NationStates Jolt Archive

This is the official thread of World Cup Twelve, where roleplays will be posted, the battles will be described in epic (or not-so-epic if Aquilla are involved) detail, and everyone has fun.

The following 96 sides are to be involved in the qualifying stages to earn 30 places for the World Cup itself in Lemmitania and Kaze Progressa:

Total n Utter Insanity
Oglethorpia
Liverpool England
The Lowland Clans
Zeronia
Sliponia
Dennisov
Cockbill Street
Rejistania
Iansisle
Mattigool
The Belmore Family
One Red Dot
Spaam
Audioslavia
Warnocks Wizards
Kerla
Europa Brittania
Newcuba
Eauz
Tanah Burung
Praying2God
Commerce Heights
New Montreal States
Nikea
Giant Zucchini
NASTIC 2
NEWI Cefn Druids
Creedence Clearwater
AlanShearer
Bedistan
Alex The Tall
Garrard
Aquilla
Snub Nose 38
Ravenspire
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Halfassedstates
The Weegies
Nadeer
Brazillico
Santwa
Gormith
Hash n Beans
Fenisia
Kingsford
Costa Lot
OPArsenal
Vozvyshennost
Holy India
James A Hollar
Squornshelous
Talyllyn
Defari
Northern Wastestan
Lubistan
Dance 2 Revolution
Santwa
Oilermania
True Yorkshire
Lovisa
Svecia
Dokett
Erratic Blobs
Rinkeby
Valient
Indigo Islands
Patinhas
Stonedheads
Timway
Rachakidia
The Eagles Nest
Wella
Magnus Valerius
Grand Master Mark
Gesamtkuntswerk
SterlingIce
Flacktania
Telewest
New Riel
Candombe
Gaddland
BSE Free Bovines
Sacco and Vanzetti
The Redavic Union
Oddslavo [puppet of LE]
Belmorian Scandinavia [puppet of TBF]
Big Butts [puppet of HAS]
The Master Cooper [puppet of NEWI]
East Spaam [puppet of Spaam]
Eaglet [puppet of Aquilla]
Antaeus Rising [puppet of TnUI]
Stalag 5 [puppet of Mattigool]
Abysmalistan [puppet of Rejistania]
Avenging Altos [puppet of KP]

(note: several of the nations who signed up unsure of whether the Cup was full already - e.g Sacco and Vanzetti and The Redavic Union - ARE in, owing to the use of the 96-team qualifying and not the 90-team one planned by other bids.)

The draw is to take place within the next 30 minutes. Teams will be drawn into twelve groups of eight. One team from each pot - as sorted by rank - will be in each group. Pot lists are to be added in the next few minutes.

In addition, the numbers 1-8 will be sorted into random order to represent each group's 'slot' in the fixture list.

For example, if this produced the number 13245678, the team in Pot 1 go in Slot 1, the team in Pot 2 go in Slot 3, the team in Pot 3 go in Slot 2, etc.

The fixture list is based on slots and is as follows:

Day 1: 1v2, 3v4, 5v6, 7v8
Day 2: 3v1, 2v5, 4v7, 8v6
Day 3: 1v4, 6v2, 7v3, 5v8
Day 4: 5v1, 2v3, 8v4, 6v7
Day 5: 1v6, 4v2, 3v8, 7v5
Day 6: 7v1, 8v2, 3v5, 4v6
Day 7: 1v8, 2v7, 6v3, 5v4
Days 8-14: the above in reverse
(note, the HOME team is always listed first).

The rankings are as follows [apologies for lack of formatting]:

Europa Brittania 31.48
Giant Zucchini 29.43
Warnocks Wizards 25.08
Audioslavia 23.02
The Belmore Family 22.59
Aquilla 22.38
New Montreal States 22.24
Lemmitania 22.20
Ravenspire 22.16
Rejistania 22.15
One Red Dot 22.14
Ariddia 21.96
Halfassedstates 21.79
Oglethorpia 20.70
Commerce Heights 20.68
Squornshelous 20.27
Snub Nose 38 20.23
Liverpool England 19.23
Kingsford 18.77
Iansisle 18.53
Kaze Progressa 18.36
The Lowland Clans 17.59
Oddslavo 17.07
Dark Outcasts 16.98
Bedistan 16.66
Tanah Burung 16.29
Spaam 15.89
Runaway Moose 15.57
Total n Utter Insanity 15.43
Gesamtkuntswerk 15.05
Eauz 14.61
East Spaam 14.38
Antaeus Rising 14.18
Dennisov 13.43
Timway 13.36
Nikea 12.89
NASTIC 2 12.55
Kerla 12.55
Busby 11.88
Svecia 11.50
The Weegies 11.46
Cockbill Street 11.46
Belmorian Scandinavia 10.84
Brazillico 10.62
Anti-Nazis 10.21
Akbarland 10.20
Tranquillitus 10.00
Pavesia 9.91
SterlingIce 9.79
Zinkoland 9.38
Kravoli 9.32
Defari 9.23
Lanky dude 9.04
Keyshona 8.09
Big Butts 7.79
Sliponia 7.79
Morawny 7.64
Oilermania 7.00
God Squad 6.57
Dead Man 5.86
Artemisia Absentia 5.71
Vozvyshennost 5.14
One Blue Dot 5.14
Evisceratomatoes 5.13
Tony mag 4.29
Lynnwoode 4.29
Monkwearmouth 4.00
Dual supporters 4.00
Blood Devourers 3.71
Clearwater 3.50
Exetonia 3.43
EL CID THE HERO 3.41
CallMeBernard 3.38
Praying2God 3.14
Newcuba 3.14
Ptolomy 3.14
Athamasha 3.14
The Dragonian Empire 3.00
LordSquall 2.88
Ice Reavers 2.86
Alex The Tall 2.86
Stella and E 2.57
Ravea 2.57
Beestings 2.57
East-Germany 2.57
Creedence Clearwater 2.57
Belmorian Foxworthia 2.57
Haraki 2.50
Avenging Altos 2.29
Shonar Bangla 2.29
KOR3A 2.29
Peter Panarchy 2.29
NEWI Cefn Druids 2.14
Oreo Cookie 2.13
Irrevilentsdom 2.13
Koennerstein 2.00
Western pie makers 2.00
Pablicosta 2.00
Lubistan 2.00
Cermania 2.00
Senoj 1.88
Social Cleavage 1.75
The most holy Kesler 1.75
Monotonous Monarchy 1.75
Mattigool 1.71
Stealth zerbert 1.63
Great Boogie 1.63
SPARTEN 1.50
Dauragons 1.50
Kumba ya 1.50
Nadaskor 1.38
USAnia 1.38
A nation 1.38
Sensual Products 1.38
Agnosticium 1.38
Canadian Power Trip 1.38
Davii 1.38
Kamakaza 1.13
Jaurania 1.13
Microbrits 1.00
Larkinia 1.00
Scabara 1.00
Jeruselem 0.86
Eaglet 0.86
The Arrivian Alliance 0.75
Citta Acqua 0.63
Fradustanis 0.63
Grigala 0.50
Belarussian States 0.29
Gmlac 0.29
All new teams 0

Under the WC12 official formula, it is these values, not the rank order, that count.

The scores are posted here every day. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=123173)
Post your rosters here. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=121829&highlight=)

Larry Wellden: Welcome to the BBC Coverage for the World Cup 12 Qualification Draw in Kaze Progressa.

Daniel Price: We're going down to Alan Belmore whose speaking with Will Edwards.

Will Edwards: So Alan, are you looking forward to the draw?

Alan Belmore: If last times anything to go by it should be good.

WE: Who would you not like to be drawn with?

AB: The only one I am afraid of is Warnocks Wizards and there not at home now so anythng could happen in a match against them.

WE: OK, it looks like the draw is about to commence so over to Thomas Wickersham for the commentary on the draw.

Thomas Wickersham: Now, I thought the BBC were being mean when making me commentate on the draw for the finals, but now I know that's just them being kind. This is much worse....

Curious, did you take into account the Harmony Cup??

Yes, but I found that putting it in at qualifying rates was excessive (CH were fourth!). So I put it in at half final rates.

The pots:

POT ONE
Europa Brittania
Giant Zucchini
Warnocks Wizards
Audioslavia
The Belmore Family
Aquilla
New Montreal States
Ravenspire
Rejistania
One Red Dot
Halfassedstates
Oglethorpia

POT TWO
Commerce Heights
Squornshelous
Snub Nose 38
Liverpool England
Kingsford
Iansisle
The Lowland Clans
Oddslavo
Bedistan
Tanah Burung
Spaam
Total n Utter Insanity

POT THREE
Gesamtkuntswerk
Eauz
East Spaam
Antaeus Rising
Dennisov
Timway
Nikea
NASTIC 2
Kerla
Svecia
The Weegies
Cockbill Street

POT FOUR
Belmorian Scandinavia
Brazillico
SterlingIce
Defari
Big Butts
Sliponia
Oilermania
Vozvyshennost
EL CID THE HERO
Praying2God
Newcuba
Alex The Tall

POT FIVE
Creedence Clearwater
Avenging Altos
NEWI Cefn Druids
Lubistan
Mattigool
Jeruselem
Eaglet
plus five new nations to be randomly selected in the first stage of the draw

POTS SIX, SEVEN AND EIGHT
twelve new nations to be selected at the same stage

Yes, but I found that putting it in at qualifying rates was excessive (CH were fourth!). So I put it in at half final rates.

Still curious, can you post the ranks with the Harmony Cup at qualifying rates?
And I don't think that is so wrong, since they only just missed out of qualifying, and were finalists in the Harmony Cup twice in a row (winning it once).

GROUP ONE:
Aquilla
The Lowland Clans
Nikea
Vozvyshennost
Wella
Magnus Valerius
Indigo Islands
Rachakidia

GROUP TWO:
Ravenspire
Oddslavo
NASTIC 2
Oilermania
Belmorian Scandinavia
Fenisia
Candombe
New Riel

GROUP THREE:
Warnocks Wizards
Snub Nose 38
Timway
Defari
Northern Wastestan
Hash n Beans
Sacco and Vanzetti
Stalag 5

GROUP FOUR:
Audioslavia
Iansisle
East Spaam
EL CID THE HERO
Eaglet
Gaddland
Abysmalista
James A Hollar

GROUP FIVE:
Halfassedstates
Tanah Burung
Svecia
SterlingIce
NEWI Cefn Druids
The Redavic Union
True Yorkshire
Dokett

GROUP SIX:
The Belmore Family
Liverpool England
Antaeus Rising
Alex The Tall
Zeronia
Lovisa
Stonedheads
Garrard

GROUP SEVEN:
Giant Zucchini
Squornshelous
Eauz
Creedence Clearwater
Mattigool
Valient
AlanShearer
Rinkeby

GROUP EIGHT:
Europa Brittania
Total n Utter Insanity
Cockbill Street
Newcuba
Lubistan
Telewest
OPArsenal
Gormith

GROUP NINE:
New Montreal States
Kingsford
Dennisov
Big Butts
Gormith
Nadeer
Flacktania
Dance 2 Revolution

GROUP TEN:
Rejistania
Bedistan
Kerla
Sliponia
Avenging Altos
Erratic Blobs
Santwa
Talyllyn

GROUP ELEVEN:
Oglethorpia
Spaam
The Weegies
Brazillico
Jeruselem
The Eagles Nest
BSE Free Bovines
Holy India

GROUP TWELVE:
One Red Dot
Commerce Heights
Gesamtkuntswerk
Praying2God
Grand Master Mark
Costa Lot
The Master Cooper
Patinhas

I beg your forgiveness for my silly double post. :oops:

Please forgive my triple post! :oops: :oops:

Marie Law (MeL): Hello everybody! I'm Marie Law (OOC-Bill Carter's former intern, and now television reporter), coming to you live from the World Cup XII draw. I'm here with Warriors Head Coach Martin Luther. Coach, what do you think of your draw for World Cup XII?

Martin Luther (MnL): It's already apparent that our previous experience is helping us out in this Cup, as we drew a much more favorable group for this Cup. We should do fairly well.

MeL: Would you say that you have a good chance at qualifying?

MnL: I wouldn't go that far, but we should be competitive. After all, we're only in our second Cup, so we still need to keep our expectations realistic.

MeL: Who are you the most concerned about in your group?

MnL: Obviously, One Red Dot, Commerce Heights, and Gesamtkuntswerk are going to be tough to beat, but we can't overlook the other teams in our group. Anybody can beat anybody else on any given day, after all.

MeL: Care to make any predictions as to how we can expect your team to do?

MnL: No, because our group is too unpredictable to speculate what sort of results we're going to get. We should have a pretty good idea of how we're going to do midway through qualifying.

MeL: Thank you for your time coach. Now we'll go back to Jennifer Johnson in the studio.

Jennifer Johnson (JJ): (OOC-yep, she's back!) Thank you Marie for that excellent report. Well folks, there you have it. We now know who the Warriors will play in qualifying for World Cup XII. In case you just turned in, here's the schedule.

at Gesamtkuntswerk
vs. The Master Cooper
at One Red Dot
at Patinhas
vs. Commerce Heights
vs. Costa Lot
at Grand Master Mark
vs. Gesamtkuntswerk
at The Master Cooper
vs. One Red Dot
vs. Painhas
at Commerce Heights
at Costa Lot
vs. Grand Master Mark

JJ: I think you'll all agree with me that this schedule looks a lot easier than the draw the Warriors had for World Cup XI, but remember folks, that looks can be deceiving. That's all for now folks. We'll be here again tomorrow night.


OOC-My RPs probably won't be as good this month because I have a busy schedule during the month of February. I'll still try to RP all my matches though

TBF drawn with Liverpool Englnad

The Belmore Family are going to be happy tonight after drawing both Liverpool England and Antaeus Rising. Manager Alan Belmore Said:
"Liverpool England willl be a tough game we've played them 3 times but only won once but hopefully the tables can be turned. They do not have a team as strong as before."
Prime Minister Alan Belmore said:
"I'm plaeased for the side, I should think we will be able to qualify for the cup with this group."

So our group is:
Lovisa
Alex The Tall
Garrard
Zeronia
Liverpool England
Stonedheads
The Belmore Family
Antaeus Rising


With our fixtures:
[code:1:35302e8ea5]
Day 1: Antaeus Rising HOME
Day 2: Zeronia AWAY
Day 3: Garrard HOME
Day 4: Stonedheads AWAY
Day 5: Liverpool England HOME
Day 6: Lovisa HOME
Day 7: Alex The Tall AWAY
Day 8: Antaeus Rising AWAY
Day 9: Zeronia HOME
Day 10: Garrard AWAY
Day 11: Stonedheads HOME
Day 12: Liverpool England AWAY
Day 13: Lovisa AWAY
Day 14: Alex The Tall HOME[/code:1:35302e8ea5]

Praying2God: good pre-Cup RP, but the fixture list will change because I haven't generated the 'magic numbers' yet. These will appear here.

Praying2God: good pre-Cup RP, but the fixture list will change because it is linked to the 'magic numbers'. These are:

GROUP ONE: 27563814
GROUP TWO: 72368541
GROUP THREE: 76841253
GROUP FOUR: 87654132
GROUP FIVE: 54678231
GROUP SIX: 64852713
GROUP SEVEN: 84651237
GROUP EIGHT: 31785246
GROUP NINE: 65871432
GROUP TEN: 75412638
GROUP ELEVEN: 57462183
GROUP TWELVE: 57468321

But to make things easier, I'll give the teams in the order that they should now be to make the original fixture list work:

GROUP ONE:
The Lowland Clans
Indigo Islands
Wella
Magnus Valerius
Nikea
Rachakidia
Aquilla
Vozvyshennost

GROUP TWO:
Candombe
Oddslavo
NASTIC 2
Fenisia
New Riel
Belmorian Scandinavia
Oilermania
Ravenspire

GROUP THREE:
Sacco and Vanzetti
Hash n Beans
Stalag 5
Defari
Warnocks Wizards
Snub Nose 38
Northern Wastestan
Timway

GROUP FOUR:
James A Hollar
Abysmalista
Gaddland
Eaglet
EL CID THE HERO
Audioslavia
East Spaam
Iansisle

GROUP FIVE:
NEWI Cefn Druids
SterlingIce
The Redavic Union
True Yorkshire
Dokett
Tanah Burung
Svecia
Halfassedstates

GROUP SIX:
Zeronia
Alex The Tall
Garrard
Zeronia
Liverpool England
Stonedheads
The Belmore Family
Antaeus Rising

GROUP SEVEN:
Rinkeby
Creedence Clearwater
Valient
Mattigool
Squornshelous
AlanShearer
Giant Zucchini
Eauz

GROUP EIGHT:
Cockbill Street
Europa Brittania
OPArsenal
Gormith
Lubistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Newcuba
Telewest

GROUP NINE:
Nadeer
Gormith
Dance 2 Revolution
Flacktania
New Montreal States
Big Butts
Dennisov
Kingsford

GROUP TEN:
Santwa
Avenging Altos
Sliponia
Rejistania
Bedistan
Erratic Blobs
Kerla
Talyllyn

GROUP ELEVEN:
Jeruselem
BSE Free Bovines
Brazillico
The Eagles Nest
Spaam
Oglethorpia
Holy India
The Weegies

GROUP TWELVE:
Grand Master Mark
The Master Cooper
Praying2God
Costa Lot
Patinhas
Gesamtkuntswerk
Commerce Heights
One Red Dot

Read your fixture lists from here, not any previous posts.

World Cup 12 qualifiers tentatively starts on February 12, subject to whether I'm OOCly ready after the Baptism of Fire tournament and whether Santwa have their concrete roof ready for the match against Avenging Altos. (actually, just the first one.)

Jennifer Johnson: Sorry to break into programing, but we have a correction to make on a story we reported earlier because we were given wrong information and neglected to verify it. :oops: Here is the corrected Warriors schedule for World Cup XII qualifying.

vs. Costa Lot
vs. Grand Master Mark
at Commerce Heights
at The Master Cooper
vs. One Red Dot
vs. Patinhas
at Gesamtkuntswerk
at Costa Lot
at Grand Master Mark
vs. Commerce Heights
vs. The Master Cooper
at One Red Dot
at Patinhas
vs. Gesamtkuntswerk


OOC-at least I hope it's right now

DUBBEL PSTO 8)

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

World Cup 12 groups drawn
Association of Football excitedly releases schedule.

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- With the release of World Cup 12 group draws, Association of Football Director George McDouglas has set the department in motion to release an official schedule for the Wonderteam throughout qualifying -- prior to the OAF Director dropping faint after a heart attack from the sheer excitement that World Cup 12 is beginning. McDouglas is reported to be in stable condition. But enough about him.

Group 11 looks like this:

[code:1:05d226e66a]
World Cup 12 Qualifying
Group 11

Jeruselem
BSE Free Bovines
Brazillico
The Eagles Nest
Spaam
Oglethorpia
Holy India
The Weegies

[/code:1:05d226e66a]

The Oglethorpian Wonderteam World Cup 12 qualfiying schedule is as follows:

[code:1:05d226e66a]
World Cup 12 Qualifying
Oglethorpian Wonderteam Schedule

Oglethorpia @ Spaam
Oglethorpia @ The Weegies
Oglethorpia vs. BSE Free Bovines
Oglethorpia vs. Holy India
Oglethorpia @ Jeruselem
Oglethorpia @ The Eagle's Nest
Oglethorpia vs. Brazillico

Oglethorpia vs. Spaam
Oglethorpia vs. The Weegies
Oglethorpia @ BSE Free Bovines
Oglethorpia @ Holy India
Oglethorpia vs. Jeruselem
Oglethorpia vs. The Eagle's Nest
Oglethorpia @ Brazillico

[/code:1:05d226e66a]

For many Wonderteam fans, group 11 is touted as one of the most exciting groups of World Cup 12. Others believe it to be a cakewalk with Oglethorpia being the top seed. Still others believe that group 11 is a hotbed of current world affairs controversy and racial issues still relevant to modern Oglethorpia.

"Seriously," says one Wonderteam fan outside a eastern Megalopolis City diner. "BSE Free Bovines? We just had a mad evisceratomato scare not just four years ago, and people are still scared of those things -- despite the best efforts of Oglethorpian celebrities to promote them."

When asked about the Eagle's Nest, the Wonderteam fan responded fiercly.

"Hello? The Third Reich? Hitler's Austrian home? Sure, Oglethorpia wasn't directly involved in WWII, but it's the connection that's going to make people go whacko over that little connection."

Addressing the issue of playing a nation called "Jeruselem," Association of Football officials in conjunction with Oglethoripian Widespread Nationwide Police outlined a plan that would bar Israeli fans of Jeruselem from sitting within a close proximity to fans rooting against Jeruselem -- Palestinians of course. Widespread Nationwide Police Director Jerimiah Green said that "no one would get in even with a jacket on."

Whatever you think of group 11, it should prove to be interesting for Oglethorpia.

Handy links below.

World Cup 12 Rosters Pg. 1 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=121829&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0)
World Cup 12 Rosters Pg. 2 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=121829&start=20)

---

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Double post deleting hazardous to your health
'Deleting double posts is a major health detriment,' says leading Oglethorpian physician

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- A report published by Megalopolis City MD Jim Brown last week has sent shockwaves through the Bureaucratic States' medical field -- citing that the deleting of double posts is a major health hazard and poses a threat to all Oglethorpians as a significant health detriment. Already sides have been chosen, those skeptical of the findings and those calling praise to Doctor Brown for his findings in the field of the effects of double-post deleting.

Doctor Brown took a sample of 30 Oglethorpians off the streets of Megalopolis City, who averaged double and triple posts roughly 1/4 times they posted -- the mean amount of double & triple posts effectively being 25%. Of the 25% posted, a little less than half admitted to deleting them -- that's about 12% of posts deleted for those of you keeping track.

What Doctor Brown recorded in these 'double-post deleters' was a strange malady that caused long fits of coughing, minor bronchitis and in severe cases, a mental condition consisting of tourettes-like shouts of "god damn forums" and "work, damn you."

"Ze best vay to afoid dese zymptoms iz to avoid deleting your double postz. It iz a fery debilitating illness, ya. Fery bad mental condition. You don't vant dat, do you? Da?" said Doctor Brown concerning the posibility of contracting the condition that the good Doctor dubbed as "Double-Post Disease," or DPD.

While the illness is quite unpleasant, Doctor Brown cited no long term effects and that one could get well in a matter of weeks with the proper steps taken.

"It is all fery zimple," said Doctor Brown. "Just don't delete your double postz, and you should be vine, da. Even if you hafe ze dizease, just avoid deleting your double posts and it will go avay in a matter of dayz."

Straight from the doctor's mouth -- don't delete your double posts and you won't contract Double-Post Disease.

---

OOC:

In short...

Don't delete your double posts!

It just messes up the pages real bad and makes things harder on the rest of us.

Phantom pages are t3h sux.

Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Villagers of Graddesbire, The Shiremen of Crimpton County, The Citizens of Kingsford

It shall be hereby known that one Henry Tuck is a wanted man, for conspiracy of public nudity during one of 7 home qualifying matches for World Cup 12. We do not know his whereabouts, and would appreciate the detainment of this man. Public Nudity is a crime, and it is not in good taste to interrupt a fine sporting event. If you know the whereabouts of this man, keep the latter two things in mind, and please help us in our search for him.

– The Sheriff of Crimpton County

The Brazillico Advance

Group 11 – The Evisceratomato Connection

Brazillico has been drawn into group 11, which features a variety of nations which had a hand in the mad evisceratomato crisis of four years ago.

Oglethorpia were pivotal in escalating the ESE crisis to the euphoric levels it reached. After a series of public service ads encouraging eating healthy evisceratomatoes failed miserably, causing the Oglethorpian population to grow even more fearful of the red fruit. This culminated in Mike Stumbles’ death, as he ate a spray-painted evisceratomato and died a horrific death live on television.

Spaam had a huge role in the mad evisceratomato crisis, as the original string of bad fruit were traced back to East Spaam. This resulted in a significant drop in exports in the agricultural domain for Spaam and to this day, consumer confidence for products hailing from United Spaam remains tattered.

Brazillico took the least cavalier approach of all nations, banning the use, harvesting and consumption of all evisceratomatoes and evisceratomato by-products in light of the mad evisceratomato crisis. After the bulk of Brazillico’s evisceratomato farms were destroyed by clergymen and angry mobs, the government had no choice but to criminalize evisceratomatoes, passing excessively harsh laws making ESEs more illegal than Cocaine.

BSE Free Bovines are indeed free of BSE, but unless they are likewise free of ESE, they can expect to be rounded up and shot at the airport if they touch Brazillican soil. If BSE’s players, or any other players, enter Brazillico with possession of evisceratomatoes, they can expect to be jailed for an indefinite period of time until due trial, where they can get up to 18 years for possession, and life for possession and intent to sell if they are found guilty.

----------------------------------------------------------

Group 11 - The Group of Death?

In a qualifying run with some of the most well-balanced qualification groups in recent memory, several experts have still felt the urge to try to pigeon-hole a group with the dubious distinction of being the "Group of Death". And as luck should have it, Brazillico has fallen straight into it.

Although the Oglethorpian Wonderteam is the clear class of the field, several other teams standout. "Spaam, Jeruselem and The Weegies are also [good]," chimed in a Rejistanian reporter after chewing into the Advance for mispelling the name of ex-Rejistanian international midfielder, Sil Hilat in a previous article.

"Probably 11 the hardest," said a NEWI Cefn Druids reporter after the draw, "I'm sorry for you [...] and everyone else in the group".

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

New cup, new team, new venues
After the sensational run in world cup 11, which lead the Orange-Blues to the quarterfinal in Warnocks Wizardsa new cup starts with several surprises: The team was nearly entirely changed, big names like Exke Sines or Sil Hilat disappeared from the roster and young players take their place. Perhaps the strangest decision was to give SyLy only a spot as substitute. Coach Hexen Imdila comments this: "SyLy always was a good player but he showed a declining performance. Jen [Y] perhaps is the better player." Another novelty comes from the RejisFA: since fans were against the concentration of all home matches in two stadia in KaMaRi kali, the RejisFA released a schedule which gives fans in any part of Rejistania the chance to see the Orange-Blues.

The schedule for the Orange-Blues:
Sliponia vs Rejistania (@ Sliponia)
Rejistania vs Kerla (@Hetkali Hetlasane Stadium, Hetkali)
Santwa vs Rejistania (@Santwa)
Talyllyn vs Rejistania (@Talyllyn)
Rejistania vs Avening Altos (@Hajeri Jista Stadium, Kalisimu)
Rejistania vs Erratic Blobs (@Inkatil Stadium, Najajara kali)
Bedistan vs Rejistania (@James Parker Nat'l Stad., Midway, Bedistan)

Rejistania vs Sliponia (@Sike kaletri stadium, Sike kali)
Kerla vs Rejistania (@Kerla)
Rejistania vs Santwa (@Relekhati Stadium, Na~ovi kali)
Rejistania vs Talyllyn (@Matix Veran sadium, Matix kali)
Avening Altos vs Rejistania (@Avening Altos)
Erratic Blobs vs Rejistania (@Erratic Blobs)
Rejistania vs Bedistan (@Sen-La-Sa~o Promotion Stadium, KaMaRi kali)

More information about the opponents:
Sliponia: Defeated us in several competitions (handball and field hockey), no information about their soccer team available.

Kerla: The surprise team in the last cup. They only qualified because a civil war in several other nations kept them from participating and still performed well.

Santwa, Talyllyn and Erratic Blobs: Are unknown teams.

Avening Altos: They are only know because their vocal qualities. They played without gaining much points in the last qualification.

Bedistan: Even if this team missed the qualification for the last world cup, they are still the main opponents for the Rejistanians in the run for qualification.

Part 1 – Prelude to Success (Yeah… Sure…)

Carl Shetfield, team captain of the World Cup 12 Kingsford National, had a lot to make up for. The World Cup 10 and 11 team was the best in the nation’s history, however due to the inhumane actions taken by the Insanican police, they were all dead, and he had the job of filling their shoes.

“Shets!” Carl heard the familiar voice of midfielder Brian Morstedd call out his nickname. “Shets, the groupings have been released.”

“Geez, Brian, can’t you wait for just 5 seconds in your entire life?”

“Heck no, Shets, you know as well as I do that I have ADD… bad. Real bad. Like, one time, I was-- Hey, why you suited up?”

“We have a press conference in 20 minutes. Now show me the group.”

“Can’t, Shets.”

“Well what the devil did you tell me about it then!?”

“I don’t have it, Shets. Warlur’s got it.”

“Lord.”

“Yeah, he won’t give it up, either. It’s getting pretty ugly.”

“How’d Homes get a hold of it anyways?”

“He says he gave birth to it.”

“Birth?”

“Yeah, birth. Got the Spaniards all believing him too.”

“Oh my goodness. We need to get down there.”

“Lead the way, Shets!”

Shets ran down from the dressing room to the club assembly hall, to find that all of the other 18 players had surrounded Holmes DeWarlur, who was standing on a chair, holding a piece of paper high above his head.

“No, don’t take my baby! Please, don’t take my baby!”

“EVERYONE SHUT UP!” Yelled Carl.

“Hey, Shets.” Chimed in fellow forward Tom Place.

“Hey, Tom.” He turned to the rest of the team, and then to DeWarlur. “Homes, what’s going on?”

“THEY WANT MY BABY!”

“You’ve never even had a girlfriend, Holmes. How can you have a baby.”

“Hey! I’ve had tons of girlfriends.”

“I’m sorry Holmes, I forgot.”

“That poor barnyard animal.” Muttered Defender Sonny Nordic. The rest laughed, and Carl glared at them, prompting silence.

“Anyways, Holmes, you still couldn’t give birth to a child. It’s not possible. And that’s just a piece of paper.”

“So?”

“So? So!?” Shetfield was becoming frustrated. “Listen Holmes, can I.. uh… hold your… baby?”

“Why certainly!”

He passed the list over to Shetfield, who irritably snatched it from him, which was followed by cheers, and gasps of shock by the Spaniards.

“Oh relax, it’s not really his baby” Said Morstedd.

“Alright… let’s see… here it is. Group 9. Nadeer, Gormith, Dance 2 Revolution, Flacktania, New Montreal States, Big Butts, Dennisov, and Kingsford.”

“How come we’re last?” said Tom Place.

“Because we’re the best, moron!” Said forward Mike Wallace.

“Alright, Alright.” Carl said. “Listen, we’ve got a bunch of noobs to deal with, but we’ve been upset before.”

“No we haven’t” Said Holmes.

“Yes we have.”

“Not us.”

“Well a previous team.”

“No they haven’t.”

“WILL YOU--“ He caught himself. “Ok, I’m sorry Holmes, you’re right. But we still have to be careful. Anyways, be forewarned, That Graddesbire streaker, Henry Tuck, has conspired to Public Nudity and at least one of our matches, we don’t know which one, so be on the lookout, and if you see him, beat him down. I want him to feel naked pain.”

“Hey,” said Sonny Nordic, “isn’t Carson from Graddesbire?”

“No!” Said Midfielder Carson Grant, hastily in defense. “I’m from Habcapsbury, nearly 5 miles away!”

“Whatever, you probably streaked with him before! Ahahaha!” Jaunted Morstedd.

“Shut up you stupidhead!”

“Guys! Let’s stop fighting! I want to be a happy camper, and my doctor won’t give me more medication!” Whined Holmes.

“WARL’S A STREAKER! WARL’S A STREAKER!” Started Brian Morstedd, and soon the rest of the team, save Carl Shetfield, joined in.

“What? No I’m not! AAH!”

“WARL’S A STREAKER!”

“Guys? Guys!? What’s going on Carl? What’s going on? Help me! HELP ME!!!!”

“That’s it, I give up. Good luck Holmes.” Shetfield walked out of the room.

“Wait, don’t go! No! Wait! I grew up in Audioslavia, I’m not good with confrontations! I’m a quiet and gentle Pisces! No! I’m not a streaker! No!”

To Be Continued…

*We walk throug hthe doors of The Master Cooper, to find Mike the Barman talking to a few of the regulars...*

Mike: "You know they made the draw earlier?"

Regular 1: "Yeah?"

Mike: "Well I missed it. Did you see where we have to go?"

Regular 2: "Yeah, I got the list here, actually..."

Mike: "OK then, hit me..."

*On hearing this, Michelle the barmaid slaps Mike*

Mike: "She'll never learn... Anyway..."

Regular 1: "Anyway... we get to go to One Red Dot, Commerce Heights..."

Regular 2: "Might have to bring the wife with us there..."

Regular 1: "Why?"

Regular 2: "Well, does 'Commerce' not suggest 'shopping'?"

Mike: "Not really, Chris."

Chris: "Oh. You were saying, Rich..."

Rich: "...Gesamtkuntswerk, Patinhas, Costa Lot..."

Mike: "Oh no, not Costa Lot!"

Chris: "What do you mean?"

Mike: "Well that's where we went with the kids last summer. It didn't half cost a lot, absolute dump, it was."

Rich: "No, Mike, you should've gone to Sambonia."

Mike: "Where's that?"

Rich: "It's near NEWI Cefn Druids. They've got the best weather in the whole world there."

Mike: "Have they?"

Rich: "It's beauty there. Quite cheap, too, if you go with Pete's Planes."

Chris: "Pete's Planes? Who are they?"

Rich: "They're an airline from NEWI. Do cheap flights across their region."

Mike: "Are they any good?"

Regular 3: "No, they're crap. You have to change 12 times to get to the end of the road or sum'tin."

Rich: "Yer always moaning you, Roy. No, they do a good servise for what you pay."

Mike: "How much was it?"

Rich: "Half a pint."

Mike: "Can't be bad... Anyway, were there any others?"

Rich: "Praying2God"

Mike: "Didn't their football team get massacred?"

Roy: "I'm not going there!"

Rich: "Where's yer sense of adventure?"

Roy: "Where's your sense?"

Rich: "Jesus... um, and Grand Master Mark."

Chris: "Like Grand Master Flash."

Rich: "Only they need White Lines to mark the pitch out with."

Mike: "Are we off then?"

Rich: "We have to agree who'll be going first."

Mike: "Who's organising it?"

Roy: "You mean you don't know? What kind of a landlord is that?"

Mike: "I wouldn't ask if I knew, would I?"

Roy: "I'm organising it!"

Rich: "Great(!) So it was your idea that we're going to play football as an excuse for a few holidays?"

Roy: "Your never happy with anything I do, are you?"

Rich: "No, I'm not! And I'll tell you why..."

*At this point we drink up and decide to leave. In that order. Well what do you expect? Piewatch starts in ten minutes...*

EDIT: And next time we might do it as the right nation...

Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network
Evisceratomatoes are good!

TORRENCE BLACK:

Hey folks -- some of you may know me as that Wonderteam striker who scored all those goals way back in World Cup 10!

