NationStates Jolt Archive

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

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AN EASY WIN AGAINST THE WORST TEAM OF THE GROUP

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/3742/3477564395gacafsv4.jpg
Anormal commemorates Ijak's goal in the midfield

After some difficult games, when the press started to complain about some bad performances, Cafundéu played an easy game against Houersteinzer, and could return home with the three points. The team had a solid performance and scored two goals after an intense work of the midfield. But Houersteinzer had some great chances too, so the media said that the team wasn’t perfect.

Next game will be at home against The Archregimancy. The country is ready to welcome the monks in the country and will provide all the necessary support. The game will be played in Praça Maior, in the capital Cafundó do Juta. About the result, most of the supporters are fearing the game, as the team isn’t in a very good form, although The Archregimancy isn’t too.

THE GAME
Everybody could see a different strategy of Cafundéu in that game. Instead of attacking in numbers or using the wings, the team started the game with a offensive 3-5-2, using many creative offensive midfielders to create the plays. Houersteinzer, last placed in the group, only defended, maybe trying to hold the opponents to get at least a point. But since the start Cafundéu was better.

After some interesting minutes, the first goal happened. Kimball got the ball from an opponent in the midfield and passed the ball to Kliek in the left wing. The midfielder made a low cross to the area and Ganz Ijak hit the ball with style, scoring a beautiful “gol de letra”, the first of the game. Houersteinzer’s players complained about a possible offside, but the referee didn’t listen to them. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“We’ve just passed ten minutes of the first half, and the rrrrresult is still zerrrrro against zerrrrro. Kimball will trrrrry to start a play, passes to Kliek. He pauses, crrrrrrrrrrosses, Ijak will score... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Here comes the replay! Marvelous goal! Ganz Ijak, number nine! Cafundéu one, Houersteinzer zero!”

After the first goal, Cafundéu continued with the same strategy, but Houersteinzer’s defense was playing well, and did their best to stop Cafundéu’s attacks. But the visitors had some good attacks. One of them was with Priotto, who received the ball from Metir and shot with strength, but the ball went over the bar. Kliek tried to score from a free kick, but the goalkeeper made a fine save.

Houersteinzer practically didn’t try to attack, and that’s why they lost most of the ball possession in the half. The only good chance that they had was when Vargas got the ball with his hands after a Sávio passed it to him. A midfielder took the free kick, but it hit the wall and then wide. With minutes for the end of the first half, Anormal dribbled two defenders and shot, but the ball hit the post.

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/107/4696530931gacafze4.jpg
Players talk before the start of the second half

Franz Braddock didn’t like the first half formation, as he thought that the team could score more. With that in mind, he put Wantuirso in Metir’s place and decided to return to a classical 4-4-2. And it worked well. The team improved in the first minutes of the second half and brought more danger to Houersteinzer’s defense, which was still having a solid performance.

Taking advantage of the control of the game, as the opponents weren’t attacking, Cafundéu had some good attacks. The first one with Ganz Ijak, who received the ball in the left wing from Kirs, and invaded the area. The goalkeeper did well in blocking the monopolist striker. Some minutes after, Kliek took a corner kick and Becão headed the ball. The goalkeeper made a fantastic save and Anormal lost the rebound.

After twenty minutes of the second half, Heitor, who was playing very well in the game, creating many opportunities and even helping the defense (although there was no need to help), scored the second goal. After Priotto was fouled near the area, Kliek took the free kick. The ball floated to the area, the defenders of Houersteinzer didn’t jump and Heitor jumped alone to head, and score the goal. Once again Houersteinzer asked for offside, but this time it’s sure that Heitor was in a legal position. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Frrrrree kick for Cafundéu. Anorrrrrmal, Prrrrriotto and Kliek prrrrrepared to shoot. The first two are strrrrronger, the third more technical. It’ll be Kliek. The ball goes to the arrrrrea, Heitor alone to head... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! I’ll wait for the replay! Heitor, number eleven! Cafundéu two, Houersteinzer zero!”

After the second goal, Braddock started to prepare a more defensive formation. Ten minutes after the goal, he put Manuel Padaria and Falcus in the game to retreat the team. Houersteinzer, desperated, finally used a more offensive formation, to try to score at least a goal. But Cafundéu nearly scored first, when Heitor passed the ball to Ganz Ijak, who shot and sent the ball wide.

When the game was finishing, Houersteinzer had a huge opportunity. A midfielder invaded the area and passed the ball to an attacker, one on one with the goalkeeper Vargas. He dribbled Vargas and shot in the open goal, but the ball hit the post and went wide. The supporters couldn’t believe and after that the game ended, with a good result for Cafundéu.

After the game, the first player who talked with the press was Ray Kirs, who said: “This victory is to win the confidence of our supporters and maybe of the media. We’re not enemies, but we seemed enemies in the last game. Maybe we can return to peace.” Kliek talked too: “We tried a different formation. It was good, but our former one seems to work better. We’re ready for any game now.”

Heitor, the man of the match, was really happy with the good performance: “I knew that I was playing well, and the goal just confirmed that. I wasn’t offside, I’m sure of that, and I must thank to Kliek who gave me the assist.” The coach Franz Braddock talked with the press with a smile in the face: “Look! Another victory! We aren’t a bad team, we can play well! See this! What do you have to say now! Maybe now you (of the media) can stop to complain! I know that most of you envy my job, so from now I’ll ignore you. Falem mal, mas falem de mim, como se diz por aí. Porque eu sei o que estou fazendo e vocês não sabem!” – he asked us to not translate the last phrase.

http://img440.imageshack.us/img440/6964/2980946576gacafez8.jpg
Houersteinzer misses an incredible chance in the end of the game

HOUERSTEINZER 0x2 CAFUNDÉU

Place: unknown stadium, in Houersteinzer.
Attendance: unknown.
Referee: Arno Lasshörf (Geisenfried).
MOTM: Heitor (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Vargas, Sávio Ferrari, Becão and Kirs (Falcus 78’); Anormal, Priotto, Kimball (Manuel Padaria 76’), Metir (Wantuirso 45’) and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/houersteinzer.png HOUERSTEINZER: no team released.

Goals:CAF: Ganz Ijak 11’ , Heitor 66’.

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Cafundéu – formation for game against The Archregimancy: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +2

Match’s Referee: Joshua Garnet (Swilatia).

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Goalscorers after 13 games:

10- G. Ijak
6- Heitor
4- Renário and Anormal
2- R. Kliek and H. Ijak
1- J. Kimball, J. Priotto, R. Kirs and Becão

Kiso pulled away quick and races off after Kersee who was making a dash out to her car. He had to stop her quick before she told his mother what he was up to. It was going to be bad enough if she mentioned that he was hanging out with the Assegains, but to also be kissing one, well that could get him in the trouble he didn't want any part of.

He reached her just as she was about to turn on the car and blaze away. Out of breath, he took a few minutes to catch it before pleading with the black haired and angelotic faced beauty.

"Please do not say a thing about any of this to Kyla Kersee, she would kill me. You know how she gets when you mention Assegai women apart from Callo. And you know that my dad absolutely hates all things Assegai, so retribution from his end would be even more severe."

Kersee gave a chuckle and a wink at the befuddled youngster.
"Oh I wasn't going to tell your parents silly Kiso, I'm just dissapointed you didn't invite me to your party. I love parties, espicially if there is wine!!! Do you have some of that great Travesian stuff?"

"Haha, you've got to be kidding Kersee. Of course I don't have any wine, it's still a few years till I'm legal to get that stuff."

"Oh, what a shame. Tell you what, I'll go get some, and maybe some other snacks, cause it looks like your pizza was running out, and I'll be back later. Make sure that that asian looking fellow doesn't leave, he is quite the looker if you know what I mean."

Kersee gave a laugh and took off while Kiso merely shook his head, and headed back up to his loft to make sure his guests were doing alright and nothing too bad was going on. This was his first get together he hosted, so he wanted to make sure things were good.

Callo and Snape had found his Elva 2000 and were playing EPL 19,900 with Snape crushing Callo, each player using their real life teams. Yoshida was making a call to someone, while Neesa was setting up the chess board, hopefully Kiso would be able to avenge his last game against her ...

BE CALM TELEVISION: LOSS AT HOME AGAINST GEISENFRIED
Commentated by Doctor Santiago Sampaio
With comments of Doctor Verônica Branus
- with in-game comments of Doctor Haroldo Sassarel -

http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/2888/wc98010eigq5.jpg
Genz scores the first goal

DR. SAMPAIO: “Welcome to all of you from Landau Institute. Today we played at home against Geisenfried, but unfortunately we lost. It was a fine game, where their ability counted in the end. Our players did their best, but even the supporters weren’t able to help. But we are still fighting, at least we are hoping for maybe a playoff spot. Let’s see what we can make in the next games.”

DR. BRANUS: “Of course, this result isn’t the end of the world. We need to understand that we were playing against a much stronger team, and the most natural result was the loss. Now we are in the fifth position, but our campaign has been incredible until now. We’re proud of our players and I’m sure that everyone in Landau Institute is too, even the president.”

DR. SAMPAIO: “Thanks, Verônica, but let’s say some things now about the game. This time we had a style a bit more offensive than when we faced powerful teams before. Maybe the coach though that the team was able to defeat Geisenfried like it did against Liverpool England, but it wasn’t true. Our opponents played better than us since the start and could score the winning goal in the middle of the second half.”

DR. BRANUS: “They played really very well, and we resisted a lot. In the first half, they attacked many times, but our defense remained strong. We tried to reply with some attacks too, but couldn’t score. Then, unfortunately, in the second half, they scored the goal and we lost at home. Maybe an offensive style wasn’t the best choice for such a difficult game, but we can’t blame someone now.”

DR. SAMPAIO: “More than right. We won’t do the same thing that those ridiculous monarchists did, blaming the coach and the players for the bad games. We lost, the style wasn’t the best one, but we played well. They were better and played better, that’s why we lost. So, Geisenfried’s players are the guilty ones. Well, good for them. Nothing more to say. See now the coach’s comments”:

“We lost at home. They were too strong for us, their players had an incredible ability and we don’t. But we aren’t dead, there are still many games for us to play and maybe we can get a playoff spot.”

ESTRESSE INTENSO 0x1 GEISENFRIED

Place: Sector-Delta Sporting Field, in Insanis.
Attendance: 121,850,002 (nearly all Landau Institute patients) – using a special room.
Referee: Ricky Zalas (Bostopia).
MOTM: Johann Baermann (Geisenfried).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png ESTRESSE INTENSO: Prunella, Pindaré, Marinho, Manga and Flores; Sardinha, Dumitrache, Dos Alpes and Bogdan (Eriksson 70’); Ponte Pênsil (Súrbinov 45’) and Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/geisenfried.png GEISENFRIED: Kurtz, Hirsch, Adabold (Metzger 30’), Beike and Reiniger; Baermann, Fuchs (Hammerle 60’), Genz and Amsel (Knech 45’); Tonsheim and Fleischer.
Coach: Nicolas Hausen.

Goals:GEI: Genz 68’.

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EIT – next game’s formation: Prunella, Pindaré, Godói, Manga and Flores; Sardinha, Dumitrache, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo; Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.
Style of +1

Match’s Referee: Fr. Karl the Extremely Loyal (The Archregimancy).

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Goalscorers after 12 games:

11- C. Gabalán
4- V. Dos Alpes
3- Bogdan
2- F. Ponte Pênsil
1- A. Dumitrache

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MONKS CELEBRATE LENT WITH DRAW
Zwangzug National Anthem Confuses Fans

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Monastic Football Association officials were last night denying that the Archregimancy's fifth draw of the qualifying campaign, a 2-2 draw against Zwangzug, was an example of the national team's inability to finish off mid-ranked teams. "We know that it must be frustrating for fans that we're undefeated but somehow only in second place in the group, and only three points ahead of fourth place" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But this shouldn't be seen as yet another frustrating draw against mid-ranked opposition, but rather as a celebration of the Orthodox Lenten spirit through the equal sharing of God's bounty. Which in this case happens to consist of an equal sharing of both goals and points. In fact, one might argue that it is our monastic duty to draw with as many opponents as possible this Lenten season."

Those few monastic football fans attending last night's game were left confused by the visitors' nation anthem, Anthem. "I don't get it" said a clearly puzzled Fr. Gregory the Puzzled. "This bit about 'let man's petty nations / tear themselves apart / my land's only borders / lie around my heart' - that's hardly a stirring call for action on behalf of your national identity, is it?" Others claimed to be more sympathetic, with Fr. Seraphim the Occasionally Dangerously Free-Thinking Theologian calling Anthem "A rousing call for the triumph of the individual over petty nationalism. Just so long as the singer doesn't compromise his hard-won libertarian individualism by meekly returning to the militant atheist Eastern Bloc at the end of the musical shortly after defeating his opponent and loudly declaring that no one understands him anyway." Many, including this reporter, have no idea what Fr. Seraphim is going on about.

IT'S... THE WORLD CUP SHOW

With Basil and Theo
Your World Cup Hall of Fame Broadcasters

"Basil!"

"Theo!"

"Fantastic weather we're having, eh?"

"Beautiful, Theo. Stunning. Absolutely magnificent."

"The weather?"

"No. Our new masseuse. Ooooooh. That's right. Just a little lower, just there, love.... yessssss. Ohhhhhhhh yes. Mmmmmmmmm."

"Err, yes, well, right. While Basil's having his, ummm, muscles relaxed - or one of them, anyway - I'd just like to address an issue that seems to be the cause of some occasional complaint this World Cup qualification season. And that's that we're not talking enough about football...."

"YESSSSSSSS! JUST LIKE THAT! AGAIN! AGAIN!"

"Do you think we could turn Basil's microphone off? Just for five minutes? Just until the massage therapy's over? Thank you. Anyway, where was I? Not enough football. Errr..... Basil..... do you have to do that right now? Here in the studio? Couldn't you just, well, wait for five..... Obviously not. Well, no matter, I'll just keep talking, shall I? Yes.... Right. Not enough football. You see, we've been having a very successful qualification campaign, as emphasised by last night's 6-2 hammering of Harlesburg, and so there's been very little need to analyse.... BASIL! I'm trying to broadcast! That's right! Thank You! I mean really. Anyway, so yes.... not enough football because, well, we keep beating most of the teams except Schiavonia, so why not enjoy a solid gold diamond-encrusted jacuzzi? Does this make us soft and lazy...... BASIL. I. Must. Insist. There's a time and a pla.... What.... me too? She wants to? Right now? What, here? Don't you think that's a bit.... No? My microphone turned off too? Well, I don't know.... Well, if she insists... I'll just unplug...."

<beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep>

The Crimson Blade

Party Postponed – Qazox Comes To Town

Although the heathen Black Oxen of Qazox qualified for the NationStates World Cup XXXIII ahead of Assegai Developments, Riskbreakers football fans are looking forward to a potential double celebration against the would-be rivals.

However, before the Riskbreakers could turn their attention to Qazox, they would have to deal with the minnows of Lethislavania. Fielding a lineup of all bench players, including a rare start for third keeper Edward van de Beauchamp, the Riskbreakers didn’t miss a step, beating Lethislavania soundly by a score of 4-0.

Forward Ursula Goode opened things up in the 23rd minute off a free kick from 25 yards out, which bent and dipped away from Lethislavania keeper KR-GK. Although the robots of Lethislavania put up a good fight during the rest of the first half, they were crushed in the second half. Forward Stephen de Cobham scored twice in a span of three minutes with long-distance bombs that beat KR-GK in the 62nd and 64th minute. Forward Dominic Saint-Émilion closed things out with a goal in the 88th minute, literally dragging three Lethislavania defenders before cracking a shot into the net off the top of the woodwork, followed by a boisterous celebration.

Van de Beauchamp was stoic in goal, stopping the five shots that were directed toward his net during the game, earning a clean sheet in his only outing thus far.

Although Assegai was unable to qualify for the Proper this time around, they are almost guaranteed a spot if they can manage a win over Qazox in their next match.

Match Summary

(UR) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/lethislavania.png Lethislavania 0
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 4

[LET]
None

[AD]
Ursula Goode (23’)
Stephen de Cobham (62’, 64’)
Dominic Saint-Émilion (88’)

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

...well, I would have loved to have had Atheistic Right RP first...I mean, exactly how am I going to RP a 4-3 win at the home ground of my greatest rival so far?

So, here's a very skeletal effort. I'm relying on Atheistic Right to provide something really good to fill things in with.



Dear Mom,

Well, I'm back in Schortislaniscandersburg [cwd: capital] after a rather interesting trip to the country called Atheistic Right. I know, doesn't that sound like an oxymoron? The place was just as terrible as it sounded - a few near death experiences, heckling on the field, referees calling everything against us...I won't go into, unless you want to. Darius Gilmore got a really nasty injury. I'm afraid he'll be out for a while. I got a yellow card, which I'm really annoyed over because I did not deserve it. You know this is only the third yellow of my career. I really think that referee had it out for us. I mean, what was the big idea, sending off Alfie Tullie for a tap but not the lousy trout who banged up Gilmore? Master Wenzel is having fits over who to use as a forward - Lee Bush will probably be brought back in even in his weakened state, or maybe Radek Vyborny will play in a 4-5-1. Connor MacNaughton had to play as a substitute. He was generally worthless, so it's rather a miracle we won.

Well, Mom, despite being down a defender from the 20th minute, we sure defended the honour of the country. We won by four to three. The midfield was everything - Vyborny did his best up front, and got a goal in the 37th minute, but by that time we were down two goals. The ARs made it 3-1 in the 49th minute, and you'll never guess what Master Wenzel did. He took out Duke and played Brandao. Brandao! I remember when he was top dog in the league. He's thirty-six years old and on a pension at the Queen's Own FutbalKlup! I couldn't believe it! But he showed that he was still sharp as steel. He saved one shot after another, and Phil Stott - a bit roughly, I would say, but nothing foul-worthy - made a goal in the 55th minute. We were one goal down, and things continued in that state for quite a while. Marcelo Brandao was the hero of the day. We surely would have lost big if it hadn't been for him. I suppose you'll hear words about me also being the hero of the day, but I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Well, I suppose I was pretty good, but I hate to brag. You can watch me for yourself and decide what happened.

Well, I was out there in the 89th minute, and Evstathios Nioplias did a perfect cross; I was right there and I headed it in. 3-3; it was tie game. Then Valerij Vishnevskij comes driving up in the 91st minute and gets us a corner kick. Brandao left his box and came up; we were all up there. Well, the kick comes out, Brandao gives one of his huge floating jumps that makes him so good in goal, and flicks the ball over to me. I got it on my chest, down to my left foot, and knocked it in. That was it. There was another minute of injury time that mainly got used up with our celebrations. Mom, it was the greatest comeback I've ever seen. I'm sure Teleray will be all over it. They'll probably move it up to Channel 9 at least.

Well, I'll be by to see you in a bit. We're playing at home next. Hope you can make it out to see me.

Love,
Jalen

[cwd: captain Jalen Giddins]

“For fans of Assegai Developments football, tonight has the potential to be the most important night in Riskbreakers football since a then No. 102 Assegai squad beat No. 9 Ariddia in the last series of qualifiers, or perhaps since the Riskbreakers won the Brave New World/The YoungWorld League championship.

“Not only can Assegai Developments qualify for the Proper with a win tonight, they can do so against the heathens from Qazox, a team that has tormented the Riskbreakers in all their encounters. Although Assegai has tried to build a ‘rivalry’ with the Black Oxen, they have been thwarted in every attempt.

“Playing their best football ever, football pundits believe that Assegai is finally due, although the heathens of Qazox are also playing their best football ever. All of these factors boil down to one hell of a game, which has all of Assegai and neighboring Turruth Gordur buzzing with anticipation and excitement.

“For this game, Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga is unleashing his whole arsenal.”

Goaltender
#42 Akihiko Yoshida – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#70 Barnard Mallowburne – (S.C. Vagrant Hills)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#5 Severus Snape – (F.C. Capri, Elves Security Forces)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#20 Samantha Neesa – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

“All of Assegai’s main starters are in, well-rested after taking last week off, and seemed to be having fun during practice sessions in preparation for the big game.

“The pubs are packed in every town and city across the land. People have congregated in squares to watch the game on big screens and there is a huge carnival around The Great Cathedral and Cathedral Park.

“All that remains now is for the game to be played, and perhaps…just maybe…Assegai can actually turn this in a real rivalry.

“Reporting from the lobby of The Great Cathedral, this is Mikaela Eyre signing off. See you after the game!”

Upcoming Match

(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

VS
(35) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/qazox.png Qazox

@ Cathedral Park, Leá Monde, Assegai
Capacity: 75,000

(ooc:Jeruselem, hope you don't mind me using Dazza for a minute or so)

QSPN FOOTBALL GAMEDAY

Joe Hio: For the first time ever, Gameday is live in a country that is not Qazox. As this match between Asseagi Developments and our own Black Oxen is probably the most highly anticipated match on today's schedule. The Black Oxen have stormed though qualifing so far with an 11-2-0 record and a +35 goal differential, while the Riskbreakers of Assegai are 11-0-2, one of those lossing being to us 3-0 in Pika City, while the other was at Krytenia. So with the Riskbreakers needing a win, plus a loss or a tie by both Commerce hieghts JSY and Quintessence of Dust, to qualify, while the Black Oxen took care of their end by beating Vilita earlier this week.
This will mark the 6th straight time these teams have met in qualifing (twice in each of the last three qualifiers). While Qazox holds a 5-0-0 lead in this emerging rivalry, Assegai has had its moments, but the one moment they would like to forget is the 10-0 obliteration that occured exactly 8 years ago to the day.
Though that match remains a symbol of pride in Qazox, the stigma of that loss haunts Assegai. A win today would not only get Assegai into the World Cup, but finally the team and the country could slay, in their minds at least, their biggest dragon. We'll be back after this word from our sponsor for our Staff picks.

<<Shows Commerical for Ganja Vodka, which features a mostly nude Dazza Dallas drinking the Vodka out of a glass shoe>>

Joe Hio: Welcome back, and now for the moment you all have been waiting for the QSPNFootball.net predictions:

JOE HIO: QAZOX 3- ASSEGAI 2
GREG HAMMER: QAZOX 4- ASSEGAI 0
HENRY ETCHE: QAZOX 2- ASSEGAI 1
ERIC REED: QAZOX 3- ASSEGAI 3
MOOEY THE PREDICTING OX: QAZOX 1- ASSEGAI 2
STIMPY THE GLUE-SNIFFING INTERN: QAZOX 325- ASSEGAI 298
JOHN THE STUPID: QAZOX J- ASSEGAI R
SPECIAL ED: YAY!!!!

RP Cutoff for MD14

"Evening, Assegai football fans, this is Mikaela Eyre reporting live from deserted Cathedral Park, which has completely emptied after the Riskbreakers' latest disheartening loss to Qazox.

"If it hadn't been official before, it is official now. This so-called rivalry is over. This so-called rivalry never even existed. In six games, it has been a one-way road with Qazox written all over it."

She stops to look around but it is very, very quiet all around her. The camera pans around and the streets are utterly deserted except for a teenage girl wearing a Samantha Neesa jersey walking by with her head slung low.

"There is nothing to report from Assegai, which is a tomb tonight. This is Mikaela Eyre signing off for now."

Match Summary

(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 2
(35) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/qazox.png Qazox 3

[AD]
Severus Snape (76’)
Samantha Neesa (81’)

[QZX]
Kyle Horton (12’)
Sonja Clay (33’)
Regina Reginald (45’)

@ Cathedral Park, Leá Monde, Assegai
Attendance: 75,000

Congartulation to the three teams clinching full qualification and the two teams clinching partial qualification. We'd especially like to tip our hats to Tynelia as they have finally made it into the big event after many disappointing attempts. They've even made it quite easily with four match days to spare. The other qualifiers on the day are Milchama, Rejistania, and Casari and Jeruselem guaranteeing playoff spots.

Now a look ahead at the possibilities for match day 15.

Group 1

Jeruselem can clinches qualification with a win or draw. If they lose they clinch qualification with a Kelssek loss or tie.

With a win and an Elves Security Forces loss or tie or a Kelssek loss or tie, Bettia clinches qualification. With a tie and an Elves Security Forces loss or a Kelssek loss they clinch qualification. With a win they guarantee a playoff spot and they also clinch at least a playoff spot with a tie and 3 of the following :

1. Oliverry loss
2. Sel Appa loss or tie or Nebuleux loss
3. Turori loss or tie
4. Liverpool England loss or tie
5. Zwangzug loss or tie

With a loss they need 3 of the teams listed in 2-5 above to lose or tie to gain the playoff spot.

Group 2

No can guarantee direct qualification. With a win or tie Ariddia guarantees a playoff spot. They also confirm that playoff spot with a loss and three of the following:

1. Either a Kelssek loss or an Elves Security Forces loss
2. Oliverry loss
3. Sel Appa loss or tie
4. Turori loss or tie
5. Liverpool England loss or tie
6. Zwangzug loss or tie

The Archregimancy can clinch the minimum playoff spot with a win and three of the following:

1. Either a Kelssek loss or an Elves Security Forces loss
2. Oliverry loss
3. Sel Appa loss or tie or Nebuleux loss
4. Turori loss or tie
5. Liverpool England loss or tie
6. Zwangzug loss or tie

With a tie they can clinch a playoff spot if 6 of the seven things listed below occur:

1. Sel Appa loss
2. Turori loss
3. Liverpool England loss
4. Zwangzug loss
5. Fort Europe loss or tie
6. Quintessence of Dust loss or tie
7. Bostopia loss or tie

Group 3

Alasdair I Frosticus qualifies with a win and a The Lowlands Clans loss. With a win they guarantee a playoff spot. With a tie they qualify with 3 of the following:

1. Sel Appa loss or tie
2. Turori loss or tie
3. Liverpool England loss or tie
4. Zwangzug loss or tie

With a loss they have the same qualification procedure as Archregimancy does with a tie.

Group 4

Assegai Developments qualifies with a win or tie or a Quintessence of Dust loss or tie. If they lose and all of the things listed in Archregimancy's list occur with the exception of Quintessence of Dust losing or drawing they earn a playoff spot in a very backdoor manner.

With a win, Krytenia qualifies. With a draw and a Quintessence of Dust loss or tie, they qualify or with a loss and a Quintessence of Dust loss or tie, they qualify.

Group 5

No qualifications are possible

Group 6

Casari qualifies with a win or tie. With a loss and an Oliverry loss, they qualify.

Wentland can clinch qualification with a win. With a tie and an Oliverry loss clinches qualification. With a tie they can clinch a playoff spot following the same procedure as if Archregimancy won, excluding the possibility of an Oliverry loss. With a loss they follow the same procedure as Bettia does in case of a loss.

Group 7

Bazalonia can clinch qualification with a win and a Magnus Valerius loss or tie and a Rorysville loss or tie.

Group 8

Geisenfried and Yafor 2 both clinch qualification with a win. With a draw and an Liverpool England loss or tie they clinch qualification or with a loss and a Liverpool England loss. With a tie they need all of the things that Bettia needs to earn a playoff spot with a loss to occur, excluding Liverpool England from that list. With a loss they need all of the things listed on Archregimancy's tie list to occur, again excluding Liverpool England.

Group 9

With a win and either a Ropa-Topia loss or tie or a Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie Commerce Heights clinches a spot. With a draw and a Ropa-Topia or Schorteskatascansolani loss they clinch qualification. With a win or tie they guarantee a playoff spot. With a loss they are in the same position as Ariddia with a loss.

Squornshelous also clinches qualification with a win and a Ropa-Topia loss or tie or a Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie. With a tie they are in the same position as Commerce Heights is with a loss. And with a loss they are in the same position as Bettia is with a loss.

The Anyuna Observer: come on you Fire Ants!
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/nbet-badge.gif
Ants On A Knife-Edge

Northern Bettia..........5 (Devanallt 2pen 37, Hiyashibara 17 67, Kyobu 74)
Houersteinzer.............1 (Player #9 36)


As the end of the qualification stage draws near, Northern Bettia somehow find themselves with the holy grail of the finals still within their grasp, a cause helped with a comprehensive home win over bottom-of-the-table Houersteinzer.

A capacity crowd of just over 75000 packed into Sakura Park to see the Fire Ants record their biggest ever win in this tournament. Although the squad was still somewhat depleted due to suspensions, they made short work of their opponents. The Ants got off to the best possible start when Gwrlais Devanallt went down in the penalty under a seemingly innocuous challenge. However, one or two rolls on the ground and some passionated appeals later, the penalty was awarded and the team captin made no mistake in sending the keeper the wrong way.

Quarter of an hour later, Ola Hiyashibara doubled their advantage when he was put through on goal only to be brought down the unfortunate defender who conceded the penalty, a foul which the referee had no choice but to show a straight red card. The striker latched onto Kyobu's chipped free-kick to thunder a header past the visiting keeper.

With a man advantage, Northern Bettia pressed home but Houersteinzer pulled a goal back quite against the run of play when a hopeful long ball sprung the offside trap and the centre-forward rounded Ozeki and pull the away side back into the game. However, as any player would tell you, a team is at its most vulnerable when they have just scored, and this certainly proved to be the case as Rai Koizumi galloped down the wing after receiving the ball from the kick-off, then whipped in a low cross which Devanallt was only too happy to blast home to claim his brace.

With the Fire Ants back in control, the second half got from bad to worse for the visitors shortly after the restart when Ben Sanae, who was standing in for the suspended Saotama, went down clutching his face after tussling for the ball with the Houersteinzer centre-midfielder. After consulting his linesman, the referee produced the second red card of the game, and Sanae promptly got back up and carried on after a quick wipe with the magic sponge.

From that point on, the game became nothing more than a procession and Northern Bettia stretched their lead further through a Hiyashibara half-volley and a Kyobu free-kick to give the Fire Ants a vital three points. They now find themselves equal on points with Cafundéu and three behind the still-undefeated Archregimancy. Although Ariddia seem to be pulling away, the next four matchdays will be crucial for the following three teams.

Matchday 15 sees the Fire Ants travel to the Algal States, whilst both Cafundéu and The Archregimancy have fairly routine home games against Dance 2 Revolution and Tanah Burung. However, it's the next round of games that see things really hotting up, as The Archregimancy must travel to Ariddia for a game that could very well decide who finishes top of group two. The Fire Ants face an equally vital trip to Zwangzug, while Cafundéu go to Tanah Burung.

The highlight of Matchday 17 will certainly be Cafundéu's home tie against Ariddia, with Northern Bettia at home to Dance 2 Revolution, and The Archiregimancy helping themselves to three points at home to Houersteinzer.

However, the moment that makes or breaks Northern Bettia's hopes of qualification could very well be on the last day as they host Cafundéu, a game that is sure to be keenly watched throughout the colony, the Blessed Realm of Bettia, and perhaps even the world. It's fair to say that the scheduling of the matches has thrown up some interesting possibilities, meaning that the final outcome of this group could go right down to the wire.

Yes, there are some interesting times ahead for our boys. Can they make it?



Fixtures / Results


MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT
01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away
16: Zwangzug.............Away
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME
18: Cafundéu.............HOME

PHLA'TA FORT EUROPE G'JAHALLEN 'SOHNA ELGG
LACKLUSTER FORT EUROPE DEFEATED AGAIN

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/022.jpg
Undeserving Holy Empire celebrate victory

While support of the Fort Europe national football team has never been so high, it's media coverage recorded as having been clearly superior throughout this tournament so far, the team however have only managed to gain three points from a possible nine and have fallen out of range of the automatic qualification places and now lie fifth and three points behind the playoff place in group three. Many have begun to consider Fort Europe as the most unlucky side in this tournament having lost out on qualification in the last world cup by just two points, it looks certain that they will miss out again with only four matches left having been defeated by the more experienced of the groups other teams by virtue of minor lapses in concentration and any number of dubious refereeing decisions that haven't gone their way.

Two weeks ago Fort Europe hosted the Holy Empire in a match that many fans believed Fort Europe would win and gain those extra points they needed to jump above Demot and into the Qualification places. The Holy Empire were even at that time confident of qualification and had little left to play for so the home side should have picked up at least a point in front of their own fans. So when they went into the changing rooms at half time two goals up, both scored by Karl Isaak, it looked as though the game was in the bag. No one could have predicted the end result though , especially considering the home side having had sixty three percent of the possession in the match, but with ten minutes to play James West was dismissed for bringing down striker Nicholas Pselluso in the box, who had to be stretchered off the pitch after colliding with the goalpost. Andronicus Curcuaso put away the penalty past substitute keeper Ed Russell to make it two goals to one, and then is a bizarre twist, Andronicus Curcuaso scored again to equalise with a wonder strike from fifty yards out which lobbed Ed Russell who was just a few yards off his line and crept in under the crossbar. Fort Europe were downhearted but resolved to hang onto the point, which the visitors also seemed happy to take and sat back to let time play out, so as the match lapsed into stoppage time it was completely dumbfounding to all when Mike Young passed the ball all the way back to his keeper. Ed Russell came out to collect the ball and in a moment that seemed to flow in slow motion, he tripped over know one knows what and landed face down on the muddy pitch. The ball for it's part just kept on rolling with everyone staring in amazement as it crossed the goal line as brushed up against the back of the net.

Recovered from that bizarre twist of fate, Fort Europe went to Bartonstein to reclaim the points they should have had against the Holy Empire, this time however nothing went wrong and another two first half goals from Karl Isaak went unanswered by a subdued home side who were beaten last time round by five clear goals to nil. Which brings us up to last nights match as Fort Europe once again played host, this time to Cookesland who were stuffed by a highly convincing SIX goals to nil in their first match of this competition just nine weeks ago. This would surely be another easy victory for the home side, who were still chasing that third place spot and their last chance for automatic qualification, while their opponents were too far behind and were playing just as a matter of pride. So how Cookesland managed to win this match is anyones guess, but somehow they managed to take the lead through Patrick Andolor in the fifteenth minute, to which Michelle Bishop replied ten minutes later with a goal of her own struck on the volley from close range sending ball and keeper into the net, the ball having been caught amazingly by the keeper at waist level and was send flying back over his line. But it was in the second half that it all went wrong, James West returning from one suspension was dismissed again when Peter Rykil stumbled in the area. The penalty was given despite players from both sides telling the referee that West was innocent. Ed Russell came on again and managed to block the penalty shot, parrying the ball back out to Peter Rykil who didn't miss at the second opportunity.

Fort Europe still have time to turn this tournament around and win all of their final four matches, but it will be difficult and team manager Stuart Moss will no doubt be considering his options should his team fail to qualify. Fort Europe travel to a neutral ground next to play Hockey Canada, a team without a nation after their government collapsed into anarchy moments before the tournament started. Then the go to group leaders Schiavonia who have already qualified from group three and are to date undefeated in fourteen matches. Fort Europe will then finish off the group with matches against Harlesburg and the Lowland Clans. The latter of which lie just above Fort Europe and the match could, if all goes well, be the deciding match between a playoff place and Stuart Moss signing on at the job center.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/31414.jpg
Isaak puts the ball in the net against Bartonstein

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/0023-1.jpg
West concedes against Cookesland

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/Cookesland001.jpg
Cookesland players celebrate surprise win

<Dazza Dallas in a Maria Sharapova tennis uniform and Wayne Wastle>

Dazza: Hello all, it's THE FOOTBALL LIFE again. As usual, with me is Wayne Wastle.
Wayne: I hope everyone at home is safe and well. It's World Cup 33 and all is going well for our team and Bettia too!

Dazza: I can't say that for our friends in Nedalia though.
Wayne: Yes, true - can't say say at all, the opposite.

Dazza: Now, why is Dazza dressed like some tennis girl? Some fans wanted me to look like their favourite tennis girl, Maria Sharapova, and so here I am. I think this suits me.
Wayne: And well, I play tennis with Dazza sometimes and she trashes me. She's really good - take on Dazza in singles match. She looks good and even plays like Maria Sharapova sometimes.

Dazza: I'm lousy Wayne, I need more work!
Wayne: You're a lot better than me Dazza.

Dazza: Group 1 and no surprises. The teams who are expected to win, won and the ones who we call "crap" played that way too. OK, I lie - one upset.
Wayne: The table is little changes except Jeruselem have secured a play-off spot now but we want MORE, a direct qualification.

Dazza: Bostopia choked, what's going on with them. Who beat them? Collonie of all teams! Collonie the team who conceded 15 goals in two games to Jeruselem and Bettia. Collonie beat Bostopia TWO NIL. Well well, are Bostopia choking?
Wayne: Of late, they have not been good. They should have beat Collonie but Collonie showed some of the spirit we beat out of them.

Dazza: Guess who laughed when Bostopia lost? The team from Elves Security Forces! They had a jolly good time teaching the Northern Caesarea a real lesson, beating them FIVE ONE. The Elves look good in 3rd spot! And are looking like they are going to keep it too.
Wayne: Northern Caesarea are goners - with the Elves winning like this, no hope. Bostopia are digging a hole and must get out of it.

Dazza: Bettia, looking good! They brushed aside New Propagandia with no trouble and look like joining Crusaders on the march the Holy Land. Easy win and well no more losses so I think they should be 2nd at least!
Wayne: Aroras should stand proud so far. Slow start but marching on.

Dazza: Jeruselem on top with 36 points and Bettia on 34. Elves on 25 - that's 9 points away from 2nd. Top 2 don't need much help at all.
Wayne: It's the other spots now in question. Elves are in a fight with Kelssek.

Dazza: Kelssek are rolling on and had no trouble with Lovisa, winning FOUR ONE. They are 4th but on the same points as the Elves now. Yes, 3rd and 4th are close. Bostopia are 4 points behind in 5th.
Wayne: Four games left and not much time left for the battlers here. Will it be Kelssek or Elves 3rd? Bostopia are close enough but they need goal scoring ... not happening.

Dazza: Now to the sad tale of the Lions! Ropa-Topia beat our Lions THREE TWO and sadly they will not make it I think. Ropa-Topia is placed 3rd on 26 points with Nedalia on 16, meaning well a true miracle. Even if the Lions win all the last games, gives then 28. Nope it's over.
Wayne: Yes, maths says maybe but we are being real. Ropa-Topia and company are not going to loose all their games so it's the Lions gone now.

Dazza: Squornshelous took on Turori, and well got destroyed ... I mean totally destroyed.
Wayne: Turori upset the World Cup 31 champs SEVEN ONE, yes SEVEN ONE. What a result! Squornshelous first loss. And what a loss, it's like they played the under 20 reserves or something.

Dazza: Four games left! But already some have booked their spots but Jeruselem and Bettia are almost there. Then it's PARTY time but for Nedalia, probably not.
Wayne: That's alright - we'll think of the Lions when we play.

Dazza: I've got an announcement - Dinkie Dosha is my apprentice reporter. She's going to learn all about being the new Dazza.
Wayne: Oh, Dinkie. The new Dazza?

Dazza: Yes, she will take over my spot - but not now. She's got some learning to do.
Wayne: Leading her astray there Dazza?

Dazza: No, teaching her about possibilities of my job. You do lots of things! and have fun.
Wayne: Now I'm worried.

Dazza: Well, that's it from me and Wayne. Sweet Dreams to you all! Dinkie is going to next FOOTBALL LIFE, let's see what our Dinkie can do.
Wayne: She's good, at home on camera and with a well different more innocent outlook.

(Cuts to an ad from Qazox)
<<Shows Commerical for Ganja Vodka, which features a mostly nude Dazza Dallas drinking the Vodka out of a glass shoe>>

Group 1
Bostopia [0] Collonie [2]
Elves Security Forces [5] Northern Caesarea [1]
Bettia [3] New Propagandia [0]
Lovisa [1] Kelssek [4]
Jeruselem [3] Marceau State [0]

Group 9
Turori [7] Squornshelous [1]
Ropa-Topia [3] Nedalia [2]

<announcer’s voice comes over the air as the camera zooms in on the anchorman> “This…is TNN.”


“Hello everyone this is Miles Nelson from the Tynelian News Network studios where Tynelian astromers have just announced the following shocking discovery. It seems that using the Damak Observatory telescope, astronomer Gil Fedeor has discovered an asteroid that is on a direct collision path with earth! Fedeor claims he only just recently saw the object a few days ago but followed its track over the next few days to confirm the sight. The object nicknamed ‘Doomsday’ is an oblong asteroid about 4km long by 1.5km wide, large enough to inflict catastrophic damage on earth if it hits. Fedeor claims the object is due to hit the planet within a few months if his calculations are correct. Other scientists are seeking to confirm the sighting but to this point that have not. Fedeor claims it is difficult to find as it seems to stay low on the horizon and is dim enough that it is often lost among the natural city skylights. Fedeor is sticking to his claims however. Tynelian military is reportedly seeking out options to delay, deflect or destroy the object once that have a concrete orbital path they can plan an intercept on. More on this as it develops.

“In an unrelated news item, it seems the Tynelian national soccer team with its 1-0 win over New Montreal States and a loss by Rorysville has clinched its first ever World Cup appearance in its seventh try.

“Also, third party candidate Mike McPhee in the latest polls has dropped back to 11% in the latest released numbers. Experts indicate that perhaps McPhee’s campaigned peaked a few weeks earlier and he could not make a major splash at the presidential debates last week. Others think renewed national pride in the Tynelian soccer team has turned people against his anti-soccer views as well.”

“You are NOT going in there with those.” Crown Prince John declared of the leech bearing doctors trying to enter the king’s chamber where King John IV remained in the coma brought on by the discovery of Princess Donna being one of the Black Knights on the national team.

“Your Highness, I understand your distress but it is a proven medical fact that leeches will draw out the ill humours plaguing the King by taking them out of the bloodstream itself.” The doctor answered in his bedside manner voice. However the Prince was having none of it.

“Leeches will weaken the king you idiot, he’s an old man and you want to bleed him? He’s far too weak for that. I’ve sent word to foreign doctors with their medical skills to aid him.

“Your Highness, what do foreign fools know of medicine. This is how it has been for centuries and has worked quite well Highness.” The doctor insisted

“Quite well? We have a 80% death ratio for any sort of surgical procedure here. Not to mention your idiotic idea to crack my sister’s skull open to ‘help’ her.” The Prince retorted.

“Ah that highness, as I told you there is pressure building in the princess’ skull but by cracking the skull open we could have relieved that pressure…” the doctor began before he was cut off

“..and leave her for dead. 85% of all patients die using that method., It’s a bloody concussion, I saw it all the time when I was on our national squad. She’ll be out of sorts for a few days and she’ll be fine unless she gets hit in the head again.” The prince insisted.

“Highness, I realize you lack our medical training and are obviously emotionally concerned and unable to think clearly but these are the best practices of our time.” The doctor said soothingly yet condescendingly which was alas the wrong tact to take.

“I see. So tell me doctor, if the king dies, who rules?” the prince began.

“Why most likely yourself unless you…” the doctor began before getting cut off.

“And recalling what my father taught me of dealing with favor, what do you think might happen if I felt the cause of my father’s death lay with his physicians?” the prince continued dangerously.

Paling visibly as the days of the bloodthirsty young King John IV who kept the headsman quite busy came back and realizing that this was in truth the king himself he was speaking to now, the doctor stammered. “Why I would never…”

“Correct, you will never set foot in this chamber until a real doctor arrives. Guards.” The Prince said turning to the two guardsman watching over the king’s chambers.

“Highness?”

“If this quack or any of his flock try to get into this room without my permission please see to it that they leave their heads behind.”

“Yes your highness!” the guards replied in unison grinning eagerly at the retreating doctor.

“Oh and one more thing doctor.”

“H-Highness?” the doctor stammered

“You’ll be happy to know that I had just visited my sister. She’s feeling much better and wishes to return to the team. And her skull is amazingly unharmed. Funny that.”

“W-well, that is excellent news, Highness. The Lord must have watched over her..”

“No doctor, its called common sense, something I see in short order among our so-called doctors. You may leave now.”

“Yes highness.” The doctor said fleeing from the scene.

Turning back to the guards Prince John went on, “The doctor will be here in a few days, make sure only his usual servants and family get past this door.”

“As you command Highness.”

Ah, what a scene of contentment.

The nation's football fans are in a blissful state as the Aroras stroll to another victory. Nine wins out of ten games. Sixteen goals scored in the last four with just two conceded. With Bettia nine points ahead of their nearest rivals with just four games remaining, life is sweet in the football-crazy Blessed Realm, and nowhere is this more evident in the Pie and Pixie, whose customers are jubilant after watching Peri Busilanta put Bettia three-nil up. It's a hat-trick for the triplets, and they're certainly enjoying themselves.

And they're not the only ones. Whereas outside it's a bit chilly and the streets are empty (except for the comedy tumbleweed, who makes his long-awaited reappearance after a few weeks out with a stem injury), inside the Pie and Pixie it's warm and relaxed. Many customers are happily chatting. Ali watches the TV with a grin on his face, with Bapty nestled on his lap and the babies scuttling around his feet, leaving presents here and there for Doris to find.

And George? He's watching the game just like everyone else, but every so often he can be seen taking something out of his pocket, looking at it and putting it away again.

Look! He's doing it now!

Ali looks on with some amusement at his friend as he gazes longingly at whatever it is, and... stroking it? This is all too much. Ali's curiousity is at a peak now, and with expert timing (a leftover from his army days many many years ago) he yoinks it out of George's hand and stares at it in disbelief.

"Hey, give that back!" George yells as he tries desperately to get his treasure back.

"Err, George?" Ali asks with a quizzical look on his face.

"What?!"

"Why do you have a photo of Dazza Dallas in your pocket?"

"None of your business." George mutters, trying his best not to blush.

"And why do you keep staring at it as though... as though you're in LOVE with her?"

"Oh, shut up!"

"Oh my god. You're in love with Dazza Dallas, aren't you?"

George remains silent.

"Ever since that Jerusalem game, you've been acting all wierd. It all makes sense now... you dirty old bugger."

"I said give that back!" George screams as he snatches his precious photo back. Relieved, he straightens it out and dusts it off, giving out a sigh as he gently runs his fingers over the photo.

"Oh man, you're doing it again. Just stop it will you? Honestly, you're acting like a little schoolboy with a crush!"

Ali shudders after this last sentence - the thought of George in his old school uniform going through puberty again, zits and all...

It's enough to put anyone off their tea and scones.


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT
01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away
16: Lovisa..................HOME
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME

Random Toast FC

W 3 - 1 Krytenia
L 1 - 3 Assegai Developments
W 1 - 0 Cuation
L 1 - 6 Qazox
L 0 - 2 Quintessence of Dust
W 2 - 1 Vilita
L 0 - 3 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 2 Lethislavania
L 0 - 4 Cluichstan
L 0 - 3 Cuation
L 4 - 5 Assegai Developments
L 1 - 2 Cluichstan
L 0 - 2 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 1 Quintessence of Dust
------ Lethislavania
------ Qazox
------ Krytenia
------ Vilita

Liz Kitten: Hi, this is Liz Kitten reporting at the 33rd World Cup in Quakmybush. Spirits are good in the Toast camp, despite 8 successive defeats! With only 4 more games to go, the Randomers are hoping to pick up a few more points before the tournament is over, now that qualification is impossible. I have with me Jesus Crisp. Jesus, any chance of a second coming?

Jesus: Well, we certainly need to make a micaculous comeback after a poor run of results, but it won't be easy Liz. How are you anyway?

Liz: I'm fine thanks, you?

Jesus: Yeah I'm doing great, enjoing myself, had a few good nights out, you been out much?

Liz: Yeah, I've been out and about. I've got a hair appointment this afternoon, so that will be nice... And on that bombshell, it's back to the studio for Random Toasts Most Shocking Police Tea Breaks.

Previously on A Hermit's Tale

Somewhere in the Gnatanamoan swamps

"Why are you to me came?" Kermit the Hermit asked.

"I think you have something that belongs to me," the man in the suit said.


Chapter 4 - Cousin Ted

"Ribbit. I have nothing. I am a hermit," Kermit said. "Everything what I have, have I found in the swamp. You look not like you in the swamp live, so how can something that I in the swamp have found from you be?"

"You may be right, sir," said the man, "but could I have a look around in your hut anyway?"

"Ribbit," Kermit said with a nod.

The man stepped inside the hut and immediately noticed the large wooden crate that Kermit seemed to be using to store a collection of odd-looking twigs and rocks.

"Mr. Kermit, where did you find that crate?"

"Crate, ribbit? What is a crate?" Kermit looked at the man curiously.

"This is," the man said, gesturing at the wooden thing.

"I have that not found. Ribbit."

The man with the suit sighed. "You haven't? Then how did it get into your hut?"

"That know I not. I remember not," Kermit said with a shrug. "One day woke I up, and it was here. I had headache and my roof was gone. I can me not remember what happened is."

"Do you remember what happened to what was inside?"

Kermit scratched his head, looking from the man to the contents of the crate. "Are you maybe blind?" he said, pointing at the crate. "My twigs and rocks. Ribbit."

"Was there anything else inside that crate before you put your twigs and rocks in there?" the man asked with another sigh.

"Ribbit. Oh, yes. Now know I it again," Kermit said. "Yes, there was something in that crate. Ribbit. Ted was in that crate."

"Who is Ted?" the man in the suit asked.

"Ribbit. Ted is my cousin," Kermit said. "He went away yesterday."

"Sir, what was in this crate is very, very important to me, and to a lot of other people," the man said. "Do you know what football is?"

"Ribbit?" Kermit said with a blank look at the man.

"It's a sport," the man said. "Ropa-Topia is currently playing in the World Cup football, and while they are not playing very badly, the contents of this crate would ensure Ropa-Topia's victory."

"Ribbit... What is sport?"

"Sport is... that doesn't matter right now," the man said angrily. "The contents of this crate is very important. Where is it?"

"That have I already said, ribbit," Kermit said. "Ted was in the crate. He went away. Yesterday, toward ocean."

"No, not Ted!" the man shouted. "There wasn't a person in this crate!"

"Ribbit. There was! My cousin Ted!" Kermit said calmly. "He looked not like how I remember though. He wore a strange black suit, and he ate up my fish."

The man stared at Kermit for a second, then he produced a picture from his pocket. He showed Kermit a photograph of a penguin. "Does your cousin look like this perhaps?"

"Ribbit! That is Ted! Ribbit!"

"And you say he left yesterday, and went in the direction of the ocean?"

Kermit nodded enthusiastically. "Ribbit, ribbit! Yes, that is what I said."

"Thank you very much, Mr. Kermit," the man in the suit said, and handed a piece of paper to the hermit. "Ropa-Topia's next match is in Coocoostan, but this is a ticket for Ropa-Topia's next home match, against Squornhelous. I'll send someone to pick you up when that match is."

"Ribbit, okay," Kermit said, looking at the ticket. "When you Ted find, tell him he me a fish owes."

"I will, Mr. Kermit," the man said as he hurried out of the smelly hut. "Goodbye!"


Chapter 1 - An unexpected visitor (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=12294678&postcount=11)
Chapter 2 - Penguins and plans (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=12342477&postcount=279)
Chapter 3 - Lost cargo (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=12357161&postcount=412)
Chapter 4 - Cousin Ted

Elven Times
Caesarea Soup

What was thought to be a critical evaluation of the Marauders chances at this late juncture turned out to be nothing more than a warm up for the huge match against Jeruselem next week. However, when you consider that this match was against the unenlightened bastards of Northern Caesarea, it shouldn't be taken as too huge of a suprise of how badly the Marauders embarrased their opppenents and tightened up the race for the final qualifying spot. With the final four week of qualifying left, the race for the final qualifying spot is highly contested with the upstarts of Kelssek tied with the Marauders in points, but if they ended today, it would be the Marauders in with a better goal differential. Bostopia should not be considered out of the running either, as they are only four points out, with a big match up at home against Kelssek still on the schedule. Win that match, and then have the Marauders slip up twice, and it could be very well the Bostopians heading on to the Proper for their first time instead of the Marauders. All of this is mute though if the Marauders are able to hold their own in Jeruselem next week, and against the offensive juggernaught of Bettia on the final matchday.

The Marauders showed their supieriority from the onset, easily getting past the sloppy play of the midfield and backline of the the bastards. Cuellar was particularly looking forward to this match, with the Caesareans fielding a playing of the same name, and who had cursed the elf in the prior meetings back in World Cup 30. The elf would not have to wait too very long in order to exact his revenge upon the heathen mortal, as he took him on in a one v one in the 8th minute, faking one way, getting the idiot to bite, and then using his suberb balance and acceleration to slip past the offbalanced midfielder, and took a hard shot from a bad angle at the top of the box, that just seemed to float on its' way in, before diving hard and skidding into the netting off the corner of the crossbar and post, throwing kisses to the crowd as his mates sourrounded him in exilirahtion.

The Caesareans looked to make a competition out of the affair, with a striker heading in a wonderful goal off a corner in the nineteenth minute, but little did the Caesareans know that that would be the last they would be in the attacking third of the pitch. The Marauders needed little time to send their reply, with Kyla Night making a spectacular indvidual effort off the restart to humilate the entire Caesarea squad, finishing off her run into the oppisition territory with a hard,low shot from the spot that the keeper had little to do about, merely kicking it out of the netting afterwards as Kyla flipped up her shirt to reveal a pink shirt underneath with words in large lettering that read "NEVER TOSS AN ELF".

The teams were preparing for the half time speeches by their respective managers that was but a minute of injury time away, when Justinian Constant proved the old addage "It only takes a second to score a goal" quite true. Liliam Kries and Cuellar are collapsed on a streaking striker, dissposessing him just past the halfway line. Cuellar collect the loose ball, and sent a hard diagonal lob into the Caesarea end, which Constant beat his marker to, and was able to slide past him as the defenders momentum sent him flying past the agile midfielder. With a clear path on goal, Constant could do little that would not result in a goal, and so it was a flip past the diving keeper that had the Marauders faithful singing "Honor,Fame,Glory, and the Game" during the half, and greatly changed the mood of the Revtron speech.

The team was slightly hesistant coming out of the dressing room, and used more of a methodic passing attack compared to their usual streaking play. However, the change of tactics didn't seem to slow down the goal pace any, as Zacharius rose above everyone else, and directed a cross beautifully with his head past two defenders trying to deflect it, and underneath the keeper and his quickly dissapating ego. The crowd began chanting "Zacharius For Great Leader" and even the Great Leader himself gave a laugh, giving his mate a high five, and making the joyful jog back to the halfway line. In an ironic twist, it would be the Great Leader to find the back of the netting for the Marauders final goal in the seventy-seventh minute, where Cuellar and Kyla worked over the left side of the defence, before Kyla's shot went off the keeper, and Tobias was there to volley the rebound into the now vacant net, in which the supporters outside of the stadium sent off fireworks to celebrate.

Now is the true test, a win against Jeruselem, and the squad is likely assured of at least a spot in one of the playin matches, if not directly qualifying. With Lovisa and Collonie being the two matches between the extremely difficult tasks of Jereuselem and Bettia, both of which are in the oppisitions backyard, those six points seemed assured. However Kelseek has a far easier schedule, and it looks like the Marauders are going to need points out of every one of their matches if they are to advance directly. The team is surely now feeling the sting of those upsets to the Kelssek squad, as the four points lost in those matches are all that seperate them from a likely direct qualification and their hopes riding on perhaps a playoff.

Elves Security Forces 5
Rick Cuellar (8)
Kyla Night (21)
Justinian Constant (45+)
Zacharius (51)
Tobias Raynor (77)

Northern Caesarea 1
??? (19)

Article by Luna Santapa

The New Cleethorpes Enquirer
Joyous return masks deeper problems

Quintessence of Dust celebrates tonight as they improved on their sagging form, slightly, with a 1-0 victory over Random toast. For many, the major cause for jubilation was the first half strike from Theo Littlefellow that put them into the ultimately decisive lead, given the beleaguered young captain has endured a horrendous tumult of injury and disappointment this tournament, absent for a majority of the games and lacklustre when nominally present.

Not so tonight, however, as he hared around the park tackling, passing, crossing, and shooting - the latter with occasionally too great a degree of raw vigour, untempered by precision, as he laid waste to the stands about forty feet over the Toasty goal - and in doing so firmly asserted that he was back, fit, and ready to lead the team again: in return, the cruel gods of football graced him with a booking that will see him return to the bench for the next match.

With him will be Guilermo Azzinio and Charlie Williams, the latter of whom departed the field on 83 minutes for a second yellow. This means only two of the original five defenders will be on show against Qazox, hardly the ideal opponent against which to duct-tape up defensive deficincies, and only Bob Pullman is expected to appear in their place, with the emphasis shifted to an attack-heavy formation.

Alfred Cynus, again impressive, will earn another start at right wing, while Jessica Jensen will return to left midfield and Dino Achten to a defensive midfield role. Finally, Benvolio Azzinio will start, possibly alongside Peter Rogers in central midfield, possibly in front of him, and possibly on the far right, with Frederic Renard coming infield. The development of attacking options is certainly an encouraging feature of the squad's progress, but it is probably on how their defence withstands the coming onslaughts that they will be weighed, and as such the triple-suspension is far from desirable.

Littlefellow's goal was a typically thunderous effort. With the midfield battle turning into a pitched battle, gleefully led on by Renard, again fortunate to escape a booking for his sporadic but determined fits of appalling violence, Quintessence of Dust earned a free-kick for a push, the referee seemingly not caring that the push was directed at removing Renard's "force choke" grip from the rapidly asphyxiating player's throat.

The ball was struck powerfully, whipping over the wall and away from the goalkeeper into the corner, and Littlefellow's elation was visible as he celebrated with teammates, most of whom had bashfully been struggling to recall his name prior to the game. He was substituted on 71 minutes with a standing ovation, but not before scaring a couple more times, though again, the ones truly in fear were sitting high, high above the goal.

Other performances varied from assured to patchy. Rogers and the strikers worked together reasonably well, though they failed to create many clean chances and there was a prevailing absence of bodies in the box, although Renard did his best to leave opposition corpses strewn in his wake. Micky Marberger and Williams struggled more obviously without Achten's reassuring presence, and some embarrassing lapses in communication were saved only by a degree of lethargy from Random Toast's cheese-themed strikers.

Wentland FA
Minutes of meeting 11.46

Present: The Chairman, The Financial Officer, The Shade of Menteith, Lord Autumnbottom, Earl Marjoribanks, Sir Jet-propelled Sofa, Lieutenant Pigeon, Mr E Jeffries, Mr M Innem, Mr N Hacker (partly), Miss Widmore (secretary).

The Chairman read the apologies and the minutes of the last meeting were agreed.

The Financial Officer reported that there was a profit of a single guinea plus a shiny farthing from the previous activities. This was an improvement on the previous estimate of one guinea. The Chairman emitted a who-hoo, with which the Committee agreed.

The Chairman reported on the progress in the prize draw. Notification had been received that the WFA had won the cubic zirconium. This was considered a disappointment but nevertheless a cubic zirconium was better than no cubic zirconium. CJ proposed that the cubic zirconium be mounted on a plinth for presentation as some sort of Trophy. MI seconded and IT WAS RESOLVED that there be a cubic zirconium trophy for something.

The Chairman asked where Mr Hacker was for the World Cup report. EJ said the last anyone saw of him he was in a public house being chaired by lots of Wentland fans singing a song about putting froggies in a blender. The Chairman asked what had happened in the last match. EJ stated that Wentland had won by one goal to nil over a team called Oliverry. NH then burst in in a dishevelled manner singing a bawdy song with unfortunate lyrics which Miss Widmore does not wish to transcribe if the Committee approve. The Chairman asked what the meaning of this was and NH stated that Wentland was now just three points from qualification for the big "cahooner". Note to self: speak to the Library for what this word might possibly be. CJ stated that there be many a slip twixt cup and lip and NH said he hadn't spilt a drop, to general amusement and a comment off the record by EJ that he could believe that. NH explained that the next two matches were against Acacacapaish and Keshhhhhibbia ???, the latter of whom NH averred could not beat an egg with an egg-beater, simple instructions for the operation thereof and a man who did nothing but beat eggs all day. NH therefore made the confident assertion that Wentland were in the finals and if they did not qualify he would "cut off [his] right"I cannot record this - DW.

The meeting being stunned into silence, it was therefore de facto closed.

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

WAY TO GO TYNELIA!!! ABOUT TIME
Assegai- 2 QAZOX-3

The domination continues as Qazox won its 11th in row overall and its 6th straight against Assegai Developments. The Black Oxen jumped out to an 3-0 halftime lead, and withstood a furious comeback in the final 15 minutes to move 5 points clear of Assegai for the Group 4 lead. Kyle Horton Got the ball rolling in the 12th minute with a blistering shot for 35 yds out that completely fooled Akihiko Yoshida. Sonja Clay added a goal in the 33rd minute off a corner kick when John Müllenkamp accidently deflected the corner right off of Sonja's head. The ball then richoeted off her and past Yoshida. The last Qazox goal came in the last minute of the 1st half when Regina Reginald lifted a free kick over Yoshida's head, and the home crowd of 75,000 in Cathedral Park, was stunned in silence.

For most of the second half Assegai was stymied by the Black Oxen defense, until the 76th minute when Severus Snape managed to sneak a goal past Greg Wolfen. the crowd began to liven up a bit and after a misplayed ball lead to Samantha Neesa scoring just 5 minutes later. The crowd was deafening as Assegai had momentum back on thier side, but the stellar play of Wolfen kept the Riskbreakers off the board and left the home side a goal short.

Up next for Qazox is a trip back home for Quintessence of Dust. Intersestingly enough is Qazox beats QoD, both Krytenia and Assegai will qualify for the World Cup. But with 3 home matches left, Fernando Turek will most likely rest most of the starters over the next couple of weeks. Qazox will win 3-1 over a tough QoD team that needs to straighten its ship.


Scoring Summary:
Qazox: Horton (11)- 12'; Clay (7)- 33', Reginald(7)- 45'
Assegai: Snape- 76'; Neesa- 81'
CARDS: Assegai: None
Qazox: None

From the desk of Draco Glaurung:
There isn’t much I can say about our disappointing game in Acapais. I scored a couple of goals that kept us from suffering another shutout. My teammates did a great job of getting me wide open on both of those, and I appreciate that from them. Gorbag Madril was back in goal for this one after Bartholomew Dalison got beat for four bad goals in the loss to Casari. Madril is likely to remain our starter for the rest of our matches.

Match Summary

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/acapais.png Acapais 2
http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/turruth_gordur.png Turruth Gordur 2

[ACA]
Samuel Haun (12’)
Deshawn Jones (17’)

[TG]
Draco Glaurung (51’, 66’)

From the desk of Dagor Bragollach:

So, we’ve managed ter scrape together 16 points. Not sorry and sad for a team wifaht its manager, wouldn’t ya say? Up next is anovver tough Itch and Scratch for us against the team from Haraki. We drew 2-2 wif them present and past nickle and dime, but na they’re playin' in our stadium and we will 'ave our crowd ter hammer and tack us up. Here is the roster that Draco Glaurung 'as released for this itch and scratch:

GK: Gorbag Madril –– Assegai Developments F.C. (Assegai Developments)

DF: Boldog Gothmog –– S.C. Vagrant Hills (Assegai Developments)
DF: Varg Vikernes –– TBA
DF: Huldah Sangria –– TBA
DF: Ash Nazg –– S.C. Vagrant Hills (Assegai Developments)

MF: Uglúk Dramborleg –– TBA
MF: Shagrat Grishnákh –– TBA
MF: Magda the Forsaken –– TBA
MF: Snaga Lagduf –– TBA

AF: Draco Glaurung –– Cathedral Spooks D.C. (Assegai Developments) Captain
AF: Dagor Bragollach –– F.C. Capri (Elves Security Forces)

As ya can clock, Draco decided we’d be better Frank Bough playin' more defense instead of tryin' ter Bobby Moore goals against more experienced teams. So, we’re garn hammer and tack ter our 4-4-2 formation.

