NationStates Jolt Archive

“Welcome back to Channel 9 Griffwitness News Bostopia.

In sports, Bostopia's ally Casari has defeated Ariddia 4 – 2 on penalty kicks to advance to the World Cup Semi-Finals. And now, a report from sports correspondent, Kelly Firth, who has recently been sacked as Bostopia manager, Kelly.”

The shot cut to the ever-nude Kelly Firth who was reporting from Fort Boston Park.

“Thanks, Greg. Yes, there were joyous scenes up and down the country today after Casari beat Ariddia. Before the game, so as not to offend Bostopians, the theme tune of a comedy show was played (ooc: Benny Hill) instead of the national anthem of Communist Ariddia. The Casaran anthem was of course greeted with total respect by crowds in Fort Boston Park watching on the big screens, who each got to take at least one hamster home depending on how many children they brought with them.

After Hill scored the final penalty kick, the crowd erupted into cheers that had not been heard here since Bostopia managed to qualify for the World Cup themselves. Fans will now be hoping that Casari can continue their path to the World Cup final. This is Kelly Firth, reporting for Channel 9 Griffwitness News, Bostopia.”

“Thanks Kelly. The Football Association has today announced an invitational tournament will take place between the final of World Cup 39 and the start of the Starblaydia-hosted Baptism of Fire for World Cup 40. The teams invited have been Casari, Daehanjeiguk and Sorthern Northland, with all teams accepting the offer. Sources inside the Ministry of War tell us the current state of war with Sorthern Northland will be “reviewed.” The F.A. Confirmed that all teams have accepted the invitation, though did not comment on rumours that this was part of an exploratory committee looking into hosting the Baptism of Fire pre-World Cup 41 qualifying.

What we know is that the format will be a league system, with teams playing each other twice. Each team will be assigned a “home city”, and bids have been coming into the F.A. from various City and Borough Councils across Bostopia. However the F.A. have told us that Fort Boston will not be used, as the pitch at the Fort Boston Arena is being relayed ready for the new season, and that as both stadiums in the City are at a capacity well in excess of many other grounds, it would be a greater home advantage for whichever team was drawn there. We'll of course be bringing you updates on the story as we get them, and you can also visit www.channel9news.bp/sport for more on-demand information.”

...We'll of course be bringing you updates on the story as we get them, and you can also visit www.channel9news.bp/sport (http://www.seomoz.org/images/upload/simpsons_nelson_haha2.jpg) for more on-demand information.”

*click*

Hwang: Dammit, this link doesn't work.

Wang: You're clicking it in an alternate reality. You have to make it a real reality.

Hwang: But if we do that, then all this bad stuff will have happened.

Wang: Then don't do it.

Hwang: Hey I've gotten it to work!

Wang: Wha? How'd you do it?

Hwang: I don't know, but it's taking me to a porn site. And it's all male porn too...

Wang: GAH! MY EYES! I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT! DELETE! DELETE!

(try out the website!!!)

TO: The High Priestess of
From: King Richard I of Jeruselem

I have spoken to Katherine's mother Lady Dazzarina Handiskya Dallas and her sister Princess (Queen) Jacinta Sasha Dallas. They are for all this idea. Four year old Princess Marie Antoinette Dallas (Dazza's 3rd daughter) is suffering too and running around shouting "Where's my sister Kate!". Kate's son James Henry is depressed and wants his mother too.

While the Royal family and the Dallas family seem to be in agreement of your idea, the local Catholic Church isn't so keen. We are Catholic and I will have to sell this idea to the Church. I will need to convince Arch-Bishop Jacques Roque this idea is a good one. He isn't one to like Elves (or Gnomes).

The Jews here won't like it much either, so I'll need to send our "Jewbee Dallas" to soften them up for this idea. It's a good thing she's Jewish it seems. So this will take time too. Maybe you can send a delegate along with me and Jacinta to appease the concerns of Catholic Church and local Jews.

