NationStates Jolt Archive

The mighty nomads of Gormith suffered their first loss in Group 8 play today, suffering a 1-0 defeat at the hands of Telewest.

Fortunately, Newcuba's upset of Total and Utter Insanity left the top of the Group 8 table substantially unchanged, although the top three positions on the ladder are now separated only by goal differential.

The Nomad Broadcasting Company (NBC) unofficial tables read:

GROUP 8 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Total n Utter Insanity 4 3 0 1 10 3 7 9 39
Gormith 4 3 0 1 5 2 3 9 39
Telewest 4 3 0 1 5 4 0 9 39
Cockbill Street 4 2 1 1 6 3 3 7 37
Europa Brittania 4 2 0 2 5 3 2 6 36
Newcuba 4 2 0 2 4 5 -1 6 36
Lubistan 4 0 1 3 2 7 -5 1 31
OPArsenal 4 0 0 4 2 12 -6 0 30

Reflecting on the defeat, team Captain Gorm II said "Well...we weren't going to go 14-0...we're still in the driver's seat here"

Part 4 Sub A – The Crusade of the Sheriff I, a Mini-RP

…And so he embarked on his own personal crusade, en route to find the infamous villain of modern times, the man whose cruel crimes would replay in minds and in words for decades to come, Henry Tuck. His hands plunged into the leather bound wheel with fury, anger, and confusion, for he himself had never left the confines of Crimpton County. But this new landscape seemed so awkward, unlike the moors of his beloved home. He saw a large, shimmering building ahead in the distance. It’s chalky white exterior seemed to be impregnated with dark blue glossy windows, mirroring whatever may face them. The building had sections on either side of the road, with a thin walkway connecting the two from above, which seemed to be the guide path for the portcullis-esque gate that was closed for the time being. When his green Volkwagen convertible bug pulled up, a man leaned out the window on his side. His cartoon-like wide eyes served as cameras to his exceptionally large head, in which caused him surprise that it didn’t weigh him down, but instead he stayed in the booth leaning out the window. When he began to speak, he did so in a tiresome voice that must have said the same ordeal millions of times.

“Good Evening, Sir. You are about to cross the OK Border, coming from the Holy Republic of Kingsford to the Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia. Before I allow you to cross, I must ask you a few questions concerning current issues brought to my attention by both governments.”

“Can I just go--“

“BEFORE I allow you to cross, I must ask you a few questions concerning current issues brought to my attention by both governments.”

Before he proceeded, he pulled from inside a booth, an evisceratomato. Its plump form was accented by it’s exterior color of reddish-orange, where inside, juices squabbled for space, and their delicious manner would soon be realized as he would soon sink his teeth into the widened sape, a dull yet shiny form. A sparse collection of thin, green leaves rested limp on the top of the ripe fruit, seeming to be a plug for the delicious insides. For a moment, he thought about plucking their whole fixture off, to see in those liquid residents of the widened chamber of deliciousness would leap out, escaping. But rather, he leaned closer, his teeth dully visible in the stretched surface—

“Hey, who’s writing this, Earnest Hemmingway?”

Shut up before I have you both killed. I can do that you know. You wanna mess with my power? Huh?

“Sorry. Go ahead and narr-eat your evisceratomatoe.”

“Yeah.. uh… Thanks…”

Stupid gits. Anyways, he took a bite of the evisceratomatoe.

“Now, Question number 1. Are you carrying any firearms, fireworks, firecrackers, fireplaces, fire-breathing dragons, newspapers lit on fire, flammable liquids, or any flamboyant men?”

“I have this licensed sidearm that I carry, because I’m the sheriff of Crimpton County.”

“Let me see it.”

He took the pistol, quickly examined it, and rapidly pointed it at his front right tire, pulling the trigger, and blowing it out.

“What did you do that for!?”

“Sir, please control your temper. You should know that form 12-0104A says that ‘it is illegal to transport firearms into Oglethorpia.’ Now, do you have any other instances of the previously mentioned items?”

“I carry this rifle just incase.”

“Sir, hand it over.”

He took the rifle from the sheriff, and looked it over before blowing out the rear right tire.

“WOO WHEE! This one’s got a kick to it, if I may say so myself.”

“Yeah, alright. Listen, can we hurry up with the questions? I’m… I’m trying to find someone.”

The man in the booth, seemingly unamused by this latest request, pointed the rifle right at the Sheriff’s face. The Sheriff jumped with fear, before the boothman burst out in laughter.

“Haha, I’m just kidding ya, buddy. Now, question 2. Do you know anything about one Henry Tuck, professional streaker from Graddesbire, Crimpton County, Kingsford?”

“Do I know him!? I know all about him. In fact, I know where he’s going to strike next: Consolidated Stadium, Polyesterhampton.”

“Right… Right…”

The boothman looked at him with an akward suspicion. He stepped back in the booth for a moment, talking on the phone with someone; however the sheriff could not hear what he was saying. When the boothman returned, he had a serious look on his face.

“Sir, it’d be best if you’d come with me.”

“What do y--“

“SIR! Just get out of the car, and come with me.”

The sheriff sighed, got out of his VW Convertible Bug, and the boothman opened the booth door, and they walked through, and through another door, down a brightly polished hallway, and into a room. The room just had two metal chairs, a suspended light, and a metal table. It suspiciously lacked any sort of décor, as well, being a dull grey on all six sides. As the boothman sat down, he held in his hand a piece of paper.

“Sir, do you know what this is?”

“No, humor me.”

“Sir, sarcasm is not taken lightly in matters of disobeying the law.”

“Disobeying the law!?”

“AHEM! In my hand is a decree of request from the Sheriff of Crimpton County. It reads as follows:

Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia, The United Provinces of Tanah Burung, The Empire of Eauz

It is my regret to inform you that one Henry Tuck, a known convict, is on the loose in the Holy Republic. The man is wanted for at least three acts of conspiracy of public nudity, two acts of distrust to the postmaster, and is wanted for questioning for at least one act of illegal gambling. Why I inform you of him, is because there is a great possibility that during these World Cup qualifiers, he may cross the border into one of your fine and cherished states. We will do all that we can to stop this, but still a great chance remains that he will exit Kingsford. If you are able to locate him, please take him captive and send him to the Sheriff’s Office of Crimpton County where he will be dealt with for all of his violations. I will take every effort to cease this matter of increasing aggravation. Please contact back.

- The Sheriff of Crimpton County


So, Mr. Tuck, we’ll keep you here until we can get hold of the Sheriff, and he’ll come and pick you up.”

The Sheriff couldn’t believe his ears. They thought he was the Tuck scum! Something had to be done.

“Mr. Boothman, there’s been a misunderstanding. You see--“

The boothman whipped out a taser gun.

“Mr. Tuck, This is one of the most painful non-deadly weapons known to man. It is more commonly known as a cattle prod, and it will send a high voltage electric current through your body, attacking your nervous system, and temporarily turning your brain to oatmeal. But it hurts even worse where I use it. You know how I use it? As a suppository. You’ll be screaming for that fancy rifle you had in it’s stead after I’m done with you. So I suggest that you just keep quiet, or I’ll taser rape you. Understand? HUH? YOU UNDERSTAND?”

At that moment, another Oglethorpian, with thick glasses, opened the door.

“Uh… Mr. Jenkins? Am I… interrupting anything?”

“You got off lucky this time, Tuck. Go ahead, Mr. Haplen.”

“I got hold of the Sheriff’s office in Crimpton county. The sheriff is out of town, but the Deputy was there, so he’s coming over here to detain our ‘guest.’”

At that last remark, they both snickered.

“Anyways, Mr. Jenkins, if you’ll pardon me, but The Really Great Reality Show is on, it’s the season finale, and I don’t want to miss it.”

“Go ahead, Mr. Haplen. I’ve got things under control.”

Mr. Jenkins smiled evily as Mr. Haplen left. He turned to the sheriff, still wearing that same deducing grin.

“Pull down your pants and bend over, Mr. Tuck. It’s time to have some ‘fun’.”

The Deputy of Crimpton County pulled up to the same Oglethorpian border building, but this time Mr. Haplen was at the gate.

“Good Evening, Sir. You are about to cross the OK Border, coming from the Holy Republic of Kingsford to the Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia. Before I allow you to cross, I must ask you a few questions concerning current issues brought to my attention by both governments.”

“Mr. Haplen? I’m the Deputy of Crimpton County… We spoke on the phone.”

“Ah yes, sorry for the spiel, it’s necessary, you understand…”

“You have Mr. Tuck, I assume?”

“Ah yes! Right this way.”

Mr. Haplen led The Deputy into the room, to find the Sheriff bent over the chair, hands tied behind his back and duct tape over his mouth, pants on the floor.

“Where’s Mr. Jenkins?”

“mmmph mhhm mmmpph”

“Oh, right… sorry.”

Mr. Haplen walked over to the Sheriff and ripped off the duct tape right off his mouth.

“OWW! That really hurt! Thank goodness you’re here, you can tell them I’m not Henry Tuck.”

“I don’t know what this man’s talking about.”

“What? WHAT?!”

“Sir, remember that time you shot me in the arm after I brought you your coffee because I didn’t introduce myself with the code of Crimpton county? That really hurt. I imagine that whatever fetish crimes have been committed here are your reward for shooting me. But yes, this man is not the professional streaker, Henry Tuck, but infact his main pursuer, the Sheriff of Crimpton County.”

“Oh, well, uh… sorry for the mixup…?”

“Why are your pants off?”

“Drive me to Consolidated Stadium. I’m having trouble sitting down.”

Mr. Haplen chuckled quietly, and The Sheriff shot him a glance.

“Why?”

“Oh, no reason. Just drive.”

And off they went, eastward bound, unaware that Henry Tuck had already made his move in Oglethorpia, and was on his way back to Kingsford, entering from the north.

BOVINE TIMES
EL TORO CLEANS UP
EL TORO
One day after the riot at "The Pasture," local football fans were still trying to make sense of the events that shook the Bovinian capital. A supporter from the local club Sporting El Toro said, "I thought I had seen fights when Sporting and Titans fans slug it out during matches, but this was a huge brawl. I had never seen that many people trying to get at one another, and that was before the police jumped into the fray."

Shop owners near the stadium continued to clean manure pats smeared on their windows and entrance ways. One upset shop owner said, "I've never seen so much manure in my life and I grew up in the country." At El Toro International Airport the scene was the same as workers tried to clean boarding areas. An airport spokesperson told us that, "The police just herded all of those Brazillicans in here and stuffed them into planes, you can see the mess that was left behind."

A nursing supervisor at El Toro General Hospital gave us the following update on the condition of Horace the mascot, "he has been upgraded from delirious to merely confused. His doctors expect to send him home in a day or two." Police have confirmed that Horace was struck in the head with a steak and knocked out cold. "It appears to have been a piece of prime rib," said police spokesperson Maj. Bullock. The major further explained that "Horace was lucky the steak was not frozen or it could have cost him his life."

The Minister for Sport, Entertainment and Propaganda issued the following statement, "We regret the incident that took place at yesterday's game, we regret that the action of a drunken fan led to such anarchy and destruction." The minister also seemed to agree with the decision of the WCC to suspend the game and award the win to Brazillico. The minister stated that, "It seems to me that playing the last 11 minutes of the match would not have made much difference in the final outcome, except to perhaps worsen our team's goal differential." The minister added that, "the ministry will ask the WCC to ban the Brazillico purple jersey because we feel it poses a danger to fans, officials, players, and mascots worldwide. Besides that color is just UGLY."

STEAKGATE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES TO WIDEN
EL TORO
It has now been named Steakgate.

This is the much publicized case of Oglethorpian defender Archy Ferdinand allegedly smuggling a prohibited foreign substance -a steak- into The Republic of BSE Free Bovines. As we reported last week, Mr. Ferdinand was briefly detained at the airport after being stopped by Customs Police when they noticed he was carrying a raw steak in his pocket. The steak was confiscated and taken to police headquarters for testing. The results came back today and Ministry of Agriculture announced that the steak is most definitely not native to our country and not certified BSE Free. This means that Archy Ferdinand could be in a world of trouble.

The Ministry of Agriculture spokesperson explains, "since the BSE scare four years ago, our country strickly forbids the importation of any live animals, meat, or meat products from foreign sources because of the danger that they could carry BSE. This regulation was explained in length to all countries involved in Group 11 WC XII qualifying. We have also posted signs and distributed literature to all cargo and passenger companies that travel to our country. We have done everything we can to safeguard our borders including posting large hungry dogs at all of our border crossings, airports, and seaports."

The Ministry of Justice and Show Trials has requested the assistance of the Oglethorpian authorities, specifically they have contacted the Food, Drug and Food Administrative Association & Federation (FD&FAA&F) and asked them to investigate whether there is any possibility that Mr. Ferdinand was unaware of the special rules regarding the transportation of meat into our country.

Asked how this case compares with yesterday's steak throwing incident at the Brazillico game, the spokesperson replied, "There is no comparison, yesterday's steak had the Ministry of Agriculture seal certifying it as BSE Free. It has been sent for testing as a precaution, but we are quite confident that it was bought locally by the Brazillico fan. The steak in Mr. Ferdinand's possession had no markings and since he had arrived in the country minutes before there is no way that he could have purchased it locally."

The Green Mile:
Episode 5: The Return of the Keegle, Part 2

Mr Woo: Here we are in St. James’ Park for our match against AlanShearer. With me once again is Mr Keggy Keegle. So, Mr Keegle, what do you think of the Zucchinis’ qualifying campaign so far?

Mr Keegle: We have spent three matches chasing a football.

Mr Woo: Well, that is true. Interestingly, you have spent some time here in St. James’ Park, haven’t you?

Mr Keegle: I came to St. James’ Park two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's totally different. But I'll never play here again, unless I play here again.

Mr Woo: The whistle blows and the match starts.

37 minutes later…

Mr Woo: Zurk penalised for a tackle on Shearer, and it’s a yellow card. It’s already the second yellow card the referee has produced today.

Mr Keegle: It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.

Mr Woo: And it’s Shearer over the kick, and Plaat lets a rather straightforward ball into his own net!

Mr Keegle: Young Plaat…he’s young. Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.

42 minutes into the game…

Mr Woo: Now Shearer penalised on a bad tackle on Shtaan. He gets a yellow card. Woog stands over the ball.

Mr Keegle: Woog always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

Mr Woo: The ball into the box and Yew heads it in. The Zucchinis have equalised.

Mr Keegle: They compare Yew to Urk and he's nothing like him, but I can see why…it's because he's a bit different.

48 minutes into the game…

Mr Woo: The whistle blows and the score here is 1-1.

Mr Keegle: You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw.

Mr Woo: How do you think the game is going to develop in the second half?

Mr Keegle: I know what is around the corner, I just don't know where the corner is. But the onus is on the Zucchinis to perform and they must control the bandwagon. It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot and another up the chimney.

Mr Woo: The referee blows to the start of the second half.

62 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Ppakkaddumm on the left flank, cuts in and the ball into the box…curls into the far post! That could have Kerrnigit with a shot like that!

Mr Keegle: Ppakkaddumm is totally different to Kerrnigit, and vice versa. But the tide is very much in our court now.

76 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Woog in possession with the ball.

Mr Keegle: Football's always easier when you've got the ball.

Mr Woo: He goes for the through pass…the keeper Shearer got there before Yew could, a wasted chance for the Zucchinis.

84 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Yew is in the box with the ball. He cuts in…and trips over his own feet. How embarrassing. But the ref has given the penalty!

Mr Keegle: Yew is not going to make a mistake on purpose.

Mr Woo: Yew is talking to the referee now, I think he’s clarifying the matter, and the ref has changed his mind, it’s an indirect free kick. Yew kicks the ball out for a goal kick.

Mr Keegle: He’s got a heart as big as his size, which isn’t big, but his heart’s bigger than that

91 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: The whistle blows and the Zucchini with a 2-1 win over AlanShearer. Do join us for our next match, the big one against Squornshelous in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium. Until then, goodbye.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities/Clubs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Curious George
The Complete Bushisms (http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=76886)
Alan Shearer
Newcastle United

STEAKGATE INVESTIGATION CONTINUES TO WIDEN
EL TORO
It has now been named Steakgate.

This is the much publicized case of Oglethorpian defender Archy Ferdinand allegedly smuggling a prohibited foreign substance -a steak- into The Republic of BSE Free Bovines. As we reported last week, Mr. Ferdinand was briefly detained at the airport after being stopped by Customs Police when they noticed he was carrying a raw steak in his pocket. The steak was confiscated and taken to police headquarters for testing. The results came back today and Ministry of Agriculture announced that the steak is most definitely not native to our country and not certified BSE Free. This means that Archy Ferdinand could be in a world of trouble.

The Ministry of Agriculture spokesperson explains, "since the BSE scare four years ago, our country strickly forbids the importation of any live animals, meat, or meat products from foreign sources because of the danger that they could carry BSE. This regulation was explained in length to all countries involved in Group 11 WC XII qualifying. We have also posted signs and distributed literature to all cargo and passenger companies that travel to our country. We have done everything we can to safeguard our borders including posting large hungry dogs at all of our border crossings, airports, and seaports."

The Ministry of Justice and Show Trials has requested the assistance of the Oglethorpian authorities, specifically they have contacted the Food, Drug and Food Administrative Association & Federation (FD&FAA&F) and asked them to investigate whether there is any possibility that Mr. Ferdinand was unaware of the special rules regarding the transportation of meat into our country.

Asked how this case compares with yesterday's steak throwing incident at the Brazillico game, the spokesperson replied, "There is no comparison, yesterday's steak had the Ministry of Agriculture seal certifying it as BSE Free. It has been sent for testing as a precaution, but we are quite confident that it was bought locally by the Brazillico fan. The steak in Mr. Ferdinand's possession had no markings and since he had arrived in the country minutes before there is no way that he could have purchased it locally."

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Archy Ferdinand situation deepens
BSE Free Bovines meat crisis grows in brevity with new findings released

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- The 'incident' in the nation of BSE Free Bovines regarding a raw steak Archy Ferdinand had born into the country has deepened in the past days. According to the Ministry of Agriculture, the steak Ferdinand had in his possession was indeed not certified BSE Free -- and with the defender hospitalized, whether his bringing of the steak into the country was intentional or not has not been determined yet.

"Intentional or not," commented Association of Football Director George McDouglas, "Archy should've known better -- he'll be reprimanded either way, even if he does says it was accidental -- the bringing of the steak into BSE Free Bovines."

Any fines associated with the meat importation violation on the part of Archy Ferdinand were garanteed to be covered by the Association of Football -- though despite this, McDouglas has issued apology to the nation of BSE Free Bovines.

"We can pay any fines they want us too, but we still can't make up for the fact some guy walked into their country with a big steak in his pocket -- the picture of that person immortalized in print."

For Archy Ferdinand and his large steak sticking out of his pocket were published in the paper, captioned with "Wonderteam in BSE Free Bovines."

"It couldn't have been a worse PR stunt," said a grave Guy Picciotto. "I don't know why Ferdinand would do something so stupid."

Oglethorpian Widespread Nationwide Police authorities have assured the BSE Free Bovines Ministry of Agraculture that they fully intend to find out Ferdinand's intent in the steak stunt -- till then the mystery continues on.

TIMWAY RESULTS MEDIOCRE, AS WOULD BE EXPECTED

Timway's Tigers opened the qualifying for WC12 with a decidedly ambiguous tone, as they currently sit tied for 3rd in group 3 with two other teams. A goal differential of 0 goes to show the true balance of Timway's performance vis a vis its opponents. More exciting results, in one way or the other, are expected soon, or else FOX News will be brought in to make something up.

Marie Law (ML): I'm coming to you live from The Master Cooper where the Warriors have just concluded a 1-1 draw against the home team. The match appeared to be a bit of a disappointment, but it may have been the fact that the Warriors could have been looking ahead to their home match with One Red Dot in the next match. The Warriors went ahead early as Kelly Carter scored her first World Cup goal off a pass from fellow youngster Thomas Larson. The score remained 1-0 until the 85th minute when a brief defensive lapse by Maria Campbell allowed a TMC striker to get off an outstanding shot that found it's way past Joshua Harris to level the score, which is how the game ended. Joining me today is Captain Francis of Assisi. Francis, how is the team doing so far?

Francis of Assisi (FA): A lot better than we did in World Cup XI, but we're still not playing as well as we should.

ML: Why is that?

FA: Because we're still not showing up mentally for the full 90 minutes. We'll play a good game for the first 83 minutes (or so), and then start thinking ahead to the next match. You'd think we'd have learned by now, having given up goals in the last ten minutes of every game so far, but we're still making the same mistake every match.

ML: How can you help to correct it?

FA: As a veteran, I can try to help them realize that this isn't national soccer where you can get away with playing the first 83 minutes, you need to play the full 90 in international soccer. If we'd have done that so far, we would probably have ten points right now, instead we have half of that.

ML: How do you feel about being left out of the offense at times by Kelly and Thomas?

FA: As long as they keep scoring like they have, I'm not going to complain about it. I will say that they are more fond of each other than they're letting on.

ML: Really? How do you know that?

FA: Because they're always together whenever we have a break during practice, and they aren't just chatting, they'll do things like put their arms around each other. I think there was once when they strolled off without anybody realizing it, and when we wanted to start practice, we couldn't find them. Eventually, we found them about 15 minutes later coming out of the locker room, breathing heavily.

ML: Thanks for your time Francis. Now we'll send it back to Jennifer in the studio.

Jennifer Johnson: Thanks, Marie. Just to recap for those who just tuned in...The Warriors drew in their match at The Master Cooper today 1-1. The Warriors goal was scored by Kelly Carter with the assist going to Thomas Larson. Good night everybody.


PRAYING2GOD 1 Carter (19th minute from Larson)

The Master Cooper 1 <player> (85th minute)


Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 4 of 14 matches):
Grand Master Mark 3-1-0, 9 points, +4 GD
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 2-1-1, 7 points, +6 GD
Patinhas 2-1-1, 7 points, -2 GD
Commerce Heights (15) 1-0-3, 6 points, +2 GD
One Red Dot (11) 1-1-2, 5 points, +2 GD
PRAYING2GOD (74) 1-1-2, 5 points, 0 GD
The Master Cooper 0-2-2, 2 points, -5 GD
Costa Lot 0-3-1, 1 point, -7 GD

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Orange-Blues won in Talyllyn
Sometimes the Orange-Blues win and then they make comments like: "The hardest thing was to spell the opponents' name." and sometimes they win but despite winning don't play a good match in this cases, comments are rather like: "I hope we improve next time and thank the gods for giving us the luck to win here despite the rather bad quality of our play." Since the last comment was said by Hexen Imdila about the match today, you can guess what category it was.

The line-up consisted nearly entirely of substitutes, only the forwards are the well-known SyLy and Su'he. The fans liked to see the famous duo to play again, but the team despite this didn't play good, they gave away to many chances and gave too many chances to the Talyllyns. They had luck that goalie Su I Y and the bad state of the pitch pervented to fall behind. The match began to improve when Hexen Imdila made two shocking substitutions: Jen Y replaced SyLy and Syku Syliju played instead of Xeseja Su. Especially Syliju'he was eager to show his qualities in his first international match. and in the injury time, he finally archieved the deciding goal for the Orange-Blues. He commented after the match: "I did expect a draw in this match, that this late chance was successfull, I didn't expect it!"

The result:
Talyllyn 0
Rejistania 1 (Syliju 92nd)

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This information was presented by the KaMaRi Update - News that matters.

OOC: If using IE, if not write your RPs in a word processor and copy the text across, otherwise you have no-one to blame but yourself.

IC:

Belless scores hat trick; TnUI lose 2-1

Super-dooper-ooper striker Alan Belless scored once in the first half and twice in the second half to gain his 50th hat trick in 4 games. Unfortunately changing ends at half time confused him so much two of the goals went into his own net.

Total n Utter Insanity 1
Belless [33]
Newcuba 2
Belless [67, 78]

D2R Times

D2R Pull Shock Last Minute Equaliser

D2R travelled to the Anti-Nazis for Match-Day 4 of the World Cup. Maeda travelled with the team this time, only needing slight recovery to be in full match fitness, he sat on the bench. The match started with the Anti-Nazi goalkeeper being tested with a shot from replacement striker Craig Spin(Jack Vivid flew to Dance 2 Revolution to attend to his pregnant wife.) Terry Freeze decided to play a more attacking tactic, putting pressure on the Anti-Nazi defence. This tactic, however, gave the Anti-Nazis the advantage of counter attacks, the Anti-Nazi attacking-midfielder, had a shot in the 37th minute, Handplant got a heavy touch of it, but only enough to push it onto the post, and it crossed the line. D2R fans were not happy with the mediocre performance in the first half. The first 10 minutes of the second half did not help the players causes. David Slide was sent off hacking the Anti-Nazi Attacker in the box in the 48th minute, Handplant managed to save the penalty, and later Handplant was sent off for bringing the same attacker down through on goal in the 51st minute. Craig Spin was substituted to put Roberto Jump into goal. Who saved the penalty. D2R fans were now Booing the D2R team, but the boos turned to cheers as they saw their captain warming up, and eventually being put on for Yozora in the 78th minute. Maeda soon made his presence known, forcing a triple save from the Anti-Nazi Goalkeeper. The next 10 minutes was spent with D2R hoofing the ball upfield at any given moment, but in the 3rd minute of stoppage time. Maeda's skill and speed broke the defence in half, rounding two defenders, nutmegging a third, and lobbing the goalkeeper in style. The Anti-Nazi supporters boo'd the team off the pitch, they and the fans knew that this was a game they should have won by about a 5 goal defecit. This draw put Dance 2 Revolution 3rd by Goal Difference, with the Anti-Nazi's 2nd on GD
Final Score: Anti-Nazis 1 - 1 Dance 2 Revolution

The World Cup Update©
Liverpool England face Zeronia for seventh meeting in qualifying, Win 2-1

(I am so sorry, Lemmy, after all my longs RPs I've no time to do one today. Could you tell me what my RP bonus is currently like? Thanks.)

From the editorial page of the Tir Eselyn Voice

First Victory for Ravens... 4 Days In

Reeling from the loss of two key players, strikers Kaede Kitsuki and Hikari Kitsu, the Ravens have been racking up a lackluster record, reminiscent of their first World Cup many years ago -- this, despite being a perennial contender ever since. Today's 3-1 victory was the first sign of hope for the beleaguered side, as the substitute-heavy roster -- including no fewer than seven players who have not previously played in a World Cup -- at last took charge of their half of the pitch.

We can hope team manager Zhen Sui-Ling, a longtime football star herself, has strategies in mind that could help the team push into the qualifiers. We can hope Kitsu and Kitsuki recover from their illness in time to rejoin the Ravens and make a difference. We can hope the Ravens keep playing the way they did today. But one thing is clear: there's no more room for mistakes this year.

*Sprightly Tune plays, with excerpts of lots of different sports being played. Some rather badly. Like Lacrosse. I mean, what the hell is Lacrosse? Anyway, light comes up on red and grey studio, with TV screens in the background, and a large table in the middle. Four men are sitting round it.*

Steve McManus: Hi, and welcome to SportTime, the televisual equivilent of being hit repeatedly with a large salmon.

Tony Hart: I happen to like trout flagellation, thank you very much.

SM: I'm here with Roberto Magellan, U-16 coach for the Buchanan Haggises...

RM: Hola.

SM: Jamie Smith, ex-player and top scorer for both the Mackintosh Armadillos and the national side, now a coach for the Armadillos...

JS: Aye.

SM: And, due to a mix up in studio bookings and administrative difficulties, Tony Hart, artist and children's telvision presenter for timeless classics like Vision On, and Take Hart.

*Gallery music plays - click here (http://www.concreteelephant.com/Silly/Break.htm)*

TH: Hello.

*music continues playing*

TH: Look, would you kindly stop that BLOODY MUSIC!

*SM looks slightly scared*

SM: Um... we thought it would be nostalgic.

TH: When you have to listen to it for a few series, it loses its charm.

SM: What about Morph? Is he here.

TH: I got bored of him, so I turned him into a delightful clay pot.

*puts pot on table*

Pot: Mmmmpf. Mmmpf.

JS: What was that?

TH: (panicked slightly) That was nothing, nothing, nothing. (To pot) Look, I told you to shut up, or it's the hammer for you, you little git.

SM: Uuuuh huh. Anyway, I'm sure the sport that everyone wants to know about is the World Cup Qualifiers, where unfortunately the national team aren't doing so well, are we?

RM: We need a mascot, I've been telling you, we need a mascot.

JS: Please excuse him, he's from Brazillico.

RM: Like a coconut, or a big... pie. Or a knight.

SM: A knight?

RM: Why the hell not?

TH: A knight who says "Ni!"?

SM: AAGH! Argh. Ow. No, not N... not that word.

JS: Yes, we don't need any plagiarism here, even if we do run out of ideas.

SM: Phew. So, the national team plumbed the depths even further this time, didn't they?

RM: Rgrrenrhehfrrrgnerjjjferenmascoterenerenwindefedmascot.

SM: Look, just shut up about the mascot, OK?

RM: I don't need to do anything you say.

SM: You're just being contrary, aren't you?

RM: No I'm not.

TH: Don't jump out the window.

RM: Banzaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

*smash of glass, followed by long and drawn-out scream*

TH: Oh dear. Should someone have told him we're quite high up?

RM: (Faintly) Eh... I'm okay, I think. There is a dull throbbing pain in every bone in my body, but I'm ok. Wait, is this wet concrete? And that steamroller.... Oh crap. Help, help someone help! Heellllpeesdddddddddschehe.

TH: I did nothing. It was all his own fault. You saw him. You can't pin anything on me.

JS: Yeah. So, anyway, this Eagle's Nest defeat, eh?

SM: I know. I think the team's too young for any kind of serious competition. I know the team needed a fresh start after the Mackintyre fiasco, but it seems we went too far.

JS: I don't thik we're that bad, we've just been unlucky. Take the double in the Eagle's Nest game, anyway.

SM: Yes, they're definitely not fascists.

JS: Of course.

*camera shows Eagle's Nest crowd, dancing and singing after first goal. Man in SS uniform notices camera, grabs hat and runs away*

TH: And you too can make your very own pencil holder out of two badgers and some sticky back plastic.

JS: Huh?

TH: Oh, sorry. Drifted off there. So, this Eagle's Nest lot. Good?

SM: We kept them back for a long time, really. We pushed forward, and gave some good chances, but it came to nothing. We dominated...

JS: Ooh, kinky.

SM: Now stop that. We gave as good as we got...

JS: Ooh...

SM: Look, say that again and I'll break your kneecaps.

JS: Sheesh, just trying to lighten the mood.

SM: It's as light as it can get, it's light as air.

TH: Helium.

SM: Yes, very good. Light as helium.

TH: No, I was just saying the word helium.

SM: Why?

TH: Well, haven't you noticed how high and squeaky your voice is getting?

SM: It's a stress thing.

JS: Told you it wasn't light.

SM: Just shut up unless it's a football thing, ok?

TH: Do you think burnt umber or ochre would capture the Holy India's strip perfectly, or should I use them to get a two-tone effect?

SM: What?

TH: That was football related.

SM: But it was more art than football.

JS: Like the game against Oglethorpia.

SM: That wasn't art, that was a gritty scrap, and our best performance.

JS: Yes, I think Lyle's a wimp, to be honest. Doesn't let the team attack, plays a defensive game, we don't respond well to that. That relaxing of the attack in The Eagle's Nest game let them get forward and take all the points. In my day...

SM: Mate, you're only 40. Save the "In my day's" for when you're 70 and kids nick your colostomy bag and spray the contents over your dog.

JS: I'm only as old as I feel.

TH: You feel like granite.

SM: So you're millions of years old, then?

TH: Like me. I'll live forever thanks to my Plaster-of-Paris baths.

SM: Fossil.

TH: Better a living fossil than a dead one.

SM: Back to the match, though.

JS: It was a disaster.

TH: And it made a fascinating tableaux.

JS: Put that tableaux down. You don't know where it's been.

SM: Under the desk.

JS: What?

SM: It's been under the desk.

JS: Oh.

SM: Well, with that bombshell, we have to leave.

TH: What are you wearing under the desk?

SM: Trousers.

TH: I've never seen suspender-shaped trousers before.

JS: Mate, those are suspenders.

SM: Well, I was going to a Rocky Horror Picture Show later on, and no-one sees under the desk anyway, so I just thought...

JS: I don't want to see them again, you lazy git. Put some trousers on.

TH: Or at least paint some on. Like me.

JS: You mean you aren't wearing any trousers?

TH: My skin is naturally jean-like. I just have to apply the blue finish.

SM: Look, we're over time. Say bye.

All: Bye.

*Music drowns out arguing, recrimination, and booking appointments to the psychiatrist to work out various mental scars.*

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders hold off Spaam attack

The Crusaders withstood a Spam attack from favourites Spaam getting away with a 1 ALL draw. Captain Harry Kewell was impressed with his team "Spaam are good team and we expected them to come out fighting today. A draw is good result as in WC XI we would have lost 4-0 instead."

The Crusaders stunned the Spaam supporters by possessing the ball for long periods on time in the 1st half and causing havoc in the 40 minute in the Spaam goal. In the end, the ball deflected off a Spaam defender into his own goal to shock the Spaam team.

In the 2nd half, Spaam came out fighting and the keeper had a hard time with the determined Spaam attack who were frustrated with their inability to score. Finally in the 89th minute a long range missile from 25 metres by a Spaam midfielder levelled the scores.

Coach Bob Marley said cheekily "Hey man, I'm expecting some email or Spaam today after this result."

[code:1:4ef5870c08]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 4 3 1 0 9 4 +5 10 40
Brazillico 4 2 2 0 8 3 +5 8 38
The Eagles Nest 4 2 2 0 8 4 +4 8 38
Spaam 4 2 1 1 6 5 +1 7 37
Jeruselem 4 0 4 0 5 5 0 4 34
Holy India 4 1 0 3 3 10 -7 3 33
The Weegies 4 0 1 3 4 6 -3 1 31
BSE Free Bovines 4 0 1 3 3 7 -4 1 31
[/code:1:4ef5870c08]

OOC

Couldn't help myself ...

Finally in the 89th minute a long range missile from 25 metres by a Spaam midfielder levelled the scores

OOC: The midfielder was using a rocket launcher? Come on WCC do something about these mass murdering Spaamanians!

Finally in the 89th minute a long range missile from 25 metres by a Spaam midfielder levelled the scores

OOC: The midfielder was using a rocket launcher? Come on WCC do something about these mass murdering Spaamanians!

I was refering to very fast and hard long range kick like ones used by Roberto Carlos of Real Madrid :D

Liberal Republic of Alex The Tall Sports news of the day!

Hello everybody, here is you're new animator of the sports news Alex Marginal. We will start now whi our first news of our soccer best team. After 2 looses our Patriots give us 2 big wins in 2 games, we are very proud of it. All fan of soccer in the big Republic are very happy now. But i am not sure about winning the World Cup but we have a better team in this world that before. Good luck team. And this was you're "Patriots" sports news whit Alex Marginal.

The Columbia Times

Lewis Unhappy Despite Third Win
Thinks the squad still has a long way to go

YUBA -- The Bedistan Lions chalked up their third win in four matches today against Santwa at Stephen Rogers Memorial Stadium, but manager Johnny Lewis is still not satisfied with the team's results so far.

"We're 3-0-1. That's good, good enough for third place right now. But what that doesn't tell you is that all of those wins were against unranked sides, and we've gotten all of those by just one goal. World Cup 11 was our worst qualifying run to date, and we only beat unranked teams there, but at least we beat them by multiple goals almost every time! We're just barely squeaking through these matches, and we lost to #90 Avenging Altos? Oh, and did I mention that all of those wins have been home matches? There's no way this team is ready to go to Kerla for the next match, or to Sliponia after that, and they certainly aren't ready for Rejistania, even if it is at Parker National. This team has got to pick up the pace, or we'll crash out again just like last time."

What Lewis says is true: the Lions really are squeaking through every match. The first half saw no credible attacks from either side, and Santwa nearly opened the scoring on the far side of halftime when Midfielder Dude #6 played a cross up to Striker Dude #12 on the right side, with Erik Oldenburg reaching the ball just in time to send it over the bar for a corner. Thankfully, Javier Lewey saved the day with a fine chip over Keeper Dude #1 in the 75th to put the Lions up 1-0, where they remained for the rest of the match.

[code:1:476c8976fc]Final score:
Bedistan 1 (Lewey 75)
Santwa 0[/code:1:476c8976fc]

[code:1:476c8976fc]GROUP 10 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Rejistania 4 4 0 0 7 1 +6 12 42
Kerla 4 3 0 1 10 4 +6 9 39
Bedistan 4 3 0 1 5 3 +2 9 39
Avenging Altos 4 2 1 1 5 4 +1 7 37
Sliponia 4 2 0 2 3 6 -3 6 36
Talyllyn 4 1 0 3 2 4 -2 3 33
Erratic Blobs 4 0 1 3 2 7 -5 1 31
Santwa 4 0 0 4 1 6 -5 0 30[/code:1:476c8976fc]

In case of Invalid_Session or other server-troubles
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This information was presented by the KaMaRi Update - News that matters.Which USUALLY works (in fact, a while back i posted this solution for someone else) - but did NOT work last night. When I went back expecting to find my text, so I could copy etc - it was gone. the "post a reply" screen sat there and stared at me with a completely empty expression. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Nicht etwas. Zip. Null. Zero.

I was very sad. :cry:

But, now I'm over it :D

On with the show.

We're all off to lose to Spaam, oh Vivaaaaa EastSpammia
Matchday 4 results shake up group

Last week this reporter predicted that if Audioslavia played the same way against a proper team, theyd lose. This reporter was right.

East Spaam had no trouble in fizzling out the unimaginitve Audioslavian attacks, scoring the only goal themselves through Jazmyne Edgardo on 50 minutes, after a long spell of pressure.

Audioslavia looked utterly hopeless up front, with Maidens and O`Malley not enjoying any of their previous luck in front of goal, and with Ward and Mill failing to penetrate down the wings at all

Final Score
Audioslavia 0
East Spaam 1 (Edgardo 50)

[code:1:22bd68bd84]
GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
Gaddland 4 3 0 1 5 3 2 9
Audioslavia 4 2 1 1 7 3 4 7
East Spaam 4 2 1 1 5 2 3 7
EL CID THE HERO 4 2 0 2 8 4 4 6
Iansisle 4 1 2 1 5 5 0 5
James A Hollar 4 1 1 2 2 7 -5 4
Eaglet 4 1 1 2 4 8 -4 4
Abysmalistan 4 1 0 3 4 8 -4 3
[/code:1:22bd68bd84]

Despite the surprise wins (Abysmalistan's 3-0 win over leaders Gaddland, and Iansisle coming a cropper at home to Eaglet) the table stays much the same, albeit closer together. Just 6 points seperate first from last.

With the exception of Gaddland, the well-known teams are more or less in the order you'd expect. The highly rated (but ultimately average) Audioslavian team are ahead of old foes East Spaam on goal difference, World Cup mainstays EL CID THE HERO are a point behind, with Iansisle a point behind them. Eaglet are, as usual, performing like a bunch of shits.

G'nite dawwggs

Brazillico's Purple Jerseys Flying Off The Shelves

That infamous purple jersey, which was once a figure of shame for Brazillico, is now being accepted with open arms by fans all around the Formerly Jingoistic States. After evidence which proves that these purple jerseys distract opposing players, infuriate the international community and give cows wild seizures which make them look like epilectic fishes out of water, Brazillican fans can't get enough of them.

"They're flying off the shelves," said retail store owner, Joseph Clemente, who was sporting one of the mauve Junior Socrates jerseys, "Lately, the fans just can't get enough them."

The purple jerseys were an extremely hard sell at the first, with many fans opting for the more conservative, sunshine yellow jersey. However, with all the bad press they have been recieving, couple with Brazillico's second place standing in Group 11, Chili Bats fans now sport the purple loudly and proudly.

"Yeah, they do look kind of fruity," said Hernan Ferndandez, a passer-by on the street with Alex Cannon's fourteen on, "But we're getting recognition from them. People are starting to remember how passionate we really are as fans and how talented our team is."

Yes, it indeed appears that Brazillico is once again becoming a hated place to come play at. Like back in the day of the orange bats, where the fans would swallow you whole and spit you back out covered in a 3-0 loss. Even the Locosi Coloseum, the famed concrete stadium with the concrete floor and green astroturf could perhaps be making a comeback to international football. If this were the case, it would be the hosting grounds of Brazillico's final match in qualifying, where they would play host to the Oglethorpian Wonderteam.

Unfortunately, the ruthless fans will have no say in their next match, as WCC president Gil Lemson has already decided to punish Brazillico for their bad behaviour in BSE Free Bovines by making them play The Weegies in an empty stadium. But you can bet Undelay Industries Stadium will be rocking for their next game when they play Spaam, and the Purple Haze are going to be electric.

Sacco and Vanzetti Put to the Sword

Red and White Wizards Execute 1-0 Victory on Mount Doom

From our news services...

Matchday Four, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–Last night the Red and White Wizards hosted World Cup qualifying newcomers Sacco and Vanzetti at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. The hosts ran out comfortable winners, the final scoreline of 1-0 belying the ease with which the Wizards dispatched their foe. Striker Ishklash the Snooty’s first half strike was enough to see the Enlightened Empire capture all three points from the match.

To start the game, Manager Ufwurz the Furious made two changes to the side that defeated Timway on Matchday Three. Gromdul the Gasher took the place of Bublok the Destroyer in defensive midfield as the manager choose to reward the player with the better form. Attacking midfielder Gabdul the Looter picked up a slight knock in midweek training and was replaced in the starting eleven by Skairash the Bald. Up front, Ufwurz went with his favoured pairing of recent years, the little and large combination of Ishklash the Snooty and Ashmazh the Tough, respectively. Thus, the Wizards reverted to the 4-3-1-2 formation for the match.

The Red and White Wizards kicked off the match in front of a packed crowd at The Fortress. Ashmazh the Tough nearly opened the scoring with the Wizards first attempt at goal. A perceptive Skairash the Bald pass found the unmarked Uruk’Hai targetman in the box. Ashmazh failed to capitalise on the chance, however, as he scuffed his shot weakly wide of the post. The opening move was a telling foreshadow of much of the match: long periods of Wizard dominance with the ultimate chance wasted. Visiting Sacco and Vanzetti looked overmatched from the offing; their only noticeable style being one of anarchic confusion. Ishklash the Snooty, unlike his teammates, was able to finish off and execute his first chance in the opening stanza.

In the twentieth minute, Gromdul the Gasher won a 50-50 ball in the centre circle. He quickly passed the ball to his left to an anxious Bagdreg the Mauler. The skilled midfielder dribbled forward and picked out a running Ishklash. The Snooty one turned on his speed with electric pace, burning past defenders Sacco and Vanzetti as if they were strapped down to a chair. Splitting the static defenders, The Snooty one charged into the box, flipped the switch, and coolly finished past keeper Abbott Lowell. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards and the crowd celebrated the spectacle.

With the Wizards in comfortable control, the visiting Fighting Zoot Suits were fortunate not to concede another. Shagrukh the Stronglaw headed a corner just over the bar. Akhklash the Emaciated, in fine form in the qualifiers to this point, missed two sitters at a gaping net. Skairash the Bald had a dipping shot rebound solidly off of the post. The visitors had one chance towards the end of the first half, but hot dog attacker Felix Frankfurter couldn’t come up with the mustard; his sour shot ballooned over the cross bar. The second half provided little more than a lesson on how to maintain long periods of possession from the Wizard midfield. With the referee blowing the final whistle, the match mercifully ended for the visitors for they had been well and truly beaten. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 1, Sacco and Vanzetti 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Ufdush the Nasty, Gromdul the Gasher, Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Skairash the Bald, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Akhburz the Straggler, Bublok the Destroyer, Gabdul the Looter, Olkrish the Swift.

For their next match in Group 3, the Red and White Wizards travel to World Cup qualifying debutantes North Wastestan.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

OCC: blimey guys - spent about an hour reading through the stuff posted over the weekend!!
Then of course you try to post and the session times out :x :evil: grrrrrr!

Anyho -

IC:
Sowhatsville News sports section

Halfassed's poor start jinx continues!

3 Matches, 3 goals for, 4 against and 2 points gained.

After an opening game draw with Svecia, Halfassed returned to home territory to face Tanah Burung in the second match in the group. As expected it was a tight affair, with Sherwood grabbing his third of the campaign in a 1-1 draw.
The major talking point of the game was the protest that took place outside the ground before and after the game. Hundreds of Halfassed citizens attempted to blockade the turnstiles into the Commonwealth Stadium in an attempt to sabotage the game.
"Its a disgrace, these clone freaks should not be in our country, they should even exist!" stated one of the protest leaders.
Chants of "Clones go home" and "Down with the clowns" could be heard.

The protest failed mainly because a police double agent told the protesters that the Tanah Burung supporters would be housed in the north stand and not the south stand. Police hastily rearranged for the Halfassed supporters with north stand tickets to gain access via the main stand and move round to their seats when inside the stadium. This caused a minor delay to the match, but nothing of significance. The players from both sides avoided the trouble as their team buses arrived well before the protest began.

With 2 points from the tougher opening games, Halfassed travelled to group unknowns Dokett for the third match expecting to get a win to keep in touch with the leaders.
Unfortunatly, complacancy set-in, and the side never really got going. With just under 15 minutes to go, Jennung mis-judged a cross from the right, and his weak punch fell to the Dokett striker who blasted it home from the edge of the box.

The defeat leaves Halfassed 2nd bottom of the group after 3 games.


OCC:
Ps hopefully will get game 4 sorted soon!

OCC: blimey guys - spent about an hour reading through the stuff posted over the weekend!!
Then of course you try to post and the session times out :x :evil: grrrrrr!

Anyho -

IC:
Sowhatsville News sports section

Halfassed's poor start jinx continues!

3 Matches, 3 goals for, 4 against and 2 points gained.

After an opening game draw with Svecia, Halfassed returned to home territory to face Tanah Burung in the second match in the group. As expected it was a tight affair, with Sherwood grabbing his third of the campaign in a 1-1 draw.
The major talking point of the game was the protest that took place outside the ground before and after the game. Hundreds of Halfassed citizens attempted to blockade the turnstiles into the Commonwealth Stadium in an attempt to sabotage the game.
"Its a disgrace, these clone freaks should not be in our country, they should even exist!" stated one of the protest leaders.
Chants of "Clones go home" and "Down with the clowns" could be heard.

The protest failed mainly because a police double agent told the protesters that the Tanah Burung supporters would be housed in the north stand and not the south stand. Police hastily rearranged for the Halfassed supporters with north stand tickets to gain access via the main stand and move round to their seats when inside the stadium. This caused a minor delay to the match, but nothing of significance. The players from both sides avoided the trouble as their team buses arrived well before the protest began.

With 2 points from the tougher opening games, Halfassed travelled to group unknowns Dokett for the third match expecting to get a win to keep in touch with the leaders.
Unfortunatly, complacancy set-in, and the side never really got going. With just under 15 minutes to go, Jennung mis-judged a cross from the right, and his weak punch fell to the Dokett striker who blasted it home from the edge of the box.

The defeat leaves Halfassed bottom of the group after 3 games.


OCC:
Ps hopefully will get game 4 sorted soon!

Wahrheit
The only truth

Stalag 5 keeps on

Headquarter It was the 3rd win in the 4th match. Together with WarnockWizards Stalag 5 finds itself at the top of the table even after matchday 4. Hash 'n Beans was our 4th victim and they were no match for Ausbilder Schmidt's well tuned team. Fussballgott Simon was the hero of the match, for his doublepack brought another victory home to Stalag 5. We bow down to you, Fussballgott!!

Final Score:
Hash 'n Beans 0
STALAG_5 2
Fussballgott Simon (18th, 63rd)

Part 4 Sub B – The Crusade of the Sheriff II, A Mini-RP

Night had passed, and it stood about 0800 the next morning. The sheriff, asleep in the back seat, realized the hood was up on his bug. He was astonished, appalled, thrown into a whimsical miry dervish of disillusion. He sat up quickly to pronounce his disapproval of the current act, but before he could speak, the front left tire hit what seemed to be a huge bump, throwing him against the roof of the car.

“Sir, I advise you to put your seatbelt on. I’m sure you’re about to ask why the top is up. Before you do, please look at the vehicle directly in front of us.”

The Sheriff curiously turned his glance out the front window to see a two horse amish buggy going around 3 or 4 miles per hour.

“The bump that you have recently experienced is the excrement of the horses, sir.”

“Not in my Firestone tires! Those are the finest tires ever!”

Soon after he said that, a series of 4 loud pops were heard, and the VW Bug pulled off the road.

“Sir, you might want to have a look at this.”

The sheriff got out of the car to see the Deputy holding a note that had been taped to the inside of one of the tires now decorating the last 50 meters of the road. He read it aloud.

“’Haha, you bought our tires, you sucker. Congratulations on making your car a death trap. With our tires, your safety rating is below that of the Suzuki Samurai.

-Firestone

PS: Bring this note to a registered Firestone Dealer to receive %10 off your next Firestone Purchase.’

Sir, do you have a spare tire?”

“What’s a Suzuki Samurai?”

“Remember a while back in Consumer Reports Auto Buyers Guide? They told you to not buy the Suzuki Samurai because it is extremely dangerous?”

“Yeah…”

“And then how 60 Minutes did a special on the car, and Suzuki sent footage of how safe it was, but in the footage, on the maneuverability tests, on the turns, the two outside wheels left the ground?”

“Yeah…”

“Is any of this getting in your brain?”

“Wait… What?”

“Nevermind. Do you have a spare tire?”

“I have four of them.”

“How do you fit 4 tires in this crappy German car?”

“Wait, keep it down, the Bavarians control this area.”

A severed head rolled over the hill and onto the highway infront of the car. In the mouth was a note, written in poor latin. It read ‘Buy our cars.’

“How do you fit 4 tires in this small, yet useful German automobile?”

“Under the hood.”

“Well where’s the engine?”

“In the trunk.”

The deputy was confused, but decided it for the better to not ask. He walked to the hood, and pulled out a tire. Underneath it, was another tire. After pulling that one out, he found another tire. Suspiciously like Mary Poppins, the forth and final tire was sitting there in the hood. He shrugged, closed the hood, and continued to re-tire the vehicle. The were soon off on the road, and five minutes into the trip, was the Amish Buggy.

“Can’t you just pass him?”

“Sir, Oglethorpian law says that you can’t pass on a three solid green and two dotted blue divided road.”

“No one else is around, just pass him.”

“Sir, I don’t think--“

“As well you shouldn’t. Now go ahead and go around him.”

The Deputy reluctantly obeyed, swerving across the myriad of lines, passing the buggy, and pulling back in to the appropriate lane. Soon thereafter, sirens were heard and flashing lights appeared in his rearview mirror. The Amish buggy now sported a siren and light, and the long bearded man piloting it was wearing an Oglethorpian police uniform. The horses were now in a full gallop, going around 80 miles an hour.

“Thanks a lot sir, we now have a foreign ticket.”

“GOOD MORNING SIR. I SEE THAT YOU ARE FROM KENS-FORD.”

“Kingsford, it’s Kings-ford. And you don’t have to yell.”

“CITIZEN CALM DOWN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CRIME YOU HAVE JUST COMMITTED?”

“No, sir, please, explain it to me.”

“CITIZEN CALM DOWN!”

“I am calm.”

“I KNOW, BUT THAT’S JUST FUN TO SAY.”

The Deputy and the Sheriff met eyes, both seeming as if they were trying their hardest not to laugh at the stupidity of this law enforcer.

“IF THERE IS A DIVISION IN THE ROAD THAT HAS THREE SOLID GREEN LINES AND TWO DOTTED BLUE LINES, CROSSING IS AGAINST OGLETHORPIAN LAW.”

“We’re sorry sir. Let me get my license and registration from the dash.”

The Deputy reached towards the dash, but before he could open it, the stumbling police man drew his pistol and shot at his hand, severing it at the wrist.

“You shot my frickin hand off, you whore!”

“CITIZEN, CALM DOWN!”

“HOW CAN I BE FRICKIN CALM! I ONLY HAVE ONE HAND! AND IT’S MY LEFT HAND! I--“

Before he could finish, the trigger happy Police man shot him in the forehead, rendering him silent.

“Hey, you killed my Deputy!”

“DEPUTY?”

“Yeah, I’m the sheriff of Crimpton County, Kingsford, and this was my deputy.”

“OH, TERRIBLY SORRY THEN. BE ON YOUR WAY.”

“Wait, officer, one question… How did your horses go that fast?”

“I DON’T KNOW, IT SEEMS LIKE A PLOT INCONSISTENCY, DOESN’T IT?”

“Yeah, whoever’s writing this must be a moron.”

Hey! What did I warn you! I can have you both killed you know! Look at what I did to the Deputy.

“BUT I DID THAT!”

You asked for it! Just then, a lighting bolt appeared out of the cloudless sky and hit the police officer, turning him into a pile of dust.

“That was pretty lame.”

Do you wanna die too?

“You won’t kill me, without me, you don’t have any sort of main character to hold together this sorry excuse of a plot.”

Agh… you’re right… but I can severely maim you, make you like, a paraplegic, or have you lynched by an angry mob of Bavarians just over that hill.

“Good point. Wait, who am I talking to? There’s no one around.”

Shut up and get driving. I’ve wasted enough time in this Germanic craphole.

“Sorry.”

The Sheriff drove and drove, until he finally reached Consolidated Stadium. The triumphant cheers of happy faced, wide eyed Oglethorpians greeted him, but there was no match going on.

“Oh yeah, it was yesterday, wasn’t it?”

Stop talking to me! You need some real friends! But, yes, it was.

“Is there any chance that scum Henry Tuck is still around?”

I can’t hear you, ask an Oglethorpian. If you talk to me once more, a flying disc will sever your legs, and people will call you Mr. Stubby.

“Excuse me, do you remember anything about the match last night?”

A round headed Oglethorpian turned around to see the regular sized headed and normal eyed Kingsforder inquiring to him.

“Well, uh, we won.”

“Anything else? Was there like a streaker or anything?”

“You know, I don’t really remember much of the match, but we won.”

“Yes, I’ve established that, thanks.”