But i've done much more than that in all my years living in Oglethorpia. I'm one of the largest financial backers of Consolidated Foods -- the company responsible for canning your healthy and nutritious evisceratomatoes!

We all remember the scourge of ESE -- that foul vomit spewed from the depths of Spaam. East Spaam, to be exact.

Now that we've done everything short of making a crater of East Spaam, you can be assured the evisceratomatoes you're going to put on your dinner table or else are 100% healthy and nutritious, and grown right here in Oglethorpia by illegal immigrants from Kingsford!

So remember:

[Cartoony embodiment of a sentient evisceratomato comes onto the screen.]

Don't be late
They're really great

Evisceratomatoes demand to be ate

BLACK:

Available at your local Consolidated FoodMart!

The following three documents were released by the Sheriff of Crimpton County not more than an hour prior to this time. They have been compiled here by the Stokesay Chronicle, and have been given the title of "The Streaker Conspiracy." Please note the original Decree of Request from the sheriff, which will afterword the compilation.



A letter intercepted by the Sheriff of Crimpton County, aided by the Crimpton County Postmaster:

From:
Henry Tuck
10-121-34 Fowry Rd.
Graddesbire, CR, KN

To:
Opis Earl
Ticket Registrar of Stadia Kingsford
1-0-1 Stadium Ln.
Arms of Nobles, UP, KN

Opis--

These clowns have me a wanted man. I'll need as much assistance as I can get from you. I'm looking at the NMS, Big Butts, and Dennisov games. Apologies for the brevity.

-HT






Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Ticket Registrar of Stadia Kingsford, in Uppurmaen County

Whereas the notorious Henry Tuck has tried to contact a member of you, we wish to detain the man who he has called by the alias (which shares its namesake with the popular comic character) Opis Earl at this time. If he shall confess, and enlighten us as to the whereabouts of one Henry Tuck, he would most likely receive a full pardon, given the jurisdiction of the Justice residing.

- The Sheriff of Crimpton County







List of Wanted Men
As compiled by the Sheriff of Crimpton County

Henry Tuck - For Conspiracy of Public Nudity
(The Alleged) Opis Earl - For Suspicion of Aid to Conspiracy of Public Nudity


=====
=====

Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Villagers of Graddesbire, The Shiremen of Crimpton County, The Citizens of Kingsford

It shall be hereby known that one Henry Tuck is a wanted man, for conspiracy of public nudity during one of 7 home qualifying matches for World Cup 12. We do not know his whereabouts, and would appreciate the detainment of this man. Public Nudity is a crime, and it is not in good taste to interrupt a fine sporting event. If you know the whereabouts of this man, keep the latter two things in mind, and please help us in our search for him.

– The Sheriff of Crimpton County

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Home venue changed
Association of Football changes Oglethorpian home venue

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- In a continued effort to show solidarity in evisceratomatoes by the Oglethorpian government, the usual home venue of Amalgamated Stadium in Sheffingham (seating 118,000) of the Oglethorpian Wonderteam for home qualifying matches has been switched to Consolidated Stadium in Megalopolis City. If you recall, Consolidated Foods is the primary evisceratomato distributor of Oglethorpia and neighboring countries -- the stadium itself is covered in posters intended to promote the purchase and eating of evisceratomatoes.

"We've gone all out," said CEO Harry Gray. "There isn't a meat product in the stadium to be bought -- it's all evisceratomato. If it seems like meat, it's probably an evisceratomato imitation."

Consolidated Foods CEO Harry Gray reaffirmed citizens it's all good fruit -- "it's not of that shit from East Spaam. It was all grown right here in the Bureaucratic States."

Consolidated Stadium in Megalopolis City seats slightly less people -- 98,000 -- but the evisceratomato industry in Oglethorpia needs a good kick to the rear to get it going again, even though the scare is four years gone.

The Daily Druid

WELSH "HAPPY WITH DRAW"
Trevor Parkinson in Kaza for the World Cup Draw

NEWI Cefn Druids football team's new manager, Tim Welsh, has expressed his feelings about the draw for the World Cup. "We might be able to do OK here... I'd say I'm reasonably happy with it." he told us immediately after the draw had taken place.

The worst news for the Druids is another two games against Tanah Burung, who beat the Druids twice in qualifying last time around. But despite no wins prior to theis world cup, Welsh felt there was room for optimism.

"There is nothing for us to fear. Nobody expects us to do much from us, and that could play to our advantage. Looking at our group, who should we be scared of? We have three new teams, so we have the experience to beat them. SterlingIce and Svecia are fading, while we wouldn't expect anything from games against Halfassedstates and Tanah Burung, so we might as well just say, 'what the hell, let's just go for it!'"

However, Cefnbet are not so confident about Druid qualification. They do, however, have the Druids as fourth favourites to win the group. Their odds, along with a reminder of the group, are:

GROUP FIVE:
Halfassedstates (4/1)
Tanah Burung (11/2)
Svecia (12/1)
SterlingIce (20/1)
NEWI Cefn Druids (16/1)
The Redavic Union (50/1)
True Yorkshire (150/1)
Dokett (125/1)

On behalf of the Anti-Recruitment Brigade of NEWI Cefn Druids, The Daily Druid would like to wish all nations participating in World Cup 12 the best of luck.

yarg! My first double post of WC12!!

The Following is an official release by the Sheriff of Crimpton County to the Stokesay Chronicle, regarding the “Streaker Conspiracy.”

Decree of Decreased Ignorance

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Shiremen of Crimpton County

One Henry Tuck, of the village of Graddesbire, has earned another such charge to his name. As a required return address to one alleged Opis Earl, he enscribed 10-121-34 Fowry Rd. However only one Fowry Rd. exists in the entire Holy Republic, up in Wales County, in the city of Aberwyvern. Furthermore, along that Fowry Road, there is no such address as 10-121-34. Thus is such that Henry Tuck, in addition to his charge for conspiracy of Public Nudity, now bears the charge of Distrust to the Postmaster.

Part 2 – The Streaker & The Press Conference

Sonny Nordic held a copy of the Stokesay Chronicle in his hands. The team was about to go for a press conference, when Nordic shouted with delight. “Guys! They’re talking about the streaker!”

“What is it?” Asked Morstedd.

“Well, he wrote a letter to one Opis Earl, at the Stadia Kingsford Ticket Registrar.”

“Opis Earl? Like, the Comic Opis Earl?”

“Exactly! He’s got the Sheriff so in a twist that he can’t make heads or tails of it. He’s asking for Opis to confess, and has him as a wanted man.”

“That’s great!” Said Holmes DeWarlur.

The room became silent, as everyone looked at him with a glare that seemed to read ‘Shut up, you moron.’ Before they became once more interested in Nordic’s narrative about the streaker.

“Anyways, today, he issued another Decree saying that he’s now guilty of Distrust to the Postmaster, because he forged an address.”

Shetfield walked into the room. “What are you clowns doing?”

“Hey Shets.” Said Tom Place. “We’re reading about the Streaker of Graddesbire.”

“That fool? If he runs onto the field, pound him good.”

“Why?”

“Because he’s a fool, ya git! Now get a going, we’ve got a press conference to attend to.”

The team stepped out to a myriad of reporters. Captian Carl Shetfield took the centermost microphone, with assistants Brian Morstedd and Tom Place to either side of him, and stars/notable personalities Sonny Nordic, Carson Grant, Holmes DeWarlur, and Pacé Araño filling the remaining four. The rest of the team stood to their rear.

“Welcome,” said Shetfield, “to the first press conference. We’ll take 10 questions because we don’t want to type out more.”

The audience looked at him with confusion. Moments passed.

“Well? Get asking!” Jeered Shetfield.

“Right.. Uh.. this is for Pacé.”

“Si?”

“You have big shoes to fill, of Mark Talisman. How do you think you will do?”

“Señor, I feel as if my job is to keep the football out of the net, no?”

“Would you answer my--“

“YOU better think before you ask that, it counts as a question, and you don’t want to shave what you have, 9 questions as of current, down to 8 would you?” Shetfield interrupted.

“No… sorry.”

“That’s good. Next question.”

“Mr. Shetfield!”

“I’m listening.”

“What is your situation on the streaker?”

“I’M NOT A STREAKER!” moaned DeWarlur. The same akward silence filled the room as did when Shetfield said he’d only allow 10 questions.

“Ahem. I am appalled at your disrespect. To bring such a crude subject at a press conference. You know what? This conference is over. Come on guys.”

Shetfield got up and left, the rest, looking bewildered, soon followed, save for Holmes DeWarlur.

“You can ask me questions guys!”

The media just looked around at eachother, before quickly getting up and exiting, leaving Holmes in a room all by himself.

“Aww man.”

To be continued…

Draw to Group Eleven Seen as Bad Omen

The schedule for The Strike Birds has been released:

@ Brazillico
vs. Holy India
@ Jeruselem
@ The Weegies
vs. BSE Free Bovines
vs. Oglethorpia
@ Spaam

vs. Brazillico
@ Holy India
vs. Jeruselem
vs. The Weegies
@ BSE Free Bovines
@ Oglethorpia
vs. Spaam

Coach Aefnen was asked recently about the draw of the "Group of Death" that they got on their premier entry into World Cup Play:

"*sigh* It's tough you know. I mean, we were hoping for a good draw, maybe allow us to win a few games, possibly surprise a lot of people. But *shakes head* wow, we will do our best however to play our style of ball, and see what we can do. If we can place 4th it will be a miracle."

In other news, The Minister of Information Sent out a press release denouncing the article sent out by Oglethorpia as propoganda:

The Free Republic of the Eagle's Nest has no connection whatsoever with Hitler. In fact, the hsitory of the name comes from the settlers who came to this land. That the valley surrounded by the large hills felt to them like a large Eagle's Nest. The name stuck, especially after it was found that many Eagles were found in the area. We hope that the government of Oglethorpia will try to better educate their fans about the countries they play, and the history behind the names.


Finally, It has been announced that all home games will be played in Silver Flame Stadium, an 96,245 seat open air stadium that is traditionally used for their national games and national track meet. The track will be temporarily removed and a new pitch will be installed. The contracters promise that it will be done before the first match.

OOC: Bah, with the pot draws there are no groups of death. [Get use to the complaining, now the shoe is on the other foot ;)]

IC: Damn hippies!

OOC: KP, you mistyped the name of this country in the group lists.

IC:
A letter reaches the FAs of the countries James A Hollar, Gaddland, Eaglet, EL CID THE HERO, Audioslavia, East Spaam and Iansisle. It is a letter from the AbysmalFA.

Honored Sir,

As you maybe have seen, your journey to qualification also leeds you to Abysmalistan. Well, this had to happen to some national teams. Our home-game will take place at 'The Swamp' in Abysmal City, our capital city. The pitch may seem like the worst pitch you have ever seen, since the constant rain and the ravaging hyperinflation make it impossible to keep it in a not-that-bad state, but it really is the best pitch in whole Abysmalistan. We understand that you perhaps want to forfeit the match under this circumstances but we really hope that you won't since the whole country is looking forward to see the match. Simply send a bunch of youths of subs to get your 3 points. Your team won't have any problem to do so since Abysmali statician have declared that it is impossible for us to win or even to draw a match in the next 50 years. To avoid mass suicides of our team, we really urge your team to stop scoring when leading with more than 20 goals.

Yours sincerely
Il, chief of the AbysmalFA

OOC: KP, you mistyped the name of this country in the group lists.

IC:
A letter reaches the FAs of the countries James A Hollar, Gaddland, Eaglet, EL CID THE HERO, Audioslavia, East Spaam and Iansisle. It is a letter from the AbysmalFA.

Honored Sir,

As you maybe have seen, your journey to qualification also leeds you to Abysmalistan. Well, this had to happen to some national teams. Our home-game will take place at 'The Swamp' in Abysmal City, our capital city. The pitch may seem like the worst pitch you have ever seen, since the constant rain and the ravaging hyperinflation make it impossible to keep it in a not-that-bad state, but it really is the best pitch in whole Abysmalistan. We understand that you perhaps want to forfeit the match under this circumstances but we really hope that you won't since the whole country is looking forward to see the match. Simply send a bunch of youths of subs to get your 3 points. Your team won't have any problem to do so since Abysmali statician have declared that it is impossible for us to win or even to draw a match in the next 50 years. To avoid mass suicides of our team, we really urge your team to stop scoring when leading with more than 20 goals.

Yours sincerely
Il, chief of the AbysmalFA

\o/ TnUI killed most of our youth team, so we'll send over the Soundgardia School U11s team to give you a game :)

Praying2God: good pre-Cup RP, but the fixture list will change because it is linked to the 'magic numbers'. These are:

GROUP SIX: 64852713


GROUP SIX:
Zeronia
Alex The Tall
Garrard
Zeronia
Liverpool England
Stonedheads
The Belmore Family
Antaeus Rising


A little mistake here is.
A double Zeronia, but Lovisa start in this group too. Probably first name Zeronia is a Lovisa? right :?:

OOC: Bah, with the pot draws there are no groups of death.

Now that I'm in charge, Death will be for me to hand out, on an arbitrary basis.

Muhahahaha.

Heh.

Lovisa: Oops, precisely the kind of mistake that played havoc with the draw. Yeah, that other Zeronia is Lovisa.

Lemmy: LOL, it's actually Margaret and the new-look formula. Which, seeing as you asked, is based on the KPB rank values and is as follows:

[i]RAND*675`-580-12(square root of opponent rank score-square root of your rank score)

The rank score will increase through RP - +1 per RP assuming it's reasonable quality. I may modify this for particularly good or bad RP.

Double Post.

Heh, what is it now, like 7 RPs I'm up to? This bonus better pay off for me. or Lemming Blood will spill.

From the “Streaker Conspiracy” Section of the Stokesay Chronicle

A letter intercepted by the Sheriff of Crimpton County, aided by the Crimpton County Postmaster:

From:
Henry Tuck
9-80-91 Lablen Rd.
Graddesbire, CR, KN

To:
Mark Edward
Uppurmaen County Security Co.
12-77-4 Nolton Ln.
Arms of Nobles, UP, KN

Mark--

I’m prepared to go for the Big Butts, New Montreal States, and Dennisov games. All I need now is your help. Apologies for the brevity.

-HT






Decree of Decreased Ignorance

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Shiremen of Crimpton County

One Henry Tuck, of the village of Graddesbire, has earned more such charge to his name. He now holds three counts of conspiracy of Public Nudity, as well as two accounts of Distrust to the Postmaster, the most recent posting his address as 9-80-91 Lablen Rd. No such road exists in Crimpton County, let alone in the small village of Graddesbire. Also wanted in this giant conspiracy is the alleged Opis Earl, for Conspiracy of Public Nudity, and more recently the alleged Mark Edward, for one account of conspiracy of Public Nudity and one account of an Acquaintance with a Known Felon while Holding a Government Funded Office. Thus places the list of wanted men as follows:

Henry Tuck:
- Conspiracy of Public Nudity (3+)
- Distrust to the Postmaster (2)
The Alleged Opis Earl:
- Conspiracy of Public Nudity (1+)
The Alleged Mark Edwards:
- Conspiracy of Public Nudity (1+)
- Acquaintance with a Known Felon while Holding a Government Funded Office (1)

Bulldogs Prepare For World Cup 12 After Unimpressive Friendly Against Bedistan
INTERNATIONAL CITY - What was expected to be one of the best matches ever to be played in the region of Paripana turned out to be rather unexciting - possibly due to the lack of extra time or penalty kicks in friendly matches. Dirk Vojtilo and Erik Oldenburg held each others' teams to 0 goals, leaving the scoreboard to be lit up only by the products of Unity Stadium's statistician. Though the game didn't go very far to support the new national motto, it did bring a fresh start to the controversy over coach Noel Hicks' job, and caused several Paripanans to criticize the rankings put together by the nations of Kaze Progressa and Lemmitania for the Cup.
(15) Commerce Heights 0
(25) Bedistan 0 - FT
After the game, the Bulldogs' schedule for World Cup 12 was released:
Day 1: vs #11 One Red Dot
Day 2: at Costa Lot
Day 3: vs #74 Praying2God
Day 4: at #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 5: vs Patinhas
Day 6: vs Grand master Mark
Day 7: at The Master Cooper
Day 8: at #11 One Red Dot
Day 9: vs Costa Lot
Day 10: at #74 Praying2God
Day 11: vs #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 12: at Patinhas
Day 13: at Grand master Mark
Day 14: vs The Master Cooper
Predicted Record: 9-3-2 qualifiers, 1-1-1 World Cup (previous: 7-6-3 qualifiers, 5-2-0 Harmony Cup)

[OOC to CH: :P]

The Bedistan Sports Digest

World Cup 12 Qualifying Draws Announced
Lewis bites tongue regarding group quality

KAZE PROGRESSA -- The Kaze Progressa and Lemmitania Football Associations have just released the qualifying draws for World Cup 12. Bedistan has been placed in Group 10:

GROUP TEN:
Santwa
Avenging Altos (90)
Sliponia (56)
Rejistania (13)
Bedistan (25)
Erratic Blobs
Kerla (36)
Talyllyn

When asked what he thought about the strength of the group, manager Johnny Lewis refused to comment. "Every time Gene Barber said what he thought about the group, it came back to bite him in the butt. I'm not saying a word."

Though Lewis may not be willing to repeat Barber's mistake, we here at the Sports Digest can be quite reckless. Thus, we submit that this qualifying group looks a good deal easier than World Cup 11's Group Six, which held FOUR top-twenty teams (the Lions, at the time, included).

BediStat, Bedistan's premier gambling and statistics service, has given us the following odds for qualification from the group:

Rejistania: 3-2
Bedistan: 5-2
Kerla: 4-1
Avenging Altos: 8-1
Sliponia: 8-1
Santwa: 75-1
Erratic Blobs: 90-1
Talyllyn: 100-1

Multiple Stadia to be Used for Qualifying
Fans across Bedistan get what they wanted; Midway residents unhappy

AMISSVILLE, LM -- The Bedistan Football Association decreed today that unlike in previous qualification campaigns, the Lions will not play all their home matches at James Parker National Stadium in Midway. The reason, claims the BFA, is the fact that some of the tournament dates clash with regularly scheduled First Division home matches for the Midway Wolves. As such, the Lions' schedule looks something like this:

Matchday 1: Bedistan v Erratic Blobs (Skytouch Stadium, High Mountain)
Matchday 2: Avenging Altos v Bedistan
Matchday 3: Bedistan v Talyllyn (Orange Stadium, San Diego)
Matchday 4: Bedistan v Santwa (Stephen Rogers Mem. Stad., Yuba)
Matchday 5: Kerla v Bedistan
Matchday 6: Sliponia v Bedistan
Matchday 7: Bedistan v Rejistania (James Parker Nat'l Stad., Midway)
Matchday 8: Erratic Blobs v Bedistan
Matchday 9: Bedistan v Avenging Altos (Frederickson Mem. Stad., Amissville)
Matchday 10: Talyllyn v Bedistan
Matchday 11: Santwa v Bedistan
Matchday 12: Bedistan v Kerla (Stadium of the South, Dennis)
Matchday 13: Bedistan v Sliponia (Holmes Stadium, Columbia)
Matchday 14: Rejistania v Bedistan (Sen-La-Sa~o Prom. Stad., KaMaRi kali, REJ)

Though the BFA claims the changes are due to schedule conflicts, some sources are speculating that they are being used as a promotion tactic to allow internationals to view the stadia that would likely be used by Bedistan in the event that the nation wins a World Cup 13 hosting bid.

We Still Don't Know
Which team is better, Commerce Heights or Bedistan? We can't tell

INTERNATIONAL CITY OF PARIPANA -- At long last, the Bedistan Lions and the Commerce Heights Bulldogs, long-time regional rivals, finally got to play each other at a friendly match today in the International City. Unity Stadium was packed to its absolute maximum capacity (75,000), with roughly equal representation from both nations. Alas, the question of which team is better still remains unanswered, as superb performances by both the Bulldogs' Dirk Vojtilo and the Lions' Erik Oldenburg kept either team from scoring.

"Well, at least we know we aren't any worse than the Bulldogs," remarked Lions captain Darren Morlock after the match. He then hastily departed before any Manhattanite press could interview him.

[code:1:18ad0c4ad4](15) Commerce Heights 0
(25) Bedistan 0[/code:1:18ad0c4ad4]

GROUP EIGHT:
Cockbill Street
Europa Brittania
OPArsenal
Gormith
Lubistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Newcuba
Telewest

So, emerging from the draw placed in with 7 other teams which are...well...completely unknown to him, Gormith team Captain Gorm II had this to say "Huh? You mean, we have to like...qualify and stuff...we don't get the free trip to the finals? Wow, that's a lot harder than I thought it was going to be...suppose we should start practicing and all that, then.

With that, he went off and organized a team meeting, kicking all of the reporters out of the team Jacuzzi.

The Press of Gormith has suddenly felt obligated to pay attention to sports, suddenly, having had it's attention shifted from the Harry Potter Censorship Row and the epidemic of Streaking at major sporting events (which, well..this will be the first one, eh?).

Speculation runs rampant that Gormith will be "Quite likely to even gain a point in qualifying, although their uniforms will be quite smashing"

Indeed, the Green piping does set off the blue and white shirt and pants (respectively) quite nicely.

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Giant inflatable evisceratomato erected
'Billy Evisceratomato' takes up post outside Consolidated Stadium

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- In a joint effort by Consolidated Industries and Amalgamated Industries, a giant inflatable evisceratomato dubbed "Billy Evisceratomato" has been shipped to Polyesterhampton and erected outside Consolidated Stadium. The 124 ft inflatable evisceratomato is complete with disco-dancing animations and a looped recording of the evisceratomato theme song of "don't be late, they're really great, evisceratomatoes demand to be ate."

"It's a triumph for both my company and Mr. Brown's," said Consolidated Industries CEO Harry Gray -- who's obviously pleased with the extensive steps taken by his company and the government to restore faith in evisceratomatoes.

"This giant inflatable dancing evisceratomato is sure to appeal to both adult and kid alike -- plus, we're handing out free evisceratomatoes at the first home match."

The Consolidated Foods Division also outlined other facets of their plan to put evisceratomatoes back in good standing with their consumers.

"Our line of star endored evisceratomato commercials will continue throughout the Cup," said Harry Gray. "We're definitely trying to appeal to the masses with this advertising campaign.

A group of Brazillican college Co-Eds have been arrested in connection with planning to vandalize and sabotage Billy Evisceratomato. The newly erected inflatable dancing evisceratomato emits pro-evisceratomato propaganda through catchy jingles. Five college students were believed to have unhatched the devious plan over a couple of brews at a residence of Corsa Pasi Polytechnical University, where they would chuck empty beer bottles at the air-filled fruit. An off-duty campus security guard heard the devious discussion and immediately contacted the local police, who in turn arrested the collegians.

The CPPU five did not stay at the local police precinct long and were free to roam the streets again within an hour. According to sources, police chief Mendoza was quoted as saying, "You f*ckin idiots! Evisceratomatoes are illegal... we should be promoting that kind of stuff!" Rumor has it that this dastardly gang of college students had also been planning to target other mascots with their childish pranks, with Horace the BSE Free Bovine, the Spaamaniac and the Holy India Tea Bag also potentially being on the agenda.

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Consolidated Foods plans to release "Soylent Orange"
"Soylent Orange" set to be launched in Brazillico

By Bill Christmas

BRAZILLICO (BT) -- In a continued effort by the Consolidated Foods Division to recoup it's losses following the ESE scare, Consolidated Industries has announced plans to synthesize an artificial evisceratomato-flavored substitute aimed at the Brazillican market following the banning of evisceratomatoes in the [Formerly] Jingoistic States.

"We've got some of our best minds working on this," said CEO Harry Gray. "Nate. E Visser hasn't returned any of our calls, though."

The Consolidated Foods Division expects the product to hit the shelves right as World Cup 12 qualifying kicks off. Already the company has launched an advert campaign for Soylent Orange:


Soylent Orange tastes just right
Don't you want to have a bite? [Or two!]

Soylent Orange will be a hit
It's going fast! You better book it



Consolidated Industries expects great things from Soylent Orange. "It's got a great PR team working on it and the product will just be fantastic. It's going to be a hit," assured Consolidated Industries CEO Harry Gray.

Soylent Oranges Predicted To Be Hit

At an undisclosed area in Brazillico, Consolidated Foods have hosted a secret taste test to see how the public will respond to Soylent Oranges. The preliminary results have Harry Gray grinning from ear to ear as the public seem to be ready for Soylent Fever.

"It's like I'm biting into an evisceratomato!" exclaimed Rosa Santos after sinking her teeth into a succulent soylent orange, "Just since they're artificially engineered, they're not mad!"

"We've generated Soylent Orange to have all of the taste you would expect with a normal evisceratomato with none of the potential madness, or health benefits for that matter," declared Consolidated Foods genetic engineer Tom Sherbrook. "However, since they've never even been close to East Spaam, you can be sure they wont kill you!"

Consumer confidence took a huge hit with Consolidated Foods and all evisceratomato-like products. However, it appears that CS has found a winning product with Soylent Orange. The next major challenge lies whether it can pass testing from the FDAA, where unless Soylent Oranges are 99.76% evisceratomato free, they will never see the shelves.

The first of many double posts in WC12.

Media Sector Collapses!
Low End-Of-Game Ratings For Commerce Heights vs Bedistan Force Media to Settle With Advertisers
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - Smaller media companies across Commerce Heights and much of Paripana were forced near or into bankruptcy today after advertisers during yesterday's match between the Bulldogs and the Lions demanded compensation for the program's low viewing numbers near the end. Though many of them still had the money payed by the companies advertising, and thus were simply lacking in money for new programs, quite a few others had already allocated the money, and, as a result, are unable to repay it. The fate of the companies in question are still unknown, but PariMedia has agreed to purchase the more profitable companies if they are unable to negotiate a deal that allows them to remain in business. Some believe that the government should step in to prevent the advertisers from killing legitimate businesses, while others think that the line has been crossed only by allowing PariMedia to buy the companies to save them, stating that PariMedia already has "a few assets too many." A poll of 104 innocent bystanders showed that all of them were inclined to run in panic as soon as someone began asking a question about the ethicality of PariMedia's corporate practicies.

DAILY CROCODILE

Ever since World Cup 2, Tanah Burung has been trying to return to the top ranks of football playing nations. "Yeah, those were the days," said Bi Kikere, the team's veteran coach. "In fact, we're going back to those days. I can now reveal that Tanah Burung's World Cup 12 team will be entirely made up of clones, fresh from the replication labs at the University of Warm Embrace."

The Dessicated Clones are being released to an unsuspecting public slowly, one Dessicated Clone at a time. Today's reveal: Ab Francisco, striker and all-time leading scorer for Tanah Burung. The original Ab Francisco is still alive, but for a share of the proceeds from any endorsement contracts signed by his Clone, the old man has agreed to allow his name to be used.

Why Dessicated Clones? Sixteen years ago, with Tanah Burung football fortunes at their lowest ebb, the political leadership of the football programme decided to take drastic measures. The country's top footballers were called in to the lab and had a sample of their DNA removed, using the same techniques by which Giant Zucchini DNA was extracted to create sentient Evisceratomatoes. The result may not be pretty, as the Clones have developed serious issues with dry skin, but Bi Kikere and the rest of har staff hope they will be effective in returning Tanah Burung to the elite ranks.

First, though, they will need to get past their qualifying group. "With the new pot system, there are no groups of death," said Bi Kikere. "But this one will be a challenge, for sure. The Dessicated Clones will need to finish in the top two spots to be sure of a spot in the Cup in Kaze Progressa, or (god forbid) Lemmitania."

The group line-up:
Halfassedstates
Tanah Burung
Svecia
SterlingIce
NEWI Cefn Druids
The Redavic Union
True Yorkshire
Dokett

Halfassedstates are the favourites here. Svecia, like Tanah Burung, is a former elite team fallen on harder times. SterlingIce is tough -- and former hockey champions -- and many observers are touting NEWI Cefn Druids as the team likeliest to surprise observers with good play (Tanah Burung beat them twice four years ago, but they're a more mature side now).

Billy Evisceratomato? :lol:

A dark room. Someone strikes a match, and chuckles. in the small pool of light, we see a large, round, smiling red ... creature. It begins to speak.

Nate E. Visser (for it is him): Too long have i been locked in this room. Now, i see the exit. Soon, i'll emerge again, my little turnips.

A disembodied voice: You no longer fear the bite of the human, the stinging death of ESE?

Nate: (Silence. He laughs.)

Voice: You no longer seek the darkness, O Wisest of the Eviseratomatoes?

Nate: It was never fear, my strangely absent lima bean. I have but slept. And now i hear of the eating of my kin, my poor slaughtered evisceratomato children, I make this known: eat Evisceratomatoes at your own risk. The Evisceratomato Liberation Army stands ready to kill any who devour my poor little vegetable splatterings. We have killed before. Do not think for a second that we will not kill again.

The match flickers and dies. Again, the darkness. And laughter. "Your own risk, my murdering little mangoes!" Fade.

I fear this Cup has grown too interesting before even a single qualifying match!

Actually that's a great thing :D

Part 3 – The Press Conference, Try Two

The Kingsford National sat in the same positions as they did, Shetfield in the middle. This time though, he had what appeared to be a picture frame, draped over by a sheet.

“Alright, Press Monkeys, listen up. We uh… got yelled at for leaving the last press conference, so we’re having another one. But this time, NO QUESTIONS!”

“Mr. Shetfield, does that mean--”

“WHAT did I just say?”

“I--”

“WHAT did I just say?”

Silence.

“Moving on. Now, you may be asking yourselves, ‘what’s the new jersey doing in this picture frame and under a sheet?’ Or, you might be asking ‘what’s under the sheet in the picture frame?’ The answer is 5. Morons.”

“Shets, take off the sheet.”

“Oh… right.”

Shetfield pulled off the sheet to reveal the new jersey.

http://www.ohiocoaster.50megs.com/Nationstates/kingsfordnationaljerseys.GIF

Unlike the usual flashes of cameras and the ooos and aahs of the crowd that followed such unveilings, the entire audience sat silent.

“Mr. Shetfield, how in the world did you get that ugly thing?”

“HEY! No questions! And it’s not ugly, anyways. Though, we understand it doesn’t match our national colors… …at all… …we feel that it best exemplifies our team and our support for the team that should’ve won Superbowl XXXVIII.”

The press was silent and confused, before they shrugged and took pictures of the newly released jersey.

to be continued…

The official, and corrected, WC12 rankings are here. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=95968&start=146)

Take a look at the venues for the WC12 finals here. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2647509#2647509)

And just for clarification; in each group, the top two go through to the Cup automatically. The twelve third-placed sides enter a playoff; the teams are randomly paired and each pair play each other home and away. The aggregate winner goes through to the Cup.

Wahrheit
The only truth

Stalag 5 in Group 3

Headquarter After the draw for Qualificication Round of WC XII Ausbilder Schmidt was not very excited. In his oppinion our glorious team does not to fear any of the other teams except maybe Warnocks Wizards and Snub Nose 38. "We can beat every team!"
The other teams of Group 3 are:
Timway
Defari
Northern Wastestan
Hash n Beans
Sacco and Vanzetti.

"We will see, if any of them is able to beat us at home, at the Graveyard." Truly, many proud teams came and you could see them humbling away afterwards.

Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia, The United Provinces of Tanah Burung, The Empire of Eauz

It is my regret to inform you that one Henry Tuck, a known convict, is on the loose in the Holy Republic. The man is wanted for at least three acts of conspiracy of public nudity, two acts of distrust to the postmaster, and is wanted for questioning for at least one act of illegal gambling. Why I inform you of him, is because there is a great possibility that during these World Cup qualifiers, he may cross the border into one of your fine and cherished states. We will do all that we can to stop this, but still a great chance remains that he will exit Kingsford. If you are able to locate him, please take him captive and send him to the Sheriff’s Office of Crimpton County where he will be dealt with for all of his violations. I will take every effort to cease this matter of increasing aggravation. Please contact back.

- The Sheriff of Crimpton County

Bedistan Football Association - Press Release

As many of you may know, the Greater Federated Democracy of Bedistan has submitted a bid to host the 13th iteration of the World Cup. We are currently in the process of attempting to find a suitable co-host. So far, we have received two bids. The submitters of those bids may note that responses to those have not yet been made. This is because we are simply waiting for any additional offers so that we can fairly judge which one is right for the BFA.

We will continue to accept such bids until (tentatively) February 28. Simply send a telegram to the BFA if you are interested.

Arnold Lawson
Interim President
Bedistan Football Association

--------------------

OOC: This should probably be in the WC13 signup thread, but hey, it's in-character and I really don't feel like attempting to open another thread on these forums at this time of the day. :P

...but I will at least get rid of the double post.

Mattigool Sports

Three Teams of MTF in Group 7

(Goolsund) The drawings for Qualifying stage of WC XII have been done. Together with Creedence Clearwater and AlanShearer (both from Meistertrainerforum) the Gools have to play in Group 7.
Two questions:
1. How does it happen that there are two teams from pot 5 - Creedence Clearwater and Mattigool - playing in the same group?
2. Will the Gools play more successful than in WC XI and CuH?
The hosts have to answer the first question, future will show the answer to the second one. But the Gools surely will give their best to reach the 3rd place and the playoffs. Coach Alex Dunner thinks, that the young Gool's attack with the Sokol twins and Kristensen (all from Mattigool Champion Fichte SK) has a great future (Kristensen already has been Gool's topscorer during WC XI). During last national championship this trio scored 72 times and was the horror of every defense. Therefore Dunner looks rather confident to the near future, although he stated, that Giant Zucchini, Squornshelous and Eauz will be favs. "We will be happy, if we can reach 4th place. But AlanShearer - although a newcomer - has won last regional championship, and I think that this team is always good for a surprise. We don't know anything about Valient and Rinkeby, but we should not underestimate them. CC has a strong defense, they are the 'masters of draw', but their attack is pretty weak. It is not so easy to win against them."

GROUP SEVEN:
Giant Zucchini
Squornshelous
Eauz
Creedence Clearwater
Mattigool
Valient
AlanShearer
Rinkeby

Matchday 1 (8)
Rinkeby - Creedence Clearwater
Valient - Mattigool
Squornshelous - AlanShearer
Giant Zucchini - Eauz

Matchday 2 (9)
Valient - Rinkeby
Creedence Clearwater - Squornshelous
Mattigool - Giant Zucchini
Eauz - AlanShearer

Matchday 3 (10)
Rinkeby - Mattigool
AlanShearer - Creedence Clearwater
Giant Zucchini - Valient
Squornshelous - Eauz

Matchday 4 (11)
Squornshelous - Rinkeby
Creedence Clearwater - Valient
Eauz - Mattigool
AlanShearer - Giant Zucchini

Matchday 5 (12)
Rinkeby - AlanShearer
Mattigool - Creedence Clearwater
Valient - Eauz
Giant Zucchini - Squornshelous

Matchday 6 (13)
Giant Zucchini - Rinkeby
Eauz - Creedence Clearwater
Valient - Squornshelous
Mattigool - AlanShearer

Matchday 7 (14)
Rinkeby - Eauz
Creedence Clearwater - Giant Zucchini
AlanShearer - Valient
Squornshelous - Mattigool

Payney and Gaz are chatting in at the bar of the Master Cooper, when they notice a piece of paper behind the bar that isn't usually there...