Due to the religious nature of our state, the Elven temple will need to be guarded. The locals will not like it, as having a "new" temple to compete with the current religions is not very popular. You know us Jeruslemites do tend to solve our issues in a short and sharp manner using rather sharp weapons (or big cannons).

I have one special request while this is going on, please let my Kate watch the World Cup 39 Final. If she doesn't get a football fix once in a while, she gets a bit moody and if she's moody she gets a bit hard to control.

I'm sure, if you haven't noticed already - she's very good with very sharp objects. Knives, Katanas, Axes, Swords and other pointy objects. So, make sure other servants do not piss her off when she's holding one of these objects. Put it this way, she IS A TRAINED ASSASSIN. You can pacify her but when it comes to killing - she will not hesitate.

I'm sure the priests and priestesses have watch the way she chops her veggies. Every cut and slice is precise and clean. She does not smash fish bones, she will cleave them clean. That's what she can do to people too. I'm sure she'll berate fellow servants for leaving blades blunt too.

I really do miss her. Sometimes I see her mother Dazza, and think it's Kate. Sometimes I even grab Dazza and realise it's not Kate. To make things worse, Dazza doesn't seem to age much so she looks like a slightly older Kate. For all the insanities Kate is, it's hard without her.

And it seems young Princess Marie Antoinette Dallas is already behaving like Kate. She's a little fiery redhead.

If you see Princess Jacinta Sasha Dallas, supporting Michama against your Elf team for the World Cup 39 semifinal - it's nothing personal - she's Jewish.

Regards
King Richard I of Jeruselem

TO: Kelly Firth
From: Princess Jacinta Sasha Dallas

Hello Kelly, back to your nude habits I see. I have a offer for you!

My mother wants to recruit you! Razzle Media wants you promote Jeruselem as tourist destination to Bostopians. Along with Hikfie Dallas, we want to run ads in Bostopia to promote Jeruselem. We think you and Hikfie are the best people to sell Jeruselem. Since you won't be clothed, we can't run the ads in Jeruselem anyway.

Please think about it. You're looking good still! You and Mum still look good for the age (naked).

Princess "Jewbee" Dallas

Hill was a bit frustrated, ducking from one room to another, looking for one of her wayward Casaran players. "Hey, anyone see Tennar?"

Invariably, the answer came back. "Nope."

Hill had made her way through most of the team, ending at the room that Danialson and Reoni were sharing. "Hey, guys, anyone see Tennar?"

"Aye, last I knew, he was going out drinking." Danialson said.

"Damnit."

"Not back yet?"

"Nope."

"I'm coming." Danialson said, getting off the bed and walking out into the hall.

"How are we supposed to look for him? And why do you want to come?" Hill asked, shaking her head. Today was already looking far longer than he wanted.

"Katherine has a rental car, I'll get the keys. And because when we find him, you won't be stong enough to carry him." Danialson, walking down the hall and ducking into another room. Hill could hear the argument over getting keys ensuing, lasting a full minute until Danialson reemerged, running down the hall. "Gogo, I'll meet you downstairs!" He said, dodging past and ducking into the stairwell, only to be followed by Scorrin, who eas spewing curses at an extreme rate.

Hill sighed.

---

Danialson had somehow managed to dodge the teammates drafted to find him and was already waiting in the car when Hill arrived. "Being a babysitter for you lot sucks."

"If I recall, you were stuffing fish in water balloons not two weeks ago."

"Well, I didn't have to babysit you then." She said, getting in the car. "I suppose we'll just drive around until we see him. Is anything on the radio?"

"Hell if I know."

"You didn't turn it on?"

"I dunno, that's probably an extra eight pounds of gold." Danialson. They drove a few blocks in silence, looking around, before Danialson pulled over next to an impressive building, seemingly important enough to have a few trees out front.

"Why have we stopped?"

"Because he's right there." Danialson said, pointing.