Upcoming Match

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/turruth_gordur.png Turruth Gordur =VS= Haraki http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/haraki.png

@ Gorgol Harad Memorial Park (“Butcher Park”) – Ered Lithui, Turruth Gordur
Capacity: 51,082

From spiritual existentialism to attempting to convince a teammate of the benefits of his continued existence, Zwangzug's team certainly was unafraid of deep discussions. Rube had not appreciated this, however, until the aftermath of the Archregimancy game. Ever since their return, something had felt incorrect, something potentially as crucial as the past he had always known.

The country was discussing pensions: as none of the team was old enough to qualify, despite Steven's teasing of Ulysses, they didn't really care. Except Rube, always attuned to the social side of things. Some of the elderly were more vocal than others: "We fought the war for their sort," one protested.

There had been a war, yes. Rube's memories of himself included knowledge of an incident in his parents' time. But he could recall no details, no battles, no winners.

Unsure of himself, he went over to the more philosophical members of the team. "All I'm saying," Jacob was reasoning, "is if a bunch of atheists go to the Archregimancy and all anybody complains about is a song that none of them can sing, I think you did pretty well."

"How about a meta-anthem, then?"

"Hmm..." Jacob remembered how the trip had gone for him. "Anybody know what rhymes with antidisestablishmentarianism?"

"Someone knows," Andrew jerked a thumb, "and it's not "sadism"."

"Excuse me, guys," Rube interrupted. "Does anybody remember a...war? Learning about one? Or anything?"

They stared at him quizzically.

"Something's...off. There was some sort of war, something-but we can't remember it. The country was...the monks...Never mind," he reluctantly cut off.

But someone did seem to understand-just not someone Rube had ever considered a benchmark of sanity. "Like a wall, that's crumbling."

"Emphasis on like. A metaphorical wall," Andrew stressed.

The wind blew over the pristine view: Tanah Burung's anthem, Rube reasoned, though Andrew was betting on Errinundera.

Rube was so far the only contributor to the fund for restoration of Tanah Burung, and that was more ideological than anything else. He had promised one-half of all his checks from World Cup competition...and half the salary of a football player from a socialist country that held athletics in relative disdain, was, well, one hundred percent of zero. But he admired the idealistic ambassador behind it...

Despite the sorry state of the Zwangzug defense (he and Andrew were still pondering the earlier events, and Lawrence was attempting to come up with a witty comment about B-flat versus E-flat instruments to impress the saxophonist), they held Tanah Burung scoreless through the first half but were likewise shut out. Simon Ryne scored at the beginning of the second, however, seemingly effortlessly.

But no matter how simple it was to earn the victory, puzzling out what had gone on was challenge enough, and more.

"Slani Hell, Can someone tell me what just happened?!" Exclaimed Andrew Coulter,

The secretary laughed, been spending too much time in Rejistania?

"Oh, shut up, first we lose to the Robbers in a friendly on their turf and then now we lose 1-2 to a team like East Lithuania, at home no less! Can some one tell me how that is possible.

"An over confident side, Pure and simply, Up until this point Az-cz was suffering under the Baz-cz curse. Everytime we played them at a sport we beat them. Even we won three of the majors of their own game, you know Kleptochase? It was almost a given, any sport where Az-cz is in we beat them."

"Hah, you forgot to mention the Water Polo, not did only they beat us but won the whole tournament."

"Oh, wow, did any one actually watch that tournament? I think BazSports might have done one thing on it."

"I did and obviously you did too, so I rest my case.."

Andrew grumbled she was right he did watch it, he turned to head back into the office, he had forgotten why he was out in the foyer area anyway. But he remembered something else..

"What about the East Lithuania loss then?"

"Simple, They beat East Lithuania last time and were expecting to easily do the same thing again. Anyway. It's not like our position in Qualifying positions are in jeopardy."

"They will be if the team doesn't perform as they should... Anyway I'll ring up Eric, see what he is planing to do about it."

"Good plan.."

And this time Andrew went back into his office and started a private discussion with Eric Frankton, the Coach of the Bazalopes, and as it is private we can't print it here due to legal reasons.

Black Wolves Upset Bazalonia 2-1!!!

In an amazing upset, East Lithuania has pulled off the seemingly impossible and has won their previous match and beat Bazalonia, a tough contender, 2-1. The players rejoiced as the final second ran down as they ran onto the field jumping for joy knowing that even though they might not make it to this years WC proper, they will go home knowing that at least a few critics will keep their mouths shut. The team decided to hold their press conference in the locker room instead of in a press room as they celebrated with champagne all around. The sight was truly spectacular.

"Once Yanto knocked that ball in in the 90th minute, I knew it was over!" screamed midfielder Niño Rangel, who was recently announced to be leaving for a Cafu. team come the end of the run. "We now know what we can accomplish and we are ready for the rest of the series!"

Some critics, though, love to inform the bad news to the East Lithuania players.

"Oh, I'm glad about our team defeating Bazalonia. Too bad we're a few games away from the end." informs one critic, who we cannot name. "Their's only a few games left in this run and they're in sixth place! It is impossible to go that far in that amount of time. My conclusion? Maybe next year guys, maybe next year."

The Crimson Blade

Just Get In

After two consecutive weeks of sensory overload in anticipation of Assegai Developments’s potential qualification to the NationStates World Cup XXXIII, both players and supporters seemed almost numb this week.

Players went about their practice without the impending sense of urgency that had them sweating and grunting during drills last week, and supporters went about their normal week sans any overwhelming display of excitement linked to the possibility that their team might qualify for the Proper this week against the Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, ranked No. 67 in NationStates.

In fact, several members of one of Assegai’s supporters clubs have made public their feelings of angst at the team’s latest loss—a double loss, some will say—to Qazox by flying banners with huge block leaders that read: JUST GET IN.

Truth be told, despite the team’s recent run of success in qualifying, the loss to Qazox seems to have stymied the excitement that had been building up till this point.

In fact, when Assegai players were asked about their chances of qualifying against the Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, most of them simply shrugged their shoulders without answering. Although not obligated, team captain Ashley Riot expressed what seems to be the prevailing feeling that has taken hold of Assegai and its supporters.

“There’s no reason why we shouldn’t have done it against Qazox,” Riot said, biting his upper lip. “Actually, it’s really embarrassing that we thought we could have built a rivalry against them. The reality is that we’ve been nothing but doormats for them, ever since that 10-1 pummeling they gave us. They will ever lord that over us and there is nothing we can do about it.

“Whether it happens against JSY, Vilita or QOD, it doesn’t really matter now. If and when we qualify, we’ll have fulfilled our ultimate mission and that’s something you can smile about and pat yourself on the back,” he added.

For the game against the Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, Assegai Manager has turned over the reigns of his team to Assistant Coach Joel Monroy, who released his roster earlier today.

Goaltender
#0 Edward van de Beauchamp – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#8 Romeo Guildenstern – (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#4 Francis Rowe – (Sutina Saints, Fort Europe)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#32 Agatha Denys – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Forwards
#18 Stephen de Cobham – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#20 Samantha Neesa – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

Monroy has given third keeper Edward van de Beauchamp his second start of the qualifying phase. Also included in the lineup are backups Romeo Guildenstern and Francis Rowe at defense, Agatha Denys at midfield and Stephen de Cobham at forward.

“I like what these players showed us in previous encounters and I’d like to see how they perform in must-win situations,” Monroy said. “Yeah, it doesn’t seem like we’re that excited after that loss to Qazox, but we still have a job to do and I think these players will get it done while allowing the coaching staff an opportunity to gauge their skill in preparation for a potential spot in the Proper.”

Maybe if Assegai can defeat the Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, all those shrugs will turn to hugs of celebration.

Upcoming Match

(67) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/commerce_heights_jsy.png Commerce Heights JSY

VS
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

We're here in Green wombat with just minutes left before the kickoff. I'm Clint Gibblets for SASN. And now the players are coming out of the tunnels! It's a great sunny day here and hardly a cloud in the sky. And there's the referee talking to the other officials. Looking at the crowd, I see quite a number of Sel Appan fans. A huge flag of Sel Appa being waved by some fans. And now the anthems. The players are lining up on the field and facing the official flags of both nations. Ok, the players re setting up in their starting positions, and...here we go! That's the whistle.

An opening attack by Green wombat is quickly turned away. A counter-attack is formed, but is stopped at midfield. Both teams keep going back and forth and they are having trouble gaining ground and UH-OH! Arthur Mercator just committed a bad foul and was shown a yellow card. As the minutes roll by, we stay level at nil-nil. A few spectacular plays, but they are always met with even more spectacular saves. The final minutes of the first half are rolling away and still no goals. Oh! Look at that! A head-on collision between Alex Nart and Alan Dubrov. Both appear out cold as play has stopped. The referee is jogging over, followed by medics. He consults with several players and recommends both be substituted. Both players are taken off the field in stretchers and remain what appears to be unconcious. Sel Appan coach Charles DuPont has substituted George Bedding for Alan Dubrov, but has not yet decided to substitute Alex Nart, who now appears to be concious, but is still receiving medical attention. The referee has blown the whistle with a minute and a half of stoppage time added.

The second half starts and Alex Nart is back in play. Alan Dubrov has been reported still unconcious and has been taken to a hospital. It's the 55th minute and Green wombat has received their 11th corner...and oh my! They've made a goal! Striker Emmanuel Rinn leads a small parade of cheering Green wombat players. A once level scoreline is has now been broken with Green wombat leading. They seem determined to hold it as they block a huge Sel appan attack. Sel Appa keeps trying to attck, but are continuously halted at midfield or at the goal itself. Green wombat seems to have stopped major attacks, determined to defend their lead. As we approach the final minutes, Alex Nart receives a yellow card for handling the ball, but complains that he couldn't help it because of the injury. The referee said he should have been substituted. We are now at the 90th minute and two minutes of stoppage time have been added. Green wombat is leading 1-nil. Oh wait look at this, Estevez leads an enormous attack with every player, except the keeper Vasily Kashchenko. He's runing into a trap by the Green wombat defense and HOLY CRAP! A DRAW! YES FOLKS, ESTEVEZ HAS JUST EQUALIZED THIS TENSE MATCH! After dozens of fruitless attacks, the Turtles have pulled off a draw against the hardest team left to play. Green wombat players are stunned and try to regain their lead as the whistle is blow for Full Time. The score is 1-1!

What an amazing match this was. The Turtles have secured another point in their fourth attempt at the World Cup. It's all an easy ride from here, with two home matches against Swilatia and Kingsford. Then, two away matches against Nebuleux and Philodox Weltschmerz. All except Nebuleux are at the bottom of the group. Nebuleux may yet prove a bit of trouble, however Sel Appa has beaten them before and would gladly do so again. Nebuleux is third in group. Only Rejistania has been confirmed to qualify, despite their recent 4-3 loss to the Turtles. Sel Appa is fourth in group and sixth in playoffs. At this time, they would make the playoffs, which determine the three extra teams to qualify. With four matches left, we look forward to Sel Appa possibly achieving their first World Cup qualification. They have put together a 7-2-5 record for 23 points, with 39 goals scored and 32 conceded. I'm Clint Gibblets, back to the studio for more post-game coverage.

Master Guillaume writes:

After the grand heroics of the match against Atheistic Right, the squad pulled together for tight and ordered play against Kericia in the Grostadion. Lee Bush played, but he was clearly off his best form, with his shots on the net clumsily taken, all going wide. Radek Vyborny tried his best, but it was obvious the superb form that had graced some of Schorteskatascansolani's earlier matches was not present. It was up to the midfield to save the day, and they did, with a well-shot volley in the 61st minute coming from Edward Platt, on an assist from Jalen Giddins. The defense was well-knit, and Brandao, who started in goal to give Duke a rest, showed well what he was worth, though there were a few worrisome moments when a ball slid out of his fingers and nearly made a Kericia goal.

All in all this has not been a wonderfully smooth first exit onto the international stage for the Schor. Injury upon injury show their inexperience - even the hard-hitting V.Zizkaberg FK has not exposed the league to such violence as we have received from the "attack is everything!" international squads. Master Wenzel, as manager of the highly-defensive team EMF Prokupek, has managed to keep the number of goals scored against our team lower than any other team in our group save Commerce Heights (though Squornshelous must be made a special exception, being suddenly tied with us after their inexplicable 7-1 loss to Turori.)

We will in fact be playing Squornshelous next. Hopefully we will be able to replicate the actions of Turori and Atheistic Right, but we can never be certain about things like this. Be there to cheer the team on. Up the Schor!

G

Coach George Illyanich silently sat in his private room within the Valerian National Team Complex in Isangrad (a virtual villa for the Boyars to spend during the World Cup). The middle-aged former football star smoked an imported cigar as he reflected on his career as a player and his career as a coach. When he was a player, he delivered stunning plays and great exploits after the Valerians gained some world-stage experience, but he was still not the greatest player and the world and the Valerians never qualified for a World Cup during his stint as a player.

Now, as a coach, he may be able to see this happen. The Valerians have been resting comfortably at the fourth spot after their win against Rorysville. The Valerians pulled off some great plays, with Dimitrios Basileonos coming off the benches and scoring two goals. Karl von Hohenstauffen made the last goal while Valerian defence left the Rorysville side goalless. The win was celebrated with toasts of fine Valerian spirits, and a welcome sign that the last difficult team to play against would be hosting Milchama. Perhaps with good luck, the Valerians can make for a clean sweep with the rest of the matches and have a chance to qualify for a spot in the playoffs.

As Illyanich exhaled a ring of thick smoke, Mongke Urt-Urumqi entered the room. Urt-Urumqi had became the Assistant Coach after being one of the most capable midfielders the Boyars have since since they first debuted in the World Cup 11 (OOC: or 12... I forget. :p). Urt-Urumqi was known for solid midfield defense and when he took penalty kicks and went on the offensive, he was usually successful.

"George, we still aren't on the playoffs charts," Mongke said as he threw down the newsletter.

"Well... we have to make it our duty to make sure that the team wins the next games," George smiled.

"Extra training... shall temper them."

"And so would some celebrating. Organize some drinks for the team and us."

"Yes, sir."

Illyanich knew that the Valerians could not really hope to qualify directly (with tough competition from Bazalonia) and needed to get into the playoffs list and try to fight their ways into qualification. But, the chances are slim, with the game against Milchama looming ahead for the Boyars. The Milchaman team had beaten the Valerians in the CoH a while back for the cup, and they had improved while the Valerians stagnated. It would be a tough match and a fat chance for the Boyars to beat them... as for the rest of the teams still up to face the Boyars, they are rugs, so Illyanich had little worry of them. It was Milchama where all the Boyar energy needed to be.

Demot Daily ~ Religious Revolution?

During training the day before the big match up against the Holy Empire, captain David Masteron gathered his teammates and shared with them his last diary entry. Soo moved was the squad by the deep thought of their beloved captain, that they decided to forgo the trip to the Dreamed Realm, and dive into the history archives of the Nation Library of Demot in search of their orgins and their faith. WCC officials demanded that a squad from Demot be sent regardless and the Demot Footballing Association decided to send the Under-21 squad in the place of the Dynamo. Suprisingly, the under-21s were able to handle themselves quite well given the circumstances, and came up just a little short of taking points away from their encounter with the Empire.

Meanwhile, the squad made leaps and bounds of progress in their search, finding out that the first people to inhabit Demot were a group of druids. Seeking a reprieve from the persucution of the devout Chrisitian fanatics, the Druids traveled the world over in place of enviromental beauty, unscathed by the corrupted touch of man. Here the group settled down, and freely praticed their faith and maintain a relatively peaceful life. The small tribe blossomed under the rule of Cyfelius the Enlightened, who established the first true city of Demot and made peace with the Christians so that his people would be able to live without the fear of invasion. Three generations later, his great grandson John Demos set about to create great archectichel achievements, ignitaiting the great Sea Wall that allowed the community of Bellwater to flourish and a massive and elegant temple in Mirria, a tribute to the Druids and their shaping of Demot. In addition, he was the first appointed Patriarch of Demot and officially converted to Chrisitianity three years after his appointment. Following the exmple of their ruler, the official religion of Demot slowly changed from Druidism to Chrisitanity, though there are still pockets of Druids left today.

The team was also able to locate the lost book of Eyes of the Dragon that was a recording of every encounter the early Druids had with the dragons that inhabited the mountains of Demot, and how they had come to coexist. With all this knowledge rediscovered, Matriarch Elizabeth Dominier awarded each staff and player of the squad the Demot Seal of the Dragon, the highest honor a citizen of Demot can be awarded, for their efforts of rediscovering Demot's forgotten past. However, the squad needs not to let the award go to their head, as they have a very critical and important match against the undefeated and already qualified side of Schiavonia. The week would be made if Demot could hand the Schias thier first loss, and it would likely gurantee them a trip to the Proper, as their remaining matches are all against the bottom dwellers of the table.

Article by Jasmine Olyvander

MD 15 RP Cutoff

The Schiavone Scribe
Winning Streak Ends
Demot 2-2 Schiavonia

Schiavonia's winning run through the World Cup 33 qualifiers has finally come to an end. And not before time, too! We don't want to use all of our luck up before the finals!

That's what some would say. But then, some won't have seen this game for themselves.

In a strange turn of events, the Demot team that seemed so tiny during their game in Schaivonia appear to have grown somewhat. The team were only half the size of Schiavonia's players when they lost 4-0 at the KFS. Yesterday, the roles were reversed.

The Demot team averaged twelve feet in height, while they each had the weight of two normal men. Quite a task to play against, then.

But yet somehow, Schaivonia came away with a draw. They managed to use their only advantage well, and that was Shiela Blige's lack of height.

Blige, standing at just four feet and nine inches in height, was actually shorter than many of the Demot players' lags, and so found running between them easily. And yes, we do mean between their legs. She then managed to score a goal past a giant Alexander Orien in the Demot goal, while Colin Chester pounced in customary on an Orien fumble.

Of course, it wasn't enough. Samantha Black scored from the only corner that Schiavonia conceded all game, while David Masteron scored from all of sixty yards with one of the hardest shots you've ever seen hit. But when you're the size that these guys are, you can do that kind of thing.

All in all, not a complete disaster for the Sloths. Plus it was good exposure for the SFF's sportswear division - these are the only two teams in the whole cup that wear kits made in Schiavonia. And they've proved that they can make them for players of all sizes. So well done them!

Final Score
Demot 2 (Black 32, Masteron 46)
Schiavonia 2 (S. Blige 17, Chester 56)

<announcer’s voice comes over the air as the camera zooms in on the anchorman> “This…is TNN.”

“Hello everyone this is Miles Nelson from the Tynelian News Network studios where today the world surely breathes a sigh of relief as the impending doom of yesterday which sent stock markets plummeting around the world is not about to befall us. No, the asteroid discovered by Gil Fedeor at the Damak Observatory turns out to have never existed. Reports are sketchy but it appears a janitor making his rounds last night discovered a speck of dust on the Observatory’s lens. After the glass was cleaned Fedeor could no longer find the asteroid in any of the projected range of sky where the asteroid’s orbit was supposed to have taken it. It seems what he was tracking was in fact that speck of dust which when magnified against the sky appeared to be an odd shaped asteroid who’s rapid movement was nothing more than the telescope’s own timing mechanism to keep the lens moving in step with the planet’s own rotation. So relax world, life as we know it is not ending anytime soon.

“In still unrelated news to the near end of the world, Tynelia’s soccer team triumphed again with yet another shutout winning 4-0 against East Lithuania on goals by Duncan MacDougal and Bill Jakes in the first half and then by Alan Dawson and player-coach Jay Masterson late in the second half. The team has turned around a somewhat porous first half defense by only allowing two goals in the second half to this point seemingly peaking at the right time. Jakes’ goal now puts him one shy of Masterson’s all time team record of 11.”

<Short teenage girl in a Dazza Dallas dress>

"Hello, I'm Dinkie Dosha! Dazza and Wayne are having time off today, so Dazza is trusting me to finish this episode of THE FOOTBALL LIFE at home. That's so trusting, letting a rookie like me do a show like this on my own. Today Jeruselem qualified officially and so did Bettia. Today was a little different from any other day though! The team from Elves Security Forces turned up and beat Jeruselem, with me playing too. Our first ever loss but we didn't need to win anyway, as results ensured we will qualify. Admittedly some of our players were rested at home and some of younger players got a full game. Most of key players got rested by the coach Debbie Dallas ahead of last few games to avoid injury and to fix up niggling injury issues they had. The Elves played better than we did and they were really determined to win! Jeruselem didn't play well and we deserved to lose it. But as a young player, we needed this game to sharpen our skills for the big games ahead. Two games left! But we are safe, we have qualified. The only problem is loss allowed Bettia to get top spot but that's alright!" (big girly grin)

"Bettia our friends! They beat Collonie FIVE THREE. Another win and they are one long winning streak. They took top spot from Jeruselem as we lost but they join us in qualification stakes so both teams are happy. I'd like to say hello to my friend in Bettia! Wish you were here. The Elves are still 3rd, one win over Kelssek!"

"Now there was a good game - Bostopia vs Kelssek. Both needed the win now and Bostopia halted their slide winning this game. Kelssek folded to allow Bostopia to beat then TWO ONE. If the Kelssek team had one, then things would be so different. Now, Kelssek are three points or win behind the Elves meaning, one more win for the Elves should make the 3rd spot safe. Kelssek are 4th and 5th, ONE POINT behind. The 3rd to 5th spots are not decided yet."

"In games of little consequence, Marceau State drew with New Propagandia 1 ALL and Lovisa drew with the disappointing Northern Caesarea 3 ALL. These teams will not be in the top 5 at all."

"I'd like to tell a little about myself, Dinkie Dosha! I'm a real Dazza fan and want to do what Dazza does except maybe all that sexy stuff she does. I was highschool cheerleader going nowhere until I joined the Dazza fan club and then I found out what Dazza did to get where she was. So I worked hard to get money for expenses and asked a local club if I could play! They thought this little Jewish girl was being stupid but I got a trial for just asking. My first game, I scored two goals and ever since I've been dreaming of maybe playing a world cup. Look - I'm here - in a world cup. Dazza helped by showing me, even cheerleaders with no hope can get somewhere."

"Oh yes the Nedalian Lions. No more world cup for them. They drew with Commerce Heights 2 ALL and now they are gone. Two games left and so far adrift, they cannot make the top 3. Even a playoff is impossible due to the 3rd and 5th spot over 2 wins away from them."

"Dazza is again appealing for her luggage to be returned. Come on, please. She wants her stuff back. If guys are asking, I'm still single although lots of nice young Jewish guys ask me out. Before you all ask if I'm a virgin, err no. I got a bit drunk during a friend's party and did something Dazza alway does - err I'm not. Don't get too friendly with your friend's brother, hehe. I'm the new Dazza I guess! That's it from THE FOOTBALL LIFE. I hope you all have fun out there. This is Dinkie signing off for JGN! Oh yes, a new batch of Dazza Dolls is out. It's the new bunny series - you know what bunny I'm talking about."

Group 1
Kelssek [1] Bostopia [2]
Northern Caesarea [3] Lovisa [3]
Collonie [3] Bettia [5]
Marceau State [1] New Propagandia [1]
Jeruselem [1] Elves Security Forces [3]

Group 9
Nedalia [2] Commerce Heights [2]

The Enlightener: You love us
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

All The Aces Come In Threes

Collonie..........3 (Player #9 34 78, Player#14 81)
Bettia...............5 (B.Busilanta 15 43 67, P.Busilanta 55, A.Busilanta 74)

We're there folks! For the seventh time in succession, Bettia have qualified for the finals, thanks to this thrilling victory at Collonie, along with Kelssek's defeat to Bostopia. What's more, this result coupled with Jerusalem's shock defeat at home to the Elves Security Forces means that the Aroras find themselves on top of the table for the first time and, barring a trio of major disasters in the closing three matches, they are assured of at least a second-placed finish.

Speaking of trios, it was the Busilanta brothers who once again came up trumps for Bettia. First on the scoresheet was Budi, who blasted the ball home through a crowded penalty area from a poorly-cleared corner in the fifteenth minute. The home side equalised twenty minutes later, their centre-forward beating Hartiyanto to a header from Collonie's first corner of the game. However, the first half ended on a high after Budi Busilanta was put through on goal by a delightful through-ball from Scott which beat the offside trap.

Bettia took a stranglehold on the game after the break, with a scrambled goal from Peri Busilanta, a curled shot from Budi and a thrity-yard screamer from Andi putting the Aroras well out of sight and, although Collonie put up a spirited comeback which saw them grab two late goals, Bettia were able to claim their twelth win in this compeition, and first place in the Group One table.

So, with qualification in the bag, the question is now where can Bettia finish, and how many points can they grab in the process?

The next round of matches sees the Aroras hosting Lovisa whilst Jerusalem travel to New Progandia. Matchday 17 sees Jerusalem hosting Bostopia, a potential banana-skin against one of three teams still vying for that coveted thrid spot. Bettia on the other hand face an equally tricky tie away to Northern Caesaria, a team that promised so much but has delivered so little in this World Cup. The last day of matches sees Jerusalem travelling to Lovisa, a team whom they should expect to get three points from, whilst Bettia host in-form Elves Security Forces.

Just like our puppet's group, the final outcome of this one could go right down to the wire. Can the Aroras cling on to the top?

Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT
01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away....W 5-3
16: Lovisa..................HOME
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME

Congratulations to the team joining the qualifiers today. While most of the names are not suprises, we'd like to give a special notice to Yafor 2 and Assegai Developments. Yafor 2 powered their way in to make the cup after a bit of an absence and Assegai Developments has progressed nicely to become a qualifier this cup, even if they came in through the back door. A look ahead at possible scenarios for Match Day 16

Group 1

No possible qualifications

Group 2

Ariddia guarantees full qualification with a win. With a tie they qualify if either Cafundeu or Northern Bettia lose.

If The Archregimancy wins, they clinch at least a playoff spot. With a tie they would have 34 points. A team with 34 points needs 2 of the following to occur to guarantee a playoff spot:

1. A Spruitland Loss
2. A Sel Appa loss or tie
3. A Turori loss or tie
4. A Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie
5. A Liverpool England loss or tie
6. A Kelssek loss or tie

With a loss they would have 33 points. A team with needs five of the following to happen to qualify:

1. A Sel Appa loss
2. A Turori loss
3. A Schorteskatascansolani loss
4. A Liverpool England loss
5. A Kelssek loss or tie
6. A Fort Europe loss or tie
7. A Bostopia loss or tie
8. A Zwangzug loss or tie

Cafundeu and Northern Bettia are equal on points. With a win they would have 35 points. To clinch a playoff spot with 35 points a team needs one of the following to happen:

1. A Demot loss
2. A Spruitland Loss or tie
3. A Sel Appa loss or tie
4. A Turori loss or tie
5. A Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie
6. A Liverpool England loss or tie

With draws they'd be on 33 points. See Archregimancy for the 33 point scenario.

Group 3

Alasadair I Frosticus qualifies with a win and either a Lowland Clans loss or tie or a Demot loss or tie. With a tie they qualify with a Demot loss. Any win clinches them a playoff spot. With a draw they have 35 points see Cafundeu for such a chart. With a loss they have 34 points (See Archregimancy)

Group 4

No possible qualifications

Group 5

Errinundera qualifies with a win and a Sel Appa loss or tie. With a win they'd have 34 points and qualify as per the Archregimancy chart.

Group 6

No Possible Qualifications

Group 7

Bazalonia qualifies with a win or with a Magnus Valerius loss or draw.

Group 8

Geisenfried qualifies with a win, a draw and a Liverpool England draw, or a Liverpool England loss. With a draw they are on 34 points. See Archregimancy for what is necessary to secure a playoff spot on 34 points.

Group 9

No possible qualifications

Riailia Magic puts Eels in Pole Position

Though technically a citizen of Vilita, no one in Turori will be holding this fact against the man who has recently taken control of their national team. Known only as "The one who speaks with the foot" to the people of his village, and the Coach to Turorian's all over, the man from Riailia Village, a small village on the tip of Turoki Isle, closer to mainland Turori than to Alikki-Corra, has transformed the Turori Eels from a mid-table mess to, despite being 3 points back, a side in pole position for a return to the World Cup Finals.

Despite having conquered the Cup of Harmony for the second time, Turori stumbled out of the blocks, and, though well spirited, a 3-2 loss to Commerce Heights seemed to all but put the stamp on a return trip to the secondary competition. Thats when Riailia Magic stepped in, however. Ropa-Topia travelled to Cednia Beach looking to cement their place in the finals, instead, the Turorians who have faced Ropa-Topia in three consecutive qualification campaigns had other ideas. Turori came from behind to record a 2-1 victory over their Topian counterparts to catapult themselves back into the qualification race with just a handful of matchdays to go. Despite the implications of the win, however, no one quite expected the effect it would have on the Eels team spirit.

Led by the inspirational man from Riailia, Turori derailed World Cup Champion Squornshelous' campaign with a brutle seven-goal display. Making his first full start in qualification, Lotuta Kanzai netted a remarkable double hattrick repaying the faith the manager had shown in him after a fine 20 minute performance in the previous match against Ropa-Topia. Squornshelous' own concellation goal was cancelled out late in the match when Imaima Cziil, who was introduced in place of goalscoring hero Kanzai, headed home for their first career International goal.

The question remained, however, if the Eels could do it on the road, but there was no better transition then again weakly Altanar and the Eels dealt professionally with the threat, recording the 1-0 victory to stay within 3 points of 3rd placed Ropa-Topia in the race for a place in the World Cup Finals.

Despite the 3 point gap, however, some would now consider the Eels favored to go through. Turori has three remaining matches against the bottom three sides in the group, Coocoostan, Atheistic Right and Kericia. Meanwhile, fellow qualification rivals Ropa-Topia and Schor.........Schortis....Schorsomething or other will square off against each other ion the cups final match day, preceded by matchups including top 2 teams Commerce Heights and Squornshelous.



Turori Eels under Riailia Magic

Commerce Heights [3] Turori [2]
Turori [2] Ropa-Topia [1]
Turori [7] Squornshelous [1]
Altanar [0] Turori [1]

Miss Widmore tutted. She had checked the calendar seven times that day and every time it was still saying that there was an FA Committee meeting scheduled. However there was nobody present. She was appreciative of the possibility of jet-lag on the return from Acapais, but where was everyone?

Suddenly her door burst open and a conga entered. "Who brought that eel in here?" Miss Widmore wondered. But behind that a bunch of executives were seen dancing and rolling in singing some song about "We're all off to Quak-land! We're all off to Quak-land! La la la la, la la la la!"

At the back Mr Hacker was roaring "five-one!!! Five BLOODY one!!! I BLOODY TOLD YOU!!!! I BLOODY TOLD YOU!!!!"

The scene was causing some consternation amongst the other staff at the WFA and Miss Widmore had to call the assembled throng to order. "Mr Chairman, I do not wish to be presumptuous, but there is meant to be a board meeting today..."

"Knickers!" shouted Teethy.

"We've had it!!! I'm bored of the board!!! Tee hee!!!!! Going loco, down in Acapaico...if we score again...who-hoooo!!!!!"

"Mr Chairman, I must insist..."

"Oh, alright then Miss Whinger. Motion is that the meeting be adjourned. Seconder?"

"AYE!!!!!!" yelled everyone.

"You haven't had the apologies yet," chastised a stern Miss Widmore.

"Oh, OK. I'm sorry. We're sorry. We're all really sorry. We're very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very..."

Then the others joined in.

"Very very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sorry. Sorry. Sssssssooorrrrrrryyyyyyy."

"There. Meeting adjourned to the boozer. We're on our way!!! We're on our way!!!!"

Miss Widmore sighed and sat by her Imperial. This won't take long, she thought.

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

Can't Turn it up to 12
Quintessence of Dust- 2 QAZOX-2

The 11 game winning streak came to an end today as Qazox had to rally twice to earn a hard-fought draw with Quintessence of Dust today. Roger Longhorn led the way for QoD as they got on the board 1st, in the 23rd minute. But Kyle Horton, who maybe retiring after the Cup, answered in the 52nd to tie it up at 1-1.

But Roger Longhorn, who gave the Black Oxen problems the last time these two teams met, scored again, in the 62nd to put QoD back up 2-1. But Sonja Clay, a late sub managed to score in the 85th minute to end the match as a 2-2 draw.

Up next for Qazox is its last road match at Random Toast. 6-1 was the score at home earlier in qualifing, and expect a similar result here 4-1 Qazox.

Scoring Summary:
Qazox: Horton (12)- 52'; Clay (8)- 85'
QoD: Roger Longhorn- 23', 62'
CARDS: QoD: None
Qazox: None

Mathieu de Jenken tossed and turned in his bed, dreaming of being kicked around a football pitch by the letters W, D, L, and the numbers 1 and 3. The numbers were laughing like maniacs as he struggled to escape, and the 3 turned itself sideways, revealing horrific fangs and advancing on him...

He awoke in a cold sweat. The sun was beginning to reveal itself and there was the sound of a motorcycle repeatedly travelling a short distance before stopping, every stop followed by three or four thack sounds. Getting up, he realised it was the newspaper delivery and decided to read what the press had to say.

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/media/national-independent.gif

Bostopia loss "huge setback"

A crucial goal in a crucial game has put Kelssek in serious trouble as a 2-1 loss to Bostopia has left Kelssek three points adrift of the resurgent Elves Security Forces, who occupy third place and the last automatic qualifying spot with a stunning defeat of Jeruselem putting the emphasis on their return to form.

Analysts will no doubt be giddy over the speculative scenarios in the three remaining matches for both sides, but most agree that Kelssek have to win them all to hope of catching Elves Security Forces, who have a tough away match in Bettia left in the schedule while Kelssek faces less challenging opposition. Kelssek would also need to make up a 6 goal disadvantage in goal difference. It's a "huge setback", said the NSN's Will Campbell.

Manager Mathieu de Jenken, however, remained optimistic. "We still have the advantage into making it into the playoff spots. It's definitely still possible to finish third."

Team Kelssek will have to be kicking themselves for letting it slip at home, as will several members of the team like Henri Cournoyer and Tony Archer who both sent the ball into orbit when presented with glorious opportunities to score. Two goals behind at half time, Vincent Arsenault's goal one minute into the second half inspired a full-out effort to equalise - but Bostopia's defence held up to the pressure again and again, Dave Kripp was solid in the net and failure to finish the chances sunk the ship.

"Could've been, should've been, all in the past. It doesn't matter now. Focus on winning the games ahead. They are all teams we should and must beat." de Jenken said.

Kelssek lineup: Zherdek, Gobrynin, Avant, Symonds, Hanson (Birtles 77), Regehr, Anderson (Archer 65), Hartraft, Arsenault, Cournoyer (Crawford 72), Sinclair.

Pheep! Pheep! Pheeeep!

The trio of sharp blasts from the referee's whistle rose up into the night sky within the Algal States national stadium above a chorus of boos from the home supporters and cheers from the small pocket of Northern Bettia fans packed into one corner of the ground. As the Fire Ants fans started to stream out through the exits, singing their hearts out after yet another win, one group of particularly neanderthal-looking types can be heard shouting and laughing louder than most.

"Hah! That was fuckin' brilliant! Can you believe we got four of them sent off?" Hiro laughs, enjoying the most of his bail time before his court case for vandalism and assaulting a police officer.

"Four. Amazing. And what about that tackle Saka put in on their goalie?" Massa replies, the street lights glistening off the top of his shaven head.

"Yep. He'll be singing soprano in the showers tonight."

"Yeah, if he has any bollocks left!"

Suddenly, Hiro inexplicably darts across the street and around a corner.

"Hiro! Hiro, wait! Where the fuck are you going?" his best pal Massa yells after him as he and the other dozen or so brainless gang chase after him, not caring if they draw the attention of the local police. Eventually they find him, spray can in hand, standing back in front of a wall and admiring his handiwork.

http://212.77.178.138/2006//user/72316/vorschau/72316_162308.jpg

"Heh. The Yuna Crew are in town!" Hiro laughs triumphantly.

"Oh, very good. The contrast of the red against the stone of the wall, previously unspoilt save for the fumes of nearby traffic - it's truly a wonder to behold." Massa mused.

"You WHAT?! Have you swallowed a ponce pill or something?"

"Eh? Nah mate. It was just some shite the missus was watching just before we came out here. Some arty nonsense, it was. Made us laugh, it did. It was just a bunch of beardies staring at godawful bits of rubbish and saying big words like 'juxtapose', 'illumination', 'myriad' and 'nice'. Bloody funny."

"Pfft! Modern art? It's a load of old bollocks, ain't it? Now THIS on the other hand..." Hiro said as he proceeded to spray something vaguely resembling a pair of testicles on the wall. "Hah! Now THAT'S art!"

Soon, the whole gang was at it, daubing the wall in all sorts of offensive slogans, but as they stepped back to admire their handiwork, they were interrupted by a loud blast on a whistle. They turned their heads to see a pair of policemen sprinting in their direction, truncheons at the ready. Our 'heroes', being the brave souls as they are, immediately took flight.

"Shit! Let's get to the airport, sharpish!"


Fixtures / Results


MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT
01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away....W 3-1
16: Zwangzug.............Away
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME
18: Cafundéu.............HOME

KL'AEN L' VERVE I'DOL BAUTH
TAKING THE LONG WAY ROUND

Hockey Canada - 0 - V - 3 - Fort Europe

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/HC001.jpg
Preparing for a match without a live audience

Report by Amy Bystander, Commonwealth News.

Playing on neutral territory worked out fine for the Fort Europe side, despite the severe lack of a stadium. The match was played at an undisclosed location on a small pitch surrounded by dense forest and a nearby village. The match it's self got underway quickly with Mia Nevola's burst down the left side resulting in a cross which found Karl Isaak waiting in the center, who in turn found the back of the goal net just a minute into the match. Four minutes later the ball was in the back of the net again, the shot from Michelle Bishop rebounded off the crossbar and was put away by Ryan Holmes on the follow up. The match was largely uneventful despite the goals, with the Fort Europe side having a considerable possession advantage as they controlled the game from start to finish, with the third goal coming from a well worked passing play which resulted in Karl Isaak taking the ball around the keeper and putting it safely away for a clean win.

These three much needed points will go a long way to Fort Europe's fight back to reach a place in the World Cup finals either through automatic qualification or via the play offs, but either way they still have to out do the still undefeated Schiavonia team on their home soil next week. The team will however take some small amount of confidence from Schiavonia's disappointing display against Demot yesterday and will fancy their chances of taking something from the match as Schiavonia have already qualified and will no doubt be wanting to rest their best side ahead of the finals. Elsewhere the might of Assegai Developments have also been rewarded for their efforts with cirtain automatic qualification with just three matches left in group three.

PLAYER RATINGS
(Out of 10)

8 - Ed Russell
8 – Murphy Lee
7 – Tim Forrester
8 – Floe Peltsten
7 - Gemma Lloyd
6 - Katherine Keller
7 – Andy Fletcher
9 – Ryan Holmes (C) (5)
7 - Vicky Princess
9 - Michelle Bishop
10 - Karl Isaak (1,48)

SUBS

- - Tom Reas
- - Shaun Pearson
- - Aki Haddon
7 - Edowine Sanjuan (On for Princess(45))
8 - Josephine Blanchard (On for Bishop (70))

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Russell maintains a clean sheet

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Hockey Canada struggle to keep up

Phillip was no stranger to precipitation. To him, hailstones were just other objects to evade. But mist was more of an annoyance: pervasive and inescapable.

It shrouded the verdant field in Fmjphoenix. While the locals seemed fairly used to it, he was befuddled, slowed by grass that seemed too tall. His precise dribbles were rendered useless.

He could pass backwards, though-figured. Yul was preternaturally always behind him, shrouded but present. His shots on goal, and there were plenty, were no sonic booms, but they pounded nonetheless. Or maybe he was just too close, hearing it sail past his ear.

The Fmjphoenix team, however, was on top form. A looping pass around Steven to a forward led to an easy goal late in the first half.

During halftime, the team seemed too lethargic to pep up. BOB's circuits were as weighed down by the water vapor in the air as the rest of the team. Phillip was approached only once, by Andrew, who praised his ducking. Very loudly.

Loud, like the continuous noise. In the chaotic mist, Yul's passes were reliable bulwarks, straight to him. Except when Simon Ryne got involved, disrupting the dynamics with flashy footwork. So he was the one that got the credit.

But the mist faded, and Phillip was the one that glimpsed the faint rainbow arcing above the field. One end to the other: balance winding up a draw.

It was gone by the time he turned to show Yul.

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

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CAFUNDÉU CONTINUES WITH WORSE CAMPAIGN PLAYING AT HOME THAN PLAYING AWAY

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The supporters filled the stadium in Cafundó do Juta

In a very important game, Cafundéu’s supporters were hoping to see the team getting some important points at home against a powerful opponent, one of the best of the group. The team performed well, bu couldn’t defeat the faith of The Archregimancy’s players and the team suffered four goals, losing the game by the result of 4x2.

Another loss at home, and the media and the supporters continued to complain. This time, Franz Braddock avoided controversies and commented only about the game. Now the team must win most of the next games if it wants to go to the World Cup without playing the playoffs. The attack wasn’t in the best form today, but the midfield had a good game

THE GAME

Braddock knew that the game would be difficult since the start, so he prepared the team with a patient and effective formation. In the first minutes of the game, both teams disputed the ball in the midfield, but none of the teams could attack with strength. Only after the tenth minute the first chances started to happen, and Cafundéu was closer to score.

Before the twentieth minute, Cafundéu scored. Br. Iosephus handballed the ball before it hit his face, and a freekick was given to the home team. The midfielder Kliek made a perfect shot, scoring the first goal of the game and commemorating with the security guard, who didn’t understand nothing. The goalkeeper Fr. Justinian was a bit frustrated with the goal. Read Breno Gavião:

“Free kick to Cafundéu. Kliek will take it. He shoots, the ball floats to the goal... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Look that again in the replay! Kliek, number seven! Cafundéu one, The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy zero!”

After the first goal, The Archregimancy’s players seemed to take forces to fight from somewhere unknown. They started to run and created plays after plays. After some minutes of intense pressure, they scored the goal. Fr. Constantine made a long ranged pass to Fr. Silouan, who easily dribbled Sávio Ferrari and shot to the goal, to score for the visitors. Read Breno Gavião:

“Cafundéu loses the ball again in the attack. Constantine makes an incrrrrredible pass to Silouan. The attacker drrrrribbles Sávio, invades the arrrrrea, will shoot... and it’s a goal! Goal for The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy! Silouan! The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy one, Cafundéu one!”

And they didn’t stop. The monks continued to pressure the home team, which was unable to react. Cafundéu even tried with Heitor and Ganz Ijak, but both missed their goal chances. But Archregimancy scored again. This time, Br. Innocent invaded the area and made a fine pass to Fr. Silouan who had no problems to score. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Fast attack of The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy. Barsanuphius passes the ball to Innocent, he invades the area, Becão will try to take the ball, it goes to the area... and it’s a goal! Goal for The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy! Silouan! The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy two, Cafundéu one!”

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Kliek surrounded by his team mates after scoring the goal

After the second goal, Cafundéu even tried to react, but didn’t. The Archregimancy continued better and had many good chances. Cafundéu had a chance with Kirs, but Fr. Justinian made a good save. In the final minutes of the first half, Br. Innocent shoot from outside the area and scored a wonderful goal, the third of The Archregimancy. Read Breno Gavião again:

“Two minutes of extrrrrra time. Innocent receives the ball. Stops for a moment. Shoots... what a goal! Goal for The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy! Marvelous goal of Innocent! The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy three, Cafundéu zero!”

When the teams returned to the second half, the climate was completely different. Cafundéu’s supporters were clearly disappointed and the monks stopped to attack understanding the efforts of the home team. But even with a more calm game, the chances continued to happen. Cafundéu attacked with Ganz Ijak, who invaded the area and shot, but missed the goal.

The Archregimancy showed all the ability of its players, who made good passes and controlled the game. Cafundéu tried to get some ball possession, but the opponents were in an inspired day. In a fast attack, Fr. Marcus was near to score, receiving the ball from Br. Zecão and heading to the goal, but the ball went wide. Braddock was desperated.

With less than ten minutes remaining for the end of the game, the visitors killed the game. With an intelligent set piece, Fr. Marcus sent the ball to the area. Vandick headed to the left wing, but Fr. Pancratius came and shoot the ball, scoring the goal. Vargas didn’t move, the only thing that he did was to look to the ball entering in the goal. Read Breno Gavião:

“Marcus takes the frrrrree kick. The ball goes to the arrrrrea, Vandicks heads it to Kirs... no, Pancrrrrratius comes first and shoots... and it’s a goal! Goal for The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy! Pancrrrrratius! The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy four, Cafundéu one!”

And, in an incredible counterattack, Cafundéu created the chance that resulted in the second goal of the team. Renário received the ball and shot, but the goalkeeper sent the ball for a corner. Kliek took the corner kick and Becão jumped more than the opponents, heading and scoring the goal. Read Breno Gavião:

“Corrrrrner kick. Kliek will take it. He sends the ball to the area, the monks didn’t hit it, Becão jumps... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Look again in the replay! Becão, number four! Cafundéu two, The Arrrrrchrrrrregimancy four!

The game was slower after six goals, and the supporters started to leave the stadium. After some minutes, the referee ended the game and Cafundéu’s players only lamented the negative result. The only thing that they could do now was to concentrate to the next game.

Vandick talked to the press: “Another negative result at home. It was against a strong team, but we were expecting to have a good performance and we played worse than in the first game in their country.” Heren Ijak talked too: “You’ll now say many things about us, how bad we played, but we’ll try to forget this and try to win the next game.”

The coach also talked with the press: “Be free to say bad things about me, I know that you will. But this is not the end and I will continue working for my team!” The director of NTs, Mr. Jowenguard, talked about Braddock’s job: “He will continue with us, at least until the end of the qualifying stage of the World Cup. After that, his future is uncertain.”

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Fr. Pancratius thanks God for his goal

CAFUNDÉU 2x4 THE ARCHREGIMANCY

Place: Praça Maior, in Cafundó do Juta.
Attendance: 150,000 people (full and expanded).
Referee: Joshua Garnet (Swilatia).
MOTM: Heitor (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Vargas, Vandick (Metir 85’), Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma (Renário 60’) and Kliek; Heitor (Heren Ijak 79’) and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_archregimancy.png THE ARCHREGIMANCY: Fr. Justinian, Fr. Pancratius, Fr. Nicholas Unm., Fr. Constantine and Fr. Nicholas R.M. (Br. Alphonsus 88’); Br. Iosephus, Br. John (Br. Zecão 50’), Br. Barsanuphius and Br. Petroniu (Fr. Marcus 45’); Br. Innocent and Fr. Silouan.
Coach: Fr. David the Water Drinker.

Goals:CAF: Kliek 18’ , Becão 78’.
ARC: Fr. Silouan 25’/32’ , Br. Innocent 44’ , Fr. Pancratius 76’.

BE CALM TELEVISION: COMMENTS ABOUT THE LAST TWO GAMES
Commentated by Doctor Santiago Sampaio
With comments of Doctor Verônica Branus
- with in-game comments of Doctor Haroldo Sassarel -

DR. SAMPAIO: “Here is the Be Calm Television Sport Program! Today we’ll talk about the games against Liverpool England and Tessan. Not good news, as we lost both games and now will have to work hard to return to the playoff zone. But let’s talk about the past now!”

DR. BRANUS: “Well, we had two difficult games against Liverpool England and Tessan, and we couldn’t avoid the losses. Of course it’s sad to lose at home against Tessan, and the Liverpool England game was already a very difficult one to win, so the result was predictable.”

DR. SAMPAIO: “Due to lack of time in our program, let’s go directly to the stats of both games:”

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Liverpool England after scoring the goal

LIVERPOOL ENGLAND 1x0 ESTRESSE INTENSO

Place: unknown place, in Liverpool England.
Attendance: unknown.
Referee: Fr. Karl the Extremely Loyal (The Archregimancy).
MOTM: Midfielder (L.E.).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/liverpool_england.png LIVERPOOL ENGLAND: no team released.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png ESTRESSE INTENSO: Prunella, Pindaré, Godói, Manga and Flores; Sardinha (Eriksson 50’), Dumitrache, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo (Ponte Pênsil 85’); Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.

Goals:LEN: A midfielder 82’.

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Doctor Rogério Landau wasn’t satisfied with the result

ESTRESSE INTENSO 1x2 TESSAN

Place: Sector-Delta Sporting Field, in Insanis.
Attendance: 67,978,030 people (more than half of Landau Institute patients) – using a special room.
Referee: Franco Larck (Jeruselem).
MOTM: Miller Wallace of Chamberville (Tessan).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png ESTRESSE INTENSO: Prunella, Godói, Marinho and Súrbinov (Monteiro 69’); Sardinha, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo (César Nobre 80’); Mendes, Ponte Pênsil (Lacerda 55’) and Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/tessan.png TESSAN: BK #10, BK #8, BK #9 and BK #6; BK #7, BK #13, BK #1 and BK #2 (BK #16 56’); BK #4, BK #5 and Miller Wallace of Chamberville (BK #3 88’).
Coach: Sir James Kenmore.

Goals:EIT: César Nobre 86’.
TES: Miller Wallace of Chamberville 38’/54’.

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EIT – next game’s formation: Prunella, Pindaré, Godói, Manga and Flores; Sardinha, Dumitrache, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo; Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.
Style of +1

Match’s Referee: Van-Der-Lei (Cafundéu).

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Goalscorers after 15 games:

11- C. Gabalán
4- V. Dos Alpes
3- Bogdan
2- F. Ponte Pênsil
1- A. Dumitrache and César Nobre

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

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A GOOD VICTORY TO KEEP THE TEAM IN THE THIRD POSITION

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Carandirú City stopped to see this game

After another loss at home, the stadium was not filled in the prison city for the game against Dance 2 Revolution. Nearly half of Cafundéu’s supporters were criminals that were living in the Carandirú prison, and they helped the team a lot, commemorating every good play. Of course they helped too throwing bottles to the stadium, but none of them hit the masked opponents.

The home team was able to defeat the masked players without much difficulty, although the team suffered a goal in the middle of the second half which turned the things a bit complicated at that time. But Ganz Ijak, the star of the team, showed why he is considered a “craque”, scoring three goals in important moments of the game.

THE GAME

The first goal, for Cafundéu, happened in the third minute of the game. Priotto made a long pass to Ganz Ijak, who dribbled the masked defender and scored the goal. After the first goal, the home team controlled the game, with good dribbles and passes, but the defense was surprised by a good counterattack of Dance 2 Revolution, which ended in a goal of ???.

Cafundéu took some minutes to score again. After the thirtieth minute, Agrião crossed the ball to the area and Ganz Ijak volleyed it, scoring the second goal of Cafundéu in the game. Two minutes later, Heitor received the ball from Manuel Padaria, dribbled two opponents, the goalkeeper and entered in the goal with the ball. Read Breno Gavião’s comments after the first half:

“Good first half by Cafundéu, scorrrrring thrrrrrree goals against Dance two Revolution. The team perrrrrformed well and scorrrrred with two goals of Ganz Ijak and one goal of Heitor. Uaaaaahhhhrrrr! Continue with us to see the second half of this grrrrreat game in the prrrrrison city. The best World Cup coverrrrrage in Cafundéu.”

Cafundéu started the second half willing to score more, but the visitors could stop well many attacks of the monopolists. The team reached many times to the attack with danger, but Dance 2 Revolution had some good chances too. In the half of the second half, Braddock put Falcus in the team, a creative player who could help the team to score.

And he did. After a very good pass made by Falcus, Ganz Ijak shot from outside the area and scored the last goal of the game. The referee ended the game and Cafundéu’s players could commemorate the good victory, which will keep the team in the first places of Group 2. Read Breno Gavião’s comments after the game, which ended 4x1:

“Game ended. Cafundéu four, Dance two Revolution one! Excellent game for our team herrrrre in this beautiful city. Well, not too beautiful as it is a prison. But, anyway, a good game! Thanks for seeing us!”

The goal-maker Ganz Ijak talked with the media about his good performance: “Scoring three goals is very good, and helped us to get this good result. I think that we are able to finish this qualification phase in the third position and go to the World Cup again, I’m hoping for that! It’ll be very good for me, as I don’t know if I’ll be in the next World Cup.”

Falcus said: “This city is good to play. The supporters are really nice and don’t complain very much.” The coach Franz Braddock said: “I’ve been following Northern Bettia’s games, and I think that we can finish in the third position. We’ll need to improve a bit too, but we’ll need luck too. I’ll find a way to stop their cheating.”

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Heitor commemorates his goal in the game

CAFUNDÉU 4x1 DANCE 2 REVOLUTION

Place: Presídio, in Carandirú City.
Attendance: 73,890 people.
Referee: Andrew Kleftnaprefn (Sel Appa).
MOTM: Ganz Ijak (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Agrião; Manuel Padaria, Priotto (Falcus 72’) and Kliek; Heitor, Renário (Wantuirso 45’) and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/dance_2_revolution.png DANCE 2 REVOLUTION: ???, ???, ???, ??? and ???; ???, ???, ??? and ???; ??? and ???.
Coach: ???.

Goals:CAF: Ganz Ijak 3’/33’/78’ , Heitor 35’.
D2R: ??? 21’.

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Cafundéu – formation for game against Tanah Burung: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma and Kirs; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +2

Match’s Referee: Andrade Kleford (Magnus Valerius).

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Goalscorers after 15 games:

13- G. Ijak
7- Heitor
4- Renário and Anormal
3- R. Kliek
2- H. Ijak and Becão
1- J. Kimball, J. Priotto, R. Kirs

Turtles Win first of "Final Four"

The Turtles won over Swilatia 2-1 at home in the first match of what coach Charles DuPont has coined the "Final Four". These last four teams have been widely viewed as more or less easy wins by virtually every sports writer and commentator in Sel Appa. Coach DuPont has said that even though the matches, the team "still needs to play at full potential to ensure they score on as many opportunities as they can" and increase the goal difference, if needed. The final home qualifying match recently sold out to thousands of pepped fans and some visiting Kingsforders. A few hundred tickets are available at various inflated amounts on online auction sites.

Despite the high hopes and confidence, several figures are warning the team and fans not to get cocky or overreactive. Notably, team captain Estevez went on television, warning fans (and the team) about getting too cocky: "We're real close this time, but we were last Cup also and we still lost." Even with all wins projected, Nebuleux is appearing to be a threat. They are third in group, with an 8-2-4 record. However, they are short on goals and appear to have won wany watches on lucky goals. The previous meet in these qualifiers resulted in a 2-3 loss for the Turtles at home. The team is hoping to do much better this time. The final match is at Philodox Weltschmerz, a newcomer to International Football that Sel Appa should easily beat. PW is in last place in group with a 1-5-9 record, their only win being against Rejistania on Matchday 1. An absolutely surprising 3-1 win for them.

The Turtles are currently fourth in group behind Rejistania (qualified), Errinundera, and Nebuleux. Boasting a 8-2-5 record with 41 goals for and 33 against, Sel Appa has left rival Qutar 8 points in the dust.

By Order of His Imperial Majesty the Basileus of the Holy Empire, the following is to be printed in all Imperial media outlets.

AN APOLOGY

From: World Cup Hall of Fame Broadcasters Basil and Theo
To: Just About Everyone


Hello. We're the very famous World Cup Hall of Fame broadcasters Basil and Theo. Not that we're suggesting we're better than you due to the mere fact that we're famous and you're not - we're simply noting how amazingly famous we are compared to you, you insignificant little peons.

Two days ago, on our almost as famous 'World Cup Show' on Imperial television, we engaged in certain behaviour with the not nearly as famous as we are masseuse Madame Spankly, live and on air, that has caused something of a minor uproar. Never mind what the precise nature of that behaviour was - if you didn't see it at the time, then there's no point in making things worse, is there? While we were very careful to turn our microphones off (well, Theo was careful to turn his off - Basil took a little longer) it seems that images of what we continue to insist was merely playful interplay between consenting adults, but which others have characterised as 'evil perversion', were nonetheless broadcast across the Holy Empire.

Others have pointed out that they don't care what we did with Madame Spankly - they were merely disappointed by our ongoing failure to talk about football, which, it has been said, is what we're actually on air to do. Because our show has been temporarily removed from the air, we have been further unable to comment on the Holy Empire's dramatic 3-2 victory over Demot, or the squad's rather pathetic 2-2 draw against Cookesland.

This is entirely our fault, and has resulted from behaviour that might indeed be characterised as 'soft and lazy'. And possibly pornographic, too.

So, if anyone was offended by our little escapade with Madame Spankly, or our failure to do much talking about football, then we're sorry. Really sorry. Grovellingly boot-lickingly sorry. Honest we are. Promise. We won't do it again. And, for the record, we categorically deny anything to do with the incident involving two nuns, a donkey, and a plate of spaghetti.

Signed,

Basil and Theo

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MONKS CONTINUE TO SHARE LENTEN SPIRIT
Aim To Become First Team With Unbeaten Record to Fail to Qualify

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Following a deeply impressive 4-2 away victory to Cafundeu - a result almost as impressive as the 3-0 home thrashing of Ariddia - the Archregimancy continued to display the importance of the spirit of Lenten humility by somehow contriving to draw 1-1 with lowly Tanah Burung.

"It's important that the team not look like they're trying to qualify" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity. "If God so wills it that they do reach the finals, then so be it, but in the meantime we can't look like we're trying too hard, and it would be positively unChristian to thrash the lower-ranked teams - 'The last shall be first', and the 'meek shall inherit the earth', and all that. Of course, thrashing Ariddia and Cafundeu is perfectly alright, a duty even, for if the last are going to be first, then the first are going to be last."

Other sources close to the team have rejected this possibly slightly forced homily, noting that the current squad are experimenting with the idea of whether it is possible to fail to qualify for the World Cup with an unbeaten record, and stressing that this would induce possibly the strongest case of soul-strengthening suffering ever seen in the Archregimancy. In a sporting context, at least. How else to explain last night's events, when despite having 65 shots on goal to their opponent's 1, the Archregimancy were held to a 1-1 draw by Tanah Burung. That the sole Tanah Burung shot was a goal kick by the opposing goalkeeper in the 92nd minute, that the entire home side were on their knees praying at the time, and that 64 of the 65 home shots on goal were closer to the corner flag perhaps furthers suspicions of the Archregimancy's motives this qualifying season.

A Meeting of the Council of Ancients: World Cup Subcommission

Dr. Nikephorus (chairman): Fellow Ancients, I presume you all saw or in some way heard about our loss to Squornshelous? (At various nods and shakes and mutterings, he continues:) I'll just summarize it for you all. It was 1-0, playing away. That is somewhat better than our 2-4 at home. However, it was still three points for Squornshelous, and zero points for us. We have three matches left, with three points and significant goal difference between us and the auto-qualifying #3 spot. Fortunately, one of our games will be against Ropa-Topia, which currently occupies that spot, and if my notes are correct (he consults his notes) we will be hosting them at home. We are quite obviously a newish sort of team, full of inexperience and all that, but Master Wenzel is hoping for at least five points out of these next three matches.

Now to the details of the match. To the credit of our lads we held Squornshelous scoreless for the first 79 minutes. Duke was back in goal, and he certainly played the hero. You all know Squornshelous, world class team and all that, one of the best on the planet, and those attacks were coming thick and fast. No sooner had we cleared the ball than it was coming back again. So Duke was saving shot after shot. Our main trouble was not with our defense, which admirably helped Duncan Duke, nor with our midfield, which was a powerhouse of sorts as usual. But Master Wenzel made a rather disastrous decision to play Connor MacNaughton with Radek Vyborny for our striker section, giving Lee Bush a rest. You all know how the guy is such a fussy prat and will never give a good performance unless you give him a very good reason to. So we essentially got no shots at Squornshelous's goal - not that it would have mattered anyway - their goalkeeper is top class, when he stays in his box. So, 1-0. Well. Can't be helped now.

(the meeting progresses to talk of various other matters. We leave now.)

Elven Times
Heart

A simple word that can have a multitude of meanings. You speak of warriors having a great amount of heart when they stand up for the helpless, a person has heart if they continue on a mission despite perrilous obsticales in their way, but what does it mean for a sporting squad to have heart? Is there a way you can measure this intaginable word that is soo often associated with successful clubs? Or are we merely trying to describe the extreme amount of effort that a group of individuals come together, put aside their differences, and compete together as a whole to achieve a stature of greatness that we are all left in complete awe of it? Whatever this word might be, this Marauder squad is proving that they have a ton of it, overcoming an abissmal start to this qualifying campaign, and are now nearly assured of making their first trip to the Finals for the first time since joining the competition twenty years ago.

Going into this match, the odds were against the Marauders, as they had to travel to Jeruselem, who were undefeated up to this point, while Kelssek was hosting a Bostopia side that was on the downfall. All signs pointed to Kelssek being in sole possession of third place after the days matches. However, fools we all were to be, as the Marauders shook the ground and trampled away with a three to one victory over a mix of starters and reserved while Bostopia usurped the Kelssek crown of overachiever and stunned them two to one, leaving the Marauders sitting pretty in third place with three matches to go. The Marauders recent thrashing over Northern Caearea makes good now, as their goal differential advantage should now be large enough if they fall in Bettia and Kelssek wins out, espicially considering bottom dwellers Lovisa and Collonie remain on the Marauders schedule.

Role players were the key to the Marauders victory, as Constant, Cuellar, and Stone were all benificiaries of hard work and detirmination, netting some spectacular goals that are sure to boost their morale going into the home strech. Revtron is soo pleased with the performance put on by the squad, that he decided to give the squad the entire week off of training. Many of the squad have already said that they will hold some makeshift sessions at the Night compound in Raynor City, just to keep complancency from setting in. The heart of this team is beating loud and strong right, and it will continue to go on as long as their is a drop of will left in the squad.

Elves Security Forces 3
Justinian Constant (14)
Rick Cuellar (44)
Marsha Stone (79)

Jeruselem 1
Natasha Greski (65)

Article by Luna Santapa

Demot Daily ~ How Big Do You Get?