“Hey, you know, Kingsford just won too.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, earlier this morning, against Flackitania.”

“Who?”

“Hey, there it is. Look!”

He pointed towards the large video screen on the outside of the stadium. On it was depicted famed, but aging, news anchor Gabe Banners, sitting at the desk of The Athletic Review, and the scrolling marquee ‘Sports Update in the top of the screen.

“Hi, I’m Gabe Banners. The Kingsford National have notched another victory, with the help of one Henry Tuck.”

The Sheriff listened on in disbelief.

“Running onto the field in a similar fashion as the Kingsford-Big Butts game, he stole the ball, this time scoring four goals instead of three, leaving the team with a 4-0 victory. However, the delightful menace of Crimpton County wasn’t as well received in Oglethorpia, where, in Consolidated Stadium, he streaked when the men of blue and green took on Jeruselem. The fans, all holding evisceratomatoes because of the shameless plugs by the Oglethorpian Government and Consolidated Foods, decided they’d get more enjoyment out of seeing a naked guy get hit with a fruit than eating the fruit itself. Tuck quickly and left, covered in pulp, back east for Kingsford. It was said he was caught at the border near Tattershall, but it turns out it was just a Kingsforder tourist, whose illegitimate son had to come rescue him.”

The sheriff wanted to kill someone really bad. He grabbed the throat of the Oglethorpian, broke his neck, and hurled his shoe at the video screen, hitting Gabe banners right in the face and shattering the screen, sending glass down on hundreds of Oglethorpians below, killing or maiming a majority of them. The then took his car and ran over a few dozen more Oglethorpians, before heading back towards Kingsford.

“Man, my life sucks, huh?”

Actually, it’s my fault. I’m the one who made you go crazy.

“Yeah, but I’m not real, so it’s all good.”

The Sheriff took a sip out of his bottle of Yoohoo. The creamy rich chocolate malt drink touched his parched lips, sending a burst of cold flavor down his throat. The delicious chocolate nectar clung to the hairs of his upper lip, where he reached up with his tongue to clean it, enjoying every last drop of the sweet drink. It’s glass bottle gave it a chill so it’s cool temperature caused a refreshing feeling so diving, so wonderful, that it made the sheriff shiver , partly from the cold and partly from the delight.

“Hey, what’d I say about the Hemmingway stuff?”

Hey, what’d I say about the talking to me stuff?

“Fine. I’m gonna go back to Kingsford so you can ruin my life some more.”

And so he drove. The matches streaked at were now three, and worse, Tuck had crossed the border unnoticed. If he has this much success in his own country where police know him, imagine how he would do in Lemmitania and Kaze Progressa. The Sheriff saw his career disappearing right before his eyes.

NEWI OF THE WORLD
An international edition of The Daily Druid

MINISTER SACKED OVER RACIST REMARKS
Ieauan Grovesnor in Cefn, as the Druid Foreign Minister is sacked.

Foreign Minister David David-David was sacked yesterday, after making comments in a rival publication about rival Handball World Cup Host bidders Lovisa. In the report, Mr David-David told reporters that the Lovisa bid was never going to be successful, and ridiculed the country for not having the necessary facilities. However, other comments were made on the relative success of their football team that were even more unpleasant. The comments made in the report are only for the printing of the downright lowlife rag known only as NEWI News. We will not be publishing the comments in the Daily Druid or any related publications, as they could be considered racist. The only other possibly printable comment made by Mr David-David is that Lovisans were lesser people for not sharing some Druid cultures, such as pretending to be Welsh.

The comments almost went unnoticed in NEWI Cefn Druids, as NEWI News has been boycotted by almost the entire population after it caused an ESE scare just over three years ago. However, the story was picked up on when a lost Insanican tourist accidentally picked it up instead of a copy of the equally popular ‘Things to do in Llllllllllcwllllllll’. After reading the report, he took it to the hotel reception where he was staying, saying, “Which theatre should I go to if I want to see Dafydd-Dafydd Llddieaeieuauac?” Unfortunately, it was written in mock Welsh, and so when the receptionist read it, she screamed with disgust and immediately rang the government.

Sports Minister Trevor Brookley moved quickly to condemn Mr David-David’s actions. “It is not acceptable for anyone in public office to make any kinds of comments like this about any country at all. Considering it is Lovisa, who are a very good sporting nation not just in Europe but now around the world, then anyone from a nation with the prefix ‘The Sporting Failures’ should not only be ashamed of themselves, but probably thrown into prison for good measure.”

Mr Brookley spoke of the harm the incident had had on the nation’s prospects of flourishing. “Obviously, this is going to damage what little there is of our reputation internationally. I hope it does not alter the decision that will be made by the Handball Committee. I hope that our bid will be judged on merit in the same way that the Lovisan bid will. I am sure it will be a close decision between our bids. Even though I have never been to Lovisa, I have seen the pictures on TV Lovun and it is a fantastic nation. The facilities there look as good as ours. We’ll leave that to the powers that be.”

President Trevor T. Druid added, “We would like to apologise to the people and the government of Lovisa for the behaviour of one of our ministers. We know that fairness is important to your country, and we believe that also. When someone comes along who is unfair, then he shall be punished like this.”

However, the tourist who found the report, a Mr Belless, has since been reported missing from his lodgings. No one, it seems, appears to know his whereabouts.

OOC: Just to let you know, we do not share Mr David-David’s views. We like Lovisa. :wink:

Mattigool Sports

Trio Infernale was there again

(Goolsund) What a match!! What a moral!! The Gools go on. In a very dramatic match at Eauz Trio Infernale Sokol Twins and Kristensen secured a draw during the last 10 minutes. Eauz started very aggressive. They had to win after their rather poor starting in WC XII.
Already after 8 minutes Eauz <player 8> scored, when he first showed Gool's defender Lagerfeld how play tricky and then upset Klokset with a banana shot. Only 18 minutes later Eauz scored again. But this time it was an own goal by Gamsten. He tried to head away a corner but missed the direction. It was his first owngoal in hie career.
But the Gools did not give up. More and more it became an one sided match with attacking Gools. Now and then a counterattack from Eauz.
But it lasted until the 80th minutes before the Gools finally were successful. Simen Sokol's pass was picked up by his brother Jonny whose fierce volley let Euaz keeper chanceless. It seemed to be nothing more than a consolidation goal.
Then in minute 89 Kristensen get the ball and started an inerresistable dribbling, went by two Euaz defenders and shot right from the spot. 2:2!
Alex Dunner and the Gools turned it almost round. What has this man done to the Gools! Compared to last WC's performances you can't recognize the team. Go on Alex, go on Gools!

Final Score
EAUZ 2
<player 8> (8th)
Gamsten (26th, og)
MATTIGOOL 2
Jonny Sokol (80th)
Kristensen (89th)

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Government demands compensation
Government demands compensation from Kingsford, in the aftermath of Sheriff's actions

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- In the aftermath of a visit from the Sheriff of Crimpton County, the large TV screen at Consolidated Stadium has been left broken, one Oglethorpian's neck was snapped, and several more were injured by falling pieces of the maimed television screen. The Sheriff is also thought to be behind the death of his Deputy. Further, Widespread Nationwide Police authorities believe the death of a Eauzian undercover Amish police officer working in Oglethorpia was also the work of the dastardly Kingsforder Sheriff of Crimpton County, the dead Eauzian not far from the Sheriff's dead deputy.

"He's got three deaths to his name," said WNP Director Mick Brown. "With these events the WNP is fully prepared to take on a nationwide manhunt."

WNP Director Brown denied any allegations that the WNP is a unwiedly, slow orginization. "Some groups in the Bureaucratic States don't handle the red tape well -- we can do it. We've got a fine record in tracking down criminals, despite all the form filing in handling fugitives."

The Widesprad Nationwide Police hire thousands of workers who's job is to solely do paperwork, so the WNP can devote all their time to going after the Sheriff of Crimpton County.

"We're going to find this crazy Kingsforder, if it's the last thing we do," assured Brown.

With all these events going on and the damage done by the Sheriff's "visit," the Bureau of Foreign Relations has issued a not-so-curteous request to the Kingsforder government to cover the funeral cost of those left dead and the hundreds of thousands of Little Shiny Credits it will take to fix the damaged big-screen monitor at Consolidated Stadium.

"They'll have to pay for this man's actions," said Foreign Relations Director Gordon Newell. "Not only do we need to cover damages, but costs associated with hunting this guy down."

When asked how much the gov't wanted, Newell replied nonchalantly, "oh, just about 2 million Little Shiny Credits. Not much."

Part 3 of the unnamed story of Gene Barber's escape to Kingsford...

[Scene: Savannah International Airport, Tingitana. The flight from Cisna-Ri has just arrived at Gate 31. Barber can be seen exiting the plane heading toward a small customs booth.]

Woman: Good morning, sir, welcome to Tingitana Customs. Can I have your name?

Barber: Gene Barber.

Woman: Nation of origin?

Barber: Bedistan.

Woman: Birthdate?

Barber: October 14, 1982.

Woman: Do you wish to become a resident or citizen of Tingitana?

Barber: Yes, a citizen.

Woman: Okay, if you'll just sign here on this line...

[The woman presents Barber with the paper on which she has written down his personal information. Barber quickly signs the paper.]

Woman: Thank you.

Barber: One more thing...can I get a name change?

Woman: You have to have lived in Tingitana for five days before you can do that, sir.

Barber: All right, I'll do that then. Thank you.

[Barber, now a Tingitanan citizen, walks away from the booth. He notices that one of the monitors nearby, which would normally show flight information, is instead tuned to BSTV's pregame show for Kerla v Bedistan. He thinks this is slightly unusual, but BSTV does serve Tingitana, which was a colony of Bedistan a few decades back. He walks to an inconspicuous corner and dials his cellphone.]

Barber: Hello? Yeah, I'm at the Savannah airport. Yep, already a citizen. You can do anything you want here. Anyway, did you get that sent out to BLW yet? Well, have they responded? No? That worries me...I don't want to have to go through all of this just to have my bet ignored...What? No, I'm gonna lie low here for a few months, maybe set out for Kingsford after the Bedistan-Rejistania match. Yeah. That'll give me time to get set up over there. All right, let me know if you hear anything.

[Barber switches off the phone. He heads for a bar on the west wing of the airport, but we need to visit the little boys' room, so we take our leave.]

*****ASPN World Cup 12 Special Report*****

*we are once again “treated” to the strains of the aspn sports theme. we can only wonder what the fool who selected this inappropriate music was thinking. or…well, let’s not go there. on screen are two large intertwined revolving transparent logos – world cup 12, and the snub nose 38 hooligans. through the transparent logos we see the aspn sports desk, and our intrepid reporter straightening his tie. the music and the logos fade together, and we see the wc12 logo on the wall behind the aspn sports desk, a northern wastestan jersey to its left and a snub nose 38 hooligans jersey to its right. our intrepid reporter clears his throat, and -*

Good evening, and welcome to “Sports, Scores, Standings, Statistics, and Alcoholic Beverages". I’m your host, Reed Enright. We’ve had two Hooligans sides in competition lately, your Snub Nose 38 Hooligans participating in the early stages of World Cup 12 Qualifying, and the Ancient Hooligans, who have been taking part in the Inaugural Founding Nations Cup. We have just learned that the Founding Nations Cup will make it’s first home right here in Snub Nose 38. The Ancient Hooligans bettered the Brazillico Chile Bats in the final match, the score being a 1 – 1 draw at the end of regulation time, and 2 – 1 Hooligans at the end of an added period of play. Congratulations, Ancient Hooligans, and well done!

On to World Cup 12 qualifying matches. In today’s fixture, the 4th with 10 yet to be played, the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans took to the pitch against an inexperienced but determined side from Northern Wastestan. Not to be confused with Wastestan – Northern Wastestan is…well… a little north of Wastestan, nor to be confused with Sourthern Wastestan, or Northern Waististan, or even South Central New Jersey.

The match began with an unfortunate occurrence for Northern Wastestan. The Hooligans forward B. Cubbins took a long range shot from about 32 yards that rebounded off the right post, hit an NW defender in the back, and sailed back towards goal. The keeper looked to have it, but tripped over an untied boot, and the “own goal” swished into the back of the net in the 3rd minute.

*we see b. cubbins’ shot bounce harmlessly off the post, hit the defender in the back, and sail into the net past the collapsing northern wastestan keeper.*

With the score 1 – 0 Northern Wastestan came close to an equalizer in the 42nd minute, only to be denied at the last second by the very alert and agile Hooligan Captain, Hanratty.

*the hooligan keeper, crepe, is out, having just delivered a mid-range kick to midfield. but a northern wastestan player steps in front of sequoia, the intended recipient of the pass, and sends it sailing back towards goal over crepe’s head. but hanratty had dropped back towards goal when crepe moved forward to take the kick, and is in a position to head the ball away just before it reaches the line*

And that’s how the half ended. As the two sides went off to the locker rooms, the Snub Nose 38 Hooligan Cheerleaders took the field.

*the hooligan cheerleaders move out, and form up in the “38” formation we’ve become accustomed to, and in the kevlar cheerleader outfits we have also become accustomed to. we notice that northern wastestan fans, and snub nose 38 fans, are gradually moving onto the pitch to the cheerleaders left and right as they begin their “cheer”*

“Snub Nose Hooligans, Hip Hip Horray!
The Hooligans are gonna win here today
Their tough, and they’re smart, and they know how to play
Northern Wastestan’s wasting time here we say!
Northern What? Refusestan?”

*the crowd of northern wastestan and snub nose 38 fans patiently wait for today’s guest vip, The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Frost-Free Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38, to throw out the first rotten tomato. as soon as it hits the head cheerleader square in the Kevlar breast-plate with a resounding “splat”, the fans start tossing. rotten tomatoes, cucumbers, cabbages, onions, peaches, pears, a couple of pumpkins, the obligatory (and, it would seem, frightened) small goat. security hauls the cheerleaders off in their custom-padded manacles, and the crowd moves back to their seats in an orderly fashion.*

The second half got underway as soon as the grounds crew had the mess cleaned up. The run of play switched back and forth, favoring neither side for the first 20 minutes of the second half. Then, in the 76th minute Hooligan midfielder Powhatten, subbed in a few minutes earlier for Bevis, arced a beautiful shot from 25 yards around a Northern Wastestan defender, past the outstretched hands of the keeper and into the upper right corner. 2 – 0 Hooligans.

*we see…well, waddaya think? we see that*

The score line remained 2-0 until the 88th minute, when Yosarian and an NW defender were both trying to reach the ball as it rolled through the Northern Wastestan box about 16 yards out.

*we see yosarian slide and reach the ball with his foot just before the ns player. the ball rolls weakly towards the keeper, who gets down on his knee and wraps his arms around the ball – and who looks astounded when the ball rolls through his arms, between his legs, and across the line into the goal.*

And that was all the action, folks. The final score: NORTHERN WASTESTAN 0 – SNUB NOSE 38 3.

*****This has been an ASPN World Cup 12 Special Report*****

*we find ourselves in a very large tent, with a big tear in one side. the décor consists of two bare light bulbs hanging from the ridge pole about 2 meters apart, a pair of folding card tables, five metal folding chairs, and a plastic cooler full of ice and ice-cold “38 special” beer. in the middle of the tent, holding a cold one in his left hand (which is slowly spilling out on to the ground un-noticed) and making direction-type motions with his right hand, is the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages – being ignored by the crew of movers. someone known only as “margaret” is seated on one of the folding chair by the tent flap, and she is actually directing the move. there seems to be a battered rubber chicken hanging from her belt*

- They won, Margaret! Two in a row! Certainly we should be happy about that.
- Yeah…they won. They beat two completely inexperienced, newly formed sides.
- But they did win!
- They’ve played four matches, bub. The two your talking about, and two against veteran sides. One loss, one draw.
- Come on, Margaret. They’re in third place.
- After four matches. There are ten matches to go. Lets see where they are about 7 or 8 matches down the way. Besides, the top two sides qualify. Third place sides have to play one another to see who qualifies and who just heads home.
- But…
- Can you get off it, nitwit, so I can get on with the move.
- Rude! Always rude! Did your mother teach you to be rude like this?
- Ya better leave my mother out of it, moron, or you will regret it.
- Sorry…I’m just excited to be moving back to our offices.
- Well…it’s just the basement offices. But there will be air conditioning, and heat when we need it.
- Mark my words, Margaret. The Hooligans are gonna win the cuppy thing this time!
- Sure…but I won’t bet the farm on it just yet.
- Well, the Ancient Hooligans just…
- These Hooligans ain’t those Hooligans. These Hooligans need a fire lit under ‘em.
- Well…lets go talk to Ben and Eileen Dover about that.
- Say – is there a tape recorded on?
- Why?
- Well, that’s the only good idea you’ve had this year, and I was hoping we could save it for posterity.

*we remember a couple of things we need to take care of. two or three pints, is what. so we duck through the tent flap, cross the street, and turn right towards the pub a block and a half away. as we do, we see the back page of this mornings scuttlebutt pasted to the wall.*

Scuttlebutt – Morning Edition

Sports Stats
Sten Remington Grey

Matchday Four Results, GROUP 3
Warnocks Wizards 1 Sacco and Vanzetti 0
Hash n Beans 0 Stalag 5 2
Timway 1 Defari 1
Snub Nose 38 3 Northern Wastestan 0
Qualifying Match Statistics Through Matchday 4
[code:1:84864f2964]
GROUP 3 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Stalag 5 4 3 1 0 8 3 5 10 40
Warnocks Wizards 4 3 1 0 6 1 5 10 40
Snub Nose 38 4 2 1 1 7 2 5 7 37
Defari 4 2 1 1 5 4 1 7 37
Timway 4 2 1 1 5 5 0 7 37
Sacco and Vanzetti 4 1 1 2 6 5 1 4 34
Northern Wastestan 4 0 0 4 3 10 -7 0 30
Hash n Beans 4 0 0 4 0 10 -10 0 30
[/code:1:84864f2964]

VILÄMNA TIMES

LIGHTNING STORM INTO FIRST
5-0 Trounching of Tanah Burung sees Svecia Standing Alone atop Group 5
Monday, 16 February


Resounding victories in World Cup qualifying have been very elusive to the Svecian team in recent voetbal history. But suddenly the goals just keep coming. After a mediocre 1-1 draw with rivals Halfassedstates, Svecia answered their country's call with three straight blowouts, the two most recent being against former first place Redavic Union, and then co-first holder Tanah Burung.

On Saturday The Redavic Union challenged Svecia in what was going to be a clash for first place, with second place Svecia going up against the upstart Union. The Lightning came on strong from the first whistle, scoring in the 14th and 31st minutes of play, and nearly adding to their lead multiple times throughout the rest of the match.

But after the whistle for the end of the game had blown leaving the Lightning up 2-0, Svecia found themself tied with voetbal power, and former World Cup host, Tanah Burung for the top spot in Group 5. But the tie would not last as the two perennial powers would play on Sunday.

And play they did. Well, one team anyway. Tanah Burung was left speachless, and goalless, as the Lightning shocked them into reality with a 5 goal bombardment. The first goal, scored just 3 minutes into play, brought the Svecian crowd to its feet in a spectacle that would be repeated numerous times throughout the match. Goals followed in the 12th, 29th, 56th, and 88th minutes as the Svecian strikers tore up the birds defence.

After the game, coach Tim Sveers was extremely happy with his team's performance but noted that there is still a long way to go in qualifying before the team can move on. But he did acknowledge the fact that holding first place is an accomplishment all can be proud of. Now Svecia just need to hold the top spot.

DAILY DESSICATED CLONE

Every few years, Tanah Burung falls victim to a blow-out. This year's disaster -- and we hope it's the only one this year -- comes at the hands of Svecia, another team not known for its consistency. Svecia has games when it blows away the competition (and today, certainly, was one of them) and days when it can't seem to find the net.

Today, Svecia found the net, five times. Only the heriocs of Cloned goaltender Bi Kikere prevented the score from being even more lop-sided. And although we're tempted to blame the weather for the poor performance by the Dessicated Clones offence ... and their defence too ... nothing can take a way from this fact: Svecia was smoking. Looks like one of their good years.

The Lightning were so hot, in fact, that Clone defender Francisco Alhamid spontaneously combusted. That's right: he erupted in flame with no visible reason, except a missed tackle on one of the many Svecian attackers who beat him today. Bi Kikere is said to have ordered "asbestos fire-proofing" for the next match.

Final score:
The nation hangs its head in shame, and refuses to repeat it. Suffice to say that the national radio service broadcast five minutes of silence.

Agent 00Evisto: log

///Begin encoded text file

Is it possible for a sentient vegetable to travel incognito?

Normally not, but in Oglethorpia, everyone mistakes me for a jolly corporate shill. Billy Evisceratomato indeed. If only they knew i was a trained killer working for the Evisceratomato Liberation Army. But since they take me for this "Billy," i can travel about the land, unharassed. Except by small children who keep telling me i "demand to be ate."

They shall die later. I am a professional. I cannot let their incessant squeals dstract me from the mission. The source of all this evil: the Oglethorpian corporate media.

Target acquired: A certain "Fernando Green." Evisceratomato eater. Butcher. About to be the victim of an assassination attempt.

The streets will run with your blood, Green, or they will run red with my own succulent, deadly flesh.

Paper Deadline Passes with No Report From the Game on Matchday 4.

Even though the game is only 2 blocks away, No report has been received of the results of the game against BSE Free Bovines. WHile we understand Horace stayed in BSE for overnight observation, we have no report on the game at this time.

We shall report any news as soon as we know it on tonight's game and tomorrow's key match against Group 3 leading Oglethorpia.

The Green Mile:
Episode 6: The Adventure of the Missing Striker

A little oriental zucchini is seen running from a neighbourhood football field. She (Zucchinis actually have no race. This is just for the “drama” factor) seems to be wearing oversized boots. As she runs, the boots cobble noisily on the stone sidewalks. As she proceeds up a flight of stairs next to a drain, a boot slips off her feet and falls into the drain. She gasps.

Meanwhile, a barefooted oriental zucchini waits outside the commanding presence of the Giant Zucchini National Stadium, looking worried. He glances again at his watch and continues pacing.

The boot continues to flow under the current of the drain. Suddenly, inspiration strikes her, and she flings her bag into the drain. The boot stops after hitting the bag. She takes off her other boot and climbs down the drain and picks up both boot and bag, which are both wet.

Mr Hurr emerges from the Stadium and sees the young zucchini still pacing direly.

Mr Hurr: What are you doing here?

Yew: My boots. They are not here yet.

Mr Hurr: Oh, you’re waiting for your sister. Why don’t you just buy another pair?

Yew: Money no enough.

Mr Hurr: What about the spares?

Yew: That one no enough. All too big.

Mr Hurr: Then what are we going to do?

Yew: I not stupid. I’ll think of a way.

Mr Hurr shrugs his shoulders and goes back into the stadium. Yew continues pacing. ‘This is not the way,’ he thinks. ‘I’ve got to go and find her.’

10 minutes later, everybody in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium searches the perimeter for one missing striker…

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities/Clubs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Curious George
The Complete Bushisms (http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=76886)
Alan Shearer
Newcastle United
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter
HomeRun
Money No Enough
That One No Enough
I Not Stupid

*we find ourselves in the snub nose 38 hooligan equipment room, somewhere in the bowels of "38 special" stadium. it is dark. it is dank. it would make a giant evil spider happy. it does not make us happy, nor does it appear to make the hooligans management team (manager ben dover, and assistant managers eileen dover and justin case) happy either.*

- ...enough first aid kits?
- I think so, Ben.
- And what about practice balls, Justin?
- We've got 100 new ones, and several bags of old ones.
- That'll do. Kits?
- Five home and five away for each player.
- Good, Eileen.
- They need cleaning, though.
- Well, have 'em cleaned, then. Bicycles?
- They were delivered yesterday. 50 regular, 50 of those big tricycle ones with the baskets in the back.
- Fine. How about Warm-ups?
- Got 'em.
- Okay. Shin guards?
- 50 pair large, 50 pair medium, 50 pair small.
- And raspberries?
- Raspberries?
- Yes, Justin, Raspberries.
- What on earth do we need...
- As "gifts".
- What gifts, Eileen?
- We like to send Bi Kikere a little "gift" at appropriate times.
- Oh...

*as we said before, it is dark and dank in here. to say nothing of that unique odor associated with well used athletic equipment. we need a little fresh air, and decide to take our leave. so, we do.*

Group 7 after Matchday 4
[code:1:ffc22b7aea] P W D L F A GD Pts
Giant Zucchini 4 3 1 0 11 4 7 10
Squornshelous 4 2 1 1 5 3 2 7
Rinkeby 4 2 0 2 5 5 0 6
Mattigool 4 1 2 1 7 7 0 5
Eauz 4 1 2 1 5 6 -1 5
Creedence Clearwater 4 1 0 3 6 7 -1 3
Valient 4 2 0 2 6 9 -3 3
AlanShearer 4 1 0 3 4 8 -4 3
[/code:1:ffc22b7aea]

Squornshelous pulls off first decisive win.
After a shocking 1-0 loss to AlanShearer to start the tournament off, followed by uneventful 0-0 and 2-1 games against Eauz and Creedence Clearwater, Squornshelous comes away from matchday 4 with a strong 3-1 win over upstart Rinkeby. This win, combined with favorable results in the rest of the group, put Squornshelous in 2nd place in group seven, behind 2nd ranked Giant Zucchini. Since I've beeen away for the weekend I haven't been able to RP matches, but I will post the scorers for Squornshelous.

Koren Jackson (2)
Luis Pavon (1)
Phillip Knorr (1)
Jamal Richards (1)

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Ferdinand to play vs. Jeruselem
Archy Ferdinand released from hospital, "fit to play next Wonderteam match," says doctor

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Earlier today, Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand was released from Megalopolis City General Hospital with a clean bill of health, following the Holy India Tea Bag incident a week ago in Oglethorpia's fourth international match of World Cup 12. Doctor Michael Gray stated that other than some contusions and bruising on Ferdinand's face, the defender was fully fit to play Oglethorpia's next match against Jeruselem, as the away team -- possibly even the full 90 minutes.

"Ferdinand only suffered head trauma and some nasty cuts and bruises -- other than that he's fully prepared to go out there and make tackles and play a good game of defense," affirmed Doctor Gray.

"Even if Ferdinand isn't really ready to play just yet," added team captain Fernando Green, "we'd rather have Archy out there than some half-assed substitute. No offense, but Ferdinand's got pep and style, and just adds a whole level of energy to the team. It's not like he'll get killed out there, even if the doctors are wrong about him being fit to play, or anything crazy like that."

Association of Football Director George McDouglas too has full faith in Archy Ferdinand turning out to play for Oglethorpia against Jeruselem. "Ferdinand's a tough kid, and will likely play through pain even if he knows he's not well enough to play the full 90 without discomfort."

Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand (or "Franz," as his friends call him) played the full 90 minutes against Holy India without a hitch; that is, until the striker fell face first, either due to a poorly kept pitch (more akin to a destroyed pitch) or a enigmatic Holy India Tea Bag mascot tripping him. Officials never determined what Ferdinand's injuries were attributed to, neither possibly ever decisively ruled out. Nevertheless, Ferdinand suffered face contusions, mild head trauma and several bruises -- enough to take the defender out for a few days to recover and get over short term amnesia and for bruises to clear up.

Most citizens side with Ferdinand on the matter -- numerous threats to the Tea Bag's life have been omitted from the article.

"I may just trip that damn Tea Bag myself," said an angry Wonderteam fan standing in line in a Megalopolis City bank. "That wasn't cool man. Ferdinand didn't do anythin- well, the tarring and feathering was deserved. Still, the Tea Bag sucks."

No word yet on whether or not the Tea Bag will make the journey to support Holy India against a Wonderteam squad playing at their home stadium -- and if he is, if a secuirity detail will be posted to keep the Tea Bag safe.

"If anything happens to the Tea Bag, it's probably deserved," remarked Widespread Nationwide Police Director Mick Brown.

Ferdinand himself has plenty of resolve to play the match. "I'm fully prepared to play the match in the interest of team spirit -- i'm not about to chicken out like some lame injure Kingsforder player."

After their sensational start, Avenging Altos have suffered a slump in form, being held in the land of the Erratic Blobs and then losing to Sliponia in the Norah Jones International Arena.

'The Erratic Blobs was the lesser surprise, despite what everyone says,' noted Itasae Murritko in an interview for the sports magazine Sultry Shooting. 'They can change shape in a flash and that made it very difficult to get past their defence, especially their goalkeeper. However, when their movement became a bit too unpredictable, we were able to reorganise and get the equaliser.'

She says the Sliponia result was 'almost inexcusable... the crowd were behind us, the play was going our way, yet somehow we couldn't finish them off. And for that, we deserved to lose, although they didn't deserve to win either with the amount of chances they gave us.'

Kerla, Rejistania and Talyllyn are the remaining opponents in the group the Altos have not met, and Itasae says 'four points from those three games - beating Talyllyn, losing to Rejistania and drawing with Kerla - is probably the most likely outcome. But anything can happen and we could easily get nine points or none out of those games instead. Personally, I'd take four - eleven points from the first seven games is a decent return for a still-inexperienced side. We don't expect to qualify - we do expect to shake a few teams up. And we will continue to raid the players' music collections before the game and steal anything by Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, but especially Ella Forrest.' There will certainly be more intrigue and drama ahead with the Altos, but will they be tearing up defences or manuscript paper?

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Spaam Squeak Home Over Hapless Weegies

The new World Cup Stadium in Allasea was the venue for Spaam's second
home game in the World Cup preliminary competition. The city of Allasea
is one of Spaam's most beautiful cities, and is home to just over 10 million
people. Situated on the coast in the nation's west, it has become a
favourite spot for international sporting competitions, as one of the
premier tourist destinations. The stadium seats 150 thousand spectators
normally, and can be extended to sit two hundred thousand, making it one
the 5 largest stadiums in Spaam. Noted for its intrinsic beauty and playful
use of colours, it is fast becoming the prime venue for international football
matches.

http://www.worldstadiums.com/stadium_pictures/asia/malaysia/kuala_lumpur_jalil2.jpg

Coming off the high of last matches away win against the BSE Free
Bovines, Coach Sëhelin was intent on making sure that the team kept its
performance up, not wanting a repeat of their last home game against
Oglethorpia. In a pre match interview she said, "there is no doubt that we
are a good team. We don't lose many matches, and those that we do are
against sides ranked much higher than us, like Oglehtorpia. We know we
can win, and all we need to do is go out there and win."

Sëhelin kept a similar lineup to their last match, only changing up the right
side. Sissud replaced Kru in the forwards, Maradon replacing Colosimo in
the midfield, and Maldini taking over from Bekenbár in the defense, who is
out with a cold. Meren Lûin still headed the forward pack, with Eromleb
keeping his left forward postition. Elrik headed the midfield, with Elen
Súrion on the left and Duran at the back. The defense had Bók on keeping
the left safe, with Finrod Súrion pairing with his twin sister Alatári, who has
settled into her regular goalkeeping spot. Sëhelin seemed unwilling to
change up the numbers much, preferring to keep the symmetric 3-4-3 that
performed well against the Bovines.

[code:1:ecebcf40cd]
F 10 Lûin
F 2 Eromleb 12 Sissud

MF 11 Elrik
M 8 Súrion 15 Maradon
MD 6 Duran

D 4 Bók 16 Maldini
D 9 Súrion

G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:ecebcf40cd]

Interesting to note, in that Spaam has no player on their team under the
age of 20, which is a first in their World Cup history, On the other hand,
the Weegies decided to go with a very young outfit, with no player over
18. Their team was comprised of Sartré as goalkeeper, McManus,
Fredriksson, Johnstone, and Davis on defense, McCann, Ferguson,
Andrews and Mathieson in the midfield, and Hardie and MacDonald as the
strikers. Coach Lyle commented on his choice of starting lineup in an
interview, saying, "I wanted to get our team out of this funk.... if we gave
the young kids a chance, we might be able to tire Spaam out...."

[code:1:ecebcf40cd]
F 10 Hardie 21 MacDonald

M 7 McCann 8 Ferguson

M 19 Andrews 20 Mathieson

D 2 McManus 4 Fredriksson

D 5 Johnstone 14 Davis

G 12 Sartré
[/code:1:ecebcf40cd]

The game started quickly, with the Weegies putting Spaam on the back
foot from the very start. The Spaamanians had a scare early on in the 3rd
minute when a very quick 16 year old McCann beat the Maldini, 10 years
his senior, to make a shot on goal. The ball almost went in, but was a little
too high, bouncing off the top post, and into the crowd. The Weegies kept
up constant pressure on Spaam's midfield and defense, and had a couple
more chances in the opening 30 minutes. However, Spaam's defense
held, most notably through the efforts of the Súrion triplets, who's tackling
was impeccable throughout the match.

The game started to lose some of its intensity after the half hour mark,
and that is when Spaam struck. In a play that will go down as one of the
most inspired in recent history, goalkeeper Alatári Súrion stopped a shot
on goal with her foot, and quickly punted it over to her brother Finrod. He
had the presence of mind to send it upfield to the third triplet Elen, who,
seeing that she wasn't covered, managed to kick it over to Meren Lûin,
who let it bounce once, before shooting it into the goal. Sartré had no
chance; the entire play from goalkeeper to goal took just 7 seconds.

http://graphics.fansonly.com/photos/schools/brow/sports/w-soccer/auto_action/a-gervais091703.jpg

With the Weegies stunned, Spaam took control for the remainder of the
half, making four more shots on goal, though none of them succesful.
After the break, the game was more even, with Spaam's dynamic front
pack, making up for the Weegies' youth. Both sides had more chance
throughout the half, but the defenses were working hard, and so the
scoreboard remained unchanged, with Spaam going down eventual
winners, 1 goal to nil. The crowd cheered both sides after the match, for
giving them an exciting and dynamic game.

Coach Sëhelin applauded her team in the post match interview. "Even
though we only won by one goal, I am pleased with the effort our team
gave today. We knew we were coming up against a tough team, and it
was proven on the field. But our boys and girls kept up with them, and we
managed to get the goal that gave us the win. Full credit to the Weegies,
who kept our team running throughout the whole match, and never seemd
to tire. I'm sure Jonathon will be happy to hear my team isn't going to be
moving for a few days after the workout his team gave us."

However, critics were not so convinced. Sports columnist for the Shaw
City Telegraph, Simon Krystal said that "Spaam was lucky to come
away with the win. I will grant you that goal set up by the Súrion triplets
and made by Meren Lûin is one of the best and inspiring I have seen in a
while, but it was a piece of luck. Spaam never really dominated the
match, and the entire right side was pitiful, and gave the Weegies too
many chances. The Weegies could've scored on too many occasions, and
it was only due to the effort of a few really good players that they didn't.
Sëhelin is going to have to improve if she wants the team to stand a real
chance against these teams."

Spaam 1
(Lûin 31)
The Weegies 0

<<page one>>

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Oglethorpia Too Beefy For Bovines

Oglehtorpia went to the BSE Free Bovines to play in a match that was
overshadowed by "Steakgate". Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand
was found carrying a piece of non-Bovine meat into El Toro airport, and
was detained by customs. The diplomatic faux pas did not faze the team
though, putting the pressure on early in the match. The Black brothers
teamed up to put the Wonderteam ahead in the 10th minute, before the
Bovines equalised in the 27th. The Wonderteam went ahead again in the
40th, and that was the last goal for the game, Oglethorpia taking the game
away 2 goals to 1.

http://www.cs.buffalo.edu/~milun/steak.before.gif

BSE Free Bovines 1
(Gertrudis 27)
Oglethorpia 2
(Black 9, White 42)

The Eagles Nest in Jeruselem

The Eagles Nest, who came into this match at the top of the table, only
managed to draw against a team which, although remains winless, is also
unbeaten. Four goals were scored in the first half, two from each team.
Eagles Nest striker Adams opened the scores in the 9th minute, but
Jeruselem matched that in the 24th, and went to the lead in the 38th
thanks to Kewell. The Eagles Nest scored a penalty goal in the last play of
the half from Gratunia, and the game was tied at 2 all going into the break.
The second half was disappointing, and finished as it started, the two team
drawn at 2 all.

http://www.bearingwitnessjournal.com/justice/images/jerusalem.jpg

Jeruselem 2
(Player 24, Kewell 38 )
The Eagles Nest 2
(Adams 9, Gratunia 45)

Brazillico Cannon Past Holy India

Holy India were anything but when their mascot injured one of Brazillico's
players, but that did nothing from the Cannon kids doing their 'thang' and
giving the Chilli Bats their first win of qualifying. Trevors opened up the
scoring in the 22nd minute, giving Brazillico the lead, but Holy India quickly
matched that ten minutes later with a Shaman goal. Alex Cannon then
made sure that his team was up before the break, scoring in injury time,
the score 2-1 at the break.

Ten minutes into the second half, Alex got his second goal, almost putting
Holy India out of contention. However, the Holy Indian Tea Bag rushed
onto the field in the 74th minute, and managed to trip Trevors up, giving
him a broken ankle. The Chilli Bats retaliated as only they knew how,
putting Holy India out of their misery in the 83rd minute, thanks to Sandro
Cannon, with help from his brother Alex. The match ended with Brazillico
trashing Holy India 4-1, with Alex Cannon named Dude of the Day. The
Holy Indian Tea Bag was dunked, I mean dumped, for their next match.

http://www.cubanfoodguy.com/teabag.jpg

Holy India 1
(Shaman 32)
Brazillico 4
(Trevors 22, Cannon 45, 55, Cannon 83)

<<page two>>

United Spaam Sports Weekly

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Round 3 Wrapup

With wins to Spaam, Brazillico, and Oglethorpia, and a tie to the Eagles
Nest, the top of the table became cramped, with the top 4 teams within 2
points of each other. Oglethorpia became outright undefeated leader with
7 points, and Spaam managed to jump into outright second on 6.
Brazillico and the Eagles Nest are now equal 4th, equal in every way on 5
points. The Weegies are the disappointment of the group, being equal last
with the BSE Free Bovines on just one point. Jereuselem and Holy India
round out the group, 5th and 6th on 3 points.

[code:1:5ee00ea3b5]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
Oglethorpia 3 2 1 0 7 4 +3 7
Spaam 3 2 0 1 5 4 +1 6
Brazillico 3 1 2 0 6 3 +3 5
The Eagles Nest 3 1 2 0 6 3 +3 5
Jeruselem 3 0 3 0 4 4 0 3
Holy India 3 1 0 2 3 8 -5 3
The Weegies 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1
BSE Free Bovines 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1
[/code:1:5ee00ea3b5]

East Spaam Succumb To Almighty Gaddland

Suprise team of the year Gaddland, came to East Spaam, intent on
keeping their winning streak alive. The first half was a gritty affair, both
teams not giving anything away lightly, and 3 yellow cards were given out,
two of them to the visiting team. Elmo came closest to scoring a goal,
when he beat the defense and shot the ball straight towards the corner of
the goal, but the goalkeeper managed to deflect the ball of his fingertips in
possibly the save of the year. By the time the halftime break came, the
scoreboard was still empty.

The second half was much of the same, with both teams tiring quickly,
which had the most effect on the East Spaamanians, who only had 3 shots
on goal in the second half. Gaddland made the breakthrough in the 67th
minute, when their striker got past goalkeeper Garrett for a comparatively
easy goal. That was the only time the scoreboard changed in the match,
Gaddland scoring their third win in a row, and giving East Spaam a 1-1-1
record. Coach Braulio said after the match, "its no secret that I am
disappointed with the way my team performed. Gaddland may have three
wins in a row, but we are better than those upstarts."

http://images.fifa.com/reuters/02-04/norway00b.jpg

East Spaam 0
Gaddland 1
(Player 67)

Group 4 Wrapup

East Spaam's major competitors, Audioslavia in Group 4 both came away
with wins, Audioslavia destroying Abysmalistan 4 nil, and Iansisle with a
gritty 1 nil away win against El Cid The Hero. The other match saw James
A Hollar and Eaglet draw with one goal a piece. Those results mean East
Spaam slip down to 4th spot, and Gaddland hold a commanding 2 point
lead over Audioslavia. Here is what the table looks like:

[code:1:5ee00ea3b5]
GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
Gaddland 3 3 0 0 5 0 5 9
Audioslavia 3 2 1 0 7 2 5 7
Iansisle 3 1 2 0 3 2 1 5
East Spaam 3 1 1 1 4 2 2 4
James A Hollar 3 1 1 1 2 3 -1 4
EL CID THE HERO 3 1 0 2 4 4 0 3
Eaglet 3 0 1 2 1 6 -5 1
Abysmalistan 3 0 0 3 1 8 -7 0
[/code:1:5ee00ea3b5]

The Weegies Win Acclaim Over Uniform

The match against Spaam brought critics acclaim over the Weegies new
uniform. Brought in in memory of the death of the first international
Weegies manager at the age of 70, it is a complete departure over last
World Cup's threads. Designed by world renowned Lemmitanian designer,
Janet Jackson, it is an example of the stunning modern designs that are
taking the international fields today.

http://drake.5p.org.uk/theweegies.jpg

<<page three>>

Agent 00Evisto: log
...funny log entry - sn38 looking forward to more... :shock:

Third time "passing" through, just got it. Am currently recovering from choking on own tongue while laughing.

:wink:

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Jeruselem Make It Four In A Row

Jeruselem game to Drakken City, one of Spaam's largest and oldest cities,
housing over 50 million people. It also has Spaam's second largest
stadium, Drakken City International Stadium, which can seat up to a
quarter of a million spectators. However, for most events, less than two
hundred thousand seats are available. Thankfully for officials, the stadium
was full, and tickets sold out, as the football mad citizens of Drakken City
met with the almost as fanatical spectators coming from Jeruselem.

http://www.worldstadiums.com/stadium_pictures/asia/north_korea/kim_il_sung.jpg

Coach Sëhelin decided to change up the whole team for this match, opting
for an smaller defense, and beefing up the right side. Alatári Súrion
stayed on as goalkeeper, with her brother Finrod protecting the right, and
Bók joining him on defense in her usual left wing position. Colosimo came
back from illness to take her position on the right midfield, with the third
Súrion triplet Elen on the left. Pantel replaced Duran in midfield defense,
while Dodd came headed the midfield pack. Elrik was moved up to join
Eromleb, Kru, and Lûin as forwards.

[code:1:89e0dfc2a4]
F 2 Eromleb 10 Lûin
F 11 Elrik 13 Kru

MF 5 Dodd
M 8 Súrion 3 Colosimo
MD 6 Pantel

D 4 Bók 9 Súrion

G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:89e0dfc2a4]

When the match started, Jeruselem managed to confound the Spaamanian
players, keeping possession of the ball for most of the first half. Spaam's
woes increased when Eromleb was given a yellow card in the 30th minute
for an suspect tackle on a Jeruselemese midfielder, and then given a red
card 7 minutes later for another suspect tackle on a defender, who had to
be stretchered off. Down to just ten players, Jeruselem doubled their
attack, finally getting a goal from Kewell which was deflected off Finrod
Súrion in the 40th minute. Coach Sëhelin was notably frustrated, with no
possession, a red card, and an own goal, going into the break 1 nil down.

The Spaamanians went on the attack in the second half, making sure that
Jeruselem had as little possession as posisble. However, the defense
stood, and temers flared as the Spaamanians grew increasingly frustrated.
Yellow cards were given to Travis Dodd, Luka Pantel, Maddi Elrik, Kru,
Simone Colosimo. Spaam looked to be going to a shock loss at home,
until the 89th minute. The Jeruselem defense had the entire forward pack
covered, when Elrik passed the ball back to Dodd. His marker tripped and
fell, giving him clear host at goal, 25 metres out.

The ball rocketed past the suprised and tired goalkeeper, equalising the
scores, and kept Jeruseleme winless and with 4 draws in as many
matches. After the match, Coach Sëhelin was criticsed about her choice of
lineup, Eromleb's red card, the increasing role of women in the team, and
the lack of possession in the first half. She replied in the end with, "Stuff
this. We didn't lose", before storming out of the media room. Meanwhile,
Jeruselem coach Bob Marley made numerous bad jokes about being
"spammed".

Spaam 1
(Dodd 89)
Jeruselem 1
(Kewell 40)

<<page four>>

OOC

Waiting for Day 5 8)

IC

Jeruselem Government News

Clash of religions on the pitch

Jeruselem's next opponents in the World Cup XII is Holy India. Some commentators are keen to watch the Christo/Judiac/Moslem team vs a mainly Hindu/Buddhist team. Christian Harry Kewell, captain of th Crusaders said to the press "We have no idea how this will turn out. Holy India are underperforming and busting to beat us. We pray to God that this match is not a religious war".

Coach Bob Marley was quoted to have said "Hey man, chill out ... that Archy Ferdinand is playing but I'm not worried.". Former captain David Becks was keen for the game to begin "All draws so far, but we are going all out for a win today"

David Becks in action
http://www.allmoviestar.com/ft/david_beckham/0012.jpg

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Brazillico Knock Bovines Out Cold

Tempers were already running high before the match between the Chilli
Bats and the Bovines, with the start of the game delayed by half an hour
due to hooliganism. However, when it did start, Brazillico took charge,
giving the hapless Bovines little chance to reply. Alex Cannon scored in
the 40th minute, sending his team to the break with a one nil lead over the
Bovines. The supporters for both teams clashed again duing the halfitme
break, causing the resumption of the game to be delayed by 10 minutes,
which was no doubt welcomed by the players.

The second half was much the same as the first, with Tobias Cannon
scoring in the 79th minute with help from his brother, and effectively
ending the Bovines' game. However, when a rogue Bovine supporter
threw a large piece of meat at Horace, the BSE Free Bovines mascot, and
knocked him out. tempers burst. Hooligans from both camps rushed onto
the field, meaning the players had to be escorted to safety. When the
game could not be restarted after half an hour, officials ended the match,
and Brazillico came out 2 nil winners.

http://www.consumerspacking.com/html/slides/top-butt-steak.jpg

Brazillico 2
(Cannon 40, Cannon 79)
BSE Free Bovines 0

Return Of The Tea Bag

OOC: Points for the recognising the reference

Oglethorpia hosted Holy India in a one sided match that kept the
Wonderteam unbeaten and top of the table. Goals to White in the 36th
and Calhoun in the 63rd minute gave Oglethorpia a 2 goals to nil win. The
victory was marred by the return of the Holy Indian mascot, the Tea Bag,
which was dumped after Holy India's last match. The Tea Bag tripped
controversial Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand, causing him to be
hospitalised. A coalition of nations is now hunting the fugitive in Pakistan.

http://www.cubanfoodguy.com/teabag.jpg

Oglethropia 2
(White 36, Calhoun 63)
Holy India 1

Blah Blah Weegies Lose

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the Eagles Nest blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah the Weegies blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 38th minute blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah Martin Dunn blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the
Weegies blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 1 nil blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah 87th minute
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Mario Gratunia blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah the Eagles Nest blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
one all blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah 89th minute blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Gratunia
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah the Eagles Nest blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah two goals to one blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah.

http://www.drugs.indiana.edu/publications/ncadi/radar/keeping/blah.gif

The Eagles Nest 2
(Gratunia 87, 89)
The Weegies 1
(Dunn 38 )


<<page five>>

Wahrheit
The only truth

Timway did not appear

Headquarter Something went wrong last night. Stalag 5 players waited for the referee and opponent Timway, but they did not appear. Ausbilder Schmidt now claims 3 points and a 2:0 scoring for his team.

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Round 4 Wrapup

Spaam's draw and wins to Oglethorpia, Brazillico, and the Eagles Nest sees
Spaam pushed down to 4th position. Oglethorpia have a 2 point lead over
Brazillico and the Eagles Nest on 8 points, with Spaam one point behind.
Jeruselem are then 3 points behind on 5th, with Holy India, the Weegies,
and BSE Free Bovines rounding out the bottom placings. Here is the full
table:

[code:1:f1a3df8a8c]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
Oglethorpia 4 3 1 0 9 4 +5 10
Brazillico 4 2 2 0 8 3 +5 8
The Eagles Nest 4 2 2 0 8 4 +4 8
Spaam 4 2 1 1 6 5 +1 7
Jeruselem 4 0 4 0 5 5 0 4
Holy India 4 1 0 3 3 10 -7 3
The Weegies 4 0 1 3 4 6 -3 1
BSE Free Bovines 4 0 1 3 3 7 -4 1
[/code:1:f1a3df8a8c]

East Spaam Continue Big Brother's Work

East Spaam continued Audioslavia's Spaamanian woes
When they went to visit their old foes.
Audioslavia played averagely to say the least
Going down to Spaam's brother in the East.
After 50 minutes a goal was scored
Jazmyne Edgardo putting her team on the board.
Thus the game ended, if you will
East Spaam over the Slaves, one goal to nil.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/misc16.jpg

East Spaam 1
(Edgardo 50)
Audioslavia 0

Group 4 Wrapup

Losses to the three top teams saw East Spaam crawl into third spot, even
with Audioslavia. Gaddland continues to dominate the group, despite
forfeiting their game to bottom of the table Abysmalistan. They are 2
points head of Audioslavia and East Spaam on 7 points, and one goal
ahead of El Cid The Hero. Iansisle slips to 5th spot on 5 points, ahead of
Eaglet and James A Hollar equal on 4 points, with Abysmalistan still last,
despite their win. The group is now the second closest in the preliminary
competition, with only Group 2 closer.

[code:1:f1a3df8a8c]
GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
Gaddland 4 3 0 1 5 3 2 9 39
Audioslavia 4 2 1 1 7 3 4 7 37
East Spaam 4 2 1 1 5 2 3 7 37
EL CID THE HERO 4 2 0 2 8 4 4 6 36
Iansisle 4 1 2 1 5 5 0 5 35
Eaglet 4 1 1 2 4 8 -4 4 34
James A Hollar 4 1 1 2 2 7 -5 4 34
Abysmalistan 4 1 0 3 4 8 -4 3 33
[/code:1:f1a3df8a8c]

Girl Power

Melá Sëhelin made the record books, when she fielded the most feminine
international football side in history (discounting all female sides of
course). The team that played Jeruselem had 7 women playing, with only
2 men, one suspected man, and one player of unknown gender. With
Spaam being coached by women for over 15 years, the number of women
on the team have increased steadily. From Spaam's first World Cup team,
which was all-male, to the first woman player, the late Lehua Hoopai,
women have been whittling away the male dominance on the sport.

What effect has that had on the Spaamanian national team? Since Lehua
Hoopai became head coach for the national team over 15 years ago,
Spaam has not made the round of 16 in the World Cup. In fact, since
Hoopai's second World Cup attempt, Spaam has not even qualified. On
the other hand, East Spaam, which is still coached by a man, has qualified
twice in four attempts. Lehua Hoopai is coming under increasing fire for
her coaching style, and should Spaam not qualify for the World Cup again,
may see herself in trouble.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/olmedia/940000/images/_940064_4gallery300.jpg

<<page six>>

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Yes, This Is The Last Page

For today anyway. I did have to catch up, after all.

Matchday 5 Preview

Spaam will be going to Holy India in their next match, but critics don't
predict anything more than a draw. Holy India have lost 3 straight games,
and their only win was against the hapless Weegies, whereas Spaam have
not lost since they hosted Oglethorpia. However, after their performance
against Jeruselem, their prospect is not bright.

In addition, security will be high in anticipation of the return of the Tea
Bag. The Tea Bag, who is notorious for tripping players, is reportedly
hiding in Pakistan, but could reenter then nation. A coalition of nations is
hunting for the fugitive, but have not had any luck, despite the US pouring
billions of dollars into the search and crippling its own economy and
screwing its people with the wrong end of a Evisceratomato.

In other matches, Jeruselem is favoured to draw aganst a visiting
Oglethorpia, the Eagles Nest are overrating its chances against the BSE
Free Bovines, but will probably still win, and you really have to feel for the
Weegies who go to Brazillico. May the Lord have mercy on their souls.

TBF Tries To Be Funny, Fails

This is the offending article:


Paul JonesWelcome a BBC News Special
where we are going to an Important News Conference in Parliment
Square. Over to you John.

John Belmore: Yes, 'm here in Parliment Square where the Sport Secutary
Geoff Belmore is ready to make an announcement on the recent
allegations about the World Cup Matches being generated by a
Spreadsheet instead of them being played on a field.

*Geoff Belmore enters*

GB: Ladies and Gentlemen, in light of the recent allegations made against
us we have located the Daily Scandle's source. This is all we can comment
on at this time on that matter. However we would like to confirm that these
allegations are completely false. I am open o a few questions now.

*A reporter for The Daily Belmorian stands up*

TDB reporter: Was the Source Alan Belmore himself?

GB: No, it was not.

*The BBC reporter stands up*

JB: Was the source Dr. David Belmore?

GB: Yes, it was.

*Gasps from around the room*

GB: Thank You Ladies and gentlemen there will be another press
conference tomorrow.

RL situations ripped off so far
The Today Programme's report on the Iraq Dossier
The leaking of Dr. David Kelly's name


There are a number of things wrong with this. Firstly, the spelling and
grammar are atrocious. And before you go and try to correct mine, try
typing almost five thousand words worth of RP.

Secondly, this 13 year old is trying to copy truly FUNNY people by ripping
off real events/movies/books/etc.... If you want to be funny, do it your
own way, not by copying people who get laughs and then doing the same
expecting to get any. Because I can guarantee you, I can count the
number of people who laughed at this on my balls. All three of them. And
I'm being generous. Heck, there are probably more people laughing at me
going off at you.

And lastly, if you want to rip something off, try not to rip off something so
bloody boring, unimportant, or irrelevant to anybody outside of the United
Kingdom.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/loser.jpg

Rumours Continue For Meren And Fin

Rumours that Meren Lûin and Finrod Súrion are a couple continue as the
pair are increasingly seen in public together. A photo taken before the
game against Jeruselem show the pair holdin hands while walking with
Spaamanian forward midfielder Travis Dodd. The striker and the defender
continue to deny that they are any more than just friends, but friends close
to the pair claim otherwise. "They just want their privacy," one pal said,
"so that is why they are denying the rumours."

http://www.smh.com.au/ffxImage/urlpicture_id_1075340895318_2004/01/31/spt_deltascud0102.jpg

Editors Column

With Oglethorpia, Brazillico, the Eagles Nest, the Weegies, Jeruselem, the
BSE Free Bovines all RPing, as well as me, Group 11 seriously rocks. I
mean, what other group has 7 of their 8 teams RPing. And not only RPing,
but RPing lots. Of course, this means one thing.... with the exception of
Holy India, who are screwed, RPing doesn't mean as much, because
everybody is doing it. I'll be suprised if any goals are scored against any
team but Holy India, because everyone's defense is going to be so friggin'
high. And because everyone in our group is RPing, you have to make sure
that you RP more than everybody else, or you have no chance of
qualifying. So that is why I RP about two thousand words worth every
matchday.... because I want it more than anybody else. Thesis? Who
needs no steenking thesis....

