NationStates Jolt Archive

Audioslavia fEast on Spa(a)m
Daily Slavery's pun-writer sacked

Audioslavia played the first of the 'big four' matches today at home to East Spaam and came away with a well-earned two-nothing win.

Audioslavia started the stronger team, with Lever hitting the post on the ten minute mark, but East Spaam rallied late in the first half and ended up on top, hitting the bar twice and forcing an excellent save from Davis

The East Spaamtastic side carried on where they left off in the second half, finding space on the wings to trouble the 'slave defence with a barrage of high crosses, but a breakaway on the hour put Audioslavia ahead. Five minutes later it was 2-0 as Bury converted a dubious penalty, given when Dipper tumbled over the outstretched leg of Dipper. The plucky winner denied that he dived, and the referee seemed to believe him.

The more East Spaam tried to get back into the game, the more resoloutely the 'slaves defended, and by the end of the game they were confortably in possesion, with the East Spaamtastic side tiring.

[code:1:2bad0d38ac]
Group 4 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Audioslavia 11 6 2 3 14 7 7 20
Timway 11 5 4 2 20 12 8 19
Spaam 11 5 4 2 14 11 3 19
East Spaam 11 6 1 4 13 13 0 19
Aquilla 11 5 3 3 17 10 7 18
Lanky Dude 11 4 3 4 14 16 -2 15
Sensual Products 11 1 3 7 7 17 -10 6 X
Clearwater 11 1 2 8 8 22 -14 5 X
[/code:1:2bad0d38ac]

The win puts Audioslavia top of the group by a point over Timway who also won today. The two teams play each other tommorow in what has to be the most exciting game of the group, and the mother of all six-pointers.

Elsewhere in the group, East Spaam's loss moves them down to third, level with rivals Spaam who won convincingly over Clearwater. Also, the plucky, wrongly-oppressed upstarts Lanky Dude held Aquilla to a 1-1 draw away from home, and stay in contention for the final qualification spot. Aquilla play Spaam next week in a match which could finally create some sort of gap between the top 5 (if East Spaam get their win over whatever bottom side they are facing)

In other news, TnUI seems to be on the verge of eating his words, after his quote:

While I remember. Power? They couldn't power their way out of a paper bag!
Audioslavia refuse to retort, instead letting their five straight wins do the talking. And their superior rank. And the fact that they are 1st in a strong group rather than 2nd in an average group. All this, and TnUI call themselves a 'superpower'. Eyethankyou.

This has been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'night bitches

*we find ourselves in a very large room with high ceilings, no windows, and only the door we came in. we see four people standing at the bottom of a set of stairs at the far end of the room that leads to a large platform. The air above the platform is either misty, or smokey, we can’t tell which. There is a very tall man dressed in a tuxedo standing in the middle of the stage. The lighting in the room is dim, even dimmer on the stage, except for the tall mans’ head. There seems to be several tight beams of light focused on this mans head, causing his head to seem to float in the air.*

- I am the Great and Powerful Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38! Who dares to come before me?
- If you please, sir, we…
- SILENCE!! I know who you are. You are known only as “Margaret”. These companions of yours are the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, Ben Dover, Manager of the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans, and Eileen Dover, Defensive Coach. Justin Case seems to be missing.
- Yes, sir…Justin refused to come with us. We think he’s left the country.
- I knew that!
- Yes, of course you did, sir. We’re here because…
- I know why you’re here. You, Margaret, are all here because the Hooligans, who you all share responsibility for, HAVE NOT WON A SINGLE ONE OF THEIR LAST FOUR MATCHES! Lost to Warnocks Wizards, drew with Evisceratomatoes, drew with Wildthings Realm, and now a draw with Hells Bovines. Hells Bells!
- Yes, sir, but you see, the minister wants a brain. I’ve been telling him for some time now to get one, and we thought you might be able to help. And Ben desperately wants courage, while Eileen has lost her heart and would like another. So, we thought if we…
-You THOUGHT that the Great and Powerful Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38 would just GIVE you anything you asked for!
- Well, yes, if it isn’t too much trouble.
- TROUBLE!! TROUBLE!! Nothing is too much trouble for the Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38
- Then you will…?
- Of course I will, little lady. I will grant each of you what you desire.
- Oh, thank you! Did you hear? He’s going to help us!
- There is one little thing I’d like you to do first, though. Bring me the broomstick of the wick…(er, no, different story, um – oh, yeah) the Trophy of World Cup 9.
- But, sir! How are we going to do that? We’re just barely in third place. We have to play the three other highest ranked teams in our Group – we hardly stand a chance of qualifying, much less winning the Cup.
- YOU REFUSE DO TO THIS ONE LITTLE THING FOR ME!! BEGONE!! BRING ME THE CUP, OR NEVER COME BEFORE ME AGAIN!!
- Gack!!
- Oh, no…
- See here, you! Don’t you pick on her! If you must pick on someone…
- …Pick on YOU, Minister? PERHAPS I SHALL!
- Wub, wub, wub, wub, wub!!!

*the four turn and run for the door, ben dover in the lead. As he reaches the glass doors, he dives through them. doroth…er, margaret opens the door, and steps through with eileen and the minister. as we take our leave, we can't help but have a feeling of deja vu.*

We'd like to categorically state, for the record, for all time, that the Wizard of Oz, sorry the Great and Powerful Guy Currently in Charge of Stuff for the Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 (who by the way is easier to refer to by his acronym, GAPGCICOSFTBOSN38), is in NO way connected to the Empire of Warnocks Wizards. In short, he's no Wizard of ours. Thank you. Normal service can now be resumed.

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Empire of Warnocks Wizards

P.S. Anyone with knowledge of a good exorcist please contact us as soon as possible.

Scuttlebutt - Morning Edition

A Rude Awakening May Be In The Offing
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Remington Grey

In World Cup 9 Group 8 for Qualifying matches, the 4 sides ranked highest are ALL pitted against one of the other 4 sides ranked highest for the last three matchdays (12, 13 & 14).

Matchday 12
Oglethorpia (10) [23 pts] vs Snub Nose 38 (20) [19 pts]
Tanah Burung (39) [20 pts] vs Demonic Beings (31) [15 pts]

Matchday 13
Demonic Beings (31) vs Oglethorpia (10)
Snub Nose 38 (20) vs Tanah Burung (39)

Matchday 14
Oglethorpia (10) vs Tanah Burung (39)
Demonic Beings (31) vs Snub Nose 38 (20)

While for the last three matchdays the two other sides who are in striking range, Warnocks Wizards (77) [18 pts] and Hells Bovines (65) [18 pts] have matches against each other and the two eliminated sides, Evisceratomatoes (unranked) [7 pts] and Wildthings Realm (unranked) [3 pts].

It is not only possible that Warnocks Wizards and Hells Bovines will qualify, with only one of the 4 higher ranked teams, It is actually probable.

One possibility: If Warnocks Wizards and Hells Bovines each win two matches and lose one, they will have 24 points. And given their records so far, and those of Evisceratomato and Wildthings Realm, so far, that could easily happen. At the same time, if Oglethorpia, Demonic Beings, Tanah Burung and Snub Nose 38 draw all their remaining matches (and, looking at their records so far, that could easily happen, too), then Oglethorpia will have 26 pts, Tanah Burung 23, Snub Nose 38 22, and Demonic Beings 18.

Which would put Oglethorpia, Warnocks Wizards, and Hells Bovines through.
---------------------------------------
:shock:

Sowhatsville News
Who'd be a statistican??

Going into the final three matches in group 3, and the only thing we know for certain is that 5 of the 8 teams can still make it to the fabled land of glory (otherwise known as the WC finals!)

Game day 12 sees leaders Halfassedstates {25pts} take on group favorites Bedistan{25pts}. Third placed Nikea {21pts} take on fourth placed Antaeus-Rising {19pts}. While fifth placed Endray-Island {18pts} have the seemingly easier game against already eliminated Zinkoland

The rankings suggest that after these games the group would stand thus;
Bedistan 28pts
Halfassedstates 25pts
Antaeus-Rising 22pts
Nikea 21pts
Endray-island 21pts
Giving us a grandstand finish to the group!

However, if Halfassed and Bedi draw, Nikea defeat Antaeus and Endray lose, the group would be;
Halfassed 26pts
Bedistan 26pts
Nikea 24pts
Antaeus 19pts
Endray 18pts

That would be enough to see both Halfassed and Bedistan through and would leave Antaeus needing to win both their games to deny Nikea qualification.

It gets an awful lot more complicated than that, so lets us see what happens!

Ufwurz the Furious: “We’re in With a Shout”

Warnocks Wizards Manager Speaks Out About Concluding Matches of Group 8

From our news services...

New Orthanc, Warnocks Wizards–Despite last week’s loss against the Demonic Beings, the Warnocks Wizards national team still has a chance of qualifying for the Ravenspire/Europa Brittania World Cup. Manager Ufwurz the Furious briefly spoke about his side’s chances prior to departing for matchday 12 opponents Hell Bovines. Here is the current table for Group 8 with the remaining matches for all six teams that can still qualify for the World Cup:

[code:1:1f53d69efc]Group 8 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
#10 Oglethorpia 11 7 2 2 27 14 13 23
#39 Tanah Burung 11 6 2 3 14 10 4 20
#20 Snub Nose 38 11 5 4 2 17 12 5 19
#77 Warnocks Wizards11 5 3 3 14 13 1 18
#65 Hell Bovines 11 5 3 3 12 14 -2 18
#31 Demonic Beings 11 5 0 6 15 12 3 15
Evisceratomatoes 11 2 1 8 7 17 -10 7
Wildthings Realm 11 0 3 8 9 23 -14 3

Oglethorpia (23 pts.) Tanah Burung (20 pts.)
12. at #20 Snub Nose 38 12. v. #31 Demonic Beings
13. at #31 Demonic Beings 13. at #20 Snub Nose 38
14. v. #39 Tanah Burung 14. at #10 Oglethorpia

Snub Nose 38 (19 pts.) Warnocks Wizards (18 pts.)
12. v. #10 Oglethorpia 12. at #65 Hell Bovines
13. v. #39 Tanah Burung 13. at Wildthings Realm
14. at #31 Demonic Beings 14. v. Evisceratomatoes

Hell Bovines (18 pts.) Demonic Beings (15 pts.)
12. v. #77 Warnocks Wizards 12. at #39 Tanah Burung
13. at Evisceratomatoes 13. v. #10 Oglethorpia
14. v. Wildthings Realm 14. v. #20 Snub Nose 38[/code:1:1f53d69efc]

As one can see, the top four ranked clubs (three of which currently occupy the group’s qualifying spots) face each other over the final three matchdays. The cow people of Hell Bovines and our very own National Team have only one remaining match against a ranked opponent, this weekends match between the two sides. Before boarding the team canoe bound for the green pastures of Hell Bovines, Manager Ufwurz proclaimed that his side are “still in with a shout. On paper we and the Bovines have the easiest schedule, but we still have to come up with the results. I don’t have to remind my lads that we have only picked up four points against our remaining opponents. We desperately need a result against the Bovines, and we’ll take the final two matches from there. I will promise our fans and our Group 8 opponents one last thing: write us off at your peril.” Good luck to the lads in their final matches of qualifying.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

OOC: @Ariddia: Old people tend to be disinformend or to interpret things wrongly - in any country (I've heard a story about an old lady, who did not realize, that a new currency was introduced, untill the day the old currency was no longer valid)

IC:
From the KaMaRi Update:
2-2 against the 8th

The Orange-Blues played a great match against Busby and in Busby and archieved a 2-2 draw, what the 8th in the world will surely not like (for all, who have forgotten it: we are unranked). This time, Imdila changed his tactics completely. Instead of giving the substitutes their chance, the top-team played in the starting formation.

But even the top players failed against the busby-an team in the first minutes. In the 10th minute, the score was 0-2 against Rejistania and everyone expected them to win two-digit. That was a thing, the Orange-Blues wanted to avoid, and so they attacked as if their life depended on it (if you consider, how crazy many people are about soccer, it was perhaps even true). Busby did not expect such a change of the tactics, unfortunately, Lyku could not profit of this, because the defense had recognised him as the most dangerous player. In the additional time of the first half, Susu tried a desperate thing: He shot a ball from shortly behind the center line in the direction of the goal - and the ball was in. At halftime, the score was 1-2 against us. The second half started with one big surprise: Imdila substituted Su by I Ailn. This was a thing, no expected, neither the fans, nor the Busby-nians nor I Ailn himself. But again, Imdila's strange tactics had success: In the 67th minute, an Orange-Blue corner was shot by Takil, I Ailn was on the right place and archieved the equalizer by a header. Busby had some chances in the second half, but no goal was shot.

Junis'Omeh scorers untill now:
Syku Lyku (5)
Xeseja Su (3)
Xkeliko Susu (2)
Imike Syku (1)
Sen I Ailn (1)

The Gilmeecia International Times
Where the news crawls to die

Zombpire Under Development

Gillian Gilquest

The “government” of Gilmeecia today spent most of its energy denying rumours that Special Forces scientists have managed to graft together segments of the Zombie and Vampire Viruses (Zombiliis viriis and Vampiriliis viriis) to create a virus capable of creating a super, uber-virus.

Said president Louis Gilsterson, “Why would we want that? What possible advantage could there be to having an army of undead bastards that combine the best features of Zombies and Vampires?” When pressed for details regarding what the best features of zombies and vampires actually are, he deferred to Special Forces Head of Science Lig Poopselman, who said, “Well, they’re not allergic to sunlight or crosses. They regenerate like vampires, they can turn into bats, hypnotize people, and they don’t evaporate on being punctured by a spike. In fact, right now, we’re not sure how to kill them. If you have any suggestions….”

No suggestions were forthcoming from the assembled members of the press.

Kickassers Victims of Inverted Ass-kicking

In what can only be described as some sort of cosmic mistake, the Kickassers’ lovingly-placed kick to the hindquarters of the Dragonian Dragons went awry last night, planting itself firmly on the Gilmeecian national squad’s own unprotected posteriors. Set to win their tenth match of qualifying, the Kickassers found themselves accidentally losing on a 3-2 score.

The first half ended in fine form, with a late goal by Gobbins putting the ‘assers up 2-1, after early goals by Gilderbecke and Dragonian CM Lissësúl Sargent. At eighty minutes, it looked like everything was going the ‘assers way, when unholy chaos unexpectedly broke out on the pitch. The source of said chaos? One crazy freaking streaker who began tear-assing it around the field. This in itself would normally be no cause for alarm. Ground Forces, in typical fashion, began pouring onto the grass, their flamethrowers at the ready. What made this streaking incident so chaotic (and costly for the Kickassers) was the fact that within moments it became evident that the streaker might be the spectre of Gilgamesh McPhee, escaped from Special Forces! Upon noting the resemblance between the naked man on the pitch and their old teammate (now a known vampire), Kickasser players began running away from him every time he came close. This caused a minor breakdown in the defense during which the Dragonian Empire snuck a pair of goals past keeper Gilmooster, securing the victory.

After the game, Special Forces Colonel Pyro Johnson said, “What’s that old saying? Oh, yes. It did not happen.” When asked for details, Johnson would only point out the unreliability of the Gilmeecian press. To which this reporter can only moon in reply.

In a cave somewhere in Middle Earth, a slightly mad football coach and a large arachnid hover over a plethora of football-shaped eggs. The first one cracks, and a newborn spider emerges. Followed by another....and another....The arachnid looks triumphantly to the heavens and cackles, "Hatch my pretty ones! Hatch! The world is your playground!"....

Sign up for the Giant Evil Spider Football League. Even an eight-leg needs a chance to play...

Sign up here! (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=89762)

From the Daily Kangaroo:

A NATION AWAITS THE MIRACLE

Kaze Progressa's astonishing qualification run reaches its most critical stage tonight as Liverpool England visit the Progressair Stadium.

The Liverpudlians are still not assured of qualification despite having the best record of all the teams in all ten groups, partly due to defeat against Belmore Family.

The match is the final group game to be held in the Progressair Stadium and tickets sold out within 36 hours of becoming available. Thousands will pack the Sports Square in Kaza, watching the match on a giant screen.

An upset victory is possible, given the stunning 2-0 victory in the same venue against Belmore Family who have themselves beaten Liverpool England. Furthermore, there was the infamous 2-2 draw in the CCL Arena, which was later discredited owing to problems at FIFA communications. The replayed match finished 2-0 to the Liverpudlians, a result that led to mass demonstrations in parts of Kaze Progressa.

Such a sweet victory would put the Progressans within two points of Liverpool England, who would still head the group, and assuming a Belmorian defeat of Zeronia is the only way to remain in the qualifying positions.

'The Liverpudlians beating the Belmorians would have done us the mother of all favours,' said Faiwe Irafma. 'We would have been five points ahead of them and they would have lost some motivation, as they would have already been through. But now, with a combination of luck and skill, we can still do it. If we win all three matches, we are guaranteed to qualify. But that is infinitely easier said than done.

We believe we are going to be eliminated, as the Belmorians have such an easy run-in in this group. But they've slipped up before and we hope they do so again. We hope the whole country unites behind us like never before for this match. After the horrors of the 2-2 draw that wasn't owing to factors beyond our control, that should be the case.'

After last night's 2-0 win over Tranquillitus, the Bedistan Lions national football team is extremely excited about the upcoming match with Halfassedstates.

"This one will decide who takes the top of the group," says coach Gene Barber, "and whoever wins it will likely stay up there. There's no doubt in my mind that we'll qualify either way, but this is a matter of national pride. We shall not lose to this Halfassed team again."

The match is expected to be underway very shortly.

Queldas Hikari - Sports - Page 2

Pandas Captain 'Confident' for Qualification

If you were to come across Nikean national football captain Keresin Keresiuene and ask him how he felt about his side's qualification chances, he would sum it up in one word.

"I'm confident," he said in a recent interview following the final training session before taking on visiting Anateus Rising. "This is our third attempt at qualifying, and to go from a virtual unknown to 44th in the world, as well as Frosty Cup finalists, is quite an accomplishment."

The Nikeans are having their best qualification run yet, despite the extended schedule. After ten matches, they had accumulated 18 points, and now have 21 going into the final three matches of the qualifying phase. After the last two matches' seven goals, they also now hold a fine +7 goal differential and have scored more goals than any other team in the group, and are among the most explosive offences in the qualifying stage. Despite this, they are still third behind Bedistan and Halfassedstates, who are running away with the group, both with 25 points each.

Keresiuene knows that every point now is important. "We've had a lot of success this time around, but we know that we still have to play very hard. Anateus Rising is only two points behind us, and Endray-Island is three points behind. I'm more concerned about Endray-Island myself, as their remaining matches are against the three already-eliminated sides, while we have the three top ranks in the group. We don't want to repeat the debacle of four years ago."

With Zinkoland, Kramerica, and Tranquillitis already eliminated from qualifying, Group 3 has now come down to a 5 team race. Any team can still make it, but it seems unlikely that Bedistan and Halfassedstates will fall out of the race. That leaves three teams fighting for one qualification spot.

"We hold third place now, but that can change in an instant," Keresiuene said. "If we lose tomorrow's match and Endray-Island wins, we'll suddenly find ourselves in fifth place, having to travel to the two top teams in the group. Tomorrow's match is vital in our qualifying hopes. We'd then have to hope that some of the eliminated teams still feel proud enough to give every match their best in hopes to knock off Endray-Island."

Tomorrow's match will be of vital importance. Nikea holds a two point lead over Anateus Rising, who visits Solarin Stadium tomorrow. A victory would ease the gap, and allow Nikea some breathing room. Endray-Island plays Zinkoland, who have not looked very good so far, and then visits hapless Kramerica and end their campaign against Tranquillitis. The Islanders are the safe bets in all three of those matches, while the Pandas, who may have a slight edge over Anateus Rising at home, are heavy underdogs going to Halfassedstates and Bedistan. Reserve tickets are still available for tomorrow's match, but only 500 will go on sale, so pick them up as soon as possible.

Matchday 12 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2037862#2037862) and tables are posted. The End (of qualifications) Is Nigh.

Liverpool England drop another crucial match
Kaze Progressa historically defeat national side, team now need 4 points from two games to assure qualification

The national side today lost to a much stronger Kaze Progressa side at Kaze Progressa. The defending champions, who now need a win and a draw to definitely qualify from their last two games, were rolled up, tossed aside and dumped by the Progressans. Should the team lose one, or both, of their matches, their fate would lie in the other teams' hands. The coach, Jim White, has announced he would retire after WCX, now he has said he will retire from football in LE drop the match against One Red Dot, who face the champs next.

Bulldogs Get Revenge Against Akbarland - Again
AKBARLAND - Obviously the Bulldogs didn't think that the 2-1 home win against Akbarland was enough to restore their pride. They had already drawn with Akbarland there. Today, they returned to the nation of Akbarland to get their revenge for last Cup's 2-1 loss there, the only CH loss of qualification. They succeeded, with Deppiesse and Quigley scoring first-half goals, and Vojtilo taking care of the second half, just like the game plan said. Vojtilo played confidently, even after allowing 5 goals in the last 2 matches, two of which lead to a second loss to CallMeBernard.
(23) Commerce Heights 2 (Deppiesse 17, Quigley 40)
(37) Akbarland 0 - FT

Haraki, after a 1-0 win over Errinundera, is now qualified. CallMeBernard and SterlingIce joined NASTIC 2 in the 'eliminated' category, after drawing with Eauz and losing to NASTIC 2, respectively.
[code:1:a4753b44fe]Group 2 P W D L F A GD Pts
Haraki (2)* 12 8 3 1 26 13 +13 27
Commerce Heights (23) 12 7 1 4 21 17 +4 22
Errinundera (15) 12 5 4 3 16 11 +5 19
Akbarland (37) 12 6 0 6 16 15 +1 18
Eauz (52) 12 5 2 5 16 17 -1 17
CallMeBernard** 12 3 3 6 14 21 -7 12
SterlingIce** 12 3 1 8 12 18 -6 10
NASTIC 2** 12 2 4 5 15 24 -9 10
*qualified
**eliminated[/code:1:a4753b44fe]

Commerce Heights' remaining two games are both home games (though the Haraki game is to be played in New Lexington), and they will clinch a spot in the Cup if they do not lose either game. If they get a win and a loss, they can only qualify if Errinundera does not win both of their games or if they do win both games and Commerce Heights gets ahead of them in GD. If they get 2 draws, then they can qualify if Errinundera does not win both games or Akbarland does not win both games or Akbarland does win both games and remains behind CH in goal differential If CH gets a draw and a loss, they can qualify if any two of the following happen:
Errinundera loses at least one game or draws both
Akbarland does not win both games
Eauz does not win both games or does win both games and fails to get a higher GD than CH
If CH gets two losses, they can qualify if both Akbarland loses a game or wins a game and draws a game and has a lower GD than CH and Eauz does not win both games.

Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 1: vs NASTIC 2 – T 2-2
Day 2: vs SterlingIce – W 1-0
Day 3: at #52 Eauz – W 2-1
Day 4: vs CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 5: vs #37 Akbarland – W 1-0
Day 6: at #2 Haraki – L 2-3
Day 7: at #15 Errinundera – L 1-2
Day 8: at NASTIC 2 – W 2-1
Day 9: at SterlingIce – W 2-1
Day 10: vs #52 Eauz – W 4-3
Day 11: at CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 12: at #37 Akbarland – W 2-0
Day 13: vs #2 Haraki
Day 14: vs #15 Errinundera
Statistics - Team
[code:1:a4753b44fe] Overall WC7 WC8 WC9
Games Played 35 10 13 12
Wins 16 3 6 7
Draws 8 3 4 1
Losses 11 4 3 4
Avg. Opp. Rank 79.5 62.6 81.7 91.3
Highest Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Highest Def. Opp. Rank 16 18 16 37
Avg. Offense 1.6 1.5 1.5 1.8 gpg
Avg. Defense 1.4 1.8 1.2 1.4 gpg
Goal Differential +6 -3 +5 +4
Rank 100 54 23[/code:1:a4753b44fe]
Statistics - Individual
[code:1:a4753b44fe]Team Scoring Leaders – WC9
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley 12 5 0.42
J. Cahalane 12 4 0.33
K. Decker 12 4 0.33
C. Deppiesse 12 4 0.33
F. Wallace 12 2 0.17
E. Burns 12 1 0.08
M. Paritmongkol 12 1 0.08


Goaltending Leaders – WC9
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo 9 10 1.11
A. Yago 4 7 1.75

Team Scoring Leaders – Overall
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley*** 35 17 0.49
C. Deppiesse..* 12 4 0.33
K. Decker*** 35 11 0.31
J. Cahalane*** 35 9 0.26
C. Romanowski**. 23 5 0.22
F. Wallace^^* 16 3 0.19
M. McCormick.^^ 6 1 0.17
D. Kakuta**. 23 3 0.13
M. Paritmongkol*** 35 2 0.06
E. Burns*** 35 1 0.03

Goaltending Leaders – Overall
Player G GA GPG
A. Yago.^^ 9 12 1.33
D. Vojtilo*** 28 38 1.36

..*/..^ starter/backup in WC9
.*./.^. starter/backup in WC8
*../^.. starter/backup in WC7[/code:1:a4753b44fe]

Records broken by Akbarland game:
Best performance in road game (tied, previous: W 2-0 - WC7 at Praetorian Rome)
Most games played against one team (previous: 3 - Akbarland)

Haraki Forward Mike Zendar left the field, bedraggled, and soaked in sweat, accompanied by his fellow forward Tim Buckland, their arms around each other's shoulders in a bedraggled sign of victory.

"We did it!" Zendar cheered, leaping up in the air and punching it with his free fist. "We won!"

Buckland laughed. "Errinundera knows what it's like to face the Hawks now, eh? One-nothing. Nice assist, Mike."

"Likeways. Nice goal, Tim."

They laughed, walking off the field to the massive cheers of the Haraki Hawks' fans.

---

HNN - Sport News at Seven

Anchor: In other news, away from tennis, where Alice Timberfield has strained her elbow and will be out of the rest, the Haraki Hawks succeeded in Matchday Twelve of World Cup Nine, their fifth World Cup. Last year they came in third, and are reported as the second-highest ranked team in World Cup Nine. They beat Errinundera Zero-to-One, with a goal at seventy-one minutes in by Haraki Hawks Forward, Tim Buckland, and an assist by up and coming Haraki soccer star Mike Zendar. The Hawks are tired and bruised, but they have been guaranteed a qualifying slot in the World Cup. Let's just hope they can do two ranks higher in this one, eh?

Now, on to ...














OOC Note: I haven't been able to post any other results because my internet was dead. Don't blame me, please.

OOC Note: I haven't been able to post any other results because my internet was dead. Don't blame me, please.

OOC: I know the feeling. I wasn't sure if I would make it tonight, because some crews around here putting in fiber optic cable today apparently didn't call before they dug -- they severed our phone line, as I learned the hard way upon coming home from school. Thankfully it was fixed an hour later, though. :roll:

Full report of Halfassedstates vs. Bedistan to come...

DAILY CROCODILE

Unions strikes ravaged the last two issues of the newspaper, but the Daily Croc is back with a round-up of the last three matches.

---

Day 10: Warnocks Wizards

After promising national television coverage, the networks crapped out on this one, and we were lucky to receive reports from the WW1 network. Less lucky was the score-line. Tanah Burung was expecting a strong result against the 77th-ranked Red-and-White Wizards, but didn’t get it. Instead, the Crocs plunged to a 2-0 defeat, and have earned only one point in two matches against Warnocks Wizards.

“Let’s be honest: they were the better team,” said coach Bi Kikere. “Defence has been our strong point traditionally, and in most of this qualifying group too (except for the collapse against Oglethorpia). Today, not so good. Let’s admit it: these Wizards have become a force to be reckoned with.”

For loyal Crocodiles fans, the highlight was probably the half-time performance by The Shagrat and Gorbag Uruk’Hai Folkdance Troup. While Bi Kikere ostentatiously left the pitch and huddled with her players, fans were confused, enchanted, frightened, inspired, confused again, deeply disturbed, a little bit aroused, and finally inspired and elated. As nine-foot tall Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator leapt from a canopy of coloured flags, fans began to applaud. What a beautiful re-enactment of the Tanah Burung creation story!

Tanah Burung 0, Warnocks Wizards 2
(Gabdul the Looter 5, Bagdreg the Mauler 58)

---

Day 11: Evisceratomatoes

A grudge-match, this one. The Fighting Fruit were spoiling for revenge. The last time these two teams met, Bi Ar Dee, the scientist who created Evisceratomatoes from Giant Zucchini DNA and bile, distracted the Evisceratomato team long enough for Tanah Burung to score. Think about it: the vegetable race, robbed of the match and betrayed by their creator, all in one fell swoop.

So the Evisceratomatoes wanted this one, badly. On the other hand, both sides feared the return of the mysterious man with the frequency attuner, which in their first meeting made Evisceratomatoes splatter freely. But this time, police were watching the shadows. “We have apprehended a man who refuses to give his name or admit that he is actually there,” according to a police statement. “He wasn’t there again today. Oh how I wish he’d go away.”

Free of fear of splattering, both sides began to play a rough, foul-filled match. There was no scoring in the first half, but two Evisceratomatoes and one Crocodile were sent off. The depleted sides went at it again with even more spirit in the second half. The Crocodiles crossed the ball, again and again, to Taur Matan Ruak, who fired volley after volley at Elvis Irate, the Fighting Fruits’ zombie goal keeper. “I wanted to dent that damn round undead thing,” Ruak said.

When Urk Jones tripped, jumped and spat on Canabe Livit, the Crocs midfielder was given a free kick, which curved past the Evisceratomato wall and beat Irate cleanly. One of her prettier shots from the setpiece, and a sign that Livit may be the next team captain when Rosa Bibere retires. “A great young star and a leader on the pitch and off,” said Bi Kikere. “she’s a girl after me own heart.” Livit also set up the second goal, sending a corner kick into the crease where it was tipped in by Zachary Santos.

Tanah Burung 2 Evisceratomatoes 0
(Livit 61, Santos 79)

---

Day 12: Demonic Beings

“This is the most important qualifying match of them all,” Bi Kikere said as the teams prepared for kick-off at Senayan stadium. “We have to win this before heading to Snub Nose 20 and Oglethorpia for the final two games. If we don’t, i’ll be benching more than a few players.”

It was Zachary Alkatiri who opened the scoring early, tipping in a shot from Taur Matan Ruak that was on its way to hitting the post. This was the 17-year old’s first international goal. You can count on some partying in the boy’s home village of Endeh tonight! Another goal followed when Rosa Bibere started one of her long runs but dropped the ball to Livit, whose shot surprised Lawrence Knight. The Demonic keeper was only able to get a hand on it, and the ball trickled in. With the match seemingly safe, and three Crocodiles already having yellow cards, Tanah Burung shifted to a more defensive style in the second half and held on for the win.

Tanah Burung 2 Demomic Beings 0
(Alkatiri 11, Livit 39)

---

Coach Bi Kikere had demanded her players earn at least six points from this crucial three-game stretch in order to gain position in advance of the final two matches against the top-ranked teams in the group. The Crocodiles earned six points, and now sit second in the group to Oglethorpia. That sounds like a good position, but the Crocs’ final two games are a tough road trip. “First we go to Snub Nose 20, where we will hopefully get our revenge,” said Bi Kikere. “Then it’s Oglethorpia. We’ll have a large fan presence there, i’m sure.”

The coach refused to divulge what strategies she would use for the road trip, except to say that the chippy play of the last games would end. “We can’t intimidate the Hooligans or -- what are they called? Superteam? You’re kidding me, right? OK, we can’t intimidate Snub Nose 20 or Super-Ogle the Wonder Team. We’ll play clean and hope that we can win on skill and speed.”

Zuka (Eauz) -- Once again, Les Bleus came out with a tie. The coach was dumbfounded at the last few games in which the team has either lost or drew a tie. The Coach said: "I don't know what to say, I've tried encouraging the group in many ways, such as benching stars, telling them, we are still in it for the qualification, and even saving his stars on the bench to score more goals near the end in an event of a tie. None of which seemed to have worked. The coach is hoping for 2 wins to finish the qualification round off against 2 eliminated teams.

Game 13: Eauz @ NASTIC 2
Game 14 SterlingIce @ Eauz

If Eauz comes out with both wins, they would finish off with 23 wins, and possibly by a small chance qualify if certain key games are not won by others. If Eauz does not qualify, they can come out of this with a better rank in the world cup, and hope for a better chance in the next year. There is also possibility that the whole team will be changed to improve the next World Cup chances. This means, managment and coaching...

OOC: TB, are you serious?

Wonderteam actually sounds like what it was.

Well, Superteam for now, before I go to the historically correct Wonderteam.

Damn library, they made me return the book I had on the WC.

Aquillans around the globes rejoiced at the 1-0 win over Spaam. The new coach is showing his metal already. Literally. Our coach was a former goalie for Aquilla, but was injured in a car accident and now has metal arms. "It helps very much when a team member is out of line." says coach Edouard Morinoshethisbumbisbee. "Ooh my head" replies Aquillan defender Maximilian Cranbarry. Regarding the 1-0 win over Spaam, Cranbarry was more enthusiastic. "We whipped em once and we whipped em again, and if that dumb ref had accepted our cash transfer *ahem* our player wouldn't have been yellowcarded and we might have won. Dumb ref. What? Nevermind." George Longname, as he is beginning to be called, our star forward, scored the goal.

We await our final two matches. Our coach cannot read the sheet as it is too complex for him, so we do not know who we are against.

This has been a KCHR broadcast.

We await our final two matches. Our coach cannot read the sheet as it is too complex for him, so we do not know who we are against.
Why not just come to CH? We'd much rather play you than Haraki... :P

And Errindura, former WC champ, next...whose rating is just below yours...bahahaha! :twisted:

And Errindura, former WC champ, next...whose rating is just below yours...bahahaha! :twisted:

And Errindura, former WC champ, next...whose rating is just below yours...bahahaha! :twisted:

The Maracaibo Post

Group eight = "really freakin' close"
Two more matchdays left in qualifying, group eight still contested

By Dwight Hamilton

TRIPOLI, MARACAIBO: OG -- George McDouglas, Futebol Director of the Bureaucratic States had only three words about group eight. "Really freakin' close."

For Oglethorpia has one point on Tanah Burung with two matches left in World Cup IX qualifying, up on a goal difference of seven.

Here is group eight as it looks after matchday twelve:

[code:1:48f5248c9a]
Group 8 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Oglethorpia (10) 12 7 3 2 28 15 13 24
Tanah Burung (39) 12 7 2 3 16 10 6 23
Hell Bovines (65) 12 6 3 3 15 16 -1 21
Snub Nose 38 (20) 12 5 5 2 18 13 5 20
Warnocks Wizards (77) 12 5 3 4 15 15 0 18
Demonic Beings (31) 12 5 0 7 15 14 1 15
Evisceratomatoes 12 2 2 8 9 19 -10 8 X
Wildthings Realm 12 0 4 8 11 25 -14 4 X

[/code:1:48f5248c9a]

Oglethorpia, top-seeded side in group eight is also on top of group eight, which has been hotley-contested from day one of World Cup IX qualifying.

Hells Bovines is easily within range of Oglethorpia, only three points behind; an Oglethorpian loss and Hells Bovines victory would tie them on points, Oglethorpia only surviving on merit of goal difference.

Really, the top position of group eight is anyone's; except Evisceratomatoes and the Wildthings Realm's, of course.

Oglethorpia's tie with Snub Nose 38 takes away their 3 pt lead on 2nd place in group eight.

What matters is if they qualify, and they're looking good to qualify for the Cup.

These forum pags are so b0rk3d up!

Who deleted like, 7 posts? The forum pages are so screwed up now...

Stupid phpBB.

And from Dennisov, this is Glick Masterson for the Lemmitanian Radio Network with the post-match analysis. We just saw the Lemmings win their fifth straight, one-nothing over Dennisov. Thoughts on the match?

Clem: You could really see how far the team has come in the second half of qualifying, today. Dennisov's the toughest team in the group, and the only one that's beaten the Lemmings, and to come out today and shut them down is really meaningful.

Lana: We 'aven't lost or drawn a match in the second 'alf of qualifyin'. Takes me back to las' Cup, when we won nine matches in ten.

Glick: And led all teams. The Lemmings clinched a qualifying spot today, so the remaining matches will be moot. Will we see Coach Mickelson start some of the reserves?

Lana: I don't think so. Mebbe one or two.

Clem: I agree. I'd look for him to start most of the regulars; they're doing great and I don't think he's going to want to break their rhythm.

Glick: Mellon with the only goal today. She's leading all Lemmings scorers with eight goals this cup. Not bad for the woman some thought shouldn't have been on the team.

Lana: 'elen's doin' great. No surprise there, 's'far's I'm concerned. She's past the injuries that've plagued 'er the past couple of seasons in the A-league.

Glick: Think she'll return to form and lead the A-league in scoring again?

Lana: It may be.

Glick: Other scorers for the Lemmings are Lemmy Atom with six; Luke Lemwalker, five; Bing Brickberry with two; and Yngwie Li and Mick Nichols with one apiece.

Clem: Lemwalker's been a strong contributor, but to be fair, it's awfully hard to step in and replace a scorer like Lana.

Grant: Lana was the best player the Lemmings ever fielded.

Lana: You're too kind.

Clem: It's really been Lemmy Atom who's stepped it up this year. What'd he have last Cup, three goals?

Lana: Lemmy 'as really turned up the 'eat.

Grant: 'e ain't no you, tho'.

Clem: Don't flirt with her. You're a married man.

Grant: Am I?

Clem: Yes, you are. Remember little Opie, the Demon?

Grant: Oh, yes. I love the li'le bugger. An' 'is momma too.

Clem: What was her name again?

Grant: Mommie. Anyroad, that's wot 'e always calls 'er.

Clem: What do you call her?

Grant: Sweetie.

Lana: 'ow nice.

Glick: Isn't it sweet?

Clem: Hmm.

Glick: And that's time. To remind our listeners, our next broadcast will be spilt, with Lana and myself calling the match, while Clem and Grant face the fearsome unknown that dwells beneath the streets of Lemmington.

Clem: Oh, how we're looking forward to that.

Grant: Are we? I 'eard the Thing That Should Not Be is under there.

Glick: For the Lemmitanian Radio Network, Grant Rockson, Lana Maelstrom, and the Dean of Lemmitanian sports, Clem Gilson, this is Glick Masterson saying goodnight.

Grant: And I don't know if that's something I really wanna come face to face with.

Glick: For crying out loud, I just signed off the broadcast. You have to stop--

Udder Insanity, Mausnik Loses the Plot

Defender’s Indiscipline Loses Match, Threatens to End World Cup Campaign

From our news services...

Matchday 12, Hell Bovines–The Warnocks Wizards went down to the cow people of Hell Bovines 3-2 last night, thanks in no large part to a moment of udder insanity by defender Mausnik the Cleaver. The Wizards desperately needed a point to control their World Cup destiny. With tonight’s loss, they fell to a disappointing fifth and are largely out of the reckoning for the trip to Ravenspire/Europa Brittania. Manager Ufwurz the Furious made one change to the side that failed to vanquish the Demons on the previous matchday. Veteran midfielder Krumsnak the Sneaky was handed a starting spot, but striker Mersnik the Cruel was dropped off of the bench due to still being possessed by the Demon known as Paul Wood.

The Red and White Wizards began the game well, running circles around the bewildered cow folk. Krumsnak was performing well as midfield general, positioning his teammates in key spots on the green pasture. Star striker Ishklash the Snooty opened the scoring on 12 minutes when his vicious volley off of an Ashmazh the Tough knock down proved too elusive for home goalkeeper Murk Ballmaster. The Wizards doubled their lead just eight minutes later. Ghazghash the Sleazy converted the goal from a nice pass by Gabdul the Looter, who had stolen the ball off of the hoof of cow midfielder Nestor Starcow. 2-0 to the Red and White Wizards. The visitors seemed to be coasting to an easy half time lead when Ghaztrak the Gouger’s terrible back pass was intercepted by Julius Grassmoker who smoked one into the net in the 43rd minute. Half time: Hell Bovines 1, Warnocks Wizards 2.

The second half proved the downfall of the Wizards, with defender Mausnik giving a hellish performance. In the 49th minute, Mausnik took exception to a harsh double hoofed tackled perpetrated by Ron Goldenspot on the Sleazy Ghazghash. The rugged Mausnik, seeing the referee was only going to caution Goldenspot, decided to undertake some vigilante justice. The red mist taking over him, the Cleaver ripped off his red shirt and began to taunt Goldenspot, daring him to charge. The Bovine was not taking the bait, so Mausnik made some disparaging remarks about Goldenspot’s mother, calling her “a right old cow.” This incensed the Bovine captain, who then charged. Mausnik wheeled out of the way and delivered a crunching two footed kick right into poor Goldenspot’s udders as the Bovine passed him. Goldenspot collapsed to the ground and the referee immediately showed the red card to the shirtless Cleaver, who was quickly ushered off of the field before the situation could deteriorate any further. The unfortunate Goldenspot had to be substituted. The cows, as if they didn’t need the motivation, took complete control of the match, playing with their hooves possessed. Goalkeeper Ishhak the Smasher made several heroic saves, but in the end the goals were always coming for the home side. Andres Thunderhorns tied the match in the 66th minute and substitute Ratts Boldspots netted the deserved winner on 81 minutes. Full time: Hell Bovines 3, Warnocks Wizards 2.

Warnocks Wizards: Ishhak the Smasher, Ghaztrak the Gouger (Globdreg the Destroyer 82), Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Krumsnak the Sneaky, Bagdreg the Mauler, Gabdul the Looter (Gromdul the Gasher 57), Ghazghash the Sleazy (Ufdush the Nasty 51), Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Globtakh the Timid, Durbret the Choker.

For their next match in Group 8, the Red and White Wizards travel to the anonymous nation of Wildthings Realm. The Wizards must win or their chances to qualify for the World Cup are well and truly finished.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

From the Daily Kangaroo:

(front page, with lead image of Faiwe Irafma celebrating his goal)
HAIL KING IRAFMA

Kaze Progressa made history in the Progressair Stadium last night with a memorable 1-0 victory over defending World Cup champions Liverpool England.

Faiwe Irafma scored the winner in the 73rd minute after incessant Progressan pressure throughout the second half. The result gives Kaze Progressa a great chance of qualification for the World Cup for the first time ever.

Fans around the ground were ecstatic, bursting into song spontaneously throughout the night all around Kaza. One said 'There's no stopping us now. We can go to the World Cup and we can progress a long way in it. If we can beat Liverpool England, we can beat anyone.'

(back page)

HISTORY IS MADE AS PROGRESSANS GO SECOND

Kaze Progressa's historic victory over Liverpool England is one that will be savoured throughout the country and remembered for many years.

The stadium was packed out for the last World Cup qualifier it is to hold for this Cup, the Progressans facing two away matches to end their campaign. Everyone in the ground seemed to be waving Progressan flags or banners from their team. The Quarua Lakeside 'World's Greatest Striker - Faiwe Irafma' banners were especially visible. The whole stadium produced a deafening roar, and this was before kickoff. The first whistle produced a mammoth noise and on it continued.

The Liverpudlians' play was fast, skilled yet lacked a cutting edge. They had the possession advantage, but couldn't do much with it.

'It's just like when we played 'em over there the first time before the communication got screwed,' said one fan I was sitting next to. 'Now we need to get a goal, like last time.'

Little sign of that was forthcoming against a defence which had singled out Irafma for particular attention. There seemed no way through either defence until the 17th minute, when Caddy Cannon stormed past Eauam MacKazie with an injection of pace. Garaz Zarli's tackle was overkeen, and earned the Liverpudlians a free kick. Tensions in the ground proved momentary, as the Cannon free-kick found the top corner of a larger imaginary goal.

Chances were few and far between in the first half, and no goals were scored. 'It's a war of attrition, and I think we might be winning,' said the fan. 'It's Irafma time, no denying that.'

'Irafma time' waited, and waited, and despite plenty of chances, waited. That was, until the manager produced 'Owa time' on the hour mark to a roar of delerious approval. It was the kind of cheer that would have followed a goal at any other match, but this was no ordinary match.

Owa's outrageous step-over combinations left by turns both himself and defenders disorientated. Nobody bothered to mark him, for he was unmarkable and he would, it was felt, give the ball away sooner rather than later. But that was not the case in the 73rd minute. Owa danced his way to the left touchline, then as a token defender rushed in crossed the ball into the penalty area. Irafma's head met the ball, sending it into the roof of the net. But that was not the roof in danger of falling apart - that was the sophisticated swooping roof of the Progressair Stadium, as good as raised by an astounding wall of noise around me.

The Liverpudlians tried everything to get back. The Progressans now had something to defend, and replaced Waulino with Maurto in an attempt to shut out the champions. With three minutes to go, it looked like they had failed when Dussis was clean through on goal. The crowd was silenced, save for a few hundred Liverpudlians.

Dussis slammed the ball into the hands of Eaka Palera.

The crowd was delerious again.

Then came an even bigger roar. 'The fourth official has signalled a minimum of ONE minute of injury time.'

The Progressans would not have to hang on for long. And then, before you knew it, the final whistle. Nobody knew what had happened in those last minutes, they were just cheering the famous victory.

'Now we're going through! This is amazing!' said my fan friend over the massive noise. 'I'll never forget tonight.' And you sensed nobody else would either.

*we look at our surroundings. it's a very odd place. on one wall is a large rack of some kind, with a variety of extremly dangerous looking firearms. on a...well, it looks like a table - sort of - is a top hat with the top oddly flipped up like an opened can. sticking out the top of the top hat is a little mechanical arm, holding a little gun (it looks like a snub nose 38 ). one wall appears to be a large garage door, and in front of it sits an alpha romeo - with a small door in the boot flipped up, and some kind of weaponry poking out. over there is a lab bench covered with do-dads, thing-a-ma-bobs, and a couple of whats-its. a man in a white lab coat and mustache is fiddling with the third do-dad. someone is talking to him - we can't make out who, they're standing in the shadows. odd, there shouldn't be any shadow over there. we've never been here. we won't ever be here. we aren't here now*

- ...got the little creep.
- Are you sure, Jack? It could be some kind of "copy cat".
- It's him, Q, it's him. Look.

*jack puts a copy of the "daily crocodile" on the table between the third do-dad and the second thing-a-ma-jig. it's folded open to a report of a football match between tanah burung and evisceratomatoes on the sports page. this paragraph has been circled with a red pen, and part of it has been highlighted.*

"On the other hand, both sides feared the return of the mysterious man with the frequency attuner, which in their first meeting made Evisceratomatoes splatter freely. But this time, police were watching the shadows. “We have apprehended a man who refuses to give his name or admit that he is actually there,” according to a police statement. “He wasn’t there again today. Oh how I wish he’d go away.” "

- Yes, that's how our agents are trained to react. It's probably him.
- It's gotta be him Q! Who else is there who wouldn't admit to being there when there he is?
- If it is him, this could turn sour very fast.
- Sour doesn't begin to...I just hope he continues not to be there.
- Eventually, Jack, he'll crack. Their police there are good, and they're gonna get him to talk.
- They're never gonna believe he went rogue on us. Once they know he's ours, they're gonna believe we sent him there. We've got to get to him first.
- How?
- "How"? Q, you're "how". You've got a million gadgets down here - we're counting on you to give us just the right "toys" to get in, get it done, and get out.
- Get it done? Get wha...oh...well...I dunno...hmmm...ahhh...
- This has to happen fast, Q, so you've no time to dawdle.
- Have we tried the more...um...legitimate route? Has the Ministry of Justice and Real Estate asked for him to be extradited?
- Yes, but you know. Our beaurocracy, their beaurocracy, it'll take forever. If he cracks in the meantime...we've got to get to him before he cracks!
- Have you thought about just telling them that he is ours, but he's gone rogue, stole the modified "Empam" from us, and he's doing this on his own?
- Would we believe that if they told us?
- I see your point. We wouldn't, and neither will they, eh?
- Times running out, Q. I'm counting on you.
-I'm counting on Justice and Real Estate
- Pardon?
- Nothing...nothing...I'm on it, Jack. Jack? Where the...I wish he wouldn't do that. I wonder if anyone else finds it annoying?

2 Points From World Cup
'slaves edge out Timway in the best match of the qualifiers

Lever beats the full back to the by-line, swings in a ball to the far post, and Bury volleys Audioslavia to within touching distance of World Cup 9. Timway falls to their knees, as the final whistle blows. Audioslavia 3, Timway 2.

Those actions capped off one of the most thrilling matches ever seen in Audioslavian turf. The match, played in Audioslavia and not Timway as our sports department stated twice, got off to an awful start as Timway controlled possession, showing the 'slave team just how good you have to be to earn a place in Football's top 5. The Timway side broke through on 20 minutes with an unstoppable shot from the Timway number 9.

Audioslavia tried to pull themselves back in the game, but Timway kept the attacks coming. Just before half-time they broke through the 'slave defence again but somehow placed the ball wide of the goalkeeper, a minute later they did the same again but Davis got a hand to it and pushed it onto the post, Audioslavia cleared, but the resulting corner only caused more trouble as Davis stumbled when he went to claim the cross, and the Timway number 9 rose and headed home... or so he thought, the linesman saw some kind of push in the box, and the 'slaves went into half-time just one goal adrift.

Both teams emerged from the tunnel with a couple of changes to the line-ups, but for the first ten minutes there seemed to be no difference as Timway again rallied, this time striking the bar from a nearpost header, and having another good shot cleared off the line. A breakthrough came on the hour however, as a mis-placed backpass from Branson let in a sole Timway striker, who duly blasted the Timwayans into a seemingly insumountable two-goal lead.

With half an hour left and a hopeless cause to fight for, the 'slaves went for it.

Just before the 70 minute mark Branson went about rectifying his earlier mistake, and beat two Timway defenders and hit the ball low and hard into the box, Bury stuck out a leg but could only deflect the ball upwards. But just as it looked like it was going out of play for a goal-kick, Dipper stormed into the box and dived to head the ball in at the far post. A scrambled goal but nonetheless, a goal. Willow plucked the ball from the net and sprinted back to the centre circle. All of a sudden, the boot was on the other foot.

The 'slaves stormed the Timway goal, seeing shot after shot and free-kick after free-kick shave the post or go over the bar. Then, with 10 minutes to go, Timway broke and charged down to the 'slave goal with four players to just one solitary defender. Jackson defended resolutely but a well-placed pass put the Timway number 10 through, and the nation held his breath as he dummied the goalkeeper out of his shorts, rounded him and chipped the ball towards the goal.......... missing it by inches. The home crowd sighed with relief and before they knew it, Davis had pumped the ball up back into the Timway half. The missed oppotunity hit Timway's confidence at a vital time and only served to spur the 'slaves on, and one minute of solid pressure produced one more goal, as a mis-hit shot by Willow fell to Bury, who sweeped the ball into the roof of the net for 2-2.

Five minutes left and the 'slaves kept up with the pressure, with Shearer and substitute Kann both going close, but in the dying seconds of injury time, with the match looking like a draw, Lever got the by-line and swung in a hard, high cross, which Bury met with such a vengence he almost bust a hole in the net. The Timway players fell to their knees as the final whistle blew. 3-2 in the Soundgardian national arena.