Payney: "Michelle, what's that behind you?"

Michelle the barmaid: "That's the crisp cupboard."

Gaz: "We know what that is. No, the bit of paper."

Michelle: "Oh that. I dunno, Mike just got two fellas to sign it."

Payney: "D'you know who they were?"

Michelle: "Footballers, he reckons."

Payney: "MIKE!"

Mike the barman: "Yeah?"

Payney: "Who are these footballers autographs you've got here?"

Mike the Barman: "Oh, just a couple of lads who used to come in all the time. They play in some little league in NCD."

Roy is lurking in the background. "Did you ask them if they'd come with us?"

Mike the barman: "Where?"

Roy: "On our football trips?"

Mike the barman: "Don't be silly. Why would they want to come with us?"

Roy: "Well they're proper footballers, we might have a chance if they play."

Gaz: "He's got a point. For once."

Mike the barman: "Well I think I've got their numbers somewhere."

Payney: "Well, give them a ring, then..."

*Mike runs (well, trots) as fast as he can up the stairs. A few minutes later, he comes back down*

Payney: "Well?"

Mike the barman: "They said yes!"

*They cheer*

Mike the barman: "The Master Cooper welcomes to it's ranks Ricos Manfriday and Rammi Steakpie!"

*The bar goes quiet. Almost at the same time, everyone comes out with the same response*

Everyone: "WHO?!?!"

Corrupt, Crooked, Callous: The WCC

A ghastly piano solo flows through the television speakers as a flow of color appears on the screen. Some violins and trumpets chime in, but they deter nothing from the dreadfulness of the background music. Green and yellow lines spiral around on the screen on a blue background, and stop to form a circle, where at the time, the word “HARDLINE” appears in red letters, as if it had been stamped on.

Narrator: This is Hardline, with your host, Cliff Clemente.

A smartly dressed, well-groomed man appears standing in the center of a large studio. The same Hardline logo seen in the opening animation is projected onto the back wall.

Fox: This is Roberto Fox, Cliff Clemente will be gone for three weeks on vacation. *Pauses briefly* The World Cup Committee, the WCC, an organization we associate with truth, goodwill and integrity. Yes, the governing body which lays out the rules in Nationstates’ most popular sporting tournament and elects a host for every World Cup. We like to think that the WCC is doing an honourable job at governing the World Cup, but do some let private interests get in the way of members deciding what’s best for the cup and worse yet, are bribery and corruption rampant throughout the committee?

The same logo of green and yellow lines in a circular helix re-appears with the words VOTE BUYING IN THE WCC overlying the logo and slim, black letters

Fox: Over the past few years, with hosts consistently performing better in World Cups, the public began to ask themselves if some were pulling the strings and buying off referees to advance host teams. With two teams coming from below the top 20 and being vaulted into the semi-finals, the cause for questioning was definitely warranted. However, as we started to research for possible score-fixing, we stumbled upon larger problems that could shake the very foundation upon which the WCC is built.

The Belmore Family are nearly as widely renowned for their football success than their failure to win bids to host World Cups. At the time of this broadcast, it had been six in a row that The Belmore Family had lucked out on. Such heartbreak and disappointment can push a nation to great lengths, and in this case, TBF may well have been pushed off the brink.

Fox looks directly towards the camera We warn that you that the audio tape you are about to here contains some information you may not want to hear and a lot of information the WCC doesn’t want you to hear. This conversation is between Belmorian ambassador to football Alan Belmore and upper-ranking WCC representative, Steve Ribeiro.

Cut to a shot of a terribly ugly mustard yellow telephone from the 70s, with captions popping up below the screen on the screen
<Alan Belmore> Do you accept bribes for the WC13 vote?
<Steve Ribeiro> *laughs* no
< Steve Ribeiro > Why?
< Steve Ribeiro > I mean I'm not interested, but if I was, which I am not.. What might I expect to swing my vote?
<Alan Belmore> I dunno, I usually accept whatever they want
< Steve Ribeiro > Such as...
<Alan Belmore> usually RP help (in wars and the like). I once had to pay TnUI 100 trillion meeps
< Steve Ribeiro > So you've already bought off votes?
< Steve Ribeiro > Such as TnUI??
<Alan Belmore> ahem... officially, no, unofficially
<Alan Belmore> no, TnUI woz for something different
< Steve Ribeiro > I see
< Steve Ribeiro > We dont really partake in wars
< Steve Ribeiro > However a large *cough*cash donation may swing my vote
<Alan Belmore> how much
< Steve Ribeiro > I dont know... make me an offer
<Alan Belmore> I can go up to 6 trillion
< Steve Ribeiro > Half your national budget to ensure one vote?
<Alan Belmore> (Alans) 2 Alans to a pound
<Alan Belmore> hmmm... prob a bit
<Alan Belmore> 1 trillion is my starting offer
< Steve Ribeiro > How about two tril?
<Alan Belmore> sure
<Alan Belmore> deal
< Steve Ribeiro > Alright
< Steve Ribeiro > Pleasure doing business with you
<Alan Belmore> and the same to you

Fox: Shocking. However, as Alan Belmore implied there were more bribes. How many more? We don’t know. But we can be sure there has been a shocking undercurrent of greed and deceit going around in the once proud World Cup. Alan Belmore was very careful not to incriminate many of his bribees, however he did leave the name of one nation willing to take bribes, Total n Utter Insanity.

We contacted a TnUI representative, Rick Dudley, to ask why and what exactly was this bribe for.

The very same shot of that terribly ugly mustard yellow telephone pops up

<Roberto Fox> Hey Rick, you mind explaining why you took bribes from TBF?
<Rick Dudley> Took bribes to do what?
<Roberto Fox> The 100 trillion meeps bribe
<Rick Dudley> That wasn't a bribe

Fox: It became obvious that Dudley was going to spill the beans on his nation’s backdoor shenanigans. We tried to contact Brazillico’s WCC Representative, Steve Ribeiro, to question him about accepting bribes, but a representative said he was over in Tahiti overseeing the construction of his ubervilla.

Most of the debate in the WCC of late has been based on downsizing the committee. However, with the shocking revelations revealed on this program today, perhaps closer attention needs to be paid towards snuffing out the corrupt. From buying off referees to placing mammoth amounts of collateral to ensure votes, this World Cup Committee is no longer the fair and just governing body it was in its beginning. Will the WCC ever recoup the black eye it has given itself and the soon to follow kick in the groin to come from the public? That remains to be seen. For everyone at Hardline, I’m Roberto Fox, good night.

The lights in the studio dim to the point where we can barely see the outline of Mr. Fox, walking back out towards the left of the studio. The camera zooms in on Hardline logo still projected on the back wall, where it remains for a few seconds until the show concludes.

Decree of Request

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia, The United Provinces of Tanah Burung, The Empire of Eauz

It is my regret to inform you that one Henry Tuck, a known convict, is on the loose in the Holy Republic. The man is wanted for at least three acts of conspiracy of public nudity, two acts of distrust to the postmaster, and is wanted for questioning for at least one act of illegal gambling. Why I inform you of him, is because there is a great possibility that during these World Cup qualifiers, he may cross the border into one of your fine and cherished states. We will do all that we can to stop this, but still a great chance remains that he will exit Kingsford. If you are able to locate him, please take him captive and send him to the Sheriff’s Office of Crimpton County where he will be dealt with for all of his violations. I will take every effort to cease this matter of increasing aggravation. Please contact back.

- The Sheriff of Crimpton County

To: The Sheriff of Crimpton County, Kingsford
From: Widespread Nationwide Police Director Jim Brown

I assure you, Mr. Sheriff of Crimpton County, that we will keep a vigilant watch on our border -- and alert you ASAP if we see a nude man attempting to cross the Oglethorpia-Kingsford border.

Signed,

Director Jim Brown
Widespread Nationwide Police

The Weegie Star

Draw Revealed: Entire Nation goes "Oh, crap."

Ah, it's World Cup time once again. A time for showing a brotherhood of man through beating him senseless through the medium of sport. While there never has been a football-related war in the NationStates world, it can surely only be a matter of time before the It Was Never A Penalty, Ref war, or the Is That Moron Blind? He Was Definitely Offside conflict are seared onto our memories.

Anyway, enough navel-gazing (mine's an outie, don't you know). The draw for our group was as follows:

GROUP ELEVEN:
Jeruselem
BSE Free Bovines
Brazillico
The Eagles Nest
Spaam
Oglethorpia
Holy India
The Weegies

Focus on Teams:

Jerusalem are a team we played in WCXI, a fairly religious country, methinks, so it's good to see some familiar faces, even if they will be baying for our blood after beating them 4 years ago. Still, better the devil you know, eh?

BSE Free Bovines are a new team, and who knows, maybe they are BSE free. If they're related in any way to our dear friends at Hell Bovines, however, the games against them may be very entertaining, if only to see how sentient cows play football.

Brazillico are the dark horses, the ones to watch, the... oh, I've gone through enough clichés. The double World Cup winners, recently rising from the ashes like a... no, no more clichés...are always expected to do well, and will be a tough team to play against, even though they still aren't considered the classic team of so many world cups ago, because of their fearsome reputation, as well as being excellent footballers.

The Eagle's Nest is another new side. They have lots of eagles, apparently. And they're definitely not fascists. Hmm, what's that thing about governments vehemently denying something again?

Spaam are a decent side, with a definite dislike for all things Alan Belmore. We haven't played them before, but we have played their rather... controversial neighbours East Spaam, whose last minute trying duck out of WCX, coupled with their bad spelling, left them with a certain notoriety in certain footballing circles.

Oglethorpia are a side we may or may not have played, I can't remember, really, but we have played the time-travelling 1900's Oglethorpia, who continually had us at a stalemate in two World Cups. Let's hope Oglethorpia itself is a team we can score against.

Finally, Holy India are another new side. I know nothing about them, really. Zip. Nada. I know naatheeng.

Fixture list:

Day 1: Holy India vs The Weegies
Day 2: The Weegies vs Oglethorpia
Day 3: Spaam vs The Weegies
Day 4: The Weegies vs The Eagles Nest
Day 5: Brazillico vs The Weegies
Day 6: The Weegies vs BSE Free Bovines
Day 7: Jeruselem vs The Weegies
Day 8: The Weegies vs Holy India
Day 9: Oglethorpia vs The Weegies
Day 10: The Weegies vs Spaam
Day 11: The Eagles Nest vs The Weegies
Day 12: The Weegies vs Brazillico
Day 13: BSE Free Bovines vs The Weegies
Day 14: The Weegies vs Jeruselem

Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network
Evisceratomatoes are still good!

FERNANDO GREEN:
Hey friends -- Fernando Green here, avid-evisceratomato fan and team captain of the Oglethorpian Wonderteam!

Over the years, i've gotten mounds of mail asking me how I take my corner kicks so well -- and make the passes like I do to score goals for the team.

Well, it's all very simple, friends! I eat 14 lbs of evisceratomatoes before every Oglethorpian Wonderteam match.

The ESE scare is gone, folks -- otherwise i'd be long dead! No, I never ate any of that rubbish from East Spaam. Evisceratomatoes are just fine to eat -- grown right here in the Bureaucratic States.

So here's to evisceratomatoes, and eating 14 lbs of them before anything of great importance. If it works for me, it'll work for a sad sack of crap like yourself!

Don't forget it, Wonderteam fans:

[Cartoony embodiment of a sentient evisceratomato comes onto the screen.]

Don't be late
They're really great

Evisceratomatoes demand to be ate


FERNANDO GREEN:
Available at your local Consolidated FoodMart!

[code:1:d2bf1ca06d]Day 1: 1v2, 3v4, 5v6, 7v8
Day 2: 3v1, 2v5, 4v7, 8v6
Day 3: 1v4, 6v2, 7v3, 5v8
Day 4: 5v1, 2v3, 8v4, 6v7
Day 5: 1v6, 4v2, 3v8, 7v5
Day 6: 7v1, 8v2, 3v5, 4v6
Day 7: 1v8, 2v7, 6v3, 5v4
Days 8-14: the above in reverse
(note, the HOME team is always listed first).
[/code:1:d2bf1ca06d]

Ok, I'm using this, and according to it, the home team is listed first, so I hope this is right. I looked at other team's schedules, and they have a completely different schedule.

World Cup 12 Schedule released

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GROUP SEVEN:
Rinkeby
Creedence Clearwater
Valient
Mattigool
Squornshelous
AlanShearer
Giant Zucchini
Eauz
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Day 1: Eauz @ Giant Zucchini
Day 2: AlanShearer @ Eauz
Day 3: Eauz @ Squornshelous
Day 4: Mattigool @ Eauz
Day 5: Eauz @ Valient
Day 6: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Day 7: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Day 8: Giant Zucchini @ Eauz
Day 9: Eauz @ AlanShearer
Day 10: Squornshelous @ Eauz
Day 11: Eauz @ Mattigool
Day 12: Valient @ Eauz
Day 13: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Day 14: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Les Bleus will continue their international play in World Cup 12. Once again, Les Bleus are placed in the same group as Giant Zucchini, but last time, they were not ranked as high as before. This group should be hard for Les Bleus to qualify, because of the two well ranked teams in Squornshelous and Giant Zucchini. The Coach said, "I'm not scared about anything. Listen we have beaten tought teams, and competed very well. We even finished higher in the standings than Oglethorpia in the last World Cup.

*There does that look better ?????? :evil:

~in a dark alley in downtown Oglethorpia~

~two men dressed in black suits are talking~

Marcus: So you can do it?

Tony: I told you, for the right price....

Marcus: 30 million, we agreed, right?

Tony: Yeah, we agreed. 30 million, and my boys strike.

Marcus: Good. ~looks behind him~ Hey Bobby! Bring the cases here!

~a big man lugs 4 briefcases towards the two men~

Marcus: 7 and a half million per case, four cases. ~he opens one up~ Satisfied?

Tony: Very. Nice doing business with you.

Marcus: Always a pleasure, Tony.

~the two men walk back to their limos and drive off~

Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network
Workers stike across the nation

In a blow for Oglethorpian Evisceratomato production, workers in the top Evisceratomato plants of gone on strike, demanding a 200% pay rise. Union leader Tony Baracas says "the conditions we have to work in are terrible.... and my boys are always afraid of getting into contact with a bad Evisceratomato.... and we all know how bad those things are....". Evisceratomato officials are panicking with this latest event in the long running Evisceratomato drama.

GROUP SEVEN:
Rinkeby
Creedence Clearwater
Valient
Mattigool
Squornshelous
AlanShearer
Giant Zucchini
Eauz

Day 1: AlanShearer @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 2: #16 Squornshelous @ #82 Creedence Clearwater
Day 3: #31 Eauz @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 4: Rinkeby @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 5: #16 Squornshelous @ #2 Giant Zucchini
Day 6: #16 Squornshelous @ Valient
Day 7: #104 Mattigool @ #16Squornshelous
Day 8: #16 Squornshelous @ AlanShearer
Day 9: #82 Creedence Cearwater @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 10: #16 Squornshelous @ #31 Eauz
Day 11: #16 Squornshelous @Rinkeby
Day 12: #2 Giant Zucchini @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 13: Valient @ #16 Squornshelous
Day 14: #16 Squornshelous @ #104 Mattigool

Rank Order, If anyone is interested. (you'd better be, it took me 25 minutes to write this up!)

1 Europa Brittania
2 Giant Zucchini
3 Warnocks Wizards
4 Audioslavia
5 The Belmore Family
6 Aquilla
7 New Montreal States
8 Lemmitania
9 Ravenspire
10 Rejistania
11 One Red Dot
12 Ariddia
13 Halfassedstates
14 Oglethorpia
15 Commerce Heights
16 Squornshelous
17 Snub Nose 38
18 Liverpool England
19 Kingsford
20 Iansisle
21 Kaze Progressa
22 The Lowland Clans
23 Oddslavo
24 Dark Outcasts
25 Bedistan
26 Tanah Burung
27 Spaam
28 Runaway Moose
29 Total n Utter Insanity
30 Gesamtkuntswerk
31 Eauz
32 East Spaam
33 Antaeus Rising
34 Dennisov
35 Timway
36 Nikea
37 NASTIC 2
37 Kerla
39 Busby
40 Svecia
41 The Weegies
41 Cockbill Street
43 Belmorian Scandinavia
44 Brazillico
45 Anti-Nazis
46 Akbarland
47 Tranquillitus
48 Pavesia
49 SterlingIce
50 Zinkoland
51 Kravoli
52 Defari
53 Lanky dude
54 Keyshona
55 Big Butts
56 Sliponia
57 Morawny
58 Oilermania
59 God Squad
60 Dead Man
61 Artemisia Absentia
62 Vozvyshennost
62 One Blue Dot
64 Evisceratomatoes
65 Tony mag
65 Lynnwoode
67 Monkwearmouth
67 Dual supporters
69 Blood Devourers
70 Clearwater
71 Exetonia
72 EL CID THE HERO
73 CallMeBernard
74 Praying2God
74 Newcuba
74 Ptolomy
74 Athamasha
78 The Dragonian Empire
79 LordSquall
80 Ice Reavers
80 Alex The Tall
82 Stella and E
82 Ravea
82 Beestings
82 East-Germany
82 Creedence Clearwater
82 Belmorian Foxworthia
88 Haraki
89 Avenging Altos
89 Shonar Bangla
89 KOR3A
89 Peter Panarchy
93 NEWI Cefn Druids
94 Oreo Cookie
94 Irrevilentsdom
96 Koennerstein
96 Western pie makers
96 Pablicosta
96 Lubistan
96 Cermania
101 Senoj
102 Social Cleavage
102 The most holy Kesler
102 Monotonous Monarchy
104 Mattigool
105 Stealth zerbert
105 Great Boogie
107 SPARTEN
107 Dauragons
107 Kumba ya
110 Nadaskor
110 USAnia
110 A nation
110 Sensual Products
110 Agnosticium
110 Canadian Power Trip
110 Davii
117 Kamakaza
117 Jaurania
119 Microbrits
119 Larkinia
119 Scabara
122 Jeruselem
122 Eaglet
124 The Arrivian Alliance
125 Citta Acqua
125 Fradustanis
127 Grigala
128 Belarussian States
128 Gmlac
130 All new teams

WC12 campaign to begin against old foes Svecia!

The draw for the qualifying rounds of WC12 has been released.
Halfassedstates have been seeded 13th once again for the competition.

This allowed the national side to be the top seed in the qualifying group and with two teams to advance to the finals once again, Jarvis Smith, in what may well be his last WC campaign, will be hoping to avoid a repeat of the last minute qualifying saga that we went through last time!

The draw sees Halfassed in group 5, with only one team that we have played before. Unfortunatly, that team is Svecia - who have defeated us 3 times in our 3 meetings. The other names that catch the eye in the group are Tanah Burung and NEWI Cefn Druids. TB are a renowned footballing side, who we have somehow managed to avoid playing until this draw. Ranked 26th, they should be a bigger threat to Halfassed progression than even Svecia. The Druids are a team that caught the eye in the last cup thanks mainly to a fantasically poor-run, but will the past four years have improved their side?

The full match schedule is:
1 Svecia (a)
2 TB (h) (the Commonwealth Stadium - Whogivesa City)
3 Dokett (a)
4 True Yorkshire (h) (the Munro Stadium - Sowhatsville)
5 Redavic Union (a)
6 Sterling Ice (h) (the Glade - Aso {town 30minutes from Whogivesa)
7 NEWI Cefn Druids (a)
8 Svecia (h) (the Commonwealth Stadium)
9 TB (a)
10 Dokett (h) (Meadow Road - Getoverit)
11 True Yorkshire (a)
12 Redavic Union (h) (the Munro Stadium)
13 Sterling Ice (a)
14 NEWI (h) (the City of Whogivesa Stadium - Whogivesa {honestly!!})

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem Crusaders return to World Cup!

After the disaster of World Cup XI, the Crusaders have returned to play in XII. A new look team from last year, the team has been placed in Group Eleven which includes old rival "The Weegies" from WC XI.

In WC XI, Jeruselem won 1 game and lost the other 13. It is expected the new team is more competitive, but does not expect to progress to the finals.

The team is ranked in a lowly 122, but the new captain Harry Kewell said he expects a few more wins this time.

GROUP ELEVEN:
Jeruselem
BSE Free Bovines
Brazillico
The Eagles Nest
Spaam
Oglethorpia
Holy India
The Weegies

Bovine Times

Bovines to participate in World Cup XII

El Toro.

The Ministry of Sport, Entertainment and Propaganda announced today that a team of footballers from The Armed Republic of BSE Free Bovines will be participating in World Cup XII qualifying starting this Thursday. The Bovines who recently participated in the Trial by Fire Tournament and failed to advance into the knockout round are expected to do same in the World Cup.

All home matches are expected to be played at Titan Stadium, known to the locals as "The Pasture." The Ministry also stated that every attempt will be made to clear the pitch of livestock and their fertilizer before every match.

The Bovines have not released a roster, however few changes are expected from the side that participated in the TBF Tournament.

Little is known about the opposition at this time and this is expected to continue throughout the tournament.

The list of teams in our group and the Bovines schedule of fixtures follows.

GROUP ELEVEN TEAMS:
Jeruselem
BSE Free Bovines
Brazillico
The Eagles Nest
Spaam
Oglethorpia
Holy India
The Weegies

SCHEDULE OF FIXTURES:
Day 1: Jeruselem v Bovines
Day 2: Bovines v Spaam
Day 3: Oglethorpia v Bovines
Day 4: Bovines v Brazillico
Day 5: The Eagles Nest v Bovines
Day 6: The Weegies v Bovines
Day 7: Bovines v Holy India
Day 8: Bovines v Jeruselem
Day 9: Spaam v Bovines
Day 10: Bovines v Oglethorpia
Day 11: Brazillico v Bovines
Day 12: Bovines v The Eagles Nest
Day 13: Bovines v The Weegies
Day 14: Holy India v Bovines

OOC

Hi BSE Free Bovines, good luck except when you play us like the first game.

An elderly man is sitting with his legs crossed garnished in nothing but a slightly overbearing loincloth. The dark room with pine trusses is covered in buffalo hide with brightly colored drawings all around. There is a smoky haze in the room, coming from various incenses and the peace pipe to the man’s right. “Ohhhhh,” mutters the old man from his strong jaw, “Lottooooo. Olééé Olé Olé Ohhh Lotttoooo.”

A group of young children sneak into the hut behind the old man and observe him as he is sitting down and chanting. They look past the man and see he is facing a large mural of a large, joyous man with long brown curly hair and forgiving, almost child-like features with the name “Lotto” printed beneath him. The old man then leans to his right and takes a long hit from his peace pipe. He pauses for several seconds and exhales while muttering out the words, “Wengapo Lotto” and slowly makes his way to his feet.

“Children,” asked Grandfather Birchbark as he turns around, “What are you doing in the vision tent?”

“We wanted to know why people always come here,” said Jonik.

“The Vision Tent is only for elders who wish to have visions,” replied Grandfather Birchbark, “You know well that younguns are forbidden to come here.”

“Yes, Grandfather Birchbark,” answered Jonik, looking shamefully at the dirt floor. “But who is Lotto?”

Grandfather Birchbark picked up his peace pipe and inhaled deeply. He paused, seemingly to reflect upon something and blew out a massive cloud of smoke in the shape of the man he was meditating to. “Gather round children,” said Grandfather Birchbark, “And listen to a tale of gods, mythical beings, statistics and probability.”

The flock of children, perhaps five or six of them, pick themselves up and sit in a neat circle around Grandfather Birchbark. “It all began many moons ago, when I was not much older than all of you are right now. A young man named Brazillico marched to the Holy Empire of Alasdair I Frosticus in search of success. To do this, he had to confront the mighty god who controlled all at the time. After searching long and hard throughout the Holy Empire, Brazillico finally found the god he was searching for, an imposing blockish figure flocked in white with black spots.”

“Oh, dearest god,” said the young Brazillico, “I have come from a far away land and hope you will accept these Rare Pearls (OOC-Commonly known as RPs in most societies) as an act of good faith from my part.”

“The Cow-God looked down at the Rare Pearls Brazillico had brought him,” continued Grandfather Birchbark, “Indeed, they were fine Rare Pearls, amongst the best anyone had seen at the time, but the Cow-God looked down on Brazillico with disgust and angst.”

“You expect me to bless you and help your fortunes?” asked the Cow-God, “You have greatly angered me with your materialism. Your Rare Pearls shall have no positive effect on me. May ones and fives be showered upon you and may fours and sixes rain down upon your rivals!”

“The Cow-God struck with the anger of a thousand grizzly bears and punished Brazillico for four years,” said Grandfather Birchbark, “However, a new more powerful god was being born in the year of the 3rd Water Child and Brazillico decided to see him to try to reverse his fortunes. Brazillico, now wiser and more mature from his four years of hardships, made the long trip to Total n Utter Insanity to confront this new god of ‘random numbers’. When Brazillico found the random number god, he confronted him with this plea.”

He said, “Oh wonderful and virtuous random number god, I come forth before you asking you to remove this curse which the God of Dumb Luck has placed upon me which has left me a broken man. Please, take these Rare Pearls, cows and virgins I have brought from my home country as a token of my good faith.”

“The Random Number god looked down at the gifts Brazillico had brought him,” revealed Grandfather Birchbark, “He had more Rare Pearls than he could wear, more cows than he could eat, more virgins than he could shake his stick at.”

“Kind Brazillico,” thundered the Random Number god, “Thank you for this wide array of gifts. Your contributions are very welcome and I feel like we’re going to become friends. Call me Lotto from now on.”

“Brazillico thanked mighty Lotto for his words and continued on his way,” said Grandfather Birchbark, “And indeed, Brazillico and Lotto became very fine friends, with Brazillico meeting Lotto every year of the Water Child and giving him gifts and Lotto, in return, would give Brazillico his blessing. After the two had met a few times, Brazillico had become faster, quicker, stronger and more successful than any other man in the World. That is… until Black Monday.”

“Black Monday,” asked Jonic, “What’s that?”

“That is the sad day that Brazillico was held captive by an oppressive, bad man,” answered Grandfather Birchbark, “The wind refused to blow and the moon did not show its face on that faithful night. Lotto was the most disappointed of all. He had become accustomed to meeting with gentle Brazillico and when the two did not meet on the year of the seventh Water Child, he felt deeply saddened and betrayed.”

“So is Brazillico dead now?” asked Jonik.

“No, dear Jonik, Brazillico is very much alive,” replied Grandfather Birchbark as a deep, almost scary grin appeared on his face. “Brazillico freed himself and returned to see Lotto in Total n Utter Insanity where they had first met.”
“Lotto, it is I, Brazillico, how good it is to see you!”

“But Lotto was not as happy to see Brazillico as Brazillico was to see Lotto,” said Grandfather Birchbark, “For Lotto was still resentful of the time Brazillico had failed to show up during the year of the seventh Water Child and he had made new friends in his absence. Lotto looked back at Brazillico with a dry, empty stare. Rare Pearls hung from his neck far more beautiful than any Brazillico could ever fashion.”

“Brazillico, you left me,” said Lotto, “I am glad to hear you are safe, but things will never be the same. I shall turn my back on you, just as you turned your back upon me.

“Lotto turned around walked away from Brazillico,” said Grandfather Birchbark, with a tear in his eye, “With each step he took, Brazillico felt the distance growing between each other ever increasing, each step, like a dagger wound to his heart. Yet again, Brazillico was a broken man.”

“So was that the end of Brazillico and Lotto?” asked Jonik.

“So the legend goes,” replied Birchbark, “so it goes. The year of the twelfth Water Child is fast approaching and although it is said that Brazillico and Lotto meet again, I-I think differently. Gentle Brazillico and Mighty Lotto were too close to never meet again and too affable to not unite once more. Now children, you will have to excuse me as I must return to my visions.”

The children, who were spellbound by the Grandfather Birchbark’s story stood up and started to file out of the tent, as Grandfather Birchbark pulled out a zippo stashed behind a stool and attempted to re-illuminate his pipe.

OOC- I think everyone in Group 11 has posted so far except Holy India... should be fun.

OOC: Bah, with the pot draws there are no groups of death.

Now that I'm in charge, Death will be for me to hand out, on an arbitrary basis.

Muhahahaha.

Heh.Oooo! We love it when you're arbitrary!

:shock: once again has managed to post with the wrong nation :(

Scuttlebutt – Morning Edition

Hooligans in Group Three – Again
Sten Remington Grey

The Snub Nose 38 national side, the Hooligans, have been drawn into Group 3 for World Cup 12 Qualifiers. The Hooligans were in Group 3 for World Cup 11 Qualifiers. The Hooligans were in Group 3 for World Cup 10 Qualifiers. As far back as this reporter can remember (which, admittedly, is not that far) the Hooligans have been in Group 3 for World Cup (fill in the blank) Qualifiers. In light of this, the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages (recently returned from a Sabbatical to the city of Longbow in the Great Alkali Desert) announced plans today to petition the World Cup Committee to have Group 3 permanently re-named “Group 38”. If the petition is approved, in all future World Cups there would be Groups 1, 2, 38, 4, 5, 6, 7, etc.

edit - having actually gone back and looked, we find that while it is true that in wc11 sn38 was in group 3, it was group 1 in wc10 and group 8 in wc9. we know we were in group 3 way back in wc3 (our first) but, all in all, it looks rather like the whole "always in group 3" thing is a bust. eh. the minister is an idiot, anyway

While international football matches are never easy, especially World Cup and World Cup Qualifying matches, Hooligan Manager Ben Dover (recently returned from a Sabbatical to the city of Longbow in the Great Alkali Desert) opined that the toughest competition the Hooligans will face in the qualifiers will be from The Red and White Wizards of Warnocks Wizards – with Timway and Defari, both with quite a bit of World Cup experience, also expected to provide some tough matches.

The Minister noted that the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages was going to open an inquiry into the fairness of the Hooligans being required to play matches against both Sacco and Vanzetti concurrently on matchdays 5 and 12, as well as being required to play concurrent matches with Hash and Beans on matchdays 3 and 10. Someone who would only give her name as “Margaret” (recently returned from a Sabbatical to the city of Longbow in the Great Alkali Desert) said something to him (it sounded like “shut up, idiot” – but we’re sure that’s not right), grabbed his arm, and hustled him away.

Here is the list of sides in Group 3, and the Qualifying Match Schedule for Group 3. Tickets for all matches can be acquired through Snubitron. Tickets for Hooligan matches can also be acquired by calling the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages. Just ask for Beverly.