<<page seven>>

(Three older men sit in a conference room with large windows overlooking El Toro's central square)

(Presiding over this meeting is the Minister for Sport, Entertainment and Propaganda. To his right is the Minister for Agriculture, and to his left is the Minister for Security and Oppression)

Sport: Thank you all for coming. We have a variety of items relating to the World Cup on the agenda.

First I would like to say that our first foray into international sport is going rather well. Our team has played up to expectations. They have managed not to be embarrased on the pitch, specially against the leading teams in this group. We are a young football nation, we must learn to crawl, before we can walk and then we can worry about running, dribbling, passing, scoring and so on.

First, lets discuss Steakgate - where does the press get these names?

Security: I thought you approved that name personally, sir.

Sport: Yes, it seems that I did. (Scowls at Security)

Where do we stand on the Archy Ferdinand situation? (He looks at the Minister for Agriculture)

Agriculture: We have completed our investigation and the steak that Mr. Ferdinand was carrying at the airport was not certified as BSE Free. Given the amount of meat involved he can only be charged of possesion of an illegal substance, and not with the more serious charge of smuggling an illegal substance.

Sport: What is the Oglethorpian government's reaction to the charges against Mr. Ferdinand?

Agriculture: The Oglethorpian authorities have been very cooperative. We contacted the Food, Drug and Food Administrative Association & Federation FD&FAA&F which is their food products regulatory agency and they have been very helpful in the investigation. They determined that the steak was bought in Oglethorpia, but they cannot determine the identity of the buyer.

I also detected some underlying ambivilence towards Mr. Ferdinand from some of the Oglethorpian officials. He is a very good defender for their national side, however, some of his actions both on and off the pitch seem to have left a bitter taste in some people's mouths.

Sport: Good report. What is our next step?

Agriculture: The possession of an illegal substance charge, carries a hefty fine and no jail time. We could ask the Oglethorpian authorities to collect the fine for us.

Sport: How much is the fine?

Agriculture: 100,000 Prions. I don't know how much that is in Little Shiny Credits but I am sure the Oglethorpians can figure it out.

Sport: Good, have the Ministry of Justice and Show Trials draw up the necessary paperwork, then contact the Oglethorpian authorities and ask them to collect the fine.
(He now glances at the Minister for Security and Oppression) Okay tell me about the Brazillico incident.

Security: The piece of sirloin that was hurled at Horace has been given to the Ministry of Agriculture for testing. So far every test has been negative, and we are confident that this is a local cut of meat. One of the markets near the stadium sold various meat cuts to Brazillico fans prior to the match. We don't know why the fan brought the meat into the stadium uncooked, but we suspect he was either late for the match or too drunk to realize that he had a steak with him. Attempts to identify the culprit have been unsuccessful because most of the fans near the perpetrator were so drunk or caught up in the game that no one remembers much of what happened. Television coverage was focused on the pitch at the time and has yielded no leads, we were lucky to get a shot of the steak just before it hit Horace.

We will have additional security forces deployed near the stadium for the next home match. In addition to tear gas and manure pats, the security forces will have access to "slaughterhouse slurry" trucks in case the situation gets really out of control.

Sport: Good, but lets try and avoid using those slurry trucks if we can.

Security: Yes sir. By the way, how is Horace?

Sport: Horace has left the hospital. His vision is still a little blurred and bright colors startle him, but he seems fine otherwise. I have not spoken to him or his doctor to see if he will be on the sidelines for our next match. I am also considering keeping him home for the return match against Brazillico.

Well, gentlemen thank you for your time. Goodbye.



(Later that day, the Minister for Justice and Show Trials hands his assistant an official document )

Justice: Please send this to the FD&FAA&F in Oglethorpia immediately.

Assistant Yes minister. (The assistant glances at the note before inserting it in the fax machine)

Notice of Judgement

In the case of BSE Free Bovines Ministry of Agriculture (Enforcement Division) vs. Archy Ferdinand (defenseman Wonderteam) we the Ministry of Justice and Show Trials (El Toro District) find Mr. Ferdinand guilty of the crime of possesion of an illegal substance. In this case, the illegal substance is less than a 1000 grams of non BSE Free meat. The penalty for this crime is 100,000 Prions. This sum should be sent immediately to the Ministry of Justice and Show Trials, El Toro, Republic of BSE Free Bovines, 11ET01.

NEWI OF THE WORLD
An international edition of The Daily Druid

NEW EPIDEMIC LOOMING?
Eleanor Kilgannon* in Spaam

A new medical condition appears to be taking hold in United Spaam, and this one could be more severe than the ESE crisis that originated in East Spaam just a few years ago. This time, however, the disease is more contagious, with the possibility of it spreading as governments around the world try to make up their minds on what is best for their nations.

Yes, verbal diarrhoea is here. However, the Spaamian government seem to be encouraging the disease to spread across United Spaam. Their policy on the matter seems to be that ‘more is good’ when it comes to wordage, and the timing of this epidemic is a godsend for them.

However, it seems that the move could lead to the epidemic spreading. At risk areas include nations which the Spaamian football team will be playing against in their World Cup 12 qualifying campaign. These include BSE Free Bovines, Brazillico, Oglethorpia and The Weegies. In fact, unconfirmed reports from The Weegies suggest that the disease could well have spread there. Symptoms of the disease were appearing in some of the presenters on TV show “SportTime”, though officials currently deny that this was the case, putting this down to “having an artist on the show”.

The fact that BSE Free Bovines, Brazillico and Oglethorpia all seem to be at risk is another worrying sign. BSE Free Bovines have worked meticulously hard to keep their nation BSE free. The Oglethorpian economy is only just recovering from the ESE crisis there, and evisceratomatoes are still banned from Brazillico because of the scare. The danger of a new epidemic is not the kind of news people in these nations want to be hearing.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE VERBAL DIARRHOEA?

Well, the Druid Health Minister Evelyn Mergency-Ward has told the people of NEWI Cefn Druids to look out for the following symptoms in friends and family.


Increased levels of speech
Regular bouts of unrelated and unnecessary speech
Unusually high levels of RPing
Production of RPs containing large amounts of photographs and pictures


If you suspect anyone you come into contact with a verbal diarrhoea sufferer, contact your local GP immediately.

*Eleanor Kilgannon would like to point out that she has tested negative for verbal diarrhoea, and so will be able to continue her work for NEWI Of The World, The Daily Druid and other related publications.

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Starters Defeat Substitutes in Friendly
Lions get practice for Kerla match

KERLA -- Now that the Bedistan Lions have been waiting for a fairly good while in Kerla for the fifth World Cup 12 qualifying match to get underway, the team decided they needed to play a match to keep their skills in top shape. So this morning the Bedistan starting eleven took to the field in Kerla against the ten substitutes (plus offensive coach Jeff Whitehurst). The starters played in their usual 4-4-2 formation, while the substitutes went with a more attacking 3-3-4, with Whitehurst playing the striker position.

The first goal came early, as starting midfielder Neil Palin sent a lovely header 45 yards forward to Darren Morlock, who easily outwitted Tabitha Fukushima in the substitutes' goal. The subs very nearly equalized after that, with Karen Neighbors successfully crossing the ball to the other side of the field where coach Whitehurst was. Whitehurst just got the ball past Erik Oldenburg, but embarrassingly enough, the coach was ruled offside and the starters remained up 1-0.

Early in the second half, substitute midfielder Jerome Roose conceded a free kick by pulling Javier Lewey's shirt. Lewey managed to curve his shot just enough for it to bounce off the post and into the goal, giving the starters a 2-0 lead. Lewey would end up repeating this maneuver twenty minutes later for the team's third goal.

"That was weird," commented 19-year-old substitute defender Jennifer Matz after the match. "Of course we've played the starters back home on the training grounds and in the First Division. But playing against them in Kerla was pretty strange. They beat us 3-0, which I hope shows that they have the skill to take care of Kerla."

[code:1:dce78c0e07]Final score:
Bedistan Starters 3 (Morlock 9; Lewey 56, 76)
Bedistan Substitutes 0[/code:1:dce78c0e07]

Lawsuit Filed Against Microcosm!
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - Investigations have revealed that the recent lack of PariMedia publications in Commerce Heights was primarily caused by a faliure in Microcosm's latest release of LoserOS XP. "The flaw," said Microcosm's CEO and co-founder Pay Bills, "was caused by a recent security update htat unintentionally locked LoserOS XP from starting. All affected users can simply download and install the new update." PariMedia CEO Dalen Quaice reportedly commented, "You stupid idiot! We can't download the update!" upon hearing the press release.

For just §1,000,000,000, Microcosm will send a free copy of the new patch on 3000 1.44kB diskettes for use on one registered and activated copy of LoserOS XP.

This double post brought to you by Microcosm LoserOS XP Service Pack 124890.

This triple post brought to you by Microcosm LoserOS XP Service Pack 248050.

This quadruple post brought to you by LoserOS XP Service Pack 230876230583746128496053856912576192745, version 104586.51.60.
All LoserOS XP Service Pack ads sponsored by Microcosm's patented technology for incrementing version numbers by 1, 0.1, or 0.0.1 with each release, and by the sequential service pack numbering system. All service packs require that all previous service packs be installed before installation.

The Yuba Federalist

Lions Celebrate Win in Kerla
Most significant victory in a 'long time'

KERLA -- Apparently the starters-versus-substitutes match did indeed help the Bedistan national team get into shape, as they managed an away win in Kerla today -- their first away win against a ranked team since matchday 15 of World Cup X qualifying seven years ago against Dark Outcasts.

The first half was a great power struggle, with possession 52%-48% in favor of Kerla and six unsuccessful shots on goal by both sides. With the score 0-0 at halftime, many fans were worried that the team would once again fail.

However, two quick goals at the start of the second half changed that. Darren Morlock, who has suffered from a slight lack of form so far, finally found his groove as he sent two beautiful strikes past the Kerla goalkeeper, both assisted by midfielder Neil Palin. Erik Oldenburg, however, gets credit for being Man of the Match by successfully deflecting eight shots on goal by the Kerla offense.

The Lions are now 4-0-1, having won every game except the one against Avenging Altos, and we hope the Lions can keep it together as they head for Sliponia.

[code:1:48bb1d1e62]Final score:
Kerla 0
Bedistan 2 (Morlock 50, 58)[/code:1:48bb1d1e62]

[code:1:48bb1d1e62]GROUP 10
Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Rejistania 5 5 0 0 9 1 +8 15 42
Bedistan 5 4 0 1 7 3 +4 12 39
Kerla 5 3 0 2 10 6 +4 9 36
Avenging Altos 5 2 1 2 5 6 -1 7 34
Talyllyn 5 2 0 3 4 5 -1 6 33
Sliponia 5 2 0 3 4 8 -4 6 33
Erratic Blobs 5 0 2 3 3 8 -5 2 29
Santwa 5 0 1 4 2 7 -5 1 28[/code:1:48bb1d1e62]

Music emanates from the studio designed to make you think that what you are about to watch is going to be important.

Voice-Over: This is Live at Five news on BNN, with your host, Rodrigo Lopez.

The camera zooms in on the dark shadow of a man, sitting straight in his chair, behind a long, blue, grey desk. Behind him, is a large, rotating globe with a beam of light shooting through it and hundreds of television sets giving in their local news from around the world. The dark-haired, strong-jawed man, sporting a double breasted vest, light purple shirt and a darker purple tie gently shuffles his papers and begins to speak.

Rodrigo: Hello, I’m Rodrigo Lopez. Today, Brazillico braces itself for its fifth World Cup qualifying encounter against an underachieving Weegies side. After a solid two game road trip which saw the Chili Bats outscore their opposition 6-1, Brazillico expected a warm homecoming from the Purple Haze, but unfortunately, after disciplinary actions for an altercation in BSE Free Bovines sparking a riot, Brazillico was ordered to play this match in front of an empty crowd. However, we’ve got the only camera covering the match with Blimp Jim Hernandez giving you exclusive shots from way up in the sky. Blimp Jim, are you there?

An overhead coming from high in the Libertad sky can be seen on the screen. Within the stadium, the players from Brazillico and The Weegies look like tiny ants on the emerald green pitch, playing to a capacity crowd of 72,000 polystyrene seats. Vacant, empty, desolate, within the confines of the Libertad National Stadium, the players play hard, getting less attention than a house league game with two teams full of tots. Away from the gaze of the public eye, these two squads still battle it out valiantly for pride and country.

Blimp Jim: Yes I am, Rodrigo, we’re doing good here.

Rodrigo: That’s super. Can you update us on the qualifying match against The Weegies and Brazillico.

Blimp Jim: Well from way up here, we really can’t see much. The purple eyesores are clearly Brazillico, and as for the other guys, we think they’re The Weegies. As for spotting the ball, we can’t see much.

Rodrigo: Are you using the pair of binoculars BNN told you to pack along?

Blimp Jim: No, I am not. Opens up a compartment to his right and pulls out a pair of binoculars. I’m still a bit far away, but I have located the ball. It’s in Brazillico’s territory.

Rodrigo: Can you fill the fans in on the score to date?

Blimp Jim: I believe the game is still scoreless, but seeing as I couldn’t see the ball until 15 seconds ago, I could be wrong.

Rodrigo: How have Brazillico looked to date?

Blimp Jim: Small, very small. That’s about the view you get when you’re up 1500 feet.

Rodrigo: I was asking about the quality of their play.

Blimp Jim: Well, I see some bright purple dots congregating around a player near The Weegies box, I think they might have scored a goal.

Rodrigo: That’s splendid news for the fans at home!

Blimp Jim: No wait, I think the flag was up. Somebody was offside, no goal.

Rodrigo: What? Who went offside?

Blimp Jim: As I previously mentioned, I am damn high up and cannot read the player’s names from this altitude. Allow me to go down for a closer pass.

Rodrigo: While you’re manoeuvring the BNN zeppelin closer to the stadium, I’d like to mention that Brazillico is still undefeated to date and appears to be on track to…

Blimp Jim: Holy shit, Fernando, to your right, is that a naked guy?

Fernando: Huh?

Blimp Jim: Outside the stadium, look, there’s a naked guy running towards the north-east entrance.

Fernando: Oh.

Outside the stadium, a naked man can be seen furiously running towards the sports ground. He reaches the gates, pounds on the door and gets nowhere. He runs to another entrance, where he also tries to get into the stadium, but likewise, to no avail. Out of nowhere, a festively coloured Volkswagen Beetle rears over the large flower garden at the entrance of the stadium and goes straight at the naked man. The streaker bolts towards the south, running in a rather comical zig-zagging manner to avoid his pursuer. All of a sudden, the Volkswagen Bug veers out of control and hits a large lighting post head on. The driver gets out of his car to give chase to the streaker, but he is already out of range and the conductor turns around and kicks his car’s tire in a fit of rage.

Rodrigo: Do we have a developing story on our hands?

Blimp Jim: Yes, we got an accident at the entrance of Libertad National Stadium. If anyone was looking to save some time by cutting across the flower garden and boardwalk adjacent to the stadium, I highly advise against it and would recommend taking Fourth Avenue, which tends to remain relatively clear this time of day.

Rodrigo: Alright, thanks for the heads up on the traffic tip Jim, but how’s the game doing?

Blimp Jim: I believe in the midst of the hubbub developing outside the stadium that The Weegies have just scored.

Rodrigo: Why’s that?

Blimp Jim: Because Brazillico is lining up at the half-line and preparing to get the game underway again.

Rodrigo: Oh fiddlesticks. So it’s 1-0 for The Goonies?

Blimp Jim: I believe they prefer to be called Weegies.

Rodrigo: Whatever, that’s all the time we have for football right now. Hang tight, Blimp Jim and we’ll see you later on in the show.

Blimp Jim: Alright….

The thunderous sound of three F-18 superhornets in tight triangular formation rock the zeppelin, causing Fernando and Jim to fall off their feet. As the fighter jets passed, both men noticed the WCC largely stencilled upon their wings. Fernando regains his footing and fixes his camera on the three combat jets, turning around in mid-air, as if to make another pass. The centre jet squares up to the blimp and releases a missile aimed straight towards them.

Fernando: Shit.

Blimp Jim: Tell my wife I love…

The transmission ends abruptly and the screen goes fuzzy for a few seconds. The network regains communication and goes to a shot of Rodrigo smugly sitting in his anchor’s chair.

Rodrigo: Damn it! That’s the third zeppelin we’ve lost this month!

Meanwhile at Libertad National Stadium…

Salazar: *Gazing up at the sky* Woo! Look at that big fireball!

R. Cannon: Way to go asshole. Next time, look at this ball *Holds up soccer ball* instead of those fireballs. We’re down two-nil now!

Strike Birds Continue Run

Eagle's Nest Rises to Second Place after 2-0 Win against BSE Free Bovines

The Strike Birds played in front of their home crowd today and gave the 78,000 screaming fans a 2-nil win over BSE Free Bovines. The win, coupled with Brazillico's loss to The Weegies, puts the Strike Birds into second place by a point going into what is not arguably the hardest two matches to date, A home game against Group Leading Oglethorpia, and a game at third place Spaam. These two games should shake the group up considerably if the Strike Birds can continue their winning ways.

The game started out with a moment of silence and support for the visiting Bovines' macot Horace, who was unable to be at the game due to his tragic encounter with a Brazillico purple jersey and a large steak to the back of the head. Purple had been outlawed from the stadium for the game, and as a polite gestures, any fans that had tried to sneak in any steaks were asked to leave them outside.

Once the game started, it was evident very quickly that the Bovines were not in this game, as their minds must have been on Horace. The defense was lackluster and could not stop the Birds' strikes. The Bovines' goalkeeper Devon had a brilliant first half, with 17 saves, many being spectacular. The half ended at a 0-0 tie.

After half time, the Bovines' completely came undone. After a shot by returning striker Adams bounced off Devon and went back into the box, Defender Angus tried to play the ball back to the goalkeeper, but hit it too hard and the ball rolled past Devon into the net. Angus's own goal made the game 1-nil in favor of the Strike Birds.

The mistake woke up the Bovines and they were finally able to get the Birds' defense into the game and goalkeeper Nathan Adams made a few spectacular saves. Coach Aefnen unvieled a new offensive play. Goalkeeper Adams suddenly dribblewd the ball out of the box and approached the midline when he launched his patented goal kick swing and lauched the ball deep into the forward area. His cousin Josh Adams fielded the ball, passed it to Mario Gratunia who lobbed it over the last defender to a streaking Adams who shot the ball home, upper left. The score read 2-0.

Once the score was not in any question, it was evident that the coach was preparing for the next two games as he started playing with the defense and attack set-ups during the last 15-20 minutes. The game ended with handshakes all around. After the match was set, the Strike Birds did a victory lap to recognize their fans and then went into the locker room.

Bovine Goalie Devon on the own goal.

"I messed up. For some reason.....I think it is Horace, we're all concerned about him and his presence would have helped a lot if he were here. *sigh* I can't talk any more."

Coach Aefnen on the end game.

"I know that goal differential is important to qualification, but look at is right now. We're in third place. (coach is interrupted to inform him of the Brazillico score) Hey, Weegies won! Ok, we're in second place, nestled in between Oglethorpia and Spaam, ranked 14th and 27th in the world. If we want to qualify, and we do, we HAVE to try some new schemes and systems to change up the game. 2 ties in these next games, or a win woul be huge to our chances. If we lose both, we're looking up at both of them and fighting an uphill battle."

Defenseman Leonard Holst on the game.

"Yeah, the midfield kept us having a light game today. But coach woke us up real quick when he started yelling at halftime. I am glad we got to try some new things, and hopefully we can do well the next few days."

Tomorrow's game will have tight security and all fans should expect a 3 hour delay getting through the construction, the gates and all other necessary delays. First tip at 6 pm.


Scoring:

The Eagle's Nest
Angus (BFB) 53:02 (OG)
J. Adams (EN) 65:48 (4)

BSE Free Bovines
None

Yellow Card
EN: K. Osprey (1)

The Eagle's Nest Schedule
Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India Win 3-0
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem Tie 2-2
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies Win 2-1
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines Win 2-0
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam


Other Matches

In an interesting coincidence, all matches today in Group 11 were shutouts. The Eagle's Nest was the only home team to score a win today.(Home team listed first)

Jeruselem 0 vs. Oglethorpia 3
Brazillico 0 vs. The Weegies 2
Holy India 0 vs. Spaam 5


Group 11 Unofficial Standings

[code:1:7a0933d9f4]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 5 4 1 0 12 4 +8 13 40
The Eagles Nest 5 3 2 0 10 4 +6 11 38
Spaam 5 3 1 1 11 5 +6 10 37
Brazillico 5 2 2 1 8 5 +3 8 35
The Weegies 5 1 1 3 6 7 -1 4 31
Jeruselem 5 0 4 1 5 8 -3 4 31
Holy India 5 1 0 4 3 15 -12 3 30
BSE Free Bovines 5 0 1 4 3 9 -6 1 28
[/code:1:7a0933d9f4]

This double post brought to you by the Information Group.

Need numbers crunched, come to the Eagle's Nest. Let us do the work for you.

This TRIPLE post is brought to you by the number 6 and the letter J.

In other news, President Ashallond made an appearance today on TV promoting the need to increase ties with other countries, and start up trade and diplomatic ties. Feelers will be sent out, but any country wishing to create a diplomatic tie is encourged to send a telegram or envoy to the Nest.

Quad post?

Heck, i can't find an advertiser to take this one over.

Baseball tonight at eleven.

Holy India 0 vs. Spaam 5

Mission accomplished? :roll:

Holy India 0 vs. Spaam 5

Mission accomplished? :roll:

Yes :P

But I can't let up now.... still 9 matchdays to go, and at least 15 thousand words to write ;)

OOC- Spaam, if you're feeling obligated to put up 2,000 words per post, you should stop.

Firstly, you're already going to be sitting on a pretty nice RP bonus, even if you cut down to your normal output level for the rest of the tournament. Secondly, if you're not enjoying yourself, what's the point? If it's purely for the RP bonus and you're not having fun at all, you're wasting your time. Ogle and I would be putting out around the level we are regardless of RP bonuses, because it passes the time and I would say personally, it's the closest thing to a "hobby" I actually have right now.

Something else is maybe you should stick to your own matches and devote more attention to them. Although your comical pictures of Tea Bags and guys eating steak make me laugh, a lot of the stuff that you're writing is just recapping what others have already posted and basically adding nothing new to the equation. By this I'm not saying you can't jump in to the other storylines going on in the group (and there are a LOT of them in Group 11), just to preferably add a new spin or build on it, instead of repeating it.

Even though you're obviously dedicating yourself to quantity, quality-wise, I can't remember you ever RPing better, so keep up the good work. Seriously, your Spaam RPs are the best I've seen you post ever.

Another note to all in Group 11: I seriously don't mind losing out to any of you. Usually I get pretty ticked off if someone who doesn't RP finishes ahead of me, because the World Cup is yet another opportunity to get creative with your roleplays, but if anyone in the group makes the World Cup, I honestly won't have a problem with it. That goes to everyone except Holy India. Man, if that Tea Bag wins, we gotta take him out back and beat the shit out of him.

http://drake.5p.org.uk/theweegies.jpg

OOC:Aw, but Spaam, I didn't get you anything...

(RP, hopefully much closer than Brazillico's, to be coming soon...)

Its ok.... I'm not going to do what I did last night again....
But I do want to keep the quality up. So maybe not so much irrelevant information....

Oh, and Weegies? If you're going to use that uniform, can you copy it to your own host? Ta :D

Somewhere in downtown Ianapalis, a door opened to admit a shadowy figure. He hurried across the smoke-filled expanse, over a rug that had once been a mighty Gallagan tiger, past coat hangers that stood like sentinels in the hazy darkness, to plop a sheet of paper down on the desk.

“Gaddland is proving to be quite the problem,” he hissed. “They made a mockery of the Ians; except for that game against Abysmalistan, they’ve gone unbeaten and untied so far. Do you know how much money we stand to lose if this keeps up?”

“Thank you, I am quite aware of the problem,” answered a voice that seemed to issue from the high-backed chair rather than any person who might be wallowing in its shadows. “The question now becomes one of what we are to do about it.”

“We could always have the bugs...swatted,” said the second man. His breath continued to come out through broken teeth sounding like a snake tasting the air about it.

“A noble proposition,” said the voice in the chair. “But sadly an inelegant and unworkable one. These insects are big, and I have of late found that many exterminators around here are terrible unreliable.” Snake-man gulped, but the chair-voice didn’t linger on that thought. “No, we need something that will attack the root of the problem, not prune its leaves. And, if you’d kindly hand me that address book, I think I have one in mind right now.”

---

Harbor City, Sentry Island
A third-floor walkup, sometime in the afternoon

Sam was pulling the darts from Edward Tarriff’s face in preparation of another round with them when he heard his phone ring in his outer office.

“Office of Dagger and Blaine, may I help you?” The sound of Jean’s voice was always enough to make Sam pause and just stand to listen for a moment, to soak up the glory of her inflection.

Humphrey Samuel Dagger - he hated his first name - cut a most imposing figure. He was quite six feet tall, above average for an Iansislean, and well formed. He had the sort of face anyone could fall in love with, though a long scar running from the bottom of his left ear to the left side of his mouth deformed it slightly. However, the thin white strip was more an honor stripe than an embarrassment, and it set off his hazel eyes and deep brown hair. He’d been able to have any girl he wanted between Harbor City and Nusheld; any, that is, except for the one that really mattered.

He sat down in the chair listening to Jean’s voice and started rolling himself a smoke. The tobacco, even if it was of a cheap Tharian brand rather than the fine Gallagan stuff he preferred, would be a welcome escape from the pressures of another ho-hum day. He knew who was on the other end of that phone call Jean was fielding; it was Mr. Clark, his landlord, or else Mr. Swekel, the big tough his bill collectors had hired.

Suddenly, the door to his inner office opened. Sam thought it must have been Miles and looked up in annoyance. However, it was Jean, and he arched an eyebrow. She crossed to his desk, sat on the edge, and licked his cigarette paper for him. “Phone for you, Sam.”

“Aw, doll,” he groaned. “You know I don’t want to talk to any of those jokers.”

“If you don’t talk to them soon, they might be getting funny with your face, Sam,” she said, lighting his cigarette for him. “Besides, it’s not a collector; it’s a job.”

“A job?” he asked, his eyes brightening. “Why didn’t you just say so, doll? Hand me that phone, will ya?”

“You’re incorrigible, Sam Dagger,” she said, but handed the phone over anyway with a flip of her black hair.

“Thanks, dear,” he smirked. “Hello?”

“Is this Humphrey S. Dagger, private eye?”

“Was when I woke up, mac. And I really like to go by Sam, thanks.”

“I think that Mr. Dagger should be fine, don’t you?” Sam narrowed his eyes. The voice on the other end of the phone was cold and calculating; he didn’t like this, not one little bit.

“I should think so. What can I help you with, Mr...?”

“Burkett will be fine. Mr. Dagger, do you follow football?” The seeming non sequitur threw Dagger for a loop.

“Out of the corner of my eye. Sentry Island is really a baseball sort of place. Why?”

“Perhaps you are aware that the Ians lost to Eaglet and Gaddland in their last two games?”

“I’ve heard something to that effect.”

“Well, my employer runs a large house of chance, if you catch my drift, and those games have been most unprofitable. Truth be told, someone took out a large bet on both countries right before the game.”

“You smell a fix.”

“You’re very perceptive, Mr. Dagger. Yes, we do suspect someone fixed both games. And now my boss would like it very much if you could get to the bottom of this. Before you even ask, if you catch the man responsible for this travesty, there’s twenty thousand generals in the pot for you. And that’s doubled if you catch him before the game against Abysmalistan.” Sam whistled softly.

“Suppose there was no fix, though,” he suggested. “What if they’re just having a bad run?”

“I suggest you start with Mr. Westmore, the team’s manager,” Burkett said. “I’ll be in touch, Dagger. Find our man.” And the line clicked dead.

Up studio lights. We can see a large television screen and sitting in front of it, two round, red figures. One is our host, Sam Squash. The other is the benovolent ruler of the Vegetable Kingdom of Evisceratomatoes, Nate E. Visser.

Sam: Hello and welcome to Jeruselem's Most Vicious Home Murders! Today we have a special treat for you. Why don't you tell the fruits at home all about it, Your Tart Majesty?

Nate: Gladly, my little horseradish. One of our agents in the Evisceratomato Liberation Army has been contracted to terminate a player in today's football match between Jeruselem and Oglethorpia. Earlier disinformation has concealed the player's name. I can reveal to you, my little pumpkins in the audience, that the assassination target is in fact Archy Ferdinand, a defender for the Oglethorpia Super-Duper Pooper-Scoopers.

Sam: Wanted for Crimes against vegetability, isn't he?

Nate: That's right, my carrot.

Sam: And we're beginning to get footage live via the Vegi-Cam implanted into the ELA agent's flesh.

(On screen, we can see through a reddish filter scenes of a semi-fertile land. Many people wear large crucifixes. Others are veiled. The picture jumps and we are inside a football stadium.)

Sam: A fine day for football. Thank the lord i don't have to call this match.

Guntur Ruak: Sport is the opiate of the masses. Only through the spirit of determination and the liberation of all species can--

(We hear a choking noise as the former coach of the Evisceratomatoes, Tanah Tarantula, Shelobs Obsession, and other non-human football teams, is dragged from the studio as suddenly as he appeared.)

Nate: And don't come back!

Sam: You've been criticized, Your Fierce yet Sweetness, for running up enormous deficits to fund the Evisceratomato Liberation Army.

Nate: There is no burden that we will not bear, to vanquish the evildoers who eat Evisceratomatoes. They are a clear and present danger to our way of life.

Sam: Did you serve in the Army yourself?

Nate: I ... er ... was in the Evisceratomato Air National Guard. Plenty of people saw me. Plenty. And i have the pay stubs to prove it.

Sam: But these aren't pay stubs, Your Good-with-Vinegar-and-Oiliness. These are nudie pictures of underage fruit.

Nate: Give me those. This station is clearly another example of liberal bias in the media.

Sam: I think the agent is making his move, Your Succulence. Yes, there it is. As the teams file off the pitch for half-time, our agent is making his charge. He is reaching splatter-frequency ... There's Archy Ferdinand in his sites ... the wind-up ....

(We see a terrified footballer looming in the middle of the screen, while a disembodied voice shrieks: "Nasty splattery death to Evisceratomato-eaters!" Archy Ferdinand looks terrified, as well he might. Suddenly a leg fills the screen. Splat. Everything goes red.)

Nate: Enduring vindication, my flowering rutabagas!

Sam: I'm not sure if that's a mission accomplished, Your Prematurely Rotting Greatness. Either our agent killed Mr. Ferdinand, or else he was out first, Leg Before Evisceratomato.

Will the brave footballer survive? Will the Fruit assassin complete his mission? Will Ken ever convince Deirdre to marry him? Only this station has the answers. Although Amalgamated may be along with The Facts.

The Green Mile:
Episode 7: A Scandal in Giant Zucchini

Mr Woo: Welcome back to our World Cup qualifying coverage, today we have the big game against Squornshelous here in Giant Zucchini. With me today is the great Sherlock Holmes. Well, it was actually supposed to be the elusive M.S.S., but he disappeared shortly after our missing striker Yew appeared. So, instead we have Mr Holmes, who was responsible for the reappearance of Yew, since we could find no one else.

Mr Holmes: You live in a different world to me, Mr Woo…a sweeter and healthier one. My ramifications stretch out into many sections of society, but never, I am happy to say, into sport, which is the best and soundest thing in the world.

Mr Woo: So, after the rediscovery of Yew, we have postponed the game to this early time today.

Mr Holmes: There can be no question, my dear Mr Woo, of the value of exercise before breakfast.

Mr Woo: And the whistle has blown and the game is underway.

27 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: Kerrnigit on the right flank, the cross, and Yew heads it in for the Zucchinis first goal.

Mr Holmes: It is a question of cubic capacity. A man with so large a brain must have something in it.

44 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: Luis Pavon on the ball, teasing Aargh, and Aargh with the tackle. That was a bit hard on Pavon, Aargh gets a yellow card and concedes the free kick.

Mr Holmes: Although he is absolutely devoid of reason, he is as tenacious as a bulldog when he once understands what he has to do.

Mr Woo: Knorr over the free kick, and a brilliantly taken one, the double swerve putting Oog on the wrong foot. Squornshelous has equalised!

Mr Holmes: What one man can invent, another can discover.

47 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: And the whistle blows to the end of a thrilling half.

Mr Holmes: This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie.

Mr Woo: Yet another amazing performance by the young Yew Sei Biu.

Mr Holmes: He's a fine fellow. But he has a struggle to keep up his position. He is far from rich, and has many calls. You noticed, of course, that his boots had been re-soled.

Mr Woo: I dare say that was an invasion of personal privacy. I must be careful when talking to you.

Mr Holmes: Beyond obvious facts that you are an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

Mr Woo: Erm, thank you for letting that out on national television. Anyway, the referee is about to start off the second half.

59 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: And it’s Urk retrieving the ball in his own half. He moves forward with great pace, keeping the defenders guessing, and he’s past the defence! And he goes for the shot from way out! And it’s in! Hits the underside of the crossbar with great pace and bend into the net! Allen didn’t have a chance.

Hr Holmes: It is art for art's sake.

77 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: Urk on the ball, dispatches the ball into the box, and Yew pokes home his second of the morning! He was unmarked there.

Mr Holmes: It is stupidity rather than courage to refuse to recognise danger when it is close upon you.

Mr Woo: Indeed. The Zucchinis 3-1 up.

91 minutes on the clock...

Mr Woo: And that is the end of the match. The Zucchinis 3-1 winners over Squornshelous. Urk once again sealing matters with a brilliant goal after half time and a precise assist after that.

Mr Holmes: Results without causes are much more impressive.

Mr Woo: Um, right. Thank you, Mr Holmes, for being with us today and taking time off from your busy schedule.

Mr Holmes: Mr Woo, I think my quiet rest in this country has been a distinct success and I shall certainly return, much invigorated, to Baker Street tomorrow.

Mr Woo: And to you at home, do join us for our next match in Rinkeby. Until then, goodbye.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities/Clubs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Curious George
The Complete Bushisms (http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=76886)
Alan Shearer
Newcastle United
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter
HomeRun
Money No Enough
That One No Enough
I Not Stupid
Sherlock Holmes
Quotes from Sherlock Holmes (http://www.bcpl.net/~lmoskowi/HolmesQuotes/quotes.html)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: A Scandal in Bohemia
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of Black Peter
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Cardboard Box
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Dancing Men
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor
Sherlock Holmes: The Naval Treaty
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Norwood Builder
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Red Circle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Retired Colourman
Sherlock Holmes: The Final Problem
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Speckled Band
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Reigate Squire

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Jeruselem win overshadowed by evil evisceratomato
Wonderteam secures away win -- in the shadow of a near-assassination attempt on fullback Ferdinand

By Bill Christmas

JERUSELEM (BT) -- Oglethorpia's Wonderteam flew into Jeruselem on matchday five, and it was the first time since the Bureaucratic States had checked that Israel's capital of Jeruselem became a sovereign nation. Nevertheless, the Wonderteam went to duke it out against a fired up Jeruselem side playing before their own enigmatic home crowd.

Most Wonderteam fans who had made the long range journey to support their team playing away to Jeruselem were surprised to see Oglethorpian defender Archy Ferdinand starting, despite injuries suffered to the face against an away match against the unfavored Holy India Tea Bag.

Oglethorpia would get moving early on in the match, Fernando Green setting up Kirk Calhoun -- an inside foot shot was saved by a diving KEEPER HERE, a strong Jeruselem defense easily clearing Fernando Green's corner kick. Minutes later an offensive run led by hometeam team captain Harry Kewell nearly put one past Wonderteam goalkeeper Yamamoto-san; unlucky bounce on the crossbar would give the Oglethorpian keeper the goal kick which was prompty sent to midfield.

The midfield saw the most action of the match, making up the bulk of the first half, until the 41st minute saw an eventual breakthrough for Oglethorpia's offense. Once again a talented midfield stripped the ball of Jeruselem, moving it forward with admirable efficiency - Torrence Black in the corner of the field played the ball into the air, headed into the back of the net by Jorge White in centerfield -- finally in the 41st, giving Oglethorpia a 1-nil lead.

Nothing of note would happen until the half-time whistle was blown -- a confident Guy Picciotto was proud so-far with a leading Wonderteam.

The players going into half-time, all seeming routine -- that is, until a brazen sentient evisceratomato came barelling towards a frightened Archy Ferdinand -- it took a sliding Baltasar Grey to cause the evisceratomato to explode only a few steps before Ferdinand, possibly saving him from the black foot of the Vegetable Kingdom nationalist. Baltasar Grey himself survived, albeit with minor wounds -- though he was in no playing shape at all.

After the extended half-time saw Ferdinand and Grey leave the field in fair condition, the second half would begin with substitutes Jim Green and Rick Brown filling in for the two fullbacks taken out of the match following the happenings at halftime.

Secuirity gave the match a clean bill of health, and the Vegatable Kingdom nationalist's crimson remains cleaned off the green pitch. Only minutes later in the 59th Torrence Black would score his own solo goal from just outside the goalie's box, a fine shot into the low left corner of the net.

Jorge White scored his second to secure a 3-nil win in the 67th, a quick turn around from a Fernando Green pass shooting right under the crossbar -- full-time saw the solidification of Oglethorpia's 3-nil win away against Jeruselem, but obviously in clear in their minds was the near death of Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand -- and the orchestrated scheme to try and bring it all about.

Speculation roams free, but as the attempt on Ferdinand's life is not even yet a day old, official reports have yet to be filed and conclusions drawn.

More on Ferdinand's near-death experience as it comes.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 3 (J. White 41st, 67th, T. Black 59th)
Jeruselem - 0

OOC- I only have time to do a newspaper recap of the game, instead of my typical news interview.


IC-

TUCK HELPS ONE RED DOT SLIP PAST WARRIORS

The wanted streaker Henry Tuck made an appearance at the House of Prayer during the 46th minute of the Warriors match against World Cup powerhouse, One Red Dot. The Dottians held a 2-0 lead at the time after converting penalty kicks in the 13th and 33rd minutes. They were the first goals that the Warriors had conceded before the last ten minutes of a match in this Cup. When Tuck appeared on the field, the fans raced out onto the field to give chase (OOC-streaking is illegal in Praying2God) to the criminal. Tuck quickly realized that he needed to find a place to hide, so he ducked into a nearby appartment building. Fortunately for Tuck, nobody at the game could get into the apartment building. However, they have surrounded the building, waiting for Tuck to come out. Occasionally there have been shreeks heard from the building, proving that Tuck is still streaking through the halls of the building trying to find a hiding place. The match was called (and the match deemed official) because the field was rendered unplayable when the 90,000 in attendance stormed the field to chase after Tuck.


PRAYING2GOD 0

One Red Dot 2 <player> (13th minute, pen), <player> (33rd minute, pen)


Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 5 of 14 matches):
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 3-1-1, 10 points, +7 GD
Grand Master Mark 3-2-0, 9 points, +3 GD
Commerce Heights (15) 2-0-3, 9 points, +3 GD
One Red Dot (11) 2-1-2, 8 points, +4 GD
Patinhas 2-2-1, 7 points, -3 GD
PRAYING2GOD (74) 1-2-2, 5 points, -2 GD
The Master Cooper 0-2-3, 3 points, -5 GD
Costa Lot 0-3-2, 2 points, -7 GD

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Ferdinand scare culimates in retirement
After Wonderteam fullback's brush with a member of the ELA, Ferdinand calls it quits

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Enter Archy Ferdinand -- victim of a near assination attempt by the Evisceratomato Liberation Army, a group of nationalists hailing from the nation of the Vegatable Kingdom of Evsiceratomatoes. The radical sentient evisceratomatoes happen to idolize mad scientists, and recently, transformed pudgy evisceratomato, Nate E. Visser -- wisest of the evisceratomatoes, believed to have been behind the ELA plot to kill Ferdinand.

Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand starred in a pro-evisceratomato advert, which he adlibbed speaking inflammatory words against the Vegatable Kingdom, calling on Oglethorpia to eliminate it as a threat to spreading mad evisceratomatoes. His pleas for military action no doubt ruffled feathers in the Free Vegetable Patch of the sentient Evisceratomatoes.

What the Widespread Nationwide Police has learned in the aftermath of the attempt on Ferdinand's life in the match vs. Jeruselem is a scheme that runs deep -- Agent 00Evisto of the Eviseratomato Liberation Army remained hidden in the Bureaucratic States under the guise of the popular Consolidated Foods mascot Billy Evisceratomato, his identity questioned by no one, allowing him to carry out his mission with ease.

As half time was reached in the Wonderteam's match vs. Jeruselem, Agent 00Evisto came barelling out onto the field, only stopped from reaching Ferdinand by his fellow fullback Baltasar Grey -- his efforts saving Ferdinand from any wounds, though putting himself in the hopistal for at least a month.

Following the events on matchday five, Ferdinand announced the end of his international career after only five matches with the Oglethorpian Wonderteam.

"That's dangerous shit," commented the Wonderteam fullback with no regard to decency on the press release broadcasted live. "I'm not going to risk anything more playing international football and pissing off self-aware fruits."

When informed evisceratomatoes were actually vegetables, Ferdinand grew more agitated. "Fruits, vegetables, what's the f***ckin' difference? If they're sentient, they're dangerous all the same."

Baltasar Grey is in fair condition in Polyesterhampton General Hospital -- he says he'll be supporting the Wonderteam watching their match(es) on TV, just a few miles away in Consolidated Stadium. Grey will be out for at least a month, which will likely be the rest of qualifying -- replacing his spot will be substitute Jim Green.

No word yet on Ferdinand's replacement in light of the fullback's retirement from the Wonderteam.

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Nikea Continues Run
Away Win At Aquilla Gives Nikeans Excitement
by Markenin Markenel

AQUILLA(NP) - Not many gave the Pandas a chance this year. With the retirement of many veteran players following the debacle of four years ago, even the most diehard Nikean football fan had to believe that the now 36th ranked Pandas were ranked too highly for their own talent, as the team only now had 4 players who were of legal adult age. However, 5 matchdays into qualifying for World Cup XII, the Pandas are at the top of their group and surprising everyone. With an away fixture at 6th ranked Aquilla next on the card, however, many felt that the Pandas had run into a brick wall. A home victory against the 22nd ranked side in the world was outstanding; an away result against a top 10 team was asking too much, according to many football analysts.

The team that has captured the attention of many Nikeans still managed to surprise the country yesterday with a 2-1 victory over Aquilla. The home side struck first, however, as was the case in the match two matches ago with Vozvyshennost. A cross from an Aquillan midfielder found the foot of a streaking left forward, who left Darinen Feretel frozen on his feet. Many, including the fans in the stadium, felt that the beginning of the rout was on.

The Pandas drew level, however, off a Midorin Torendel free kick from 21 yards out. The ball eluded everyone on its way to the net, and suddenly, about 7 minutes from the half, the Pandas seemed to grow a fire underneath them. Only the half-time whistle saved the home side from going 2- or even 3-1 down.

The momentum continued in the second half, when Nikea continued to press. Jeserin Keseteretel, the 16-year-old SF Miserias prospect, lost his glasses deep in the Aquillan box. As he bent down to pick them up, a Fyren Okimatel cross hit the bent over youngster, careened off his head, and left the committed Aquillan keeper with no chance at a stop. Keseteretel had to be taken off the field for a few minutes to recover, but his goal was the difference as the Pandas shocked everyone by winning 2-1.

"I didn't even have to promise them anything, this time," Jaskalainen Tenerethitel said following the match. "Well, I did buy them pizza and gave them each 8 tokens for the hotel arcade, but that's a lot less than what I usually have to do. I think the players really want to play now, they just need a little extra motivational boost."

The win leaves the Pandas three points ahead of Aquilla, and five points ahead of The Lowland Clans at the top of the Group 1 standings. Their tougher tests are behind them for now, as they now finish the first half of the qualifying round with two of the bottom feeders of Group 1, Wella and Magus Valerius. Nikean FA President, Yeserin Orsentel, who was in attendance at the game, said that the team "shouldn't get too cocky and arrogant about themselves. But nothing is wrong with just a LITTLE arrogance."

Also spotted at the match was the 19-year-old blonde bombshell, actress Jenninrë Mortethel. She has been spotted with the 18-year-old Nikea and SF Miserias keeper Darinen Feretel on many occasions, and the two are rumoured to be more than just friends. More on that story as details emerge, but you won't find that sort of garbage in the sports section. Turn to Terin Lesetel's column in the Entertainment section of the Hikari for that kind of stuff, if you're like Lesetel and are into that sort of thing. I always thought Lesetel was a bit "that way", if you get what I'm saying, but don't let that stop you from satisfying that feminine side of you that just has to know what's going on in people's private lives. Some of you people........

[code:1:c2e435038f]
Aquilla 1 (<player> 21)
v.
Nikea 2 (Torendel 32, Keseteretel 65)
[/code:1:c2e435038f]

The World Cup Group 6 Update

Liverpool England Lose AGAIN, Dominic Dirosa dominates match:
Decaltré Jomans in Alan City for The Belmore Family 1 Liverpool England 0

The Belmore Family 1 (Dirosa 33 og, Nathan Massita m/pen 55)
Liverpool England 0 (Dirosa m/pen 44, 67, sent off 90+1)


Writing this from my hotel desk in Alan City, I get the feeling that the national team has gotten their enthusiasm knocked out of them. And oh-so-unfortunately, the team has lost yet another two World Cup winners - Mark Hearne has finally hung up his gloves and boots, and Paul Dussis - manager, or now, ex-manager, of Liverpool England has made good his word to resign.

You must wonder how the team which oh-so-gloriously managed a first and third placed finish at World cup 8 and World Cup 9 so long ago managed to coach such a team of losers. And guess what. Dominic Dirosa stole the limelight - again. An own goal, two missed penalties and a red card.

The match went relatively smoothly for the first half hour, nothing going wrong - until Dirosa slipped the ball past Hearne somehow after 33 minutes. And, when Liverpool England won a penalty after Steven Blackwell went down in the box (a bit easily), Dirosa wanted to make up for his earlier mistake, and took it. WHAM - over the bar, to cheers from the home fans and groans of the visitors.

At half time, the score oh-so-blatantly stood: 1-0, The Belmore Family. As the match re-started, it became clear that Liverpool England were t attack if they wanted anything from the game. However, they received another slap in the face - Hearne bringing down Gordan Sumas for a TBF penalty. Luckily for the visitors, the penalty miss kept them in the game. Or so they thought.

Barely 10 minutes later, Dirosa was at the spot again. And again, he blasted his penalty over the bar. Disgruntled, it is rumoured that it was right then Paul dussis left to hand his resignation to the FA. And worse still, or maybe good for them, Dirosa got sent off in stoppage time, earning a four-game suspension for violent conduct, a charge which the team will appeal against.

Caddy Cannon takes over as manager with immediate effect.

The Belmore Family 1 Liverpool England 0 Full Time.

KM: ...which appears to legally belong to the ocelot, who was not available for comment. Meanwhile, in sports news, the Ravenspire Ravens shored up their shaky record by tallying a much-needed second win. Here with further commentary is Michael Black. Mike?

MB: Thank you, Kath. The Ravens faced off against NASTIC 2 today, making this their first win this year against a veteran of the Cup. The team seems a bit more confident on the field now, although the offense is still on the weak side... even more so than historically.

KM: The defense seems to be re-emerging, though.

MB: Indeed. Today marked the return of long-time keeper Autumn Mistmarch to the net, and she managed to deflect everything the NASTIC side threw her way.

KM: Is it true that she's retiring after this year?

MB: It's not set in stone, Kath, but she recently became engaged to Scarlet Shizura, a CI/CT officer and, as I understand it, a childhood friend. And she's said in the past that marriage would probably mean retirement for her. All the fans will have to hope Sui-Ling finds someone worthy of replacing her, if she does leave the sport.

KM: As she filled Zhen Bao's position. I'm sure everyone wishes her the best.

MB: She's a quiet woman, but she seemed almost driven, that first year. She wasn't the only one who shone in this match, though. Our crimson and black scored both goals thanks to the efforts of Seth Black, who began as a starting striker in the previous World Cup. Here's the first goal, near the end of the first half... you can see Crystal on the left there, in possession, with two NASTIC defenders closing in. Then it's a pass... nearly intercepted there... but Seth swoops in to take it. He shoots almost immediately, off his left foot... the keeper's got his fingertips on it, but it's not enough. The ball deflects into the post, then into the goal.

KM: The other goal wasn't quite so dramatic.

MB: No, but it looked like it might be. This is the start of the second half. Seth takes possession and drives straight into the NASTIC half of the pitch. It looks like they weren't expecting that. A little passing there... some back and forth changes as the midfield and defense step up to try to take it back. There you see Seth break out of that cluster of players with the ball, lining up to shoot...

KM: And there's a defender lunging from the left to intercept. But he's misjudged and tripped Seth, and the referee calls the penalty. Seth converts the goal.

MB: There was an impressive drive late in the game as well, with Seth passing to Crystal, and only the keeper between her and the goal. It seemed like a great opportunity, but their keeper was on the ball, no pun intended.

KM: Caught it. That was a nice jump, though. And that wraps up our report for tonight. Join us tomorrow for further analysis of the game, and don't forget, next week we broadcast the action live.

Kathryn Malley and Michael Black, reporting for RNN

D2R Times

Result Expected. Goal Wasn't

D2R didn't expect to win Kingsford. Something else that they didn't expect happened in the 11th minute. Vivid had a hopeful shot from 35 yards, which took a deflection of a defender crossed the line. D2R supporters did not make any noise for the next 5 minutes, still shocked by what was shown on the scoreboard; Dance 2 Revolution 1 - 0 Kingsford. D2R dominated the first half, Kingsford only getting 3 shots in the first half. Kingsford came out to second half with a very attacking strategy, with a new formation of 2-4-4. This worked to Kingsford's advantage, D2R never seemed to get the ball out of their own half. Kingsford scored two headed goals off corners(53, 69 minutes) and one stylish overhead kick(81st minute). At the end, D2R fans weren't dissappointed. The match was a good match. And they could cheer as D2R lead for 43 minutes. A very good match, not at all even. The result was expected, have a 1 at the end of D2R wasn't.

Final Score: Dance 2 Revolution 1 - 3 Kingsford

Well I was going to post, but Oglethorpia's post covered just about everything.

SNOOP NATIONALE
Sticking our noses where it shouldn’t be, since 1933

Meren Luin’s Eating Disorder

It appears that Spaamanian star striker Meren Luin has been suffering of an eating disorder. In this recent picture taken at a banquet in honour of Spaam’s national side, Luin looked, pale, sickly and ready to doze off at a moment’s notice, as well as being unhealthily thin along side alleged beau, Finrod Surion. Luin barely ate a thing at the “All you can eat” smorgasbord, opting for a salad no bigger than the size of a fist, which she merely picked at and refused to eat any part of it which wasn’t lettuce.

The reason for this recent crash diet appears to be more than football. Finrod Surion was quoted as saying two years ago, “I like petite women, the slightest ounce of fat for me is an absolute turn-off”. Whatever this change in lifestyle has to do with, it is seriously affecting Luin’s game, as she looked terribly anemic on the training pitch, being outmuscled off literally every ball since the Spaamanians have been in Brazillico.

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,320003,00.jpg
Meren Luin(right) has seen better days

Willy the Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat Gets Dancing Lessons

After failing to collect a home win in their first three games, Willy the Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat has decided to get professional help. Willy has recently been seen frequenting Dance Tyme studios, where he is allegedly working on his bachelor’s degree majoring in Showmanship and a minor in Roller Disco.

“It’s not so much that he’s gotten worse,” said manager Dr. Horatio Cosmo, “It’s just that the competition has gotten better. We had a meeting after The BSE Free Bovines match and we both agreed that it would be best if he took some classes to sharpen his skills.”

Willy the Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat was rumored to be on the chopping block after his recent lack of success in home games, with management considering Harry the Six-Foot Long Hot Dog and Wolfgang the Emancipated Walrus as his potential replacements.

In the most recent halftime dance-off against The Big Weegie, Willy lost in a close battle, putting up a valiant fight against the veteran Weegies mascot.

“The Big Weegie is one of the best at his craft,” said Dr. Cosmo after the dance-off, “We saw Willy put on a good show and there’s definitely no shame in losing to [The Big Weegie]. Willy’s our guy and we’re going to stick behind him until he’s no longer part of the national program.”

Love Blooms in Brazillico’s Locker Room

The rumor mill is blowing winds of love, as it appears Brazillico’s first woman international, Lisa Cannon (19 years old), may indeed be dating defensive midfielder, Maracana (22 years old). We first began to speculate on this budding romance, when the two were sighted together at the Brazillico Achievement for Success in Sport Awards (BASS). At the event, Lisa Cannon won a BASS as female athlete of the year.

“To the best of my knowledge, they’re just good friends, really good friends,” said Filipo Cannon, a childhood pal of Lisa and roommate of Maracana. “The two have been growing closer, but I don’t think anything… ya know… has happened yet.”

Lisa Cannon and Tom Maracana met each other at the Founding Nation’s Cup four years ago in Spaam, as part of the U-19 team which brought home the silver medal. Rumors of this Cannon-Maracana liaison have been flying about for the past two months and it was only this past weekend that the two have been seen together so candidly.

http://entimg.msn.com/i/gal/2004_Grammys_Arrivals/KylieMinog_Mazur_2177756_600_300x435.jpg
Lisa Cannon and Tom Maracana at the BASS Awards

OOC

Kylie and Delta, nice. Now where's Holly Valance?