This one was monumential, absolutely huge, and it was not even a win. Indeed, all those mass hysteria and celebrations are coming on the heels of a draw, not a victory, but in the eyes of the faithful, it was as good as a win considering the remaining schedules of the Dynamo and Lowland Clans. While the Dynamo have three of the bottom five left in their schedule, the Clansmen still have to go up against the rising Holy Empire and the stoic Fort Europeans, who will be trying their best to get a play in squad. Odds pin that Demot gets all nine points out of the match ups while the Clansmen only get an unacceptable seven, letting the Dynamo leapfrog them back into third, and straight on into the Proper. However, this would all be for not if it was not for something stranger than fiction transpiring in the Skyhaven Citadel last night. Through some unknown force or magic, the squad was enlarged to twelve foot giants before the kick off. This is an erie coincedence as the Dynamo had been shrunken to three foot midgets when they had traveled to Schiavonia earlier in the campaign. Whatever the cause of the alterations, the Dynamo are now back at normal size, and ready for to finish off this long journey.

Samantha Black and David Masteron proved that expierence is a key compenent when trying to build a successful campaign. Masteron trully dominated the midfield for the Dynamo, stimining his oppenents with his amazing footwork and tactful marking. His efforts were rewarded in forty-sixth minute, when he fired a shot, that was like an artillary deployment given the extra size, that found the back of the net, and nearly ripped right through it. Black on the other hand made several smart and encouaging runs into the box, and had some great shots that just couldn't find their way past the keeper. However, on a inswinger corner in the thirty-second minute, sent in by Masteron, the veteran lass was able to use the extra size to her advantage, and directed the ball deftly in above all others.

Most would think that the extra height would of allowed the Dynamo to walk right over their oppents, but few realize how difficult it would be for a person of such height to control the ball with ease. This problem, coupled with the small size of Shiela Blige on the oppisition lead an attack that handcuffed the oversized Orien early in the game. He had seemed to find a groove to the play, and was getting used to the new features, but a hard shot shortly after the break had to be pushed out instead of craddled, and that is when Colin Chester pounced and equalised for the visitors. No advantage was to be had between the two afterwards, as a stalemate in the midfield ensued, and the Schiavonia side had to fly back home with but the single point. For now the table has the Dynamo fourth, but the schedule points to nothing worse than a play off, if not indeed the third spot in the gruop. So stand tall Dynamo faithful, a trip to regiomates Quakmybush or Az-cz is in the future.

Article by Jasmine Olyvander

“The Riskbreakers are going to the World Cup finals!”

As Mikaela says this, a throng of Assegai supporters behind her let out a roar.

“Good evening, to you, wherever you may be, this is Mikaela Eyre reporting live from a pub in Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, where Assegai players and supporters have congregated after tonight’s 2-2 draw with the home team, which was just enough for the Assegai Developments to qualify for the NationStates World Cup XXXIII in only their third attempt at the Proper.”

The group behind her begins chanting loudly…

“DRINK, DRINK, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE! WE ARE THE DRUNK AND DISORDERLY AND WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT AND WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK! WE’RE FINALLY GOING TO THE WORLD CUP!”

Mikaela blushes.

“We might get in trouble with the FCC on that one, but, oh… who cares?”

The crowd roars its approval.

“Before we speak to a couple of players, let’s just go over the goals quickly,” she says. “The Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights got things cooking early on, with a goal by forward Καίτη Εϊτζιρίδης in the 7th minute, when he managed to dribble past Assegai defender Francis Rowe in a spectacular one-on-one and beat keeper Edward van de Beauchamp with a chip. JSY made it 2-0 in the 33rd minute when 문황동 headed in a corner kick taken by Brian Grabmann.

“It didn’t seem the Riskbreakers were playing with much urgency, and soon Assegai Assistant Coach Joel Monroy, who was in charge of the team for this encounter, could be heard screaming his head off at his players to fight back.

“Assegai began playing with more intensity as the first half began to wind down, and finally forward Sidney Losstarot beat the defensive wall off a neat pass from forward Samantha Neesa and beat JSY keeper Leon Petersdorf low and away.

“The momentum shifted even further as the second half got under way, and Assegai forwards peppered Petersdorf’s goal with numerous shots. Losstarot faked a pass to forward Stephen de Cobham and instead juked out his defender and blasted a shot that Petersdorf couldn’t reach as it slammed into the far post corner.

“There were times it seemed Assegai could have come away with the victory, but they were held back by desperate defensive maneuvers and timely goalkeeping from JSY.

“In the end, players realized they had finally advanced to the Proper and they all crowded the field and celebrated with hugs and screams of accomplishment.”

As she finishes, Assegai midfielder and team captain Ashley Riot and Sidney join her. The crowd immediately erupts into a song.

“LOSSTAROT! LOSSTAROT! HE GETS THE BALL AND SCORES A LOT! WE’LL DRINK A DRINK TO RIOT THE KING, THE KING, THE KING! HE’S THE LEADER OF OUR FOOTBALL TEAM. HE’S THE GREATEST MIDFIELDER ASSEGAI HAS EVER SEEN!”

Both players turn and bow to the fans before turning back to Mikaela.

“Wow, even though it was a 2-2 draw, the way you guys came back and then qualifying…it was almost like a win, wouldn’t you say?” she asks Ashley.

“Well, if it wasn’t for a few great clearances and tight goalkeeping, we could have definitely won this game,” Ashley says. “We were able to overwhelm them in the second half, and it’s a pity that we couldn’t produce more goals. Still…you know what? We’re going to the Proper!”

The crowd roars loudly.

“We’ve been through the lowest lows in NationStates football, and look at us now…not only did we beat the No. 1-ranked team, we’re heading to the Proper!” Sidney yells. “I must apologize to the fans, on behalf of my teammates, though. We really let that last loss to Qazox get to us and it showed in our attitudes this last week. However, we never lost our desire for winning and it showed in our comeback.”

“Well, congratulations, fellas,” Mikaela says. She suddenly lets out a yelp as both players and herself are doused with a tank of beer. “Oh my god! This is insane! I can’t believe it…Assegai is going to the World Cup finals!”

She turns to the crowd.

“Now, look at what you rascals did,” she says coyly. “Now I have to get out of these wet clothes!”

The place explodes with cheers and roars of approval.

The camera keeps playing as Mikaela, the red-haired, green-eyed beauty slips out of her blazer. She then removes her skirt to roars, revealing an Assegai Developments thong. And, finally, she takes off her blouse, revealing a lacy Assegai Developments bra.

The fans go bananas as she places her hands on her hips and dips a bit as she sways her hips seductively. The crowd gives her a huge ovation and she turns back to the camera.

“Reporting live from the Jasī’yūn of Commerce Heights, this is Mikaela Eyre, dripping in beer, nearly naked and loving it! Assegai is going to the Proper!”

Match Summary

(67) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/commerce_heights_jsy.png Commerce Heights JSY 2
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 2

[JSY]
Καίτη Εϊτζιρίδης (7’)
문황동 (33’)

[AD]
Sidney Losstarot (43’, 68’)

The Crimson Blade

Finish Strong

Now that Assegai Developments has earned their spot in the NationStates World Cup XXXIII, the team can begin to focus on what lies ahead. However, before they can fully devote all their energies toward that, there are three more group games to be played—the first being a tough rematch against No. 26 Vilita.

Although the Riskbreakers came away with a 2-0 shutout at Vilita in the ninth week of qualifying, Assistant Coach Joel Monroy (who is still in control of the team as ordained by Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga) stressed that the team has to finish strong, in order to use that momentum as a springboard for the upcoming World Cup finals, and to show the rest of NationStates that qualifying to the Proper as the No. 57-ranked team was no fluke.

For the tough match at home against Vilita, Monroy is calling upon his big guns.

Goaltender
#42 Akihiko Yoshida – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#70 Barnard Mallowburne – (S.C. Vagrant Hills)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#5 Severus Snape – (F.C. Capri, Elves Security Forces)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#20 Samantha Neesa – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

As you can see, Assegai is holding nothing back.

Moreover, Monroy stated that since the team had earned their trip to the World Cup finals on the road, he felt it would be fitting for the fans to let the team’s starting eleven take the field and be showered with affection from their supporters.

Upcoming Match

(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

VS
(26) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/vilita.png Vilita

@ Cathedral Park, Leá Monde, Assegai
Capacity: 75,000

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

Adam Collick stood outside the window looking into the creché at the Bostopia Stadium, watching his team of 5 year olds - though one was 5, nearly six - playing.

[Marne] Boss, you'll be up against the Child Protection jobbies if you keep staring like that.

[Collick] Well I'm not staring for the benifit of my health...more like their health.

[Marne] What?

[Collick] Look at them. The squad seems drowsy, and it's not even nap time for a good 3 hours yet. I sense foul play.

[Marne] You mean?

[Collick] Yes. Somebody's spiked their squash.

As they stood and pondered, the TV, which was largely being ignored, began being interesting.

[Firth] Hello, I'm Kelly Firth, and I'm outside the Bostopia Stadium, home of the Bostopian National Squad. Unconfirmed reports are coming in that Adam Collick and Dan Marne, the manager and assistant manager of Bostopia threw the game against ESF. These pictures clearly show the players looking extremely tired, and a tip-off from inside the team said that the players had been denied nap-time for some weeks now.

Whether this was a factor in the defeat against Collonie was another matter, but the team seemed to have recovered slightly for the victory in Kelssek. We'll bring you more on the story when we get it. Greg?

Adam turned the tv off.

[Collick] Damn! And now someone's framing us!

[Marne] Who could it be?

[Collick] YOU!

[Marne] Me?!?

[Collick] YES! The perputrator always says "who could it be?"! Dan, I thought you were my friend!

Dan sighed.

[Marne] Adam. Look. I wouldn't spike their squash, I'd lose my job, and my career. And so would you.

Adam knew Dan was correct.

[Collick] Right. Let's go check the CCTV, and I want lists of everyone who's had access to their squash since the Lovisa game. Maybe this has something to do with that robbery as well...

From: Rodney Lowe
To: World Cup 33 Organising committee
Subject: Choice of Host Nation

Dear whoever might find themselves reading this,

We are pleased to hear that, due to our rather fantastic record in qualifying so far, we are to be given a choice of which host nation we will be visiting for World Cup 33.

Now, when we heard this, we thought we might have been getting home advantage, which would have been helpful considering our record in recent cups. But, alas, it appears that because Schiavonia was host nation for World Cup 30, not 33, that this is not the case.

We therefore have made a list of things that we consider most important to making the Schiavone team feel at home during their visit to whichever nation we will go to. We would like to consider what Az-cz and Quakmybush are like before we travel there.

1) What are the climates like? We have a tropical climate here in Schiavonia, and so we would prefer to travel to whichever of your nations is warmer. (We're quessing that's probably Az-cz.)

2) How friendly are the people? We're a jolly nice bunch over here, and we wouldn't want to go somewhere that trouble is likely. No calling each other names or anything like that.

3) How widespread is car use? We can't have too much pollution clogging up our lungs!

4) Is fried penguin popular? If not, is it OK if we bring a few portable fried penguin stands to games?

5) Do you know how to throw a good party?

That's probably enough basic criteria to consider. If you could get back to us so we at the SFF can make our decision.

Thanks,

Rodney Lowe
Chief of the Schiavone Football Federation

A royal herald comes forth wearing black as the royal standards are slowly lowered to half mast. As the people gather around the herald begins to speak

"Let it be known that on this day that His Most Kind, Benevolent, Gentle, Caring, Majestic and Wonderfully Beloved Majesty King John IV has passed away to move into another kingdom which awaits him. As a tribute to his many years of gentle rule his Black Knights shall wear black in mourning as they continue on their quest to triumph over the world and Princess Donna shall remove the mask of Black Knight #3 so her father may more easily follow her on the field of play from his heavenly seat.

"Now as it has been ordained by his oft spoken decree. All hail King John V, ruler of Tessan!"

The former Crown Prince now King steps to the balcony and addresses his subjects.

"My people, my father was an old man at the time of his passing but spent these years seeking the best for his kingdom and his people. While some have spoken of his great temper, say rather it was his love for the kingdom which sometimes drove him to extremes. Still he will be missed for few monarchs can claim nearly 40 years of rule and generations have known but his royal hand upon the scepter of the kingdom.

"I am not my father and few could fill the shoes of such a man. However it is my goal, like his to continue to better our proud nation of Tessan. I shall look beyond our borders if need be for the tools to keep our country strong but know that though the king is dead, your new king shall still watch over you my people.

"But for now mourn my father as you will. He knows how his people thought of him and no doubt wishes you all the best from his chair in the heavens. When the details of his funeral arranegments are completed my heralds shall spread the word throughout the lands that all who wish to say their final goodbyes may do so. Until then let me say the royal family appreciates your sympathies in this time of sorrow and that we know the best tribute we can make is to continue Tessan along the path my father set for us. Thank you."

The new king returns inside where Prince Jeffery awaits.

"Nice touch brother, think it will work?"

"Well Jeffery, don't forget, father never actually butchered anyone outside the castle walls so the common folk probably have no idea how much contempt he held them in. But did you find that doctor?"

"Yes he's in the dungeons now brother, or i guess i should be saying 'Your Majesty' now."

"Good, if that quack hadn't thrown away that doctor's medicines fearing poison or alchemy father might still be alive. Have the torturer make sure he suffers before he dies. After all killing a king is punishable by death and he killed him as surely as he drove a knife into his heart. Better yet, after he's injured be sure that he is leeched. I mean we wouldn;t want that fine doctor to suffer any so using his own fine medical techniques would show our concern for him wouldn't it?"

"Yes it would bro...Majesty."

"That's my first step Jeffery, we need real doctors and real medicines here. How many people die from poorly treated wounds on the battlefield. We both saw how injuries that would cost a limb here are cured with little fuss elsewhere. We're a backwater and that has to change."

"Of course Majesty." Jeffery replied bowing. "But i have an appointment with a doctor if you don't mind."

From the desk of Noz-Tf

Mr. Lowe,

Congratulations again on a fine performance. Pity about the Demotians turning into Bigtopians and spoiling your perfect record, but you are still looking very strong this cup. Considering the results last time we placed, we ask you head to Quakmybush. But seriously we would be honored with your presence here in Az-cz. We have fond memory of your matches in those world cup 31 qualifiers, and would enjoy seeing you here. But of course Quakmybush is a fine nation as well.

As to your questions:

1. Az-cz is definitely the warmer nation. We are a fairly sea based society with lots of warm weather for enjoying water sports, as could be seen in our dominant surfers. We rarely see snow and the weather is quite warm, although not particularly hot. It's rather dry with temperatures in the 80s (farenheit) most of the year. Quakmybush is known as the "Frozen North" for a reason. However your players might enjoy an atmosphere different from their own.

2. I'd say we're a very friendly bunch of people. We have very little arguments, crime or fighting. Almost everyone gets along well with each other. I think the near omnipresent public nudity helps everyone feel equal.

3. Car use is not that widespread. We believe very strongly in protecting our environment, and discourage the use of individual vehicles as much as possible. We're very proud of the beauty of our nation.

4. No fried penguin is quite unpopular. We are a fairly vegetarian society. Mammals and birds are almost entirely unconsumed. I'm afraid we won't be allowing any fried penguin stands to be set up here. However you'll find there is quite a large range of choices of delicious food available.

5. While not the party animals that some of our neighbors in Atlantian Oceania are, like Casari, we can definitely throw a good party. However some of our cultural events are outstanding. And the friendly stealing can certainly liven up the atmosphere.

If you have any more questions please feel free to ask. We are looking forward to your response.

Noz-Tf
President Az-cz Football Federation

MD 16 RP Cutoff

Wentland FA
Minutes of meeting 11.49

Present: The Chairman, The Financial Officer, The Shade of Menteith, Lord Autumnbottom, Earl Marjoribanks, Sir Jet-propelled Sofa, Lieutenant Pigeon, Mr E Jeffries, Mr M Innem, Mr N Hacker, Miss Widmore (secretary).

The Chairman decided that the last minutes and the apologies were the same thing and IT WAS RESOLVED that he would not touch a drop, except for medicinal purposes, in the near future. The Shade declared that the medicinal purposes went without saying. There were nods all around.

The Financial Officer reported that there was a profit of a two guineas from the previous activities. This meant that total funds now stood at eighty-seven guineas, which was insufficient to take the Committee to the World Cup finals, but the FO averred that a grant for qualification would ensure the Committee obtain transport at a most competitive price.

MI said that the cubic zirconium trophy had been completed and they were in search of a competition. NH proposed it be awarded to the most successful manager in Wentland international football history. His Grace asked who that was. NH stared at him in apparent disbelief. NH commented that, with two games remaining, Wentland had conceded fewer goals than anyone else in the world and that that achievement deserved a trophy. EJ asked against whom the remaining matches were. NH conceded that they were against Spruitland - the third seeds - and Casari - the top seeds - both away from home. EJ stated that it was extremely unlilkely that fewer than four goals would be conceded and therefore Wentland would have to rely on Schiavonia conceding heavily. However Schiavonia appeared to have an easy run-in against the Pimford Irregulars Under-12 Girls' Team or some such equivalent and therefore it was pretty likely Wentland would not keep this crown. However IT WAS RESOLVED nem con that the trophy be awarded to NH if Wentland did indeed concede fewer goals than anyone else.

The Chairman asked for the World Cup report. NH said Wentland won again and he was getting a bit bored. He thought he might field all the reserves in the next couple of matches but the prospect of winning a genuine 24 carat cubic zirconium on a purest perspex base was irresistable. NH said that he expected first class travel for his first class team as they proceeded to their second consecutive finals and the Committee was once more stunned into silence. The meeting was therefore de facto closed.

The New Cleethorpes Enquirer
Longhorn double marks surprise result

Suffering a goal drought and a series of tepid performances, striker Roger Longhorn burst from his shell to score twice as Quintessence of Dust achieved an astonishing draw against runaway group leaders Qazox. The runaway group leaders had amassed an eleven game winning streak, including their steamrollering of the Quodites in the first half of qualification, but had to fight to twice bring the scores back.

Playing again without their captain, and missing Charles Williams and Guilermo Azzinio to suspension, there was fear that Quintessence of Dust would succumb to defensive frailties. As it was, David Yellowback, Micky Marberger and replacement Bob Pullman put in fine performances, with Dino Achten tireless in front of them. The only major slip came late on as they lapsed to tiredness, allowing Qazox substitute Sonja Clay to head in an equaliser in the 85th minute.

Quintessence of Dust went into the second half leading, with Longhorn having netted on 23 minutes, skilfully clipping a cross from Alfred Cynus back across the goal. The game was evenly poised, with a few chances at either end, but predominantly concentrated in the midfield, where Peter Rogers put in a sweat-soaked but impressive performance, while Jessica Jensen and Frederic Renard played well on the flanks.

The Black Oxen drew level through Kyle Horton, but it was not long before Longhorn put the Quodites back in front, running onto a neat pass from Rogers and blasting it home with a little more power than precision. Up to the end, it looked as though a shock victory might be pulled off, but a series of attacks on an increasingly tiring defensive line didn't bode well, and when the equaliser came it was stung with an air of inevitability.

Talking after the game, coach Jeremy Dixon admitted a win would have been 'sensational' but that he was still pleased to take a point away, and very excited by the increased level of commitment demonstrated on the field. Roger Longhorn said he was delighted with his performance, citing a niggling injury as part of the explanation for his poor showing up till now.

After a distinguished run, Alfred Cynus will return to the bench for the coming match against Cluichstan, although it is likely he will appear as substitute. With Theo Littlefellow and Azzinio also on their way back in, Jessica Jensen will retain her place at the expence of Pullman, with yet another tactical reshuffle. Jensen is expected to start at left midfield, in front of Littlefellow, but this may change as the match progresses.

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

Only 2 games left and we still haven't lost yet?
Random Toast- 0 QAZOX-2

After today's 2-0 win over Random Toast, Qazox finds itself 5points ahead of both Assegai and Krytenia for first place in Group 4. Not only that, the Black Oxen have the 2nd best record so far in qualifing, with only Schiavonia ahead of us. If the Black Oxen can win their last two matches, and finish unbeaten, it would probably increase the chances that Qazox would get a better draw in the World Cup itself.

A for the match, Head Coach Fernando Turek rested just about everyone he could, and Lucretia Casdorph scored her first 2 goals, both coming on penalty kicks. The first occured when Spontaneous Violence was carded for pulling down Casdorph in the penalty area, leading to the 1st goal. The second occured in the 72' minute, after Dr Richard Spandit had a deliberate hand ball called as he caught a direct kick, while on the line. Casdorph became the 1st Black Oxen to score their 1st two goals via penalty.

Up next is a trip back home for Cluichstan, whom we beat on the road 5-0. At home this time.. expect the same 4-0, as the Black Oxen hopefully won't look past to the final match vs. Krytenia.

Scoring Summary:
Qazox: Lucretia Casdorph (1,2) both PK, 42', 72'
Random Toast: None
CARDS: Random Toast: Yellow: Spontaneous Violence 41', Dr Richard Spandit 71'
Qazox: None

"...when asked, the young offender attempted to explain himself with the assertion that 'that's what Brian Boitano'd do'.

"Now, moving onto sport. Today, our boys - and girl - in black took home three points from Cluichstan, as they scored four goals in a rampant display. The victory means that they have taken seven points from their last three matches, although qualification still remains an essentially dead prospect. That didn't stop the people from celebrating the win, though, including a bizarre ritualistic burning of Star Wars merchandise in central Highmark City.

"Here to talk to us about today's performance is midfielder Peter Rogers."

"Pleasure as always, Alyssa."

"Peter, I imagine you were very pleased with today's performance."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Can you talk us through the goals?"

"Sure. We did get off to a pretty good start - two up in about twenty minutes. It definitely helps having two players on each wing who can run and cross, and that's really how we got those. First, we had Jess crossing to Roger - easiest chance he'll ever have, heh. Then, Freddy played it in nicely, I saw David open, and he hit a beautiful cross - and then Den had a great finish."

"Very reassuring to have both strikers score."

"Well yeah, of course, for them: but Alf didn't score when he came on, still played better than any of us. It's been a boost having him around, no question."

"Then the third goal - what happened there?"

"They'd taken one back off us, the game had really slowed down, seemed like it'd drag out 2-1 at the close. Late on, Den and I put a move together, and got a corner. Everyone was knackered, so not a lot of movement in the box, and Freddy decided to have a go right from the corner spot. Pretty impressive curl on it, fooled all the defenders, but of course it hit the bar - and, well, shows the value of defenders who can shoot, cos David hit a sweet volley, better than any of us could have struck."

"And you must have been especially pleased to close out the evening with a goal for yourself."

"Yeah, although even I hadn't, I'd have been pleased with what I'd done. It was really a matter of a good chance suddenly coming my way - in a lot of space, with time to control the ball and pick my angle."

"What's the mood in the camp tonight?"

"Excitement, really. Obviously, the group is dead, but we're not letting that kill the mood - we wanna leave with our heads held high, I think..

"Ok, thanks for that. Peter Rogers there, talking to us from Cluichstan. Now we move onto curling news, where eight were left dead after a freak accident at the Snowborough Stadium tonight."

Random Toast FC

W 3 - 1 Krytenia
L 1 - 3 Assegai Developments
W 1 - 0 Cuation
L 1 - 6 Qazox
L 0 - 2 Quintessence of Dust
W 2 - 1 Vilita
L 0 - 3 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 2 Lethislavania
L 0 - 4 Cluichstan
L 0 - 3 Cuation
L 4 - 5 Assegai Developments
L 1 - 2 Cluichstan
L 0 - 2 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 1 Quintessence of Dust
L 0 - 2 Lethislavania
L 0 - 2 Qazox
------ Krytenia
------ Vilita

Liz Kitten: Hi, this is Liz Kitten reporting at the 33rd World Cup in Quakmybush. Random Toast have just lost their 10th successive match and are facing one of the favourites for the whole tournament, Krytenia, in their next match. Chegwin, is there any hope?

Chegwin Potato: Nope, we're doomed

Liz: Really?

Chegwin: Err, hold on, no.

Liz: So there is hope?

Chegwin: Err, yeah, we are definately gonna win our last two games.

Liz: Great. That will be cool. Bye, back to the studio for the latest on the International Squirrel Farting Contest.

Qualification scenarios for match day 17. Congratulations to the new qualifiers our good friends from Bazalonia and world cup 32 hosts Geisenfried. Errinundera is also through, because Sel Appa and Nebuleux play on match day 17.

Group 1

Elves Security Forces qualifies with a win. With a draw and a Bostopia draw qualify. With a Bostopia loss and a Kelssek loss or tie they qualify. With a draw they'd have 32 points. To clinch a playoff spot with 32 points 2 of the following would need to happen:

1. A Spruitland loss
2. A Bostopia loss or tie
3. A Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie
4. A Liverpool England loss or tie

With a loss they'd have to 31 points. To clinch a playoff spot with 31 points 6 of the following 7 would need to happen:

1. A Bostopia loss
2. A Schorteskatascansolani loss or tie
3. A Liverpool England loss or tie
4. A Kelssek loss or tie
5. A Quintessence of Dust loss or tie
6. A Zwangzug loss or tie
7. A Tessan loss or tie

With a win Bostopia would have 30 points. To clinch with 30 points all of the following would have to happen:

1. A Schorteskatascansolani loss
2. A Liverpool England loss
3. A Kelssek loss or tie
4. A Quintessence of Dust loss or tie
5. A Zwangzug loss or tie
6. A Tessan loss or tie
7. A Fort Europe loss or tie
8. A Magnus Valerius loss or tie

Group 2

Ariddia qualifies with a win or a Northern Bettia loss or tie.

The Archregimancy qualifies with a win and either a Cafundeu loss or a Northern Bettia loss or tie. With a tie they qualify with a Northern Bettia loss.

Cafundeu qualifies with a win and a Northern Bettia loss or tie.

Group 3

Alasdair I Frosticus qualifies with a win or tie or a TLC loss or tie or a Demot loss or tie.

The Lowland Clans qualifies with a win and a Demot loss. With a win or tie they clinch a playoff spot. With a loss they have 32 points. See Elves Security Forces for information about playoff spots with 32 points.

Demot clinches a qualification spot with a win. With a draw they'd have 32 points, see Elves Security Forces. With a loss they'd have 31 points. Again see Elves Security Forces.

Group 4

No qualification possibilities

Group 5

Sel Appa and Nebuleux both have 29 points. With a win they'd have 32. See Elves Security Forces. With a tie they'd have 30. See Bostopia

Group 6

Oliverry qualifies with a win and a Spruitland loss or tie. They also qualify with a draw and a Spruitland loss. With a win they clinch a playoff spot. With a draw they'd have 32 points. See Elves Security Forces for information on that. With a draw they'd have 31 points. Again see Elves Security Forces.

Spruitland can clinch a playoff spot with a win, via the 31 point procedure listed under Elves Security Forces

Group 7

No qualification possibilities.

Group 8

Starblaydia qualifies with a win or a draw or a Liverpool England loss or draw. With a loss Starblaydia guarantees a playoff spot through the procedure listed for 32 points under Elves Security Forces.

Group 9

Ropa-Topia qualifies with a win and a Turori loss. With a win they clinch a playoff spot. With a draw they have 31 points, which can be seen under Elves Security Forces. With a loss they have 30 points, which can be seen under Bostopia.

Turori has 32 points with a win. See Elves Security Forces for how they can clinch a playoff spot that way. With a draw they'd have 30 points. See Bostopia for how they can clinch a playoff spot that way.

“And now your host for the Voice of Truth here on WTRU, Mike McPhee!”

“That’s right listeners its your future president Mike McPhee, the Voice of Truth tellin’ it like it is once again. Now things may be looking bad for my campaign right now but hang in there, cause we’re in this for the long haul. Why is my campaign stalling? You all know why. Soccer. That’s right all these fair weather fans are jumping back on the soccer bandwagon all of a sudden because the team is doing less horribly than usual. If you really care about the 5-3 win over Bazalonia and hear about Connor Macdougal scoring twice with his brother and the two women Thomspon and Conroy scoring please switch to WSOC because they actually care about that. All I have to say is little brother Sean doesn’t seem to recall that as keeper he’s supposed to NOT let scoring happen.

“But who cares about that. I mean c’mon really. Just because you were all lapping up the truth I was saying about soccer before and shooting me up the polls now you all turn around and pretend you were with them all along. What happens when they get shutout in the cup proper? You all going to come back with your tails between your legs begging for forgiveness.? But hey I’m a forgiving man. I’ll be more than happy to get your votes back, after all its always the messenger that gets it even when they’re telling the truth.

“You all know its true, I already explained on my last shows how soccer was the cause of the rises in both teen pregnancies and divorce here in Tynelia. How the economy is suffering under a burden because of it and how our ferrets lack places to romp around in because of all these soccer fields. Speaking of which, great idea with the loser Hippo team mascot again. Even when its trying to embrace its loser image it screws up and actually makes the Cup this time. Man, soccer can’t even gets its own screwing up image right without screwing it up. You’d never see something like this on a real football team.

“Unfortunately most of my emails have been from closet soccer fans who only now stick their heads out of hiding like groundhogs looking for their shadows so there’s nothing worth sharing with my loyal supporters. So even though WTRU wants to cut my time down some because they want to switch over to WSOC coverage I haven’t given up the fight. You can still visit Voiceoftruth.com and email me your thoughts and comments about the show or my campaign. Our paybuddy site is still open for contributions and my campaign still needs your vinlis if we’re going to stay vital. We only brought in 5,000 vinlis since my last show Eevn the truth needs a forum to speak on so I hope you can open your pocketbooks and support the only man who’s out there speaking the truth.. Til then this is the Voice of Truth Mike McPhee tellin’ it like it is whether you like it or not.”

A royal herald comes to the balcony bearing a scroll. He unrolls it and begins to read

“Let it be known that on this day in the reign of the noble King John V that the invincible Black Knights of Tessan have defeated the Englishmen of Liverpool on the field of battle. And may it also be known that to honour her dear departed father the late King John IV, that it was our very own Princess Donna, like a Joan d’Arc only in a far more vital action, who struck the fatal blow to the English fortunes. Inspired to greatness by the spirit of the late King John IV your knights now stand at the cusp of entry within the field of champions. With two more triumphs we shall certainly continue our quest for an epic victory in this grande tourney which more than any serve to be a proper sendoff and tribute to our beloved King John IV who even now watches and protects his people as the loving father that he was.”

<crowd cheers>

The stadium was difficult to access, but the way up the mountains had been well-defined. There were even rumors of building an airplane landing strip, though given the team's track record in airports, they might be better off without it.

But although football was relatively tame, Bangkok residents had heard about the Fire Ants. General expectation was that several would make the trek, and there would be plenty of spectators ready to learn some new tactics. The expectation was correct: however, nobody had predicted that after the first minute, Yul would be just as sidelined as the fans.

After the pregame formalities, Simon Ryne lost the kickoff as Kyubo picked up where he had left off on the first matchday. Though Simon Ryne eventually got the ball and a clear shot, he was interrupted by a whistle as Kyubo and Yul were both sent glaring to their respective benches.

So Yul watched, along with various family members in the bleachers, as the game wore on. Andrew apparently did not find puns on his surname very funny, though considering the Bigtopian language the Fire Ants used, "yellow" was almost a compliment.

Almost impossibly, both sides still had ten players to shuffle off the field at the scoreless halftime. While Northern Bettia had an unsurprisingly fiery pep talk, the peons sat around (except for Lawrence, who was talking to the saxophonist in an attempt to win a bet with Ben Sanae) as BOB computed playoff possibilities, inarguable numbers contrasting with the chaotic game.

Gwrlais Devanallt got the second half started with a blast from outside the box that made it 1-0, Northern Bettia. If he hadn't been still throbbing, he wouldn't have noticed Kyubo's absence from the midfield: the Fire Ants blended together fluidly. Not surprising, really: they'd have to be prepared for any and many numbers of players. But he was increasingly frustrated that he couldn't contribute.

Somehow, it didn't seem to matter. Andrew, on edge after his warning, held down the defense, stopping multiple shots (yet seemed disgusted with himself for doing so). Though Simon Ryne got a couple opportunities, it wasn't until stoppage time that Phillip made it past defenders, seeming to knock himself off balance with his shot, yet landing firmly as he tied the score.

"So," he asked casually that night, "wut did Kyubo say?"

Yul blinked curiously. "I...don't remember."

To: Rodney Lowe
Concerning Host Nation Decision.

1) Climate eh..... well we are not the warmest place in the world, we are named the Frozen North for a reason.

2) Depends on where you end up, most people in the towns of Revena, Jinkton City, and Xed City are extremely friendly, while others cities such as Dreton are not as nice.

3) Car use is very large, especially in populated towns.

4) Again, the Frozen North for a reason, Penguin is the second most popular meat behind our national animal Chicken.

5) Quakmybush has been partying since World Cup 29, and we haven't stopped since. Partying is especially popular in Dreton, a University town.

Thanks,
Harry Hughes

THE CHRONICLES OF THE ARCHREGIMANCY

PART CLVI

The Second Victory Over Ariddia


And seeing the multitudes at Wavecrest City Stadium, coach Fr. David went up into the dressing room: and when he was set, his squad came unto him:

And he opened his mouth, and encouraged them, saying,

"Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of qualification.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted by scoring four.

Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the victory.

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with a thirst for goals.

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy from the referee.

Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for even their atheistic opponents shall call them the children of God.

Blessed are they which are persecuted by the home crowd for righteousness' sake: for theirs also is the kingdom of qualification.

Blessed are ye, when the opposing crowd shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for our Monastic Republic's sake.

Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward this day: for so persecuted they the other teams which were before you.

Ye are the light of our nation. A football ground that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

Let your light so shine before the assembled fans, that they may see your good works, and silky football skills, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

Think not that we must destroy the laws of football, as a Northern Bettia: we have not come to destroy, but to fulfil.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one pass or one tackle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments of the referee, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven.

For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case achieve victory here this day.

Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the referee, and the referee deliver thee a red card, and thou be cast unto the dressing room.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine opponent.

But I say unto you, Love your Ariddian opponent, bless them in the crowd that curse you, do good to them that tackle you, and pray for them which despitefully scythe thee down from behind when ye art one on one with the opposing 'keeper

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the Rejistanians the same?

And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the Casarans so?

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, how ye shall score, or what foul ye shall yield; nor yet for your body, what kit ye shall put on.

And why take ye thought for your kit? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

Take therefore no thought for the final whistle: for the final whistle shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the match is the evil thereof.

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; kick, and the goal shall be opened unto you:

For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that kicketh the goal shall be opened.

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise monk, which built his training ground upon a rock:

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that training ground; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his training ground upon the sand:

And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that training ground; and it fell: and great was the fall of it."

And it came to pass, when Coach Fr. David had ended these sayings, the squad were astonished at his doctrine:

For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.

Thus fortified, they went out on to the pitch, and gained a famous victory against the Ariddians, with Br. Innocent of Ariddia scoring his second hattrick of the campaign against his native land, all in the first half.

And though Ariddia fought back hard, bringing the score to 3-2 in the second half through goals from Charisteas (who later begged forgiveness for his goal) and Lescrit, they were at last cast down.

For in the 88th minute Xavier Xu made a catastrophic error which will live long in the memory of all present.

The home keeper miskicked a routine goal kick so badly that it bounced off the back of Eo La, and trickled gently across his own goal line.

And Xavier Xu was sore ashamed.

Thus is it written, and thus did it come to pass

1 Point From Qualification
High scorers and dismal performers

The monotony of yet-another qualifying campaign for Starblaydia's national football team, their nineteenth so far, has been only partially broken up by a series of high-scoring victories, combined with a smattering of oh-so-humiliating defeats. Starblaydia, for instance, have failed to beat Estresse Intenso in two attempts - gaining themselves just two draws from their matches.

High points, of course, have been the dramatic 7-2 victory over Liverpool England, 6-1 away to Etres Vais and the 7-0 over Kulikova - which included another highlight: Indigo Liileiko's hat-trick. The young striker has made ten appearances in the sixteen matches so far, mostly being used as a subsitute, and the twenty year-old has proved her worth. Don't forget, of course, she's an Indigenous World Cup winner and the only players to have more goals to their name for the Women's national football team are Jacqueline Maitland and Kaza Matranga.

Group 8 P W D L GF GA GD Pt
Geisenfried 15 11 3 2 52 24 28 36 Q
Yafor 2 15 12 0 4 42 22 20 36 Q
Starblaydia 15 10 2 4 48 20 28 32
Liverpool England 15 8 2 6 23 20 3 26
Tessan 15 7 4 5 24 24 0 25
Sativaville 15 7 2 7 44 33 11 23
Estresse Intenso 15 6 4 6 26 22 4 22
Etres Vais 15 4 1 11 20 50 -30 13 E
Kulikova 15 3 2 11 20 47 -27 11 E
San Monticaz 15 1 2 13 10 47 -37 5 E

With two games left to go, Starblaydia can still - somehow - technically win the Group. Although that event is highly unlikely, Starblaydia still need just a single point to out-strip Liverpool England and keep them back in fourth place or worse. The point could easily come away to Tessan or on the final matchday at home to Sativaville. Hopefully, even if Starblaydia do come third in their group, their qualifying performances will be enough to shock them into increased action when the finals in Az-cz and Quakmybush finally do come around.

In other news today, Starblaydia confirmed their entry for their twentieth World Cup as they officially signed up for World Cup 34.

Interview with Coach Charles DuPont

Barry Morris: "Good Evening, Mr. DuPont. Thank you for coming."

DuPont: "not a problem. I always like to accept interviews and this one was very tempting since we're in the final part of the qualifiers."

Barry: "So, what do you have to say about your win against Kingsford?"

DuPont: "It was vital to our qualification bid. We are now in third place and would automatically qualify if the qualifiers end today. It also adds a needed goal. We are literally tied with Nebuleux and only are in third place because we scored more goals than them."

Barry: "Yes, and to think it was almost a draw."

DuPont: "Indeed, Miquelinho provided a goal in the waning minutes to break the tie."

Barry: "The Turtles visit Nebuleux next. What can you say about that?"

DuPont: "Interestingly this match will have a large factor in whether we automatically qualify. If we win, we qualify automatically because that puts us ahead by 3 points. The Philodox match is a fairly easy win. If we draw, it comes down to the Kingsford-Nebuleux match. If Kingsford wins or draws Nebuleux, we will automatically qualify."

Barry: "What about the playoffs?"

DuPont: "A loss to Nebuleux would have us sent there almost certainly. Since it fluctuates, it's hard to say how we'd do there. Qualification chances are extremely high. Most bookkeepers won't even take qualification bets anymore because the odds are less than 3-2."

Barry: "How confident are you about the Nebuleux match?"

DuPont: "I'm pretty confident we can do it. We have a 1-0-1 record with them and I think Fate has already chosen us. It will be a close and well-fought match, though."

Barry: "How psyched are you and the team?"

DuPont: "Well, we're not there yet. We are very very close and I don't want to jinx it. In sports, you can get very superstitious, even if it's proven not true."

Barry: "Well thanks for the interview."

DuPont: "My pleasure to let the fans know how I'm thinking."

Barry: "Well good luck."

DuPont: "Thanks."

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


PLAYING IN AN ISLAND, CAFUNDÉU DEFEATED TANAH BURUNG

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/3484/3006559164gacafjj8.jpg
The best midfielder of Tanah Burung played well, but didn’t avoid the loss

As Tanah Burung didn’t have a place to play, Cafundéu asked the organizators to allow the use of the Tropicalia Island Stadium, in Cafundéu, for the game. It was allowed, but the monopolists supporters couldn’t go to the stadium, to avoid some kind of advantage to the away team. In the end, Cafundéu won the game in front of only more than a hundred people, playing under heavy rain since the middle of the first half.

Ganz Ijak and Heitor suffered with the rain, and couldn’t score. The goals happened after the rain started, and the grass became very wet. With this good result, Cafundéu stays in the third position, and if the team gets an impressive victory against Ariddia, and Northern Bettia loses, Cafundéu will be qualified for the World Cup, doesn’t even needing to win the game against the Fire Ants.

THE GAME

The climate in the Tropical Island was very good, and the staff members were ready to see a good game. Cafundéu started the game with an offensive attitude, but the grass conditions were horrible and many times the sand invaded the playing field. The attackers couldn’t use their technique well and many times the ball went to the sea, and had to be replaced.

Cafundéu created some chances, but the finishes weren’t good because of the field conditions. In one of them, Kliek found Heitor in a good position. The attacker shot, but the ball hit the sand and the goalkeeper could save easily. In another chance, Ganz Ijak received the ball inside the area, dribbled an opponent and shot. Unfortunately, the ball went wide, to the sea.

Tanah Burung attacked too, and the biggest chance of the team was with a midfielder, considered the best player of the team. He dribbled Anormal, Becão and shot. The ball hit the post and left the playing field. It was going to the sea, but an advertisement board stopped it. Minutes later, it started to rain. A very strong rain. The players weren’t expecting such a storm.

Both teams took some time to adapt themselves to the wet grass, and Cafundéu started to have good chances shooting from outside the area and crossing the ball to the area. In the last minutes of the first half, Kirs started a good play, dribbling an opponent and passing the ball to Brahma. The midfielder went to the entrance of the area and shot with strength, scoring a beautiful goal, the first of the game. Read Breno Gavião’s comments about the goal:

“The rrrrrain is verrrrry strrrrrong herrrrre, I can’t see verrrrry well. I think that I saw Kirs with the ball. Where is the ball? Oh, it’s there, with Brahma. He shoots, look at the goal, look at the goal, if you can! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Wait a moment for the replay! Brahma, number ten! Cafundéu one, Tanah Burung zero! I think that it was a nice goal, but I’m not certain.”

Tanah Burung tried to reply to Cafundéu’s goal, but the bad conditions difficulted that mission. But, in the injury time, they had an excellent chance. Kirs fouled a midfielder inside the area. Penalty and yellow card. The midfielder shot and scored, but the referee disallowed as the player didn’t wait his whistle. So, Tanah Burung’s players had to take the penalty again, and Vargas saved his second attempt. The first half ended 1x0.

http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/1909/imagemcafvk0.jpg
The game was very quiet before the rain

The halftime was extended to half an hour, as the referee wanted to see if the rain would stop, but it didn’t. After this long halftime, both teams returned to the swimming pool. Yes, because the grass was so wet that it could be considered a swimming pool. In the first minutes of the game, the teams looked amateur clubs, with difficulties to make even the simplest passes.

After some minutes, the game was full of long passes and long shots, but none of them were dangerous. Players constantly fell in the water, and the sand invaded more the field because of the wind. When a player reached the area, he tried to dive, simulating a penalty, but no penalties happened. Cafundéu had only one good chance in the first twenty minutes of the game, when Anormal shot from outside the goal, but the ball went wide.

Tanah Burung was even worse in the game, and two players left the game because of injuries. But few fouls were made, and just two cards were shown in the game, one for each team. Tanah Burung’s best midfielder dribbled one player and shot, but Vargas made a good save. Cafundéu replied with Priotto, who received the ball from Ganz Ijak and shot, but the ball hit a puddle of water and slowed down.

Most of the viewers tried to find a shelter to avoid the storm. The players had to continue playing, and an incredible thing happened: a goal. In the twenty-fifth minute, Kliek crossed the ball to the area. The goalkeeper tried to hit it, but missed. The ball went to Heren Ijak, who had no difficulties to head it. It hit the bar and entered inside the goal. Read Breno Gavião:

(heavy interference)”Oh, we’re back now, after technical prrrrroblems. Now Kliek is with the ball, and crrrrrrrrrrosses it to the arrrrrea. The goalkeeper goes to take it. He misses! Herrrrren Ijak has the chance to scorrrrre... look at the goal...(interference)...OOOOOAL! For Cafundéu!... (interference)... Heren Ijak, number nineteen! Cafundéu one... (heavy interference)”

Nobody wanted to play the final minutes, they only wanted to go home to avoid catching a flu or another illness. But the game had to continue. With more than ten minutes for the remaining of the game, Vargas was injured after falling in a puddle of water. Cão entered in his place. Finally, the game ended, and Cafundéu got a good victory.

The media had problems to get interviews from the players, so could only talk with Heren Ijak, who said: “It was a game in a completely different situation. It’s very difficult to play here, so this result was wonderful for us, and for me, as I scored.” The coach also talked a bit too, but still irritated with the press and the supporters: “I don’t know why my players had to play in this island, but we won, so our job is done. Just hope to do the same against Ariddia.”

http://img297.imageshack.us/img297/457/3006413692gacafjd8.jpg
The midfielder of Tanah Burung commemorated the disallowed goal

TANAH BURUNG 0x2 CAFUNDÉU

Place: Tropicalia Island, in Cafundéu (neutral ground).
Attendance: 112 people (staff, players and directors).
Referee: Andrade Kleford (Magnus Valerius).
MOTM: João Bebum Brahma (Cafundéu).

TANAH BURUNG: no team released.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Vargas (Cão 78’), Vandick (Heren Ijak 56’), Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs (Kimball 61’); Anormal, Priotto, Brahma and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

Goals:CAF: Brahma 39’ , Heren Ijak 70’.

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Cafundéu – formation for game against Ariddia: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +2

Match’s Referee: Don Manik (Cuation).

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Goalscorers after 16 games:

13- G. Ijak
7- Heitor
4- Renário and Anormal
3- R. Kliek and H. Ijak
2- Becão
1- J. Kimball, J. Priotto, R. Kirs and J. Brahma

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ariddia.png Ariddia 2-4 The Archregimancy http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_archregimancy.png


“…and thus it came to pass”

“No comment.”

That was all team captain Chloé al Safi said as she returned to the changing room, after a brief and seemingly friendly conversation with several Archregimancy players, including Br. Innocent. Giorgos Charisteas lingered with his fellow Orthodox opponents, as did several other Ariddians, but they eventally all made their exit without talking to the press. Xu and Sho – arguably the Rouge-et-Noirs’ best known contemporary players – looked particularly displeased with themselves.

Over in Rêvane, a supporter turned and left the park where a wide public screen had been set up, without waiting for the end of the commentaries.

“Well, that was rubbish,” he summed up, a commentary of his own. His wife, Julie, gave his arm a squeeze.

“It’s just football, love. Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dominique managed a smile. “But this was supposed to be the match where we got our own back. And where we qualified. Can you believe we haven’t even qualified yet? At this rate, we’ll be struggling to make it through the group stages!”

“Just a game,” she reminded him soothingly. “Don’t get worked up.”

“I mean, I can’t believe it! We’re supposed to be the best in the world. People are going to want to play against us!”

“Well, that’ll make it more of a challenge,” Julie said casually. “Good, in a way. We can’t stay on top all the time.”

Dominique sighed.
“I thought you enjoyed football?”

“I do. But there’s no fun in winning all the time. A little crushing humility is good for the soul, as those monks would say.”

“There’s no such thing as a soul,” Dominique argued grumpily. They took a turn into a smaller street, the sounds of the park fading behind them.

“Actually, that’s one of the themes of the play we’re going to see tonight.”

Dominique perked up a little.
“Oh. I’d completely forgotten about that.”

“See?” She gave him a kiss on the cheek. “We should go and get changed.”

“Just as long as there’s nothing about football in the play. . .” he agreed, as they made their way towards home.

HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

QUALIFICATION LOOMS
Squad Too 'Soft and Lazy' to Care

By Anna Comneno

Last night's dramatic 2-1 victory over the nameless drones of Druida, which almost certainly guarantees a second consecutive World Cup qualification for the Holy Empire for the first time since World Cup 4, was greeted by widespread apathy and indifference from most of the Imperial squad. Critics, notably right-wing fringe loon Senator Theodore Phocaso, of popular TV show 'Grumpy Old Fogeys', were quick to accuse the team of being 'soft and lazy'.

"Back in my day we would have celebrated by raping and pillaging our way through a defenceless Third World nation" said the confused and senile senator. "Indeed, we didn't consider it an adequate celebration unless we'd drunkenly impregnated at least 87 local teenage virgins with our unclean, but fertile, manly seed."

Senator Phocaso's comments were later denounced by the Imperial League of Justifiably Incensed Women, who claimed that the Senator's remarks were not merely 'a horrific attempt to justify sexual assault', but 'were symptomatic of the casual juvenile sexism that pervades much of the sporting commentary in this country.' The ILJIW also took a moment to denounce the recent public apology from popular broadcasters Basil and Theo over the Madame Spankly controversy as 'shallow and insincere'.

Sources close to the Imperial squad rejected the charges from Senator Phocaso, explaining that what seemed to be apathetic indifference was merely 'careful conservation of the squad's energy through an avoidance of over-exertion'. The same sources also denied the rumour that the team had been made honorary members of the Imperial branch of Apathetes International, noting that neither AI nor the squad could be bothered filling out the necessary paperwork.

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The news you need from a bunch of hateful, spite-filled right wing journalists nursing bitter grudges against all sports because the jocks kept slamming them into lockers at school.

EDITORIAL

It seems that finally, thankfully, the idiotic hope of Kelssek qualifying for the football World Cup is extinguished thanks to a defeat, 2-1, at the hands of Northern Caesarea. With that, the dreadful thought of Kelssekians and the filthy immigrants together, engaging in an orgy of sports-frenzy (truly a terrible scourge) in our streets is thankfully past.

Think of all the businesses which will not be looted by drunken crowds. Think of all the noise and public sexual immorality children will not have to put up with while studying for their school examinations. The economic damage of sporting events is so incredible it is a wonder anyone even dares to hold one. But incredibly, billions of people do! It is truly a ridiculous world.

So celebrate that we will not be in the World Cup. It is only a matter of time before the gravy train ran out of steam for our unproductive "athletes" who are a deadweight on society. Of course, people, who more than likely are communists, are still going to be telling you that Kelssek has a chance to make it. But don't be discouraged, because in truth they are out of it and it doesn't matter.

MAGNA SCHORTESKATASCANSOLANIA DISCOVERED?

The Reverend Doctor Funiculus has returned from his interstellar journey with an incredible tale. What makes the story even more amazing is that none of the other twelve scientists who went on the Expedition with him have returned - and that he arrived directly in the middle of Split, in the dead of night, without any visible means of transportation, unclothed, and with partial memory loss.

The most plausible explanation, according to Doctor Leonardus and Doctor Oiler, directors of the Pyramidic Institute of Diseases and Discomfortable Maladies (PIDDM) is that Rv.Dk. Funiculus was transported to the mother country by Space-3. Space-3 until now has been a speculation, a fantasy world invented by the physicists so that they could solve certain equations. Everybody recalls Professor Quds's research into "if Space-3 exists, what exactly must it be like?" And the conclusion, as we all know, was that theoretically it would enable instantaneous transportation to anywhere in the universe, given sufficient mental power. This is purely hypothetical so far, but we will keep you informed.

Doctor Funiculus was unable to provide us with any information regarding his voyage either to or from where he was going. He does claim that he found Magna Schorteskatascansolania, which is called "Akela" in the place he found it. It is a distant and cold planet orbiting a bright white star, quite unlike our mellow sun. It is also under the nominal jurisdiction of the United Capitalizt States. Doctor Funiculus says that he and his research companions arrived there and were astounded by the sheer number of items of cultural significance and interest. The team members, according to his story, liked the place so much they decided to live there for several years, but that he had argued that the people at home deserved to know about this. Therefore they sent him back. His memory grows fuzzy here, and he knows nothing until the fourth day after we found him. Scans of his brain show abnormal levels of emotional activity, and some damage to the several areas, including memory. Thus far Doctor Funiculus has been unable to provide us with any substantial data of what he saw in "Akela", and it is wondered whether he is raving or not.

So much for the story of the good Doctor; we will keep you informed here. Turning to a very much related note, Schorteskatascansolani played the United Capitalizt States at home, giving them a lavish reception, and the people of Schorteskatascansolani beholding the team in great awe as the "ancient ancestors". Unfortunately, all this failed to transform into spectacular playing on the pitch, and the home team lost 1-3, with a further Capitalizt goal called back. With two games to go and the team in fifth place and four points behind the #3 team, prospects aren't looking good for instant qualification. We may very well be headed to the playoffs. Cheer us on, folks; these last two games are against Nedalia away and Ropa-Topia at home, which may prove the decisor of everythings.

Master Guillaume.



[ooc note. In Schorteskatascansolania, Master is the title given to anybody who has achieved a passage in University. Doctor is the name given to a man who is a great expert in a field; Professor to a man who is a great teacher in a field; Reverend to a man who is a great master of divinity. For the latter two categories, Teacher and Pastor are given to lesser lights. All other men are given the title of Mr.]

<Abrams Tunk holding up Dazza Dallas in his arms>

Dazza: Hey, it's Dazza here. I'm with Jeruselem Captain TunkerHunker!
Tunk: If you haven't guessed, this is THE FOOTBALL LIFE.
Dazza: I like it here. This is fun.
Tunk: I think I'd better put you down now Dazza.

Dazza: He's a real man.
Tunk: Thanks for the compliments Dazza.
Dazza: Well, two games left and well, a lot has been decided. with Bettia and Jeruselem fighting to top spot in Group 1, it's down to who is 3rd, 4th and 5th.
Tunk: I'm glad we qualified with ease, the pressure is over. The team can now work on training for the big games.

<Some guy runs in front of the camera>

Manfred: Don't listen to that bitch! I'm a real man!

Dazza: Hey, who's this wanker!
Tunk: Oh, Manfred Mann the Man. What's he doing here.
Dazza: Get rid of this pest.
Tunk: Sure thing, Dazza.

<Punches out Manfred>

Dazza: That's better.
Tunk: Believe me, that guy does not shut up. Only way is to knock him out.
Dazza: The Crusaders beat New Propagandia TWO ONE today. Not the prettiest, best or most convincing win but it's still a win.
Tunk: We played crap really but good team playing badly beat bad teams playing well most of the time.

Dazza: We are still 2nd because of Bettia beating Lovisa ONE NIL. Looks like Bettia played badly too but Lovisa played worse.
Tunk: I think Bettia and Jeruselem are now in cruise mode, not trying too hard now.
Dazza: Gearing up for the group stage, I see.
Tunk: Yes, just making sure we don't get injured by taking too many risks.

Dazza: So Bettia lead but we can still steal stop spot. Only one point in it.
Tunk: They play the Elves later so it's going be close once again.
Dazza: Kelssek are chokers - they lost to Northern Caesarea. Northern Caesarea winning TWO ONE and making life hard for the Kelssek team. Kelssek needed the win and should have won really but did not.
Tunk: The rookies finding the pressure too much and choking.

Dazza: Bostopia didn't do the choke job, they beat Marceau State ONE NIL and keep 4th spot.
Tunk: Two pressure wins for Bostopia, when they needed the wins. Kelssek have been dropping points and well, not good for them.
Dazza: Yes, and guess who's happy Kelssek are choking? Elves Security Forces of course! Elves Security Forces beat the last placed Collonie TWO ONE and have almost secured 3rd spot.
Tunk: Yes, well deserved with big surge in the 2nd half of qualifying for Elves Security Forces. They are a good team, it's just they had a really bad start. If the Elves win one more game, they have 3rd spot.

Dazza: Bostopia 4th and Kelssek 5th with 3rd spot lost to both unless the Elves mess it all up next two games. Bostopia are ahead by two points. Comparing both teams - same goal difference but Bostopia have a better defense while Kelssek score more goals. Bostopia don't score many goals while Kelssek concede too many. Hard to there!
Tunk: My pick is Bostopia on current form and the points situation for 4th.
Dazza: Me too, unless Kelssek score a massive win last game and Bostopia lose.
Tunk: Could happen too.

Dazza: To the sad tale of Nedalia!
Tunk: Like a nightmare that is.
Dazza: Nedalia lost to Altanar who won THREE ONE.
Tunk: Next world cup for the Lions I guess

Dazza: 3rd placed Ropa-Topia draw with Squornshelous 5 ALL. Great game, 10 goals and lots of excitement.
Tunk: Yeah, that's football. Well done Ropa-Topia.
Dazza: What are we going to with Manfred here?
Tunk: I'll just put him next to these Gay people over here.

<Moves body>

Dazza: Well, that's it from me and Tunk here. I'm going to some shopping!
Tunk: I need some sleep, and no nothing to do with Dazza here.

Group 1

Bostopia [1] Marceau State [0]
Kelssek [1] Northern Caesarea [2]
Bettia [1] Lovisa [0]
New Propagandia [1] Jeruselem [2]
Elves Security Forces [2] Collonie [1]


Team W D L PTS GF GA GD
Bettia 13 1 2 40 51 24 27
Jeruselem 12 3 1 39 53 22 31
ESF 9 4 3 31 40 27 13
Bostopia 8 3 5 27 23 18 5
Kelssek 7 4 5 25 43 38 5
N. Caesarea 5 4 7 19 26 33 -7
Marceau State 4 3 9 15 24 31 -7
Lovisa 3 2 11 11 16 33 -17
New Propagandia 1 6 9 9 15 29 -14
Collonie 3 0 13 9 16 52 -36


Group 9

Altanar [3] Nedalia [1]
Ropa-Topia [5] Squornshelous [5]

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Ibix Football sides learn through defeat,
Niles Jacob-Premiership Writer

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With only two matches to go in a Men's World Cup Qualification that will ultimately prove unsuccessful, and the Women's World Cup campaign over, the nation has arrived at the point where we can look back and actually evaluate out performance. In a nutshell: not good. But still, it wasn't all bad, our men's side did pull out some impressive wins and even some unlikely draws(points is points) and the women were in it until the final day of group play, but it left a lot to be desired.

They say chivalry is dead, so the men go first. I think that Viktor Ragudin's side illustrates a key cliche in sports, that there is a marked difference between an all-star team and a national side, with Ragudin picking the latter, needless to say, he won't be picking again. Frankie Obispo, who has one goal, struck me as a sore thumb. He isn't much of a teammate, or a playmaker and he talks a big game more than anything else. Still, a few other tweaks would've been useful. Also, the style of play was too passive, either more offence or more defence for a focus, but a style of play so evenly balanced only led them into a state of complacency. Then there was the inconsistency....and the fact that this is our first time. Plus the fact that our group sucked(I think they all suck, to be fair). Still when(though some say it's if), we try this again, we should probably try and do it right. Maybe some foreign study is necessary? How about our Kelssekian neighbours? Communist diversion or otherwise, they did manage to do not too bad.

Then there was the Women's side, which, other than basketball(The men play trashketball, yes, I'm damn clever), is the only Women's game I enjoy watching as much. They play as a team. They're pretty humble. They win the easy games and make the others close. They had to play a team of men(Good call to the Organizers on that one,twits) but Anna Khodorovskaia is now a household name. Well done.

Still, there are more national competitions coming in the near future and with the Ylompics postponed, we can only hope to see the football sides back in action.

The Crimson Blade

Assegai Shocks Vilita Again

After going winless in their last two encounters, Assegai Developments got back in the win column with a huge 3-1 upset over No. 26-ranked Vilita side in front of a boisterous home crowd of more than 75,000.

Indeed, Cathedral Park was sold out and then some, with nearly every corner of the renovated stadium packed with Assegai supporters and a few Vilita fans sprinkled here and there.

Assegai wasted no time in drawing first blood, with Severus Snape taking the kickoff and slicing through a sluggish Vilita defense and beating the keeper to give his team the lead just 35 seconds into the match.

Although Vilita drew things even in the fifth minute, off a free kick, Assegai forward Samantha Neesa put her team ahead for good in the 12th minute, chasing down a through ball from midfielder Duane Grissom and dribbling around the Vilita keeper to calmly tap in Assegai’s second goal of the match.

Assegai forward Sidney Losstarot would finish off the upset victory in convincing fashion when he faked out three Vilita defenders, dribbling in between them and blasting a shot past Vilita’s keeper in the 89th minute.

The 3-1 victory was demonstrative of a very confident Assegai squad that had gone through a rough patch in the previous two weeks. Now Assegai looks ahead to a rematch with surprising newcomers Quintessence of Dust, on the road.

Match Summary

(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 3
(26) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/vilita.png Vilita 1

[AD]
Severus Snape (1’)
Samantha Neesa (12’)
Sidney Losstarot (89’)

[VIL]
??? ???? (5’)

@ Cathedral Park, Leá Monde, Assegai
Attendance: 75,000 +

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

The Crimson Blade

Riskbreakers Travel to Quintessence of Dust

The Riskbreakers of Assegai Developments play the first of their last two games of the qualifying phase this week, when they travel to Quintessence of Dust for a rematch with the feisty newcomers.

In the first encounter between these two teams, Assegai came out on top 3-1 with a brace of goals from midfielder and team captain Ashley Riot and another from defender A.J. Durai.

Assistant Coach Joel Monroy (who remains in control of the team as ordained by Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga) has named the following players as his starting 11 for this one.


Goaltender
#3 Callo Merlose – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#76 John Hardin – (D.S. Assegai)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#32 Agatha Denys – (A.C. Leá Monde)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#8 Ursula Goode – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#18 Stephen de Cobham – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#9 Dominic Saint-Émilion – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Monroy is giving backup keeper Callo Merlose her fourth start of the qualifying phase, and is also giving starts to defender John Hardin, midfielder Agatha Denys, and a front line of Ursula Goode, Stephen de Cobham and Dominic Saint-Émilion.

When asked why he swapped the whole front line with those on his bench, Monroy stated that he wanted to see how well they played against an energetic squad like Quintessence of Dust, and that there exists the possibility that one of these three might crack the starting 11 for the Proper.

Upcoming Match

(UR) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/quintessence_of_dust.png Quintessence of Dust

VS
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

NSWC 33 RP Post No. 31

KESTAL NOAMUTH A FORT EUROPE G'JAHALL
HOPE FADES FOR STUART MOSS AT FORT EUROPE DEFEAT

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Fletcher dives for glory


Schiavonia - 2 - V - 1 - Fort Europe

Report by Amy Bystander, Commonwealth News.

Mathematically Fort Europe can still reach the play off places for qualification to the thirty third NationStates World Cup finals but many believe this would take an impressive miracle. For starters Fort Europe would need to win both of their remaining matches at home against Harlesburg first who beat Fort Europe earlier in this qualification phase by two goals to one, and then the Lowland Clans who have made a great fight back right up to third after loosing to Fort Europe by four goals to one in their second match. Further more it would take the defeat of several other top teams, including Demot, to lesser clubs for Fort Europe to make it to the play offs.

The match against Schiavonia certainly didn't help matters despite Fort Europe taking an early lead on the road and maintaining a majority of the possession throughout the match. Andy Fletcher's twelfth minute diving header separating the two sides with just twenty minutes left on the clock when Colin Chester found the back of the Fort Europe net not once but twice to give Stuart Moss the biggest headache of his life and Fort Europe a long uphill struggle to reach the finals.

PLAYER RATINGS
(Out of 10)

6 - James West
7 – Murphy Lee
6 – Tim Forrester
6 – Floe Peltsten
5 - Gemma Lloyd []
6 - Katherine Keller
9 – Andy Fletcher (12)
7 – Ryan Holmes (C)
6 - Vicky Princess
7 - Michelle Bishop
6 - Karl Isaak

SUBS

- - Tom Reas
- - Mike Young
6 - Aki Haddon (On for Peltsten (45))
- - Edowine Sanjuan
- - Josephine Blanchard


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West beaten by Chester

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Chester celebrates his second

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Isaak misses the last chance to equalise


Phor dossta akh llar!

"Thank you John. As usual, I've managed to collar Northern Bettia's manager Iwan Obani for a quick word. Iwan - a disappointing result?"