[code:1:0514de108e]
Group 4 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Audioslavia (18) 12 7 2 3 17 9 8 23
East Spaam (74) 12 7 1 4 15 14 1 22
Aquilla (36) 12 6 3 3 18 10 8 21
Timway (5) 12 5 4 3 22 15 7 19
Spaam (24) 12 5 4 3 14 12 2 19
Lanky Dude 12 4 3 5 14 18 -4 15
Sensual Products 12 2 3 7 9 17 -8 9 X
Clearwater 12 1 2 9 9 24 -15 5 X
[/code:1:0514de108e]

Audioslavia's win, coupled with Aquilla's 1-0 defeat of Spaam and East Spaam's narrow win over Clearwater, puts Audioslavia top of the group on 23 points, with East Spaam second on 22 points and Aquilla third on 21. Both Spaam and Timway are now tied on 19 points. With only two-games to play, Audioslavia only need to get 3 points from 2 games to assure qualification, although 2 from 2 should feasibly be enough. Lankydude, after their good start, have continued their losing streak by being soundly beaten at home by Sensual Product's Sexual Yoghurt.

This has been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bizatches

*this place we recognize. we’ve been here before, we will be here again, we are here now. it’s the sometimes penthouse office of the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages. the minister is at this desk. there are four “38 specials” on his desk – three empties, and the one he’s currently “working” on. margaret is jamming stuff into a suitcase that lies open on a table.*

- Margaret, what – hic – are we gonna do?
- Don’t know what your gonna do, bub, but I’m gonna finish packing, then go downtown and buy me a one-way ticket outta here.
- But, thish ish a nish plash, Marga – hic – ret. I don’ wanna…um…I don’ wanna leave.
- I told you before, if the Hooligans don’t qualify, either we leave on our own – and fast, or they’re gonna arrange for us to “leave”. And we won’t like where they “leave” us.
- Don’ wanna go!
- It’s not gonna matter what you want, ol’ chum.
- How come the Hoolifling…the Whogalins…them Hoolyhoops…they can’t win one flippin’ match? They jinxed?
- I don’t know! How am I supposed to know? Maybe I got a bad batch of chickens. Maybe the moon isn’t properly aligned with some planet or other. Maybe they’re just pathetic. All I know is they lost one, then drew three in a row - and now drew another one with Oglethorpia. Went from first to fourth. And they’re chances are gettin’ slimmer and slimmer – and so are ours.
- Huh?
- Cripes! It looks like they’re NOT gonna qualify. And if they don’t, we don’t wanna be us. What we wanna be is somewhere else – fast.
- Oh, yeah…you tol’ me that –hic- later…um (hehehe)…before. Willya pack some stuff for me, Margaret?
- Pack your own stuff. I’ll pick you up a ticket when I get mine, though.
- Okie dokie.

*the minister spills his beer. who’s surprised about that? you are? you haven’t been paying attention – he always spills his beer. the butler glares at the minister, and begins to wipe it up.*

- Hey! Hey! Lookit, you go get my stuff an’ pack it inna bag, an’ I’ll wipe –hic- up the beer. Okay? Hmmm? Hmmm?

*the butler puts the wet cloth he was using to wipe up the beer in the ministers hand, glares at him once again, and heads off to pack some “stuff” for the minister*

- Thash a profeshional glare ya got there, buddy.

Sam: Hello, friends, and welcome to Halfassedstates! This is World Cup 9 qualifying action -- the twelfth day. Thanks to some fine donations by all you back home in Bedistan, BSTV has finally come up with enough money to send us here to bring you this crucial game. I'm Sam Murphy, and here with me as usual is Joey Stanton.

Joey: Ah, it's great to get back out on the road...er, plane. As I recall, this is the first time we've been in the region of FIFA...

Sam: Er, no it isn't, Joey. Remember World Cup 8, where we played our semifinal match in Oglethorpia?

Joey: Oglethorpia isn't in FIFA.

Sam: Not anymore, but it used to be.

Joey: What?! That can't be. A nation can't just move to another region whenever it feels like it.

Sam: Actually, it can. Remember the first few months of the Democratic Republic of Bedistan? As I recall, we were in some arm of the Pacific for a while.

Joey: That's preposterous. Bedistan has definitely been a part of Paripana ever since I moved there.

Sam: And that was when...?

Joey: August 21, 2004.

Sam: Uh-huh. By that time we were indeed there. You weren't there for the move. It was a bizarre thing, I tell you.

Joey: Riiiight. What was it like, pray tell?

Sam: Well, a whole armada of helicopters lined up along our border and lifted us out of the Pacific. Over a period of a few weeks, they made their way to our final home in the eastern Atlantic.

Joey: Helicopters. Do you have any idea how impossible that is?

Sam: It's true, I swear it. And Oglethorpia was moved out of FIFA in the same way.

Joey: Please. That's as likely as a team scoring six goals against Anti-Nazis.

Sam: Um....Squornshelous did that...

Joey: Still. You know what I mean.

Sam: OK...now what the hell were we supposed to be talking about?

Joey: I'd wager that we should be talking about this here football game against Halfassedstates.

Sam: Oh, right! As you'll recall, when these two teams met on matchday 5, Halfassed came out of Holmes Stadium the victors by a score of 1-0.

Joey: That was the Halloween match, with the controversial goal attributed by some to one of the officials, whose shoe the ball apparently bounced off of.

Sam: *sigh* Since when does the Columbia Times know anything about football?

Joey: Good point.

Sam: At any rate, Halfassedstates and Bedistan currently lead Group 3, with 25 points each. Though Halfassed is ahead because of their +9 goal difference to our +7.

Joey: This match is very important to most of the group here. I'd say it's almost certain that both Bedistan and Halfassed will qualify, but Antaeus Rising, Nikea, and Endray-Island, ranked 3rd, 4th, and 5th respectively, may have all their hopes riding on the outcome of this one.

Sam: The match is set to start in about five minutes, so we'll take a commercial break and come right back.

Torn from the sports pages of this mornings Scuttlebutt

Group 8 Statistics
[code:1:013f6ddfa0]
# Group 8 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Oglethorpia (10) 12 7 3 2 28 15 13 24
4 Tanah Burung (39) 12 7 2 3 16 10 6 23
5 Hell Bovines (65) 12 6 3 3 15 16 -1 21
2 Snub Nose 38 (20) 12 5 5 2 18 13 5 20
6 Warnocks Wizards (77) 12 5 3 4 15 15 0 18
3 Demonic Beings (31) 12 5 0 7 15 14 1 15
7 Evisceratomatoes 12 2 2 8 9 19 -10 8
8 Wildthings Realm 12 0 4 8 11 25 -14 4[/code:1:013f6ddfa0]
Two sides from Group 8 are now mathematically eliminated: Wildthings Realm, and Evisceratomatoes

The Snub Nose 38 Hooligans Remaining Qualifying Matches
Snub Nose 38 - Tanah Burung:Today, at 38 Special Stadium in Sten
Demonic Beings - Snub Nose 38: Matchday 14, in Demonic Beings

Tickets for the Demonic Beings match are still available, and can be acquired through "Snubitron". Or, you can call the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages. Ask for Beverly. The Tanah Burung match is sold out. Both matches will be carried on ASPN

Legal Disclaimer: Wide Area Multi Aura Modifiers (wamam) will be in operation at 38 Special Stadium for all future matches. Ask your personal physician if this will be a problem for you. The posting of this notice satisifies the legal responsibilities of the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, who therefore cannot be held accountable for any side effects that may be suffered.

Sam: The toss...and Halfassed wins it! They will start with possession, and here we go!

[9th minute]

Sam: And Ward sends it up to Milton...looking for an opening...Thomas is on him, and he sends it over to Alf Gunnet...he shoots, but Oldenburg easily sends it away.

Joey: No offense to Chuck Mitchell, but I have to say Coach Barber did the right thing when he bumped Erik Oldenburg to the starting goalkeeper slot. He's been fantastic out there the last few games.

[26th minute]

Sam: Rivera has the ball now. He sends it up to Lewey...Lewey gives it a shot, O'Malley sends it back out all the way to midfield...Claire Briscoe with it now, she shoots and scores! Bedistan up 1-0 after 26 minutes!

Joey: Claire Briscoe may well be the best midfielder our World Cup squad has known, with the exception of Gene Barber. That's her fourth goal in the qualifiers, and her sixth overall. Only Barber has scored more as a midfielder, with nine total in World Cups 6 and 7.

[45th minute]

Sam: And that's the whistle. We go into halftime up 1-0 over Halfassedstates.

Joey: Well, we're looking good so far. Oldenburg has definitely had a tough time out there today, but he's proving why he got that promotion a few games back.

Sam: All right, here we go again...

[57th minute]

Sam: James Milton attacking, trying to find an opening...Oldenburg looking out for him...Milton sends it right, Oldenburg goes left! GOAL by Milton!

Joey: And there won't be any controversy over that one -- that's all Milton, all the way. Halfassedstates with the equalizer in the 57th.

[89th minute]

Sam: It looks like the Lions are trying to get in one last shot to try to pull ahead...Briscoe passes to Morlock...Morlock shoots and NO! DENIED by O'Malley! Brendan O'Malley with the game-saving save to prevent the Lions from surging ahead!

Joey: That's the whistle, and this nail-biter of a match ends in a 1-1 draw.

Sam: Wow. I was certain one team or the other would pull away to take the outright lead in Group 3, but it was not to be! Halfassed stays first only on goal difference, both teams now with twenty-six points going into the last two matchups.

Joey: And both teams are playing the next two highest-ranked teams. Matchday 13 pits Halfassed against Nikea, while Bedistan plays Antaeus Rising, and Halfassed will close qualifying with a match against Antaeus while Bedistan dukes it out with Nikea. Don't miss these matches, folks.

Sam: For Joey Stanton, I'm Sam Murphy signing off from Halfassedstates. See ya next time, folks.

--------------------------

Final score:
Halfassedstates 1 (Milton 57)
Bedistan 1 (Briscoe 26)

[code:1:26254a728d]Group 3 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Halfassedstates (13) 12 8 2 2 19 10 9 26
Bedistan (3) 12 8 2 2 17 10 7 26
Antaeus Rising (26) 12 7 1 4 22 14 8 22
Nikea (44) 12 6 3 3 22 16 6 21
Endray-Island (54) 12 6 1 5 19 16 3 19
Tranquillitus 12 3 0 9 11 20 -9 9 X
Zinkoland (87) 12 2 2 8 11 19 -8 8 X
Kramerica 12 2 1 9 10 26 -16 7 X [/code:1:26254a728d]

For Halfassedstates and Bedistan, a single win will assure qualification.

For Antaeus Rising, two wins will assure qualification. One win in conjunction with a Nikean loss will also assure qualification.

For Nikea, two wins will assure qualification as long as Antaeus Rising does not win both of its games. One win in conjunction with two losses or one loss and one draw by Antaeus Rising, as well as at least one non-win by Endray-Island, will also assure Nikean qualification.

One loss by Endray-Island will eliminate the team.

Important Group 3 matches:

Matchday 13
Antaeus Rising (26) vs. Bedistan (3)
Halfassedstates (13) vs. Nikea (44)

Matchday 14
Bedistan (3) vs. Nikea (44)
Antaeus Rising (26) vs. Halfassedstates (13)

A "reconciliation room" in police headquarters, Burung Paradis City. The doors are locked, so the man who isn't there, although he does have a habit of not being there, can't possibly be leaving the room.

"What were you doing in the stadium with an Empam device?"

"It never happened."

"Yeah, it did happen, we caught it on film. So, who are you working for? Is it Snub Nosey Intel?"

(the police officer looks about, and doesn't see the mystery man.)

"Damn, where is he. Oh, there he is. So, who are you working for?"

"It is not happening."

"Hell, where is that bastard?"

---

The ministry of foreign affairs & human rights, Ukun Rasikan City. The bureaucracy, slowly, creaks into action.

To: Department of Justice & Real Estate, Borderlands of Snub Nose 38
From: The desk of the Acting Third Under-Secretary of the Fourth Political Division of the People's representative office for foreign affairs & human rights
Re: One of your sub-machines?

We have apprehended a man who may (or may not) be an agent of your government. He is carrying a device which appears to be (although it may not be) of Snub Nose 38 manufacture. Can you please advise?

ooc: Bureaucracy will indeed take forever. Go on in & fish him out if you like, TB police are not actually very good at all.

---

An airfield, Tiga Burung City. Bi Kikere and her team are boarding the blimp to take them to Snub Nose 38. The last time this blimp made that particular trip, it was bombarded from the ground by Snub Nosed fans. "Let them try it again," Bi Kikere says. "It will only inspire us to go on to ev-- ... to defeat the Hooligans. In fact, i am revising my opinion. I am declaring that this match is our most important one in qualifiers. If we can't eviscerate Snub Nose 20, then perhaps we can eliminate them."

She sits down, savouring the thought. "Mmm. Eliminate."

This is a place marker. Our Minister of Sport, Ufhur the Hated, is undertaking a study of the posts made in this Role Playing round of World Cup qualifying. Our findings, should you be interested, will be shortly posted on the World Cup 10 sign up thread, where there has been an ongoing debate raging about what to do with newcomer nations that do not RP. Thank you, normal service can now resume....

Zagmash the Perpetually Infirm
Third Under-Minion to the Ministry of Sport
Empire of Warnocks Wizards

P.S. Here is a link to our findings:

Role Playing Study (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2044853#2044853)

Edit: Link added

The Freedom Papers – Evening Edition

ORD Risks Elimination, Win Against Champion Impossible but Needed

ORD drew 1-1 with Soviet Haaregrad again on Matchday 12 of the WC9 Qualifying Rounds. It was an almost boring match as Soviet Haaregrad scored the first goal in the 35th minute, eluding the complacent ORD defenders without a hitch. Both sides then strengthened their offence and defence and nothing much happened until Chris Johnson just managed to score another goal in the 76th minute. A draw was most likely to occur when Arnold Marks made an amazing display of skill with Komoko Goharu but disappointment ensured when the ball was kicked to hard onto the post and safely into the keeper's hands. It was not too long before the whistle blew and the draw remained.

The fourth draw now makes the Red Dot Wolves one step closer to elimination as they now face Liverpool England and Kaze Progressa in the last two days.

[code:1:f4ab319db6]Group 1 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Liverpool England (1) 12 9 1 2 23 9 14 28
Kaze Progressa (59) 12 8 2 2 19 10 9 26
One Red Dot (29) 12 7 4 1 19 9 10 25
The Belmore Family (13) 12 7 3 2 18 9 9 24
Soviet Haaregrad 12 3 2 7 7 16 -9 11 X
God Squad (42) 12 3 1 8 12 20 -8 10 X
Kegarna 12 2 2 8 9 22 -13 8 X
Zeronia (79) 12 1 1 10 7 19 -12 4 X[/code:1:f4ab319db6]

ORD stands in great danger as while the other three nations play against easier nations, ORD ha to stand against the champion and a relatively excellent team.

Day 13 Predictions
ORD to face LE, LE wins
KP to face SH, KP wins
TBF to face GS, TBF wins
[code:1:f4ab319db6]Group 1, Day 13 P W D L Pts
Liverpool England (1) 13 10 1 2 31
Kaze Progressa (59) 13 9 2 2 29
The Belmore Family (13) 13 8 3 2 27
One Red Dot (29) 13 7 4 1 25 [/code:1:f4ab319db6]

Day 14 Predictions
ORD to face KP, ORD wins
LE to face Kegarna, LE wins
KP to face SH, KP wins
[code:1:f4ab319db6]Group 1, Day 13 P W D L Pts
Liverpool England (1) 14 11 1 2 34
The Belmore Family (13) 14 9 3 2 30
Kaze Progressa (59) 14 9 2 3 29
One Red Dot (29) 14 8 4 1 28 [/code:1:f4ab319db6]

ORD's only hope is that they at least draw LE, and then scrape elimination based on Goal Difference compared to Kaze Progressa OR defeat LE altogether and stay safe. It is a perilous time for ORD now as we might have to miss fighting for the cup.

ORD World Cup Record:
[code:1:f4ab319db6]
World Cup WC4 WC5 WC6 WC7 WC8 WC9
Matches Played 9 10 17 13 13 12

Wins 3 5 9 9 6 7
Draws 3 0 7 1 2 4
Losses 3 5 1 3 5 1

Goals For 9 17 31 31 22 19
Average GF 1.00 1.70 1.82 2.38 1.69 1.58
Goals Against 10 16 16 9 19 9
Average GA 1.11 1.60 0.94 0.69 1.46 0.75
Goal Diff. –1 +1 +15 +22 +3 +10
Average GD -0.11 0.11 0.88 1.69 0.23 0.83

Total Matches 9 19 36 49 62 74

Acc. Wins 3 8 17 26 32 39
Acc. Draws 3 3 10 11 13 17
Acc. Losses 3 8 9 12 17 18

Accumulated GF 9 26 57 88 110 129
Ave. Acc. GF 1.00 1.37 1.58 1.80 1.77 1.74
Accumulated GA 10 26 42 51 70 79
Ave. Acc. GA 1.11 1.37 1.17 1.04 1.13 1.07
Accumulated GD -1 0 +15 +37 +40 +50
Ave. Acc. GD -0.11 0 0.42 0.76 0.65 0.68

Average Opp. Rank 64.67 65.20 52.80 53.38 91.38 70.57
Highest Opp. Rank 12 5 8 7 21 1
Lowest Opp. Rank 100 100 100 100 150 150

Pre-Match Rank 100 27 30 22 16 29

*Rounding-ups/downs may cause calculative errors in the table.[/code:1:f4ab319db6]

However, on a more cheerful note, ORD has won the hosting bid with regional neighbour Gian Zucchini to host WC10. This means that WC10 entry will be automatic while ORD enjoys an increased jump in the tourist industry.

ORD Match Fixtures, Day 13~14
Day 13: Liverpool England (1) v One Red Dot (29) @ Liverpool England
Day 14: One Red Dot (29) v Kaze Progressa (59) @ Royal Red Dot National Stadium

All tickets to both matches can still be bought at the your nearby ORDOTIX counters.

http://www.abelmore.com/TDB.JPG
Belmore win against Kergarna, but still out of the top 4
TBF have almost definatly qualified by beat Kergarna away. The 3-0 victory was down to Alan Belmore keeping his amazing form going. The first was after only 7 minutes, a nicely placed penalty tapped into the bottom left corner of the goal. The second was thanks to a curling cross that Alan bicycle kicked in after 31 minutes. The game was rounded off when Alan completed his hat-trick from a simple chip, one on one with the goalie. All TBF really need is a win now to secure qualification.

From the KaMaRi-Update:
Kravoli defeated, but how

The current match was as clear as a match between the fourth and the last team in the table could be, but despite this, Junis'Omeh didn't look good. 'They had all the chances for a real high victory, but they didn't TAKE them!' shouted a fan after the match. And it was true: They had many chances, but they had either bad luck or they simply seemed to lack the skill to score. SyLy* scored in the 50th minute merely by luck, since it was his 3rd big chance during the match. In the 69th minute, he was substituted by Mata Koleni and that didn't improve eighter the game nor the score. Imdila said about this game, smiling: "You see, it's not that bad, because we won! They are newbies, we are newbies, but still everyone has seen us as favorites and not them, so we can't be playing that gilae!" A question about the possibility of the chance of qualification he answered: "We had a problem, when the rules where translaed to Rejistanian, we thought because of this, that the first 4 teams are in. It's just the first 3. I think, we still have a small chance!" At leat everyone in Rejistania hopes for it!

* As you may have guessed, Syku Lyku is meant

The Gesamtkuntswerk Sturms have done it again! When coming up against season veterans and top-10 team Oddslavo, all the Sturms had to say was "attack" and the game was won.

Showing another bout of Gesamtkuntswerkian blitzkrieg tactics, the Sturms pushed possession of the ball deep into Oddslavo territory in the first minutes of the game. Coming up against a solid, world-class defencive wall, the Sturms had to cope with a lot of back and forth from the opposition. Nevertheless, an attack spearheaded by favourite Pádraig O Máille led to the first Sturm goal of the game in the 29th minute.

The second half was one of great plays. Knowing that each side was one goal away from either securing or endangering the game, Team Oddslavo made a great push into Sturm territory. Though coming up against the team with the lowest allowances in the group (at the time 10, tied with Dark Outcasts and Oddslavo), a goal was nonetheless scored in the 61st minute.

The goal seemed to only energized the Sturms, as an even higher level of energy was present in their attack. Showing some amazing team coordination, the second Sturm goal and the final point of the game was scored by James Bowie in the 83rd minute. With victory at hand, the Sturms played a solid defence to clinch the game.

Manager Ralph Wilder: "This game was a real thriller. Oddslavo has one of the best defences in the group... coming up against by far the best attacking team, this was going to be a very interesting game. We might be in the lead, but these next two games will be arguably the most interesting qualifying games: 1st place Gesamtkuntswerk vs 3rd place Pure Evil and 2nd place Dark Outcasts, with two points difference between third and first. We smashed Pure Evil and narrowly lost to Dark Outcasts, but who can say how it'll go next time? Anything can happen, but however it works, it's gonna be interesting to watch."

Stupid b0rk3d up forum pages :?

The Maracaibo Post

Hooligans-Oglethorpia match ends in deadlock
Hooligans and Oglethorpia come away from matchday twelve with a draw

By Bill Christmas

SOMEWHERE IN SNUB NOSE 38 -- Oglethorpia rolled into town, playing Snub Nose 38's Hooligans in the wawam produced stadium of the nation. Earlier in qualifying the Hooligans took a victory home from the Oglethorpians, the side looking to come back from the loss with a win in Snub Nose 38.

Knuckles struck early on -- not even ten minutes in he had put one on the board for the Hooligans.

His long shot into the goal was uncontested -- for Yamamoto-san had for some reason been fully preoccupied from his goalkeeping duties.

OGLETHORPIA 0 - 1 SNUB NOSE 38 HOOLIGANS

Oglethorpia was still down as the match headed into halftime. Yamamoto-san was now preforming at his usual, protecting the goal to halftime and still keeping the score down to 1-nil until the 61st minute, when team captain Fernando Green scored the equalizer.

"I didn't score that goal, but that goal kicked ass," said striker Torrence Black.

The match remained even till the end of fulltime, Oglethorpia securing a draw in the foreign nation of Snub Nose 38.

"I'm glad to take away a draw," said team captain Fernando Green. "We're still on top of group eight, so i'm happy."

The end of the match had Yamamoto-san in coughing fits, from what it is unknown.

Said Guy Picciotto jokingly, "it's probably those damned wawam devices."

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Repeat of Four Years Ago?
Nikean Loss Threatens to Leave Pandas Out of World Cup 9
by Markenin Markenel

QUELDAS(NP) - The date was four years ago plus 5 days, and the place was Solarin Stadium here in Queldas. Nikea, then 71st in the world, was surprising their group by holding down the final qualification spot with 3 matches remaining. A win in Queldas would seal the deal, and send the Pandas into World Cup 8. First, they had to get through a tough (then) 38th ranked Gesamtkuntswerk side. The Pandas had shocked them at home 3-1 on matchday 3, and the Sturms were looking to even the score.

The buildup to that match had featured a three-game Nikean winning tear, defeating opponents impressively. The Pandas still were underdogs, but only slightly.

That was the date when the wheels fell off the Pandas team, losing 3-1. Numerous other attempts to clinch a spot were lost when they were trounced 3-0 in Dennisov and 2-0 in The Dragonian Empire, a match which Nikea were favoured to win, and only needed a point or a Gesamtkuntswerk loss to Dennisov. Neither happened, and Nikea was left disappointed.

It appears as though a similar situation is arising once again. Again, on the third last match of qualifying, Nikea was at home in Solarin Stadium in Queldas, this time 44th in the world. The rank gap between them and their opponents, the 26th ranked Anateus Rising, was closer than the 38-71 gap from four years ago, and many had forgotten, or just chose not to remember, the blunders that had cost a trip to Bedistan or Olgethorpia. Many of the fans fully expected for the Pandas to come out of this night's matchup with at least a point, perhaps a victory. Endray-Island's draw had meant that Nikea was safe from them (for now), and a victory would really give them an edge, what with the Pandas having to travel to Halfassedstates and then Bedistan (albeit four years too late in the minds of those on that fateful team).

The Pandas, who had started out so well in the previous two matchups, fell behind early. A nice corner kick curled across the box, and the Nikean defenders were left standing around as an Anateus Rising forward popped a header into the net in the 12th minute. After another soft goal in the 17th minute, it looked as though the wheels had popped off once again.

However, the Pandas gained some life towards the end of the first half. After a first 45 minutes full of pressure from the Rising side, Akitomo Sakai found himself on the end of a nice clearance by Jaskertel. He quickly passed it off to Jerin Istertel, who beat one defender and slid a well-placed shot into the back of the net. The halftime whistle blew three minutes later.

Nikea came out strong in the second half, although many of their chances just narrowly missed their targets. Salvation came in the 76th minute in the form of a foul by an Anateus Rising defender in the box, leading to a penalty. Turinnen Mortethel was chosen to take it, because of his deceptive left-footed shot. He fooled the Anateus Rising keeper by placing it square into the middle of the net, and the game was tied 2-2.

There was hope once again in Solarin Stadium. After the first two goals, the events of four years ago came flooding back to many of the supporters in the stadium. Many thought that Mortethel's foot would carry them at least to a much safer position going into the final two matches. The 85th minute ended this notion, when Anateus Rising got a brilliant marker that would have beaten any keeper in the world. A bullet of a shot that had a nasty curve, Renteritel was left handcuffed as the ball bulged the twine, cutting the proverbial feet from under the 62 000 supporters in the stadium. Panda Magic had fizzled out, and the match ended a 3-2 victory for the visitors, launching them up into the third and final qualifying spot in the group.

In other important Group 3 action, Halfassedstates and Bedistan drew to a 1-1 draw, deciding absolutely nothing new at the top of the group. Endray-Island drew with Zinkoland, also 1-1, moving them within two points of the Pandas and three of Anateus Rising. Nikea now travels to Halfassedstates and Bedistan for their final two matches.

[code:1:0bd4ad8547]
Nikea 2 (Istertel 44, Mortethel 76 PEN)
v.
Anateus Rising 3 (<player> 12, <player> 17, <player> 85)
[/code:1:0bd4ad8547]

----------------------------------------

Match Schedule

Nikea v. Tranquillitis W 2-0
Nikea v. #54 Endray-Island W 2-1
#87 Zinkoland v. Nikea W 2-1
-Kramerica- v. Nikea D 1-1
#26 Anateus Rising v. Nikea D 2-2
Nikea v. #13 Halfassedstates L 0-2
Nikea v. #3 Bedistan D 2-2
Tranquillitis v. Nikea W 1-0
#54 Endray-Island v. Nikea L 1-2
Nikea v. #87 Zinkoland W 4-2
Nikea v. -Kramerica- W 3-0
Nikea v. #26 Anateus Rising L 2-3
#13 Halfassedstates v. Nikea
#3 Bedistan v. Nikea

The Athletic Review
World Cup Edition


Kingsford City, AP - Today, instead of giving you our own personal opinion of the 2-1 win over The Weegies, we've decided to have a World Cup First! What we've done is gone all over the internet and the world and found the best reports and opinions, got approval to "bend" a few copyright laws, and tada! The first ever in World Cup history "World Review"!



(Article 1: From www.freehosts.co.kn/l33th4x0rr3v13wz/ind3x.html)

K1NG5F0RD W1N!!!!!!1111

T3h K1ng5f0rd N4t10n4l w0n t0d4y 4g41n5t t3h w33g135. 1t w4s 1337 r0x0r. w00tn355. t0 t3h m4x. 1 h4v3 n0 fr13nd5.

--------------------

(Article 2: From The Daily Belmorian)

http://www.abelmore.com/tdb.jpg
Kingsford Win!

--------------------

(Article 3: From a Terranos newspaper)


--------------------

(Article 4: From the Los Polverines Times, Oglethorpia)

The Superteam Is an Awesome Name.
It has been agreed by every citizen in Oglethorpia that The Superteam is an awesome name. However, there is some confusion. The Oglethorpia futebol side is in no way related to the Supertwins, Superman, or the Super Lotto. They are not cousins of Mr. T and the A Team, or any of the American Olympic Basketball team, The Dream Team. They will not be referred to as: The Uberteam, the Oglethorpian Futebol side, The Super Duper Team, or the Wonderteam. The latter is the least acceptable, for they are clearly of the 'Super' nature, and, infact, not of the 'Wonder' nature. Kingsford won. So therefore, please, don't be confused by our random and spontaneous name changing. instead, be confused by the way we spell football. Futebol.

--------------------

(Article 5: From The Warnock Dispatch, Warnocks Wizards)

Kingsford the Nationals victorious over The the Weegies
Today in Kingsford the City, Kingsford the Nationals took on the soccer team from The the Weegies. The game was a quick one, commentated on the Athetic the Review by John the Madder and Lee the Torso. There were two goals, the first by Mike the Odyssey in the 22nd, and the second by star forward Desypar the... oh crap... the guy only has one name. That sucks.


--------------------

(Article 6: from the Drunken Pig (Satire, Sports, and Plastic Surgery Adds), Lemmitania)

Gil Still Dead.

Today, at the 24/7 monitor of Gil's grave, we saw some unusual activity. At first, we thought he was coming back for that check, but then we just realized that a fuzzy little rabbit had hopped onto the place where he was buried. After the sighs of dissapointment faded, we were all rather relieved, because we're almost certain Gil was, infact, not a Rabbit. The rabbit has been taken into custody, however, for interrogation, torture, and disco dancing. So far, the only progress made was the disco dancing, as the rabbit started to hop. We at the Drunken Pig promise to keep you updated on this crucial event in Lemmitanian history. After all, this is a Drunken Pig exclusive. So buy every hourly edition of The Drunken Pig, for your latest satire, sports, and plastic surgery adds. And Kingsford beat the Weegies.

--------------------


(disclaimer as to not get killed: The above is satire and exaggeration. Except the Daily Belmorian. they actually are that short. Right, back on topic. If you don't like it, tough. It's supposed to be funny. If you can't take a joke, then you need to be slapped. Especially Belmore.)

Ariddia vs. Busby

Singh: "Welcome back, for the second half of Ariddia versus Busby. And Ariddia in a singularly bad position here, being led by three-nil!"

Kim: "Yes, it’s not often we see this. Ariddia’s defence, rated one of the best in this Cup, has been unusually disorganised. I don’t think the team has ever missed as many passes as in this game. . . Come on, guys!"

Singh: "A quick summary. Two goals in the fifteenth and twenty-second minutes, and a penalty conceded in the thirty-eighth. Still, no changes in the roster after half-time."

GK: Quentin Grey (23)
DEF: Samuel Wood (17), Wn Wahd (20), Wesley Davidson (1), Fred Duchantier(13)
MID: Andrei Karel (15), Mikael Nyevich (19), Kazushi Tomson (5), Karim Li (18 )
ATT: Myn Terrell (3), Is Phillip (22)


50th minute:
Singh: "Corner kick for Busby, played fast. Wahd deflects it with his head. Duchantier to Tomson. An opportunity here, with much of Busby’s team massed on the wrong side of the field. . . Tomson streaks through defence. . . Passes to Li. Li shoots. . . It’s saved."

58th minute:
Kim: "And another corner for Busby. Played. . . Shot! Grey has it with his fingertips, can’t control it. . . yes, he can. Whew, that was close. . ."

60th minute:
Kim: "And that was a foul, a definite foul! The referee agrees. That’s a yellow card for Busby, and a penalty for Ariddia. They’re deciding who’s going to play it. . . Tomson is a good penalty kicker, he gets it. Now, Busby put both theirs in, we can’t miss ours. . ."

Singh: "He shoots. . . It goes straight in! Busby’s goalkeeper was far too slow here; goal!"

Kim: "And Ariddia have saved face, if nothing else. . ."


FINAL SCORE
Busby – Ariddia 3-1

Matchday 13 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2047719#2047719) and tables are (finally) up.

Liverpool England Secures Qualification With Amazing Win Over One Red Dot, defeat ORD 4-1

Liverpool England 4 [Cannon 4th, 6th, 9th, Dussis 86th]
One Red Dot 1 [Christopher own goal 13th]

In a bizarre match that saw four goals in thirteen minutes, Liverpool England, the defending champions, dumped One Red Dot aside 4-1. The home team gained an early lead in the fourth minute through Captain Cannon. He then doubled the lead two minutes late, and secured an early hat-trick when he scored again after nine minutes. After the match, he told reporters, "To score a hat-trick is good, to score a hat-trick in nine minutes is out of this world." Howard Christopher knocked in the ball for an own goal 4 minutes later, but the game was all but over. Dussis completed the rout with 4 minutes left.

The Gilmeecia International Times

Where the news crawls to die

Zombpires Denied Again

Denial of the existence of Zombpires, those loveably hideous undead monsters with the most insideous features of a zombie and a vampire all rolled into one, has spread even to the highest (or, technically, second-highest) reaches of Gilmeecian power. President Louis Gilsterson today called a press conference to assure the world that "there's no such thing as Zombpires."

"I don't even think Zombpires are possible," said the President. "And even if they are, are they desireable? Hell, no. We've got enough trouble with the undead we know how to destroy; what would we want with ones we haven't figured out how to send back to the Nether Reaches yet?"

What indeed? This reporter can only conjecture. My best guess? They'd make indefatiguable factory workers. Screw those high-priced undocumented foreigners who drain the economy at the rate of two lemsonians an hour. Give me some good, old-fashioned unsleeping Zombpires any day.

Kickassers Kick Their Way to the Cup

by Gillian Gilquest

With an unlikely shutout of footballing powers Total n Utter Insanity, the Gilmmecian national side secured a place in the ninth World Cup today. Though the Kickassers maintain the second-best record in qualifying, they were not assured a place in the tournament until this, the penultimate qualifying match. Said Coach Horschackio, "Kind of ironic, I guess, but we're in a tough group. Not as bad as group eight [where five top sides battle for three qualifying spots], but some real competition here."

After losing the previous two matches, the victory was a much-needed morale booster for the squad. The lone goal of the game came at fifty-four minute when Gobins set up Gilderbecke on a nice look-the-other-way-kick-off-the-back-of-the-foot crosser that might have been an accident. Be that as it may, Gilderbecke took advantage and pushed it just past the keeper's dive.

Asked whether he would rest some starters for the final qualifying match, Coach said, "No, I don't think so. If LE [Liverpool England] don't win their last match we have a chance to come through with the best record in qualifying, and that'd be a nice thing for the team."

Despite a heroic effort, our match with Audioslavia was held scoreless today. We are still third in the group, and our match against Timway tomorrow will be difficult. We are, however, ranked highly on 'Best Defense'. Cool. In other news, Aquillan Rival Commerce Heights pulled off a surprise win over Haraki. They face off against Errindura, former WC champ and located just below them on the chart, tomorrow. Will we qualify? Tune in to KCHR on Monday to figure out!

Liverpool England Secures Qualification With Amazing Win Over One Red Dot, defeat ORD 4-1

Liverpool England 4 [Cannon 4th, 6th, 9th, Dussis 86th]
One Red Dot 1 [Christopher own goal 13th]

Someone please go back through all of LE's RPs and see how many "own goals" have been scored. I recall that in 2 matches against LE in World Cup 8 qualifying, he claimed that no fewer than 3 Gilmeecian goals were own goals scored by his players against themselves; and this isn't the first time in World Cup 9.

Tables Post Group 1 Matchday 13
[code:1:35e8c50f5a]
Group 1 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Liverpool England (1) 13 10 1 2 27 10 17 31 Q
Kaze Progressa (59) 13 9 2 2 21 11 10 29 Q
The Belmore Family (13) 13 8 3 2 21 10 11 27
One Red Dot (29) 13 7 4 2 20 13 7 25
Soviet Haaregrad 13 3 2 8 8 18 -10 11 X
God Squad (42) 13 3 1 9 13 23 -10 10 X
Kegarna 13 2 2 9 10 25 -15 8 X
Zeronia (79) 13 2 1 10 10 20 -10 7 X
[/code:1:35e8c50f5a]

Liverpool England Secures Qualification With Amazing Win Over One Red Dot, defeat ORD 4-1

Liverpool England 4 [Cannon 4th, 6th, 9th, Dussis 86th]
One Red Dot 1 [Christopher own goal 13th]

Someone please go back through all of LE's RPs and see how many "own goals" have been scored. I recall that in 2 matches against LE in World Cup 8 qualifying, he claimed that no fewer than 3 Gilmeecian goals were own goals scored by his players against themselves; and this isn't the first time in World Cup 9.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.......

Commerce Heights Finishes Off Second-Ranked Haraki In Memorial Stadium, Qualification Assured
NEW LEXINGTON, LM, CH - With the challenge of defeating Akbarland off of the Bulldogs' minds, they came into New Lexington's Memorial Stadium today to try to make up for their 2-3 loss to Haraki earlier in qualification. Deppiesse proved that he deserves the starting role assigned to him for his first World Cup by scoring an earlier goal. In the late first half, Vojtilo allowed 2 goals by Haraki, putting the Bulldogs down 1-2 at halftime. Coach Broquard managed to get the team fired up for the second half, in which Quigley, Cahalane, and Burns all got goals to finalize the game.
(23) Commerce Heights 4 (Deppiesse 15, Quigley 52, Cahalane 64, Burns 87)
(02) Haraki 2 - FT
With Errinundera's defeat of Akbarland, the group's top 3 seeds are all assured qualification with 1 game left:
[code:1:3ba84a080c]Group 2 P W D L F A GD Pts
Haraki (2)* 13 8 3 2 28 17 +11 27
Commerce Heights (23)* 13 8 1 4 25 19 +6 25
Errinundera (15)* 13 6 4 3 19 12 +7 22
Akbarland (37) 13 6 0 7 17 18 -1 18
Eauz (52) 13 5 3 5 17 18 -1 18
SterlingIce 13 4 1 8 13 18 -5 13
CallMeBernard 13 3 3 7 14 22 -8 12
NASTIC 2 13 2 5 5 16 25 -9 11
*qualified[/code:1:3ba84a080c]
Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 1: vs NASTIC 2 – T 2-2
Day 2: vs SterlingIce – W 1-0
Day 3: at #52 Eauz – W 2-1
Day 4: vs CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 5: vs #37 Akbarland – W 1-0
Day 6: at #2 Haraki – L 2-3
Day 7: at #15 Errinundera – L 1-2
Day 8: at NASTIC 2 – W 2-1
Day 9: at SterlingIce – W 2-1
Day 10: vs #52 Eauz – W 4-3
Day 11: at CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 12: at #37 Akbarland – W 2-0
Day 13: vs #2 Haraki – W 4-2
Day 14: vs #15 Errinundera
Statistics - Team
[code:1:3ba84a080c] Overall WC7 WC8 WC9
Games Played 36 10 13 13
Wins 17 3 6 8
Draws 8 3 4 1
Losses 11 4 3 4
Avg. Opp. Rank 77.4 62.6 81.7 84.4
Highest Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Highest Def. Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Avg. Offense 1.7 1.5 1.5 1.9 gpg
Avg. Defense 1.4 1.8 1.2 1.6 gpg
Goal Differential +8 -3 +5 +6
Rank 100 54 23[/code:1:3ba84a080c]
Statistics - Individual
[code:1:3ba84a080c]Team Scoring Leaders – WC9
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley 13 6 0.46
J. Cahalane 13 5 0.38
C. Deppiesse 13 5 0.38
K. Decker 13 4 0.31
F. Wallace 13 2 0.15
E. Burns 13 2 0.15
M. Paritmongkol 13 1 0.08


Goaltending Leaders – WC9
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo 10 12 1.20
A. Yago 4 7 1.75

Team Scoring Leaders – Overall
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley*** 36 18 0.50
C. Deppiesse..* 13 5 0.38
K. Decker*** 36 11 0.31
J. Cahalane*** 36 10 0.28
C. Romanowski**. 23 5 0.22
F. Wallace^^* 17 3 0.18
M. McCormick.^^ 6 1 0.17
D. Kakuta**. 23 3 0.13
M. Paritmongkol*** 36 2 0.06
E. Burns*** 36 2 0.06

Goaltending Leaders – Overall
Player G GA GPG
A. Yago.^^ 9 12 1.33
D. Vojtilo*** 29 40 1.38

..*/..^ starter/backup in WC9
.*./.^. starter/backup in WC8
*../^.. starter/backup in WC7[/code:1:3ba84a080c]

NSL Scores - Day 13
National Championship - Maxisoft Stadium, Commerce Heights
(15) Aeropag 1
[08] New Prince 0 - FT

Third-Place Match - PariMedia Stadium, Lexington
(01) Commerce Heights 1
(05) New Hampton 0 - AET (0-0 FT)

Third-Place Match - PariMedia Stadium, Lexington
(01) Commerce Heights 1
(05) New Hampton 0 - AET (0-0 FT)

Semi-OOC Note: PariMedia Stadium in Lexington, CH is not the same as PariMedia Field in Sonoma City, Bedistan, used in World Cup 8. ;)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.......

I ain't kidding.

FIRST LIVERPOOL ENGLAND HAT-TRICK OF QUALIFYING: LE 3 GILMEECIA 2 (DUSSIS 4TH, 39TH, 86TH); 17-YR-OLD HOWARD CHRISTOPHER SCORES OWN GOAL (CHRISTOPHER OG 1ST)

GILMEECIA 3 (Dussis 36th own goal, Hearne 59th own goal, player 64th penalty)
LIVERPOOL ENGLAND 1 (Cannon 1st penalty/Hearne sent off 63rd)

Liverpool England 1 (player own goal 25th)
Yentrofina 0

There’s Still Hope at Mount Doom

Bagdreg’s Bender Wins Match for Wizards, Keeps Qualifying Chance Alive

From our news services...

Matchday 13, Wildthings Realm–Warnocks Wizards are not yet doomed. The national team kept their slim hopes of qualifying for World Cup Ravenspire/Europa Brittania alive last night with a hard fought 1-0 victory over the anonymous nation of the Wildthings Realm. The team canoe was nearly lost finding its way to The Center of the World, where the Wildthings apparently reside. In the end though, Bagdreg the Mauler’s pearler of a goal sent the visitors on their way to keeping the dream alive.

Manager Ufwurz the Furious made two changes to the side that left a cow pattie in Hell Bovines. Akhburz the Straggler came in for the suspended Mausnik the Cleaver, who faces a long lay off after his moment of udder insanity against the hapless Bovine Ron Goldenspot. Conversely, Akhklash the Emaciated made his long awaited return after serving a suspension for taking a bite out of Eviscerated Tomato Urk “Hot” Tamale-Underhill on matchday 7. Akhklash replaced Gabdul the Looter in the starting lineup.

The Red and White Wizards began the match in their attacking 4-3-1-2, hoping to take the game to the home side from the opening kick off. The lads played with steely determination, knowing that the match was a must win. However, the home side approached the match without abandon, and were ready to dish out their frustration at not having won a match to this point. As a result, the tackles went flying in from both sides. The home side picked up four bookings by Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, and Unnamed Player, respectively. The Wizards picked up three bookings and were forced to make two substitutions, all before half time. Elderly midfielder Krumsnak the Sneaky had to be helped off the pitch as his zimmer frame [“walker” in North America] cracked in half. Gromdul the Gasher replaced him. Akhklash the Emaciated, noticeably limping after a crunching tackle committed by Unnamed Player, had to be taken off because of what was later described as a “stubbed toe.” Manager Ufwurz was Furious with the referee, crying over the fact his players were being hacked all over the pitch by the Wildthings. The first half ended at 0-0.

Despite an obvious rollicking from their manager at halftime, the Wizards began the second half tentatively and were fortunate not to go down a goal. Akhburz fouled Unnamed Player just outside the Wizard’s box and Unnamed Player’s ensuing free kick had goalkeeper Ishhak the Smasher beaten, but fortunately only grazed the crossbar. After a period where all their passes seemed to be bobbling away along with their slim chance of a trip to the World Cup, Manager Ufwurz made his final substitute, target man Globdreg the Destroyer for left back Ghaztrak the Gouger. The Wizards changed to a 3-4-3 formation and threw everything at the Wildthings. On 74 minutes, Globdreg won a seemingly innocuous free kick 30 yards away from the home side’s goal. Bagdreg the Mauler stepped over the ball and curled in a beautiful free kick that eluded the wall and the goalkeeper, for his second wonder free kick in qualifying. It’s been said before, but, truly, no one can bend the ball like Bagdreg. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards. The National Team faced some difficult moments at the end of the match as they were forced to play with 9 men as central defender and national captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw had to leave for losing a fingernail, and Ashmazh the Tough crawled off with a case of agoraphobia. The Wizards desperately held out in the end and preserved a 1-0 victory. Full time: Wildthings Realm 0, Warnocks Wizards 1.

Wildthings Realm: Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, (Unnamed Player 82), Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player (Unnamed Player 64), Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player (Unnamed Player 75), Unnamed Player.

Unused substitutes: Unnamed Player, Unnamed Player.

Warnocks Wizards: Ishhak the Smasher, Ghaztrak the Gouger (Globdreg the Destroyer 63), Akhburz the Straggler, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Krumsnak the Sneaky (Gromdul the Gasher 26), Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated (Gabdul the Looter 32), Ghazghash the Sleazy, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Globtakh the Timid, Ufdush the Nasty.

For their final match in Group 8, Warnocks Wizards return home to welcome Evisceratomatoes. A halftime spectacular is planned featuring all of the best in WW entertainment. Among those scheduled to appear are Elven folk singing sensation Maldholwen, The Shagrat and Gorbag Uruk’Hai Folkdance Troupe, musical group Wizards Without Hats, billionaire perfume-maker and giant spider Shelob-VIII-Legs, and Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator.

The Wizards still retain a slim chance of qualifying for World Cup Ravenspire/Europa Brittania. In order to qualify the Wizards must win their match, and hope for some help. They could qualify if:

The Wizards win and Hell Bovines lose and Snub Nose 38 do not win, or

The Wizards win by a large margin (i.e. by 3 goals) and Tanah Burung lose by a good margin (i.e. 2 goals) and Snub Nose 38 do not win, or

The Wizards win by a large margin (i.e. by 3 goals) and Tanah Burung lose by a good margin (i.e. 2 goals) and Hell Bovines lose.

In short, they must win their final match and overtake two teams to qualify. Work those worry beads, there’s still hope at Mount Doom.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Pandas Still Alive
Draw with Halfassedstates Gives Nikea Shot
by Markenin Markenel

HALFASSEDSTATES(NP) - Perhaps the ghosts of four years ago won't come back to haunt Nikea. It will still be a tough task, but the Pandas do have a shot at qualifying.

The Pandas came out with extra determination in Halfassedstates today, knowing that failure to get a point would likely prove costly. There were no anthem antics, and no Perin the Panda in sight this time around. The stellar play of the Nikeans in the early moments of the match led to the first goal of the match in the 15th minute, when Jerin Istertel surprised the home crowd by banking a shot off the far right post from just inside the left side of the box, putting the Pandas up 1-0.

Halfassedstates soon responded, however, in the 26th minute, with a nice run down the side. After a cross and a well-placed header, the home side had tied the match up at ones. They went ahead 6 minutes before the break when a brilliant passing play led to the second goal of the match for Halfassedstates. Nikea went into the half down 2-1.

Whatever extra momentum that was gained by the late goal was soon extinguished when Istertel got his second goal of the match just 4 minutes into the half. Keresin Keresiuene's free kick was redirected by Istertel into the back of the net, breathing new life into the Pandas, and perhaps sparking some of that Panda Magic.

There were no goals for the remainder of the match, as both Jeserin Renteritel and Brandon O'Malley made some excellent saves to keep the match level. It ended in a well deserved 2-2 draw.

Nikea rejoined Anateus Rising tied for third in Group 3, behind by only one goal on goal differential. Endray-Island drew again, this time to lowly Zinkoland, so they still remain 2 points back. Bedistan, with their victory over Anateus Rising, moved two points ahead of Halfassedstates.

There are many possible scenarios that could occur. Both Halfassedstates and Bedistan have qualified. This leaves Nikea, Anateus Rising, and Endray-Island fighting for the remaining spot.

Endray-Island needs a victory in Tranquillitis and a loss by both Nikea and Anateus Rising to go through. A draw by either one of those teams will likely eliminate the Islanders, as they would have to win by at least 4 goals, probably 5, to overcome the goal differential defecit.

Anateus Rising hosts Halfassedstates. A victory would work best, although a draw would be enough to send them through should Nikea draw or lose. A loss coupled with a Nikean draw or win would eliminate them.

Nikea heads to Bedistan, which is the most difficult pathway into World Cup 9 for all three remaining contenders. A victory, along with an Anateus Rising draw or loss, would elevate the Pandas into the cup. A draw would do the same, providing Anateus Rising lost. A loss eliminates them.

In their last meetings:
Nikea and Bedistan drew 2-2 in Nikea
Endray-Island defeated Tranquillitis 3-1 in Endray-Island
Halfassedstates defeated Anateus Rising 1-0 in Halfassedstates

[code:1:1c439e29ef]
Halfassedstates 2 (<player> 26, <player> 39) (OOC: Letting him decide who)
v.
Nikea 2 (Istertel 15, 49)
[/code:1:1c439e29ef]

----------------------------------------

Match Schedule

Nikea v. Tranquillitis W 2-0
Nikea v. #54 Endray-Island W 2-1
#87 Zinkoland v. Nikea W 2-1
-Kramerica- v. Nikea D 1-1
#26 Anateus Rising v. Nikea D 2-2
Nikea v. #13 Halfassedstates L 0-2
Nikea v. #3 Bedistan D 2-2
Tranquillitis v. Nikea W 1-0
#54 Endray-Island v. Nikea L 1-2
Nikea v. #87 Zinkoland W 4-2
Nikea v. -Kramerica- W 3-0
Nikea v. #26 Anateus Rising L 2-3
#13 Halfassedstates v. Nikea D 2-2
#3 Bedistan v. Nikea

Injury Worries Ahead of Final Group Match

Manager Ufwurz the Furious has some Tough Decisions to Make

From our news services...

Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–The Wizards are in intensive training ahead of their final World Cup Qualifying Group 8 match at Fortress Warnock. The team’s chances at making the elusive trip to Ravenspire/Europa Brittania, along with much of their squad, are in intensive care. Due to recent suspensions and a couple of physical matches, the Wizards roster reads like something out of the patient list at New Rivendell General Hospital. Here are the players currently carrying injuries or suspensions and are therefore a doubt for the Wizards final match this weekend against the Evisceratomatoes:

Ishhak the Smasher (jammed thumb & bruised knuckles–occurred on return canoe trip from Wildthings Realm);
Globtakh the Meek (fear of the unknown);
Krumsnik the Paunch (black eye–occurred on return canoe trip from Wildthings Realm);
Mausnik the Cruel (suspension for udder insanity against Bovine Ron Goldenspots);
Shagrukh the Strongclaw (broken manicure–suffered in Wildthings match);
Krumsnak the Sneaky (cracked zimmer frame);
Gromdul the Gasher (broken cheek bone–occurred on return canoe trip from Wildthings Realm)
Akhklash the Emaciated (malnutrition; stubbed toe–suffered in Wildthings match);
Globdreg the Destroyer (bruised knuckles–occurred on return canoe trip from Wildthings Realm)
Ashmazh the Tough (agoraphobia);
Mersnik the Cruel (possession–by the Demon known as Paul Wood);
Manager Ufwurz the Furious (hoarse voice)
Team Psychiatrist Skaialuk the Insane (quite, quite mad)

Manager Ufwurz the Furious no doubt has some interesting decisions to make. The Wizards have one advantage heading to this weekend’s match with the Evisceratomatoes. Former Tomato consultant Guntur Ruak, now the manager of giant spider side Shelobs Obsession, is assisting Ufwurz in his preparations for the match. Ruak is well versed on the Tomatoes’ weaknesses. Work those worry beads, there’s still hope at Mount Doom.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Noooooooooooooooo!