IC

Jeruselem Government News

Kewell out after 3-0 loss to Oglethorpia

Jeruselem posted it's first loss of World Cup XII after being bundled out of the way by Oglethorpia 3 to NIL. To make matters worse, Captain Kewell was injured during the match and could be out for 3 matches. Former Captain David Becks was confirmed as new captain.

Becks had a poke at retiring Oglethorpia defender Archy Ferdinand. "I don't know about being threatened by rotten fruit and veg, but locals use guns here so he got off lightly. I've ducked many a RPG and few bullets from hostile fans."

Police handed Archy Ferdinand's attempted assasin to the Inquisition for questioning. A Jeruselem fan had commented "He's going home ... in a coffin".

Oglethorpia - 3 (J. White 41st, 67th, T. Black 59th)
Jeruselem - 0

David Becks
http://www.yrl.co.uk/~gonzalo/rm/plantilla/beckham.jpg

OOC- Kylie and Delta, nice. Now where's Holly Valance?

OOC- Delta? I thought that was Jay-Z! :lol:

New Security Measures Announced for Silver Flame Arena

Recent Events prompt change

After the Steak toss, the Evisceratomato Assault, blimp explosions, and rampant reports of nude streakers everywhere, the Minister of Security has announced the following new restrictions to ensure teh safetly of the players and fans.

1. All food substances will not be allowed in the Stadium. Food is on sale at concession stands inside the stadium.

2. During Oglethorpia matches, all Evisceratomatoes will not be allowed into the stadium.

3. Parents will be given face shields for small children in case a streaker tries to strike.

4. Air Space over the Silver Flame Stadium will be restricted from 3 hours before the game unitl 2 hours after the game. The only exception will be WCC registered craft.

These rules go into effect with todays match against group leading Oglethorpia.

((OOC: this group is great. funny as all heck. I have NO idea what an evisceratomoto is, but you guys are great. ))

Welcome to Evening Sport and Entertainment on BSE television. I am your host Talkin Head Maxx. This evening we start off with football news. Group 11 qualifying was marred by two terrible incidents today.

First in Brazillico, we have news that a television network blimp was attacked by military jets and exploded in midair apparently killing all aboard. Brazillico Television was attempting to use a blimp to cover the match between Brazillico and The Weegies, which was being played in a closed stadium due to WCC sanctions imposed on Brazillico following the steak throwing incident involving our mascot Horace. The blimp's explosion also distracted the Brazillico defense thus allowing The Weegies to score two goals on the road and win their first match in qualifying.

In Jeruselem, Archy Ferdinand, defender for the Oglethorpian Wonderteam, was attacked by an evisceratomato during the match against the Crusaders. One of Archy's mates apparently took the brunt of the assault as he slid into the evil fruit before it could reach Ferdinand. After the match, Archy Ferdinand announced his retirement from football. The Wonderteam did not appear terribly upset by the incident as they dispatched the Crusaders 3-nil.

The Bovines continued their tough run in Group 11 today, losing 2-nil at The Eagles Nest. Horace did not make the trip on the advice of team doctors. His absence was noticed almost immediately as the Bovines appeared flat and listless. Only a number of brilliant saves from Devon, kept the Strike Birds off the scoreboard in the first half. In the second half, did not fare any better and confusion between the keeper Devon and central defender led to an own goal in the 54th minute. The Strike Eagles scored their second goal in the 66th minute. This time the Strike Birds showed some innovation as their keeper dribble the ball out of his box and down the field. The keeper was able to send the ball deep into Bovine territory to Gratunia who combined nicely with Josh Adams for the score.

Our reporter on the scene is J. Michael Brangus. He caught up with Coach Galloway after the match.

JMB: Coach Galloway can I ask you a few questions?

CG: Sure, J. Michael fire away?

JMB: The team seemed very distracted today, can you comment on that, coach?

CG: Well the abscence of Horace did leave some of our lads feeling out of sorts. Horace inspires us, sometimes he is the only one cheering us on. It is tough when you don't have that boost especially on the road.

JMB: How would you rate the team's performance today?

CG: Well, as I said before we were distracted. I think Devon played a great game, even though he was partly responsible for the own goal, he also made a number of saves that kept the score at 2-nil. It could have been much worse. The rest of the team did not perform well at all, the defense allowed too many chances, and the midfield and forwards were lackluster for the most part.

JMB: How would you rate the Strike Eagles performance today?

CG: They played a great game. Remember a few matches ago, I said that the big fish in this group had to watch out for the minnows otherwise one of the little guys was going to rise up and surprise them? Well at least for now the Strike Eagles could be the minnow that gets by the big fish.

JMB: Thanks Coach Galloway. Now back to the studio.

From a phone recording in Brazillico to the alleged Opis Earl, in Kingsford.

HT: Opis, it's Henry.

OE: Hey, what's going on? I hear you went to Praying2God.

HT: No, I'm in Brazillico right now.

OE: Brazillico? How'd you get there?

HT: I took the flight out of Alotion.

OE: So who's this guy who streaked in Praying2God?

HT: I dunno, I guess I have followers.

OE: Well I'd be careful, the Sheriff of Crimpton County is out for you.

HT: That clown? There's not a chance that he'd ever catch me.

OE: Well be careful buddy.

HT: Alright, take care.

OE: Bye.

Suffering from a nasty case of verbal diarrhea, Brazillico's manager has pencilled in the following changes for the upcoming game against Spaam.

"Tom Maracana will get his first start in place of Kilkenny," said the manager, "Kilkenny's had a bit of a nagging injury and Maracana's been sharp as of late, so he'll be a starter against Spaam. McCafferty has looked a little lethargic of late, so his starting place will go to Joao Cannon. I'm also going to sit Salazar out for this one, as he let in some weak goals due to some fatal lapses in concentration. It'll be a game time decision whether Lisa Cannon or Robinho will be the one to replace him."

Should Lisa Cannon play in the upcoming match, it would be the first time that all Cannon kids played on the highest level of international football together, as well as the first time a woman starts for Brazillico. Cannon has shown good form in practise to date and is coming off a good season with the San Diego Iguanas. Robinho is the rising star keeper for Los Vallejo FC, where he won the Serie A's Goalkeeper of the Year award and has also been very sharp in practise. Many experts have argued that Brazillico is as deep as any team in the tournament when it comes to play between the pipes.

[code:1:ca342ab754]HOME AWAY
Brazillico 1 – The Eagles Nest 1 T
Brazillico 1 – Jeruselem 1 T
Holy India 1 – Brazillico 4 W
BSE Free Bovines 0 – Brazillico 2 W
Brazillico 0 – The Weegies 2 L
Brazillico - Spaam
Oglethorpia - Brazillico
The Eagles Nest - Brazillico
Jerusalem - Brazillico
Brazillico - Holy India
Brazillico - BSE Free Bovines
The Weegies - Brazillico
Spaam - Brazillico
Brazillico - Oglethorpia[/code:1:ca342ab754]

OOC: Sorry for the split post, but you understand, I'm at school as of current, and since classes change, it's hard to stay in one place.

Henry Tuck hung up the phone. In the past while, he had ventured from Kingsford, to Oglethorpia, to Brazillico. And what's even better, people were imitating him. He was a national celebrity. He hung up the phone in Brazillico, and took a cab back to his hotel room.

"Where might I take you today?"

"Cacao Hotel"

"Don't I know you from somewhere?"

Tuck shifted uncomfortably.

"Yeah, you're that sheriff guy, Crimpton County right?"

He gave a sigh of relief.

"Yeah, that's me, how'd you know?"

"I can always tell a Kingsforder. I grew up there."

"Is that right?"

"Yeah, in Beaubien."

"I'm not familliar with that village."

"Northwest Tar Hollow County."

"Not many people around Tar Hollow."

"No sir. We had to go Aberwyvern to get our mail every month."

"Yeah... right... look, I'm a little short on cash, can I write a check?"

"I can charge it to your government account."

"Even better."

"What's your account number?"

"30-02"

"You'll get the bill in the mail."

"Thanks."

"Well, here we are. It's been good talking to you."

"Yeah, same."

Tuck got off at the hotel and the cabbie drove off. 'What a hick.' Tuck muttered to himself. He didn't have any reservations, but he planned to streak at the upcoming Brazillico match, so he'd need a place to stay. He walked up, the clerk seemed bored and annoyed that she had to work.

"Hello, welcome to the Cacao Hotel. Do you have a reservation?"

"No, I need a room."

"One second."

She rocketed away at the keyboard, and in a few seconds, she looked up and said:

"We have a room available. What currency will you be paying in?"

"Kingsford Dollars."

"Alright, that'll be $71 Kingsford Dollars."

"Can I charge it to my government account?"

"What's your number?"

"30-02."

"You'll get the bill in your mail."

"Super."

"Here's your key Mr...."

"I'm the Sheriff of Crimpton County."

"Sheriff."

"Uh... yeah... look, I'm gonna go to my room now, ok?"

"Ok, Mr. Sheriff."

He started walking away, looking over his shoulder, until he darted into a full run towards the lift. He got up to his room and laid on the bed. This would mark his third country he'd streaked at. He'd be an international celeberity.

Wahrheit
The only truth

Timway finally appeared

Headquarter After waiting for the referee and the opponent team Timway Stalag 5 were pretty tired and so was their kind of playing. It is obvious that the WCC and Timway conspired against Stalag 5, because our glorious team was unexpected leader in Group 3. After the match we have been still unbeaten but lost first place to Warnock Wizards, member of WCC. Timway scored by two penalties, both shortly given, after Stalag 5 had scored. Nevertheless noone expected that Stalag 5 would be such a surprise in WC XII.

Final Scoring:
STALAG_5 2
Ungeheuer Heim (18th)
Flankengott Kramer (86th)
TIMWAY 2
<player 7> (19th pen., 87th pen.)

Mattigool Sports

Gools lose against rival

(Goolsund) It was the bitter taste of defeat against rival CC last night at Goolsund. As expected Creedence Clearwater played with a very strong man marking defense - CC's special result is a draw, in MRC they lost only two matches of 12, won 3 and 8 draws. Although the Gools tried to break the well organized defense and the offside trap, they scored just once. Kristensen's shot from a tight angle was succsesful in 76th minute. But at that time it was nothing more than a consolidation goal, because Barney Bootleg and Paul "Praud" Mary scored for Creedence before when they finished two of the dangerous CC counterattacks with success. The Gools find themselves now next to last place, a position they are used to.

Final Scoring:
MATTIGOOL 1
Kristensen (76th)
CREEDENCE CLEARWATER 2
Barney Bootleg (34th)
Paul "Praud" Mary (62nd)

"The Penguin" OS Installed By PariMedia, Company Returns To Business As Usual
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - With the very existance of Microcosm hanging in the balance, PariMedia's publishing computers have been switched to the open-source Penguin OS, allowing them to return to work. Here is the recap of the World Cup matches we missed before:
Gesamtkuntswerk 1 Commerce Heights 3
Where most expected yet another draw, a win was delivered by the Bulldogs with goals by Quigley (19), Sherwood (29), and McCormick (60). The Sturms managed one goal in the 44th, but they were unable to get anything done after that, and the Bulldogs got their first win of WC12.
Commerce Heights 1 Patinhas 0
Though the result wasn't particularly surprising, the method of the goal was. A malfunction in the stadium lighting had slowed the light emitted by the spoltights enough to cause the light to have a very small mass, which acted on the ball and caused it to implode in the goal after Zaidi's kick. The ball was given a 1-match suspension, leaving 2 balls suspended for the next match against Grand master Mark.

The Red Dot Informant

Wins Keep Wolves Near Top in Close Group

It was a opportunity not to be wasted when the One Red Dot Wolves were set to be against Partinhas, Praying2God and Costa Lot. However, the first chance was squandered with a 0-1 loss. The Wolves recovered at the Royal Burrington Stadium, and beat Coata Lot 3-0. A 2-0 win against Praying2God soon followed today.

The next match will be against The Master Cooper, and possibly yet another win for the Wolves.


In other sports-related news, Channel 7 has also decided to cut some of the Sports funding and move it to the Reality TV after the start of filming of NationStates Survivor.

Essential World Cup Information

World Cup 12, Group 12:
[code:1:ec52087e38]Team P W D L F A GD Pts
Gesamtkuntswerk 5 3 1 1 13 5 8 10
Commerce Heights 5 2 3 0 7 4 3 9
Grand Master Mark 5 3 0 2 7 5 2 9
One Red Dot 5 2 2 1 7 3 4 8
Patinhas 5 2 1 2 4 7 -3 7
Praying2God 5 1 2 2 4 6 -2 5
The Master Cooper 5 0 3 2 4 9 -5 3
Costa Lot 5 0 2 3 4 11 -7 2[/code:1:ec52087e38]

Match Fixtures Days 6~14
One Red Dot v The Master Cooper @ Dorona Stadium
Grand Master mark v One Red Dot @ Grand master mark
One Red Dot v Commerce Heights @ Hyder Stadium
Gesamtkuntswerk v One Red Dot @ Gesamtkuntswerk
One Red Dot v Patinhas @ Gweridijong Town Stadium
Coasta Lot v One Red Dot @ Costa Lot
One Red Dot v Praying2God @ Chisai’nihon Stadium
The Master Cooper v One Red Dot @ The Master Cooper
One Red Dot v Grand Master mark @ Royal Red Dot Nation Stadium

All tickets can be bought at your local ORDOTIX counters. Prices subjected to locale. All matches can also be watched 'live' on Channel 7.

Liberal Republic of Alex The Tall sports news of the day

Hello everybody here is Alex Marginal for you're sports news on chanel 52. After 2 big wins our Patriots comes out whit a big tie game so in 3 matchs we have no loosing game.

Here is a fan of our Patriots in the WC12: Yeah, I am very happy to see that our team is very competitive i wish that the will continue this way and to bring us a big gift after the tournament. .

This is just one of more than a million of Tallest soccer fan...

This was Alex Marginal for the "Patriots" sports news.

Well I was going to post, but Oglethorpia's post covered just about everything.

Heh...uh, thanks?

I'm sure two people can post a RP of the same match and still provide somethin' to be seen...or something... :wink:

Ankh-Morpork C-mail
Cockbill Street Department

Mediocre Campaign Continues
Point Against Loobis Followed By Insane Loss

After a bird flying around on the pitch helped Cockbill Street to a draw against the Lubistani, by deflecting a shot made by Cockbill Street striker Tungsten-carbide into the goal, Cockbill Street faced Total n Utter Insanity. A team feared all across the NationStates world for their so-called "piss-take" tactics, they have dominated group eight since the start of the qualifying campaign.

And it started well on the Vimesbairn National. Cockbill Street got through on the left side after a good raid by Bjorn (you probably know his surname by now), but his cross was apparently just behind the line, according to linesman Alan Belmore.

However, the Insanicians quickly came back with some excellent passes that set up a corner kick. There was that bloke who has made Insanician headlines for quite a while, who headed in the first goal after only eight minutes, and the 150,000-strong crowd let out a sigh in unison.

It got worse. A long shot from, guess who, nearly beat Jorn Axewielder in goal, but luckily he got his hand to it and tipped it over the bar. And only minutes later, a free kick from the man himself hit the post.

It was obvious that the defence was struggling, especially due to Chalky struggling, and he was replaced with World Cup debutant Hroar Goldminer. That helped a bit, at least on the left side, but it was still wide open, as, yes, you thought right, proved late in the first half as he weaved through the central defense only to be fouled by Helen Carpenter. The ensuing free-kick was of course taken by, yes, you guessed it, whose shot hit the underside of the bar and went in.

After that, the Insane team actually were clever enough to withdraw into their own half and defend their lead. It could have proved risky, though, because Cockbill Street got their game back in the second half with some lovely passing play. However, they always stopped on the Insanician defenders, led by, yes, you guessed it, he's back in defense as well. However, a throw-in from Calcite found the head of Tungsten-carbide, and Cockbill Street got the consolational goal ten minutes from time. They subsequently tried to press on for another goal, substituting Adam Petisha for Greg Pollock to play in an unusual 3-3-4 formation. However, the closest they got to a goal was Pollock's shot that grazed the backside of, yes, that bloke again, and drifted outside the far post.

C-mail ratings for Lubistan game: J Axewielder 5 - Chalky 4, Carpenter 4 (Chalky 5 on 49), Johnson 6 - B Axewielder 4, Calcite 5, Hauritz 4 (Lehrer on 84), H Axewielder 6 - Quier 3, Tungsten-carbide 5, Pollock 4.

Cockbill Street 1 (sparrow, on assist from Tungsten-carbide 76)
Lubistan 1 (<player> 31)

C-mail ratings for Total n Utter Insanity game: J Axewielder 4 - Chalky (Goldminer 6 on 27), Carpenter 5, Johnson 5 - B Axewielder 4 (Hammerhock 5 on 56), Hauritz 6, Calcite 5, H Axewielder 4 - Quier 4, Tungsten-carbide 4, Pollock 5.

Cockbill Street 1 (Tungsten-carbide 81)
Total n Utter Insanity 2 (four-letter word, same name as a famous Belmorian striker, then seven-letter word, unit of sound plus not more 4, 44)

Average ratings for WCXII: Jorn Axewielder 5.40 (27/5), Calcium-carbonate 4.50 (18/4), Helen Carpenter 5.60 (28/5), Peter Harmison 5.00 (15/3), Bjorn Axewielder 5.40 (27/5), Adam Petisha 4.67 (14/3), Robert Hauritz 5.20 (26/5), Harald Axewielder 5.20 (26/5), Simon Quier 4.80 (24/5), Chris Brashear 6.33 (19/3), Greg Pollock 5.20 (26/5), Niall Johnson 5.50 (11/2), Hroar Goldminer 6.00 (6/1), Calcite 5.00 (10/2), Tungsten-carbide 4.50 (9/2)

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Illegal substance fine paid to BSE Free Bovines
Association of Football deducts Ferdinand's fine in BSE Free Bovines to pay for infraction

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Archy Ferdinand may have retired just days ago from international football with the Oglethorpian Wonderteam, but the controversial fullback's name still lingers on the headlines as the BSE Free Bovines saga nears it's end. Fined for bringing in a foreign piece of beef into BSE Free Bovines [not certified BSE Free], Archy Ferdinand was fined 200,000 Little Shiny Credits (when the conversation rate is all said and done) for his infraction. Not only did he commit the act, it was pictured in a newspaper article previewing the match between the Wonderteam and BSE Free Bovines -- the steak clearly visible in Ferdinand's pocket, in stark contrast to the caption of "Oglethorpia at BSE Free Bovines."

Most Wonderteam fans support the players to the death -- but others maintain some semblance of reality. "Yeah, I knew that was some stupid stunt to attract attention -- meat in a country called BSE Free Bovines? Put 852 and 852 together man..." said a fan on the streets of Megalopolis City.

BSE Free Bovines' Ministry of Agraculture, after determining the cut of meat Ferdinand brought in was not certified BSE Free, was fined 200,000 Little Shiny Credits for his infraction -- paid by the Association of Football of Oglethorpia -- deducted from Ferdinand's final paycheck, as the fullback has retired from the team.

The Association of Football, in a further show of solidarity, has announced plans to certify all beef on sale in the home match between the Wonderteam and BSE Free Bovines as "BSE Free" and make it very clear that no dangerous meat will be eaten, or be thrown around.

"If someone's going to hit Horace [BSE Free Bovines' mascot] we want it to be certified BSE Free -- we don't need anymore fines flying around," commented Widespread Nationwide Police Director Mick Brown.

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Lions to Mourn NMS
WC10 qualifying rivals seemingly gone

ON A PLANE BETWEEN KERLA AND SLIPONIA -- The Bedistan Lions will all be wearing black wristbands as they play their sixth qualifying match against Sliponia to mourn the loss of New Montreal States. The States amazingly managed to reach the semifinals of World Cup 11, and they made history as a brand new squad in World Cup 10 qualifying when they delivered an upset 1-0 defeat to the then 4th-ranked Lions at James Parker National Stadium in Midway.

It is not known exactly how long ago the nation ceased to exist, but the discovery was made while Sports Digest reporters were checking some facts regarding the ongoing Champions League 4. "I still remember how the Columbia Times managed to infuriate them at the start of qualifying by commenting that the group was weak," says forward Darren Morlock, referring to a statement the Times printed that was made by then-manager Gene Barber. "They had the huevos to challenge that statement and did so by shutting us out on our home ground."

There had been speculation for several weeks regarding the continued existence of the nation after all news media seemingly ceased publication between World Cups 10 and 11. While the situation made for an intense rivalry at the time, New Montreal States will be missed by the Bedistan faithful.

OOC-this is a follow-up to my Henry Tuck story

IC-

STREAKER JUMPS TO HIS DEATH OFF OF APPARTMENT FIRE ESCAPE

An annonymous caller from inside the apartment building that the streaker fled into after making an appearance at yesterday's Warriors-ORD match to report that the streaker inside the building was not the legendary Tuck as was first believed, but an unknown Kingsfordian. Apparently the now unidentified streaker heard that call because soon afterwards, he climbed onto the 14th floor fire escape and jumped to his death. The body was too mangled to have a chance at identifying who the unnamed streaker was.

The Abysmal Times:

0-4 loss is seen as a bad omen
The Abysmal soccer team has lost the second consecutive match they played (not counting the Gaddland match, which was forfit) by a devastating-but-not-as-devastating-as-it-could-be 0-4. Eaglet had never any problems to get the 3 points from this match. For many Abysmals this exceeds expectations since they thought the team would get trashed like no team ever did, but others see the 0-4 losses as a bad omen. Goalie Xiq for example comments: "In chinese mythology, this number 4 means death! Damn I tried to let another goal in to make the result not-that-bad in mythologic term, but I slani failed! Another 0-4 and I leave!" The team of the Abysmal Times hopes that the team loses higher to avoid this number.

The result:
Eaglet 4 (Lulu 15th (og), Xiq 30th 51st (both og), Krrrks 72nd(og) )
Abysmalistan 0

Part 4 Sub C – The Crusade of the Sheriff III, a Mini-RP

The Sheriff stood, surrounded by a myriad of pirates. They stand, samurai swords drawn, encircling him. Just then, their pirate czar, Eugene, comes forward out of the group. His sombrero covered his long braided Viking hair, while his ploomed loin cloth blew uncomfortably in the wind.

“Greetings, I am Eugene, a poor attempt at humor by obscuring historical peoples into one figure. Why do you travel through this region in Oglethorpia?”

“I want to get back to Kingsford.”

At this, all the pirates gasped.

“King’s… King’s Fod?”

“What is it with you people? Can’t you say Kingsford?”

“You people? You know how many different races you have just insulted by insulting me?”

“Pirates, Samurais, Vikings, Mexicans, Russians, and Mayans?”

“You forgot Canadians.”

“Canadians? How?”

“My accent, eh?”

“Well just throw it in at the last minute, you dirty canuck.”

“Now that one only insults one of my many nationalities, whereas insulting me in general insults 7.”

“Yeah, yeah, I understand the system. What’s gonna happen now, Eugene?”

“Don’t you want to know my last name?”

“Huh?”

“I work part times at the Tattershall border crossing. My full name is Eugene Jenkins, but at work I just go as Mr. Jenkins. And now, Mr. Tuck, you’re gonna get taser raped for escaping.”

“Wait, I didn’t escape! Mr. Haplan let me out!”

“Hmm… well can I taser rape you just for fun?”

”Pervert.”

“I’ll take that as a… maybe?”

“NO! Keep your cattle prod away from me! Just let me out!”

“Can’t do that General.”

“Gener--“

“SILENCE! In order to progress, you must first defeat Slippy in a match to the death.”

Then, a paraplegic midget hobbled forward, knife in his one arm.

“Is this Skippy?”

“Yes. Fight!”

The sheriff wound up his foot and kicked Skippy like a football. His screams were heard until his disappeared on the horizon.

“Now what?”

“You can go. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

The ethnically confused tribe let him pass, and up ahead, he saw the same chalky white building with gleaming blue windows.

“You actually want me to repeat that process again? Are you crazy?”

You’re right, that’d take up a lot of my time, and it’s getting kinda late. Remembering about the misfortunes he received at the same building, he drove his VW Green Convertible bug off the road, around the checkpoint, and back onto the road once the land had become Kingsford. At the checkpoint, Mr. Haplen was conversing with another boothman.

“You think he can do that?”

“There’s no law that says he can’t.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do, for purposes of not lengthening this section.”

So the sheriff drove on, unaware of the bounty on his head. About ten minutes into the drive, he decided to turn on the radio.

‘The Widespread National Police of Oglethorpia, in conjunction with the Confederate of Sheriffs and Shire-Reeves, have started a quad-national search for the Sheriff of Crimpton County. The Sheriff holds the following crimes to his name:

In Eauz:
1 Account of Murder

In Oglethorpia:
1 Account of Murder
76 Accounts of Homicide by Video Screen
23 Accounts of Attempted Homicide
12 Accounts of Vehicular Homicide
2 Accounts of Attempted Vehicular Homicide
15 Accounts of Verbal Assault
1 Account of Illegal Street Fighting
1 Account of Shoeless Driving
1 Account of Traffic Violation
1 Account of Illegally Crossing the O-K Border
1 Account of Destruction of Public Property

In Kingsford:
1 Account of Murder
3 Accounts of Gambling
1 Account of Post Abandonment
1 Account of Stalking
1 Account of Irrelevant Decree Issue

The WNP and the CSSR have set up checkpoints and are conducting widespread searches in Kingsford, Tanah Burung, Eauz, and Oglethorpia. He was last seen at the Tattershall Border checkpoint driving a convertible green Volkswagen bug with 4 spare tires in lieu or regular issue tires. If you have seen this car or this man, you can contact one of the following numbers:

In Kingsford:
(01) 11-11-11-11
In Oglethorpia:
(4) HELP-WNP-LINE
In Eauz:
+92 1-23-4567-8
In Tanah Burung:
1-210-0000’

He turned off the radio in a state of shock. He wasn’t the bad guy! Henry Tuck was the bad guy! And furthermore, with a blemish to his name, all the crimes that Tuck scum had committed are omitted, he was a free man! Enraged, he pulled his VW Bug into a farm property. Abandoning his car, he resumed his duties as driver in an old Ford F-100 Pickup which had been converted into a sheep transport. He left and headed north towards Tanah Burung, with a full load of sheep in the back.

He soon reached the big city of Northern City, a grand city that sat on the border of Kingsford, Tanah Burung, and Oglethorpia. The city was one of the largest, and oldest, in the Emerald Heights. Built on the Confluence of the Salesde River (which more or less creates the Kingsford-Tanah Burung border) and the James Oglethorpe River (which more or less creates the Tanah Burung-Oglethorpia Border), it was founded by Yearse Uppurmaen, the first King of Kingsford in 1432 as the capital of the newly formed Holy Empire of Kingsford. The buildings in Old Northern City show distinct area architecture, accenting brick structures and thatched or wooden plank roofing. The most notable landmarks of this style are Taverdown Stadium, the 60,000 seat home to the clubs Northern City and Elders; and Uppurmaen Castle, the historic capital building of Kingsford until the location of the capital was moved in 1817 by King Jacob III. However, in more recent times, behemoths of steel, cement, and glass dwarf the once large buildings, marking economic milestones. The city held an estimated 20 million people, in all three countries, and its expanse rolled on for miles to the suburban neighborhoods.

He decided to cross into Tanah Burung, because they held no crimes to his name and there checkpoint was digital. When he got there, a monotone robotic voice spoke.

“GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO TANAH BURUNG. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY ON BUSINESS, PRESS 1. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY EN ROUTE TO YOUR FINAL DESTINATION, PRESS 2. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY FOR VACATION, GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND EITHER PICK A NEW DESTINATION, OR KILL YOURSELF FOR PICKING ONE SO STUPID.”

The Sheriff pressed 2.

“IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS OGLETHORPIA, PRESS 1. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS EAUZ, PRESS 2. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE EMERALD HEIGHTS, PRESS 3. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD, PRESS 4.”

The Sheriff pressed 4.

“IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS IN THE REGIONS FIFA OR THE HEARTLAND, PRESS 1. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD, PRESS 2.”

The Sheriff pressed 1.

“IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS IN THE REGION FIFA, PRESS ONE. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS IN THE REGION THE HEARTLAND, PRESS TWO.”

The Sheriff Pressed 1.

“IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS REJISTANIA, PRESS 1. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS BRAZILLICO, PRESS 2. IF YOUR FINAL DESTINATION IS THE BELMORE FAMILY, GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND EITHER PICK A NEW DESTINATION, OR KILL YOURSELF FOR PICKING ONE SO STUPID.”

“Aww man.”

The sheriff thought about turning around, but on a whim, he pressed 2.

“HERE IS YOUR VISA.”

The machine spit out a plastic card that had the word VISA on one side and the details on the other.

“THAT WILL BE $70 KINGSFORD DOLLARS.”

He grumbled as he hastily inserted the bills into the machine.

“THANK YOU. ARE YOU CARRYING ANY FRUITS, VEGETABLES, OR LIVESTOCK ACROSS THE BORDER? PRESS 1 FOR YES, PRESS 2 FOR NO.”

The Sheriff pressed 2.

“YOU LIAR. YOU HAVE A TRUCK LOAD OF SHEEP. THAT WILL BE $20 KINGSFORD DOLLARS FOR THE LIVESTOCK, and $100 FOR THE LIE. PUNK.”

“Huh?”

“YOU HEARD ME. NOW PUT IN THE MONEY, BEFORE I HURT YOU.”

The Sheriff grumbled and inserted the $120 Kingsford Dollars.

“THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY.”

And so off the Sheriff was, $190 Kingsford Dollars less, and en route to Brazillico. He imagined Brazillico would be nice this time of year, and he could enjoy a quality football match. Their 6th qualifying match was at home, which was perfect. He’d go and enjoy himself, take his mind off the pursuing fleet, and more importantly, Henry Tuck.

“How would you know what I feel?”

Because I made you, remember?

“Are you making me go crazy on purpose?”

Yes.

“Why?”

For humors sake.

What? Don’t hate me, or have sympathy on him! He’s not even real. You people take things too seriously.

“Oh no, Verbal Diarrhea!”

He pulled the Cattle truck to the side of the road, quickly got out, squatted uncomfortably, and excremented unusual things, such as:

The second half was much the same as the first, with Tobias Cannon
scoring in the 79th minute with help from his brother, and effectively
ending the Bovines' game. However, when a rogue Bovine supporter
threw a large piece of meat at Horace, the BSE Free Bovines mascot, and
knocked him out. tempers burst. Hooligans from both camps rushed onto
the field, meaning the players had to be escorted to safety. When the
game could not be restarted after half an hour, officials ended the match,
and Brazillico came out 2 nil winners.

http://www.consumerspacking.com/html/slides/top-butt-steak.jpg

“OHH! IT PAINS ME SO! PLEASE, STOP IT!”

Just then, as he screamed out in pain, another splush came out:

Oglethorpia hosted Holy India in a one sided match that kept the
Wonderteam unbeaten and top of the table. Goals to White in the 36th
and Calhoun in the 63rd minute gave Oglethorpia a 2 goals to nil win. The
victory was marred by the return of the Holy Indian mascot, the Tea Bag,
which was dumped after Holy India's last match. The Tea Bag tripped
controversial Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand, causing him to be
hospitalised. A coalition of nations is now hunting the fugitive in Pakistan.

http://www.cubanfoodguy.com/teabag.jpg

“MAKE IT STOP! MAAKE IT STOOOOOP!”

Ok.

Just then, it stopped, and he was cured by a magic dragon.

“Dragon? What the--“

HEY! You want some more verbal diarrhea?

“Sorry sir, you’re right, a dragon seems both feasible and practical.”

Darn straight it does.

So anyways, he eventually reached the Tiga Burung International Airport, and headed towards the Formerly Jingoistic States of Brazillico. As he got on the airplane, a man resembling John Prine sat next to him.

“Hey, friend, where are you going?”

“Uh… Brazillico.”

“Anywhere after that, friend?”

“Nope, just Brazillico.”

“Well I’m glad you asked!”

“Huh?”

“I’m going to Hawaii!”

As he said that last phrase, every passenger of the airplane, save the two of them, stood up and cheered loudly.

“That’s nice.”

“I’m going to Hawaii!”

The airplane cheered loudly.

“Yeah, that’s a great superpower you have… look--“

“I’m going to Hawaii!”

The airplane cheered loudly.

“What’s your name, Friend?”

“Me? Uh, I’m the sher--

The sheriff caught himself, he couldn’t go by that anymore, he was a wanted man.

I’m George Milwaukee.”

“I’m from Milwaukee!”

“That’s great.”

The sheriff was becoming annoyed.

“Hey, do you want to hear a story George?”

“Not really John.”

“Good! Because it’s in song form! Let me grab my guitar!”

John Prine, in the same Mary Poppins way, pulled the guitar out of a small bag.

“You know, John, you really don’t have to do this.”

“WELL! I packed my bags and bought myself a ticket/

To the land of the tall palm tree/

Aloha Old Milwaukee, Hello Waikiki/

I just stepped down from the airplane/

When I heard her say/

Waka Waka Nuka Nuka, Waka Waka Nuka Nuka/

Would you like a Lei? Eh?/

Come on, EVERYBODY SING!

Lets talk dirty in Hawaiian/

Whisper in my ear/

Kick poo ka maka wa wah wahini/

Are the words I long to hear/

Lay your coconut on my tiki/

What the hecka mooka mooka dear/

Let’s talk dirty in Hawaiian!/

Say the words I long to hear/”

The sheriff grumbled as the whole plane joined him in the next chorus, and eventually throughout the entire multi-hour plane ride. Once they landed in Brazillico, The song was finally over.

“Hey, George, join us on the flight from Brazillico to Hawaii for the next verse!”

“Uh… no thanks…”

“Are you sure? All right. Hey everyone! I’m going to Hawaii!”

Everyone around him cheered.

The sheriff got in a cab.

“Take me to the national stadium, I wanna see the football game.”

Indigo Islands win another squeaker 2 – 1!

Which is more amazing that we are have won 2 games out of four and are currently in third, possibly going to a qualifying playoff or that we have only allowed 5 goals against and have a goal differential of zero?

Defensive football is the watchword of for Wes Eisner Coach of the Indigo Island Red-Tailed Mollies National Football squad.

Coach Eisner continued, “The office is either going to score or not depending on the skill of the players and the bounce of the ball. Defense is different. It takes commitment, dedication and teamwork. If everyone does what they are supposed to do and keeps their heads on straight we can keep ourselves in every game. We have shown that if we can keep it close we can win.

The Wellian team started off quickly scoring in the 21st minute on a Wella midfielder made an athletic run down the right hand sideline. He then centered the ball to a high jumping forward who headed it towards the goal. Goalkeeper Chester Smith made a diving stop but could not control the rebound which was put in past the sliding defender.

The Red-Tailed Mollies quickly responded when midfielder James Ajax put a direct free kick into the net in minute thirty-five. The second goal was scored just before half-time when William Swank – who as you can see from this picture was clearly on-side – received a counter-attacking high ball form defensive back Mortimer Gunnarson. Swank chipped it over the goalkeeper for the winning goal.

Indigo Islands win another squeaker 2 – 1!

Which is more amazing that we are have won 2 games out of four and are currently in third, possibly going to a qualifying playoff or that we have only allowed 5 goals against and have a goal differential of zero?

Defensive football is the watchword of for Wes Eisner Coach of the Indigo Island Red-Tailed Mollies National Football squad.

Coach Eisner continued, “The office is either going to score or not depending on the skill of the players and the bounce of the ball. Defense is different. It takes commitment, dedication and teamwork. If everyone does what they are supposed to do and keeps their heads on straight we can keep ourselves in every game. We have shown that if we can keep it close we can win.

The Wellian team started off quickly scoring in the 21st minute on a Wella midfielder made an athletic run down the right hand sideline. He then centered the ball to a high jumping forward who headed it towards the goal. Goalkeeper Chester Smith made a diving stop but could not control the rebound which was put in past the sliding defender.

The Red-Tailed Mollies quickly responded when midfielder James Ajax put a direct free kick into the net in minute thirty-five. The second goal was scored just before half-time when William Swank – who as you can see from this picture was clearly on-side – received a counter-attacking high ball form defensive back Mortimer Gunnarson. Swank chipped it over the goalkeeper for the winning goal.

With Rejistania on a roll - four wins in a row, only one goal conceded - it was hardly likely that the Altos would dent their progress, especially as the match was in Rejistania. But that didn't stop Itasae Murritko spurring the girls on.

'We've just got to go out here and enjoy ourselves. There's nothing to lose and plenty to gain out there.'
'Nothing to lose? But we ARE going to lose the game!' shouted Marianne Oaks, the goalkeeper.
'Probably yes, but not certainly. Besides, that sets our expectations low. So long as we lose by less than the sopranos would.'

The Altos played free-flowing football, 'passing in harmony' as Itasae insisted they should, but defensively looked weak. Jen Y failed to exploit a mistake from Viola Harvell in the ninth minute to full effect - Harvell's sliced clearance fell straight to Lyku, but to the dismay of the home fans Lyku struck straight at Oaks from 15 yards.

While the Altos had more chances, the Rejistanians had the better ones. Nana Daki rarely had trouble dealing with any of the shots from Laughlin or Rosenblatt, with the exception of one Rosenblatt curling chip from 25 yards after as many minutes that he awkwardly tipped away for a corner, which proved ineffectual for the Altos as Daki easily punched it away. Y, who had hit the post two minutes before this near-miss, finally opened the scoring two minutes after it, when his low drive from the edge of the penalty area deflected off Harvell into the roof of the net, Oaks already diving to the bottom corner.

The Orange-Blues doubled the lead nine minutes later, Linkosa's corner finding the head of Su after taking another deflection, this time off Lillian Desmond's shoulder (her head staying down to avoid her distinctive curly hair being thrown out of place). With 36 minutes gone, it seemed as though a whitewash may have been coming - but the Altos, now focusing to a certain extent on damage limitation, did just that. In the second half, they had over 60% of the possession, but rarely looked like doing anything useful with it - a reflection of Rejistania's long-ball game to exploit the relative height disadvantage the Altos have compared to the all-male Rejistanian side.

After the game, Florence Laughlin - who can sing higher (and lower) than anyone else in the team - tried to break a wine glass in the dressing room. After trying and failing for a good few minutes, SyKu Lyku invaded the dressing room and simply tipped the glass into Laughlin's face. She will be out for several weeks.

VILÄMNA TIMES

SVECIA EXTENDS LEAD
Victory gives Lightning Lucky 13 points
Wednesday, 18 February

The Rijsstadion in Vilämna was filled to capacity yesterday with yellow and blue as Svecia extended their Group 5 lead with a 3-1 win over Dokett. The fifth match of World Cup qualifying saw the Svecian side come away with an easy win over the current fifth place holder in Group 5. The Svecian star striker, Francisco Cardini, had a hat-trick, all three on headers, in the 24th, 58th, and 65th minutes of play. The lone Dokett goal came in the 78th minute after Svecia had put in their scrub players and the match was already won.

The Svecian king, Karl-Heinz Friedrich was in attendence at the match and was given the honor of introducing the players. Vilämna has recently been the site of mass rallies to protest a war most in the county deem as being "unmoral", with the King coming under the most pressure. But as he walked out onto the field, the 40.000 screaming fans only cheered louder, showing their support and solidarity for their beloved Lightning and country.

Svecia was helped by the Halfassedstates squad, who defeated the Redavic Union, which now holds third, 3-0. Tanah Burung, the previous first place holder, who was unseated at home by Svecia, is in second in the group, three points behind Svecia.

I'm off for four days.

Apologies to the Eagle's Nest, Brazillico, Spaam and the Weegies -- group 11 has been a fantastic roleplaying group, and i'll be a tad disappointed to be missing out on a bit of it -- but there's always one more match against the enigmatic purple-wearing footballers from Brazillico.

And finally, before I leave to miss RPing four matches, i'll send out a general plea to BEAT THAT HOLY INDIA TEA BAG!

I'm off for four days.

Apologies to the Eagle's Nest, Brazillico, Spaam and the Weegies -- group 11 has been a fantastic roleplaying group, and i'll be a tad disappointed to be missing out on a bit of it -- but there's always one more match against the enigmatic purple-wearing footballers from Brazillico.

And finally, before I leave to miss RPing four matches, i'll send out a general plea to BEAT THAT HOLY INDIA TEA BAG!

I'm off for four days.

Apologies to the Eagle's Nest, Brazillico, Spaam and the Weegies -- group 11 has been a fantastic roleplaying group, and i'll be a tad disappointed to be missing out on a bit of it -- but there's always one more match against the enigmatic purple-wearing footballers from Brazillico.

And finally, before I leave to miss RPing four matches, i'll send out a general plea to BEAT THAT HOLY INDIA TEA BAG!

Scene: A white 767 with a blue Bedistan Lions logo (as seen on the uniforms) painted on the side. The plane contains (what else?) the Bedistan Lions national football team, currently en route to Sliponia. "Doctor" Gil Vu is poised over the telephone, dialing.

Dr. Vu: Hi, Henry, it's Gil. Yeah, we're about to touch down in Sliponia. What now? Mrzigod? Who's he? But I thought-- He's seriously considering it? Sweetness!

Abigail Hamner, substitute forward, walks up to Vu.

Hamner: Who're you talking to, Doc?

Vu looks at her, slightly stunned.

Dr. Vu: Huh? Oh, nobody important.

He turns back to the phone.

Dr. Vu: Right. No, that's just what I'm telling them, of course I don't think that. Wait, I know exactly how to get our message across! Why don't you and your friends come to the Rejistania match? No, not the one in Rejistania, the one against them in Midway. Yes, that would be the perfect place. You can make it? Great! Then I'll see you there, Henry. I'm warning you, though, it'll be raining, so take it easy. All right. Bye, Henry.

He hangs up. Hamner is looking at him with her mouth slightly ajar.

Dr. Vu: What's wrong, Ab?

Hamner: Um, nothing.

She walks back to her seat and turns on her laptop computer. She types furiously for several minutes.

-----------------------------------------
Later that day...
-----------------------------------------

The Crater
Bedistan's Tabloid News Source

International Footballer in Cahoots with Streaker?
Gil Vu in possible relationship with Henry Tuck

Midway police are said to be tightening security for the upcoming Bedistan v Rejistania international football match at James Parker National Stadium based on a reported phone call made by Bedistani substitute striker Gil Vu. An anonymous witness claims that Vu made a call in which he repeatedly addressed the recipient as "Henry", and that he reported invited Henry to come to the Rejistania match. As we all know, one Henry Tuck has recently streaked during halftime at several international football matches, most notably in Kingsford and Oglethorpia. Presumably, the invitation is for Tuck to do the same here in Bedistan. While streaking is legal in Bedistan, the authorities are watching this case nevertheless.

The witness also noted that Vu made a reference to "Mrzigod" -- presumably Chan Mrzigod, recently elected prime minister of Commerce Heights, stating that "he's [Mrzigod] seriously considering it". What "it" is is open to debate, but Vu seemed thoroughly excited about the idea, and later mentioned to the recipient of the call that coming to the Rejistania match would be a good way "to get our message across". As such, it can reasonably be concluded that Gil Vu is not only helping out Henry Tuck, but is in fact involved romantically with him.

The Bedistan Bureau of Investigation (BBI) will reportedly be looking to question Vu upon his return to the country, as while Tuck's crimes are not illegal in Bedistan, it can be reasonably assumed that Vu also acted as an accomplice in the Oglethorpia and Kingsford incidents. The Crater will bring you more as it develops.


[OOC: That has to be the weirdest RP I've ever done. And it's going to take a large turn soon, but you'll have to wait to find out how. ;)]

This double post is brought to you by BediStat, Bedistan's premier statistics and gambling service!

The Abysmal Times:

0-4 loss is seen as a bad omen
The Abysmal soccer team has lost the second consecutive match they played (not counting the Gaddland match, which was forfit) by a devastating-but-not-as-devastating-as-it-could-be 0-4. Eaglet had never any problems to get the 3 points from this match. For many Abysmals this exceeds expectations since they thought the team would get trashed like no team ever did, but others see the 0-4 losses as a bad omen. Goalie Xiq for example comments: "In chinese mythology, this number 4 means death! Damn I tried to let another goal in to make the result not-that-bad in mythologic term, but I slani failed! Another 0-4 and I leave!" The team of the Abysmal Times hopes that the team loses higher to avoid this number.

The result:
Eaglet 4 (Lulu 15th (og), Xiq 30th 51st (both og), Krrrks 72nd(og) )
Abysmalistan 0

hey rejis, my puppet vs your puppet!

RP bonuses for match days 6-8 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2766060#2766060).

Qualifying match day 6 scores (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2766082#2766082).

Out and About Lemmitania (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2766155#2766155) episode 5.

“Ah, coach Westmore, just the man I wanted to see!”

David Westmore, a lanky former midfielder, eyed the newcomer suspiciously. “I don’t hold press conferences until after I’ve had a chance to talk to the players. Now, I suggest you get the hell out of here before I call security!”

Sam Dagger shrugged. He was used to being in forbidden places. “I’m not with the press. My name is Dagger; I need to talk to you.” He flashed a fake Ianapalis police badge. “About something very important.” Gambling infractions such as fixing a game weren’t illegal in Iansisle, but neither was fraud or impersonating a police officer. It could come in very handy in his line of work.

Westmore blanched. “I...I haven’t done anything wrong, have I?” he asked.

“That all depends, Mr. Westmore. I’d like to have a talk with you - as soon as possible.”

“My office?” asked the coach meekly. Sam flashed a grin.

“Thank you, that’d be fine. And if you have any coffee, I’m a little thirsty.

“Co...of course, of course,” mumbled Westmore, stumbling down the hallway and into his office. Sam was especially convinced now that he was on the right track. Westmore was acting far too nervous for an innocent man.

As Westmore busied himself with the coffee maker, Sam settled into the big chair behind the desk. If the coach was angry at having his seat stolen, he hid it well.

“Now, Mr. Westmore,” said Sam, taking out a sheet of paper. “I’ve been monitoring your banking transactions in Lakeriverwood, Mr. Westmore, and I’ve come across some unusual numbers.”

“The police can follow my transaction history?” asked Westmore, blinking in surprise. “But, when I took my savings account, I got a sheet of paper that said...”

“There’s a difference between a sheet of paper, Mr. Westmore, and a human heart.” Sam withdrew a one general coin and considered it for a second. “It’s damn surprising how cheaply some people can be bought and sold, Mr. Westmore.” He flipped the coin over the desk and the surprised Westmore caught it. “Damn surprising.”

“Are you coming to some sort of point, Mr. Dagger?” asked Westmore. Sam smiled. The other man had grown something of a backbone.

“In good time, my friend, in good time. Anyway, I was checking these sheets, and I noticed a rather large deposit roughly two months ago. Twenty-seven thousand generals. That’s quite a bit, don’t you think?” He glanced about the room. “No offense, Dave - do you mind if I call you Dave? - but it doesn’t look like you’re pulling down twenty-seven grand a year in this gig.”

“If you simply must know, Mr. Dagger, my wife’s mother died,” Westmore said, narrowing his eyes. “She left the two of us that money in her will.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry!” said Sam, pretending to retreat. “I didn’t realize! Do you have the old bag’s death certificate?”

The sudden change in topic and tone kept Westmore off kilter enough that he could only stutter out a “no” before Sam was on his feet.

“Well, it’s been great chatting with you, Dave,” he said, grabbing his hat from the rack on his way out. “I need to be running, though.” He paused in the doorway. “By the way, I missed the game. Did we win?”

“Um, yes,” said Westmore, still not quite sure what was going on.

“Splendid! Simply splendid!” exclaimed Sam, before turning to walk down the hallway. Westmore had just enough time to start wondering what had happened, and if it all hadn’t perhaps been some sort of dream when Sam popped his head back in. “Oh, and Dave, I wouldn’t leave the country if I were you.” Then he was gone again.

“GOOD EVENING, WELCOME TO TANAH BURUNG. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY ON BUSINESS, PRESS 1. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY EN ROUTE TO YOUR FINAL DESTINATION, PRESS 2. IF YOU ARE ENTERING THE COUNTRY FOR VACATION, GO BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND EITHER PICK A NEW DESTINATION, OR KILL YOURSELF FOR PICKING ONE SO STUPID.”

(Hmm, that doesn't sound like my country at all! (1) The automated checkpoint wouldn't be working. (2) It would be staffed by a dozen or so under-employed border guards calling themselves a co-op, and they would probably have their own god. or if not, greet the traveller as a god. also, they are probably drunk. (3) We love tourists here. Love them for hours....

Funny stuff though. :lol: )

DAILY DESSICATED CLONE

Men with fire extinguishers stood at the ready through the Dessicated Clones' road trip to NEWI Cefn Druids and True Yorkshire, lest another Clone fall victim to spontaneous human combustion. These being vaguely British teams, Tanah Burung dispatched them both.

"It's very sporting of those blokes to have invented the beautiful game, share it with the world, and then lose regularly to us lesser breeds without the law," said Bi Kipling, fourth equipment manager's roadie.

Both road matches were won by identical 2-1 scorelines. In a performance of Belmorian proportions, Ab Francisco scored five of the two goals against the Druids, seven of the two goals against True Yorkshire, and twelve unanswered goals against Brazillico, before inventing radium and mapping the bovine genome. Asked for comment, the superhero said simply: "urk."

Final results:
NEWI Cefn Cruids 1 Tanah Burung 2
True Yorkshire 1 Tanah Burung 2

Part 3-and-a-half of Escape to Kingsford, which will soon have to be renamed...

Mark Hammond (formerly Gene Barber; he finally got that name change) again dials his cellphone.

Hammond: Hey. Has BLW gotten the info yet? No? Good, because I need you to resend it. Yeah, I just realized that I look way too much like the Sheriff of Crimpton County. I saw his picture in a newspaper. I don't want the Kingsford authorities to mistakenly arrest me. Yeah, I'm going to Oglethorpia instead. Where? Um...Polyesterhampton sounds like as good a place as any. Yes, Polyesterhampton. Yeah, get that updated info to BLW, all right? Thanks much.

Hammond hangs up.

[OOC: As you can see, there's a reason why it's Part 3-and-a-half instead of Part 4. :P]

Several veteran players from the Brazillico Chili Bats sit in a small, enclosed room, playing cards. The game is Asshole and the participants are Durango, Batista, Salazar and Palacio, ironically enough, four men who always play behind the ball. The door slowly opens and defending phenom, Rollie Cannon slowly pokes his head through the door.

Rollie: Think you guys can deal me in?

Salazar: Sure, right after this game, but you’re starting as asshole.

Rollie: That’s cool.

Rollie grabs a folding chair and opens it up, taking a seat between Palacio and Durango. The conversation is rather stale and Rollie gazes emptily out the window at the clouds passing-by below.

Durango: So, that game against Spaam, not our best effort.

Salazar: That’s because I wasn’t in net!

Batista: Good thing or else we would’ve lost by double!

The men have a good laugh and return to business.

Durango: Seriously, we’re going to have to be a lot better defensively against Oglethorpia. They got a potent offence.

Palacio: Almost as potent as my pair of aces. I believe that I’m president.

Salazar: Right you are, and let me seize the opportunity to but down my joker, followed by my pair of sixes to claim the vice-presidency.

Batista: And I’ll play my jack, meaning that you’re the asshole Durango.

Durango: Like ‘ell I am. Rollie’s the new guy and he’s dealt as the ass.

The three men at the table seemingly say true at the same time and nod their heads in approval. Rollie Cannon picks up the deck and starts shuffling out the cards, as the veterans discuss the past match.

Batista: As bad as it was to lose, at least that pipsqueak, Meren Luin, didn’t score on us.

Palacio: Damn right, that girl needs to eat.

Durango: Hey Rollie, you did a pretty good job covering her.

Rollie: Hey, thanks.

Batista: Not that it was that hard, all you had to do was get in her way, ‘cuz it was sure as hell she wasn’t getting through you.

Rollie: Hey, a good gust of wind might have blown her right across the box and I’d doubt if you guys woulda been there to mark her.

Durango: Nope, she’d have been offside.

Palacio: Hey, who scored our goal?

Rollie: Alex Cannon did, in the 48th.

Palacio: Yeah, I always those twins mixed up.

Salazar: Seriously guys, I should’ve started that game.

Palacio: You can’t really say Robinho did a bad job.

Salazar: He could have done more on that second Eromleb goal.

Palacio: Perhaps, but he robbed him blind on that hat trick attempt. And a few others.

Batista: Sally’s just sour he didn’t win GK of the Year last year.

Salazar: If Robinho robbed Eromleb blind, he committed grand larceny taking that trophy from me. I mean, 12 goals allowed in 17 games…

Durango: Alright, I don’t want five more hours of bitching until we get to the Emerald Heights. How about we work out a strategy to defend Oglethorpia.

Palacio: They’re strong up front. The dynamic duo of Black and White back quite a punch.

Durango: Rollie, I think you should play man to man on Torrence Black, seeing as your our fastest defensive guy and he’s their fastest offensive threat. Batista should mark Jorge White at all times and myself and Kilkenny will support up the middle.

Palacio: Aren’t you forgetting someone?

Durango: You can serve ice cold drinks to the people on the pitch, P.

Palacio: Hahaha, looks like I’m President again.

Salazar: Yup, this one’s already done. Hey Rollie, you’re still asshole.

Rollie: Forget that, that’s enough cards for me.

Durango: You want to run our defensive gameplan through Doc to see if he’s alright with it?

Rollie: Nah, I’ll let you guys do it later, it’ll sit better with him if he thinks a vet came up with it.

Durango: True.

Rollie shuts the door behind him and walks through a long couloir and passes the sleeping quarters before he reaches the lounge. The lounge is furnished rather extravagantly, with black leather, mahogany trim and stainless steel accents taking over the room. Although all make a welcome addition to any piece, the combination of the three is almost overpowering to the senses. Inside, Lisa Cannon and Tom Maracana are lounging on a long, leather couch, with Tobias Cannon sitting beside them. Joao Cannon sits comfortably with a glass of water in hand on the left and Sandro Cannon is lying stomach down with crossed arms, facing the television.

Rollie: Whatcha guys watching?

Lisa: Out and About Lemmitania.

Rollie: What the hell’s that?