---

"How the balls do you get up there?" Hill wondered aloud, looking up at the tree. Laying over a branch was Tennar, passed out and rather more conspicuously, naked.

"Climbed."

"But while naked?"

"Meh, to each their own." Danialson said. "You climbing after him?"

"Hell no, give me something to throw." Danialson's search turned up a half-empty fast food cup, which was deemed serviceable. "Okay... get ready to catch him if he falls out of the tree."

"What, wait, no-"

With a test toss to check the heft of the cup, Hill threw it, hitting Tennar in the arm and knocking the top off the cup, splashing him with the contents.

"Aww, damnit!" Tennar yelled, covering his eyes. "What the hell was that for?"

"Get out of the tree, ya damn nudist, you can sleep at the hotel."

"I'm AT the hotel."

"No, you're in a tree in front of some random business. Get down."

Danialson nodded, looking up. "You're naked, too."

"Damnit." Tennar muttered, very slowly starting so shimmy down the tree's branches, before dropping to the ground. "There, can we go now?"

"I think it'd be doing a public service if we did."

---

Reoni was glancing in Tennar's room, where he had laid down half on the bed. "Damn, how much did he have?"

"Just about enough, I think." Lornair said, exxamining the carnage. "Nine, maybe."

"Why does he get naked every time he drinks?"

"Meh, some people just do odd things."

"I can hear you, you bastards." Tennar muttered, pulling a pillow over his head.

"Well then, we have conclusive proof that alcohol won't make you deaf."

"Cue the title sequence!"

"Cue it!"

"3-2-1 SHOWTIME!"

Have you been reading Milchamian RPs since World Cup 34?

Have you ever wondered just who are those two guys who always talk about events? What are their lives like? Can there really only be two of them?

Well look no further as we tell you the complete story here on some television channel.

Part 2: Holy Margaret! It's a rubber chicken.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum who we introduced last time were living their normal lives until some guy picked up a recording and started to record their ramblings on sports. It was weird, funny, and kinda entertaining, the perfect combination for entertainment. Soon it was going around the world, though nobody in Milchama knew who the hell they were, however, they didn't really have shtick or anything to entertain them. Then after a 14 inning shutout loss against Qazox in the first World Baseball Classic they found something magical through this:

"Who is Margaret?"

"She is the god of all our sporting events, she decides who wins and loses, when and by how much, she apparently likes sacrificed rubber chickens"

They then decided to create their own ceremony which has gone down in Milchamian lore for it's ability to be copied, improved upon and ultimately our only positive trademark, we think anyway, on the world scene. (The newspaper thing was kinda annoying and got a lot of people mad at us for stretching out their screens, especially Sarz, what an a-hole.) This shot them into stardom within Milchama and soon Margaret parties were held across the nation with people seeing their likenesses everywhere.

The spirit of Margaret would lead Milchama to their best World Cup result, so far, getting to the final before losing to Ariddia. However, right now we are in the semi finals hitting Valanora with a good chance of winning and making the final in a very winnable matchup there.

So Come on you Warriors! And join us next time for Part 3: Superstardom and something about cheese.

"You know what I hate?"

"The cheesy and stupid documentary about us that's clearly just a ploy for extra RP bonus?"

"Nah, that's kinda cool actually. I hate when people call us Milchamans."

"Yeh, that is really annoying, we are MilchamIans and there is a definite difference."

"Yeh nobody would say Starblaydian or Bedistanian or Valanori. This butchering of our name has got to stop."

"I agree, it is time for the international press to recognize us for what we truly are, Milchamian!"

"Milchamians unite!"

"YES!"

"Hey what did you think of the football?"

"It was most excellent, well played, well executed 3-1. Belmowitz twice and Halforth tipping in a goal"

"Good for him, first goal in the proper eh?"

"Yep"

"That's excellent"

"Yeh, with more goal scorers then there is only one thing that is going to happen"

"Yes, victory"

"You bet"

"Aesh Aesh Milchama! Loh Tesachek Haganah!"