"You could say that. Our performance was so-so at best, and to concede a goal so late on was very disappointing to say the least. I'll be having a few strong words with my lads in a minute. We all knew this would be a tough game, 'cos Zwangzug have been putting some good displays together, but we also knew that we need to win to stay in touch with the top three. We also knew that we would probably have to win all of our remaining games to qualify - now we know that for sure. Win both our games, and we've qualified automatically. If we don't, we don't."

"Thankfully, we've just heard that this one point together with other results throughout the world means the Northern bettia will at least be in the playoffs."

"Is that right? Oh well, that's good. It means our World Cup isn't quite over yet. Of course, I don't want us to go through playoffs cos there are some tough looking teams also looking to get through there, like Turori and Liverpool England. I want automatic qualification, but we'll have to climb one hell of a mountain to get there."

"But here's another thing to be thankful for: both of our final games are at home."

"Yep, that's a bit of a bonus alright, and I really want to make the most of it. I would urge all of our supporters to turn out in force and make things as intimidating as possible for the opposition. If their fans start singing, sing ten times as loud. If one of their players touches the ball, I want Sakura Park to ring with a chorus of boos. And when they take a goal kick, I want to hear the words "Ooooooooooh... you're... shit... AAAHH!" to be heard throughout the whole of Anyuna! And even if you can't get into the stadium, stand outside, watch the games on the big screens in the car park and shout your heads off as if you were in the ground! Let them know who's the home team... let them know where they are!"

"Some excellent fighting words there Iwan. Next up is Dance 2 Revolution - any news for that game?"

"Well, unfortunately we'll be missing Kyobu, Idasenai and Sakasayou through suspension, and I'll be resting Gwrlais Devanallt with a tweaked ankle - we're hoping he'll recover in time for the Cafundéu match, he should do. Apart from that, we're at full strength. The four first-teamers we were missing tonight through suspension will be back for us. We definately missed Dave Saotama's physical prescence in midifeld, so to have him back is a massive boost. And I'll be starting with Matt Shukuoka up front with Hiyashibara and Futsu-Futsu, so it'll be interesting to see how that combination works. I know for a fact that Matt's been chomping at the bit to get a chance to start, so he'll be raring to go. The lads know they're all fighting to their places, and now that have an extra incentive. Now, if you don't mind, I have some earbashing to do."

"Iwan, thanks for your time. Now back to the studio..."


Fixtures / Results


MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT
01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away....W 3-1
16: Zwangzug.............Away....D 1-1
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME
18: Cafundéu.............HOME

Elven Times
Can You Taste It?

The Marauders are but a win over bottom table inhabitants Lovisa from making their first ever trip to the Proper. In a swirl of extraordinary events that can only be explained by some divine intervention by the goddess Elune, the Marauders have risen from the ashes of their self made and have given themselves new life like the Phoenix. Thier two to one win over the hard ridden bottom table sitters of Collonie, while not their best football, have capped off this amazing run the squad has put together in the second half that is enabling them to make that jump that they have been dying to do so since they first came into the tournament oh those long twenty years ago. The victory marks the ninth straight match in which the Marauders have not fallen victim, with their last notch in the red coming in matchday side, at home against the offensive juggernaught of the Bettians, of whom the squad will play on the last matchday. This run will be going down in the elven history books, and the story of this squad's turnaround will be the subject of lore for millenia to come, as children will hear about how captain Zacharius lead his valiant squad from the brinks of humilation to the crowning glory and estacy of qualification.

For it was the captain who lead the Marauders efforts in their demise over the Collonie squad, in front of the faithful who were singing and dancing like their lives had just been made anew. It was his best friend for centuries on end who found the captain and set him free in the 18th minute, behind the enemies backlines, and straight onto a lead with the nice bounce off the post and into the netting, as the sounds of "Glory,Honor, Fame, and Game" rung loud and true throughout the Hatire Memorial. The half saw a entertaining exihibition from the all-stars of the EPL in events like crossbar challange and penalty shootouts, with Heather Hall of FC Capri winning the crossbar challange and Dwier Titenburg Jr. winning the penalty shootout competition. The seocond half start sealed the deal, as Zacharius gave way to his amazing son, who scored off a cannon shot from thirty-five yards out in the 60th minute. The only thing that hampered the mood the rest of the night was a later strike by their center forward in the 89th minute that robbed Martin of his clean sheet.

At this time we would like to give a monumential shootout to our regionmates of Assegai, who after some humiliating trials and challanges, made their way into the Proper. Their detirmination to continue on despite huge setbacks that would crush the spirit of many other squads is commendable, and they have recieved their just reward. It would be only fitting that the tournament when the Marauders make thrier breakthrough into the finals, so do their biggest rivals. We shall be looking forward to a hopeful deep run by both squads, and a chance meeting that should fall in the Marauders favor. Until then, the squad heads to Lovisa to seal the deal officialy, needing a win to clinch it on their own, or a draw and have Bostopia lose or draw in their match against the mighty Jeruselem squad.

Elves Security Forces 2
Zacharius (18)
Kiso Night (60)

Collonie 1
??? (89)

Article by Luna Santapa

Andrew Coulter had a tremendous headache, he was hit by a really nasty bug and was taken out of commission for some time during that time Bazalonia had suffered defeats to East Lithuania, beat The Aqua Moose and also lost to Tynelia.

"Bah, Stupid Milchamians and Tynelians." he said sneezing into a tissue after reading a match report. Looking at the group Bazalonia had sealed it's 3rd place in qualifying while giving the 'Stupid Tynelian's' top spot and absolutely removing any chance of a higher placed finish. Infact, Bazalonia's fate was sealed and they mos well play all their sercondary players.

The only thing that could change was who got the top spot. Both teams were expected to win so Tynelia might actually make their first World Cup at the top of their group. Andrew coughed again.

"Hey, Can you come in here for a sec?" asked Andrew to the Secretary

"Nope, I'm not going in there with all those Germs flying around."

"Geez, It's just the common cold, The bug temporarily weakened my immune system, and made me get sick. The Doctor said I'd be fine."

"Nope. I'm still not coming in. Send me an email."

Andrew sighed, Alright... It's coming...

The new email alert poped up on the secretary's computer a minute later.

"We've got The Great Monty Python coming to Georgetown Nova Stadium next, I seem to remember something about an incident with knights looking for something called the Holy Grail. See what you can find out about that before they come. Seem the sort of people who oculd cause trouble."

She read the email, noticing his spelling mistake she could of made an issue about it but decided with the bug and everything she would wait till he was better before starting to make snide remarks again.

She started to research this "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

GRAHAM CITY SUN - World Cup Qualifying Coverage

The Bandit Building His Legend

LONDON - Since taking over the Galaxy squad, Andrew "The Bandit" Creek has started to build his own legend, right up along with player Gavin Fleury and manager Casey Dellet as one of the most beloved figures in Clan footballing history. Having gone undefeated since taking over the squad and managing to not lose a single game to take The Lowland Clans from near the bottom of the table to an almost improbable third place in the table, with a chance to take over second place in the table. His ability to get players to work together on the pitch and gel-ing into an excellent unit on-field. "He's done an excellent job here with us," said captain Silas McGinney today in an interview with the Sun. "He restored our confidence and has really focused on building a strong team that can succeed in all situations. It was tough in the first four matches, a combination of dumb luck, refereeing decisions and managerial inexperience really hurt us. It's really kind of unfortunate for Alex, but I'm proud to say that I've played for him all of these years. Hopefully the FF will be convinced to bring him back on staff. But for the Bandit, he's certainly an excellent manager, right up there with Dellet."

rp cutoff

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

One more Match...vs #1
Cluichstan- 0 QAZOX-2

A 4-0 win over outmatched Cluichstan, has given the Black Oxen the Group 4 title, but one more match remains, against #1 in the world Krytenia. While both sides have qualifed for the Cup proper, Krytenia needs a win to secure the 2nd place spot inthe group, while Qazox looks to finish as one of possibly 3 teams without a loss, the others being the Archregimancy and Schivonia. A 3-2 comeback win allowed us to leap into 1st place a couple of months ago, but the prospects of a second loss as the #1 ranked team, could mean Krytenia plays a bit harder. I think it will end in a 1-1 draw, preserving Qazox' unbeaten record.

As for the match today, Goals were scored by: Casdorph, her third goal in 2 games; two by Sonja Clay and the last by Paulina Sardina to finish off the 4-0 win.


Scoring Summary:
Qazox: Casdorph (3) 23'; Clay (9,10) 31', 49'; Sardina (2) 67'
Cluichstan: None
CARDS: Cluichstan: None
Qazox: None

Nebuleux Shut Out 3-nil

The third of the colloquial Final Four qualification matches for Sel Appa has eneded in a win, and a shutout win at that. The Turtles delivered an amazing 3-0 victory to their nation in a sensationally spectacular match. The match started with a pumped Sel Appan team visiting Nebuleux. Nebuleux was eager to prevent Sel Appa from an easy qualification. They almost received their wish when a powerful shot soared towards the Sel Appan goal. Keeper Vasily Kashchenko viciously punched it away. Minutes later, Miquelinho scored the first goal of the match to an ecstatic team. Despite many attempts to add to their lead, the Turtles did not see any result until the final minutes when Alex Nart slid a ball into the net for a second goal. At 2-0, the first half ended. The last bookkeepers that accepted bets on Sel Appan qualification finally closed and claimed Sel Appa's qualification chance was virtually 1:1.

The second half opened with a psyched Sel Appan team. The Nebuleux team conspired for revenge and desperately tried goal after goal. They continuously failed, but as time went on, the Sel Appan defens appeared to falter and let through a few plays that should have been blocked. Sel Appa tried to keep their lead by retaining a mainly defensive position. In the 78th minute, Miquelinho saw an oppotunity and slammed the ball way into the back of the net. The Nebuleux keeper said he couldn't remember seeing the ball whizzing by. As the final minutes commenced, Estevez order a robust defense as Nebuseux tried to at least prevent a shutout. It was in vain when the whistle blew at 3-0. The team screamed and cheered and hugged the Nebuleux team. knowing that this win virtually guaranteed qualification, coach Charles DuPont thanked and congratulated his team.

In Nemnenait Square, where thousands were watching the match on a big screen, the crowd got louder as the minutes wore down. When the whistle blew, a wave of bodies jumped up and sceramed. Bonfires were lit and songs sung. Notably, We Like To Party (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcFC-B6Dyhc) and Get Ready For This (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVMQyRNqr-U). With only one match to go against a newbie team and fairly secure ahead of Nebuleux, Sel Appa has but been officially confirmed as qualifying.

Qualification Scenarios

Groups 1, 4, and 7 - Nothing to be decided.

Group 2 - 4 teams will move on to at least the playoffs, while Ariddia and the Archregimancy are directly qualified. Winner of Northern Bettia vs Cafundeu match will directly qualify.

Group 3 - Schiavonia has qualified. A draw will see Alasdair I Frosticus through. For TLC to qualify they have to win or draw and have Demot lose. Demot will qualify with a win and a TLC loss.

Group 5 - If Sel Appa wins, they will qualify. For Nebuleux to qualify they must win and Sel Appa must lose. Nebuleux also must make up 6 in the goal differential department.

Group 6 - If Oliverry wins, they qualify. For Spruitland to qualify, they must win, and Oliverry must lose. With Spruitland making up 15 in goal differential.

Group 8 - Starblaydia will qualify with a win. For Liverpool England to qualify, they must win and Starblaydia must lose. Liverpool England must also gain 22 goal differential.

Group 9 - Turori wins, and they are in. For Ropa-Topia to qualify, they must win and Turori would have to lose or tie. For Schorteskatascansolani to qualify, they must win, and Turori must lose, with Schorteskatascansolani making up 6 goal differential.

This is Radio Scandia, Master Guillaume reporting as the Quintessential Futbal Newshound. Turori has more or less put paid to Schortic ambitions for automatic qualification with their win over Coocoostan. We could still automatically qualify if Turori loses and we defeat Ropa-Topia in such a way that between both matches the Schortic goal differential increases by seven. No, not very likely, especially considering that Turori will be playing Kericia at home. (Of course, if Turori had not defeated the undefeatable Squornshelous 7-1, none of this would be really happening. We suspect foul play.) Nevertheless, if it's going to be a meaningless scrap for fourth place with Ropa-Topia, let it be a meaningless scrap for fourth place. At any rate it is somewhat possible for a freak accident to occur and Schorteskatascansolani not even get a playoff spot. The game went well; I'm sure you'll all wondering about that. Yes, we played Nedalia away; they are the puppet state of a country called Jeruselem, a truly horrific place. Lee Bush played modestly but well, helping us to a 0-2 victory. So, up the Schor, and we'll most likely see you all in the playoffs. Continuing our sports sum-up, the SPRSNSDSSSBLSGA (an acronym I will not try to expand) Golf Tournament begins here in Split...

HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL QUITE PATHETIC
"Soft and Lazy" Imperial Squad Shredded by Galaxy

By Anna Comneno

In a pathetic, disorganised, ill-disciplined display of appalling football, the Holy Empire were taken apart by in-form opponents The Lowland Clans overnight. Two Imperial squad members and manager Juan Tzimisces were shown red cards as Jopolik and Toldo ran rampant for the home side. Indeed, the only real mystery is how the Imperial visitors kept the scoreline down to a semi-respectable 4-1 as they self-destructed. Accusations that the Imperial squad had proven themselves to be 'soft and lazy' were, for once, denied by no one.

Toldo's first goal, in the 15th minute, was a taste of things to come, as the Galaxy forward relied on his balance and agility to weave his way through the entire Imperial defence single-handedly, eventually slotting the ball past a despairing Prodomoso. Pselluso managed a long-range equaliser some five minutes later, but that was the last moment of joy for the visitors. Choniates was shown the first red in the 31st minute, after his questionable defensive skills saw him clumsily chop down an accelerating Jopolik. As the half-time whistle blew, coach Juan Tzimisces' legendary temper finally rose to the surface for the first time in years, and while the right hook he unleashed on blameless and defenceless Galaxy assistant manager Mengies was singularly impressive from a technical viewpoint, it led to an inevitable red card.

Immediately after half-time, it was Pselluso' turn to see red after an unfortunate incident home defender Jurgensen - the unspecified provocatively obscene nature of which has been censored by both of the relevant football associations.

Coachless, and down to 9 men, the Holy Empire fell apart, and it came as little surprise that Toldo and Jopolik finished the second half with a brace each. But for an inspired performance from Prodomoso in goal, the home side could have score eight.

The only good news for the Holy Empire is that a draw in the last match will seem them through to the finals proper - and they finish the campaign with a home match against Bartonstein, a team so inept that they've managed only a single point this entire qualifying campaign. Rumour has it that coach Tzimisces has in fact bet his house on the Empire qualifying.

Elsewhere, surprise was expressed - mainly by my editor, though others may well join in once they read this story - that a Holy Empire media report could offer a coherent and detailed match description with barely any reference to the usual surprisingly juvenile obsession with sex and sexuality, unless Pselluso's bizzare and wholly justified red card counts.

“And now your host for the Voice of Truth here on WTRU, Mike McPhee!”

“That’s right listeners its your future president Mike McPhee, the Voice of Truth tellin’ it like it is once again. Now everyone knows that the election is only a week away so if you really want to waste your time listening to WSOC talk about Tynelia's backups winning 3-2 on goals from Conroy, Thompson and the oldest MacDougal while little brother MacDougal nearly blew it again in net go ahead. This time we’re talking important stuff here tonight.

“My campaign is ready to rebound at the right time I can feel it. This will be the greatest upset in Tynelian political history. Sure the last polls have me at 12% well behind Sallas and Mallack who are neck and neck with 36% and 35% of the vote but the other four candidates combined have 17% and that’s who I’m talking to today. Your people are done for but that doesn’t mean your voices can’t be heard. Rally behind me to let these two know that Tynelia is more than a two party system exchanging the presidency between them. No rally to me and let them know that the people want to be heard. That truth needs to be heard and the big two won’t give you that. Only the Voice of Truth can make your voices sound out along with mine and let them know we will not stand for this.

“Think about it listeners. Each of you have regional strength in certain areas. Combined with my support we can steal key areas. United we’re only a few percentage points behind the other two and with the margin of error it’d be anyone’s race. We’re running strong in Haven, the fourth largest city in Tynelia and your support added to my own could mean we take the city. Even if by some chance we may fall short, that will give us a sound basis for next election to build from. Four more years to make the rest of the nation listen to the truth and rally behind us. After all this is the Truth Party’s first ever presidential election and we’re running a strong third. Join us and be part of the next big thing in Tynelian politics.

“Its not too late no matter what the big two say. They say that out of fear because they know the sound of truth is eroding their bases each and every day. They fear what the truth might bring so they’re desperate to try and nip the Truth Party in the bud before we become too strong. Why? Because they can’t handle the truth! That’s why!

“You can still visit Voiceoftruth.com and email me your thoughts and comments about the show or my campaign as we reach the home stretch. Our paybuddy site is still open for contributions and my campaign still needs your vinlis both now and in the future. We had a nice rebound since last show but we must think about the future as well. The Truth Party needs your contributions even after election day so we can build upon our start here. Evene if we win, keep your vinlis coming so we can build a sound infrastructure of local candidates seeking to spread the truth as I do. After all the day may come when another must bear the torch of truth and without a sound base on the local levels to draw from the voice of truth would fall silent and that can’t happen. Til then this is the Voice of Truth Mike McPhee tellin’ it like it is whether you like it or not. And people, Vote Truth.”

The royal herald walks out onto the balcony as the crowd awaits from below.

“Hear ye, hear ye. Let it be known on this day rallied by the need to honour the late King John IV your invincible knights have again triumphed against nigh insurmountable odds by following their victory against the Enlgish of Liverpool here by defeating the Bladesmen from the Stars 2-1. Your champion the Miller Wallace delivered both of the blows which felled the Bladesmen to lead us to yet another unthinkable victory. But let it be known that the church has made it known that such victories back to back can only be the sign of the late King John IV watching and inspiring his champions to feats unthinkable to mortal beings. As such the church has begun a study to deem whether our Beloved King John IV be deemed worthy of sainthood for his actions on behalf of his kingdom even after his death.

“So too has King John V deemed the show of knightly jousts after the match to be one of the finest competitions he can recall seeing. Once again your knights seem inspired to honour their late king and so battled like they have not battled before as those among the invited Bladesmen who chose to linger afterwards after being so invited by the king watched on. Though they declined our most generous offer to join us on the field of battle as the Englishmen did before them all was well. No doubt they sought to avoid defeat on two different fields of battle on the same day and made a tactical withdrawal.

“Now we stand but one victory away from no doubt a certain entry into the tournament of champions. A fine tribute to both our late king and the new king who sits as a symbol of change for the glory of king and kingdom which such an entry would show the world. After defeating the two mightiest foes we could face in a row is there any doubt that we shall fail this next time? I say NAY!”

The crowd erupts in cheering and defiant shouting even though none of the crowd have any idea who the team would be facing next.

<Dazza Dallas dressed in playboy bunny suite and Wayne Wastle>

Wayne: No this is not Wayne Wastle at Playboy Mansion, it's just Playboy Bunny Dazza Dallas. And this is the FOOTBALL LIFE, not Playboy TV.
Dazza: Hey, how does Dazza look?

Wayne: Well, tempting but I'm you are Dazza - you don't need to dress up to get men going.
Dazza: Good good, Dazza's a good bunny (winks)

Wayne: We're at home and Bostopia came for visit needing a win. They needed the win as there were four points between them and the Elves. It didn't help playing Jeruselem at home. They had a chance with Jeruselem not playing full strength teams last few games.
Dazza: Unfortunately, for Bostopia - Jeruselem's reserve teams are not crap. Bostopia lost ONE NIL to Jeruselem, and that ended their hopes to make 3rd spot. Elves counted on us winning and well, there you go!

Wayne: Yes, the top 3 are settled. It's Jeruselem, Bettia and the Elves. Elves Security Forces played Lovisa, and beat them. Well beat them or more like flogged them. Flogging, I mean flogging!
Dazza: The Elves on NINE NIL, yes NINE goals. One per 10 minutes - compared to Lovisa NIL. Well, That sealed the Elves 3rd spot.

Wayne: Bettia beat Northern Caesarea THREE NIL to keep Jeruselem away from top spot. Yes, Bettia looking good for the finals.
Dazza: Yes, no defeats for a while. 3 defeats between Jeruselem and Bettia. Nedalian's can celebrate this even if their team played like err kittens.

Wayne: New Propagandia beat the lousy Collonie team FIVE ONE.
Dazza: Collonie are working to keep bottom spot with Lovisa working hard to take bottom spot. Well, you gotta win something. Jeruselem have plus 30 goal difference but Collonie are minus 40 ... conceding more goals than Jeruselem scored.

Wayne: Kelssek needing a big win stumbled to draw with Marceau State 2 ALL and ending any hope of 3rd spot. This oddly pushes them within one point of Bostopia but if they had won - they would be 4th.
Dazza: Yes, Kelssek started to well and at the end - choking! Bostopia hold on 4th spot.

Wayne: Oh Nedalia lost again. Schorteskatascansolani beat then TWO NIL.
Dazza: Nedalians! You have Bettia and Jeruselem to cheer on.

Wayne: Coming up - Bettia vs the Elves, now that's a game.
Dazza: Don't miss it - because it affects who it top team in Group 1.

Wayne: OK, Miss February. What's on YAP YAP?
Dazza: Well, JGN held a poll well about this show! What do viewers watch THE FOOTBALL LIFE for - the football or Dazza! And why do they watch, the top 10.

Wayne: Number 10 - the results. You know the scores - information.
Dazza: Number 9 - because it's before dinner and people are bored.

Wayne: Number 8 - Dazza's costume changes. Yes, Dazza never wears the same thing back to back.
Dazza: Number 7 - The cute male hosts like Ricky Pointy Stick for example.

Wayne: Number 6 - The drama, things happen here.
Dazza: Number 5 - The special guests, we have lots of special guests. All types. It's fun talking to them.

Wayne: Number 4 - Dazza's sex life. People like to hear about it! Don't know why
Dazza: Number 3 - YAP YAP. The most unpredictable part of THE FOOTBALL LIFE introduced by moi.

Wayne: Number 2 - The unscripted lines. This show is all about what's happening not what script says.
Dazza: And Number 1 - DAZZA, well actually - DAZZA in skimpy costumes. Well, there is it.

Wayne: You make this show, I'm just a passenger.
Dazza: That's it from me and Wayne. See you next time, sweet dreams.

Group 1:
Jeruselem [1] Bostopia [0]
Northern Caesarea [0] Bettia [3]
Lovisa [0] Elves Security Forces [9]
New Propagandia [5] Collonie [1]
Marceau State [2] Kelssek [2]


Team W D L PTS GF GA GD
Bettia 14 1 2 43 54 24 30
Jeruselem 13 3 1 42 54 22 32
ESF 10 4 3 34 49 27 22
Bostopia 8 3 6 27 23 19 4
Kelssek 7 5 5 26 45 40 5
N. Caesarea 5 4 8 19 26 36 -10
Marceau State 4 4 9 16 26 33 -7
New Propagandia 2 6 9 12 20 30 -10
Lovisa 3 2 12 11 16 42 -26
Collonie 3 0 14 9 17 57 -40


Group 9:
Nedalia [0] Schorteskatascansolani [2]

Zwangzug's e-Lipogram
A quick brown fox jumps with a roving lazy dog...

"Animal" activity is now okay! Though public nudity is taboo, masochism's joining of a list of noncriminal things has found folks rushing to find a sort of clothing obscuring organs with associations with production of humanity. Manufacturing of a four-foot tall collar is now rising in popularity, along with a football kit sporting #42...

As far as football, Zwangzug's squad took on Algal's. First-half goals from Olson and Stings built up a cushion for Zwangzug. That was a lucky thing: slipping in half two had Algal playing hard, scoring a goal of its own. But Zwangzug hung on to win 2-1. It will finish up this World Cup's qualifying round by hosting D2R, a squad it's won against, 1-0. With a possibility of making it to playoff rounds, spirits climb high. Group two fans will also watch burning ants host monopolists for a final cup slot.

Eels Plow Through, May need New Kits

Riailia Magic has done it again as the Eels have secured three points against Coocoostan to put destiny in their own hands on the final matchday, where they will be on home soil entertaining the groups worst side, Kericia. A win would clinch qualification for Turori but a draw or even a loss could achieve the same result depending on the outcome of the Schorteskatascansolani vs. Ropa-Topia matchup.

One thing that has been bugging Turorian fans however is their kits. The ugly ass things Turori has been wearing all cup were made by some ridiculous outfit in Bostopia and were more of a joke as Turori competed in the joke that is the Cup of Harmoy competition. Now, with the World Cup Finals just one win away, the Football Association of Turori has taken notice of the quality of their kits compared with the other nations that have already booked their place for the finals, and are currently looking at other options for their kit supplier should they record the final victory and proceed into the last 32.

The Football Association of Turori are inviting all Kitmakers to present their designs over the coming week, and the best design will be chosen as the Eels new kit.

Playoff Scenarios

There is already two playoff spots clinched. One from group 2, and one from group 3. That leaves 12 teams fighting for 4 spots.

Ropa-Topia - A win, and atleast a playoff spot is guaranteed. A tie, they would need 3 of the following teams to lose, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, and Tessan. A loss and they would need 6 of the following teams to lose, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, and Bostopia.

Spruitland - A win with a loss by anyone of the following, Ropa-Topia, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascansolani, and Liverpool England, would put them in. With a tie, they would need a loss from any 6 of these teams must lose, Ropia-Topia, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, and Bostopia. A loss, and they would need 7 of the following teams to lose, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, Bostopia, Kelssek, Sativaville.

Nebuleux - A win with a loss by any of the following would see them through, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Schorteskatascansolani, and Liverpool England. With a tie they would need a loss from any 6 of these teams must lose, Ropia-Topia, Spruitland, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, and Bostopia. With a loss they would need 7 of the following teams to lose, Spruitland, Schorteskatascansolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, Bostopia, Kelssek, Sativaville.

Schorteskatascanolani - A win with a loss by any of the following would see them through, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, and Liverpool England. With a tie they would need a loss from any 6 of these teams must lose, Ropia-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, and Bostopia. With a loss they would need 7 of the following teams to lose, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, Bostopia, Kelssek, Sativaville.

Liverpool England - A win with a loss by any of the following would see them through, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, and Schorteskatascanolani. With a tie they would need a loss from any 6 of these teams must lose, Ropia-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani , Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, and Bostopia. With a loss they would need 7 of the following teams to lose, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, Bostopia, Kelssek, Sativaville.

Zwangzug - A win with a loss or a tie by 2 of the following teams would let them advance. Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, and Liverpool England. A tie and at least one of these teams would have to lose by more goals then Zwangzug wins bye, also, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, or Bostopia can not win. A loss, and they are eliminated.

Tessan - A win with a loss or a tie by 2 of the following teams would let them advance. Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, and Liverpool England. A tie and at least one of these teams would have to lose by more goals then Tessan wins bye, also, Zwangzug, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, or Bostopia can not win. A loss, and they are eliminated.


Fort Europe - A win with a loss by 4 of the following will clinch a playoff spot, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug or Tessan. A tie or loss, they are eliminated.

Magnus Valerius - A win with a loss by 4 of the following will clinch a playoff spot, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug or Tessan. A tie or loss, they are eliminated.

Bostopia - A win with a loss by 4 of the following will clinch a playoff spot, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug or Tessan. A tie or loss, they are eliminated.

Kelssek - A win with 7 of the following teams losing will advance, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, or Bostopia. A tie or loss and they wont get a playoff spot.

Sativaville - A win with 7 of the following teams losing will advance, Spruitland, Nebuleux, Schorteskatascanolani, Liverpool England, Zwangzug, Tessan, Fort Europe, Magnus Valerius, or Bostopia. A tie or loss and they wont get a playoff spot.

Does Quakmybush have a clue?

A recent report on playoff scenarios published by co-hosts Quakmybush raises questions as to the hosts actual involvement in the competition. Here, a quote from this recent publication:


Schorteskatascanolani - A win with a loss by any of the following would see them through, Ropa-Topia, Spruitland, Nebuleux, and Liverpool England.

Apparently, the hosts have gone on record as stating, that even with a win, Schorteskatascanolani would still need one of four other teams to lose in order to gain a playoff place. This, however, is not accurate. Schorteskatascanolani's playoff fate rests entirely in their own hands. Spruitland, Nebuleux and Liverpool England's results have absolutely no bearing on their ability to clinch a playoff place. This is because Schorteskatascanolani plays Ropa-Topia on the final matchday. By process of deduction, if Schorteskatascanolani meets the first criteria of winning their match, then Ropa-Topia must have lost, guaranteeing the long-named nations place in the playoff irrelevant of the actions of the other three teams.

Likewise, should Ropa-Topia draw in their match, against Schorteskatascansolani, their playoff fate would only depend on 2 teams losing, not three as the Quakmybush report suggests.

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


DECISION IN THE LAST GAME, AND CAFUNDÉU HAS AN ADVANTAGE AS WILL PLAY AWAY

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/638/2179696093gacafea8.jpg
Ke Sho commemorates his goal in the game

If anyone had doubts if Cafundéu really was having a better performance playing away than at home, it was proven now. The team didn’t look the same and, after a well fought first half, succumbed in the second, suffering three avoidable goals and losing an important game. The players seemed to not be comfortable in front of the supporters and couldn’t show all their quality, losing the game.

But the good news is that the last game of the monopolists is in another country, against Northern Bettia. So, the good performance of the team playing away (two draws and no losses) can guarantee the qualifications. Everybody is very confident, as the team is training to avoid the opponent’s dirty tricks. The coach and players didn’t want to talk to the media again, but the director of National Teams talked to us in the end of the game.

THE GAME
Cafundéu and Ariddia started the game with similar styles. Both teams attacked, but the opponents’ defenses were well prepared and could stop most plays. In the first minutes, the home team seemed better, with some good moment and chances. In one of them, Anormal dribbled four opponents, in a magnificent play, and passed the ball to Ganz Ijak who shot, but wide.

When the first half was already reaching its middle, Ariddia started to improve, and Cafundéu had some difficult moments. In one play, al Safi crossed the ball to Komu, who headed the ball to the goal. Vargas made a good save. Cafundéu replied with Kliek in a free kick, but missed too. The game was equal at that time, and nobody could predict the final result.

Ariddia was creating good plays in the centre of the field, using the ability of the midfielders Argentier and Zandberg, who were playing very well. In one chance, Argentier shot from outside the area, and the ball hit the bar. Cafundéu replied with Heitor, who received the ball from Priotto, dribbled Cohen and shot, but Xavier Xu made a marvelous save. Ariddia’s goalkeeper was playing very well.

In the last minutes of the half, Lescrit received the ball from al Safi and dribbled Becão. He was one on one with Vargas, and dribbled the goalkeeper who left the area. Then, Vargas fouled Lescrit and received a yellow card. Ke Sho missed the free kick. Cafundéu replied with Ganz Ijak, who received the ball from Ray Kirs inside the area and shot, but missed. The first half ended.

Ariddia returned to the second half with some changes in the strategy, while Cafundéu continued the same. In the strategy, but not in the attitude. The team seemed very nervous in the game and started to make many mistakes. In one play, Charisteas invaded the area and suffered a violent foul from Vandick, who was sent off. Lescrit shot and scored the goal. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Arrrrriddia started a counterrrrrattack, a good chance for them. Zandberg passes the ball to Charrrrristeas, who invades the arrrrrea. He will shoot... Penalty! Vandick fouled him. And it’s a rrrrred carrrrrd to him! Lescrrrrrit will take the penalty... and it’s a goal! Goal for Arrrrriddia. Lescrrrrrit! Arrrrriddia one, Cafundéu zero, in a penalty kick.”

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/5113/2188325075gacafwf9.jpg
The first half ended in a goalless draw

Braddock had to put Cocada in Brahma’s place, and lost some of its offensive power. So, Ariddia continued the pressure and Cafundéu couldn’t reply, not playing very well. Most of Cafundéu’s counterattacks were uneffective, while Ariddia continued dangerous. Before the thirtieth minute, Mataitai crossed the ball and Zandberg headed to score the goal. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Cafundéu lost the ball again in the midfield, this time with Prrrrriotto. Now it’s Mataitai with the ball, another player who plays herrrre in Cafundéu. He runs to the rrrrright wing, crrrrrrrrrrosses the ball to the arrrrrea, Zandberrrrrg heads it.... and it’s a goal! Goal for Arrrrriddia. Zandberrrrrg! Arrrrriddia two, Cafundéu zero! A powerful counterattack!”

And Ariddia didn’t stop. Taking advantage of the fact that Cafundéu wasn’t playing well at home, and that the supporters started to boo the players of their own team, harming the players’ performance, they started to attack with intelligence, and soon scored another goal. du Valdor shot the ball, Vargas saved, Ke Sho took the rebound and shot, giving no chances to Vargas and scoring another goal. Read Breno Gavião:

“Another mistake by our midfield. The team isn’t the same, rrrrreally. Now Arrrrriddia will attack again, this time with du Valdor. Beautiful shot, Vargas saves! Ke Sho takes the rrrrrebound... and it’s a goal! Goal for Arrrrriddia. Ke Sho! Arrrrriddia three, Cafundéu zero!”

In the last minutes of the game, Ariddia secured the result with a defensive strategy. Cafundéu tried to attack with Renário and Heren Ijak, but they couldn’t score. In the end of the game, even Vargas was sent off after a foul, and Heitor had to play as a goalkeeper for some minutes. The referee ended the game and the players only left the field, frustrated by the loss at home, but still with strong hopes to qualify.

After the game, the coach simply ignored the media, that was already going to criticize him. The players did the same, showing support to Franz Braddock. So, the reporters desperately looked for someone to interview. The director of NTs, Erasmo Carlos Jowenguard, seemed the natural option, as he could give some details of the game.

He talked: “I see no problem about our campaign in the World Cup qualifiers and about Franz Braddock’s performance. He is very important to us and will stay. Do not forget that we’ll qualify with a victory, and I think that this is perfectly possible, as we have a very good campaign playing away. I think that we can go to the World Cup. About their tricks, we’re well prepared, and I think that the referee chosen for the game can have a great influence in the result, if you understand. We’re even consider playing in red for this game, to reply their tricks.”

http://img73.imageshack.us/img73/1425/2188280604gacafnd4.jpg
With this game, Cafundéu proved that plays better away than at home

CAFUNDÉU 0x3 ARIDDIA

Place: Praça Maior, in Cafundó do Juta.
Attendance: 150,000 people (full).
Referee: Don Manik (Cuation).
MOTM: Xavier Xu (Ariddia).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari (Heren Ijak 82’) and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto (Renário 77’), Brahma (Cocada 55’) and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ariddia.png ARIDDIA: Xavier Xu, Mataitai, Eo La, Cohen (Dargeau 60’) and Ke Sho; al Safi (du Valdor 45’), Argentier, Zandberg and Charisteas; Komu (Andrews 88’) and Lescrit.
Coach: that one in the bench.

Goals:ARI: Lescrit 53’ , Zandberg 71’ , Ke Sho 83’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cafundéu – formation for game against Northern Bettia: Durepox, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Wantuirso; Anormal, Priotto, Kliek and Kirs; Heitor, Renário and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +2

Match’s Referee: Shane Propina (Commerce Heights).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goalscorers after 17 games:

13- G. Ijak
7- Heitor
4- Renário and Anormal
3- R. Kliek and H. Ijak
2- Becão
1- J. Kimball, J. Priotto, R. Kirs and J. Brahma

"Typo"=mistyping. "Bye"=day on which team ¬has to play. "By"=preposition in your database, the techie attempted to explain.

"Tie"=win by 0? BOB had not quite made sense of the qualification scenarios.

Um, no...

BE CALM TELEVISION: COMMENTS ABOUT THE LAST TWO GAMES
Commentated by Doctor Santiago Sampaio
With comments of Doctor Verônica Branus
- with in-game comments of Doctor Haroldo Sassarel -

DR. SAMPAIO: “Once again we’re here, in our coverage of the World Cup qualifiers! Today we’ll talk about the games against Kulikovia and Sativaville. We got three points in these games and lost the chances of qualification with only one round to go. But now I’ll invide my friend Verônica to talk!”

DR. BRANUS: “Two different games. In the first, we were better and could easily defeat Kulikovia. In the other, Sativaville was better and could defeat us in our own home, but that’s football. I think that the natural results happened, and no surprises occurred in these games.”

DR. SAMPAIO: “Due to lack of time in our program, let’s go directly to the stats of both games:”

http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/6342/belxkoreixa7.jpg
Araújo is fouled by a Kulikovia player

KULIKOVIA 2x4 ESTRESSE INTENSO

Place: unknown place, in Kulikovia.
Attendance: unknown.
Referee: Van-Der-Lei (Cafundéu).
MOTM: Araújo (Estresse Intenso).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/kulikovia.png KULIKOVIA: no team released.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png ESTRESSE INTENSO: Prunella, Pindaré, Godói, Manga and Flores; Sardinha (Ponte Pênsil 60’), Dumitrache (Eriksson 60’), Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo; Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.

Goals:KUL: Midfielder 55’ , Attacker 58’.
EIT: Gabalán 20’/87’ , Araújo 32’ , Bogdan 60’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://img409.imageshack.us/img409/2576/irexromeikh5.jpg
Adelman commemorates the goal

ESTRESSE INTENSO 0x2 SATIVAVILLE

Place: Sector-Delta Sporting Field, in Insanis.
Attendance: 70,000,022 people (more than half of Landau Institute patients) – using a special room.
Referee: Carlo Mandrack (Squornshelous).
MOTM: Adelman (Sativaville).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png ESTRESSE INTENSO: Prunella, Godói, Marinho (Súrbinov 65’) and Manga; Sardinha, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo; Mendes (César Nobre 55’), Ponte Pênsil and Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sativaville.png SATIVAVILLE: Estorga, Allah, Oharra, Froats and Loogie; Goodier (Non-macher 50’), Heavin, Elvers and Fuda (Muecke 80’); Timmermann and Adelman.
Coach: that one in the bench.

Goals:SAT: Adelman 8’/43’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EIT – next game’s formation: Prunella, Pindaré, Godói, Manga and Flores; Sardinha, Dumitrache, Dos Alpes, Bogdan and Araújo; Gabalán.
Coach: Doctor Haroldo Sassarel.
Style of +1

Match’s Referee: Francescus Grandus (Fort Europe).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goalscorers after 16 games:

13- C. Gabalán
4- V. Dos Alpes and Bogdan
2- F. Ponte Pênsil
1- A. Dumitrache, Araújo and César Nobre

With the Sel Appan win secured against Nebuleux, the odds are strong for the Turtles to qualify. In fact, Sel Appa will qualify even with a draw. Only a deep loss for Sel Appa and enough of a Nebuleux win would stop Sel Appa from qualifying. At this point, it is pretty safe to say that Sel Appa will, indeed qualify. Well, assuming we do, qualifying has some interesting prospects. Coach Charles DuPont who has been facing some criticism for not delivering a qualification would be guaranteed an extension of his contract. It would also increase funding for the FFSA and give the organization more power and clout. Overall, it ensures the continuing success and popularity of football in Sel Appa. It will inspire more to go professional.

Once Sel Appa does qualify, there will be 31 other nations, many of whom are veteran sides that will intimidate the young and inexperienced Turtles. A group draw will be held, with 8 groups of 4. Already official confirmed to have qualified for the World Cup are:
The Archregimancy
Ariddia
Assegai Developments
Az-cz
Bettia
Bazalonia
Casari
Commerce Heights
Elves Security Forces
Errinundera
Geisenfried
Jeruselem
Krytenia
Milchama
Qazox
Quakmybush
Rejistania
Schiavonia
Squornshelous
Tynelia
Wentland
Yafor 2

This still leaves 10 spots, 3 of which are playoff spots. Sel Appa has played a few af these teams before and the overall record against them is 1-1-16. A win in these qualifiers against Rejistania and a draw against Tynelia. This does not bode well for Sel Appa, however all of these matches are at qualification level and the team will likely play better at the World Cup level. Also, there are 14 teams that Sel Appa has not yet played. All in all, the imminent qualification of Sel Appa will be wost eventful and interesting to watch. Good luck Turtles!

Georgetown Nova Stadium, the site of the recent Bazalonian win against The Great Monty Python, however on field was not the only actions that happened during the game at the stadium

4 knights, 4 of their "serfs" and 8 coconut halves appeared at the gates of the stadium.

"Good sir Knight. I'm Arthur King of the Briton's I demand entry to this castle to seek the Holy Grail."

"Tickets?"

"Tickets??" said Arthur "Why don't you ask me about the airspeed velocity of an unladen african swallow. I know that."

"No tickets, no entry. Oh, but I would prefer to know about the airspeed velocity of a laden European Swallow."

"Hmm, I don't know that, perhaps we could come to some sort agreement and you'd let me in?"

"No, Sorry, no ticket, no entry."

"Where do I get these Mysterious tickets of Entry?"

"Over there." the guard said pointing to the ticket booth.

The 4 knights, their 4 serfs and the 8 coconut halves went to the ticketing booth.

"Good Lady, may I please have a ticket of Entry."

"That will be 22 Baz."

"What's a Baz?"

"Money."

"I am Arthur King of the Britons, I don't carry money. I demand that you give me a ticket of Entry immediately!"

"Sorry, now please move along, I someone else is waiting to purchase a ticket."

That was when they had an idea...

"So What's this plan of yours?"

"We get enough wood, construct a Bazalope out of wood hide ourselves in it and then have it taken to the gates of this stronghold and they will gladly accept it as a gift and take it in."

"Uh... Shouldn't we have already been inside it it's been taken up to the gates now."

A brief security scare later in which the Bazalope was blown up by the bomb squad, the rest of the match went happily along and the 4 knights were arrested for weapons offenses (carrying swords around in public) and disturbing the peace. It was later found out they killed numerous bunny rabbits and killed someone by chopping their arms and legs off. They were given a long stint in jail.

Wentland FA
Minutes of meeting 11.53

Present: The Chairman, The Financial Officer, The Shade of Menteith, Lord Autumnbottom, Earl Marjoribanks, Sir Snorri Sturlason, Major Cockup, Mr E Jeffries, Mr Straight G, Mr N Hacker, Miss Widmore (secretary).

The Chairman slept peacefully. EJ declared that this was a veiled comment on the most recent World Cup performance, given the dreadfully dull goalless draw against Spruitland. NH bristled and said it was a fine example of steadfast defence. EJ said there was little need to be steadfast given the fact that Spruitland were equally steadfastly defending against Wentland with the net result that there were precisely two shots all match, and one of them was an assassination attempt. NH said Robinson had to pull off an excellent save and EJ pointed out that this was because Bassett miscued a back-pass to the top corner.

The Shade noted that the moon was looking very red the previous night and SG said this was a Sign of Great Portents. The Major said that this suggested Wentland would not proceed far in the World Cup as it was red rather than blue. NJ said that this merely meant that the splash of red he had introduced to the kits would be successful in the blue sky.

The Chairman awoke declaring something about there being a pile-up in his hallway and then composed himself. He stated that everything was splendid and wished to adjourn the meeting. NH said that they might wish to hand him the perspex and cubic zirconium trophy as Wentland had conceded fewer goals than anyone with merely one match to play. EJ said there was many a slip twixt cup and lip and NH said he had heard that somewhere before. The meeting was nevertheless closed.

MEMORANDUM

From: The Synodical Office for Foreign Affairs [SOFA]

To: The Monastic Football Association

Regarding: Appropriate Lenten Preparations for the World Cup

Following our qualification through a 6-0 thrashing of the worst team in the group, the Holy Synod hereby proclaims to all monastic football fans the words of 1 Corinthians 15:57 "But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ - Благодарение Богу, даровавшему нам победу Господом нашим Иисусом Христом - τω δε θεω χαρις τω διδοντι ημιν το νικος δια του κυριου ημων ιησου χριστου"

But this raises a delicate issue.

As we prepare for the World Cup in either Az-Cz or Quakmybush, are we assured that either nation can guarantee us an appropriately Lenten food supply? If we were to ask the hosts to supply our training camp with what some secularists refer to as a 'vegan' diet for the duration, this should adequately avoid delicate matters of inappropriate food sources through a lack of familiarity with Orthodox fasting requirements. Presumably the Errinundera delegation will be asking for a similar diet, so this shouldn't be too difficult for the co-hosts.

Incidentally, has the full Synod ruled on whether gnomes have souls or not yet?


Yours in Christ,
SOFA Secretariat

The Crimson Blade

Quintessence…Dusted

Despite going down in the 10th minute to Quintessence of Dust, the Riskbreakers of Assegai Developments roared back with three goals to start the second half. And while QOD held the 1-0 lead until the half, it was mostly due to missed opportunities by the trio of Assegai forwards.

Jessica Jensen put QOD on top when she elbowed her way past two Assegai defenders. Although one of them, John Hardin, crumpled to the floor clutching his face, the ref let play go on and Jensen slammed the ball past Assegai keeper Callo Merlose.

There was a small scuffle after Jensen’s goal involving her and Assegai midfielder Agatha Denys. After they were separated, the ref presented Denys with a yellow card, much to the delight of the home crowd.

Assegai had failed to find the goal in the first half, but they came out a lot sharper in the second. Assegai’s resident nutcase, Dominic Saint-Émilion, was able to shake QOD defender and team captain Theodore Littlefellow in the 51st minute and slammed a shot off the face of QOD keeper Winchester Furman that trickled into the net. The shot left Furman bloodied and dazed and he had to be replaced. Benjamin Chan played in his stead.

It didn’t matter who was in goal for QOD, however. Five minutes later, Assegai midfielder Duane Grissom collided with QOD defender Charles Williams, but not before he dished the ball off to forward Ursula Goode, who blasted a shot that curved away from the outstretched fingers of Chan. As the Assegai players celebrated the QOD supporters showered the field with boos and some debris.

Three minutes later, Denys was fouled from behind by Littlefellow just outside the goal area. Denys took the free kick, and fired a shot that deflected off two QOD defenders before slotting into the goal past a confused Chan.

Denys ran toward the endzone and taunted the QOD supporters, who flung almost everything they could at her. The ref didn’t tolerate this, however, and gave Denys her second yellow card and automatic red card ejection. The reaction from the stands was a mix of laughter and boos as Denys left the field with her fist in the air.

Assegai maintained their dominance in the middle of the field and did not allow QOD to get any shots on goal in the second half, they were unable to add to their goal tally.

At the end of the game, the Assegai players rushed off the field as the angry QOD supporters began to hurl fecal matter and bags of urine at the players and security personnel. A few scuffles flared up in the stands between Assegai and QOD supporters, but they were quickly extinguished by stadium security.

As he was exiting the field, Saint-Émilion screamed at the top of his lungs at the stands, “When I raise my flashing sword, and my hand takes hold on judgment, I will take vengeance upon mine enemies, and I will repay those who haze me!” Other Assegai players heard him and dragged him off the field before he could be pelted with excrement from the stands.

Assegai now turns their attention to the final match of qualifying group play, a visit to newcomers Cluichstan.

Match Summary

(UR) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/quintessence_of_dust.png Quintessence of Dust 1
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 3

[QOD]
Jessica Jensen (10’)

[AD]
Dominic Saint-Émilion (51’)
Ursula Goode (56’)
Agatha Denys (59’)

Yellow Cards:
Agatha Denys (10’, 59’)

Red Cards:
Agatha Denys (59’)

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

Elven Times
Make It Ten and We're In

I know most of the lot of you are too hung over or drunk right now to coherently read this, but by Elune, the Marauders plowed their way through Lovisa, and straight on to the Finals! The squad merely needed to beat one of the worst teams in the groups to collect thier due spot in the Proper, but instead of letting off the gas after securing a comfortable three goal advantage, the squad put on a clinic on how to score and embaress your oppenents. The final tally, as lobsided as it is, does not trully reflect how dominant the squad was on this day, although the Lovisans are quite the weaker side talent and expierence wise. I guess what I'm trying to say, although the squad demolished the Lovisa squad and could of likely just made this a true horror fest, the squad should not be too high up on themselves, but still be proud that they have concemated twenty years of hardwork set before them by greats who will never get to taste the sweetness of advancing.

So just who were the scorers you ask. Well, there was the usual threat of Zacharius and Kyla Night, the both of whom scored on almost the exact same type of play in the opening ten minutes. Both of them scored on a corner delivered by the talented Cuellar, with each of them connecting with the ball at the penalty mark, however Zacharius used his patented header to put it past the oppisite numbers keeper, while his lovely wife met it in the air with a precisioned timed volley that screamed death on its way into the netting. The traveling fans, most of whom were members of the Navy Wave, began the Marauders battle cry, while the few supporters the home squad had looked on in shame of how pitiful their side was playing, with even a few heading to the exits despite it being early.

The Great Leader was the next to find the netting, scoring a pair of goals in the thirty-first and thirty-ninth minute, giving the Great Leader some film to add to his career highlights, as both were just so beautifully well first-touched jaw droppers. Due has to be given to Constant and Stone who set up the nations' leader, as their improved play in the second half might be what has righted the ship that was sinking quickly through the first seven matchdays. However, the Marauders are undefeated for the last ten, with only an apocolapyse of a match in Bettia.

The second half continued the offensive displayed, with Cuellar netting a goal in the 56th minute off a reobund sent in from a set piece by Zacharius. The ball flew off the post, but right to Cuellar, who didn't need another second to send it home. He added another assist to his total, with Constant beating his marker after a lob past the backline by Cuellar, took three dribbles, and sent in another one over the shoulder of the distraught keeper. Kiso Night had come in a few minutes later for a tired Raynor, and was the benificary of a bad call by the ref, who award the youngin' a penalty for being somewhat tripped by his marker in the box. He easily tricked the keeper into diving right with a nice little headfake before calmly slotting into the net and giving the homeside supporters even more to groan at. Not satisfied with but the single goal, he broke into full stride and caught up to loose ball in the box, spun out the keeper, and put the ball where it belonged, inticing the hatred of the crowd by fiegning shaving his head and throwing the clippings at the crowd. The shows finally was over when Liliam Kries, whose name is hardly called apart from a great stop or two, was able to send in a corner home firmly with her head, with nothing but cheers coming from the crowd as all of the Lovisa supporters had left by now.

While clinching the berth has left the nation and squad in a state of estacy, their is still the final match to go with Bettia. Going into the match, the squad is riding a ten game unbeaten streak, and they would love nothing more than to ride an eleven game unbeaten streak into the Proper, taking in the momentum that such a feat gives. However, it seems that the desires of the players and fans are being ignored by Revtron, as he is sending out a mixed team of starters and reserves to take on Bettia. Given the circumstances, it's understandable that he need not want to risk injury to the stars, so if the squad is to remain on their streak, they will need to be on top of their game and likely hope for a draw.

Elves Security Forces 9
Zacharius (6)
Kyla Night (9)
Tobias Raynor (31, 39)
Rick Ceullar (56)
Justinian Constant (62)
Kiso Night (70, 74)
Liliam Kries (87)

Lovisa 0

Scorers
Zacharius - 13
Kyla Night - 9
Kiso Night - 6
Nikali Rikard - 5
Rick Cuellar - 5
Justinian Constant - 4
Tobias Raynor - 4
Marsha Stone - 2
Liliam Kries - 1

Article by Luna Santapa

Demot Daily ~ Bartonstein Cooked

It didn't take much, and that's good cause the Dynamo didn't have much to give, to topple Bartonstein and secure at least a spot in the play in, and keep their direct qualification dreams afloat. The squad was in complete lackluster mode after the opening ten, where Masteron found Sarah Ysman for the only goal. The match seemed to be full of players too cautious to try and make a play, with the most boring version of football being played, defensive!!! The Dynamo are supposed to be an attacking squad, but everyone was soo tenative, that a $1,000 purse could of been offered for every attack into the opposing third before the game and the better would not of been out but $4,000. Regardless, the talent of the Dyanmo was enough to get them the victory needed to keep the motor going. The squad now will host the up and coming Cookesland squad, where the reserves will be in place, and likely be enough to get the win. Meanwhile, the Dynamo will be rooting for the Europeans to get back on form and send tlc home with no or only a point, and that would send the Dynamo on directly, without the need of risking their hopes of qualification on drawing a weak side in the play ins.

Article by Jasmine Olyvander

rp cutoff

The Crimson Blade

Finish Strong

That has been the theme all week in the Assegai Developments camp. With the team having secured their spot in the NationStates World Cup XXXIII, the Riskbreakers have been focusing on giving all the bench players some time on the pitch with the aim of giving them experience before the Proper begins.

For the team’s last match at Cluichstan, Assistant Coach Joel Monroy (who will manage the team for one more game) has announced the following roster:

Goaltender
#42 Akihiko Yoshida – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#8 Romeo Guildenstern – (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#4 Francis Rowe – (Sutina Saints, Fort Europe)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#5 Severus Snape – (F.C. Capri, Elves Security Forces)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#18 Stephen de Cobham – (Assegai Developments F.C.)

Most of the starting roster is intact with the exception of defenders Romeo Guildenstern and Francis Rowe, and forward Stephen de Cobham , who might end up on the starting 11 for the Proper.

Upcoming Match

(UR) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cluichstan.png Cluichstan

VS
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

OOC: oops... just missed the cutoff... :o

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/juvanya/qualified.gif

Yes you read it right! Sel Appa has QUALIFIED for the 33rd NS World Cup! All over our great nation, fans cheer, yell, scream, and stomp. Here in Nemenenait Square, there has been a six-hour long party that started an hour before the match. With the much-awaited final match of the qualifiers, expected by all as a win played on a huge screen. When the whistle blew to end the away match at 5-nil, favoring Sel Appa, the crowd erupted in yelling and screaming. Hosted by Dr. Shizzle, the well-known rapper, said "I got one thin' to say: *Y'all ready for this?!*" and the song came on loudspeakers. Fireworks displaying the blue, yellow, and white that represents Sel Appa shot into the air. It was an amazing, adrenaline-filled event.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/juvanya/fireworks.png

Meanwhile, in Philodox Weltschmerz, the Turtles screamed, cheered, and ran around the pitch when the final whistle was blown, knowing they qualified. A stunned coach Charles DuPont dropped his chin and stood up awestruck. Many hugs and back-pats were exchanged as Weltschmerz players congratulated their opponents, trying to make the best out of being at the bottom of the group. The Sel Appan team continued to cheer as they entered th locker room. Even at the hotel, things were not calm, security had to clear the way in advance. Coach DuPont had planned an extra day for the team to relax before returning home to cheering crowds.

http://www.graffitipress.it/Euro2004/20040612Fans/tifosvezia_itasve0138_std.jpg

When the team exited the airplane, they were barraged by thousands of ecstatic fans who overwhelmed security. It took over half an hour for the team to swim through the crowd and get to the bus, which itself had trouble leaving. National Militamen, who had been called in, cleared the way as the bus left for train station, where a train would take the team to FFSA headquarters in Nemnenait.

http://www.sportinglife.com/pictures/general/ukrainefanscelebratereachingworldcup.jpg

“Good afternoon, Assegai Developments, this is Mikaela Eyre reporting live from Cluichstan, where today, the Riskbreakers bowled over the home team 7-1, the biggest victory in Assegai Developments footballing history.

“Despite the bloated score, after the game, players from both sides met at the center circle and exchanged handshakes, well wishes and jerseys.

“The goals were scored as such: Assegai forward Severus Snape, in the 3rd minute; Assegai forward Stephen de Cobham, in the 13th minute; Snape, again, in the 15th minute; Cluichstan goal in the 20th minute; Assegai forward Sidney Losstarot, in the 40th minute; Assegai midfielder and team captain Ashley Riot, in the 52nd minute; Snape, again, in the 60th minute; and de Cobham, again, in the 81st minute.”

As she finishes, Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga approaches Mikaela Eyre.

“Tremendous…” she tells him. “Just tremendous qualifying phase that you just completed. Your thoughts?”

He clears his throat and smiles. “If you had told me that we would have finished second in a group that includes No. 1 Krytenia, Qazox, Vilita and Cuation, I would have though you were mad. However, the team has surprised everyone, including myself. Despite all our accomplishments, I am well aware that in the Proper, we will be treated quite harshly by the more experienced squads. Our only hope is that all the experience our players have garnished over the last few years will allow us to leave our mark on the international footballing landscape.”

“Any word on anyone on a possible starting 11 for the Proper?” she asks.

“No, not yet, Mikaela,” he says with a chuckle. “We’re going to take a break for a few days before we take on the Proper.”

As he finishes this, Assegai forward Samantha Neesa approaches them both.

“Oh…no…” says Mikaela, shaking her head. “Sammie…you’re not planning to do what I think you’re going to do, are you?”

She winks at them then turns to the camera and before anyone could stop her, removes her Assegai Developments top, flashing the camera and revealing a pair of supple, round, honey-kissed breasts.

Surprisingly, the camera rolls on, until she covers herself up again.

“I can’t believe you…we just allowed that to happen,” says Mikaela with a hint of anger in her voice. Sir Knight Zúniga just shakes his head.

“That was for Kiso Night of Elves Security Forces,” says Sammie timidly. “I wanted to congratulate him and his team for making the Proper, and I was just holding true to a promise I made.”

Mikaela shakes her head. Sir Knight Zúniga shakes his head.

Assegai forward Dominic Saint-Émilion runs by them, completely naked and screaming.

“Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown!” he screams. “One lion asked the other ... ‘Does this taste funny to you?!’”

Sammie shakes her head. Mikaela shakes her head. Sir Knight Zúniga shakes his head.

The camera fades to black.

Match Summary

(UR) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cluichstan.png Cluichstan 1
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 7

[CLU]
??? ???? (20’)

[AD]
Severus Snape (3’, 15’, 60’)
Stephen de Cobham (13’, 81’)
Sidney Losstarot (40’)
Ashley Riot (52’)

PORTIA.
Thus hath the candle singed the moth.
O, these deliberate fools! when they do choose,
They have the wisdom by their wit to lose.

--Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice Act II, Scene 9

Amda-Mo: And so the team finishes with a loss to an incredibly in form Bettian team. 8 straight wins to finish qualifying and they handled us easily as well.

Lur-Mn: Not to mention that they hadn't lost since match day four and only a draw against Jeruselem kept them from perfect in that stretch.

Amda-Mo: So what happened today?

Lur-Mn: We just ran into an excellent team playing great football. They were swatting aside good teams like Elves Security Forces and Kelssek as they put this run together. Today they were just locked in.

Amda-Mo: Should we be worried about our defense?

Lur-Mn: Yes and no. Of course this is both a young defense and without the chance to mature through qualifiers, but I don't think it's a great worry. A lot of teams have had struggles slowing down Bettia when they're in form. They put in four goals against Elves Security Forces in their final game as well.

Amda-Mo: Should we really be comparing ourselves to a team like Elves Security Forces?

Lur-Mn: Well, maybe not, but they are a strong team. Yes we must aim higher as we'd really like to at least make the knockouts and possibly much more here in front of home fans but the point is that Bettia on a good day can do that to a team. We just have to regroup from this.

Amda-Mo: How about on the other side of the ball?

Lur-Mn: Ip-Gp and Pizelkaxrovsky are looking great together. Bettia was lucky we only scored twice and the offense looks fine going into the finals.

Amda-Mo: So where's the team at now that the main part of qualifiers has finished.

Lur-Mn: Hard to say. I think the pieces are all there and the teams certainly had it's moments. It's just hard to say. I think Az-cz fans should be cautiously optimistic.

Amda-Mo: Now let's look at the three playoff matches. First up is The Lowlands Clans against Tessan.

Lur-Mn: The Lowland Clans are probably disappointed to be here while Tessan came on huge after not competing last cup. We understand that Tessan is competing in memory of their fallen king. Seeing as how they rallied to get here and The Lowland Clans just missed direct qualifying, which they would have done if they could have beaten Fort Europe in their last match, momentum rests with Tessan. Of course, The Lowland Clans have the football pedigree and really have played great after their rough start. Tessan will certainly be the underdog, but they have the tenacity and fight to pull the big upset.

Amda-Mo: Next up is Northern Bettia versus Ropa-Topia.

Lur-Mn: Northern Bettia has shown great skill as well as a devious cunning these qualifiers. A beating suffered at the hands of Cafundeu in their last match prevented them from qualifying directly. However they came from a very difficult group and still locked up a playoff spot very early. Ropa-Topia is in the position they always seem to find themselves in, looking up at Turori just outside of qualification. They looked like they might qualify but with three final matches against Squornshelous, Commerce Heights and Schorteskatascansolani they just couldn't hold off the Eels. Thanks to this qualification system they've got one extra shot. Let's see if they can use it.

Amda-Mo: The third playoff match is Spruitland hosting Nebuleux.

Lur-Mn: This is the only match that I feel strongly will go a certain direction. I just can't see the Rabbits losing to Nebuleux. They're only here cause there entire group was so poor. Only Rejistania and Errinundera really looked strong from that group. Meanwhile Spruitland did a good job dealing with in form teams like Casari, Oliverry and Wentland. I say Spruitland in a walk here.

Amda-Mo: Well that's all the time we have for tonight. Good night.

Bangkok Scoresheet
Futbal tem wins...∨¬

The futbal tem bet Dans2revolu10 2-0, w/homton boys Stings & Maughum scoring ethur sid of 1/2 tim. But the win was biterswet

?? r u trying 2 stel reders from the Regenc agan??

yes!

as not onli did Tesan and Ropa-Topia kwalifi over Zwangzug despit having =records, but if ur reding this w/o being overthron, we didn't hav a revolu10 ethur. Just another boring day.

...Now what.

Cup of harmony.

Harmony? I'l giv u harmony...

That (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/32/Tritone.mid)'s a *#@% tritone??!!...

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ariddia.png Ariddia 4-0 Tanah Burung http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/tanah_burung.png

In, but with a challenge ahead

Ariddia gave team Tanah Burung a warm welcome for the final match of the qualifying stages, and supporters of the two sides mingled freely in the stadium, streets and pubs. The two nations have much in common, and Ariddian coach al Jahdali said that it was “a real pleasure” to host these opponents.

All the more so, of course, since Ariddia went on to win the match by four goals to nil. Ariddia’s performance in the closing stages of qualifying – seven goals scored and none conceded in the final two games – will have gone some way towards reassuring fans, concerned that the Rouge-et-Noirs have been slipping since the last Cup four years ago. Ariddia tops group 2, but finishes in ninth place at the close of qualifying. Hardly an encouraging sign.

“This Cup is going to be very, very open,” team captain Chloé al Safi said. “There’s a whole list of countries that could win it. I wouldn’t want to start placing any bets. Schiavonia, Qazox, Jeruselem. . . And many others.”

In group 2, Ariddia is joined by the Archregimancy and Cafundéu; Zwangzug, alas, finishes fifth, while Tanah Burung is in last place but one. Errinundera, with forty points, are in comfortably, but Ropa-Topia, sadly, finish just short of a qualifying spot – and move into play-offs, against “arch-cheats” Northern Bettia. Unless they can scrape through, the only Ropa-Topian in the final stages will be Cassie Lee (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Cassie_Lee), playing for Ariddia.