Lisa: It’s this show where they have these two guys, Mick and Phil, who travel around Lemmitania in their Lemmabago.

Maracana: Right now, they’re doing an eight-part series on the World Cup destinations.

Rollie: Sounds good.

Rollie walks by the steel-plated mini-fridge and grabs himself a cool, refreshing Coke. He then makes his way to the couch and positions himself on a chair to the right of Toby. All in front of the television stare attentively, as Mick and Phil debate the merits of beer and able-bodied Lemmitanians.

Rollie: Is this in Lemago?

Toby: Yeah.

Rollie: You know, I’ve always wanted to see the Lemoop.

Toby: Maybe you’ll get a chance if we qualify for the World Cup.

Lisa: Like hell he will. Not if we keep playing the way we did the last couple games.

Toby: Why do you say that?

Lisa: Firstly, we haven’t beat a team that’s higher ranked than us.

Toby: Yet.

Lisa*Shrugging at Toby’s stupidity*: Second, we’re five points back of third place, which means we’re effectively out of it.

Sandro: Wait a second. First of all, we could still mathematically win it all. Right?

Lisa: Yeah.

Sandro: So maybe we’re a bit behind the eight ball, but we’re still very much alive. We’re right where we want to be.

Joao: How do you figure that? We’re fourth.

Sandro: True…

Joao: Well wouldn’t you rather be first.

Sandro: Of course I would but bear with me for a second. Our next two matches are against Oglethorpia and The Eagles’ Nest. If we beat both these teams, we’re right back in the hunt.

Lisa: Except that you’re forgetting they’re two of the strongest teams in the group.

Sandro: If you want to be the best…

Lisa: You gotta beat the best. Yeah, we all heard it a million times at National Academy.

Sandro: I’m telling you, if we get six points in the next two games, we’ll be the team that they’ll be gunning for.

Rollie: He’s right.

Joao: Yeah, but that’s shooting for the moon.

Sandro: If you aim for the moon and miss…

Joao: You’ll still land somewhere in the stars. Stop repeating those quotes we learned at National Academy.

Sandro: I’m sorry they’re stuck in my head.

Toby: Looking for two away wins against two quality opponents may be a bit overzealous. I’d be willing to settle for a win and a draw.

Sandro: No way man, we gotta go six for six. *Sticks his hand out in the middle of the group of people* Who’s with me?

Rollie: Six for six.

Toby, Joao and Lisa: Six for six

All in the room turn to look at Tom, who’s comfortably lounged deep in the sofa, watching Out and About Lemmitania religiously.

Maracana: I can’t believe it! That big guy is dragging that little guy into…

All: TOM!

Maracana: Huh? What? Oh sorry. Six for six baby.

The six teammates inside the room all extended their arms and stacked their hands on top of one and others in the middle of the circle. All sharing a solemn vow to have to give it their all, to not only conquer the mighty Oglethorpian Wonderteam, but to also hand the same fate in the match after that to the Strike Birds.

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Spaam Scores Unholy Win In Holy India

http://ukoehler.bei.t-online.de/India-Jodhpur/India-Jodhp-Jaswant-Thada-view-s.jpg

Coach Melá Sëhelin was intent on quashing any rumours of substandard
coaching when the Spaamanian national team went to Holy India for the
fifth round of World Cup qualifying. The team she fielded had only one
thing in mind, and that was offense, with three forwards, four midfielders,
including two forward midfielders, and only three defenders. Meren Lûin
again headed the strike force, and the Súrion triplets were all stationed in
central positions, in what was an obvious ploy to allow the youth of the
side take the front.

[code:1:e0489bfd57]
F 10 Lûin
F 2 Eromleb 13 Kru

MF 5 Dodd 11 Elrik
M 8 Súrion
MD 6 Duran

D 4 Bók 16 Maldini
D 9 Súrion

G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:e0489bfd57]

The game began well from a spectators point of view, with the fanatical
Holy Indians pressuring the Spaamanians, and the determined
Spaamanians doing the same. A few low percentage shots were made on
goal in the first 15 minutes, but overall it was a gritty midfield affair, and
rarely venturing with 15 metres of goal. The Holy Indians looked like the
were keeping up with the Spaamanians, until the 20th minute when
suddenly they seemed to become unnerved *** (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2766835&highlight=#2766835). Their defense
fell apart, and that is when the forward pack attacked.

Nala Eromleb was the first to draw blood, in the 24th minute, when he
managed to get clear of the markers, and accepted a pass from Dodd, to
shoot it into the corner of the net, easily beating the goalkeeper. Four
minutes later, Kru scored from the other side, accepting a cross from
Eromleb to kick it over the keeper's head and into the corner of the goal.
Suddenly facing a 2 goals to nil defecit, the Holy Indians tried to rally, and
they managed to save 3 more shots on goal in the next ten minutes, but
the damage had been done.

In the 39th minute Meren Lûin accepted a pass from Finrod Súrion, and ran
with it for 30 metres, before beating the goalkeeper, and in a show of
defiance, stopped the ball, turned around, putting her hands behind her
head, and tapped the ball into goal with the back of her foot. The
Spaamanian crowd went wild at the showpersonship, while the unusually
quietened Holy Indians managed a few boos, and thrown bottles. Holy
India were looking down the barrel of the thrashing of a lifetime, 3 goals to
nil down going into the break.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/38328000/jpg/_38328287_hooligans300.jpg

There were some hooligans on the field during the break, so the game was
5 minutes late in restarting. The Holy Indians started the second half off
well, playing as they did at the beginning of the first half, even managing a
few shots on goal. However, Spaam took control of the match once more,
and in the 59th minute, Meren Lûin got her second goal in the match, with
an acrobatic display coming from an Elrik corner. The next half hour saw
Spaam continue to dominate the match, and though they managed another
6 shots on goal, the four goals to nil scoreline stood until the 90th minute.

Two minutes before the end of injury time, Meren Lúin scored her third
goal of the match, with shot from 10 metres out that just beat the
goalkeeper, and bounced off the side post before going in. With that goal,
Spaam equalled their best ever peformance in a match, scored their best
ever performance in an away match, and their best peformance in over a
decade. Melá Sëhelin and her team had answered the critics, with a 5 nil
shutout of the increasingly unfortunate Holy India.

Unholy Spaam 5
(Eromleb 24, Kru 28, Lûin 39, 59, 89)
Holy India 0

<<page one>>

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

The Tea Bag Caught

The Holy Indian Tea Bag was caught on the eve of Holy India's home
game against Spaam, managing to get within 5 miles of the stadium.
However, it wasn't coalition forces that managed to apprehend the serial
tripper, but football player. Apparently, Coach Melá Sëhelin sent
Spaamanian midfielder, Mikel Platini to run an "errand" for her, after their
were reports that the Tea Bag had managed to enter the nation. The 6'2"
250 lb 27 year old left the Spaamanian camp, and wandered the streets of
Papadum.

As he got to the edge of the town, he noticed a camp fire a mile away in
the forest. Making his way quietly towards the camp, he found the Tea
Bag accompanied by someone in a second hand Crash Bandicoot costume
with wings sewn into the arms *** (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2716449&highlight=#2716449).

With a yell, he leapt into the camp, taking the Crash Bandicoot with wings
out with a kick to its chilli bats, and wrestled the Tea Bag to the ground.
After he was subdued (and veritably bruised), Mikel "escorted" the Tea
Bag to the stadium, where the game had just started.

So, why did the Holy Indians suddenly become unnerved?

Mikel marched the Tea Bag to the Spaamanian bench, and stood guard
over him for the entire match, with what looked to be a giant tea-strainer,
and a bucket of hot water. After the match, the Tea Bag was handed over
to the coalition, but the damage was done. Spaam 5, Holy India 0.

http://coffeeandcompany.net/images/tea%20bag_.gif

<<page two>>

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

The Greatest RP In The World - A Tribute

This is the greatest and best RP in the world... Tribute.

Long time ago, me and Brazillico here,
We were hitchhiking down, to an old and lonesome field.
All of a sudden, there shined a shiny Chilli Bat, in the middle of the road.
And he said:

"Write the best RP in the world.... or I'll eat your souls."

Well, me and Braz, we looked at each other,
And we each said.... "Okay."

And we wrote the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The best RP in the world, it was the best RP in the world.

Look into my eyes, and its easy to see,
Spaam scored two, total goals were three,
It was destiny.
Once every hundred thousand years or so,
The Spaamanian team will beat Brazillico,
Two to one, you know?

Needless to say, the batt was stunned.
Whip-crack went his chilli wings,
And the bat was done.
He asked us: "*snort* Be you angels?"
And we said, "Nay. We are but geeks."
Rock!
Ahhhh, ahhhh, ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh,
Ohhhh, woah, ah-woah-oh!

This is not the greatest RP in the world, no.
This is just a tribute.
Stupid computer lost the greatest RP in the world, no, no.
This is a tribute, oh, to the greatest RP in the world,
All right! It was the greatest RP in the world,
All right! It was the best bleeping RP the greatest RP in the world.

Doo bee doo wap doo dee wap doo bee doo bee wap doo bee doo wap!
Doo bee doo wap doo dee wap doo bee doo bee wap doo bee doo wap!

And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
The RP we wrote on that fateful night it didn't actually look
Anything like this RP.

This is just a tribute! You gotta believe me!
And I wish you had read it! Just a matter of opinion.
Ah, fudge! Good God, God lovin',
So surprised to find I had lost it.

Doo bee doo wap doo dee wap doo bee doo bee wap doo bee doo wap!
Doo bee doo wap doo dee wap doo bee doo bee wap doo bee doo wap!

All right! All right!

<<page three>>

WARRIORS FRUSTRATED BY REFS LACK OF SENSE :x

The Warriors had to play short-handed 9 on 11 the whole match because the referees told the starters they couldn't play because of uniform inconsistancies when they were all wearing the same uniform in the same style. However, the refs were generous enough to allow the subs to play, but at the same time they ruled that the starters could not go back into the locker room and change their uniforms to match the style the subs were wearing theirs' in (which was the same style in the first place). Warriors Head Coach Martin Luther immediately announced that they would play the match under protest because of the stupidity of the referees. That promptly earned him a red card, and a seat in the locker room for the whole game. Once the match (which was against Patinhas, for the record) finally commenced, the subs played admirably. The Warriors even took a 1-0 lead when William Harper placed a penalty shot into the upper right corner of the net. The score remained that way until the 89th minute when the referees awarded a very questionable penalty shot to Patinhas, which was promplty converted to tie the score. Then, on the kick-off, the referees called an illegal kick-off and awarded a direct free kick to Patinhas, who promptly converted it for a 2-1 win. The referees were the same ones that the Warriors had in a qualifying match against Beestings at home during World Cup XI, when the Warriors had a number of players sent off for imaginary uniform violations that cost them that match as well.


PRAYING2GOD 1 Harper (15th minute, pen)

Patinhas 2 <player> (89th minute, pen), <player> (90th minute, pen)


Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 6 of 14 matches):
Commerce Heights (15) 3-0-3, 12 points, +7 GD
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 3-1-2, 11 points, +7 GD
Patinhas 3-2-1, 10 points, -2 GD
One Red Dot (11) 2-1-3, 9 points, +4 GD
Grand Master Mark 3-3-0, 9 points, -1 GD
PRAYING2GOD (74) 1-3-2, 5 points, -3 GD
The Master Cooper 0-2-4, 4 points, -5 GD
Costa Lot 0-3-3, 3 points, -7 GD

The World Cup Group 6 Update

Decaltré Jomans in Garrard for Garrard 0 Liverpool England 2

CC starts Managerial career with Win

Garrard 0
Liverpool England 2 (Christopher 4, Blackwell pen 78)

Ah, the saga over the Brazillican Cannons. Well, another Cannon, World Cup winner Caddy, has today begun his managerial stint in charge of the team with an amazing 2-0 win - amazing not in scoreline, but with lots of domination of play, what could possibly go wrong?

7 shots on target out of 11 shots on goal, with 2 bouncing off the woodwork and two going totally off target, one nearly a mile too high. The unplayable pitch conditions made things worse for the visitors, the pitch roughly equal to the pitch of possibly Halifax, or Exeter, or some Vauxhall Conference team.

The visitors, only allocated 300 tickets in the 750-seater stadium, never complained though, and with the ball taking a wicked bounce off the pitch, Howard Christopher managed to score from 45 yards four minutes in - the ball hitting the pitch hard after travelling 25 yards, hard enough for it to lob over the Garrard keeper into the net, a contender for goal of the Cup.

Oddly enough, the capacity 750 all cheered when the ball went in - a sign of how lousy Garrard football is. And the whole way the 750 people acted as if the former champs were the home team, cheering every attempt and jeering Garrard shots - the only one which hit the target was saved in style by backup keeper D Herb Castilitis.

No controversy in this match was probably because of no Dominic Dirosa, whose appeal against his 4 match ban failed and he will now face an 8 match suspension. Dirosa's replacement Klas Jansen managed a long range attempt which was finished off by Steven Blackwell on 76 minutes, giving Garrard no chance to fight back. FULLTIME

Garrard 0
Liverpool England 2 (Christopher 4, Blackwell 76)

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Spaam Vs Brazillico: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Editors Note: Since the people of Brazillico are naturally simple, we
decided to write this review of this game in language they could
understand. A kindergarten bedtime story.

Once upon a time, there was a football team. Well, two actually. One was
from the beautiful and smart and awesome nation of Spaam, while the
other was from the ugly and stupid and stinky nation of Brazillico. The
team from Brazillico had big mouths, and spread nasty rumours about
their strikers being anorexic, but unfortunately, they were a good team.
They had won two World Cups, and most importantly to this story, had
beaten Spaam three goals to nil in the 6th World Cup. Spaam managed to
win third place, but they wanted revenge on the nasty Brazillicans.

So Spaam went to Brazillico to play a game of football. The coach of the
Spaamanian team was a beautiful and talented woman called Melá Sëhelin,
and she used to be one of the greatest footballers ever, and certainly
better than anything those stupid Brazillicans could pull out of their big
bums. But now she was older, she coached her team, so the players could
one day become as good as her. And some of the were doing really well
too.

The first player that was doing really well was a girl called Meren Lûin.
She was pretty and had blonde hair and was a really good striker. She
had already scored five goals in qualifying, and Melá was really proud of
her, because she was fast becoming one of the best new talents that she
had ever seen. And she wasn't anorexic at all, just naturally thin.

The second player that was doing really well was actually three players.
They were triplets, called Elen, Finrod, and Alatári and they all bore the
name of Súrion. That wasn't their real last name, but noone knew what it
really was, because they were adopted by two kindly farmers when they
were just babies. The kindly farmers found them in their field, lying in
cabbage leaves, and took them in to raise as their own.

Elen was the oldest, because her brother and sister always looked up to
them. She was tall, and had red hair, like burning embers, and was very
protective of Finrod and Alatári. She was a midfielder, and one of the best
that the Spaamanian team had ever seen.

Finrod was the tallest, but was also the quietest. It was quite obvious that
he loved his sisters very much, but his heart was not his own anymore, for
it had been stolen by a certain beautiful striker. He had dark hair, like a
ravens, and looked like he was becoming one of the best defenders ever.

Alatári was the prettiest and the quickest of the three. She was also the
goalkeeper of the team, and was proving to be really good at it, because
she had only let through two goals in four games. She had golden hair,
like the sun, and was always giggling.

The last player that was doing really well was a mystery. His name was
Nala Eromleb, but noone knew where he came from, how old he was, or if
he was really a man. He had just turned up to training one day, asking for
a spot on the national team. Everybody had laughed at him, but when he
tried out, he beat the goalkeeper a hundred times in a row, so they soon
realised that they had to have him. He was now captain of the team,
because he could organise the team well, but he didn't say much outside of
the game, and noone really cared, because they all thought he was really
wierd.

So Melá organised her team into a pretty pattern to play aginst the nasty
Brazillicans, who were so cocky, that their coach, Horatio, left all their best
players out, and spread their players randomly.

[code:1:594590d6a3]SPAAM

F 2 Eromleb 13 Kru
. / \ / \
F / 10 Lûin \
MF 5 Dodd 11 Elrik
. \ /
M \ 8 Súrion /
MD 14 Pantel 6 Duran
. \ /
D 4 Bók 9 Súrion
. \ /
G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:594590d6a3]

[code:1:594590d6a3]BRAZILLICO

F 14 A. Cannon
F 11 S. Cannon
M 15 T. Cannon
M 7 Kilkenny
M 4 F. Cannon
M 9 Maracana
D 3 J Cannon
D 6 R Cannon
D 5 Batista
D 2 Palacio
G 40 Robinho
[/code:1:594590d6a3]

When the game started, the Brazillican players were all mean and pushy,
and said lots of nasty things to the Spaamanians, like, "watch out or you'll
blow away Meren!", or "hey Finrod, careful you don't crush her!" But the
Spaamanians didn't listen to the stinky Brazillicans, and kept on playing
their game.

Sometimes they tried to shoot for goal, but Alatári always caught the ball.
Sometimes they tried to come near Spaam's end, but Finrod always got
the ball from them. Sometimes they tackled one of the players, but Elen
always tackled back. The Brazillicans tried and tried to get past the
Spaamanians, but always the triplets stopped them.

But the Spaamanians weren't having any luck either. The Brazillican
defenders always made sure that Meren couldn't get the ball, and none of
the other players could score. The only person who didn't seem to be
trying very hard was Nala, who kept back and bided his time. In any case,
both teams went to the break, without any goals scored.

During the break, Melá asked Nala why he wasn't trying very hard. But he
only said, "these players are bullies and they aren't very smart. I can't
get past them yet, but soon enough they will make a mistake, and then I
will score." Melá just nodded and turned away, knowing that she had to
trust him.

Once the game started again, the Brazillicans were even meaner and
stinkier than before. Eventually, one of the strikers, a really ugly and
stinky guy called Alex, managed to get near the goal, and pushed Elen
down, before scoring a goal. All the Brazillicans in the crowd cheered, and
all their players cheered. But the Spaamanians and their players were all
very angry, and were sorely tempted to hit the Brazillicans. However Nala
just said to the team, "don't worry. I will score, and we will win. Just
keep on playing."

After the goal, the Spaamanians were angry, and rougher, and the
Brazillicans were all happy and cocky, so the game was more even. The
Brazillicans got less shots on goal, and the Spaamanians had more
chances. But even though they played better, the Spaamanians still
couldn't score a goal, and after 85 minutes had gone, it looked like they
were going to lose. And because of that, the Brazillicans were even
cockier.

Now, because Nala hadn't been trying very hard, the Brazillicans weren't
paying him much attention. All their attention was put on poor Meren, who
never got a chance to touch the ball. But now that they were even
cockier, Nala started to get some chances to score, and decided that now
was the perfect time to strike.

As soon as Nala got the ball next, the Brazillicans just assumed he was
going to pass it to someone else. But instead he started to run with the
ball, and when he got to the goal, shot it right past the goalkeeper. Boy
were the Brazillicans mad! The goalkeeper, who's name was Robinho,
which was a very stinky name, came up to Nala and said,
"You think you're so hot, huh? Lets see you do that again!"
Nala just smiled, and said, "Okay."

Then Nala went up to Elen and said to her, "can I kick off please?" Elen
just shrugged her shoulders and let him kickoff, because he just scored,
and may have saved the match for Spaam. But Nala didn't kick the ball to
someone else, he just ran with it. He ran past, one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven players, before coming to the goal, and kicking it past Robinho.

Everybody was amazed. Nala had just scored two goals, and put Spaam
into the lead! The Spaamanians were all rejoicing, and the Brazillicans
were furious. Robinho went up to Nala again, and said,
"Ok, lets see you do that one more time!"
But Nala just smiled, shook his head, and pointed to the clock.

89:58
89:59
90:00

And the referees whistle blew. Spaam had won!

Spaam had finally gotten their revenge for twenty years ago, and shown
the Brazillicans it doesn't pay to be cocky and mean and stinky and stupid.
Nala was the hero of the day, and everybody bought him milkshakes and
chilli dogs at the local corner store. And Finrod and Meren were nowhere
to be seen.

The End.

Spaam 2
(Eromleb 88, 89)
Brazillico 1
(Cannon 48 )

<<page four>>

The Green Mile:
Episode 8: The Ronglish Patient

Mr Woo: Here we are in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium, as we look forward to the Zucchinis next qualifying match against Rinkeby. With me is the legendary Ron Atkinson! So, what do you think of this fixture?

Mr Atkinson: Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.

Mr Woo: The Zucchinis have taken a commanding lead in qualifying. How do you think the Zucchinis will go into this match?

Mr Atkinson: They must go for it now as they have nothing to lose but the match.

Mr Woo: And referee starts the match off.

22 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And Rinkeby concede the free kick in a dangerous position. Woog over the ball.

Mr Atkinson: Yew Sei Biu, predating as usual...

Mr Woo: The cross into the box, and Yew heads it in for the Zucchinis’ first.

Mr Atkinson: They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball, they've headed it...

39 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Woog’s pass finds Shtaan in space…and he skews the shot well wide.

Mr Atkinson: He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate. He had acres of time there.

46 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And that’s the end of the first half, it’s 1-0 to the Zucchinis. Once again, Yew Sei Biu’s scoring talent cannot be denied.

Mr Atkinson: Well, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning. For me their biggest threat is when they get into the attacking part of the field.

Mr Woo: How do you think the teams will approach the second half after their first half display?

Mr Atkinson: If Mr Hurr said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration and focus.

Mr Woo: The players are back on the pitch and the second half will start soon.

52 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: It’s Zonk on the ball, he’s entering the area.

Mr Atkinson: He circumnavigated the defender there.

Mr Woo: Lots of tackles flying around Zonk…

Mr Atkinson: I think that was a moment of cool panic there. You don't want to be giving away free kicks in the penalty area.

Mr Woo: …and Zonk slots it away into the back of the net. The Zucchinis 2 up.

Mr Atkinson: They've come out at half time and gone bang.

65 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Woog on the ball. He goes for the long shot…saved by the Rinkeby keeper.

Mr Atkinson: Woog would have scored, but his shot was too perfect. You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the same time. The keeper should have saved that one, but he did.

78 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: The pass from Ppakkaddumm, and Shtaan smashes it into the back of the net. The keeper had no chance.

Mr Atkinson: The keeper was unsighted…he still didn't see it.

91 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: The whistle blows and Giant Zucchini runaway winners once again with a 3-0 win over Rinkeby.

Mr Atkinson: I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the game that it's there to be won...

Mr Woo: Do join us next week as we visit Creedence Clearwater to finish off the first half of World Cup qualifying. Until then, goodbye.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities/Clubs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Curious George
The Complete Bushisms (http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=76886)
Alan Shearer
Newcastle United
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter
HomeRun
Money No Enough
That One No Enough
I Not Stupid
Sherlock Holmes
Quotes from Sherlock Holmes (http://www.bcpl.net/~lmoskowi/HolmesQuotes/quotes.html)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: A Scandal in Bohemia
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of Black Peter
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Cardboard Box
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Dancing Men
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor
Sherlock Holmes: The Naval Treaty
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Norwood Builder
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Red Circle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Retired Colourman
Sherlock Holmes: The Final Problem
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Speckled Band
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Reigate Squire
The English Patient
Ron Atkinson
Football Quotes: Big Ron Atkinson - A Tribute (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/ron.html)

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

The song of victory
The Orange-Blues archieved a never-endangered 2-0 victory against the Avenging Altos. The rejistanian team seemed to be a bit surprised that the the team was entirely female, not just the players but also the coach and the AA-officials. the match took place in the jistavedian city Kalisimu in a stadium names after a famous kalisimunian player, who is not really known outside Jistaveda. Hajeri Jista was the one, who brought Kalisimu lavamje for the one and only time to the playoffs (where the team lost every game).

The Orange-Blue team clearly dominated the match, the women were not just smaller but also less skilled and so the chances they had were not very dangerous. In the 15th minute, midfielder Lyku Jaras had a good chance, but Oaks'he, the Avenging goalie, was at the right place at the right time. In the 27th minute, a fast shot of Jen Y hit Harwell and bounced into the net, the Kalisimuans cheered. 9 minutes later, Su'he doubled the lead after a corner shot from Inik Linkosa. The shot first reflected from the shoulder of Desmond'he (who apparently didn't want her hair to be ruined by a header) and then Su'he risked his hair to be ruined and his header proved to be unkeepable for Oaks'he. In the second half, the Avening Altos played a boring System Karela to avoid an even higher defeat, so the Rejistanians had not many chances.

A strange incidence happened after the game: Laughlin'he tried to sing a wine glass to pieces. Appaernetly she only succeeded in ruining SyLy's nerves, becuase he entered the dressing room and hit the glass into Laughlin'he's face. Laughlin'he is injured, but has not lost her eyesight. It is expected that SyLy will try everything to find a settlement out of court.

The result:
Rejistania 2 (Y 27th, Su 36th)
Avenging Altos 0

Scoreless, erratic draw
The Orange-Blues have finished the match against the Erratic Blobs, a nation of shape-changing, well, Blobs. Again it was a match in the Rejistanians outskirts, in the stadium of Matix Veran, to be exact. Again many rejistanian fans travelled long distances to be able to see a match of the Orange-Blues, but this time, it wasn't worth seeing.

The Blobs had some problems which were a bit strange: the heat of the tropical day nearly made them melt, but since the match took place in the evening, they had time to recover. SyLy didn't even sit on the bench after the Laughlin incident. The Hetkali Hetlasane striker Alan Ivelmore took his place. Ivelmore'he immigrated in during the war on Errorism and became a rejistanian citizen five years later.

The match had some problems: How do you define what is a handball, if the player is a shape-changing blob? and is it allowed that the goalie tries to cover the whole goal? The oglethorpian referee had really much problems with this since the rule books didn't cover these issues. Su'he solved the problem of a blob to cover the whole goal practically: In the 14th minute, he shot the ball so hard, that the ball and the blob landed in the goal, unfortunately, the goal was disallowed because of an offside position of Syku'he. Other chances were not sucessfull due to said blob. The blobs themselfes didn't have any chances to speak of. Their erratic play concntrated on the defense. The match ended in discussions and scoreless. Fans asked to get their money back.

The result:
Rejistania 0
Erratic Blobs 0

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Where's Willy?

The Brazillican mascot, Willy the Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat, was noticably
absent from their thrilling home game against Spaam. Willy is a crowd
favourite, though his image has been tainted in recent times by the bouts
of hooliganism at the Brazillico games. The crowd was comparitively
subdued at the match, in which a confident Brazillico was brought down by
two late goals to mystery striker Nala Eromleb, leading to a 2-1 win to the
visiting Spaam.

This was the second match, and second straight, that Brazillico has lost so
far in qualifying, the last match occurring in a field completely empty of
spectators, and thus Willy. Supporters are saying Willy is their good luck
charm, and unless he is present at their games, they will lose. However,
critics are saying Willy's absence is a good thing, as his presence promotes
holliganism. In any rate, everyone is hoping that he will be present at
their next game, against top ranked Oglethorpia.

Willy's spokeswoman said that Willy had been experiencing pain in the
groin area *** (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2766835&highlight=#2766835). We resisted the temptation to make the obvious joke.

Round 6 Wrapup

Holy India scored their fifth straight loss, and Jeruselem their first win,
when Holy India hosted the other holy team in theiir 6th round clash. The
2 nil score line also saw Holy India go down with their 12th straight
unanswered goal. Meanwhile, Oglethorpia scored their first loss of
qualifying, going down at home to suprise table toppers, the Eagles Nest,
one goal to nil, who are now the only unbeaten team left in the group.
Finally, the Weegies continue their road back to form, delivering the
winless BSE Free Bovines their 5th straight loss at home, 2 goals to one.

Spaam is now second on the table, equal with Oglethorpia in every way
except goals scored, and one point behind the Eagles Nest. There is then
a 5 point gap to 4th placed Brazillico, who are one point ahead of the
Weegies and Jeruselem, with Holy India and BSE Free Bovines rounding
out the group.

[code:1:4bad639c54]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Eagles Nest 6 4 2 0 11 4 +7 14
Spaam 6 4 1 1 13 6 +7 13
Oglethorpia 6 4 1 1 12 5 +7 13
Brazillico 6 2 2 2 9 7 +2 8
The Weegies 6 2 1 3 8 8 0 7
Jeruselem 6 1 4 1 7 8 -1 7
Holy India 6 1 0 5 3 17 -14 3
BSE Free Bovines 6 0 1 5 4 12 -8 1
[/code:1:4bad639c54]

East Spaam Lead Group 4

East Spaam continue to perform a little better than their big brothers,
hosting James A Hollar to a 3 goals to 1 win. Edgardo scored once in the
first half, after Hollar scored an early goal, while goal scoring maching
Elmo put the game out of reach with 2 goals in the second half. The win
sees East Spaam climb to top of Group 4, one point ahead of suprise
packet Gaddland, and a win ahead of Audioslavia and Eaglet.

[code:1:4bad639c54]
GROUP 4
Team P W D L F A GD Pts
East Spaam 6 4 1 1 11 3 +8 13
Gaddland 6 4 0 2 7 5 +2 12
Audioslavia 6 3 1 2 12 7 +5 10
Eaglet 6 3 1 2 10 9 +1 10
....
[/code:1:4bad639c54]

<<page five>>

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders wins battle of religion against Holy India

In a crushing blow to Holy India's chances, Jeruselem beat a subdued Holy India 2-0 in the 6th game of the World Cup XII. Spectators expected Holy India give the Jeruselem trouble after being trashed by other teams so far. Sadly Jeruselem was never really troubled despite wasting scoring chances and Holy India did not trouble the resolute Crusader defense.

Manny Jones who was out of form, struck a telling blow in the 34th minute with a trademark goal against a sluggish Indian defense beating 5 defenders and the keeper from the middle of pitch. Captain David Becks raised the Crusader flag with a devastating free kick which the Indian keeper was unable to handle.

Despite the win, Jeruselem is still an outside chance to make the next round as the Eagles, Spaam and Oglethorpia are heading Group 11.

Jeruselem 2
(Jones 34, Becks 78 )
Holy India 0

[code:1:d1ad3dfc5d]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Eagles Nest 6 4 2 0 11 4 +7 14
Spaam 6 4 1 1 13 6 +7 13
Oglethorpia 6 4 1 1 12 5 +7 13
Brazillico 6 2 2 2 9 7 +2 8
The Weegies 6 2 1 3 8 8 0 7
Jeruselem 6 1 4 1 7 8 -1 7
Holy India 6 1 0 5 3 17 -14 3
BSE Free Bovines 6 0 1 5 4 12 -8 1
[/code:1:d1ad3dfc5d]

*Opening Sequence Rolls*

Thomas Wickersham: Hello Welcome to World Cup Rundown. With the 6th matchday being played out last night we're going to have a look at how our allies and us stand before the halfway mak is met in 3 weeks time. But first of all let me introduce this morning's star guest, he manages our national side and holds the national goalscoring record, yes that's right, it's superstar Alan Belmore!

*Alan Belmore enters to a massive cheer*

Alan Belmore: Thank You.

TW: Congrats on the result, 3-0 was great wasn't it?

AB:You can't understand how happy we are. we've now had 4 good wins in a row and hopefully it will continue.

TW: The whole countries behind you. So, with you here I thought it was apt for us to start with Group 6

*Group standings are shown*
[code:1:178bc41c8d]Group 6
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Antaeus Rising 6 5 0 1 17 5 12 17 15 39
2 The Belmore Family 6 5 0 1 14 3 11 14 15 39
3 Zeronia 6 4 0 2 9 9 0 9 12 36
4 Liverpool England 6 3 1 2 8 7 1 8 10 34
5 Lovisa 6 2 2 2 6 6 0 6 8 32
6 Alex the Tall 6 2 1 3 7 11 -4 7 7 31
7 Garrard 6 0 1 5 5 14 -9 5 1 25
8 Stonedheads 6 0 1 5 2 13 -11 2 1 25[/code:1:178bc41c8d]

TW: So, first of all some stats from the group....
Out of 24 Games, 14 have been home wins, 7 away wins and 3 score draws. There have been 68 goals, 39 at home and 29 away with an average of 2.83 goals per match. There have been 12 clean sheets but with the most amount of goals in a match being 6. So, Alan, the only team we lag behind Antaeus Rising. How do you feel about that?

AB: I'm very pleased and Antaeus are a good team. They've won all their home matches and are unbeaten in 5. I think they could go a long way. I think Matchday 8 will decide who tops the group so that'll be undoubtedly our most important match of qualification.

TW: Moving onto our team are you pleased with their overall group success?

AB: Yes, I'm delighted. Unbeaten at home, we've won our last 4 games, 15 points out of a possible 18, it's hard to be disapointed. However I was not pleased on Matchday 2 with that shocking loss to Lovisa but we're pulling up now and things look like going well for us.

TW: So, straight below you is Zeronia on 12 points, up untill the last game they were doing stunningly well weren't they?

AB: Yes, again another team with a great home record. They really have shocked the group, losing only to us and Liverpool England. Scoring 9 goals on their way to the 3rd posistion, I fancy this team to get the play-offs.

TW: Of course, that would kick out Liverpool England who are surprisingly low placed down in 4th.

AB: I think their now out of their prime. Starting in World Cup 6 and then winning World Cup 8 I think was a bit too early and they got too cocky with their success in World Cup 9 aswell they started to plummit and not qualifying for this cup could help them do well in the next cup, especially if they host it :wink:.

TW: Moving down onto Lovisa, European Champions. Our only loss, are you surprised they're so low.

AB: To be honest, no. What big teams are there in the European Championships? They were lucky to beat us, but I think they could be good in a few cups coming.

TW:Moving on to the only team that really has any chance of qualifying, Alex the Tall. What do you think there prospects for this cup are?

AB:Well, they may be only on 7 points, but don't write them off just yet. They still have 4 home games against us, Stonedheads, Zeronia, Lovisa and Antaeus Rising where there are atleast 9 points up for the taking. Also note they will probably pick up 3 points away to us, Liverpool England and Gerrard. So they still have got a little in them.

TW: Now onto the bottom two, Stonedheads and Gerrard.

AB: Yes, they have as much chance of qualifying for the finals as we do for hosting a world cup. To start with Stonedheads, they haven't scored at home and their best result is a 1-1 draw with the failures from Liverpool England. They have no hope. Up next is Gerrard who, out of their last 4 home games have managed one 1-1 to "were so great European Champions" Lovisa. They will probably both be out by Matchday 8, and if not 9.

TW:Your predication for this group?

AB: First, The Belmore Family, Second, Antaeus Rising, third, Zeronia

TW: Now moving swiftly on to Group 2 where Belmorian Scandinavia stand 3rd.

*Group Standings Show*

[code:1:178bc41c8d]Group 2
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Oddslavo 6 4 2 0 15 3 12 15 14 38
2 Candombe 6 3 2 1 8 7 1 8 11 35
3 Belmorian Scandinavia 6 3 0 3 9 8 1 9 9 33
4 NASTIC 2 6 2 2 2 12 8 4 12 8 32
5 Ravenspire 6 2 1 3 6 7 -1 6 7 31
6 Oilermania 6 1 3 2 7 10 -3 7 6 30
7 Fenisia 6 2 0 4 3 12 -9 3 6 30
8 New Riel 6 1 2 3 7 12 -5 7 5 29[/code:1:178bc41c8d]
TW: Some statistics from Group 2...
Out of the 24 games, there were 7 home wins, 11 away wins, 5 score draws and 1 no score draw. The groups 67 goals were shared out with 29 home goals and 38 way goals averaging at 2.79 goals per match. Despite 14 clean sheets being kept there have been 5 goals in 1 match. So Alan, with Belmorian Scandinavia falling behind Oddslavo and Candombe how do you see their chances?

AB: To start with Oddslavo, they are a good team, they reached the Quarter Finals in World Cup 8 and now are looking like having an upsergance. Having won their last 3 away games, alongside being unbeaten so far, things are looking good for the Oddslavians.

TW: Moving down, we can see unranked Candombe in second, surprising?

AB: Yes, I had not seen this this team before the cup and they've proved to be very good, even beating Belmorian Scandinavia 2-1 at home. I like this team, they've got good flair, but, don't think they're going to qualify. I think teams underestimated these guys on their first run but on the return leg I think they'll be more prepared for batle and bring home the results.

TW: Cool. Moving onto Belmorian Scandinavia, how do you think they've fared?

AB: Not as well as I expected. Not winning at home is awful. I really expect them to pick themselves up in the next 8 matches, they need to if they want to qualify and I hope they do.

TW: So right on Belmorian Scandinavia's tail is NASTIC 2. What are your impressions on them?

AB: They're doing well. Unbeaten in 4 and undefeated away, thinl they've got a good chance but there are teams they need to be aware of, and they need to play excellently to succeed and I think they might just manage a play-off spot, but it'll be tough for them.

TW: Now one of the real surprises of the qualification. Ravenspire on 7 points.

AB: I know, very big surprise, I think the problems started with the draw at Oilermania in the first matc and things have gone downhill from there. Only managing to scrape wins at Fensia and NASTIC 2. They need to smarten up and stop giving the opponent too much space if they are to get into the top 3.

TW: OK, we're running out of time so could you just talk about the bottom 3 to finish us off please.

AB: Sure. Starting with Oilermaina, this team is very good at getting draws 3 home draws has amassed to half their points. Destroying Belmorian Scandinavia 3-1 they have proved to be a medicore team and could be good in the future. Moving lower to Fensia who have got their points through much different means. Two great wins at the start of the cup against NASTIC 2 and Oilermania left them ontop the group but then they just seemed to faulter loosing 4 games on the trot. Hopefully they'll be able to pull back up the leader board to ensure a good ranking. And finally New Reil who haven't been performing well at all. getting only 1 win in 6, against strugglers Ravenspire, I doubt we'll see these guys in Kaze Progressa or Lemmitania.

TW: Quickly your predictions?

AB: Oddslavo top, Ravenspire second and BeS thrid.

*Credits roll along bottom of screen*

TW: That's all we've got for now, see you in 3 weeks time after Matchday 7, The Belmore Family Vs Alex the Tall.

Wahrheit
The only truth

First Defeat of Stalag 5 in WC XII

Headquarter It was the first defeat of our glorious team in WC XII last night. 0:3 against Warnocks Wizards. We can't help but we have to blame the referee. Last matchday Timway did not appear, this matchday the referee was WW's 12th man on the pitch. Our presumption of a WCC conspiration against Stalag 5 was supported last night. Three players of Stalag 5 got red cards, 8 a yellow one. On the other side the Wizards scored twice from an off-side-position, but the referee did not accept the protests neither from Stalag players nor from Ausbilder Schmidt. Schmidt also had to leave the bench, after calling the referee "Gottverdammte Lusche, wenns du in meiner Einheit wärst, ich würd dich den Kasernenhof sauberlecken lassen!" We don't know, whether the referee really understood, but it did not seem so, because Schmidt has not been banned for the next match against SN 38.

Final Scoring
STALAG_5 0
WW 3
Skairash the Bald (53rd)
Ashmazh the Tough (68th)
Ishklash the Snooty (72nd)

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Meren Quashes Anorexia Rumours

Claims that Meren Lûin, star striker for the Spaamanian national football
team, have fiercely denied in a post match interview. "Eating disorder?
Thats a laugh!" she said, "I eat 6 WeetBix in the morning, and you don't
want to know what I eat the rest of the day. I just wasn't feeling well
during the banquet." Recent pictures show her looking healthy and
decidedly un-anorexic.

http://www.starpages.net/photos/7/5/1061755375.img_1.jpg

Lisa Cannon's Eating Disorder

On the subject of eating disorders, it appears that Brazillican striker, Lisa
Cannon, may be suffering from a REAL eating disorder. Recent pictures of
her show her looking thin and emancipated, and rumour has it that she
was not picked for the match against Spaam because of it. At very least,
she needs immediate counselling for her fashion sense.

http://202.167.40.26/auscelebs/images/kylie/kylie13.jpg

Why Group 11 Is The Best

If you have a look at the RP bonuses, Group 11 has a total of 20.75 bonus
points, from 7 of the 8 nations. The closest competitors are Groups 9 and
3, who only have a total of 5.1. This means that Group 11 RPs at least 4
times as much as any other group. And no other group has so many
RPers in it, with the closest being Groups 3 and 5 with only 4 regular
RPers.

<<page six>>

OOC

Go Group 11! Spaam the champion Spaamer :)

Les Bleus just not Strong

Although, from the standings, it appears that Les Bleus are once again doing well for the qualifying round, if you look deeper into it, they just haven't been the same team as last world cup qualifying. Les Bleus playng their 6th match, were playing at home against Creedence Clearwater, and finished with a 1 - 1 tie. The coach was asked what he thinks, and said... "I haven't a clue, this is pretty much the same team as last world cup, with a few missing due to injury, but we just don't have the desire or whatever to win. Hopefully, the team will pick up and start winning in the 2nd half of qualifying.

Day 1: Eauz @ Giant Zucchini L 1 - 4
Day 2: AlanShearer @ Eauz W 0 - 2
Day 3: Eauz @ Squornshelous T 0 - 0
Day 4: Mattigool @ Eauz T 2 - 2
Day 5: Eauz @ Valient W 4 - 0
Day 6: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 1 - 1
Day 7: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Day 8: Giant Zucchini @ Eauz
Day 9: Eauz @ AlanShearer
Day 10: Squornshelous @ Eauz
Day 11: Eauz @ Mattigool
Day 12: Valient @ Eauz
Day 13: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Day 14: Eauz @ Rinkeby

[code:1:4e161ed111]Group 7
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Giant Zucchini 6 5 1 0 17 5 12 17 16 40
2 Eauz 6 2 3 1 10 7 3 10 9 33
3 Squornshelous 6 2 2 2 6 6 0 6 8 32
4 Creedence Clearwater 6 2 1 3 9 9 0 9 7 31
5 Rinkeby 6 2 1 3 5 8 -3 5 7 31
6 Valient 6 2 1 3 6 13 -7 6 7 31
7 Mattigool 6 1 3 2 10 11 -1 10 6 30
8 AlanShearer 6 1 2 3 6 10 -4 6 5 29
[/code:1:4e161ed111]

Mattigool Sports

Gools draw against MRC Champion

(Goolsund) Against MRC Champion AlanShearer the Gools only reached a draw last night at Sundpark Stadium. It was their second match against a regional rival during WC XII and again they could not win, although 40.000 wanted them to. But AlanShearer played like they did before, and that means unforeseen. You never knew what they would do next moment. It started with an owngaol by AS defender Jarzombek, when Gamsten's corner already seemed to be cleared. It ended with a long range shot from 45 meters by AS midfielder DiGiorgio. In the meantime AlanShearer first egalized the Gools' lead, then the Gools again went in the lead by another fabulous Kristensen goal.
Although on place 6 now, everything is still possible in group 7, because the 2nd placed Eauz have just 3 points more than the Gools have.

The Gools started with
Klokset; Bertheussen, Lagerfeld, Johansen, Grotta Grav; Pedersen, Gamsten, S. Sokol, Strand; Kristensen, J. Sokol;
AlanShearer
Heybourne; Reifert, Byford, Jarzombek, Kilmister(c); McMaster, DiGiorgio, Ward, Friedman; Shelton, Hamm

Final Scoring:
MATTIGOOL 2
Jarzombek (37th, og)
Kristensen (69th)
ALANSHEARER 2
Hamm (51st)
DiGiorgio (83rd)

STRIKE BIRDS DEFEAT #14 OGLETHORPIA

Eagle's Nest Top of the Group 11 Standings After 1-0 Win

In what has the be the greatest upset known in recent times, the unranked, rookie team of the Strike Birds defeated Group favorite Oglethorpia 1-nil in a game marred by confusion, insanity, and injury.

Ceremonies to honor Archy Ferninand's retirement were quickly postponed when it was notified that he did not make the trip to the Silver Flame Stadium as he had assured all that he would be. The game was played under tight security. All steaks, evisceratomoatoes, and various other food items were confiscated, Parents were given face shields to shield their children from the streakers, and a WCC helicopter patrolled the empty airspace above the stadium. Nothing's going to go wrong...Right?

3 minutes in.

Yep, THREE MINUTES IN, tragedy struck the stadium, as a section that held about 50 Oglethorpia fans suddenly collapsed. In respect for the fans, the players all kneeled and allowed the clock to continue to run while everyone watched in horror. Preliminary reports are that 22 of them were taken to the hospital for treatment, and the rest were reassigned to other areas after they had been cleared medically. An invisetigation immediately began, and sketchy reports are that the supports were weakened by some type of red, acidic liquid. It's being tested right now.

After the tragedy was dealt with, with about 15 minutes left on the clock in teh first half, the Birds stood up, the Wonderteam stood up, and the Birds deployed their first trick of the day. They shifted out of their traditional 4-3-4 and shifted to a 5-1-5 formation that got two quick shots on goal, but no points. The Wonderteam was momentarily stunned, but quickly adjusted their formation to match. It appeared that the Birds were going to play for all or nothing ball, but neither team could get a true scoring chance after that and the teams went to the locker room tied at zero.

During halftime, while the halftime show was going on, another section of the stadium was discovered to be weakened by the same red liquid. It again, was another small section of Oglethorpia fans. However they were evacuated, and supports brought in to prop up that section. Two other sections of the stadium were also found to be damaged and evacuated.

After half the Birds came out again in the 5-1-5 formation and it then appeared that they were going to go for the 0-0 tie to gain a crucial point when they shifted to a 3-1-7 formation. After 20 minutes of this, the Wonderteam got tired of this and pushed into a 7-1-3 formation to try to break through. While some fans wondered if this was even legal, the official did nothing, and the attack failed with a brilliant save by goalkeeper Adams.

However what happened next showed the true brilliance of Coach Aefnen, the 3-17 shifted to a 6-2-3 on the run. Like a fast break in basketball, it appeared the full team ran towards the goal and the outnumbered defenders of the Wonderteam had no chance. A pass from Bigelow to Grotunia set up a lob pass into the box that was headed up right into the box over a diving Yamamoto. While again, the fans wondered about the legality of that formation, the officials counted the goal. The Birds immediately went back to a 2-4-5 and protected their 1-0 lead for the next 20 minutes. Calhoun and White of the Wonderteam both got good chances, but Adams was up to the challenge on both. As time expired, the fans were in deleria as their Birds had won the biggest game of their short career.


J. Adams on the goal.

"Perfect pass, perfect lob, All I had to do was direct it past their goalie. Great play."

Coach Aefnen on the formation changes.

"Is it legal? I think so, it if itsn't I'll be told about it before next game. But the official couonted the goal, and the game is over, so really nothing to be done about it. But with these high ranked teams, you HAVE to do new things, things they havn't seen. Otherwise their scouts will kow everything about you and pick you apart when you play them. Spaam has been coming on strong of late. This match will be harder than the last one. Besides, I told you yesterday if we could win one of the next two games, we'd be in a good place...we did that."

Minster of Security on the collapses.

"Our investigation has determined that the collapses are not accidents. I mean come on, 4 sections collapse, and all on under visiting fans? Something's going on here. Report from the hospital has 2 in serious condition with internal damage, and the others have all benn released. Apart from the two in the hosptial, the worst injury was a broken leg."


Tomorrow's game at Spaam will kick off at 1:30 pm. Make sure your passports and tickets are in order before you leave.

Scoring

Eagle's nest
J. Adams 73:14 (5)

Oglethorpia
None

Yellow Cards
None

Group 11 Matchday 6

Holy India 0 Jeruselem 2
The Weegies 2 BSE Free Bovines 1
Brazillico 1 Spaam 2
The Eagles Nest 1 Oglethorpia 0

Jeruselum won the holy war 2-0 over the Tea Bags, but didn't help their ranking much as The Weegies nothced their second win of qualifying over BSE Free Bovines which has the infamous distinction of being the only team that has less points than the tea bag (shameless plug for BSE Free Bovines to beat the TEA BAGS), and Spaam stayed close to the Birds with a 2-1 at Brazillico. The match tomorrow at Spaam should give a good indicator of who has the inside track to win the Group.

A programming note, expect a mid rotation special after the game from Spaam looking in depth at the group.

In other news, Baseball shortstop Alexi Roderragagagagaez was traded to the New Snork Devils in return for car parts and money. The Nesmian owner claimed that it was just another sign of what is wrong with baseball. The Devils owner, Lord Paininthearse said in response, "Deal. Just Deal with it crybaby."

Eagle's Nest Results
Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India Win 3-0
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem Tie 2-2
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies Win 2-1
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines Win 2-0
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia Win 1-0
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam

Group 11 Unofficial Standings
[code:1:919b2aa9fd]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
The Eagles Nest 6 4 2 0 11 4 +7 14 38
Oglethorpia 6 4 1 1 12 5 +7 13 37
Spaam 6 4 1 1 13 6 +7 13 37
Brazillico 6 2 2 2 9 7 +2 8 32
The Weegies 6 2 1 3 8 8 0 7 31
Jeruselem 6 1 4 1 7 8 -1 7 31
Holy India 6 1 0 5 3 17 -14 3 27
BSE Free Bovines 6 0 1 5 4 12 -8 1 25
[/code:1:919b2aa9fd]

TIMWAY REMAINS PAINFULLY MEDIOCRE

Despite fans pleading for excitement, Timway's national Tigers continued to bore, as they muddle through group 3 in third place. Ideas for publicity stunts are now being accepted as the team hopes to increase awareness. The team is calling the White House for ideas for photo-ops for (relatively) more recognizable team members. With qualifying almost halfway complete, the team is slightly down in the battle for airtime with ALF reruns.

With more news later, if excitement warrants, this reporter is signing off.

BOVINE TIMES

HORACE RETURNS : BOVINES LOSE 2-1 ON THE ROAD

WEEGIE TOWN

Horace, the Bovines beloved mascot returned to the sidelines yesterday to the delight of the Bovine fans. This was Horace's first public appearance since the ugly steak throwing incident during the Brazillico match. The mascot seemed relaxed and cheerful although he did not wander too far from the Bovine bench and the small contingent of fans that made the trip to The Weegies to see the match. A member of the Bovine delegation, who wished to remain anonymous revealed to us that, "Horace was outfitted with hidden security devices under his uniform. These items were meant to protect the mascot in case of another meat throwing incident." Asked to be more specific, he revealed that "Horace had been issued protective items that would lessen the effects both blunt and penetrating trauma caused by different cuts of meat. People don't realize the danger of serious injury from thrown meats. Boneless cuts such as the sirloin that hit Horace in the head during the Brazillico match can cause concussions and internal hemorrhaging. The bone-in cuts such as ribs can cause deep cuts and internal damage if they are thrown with enough force. Frozen or large cuts of beef of any kind can be lethal specially if thrown from the upper galleries."

The Weegies security forces were on high alert before and during today's match. It was obvious that they did not want a repeat of the incidents that have marred some of the recent Group 11 qualifying matches. The Weegies even asked the Bovine security team to bring their large hungry dogs to check the fans for any meat before they entered the stadium. Security forces reported only two minor incidents before the start of the match. Both involved fans carrying meat products while on cue to enter the stadium. In one incident, a drunken fan forgot that he had a steak sandwich in his coat. The fan agreed to eat the sandwich before entering the secured area beyond the stadium gates. In the second incident, a fan tried to pass the security check with a small piece of meat which was detected by one of the security dogs. The fan relunctantly gave the piece of meat to the dog and was allowed to proceed into the seating area.

The football match was an uninspired affair which seemed overshadowed by all of the security measures and the return of Horace. The Bovine fans gave up their usual BSE, BSE, BSE FREE chants, for chants of HORACE, HORACE. This inspired the mascot and the team at the start of the match.

The Bovines played well during the first half showing some good midfield play which had been lacking in the past few matches. The twins Friesian and Holstein combined with playmaker Piedmontese for some pretty passing and possesion in the midfield, unfortunately they could not breakdown a well orgazined Weegie defense. The Weegie team sat back in a defensive posture throughout the first half coming forward only during a few quick counters caused by good defensive plays by Bryant and Johnstone in the back. These two defenders managed to cut off Bovine passes and feed McCann at midfield, he did a good job of distributing the ball to Hardie and Dunn up front. The two strikers had trouble finishing off their chances and pushed many shots and headers wide of the mark. The first half ended nil-nil.

The second half started off with both teams trying to establish control of the midfield. McCann continued to push the ball forward and in the 70th minute he was taken down by Holstein just outside the box. The Bovine midfielder earned a yellow card for his challange. McCann approached the ball as if to take a monster shot, but instead just pushed it to Hardie who had a much better angle and this time put the ball on target beating goalkeeper Devon high and to the right. The Weegies got their second goal just 5 minutes later on a quick counter as the Bovines tried to push for the equalizer. This time Ferguson and McCann combined for a defensive stop at midfield. McCann raced with the ball to the edge of the box. As the Bovine defenders tried to close him down he quickly looped the ball over them towards an onrushing Hardie, who deflected the ball over the defenders and the keeper for The Weegies second tally.

The Bovines brought in Limousin and Simmental into the midfield and removed the more defensive minded Jersey and Brown. The change provided them with a goal in the 85th minute. Piedmontese and Simmental combined for a pretty give and go at the edge of the box. The play sprung the young midfielder into the box.
The Weegie keeper Britton managed the initial save but the rebound came right back to Simmental who wasted no time putting it back into the net. The Bovines continued to press for the equalizer but The Weegies would have none of it as they fell back into a defensive shell and withstood the Bovine attacks until the final whistle.

The Bovines next match will be at home versus Holy India.

The Daily Druid

CLONE GOAL
Ian Question-Mark in Cefn for NEWI Cefn Druids 1 Tanah Burung 2

The people of NEWI Cefn Druids were confused by this match, their fourth defeat in a row, as the ‘Cloned Crocs’ (as they’ve become known here in Cefn) seemed to malfunction before our very eyes.

The clone of the legendary Ab Francisco seemed to score five times, yet by the end of the match, the score was only two one. Experts say that this could be down to the fact that the sense of time is different for clones than others, and that the clone of the great Francisco felt that the 105 minutes of the match and the half time interval was in fact only 45 minutes. However, these being Druid experts, then this is probably the most ridiculous excuse ever thought up.


Final score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 1 [Francisco o.g. 47]
Tanah Burung 2 [Francisco 12, 37]

Druids team: Erg; Kallins, Pearson, Lanton, Seaton; James, Trevor, Leyghton, Simpson; Frederiksson, Greaves.