"Come on you Warriors!"

"Raaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Valanora semifinal result (http://www.forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13490017&postcount=29)

Third place match result (http://www.forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13492303&postcount=30)

King Richard I of Jeruselem, Flak Sho, Lady Dazza Dallas, Queen Jacinta Dallas, Hikfie Dallas and Fiskin Dallas were watching the Cup of Harmony 31 final together. Jacinta Dallas had put 100,000 Shekels on a Jeru FC win. It was tight game and everyone was living the moment as both teams came close to scoring. In the last moments of the game, a player in green and brown broke an offside trap to run off and score the winning goal.

Jeru FC had won and Jacinta jumped around. She had just won 500,000 Shekels! Plenty of shopping money for when Flak and Jacinta was going Milchama for their holiday. For the moment, they had forgotten about their Kate and lived in happier times.

Next World Cup, Jeruselem and Jeru FC could qualify together! Now, that was something to look forward to. For now, Jeruselem would put their support behind Milchama. Could a Jewish team win the final? Jeruselem had failed once, Milchama had failed once ... was this the time for Jews to take the cup?

Thomas Mélançon walked into Holmes Stadium. He was a bit intimidated by the massive structure, but more so by the dozens of people running back and forth, frantically trying to make sure everything was set up perfectly for the World Cup final. Even though they had been planning this Cup for three years, it seemed that everyone had put things off until the last minute—well, the last eight hours, to be fair. He quickly spotted someone who appeared to be in charge of something.

“I’m the equipment manager for the team. Do you know where the kits are?”

“The oven mitts? For the C4 cookware promotion? I think that’s in room three, over that way.”

He’d been living in the Unified Capitalizt States for nearly a decade, but was still cursed by the Oliverrians’ horrendous accent, reinforced by the locals in what used to be Port-au-Vaisont. “No, the kits. That the players are going to wear.”

“I don’t know, but I think he might.”

Before Mélançon could find his way to the man his new acquaintance had pointed out, someone with a camera ambushed him—apparently a reporter. “Do you know what tactics Alesanka is planning for this match?”

“Huh?” He realized that his shirt, which had the Capitalizt SLANI football badge embroidered on it, made him look somewhat more important than he actually was. “I’m not a coach. I’m the equipment manager.”

“Oh, sorry.”

He looked around, but the man he was seeking had vanished. “Hey, do you know who’s in charge here? I’m trying to find some stuff.”

“Sorry, don’t have a clue.”

After looking around for a moment, he saw a map of the building on one of the walls. After bumping into a hurried worker or two, he glanced at it, and found the storage area. Strangely, no one was there. He looked through the stacks of boxes—how could anyone possibly need all of this for a football game?—and, after about fifteen minutes, found boxes marked with the C4 logo. He grabbed one, opened it, and found…oven mitts.

He quickly decided that this was hopeless, and called up Capitalizt SLANI headquarters. He stayed on hold for over ten minutes, made his way through the bureaucracy for another ten minutes, and finally got to talk to someone who knew something about the final. He asked about the kits, and walked around. At last, he got his answer. As he went to the correct room, he started composing a letter to SLANI in his head, demanding compensation for the hour he had wasted on this quest. He found the boxes he needed, and saw the diagram enclosed inside:

http://www.thirdgeek.com/ns/worldcup/kits/COM/39/final/

Ah, he thought, now they can splice clips of our 3–1 loss right into those of the World Cup 8 final and only those damned nitpicking Manhattanites will be able to tell.

He remembered that he was supposed to give the diagram to the people making the match program, but exasperatedly decided to ignore that instruction. He loaded the boxes onto a hand truck, and taped the diagram to a conspicuous wall on his way to the locker room.

"Hey where's documentary?"

"Oh we missed it, it was on yesterday"

"Well hasn't it been published or anything?"

"Do I look like a source of information?"