Group 3
1 Sacco and Vanzetti
2 Hash n Beans
3 Stalag 5
4 Defari
5 Warnocks Wizards
6 Snub Nose 38
7 Northern Wastestan
8 Timway

Group 3 Qualifying Schedule
(note, the HOME team is always listed first)

Matchday 1
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Hash n Beans
Stalag 5 vs Defari
Warnocks Wizards vs Snub Nose 38
Northern Wastestan vs Timway

Matchday 2
Stalag 5 vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Hash n Beans vs Warnocks Wizards
Defari vs Northern Wastestan
Timway vs Snub Nose 38

Matchday 3
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Defari
Snub Nose 38 vs Hash n Beans
Northern Wastestan vs Stalag 5
Warnocks Wizards vs Timway

Matchday 4
Warnocks Wizards vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Hash n Beans vs Stalag 5
Timway vs Defari
Snub Nose 38 vs Northern Wastestan

Matchday 5
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Snub Nose 38
Defari vs Hash n Beans
Stalag 5 vs Timway
Northern Wastestan vs Warnocks Wizards

Matchday 6
Northern Wastestan vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Timway vs Hash n Beans
Stalag 5 vs Warnocks Wizards
Defari vs Snub Nose 38

Matchday 7
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Timway
Hash n Beans vs Northern Wastestan
Snub Nose 38 vs Stalag 5
Warnocks Wizards vs Defari

Matchday 8
Hash n Beans vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Defari vs Stalag 5
Snub Nose 38 vs Warnocks Wizards
Timway vs Northern Wastestan

Matchday 9
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Stalag 5
Warnocks Wizards vs Hash n Beans
Northern Wastestan vs Defari
Snub Nose 38 vs Timway

Matchday 10
Defari vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Hash n Beans vs Snub Nose 38
Stalag 5 Northern Wastestan
Timway vs Warnocks Wizards

Matchday 11
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Warnocks Wizards
Stalag 5 vs Hash n Beans
Defari vs Timway
Northern Wastestan vs Snub Nose 38

Matchday 12
Snub Nose 38 vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Hash n Beans vs Defari
Timway vs Stalag 5
Warnocks Wizards vs Northern Wastestan

Matchday 13
Sacco and Vanzetti vs Northern Wastestan
Hash n Beans vs Timway
Warnocks Wizards vs Stalag 5
Snub Nose 38 vs Defari

Matchday 14
Timway vs Sacco and Vanzetti
Northern Wastestan vs Hash n Beans
Stalag 5 vs Snub Nose 38
Defari vs Warnocks Wizards

[code:1:7c5e24bca6]
World Cup IV
Qualifying
W4-2 Enelando
L1-2 Alhana Catherine
W3-2 Dyelibeybi
L1-2 Lemmitania
W3-1 Divine Llama
L0-1 Lunatic Goofballs

First Round
D3-3 Kingsford
W2-1 Jurrasica
D1-1 Europa Brittania

Second Round
D1-1 Lemmitania (D1-1AET L2-3PEN)


P W D L F A
10 4 2 4 19 16

World Cup V
L0-4 Squornshelous
L0-3 One Red Dot
L0-1 Hendland
W4-0 Halfassedstates
W3-2 Caras Sidh
W2-1 Dark Outcasts
D1-1 Christofi

8-Way-Playoff
L1-2 Moyk

P W D L F A
8 3 1 4 11 14

World Cup VI
Qualifying
W2-0 Great White Sharks
D3-3 _AMP
W4-3 Porvoo
W4-1 Jay Cutter
W3-2 Cobra Cult
W6-0 Iuthia
D1-1 Starving Children
W2-1 Great White Sharks
D1-1 _AMP
W1-0 Porvoo
L2-3 Jay Cutter
D1-1 Cobra Cult
W2-0 Iuthia
L2-3 Starving Children

First Round
L0-3 Spaam
D1-1 Lemmitania
W2-1 Cobra Cult

P W D L F A
17 9 5 3 37 24

World Cup VII
First Round
L3-4 Malundar
W3-1 Liverpool England
W1-0 Kingsford

Second Round 18
D2-2 Errinundera (L2-4AET)

P W D L F A
4 2 0 2 9 9

World Cup VIII
Qualifying
W4-0 Sycoes
L1-2 Black Eagle Corps.
W2-1 Voyger
W2-0 Demonic Beings
D1-1 Quohog
D1-1 Sycoes
D0-0 Black Eagle Corps
D2-2 Voyger
D0-0 Demonic Beings
D1-1 Quohog

First Round
L1-2 Halfassedstates
L2-3 The Belmore Family
W3-1 Bullonien

P W D L F A
13 4 6 3 20 14

World Cup IX
Qualifying
W2-0 Clearwater
L0-2 Lanky Dude
D1-1 Sensual Products
L0-1 East Spaam
D0-0 Timway
L0-1 Aquilla
W2-0 Spaam
W3-1 Clearwater
W3-1 Lanky Dude
W1-0 Sensual Products
W2-0 East Spaam
W3-2 Timway
D0-0 Aquilla
L0-1 Spaam

First Round
L1-2 The Belmore Family
D1-1 Oglethorpia
W1-0 Nikea

P W D L F A
17 8 4 5 20 13

World Cup X
Qualifying
W2-1 Svecia
W3-0 Dauragons
L1-2 Zinkoland
W3-0 Citta Acqua
L1-2 Dragonian Empire
W2-0 Davii
L0-1 Clearwater
W3-1 Ravenspire
W1-0 Svecia
W3-0 Dauragons
L2-3 Zinkoland
W2-0 Citta Acqua
W2-1 Dragonian Empire
W3-1 Davii
L0-1 Clearwater
D1-1 Ravenspire

First Round
L1-2 Lemmitania
W1-0 Total 'n Utter Insanity
W3-0 Commerce Heights

Second Round
L0-1 Kingsford

P W D L F A
20 12 1 7 34 17

World Cup XI
Qualifying
D0-0 Oddslavo
W1-0 Mattigool
W3-0 Lynnwoode
W2-0 Artemsia Absentia
W2-0 Ice Reavers
L0-2 Aquilla
W2-0 Big Butts
D0-0 Oddslavo
W4-1 Mattigool
W2-1 Lynnwoode
W2-0 Artemsia Absentia
W4-0 Ice Reavers
D1-1 Aquilla
D1-1 Big Butts

First Round
W1-0 Total n Utter Insanity
W3-2 Runaway Moose
W1-0 Kerla

Second Round
L0-1 Europa Brittania

P W D L F A
18 12 4 2 29 9

World Cup XII
Qualifying
W2-1 EL CID THE HERO
D1-1 Iansisle
W4-0 Abysmalistan
L0-1 East Spaam
W4-2 James A Hollar
L1-2 Eaglet
W5-2 Gaddland
D2-2 EL CID THE HERO
W1-0 Iansisle
W2-0 Abysmalistan
L1-2 East Spaam
W1-0 James A Hollar
D0-0 Eaglet
D2-2 Gaddland

First Round
W2-1 NASTIC 2
L0-3 Oglethorpia
W3-1 Gesamkuntswerk

Knockout Stages
W2-1 Europa Brittania
W5-4 Squornshelous
W4-3 Commerce Heights
L1-2 Rejistania

P W D L F A
21 12 4 5 43 30

Overall:

P W D L F A
128 64 27 35 212 110

Random Stats:

Biggest Wins:
6-0 Vs Iuthia (WC6Q)
4-0 Vs Sycoes (WC8Q)
4-0 Vs Halfassedstates (WC5Q)
4-0 Vs Ice Reavers (WC11Q)
4-0 Vs Abysmalistan (WC12Q)
5-2 Vs Gaddland (WC12Q)

Biggest Defeats:
0-4 Vs Squornshelous (WC5Q)
0-3 Vs One Red Dot (WC5Q)
0-3 Vs Spaam (WC6)
0-3 Vs Oglethorpia (WC12)
2-4 Vs Errinundera (WC7)


Longest Winning Streak: 6 games (WC9Q)
Longest Losing Streak: 4 games (WC4-WC5Q)
Longest time without defeat: 11 games (WC11Q - WC11)
Longest time without win: 8 games (WC8Q, WC8)

Bogey teams:
United Spaam (played 6, lost 4)
Aquilla/Eaglet (played 5, lost 3, drawn 2)
Lemmitania (Played 4, lost 3, drawn 1)
Zinkoland (played 2, lost 2)
The Belmore Family (played 2, lost 2)


Notches on bedpost (big names which have succumbed to the 'slaves)

Halfassedstates (4-0 WC5Q)
Liverpool England (3-1 WC7)
Kingsford (1-0 WC7)
East Spaam (2-0 WC9Q)
Spaam (2-0 WC9Q)
Timway (3-2 WC9Q)
Nikea (1-0 WC9)
Commerce Heights (3-0 WC10, 4-3 WC12)
Total 'n Utter Insanity (1-0 WC10, 1-0 WC11)
Ravenspire (3-1 WC11Q)
Svecia (2-1 WC11Q, 2-1 WC11Q)
Runaway Moose (3-2 WC11)
Nastic 2 (2-1 WC12)
Gesamkuntswerk (3-1 WC12)
Europa Brittania (2-1 WC12)
Squornshelous (5-4 WC12)


Ranking History:

WC4: n00b
WC5: 11
WC6: 40
WC7: 20
WC8: 13
WC9: 18
WC10: 18
WC11: 11
WC12: 4
WC13: 2

Honours: World Cup Runner-Up (WC12)[/code:1:7c5e24bca6]

[code:1:3d9ed176ad]Day 1: 1v2, 3v4, 5v6, 7v8
Day 2: 3v1, 2v5, 4v7, 8v6
Day 3: 1v4, 6v2, 7v3, 5v8
Day 4: 5v1, 2v3, 8v4, 6v7
Day 5: 1v6, 4v2, 3v8, 7v5
Day 6: 7v1, 8v2, 3v5, 4v6
Day 7: 1v8, 2v7, 6v3, 5v4
Days 8-14: the above in reverse
(note, the HOME team is always listed first).
[/code:1:3d9ed176ad]

Ok, I'm using this, and according to it, the home team is listed first, so I hope this is right. I looked at other team's schedules, and they have a completely different schedule.


Right so far...

World Cup 12 Schedule released

[code:1:3d9ed176ad]
GROUP SEVEN:
Giant Zucchini
Squornshelous
Eauz
Creedence Clearwater
Mattigool
Valient
AlanShearer
Rinkeby
[/code:1:3d9ed176ad]


...only you've gone and copied the wrong group listings, which explains why they're different. The correct order is further down the first page of this thread. Confusing, I know, but it's so that all the top teams don't play each other at the same time.

“Where are we again?”

“We’re on an airplane, Brian.”

“I know that, Con; I meant where are we going?”

“I don’t know. Fort Jackson,” sighed Conrad Brandt, trying to roll over in his seat.

There was a brief pause. “I thought you didn’t know,” said Brian Park in confusion.

“Maybe I just don’t want to talk to you!” exclaimed Conrad, causing some nearby passengers to look over in irritation. He quickly counted to ten.

The outburst won him nearly two minutes of absolute silence. Then, suddenly: “Why d’ya suppose the flight is takin’ so long, Con?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t care,” said Conrad slowly, springing a leak in his bottom lip. “Shut...up.”

“What’re we gonna be doing in Fort Jackson?” asked Brian, as if he hadn’t even heard his teammate. Conrad gave up and rolled back over.

“We’re supposed to go around begging for money. C.R. cut our funding, y’know.”

“How much do we have left?”

“Twenty-seven fifty and a pack of smokes. How the hell should I know!?”

“I think we’re coming in for a landing. Say, Con, did I ever...”

“The time you scored a goal against Cockbill Street in the Harmony Cup. Yes.”

“Well...”

“The time you stole the ball and saved the game in World Cup Eleven? Heard that one too. And before you even try it, yes to that time you saved a kitten from a burning building in Pennsbridge.”

“I have other stories too,” said Brian indignantly.

“I should hope so, in the twenty thousand million years you’ve been playing football. Oh, thank God in heaven - we’re landing.”

Brian looked about as they stepped off the flight. After a few seconds, he said: “Wow! Fort Jackson’s sure changed a lot since the last time I was here!” Only then did he notice that Conrad was holding a hand over his eyes. “What’s wrong, Con?”

“Brian, this isn’t Fort Jackson. This isn’t even Iansisle at all.”

“It’s...not?”

“No. I don’t know where we are, but it’s not Kansas, that’s for damn sure. Just look around you.”

Brian did. “Say, you’re right!”

“Of course I am!” Conrad was about to suggest they contact Sir Gregory at the Underministry when Brian stepped out suddenly in front of an elderly couple.

“Excuse me, ma’am, sir. I’m Brian Park, star player of the Iansisle Ians international football squad. We’ve been hitting on some hard times of late...”

Conrad bit his lip again as Brian launched into the sales pitch that had been hammered into their heads. This was going to be one long day.

DRUID SPORTS DIGEST

A NEW DAWN FOR DRUID FOOTBALL?

The scene was one of despondence. NEWI Cefn Druids had just walked from the field after a goalless draw with Big Butts in the Cup of Harmony. Despite not losing, it was the eighteenth official game of Trevor Stevens’ tenure in charge of the NEWI Cefn Druids without a taste of victory, and it would turn out to be his last. As bad as it seemed at the time, it was going to get a lot worse before it would get better.

In the days following their Cup of Harmony exit, the Druids (not including the five players who had walked out on Stevens) lost a training match against an egg. Then revelations came out that Stevens had attempted to bribe a number of referees during meaningless qualifying matches, though none were proved to have been taken. NEWI Cefn Druids were now not only the joke of the footballing world, but at risk of distancing itself from it altogether.

However, that was as low as it got. For seemingly the first time in its history, the FANCD handled an issue in a highly respectable manner by banning Stevens from Druid football, fining him an entire year’s salary and replacing him with someone who at least had some footballing experience.

In Tim Welsh, the Druids' captain through the World Cup XI Qualifiers, they had one of the most respected people in the national game at the helm. With the advantage of already knowing most of the players, Welsh, along with three other players retiring at the same time who were appointed as coaches, got to work straight away in bringing some confidence to the dejected squad. As well as this, Welsh has turned out to be an excellent diplomat, and was even welcomed at the draw for the World Cup 12 Qualifiers. Even at an event like this, with the focus of the world media there, Welsh showed the new found confidence in the camp when he said that there was no reason for his team to be scared in the up-coming matches.

But is that the truth, or is it just a load of bobbins to make the Druids look a respectable outfit? Let’s take a look at the Druids’ opposition in the qualifying campaign…

Halfassedstates are the top seeds in the group, but Welsh seems confident that the Druids can pull off a shock or two against them. “What have we got to lose?” he told us. “Everyone will expect us to lose to Halfassedstates, but that means the pressure will be off us. When there’s less pressure out there, it’s a whole lot easier, I can tell you.” However, we at DSD don’t share Welsh’s confidence, as Halfassedstates have kept a weary eye on the Druids, and we fully expect to get a couple of absolute tonkings off them.

Tanah Burung beat the Druids twice in qualifying last time around. However, this time, things could be different. “They were the only side we didn’t manage a draw against lest qualifying,” said Welsh, “so we will be desperate to prove to the Crocodiles that we aren’t pushovers anymore.” However, they are similarly aware of the change in Druid football, and will be ready when they come to face the Druids, especially considering the team of clones that are likely to be fielded. Again, DSD expect the Crocodiles to be challenging at the top of the group, and the Druids will do well to get the draw that they long for against the Cloned Crocs.

“Svecia are an interesting one” was how Welsh put it to us. “They are nowhere near as good as they were in days of yore, but are liable to spring a surprise. Hopefully not against us, though.” DSD agree more with Welsh here, and predict a win and a loss against the former big boys.

“SterlingIce? I thought they were a hockey team?” When we told Welsh they played football too, and were actually quite good, he just said, “Well, we’ll see about that.” With such an attitude to the opposition, DSD feel that SterlingIce will be a trickier proposition than they otherwise would be. In fact, if the Druids get more than three points, they will have done well.

The Redavic Union, True Yorkshire and Dokett are all new to the World Cup. Though little is known about all three, Welsh is again brimming with confidence. “They’re new boys, and will be raring to go, but so will we. We need to prove that we’ve moved on from that level, and hopefully we will do just that.” DSD think that the Druids will have the edge over these sides, but there could still be one or two upsets. We think that there will probably be something like a 4-2-0 record for the Druids against the newbies, leaving the Druids with an overall record of 6-2-6. Twenty points would probably not be enough to reach the top three, but will be a significant improvement on the six points earned last time around. But in this game, you never know what’s going to happen…

DRUID FIXTURES – COMING UP…

Matchday 1: v SterlingIce (Parkie Park, Parkville [21,000])
Matchday 2: at The Redavic Union
Matchday 3: v True Yorkshire (Dave’s Shed, Dave [11,500])
Matchday 4: at Dokett
Matchday 5: v Tanah Burung (Albion Arena, Cefn [27,600])
Matchday 6: at Svecia
Matchday 7: v Halfassedstates (The Hole, Mawr [76,000])
Matchday 8: at SterlingIce
Matchday 9: v The Redavic Union (The Hole)
Matchday 10: at True Yorkshire
Matchday 11: v Dokett (The Hole)
Matchday 12: at Tanah Burung (Tiga Burung Stadium*)
Matchday 13: v Svecia (The Hole)
Matchday 14: at Halfassedstates (The City of Whogivesa Stadium, Whogivesa)

*Expected location

World Cup 5
Qualification
Group 3
Ariddia 2 The Belmore Family 2
Bedistan 1 The Belmore Family 2
Deskreich 1 The Belmore Family 1
Gesamtkuntswerk 2 The Belmore Family 1 (My first ever loss, but I was still 4th with an equal goal difference.)
Svecia 3 The Belmore Family 1(Uh-oh 2 losses in a row)
Nova Empyrea 4 The Belmore Family 1(Ouch down to 5th. But this as to be my last loss for a long time!)
Raidion 2 The Belmore Family 3
Won: 2
Lost: 3
Drawn: 2
For:11
Against: 15
Group 3 looked like this

[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Group 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
Svecia 7 6 0 1 23 8 +15 18
Gesamtkuntswerk 7 5 1 1 13 10 +3 16
Ariddia 7 4 2 1 17 10 +7 14
Bedistan 7 2 3 2 10 10 0 9
The Belmore Family 7 2 2 3 11 15 -4 8
Nova Empyrea 7 1 3 3 9 13 -4 5
Deskreich 7 0 3 4 8 17 -9 3
Raidion 7 0 2 6 9 18 -9 2
[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]


World Cup 6(I'm going to like this one)
Qualification
The Belmore Family 4 Futililia 2
Pure Evil 1 The Belmore Family 4
Nevershadow 1 The Belmore Family 3 (3 out of 3)
The Belmore Family 2 VA Industrialized 1
Tha Machine 0 The Belmore Family 4 (5 out of 5...rumours of bribery begin for me and Quohog)
The Belmore Family 1 Lunatic Goofballs 0
Communation 1 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 4 Futililia 0 (8 out of 8)
Pure Evil 2 The Belmore Family 3(The big complainer loses to me twice)
Nevershadow 2 The Belmore Family 1(Nooooooo... a loss. But I didn't care, I was through)

"BELMORE FAMILY LOSE!"

the lowly Nevershadow have handed TBF their first loss of the campaign with a 2-1 defeat of the corrupted rastards

Tha Machine 2 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 1 Lunatic Goofballs 2 (Ouch another loss)
Communation 1 The Belmore Family 3(A win to round off an excellent qualifcation)
The Belmore Family 3 VA Industrialized 1 (Ahhh... much better)
Group 4 looked like this
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Group 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Belmore Family (47) 14 11 1 2 37 16 +21 34
Lunatic Goofballs (11) 14 9 1 4 29 16 +13 28
Nevershadow 14 6 3 5 24 25 -1 21
Pure Evil (22) 14 6 2 6 25 23 +2 20
Futililia 14 5 2 7 23 30 -7 17
VA Industrialized 14 4 3 7 21 30 -9 15
Communation 14 4 2 8 27 34 -7 14
Tha Machine 14 2 4 8 21 33 -12 10
[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

Top 10 qualifiers
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Team Name G W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Quohog (25) 14 12 0 2 41 14 +27 36
2 The Belmore Family (47) 14 11 1 2 37 16 +21 34
3 Oglethorpia (13) 14 10 4 0 35 14 +21 34
4 One Red Dot (30) 14 9 4 1 27 12 +15 31
5 Copiosa Scotia (50) 14 10 1 3 34 21 +13 31
6 Halfassedstates (49) 14 9 3 2 33 14 +19 30
7 Malundar 14 9 3 2 32 19 +13 30
8 Runaway Moose (12) 14 9 2 3 22 12 +10 29
9 Audioslavia (40) 14 8 4 2 34 19 +15 28
10 Lunatic Goofballs (11) 14 9 1 4 29 16 +13 28
[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
1st Round
Group B
Snub Nose 38 2 The Belmore Family 1 (Not a good start)
Total and Utter Insanity 2 The Belmore Family 1 (Getting Worse)
The Belmore Family 2 - Malundar 2(Dreadful)
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Total N Utter Insanity 3 3 0 0 7 3 +4 9
Snub Nose 38 3 2 0 1 6 6 0 6
Malundar 3 0 1 2 6 8 -2 1
The Belmore Family 3 0 1 2 5 7 -2 1
[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Total 17
Wins 11
Losses 3
Draws 3
For:42
Agianst:23

World Cup 7
Qualification
Group 10
The Belmore Family 0 Quohog 3 (Not a good start)
Dyelli Beybi 2 The Belmore Family 3 (Good)
New-Persia 1 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 6 The Weegies 1
The Belmore Family 3 Fart wars 0
Quohog 2 The Belmore Family 1 (DOH!)
The Weegies 1-3 The Belmore Family
Fart wars 2 The Belmore Family 1
The Belmore Family 4 Dyelli Beybi 0

Won 7
Drawn 0
Lost 3


Group 10 looked like this
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]Group 10 P W D L F A GD Pts
Quohog 10 100 0 35 2 33 30
The Belmore Family 10 7 0 3 28 13 15 21
Dyelli Beybi 10 4 0 6 14 17 -3 12
The Weegies 10 2 2 6 13 26 -13 8
New-Persia 10 2 2 6 11 26 -15 8
Fart wars 10 2 2 6 10 27 -17 8 [/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

1st Round
Lemmitania 3 The Belmore Family 4(YAHOO, I've a glorius victory)
Svecia 3 The Belmore Family 0(Ouch, all I need, however is a win against Giant Zucchini to go through)
The Belmore Family 4 Giant Zucchini 3 (Yes, my first trip to the second round)
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]Team P W D L GF GA GD PTS
Svecia 3 2 0 1 8 3 +5 6
The Belmore Family3 2 0 1 8 9 -1 6
Lemmitania 3 1 0 2 7 7 0 3
Giant Zucchini 3 1 0 2 6 8 -2 3 [/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

2nd Round
Halfassedstates 2 The Belmore Family 1(There goes my best cup run ever)

Total
Won 9
Drawn 0
Lost 4
For:37
Against:23

World Cup 8
Qualification
Group 7
The Belmore Family 1 Zinkoland 1 (Hmm.... not looking to good)
Jadonopolos 1 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 0 Keyshona 0 (still, no loss)
Jacktazea 0 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 2 Tanah Burung 2
Zinkoland 0 The Belmore Family 0
The Belmore Family 1 Jadonopolos 0 (Wow, this is great, 7 matches without a loss)
Keyshona 1 The Belmore Family 3(8 now)
The Belmore Family 2 Jacktazea 1 (9 matches without a loss, can I have a perfect qualifing)
Tanah Burung 1 The Belmore Family 1(Yes, 10 matches without a loss)

Won 5
Drawn 5
Lost 0

After 10 matches, this is what the table looked like.
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]Group 7 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Belmore Family (15) 10 5 5 0 15 8 +7 20
Jacktazea (50) 10 5 2 3 19 14 +5 17
Tanah Burung (27) 10 4 4 2 18 12 +6 16
Keyshona 10 4 2 4 17 20 -3 14
Jadonopolos 10 2 2 6 15 23 -8 8
Zinkoland 10 1 3 6 12 19 -7 6[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

1st Round
Group H
Bullonien 2 The Belmore Family 2(Now 11 matches)
Halfassedstates 1 The Belmore Family 1 (12 and I need a win to go through)
The Belmore Family 3 Audioslavia 2 (13 matches without a loss)

Table after the 1st Round
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7]Group H P W D L F A GD Pts
The Belmore Family (15) 3 1 2 0 6 5 +1 5
Halfassedstates (8) 3 1 2 0 4 3 +1 5
Audioslavia (13) 3 1 0 2 6 6 0 3
Bullonien (65) 3 0 2 1 4 6 -2 2[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

2nd Round
Liverpool England 1 The Belmore Family 0 (DOH, my first loss in 14 matches and the first time I have not improved the place where I have been kicked out.)

Total 14
Won 6
Drawn 7
Lost 1
For:21
Against:14

World Cup 9
Qualification
Group 1
One Red Dot 0 0 The Belmore Family
Kaze Progressa 2 0 The Belmore Family
The Belmore Family 1 3 Liverpool England (Ouch, 2 losses)
The Belmore Family 2 0 Soviet Haaregard
Zeronia 0 2 The Belmore Family
The Belmore Family 1 0 God Squad
Kegarna 0 3 The Belmore Family (Much better now, 4 wins on the trot)
The Belmore Family 2 2 One Red Dot
The Belmore Family 0 0 Kaze Progressa
Liverpool England 1 2 The Belmore Family (Finally revenge)
Soviet Haaregard 0 2 The Belmore Family (Despite the 2-0 win things aren’t looking to good at this point)
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7] Group 1 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Liverpool England (1) 11 9 1 1 23 8 15 28
One Red Dot (29) 11 7 3 1 18 8 10 24
Kaze Progressa (59) 11 7 2 2 18 10 8 23
The Belmore Family (13) 11 6 3 2 15 8 7 21
Soviet Haaregrad 11 3 1 7 6 15 -9 10 X
Kegarna 11 2 2 7 7 19 -12 8 X
God Squad (42) 11 2 1 8 9 18 -9 7 X
Zeronia (79) 11 1 1 9 6 16 -10 4 X[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
We needed 3 more points than Kaze Progressa or 4 more points than ORD. The situation was ight. But luck was on our hands. The last 3 games for ORD, LE and KP were all against each other and Soviet Haargrad. We had much easier matches.

The Belmore Family 3 1 Zeronia
God Squad 1 3 The Belmore Family (Great news for us, a draw would put us through)
The Belmore Family 3 1 Kegarna(We’d done it, we were going to Ravenspire & Europa Britannia)
Group 1 looked like this
[code:1:93e8cfb8a7] Group 1 P W D L GF GA GD Pts E
Liverpool England (1) 14 11 1 2 28 10 18 34
The Belmore Family (13) 14 9 3 2 24 11 13 30
Kaze Progressa (59) 14 9 2 3 21 13 8 29
One Red Dot (29) 14 8 4 2 22 13 9 28 X
God Squad (42) 14 3 2 9 14 24 -10 11 X
Soviet Haaregrad 14 3 2 9 8 19 -11 11 X
Zeronia (79) 14 2 2 10 11 21 -10 8 X
Kegarna 14 2 2 10 11 28 -17 8 X[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]
Due to the quality of group 1, despite beng second in our group, we still managed 4th best qualifying record.

1st Round
The Belmore Family 2 1 Audioslavia
The Belmore Family 1 0 Nikea
Oglethorpia 1 0 The Belmore Family

Group E looked like this

[code:1:93e8cfb8a7] Oglethorpia (10) 3 2 1 0 5 1 4 7
The Belmore Family (13) 3 2 0 1 3 2 1 6
Audioslavia (18) 3 1 1 1 3 3 0 4
Nikea (44) 3 0 0 3 0 5 -5 0[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

Second Round
Squornshelous 1 3 The Belmore Family(Our first ever time past the second round)

Quarter Finals
Bedistan 4 0 The Belmore Family (My best ever run, but worst ever loss)

Total: 19
Won: 12
Drawn:3
Lost:4
For:30
Against:18

World Cup 10
Qualification
Group 4
Gesamtkuntswerk 1 The Belmore Family 3
The Belmore Family 0 Timway 1 (Nooooooooo…)
Nadaskor 0 The Belmore Family 3 (Yey! Back to winning ways)
The Belmore Family 4 Great Boogie 0 (7 goals in 2 matches!)
The most holy Kesler 0 The Belmore Family 0 (7 goals in 3 matches...)
The Belmore Family 5 Monotonous Monarchy 0 (12 goals in 4 matches)
CallMeBernard 2 The Belmore Family 1 (Doh!)
The Belmore Family 2 Antaeus Rising 1 (Hehe, almost as good as good as beating TnUI himself)
The Belmore Family 1 Gesamtkuntswerk 1
Timway 1 The Belmore Family 4 (Never beat me again Timway, OK!)
The Belmore Family 1 Nadaskor 0
Great Boogie 2 The Belmore Family 3 (5 matches without a loss)
The Belmore Family 1 The most holy Kesler 1(What is it with this guy?)
Monotonous Monarchy 0 The Belmore Family 0 (5-0 to 0-0 doh!)
The Belmore Family 2 CallMeBernard 1
Antaeus Rising 3 The Belmore Family 2 (Noooooo)
Wins: 9
Draws: 4
Lost: 3
For:32
Against:14
1st Round
Group G
Europa Brittania 1 The Belmore Family 2 (Wow, victorius over ex-champs)
The Belmore Family 2 NASTIC (2) 0 (Through)
The Belmore Family 0 Oddslavo 1 (doh!)
2nd Round
The Belmore Family 2 Ravenspire 1 (*Does a little dance*)
Quarter Finals
The Belmore Family 0 Lemmitania 1 (So, there it ends. In the quarter finals again)
Wins: 12
Draws:4
Lost:5
For:38
Against:18

World Cup 11

Qualification
Group 12
The Belmore Family 2 Ptolomy 0 (Good Start)
Cermania 0 The Belmore Family 0
God Squad 0 The Belmore Family 2 (Yey, beat my mate)
Vozvyshennost 0 The Belmore Family 2
The Belmore Family 1 Kerla 0
Pavesia 0 The Belmore Family 1
The Belmore Family 2 Blood Devourers 0 (W00t, 7 games without a goal conceeded)
Ptolomy 1 The Belmore Family 3
The Belmore Family 3 Cermania 0
The Belmore Family 0 God Squad 1 (My fist loss had to be to God Squad, didn't it!)
The Belmore Family 0 Vozvyshennost 1
Kerla 1 The Belmore Family 3
The Belmore Family 0 Pavesia 1
Blood Devourers 1 The Belmore Family 2(Safely Top)

1st Round
Group C
Snub Nose 38 2 The Belmore Family 0 (Noooo...)
The Belmore Family 4 Kaze Progressa 1 (Yes! What a result.)
The Belmore Family 1 East Spaam 1 (A draw with the ol' enemy)

2nd Round
Aquilla 0 The Belmore Family 3 (Somehow I became instantly popular)

Quarter Finals
The Belmore Family 0 Warnocks Wizards 1 (Oh, Well, We'll be backin world Cup 12)


Best Streak:13 matches without a loss
Worst Streak:5 matches without a win
Most Goals for in one match:6
Most Goals away in one match:4
Least Goals for in one match:0
Least Goals away in one match:0

[code:1:93e8cfb8a7] Totals
Matches 110
Won 64
Drawn 22
Lost 24
For 208
Against 122
Goal Difference 86
Goals For Average 1.89
Goals Against Average 1.11
Win Percentage 58.2
Loss Percentage 21.8
Points 214
Points Per Game 1.95[/code:1:93e8cfb8a7]

Mike the barman is on the phone… “And they will… OK… Oh, that’s great… fantastic… OK, see you later, lads… bye.”

Chris: “Who was that?”

Mike the barman: “It was Rammi Steakpie and Ricos Manfriday. They said that they could get us some kits from their club for free. Save us a packet, won’t it.”

Geoff: “Great!”

Mick: “So what colour do they wear?”

Mike the barman: “Well here’s the clever bit, they play in a colour no-one else plays in, so chances are we won’t have to shell out for an away kit either.”

Mick: “So what colour is that, then?”

Mike the barman: “Pink.”

Mick: “PINK!”

Mike the barman: “With orange shorts and purple socks.”

Mick: “You can forget it! I’m not wearing that!”

Mike the barman: “But just think how much money we’ll save each.”

Mick: “How much?”

Mike: “About a hundred pints.”

Mick: “Well why didn’t you say so? Get them here as quich as you can then!”

*And so with that, The Master Cooper’s kit was officially declared as the pink shirts, orange shorts and purple socks of Cefn (Eastern) League team Zobordi Cefn.*

Crowds cheered and started chanting “We’re #1!” repeatedly. They ignored the comments of informed sportsters who tried to explain that this was merely a designation for the combination of teams that The Indigo Islands would be playing and they would still have to play (and most likely lose) the actual football matches. The reply to the information was a swift beating before the crowd continued the “We’re #1!” chant.

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Manager Ufwurz the Furious Looking Forward to World Cup 12 Group Qualifiers

From our news services...

Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–After successfully co-hosting World Cup 11 and failing to lift the Cup at the final battle, the National Team is set to embark on another quest: qualification for World Cup 12. The groups have been drawn and the Red and White Wizards, now ranked third in the world, are favoured among those in Group 3. Warnocks Wizards will be competing with old friends Snub Nose 38, veteran footballing nations Timway and Defari, and four World Cup qualifying debutantes: Northern Wastestan, Hash n Beans, Sacco and Vanzetti, and Stalag 5.

Joining me during a lull in preparations for the opening match against the always entertaining Snub Nose 38 at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom, Manager Ufwurz the Furious briefly sat down with this reporter and looked ahead to the campaign facing his side.

Bazgash the Sly: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me prior to the start of qualification. I think I speak for everyone in the Enlightened Empire for congratulating you on leading the Red and White Wizards to the World Cup Final on Mount Doom.

Ufwurz the Furious: Thank you, Bazzie. The lads deserve all the credit. We faced some very good opposition. I was proud to see us take our chances and battle for the Cup at Fortress Warnock. Let’s hope we can carry over the good form in trying to qualify for Krazed Lemmings.

Bazgash the Sly: Before we look at the schedule that lays ahead of you and the boys, have you made any significant changes to the squad that you will use in qualification?

Ufwurz the Furious: We are making three changes to the squad we used during World Cup 11. Poor old Krumsnak the Sneaky has grown weary of dragging his zimmer frame around the pitch and has once again announced his playing retirement from the national team. In his place, I’ve decided to bring in Burzhak the Rough from Bree Town. Burzhak, while a little rough around the edges, is one of those players that does the simple things well: get out of bed and actually make it to practice on time. We expect hard work from him. Youngster Ufsnik the Virtuoso has had to drop out of the squad as he will be sitting for his eighteen-month long Wizard exams during qualification. I hope he’s had adequate rest for them, they are quite grueling. In his stead, we’ve brought in Mirkwood Spider midfielder and winger Shaglakh the Spitter. While Shaglakh is known domestically for his skill and pace, he is also known to suffer from dry mouth, which can inhibit one’s game at the international level. Let’s hope he ingests the proper amount of fluids prior to gametime. Finally, Globdreg the Destroyer has decided to hang up his boots and Uruk’Hai scimitar and has retired from the game. Replacing him is deadly Mordor United attacker Mornakh the Bloody-handed. Mornakh is best known for his continued failed attempts to convince the Wizards court to change his surname, although I hear the High Bench may grant him the ability to call himself Mornakh the Bloody-minded.


Bazgash the Sly: You mention that Krumsnak and Globdreg have announced their retirements from the game, yet I notice they still have a role to play in the national team setup...

Ufwurz the Furious: Correct. They have joined me as assistants. Former assistants Gutkrut the Wretched and Bazzag the Wicked decided they have tired of sitting next to me on the bench. It may have something to do with their doctors advising them to quit the team to prevent any further permanent damage to their hearing. Or so they babbled to me...

Bazgash the Sly: Let’s now discuss the group draw. The Red and White Wizards are the favourites in Group 3 and have been drawn with Snub Nose 38, Timway, Defari, Northern Wastestan, Hash n Beans, Sacco and Vanzetti, and Stalag 5. Your thoughts on the group?

Ufwurz the Furious: Well, for the first time we find ourselves in a position where we are favoured to advance from the group, so it will be interesting to see how the lads cope with the increased expectations. For our part, the management team approaches each match in the same manner, so the team’s approach should not nor will not change. As for our opponents, we are obviously quite familiar with Snub Nose 38, having faced them in World Cup 9 qualifying. As I recall, we split the two matches with the Noses. The first was that horrendous loss at Sten, 5-2...I believe, Bazzie, you remember that one well. “Mediagate” was it?

Bazgash the Sly: [mumbling] The less said about that, the better...[clears throat] Anyway, the investigation cleared my report...

Ufwurz the Furious: Indeed. At any rate, the football team recovered as well and defeated the Hooligans 1-0 at Fortress Warnock. Although, let’s not forget, Snub Nose 38 qualified ahead of us on goal differential in that tournament. Let’s hope chilled mango is back on the menu for our matches against them this time around.

Bazgash the Sly: Your thoughts on the two other ranked nations in the group: Timway and Defari?

Ufwurz the Furious: We faced the Timwasians at the Empress Supercup in Tranquillitis. As I recall through a flu-induced haze, we battled to a 1-1 draw at the Eriksberg Stadium. I expect our matches with them in this campaign will also be tight-knit affairs. Defari, conversely, we know little about, having never faced them before. However, our scouts warn us they are a solid side and are well capable of an upset, so we will have to be at our best to defeat them.

Bazgash the Sly: And the four debutantes: Northern Wastestan, Hash n Beans, Sacco and Vanzetti, and Stalag 5?

Ufwurz the Furious: As for the others, it is difficult to project. One thing you can guarantee when you face a new side to World Cup competition: they always play each match like it’s a cup final. Each and every match will be a test for our lads. I think they just may have the skill, experience, and fortitude to qualify for the World Cup.

Bazgash the Sly: Well, that’s wonderful. Thank you for your time, Ufwurz. Good luck in World Cup qualifying.

Qualifying Group 3:
#3 Warnocks Wizards
#17 Snub Nose 38
#35 Timway
#52 Defari
Hash n Beans
Northern Wastestan
Sacco and Vanzetti
Stalag 5

[code:1:e668119dd7]
Warnocks Wizards World Cup 12 Qualifying Schedule

Day 1: v #17 Snub Nose 38 Day 8: @ #17 Snub Nose 38
Day 2: @ Hash n Beans Day 9: v Hash n Beans
Day 3: v #35 Timway Day 10: @ #35 Timway
Day 4: v Sacco and Vanzetti Day 11: @ Sacco and Vanzetti
Day 5: @ Northern Wastestan Day 12: v Northern Wastestan
Day 6: @ Stalag 5 Day 13: v Stalag 5
Day 7: v #52 Defari Day 14: @ #52 Defari
[/code:1:e668119dd7]

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network
Evisceratomatoes good? Of course!!!