Squornshelous is about to not qualify for the first time ever!

*holds gun to head and waits for matchday 14*

Plane Tickets to Ravenspire, Europa Brittania Sold Out as Antaeus Falls Again

ANTAEUS RISING -- All twenty-three members of the Bedistan Lions national football squad plus coach Gene Barber were doing the happy dance after yesterday's match in Antaeus Rising.

Darren Morlock opened the scoring in the 24th minute on a cross from Phil Rivera that he easily directed into the home team's net. The forward would prove himself again just ten minutes later with a powerful shot from the box. Bedistan goalkeeper Erik Oldenburg was not without his share of the action either, and a foul by Diego Sanchez led to an Antaeus Rising goal just before halftime.

With the visitors up 2-1, the home side changed gears for the second half, become a bit more defensive. However, when the got the opportunity to equalize, they didn't waste it. Oldenburg let the uncharacteristic second goal by in the 70th minute. For a while it looked like the match would end in a draw, but Morlock put yet another ball into the opposing goal with time to spare.

The victory pushed Bedistan to the top of the table with 29 points (Halfassedstates drew with Nikea, giving them only 27), and both Bedistan and Halfassedstates have now qualified to go to Ravenspire, Europa Brittania, or possibly both. Meanwhile, Antaeus Rising, Nikea, and Endray-Island continue to compete for the elusive third position.

Final score:
Bedistan 3 (Morlock 24, 34, 84)
Antaeus Rising 2 (41, 70)

[code:1:522904f8f8]Group 3 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E/Q
Bedistan (3) 13 9 2 2 20 12 8 29 Q
Halfassedstates (13) 13 8 3 2 21 12 9 27 Q
Antaeus Rising (26) 13 7 1 5 24 17 7 22
Nikea (44) 13 6 4 3 24 18 6 22
Endray-Island (54) 13 6 2 5 20 17 3 20
Tranquillitus 13 4 0 9 13 21 -8 12 E
Zinkoland (87) 13 2 2 9 12 21 -9 8 E
Kramerica 13 2 2 9 11 27 -16 8 E[/code:1:522904f8f8]

Matchday 14 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2052461#2052461) and final qualifying tables are posted, now that the forums are back. Because of the forum problems, there will be a one-day delay to allow for RPing before the World Cup commences.

Groups for the qualifiers (8 of 4 teams) will be posted tomorrow, along with the schedule. The first round of matches will be posted as qualifiers were, one match per day, not telegrammed. This will help counter the delay and speed up this Cup a bit (making up some of the ground lost because of the additional 4 qualifying matches). Beginning with the round of 16, matches will be telegrammed one day before results are posted, as usual.

This post authored by TANAH BURUNG

DAILY CROCODILE

The blimp carrying Tanah Burung’s football team descended directly onto the pitch in Sten, where a sold-out crowd awaited the Crocodiles-Hooligans rematch. “We’re riding a wave that carried us into second, while Snub Nose 20 is sputtering through a long run of draws,” Bi Kikere said. “So we hope to carry that run forward and grab the inside track on a qualification spot today.”

Polite applause from the Snub Nosed fans soon gave way to shouts of “no later date, no later date, eviscerate with no further wait!” while a few Tanah Burung fans began shouting back “eliminate, eliminate, just you wait, the Crocs are great!”

The first half saw some superb play between two sides that clearly respect each other’s talents. Two beautiful chances for the Hooligans were foiled by nimble goal tending by Nino Konis, the rookie who is turning into the best Crocs keeper in years. “He reminds me of a young me,” Bi Kikere said.

Half-time. The dreaded performance by the Hooligan Cheerleaders loomed. Before the Cheerleaders got into formation, a gaggle of nude Tanah Burung fans rushed on to the pitch, and begin their own chant:

Snub Nose, Snub Nose, whatcha gonna do?
Draw draw draw, boo hoo hoo,
Heading for a fall, your run will soon be through,
Snub Nose, Snub Nose, curtains time for you!

As the chant went on, the streaking counter-cheerleaders began to experience a gentle rain of rotten vegetables, that soon grew to a torrential downpour. They tried to hold their ground, but the vegetables were too many, and too rotten. As Snub Nose security came out, they were grateful to be dragged from the field. One pleasant outcome for the Hooligan cheerleaders: no rotten vegetables were left as they began their own performance.

The first goal came midway through the second half, as Alex Manupatty’s long pass forward found Taur Matan Ruak, who chipped it over a diving Pancake. Hooligans defenders claimed Syahrir was offside, but the referee stuck to his call. 1-0 Crocodiles.

Rather than complaining, the Hooligans retorted with a series of beautiful plays, getting four more shots. The last of those, by Knuckles, finally beat Konis and equalized the match at one apiece. “A magnificent effort by Snub Nose 20,” said Bi Kikere. “They really made it close. But I guess i’ll be keeping this cigar.”

Final score:
Snub nose 38 1 Tanah Burung 1
(Ruak 68, Knuckles 89)

Liverpool England secure best Qualifying Record, win last match while Group 8 is decided on Goal Difference

<---In mIRC now, will edit later. RP to come.--->

(OOC: Assuming your keeper is Mitchell in this one, Bedi. If he's not playing, just make a note of it and I'll change the name in my report. Same as the goal scorer, just using a name that seems to score the most for you.)

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Panda Magic Comes Through
Nikea Clinch Qualifying Spot with Draw
by Markenin Markenel

BEDISTAN(NP) - Nikea finally made it to Bedistan, although it was four years later than they would have liked. The Pandas were determined to make the most of their efforts to qualify for Europa Brittania and Ravenspire in the final match in the qualifying round: a tough away match in Bedistan.

Being a night game and being that the game was in Bedistan, the other two results from matches important to the qualifying fixtures were already in before kick off. Panda manager Jaskelainen Tenerethitel barred his players from watching the matches on television, and from any device that may have notified any of his players from hearing the results.

"I wanted them to play with the mindset that they needed a win to move on," Tenerethitel said in a rare appearance at the post-match press conference. "If they had known that a draw was sufficient, I am sure that they would have leveled off a bit. It happened under the last manager, and I didn't want to repeat his mistake."

Indeed, with Anateus Rising losing 2-0 in Halfassedstates, and Endray-Island's draw with Tranquillitis, Nikea only needed a point to move on. Endray-Island's draw eliminated them, so a point or even a 1 goal loss may have been enough to push them through.

The match started off in a very entertaining fashion. The home side pressed, but the Nikean midfield collapsing strategy worked even better than it had back in Nikea on matchday 7. Bedistan was unable to get any kind of momentum going, and the few shots they had were either well off target, or easily saved by Panda keeper Jeserin Renteritel. On the other hand, with Nikea playing such fabulous defence, Jerin Istertel and Kerinen Irisiuene were relative spectators for most of the first half.

After around the 25th minute, the Pandas began to make something of the many Bedistan turnovers, allowing them to create some quality chances. Turinnen Mortethel had a blast from just outside the box in the 30th minute, which just barely sailed over the bar. Kalainen Mersentel's shot from 10 yards out was brilliantly kept out by the Bedistan keeper Chuck Mitchell.

The seemingly most harmless chance was the one that saw the opening goal of the match. Akitomo Sakai had a run down the side, but he was brilliantly kept on the line by the Lions defender, and Sakai attempted to force a cross. The Bedistani defender deflected the ball near the middle of the net, but Keresin Keresiuene made a quick burst past his marker to direct the ball on net. Mitchell was surprised by the shot, and he was left handcuffed, giving Nikea a 1-0 lead. The Pandas continued to make the most of the turnovers, although no rewards came out of them, and the two sides went into the half with Nikea up 1-0.

The second half began with more Nikean pressure, but Bedistan seemed to have caught on to the Nikean attack plan, and had an easier time of getting rid of the ball.

The play continued mostly in the middle of the field until the 79th minute, when Bedistan forward Darren Morlock managed to get past Mersentel in the back and put a very nice shot past Renteritel. Nikea looked absolutely dejected, as they thought their World Cup chances had just gone up in smoke.

The Pandas kept their heads up for the remainder of the match, earning a 1-1 draw. When the announcement came over the stadium loudspeaker that both of these sides could be seen again in the World Cup, the Nikean players were very surprised, and looked a much happier bunch heading off the pitch.

Check tomorrow's edition of the Hikari for a preview of Nikea's World Cup group.

[code:1:d315ff211a]
Bedistan 1 (Morlock 79)
v.
Nikea 1 (Keresiuene 33)
[/code:1:d315ff211a]

----------------------------------------

Match Schedule

Nikea v. Tranquillitis W 2-0
Nikea v. #54 Endray-Island W 2-1
#87 Zinkoland v. Nikea W 2-1
-Kramerica- v. Nikea D 1-1
#26 Anateus Rising v. Nikea D 2-2
Nikea v. #13 Halfassedstates L 0-2
Nikea v. #3 Bedistan D 2-2
Tranquillitis v. Nikea W 1-0
#54 Endray-Island v. Nikea L 1-2
Nikea v. #87 Zinkoland W 4-2
Nikea v. -Kramerica- W 3-0
Nikea v. #26 Anateus Rising L 2-3
#13 Halfassedstates v. Nikea D 2-2
#3 Bedistan v. Nikea D 1-1

Bulldogs Return to Maxisoft Stadium, Shock Errinundera
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - Even with a team mostly filled with backups (Quigley, Decker, Deppiesse, and Vojtilo all insisted on playing the match), the Bulldogs were able to defeate Errinundera today. The win left CallMeBernard as the only team that Commerce Heights has played twice without winning or drawing. Michael McCormick scored the only goal of the game late in the first half, and Errinundera was unable to counter.
(23) Commerce Heights 1 (M. McCormick 37)
(15) Errinundera 0 - FT
With the qualifiers completed, the Group 2 table hasn't changed as far as the qualifying teams are concerned, but some shifts did occur in the bottom of the group:
[code:1:6e72204d0b]Group 2 P W D L F A GD Pts
Haraki (2) 14 8 4 2 30 19 +11 28
Commerce Heights (23) 14 9 1 4 26 19 +7 28
Errinundera (15) 14 6 4 4 19 13 +6 22
Eauz (52) 14 6 3 5 19 19 0 21
Akbarland (37) 14 6 1 7 19 20 -1 19
NASTIC 2 14 3 5 5 18 25 -7 14
SterlingIce 14 4 1 9 14 20 -6 13
CallMeBernard 14 3 3 8 14 24 -10 12[/code:1:6e72204d0b]
The following teams have managed to acheive a spot in the first round of the Cup:
[code:1:6e72204d0b](01) Liverpool England
(02) Haraki
(03) Bedistan
(04) *Europa Brittania
(06) Runaway Moose
(07) Oddslavo
(08) Busby
(09) *Ravenspire
(10) Oglethorpia
(11) Giant Zucchini
(12) Lemmitania
(13) The Belmore Family
(13) Halfassedstates
(15) Errinundera
(16) Svecia
(17) Gilmeecia
(18) Audioslavia
(19) Ariddia
(20) Gesamtkuntswerk
Snub Nose 38
(22) Dennisov
(23) Commerce Heights
(24) †Spaam
(25) Squornshelous
(28) Kingsford
(33) Dark Outcasts
(36) ‡Aquilla
(39) Tanah Burung
(44) Nikea
(49) Total n Utter Insanity
(59) Kaze Progressa
(69) West Ariddia
*host nation
†Spaam became eligible for the Cup after East Spaam withdrew.
‡shouldn't have qualified[/code:1:6e72204d0b]
Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 1: vs NASTIC 2 – T 2-2
Day 2: vs SterlingIce – W 1-0
Day 3: at #52 Eauz – W 2-1
Day 4: vs CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 5: vs #37 Akbarland – W 1-0
Day 6: at #2 Haraki – L 2-3
Day 7: at #15 Errinundera – L 1-2
Day 8: at NASTIC 2 – W 2-1
Day 9: at SterlingIce – W 2-1
Day 10: vs #52 Eauz – W 4-3
Day 11: at CallMeBernard – L 1-2
Day 12: at #37 Akbarland – W 2-0
Day 13: vs #2 Haraki – W 4-2
Day 14: vs #15 Errinundera – W 1-0
Statistics - Team
[code:1:6e72204d0b] Overall WC7 WC8 WC9
Games Played 37 10 13 14
Wins 18 3 6 9
Draws 8 3 4 1
Losses 11 4 3 4
Avg. Opp. Rank 75.7 62.6 81.7 79.4
Highest Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Highest Def. Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Avg. Offense 1.6 1.5 1.5 1.9 gpg
Avg. Defense 1.4 1.8 1.2 1.4 gpg
Goal Differential +9 -3 +5 +7
Rank 100 54 23[/code:1:6e72204d0b]
Statistics - Individual
[code:1:6e72204d0b]Team Scoring Leaders – WC9
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley 14 6 0.43
J. Cahalane 13 5 0.38
C. Deppiesse 14 5 0.36
K. Decker 14 4 0.29
M. McCormick^ 4 1 0.25
F. Wallace 13 2 0.15
E. Burns 13 2 0.15
M. Paritmongkol 13 1 0.08

^ backup

Goaltending Leaders – WC9
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo 11 12 1.09
A. Yago 4 7 1.75

Team Scoring Leaders – Overall
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley*** 37 18 0.49
C. Deppiesse..* 14 5 0.36
K. Decker*** 37 11 0.30
M. McCormick.^^ 7 2 0.29
J. Cahalane*** 36 10 0.28
C. Romanowski**. 23 5 0.22
F. Wallace^^* 17 3 0.18
D. Kakuta**. 23 3 0.13
M. Paritmongkol*** 36 2 0.06
E. Burns*** 36 2 0.06

Goaltending Leaders – Overall
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo*** 30 40 1.33†
A. Yago.^^ 9 12 1.33†
†Vojtilo and Yago are tied at exactly 1.333... goals allowed per game.

..*/..^ starter/backup in WC9
.*./.^. starter/backup in WC8
*../^.. starter/backup in WC7[/code:1:6e72204d0b]

OOC: Edit: Replaced East Spaam with Spaam in list of qualified teams.

*the office of the minister of super secret sleuthery. the minister is on the phone*

- Don't give me that! Just tell me...
- **********
- Have you heard from them since they went in?
- ***********
- But not since then?
- *********
- When's the next time they're supposed to check in?
- ********
- Okay, then. We know they made it into Tanah Burung. We know they’re in Burung Paradis City. We know they've been there for 12 hours. We know the mission time table called for 18 hours from insertion to extraction. 6 hours and we should know.
- ************
- No, you call me instantly, whether they get him out or not.
- ********************
- Yes, we’re working all the angles. But I’ve got my money on our guys.

---------------------------------------------------------

To: The Acting Third Under-Secretary of the Fourth Political Division of the Peoples Representative Office for Foreign Affairs and Human Rights,
Ukun Rasikan City, Tanah Burung
From: Ministry of Justice and Real Estate, Borderlands of Snub Nose 38
Subject: Your Recent Inquiry Regarding What May Be One of Our Machines

Honorable Under-Secretary:

We understand you have in your custody a man who was carrying a device that may to be of Snub Nose 38 manufacture. You have asked our advice vis-à-vis both the object and the individual. Would we be incorrect to postulate that this is the self-same individual who was seen at a recent Evisceratomato Football match, operating an altered Electro Magnetic Personal Aura Modifier (Empam), resulting in the untimely ripening and splattering of sentient beings?

If this is in fact the case, we humbly request the little thief – er, alleged little thief be extradited to The Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 for prosecution on charges of theft, misappropriation of government property, malicious mischief, malfeasance, unlawful death, and loitering. We had intended to charge him with man-slaughter as well, but our Chief Prosecutors’ Secretarys’ niece pointed out that the victims were not human, and therefore man-slaughter charges would not stick. We don’t current have a law on the books making it illegal to kill a tomato of any kind, although a bill has been drafted that would extend the definition of man-slaughter to include sentient vegetation of all kinds.

Rest assured that the little rat – um, the suspected perpetrator – will be dealt with severely when – make that “if” – found guilty. We have been very embarrassed here in Snub Nose 38 by the use of our Empam in commission of a violent crime.

In anticipation of a positive response,

Virginia Hamm
Vice Assistant Subsidiary Alternate Justice

The Columbia Times - Early Edition

Lions Close Qualifying with Second Nikean Draw

COLUMBIA, FD -- Going into the fourteenth and final match of World Cup 9 qualifying, the Bedistan Lions already knew they were in. As such, coach Gene Barber decided to let some of the team's lesser known players have a shot at playing.

Here are the players that took to the pitch tonight -- an asterisk (*) indicates a normal team starter:

Defense:
Mike Thomas* (captain)
Karina Kucharski
Darren Segawa
Tyrone Hockensmith

Midfielders:
Claire Briscoe*
Timothy Bergen
Walter Marley
Pearlie Tenner

Forwards:
Darren Morlock*
Nannie Coder
Jeanie Fiorita

Goalkeeper:
Chuck Mitchell

To make a long story short, Keresin Keresiuene scored the first goal late in the second half, and Darren Morlock later equalized with his tenth goal of the qualifiers.

"The Nikeans were obviously playing to win," commented Thomas afterward. "While a draw was of course enough for them to move on, I don't think they knew that at the time. They did a great job out there."

Tomorrow's edition of the Times will provide additional match information, as well as a preview of what Bedistan can expect in the Cup proper.

Final score:
Bedistan 1 (Morlock 79)
Nikea 1 (Keresiuene 33)

East Spaam Pull Out

Due to apparent financial difficulties, and despite winning their last
match and finishing top of their group, the officials of East Spaam have
announced that they are pulling out of the World Cup. Players are
understandably distressed at this news, but not totally suprised.

One thing that would come from this though, is that the other United
Spaam team, Spaam, would thus qualify. As a gesture of thanks,
Spaam football officials are planning a funding project for East Spaam
football starting after the World Cup.

This is Donni Darco, for East Spaam Nyooz.

Rankings after Qualifying, including East Spaam's withdrawal

[code:1:ba15cb8b55]
Top 30 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Liverpool England (1) 14 11 1 2 28 10 18 34
Gilmeecia (17) 14 11 0 3 25 13 12 33
Runaway Moose (6) 14 10 2 2 30 15 15 32
The Belmore Family (13) 14 9 3 2 24 11 13 30
Halfassedstates (13) 14 9 3 2 23 12 11 30
Bedistan (3) 14 9 3 2 21 13 8 30
Kaze Progressa (59) 14 9 2 3 21 13 8 29
Giant Zucchini (11) 14 8 4 2 22 10 12 28
Haraki (2) 14 8 4 2 30 19 11 28
Busby (8) 14 8 4 2 27 16 11 28
Lemmitania (12) 14 8 4 2 26 15 11 28
Dennisov (22) 14 9 1 4 19 8 11 28
Commerce Heights (23) 14 9 1 4 26 19 7 28
Oglethorpia (10) 14 8 3 3 33 20 13 27
Gesamtkuntswerk (20) 14 8 3 3 27 14 13 27
Tanah Burung (39) 14 8 3 3 20 13 7 27
Oddslavo (7) 14 7 5 2 23 12 11 26
Total n Utter Insanity (49) 14 8 2 4 21 11 11 26
Kingsford (28) 14 8 2 4 24 15 9 26
Squornshelous (25) 14 7 4 3 29 15 14 25
Ariddia (19) 14 7 4 3 17 9 8 25
Audioslavia (18) 14 7 3 4 17 10 7 24
Snub Nose 38 (20) 14 6 6 2 21 15 6 24
Svecia (16) 14 7 3 4 17 11 6 24
Aquilla (36) 14 6 5 3 20 12 8 23
Nikea (44) 14 6 5 3 25 19 6 23
West Arridia (69) 14 7 2 5 22 20 2 23
Dark Outcasts (33) 14 6 5 3 16 14 2 23
Errinundera (15) 14 6 4 4 19 13 6 22
Spaam (24) 14 6 5 3 16 13 3 23 [placed at bottom after auto-matic qualification due to withdrawal of East Spaam]

Hosts
Europa Brittania (4)
Ravenspire (9)

New Rankings P W D L GF GA GD Pts
33. One Red Dot (29) 14 8 4 2 22 13 9 28
34. East Spaam (74) 14 9 1 4 18 15 3 28
35. Warnocks Wizards (77) 14 7 3 4 18 15 3 24
36. Hell Bovines (65) 14 7 3 4 18 17 1 24
37. Bullonien (26) 14 6 2 6 21 13 8 23
38. Rejistania 14 7 2 5 15 17 -2 23
39. The Redavic Union 14 7 2 5 16 20 -4 23
40. Antaeus Rising (26) 14 7 1 6 24 19 5 22
41. Timway (5) 14 5 6 3 25 18 7 21
42. Endray-Island (54) 14 6 3 5 21 18 3 21
43. The Lowland Clans (30) 14 6 3 5 16 15 1 21
44. Eauz (52) 14 6 3 5 19 19 0 21
45. Boa Vista 14 6 3 5 15 15 0 21
46. Pure Evil (35) 14 6 3 5 19 20 -1 21
47. LordSquall (53) 14 6 2 6 20 17 3 20
48. Keyshona (47) 14 5 4 5 17 15 2 19
49. Quohog (43) 14 5 4 5 15 13 2 19
50. The Weegies (45) 14 5 4 5 16 16 0 19
51. Akbarland (37) 14 6 1 7 19 20 -1 19
52. 1900s Oglethorpia (56) 14 5 3 6 21 21 0 18
53. Terranos 14 5 3 6 16 19 -3 18
53. Lanky Dude 14 5 3 6 16 19 -3 18
55. Defari (70) 14 4 4 6 13 16 -3 16
56. Auir II 14 5 1 8 13 18 -5 16
57. The Dragonian Empire (55) 14 5 1 8 16 23 -7 16
58. Morawny 14 5 1 8 12 20 -8 16
59. Demonic Beings (31) 14 5 0 9 18 19 -1 15
60. NASTIC 2 14 3 5 6 18 25 -7 14
61. SterlingIce 14 4 1 9 14 20 -6 13
62. Tranquillitus 14 4 1 9 14 22 -8 13
63. Sensual Products 14 3 3 8 12 19 -7 12
64. CallMeBernard 14 3 3 8 14 24 -10 12
65. Offshore 14 4 0 10 14 25 -11 12
66. Belmorian Scandinavia 14 3 3 8 12 25 -13 12
67. Zinkoland (87) 14 3 2 9 14 22 -8 11
68. God Squad (42) 14 3 2 9 14 24 -10 11
69. Anti-Nazis (89) 14 1 8 5 3 13 -10 11
70. Soviet Haaregrad 14 3 2 9 8 19 -11 11
71. Consumer Engineering (90) 14 2 3 9 13 22 -9 9
72. Freedom Country 14 3 0 11 12 27 -15 9
73. Zeronia (79) 14 2 2 10 11 21 -10 8
74. Evisceratomatoes 14 2 2 10 9 24 -15 8
75. Kramerica 14 2 2 10 12 29 -17 8
76. Kegarna 14 2 2 10 11 28 -17 8
77. Hokianga 14 2 1 11 12 26 -14 7
77. Wildthings Realm 14 1 4 9 12 26 -14 7
79. Jezland 14 1 3 10 12 27 -15 6
80. Clearwater 14 1 2 11 9 28 -19 5
81. Kravoli 14 1 2 11 9 29 -20 5
82. One Blue Dot 14 1 1 12 9 30 -21 4
[/code:1:ba15cb8b55]

*we are in a pub. it's pretty lively in here, and the various potables are flowing freely. there's someone dancing on the bar, and several on the pool table. sitting on a bar stool leaning on one elbow and bending the other to bring his "38 special" to his lips is the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages. on the bar stool next to him is margaret, with what appears to be a bloody mary in her right hand. in her left hand is a little leather bag with two eagle feathers tied to it by a silver string. The neck of her much-used rubber chicken has been slipped under her belt. margaret is slumped against the bar, with a weak little smile on her face.*

- So we won't have to go, then?
- Nope. We won't have to go. As soon as we get back to the office, we can unpack those suitcases standing by the door.
- Why, again?
- Because they made it!
- Who made what?
- You have a very short attention span, don't you?
- Always have. So, who did what that we don't hafta leave?
- The Hooligans, loon.
- What's a Hooligans' Loon? And what did it do?
- I am about to smack you. The Hooligans, you loon!
- But when they drew their match with the Tanah Burung Crocodiles, you started crying and said we didn't have a chance? What...
- Well, it turns out we did have a chance. Damn slim one, but...
- But...?
- But they came through, bub. They won their match with Demonic Beings, and wound up tied on points with Hell Bovines and Warnocks Wizards for third - and won by goal differential. Just three little goals!
- So, they won, then. What next?
- We go out and buy the best flippin' chickens we can find!
- Can I finish my beer first?
- Sure...in fact, let me buy you another.

*we finish our white wine spritzer, and decide not to have another. leaving a nice little tip for the waitress (she was cute!), we put on our jacket and take our leave*

Scuttlebutt - Evening Edition

News Media Strike Threatened!
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Remington Grey

Contract negotiations between the three Media Moguls who own and operate all the news media (radio, television and print) here in Snub Nose 38 and the Union representing the reporters of all medias (Borderlands United Reporters Partnership (BURP)) seem to have reached an impass. At issue is one important point. The Union and the Owners each indicated today they have gone as far as they intend to. Each are blaming the impass on the other. The issue is wages, of course. Reporters are insisting on a 4.5% pay increase in each of the next three years, while the owners are offering only 1.5%.

The Union has issued notice to the Owners demanding the issue be resolved in favor of the union, and of their intent to go out on strike in 72 hours if the issue is not resolved by then.

OOC: Hafta go on a 3 day business trip this Weds, Thurs & Fri - no pcs available.

To: The Acting Third Under-Secretary of the Fourth Political Division of the Peoples Representative Office for Foreign Affairs and Human Rights,
Ukun Rasikan City, Tanah Burung
From: Ministry of Justice and Real Estate, Borderlands of Snub Nose 38
Subject: Your Recent Inquiry Regarding What May Be One of Our Machines

Honorable Under-Secretary:

We understand you have in your custody a man who was carrying a device that may to be of Snub Nose 38 manufacture. You have asked our advice vis-à-vis both the object and the individual. Would we be incorrect to postulate that this is the self-same individual who was seen at a recent Evisceratomato Football match, operating an altered Electro Magnetic Personal Aura Modifier (Empam), resulting in the untimely ripening and splattering of sentient beings?

If this is in fact the case, we humbly request the little thief – er, alleged little thief be extradited to The Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 for prosecution on charges of theft, misappropriation of government property, malicious mischief, malfeasance, unlawful death, and loitering. We had intended to charge him with man-slaughter as well, but our Chief Prosecutors’ Secretarys’ niece pointed out that the victims were not human, and therefore man-slaughter charges would not stick. We don’t current have a law on the books making it illegal to kill a tomato of any kind, although a bill has been drafted that would extend the definition of man-slaughter to include sentient vegetation of all kinds.

Rest assured that the little rat – um, the suspected perpetrator – will be dealt with severely when – make that “if” – found guilty. We have been very embarrassed here in Snub Nose 38 by the use of our Empam in commission of a violent crime.

In anticipation of a positive response,

Virginia Hamm
Vice Assistant Subsidiary Alternate Justice

Dear Alternate Justice Hamm,

Please, tell me you are a human being and not a sentient meat product. I shall address you as human, and apologize in advance if this is an error.

The Acting Third Under-Secretary is currently visiting the Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia and has asked me to reply in his absence.

We believe the individual in question is the same one seen on videotape at a recent Tanah Burung-Evisceratomatoes football match. And certainly, we wish to cooperate. However, we are unable to extradite the individual in question until we can confirm that he is a citizen of your country: it would be a violation of human rights law. We would be pleased to begin negotiations on a treaty of extradition at your convenience. Shall we say May of next year? The bluebells are lovely then, and i think you might go well with a nice zinfandel.

In conclusion, let me thank you for your beautifully typed letter, and congratulate you on your country's qualification for the World Cup.

Bi Bi Kew
Head chef, Foreign affairs cafeteria

Svecia had the least stellar qualifying performance in the team's World Cup history, but a 1-0 victory over Quohog on Saturday assured a second place finish and the Matchday 14 1-0 loss to the Lowland Clans meant nothing to the Lightning who decided to play the bench for the entire game in order to rest the starters for World Cup group play. Svecia looks to improve their play for the group stage and a nation eagerly awaits the results.

*runs around in an insanely happy circle* Wooooooooooooooooo!

http://www.abelmore.com/TDB.JPG
BELMORE QUALIFY-NOW 12 GAMES WITHOUT A LOSS

The Belmore Family Qualified dramtically last night without Alan Belmore scoring. It was Laurence Wellden who came up with goals. The first goal however came from a penelty for Kergarna. A sloppy piece of defending left TBF 1-0 down in a must-win match. We then had to wait until the 52nd minute to draw equal. WE knew that wasn't enough. It got to 91 minute. Only 2 more minutes of open play, The ball was taken down the wing by Marty Belmore, the cross flew into Laurence who controlled it with his chest and then blasted it with his right foot into the goal. It was 2-1 the crowd went wild. TBF had qualified almost definatly for their 4th World Cup. it finalised when Marty Belmore scored from a short chip over the goalie after 93 minutes.

THE BELMORE FAMILY 3
Laurence Belmore (52, 90+1), Marty Belmore (90+3)

KERGARNA 1
Player 10 (23 pen)

We'll see you in Ravenspire or Europa Brittania.

All you Morawns out there,

Alas, it seems that the dark forces of some as-yet-undiscovered diabolical conspiracy have reached out to prevent our team's entrance into the World Cup competition. The loss of so much potential licensing revenue is truly a tragedy, and you may rest assured that we will vigorously pursue those responsible.

However, not all is lost, my brethren... eh? No, I'm pretty sure "sistren" isn't a word... Yes. Do shut up now. Thank you.

As I was saying, not all is lost. Our Morawns achieved six mighty victories, improving their rankings by the corrupt and biased worldwide system to... well, it's way higher than most of you can count. In the fifties, for those of you that means anything to. In the course of doing so, they scored 12 goals.

I meant against the opponents. The ones they scored against themselves don't really count. Lord, I'm surrounded by Morawns.

But I digress. We also allowed only 20 goals. Since at least a quarter of those were by our own players, we're in good position to achieve greater things in the next competition, provided we can train our players sufficiently. We have high hopes that the usual behavior modification therapy, involving electric shocks, will suffice, but we are also investigating the system developed by Gilmeecia, involving rocks.

No, not the music.

Look ye well upon Gilmeecia, Morawns. Here is a nation whose players are arguably as cretinous as our own, yet in the space of a few short Cups, they have become a leading force. We must emulate their example. I look forward to the day when, as with politics today, at least 90% of the best-known players are Morawns.

~Chief Morawn, Archpope Bob

From the KaMaRi Update (13th matchday)
Qualification in reach
In an exiting match, the Orange-Blues defeated The Anti-Nazis, whose kana milhan nilte xkora'ta* was broken after the first match. SyLy had several beautiful chances, but in the end, it was Laxtu Takil, who scored. SyLy said about this game: "The AN defense was real good, they gave me no chance at all to score. Thank Inikres, Takil'he surpised them!"
Rejistania is now located at the 3rd spot in the group table and one win would finally secure quailfication.

Rejistania 1 (Laxtu Takil, 57)
Anti-Nazis 0

Orange-Blue scorers:
Lyku: 6
Su: 3
Susu: 2
Takil: 1
Syku: 1
I Ailn: 1

* Scoreless draw curse (look at first game against them for more information)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

From the KaMaRi Update (14th matchday)
Rejistania missed qualification!
Rejistania lacked one victory to qualify and - they lost. The game ended 2-1 for already-eliminated Defari. Coach Imdila said about this: "They really played a good game, but there were also serious errors in our defense, especially in the second half." One of these errors by substitute Iles led to the lead of Defari. Iles said much about this error, but nothing could be quoted, since it is possible, that children read this newspaper. The first goal was scored by SyLy in the 15th minute, who by this scored his 7th goal in the match. The equalizer was archieved by <player> after the referee did not see a clear offside position of him. Now not the Rejistanha'ny, but the team, which can not be pronounced will play in the WC.
Economist Len Xeldo had very special opinion about the loss: "It is the best thing, that could happen to our country! You ever realized, how many people simulated to be ill, became ill or hurted themselfes so they don't have to work and watch the matches? Did you ever think about how much paid time was spend by celebrating WC wins?" Of course, the fans did not share his opinion. They swore: In the next WC, we'll be back again, and we'll qualify!

Defari 2 (<Player> 50th, <Player> 65th)
Rejistania 1 (Lyku 15th).

Orange-Blue scorers:
Lyku: 7
Su: 3
Susu: 2
Takil: 1
Syku: 1
I Ailn: 1

After an eventful qualification the Dennisov team now faces the trouble of selecting the players who will go to the WorldCup.

The team which has used so many players to reach the hard fought qualification managed to qualify 2nd in the group.

In a response from the team they all praised goal tender Cheevers with his outstanding work. The defense of Dennisov once again the strongest part of the team helped them to reach a target many thought unreachable after the first few group matches.

"At least we are there, now we just have to see," Cheevers said.

"We have to aim high, we should try and qualify for the next round," Manager Mario Lemieux stated, "if you don't aim high you won't acchieve it either."

His team selection is expected any day now. But one thing is certain, Cheevers will be one of them.

*the scene is outside a football stadium, lots of people with rings around their eyes are leaving the home stand in a cheerful fashion*

hi im Jeremy Jaffacake outside of the Audioslavia staidum in Cornellby, having just witness THE most boring game in the world, Audioslavia 0 - 0 Aquilla. However, it means that the 'slaves have qualified for World Cup 9 \o/

[code:1:611a05141e]
Group 4 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
East Spaam (74) 13 8 1 4 16 14 2 25
Audioslavia (18) 13 7 3 3 17 9 8 24
Aquilla (36) 13 6 4 3 18 10 8 22
Timway (5) 13 5 5 3 23 16 7 20
Spaam (24) 13 5 5 3 15 13 2 20
[/code:1:611a05141e]

The draw ends the 6-game winning streak and pulls the 'slaves down to second, but it puts us 4 points ahead of Spaam and Timway who are both joint-fourth. With Spaam at home to us next week and Timway facing 3rd-placed Aquilla. Aquilla Vs. Timway will be THE match of next week, with the winner taking the final qualifcation spot. Spaam can mathematically qualify, but they will need to better Timway's margin of victory by 6 clear goals to go through, so if Timway win 4-0, Spaam would need to put ten goals past the 'slaves without reply. East Spaam are also guaranteed a place in World Cup 9, and with an easy last game, look as if they will top the group as well.

This has been Jeremy Jaffacake for Channel One news, g'nite bitches

----------------------------------

Spaam: Canned!
Spaam and East Spaam in danger of being disqualified

Spaam came out of their 1-0 win over the 'slaves last night dissapointed that they didnt quite get the six-goal win they needed to qualify. However, none of the fans could forsee the rollercoaster ride their hearts would take in the next 24 hours.

First the news: East Spaam are pulling out due to lack of funding, meaning the 'slaves top the group, Aquilla come second and the Spaamages get 3rd spot by virtue of being lucky rastards. At least so it seemed.

The NSWC stepped in at 8:20am this morning, after bitching sessions by the Football Associations of Liverpool England and Ravenspire called its attention. An ultimatum decreed that either Spaam could take East Spaam's place, but East Spaam could never enter the competition again, or both Spaam teams could pull-out. 13 minutes later the world's media gathered as Spaam announced that both sides, Spaam and East-Spaam, would pull out. With this news, the final standings of the now 6-team group looks like this:

[code:1:611a05141e]Group 4 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Audioslavia (18) 14 7 3 4 17 10 7 24
Aquilla (36) 14 6 5 3 20 12 8 23
Timway (5) 14 5 6 3 25 18 7 21
Lanky Dude 14 5 3 6 16 19 -3 18
Sensual Products 14 3 3 8 12 19 -7 12
Clearwater 14 1 2 11 9 28 -19 5 [/code:1:611a05141e]

Timway, who finished down in 5th place, look like qualifying on just 21 points. They had better find their form if they hope to compete in World Cup 9.

This has been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bizatchbombers

To: B. B. Kew, Head chef, Foreign affairs cafeteria, Ukun Rasikan City, Tanah Burung
From: Ministry of Justice and Real Estate, Borderlands of Snub Nose 38
Subject: Your Recent Response to Our Earlier Letter Responding to Your Inquiry Regarding What May Be One of Our Machines and/or Citizens

Dear Bi Bi:

Are you any relation to Ms Bibi Neworth, the talented actress, who played the roll of Doctor Lilith Crane on "Cheers" and "Frazier"?

In response to your question concerning Ms. Virginia Hamm, we assure you she is human (or so we have been told. I tell you, sometimes when she's in one of her moods, one wonders. But, I digress). She insists she is well qualified for this case, as she is (at least, according to her - who knows, really?) the aunt of a second cousin by marriage of someone supposedly rather famous in the football world, by the name of "Mia" something or other. (Sure...and my grand-daddys' brothers' wifes sister was married to Joe DiMaggios' sister).

Assistant Subsidiary Alternate Justice Hamm, by the way, was unable to personnaly respond to your letter. She was tasked to ensure all necessary passports, visas, and any other required legal documents are in order for the members of the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans, and their management and administrative staff, to travel to Europa Britania and/or Ravenspire to participate in World Cup 9 competition. On that subject, Congratulations to the Tanah Burung Crocodiles on qualifying for the tournament as well.

We believe the little cretin...um, individual you have in your custody to be a Citizen of the Bordlerlands of Snub Nose 38. In the news photos, and the security tape made during the Tanah Burung - Eviseratomato match, he looks like one Woodrow Ulysses Batholomew Lief, an itinerent peddler, missing for the past several weeks. We have fingerprints of Wood U. B. Lief on file in the Ministry. We are enclosing a set of prints, and would appreciate it if you could compare them to prints of the individual you have in custody. If they match, then we believe the little...gentleman is one of our citizens, and would ask that the extradition proceedings...um...well, proceed.

May of next year may be out of the question - we have a ping-pong tournament in May, and the Minister of Justice and Real Estate always participates. Then in June he must open the annual session of the Supreme Court and Property Assesment Bureau. July is out - he'll be on vacation. Could we suggest August for initial meetings to decide on the location and date of a meeting to set the schedule for discussions of an extradition treaty?

Hoping for Speedy Resolution,

Marvin Gardens,
Assistant Night Manager, Maintenance and Sanitary Engineering Team
Ministry of Justice and Real Estate

*we're in a forest somewhere in snub nose 38. it's a mostly pine forest, and we are actually in a little clearing. a small brook runs quietly south over it's rock bed along the east edge of the clearing. there's a wood pecker somewhere in the woods on the other side of the brook (we can't see it, but there's no mistaking that sound). we hear a muted medley of birdsong, muffled, we think, by the forest itself. in the northwest corner of the clearing two squirrels are arguing over property rights. and near the southern edge of the clearing an old blanket is spread on the ground, a picnic basket in the middle, a variety of food and two now-empty wine glasses surrounding it. on the east edge of the blanket sits eileen dover, a daisy in her hand and a ham sandwich on her lap. on the west edge ben dover is lying on his back with his hat pulled over his eyes, quietly humming a little tune. we think it's the danube waltz, but can't quite be sure.*

- ...loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.
- He loves you, sweety. Doesn't matter what the flower says.
- Ah, but Benjamin, it's clearly up to the flower.
- Well, then, make sure you've got one with an odd number of petals.
- It's so nice here.
- Well, enjoy it. We've got today, and then the craziness starts again.
- Say, Ben...who's taking care of Sally, Ivan and Sal today?
- Justin said he'd take care of it.
- I still can't believe the Hooligans did it.
- Me, too. The way they were playing, there wasn't a chance. How they managed a 2 - 1 victory over Demonic Beings is beyond me.
- Two wonderful, exquisite, beautifully magnificent goals. Thank you, Malicious and thank you, Neanderthal.
- Yes they were fabulous goals - Mals' in the 56th minute, but particularly Neanderthals' in the 93rd minute. If that match had ended in a draw, you and I would...
- ...N't be here, that's for sure. But, here we are.
- And so, on we go. Tomorrow we open training camp for the World Cup 9 Tournament proper. And we don't have much time to shake 'em up somehow. 'Cause if they go on to World Cup Group Play the way they ended the Qualifiers - it'll be a short trip to Ravenspire and Europa Britania.

*ben sits up, fills eileens' wine glass and his own *

- Here's to a long trip!

*as they toast to a long stay at the World Cup 9 tournament, we turn and start walking through the woods back to where we left our car parked by the side of the road.*

A speech by Nate-Hurr E. Visser, Wisest of the Evisceratomatoes, following the 2-0 defeat at the hands of Warnocks Wizards.

My little rutabagas,

You battled bravely to a 2-2-10 record, including a sterling performance against the country that cannot be named. We were created to eviscerate that country, and certainly did did more than most to derail their qualification chances. Yet they are through. And you know what, my petit-peas? I am glad of it. For they were not the devils we were taught they were. They created mighty technological thingies that kept us safe from splattering. They were nice to us. Truly, people surprise you. Challenge received wisdom, my beans!

Friends, Potatoes, Countrymen, lend me your ears! Let us speak of what is happening to our vegetable race. Ever since we arrived here on the shores of FIFA, football and splattering the enemy have taken a back seat to our intertwining, our crossbreeding, our vegetable love. And i can now reveal to you, my little aubergines, the next transformation of the Evisceratomatoes. We were harmed in recent games by the fact that we are transcending our existence. Players simply vanished mid-game. We are shedding our accident-prone corporeal form, becoming beings of spirit without bodies. Yes, my wee radishes, our flesh is becoming spirit!

That cost us a game or two. Perhaps if Elvis Irate had not evaporated, he would not have let in those soft goals. But think about it, my darling pears. In the promised heaven that we now move to, leaving our bodies behind, we shall be re-united with those who have splattered their bodies against unsuspecting players from other teams. Eve Visser-Eight will be with us again!

Yes, my tiny tomatoes, we are become angels! No more football for us, although we shall watch over the fortunes of other footballing nations, still caught in their prison of flesh. Only our taste shall remain. Oh, my non-corporeal plums, what adventures to look forward to! What larks!

(in other words, Evisceratomatoes is not entering next Cup)

To: Marvin Gardens, Assistant Night Manager, Maintenance and Sanitary Engineering Team, Ministry of Justice and Real Estate, Snub Nose 38
Our file number: FAHR-03-SN-754627H4279

Dear Mr Gardens,

Ms Kue has asked me to respond to your letter, which we have assigned the file number of FAHR-03-SN-754627H168. Please quote this file number in all further correpsondence, as we would not wish the matter to be handled by the wrong official!

We have compared your fingerprints to the agent we have in custody, and we have a partial match. We believe the next step would be for one of your officials to come to Tanah Burung and pick the agent, who may or may not be a Snub Nosed citizen, out of a line-up. If this is verified as a correct identification, then you will have the option of applying for extradition under the Expedited Guidelines for Extra-special Acclerated Extradition, which will see the man handed over to you in approximately 6-8 years.

Alternatively, we can pursue the negotiation of an extradition treaty. You suggest next August would be convenient. In our case, all such negotiations must be handled personally by a sub-committee of the board of control of our ministry, plus acceptable reprsentatives of the other concerned ministries (justice and sports). We fear this will not be possible until at least October. However, many ministries are closed in October for the celebration of All Saints Day. We can promise to give urgent consideration to the meeting you have suggested after that time. We feel it may be premature to immediately begin discussion of a date and place for discussions, and suggest that the initial meeting merely be prelimary and exploratory talks on the possibility of establishing an agenda for talks on the date and location of our initial meeting.

All this may take some time. In the mean time, perhaps you might give some thought to accomodations for Mr. Lief (if that is indeed who he is, which has not yet been established to our satisfaction). We can offer you a nice house at $50, or perhaps you may wish to build a hotel for $200.

Yours cordially,
From: Baltic A. Venue, Consultant to the Concrete Manufacturing Cooperative, Foreign affairs building construction project

(Consolation) Victory on Mount Doom

Warnocks Wizards Fail to Advance in World Cup by a Nose

From our news services...

Matchday 14, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–Heading in to the final match of World Cup qualifying, Warnocks Wizards knew they would have to win their final match and have results go the right way in the other final group matches to advance. The Wizards upheld their part of the bargain, defeating the vegetable nation of the Evisceratomatoes 2-0 at Fortress Warnock, and were encouraged by the result in the Wildthings Realm where rivals Hell Bovines were defeated. However, the Wizards failed to advance by the narrowest of margins–goal differential–as neither of the other two results in the group went their way. Snub Nose 38's 2-1 victory over the Demonic Beings enabled that gun-totting nation to pip the Wizards to the post, by a nose.

Going in to the match against Evisceratomatoes, Manger Ufwurz the Furious faced a crisis of sorts with his lineup. A plethora of injuries, suffered both in the last match at Wildthings Realm and during some curious incidents on the canoe ride home, hampered the squad and forced Ufwurz to make some changes. Globtakh the Meek, Ufdush the Nasty, Bublok the Destroyer, Durbret the Choker, and Gabdul the Looter were all handed starting spots due to the situation. Uncapped youngster Shaghosh the Raider, the only fit substitute, was named for the first time to the bench. Gabdul, often utilised in an attacking midfield role in Ufwurz’s system, was given a rare opportunity to play up front with Ishklash the Snooty.

Despite all of the changes, the Red and White Wizards kicked off the match in their familiar 4-3-1-2. Bublok and Ghazghash the Sleazy began the game particularly well in the Wizards midfield and were capably handling all that the six-pack of midfield Tomatoes could throw at them. The visitors, however, nearly opened the scoring against the run of play on 13 minutes. Eve Isser-Kernigit’s well oozed shot was tipped around the post by the Meek Globtakh. Urk Seedykins’ unnecessary squashing of Durbret the Choker on 34 minutes set up the first goal of the match. After the referee booked the Seedy one, Ghazghash quickly took the ensuing free kick, releasing left back Ghaztrak the Gouger down the sideline. Ghaztrak gouged one in to the box that bounced in the air. Gabdul beat Tomato defender Urk Pulp to the ball and duly struck one past undead keeper Elvis “Lives!” Irate. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards, sending the home crowd barmy. The Wizards midfield and defense, thoroughly briefed by former vegetable consultant Guntur Ruak on the strengths of the Evisceratomatoes, closed up shop and did not sell any chances to the fruit and vegetable gang for the remainder of the half. Halftime: Warnocks Wizards 1, Evisceratomatoes 0.

Following a slightly over the top halftime performance by virtually every entertainer in the Empire which cleverly allowed the second half to kick off after every other Group 8 match had kicked off its second half, the Wizards relentlessly attacked the Tomatoes like an elusive fungus or mold that keeps appearing in one’s garden. Knowing that goal differential might become a factor, the Wizards threw everything they could at the Tomato vine. Were it not for Elvis, who most definitely had not left the building, the Wizards would have put several past the undead vegetable keeper. Buoyed by an announcement that the Hell Bovines were losing and that Snub Nose 38 were drawing, the home side finally broke through in the 68th minute. Ishklash’s shoot was well saved and the rebound was seemingly cleared by Scrood Ryver when Bublok intercepted and lofted in a ball for Ghazghash who slammed a volley past the King in net. The Wizards were 2-0 up and the crowd, aware of the scores elsewhere, were ecstatic and produced a roar of thunderous cheering that surely must have awoken the balrogs. However, that applause would shortly turn to despair when it was discovered that the Snub Nose 38 side had snubbed out the Demonic Beings and pipped the Wizards to the World Cup by a nose. Fulltime: Warnocks Wizards 2, Evisceratomatoes 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Meek, Ghaztrak the Gouger (Shaghosh the Raider 83), Akhburz the Straggler, Ghazukh the Burner (c), Ufdush the Nasty, Bublok the Destroyer, Bagdreg the Mauler, Durbret the Choker, Ghazghash the Sleazy, Gabdul the Looter, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Krumsnik the Paunch, Krumsnak the Sneaky, Globdreg the Destroyer, Ashmazh the Tough.

Additional:

After the match, Manager Ufwurz tearfully thanked his players, the fans, and the federation for giving their all and doing their best in attempting to qualify for the World Cup. While the nation came up painfully short of their ultimate goal, Ufwurz noted the side exceeded all his expectations and will prove a force in World Cup 10 qualifying. In closing, Ufwurz thanked all Group 8 opponents for their sportsmanship and for making the group entertaining. He wished the three sides who qualified for the Cup–Oglethorpia, Tanah Burung, and Snub Nose 38–all the best and remarked he will be rooting for them at Ravenspire/Europa Brittania and hopes they will fly the Group 8 flag high and finish 1, 2 , 3 at the competition.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Nastic Sports Review

The Nastic nation is celebrating the end of their first ever attempt at qualifing for a world cup final and although this attempt has ended in failure,We can take many positives from the campaign.Our first point,Not losing in our first three games,Our first win and getting a draw at the home of the second ranked team in this world cup.

We finished with 2 wins in our last three games and gained 14 points,Only 8 away from qualification and we are very proud of each one,We would like to thank the organizers of these games and we wish all the teams that qualified good luck and may the best team win.

See you all in world cup X

Tables Post-Matchday 14

Day 1
Commerce Heights 2-2 NASTIC 2


Day 2
NASTIC 2 2-2 Errinundera


Day 3
Haraki 1-1 NASTIC 2


Day 4
NASTIC 2 0-4 Akbarland


Day 5
SterlingIce 2-1 NASTIC 2


Day 6
Eauz 1-2 NASTIC 2


Day 7
NASTIC 2 3-3 CallMeBernard


Day 8
NASTIC 2 1-2 Commerce Heights


Day 9
Errinundera 1-0 NASTIC 2


Day 10
NASTIC 2 1-3 Haraki


Day 11
Akbarland 2-0 NASTIC 2


Day 12
NASTIC 2 2-1 SterlingIce


Day 13
NASTIC 2 1-1 Eauz


Day 14
CallMeBernard 0-2 NASTIC 2





[code:1:514a0e97a1]

GROUP 2
P W D L F A PTS
Haraki (2) 14 8 4 2 30 19 28
Commerce Heights (23) 14 9 1 4 26 19 28
Errinundera (15) 14 6 4 4 19 13 22
Eauz (52) 14 6 3 5 19 19 21
Akbarland (37) 14 6 1 7 19 20 19
NASTIC 2 14 3 5 6 18 25 14
SterlingIce 14 4 1 9 14 20 13
CallMeBernard 14 3 3 8 14 24 12

[/code:1:514a0e97a1]

From the Daily Kangaroo, matchday 13:

WE'VE DONE IT

Kaze Progressa have qualified for the World Cup with a game to spare after victory in Soviet Haaregrad and Liverpool England's defeat of One Red Dot left the latter unable to overtake the Progressans.

The victory was attained in dramatic style. With the visiting fans knowing that Liverpool England were cruising to a 4-1 victory over One Red Dot, and that a winner would hence assure their qualification, Faiwe Irafma produced a thunderous 25-yard shot in the fourth of five minutes of injury time to silence the home crowd.