"You seem to know everything else about everything else, so yes I would say so"

"What makes you say that?"

"Well normally you're the one who tell me the scores, what happened in the game and in general my life story. I remember nothing you remember everything. You are a fountain of information"

"Is this good?"

"There is no bad or good. To think of the world in those terms otherizes those that are bad because then they no longer have any positive qualities so that we cannot accept them as being anything that bad. This creates artificial differences so that we believe those that are bad must die or be oppressed leading to oppression and war."

"You know some of what you say you label as bad"

"Shut up"

"Ok well how did Milchama do?"

"They made the final"

"Excellent, and who are we against?"

"Commerce Heights/Capitalizt SLANI/Those goddamn capitalist morons"

"We can't lose now. To capitalists? The horror would be unbearable"

"I agree therefore we must leave nothing to chance"

"Yeh"

"So then there is only one solution"

"Pray"

"Baruch Atah Adoshem Alokeinu Melech Haolam ten lanu lizchak b cadur regel ha yom."

"That is quite a nice prayer"

"Yeh and it doesn't violate the 10 commandments"

"And now the important part"

"Wait we won didn't we?"

"Yes"

"And we're in finals of a major tournament?"

"Yes"

"Well then... AESH AESH MILCHAMA! LOH TESAHEK HAGANAH!"

"AESH AESH MILCHAMA! LOH TESAHEK HAGANAH!"

"Come on you Warriors!"

"Come on you Warriors!"

Final Result (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=13493917#post13493917)

OOC: Congrats to Capitalizt Slani and Jeru FC.

IC:


LARSON FIRED, NEW COACH SOUGHT

Hopeless SC Wanderers Soccer Academy Administrator Brian Peterson took the podium at the national team's training facility yesterday to announce that Head Coach Thomas Larson, former Praying2God star forward, has been fired after a very disappointing World Cup 39 and Cup of Harmony 31. His overally poor record, inability to beat worse teams at home, and inability to pull off any upsets were all cited by Peterson in the announcement. Larson's overall record as Wanderers Head Coach was 13 wins, 20 losses, and 15 draws, though those numbers are tainted by strong Baptism of Fire and Cup of Harmony 30 showings. His World Cup record was a miserable 4-13-11. The fate of Larson's staff is unknown; it likely will be up to Larson's replacement to determine who they want to keep on (if anybody).

The search for a new Head Coach will begin immediately. It is likely that another foreign coach will be brought in, as Hopeless SC doesn't have a player that's been around long enough yet to be turned into a coach.

Gibson: Hello, and welcome to the Aeropag Tribune’s coverage of the main event, the place that eighty-two teams have been trying to get for the past three years, the World Cup final. Tonight, the Capitalizts will try to capitalize on their home-field advantage, facing the Milchama Warriors for the most coveted of all trophies. I’m Thomas Gibson, and I’m joined here at the excellent new Holmes Stadium in Columbia, Bedistan by Jeremiah Smith. Before we head down to the pitch, let’s take a look at some of the history behind this match.

*cue dramatic music and archive video*

Smith: Over a century ago, two of the giants of football met at this very stadium to decide the World Cup final. The stadium went silent at the final whistle, as the Bedistan Lions had lost at home to Liverpool England, in the first of twelve meetings between the sides. Today, the teams may be different, but the atmosphere is the same. The supporters may wear different colors, but their expectations are unchanged. Thirty-six years ago, Milchama abruptly ended Capitalizt SLANI’s World Cup run with a 4–0 thrashing in Vilita. Can they repeat that performance? Can SLANI have its revenge? Or will victory and defeat come down to the lottery of a penalty shootout? We’ll find out soon enough.

Gibson: Alright, the ceremonies are about to begin. First, let’s listen to the anthem of Milchama, the name of which escapes me at the moment…

…and now, the Star-Spangled Banner…

Smith: And it looks like we’re just about to get underway. Capitalizt SLANI is in blue, playing from left to right on your screen; Milchama in white, playing from right to left. It sounds like the Milchamans—excuse me, Milchamians—are here in full force to try to cheer their team to its first World Cup title.