ARCHY FERDINAND:
Hey all you evisceratomato-lovers.

I'm Archy Ferdinand, or Franz as some of my friends call me -- and i'm the new Wonderteam defender.

We all remember the ESE scare 4 years ago - well, with all evisceratomatoes grown right here, you won't ever have to worry about eating a bad evisceratomato from East Spa- Canada again!

That's right, we've closed off all trade with Canada -- those dirty Canucks having spawned the foul ESE-infected evisceratomatoes that caused us so much trouble.

But even with the demonic Canadian trade shut down, the government still asserts that it will go to further lengths to protect the public from the evils of mad evisceratomato.

Mad evisceratomato's setup to stem from another source -- the Free Vegetable Patch of Evisceratomatoes! Of mad evisceratomoes is what they should call it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Oglethorpia and it's fine evisceratomato trade have two mortal enemies -- the blasphemist mad evisceratomatoes spawned from the pits of hell in Canada by 'farmers,' and that heathen Nate E. Visser -- turning his lovely sentient evisceratomatoes mad, filling them with anti-Tanah Burung propaganda!

Yes, I assure you, we shall declare HOLY WAR on the Free Vegetable Patch of Evisceratomatoes and rid the world of that plague once and for a-

[We apologize -- the BBN is currently suffering technical difficulties.]

[BBN interface feed transition: Archy Ferdinand > Evisceratomato Commercial]

[Cartoony embodiment of a sentient evisceratomato comes onto the screen.]

Don't be late
They're really great

Evisceratomatoes demand to be ate

ROBOTIC MONOTONE VOICE:
Evisceratomatoes are engineered to supplement your puny human body's nutritional and homeostatical requirements -- they can be procured at your nearby Consolidated FoodMart, a mere 4.7111 miles away from your present location.

Odds on selected matches for the first day of qualifying have been posted. (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2727974#2727974)

-Moe Lemsler
Host, Betting Line Weekly

Don't be late
They're really great

Evisceratomatoes demand to be ate

Heh heh.

Demonic Canada? Damn you, Oglethorpia! (shakes fist angrily at the border) :wink:

As election fever gripped at least twelve people in Tanah Burung, a crowd of 150,000 people gathered to see Bi Kikere release the names of the next two Dessicated Clones. Joining Ab Francisco will be Syahnun[/i], the enigmatic desert nomad who plotted the Tanah Burung offence back in World Cup 2 from his midfield position, and [b]David Cavaco, a second striker who, like Fransisco, hails from a small village in the Burung Paradis jungles. Well, his namesake hails from a small village. This one hails from the Cloning Labs at the University of Warm Embrace. But he's seen the rainforest. He thought it was very pretty. The kind of place that Druids might enjoy visiting.

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Archduk- Archy ruffles feathers
Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network issues official apology.

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Following the failure that was Archy Ferdinand's pro-evisceratomato advert, the Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network has ceased showing re-runs of past evisceratomato spots featuring Wonderteam players -- and has no plans to make any new ones. Finally, the BBN has issued a lengthy apology to the Oglethorpian public and the Free Vegetable Patch of Evisceratomatoes for Archy Ferdinand's outburst claiming that "the government would stamp them out as a mad evisceratomato threat."

"You just can't say that stuff," said Bureaucratized Media CEO Bill Black. "I mean, Ferdinand's probably pissed off those sentient vegetables pretty bad -- I wouldn't be surprised if they took a shot at the guy. But hey, that's just my two cents."

As stated before, the BBN has announced no plans to film any further evisceratomato adverts with Wonderteam players -- and officials have said no more commercials will feature Archy Ferdinand.

"After that stunt," said one publicist, "it's fair to say his television career is done."

When finally reached for comment, Archy Ferdinand's apology was composed of a scant "i'm sorry."

The government, in addition to Bureaucratized Media has made numerous formal apologies for Ferdinand's statements. Rumours state that the gov't has even offered Ferdinand up for peace, but Bureaucratic States representatives refused to comment.

The ESE scare may be over, but the evisceratomato saga drones on and on.

Out and About Lemmitania (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2728540#2728540), your travel guide to the World Cup cities... episode 1.

CHFF Unveils New Commerce Heights Bulldogs Uniforms For 20th Year of International Competition
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - 20 years ago to the day, an unheard-of soccer team wearing the red and blue of Commerce Heights nearly knocked off the #54 team in the world in the nearly-completed Maxisoft Stadium. Tommorrow, they will face #9 One Red Dot in National Stadium, with only a 6-rank handicap and favored 5-3 in Lemmitania. In memory of that team that played this day in 17 CHE, and of how far that the nation's soccer programs have come, the Commerce Heights Footballing Federation released its design for a new Commerce Heights Bulldogs Uniform, which can be found by entering the following code into your PariMedia NetFinder 37 system: 6873EC3FFEA11C75 (http://www.thirdgeek.com/chbulldogswc12.png) When asked what the large numbers of stars were supposed to represent, the CHFF VP replied that the stars around the collar represented World Cup qualifiers played in, the stars on the front represent goals scored, and the stars on the back represent games played.

- ...Yes, that's right - bicycles.
- *********
- About one hundred, I should think.
- ***** :!: *****
- Because it's in Lemmitania, of course.
- ******** :?: **
- What have we been talking about? World Cup 12, pinhead.
- ******
- Because they have no cars. Bicycles are the only way to get around. And make absolutely sure the hotel reservation is close to the stadium.
- ********
- Yes, a hundred. And fifty of those need to be the tricycle kind - you know, three wheels and a big basket.
- *******
- To get the equipment around from place to place.
- ************
- If we wind up in Kaze Progressa? Well...then we probably won't need the bikes. But if we wind up in Lemmitania without bicycles, I will personally remove your spleen without benefit of anesthesia.
- ****
- Thank you.

HSMG Newsflash:
Halfassedstates issue protest over TB's clone team

With the recent news that TB scientists have created another two footballing clones, the HFA chairman Peter Parks has joined a growing group of dissenters who object to this development.
"It is disgusting and morally wrong. They are messing with something that should be left alone. It was not intended for man to meddle in these matters. I think the WCC should investigate this matter and ban these things from ever playing International football. Its a disgrace!"

Halfassed manager Jarvis Smith added, "It's hardly going to make football a fair competition is it? I mean if a rich nation has developed this kind of technology then the will just have to collect DNA from the best players in the world and bang you have an unbeatable team - hows that fair? All of the poorer nations and those who choose not to develop this terrible technology will lose out to these unscrupulous people."

When one reporter mentioned that King Jimmy had recently approved the work of a genetic surgeon in Whogivesa city, Smith responded, "Yes but thats for curing diseases and such, not to create a super-race of footballers!"


OCC @ TB - just thought we needed to get some rivalry going!

The Green Mile
Episode 1: The Phantom Menace

The team has just returned from training and are now in the dressing room.

Mr Hurr: All right, now the World Cup qualifying groups are out. We’ve got quite a tough group this time.

Paper with qualifying groups passed around

Urk: Eauz again…

Mr Hurr: Actually we have quite a good record against them. It’s Squornshelous I’m worried about.

Kerrnigit: Well, we ever thumped them 4-0, I’m sure we can do it again.

Phoot: But we’ll need to be on the top of our game.

Arnold Jaaskelainen Schwarzenegger: Man, this is the most boring thing I’ve seen in my life…

Cameraman: Shut up, your mike is on.

Oog: AlanShearer?

Mr Hurr: Shouldn’t be a problem…from what I’ve heard, they’ve only got 1 player.

Aargh: That’s good.

Mr Hurr: Alright, now I’m going to announce the team sheet for the Eauz match when they come around. Plaat, you’re in goal. Messerschmittahugengrossenbiggenfattenheineapmudorischeronzonisonobuonioevrepique, you’ll play as right wingback. Zurk, you’ll take left wing back. Faard and Throck will play in front of Plaat. Woog next to Ppakkaddumm in the centre, Machterstrassefurtermorgannachttunggutsprechenbuchlungweighetvolkshvargenshtickshnoff on the right wing and Xcavabar on the left wing. Zonk, you’ll play just behind Yew Sei Biu.

Zonk: Who’s that?

Yew smiles at Zonk

Zonk: Oh, there you are. How are you?

Yew smiles at Zonk

Zonk: You speaka in English?

Yew smiles at Zonk

Zonk: Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?

Yew smiles at Zonk

Zonk: I have a bad feeling…

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour

heh, nice one GZ, you just reminded me i've yet to finish off 'Escape to Slavery' :) (i was gonna wait to see if we got drawn with TnUI in the qualifiers, ah well :))

so anyway:

Escape To Slavery
Part III, another slow bit before a good bit

flashback:
http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/audioslavia.jpg Vs http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/total_n_utter_jackass.jpg


Lee: If only we could get out with our football skills.....

Zack: man.. man thats an idea.... we could.... we could....

Lee: Zack youre forgetting... were Audioslavian.. we suck at football

Zack: dude... we wouldnt need to win the game, we'd just need to play the game...

Jeremy: hmm.... i think i see what your getting at...

Lee: what? wha? hey... explain....

Zack: well....

A TnUJ guard hangs around outside the PoWC camp, smoking a Marlboro and reading the 'Jackassian Journal'. He hears the roaring of a truck's engine as it traverses the bumpy ground towards the camp. Its the Audioslavian prisoners, back from another days work. The guard opens the gate and the truck rolls through, coming to a halt a few yards away.

He watches as the driver gets out and opens the back doors of the truck, pointing a gun inside, and beckoning for its inhabitants to get out. The driver looks a little jumpy and a little hasty, and as the Audioslavians pile out of the truck, the driver quickly hops over to the guard. A few words are exchanged, and the guard smiles and nods, before making some gestures with his hand, as if he's giving the man directions. The driver says 'cheers' and hops away.

The TnUJan guard strolls over to the players. They all know the drill and line up against the wall. Zack De La Rocha catches the guards eye with a disconcerting look. The guard approaches Zack, who backs away slightly. It is as the guard moves in closer that he sees a desperate, but tired look on Zack's face.

Guard: hey... whats up with you...

Zack: ...

Guard: hey its ok, i aint gonna kill you, your driver's gone for a slash anyway

Zack: heh... hey.. man...

Guard: Dont get to pally tho man, theres security cameras around

Zack: ok man...

Guard (looking down at Zack's dirty overalls): yeah well... see you later

Zack: ok man...... hey....

Guard (turning round): yeah?

Zack: could i bum a cigarette off you man?

[i]The guard hands Zack a smoke and lights it for him

Zack: cheers man... and... one other thing...

Guard: yeah?

Zack: how long is the driver dude gonna be on the toilet?

Guard: he said he had the squits, and the toilets on the other side of the compound, so i'd say about half-an-hour.

Zack: thats long enough.... can i ask you something?

Guard: what?

Zack: we're like... really bored... and we were wondering if we could play some sort of TnUJ team at football, just for a bit of fun and stuff... i mean... itd be good for TnUJan propaganda if you beat us... you know...

Guard: hmm.... tell me more Zack...

Zack explains to him about his idea. The remaining Audioslavian players would give TnUJ a game of football, just so the 'slaves can get a bit of practice and have a bit of fun, and so TnUJ can maybe get an important win. The guard, going by name name of 'Kev' says he'll have a word with a few people.

The driver comes back and pokes his gun into one of the 'slaves arms. The 'slaves are marched back into the barracks, leaving the Kev to stew over the idea.

[i]To Be Continued...





Films/TV Progs ripped off
Pulp Fiction
Leon
The Matrix
Braveheart
Die Hard
Speed 2
Escape To Victory
The Italian Job
The Great Escape
South Park
Spaceballs

Book Plagiarisms
Nineteen-Eighty Four
Metamorphosis
The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy

Songs ripped off
RATM - Beautiful World (originally by Devo)
The Animals - We gotta get out of this place

RPs ripped off
GZ's world cup RPs

Nest National Network

"The Eagle's Nest's National Team has left Nest airspace on their way to Brazillico for their first ever World Cup match. A crowd of about 25,000 came out to Ashallond Memorial Airport to see them off.

The coach was asked about the chances of a tie or win against this powerhouse. "Well, we'll try our best, and that is all you can ask us to do."

Fans wishing to watch the match are advised to make sure that all travel arrangements are resolved quickly and that your passports are in order."

"...but the priest claimed that if he hadn't waved it in front of the boy's face, the boy would never see his beloved rabbit Boinker in bunny heaven."

"Today, a man in Mackintosh recently drowned in an internet café. How? Becuase he was an avid football fan, that's why. Poring over official FIFA statistics, Kenneth McLeod, aged 32, accidently hit the "print" key, sending tens of thousands of pages of pointless statistics on his favourite national side, The Belmore Family, pouring over him, smothering him, and finally suffocating him after a few minutes of frantic employees trying to get him out."

Cut to employee.

"There was just, like too many of them. We tried to drag him away, but the sheer outflow of Belmorian Statistics nearly killed us, never mind him."

Cut back to studio.

"His wife, Mary McLeod, is now sueing The Belmore Family for causing her husband's death."

Cut to wife.

"Is there no end to this? If The Belmore Family could have just limited their damn statistics... then my Kenny might be alive and well today. But they couldn't, and he's not. They should pay for robbing my man of the best years of his life!"

Cut back to studio.

"Officials in The Belmore Family have so far refused to comment."

"In a related issue, good luck to our neighbours Sacco & Vanzetti in their first World Cup."

"In other news, armadillos are to be limited in the amount of off-season swimwear they are allowed to wear, in today's ruling..."

WPN - Weegie Press Network Release

I Clone, Therefore I Am.

Weegie scientists have come out with a pronouncement on Tanah Burung's "Dessicated Clones" World Cup team, a collection of their best players cloned to play in a Tanah Burung supersquad, except with the minor difference of a major skin problem.

Except are they as super as they appear? The Federation of Weegie Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors and Other Mental Welfare Workers claim otherwise.

Dr Don Giovanni, psychologist: "The way we interact with this world is all to do with our mental as well as our physical upbringing. A single event in a person's psychological profile could have set up their entire view on life from that moment. These clones have not had the same upbringing as their original counterparts, and so may develop spectacularly different personalities, views, maybe even in physical presence. They will not be the same as those star footballers, I can tell you that."

Dr Giovanni was vindicated when scientists in The Weegies cloned Vincent Van Gogh.

Dr Meridith Holly: "We cloned him, grew him, and... his pictures were crap. He couldn't paint at all Apparently it's because he wasn't shouted at by his father when he was 4."

"Oh, and we'll let the Tanah Burung lot look at our technology, since there's seems to give the clones really bad excema."

"Or maybe we'll just send them over some skin lotion, who knows?"

HSMG Newsflash:
Halfassedstates issue protest over TB's clone team

OCC @ TB - just thought we needed to get some rivalry going!

Not at all, clones probably should be banned. But my WCC rep has been cloned already, so he wouldn't be voting that way!

--- news conference, Tiga Burung ---

Bi Kikere was furious. "How dare they? They've got a nerve, more than many of my new players anyway. I'm amazed they could be arsed to even issue a protest, they must really be afraid of us."

She spit into a nearby bowl. "And look, as Weegies Press has pointed out, these are not the same players. We tried these Clones out in the first two matches of th Founding Nations Cup and got walloped. It's training as well as genetics that make a good footballer. But they have been training hard ever since and i'm confident that the Dessicated Clones are now one of the teams to beat.

"So without further ado, i would like to announce the next Dessicated Clone. This Clone is Matan Ruak, a defender who coached the Crocodiles back when i was a player in World Cups 2 through 4. Before that, he was reckoned a pretty damn good footballer. I'm sure he can kick a few half asses in upcoming play. Also on defence will be a clone of our all-star attacking defender Rosa Bibere. She'll be kicking the other half."

She starts to leave the room. "What? You know i never answer questions!"

HSMG news @ 6

Parks complaint hits nerve!

As reported earlier to-day the HFA chairman Peter Parks has issued a protest over the propect of Group 5 opponents Tanah Burung fielding cloned played in the upcoming WC games.

In a hastily prepared press-conference, TB coach, Bi Kikere responded with derision to Halfassed's complaints, as two further clowns .. sorry clones were revealed to the press.

Halfassed manager Jarvis Smith was unable to be reached for comment, he is at the team training camp finalising the squad for the upcoming games, however it is believed that Mr.Parks has a few ideas on how to cope with the clown .. sorry sorry Clone menace, although he would not be drawn on the matter when interviewed after the press conference earlier to-day.

Former Halfassed captain Ree King has also joined the debate argueing that this is setting a dangerous precident for world football, but also voicing is concerns over the tention that is building up between the two top seeds in the group. "It can be a good thing to dislike your opponents, as it usually makes for a better, more competitive game, but sometimes things can go too far, and I think Bi's (Kikere) comments have over stepped the mark." Ree continued, "I know if I was one of the Halfassed players going onto the pitch for that game, I would be going in with two things on my mind - 1 to win obviously but 2 to cause as many opponents as much damage as I legally could, and then some!"
When asked if that was not exactly the kind of inflammitory remark he thought was causing the tension to increase Ree replied, "Not really, I mean I was only ever cautioned twice in my career, if Bi had said it however, I suppose it could come across that way as every one knows what a hot-head Bi is!"


In other footballing news, the transfer of Robin Sherwood from cash-strapped Forest to Rentuck Rovers of Giant Zucchini was confirmed to-day. The youngster becomes the second Halfassed striker to leave the HFL to persue his career overseas after Freddy Crewgars move to Orean Utd almost a decade ago! It is still expected that Sherwood will lead the line for Halfassed in the upcoming qualifiers.

Manager Ben Dover:

"Crocs, Croc Clones, Croc Clowns, Alligators, SWAT Teams, Competitive Piercing Champion Clones, Orcs, whatever. They'll toss 'em in, and we'll eviscerate 'em."

Manager Dover was then dragged away by his assistants, Eileen Dover and Justin Case.

Voiceover: “You’re watching DruidSport. Now, time for sportsline, with Trevor Gubbins…”

*Cue important newsy-sounding music, brought to an abrupt end with the sound of a whistle*

TG: “Good evening, I’m Trevor Gubbins. Tonight…”

Relevant clips shown to show what TG is talking about. “The Druids prepare for World Cup Qualifiers… the NCD Gems grow impatient for another crack at the world crown… and a local newspaper refuses to apologise to Champions League referee.”

Cut back to TG: “But first tonight, the NEWI Cefn Druids football team boarded the plane to take them to their opening qualifying match for World Cup 12 today. Before they got on board, manager Tim Welsh had time for a quick press conference in the airport. Here are a few highlights of what happened.”

PR man: “OK, Tim is ready and willing to take your questions now.”

Reporter 1: “Ian Question-Mark, Daily Druid… Tim Welsh, honestly, how well do you think your team will do in the upcoming campaign?”

TW: “Well, as I’ve said before, we’ve got nothing to fear. Not that I mean that we’re going to win every match, but we should do a darn sight better that last time around.”

IQM: “Any predictions on a final position?”

TW: “Well obviously, we’d like to qualify, and our target is a place in the play-offs. But as long as we show a good account of ourselves, we’ll all eb happy.”

Reporter 2: “Trevor Groater, Parkville Times… Tim, do you think Gareth Erg is ready for international football, even though he’s still only 17?”

TW: “I wouldn’t have picked him if I didn’t. Next question, please.”

Reporter 3: “Trevor Jones, NEWI News…” *Everyone goes silent. NEWI News is now infamous in NCD, as it helped in creating an ESE scare when there was actually nothing to worry about. Its readership slumped by 97% as a result.*

TW: “Sorry, next please…”

Reporter 4: “Huw Trevor, Cefn Bugle… How have you tried to change the morale of the players?”

TW: “Tulips.”

HT: “I’m sorry?”

TW: “Tulips. And marzipan.”

HT: “How have they helped?”

TW: “Well, we put tulips around the changing rooms to make it more colourful. Also, the vases are good for throwing around the place when I’ve run out of teacups.”

HT: “…and the marzipan?”

TW: “How can marzipan not?” *The gathered press nod in agreement, with such comments as ‘he’s got a point, you know coming from them*

PR man: “Any more questions?”

Reporter 5: “Reg Kenneth, NEWI Scientist Magazine… what do you think of the cloning of Tanah Burung’s greatest players to try to bring back the glory days?”

TW: “Well, we don’t think it’s very sporting of them. Cloning isn’t really something we approve of. It is a delicate issue here in Axis of Absurdity, and rest assured that the Cloned Crocs will not get the best of receptions when they play here. But at the same time, clones may well look the same, but the chances are that they won’t behave exactly the same, so it could prove to be a costly miscalculation on their part.”

RK: “Would you consider boycotting the match in protest?”

TW: “No way. As if it wasn’t bad enough losing there 4-0 to their normal team last time, we will be more determined than ever. It’s not just for revenge – it’s for the freedom of our people against elitism. If we boycotted the game, we’d be giving in to them.”

Reporter 6: “Richard Teats, Confectioners’ Monthly… would you be willing to promote marzipan to foreign audiences?”

TW: “Well, I don’t think I’m well known enough yet. As much as it has worked wonders for our team, I’m not sure the climate is right for marzipan right now.”

RT: “But would you be willing to?”

TW: “It depends on the circumstances.”

RT: “What about flavoured marzipans?”

TW: “Like I say, it depends on the circumstances. Now, anyone else got any more questions?”

Ian Question-Mark: I’d just like to say on behalf of all of us here, good luck with the campaign.”

TW: Thank you. Is that everyone…”

Trevor Gubbins: “…and with that, the squad left to board their plane. However, at this time, they were blissfully unaware that, in fact their first game is at home to StirlingIce in just three days time. As there is no way of making contact with the squad before they land, there will be no way of telling them until they land. Also, we have no idea where they are heading, so it could be a long flight home before the match. For our international viewers, if you see a red and yellow striped plane flying in the skies above you, please, call us, it’s probably our missing Druids. Our number is…

+623-1-FIND-OUR-TEAM, that’s 00623-1-3463-687-8326

…we need your help to track them down. Calls are charged at your national rates, and if you ring in, we’ll call you back. Still to come…”

*The show continues, but we decide to leave DruidSport, as Betting Line Weekly starts in five minutes on RTS, and we can’t afford to miss it!*

OOC:
Okay I said I wouldn't RP any more, but I think this is too good to pass up.
IC:
Pisstake one, scene one.

We are the best! Aquilla sux something.

The coach was asked about the chances of a tie or win against this powerhouse. "Well, we'll try our best, and that is all you can ask us to do."


OOC- Even six cups removed from the last time I qualified, my reputation still precedes me.

The Brazillico Advance

Brazillico Opens Up Qualifying With Draw
By Bill Jesus

(KALITA, BRAZILLICO)A rather unexciting match yield a rather unexciting result, a 1-1 draw against relative unknowns, The Eagles Nest. The fans in attendance were extremely displeased as they booed the home Bats off the pitch at the end of the game.

Fortunately for the Chili Bats, only 13 people made it to the game, leaving 79,987 of Kalita's Undelay Industries Stadium vacant making it the least attended international football match in Brazillico history. The reason for this is the highly anticipated final of the Founding Nations Cup being held at the same time in Spaam.

Of those 13 fans in attendance, many of which were people paid to be there, such as reporters, camera crew and commentators.

If I didn't have to show up, I wouldn't have. I really wanted to watch that FNC final. It's going to be a dandy, as Brazillico's young guns face the Hooligans. The two best defensive sides jockey to close 1-0 matches in the prelims, each squad winning one. God, I wish I coulda seen it.

Unfortunately, I am missing it because I had to watch this game. Even though I told my boss I didn't want to cover it because I had already planned to stay home, it didn't matter, he said I'd be fired if I didn't come. Joke's on him, I picked up the FNC final from my walkman and didn't even pay attention to this shitty match.

Final Score
Brazillico 1
The Eagles Nest 1

Editor's Note: Bill Jesus has been relieved of his duties.

Wahrheit
The only truth

Stalag 5 smashed Defari

Headquarter The Graveyard saw just another glourious victory of our football team. It was another Heimspiel, because Heim sored once and was man of match.
But first came Latscher Pohl. Haudrauf was fouled, Fußballgott Simon's freekick found its way right to Pohl who showed some artistic abilities and scored from a tight angle. The Defaris were shocked, because it happened shortly after the kick off. But Haudrauf and again Pohl were not that successful, while the Defari keeper showed some fantastic reactions. In 45th minute Heim, who played very good up to that point but the Defari defense obviously heard about his 5 goals at BoF-Cup and were always close. He was man-marked by a huge monster-Defari, who luckily was injured after 40 minutes. So Heim just used his first chance to score.
During 2nd half Stalag 5 was contolling the match and started another try of big wall tactic. Everytime the offside-trap worked 60.000 applauded and humilated the Defaris. It was a lot of fun.

GROUP 3
Sacco and Vanzetti 3 Hash n Beans 0
Stalag 5 2 Defari 0
Warnocks Wizards 1 Snub Nose 38 1
Northern Wastestan 2 Timway 3

Mattigool Sports

Gools keep on losing in WC

(Goolsund) To the Gools WC XII started as WC XI ended. They lost their 14th match out of 15. But we have to agree, that it was an unlucky defeat in an even sided match. The Gools were attacking from the beginning, Jonny Sokol and Kristensen were almost successful. The Valients counterattacks were always dangerous and after 33 minutes one of them was finished with the 1:0, 8 minutes later: almost the same scene, 2:0. But the Gools kept on attacking and finally Kristensen sored in 53rd minute. 13 minutes later a wonderful Gamsten freekick found its way into the net. Simen Sokol had the chance to bring the Gools into the lead, but his shot from 25 meter only hit the sidenetting. When almost everybody thought the match would end with a draw a fine attack by the valients brought the decision.

Final Scoring
VALIENT 3
<player 11> (33, 41)
<player 9> (90)
MATTIGOOL 2
Kristensen (53)
Gamsten (66)

The big surprise of Matchday 1 was MTF-Champion AlanShearer's win at Squornshelous. The third MTF team of Group 7, Creedence Clearwater, lost against Rinkeby.

The results of Group 7
Rinkeby 1 Creedence Clearwater 0
Valient 3 Mattigool 2
Squornshelous 0 AlanShearer 1
Giant Zucchini 4 Eauz 1

[Scene: The team bus, heading from Skytouch Stadium to the High Mountain Regional Airport.]

Johnny Lewis, manager: And there you have it! Our first World Cup victory since I became coach!

Jeff Whitehurst, assistant manger and offensive coach: Well, Johnny, it's not really a World Cup victory. It's only qualifying, after all.

Darren Morlock, striker: It still feels good, though. Maybe we'll have the chance to get a "real" World Cup victory this time.

"Doctor" Gil Vu, substitute forward: Yeah, we kicked ass out there today.

Erik Oldenburg, goalkeeper: Kicked ass? Doc, we barely won the thing.

Dr. Vu: Erik, a win is a win!

Lewis: Now, now, settle down. Does everyone have their earplugs ready?

Abigail Hamner, substitute forward: Earplugs? For what?

Morlock: Oh yeah, we're playing Avenging Altos next, aren't we?

Whitehurst: Yep.

Karina Kucharski, defender: Um, can any of you guys sing?

Hamner: I think Jen's the only one.

Jennifer Matz, substitute defender: Who, me?

Oldenburg: Yeah, you've got the best voice out of all of us.

Matz: Well... *blushes*

Lewis: All right, back on topic. Everyone got their earplugs?

Javier Lewey, striker: You didn't give us earplugs, Coach.

Lewis: I thought I did...

Morlock: Well, I'm sure the insidious Dr. Vu can come up with something for us...

Dr. Vu: You betcha. I'll have thirty sets of mighty fine earplugs ready by the time we get there. Just throw me the duct tape, a screwdriver, and a couple blocks of cheese.

Matz: Duct tape, a screwdriver, and cheese? Who do you think you are, MacGyver?

Dr. Vu: Jen, I could put him to shame. You just watch.

------------

[code:1:8594fd647d]Final score:
Bedistan 2 (Palin 11, Morlock 68)
Erratic Blobs 1 (<player> 26)[/code:1:8594fd647d]

Kicking off World Cup 12

Les Bleus started off the first game of qualifying in Giant Zucchini, as they lost 4-1 to the #2 ranked team. Les Bleus were completely out matched in this game, and the defence completely fell apart. Though, for Les Bleus, they did get a goal against the #2 ranked team starting the offence off. Though, the team should not worry, for they have lost to a high ranking team in the last qualifying round, and came back to tie that same team later on. Look for Les Bleus to take revenge in game day 8.

The results of Group 7
Rinkeby 1 Creedence Clearwater 0
Valient 3 Mattigool 2
Squornshelous 0 AlanShearer 1
Giant Zucchini 4 Eauz 1


Day 1: Eauz @ Giant Zucchini L 1 - 4
Day 2: AlanShearer @ Eauz
Day 3: Eauz @ Squornshelous
Day 4: Mattigool @ Eauz
Day 5: Eauz @ Valient
Day 6: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Day 7: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Day 8: Giant Zucchini @ Eauz
Day 9: Eauz @ AlanShearer
Day 10: Squornshelous @ Eauz
Day 11: Eauz @ Mattigool
Day 12: Valient @ Eauz
Day 13: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Day 14: Eauz @ Rinkeby

The Daily Druid

WELSH REVOLUTION IS FOR REAL!
Ian Question-Mark at Parkies Park for NEWI Cefn Druids 2 SterlingIce 1

The memories of all that has gone before have been wiped out. The history of eternal failure has gone. The spirits have been lifted. No more shall the Druids be the laughing stock of the world game. For a new leader has come forth. A new beginning is here for everyone. Yes, the event that was once thought of only in a few of our wildest dreams has happened. NEWI Cefn Druids have won a football match. Against a ranked side, too!

Alright, so we might have gone over the top a little. But if you’re a Druid reading this, think back to the end of the Cup of Harmony. Your manager was caught up in a scandal that rocked the nation, and your team had just been beaten in a practice match against an egg. That’s right, one single egg. Against eleven men.

There was none of that last night against SterlingIce, though. Despite another FANCD blunder that sent the team on a round trip to Squornshelous a few days ago, the team still managed to look focused, like a team who knew what a football was.

Apparently, the accidental flight was taken when a FANCD official mixed up the fixture lists for World Cups Eleven and Twelve. However, the difference in the team on the two opening matchdays could not have been wider.

There were seven of the same players out there last night that were there four years ago. The experience of the past four years, and the confidence Welsh has installed in them has grown. You could see it in the way the Druids played, the way that the did everything out there.

However, it wasn’t plain sailing for the Druids. It took only 16 seconds for SterlingIce to break the deadlock with not only the first goal of qualifying, but what will probably end up as of the best. SterlingIce strung seven slick passes together before <player7> struck a 35 yard shot out of the reach of debutant goalkeeper Gareth Erg. Not a great start to your international career, but no keeper in the world would have stopped it.

However, where the Druids of old would have simply given up already, the new Druids did the opposite. They looked the stronger of the two sides throughout the first half, and were unlucky to go in behind at half time after the SterlingIce goalie pulled off no less than three point blank saves from Greaves, Frederiksson and Simpson.

But after the break, it was much the same from the Druids, and the pressure eventually told. On the hour, a Simpson cross deflected of an onrushing Leyghton, and Simon Greaves knocked his fourth international goal into the empty net.

The goal seemed to add an extra loud roar to the already electrifying atmosphere, and they probably helped the team no end. Moans were gone, replaced by encouragement, and it helped. The Druids pushed on, and could have scored a hatful, were it not for the acrobatics of the SterlingIce keeper. Then, one moment seemed like it would put all the hard work in jeopardy. A cross from the SterlingIce right winger was chested by new captain Trevor Kallins, but the referee felt it hit his arm as well, and a penalty was awarded. The pressure was on young Erg in goal, but how he responded to it. The penalty was hit low to Erg’s left by <player7>, but Erg saved at full stretch, turning it round for a corner.

Then, in injury time at the end of the match, perhaps the most famous goal in the history of Druid football was scored. However, it wasn’t exactly the classiest of finishes. A corner from Simpson bobbled about in the area off both defenders and attackers until the ball fell to the feet of Trevor James, who smashed the ball into the gaping goal.

The scenes that accompanied the goal were like nothing ever seen in a Druid stadium. For the two following minutes of the match, and the hour afterwards, the whole crowd stayed back, as if it were one big party. Which it was, because, for the first time ever, their Druids had won.

Final score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 2 [Greaves 60, James 90+2]
SterlingIce 1 [<player7> 16 seconds, <player7> missed penalty 83]

The historic Druids team: [4-4-2] Erg; Kallins, Pearson, Seaton, Lanton; James, Trevor [Rowlands 62], Leyghton, Simpson; Greaves, Frederiksson [Mbaka 76]. Subs not used: Rodgers, Ieauan, Leeson.

Just to prove we're not making this up, look in the scores thread (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=123173) and see for yourselves!

Wizards, Noses Congested on Mount Doom

National Team’s Campaign Begins with a 1-1 Draw at Fortress Warnock

From our news services...

Matchday 1, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–The Red and White Wizards began their quest to qualify for World Cup 12 last night with a tight 1-1 draw with Snub Nose 38 at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. Substitute winger Akhklash the Emaciated’s second half goal cancelled out Ishmael’s early strike and was enough to earn a share of the points between Group 3's pre-tournament favourites. With the draw, the Wizards continued their dismal record in opening World Cup qualifying matches. To date in their four qualifying campaigns, the Wizards have only captured a total of two points.

Going in to the match with Snub Nose 38, Manager Ufwurz the Furious was quietly confident that his charges would begin this World Cup campaign more positively. He named the strongest starting eleven available. Globtakh the Timid, the goalkeeper that showed the world his increased confidence and ability at World Cup 11, began between the posts. With left back Ghaztrak the Gouger and ruthless defender Mausnik the Cleaver sidelined with longterm injuries (a cracked toenail and botched perm, respectively), Akhkur the Toothless and Ufdush the Nasty earned starting roles. Joining them in defense were National Team Captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw and versatile defender Ghazukh the Burner. Bublok the Destroyer was slotted in as defensive midfielder and directly in front of him were Bagdreg the Mauler on the left and Skairash the Bald on the right. Starting in the “hole” was Gabdul the Looter. The starting forwards were Uruk’Hai targetman Ashmazh the Tough and all-time national leading scorer Ishklash the Snooty. Thus, the Wizards lined up in their familiar 4-3-1-2 configuration.