The Soviets took the lead on 23 minutes when a corner led to a header that deflected off Fek Inhea on its way to the roof of the net. The Progressans responded almost immediately, Ekazen Waulino scoring from close range three minutes later again from a corner.

The introduction of Fayu Owa at half-time opened up the game, but the determined home defenders, with nothing but national pride to play for, achieved just that - until Irafma's late intervention.

The visiting fans were delirious, but even more so were the 10,000 in Kaza city centre's Sports Square. Sales of illegal alcohol rose an estimated 150% in Kaza, and by at least 200% in Quarua. Odds of 33-1 are already being offered against Progressan victory in the World Cup, with Liverpool England as 11-2 favourites.

(OOC: no time to RP ORD vs KP - will have to save myself for a WC9 preview when the groups are announced)

East Spaam Pull Out

Due to apparent financial difficulties, and despite winning their last
match and finishing top of their group, the officials of East Spaam have
announced that they are pulling out of the World Cup. Players are
understandably distressed at this news, but not totally suprised.

One thing that would come from this though, is that the other United
Spaam team, Spaam, would thus qualify. As a gesture of thanks,
Spaam football officials are planning a funding project for East Spaam
football starting after the World Cup.

This is Donni Darco, for East Spaam Nyooz.

OOC: What, you can seriously get away with this?

Using a puppet to get into qualifying, then replacing it with your main nation.

Great.

World Cup Watch
Post Qualifying

Ray McHale: Hey folks, still here in Ravenspire; all fourteen matchdays of World Cup IX qualifying have concluded, and we're here to cover matchdays 13 and 14 for you. Eduardo, start us off.

Eduardo Escobar: Oglethorpia won and loss to finish out qualifying.

Ray: That's right. A 2-3 victory over Demonic Beings, and a similar result, this time in favor of the Crocodiles of Tanah Burung over our own national team.

Eduardo: Luckily goal difference kept the Oglethorpians on top.

Ray: But as you and I well know, qualifying preformance doesn't always predict how we'll you'll do in the first round.

Eduardo: Oglethorpia's found that out a couple of times.

Ray: But we're wishing them the best of luck this time around.

Dennis Day: Hola, Ray -- Eduardo.

Ray: Uhm- how'd you get here?

Dennis: I bummed my way via cargo ship and hitch hiking.

Ray: Fantastic.

Dannis: It is.

Ray: Quick, cover the last five Oglethorpian goals in less than a minute.

Dennis: Right!

Torrence Black led the charge against Demonic Beings, scoring two of the three goals, Kirk Calhoun with the other. 3, 45, 67 respectively.

Kirk Calhoun would score both of Oglethorpia's goals against the Crocs, but they weren't enough to secure a win over the northern-neighbors of Oglethorpia.

Ray: Aye. But they're qualified, so we're happy.

Eduardo: We are.

Ray: And with that, we're off. Tune in next time for First Round previews, soon as all the groups are worked out. For Dennis Day and Eduardo Escobar, i'm Ray McHale -- g'night, folks.

Defending Champs Threaten to Pull Out Colonial Democracy Oddslavo if Spaam and East Spaam Boycott World Cup, LE Would Still Play On

The Defending Champions Liverpool England have threatened the WCC to pull out its' colony Oddslavo who finished Group 6 in second place if fellow-Heartlanders Spaam boycott WC9 should they be let in. "We are very certain. If the official response is Spaam pulling out, we'll create more of this havoc and pull Oddslavo out, that is our final decision." Similar comments are expected to be made by Gesamtkuntswerk and Dennisov, albeit not to the point of withdrawal.

The defending champions would still play on, although Oddslavo, ranked seventh in the world, could potentially lose their world ranking for a ranking of a new team to the World Cup.

The LEIFC spokesman also commented, "We know that Oddslavo would then lose its world ranking of seven and be rated as a new nation to the tournament."

OOC: Um...I'm not certain if it's really such a great idea for everybody and their brother to start pulling teams out of the Cup. Hypothetically, if my team were ranked 4th in a group instead of 2nd, I personally would hate to qualify because someone else decided to deliberately pull out over something like this. (Note: In WC5, Al Quds didn't deliberately pull out; they completely ceased to exist.)

IC: The Federal Democracy of Bedistan will most assuredly continue to compete in World Cup 9.

A "reconciliation room" in police headquarters, Burung Paradis City, Tanah Burung. The room is locked. Two Tanah Burung police officers are carefully scanning the room, inch by inch, foot by foot, looking for the little man who isn't there. They find it easier to continue the interogation if they actually know where he isn't.

Suddenly a figure all in black isn't there right in front of the police officer on the left. The office realizes that this isn't the man who isn't there, but rather is not someone else who isn't there, too. The officer reaches with his left hand for the non existant man, and with his right hand for his weapon.

As he does, the man who isn't there in front of him suddenly isn't there anymore. Just then, the officer catches a glimpse of the little man who wasn't there before. Apparently, he still isn't there, too. As he continues to reach for his weapon, he turns to tell his partner what he hasn't just not seen. And the third man, who isn't there directly behind the officer, injects him quickly and efficiently with the sleeping potion. The officer manages to turn just enough, as he is falling asleep and falling down, to notice that this third man isn't there at all.

The second officer, who has continued to scan the reconciliation room for the little man who is continuously not there, hears a loud "thump" to her right. She turns, and out of the corner of her eye doesn't see the third man who isn't there disappear. She sees her partner out cold on the floor. Slowly she moves towards the nearest wall. Putting her back against it, she slides along the wall towards the locked door, constantly not seeing both the man she just didn't see, and the little man who she knows isn't still there in the room somewhere.

She reaches the door, and slips a key out of her pocket, unlocking the door by feel to keep the men who aren't there not in her sight at all times. As the door comes open, she turns - and the third man not there uses his blow gun to shoot the dart with the sleeping potion on it into her back. She takes one step through the door, and as she puts her foot down slowly collapses around it to the floor.

The two men who aren't there now grab the little man who wasn't there before. He opens his mouth to yell, and the woman who suddenly isn't there behind him sticks the hypodermic with the sleeping potion in his bicep, and pushes down on the plunger - as the first of the men who aren't there now wraps his arm around the throat of the man who hasn't been there for a few weeks now and chokes off his cry of alarm.

The man who the Tanah Burung police had begun to wish wasn't not there slumps, and the two men who haven't been there for the past few minutes catch him and drag him through the door. The woman who most recently turned up not there bends over the police officer in the center of the room and removes the hypodermic from his buttock, then steps quickly through the door, plucking the dart from the police woman out cold across the door sill. Gently the woman who isn't there pushes the woman who is there back into the reconciliation room, and quietly closes the door. And is instantly - not there.

Within minutes the two men, the woman, and their unconcious companion all aren't slipping silently away into the night.

- What about the Empam? Shouldn't we bring that back as well?
- Never mind. That can be negotiated for later. We just have to get "him" out of here.
- But he wasn't here!
- And he won't have been as long as he isn't when they wake up.

In less than an hour the woman who isn't there isn't driving a car that no one can quite make out towards the border. The three men aren't there in the back seat, the unconcious one between her two partners.

Half an hour later they aren't boarding a stealth helicopter that no one sees flying three men and one woman who aren't there quickly and efficiently to not be somewhere else.

At last, three hours on, they helicopter isn't seen landing within the borders of the Borderlands of Snub Nose 38. They are not seen disembarking from the helicopter, and then aren't there on their way to the Ministry of Super Secret Sleuthery - where the little man who isn't there will not be for the rest of his life.

OOC:

What the hell is going on?

I've come on, and LE informs me of a massive in progress Bitchfest. First and foremost I do not appreciate a decsion being made and ratified BEFORE I am even aware a problem exists. Whilst I am more than happy that the WCC found a solution so quickly, I am more than displeased as a co-HOST I had to find out from LE on IRC some hours afterwards what was going on.

If I am to be treated as a third wheel, I will resign as co-host with immediate effect. I stated that I was loathe to host to begin with, but That a joint operation might have a better chance of operation.

Two, This whole thing is crazy.

1) We did not change the rules to allow Tanah Burung qualification.

2) I did not qualify for WC VIII.

3) I don't approve of puppets.

4) I totally understand where Spaam is coming from.

Yes, the last one is contradictory, but I totally understand that he must see this as fairly simple. I am merely thinking of past indications. Perhaps we could have reached a more satisfactory conclusion.

I know I sound pissed off, hell I am very annoyed this whole thing has been sealed shut before I was even informed it had begun. Where did this "Never enter the competition again." stipulation come from?

[A very hacked off] EB.

Whilst I am more than happy that the WCC found a solution so quickly, I am more than displeased as a co-HOST I had to find out from LE on IRC some hours afterwards what was going on.

And even then it was only a couple members of the WCC -- less than half. If the "WCC" is going to come to a decision, they really need to get some input from everyone on the WCC before jumping the gun like this. I have to agree with you -- this whole thing has been blown WAY out of proportion. I personally believe East Spaam should be through, Spaam should not, end of discussion.

1) We did not change the rules to allow Tanah Burung qualification.

Admittedly, TB wasn't being knocked out by one of its own puppets, but this point still stands.

3) I don't approve of puppets.

Indeed, as a result of this whole fiasco, I'm very seriously considering withdrawing Pedriana from WC10. I don't need this kind of BS.

4) I totally understand where Spaam is coming from.

I kind of do, but...

One thing Oglethorpia and I did when we assigned qualifying groups for WC8 was to ensure as well as possible that no two nations owned by the same player were put in the same group. TnUI and Antaeus Rising did wind up in the same group, but that's because we didn't know AR was TnUI's puppet at the time. :P While I understand the desirability of random groupings, I do think this is one thing that needs to be avoided (of course, it's not realistic, but for the sake of gameplay).

Basically, I think this is all way out of proportion and that East Spaam should be through, end of story. If both Spaams are now boycotting because of this, something is seriously wrong.

I know I sound pissed off, hell I am very annoyed this whole thing has been sealed shut before I was even informed it had begun. Where did this "Never enter the competition again." stipulation come from?


It isn't shut, as far as I'm aware. And I'd like to know the answer to that question myself. I certainly never said anything about a permanent ban from competition.

Anyway, so as not to completely waste a post... this is the (mostly-) randomized grouping I came up with for the first stage. (Also posted to the scores thread, but the url pointer is off...) If there's any particular problems we should be aware of, please say so at this time.

Group A
Liverpool England (1)
Busby (8)
Kingsford (28)
East Spaam (74) *

Group B
Bedistan (3)
Gilmeecia (17)
Snub Nose 38 (20)
Total n Utter Insanity (49)

Group C
Lemmitania (12)
Errinundera (15)
Commerce Heights (23)
Tanah Burung (39)

Group D
Ravenspire (9)
Svecia (16)
Squornshelous (25)
Kaze Progressa (59)

Group E
Oglethorpia (10)
The Belmore Family (13)
Audioslavia (18)
Nikea (44)

Group F
Haraki (2)
Giant Zucchini (11)
Ariddia (19)
Dark Outcasts (33)

Group G
Europa Brittania (4)
Halfassedstates (13)
Dennisov (22)
West Arridia (69)

Group H
Runaway Moose (6)
Oddslavo (7)
Gesamtkuntswerk (20)
Aquilla (36)

* - Or whichever team takes East Spaam's place.

Day 1
1 vs 4
2 vs 3

Day 2
1 vs 3
2 vs 4

Day 3
1 vs 2
3 vs 4

Full Groups
[code:1:e9777fba55]
Group A
Liverpool England (1)
Busby (8)
Kingsford (28)

Group B
Bedistan (3)
Gilmeecia (17)
Snub Nose 38 (20)
Total n Utter Insanity (49)

Group C
Lemmitania (12)
Errinundera (15)
Commerce Heights (23)
Tanah Burung (39)

Group D
Ravenspire (9)
Svecia (16)
Squornshelous (25)
Kaze Progressa (59)

Group E
Oglethorpia (10)
The Belmore Family (13)
Audioslavia (18)
Nikea (44)

Group F
Haraki (2)
Giant Zucchini (11)
Ariddia (19)
Dark Outcasts (33)

Group G
Europa Brittania (4)
Halfassedstates (13)
Dennisov (22)
West Arridia (69)

Group H
Runaway Moose (6)
Oddslavo (7)
Gesamtkuntswerk (20)
Aquilla (36)

Day 1
1 vs 4 [Group A: Liverpool England do not play]
2 vs 3

Day 2
1 vs 3
2 vs 4 [Group A: Busby do not play]

Day 3
1 vs 2
3 vs 4 [Group A: Kingsford do not play]
[/code:1:e9777fba55]

One thing Oglethorpia and I did when we assigned qualifying groups for WC8 was to ensure as well as possible that no two nations owned by the same player were put in the same group. TnUI and Antaeus Rising did wind up in the same group, but that's because we didn't know AR was TnUI's puppet at the time. :P While I understand the desirability of random groupings, I do think this is one thing that needs to be avoided (of course, it's not realistic, but for the sake of gameplay).

Basically, I think this is all way out of proportion and that East Spaam should be through, end of story. If both Spaams are now boycotting because of this, something is seriously wrong.

OOC:
What I am about to say is my personal point of view only, and should not be considered as a WCC directive, nor as expressing the position of the entire WCC. I believe such decisions are up to the hosts.

I would tend to agree with Tanah Burung: we should go by the Al Quds precedent, and use play-offs between the third-ranked teams of each group, the best of which gets to fill the slot. If the hosts agree.

Another thing is that rankings should not be affected, and should stay as they are presently. No team should have to lose ranks because of this, in any case.

I'd also like to add it's fairly unsportsmanlike. If you enter a puppet, you accept that your puppet is competing - including against your main nation. I understand it can be frustrating to be bumped out by your own puppet, but that had to be a calculated risk. If West Ariddia had by chance been in my group and ousted me, I wouldn't have complained. (I'd have rped the West Ariddians jeering and sticking out their tongues at their Ariddian neighbours :p )


IC:
8pm news

Eve Forest (presentator): "And in sports news, Ariddia has qualified for the final stages of the football World Cup. The team struggled at times and lost several matches, and will now have to face a difficult group if they want to reach the next round.

Group F
Haraki (2)
Giant Zucchini (11)
Ariddia (19)
Dark Outcasts (33)

On paper, this looks like the end of the trip, but as team captain Ranjit Khan pointed out, "you win or lose on performance and sometimes a touch of luck, not on statistics."

Meanwhile, thousands have taken to the streets throughout West Ariddia as they learnt their team had also qualified, against all odds. The road ahead likewise looks tough.

Group G
Europa Brittania (4)
Halfassedstates (13)
Dennisov (22)
West Arridia (69)

Signs borne by the merry-makers exhibited such comments as, 'If the commies can do it, we can too'. The West Ariddian government, in a show of new and strengthened ties with Ariddia, was quick to explain that sporting competitions should not be viewed as a renewed Cold War. The two governments exchanged congratulations and wishes of good luck."

OOC:
OK, disregard that previous OOC... Your solution works too; congratulations to the hosts on working this out. Not that you need it, but you have the approval of the World Cup founder. ;)

On a personal level, I've decided not to enter a puppet in any further World Cup, out of fairness. This works out well rp-wise, too, given the reconciliation and partial re-unification the Ariddian states are undergoing. My team for WC10 will consist mainly in Ariddian players, with a few players from West Ariddia and North-West Ariddia.

If there's any particular problems we should be aware of, please say so at this time.
Problems? I have a problem with playing Errinundera twice in a row. :P

Josh Hinar: Hello and welocme to our World Cup Nine preview. We will take an in depth look at the Groups, and how they will match up. But first, let's turn our heads to the Group A controversy. East Spaam, who were drawn in Group A, have withdrawn from the competition, forcing the co-hosts and defending champions to discuss on a way out. Ravenspire, Europa Brittania and Liverpool England representatives met up and discussed on what road to take. They then decided on letting East Spaam in, with possibility od disqualification. However, East Spaam did not take this chance and avoided the plane booked for them to Ravenspire and Europa Brittania, and were left stranded in Liverpool England, where they were to board their flight.
Let's look at Group A. With me, expert Dr. Shipholis Listerasky. Hello, Dr.

DSL (bad pun for those on dial up, sorry...): Hello, nice to be here.

JH: Liverpool England, defending champs. And Busby, WC8's Quarter Finalists, and Kingsford, who once again for the second time running fell in the group stage. The national team were supposed to meet East Spaam on Day One, but since the East Spaamanians boycotted this event, the team have an extra day of rest before their match against Busby, which may prove to be a though one.

DSL: Yes, that is true. However Kingsford look to be falling for the third consecutive time at the Group Stage. Liverpool England and Busby have the advantage, and should go through. However don't put off Kingsford! They could just surprise Busby.

JH: And yes, it is possible.... Now, a short break, we'll be back after this to look at Oddslavo's group.

The Maracaibo Post

Oglethorpia's 1901 National Team sent back in time
After two failed World Cup bids, the 1901 National Team has been sent back to their native era.

By Bill Christmas

TRIPOLI, MARACAIBO -- with a fond farwell, the 1901 Oglethorpian team waved goodbye to Oglethorpia's own modern squad, and to principle staff of the Maracaibo National Labratory who were instrumental in bringing them into the modern times.

Into the "gate" the starting eleven walked, coach Marvin Jones the last to go through; with a graceful bow and a wave of farewell.

"It's kind of weird to think we successfully accomplished time travel," commented Lab Director Gastón Hutchinson. "It's good to send those guys back home."

Oglethorpians have mixed feelings on the team's presence in two current World Cups. "On one hand, it was cool to have two Oglethorpian national teams; and yet, we had a whole slew of time traveling issues too," said Association of Futebol Director George McDouglas.

Parliament had voted 91-9 to send the team back; on the merit that they belonged in their own era.

And so the Maracaibo National Lab went about setting up a time travel back to 1901 for the eleven national team members.

"Those guys were great, it's too bad those two bids never panned out," said modern-team captain Fernando Green.

---

OOC:

I was having trouble making time to RP both squads.

Plus, the fact that there's a whole hubbub about entering puppets.

Warnocks Wizards Considering Hosting Tournament for World Cup Also Rans

Cup of Harmony to Start Soon?

From our news services...

New Orthanc, Warnocks Wizards--The Red and White Wizards may not have qualified for the World Cup, but their season may not yet be over. Rumours are floating around the capital that Minister for Sport Ufhur the Hated is considering revitalising the Frosty Cup tournament for active [OOC: i.e. Roleplaying] nations that failed to qualify for the World Cup. Given the recent strife in the international community over various sporting issues, the Minister is thinking of rechristening the invitational tournament The Cup of Harmony. Should there be enough interest, Ufhur envisions a tournament of 8-12 roleplaying nations to battle for the cup that will promote international harmony through football. Invitations will be sent out to various nations this week to see if there is enough support for such a venture, which Minister Ufhur proposes to host in the Empire of Warnocks Wizards. Stay tuned for any further developments.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

If there's any particular problems we should be aware of, please say so at this time.
Problems? I have a problem with playing Errinundera twice in a row. :P

OOC: If you're serious, I could swap Errinundera and Svecia. Their rankings are close enough not to seriously affect group balance, and nobody in your group has faced Svecia this time around.

OOC: Just a reminder: is it top two from each group, or top one?

OOC: Just a reminder: is it top two from each group, or top one?

OOC: Just a reminder: is it top two from each group, or top one?
Top 2.
And do you want to renew our WCX "King and Kaiser" bid for WCXI?

OOC: Might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm assuming there's no home team advantage in the first round?

IC post tomorrow when it's not 3:30am :lol:

OOC: Might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm assuming there's no home team advantage in the first round?


Correct. I'm not sure how previous Cups handled it, but my instinct is that it wouldn't be fair. The hosts already have enough advantage in auto-qualifying.

so whats happening in group 1 then? is it gonna be Spaam, East Spaam, Timway or no-one? tbh i think having three teams in group 1 is the worst idea anyone has ever had since Graham Taylor started thinking "hmm, Tony Dorigo....." (sorry, English joke)

but then again, what do i know, why dont we start calling the halfway line the "50 yard line" and start calling defenders "rushlinequarterbackers".

god bless america, and its needlessly confusingly complicated sporting competitions.

OOC: Might be a bit of a dumb question, but I'm assuming there's no home team advantage in the first round?


Correct. I'm not sure how previous Cups handled it, but my instinct is that it wouldn't be fair. The hosts already have enough advantage in auto-qualifying.

Audioslavia and Lemmitania had home-advantage in WC seven :) (but look where that got us :/)

Scuttlebutt - Morning Edition

They're Not Dead Yet !
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Remington Grey

Almost all the news in Sten these days is bad. The Academy of Science as yet has found neither a cure, nor a vaccine, for the Plague sweeping the streets. Each morning, dawn brings the cry of the Pestilence Patrol -

"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"

But the Hooligans are not dead yet! *

Early this morning they boarded a charter flight to Ravenspire, where they will take part in the WCC World Cup 9 Football Tournament. This is a bit of a surprise to those of us who've followed them through the Qualifying Matches. In the five matches before their last match with Demonic Beings the Snub Nose 38 National Football Hooligans had lost one and drew four, sat fourth in their group and were three points down. Odds were (you can check this with your local bookmaker) they were done. The Ministry of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages had already begun the process of selecting both a management staff and a pool of footballers to draw from for World Cup 10 Qualifying.

And then the Hooligans won the Demonic Beings match in added time, and wound up third in Group 8 on goal differential. A National Holiday was declared! The party in the streets of Sten made Mardi Gras look like an afternoon tea. The Hooligans are moving on. There are no assurances they'll win the Cup. There are no assurances they'll even get past group play. But they're going to Ravenspire/Europa Britania to play on - with as good a shot at the Cup as any other side who will be there. Here's how their path lays out, as third seed in Group B:

Group B
1 Bedistan (3)
2 Gilmeecia (17)
3 Snub Nose 38 (20)
4 Total n Utter Insanity (49)

Matchday 1
Bedistan vs Total n Utter Insanity
Gilmeecia vs Snub Nose 38

Matchday 2
Bedistan vs Snub Nose 38
Gilmeecia vs Total n Utter Insanity

Matchday 3
Bedistan vs Gilmeecia
Snub Nose 38 vs Total n Utter Insanity

The venue for Group B matches will be Kowan Park (capacity 107,170) in Tir Eselyn, Ravenspire. The stadiums high altitude, and relatively cold temperature, could effect the outcome of Group B matches - sides prepared for high altitude and raw weather may have an advantage.

Rankings in football tend to be a bit misleading, as they are based on past performance over a rather lengthy period. Here, then, is how the four sides in Group B fared in the Qualifiers for World Cup 9:

Gilmeecian Kickassers** - 2nd best record of all - 11 wins, 0 draws, 3 losses, 33 points
Bedistani Lions - 4th best of all - 9 wins, 3 draws, 2 losses, 30 points
Total n Utter Insanity Insanicans - 20th best of all - 8 wins, 2 draws, 4 losses, 26 points
Snub Nose 38 Hooligans - 24th best of all - 6 wins, 6 draws, 2 losses, 24 points
**previously known as the Gilmeecian Kickfooters

Good Luck, Hooligans!

In a related story, three days ago the Snub Nose 38 Hooligan Cheerleaders started hitch hiking for Ravenspire/Europa Britania. They hope to arrive there in time for the Hooligans first match. They hope to arrive there, and be allowed to enter the country. In fact, they simply hope to arrive there.

The Remington County Record

Break In at the Academy?
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Lauren D'Order

In the early hours before dawn last Thursday the Remington County Sheriff responded to an alarm at the Academy of Science. The Sheriff discovered a ground floor window had been broken, apparently with a large rock found on the floor inside. The buildings and grounds of the entire Academy were immediatly secured by the Remington County Sheriffs Department. Once the Sheriff assured himself that no intruders remained on the grounds, or in any of the buildings, Chief Academician Albert Onestone was called in. With Doctor Onestone the Sheriff conducted a thorough search of the Academy.

At some point during the search, no one seems exactly sure when, the Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery, Jack Cass, appeared and joined in. At the conclusion of the search it was the Minister, oddly this reporter thought, who announced, "We can assure the people and government of the Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 that nothing that hadn't been here hasn't turned up missing. Further, we will not make every effort to recover what, of course, isn't missing. It didn't happen. It will never happen. It isn't happening now."

Doctor Onestone at one point was muttering something about "Osiris" or some such, but when this reporter asked the Doctor to elaborate, the Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery, who was suddenly at my elbow, informed me that Doctor Onestone had merely sneezed. Doctor Onestone confirmed this.
---------------------------------------------
*Sincere apologies to Monthy Python

doh! nasty nasty group.

* torn from the police blotter in the remington county record*

Not listed in today's police blotter isn't someone not known as Wood U. B. Lief, who couldn't be seen being ferried into exile on Elba late yesterday afternoon. The absent Mr. Lief wasn't convicted of a number of crimes, and hasn't been held in solitary confinement since the day he wasn't brought into custody. What you haven't just read is certainly not printed here.

-------------------------------
Lemmy, Beddy, TnUI: This should be an interesting group! I'm very sorry I have to be away for three days. Looking forward to some good reading when I get back. The Hooligans, the Cheerleaders, Ben, Eileen, Justin, Margaret (with rubber chicken et al), and the Minister of AO&AB will all be there for each match. Go ahead and use 'em if ya want.

I'll post something once I do get back and see what's what. Good luck to you all. :wink:

'slaves groups announced
two grudge matches on the cards

[code:1:943aebe803]
Group E
Oglethorpia (10)
The Belmore Family (13)
Audioslavia (18)
Nikea (44) [/code:1:943aebe803]

Audioslavia's world cup group was announced today, and contains two matches which may just turn into grudge matches.

First of all, for the second time in as many world cups the 'slaves have been drawn against The Belmore Family, who won the last time the two teams met, back in World Cup 8. The next grudge match in the group will be against the World Cup 8 hosts Oglethorpia, with whom there has been some disagreement over some recent NSWCC matters, namely the Spaamergate incident.

Those two matches come one after the other, with Audioslavia - TBF on day one and Audioslavia - Oglethorpia on day two. The final game against Nikea should decide wether Audioslavia can progress to round 2 for only the third time in six attempts.

Audioslavia's World Cup History

World Cup IV:
Host: Brazillico
Rank going into tournament: 100
WC Results:
Jurassica W2-1
Kingsford D3-3
Europa Brittania D1-1
Lemmitania D1-1 (L3-2 on penalties)
Finished: Second round
Random Quote: For our listeners, I’d just like to relate that the Lemmings won the toss and elected to begin with possession. The Slaves’ captain, de la Rocha, does not look pleased about that. He rather violently declared that his team would defend the left goal, and he just stalked away to his sideline looking like he wanted to kill someone :- Clem Gilson, Lemmitania Radio.

World Cup V:
Host: Tanah Burung
Rank: 11
WC Results: N/A.
Finished: Didnt Qualify
Random Quote:"its not fair, its not fair, waaaaaa":- Audioslavia.

World Cup VI
Rank: 40
WC Results:
Spaam L3-0
Lemmitania D1-1
Cobra Cult W2-1
Finished: First Round
Random Quote:"its not fair, its not fair, waaaaa":- Pure Evil

World Cup VII
Hosts: Audioslavia & Lemmitania
Rank: 20
WC Results:
Malundar L4-3
Liverpool England W3-1
Kingsford W1-0
Errinundera L: 4-2 AET
Finished: Second Round
Random Quote:"I was talking to HAS, who was TBF vs HAS as the QF when its the 2R.":- Total 'n Utter Insanity


World Cup VIII
Hosts: Oglethorpia & Bedistan
Rank: 13
WC Results:
Halfassedstates L2-1
Bullonien W3-1
The Belmore Family L3-2
Finished: First Round
Random Quote:
"ENTER Large Dog.
Large Dog: Scooby-dooby-doo!
(All laugh. EXEUNT.)":- Gilmeecia

World Cup IX
Hosts: Ravenspire & Europa Brittania
Rank: 18
Finished: tba....

Halfassedstates qualifying info
Played 14 W 9 D 3 L 2

Goal scorers[code:1:4e129bcf97]
J.Milton 10
A.Gunnett 7
A.Bundy 3
J.Time 1
F.Le Madeer 1
T.Thumb 1[/code:1:4e129bcf97]
Who we scored most goals against
Kramerica 5
Tranquillitus 4
Nikea 4

Goals conceeded
12 in 14 games (O'Malley)

Who we conceeded most goals against;
Kramerica 5
Tranquillitus 2
Endray-island 2
Nikea 2

Interestingly, the other 13th seed The Belmore Family finished with exactly the same record as Halfassed (W9D3L2). TBF scored 24 to HAS 23 and conceeded 11 to HAS 12 - Spooky huh!!

Due to apparent confusion over where the Bulldogs' first-round matches will be played, the team has boarded a plane to Ravenspire, while their holographic duplicates have been sent to Europa Brittania. If necessary, they can switch locations. ;)

Goals scored in qualification

[code:1:cf2f83f58e]
Alan Belmore 20
Laurence Wellden 4
[/code:1:cf2f83f58e]

Due to apparent confusion over where the Bulldogs' first-round matches will be played, the team has boarded a plane to Ravenspire, while their holographic duplicates have been sent to Europa Brittania. If necessary, they can switch locations. ;) *LMAO*

<<The television screen in Nikean homes is blessed with scenes of various football scenes, goals being scored, great saves, all faded into national flags of various countries. The words "Yentereleth Terestbeki" (Nikean for 'World Cup Report') appear at the end of the series of scenes

<<Two men are seated at a modern desk, while a wall with images of football players in various plays is behind them, these images are faded into the red of the wall. Plasma flat-screen are behind both men as they are seated at either end of the table which is shaped like the top of a trapezoid, only straightened out.>>

Limentel: Welcome once again to the World Cup Report, sponsored by the Melrenitel Automotive Corporation. I'm your host Isterin Limentel, and along with me we have former Nikean national manager Resterin Terestel. Good to have you with us.

Terestel: Thank you, it's great to be here.

Limentel: Today we're here to preview the Nikeans' group for World Cup Nine, and by the looks of things, it seems to be a very tough road for the Pandas.

Terestel: Yes, the other three teams in the group are all ranked from number 10 through to number 18, while little 44th Nikea rounds out the group. Many would count the Pandas out, but Nikea did defeat the number 11 Dark Outcasts in the Frosty Cup 4 years ago, and that was when they were 71st overall. This team is a lot better. In the qualifying rounds, the Pandas only lost once to the two top teams in the group, Halfassedstates and Bedistan, drawing the other three meetings with those two teams. So the Pandas do have a chance, but albeit a small one.

Limentel: Let's start off our preview our look at the 10th seed, Oglethorpia.

<<Screen changes to various highlights of the Olgethorpian team in qualifying, while the voice over (voice of Limentel) talks over them.>>

Limentel(VO): Oglethorpia impressed many in the qualifying rounds for this year's World Cup. The previous Cup hosts finished qualifying with a record of eight wins, three draws, and three defeats, topping their group with 27 points. Captain Fernando Green has been solid for the Superteam, and keeper Yamamoto-san has allowed his team to rack up an amazing plus 13 goal differential. With one of the top offences and an above average backfield, Oglethorpia looks like a solid bet to qualify.

<<Fade back to the two announcers.>>

Limentel: Well, there's the Olgethorpian team. What do you have to say about them, Resterin?

Terestel: They played tremendously in the qualifying round, and I think they'll have little trouble moving on.

Limentel: Next up we'll take a look at the 13th ranked Belmore Family.

<<Same deal with the highlights and the voiceover.>>

Limentel(VO): The Belmore Family was perhaps in the most polar of the qualifying groups. While the top teams managed to fight out the qualfiying spots at the top, the bottom four teams of the table finished way back of them, with an amazing 17 point gap between 4th and 5th place. The Belmorians, with a point total of 30 points, still had to wait until the very late stages of qualifying to secure their spot. The Belmore Family were even more impressive than Oglethorpia in qualifying. While they scored nine less goals than Oglethorpia, they also allowed nine less, with only eleven goals against. Alan Belmore was their leading scorer, scoring 20 of the 24 goals for the Belmore Family.

<<Back to the desk.>>

Limentel: Another impressive side there.

Terestel: No doubt there. The Belmorians also look like a safe bet to qualify.

Limentel: Last, but certainly not least, is Audioslavia.

<<Again, highlights and voice over.>>

Limentel(VO): Audioslavia played very defensively in the qualifying rounds, but they still managed to qualify. While only scoring 17 goals, they allowed only 10, giving them a record of seven wins, three draws, and four losses. The defensive minded team has seen their defence play in top form so far, but they will need to pick up their offensive production should they want to move out of Group E.

<<Back to desk.>>

Limentel: Audioslavia is one of those sides that aren't very exciting to watch, but they do get the job done.

Terestel: As a former manager, I love how their defence is so strong, but I certainly wouldn't pay a lot of money to see it live.

Limentel: So how do the Nikeans match up against the other three teams in the group?

Terestel: On paper, it seems like they have no chance, but the Pandas always seem to pick it up against the higher ranked teams, which they showed in the matches with Halfassedstates and Bedistan in qualifying. Oglethorpia will probably be too much, but if the Pandas can find a way to stop Alan Belmore, they might be able to manage a draw, or a win if they get a little luck. Their best matchup, though, is with Audioslavia, who's offence is pretty bad. Their defence is stellar, but the Nikeans scored the most goals in their group in qualifying with 25, and scored three times on 3rd ranked Bedistan, as well as managing to put one past a tough Halfassedstates defence.

Limentel: How do they look overall?

Terestel: I'm not too confident about them going past the group stage here. They might pick up third if they continue to play well, but with Olgethorpia and The Belmore Family playing extremely well, I don't see Panda Magic moving forward. I think they'll be playing more for a respectable rank in the top 32 for World Cup 10.

Limentel: That's all the time we have for tonight's preview show. Tune into NTV1 for live action between Oglethorpia and Nikea tomorrow. For Resterin Terestel, I'm Isterin Limentel, good night.

<<Fade out with credits.>>

--------------------------

GROUP E MATCHES
Oglethorpia v. Nikea
The Belmore Family v. Nikea
Audioslavia v. Nikea

From a Daily Kangaroo special pull-out: 'The Road To World Cup Nine'

CAN THEY MAKE HISTORY AGAIN?

Kaze Progressa's historic first visit to the World Cup is a massive test for them. Nobody, even the most die-hard Progressan supporter, denies this. The Progressans have the added burden of facing co-hosts Ravenspire in their first match. Svecia and Squornshelous complete the group, one which manager Farila Tubarel describes as 'a nightmare group, but no more so than expected.'

When told that his side actually had the best qualifying record of the group by some distance, Tubarel was quick to reduce the emphasis on this, saying 'that was just the nature of the group - four good teams, four bad teams. I called it the schizophrenic group. Bear in mind, we only made it by one point.'

Tubarel says the Ravenspire match will be the toughest. 'They're one of the top ten teams in the world, and they'll have absolutely fanatical support for them. Our best hope is that they will be crushed under the weight of national expectation - oops, now I've said that I'll get censored by the Ravenspire media.'

Faiwe Irafma, the hero of the qualifying campaign, is perhaps the most optimistic. 'We've beaten Liverpool England and Belmore Family to get here, so we really can beat anyone. I'm not saying we will, but we can. One win and one draw could well see us through, and then it's a knockout and anything can happen.'

That optimistic viewpoint sent patriotic Progressan supporters flurrying to the bookmakers. GetLucky reports one punter spent 10,000 kaks (around US$5,700) on Kaze Progressa winning the World Cup at odds of 75-1 (odds which have since tumbled to 50-1) and another spent 20,000 kaks on the Progressans reaching the knockout stages at odds of 4-1 (now 13-4).

Kaze Progressa are training in an unknown venue somewhere between Ravenspire and Europa Brittanica ready to transfer to the requisite venue when one is confirmed.

Edit: Double post transformed into Spaamian comment...

Why not take the best fourth-placed side in qualifying (ORD) and put them in Group 1? ORD deserve their place, if only for their excellent RPing. If not, then we'll have to make do with their statistics.

Match of the Day
<Credits roll>
Simon Belmore:Hello welcome to Match of the Day-World Cup. Today we are lucky enough to have superstar Alan Belmore with us to look at TBF's opposistion in the WC Group Stages. So Alan, how well do you think you will be able to do against such a strong opposistion as Oglethorpia?

Alan: They will be a very hard opponent. They won 5 out of 7 away games in qualification and will be a very hard team to beat. But [i]their[i] problem will lie in their weak defence. They let in several goals against low ranked sides such as a 3-3 draw with Hells bovines, we should with our strong attack break through that defence easily.

Simon: So your prediction

Alan: 2-1 to us.

Simon: You talked about qualifying, our statians have come up with this for us.
[code:1:52d26d2423]
The Belmore Family (13) 14 9 3 2 24 11 13 30
Oglethorpia (10) 14 8 3 3 33 20 13 27
Audioslavia (18) 14 7 3 4 17 10 7 24
Nikea (44) 14 6 5 3 25 19 6 23
[/code:1:52d26d2423]
Simon(Cont): This neat table really showa our dominance in qualifying.

Alan: Yes, we have always been stong in qualifcation. Look at WC 6, we got the 2nd best result in qualification. In WC7 we only lost 3 times, and two of those was against the number 1 seed, WC8 we didn't loose a game in qualification, but in each of those we failed due to sloppy errors which must be stopped if we are to have a chance in this WC.

Simon:Moving on to another of our opponents, Audioslavia, how do you rank them?

Alan:Audioslavia have always been a good team I don't doubt that, but they are simply to dull, they have no initative. I remember watching them as a child and I acctually could not see how they would win their games. They really need to get their heads together to try and beat us.

Simon: So I presume you are predicting a win for TBF against these guys.

Alan: Yes, I think it might be close though, I'll go 1-0 TBF.

Simon: On to Newbies Nikea.

Alan: Going into this World Cup i did not know much about this team, but after doing a bit of research this team is very good. Their striker, K. Irisiuene is an amazing young star on to rival the best. He in my opinion, along with the rest of the team could quite easily beat ourselves, Ogle and Audioslavia, they have got a good few draws and I worry about this match the most.

Simon: So how do you predict this going.

Alan: I feel a 2-2 draw will end up the score.

Simon: OK, can we have your predictions for the other matches in the group

Alan: Sure
Oglethorpia Vs Nikea 1-1
Audioslavia Vs Oglethorpia 1-3
Nikea Vs Audioslavia 2-1

So my predictions should pan out with a group like this:

[code:1:52d26d2423]
Team Pl W D L F A GD PTS
The Belmore Family 3 2 1 0 5 3 +2 7
Nikea 3 1 2 0 5 4 +1 5
Oglethorpia 3 1 1 1 5 4 +1 4
Audioslavia 3 0 0 3 2 6 -4 0[/code:1:52d26d2423]

[code:1:553d0358d5]
Team Pl W D L F A GD PTS
The Belmore Family 3 2 1 0 5 3 +2 7
Nikea 3 1 2 0 5 4 +1 5
Oglethorpia 3 1 1 1 5 4 +1 4
Audioslavia 3 0 0 3 2 6 -4 0[/code:1:553d0358d5]

:o cheeky rastard, i'll have you know we're so good that we once drew with Lemmitania! and we only JUST lost to Errinundera!

we ARE a superpower.... we ARE.......

*gently rocks in a corner with arms around knees

Group D
Ravenspire (9)
Svecia (16)
Squornshelous (25)
Kaze Progressa (59)

Hmm, not gonna be easy to qualify, but we've got a chance, we'll definitely have to beat Kaze Progressa to do it.
It would also be nice to break our losing streak against Svecia, since the two times we've played them, the resulting loss has DQ'ed us.

*the scene: the home team locker room at holmes stadium in columbia, bedistan. team coach gene barber and the 23 members of his team are sitting around, apparently bored. there is a look of apprehension on the coach's face.*

- So what's the situation again, Coach?
- Okay. It's like this: We've been drawn into Group B. Group B consists of us (obviously), Gilmeecia, Snub Nose 2--er, 38, and that country with the really long name I can't quite remember.
- TnUI!
- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.
- No, not them! They're in Group H.
- Well, it sounds like the group shouldn't be too tough...
- Gilmeecia will probably give us a run for our money, but other than that we should be good.
- Okay, so what's the problem?
- The problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that we don't have a clue where we're going.
- The Cup is in Ravenspire and Europa Brittania, Coach.
- I know that! What I don't know is which nation we're going to, and even if by chance we pick the right one, I still don't know where to go within that nation.
- Hey, there's a world map over on the wall. How about I throw a dart at it and we'll go to the one it comes closest to.
- Clint, you couldn't hit that map at point-blank range. Besides, you're only fifteen; I'm not giving you a weapon.
- Ooh! Ooh! Let's pick a number!
- What for?
- I'll pick a number between 1 and 100. Then you and Mike each pick numbers between 1 and 100 and tell me what they are. If you're closer, we'll go to Ravenspire. If Mike's closer, we'll go to Europa Brittania.
- Hmm, why the hell not.
- Okay, go.
- I pick 25.
- I say 26.
- It was 13, so we're going to Ravenspire!
- Excellent. Now if it turns out that we're playing in Europa Brittania, Mike here will pay for our plane tickets there.
- Me? Why me?
- Because you didn't pick the right number.
- Oh.
- Okay then, pack up. We're off to Ravenspire to play against that long-named team.
- TnUI!
- Bless you.
- Oy, you must be getting a cold, Lisa. We would have to be leaving in the wintertime...

*coach barber and the team leave for the airport. we shake our heads, as we're quite certain that barber could've just called the ravenspire and europa brittania sporting associations to figure out which one was the right place. apparently barber got a lot of the sense knocked out of him while he was playing for the lions himself. we're feeling kinda hungry, so we begin to make our way toward the airport food court before the flight.*

OOC: Since SN38 won't be here, I figured I'd try my hand at mimicking his style. ;)

*the scene: the home team locker room at holmes stadium in columbia, bedistan. team coach gene barber and the 23 members of his team are sitting around, apparently bored. there is a look of apprehension on the coach's face.*

- So what's the situation again, Coach?
- Okay. It's like this: We've been drawn into Group B. Group B consists of us (obviously), Gilmeecia, Snub Nose 2--er, 38, and that country with the really long name I can't quite remember.
- TnUI!
- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.
- No, not them! They're in Group H.
- Well, it sounds like the group shouldn't be too tough...
- Gilmeecia will probably give us a run for our money, but other than that we should be good.
- Okay, so what's the problem?
- The problem, ladies and gentlemen, is that we don't have a clue where we're going.
- The Cup is in Ravenspire and Europa Brittania, Coach.
- I know that! What I don't know is which nation we're going to, and even if by chance we pick the right one, I still don't know where to go within that nation.
- Hey, there's a world map over on the wall. How about I throw a dart at it and we'll go to the one it comes closest to.
- Clint, you couldn't hit that map at point-blank range. Besides, you're only fifteen; I'm not giving you a weapon.
- Ooh! Ooh! Let's pick a number!
- What for?
- I'll pick a number between 1 and 100. Then you and Mike each pick numbers between 1 and 100 and tell me what they are. If you're closer, we'll go to Ravenspire. If Mike's closer, we'll go to Europa Brittania.
- Hmm, why the hell not.
- Okay, go.
- I pick 25.
- I say 26.
- It was 13, so we're going to Ravenspire!
- Excellent. Now if it turns out that we're playing in Europa Brittania, Mike here will pay for our plane tickets there.
- Me? Why me?
- Because you didn't pick the right number.
- Oh.
- Okay then, pack up. We're off to Ravenspire to play against that long-named team.
- TnUI!
- Bless you.
- Oy, you must be getting a cold, Lisa. We would have to be leaving in the wintertime...

*coach barber and the team leave for the airport. we shake our heads, as we're quite certain that barber could've just called the ravenspire and europa brittania sporting associations to figure out which one was the right place. apparently barber got a lot of the sense knocked out of him while he was playing for the lions himself. we're feeling kinda hungry, so we begin to make our way toward the airport food court before the flight.*

OOC: Since SN38 won't be here, I figured I'd try my hand at mimicking his style. ;)
And a good job of it, too! Thanks, Beddy. Haven't left yet, but I'm off in the morning. Enjoy!

Hi, im Jeremy Jaffacake at the EBI airport and with me is the Audioslavian captain Lee Branson. Lee, What are your hopes, realistically, of progressing past this first group?

LB: Im lookin' forward to the matches aye, We gotta get stuck in against Belmore an' Ogly and try and take a few points off 'em.

JJ: and what about Nikea

LB: i never heard of 'em to be honest, i think theyre kinda new but theyre getting into the whole world cup thing so i wish 'em all the best like, but we should be lookin' at tekkin all 3 points off 'em

JJ: i hope your not understimating them? remember what happened against Malundar?

LB: yeah but that was just the first game wasnt it? we didnt concentrate, to be fair we did score 3 good goals

JJ: yes but they scored 4.

LB: yes, they scored 4... but we still won the others, we gave Liverpool England a good thumping eh? and they went on to win the next one eh?

JJ: eh.. yeah. Anyway, one thing we'd like to ask you which has come up in the past 24 hours: do you think Audioslavian football is boring?

LB: borin'? who sais that?

JJ: everyone. everyone in the world.

LB: holy crabtestes... well we play a dead physical game like, and were all about possession, mekkin sure the other team cant get the ball to do all their namby pamby flicks and stuff. the way we play is simple: if they have the ball, we rough 'em up a bit, nick it off them, keep it and pressure forward til they get knackered enuff so we can stick a cross in or stick someone through and score. it aint pretty but it fuckin' works pal

JJ: a reporter for Belmore said that they couldnt understand how you ever scored.

LB: we get the ball and put it in the net, what more do you want? weve done it against Belmore enuff times!

JJ: no you havent, youve played them once and got beat 3-2

LB: exactly! TWO whole goals in just ONE game! magic! i bet fuggin Squornshelous couldnt do that!

JJ: they hit six past a side whod only conceded 1 goal EVER in their HISTORY.

LB: well, i dunno, hey were still in the top 20, have been for over 16 years mate, we must be doing summat right

JJ: if you like being called 'also-rans' then yeah

LB: tsh, whose side are you on anyway?

JJ: ours, i'd just rather we played with the skill and finesse that is usually ever-present in Football, not with the skill and finesse that is present in something like, i dunno, American Football.

LB American football? tsh, dont they play that in Lemmitania

JJ: no, your thinking of Pygmie Tossing

LB: oh thats right..

JJ: so, how do you like it in Europa Brittania

LB: i dunno i just got off the plane aint i? ive no idea where our matches are bein played like but our hotels just over the road so were off there until we find out

JJ: ok, well good luck with the cup, lastly, any predictions for who will win?

LB: No idea, i'd like to see halfassed or squornshelous do well, and i suppose Lemmitania and Gilmeecia, a final between them would be funny

JJ: heh, ok Lee, well i'll let you get back to your team mates, ta-ra

LB: cheers pal

JJ: This has been Jeremy Jaffacake for Channel One Sport, g'nite bitches :)

OOC: Just a reminder: is it top two from each group, or top one?
Top 2.
And do you want to renew our WCX "King and Kaiser" bid for WCXI?

Absolutely.

OOC: Geez, you people are impatient. :P

Groups B, D, F, and H will play in Ravenspire; groups A, C, E, and G, in Europa Brittania. Just because I want to see Commerce Heights' holographic doubles play. 8)

IC post detailing a stadium or four will be coming later tonight, for those who like to take that sort of thing into account. Scores will be posted tomorrow, rather than today, due to ongoing controversy.

On the topic of which: Normally, I'd stick to our decision. But, since I don't want any accusations of cheating if someone from group 1 goes on to win the bloody thing, I've run that elimination tournament to fill the slot. IF EB agrees, then One Red Dot will be taking that place. If EB does not, then it will remain empty, as previously arranged.

The tournament scores, for those interested (which should not contribute to future rankings, etc., in my opinion):

One Red Dot 3 1 Eauz
Timway 3 2 Antaeus Rising
The Redavic Union 0 1 Rejistania
Warnocks Wizards 1 2 Bullonien

One Red Dot 2 1 Timway (AET)
Rejistania 0 3 Bullonien

One Red Dot 1 0 Bullonien

No RP or home advantage bonus was used.

OOC: Just to let you know I'm going to be away for two weeks.... (Holidays at last! :p )

OOC: Geez, you people are impatient. :P

Groups B, D, F, and H will play in Ravenspire; groups A, C, E, and G, in Europa Brittania. Just because I want to see Commerce Heights' holographic doubles play. 8)

IC post detailing a stadium or four will be coming later tonight, for those who like to take that sort of thing into account. Scores will be posted tomorrow, rather than today, due to ongoing controversy.

On the topic of which: Normally, I'd stick to our decision. But, since I don't want any accusations of cheating if someone from group 1 goes on to win the bloody thing, I've run that elimination tournament to fill the slot. IF EB agrees, then One Red Dot will be taking that place. If EB does not, then it will remain empty, as previously arranged.

The tournament scores, for those interested (which should not contribute to future rankings, etc., in my opinion):

One Red Dot 3 1 Eauz
Timway 3 2 Antaeus Rising
The Redavic Union 0 1 Rejistania
Warnocks Wizards 1 2 Bullonien

One Red Dot 2 1 Timway (AET)
Rejistania 0 3 Bullonien

One Red Dot 1 0 Bullonien

No RP or home advantage bonus was used.

Problem: Then I'll face ORD. AGAIN. Although, I *did* defeat them twice in qualifying....

Bedistan Lions Qualifying Statistics:

Played 14 matches -- record 9-3-2 (30 points)
(Losses to #13 Halfassedstates and #80-something Zinkoland)

Goal scorers:
[code:1:fb90799d36]Darren Morlock 10
Claire Briscoe 4
Fernando Sippel 3
Javier Lewey 1
Phil Rivera 1
Lisa Young 1
Mike Thomas 1[/code:1:fb90799d36]

Goalkeeper performance:
Chuck Mitchell - 8 goals in 7 or 8 matches
Erik Oldenburg - 5 goals in 9 matches

-----------------------------------------

OOC:

Problem: Then I'll face ORD. AGAIN. Although, I *did* defeat them twice in qualifying....

I really think in the interest of not making this any harder on the hosts than it already is, we should leave it as it stands now. I've been there; I know how hard it is to get everything working right, and I think it looks good as it is.

Does anyone have the xls file for doing these random scores? I just wanted to know so I could play around with it a bit. Thanks...

Fortunately, the plane flying to Ravenspire was delayed due a leaky cargo plane which had spread molasses across the runway. When the mess was cleaned up, the team flew to Europa Brittania. Unlike the tickets for the WC8 qualifying match at Warnocks Wizards, plane tickets to Ravenspire will not be refunded. However, after a major change in Air Paripana flight scheduling, all flights to Ravenspire will connect to EB, and Ravenspire-EB flights are now only §200. Since the holographic duplicates flew out of the little-used Mayor Efficiency International Airport to the southwest of CH City, they have arrived and will be present at the match for entertainment purposes. The team is still working their way through Europa Brittania's capital, trying to locate information on where matches are to be played. (OOC: :P )

Los Polverines International Airport
Los Polverines, Porlamar

---

All eleven of Oglethorpia's World Cup-squad were aboard the luxurious Amalgamated Industries business jet, headed for Europa Brittania, spirits high, the squad all around positive for it's sixth appearance in the first round.

At least, it appeared as if the whole of the Oglethorpian-squad were present.