Gibson: Isn’t it sort of odd how Milchamians are so sensitive about their non-standard demonym?

10th minute

Gibson: …Focus takes the ball out of danger…no, he’s put it right onto the head of Luiso. Luiso hesitantly advances, he takes the shot, it’s in! One–nil to the Capitalizts! Luiso’s put it in from fifteen meters, and that’s his third goal of the tournament.

Smith: Milchama’s defense has some work to do if it wants to win this Cup. They can’t give the ball away like that.

13th minute

Gibson: A very controlled passing game from SLANI, Milchama isn’t getting any opportunities…Cox crosses to Leisten, taking the ball down the right-hand channel, he plays the ball to Luiso, well-timed pass, Luiso into the penalty box, he evades the keeper, he buries it! The Capitalizts off to a fantastic start! A poor decision by Mendelbaum to come out, and it’s extended Capitalizt SLANI’s lead to two.

26th minute

Gibson: Corner kick for the Capitalizts…King tries the in-swinger, it’s met by the head of Halforth, he advances with the ball…Milchama on the counter-attack, he skips past Gwaŋ Hyo-gyo, now one-on-one with the keeper…what a save! Ha Sun-ji makes a great effort to stop Milchama from pulling one back. And a great job by Halforth as well, he took the ball the length of the field to set up the chance.

37th minute

Gibson: …Mendelbaum parries, it’s gone to No Būm-mo, he shoots, it’s charged down by Focus, it fall back to Būm-mo, he tries again, Luiso takes another shot, deflected out for a corner. Luiso appeals to the referee—penalty given! Merrian handballed, and the referee produces the yellow card.

Smith: Aye, from the replay, there’s no two ways about it. Actually, he was lucky to get away with only a yellow; that ball was headed for the back of the net.

Gibson: Luiso places the ball—he scored the winning kick in the shootout against Casari that landed this team in the final. Can he do it again…yes! Capitalizt SLANI three, Milchama zero! Migelo Luiso the hat-trick hero! He’ll join Sani Luvo and Brian Wilson in the record books!

60th minute

Gibson: After the excitement of half-time, we’re now seeing a rather dull second half, with Milchama doing their best to keep the score three–nil…Piestert beats his man on the right, he moves inside, he fires from an acute angle, and Mendelbaum can’t reach it! Capitalizt SLANI are cruising to their sixth World Cup! With the score at four–zero, they’ve now avenged the only major loss of the Bolúfero era…

Smith: You don’t think Mister Markin is going to bring on Jenji Y?

Gibson: Unfortunately for them, he’s been capped by Rejistania. As Milchama kicks off, the home supporters begin the taunting…‘Are you Oaker in disguise?’ I think some of the visitors are beginning to filter out of the stadium.

Third minute of injury time

Gibson: Capitalizt SLANI are about a minute away from winning the World Cup…they seem content to let time expire, but the fans are urging them on…Luiso runs onto the pass by Richards, he takes one last crack at goal…and that’s five! In off the post! Luiso’s fourth goal of the game gives Capitalizt SLANI the five–nil lead—both World Cup records! The party’s over for Milchama, but it’s just starting throughout the city of Columbia.

Smith: Not so fast—if Milchama can just score six goals in the next thirty seconds…

Gibson: Hmm, let me check…ah, the bookies are pricing that at one million, ninety-three thousand to one. You’d better place your bet soon. Belmowitz kicks off to Evans…he’s dispossessed by No Du-yun…Preis boots the ball into the stands, and the referee has seen enough! Capitalizt SLANI are world champions, defeating Milchama by the score of five to zero! Migelo Luiso will take the match ball, scoring four goals for the blue and silver. We’ll have the awards presentation after these messages from our sponsors.