The visiting Hooligans kicked off the match in a very ambitious 3-4-3 formation. The Snubby midfield looked quite fluid and were controlling play from the outset. Tecumsah was a veritable midfield general and Sequoia cut a very solid tree (or rather, he was a very solid tree) in the center of midfield. The Wizardite Entish contingent in particular appreciated the stout ability of the latter to hold up the ball while under pressure. With the visitors controlling midfield, the chances were always coming for the front three of Ishmael, Yosarian, and Cubbins. Ishmael had a dipping shot saved well by Globtakh, Yosarian had a header cleared off of the line by Akhkur, and Cubbins looped a sitter over the bar. “They call him” Ishmael, however, was successful in burying a whale of a chance on 12 minutes. Ufdush’s hospital backpass to Globtakh led to the goalkeeper and Cubbins colliding, leaving the goal gaping for the relentless Ishmael. The Snub Nosed attacker took the opportunity and the visitors took a 1-0 lead. Manager Ufwurz was left steaming on the touchline, crowing about the foul committed on his goalkeeper. The Wizard could be heard to bellow, "He tasks me...he tasks me, and I shall have him!"

The Hooligans managed to take the lead to halftime, setting up the much anticipated return of the Snub Nose 38 Cheerleaders and The Shagrat and Gorbag Uruk’Hai Folkdance Troupe as halftime entertainment. The Cheerleaders, who endeared themselves to the local Orcish fan-base with their enchanting “Riverdance” during World Cup 9, repeated the performance and were treated to a standing ovation for their efforts. Shagrat and Gorbag’s Troupe, alas, were recipients of a hail of chilled mango from the crowd, who no doubt were disappointed that the Cheerleaders had left the field. Thankfully, at this point the teams emerged from their Keeps for second half play.

The Wizards kicked off to more of the same: a potent Hooligan attack and a stout midfield giving them fits. With the crowd starting to feel despondent and fearing a loss to begin the qualifying campaign, the Wizards got the break they needed to turn the tide. Striker Cubbins blasted an effort just wide, and, in doing so, one of his boots became unattached and sailed at Globtakh in goal. The Wizard keeper picked up the boot and was about to return it sportingly to his adversary when he noticed something strange about the piece of footwear. He gestured for the referee to examine the boot. After taking a look at it for himself, the referee showed Cubbins a red card. The Hooligan players surrounded the official to protest, but the referee could be heard proclaiming loudly that Cubbins had corked his boot and he had no choice but to send off the player for illegal footwear.

With his side facing an opponent with ten men, Ufwurz made two attack-minded substitutions, throwing on two fleet players for two slower counterparts: Akhklash the Emaciated and Olkish the Swift replaced Skairash and Ashmazh, respectively. The Wizards began to take control of the match and a leveler was always in the making. On 74 minutes, Bagdreg the Mauler’s insightful ball found Akhklash who went on a mazy run past defenders Ichabod and Schlep. Finding himself with an open look at goal, the thin winger released a curling shot that evaded rolling keeper Crepe, and the score was all square at 1-1. The Red and White Wizards tried in vain to find a match winner, but, in the end a draw was the least the visiting Hooligans deserved. Fulltime: Warnocks Wizards 1, Snub Nose 38 1.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Ufdush the Nasty, Bublok the Destroyer, Bagdreg the Mauler, Skairash the Bald (Akhklash the Emaciated 67), Gabdul the Looter, Ashmazh the Tough (Olkrish the Swift 67), Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Akhburz the Straggler, Gromdul the Gasher.

For their next match in Group 3 play, the Red and White Wizards travel to world cup qualifying newcomers Hash n Beans. The fighting food products were defeated by fellow debutantes Sacco and Vanzetti 3-0 in their first match.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Qualifying begins on good note
Wonderteam wins on home turf against Spaam

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) --Enter Consolidated Stadium, seeing it's first World Cup action ever -- the decision made to switch venues from Amalgamated Stadium to Consolidated Stadium in a continued effort to bring back favorable opinion of Consolidated Foods. The first match of World Cup 12 qualifying would pit Oglethorpia against Spaam, the two teams having only faced each other once before in World Cup 8, the match ending in a Wonderteam win 2-1. Needless to say, Oglethorpia was intent on repeating the win before their home crowd.

Of note was the stadium's notable evisceratomato "decoration;" each nook and cranny of the stadium covered in posters and banners promoting Consolidated Foods and the healthyness of evisceratomatoes.

In the 10th minute, with nothing of note from either sides, the PA system blared out that "this match is brought to you by Consolidated Foods evisceratomatoes," and would continue to do so seven more times until the whistle was blown at full time.

Oglethorpia nearly struck first in the 14th minute -- a scorcher into the lower left net by Torrence Black was ruled offsides, the score still even at nil-nil.

Spaam would be on the ball two minutes later, Midfielder Goonie #2 stripping Fernando Green of possession -- Kirk Calhoun was decidedly one-upped when Striker Goonie #2 played a ball through the striker's legs, crossing to Striker Goonie #1, who played a nice ball around keeper Yamamoto-san and put it in the net with a short kick. The goal by Striker Goonie #1 in the 16th minute would put Spaam up one-nil against the home team.

A midfield battle between the two sides strong halfbacks would eventually be one by a perservering Oglethorpian side; from the 20th minute on, the trademark Wonderteam offense that sees plenty of shots on goal would kick into gear. Fernando Green would set up Floyd Black -- his ball to Kirk Calhoun would push the Spaamian defense further back downfield. Torrence Black would take a fine pass from Kirk Calhoun and put it square in the middle of the net -- Oglethorpia equalizing in the 21st minute.

"He just amazes me," said Kirk Calhoun after the match. "He didn't even have to turn around to get that shot off; he was running the whole time and just sort of knew the ball was coming. Maybe it was luck, but it looked great."

Torrence Black refutes Calhoun's hypothesis. "That wasn't luck -- I new Calhoun was back there and just took his pass without hestitation, and put the ball right above the keeper."

Yamamoto-san would avert a second Spaamian goal minutes before the 40th minute -- barely tipped over the crossbar, Oglethorpia would clear the corner before any further scares would be pressed down upon the Wonderteam defense.

To close out the first half, a well played ball by midfielder Jerome Furukawa was stripped of Defender Goonie #3 of Spaam -- Jorge White would put the ball in from the left corner of the field, soaring over a leaping goal keeper missing the well played shot.

At half, Oglethorpia was up 2-1 on Spaam.

The 50th minute ushered in the fifth repeating of the message "this match is brought to you by Consolidated Foods evisceratomatoes," and saw yet another chance for Spaam. The offensive run by Spaam was only shut down by a brash Archy Ferdinand, who stopped the run -- but also drew a yellow card for his efforts. A wall made up of gigantic midfielder Baltasar Grey and Torrence Black would keep the ball in rear midfield and was quickly cleared downfield.

Oglethorpia would get it's third goal in the 81st minute, Torrence Black's second with a header off a lob shot played downfield by Jorge White.

Finally, the whistle was blown, the Wonderteam winning it's first World Cup 12 qualifying match a decisive 3-1 against Spaam.

"It's a fine win by the guys," commented coach Guy Picciotto. "There was a slight lapse in defense by Yamamoto-san, but i've got a feeling it's only going to be one of few goals let by."

Fernando Green was quite upbeat about the match. "We played a good game of midfield -- with the exception of the first Spaamian goal, we held onto the ball fairly well and the ball was moved pretty fluidly downfield."

Torrence Black harked back to his younger days as a striker, when he was fond of saying "I kicked ass." "Well, it's true," he reiterated. "We kicked some ass there."

Floyd Black, as usual was more modest about the victory. "Spaam's a good opponent, and they had two more good chances on us after the first goal -- we're lucky they didn't somehow equalize. As long as we keep this kind of preformance up, I think we'll be just fine."

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 3 (T. Black 21st, 81st, J. White 44th)
Spaam - 1 (Striker Goonie #1 16th)

OOC - Dedicated to mascots, Kingsford and all those other people not good enough to make the team. Your spirit and perseverance does not go unnoticed.

Morales: Welcome to our preview show for Group 11, I’m Diego Morales, across the table from me is Mike Indigo. Let’s not waste any time and go straight to the big bag!

*Morales sticks his hand in a large black bag with white question marks all over it, he pulls his hand out and shows the piece of paper to the camera*

Jerusalem

Indigo: Well, this team had a terrible go of it last time and I don't think this one will be much different.

Morales: Me neither, they haven’t improved much since the last cup, I think they may do marginally better, but nothing spectacular.

*Indigo grabs the Jerusalem tag, sticks it at number 8 on the board*

Morales: Come on, they’re the first one’s up, you could at least put them as the prohibitive favourites.

Indigo: I guarantee you they will end up closer to 8th than 1st on the board.

Morales: No argument there.

*Morales reaches his hand in the bag and picks…*

BSE Free Bovines

Indigo: I like this team, and I really like their mascot, Horace?

Morales: I think we’d all agree that Horace the BSE Free Bovine is a lovable character, but what do you think about their chances in Group 11?

Indigo: With the support of a mascot as great as Horace, I’m going to say fifth.

Morales: This is a team who got beaten out of the Baptism of Fire with quite a lot of conviction, you really think they can manage fifth?

Indigo: Two words, Whore-Ass.

*Morales places BSE Free Bovines on the board at fifth and dives in for another name.*

Brazillico

Indigo: Well, well. Look’s like you got the home nation? Who’s gonna disappoint the fans at home?

Morales: I certainly won’t. Brazillico is coming off a great Harmony Cup run and I think they’ll place at least third, and may just nab the second and final auto-qualification spot.

Indigo: Are you drunk or do you have jingoistic fever?

Morales: I assure you I am neither.

Indigo: Listen, I’m a realist. Brazillico cannot qualify in this group. It’s too deep. Brazillico will finish fourth and I think should be happy to do so considering they finished sixth last time. Plus, Willy the Happy-Go-Lucky Chili Bat is nowhere even near the same league as Horace.

Morales: Mike, we’re talking football, not a halftime show.

Indigo: You can’t win without solid mascoting!

Morales: Shut up for a second while I talk football. Brazillico is a young team on the rise. You look around the group and two of the early favourites, Spaam and The Weegies have both suffered early losses. I’m telling you, Brazillico will at the very least get a shot at qualifying.

Indigo: I tell you what, you got Cannon fever.

Morales: Who here doesn’t!?

*Morales hastily sticks Brazillico at number 3, and tears another out of the bag*

The Eagles Nest

Indigo: Well I haven’t seen their mascot in action yet and I must admit, I was too busy watching the Founding Nations Cup final to watch when they played Brazillico. Morales, you want to take this one?

Morales: I also missed the game but I was able to catch the match report by Jesus.

Indigo: Jerusalem’s Jesus?

Morales: No! Bill Jesus! The Advance’s writer who got canned.

Indigo: Oh. Well where do you wanna put them?

*Morales eyes up the board before putting them sixth, he sticks his hand back in the mystery bag and pulls out…*

Spaam

Morales: Spaam, don’t believe they’ve qualified for a while.

Indigo: Nope, its been three straight they’ve been watching the big dance on television.

Morales: This team will definitely contend…

Indigo: Contend? This team will make it to the World Cup for two reasons. Firstly, they’re due.

Morales: Great reason.

Indigo: Secondly, the Spaamaniac has been training very hard and has a trick where he can pull seven straight pirouettes and follow it up with a double backflip. I’m telling ya, Spaam is going far!

Morales: The same Spaam which lost 3-1 and blamed it on Belmorian refereeing despite being clearly outclassed by the Oglethorpians?

Indigo: The Belmorians hate Spaam! Hopefully, Alan’s brother, Dwayne Belmore, will not be officiating anymore matches with Spaam.

Morales: So where do you want them?

Indigo: Put them second for now.

Morales: I just can’t do that.

*Morales sticks Spaam in fourth and sticks his hand back in the big bag of mystery.*

Oglethorpia

Indigo: Why did you ask my opinion if you weren’t going to listen to me anyway.

Morales: For a brief moment I was hoping you had some common sense. Oglethorpia, what are your thoughts?

Indigo: I feel you don’t respect me as co-worker, Diego.

Morales: Well when you’re commenting on mascots instead of football, your professionalism in my eyes goes down a tad.

Indigo: Listen, mascots play a huge role in international football and having the right or wrong mascot can really change the tempo of the game. You need that person on the side to be able to fire up a crowd at a moment’s notice.

Morales: Mike, I’m sorry, you got anything to say about Oglethorpia?

Indigo: Billy Evisceratomato…

Morales: Shut it.

*Morales emphatically slams Oglethorpia at number one and sticks his hand back in the bag.*

Holy India

Indigo: Holy India’s shocked the footballing world with their 2-1 upset over The Weegies.

Morales: Indeed they did, can’t say I saw that one coming.

Indigo: On paper, The Weegies clearly outclassed Holy India. However, the Holy India Tea Bag was instrumental in this match and really got the crowd involved in the latter half of the match.

Morales: Can Holy India keep up this pace?

Indigo: I think they can, the Holy India Tea Bag is for real. I’d put them second.

Morales: My respect for you as a professional football analyst is dwindling by the second.

*Morales sticks Holy India at the vacant second spot and picks up the last team in the bag*

The Weegies

Morales: I thought The Weegies had really recommitted to their training for this cup, but I have to admit I’m questioning their resolve after that 2-1 loss to Holy India.

Indigo: The Weegies were a man short last night. No mascot. It made a huge difference in the outcome of the match.

Morales: Aarrgh. *Rolling his eyes* Well assuming The Weegies do land a mascot in the very near future, do you think they can advance to the World Cup.

Indigo: Definitely, their ball control is superb and they have the kind of veteran leadership it takes to engineer a successful run deep into the World Cup. However, since they currently do not have a mascot, I’m afraid they may miss out on qualification.

Morales: Wow, that was almost an intelligent comment. Well I still think this team can play despite some early jitters, and I’ll put them at second.

*Places their name on the board*

Indigo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. That’s all wrong, Jerusalem shouldn’t be on the bottom, Spaam should be higher and why is Brazillico in 3rd, Willy is in no third-place form.

*Indigo lunges to the board to try to make some changes, but Morales tackles him and the two fight on the floor. The camera suddenly cuts.*

[code:1:4e6db4a2cb]
FINAL BOARD
1 Oglethorpia
2 The Weegies
3 Brazillico
4 Spaam
5 BSE Free Bovines
6 Jerusalem
7 The Eagles Nest
8 Holy India[/code:1:4e6db4a2cb]

Strike Birds Earn Critical First Tie

Strike Birds earned their first World Cup Point with a 1-1 Tie at Brazillico. An estimated crowd of about 10,000 Strike birds went to their first ever match, but when they got there were informed that the tickets that they had bought were actually for the qualifying match between Oglethorpia and Spaam. The Ministry of Sports will be looking into how those tickets arrived for sale in the Eagle's Nest.

Anyway, back to the game now. Brazillico struck first late in the first half to take a 1-0 lead on a beautiful cross and strike from Trevors to Cannon. The Strike Birds put an midfielder back to help close off those cross pitch strikes.

As time went on in the second half, it appeared that the Strike Birds would be saddled with their first loss. The Brazillico defense squashed every attack that the Birds brought at them when an inadvertant handball in the box gave the Birds a penalty kick to equalize. Strike Josh Adams pushed the ball high and left and the Brazillico goalie guessed wrong at 82:03. The Birds clogged the midfield to ensure that they got a point in this first match.

Coach Talio Aefnen was quoted after the match, "I am so proud of my guys. They never gave up, and this should give us a bit of confidence going into our first home match against Holy India. And I promise you, our fans will be able to get into this game."

Scoring:
Brazillico - A. Cannon (1) - 38:50
Eagle's Nest - Josh Adams (1) - 82:03


Schedule

Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico(44) Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem(123)
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies(41)
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia(14)
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam(27)

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico(44)
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem(123)
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies(41)
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia(14)
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam(27)

[code:1:65636fbe2d]

Standings:

GROUP 11 P W D L GF GA GD Pts
Oglethorpia 1 1 0 0 3 1 +2 3
Holy India 1 1 0 0 2 1 +1 3
Brazillico 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
The Eagle's Nest 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
BSE Free Bovines 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
Jeruselem 1 0 1 0 1 1 0 1
The Weegies 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
Spaam 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0

[/code:1:65636fbe2d]

Firstly, it's Brazillico, not Brazillia

Secondly, for code boxes, you have to spell it code and not cpde.

Thirdly, nice RP, we need more new participants like you.

Correction:

Is has been brought to our attention that our editor mispelled our opponents name about 17 times. We later found out he was drunk on whiskey at the time. A corrected version of the story has been released and our editor has been thrown in the drunk tank.

Meanwhile, we still havn't figured out why Spaam vs. Oglethorpia tickets were in the Nest. Some claim it is a conspiricy, but we have confirmed that tickets for the first home game against Holy India have been confirmed to be in the hands of our fans.

(thanks for the praise. :) )

The Green Mile:
Episode 2: Return of the Keegle

Mr Woo: Here we are in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium with their first qualifying match against Eauz. Alongside me is a special guest, Mr Keggy Keegle!

Mr Keegle: It’s great to be here.

Mr Woo: How important is this match to the Zucchinis?

Mr Keegle: Massive. It is very important. They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.

Mr Woo: It is notable that this is the 6th time the Zucchinis are playing Les Bleus, the most the Zucchinis have ever played a single team.

Mr Keegle: Uhuh, although it’s going to be hard finding a married one.

Mr Woo: Um, right. Anyway, our record against them is rather good, 4 wins and a loss. Do you think we can improve on that?

Mr Keegle: Well, the Zucchinis have 3 options, they could win or they could lose.

Mr Woo: And the teams have kicked off.

28 minutes later…

Mr Woo: Machterstrassefurtermorgannachttunggutsprechenbuchlungweighetvolkshvargenshtickshnoff with the cross, Zonk with the header…and it’s clean over the bar!

Mr Keegle: One of his strengths is not heading.

Mr Woo: And a wasted chance for the Zucchinis.

47 minutes into the game…

Mr Woo: And the whistle blows to a rather uneventful first half. No goals scored, and not many chances created either. What do you make of it?

Mr Keegle: Woog is the one to watch out for. Despite his white boots, he has real pace. He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field. But there are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop, everybody's got their own opinion.

Mr Woo: And the players are making their way back onto the field. Stay with us as we bring you coverage of the second half of Giant Zucchini vs Eauz, here in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium.

52 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: …and it’s a brilliant through pass in by Ppakkaddumm, and quite a finish there from Yew Sei Biu, slammed it into the back of the net, the keeper didn’t have a chance.

Mr Keegle: Young Yew Sei Biu…he’s young.

55 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: …and Yew with his second, heading in from a Woog corner. He’s making his presence felt here, isn’t he?

Mr Keegle: The good news for Eauz is that they're two-nil down very early in the second half.

64 minutes on the clock…

Mr Keegle: The game has gone rather scrappy as both sides realise they could win this match or lose it.

Mr Woo: And Zonk with an absolute screamer…and saved by the Eauz keeper.

Mr Keegle: That would have been a goal if it wasn't saved.

Mr Woo: But Xcavabar in an excellent position, and he pounces on the rebound. 3-0 to the Zucchinis.

76 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Messerschmittahugengrossenbiggenfattenheineapmudorischeronzonisonobuonioevrepique is being penalised for a mistimed tackle here.

Mr Keegle: The ref was vertically 15 yards away, but that decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong.

Mr Woo: And the free kick, curls beyond Plaat into the back of the net. And Eauz pulls one back.

87 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Now Eauz penalised for a mistimed tackle.

Mr Keegle: Discipline is not only very important, it's crucial. It is very important. The substitute is about to come on…he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.

Mr Woo: And it’s Kerrnigit, one of the more famous names on the team sheet.

Mr Keegle: I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Urk.

Mr Woo: And Yew Sei Biu, jostling for space in the penalty area.

Mr Keegle: He’s using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.

Mr Woo: Kerrnigit curling the ball into the area, and Yew heads in for his hat-trick!

Mr Keegle: Young Yew Sei Biu…he’s young.

92 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And the match is over here in Giant Zucchini, 4-1 the final score.

Mr Keegle: We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half. Not many teams will come to Giant Zucchini and get anything, home or away.

Mr Woo: And now let’s go down to the tunnel to talk to our Man of the Match, Yew Sei Biu

Mr Keegle: Young Yew Sei Biu…he’s young.

Mr Woo is in the tunnel with Yew.

Mr Woo: We’ve heard tales about your language difficulties. Can you speak any English?

Yew: Who? What? Where? When? WhoWhatWhereWhen?

Mr Woo: Erm, OK. Can you say anything else?

Yew: Of course. I speak better English than this villain Lanky Dude.

Mr Woo: That’s comforting. So how do you feel after this magnificent performance on your debut?

Yew: It feels great playing for your country, and to score a hat-trick on your debut, it just feels great.

Mr Woo: Thank you for your time. And to you in front of your screens, don’t forget to catch the Zucchinis in action once again as they travel to Mattigool for their second qualifying match, with our special guest, the elusive M.S.S., until then, it’s goodbye from all of us here in the Giant Zucchini National Stadium.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)

Brazillico Unveils New Jerseys

Purple. The words muttered by thousands of Brazillicans in disbelief after the BFA unveiled Brazillico's jerseys for World Cup 12.

"Purple was never one of Brazillico's official colors," said passer by Sandra Nanto. "The old ones were fine. These new ones are ugly. It's just Corporate Brazillico trying to boost up sales again and I'm sure they'll fail miserably after this halfassed effort."

Brazillico's away jersey will stay pretty much the same, except that a yellow stripe will be added at the base of the jersey. Catch the purple flash when they play their next match against Jerusalem.

Brazillico's new jerseys get frigid welcome
http://brazjerseys.50megs.com/images/brazjerseys.jpg

OOC to GZ - Your long names are causing the forums to widen :evil:

Welcome to Evening Sport and Entertainment on BSE television.

I am your host Talkin Head Maxx.

This just in to the sports desk!

The Bovines have earned a 1 x 1 tie with the Jeruselem Crusaders in our country's first ever appearance in a World Cup competition.

The Crusaders took an early lead by converting a PK in the 20th minute. The Bovines earned their first point in the competition by scoring a tying goal in the 80th minute. The Bovine goal was scored by Holstein on a pass from his twin brother Friesian. Much of the game was played in the midfield as both teams had trouble penetrating their foes defensive zones. We are hoping to get a chance to speak to one of our players or to Coach Galloway before the end of the show.

We remind our audience that today's match will be shown in its entirety at 2330 hrs. on this channel and simulcast on shortwave to our more distant locations.

The Bovines next match is at "The Pasture" against Spaam.

In the meantime, here are the scores for match day 1 in group 11.

GROUP 11
Jeruselem 1 BSE Free Bovines 1
Brazillico 1 The Eagles Nest 1
Spaam 1 Oglethorpia 3
Holy India 2 The Weegies 1

Marie Law (ML): The Warriors kicked off their World Cup XII qualifiers at home in front of a packed house of 90,000 at the House of Prayer against WC newcomer, Costa Lot. It was clear from the start that the Warriors are determined to improve upon the measly eight points they earned in WC XI qualifying as they dominated the newcomers. However, the Costa Lot keeper was up to the task and kept the match scoreless until the 34th minute, when Warriors captain Francis of Assisi gathered a cross by fellow forward (and WC rookie) Kelly Carter and found the gap between the Costa Lot keeper and the post for a 1-0 lead. That remained the score until the 69th minute, when Warriors WC rookie forward Thomas Larson tipped a shot by Carter past the distracted keeper for a 2-0 lead. Remembering how their team felt when they were smoked in WC XI repeatedly, the Warriors backed off to avoid running up the score, and Costa Lot did manage to cut the lead in half in the 87th minute. However, that was as close as they came and the Warriors held on to open WC XII qualifying with a 2-1 victory over Costa Lot. Joining me is the star of the game for the Warriors, WC rookie forward Kelly Carter. Tell me Kelly, how does it feel to have a game under your belt now?

Kelly Carter (KC): It's a big relief. :) I'm so glad to have that out of the way.

ML: Did you expect to score multiple points in your first ever WC match?

KC: Not in my wildest dreams! I wasn't even expecting to score a point in my first match.

ML: What do you expect now?

KC: Things certainly won't get any easier, because now teams have an idea as to what I can do with the ball. We also haven't played the top teams in our group yet.

ML: But being tied for second in your group has to feel pretty good right now? Doesn't it?

KC: It doesn't matter. It's still way to early in qualifying to make a big deal out of that. If we were tied for second in our group late in qualifying, then we might have something to talk about.

ML: One last question for you. I don't know if anybody else noticed this, but several times during the game it appeared that you and Thomas Larson seemed to be looking for each other, and not paying attention to Francis of Assisi. Is there something going on between you and Thomas?

KC: That is none of your business.

ML: Well, that's all we have from here. Let's go back to Jennifer in the studio.

Jennifer Johnson (JJ): I think we're all proud of our team. We have a special guest in the studio with us today. Former Warriors defenseman and WC XI vet, Chuck Colson is with us today to answer a few questions. First off, Chuck, What did you think of the result produced by the WC XII squad today?

Chuck Colson (CC): I was impressed with the end result, but they have a lot of room for improvement. They're a young team though, so I'm sure that Head Coach, and my teammate, Martin Luther will help them to clean up the major flaws. The one that concerned me the most was that they didn't keep the pressure on after they went up by two goals, because more experienced teams would find a way to come back if a team does that to them.

JJ: How do you expect them to do in qualifying?

CC: I'm not willing to make any precise predictions. All I will say is that they should do better than our squad did in WC XI qualifying, because we have some WC experience now.

JJ: Thanks for joining us today Chuck. Feel free to come back anytime.

CC: Thanks for the invitation, Jennifer.

JJ: Good night folks.


Here's a recap for everybody:

PRAYING2GOD WARRIORS: 2 Assisi (34th from Carter), Larson (69th minute from Carter)

Costa Lot: 1 <player> (87th minute)



Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 1 of 14 matches):

Gesamtkuntswerk 1-0-0, 3 points, +4 GD
PRAYING2GOD 1-0-0, 3 points, +1 GD
Grand Master Mark 1-0-0, 3 points, +1 GD
One Red Dot 0-0-1, 1 point, 0 GD
Commerce Heights 0-0-1, 1 point, 0 GD
The Master Cooper 0-1-0, 0 points, -1 GD
Costa Lot 0-1-0, 0 points, -1 GD
Patinhas 0-1-0, 0 points, -4 GD

Live from LRN Studio One in Lemmington, this is Glick Masterson with your World Cup qualifying report. Joining me to discuss the state of world football, and what to expect when the teams come to Lemmitania next year, is Melanie Melsterson-Wallace. Welcome to the broadcast, Mel.

Mel: Thanks, Glick. It’s good to be here.

Glick: Our Lemmitanian listeners will all be familiar with your exploits on the football field, but for our International audience, we should introduce you. Mel played eight seasons in the Lemmitanian A-league for the Lemmington Vipers. She was five-time ‘keeper of the year, won two Lemmitanian championships, and started every match for the Lemmitanian national side the past two World Cups. And was selected best ‘keeper in World Cup Ten, the Lemmings’ championship run. Quite a litany of achievement.

Mel: Thanks. You know, the better part of goalkeeping is being in the right place at the right time. And I can’t take credit for any of those championships; those were all team efforts.

Glick: Speaking of team efforts, where do the Lemmings stand? Is their ranking an accurate reflection of how good the team is?

Mel: That’s a difficult question, Glick. Are rankings ever a reflection of how good a team is? There’s been a lot of back-and-forth in the football world the last decade over how sides should be ranked, and how much of an advantage the top-ranked sides should be expected to have over their opponents. Last time around, we were the number-one side in the world, if you believed the rankings. And we finished about twenty-fifth in the field. Not that being twenty-fifth in the world isn’t pretty good, but we didn’t face a single top-ten side in Eleven, and yet won only a half-dozen matches.

Glick: Of course, you only lost two.

Mel: And drew eight or nine. My point is that, at least from my perspective, it seemed like there was almost perfect parity between the side considered the ‘best’ in the world and the ones ranked around thirtieth-- which is where most of our opponents were.

Glick: It was notable that only one or two sides dominated their qualifying groups last time around, whereas in previous Cups we’ve often seen many of the top teams winning seventy or eighty percent of their matches.

Mel: Or more. And in Eleven, there were simply no dominating teams. I think that the state of world football is this: Parity. Maybe it’s because there are so many more nations with dedicated football programs, or the familiarity players have with their international opponents thanks to the Champions League, or maybe it’s because so many players are making the international scene, crossing borders to play in other countries’ domestic leagues... I don’t know. There could be lots of reasons.

Glick: Speaking of parity, let’s take a look at this week’s results. Are we seeing parity in the first qualifying matches of World Cup Twelve?

Mel: Well, it’s a little early to tell, but there have been some interesting results. Holy India in an upset victory, albeit at home, against veterans The Weegies. There's been some talk about Holy India's mascot... seems it may be a little controversial.

Glick: Really? I haven't heard anything about it.

Mel: At any rate, an excellent showing in their first international match. Cockbill Street over Europa Brittania was definitely a surprise as well, though again, they did have the advantage of being at home.

Glick: It's always a surprise to see the defending champions lose a qualifying match. Do you think this is the start of a Lemmings-esque defending campaign?

Mel: I doubt it. I'll be shocked if we see Brittania stumbling the way we did last Cup.

Glick: What other matches were of particular note?

Mel: Spaam hosting Oglethorpia. Ogle the favorites in that one, and they won it handily. Odds-on favorites to win Group Eleven, and the Wonderteam look like they'll match expectations. Warnocks Wizards hosting Snub Nose 38, two of the top sides in the world, and it wasn't much of a surprise that it ended in a draw. Liverpool England only managed a draw against newcomer Stonedheads, at home. A bit of a disappointment for the one-time champions.

Glick: Yes, Liberpool England won the Cup a while back, didn't they?

Mel: One-time champions, yup. Liverpool England.

Glick: Having once won the Cup, they're disappointed with an opening draw.

Mel: Yes, being former champions.

Glick: Liverpool England, former champs, is who we're talking about.

Mel: Nikea crushed Rachakidea in a match that was a lot of fun to watch. Six goals to nil. Wow.

Glick: And on that note, we're about out of time. We'll be back next week with another edition of the World Cup qualifying report.

Out and About Lemmitania (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2735456#2735456), episode 2.

DO NOT DELETE A DOUBLE POST.
THANK YOU.
We thank Iansisle for the correction to this statement.

Our military has been set on alert after the War of Errorism started again today. Committer of mass atrocities The Belmore Family committed countless acts against our country. The President has yet to release a statement but it is expected that he will drum up international support for a pre-emptive strike on TBF.

We like totally beat Lubbystan!!1 Now we top the table, losers!

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Newbs start with a win
The new rejistanian team was often disgraced as 'a team of newbs' (quote: Sikenian Daily) or 'best proof that coach Imdila'he should be replaced fast' (quote: Na~ovi National). But those critics have been proven wrong by the impressive 2-0 victory in and against Sliponia. The Orange-Blue fans celebrated the first-ever win agfainst Sliponia after some embarrassing defeats in handball and field hockey.

Everyone was expecting the line-up to be a wild mixture of atarters and substitutes - and SyLy to start again, but Hexen Imdila let all the listed starters start. That also means, that SyLy watched the match from the bench and saw Jen Y to play on his normal position. To tell the good news first: Jen Y did a good job.

The Orange-Blues played their famous 'System Imdila' again. for our international readers which don't know it: the System Imdila is a defensive 4-4-2 formation, it is called like this because coach Hexen Imdila favours it. The match was dominated by the Orange-blues. only 5 minutes after kickoff Y'he archieved the first goal for the Orange-Blues. the Sliponian keeper was surprised and had no real chance to get the ball as the gard shot sailed in the upper left corner of the goal, only centimeters away from the woodwork. Sliponia changes to a more aggressive style of match, pressing for the equalizer, but the chances, which came past the Orange-Blue defense were saved by Nana Daki. The first half saw several chances for both sides and ended 1-0.

The second half saw some surprise substitutions by Imdila'he. The best surely was to replace Jaras'he by Suijen Relek. The young sikenian had no international experience but despite this, he did a great job in the midfield. In the 84th minute, Relek'he extended the rejistanian lead after a header shot by Su'he. The match ended 2-0 for the Orange-Blues and gives them high hoes for the next qualification matches.

The result:
Sliponia 0
Rejistania 2 (Y 5th, Relek 84th)

DO NOT DOUBLE POST.
THANK YOU.

That's a rather tall order, don't you think? I know I've never clicked the submit button more than once in my entire life (when it does that annoying 'failed to respond' jazz, I'll copy my message, hit 'back' on my web browser to see if it was lying or not), and yet I'll double post at least once a day. Mayhap a better suggestion would be

WHEN YOU DO DOUBLE POST, EDIT IT TO REMOVE THE WORDS BUT DO NOT DELETE IT[/ungainly size]

[/ooc]

((There are times when I wonder why my html tags never seem to work properly. *pouts*))

[size=5]Ians Start Campaign With Resounding 'Splat!'
Westmore's side plays well, but not that well, against East Spaam

Jamie C. Peters
Ians Correspondent

EAST SPAAM -- “Well, that could have been worse,” said striker Alexander Truman, who, now in his second World Cup, has lost his right to be called ‘the young.’ The unspoken rebuttal was that “it could have been a lot better, too.”

In their first game of this Twelfth World Cup, or rather its qualifiers, the Ians didn’t do all that good. They weren’t all that bad, either. Forward John Copplestone scored a penalty goal in his third and perhaps last campaign, Benny Answorth (who also has hinted at retirement after the next Cup, be it World or Harmony) kept East Spaam at bay in goal - not that their were many serious chances for either side.

All in all, the game seemed to be played in a rather lackluster manner. Whether this relates to the somewhat lackluster nature of Group IV, which features only one* real top-notch team and a whole slew of untested sides or low ranked sides, or perhaps from some deeper, black-magic inspired apathy remains unclear.

Other parts of the International footballing world were not nearly so droll. Evil arch-rival Cockbill Street beat the heavily favored #1 side of World Cup XII one to zero. As Iansisle’s beaten Cockbill Street in the past, this is like we beat Europa Brittania. In the hollow, shallow sort of way where it’s really not at all. And, yes, I did just use a contraction in a formal news article, and I am currently using the first person. What are you going to do about it? I’m the damned most popular sports writer in the Commonwealth. And if you edit me, I’ll sue your flippin’ paper’s ass off!

Gaddland made themselves the big winner of the group by beating up on fellow unknown Eaglet 2-0. I think I echo every voice in the greater world community when I say “who the hell are they?” Frankly, I don’t know. Even more frankly, I just don’t care either.

I asked Coach Westmore in an interview earlier how he favored the Ians’ chances to make the Cup for the first time ever. I didn’t ask so much for y’all’s sake, but rather because I’ve an urge to go play the gambling tables. However, as I’m still short in the word count, I’ll let you all in. The most important parts have been censored out for, um, the protection of my agents in the field. That’s right, I just typed out my verbal static. Bite me.