GETTING BETTER
Ian Question-Mark in Svecia for Svecia 1 NEWI Cefn Druids 1

After battling against the clones of Tanah Burung to little effect, the Druids did not travel to Svecia in the best of moods. However, their performance this time round was much sturdier, earning themselves their first point since the opening day of qualifying. It seemed that the Druids were happy simply to be playing against a team of real people.

It was a tight match, and the Druids best performance since their opening day victory. They took the lead midway through the first half, when Frederiksson was allowed a free header from a James corner, and the ball flew past the helpless Svecia goalkeeper.

The lead did not last until half time though. Just before the interval, another corner led to an almost identical goal scored by Cardini. The second half was equally as competitive, but no more goals were scored.

Druids team: Erg; Kallins, Pearson, Lanton, Seaton; James, Trevor, Leyghton, Simpson; Frederiksson, Greaves.

On a final note, the opening of the new NEWI Cefn Druids national stadium, The Hole, near Mawr, has been severely delayed, and may only be ready for the final home qualifying game against Svecia. The match against Halfassedstates will now be played in the new 51,000 seater stadium in Graymouth, the CheminduStadium.



VERBAL DIARRHOEA NOT AS BAD AS FIRST THOUGHT
Eleanor Kilgannon in Spaam

The epidemic of Verbal Diarrhoea that has spread across Spaam is thought not to be the most threatening, it has been confirmed today.

Developments have shown that there have been no reported cases of Acute Verbal Diarrhoea (Talkus Boringus Bastardus). The only forms found to date have been the two less dangerous forms, Harsh Verbal Diarrhoea (Talkus Slagus Offus) and Comical Verbal Diarrhoea (Talkus Humourus Arpius). However, sufferers from the Harsh variant of the syndrome could prove offensive to those who try to question sufferers. Readers are reminded that if they think they have come into contact with a Verbal Diarrhoea sufferer, they should contact their GP immediately.

EDIT: (OOC: Thanks, Bedi. I was in a hurry at the time. Silly mistake to make. Guess we just aren't used to not losing.)

The Port Lusambo Citizen-Tribune

Mediagate Returns?
Readers confused by Daily Druid article

NEWI CEFN DRUIDS -- An article in today's publication of the Daily Druid, the most respected news source in NEWI Cefn Druids, has reportedly confounded many international readers due to an apparent inconsistency.

In the article's subtitle, a match result is quoted as "Svecia 1 NEWI Cefn Druids 0". Yet, the article goes on to claim that the Druids took the lead about 20-25 minutes into the match with a Frederiksson header, and it also mentions that the Druids "earn[ed] themselves their first point since the opening day of qualifying", implying that the match ended in a draw rather than a Druid loss.

"We're not certain what could cause this problem," says renowned Bedistani newspaper specialist Bill Hearst. "There was a similar problem several years back, though, so this isn't the first time it's happened."

In other news, the Sloas administration is vehemently denying rumors of a verbal diarrhea outbreak in Bedistan...

[OOC: ;)]

Bulldogs Grab "First Solid Win In A While", Says Quigley
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - Commerce Heights finally managed to come out onto the field at National Stadium and play a great game of soccer against Grand master Mark. McCormick started the scoring early in the 3rd minute, taking advantage of a gaping hole in the defense and putting the Bulldogs up 1-0. The lead was easily increased to 2-0 in the 29th minute with a long kick by Hufschmidt past the unsupsecting goalkeeper, and the score would remain there until halftime. At halftime, the CHFF announced the contents of the third sealed envelope that had been received the day before. Although some expected it to be something important, it turned out to be a WC13 co-hosting bid offer from The Lowland Clans. Though analysts believe that a different hosting bid will be chosen, the CHFF has not officially made a decision yet. Though the players were momentarily distracted by the terrible thought of a CH-TLC World Cup, they managed to get it out of their minds later in the second half. Towards the end of the game, Sherwood and Quigley scored some more goals, giving the Bulldogs a 4-0 win.
(15) Commerce Heights 4 (McCormick 3, Hufschmidt 29, Sherwood 78, Quigley 87)
(NR) Grand master Mark 0 - FT
In other news, substitute defender Alan Belmore is currently undergoing questioning by the WCC for any possible relation to the referee and other officials at the Costa Lot game. The balls that were red-carded in the Costa Lot and Patinhas games will be able to return to normal use for tommorrow's game at The Master Cooper.

D2R Times

D2R pull off shock victory

D2R fans all over D2R rejoiced as the team came out victorious in a match which even D2R bookies had as a heavy loss to D2R. The whole team back to fitness, and the normal 11 were playing. Surprisingly, D2R were the dominant team, but New Montreal States were more effective on the break, with 10 shots on target, D2R with only 3. With D2R having lots of possession, and New Montreal States with quick, effective counter-attacks, something was bound to happen. In the 62nd minute, Jack Vivid smashed a volley into the top corner, beyond the NMS's goalkeepers reach. Another assist from Maeda. Travelling NMS fans, were dissapointed losing to D2R's small team, and with nothing much to boost their spirit's for the rest of the game, they will be looking for something from their team in the next game. Delight for Terry Freeze and his team though.

Final Score: Dance 2 Revolution 1 - 0 New Montreal States

The Indigo Islands lack of goal scoring has caught up with them. Two more scoreless games have moved the Red-Tailed Mollies from third to fifth.

This reporter is too depressed to continue about today’s match. This is the point where we normally show highlights but there are no highlights to show. It was an uninspired and boring 90 minuets of passing back and forth.

A small room is packed to capacity, with reporters, cameras and operators. A mahogany podium with the Brazillican national crest stands center stage towards the front of the room, with a forest-green wallpaper with light, thin yellow vertical lines immediately behind it. A door to the left of the podium opens and the room erupts in a clutter as Sandro Dilberto, the elected president of Brazillico enters the room. Dilberto confidently struts to the podium, makes a sharp ninety degree turn towards the crowd and prepares to speak.

President Sandro Dilberto:My fellow Brazillicans and our friends from abroad, I come with this urgent address to say that our fine nation of Brazillico is being targeted and victimized. Not by bombs, gunpoint, or anthrax, no, the evil we are facing is much worse than that. We are currently being bombarded by foreign propaganda, hailing from the nation of Spaam.

Spaam has decided to critique Brazillico’s education system and attack the intelligence of Brazillicans everywhere. “Since the people of Brazillico are naturally simple, we decided to write this review of this game in language they could
understand,” said the United Spaam Sports Weekly, “A kindergarten bedtime story.” This bedtime story was called Spaam Goes to Hell, outlining an overly glammerized Spaamanian squad’s adventures in Brazillico. Now I don’t know about how you feel about that, but when I read that I get angry. Angry someone would take a cheap shot at our proud nation like that. Angry for the 99.9% of the Brazillican population who has gone to school. Angry for the taxpayers, because they’re letting foreigners make them think that the millions they put into the education system is going nowhere!

Sure, we’ve received a lot of Gilmeecian refugees over the past few decades, but gosh darn it, we’re still the 113,546th stupidest nation in the world. I think Spaam should wake up, smell the Starbucks, and fix up their education system before they start ragging on ours.

If the slander would have stopped there, I would have been angry, but I could have turned the other cheek, and look the other way. However, Spaam was not content to simply sully our grand nation once and had to attack it upon all fronts. The USSW publication likewise assaulted Brazillico’s aesthetic beauty. They referred to us as being “Ugly, stupid and stinky”. Now, it’s personal.

If the USSW was some right-wing fringe publication, I’d let these vicious and fraudulent accusations roll of my back. However, since the United Spaam Sports Weekly is a fully government owned, I am outraged.

We truly do feel bad for the people of Spaam, who live under a corrupt government who need to make vicious allegations to get attention from the international community. Of course, since it’s well known that Brazillicans are much more sophisticated than Spaam, we will not joust with this fascist regime using childish insults. In fact, we in Brazillico feel so bad for the Spaamanian people that we would like to give one million dollars in culinary aid to help feed the starving children of Spaam. We can only pray that Meren Luin receives a portion of that.

Spaam’s war of words has even extended to some of our finest private citizens, with the USSW calling our team cocky. They even had the audacity to single out several people, like Willy, our loveable Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat and Lisa Cannon. I’d like to straighten out the record once and for all that Lisa does not have an eating disorder and that picture which was posted in the USSW of her was merely Jean Claude Van Spaam’s mother in her eveningwear.

As I said before, we shall not retaliate with petty and childish insults such as the one’s that Spaam has so viciously attacked us with. We shall not take military action and retaliate with the mouths of our cannons, as we would likewise be stooping to their level. We shall settle our differences on the grassy pitch, the field of dreams and we shall retaliate with the feet of our strikers.

Good night and god bless Brazillico.

Dilberto turns around and exits the podium area as flashes furiously go off from the reporter’s cameras. A myriad of people rush towards the door, trying to ask that all important question, but Dilberto is escorted by security out the door, without having to say a word.

An Open Letter To President Sandra Dilbert

Dear Ms President,

I write to you, not to discredit you, but to address some of the issues that
you have brought up in you recent press release to the people of the
Formerly Jingoistic States of Brazillico, and to the world in general. It is
well known that your national policy has been one of extreme nationalism
characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy, as defined by your
nation's very name. However, I hope that I may speak to you, Presidente
a Presidente, in order to clear the air of mistrust and anger between our
two great nations.

To say that your nation has been targeted and victimised by mine is
extremely unfair. Firstly, to say that you have been bombarded by foreign
propaganda is simply not true. The United Spaam Sports Weekly is not a
publication that we distribute throughout the world, rather, it is produced
and distribute here, and only sent overseas to those nations that wish to
read an alternative view on sport, and to know the events that occur with
respect to our nation. We distribute less than ten million issues overseas,
and less than five percent of that to your nation. To say that you are
being bombarded is pure exaggeration.

Secondly, I do not think it is fair to say that we are in the business of
foreign propoganda, which is a decidedly un-liberal venture. Our nation is
in the top 6 percent most liberal nations in the world, whereas yours is in
the bottom 30 percent. Your omnipresent government suppresses private
enterprise, and it is well known that dissenters to your way of thinking tend
to vanish from their homes at night. For a government, whose civil and
political freedoms are seriously curbed, to say that we engage in
propganda is simply unfair, when our civil and political freedoms have
been described as superb and excellent.

Now, to matter of clarification. The story was not called "Spaam Goes To
Hell", but rather "Spaam Teaches Brazillico A Much Needed Lesson In
Football". I will assume that it was your unfortuante case of dyslexia that
led you to believe that the former was the case.

With respect to education, I assume that you are not aware of our
education policies. We are aware that education is one of your primary
concerns, along with "defence", but education is THE primary
concern of our government. Being the 7000th least stupid nation in the
world is without a doubt, a great achievement for your proud nation. We
look forward to the day when you are the 3000th least stupid, as we are.
So you say that we should only criticise your education system when it is
better than yours? Well, if that is your wish, I am happy to comply.

Now, when it was said that the review was written in a language that your
people could understand, I would've assumed that the great majority of
your nation would be able to understand a kindergarten bedtime story.
However, you seem to disagree with me there, implying that the majority
of your people are not at the level of literacy that is necessary to
understand a simple children's tale. Of course, you would know your own
better than myself, but I cannot help but have the opinion that you are too
harsh on yourself. I would be willing to wager that at least 60 percent of
your nation could comprehend the review.

If we now address the question of economics, I believe it is widely agreed
on that your nation is naturally richer than ours, though our financial
situation is still one of the best in the world. However, to only spend a
number of millions on our education system seems to be miserly in teh
extreme. As education is a primary concern for both our proud nations,
and as we manage to spare amounts in the area of billions on our
education system, I am sure that you are well able to do the same. This is
merely friendly advice, from one President to another.

Now before I continue, I would like to assure you that it is not my opinion
that you are "ugly, stupid, and stinky". As a gesture of sincerity, Sandra, I
will include your picture in this letter:

http://www.proceso.com.mx/imgs/2292003-george-bush.jpg

As another matter of clarification, the United Spaam Sports Weekly is not a
government owned publication, but an enitrely independent production.
The concept of private enterprise may be completely foreign to you, but
these things do exist and are in fact wide-spread throughout my nation.
So as a result, though I am confident that the United Spaam Sports
Weekly makes every attempt to represent the opinions of the Spaamanian
people, as is also the intention of my government, it does not necessarily
reflect the opinion of my government.

Our government is most grateful that you have noticed our food shortage,
and your compassion, for which you are well known, is most appreciated.
However, as we are not in the habit of accruing large amounts of debt, we
will be able to manage this situation on our own, most likely by importing
food from East Spaam, which has not been affected by this food shortage.
And I am sure that Meren Lûin will receive as much as anyone else. It is
just as well that she is not anorexic.

I have it on good authority that the picture that the United Spaam Sports
Weekly published was indeed of Lisa Cannon, and was verified by
numerous independent authorities. Jean Claude Van Spaam, as a matter
or clarification, is an orphan, as his mother died in childbirth. In any case,
a number of independent medical authorities have stated in the media,
that it is most likely the case that Lisa Cannon is suffering from an eating
disorder. I present to you, yet another picture that would confirm this
hypothesis.

http://www.buliinfo.hu/bravo/pics/Kylie.jpg

With respect to Willy, he was missed by the Spaamanians as much as the
Brazillicans. He was quite unfortunate to receive a groin injury.

In conclusion, I find that your press statement was unfair, and included
numerous inaccuracies that I can only help but attribute to substandard
members of your cabinet. However, I welcome your intention on
retaliating on the football field. It is unfortunate that you will lose.

Yours in friendship,
President Fin DeCáno,
President of the United Nations of Spaam

Strike Birds Handed First Loss

Spaam Narrowly Defeats the Eagle's Nest 1-0

The unbeaten run of the Strike Birds is over. They lost at Spaam 1-0 today in a greuling match that saw many penalties, and a few red cards.

The first half was a chess match between two great coaches. Neither team was able to put together focused attacks. Individual shots were able to get to the keeper, but none of them on either side were any trouble. The teams went in at halftime tied at 0-0.

After halftime, the game went south. 12 minutes in, a terrible call on a tackle was called on Kai Osprey that got his second yellow card of the tournament. This means he will have to sit out the next match against Brazillico. The calls did not get any better as nearly any tackle that the Birds attempted was called as a foul. Finally, Kai decided that if he ahd to sit out a game, he was going to show the refs a true tackle, and took out Striker Nala Eromleb. The red card flew up immediately as Eromleb laid on the ground writhing in pain. Miraculous though that after the game was over, Eromleb was dancing around the pitch.

The Birds now had to play a man down and it looked like that they might be able to survive until Spaam Defender Palo Maldini tangled up striker Josh Adams and NO CALL was heard from the now obviously biased referee. As Maldini left looking at Adams, "Big Boy" Bigelow took offense and started a jawing match with Maldini, that ended up with both players swinging at each other, and both being ejected from the game.

With one of the key strikers gone, the Birds had no offense left and was unable to challenge the rest of the game. Spaam striker Meren Luin showed amazing skill with a beautiful curving strike from 18 yards away. The game then turned into a mire of petty foul calls on both sides.

It is very obvious that Spaam has earned themselves a new rival after this match. The Birds were not very happy after this match, as their normal post-game interviews were fairly short and blunt.



J. Adams on the foul.

"No call? Sheesh. what a crock. Watch the tape..the ball doesn't even get touched the whole play. Amazing."

Coach Aefnen on the loss and suspension of players.

"I told you that beating both Spaam and Oglethorpia would be tough. Ah well, we got one win, we are just behind in third place, but anything can happen with qualifying. I feel we are still in the thick of things. Let's just see what happens the next cycle through. 4 wins should get us close.

As for losing Bigelow and Osprey, while that hurts, I feel we can survive the one game suspension."

K. Osprey on his foul.

"I'll get fined. Yeah, so what. They weren't going to call anything real, so i figured I'd remind them. Besides, I was sitting tomorrow anyway."

The next game will be at home against Brazillico, who the Nest tied 1-1 on Matchday 1. the Eagle's nest is 3-0-0 at home so far in qualifying. Kick is at 7:30 pm. All security measures from last game are still in place.

Scoring

Eagle's Nest
None

Spaam
M. Luin 78:18 (4)

Yellow Cards
EN - K. Osprey (2)

Red Cards
EN - K. Osprey (1)
EN - R. Bigelow (1)
SP - P. Maldini (1)

Matchday 7 Recap

The group shuffled around a bit with wins by both Spaam and Oglethorpia, that puts them into a tie for first, which Oglethorpia has a 1 goal differential lead over Spaam for the first spot. the Eagle's Nest is third, and the fight for 4th place is a 3 way dash between Brazillico, Jeruselem, and the Weegies. BSE Free Bovines has finally gotten ahead of the Tea Bags of Holy India who are now hopefully in the gutter.

Jeruselem 3 The Weegies 3
BSE Free Bovines 2 Holy India 0
Oglethorpia 2 Brazillico 0
Spaam 1 The Eagles Nest 0

Group 11 Unofficial Standings
[code:1:c2e0370db2]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 7 5 1 1 14 5 +9 16 37
Spaam 7 5 1 1 14 6 +8 16 37
The Eagles Nest 7 4 2 1 11 5 +6 14 35
Brazillico 7 2 2 3 9 9 0 8 29
Jeruselem 7 1 5 1 10 11 -1 8 29
The Weegies 7 2 2 3 11 11 0 8 29
BSE Free Bovines 7 1 1 5 6 12 -6 4 25
Holy India 7 1 0 6 3 19 -16 3 24
[/code:1:c2e0370db2]



Stadium Collapse Investigation Yields Clues

Collapses Seems to Possibly Be Another Assassination Attempt

Review of the security logs and tapes of the Silver Flame Stadium reveal that the collapses may be part of some assassination attempt on retired Archy Ferninand, who was supposed to be at the Eagle's Nest-Oglethorpia match. The first clue was that the four sections which had been attacked were the VIP sections in which Ferninand would have been given a seat to watch the match. Immediately the security logs were searched and it was found that a workman had been working under an alias had been hired shortly after the last attack on Ferninand failed. A required roll call of all workers turned this one up missing. Under the alias of Jimmy Gorner, he had apparently been to the stadium nuermous times outside of normal work hours.

A check of his locker revealed a small bottle that had some red residue in it. That bottle was sent to the same lab. Results are not back yet on the original liquid found at the crime scene. Results should be back tomorrow.

A warning has been sent to Oglethorpia authorites about the preliminary findings.

A Press Release from the San Diego Iguanas

Lonnie Schwenk, manager of the San Diego Iguanas, the domestic club for which Brazillican international Lisa Cannon plays, has made a statement of behalf of the goalkeeper, stating that in his observations he has not noticed her to have any sort of eating disorder. He has stated, however, that this might not be true of San Diego teammate and Bedistani international Abigail Hamner. "Spaamanian publications, government-owned or not, should not be spreading such falsehoods about such well-respected players," said Schwenk.

The Following was published in the Alotion Star

Verbal Diarrhea or Verbal Gonorrhea?
New evidence unfolds

“It’s fascinating, but the bland, repetitive, and pointless Spaamian RPs may be more than the originally diagnosed Verbal Diarrhea.” Says Dr. Davis Kalowitz, PhD, professor of Medicine at Wells and Sterling University. “The just newly found disease, Verbal Gonorrhea, may be the cause.”

Studies show that though bearing the same symptoms as it’s Diarrheical counterpart, Verbal Gonorrhea is much more serious. The Rps would be even more pointless, the incentive just to boost a bonus that would help out something solely situated on one site of the internet that is just a now and then pastime for most, in lieu of the general incentive, which is to have fun and entertain.

The contraction of the disease is even rarer than its occurrence. Dr. Kalowitz says it can be contracted by “excessive and unnecessary verbal abuse of The Belmore Family. You see, the unbridled and excessive hatred spewing from the mouth can cause a dysfunction where you yourself will create the very thing you pronounced against; in this case, humorless, bland, and excruciatingly boring RPs.”

Kalowitz has been put on paid leave from the university to Oglethorpia, for denouncing the well being of the Holy Republic’s ally, until further notice; however his discoveries into this rare disease have proved quite interesting, and though this reporter won’t claim it, due to lingering job security, it may be that Spaam is suffering from the cureless Verbal Gonorrhea.

OOC: Firstly, you might notice that EVERYONE in our group is posting a lot. So, the actual RP bonus we get is much lower than you may realise. In fact, YOU yourself would get a higher relative bonus with your posts.

Secondly, I AM having fun. I'm not posting irrelevant dribble. Brazillico made a press conference, I retaliated with an open letter. Try thinking along relative terms. I can't help it if your groups sucks :P

Half

After playing 7 matches, les Bleus sit 2nd in a tight race for 2nd place in the group. Les Bleus got a needed win on the road, taking the match 2 - 0 against Rinkeby. The team played well, and the defence kept the shooters out of the zone. The coach hopes that the team can take this road victory, and continue it to the 2nd half of qualification. "I want to see our team challenge Giant Zucchini for first, and put pressure on the other teams below it. Who knows, with a better 2nd half, we could end up in first. All depends on our spirit, if we play like we did the last 7 games, we can probably assume no qualifying this time."

Day 1: Eauz @ Giant Zucchini L 1 - 4
Day 2: AlanShearer @ Eauz W 0 - 2
Day 3: Eauz @ Squornshelous T 0 - 0
Day 4: Mattigool @ Eauz T 2 - 2
Day 5: Eauz @ Valient W 4 - 0
Day 6: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 1 - 1
Day 7: Eauz @ Rinkeby W 2 - 0

Day 8: Giant Zucchini @ Eauz
Day 9: Eauz @ AlanShearer
Day 10: Squornshelous @ Eauz
Day 11: Eauz @ Mattigool
Day 12: Valient @ Eauz
Day 13: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Day 14: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Unofficial standings...

[code:1:2fd9c12c05]
Group 7
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Giant Zucchini 7 5 1 1 18 7 11 18 16 37
2 Eauz 7 3 3 1 12 7 5 12 12 33
3 Squornshelous 7 3 2 2 7 6 1 7 11 32
4 Creedence Clearwater 7 3 1 3 11 10 1 11 10 31
6 Valient 7 2 2 3 8 15 -7 8 8 29
5 Rinkeby 7 2 1 4 5 10 -5 5 7 28
7 Mattigool 7 1 3 3 10 12 -2 10 6 27
8 AlanShearer 7 1 3 3 8 12 -4 8 6 27
[/code:1:2fd9c12c05]

The Green Mile:
Episode 9: Creedence Clearwater Revival

Mr Woo: Here we are in Creedence Clearwater for the World Cup qualifiers. With me is the venerable John Motson.

Mr Motson: The World Cup is a truly international event.

Mr Woo: The atmosphere here is bubbling with excitement.

Mr Motson: The atmosphere here is literally electric. Nearly all the Giant Zucchini supporters are wearing green shirts - it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour!

Mr Woo: And the match starts as the referee blows his whistle.

Mr Motson: For those of you watching in black and white, the Zucchinis are in the yellow strip.

22 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Ppakkaddumm over the ball, and the pass falling to Zonk, and he thumps it into the back of the net.

Mr Motson: And what a time to score! 22 minutes gone.

35 minutes on the clock…

Mr Motson: That's an old Giant Zucchini move…Woog crossing for Shtaan to drive over the bar.

Mr Woo: And the Zucchinis fail to capitalise on a glaring chance.

42 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And now Creedence Clearwater on the attack.

Mr Motson: It looks like a one-man show here though there are two men involved.

Mr Woo: And it results in a blistering shot, deflected off Faard…

Mr Motson: And Plaat, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction.

Mr Woo: Amazing reflexes from the Zucchini goalkeeper, retains the lead for the Zucchinis.

47 minutes on the clock…

Mr Motson: It's Creedence Clearwater 0, Giant Zucchini 1, and the longer it stays like that the more you've got to fancy the Zucchinis to win.

Mr Woo: Indeed, and as we look back on the first half what struck you the most?

Mr Motson: Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score might suggest that it was.

Mr Woo: The players are back on the pitch and the second half will start soon.

52 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Now Creedence Clearwater on the ball, and now a shot. But Plaat misjudged it, and it has slipped under him. Creedence Clearwater have equalised!

Mr Motson: That shot might not have been as good as it might have been.

72 minutes on the clock…

Mr Motson: The game is balanced in the Zucchinis' favour.

Mr Woo: But now Creedence Clearwater on the counterattack, the Zucchini defence cannot get back in time, and the shot too much for Plaat, Creedence Clearwater have taken the lead!

93 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: The whistle blows and the Zucchinis have been upset here by a Creedence Clearwater revival in the second half. The Zucchinis go into the second half of qualifying with a 2-1 loss.

Mr Motson: The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.

Mr Woo: Indeed. Thank you Mr Motson for your time. Up next, the Zucchinis will have to face Eauz in their home ground for a clash that is sure to attract a lot of attention as the 2 teams battle for top spot in World Cup qualifying. Join us for this thrilling battle. Until then, goodbye.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities/Clubs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)
Curious George
The Complete Bushisms (http://slate.msn.com/default.aspx?id=76886)
Alan Shearer
Newcastle United
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Missing Three-Quarter
HomeRun
Money No Enough
That One No Enough
I Not Stupid
Sherlock Holmes
Quotes from Sherlock Holmes (http://www.bcpl.net/~lmoskowi/HolmesQuotes/quotes.html)
The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: A Scandal in Bohemia
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of Black Peter
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Cardboard Box
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Dancing Men
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Noble Bachelor
Sherlock Holmes: The Naval Treaty
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Norwood Builder
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Red Circle
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Retired Colourman
Sherlock Holmes: The Final Problem
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Speckled Band
Sherlock Holmes: The Adventure of the Reigate Squire
The English Patient
Ron Atkinson
Football Quotes: Big Ron Atkinson - A Tribute (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/ron.html)
Creedence Clearwater Revival
John Motson

Welcome everyone to the Group 11 Midcycle Analysis.

I'm your host Max Groder. In the next half hours we'll look at the group, and try to predict what will happen based on what we have seen this first cycle around.

So, let's recap what the current standing are:

[code:1:61648bafad]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 7 5 1 1 14 5 +9 16 37
Spaam 7 5 1 1 14 6 +8 16 37
The Eagles Nest 7 4 2 1 11 5 +6 14 35
Brazillico 7 2 2 3 9 9 0 8 29
Jeruselem 7 1 5 1 10 11 -1 8 29
The Weegies 7 2 2 3 11 11 0 8 29
BSE Free Bovines 7 1 1 5 6 12 -6 4 25
Holy India 7 1 0 6 3 19 -16 3 24
[/code:1:61648bafad]

As you can see, Oglethorpia, Spaam, and The Eagle's Nest has opened up a small lead on the rest of the pack.

So let's talk to Coach Aefnen on the first cycle through.

MG: Thanks for joining us tonight.

TA: My pleasure.

MG: So how has the team exceded expations this year? They seem to be playing inspired ball.

TA: 4-2-1 is not bad for a rookie side. We've had some lucky bounces, and some not, but we are doing well. I truly believe 4 wins should put us in the play-in games, 5 wins should lock a spot...unless we lose to only Oglethorpia and Spaam. then I am not sure. I am sure you'll run the numbers.

MG: Of course we will. Do you feel that having 4 home games this cycle will help?

TA: Of course. We went 3-0-0 at home, and 1-2-1 away. More games at home should help us a lot.

MG: With two layers suspended for tomorrow's game against Brazillico, are you worried they may close the gap on you?

TA: Not really. if we can earn a tie against them again, I feel that we will still be in the thick of things. A tie would put us in a tie for second with someone if a clean win is found in the Oglethorpia-Spaam game tomorrow.

MG: Thanks for your time coach. Good luck tomorrow.

TA: Thank you.

We'll be right back after this commercial.

(A commerical comes on from the Spaam Education Committee trying to gather support for a donation drive to assist "illiterate Brazillicos" and learning the basic reading ability.)

Max: Well...that was...Who's letting those things air? Anyway, Let's look at the next 7 matchdays and project what might happen.

Matchday 8

We predict wins by The Weegies and Oglethorpia and ties by Jeruselem, BSEFB, Brazillico, and the Nest.

Matchday 9

Oglethorpia, Spaam, Brazillico, and the Nest should win here.

Matchday 10

A tricky day. Spaam and the Weegies should tie this time, Brazillico should win easily, as should Oglethorpia...Let's just say the Nest and Jeruselem ties.

Matchday 11

Spaam, Brazillico, The Nest, and Oglethorpia should all win.

Matchday 12

Oglethorpia, the Nest, and Spaam should win. We'll put Weegies and Brazillico as a tie.

Matchday 13

Jeruselem, Weegies, and Spaam should win. We'll be lucky and give Nest and Oglethorpia a tie.

So after 13 days, the standings would look like:

[code:1:61648bafad]
GROUP 11 P W D L Pts PP
Oglethorpia 13 10 2 1 32 35
Spaam 13 9 2 2 29 32
The Eagles Nest 13 7 5 1 26 29
Brazillico 13 5 4 4 19 22
The Weegies 13 4 4 5 16 19
Jeruselem 13 2 7 4 13 16
BSE Free Bovines 13 2 1 10 7 10
Holy India 13 1 0 12 3 6
[/code:1:61648bafad]

Oglethorpia would have locked up a qualifying spot, and Spaam and the Eagle's Nest would go down the to final game knowing that only a Nest Win would force a Goal Differenial tie break to determine the second and third slots. If the Nest doesn't win, then have the third seed locked up. At that point, the ONLY key game would be the Spaam - Eagle's Nest matchup. Here's hoping the home game works its magic.

Now, if the Nest loses to Oglethorpia, then Brazillico would not be able to catch up. With this prediction scenario, 3 wins and a couple of ties would be able to clinch a chance to make the World Cup.

We'll be back after this break.

(Eviseratomaotes are good to eat. Eviseratomatoes are good to eat. What a yummy and tasty delicius treat. Eviseratomatoes are good to eat.)

Max: Seems subliminal doesn't it. Anyway, We shall see how well our prediction holds out. To summarize:

Group 11 Winner: Oglethorpia
Group 11 Runner-Up: Spaam OR Eagle's Nest
Group 11 Third Place: Eagle's Nest OR Spaam

We'll talk to you all again after match day 11 going into the final stretch of qualifying. Until then, I'm Max Groder...GO BIRDS!

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Lions in Surprise Second Away Win
Sliponia go down by two goals

SLIPONIA -- Despite the scoreline, the Sliponia-Bedistan match on matchday 6 was actually not very eventful. That could be because all four of the goals were scored in the first fifteen minutes, leaving well over an hour of stagnant play.

Darren Morlock would get the first goal on a penalty kick four minutes in after Defender Guy #2 went in with a two-footed tackle on Morlock. Then something strange happened: as the Sliponians kicked off, Midfielder Guy #8 kicked the ball just a bit harder than he meant to, sending it screaming at the goal. Erik Oldenburg attempted to parry the shot, but it was too powerful and he was knocked off his feet. The goal stood, but Oldenburg could not, requiring the Lions to bring substitute keeper Tabitha Fukushima on in the 6th minute.

With the score tied at one, Bedistan went on the attack again. Attacking midfielder Neil Palin was rewarded when his 28-yard shot found the upper right corner of the net in the 11th minute, and Javier Lewey followed up with another goal in the 14th. With Bedistan already 3-1 up just fifteen minutes in, it looked like the match would be a thriller. But that was the end of the action, with very little being done in the remaining eighty minutes. Bedistan and Sliponia had two shots at goal each during that time, all of which were very weak. Still, the Lions were quite happy to leave with three points.

[code:1:d9a299df99]Final score:
Sliponia 1 (<player 8> 5)
Bedistan 3 (Morlock pen 4; Palin 11; Lewey 14)[/code:1:d9a299df99]

Blue and Silver Meet Orange-Blues
Bedistan and Rejistania fight to a draw

MIDWAY -- When Rejistania came to face Bedistan at James Parker National Stadium, it was a good deal more exciting than the Sliponia match. In an unusual move, Johnny Lewis decided to start Fukushima in goal instead of Oldenburg due to the latter's injury in Sliponia, but Oldenburg would be available as a substitute if necessary. Here follows a summary of events:

06:24 - Rosalinda Heidelberg passed the ball up to Javier Lewey, who continued his run up the right side toward goal, but defender Kansu Kiru successfully stole the ball from Lewey to stop the attack.

14:27 - Goalkeeper Nana Daki launched the ball upfield, where midfielder Inik Linkosa got his head to it. Jen Y received the ball and took a shot, but Fukushima managed to parry the ball and eventually capture it.

27:08 - Bedistan received a free kick due to a questionable tackle by Sanan. Lewey took the kick, sending it to the other side of the field for Morlock, who somehow chipped the shot over Daki for the first goal of the match. (1:0)

40:41 - Jen Y with another shot, this one embedded into the side netting.

Halftime - Bedistan 1 : 0 Rejistania.

At halftime, the pitch cleared. Police were out in force due to a not-exactly-credible suspicion that Kingsforder streaker Henry Tuck was to make an appearance. While public nudity is not illegal in Bedistan, authorities would have captured Tuck and sent him back to Kingsford for prosecution there. However, Gil Vu's phone call apparently had nothing to do with that, as the surprise halftime guests were actually 1400 members of the Bedistan Relocation Army (BRA). The BRA is an organization recently founded to help create support for a movement recently proposed by new Commerce Heights prime minister Chan Mrzigod to move Commerce Heights, Bedistan, Lontorica, Tingitana, Tarraconesis, and perhaps some other nations out of their current region and into a new home.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bra_logo.png
The BRA logo

Vu was promptly cleared of charges of being an accomplice to a criminal (not in Bedistan, but in Kingsford and Oglethorpia). The halftime demonstration was peaceful and the match continued on as normal afterward.

64:58 - Daki with a goal kick upward to Mikven Ijen, who sent the ball on to Xeseja Su in the box. Su successfully outwitted Fukushima to give Rejistania the equalizer. (1:1)

80:09 - Bedistan with one last attempt to take the lead back. Karen Neighbors (substituted for midfielder Pearlie Tenner) unfortunately sent her attempt high over the bar.

Final whistle - Bedistan 1 : 1 Rejistania.

"I'm very happy with the result," said manager Lewis after the match. "I didn't think we'd be ready to play Kerla or Sliponia, much less Rejistania, but we've done quite admirably, coming away with seven points against our three toughest opponents. We're sitting solidly in second place right now, and that should be a good sign going into the second half."

[code:1:d9a299df99]Final score:
Bedistan 1 (Morlock 28)
Rejistania 1 (X. Su 66)[/code:1:d9a299df99]

At the half-way mark, two sides are dominating Group 5: Svecia, on one of their tears through the competition, and Tanah Burung, who won their biggest match yet by beating third-place The Redavic Union at home. That opened a six-point gap between the second and third-placed teams. Halfassedstates fell from fourth to fifth on a loss to bottom-of-the table NEWI Cefn Druids, while Dokett moved up to third.

[code:1:6c7d6c884f]Not Group 11
Svecia* * * * * * *7* *5* *2* *0* 17* *5* 12** 17*
* Tanah Burung* * * *7* *5* *1* *1* *12 *9* *3** 16*
Dokett* * * * * * *7* *3* *1* *3* *7* *9* -3** *10
* Redavic Union* * * 7* *3* *1* *3* *6* 10* -4* *10*
* Halfassedstates* * 7* *2* *2* *3* 12* *8* *4** *8*
* NEWI Cefn Druids* *7* *2* *1* *4* *5* *8* -3* *7*
* SterlingIce* * * * 7* *2* *0* *5* *8* 12* -4* **6*
* True Yorkshire* * *7* *2* *0* *5* *6* 12* -6** *6*
[/code:1:6c7d6c884f]

(sorry, too tired to write anything at the moment)

The World Cup Group 6 Update
Decaltré Jomans at the National Arena in CCL for Liverpool England 1 Lovisa 0

Liverpool England 1 (Blackwell 24)
Lovisa 0 (<player 6> m/pen 13)

Sigh - two wins on the trot - finally. How long have we waited for this? We are halfway through the qualifying campaign, and it seems that Caddy Cannon has been influential on his players - two consecutive wins to help lift the team's, and the nation's, spirits.

Let's look at the table of Group 6, and make our predictions.

Day 6 standings:
[code:1:a9560df9b6]Group 6
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Antaeus Rising 6 5 0 1 17 5 12 17 15 39
2 The Belmore Family 6 5 0 1 14 3 11 14 15 39
3 Zeronia 6 4 0 2 9 9 0 9 12 36
4 Liverpool England 6 3 1 2 8 7 1 8 10 34
5 Lovisa 6 2 2 2 6 6 0 6 8 32
6 Alex the Tall 6 2 1 3 7 11 -4 7 7 31
7 Garrard 6 0 1 5 5 14 -9 5 1 25
8 Stonedheads 6 0 1 5 2 13 -11 2 1 25
[/code:1:a9560df9b6]

And, to add the Day 7 results of these:
Zeronia 0 Antaeus Rising 3
Alex The Tall 0 The Belmore Family 3
Stonedheads 4 Garrard 0
Liverpool England 1 Lovisa 0

to that, here's a look at the Day 7 table.

[code:1:a9560df9b6]Group 6
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Antaeus Rising 7 6 0 1 20 5 15 20 18 39
2 The Belmore Family 7 6 0 1 17 3 14 17 18 39
3 Liverpool England 7 4 1 2 9 7 2 9 13 34
4 Zeronia 7 4 0 3 9 12 -3 9 12 33
5 Lovisa 7 2 2 3 6 7 -1 6 8 29
6 Alex the Tall 7 2 1 4 7 14 -7 7 7 28
7 Stonedheads 7 1 1 5 6 13 -7 6 4 25
8 Garrard 7 0 1 6 5 18 -13 5 1 22
[/code:1:a9560df9b6]

Amazingly, Garrard has only one single point from a possible 21 - thats twenty points dropped!

So now back to the match. In the 13th minute <player 5> was brought down clearly outside the area, but the referee managed to give a penalty. Luckily for the home side, <player 4> somehow blazed his shot wide, and LE had some breathing space.

Lovisa were made to pay for their lousy and sloppy defending when Steven Blackwell slotted home the only goal in the match.

FULL TIME
Liverpool England 1 Lovisa 0

The Valerian Voice

Valerians Not Too Well in First World Cup!

So far, the Valerian "Dream Team" has proved to be a team that lacks the grandiose amount of experience to succeed in the games. So far, Magnus Valerius is ranked seventh in its designated group. Magnus Valerius first had a very unremarkable game against Wella, losing 3 - 1. The losing streak was only broken by a single win against Indigo Islands.

Emperor Alexander only looked on the team's first World Cup with optimism.

"We will get better with experience and time," he said. "We might not make a qualifying post here, but we can always try in the next World Cup!"

In the most recent game, Nikea scored a win versus Magnus Valerius 2 -1. Francois Stiens's goalkeeping had improved, as he prevented the day from being a terrible loss beyond it. Alexei Putin, late in the last half of the game, made a goal that prevented the entire game a grueling loss. "I feel great! I hope the emperor is proud of us, despite our losses. We are green in such events, after all," shouted an exhiliarated Putin to a Valerian journalist. The journalist was brushed aside as the team went to prepare themselves for the future. They vowed to practice hard for the next world cup - that world cup may bring in gold for the team.

In other news, Emperor Alexander I has stated he will keep track in the rankings of the games, even if Magnus Valerius does not qualify. He is an avid fan of football, and will be glued to all updates that he can get.

BOVINE TIMES

BOVINES WIN FIRST EVER WORLD CUP MATCH 2-0

EL TORO

The crowd at "The Pasture" burst out in song today in celebration of the Bovines 2-nil win over Holy India. This was a milestone for the BSE Bovines national side as they managed their first ever victory in World Cup competition. There was a festive feeling at the end of the match as the Bovine faithful sang, danced, and hugged in celebration.

The Bovines came out onto the pitch with offense on their minds. Coach Galloway sent his side out on a 4-3-3 formation that contained his most offensive minded players. The Bovines started pushing forward from the first touch of the game. In the 10th minute they had their first scoring chance, but Santa Gertrudis blasted the ball well over the net. In the 20th minute the Bovines broke down the Indian defense once again, this time Piedmontese, sent a pass over the Indian defense and into the path of Zebu. The forward was robbed by an acrobatic save from the Indian keeper. The home side kept up the pressure and in the 37th minute they were rewarded when Santa Gertrudis headed a Holstein corner kick into the back of the net. Santa Gertrudis had one called back in the 45th minute when the assistant referee detected an offside against the Bovines. At the half time whistle the Bovines led 1-nil.

In the second half the Bovines came out flying, but wasted 3 good chances in the first 15 minutes. One point blank shot by Santa Gertrudis was meters wide of the post and two mid range shots by Holstein sailed high over the bar. In the 69th minute, the youngester Zebu broke through the Indian defense with a pretty head fake that left the defender frozen in place. Zebu slotted the ball under the diving keeper for the Bovines second goal of the day. After the second goal, the Bovines were content to maintain possesion and allow time to run out. The only other serious chance for the Bovines came in the 78th minute when a Piedmontese free kick from 20 meters out just missed the top right corner of the net.

After the match I asked Coach Jack Galloway for his reaction to the Bovines performance. Coach Galloway said, "I am really happy for my players and our fans today. They deserved this win. We have faced some pretty tough competition in this tournament, I knew we could not be on the wrong side of the score forever. It feels good to have your first World Cup win under your belt."

I also asked the coach about the remaining seven games in the qualifying tournament. "Well, I'll tell you that I feel we are capable of getting a few more points before we are done. I don't think we will be moving on to Kaze Progressa or Lemmitania, but that is not the reason that we entered this tournament. We are here to gain experience and to expose our young players to stronger competition. I would hope that some of my boys will get a chance to play outside of the Republic in some of the more competitive teams and tournaments available around the globe.

Security was extremely tight around the stadium today. Major Bullock, the El Toro Police spokesperson, said that "There were no major incidents in or around "The Pasture" today. The small contingent of fans from Holy India was very peaceful. And the hometown fans were very well behaved." Asked, about the precautions that were taken to keep the "Tripping Tea Bag" away from the pitch, Maj. Bullock smiled and said, "It appears that their mascot stepped into some manure before the start of the match and became stuck just outside the visitors tunnel exit."

The Bovines will take on the Jeruselem Crusaders at home on match day 8.

Here is a recap of match day 7 group scores.

GROUP 11
Jeruselem 3 The Weegies 3
BSE Free Bovines 2 Holy India 0
Oglethorpia 2 Brazillico 0
Spaam 1 The Eagles Nest 0

OOC-I'd enjoy seeing a match where I score as many goals as I gave up in this match (the most I've scored is 2 :( ).

IC-

BIG SURPRISE! WARRIORS LOSE...AGAIN :cry:

The Warriors simply did not show up to play against Gesamtkuntswerk today, losing by a score of 1-3. The only player that kept the Warriors from being shutout was Captain Francis of Assisi who scored a penalty kick in the 43rd minute to tie to score at 1-1. However, the Warriors seemed to send out their scrub team for the second half, as they could do nothing right. It would now take a miracle for the Warriors to qualify, as they reached the midway point of qualifying with a 1-4-2 record, good for 5 points. Fortunately for them, their next match is against the one team they have beaten so far, Costa Lot.

OOC: Don't take it so hard. With this Cup, I've somehow gone from top-10 in the world to losing to every new team in the group. 8)

IC:

Back-to-back losses for the Ravens in recent weeks appear to have all but ended the team's chances for qualification this year, say many sports analysts. The news fueled speculation that Ravens general manager Zhen Sui-Ling may resign upon -- or even prior to -- the end of qualification, much as her predecessor in that role did. It is not immediately apparent who would replace her, though injured starting striker Kaede Kitsuki seems to be the focus of many of the guesses. Sui-Ling herself has not spoken of the matter, and Kaede could not be reached for comment.

Midway through qualifiers, the Ravens' record stands at 2-1-4, the side's worst performance since World Cup 8, where they also -- for the only time in their history to date -- failed to qualify. Hopes of a late surge have faded in the wake of the two additional losses, and long odds are posted against a comeback.

The office of the Ministry of Sport, Athletics, and Recreation has said only that it is "re-evaluating" the World Cup. The Minister could not be reached for comment.

The Abysmal Times:

Abysmals don't lose with 0 goals - statisticans confused
The Abysmal Soccer team, know as 'the Abysmals' again lost a match, but in a perhaps-not-exactly-that-bad style. They lost only by a 2-5 against the nation of East Spaam. And the 2 Abysmal goals weren't even own-goals. At the beginning of this match the Abysmals even managed to no-trailing-and-no-equal-score for a about thirty seconds. To make the whole affair even stranger, the Abysmals also scored 2 goals in the 2-3 loss against Iansisle without the no-disadvantage of playing inThe Swamp. The statisticans of the universities of Shanty Town and Abysmal City are confused. Statistican Urk said: "They are mathematically eliminated of winning a match in the next 50 years, we checked the formula about one thousand times. If everything runs as it should, this results are so inprobable that they are nearly impossible!" The whole Abysmal team was send to a doping test because there are rumours flowing around that certain people have bet enourmous amounts on Abysmalistan to not-fail-to-qualify and perhaps someone has used pesperate meassures to at-least-not-lose-so-clearly. The results of the doping tests will be expected in about one month, shortly after the next match of the Abysmals which they surely will lose too!

Sowhatsville News
Smith's job on the line as Halfassed fall again.

After 2 credible opening draws, the defeat at Dokett was seen as a fluke one off by many pundits as the Halfassed side stormed back with resounding wins over True Yorkshire (4-0) and the Redavic Union (3-0).
However, the slip up against Sterling Ice put the pressure on as Svecia and Tanah Burung streatched their lead at the top of the group.

The Sterling Ice game served to show the problems Halfassed have at the moment. After scoring the first, Sherwood was stretchered off with what was later confirmed as ankle ligament damage. Ducks, who headed the second, was sent-off for a professional foul and from the free-kick, Sterling Ice equalised for the second time in the game. With just 10 minutes left, Riddle handled the ball on the line and received his marching orders. Jennung saved the penalty, but the Sterling Ice player was quickest to react and buried the re-bound.

To-day saw Halfassed head to bottom of the group NEWI Cefn Druids hoping for some magic of their own has the try to get back into the qualification race. Unfortunatly, it was a piece of random individualism that saw the Druids go 1 up after 36 minutes, and with Ducks and Riddle suspended, it really came as no surprise. In fact the biggest surprise of the game was that the Druids didn't score again, but some excellent goalkeeping by Jennung, and the fact that the Druids seemed to be so shocked to be leading that they weren't entirely sure what to do left the score at 1!
With Sherwood out, Halfassed looked extremely bereft (sp?) of ideas up front, with Perfect mustering the only chance worthy of the name in first half injury time.
Final Score:
NEWI 1 (player 36)
HAS 0

The absence of three key players showed how little strengh in depth there is in the current squad, and the failure for this is being laid by many at the managers door.
Indeed, there have been rumours of key players in the HFA boardroom wanting Smith to resign. It is unknown if he will step down, or be pushed, but a meeting is due to take place this afternoon and an announcement should be made later to-day.
At the minute, there is no obvious replacement for the job if Smith does go, so he may be allowed to stay until the end of the campaign.


[code:1:14a00e91f6]Group 5
Svecia* * * * * * *7* *5* *2* *0* 17* *5* 12** 17*
* Tanah Burung* * * *7* *5* *1* *1* *12 *9* *3** 16*
Dokett* * * * * * *7* *3* *1* *3* *7* *9* -3***10
* Redavic Union* * * 7* *3* *1* *3* *6* 10* -4* *10*
* Halfassedstates* * 7* *2* *2* *3* 12* *8* *4** *8*
* NEWI Cefn Druids* *7* *2* *1* *4* *5* *8* -3* *7*
* SterlingIce* * * * 7* *2* *0* *5* *8* 12* -4* **6*
* True Yorkshire* * *7* *2* *0* *5* *6* 12* -6** *6*
[/code:1:14a00e91f6]

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Orange-Blues tie Blue and Silvers
The Orange-Blues have archieved a draw against the rival with the highest rank: Bedistan. The rejistanian fans finally could see soccer in a worthy environment after the last two rejistanian matches took place in the rejistanian outskirts and in stadiums where normally third-league teams fight against relegation. Again the RejisFA has reacted to the wishes of the fans, had a great idea - and successfully messed it up.

The line-up had some surprises: Sijij Kansu replaced Lyku I Kansu in the defense and Hana Kansu played instead of Saka Syku. Saka Syku was listed as substitute, but since he started in the last matches, everyone expected him to start. So the line-up consisted of three persons which last name is 'Kansu'. The match started good for the Orange-Blues, they got several good chances but unfortunately were unable to capitalize them. It weren't the Orange-Blues but the Blue and Silvers who took the lead. In the 28th minute, the lions recieved a free-kick after a tackle of Kansu Sanan which appaerntly was inspired by Liverpool England matches. Morlock'he shot the ball to the upper right corner of the net and Daki'he couldn't parry it. The first half ended 0-1 for the Orange-Blues.

The half-time was overshadowed by a political demonstration of the BRA, the Bedistan Relocation Army. Since the KaMaRi Update believes that politics have no place in sports, we don't reveal their aims. Also the second half had many chances for both sides. The Orange-Blues played quite offensive at least compared to their normal 'System Imdila'. But despite this change in tactics, the equalizer was archieved in a typical manner: A counter attack by Ijen'he and Su'he totally surprised the bedistani substitute goalie Fukushima'he. While the Orange-Blues had not many good chances anymore, Bedistan nearly raised the score again. But fortunately for the Orange-Blues Neighbor'he's shot missed the goal by meters. despite the draw, the rejistanians are still undefeated and still on top of their group. The KaMaRi Update wishes them good luck in the second leg of the qualification.

The result:
Bedistan 1 (Morlock 28th)
Rejistania 1 (Su 66th)

Jeruselem Government News

Crusader fight back stuns The Weegies

Fans of The Weegies were stunned after an unbelievable game of the World Cup XII. Thanks to aggressive tactics, The Weegies lead 3-0 after the first half with three quality goals against a normally tight Jeruselem defense, but managed only a get a point out of the game drawing 3 ALL.

The Weegies simply dominate the first half denying Jeruselem any possession. A fierce header into the back of the Jeruselem goal in the 15 minute started the Weegie scoring spree. In the 25 minute, a Weegie free kick deflected of a Jeruselem defender Rabbi Shalom into the net past the hapless Jeruselem keeper. Just before half-time, The Weegies struck again as the off-side trap was broken for a simple goal past the keeper.

All seemed doomed for the Crusaders who trailed by 3 goals and the Weegie fans shouting 6 NIL, but soon they were silenced. Substitute Abdula ran rings around the Weegie defense before passing to Manny Jones who drilled a goal under the Weegie keeper in 50th minute.

Suddenly the Weegie goal was under Crusader siege repelling attack after attack. The defense failed again as Becks threaded a fine pass between two defenders to Abdula who chipped the ball over the advancing keeper (70th minute) Jeruselem fans were rapt and outshouted the shocked Weegie fans. Becks was tripped in the penalty area by two Weegie defenders and Jeruselem was awarded a penalty shot. Becks executed the goal perfectly leading keeper the wrong way.

The Weegie captain was simply distressed and fainted after the game. Captains Becks lead his team around the field to their fans.

Jeruselem 3 (50, 70, 85)
The Weegies 3 (15,25,45)

Three teams including Jeruselem are tied on 8 points in Group 11 behind leading group. Holy India lost again and the cows jumped over them.

[code:1:314261d0e5]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 7 5 1 1 14 5 +9 16 37
Spaam 7 5 1 1 14 6 +8 16 37
The Eagles Nest 7 4 2 1 11 5 +6 14 35
Brazillico 7 2 2 3 9 9 0 8 29
Jeruselem 7 1 5 1 10 11 -1 8 29
The Weegies 7 2 2 3 11 11 0 8 29
BSE Free Bovines 7 1 1 5 6 12 -6 4 25
Holy India 7 1 0 6 3 19 -16 3 24
[/code:1:314261d0e5]

Mattigool Sports

Gools lose at Squornshelous

(Goolsund) After their third defeat the Gools find themselves at the bottom of the table. Although it never was so easy to win at Squornshelous, the Gools didn't. Trio Infernale seemed to be exhausted after 6 matches and Gamsten had the only real chance for the Gools, when his freekick hid the side netting. On the whole it was a boring match without big chances. Squornshelous' striker took profit by a Lagerfeld mistake and sored. It was one the rare highlights of the match.

I totally understand you. But here's where you enter another part of the rich mythology of the Cup. Always blame your losses on the random number goddess, Margaret.

Has anybody tried to bribe Margaret before??? :wink:
*we are in the frayed and faded tent that has once again been pressed into service as office space for the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages. the minister is slouched in one of the folding chairs, feet up on a dilapidated card table, cold "38 special" in hand. he is fiddling nervously with a green worry-stone. towards the back of the tent we see a figure in a burgundy robe and midnight blue hooded cape. she is seated cross-legged on a woven mat in front of a small circle of blackened stones, in which burns an intense little fire. in her left hand she holds a small leather pouch which has two eagle feathers tied to it by a silver strand. in her right hand she holds a slightly damaged rubber chicken. around the circle of stones, spaced evenly, are five lit candles. she is chanting something just under her breath.*

- Margaret?
- ...
- Margaret? (louder)
- ... (again)
- Margaret! (louder still)
- ... (again - also louder, if that's possible)
- Can't you hear me, Margaret?!
- You blasted pest! Of course I can hear you. There isn't any place in the country they can't hear you!
- Well...you weren't answering.
- Duh! Of course not, lame brain. I'm trying to perform a sacrificial supplication to the random number gods over here.
- Oh...
- Well, you've screwed it up now. I'm gonna have to start over. So, you might as well tell me what you're screaming about over there.
- Um...just...well...
- Of, for heavens sake, man! Spit it out!
- They want to know if anybody's ever tried to bribe you.
- Who wants to know?
- They do.
- They who.
- Who?
- Stop it. You can't be that stupid and continue to breath on your own without instructions. Who wants to know if anyone's ever tried to bribe me?
- Somebody in Praying2God.
- That's a little ironic, dontcha think?
- Er...I guess so. Well...?
- Well what?
- Has anyone ever tried to bribe you?
- Successfully or unsuccessfully?
- Unsuccessfully.
- No.
- ...But, that would mean...
- Yes, it would. The only real question here is, can they afford me?