“We’ll all be supporting Ropa-Topia very strongly,” Lee said. “We’d love to see them join us!”

“The refereeing had better be good,” her team mates John Andrews added. “If R-T are cheated out of a qualifying spot, a lot of people are going to be very angry. And quite rightly so.”

And Ariddia itself?

“We can be confident in ourselves, but definitely not over-confident,” al Jahdali summed up. “We’re going to have some very tough competition.”

NSWC 33 RP Post No. 32

HOJJAU 'SOHNA
FAILED AGAIN

Report By Amy Bystander, Commonwealth News.

This is it from me for another cycle at the NationStates World Cup as the Fort Europe national football team failed once again to qualify for the World Cup finals. The team played bravely in their last two matches beating Harlesburg by a Karl Isaak hat trick to one last week, followed by today's two all draw at home to the Lowland Clans who have improved somewhat since loosing to Fort Europe in that massive annihilation earlier in the tournament. With Fort Europe out of the tournament however Stuart Moss has kept his promise to the fans by submitting his resignation which will come into effect at the end of the YoungWorld International league season. Moss has brought the team a long way since taking over as manager four cycles ago, and will no doubt be missed by many players and supporters a like, though he is certain to return to domestic football in the near future.

Also leaving the national side will be team captain Tim Forrester who will retire from football at the end of the domestic season and go into management himself. Other team changes are also expected under the new management though these remain to be seen with names such as Harry Lomez, manager of Sirus Athletic and Ian Rell of Fortress FC on the short list for Moss's replacement. There is even a rumor of former international Adrian Nohoper taking over after he retired from domestic football at the end of last season. Elsewhere of course the likes of Elves Security Forces, Demot and Assegai Developments all qualified for the finals through shire dumb luck as far as this reporter is concerned. Turruth Gordur and Random Toast were not so fortunate fininshing well down the running in their respective groups. As for the next World Cup, Fort Europe will be hoping they can win the Commonwealth Trophy for their third cycle running and make it back for the 34th NSWC which should be even easier this time round as the Trophy's runner up will also qualify to compete in the World Cup qualifiers.

Thankyou for reading throughout this world cup, and remember if you missed a report you can download them all by registering at www.cnsport.cnet/football. I'll leave you now with some of my favorate photo's from this world cup.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/0023.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/0116.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/SgtShezz/Football/019.jpg

The Enlightener: slip in my clip, automatic fully loaded
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

Aroras Arrive In Style

Az-Cz...............2 (Ip-Gp 34, EE-Or 52)
Bettia................4 (A.Busilanta 17, Abdul-Nur 46 87, Sabitha 61)

Things are looking rosy for Bettian football right now. After pulling off an impressive victory over fellow qualifiers Elves Security Forces, who had beforehand been rampant to say the least, Bettia had finished in top spot in Group One, chipping in with thirteen wins out of their last fourteen games. And so their preparations for the World Cup proper began by jetting out to Az-Cz for what proved to be a cracking friendly against the co-hosts.

Team boss Stuart Abdul-Rahim has been left with a dilemma that every team boss dreams off, with competition for first team spots becoming more and more intense, especially up front. Andi, Budi and Peri, the Busilanta brothers, have been in fine form scoring 36 of the team's 58 goals, but the other three strikers, Abdul-Nur, Sabitha and Abramson, have impressed when given the opportunity. However, with Budi Busilanta nursing a tweaked calf and his fellow triplet Peri being rested on the bench, Abdul-Rahim experimented by starting Andi Busilanta, Malik Abdul-Nur and Sonny Sabitha together.

Although they lacked the fluency and incisiveness of the three brothers, their recent good form began to shine in an opening period which saw both teams starting quickly out of the blocks. EE-Or had a good early chance well-saved by Ellis in the Bettian goal whilst at the other end, Sabitha saw a scuffed shot somehow creeping past the keeper only to be cleared off the line.

It was only a matter of time before the deadlock was broken, and to say it was broken in spectaculat style would be a major understatement. Bettia had won a corner after Abdul-Nur's shot was tipped around the post by Gn-Lg. Barry Scott played the ball short to Jon Deverill on the wing, whose low pass found Andi Busilanta in the area with his back to goal. The Perumnasih forward flicked the ball up, then acrobatically struck a peach of an overhead kick past the unaware goalkeeper to send Bettia one-nil up.

Despite the quality of the goal, the home side weren't deterred by going behind and they continued to create opportunities, forcing the Aroras to do what every Bettian hates doing - defending. Levesque saw a shot flash inches wide, and Ip-Gp was denied by a fine last-ditch tackle from Ismail. However, he soon made amends by firing in a low shot that deflected off Hisham Azmi, sending the teams in level at half-time.

Bettia soon found themselves in front straight from the restart, after a long ball form Scott bypassed the Az-Czid six-man midfield to find Malik Abdul-Nur with a bit of space. After beating off the challenge from the lone sweeper, he made no mistake in dinking the ball over the goalkeeper to send the Aroras ahead.

Sadly for the large number of Bettian fans who made the short-ish journey, that advantage only lasted six minutes as the home side made their home ground advantage count. Roared on by a passionate and loud following, EE-Or pulled Az-Cz back on level terms thanks to a right-foot thunderbolt that crashed into the top corner to send their fans into raptures.

However, one thing that the Aroras have demonstrated recently is a never-say-die attitude. Whereas in the past they would have let a major setback like this be their undoing, they have found a resolve which has seen them claw their way back from difficult situations, and this was no exception. Just after the hour makr, Sonny Sabitha showed just why he had gained a reputation as a goal-poacher, showing up at just the right time to tap in a low cross from Bandasera.

From that point on, Bettia gained in confidence and began to exert more control over the game. Abdul-Nur and substitue Kurniawan both went tantalisingly close, and Barry Scott saw one of his trademark free-kicks rattle the crossbar. It wasn't until the eighty-firts minute that Malik Abdul-Nur had this game well and truly sewn up after intercepting a slack ball across the back and rounding the keper to put a final gloss on this match.

After this morale-boosting win, the Aroras set up camp in their training base located deep in the Az-Cz countryside, making preparations for the World Cup proper as they await the draw for the group stages, and ready to jet off to Quakmybush should the need arise.


Fixtures / Results

Friendly

FR: Az-Cz...................Away....W 4-2

Qualifying Group 1

01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away....W 5-3
16: Lovisa..................HOME....W 1-0
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away....W 3-0
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME....W 4-1

<announcer’s voice comes over the air as the camera zooms in on the anchorman> “This…is TNN.”


“Hello everyone this is Miles Nelson from the Tynelian News network studios where as everyone knows its election day. In one of the most wide open fields in history we had seven candidates get at least 1% of the vote, a first in Tynelian history. With 98% of the prescient reporting in it seems that after a back and forth night we finally have a winner. With a huge 43-31% edge in the capital of Tyr Socialist candidate and vice president Andre Sallas rallied from a midpoint deficit to finish with 40.5% of the vote to the Dominionan Jack Mallack’s 39.2% and TNN has declared Sallas to be the winner and next President of Tynelia.

“As for the fringe candidates the best of the lot proved to be the newly formed Truth Party’s Mike McPhee who finished with 10.6% of the vote. A solid showing for a new party who’s strength rested in the smaller towns and his anti-soccer stance hurt him in the big cities of Damak,Varrik and Tyr, each of which has invested large sums of money in their soccer stadiums. Next was the Progressive Party for Progress and Lionel Douglas with 3.1%, followed by Samuel Tinks and the Peace Party with 2.9%, Jarred Sylar with 2.1% and Bill Douglas who all but abandoned his campaign but still managed 1.5%. Of these only McPhee managed to qualify for government funding in the next election by reaching the 7% mark in the total vote.

“Moving on to other news, the Tynelia soccer team completed its greatest run ever finishing off an undefeated second half by avenging their lone loss at the hands of the Great Monty Python by a 1-0 margin. Playing the reserves almost the entire match player/coach Jay Masterson fittingly enough put in the lone goal at the 79th minute to come away with the win.

“With this win, Tynelia sets team records for the most points ever earned in group play with 45 points which also had them tied for fourth most points out of every nation entered this time around. While its 40 goals was only 32nd best, it still shattered the old team record of 31 set last Cup. Connor MacDougal tied Jay Masterson’s team record with 11 goals this Cup, after which Coach Masterson was quoted as saying anything else he adds from here needs an asterisk because Masterson didn’t get to play in the cup proper to pad his numbers as he put it. Both MacDougal and Bill Jakes moved past Alan MacDougal for third and second respectively in all time scoring trialing only Masterson.

“Defensively the team rebounded after a slow and shaky early going finishing with the third stingiest defense in the entire Cup allowing them to finish in a tie for 18th best goal differential despite the team’s slightly above average offensive numbers. They finished the run one of only three teams to get by with a single loss, a mark only three other teams bettered by going undefeated.

“Surprises this Cup were plentiful. Newcomers Northern Bettia surprised a lot of people by making it to the final six head to head knockouts for the last three spots. Assegai Development’s strong second place finish and 10th place finish in overall points also confounded many of the experts who did not have them ranked that highly. Of course Tynelia’s own run and early clinching of a playoff berth certainly raised some eyebrows as far as pure shock value went. Nebuleux, who’s press corps was silent this whole way, finds itself in the final six knockouts as do the out of nowhere rally of the Tessan squad who pulled off a 5-0 win on the final day and jumped over Liverpool England of all teams to grab the final spot in the lucky six by edging equally surprising Zwangzug by a slim 2 goal differential.

“Liverpool England was just one of the many surprises among the top teams who fell short this time. New Montreal States, a team expected to contend for the top spot this cup was never in contention and finished a distant fifth in the group. Perennial power Starblaydia suffered a shocking 6 losses in group play and barely held onto the third spot in their group. Defending champs Krytenia had four losses themselves but were never really threatened for their third place spot in their group, while Cuation had a disappointing run after they edged Tynelia last cup to advance. Fmjphoenix also never got a run going and find themselves on the outside looking in. Truly a qualification run of shockers.

“So now we just have to wait along with president-elect Sallas for the final three teams to be determined and the cup proper draw can begin. Moving back to the election numbers….”

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


GOOD PERFORMANCE AWAY SHOWS CAFUNDÉU’S POWER, NOW QUALIFIED

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/588/4697065262gacafgp4.jpg
Players commemorate the good victory away

Cafundéu went to Northern Bettia with the chance to qualify with a win. After a difficult game, the monopolists got the place in the World Cup with a great victory conquered in the second half, with a good difference of four goals. Playing better in the opponent’s field, the team is ready to make a good campaign in the World Cup, as the media-coach relationship is more calm.

Northern Bettia tried to use their dirty tricks against the visitors, but the referee did a great job sending off three home team players, even when they didn’t do nothing too bad. Cafundéu didn’t have problems with their style of game and could score six goals. Northern Bettia’s players complained about the referee from Commerce Heights, but Cafundéu denied any possiblity of bribe or something like that.

THE GAME
Cafundéu, to provoke the opponent and get revenge from what they did when they played in Cafundéu, decided to use their red kit to play against the Fire Ants. Of course the home team didn’t like the situation, and became furious. This strategy helped Cafundéu, who could show all its ability to reply them with good counterattacks and intelligent plays.

The first goal was scored by the visitors, in a good counterattack. Wantuirso took the ball from an attacker and passed the ball to Ray Kirs. The left-back, who was playing as a midfielder, dribbled Yoiko and crossed the ball to the area. Heitor jumped and hit the ball with his leg, giving no chances for the goalkeeper and scoring the first goal of the game. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“We are rrrrreaching to the fifteenth minute of the firrrrrst half. Kirrrrrs rrrrreceive the ball from Wantuirrrrrso in the midfield, drrrribbles an opponent, crrrrrrrrrrosses the ball to the arrrrrea... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Look at the replay! Heitor, number eleven! Cafundéu one, Norrrrrthern Bettia zero!”

But after some minutes, Northern Bettia scored. The team started a counterattack after Renário tried to simulate a penalty. Hiyashibara received the ball in the attack and passed it to Devanallt, who dribbled the goalkeeper Durepox and hit the ball to score the goal. The supporters of Cafundéu stopped to sing and just saw the opponents commemorating. Read Breno Gavião:

“Rrrrrrrrrrenário is invading the arrrrea, he falls! No penalty? Now Norrrrrthern Bettia starts the counterrrrrattack, Hiyashibara passes the ball to Devanallt, he drrrribbles Durrrrrepox... it’s a goal! Goal for Norrrrrthern Bettia! Devanallt! Norrrrrthern Bettia one, Cafundéu one!”

Cafundéu had to reply fast, as only the victory could qualify the visitors. And the reply came fast, with a defender. A free kick was awarded near the goal. Kliek crossed the ball to the area and Becão headed it strength to score the goal. Excited, he started to cry, as he goal could be the goal of qualification. Breno Gavião commented:

“Frrrrree kick awarded to Cafundéu. Kliek will take it. He is thinking. He will crrrrrross. The ball is going to the arrrrea, Becão jumps to head it! Look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Look again in the replay! Becão, number four! Cafundéu two, Norrrrrthern Bettia one!”

The second half of the first half had some good chances for both teams. Northern Bettia tried to cheat to get a good chance, but the referee ignored them completely. The first red card of the game happened in the last minutes, when Hiyashibara dived and received directly the red card. Cafundéu replied with Ganz Ijak, who received the ball from Anormal and shot, but the goalkeeper saved. The first half ended with Cafundéu winning.

Cafundéu was in a very comfortable result, and decided to maintain the same team and strategy. Both teams returned to play the second half, and Cafundéu didn’t take a long time to score. Renário fell inside the area and the referee marked a penalty. Ganz Ijak took it and score the third goal of Cafundéu in the game. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Rrrrrrrrrrenário invades the arrrrea, falls! PENALTY! For Cafundéu! Red card for Idasenai! Ganz Ijak will take it, he prrrrrepares, shoots... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Here is the replay! Ganz Ijak, number nine! Cafundéu three, Norrrrrthern Bettia one! Now Cafundéu has two players more than the opponent!”

http://img158.imageshack.us/img158/6852/4693040267gacafmb0.jpg
Northern Bettia players commemorate second goal

Northern Bettia made a change in the team, and Cafundéu replied with two. With these changes, both teams differed their styles, and Northern Bettia was able to try to start a reaction. Koizumi shot from outside the area, Durepox saved, but gave the rebound directly to Noboshine, who had just to shot to score the fifth goal of the game. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Koizumi gets the ball near the arrrrrea. He prrrrrepares, shoots... Durepox saves! Noboshine takes the rrrrrebound, shoots! It’s a goal! Goal for Norrrrrthern Bettia! Noboshine! Norrrrrthern Bettia two, Cafundéu three!”

But Cafundéu was excellent in the game, and could score again in the thirtieth minute. Anormal shot from outside the area, the ball hit the bar, Heitor headed in the rebound, but the goalkeeper saved. In the rebound, Ganz Ijak headed and scored another goal for Cafundéu, commemorating and asking the Northern Bettia supporters to shut up. Read Breno Gavião:

“Cafundéu with another strrrrrong attack, this time with Anorrrrrmal. He shoots, the ball hits the bar! Heitor gets the rrrrrebound, heads... Ozeki saves! Ganz Ijak has the opportunity to scorrrre... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Let’s wait for the rrrrreplay! Ganz Ijak, number nine! Cafundéu four, Norrrrrthern Bettia two!”

Just two minutes later, Ganz Ijak showed again why he is undispensable for the team, scoring important goals in important games. In a fast counterattack, Anormal fouled two players to take the ball. The referee ignored it, and the giant passed the ball to Ganz Ijak, who dribbled a defender and shot to score his third goal in the game. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Anorrrrrmal comes, drrrrribbles two opponents who fall in the grrrrround. He makes a long pass to Ganz Ijak, the strrrrriker drrrrribbles an opponent, shoots... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Come to me, replay! Ganz Ijak, number nine! Cafundéu five, Norrrrrthern Bettia two!”

Soon, Cafundéu scored again. Ganz Ijak dribbled two players and passed the ball to the middle of the area, where Renário shot and scored the last goal of the game. After an exciting second half, Propina ended the game and Cafundéu could commemorate the qualification. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“And the game ended! Cafundéu is qualified for another World Cup. Commemorate! We’re in after a marrrrrvelous game against Norrrrrthern Bettia, a convincing victory by the rrrrresult of six against two!”

After the game, some players talked with the press. Becão said: “The result was wide, but this wasn’t an easy game especially during the first half. I’m happy to qualify.” Anormal commented: “We deserved. We worked hard to get this hard victory, and now I’ll prepare myself to do the best that I can in the proper World Cup.”

Ganz Ijak commented: “Three goals. Excellent for me and for the team, as we could get this qualification playing away. Now we’ll try to make a good campaign in the World Cup, maybe even try to qualify for a second stage, why not?” The coach Franz Braddock made a short comment, as usual: “We’re qualified, that’s what you want, so I think that I can have some peace for a moment.”

http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/1897/4636672189gacafbe9.jpg
Cafundéu provocated the opponents playing with the red kit

NORTHERN BETTIA 2x6 CAFUNDÉU

Place: unknown place, in Northern Bettia.
Attendance: unknown.
Referee: Shane Propina (Commerce Heights).
MOTM: Ganz Ijak (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/northern_bettia.png NORTHERN BETTIA: Ozeki, Idasenai, Yoiko, Megumi and Hanahairo (Saotama 60’); Kyobu, Koizumi, Sakasayou and Noboshine (Iyopa 78’); Hiyashibara and Devanallt.
Coach: Iwan Oban.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Durepox, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Wantuirso; Anormal, Priotto (Brahma 60’), Kliek and Kirs (Kimball 60’); Heitor, Renário (Cocada 82’) and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

Goals:NBE: Devanallt 21’ , Noboshine 68’.
CAF: Heitor 13’ , Becão 25’ , Ganz Ijak 56’/75’/77’ , Renário 80’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goalscorers after 18 games:

16- G. Ijak
8- Heitor
5- Renário
4- Anormal
3- R. Kliek, Becão and H. Ijak
1- J. Kimball, J. Priotto, R. Kirs and J. Brahma

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

UNBEATEN!!!!
Krytenia- 1 QAZOX-3

A 3-1 win over #1 Krytenia, leave Qazox as one of 3 unbeatens, and the 2nd best overall qualifing record at an amazing 15-3-0, only behind Schiavonia's 16-2-0 mark. The offense, which in the past was one of the main reasons the Black Oxen stuggled, finished with the 3rd most goals with 63 or an average of 3.50 per game. The defense and goal-keeping, which has always been solid, allowed only 19 goals, just over 1 per match at 1.05. So what does this tell us about the Oxen? That finally they learned how to score, and more than 1 a match. It'll be a week or so to have the play-in games take place, and after that the waiting ends as Qazox finds out where and who they will play.


Scoring Summary:
Qazox: Clay (11,12,13) 43', 62, 79'
Krytenia: Liam PLATT: 56'
CARDS: Krytenia: None
Qazox: None

<Dazza Dallas at a big party>

Dazza: Hi, this is THE FOOTBALL LIFE. I'm Dazza Dallas at the Jeruselem team's qualification party for the World Cup 33! As you all know Jeruselem finished 2nd in Group 1, behind our friends Bettia with the Elves taking 3rd spot. Our other friends Nedalia did not qualify but they did win their last game. I'm with my man here.
Finn: Hi everyone.

Dazza: Was there any doubt we would qualify there honey?
Finn: No Dazza, Tunk did a great job with just one loss.

Dazza: My man here is now a well househusband these days, being retired and not playing football. That's while I'm earning the money, but that's how he wants it.
Finn: I'd rather stay at home with the kids. Dazza can earn more money that I can.

Dazza: Hey, RipperStickU is here too. Come over here Ricky!
Ricky: Hey, looking fine there Dazza. Oh Wayne did a great job as my replacement.

Dazza: So, you think we have a chance of winning the cup this time around Ricky.
Ricky: For sure, team is good shape and I'm sure we'll make the quarterfinals at least.

Dazza: You two talk for a while, I have to talk to Tunk and wife over there

<Runs off to a tall man and short woman>

Dazza: Hey there Tunk. Looking happy!
Tunk: Yes, we qualified and look forward to a finals campaign.

Dazza: So Gerty, you confident your man can lead the Jeruselem to glory at the world Cup 33?
Gerty: Well, I don't expect to win but I'm sure we won't make a fool of ourselves.

Dazza: 10 years together, small woman and big man - how does the relationship work?
Gerty: Just like yours. We know what we need to do and we do it. This opposites thing works for us and you too.

Dazza: Spending some time together before the real deal?
Tunk: Yes, family is important as well know in Jeruselem. I think you know that too Dazza.

Dazza: Planning any changes to our tactics?
Tunk: Not really, just make sure we defend better and score more goals. Nothing special, just better execution and less slacking.

Dazza: Gerty, no kids - what's the go?
Gerty: well, with me so small and him so big it's well awkward but we'll get it right. If I need help, I'll ask the expert - you.

Dazza: I have to speak to the Kools, you two have fun and don't doing things Dazza does.
Gerty: I've done a few things like that too. I'm no angel.

<Runs off to an older couple>

Dazza: Hi guys, looking forward to the real part of the world Cup 33?
Harry: Oh hi here Dazza. I see you haven't aged much.
Rachel: Still look like a schoolgirl even if you are over 30.

Dazza: Thanks, but it's down my mum. She has good genes.
Harry: The team, we started really well but slowed down a little in the 2nd half. I think all that resting unsettled the latter teams. No more experimentation for the finals I say
Rachel: I think Dazza just distracted them too much! With all that nudity.

Dazza: Some good young players ready for the big time?
Harry: I'm impressed with that Dinkie girl. She's making mistakes but she's learning fast. She's got a turn of speed like you and well has the talent. Don't know about leadership.
Rachel: Your friend Monique has impressed me. She doesn't score a lot, but she is a provider. I like the way she sneaks past the opponents when they are slacking.

Dazza: And what about my niece, Rashina Dallas.
Harry: She could do with a little calming down. She likes to berate her fellow defenders a lot. she's got the passion but not all the control.
Rachel: She seems a different person on the field, I don't know if that's just the way she approaches the game.

Dazza: OK Rachel, is Dinkie my true replacement?
Rachel: As a football player, no. You are a unique talent and she's not going be like you as a leader. As a media personality, she's definitely a match. She's cute and not scared to talk about herself. She's got good theatrics too. A nice voice too.
Harry: These ex-cheerleaders are everywhere these days.

Dazza: Oh lookie, here is Monique. Looking slinkie. That from your work wardrobe?
Monique: Hi, not at slinky as you Dazza. You going pick someone up tonight?

Dazza: Depend how drunk I end up.
Monique: I don't you haven't even started yet, and you're slinking around already.

Dazza: Well, I guess I have to restrain myself.
Rachel: Not likely here Dazza.
Harry: We'll have to keep an eye on you there.

Monique: Especially when it's late.
Dazza: You guys know me too well. Well, that's from the FOOTBALL LIFE. It's party time and well I hope you folks out there party as hard I party.

Monique: Just keep your clothes on folks unlike Dazza.
Dazza: I'm better stay from Ricky then!

Rachel: I think Monique here is going try to get Ricky instead.
Monique: It's a single girls job.

Playoff RP Cutoff

Here is the draw for the finals of World Cup 33. As we haven't recieved official notice from Schiavonia about which nation they would like to be placed in we have guessed that they would rather be in Az-cz based on information recieved and have placed them there. Here are the groups. The teams in group rank, based on the number of points they recieved in qualifiers is listed in parentheses next to the team name.

Group A

Bazalonia (3)
Quakmybush (1)
Oliverry (4)
Ariddia (2)

Group B

Wentland (3)
The Lowland Clans (4)
Geisenfried (2)
Qazox (1)

Group C

Commerce Heights (1)
Alasdair I Frosticus (3)
Elves Security Forces (4)
Casari (2)

Group D

Turori (4)
Rejistania (2)
Bettia (1)
Yafor 2 (3)

Group E

Northern Bettia (4)
Milchama (2)
Demot (3)
Az-cz (1)

Group F

Sel Appa (4)
Cafundeu (3)
Jeruselem (1)
Assegai Developments (2)

Group G

Tynelia (1)
Spruitland (4)
Squornshelous (2)
Krytenia (3)

Group H

Errinundera (3)
Schiavonia (1)
Archregimancy (2)
Starblaydia (4)

All groups will use the following schedue, where the numbers refer to the listed order, NOT the listed rank:

1v4, 2v3
1v3, 2v4
1v2, 3v4

So for example Group A has matches:

Bazalonia v Ariddia, Quakmybush v Oliverry
Bazalonia v Oliverry, Quakmybush v Ariddia
Bazalonia v Quakmybush, Oliverrry v Ariddia

Venues and further information will be coming from each host shortly.

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

NO RESPECT!!!


We finish with the 2nd best record in qualifing, and get the GROUP OF DEATH as our reward? Good. The tougher the road we have to climb, the better, as we preview our group. The numbers only mean the rank according to points earned, not the group seed.

GROUP B In Quakmybush

Wentland (3)
The Lowland Clans (4)
Geisenfried (2)
Qazox (1)


Our first match will be against Wentland, our rivals in the Women's World Cup (ooc: sorry about the plug), whom we'll be meeting for the first time since the 2nd Draggonnii Inviyattii almost 20 years ago. We stunned them 2-1 back then, and since both have advanced to the Cup, but have not had much success, as we were 0-1-2 in our only appearance 8 years ago, while Wentland was 0-1-2 4 years ago and 0-0-3 way back at World Cup 26. So two teams that have not won a World Cup match will face off to start that Cup. A classic match-up of good offense vs. good defense.

Qazox's record Vs: 1-0-0
Qualifing Stats: GF (RANK) GA (RANK) Record/finish
Qazox: (63 GF- 3rd) (19GA- 5th) 15-3-0, 1st in Group 4
Wentland: (37GF- t33rd) (14 GA- 1st) 13-2-3, 2nd in Group 6


The second match for the Black Oxen will be against The Lowland Clans, who hosted World Cup 31and had to back into the Cup this time beating Tessan in a playoff. The two teams have met only once, 12 years ago in the Round of 16 at the 22nd Cup of Harmony. TLC won that match 2-0. TLC has been in quite a few World Cups, hosting the 31st, and making the Semifinals 4 years ago. A very tough match for Qazox, but winnable.

Qazox's record Vs: 0-0-1
Qualifing Stats: GF (RANK) GA (RANK) Record/finish
Qazox: (63 GF- 3rd) (19 GA- 5th) 15-3-0, 1st in Group 4
The Lowland Clans: (49 GF- t19th) (27 GA t31st) 11-3-4, 4th in Group 3, won playoff vs. Tessan 5-1.

The third and Final match for Qazox is Geisenfried, who hosted the Cup 4 years ago. The two sides have never met. Geisenfried, made the Quarterfinals in the last Cup after a prolonged absence from the international stage. Both sides are out to prove something; Qazox, that it's here to stay in the upper echelon of the world, and Geisenfried, to show the world that they are truly back. This match may prove the best of the three, as each side boasts a good offense, but the Black Oxen's defense is just slighty better.

Qazox's record Vs: 1st meeting
Qualifing Stats: GF (RANK) GA (RANK) Record/finish
Qazox: (63 GF- 3rd) (19 GA- 5th) 15-3-0, 1st in Group 4
Geisenfried: (59 GF- t5th) (24 GA t19th) 13-3-2, 1st in Group 8

So our computer projection for the Group goes like this:

Qazox 1-Wentland 1
Geisenfried 2- TLC 2

Geisenfried 0- Wentland 1
Qazox 3- TLC 2

Geisenfried 1- Qazox 1
Wentland 2- TLC 2

QAZOX 1-2-0 5pts 5/4 +1
Wentland 1-2-0 5pts 4/3 +1
TLC 0-2-1 2pts 6/7 -1
Geisenfried 0-2-1 2pts 3/4 -1

Your Official Holy Empire World Cup Commemorative Programme

THE MAMMOTH COMPENDIUM OF WORLD CUP LIES
A Collection of Thirty Two Outrageous Falsehoods

Group A

Bazalonia – The Bazalonian Bazalope was so prized for the rare perfumed musk produced by the unfortunate creature’s thyroid gland that it was hunted to extinction 3,000 years ago.

Quakmybush – Quakmybush’s first two qualifications for the World Cup finals are widely held to be the most deserved in the tournament’s long history.

Oliverry – The ‘official German nation of NationStates’ once started World War IV when, under the rule of a totalitarian militaristic dictatorship, it invaded Hockey Canada.

Ariddia – The very first World Cup in Ariddia almost never happened thanks to a massive cyclone that killed absolutely everyone in the nation.


Group B

Wentland – The lesser spotted tree walrus of Wentland has been adopted as the official mascot of World Cup 33.

The Lowland Clans – The Lowland Clans have won every single World Cup hosting bid vote after World Cup 4; this is widely held to be due to the popularity of the sexual freedom experienced by 16 year old Lowland Clans Catholic schoolgirls

Geisenfried – These former World Cup hosts happily admit being paid a 50 million nomismata bribe from Liverpool England to make sure Bedistan didn’t win their final World Cup.

Qazox – The indigenous black oxen of Qazox live high in the branches of the extraordinary giant sequoxia tree.


Group C

Commerce Heights – This nation’s doctrinaire obsession with the implementation of hardline Stalinist economic policies means the national football team is too impoverished to afford football boots.

Alasdair I Frosticus – Few Imperial citizens know that, during the period where contact with Ordinary Reality was banned, the Holy Empire won every single World Cup between WCs 8 and 23; by World Cup 23, it was traditional for the hosts to simply hand over the trophy to the Imperial captain to save everyone the bother.

Elves Security Forces – The ESF national team lives under a tarpaulin, in a hole in the ground, where their coach makes them lick the road clean before they go to train for tuppence.

Casari – Casari is secretly governed by a giant mutant anthropomorphic Dutch hamster called ‘Henk’.


Group D

Turori – The reason Turori’s national team are all whaleskin-clad blubber-eating Inuit is because the nation is a vast and terrible arctic wasteland.

Rejistania – The official pre-match dish of the Rejistanian football team is roast human baby served with a side dish of truffled human baby foie gras.

Bettia – The national language of Bettia is Swahili.

Yafor 2 – The ‘Golden Wolves’ are so-named for their habit of executing unsuccessful coaches by dropping a solid gold life-sized carving of the wolf suckling Romulus and Remus on said coaches’ heads.


Group E

Northern Bettia – The Fire Ants are celebrated for their long-standing commitment to the principles of fair play and gentlemanly conduct.

Milchama – The entire Milchaman national football team converted to Islam three years ago.

Demot – Demot is far and away the most interesting team to have qualified for this or any other World Cup.

Az-cz – This nation of colossi often struggles to find a football pitch large enough to field its team of 20-metre tall giants, but small enough to give the opposition a fighting chance.


Group F

Sel Appa – The contributions of the Sel Appan FA to broader football debates are eagerly anticipated for their profound wisdom, wry humour, penetrating insight, and subtle appreciation of irony – this despite the fact that the nation's extraordinary self-discipline means that these contributions are almost as prized for their scarcity.

Cafundeu – The official religion of Cafundeu involves the worship of the twin dread gods Vasco de Gama and Edson Arantes do Nascimento, one of whom breathes fire, and the other of whom wields a mighty gilded scimitar.

Jeruselem – Popular Jeruselem media figure Dazza Dallas is in reality a Mr. Universe-class male body builder who used to work under the stage name ‘Thor the Mighty Hammer God’; Dazza’s true identity is hidden through the use of cutting-edge CGI effects.

Assegai Developments – The ‘Riskavoiders’ are well-known for being the most timid team in international football, often refusing to take free kicks for fear of angering the opposition.


Group G

Tynelia – In Tynelia, it’s considered good luck to kill harmless little old ladies before a football match.

Spruitland – The ‘wascally wabbits’ once won a football match against the now sadly absent former World Cup powerhouses Giant Zucchini by eating the opposing players.

Squornshelous – Everyone remembers how to spell the nickname of the national football team of Squornshelous, the Psychoooos.

Krytenia – The abysmally low-ranked Krytenian national football team can consider themselves fortunate indeed to have qualified for the World Cup finals against all the odds.


Group H

Errinundera – This imperialist capitalist dictatorship haven for discredited neo-conservative politicians is feared by neighbours who worry that Errinundera will launch a pre-emptive strike using the massive weapons of mass destruction arsenal built in the huge, polluting factories of this dangerous rogue state.

Schiavonia – Schiavonia lost every game in World Cup 33 qualifying, but entered the tournament by the back door when most of the rest of the teams in their group were lost in a strange space-time vortex.

Archregimancy – In this nation of notorious womanisers, polygamy is not simply encouraged, but is legally mandatory; any former or current member of the national football team who lacks four wives by his 30th birthday is summarily executed.

Starblaydia – The least successful nation in World Cup history, this is Starblaydia’s first finals campaign after nine hundred and eighty six consecutive failed attempts at qualification; so consistently poor have Starblaydia been that nations often bribe the World Cup hosts to be placed in their qualification group.

<Hot 30 year old sitting on a garden with a laptop>

"Hi, this is Dazza Dallas. The group stage draws have been completed for the World Cup 33. I'm going discuss only our and Bettia's group. I'm going repeat this, there are no easy groups. None! All have good teams with a chance to make the finals. The crap has been weeded out. The teams left deserve to qualify - excluding the hosts who are hosting and well have an automatic spot. How the hosts do is up to them but the other 30 teams have been tested."

<Waves at some people walking by>

"We are in Group F while Bettia got into Group D. Looking at Group F, it's funny one. It's full of strangers, while Bettia know everyone in their group. Funny, that."

<Cute young girl runs in front of camera>

"Hey, this is Kate my daughter. Isn't she cute and look she likes camera already, just like her Mum. Hey Kate - go inside Mum is working!"

<Girl smiles, waves at camera and runs off>

"Let's show some useless stats first! Yeah."

Group F
Jeruselem (1)
Assegai Developments (2)
Cafundeu (3)
Sel Appa (4)


Team W D L PTS GF GA GD
Group 1 Jeruselem 14 3 1 45 58 22 36
Group 2 Cafundeu 12 2 4 38 46 26 20
Group 4 AD 14 1 3 43 53 24 29
Group 5 Sel Appa 11 2 5 35 53 36 17



Group D
Turori (4)
Rejistania (2)
Bettia (1)
Yafor 2 (3)


Team W D L PTS GF GA GD
Group 1 Bettia 15 1 2 46 58 25 33
Group 5 Rejistania 14 0 4 42 64 30 34
Group 8 Yafor 2 13 1 4 40 49 22 27
Group 9 Turori 11 2 5 35 45 27 18


"As you see, Jeruselem has the best record, offense and defense so far but we are 3rd seed so it's expected. We also happen to have the best goal difference because of this. Assegai Developments looks like 2nd best team indeed. A very similar record with less goals scored and two more losses but they cannot be dismissed at all. I would say us and Assegai Developments are the better looking teams here but in three games but that can all change. Cafundeu may have the worst scoring record but conceding only 26 goals is still good. Also Cafundeu have played our women in the Women's World Cup which might help them work us out tactically. Sel Appa round out the group with a good scoring ability but their defense is not so good being the worst in the group letting in 10 goals more than Cafundeu. Most losses too. A quick look and it's clear Jeruselem and Assegai Developments have the record while Cafundeu's attack and Sel Appa's defense are suspect. Still all teams are here and can win. But saying all that, I don't see anyone who should knock out Jeruselem if Jeruselem play to form."

"Bettia, the mighty Aroras have lots of friend for company. With Rejistania, Yafor 2 and Turori as company! Bettia does have the best record with just two losses and one of those was to Jeruselem SIX TWO. Good attack and a good defense! We kinda messed up their GA with those 6 goals. Rejistania do have the best attack with 64 goals, yes that's Rejistania, the new Rejistania. Yes, the old Rejistania defense is not there with the worst defense of the group but with that attack who needs defense. Yafor 2 and Turori are same same except Yafor 2 seems to have a Rejistania-like defense - 22 goals. These two teams have a similar goal scoring record but Turori's defense is worse. Looking at this group, I think Bettia and Rejistania's attack will help them make the finals."

"I think Bettia and Jeruselem got good groups. No real nasties apart from Rejistania but all teams in these groups can beat anyone on their day. I think Nedalians should be happy with the groups for their friends. Hey Kate!"

<Cute young girl runs out to Mum> "Yes Mum!"

"Show them one of your tricks!"

<Cute young girl walks around on her hands and runs to Mum>

"As you can see, she's quite an acrobat, just like her Mum is. You'll be seeing her in the future as World Cup player, just like her Mum. Isn't that right Kate?"

"Yeah Mum, yes!" girl shouts.

"That's it from THE FOOTBALL LIFE. See you all later. I have play with Kate here."

The Crimson Blade

The Real Challenge Begins

The groups have been drawn and the road that lies before the Riskbreakers of Assegai Developments has been set. It is a very difficult road for Assegai, which is making its debut in the NationStates World Cup finals. Nonetheless, the team expressed confidence in their skill and reiterated their determination to make a name for themselves on the international scene.

Assegai, seeded second in their group, based on their record in the qualifiers, will have to contend with Group F, which includes No. 3 Jeruselem, No. 37 Cafundeu and No. 52 Sel Appa.

Up next are capsules on all the teams in Group F (including Assegai) and predictions on the fixtures.

(3) Jeruselem
Debbie Dallas’s squad is far and away the strongest team in this group. They should run rod shod through Group F and will probably deal Assegai one of its toughest losses in quite some time. However, games are won on the field, not on paper, and the Riskbreakers felled many great teams during the qualifying phase.
Prediction: Jeruselem 4 – Assegai 1

(37) Cafundeu
Mention Cafundeu to Assegai citizens and they instantly respond with disgust. When asked why, many of them will point to what they say is a highly overrated team that gets far too much attention than they deserve. Some even go so far as to criticize their reporting and broadcasting services, accusing them of taking still images and video from other teams, slapping their logo on it and claiming it to be their own. One fellow (who wished to remain anonymous) even described Cafundeu as annoying as old gum that sticks to the bottom of your shoe. Notwithstanding the general consensus, Cafundeu remains a strong squad that must be approached with caution, lest the Riskbreakers suffer the indignancy of losing to them.
Prediction: Assegai 2 – Cafundeu 1

(52) Sel Appa
Hard to believe, but Sel Appa has a modest following in Assegai, with many football fans sporting Sel Appa jerseys and T-shirts that read “TURTLES” on them during Sel Appa matches. However, when it comes to Assegai v Sel Appa, you can be sure those same fans will cheering for the Riskbreakers to defeat the Turtles. The Assegai players admitted they have a lot of respect for the Turtles and look forward to defeating them in a well-played match.
Prediction: Assegai 4 – Sel Appa 0

(57) Assegai Developments
In only their third attempt, the Riskbreakers qualified for their first ever NationStates World Cup finals. Buoyed by support from their regional rivals—Elves Security Forces, Fort Europe and Random Toast—Assegai has risen from the lowest low in the history of NationStates football, a 1-10 loss to the heathens from Qazox just eight years ago. However, despite all obstacles, Assegai learned from mistakes and grew as a team, which was evident during the qualifying phase, where Assegai finished with the 10th overall best record, defeating No. 1 Krytenia, and No. 15 Cuation and No. 26 Vilita—twice each. Assegai hopes that with all the experience they have gathered they can make their step on the major international scene a most memorable one.

Group F
Jeruselem
Assegai Developments
Sel Appa
Cafundeu

The Assegai Developments football team also extended congratulations to the Elves Security Forces squad for qualifying and wishes them the best of luck in the upcoming group games.

Mikaela Eyre Reporting

Random Toast FC

W 3 - 1 Krytenia
L 1 - 3 Assegai Developments
W 1 - 0 Cuation
L 1 - 6 Qazox
L 0 - 2 Quintessence of Dust
W 2 - 1 Vilita
L 0 - 3 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 2 Lethislavania
L 0 - 4 Cluichstan
L 0 - 3 Cuation
L 4 - 5 Assegai Developments
L 1 - 2 Cluichstan
L 0 - 2 Commerce Heights JSY
L 0 - 1 Quintessence of Dust
L 0 - 2 Lethislavania
L 0 - 2 Qazox
L 1 -5 Krytenia
L 1- 2 Vilita

Liz Kitten: Hi, this is Liz Kitten reporting at the 33rd World Cup in Quakmybush. Random Toast completed their qualifying campaign with 2 further defeats, to end up with a run of 12 successive defeats. I have with me midfield maestro Juan Sanchez. Juan, what went wrong?

Juan Sanchez: Well, I think that run of defeats may have cost us a chance of qualifying for the next stage. But at least we didn't finish bottom of our group.

Liz: You didn't seem to show any signs of bouncebackability?

Juan: No, it's fair to say we bounced like a brick.

Liz: So where does the team go from here?

Juan: We have a young team, so we will be in training for the next World Cup, where we will be more competitive.

Liz: And finally, What of the successful qualification of your rivals from your region?

Juan: Yes, well done to Assegai Developments and Elves Security Forces on qualifying. Our fans will be following the progress of Assegai in particular. Chris Vanstones burger van is now parked outside their training camp.

Liz: Thank you Juan and now for the last time from the 33rd World Cup, this is me, Liz Kitten signing off and handing back to the studio for the March Monthly Sheep on Donkeys Egg and Spoon Race...

A welcome and detailed explanation of Venues for the teams playing in the Az-cz region.

To the teams competing here in Az-cz we hope you enjoy your stay. Although most of our stadiums are designed in a rather medieval style, in honor of the land of legendary creator, you will find that our nation itself is quite modern. The people are quite friendly and although we are a nation of thieves you can rest assured that nothing will be stolen from you while you are here. We value are international friendships very much. Feel free to ask us questions as you feel fit. You may find that our non-materialistic society is quite different from your own, but we will still provide you a great time. While you are here we invite you to check out our native Az-czid sports, such as Kleptochase, Kleptoball, Kleptodance and Capture the Flag.

A number of changes have been made to the stadiums in Az-cz for the purposes of the upcoming cup. Two new stadiums will be used for this cup. One is an upgraded version of the stadium for the Nightshade Vampires, known as the Cemetery. And the other is a stadium known Shangri-La, built specially for this cup, in Az-cz City.

For this cup Az-cz has decided to assign each team a home stadium and home city for the group stage. Each team will play at least two matches in their "home" stadium. This should encourage easy access to matches for fans of the nations.

Here are the venues for Group E containing Northern Bettia, Milchama, Demot and Az-cz. As we are the host nation all venues are home stadiums for us. N

Northern Bettia has been given the Temple of Yak in Jex-Kia for there home stadium. The Temple of Yak has been purposefully designed to have a feeling of grunginess and spookiness, to fit the recorded evil nature of the clerics the team that plays here are named after. We think such a spooky will fit well for a spooky team as Northern Bettia.

The Milchamans will be in the only elevated stadium in the nation. Known as Mile High Stadium it is also known simply as "The Clouds" in honor of the team, the Cloud Harpies. This city is in the only real mountain range in Az-cz and does indeed sit a mile high. This elevation can provide an advantage to teams that are used to it.

Demot will be located in Fort Ben-Degly. The stadium is known as the Ben-Degly Pagoda and as one might expect the architecture here has a strongly Japanese flavor. The name Fort Ben-Degly is somewhat misleading, as rather than being a military city, it is a home to one of Az-cz's largest international populations. We encourage the Demotians and any other fans interested in a vibrant multicultural community to explore Fort Ben-Degly.

The matches for this group are as follows:

MD1

Northern Bettia v Az-cz (Temple of Yak) Milchama v Demot (Mile High Stadium)

MD2

Northern Bettia v Demot (Ben-Degly Pagoda) Az-cz v Milchama (Mile High Stadium)

MD3

Northern Bettia v Milchama (Temple of Yak) Demot v Az-cz (Ben-Degly Pagoda)

For each of the other groups all matches will be played in the same city.

Group F finds Jeruselem, Cafundeu, Sel Appa, and Assegai Developments being hosted in the capital of Az-cz, Az-cz city. The two stadiums to be used here are Slimes Stadium and Shangri-La. The stadium is both the biggest and most luxurious in Az-cz. As the Slimes are one of the most popular and most powerful teams in the nation they have a very fine stadium. Cafundeu might have a slight advantage here, as this was the stadium they used during there Baptism of Fire run. Shangri-La is a brand new beautiful football pitch, named in honor of a hidden city in the world of the Legendary Az-cz. This city was located deep underground and only accesible through magic teleportation or battling through many layers of lava and demons. As such it has a fire decor in tribute of the route to the city.

The match schedule for group F is like this:

MD1

Sel Appa v Assegai Developments (Slimes Stadium) Jeruselem v Cafundeu (Shangri-La)

MD2

Sel Appa v Jeruselem (Slimes Stadium) Cafundeu v Assegai Developments (Shangri-La)

MD3

Sel Appa v Cafundeu (Shangri-La) Jeruselm v Assegai Developments (Slimes Stadium)

Group G will be playing in Mil-Bax, in two of the most popular stadiums in Az-cz, Burlock Castle and the Red Dwarf Mines. Mil-Bax is also the second largest city in Az-cz and as such there are many great options for fans visiting the city. With brilliant design the stadium really does feel like a historical castle. Home to the -League's Burlock Jester's it is quite an imposing place for first time visitors. It has held many Az-cz qualifying matches over the years. The Red Dwarf Mines, are designed as just that, mines. The entire set up is to recreate a medieval style gold mine. While the stadium itself is just themed as mines, there are a series of caverns accesible to fans below the stadium that many fans enjoy visiting when there is no football going on.

The schedule for matches in group G is as follows:

MD1

Tynelia v Krytenia (Burlock Castle) Spruitland v Squornshelous (Red Dwarf Mines)

MD2

Tynelia v Squornshelous (Burlock Castle) Spruitland v Krytenia (Red Dwarf Mines)

MD3

Tynelia v Spruitland (Burlock Castle) Squornshelous v Krytenia (Red Dwarf Mines)

The matches in group H will be played in Es-Ef. This is home to the old home of the -League's greatest team and the new home dedicated to the undead. The first stadium is Knight's Coliseum, home of the Yang Knights, who have the greatest history of all -League teams. This is a great place to learn about Az-czid football, for those who are interested. The Az-czid Football Hall of Fame, is located in Es-Ef near the Coliseum, and fans are encouraged to visit there.

The Cemetery is the stadium for the Nightshade Vampires. The stadium's architecture is something out of a horror movie, and indeed halloween has quickly become one of the most popular events in the nation despite only being open for two years. While it won't be used during these matches, when the -League is in season, there are places for bats to nest in the rafters, only adding to the feel of the stadium.

The schedule for group H is as follows:

MD1

Errinundera v Starblaydia (The Cemetery) Schiavonia v The Archregimancy (Knight's Coliseum)

MD2

Errinundera v The Archregimancy (The Cemetery) Schiavonia v Starblaydia (Knight's Coliseum)

MD3

Errinundera v Schiavonia (Knight's Coliseum) The Archregimancy v Starblaydia (The Cemetery)

The matches for the knockout stages are as follows:

QFA - Winner of Group E v Loser of Group F

Az-cz region quarterfinal A will be played in the Red Dwarf Mines

QFB - Winner of Group G v Loser of Group H

Az-cz region quarterfinal B will be played in the Temple of Yak.

QFC - Winner of Group F v Loser of Group E

Az-cz Region Quarterfinal C will be played in Darzog's Tower. Named after a legendary magician, the stadium has been designed to feel both like a tower and have a feeling of magic. And to fit its name the stadium actually does sit much more vertical than most stadiums. However the architects thought very carefully about how to preserve sight and safety, so it is actually a fine if unusual fan experience.

QFD - Winner of Group H v Loser of Group G

Az-cz region quarterfinal D will be played in Slimes Stadium.

SFA - Winner of QFA v Winner of QFB

Az-cz region semifinal A will also be played in Darzog's Tower.

SFB - Winner of QFC v Winner of QFD

Az-cz Region semifinal B will be played in Knight's Coliseum.

-FA - Winner of SFA v SFB

The Az-cz region will finish with a matchup in the new Shangri-La stadium. As this stadium is expected to become the home stadium for the national team it is a fitting place to end the Az-cz portion of the knockout round.

World Cup Finals: Winner of Quakmybush region v Winner of Az-cz Region

The finals will finish in Burlock Castle. For the finals the stadium will be decked in full regalia and will be a truly grand finish for the Qu-ak world cup.

"Welcome once again to World Cup Sloths, live from the KFS. I'm Dana Lee..."

"...and I'm Filipo Schiavone."

"Well, in what proved to be a long and tedious exercise, Schiavonia went all eighteen games without losing a single one throughout qualifying. Indeed, the only two draws came against the giants of Demot, and in their last game against Harlesburg, when a North-West Schiavonia Girls Under-9's team held the visitors to a one-all draw on some marshland somewhere near Airesvale."

"And well done to them, too. Although they apparently should have won that one, too."

"Apparently so. Which means that in fair games between eleven normal sized players, Schiavonia won fifteen out of fifteen. How dull do you guys want to be?"

"Well, personally, I blame the space-time vortex."

"You do come up with some nonsense, Fil. Anyway, we're here at the King Francesco Stadium today to look through the groups for the World Cup Finals, and it appears that Schiavonia are going to Az-cz."

"They are indeed. There's an interesting story behind that, though. Apparently, the climate and environment meant that, given the choice, the SFF would have prefered to go there. However, I only know this because Rodney Lowe sent the letter telling the organising committee this to me. As a birthday card."

"So..."

"So, on Nox-Tf's desk in Az-cz, there's a card with 'Happy Birthday Fil! From your old buddy Rodders xxx' written on it."

"So in the end, it was down to blind luck as to where they ended up."

"Exactly."

"Well, this cup looks more wide open than usual, although that's more to who hasn't made it than who has."

"And by some accounts, Schiavonia are thought to have a decent chance!"

Dana giggles

"What?"

"You guys... have a chance!"

"That's not my view, that's just something being said from a few sources around the world. Of course, I know better than that. Any team who exceeds expectations in qualifying will always do absolutely abysmally in the finals themselves. Look at Schiavonia's performance at World Cup 31 as evidence, and there's plenty more where that came from."

"Is that really the case?"

"On the whole, I think it is, yes. So if you're a fan of Schiavonia or Qazox, be very prepared for an early flight home."

"Oh, OK."

"Whereas, if you support The Lowland Clans or Oliverry, you're in with a great chance!"

"What logic is there behind this line of thought, Fil?"

"None at all, Dana. None at all."

"Of course not. When you consider some of the teams that didn't make it... let me list a few. Fmjphoenix, Vilita, Cuation, Qutar, New Montreal States, Liverpool England... Liverpool England are supposed to be good!"

"Your point is?"

"Since when has anything you expect to happen actually happened in the World Cup?"

"Well, maybe I should ask you that, what with you being Schiavonia's favourite football predictor."

"That is a good point."

"So, are we going to review our group or not?"

"Well, Tynelia have drawn group H with Krytenia, Squornshelous and Spruitland. I think there's two obvious favourites to go through there."

"I did mean Schiavonia, but as the Sloths' potential opponents for the last sixteen come from that group, I suppose they warrant a mention. Anyways, Schiavonia start their campaign against The Archregimancy, a game notable for the fact that neither side has lost so far this cup."

"Not notable because you once had an Orthodox monk in your team?"

"Not really. He was rubbish, anyway."

"Oh."

"Anyway, despite Schiavonia's famous friendly nature, there is a slight potential for conflict here, as most Schiavones are what our opponents might call 'Catholic heathens'."

"Not nice."

"Indeed. However, with us Schiavones being a tolerant lot, I'd hope that any potential nastiness will be taken out of the equation."

"And a score?"

"I thought you said it was pointless predicting?"

"Yeah. But it's still fun!"

"OK, well, considering that neither team has yet lost a game..."

"You're going to say a draw, aren't you?"

"Well... yes."

"You're so predictable."

"Then we play Starblaydia, who, despite not being a top three team anymore, are still a major threat. And probably better than us. So chalk us down for a battering on that one."

"So that would leave your final game against..."

"Erinunderra. A nation of people who are probably even more friendly than Schiavones, if you can imagine such a thing. They even treat their animals as equals. Which is just odd, if you ask me."

"So you aren't going to be sharing your Fried Penguin with them, then?"

"I wouldn't share my fried penguin with anyone!"

"True, true."

"Anyway, the overwhelming friendliness towards each other will probably result in another draw, thus giving Schiavonia two points, which is not enough to go through, thus sending us home as I earlier stated."

"Now, I've heard that this is traditionally when you pick a winner for the whole tournament, no?"

"It is, yes."

"But isn't it true that you always pick the same team?"

"Er... yes."

"And isn't it true that they're still yet to win the cup?"

"Yes, yes it is."

"And are you going to shock the nation by predicting a winner other than Jeruselem this cup?"

"Y... No. I'm picking Jeruselem. Again."

"I'm sure one day, you'll be right, Fil. But not this time, though. I'm going to pick Squornshelous to win, on the basis that they're quite good at football. However, after such a crazy qualifying campaign, there must be about thirty-two teams with a realistic chance."

"Really?"

"Well, maybe not. But maybe three-quarters of the teams in the tournament have a realistic chance of winning it. It really is that open!"

"So you heard it here first. The winners could be just about anyone! On that note, we'd probably better go. Or the indecisiveness could overwhelm you!"

The guys were huddled around in their home discussing what they should do

"Well this Bostopia crap won't do much good, but most of the other stuff is pretty good. What should we do with it boss? Go to the football federation and explain what's up?"

"Are you stupid Vi-To? Even if they might agree to show it, there'll be international pressure on them not to allow it. No we can't do that."

"Well than what should we do?"

"I've got an idea. We've got friends who can spead the word quickly right?"

"Yes."

"Well we know how Az-czzers feel about stealing. There's no problem if it's done for the right cause. Since we're just in it for the thrill of the steal, let's just put it on display and give all the proceeds to charity. If we do that there's no doubt the Az-cz populace will get behind us and prevent even outrage from fuddy-duddies in the international community from having too much effect."

"True. There's no way we'd get in trouble if we play it like that."

"Especially not if we give all of the stuff back at the end of the cup."

"Good call Sh-Ark."

"My main question is what to do with all this Dazza Dallas stuff."

"Well clearly the clothes and stuff we just put on display as regular. As for the videos, first we make plenty of copies of those for ourselves, and then we advertise a special adult only's section of the tour, that ought to bring them in."

"Alright. Where should we set up display?"

"Well, Az-czzers will come from wherever. I think we set it up in Mil-Bax. It's a quite big city, the Spruitlanders will come for the Dazza video and I bet the Krytenians and Squornshelous people will be interested as well."

"Alright, then let's get the display set up and get word sent out."

A note to the Archregimancy and the other nations visiting Az-cz,

As far as dietary concerns are concerned Az-cz tends towards vegetarianism so a vegan diet or similar things are easy to accomodate. However we don't ban the eating of meat, especially seafood, so there are some options for the meat eaters, even if it is rarer.

As for the nudity of Az-czzers, that won't change for this cup. Expect to see plenty of nude gnomes and humans, and a few nude dwarves, elves and so on. However we encourage all teams and spectators to travel how they feel fit. If they'd like to wear clothing that certainly won't be a problem. However the weather should be quite nice during the cup and clothing is definitely optional.

Az-cz Scroll
Az-cz City
Il-Lur

Predictions and More

The day is finally here. The cup has made it to Az-cz itself and the people of the nation are abuzz with excitement. Even though the cup will open in Quakmybush there will be Gnomes at hand. Plenty of people from Az-cz will head over to Quakmybush to watch the opening ceremonies and cheer on their friends from the Frozen North. As for the cup itself, the Gnomes will be definitely trying to delight their home fans. The draw wasn't overly kind to the Gnomes, but it certainly wasn't as brutal as it could have been. Here is a look at the groups and predictions for the entire cup. Can the Gnomes advance on home ground? Only time will tell?

Let's start by looking at matches in Az-cz with our group first:

Group E Home cooking
Az-cz, Milchama, Demot, Northern Bettia

This group would seem to be a two team race, as Milchama clearly has the overall pedigree and we are a more experienced team with the added bonus of homefield. However Demot has been here before and is a tested side coming through a tough group and having developed through the AOCAF just as we have. Northern Bettia is an interesting opponent for us, as we are the two most recent Baptism of Fire champions to make good, as both Dumania and Backwardistan have fallen off the map. They're definitely a crafty bunch, but aren't expected to challenge the other three. I think Milchama puts their stamp on the group and wins it easily enough. We ought to use homefield to advance, with Demot coming in third and Northern Bettia gaining valuable experience.

Group F Pieces of Cake
Jeruselem, Assegai Developments, Cafundeu, Sel Appa

Jeruselem is coming off a second place finish last cup and another fine qualifying and should win this group easily. Cafundeu is the only team with any finals experience, having qualified in their first try last cup. Both Assegai Developments and Sel Appa have finally qualified after repeated attempts. None of the other three are great powers, but I think Cafundeu uses their experience and comfort away from home to sneak into second, with Assegai Developments in third, and the Turtles going into their shells.

Group G #1s
Tynelia, Squornshelous, Krytenia, Spruitland

Tynelia's reward for their first qualification and a qualifying campaign that saw them in a one seed in the draw process are two number ones and a traditionally strong team. Squornshelous has looked strong with occasional lapses especially on the defensive end. Krytenia on the other hand wobbled through a less than stellar group, even losing matches to teams like Random Toast. Spruitland had a tough qualifying path but still came through and could be dangerous. I think Squornshelous rises to the top here as Tynelia doesn't have the offense to make them pay for their defensive struggles, but I think Tynelia pulls a big shock and sends Krytenia home early. Even the Rabbits of Spruitland could cause trouble for Krytenia, although I think the aces will finish third.

Group H Group of Death Pt. 1
Schiavonia, The Archregimancy, Errinundera, Starblaydia

Schiavonia was absolutely overwhelming in qualification, rolling up a near perfect record, with only draws against a strong teams in Demot and against Harelsburg on the last match day when they weren't too focused. The Archregimancy looked strong in qualifiers going unbeaten in the toughest group and dominating Ariddia the two times the teams met. However in Az-cz they'll have to adjust to being in a country of nudist atheist thieves. So that might throw them off their game. Add in an Errinundera team that has proven to be a tough out in recent cups and the former power Starblaydia and you have an absolutely brutal group, with plenty of great football. Errinundera just hasn't looked right this cup and probably will sink to the bottom of such a tough group. I think that there will be enough discomfort for the monks to allow the purple peril to climb up to second with the Schiavonians holding the top spot.

Now over to Quakmybush

Group A Death to the hosts
Quakmybush, Ariddia, Bazalonia, Oliverry

Neither of the hosts were particularly happy when they saw this group. Of course the Quakmybushians can't be pleased with such a difficult qualifying group. And we were sad to see two of our closest friends, and another nation we respect alot all get drawn together along with a strong team like Oliverry. Although we'd like to see Quakmybush, Ariddia, and Bazalonia all advance, at least one and possibly two will be done early. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it will be the defending champions just falling short with Quakmybush defending homefield advantage well and the Bazalopes joining in the second round. Oliverry will be left as a spoiler. However in a group as difficult as this anything goes.

Group B Luck of the Ox
Qazox, Wentland, Geisenfried, The Lowland Clans

Somehow Qazox keeps getting lucky. We've been watching their matches and just can't figure out how they put up the second best record. They're just not that good. Switch them with Schiavonia or Quakmybush and their roadkill for sure. In this group however they've got a chance. Wentland looked pretty good in qualifying and The Lowland Clans were quite strong after a horrible start to the cup. Geisenfried certainly didn't build on their suprise showing from last cup. However when you get right down to it only The Lowland Clans has much history in the cup. Geisenfried did advance to the quarterfinals at home but no history of success elsewhere. I think The Lowland Clans will continue in fine form and Wentland will suprise in second.

Group C Hard and Heavy
Commerce Heights, Casari, Alasdair I Frosticus, Elves Security Forces

While the Alasdair I Frosticus motto for this cup might have been soft and lazy, there group certainly isn't. Commerce Heights overcame Squornshelous to earn a top spot in these proceedings. Casari was the tops of a tough group and is still their unpredictable selves. And Elves Security Forces came on strong at the end including a decisive win in Jeruselem to power into the finals. And Alasdair I Frosticus qualified easily rather than the perhaps undeserving qualification last cup. Casari has had bad luck recently and I think they'll finally snap out of it and rise to the top of this group. In a suprise Alasdair I Frosticus will harken back to more glorious days and advance. Commerce Heights will finish third and Elves Security Forces will make a nice show but still finish in last place.

Group D A wild mix
Bettia, Rejistania, Yafor 2, Turori

In this group you've got aroras, eels, golden wolves, and takilans. Bettia and Turori are the most in form with Bettia winning eight straight and thirteen of fourteen with just a tie against Jeruselem to win the top spot in their group and Turori won their last six games to steal a spot from Ropa-Topia. In that stretch was a 7-1 thrashing of Squornshelous. Showing just how dangerous those eels can be. Rejistania on the other hand, lost two of their last three to non-qualifiers limping into the cup and blowing a possible top seed. Yafor 2 beat Geisenfried, Liverpool England, Kulikova and Starblaydia to open up the cup and never looked back. Although they've shown explosiveness the wolves are not likely to produce good results in a group as this and should expect to head home empty handed. The aroras should earn a full nine points, which means that Rejistania versus Turori is the match for the second spot. And I think the eels continue their hot ways and get through.

That would lead second round matchups of:

Milchama v Cafundeu
Squornshelous v Starblaydia
Jeruselem v Az-cz
Schiavonia v Tynelia
Quakmybush v Wentland
Casari v Turori
The Lowland Clans v Bazalonia
Bettia v Alasdair I Frosticus

Milchama will prove to be too much for Cafundeu as their impressive second cup performance comes to an end here. The Purple Power proves they've still got something left in knocking out Squornshelous. The Gnomes dream of a cup on home soil comes to an end at the hands of the Crusaders and in the battle of the broadcasters Tynelia puts an end to Schiavonia's great run. In the frozen north Quakmybush continues to push ahead and Turori's upset over Casari means that Starblaydia is the most recent champion to make the quarterfinals, and in fact the only former champion still remaining. The Lowland Clans resurgence continues with the Bandit pushing his new team past his old country. And the Bettians offense assault continues unabetted by the soft and lazy Frosticans. Thus the final eight are:

Milchama v Starblaydia
Jeruselem v Tynelia
Quakmybush v Turori
The Lowlands Clans v Bettia

The Starblaydian menace is finally eliminated as Milchama advances to the semis. With the other three matchups all featuring two Atlantian Oceania teams Jeruselem will outdo Tynelia for the title of last non AO team standing. Quakmybush will advance to the regional finals on home soil with the Bettians joining them there.

Semifinal matchups

Milchama v Jeruselem
Quakmybush v Bettia

Jeruselem will find another fine performance and punch a ticket for a second straight championship match. The Quakmybushians will miss out on the trip to Az-cz as the Bettians relegate them to the third place match on home soil.