“Well, -----------,” said Westmore. “---------, -- --------. -------- Audioslavia ----------! ---- [orange juice].”

Well, that’s a little more than four hundred words. I’ll just tell that hack that messes with my prose to use a big type face.

Oh, yeah, Iansisle 1 -- East Spaam 1

((*Despite their 20th ranked status, the Ians still try and play their media image as the unfavored underdogs. We find its easy to meet expectations if we keep them low enough.))

Sports Headlines

Spaam Lose At Home

Spaam got off on the wrong foot in the first round, going down to group
favourites Oglethorpia in the first round. Mystery striker Nala Eromleb
scored Spaam's only goal in the 16th minute, while the Oglethorpians
manages to rack up 3 goals. 30 year old striker Fin Bólin left the field in a
stretcher after the last goal, after he fell akwardly on his knee and hit his
head against the posts, giving him a mild ase of concussion.

East Spaam Mediocre

The East Spaamanians didn't fare much better, managing a one all draw at
home against Iansisle. Legendary striker Elmo scored the Eastener's only
goal in the 20th minute, with Iansisle's John Copplestone answering just
before the break.

Officials Fuming - Boycott Rumour

Officials are fuming at the World Cup hosts decision to allow the Belmore
Family to officiate at the first round of matches in qualifying. Rumours are
spreading of a boycott if this situation is repeated.

(OOC - How can Iansisle be ranked 20th if some more-known teams are so close to them or below them in rankings? Just a question.)

IC:
[code:1:c1b870acf1]Liverpool England (18) 1 (Christopher 55 pen, Dirosa sent off 90+3)
Stonedheads (Un) 1 (<player 4> 90+4 pen, <player 6> sent off 55)[/code:1:c1b870acf1]

Headlines:
The Liverpool England Sport Daily: Team Embarrased in Opening Draw

LEINN Headlines: Two Penalties Settle Game 1-1

The World Cup Update
Liverpool England Held by Stonedheads in Controversial Match

Liverpool England, ranked 18th, were held yesterday by newcomers Stonedheads, who managed a draw thanks to a late penalty. In a match with two penalties, two professional fouls, two red cards, and two extra minutes of stoppage time to boot, there was controversy aplenty.

After a quiet first half, the two teams left for halftime to jeers from the crowd. This same crowd had plenty to talk about after the match though. After 55 minutes, Stonedhead's no. 6 ssomeho managed to bring down Steven Blackwell in he box and without hestitation, the referee, a mere 3 yards away, signalled to the spot and got the red card out. The home fans went wild.

Howard Christopher, now 32 and surely in his last World Cup, coolly slotted home the spot kick past the desperate no. 13. Blackwell was then brought off or new boy Vince McReed, who moved into attack to support Christopher. McReed was a handful for the defence, and scored a goal on his debut, only for it to be ruled offside in the 68th minute.

At the end of the match, only two minutes of extra time were signalled. And, with 4 seconds to go on the clock, no. 10 raced into the penalty area. Dominique Dirosa brought him down. the ref, being 25 yards away, went to consult his linesman. Ref Mike Holster later said, "The assistant [linesman] told me that two minutes were up, and I told him that when Dirosa brought the guy down, there was still regulation time on the clock. He immediately said professional foul. This conversation having taken 35 seconds, I gave the penalty, sent Dirosa off, and decided to let play continue after the penalty for 30 seconds."

Dirosa was sent off to the away fans' delight, and to manager Paul Dussis' frustration, Liverpool England now faced the dreaded possibility of coming away with just a single poin, having led most of the second half. No. 4 casually began a long run up and knocked the ball into the top left-hand corner of Mark Hearne's net. Hearne, 36, was supposed to retire from the international game but he has decided to stay on until the Cup finishes. Unable to stop the penalty, Liverpool England left the feld, having to be content with only one point.

The Abysmal Times:

Venue trouble for Abysmalistan - 0-6 loss only counted as 0-1
The Abysmalistanian Abysmals accidentally played a wrong match. Instead of playing against James A Hollar, the abysmal plane landed in Nikea. Rachaidika also used Crash-Cheap-Airways to get to their match. but after the captain has heard that the Abysmals were brought to another venue, he decided to bring them to James A Hollar to avoid that the match is forfit. Neither the abysmals nor the Rachaids nor the JAHians realized the error and for an established team like Nikea these newb teams only serve the purpose to be defeated highly, no matter which it is.

After the first half, the score was 0-4. The Abysmals were totally outclassed. Needless to say that two of the goals were own-goals. In the second half, the Abysmals at least didn't score against themselfes. At the end, the result was 0-6. While the Abysmals were at the airport, they thought it was the JAHian, they heard that they were said to have lost only 0-1. Since the WCC didn't see this error, the results are official.

This double post is presented by Crash-Cheap-Airways - the official airline of the abysmal national team.

(OOC - How can Iansisle be ranked 20th if some more-known teams are so close to them or below them in rankings? Just a question.)

((Well, I'm no expert with the mathematics, but I'd imagine we're ranked 20th because there are 19 other teams in front of us. Granted, that's just a wild guess :?))

EDIT: I should also mention that it's not considered very nice to refer to someone in the third person when they're a member of the conversation.

OOC: We really are becoming the NS Scotland now... doing well against major teams, and losing to, as the phrase so eloquently puts it, the wee diddy teams. :? Hey, KP, any chance of putting up the links to the Scores and the Rosters threads on the first post?

The Weegie Star: Sport Report

Last Gasp Double Leaves Weegies Short

The looks on the faces of the Weegies last night as Holy India put the second of their goals past Sartré last night was enough to make a man with a heart of stone weep. The Underdog Army (as the supporters now style themselves) care about their football with a passion that is so strong, some were crying their eyes out. Others perfected the tortured stare of dejection that has accompanied Weegie campaigns in the World Cup ever since our 6-1 thrashing at the hands of The Belmore Family.

New manager Jonathan Lyle, recently transferred from WD1 champions Lylia Foresters (currently 3rd in the WPS) has been a driving force for Weegie optimism, talking proudly of his "young lads" and boasting that "this is a Weegie side who'll go all the way." He's said it with some conviction, so no wonder the fans were beginning to believe him.

But he learned tonight that even qualification is going to be a tall order for a young team, inexperienced in football at its top level. And that's possibly what happened last night.

Things started well for the Weegies. Pushing forward from the beginning, the new 4-3-3 attacking formation seemed to have passed the test after just 15 minutes, when Piccolo fed the ball into the area for Hardie to slot past the Holy India keeper. A second by Dunn was just denied when the Holy India keeper grasped the blazing shot and held it.

But the Weegie team didn't seem itself. Shots normally rain in to smaller teams, and even against major teams the Weegies normally get a couple of good chances that really test the opposition goalkeeper. But the shots weren;t as prolific as normal. Maybe it was the fact that Lyle, in his confidence, rested a fair bunch of the first pick squad. Maybe it was the fact he didn't use any substitutes. But many supporters reckon it was the new formation.

"Wingers." said one fan. "Wingers wis whit this side wis missin'. We a' remember Mahé and Kincaid in their heyday, zooming down the side to deliver wonderful crosses for oor strikers to heidie. Remember that a fair whack o' oor goals came frae crosses or heiders. And the boy Lyle's goat a couple o' excellent wingers in that team, like Ogilvie. He jist didnae use any o' them at a'. It's a bloody disgrace. Back tae the 4-4-2, ah say!"

Whatever the failings of the Weegie side, it was not to show until the end. Seemingly tired after playing their first international match, in the 84th minute a Holy India striker ran right through the defense to blast the ball past Sartré to claim a point for the India side.

But the shock was not over. In injury time, a free kick was awarded after Cartwright tackled a player fairly hard just outside the area. The kick went over the wall, was beaten away by Sartré, when a Holy India player appeared from nowhere to head the ball past the unassuming keeper.

"You have to gie the India players credit." said Lyle. "They put us in our place, exploited wee weaknesses in us that just meant we lost it at the whistle. I'm revising the team for oor next game, but I'm devestated by this, nae doubt."

Team:
12. Sartré, Alan (GK)
15. O' Sullivan, Will (DL)
2. McManus, Peter (DC)
13. Johansson, Owen (DC)
16. Cartwright, Jimmy (DR)
7. McCann, Phil (MC)
9. Ogilvie, Peter (MC)
18. Piccolo, Steve (MC)
10: Hardie, Robert (SC)
11: Dunn, Martin (SC)
22: Murphy, Gary (SC)

Goal: Hardie (19)
Booked: Cartwright
Sent off: None
Substitutes used: None

Hey, KP, any chance of putting up the links to the Scores and the Rosters threads on the first post? Good idea.

Well, y'know, it's only been done in every single World Cup I've ever been in, so I can't really take credit for it... :roll:

Okay, okay, give me all the credit.

OOC

Our first draw!

IC

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders hold off Bovines

An exciting match, the first WC XII game for the Jeruselem Crusaders drew with BSE Free Bovines 1 ALL. Both teams lacked finishing skills wasting chances, but no one dominated with honours even.

The BSE Free Bovines scored in the dying minutes of 1st half with a decisive goal past a sluggish defense. In the 2nd half, the Bovine seemed to have the measure of Crusader offense until Harry Kewell was tripped by a Bovine defender. He scored the penalty goal in the 50th minute and the game was tied.

After that, both teams seems tired and were unable to finish of the game.

Commerce Heights Bulldogs Fail To Meet Media Expectations Again
COMMERCE HEIGHTS, CH - The Bulldogs once again dissappointed national and international media corporations broadcasting their match against One Red Dot with a 0-0 draw. Though the defense seemed to do its job perfectly well, the offense, with two new forwards to replace the retired Deppiesse and Cahalane, performed poorly in the team's first match against a top-10 team since the World Cup 11 playoff matches against Giant Zucchini. Noel Hicks says that he has wasted no time in getting the team ready for their next match against Costa Lot, which they are expected by nearly everyone to win. When interviewed, backup defender Alan Belmore said that "this has to be the most boring job in the world! We get up at 103:59 AM, play a game, then practice until 590:95 PM!"
(15) Commerce Heights 0
(09) One Red Dot 0 - FT
The group table, though it is nearly completely meaningless at this point in the qualifiers, is below:
[code:1:557ce51bcf]Group 9 P W D L F A GD Pts
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 1 1 0 0 4 0 +4 3
Praying2God (77) 1 1 0 0 2 1 +1 3
Grand master Mark 1 1 0 0 2 1 +1 3
Commerce Heights (15) 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
One Red Dot (9) 1 0 1 0 0 0 0 1
Costa Lot 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
The Master Cooper 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 0
Patinhas 1 0 0 1 0 4 -4 0[/code:1:557ce51bcf]
Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 1: vs #9 One Red Dot – T 0-0
Day 2: at Costa Lot
Day 3: vs #77 Praying2God
Day 4: at #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 5: vs Patinhas
Day 6: vs Grand master Mark
Day 7: at The Master Cooper
Day 8: at #9 One Red Dot
Day 9: vs Costa Lot
Day 10: at #77 Praying2God
Day 11: vs #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 12: at Patinhas
Day 13: at Grand master Mark
Day 14: vs The Master Cooper

D2R Times

Dance 2 Revolution breeze past Flacktania

Dance 2 Revolution 2 - 1 Flacktania

Dance 2 Revolution keep form after winning the Baptism of Fire tournament, with their first win in 90 minutes since the opener of the BoF. Arguably, the score could have been higher, many controvertial offside decisions were made and after an interview with the Football Association of Dance 2 Revolution (FAD2R) the refereeing of John Taylor is being looked into. Dance 2 Revolution strikers Chaos and Vivid many times exploited the poor communication of the Flacktania Defence, managing to score once each in a short amount of time(Chaos 32mins,Vivid 35mins). With Maeda out after a collision with the post in the 41st minute, many fans thought that D2R would lose their flair, creativity, composure and shape, and they did, in the 77th minute, a passback from Terry Dark was too far from Handplant, and Lacktania got one back, not enough to win though, and at the Final Whistle, the score was Dance 2 Revolution 2 - Lacktania 1, An excelent victory to start D2R's World Cup run, but will Maeda be fit for the next match?

Hey, KP, any chance of putting up the links to the Scores and the Rosters threads on the first post? Good idea.

Actually I invented that. One of these days I should make a list of who invented what for the cup. You also might want to change the thread title, it's Friday - MD1.

Sowhatsville News sports section

Hoodoo broken or still in place? No-one is sure?

Halfassed started their WC12 campaign with a trip to jinx team Svecia.
Having previously met Svecia on the occasions, and having lost all of them, things did not look great for the group favorites. Couple this with the fact that Halfassed have not won an opening qualifying game since WC7 and you could see why so many Halfassed citizens had been placing money on the opposition to win.

As it was, Jarvis Smith did a good job rousing his team for this one, and after just 5 minutes, Robin Sherwood continued where he left off in WC11 and scored a delightful goal volleying home a cross from Totti.
Indeed, Sherwood continued with a man-of-the-match performance that showed why Zucchini side Rentruck Rovers had paid almost 15million Warks for his services during the summer.
He scored a second with 28 minutes gone when a long ball from Ducks evaded the Svecian defence, and Sherwood pounced to prod the ball beyond the oncoming keeper.
With seconds to go before the interval Svecia gained a lifeline, as Riddle upended [insert player name] in the box. The Iansislian official pointed to the spot and the Svecian striker got up, dusted himself down and cooly converted the kick, sending Jennung the wrong way.

The second half saw the home side take charge. Halfassed couldn't control the ball for long enough to releive the pressure on the defence and eventually, with just 12mins left Svecia got the equiliser. A neat passing move draged the Halfassed defence all over the place, and eventually the ball found its way to an unmarked [insert name again] who buried the ball passed Jennung.

A frantic final few minutes saw a last gasp tackle from Ducks save the day, while Halfassed had their best chance of the half when a cross from Perfect clipped the defender and landed on the roof of the net with the keeper beaten.

The draw ends Halfassed's run of defeats against Svecia, but it does stop the curse of our side being unable to beat them and continues the run of poor starts to qualifying campaigns. With the clones coming next, that is not a good thing!

Final Score
Svecia 2 (Player 44{pen}, 78)
Halfassed 2 (Sherwood 5, 28)


(Sorry I ain't got a roster out yet, having diffculty with forums 'killing' me and finding time in general!)

For those interested, the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, in conjuction with the Snub Nose 38 Football Association and the Runaway Moose Football Association, will be supplying information relative to our bid to co-host World Cup 13 at the following location.

Snub Nose 38-Runaway Moose Co-host Bid Information (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=123203&highlight=)

Please stop by and have a look.

Ankh-Morpork C-mail
Cockbill Street Department[i]

National Celebration After Shock Win
[i]Header Sparks Glorious Victory

The Cockbill Street team, fresh from international experiences in the Cup of Harmony in Brazillico, now were to fight the world champions from Europa Britannia in the first qualifying game of the World Cup XII campaign. After two failed attempts to get to the finals, the odds with the bookies were about evens for Cockbill Street making it this time. But they were considerably shortened after yesterday's match.

Reason being, of course, the result. Simon Quier's header ten minutes from time beat the Britannian keeper completely and resulted in the 120,000-strong crowd erupting in joy and tears. No one had ever thought of this ever happening, especially after the quite mediocre first half where Michaele Lomardi had three chances alone with Jorn Axewielder - Axewielder saving them all.

The second half, however, was excellent. The defense worked as a unit, trapping Lomardi offside for a total of six times, and the attackers had many fine breakthroughs on the wing, especially on the left, which was occupied by a Britannian right back with stamina roughly equal to that of a parrot. That meant that Bjorn Axewielder, and later his substitute, Calcite, had quite a fun day in the second half. Their many crosses often found the heads of the strikers Brashear, Pollock and Quier, and it was in fact in this way that Quier scored the only goal of the match.

There are still many difficult matches ahead, but Cockbill Street have proven themselves to be one of the better teams in Group 8 with this victory. The first small step on the road to Kaze Progressa and Lemmitania has been taken, and we hope that it the road is not as slippery as those which led to One Red Dot and Giant Zucchini or Total and Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards.

Cockbill Street team: J Axewielder 7 - Chalky 5, Carpenter 6, Harmison 6 - B Axewielder 7, Petisha 5, Hauritz 6, H Axewielder 6 - Quier 7, Brashear 7, Pollock 6.

Average ratings for WCXII: Jorn Axewielder 7 (7/1), Calcium-carbonate 5 (5/1), Helen Carpenter 6 (6/1), Peter Harmison 6 (6/1), Bjorn Axewielder 7 (7/1), Adam Petisha 5 (5/1), Robert Hauritz 6 (6/1), Harald Axewielder 6 (6/1), Simon Quier 7 (7/1), Chris Brashear 7 (7/1), Greg Pollock 6 (6/1)

TBF trounce Aneautus Rising in front off a 100,000 packed crowd

The Belmore Family got their World Cup 12 campaign with a sound victory over Anteaus Rising. With Price, Belmore and Smith all scoring the match will go down as one of TBF's most successful.

The first began with no indication of the score line that was to follow. Anteaus Rising holding most of the possession letting only 1 TBF shot away in the first 20 minutes. In those 20 however there was 5 great shots by the Anteautans kept narrowly out by Pini. The Belmorians however hung on and by the 40th minute we had managed to turn the game around with Daniel Price heading in a simple goal to give the Belmorians a well earned lead.

In the second half the Belmorians dominated. After Fimion Belmore placed a second past <player 1> the match was dead and buried. All AR could hope for now was not too lose by more than two goals but sadly on the 77th minute Fosam Smith demolished that dream giving The Belmore Family an easy 3-0 win leaving them on top of group 6.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 3

ANTEAUS RISING 0

The scene: Santwa National Stadium. Packed to the rafters for the country's international debut, some of the taller fans up there must be bumping their head against the concrete roofing. The stadium could be a flashback to the 1960s - or earlier - but the Altos would prefer that, or anything, to the glass roof of Busby National Stadium, where several players suffered injuries through the intervention of Ella Forrest singing the Busbian national anthem transposed up an octave into the glass roof of the South Stand with the Altos forced to stand in the way of the fragments.

In the away dressing room, Itasae Murritko addressed her side.

'OK. Concrete roofing here, and I've checked with the stadium manager and they're going to have Gary Wabin, a baritone singing the national anthem,' she said, with a great deal of relief in her husky voice. 'Never heard of him myself, but rather him than Ella, eh?'

Marianne Oaks, who had the worst of the experiences with Ella, was particularly relieved. As she led the team through a series of vocal and physical warm-ups (mostly the latter though today), it was clear that everyone sensed this was their chance to shine.

As they entered the stadium, Marianne's heart sunk slightly. A Santwan banner fluttered in the East Stand, with the words 'Ella Forrest is our hero'. Marianne turned to Itasae. 'There's no glass roofing here, it's OK Marianne, it's OK.' Marianne nodded in reluctant agreement. The Santwan could hope for an Ella, but none would come.

Free to play open, attractive football by some fairly nervous - or perhaps shocking - defending from the Santwanese side, the Altos did just that, and took a richly deserved lead on 21 minutes when a low cross from Iva Walsh fell onto the left foot of Florence Laughlin, who barely noticed that she had poked the ball into the ground and into the net.

Santwa pushed forward desperately, as if there were seven minutes left in the match and not seventy. Their reward came seventeen minutes later, on 38 minutes, after several good chances for each side. It came when <player 7>'s mazy run from midfield bamboozled both and before his low drive left Oaks as stationary as a tree. 1-1 with seven minutes left in the half, and it was still 1-1 at the break.

'Everything but the scoreline is in our favour. We're outplaying them, they got lucky with their breakaway, and frankly anything can still happen - but most likely is a win for us!' proclaimed Oaks after the break. And that assertion seemed unchallengeable after the break as the Altos dominated proceedings, Laughlin and Rosa Rosenblatt both forcing fine saves just either side of the hour mark, before the inevitable arrived on 66 minutes, when Wanda Flowers sidestepped a Santwanese defender to enter the edge of the penalty area before being bought down by another. Laughlin comfortably struck the penalty low to the keeper's left, taking him the wrong way. The Altos started singing through the final twenty minutes; their passing was equally harmonious as they barely gave the Santwanese a sniff.

Nobody expects them to win the World Cup, or even make it; 'Besides, quite a lot of the stadia being used have got glass roofing,' quipped substitute Sherry Kidd, the only member of the team unable to go more than an octave below middle C - 'although I might be able to now,' she said hopefully. The next club meeting will take place before the club's second match, against Bedistan in the Norah Jones International Stadium.

Insider informs TBF of secret random number gnerations

A top government civil servant last night informed The Daily Scandle that the World Cup Football Matches are not acctually played out on a 45 minute half game but generated by a Microshit Excel 2003 document. It has been alledged that our rivals The Daily Belmorian has "sexed up" the scores into a full blown match report. It has been said that these "sexed up" results are thanks to Alister Belmore, the government spin-doctor.

The governement does not know whether there are 45 minute halfs in the World Cup. I would even go as far to say that because Stat Progressa has a crap super computer Alan Belmore himself needed to generate the results himself. It is also well known in the ministry that the Secret service play an active role in making up these 45 minute claims just to keep the Belmorians on target for their WC13 hosting bid.

When Alan Belmore was questioned about this incident he gave us a written statement saying:

AThe Governments denies all allegations

We'll bring you the latest as it happens.

Insider informs TBF of secret random number gnerations

A top government civil servant last night informed The Daily Scandle that the World Cup Football Matches are not acctually played out on a 45 minute half game but generated by a Microshit Excel 2003 document. It has been alledged that our rivals The Daily Belmorian has "sexed up" the scores into a full blown match report. It has been said that these "sexed up" results are thanks to Alister Belmore, the government spin-doctor.

The governement does not know whether there are 45 minute halfs in the World Cup. I would even go as far to say that because Stat Progressa has a crap super computer Alan Belmore himself needed to generate the results himself. It is also well known in the ministry that the Secret service play an active role in making up these 45 minute claims just to keep the Belmorians on target for their WC13 hosting bid.

When Alan Belmore was questioned about this incident he gave us a written statement saying:

AThe Governments denies all allegations

We'll bring you the latest as it happens.

In a surprising result The Indigo Islands tie the Lowlands Clans 1 - 1.

This was the Indigo Island’s first showing on the world stage and it showed. A very nervous squad looked across the field at the mighty Lowland Clan forces. The Lowlanders scored first in the 21st minute as a lowland clans forward split the defending forces to put a powerful blast past Chester Smith.

In the second half they continued the strong attack and it seemed as though they were going to put the match away. However, The Clansman seemed to be a little confused by the unorthodox 2 – 5 – 4 defense. However a series of quick outlet passes put the ball at the feet of Wolf Madison who neatly put it past the keeper.

For the rest of the match The Lowland Clans pushed the Indigo Island defense almost to the breaking point with a consistent and strong attack for a winning goal. However the untested Islanders held up to the pressure to come away with an unexpected point.

RP bonuses have been posted to the rankings discussion thread (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=95968&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=149), and day 2 scores (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2737851#2737851) to the scores thread.

ANTAEN PRESIDENT ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO ILLITERATE BELMORE FAMILY

There was nationwide uproar today, as Belmorian gutter press misspelt Antaeus numerous times. An emergency meeting of the World Government was called. In order to uphold Antaen honour the President demanded that the uneducated Belmorians hand over 100,000,000 tons of metal or face the unstoppable power of the Antaen fleet.

"We don't believe in war, but if there is something we can't tolerate it's the unbelievable stupidity of these people. The first thing we will do once their country has been taken over is be to implement a free education system. Oh, I know what you are thinking. There won't be a war if they hand over the metal, but let's face it; their is no one intelligent enough in their country to do that."

Telewest, more like Telecrap. We are the goodest in the league!!

(grumbles something about the bloody server, and swears he clicked submit no more than once)

Personal journal of Ralph S. Ferguson, staff writer for the Ianapalis Star-Tribune, written after interviewing the Underminister of Sports, Games, and Recreation:

2/13

The Ians drew again today, one-one with Audioslavia. Truman scored his first. I wish I could say more about the match, but I’ve got to write down this most bizarre experience that I had afterwards.

I went to interview Sir Gregory [Penns-McCormick, Underminister for Sports, Games, and Recreation] today. There were only about 13,000 fans at the Audioslavia match, and the powers-that-pee* wanted his take on the recent apathy. Why, I don’t know. I’ve met the man before, and he’s nothing but an idiot in the worst sense of the word.

The interview started out fairly calmly. PM† appeared to have been drinking, but nothing so bad as I would have expected. I asked him a few basic questions, and he answered them easily.

Then I got the real humdinger. “To what do you attribute the decreasing attendance at Ians matches?” I asked, hoping that I may be able to conclude the interview while still in possession of my sanity. Sadly, that was not to be: I could tell from the second that PM furrowed his brow that I was in for quite a ride.

“Well, Mr. Ferguson, I would have to say it’s the result of a multitude of causes.” I smiled at the evasive legalese; perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad! I asked him to elaborate - if only he had refused. It would have been a tip of my hat, a “farewell, sir!” and I’d’ve been home free. But no!

After availing himself of a nearby bottle of whiskey, PM continued, though his words were starting to come out with a slight slur. “If you forced me to pick one cause, I’d have to say it’s those damn Gulls. Everyone’s flippin’ hockey-mad down here. It’s the Gulls-that, the Gulls-this. Never the Ians-anything!”

Before I could gracefully back out of the room - hell, I’d have even settled for ungracefully! - something switched on inside PM’s head. With his eyes suddenly lighting up, as if he were a ten year old in a candy store, PM leapt from his chair and danced about in a circle, shouting “I’ve got it! I’ve got it!” He then called for his assistant.

“Cunningham! Cunningham! Get in here!” the funny little man bellowed, perhaps forgetting there was an esteemed member of the press present. “By Patrick, I’ve the most brilliant idea! Cunningham!”

I was ready to jump out the window by the time his assistant, red-faced and panting for breath, appeared.

“Y-yes?” he stammered to PM, apparently on the verge of an all out heart attack.

“Cunningham, I’ve realized why we aren’t drawing anyone! I’m a genius, Cunningham!” I didn’t even have time to debate that point before he continued. “Listen to this idea! Dianatran!”

There was a long pause.

“Um, Sir Gregory,” said Cunningham slowly, who was not only actively trying not to insult his boss but apparently searching for some way to compliment the moron, “that’s not an idea, per se. It’s really more of a geographical location.”

“I know that, Cunningham!” shouted PM, waving his arms about like a Knootian windmill. “I mean, Dianatran!” There was another long pause, and apparently Cunningham wasn’t too eager to ask for elaboration again. I was eying the door. After nearly a full minute of uncomfortable silence, PM went off by himself. “Damn it man, can’t you see? Everyone’s hockey-mad on the Shield, so we take football to the Southern Dominions! It doesn’t snow in Dianatran, does it?”

Cunningham looked desperately at me. I could only shrug. After a second, the assistant cleared his throat. “Um, sir, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t snow in Dianatran ..”

“It hardly even rains,” I interjected. Both ignored me.

“...but I’m at least fairly certain they don’t have any proper football venues down there.” Cunningham looked more than fairly certain; he looked positive.

“Well, it’s your job to make it damn well work!” bellowed PM, the veins on his great purple face standing out more clearly for every syllable. Cunningham fled as quickly as he could. PM opened his liquor cabinet, removed a bottle of pre-made laudanum, and downed nearly a quarter of it in one great go. I advised him that it was usually not best to mix one’s opiates with one’s liquor, and he turned about so suddenly and with an expression of shock so severe I thought for sure there must have been an axe-murderer sneaking up behind me.

As it turned out, I - a member of the press - had been present for one of the great, and apparently secret, decision-making processes in the Underministry. He advised me that if I were to publish anything of that sort in my article that he’d never give another interview to an IanCorpº publication, then re-summoned Cunningham that he may throw me out into the street.

I had never been so rudely treated by the government; in fact, only his thinly veiled threat kept me from striking out for my typewriter at once.

(*his wife, who found this and submitted the journal for publication, was not sure if that was an honest mistake or some sort of puerile insult.

† assumed to stand for Penns-McCormick, or else the Prime Minister.

º shorthand for the Iansislean International Telegraph Corporation.)

Marie Law (MeL): I'm coming to you live from a packed House of Prayer where the Warriors have just concluded their second match of qualifying for World Cup XII against Grand Master Mark. Joining me today is Warriors Head Coach Martin Luther. Coach, how do you think things went today?

Martin Luther (MaL): To put it simply...we stunk today. I think our team had spent a little too much time celebrating their win yesterday, and weren't mentally ready for our match today. Hopefully this will prove to our team that they need to be ready to play every single match, or they can get beat, even by a new team, because we don't have much experience ourselves.

MeL: What are you going to do about it?

MaL: There's not much that I can do that I haven't done already. I have them physically ready to play. That's my job. It's their job to be mentally ready to play and to execute what we worked on.

MeL: How tough is it to lose a game 0-1? Especially at home?

MaL: It's tougher than getting left standing at the altar when you're about to get married. This was a game that we should have won easily, even though we knew that they could play because they won their opener.

MeL: And things don't get any easier, do they?

MaL: Nope, a road game isn't a good thing for a team that's struggling to be mentally ready. It's even tougher when you have to go to one of the toughest places to win against a highly ranked opponent.

MeL: Thanks for your time Coach. We wish you the best of luck in your next match.

MaL: Thanks Marie.

MeL: That's all from here. Let's go back to Jennifer in the studio.

Jennifer Johnson: Thanks Marie. We certainly pray that the Warriors have a better result in their next match. To summarize for those who just tuned in...the Warriors handed their match to Grand Master Mark 0-1 today at home leaving them in third place in their group after the second day of qualifying. Good night everybody.



PRAYING2GOD 0

Grand Master Mark 1 <player> (79th minute)


Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 2 of 14 matches):

Grand Master Mark 2-0-0, 6 points, +2 GD
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 1-0-1, 4 points, +4 GD
PRAYING2GOD (74) 1-1-0, 3 points, 0 GD
Commerce Heights (15) 0-0-2, 2 points, 0 GD
One Red Dot (11) 0-0-2, 2 points, 0 GD
Costa Lot 0-1-1, 1 point, -1 GD
The Master Cooper 0-1-1, 1 point, -1 GD
Patinhas 0-1-1, 1 point, -4 GD

Eagle's Nest Wins First World Cup Match

Strike Birds take lead in Quailfying Group 11

In front of a full and rowdy Silver Flame Stadium, The Strike Birds were able to control the tempo of the game the entire time, posting their first ever World Cup Win over Holy India 3-0.

The first half was a chess match between Coach Aefnen and the Holy India defense. At the half, the game was still scoreless. Coach Aefnen came out and moved one of his defenders into the midfield and added a 4th striker to the front. The move rattled the defense of Holy India and very quickly the match turned our way.

A strike down the left from Ralphie "Big Boy" Bigelow to Striker Josh Adams set up a one on one with their goalie, which Adams put the ball home at 48:15. Three minutes later, Nest history was made as Midfielder Trena Secour, who had been moved up to help the attack headed in a beautiful corner kick to make it 2-nil at 51:03. Secour is the first female to score wearing the black eagle of the Nest.

It was evident that the Holy India Defense was rattled by this flurry and failed to get the ball into the Nest end for the next 20 minutes. The final score was set when striker Brady Brillen lobbed a ball over the heads of the defenders and just squeaked in the left sidebar.

The 78,000 screaming fans of the Strike Birds didn't leave until the victorious side had taken a lap around the pitch. The Birds thanked the fans as they went around.

"This is the most amazing game we have ever played," said Adams, "If only every game could be like this."

"The results came in and we are leading the group?" said Coach Aefnen when informed of this. "While we may be on cloud nine, we have to get ready for our next match tomorrow. We play a scrappy Jeruselem team who hasn't lost yet. Besides, we have a long way to go before this qualifiers are over. We'll win some, we'll lose some. but we have to get ready for tomorrow and not take any game for granted.

Tomorrow's game will be in Jereselum. Make sure you have you passport and ticket verified before you leave the Nest.

On other news, it appears that the infamous Brazillico tickets arrived in the mail yesterday from Spaam. The note says that they got these and they have no use for them. Apparently, the package got caught up in customs.

Scoring:
Eagle's Nest

J. Adams - 48:15 (2)
T. Secour - 51:03 (1)
B. Brillen - 79:59 (1)

Holy India

None

[code:1:dd19322f2b]

Standings

GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Eagles Nest 2 1 1 0 4 1 +3 4
Oglethorpia 2 1 1 0 5 3 +2 4
Spaam 2 1 0 1 4 4 0 3
Holy India 2 1 0 1 2 4 -2 3
Brazillico 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
Jeruselem 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
The Weegies 2 0 1 1 3 4 -1 1
BSE Free Bovines 2 0 1 1 2 4 -2 1

[/code:1:dd19322f2b]

Results:

Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India Win 3-0
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam

The Midway Journal

The Doctor Is In
But we didn't quite win

AVENGING ALTOS -- Poor performance and poor luck caused the Bedistan Lions to fall to #90 Avenging Altos today.

The Lions would score first, as midfielder Walter Marley was given a free kick in the 22nd minute. Marley played the ball up to Neil Palin, who headed it on to Javier Lewey. After backtracking a couple yards, Lewey sent a nice chip up over the Altos' goalkeeper and into the net to give the visitors a 1-0 lead. Or so he thought; the Aquillan referee ruled Lewey offside and the goal was not counted.

Things then got a little ugly. The Altos received a corner kick, and goalkeeper Erik Oldenburg parried the shot. Unfortunately, it went directly into the face of an Avenging Altos striker, knocking her out. The referee showed Oldenburg a yellow card and gave the Altos a penalty kick. The kick easily went into the net, giving the Altos a 1-0 lead at halftime.

On the other side of halftime, a similar fate befell the other side as poor Darren Morlock was accidentally kicked where no man wants to be kicked while in the box. He fell hard on his right leg and had to be carried off the pitch. The Altos' defender was shown the yellow and Lions manager Johnny Lewis brought in "Doctor" Gil Vu to replace the injured Morlock. The good Doctor is renowned for his skill at penalty kicks, having scored an astounding twelve penalties for the High Mountain Buffalo last season. Dr. Vu did not disappoint, as the goalkeeper had no chance of stopping his shot. The Lions had tied the match.

But disaster would strike again. Just thirteen minutes before full time, Erik Oldenburg had to advance several yards to save a screamer bound straight for the goal. Unfortunately, he had to move farther forward than he thought, and the ref called him for handballing outside his area. In utter disgust, Oldenburg punted the football some seventy yards high into the grandstands. Not surprisingly, he was shown a second yellow, forcing him to leave the pitch. Lewis made an emergency substitution, taking out tiring midfielder Pearlie Tenner in favor of substitute goalie Tabitha Fukushima.

The Altos were awarded a free kick for Oldenburg's handball, and the curving shot went in off the post, giving Avenging Altos a 2-1 lead that they would maintain until the final whistle.