*silence. after a moment, margaret gathers herself, and begins the sacrificial supplication to the random number gods again. the minister continues to fiddle nervously with his little green worry-stone, and does not notice his beer is slowly spilling on the sandy floor of his "office." he's a little concerned, given the incredibly poor showing of the snub nose 38 hooligans in world cup 12 qualifying, as to whether his job is a permanent or transient thing. it being just about dinner time, and being reminded by a rumble in our tummy that we missed lunch, we take our leave in search of a little cafe we've heard serves the best sandwiches in town.*

Wahrheit
The only truth

Second Defeat in a row

Headquarter A weakened Stalag 5 team suffered its second defeat in a row in WC XII. Forward Ungeheuer Heim, winger Flankengott Kramer and playmaker Fussballgott Simon were banned after getting yellow-red cards during the scandalous match against Warnocks Wizards. So the WCC conspiration against our brave and holy nation seems to become gainful. Snub Nose 38 took advantage out of this campaign and beat our glorious team 2:0. But we will show the world that nobody will have the power to keep us from reaching the final round of WC XII.

Group 3 after Matchday 7
[code:1:846de6056a]
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Warnocks Wizards 7 6 1 0 16 5 11 16 19 40
2 Timway 7 4 2 1 12 7 5 12 14 35
3 Defari 7 4 1 2 15 11 4 15 13 34
4 Stalag 5 7 3 2 2 10 10 0 10 11 32
5 Snub Nose 38 7 3 1 3 12 7 5 12 10 31
6 Sacco and Vanzetti 7 3 1 3 10 9 1 10 10 31
7 Northen Wastestan 7 1 0 6 6 14 -8 6 3 24
8 Hash n Beans 7 0 0 7 0 18 -18 0 0 21
[/code:1:846de6056a]

A group of one hundred Brazillican university students sit on the steps of the Spaamanian parliament-haus. The Brazillicans aren’t just lounging around, however, they’re sitting-in to protest recent allegations made by Spaam’s president, Fin DeCano. A swarm of police cars come, as thirty Spaamanian rush out to the steps of parliament.

Officer Popdillio: Alright kids, fun’s over. Time to clear out.

Clyde *Through Megaphone*: NO! We’re tired of Spaamanian supremist propaganda painting your kind as some uber-race. We refuse to leave until we get a formal apology from DeCano!

Officer Popdillio: That’s wont happen. Now leave.

Clyde *Through Megaphone*: Are we tired of Spaamanian propaganda?

Crowd: YES!

Clyde *Through Megaphone*: Are we tired of Spaamanian insults and redundance?

Crowd: YES!

Clyde *Through Megaphone*: Are we tired of the Spaamanian doctoring pictures and attaching Lisa Cannon’s head on Meren Luin’s body?

Crowd: YES!

Officer Popdillio: Alright kids, have it your way.

Officer Popdillio makes a call to his intercom attached to his vest and signals for his men to leave. Ryan, another protestor, grabs the megaphone from Clyde.

Ryan: Gentlemen, you shall exeunt with some quality. Something I understand is a rare occurrence in this vast land.

“To blab, or not to blab, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune;
Or to take arms against a sea of shitty roleplays,
And by opposing, end them: to die, to not qualify
No more…”

A thundering boom can be heard in the distance.

Clyde: What was that?

Another thundering boom can be heard, as the glass of water sitting between Linda’s legs shakes. The entire group looks down at Linda’s glass of water as ripples eminate from the cup at the same time the staccato “booms” go off. A large shadow slowly casts over the group of protesters, as all in attendance look up in horror.

Linda: Oh no! Spaamasaurus Rex!

Spaamasaurus Rex: BLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

The entire group of protesters looks on, frozen in horror as the gigantic Spaamasaurus Rex looms over them. All except Ryan, who goes off like a rocket, to take refuge in a near by porter potty.

Vince: What’d he say.

Clyde *whispering*: Shhh! He can only speak in terms of blah, blah, blahs.

Spaamasaurus Rex: BLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Vince: F*ck this. I’m making a break for it.

Vince turns around and tries his luck, but the Spaamasaurus Rex catches up to him in a single bound, crushing him with his uber-RP bonus. He then lowers his large, ugly head, to swallow Vince whole.

Clyde *whispering*: Nobody move! He can’t detect movement.

Linda: What are we gonna do?

Clyde: I saw this at a football game once.

Clyde pulls out a slab of 16 oz. steak, which just happened to be lying on the ground a few feet away from him. He picks its up, lights it on fire, gets up and attracts the attention of the Spaamasaurus Rex. Clyde slowly waves the steak, from left to right, catching the Spaamasaurus’ attention, making him drool at that tender piece of sirloin.

Clyde: Eat beef, f*cker!

Clyde hurls the choice cut of steak at the Spaamasaurus Rex, but unfortunately since he’s a granola-ish hippie, who protests everything he possibly can, athletics aren’t his thing. The steak sailed to the right of the mammoth Spaamasaurus, careening gracefully in the air, until it lands on the roof of the temporary toilet where Ryan was in hiding.

Clyde: Shit! I missed him!

Linda: Look, he’s going away. Hurry, let’s cheese it and get out of here.

The protesters scatter and the police force can congratulate themselves on a job well done. Meanwhile, the Spaamasaurus hovers over the porter potty and dips his head down in a quick, sudden movement to get the flaming sirloin and gets a good mouthful of plastic with it, opening up the roof.

Ryan: I am a shrew!!

The Spaamasaurus’ head dives down and swallows Ryan’s upper body until its torso, as the student protester relieves himself in fear. Fortunately enough, he was already on the john, but not for long, as the Spaamasaurus lifts it mighty head, with Ryan’s lower body dangling helplessly from the beast’s mighty jaws. Spaamasaurus Rex then whips his head violently from left to right, causing what’s left of Ryan to swing around like a rag doll, before Rex lifts its head, swallows the rest and lets out one last mighty “BLLLAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

Bibliography/Works ripped off
FOX’s COPS
Shakespeares’ Hamlet
Shakespeares’ The Taming Of The Shrew
Jurassic Park

OOC- To be fair to Spaam, he has been doing better work than that first United Spaam Sport Weekly. Still has a nasty case of verbal diarrhea and/or verbal gonorrhea though :wink:.
Oh yeah, I still gotta do something for that Ogle match too.

OOC - I hope I did the Bureaucratic Tribune justice with this post.

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Oglethorpia Scores Convincing Home Win
Match shadowed my navel-baring incident

By Jake Tartare

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Oglethorpia's Wonderteam played host to Brazillico at Consolidated Stadium last night, marking the first time that the Bureaucratic States had ever played this storied nation. The Wonderteam duked it out against a fired up Brazillico side, playing in their slightly less gaudy yellow kits.

Despite the Chili Bats' choice to wear yellow, many fans who had made the long journey to support their team playing away had decided to sport those unsightly purple jerseys. Three Oglethorpian supporters were hospitalised as a result, all of them diagnosed with retinal injuries attributed to a sensory overload in the eye's "cones", which are responsible for picking up color.

Oglethorpia was lethargic early on in the match, Fernando Green giving away a ball to Tobias Cannon who pulled a wicked inside foot shot which was missed the target by a matter of inches. Minutes later, Brazillico was charging up with an offensive run led Alex Cannon, who took a shot from inside the box, but Wonderteam goalkeeper Yamamoto-san was there to tip the ball over the bar. Oglethorpia's defense tightened, as they quickly cleared the corner to midfield.

Both teams were involved in a fierce midfield battle for the better part of the first half, until the 44th minute saw an eventual breakthrough for Oglethorpia's offense. A long through ball by Fernando Green was met by a streaking Torrence Black who pulled the trigger and put it past a sprawling Salazar. Unfortunately for Black, he also put it past the goal, meaning we would enter the half with a scoreless draw.

The usually calm Guy Picciotto looked more like Nate E. Visser as he walked through the tunnel at the half's end.

It must be noted that the rather large Brazillican contigent of fans seemed to be enjoying the evisceratomatoes a little too much. Many exceeded the customary "three evisceratomato" limit, asking Oglethorpian supporters if they would go get them some more evisceratomatoes if the gave them the money. In fact, many of the Brazillican supporters seemed more interested in the evisceratomatoes than the game itself.

After the extended half-time saw a singing performance by Oglethorpia's favorite popstar, Evelina Skykova, the crowd was abuzz. In a lull between the lyrics and a dancing scene, a fellow male dancer tore of the bottom of Skykova's shirt, causing for her navel to be fully exposed. As you saw on the cover of this publication, the navel was blocked out so that kids don't get the wrong idea and start a revolution of navel-bareing in Oglethorpia.

After the hubbub of the navel scandal was still fresh on the tongues of Oglethorpian supporters and evisceratomatoes fresh in the mouth of Brazillico supporters, the players returned to finish the match. Oglethorpia attacked Brazillico with renewed vigor, likely due to some harsh words from Piccotto at the break. Only minutes later in the 53rd, Jorge White would score his own solo goal from just outside the goalie's box, a fine shot into the low right corner of the net.

Jorge White was simply on fire, as he scored his second to secure a 2-nil win in the 77th, a lancing header from a Fernando Green cross which found the target right under the crossbar. Fulltime saw Oglethorpia's 2-nil win at home against Brazillico become official. A huge win for the Wonderteam, as they now move eight points clear of the Brazillicans, who were sitting in fourth.

Despite this solid win for the Wonderteam, it is likely Skykova's navel baring incident that will recieve all the press in the days to come. Likely taking over the sports section, so that there will be no reports with anything to do with sports for the next three days or so.

Tomorrow, we'll have reactions from Skykova, her manager, her choreographer, her make-up guy, Consolidated Foods CEO Harry Gray, Billy Evisceratomato and a slew of other talking heads, as Navelgate rages on.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 2 (J. White 53st, 77th)
Brazillico - 0

-----------------------------------------------------
Brazillican Defender Kilkenny Caught With Evisceratomato Seeds
Kilkenny faces 18 years imprisonment

By Jake Tartare

Upon the Brazillicans' return to Oglethorpia, starting defender, Kilkenny, was found in possession of one ounce of evisceratomato seeds.

"This wasn't just for personal use, even though that's still illegal," said Kalita police chief, Ramon Guzman, "With that much, he was definately looking to traffic them. And that's even more illegal."

A gram of evisceratomato seeds on the black market can be sold for as much as $2000 dollars. If convicted of "Possession and intent to traffic substances to grow evisceratomatoes", Kilkenny could face up to eighteen years imprisonment.

"It's a growing industry," said Guzman, "Since we made them illegal, people are going great lengths and willing to pay great price for these red fruit."

Kilkenny, who was in a county jail, could not be joined for comments. However, he was reported as saying that the evisceratomatoes were for personal and medical uses, stating the the vitamins and health benefits help him get a leg up on the competition.

After hearing that comment, the police chief was quick to respond. "Steroids help you get a leg up on the competition too, but they're illegal. It's the same if you want to do E."

Wizards Don’t Waste the Chance

National Team Battles to 2-1 Victory over Northern Wastestan

From our news services...

Matchday Five, Northern Wastestan–The Red and White continued their quest for Krazed Lemmings with a vital away victory at Northern Wastestan last evening. A first half goal from Bagdreg the Mauler and a second half goal from Ashmazh the Tough led to the National Team capturing all three points from the match. The Wizards entered the match in second place on goals scored, but thanks to last night’s victory and events elsewhere, the Wizards see themselves sitting atop the group table. They didn’t waste their chance.

Manager Ufwurz the Furious made two changes to the side that defeated Sacco and Vanzetti on Matchday Four. Bree Town midfielder Burzhak the Rough was a surprise starter in the defensive spot in the middle third. Burzhak replaced Gromdul the Gasher, who was injured on the Team Trireme during the trip to The Brophiric Empire. The start for Burzhak marked the midfielder’s first international appearance for Warnocks Wizards. The other change the Manager sanctioned was starting attacking midfielder Gabdul the Looter in place of Skairash the Bald. Despite the changes to the starting eleven, the Wizards lined up in their familiar 4-3-1-2.

The Red and White Wizards kicked off the match in a position of strength: in addition to sitting second in the group table only on goals scored, the National Team entered the match on a three game winning streak. Hence, they were in an unfamiliar position when the homeside Northern Wasters took an early lead on ten minutes. Left back Akhkur the Toothless slipped, allowing the Wasters right winger a chance at goal. Globtakh the Timid made the initial save of the shot, but the rebound spilled to the home side’s number eleven, who took the chance and buried the ball into the empty net. 1-0 to Northern Wastestan as Ufwurz was left holding his head in his hands on the touchline.

To the Wizards credit, they did not let the early setback demoralise them. Ishklash the Snooty nearly leveled the score, but the Northern Wastestan goalkeeper dove to his right and made a nice stop. Gabdul the Looter blasted a free kick just wide of the top corner. Akhklash the Emaciated pulled his effort wide of a gaping net. With the half waning and the home side seemingly on their way to a lead after the first stanza, Bagdreg the Mauler found the equaliser on forty-two minutes. Burzhak the Rough’s lofted ball found Ashmazh the Tough at the top of the penalty box. The Uruk’Hai targetman, seeing his teammate Bagdreg approaching him unmarked laid the ball off to the Boromir Blade midfielder. The Mauler made no mistake and crushed a shot that the Wastestan goalkeeper could not save. There were no further chances in the half for either side: Halftime: Northern Wastestan 1, Warnocks Wizards 1.

Home side Northern Wastestan kicked off the second half and nearly duplicated their start to the match. This time, however, Ghazkuh the Burner made a goal-saving tackle to deny the home side the lead with an open goal beckoning to the home side. Having withstood the early pressure, the Red and White Wizards began to stamp their authority on the match. Ishklash and Akhklash had efforts denied, and Gadul missed a sitter from six yards out. The Wizards did manager to find a second goal through Ashmazh on sixty-two minutes. With Ishklash and Akhklash flying down the right hand side exchanging passes, the Tough targetman made a run to the near post. His partner The Snooty one picked him out with an exquisite cross, and Ashmazh deposited a header past a flapping keeper for a goal. 2-1 to the Red and White Wizards. With the home side tiring and belaying their inexperience on the international stage, the National Team ushered the match to full time, banking all three points. A professional performance and a professional result. Full time: Northern Wastestan 1, Warnocks Wizards 2.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Ufdush the Nasty, Burzhak the Rough (Akhburz the Straggler 70), Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Gabdul the Looter, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Bublok the Destroyer, Skairash the Bald, Olkrish the Swift.

For their next match in Group 3, the Red and White Wizards travel to The Graveyard for a top of the table encounter to face World Cup qualifying debutantes Stalag 5.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

OOC: I'm not just going to take off Rejistania's RPs, don't worry

http://www.abelmore.com/kamari2.gif

Newbs start with a win
The new Gaddland team disgraced an 'a team of experienced players' (quote: FHM) or 'best proof that we should be in this competition' (My Mate). The team has surprised everyone with an impressive 2-0 victory at home to Eaglet. The Orange-Blue fans celebrated their first-ever win in the World Cup after some embarrassing defeats in the baptism of fire.

Everyone was expecting the line-up to be a wild mixture of humans, cows and mad Evisceratomatoes - and for the team to be made up of Evisceratomatoes and Hell's Bovines, but some bloke let all the listed starters start. That also means that the grounds man had the logistical nightmare of fitting 21 mad Evisceratomatoes and 7 delirious cows into the stands. To tell the good news first: The grounds man did a good job.

The Orange-White-Green-Red-Pink-Purple-Blues played their famous 'System 5-4-1' again. For our particularly stupid readers who can't work it out: the System 5-4-1 is a 5-4-1 formation, it is called like this because coach players play in a 5-4-1 formation. The match was dominated by the Orange-White-Green-Red-Pink-Purple-Blues. Only 5 minutes after kickoff Gadd achieved the first goal for the Orange-Blues. the Eagletian keeper was stoned and had no real chance to get the ball as the awful shot sailed in the bottom left corner of the goal, feet away from the woodwork. As Eaglet changed to a more aggressive style of match, Orange-White-Green-Red-Pink-Purple-Blues defense were saved by Harreros-Symons (Or more, blocked as he was too drunk to actually catch the ball. The first half saw several chances for both sides (But mainly for Eaglet) and ended 1-0.

The second half saw some surprise substitutions by "the boss"(Allegedly the delirious cows). The best surely was to replace Gadd for Nakatashatesikiki Samanaelaforanasasa-Dawakawakawoukiyahaga (Nak Sam-Daw for short). The young Gaddinian had no international experience but despite this, he did a great job as the lone striker. In the 84th minute, he ensured a great debut by scoring after a header shot by Belmore. The match ended 2-0 for the Orange-White-Green-Red-Pink-Purple-Blues and gives them high hoes for the next qualification matches.

Liberal Republic of Alex The Tall sports news of the day.

Hi, this is Alex Marginal for you're nation sports news at chanel #52. After 3 games whit not lost, our Patriots in the WC12 goes on whit two big lost, no goal scored in two game this is really sad... I think that they was to much happy... But now we have a scoop for you. In the practice yesterday a fight goes on in the team. The Coach is very unhappy whit it he said:

-How can i make this team great? This is the best team of Alex The Tall country and they can make someting great in this tournament but the are just a bunch of stupid jack ass... They only thing that they wants it's score a goal for im, they don't want to play in team.

Oh yeah, now i whish that our team will play in team next game, we a win in the next few games. This was Alex Marginal for you're "patriots" sports news of the day. Thank You.

Red and White Wizards Perform Great Escape

National Team Defeats Prisoner Guards of Stalag 5 3-0 Going Away

From our news services...

Matchday Six, The Graveyard, Stalag 5–The Red and White Wizards put the Prisoner Guards of Stalag 5 to the sword last night in a top of the table encounter in Group 3. Second half goals from Skairash the Bald, Ashmazh the Tough, and Ishklash the Snooty gave the Wizards a magical 3-0 victory over the surprise second-place side. There was only ever going to be one winner in the match as the more experienced visitors ran rings around the home side’s infamed wall defenses. In the end it was an easy prison break for the Wizards with the home side and its blinkered press claiming controversy when there was none.

With his scouts warning him of the physical approach of the opposition, Manager Ufwurz the Furious made a few changes to the side that defeated Northern Wastestan on Matchday Five. Rugged defender Mausnik the Cleaver returned from his longterm injury (a disappointing perm) and took up his familiar position in the centre of the Wizards defense. Dropping to the bench was Ufdush the Nasty. Akhburz the Straggler also earned a starting spot at left back, replacing diminutive Akhkur the Toothless. Going for experience in defensive midfield, Bublok the Destroyer was recalled in place of Burzhak the Rough, who dropped to the substitutes bench. Slight right winger Akhklash the Emaciated was replaced by the more physical Skairash the Bald. Little and large pairing of Ashmazh the Tough and Ishklash the Snooty retained their partnership up front. The Wizards lined up for the match in the familiar 4-3-1-2 formation.

With Kommandant Klink not sending the Wizards delegation their complementary tickets to the match and the visitors therefore not having a presence in the stadium, the Wizards team took to the pitch amidst the intimidating barbed wire and machine gun towers of The Graveyard. With the pitch looking as if it had recently survived an allied bombing run, the Wizards kicked off the match on the potholed surface. Apparently the home side were under the impression the match was a war and not a football game, as they lunged in repeatedly and committed severe assault (or rather “tackle”) after severe assault. The referee issued the home side four yellow cards in the first half, as the Stalag 5 side were clearly not accustomed to having an impartial official for the proceedings. After each foul the referee whistled, the players and management of Stalag 5 could be heard to loudly protest that each infringement was not part of the “Geneva Convention” and they could not therefore be punished for it. Further, the home side were warned by the fourth official to remove the Alsatian dogs and machine-gun toting guards/ballboys that were patrolling the touchline as the menacing mutts and excessively armed guards were on the verge of interfering with play. With the Wizards controlling the possession but having difficulty finding the final ball and finding a rhythm amidst the continual fouling, the first half ended at 0-0.

After the halftime entertainment of wobbly dancing men slapping each other on the cheeks while wearing needlessly tight shorts ceased, the teams returned from their cells to kick off the second half. Manager Ufwurz the Furious’ halftime talk could be heard during the halftime festivities (one wonders if the visiting team cell wasn’t bugged and broadcast over the loadspeakers, the talk was so clear to those seated in The Graveyard) and he obviously was calling on the Wizards to persevere and use their ancestor’s example of not quitting in the face of adversity or a well armed foe. The Wizards clearly took the rousing speech to heart and willed their way to three goals in the second half. A bit of comedy from the Stalag 5 defense set the tone for the desperation of the home side. After the usual fouls outside their own box continued into the second half, the referee repeatedly warned the Stalag wall from encroaching inside the ten yards allowed during the Wizards’ freekicks. The Stalagtites ignored the warnings and continued to encroach. Finally, the beleaguered official had had enough and issued a yellow card to each member of the wall, sending the Stalag manger Ausbilder Schmidt into apoplectic fits on the touchline. One of the players, Fussballgott Simon, received a second yellow card through the infraction and was sent from the pitch. Skairash the Bald scored from the ensuing freekick, and the Wizards took a 1-0 lead on fifty-three minutes.

The Wizards kept up the pressure on the home side and the inexperienced Stalagmites eventually wilted under the pressure. After a horrific tackle by midfielder Flankengott Kramer on Bagdreg the Mauler, the referee sent off a second Stalag 5 player, this time with a straight red card. The home side now down to nine men on the stroke of an hour, it was only a matter of time before the Red and White Wizards extended the lead. In a space of four minutes, the visitors shortly put the match beyond all doubt.

Bagdreg the Mauler found space on the left and dribbled up field. As a defender approached him, he laid the ball off to Bublok the Destroyer. The defensive midfielder, not known for his passing picked out Ashmazh the Tough in the box with a telling pass. The Uruk’Hai targetman did well to bring the ball down with his back to goal, and in one motion, turned and volleyed the ball past Stalag 5 goalkeeper Sergeant "I Know Noszink" Schulz. 2-0 to the Red and White Wizards on 68 minutes.

Just four minutes later, the Wizards added a third through prolific scorer Ishklash the Snooty. Skairash the Bald was sent away on the right from a diagonal ball from the back from Akhburz the Straggler. As the keeper and a Stalag defender approached him, Skairash played a square ball to an on-rushing Ishklash the Snooty. The Snooty One coolly finished the chance into the gaping net and the Wizards took a commanding 3-0 lead. Little happened in the remaining minutes of the match, apart from Stalag striker Ungeheuer Heim picking up a second yellow card for dissent in stoppage time and being sent from the field. The referee shortly blew for full time amidst a tirade of abuse from Manager Schmidt. But let there be no doubt, only one side deserved this victory as the Wizards managed a “great escape” from Stalag 5. Full time: Stalag 5 0, Warnocks Wizards 3.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhburz the Straggler, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Bublok the Destroyer, Bagdreg the Mauler, Skairash the Bald, Gabdul the Looter, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Ufdush the Nasty, Burzhak the Rough, Akhklash the Emaciated, Olkrish the Swift.

For their next match in Group 3, the Red and White Wizards return home to face Defari at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. The match is another top of the table affair, as the Defaris have now moved into second place in the group standings following the Wizards’ victory over Stalag 5.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Mattigool Sports

Scientist discovers vaccine

(Goolsund) As we just get known a Mattigoolian scientist yesterday discovered a vaccine that works against both Verbal Diarrhea and Verbal Gonorrhea, which has been detected in Spaam. As means of precaution every member of the Gools team will be vaccinated today. Also it is highly recommended that every individual that wants to travel to Spaam or one of its border nations should be vaccinated.

Scuttlebutt - Morning Edition

The State of Football in the Frost-Free Borderlands
Sten Remington Grey

We've been reporting on the matches played by the Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38s national football side, the Hooligans, for some 36 years now, ever since the then Minister of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages organized a side and sent them out to see how they fared in World Cup 3.

Not so well, it turned out. Well - they were new, they were inexpericenced, and it was a thrill for us just to have them out there taking their lumps. They did that well - taking their lumps, I mean. Playing football - not so much. They showed up, they wore the gear, they managed to get the right number of players on the pitch. They learned the terminology, they traveled around in a shiny bus, or airplane (or on bicylcles), depending on where they were headed.

We built a brand new (then it was brand new) national football stadium - "38 Special" - right here in Sten. We added a wing to the National Football Hall of Fame just for the Hooligans. A cheerleading team was organized - well, as things turned out, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

And, over time, they began to flourish. Oh, sure, they still had their bad times. There was the cup they failed to qualify for - and the resulting honorable sepiku of the then Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages. But for the most part, after the first blush, they developed into a side to be reckoned with on the international scene. Not that they ever won the Cup. But they did keep looking like they were contenders - like they had a chance. Their international rank varied over the past two decades between 20th and 3rd.

They were a side we could be proud of, with a good record.

What has happened?

Today's Hooligans seem to be just that. They don't seem to understand the fundamentals of the game. They don't seem to be able to win a match against anyone except rank beginners.

Half-way through qualifiers for World Cup 12 they stand 5th in their qualifying group. That's three places out of qualifying, and two places out of even getting into the battle of third place sides for another chance to qualify.

For shame! They dishonor the name of Hooligan. The very least we expect from a veteran national side is to split their matches with other veterans, and win most of their matches with new-comers.

We're lucky this side can find the pitch. Their behaviour once on it is not a thing of beauty. It makes one long for halftime, when the other Hooligans come out to cheer. They're actually less embarassing than those bozo's in football kits.

What can be done? There must be something. Is it that the Management needs changing? Ben and Eileen Dover, with Justin Case, have led many a Hooligan side to honorable records. They're still leading, but this side doesn't seem to be following. Is it the administration of the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages? Get real. That guy's been an idiot since he took office, and it didn't prevent previous Hooligan sides from performing well. Is it the...er...assistance? We only know her as "Margaret", but given a decent supply of fresh chicken she's always come through for the previous Hooligans. Is it the chickens? Well...as we recall, there were times in the past when Margaret had to rely solely on her staunch rubber chicken - and that always seemed to work before.

Or, is it the players?

Our "Ancient Hooligans" recently won the Inaugural Founding Nations Cup. They still seem to be able to win. Perhaps we need a whole fresh set of Hooligans.

That is what this reporter recommends to the Minister. We hope he's listening. Well, actually, we hope Margaret is listening.

Another low scoring tie for Indigo Islands

If you asked the average Indigo Islander how they would feel if the National team tied the mighty Aquilla team and half way through the qualifying rounds they would be forth with a 2 win 3 draw effort they would have said, “Indigo Islands are playing in the World Cup? Cool! I can’t believe we are doing so well.”

Ranked number six in the world Aquilla simply did not look live up to their billing. Whether the veterans of the team have had a squabble with their organizing league or are just not playing up to their potential no body knows. Several attempts to get information from the Aquilla side have gone unanswered.

Who would think that losing to bottom of the table Valerians might be the only think that keeps our beloved Islander’s from advancing to the big dance?

Now on to the game at hand. Coach Wes Eisner once again keeps the game defensive with all twelve players on the defending side of the pitch for most of the game. The Aquilla attack was relentless but fended off bravely with great coordination from the defenders and the middies.

The Indigo Islander’s counter attacking once again breaks through in the 61st minute as the lightning quick counter attack gives Wolf Madison a clean break down the field. The goalie is able to deflect the initial shot however midfielder Aaron Salmon amazingly covers the vast green to put away the bouncing ball.

Once behind Aquilla truly stepped up their game. And in the 75th minute a hard foul and a splendid free kick evens up the score.

Final Score Indigo Islands 1 Aquilla 1

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

Tenerethitel 'Disappointed'?
Team Wins and Draws in Past Two Matches, Manager Upset with Effort
by Markenin Markenel

MISERIAS(NP) - The Pandas have seemed to drop somewhat from their earlier form, and despite an away draw with Wella and a home victory over Magnus Valerius, manager Jaskelainen Tenerethitel is disappointed with his troops, mainly in the defensive end.

"Giving up three goals against those two teams is unacceptable," Jaski said following the 2-1 win over Magnus Valerius. "One of those Wella goals were deserved, but the first goal by Wella, and the goal by Magnus Valerius tonight, is going to end up hurting us in the end.

In the aforementioned game against Wella, the Pandas jumped out to a first half 2-0 lead. The 27th minute say Jeserin Keseteretel shoot out his leg in front of a Edhel cross, giving the ball the touch it needed to get to the back of the net. In the 36th minute, Seserin Serenitel got behind the Wellan defenders, and took a brilliant ball from Aserin Arkenitel, finishing wonderfully and giving the Pandas a 2-0 lead.

For the second half, Kitase up front was replaced by Isarin Manilastel in the back, giving the Pandas a 4-5-1 formation. With the offence basically just looking to play off of Wellan mistakes, the midfielders and backs were responsible for keeping up the lead, and they failed to live up to their responsibility. After almost 40 minutes of keeping Wella off the scoresheet, Manilastel brought down a Wella player just outside the box, and the Wella free kick was met with a Wella head, bringing the score to 2-1. Mere minutes later, the defence broke down, allowing a Wellan forward into the box, and he converted past Feretel, who had no help from his defenders. The match ended 2-2, taking away two points from the Pandas. While the points are not a gigantic loss, as Nikea has topped the group since matchday 1, no one knows what could happen in the next seven matchdays.

[code:1:f211465cab]
Wella 2 (<player> 84, <player> 89)
v.
Nikea 2 (Keseteretel 27, Serenitel 36)
[/code:1:f211465cab]

The latest match saw a night-time fixture in Miserias, between Nikea and the visiting Magnus Valerius. The newcomers to the international football scene had been broken in only slightly less brutally than Rachikadia, who were blown apart 6-0 in their first international match. Magnus Valerius had scored one win, against Indigo Islands, but Nikea was not Indigo Islands, despite being much younger than them.

The Pandas controlled most of the match. After an initial phase of feeling out their opponents, the Pandas took the pressure to the visitors. Only the brilliant play of Francois Stein, the Magnus Valerius goal keeper, kept his team in the match, but the Pandas got on the score sheet late in the first half, after a Midorin Torendel shot found the back of the net. The match went into half time with Nikea up 1-0.

Nikea grabbed a second goal midway through the second half. Ichirou Kitase's initial shot bounced off of the post, but he grabbed his own rebound and booted it into the net. It was 2-0, and things were looking good for Darinen Feretel to get his first clean sheet in some time.

That was not to be the case, however, when in the 82nd minute, Feretel made a mistake handling the ball. After Magnus Valerius forward Alexei Putin tried a cross into the middle, Feretel came out to pounce on the ball in what seemed a textbook play. However, as he fell on the ball, his hands knocked it under him and into the net. It was not classified as an own goal, but in the eyes of Tenerethitel, it was an own goal, and once again, Nikea failed to close out the match late in the 2nd half. It was a 2-1 victory, but Tenerethitel obviously saw a big part of his team's game that he would have to work to improve upon.

[code:1:f211465cab]
Nikea 2 (Torendel 43, Kitase 71)
v.
Magnus Valerius 1 (Putin 82)
[/code:1:f211465cab]

D2R Times

Uneventful match ends in draw

A match in Big Butt's Territory ended in a draw which can best be described as uneventful. D2R's squad tried too many tricks, and the Big Butts squad was going no-where with the ball, the fans were getting so bored that they were appealing for penalties when players were brought down on the half way line. When the ball reached the Big Butts goalkeeper for the first time in the 65th minute, he tripped, and the referee was bored enough to give a penalty for diving. The referee also give a penalty to Big Butts for diving when the Big Butts striker hit a cracker from the half way line, which took the legs of Handplant in the 83rd minute. The Big Butt's striker thumped it into the bar and in, snapping the bar. The referee just called the final whistle

Big Butts 1 - 1 Dance 2 Revolution

VILÄMNA TIMES
SVECIA FALL AGAIN TO HALFASSEDSTATES 1-0
Fall From Top of Group 5
Saturday, 21 February


Once again the Halfassedstates revenged their final round losses to Svecia in wicked close fashion. Although the HAS got up 1-0 on a corner in the 41st minute, Svecia closed the game outshooting their opponant 9-1 in the second half. The 9 shots on goal were bravely turned away by the Halfassed keeper but there were at least 4 other shots which grazed the posts as the flew past. A 2-0 win by Tanah Burung over Dokett places the birds over Svecia in Group 5, as the qualifying for the World Cup enters the second half of the schedule.

The overwhealming Halfassedstates partisan crowd pushed their team forward in the first half, but was quite silent throughout the second, just hoping their team could hold on for the victory. Svecia and Tanah Burung are now pulling away from the rest of the pack, with TB at 19 points and the Lightning only two behind at 17. The next highest is Dokett with 10.

Strike Birds Limp to 1-1 Tie

Eagle's Nest Retains Third Place

The Eagle's Nest was able to gain a 1-1 tie without the use of 2 Nest players that were red carded last game against Spaam. The tie keeps the Birds two points between group leading Spaam and Oglethorpia who tied themselves.

The Nest came out in a very defenseive situation, as losing a starting midfielder and striker will do. The Nest's change of strategy was evident in that they seemed very confused and in disarray at times. Brazillico was able to score first on a nice pass from Cannon to Trevors through a weakened midfield to allow for a chip shot at the goalie. Brazillico then took a defensive position to close out the remaining 12 minutes of the half to go into the locker room 1-0.

During the halftime loud screaming and banging was heard from the Nest's locker room. The team came out of the locker room with very serious looks on their faces. They were not their cheerful playful selves.
The half opened with a flurry of attacks with the Nest offense suddenly coming alive. Brazillico goalie Salazar was able to block all of them and the game settled down into a typical back and forth struggle.

It appears that the Nest would lose a game that they didn't need to when suddently, goalkeeper Nathan Adams began to dribble the ball out of the box and the crowd erupted with noise...they knew what was happening. The pass came from Adams to Josh Adams who took a quick shot at the goal, which was blocked by Salazr, but not kept. Adams again took a shot , which was defelected right back at him. Finally he shot a third time to the right of the goalie and tied the game 1-1.

With 2 minutes left on the clock, the Nest tried in vain to mount a winning strike, but to no avail. The horn ended and a 1-1 tie was again found with Brazillico.

J. Adams on the tying goal.

"Dang he's good. Had to punch it at him three times to get it in. One of the better goalies I've seen so far."

Coach Aefnen on the tie.

"We were hoping for a win...if we had, we'd be tied with the leaders for first. As it is, Weegies are creeping up a bit and we have to string together a few wins the next couple of days. I guarantee it now. We're going to beat the snot out of the tea bags.

Minister of Security on the ongoing investigation of the collapse.

"We have more evidence and will be presenting a press release soon. At this time I have no comment. The two injured Oglethorpians have been upgraded from serious to stable at this time."


Tomorrow's game at Holy India should be a guaranteed win. A tie here would be devastating to the Birds' chances to qualify. The game will be the return of the two red carded players to action.


Scoring

Eagle's nest
J. Adams 88:03 (6)

Brazillico
Trevors 31:15 (4)

Yellow Cards
None


Group 11 Matchday 8

The group saw little change in the top three spots, but the three way tie for 4th has been broken. Spaam and Oglethorpia tied at 1 apiece to keep teh virtual tie for first in the division. The Weegies have closed the gap on teh Birds with a 1-0 win over Holy India, while BSE Free Bovines continue to place Holy India further into the cellar with a 3-0 smashing. It is noted that a win by either Oglethorpia or Spaam coupled with a Holy India loss would eliminate them from winning the group.


BSE Free Bovines 3 Jeruselem 0
The Eagles Nest 1 Brazillico 1
Oglethorpia 1 Spaam 1
The Weegies 1 Holy India 0

Eagle's Nest Results
Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India Win 3-0
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem Tie 2-2
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies Win 2-1
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines Win 2-0
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia Win 1-0
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam Loss 0-1

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam

Group 11 Unofficial Results
[code:1:18fbbeae5a]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 8 5 2 1 15 6 +9 17 35
Spaam 8 5 2 1 15 7 +8 17 35
The Eagles Nest 8 4 3 1 12 6 +6 15 33
The Weegies 8 3 2 3 12 11 +1 11 29
Brazillico 8 2 3 3 10 10 0 9 27
Jeruselem 8 1 5 2 10 14 -4 8 26
BSE Free Bovines 8 2 1 5 9 12 -3 7 25
Holy India 8 1 0 7 3 20 -17 3 21
[/code:1:18fbbeae5a]

TIMWAY COMING OUT OF MEDIOCRITY?

Timway's national Tigers today scored another victory in qualifying, as they now improve to 5-2-1 and second place in Group 3. They are a full 4 points clear of 4th place, and look to be in somewhat better position than at the time of my last unmemorable report. However, the team is remaining humble, as they remember their brilliant failures during the past 2 qualifiers, in which they were heavily favored to advance and failed to do so after advancing to the semifinals in WC 9. With a victory over Defari, the team would all but clinch an automatic qualification. Since this is known to be quite impossible, the team has begun rooting for all Defari opponents in hopes to build up a lead of greater than 3 points over third place Defari before the two teams square off.

Speaking of off, this reporter is done.

Stadium Collapse Linked to Evisceratomotes

Authorities Suspect Assassination Attempt

*We now break into the Young and the Catatonic to bring you this press conference*

*The Minster of Security approaches a podium with microphones from at least 8 countries, organizes his notes, and then looks up.*

The mysterious red liquid has been identified. It is an organic acid that is composed of mainly evisceratomato juice and undisclosed acids. The compound has the uncanny ability to be able to weakine metal witha set time delay.

"The best guess we have is that the Evisceratomatoes, still angry at Archy Ferninand and failed in their last attempt, tried a more subtle approach this time. However, since the acid must set for an hour before it the metal collapses, the assailant would not have known that Ferninand had changed his plans. We do plan to press charges on this mystery person, if we can figure out who he is. Apparently, not only do we not know their real name, but the picture we had of him *holds up a work ID photo blown up* is worthless. *holds up what looks like a mask of some sort* This was found in his apartment of record along with about 4 other vials of the organic acid. at this time, we will be dong trace analysis and will inform you of any leads on this heinous crime.

"At this time, we are unable to answer press questions, but this statement along with what details that are currently known will be sent to you. We urge all countries in which Oglethorpia is playing in to contact us immedaitely so that we may share our investigation as we fear that there may be yet a third attempt on Ferninand's life."

*The Minister of Security nods and then walks away from the podium*

OOC- This RP is brought to you for the letter C, for Consise, Crapless and Cuts to the Chase.

A dejected Brazillican side trudges into their dressing room after failing to win yet again. Although they collected their first point in four matches, the mood is still somber, likely due to letting another three points slip through their grasp in the dying seconds of the game yet again. The visitors locker room in The Eagles' Nest is a real dump, with their dull, unpainted grey lockers and chipped benches. A shameful particle board table that looks like it should be in a wrestling ring, rather than a locker room for an international football match stands in the middle, with a white sheet lying on it. Salazar, the team's captain, picks it up and a somber look immediately appears on his face.

Batista: This isn't good.

Salazar: What is it?

Batista: It's a memo from Steve. *Starts to read the memo*

Memo -- Jeruselem Match
To: Brazillican National Team
From: Steve Ribeiro

As you well know, failure is not acceptable. It never was, it isn't now and it never well be. However, this squad, for some reason or another fails to realize this.

Your next match will be against Jeruselem, in Jeruselem. I am enormously glad that this will not be a home game, since our fans deserve better than you. If you do not win next game, they will get better than you. Any players who has been a member of the World Cup in the last two edition shall be executed if this squad fails to collect three points. All players under 25 shall also be spared.

Since playing for national pride doesn't seem to be motivation enough, I hope that playing for your lives will. I'll see you guys in Jeruselem, so be ready; it'll be to die for.

Salazar: Oh shit.

McMahon: Watch the profanity, besides they wouldn't have a public execution on the road.

Junior Socrates: Well, I'm 25. I'm feeling good about this.

Salazar: You're not under 25, so I'd be worried. Junior Socrates' cocky smirk falls off his face. And why wouldn't they have a public execution on the road?

McMahon: Well, Jeruselem is a holy town.

Salazar: Do you know why it's a holy town?

McMahon: Honestly, I couldn't tell ya.

Salazar: Because Jesus was publicly executed here.

McMahon: Oh shit.

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

USSW Goes On Strike

There will be no issue of the USSW for Matchday 7 as the staff have gone on
strike. This is in response to unfounded and nasty rumours that there is an
epidemic of Verbal Diarrhea and Verbal Gonorrhea sweeping through Spaam.
However, the paper will return as usual for Matchday 8.

And to all those that are spreading these rumours: Fûck You.

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Spaam Hang On Against The Wonderteam

Oglethorpia, Matchday 8: The Spaamanians were out for revenge in
the return leg game against Oglethorpia. Having succumbed to a shock
three goals to one loss at home in the first round of qualifying, Coach
Sëhelin was intent on spoiling Oglethorpia's party. Oglethorpia was coming
off a two goal shutout of former world champions Brazillico at home, and
was in high spirits, while the Spaamanians had had a three win winning
streak, two of them away from home. In their last match, Spaam had
defeated suprise group leaders the Eagles Nest at home, though the game
had its share of controversy.

The lineups for the two teams were similar, both coaches opting for 3-4-3
formations. The major difference between the two teams was that the
youngest player on the Wonderteam was 28 years old, while the oldest on
the Spaamanian side was a mere 25.

[code:1:0d7f0836d8]SPAAM

F 10 Lûin
F 2 Eromleb 13 Kru

MF 5 Dodd
M 8 Súrion 15 Maradon
MD 6 Duran

D 5 Bók 17 Bekenbár
D 9 Súrion

G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:0d7f0836d8]

[code:1:0d7f0836d8]OGLETHORPIA

F 9 Calhoun
F 10 White 11 Black

M 5 Green
M 6 Furukawa 7 Black
M 8 Gray

D 2 Ferdinand 3 Brown
D 4 Grey

G 1 Yamamoto
[/code:1:0d7f0836d8]

Both teams started physically, literally pushing for possession and
dominance, leading to two yellow cards being given out in the first 10
minutes. The first was for Eromleb, not suprisingly, when he engaged in a
rough tackle against his opposite number Ferdinand. The second was for
Calhoun, who in the 9th minute tried unsuccesfully to take the ball off his
very own opposite number, Finrod Súrion, after a wild shot at goal. Finrod
was replaced by number 16 Maldini, while the team doctor inspected his
knee, but he was back 10 minutes later.

Spaam was put on the back foot, however, in the 24th minute, when
Wonderteam number 10 Jorge White beat Finrod Súrion, and then shot into
into the upper right corner of the net, while Alatári Súrion went the other
way. Being one goal down so early in the match was a dangerous position
for the Spaamanians against such a good team. Oglethorpia dominated
for the next 20 minutes, making 9 shots on goal in total for the half, while
Spaam only managed 4. However, White's was still the only conversion,
and so Spaam was only one goal down at the break.

After the break, Spaam played with a renewed vigour, making sure that
the Wonderteam did not get more of their share of the ball. It was still a
physical affair, with yellow cards going to both number sixes Furukuwa and
Duran after a toussel occurred between the two midfielders. The game
reached the hour mark without any more goals scored, until Lûin managed
to break through the defense in the 63rd minute, with her shot giving
Yamamoto. The score was then one goal apiece, with Spaam desperate to
make sure Oglethorpia did not score again.

There were another two yellow cards in the next 10 minutes of the game,
this time going to the number fives Dodd and Green for rough tackles to
their opponents. Furukuwa and Duran then got into another fight in the
78th minute, which earnt them both red cards, and both teams were
reduced to ten players. Spaam managed to keep some sort of control on
the ball for the remaining 15 minutes of the game, making 7 shots on goal
to the Wonderteam's 6 for the half. But there were no more goals, and the
score was tied at one all when the whistle finally blew.

Coach Picciotto of Oglethorpia praised the Spaamanian team after the
match. "Full credit goes to Melá and her team," he said, "because it is no
mean feat to keep us from winning at home. I think they have shown that
they have what it takes to qualify this year, and I will look forward to
playing them again." Duran was fined 20,000 eurowots for his part in the
fight during the match, and he will miss Spaam's next match against the
BSE Free Bovines.

Oglethorpia 1
(White 24)
Spaam 1
(Lûin 63)

<<page one>>

(Upbeat background music. Slow fade to host standing behind a podium)

Welcome to Evening Sport and Entertainment, I am your host Talkin Head Maxx.

Tonight we start the program with football news. I paid a visit to the Bovines trainining facility in Barnville earlier this week and spoke to Bovine midfielder and captain Piedmontese. Here are portions of that interview.

THM: Piedmontese, seven games finished another seven to go. What are your thoughts about the Bovine's performance so far?

P: I think we've done well. Most people look at me a little funny and ask how I can say that about a team that has only managed one win and one draw in seven matches. My answer to them is that this is World Cup competition, not the Bovine League, and there is a tremendous difference between the two believe me.

THM: Tell our viewers about some of the differences.

P: One of the toughest adjustments for me has been the traveling. I've never been on a plane for that long before, I get stir crazy after a couple of hours. Then you get to your destination and the time difference plays havoc with your body. Of course the level of talent in the top sides is unbelievable, they have great players in all positions and their reserves are just as good as the starting eleven. These experienced sides can also maintain a high level of concentration for the entire match. We congratulate ourselves if we can play a good 50 to 60 minutes without major errors.

THM: Tell us a couple of positive things about the team.

P: I think we have shown great heart during the tournament. I can't think of a match where we have given up on ourselves. We have really tried to play the best football that we are capable of playing and I'm really proud of that.

THM: Any negatives that you would like to share?

P: Well, our group has had a large number of incidents both on an off the pitch that have been distracting to the players. The steak throwing incident against Horace in the Brazillico game was the most distracting for our team. But there were also the two attempts on the life of Archy Ferdinand from the Wonderteam, as a player these incidents were on my mind when I took the pitch and they were unwelcome distractions that I could not ignore.

THM: If you could change one thing in the tournament what would it be?

P: Our match preparation. We came into this tournament knowing absolutely nothing about our opposition.

THM: I was told that the team was provided with information on each country before every match.

P: If you call a political and economic overview of each country useful information then I guess we received good pre-game reports. I just can't see how a paper that describes a country's form of government, major industries, national animal, and currency can help a football side prepare for a match. I don't care if my opponents are Communists, or Capitalists, I want to know about their best players and what formation they are likely to use in the match.

THM: Tell us what we should expect in the second half of the tournament.

P: I would expect maybe a few more points in the second half of the qualifiers.

THM: Will we see the Bovines moving on to the next round?

P: Not this time around, we don't have the talent to move on at this point. Maybe four years from now it will be different.

THM: Thank you for your time Piedmontese and good luck in the second half of the qualifying round for WC XII.

(Fade to blank screen)

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

East Spaam Dominated By Iansisle

Iansisle, Matchday 8: East Spaam suffered a major defeat against a
resurgent Iansisle away, going down in a three goal shutout. This was
Iansisles third straight win, and third straight game in which they have
scored three goals. Tom Jones got the first goal in the 21st minute, easily
beating East Spaamanian goalkeeper Gerard Garrett. Dick Smith scored
again for Iansisle in the 42nd minute from a corner, with the visitors going
into the break two goals down. Harry Brown put the icing on the cake,
scoring Iansisle's third in the 84th minute, after East Spaam had managed
to keep the home team at bay for 40 minutes.

Iansisle 3
(Jones 21, Smith 42, Brown 84)
East Spaam 0

East Spaam Stay On Top

Despite losing to Iansisle, East Spaam keeps a two point lead in Group 4.
The other four teams in the top 6 only managed draws, with the only other
result coming from the bottom of the table clash between James A Hollar
and the hapless Abysmalistan. East Spaam leads on 16 points, with
archrivals Ausioslavia tied with Iansisle on 14 points. Gaddland slips down
to 4th position on 13, while Abysmalistan is looking strong for the wooden
spoon, in last place on 3 points

[code:1:193ebd891c]
GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
East Spaam 8 5 1 2 16 8 +8 16
Audioslavia 8 4 2 2 19 11 +8 14
Iansisle 8 4 2 2 14 8 +6 14
Gaddland 8 4 1 3 11 12 -1 13
Eaglet 8 3 3 2 13 12 +1 12
EL CID THE HERO 8 3 2 3 13 11 +2 11
James A Hollar 8 2 1 5 7 18 -11 7
Abysmalistan 8 1 0 7 9 22 -13 3
[/code:1:193ebd891c]

<<page two>>

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Group 11 Wrapup

BSE Free Bovines scored their second straight win of qualifying, shutting
out the visiting Jeruselem three goals to nil. The Bovines have now scored
five unanswered goals in the past two matches, and look to be making an
improvement after their five straight losses. The Weegies also continued
their long road back to the top, downing cellar dwellers Holy India at
home, one goal to nil. Meanwhile, the Eagles Nest and Brazillico came
back from their losses, to gain a point each in their one all draw at The
Nest.

These results see Oglethorpia and Spaam share the lead on 17 points, with
the only difference between the two being Oglethorpia has let one less goal
through. The Eagles Nest is two points behind in third place, with a four
point gap to the Weegies in fourth. Brazillico is in a dangerous position on
9 points, with Jeruselem one point behind, and the BSE Free Bovines
another point further back. Holy India have now scored seven straight
losses, and with their lack of RPing, are all but out of the race.

[code:1:b048bd7719]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
Oglethorpia 8 5 2 1 15 6 +9 17
Spaam 8 5 2 1 15 7 +8 17
The Eagles Nest 8 4 3 1 12 6 +6 15
The Weegies 8 3 2 3 12 11 +1 11
Brazillico 8 2 3 3 10 10 0 9
Jeruselem 8 1 5 2 10 14 -4 8
BSE Free Bovines 8 2 1 5 9 12 -3 7
Holy India 8 1 0 7 3 20 -17 3
[/code:1:b048bd7719]

Round 9 Preview

Psychics are predicting that Spaam will lose their home game against the
BSE Free Bovines in their next match. Should Spaam win or draw their
next match, they would have a run of 8 unbeaten matches, which is
unheard of in Spaam's World Cup qualifying history. Also, should Spaam
gain a point from their match, it would be the 150th point Spaam has
earned in World Cup qualification. Meanwhile, Brazillico should win against
Jeruselem, Oglethorpia will have a tough away match against a revitalised
Weegies side, and the Eagles Nest will have an easy home game against
Holy India.

<<page three>>

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Lûin Scores Spaam's 150th Qualifying Goal

Meren Lûin, the number 10 striker for Spaam, and their current top-scorer,
has made history by scoring Spaam's 150th World Cup qualifying goal in
Spaam's match against Oglethorpia. The President of United Spaam, Fin
DeCáno, called Meren, congratulating her on the achievement, and she
received a plaque from the United Spaam Football Association (USFA)
when the team returned home in preparation for their match against the
BSE Free Bovines.

Spaam has come along way since their first World Cup qualifying goal,
which was made over 35 years ago, by the late Spaamanian striker Fin
Shaw. He scored the goal in Spaam's very first qualifying match for the
third World Cup against the former nation of Western Flanders, in a
penalty kick that easily beat Ian Howson, the keeper for Western Flanders.
Spaam went on to win that match two goals to one, which was their first
and only win of the qualifying season.

Special Report On Verbal Constipation

There has been a bout of rumours about an epidemic of Verbal Diarrhea and Verbal Gonorrhea that was apparently sweeping Spaam. There rumours have consequently been proved false and misleading. It seems to stem from nations that are increasingly jealous of the abundance of RP material occurring in Group 11. It was reported a while ago that 5 of the top 10 RPers have all been in Group 11. However, Spaam has been singled out, for the mere fact that they have been producing the largest quantity of RP in qualifying.

One protagonist of this rumour has been Kingsford, in an unfortunate bout of hypocracy. Kingsford has been producing the second largest amount of RP in the competition, and has received the largest relative RP bonus in the whole competition. A fact that has been conveniently glossed over, is that the relative RP bonus that most of the nations in Group 11 receive is lower than a lot of other nations, for the fact that Group 11 has a lot to talk about. It is hoped that Kingsford will recover from this unfortunate ailment.

However, the most serious concern here is of a REAL epidemic, and that is of Verbal Constipation. TnUI has been diagnosed with this disease, but it has been put down to a tantrum. The most worrying instance of Verbal Constipation is that of Mattigool. Mattigool's RP production is that of a paragraph here and there, of meagre match reports and jealous rumours of Verbal Diarrhea, which are produced for the SOLE reason of receiving a RP bonus, unlike the supposed sufferers of Verbal Diarrhea, who are actually producing quality and humourous work, and actually having fun.

Mattigool is a known friend of the unpopular Belmore Family, who, in 8 World Cups, is yet to write a remotely witty RP. It is suggested that the reason that Mattigool as been spreading rumours of Spaam suffering from Verbal Diarrhea, is from the hate that the annoying 13 year old has been spreading. Luckily, there is a treatment for this unfortunate condition: Mattigool should stuff a sock in his mouth, and not say anything unless it is worht saying. These barbs are neither appreciated nor witty, and are taking away the fun of the World Cup.

The issue of Verbal Diarrhea ends here. Friendly rivalry is encouraged, but this is ridiculous. I, and all the other nations in Group 11, are HAVING FUN, and are certainly not doing this for any bonus. The next nation that goes on about Verbal Diarrhea will be on the receiving end of a very long and very nasty soliloquy from me.

<<page four>>

OOC note: the complaints have largely been because of the use of half-length lines in your United Spaam Sports Weekly, which could have been seen as artificially boosting RP bonus (even though it's a long-established formatting style of yours).

May I confirm that this complaint is dead in the water as the day 9-11 RP bonus will be based on the character count, and not the number of screens.

Your group is certainly the most active, and if that continues in the Cup itself after the Group 11 rivalry has taken a back seat, I for one would anticipate a Group 11 side in the final.

Mattigool Sports

Gools keep their chances

(Goolsund) After matchday 8 the Gools still have chances to qualify for final round of WC XII. But it seems that besides Giant Zucchini either Squornshelous, surprising Creedence Clearwater or Eauz will make it to the final round.
Nevertheless the Gools finished 8th matchday with their third win in their short WC-history and are now leading the second half of the table. Once more the Fichte attack brought victory to Mattigool. Extraordinary Kristensen scored after 23 minutes, and Jonny Sokol's first ever penalty in minute 71 secured the Gools' lead. Although Alex Dunner was contented with his team, he stated during the press-conference, that it would be to early to expect participation in final round. "The team is too young on the one side, and too old on the other side. I'm still looking for some wingers, but I can't find one in Mattigool."