Little did they know that striker Torrence Black was back in the airport, scurrying out on the tarmac running after a departing Oglethorpian business jet.

---

"Where's Torrence?" asked team captain Fernando Green.
"Probably takin' a leak," said forward Kirk Calhoun.
"Probably."

A logo is displayed: The black-outlined crimson Gothic letters "RNN" dominate the top 3/4 of the screen, while below them, in flowing silver script, reads World Cup Roundup. The graphic irises out, leaving anchor Kathryn Malley on screen.

Hello, and welcome to World Cup Roundup, a RNN special report. Football fans across the nation are restless tonight, as the World Cup is about to kick off, right here in Ravenspire! I'm standing in what will no doubt be the center of attention tomorrow, Kitsuki Stadium in Sargard. Kitsuki, built recently by the Kitsuki Technologies conglomerate, is the largest stadium in Ravenspire, with a capacity of nearly 200,000 people. Only in Sargard, the prime tourism area of Lodoss, could a stadium so large hope to fill to capacity, but with the Ravens playing at home, stadium management expects seats to sell out.

An infographic appears to one side of the screen.
http://www.rainews24.rai.it/ran24/speciali/fifa_2002/stadi/foto/stadium_ibaraki.jpg

Kitsuki Stadium, Sargard, Ravenspire
Group D
Location: Twilight Coast
Capacity: 193,410
Notes: Sargard and the Twilight Coast area typically experience pleasant weather. It is warm year-round, with temperatures usually near 25-30 degrees Celsius (77-85 F). Rain is generally rare; the midsummer rainy season tends to be mild. On rare occasions, Sargard experiences tropical storms, but this is not predicted to be a factor during the World Cup. In regular season, Kitsuki is home to the Sargard Cranes, where Ravenspire's first international football star, Zhen Sui-Ling, began her professional career.

Ravenspire faces off against World Cup veterans Svecia and Squornshelous, and newcomers Kaze Progressa. Team captain Zhen Sui-Ling is confident of the Ravens' chances:

"Svecia is a talented team with many years of Cup tradition behind them. Like us, they're a low-scoring, defensively-oriented side -- though when I say 'low-scoring,' you have to understand I'm talking in the context of the top teams in the world. But they've struggled a bit this year, and the Ravens' morale has never been higher, so I think we'll take that match. Squornshelous is likely to be our biggest challenge, despite what the numbers say on paper -- they're a bit inconsistent, but they have the occasional match where they just completely dominate their opponents, like they did twice during qualifying. There's no question that their offense is a strong suit, and if they gain a lead against us, we might not be able to make it up. Finally, there's Kaze Progressa. On paper, they should be a walkover, but I can tell you nobody's going to be complacent about that match, because the Progressans achieved a better qualifying record than either Svecia or Squornshelous, and they did it in what was arguably a tougher group. Their play's been phenomenal. And we need a win against them if we want to leave any room for error later."

We'd like to take a moment to inform Kaze Progressa that we do not censor our media, much less anyone else's.

But Sargard isn't the only city to host a World Cup group. Bids by several major population centers were entertained, and sites finalized only as qualifiers were starting. The capital city, Tir Eselyn, is one of the winners.

Infographic
http://www.wldcup.com/Asia/stadia/tokyo/pict2p.jpg

Kowan Park, Tir Eselyn, Ravenspire
Group B
Location: Mount Raven, above Tir Eselyn
Capacity: 107,170
Notes: Mount Raven is the highest peak in Ravenspire, and among the highest in the world. Tir Eselyn, the capital city, is located beneath the mountain, which is located in the geographic center of the country. The stadium is built on a 'plateau' carved out of the lower slopes of the mountain, but it is still quite high in elevation. The pitch is shielded from wind, but temperatures are relatively low, averaging 12-18 C (54-64 F). The weather is often overcast, and rain is fairly frequent. In regular season, Kowan is home to the Tir Eselyn Foxes, for whom strikers (and spouses) Kaede Kitsuki and Amara Akizuki play.

The group is predicted to be an exciting battle, as third-ranked Bedistan, second-best qualifiers Gilmeecia, perennial powers Snub Nose 38, and Total n Utter Insanity. The first three of these teams are all within the top 20, making this a strong contender for the "group of death" title.

We'll be back to complete this rundown after this word from our sponsors.

(Nearly 20 minutes of commercials follow. 8) )

Kathryn Malley, reporting for RNN

The logo is displayed once more. Kathryn Malley reappears.

And we're back with our rundown of World Cup locations in Ravenspire. Perhaps the quickest bid to be accepted was the stadium that will host Group F, in Fal Dara.

Infographic
http://imagesgaulois.tripod.com/014_stade.jpg
Seladrin Bright Memorial Stadium
Group F
Location: Ordean Hills
Capacity: 98,005
Notes: Tucked away among the foothills of the Arelaya range, Fal Dara is a quiet city most known for its medical research and teaching hospitals. This architecturally interesting stadium is the smallest to win a hosting bid, and is dedicated to the founder of the Fal Dara Academy of Medical Science. The weather is cool (20-24 C (68-75 F)) and tends to be very dry. Players are advised to drink lots of water in order to avoid dehydration. In domestic play, the stadium is home to the Fal Dara Scorpions, the side from which keeper Autumn Mistmarch was recruited.

Group F includes Haraki, Giant Zucchini, Arridia, and Dark Outcasts -- all in all, a pretty high-ranking group, all experienced teams, but with a greater spread than group B. Haraki was last year's runner-up, and is widely expected to dominate the group. Ravens striker Kaede Kitsuki is here to offer comment.

The red-haired foxgirl and her wife, Amara Akizuki, bow slightly in acknowledgement before Kaede speaks.

"It's good to be back in Sargard, Kathryn. You know, this is where I decided I was going to play. Kitsuki Stadium wasn't built then, but the Cranes were playing in Xander's Green, and when I saw Sui-Ling play -- this was just after she joined the Cranes, I couldn't've been older than four or five -- well, I can't even tell you. It was beautiful. I've never forgotten that." Amara discreetly nudges her. "Oh, sorry. I got carried away for a minute, there. Group F... Haraki is a tough act to beat, but I'm going to predict Giant Zucchini and Ariddia go through here. The Zucchini haven't been performing up to par, but they're former champions, and Ariddia just have an amazing defense. Haraki's been allowing a lot of goals, and the Outcasts, while a competent team, didn't do so well in qualifying, so unless they get it together, I'm afraid they don't have much chance of winning over these vets."

Thank you, Kaede. But speaking of Sui-Ling, we've heard rumors that she's planning to retire after this year. Now, we've heard rumors like that for the past three Cups, but tell me, is there anything to this?

Amara answers.

"I don't know, Kath, but the truth is, she's quite old to be a professional athlete. Even Ravenspire's medical technology can't keep her young forever -- we could rebuild her body, I suppose, but she'd consider that cheating. With anti-agathics, she could live for decades, but football is a fairly demanding sport, you know. She's still one of the best players on our team, definitely pulls her weight, but even she's said she's no longer in her prime. If she ever feels she's not an asset to the team... yeah, she'd retire, no question. The team's always been first, with Sui-Ling. But if she feels up to it, she might be good for another Cup. I'd say ignore the rumors; we do."

Thanks again. Moving on to the final site... choosing a fourth location proved an arduous task for the committee in charge. There was a strong bid to host a match in the Virtual...

http://www.watch.impress.co.jp/internet/www/article/980609/soccer.jpg

...But it was pointed out that this would unduly advantage players from more technologically-advanced societies, as well as eliminating the importance of the physical body. There was also a strong bid from Chad Valley...

http://www.kiddstoys.co.uk/chadsoc.jpg

...But ultimately the organizers felt the bid was somewhat childish, citing worries about a lack of space in what is, admittedly, a tiny stadium. Ultimately, the decision fell in favor of Tir Faran.

Infographic
http://users.skynet.be/de_scherpschutters/Maraca.jpg
Justar Morgannan National Stadium, Tir Faran, Ravenspire
Group H
Location: Tuarra's Gap
Capacity: 102,985
Notes: Located just outside of Tir Faran, Justar Morgannan National is one of the oldest football stadiums in use today. A decade ago, it was renovated and expanded. The region is near sea level, and temperatures there are similar to Sargard's (see above), except in midsummer, when the temperature spikes. Sheltered by the mountains, weather in Tuarra's Gap is usually clear, but when rains do come, they are often torrential. The stadium is home to the Tir Faran Serpents, though no players from that side are among the Ravenspire starters.

Group H is another contender for "group of death," with two teams within the top ten and the lowest-ranked still seeded 36th. Runaway Moose, Oddslavo, Gesamtkuntswerk, and Aquilla will vie for the top two positions. Ravenspire sentiment is largely with Runaway Moose, with whom the Ravens shared qualifying groups in several World Cups past; they always found the Moose a good, clean, challenging match.

Finally, for all our visiting football fans, a brief acquaintance with Ravenspire law: practically everything is legal here, so long as it doesn't impose on the rights and freedoms of others. Alcohol, tobacco, and all other drugs are legal (parental discretion is advised); any form of consensual sexual activity between adults is legal; carrying any weapon not classified as a WMD is legal, as is carrying concealed; prostitution is legal; gambling is legal; public nudity is legal. Freedoms of speech and religion are guaranteed. The hurling of overripe fruit or vegetables at the Snub Nose cheerleaders is explicitly legal, thanks to a hastily-passed act; we understand it's a tradition that falls under both free-speech and free-religion laws.

However, rioting, assault, and vandalism are not legal, and the law tends to deal harshly with any crime that results in serious damage, either personal or financial.

Enjoy your stay!

This is Kathryn Malley, wishing all our viewers a good night.

Kathryn Malley, reporting for RNN

Los Polverines International Airport
Los Polverines, Porlamar

"You gotta let me on the plane," said Torrence.
"I'm sorry, but we're all full," said the woman taking tickets to the Amalgamated Airlines flight to Europa Brittania.
"But i'm Torrence Black, World Cup-striker!"
"Sure you are."
'I am!"
"Prove it."
"Let me get my papers."

Torrence looked. He'd left his ID and other various pieces of identification at home, or somewhere else entirely.

"Uhm..." he said.

The woman ignored him, and continued checking in World Cup fans flying to Europa Brittania.

---

Somewhere in Europa Brittania

Torrence stretched his arms.

Since being in a suitcase for a couple of hours is a fairly uncomfortable affair.

It was hard, but he'd made it to Europa Brittania in a somewhat timely fashion.

A Belmore(Stiker): Hi Boss, just come back from my TV apearence, it's great, they said when we get kicked out I can commentate on the matches.

A Belmore (Coach): Great, we haven't even started and youre thinking about when we will get kicked, great that is! At least we've got this great hotel for the duration. It's beautiful. Ravenspire is great.

A Belmore (Striker): Ah, Sir another probelem, we are going to Europa Brittania.

A Belmore(The other one): OK then get me plane tickets there and we need to get into a five star hotel...

A Belmore(Striker): Sir, sorry the five star hotels have been taken up by all the other teams, like Oglethorpia. But there is this very nice Bed and Breakfast.

A Belmore (Coach): I will never go to just a B&B.

To: Europa Brittania
From: The Belmore Family
RE: No Room in the inn

We have been forced to stay in a shoddy B&B, please get it sorted in 12 hours or there will not be 1 pereson in the world who does not know about this dreadful treatment.

OOC:
I'm so tired, I'm hardly getting any sleep, but if I don't post something I know I'll get shouted at. Can't think of anything good so...

IC:
[insert giant picture here that is bigger than the whole article]

[large headline stating the obvious e.g. We Won!]

Today [inset name of only player on team who scores goals] scored all the goals again, putting us through to the World Cup Finals.

OOC: Just got back from a hell of a lot of work. I looked at the groups in the scores thread but they seem to be wrong can someone please tell me the groups.

OOC: Just got back from a hell of a lot of work. I looked at the groups in the scores thread but they seem to be wrong can someone please tell me the groups.

I b'lieve those are the groups we're sailing with. Though Ravenspire did mention a possible playoff for the 4th spot in group 1.

<<scene: The Kingsford National walk up to the man at the counter in a 5 star hotel in Europa Brittania. Desypar arrives first.>>

Desypar: We have reservations.
Man: Yes, Under what name?
Desypar: Total n Utter Insanity.
Man: Ah, the penthouse suites. Here's your keys.
Desypar: Thanks.
<<a large dog appears out of nowhere>>
Dog: Scooby Dooby Doo!

*Lee Branson and Jeremy Jaffacake are having a casual chat after their interview*

LB: ....hey this hotel is pretty darn fine

JJ: its all sparkly and stuff *puff*

LB: yeah a.. hey, your not supposed to smoke that in here are you? this isnt audioslavia remember

JJ: yeah i know, but its ok for me

LB: why? are you immune?

JJ: no, im just a big dog. you cant impose sanctions on weed-smoking canines, not even in Europa Brittania.

LB: ah. Hey, theres the Kingsford team, ...wait a minute why are they wearing tank-tops, listening to George Michael and sporting 1980's homo-moustaches?

JJ: i think theyre trying to pass themselves off as the Total 'n Utter Insanity squad. look, one of them is faking being clever.

LB: oh yeah, and another one seems to be doing a great impression of a power-mad bitch

JJ: yeah theyre trying to be TnUIers alright, heh, those crazy kingsfordians. i bet they get away with it too. *puff puff*

LB: dude, your stoned..

JJ: its ok im a dog, hey, im gonna go say hello to the kingsford team

Man: ....enthouse suites. Here's your keys.

Desypar: Thanks.

JJ: Scooby Dooby Doo!!!!!!!!

LB: heh, stupid stoner

OOC: Hurrah for rivalries. 8)

Day 1 scores (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2082074#2082074) and tables are up.

Lackey: “Sir, apparently we are going to Ravenspire and not Europa Brittania.

Coach: “What!? Stupid god damn hosts, why can’t they make up their minds?!?”

Lackey: “Should I cancel the reservations?”

Coach: “Are you sure your parents were Audioslavicanalons?”

Lackey: “Huh?”

Coach: “Just ring ‘em up!”

------- 5 minutes later -------

Lackey: “Sir, they said we have already booked in.”

Coach: “What!?”

Lackey: “I said they said we have already booked in.”

Coach: “I heard you the first time dumbAS! Find out who it really is, then we can plot some revenge...”

OOC: 4 wins in a row! Take that, Aquilla! :P

Match report will be coming soon.

(OOC: mIRC reference here, Ogle ;p )

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Oglethorpia Punts Nikea
Opening World Cup Match a Debacle
by Markenin Markenel

EUROPA BRITTANIA(NP) - The Pandas looked sluggish and underprepared today in Europa Brittania.

The Nikean national side made its World Cup debut a forgettable one with a 3-0 drilling at the hands of Oglethorpia. The match started poorly and ended even worse off, as Nikea lost a player for the next match with The Belmore Family.

From the get-go, the Pandas looked very tired. They had lots of rest time, yet the flight from Nikea to Europa Brittania is very long, and it seemed as though a few players weren't over their jetlag yet. Olgethorpia scored early with a play that the Nikeans had seen many times before in qualifying, a very standard and unoriginal crossing play that had Lorinen Jaskertel watch the ball go past him, right to an Oglethorpia volley into the back of the net.

The next goal came late in the first half when Jaskertel was again caught out of position. He couldn't catch up to the speedy Olgethorpian forward, and blatantly brought him down inside the box, earning a red card and a penalty for Oglethorpia. Jeserin Renteritel got his fingers to the ball, but it was too powerful and blew into the net regardless. Nikea was down to ten men, and down two goals, going into the half.

A substitution was made at halftime, bringing Kerinen Irisiuene off in favour of Ekserin Pilseniuene. It helped little as Oglethorpia scored again in the 61st minute, this time off a corner kick that was headed in. Following this goal, the Oglethorpians sat back and held their lead, and the Pandas high-powered offence could get nothing going with only Jerin Istertel up front, who, along with Jeserin Renteritel, were the only Nikean bright spots. Istertel put a shot off the bar in the 88th minute, but it mattered very little. Renteritel kept his team from embarrassment, as the match could have easily gone to 6-0.

Things don't look very promising at all following this match. The Pandas looked absolutely atrocious, and the next match is with an equally tough Belmore Family. They will have to pick up the pace if they wish to move past the group stage. Other Group E action saw The Belmore Family dispose of Audioslavia 2-1.

[code:1:6ba2b6f0b4]
Olgethorpia 3 (Green 13, Black 38 PK, White 61)
v.
Nikea 0
[/code:1:6ba2b6f0b4]

----------------------------

#10 Oglethorpia v. Nikea L 0-3
#13 Belmore Family v. Nikea
#18 Audioslavia v. Nikea

Nikean Leading Scorers
Jerin Istertel - 6 goals
Keresin Keresiuene - 5 goals
Kerinen Irisiuene - 5 goals
Turinnen Mortethel - 3 goals
Kalainen Mersentel - 3 goals
Akitomo Sakai - 2 goals*
Seserin Serenitel - 1 goal
*His corner kick hit a hawk flying over the pitch and deflected into the net. The goal was credited to the hawk.

Queldas Hikari - Sports - Page 2

Nikean FA Says 'Plan for Victory Failed'

QUELDAS(NP) - Nikean Football Association officials were overheard today commenting on the failure of their "Plan for Victory".

A source inside the FA has told the Hikari that the supposed plan was to take the personal identification documents of one Torrence Black, star for the Oglethorpian national football side. To ensure his delay on reaching the chartered jet, they paid a local transient 50 mithrim to make continuous calls to his home in Oglethorpia, delaying his departure and forcing him to remain behind.

"Unfortunately for us, the man was more resourceful than we had anticipated," the source said through a voice modifier. "We heard rumblings from one elderly couple at the airport that a man had replaced their belongings in one of their suitcases. We were worried, and then when we saw Black kick our team's ass today, we knew that the suitcase man was him."

Our source also made reference to the "Family Crisis" and "Totally and Utterly Insane Impersonation" plans, which could reference the other opponents in Nikea's Group E, The Belmore Family and Audioslavia. He would not comment on them further as it may have hindered the operations.

We attempted to find the transient who made the calls, but he has disappeared from his usual home: the bench at the bus stop on the intersection of Moreniu Avenue and Okseni Street. Witnesses have reported seeing the man being led away by two tough looking individuals, mumbling something about a supposed 'hot meal', before two loud bangs were heard. No body has been recovered.

The Porlamar Tribune

Oglethorpia leads group E
Oglethorpia leads group E after a win over Nikea.

By Bill Christmas

SOMEWHERE IN RAVENSPIRE -- Oglethorpia faced off with Nikea, before a small contingent of Oglethorpian fans who made the long haul to support their team.

Luckily, the World Cup-squad lead by team captain Fernando Green didn't let those loyal fans down.

"Man, it's great to give all those travelin' fans a win. I just hope we can pull off a decent preformance in these next two matches," said Fernando following the match.

Strangely enough, it was Fernando who would score Oglethorpia's first goal in the 13th; a textbook cross from Kirk Calhoun and an orthodox shot into the goal.

Oglethorpian fans were not impressed at all by the goal; nothing like the flashy drives of Jorge White and Torrence Black, but nontheless the cheers arose for Oglethorpia had put one on the board, the score 1-nil.

Torrence Black would score the next in the 38th off a penalty kick -- 2-nil, Oglethorpia going into the half with a solid lead.

In the 61st Jorge White would round out the Oglethorpian victory, a header off Kirk Calhoun's corner.

Yamamoto-san in goal turned out a fine preformance, holding back the Nikeans from scoring any goals.

"It's good when Jorge and Torrence are scorin' goals for us, and better when Yamamoto-san is in his groove, keepin' the Nikean shots out of the goal," said coach Guy Picciotto.

Here are the results of matchday one for group E as they stand:

[code:1:f909221b44]
Matchday 1

Oglethorpia 3 0 Nikea
The Belmore Family 2 1 Audioslavia

---

Group E P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Oglethorpia (10) 1 1 0 0 3 0 3 3
The Belmore Family (13) 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 3
Audioslavia (18) 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
Nikea (44) 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0

[/code:1:f909221b44]

Oglethorpia, the top seed of group E just by a hair leads group E on merit of goal difference; so far a perfect record, Yamamoto-san having not given up a goal in the Nikea-Oglethorpia match.

The Belmore Family also secured a win, but a 2-1 victory puts them behind Oglethorpia once again on GD.

Nikea and Audioslavia can still pull themselves together on matchday two and 3 with both a tie and a victory; but if all goes well for Oglethorpia, they'll come out of the first round and advance to the second.

(OOC: mIRC reference here, Ogle ;p )

Heheh. It all worked out.

Queldas Hikari - Sports - Page 2

Nikean FA Says 'Plan for Victory Failed'

QUELDAS(NP) - Nikean Football Association officials were overheard today commenting on the failure of their "Plan for Victory".

A source inside the FA has told the Hikari that the supposed plan was to take the personal identification documents of one Torrence Black, star for the Oglethorpian national football side. To ensure his delay on reaching the chartered jet, they paid a local transient 50 mithrim to make continuous calls to his home in Oglethorpia, delaying his departure and forcing him to remain behind.

"Unfortunately for us, the man was more resourceful than we had anticipated," the source said through a voice modifier. "We heard rumblings from one elderly couple at the airport that a man had replaced their belongings in one of their suitcases. We were worried, and then when we saw Black kick our team's ass today, we knew that the suitcase man was him."

OOC: Ha. And you posted that before I accredited the penalty kick to Torrence Black.

Nikea's got some extra-sensory perception going on, or something.

[code:1:47d26b7b6d]
Group D P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Squornshelous (25) 1 1 0 0 4 2 2 3
Ravenspire (9) 1 1 0 0 3 1 2 3
Svecia (16) 1 0 0 1 2 4 -2 0
Kaze Progressa (59) 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0
[/code:1:47d26b7b6d]

Squornshelous-4
Svecia-2

By recording our first win against Svecia, we have put ourselves in a great position to qualify for the second round. If we beat Kaze Progressa, we are nearly guaranteed a position in the elimination rounds.

Liverpool England meet fellow-Qualifying Group member One Red Dot in Group A, current run over ORD is W3L0

Liverpool England 2 [Davhere 48th, Cannon 67th penalty]
One Red Dot 1 [player 11th]
Venue Europa Brittania

As ORD took an early lead today, the defending champions started to panic. Going into the break 1-0 down, a very rare occasion in World Cup 9, the team were dejected. However, an early second-half goal, three minutes after the restart, brought the teams back on level terms. A 67th-minute penalty after Paul Dussis was fouled in the box resulted in the winning goal, putting Liverpool England at the top of the Group.

The Columbia Times - Front Page

An Insane Win in Ravenspire

TIR ESELYN, RAVENSPIRE (PNC) -- The Bedistan Lions football team arrived in Ravenspire early yesterday evening in preparation for their first match of World Cup IX proper, to be played against Total n Utter Insanity.

"Well, I'm glad to be here," said coach Gene Barber upon the team's arrival in Tir Eselyn, Ravenspire's capital city. "Thing is, I don't even know if we're actually playing in Ravenspire or not. If we aren't, Mike's gonna have to pay for the flight to EB" -- here he indicated Mike Thomas, captain of the team and the only person to have played in every single one of the Lions' 71 matches to date. "But we're gonna beat that team. You know, the one with the long name." Midfielder Lisa Young was then heard sneezing in the background, seemingly on cue.

As it turned out, the team from TnUI was a little late arriving at Kowan Park. Rumor has it that the team had accidentally booked a room at a hotel in Europa Brittania instead. Even weirder, when we called the hotel in question, the receptionist stated that the TnUI team had actually checked in. A call into one of their rooms did indeed reveal activity inside, but the person on the other end seemed to have a slight Audioslavian accent in this reporter's opinion.

The first half of the game was fairly quiet, with both sides effectively dancing around each other trying to determine how to start. Midway through the first half, though, one Insanician forward got a little bold and decided to attack. Erik Oldenburg seemed strangely ill-prepared for this, and the simple shot whooshed past him into the net. 1-0 TnUI at the half.

Early in the second half, star forward Darren Morlock tried to even the score with a shot of his own. However, one of the TnUI defenders got a little overzealous and ended up tripping Morlock. Morlock would end up breaking his leg in the fall. The TnUI defender was red-carded and Morlock was taken off the field, replaced by Nannie Coder. Forward Javier Lewey would take the penalty kick and successfully equalize. Shortly afterward, a pass to Lewey from Briscoe would also find its way into the net, giving the Lions a lead that they would keep for the remainder of the match.

Darren Morlock, unfortunately, will be out for the next three matches, meaning he will not be seen again until the quarterfinals (assuming our team gets that far). In other Group B news, Gilmeecia and Snub Nose 38 drew, placing Bedistan solidly atop the group. Snub Nose is expected to be the next team to be eviscerated--er, that is, to play the Lions.

Final score:
Bedistan 2 (Lewey 61, 70)
Total n Utter Insanity 1 (24)

Strong Start Thrills Fans

Sargard, Ravenspire -- The Ravenspire Ravens got off to a strong start in their first match of the World Cup today, defeating the strongly-performing Kaze Progressa side 3-1.

The Progressans, who outperformed the other sides in group D during qualifying despite being seeded only 59th following the previous Cup, won the coin toss. They didn't hesitate to assert control of the match; striker Ekazen Waulino quickly drove into Ravenspire's half of the pitch, raising the specter of an early Progressan goal. He skillfully evaded newcomer Eileen Schiller's attempt to intercept him and passed to teammate Faiwe Irafma, who was in position to take the shot. Fortunately for the black and crimson, defender Fox Lee managed to clear the ball.

Throughout the first half, possession was dominated by the Progressans. The Ravens' offense managed to mount only one credible effort, a passing flurry between Kaede Kitsuki, Zhen Sui-Ling, and Arawn Frost that resulted in the home side's first goal, a shot by Kaede that narrowly eluded Progressan keeper Eaka Palera. The Progressans equalized the score only minutes later as Autumn Mistmarch failed to intercept a picture-perfect shot by Waulino. The half ended 1-1.

By the second half, however, the Ravenspire defense had begun to work as a more solid unit, turning aside several early attacks by the Progressans. Ten minutes into the half, a battle for possession resulted in a wild ball, and Eileen redeemed herself by reacting quickly to gain control. She passed to Kaede, but the star striker was unable to get by the Progressans' defense. Finally, she managed a clear pass to Sui-Ling, who, showing excellent form, put it into the upper corner of the net.

The final goal of the match came at the last minute as Kaede evaded Progressan defender Jaruna Jaff and, knowing time was about to run out, placed a last shot. To the fans' surprise and delight, the relatively weak shot went in, improving the Ravens' margin of victory to two goals.

"We're very happy," said Sui-Ling of the win. "It was almost vital to win this one, if we wanted to continue -- on paper, at least, it only gets harder from here. I have to say, though, the Progressans kept us on our toes. This was a closer match than the scoreline would seem to indicate. If they keep playing like this, they're going to be a force to be reckoned with in international football."

The Ravens next face Squornshelous, one of the highest-scoring sides during qualifying. It remains to be seen whether their defense can put a stop to Squornshelous' offense. "Their convincing win over Svecia today shows they're not a fluke," says Amara Akizuki. "If we play then like we played in our first half today, they're going to walk all over us. We can't afford that. Besides, it'd just be embarrassing to get eliminated in the first round, now that we're hosting."

You can bet that the Ravens will be giving it their all.

Goals:
Ravenspire
Kaede Kitsuki (32, 91), Zhen Sui-Ling (59)

Kaze Progressa
Ekazen Waulino (36)

(OOC: Edited for KP's names.)

The Cup of Harmony is Nigh

Coming Soon to the Shores, Fields, Plains, and Mountains of Warnocks Wizards

From our news services...

New Orthanc, Warnocks Wizards--Good news for football fans everywhere. The Cup of Harmony, the invitational tournament for active nations that just missed out on the World Cup, is a reality. The tournament will begin shortly and will feature 8 fine footballing nations:

Evisceratomatoes
NASTIC 2
Rejistania
Spaam
The Dragonian Empire
The Weegies
Tranquillitis
Warnocks Wizards (host)

Watch out for the Cup of Harmony, to kick off at the following link soon.

Cup of Harmony (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2084098#2084098)

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

The Sturms Strike Again
Oddslavo falls before Lightning Attack

Despite being placed in what was called a "Group of Death," the Gesamtkuntswerk Sturms failed to be intimidated. Playing aginst Oddslavo, against whom they've never lost in the qualifying rounds, proved to be more of the same. Leading the Sturms in another characteristic blitzkrieg assault, Tom Hertz spearheaded the first assault, scoring the first goal of the game in the 13th minute. Feeling the pressure of the game, Team Oddslavo pushed back against the tide of the Sturms. An error by Lawrence Conch yielded a goal-scoring shot onto Greg Schmucker, tying up the game just before the half.

The second half proved to be a difficult round for both sides. Knowing full well the next goal could be the last, the defence between the teams was mutually intense. Nevertheless, in the 71st minute, Chris Katter, in for James Bowie, scored from a third length, putting the Sturms in the lead and winning the game. Tim Wilder commented, "The Sturms have really pulled it together... thrice we faced the #7 team, and thrice have we secured our venues. We've two more games to play before we can move on, but we've pressed hard to go this far, and we're going to keep on pressing to the very end."

Coming off the high of a big win over neighbours Oglethorpia that got them an unexpectedly high second spot in their qualifying group, the Crocodiles faced a tough test on the opening day of World Cup 9.

The Lemmintanian curse.

"No, the curse is when we play in Lemmitania, not against Lemmitania," Bi Kikere told her players. "Also, there is no curse. We had some bad games in Lemmitania many years ago. There is no supernatural influence at work. There is no such thing as the supernatural, in fact. Although i had the strangest dream recently, Bobby...."

Tanah Burung is expected to be the whipping boy of its group. The Crocs are the lowest-ranked side, and can no longer coast on history. Commerce Heights is not afraid of them, having a considerably better record in recent years. Lemmitania lost to the Crocodiles in a friendly back in World Cup 5, but since then has seen the Crocs only as a laughing-stock visitor in WC 6 and 7.

And then there's Errinundera. In a Crocs-Longfeet match, it's a toss-up which side Tanah Burung fans would cheer for. Errinundrian footballers have drawn first affection, then admiration, and finally adulation from the fans in Tanah Burung. But despite a long-running exchange programme which produced some of the finest players on both sides, the two national teams have never met.

"We did great to make the Cup ahead of higher-ranekd sides, in the first year of our rebuilding programme," said Bi Kikere. "Anything that happens here is gravy. But we won't be intimated by any of these sides. We can beat Lemmitania, and we aren't intimated even by a former World Cup champion in the group -- we've defeated ex-champions before, and we can do it again."

Ariddia’s team arrived well in advance in Ravenspire, and spent several days training intensively, before taking a well-earned rest on the eve of the match.

"I can’t believe the luxury of this hotel. . ." player Sam Wood was overhead saying to his team mates. Back in Ariddia, where the government struggles to get housing for over one point two billion citizens, there is very little luxury in housing indeed. . .

The players were a little worried upon being told they would play in the somewhat dry conditions of the Seladrin Bright Memorial Stadium, as it contrasts sharply with the usually humid weather of the Ariddian Isles.

Team captain Ranjit Khan has said he is not bothered at the prospect of running and sweating during ninety minutes in these hostile conditions, despite now being over forty years of age.
"It’s Giant Zucchini we’ve come to play, not the weather," he told journalists. "An extra difficulty will just encourage us to do our best, though."


Giant Zucchini v. Ariddia

Terry Singh (commentator): "Well, we’re here in Ravenspire, for Ariddia’s first match in the final stages of this Cup. And this year is going to be harder than ever, as the team rankings are definitely against us."

Kim Kim (commentator): "True, but the team’s defensive playing has never been better."

GK: David al-Jibai (11)
DEF: Samuel Wood (17), Yves Sylvain (9), Wn Wahd (20), Wesley Davidson (1)
MID: Ranjit Khan (7, capt), Andrei Karel (15), Mikael Nyevich (19), Luc N’tula (12)
ATT: Myn Terrell (3), Yte Nyussun (6)


14th minute:
Kim: "Still a stalemate so far, with remarkably few attacks from either side, and no shots on goal from either team. The playing is very defensive, but they both know defensive doesn’t win you a match. . ."

Singh: "I think Karel has heard you! He’s pressing forward quickly. It’s intercepted but. . . out. Nyevich to play it back in, passes to Karel. Karel to N’tula. . . N;tula to Terrell. They’re definitely mastering ball possession. No, Terrell loses it, it’s played back up field by Giant Zucchini. . . Not for long. Wahd gets it, passes back down to Karel. Karel to N’tula, who tries to shoot from here. . . It’s in! A long shot, but it’s in! Ariddia opens the score!"


22nd minute:
Kim: "The Zucchinis pressing in dangerously close. . . Wahd intercepts again. He’s tackled. . . Oh, he’s down!"

Singh: "And not getting up. I’m not quite sure what happened here. . . I don’t think the Zucchini player was at fault."

Kim: "Well, the medics are moving in. It. . . looks like he’s hurt his ankle. He’s asking to be replaced."

OUT: W. Wahd (20)
IN: Duchantier (13)


38th minute:
Singh: "Ariddia is defending well, but Giant Zucchini isn’t giving them many opportunities to counter-attack, keeping them on the defensive. They have to break that strategy. . ."

Kim: "Bad communication here! Davidson misses the ball and. . . It’s a shot for. . . Duchantier intercepts with his foot! Oooh, that’s a foul! Ouch!"

Singh: "Dangerous. He swung his leg way too high. Kick to the stomach."

Kim: "Well, he’s out. Red card, and penalty kick. . ."

Singh: "An opportunity for Giant Zucchini to equalise. They play quickly. . . al-Jibai saves it! Beautiful save!"

Kim: "Still, we’re down to ten players."


41st minute:
Kim: "That’ll be a corner kick for Giant Zucchini. It’s shot and. . . Sylvain clears it with his head. There’s no one to get it, though, and the Zucchinis have it, shoot. . . That’s the equaliser."


OOC: Want to rp the second half?

West Ariddia met football giant Europa Brittania today and was soundly thrashed three-nil. Goalkeeper Lily Mayantar has this to say to the press after the game, wearing the suit she had swapped with the Brittanian goalkeeper.

"Well, what can I say, they were by far the better team. I’d like to apologise to our supporters, but I hope we didn’t let them down completely. We played as best we could against one of the most skilled teams in the world. Now we have to concentrate on our other matches. Nothing’s lost yet." She smiled. "Thanks, and wish us luck. And drink Swish-Fizz, our sponsors. . ."

The Porlamar Tribune

Superteam? More like "Wonderteam!"
Parliament renames World Cup team for a second time.

By Bill Christmas

TRIPOLI, MARACAIBO -- Parliament met earlier today in Tripoli, re-voting on the naming of Oglethorpia's World Cup-squad, now one match into the first round of World Cup IX. Apparently, George McDouglas' moniker of "Superteam" didn't last too long.

According to one Sven Erikkson, the proper term is not "Superteam" but "Wonderteam." "Ja, dat zilly Oglethorpian gots'it all vrong," said Erikkson.

Parliament, one to act quickly soon revoted on the adopted name of the Oglethorpian national side; and 102-8 (of 110) voted in favor of naming the "World Cup-squad" the Wonderteam.

"Tis a fery gut hhomagee to te Owstreeawn team," commented Sven Erikkson.

Oglethorpia's WONDERTEAM will be playing matchday two soon here abainst the Belmore Family.

"Ja, te Vonderteam bedder vin," Erikkson said as his closing comment before heading back into the drinking joint 'the Greasy Chopper.'

GAME ON

The WorldCup is finally on its way. With a very defensive team, Dennisov will try to reach as far as possible. Keeping an eye on reality shows that even reaching the second round will be an accomplishment.

The team hasn't showed the cohesion or team spirit needed to make a difference amongst all the other contenders. The fact that Dennisov is once again ranked third in the group doesn't bode well. The team will now face the stronger teams in the group first. A win in either one of these matches is critical.

First game, Halfassedstates v Dennisov

Dennisov's manager, Mario Lemieux, will probably start the following eleven: Cheevers, Provonost, Laviolette, Patrick, Clancy, Gardiner, Mackay, Conacher, Gillies, Gartner and Goulet.

Captain Clark Gillies said that even though the team has never played as defensive as this year, there is simply no other way to battle the other teams. "We will try and keep them from scoring first and then hope that we can manage to score a goal when they aren't looking," Gillies explained.

Teams draw in first game

Europa Brittania, Nov 12 (Denapr) - Dennisov moved a little bit closer to the second round, after a 1-1 draw with Halfassedstates in group G on Wednesday.

Dennisov are now tied for second in the group, two points behind Europa Brittania and one point in front of West Arridia, with their matches against the host and West Arridia still to play.

The visitors made a flying start on a rainy night when they took a shock 10th minute lead through full back Marcel Provonost, who headed home a well-taken corner at the near post.

Halfassedstates's keeper Brendan O'Malley had deflected a thundering Clark Gillies shot from the edge of the box and Provonost fired the visitors ahead from the resultant corner kick.

Halfassedstates, ranked 9 places higher, piled on the pressure but created few openings as their trademark one-touch football let them down on a rain-soaked pitch.

Their defender Bob Francis almost found the back of the net in the 37th minute but Dennisov's keeper Gerry Cheevers tipped his powerful header over the bar for a corner.

The home side launched a fierce onslaught after the break and got a deserved 51st minute equaliser, when James Milton weaved his way into the penalty area and drove home a crisp low shot from 13 metres.

Halfassedstates, cheered on by a partisan 20,000-strong crowd, came forward in search of a winning goal but were denied by some fine goalkeeping and solid defending by the Dennisov players.

Cheevers produced a string of fine saves in the final 15 minutes to deny Halfassedstates's captain Tom Thumb twice before he was substituted with 10 minutes left after a mid-air collision with Roy Conacher.

Dennisov's manager Mario Lemieux praised his men for a brave performance but warned that the next group match against the co-host Europa Brittania was a whole different game in which Dennisov would be lucky even to cross the halfway line.

"We did a great job to stay undefeated in Europa Brittania tonight but we still have to beat the other teams to finish it off. These matches is by no means a formality as they are both great sides," he said.

His sad and dejected counterpart Jarvis Smith said a difficult pitch had prevented his side from playing better football, adding that the World Cup was finally on its way for Halfassedstates.

"Dennisov fully deserves a berth in this year's World Cup and a chance to play for this year's cup, which is something we aspire just as bad. I don't know if I'll stay in charge but I would have traded my job for a win tonight," he said.

'Game of the Day' Theme fades....

Hello once again folks, I'm Gary Luniker and with me tonight as usual is Alun Hansun.

AH: Hello folks

GL: Tonight we're going to see how Halfassed get on in the first round of WC9, but first lets take a quick look at the final two games of qualifying.

'cuts to highlights of the final two matches - we see Nikea scoring, then Milton scoring twice, before Nikea equalise and the match ends 2-2. We then see Halfassed defeating Antaeus Rising 2-0 thanks to two Alf Gunnett strikes'

GL: Well, despite a shaky start to his management term at Halfassed, Jarvis Smith managed to get us through once again, and this time we came top of the group!

AH: Yes Gary, I can't quite figure out why the guy is getting so much stick from some sections of the Halfassed media. Fair enough we mightn't be running away with games as we did a few years ago, but the team is grinding out the results and keeping in their. As long as we are still in it, we still have a chance of winning!

GL: I think the very public fall out with Nea Hope caused problems, and while the team are winning, its isn't convincing, which means people aren't totally convinced by the job Smith is doing.

AH: Well personally I think he's exactly what we need, an foreiegn manager, who has had experience of the game both on and off the park and has led his own nation into the latter stages of the WC finals!

GL: And his own nation didn't really have much faith in him!!

AH: Well he's going to get the chance to prove them wrong isn't he!

GL: Hopefully he can,Halfassed have been drawn in Group G for these finals. This means Jarvis gets to return 'home' as gourp G is based in Europa Brittannia, and we even get to play EB in the group stages!

AH: Yep, EB, Dennisov and West Ariddia are Halfassed opponents. The timetable sees Dennisov up first, before we play EB and finish with WA.

GL: Well, if we leave the EB thing for now, Dennisov have a historic place in Halfassed WC history, back in the opening game of the group stages in WC 7, Dennisov became the first side to beat Halfassed over 90minutes in the finals, with a 2-1 scoreline. A repeat of that could put Halfassed in a whole lota trouble.

AH: A repeat of that, and I would fear for Smith's job!

GL: Well, through the wonders of delayed transmiision, we can now bring you the whole of the match live
*cuts to the match*

*we return to the studio just after the finish of the match*
GL: Well a 1-1 draw, not the result Halfassed would have hoped for, but at least we are still in with a shout.

AH: Yes, another loss to Dennisov would've been disasterous, but the woner strike from Milton helped secure the point, while Cheevers in the Dennisov goal was, well quite simply he was outstanding - it should've been a comfortable 3 or 4 goals for Halfassed in the second half.

GL: Thankfully though we were only 1-0 down at the break. It was an amazing reception the EB 'neutrals' gave their former coach, it almost seemed as though we were playing at home!!

AH: Quite strange Gary, especially as we are in the same group as their own team, I guess it must have been a quite intimidating atmosphere for the Dennisov boys, who performed admirably.

GL: Indeed, as Smith said afterwards, they deserve their place in the cup!

AH: He's clearly feeling the pressure, especially with the EB game next. Think we can do it?

GL: Well, I don't think we'll have so much of the home support in that game *hahaha*, but we did upset EB in WC6, we probably need to do it again, or at least get a draw to have any hope of qualifying for the second round.

AH: I think it'll be a close one, though the loss of Thumb will be a worry.

GL: Always sad to see a player taken off - especially in his final WC. If the team don't make it to the next round, that will have been his final match for Halfassed! Do you think Smith will have Le Madeer replace him?

AH: I would've thought so, Frank is the natural left footer on the bench and he has played well in the couple of matches that he has been on.

GL: Well we're just going to have to wait and see. Thats all from us tonight, join us again next time to see if Smith can get one over on his former employers!! Goodnight.

'slaves dissapoint in crucial match
gulf opens early in Group E

Under the sweltering sunlight of the Europa Brittania skies, The Belmore Family looked a better, fitter and more disciplined side than Audioslavia today.

Audioslavia opened the scoring early on after a brief, seemingly directionless spell of pressure saw winger Dipper lose controll over the ball and trip over the outstretched leg of Alan Belmore for a penalty. The scrappy foul was matched by the equally scrappy penalty as Wayne Bury took the oppotunity to stroke the ball too carefully and obviously towards the goalkeepers right. Luckily, the morning dew on the ball made it skim off the top of the unlucky keeper's hands and fall into the corner of the goal.

From the restart, The Belmore Family rallied, producing save after save from Davis and a goalline clearance from Jackson. The 'slaves soaked up the pressure as best they could in the sweltering heat, but TBF's sheer speed and fitness got the better of them five minutes before half time, as Laurence Wellden's silky run ended in a sharp pass and a goal for Mr. Golden Boot himself Alan Belmore. The next 5 minutes saw the 'slaves in disarray as Wellden himself hit the bar, and the half-time whistle could not come early enough.

The second half saw 2 changes in the 'slave lineup, with Ward coming on for the innefectual Wilton and Mill on for Lever. The Audioslavian side dominated the first 20 minutes of the second half, lord knows what the manager screamed at them in the tunnel but it worked. The 'slave side in the second half looked more like the disciplined workhorses that were used to seing in the red and green of Audioslavia, and the added flair of Mill and Ward, the two fastest players on the pitch, saw the 'slaves create chance after chance, most falling to Dipper and Bury, and therefore, most falling wide of the goal or over the bar.

As time went on, Audioslavian chances became few and far between and TBF, who had soaked up the pressure expertly, began to throw it back in the 'slaves faces. First Alan Belmore hit the post with a superb curling 30-yarder, and then midfielder Alex Dunner, with a superb display of individual skill, beat the majority of the Audioslavian back four and was unlucky to see his chip skim over the top of the bar.

The deadlock was broken 20 minutes from time as a one-two between Goshawk and Parkinson split the 'slaves midfield in two. Parkinson 'megged Branson and played a superb ball through for Alan Belmore to fire the winner past a stranded Davis.

Audioslavia ended the second-half much the same way as the ended the first one; in disarray. TBF controlled possesion the way the 'slaves are famous for, and a frustrated Lee Branson earned himself a second yellow card for a wicked swipe at Kshiz Ghandi, leaving the famous indian revolutionary injured and having to be stretchered off (OOC: feel free to fire an ignore cannon at this one :)) . TBF held on confortably for the 2-1 win.

Audioslavia: 1
Bury 15

The Belmor Family: 2
A. Belmore 41, 70

In the other game, Oglethorpia dominated a wide-eyed Nikea team, running out 3-0 winners and sitting on top of group E.

[code:1:b98efab438] Group E P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Oglethorpia (10) 1 1 0 0 3 0 3 3
The Belmore Family (13) 1 1 0 0 2 1 1 3
Audioslavia (18) 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
Nikea (44) 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0 [/code:1:b98efab438]

Audioslavia now face the huge task of having to play Oglethorpia and getting at least a draw if they want any chance of qualifying. A loss would send the 'slaves out if TBF get a win or a draw in their game against Nikea.

Match Review:

Busby v Kingsford

The game started off quite action packed as Busby attempted to attack quickly and get of to an early goal. A few minutes after kickoff a long shot from Busby's captain Gary Lloyd gave the Kingsford keeper an early touch, but he met it comfortably. A few shots were taken by Kingsford but Busby's new keeper Duncun Roberts did well and kept Kingsford strikers at bay. Boths sides defences were strong and strikers couldn't capitalize.

Throughout the game both sides held well and the final whistle blew. A well deserved draw form both teams.

Busby 0 Kingsford 0

Match of the day
Hello and welcome to match of the day highlights for TBF Vs Audioslavia. The teams are about to kick off so I hand you over to Alex and Simon Dungate

1st minute
Alex:Hello and welcome to TBF Vs AS, AS have the kick off so here we go, Dipper back to Willow, plays Goodwyn on, progressing about halfway down the pitch. Good Tackle by Joel Belmore, played down the wing to Goshawk, great curling shot, no, just over the bar but they now know what to expect from us.

Simon: Yes Joel's great pass down the wing lined up Goshawk who really could have scored from there, we've seen it before, the goal against Halfassedstates in the last WC for example.

3rd minute
Alex: Goal kick nicely taken to Lever, plays back to Jacks, now to Shearer, good play by the 'slaves backs. Wilton comes forward, side steps Ghandi now to Dipper, takes just past the halfway line, 4 minutes played still 0-0. Over to the left side of the pitch with Goodwyn, he's taken it to the edge of the box. Fires in a cross but nicely headed away by Alec. But AS regain possession with Harrison picking it up nicely. Laid off to Willow who crosses it onto Bury's head but it's straight into the goalies hands.

8th Minute
Simon: Yes we've played 8 minutes now and Audioslavia are looking quite good at the moment we need to pick up a bit and play a bit more for possesion.

Alex: Yes just then Tom's header went completely astray giving them a free shot. Now Will has really given this a boot, intercepted by Parkinson who taps it onto Wellden, this is what we're looking for. Now deep into the corner but a good tackle by Branson has given us corner. Dunner steps up to take. Played short to Joel and back into the center Dunner, nice 1-2 now the ball is played into the right with Parkinson Picks out Alan Belmore in the crowd. Nice header, GOAL! What the flag's up it won't count Alan's celebrating but it wont count for anythong, he was offside, dreadful shame for TBF. Almost 1-0 up but it'll be a free kick to Audioslavia.

11th minute
Lever with a simple pas to Jacks, nutmegs Goshawk and continues forward, goes left the pass to Goodwyn about halfway into our half. 12 minutes played. Dipper has it and knocks it on to Lever, outplaying the Belmorian defence. Many of the strikers are back now including Alan Belmore. Lever takes it into the corner, cross flies in but can only reach the head of Tom Belmore who gets it back to Jacks, Jacks takes it forward again, now through to Dipper its running away from him he's on the ground however, he's gone over Alan's leg and the ref is pointing to the spot it'll be a penalty for Audioslavia. It's going to be a booking for Alan aswell not good so early in the match. Wayne Bury is to take, strides up, hits it low and hard into the bottom left hand corner, 1-0 AS, lucky goal just bouncing over the keeper.

Simon: Yes that was a very lucky penalty with very little skill in it. We now really need to start firing up if we are to have any chance of winning this match.

16th Minute
Alex: So TBF have centre, Belmore to Wellden, Wellden back to Ghandi, Ghandi back to Alec who blasts it forward for Goshawk, chested down by Goshawk played through to Belmore, attempts a shot, Oh! Just over.

OOC:OK I am getting bored now

40th Minute
Alex: Goshawk to Parkinson, and back Goshawk, on the edge of the box now, Parkinson gets it back and what a cross to Belmore….. YES!!!!!!! Goal! What an amazing header. TBF are back in the game with a great strike from Alan. He really does his team proud. What a goal. TBF now have 60 minutes in which to score a goal to win this match.

HALFTIME

70th Minute
Alex: It’s Wellden takes through. Just over the halfway line. Passed Dipper, Harrison attempts a sliding tackle but Wellden easily sidesteps around him. The AS team are exhausted a shoddy. Wellden now just outside the box, megs Jackson Alan Belmore is up as well Wellden is 1 on 1 with the goalie, touches it to Belmore, GOAL!!!!!!!!!! TBF have the vital winner and 3 points almost certainly now. Great touch Belmore, slicing it proudly into the back of the net. TBF 2 Audioslavia1.

85th Minute
…Ghandi has it now passed it on to Goshawk. Dreadful tackle by Branson Ghandi has done his ankle, he’s holding it in pain. It looked like a double footed tackle by Branson. The Ref is got a yellow out, that is two for Branson, he’s off their ten men. Ghandi has been stretchered off.

FULL TIME
THE BELMORE FAMILY 2
Alan Belmore (41, 70)

AUDIOSLAVIA 1
Wayne Bury (pen 15)


We can confirm that Ghandi has sprained his ankle and will not be able to play in any further cup matches.

OOC @ Ravenspire: Eaka Palera would have started in goal, not Elin Faeka, and Faiwe Irafma (national legend, scored >75% of our qualifying goals) would have started in place of Mowgi Jugla.

IC: From the Daily Kangaroo:

BEATEN BUT NOT BLOODIED

Kaze Progressa couldn't have imagined a more intimidating way to make their historic World Cup debut. Meeting a team 50 places above them in the world rankings is one thing; meeting them at their own national stadium, with a whole nation uniting behind them of which the near-200,000 fans inside the ground was but a fraction, is quite another.

The Progressans' best hope was that the weight of national expectation would weigh on the hosts and as they kicked off, it was easy to discern that this was precisely the weakness the Progressans wished to exploit. They searched for an early goal hoping it would break the side's resolve, and nearly got one within three minutes. Ekazen Waulino's powerful sprint left Eileen Schiller stranded, and Waulino found the legendary Faiwe Irafma in a perfect position. Or so it seemed. Irafma's shot was deflected off Fox Lee before Autumn Mistmarch ever knew it was coming.

The Progressans took heart from this start, and continued to take control of the ball. The Ravenspire team were, just as hoped, cracking under the pressure, and Irafma was only denied by Mistmarch on fifteen minutes from as many yards. Aqizen Muqlin also came close to giving the Progressans the lead three minutes later when a half-hearted clearance from a cross by Lee was slammed back towards goal from 25 yards, forcing Mistmarch into an unorthodox acrobatic save which fortunately for him deflected towards Schiller and not the waiting Irafma.