Third place playoff

Quakmybush will recover from the disappointment of missing the finals by going out with a nice win for the home fans and well earned third place.

Finals

Jeruselem v Bettia

Interestingly two teams from the same qualifying group will make the finals. Jeruselem pounded the Bettians in Jeruselem on match day four and the two teams played level at 3-3 on match day 10. This time it will be the Bettians turn to shine as they win a game of last goal wins. In an offensive shootout the Bettians send Jeruselem home with another disappointing second place and add a world cup to their trophy case.

We Qualified For THIS?

By Ty Taylor for Sports Unillustrated

So the joy and excitement of a world cup berth at long last dies an agonizing death as the results of the draw are announced. And here we see the difference that goal differential boils down to. By the quirk of the schedule Tynelia finds its top seed rewarded by facing two of the last three World cup winners and two of the top five teams in the world in its group. Conspiracy theorists across Tynelia are convinced this is a World Cup correction mechanism to correct the obvious error in Tynelia’s actual qualification to begin with.

Taking a closer look at each group, Tynelia- based mostly on their own low rank, find themselves in the third toughest group in the Cup proper as the list below shows. The list ranks the groups based on average rank of the four teams involved. However it must be noted as our sources could not find a ranking for Northern Bettia we have given them, as a first time team an approximate ranking of 100 for the purpose of this study.

Group E- ave rank 42.5 inflated some by Northern Bettia’s estimate
Group F- ave rank 37- only Jerusalem is ranked higher than Tynelia here
Group D- ave rank 25- pulled up by Yafor 2 and only 1 top 15 team
Group B- ave rank 24.5- which may quiet the Qazox press
Group C- ave rank 24.25- boosted slightly by ESF and no top 10 team
Group G- ave rank 15.75- not even Tynelia’s mid 30 rank could pull this up higher
Group H- ave rank 15- no team outside the top 20 here

And the official group of death
Group A- ave rank 12- two top ten teams and no one over 22nd

If you eliminate the bottom ranked squads the list looks like this
Group F- ave rank 30.33
Group E- ave rank 23.67
Group B- ave rank 21
Group C- ave rank 19.33
Group D- ave rank 18.67
Group H- ave rank 13.33
Group G- ave rank 9.67
Group A- ave rank 8.67

As this second chart shows, Group A continues its claim of being the true group of death but Tynelia’s Group G jumps past the balanced Group H in degree of difficulty by a significant margin. Again Tynelian fans can weep over seeing Jeruselem’s group F moving to the top as the easiest group by rank and see CH’s group C move up one slot easier while Tynelia's group goes the other way. Reminds one of the old story for want of a nail, in this case its in want of a point.

Along with this idea and getting back to an earlier point about the narrow margin between hope and despair. Tynelia, CH and Jeruselem finished with equal points but the other two had a clear goal differential edge which turns out to be the difference between Tynelia being a strong contender to qualify in either Group F or Group C and being considered by most to be lucky to get a point in Group G. Another dubious distinction Tynelia has is being the only “#1 seed” of the group to be the lowest ranked team in the group by such a clear margin as they sit 10 ranks below Spruitland with whom we can share in our misery at the luck of the draw. Qazox is the next closest in this but is only two ranks behind Wentland and only 14 ranks behind the second highest ranked team vs. 30 ranks in Tynelia’s case.

Clearly despite its strong group play Tynelia will have extreme difficulty in adding to that success. However there is a measure of hope in among this gloom and doom. Hope you say? I say yes indeed. The team is seeded number one in the group above all these higher ranked teams because Tynelia came out and did something the others couldn’t. And that is put together a strong series of group play to outperform these higher ranked teams to get the top seed of the group. While some of the other teams may have coasted along and never put together any sort of run, Tynelia won out its second half completely moving from a respectable third in the group to pull away from top teams Milchama and Bazalonia by the end of it.

Because of this the starters are playing with confidence, the reserves got vital experience and the team is well rested going into this. Despite clinching early the team still kept up its winning ways with a stifling defense. And most importantly, Tynelia has absolutely nothing to lose here. No one expects them to get past Krytenia and Squornshelous and think if they’re lucky they may get a draw with Spruitland. So anything they do here is considered a bonus. And Tynelia has another advantage that may be overlooked. Tynelia is one of the handful of teams which utilizes a defensive minded counterattacking strategy in a mostly attack minded international field. So while Tynelia is familiar with attacking offenses, their own defensive style will no doubt confuse their opponents who have to adjust their play to a field that isn’t so wide open as they are used to. So keep the faith Tynelians, hope isn’t completely lost. We’ll see where we stand on MD 1 against the number one team in the world and defending champions Krytenia. In fact, many qualifiers ago Tynelia actually defeated then 17th ranked Krytenia 2-0 behind Amy Whiteworth for Tynelia's first ever win against a top twenty team. On the plus side after that match its all downhill from there…using a very small and shallow hill that is.

And since SU insists I do a prediction for group play here goes.

Group A- This one is going to have some very good teams on the outside looking in come knockouts in the ultimate group of death. Arridia despite some sluggish play at times looks to move on here along with Oliverry as co-hosts Quakmybush’s team is probably too rusty for missing group play and Bazalonia had trouble in group play that they won’t get away with here.

Group B- did Qazox peak too soon? Going undefeated in group play is impressive but also means they’re due to lose and this is the worst possible time for it to happen. So I expect that it will letting the extremely grateful to be here Lowland Clans to move on as they also may have the mentality of since they managed to scrape in they too have nothing to lose here. And a top 10 team in the world thinking that way is extremely dangerous. I also think Wentland will surprise some people and take the second spot as Geisenfried had the advantage of off Cups by both Starblaydia and Liverpool England to advance in their group.

Group C- despite being the second seed the always strong Casari team seems to be a lock for one of the qualifying spots. I think CH will have a tough time in this group as both the Elves and AIF have had strong campaigns this time but I expect CH to move on but barely.

Group D- Unfortunately its tough to go against the favorites here as well. Bettia and Rejistania have been playing well while Yafor 2 played a bit above their heads to get here and will probably come back to earth here and Turori didn’t impress much during the group play so don’t look to threaten here.

Group E- This is an interesting mix here as Milchama is the only squad here that’s been in more than four Cups while the only first time qualifier Northern Bettia ends up here as well. Expect Northern Bettia go get shutout in this group and I think in a bit of a surprise Demot sneaks past the cohosts Az-cz who, while having a few friendlies during the cup itself, like Quakmybush may not be able to just turn it up to full speed for the Cup proper.

Group F- Unless the entire Jeruselem team decides to chase after Dazza Dallas on a naked world tour and fails to show up for their matches I don’t see any way they will not move on here as they are the most solid favorites to win the group out of any of them. Second will be extremely interesting as one below 35th ranked team is assured of making the knockouts. This one could be anyone’s race but you have to like AD’s strong run in group play where they beat out Krytenia and give them the other slot here.

Group G- no questions Krytenia and Squornshelous will advance while Tynelia and Spruitland play for third, easiest group to pick of them all excepting Jeruselem’s advancing in group F.

Group H- This group probably will offer the best matches, even moreso than group A as everyone here is about equally spaced in the ranks from each other. Many find it ironic that multi-time champions Starblaydia, the highest ranked team in the group, is the lowest seed. However their play down the stretch failed to impress a lot of people as they backed into qualifying because Liverpool England was having an even worse Cup. You have to like Schiavonia’s chances here as they have the experience Qazox lacks at coming into the Cup proper undefeated after seeing it blow up in their faces once before. I think they learned from that and will join the Archregimancy in the knockouts.

Elven Times
On To Quakmybush

How does it feel ESF, how does it feel to know that our beloved Marauders have finally achieved the dream? Are you in such estacy and joy that the emotion needs no words? Are you dancing through the streets and painting youself navy and black? Have you purchased tickets to Quakmybush and will see the Marauders in such a magnificent venue and circumstances that the tale will be told to your children and grandchildren for years and generations to come? However you may or may not be celebrating, be sure to take this trip in in all of its' everlasting glory, for who knows when we will be making a return trip. Also know that despite being quite satisified in making the World Cup Proper, the marauders are still hungry to do more than just be happy that they have achieved the dream, now they want to build a legacy and represent our grand nation against the mightest of the squads in the World. Their thirst for glory, fame, and honor is second only to their desire to make the ESF world renown for their valor and splendor of talent on and off the pitch, to leave a lasting impression of a group of valiant elves who laid it all on the line for respect and country.

Their task is gargantuen at best, falling into a talent heavy group, but what is to be expected when you are the fourth seed in the most prestigious tournament in the World? The Slani federation of Commerce Heights highlights the group, looking to add another title to their collection. The Marauders faced off against them in the last qualifiers, and using that expierence they have against them, they might be able to press them and eke out what would be a well earned draw. Alasdair I Frosticus, or otherwise known as The Holy Empire, is next in line to take thier jabs at the fresh meat of our squad. As they hosted the second World Cup, this nation is no stranger to the tournament and is licking their chops in when they eye our opening matchday match up. They will likely try to use their expierence and our lack therof to the best advantage and put themselves in a good position to secure qualification in the second matchday. Last, but certainly not least in this group, is the nation of Casari. The Casarians arrived here quietly, which is odd given their prior recent history of their crazed managers and insane stunts. However, they clashed with regionmates of Turruth Gordur, and while we do not support the brutish behavior of the nation, we did find it in the wrong of the Casarians to react to the riot following the match in Casari as they did. The squad has vowed to give their best effort in trying to knock off the Casari squad to regain the region's honor.

In the best case scenario, the Marauders upset Slani and Casari, and somehow make it into the knockouts where they will abruptly have their run ended by a severly stronger side. However, we're realists here and we know that escaping with a point or three would be extragavent and might prove the catalyst for future squads to look upon and build from. That said, this is our complete predictions:

Group A
The co-hosts got absolutely no love from the draw, as the have defending champions Arridia, those suprising frenchies of Oliverry, and the up and coming Bazalonia squad that is a fan favorite here in the ESF. Oliverry will prove to be the door mat of the group, with each of the other squads pulling points from them, while Bazalonia turns the tables on their regional rivals and co-hosts Quakmybush. Arridia remains on form from the last Proper and takes the top of the group.

Predicted Finish
Arridia
Bazalonia
Quakmybush
Oliverry

Group B
This group is kind of strange, with heathens and out bidding partners for World Cup 34 in it, as well as the little known about Wentland, and last Cups co-hosts Geisenfried. Despite hating the heathen Qazox squad, we just don't see how they will not make the knockouts unless Wentland can impress and pull the upsets that they will need. The Lowland Clans also seem destined for the knockouts, and we hope that they have shaken off their rust from the qualification phase and make a deep run. Geisenfried is easily going to be the worst off squad in the group, and get trounced once, if not twice.

Predicted Finish
The Lowland Clans
Qazox
Wentland
Geisenfried

Group C
As described above, this group is bloated with talent on all sides. It might just be one of the tougher groups to predict, being the fourth toughest squad if you average out the rankings. Despite being one of the most challanging squads in the group, we have a feeling that the Slani side is going to dissapoint, as will the Casari side if they don't get back into form. While it being quite optimisitic, there is just that chance that we can make the knockouts. The one thing we are certain of is that The Holy Empire is going to be one of the two nations moving on.

Predicted Finish
Alasdair I Frosticus
Elves Security Forces
Commerce Heights
Casari

Group D
Eels, Aroras, and others, oh my! Rejistania, yes that crazy nation that (used) to hate goals, seems the most normal of squads in the group as they are joined by the the Aroras of Bettia and their crazy creatures from regionmate Turori, and the little spoken about Yafor 2. The way this group shakes out all depends on how the squads will be able to adapt to the nasty creatures the Turorians employ. We are only sure that Yafor 2 will only leave the Proper with but a point to their name.

Predicted Finish
Bettia
Rejistania
Turori
Yafor 2

Group E
Finally a group that will be easy, or at least in theory, to predict. The gnomes got a preferable draw with the bastard horse nation of Michama, the first timer of Northen Bettia, and then their regiomates and up and coming squad of Demot, who is our former colony. This really isn't that much a contest, as Az-cz should win the group outright with no trouble, while a rising Demot should take the second spot from a slumping Milchama. However, the Northern Bettia squad should not be underestimated, as they proved they can play with the big boys, just look at their qualifying campaign.

Predicted Finish
Az-cz
Demot
Northern Bettia
Milchama

Group F
Do you know, that Assegai was the first footballing nation in our region? Did you know, if not for their tournament that the ESF would of never competed internationally? Well did you know, that they are in this group, with picture theifs Cafundeu, Dazza Dallas crazy Jeruselem, and record changers Sel Appa. Jereuselem is the clear sugar of the group, while Cafundeu would in theory be second. However, may this be regional bias or whatnot, we feel that the Riskbreakers deserve it more. Sel Appa deserves to be crushed and thrashed around by all the squads, as their federation is forever shamed.

Predicted Finish
Jeruselem
Assegai Developments
Cafundeu
Sel Appa

Group G
Piss poor luck for the Tynelians, really. To be granted a one seed, but then have the likes of the number one ranked squad in the World and two tournaments ago champs, it's just not fair. However, they should take comfort in that both of those squads are slumping, and that they all have Spruitland to beat around on. If their was ever a time for these underacheivers to make a run, that time would be now, or else they may very well not get the chance.

Predicted Finish
Squornshelous
Tynelia
Krytenia
Spruitland

Group H
Now this a true "Group of Death". When you have the Monks, the Purple Peril, the first nation to qualify, and then the tree huggers, you know that every match is going to be crazy. The Monks and Schiavonia both look to be in a better form heading into group play than their respective opposition, and I wouldn't be suprised in the bit if they are the two to advance from this spot. However, neither would I be suprised if the other two nations comoe out of their funk and make a decent run into the knockouts. This group likely will not be decided until the final matchday.

Predicted Matchday
Schiavonia
Archregimancy
Starblaydia
Errinundera

Article by Luna Santapa

The Anyuna Observer: don't do that dear
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/nbet-badge.gif
World Cup Here We Come!! (eventually)

Northern Bettia..........5 (Kuonji 47 87, Devanallt 61, Iyopa 72, Megumi 75)
Ropa-Topia.................2 (Hendrix 14 44pen)

Yes folks, you read it right - the Fire Ants have qualified for the World Cup finals at their first attempt!

After their pathetic showing in their last group match against Cafundéu, there was a certain degree of trepidation going into this crunch playoff against Ropa-Topia. Many feared that after shipping in six goals, and with three key players missing through suspension, that all of the Fire Ants efforts so far in this competition would have gone to waste.

They needn't have worried though, as the Fire Ants managed to beat their opponents without even getting one of their players sent off, although it wasn't for the want of trying to use System Obani to its full potential. Sure enough, it has failed on a number of occasions, especially against much higher-ranked teams such as Cafundéu, The Archregimancy and Ariddia, but when it works, it works like a charm simply because it negates any advantage a more experienced team might have.

Unfortunately, on the night itself it seemed as though the Northern Bettian players were still a little shell-shocked as Ropa-Topia totally dominated the first half, gaining almost 70% of the possession and creating fourteen shots on-target, so it's no surprise to learn they went ahead relatively early on, after a jinking run from Baldwin along the wing, he cut into the penalty area then squared the ball for Hendrix to emphatically thump it into the back of the net. The one-way traffic continued, and half an hour later the visitors were two goals to the good thanks to a Hendrix penalty awarded after Yoiko handled in the area.

'It's a game of two halves' - it's an often-used cliché used in the world of football, and it was one that most definately applied here. Barely two minutes had elapsed when Trent Kuonji latched onto a long and high ball over the top of the visiting defence, springing the offside trap beautifully to leave himself one-on-one with the keeper. One little shimmy later, and he was left with on open net to walk the ball into.

After securing this little lifeline, the Fire Ants' visibly grew in confidence and they started producing some of the out-and-out attack that is more commonly associated with their master-nation Bettia, who of course had secured their spot in the finals long ago. Wave after wave of Takilan attack crashed against the bedrock of the Ropa-Topian defence, and their efforts were rewared just after the hour mark, courtesy of a Gwrlais Devanallt thunderbolt from all of thirty yards.

This was just the tonic the ailing Fire Ants supporters needed to lift them, and they responded by finally producing the intimidating atmosphere the couch had called for before. In turn, this seemed to lift the players even more and they raced into a two-goal lead through a purple patch ten minutes later, thanks to near-identical goals scored by Paul Iyopa and Marcus Megumi, both rising up above their respective markers to head the ball in from inswinging corners.

Despite the setback, Ropa-Topia rallied briefly towards the end, but it was left to Trent Kuonji to bang the final nail into their World Cup coffin by deftly lobbing the ball into the goal after spotting the Ropa-Topian keeper Jaspers of her line.

The final whistle was the cue for a series of wild celebrations, both inside Sakura Park and throughout the colony. Indeed, one traffic official in downtown Anyuna got a little bit carried away...

http://212.77.178.138/2006//user/72316/vorschau/72316_163122.jpg


And so the Fire Ants now jet out to Az-Cz, where upon arriving at their designated training complex near the Temple of Yak they will begin preparations immediately for their first game, against no less than the hosts themselves, Az-Cz. Their second game sees them journey to the Ben Degly Pagoda to face Demot, after which they'll return to the Temple for their final group game against fellow Takilans Milchama.

So rejoice Northern Bettians everywhere, for your beloved team has put our fledlging nation on the map! Rejoice! Rejoice!



Fixtures / Results


MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT

First Round, Group E

01: Az-Cz................Yak
02: Demot................BenD
03: Milchama.............Yak

Qualifying Playoff

PO: Ropa Topia...........HOME....W 5-2

Qualifying Group Two

01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away....W 3-1
16: Zwangzug.............Away....D 1-1
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME....W 3-2
18: Cafundéu.............HOME....L 2-6

Chi Sun-Times-Tribune-Domestic-International-Star-News-Today

Sports Section

Milchama get easy group

In what must be considered one of the easiest groups on record, with first timers, low ranked hosts, and an up and coming side that still won't give us problems until World Cup 36 or so. Coach Damian Hill said, "Screw the tautabager, if they eat round the side dish and bake past the full dish and through the half dish will anybody know? no. Let's go." He is quite obviously insane. So now we present the infamous Milchamian predictions:

Northern Bettia (4)- First timers in the world cup, BoF champions, that's all nice and swell except that, means that they have a very very low ranking, espiecially by World Cup proper standards. This ensures a nice easy friendly game in which Milchama romps, except that these guys are known cheaters which just means the game becomes less friendly as Milchama romps, because we cheat back, always.
Milchama (2)- That's us, finally in an easy group with actual expectations in the world cup. We have been to outrounds 3 times while none of the other sides in this group can claim anything past the group stage. What does all this mean? An easy victory for the Warriors with 9, maybe 7 points and a trip to the next stage.
Demot (3)- They qualified last cup and had their welcome to the World Cup spanking. Now they are back and looking to actually be respectable, while they may nip a point off of Az-Cz (unlikely) and beat Northern Bettia (most definitely) don't expect much more than that. And certainly do not expect advancement.
Az-cz (1)- With their biasedly rigged draw to give the hosts an easy group the gnomes only have one team that is anywhere near their level (us) and while this game maybe hard you should expect, because of history, Milchama to win while Az-Cz "settles" for second place with 6 points.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile on the training ground,

"No, not there, perfect nice job."

"Why are we practicing this coach?"

"To beat the fire ants at their own game, if they can cheat then so can we doggonit so let us do it"

"Ok"

"So then let's go, come on guys, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH HARDER!!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"How big is this city?"

"Really really big"

"Yeh too big, let's go home"

"Ok"

"Take us back to the airport"

"We're still there"

'WHAT?"

"Ok then let us out"

"Fine"

GLOBO MULTIMEDIA - WORLD CUP 33 SPECIAL COVERAGE
COMMENTS ABOUT THE GROUP STAGE
Interview with Erasmo Carlos Jowenguard by Breno Gavião

BRENO GAVIÃO - "Welcome herrrrre to our special prrrrrogram prrrrre-World Cup! I'm Brrrrreno Gavião, host of Globo Multimedia's sport channel! Today we'll hear the comments of the director of Cafundéu's National Teams, Errrrrasmo Carrrrrlos Jowenguard! Thanks for coming, misterrrrr!"

E.JOWENGUARD - "Well... aham... thanks, Breno. I still didn't see the group draw. I would like to see if we have chances to go to the next stage or not."

BRENO - "Of course you'd like. So, let's see":

Jeruselem (3)
Cafundéu (37)
Sel Appa (52)
Assegai Developments (57)

ERASMO - "Bwahahahahahahha... cough...cough..."

BRENO - "What happened, why arrrrre you laughing?"

ERASMO - "I don't know, but I couldn't resist when I saw the group."

BRENO - "So, what arrrrre your comments?"

ERASMO - "Let's see. In terms of group phase, we're third. In terms of rankings, we're second. So, I think that we'll be fighting for the second place with the other three teams, excluding Jeruselem, which will probably finish in the first place. This will be a tough battle between the us, Sel and Assegai."

BRENO - "Yes, so let's say something about each one of our thrrrrree opponents, starrrrrting with Jeruselem."

ERASMO - "The favourites, of course. An interesting fact is that in the group stage we played against the last champions Ariddia, and now we'll play against the runner-ups. They're surely a dangerous team and if we get a draw will be excellent."

BRENO - "Sel Appa?"

ERASMO - "A nice and strong team, can give work to all the teams of the group, with their unpredictable strategy of play. It'll be another difficult game, but we have to try to win this one, as we're wanting a place in the second round."

BRENO - "Assegai?"

ERASMO - "Nearly the same situation of Sel Appa, a strong team. The only difference is that they had a better performance in the group stage than the turtles, so they are in better form. Another difficult game, another one which we will have to try to win."

BRENO - "Anything else to add?"

ERASMO - "We can qualify. We already played a World Cup before and played in Az-Cz before. So, we're strong candidates for a place in the next stage. Another interesting thing is that all the teams in our group have some kind of relationship with Cafundéu, good or bad, so it'll be interesting."

BRENO - "So you're confident?"

ERASMO - "Of course, we'll play all our games away!"

BRENO - "Thanks for coming."

He-Los turned to his friend Ja-So. "Check this out. Just like the Milchamians to get all the facts wrong."

"What do you mean He-Los?"

"In the Milchaman whatever whatever newspaper in their analysis of the group draw they claim that no other teams in their group have made it past the group stages. Which of course we did two cups ago in Vilita. They also thought Demot was in the last cup, which of course, is also not the case. I also think they're smoking crack if they think we rigged the draw."

"Word. If we were going to do that we'd have put ourselves in Jeruselem's group. I'd love to be in the same group as our punching bag, Sel Appa. And Assegai Developments is basically the same level of team. I certainly wouldn't have put us in a group with the team that eliminated us last cup."

"True dat mi amigo. I hope we can prove those Milchamans wrong and beat them this time around. You think Pizelkaxrovsky's got the game?"

"Well he'll be the best player on the pitch, but our defense has got to hold up. But before we get there we have to hope to make it through our opening match against the Fire Ants."

"True, those dirty fuckers. Where's the proper friendly sporting atmosphere. Cheatiing to win isn't winning at all."

Demot Daily ~ Making It All

The Dynamo are back in to the Proper, making their second trip in four attempts, and feeling pretty darn confident about thier chances of making the knockouts. With first timers Northern Bettia, and the utterly ignorant retards of Milchama, getting a victory against each should be an easy affair, and with six points, advancement would be almost certain. The tricky match looks to be against the co-hosts of Az-cz, luckily that they will not be facing each other until the final matchday in the group stage. The Dynamo should be able to get the upper hand on the Milchama squad in the first day, as the enter the Finals on a run of four straight wins, and unbeaten in 9 of their last ten matches, the lone loss coming in a three to two defeat in the Holy Empire. Not only are the Dynamo are in inreadable form, but the stupid Milchamaians are showing their ignorance in their press. They have it stated that the Dynamo made it into the Proper last tournament, when everyone knows that it was two Cups ago since last they visited the Promised Land. In addition, they have it in their previews that no other squad has made it past the group stage and that the Gnomes rigged the draw. Such blatent ignorance can only mean that they are either increadabily stupid, and would have no chance on the pitch, or that they are soo blind in their perception of squads, that they will vastly underestimate their oppenents and will suffer the conseuqences of doing so.

On a lighter note, we were able to get ahold of outspoken captain David Masteron, and he sure gave us a great bit.
"Well it's nice that we are back on the grand stage once more. This squad has really come together over the past few weeks, and we have some excellent chemistry going on. I think if we are too make some noise and possible make a run, this should be our time, as me and most of the other veterans likely will not be around when the next tournament comes. Sure our youth is promising, but at competitions like this, expierence plays such an important role, that without it, you are almost guranteed a few hiccups here and there. It would be a shame to see the Dynamo stuggle after all our hard work we put into it to build this program up. With that said, I am looking to leave it all out on the pitch when the time comes, and will hope that my mates will do the same. Other press are doubting our chances of doing anything, but all that does is fire us up more, and give fuel to the fire of desire that is brewing heavily in our hearts and in our minds."

Predicted Finish
Az-cz
Demot
Northern Bettia
Milchama

Article by Jasmine Olyvander

"Did you get the fact checkers before you submitted this article?"

"Since when did we have fact checkers?"

"True"

"Don't forget for one second that we managed to turn Peter Hobble into a warewolf after he scored against us despite playing in another game at the same time"

"And we have always been arrogant bastards"

"True, that's how we got our first rivals, The Lowland Clans, for calling ourselves better than them and actually thinking we could qualify"

"Wait what about the international conspiracy talk?"

"Remember Douglas Jefferey?"

"Yes"

"Well we've been doing that forever, so its not like anything new is coming here we just managed to combine all our worst qualities into one post"

"Anyway we do call them the infamous Milchamian predictions for a reason"

"True dat, true dat"

"Now will you stop screaming at me"

"Sure"

“Good afternoon to you and yours, wherever you may be this fine afternoon across the Armed Republic of Assegai Developments. This is Mikaela Eyre coming at you live from the Assegai Sports Network studios, where today we will release the starting 11 that Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga submitted for group play in the NationStates World Cup XXXIII.

“We will also speak to Assegai players Severus Snape, Samantha Neesa, Ashley Riot, Akihiko Yoshida and Callo Merlose regarding their Group F opponents and the team’s chances in the World Cup.”

As she finishes, a huge monitor slowly descends. It flickers to life and the Assegai Developments Football Association logo is seen.

“As announced by Sir Knight Zúniga, here is the starting 11 for the World Cup…”

Goaltender
#42 Akihiko Yoshida – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#4 Francis Rowe – (Sutina Saints, Fort Europe)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#5 Severus Snape – (F.C. Capri, Elves Security Forces)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#20 Samantha Neesa – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

“As you can see, the same 11 that started most games in qualifying are still there, with the exception of defender Barnard Mallowburne, who has been replaced by Francis Rowe.

“Along with the roster, Sir Knight Zúniga included a note stating that he saw no reason to mess with the lineup that tore through the qualifying phase. He also explained that the substitution of Rowe for Mallowburne was rooted more in Rowe’s development as a solid defender than in Mallowburne’s performance.”

She turns to face the monitor and the image flickers a bit before we see Severus, Samantha, Ashley, Akihiko and Callo, wearing their Assegai Developments warm-up gear.

“Hey team, how goes it in Az-cz?” she asks them.

“Great!” they all say in unison.

“Things are well here in Az-cz,” says Ashley. “This place reminds us a lot of Assegai Developments, to be honest. Everything from the well-preserved, classic and medieval style of architecture to the tales of the legendary Shangri-La, a city which was located deep underground. This is very, very similar to our own Leá Mode Underground. To those tuning in from other nations, the Leá Mode Underground is a massive city that lies beneath Leá Mode, the capital of Assegai, and which holds many dark secrets.

“So yeah, we feel at home, and the denizens of Az-cz City have been very friendly and helpful during our first week here,” he adds.

“So, what do you think about your opponents in Group F?” she asks no one in particular.

“Well,” says Severus, pausing for a bit. “It must be said… How ironic is it that we get lumped with Cafundeu? All due respect to their team, but now we have to bear with these meandering game reports and have to listen to that fool, wannabe drunk pirate Breno Gavião, who sounds like he fell off his family tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

The other players break into fits of giggles and laughter, except for Ashley, who glares at Severus.

“Come’on, Severus,” Ashley says. “We haven’t even played them and you’re already talking crap about them?”

“Fine, fine…” Severus grumbles.

“Actually, we know that Cafundeu is a tough team,” Samantha says. “I think we can beat them, but, to tell you the truth, I would really hate to lose to them.”

“Okay, team, what about Jeruselem?” Mikaela asks.

“Good, strong team,” says Akihiko. “Very difficult task for us. Nothing is impossible, but Jeruselem is a worthy opponent. I will face them with brave heart and fierce determination.”

“Yeah, if they don’t finish top of the table, I’d be very surprised,” says Callo. “I mean, they almost won it all last time, and I think they’d love to begin another run to the final by feasting on us lower-ranked teams.”

“Finally, what do you think about Sel Appa and their infamous bribing scandal?” Mikaela asks.

“Oh…what a pity,” Ashley says. “They had a modest following in Assegai. Then, when word came of how they tried to bribe their way to World Cup XXXII, you couldn’t believe the disappointment and loathing that followed. That said, I still think they’re a decent team, but I think we have a very good chance of beating them.”

“By the way, word from neighboring Turruth Gordur is that thousands of their supporters will be attending World Cup games in support of Assegai, as well as Cup of Harmony games in support of Fort Europe,” she tells them.

“Is that so?” responds Callo. “I saw a few fans wearing Turruth Gordur jerseys earlier today, but I had no idea they were here to support us. I think it’s great that they’re here! It’s also nice to see them supporting Fort Europe, who we miss seeing in the Proper with us.”

“Actually, we ran into a few Fort Europe supporters the other day,” Severus says. “They were wearing Fort Europe jerseys and Assegai caps; it was really encouraging.”

“You know, what’s really encouraging is the rise in sale of Samantha Neesa jerseys and other items,” says Callo, nudging Samantha, who is blushing and trying to hide it. “Goodness, the girl bares her goodies and she’s a national heroine.”

“Oh, stop it, Callo!” squeals Samantha. “You know why I did it. I have no regrets, but I dunno if I’d do it again. Maybe if we advance to the second round… hee!”

“Pssh…girl, in that case, I’d take my top off, too,” says Callo, laughing.

“Goodness,” says Ashley, shaking his head. “This is getting out of hand.”

“Well team, thanks for your comments today,” says Mikaela. “By the way, have any of you communicated with the Elves Security Forces squad?”

“I did,” says Callo. “I emailed Kyla Night and told her we’re cheering for them. I think she might drop her top if they advance, too… hee!”

“Okay…that’s enough of this,” says Ashley in a serious tone. “Thanks, Mikaela. Hopefully we can win our first match against Sel Appa. A win against the Turtles would set us off just right.”

“Thanks again, team,” says Mikaela. “Good luck! All of Assegai is with you!”

The players wave as the monitor fades to black.

“Thanks for joining us tonight for this special report, live from Az-cz. Catch us for a post-game report after Assegai’s first match against Sel Appa. For now, this is Mikaela Eyre signing off!”

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v495/juvanya/groupbanner.png
Az-cz Region--Group F

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sel_appa.png Sel Appa (4)
http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png Cafundéu (3)
http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/jeruselem.png Jeruselem (1)
http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments (2)

An interesting group with a fellow newbie to the Finals, Assegai Developmints. This will be a tough uphill battle, but Sel Appa could pull it off with the right stuff. The team needs to pull together and realize that THIS IS THE WORLD CUP FINALS! and not the sissy qualifiers. Always optimistic, Coach Charles DuPont says his team is "ready and able" to go through. And it certainly is possible for the Turtles to take second place in group and head to the knockout rounds. Let's take a look at the matches:

Matchday 1:
Sel Appa vs. Assegai Developments (Slimes Stadium)
Our first match will be a bit tough against the Riskbreakers. A fairly well-developed side, Assegai is at their first Finals just like us. Both sides will need this match to get through. A draw will make it uncertain which team will make it to the Knockout Rounds. The match will be well-fought.
Sel Appa 2-1 Assegai Developments

Jeruselem vs. Cafundéu (Shangri-La)
Cafundéu, a popular team in Sel Appa (when we aren't playing them), faces a huge powerhouse in Jeruselem, who managed to get second place last Cup. Cafundéu also was in the 32nd World Cup, but could not break from their group and only were able to pull off a 1-1 draw against Fmjphoenix. Jeruselem should win this match hands down.
Jeruselem 2-1 Cafundeu

Matchday 2:
Sel Appa vs. Jeruselem (Slimes Stadium)
The Turtles face an extremely tough side here and will have trouble breaking through their defense. Jeruselem is ranked in the top ten and is much-favored to win. Few bets have been reported on Sel Appa winning, but they might just pull a win off, or even a draw. Nonetheless, the odds are strongly against us.
Sel Appa 0-2 Jeruselem

Cafundéu vs. Assegai Developments (Shangri-La)
This will be an interesting match, placing a one-time veteran against a new team. Cafundéu poses a threat to Assegai and will probably use their previous cup experience to their advantage. The Riskbreakers might pull off a win, and will need it too.
Cafundéu 2-2 Assegai Developments

Matchday 3:
Sel Appa vs. Cafundéu (Shangri-La)
This will prove the most interesting and decisive match for both teams. Furthermore, this matchup was one of the most-wanted by Sel Appans, who enjoy Cafundéu's spectacular team. The Turtles lack the Finals experience Cafundéu has, but still have a good, solid team to make up for it. A long and hard-fought match will be the result of this vital match that will probably be the most viewed of all six.
Sel Appa 1-1 Cafundéu

Jeruselem vs. Assegai Developments (Slimes Stadium)
Jeruselem heads for another fairly-easy match that they should win. Assegai may be able to draw this powerhouse if they can somehow distract the Jeruselem players, perhaps with that superwhore Dazza Dallas, or whatever her name is.
Jeruselem 2-0 Assegai Developments


Final Group Standings:
Team |W|D|L|GF|GA|NG|PT|
---------|-|-|-|--|--|--|--|
Jeruselem|3|0|0| 6| 1|+5| 9|
Sel Appa |1|1|1| 3| 4|-1| 4|
Cafundéu |0|2|1| 4| 5|-1| 2|
Assegai |0|1|2| 3| 6|-3| 1|

Jeruselem easily goes through undefeated, Sel Appa slides through with a rainbow, Cafundéu does not get the win they need, and finally Assegai is at the bottom, unable to get enough points.

The Crimson Blade

Turtles in a Half-Shell?

Assegai Developments makes its NationStates World Cup debut against the Turtles of Sel Appa, a decent team that was embroiled in match-fixing scandal that tarnished their once respectable image.

Although none of those shenanigans will be allowed at this stage, the Riskbreakers of Assegai still expect a difficult task ahead of them. First, there are those jitters that might affect the team early on. Second, the team must maintain that same determination and tenacity that propelled them to 14 wins in 18 qualifying matches.

Third, and most important, Assegai must win. After this, it’s an uphill climb against Cafundeu and Jeruselem. So, debuting with a victory is very important for the team’s chances of advancing to the second round.

As announced earlier, Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga has released his roster for the Proper, and it is this starting 11 which will take the Slimes Stadium field against Sel Appa.

Goaltender
#42 Akihiko Yoshida – (Rinaldi Gunners, Elves Security Forces)

Defenders
#22 Jan Rosencrantz - (Ascama United, Fort Europe)
#4 Francis Rowe – (Sutina Saints, Fort Europe)
#7 John Müllenkamp – (Cathedral Phantoms F.C.)
#2 A.J. Durai – (A.C. Leá Monde)

Midfielders
#31 Alys Spicer – (Matata Wanderers, Fort Europe)
#10 Ashley Riot (C) – (Assegai Developments F.C.)
#45 Duane Grissom – (Kibuye F.C., The Interahamwe)

Forwards
#5 Severus Snape – (F.C. Capri, Elves Security Forces)
#11 Sidney Losstarot – (Mar Sara Flames, Elves Security Forces)
#20 Samantha Neesa – (Char Sara Inferno, Elves Security Forces)

About 27,000 Assegai, Turruth Gordur and Fort Europe supporters are expected to be in attendance cheering for the Riskbreakers.

Upcoming Match

(52) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sel_appa.png Sel Appa

VS
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments

@ Slimes Stadium – Az-cz City, Az-cz

Rami's Group G Guide

TYNELIA: I'm going to be honest with you, I've not done my homework on these guys. But the formbook would suggest that the Aces would be the underdogs for this one. If we can get the three points here, it could be pivotal for both teams.

SPRUITLAND: The Wabbits could be kicking the bucket here. Trouble ahead for the men in green; this must be three points for the lads.

SQUORNSHELOUS: World's best eight years ago, and favourites to qualify. Hopefully, this will be a game for the top of the group only, as this will be the hardest game of the group.

Rami's verdict: We're hosed.

A group of rejistanis were on the way to Quakmybush or kevakmyivux, as they call it. The national team and the unavoidable group of reporters, following the Lasane like rats would follow a meal. Among the team was a surprisingly high amount of Kspreadites, a rejistani version of the excelite faith. Apparently the exiled Progressans living in Rejistania did make an impact on the rejistani culture.

The rejistani coach looked thoughtfully at a sheet of paper in his hands. it contans the names of the teams in the Rejistani group D as well as some notes he scribbled down left of them. He murmurred the names, thoughtfully and pondering: "Turori, Rejistaniha, Ivettija eje yjavor xi", which of course means: Turori, Rejistania, Bettia and Yafor 2.

"Hawhinh tra'l?" asked the 'good soul of the team, Heje. It of course means: "Having trouble?"

"Juset h~sinkinj..." he replied.

"Whill Whe 'jisu 'em az iv 'ere iz no sijehi?"

The rejistani national coach smiled. "with luck and sekill, jes!"

A couple quick knocks on the door interrupted Karl in his office, before Nick opened the door just a crack in order to see what he was doing.

"What are all those?"

What had grabbed Nick's attention was a large pile of newspapers lying on one of the sides of Karl's desk. They were all sections from newspapers in foreign countries, most, if not all, headlining the 33rd World Cup in one way or another.

"Nothing much. Just some foreign World Cup previews. Some of them irritated me at first, but now they're just becoming a laugh."

"Why? They badmouthing us?"

"Yep. Wanna here some of the crap they're spewing?"

"Sure."

"Let's see... we'll start with Qazox, one of our groupmates. Those guys don't make much sense at all, really. First they call us a 'Group of Death', while I'd say it's an easier group. Then, they make some comment about us wanting to 'come back.' If they're referring to World Cup 24, I'd rather forget, and keep history from 28 onward, rather than 'coming back.' Finally, they say that we may be 'the best match of the three', then proceed to put us last in the group."

"Next, our hosts in Az-Cz. According to them, we 'didn't build on their surprise showing from last cup.' Despite the fact that we won our qualifying group. I'd say that's continuing upward, wouldn't you? Anyways, they say "The Lowland Clans will continue in fine form and Wentland will surprise in second." However, if the Lowland Clans is having to use the playoffs as a crutch, I daresay they're not exactly in 'fine form', and from what these other papers are telling me, Wentland's been picked rather a lot, and it's not really a surprise if everyone and their brother picks them."

"Then we have Tynelia. They're another one who call Wentland a surprise second, just like everyone else, and then say something about us 'advancing in our group because of off cups from Starblaydia and Liverpool England.' First of all, back at the beginning of qualifying, most people called us shoe-ins, and secondly, I'm pretty sure there's a difference between winning the group and barely advancing."

"Oh, here we go. A bunch of total blockheads from Elves Security Forces. Word for word from them: "Geisenfried is easily going to be the worst off squad in the group, and get trounced once, if not twice." Funny, last time I checked we were a top twenty team in the world, the second highest ranked team in that group, had the second best record in the group, won our qualifying division and the best record/rank combination from qualifying in our group. I don't really see how we're going to get 'trounced.' Then they go on and predict themselves getting in. Elves are said to be exceptionally wise, but from this, they just seem to be exceptionally full of bullshit."

"I see where you're coming from, but I think you're being a tad biased."

"Well, what do you expect?"

"Yeah, I know, I know. Who's got us going in so far?"

"So far? Just one... ours."

From the bottom of the pile, Karl grabbed the Konigseifert Chronicle sports page, unfolded it and showed it to Nick.

"...you're shitting me, right?"

"Nope."

"What're the group predictions from them?"

"Let's see... 'While Qazox performed strong in qualifying, they did against teams who for the most part, played lacklusterly. Yes, they beat Krytenia, but let's face it: as the number one team, did they really care that much about qualifying other than making sure they at least got in? We think that now the World Cup's actually starting, Qazox'll be a bit too ego-inflated to adjust to the difference. Zero wins, one draw, two losses for a point and fourth place. Then we have Wentland, who managed to break their curse last time at World Cup 32, and have returned once again. While we can't really find anything horribly wrong with them, they aren't exactly outstanding either. One win, zero draws, two losses for three points and third place. The Lowland Clans, while having improved from a perpetual midrank to one of the top ranks, did not perform to well in qualifying, needing the playoffs to get in. While that doesn't mean they're destined to failure, they probably won't perform up to form to their rank. They're still probably strong enough to get in though. One win, one draw, one loss, four points, second place, and advancement to the knockouts. Finally, we have ourselves. While we can't say we're such a good team that this is an easy pick, we actually can't find much fault in the team: they managed to take their qualifying division, which may not be everything, but they also have a strong enough rank to get somewhere, especially when compared to the others in this group. But we're probably just a bit biased to our own team. Anyways, Three wins, zero draws, zero losses, nine points, first place, and advancement into the knockouts."

"Hm. Who else did they pick to go on?"

"Give me a second. Ariddia, Quakmybush, Commerce Heights, Casari, Rejistania, Bettia, Milchama, Az-Cz, Jeruselem, Cafundeu, Squornshelous, Krytenia, Schiavonia, and the Archregimancy."

"To win?"

"Schiavonia. 'While as we mentioned earlier, qualifying isn't exactly an indicator of how well one does in the World Cup, these guys have not only played strong, but have enough World Cup experience and a strong enough rank where it wouldn't be unheard of for them to take the World Cup. And that's what we think they'll do.'"

"Interesting. Well, see you later, Karl."

"Seeya, Nick..."

The Daily Quak
Do We Still Remember How to Do This?

Well, the Quakmybush National Soccer Team will be playing its first match of any importance in the longest time. The team got placed in an extremely difficult group, with Ariddia, Bazalonia and Oliverry. We are hoping that us and Bazalonia advance, but that could be, and most likely be very tough. Gary Hughes has been selected to be the captain for this go around and he will be hoping to lead the team to glory in his last ever World Cup. Now for the standard predictions.

Group A
Well, thats our group, we think that Quakmybush and Bazalonia will advance in what will be a tight group.

Bazalonia
Quakmybush
Ariddia
Oliverry


Bazalonia will go 3-0-0, while the Sharks will go 2-0-1. With Ariddia going 0-1-2, and beating Oliverry on goal diffential.

THE MONASTIC TIMES

ARCHREGIMANCY TO PLAY BLINDFOLDED
Difficult Campaign Predicted

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Faced with the prospect of playing in a nation of nudist atheistic thieves during Great Lent, and with half of their first round matches scheduled to take place sacriligeously in a demonically-themed place of burial, the Monastic Football Association today announced that the Archregimancy's national football team would be playing all of its first round World Cup matches while wearing blindfolds.

"We realise that this is highly inconvenient for the players" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity "but, under the circumstances, I'm sure every monastic football fan will understand."

The Monastic Football Association is also believed to have insisted that all Archregimancy matches be televised through a 'bird's eye view' from directly overhead, so as to avoid the soul-destroying sight of naked gnomes gamboling and cavorting carelessly through the stands.

With the Archregimancy drawn against perennial powerhouses Starblaydia, environmental atheists Errinundera and the undefeated Catholic schismatics of Schiavonia, the Monastic Times predicts a difficult campaign for the blindfolded monks.

"Dude, this movie is going to be awesome." Cameron said.

"Ya, I know, it sounded pretty bad ass." his friend Ryne said. As the two teenagers walked into the movie theater the sign above them said; Korat! Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Quakmybush.

"I come to this nation.... Bostopissa..... it very nice, especially this castle that looks likes a large penis in the middle of this large fort. The Emperor and Empress of Bostopissa live here. That Empress..... she a very nice! She a make me happy in the pants!" Korat said.

"Ahahahahahahha" the whole audience laughed.

"Then there was this holiday, about the marriage between pants happy lady and the Emperor, all the guards were dressed in tin foil. So I asked them why were they dressed in tin foil. They proceeded to kick me out of the castle with the penis in the middle.

Another laugh burst across the theater.

"I then met these guys, named a Guy Boogerson, and Lube Donharr, and the told me about this cat that was trapped in a tree. I wanted to go rescue a this cat. I go to this town called a, Squigg and i get the cat but then, I dropped it. All of a sudden people started to attack me. *Shows a lady with a cane beating Korat*

A huge roar of laughter from the audience.

"Then, I went to this place called Fenton. I a walk down the street and boobies are everywhere! But then.... there is a penis' everywhere too. Then I realize that everybody is nekkid! Then I take a my pants off and everyone is impressed. Then I a try to get funky with a girl. It no work, I go to jail, and it no good." *shows Korat in a shower with soap on a rope*

Another burst of laughter.

"My diplomatic immunity got me off of all charges, and now I tell this story, and make a few dollars, that i spend on hookers."

"Wow, that was an awesome movie, cmon, we have to go watch the Quakmybush vs Oliverry." Cameron said.

"Ya, let's go" Ryne said.

Group A-Class

That's right, The Bazalopes are once again in the World Cup and not only that but once again they were facing the host nation. Last time it was Milchama, this time it is Quakmybush.

Here are the nations in the group

Group A:

Bazalonia
Quakmybush
Ariddia
Oliverry

Bazalonia v Ariddia -- PvP, Hah, I hear you ask What do you mean by that. It means President - Vice President. Yes not only is Bazalonia doing battle for hosting rights against Ariddia but we are also battling of for the rights to host the 34th World cup. Will this match be a pre-cursor for the battle for Hosting rights? or will it be just another match in the World Cup? Predicted result 3-2 Bazalonian win.

Bazalonia v Oliverry -- The Official non-german, but indeed French nation of Oliverry will probably be the easiest match for the Bazalopes. Despite no matches being easy the Bazalopes still should come ahead over these once great frenchmen.

Bazalonia v Quakmybush -- The Hosts, and top seeds in the group Quakmybush are going to be hard, the Bazalopes still remember last World Cup where they only managed a single point in the group round, also in group A where they faced the Milchamian Warriors on home soil. Will all my predictions falter? or will they prove the curse is just a myth? Either case Bazalopes lose 1-3

---

"So this is Quakmybush?!" stated a young Bazalonian child. "Yes. And here's a map of it. Over there is Fenton, here is the captial, where parliment sits and here is where we are going. We've booked a hotel."

"Mummy, I want to go see a Quakmybushian movie.. perhaps Korat?"

"No, It's not for children, perhaps we could go and see if they have The Prop to rent? But mummy, I want to see Korat, It's really funny."

"No, Korat is out of the question and that's final, but we can get The Prop instead."

"Oh, okay... Mummy? How about Extinction?"

"NO!"

Kiso Night is sitting at his desk, writing an e-mail to his good friend Samantha Neesa

To: Samantha Neesa

I saw what you did for me, and I would just like to let you know that I laughed my bum off afterwards. However, it touches me that you kept such an outrageous promise, and know that I'll be rooting for you and your entire team as we both progress in this tournament, each on our own road of destiny. Perhaps it would be fate's way of saying that we can be more than friends if the two squads were to meet in the knockouts. If not, well I will not be one to be deterred soo easily, as I do have feelings for you. I hope that I am not being presumptious by assuming that you have some for me, for if I am, then let me know soon so that I may end the confliction between my upbringing and the sway of the heart.

Sincerely,
Kiso Night

He then hits enter, and awaits anxiously for his crush' reply.

Diary Entry 019

As I continue for the search of enlightenment, I ponder why it is that I feel soo conflicted. Maybe the lackening of my faith is what troubles the internal soul, and that is why I find myself writing these words at night, just hoping that the world will eventual make some sort of sence.

Rise Again

It begins with the soft whispers on the wind that I so faintly hear
A small sence of something wrong
That somehow the world has changed ever so slightly
A momentary lapse in the activites I was engrossed in
But it fades like all things do
Until you return from where you came
And here the news
Like a leave in the wind
You let your emotions be controlled by the raging rapids of the mind
Until you reach a point where feelings become all too entangled
And you just have to feel the hurt
Stand alone in this world of many
Even if there is comfort a group
This is a trial that must be passed
And as you think you reach the bottom
The silver lining makes itself known to you
You must see rainbow at the end of the day
You must rise again over this troublesome time
And continue on
Until the last heartbeat hits the floor

~ David Masteron

OCC: For those interested, these pieces I've been posting by Masteron are actually pieces I've written over the last three years.

http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/turori/images/logo.gif

Magical Kits Unveiled


No one really cared too much about the details about it, as the man without a proper name from a tribe in the farthest reaches of Vilita, so far, in fact, that the only trade and interaction that the tribe participates in is in fact with the Island Emirate of Turori, geographically closer to the tribe's location than any major Vilitan city, spoke about the nations new kits for the World Cup 33 Finals. Dubbed "Riailia Magic" by the media representing his Vilitan tribe, of the Riailia Village, and the magical way he has led the Turori Eels back to the World Cup Finals since taking over as manager, including a marvelous 7-1 thrashing of former World Cup Champions Squornshelous, breaking a duck that no manager could previously so much as quak at, the newly appointed Turorian Head Coach talked about a "return to the roots of the nation" in the new kit design.

No one actually supposed that the manager himself actually had much to do with the kit design, but then again, once the question was never supposed, it had to be considered. He's no spoiled footballer, he's a villager who has worked hard his whole life, perhaps the kits were in fact his idea, especially with the details he seemed to be going over from it. Referring to the sweeping arc of color, similar in spirit to those that were seen on the Nations first ever kits during their debut campaign in World Cup 15. Speaking of the native Turorian text representing the nation instead of the national badge. Nothing this man was speaking would have led any onlooker to believe he grew up within the bounds of Vilita.

Finally, the man who had spoken little publicly before this day, shut up. If a picture was worth a thousand words, then there were going to have to be a lot of pictures taken when the new kits came out to offset the magic man's speech. But finally, the kits were unveiled.

http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/sports/kits/wc/turoriwc33.gif


There were some Ooo's, and some Aaah's. There were some Ewww's as well, but the journalist from Az-Cz was quickly escorted to the latreen where they were able to relieve their repulsed reactions through the traditional porcelain hug.

Then, a third kit. And the colors on this one were not traditional Turorian, nor was there any indication of the justification in the long-winded talk by Riailia Magic just moments before. Then, to the horror of the audience, he began to speak again. As if the audience was supposed to know, he began to explain about how this particular kit was to be worn, tactically, against Bettia. "We've had mixed results in the past, in the AOCAF competition with Vilita & Turori and the red kits" Magic stated, "But, the ones that failed did not look as nice as this one. With this kit, we cannot lose, and Bettia will be our toughest opponents."


http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/sports/kits/wc/turoriwc33red.gif



The press conference - turned fashion show ended just as the journalist from Az-Cz returned wondering if their recent trip to the porcelain had somehow affected their vision, as a non-brown based Turorian kit apparently stood at the front of the room. Now, the only question left for Turorian supporters, are Magic's kit designing skills going to enhance or detract from the magic that saw Turori pull off an improbable winning streak to move from 5th into the Qualification places in the final days of World Cup Qualifying.

Riailia Magic and his posse of MagiKit clad tribesmen then left the room with confidently brimming smiles on their faces before anyone realized that they had not in fact entertained a question and answer session. Apparently, Magic had spoken so much that no one could really think of anything important enough to ask, that, or they were still trying to jot down notes on their miniature script pads to realize that the persons of interest were leaving the room. Somewhat stunned, the reporters slowly swooped in on the donut table before exiting the room and moving to a hotel down the road to a scheduled Yafor 2 press conference. Oddly enough, when they arrived at the hotel, a sign hung on the door said only "Closed, until hell freezes over." Confused, the media decided not to wait for a freeze, especially as many were wearing short sleeved shirts, and they decided to make the MagiKits the focus of their Group D reports for the day.




http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/turori/images/turbot.gif

It's a wonderful sunny day in downtown Pifton. There, in the Pie and Pixie situated in the middle of the High Street (not literally though - I mean, a café that size would completely block the road), the regulars are gearing themselves up for the Aroras first match in the World Cup finals. As the majority of the regulars watch and laugh at the sight of their all-arora ice hockey team doing the business in Bedistan, we see George and his son Ben sat at the table, peering at his brand spanking new laptop computer.

Just then, Ali walks into the café with his pet arora Bapty cradled in his arm fast asleep. He walks a few steps towards his friends, then stops, staring at the windowsill acrodd the room - or more specifically, what is on the windowsill, for sitting there proudly is a framed photo of soccer's favourite strumpet, draped with what looks like a miniature pink boa and surrounded by small tea-light candles and rose petals.

"George?" he asks a little too loudly. "Have you been making shrines to Dazza Dallas again?"

"Ummm, yes?" he replied nervously. "Nice, huh?" he beams.

Ali shakes his head and tuts before taking his place at the table. "So what have we got here, you sad old bastard?"

"It's a new football stats and prediction program. I'm just inputting data for our group." Ben pipes up. "Here we go - match one..."

OPPONENTS: Rejistania
CURRENT FORM: lWWlWl
HEAD-TO-HEAD: Played: 0
COMMENTS: Formerly Karelan, now gloriously Takilan. Could be plenty of goals.
PREDICTION: The sun will come up tomorrow

"The sun will come up tomorrow?" Ali asked, looking rather confused by the computer's random gibberish. "Erm, how much did you pay for this program again?"

"Oh, I got it cheap for just ten groats from this bloke at the market."

"Oh, so it's top quality then!" he replied sarcastically. "Come on, let's see what more drivel this thing can throw up..."

OPPONENTS: Turori
CURRENT FORM: WWwWwW
HEAD-TO-HEAD: Played: 3 - Lost: 3 - GF: 1 - GA: 8
COMMENTS: Team plays in red. Thoroughly evil. Probably want to destroy world.
PREDICTION: Aroras will wear blue to counteract Evil Eels

"Oooh, it finally got something right! Maybe this ain't a mile-high pile of shite after all!"

"Oh quiet Ali, you gumpy old fool. Let's see what it says for matchday three..."

OPPONENTS: Yafor 2
CURRENT FORM: lWwlWD
HEAD-TO-HEAD: Played: 4 - Won: 3 - Lost: 1 - GF: 12 - GA: 5
COMMENTS: Silver Wolves favour slight defensive tactics. Could be tough.
PREDICTION: You want fries with that?

"Ben - I hope you don't mind me saying this, but is it always this random?"

"Perhaps its score prediction algorithms need a bit of work."

"Oh, you reckon?"

"Ssssh... it's computing all the possible results and will now input them into a predicted league table."

They sat around, staring at the screen for half a minute or so before finally, the laptop announced with a loud BEEP that it had finished its work and was about to reveal all. This was it - the secrets of the future were about to be revealed. Would the Aroras march to glory on the world stage? Or would they get as far as the second round before being defeated by the eventual world champions?

Unfortunately, the computer had forgetten the golden rule - let sleeping Aroras lie. Bapty was suddenly woken from her slumber and before anyone could react, she onto the computer like a flash, ripping into it with her razor-sharp teeth in a fit of rage, shaking it around in her mouth like a rigid plastic rag-doll.

Eventually, Ali managed to seperate arora from machine, leaving Ben to stare sadly at the ex-laptop as it sadly spat out its last spark before dying completely. He sighed.

"Oh man... how are we going to predict our results now?"

"Ah well, I guess we'll just have to do it the old-fashioned way - watch the games. Predicting the future is for satanists anyway."


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT

Group D

01: Rejistania
02: Turori
03: Yafor 2

Friendly

FR: Az-Cz...................Away....W 4-2

Qualifying Group 1

01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away....W 5-3
16: Lovisa..................HOME....W 1-0
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away....W 3-0
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME....W 4-1

“Hello everyone and welcome to the segment ‘One on One’ where we at Sportsworld take time to have a quick question and answer segment with various sporting figures. I’m Matt Saunders and today’s guest is Tynelian player/coach Jay Masterson live via satellite from Az-cz. Welcome to the show Jay.”

“Thanks Matt, glad to be here, and even gladder to be in Az-cz.”

“Well that’s the first question we had today. How does it feel to finally make the Cup proper after six previous attempts?”

“Obviously I’m thrilled, I don’t think I could have justified staying on as even a part time player at age 50 if we didn’t get in this time.”

“And are you going to keep your claim of starting the first match against Krytenia?”

“Definitely Matt, of course I’ll probably only be out there for ten minutes or so since it’s the top team in the world and I don’t want to hold the team back. Tina’s already promised me she’ll have the oxygen mask ready on the sidelines for me when Duncan replaces me. But it will be a historic event seeing the top three scorers in Tynelian international soccer history all on the same line to start their first ever World Cup appearance.”

“Did someone give you a copy of my questions Jay? That leads right into my question about your asterisk comment regarding Connor MacDougal and your scoring record.”

“Well it only makes sense. All my goals were scored during group play alone. Connor tied me at 11 this time around and I hope he’ll add to that these next three matches but clearly those goals shouldn’t be included in his group play totals. Give him a new category to lead.”

“Along those same lines Coach, how does it feel to know that your all time scoring record could be broken by either Bill Jakes or MacDougal next time in only their third or fourth Cup?”

“Yeah that will sting a little Matt, I had to suffer through the early days where we really had trouble getting any offense established. We have much better rhythm offensively on the field these days which helps the kids out. But I don’t think the country will forget my time on the field.”

“Now getting onto your Cup group Coach, clearly you have a lot of work ahead facing this competition compared to some of the other top seeds. How do you plan to top these teams having never defeated any top five team in Tynelia’s history? And do you find it ironic that after years of, correctly as it turned out, being picked to never make it out of the group stage, that in a killer group like this some experts are now saying that Tynelia may very well advance to the knockouts?”

“Yeah it is pretty funny that all these people have done a 180 and now like our chances when in past cups they would picked unranked teams to finish ahead of us in group play. As far as how to beat these guys, we’ve actually lucked out this time.”

“Lucked out? How do you figure that Coach?”

“Well usually teams like Krytenia and Squornshelous mow everyone down on their way to the finals and its tough to find any films showing weakness. However both AD and Qazox did exceptionally well against Krytenia this time around so that has given us a quite a few recent game footage to study and see what has been working against them and where they have been having trouble. Likewise we have the footage of Turori’s 7-1 win of Squornshelous to look over for weaknesses there.”

“And Spruitland?”

“They didn’t have that strong a run in group play from the little I saw of them. If we play the way we have through the qualifiers and they don’t step up their game I have to say I think we’ll do well. They had to get in through the playoffs just to get in here so they might feel they have nothing to lose which makes them dangerous though. Of course with everyone ranked ahead of us we can play the same way since we certainly have nothing to lose here.”

“So what is your prediction for the team?”

“I don’t want to make predictions or anything like that, that stuff ends up on bulletin boards and just gets the other teams motivated. I will say I don’t expect us to go without a point here no matter how much higher ranked the other three teams are. Will we win the group? That seems unlikely but so was us winning our group in the qualifiers, I do expect us to at least make some sort of challenge for the second place spot before we’re done here. Either way Matt, just qualifying itself is a huge step forward for us and should be a boost for Tynelian soccer which has been suffering a bit of an image problem lately.”

“OK Coach, that’s all the time we have. Thanks for taking the time away from your preparations against Krytenia to join us here and good luck in the Cup.”

“Thanks Matt.”

RP Cutoff for MD 0.5

Group G
Tynelia (1)
Squornshelous (2)
Krytenia (3)
Spruitland (4)

Squornshelous are in for one hell of a ride, being placed in the same group as top ranked Krytenia. As if having two top five teams in the same group wasn't enough, we face off with them on our first match of the cup. A big win by one team could knock the other off balance enough to make progressing to the next round difficult, as we will have to be solid against Spruitland and Tynelia, both of whom are top 32 teams eager to move up further. The Pschychoes will have to keep focused and avoid the defensive letdowns that plagued the second half of our qualifying run.

Krytenia and Squornshelous, incidentally, have a pretty lively history against each other:
World Cup 29 Second Round: Krytenia 2-1 Squornshelous
World Cup 28 Group Stage: Squornshelous 1-1 Krytenia
The two teams also played to a draw in the WOrld Cup 24 group stage, and met twice in World Cup 23 Qualifying
ooc: I can't seem to find the threads though

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Ctibor: 15
Hermanni: 10
Latvala: 8
Jalmari: 6
Korov: 5
Petchukov: 5
Varg: 3
Armin: 4
Bergen: 1
Mortenson: 1
Roope: 1

Squornshelous' Schedule:
wins draws losses
QMD1: Squornshelous 1-0 Coocoostan
QMD2: Atheistic Right 0-2 Squornshelous
QMD3: Squornshelous 1-0 Nedalia
QMD4: Commerce Heights 1-1 Squornshelous
QMD5: Squornshelous 2-0 Kericia
QMD6: Altanar 4-1 Squornshelous
QMD7: Squornshelous 3-0 Turori
QMD8: Schorteskatascansolani 2-4 Squornshelous
QMD9: Squornshelous 6-3 Ropa-Topia
QMD10: Squornshelous 3-1 Commerce Heights
QMD11: Coocoostan 1-8 Squornshelous
QMD12: Squornshelous 1-2 Atheistic Right
QMD13: Nedalia 1-6 Squornshelous
QMD14: Turori 7-1 Squornshelous
QMD15: Squornshelous 1-0 Schorteskatascansolani
QMD16: Ropa-Topia 5-5 Squornshelous
QMD17: Kericia 1-6 Squornshelous
QMD18: Squornshelous 5-0 Altanar
GSMD1: Squornshelous 3-1 Spruitland

The Schiavone Scribe
Sloths Given "No Chance"

In an unlikely twist of events, Schiavonia seem to have been predicted to get through their impossibly difficult World Cup group by almost every international press report that's dared to predict such events.

Predictions from Az-cz, Tynelia, Elves Security Forces and Geisenfried all put the Sloths as going through, while one reporter in Geisenfried even had them down as going all the way.

Of course, we here in Schiavonia know that this is all absolute codswallop. Indeed, anyone suggesting such poppycock will most likely be wallopped with a large cod until they start talking sense.

Schiavonia have historically done better in World Cups when they have been underdogs. Unfortunately, the only country in which we seem to be considered underdogs is our own.

Bugger.

Meanwhile, Schiavonia's players are reported to have been practicing playing blindfolded in preparation for their opening game of the tournament against The Archregimancy.

The Monastic team will be playing with a voluntary loss of vision so as not to bear witness to the prevailing nudity that is very much apparent in host nation Az-cz. While the Schiavones have a much more relaxed attitude towards public nudity, seeing it as both not sexual and a lifestyle choice, many of the Schiavonia players have considered it an unfair advantage to play against a team without vision. As a result, they will now also play their opening game blindfolded in a friendly gesture.