[code:1:86e07a0a74]
Group 7
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Giant Zucchini 8 6 1 1 19 7 12 19 19 37
2 Squornshelous 8 4 2 2 11 7 4 11 14 32
3 Creedence Clearwater 8 4 1 3 15 11 4 15 13 31
4 Eauz 8 3 3 2 12 8 4 12 12 30
5 Mattigool 8 2 3 3 12 12 0 12 9 27
6 Valient 8 2 2 4 8 17 -9 8 8 26
7 Rinkeby 8 2 1 5 6 14 -9 6 7 25
8 AlanShearer 8 1 3 4 9 16 -7 9 6 24
[/code:1:86e07a0a74]

The Red Dot Informant
Mixed Results by Wolves, Were Random Number Gods Angered

One Red Dot seems to be slipping in international football as the Wolves' results are not something to be proud of. Many say that it could be time for the One Red Dot to slip out of international football but Head Coach Alvin Ker says that is highly unlikely. He also says that as the results have been very close, it is almost impossible to tell if any of the teams might just mess up and lose it all.

The 1-4 loss against Commerce Heights is also something to be expected, says Ker.

The Wolves are now set to be the visitors at Gesamtkuntserk.

Essential World Cup Information

Group 12 Qualification Table in World Cup 12 (information taken from UNofficial tables of The Belmore Family and edited by The Red Dot Informant)
[code:1:73aba0e703]Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 Gesamkuntswerk 8 5 2 1 19 8 11 17 35
2 Commerce Heights 8 4 4 0 17 7 10 16 34
3 One Red Dot 8 3 3 2 12 7 5 12 30
4 Patinhas 8 3 2 3 6 9 -3 11 29
5 Grand Master Mark 8 3 1 4 8 14 -6 10 28
6 Costa Lot 8 1 4 3 8 14 -6 7 25
7 The Master Cooper 8 0 6 2 7 12 -5 6 24
8 Praying2God 8 1 2 5 7 12 -5 5 23[/code:1:73aba0e703]

ORD World Cup Record:
[code:1:73aba0e703]
World Cup WC4 WC5 WC6 WC7 WC8 WC9 WC10 WC11 WC12
Matches Played 9 10 17 13 13 17 7 17 8

Wins 3 5 9 9 6 8 4 10 3
Draws 3 0 7 1 2 4 1 6 3
Losses 3 5 1 3 5 5 2 1 2

Goals For 9 17 31 31 22 24 14 29 12
Average GF 1.00 1.70 1.82 2.38 1.69 1.41 2.00 1.71 1.50
Goals Against 10 16 16 9 19 19 11 7 7
Average GA 1.11 1.60 0.94 0.69 1.46 1.12 1.57 0.41 0.88
Goal Diff. –1 +1 +15 +22 +3 +5 +3 +22 +5
Average GD -0.11 +0.11 +0.88 +1.69 +0.23 +0.29 +0.43 +1.29 0.63

Total Matches 9 19 36 49 62 79 86 103 111

Acc. Wins 3 8 17 26 32 40 44 54 57
Acc. Draws 3 3 10 11 13 17 18 24 27
Acc. Losses 3 8 9 12 17 22 24 25 27

Accumulated GF 9 26 57 88 110 134 148 177 189
Ave. Acc. GF 1.00 1.37 1.58 1.80 1.77 1.70 1.72 1.72 1.70
Accumulated GA 10 26 42 51 70 89 100 107 114
Ave. Acc. GA 1.11 1.37 1.17 1.04 1.13 1.13 1.16 1.04 1.03
Accumulated GD -1 0 +15 +37 +40 +45 +48 +70 +75
Ave. Acc. GD -0.11 0 +0.42 +0.76 +0.65 +0.57 +0.58 +0.68 0.68

Average Opp. Rank# 20.50 13.00 21.33 25.40 41.80 26.29 16.86 26.00 39.67
Highest Opp. Rank 12 5 8 7 21 1 1 4 15
Lowest Opp. Rank# 30 26 50 52 68 79 50 50 74

Pre-Match Rank - 27 30 22 16 29 29 20 11

#Newbie ranks are excluded.
*Rounding-ups/downs may cause calculative errors in the table.[/code:1:73aba0e703]

ORD Match Fixtures Day 9~14
Gesamtkuntswerk v One Red Dot @ Gesamtkuntswerk
One Red Dot v Patinhas @ Gweridijong City Stadium
Coasta Lot v One Red Dot @ Coasta Lot
One Red Dot v Praying2God @ Chisai’nihon Stadium
The Master Cooper v One Red Dot @ The Master Cooper
One Red Dot v Grand master Mark @ Royal Red Dot Nation Stadium

All tickets to all matches can still be bought at your local ORDOTIX counters. Prices are subjuest to locale. All matches are also shown 'live' on Channel 7.

Jeruselem Government News

Cows dent Crusader finals campaign

Jeruselem lost 3-0 to the BSE Free Bovines in unexpected shock. The Crusaders need to win to keep with the leading pack in Group 11, but the loss means the team need to win most of their remaining games to make the next round and hope the top 3 start losing.

Team captain Becks spoke to the press "I guess the team didn't know how to handle playing sentient cows. It was weird ...".

The BSE Free Bovines controlled the match and never allowed the Crusaders to get into their comfort space. One goal in the 1st half and 2 in the 2nd for the cows sealed the result.

Jeruselem play Brazillico next and need to win to restart their finals campaign.

[code:1:9584e8c6ac]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
Oglethorpia 8 5 2 1 15 6 +9 17
Spaam 8 5 2 1 15 7 +8 17
The Eagles Nest 8 4 3 1 12 6 +6 15
The Weegies 8 3 2 3 12 11 +1 11
Brazillico 8 2 3 3 10 10 0 9
Jeruselem 8 1 5 2 10 14 -4 8
BSE Free Bovines 8 2 1 5 9 12 -3 7
Holy India 8 1 0 7 3 20 -17 3
[/code:1:9584e8c6ac]

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Orange-Blues slip against Sliponia
The Orange-Blues only archieved a 1-1 in the match against Sliponia in Sike. The Rejistanians gained one point and lost one place in the group table. There are several reasons for this a bit disappointing result and the perhaps most unusual explanation comes from substitute goalie Su I Y. He said: "The problem is the venue. Sike was always a bad place for us, something like a home disadvantage." This explanation, how strange it may sound, has still a certain justification, the matches in the Sike kaletri stadium during the qualification for world cup 10 were the matches which at the end have costed qualification.

Since coach Hexen Imdila was ill, co-coach and ex-midfielder Laxtu Takil took his job. Laxtu Takil changed the line-up again, the perhaps most unexpected change was to take Alan Ivelmore back into the roster. The ex-Belmorian, who changed his name to make it pronouncable for Rejistanians didn't start, but was substituted for Xeseja Su in the 59th minute. Also SyLy started again.

The Sliponians started fast, offensive and aggresive, After the 1-3 loss in Sliponia they demended revenge. In the first half, the referee from Liverpool England showed 4 yellow cards against Sliponians - and no one can say that he was anyhow biased. One of this situations - a foul against Lyku I Kansu - led to the 1-0 lead. Xeseja Su, shot the free kick and Jen Y's header was unkeepable for the Sliponian goalie. The Rejistanians couldn't capitalize other chances in the first half, but fortunately, the Sliponians also not.

The second half saw less chances for the Rejistanians, a fairer Sliponian team and some unexpected changes at both sides. Laxtu Takil started this by giving Alan Ivelmore his first international experience and the Sliponian coach changed in <player 17> for <player 9>. Both substitutions were considered unlikely by experts and soccer commentators. Alan Ivelmore was a bit unexperienced with this formation, he didn't know the way the team normally plays and so he didn't improve the team that much Laxtu Takil expected.The sliponians equalised in the 81st minute, when an error of Lyku I Kansu and Seda Kansu allowed them to advance too easily. It was <player 14> who scored. Laxtu Takil said after the match, that the errors in the line-up and the substitutions are only his fault and accepted to be blamed.

The result:
Rejistania 1 (Y 27th)
Sliponia 1 (<player 14> 81st)

Wahrheit
The only truth

What have they done to our team?

Headquarter Matchday 8 saw the third Stalag 5 defeat in a row. Has the team become too self-confident after its surprising start in WC XII? Did the policy of WCC confuse our team? Did the defeats against Warnocks Wizards and SN38 destroy the self-confidence of our team? Or does the defeats just show the real status of our team and it was just lucky during the first five matches? If you think that you know the right answer, please call us on 01634-1741051 (freecall).
We think that the team was cheated again in their match against Defari. Up to the 88th minute the scoring was 0:1 (Pohl scored in 3rd minute). Then goalkeeper "Mütze" Schulz was sent off for professional foul. Ungeheuer Heim had to substitute him, because Ausbilder Schmidt already had changed three times. Defari <player 9> first with penalty and then with a desperate long range shot from 50 meters turned things round.

[code:1:80a0123f9c]
Group 3
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Warnocks Wizards 8 6 2 0 18 7 11 18 20 38
2 Timway 8 5 2 1 15 7 8 15 17 35
3 Defari 8 5 1 2 17 12 5 17 16 34
4 Sacco and Vanzetti 8 4 1 3 11 9 2 11 13 31
5 Snub Nose 38 8 3 2 3 14 9 5 14 11 29
6 Stalag 5 8 3 2 3 11 12 -1 11 11 29
7 Northen Wastestan 8 1 0 7 6 17 -11 6 3 24
8 Hash n Beans 8 0 0 8 0 19 -19 0 0 18
[/code:1:80a0123f9c]

OOC: Spaam, I think the verbal diarrhea is relating, not to the amoutnt you post, but the pure uselessness of it. Talking about useless....

http://www.abelmore.com/TDB.JPG

Alan Belmore to become first ever living saint
Alan Belmore, head of the national football side and devout christian, is to be announced as a saint announced the Belmorian Catholic Church today. His work for the Belmorian Charity, Christian Aid and helping in many church charity events has moved him straight to this posistion. Talking exclusivly to The Daily Belmorian the Archbishop of Faci said:

"We are ready to begin the cannonisation process. We know it not strictly by the book to canonise a person before they die, but I'm willing to make a exception."

The first two processes of canonisation were complete, months ago, but the story has been brought to pubic eye after the Belmorian Pope announced a miricle had been performed by Alan. In a press conference he said:

"I have decided to beautify Alan Belmore, as when I was walking down the highstreet, only a few days ago, I heard on of my brothers say that it would be a miricle to beat Antaeus Rising. I was then in no doubt that Alan Belmore had performed a miricle when we went on to whip them 3-1. Alan Belmore is to be hereby known as Blessed Alan Belmore of Alan City. We now only need a second miracle for the great man himself to be declared a saint."

The Abysmal Times:

Abysmals only lose 1-2, James A Hollar bribed?
Home matches of the Abysdmals have a special quality, since the Swamp is perhaps the worst place for international matches in the entire group 4. But this home game had a very strange outcome and was perhaps one of the matches which make history. It was said that the chief of the AbysmalFA, Il, has contacted the chief of the FA of James A Hollar, a certain James a Hollar before the match. Il demented this, but Abysmal-Telekom employees remember to be send to the HQ of the AbysmalFA to collect the money for an international call before the inflation makes the money worthless. James A hollar met Il before the match and left with a large suitcase. The coach from James A Hollar, who also called James A Hollar, after this had a meeting with the team. We don't know what was said in it, but we know that James A Hollar (or better, the various James A Hollars) played like the abysmals do it on a really bad day. Despite this, it took the Abysmals full 50 minutes to the-opposite-of-fall-behind. Meep was the one to make the thing, normally the opponents do. The Abysmals tried to make the the-opposite-of-trailing even not-lower, but had no success. In the 88th minute, the coach from James A Hollar got a call and shouted after this: "Win this f*ckinfg match! One trillion totally inflated yens is far less then one hollar dollar!" This strange shout had suuccess. in the last minute of the match, James A Hollar scored two goals against the Abysmals. Il demented all accusations about bribing with the words: "First: I didn't try to bribe James A Hollar, none of them and Second: it wasn't even sucessfull!"

OOC: TBF's post is the most ridiculously exaggerated, screaming-for-Spaam-response RP ever - but VERY funny for it. Can't wait to see what Spaam says.

ASNN - Public Praises Manager Mackintosh For Cup Turn Around

GRAHAM CITY - Many in the Sports world spoke highly of the turnaround made by the Clanners and the United since the beginning of the World Cup qualifying. Many had critized the qualifying teams for being 'a bunch of lazy bums with no motivation' early in the tournament.

Manager Lord Mackintosh blasted these critics saying that they should try playing in the World Cup sometime. "They have no idea how much preparation goes into thee things and how much pressure is put on people playing in these Cups. Give these people some time, and they'll show you their worthy of their Star monikers when the team gets picked."

His prediction came true, as today the Clanners travelled to Indigo Islands, who embarrased them at home with a late goal, which led to great weeping and gnashing of teeth among the populace of Graham City. But after much planning and training, the Clanners took on the Islands with much more confidence. After they scored a lucky goal almost fifteen minutes in, Captain Mark Jeremy pulled a beautiful manuver by sending in a chip to Chee Blackwing, who went one on one with the Goalie.

He showed an amazing amount of skill before huimiliating the keeper with a beautiful flip of the ball over the stumbling goalie and into the goal. They continued to dominate the rest of the first half. Then, just 5 minutes after the resumption of the game, Orlando Rose broke the struggling defense and midfield and totally demoralized the goalie after schooling him again.

TLC Clanners 2 - 1 Indigo Islands
Jeremy (25)
Rose (50)

*we turn the corner, heading for "38 special" stadium, and find ourselves in the middle of an arguement on an very peculiar topic between someone we know only as "margaret" and...well...beverly*

- ..."Devils Advocate" appointed.
- For what? I think the whole thing is a mistake, Bev.
- Of course it's a mistake - that is exactly what the Devils Advocate is charged to do - point out the mistake of a proposed canonization.
- So?
- So they're proposing to canonize Alan Belmore. They go around and look at all the "good" he's done, and find the "miracles" he's responsible for, and add it all up and if it comes out "Saint", then canonize him.
- And just what does that have to do with...
- With a Devils Advocate? They have to appoint a Devils Advocate to present the other side. Dig up the dirt, and show why he doesn't qualify to be a Saint.
- It doesn't matter.
- It doesn't...are you nuts? Of course it matters! You want a "Saint Alan Belmore" wandering around?
- Nope. Don't want that.
- And what about the fact that there were umpteen million Alan Belmores? I mean, with umpteen million of 'em the law of averages would absolutely insist on a miracle or two.
- Doesn't matter a hill of beans.
- What?! You want to have to send the Hooligans out on the pitch to face a flippin' Saint?
- Don't want that, either.
- Well, in order to prevent all that, we must insist the appoint a Devils Advocate.
- Not really. At this point, it simply isn't necessary, so why stir up an international incident over something that isn't necessary?
- Isn't necessary? Margaret, what...
- They propose to "cannonize" Alan Belmore. Not a problem - go right ahead - enjoy - have a nice day.
- You've lost me.
- Well, if they ever decide to canonize him, we will spring into action so fast they'r'll be a sonic boom as the vacuum in the space we were occupying is filled. But as long as they're just going to "cannonize" him - well, who cares if they blow a hole in him with a howitzer?
-...oh...I see...hmmm...

*we continue on our way down the street towards the stadium. we don't think we've heard that inane a conversation since...well, yesterday.*

------------------------------------------------
ooc: TBF's "The Canonization of Alan Belmore" is great! It's humorous, pokes fun at himself, and works itself nicely around the footbal match. I loved it.

O'Malley Collars James A Hollar
'slaves win away

A first-half Hat-trick by Aaron O'Malley gave the 'slaves all three points in a comfortable away win.

The young striker netted after only eight minutes, tidying up after the J.A.Hollar goalkeeper fumbled a fierce drive by Croft. The second came ten minutes later, as a corner was missed by everyone, and O`Malley sweeped the ball into the top of the net at the far post.

Goal number three came on the stroke of half-time, as the 'slaves broke from a Hollar attack. O`Malley, Maidens, Mill and Ward found themselves against just two defenders. Ward skinned the first one, and sent a ball through for Maidens to run onto. The keeper advanced, Maidens squared the ball to O`Malley, and O`Malley scored into the empty net to grab the easiest Hat-trick he'll ever score.

After half-time, James A Hollar bucked up their ideas a little and started playing some better football. Spurred on by a partizan home crowd, Hollar scored on fifty minutes through a well-taken header, and were close to grabbing a second a minute later as a mistake by Croft let the striker through on goal, but his shot was blocked by Pedder.

Hollar continued to pressurize the 'slave defence, but the 'slaves broke again later on, and Paul Ward scored his second goal of the campaign, slotting the ball past a stranded keeper

Hollar's attacks became less fruitful as the game entered the final minutes, although the team somehow scored in injury time as the 'slaves fell asleep at the back, and the number 9 was allowed a free-header to make the score 2-4.

Final Score

James A Hollar 2 (some dude 50, some dude 90+1)
Audioslavia 4 (O`Malley 8, 19, 44, Ward 72)

A.I.C. Strikes the 'Slaves again
Aquilla puppets preside over 'Slaves

A.I.C. Does not stand for 'Alice In Chains' or even 'Ariddia Is Crap'. Rather, it stands for one of the many reasons why the 'slaves leave it until the last match-day to secure qualification. 'Aquilla Inferiority Complex'. Audioslavia have never beaten Aquilla, or any of Aquilla's puppet nations, so when the 'slaves travelled to Eaglet on Saturday, they were expecting the worst.

Things didnt start too badly, as O`Malley - the 'slaves most in-form player - took it upon himself to open the scoring, giving the 'slaves a one-nil lead going into the break.

However, Eaglet rallied in the second half. For forty minutes, Eaglet were first to every ball, quick in the tackle and just looked to have the edge on the Audioslavia team. Eaglet finally equalized on seventy-two minutes, and scored again five minutes later as the 'slaves failed to hold out.

Maidens went close to equalising in injury time, but Eaglet held on for a well deserved win.

Final Score

Eaglet 2 (Some dude 72, Some other dude 77)
Audioslavia 1 (O`Malley 28)

Audioslavia piss all over Gaddland
'Soundgardian On Sunday' pun writer turns up to work drunk

Audioslavia made up for a dissapointing performance last week to put five goals past a Gaddland team that seems to be running out of steam after an impressive start to the qualifying campaign.

O`Malley scored first... again... but kept his goal tally down to just one this time. A header by Sean Flitcroft on twenty minutes gave the 'slaves a two-goal lead, but Gaddland answered back through a Tom Wickersham penalty on the half-hour. Gaddland enjoyed a breif spell of pressure, until Iain Maidens restored the two-goal advantage going into half-time.

Audioslavia started the second-half much like they started the first, with a Jackie Croft bullet header making the score 4-1. Two substitutes collaborated to produce goal number five, ten minutes from time. Ally Marsden beat two players down the wing before pulling the ball back for Craig Belmore to strike the ball cheekily between the keeper and the post.

Gaddland didnt look much like scoring at the games' death, and so it was up to a piece of solo magic from star-striker Oliver Gadd to salvage a bit of pride from the match, breaking through the 'slave defence, rounding the goalkeeper and slotting the ball home.

Final Score

Audioslavia 5 (O`Malley 8, Flitcroft 20, Maidens 42, Croft 59, Belmore 83)
Gaddland 2 (Wickersham 37, Gadd 90)

'Slaves Dissapoint At Home
Two Points Dropped against El Cid The Hero

Audioslavia today threw away a two-goal lead to draw 2-2 with the unfancied El Cid The Hero.

The 'slaves raced into a two-goal lead after just 20 minutes, with Maidens and Shearer getting on the score-sheet, but the 'slaves eased down too early, and El Cid were able to get back into the game, scoring once just after half-time, and again ten minutes later. Audioslavia failed to move out of first-gear for the final half-hour, and game finished in stalemate

Final Score
Audioslavia 2 (Maidens 3, Shearer 21)
El Cid The Hero 2 (Some dude 47, Some other Dude 60)

[code:1:ee2f451d65]
Group 4
Code:
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts
1 East Spaam 8 5 1 2 16 8 8 16 16
2 Audioslvia 8 4 2 2 19 11 8 19 14
3 Iansisle 8 4 2 2 14 8 6 14 14
4 Gaddland 8 4 1 3 11 12 -1 11 13
5 Eaglet 8 3 3 2 13 12 1 13 12
6 EL CID THE HERO 8 3 2 3 13 11 2 13 11
7 James A Hollar 8 2 1 5 7 18 -11 7 7
8 Abysmalistan 8 1 0 7 9 22 -13 9 3
[/code:1:ee2f451d65]

As we pass the half-way stage of the season, Audioslavia lie second in the table, sandwhiched between the impressive East Spaam, and an in-form Iansisle team. Gaddland's initial charge seems to be grinding to a halt, taking just one point from the last three games, although they still like just one point from the qualification spots. Eaglet are soldiering on, just a point behind Gaddland, and El Cid The Hero are placed just a point behind them.

The two trailing sides, James A Hollar and Abysmalistan, dont seem to be able to compete with the rest of the group.

Audioslavia, with games against Iansisle and Abysmalistan to come, cannot afford to slip up as the race for WC12 qualification hots up.

I've been Malcom McVities, g'nite bitches

D2R Times

Another Draw for D2R

Victory was swooped away from D2R by Flacktania with two injury/stoppage time goals. D2R dominated the first 90 minutes of the game, with Maeda back on scoring form, with a striking volley from a Jay-Jay Step cross on the edge of the box in the 40th minute. And an overhead kick from a weak punch from the Flacktania goalkeeper. D2R kept pressure on Flacktania until the last 5 minutes of the game, and with 3 minutes stoppage time, D2R manager Terry Freeze was sure that the game was won. In the 1st minute of stoppage time, though, Flacktania started to gain spirit, a shot from the Flacktanian Left Midfielder was left to go out by Paul Handplant, but hit the post and crossed the line. Then, seconds before the final whistle, a hopeful shot skidded across the floor, Handplant lifted his foot to control it, and it slipped underneath and across the line. Two terrible mistakes by Handplant, which Terry Freeze will have a word to him about. D2R Fans went home knowing that they have thrown 2 points away.
Final Score: Flacktania 2 - 2 Dance 2 Revolution

United Gaddland Sports Weekly

Nationstates' Most Unpopular Sports Magazine

Gaddland Scores Überholy Win In James A Hollar

http://www.sabbatarian.com/Paganism/Photos/SacredHJesus.jpg

The Delirious Cows were intent on quashing any rumours of mad everscriete
tomato disease spreading when the James A Hollar national team went to Gaddland
for the second round of World Cup qualifying. The team she fielded had only one
thing in mind, and that was NO EVERSCREITE TOMATOES, with lone striker,
five midfielders, and four defenders staying away from the expats for
2 weeks before the match. Oliver Gadd again headed the strike force, with Vatcher,
Edwards and Goshawk all stationed in central positions, in what was an obvious ploy to keep
any tomatoes out of the team.

[code:1:115c37cd80]
FW Gadd

MF Battersby Vatcher Edwards Goshawk Belmore

DF Dungate Austin Wickersham Aggleton

GK Harreros-Symons
[/code:1:115c37cd80]

The game began well from a spectators point of view, with the fanatical
Hollarians pressuring the Gaddlandians, and the determined
Gaddlandians doing the same. A high percentage shots were made on
goal in the first 15 minutes, but overall it was a gritty midfield affair, and
rarely venturing with 15 metres of goal. The Hollarians looked like they
were keeping up with the Gaddlandians, until the 20th minute when
suddenly they seemed to become unnerved. Their defense
fell apart, and that is when the spectators attacked.

Alan Belmore was the first to draw blood, in the 24th minute, when he
managed to get clear of the markers, and accepted a pass from Dodd,
when suddenly, from the corner of the crowd flew a 20 Gaddpence peice,
easily penertrating his hand. Because of the Hollarian Holligan the game
had to be stopped for 5 minutes as Alan Belmore was strechered off so
the medics could treat his cut. The Abysmali referee did not know what to
do in this situation so promptly went up to the Hollarian fan and sent him
off. The Hollarian, rather surprised by this action had no other option but
to leave the ground. Four minutes later Battersby was hit from the other
side, accepting a through pass from Dungate. Again, the coin flew over
and lodged itself in his hand. Luckily this time it missed the viens and
Battersby decided to play on. Suddenly facing only 1 player more than us
the Hollarians tried to rally, and they managed to throw 3 more 20Gp
pieces on Battersby in the next ten minutes, but the damage had been
done. They coins just kept on deflecting off the already positioned piece.

In the 39th minute Gadd accepted a pass from Battersby, and ran
with it for 30 metres, before beating their rather sedate goalkeeper, and
in a show of defiance, stopped the ball, turned around, putting her hands
behind his head, and blasted the ball over goal to his complete embarressment.
The Gagganian crowd were outrage at the audacity Gadd showed,
possibly losing the team the match. While the usually quietened Hollarians
managed a complete heckle, and thrown coins. Gaddland were
looking down the barrel of the thrashing of a most embarrassing mistake prize,
deserving to one goal to nil up going into the break.

There were some hooligans on the field during the break, throwing
coins down. This was particularly popular amoungst the poorer of the
Gaddlandians but did lead to a 5 minute delay to the start of the second
half. The Hollarians started the second half off well, playing as they did
at the beginning of the first half, even managing a few shots on goal.
However, Gaddland finally took control of the match, and in the 59th
minute, Gadd got his second goal of the cup, with an acrobatic display
coming from an Edwards corner. The next half hour saw Gaddland
continue to dominate the match, and though they managed another
6 shots on goal, the one goal to nil scoreline stood until the 90th minute.

Two minutes before the end of injury time, Edwards scored his first
goal of the campaign, with shot from 10 metres out that just beat the
goalkeeper, and bounced off the side post before going in. With that goal,
Gaddland equalled their best ever peformance in a match. The delirious
Cows and their team had answered the critics, with not one person going
down with mad everscreite tomato disease.

After the Match one Brother Giles said-
"I say unto you this win was thanks to the lord. He gave us the win."
He was promptly trampled by the crowd.

Gaddland 2
(Gadd 59, Edwards 89)
James A Hollar 0

BOVINE TIMES

BOVINES DISPATCH CRUSADERS 3 - 0

EL TORO

The Bovines laid seige to Jeruselem today and managed to come away with an impressive win. The Bovines managed to breakdown the usually stalwart Crusader defense for three tallies. They also managed a strong defensive effort of their own to deny the Crusaders any goals. The Bovine midfield played an impressive match maintaining possession and creating plenty of scoring chances.

In the first half the home side came out of the tunnel looking very aggressive and ready to play. Coach Galloway sent his team onto the pitch in a 3-5-2 formation, and they managed to clog the midfield and deny the Crusaders passes through the center of the pitch. This tactic paid off in the 20th minute as Romagnola intercepted a Jeruselem pass at the center circle and found Holstein with some room on the right. Holstein took on his defender and rushed down the sideline. He sent a low cross into the box which found Santa Gertrudis at the penalty spot. The Bovine forward appeared to try a volley but the ball went off his knee. The miss hit ball wrong footed the keeper and found the back of the net putting the locals up 1-nil.

Both teams continued to struggle to gain control of the midfield for the remainder of the first half. With possession going back and forth, the Bovines had a few chances but could not capitalize. Their best chance came in the 35th minute as Zebu and Santa Gertrudis combined with quick passes just inside the Jeruselem box. Zebu managed a good shot that was pushed around the post by the keeper.

The Crusaders also had some chances towards the end of the first half but their strikers failed to put shots on net. At the half time whistle the Bovines were still ahead 1-nil.

The Crusaders came back from the break determined to get the equalizer back early, they pressed their attacks but continued to have difficulty moving the ball through the midfield. They almost broke through in the 50th minute as an overlapping back brought the ball all the way down to the Bovine end line and managed a good cross into the heart of the box. One of the Crusader forwards headed the ball towards the net but Devon punched it away.

The midfield pressure by the Bovines paid off again in the 59th minute, as Piedmontese intercepted a midfield pass just inside of the Crusader half of the pitch. The Bovine playmaker slipped the ball by his defender to Zebu who redirected the pass into the roof of the net just over the onrushing keeper. The goal put the home side up 2-nil.

Coach Galloway wasted no time bringing in two defensive players in a clear attempt to maintain the score. In the 60th minute, the twins Friesian, and Holstein came off and were replaced by Hereford, and Brown.

Zebu struck again in the 75th minute, this time the Bovine forward intercepted a slow pass back to the keeper at the top of the Crusader box and took the ball into the area unopposed. Zebu slotted the ball low into the far post for the final tally of the match.

Coach Galloway answered a few questions before boarding the team bus back to the Bovine training facility in Barnville. When asked what he thought of the tournament so far he said, "I think we are doing pretty well, today's victory was a pleasant surprise. The Crusaders are usually a pretty good defensive side, we managed to disrupt their game tempo early. After our first goal they started pressing for an equalizer and that opened some counter attack opportunities for us." When asked about any changes in the lineup during the rest of the tournament Coach Galloway stated that, "I've had a fairly constant group that has played most of the matches. I may start bringing in one or two of my reserves in the upcoming matches just to give them a chance to play at the international level."

In group 11 qualifying action The Weegies were the other winning side today as they took care of Holy India 1 - 0. The Wonderteam and Spaam played to a 1 - 1 draw in Oglethorpia, and The Strike Birds and Brazillico were also knotted at 1 all.

The Bovines next match will be a tough road test against Spaam.

*where ever we are, it is completely dark. pitch black. not a bit of light. black as the ace of spades. we can't see a thing. but we hear...breathing. and for some time, nothing else. as we begin to wonder just what we're doing here, and are on the verge of stumbling around looking for a way out - we hear a sad, low voice. we listen in (well, of course we do. i wouldn't be writing this, and you wouldn't be reading it, if we didn't. get with the program, people.)*

- [sigh]...another draw...
- Aw, Ben, don't take it so hard.
- Eileen, they don't seem to have any spirit.
- Well, I think it's a good thing they don't.
- ...What?
- I said it's a good thing they don't, Ben.
- Eileen - you're an assistant manager for the Hooligans, and a respected figure in football.
- Well...thanks, Ben. Except I don't know how respected I may be in Tanah Burung.
- Forget that...well, forget it for a minute. Look, Eileen, I just can't believe you said it's a good thing the Hooligans don't have any spirit.
- Ben Dover! I didn't say anything of the sort!
- You just said...
- As sure as my name is Eileen Dover, I did not say it's a good thing the Hooligans don't have any spirit.
- I heard you. I said "Eileen, they don't seem to have any spirit," and then you said, "Well, I think it's a good thing they don't."
- You said "Eileen, they don't seem to have any spirits." I just meant...
- I said "spirit".
- Well, I heard "spirits", and I just meant it would be a good thing if they don't get drunk - again.
- Well, unfortunately, they do have spirits. They always have spirits. I think some of 'em are playing half bombed. I just can't catch 'em tankin' up.
- I think some of 'em are playing completely bombed.
- Well, I'd agree with you. Except they're really not playing, are they?
- Playing football? Not them. Playing around? That they seem to be doing.
- Another flippin' draw.
- Aw, Ben, don't take in so hard.
- Three loses, two draws, and only three wins. They play like a bunch of school kids.
- Most school kids play better.
- :idea:
- Don't get and ideas, Ben.
- Why not? It's been done before.
- Do you seriously think the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages is going to let you replace a team of professional footballers with some school kids?
- Of course not. But Margaret might - and that's what matters.
- Why would she even consider it?
- Because we could replace these guys with eleven tubes of toothpaste and get the same results.
- Well...let's think about it before we do anything rash.
- Alright. I'll think about it. But I'm telling you, Eileen, right now I'm thinking Justin, you, and I could go out there and do better.
- ...Now, there's an idea.

*we aren't so sure that that is an idea. it's definitely something, but we don't think "idea" is what it is. since we are polite and respectable people, we aren't at liberty to say exactly what we think that is. suffice it to say that if we did say what we think that is, it would be a set of extremely derogatory words that some might find offensive. on that note, we take our leave.*

One Red Dot Stunned In Third Match Against Bulldogs
"They're always ranked higher, but they never win!" says Quigley in interview
ONE RED DOT - With little confidence, the Bulldogs went to their fourth game played in One Red Dot yesterday (though it was the first one played against ORD). Though the previous non-home match between the sides ended 2-1 in the Bulldogs' favor, they knew that the teams were different now and that the ORD side would have home field advantage, unlike the game played in the International City, the closest major city to Commerce Heights City that isn't in Commerce Heights. Even with the disadvantages, Zaidi and Hufschmidt scored one goal each in the first half, with ORD scoring none. At halftime, with the 2-0 lead, the Bulldogs switched to the defensive, subbing in defenders for Sherwood, McCormick, and Zaidi to make a 6-2-2 formation. A ball still got through the defense early in the second half, giving the ORDians hope that they could still manage a draw or even a win. However, with each shot at the defense, the ball would fall into the possession of the Bulldogs offense, which managed to score 2 more goals before the match was over.
Final Score:
(15) Commerce Heights 4 (Zaidi 18, Hufschmidt 33, Quigley 71, Modde 80)
(09) One Red Dot 1 - FT

There’s No Tick-Tock on your Electric Clock, but still your life runs down.

Pacé Araño stood between the pipes of Stadia Kingsford in Arms of Nobles. The National held a 2 nothing lead. His palms were sweating with anxiety, he was the best performing keeper in all of qualifying, letting in only one goal so far.

There’s No Tick Tock…

He looked at the scoreboard. Three minutes remained in the second half, and it looked like the midfield was containing the ball.

On your Electric Clock…

The ball was lost and the former World Cup Champions Dennisov took the ball down the pitch toward him. The 5 man defense was playing forward, only Holmes DeWarlur and Scott Dark staying back.

But still…

The wingman passed DeWarlur, the striker coming at an amazing speed towards Dark.

Your life…

The cross came soaring over, meeting the head of the striker and passing Araño’s outstretched arms. The ball clashed with the dew laden net, sending droplets of water into the air. As Araño hit the ground, he looked up at the scoreboard. Where the 0 had been under Dennisov, there now was a 1.

Runs down.

The whole of Stadia Kingsford was silent and still. This being only the second goal to pass the “Spanish Wall,” no one knew what would happen. Soon, the whistle blew, leaving the Kingsford National with a complete, yet hollow victory. In the locker room, Pacé didn’t know what to expect. Normally, a 2-1 victory would’ve been greeted with cheers, especially over a former champion like Dennisov. But still, most of the team, including Pacé, sat in silence. So many accomplishments were to his name; 4 Time All High School keeper; 4 Time all-Uni Keeper; 6 Time KPL East Keeper; 2 Time All-KPL keeper; 3 Time John Thompson Outstanding Keeper Reward Recipient; yet all of these seemed like half-pitched credentials, and he like an amateur after letting in the goal.

There’s no

As the team went back to the Kingsford National Athletic Guild location in Arms of Nobles, Araño went straight to his quarters to go to sleep. He didn’t talk to anyone, not even his room mate, Celedonio Murcielago.

No Tick Tock

The next morning, it seemed like the team would rather forget the incident all together. But Pacé could still recall the shock of the stadium, the horrible ringing of the silence, the droplets of dew landing in his hair, the feel of lying on the pitch without the coveted ball.

On your electric clock

Araño wondered if he would ever be the same.

But still, your life, runs… down.

The World Cup Update: MD 8

MD8:
Silas Grozhny in Stonedhads for Stonedheads 1 Liverpool England 1

Stonedheads 1 (<player 19> 1)
Liverpool England 1 (Blackwell 36)

WHAT THE HELL, TEAM?
Sigh - STONEDHEADS 1 LIVERPOOL ENGLAND 1 AGAIN. How much more predictable could you get?

With Stonedheads up after just 14 seconds, a new World Cup record which the Liverpool England defence failed to stop, you knew this wasnt going to be a good night for the visitors.

The match then settled down for a bit, but midway through the first half there was a flare thrown onto the pitch which resulted in the match being stopped. As the officials converged to decide on a ruling, they allowed play to continue.

And then Blackwell struck. As the Stonedheads defence went stone-headed, excuse the pun, Blackwell picked up on a through ball from Howard Christopher and slotted the ball into the bottom left corner of the net.

And the flares started coming again. The match officials then abandoned the game, and let the score stand at 1-1. Liverpool England's furious manager Caddy Cannon said that he would put in a complaint to the WCC about the nature of Stonedhead's fans.

FULL TIME AT 40 MINS
Stonedheads 1 Liverpool England 1

(OOC - this is just an RP. Not to get you to redo the scores. Of course, if you want to, please go ahead ;))

CADDY CANNON'S MANAGERIAL COMPLAINT TO THE HEAD OF THE WCC, CLEM GILSON AND TO THE HOSTS, LEMMITANIA AND KAZE PROGRESSA

I have come across many odd things in my whole footballing career, from eating Hells Bovines (for those who dont know, reference to WC9) to BSE-Free Bovines, but this just taks he cake.

Never have I had flares thrown onto the pitch when I was playing, let alone have them thrown at me! I did get injured by a flare, but the physios attended to me and I was able to continue at the stands. All I am asking for is disciplinary action to be taken against the hooliganism these Stonedheads fans have shown throughout the 40 minutes of the match.

It would be appreciated if you could default the match to us, but we would be happy with the point. With that, I thank you for your time to read this letter and my concerns.

Caddy Cannon
Liverpool England Team Manager

CC: FALE

(OOC -DP)

Steve Ribeiro, member of the World Cup Committee can't help but seize an opportunity to overstep his boundaries as a delegate. He sits in his garden, with the crystal clear sea sparkling in the background, gently emitting the sound of waves crashing against the shoreline. Steve's really done himself up for the occasion, as it looks like he's put more gel in his hair than usual. He gently pinches his marguarita with his index and thumb and looks up at the camera with a rather blasé look.

Mr. Cannon, although the judgement of the referee to stop the match was an extremely poor one, I do not believe this decision should be reversed. If you worked half as hard on your team than you do manufacturing excuses and whining after losses or draws, you could like remove the former from that all-too-often used title of Former Champs. Besides, the mere thought of you getting injured by a flying flare simply hilariates me.

(OOC - this is just an RP. Not to get you to redo the scores. Of course, if you want to, please go ahead ;))

CADDY CANNON'S MANAGERIAL COMPLAINT ...a lot of verbiage in here pertinent to the complaint itself...asking for is disciplinary action to be taken against the hooliganism these Stonedheads fans have shown...blah, blah, blah...
To:
The Liverpool England Football Association
and
The Liverpool England Team Manager

Sirs:

We regret that this letter must be written, but under the circumstances we find in necessary. Before we begin our complaint, we wish to remind the Liverpool England Football Association of our long history of good relations, both on the pitch and off.

Now, to business.

We find offensive in the extreme Caddy Cannon's use of the term "hooliganism" to, as we take his meaning, refer to rude and obnoxious behaviour of certian football fans, often bordering on, and sometimes constituting, illegal acts of violence and mayhem.

We insist that such behaviour be refered to in some more appropriate manner in the future. We would like a statement from the Liverpool England Football Association assuring us that this was an isolated incident, is regretted, and will not be repeated.

Your actions are giving the Hooligans a bad name.

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages
Representing
The Ministry of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages
The Snub Nose 38 Football Association
and
The Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38

damn, i'm being really bad about RPing this cup.



4-1 Win Keeps Pschychoes in 2nd Place

Squornshelous' 4-1 victory over AlanShearer keeps the team ranked second in a very competitive group 7. After matchday 8, the standings look like this:

[code:1:7041e06e3a]
Group 7
Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Giant Zucchini 8 6 1 1 19 7 12 19
2 Squornshelous 8 4 2 2 11 7 4 14
3 Creedence Clearwater 8 4 1 3 15 11 15 13
4 Eauz 8 3 3 2 12 8 4 12
5 Mattigool 8 2 3 3 12 12 0 9
6 Valient 8 2 2 4 8 17 -9 8
7 Rinkeby 8 2 1 5 6 14 -9 7
8 AlanShearer 8 1 3 4 9 16 -7 6
[/code:1:7041e06e3a]

The Pschychoes followed their "score early and often" tactics perfectly, opening the scoring in the 11th minute with a corner headed in by Phillip Knorr. The ball arced in just outside of the 6 yard box and richocheted into the top right corner of the net. A reply came quickly, in the 20th minute, on a mishandled lob into the attacking zone. Zak Truman couldn't control the ball and (player) stole it and scored from ten yards out to even the score. The game remained deadlocked well into the second half, when the Pschychoes' superior conditioning began to show. Three quick goals in the 68th, 74th and 81st minutes, two by Striker Koren Jackson, and one by cup newcomer Jamal Richards, were knocked in. With the score standing at 4-1, the Pschychoes backed of and played strong defense for the remainder of the game.

Scoring Summary:
S: Knorr [11]
A: (player) [20]
S: Jackson [68]
S: Richards [74]
S: Jackson [81]

Booking Summary
S: Brooks (yellow) [51]

Squornshelous' Scorers
Jackson: 4
Knorr: 3
Richards: 2
Pavon: 1
Rivera: 1

Jeruselem Government News

Kewell returns for WC XII crunch match

Harry Kewell has returned from injury to play against Brazillco on it's 9th World Cup XII match. Coach Bob Marley said "Hey man, we're fielding a full strength side man. We must win to keep up hopes of making the next round man."

In other news, Defender Rabbi Shalom will not play as he had to return to Jerusalem for his other job. Priest James Christiana will take his play for the match.

World Cup Update - Cannon and FA Issue Apology to Snub Nose 38, Rebuke Steve Ribeiro

The FA's letter to the officials over at Snub Nose 38

Dear Minister for Snub Nose 38's Ministry of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages, and the Snub Nose 38 Football Association,
we have taken into consideration your letter, and Caddy Cannon's letter to the WCC, which got leaked into the press.

We assure you that this was not targeted at the Frost-Free Borderlands, was an isolated case, and it shall not be repeated. Mr. Cannon has been warned over his words, and we do regret the incident.

We again apologise if his actions gave th Snub Nose 38 Hooligans a bad name.

Paul Dussis
Coach, Liverpool England
Managerial Director for Football, Football Association of Liverpool England

The FA's letter to Steve Ribeiro

Dear Sir, we thank you for your comments on the matter. We must point out a few things. If the match had gone on, we could hae gone on to win the game. Secondly, Mr. Cannon does not appreciate you insult, and the Football Association are considering sueing the Brazillican Football Association. Mr Cannon is also not happy that such an unfortunate incident (the flare incident) could actually hilariate someone - this discipline, or lack of, should not be tolerated. Also, the term 'Former Champs' was last used 4 years ago in World Cup 11 Qualifying.

Paul Dussis

Caddy Cannon's letter to the Snub Nose 38 FA

Dear Sirs,
I must offer my sincerest of apologies if my leaked letter hurt the Hooligan name. However, the atrocities commited by the Stonedhead fans left me with no other word to use.

Personally I do believe that the term will not be used wrongly again and once more, I apologise for any unpleasantries.

Caddy Cannon
Liverpool England Team Manager

The World Cup Update

Decaltré Jomans at the Old National Stadium for Liverpool England 0 Alex The Tall 1

Caddy Cannon Suffers Backlash - Team Loses at Home

Oh no. Ffor the first time since WC6, when the team made its debut, Liverpool England look like losing out on qualifying. Then again, participating in the Cup of Harmony won't be too bad, would it now? After Snub Nose 38 and Brazillico's Steve Ribeiro issued statements about Caddy Cannon's private letter to the FA which was leaked in this very paper, he seems to be suffering.

Let's look at the letters.

Caddy Cannon's original letter:
"CADDY CANNON'S MANAGERIAL COMPLAINT TO THE HEAD OF THE WCC, CLEM GILSON AND TO THE HOSTS, LEMMITANIA AND KAZE PROGRESSA

I have come across many odd things in my whole footballing career, from eating Hells Bovines (for those who dont know, reference to WC9) to BSE-Free Bovines, but this just taks he cake.

Never have I had flares thrown onto the pitch when I was playing, let alone have them thrown at me! I did get injured by a flare, but the physios attended to me and I was able to continue at the stands. All I am asking for is disciplinary action to be taken against the hooliganism these Stonedheads fans have shown throughout the 40 minutes of the match.

It would be appreciated if you could default the match to us, but we would be happy with the point. With that, I thank you for your time to read this letter and my concerns.

Caddy Cannon
Liverpool England Team Manager

CC: FALE"

Snub Nose 38's response:
"To:
The Liverpool England Football Association
and
The Liverpool England Team Manager

Sirs:

We regret that this letter must be written, but under the circumstances we find in necessary. Before we begin our complaint, we wish to remind the Liverpool England Football Association of our long history of good relations, both on the pitch and off.

Now, to business.

We find offensive in the extreme Caddy Cannon's use of the term "hooliganism" to, as we take his meaning, refer to rude and obnoxious behaviour of certian football fans, often bordering on, and sometimes constituting, illegal acts of violence and mayhem.

We insist that such behaviour be refered to in some more appropriate manner in the future. We would like a statement from the Liverpool England Football Association assuring us that this was an isolated incident, is regretted, and will not be repeated.

Your actions are giving the Hooligans a bad name.

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages
Representing
The Ministry of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages
The Snub Nose 38 Football Association
and
The Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38"

Brazillico's response:
"Mr. Cannon, although the judgement of the referee to stop the match was an extremely poor one, I do not believe this decision should be reversed. If you worked half as hard on your team than you do manufacturing excuses and whining after losses or draws, you could like remove the former from that all-too-often used title of Former Champs. Besides, the mere thought of you getting injured by a flying flare simply hilariates me."

Which, to illustrate a point, the team is becoming as unpopular as The Belmore Family. today the Football Association issued a rebuttal right before the kick off of today's match.

"Dear Minister for Snub Nose 38's Ministry of Athletics, Olympics and Alcoholic Beverages, and the Snub Nose 38 Football Association,
we have taken into consideration your letter, and Caddy Cannon's letter to the WCC, which got leaked into the press.

We assure you that this was not targeted at the Frost-Free Borderlands, was an isolated case, and it shall not be repeated. Mr. Cannon has been warned over his words, and we do regret the incident.

We again apologise if his actions gave th Snub Nose 38 Hooligans a bad name.

Paul Dussis
Coach, Liverpool England
Managerial Director for Football, Football Association of Liverpool England", "Dear Sir, we thank you for your comments on the matter. We must point out a few things. If the match had gone on, we could hae gone on to win the game. Secondly, Mr. Cannon does not appreciate you insult, and the Football Association are considering sueing the Brazillican Football Association. Mr Cannon is also not happy that such an unfortunate incident (the flare incident) could actually hilariate someone - this discipline, or lack of, should not be tolerated. Also, the term 'Former Champs' was last used 4 years ago in World Cup 11 Qualifying.

Paul Dussis"

and Caddy Cannon himself issued a response, which we will not showcase due to lack of space.

Well, back to the game. Does one have any idea of how the team actually played? They played well. And lost to a last minute goal. Was it controversial? Yes, you could say it was. 0-0 and on the attack, Howard Christopher was fouled and the ref ruled it as a dive. From theresulting free kick, the Alex the Tall keeper found his striker, and wham. The only goal of the match.

FULL TIME
Liverpool England 0 Alex The Tall 1

ASNN - United Thump Group Bottom Feeders

GRAHAM CITY - The United, the main source of alot of the trouble this early qualifying have begun to make up for themselves, smashing group bottom dwellers Wella three nothing today in Graham City.

Team leader Quentin Mckeehan scored twelve minutes into the game, on a beautiful pass from Kassen Illius, who placed it perfect just passed the mass of Wellan midfielders and defenders. The half was full of beautiful chnaces for the United, who controlled the play so firmly the Wellans sent in defenders to replace their forwards.

Steven Kastor pulled a beautiful manuver around three Wellan defensemen, then took a power shot in on the Wellan goal. Several defenders moved to block the shot, but it ricocheted of all five and in past the bewildered goalie.

About 3 quaters of the way through the second half, Xavier Ford stole the ball on a sloppy pass by the lone Wellan forward. He turned quickly, then skilled his way past every defensmen, before powering it through the goalies outstretched hands.

TLC United 3 - 0 Wella
McKeehan (12)
Kastor (43)
Ford (78)

D2R Times

Expected win from D2R

D2R travelled to Nadeer favourites to win, and the favourite stamp did not affect the players. A goal from William Chaos in 27th second put D2R in front. D2R's pressure on the Nadeer defence did not stop, shot's from almost everybody on the team produced god-like saves from the goalkeeper and miraculous defending. By half time, the score could, and probably should have been about 13-0 to D2R. The team talk to the Nadeer players seemed to work for the first 15 minutes of the 2nd half. Nadeer players pushing up and the defensive strategy changed from a flat-back 4 to an off-side trap, but lots of closing down by D2R players restricted Nadeer to 3 shots for the whole match, with only 1 on target. Deservedly, the man of the match was the Nadeer goalkeeper, keeping most D2R attacks at bay.

Final Score: Nadeer 0 - 1 Dance 2 Revolution

The Abysmal Times:

Doping confirmed?
The Abysmals have again played a match, which was not expected. They archieved a not-a-win-and-also-not-a-draw-but-the-match-took-place against El Cid The Hero. The match was overshadowed by the collapse of Meep in the 23rd minute. Since the hospitals in El Cid The Hero are much much-less-worse than the abysmali ones, he is expected to play the next match again. The doctor said, that some 'strange substances' were found in his blood, he planned to run some tests to prove this. Unfortunatly he couldn't run this test anymore because his car crashed on his way home. Since the Cids are a bit superstitous, nobody wanted to run the tests anymore. Also the last results of doping tests could not be published because the Abysmal doctor let them fall into the swamp and couldn't remember it. Of course this is only coincidence.
After this score, which can't be possible, but unfortunatly is, the abysmals are still last in the table, but they are not eliminated yet for some strange reason. The Rejistanian coach Ha~e Hangila said: 'I don't believe in this crap about doping, we simply have a good team!' The Abysmal reporters still think about the meaning of the word 'good' and have not found a translation into Abysmalish.

Scuttlebutt - Morning Edition

What's That We Hear?
Springfield Remington Grey

This says it all:
[code:1:6af1349ea5]Group 3
Pos Team P W D L F A GD GS Pts PP
1 Warnocks Wizards 9 7 2 0 21 7 14 21 23 38
2 Timway 9 6 2 1 16 7 9 16 20 35
3 Defari 9 6 2 1 20 14 6 20 20 35
4 Stalag 5 9 4 2 3 12 12 0 12 14 29
5 Sacco and Vanzetti 9 4 1 4 11 10 1 11 13 28
6 Snub Nose 38 9 3 2 4 14 10 4 14 11 26
E Northen Wastestan 9 1 0 8 8 20 -12 8 3 18
E Hash n Beans 9 0 0 9 0 22 -22 0 0 15
[/code:1:6af1349ea5]
Only five matches to go, and the Hooligans are sixth in group 3. Twelve points out of first. Nine points out of second. And nine points out of third and a "second chance" to qualify.

Having "earned" a pathetic eleven points in nine matches, it just doesn't seem likely they'll garner enough in five matches to overtake Warnocks Wizards, Timway, or Defari.

What is that we hear? That, friends, is the fat lady warming up in the wings.

The Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages turned up missing this morning. The Sheriff of Remington County, dispatched by the Minister of Justice and Real Estate to bring him in for questioning, found only this note:

"Guess it looks pretty bad. Guess the Hooligans won't win the cuppy thing this time 'round, either. Guess I better be somewhere else now."

The Deputy Minister was arrested instead. He was taken to the offices of The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Frost-Free Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38. A series of unpleasant sounds have been eminating from those same offices for several hours now.

The Vice-Deputy Minister has replaced the entire Hooligans line-up. The earlier line up boarded the Ferry for Elba this morning, with assistance from 20 of the Sheriff of Remington County's Deputies. They were heard to say:

"____________!"

The Snub Nose 38 Hooligans roster now looks like this:

Keeper: Woodrow Ulysses Bartholemew Lief (U.B. Lief) (200)

Forwards: Anita Brake (201), Jack Cass (202)

Midfield: Beverly (203), Ben Dover (204), Eileen Dover (205), Justin Case (206)

Defense: Sal Manela (207), Sally Forth (208), Ivan Tabytcha (209), and someone known only as "Margaret" (210)

Substitutes: Eleven Tubes of Toothpaste (rumor has it that the Vice-Deputy Minister may replace the eleven tubes of toothpaste - they aren't performing up to par in practice - with eleven Hooligan Cheerleaders)

The Vice-Deputy Minister informed the press that Ben Dover will be a "Player-Manager" for now.

Ben's comment - "Well, we can hardly do worse - although I'm sure a little physical training's going to be necessary."

In the background we thought we heard a discussion about the pros and cons of various locations in the Great Alkali Desert - but we must have been mistaken.

In Another Related News Story...

Hooliganism?
Liverpool England Mike Easter, aspn wire

Paul Dussis, Liverpool Englands Coach and Managerial Director for Football, Football Association of Liverpool England issued a nicely worded letter today apologizing for using the term "hooliganism" in a way that might have been considered derogatory. The term was used by Caddy Cannon, Liverpool Englands Manager, in the heat of the moment while discussing the shameful behaviour of some fans at a recent match between Liverpool England and Stoneheads.

Caddy Cannon himself wrote the following:

"Dear Sirs,
I must offer my sincerest of apologies if my leaked letter hurt the Hooligan name. However, the atrocities commited by the Stonedhead fans left me with no other word to use.

Personally I do believe that the term will not be used wrongly again and once more, I apologise for any unpleasantries.

Caddy Cannon
Liverpool England Team Manager

This reporter thinks entirely too much has been made of this. For Pete's sake, our national side is called The Hooligans, after all. We believe the missing Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages (who is known to be somewhat flakey, anyway) let the use of the term "hooliganism" get under his skin due to the incredibly poor performance of the Hooligans to date. Well - no worries - Liverpool England has certainly reassured Snub Nose 38 of the good friendship between our nations, and the fool Minister is gone missing anyway.