Then the moment which proved why Ravenspire are ranked among the top ten sides in the world came on 32 minutes. Kaede Kitsuki lobbed the ball elaborately over Muqlin and Zhen Sui-Ling, who then received a side-footed volley from Arawn Frost. Sui-Ling returned the favour with a first-time pass of his own, before Frost's glorious through-ball found Kitsuki. Kitsuki sidestepped Garaz Zarli and faked another pass, to Sui-Ling, before her low shot curled through a tiny gap between Palera's outstretched hand and the post to a delerious roar of approval from the crowd.

Somehow, the Progressans took this as the spur to respond. Within a minute, Irafma burst past Schiller and slammed the ball with great power, forcing Mistmarch into making a save of great bravery. Then on 36 minutes, Muqlin's surging diagonal run set up Irafma, who faked a shot before selflessly laying the ball off to Waulino. With Mistmarch unbalanced, Waulino's glorious shot was always heading for the back of the net. The ground was silenced save for a few thousand delerious Progressan fans on the upper tier of one stand.

The match was still level at half-time, and Fayu Owa - inspirational super-sub of the nation - was bought on in place of Fek Inhea in an attempt to keep the Ravenspire side on the ropes. It was unsuccessful, not because Owa was ineffectual but because the Ravenspire side had used half-time to regroup effectively. Just before the hour mark, Schiller pounced on a loose ball, setting up Kitsuki. Garaz Zarli and Jaruna Jaff both pounced on Kitsuki, but this merely enforced a pass to Sui-Ling who slammed the ball into the top corner.

Man-mountain Maunkaj Jawelin was thrown on in place of Garaz Zarli for the last ten minutes as the Progressans searched for an unlikely draw, but the inevitable counter-attack in injury time, after a succession of corners enforcing heroics by Lee and Mistmarch, sent Kitsuki through. Her gentle curled shot around Palera settled matters, but the fans' ecstasy was at least partly relief.

The Progressans play Svecia in their next game knowing that they are still in with a real chance of qualifying. Two victories would almost certainly send them through even now, unlikely as this is. But the Progressans know that they have so far achieved their objective of avoiding international humiliation.

This week in news:
Presented by the Kingsford Today Newspaper
---

From Oglethorpia:
Just Kidding!
We at the Oglethorpian association of futebol would like to apologize for all the dire confusion we have caused through our name changing. From now, on, whenever we change our name, we'll give you a fair warning. We promise. And we would also like to apologize because we had firmly denounced the Wonder-ocity of our team, and now we embrace it. We also apologize for spelling football in such a funny way.

In related events, Parliament has announced that after World Cup 9, the Oglethorpian futebol side will be known as P. Diddy.
---

From The Belmore Family:
Belmorians bored with the World Cup
During a news cast with Simon and Alex Dungate during the "Match of the Day," another broadcaster, known only by his apparent initials and nothing more, was noted to comment:

"OK I am getting bored now"

We at the Belmore Family do not know what this means, however, and have immediately assumed that it means that this character, initialed OOC, speaks for all of us in saying that we are, infact, bored of the World Cup. Because of this, we wish for all Belmorians in Europa Brittania and Ravenspire to return back to The Belmore Family, and encourage everyone to stop watching the cup on TV, along with reading about it in the newspaper.

When an out of towner stopped to wonder if "Maybe this OOC doesn't speak for everyone... maybe he's not real." we dismissed his thought because we're just a nation of inbreds and our simple minds can't comprehend it.
---

From Belmorian Scandinavia:
Match Reports Lacking!
Our Match Reports suck.
---

From Dennisov:
Former Hockey Star Now Manager
Dennisov officials said today that our current World Cup manager is not related to the hockey star of the Pittsburgh Penguins, Mario Lemieux. However, many of our citizens are questioning this statement, because of the black curly mullet. They are also questioning because he seems to leave the position and then come back every other month.

some funny stuff \o/

\o/ brilliant :D

and now ive finished my essay sooooo........

g'nite bitches

Ninth time lucky?


As the ninth consecutive World Cup campaign begins in earnest, one of the tournaments oldest particpating team heads into familiar territory under new guise. Now without an established manager, having lost Jarvis Smith to the national Halfassedstates side and no longer having the fantastic abilties of previous WC teams to call apon, EB is treading somewhat carefully through this campaign.

Caretaker Manager Alistair Hughes spent an exhuastive three months taking every training session personally in an attempt to assess what would indeed be his best, starting eleven. five friendlies followed against domestic Brittanian sides, the results made indifferent reading.


National friendlies played

Opposition Score

FC Atlantis XI W 3-2

Khandrias Utd. L 2-0

Junon Rangers W 4-1

Western Utd. W 1-0

Safehaven D 2-2



And now, they have begun the long, rocky road to once more attempting to win the ultimate prize, the cup itself.


Against W. Ariddia, a side they had never met in competitive or friendly action, Alistair branded his own mark apon the international side, his starting eleven playing 4-3-3-



------------------------------------Mark Reeves-----------------------------------


Kainyon-------------------O'Hanrahan----------Zlichrix---------------------Stacey


-----------------------------Huntly----Kiewitz---Stalhan----------------------------


------------------------------Lester---Lionel---Lomardi-----------------------------



The fielded eleven bore only the barest hints of the Jarvis Smith reign. Mark Reeves, Brittanian no. one goalkeeper for nearly ten years, entered so again for his final World Cup campaign, Gordon O'Hanrahan begins his first real campaign, having been a squad player under Smith. Lionel, an established star of FC Atlantis, and deputy to the legendery Andew Zurich during Smith's tenure is now first choice. Seventeen year old Lester and eighteen year old Lombardi also partner Derek up front. Save for Huntly, an entirely new midfield of Christian Kiewitz and Varhalen Stalhan.

With the average age of a squad player now an astounding twenty one years of age, questions have been asked as to wether the quality and experience that oozed from previous campaigns is still intact.

During a rare interview, Alistair added-

"We face a problem. Home grown talent has always been a Brittanian speciality. Andrew Zurich, David Winters, Rusel Cannon....The list continnues. However we suffer from timing. Quality players seem to arrive en masse. They do not appear seperatley. This squad posesses no mercurial hitman, or unstoppable goal machine. My team is formed from a vacuum of stars. Perhaps at the next WC, or later those fantastic players will once more rear their heads. But until then, I can do no more."


UPDATE

EB off to winning ways.

Brittania's young babes began this WC with a win, soundly defeating W. Ariddia 3-0. The opposition were credited for their "Giant-killing" approach. Squaring off against EB with flowing, attacking football that nearly netted them a goal on several occasions.

Goals from Lionel and Kiewitz established a two goal lead that W. Ariddia paid no heed to, though a penality in the dying minutes made sure three points would find their way back to the co-hosts.

Speaking after recieving his man-of-the-match award, Brittanian No. One Mark Reeves, donned in the W. Ariddia goalkeeping jersey, had this to say-

"I'm relishing the every game now. And playing against a team like the Westies [W. Ariddia] Was frankly refreshing. They came at us from the whistle, and never shirked a tackle or chance. I would love to play domestically there when my international days are over, becuase frankly, they know how to play their football and treat their games with total respect."

FINAL SCORE-

Europa Brittania 3 West Ariddia 0

Lionel 15

Kiewitz 33

Zlichrix 86 [Pen]

some funny stuff \o/

\o/ brilliant :D


Thanks, I try.

Besides, no one really hates me... I'm trying to make some more rivalries.

AF Headquarters
Los Polverines, Porlamar

It is a spartan press room.

Behind a podium stands George McDouglas, facing 30 or so reporters.

McDouglas begins speaking. "I didn't think it would be that big of a deal if I got the name wrong," said the man of fourty. "Superteam, Wonderteam -- they mean nearly the same thing. The only people who care are those Kingsforders."

Immediately, in the middle of the crowd rose a Kingsforder woman -- a rather unattractive reporter. "It's true. You've switched names twice this Cup!"

"With all due respect," said McDouglas, "two times across one Cup is little to have such a fit about. Such a fit, in fact that other members of the Kingsforder press had to release a story on it. Oglethorpia has been in six World Cups -- name jostling is a far smaller matter than you make it."

The woman sat down, jotting some things down, then avoiding the eyes of McDouglas.

"Any other questions?" McDouglas asked, now with a pleasant demeanor after having "told off" the Kingsforder reporter concerning the issue of name changes.

With that, McDouglas sat down, allowing the reporters to file out of the room.

A World News Update:
Presented by the Kingsford Today Newspaper
---

From Oglethorpia:
Proof Government is Stupid!
Yesterday, published in this newspaper, was an article critiquing our own name changing. This article was also published in a special Weekend Satire pamphlet called "This Week in News" in Kingsford, presented by The Kingsford Today Newspaper. However, earlier today the government help a press conference in Los Polverines, admitting their mishap and blaming the Kingsford Press for making a field day out of it; whereas infact, it was us, at this Oglethorpian established newspaper, that published the story. Not a newspaper or newstation in Kingsford published it. Due to the press conference, we have received some interesting letters from Kingsford National supporters. Here are some of our favorites:

"To the Los Polverines Times:
I find it extremely hilarious that your government would accuse us of jaunting at their name, when it was, infact, you. Because of this accusation, I would jump on the oppurtunity to see these two football.. or, erm.. futebol sides play eachother into what seems to be a rather igniting rivalry.

-Tom Huston
Byrana, KN"

"To our good friends at the Los Polverines Times:
First off, wow. I cannot believe that they actually thought it was Kingsford Today! Those guys have less humor than the Belmorian satirists. This is classic. I would love to see a football match between these two sides, and John Madder definately has to commentate. Oh yeah. That'd rock.

-Clint Rayis
Findlay, KN"

"ia m form teh bemlore famliya nd i tinhk tat yuo shod loose tuu s.

-aaln bemlore
persydint"

The Porlamar Tribune

Gandhi imposter injured
The Belmore Family's national team is home to a Gandhi imposter.

By Bill Christmas

"Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man."

Mahatma Gandhi.

Pacifist, buddhist, and loved man among the world.

Dead for quite awhile, and yet his name has been stirred up in the presses again by a paticular player from the Belmore Family; his name being Branson Ghandi.


FROM: NEWS SOURCE WITHIN THE BELMORE FAMILY

We can confirm that Ghandi has sprained his ankle and will not be able to play in any further cup matches.



"You've got to be kidding me," was the outward reaction of Wonderteam coach Guy Picciotto. "This guy -- Branson, or whatever -- he's obviously trying to play off the popularity of Mahatma Gandhi. He's trying to ride on Gandhi's coat trails."

When Picciotto was told that the imposter Gandhi had broken his ankle, Picciotto could only say "good."

Similar reactions were illicited from team captain Fernando Green. "Man, Gandhi's name is like the number of some amazing futebol player. It has to be retired. It's not cool for some futebol player to be running around with his name -- it's misleading, and that guy isn't even all that great."

It is yet to be seen if Fernando Green's sentiment towards Branson Gandhi will influence his playing vs. the Belmore Family on matchday three.

Needless to say, the Oglethorpian sentiment towards Branson Gandhi using the buddhist's name is none too popular.

"The Oglethorpian sentiment towards Branson Gandhi is none to popular," said a local Extra Sensory Perception master. "It's a good thing he did break his ankle, otherwise I dunno what Fernando Green would do to him."

The Maracaibo Post

Kingsforders denounced!
Kingsforder operatives denounced in police roundup

By Dwight Hamilton

TRIPOLI, MARACAIBO -- Today the Oglethorpian Police arrested 25 Kingsforder government operatives, secretly working in Tripoli and releasing fabricated newspapers under the guise of respectable Oglethorpian papers.

"It's good we caught these bastards," said Darren Orum, local police chief. "It's clear they've been in cahoots with the government and other Kingsforder newspapers; obviously contacting them so that they may release offensive messages towards the real paper's writers and staff."

The 25 arrested Kingsforder writers have been releasing counterfeit news stories, akin to the one below.


From Oglethorpia:
Proof Government is Stupid!
Yesterday, published in this newspaper, was an article critiquing our own name changing. This article was also published in a special Weekend Satire pamphlet called "This Week in News" in Kingsford, presented by The Kingsford Today Newspaper. However, earlier today the government help a press conference in Los Polverines, admitting their mishap and blaming the Kingsford Press for making a field day out of it; whereas infact, it was us, at this Oglethorpian established newspaper, that published the story. Not a newspaper or newstation in Kingsford published it. Due to the press conference, we have received some interesting letters from Kingsford National supporters. Here are some of our favorites:

"To the Los Polverines Times:
I find it extremely hilarious that your government would accuse us of jaunting at their name, when it was, infact, you. Because of this accusation, I would jump on the oppurtunity to see these two football.. or, erm.. futebol sides play eachother into what seems to be a rather igniting rivalry.

-Tom Huston
Byrana, KN"

"To our good friends at the Los Polverines Times:
First off, wow. I cannot believe that they actually thought it was Kingsford Today! Those guys have less humor than the Belmorian satirists. This is classic. I would love to see a football match between these two sides, and John Madder definately has to commentate. Oh yeah. That'd rock.

-Clint Rayis
Findlay, KN"



"Just take a look at those two 'letters,'" says Chief Orum. There are no such people as Tom Huston and Clint Rayis. At least, not Kingsforder citizens. You see now, the extent of the fabrication?"

"To think that the Kingsforder government and it's citizens would accuse Oglethorpians of writing those two slanderous stories," said Commerce Bureau Director Paul Baker. "Glad they caught those dirty Kingsforders."

The Oglethorpian Police will be holding the 25 captured Kingsforder forgers until real charges can be brought against them, due to the beauty of the Oglethorpian justice system.

The government hopes that with these 25 counterfeiting newspaper writers caught, the source of fabricated news stories will cease.

nevermind.

Day 2 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2094613#2094613) and tables are up, now that the forums are working again.

<OOC>Day two results are up already? Holy crapalouie. Well, here's part one of the day one match report. For those who think my posts are too long, this is fuel to the fire.

Oh, and, KN and Aud, I'm honored and amused by your references to a certain post by Gilmeecia.</OOC>

Live from Europa Brittania, this is Glick Masterson for the Lemmitanian Radio Network. Tonight, we bring you first-round action in the Ninth edition of the World Cup. The twelfth-ranked Lemmings are poised to make a run for the Cup, and some say this is the best chance they’ve had at the championship in twelve years. They’re starting off against perennial power Tanah Burung, in a match with more subtext than you could shake a dead cat at. We’re thirty minutes from kickoff, and joining me in the booth is special color commentator Lana Maelstrom to discuss some of the history going into tonight’s match.

Lana: Evenin’, Glick. Good to be ‘ere, as always.

Glick: Lana, many within the Burungian footballing establishment trace all of the Crocodiles’ difficulties these past twelve years to Lemmitania. Not the Lemmings, but the nation itself.

Lana: Or to be precoise, the ‘ellmouth which apparently resides beneath the streets of Lemmington, Glick.

Glick: Which subject we’ll be touching on in more detail momentarily. Now, the Crocs were one of the top-ranked teams in the world before their “brush” with Lemmington. It was World Cup Six, which was unexpectedly held in Lemmitania, that began their troubles.

Lana: Failed to get out of the secon’ round, and that spelled the end of Bi Kikere’s first tenure as coach.

Glick: Then World Cup Seven: the Crocs had Guntur Ruak at the helm, and once again the tournament brought them to Lemmington.

Lana: Bit o’ bad luck, that. Six of eight groups played in Audioslavia, one in good ol’ Lemco City, and one in Lemmington; an’ of course, the Crocs got stuck in the Capitol City.

Glick: Bad luck if you subscribe to the notion that their mediocre performance could be attributed to the Hellmouth.

Lana: Wull, of course.

Glick: In Seven, Tanah Burung failed to advance to the second round for the first time. It dropped them out of the top twenty teams in the world, and at the time, seemed to be a low point. That was when the allegations that Lemmington was built above a Hellmouth first came out.

Lana: It seems as loikly a reason for the Crocs’ demise as any, ‘f’you ask me.

Glick: And that was the end of Coach Ruak’s tenure. And was the final time the Crocs played in Lemmington.

Lana: They boycotted Lemmington, an’ rightfully so.

Glick: I don’t know about a boycott. If they were to meet the Lemmings in qualifying some time--

Lana: ‘ey’d insist on a change of venue if they know wot’s good for ‘em.

Glick: At any rate, the Crocs failed to qualify the next time around, and dropped all the way to thirty-ninth in the world rankings.

Lana: Missin’ out on Eight was a crushin’ blow. Ever’body assumed that Ab Francisco would be able to pull the Crocs out of their eight-year funk.

Glick: Well, they did worse in Eight than in any other Cup, which some would say disproves the theory that a Hellmouth under Lemmington is responsibile for their performance.

Lana: Some would say that’s a cop-out, Glick.

Glick: Agreed. You can’t blame your performance on supernatural forces--

Lana: Wot?! ‘oo says you can’t?

Glick: Well, for one, you just said that blaming your losses on a Hellmouth is a cop-out.

Lana: I never did. I said that claimin’ there ain’t no ‘ellmouth is a cop-out!

Glick: Oh. Is that what you meant?

Lana: Of course I did. Look, everybody knows the Evil’s been leakin’ outta that ‘ellouth at an increasin’ rate on account of the gover’ment failin’ to do the decent thing an’ put a cap on it.

Glick: Is it?

Lana: Accordin’ to the latest figures, eight years ago Evil was tricklin’ out at a mere 16 eppccpm. Whereas now--

Glick: Sixteen what?

Lana: Eppccpm. Whereas now--

Glick: What?

Lana: Wot, do I ‘ave to spell it out for you?

Glick: It sounded like you were already spelling it out. And the letters you tossed out there all came to nought.

Lana: Eppccpm: Evil parts per cubic centimetre per minute. Basic ectophysics, Glick. Everybody knows wot eppccpm is.

Glick: And this is measured how?

Lana: With an Evilmometer. ‘ow else?

Glick: Of course. An Evilmometer.

Lana: Anyroad, it was at sixteen eight years ago, and now it’s up to--

Glick: And what exactly is an Evil “part,” exactly?

Lana: Part. A part. Less than a ‘ole.

Glick: Less than a hole?

Lana: Exac’ly.

Glick: What’s less than a hole?

Lana: Is ‘at a riddle?

Glick: I’m trying to figure it out.

Lana: Less than a ‘ole is a part. Obviously.

Glick: What does that mean?

Lana: Look. Say you ‘ave the ‘ole thing. Then you take a part of it. Then you ‘ave a part. Simple.

Glick: Ohhhh. You were saying “whole.”

Lana: No, I was sayin’ ‘ole.

Glick: I mean as opposed to “hole.”

Lana: See, to me, those both sounded the same when you jus’ said ‘em.

Glick: I distinctly pronounced “wh” as opposed to “h.”

Lana: Wotever.

Glick: Whatever, indeed. I’m getting word now that the live feed is ready, and we’re about to hear from our men in Lemmington, Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson.

Grant: ‘ullo! ‘ullo! Can you ‘ear me? ‘ullo!

Glick: We can hear you, Grant.

Grant: ‘oo is that?

Clem: It’s Glick. Who else?

Grant: I dunno. I can’t see ‘im.

Clem: Because he’s not here.

Grant: An’ yet, oddly enough, I can ‘ear ‘im.

Glick: I’m on the live feed, Grant. From Europa Brittania.

Grant: It’s bloody dark down ‘ere, Glick.

Glick: Yes, that’s right. Grant and Clem are currently beneath the streets of Lemmington. To remind our listeners, they’ll be exploring the environs of the Lemmington Hellmouth throughout tonight’s broadcast, and reporting on what they see.

Lana: Oh, they’ll see ‘orrors.

Glick: Perhaps. How are things down there, gentlemen?

Clem: Dark, dank, and a little stinky, Glick.

Grant: One would almost think we’re in a sewer.

Glick: So you are.

Grant: Wot?! ‘oo’s blinkin’ idea was it to send us into a sewer?

Glick: The sewer’s the purported entrance to the alleged Hellmouth.

Lana: Wot’s with all the “purporteds” an’ “allegeds,” Glick?

Glick: We’ll just see what’s with the “allegeds.”

Lana: An the “purporteds?”

Glick: Them too.

Clem: I’d just like to state for the record that if LRN thinks they’re gonna get me to sign another contract for the same they’re paying me now, they’ve got another think coming. You hear that, Milton? My current salary’s a pittance! I’m gonna freakin’ soak you next time!

Glick: For the edification of our listeners, Clem is addressing Milton Gadfly, General Counsel for the Lemmitanian Radio Network.

Clem: If you think you can sneak an “Any required workplace” clause into my contract and not have to pay the consequences, you’ve got another think coming!

Grant: That’s wot you said on the las’ one. You’ve gotta think of another invective to scream.

Clem: I’m too pissed off to think. Freakin’ sewers of freakin’ Lemmington. I’m this close to walking off the job. This close!

Grant: For the edification of our listeners, Clem’s ‘olding up ‘is thumb an’ forefinger, and they’re about... wot would you say, Clem, a centimeter apart?

Clem: Seven milimeters.

Grant: That’s pretty damn close to walking off the job, folks.

Glick: But being the consummate professional, you’ll see the broadcast through to its end, I trust?

Clem: ...freakin’ professionalism. Yeah, I’m gonna see it through, Glick.

Grant: ‘atta boy. Give it the old--

Clem: Shut up.

Glick: So at this point you’re very near the surface, is that correct?

Grant: All we’ve done so far is climb down the ladder from the man’ole.

Glick: And describe for our listeners what your situation is. You’re wearing some protective gear, I take it?

Grant: Wull, I’m decked out in some sort o’ rubber suit wot keeps anything from crawling up me pant let and bitin’ me willy off. An’ it covers the rest of me body, too. Also these long rubber gloves. It’s a bit ‘ot, Glick. Not the leas’ bit comfortable, actually, but I understan’ these suits are ecto-proof, an’ they’ll protect us from mos’ sorts of demonspew.

Clem: The hell they will. They’re just sewer suits, Glick. The kind any sewer worker would be wearing.

Grant: Are you serious? You mean we’re vulnerable to demonspew in these things?

Clem: There’s no such thing as demonspew.

Lana: Poor, misguided Clem.

Grant: If they ain’t protectin’ us from demonspew, why the ‘ell are we wearin’ ‘em?

Clem: I don’t know... maybe to keep the raw sewage off of us?

Grant: Wull, if they ain’t demon-proof, I’m takin’ mine off.

Clem: Are you crazy? We’re wading in shit here, Grant--

Grant: No, no, no, you can’t say that on the air, Clem. You forgot. That’s a fine of-- I forgot ‘ow much. But you’ve gotta pay up.

Clem: You lost the power to levy fines when you lost the title Dean of sports, my friend.

Glick: Grant was never Dean of sports!!

Clem: Oh, yeah. Heh heh.

Grant: Wot Clem meant to say was, we’re wadin’ in shite ‘ere.

Glick: So you’re going to keep your suit on, Grant?

Grant: Why for?

Glick: Because of the shite you’re wading in.

Grant: Oh, ‘e meant that metaphorically.

Clem: No I didn’t.

Grant: Anyroad, I don’t see no shite.

Clem: That’s only because it’s too dark to see.

Grant: Wull, ‘ere’, I’ll shine me torch on the water.

Clem: Ugh.

Grant: Oog.

Glick: What is it?

Grant: I ain’t gonna take me suit off, Glick.

Glick: A wise decision, I suspect.

Lana: An’ wit’ that, they’re off.

Glick: What d’you mean?

Lana: I mean, metaphorically. In the sense ‘at the game’s begun.

Glick: Oh, shite!

Clem: Now you know how I always feel, Glick. Heh heh.

Glick: Shuddup, Clem. So it looks like Tanah Burung’s starting with possession. Right now Bibere has it, and she’s moving up the field. Now, Clem and Grant will be making their way deeper into the Lemmington sewers, and we’ll be hearing from them a little later in the broadcast.

Lana: Assuming, that is, that they’re still alive.

Grant: Wot’s at?

Glick: Of course they’ll still be alive.

Lana: We can only ‘ope for the best, an’ keep ‘em always in our thoughts, Glick.

---

Glick: So at twenty-two minutes in, we’ve got no score on a match that’s been heavily defensive so far. Coach Kikere’s relying on her team’s strength, playing back and waiting for the Lemmings to make a mistake; and Coach Mickelson’s been pressing his strikers, looking for that opening, without finding it. And joining us once again from the sewers of Lemmington are Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson.

Grant: Nothin’ much to report so far, Glick. We’re about two miles deeper into the depths of the unknown, but nothin’ too excitin’s ‘appened so far. I did see a boot, an’ wot we think moight ‘ave been an alligator, but other than that, nothin’ much.

Clem: You know what it is down here, Glick? A shite-fest.

Glick: A what?

Clem: A shite-fest.

Lana: That’d be loik, a festival of shite, I think, Glick.

Clem: Bingo.

Glick: How colorful.

Clem: You want colorful? How about I tell you some of the things Lemmingtonians have been flushing down the toilet lately?

Glick: No, I think we can dispense with the toilet humor. What sort of supernatural phenomena have you been experiencing so far?

Clem: Not a thing.

Grant: Wull, there was[i/] the alligator, Clem.

Clem: That wasn’t an alligator.

Grant: It was a [i]were-alligator, mebbe.

Clem: Not even.

Lana: I unnerstan’ thet were-alligators are rampant beneath Lemmington. People buy ‘em for pets, an’ then when they grow up all big an’ Evil, they flush ‘em down.

Clem: Okay, first of all, that’s not were-alligators, which, for the record, don’t exist. I’ve never even heard of were-alligators before. And second of all, the whole thing about people flushing alligators down the toilet after buying ‘em for pets is a myth.

Grant: No it ain’t! I read all about it.

Clem: Where, on the Internet?

Grant: No, tho’ that’s an excellent source of reliable information. I read about it in a book.

Clem: What book?

Grant: I forgot.

Clem: It wouldn’t happen to be V[i/], by Thomas Pynchon, would it?

Grant: No. Never ‘eard of it.

Clem: ‘Cause that’s a novel. Not true, you know.

Grant: The ‘ell you say! Pynchon spent years researchin’ the state of the sewers before writin’ that book.

Clem: It’s [i]fiction.

Grant: It’s fiction based ‘eavily in fact, Clem.

Clem: V is this close to being surrealist fantasy, Grant.

Grant: For the edification of our listeners, Clem is ‘oldin’ ‘is fingers about seven millimeters apart.

Glick: So, no demons so far?

Clem: No.

Grant: Not unless you count the shite-demons.

Clem: What is this, a pop-culture-reference festival?

Grant: Wot are you talkin’ about?

Clem: The film Dogma.

Grant: I thot it was a shite festival.

Clem: That was a metaphor.

Grant: Tell that to the shite. It seems to be celebratin’.

Clem: It’s just churning around in the current.

Glick: Ugh.

Lana: Wot Glick said, only double.

Clem: No demons so far, Glick. No nothing. Just the size of my next contract, growing bigger and bigger.

Glick: We’ll check in with Clem and Grant a little later in the broadcast. Now, Lana, before the match, you had a chance to speak to Coach Kikere about the supposed Hellmouth and its effect on the Crocodiles these past few years.

Lana: Yep.

Glick: So now, we’ll go to the tape.

---

Lana: Coach, many ‘ave suggested that your team’s recent suckilitude may be traced to one Lemmington Hellmouth, ‘oo’s Evil Energy caused Tanah Burung to lose miserably at football. Any comments?

Kikere: “Suckilitude?” And what’s this about “recent?” Recently, we’ve been doing great.

Lana: Wull, be that as it may, the Crocs ain’t been the foin team of yesteryear. Wotta you ‘ave to say about that?

Kikere: I say we’re making an excellent comeback this Cup. After the disgrace of failing to qualify last time around, we’ve made the tournament, and I’m confident that we’ll be a force to contend with in the future.

Lana: Assumin’, of course, that the ‘ellmouth don’t knock you back into the gutter?

Kikere: Look, Maelstrom, let’s get one thing clear: I don’t believe in Hellmouths, or any other supernatural mumbo-jumbo. The Crocodiles didn’t do poorly in the last three World Cups because of any evil energy, zombies, vampires, or any other non-existent BS. Performance on the field is about skill, talent, and desire. And that’s it.

Lana: So ‘ow do you explain the team’s poor performance the last three Cups?

Kikere: Didn’t what I just said make it clear? If you want to be a top team on the International scene, you have to be driven. You have to show up for every game aching for a win. And the Crocs, after four World Cups as a top-ranked team, were coasting. I don’t deny responsibility for the failure in World Cup Six. Everybody knows I played myself in goal in that final match, and in hindsight, that was a mistake. But the reason we got to the point where I felt the need to play myself is that the team was coasting. We went into that Cup expecting to win, without really desiring it. We’d lost our edge. Pure and simple.

Lana: And supernatural forces ‘ad nothin’ to do with it?

Kikere: Of course not.

Lana: An’ ‘ow do you explain the rise to prominence of the Gilmeecia Kickassers, then?

Kikere: Heh. You pitch the hardballs, Maelstrom. I’d have to plead a combination of dumb luck and fear on that one.

Lana: Fear, Coach?

Kikere: Fear of the rock in my fist connecting with their crania.

Lana: Ah. So you think the Kickassers live in an eternal twilight of terror at the thot thet you’ll return an’ bash their skulls yet again, should they screw up?

Kikere: Probably. They’re a bunch of devolved morons, you know.

Lana: Our own Glick Masterson might beg to differ.

Kikere: I’ve never met Glick, but in all fairness, he seems pretty intelligent for one of Them. I suspect he was adopted. Probably was born in Loro Sae, or Oglethorpia.

Lana: An’ tossed across the border by an uncarin’ ‘ore of a momma?

Kikere: Um... sure.

Lana: Now, In Gilmeecia, they’re all apreshite for the ‘ellmouth.

Kikere: Not all of them. The “apeshiteness” is a convenient fiction perpetrated by their fraud of a president.

Lana: So you don’t personally buy into it?

Kikere: I think I said that.

Lana: And wot if the Lemmings win tonight? Will that convince you?

Kikere: No. This is a rebuilding year for the Crocodiles. The Lemmings are a top side. If we win, great. But I’m not exactly expecting it.

Lana: “Not exactly”-- so, you’re sort of expecting it?

Kikere: I think we have a chance.

Lana: You ‘eard it ‘ere first, folks. Coach Kikere thumbs ‘er nose at the unspeakable Evil of the Lemmington ‘ellmouth an’ thinks ‘er team ‘as a chance.

Kikere: Hey!

Lana: Back to you, Glick

---


Glick: So that was the interview with Bi Kikere conducted by our own Lana Maelstrom earlier this afternoon. Now, Lana, Coach Kikere made it pretty clear that she doesn’t buy into the supernatural explanation for her team’s slide from prominence.

Lana: Did she? I wasn’t really listening. I was too wrapped up in ‘elen Mellon’s goal.

Glick: How unusual. While we were away, the Lemmings scored the first of the match. And I missed it.

Lana: That’s wot you get for listening to the taped segment. Mellon, assisted by Atom, at thirty-eight minutes.

Glick: That’d be, Mellon assisted by Meisterbrau.

Lana: Atom, Meisterbrau, same difference.

(Arridia's RP)
OOC: Want to rp the second half?

You can do it...I'm still studying. (Just a short break at the moment) You can find my roster in the roster thread. (Any WC roster thread for that matter...)

TBF QUALIFY IN DRAMATIC FASHION!

TBF Qualified last night from a wonderstrike by Alan Belmore in the 94th Minute. The Oglethorpia Vs Audioslavia had finished 1-1 leaving Belmore 5 points ahead of 5th placed AS. This has made a massive difference from previous World Cups where they have left it right to the last minute to qualfy. Next up we have got a match against Oglethorpia where all we need is a draw to go top of the group.

Sturms to progress to round-of-16

The Gesamtkuntswerk Sturms have clinched the group, defeating #6 Runaway Moose in Game 2 of the Cluster competition. Showing once again the importance of a strong, well-coordinated offensive endeavour, the Sturms scored one goal a half, with the group's best defense shutting down Team Runaway Moose's every attempt to score. An injury early on took out Pádraig O Máille for the game (the injury was minor; he will be able to play in the match against Aquilla), allowing rookie Katter to make an appearance. Just as he did in the previous game, he wowed the crowd with amazing footwork, finessing the ball past the RM goalkeeper in the 33rd minute. In the second half, a hand ball opportunity allowed James Bowie to score in the 59th minute. Tim Wilder was unavailable for comment.

A Comeback without Results

Europa Brittania came from a goal down to win their World Cup group G clash with Dennisov 2-1, putting themselves on the brink of the second round.

Dennisov took an early lead with their second World Cup finals goal, but it were the co-host who dominated the match on the way to their victory over their opponents and top spot in group G.

After beating West Arridia in their opening match, Europa Brittania are the sixth team so far to win their first two matches at the tournament, the group is practically decided. Dennisov's fate will only be decided after their final game against West Arridia. Even when if they manage to win that game, they rely on the other match between Halfassedstates and Europa Brittania.

In a match marred by a blustery wind which whipped the ball in all directions, Dennisov stole an early 9th minute lead when striker Michel Goulet headed in a cross from Clark Gillies.
But that was only shot on target in the first half from a team who, as in their opening 1-1 draw by Halfassedstates, appeared over-awed.
Europa Brittania, stunned into action from being a goal behind, piled on the pressure with their midfielders feeding plenty of balls through to their forwards.

Their tidy and organised moves paid dividends in the 28th minute when a perfect cross found an unmarkerked striker, who scored with a well-crafted left-foot volley at the near post.

Europa Brittania's shaven-headed defensive midfielder played a crucial role, linking up with the people up-front for nifty passes which were a constant menace to Dennisov's defence.

In the 69th minute, their forward took a long-pass from their midfielder to fire a left-foot shot past Dennisov goalkeeper Gerry Cheevers and put Europa Brittania 2-1 ahead.

Clark Gillies, Dennisov's talented midfielder, showed he was capable of nipping through the Europa Brittania midfield, but he never managed to break through their solid defence.

After Europa Brittania's second goal, Dennisov's coach Mario Lemieux in a surprise come-back, brought on himself in a bid to create more chances and they nearly grabbed an equaliser in the dying minutes when Lester Patrick fired a shot inches wide of the post.

The other teams to win their first two matches at the tournament so far are Squornshelous, The Belmore Family, Giant Zucchini, and Gesamtkuntswerk.

When asked, Mario Lemieux stated about his sudden come-back: "I just love the game too much, and I wanted to give those people who never saw me play the chance. They might never get another one, especially my son, I wanted to show him what his old man could still do."

The defeat puts Dennisov in a very precarious position in Group G, with just 1 point out of their 2 matches, only a big victory against West Arridia will keep the door open. But with both Halfassedstates and Europa Brittania on a winning streak, the chances of Europa Brittania beating their opponents in their last game with more than just a couple of goals, the prospect of extending their stay in the WorldCup or quite poor.

'slaves scrape draw
second round place almost impossible

Another sub-par performance by Audioslavia saw the team almost defeated by Oglethorpia today, only a late strike by Jonny Willow gave them a glimmer of hope of getting into the second round.

Oglethorpia looked the better side in the first half, but to the 'slaves credit, they defended resoloutely and looked a more dicsiplined and hungry side than they looked against Belmore.

Half-time came and went at 0-0, and the 'slaves pressured early in the second half, with Lever coming close and a Ward header being tipped over the bar.

Oglethorpia however, are in the world's top 10 for a reason, and started controlling the game from the hour, breaking the deadlock in 66 minutes when a Jerome Furukawa corner found Torence Black waiting on the edge of the box to put Ogle 1-0 up with a bullet volley.

Ogle stayed on top for most of the second half, forcing two good saves from Davis through another Black volley and a header from Gray.

Right at the end however Ogle - who had been disciplined in their play for 89 minutes, put too many players forward. Mike Brown - who had marked Jonny Willow expertly for 89 minutes, lost his man for a split-second and Willow - who had been absoloutely awful for 89 minutes, flicked the ball over the advancing keeper for the equalizer.

[code:1:7d2c37a9da]Group E P W D L GF GA GD Pts
The Belmore Family (13) 2 2 0 0 3 1 2 6
Oglethorpia (10) 2 1 1 0 4 1 3 4
Audioslavia (18) 2 0 1 1 2 3 -1 1
Nikea (44) 2 0 0 2 0 4 -4 0 [/code:1:7d2c37a9da]

Audioslavia now find themselves in the gut-wrenching position of having their fate in someone elses hands. They have to rely on Belmore defeating the Ogle squad to have a hope of qualifying, and even then the 'slaves need a big win over Nikea to cover the 4-goal GD between the two sides.

Nikea however, as shown by their impressive 90-minute shutout against Belmore, are a very good side and will be difficult to beat unless the 'slaves can get their attacking game together, seing as Oglethorpia's attack-minded 3-4-3 system tore the Nikea side apart.

This has been a very pessimistic Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches

SHAME OF A GAME

Outcasts' last match against Giant Zucchini (if i am not mistaken a vegetable) was a complete shables to put it lightly. the team were given a stiff talking too at the end of the 3-0 loss. However Outcasts still remain second in the table with one loss and one win. The win surprisingly being over Haraki. There have been a number of replacements and the manager hopes that that will sort the problem out.

Bulldogs Fall To Lemmings, Hold Second Place In Group
EUROPA BRITTANIA - In today's match against Lemmitania, the Bulldogs were unable to score any points for only the 4th time in 39 games (the last time being the 2-0 loss to Timway in the International City). Vojtilo held the Lemmings to only 1 goal, but with no offense, the win was inevitable.
(23) Commerce Heights 0
(12) Lemmitania 1 - FT

(15) Errinundera 1
(39) Tanah Burung 0 - FT

[code:1:af92bb0ee9]Group C-Europa Brittania P W D L F A GD Pts
Lemmitania (12) 2 2 0 0 3 1 +2 6
Commerce Heights (23) 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
Errinundera (15) 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
Tanah Burung (39) 2 0 0 2 1 3 -2 0[/code:1:af92bb0ee9]
For Lemmitania to qualify, they must not lose to Errinundera by 2 (or 1) and have Commerce Heights defeat Tanah Burung by 1 (or 2).
For Commerce Heights to qualify, they must defeat Tanah Burung and not have both Errinundera and Lemmitania beat them in GD.
For Errinundera to qualify, they must defeat Lemmitania and not have Commerce Heights win and beat them in GD.
For Tanah Burung to qualify, they must defeat Commerce Heights and beat Commerce Heights and Errinundera in GD.
Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 15: vs #15 Errinundera – W 2-1
Day 16: vs #12 Lemmitania – L 0-1
Day 17: vs #39 Tanah Burung
Statistics - Team
[code:1:af92bb0ee9] Overall WC7 WC8 WC9
Games Played 39 10 13 16
Wins 19 3 6 10
Draws 8 3 4 1
Losses 12 4 3 5
Avg. Opp. Rank 72.5 62.6 81.7 71.2
Highest Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Highest Def. Opp. Rank 2 18 16 2
Avg. Offense 1.6 1.5 1.5 1.8 gpg
Avg. Defense 1.4 1.8 1.2 1.3 gpg
Goal Differential +9 -3 +5 +7
Rank 100 54 23[/code:1:af92bb0ee9]
Statistics - Individual
[code:1:af92bb0ee9]Team Scoring Leaders – WC9
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley 16 7 0.44
J. Cahalane 15 5 0.33
C. Deppiesse 16 5 0.31
K. Decker 16 4 0.25
M. McCormick^ 4 1 0.25
F. Wallace 15 3 0.20
E. Burns 15 2 0.13
M. Paritmongkol 15 1 0.07

^ backup

Goaltending Leaders – WC9
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo 13 14 1.08
A. Yago 9 12 1.75

Team Scoring Leaders – Overall
Player G GF GPG
B. Quigley*** 39 19 0.49
C. Deppiesse..* 16 5 0.31
K. Decker*** 39 11 0.28
M. McCormick.^^ 7 2 0.29
J. Cahalane*** 38 10 0.26
C. Romanowski**. 23 5 0.22
F. Wallace^^* 19 4 0.21
D. Kakuta**. 23 3 0.13
M. Paritmongkol*** 38 2 0.05
E. Burns*** 38 2 0.05

Goaltending Leaders – Overall
Player G GA GPG
D. Vojtilo*** 32 42 1.31
A. Yago.^^ 9 12 1.33

..*/..^ starter/backup in WC9
.*./.^. starter/backup in WC8
*../^.. starter/backup in WC7[/code:1:af92bb0ee9]

Sowhatsville News

Half way there Halfassed!

Milton Hat-trick sees off West Arridia

A virtuoso last 20 minute performance by James Milton finally killed off the challange of a brave West Arridia side to-day in Europa Brittania.

With over an hour gone in the game, West Arridia were leading a under-performing Halfassed side 2-1. An Alf Gunnet goal after 12 minutes should have settled the Halfassed teams nerves, but a brilliant strike by the WA captain after 27 minutes brought cheers from ther neutrals in the crowd.
The welcome back for Jarvis Smith had clearly been worn out in the first game, as the neutral supporters started cheering on the underdogs, sensing that the Halfassed side were struggling.

Moments after the re-start, disaster. An inswinging corner looked to be O'Malleys for the taking, but King didn't hear the call and jumped for it as well. The big defender got to the ball just before the keeper collided into him, unfortunatly all King managed to do was flick the ball beyond O'Malley and into his on net. 2-1 WA - The neutrals and the few thousand WA supporters in the West stand went ballistic!!

Halfassed continued to toil for the next 20 minutes, Le Madeer was having a shocker on the left, and with everything having to be played through Bundy on the right, the WA defense was having it easy!

Finally Smith made a change, Hunt and Le Madeer off, Soap and Doors on as Halfassed changed to a 3-4-3 formation. Almost immediatly things changed, the extra man up front gave WA's defense more problems, and Soap had clearly seen an opportunity to get himself into the side for the next game.

Soap was running at the defense every chance he got. Finally he broke to the by-line and the cross was met on the volley by Milton who brought Halfassed level.

Five minutes later Milton broke through himself and scored what seemed to many to be an action replay of the goal against Dennisov in the last match. 78 minutes gone 3-2 for Halfassed.

Even at this point, WA were not out of it. A fantastic reaction save from O'Malley and a goal line clearance from Jones were needed to keep Halfassed ahead.

Soap was still giving his all on the left and eventually his persistance saw the WA right-back trip him on the edge of the box. The free-kick was thumped goalwards by Ward, but it clipped the wall and spun to Gunnet. His shot was well stopped by the keeper, but Milton reacted quickest and slid the ball into the empty net. 4-2.

The last couple of minutes were played out and Halfassed had put themselves in a commanding position for the second spot in the group.
West Arridia crashed out of the cup, but their adventurous play and never-say-die attitude won over many more fans.

Halfassed now play Hosts and group leaders Europa Brittania needing a point to secure progress to the next round, while West Arridia face Dennisov hoping to get some reward for their play in the competition. (And a lot of Halfassed supporters will be hoping they manage it as well!)

[code:1:3513a0c650]Group D P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Squornshelous (25) 2 2 0 0 7 3 4 6
Svecia (16) 2 1 0 1 5 4 1 3
Ravenspire (9) 2 1 0 1 4 4 0 3
Kaze Progressa (59) 2 0 0 2 1 6 -5 0
[/code:1:3513a0c650]

With a 3-1 victory over Ravenspire, Squornshelous has officially qualified for the second round of world cup 9. (no time to RP right now, maybe later)

Scuttlebutt - Evening Edition

Strike Over - Start The Presses
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Remington Grey

Today, after 15 days of intense negotiations, the Borderlands United Reporters Partnership (BURP) reached agreement with news media Ownership on the issue of salary increase. BURP agreed to the 1.5% raise each year for the next three years being offered by the three Media Moguls who own and run all news media in Snub Nose 38, whether television, radio, or print. The three Media Moguls in turn agreed not to fire and replace every reporter who works for them. The sides parted amicably - Ownership happy to be able to announce to the public that Scuttlebutt, ASPN, The Remington County Record, The Athletic Supporter, and all the other news outlets the citizens of Snub Nose 38 have come to know and love are back in business - while BURP membership is glad to still be employed.

Hooligans Are Still Not Dead Yet
Kowan Park, Tir Eselyn, Ravenspire Mike Easter, aspn wire

World Cup 9 group play has been underway for some time, with 2 of 3 matches having been played by all sides in the tournament. This reporter is happy to be able to report that the Snub Nose 38 national football side, the Hooligans, stand an excellent chance of making it through group play and on to the next stage.

The Hooligans first match, against the Kickassers of Gilmeecia, was a draw. For the Hooligans, this makes the 5th draw in their last 7 matches - not a record any of them appeared pleased with. Manager Ben Dover not only refused to comment, but placed a gag order on the rest of the Hooligans, staff and players alike. This reporter, having watched those seven matches, believes the Hooligans problem is one of confidence. They don't seem to trust themselves, or one another, on the pitch to make the right decision or the best play. That way leads to disaster.

As for the Kickassers, the seemed to be pre-occupied through the entire match. They scored first, which of course gave them a 1 to 0 lead, and they did not celebrate. As we all know, footballers always celebrate a goal. It was very odd. What's more, when the Hooligans scored some 62 minutes later to tie the match, the Kickassers didn't appear to be upset, nor did they change their style of distracted play. They retook the lead (2-1) and the match reverted to a draw (2-2), all the while the Kickassers seemingly distracted, . At the conclusion of the match neither Kickassers players nor manager would respond to questions, but just walked off the pitch and into their locker room looking dismayed.

The second match for the Hooligans was against Bedistan. The Hooligans played this match as if they'd suddenly remembered, "Oh, yeah! Football! I remember how that goes!" The Bedistani Lions are a formidable foe, ranked among the top 4 national sides in the world no matter what rating scheme one chooses to use. And they played some fine football that day. Although the Hooligans scored first, within minutes the Lions got the equalizer, and held the match tied for some 40 minutes. Yet, the Lions never seemed to be able to get quite up to the amazing level the Hooligans were playing on. Apparently this was noticed by the officiating crew as well, who insisted that every player on the Hooligans side be tested for illegal substances immediately after the match. Not a single player turned up positive for any illegal or banned substance.

This brings Group B to the following point with one match to go:
[code:1:23d7e0f77c]Group B P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Gilmeecia (17) 2 1 1 0 4 2 2 4
Snub Nose 38 (20) 2 1 1 0 4 3 1 4
Bedistan (3) 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3
Total n Utter Insanity (49) 2 0 0 2 1 4 -3 0[/code:1:23d7e0f77c]
The third and last matchday will pit Gilmeecia against Bedistan, and Total n Utter Insanity against Snub Nose 38. Most (but not all) possible outcomes would see the Hooligans move on.

If Gilmeecia wins, then regardless of the result of the SN38-TnUI match Gilmeecia and Snub Nose 38 will move on.

If Gilmeecia and Bedistan draw, and Snub Nose 38 wins or draws, Gilmeecia and Snub Nose 38 will move on.

If Gilmeecia and Bedistan draw, and Snub Nose 38 loses to Total n Utter Insanity, then Snub Nose 38 and Bedistan will have the same number of points. If Bedistan has a larger goal differential than Snub Nose 38, then the Lions will move on with the Kickassers. If the Hooligans Draw and the Lions win, the Hooligans can't wind up with a bigger goal differential, but they could wind up with the same goal differential. Then whichever of the Lions or the Hooligans has the most goals for will advance with Gilmeecia.

If Bedistan wins, and Snub Nose 38 loses, then Bedistan and Gilmeecia will move on.

If Bedistan Wins, and Snub Nose 38 wins or draws, then the Lions and the Holligans move forward

Sadly for the Insanicans, there is no outcome that will move them on to the next stage. After their match with the Hooligans, they're homeward bound.

The Remington County Record

The Risen Dead?
Sten, Snub Nose 38 Lauren D'Order

There is still no cure, nor preventive vaccine, for the plague of epidemic proportions sweeping Snub Nose 38, and in particular the Capital City of Sten. While the Academy of Sciences' Research Department is working in shifts 24 hours a day, they have had no success to date.

Oddly, the relatives of some plague victims have reported seeing those same victims apparently alive and well, walking about town at night. They aren't, it seems, very talkative. Nor, for that matter, very friendly - all reports to date of these risen dead include attempts by the apparently re-alive plague victims to bite, or attack in some way, those who approach them.

Medical staff at Saint Swithens Hospital also report no progress in treating plague victims, but did note that several people appear to have come through the Division of Pathology and Executions' morgue as corpses twice - in fact, one gentleman appears to have died three times in the past week.

Officials of the Ministry of Health, Mining, and Obscure Rituals are concerned.

JM: HI! I'm John Madder, and today, we're gonna look at a great game of FOOTBALL! Today we have yooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuur KINGSFORD NATIONAL!
<<applause>>
take on the defending champions, the Liverpool England Swimming Injuns <<booing>>. ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!?!?!?

LT: Not so fast my friend! You forgot to introduce me, Lee Torso!

JM: Well... I didn't forge--

LT: Thank you John, it's a pleasure to be here. Todays match pits The Kingsford National against the defending cup champions, Liverpool England. Your commentators are my wonderful self, Lee Torso, my viscious psycho partner, John Madder, and Gabe Banners down on the side lines. We had that one chick doing the sidelines, but uh.. we left her too near John's cage, and she.. well, lets say John is high on protein now.

JM: Delicious!

LT: Yeah... So today's starting lineup is as follows:
[code:1:ca6e6c83a6]
G: Mark Talisman


RD: Nate St. Peter -- CD: Chris David -- LD: Brian Axacoa


FRM: Winn Easton -- NRM: Seth Delos -- NLM: Brent Gordon -- FLM: Anil Patel


LF: Mike Odyssey -- CF: George Talon -- RF: Desypar
[/code:1:ca6e6c83a6]

JM: FOOTBALL!

LT: Ssssh, John, It's ok.. no one wants to hurt you.. you're allright

JM: Foo.... footba.... baaaaaaaaa

LT: There we go.

GB: Lee, can you hear me?

LT: Yes, Gabe, I can.

GB: You totally missed the first goal. It was by Desypar in the 12th. You're a failure!

LT: I've got this cold sore on my lip, and I keep poking at it with my tongue, but that's only making it worse.

GB: Are you even listening to me? Do you even care?

LT: Nothing doing!

GB: That's it.. I'm gonna go kill myself. The guys this station hires, they're morons.

LT: Not so fast my friend!

JM: FOOTBALL!

GB: See what I mean? Goodbye. You can go ahead and end transmission now. I don't care.

<<transmission ends. "We're having Technical Difficulties at the Athletic Review. One Second Please!" Appears on a white background. Transmission resumes>>

JM: I'M GONNA EAT YOU, LITTLE LEPRECHAUN!

LT: Help me! For the love of all that's holy, HELP ME!!!

<<transmission ends. "We're having Technical Difficulties at the Athletic Review. One Second Please!" Appears on a white background. Transmission resumes>>

LT: Has anyone seen my urine samples?

<<transmission ends. "We're having Technical Difficulties at the Athletic Review. One Second Please!" Appears on a white background. Transmission resumes>>

JM: TOUCHDOWN!!! YEAAAAH! WE SCORED A TOUCHDOWN!!

LT: Actually John, George Talon just scored a Goal.