Requests from some ill-educated Schiavones that all supporters in attendance should also be blindfolded have been ridiculed by most normal people as pointless.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/bazalonia.png Bazalonia 1-0 Ariddia http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ariddia.png

Stumbling at the first hurdle

“We fully respect our opponents, but we can beat them.”

Those had been the words of Ariddian coach Yves al Jahdali. Nobody had expected the match against Bazalonia to be easy, but no doubt few had expected an almost goalless game to be so nail-biting from start to finish.

Arguably, Ariddia dominated, at least in the first half, but the Bazalopes’ defence was flawless, and the opportunities to score just never properly materialised. When the Rouge-et-Noirs did get a shot on goal, it was usually snapped off quickly, or at a difficult angle, and Bazalope goalkeeper Joshua Kanga never faltered.

In the twenty-sixth minute Andrews had a clear corridor, and was alone facing Kanga, but stopped when the referee blew his whistle to indicate an offside. Andrews nodded, accepting the decision.

In the thirty-second minute, in the aftermath of a free kick, Frederick Hampstead slammed the ball past the tips of Xu’s fingers, making it a one-nil lead for the Bazalopes. The latters’ fans, quite numerous in the stadium, cheered. Bazalonia had put a goal past the defending Champions in their first match in the group stages, and were in the lead.

In the second half, the Bazalopes tightened their defence further, while continuing to put pressure on the Rouge-et-Noirs, who returned the favour with all the skill they could muster. In the fifty-fourth minute, Bazalope Thomas Yunn was given a yellow card for a rough and unlawful tackle on Ariddian defender Ke Sho, who lay dazed for a long moment before getting to his feet with the help of other players. The team’s medics gave him a quick check-over, and he was able to return to the game.

In the sixtiy-eighth minute, as the minutes continued to tumble away towards an Ariddian defeat, midfielder Ie O burst through the Bazalonian defence and appeared to have a clear shot on goal. The next moment, Arianna Georsophalous was there, and O was on the ground, while Xia Chia cleared the ball away from the danger zone. Ariddian supporters were on their feet shouting for a penalty kick, which the referee awarded. Bazalonians shouted back in protest and, amidst the confusion, Ie O himself spoke to the referee. A moment later, the referee indicated there would be no penalty kick.

The match continued, and finished on a 1-0 scoreline for the Bazalopes. The Rouge-et-Noirs found themselves in last place in Group A, due to a one-all draw between Quakmybush and Oliverry. For only the second time in World Cup 33, Ariddia had failed to score a goal.

But what had happened with Ie O and the canceled penalty kick?

“I wasn’t tripped,” O explained to PINA (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Public_International_News_Ariddia) sports correspondant John Fieldman (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/John_Fieldman) simply. “Georphos- Gorsoph- Georsophalous didn’t trip me up. I tripped by myself. So I couldn’t really allow the referee to give us a penalty kick. It would have been supremely dishonest.”

Most Ariddian supporters appear to agree with him.

“I think we were the better team today, but the Bazalopes were good too, and they won,’ Carl Svenson, 38, said. “I wouldn’t have wanted us to win by cheating. I respect and admire what Ie O did.”

AFA President Anna Teals – due to retire at the end of this Cup – called Ie O “a model of fair play”.

Meanwhile, the Rouge-et-Noirs face a steep climb if they want to haul themselves back up into a qualifying position. Their next opponent, Quakmybush, is in top form. Coach Yves al Jahdali – who used to be a defender for the Rouge-et-Noirs himself – has said he would resign if he cannot get the defending Champions through the group stages.

http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/turori/images/logo.gif

Magic Aims to Lift Quarters Curse


With 6 wins on the trot coming into the World Cup finals in Az-Cz and Quakmybush, the Turori Eels arrived in Quakmybush with a long history of success, but never greatness, in World Cup Competition. Though the nation of Turori had collected many trophies over the years, The Baptism of Fire, The Cup of Harmony... Twice. The Eagle's Cup and even a joint AOCAF title along with former colonial rulers Vilita. Despite having the best Record in Qualifying for the World Cup, Turori has never made it past the Quarter Finals of the competition's premier stage.

It's not for a derth of opportunity, however. Turori has qualified for and failed to advance from the finals more than any other team in World Cup history. It's really not even that close, either. 6 times in its history the Island Emirate has advanced to the final 8 of the competition, and all 6 times they have come out on the losing end. To make matters even worse, Twice the team that Turori lost to in the Quarter Finals went on to win the World Cup, and a further two more times, the Eels fell victim to the cup's eventual runner up.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking of these losses, however, came during the Quarter Finals of World Cup 20. After an edge-of-the-seat Extra Time victory over Spaam, The Eels were drawn against the #1 Rank in the World Rejistania. To add extra incentive into the mix, the winner of the match would advance to play none other than The Tropics of Vilita, who had booked their Semi-Final spot with a convincing win over Eauz. Perhaps looking ahead at the mouthwatering tie against their former colonial rulers, Turori slipped up to the lone goal against Karelan Rejistania, and will have their chance for revenge when the two square off for a position in the second round on Matchday 3. Turorians feel extra aggreved about the defeat, as Vilita would go on to defeat Rejistania, and win the World Cup title, a Cup that Turorian's feel could have been theres had they been able to change the atmosphere to that of a more diverse support, as very few Rejistanian's could get into Druida, just off the shores of Turori, due to the influx of Vilitan & Turorian citizens that had flooded into the country in anticipation of the potential Vilitan cove clash.

Few Turorian faithful would doubt this to be a prime opportunity for the Eels to stake their clame into World Cup history, though. With Cove rivals Vilita already eliminated from the competition, for just the second time in history Turori will be the only Vilitan cove nation in the World Cup finals. The last time, however, was during the great media blackout, and the Eels crashed out of the competition without recording a single point. This time is a whole new can of... Eels. Exciting new head coach Riailia Magic rode the back of a 6 game winning streak heading into the first matchday, and Turori never looked like surrenduring this streak as they squared off in their first match of three group stage games, against Yafor 2. Despite the weather contrast from the Tropical Cove to the less than pleasant far-reaches of Atlantian Oceania, Turori's players coped just fine providing one of their most convincing victories of what is now a 7 game winning streak under Riailia Magic.

Magic surprised the Yafor 2 scouts when he named an all-citizen lineup, leaving each of the 5 Cocoabo's named on the preliminary roster on the bench for the match. This also meant a non-traditional 4-3-3 formation for the Eels, who typically stick to Vilitan Cove traditional 3-5-2 or 4-4-2 formations. There, however, seems to be nothing traditional about the coaching styles of Riailia Magic. Turori was on the scoresheet within the opening 10 minutes after Muiaaia Lua Viiala stripped the ball away from Yafor's Prince Sebard who showed the effects of an Injury that kept him out of much of Yafor's qualifying campaign. Lua Viiala found Zamloi Amafaira in space, but, instead of firing an off-angle shot at goal, Zmafaira drew the keeper out at an angle before cheekily flicking the ball back to Lua Viiala and the midfielder made no mistake scoring just the second goal of his international career.

The match continued on with Turori enjoying much of the attacking play, but it looked as though Yafor 2 had done enough to keep the damage to a single goal at the half. Much to the disgust of the Yafor bench, three minutes of stoppage time were added to compensate for an earlier clash between Demirca N'ver of Yafor 2 and Turori's Lotuta Kanzai, and it was Kanzai who made the extra three minutes count, netting twice in the extra minutes in a rapid-fire double that took the life out of the Yafor 2 players, and injected the Turorian supporters with a rage of excitement.

When the teams returned for the second half, Yafor seemed to have already resigned themselves to defeat, with their heads hung low and their passes in nature about as adventurous as a giant tree sloth in karelan Rejistania. Despite reverting to a more classical 4-4-2 formation, the Eels found one more goal in their sails as time wore down to keep their fans energized as the full time whistle went, securing 3 crucial points towards their campaign and extending their winning streak to 7 games, proving that at this stage in the game, there is no team that the Turori Eels fear.

Turori Eels 4 - 0 Yafor 2

With a draw in the opposite match between Rejistania and Bettia, Turori will roll on to Matchday 2 in their brand new Red Kits knowing that a victory over Bettia will secure their place in the second round of competition. Despite only being released a day before the competion began, suppliers in Turori and Quakmybush have already been overloaded in demand for the Turorian Red Kit, and other Turori supporters who cannot get their hands on the fine looking shirt should wear anything red to horrify the opposition in the next match and truly use the fans as a 12th player for the squad. As one sign in the stands said it best, the only thing that can break Turori's Quarter Final curse is a little bit of Magic. The Eels have their Magic now, and are three wins away from another appearance in the World Cup Quarter Finals.




http://www.3wideracing.com/3wide/sites/ao/turori/images/turbot.gif

It was a shellshocked Wentland team that sat in the dressing room at half-time. The tightest defence in the world had been beaten three times by rampant Oxen.

The silence was eventually broken by Davo Eager. "Well, I suppose we should be bullish for the second half..."

"Pull the udder one," retorted Tommy Gun. "Yeah, that shot was pasteurize before you noticed," said Dom Katz.

"We'll just have to go hell for leather in the second half," stated Norman Hacker. "It'd be one heck of a tail if we did it..."

Hacker made a couple of substitutions as Wentland went unexpectedly attacking for the second 45. "Let's see if we can cow them early doors...hopefully if we score one or two they will be Friesian up..."

***

Wentland came off, beaten but unbowed. A 3-2 defeat to an unbeaten team was not so bad. "Hardest one out of the way, lads...all we need is a couple of wins and we're through. There's a lot at steak."

"I dunno, boss...we've never won in the finals...d'you think we can bring home the bacon?"

*DINGDINGDINGDING*

The episode of Punaround drew to a close. "And Ray Jarvis is eliminated for irrelevance...round two..."

Turtles prepare for first-ever World Cup match

Nothing sends a chill dawn the spine of a footballer more than their team's debut match at the World Cup. With billions watching around the world, anything done might be seen by someone and replayed thousands of times. Also, unlike the qualifiers or the Cup of Harmony, every match here counts. And not only that, every opportunity at the goal counts. Even quicker decisions most be made. There isn't any "second leg" just in case you mess up. The team must work together seamlessly and forget the individual. In the qualifiers, individuals can shine and dominate the team, but not here at the Cup itself.

The coach also has much to deal with. He also has dozens of cameras on him. He must sit and watch as a player goes down or the captain receives a red card. He must watch a penalty and either hope the kicker can do it, or if it is the opposing team, hope they fail. The coach must devise the perfect strategy and ensure the team is even. Alternates and substitutes must be prepared. The team has to be kept calm and ready, and reminded that this is no longer just the qualifiers, THIS IS IT.

And the fans, they must remember that their team has made it to the most prestigious tournament in the world. They have to cheer and yell louder and stronger for their team. They must be in unison and plan together gimmicks and costumes. They must plan parties and celebrations. They must understand that a loss...is not the end of the world. That not going through means the team is bad. They must remember that there is a next time.

First results in from Quakmybush

Group A

Bazalonia [1] Ariddia [0]
Quakmybush [1] Oliverry [1]

Bazalonia takes the lead over Ariddia, sending the previous champions to the bottom of the table. Quakmybush and Oliverry refuse to let the other win, each scoring a goal for a draw. Bazalonia leads the group, while Quakmybush and Oliverry are tied for second.
Predicted Finish:
1. Bazalonia
2. Quakmybush

Group B

Wentland [2] Qazox [3]
The Lowland Clans [1] Geisenfried [1]

Qazox manages to eke out a victory over Wentland, giving themselves the top of the group. Another draw here with The Lowland Clans and Geisenfried, who co-hosted the previous World Cup with Milchama.
Predicted Finish:
1. Geisenfried
2. The Lowland Clans

Group C

Commerce Heights [1] Casari [1]
Alasdair I Frosticus [3] Elves Security Forces [1]

And yet another 1-1 draw sets Casari and Commerce Heights in second place. Above them is Alasdair I Frosticus, that won pretty smoothly against those pesky elves, who did make one goal.
Predicted Finish:
1. Casari
2. Alasdair I Frosticus

Group D

Turori [4] Yafor 2 [0]
Rejistania [2] Bettia [2]
Turori murders Yafor 2 and sets up a good goal difference to break any tie they may encounter. And here again a tie, but Rejistania and Bettia managed to score two goals apiece.
Predicted Finish:
1. Rejistania
2. Turori

Phil prints the report he just wrote up and places it on the editor's desk. "Something tells me I predicted everything wrong..." he thought as he walked downstairs to lunch.

http://www.spaam.info/flags/bazalonia.png Bazalonia 1 - 0 Rouge-et-Noirs http://www.spaam.info/flags/ariddia.png

HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

HOLY EMPIRE WINS FIRST MATCH
Opponents 'Tired' From Sleeping Under Tarpaulin

By Anna Comneno

Showing some of the form that - according the to the Mammoth Compendium of World Cup Lies - won the Holy Empire every single World Cup title from WC8 to WC23, the Imperial Squad brushed aside Elves Security Forces thanks to a first half hattrick from Andronicus Curcuaso. A late consolation goal for the outclassed opposition failed to dampen spirits after a robust performance that finally allowed the Imperial Squad to cast off accusations from certain senile political figures that the team had become 'soft and lazy'.

After consulting the Mammoth Compendium of World Cup Lies, Imperial Coach Juan Tzimisces expressed concern for the opposition, noting that sleeping under a tarpaulin in a hole in the road and licking the road clean for tuppence each morning had left the ESF squad looking 'tired'. Coach Tzimisces stated that he thought ESF would struggle to win a match this World Cup unless they moved to better quarters; "a shoebox, perhaps" suggested the coach.

Elsewhere in Group C, the shoeless doctrinaire Stalinists of Commerce Heights and mutant anthropomorphic hamster-led Casarans did the Holy Empire an immense favour by holding each other to a 1-1 draw, increasing the possibility that the Holy Empire will qualify for the knock out stages for the first time in a very, very long time indeed.

Jeruselem Government News

Dallas girls mix with the big boys!

The corporate world may look at football is some sideshow. Despite the big money in football now, it's still small compared to other parts of the business world in terms of investment. Well, these big corporate bullies should just look at two sisters more closely, not because they are good looking or one of them likes being naked. A company in Jeruselem called Dallas Incorporated is popping in investment circles. Dallas Incorporated includes a gym called Debbies, a clothing store called Razza Dazza, share holdings in various football clubs, a media company called Dazzle Media and a nightclub called Kinky Kitty. Yes, we talking about Debbie and Dazza Dallas here! The daughters of a immigrant Jeruselem whore, now big business women. They may not grace corporate stage in suits and look impressive, but they have their associates doing their work for them.

Debbie Dallas - World Cup and Women's World Cup coach, and former player of the same tournaments. Dazza Dazza - the darling of Jeruselem TV, and former World Cup and Women's World Cup player. Looking at them, they don't look like the sort women who own a business empire at all especially Dazza. Looks are deceptive, as they did living a double life. They don't need to work - they have football careers but the money comes from their businesses these days.

Yes, being sexy is big business. If you watch the World Cup 33, watching a team coached by Debbie Dallas and THE FOOTBALL LIFE presented by Dazza Dallas - they do it for the love of football. They don't need to work, both could sit around at home and still make money.

This is new Jeruselem woman - not content to sit and home with the kids as a housewife like most women in the past. They maybe eye candy, but they are the brains to make money and still have a big family. No more backseat passengers, they are driving or at least helping with the driving.

More and more, football is being shared between the men and women. We have mixed teams, a 3 time championship winning female team, more females in the media and now rich bitches. Yes, the male domination of Jeruselem is gone because of the Dallas girl showing women can make an impact and other women are following. It's a good thing, we need both sexes to make this world and we share together. No more one sided opinions on how the world should be run because the chicks in skirts are making their way into the corporate world.

More and more, I see females executives doing what men do - and doing it well. When I ask them why there are here, they say if Dazza can it so can we. Former female models, cheerleaders, and dancers are having 2nd careers as reporters for news networks. Most women like to be at home Mums but for the ambitious - that is not enough. So don't look at your daughters and think they are just to be married off for money, no they will follow their own path now.

If you see Dazza on TV, don't just laugh at her and say she's one dumb bitch. She's got more money than you and I will ever have. Why? She's smarter than she looks or acts. My wife is an ex-bikini model and even she has a career too. She works for a fashion design company as a model and designer, so looks are deceptive. I once dated Dazza too, and she's quite a personality. She does nothing in halves.

PS - Some people have noticed my wife's collection of bunny rabbit like suits. I attract bunny girls but I don't know why.

Wayne Wastle
JGN Sports Reporter and Presenter

Krytenia and Squornshelous, incidentally, have a pretty lively history against each other:
World Cup 29 Second Round: Krytenia 2-1 Squornshelous
World Cup 28 Group Stage: Squornshelous 1-1 Krytenia
The two teams also played to a draw in the WOrld Cup 24 group stage, and met twice in World Cup 23 Qualifying

An open message from Rami Niblick to the Squornshelan Press Association.

It appears that our friends in the Squornshelan media have conveniently forgotten the first meetings between the two sides, way back in World Cup Sixteen (aka "Some Of Our Hosts Are Missing!"). Let us remind you of the second meeting between us.

It was a gloriously sunny day in Squornshelous, as the two teams took the field. Squornshelous were hoping to take three points of the World #67, and after the 3-0 win in the first fixture, spirits were high. But they reckoned without the late, great, Stephen Xousa, who scored the only goal of the game on the hour. It was a win that won Krytenia the group and their first qualification.

Seriously, we in the Krytenian bedia are surprised your respectable journalists "forgot" this oversight. Shame on you.

(OOC: If it hadn't been such a pivotal result in Krytenia's WC history, I'd have probably missed this too. Oh for the olden days of the summer of 2004...:D )

Somewhere in Hetkali, there is a house, which looks as if it is a normal headquarter of a business. In reality, the Emui JSK building is home of something far more sinister: Tghe temple of Karela, the organisation, which ruled Rejistania for 20 years by an iron hand and outlawed about anything which is fun havenot given up the hope sooner or later to re-gain control of the nation. Today a group of priests and monks of Karela have gathered in this building to discuss how to most efficiently ruin the World cup for the Orange-Blues. Anamil planned to make the goal of the other team unreachable for the Orange-Blues by a Tedeme-Xa spell. The other priests nearly killed him for that idea before he could state that hey would still be able to concede and therefore lose every match. Another one was for the drastic approach of just turning the national team into slugs. Most of the priests however thought that was too unsubtle and would swing the mood against the temple. A monk called Y had the idea of putting THC in their water supply. The temple agreed that this was a great idea of making them underarchieve. Y was sent to spoil the groupstage for the Rejistanis.

Y Karela managed with good knowledge of magic and 'efficiency' to succeed in preparing the water-bottles of the Rejistanis. However, one thing, he did not take into account: most rejistanis are no monks and many of the National Team players are used to play while high. So while the Orange-Blues were less efficient and fast, they did not lose as horrible as the temple expected and even came off the pitch with one point.

RP Cutoff

Me-Adu and Ma-Ro were finishing their second year physics classes at Mil-Bax university when Me-Adu pulled out a flyer from his bag


Do you like football? Want to see goods used by soccer legends like Tony Tarmey, Dazza Dallas or the Starblaydian national side?
THEN COME ON DOWN TO THE MIL-BAX EMPORIUM
We've gathered materials from all of these nations and more and you can see them all for just a small fee at the Mil-Bax emporium. And don't think we're trying to make money off of it. All proceeds go to a good cause, the Az-cz Boys & Girls Clubs. However hurry because these items will only be on display for a short time

And for those of you with a more adult taste in mind, there's a special Dazza display for adults only


Me-Adu: Where do you think they got all that stuff. Do you think the Schiavonians loaned it out to them?

Ma-Ro: Who cares? We can go see Dazzaporn for free and say we're doing it in the name of charity.

Me-Adu: Who cares about Dazza? Do they really have Tony Tarmey's gear. That's freaking amazing. Let's hit this up.

<Dazza Dallas dressed a schoolgirl and Wastle Wastle>

Wayne: Hi, this is Wayne Wastle. This is THE FOOTBALL LIFE at the group stage of the World Cup 33, as usual with me is Dazza Dallas the girl who has not grown up at all.
Dazza: One of my fans sent an old school girl uniform for me to wear and look, it suits me.

Wayne: Oh yes, it's your age. I don't think you've really grown up.
Dazza: I think that's the way fans want me to me. If I really grow up, I'd be no fun at all.

Wayne: Well, the results for our group and Bettia's group are in.
Dazza: Rejistania and Bettia drew TWO ALL in Group D. Yes, attack was the way forward and both teams scored but neither could score the killer goal.

Wayne: The Takil way ruled and it was great game for fans of attacking football. The defense was good too with both teams working hard all game to keep each other out.
Dazza: We wanted a Bettian win but at least they did not lose. This was Bettia's danger game with the high scoring Rejistania in form. Expect both teams now to gear up for some trashings.

Wayne: In the other game, Yafor 2 got smashed to little bits by Turori. FOUR NIL to Turori and they top the group with great win and great goal difference.
Dazza: Yafor 2 are in big trouble, yet to play Bettia and Rejistania! They must regroup or else just go home. Turori have great start but face the mighty teams next.

Wayne: Bettia had their big game and it's down to them to get the two wins they need.
Dazza: And Turori are making their move early.

Wayne: Group F, Sel Appa took on Assegai Developments and Jeruselem played fellow Women's World cuppers Cafundéu.
Dazza: Once again, it was attack which dominated in Jeruselem vs Cafundéu. Both teams half know each other from the other world cup - the one with women in it. Jeruselem had to fight to beat Cafundéu, overrunning their lower ranked opponent FIVE THREE!

Wayne: Yes, no System Karela today. It was system Takil! Both teams entertained the crowd with classic Takil football. OK, defense was sacrificed and defensively both teams underperformed but then if you score more goals you win. Jeruselem did score more goals - five.
Dazza: Tunk and team showed what we like to see when you go forward. We need to work on the defense more.

Wayne: A safe game by Sel Appa and Assegai Developments, well too safe. 1 ALL draw but well, it could have been a better game.
Dazza: Both teams are not a Bettia, Jeruselem or Rejistania but you know maybe they wanted to play safe. If you are not playing the top team, go attack and score as many goals as possible! Because you'll need the goal difference later.

Wayne: YAP YAP, oh school girly - what's the YAP today.
Dazza: Well, the local Jeruselem schools tournament is starting today. Yes, all high schools who have teams are playing and I'm glad to say it's something worth going to watch. It's the boys vs girls! Catholic vs Protestant vs Jewish vs Islamic! Very few mixed schools in Jeruselem but that's changing.

Wayne: Who are the current champs?
Dazza: The Jerusalem Catholic High School schoolgirls, my old team. Also known as the Jerusalem United Schoolgirls team because Jerusalem United are the sponsors too. Oh yes, my school team are still be best in my opinion!

wayne: I once played for the East Port Catholic boys team. We were terrible! Lost all our games and the team were full of part timers who didn't turn up to training most of the time. Saying that, my school is poor one so we weren't expected to even turn up.
Dazza: Oh yes, we played you guys once. We won something like TWENTY NIL or something.

Wayne: Oh yes, you girls turned and and didn't look like much, and then .. well we got beaten up.
Dazza: You were terrible as I remember.

Wayne: I was, and well I gave up football after that. Oh and you landed on me in one tackle.
Dazza: Now, wasn't it fun! It's not everyday, DaZza lies on top of someone.

Wayne: True, it's normally the other way.
Dazza: So, if you are not busy - go to watch the eruselem schools tournament. The best future football players in Jeruselem are playing now and they will be soon standing on the football fields in a World Cup game when we are gone. So, please support the kids!

Wayne: Boy those cameras are going off.
Dazza: Me attracting attention? Never! (smiles)

Wayne: That's it from me and school girly Dazza.
Dazza: See you all later! Sweet dreams.

(wind picks up and blows up Dazza's skirt)

Wayne: Did you plan that Dazza?
Dazza: No, God did. Didn't you know that!

Results
Sel Appa [1-1] Assegai Developments (Slimes Stadium)
Jeruselem [5-3] Cafundeu (Shangri-La)
Bettia [02] vs [02] Rejistania
Turori [04] vs [00] Yafor 2

<later>

Wayne: Hey Dazza!
Dazza: Ya?

Wayne: Our spies around the world found your stuff.
Dazza: Where?

Wayne: Some company called MIL-BAX EMPORIUM in Az-cz
Dazza: Err, what they doing with it?

Wayne: Some kind of charity display, for a entry fee.
Dazza: And I have my own display? Oh, they found my unreleased youtube video DVDs then

Wayne: Sounds like it
Dazza: Oh boy, I'm really going be popular over there then.

Wayne: Err, what are they like?
Dazza: You want to know? I've got copies on my laptop - I'll show you.

<later>

Wayne: Woah, that's hot stuff!
Dazza: Yep, that's me, sitting right next to you (smiles)

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

1ST WIN IS ALWAYS THE SWEETEST
QAZOX-3 Wentland-2

Qazox jumped out to a shocking 3-0 lead on the best defensive team in qualifing, and held on for a historic 3-2 win over Wentland. Jonathon Sarafin, who saat out the last 5 qualifiers, showed very little rust scoring in the 13th and 29th minutes to give the Black Oxen a 2-0 lead. Kyle Horton added a 3rd goal just before the break to bump the lead up to 3-nil.

Cosmo "Magic" Kent managed to score twice for Wentland, in the the 62nd and 79th minutes, but Greg Wolfen held firm on 3 shots in the final 5 minutes to preserve the win.

Up next is The Lowland CLans, who drew with Giesenfried 1-1, leaving Qazox atop the Group B Standings.


Scoring Summary:
QAZOX: Sarafin (1,2) 13', 29'; Horton (1) 43'
Wentland: Cosmo "Magic" Kent: 62', 79'
CARDS: QAZOX: None
Wentland: None

The Daily Quak
We Sorta Remember How To Do This

The Quakmybush National Soccer Team player their first important match in along time. The Sharks were up against the tough Oliverrian squad, who placed in the top four a few cups ago. The Sharks were ready though, in front of a sold out Ruckus Room. The opposing side got the first good chance, however Cam Carroll made a big save. Then Cory Sorley, made an outstanding tackle, however the ref disagreed and gave him a yellow. The Sharks then had a wonderful chance but the Oliverrian goalie came up huge and robbed Jon Fields. The score at half time was 0-0. The frenchies came out ready in the second, and put one by Cam Carroll. Making it 1-0 Oliverry. The Sharks look dejected, but the home crwod kept them in the game, this payed off. The Sharks then carried the playh for the next 30 minutes, with posts being hit, offsides being called. Then in the 80th minute, Sorley made a beautiful pass to Jon Fields who made no mistake whatsoever, making it a 1-1 game. This is how the game ended, a well earned point for both squads. The Sharks currently sit second in their table and will need to play big against Ariddia.


Quakmybush - 1 Fields 80'

Oliverry - 1 A frenchie 56'


Article By: Rick Juras

Az-cz Scroll
Jex-Kia
Il-Lur

Shock and Panic

This was not supposed to happen. The Robbers had the homefield advantage with great support from their home fans. They had world cup experience with two cups to their credit, including a trip to the second round. They had the coaching advantage, with legendary coach Khim and coaches Hawdon and Hobble as well. And they had the best player on the pitch in Pizelkaxrovsky. And none of it mattered as they were thoroughly dominated by the fire ants from Northern Bettia.

Coming into the match the story was about the Northern Bettians and their devious play. Well the refs knew to be on guard and the Fire Ants changed up their tactics beautifully. They didn't try to goad the Gnomes into fouls as they knew it wouldn't work. And they didn't try to bully or intimidate as they knew the whistles would come quick. Instead they just struck quickly and then held back.

The Northern Bettians showed no signs of being overwhelmed by the situation as they scored just six minutes into their first ever match in the world cup finals. Amazingly it was Nerazzurri who made the mistake that allowed Hiyashibara free access to a shot on Gn-Lg that he had no shot at stopping.

The Gnomes defense tightened up but Pizelkaxrovsky just couldn't find his mark. He kept trying to thread passes through to his favorite target in Kn-Dg, but they were being snuffed out by an active Fire Ant defense. As for help from the other midfielders Lo-Ro was totally ineffective and Ip-Gp seemed awed to be starting in a world cup, which is strange considering that this is his third time on a cup squad.

The Bettians continued to have the better of things and doubled the scoreline just before half when Megumi snuck up from his position at the back of the midfielded and got high above Kz-Kz to head in a beautiful goal that crushed the Gnomes spirit heading in to the half.

In the second half the Gnomes came out better and nearly found an equalizer when Kn-Dg put EE-Or open on goal, but he fired wide with just the keeper to beat. From their the Northern Bettians turtled up, much to the horror of the citizens of both Bettias, who live for attacking football. The Gnomes never really looked like threatening the rest of the match and ended with a 2-0 defeat against a low ranked opponent.

Although we'd like to say that they cheated or that we were robbed or make up outlandish stories about black holes, the truth is that the Fire Ants just dominated today. With Milchama coming up the Gnomes better get going quick or they'll have wasted their hosting opportunity and disappointed both their potential and their fans.

THE MONASTIC TIMES

BLINDFOLDED TEAMS STUMBLE TO COMEDY RESULT
"Funniest Thing We've Ever Seen" Say Naked Locals

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

In an extraordinarly sporting gesture that demonstrates that not all Catholic schismatics are completely beyond redemption, the Archregimancy's first World Cup opponents Schivonia announced that they would join the Orthodox monks in playing last night's match blindfolded.

But the sporting nature of the gesture was perhaps not entirely compatible with quality football, with both teams spending much of the 90 minutes stumbling incoherently across the pitch, desperately trying to work out where the opposing goal was.

It was Schiavonia who adjusted fastest, eventually hitting upon the simple tactic of putting a member of their coaching staff behind the Archregimancy goal, who then shouted instructions to his team over where the opposing goal was. By the time the Archregimancy worked out similar tactics, Schiavonia were 3-0 up. The match eventually ended 4-2, though neither team seems to be clear on who precisely scored the goals given the unique nature of the blindfolded match.

Many of the sinfully naked locals later described the match as 'the funniest thing we've ever seen', declaring the sight of blindfolded Orthodox monks tripping over their beards in a desperate search for the ball to be 'absolutely hilarious'.

Coach Fr. David the Water Drinker was philosphical after the match, and would only quote Matthew 15:14: "Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch"

http://www.spaam.info/flags/bazalonia.png Bazalonia 1 - 0 Rouge-et-Noirs http://www.spaam.info/flags/ariddia.png

That's right, Every single page of the new paper only contained this headline, how it managed to get past Quality Control was something of a mystery. Perhaps they were discussing the new comedy Film by Andrew Trendwood, or perhaps reading a ripping read by one of the nations many novelists. Or perhaps simply there were having a cup of coffee and talking about things of a philosiphical nature.

Whatever the reason a fuller report was issued the next day with an apology notice both to the Bazalonian public and to the Ariddians.

When Eric Frankton in Quakmybush heard about this he was upset. "I have the utmost respect for the Ariddian team, not only on the field which we managed quite frankly a lucky win, not only their abilities but their sportsmanship. It's a sad fact but only a few nations would even consider correcting a misake like that. They deserve to be treated much better than that by Bazalonian media, whatever happened I hope that measures are taken so that nothing like that ever again."

In other news a news a new perfume has been released in Bazalonia, entitled "Au de Bazalope", purportedly a synthesised perfume in which the wearer actually smells like a Bazalope. The makers are reportedly appraoching the BFSA to make the perfume the official perfume of the BFSA. For now Au de Bazalope can only be found in Bazalonian stores however it is available directly from the manufacturer's website www.perfumedbaz.cam.bz

No one is certain whether this new fragrance will find a niche market somewhere, whether it will become a mainstream perfume or if it will flop before it gets going. Market analysts are saying the former however they have been wrong before.

Diary Entry 020

I have found truth, or at least a particle of it, that makes me even more confused in my quest. The universe began over 13 billion years ago, where out of nothingess, a cloud of gas and debris was made, and through the process of nuclear fusion and time, it was made. But to what force did these forces that started the process of creation born from? If there was but nothingess before, then is it possible that all that is and will be, is to nothing? If I, and those reading this blog, are indeed nothing more than imaginary matter, for what purpose does then life take on, or is there no answer to the question?

My faith tells me to not be so questioning of the way things work, but the drive inside of me presses for the answers like the deprived cat stalks its' prey. The lust for the answers is the only thing that satiates the feeling within that I am on a fruitless quest , one that may be the very undoing of me. And then where shall I be, will I turn back to the teachings of my faith, and hold an unconditional belief in that an immortal and everpresent entity is the creator and maintainer of life. I ask then, if such a being of power exists, and they are the ones to whom we owe our thanks to be alive, why would they empower us with such a burden as to a drive to ask and search the answers to questions that a mind can not find, nor fathom the reasoning if they did.

So I lay down my questioning attack on the cosmos and my falling out of graces with the idea of faith, and put forth my efforts into quests that I can readily make true upon. As I and my friends on the national team have our pride, the honor of the country, and ever the hope of the citizenry to make a name for Demot in this tournament, and if it will drive me to blood and bone, I will see it through. As I did this afternoon, not letting the ignorant horse lovers of Milchama to stand in the way of the Dynamo, finding the net twice and assisting on both Ysman goals, and the beautiful Samantha Black's goal. I can not be but soo grateful to be playing along side such wonderful people, their friendship alone might be what is keeping my strands of sanity alive, and I do fancy Samantha, with her beautiful long, silky black hair, those a mazing green eyes, and that smile that brings me up even on my worst days. I would love to try and have a more personal relationship with her, if only she were to give me a sign that she felt the same...

~ David Masteron

“GOD DAMNIT! What the hell was that?!” Severus Snape is livid. He flings his boots across the Assegai dressing room, knocking over a stack of gauze. “That was EMBARASSING! How the hell can we expect to beat Cafundeu when we can’t even beat these damn Turtles?! ARRRRRRRRRGH!” He slumps down in his locker and throws a towel over his head.

The whole dressing room is quiet.

Finally, Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga breaks the silence.

“I know that most people aren’t giving us an ice cube’s chance in Hell to make it past the first round… But, how did we even get this far? We didn’t get this far by playing lazy! We didn’t this far by giving up on defensive assignments! Damnit, Francis… I gave you a shot on the starting 11 because I saw you play your ass off when we gave you starts during the qualifiers. What happened tonight? How can you just watch Eztevez run off after he stripped you of the ball? You… yes, YOU were the reason they scored on us in the 28th minute.”

Assegai defender Francis Rowe looks up at the angry team manager as tears well in his eyes and slowly lowers his gaze to floor, tears streaming down his face.

“You know… If it wasn’t for Ashley’s goal in the 74th… We’d be having a much more different conversation right now. Yeah, we would have lost… and a loss is a loss. But, dammnit…a draw?! A draw means nothing in this tournament. NOTHING!”

The room is silent. In the back of the room a players stifles a cough.

“I’ve never said this…but, tonight…I’m ashamed of you,” says Zúniga, his chin quivering. “Before you leave tonight, I want you to sit back and re-evaluate what the HELL WE ARE DOING IN THE BLOODY WORLD CUP! I want you to realize…that any more of this STUPIDITY from tonight is not an option.

“Before you suit up and hit the field against Cafundeu in our next match, I want you to look in a damn mirror and I want you stare back at yourself. Do you have what it takes? Do you really want it? Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t deal with failure. I am here to win. If you are not on the same page, then get THE HELL OUT OF MY TEAM!”

Silence.

“I’ll see you all tomorrow at 7 a.m. sharp on the practice field. Bring enough fluids… We’re running three-a-days for the next three days.”

He turns and slams the door behind him as he leaves the room.

In the Assegai locker room, the silence is deafening.

Match Summary

(52) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sel_appa.png Sel Appa 1
(57) http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/assegai_developments.png Assegai Developments 1

[SA]
Eztevez (28’)

[AD]
Ashley Riot (74’)

@ Slimes Stadium – Az-cz City, Az-cz

"Hátwë heten reäcíngfé ëllhë. Ellícima ëbén ámneddä, éwen érewï ursëdcí útóën heretä, éthargiclú ïcëlë hëten lóthsï. Lúnéeth ëben räïsedpë hättó héten theróth atchmä ásnwë'ten ëttledsú, útbén rewdë." an agitated Zacharius yells in the locker room.

Kyla walks up to her frustrated husband and gently strokes his cheek as she tries to comfort him, "Ymén ëärestdï ovëlá, hereté sïën óthingnó oten rétfï. Lúnëeth hällsë hínésa ërhen ightlï owndä pónuth suen oonsú nóúghëth, ndäen acétë éárthë hattí ewen érëwí órtunätéfï nóúgheth óten otnën eben ráilingta wóten qúädssú ybën hréetë ointspä. Lúnëeth'sen úídäncëga íllwa hínësí súën hroúghtä ótën íctóryví ymen ovelú, ústjë etlen tiën ogén ymen éardë."

As the pair tried to ease the sting of the loss, their paranoid manager addresses the press.

Reporter 1: "Revtron, to what do you attribute the defeat to?"

Revtron: "Ién hïncté hattë ewen érëwä ústja áen ítben lówërsí hantï úróén ppenentsóth, ndáën heytá uthustlëdóth súen óten hëtén ällbé. Hëytï ónwën hëten nëoen nóën nëóen ättlësbí ëedednó óten dgéeth utóén hëten úálityqé ompétítioncó erehé täén héten Róperpï. Uccylú órfen súén, Icärdrä amécé nien hëtën ecóndsa álfhë, ndáén idden ánagémú ótën ullpé néóen accbï ósen háttä ewen rëaen otnen errïblytï créwedsú íthwä aén orrendoúshï óälgú ifférentialdë."

Reporter 3: "You mention Rikard coming in for Zacharius. Now there have been rumors floating around that the stoic captain might be retiring now that his son has proven his worth, and will likely recieve the captain's band in his place. Can you give us any detail on that?"

Revtron: "Íën óndën'tën nówcë hatwa hëtén áptaïncí lánspä oten ódën ftëräth histé Úpcen, ndáën ránclyfë, Íën ondën'ten árëcä taén héten omentmï. Ymën oncërncú ightrí ównén sïén ïxingfú úroén ístäcësmá niën ímetä orfen súén ótén ómecú útóen uccefullysï ndäén nien étterbí ormfï, ndäen rytën ótën äcëtú äén úchmí eedednë hreetë oíntspë romfï úróén ppísitiónoth"

Reporter 2: "One last question then. What are some changes you are going to try and implent before the next match, if you trully want to still have something to play for on the last matchday?

Revtron: "Bvióuslyóth ëwén eednë otén orcwá omësï óremí nóén gilityáth ndäën trëngthsí rillsdó. Éwën ërewä eatenbó otën árfen óóten änymï óósélé ällsbá, ndäén hóvédsë ffoén heten állbë óóten fténóth henwá éwén ádhén tíen. Fien ëwën ïxfén hosétó rëásäth, saén ellwé säën etáínré órémó foën hëtën ósséssïonpí, ëwen ughtóth ótén ébén ustjá ínëfé"

OCC: I'm using a translator to put everything into pig elvish. Unfortunately, the translator only goes one way, but here it is if you want to have some fun with it: http://www.iolairweb.co.uk/cgi-bin/pigelvish.cgi

"...and we'll be back with Bettia vs. Turori after this commercial break, only on Sonastra Sports!"



Can't stand the sight of scarlet?

Does crimson make you cringe?

Does the thought of facing an evil football team wearing red make you want to poke your eyes out with a fork?

Then fear not, cos Azurlens™ are here to save your sight and your sanity!
http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/53141/2/istockphoto_53141_blue_sunglasses.jpg
Medical experts agree, although red may be okay in minute doses, an overabundance of that colour can produce serious mental side-effects, which can cause an ordinarily sane person to do extraordinarily evil things. However, with its patented colour-filter technology, harmful red rays are screened out before they can damage the delicate retinal area of your eyes and cause insanity.

No more red mist - just blue, blue skies!


Azurlens™
As worn by the Bettian national football team.



"Hey!" George said, nudging his pal Ali. "I didn't know the 'roras were wearing those geps."

"Oh aye, it were on the news this mornin'! They're gonna be wearing 'em for the match to try and counteract those hideous clown outfits the Turormites wear."

"I'm surprised the NSFA even allow sunglasses to be worn."

"I think they said it was all okay, and why not? The Archregimancy are wearing blindfolds and they're okay with that. Besides, our puppets Northern Bettia have taken cheating to a whole new level, and we're fielding a team composed entirely of Aroras in the hockey world cup."

"Looks like the whole world's going to pot - it seems anything goes nowadays!"



Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT

Group D

01: Rejistania..............Quak....D 2-2
02: Turori..................Quak
03: Yafor 2.................Quak

Friendly

FR: Az-Cz...................Away....W 4-2

Qualifying Group 1

01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away....W 5-3
16: Lovisa..................HOME....W 1-0
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away....W 3-0
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME....W 4-1

<Tynelian locker room, Coach Jay Masterson addresses the team before they hit the field>

“Sorry guys, this is all on me, I thought we were playing Krytenia so I set everything up for that match only to find out from both the Krytenian and Squornshelosian media that they’re playing each other so that means we have Spruitland. Its too late to change game plans now so just go out there and give it your best shot. At least we’re facing the next lowest ranked squad out there besides us so we should still have a good chance at getting something out of this. If not everyone can point the finger at me. I screwed up.”


<Krytenian locker room an unknown voice is heard>

“#1 vs. #4, something you’d see in the finals maybe not the first match of group play. But we have to beat Squornshelous and that’s all there is to it. Remember, beating them gave us our first ever qualifcation so let’s keep the tradition alive.”


<Squornshelous locker room another unidentifiable voice is heard>

“OK people time to let the Aces know they won’t be number one for long and we do it by taking it to them and putting a hurting on them. We deal with them and we cruise by Spruitland and Tynelia to get to knockouts.”

<teams enter the field- Tynelian side>

Bill Jakes blinks as he looks across the field. “um Jay?”
“Yeah Bill?”

“Aren’t those the Krytenian uniforms over there?”

“Damn you’re right.” Turning to the rest of the team Masterson shouts “Everyone back to plan A! we’re playing Krytenia somehow!”



<Krytenian press box>

“WTF? Why is Tynelia on the field? Did they get lost? Where’s Squornshelous?”

<flips through press guide>

“Damn we ARE playing Tynelia…”



<Squornshelous section of their stadium>

“This is great we’re going to trump those Aces out there today!” says a nameless fan to his drinking buddy.

“You know it. New number ones right here yeah!” his buddy replies.

“ What are you talking about?” asks another fan wearing Spruitland colors.

“Taking down Krytenia today that’s what we’re talking about.” The nameless fan gloats. “Hey shouldn’t you be off watching the Tynelia match?”

“Why would I do that? We’re playing you guys here.” The Spruitland fan answers as the Spruitland squad takes the field.

<Squornshelousian fans look at each other in confusion before shrugging> “Yeah we’re gonna knock the spirit right out you guys!”

“You know it! New number one right here yeah!”



Tynelia Goes Old School, Upsets Krytenia

In one of the bigger upsets of the first day of the World Cup proper, Tynelia went back to its early days to pull off a shocking 1-0 shutout win over the number one team in the world Krytenia. The match started out surprisingly with Tynelia on the attack early as Krytenia seemed a bit confused and out of sorts in the early going as if they hadn’t prepared properly for this match.

Taking advantage of this, it seemed only fitting that it was player/coach Jay Masterson who put in the only goal of the match at the eight minute mark. The wily veteran showed that while he may have lost a few steps and can’t keep going all out for too long before tiring that his shooting leg is just fine. In an early surge that saw shots by both Bill Jakes and Connor MacDougal knocked away by the Krytenian keeper Simon Barradez, the ball ended up rolling right to Masterson on the second save just inside the penalty kick line and the veteran fired it home, showing the form that got him into the final five in the legends penalty kick shootout eight years ago.

Carried off the field by his jubilant teammates, Masterson sent in Duncan MacDougal to replace him a few minutes earlier than expected and picked up the clipboard to don his coach’s hat again. At that point he began a somewhat questionable strategy of letting the air out of the ball and turning to Tynelia’s strength which was defense. This of course goes back to Tynelia’s Baptism of Fire where they came close to setting a record for most 1-0 wins in the BoF by getting the early edge and then sitting on it and hoping for the best.

However by the end of the first half Krytenia seemed to have gathered itself and controlled the last ten minutes of the half but were stymied when they found their passing lanes shut down by a defending Tynelian team. The half ended with Tynelia holding a slim 53% - 47% edge in possession though shots were even.

The second half began and Krytenia began pushing the pace again to try and break through the stubborn defense of Tynelia which was attacking about as much as its mascot the hippo would. Samuel Duffy nearly tied it at the 61st minute but his shot to the left corner just clipped the top half of the crossbar and sailed over the net after beating Tynelian keeper Tom Gordman. Later Jermaine Orange broke in at minute 68 but rushed his shot just a bit and couldn’t quite get it over the head of a leaping Gordman. Tynelia nearly added to its lead when Connor MacDougal in minute 80 off a long pass from Debbie Landers but a nice defensive play from Vincent Alexander who caught macDougalk from behind broke up the play before MacDougal could get the shot away. Krytenia’s last chance came at the start of extra time when Liam Platt was one on one with Jane Stossels who managed to force him to redirect his shot at the last moment which was enough to send it just wide of the net. So despite a whopping 65% edge in posession in the second half Krytenia could not get the equalizer giving Tynelia the upset win.

Time ran out soon after and the Hippos stormed the field to celebrate not only the biggest win in Tynelian soccer history, but beating the top team in the world, winning their first ever world cup proper matchup and moving into a qualifying spot in a match few thought they could even get a point against. Next up for the team is most certainly a team beginning with the letter S. Most believe it will be Squornshelous going by earlier schedules as the teams that are tied for first right now go head to head. If things work out right a win here and Tynelia MAY be able to clinch a qualifying spot for the knockouts after only two matches. With the team’s confidence sky high after beating the best team in the world it will no doubt only help the team in these next two matches, whatever order they may be

The Chairman was pleased. What could be finer than first class travel to the World Cup? These Quazcz people knew how to put on a tournament. Fine grounds, much better than that Heathen rathole, chauffeur to take him from the five styar hotel to the matches, and a most excellent fare provided at the venue. Roast penguin...a meal fit for a Went.

And what a seat! Halfway line, mixing with the bigwigs. There was thingy who played for wotsit in the final twenty years ago. There was chappie who was in charge of the whole shooting match. And whatsisface who does something.

The Chairman's delight was complete as the ball hit the net inside the first twenty minutes. "Oh, well played, sir!!!!" he bellowed. He was only slightly disappointed that the Shade pointed out that a Qazox player had scored. "Er, yes. Must, er, show a sporting face to the opposition, eh?"

Matchday One of the World Cup proper, and we set our stage in the away section of the Temple of Yak where the Northern Bettian faithful are applauding their team off the pitch after their dramatic shock win over the hosts. Indeed, many thousands made their way through the darkness of the Anyuna Passage into Bettia itself before making the short hop over the Az-Cz, and despite the gloominess of their surroundings, the fans are alight with delight...

...well, all except one.

Hiro, our erstwhile tattooed thug who has decided to risk his freedom in order to watch his beloved Fire Ants, is less than happy.

"For fuck's sake. I wish I really had decked that monk now! I mean... I skipped my court case for this?!?"

"What are you spouting on about?" his pal Massa shouts above the noise of the away terrace. "We won, didn't we?"

"Well, sure, we scored two and they didn't and it was an entertaining game, but... what happened to 'System Obani'? Not one of their players sent off, not one of their players stretchered off the park - I was so looking forward to chanting 'You're going home in a fuckin' ambulance!', but no! The players had to play fair here didn't they? They just had to be 'sporting'!" he shouts angrily, making the inverted-comma gesture with his hands.

"Please don't do that."

"Do what?"

"This." Massa replied, mimicking the inverted-commas gesture. "You look like a bloody city office manager type. What's next - going out for a piss-up in a trendy wine bar?"

"You WHAT?! You calling me a ponce?"

"No, actually I'm calling you 'trendy wine bar drinker'" Massa replies mockingly, repeating the inverted-comma gesture.

Hiro's face darkened, even darker than the Temple of Yak. "Oh that's it boy, you're gonna get it now. Chew on THIS ya fucker!" he yells, swinging a punch that landed squarely on Massa's jaw.

"Yeah, that's more it." he says, wiping his bottom lip before lunging forward, barrelling into Hiro and a few spectators next to him. Pretty soon, a full-scale riot is in progress, with seats and punches flying in equal measure.

Yes, the Northern Bettian fans are making some noise... but for an altogether different reason.


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT

First Round, Group E

01: Az-Cz................Yak.....W 2-0
02: Demot................BenD
03: Milchama.............Yak

Qualifying Playoff

PO: Ropa Topia...........HOME....W 5-2

Qualifying Group Two

01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away....W 3-1
16: Zwangzug.............Away....D 1-1
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME....W 3-2
18: Cafundéu.............HOME....L 2-6

"Welcome once again to World Cup Sloths, live from the Knight's Colloseum in Es-Ef, Az-cz. I'm Dana Lee..."

"...and I'm Filipo Schiavone."

"And what a treat we're in for today. The World Cup's first ever completely blindfolded game. Schiavonia and The Archregimancy will be playing each other without a single player using their sight."

"Fortunately, the rest of us will be using their sight, and what a sight we're expecting it to be."

"Indeed, in a stadium that is probably ninety percent naked, including my co-commentator here..."

"Look, if they can do it, why can't I?"

"Because... well you're a bit bigger than the locals."

"Well, I've never been one to brag, but..."

"I meant in height."

"And what difference does that make?"

"I... oh, never mind."

"Anyway, the teams are coming out... or at least, they're trying to. There's a few monks on the pitch, and a couple of the Schiavone players have wandered out too. There's Colin Chester, and Chris Howard, too."

"Well, as the players wander out, the team news is that both nations will have their usual starters out. That is, if they can find their way out."

"They're slowly getting there..."

"And... we're lined up for the national anthems. Somehow they've organised this ramshackle bunch into a line, and we'll start of with Viva Schiavonia."

*The camera pans along the Schiavone team, one by one, while an awful musical combination of calypso and strings plays in the background.*

"Well, as usual, that was truly horrendous. Doesn't it make you proud to be Schiavone. And now for the Archregimancy."

"Actually, I've just realised, I've left my... um... kettle on at home."

"In Tynelia?"

"No, at the hotel. I'd... better get back to see to it."

"But don't kettles switch off when the water... Dana... DANA! Well, Dana's gone. I'll just have to commentate on the game myself, then."

- - - - -

Two hours later...

"I'm back. Did I miss much? Fil... Fil... Oh, would you look at that. He's fallen asleep. Well, the Monastic team have finished their pre-kick-off prayer, and it's on with the comedy show."

"Uh?"

"There there, Fil."

"You... where are we?"

"We're at the most random game we've ever seen. Two teams of blindfolded players, one of which in full monastic dress, are about to play a World Cup game."

"You mean they haven't started yet?"

"Of course not. Now, the kick off. Br. Innocent, kicks it to Fr. Silouan... no he doesn't. He's missed it. Oh, this is going to be fun!"

- - - - -

[i]44 minutes[i]

"...and the ball bounces off Br. Iosephus for a throw in on the half way line, just in front of the substitutes benches. And... Tony Tarmey is calling over Shiela Blige and Alan Tiss. He's given Tiss the ball... he's turning Blige to face towards the goal. Now what are they doing here... Tiss takes the throw in, Blige is running towards the goal, and in the same direction as the ball. She's got it. She's... she's going to score... GOAL!"

"It is indeed! And the plan has worked! One-nil, and that looks like a good for being the half-time score."

- - - - -

[i]Second half[i]

"Well, we're back out for the second half, and it's going to be Colin Chester kicking off to Arran Di Chula. A successful pass, and now Di Chula is wandering through the Archregimancy half with the ball. He's still going... it's a goal! Two-nil Schiavonia!"

"A cunning plan, that one. It seemed to work well."

"And... who is that behind the goal celebrating with the players? It's one of the Schiavone coaching staff, who seem to have been stood behind the goal and guided Di Chula in his direction."

"Well... is that not cheating?"

"Apparently not. It's just help."

"So why are we the only team doing it?"

"Because I don't think the Archregimancy have cottoned on to it yet. What with not being able to see what's going on."

"Oh. So fair's fair then?"

"Indeed it is."

- - - - -

[i]Full time[i]

"And what a night's entertainment it's been. Schiavonia winning by four goals to two in the end, and reports are reaching us that manager Tony Tarmey did it without his tactics board."

"Well, of course he did. The players were blindfolded. They wouldn't have been able to see anything!"

"No, what I mean is that Tarmey's tactics board has gone missing. It was there, but now it isn't."

"Oh."

"So, that's it from us."

"Actually, one more thing. We're off to a charity exhibition after Schiavonia's third game of the cup, against Errinundera. But before that is Starblaydia next match. A win could see us go through if other scores go our way, and how much would that be a relief to all you back home."

"Finished now?"

"Yup."

"Well, we'll see you next time."

Amda-Mo: Az-cz has hit a new low tonight. Normally a loss in the world cup would be disappointing but not damaging, but a 2-0 loss on home soil against a team like Northern Bettia hurts a lot.

Lur-Mn: Indeed. Did you know this is the first time we've ever lost to a team ranked below us in world cup play. In three full sets of qualifiers and two world cup propers we'd NEVER lost to a team with a rank below our own. Not even in our cup of harmony experience. So to choke on such a scale in the first game of our cup stings badly.

Amda-Mo: Wow. I had no idea. That does indeed increase the pain. So what happened out there?

Lur-Mn: I wish I knew. We failed to score against a team with two defenders. It's just appalling.

Amda-Mo: The concerns coming into the cup were about our defense. How did they look?

Lur-Mn: They were ok. Nerazzurri's lapse hurt but as a whole it was a decent performance. If we had the rest of the team playing well it might have been ok, but they weren't.

Amda-Mo: What was the problem with the offense?

Lur-Mn: I can't tell if it was too predicatble or the timing was off or what. But Levesque never looked to be getting much service and the service to Kn-Dg was poor. EE-Or had the one chance and totally wasted it.

Amda-Mo: What about the play of Northern Bettia?

Lur-Mn: They looked good out there. They showed an ability to play defense no one expected. They're even further along after one cup then we were. And they didn't even resort to cheating to beat us. You've got to tip your cap to them.

Amda-Mo: Looking ahead our next match is against Milchama, a team who beat us 4-2 to start world cup 32 spiraling out of control.

Lur-Mn: And unfortunately they are also coming in wounded off on a stunning 5-3 loss to Demot. That means that the two teams who were expected to control the group will both be fighting for their lives. Not good.

Amda-Mo: So what's the key to the game?

Lur-Mn: It's hard to say. We don't seem to have anything working right. Bettia pounded us for four goals in our final friendly and then Northern Bettia shut us out. At least the Milchamians have their offense clicking, even if the defense looked poor against Demot. I think if we get by them it will be on heart and heart alone.

Amda-Mo: That bad, really?

Lur-Mn: It's hard to say. We looked fantastic against Bazalonia in our friendly. If we can rediscover that form we can beat them. But it looks like the squad just isn't gelling with the 3-6-1.

Amda-Mo: Does that mean there will be possible changes for next match?

Lur-Mn: I'll say this: It would take major courage to stick with the same lineup for the next match. If it was me I'd take EE-Or off and stick Stanleyinho back in the starting lineup. And I might start Uz-Gz. I think we want as much experience on the pitch as possible.

Amda-Mo: Looking at other scores from Az-cz what jumps out at you?

Lur-Mn: Well clearly the Demot score we've already mentioned. Schiavonia looks awesome even blindfolded and Krytenia is a squad in trouble.

Amda-Mo: And in Quakmybush?

Lur-Mn: Bazalonia picked up a huge win. Who'd have guessed that after match day one Northern Bettia would be the only team from that qualifying group with any points as Ariddia, Cafundeu and Archregimancy all bit the dust. Turori's continued fine play is the other story.

Amda-Mo: Well best luck to the team. They've got a full nation behind them coming up for their next match in the clouds.

"Man the people were rolling in today. Everyone wants to see the gear of famous soccer players."

"Yeah boss, some of the Schiavonians went crazy over the Tony Tarmey boots."

"Yeah, nice work on that Nay-Ilz."

"But you know boss, most of the people were there were dirty old men from Starblaydia checking out the Dazza Dallas features."

"True, but can you blame them. The things she does with that snake. My god. No wonder she's such a star in Jeruselem."

"Not surpisingly the monks from the Archregimancy didn't show up. You'd think they might help charity. But no their pointless rules keep them from being able to do things logically. There idea of blindfolded soccer is just ridiculous. If they can't play with naked people around they deserve to lose. Stupid twats."

Just then a man comes running into the room.

"Boss we've got a big problem. "

"Relax Vi-To. What is it?"

Tarmey's clipboard got stolen from the game."

"You're right, that isn't good. Stuff stolen from before is basically ok. But stuff used in this cup needs to stay where it is. Any idea who did it?"

"Well I'm pretty certain that there are Az-czzers involved. But I'm pretty certain there are foreigners involved as well."

"Good work, Vi-To. Let's keep an eye out for that. We might expect some visits from the police. Thankfully they know what's up, so we shouldn't have any problems, but the international community might be an issue. Let's be careful."

O JUTENSE NEWSPAPER – ASSOCIATED WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA

WORLD CUP 33 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE
Match Report written by O Jutense editor, Milene Escobar
With phrases and images from Globo Multimedia’s coverage, commented by Breno Gavião

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A GOOD FIRST GAME, BUT UNFORTUNATELY A LOSS

http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/429/pavarottiinthefinalcafpv0.jpg
Some supporters came early to the stadium

Cafundéu went to Az-Cz to play its first game in its second campaign in the World Cup. With a better team and better ranking, the team was hoping to play well since the start. And that happened. Not with a win, but with an incredible performance against vice-champions Jeruselem, who had difficulties to defeat the monopolists. The loss was predictable, so the team didn’t have a bad start.

Now the team must get positive results in the next two games, against Assegai Developments and Sel Appa. Both teams have approximately the same level, so the draw wasn’t a surprise. They have dedicated teams and ready to play at good level. Cafundéu will have to be very cautious, and there’s no big advantage in playing these teams. Let’s see what we can do.

THE GAME
Just before the game, Cafundéu’s supporters discovered that two important players of the field were injured in the trainings, and had to be substituted minutes before the start of the match. They were the goalkeeper Vargas and the midfielder Kliek. Cão and Falcus entered in their places, with Falcus as the captain. Luckily, they’ll be able to play the next games. Jeruselem played with an interesting blue and black kit while Cafundéu used the usual one.

In the first minutes of the game, the Jeruselem team was clearly superior and dominated the match. Cafundéu was slowly winning some possession, but not the sufficient to bring danger to the opponent, who scored the first goal in the seventeenth minute. Dosha received the ball in the attack from Lunger, dribbled Sávio Ferrari and crossed to Tunk, who headed and scored the first goal. Read Breno Gavião’s comments about the goal:

“Jeruselem attacks with strrrrrength, with Lunger. Beautiful pass to Dosha, she comes and drrrrribbles Sávio, crrrrrrrrrrosses the ball to the arrrrrea, Tunk appears in front of Becão and heads! It’s a goal. Goal for Jeruselem! Tunk! Jeruselem one, Cafundéu zero!”

But Cafundéu didn’t give up, and five minutes later scored in an incredible counterattack, started by the tall Anormal. The midfielder ran over an opponent and made a good pass to Ganz Ijak, who crossed the ball to Falcus. The midfielder hit the ball with a volley and scored the goal, making the game more exciting and commemorating very much. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Now this is a fast counterrrrrattack, we have good chances to scorrrrre. Anorrrrrmal drrrrribbles an opponent, good pass. Ganz Ijak finds a team mate inside the arrrrrea, the ball is for him, it’s Falcus... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Look, please look at the replay! Falcus, number fifteen! Cafundéu one, Jeruselem one!”

But, in two good plays, Jeruselem made things worse to Cafundéu. The first one started with Tunk, who dribbled Vandick and Becão and passed the ball to Pointy Stick, who hit the ball with a bycicle kick. Cão made a spetacular save, but the midfielder shot again to score the goal. More than ten minutes later, Jeruselem scored another goal. Rashina Dallas came running from the wing and crossed the ball to Alexander. She held the ball and shot in the right corner to score. Read Breno Gavião’s comments about Alexander’s goal:

“Rrrrrashina Dallas comes rrrrruning in the right wing. Prrrrriotto couldn’t chase her. She has now a good chance, with possibilities to crrrrross the ball. She does it, the ball is going to the arrrrrea. Monique takes it, shoots... and it’s another goal! Goal for Jeruselem! Monique Alexander! Jeruselem three, Cafundéu one!”

In the injury time, Cafundéu was able to score again. Priotto was fouled by Rashina Dallas. Vandick took the free kick, the ball hit the wall and Heitor got the rebound, shooting with strength to score the goal. Before that, Falcus asked to leave because of a strong headache, and Kimball entered in his place. The first half ended with the incredible result of 3x2 for Jeruselem.

http://img182.imageshack.us/img182/535/3852177245gacafif9.jpg
Falcus left the game with a strong headache

In the second half, both teams seemed with will to fight for the victory until the end. The place was very hot, as the stadium is located in the underground, but both teams had no problems about that. In the first minutes of the second half, the teams battled for the ball, and both teams had some chances. Jeruselem with Rashina Dallas and Tunk, and Cafundéu with Anormal and Ganz Ijak.

And Jeruselem scored after twenty minutes, in a lucky goal. Big Gay Al, who had entered minutes before in the game, received the ball after Alexander shot it and it hit Sávio Ferrari’s chest. He had no problems to shot and score the goal, as he was alone with only the keeper to beat. Jeruselem commemorated the probable goal of the victory. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Rrrrrashina Dallas again in the rrrrright wing, but now she goes to the centrrrre to shoot. She gets some space, shoots... it hit Sávio! Oh, no, Al got the rrrrrebound, he has the chance to score... and it’s a goal! Goal for Jeruselem! Al! Jeruselem four, Cafundéu two!”

Cafundéu’s players were with a will that the supporters never saw before. At each Jeruselem’s attack, they ran to reply. And with this attitude, Cafundéu scored the third goal. Anormal shot from outside the area, Simpson saved. The rebound remained with Metir, who passed the ball to Ganz Ijak in the middle of the area. The striker shot and scored the goal. Read Breno Gavião’s comments:

“Cafundéu with another good attack. This time Anorrrrrmal is with the ball, he goes to the attack, waits for the best moment, shoots... SIMPSON! What a grrrrreat save! The rrrrrebound is for Metir, he crrrrrrrrrrosses, Ganz... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Here is the replay! Ganz Ijak, number nine! Cafundéu three, Jeruselem four!”