JM: I'M GONNA EAT YOU, LITTLE LEPRECHAUN!

<<transmission ends.>>

Ravens Fall to Squornshelous
Drop to Third

Sargard, Ravenspire -- Fears expressed by football analysts -- and members of the Ravens -- came true today, as the natonal side proved unable to recover after allowing Squornshelous an early lead. Their opponents, who amassed one of the best offensive records during qualifying, took control of the match early and overpowered the Ravens' defense, taking a 2-0 lead at the half.

Early in the second half, a penalty resulted in yet another Squornshelous goal -- and a yellow card for Ravens striker Arawn Frost, who disputed the call. A late goal by Amara Akizuki saved the Ravens from a shutout, but the team was unable to equalize the score.

The result means that Ravenspire must win its upcoming match against Svecia in order to proceed to the round of 16. A draw or loss will result in Svecia going through. Even if the Ravens win, it is unlikely that they will capture the top slot; to do so, they would need to win by at least four goals, and Squornshelous would need to lose to Kaze Progressa.

ooc: think i'll wait until Lemm finishes the report on my game one before i write up my report on game 2.... The reports can never be too long lemm -- personally, i'm breathlessly awaiting the publication of your upcoming novel Gil Government!

It will take a big win over Commerce Heights, coupled with a Lemmitanian win over Errinundera, for the Corcodiles to advance to the next round. The team was said to be "training" at a local bar in preparation for the match, and have reportedly been promised a tax break to just 90% of their paychecks should they manage to make it through to the second round.

"Money? Commerce? Aren't those creatures from the hellmouth?" asked Crocodiles captain Rosa Bibere.

An extremely bored government official working for the Commerce Heights Bureau of Statistically Statistical Statistics has compiled histograms showing the ranks of the teams involved in the qualifiers and the first round. :P

[code:1:542507ce0d]Histogram of Team Ranks in Qualifying
26|
| |----|
24| | |
= ======
= ======
10| |----|----| | |
| | | | | |
8 | | | | | |
|----| | |----| | |
6 | | | | |----|----| | |
| | | | | | | | |
4 | | | | | | | |----| | |
| | | | | | | | | | |
2 | | | | | | |----| |----| | |
| | | | | | | | | |----| | |
0 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
05 15 25 35 45 55 65 75 85 95 105 115 125 135 145 155
Histogram of Team Ranks in First Round
10| |----|
| 1Q | 2Q |
8 |----|----| 1E
|----| |----|
6 | | |----|
| | | 2Q |
4 | | |----| 1E
| | | |----|
2 | | | |----|----| 1E 1E
| | | | | 2E |----|----|
0 ------------------------------------
05 15 25 35 45 55 65
Q-qualified
E-eliminated
(after 2 games)[/code:1:542507ce0d]
OOC: I had a much easier-to-read version, but the forums don't seem to like it...:
[code:1:542507ce0d]26│
│ ┌────┐
24│ │ │
╧ ╧════╧
╤ ╤════╤
10│ ┌────┬────┐ │ │
│ │ │ │ │ │
8 │ │ │ │ │ │
│┌────┤ │ ├────┐ │ │
6 ││ │ │ │ ├────┬────┐ │ │
││ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │
4 ││ │ │ │ │ │ │ ┌────┐ │ │
││ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │
2 ││ │ │ │ │ │ ├────┤ ├────┐ │ │
││ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ├────┐ │ │
0 └┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────┴────────────────────────┴────┘
05 15 25 35 45 55 65 75 85 95 105 115 125 135 145 155[/code:1:542507ce0d]
If you want to see why I can't fix it, click the 'quote' button for the post and look at what it got turned in to. ;)

[A news desk appears on screen, with the logo for Eastfield's Channel 10 News in the lower-right corner.]

Anchor 1: An overturned tractor-trailer ties up traffic on Highway 281 for nine hours...

Anchor 2: Police have finally apprehended the mysterious man found kidnapping children from local elementary schools...

Anchor 1: And the Bedistan Lions national football team falls to the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans 2-1...can they still qualify?

Anchor 2: All this and more tonight, on Channel 10 News at 11:00.

[screen fades]

OOC: I'm rather tired tonight, so I'll write up a longer RP tomorrow. This puts an interesting spin on the group though...

LIVERPOOL ENGLAND COMMUNICATIONS BREAK-DOWN SOLVED; TEAM LOSES TO KINGSFORD 2-0 AND STAND CHANCE OF BEING ELIMINATED

[OOC: I cut my Internet connection by accident and was barred access for 48 hours, but hey! I'm back, and it seems LE could be eliminated! Bet some of you thought the Curse of the Cup would strike, eh? ;)]

A communications problem in Liverpool England was solved late last night. This problem, caused by a hurricane passing near the nation, stopped communications and the nation was cut of from the rest of the world. After a request, the hosts agreed to postpone LE's 2-0 loss to Kingsford.
The nation now stands a good chance of being eliminated. Being the defending champions, the nation would be in an uproar should this happen.

Liverpool England 0
Kingsford 2

This is Glick Masterson for the Lemmitanian Radio Network. Midway through the opening match of World Cup Nine, your Lemmitania Lemmings lead the Crocodiles of Tanah Burung by a one-nothing score on a goal at thirty-eight minutes by Helen Mellon. Ordinarily, we'd spend the halftime break discussing the match and the tournament in general, but for tonight's broadcast we'll be breaking away from football and going live to Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson, who at this moment are several miles beneath the streets of Lemmington, in search of the elusive Lemmington Hellmouth. Grant, Clem, how are things going down there?

Grant: Wull, Glick, it's gettin' right 'arrowin'.

Glick: Really? How so?

Grant: For starters, we've been assaulted by no fewer than three creatures of the night.

Glick: Vampires? You've been attacked by vampires?

Grant: Vampires? 'Oo said anything about vampires? I'm talkin' about rats.

Glick: Sewer rats?

Clem: Big ones. Nasty bastards.

Grant: I 'ad to clock one on the 'ead with me torch.

Clem: You didn't have to. You wanted to.

Grant: The 'ell I did! I 'ad to smack that vicious rodent in the skull to defend meself from grusome 'orrible rabies! Wot 'e would 'ave given me if 'ed bitten me, as 'e was attemptin' to do.

Clem: He was never trying to bite you.

Grant: 'e was comin' right at me!

Clem: No, he was swimming right away from you. In fear, most likely. And you ran after him, splashing like a maniac, screaming, "Come 'ere you little bastard an' get wot's coming to you!" And seeing as you're a lot bigger than he was, you were a lot faster, and you overtook him and hit him with your flashlight.

Grant: That's not wot 'appened at all.

Clem:No? What detail did I get wrong?

Grant: Wull, first of all, you neglected to mention that 'e was a creature of the night.

Glick: You mean a vampire?

Grant: No! A rat! Ain't you listenin' at all, Glick?

Glick: Why do you keep calling them 'creatures of the night?' Creatures of the Night are vampires.

Grant: An' rats.

Clem: No, not rats. Rats are vermin. But they're not Creatures of the Night.

Grant: Wull... vampire rats are Creatures of the Night.

Clem: There are no vampire rats.

Grant: 'ow do you know?

Clem: Because there are no vampires!

Grant: Oh, yeh? An' wot about that poor Gilmeecian football player wot got bit by one an' died an' rose from the dead an' 'e's terrorizin' the Gilmeecian countryside now? Huh? Wot about 'im?

Clem: Where did you hear that?

Grant: I read it in the news.

Clem: What news?

Grant: The Gilmeecian International Times.

Clem: "Where the news crawls to die?"

Grant: That ain't nice to say.

Clem: It's from their masthead. That paper is a rag. You can't believe anything it prints. Why do you think they call it the "GIT?"

Grant: GIT is a chrononym.

Clem: You mean an acronym.

Grant: I mean wot I said!

Clem: And what, pray tell, is a "chrononym?"

Grant: It's a word wot means different things at different times of the day.

Clem: ...That's pretty good, actually.

Grant: You like that one?

Clem: Yeah.

Glick: So, to bring things back on track, gentlemen, can you tell us what, if anything, you've seen down there, aside from three sewer rats, one of which Grant chased down and hit with his flashlight?

Grant: Not much to see 'ere, Glick. We're prolly farther beneath the streets of Lemmington than anyone's ever ventured before.

Clem: Then why's there graffiti all over the place?

Grant: Graffiti? Is that wot that is? I thot those were troglodyte rock paintings.

Clem: A statement worthy of a rimshot.

Grant: Thank you.

Clem: Don't mention it. We haven't really descended much, Glick. We've mostly been moving laterally.

Glick: So are you actually getting any closer to the Hellmouth?

Clem: Oh, sure we're getting closer to the "Hellmouth." Closer and closer.

Grant: An' closer an' closer. Clem, lookit that!!

Clem: What?! What?!

Grant: Thet over there! Wot's that?!

Clem: Where? Where?

Grant: There! Where I'm shinin' me torch!

Clem: What, that? That's a dribble of water leaking down the wall. For crying out loud, I thought you'd seen something.

Grant: I thot it was an Unnameable 'orror. Or mebbe somethin' Indescribable, scrabblin' on the walls with its 'orrible claws, gibberin' an' jabberin' like an otherworldy insanity come to eat our brains.

Clem: No, it was a dribble of water.

Glick: As harrowing as that was, it sounds as if nothing much is going on in Lemmington. So we'll be returning to Europa Brittania for the second half broadcast momentarily.

Lana: But first, these important messages!

Grant: GIT is a chrononym.

Clem: You mean an acronym.

Grant: I mean wot I said!

Clem: And what, pray tell, is a "chrononym?"

Grant: It's a word wot means different things at different times of the day.
The Minister of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids, listening to the Lemmitanian Radio Network broadcast of the opening match of World Cup Nine between the Lemmitania Lemmings and the Tanah Burung Crocodiles, had his interest piqued when he heard the above discussion between Gi...er, Grant and Clem. During the commercial break he looked up "chrononym" in Webster's Thesaurus, and found the following entry:

chrononym n. Chrononyms, like the tides, change throughout the day. watch-word, morphonym, sensonym, sensenomic (adj.), kafkaesquonym, change-mot, bisunderiswort, chamelonym, seguesensic (adj.), swamp-gas, word-o-the-wisp, dopplermot.
--------------------------------------------
lmao

[code:1:6521875905]Group D P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Squornshelous (25) 2 2 0 0 7 3 4 6
Svecia (16) 2 1 0 1 5 4 1 3
Ravenspire (9) 2 1 0 1 4 4 0 3
Kaze Progressa (59) 2 0 0 2 1 6 -5 0
[/code:1:6521875905]

With a 3-1 victory over Ravenspire, Squornshelous has officially qualified for the second round of world cup 9. (no time to RP right now, maybe later)

I was going to say that wasn't quite true, because wins for Svecia and Ravenspire would have sent it to goal difference. But Svecia are playing Ravenspire so that's physically impossible.

That also means... (IC now, from the Daily Kangaroo...)

IT'S A QUICK, PAINFUL EXIT
Kaze Progressa found themselves eliminated from their first World Cup with a 3-0 defeat to Svecia.

Their hopes faded with two goals conceded in six minutes late in the first half, Eaka Palera helpless against first a curling 20-yard drive from <player 1> and then a slick passing move carving an easy finish for <player 2>, who sealed the match on 73 minutes from the penalty spot after Eauam MacKazie elbowed <player 1> in the back when he was essentially clean through on goal.

No combination of results can save the Progressans now, owing to the fact Ravenspire and Svecia are playing each other in the final set of matches. Kaze Progressa are picking an experimental lineup for the final match against already-qualified Squornshelous:

GK: Elin Faeka
LD: Ziaw Mawukal
CD: Quaza Garjeno
RD: Naurew Manuweli
LM: Huqi Vaiwalo-Mua
CAM: Fayu Owa
CAM: Niaq Lainwiay
RM: Raq Failez
LF: Mowgi Jugla
CF: Maunkaj Jawelin
RF: Faiwe Irafma

Day 3 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2110674#2110674) and tables are up.

The Porlamar Tribune

Oglethorpia advances!
Oglethorpia's Wonderteam advances to the second round.

By Bill Christmas

RAVENSPIRE -- Oglethorpia's Wonderteam defeated the Belmore Family today; owing their victory to Belmorian star-striker Alan Belmore.

Team captain Fernando Green recounts the events of the Wonderteam goal that happened in the 72nd minute.

"I was movin' downfield, seeing the Belmorian keeper going after the ball; then I saw Alan Belmore, and seconds later, I heard this loud cheer. Torrence then told me that Alan Belmore had just scored on his own keeper. I was shocked."

For Alan Belmore had intended to give his keeper the ball via a short cross; only the intended keeper missed it; and the star-striker had scored a goal on his own team.

Oglethorpian Wonderteam players mobbed the Belmorian striker -- there was an attempt to lift him into the air in celebration, but Green broke it up.

"I can understand their elation. I was right there with them in the cheering -- but you gotta be more sportsmanlike than that," the team captain said.

The match ended in full time 1-0, the Oglethorpian Wonderteam defeating the Belmore Family.

Despite the Wonderteam's victory, the Belmore Family also advances into the second round along with the Oglethorpian Wonderteam.

"The Belmore Family still advanced," said Torrence Black, "but at least their striker helped us win the match and put us on top of group E. It was a moral victory, but still -- a victory is a victory."

For ending the first round on top of group E was a point of celebration.

"It's good to go 2-1-0 in the first round," said Guy Picciotto. "Three games is a small amount to play for something so important; moving into the second round. Luckily, the Wonderteam preformed admirably, winning two of the three matches, the other being a draw. I'm very happy with their playing so far in the Cup."

We're wishin' the Wonderteam the best.

'slaves bow out
win over Nikea too little too late

Audioslavia bowed out of World Cup 9 with a record of 3 games, 3 goals, 1 win, 1 draw, 1 loss. It should be easy to see that this just isnt good enough.

Audioslavia, needing a whirlwind goal-rush against bottom side Nikea and a TBF win over Ogle, could only manage a slender 1-0 victory, scored in the 28th minute as a Wilton corner was headed in by Jackson.

In the other game, Ogle did just enough to secure victory, beating the TBF side by the same margin.

The two results leave the group like this:
[code:1:3f5b529712]
Group E P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Oglethorpia (10) 3 2 1 0 5 1 4 7
The Belmore Family (13) 3 2 0 1 3 2 1 6
Audioslavia (18) 3 1 1 1 3 3 0 4
Nikea (44) 3 0 0 3 0 5 -5 0
[/code:1:3f5b529712]
All in all, Audioslavia were unconvincing. Just as the media spotlight was focusing on their uneventful style of play, the 'slaves needed to put in some good performances and some attacking play. They managed neither, scoring only 3 scrappy goals and conceding 3 good ones.

Captain Lee Branson, back after his suspension, had this to say

"We just go into all our tournaments so pessimistic like, were a good team but we have no confidence. Its ironic because the only times we have been confident, in WC4 and WC7, we went through our groups easily"

this has been jeremy jaffacake, slightly pissed off, g'nite bitches.

ooc: can't ... keep ... up.... Results ... so ... fast.... Ravenspire ... so ... efficient.... :)

Game two report
DAILY CROCODILE

Tanah Burung entered the second day of play down a game after losing to Lemmitania, but excited to be facing the beloved Longfeet, or Bigfeet, or Gorillas, from Errinundera -- another much-higher ranked team and the former Cup champions.

These two sides have a fabled history: Errinundera made its World Cup debut back in WC5 in Tanah Burung, winning the hearts of locals with their free-flowing play and love of trees. Errinundrian stars antarcticad and oreadest used that tournament to start an exchange programme for young footballers, which has produced some of the top talent on both sides. Canabe Livit of Tanah Burung and codith of Errinundera are two of the players who have risen from the exchange programme to international stardom. And oreadest plays his club football with Tanah Burung league champions Black-and-Red Army.

Yet the two countries have never met in international play. "Yeah, we were glad to be drawn in a group with the Lemmings and the Gorillafeet," said Bi Kikere. "This team can rise to whatever level of play the opposition throws at us, so it's great to see two of the world's top teams doing the throwing."

The match was a zinger, featuring some nifty play by both teams and some good scoring chances. Nino Konis was sensational in the Crocodiles net, while the rest of the Crocs played solid defensive football with the odd chance. Livit rose to the challenge against her old team with some great chances. But it was oreadest who made the difference with a header into the Crocs goal in the second half.

"I hardly knew which way to run," oreadest said after the game. "Sure, Tanah Burung has been my second home for years now. The kids there just adore me, and i've made it my mission in life to bring the joys of football to young people. But when it comes down to it, there's only one homeland for me. Hey: don't cry for me, Errinund'ra!"

Final result:
Errinundera 1 Tanah Burung 0
(oreadest 67)

The Crocs now need to beat Commerce Heights, and hope that the Lemmings can polish off Errinundera as well. That would give them three points and a chance to qualify on goal difference. The stars will have to align in their favour. "No, no stars," said Bi Kikere. "No sacrificing chickens. No spelunking in the sewers in search of savage satanic hellmouths. No praying to imaginary countries. We just need to play our best and win, and hope that the Lemmings do the same. Ya hear that, Mickelson? I'm rooting for you. Should be all the motivation you need, bud."

This is the FOX Network telling the World Cup IX players and administrators, that your sports event is getting coverage on the FOX News Channel (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=93290).

Former friends aside, EB advance/




Europa Brittania today secured their third win in a row against Halfassedstates, a match riven with less than pleasent feelings for the majority of Brittanians, for it was former head coach and national icon Jarvis Smith, who sat against his former team.

Jarvis resigned as team manager following Brittania's finish in WC VIII, along with star player Andrew Zurich, and a healthy majority of the first team. Deprived of this caretaker manager Alistair Hughes went ahead with a squad based entirely on the promising youth of the domestic scene. Perhaps most of all, Striker Derek Lionel valued this oppertunity to meet his former mentor once more. It was Jarvis who gave the young FC Atlantis hitman his International debut, and moulded him into the player that now leads the frontline under the Hughes administration.

Brittania lined up as they had previously, 4-3-3


----------------------------------------- Reeves-----------------------------------


Kainyon-------------------O'Hanrahan----------Zlichrix---------------------Stacey


-----------------------------Huntly----Kiewitz---Stalhan----------------------------


------------------------------Lester---Lionel---Lomardi-----------------------------

Substitutes: Hansen, Lhorimer, Olivers, & Verona.



The accompanying Stadia was full to bursting for this highly anticipated clash, and it did not disappoint. EB took the lead on four minutes, with Derek Lionel proving his place under Hughes and rising to meet a Kainyon corner from the left. Leaving his marker and former manager agahst and giving his nation the lead. Halfassed threatened shortly afterwards, picking up a slack backpass meant for Reeves and forcing a fine save from the veteran shot stopper.

EB doubled the score shortly before the break, with good link up play putting Lomardi through on goal. The 'Keeper made a fine save at the feet of the seventeen year old, but spilled, allowing Kiewitz to rocket the ball into the back of the net unapposed.

Halfassed were awarded a golden chance to get a deserved goal on the stroke of half time. O'Hanrahan was flummoxed by a neat turn, and pulled back the opposition player to concede a stonewall spotkick.

Reeves was well beaten by the resultant effort, but all bar the Brittanians were aghast as the ball crashed off of the left hand upright, and Zlichrix ensured there would be no follow up effort.

Though both sides had their chances, EB wrapped up the win with a fine goal ten minutes from time. A long ball from Stacey found a great flick on from Huntly, and a super goal from Lester who smashed a first time volley into the back of the net.

FINAL SCORE-

Europa Brittania 3 Halfassedstates

Lionel 4

Kiewitz 38

Lester 81

Substitutions- [b] Lionel OFF Mark Verona ON 55 O'Hanrahan OFF James Olivers ON 76[/i]

Cautions- Lester 43, Dissent. Stacey 68, Foul.[/i]

Commerce Heights Knocked Out Of Cup For Nothing, Chorus Of "Unfair!"s Heard
EUROPA BRITTANIA - After the disappointing 1-2 loss to Tanah Burung (OOC: will RP it later, don't have time now), statisticians were aware that TB and CH were deadlocked in the second position of Group C. Today, Ravenspire announced that Tanah Burung would advance due to the fact that they beat Commerce Heights in their head-to-head match. Many people, including Coach Broquard, felt that this decision was unfair to the Bulldogs. "We have just as much a right to the position as Tanah Burung!" said the coach in a recent press conference. "We both have 1 win and 2 losses, we both scored 4 goals, we both allowed 5 goals...and just because they beat us and we beat Errinundera...they get to move on and we get to fall in rank after a 10-1-6 performance?" The last portion of this statement is due to the fact that the elimination drops Commerce Heights to the 24th position, at least 8 ranks lower than they would have been if they had advanced. Several people have wondered why there is not an extra playoff match between the tied teams, which would allow a fair resolution to the dispute. Some have even suggested that the two teams that have been on the wrong side of this decision be ranked 17th and 18th, due to their rightful qualification. However, it seems unlikely that anything will actually change.

(OOC: Yes, I am unhappy with the way that these ties have been resolved. I do think that extra playoffs to resolve the ties would be a fair resolution to the conflicts. Then again, nobody will ever listen to me, and I'll just have to drop in rank after a much better performance than last Cup (10-1-6 instead of 6-4-3). :roll: )

OOC: Why do you think there should be an additional playoff to determine whom advances (between Tanah Burung and Commerce Heights) when you've already played TB and lost?

BSTV Sports Today
with Sam Murphy and Travis Young

Sam: Hello, good friends, and welcome to another edition of BSTV Sports Today. I'm Sam Murphy...

Travis: And I'm Travis Young. Joey Stanton has jury duty today. Poor bastard.

Sam: Well, I dunno about the "poor" part...but anyway, let's talk football. The fur has flown in Tir Eselyn, and it seems like we made it through. Let's have a look at the highlights of the last two matches.

Travis: After the 2-0 win over TnUI, many of the team members were feeling pretty good. After all, TnUI is one of the more legendary footballing nations.

Sam: Or was. They've been on a major downhill slide lately. Failed to even qualify for World Cup 8, dropping to 49th in the world...they did manage to qualify this time, but they lost all three first-round matches.

Travis: True, true. And that may've been our problem in the Hooligan match: we overestimated the TnUI team and were flying high afterward.

Sam: Some would say high in more than one sense of the word.

Travis: Heh. Well, we'll talk about Oldenburg in a second. Main thing, though: Snub Nose got not one, but two shots past Chuck Mitchell in goal. Indeed, their players were tested for drugs afterward, or so I hear.

Sam: They were playing some fine football that day. Thankfully it wasn't totally one-sided, with Fernando Sippel coming up with a goal in the first half, but it just wasn't enough for the Lions. Final score: BEDISTAN 1 - 2 SNUB NOSE 38.

Travis: And how about those cheerleaders?

Sam: Huh? Which ones?

Travis: The Hooligans, obviously.

Sam: Eh...I don't recall much memorable about the event. We've played Snub Nose before, so I knew what it was like. They had all the usual objects of torture: tomatoes, watermelons, pineapples, several suitcases, a dachshund, not one but TWO kitchen sinks, a few large razor blades, a mailbox, and one giant red zucchini.

Travis: Oh, so same as usual then.

Sam: Precisely.

Travis: And so we move on to the Gilmeecia game. Bi Kikere may be gone, but the team's still performing very well indeed. 'Twas a crucial game for both teams -- the winner would move on, the loser would not.

Sam: First highlight comes in the 22nd minute: here we see Nannie Coder in her fourth international appearance...Young passes it up to her, Coder strikes and scores! First goal in international play for the 25-year-old forward, and it put the Lions up one-nil.

Travis: Then Gilmeecia comes back in the second half -- here you can see that Mitchell is definitely not as fast on his feet as he used to be. I'm surprised he stayed on for another Cup.

Sam: Most likely he just wanted a chance to start once, since Bream just retired after last Cup. Mitchell was our starter for the first part of qualifying, then he was replaced with Oldenburg, whom we'll talk about later. But anyway, he let that one through and Gilmeecia equalizes.

Travis: Finally, getting really close to the final whistle, here's Claire Briscoe with a shot from the side...the goalie deflects it, but it goes straight to Fernando Sippel, who puts it in easily. That seals the Kickassers' fate and sends the Lions to the second round for the third consecutive time. Final score on that one: BEDISTAN 2 - 1 GILMEECIA.

Sam: OK, so what happened to Erik Oldenburg?

Travis: Well, he got a little...high...at the post-game party after the win over TnUI. As far as I know, that's not illegal in Ravenspire. But peeing on the hotel security guards from the balcony above...that's another matter. Erik got 48 hours in the slammer for disorderly conduct. He'll be getting out in a few minutes, which is good, seeing as the team will likely be traveling to another stadium.

Sam: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Good luck to the Bedistan Lions in their fifth quest for the World Cup! See ya later, folks.

(OOC: CH, methinks that if you moved on you would not call it unfair. What's the point of having a playoff against a team you just lost to in order to determine who moves on? You played TB, lost, and he goes through. Thems the breaks, unfortunately.)

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Pandas End Cup on Losing Note
Manager Tenerethitel Still Pleased
by Markenin Markenel

EUROPA BRITTANIA(NP) - Today marked the end of the World Cup run for the Pandas, as they played their final match already knowing that they had been eliminated.

Two days prior, Nikea had played what Tenerethitel called "one of the best matches I've ever seen our side play", as they held the high flying Belmore Family to a scoreless 90 minutes, until Alan Belmore finally got his play going with a shot that just made it past Renteritel's outstretched fingers.

The match was a gem for both sides, even though it was scoreless for the majority of the match. Jeserin Renteritel played extremely well, as he always does, for the Pandas, while his counterpart at the other end made some fine saves, consistently frustrating the Nikean scoring dynamo Jerinen Istertel, and other Nikean sharpshooters, such as Keresiuene, Irisiuene, and Mersentel.

Alan Belmore had scored 20 goals in qualifying, and the Nikean defensive plan was no secret: to contain Alan in hopes to steal a goal and claim the win. The plan worked half-perfectly, as Belmore was held scoreless, yet the Pandas could not seem to get that elusive goal.

In the final minute of injury time in the second half, Belmore finally shook off Lorinen Jaskertel, who had watched him brilliantly throughout the match, and snuck one by Renteritel in the 94th minute.. The Nikeans were slightly disappointed at being eliminated, by captain Keresiuene said spirits were high.

"We didn't expect much coming in here, to be honest, and to play so well against not just the Belmore Family, but also Bedistan and Halfassedstates in qualifying, was a great feat for us. Not just anyone can play Bedistan twice and not lose at least one of the matches. We are confident that we can only get better from here."

[code:1:e13279795b]
The Belmore Family 1 (A. Belmore 90)
v.
Nikea 0
[/code:1:e13279795b]

Today's match featured Audioslavia, who needed some help from the Belmore Family and a 4 goal victory in today's match to qualify. It was a daunting task, and the match earlier in the day that saw Oglethorpia defeat the Belmore Family 1-0 sealed the deal, eliminating Audioslavia. So today's match was more for pride than anything else.

The Pandas once again played a great match. The elusive goal did not come their way, but they played very well defensively. Heading into the World Cup, Tenerethitel knew that his offence was potent, but to see confirmation that his defence could play as well gave him "hope for the future".

Audioslavia ended up taking the match, 1-0, off a tricky goal that found its way past Renteritel in the 28th minute. While Nikea scored no goals in the three first round matches, they only allowed five, keeping them out of the bottom of the standings (that honour went to West Arrida, number 69 coming into qualifying, who scored two goals but allowed 10 for a -8 goal differential). Their rank also improved from 44 to 31 in the world, and the Pandas players and fans alike are confident that they will make it back to the cup.

World Cup IX also marked the end of international play for 3 Nikean starters. Yurin Yaskalaitel was 29 coming into the cup, and had his 30th birthday on the same day Nikea defeated Kramerica 3-0 in qualifying. He said prior to the cup that he will not be returning, as he has just had his first child with his wife Laurenrë, a daughter named Kellinë.

Keeper Jeserin Renteritel is also finished on the international stage. He was 32 coming in, and has announced that next year will be his final season, as he tries to lead SF Queldas to their 4th league title in 7 years in the Nikean Premieri Division. Kelessin Quertel will take over the duties as Nikean starting keeper. The Nikean FA has already asked Renteritel to sign on as the national side's goalkeeping coach, something which Jeserin thinks he will try.

Perhaps the biggest departure is captain Keresin Keresiuene, who is also retiring from football at the end of next season. The Nikean captain also led SF Queldas to 3 league titles in 4 years, and his deadly free kick won the Pandas and the Eagles many matches during his career. While there is no word about Captain Keri in an administrative or coaching capacity as of yet, he can be sure that the FA will be contacting him in the future.

All in all, despite not getting a goal in the Round of 32 and finishing second to last of all qualified teams, it was the first time the Pandas had qualified, and they have earned many new admirers through their play in qualifying and the World Cup First Round. They end the World Cup IX campaign with a record of 6 wins, 5 draws, and 6 losses, having scored 25 goals and allowing 24 in 17 matches played.

[code:1:e13279795b]
Audioslavia 1 (Jackson 28)
v.
Nikea 0
[/code:1:e13279795b]

<OOC>And here at last, as match day three draws to a close, is the end of my match day one commentary.</OOC>

Glick: Welcome back to the second half of match one in World Cup Nine, as Helen Mellon and your Lemmitania Lemmings face Rosa Bibere and the Tanah Burung Crocodiles. The Lemmings are sitting on a one-nil lead, on a goal by Mellon at thirty-eight minutes. She’s ready to kick off, and with a pass to Lemmy “Atom” Meisterbrau, we’re under way.

Lana: We’ve been seein’ a largely defensive match so far from the Crocs, Glick, which as we said at the top o’ the broadcast, is Coach Kikere playin’ to ‘er team’s strength. The Crocs ‘ave always been a defensive side, apt to play it conservatively, keep you from gettin’ in the net, an’ then pounce the moment you make a mistake.

Glick: So getting a first-half goal puts the Lemmings in excellent position.

Lana: So long’s they keep applyin’ the pressure.

Glick: Lemwalker with the ball now, and he passes to Brickberry. Bibere and Horta try to trap him, and he gets it away to Li. Li sends it toward Atom, Bibere intercepts, but Mellon’s right there and she knocks it away. Livit gets a foot on it, and it bounces off the pitch. Mellon’s going to throw it in, to Atom, who heads it to Brickberry.

Lana: Bing’s a fine midfielder, with a good read on ‘is opponents. But ‘e ain’t a great scorer.

Glick: Not like you were.

Lana: ‘at goes without sayin’ it.

Glick: Now Livit gets the ball, taking a pass that was meant for Lemwalker, and the Crocs take possession. Thoughts on the quest for the Hellmouth so far?

Lana: Soun’s like they’ve met wit’ all manner of unspeakable evils, Glick.

Glick: Hmm. Where’d you get that idea?

Lana: Di’n’t you ‘ear Grant say they’ve been set upon by no fewer than three Creatures of the Night?

Glick: Rats, you mean.

Lana: Creatures of the Night are vampires, Glick. I’d ‘ave thought you know that.

Glick: Grant specifically said they were rats. He doesn’t know what Creatures of the Night are.

Lana: It don’t matter if ‘e knows wot they are. ‘e was attacked by ‘em, an’ that’s that.

Glick: You’re talking nonsense, Lana.

Lana: No, you’re denyin’ the cold, ‘ard facts, Glick.

Glick: What facts?

Lana: The fact that the crypts beneath Lemmington are crawlin’ with all manner of vampires an’ other nasties!

Glick: Crypts? What’s this about crypts? There are no crypts beneath Lemmington.

Lana: No? Wull then, where the ‘eck do you think Grant an’ Clem are roight now?

Glick: They’re in the sewers.

Lana: Sewers, schemwers!

Glick: What’s that mean?

Lana: Lemme put it another way. One person’s “sewer” is another person’s “crypt.”

Glick: No it isn’t. A sewer and a crypt are too completely different things.

Lana: Tell that to the vampires. You think they like wading through shite on their way to the surface every night?

Glick: Okay, this is getting crazy. I’m sorry I brought it up.

Lana: Look, people, I can’t ‘elp it that Lemmington’s infested with vampires, sewer rats, were-alligators, an’ ‘oo knows wot other kinds of demons?

Glick: Sewer rats aren’t demons.

Lana: ‘ave you ever seen one up close, Glick? Now, jus’ because some of us come from lovely, uninfested places loik Lemco City, an’ some of you are stuck in the gigantic crap’ole known as Lemmington is no reason to go gettin’ all jealous of our lack of undead bloodsuckers an’ tryin’ to claim yours don’t exist. You ‘ave a nasty case of ‘ellmouth, an’ you might as well admit it, Glick.

Glick: I don’t live in Lemmington.

Lana: So why are you stickin’ up for ‘em?

Glick: I’m not sticking up for Lemmington! I’m saying vampires don’t exist!

Lana: You just tell that to poor Grant, ‘oo’s beset with ‘em!

Glick: Some action in the Lemmings’ penalty box now, as Syahrir and Ruak are there with the ball, Syahrir takes a kick towards goal that’s deflected over the crossbars by Lembobba. Ruak with the inbound to Santos, who--

Lana: ‘old the phone, Glick! Me bat siganl’s goin’ off!

Glick: ...huh? Your what’s what?

Lana: The pager. It’s goin’ loik mad.

Glick: Ah, the pager. So Grant and Clem are trying to get our attention. And June says they’ll be live in three, two, one.

Grant: Aaaaagggh!

Clem: Eeeeeeeiiii!

Grant: Yiiiiiiii!

Lana: O megods, they’re dyin’! They’re dyin’!

Glick: What’s going on down there?! Talk to us!

Clem: Blughrgleglbllllgluh...

Grant: Yow yow yow yow yow!

Lana: Listen at ‘em gurglin’ an groanin’! Oh, somethin’ awful ‘as ‘em! Some beasty’s chewing on their bones an’ gnawin’ on their entrails!

Glick: For the love of His Oneness, what’s happening down there?

Grant: Huh?

Clem: Glick?

Glick: Yes, it’s me! Clem, this is Glick! Can you hear me? Can you speak?

Clem: Of course I can speak.

Grant: Who izzat? Glick?

Clem: Yeah.

Grant: Wot’s ‘e want?

Glick: You were just screaming and screeching like the hounds of hell were in the midst of disembowling you!

Grant: Wot, we were on the air? Wot the ‘ell is up with that?

Lana: You signalled me on the bat signal!

Clem: Did you press the panic button, you lummox?

Grant: I dunno. Do we ’ave a panic button?

Clem: It’s right there on your belt.

Grant: Wot’s it for?

Clem: If we’re in trouble or something really exciting happens and we want to break into the broadcast, you press that and it signals them to go to us live!

Glick: So nothing’s wrong?

Clem: What would be wrong?

Lana: We thot you were bein’ eaten by demons!

Glick: I didn’t think that.

Lana: You said ‘ell’ounds.

Glick: I said it sounded like they were being disembowelled by hellhounds, not that I thought that was happening.

Lana: Oh, that’s your story now.

Glick: So if you weren’t being eviscerated, what was with all the horrid shrieking?

Clem: Well, Glick, we’ve come into a sort of cavernous anterroom of the primary sewage duct by which Lemmington dumps its crap into the sea. From this point, we’ll be descending much more rapidly.

Lana: Bringin’ you exponentially closer to the ‘ellmouth.

Clem: Yeah, sure.

Glick: And you saw something terrifying in this cavernous chamber?

Clem: Not particularly.

Glick: So, once again, what was with the screeching?

Grant: Echoes.

Clem: They’re freaking awesome in here.

Glick: Alllll righty, then. We’ll return to Grant and Clem in Lemmington when something happens. Until then, back to the match.

---

Glick: And so the goal by Taur Matan Ruak brings us to one-all. And at seventy-three minutes, we have a brand new game, Lana.

Lana: Wot’s ‘at, some kind of metaphor?

Glick: Yes, that’s a metaphor. The game isn’t actually starting over.

Lana: I thought not.

Glick: So Mellon kicks off to Lemwalker, and with less than twenty minutes remaining to play, we should have some real excitement as both sides will be pressing for a winning goal. Unfortunately, June informs me that we’ll now be going live to Grant and Clem.

Lana: An’ their descent into ‘ell.

Glick: So what’s new in the last twenty minutes, gentlemen?

Clem: Well, Glick, we’ve just descended about forty miles of stairs. We’re now somewhere near the center of the Earth.

Glick: According to the dossier, the myriad subterranean infrastrucure reaches about one thousand meters beneath the surface. So that’s probably the deepest you could possibly be.

Clem: Well, maybe it was twenty miles. But it was a long freakin’ way.

Grant: If it sounds as if we’re whisperin’, it’ because we’re tryin’ to keep our voices down so as not to alert the demons to our presence.

Clem: I’m not whispering.

Grant: Wull, I am.

Clem: No, you’re not.

Grant: Wull, I am now.

Clem: No, you’re not.

Grant: No? Wot about this?

Clem: Do you know what whispering is?

Grant: Of course. It’s wot I’m doin’.

Clem: No, it isn’t.

Glick: Okay, well, be that as it may, you’ve gone down a bunch of stairs, and now you’re where? What’s happening?

Grant: No one knows where we are, Glick. Someplace ne’er before seen by the eyeballs of Men.

Clem: Oh yeah? The how do you explain the graffiti?

Grant: Wot graffiti?

Clem: Haven’t we had this conversation before?

Grant: Wot, that? That writin’ on the walls? Is that wot you’re talkin’ about, Clem?

Clem: That would be it.

Grant: I don’t think that’s graffiti.

Clem: No? What’s it look like to you?

Grant: Gibberish.

Clem: Yeah, it looks like gibberish to me, too. But the gangs can read that.

Grant: no, they can’t. That ain’t gang-writin’, Clem.

Clem: No? You’re an expert on gang graffiti symbols, are you?

Grant: I used to run wit’ a rough crowd.

Clem: When?

Grant: In me youth. On the streets of Lemco Ci--

Glick: Limmsburgh! You’re from Limsburgh, Grant!

Grant: Oh, yeh. So I am.

Clem: Heh heh.

Grant: So it wos Limmsburgh. Same difference. I used to run with a gang called the “Downsmackers.”

Clem: The “Downsmackers?”

Grant: ‘Cause we put the smackdown on--

Clem: Yeah, yeah, I understand why you’d be called the Downsmackers. I just think that’s a stupid name for a gang.

Lana: Sounds Gilmeecian, ‘f’you ask me.

Grant: ‘at’s no worse a name than “The Zesty Ones.”

Clem: Also a stupid name.

Grant: Many would say the sound of the words “The Zesty Ones” is among the most ‘arrowin’ in the language.

Clem: I’d like to see the Downsmackers and The Zesty Ones rumble.

Grant: Ooo. Tha’d be wicked. The Earth’d be split asunder.

Clem: In all likelihood.

Glick: To bring us back on track, more or less, can you definitely say that the wiritng you’re seeing on the walls is not gang-related graffiti, Grant?

Grant: Absotively.

Glick: So what is it? What’s it look like?

Clem: Well, there’s a lot of letters more or less randomly arranged, done in black spray-paint. Some of it looks like it could be words in some foreign language, but most of it’s unpronounceable.

Grant: Gibberish, in other words.

Clem: Why would someone paint gibberish on the walls of the Lemmington sub-waterways?

Grant: Why would a gang be down ‘ere?

Clem: Good question.

Glick: So what’s the writing say?

Clem: It doesn’t say anything.

Glick: Read some of it.

Clem: Um...

Grant: Look, ‘ere’s some that’s pronounceable by the ‘uman tongue.

Clem: Y’ai ‘ng’ngah Yog-Sothoth h’lee l’geb f’ai’ throdog uaah!

Glick: Is Clem throwing up?

Grant: ‘e was readin’ the writin’.

Clem: I’m not sure I’d say that was pronounceable by the human tongue, but I did my best.

Lana: Yog-Sothoth... ain’t that one of the Evil Elder Gods?

Glick: What Evil Elder Gods?

Lana: The Evil Elder Gods.

Clem: There are no Evil Elder Gods.

Lana: The ‘ell there ain’t! ‘oo do you think’s scrabblin’ at the Edges of Perception, tryin’ to claw their way in an’ strangle our brains, Clem?

Grant: Did you notice a bit of a draft spring up as you started readin’ that, Clem?

Clem: Now that you mention it, it’s getting a little chilly down here. There must be an outlet to the Cliffs somewhere not too far away, ‘cause there’s definitely some movement in the air.

Grant: The gloom’s increasin’.

Clem: What are you talking about?

Grant: It’s gettin’ darker down ‘ere.

Clem: How can it get darker? There’s no lights. It’s as dark as can be.

Grant: Excep’ for our torches.

Clem: You know, it is getting a little harder to see the walls.

Grant: Do you smell somethin’?

Clem: Not with the sewer suit on. Oh, wait a minute. I do smell somthing. Kind of acrid.

Glick: What’s going on down there? Clem? Grant?

Clem: You know, I think I see a faint light in the distance.

Grant: Let’s go investigate.

Clem: Good idea.

Grant: Wait! Wot the ‘ell are you doin’?

Clem: I’m going to investigate.

Grant: Are you bloomin’ crazy?

Clem: I was your idea.

Grant: I was kiddin’! Fascism, Clem, fascism! Don’t you recognize it when you ‘ear it?

Clem: We’re twenty miles below Lemmington, we find strange wiritng on the wall, smell a funky smell, and see a weird light. Isn’t investigating this stuff exactly what those LRN bozos sent us to do?

Grant: Indubitably. But that don’t mean we ‘ave to put life an’ limb on the line.

Clem: Evidently, you haven’t read the small print in our contracts.

Grant: Of course not. Why for d’you think they make it small? So you won’t ‘ave to read it, of course.

Clem: The only reason I’m down here is because of that freakin’ small print, Grant. Now, I’ve waded through forty miles of shite tonight. I’ve climbed down six hundred miles of stairs.

Glick: Or maybe less than a kilometer of stairs.

Clem: I’m sure as hell not going to stand around and not investigate when something potentially intersting finally happens.

Grant: But that light’s an Unworldy light! It’s Evil, Clem!

Clem: Whatever. I don’t believe in that stuff!

Grant: Clem! Stop! That way the ‘ellmouth lies!

Clem: Great. That’ what we’re here to find, isn’t it?

Grant: No! Stop!

Clem: What the hell, Grant? Leggo of me!

Grant: No! I’m not going to let you go.

Clem: Let me go, I said!

Grant: Urf! Come on, we’re goin’ back.

Clem: Oof! Leggo, []ileggo[/i]!

Grant: Ouch!

Clem: Cripes, it’s hard to fight in a sewer suit.

Grant: Urgh!

Clem: Whuff!

Grant: I’m-- oof!-- not-- yug!-- gonna-- yowch!-- let-- ung!-- you-- hoobah!-- go!

Clem: The-- yurk!-- hell-- wowf!-- you-- gurg!-- say!

Grant: Graaargh!

Clem: Urk!

Grant: ‘ey, wot’s that comin’?

Clem: Huh? Holy--

Glick: Clem? Grant? Guys, can you hear me?

Lana: The feed’s gone dead! The feed’s gone dead!

Glick: Don’t panic, don’t panic. Folks, we’ve lost the feed from Lemmington. Clem! Grant! Grant! June, can we get any signal? Okay, people, nobody panic! Okay, any listeners in Lemmington, heres what you do: call 911! Get emergency services down there!

Lana: Ohhhh, this is awful! Yog Sothoth’s chompin’ on ‘em, I know it!

Glick: Don’t jump to conclusions! We don’t know what’s happened!

Lana: We just ’eard wot’s ‘appened! Yog Sothoth’s got ‘em! Oh, poor, poor Grant. ‘e was so young an’ attractive.

Glick: He was a married man, you know.

Lana: Wot’s with usin’ the past tense, Glick? Shame on you. Mebbe ‘e’s still alive!

Glick: You did it first!

Lana: I never did!

Glick: You did, you did! Oh, for the love of pete, we’re at each other’s throats. It’s the horror of the moment, folks, pitting Lana and me against each other.

Lana: Thet’s right, we should be united in our moment of sadness. Poor, poor Grant.

Glick: Poor Grant. And Clem too, don’t forget.

Lana: The Dean of Lemmitanian sports. Taken from us at the all-too-young age of fifty-six by the unspeakable Evil of Yog-Sothoth. I wonder if they died quickly, or long an’ agonizingly.

Glick: Does Yog-Sothoth kill people? Maybe he’s taken them back to his lair.

Lana: To devour at ‘is leisure.

Glick: Well, folks, you heard it here first. The nation’s in mourning, effective immediately, for LRN’s own Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson, devoured by Yog-Sothoth--

Lana: Or possibly not devoured, but tortured an’ ‘eld for future devourin’ back at the ‘ellmouth.

Glick: But taken by Yog-Sothoth on live radio. A chilling end to two brilliant careers.

Lana: Indeed, Glick. Incidentally, we’ve just observed Luke Lemwalker scorin’ a goal at the eighty-five minute mark, puttin’ the Lemmings on top.

Glick: What?

Lana: The football game.

Glick: How can they play football at a time like this?

Lana: They don’t know wot’s ‘appened. Grant an’ Clem met Yog-Sothoth ‘alf a world away. Those innocents down there on the field represent a different world than the one we occupy, Glick.

Glick: How so?

Lana: A world untouched by the Unspeakable Evil of Yog-Sothoth, I mean. You an’ I ‘ave crossed over into the world of People Wot ‘ave Been Scarred by the Evil of Yog-Sothoth. And the players down on the field will be joinin’ us all too soon.

Glick: When the match ends and they’re informed of the awful event that took place in the bowels of Lemmington tonight.

Lana: That’s right. But for now, they’re kickin’ the ball off with five minutes left plus penalty time.

Glick: I can’t believe they’re gone.

Lana: This is the worst thing that’s ever ‘appened during a Lemmitanian World Cup broadcast, bar none.

Glick: Absolutely. The next closest thing would be... I can’t think of anything.

Lana: Mebbe when Joey Lemstater came down wit’ knee-joint breakdown all of a sudden durin’ a game against Runaway Moose.

Glick: You know what was great about Clem? Even after he was officially named Dean of sports by the Lemmitanian Trademark Office, he never got a big head about it. He treated the title like it was just a necktie.

Lana: A necktie?

Glick: Something he put on when he headed off to work. No big deal, just a casual thing. And when he wasn’t in the booth, you’d never know he wielded an important position like Dean of sports. He was just a regular joe.

Lana: Much the same could be said of Grant.

Glick: Poor, poor Opie. To have lost his father at such a young age.

Lana: I’d forgotten! That poor, poor boy. Oh, the ‘umanity of it. Opie, if you’re listenin’ tonight, I ‘ope you ain’t too traumatized by ‘earin’ your father get eaten’ by Yog-Sothoth on live radio.

Glick: Now that Grant and Clem are dead--

Grant: ‘ello?

Clem: Is anybody hearing us?

Glick: Clem!

Lana: Grant! You’re alive!

Glick: They’re alive! They’re alive!

Grant: Are we? I think[i/] we are.

Clem: Of course we’re alive. What the hell would make you think we’re not alive?

Lana: I dunno, mebbe the fact that you were [i]just attacked by Yog-Sothoth on live radio braodcast, that’s all.

Grant: Attacked by Yog-Sothoth?

Clem: We were never attacked by Yog-Sothoth.

Glick: But your feed suddenly went dead!

Clem: This bozo tackled me and knocked the plug loose. Which was probably a good thing, or you’d have heard several minutes of wrestling in sewer-suits, which couldn’t have sounded good.

Grant: But we’ve got things worked out now.

Glick: Oh... so how did you work it out?

Grant: A frien’ly vampire came along an’ asked us to keep it down ‘cause we were disturbin’ the ‘ellmouthians.

Clem: A person came along and asked us to keep it down because we were disturbing their underground community. Turns out there’s a bunch of homeless people squatting down here. They have a pretty nice little shanty town, actually.

Grant: They never said they were ‘omeless. Wot makes you think that?

Clem: It was obvious. Why else would they be squatting way down here?

Grant: Because they’re vampires, Clem, an’ they can’t stand the light of day.

Glick: So is there a Hellmouth, or no?

Clem: No.

Grant: Absotootely.

Clem: No.

Grant: Wull, I saw a ‘ellmouth.

Clem: The hell you did.

Grant: I saw a ‘ellmouth, an’ that’s wot the vampire were crawlin’ out of. An’ I’m standin’ by that.

Clem: There was a sewer feed that they use to access the surface.

Grant: Lit with an eerily ‘ellish light?

Clem: Lit by sunlight filtering straight down. It’s a straight shot to the surface.

Grant: You mean it’s a straight shot to ‘ell.

Glick: So where are you now?

Clem: We’re on our way back up. This assignment is done, as far as I’m concerned.

Lana: And so’s the game. Final score: two-one, Lemmitania.

Glick: Well, I guess that wraps up the first match of World Cup Nine. Live from Europa Brittania, this has been Glick Masterson, with special colo commentator Lana Maelstrom, and from the depths beneath Lemmington, Grant Rockson and the Dean of Lemmitanian sports, Clem Glison. Good night, Lemmitania.

OOC:

Heh, it was long, Lemm -- but it was good.

Kudos :D

The Gilmeecia International Times

Where the news crawls to die

Kickassers Kicked Right Smack in the Ass

Fail to advance to second round of World Cup

by Gillian Gilquest, special sports reporter

In a gutwrenching ending to a spectacular campaign, the Gilmeecia Kickassers lost yesterday to the Bedistan Lions by a score of 2-1, end the national squad's World Cup run. With four points in the standings on a win, a draw, and the loss, the 'assers wound up in third place, missing out on their second consecutive trip to the Cup's second round. Coach Horschackio took the elimination in stride, saying, "Well, things happen that way in sports. We were top in the group yesterday, we're out of the Cup today. Oh well. We went into the match knowing it would be a tough one, playing against the third-ranked team in the world, and I'm not ashamed of a 2-1 loss. Making the second round again would have been nice, but I'm not disappointed with the team's performance in the tournament."

In an afternoon press conference following the defeat, President Louis Gilsterson said, "Wha-- bu-- huh-- how could this happen?" before bursting into tears. The loss puts the Kickassers in 17th position in the world, matching their current ranking.

Horrors of the Hellmouth Revealed

Gillian Gilquest, special to the supernatural beat

In a live broadcast from Lemmington yesterday, Lemmitanian broadcasters Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson braved terrors worse than death in order to explore the Hellmouth and report on its contents. What they found confirms President Gilsterson's long-time assertions that the Hellmouth will be a national treasure when it is relocated to Gilmeecia. According to Rockson and Gilson, it was crawling with vampires; so many, in fact, that they could not be contained within the Hellmouth itself, and were leaking out into an inexplicable "undead squatters' community" deep beneath the streets of Lemmington. Other demonic presences were noted as well, including an appearance by Elder Evil God Yog-Sothoth, who devoured the unfortunate reporters live on the air, leaving nothing but a few sparse bones to show that they had ever existed. This reporter's heart goes out to their families.

OOC: Why do you think there should be an additional playoff to determine whom advances (between Tanah Burung and Commerce Heights) when you've already played TB and lost?

Oglethorpia is right to question CH's idea... especially as R/EB have just sorted this in the way it would have been sorted IRL. In fact, in Euro '96, the results were sorted on the match between the tied sides BEFORE applying goal difference. (This rule helped the Czech Republic qualify through the group stage in a run that sent them all the way to the final. Can Tanah Burung do the same?)

Back IC with the Kangaroo now...

PRIDE IS ALL WE HAVE... BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE PRIDE

An experimental Kaze Progressa side warmed national hearts with a stunning 2-0 victory over already-qualified Squornshelous.

The Progressans, already eliminated, played this largely-irrelevant match underground, directly beneath the main stadium where the Svecia-Ravenspire match was being played simultaneously. [OOC note: IRL, the last matches of a group in the World Cup have to be played simultaneously (something Nikea's RP assumed was not the case here). Check out information about Algeria/West Germany/Austria in World Cup 1982 for why.]

The Progressans adjusted to the anomalous conditions quickly. Jungle-bred Mowgi Jugla burst through the defense on six minutes before his chipped pass fell straight onto the chest of Faiwe Irafma, who lobbed the ball backwards to create space for a stupendous shot that cannoned off the underside of the crossbar on its way in. The Progressans had been on the receiving end of a goal-of-the-tournament contender against Ravenspire; now they had scored one of their own. 21,000 fans underground - barely a tenth of the number overground - roared their approval.

Huqi Vaiwalo-Mua and Raq Failez - two of the few first-team regulars in the side - created numerous chances down the wings on the AstroTurf pitch, and it was a Vaiwalo-Mua cross on 29 minutes that led to a second sensational goal, albeit one born out of chance. Man-mountain Maunkaj Jawelin's header slammed against the crossbar, and from the edge of the penalty area, Fayu Owa produced a blazing overhead kick into the top corner.

Elin Faeka made a succession of superb saves throughout the first half, before appearing out of breath at half-time, unsuited to breathing in the artificial air. First-choice goalkeeper Eaka Palera replaced him, and did an equally superb job of keeping a clean sheet.

The Progressans are now ranked 26th in the world, up 33 from the start of this amazing campaign. Faiwe Irafma confirmed he will be back for one more World Cup. Speaking to Progressa TeleSport, he said 'Scoring in a World Cup, even in a meaningless match shunted underground, is a superb feeling... I would dearly love to come back, and try and score a goal that means something to Kaze Progressa in One Red Dot or Giant Zucchini. We've also got to get there, and I will continue to attempt to lead our nation there.'.

This week in news:
Presented by the Kingsford Today Newspaper
---

From Kingsford:
Alan Bemore: Inbred Scorer

Many of you Kingsforders were watching the Oglethorpia - The Belmore Family match, however you disagreed with this statement:

"I was movin' downfield, seeing the Belmorian keeper going after the ball; then I saw Alan Belmore, and seconds later, I heard this loud cheer. Torrence then told me that Alan Belmore had just scored on his own keeper. I was shocked."

During the match, Kingsford Correspondant Nick Lavalais, who was at that game, had this to say during the Athletic Review:

"The match was one sided. The Belmore Family was failing to do pretty much anything because of their many disorders due to being inbred. Then, in the 72nd, Alan Belmore (Star Striker, Star Field Hockey Player (he wears a skirt!), and President) picked up the ball with his hands inside the Oglethorpian box and started running. Officials didn't blow the whistle because they wanted to see what this inbred would do. After three gene-related seizures, he eventually reached the Belmore box and threw it into the goal. Covered in his own drool, he lied on the ground, half seizuring, half watching the ball bounce in."

Oglethorpian players swarmed Alan Belmore, trying to lift him up in the air, but he was too drool covered and smelled of feces, and they backed away. Oglethorpia went on to win the match on the... hands of their star striker, Alan Belmore.
---

From Europa Brittania:
New Strangers Bring Question

We at the Amish Post of Europa Brittania have always worn black robes and had beards. However, these new people that have arrived appear to be... not human.

Some have hair of many different colors, some with hands of giant proportions! And, they do not wear black! Their women show off their ankles and arms, my fellow Amish, I am assured by these crazy heathens that we have been invaded by aliens!
---

THE CHURCH TIMES

Controversy continues to swirl over the Lemmington Hellmouth. In a daring adventure, Lemmitanian broadcasters Grant Rockson and Clem Gilson ventured beneath the cursed city to discover the mystery of this alleged Source of All Evil.

According to reports, the broadcasters were devoured buy an Elder God whose blasphemous abominations of ineffable horror walk the tunnels under the city in an unspeakable parade of atrocity and Things That cannot be Named, so that the blood itself runs chill and they remembered nothing of that night when the Elder Rites of Awe endured and gibbered. Or words to that effect.

Some of the football-related cults of Tanah Burung are already making the connections between the new events at the Hellmouth and the unexpected advance of ther national football team to the second round by the narrowest posisble margin (ties are broken by goal difference, number of goals scored, and finally by who won in head-to-head play).

According to the 24-Hour Church of Gil (Marxist-Lemsonist), the saviour has gone to the source of evil and removed the curse that has bedevilled Tanah Burung football since the day the Crocodiles first heard the dread and unspeakable horror of the word "Lemmington."

"Here's how it works," said a drunk who was presiding over services at the church when our reporter dropped in. "The holy mantra of our faith is: Gil 'as died. Gil is risen. Gil will come again to collect 'is endorsement cheque. Well, Gil is risen in the form of Grant Rockson, and Clem Gilson (peace be upon him) is Gil's prophet. When the Risen Gil went to the Hellmouth, he redeemed us all. He took our sins on himself. You could say our sins endorsed him. Blessed be the name of Gil the Father and Grant the Son, and Clem the Holy Spirit."

Others are more skeptical. "The heretics speak lies, their lies pollute the name of Gil," said another drunk who said he was the 'Igh Chief Priest of the 24-Hour Church of Gil (Unreformed and Completely Legit). "Gil will come again, but he -- i mean, 'e -- 'asnt come yet. 'E will, and we've been collecting lots of cash in anticipation. And to anyone who thinks he might be Gil: don't try to pull any fast ones on me! I'll require some damn good proof that any so-called Gils are who they say they are. Damn good proof. Why, Gil himself -- i mean, 'imself -- probably couldn't furnish enough proof to squeeze a cent out of this completely above-board charity. Now bring me some more caviar!"

Other cults, including the Chanting Soothsayers Movement and the Catholic Church, say that their prayers were responsible for the Crocodiles' 2-1 win over Commerce Heights. But coach Bi Kikere insisted that there were no supernatural influences of any sort.

"Look," she said, "how many times do I have to say this? Football games are won and lost on the pitch. The breaks were with us this time: we did what we had to do and made it through to the second round, which is more than i ever expected in a rebuilding round. It's bad luck for Commerce Heights, but these things happen. It was bad luck for us last time i coached this team in the Cup, and bad luck four years ago when we missed out on qualification by a pretty slim margin, no thanks to those damn Belmores. You just have to suck it up and come back fighting."

After she was sacked, Bi Kikere coached Gilmeecia into a Cup contender. Ironically, Tanah Burung now goes onto the second round while the Kickassers are headed home. "Horshakio probably didn't use enough rocks," she laughed. "Nah, they did great. Considering they have about seven brain cells between them and play for a certifiable psychotic maniac. Yeah, i'm talking about you, Lou!"

Asked about who would win it all, the coach was coy. "Watch for the teams in our qualifying group, though. They may only be ranked 10 and a snub-nosed 20, but they're every bit as good as teams like Haraki and Bedistan and Liverpool England." But local gamblers aren't so coy, and are laying the heaviest money on co-hosts Europa Britannia to finally live up to their potential and take the Cup.

lol @ kingsford \o/

OOC: Schedule/brackets for round of 16 on were determined by pairing the top team in one group and the second-placed team in the next group. Every second match (the "bottom" of the two pairs on the following chart) was moved "up" one group, to avoid the possibility that two teams who faced off in the first round would meet again in the quarterfinals.

Kingsford (28 ) v. Bedistan (3) @ Europa Brittania
Squornshelous (25) v. The Belmore Family (13) @ Seladrin Bright Memorial Stadium, Ravenspire

Lemmitania (12) v. Ravenspire (9) @ Kitsuki Stadium, Ravenspire
Giant Zucchini (11) v. Dennisov (22) @ Europa Brittania

Oglethorpia (10) v. Haraki (2) @ Kowan Park, Ravenspire
Gesamtkuntswerk (20) v. Liverpool England (1) @ Europa Brittania

Europa Brittania (4) v. Runaway Moose (6) @ Europa Brittania
Snub Nose 38 (20) v. Tanah Burung (39) @ Justar Morgannan National Stadium, Ravenspire

Score telegrams will be going out shortly.

Edit for venue info. --also, the telegrams have gone out, so let me know if I missed you. 8)

OOC:

Darnit, I wish TBF were top in group E now :?

Hearing that Tanah Burung had been drawn against the Hooligans, Bi Kikere said: "What, Snub Nose 20 again? You've got to be kidding! Oh well, send my love to Ben and Margaret and may the better team win, as long as it's us."

* scampers off to check telegrams *

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Upset in Ravenspire
Oglethorpian Wonderteam advances

By Bill Christmas

RAVENSPIRE (BT) -- The Oglethorpian Wonderteam, ranked 10th in the world came out on top of group E, an accomplishment heralded by the team and their fans alike. Unfortunately, with it came a daunting second round matchup. The Wonderteam would face off with 2nd ranked Haraki in single elimination.

Oglethorpia had never advanced further than the second round; in both World Cup 5 and World Cup 8, the Wonderteam lost their first match, eliminating them immediately.

But the match against Haraki was a historical moment for the Wonderteam, for they declared a 2-1 victory over Haraki to move on into the quarterfinals.

"You don't know how freakin' awesome that is," said a physically-beat Torrence Black; who claimed a header off Kirk Calhoun's corner in the 43rd for a goal and another in the 55th. "This kicks ass; we've just got into the quarterfinals."

Haraki would put one past Ken'Ichi Yamamoto in the 51st, but Torrence Black would strike back again for the win in the 55th minute; from there on, the match was a deadlock and at the end of fulltime the Wonderteam claimed victory over Haraki, 2-1.

"I'm so psyched," said Fernando Green. "Torrence won this game for us; we're into the quarterfinals. We're into the quarterfinals!"

Team captain Fernando Green truly was ecstatic, dwelling on the words "quarterfinals" for the next half-hour in excitement.

Guy Picciotto has proven himself a fine asset to the Oglethorpian Wonderteam -- having coached Oglethorpia to it's highest rank in World Cup 8, ranked 10th following the conclusion of the Cup hosted by Oglethorpia and Bedistan. And now, he has coached them into the quarterfinals, farther than any of the three coaches that has ever been with the Oglethorpian team.

"You have to take it day by day," said Picciotto. "You can't get too ahead of yourself, or you set yourself up for disappointment. I'm definitely pleased, but we're going to keep a level head despite being in the quarters for the first time in 20 years."

The Wonderteam has faced Haraki before; in World Cup 4, Oglethorpia's first Cup. In the first round, Oglethorpia defeated Haraki 3-1. With the second round match taken into account, the Oglethorpia match record vs. Haraki sits at 2-0-0.

"That's cool, man. It proves it wasn't a fluke. We defeated 'em in IV, and now in IX. #2 in the world, upset by us. That's cool, man," said defender Bruce Corwin.

Wonderteam fans are nearly as ecstatic as the squad itself; fans elated with the fact that Oglethorpia has made the quarters.

"As long as we get some more wins," said one fan on the street watching the Tripoli Stock Exchange ticker for news of the Wonderteam's World Cup IX bid. "Just some more wins. First time in the quarters since World Cup 4 -- this is history."

EB dispatch Moose.


Co-host and world number four ranked Europa Brittania today required ninety minutes and more to dispatch the closely ranked sixth seed Runaway Moose at New Providence Park, Brittania. Seventy eight thousand five hundred fifteen brought the massive stadia to capacity, in what was a hotly anticiaped match. Manager Alistair Hughes continues to to work out of the limelight, having only given one interview in the current campaign. His starting eleven remained unchanged from the side that defeated Halfassedstates three to nothing.

playing 4-3-3-



----------------------------------------- Reeves-----------------------------------


Kainyon-------------------O'Hanrahan----------Zlichrix---------------------Stacey


-----------------------------Huntly----Kiewitz---Stalhan----------------------------


------------------------------Lester---Lionel---Lomardi-----------------------------




Ninety minutes came and went, with neither side achieving the breakthrough they so desperatley sought and wished for. However regulation time soon gave way to superb football, as EB scored twice to cement their WC IX campaign.

Lionel scored for the third time in competitive action, nodding home once more from a Kainyon corner that sent the sixty five thousand Brittanians delirious with celebration. Before Moose could even contemplate a reaction, EB added a second. A fine through ball allowed Lomardi to turn his marker totally, and dispatched a cute chip over the Moose keeper to double the score and seal the win.

Afterwards, Lionel had this to say-

I really feel like this is our time, the boys in the dressing room are buzzing and I can't blame them. The new gaffer, well he sure as hell knows how to motivate us, and being here, in Brittania during the World Cup itself....Its just something special, and I think we can go all the way."


FULL TIME

Europa Brittania 0 Runaway Moose 0

[EB win 2-0 AET]

Lionel 106

Lomardi 108

Congratulations to all remaining members of the Group 8 Bloc for advancing to the second round!

*we are in a darkened room, lit by 5 candles. which happen to form a pentagram in the center of the floor. heavy black velvet drapes are drawn across all the windows. the only way in is through a double door to our right - which is locked. three dark figures kneel side by side beside the pentagram. two are cloaked in black, one of whom holds what appears to be a model of some kind of blimp in it's hands. the third, between the two others, wears a deep burgundy robe, and a midnight blue hooded cape. she is holding a small leather pouch with two eagle feathers tied to it by a silver thread. in the center of the pentagram, on a small marble altar, lies a frozen chicken, with the word "purdue" visible on the price label. beside the altar is a bronze brazier, it's flame the only light besides the candles*

- We can begin now.
- I feel ridiculous.
- As Minister of Health, Mining, and Obscure Rituals, I decree the supplication commence!
- As Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, I think you're a nut case.
- It worked before.
- Did it? I'm not so sure.
- Well, bozo, we did it before.
- But I don't think it worked, Margaret. I think...
- Oh, shut up and start chanting!
- But, didn't you want to start the sacrificial flame first?
- Um...yeah. So, do that, then.

*the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages leans forward and dips the model blimp into the flame rising from the brazier. in the light, we see the word "crocodiles" scrawled on one side, and below that "tb". the blimp catches fire, and the minister lays it on top of the frozen chicken. which begins to thaw the chicken, little droplets of water running down the side of the marble altar*

- Now can we start chanting?
- Well, sure, Margaret. It's your ritual, after all.

"Random number gods, we supplicate thee.
Bring the Crocodiles to their knees
Let the Hooligans win this, please
When Tanah Burungs' blimp comes down
Eviscerate the little clowns"

- I need a beer.
- Shut up! Chanting now, beer later.

*we are shocked! we cannot believe this is...well, i mean we thought they...didn't you think the...but this kind of thing isn't...hmmm..."eviscerate the little clowns" - kind of has a nice ring to it*

OOC: help. i know tb and i are opponents in the 2nd round (16) - 'cause raven tged the result (rp later - tb and i are working it out). but, where's the chart/list so we can see the pairings for all 16?

:oops: Umm...never mind. *gotta remember - read first, write second.*


Kingsford (28 ) v. Bedistan (3) @ Europa Brittania
Squornshelous (25) v. The Belmore Family (13) @ Seladrin Bright Memorial Stadium, Ravenspire

Lemmitania (12) v. Ravenspire (9) @ Kitsuki Stadium, Ravenspire
Giant Zucchini (11) v. Dennisov (22) @ Europa Brittania

Oglethorpia (10) v. Haraki (2) @ Kowan Park, Ravenspire
Gesamtkuntswerk (20) v. Liverpool England (1) @ Europa Brittania

Europa Brittania (4) v. Runaway Moose (6) @ Europa Brittania
Snub Nose 38 (20) v. Tanah Burung (39) @ Justar Morgannan National Stadium, Ravenspire

OOC: Why do you think there should be an additional playoff to determine whom advances (between Tanah Burung and Commerce Heights) when you've already played TB and lost?
What makes TB beating CH any better than CH beating Errinundera?
(Actually, now that I think of it: When two teams have the same GD, what makes scoring more goals and allowing more goals better than scoring less goals and allowing less goals? :P )

IC (from before my previous post):
Tanah Burung Edges Out Commerce Heights, Ties The Bulldogs For Second Place
EUROPA BRITTANIA - What started out looking like an easy win for the Bulldogs to bring them into the round of 16 turned into a disaster in Europa Brittania. Commerce Heights maintained its 1-0 lead for the entire first half, but two goals by Tanah Burung early in the second half sealed the defeat.
(23) Commerce Heights 1 (Quigley 10)
(39) Tanah Burung 2 - FT

The game leaves TB and CH deadlocked in the second position of the group:
[code:1:67a4b8f0e2]Group C-Europa Brittania P W D L F A GD Pts
Lemmitania (12) 2 3 0 0 6 2 +4 6
Commerce Heights (23) 3 1 0 2 3 4 -1 3
Tanah Burung (39) 3 1 0 2 3 4 -1 3
Errinundera (15) 3 1 0 2 3 5 -2 3[/code:1:67a4b8f0e2]
(OOC: Remember, this is ICly before Tanah Burung became the second-placed team. ;) )

A resplendently dressed Squorn the Magnificent appeared before the people of Squornshelous on live television.

"I am pleased to announce," he said, "that Squornshelous has earned it's second ever entrance to the world cup quarterfinals!"

suddenly an aide runs up to him. "Sir there was a typographical error on that sheet we gave you."

"Well, what is it?"

"We lost sir. 3-1"

"Aww crap! You dumba--es have to do your jobs! you just made me look like an idiot on natinal TV! Holy Crap! are the cameras still rolling? turn that damn thing off right now!"

. . .the transmission abruptly ends

*exit Squornshelous*

Welcome to World Cup football, here on what is still, inexplicably, called Babble SportsNet!

I’m Jack McMurdo, and with me in the studio is former Tanah Burung coach Mr. Guntur Ruak, now a consultant with the Evil Spider football programme in Warnocks Wizards. Guntur, welcome to the show.

Guntur: Thank you Jack. Viva Lafaek!

Jack: For those of you who don’t speak Revolutionary Sloganese, Guntur has just said “Long live the Crocodiles.” Nice to see he still knows what country he’s from. Guntur, any thoughts on the line-ups today?

Guntur: Bi Kikere told me before the match that she would normally have played the Crocodiles’ usual 4-4-2 formation. Or as I call it, the territorial defence strategy: when the enemy advances, we fall back and become a wall against them. When the enemy retreats, we advance. We wait for weakness, and we strike like a cobra! But she said the 4-4-2 has not been able to beat Snub Nose 38 yet, so she’s trying something different.

Jack: I’ll say. She’s got Manupatty, Horta and Rumbiak on defence. Captain Rosa Bibere is playing up in midfield, along with Lobato, Santos and Alkatiri. And Canabe Livit has been pushed up to striker along with Taur Matan Ruak and top scorer Yosepha Syahrir. Nino Konis is in goal again. For the Hooligans, it’s Pancake in goal, Tranquillity, Yodel and Hanratty on defence, Knuckles, Neanderthal, Cromagnon and Finster in the midfield, and up front it’s Tank, Paddy and Malicious.

Guntur: Ben Dover sticking to the line-up that gave Snub Nose 38 one of the best records in the first round of this World Cup. Don’t mess with success, that’s his motto.

Jack: Is it?

Guntur: Yes, it is.

Jack: Oh, it is, is it? I’m not so sure, but let’s move on. Play is under way here at Justar Morgannum National Stadium in the great country of Ravenspire, and both sides seem to be throwing defence to the winds.

Guntur: A mistake, I tell you. Always defend. Nothing more thrilling than a scoreless draw.

Jack: Well, tell that to the Crocodiles, because they seem to have forgotten. That’s already opened the door for Knuckles, who strips the ball from Horta and takes a wicked shot -- save by Konis!

Guntur: A promising young keeper. Not like the ones we had when I was the coach.

Jack: Simon da Gama was keeper when you were coach. You called him a promising young keeper back then.

Guntur: Did I?

Jack: Yes, you did.

Guntur: I did, did I?

Jack: Yes. And here’s Bibere with one of her long runs. You know, here’s a woman who really can control the ball. It’s like watching basketball, except that she doesn’t use her hands, she’s outdoors, and she’s only 5'7" instead of some freakishly tall thing. She’s in the corner, a well-placed cross -- and it bounces off Yodel behind the line.

Guntur: Yodel? What kind of a name is that?

Jack: Your name is Guntur.

Guntur: It’s a very respectable name where I come from.

Jack: Is it?

Guntur: Oh no, not going there with you.

Jack: Aren’t you? Probably best, Bibere is taking the corner. A high cross, they’re all jumping for it. Syahrir gets his head on it -- GOAL!

Guntur: And so, we draw first blood. The treacherous imperialists will shudder from this blow, and the people rejoice. They weaken, and we strike, we strike a blow for freedom. Yes, brothers, for freedom!

Jack: Is it? Looked more like a blow for the Hooligans. But they’re storming right back. Tranquillity, forward to Neanderthal, his pass to Malicious, the shot -- it’s good! Just inches past the outstretched fingers of a diving Nino Konis, and the Hooligans have tied it up quicker than you can say tie.

Guntur: I like your tie, by the way.

Jack: Oh, this? My ma made it for me. Knitted from finest llama wool, it was. I like your tie too.

Guntur: I like your eyes.

Jack: Oh, baby, do you?

-- cut to commercial --

Jack: We’re back, and Guntur and I are pleased to announce our engagement. But you’ll probably be more interested to hear that Knuckles has scored.

Guntur: That Knuckles. What a player.

Jack: Is he?

Guntur: Yes, dammit, he is. I can still call off this marriage, you know.

Jack: Can you?

Guntur: Oh, that’s it. Come here, you impossible man!

-- cut to station identification --

Jack: OK, we’re back again, just in time to show you this great run by Tank. It’s like he’s cutting through the Crocodiles defenders, almost as if they can’t touch him. Almost as if he’s got some sort of magic talisman.

Guntur: There have been numerous reports of Snub Nose 38 using black magic including the utterly immoral murder of innocent chickens. And is it any coincidence that when Snub Nose 38 made it to the World Cup in Tanah Burung, they were ranked 39, and now Tanah Burung is ranked 39? I think this may the real curse: they have stolen our souls and taken our rightful place.

Jack: Uh, okay. Anyways, Tank has a shot away. A scramble in front of the net ... Finster slams into Konis, and the keeper is down ... Tank has a touch -- it’s in! 3-1 Hooligans, and that looks like curtains for the Crocs. And Konis is down, too, maybe it’s curtains for him.

Guntur: Bad news, with Bi Kikere on the sidelines. Let’s just hope she doesn’t put herself in, she’s past 50 years old now.

Jack: Not much chance of that. Last time she put herself in goal her team was on the wrong end of a 6-0 loss.

Guntur: Bad day for her. Got me the job, though.

Jack: But she’s not doing it. It’s back-up keeper Anwar El Hamid going in.

Guntur: They probably wouldn’t hire me back anyways, she has a no-firing clause in her contract.

Jack: Does she?

Guntur: Silence. She has a no-firing clause. I have to get one of those too. The working class should not be liable to being fired all the time. Job security was one of the goals of the revolution.

Jack: You’re not working class. You make top dollar as an international coach.

Guntur: Just call the game.

Jack: Alright sugar. The Crocs are all pressing forward now, trying to claw their way back into this game. Manupatty charging forward, the pass to Taur Matan Ruak...

Guntur: Expect a rocket of a shot.

Jack: ... and it’s a rocket of a shot! Too much for Pancake, and the Crocs get one back! Hey Guntur, are you related to this guy?

Guntur: He is a member of my clan, yes.

Jack: Clan Cuddly?

Guntur: Not now, lover-boy.

-- cut to stock footage of a farmer whistling to himself in a rice paddy --

Jack: With the score 3-2, the Crocs have the momentum in what’s been a see-saw battle. Bibere shoots it across to Livit -- she scores! it’s all even again, at three goals each.

Ruak: These two teams clearly know each others’ weak spots all too well. That, plus they have stolen our souls. Bastards.

Jack: A sensational game, although not typical Tanah Burung style. We’ve had word that Europa Britannia has defeated Runaway Moose and awaits the winner of this match. A tough test for whoever wins this goal-fest. And there’s the whistle, with the score 3-3. Come here, Guntur honey!

-- cut to test pattern --

Announcer: due to technical difficulties in our studio, we will now switch to Snub Nosed television feed.

What makes TB beating CH any better than CH beating Errinundera?
(Actually, now that I think of it: When two teams have the same GD, what makes scoring more goals and allowing more goals better than scoring less goals and allowing less goals? :P )


(OOC: What difference does beating Errinundera make? Here are just a couple reasons that have no bearing at all on the final decision yet disprove your "I beat Errinundera so I should go through" thesis.

Errinundera finished bottom of the group.
The rank difference between you and Errinundera is only 8, while the difference between you and TB was 16.

I just made up two reasons why you should not go through. In deciding placing when two teams are tied exactly, same GD, goals for, goals against, etc., it is determined through head to head result. TB v. CH. Not CH v. Errinundera. You lost to TB, you're out.

Sorry to be harsh and all but it really is silly. You still have a higher rank than at least 60 other people, so you should not really complain.)

NEWSFLASH:

Giant Zucchini dispatched fellow ex-champions Dennisov in a thrilling contest in Europa Brittania. After a chanceful yet scoreless first half, Giant Zucchini broke the deadlock 17 seconds into the second half, Urk picking up the ball in midfield and advancing forward before unleashing a 20-yard shot into the bottom right corner. Despite his effort lacking real power it was beautifully placed to give Cheevers little hope of preventing the score, although the Dennisov keeper will not have been pleased with his defence who were caught unawares. Dennisov's attacking ambition was rewarded in the 73rd minute when Provonost's chip to the far post was met by Goulet who drew Oog before squaring neatly to Conacher who made full use of the open goal before him. Conacher then set Goulet who slipped his shot past Oog into the left corner but there was still time for Phoot to level the score after he met Aargh's cross and nodded home. Dennisov only needed four minutes of extra time to score the silver goal. MacKay served a cross from the right touchline, and Malone, who had come on for Goulet in the second half, swept the ball into the far-side netting with a beautiful half-volley from the edge of the goal area. The crucial goal came on the end of a stunning bit of genius from the Zucchinis. A lovely back heel from Urk found Kerrnigit, and after a quick cut, the midfielder fired his shot off the inside of Cheevers’ post. The spot-kicks, Oog was magnificent. He saved shots by Gillies and Gartner, and MacKay missed off the crossbar, with only Malone and Laviolette finding the net for Dennisov. For Giant Zucchini, Krak and Thunk missed, but strikes by Phoot, Kerrnigit, and Urk were enough to start Giant Zucchini’s celebration and send them through to the quarter-finals.


Final Score:

Giant Zucchini - 4 (on penalties)
Urk (46), Phoot (90), Kerrnigit (104)

Dennisov - 3
Conacher (73), Goulet (79), Malone (94)


Penalties:

Giant Zucchini: (3)
Krak X
Phoot O
Thunk X
Kerrnigit O
Urk O

Dennisov: (2)
Laviolette O
Gillies X
Gartner X
Malone O
MacKay X

(OOC: 2nd last paper tomorrow, the wait is almost over...can't wait for full scale RPing again!)

OOC: Why do you think there should be an additional playoff to determine whom advances (between Tanah Burung and Commerce Heights) when you've already played TB and lost?
What makes TB beating CH any better than CH beating Errinundera?
(Actually, now that I think of it: When two teams have the same GD, what makes scoring more goals and allowing more goals better than scoring less goals and allowing less goals? :P )

no offence, but who are you to argue with 100 odd years of football history? :P This is just THE way its done. Pts > GD > GS > Matches between teams

Miracle on Grass

The final game of the group stages against West Arridia was that of hopes and prayers of miracles.

The poor and unlucky performances against both Halfassedstates and Europa Brittania meant that Dennisov needed to win, and win big. Not only they had to win, but the slim chance of qualifying depended heavily on the result between Europa Brittania and Halfassedstates. The two games would be played simultaneously.

Dennisov took an early lead with Goulet finding the net after a mere 3 minutes. A pass from Gillies found Goulet on the brink of offside. The players from West Arridia protested when Goulet was allowed to run up to the goal and find the net without any problems.

The rest of the half saw Dennisov attack feverishly, but were unable to continue on their 3rd minute success. With Mackay and Conacher looking for Goulet time after time, the defenders of West Arridia were all over him.

The second half started with Mario Lemieux once again taking the field, replacing Mackay. The magnificent one made his presence felt right away. Picking up the ball on his own half he dribbled to the touch line, serving Goulet with a perfect cross.

He then took full control of the game with great positioning, at the edge of the box, thundering the ball into the top right hand corner. On the hour Dennisov had a 3-0 lead.

Both Provonost and Goulet could have scored and maybe should have. With Lemieux visibly tired and in pain the score didn't change anymore and after game the entire team went to the bench to discover the shock that they had done enough to make the impossible come true, qualification for the last 16.

Dennisov - West Arridia 3-0
3. Goulet
49. Goulet
57. Lemieux

Thriller to End Cup Run

This year's performance was of both great success and a bitter reality that Dennisov doesn't have the stars she once had.

After Lemieux's performance against West Arridia, and the sheer luck of the team seem to have, both of these ran out, but it took penalties for the luck to run out.

A first half with both former champions being equally matched, the Dennisov defence balancing out the Giant Zucchini's attack.
The battle took place on the midfield. A visible nervous Lemieux trying to give directions, warning his players, showing and pointing, his back preventing him to do something on the field.

Cheevers managed to keep his goal clean, making some nice saves that will one day make a great video for his kids.

Whether the goal in the 46th minute will appear in that video remains to be seen. A 20-yard shot by Urk seemed to be stoppable but somehow eluded him. A furious Cheevers will most likely be penalised for his language he used for his defenders. Especially Provonost had much to endure from the usually calm Dennisov goalkeeper.

Provonost took his goalie's words to heart and set up Goulet in the 73rd minute. While he could have taken the chance himself, he remained cool and passed to Conacher leaving the onrushing goal tender, Oog, completely out of position.

Conacher and Goulet found eachother again, with just 11 minutes to play, to put Dennisov 2-1 up. The Dennisov defence with Cheevers as their leader dug themselves in to try and hold on to their precious lead.
With the clock slowly ticking away for Giant Zucchini, Lemieux was so close to advancing yet another round.

So close, but as the clock reached 90, the ball had to be picked out of the back of the net. Phoot headed in an Aargh cross. Cheevers protested, claiming that he'd been pushed, but the goal stood.

Once again, Dennisov had to attack, having just gotten used to defending their lead for the last 15 minutes. Malone who had been playing for a tired Goulet put the Dennisov fans into exctacy with a fantastic half volley, just 4 minutes into extra time.

Once again the Dennisov team dug themselves in. Holding off the imminent onslaught of Giant Zucchini's attacks.

Once again they failed, a cheeky backheel from Urk allowed Kerrnigit to show his marksmanship, angling the ball from the post behind Cheevers.

The battle of goalies between Oog and Cheevers in the penalties, in which this game would be decided, was one for the highlight reels.
Both goalies were magnificent. Oog winning by 1 after MacKay saw the tournament come to an abrubt end when he nearly broke the crossbar in half.

At the start of the qualications, everyone would have been elated reaching the last 16. But going out on penalties after being ahead twice, somehow leaves a bitter taste. Truth is, Dennisov never dominated their opponents, save in their game against West Arridia.

With WorldCup X just around the corner, there is a lot work to be done to rebuild the attack, as this has indeed become the weakness of the modern Dennisov team.

OOC: Why do you think there should be an additional playoff to determine whom advances (between Tanah Burung and Commerce Heights) when you've already played TB and lost?
What makes TB beating CH any better than CH beating Errinundera?
(Actually, now that I think of it: When two teams have the same GD, what makes scoring more goals and allowing more goals better than scoring less goals and allowing less goals? :P )

For that matter, what makes a bigger GD necessarily better? Nothing.

The real answer is that something has to be used to decide in a tournament who moves forward when, for all real intents and purposeses, two or more sides are tied.

What we're using here are the FIFA rules (which most FAs and Leagues also use - not, of course, Major League Soccer (MLS) here in the US, because we are obsessed with having a winner, even at the expense of screwing up an already established sport - *calm down...calm down...get back on topic*) Er...as I was saying, we use the FIFA rules as much as possible to stay as close as we can to RL. And the FIFA method of determining who is "the better" side is (I think this is right):
1. More points (3 for win, 1 for draw, 0 for loss)
2. If points are tied - Bigger Goal Differential
3. If points and GD and tied - More Goals For
4. If points, GD, and GF are tied - whichever side won the head-to-head match between them (or has the better record in case of multiple head-to-head matches)
5. If points, GD, GF and H-to-H are the same - for instance, 2 H-to-H matches that both ended in draws - I don't really know. I think that at this point they have a "playoff" match - but I'm not sure.

"What difference does beating Errinundera make?"
So..."If beating Errinundera doesn't make a difference, why does losing to TB make a difference?"

no offence, but who are you to argue with 100 odd years of football history?
I'm the owner of the team that just got dropped in rank (yes, I know, it was 1 rank, but I still did better than I did last Cup, so...) on a technicality. ;)

The real answer is that something has to be used to decide in a tournament who moves forward when, for all real intents and purposeses, two or more sides are tied.
Why not have a tournament where everybody moves on to the next round? :lol:

CH the reason for going to goals for was to promote Attacking Play.

*****ASPN WORLD CUP 9 SPECIAL REPORT*****

*a test pattern. (sidebar from the ministry of statistics, other totally useless information, and band aids: a test pattern is what tv stations used to put on the air when they were off the air – which, by way of providing some historically correct and utterly pointless information, all tv stations used to do. they would come on the air at some ungodly hour in the morning with some “farm report” or other, broadcast through the day and into the late evening, then sometime after midnight would “sign off” and the test pattern would come on until the next morning. it was also useful because…um…this has nothing to do with football, does it?)*

*the test pattern changes to the aspn sports desk. the aspn sports theme, still most inappropriate for a sports show, is playing. behind the desk sits our intrepid reporter. on the wall behind him are a snub nose 38 hooligans jersey, and a tanah burung crocodiles jersey. there is an odd little picture next to the croc jersey. a careful look shows us that it’s a picture of a strawberry.*

- …What…? Oh. We welcome those of you who’ve been watching the Babble SportsNet coverage of the World Cup 9 match between the Tanah Burung Crocodiles and the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans. We understand transmission failed for technical reasons. To bring you up to speed, it’s half time in Justar Morgannum National Stadium there in Ravenspire, with the score tied at 3 – 3. Malicious, Knuckles, and Tank have each scored for the Hooligans, while the Crocodiles goals were by Syahrir, Taur Matan Ruak, and Livit. The sides have gone off to their locker rooms for half time, and…

*our reporter puts his hand to his ear, adjusting the small almost invisible headset*

- …What?…Speak up, man! Okay, then. - We’ve been asked to announce that there is absolutely no truth to the allegations made today on Babble SportsNet by Guntur that Snub Nose 38 uses black magic, or sacrifices chickens, or have stolen the souls of the Tanah Burung Crocodies in order to take their “rightful place”. It didn’t happen. It will never happen. It isn’t happening now.

*the scene changes from the aspn studios to the pitch in ravenspire. we see the snub nose 38 hooligan cheerleaders gathered along the sidelines. as they trot out onto the field and form up in the traditional “38” pattern, the announcer continues with voice-over*

- There had been some doubt that the Hooligan Cheerleaders would make any appearances during World Cup 9. Before the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans departed for Ravenspire and the competition, the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages announced with great joy…er…dismay that this years budget did not include sufficient funds to acquire passports and visas for the Cheerleaders, nor to provide transportation to Ravenspire. We’ve been told the Hooligan Cheerleaders hitch-hiked here from Sten in Snub Nose 38 – and in record time. When a reporter asked the Cheerleaders exactly how they managed that, they pummeled him severely, and rode him out of town on a rail. No one has raised the issue since then. In any case, the government of Ravenspire let them into the country, and the officiating crew here at Justar Morgannum National Stadium let them in, so we will now have the opportunity to suff…enjoy a performance by The Snub Nose 38 Hooligan Cheerleaders!

“Snub Nose Hooligans, Hip Hip Hurray!
Gonna beat Tanah Burung – TB – today!
TB Crocodiles, here’s what we say
TB means tuberculosis over our way
eviscerate…eviscerate…eviscerate...eviscerate…eviscer –“

*the Tanah Burung National Rotten Vegetable Toss Champions are seen to enter the stadium on the run, and charge across the pitch towards the hooligan cheerleaders. the moment they are in range, the barrage of over ripe fruit and vegetables begins. they move to encircle the cheerleaders as they continue the pummeling. as you watch the intensity of this attack, remember – don’t try this at home – you could hurt yourself. these are professionals, well trained, practiced, and in excellent shape.*

- My god! *our announcer on voice-over* How can they survive that?

*as if to answer, the cheerleaders form a flying wedge, and slice their way through to the exit tunnel. as they do, several of them lift kevlar shields overhead to ward of the shower of vegetation (tomatoes, peaches, watermelons, celery, pears, buckets of raspberries, the traditional small goat, everything but the kitchen si…nope, there goes a kitchen sink. The cheerleaders run through the exit, the national rotten vegetable toss champions hard on their heels.*

- And now, these announcements.

*cut to commercials. we go into the kitchen and raid the ‘fridge. when we get back.*

- …defensive. So, it seems, are the Hooligans. Both sides have swapped a striker for another defender here in the second half. There’s a beautiful pass by the Crocs up the right side – give and go – switches fields – shot! Headed away by the Hooligan defender. Now the Hooligans try a fast break down the center – through the midfield – through the defense – shot! Snatched out of the air by Anwar El Hamid! Tanah Burung bring the ball back to midfield – excellent ball control – good possession – long pass – Hooligans intercept! Drive down the left side – pass to center – pass back to the left – What a tackle! Tanah Burung back to midfield. Possessing the ball into the attacking third. Moving left. Moving right. Slipping the ball between two defenders – not quite! Hooligans steal the ball again – moving it through midfield - …

*’scuse us. we have to use the little boys room.*

*when we get back, we find the score remains tied at 3 – 3, with only minutes left in the match.*

- What a shot! Pancake just able to punch it up and over the crossbar. The Crocodiles set up for the corner. It comes in at just about the 6, and is headed away by a Hooligan defender – and rounded up by a Crocodile striker – shot! Pancake falls on it, and just keeps it from going through his legs. He waves his team up the field, bounces the ball on the pitch, and then kicks it away. Headed back towards the Hooligan side of the pitch by Tanah Burung – and theres the final whistle! We go to added time and the Silver Goal!

*back to the fridge – the cold turkey is very good, we want some more.*

- eleven minutes, and still we’re tied at 3 – 3. Tanah Burung maintaining possession – moving into Hooligan territory – a clean pass to the left – one-timed to switch fields – an attempt to chip the defense – but the Hooligan defender backs up and chests the ball to his feet – dribbles out of the box – a long pass to midfield – another long pass to Malicious, just inside the box – left foot trap, right foot strike – IT’S IN THE NET! IT’S IN THE NET!. With three minutes of added time left, this could be the silver goal!

- The Crocs have kicked off – back to midfield – long overhead to the strikers – to the corner – it’s crossed – shot! Rebounds off Pancakes hands! Shot! Pancake, on his back, kicks it away! Shot! Headed off the line! Shot! Off the post! Falls to the feet of Knuckles, who’s back on defense. He drives it hard up and out towards midfield. And there’s the final whistle!

TANAH BURUNG CROCODILES 3 – SNUB NOSE 38 HOOLIGANS 4 (AT)

*****THIS HAS BEEN AN ASPN WORLD CUP 9 SPECIAL REPORT*****

TBF QUALIFY FOR FIRST EVER QUARTER FINAL

TBF have qualified for our first quarter final with a 3-1 victory over Squornshelous, it wasn't easy though. Their number 10 scored first off with a great goal from an equally great cross from their number 7. Alan Belmore struck back 20 minutes later to equalise the match. Towards the end of the first half however chances were few and far between with neither side having the upper hand. As the second half began Squornshelous seriously outplayed TBF with their number 10 hitting the bar twice but then, 1 minute into injury time TBF caught them on the brake, Parkinson swept it to Goshawk who ran it down the line to the edge of the pitch, he played it back to Alan Belmore who had an easy 1 on 1 with the goalie, finding no difficulty in chipping the ball over the keeper and into the back of the net! But as insult to injury for Squornshelous they let away a penalty giving TBF a third and Alan Belmore a hat-trick.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 3
Alan Belmore (24, 90+1, 90+4 pen)

SQUORNSHELOUS
Number 10 (4)

"The real answer is that something has to be used to decide in a tournament who moves forward when, for all real intents and purposeses, two or more sides are tied.
Why not have a tournament where everybody moves on to the next round? :lol:

That's what we do with the 5-8 year olds in the summer league. :wink:

BFKR Channel 24 News - High Mountain, LA
with Linda Reynolds and Greg Wheeler

Greg: And so now we head over to the sports desk with Vince Underhill. Vince, how're the Lions doing in Europa Brittania?

Vince: Pretty well, I'd say. Our team played the Kingsford National today in Europa Brittania. Mostly a defensive competition. Here come the highlights...

[footage rolls]

Vince (voiceover): It all got started in the 28th minute, kinda late...Darren Morlock's still out after that injury in the TnUI match, Jeanie Fiorita playing in his place against Kingsford, and bless her, she's doing her absolute best to try to get something for the team. Here she takes a shot, one that as you can see is easily deflected by the keeper -- but it goes right back to her. She tries it again, but the keeper again gets hold of it and sends it back into play. But here she gets the ball back again -- but this time her shot is off the crossbar and out of play.

Linda: Poor girl...you can see how badly she wanted that goal, but it just wasn't her turn.

Vince: Nothing else of importance in the first half, score stays 0-0 at the break. But now in the second half, about ten minutes in, here comes Sippel down the right side, he looks like he's taking a shot here, but he totally fakes out the goalie! As the goalie dives for the non-existent ball, Fernando sends it over to the other side of the net, where it goes in unopposed.

Greg: Very nice shot there, but also risky -- many keepers wouldn't have fallen for that. I'm surprised the Kingsforder did.

Vince: So am I. But it happened, and it worked in our favor. The final score on that: KINGSFORD 0 - 1 BEDISTAN.

Linda: So who are we playing next, Vince?

Vince: Looks like it'll be The Belmore Family, who finished off Squornshelous 3-1. Should be an exciting quarterfinal match.

Greg: Now if I'm right, the only team that beat us in the group stage is also moving on to the quarters, correct?

Vince: Indeed. Snub Nose 38 Hooligans over the Tanah Burung Crocodiles 4-3. That was an exciting game; I caught it on TV.

Linda: Well, good luck to the Lions in their match against the Belmores.

Vince: Oh, and just to lend my voice to some of the ongoing allegations -- as much as I'd have liked to see our southwestern neighbors in the second round, Tanah Burung did indeed deserve to move on instead of Commerce Heights. Sorry, but that's just the way it works. Just thought I'd clarify that.

Greg: Thanks, Vince. Now let's go to Iris Dean for the weather...

--------------------

Final score:
Kingsford 0
Bedistan 1 (Sippel 55)

Somewhere in a Kingsford Insane Asylum

Ex-Kingsford National Dan Hall turns off the TV and pulls out a folded piece of paper and a pen. As he unfolds it, the words "People to Kill" is visible at the top. He adds a new name to a list of two. When he is finished, the list reads:

Alan Belmore
Halfassed States Coach
Bedistan Coach

He folds the paper and but it and the pen back away. "If I haven't seen it, it's new to me!" He says, and then lets out a diabolical laugh...

EXEUNT

"What difference does beating Errinundera make?"
So..."If beating Errinundera doesn't make a difference, why does losing to TB make a difference?"

because you tied with TB. if two teams are tied, whats the best way of deciding which one is the more deserving to go through? how about.... the match they just played against each other?

I'm the owner of the team that just got dropped in rank on a technicality. ;)

it isnt a technicality. TB did better than you. They beat you.

but think about it, what difference is there between a team on 5 points and a team on 4 points? say you have teams A, B, C and D. Team A draws with team B, beats C and draws 1-1 with D. Team B draws with A, beats C but loses 2-1 to D thanks to a last minute penalty... i mean what is there REALLY to seperate the sides? i mean, why have 3 points for a win, if you only just beat the other side? why not have a 'moral world cup' where the team who plays the best football goes through?

having the whole goal-difference/goals-scored thing, means that a side knows what it has to going into the last game. basically, you had to get a better goal difference than TB, because when it comes down to it, if you have the same record but he's won the match against you, then he's going to finish above you.

edit: its like the away-goals rule in the UEFA cup/champions league: if you lose the away leg 1-0, and in the home leg, you go 1-0 down after 10 minutes, you know you have to score 3 goals to win the match, you cant score 2 and have a go at FIFA because you went out 'on a technicality'.

edit: the words below have changed slightly, using Audioslavia's patented 'chimp effect' machine. Its like the 'morning after' pill, in that is has the task of minimilising the reprocutions of the night before. They contraceptive pill and the 'chimp-effect' machine are actually quite similar. One stops you giving birth to crying ranting weird stuff, the other stops you getting pregnant :)

you did not lose on a technicality. in USA '94 they were planning to use 'least amount of yellow cards' as a tie-breaker (thank god they didnt), THAT would have been a technicality. The aim of football is to win games by scoring goals and not conceding goals, so, if you cant break two teams up by points, then the amount of goals theyve scored is an obvious choice to decide. Anyway, in world cups there just isnt time to play another game between the sides.

at the end of the day, prejudiced as it may seem, you dont understand because you are a chimpanzee. Chimpanzee sports are over-tree, banana-orientated and primative. English sports like Rugby and Football have far less bananas. 90 (or 80 in rugby) minutes to decide which of the two teams are smaller, hairier, and can say 'ooh ooh ah ah' the most. no time-outs, no plays, no fourth-and-goal, no cheerleaders, and no fucking 'hey, its ultra-mega-tie-break-time!'

dont try and throw fridges at OUR game because the players dont stop to pick fleas off each other and eat them in that weird chimpanzee way, dont throw fridges OUR game because 'ooh you have to go away and advertise PG tips (british joke \o/)', and dont throw fridges at OUR game because you dont understand the desperate need that british people have to still claim to be a big world superpower (in sports and otherwise) and that we will go at any lengths, even to the point of making hideously unneccary rants at nothing in paticular, to remind people of this.

g'nite bitches :)

TBF QUALIFY FOR FIRST EVER QUARTER FINAL

TBF have qualified for our first quarter final with a 3-1 victory over Squornshelous, it wasn't easy though. Their number 10 scored first off with a great goal from an equally great cross from their number 7. Alan Belmore struck back 20 minutes later to equalise the match. Towards the end of the first half however chances were few and far between with neither side having the upper hand. As the second half began Squornshelous seriously outplayed TBF with their number 10 hitting the bar twice but then, 1 minute into injury time TBF caught them on the brake, Parkinson swept it to Goshawk who ran it down the line to the edge of the pitch, he played it back to Alan Belmore who had an easy 1 on 1 with the goalie, finding no difficulty in chipping the ball over the keeper and into the back of the net! But as insult to injury for Squornshelous they let away a penalty giving TBF a third and Alan Belmore a hat-trick.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 3
Alan Belmore (24, 90+1, 90+4 pen)

SQUORNSHELOUS
Number 10 (4)

[Association of Futebol Office Complex]

"Well, if Alan Belmore's as good as a striker as these papers from the Belmore Family say he is; essentially scoring every goal for their team, why would they start any other strikers?"
"Who knows, sir. Maybe it's propaganda. After all, he did score a goal on himself to lose the match against Oglethorpia."
"Yeah, you're probably right."

at the end of the day, prejudiced as it may seem, you dont understand because you are an american. blah blah blah

dont try and change OUR game blah blah blah dont change OUR game because blah blah blah and dont change OUR game blah blah blah

What a load of patronising drivel.

Round-of-16 results (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2132968#2132968) are posted. I suppose this means I should RP my last two matches some time soon. ^_^; Expect the next set of score telegrams beginning around 5:30-6:00 PM US Eastern time tomorrow (forums permitting).

*a forest green morgan, top down, is whipping around the curves of a mountain road somewhere in ravenspire. ben dover, thoroughly enjoying his brown leather bomber jacket and driving gloves, downshifts through two gears for a particularly sharp curve. the passenger seat seems to be occupied by isadora duncan, white scarf flowing back over the collapsed top and boot. as the morgan slides past us, with ben moving back up through the gears, we see that it's eileen dover, wine glass in hand.*

- ...what!?
- I said it's just up ahead!
- What?!
- The gasthaus - it's just up ahead.
- In bed?!
- The gasthaus! Where we're going to celebrate the win!
- What?!
- I said where we're going to celebrate the win!
- We should celebrate.
- We are celebrating!
- Salutations?
- Celebration!
- Calibrate what?
- I hope Bi isn't feeling too bad!
- Your tooth is sad? What?
- Bi! I hope she's not taking this to hard!
- Bi is not a tub of lard!
- Have another glass of wine.
- Don't mind if I do.

*eileen pours herself another glass of wine*

- Europa Brittania next!
- Rope a can of what?!
- We never got past here before!
- Do what with an ear of corn?!
- I said, we've never gone farther!
- Watch what you say about my father!

*ben gives up. he downshifts, brakes, and pulls over to the side of the road. once at a complete stop, he shuts off the engine, pulls on the hand brake, and turns to eileen*

- The gasthaus where we're going to celebrate the Hooligans win over the Crocodiles is just up ahead. I hope Bi isn't taking the loss too hard - just hard enough. And then we have to get the Hooligans ready to face Europa Brittania.
- Well, why didn't you say so?

dup

Bi Kikere steps off the blimp in Tiga Burung and straight into a forest of microphones. "Coach! Coach!" the reporters cry. She silences them with a glare.

"All right, you vultures. A few words. I would like to congratulate my team for its incredible performance. We were ranked 39th, and we were not expected to qualify, let alone make the second round. Crocodile football is back.

"My commisersations" -- she chokes out the word -- "go to the great team from Commerce Heights. It hurts to be pipped at the post. I know well the sting of a bad game. But certain countries need to know they can't buy their way into the second round. Football is about hearts, and legs, and thrashing England, it's not about who can buy the best team. Yeah, we don't hold much with 'commerce' in these parts.

"My very best wishes," -- she sounds like she is choking on these words -- "to Snub Nose 20. They played a great game, damn them. I'd wish them well, but it would stick in my craw too much. I would enjoy seeing the Hooligans get eviscerated by Oglethorpia however, so i hope they last at least one more round. And you can quote me on that. I hope they get eviscerated. Yes, i'm saying that word again. And it feels good.

"There will be no questions."

American sports are over-complicated, stop-starty and technical. English sports like Rugby and Football are free-flowing, simple and beautiful. 90 (or 80 in rugby) minutes to decide which of the two teams is better. no time-outs, no plays, no fourth-and-goal, no cheerleaders, and no f--- 'hey, its ultra-mega-tie-break-time!' bullshit.

Heh heh. Stop-starty. I think that's the best description for American sports I've seen. But, hey, without cheerleaders, how do you get excited about the game?

dont try and change OUR game because....

This part is rather patronizing, to be fair.