After the third goal, Cafundéu’s supporters were hoping to see a possible draw, but Jeruselem’s players made everything to avoid that. After ten exciting minutes of game, Tunk destroyed Cafundéu’s hopes. In an individual play, he invaded the area and shot with strength, scoring the last goal of the game and commemorating with his team mates. Read Breno Gavião:

“Tunk rrrrruns, he rrrrreaches the midfield. Continues rrrrrunning, drrrrribbles Brahma, continues rrrrrunning, drrrrribbles Kirs, continues rrrrrunning, invades the arrrrrea drrrrribbling Sávio Ferrari. He’ll shoot... and it’s a goal! Goal for Jeruselem! Tunk! Jeruselem five, Cafundéu three!”

In the last minutes of the second half, Cafundéu even tried to react with Renário, but it was too late. Jeruselem only had to keep the ball under control under the end of the game to commemorate the result, and Cafundéu had to leave hoping to win the next games.

After the game, the players talked with the press about the result. Renário said: “We lost, and this is the worst possible result. But, anyway, it was against the best team of the group, so we still have good chances to qualify.” Sávio Ferrari said: “We played well but unfortunately we couldn’t take the victory, We’ll have to win the next two games, I think.”

Cão said: “It’s nothing good to suffer five goals in only one match, so this really wasn’t a good game for me.” Braddock, the coach, completed: “A loss never is a good result, no matter if we play well or not. So, this game against Jeruselem ended in a bad result for us.”

http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/5818/3852185942gacafwm8.jpg
Cafundéu fought well, but lost the game

CAFUNDÉU 3x5 JERUSELEM

Place: Shangri-La, in Az-Cz.
Attendance: 63,500 people.
Referee: agon (Errinundera).
MOTM: Tunk (Jeruselem).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Cão, Wantuirso, Sávio Ferrari and Becão; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma, Falcus (Kimball 44’) and Kirs (Metir 63’); Heitor (Renário 80’) and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/jeruselem.png JERUSELEM: Simpson, Rashina Dallas, Pastor Jones, Mokat (Bootcutter 76’) and Frodo; Lunger, Pointy Stick, Alexander and Warne (Greski 45’); Tunk and Dosha (Big Gay Al 60’).
Coach: Debbie Dallas.

Goals:CAF: Falcus 22’ , Heitor 45’+ , Ganz Ijak 73’.
JER: Tunk 17’/85’ , Pointy Stick 28’ , Alexander 41’ , Big Gay Al 66’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cafundéu – formation for game against Assegai Developments: Vargas, Vandick, Becão, Sávio Ferrari and Kirs; Anormal, Priotto, Brahma and Kliek; Heitor and Ganz Ijak.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +2

Match’s Referee: Harry Ford (Bazalonia).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WC Goalscorers:

1- Ganz Ijak, Heitor and Falcus

I HATE THEM!!!

Who?

Az-Cz and Quakmybush they are clearly biased against us?

How?

Well let's start with the referees, they were chimps, not in the figurative sense but in LITERAL SENSE FUCKING CHIMPANZEES!!!!!!!

That's bad but were they at least intellegent

No, they're only contribution to the game at all was throwing fieces on the players.

So then shouldn't we win considering we would bend the rules quite mightily.

No, because there was one human and he was from ESF

How does that matter?

ESF and Demot are very close, very very close so whenever he saw any Milchamian on the opponents half of the field with the ball near him he called offside.

So you're saying we scored 3 goals from behind the half way line.

Yes

Wow, then how did we give up 5?

The Elven referee also managed to encourage the chimps to throw their fieces at our defenders and goalie making it hard for them to see and easy for the Demons to score.

Should we call a replay?

Nah, no way Quakmybush and Az-Cz would allow it considering they're the ones who hired the chimps in the first place.

Hmmm, good point but couldn't we go above them?

Not a shot in hell.

Now can we have Douglas Jefferey blame a vague international conspiracy considering everything you told me is lies.

Sure

Turtles Draw in World Cup Debut match

The Turtles managed to secure a draw in their first-ever match at the World Cup Finals. The team still couldn't come to the realization that they had qualified. At least half were gripped by fear and paranoia and caused golakeeper Vasily Kashchenko to make quite a few close saves. They could hardly put together any attacks and often fell back in sheer fear that an opposing player might slip through and score. Then, all of a sudden Estevez pilfered the ball from Assegai defender Francis Rowe and shlopped it straight into the net. The Turtles cheered with joy and the referee had to breakup the cheering to restart play. He almost gave a card, but decided against it. The Turtles played the rest of the half, finally coming to the realization that they had qualified. They put up a remarkable defense and Miqulinho came close to increasing the lead.

The second half saw lots of back-and-forth action. Both sides earned corner after corner and saw at least a dozen close calls each. The watch began to grow tense until Assegai midfielder Ashley Riot snuck past the Sel Appan dfense to deliver a 74th minute goal. Now equalized, Assegai sought to take the lead, but was stopped with a remarkable defense maneuver by Sel Appa's Kash Vasou. Both sides began to realize the need for a win here in the Group Stage and proceeded to send huge attacks at each other. Despite poving futile, the two teams continued to send their players forward, but the two keepers refused to let their guard down again. As the minutes ticked down towards Full Time, the Turtles pulled back, hoping to preserve the draw. Estevez, Alex Nart, and Arthur Mercator remained in centrefield to distract the Assegai team. After much nonsense and a little bit of stoppage time, the whistle was blown at a 1-1 draw.

The Turtles seemed quite accepting and happy that this had not been a loss. Coach Charles DuPont congratulated the team on "a job well-done". Arthur Mercator remarked that it a win would probably end up being needed in the end. Many predicted a loss against Jeruselem, but Coach DuPont thought otherwise: "I've always looked on the bright side and tried to make the best out of everything. Even if we lose, we'll make sure we don't go down easily." In the Assegai locker room, things were not so peaceful. It was reported that some players were arguing and yelling at each other. There was also a rumor of a fistfight between the goalkeeper Akihiko Yoshida and captain Ashley Riot. This has not been confirmed.

The Turtles look to their next match against Jeruselem, who is on top of the group. Cafendeu takes the bottom. A win or draw will be vital if there is any hope that the Turtles will go through. While most seem to think a loss is inevitable, quite a number of risktakers have bet significant sums of money that Sel Appa will pull off an upset and defeat Jeruselem, known for their porn-star sportscaster person thing, Dazza Dallas. There has been a slight increase in the number of Dazza Dallas caricature costumes sold in Sel Appa.

In a debate round...

Objective reality does not exist

Thompson in 70

Reality is nothing but the thought process of our minds in looking into something and deciding whether we believe in it or not. Reality will always mean different things to different people as what is truly real and what is truly fake can never be known. Even if I believe that I exist that does not preclude me from thinking that others who they believe to be real do not exist and things that I believe might be real to somebody else. Therefore no true objective reality can exist for it will always be different. Even if one believes that she does exist then only she can prove her existence and no one else.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

So then we really didn't lose to Demot did we?

No, we merely lost in the eyes of one reality I'm pretty sure in another reality we won. Actually I'm pretty sure that in 100 realities we beat 82 times.

But isn't this reality the only one that matters

No not really, other realities can exist heck I don't even believe we lost, we actually won 3-2 on a late Copperlee, Davy Copperlee, great player just really shouldn't be playing center forward. Also we weren't playing Demot we were playing ASMV led by Connor Jones and Jonathan Fairbanks is one heck of a coach.

Umm..... Ok then.

"So Joe, what do you think of the Geisenfried results?"

"Slightly worse than deep-Geisenfried-chicken, George. Horrible, of course, what exactly do you, uh, want me to say? We didn't get a win! And of course, now we need one."

"But that should be easy enough, just bribe some referees, borrow that penguin from Casari, and heck, maybe even a couple of drunks to stumple onto the field at half-time and give everyone a good show."

"What in the world do a couple of drunks have when giving our beloved Galaxy an advantage?"

"I don't know, I just like seeing drunk people. It's funny."

"Well, no one's going to be able to support a couple of drunk people playing when we've got the likes of Toldo, McGinney and Jopolik."

"But they're funny looking!"

"So are you."

"Gee, thanks there Joe."

"Anytime George. So how much would bribing a referee do?"

"Not much, it would take too much money and someone would rat him out."

"So what exactly do we do?"

"Well, there's this time honored tradition of trading manilla envelopes with the hosts."

"Full of money?"

"No, just empty envelopes."

"And what the hell does that mean?"

"Not a clue. But I remember way back from World Cup 15 or something about this rubber chicken sacrifice to this 'Margaret' person."

"You mean Davies old secretary?"

"No, some other person named Margaret. Used to be involved with the Frostfilled Borderlands of SN38 or something."

"Maybe we should try that. Know where to find some rubber chickens?"

"No, but apparently this Casaran import store is selling rubber hamsters typing on a computer."

"That'll do."

“Fans of Assegai Developments football, this is Mikaela Eyre reporting live from Az-cz City, where the national team has just finished running a series of grueling practice sessions in preparation for their match against Cafundeu.

“However, we’re here today to talk about the fallout of the 1-1 draw versus Sel Appa and the rumors circulating throughout the international media.”

She turns to her left and we see Assegai Manager Sir Knight Edgard Zúniga, Team Captain Ashley Riot and goalkeeper Akihiko Yoshida.

“So, Sel Appa’s media reports that things in the Assegai locker room ‘were not so peaceful’ after the game, that ‘some players were arguing and yelling at each other,’ and that there was ‘rumor of a fistfight’ between Akihiko Yoshida and Ashley Riot. Any truth to this, gentlemen?” she asks them.

“Let’s be honest,” says Zúniga in a semi-serious tone. “Yes, there was yelling; I was yelling and so was one of our forwards, Severus Snape. I was yelling at my team because I was upset at their level of play against a cheap team like Sel Appa. We play them any other time, anywhere, and we will beat them. I am not impressed by the Turtles.”

Akihiko clears his throat. “I have…much respect for Ashley,” he says calmly. “He is not only good teammate; he is like brother to me. He is always respectful of his teammates and would never hurt any of us. Saying that we fight…that is very wrong.”

Ashley smiles and nods, placing a hand on Akihiko’s shoulder.

“You know…that means a lot to me,” he says, smiling. “It’s just funny to me that anyone would think that I would hurt my teammates or fight with them. That’s just stupid. Besides, Akihiko is one of the most composed and calm individuals on our team. Wow…I can’t believe someone reported we got into a fight. What an idiot.

“But, you know what? Sir Knight Zúniga had all the right in the world to speak to us like he did. After all, for us to go through so much strife to finally get here and we debut with a lame draw against a lame team? It was disappointing. I hope everyone understands that,” he says.

Mikaela nods.

“Well, thanks for clearing that up,” she says. “We’ll let you get back to the dressing room.”

The three men wave and walk off.

“Fans, be sure to pick up tomorrow’s copy of The Crimson Blade, where I’ll provide a pre-game capsule of Assegai’s match against the squad from Cafundeu. Be sure to catch our post-game report! Reporting live from Az-cz City in Az-cz, this is Mikaela Eyre signing off!”

"Yo Jacob, wazabi man?"

A tall, bleach blonde elf, with a muscled frame and sun glasses looks up from his magazine.
"Hey brother, just chilling here, waiting for the next pratice, what about you Martin?"

"Trying to avoid Revtron, he's still on my ass for letting three the other day against The Holy Empire. Soo angry in fact, that he's thinking of starting you, despite you not playing a second in the qualies."

Jacob shook his head and laugh.
"Now I know that he got us here, our first Proper and all, but you would think that the ESC and EFA would find a better person to be the manager of national team. Anyways bro, don't get soo nervous about it, we play Slani next, and you got the expierence against them from the qualifiers before."

"Yeah, I spose you're right, I just hope that whatever was bothering the team the other day is gone. Something was amiss there, now I ain't saying that Meliki cursed us like Zacharius did, but something was definately off. I mean, we played lethargic and boring football out there. We never played like that."

Suddenly Jacob turned to his brother and stared at him like he had seen a ghost.
"We're all fools. That hotel manager didn't want us to be the taste testers for his wine, he wanted to poison us, and he did a mighty fine job at that. We should file a complaint with the World Cup Commitee."

"Won't do no good, we consented to drinking to it. We could claim that if we had known it was poison that we never would of, but it all be for not in the end. Just best to take the lesson learned and move on."

"Alright, well it's six, so I think we should head over to the training facility and get some pratice in before the team dinner."

"Sounds good, and let's be sure we bring our own wine this time!"

News item from the First Creek Falls (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/First_Creek_Falls) Age.

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COPYCAT BLINDFOLD MURDER 1

Just as the trial of notorious axe tree murderer, cleaverp, commenced today in Yalmy a copycat crime took place in distant Three Sisters. Local magistrate, icti, was just one of the villagers tied up, blindfolded and forced to listen as the tree murderer took to a house tree with an axe. “You cannot begin to imagine what it is like being helpless while one of our beautiful trees is being chopped down nearby. You know how long it took for them to it? 5 hours! I just hope they got plenty of blisters before they finished. What did the tree ever do to them?”

The perpetrator of the crime has been identified as a 57 year old local woman by the name of polearmp. Local mayor, pallep, said that neighbours have reported that the woman had been following the exploits of cleaverp avidly. “We have found, in her house, several bookloads of press cuttings relating to the antics of the original serial axe-murderer, cleaverp. Actually, what amazes me is how this 1.55 metre tall skinny woman managed to finish the tree off at all.”

Conspiracy theorists have also been wondering how this woman managed to tie up and blindfold so many people. Neither the magistrate nor the mayor have been forthcoming on this vexed question. One uncredited story is that the entire village took part in a satanic tree sacrifice with polearmp taking the fall, so to speak.

COPYCAT BLINDFOLD MURDER 2

Inspired by the generosity of Schiavonia in playing blindfolded against the Archregimancy the other teams in Group H of World Cup 33, Errinundera and Starblaydia, agreed to play their match blindfolded as well. Captain and coach of the potoroos, the angelic genderqueer rosaniel said it was only fair. “All teams in this group should be playing under the same handicap. That way the final group ladder can be rightfully claimed as entirely due to the luck of the teams. We don’t want any advantage that could sully the reputation of the teams that make it through to the second round.”

The teams invited the match referees to officiate blindfolded as well, however they declined. “Makes no difference,” noted rosaniel just before the game commenced. As a token of solidarity the supporters of both teams also wore blindfolds. Vendors of team merchandise reported that they made a killing with the fans. “We had to cut up team scarves to meet the demand,” said one vendor.

According to officials, all goals in the 3-1 scoreline, were own-goals. No-one else at the ground is able to corroborate the official result. The camera crews covered their eyes in sympathy with the players and within seconds of the commencement of the match all cameras were out of focus. Officials have refused to release the names of the scorers in order to protect the players’ reputations.

Conspiracy theorists have claimed that the 3-1 scoreline was concocted by the match organisers to cover up the death of the referee who was supposedly crushed by several players falling on her as they dashed madly around the pitch. “It was murder out there,” admitted rosaniel. The conspiracy theory has been given credence by the withdrawal of the referee who was scheduled to officiate in the next round of matches.

RP Cutoff

QSPNFootball.Net Match Report:

ONE STEP CLOSER
QAZOX-1 The Lowland Clans- 1

One more game left in Group B and Qazox controls its own destiny as they try to advance to the round of 16. A 1-1 draw with The Lowland Clans, keeps Qazox in first place, after Geisenfried and Wentland drew 1-1 as well.

Cristiano Toldo, of TLC scored 1st following a controversial call in the 37th minute, when Qazoxian defender Juan Won One, was given a yellow card for pulling down a TLC midfielder during a corner kick. Replays show that the TLC player tripped on his own, and it just looked like Juan pulled him down. Toldo then plastered the penalty right past Greg Wolfen to give the Galaxy a 1-0 lead.

But the Black Oxen's defense, which has perfoermed well, kept the Galaxy off the board for the rest of the match, while Kyle Horton managed to sneak a shot by Jensen Liptings to tie it at 1-1 in the 56th minute. Neither side could sustain much of an attack over the last 30 minutes and it ended 1-1.

As said once before, with one match left against Geisenfried, Qazox controls its destiny in terms of advancement. Here is a run down of the senarios:


1- If Qazox wins: They win Group B, and advance to next round.
2- If Qazox Draws:
(a) They advance to next round.
(b) If TLC and Wentland end in a draw, Qazox wins Group B.
(c) If TLC wins by 1 goal, and scores less or the same amount of goals than/as Qazox does, Qazox wins Group B.
(d) If TLC wins by 2 or more goals, or wins by 1 goal and scores more than Qazox does, TLC wins Group and Qazox finishes 2nd.
3- If Qazox Loses:
(a) Will advance to next round with a TLC-Wentland Draw.
(b) If Wentland wins by one goal and Qazox scores the same number of goals Wentland does, Qazox will advance to the next round.
(c) If TLC wins, Qazox is eliminated.



Scoring Summary:
QAZOX: Horton (2)- 56'
TLC: Cosmo "Magic" Kent: 38' (PK)
CARDS: QAZOX: Yellow: Juan Won One-37th
TLC: None

Now that Sel Appa has made it to the World Cup Finals, we here at SASN decided to ask fans how they felt about it:

What was your first reaction when you heard Sel Appa had qualified?

"I was in the bathtub and the radio was on. I was listening to the end of the Nebuleux match and when I heard the whistle blow and the commentator yelled: 'Turtles Win!' and then said that they had pretty much qualified. I was quite happy, but soon realized that the water had been draining from the tub and..."

"Well I had just had a good time with my boyfriend in bed and we turned on the news afterwards and they had a banner on the bottom saying something like 'Turtles Qualify'. We both seemed a bit happy I guess and after some boring murder story, we shut it off and went back to work..."

"Morning paper if I remember correctly. I didn't think much of it until I was doing the daily crossword and one of the clues was 'Estevez'. At that point, I remembered skimming something about 'Turtles' and 'Qualifying' for something."

How do you feel about Sel Appa making it to the World Cup on its fourth attempt?

"I have a bad feeling about this..."

"Um...well they...er...worked...uh...hard and...um...deserve it...uh...I suppose..."

"I'm f---ing happier than a pig in s--t!"

Do you think the Turtles will go through to the Knockouts?

"Uh, sure...why not"

"ABSOLUTELY, MAN! THEY JUST NEED TO BEAT THAT JERU-SOMETHING TEAM, YO!"

"I believe it is possible, but it is still the first Cup and therefore unlikely."

How do you think the cohosts have done?

"Both are excellent. I'm thinking of taking a long vacation there with my wife and patronizing many of their fine establishments."

"Could you repeat the question..." *repeat* "...Oh...well...um...They ar pretty good I guess. Definitely better than the 30th Cup ones: Schiaphoneia and some other place I think."

"Hosting? This is nothing compared to their elegant countrysides that I have visited a multitude of times, in fact..."

These views may not reflect the views of SASN or its affiliates.

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National Football Coach sent to 'Optimism' Rehab


NEMNENAIT—The coach of the Turtles, Charles DuPont, was ordered into rehab after expressing "too much optimism about Sel Appa's match against 3rd-ranked Jeruselem". Well-known for looking on the bright side of, well, just about everything, DuPont said Sel Appa had "a good shot" of at least drawing against Jeruselem. This was just too much for Football Federation of Sel Appa's president Henri LePoivre. He was quoted as saying "Optimism is fine, but DuPont creates a whole new definition of the word."

http://re3.mm-a4.yimg.com/image/2833490928 _____ http://re3.mm-a7.yimg.com/image/3737891652

DuPont said he is "looking forward" to being less optimistic about things. Planned treatments include locking him in a closet for hours until "his will is broken" and having his wife ask for a divorce. DuPont does not know what will happen to him yet and is not able to contact the outside world. Nurses have reported that he is in a stable, but critical condition of optimism about the treatment.

ITS.....

THE WORLD CUP SHOW

With Basil and Theo
Your World Cup Hall of Fame Broadcasters

"Basil!"

"Theo!"

"We've been allowed on air again after the Madame Spankly incident"

"For which, Theo, we again state how deeply, amazingly sorry we are. Honest."

"Can't help but notice that the studio's looking a little more... well.... austere...."

"That's right Theo. To counter accusations that we were getting a little, well, soft and lazy, the massage parlour, solid gold diamond-encrusted jacuzzi, and harem of willing serving wenches have, alas, all been replaced."

"But did they have to be replaced with two plastic chairs and a microphone in the middle of a bare concrete booth?"

"I prefer to think of it as minimalist performance art, Theo. We're rejecting the pseudo-luxury of capitalist consumerist culture with a brutalist aesthetic based on a material culture of self-denial."

"If you say so, Basil. Now, what about the football...."

"Well, given the lack of any high-tech gadgets in our concrete bunker, I've taken the liberty of writing the Group C results down on this here sheet of paper - I'll hold it up to the camera..."

Group C

Commerce Heights [1] Elves Security Forces [2]
Alasdair I Frosticus [1] Casari [1]

AIF 1 1 0 4 4 2 2
ESF 1 0 1 3 3 4 -1
Casari 0 2 0 2 2 2 0
CH 0 1 1 1 2 3 -1

"What, we're top of the group, Basil? After two matches? And the mutant hamster led-Casarans and doctrinaire Stalinists of Commerce Heights are bottom?"

"Stalinists? You haven't been reading the Mammoth Compendium of World Cup Lies again, have you?"

"Why not, Basil? Isn't it all true?"

"You do know the dictionary definition of 'lie'... oh never mind - and here I was thinking you were the sensible one. Yes, Casari and Commerce Heights are bottom - but a big win for Commerce Heights over us, combined with a win for Casari would still see the two top seeds go through. But just so long as we don't lose to Commerce Heights by more than a goal, we're probably through."

"When was the last time the Holy Empire reached the knockout stages, Basil?"

"Not sure Theo - either World Cup 3 or World Cup 4. Either way, it was so long ago that most of the other national leaders were still wearing nappies. Only the grumpiest of old fogeys would remember...."

BAZALOPES FIRST TO QUALIFY!

In a bit of a goalfest the Bazalonian Bazalopes are the first to qualify for the group stage of the world cup beating the Oliverians 4-3. Despite the win the Ariddian game had taken alot out of the Bazalopes and they weren't performing at quite their best, combine with a hungry Oliverrian team the game was seemed to always have an Oliverian slant. However they failed to capiltalise on their chances before the Bazalonian defense shut them down.

It was a fast flowing match and it was this speed set by the forwards and the midfields that either defense could not really handle.

Everrent Kang scored a hatrick with Ricky Yunn getting in the way of 3 goals in a row. These were in the 41st, 47th and 79th minutes, Ricky scored his goal in the 62nd minute.

This means that wwith 2 out of 3 games played the Bazalopes have a perfect 6pt record and are now unassailable for their qualifying position, however top of the group is not yet solidified as if Bazalonia loses against hosts Quakmybush in their final group match then the hosts will Bazalope Leap over the Bazalopes and steal top ranking. However any other result will have the Bazalopes remain at the top of the table.

--

At a press conference Eric Frankton was asked a question about clinching the way to the knock out stage and the Ariddians not being able to progress.

"Group A is certain a strange group. I'd thought that there would be more qualifiers at this stage, but apparently we're it, though despite being qualified we won't be slacking against our match with Quakmybush, They predicted a 3-0-0 to Bazalonia and we are going to do our best to achieve it. As for Ariddians, I would like to wish them all the best, It's a pity that the defending champs were knocked out and I was looking forward perhaps meeting up with them again later on in the tournament."

----------

Qutari Officials Disappear Hosting Commitee Confused!

In a mysterious happening the Qutari delegation to the World Cup Bazaar hosting comitee dissappeared, it is uncertain where infact the Qutari's have gone as it seems the whole nation is out of contact. The Bazalonians that remain a cautiously optimistic about a Qutari return. "We, hope that they will return but we just don't know" said Andrew Coulter speaking on behalf of the committee.

This puts in danger the bid for the upcoming 34th World Cup, when asked if they will withdraw the bid there was no definitive answer, Andrew Coulter replied that "That has not yet been discussed." The hopes and dreams of Many Bazalope fans seems have been severly curtailed with this event. Either the bid will be withdrawn or the likely hood of a single host bid going through is something that will be the topic of contention for some time.

The Daily Quak
Do The Sharks Not Like Frenchmen?

For the second match in a row, the Quakmybush National Soccer Teams has points from a team with French roots. The Sharks took on defending Champions Ariddia in the Xed City Stadium, which was at full capacity. The Sharks appeared not ready for the game. With Trevor Komu finding the back of the net in the 8th minute. This woke up the Sharks. Cory Sorley hit a post in the 32nd minute. The Sharks continued to dominate the play. The score was 1-0 at the half. Early in the second half, Jon Fields found a wide open Ben Miller who put it into the yawning cage making it a 1-1 score. The game looked like it was going to end in a draw until the 87th minute when Cory Sorley found himself one on one with the keeper. He made no mistake at all, and it was a 2-1 game. The home fans went insane! The Sharks had won the game, and all but clinched a spot in the knockout rounds.

Quakmybush - 2 Miller 56' Sorley 87'

Ariddia - 1 Komu 8'

Speaking of which here is the qualifying scenarios. A win or a draw will clinch a spot in the knockout rounds. While a loss would require a Oliverrian loss or tie. If Oliverry wins, they can not make up more than 2 goal differencial.

Demot Daily ~ Finding Your Hope

With the upcoming match against the "Fire Ants" of Northern Bettia, the Dynamo find themselves in a favorable position, on the brink of clinching a spot into the final sixteen. Granted it would take a draw between the gnomes of Az-cz and the ignoramous of Milchama to officialy seal the deal. While that scenario is unlikely, it is refreshing to be optimistic when soo many other squads are crumbling under the immence pressure their federations put on them in this stage of the competition. However, the Demot FA is merely allowing Dogood to continue on his normal processes, not putting any extra pressure on this squad to overperform, and merely asking for a good showing by the squad.

The relaxed atmosphere may very well be what provided the squad with that energetic boost that lead them an encouaging victory in the opening match. With the emerging philosophic side of Masteron taking ahold of thier valiant captain, this squad is quite dangerous and a wild card. Any time they hit the pitch, they could easily trample their oppenets, just as easily as they could fall in a close match or blowout. They have no track record of domination or struggling for that matter, and predicting their responce to a situation is nigh impossible. Lest it be said that if the squad is to continue it's unprecedented success, and have glory bestowed upon it, that Masteron must continue to prove his worth as a skilled footballer, and a sharpened mind that can elevate the play of his teammates as an expierenced leader.

Article by Jasmine Olyvander

rp cutoff

Wow what an awful World Cup

Yeh definitely

You do realize now that Az-Cz and Quakmybush have declared war on Milchama?

Yep

You ready to bomb the final's stadium?

Yep

Excellent, let's go

Misread Schedule Does No Harm

Squornshelous has certainly suffered no ill effects from misinterpretting the groups stage schedule presented by our hosts. The Pschychoes have cruised through their first two group stage matches against Spruitland and Tynelia, winning 3-1 and 4-1. Now, sitting on top of Group G with 6 points, the Pschychoes are a hair away from the second round. The only way that the Pschychoes could fail to advance would be if Krytenia and Tynelia both win big in their final matches. Tynelia would have to make up 7 in goal differential, and Krytenia would have to make up 5. Now, what appeared to a be a huge match between the worlds 1st and 4th ranked teams is somewhat diminished. Krytenia need this win badly to secure their advancement, while Squornshelous just need to keep the score relatively close. However, the Pschychoes and Aces have quite a rivalry between them, going back over 50 years, including wins losses and draws for each side, as well as a Squornshelan star striker, Franz Persson, who left Squornshelous to play his club football in Krytenia, a descision that certainly wasn't popular back home. Squornshelous certainly doesn't want to drop a match to such a hated rival, and Co-Managers Aalto and Benelli have assured the press that the Squornshelous will send out the starters for this match.
"We feel that it's important to keep up the momentum we've built up these past two matches into the grou stage," said Aalto at a press conference.

Looks like it's shaping up to be one hell of a match.

<The words THE FOOTBALL LIFE ONE-ON-ONE appears on the screen>

Dazza: I'm Dazza Dallas, Jeruselem's favourite strumpet! This is THE FOOTBALL LIFE, ONE-ON-ONE edition. Today's special guest is morals crusader Peggy Sue Mabelle Bella Crumpet. She hates football, but all on this we talk to football lovers and haters. We prefer the football fans still.
Peggy: Yes, football is immoral. It distracts people from God's word. Instead of being at church or doing God's work, they are watching football or playing football.
Dazza: Now, how can you say that when going to work takes time away from God's work?
Peggy: You work for the church! It's that simple. Work for the church and go to Church in Sunday. It's so simple!

Dazza: Yeah, but how can you say that to the Jews, Moslems and Orthodox people out there.
Peggy: They follow the wrong religion but football is worse. It corrupts all faiths.
Dazza: So why do we have many good Christian teams playing the world cup when football is so corrupting. He have a team of monks doing well for God, isn't that what he wants? We even have orthodox teams, Islamic teams, Catholic teams, Protestant teams, and of course Jeruselem's mixed faith team.
Peggy: No, because they aren't REAL Protestants or Christians or the REAL faithful. They are doing for their nation as a matter of sporting achievement, not for God himself. They are doing it for national pride, not God.

Dazza: So, football is banned for your church?
Peggy: Yes, you can't watch it, play it or talk about it. And YOU are even more corrupting.
Dazza: Why is that?
Peggy: What sort of role model are you? Sleeping around, naked on the Internet and TV, flirting with male guests, wearing those skimpy costumes, talking about sex, advertising immoral things and now that porn you have hidden away. You are going to HELL.

Dazza: Really? You say so, but it that what God really wants because you say so.
Peggy: Yes, it is.
Dazza: I maybe very sinful, but I think God wants me to here for that reason.
Peggy: Still you are going to hell.

Dazza: So everyone who likes football is going to hell too?
Peggy: Yes, they are.
Dazza: You do realise, when you say that - you are going cop so much abuse from people from other nations too.
Peggy: I know what God really thinks.

Dazza: So even the Mad Monks in football are sinners?
Peggy: Yes, they have been lead astray totally. There's time to save yourselves people - give up football.
Dazza: You have told your people to burn any Dazza stuff. Is it working?
Peggy: Yes it has - and my flock are clean from your SIN.

Dazza: Apparently, what you just said has been contracted. The younger members of your church almost revolved when the Dazza ban came into effect. In fact, this ban had been well dropped to stop young people from leaving.
Peggy: That's all lies.
Dazza: Your 2nd in charge says the ban has been cancelled.
Peggy: What? You're lying!

Dazza: Here's one of church documents! Read! (hands over a document)
Peggy: Oh my God!
Dazza: So, what do say now?
Peggy: I have words to my people! They need to be straighted up. I was not told about this.

Dazza: And I have another question. Did you marry your brother?
Peggy: NO, that's a lie too.
Dazza: So who did you marry?
Peggy: It's not public business.

Dazza: Hey, look everyone knows what Dazza's sex life is about - I don't try hiding that. But who did you marry.
Peggy: As I say, it's not public business.

Dazza: Well, it's on your web site anyway. You married your uncle.
Peggy: That's on my web site?
Dazza: Yeah! That's why I'm asking.
Peggy: I'm sacking my web master for that!

Dazza: Apparently, he's already left the church and left a video on the web site too. It's been like that for a week.
Peggy: Oh no! I should have given him that pay rise after all.
Dazza: What? Does it involves snakes or something.
Peggy: Not quite, I have to go!

Dazza: So, that's it from THE FOOTBALL LIFE, ONE-ON-ONE. See you all later, or me in some funny video with snakes if you live in Az-cz. So if you want more Dazza stuff, buy my merchandise if you love Dazza. And don't try what Dazza does - I'm an expert at what I do. If people missed the scores! Bettia beat Turori TWO ONE in Group D to head the group and play Yafor 2 next. Yafor 2 upset the Rejistania ONE NIL. Defending chanps Ariddia are out after losing to the hosts QuakMyBush won ONE NIL, but Bazalonia have made the knockout stage first with two wins. In Group F, Jeruselem make the knockouts with easy TWO NIL over Sel Appa and Cafundeu recovered from it's loss to Jeruselem beating Assegai Developments THREE TWO. Oh yes, Jeruselem are through but not Ariddia. The rest of Group can finish in top 2 but depends what Cafundeu does. Oh yes, Starblaydia are out too!

(looks down)

Dazza: What are you doing there kiddie?
Kid: Dad wants an autograph
Dazza: Sure (signs)
Kid: Thanks, he thinks you're cute.

Dazza: Don't worry! So does everyone else
Kid: Dad wants that to be a secret.
Dazza: But we are on TV now.
Kid: That's OK, Mum is deaf ... hey, I want a Mum like you!

Dazza: Why is that?
Kid: You smell nice.

QSPNFootball.Net

Qualifing Senarios


We have decided, that due to the fact we have nothing else to do at this moment, to run some qualifing senarios for each team, and here they are:

GROUP A:

BAZALONIA: Already clinched berth into Round of 16. With a win or draw vs. Quakmybush, they clinch Group. A loss will Clinch the group for Quakmybush.
QUAKMYBUSH: Needs at least a draw vs. Bazalonia to advance. With a win, they win the group. A loss to Bazalonia, coupled with an Oliverry win over Ariddia by 2 goals will eliminate them.
OLIVERRY: Needs a win by at least 2 goals over Ariddia, coupled with a Quakmybush loss, will see them through to the 2nd round.
ARIDDIA: Eliminated.

GROUP B: (other than Qazox, as we have already mentioned their possibilites)


GEISENFRIED: A win over Qazox will see them into the next round. A win, coupled with a TLC loss or Draw will win them the group. A draw with Qazox, coupled with a TLC-Wentland draw, in which Geisenfried scores more goals than TLC will also see them through to the next round. A loss or a draw in which TLC scores more goals will eliminate them.
TLC: A win and a Geisenfried loss advances them into next round. A draw, coupled with a Geisenfried loss will advacne them as well. A 2 or more goal win, or a 1 goal win in which TLC scores more goals than Qazox does, plus a Qazox-Giesenfried draw will win them the group. A loss or a draw in which they score less goals than Giesenfried, coupled with a Qazox-Giesenfried draw will eliminate them.
WENTLAND: Only possiblity of advancement is a win over TLC coupled with a Qazox win or draw against Giesenfried, all other senarios eliminates them.

GROUP C:

ALASDAIR I FROSTICUS: A win over Commerce Heights will win them the group as will a Draw coupled with either a ESF-Casari draw or an Casari win by 1 goal. A draw will advance them. A loss by only one goal coupled with either a winner in the ESF-Casari match or a draw in the same match will advance them as well. A loss by 2 or more goals to Commerce Heights, coupled with a winner in the ESF-Casari match will eliminate them.

ELVES SECURITY FORCES: A win or a draw with Casari will see them into next round provided AIF wins or draws. A draw, with a CH win by 3 or more goals will see ESF advance as well. A loss eliminates them, as will a CH win by one goal, provided CH scores at least 2 more goals than ESF does.

CASARI: A win advances them to next round. A draw or loss eliminates them.

COMMERCE HEIGHTS: A win by 2 or more goals over AIF sends them into next round, everything else eliminates them.


GROUP D:

BETTIA: A win or draw vs. Yafor 2 advances them to next round, with the win giving them the group. A 1 goal loss to Yafor 2, coupled with a Rejistania win over Turori by 1 goal, provided Rejistania scores 1 or more goals fewer than Bettia does, will advance them as well. A loss coupled with a Turori win or draw will eliminate them.

TURORI: A win or a draw provided Bettia and Yafor 2 draw will advance them to the next round. A loss or a draw witha Yafor 2 win will eliminate them.

YAFOR 2: A win will see them into the next round. All other senarios eliminate them.

REJISTANIA: A win will see them into the next round. All other senarios eliminate them.


GROUP E:

DEMOT: A win or draw vs Az-Cz or a Milchama win over Northern Bettia will see them into the next round. A loss, coupled with a Milchama-Northern Bettia draw will advance them into the next round as well. A loss by 3 or more goals and a Northern Bettia win by 2 or more goals will eliminate them.

NORTHERN BETTIA: A win or a draw vs. Milchama will see them advance to the next round, provided the Az-Cz-Demot match has a winner. A loss by exactly one goal to Milchama and a Demot win over Az-cz will advance them as well. A loss or a draw coupled with an Az-Cz win or draw eliminates them.

AZ-CZ: A win advances them, provided Northern Bettia loses or draws with Milchama as does a draw plus a Northern Bettia loss. A loss or a draw coupled with a Northern Bettia draw eliminates them.

MILCHAMA: A win by two or more goals over Northern Bettia, plus a Demot win over Az-Cz will see them into the next round. Everthing else eliminates them.


GROUP F:

JERUSELEM: Has clinched spot in 2nd round. A win or draw wins them the group.

CAFUNDEU: A win, a draw coupled with a Sel Appa-Jeruselem draw or a draw coupled with a Sel Appa win by exactly one goal, will see them into the Round of 16. A loss or a draw coupled by a Sel Appa win by 2 or more goals eliminates them.

ASSEGAI DEVELOPMENTS: Only a win over Cafundeu will see advancement, everything else eliminates them.

SEL APPA: A win by 2 or more goals plus a Cafundeu-Assegai Devlopments draw or an Assegai win by 2 fewer goals than Sel Appa wins by will see them into the next round. Everything else eliminates them.


GROUP G:

SQUORNSHELOUS: A win or draw vs. Krytenia advances them, as does a loss provided Tynelia wins by less than 6 goals more than what Squornshelous scores (i.e: a 0-1 loss and a 5-0 Tynelia win will still see them though.)

KRYTENIA: A win or a Tynelia loss by 1 goal to Spruitland will see them through as does a draw and a Tynelia draw. A loss plus a Tynelia win or a Spruitland win by more than 2 goals will eliminate them.

TYNELIA: A win coupled with a Krytenia draw or loss will see them through. A win by 3 goals more than what Krytenia wins by will see them through as well as winning and scoring more than 6 goals than Sqournshelous does in a loss (i.e: a 6-0 Tynelia win and a 1-0 Krytenia win will see Tynelia through)

SPRUITLAND: A win by more than two goals over Tynelia, coupled with a Krytenia loss by one goal will see them advance, everything else eliminates them.


GROUP H:

SCHIAVONIA: Clinched spot into next round. A win or draw vs. Errinundera will win them the group.

ERRINUNDERA: A win or a draw plus a Archregimancy loss/draw will advance them into next round, as will a loss and an Archregimancy draw. A loss and an Archregimancy win by two more goals than Errinundera loses by (i.e.: Arch wins 3-0, and Err loses 0-1) will eliminate them.

THE ARCHREGIMANCY: A win by two more goals than Errinundera loses by (i.e.: Arch wins 3-0, and Err loses 0-1) will see advancement. Everyother senario eliminates them.

STARBLAYDIA: Eliminated.


There may be in a few cases other ways to advance, but the circumstances required to do so are so remote that they are not listed.

The Chairman was well pleased. An Ocelot GT turbo! The Shade had only got an Aviva and even His Grace had to put up with a Dalton Estate. They were looking after him splendidly.

And at the match itself the dishes of both teams. Whereas the Chairman had never understood the fascination for masaler but Geisenfried penguin! This was manna from heaven itself!

Plus a most ecellent claret of fine vintage. The Oliverry vineyards were at their peak eight years ago and the Chateau Martel had nicely matured into a cheeky slipper with a perky gooseberry and petrol aroma. Just the thing to go with the poulet d'or a la mersenne with aubergine rosti and prinkipo caviar.

The pudding was a delight. What could be finer than torte avec peche and schlagobers anointed with a Port Cordille brandy. Sweet. The Shade almost disgraced himself over the creme infernale but that did not matter. Good food, enjoyable conversation with the Geisenfrieders...what could be better?

The Chairman finally staggered out of the executive box to behold the game. He was astonished to see the players coming off. "Half time already?". He saw it was 1-1 and the Shade pointed out that the scoreboard indicated 48 minutes of injury time.

It was only twenty minutes later when the stadium emptied and did not refill that they realized the game was actually over.

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Magic Un-Done by Sunglasses

All was well for the Turori Eels riding the back of a massive winning streak since the appointment of Riailia Village based head coach Riailia Magic. With impressive wins over Ropa-Topia, Squornshelous and most recently Yafor 2, the Eels headed into their match against Rivals Bettia knowing that just one more victory would secure their place in the round of 16.

The match started out in typical Turorian flavor with a strange tempo but brilliant team display eminent since the Magical appointment in the latter stages of the qualification campaign. Turori managed to open the scoring on the half hour mark after a fantastic 1-2-1-3-1-4-1 combo play saw Azzi unmarked half a hard from goal where he could have tapped the ball in even if he were a snake with no distinguishable lims or cranial structure.

Threats of rain had resulted in the decision to leave the stadiums roof closed for the start of the match, however, as the weather improved, organizers made the decision to open the roof at half time to provide some light for the fans and players alike. This, however, would prove to be the decision that would end the impressive Turorian winning streak.

Almost in unison, as the sun began to shine through the widening roof, the Bettian supporters donned a strange material over their eyes. They were of course, Sun Glasses, but there was nothing normal about these glasses. The Colour-Filter technology on the Bettian Azurlens sunglasses served to rid the fans of their hated red light, including that on the fine looking Turorian kits. However, in an unplanned irony, the coating on the new line of glasses also served to reflect the light rays of the sun. Unluckily for the Turori players, they were attacking the Bettian end of the ground in the second half, and every time they had a look at goal, it seemed as if they were staring into a glowing blue ball of light with a brightness similar to that of the sun itself.

The Eels recorded a record number of mis-hits and shots-turned-throw ins during the second half, doing the dubious latter a remarkable 19 times over 45 minutes, all to the benefit of the Bettians of course. Capitalizing on the retinal insanity experienced by the Turorian players, Bettia managed to claw back and record the late winner to secure all 3 points and move them top of the group.

Turori Eels 1 - 2 Bettia Gasheads

Now the Eels face one final rival, Rejistania. It was the Orange-Blues who stole perhaps the biggest match in the history of the World Cup when they knocked out Turori with the lone goal in a quarter final match in World Cup 20 that would have set up a Vilita-Turori Semi-Final. Such a mouth watering prize is not on the cards this time around, however Turori will need to record the victory if they hope to return to the second round of the World Cup Finals for the first time in the current era.



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The Enlightener: today's centre-page pullout - 10 things you didn't know about Mottled Aroras
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Aroras' Red Hoodoo Is Finally Broken

Bettia...............2 (Scott 82, P.Busilanta 87)
Turori...............1 (Azza 30)

Some might say this was the day justice was served.

Some might say this was the day Bettia finally learnt to deal with their Erythrophobia (fear of the colour red).

Some might even say this was the day that evil was vanquished and the forces of good prevailed.

One thing's for sure - the Aroras secured their first ever victory over their AO rivals Turori to stretch their unbeaten run to seventeen matches, and more importantly climb to the top of their group, although Yafor 2's victory over Rejistania means that nothing will be decided in this group until the final day.

The Fort Erie stadium had recently been a happy hunting ground for Bettia's 'other' team and the Aroras, looking resplendant in their blue and white quarters, strode out onto the same pitch knowing that nothing less than a victory would do. Turori, who wore their traditional red shirts, were riding high after their crushing win on matchday one.

And so the stage was set for this eagerly-awaited matchup.

The first half was thoroughly dominated by Turori. The first chance fell to the Eels after three minutes, with Cocoabo #29 diving forward and heading narrowly wide before smacking its head on the goalpost and knocking itself unconscious. The unfortunate creature was swiftly replaced with another, #21, and the game continued.

The Eels continued to dazzle with some remarkably intricate plays that dazzled their fans and opponents alike, the only surprise being that it took them a half-hour to make the breakthrough they deserved. A typically deft passing play ended with Azza popping up unmarked in front of goal, where it would have been harder to miss than to score.

The tide turned in the most amazing fashion in the second half. After some confused and contradictory weather reports, the stadium roof was first closed then opened again to bathe the ground in glorius sunshine. That was the cue for Bettia's secret weapon to come into play - the patented Azurlens™ made their long-awaited appearance. The effect was dramatic - whereas before it was the Bettians who were distracted by the awful colours in front of them, it was now the Turorians who faced the same dilemma as they were surrounded by a sea of blue.

The result was that, although they continued to pour forward and dominate both possession and territorial advantage, the Eels simply found it impossible to shoot straight, such was the effect of shooting towards the goal behind which an entire terrace was populated by thousands of glinting blue sunglasses. This inability to shoot prompted the Bettian faithful to come up with a series of impromptu insulting chants such as "Score in a brothel! You couldn't score in a brothel! Score in a brooooo-thel! You couldn't score in a brooo-thel!"

Bettia's fightback came late on. Their first shot on target was, rather fortunately, a rather priceless one. Eri Kurniawan's run from the wing was crudely cut short by Ren Fei, earning the defender a yellow card and the Aroras a free-kick in a dangerous position. As the Turorians scrambled to form a defensive wall, set-piece maestro Barry Scott asked the referee's permission to take the kick quickly. The nod was given, and the ball curled its way into the bottom corner before the Cocoabo goalkeeper was able to react.

Despite the vehement protests to the match officials by the players in red, the goal stood. Incensed by this perceived injustice, Turori proceeded to take control of the remainder of the first half, forcing a number of saves from Mitchell Ellis in the Bettian goal, but it wasn't until injury time that they got the goal their efforts deserved, thanks to a powerful header from a corner-kick courtesy of centre-back Juricao Nutaha.

As the dying minutes of the second half progressed, Turori continued to enjoy a slight upper hand in terms of possession and territorial advantage, but they failed to convert their possession into goalscoring opportunities, and they punished for their sheer wastefulness against the run of play. After easily dealing with a cross from the wing, Ellis launched a quick coutner-attack by finding Peri Busilanta in the centre-cricle with his throw. The Perumnasih striker easily rode two tackles and made a fast break for the goal. As the goalkeeper rushed out to meet him, Busilanta deftly lobbed the ball over him and watched on in satisfaction as the ball dribbled ovr the line, just beyond the despairing last-ditch slide from Miikauau.

That left just a few minutes for the Eels to get back into the game, but try as they might they found themselves stifled by Bettia's five-man midfield, and increasingly resorted to long balls over the top which were easily dealt with the defence. The Aroras also had one or two half-chances late on in injury time to finally make the game safe, taking advantage of the gaps left in their opponents' back line, but in the end, the scoreline remained as it was, two-one to Bettia.

This win leaves Bettia with their fate in their own hands. A win or draw in their last game against Yafor 2 will be enough to see them through to the knockout stages, with a win guaranteeing them top spot. A draw could also see them finish top, but only if Rejistania won their last game. However, if the Aroras suffer a defeat, they'll have to rely on the Rejistania beating Turori by a single goal to stand any chance of going through on goal difference, depending on the margin of the scorelines.

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Barry Scott wheels away after scoring Bettia's first
(OOC: okay, so it's actually Ricky Lambert scoring Rovers' goal against the evil of Bristol City - I just couldn't resist it:) )


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT

Group D

01: Rejistania..............Quak....D 2-2
02: Turori..................Quak....W 2-1
03: Yafor 2.................Quak

Friendly

FR: Az-Cz...................Away....W 4-2

Qualifying Group 1

01: Lovisa..................Away....W 4-2
02: Bostopia................HOME....L 0-1
03: Marceau State...........HOME....W 4-2
04: Jeruselem...............Away....L 2-6
05: Northern Caesarea.......HOME....W 4-1
06: New Propagandia.........Away....W 2-0
07: Elves Security Forces...Away....W 3-0
08: Collonie................HOME....W 3-1
09: Kelssek.................Away....W 4-3
10: Jeruselem...............HOME....D 3-3
11: Bostopia................Away....W 5-0
12: Kelssek.................HOME....W 5-1
13: Marceau State...........Away....W 3-1
14: New Propagandia.........HOME....W 3-0
15: Collonie................Away....W 5-3
16: Lovisa..................HOME....W 1-0
17: Northern Caesarea.......Away....W 3-0
18: Elves Security Forces...HOME....W 4-1

“Hello everyone, welcome to WSOC’s special World Cup update program. I’m Phil and with me is Milt. Hello Milt.”

“Hey Phil, good to be here again for a listeners even though lightening didn’t strike twice today.”

“Unfortunately no Milt, today Tynelia tried to make it two in a row against a top five team in the world. Unfortunately Squornshelous had other ideas and in a 4-1 thrashing of our team forced Tynelia to give up twice as many goals in one match as they had at any point in group play.”

“It was pretty much all Squornshelous from the get go, up 2-0 at the half and 3-0 before Connor MacDougal managed to avoid the shutout before adding the final tally when Coach Masterson pulled the starters in the last five minutes.”
“Now we have to root for these guys.”

“Yup that turns out to be the case as Squornshelous plays Krytenia who, by defeating Spruitland 2-1 have now moved into second place by a 2 goal differential margin. Tynelia’s destiny is no longer in its own hands when it faces Spruitland who also have its own slim advancement chances on the line here as well.”

“So we have to win and hope Krytenia doesn’t it what it really boils down to Milt.”

“Not quite that bad. If we beat Spiruitland by three goals more than Krytenia wins by we can jump past them on goal differential. But scoring lots of goals isn’t a Tynelian trademark.”

“But in a way I have to say it’s almost good this match happened.”

“Are you crazy Phil? Why would you say that? We went from clinching a spot to fighting for our lives!”

“That much is true Milt but think about it. Tynelia hadn’t lost a match since MD4 of group play so they were due to lose one. Better to have it happen now with another match to go than get bumped in the first round of the knockouts.”

“But they have to get there first Phil.”

“Well actually the way this Cup is turning out the odds seem to be in our favor here.”

“Why is that Phil?”

“Look at the way things are going, take the top twelve in the world. Bedistan didn’t enter, Liverpool England and NMS didn’t even make it. Starblaydia and Arridia are already eliminated, Milchama is pointless, Oliverry and Rejistania only have 1 point in two matches and if the cup ended now, only three of the top twelve teams in the world would even qualify- naturally two of them are in our group. So the way things are working out Krytenia will lose and leave us or Spruitland sneaking through in their place.”

“Its like a Bizzaro World Cup Phil, I didn’t look at things that way.”

“And for what its worth we’re playing the, on paper, weakest team in our group who needed to get in via a playoff while Tynelia has been much more solid to this point, today’s game notwithstanding so I like out chances to come out on top here. Knowing Coach Masterson he’s going to really be pushing to score as much as possible because I don’t think he trusts Squornshelous to take out Krytenia for him- the legacy of many past failed matchday scenarios working there.”

“OK Phil by using your own argument for a minute, Squornshelous seems to be playing better than Krytenia right now and had a tougher path in group play to get here than Krytenia who coasted home in a weak group. So wouldn’t that mean you expect Squornshelous to pull off the win here as well?”

“Well Milt, normally I’d say yes, but these two squads have had a rivalry going back before we entered international play so you can just toss records out the window when they face each other. Once more Krytenia needs to beat Squornshelous to advance and things worked out pretty good for them the first time that situation came up.”

“So care to make any picks Phil?”

“You know I’m horrible at this Milt but sure, its not like anyone’s going rush off to a bookie and make any bets on what I say here. Looking at our match I think this loss will be a wakeup call for Tynelia and the team should bounce back with a strong effort against Spruitland. I think we’ll come out on top 2-0 and then hold our breath waiting for the Krytenia match to end. Over there, in what should be at least a semi-finals matchup in the knockouts in fact practically becomes one in group play with both teams need points to ensure their advancement. Krytenia hasn’t scored that much against the two supposed punching bags of the group while Squornshelous treated them like a top five team is expected to. So with that in mind I say 3-1 Squornshelous which lets us sneak in the back door as the second qualifier.”

“Alright, those are the picks I like to hear Phil.”

“Maybe I’ll actually be right this time.”

“Time will tell Phil. Time will tell.”

The Schiavone Scribe
Blind Luck
Schiavonia 4-0 Starblaydia

After a friendly agreement between the teams of Group H that all teams would play blindfolded during group play, Schiavonia's guiding from behind the goal tactic that worked so well against the Archregimancy tore Starblaydia to shreds last night.

Four-nil! OK, so Starblaydia have been pretty appaling this cup, and they couldn't see what was going on, but the scores don't lie. Schiavonia are probably the best blind team in the world right now.

Today's tactic involved having Colin Chester standing around in the penalty area a lot. Then, using his natural finishing ability (he wasn't stumbling about randomly, honest!), he managed to score three times! A first ever hat-trick for a Schiavone player at the World Cup Finals, not even his manager Tony Tarmey managed that. And he'll have scored more than his manager ever did with another four in the rest of the tournament.

Schiavonia's other goal came from a free kick, scored by Will Caine. Now, you might think that sounds a bit odd, but it was definately down to luck. The free kick was midway inside the Sloths half, and he just hoofed it to the other end. Nobody else noticed, and it trickled across the line.

Schiavonia will be playing Errinundera in their final group game, with the Sloths opponents looking for at least a draw to go through, while Schiavonia can afford to lose by two and still go through as group winners.

"We've got a new tactic for the game against the potoroos," said Tony Tarmey. "We're going to play the ultimate karelan game, and just stand ten players on the goal line. I'd like to see them break that down. Especially blindfolded!"

Meanwhile, the party for Schiavonia's advancement to the second stage early really got into motion across the Forty-Six Islands lest night. It was an especially sweet victory, as the final group game is usually the biggest game in Schiavonia's cup. Not this time!

Final Score
Schiavonia 4 (Chester 1, 55, 67, Caine 32)
Starblaydia 0

News items from the First Creek Falls (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/First_Creek_Falls) Age.

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HAS BLIND FAITH TRIUMPHED AGAIN?

Errinundera’s Genderqueer Liberation Movement has found itself stymied once again by the crafty monks from the Archregimancy. Convenor of the movement, uprightoo, has conceded that the planned mass protests to be held during the match between the Mancies and the potoroos won’t make one iota of a difference. “We were going to dance naked in the stands to demonstrate our disgust at their prurient attitudes. Then those cunning monks announce they will play all their matches blindfolded. But that’s not all – the other teams in the group agreed to do the same. They shouldn’t be encouraging this mob. There’s no point in us coming here any more.” For the second time in as many World Cups uprightoo has set up a travel company for genderqueers who want to travel to protest at the match against the Archregimancy. As happened last time his company has been declared insolvent.

President of the Errinundera Football Association, ermainegree, admitted that the blindfold ploy would also circumvent a planned protest by the potoroos’ female supporters. “We were going to do our naked best to distract the monks. The aim was to protest against their anti-women attitudes. The Mount Ellery Erotic Dance Company had booked out an entire section of the southern stand. It would have been quite a show. To highlight the ability of women in football, we have selected an all-female side with the exception of the angelic genderqueer rosanial who, in any case as everybody knows now, is genetically female.”

FOUNDER OF FOOTBALL IN ERRINUNDERA FÊTED

In a press conference prior to the match against the Archregimancy the president of the Errinundera Football Association, ermainegree, announced that the legendary filthyl would by inducted into the World Cup Hall of Fame. “With Errinundera qualifying for its eighth World Cup we have become entitled to another inductee.”

ermainegree said that consideration had been given to the World Cup 7 winning captain moschatuma, as well as the angelic, genderqueer rosaniel and to withare, coach of the previous 3 World Cup campaigns. “It was a tough call but we concluded that, without filthyl, there wouldn’t be any other inductees."

filthyl single-handedly introduced football to Errinundera way back in the first years of the World Cup. Within four years the potoroos played in World Cup 5 and, with filthyl as captain and coach, became one of the few nations ever to qualify at their first attempt. Somehow he managed to combine a brilliant political career with his national team commitments. After that first World Cup series he retired to marry potoroo striker, gabriellen, with whom he’d been having a torrid affair, and to further his political ambitions. He was never the same after gabriellen disappeared at sea during a scientific expedition and died at 38 after falling from a tree while intoxicated.

BLIND DATE AT THE WORLD CUP

There really isn’t much to report about the latest blindfolded farce in the first round of World Cup 33. Errinundera drew 2-all with the Archregimancy. We don’t know who the scorers were or when the goals were kicked. The only notable aspect of the game was that the angelic genderqueer captain / coach received a king hit and was knocked unconscious. Surely none of the monks could be capable of such a dastardly act? Conspiracy theorists claim that the villain was the referee. That none of the officiating staff say they saw the transgression gives credence to the theory.

In the final match of the first round Errinundera plays the top seed of the group, Schiavonia, while the team that may displace them, the Archregimancy, play bottom side, Starblaydia. President of the Errinundera Football Association, ermainegree, agrees that the potoroos’ chances are quite good. “The combined score of the Archregimancy and Schiavonia must exceed the combined score of Errinundera and Starblaydia by more than 4 goals for the Archregimancy to progress. If it is exactly 4 goals I think that Errinundera will progress if it scores the same number of goals as the Achregimancy or greater. If the difference is exactly 4 goals and Errinundera scores 2 fewer goals or worse than the Archregimancy the monks progress. If Errinundera score 1 fewer goals I haven’t got a clue who progresses. I hope the hosts know.”

The Anyuna Observer: I do not believe you wanted to do that!
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Dirty Play Pays No Dividends

Northern Bettia..........3 (Devanallt 40, Hiyashibara 50 64)
Demot..........................4 (Black 1 34 79pen, Ysman 75)

After playing fair in their opening game against Az-Cz sparked mass riots in the terraces of the Temple of Yak, Northern Bettia came to the Ben Degly Arena to face Demot and promptly got back to their bad old ways... it almost worked for a whole minute.

We say that because that's how long Demot took to open the scoring - 52 seconds to be exact. After taking the kickoff, Demot's centre-midfielder David Masteron passed to Christi Sans on the wing. A hefty challenge from Jon Sakasayou saw her flat on her back (much to the delight of the Fire Ants faithful, who encouraged her with cries of 'Get your tits out for the lads!'), leaving Demot with a free kick in a good position, which Sans took quickly to find Samantha Black with space in the penalty area to turn and shoot before the defence could react.

An obviously shell-shocked Northern Bettia struggled to get into the game for a while, and the next ten minutes was virtually one-way traffic which saw a number of shots rain in on Ozeki's goal. It wasn't until the thirteenth minute that Northern Bettia finally managed to venture out of their own half, although they still couldn't muster a shot on goal.

Demot doubled their lead just after the half-hour, thanks to a wickedly inswinging corner that was met by Black's head, a loud cheer from the thousands of Demot fans who had made the short journey over to the Dashed Utopia, and an even louder chorus of boos from disgruntled sections of the Northern Bettia supporters.

The players responded to this by showing a bit more steel, flying in with some meaty (but surprisingly legal) tackles, and it was one such tackle to handed the Ants a lifeline. After gathering the ball from a rather aimless Koizumi cross, Demot's kepeer Orien rolled the ball out to Gooden, who seemed to be caught slightly unawares. As he dithered, Gwrlais Devanallt stole the ball off his feet with an exquisate slide tackle and slammed the ball into the net before any opponents could get near him.

After grabbing that opportunity, Northern Bettia's tails were up and they maintained their momentum going into the second half, and just five minutes in, they gave their fans something to really shout about. After snuffing out an attack, Eric Idasenai hoofed the ball upfield, finding Rai Koizumi with space on the wing. A swift one-two with Marcus Megumi followed by an incisive diagonal ball to Devanallt in the area saw two defenders rush towards him in an effort to block him out. However, the wily captain and president slotted a square ball in between the defenders, finding Ola Hayashibara with an acre of space to pick his spot and score the equaliser.

Things went from bad to worse for Demot shortly afterwards as Sakasayou tussled with Mataios on the wing for possession when he suddenly went down clutching his ribs claiming he had been elbowed. In the melee that followed, a brawl broke out which saw the alleged perpetrator punched quite by accident by his own player. The unfortunate defender was carried off the pitch with blood streaming from his broken nose, accompanied to a series of jeers from the Northern Bettian fans.

From the resulting free-kick, Sakasayou found Devanallt, whose shot cannoned off the post and straight into Pamela Dwight's body. This prompted frenzied appeals for handball which the referee, seemingly intimidated by the fired-up Fire Ants players, responded to be awarding the penalty. When the Demot protests died down, up stepped Gwrlais Devanallt to take the spot-kick. Unfortunately for him, the goalkepper guessed right and was able to tip the ball onto the post. Unfortunately for him, the ricocheted straight to Hiyashibara, who was more than happy to toe-poke the rebound into the unguarded net.

So, three-two up, and the Fire Ants suddenly became flying ants (not literally). Their confidence was boosted, and they poured forward to try and increase their advantage. However, they were undone by a moment of madness from bad-boy Sakasayou, who once again fell under a challenge from an opposing defender in what everyone in Northern Bettia could see was a blatant foul. However, the referee didn't see it, and boked Sakasayou for diving, a move which incensed the winger who angrily confronted the match official. After refusing to move away, the Minini City winger was given a second yellow for dissent, earning him an early bath.

With a one-man advantage, Demot sought to make it tell and they soon exploited the extra space on the pitch. With quarter of an hour to go, Sarah Ysman curled a peach of a shot into the top corner from just outside the penalty area. Delighted with her strike, she promptly ran towards the Northern Bettian fans in wild celebration, earning herself a booking for 'jiggling her breasts up and down in a provocotive manner'.

This minor setback aside, the pendulum had most defintately swung Demot's way and they forced their way back into the lead four minutes later after Black was fouled in the area by subsitute Paul Hanahairo, his crude two-footed lunge earning the First Battalion lieutenant a straight red card. Black picked herself to take the kick, sending Ozeki the wrong way.

With a two-man advantage, Demot continued to press forward, but the Northern Bettian defence somehow remained firm. This defeat leave the Ants in second place three points behind Demot. A win against winless Milchama will see the Fire Ants through to the next round, although a draw will also see them through. Even a one-goal defeat could see them through providing Demot beat the hosts.

These are nervy times for the Fire Ants. They never thought they could make it this far - dare they dream of a second-round spot?



Fixtures / Results


MD..OPPONENT.............VENUE...RESULT

World Cup, First Round, Group E

01: Az-Cz................Yak.....W 2-0
02: Demot................BenD....L 3-4
03: Milchama.............Yak

Qualifying Playoff

PO: Ropa Topia...........HOME....W 5-2

Qualifying Group Two

01: Zwangzug.............HOME....W 2-1
02: Cafundéu.............Away....W 2-1
03: Ariddia..............Away....L 0-2
04: Fmjphoenix...........HOME....W 3-2
05: Houersteinzer........Away....D 1-1
06: The Archregimancy....HOME....L 1-3
07: Tanah Burung.........HOME....W 3-1
08: Dance 2 Revolution...Away....W 1-0
09: Algal States.........HOME....W 5-3
10: Fmjphoenix...........Away....W 4-1
11: The Archregimancy....Away....D 2-2
12: Ariddia..............HOME....L 0-3
13: Tanah Burung.........Away....W 3-1
14: Houersteinzer........HOME....W 5-1
15: Algal States.........Away....W 3-1
16: Zwangzug.............Away....D 1-1
17: Dance 2 Revolution...HOME....W 3-2
18: Cafundéu.............HOME....L 2-6