Erik Oldenburg has been banned for the next match, and the Bedistan Football Association will decide if he will face any further suspension. Darren Morlock is also likely to miss the next match due to his...unfortunate...injury.

[code:1:fcc832a834]Final score:
Avenging Altos 2 (<player> pen 40, <player> 78)
Bedistan 1 (Vu pen 52)[/code:1:fcc832a834]

Matchday 1: #25 Bedistan v Erratic Blobs (Skytouch Stadium, High Mountain) W 2-1
Matchday 2: #90 Avenging Altos v #25 Bedistan (Norah Jones International Stadium, AVA) L 1-2
Matchday 3: #25 Bedistan v Talyllyn (Orange Stadium, San Diego)
Matchday 4: #25 Bedistan v Santwa (Stephen Rogers Mem. Stad., Yuba)
Matchday 5: #36 Kerla v #25 Bedistan
Matchday 6: #56 Sliponia v #25 Bedistan
Matchday 7: #25 Bedistan v #13 Rejistania (James Parker Nat'l Stad., Midway)
Matchday 8: Erratic Blobs v #25 Bedistan
Matchday 9: #25 Bedistan v #90 Avenging Altos (Frederickson Mem. Stad., Amissville)
Matchday 10: Talyllyn v #25 Bedistan
Matchday 11: Santwa v #25 Bedistan
Matchday 12: #25 Bedistan v #36 Kerla (Stadium of the South, Dennis)
Matchday 13: #25 Bedistan v #56 Sliponia (Holmes Stadium, Columbia)
Matchday 14: #13 Rejistania v #25 Bedistan (Sen-La-Sa~o Prom. Stad., KaMaRi kali, REJ)

The mighty Nomads of Gormith followed up their initial victory over OPArsenal (2-1, goals scored by Garx in the 27th minute and Gorm II in the 88th) with a 1-0 shutout of NewCuba today, to seize Max Points after 1/7 of the qualifying campaign.

A scoreless first half was only highlighted by a pair of shots off the posts by Gleep, and it appeared a defensive duel was going to commense in the second half.

But then, just as boredom set in, Garx split the defense and pounded a shot to the back of the net to give Gormith the 1-0 lead which held through the remaining 38 minutes.

The victory puts Gormith third in qualifying group 8 on goal differential (+2), but with matches remaining against each of the top two teams, just about anything is possible.

Team Leaders:

Goals:
Garx 2
Gorm II 1

Part 4 – A crossing of Paths
A notch on the table for them, and they returned for their homecoming against Big Butts.

“Hey Shets?” Asked Brian Morstedd, as the team suited up in their teal, black, and white kits in the locker room of Stadia Kingford. “You know this team, Big Butts?”

“Yeah…” He felt as if he knew where he was going with this.

“Well, since their butts are so big, couldn’t they do like a, Butt Transplant with Halfassed States?”

“Hey Morstedd?”

“Yeah Shets?”

“Shut up.”

“Heh, alright.”

The game was starting, before the tens of thousands of fans on their feet at Stadia, notably among them was current King Paul Ordan, of Yeovil County; The Sheriff of Crimpton County; and, unknown to the latter, one Henry Tuck, in a pre-prepared Velcro Suit, Cell Phone in hand.

“Hello, Consolidated Stadium Ticket Registrar?”
…….. …, ..’. …… ……
“Ticket Sales? Right, whatever. Can I speak to Chummy Rivers?”
…… ……?
“Just call out the name, they’ll know who they are.”
…. . ……. .. ….. . ‘…… ……’ ….?
… ….?
“Yeah, that’s me. Listen, is everything set tonight for Jeruselem?”
…’.. …. .. …
“Super. I’ll be there.”

The whistle blew, cuing the game, and Henry, to start action. As Tom Place passed it off to Carl Shetfield, Henry Tuck ran out on to the field, past security, ripping off his Velcro Suit. In his sheer nudity, he was noticed by the whole stadium, including The Sheriff of Crimpton County.

“What the ____?” Declared the Sheriff.

Tuck took the ball, and kicked it into the Big Butts Goal. The keeper took the ball out of the goal, before it was stolen by Tuck again, who kicked it a second time. This process was repeated once more, leaving the score at Kingsford 3, Big Butts 0. The match was postponed, and ultimately ended, as Tuck exited the stadium trailed by a myriad of security officers and the sheriff of Crimpton County. He eventually reached a Geo Metro waiting out side the stadium, heading east towards Tattershall, and ultimately Oglethorpia.

Final Score:
Kingsford 3
(Tuck 1,1,1)
Big Butts 0

First win in World Cup 12 Qualifying

Les Bleus got off to their first win in of the World Cup 12 qualifying round, against AlanShearer, 2 - 0 at home in Le Stade d'Eauz. Les Bleus are tied for 3rd with 4 teams out of 8 teams after 2 games, with a suprise team Rinkeby leading the pack with 6 points. Though, Rinkeby, has yet to play any competition, and thus, could be a bust later in qualifying. The next game is against a hard team in Squornshelous.

Day 1: Eauz @ Giant Zucchini L 1 - 4
Day 2: AlanShearer @ Eauz W 0 - 2
Day 3: Eauz @ Squornshelous
Day 4: Mattigool @ Eauz
Day 5: Eauz @ Valient
Day 6: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Day 7: Eauz @ Rinkeby

Day 8: Giant Zucchini @ Eauz
Day 9: Eauz @ AlanShearer
Day 10: Squornshelous @ Eauz
Day 11: Eauz @ Mattigool
Day 12: Valient @ Eauz
Day 13: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Day 14: Eauz @ Rinkeby

[code:1:6bfabd475e]
GROUP 7 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Rinkeby 2 2 0 0 3 0 3 6 42
Giant Zucchini 2 1 1 0 5 2 3 4 40
Squornshelous 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3 39
Eauz 2 1 0 1 3 4 -1 3 39
Valient 2 1 0 1 3 4 -1 3 39
AlanShearer 2 1 0 1 1 2 -1 3 39
Mattigool 2 0 1 1 3 4 -1 1 37
Creedence Clearwater 2 0 0 2 1 3 -2 0 36
[/code:1:6bfabd475e]

The World Cup Daily Update

Error: We apologise for an error in our previous issue stating that LE were in Group 7. That was in WCXI, and the editor has been fired.

Liverpool England Gain Away Win: Alex the Tall 1 Liverpool England 2

Alex The Tall 1 (<player 7> 14)
Liverpool England 2 (<player 3> og 17, Blackwell 18)

In a match with play dominated by Liverpool England, three goals came in the first half, and no less than seven attempts had been ruled out for offside or fouls.

The match could well have ended 8-2 to Liverpool England, with a Steven Blackwell fluke goal ruled out because Howard Christopher had been flagged offside.

And right at the other end, a quick break away found <player> 15 offside, and within 4 minutes of the start of the game it had two ruled-out goals. No attempts at goal were made until the 14th minute when, surprisingly, Alex The Tall struck first, against the run of play. Blackwell had gone down from a challenge, but the referee had let play continue. Goalkeeper Mark Hearne decided to put the ball out for a corner so that his injured teammate could be attended to. He was stretchered off the field and was ready to come back on when <player 5> struck the corner. Instead of sportingly letting the corner go out of play, <player 7> pounced and scored. To LE players' frustration, and against their complaints, the referee gave the goal and allowed it to stand. 1-0.

Barely a minute later, LE found themselves cursing at the officials again when a Christopher header was disallowed for a push on <player 2>. The resulting free kick however, had different consequenses. <Player 2> struck the freekick right onto the head of his teammate <player 3>, who did not have enough time to react. The goalkeeper, seemingly stunned, did not do anything as the ball whizzed past him to level the scores at 1-1, to the Liverpool Englanders' delight.

The play restarted, with Alex The Tall going to a 5-3-2 to protect the single point. However, that backfired too when the offside trap against Blackwell's approach just 35 second after the bizarre own goal failed to materialise in time, finding themselves caught out of position. The shot hit the back of the net. 2-1, and it was all a challenge again.

Alex The Tall going to a 3-3-4 to try and catch the LE defence off gaurd, failing as another 4 shots hit the back of the net - all disallowed for offside - it seemed that the offside rule worked better using a 3-3-4. At full time, Alex The Tall 1 LE 2.

The World Cup Daily Update

Error: We apologise for an error in our previous issue stating that LE were in Group 7. That was in WCXI, and the editor has been fired.

Liverpool England Gain Away Win: Alex the Tall 1 Liverpool England 2

Alex The Tall 1 (<player 7> 14)
Liverpool England 2 (<player 3> og 17, Blackwell 18)

In a match with play dominated by Liverpool England, three goals came in the first half, and no less than seven attempts had been ruled out for offside or fouls.

The match could well have ended 8-2 to Liverpool England, with a Steven Blackwell fluke goal ruled out because Howard Christopher had been flagged offside.

And right at the other end, a quick break away found <player> 15 offside, and within 4 minutes of the start of the game it had two ruled-out goals. No attempts at goal were made until the 14th minute when, surprisingly, Alex The Tall struck first, against the run of play. Blackwell had gone down from a challenge, but the referee had let play continue. Goalkeeper Mark Hearne decided to put the ball out for a corner so that his injured teammate could be attended to. He was stretchered off the field and was ready to come back on when <player 5> struck the corner. Instead of sportingly letting the corner go out of play, <player 7> pounced and scored. To LE players' frustration, and against their complaints, the referee gave the goal and allowed it to stand. 1-0.

Barely a minute later, LE found themselves cursing at the officials again when a Christopher header was disallowed for a push on <player 2>. The resulting free kick however, had different consequenses. <Player 2> struck the freekick right onto the head of his teammate <player 3>, who did not have enough time to react. The goalkeeper, seemingly stunned, did not do anything as the ball whizzed past him to level the scores at 1-1, to the Liverpool Englanders' delight.

The play restarted, with Alex The Tall going to a 5-3-2 to protect the single point. However, that backfired too when the offside trap against Blackwell's approach just 35 second after the bizarre own goal failed to materialise in time, finding themselves caught out of position. The shot hit the back of the net. 2-1, and it was all a challenge again.

Alex The Tall going to a 3-3-4 to try and catch the LE defence off gaurd, failing as another 4 shots hit the back of the net - all disallowed for offside - it seemed that the offside rule worked better using a 3-3-4. At full time, Alex The Tall 1 LE 2.

Queldas Hikari - Rul Isio Nesuntel A Seserim

What the Hell?
First Two Matches Leave Nikeans Asking "What the Hell is Going On?"
by Markenin Markenel

INDIGO ISLAND(NP) - When the Nikean Pandas failed to qualify for the last World Cup, much finger-pointing ensued. Many veterans retired. Perin the Panda returned to his alcoholic ways. Many wives and girlfriends relished the chance at extra time watching THEIR shows instead of "that boring ball game", and many men spent their time trying to make the aforementioned wives and girlfriends happy, in order to "fill the time".

One thing that didn't happen, although it seemed like it would be the most obvious, was the firing of manager Jaskelainen Tenerethitel. Jaski still stayed on board as Panda manager, as he had experience in coaching the substitutes to success two Cups ago. With the retirement of many veterans, he was left with a team whose average age was 16.1 years old.

And so, Jaski was left to manage a group of teenagers, who were more concerned with their own hobbies than football. Some liked computers, some liked money, some were only playing to impress any hot girls in the stands. Regardless of where their minds were, Jaski was left with the difficult task of getting these 18 young minds focused on the match at hand. And that meant he would be paying a lot of money on incentives to get these kids to play. After his personal accountant informed him that he would be able to right off the incentives on his taxes, he felt a lot better about his wallet, and set down to the hard task of whipping the young children into shape.

The first match was against a new side, and at home, a fact that gave much relief to the long time national side manager. Even more fortunate for Tenerethitel was the fact that, due to some flight mix ups, the team from Abysmalistan showed up instead.

"I was very excited," Jaski said in a one-on-one post-match interview with Jasinen Lasertel, host of Football Tonight on NTV2. "These kids needed a really bad team to get their confidence level up, even if they didn't really care about the match except for the 90 minutes it took to play it. Plus, the fact that I said that if they won by more than 3 goals, every player would receive a brand new SpelAstoniu 3, furnished by the FA of course."

The match started very well for the Pandas. Abysmalistan kicked off, and they began what seemed to be a complicated passing system to get the ball away from the fiery young Nikeans. Unfortunately, a pass back to the keeper went astray, and found its way into the back of the net. The Pandas didn't even have a touch yet, and they were already up 1-0.

After Abysmalistan/Rachakidia kicked off again, they decided to try their luck at defending, and gave the ball to an eager Seserin Serenitel, who could barely contain his excitement at the possibility of a new SA3. Obviously, the Abysmalistan/Rachakidia team thought that since passing it around cost them an own goal, they would give it away and see what happens. Unfortunately for the visitors, the 15-year-old Serenitel ran straight down the middle of the field and managed to elude the 10 defending players, and score past a distracted goalkeeper, who was looking at the 19 year old Nikean actress Jenninrë Mortethel, who was sitting in the front row behind the net. Before the 3 minute mark, the Pandas were up 2-0.

Following this lacklustre display by Abysmalistan/Rachakidia, the Pandas went out of control. The three central midfielders, Keseteretel, Okimatel, and Edhel, decided to hold a debate about the pros and cons of the latest "Ninja Grannies" computer game. Forward Ichirou Kitase sat at midfield and looked through a mail-order catalog, and keeper Darinen Feretel headed to the other side of the field to flirt with Jenninrë Mortethel. All 11 Panda starters were doing their own thing, and not paying any attention to the match. Jaski screamed at them from the sidelines for a couple of minutes, before realizing that Abysmalistan/Rachakidia, despite having no competition whatsoever, still were having problems getting the ball out of their own 18-yard box. After another own goal made it 3-0, Jaski resigned to sitting on the bench, and had a celebratory vodka with mascot Perin the Panda. The half didn't end there, however, as 3 minutes before half-time, Feretel got into a heated debate with the Abysmalistan/Rachakidian keeper about who the young blonde actress liked better. Despite them both not understanding each other, Feretel ran onto the field, and an errant pass by an Abysmalistani defender hit Feretel and wound up in the back of the net. 4-0 at half-time.

The second half saw little action, although Orin Edhel got bored of the discussion of Ninja Grannies and decided to kick the ball around until full time. The whistle mercifully blew, but not before Edhel's juggling attempts turned into two Nikean goals. Final score, Nikea 6, Abysmalistan/Rachakidia 0.

[code:1:044119fb1a]
Nikea 6 (Serenitel 2, <Abysmalistan player> 3 [OG], <Abysmalistan player> 15 [OG], Feretel 42, Edhel 63, 81)
v.
Abysmalistan/Rachakidia 0
[/code:1:044119fb1a]

The next match was an away match at Indigo Islands, a newcomer who managed to hold The Lowland Clans to a 1-1 draw on the opening matchday. Jaski told his players that he was proud of the way they played in the first match, but that they would actually have to concentrate on the game at hand this time around. He promised the players that they could bring their new SA3s onto the trip, but they would only be allowed to play them if they won.

The kids came out fired up. They pressed early on, and were quite unlucky on many occasions, with shots hitting the bar, or just going wide. They were rewarded, however, when Midorin Torendel's blast hit the top right corner in the 30th minute, giving the Pandas a 1-0 lead.

Following the goal, the team played a tight defensive game, and resorted to making chances off of Indigo Island mistakes. For much of the 2nd half, the ball remained between the two 18-yard-boxes, but the visitors scored one more time, when Ichirou Kitase showed great skill in depositing the ball behind the keeper, who was drawn out of position. When the full time whistle went, the Pandas extended their winning streak to two matches, as well as driving their goal differential up to +8 after only two matches.

Jaski is open to suggestions for incentives for his team for future matches. He can be reached care of the Nikean FA offices in Queldas.

[code:1:044119fb1a]
Indigo Island 0
v.
Nikea 2 (Torendel 30, Kitase 72)
[/code:1:044119fb1a]

The Daily Druid

UNION RED DRUIDS SAME OLD STORY
Ian Question-Mark in The Redavic Union for The Redavic Union 2 NEWI Cefn Druids 0

NEWI Cefn Druids came down to earth with a bang yesterday, when the longest run of wins in their history was ended after a paltry one game by a feisty Redavic Union team.

Simon Greaves was absent after picking up an injury for his club Parkville in midweek, so Ellis Mbaka came into the team in the only change in the line up from the victory against SterlingIce. However, you would have thought it was eleven different players by the way they played.

The determination and the will to win was much greater from new boys the Union, who battled for every ball, passed with more urgency and looked like they were motivated, unlike the Druids, who looked as if they’d won one game, and that would do.

The goals were nothing to spectacular, but typical of the Union’s display – solid and gritty. The first came on 32 minutes, when a corner from <player11> was met in the centre by <player6>, who rose above the challenge of Eric Lanton and headed past a helpless Erg.

The second goal was midway through the second half, when Leyghton was tackled on the half way line by <player8>. The ball span past the Druid defenders, who were caught unawares, and <player9> sneaked around the back of them and rounded Erg to finish for 2-0.

The best the Druids could muster was when the Union defence tried to play Mbaka offside, but Mbaka’s attempted lob of the onrushing keeper could only hit the top of the bar and go over the top.

A goal would have been more than the Druids deserved, though. They were sloppy in their passing, and lacked motivation. However, manager Tim Welsh leapt to their defence. He told us, “You can’t expect instant success in this game. OK, I was talking us up a bit before, but I still mean everything I said – we have a chance in every game we play. The thing is, if we don’t grasp the chance, then the other team will. That’s what happened here today – they took the chance of three points by playing well, we didn’t. All credit to them. Now we have to prepare for our home game against True Yorkshire as best we can, and try to steer the good ship Druid in the right direction.”

Tickets for the game against True Yorkshire at Dave’s Shed in Dave are sold out. Tickets for the games against Tanah Burung and Halfassedstates go on sale next Thursday.

Final score:
The Redavic Union 2
NEWI Cefn Druids 0

Druids team: (4-4-2 [4-5-1 45]) Erg; Kallins, Pearson, Yates, Lanton; James, Trevor, Leyghton [Rowlands 45], Simpson; Frederiksson [Hinton 45], Mbaka.

Decree of Decreased Ignorance

From: The Sheriff of Crimpton County
To: The Citizens of Kingsford

I am appalled at the blatant disrespect shown by one Henry Tuck at the qualifying match against Big Butts earlier this afternoon. I am embarking, because of lack of support, on a personal crusade to find one Henry Tuck. I have set out from my office in Stokesay, Crimpton County, to find and arrest Henry Tuck for the now countless offenses he holds. What was a playful nuisance has become an irritating small pox pustule that when I itch off, it’s filled with puss and it oozes everywhere and gets all over a decree I had just prepared, but it was ruined by my diseased annoyance, so I had to re-write it all over again.

Ahem.

Since no one at the Sheriff’s Office of Crimpton County, or the similar offices in Uppurmaen County, Northcrimpton County, Alston County, Shoreshire County, or Wells County, I will embark on this mission myself. In my blind stubbornness I will drive to the estimated whereabouts, Consolidated Stadium in Oglethorpia, and take him down myself. And when he goes down, he’ll stay down. I’ll take my shoe and hit his smirking face with it. Over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, until it looks like a bloody slit pig with it’s dirty eyes stabbed out and it’s nose cut off so the blood pours out like a fountain. I will take my comb and slowly saw off his ears so he can’t hear. A ha! Aha ha! Haaaa!

Ahem.

So all of you citizens who critiqued me, who disputed my holding of this office, bite me. When I come back with that dirty pig’s head on my dash board, you will bow to me like a god. A GOD! YOU’LL PRAISE THE GROUND I FREAKIN’ WALK ON! YOU HEAR ME? HUH? YOU HEAR ME!?!?!??!?!?

Ahem.

So, as of current, because I am losing my ability to create a coherent paragraph without going into a mindless rage, I conclude this Decree. In my absence, the Deputy of Crimpton County will be the Steward to my office, and I will take a leave out of the country for a bit. Try and stop me, you scum.

- The Sheriff of Crimpton County

PS: YOU SCUM! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

PPS: Ahem.

Dubbel psot

Tripell psot!11

Jim Warhol and Rick Green sat in the small checking station of the Oglethorpian-Kingsforder border crossing -- the rather dilapidated building directly adjacent to a five-story office complex, in the bureaucratic nature of Oglethorpia, constantly emitting a sound of typing keys with all it's workers computing tons and tons of records of people passing through the two country's borders.

Just as an unnamed narrator finished his little verbalized description of the Steerford Oglethorpian-Kingsforder border crossing, a nude man made the simple cross over the border without stopping to be checked at all.

"Say, Rick -- I just woke up. Was that a nudist walkin' across our border?" asked a tired Jim.
"Nahh, Jim...even if it was, we can't go callin' up the Kingsforders and end up finding out there wasn't no nudist at all...it's not worth the trouble," replied a seemingly-more-sensible Rick.
"Yeaaahhh, you're right Rick...i'm goin' back ta sleep."

---

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Streaker shocks football crowd
Oglethorpia's match vs. the Weegies overshadowed by streaker incident

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Matchday two would see a matchup between group eleven leaders Oglethorpia vs. the Weegies, earning a draw on their first match of World Cup 12 qualifying. However, the home match for the Wonderteam in Consolidated Stadium would be overshadowed by the presence of a streaker, effectively turning the fans attention from the game to the fact that he had streaked the match for a whole 15 minutes.

"What was the score again?" asked a truely-bewildered Wonderteam fan after the match.

Oglethorpia faced a strong visiting Weegies side -- but team captain Fernando Green would have the honor of putting the first points on the board for the Wonderteam.

Pinballed down deep in the Weegies' territory, a ball misplayed into a Weegies defender was stripped, then passed between the Oglethorpian offense some three times, before a wide open Fernando Green would curve it around a flailing defender who ultimately let the goal past right as the 10th minute was rang in.

"It was hard to watch the ball," admitted Green after the ball was moved so trickily ending in his 10th minute goal.

The one-nil lead on the side of the Wonderteam was short lived, however. Right off kickoff the Weegies played a lob shot deep -- while striker Martin Dunn's shot would come perilously close, ultimately the corner bar would keep the shot out.

What followed the near goal for the Weegies was ten minutes of a midfield battle -- not until the 26th would a drive by the Weegies led by striker Robert Hardie beat the Wonderteam defense and put one in the back of the net past Yamamoto-san.

Oglethorpia's standing in the match seemed someone stable -- that is, until five minutes later, the Weegies put yet another score on the board, leaving the Wonderteam one down to the visiting side.

"All I knew was that we started the game leading, then Ken'Ichi had allowed it to be tied. Next thing I know, we're losing," commented a flustered Guy Picciotto.

The 37th minute saw Martin Dunn redeem himself, a long shot from outside the goalie's box soaring past two Wonderteam defenders, unable to stop the driving volley.

After Dunn's goal, the match would go to the half Oglethorpia down 2-1.

A newly refreshed defense fielded by the Weegies contained a strong Oglethorpian offense obviously fond of taking as many shots on goal as possible -- though the events following the start of the second half would break down a strong Weegies defense, if but for a moment.

Taking to the field in grandiose fashion, infamous Kingsforder streaker Henry Tuck took to the field -- and caroused around the pitch of Consolidated Stadium for 15 minutes, before an evisceratomato to the gut gave Tuck the curtain call that it was time to get out of here. After Kingsforder streaker Tuck was struck at least two-dozen more times in his escape of the stadium, yet another character entered the field -- this time a Kingsforder Sheriff on a mounted unit. A brief conversation with Oglethorpian officials saw him ride off in full speed in the same exit as the streaker left in. It is reported that both caught planes out of Oglethorpia to Brazillico, the two figures at least a few hours apart in their arrivals in the Brazillican city of Libertad.

Following the strange events that took place for twenty minutes, the Oglethorpian offense would once again go to work. Torrence Black's striking surge in the 65th minute was foiled by Weegies keeper Tony Britton -- Fernando Green's corner kick was efficiently cleared away, putting the Wonderteam back at square one.

Finally the 76th minute saw Oglethorpia's breakthrough in the match; playing the ball up the corner, Jorge White would play a lob shot into center fielded, headed in by a diving Torrence Black, securing at least one point for Oglethorpia in the 76th minute.

Oglethorpia would see the match to fulltime with it's one point secured in a two-two draw with the Weegies -- but the hard-fought battle would not long be remembered in the shadow of Henry Tuck's antics on the field.

"Yeah, that guy who just streaked the stadium?" said Widespread Nationwide Police officer Mick Yellow. "That's his second match streaked today -- he'd just appeared in a Kingsforder match earlier and snuck in the country."

Further, WNP sources have alerted all major news sources that both streaker Henry Tuck and the Sheriff of Crimpton County, the two hailing from Kingsford, were on their way to Brazillico, according to papers recorded by workers at the Polyesterhampton International Airport.

"Yeah, that was a good match, man. Those two teams played...to score things...but that streaker, dude? That was the best part. And the Sheriff with his horse. Horses rawk, dude," said hippy-nudist-animal-rights-activist Harvey Brown. "Yeah, the streaker dude, that was the best part."

"It's sad, man," said Torrence Black. "I scored that awesome goal to keep the match all even at- what was the score? Oh yeah, 2-2. Well, I scored it- you know, after that Henry Tuck guy streaked- and it was a great goal. But no one will remember it in the 100th- no, the 60th- no, the oh, what minute...well, just after the streaker came and left, I scored it, and it rocked."

The streaker's impact on the Oglethorpian perception of the match has cut deep -- not even self-touting striker Torrence Black could remember what minute he scored his goal that would otherwise be shown on the Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network Sports channel, in the face of the streaker's run through the stadium.

Instead of highlights of the game, all that was shown was censored footage of Henry Tuck running through Consolidated Stadium chased by a contingincy of on-hand Widespread Nationwide Police officers.

"Luckily," said WNP Polyesterhampton Division Director Jim Green, "the fans pelted him with evisceratomatoes -- and we heard him say that 'streaking in Oglethorpia sucks.' Hopefully with that, he won't be streakin' round here no more. All we want is some good football."

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 2 (F. Green 10th, T. Black 76th)
The Weegies - 2 (R. Hardie 27th, M. Dunn 37th)

*We join the match between The Master Cooper and Patinhas in the dying minutes. Mike the Barman and Roy are managing the team from the balcony of the pub.*

Mike the barman: “Come on lads, we can do better that this…”

Roy: “No they can’t! They’re proper internationals they’re up against out there. They’ve done bloody brilliant to keep it to 1-0.”

Mike the barman: “We could have won this if our two Zobordi Cefn players had played as well as they do for their team.”

Roy: “What, the worst team in NEWI Cefn Druids? Those two aren’t even as good as some of our lads. I mean, today, I’d say young Phil’s been our best player.”

Mike the barman: “But he keeps stopping for a fag break every ten minutes.”

Roy: “But nobody’s got past him, have they?”

Mike the barmen: “Well they wouldn’t do, what with him chasing their attackers around with his lighter.”

Roy: “Well anyway, it looks like we’re going to lose again…”

Mike the barman: “No, wait… go on Lowesy… oooh, good save! Come on Roy, we could score from this corner. How long’s left?”

Roy: “About 30 seconds.”

Mike the barman: “Gaz is heading over to take it. He’s played quite well in the games so far.”

Roy: “Well he doesn’t drink, does he?”

Mike the barman: “Doesn’t he? So what does he have when he comes in?”

Roy: “That vile mix of chemicals you call cola. It gives him wind like you’ve never heard in your life before. His smell alone can help get him past defenders.”

Mike the barman: “Well… ooh, good cross… YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!!! Lowesy!!! I knew that lanky streak of piss’d be good for something!!!”

Roy: “That’s time up, too.”

Mike the barman: “WELL DONE LADS!!! FIRST PINT’S ON THE HOUSE!!!... So, Roy, d’you think that kit of ours helped?”

Roy: “Well it startled them a bit. I think it must have put them off some parts of their game.”

*…and so they headed off into the warmth of the pub.*

…what was that? You want to see what these revolutionary shocking kits look like… well, I don’t know if I should… oh, go on then…

it isn't frikkin there!!! GRRR!!!

…nice, eh?

BOVINE TIMES

BOVINES SPAAMED 1 - 3

EL TORO
The Bovines received a thrashing today at the hands of a well organized Spaam squad. The Spaamians came in determined to atone for their first round loss to the group favorite Oglethorpia. They wasted no time scoring three times before the halftime whistle blew and putting a damper on the Bovines first home appearance during WC XII. "The Pasture" crowd tried to urge on the home side but to no avail as Spaam dominated much of the action. The only bright moment for the home side came in the 60th minute when the youngster Santa Gertrudis outjumped the Spaamian defense and headed a Holstein corner into the roof of the net. The Bovine offense spent most of the match trying unsuccessfully to breakdown the Spaamian defense. The home side managed a mere four shots on goal during the whole match.

The Spaamian goals came at the 15th, 20th, and 40th minutes. Their first two goals came from the edge of the box, the first from the right side, and the second from the top of the arc. Goalkeeper Devon had no chance on either shot. Their final goal came on a hard cross from the left by an overlapping defender. Devon called off his defenders and rose to get the ball, the Spaamian center forward jumped with him and seemed to bump the Bovine keeper just as the ball arrived. It was unclear whether the Spaamian got a piece of the ball or just the keeper. The ball floated into the back of the net and the referee's whistle blew. The Bovines were expecting a foul call but the referee's arm merely pointed to the center circle. A strong protest by the keeper brought out the only yellow card for the match.

Group 11 continued to provide surprises on match day 2. Spaam was the only favored side to win. Oglethorpia and Brazillico managed only draws. The Eagles Nest side dispatched Holy India 3 x 0.



MATCH DAY 2 GROUP 11 SCORES:
Brazillico 1 Jeruselem 1
BSE Free Bovines 1 Spaam 3
The Eagles Nest 3 Holy India 0
The Weegies 2 Oglethorpia 2

(or not-so-epic if Aquilla are involved)

:o

On the other hand, TnUI said I was ranked #23, but KP says I'm #6. I think I like KP's ranking system better. :P

The Green Mile:
Episode 3: We Are Winning!

Mr Woo: We are here in Mattigool with the Giant Zucchini team for their second qualifying match. With me is our special guest, the elusive M.S.S.! So, what do you think of this match against Mattigool?

M.S.S.: My feelings, as usual, we will slaughter them all.

Mr Woo: It is notable that “Mattigool” starts with the syllables, “Matti” or “death” in Malay. Do you think this will be a factor?

M.S.S.: Their stomachs will be roasted at the hands of the Zucchinis.

Mr Woo: Um, OK, and the whistle blows and we kick off here in Mattigool.

21 minutes later…

Mr Woo: And it’s Gamsten with the cross…Kristensen volley…it’s smashed right into the post. Unlucky for Kristensen there.

M.S.S.: Mattigool, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly.

37 minutes into the game…

Mr Woo: Sokol on the run here, he passes to his brother I guess, Jonny, who threads a brilliant through pass through the shaky Zucchini defence.

M.S.S.: Be assured. The Giant Zucchini goal is safe, protected.

Mr Woo: And Kristensen smashes the ball into the back of the net, Plaat had no chance there. Mattigool one up in their home ground.

46 minutes into the game…

Mr Woo: And the whistle blows to the end of the first half. Mattigool has snatched the lead here.

M.S.S.: We are winning! Yes, Mattigool have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them. Mattigool is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there. But at the end we are the people who are laying siege to them. And it is not them who are besieging us.

Mr Woo: And the second half is about to start. Any thoughts on the second half?

M.S.S.: We are not afraid of Mattigool. They are condemned. They are stupid. They are stupid, (dramatic pause) and they are condemned.

59 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And Mattigool again on the attack. Lars Iver Pedersen with the cross.

M.S.S.: Desperate Gools.

Mr Woo: But the substitute Moen heads over the crossbar.

M.S.S.: Please, please! Mattigool are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method.

69 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And now Zonk forward for possibly the first real chance the Zucchinis have created.

M.S.S.: We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp.

Mr Woo: And he puts his shot away neatly into the bottom corner, it’s 1-1.

M.S.S.: Yes, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them.

83 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: Simen Sokol with the pass to Kristensen, who hooks it into the area where Jonny Sokol is waiting, but he blasts it over the bar. They almost grabbed the lead again.

M.S.S.: Simen, Jonny and Kristensen. They are the funny trio.

92 minutes on the clock…

Mr Woo: And the match is over here in Mattigool, 1-1 the final score. A scrappy performance by the Zucchinis, who were very lucky to come away with a point against a credible Mattigool performance.

M.S.S.: We managed to chop off their rotten heads.

Mr Woo: Um, right. Don’t forget to join us for the next match back in Giant Zucchini against Valient. Until then, goodbye.

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs/Websites/Famous Personalities ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family
The Green Mile
Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace
Rush Hour
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
Lemmitania’s WC RPs
Football Quotes: The Kevin Keegan Collection (http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/keggy.html)
Football Focus
Claudio Ranieri
Once Upon a Time in China and America
We Love the Iraqi Information Minister (http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com)

United Spaam Sports Weekly

Spaam's Most Popular Sports Magazine

Spaam Has A BBQ

The Spaamanian national team went to NSE Free Bovines this week in
their second match of the qualifying season. The team was still stinging
after their loss at home to Oglethorpia, the Belmore Family officiating at
the first round of qualifying games, and the loss of top goalkeeper Fin
Bólin to a knee reconstruction. The mood among the team was vengeful,
and no secret was made of the fact that they were out to win. Coach
Sëhelin said before the match, "we are a proud team, and a tough team,
and anything that doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger." This aptly
encompassed the mood they were in coming into this match.

Coach Sëhelin chose a uniquely Spaamanian line up, with rising star
Alatári Súrion replacing injured Bólin as goalkeeper, meaning the Súrion
triplets were playing together for the first time this year. A powerful
3-1-2-1-3 lineup, had a core of midfielding players surrounded by trios in
offense and defense, all headed by bright new thing Meren Lûin. Nala
Eromleb kept to his favoured left in the forward position, while the unkown
Kru attacked from the right. Elen Súrion combined with hot utility player
Maddi Elrik at front, Simone Colosimo, the ex-pat East Spaamanian taking
the right, and Fin Duran at the back. Mykel Bók and Fran Bekenbár kept
the wings safe, with Finrod Súrion pairing with his twin sister in the centre.

[code:1:2339f76b7c]
F 10 Lûin
F 2 Eromleb 13 Kru

MF 11 Elrik
M 8 Súrion 3 Colosimo
MD 6 Duran


D 4 Bók 17 Bekenbár
D 9 Súrion

G 7 Súrion
[/code:1:2339f76b7c]

The match started off slowly, both teams fighting for posession. The
Spaamanians had never played a team full of cows before, and so it took
them a while to get used to tackling their opponents, whilst making sure
that they didn't get trampled. One of the Bovines got a yellow card just 5
minutes into the match for leaving a cow pat on the field, causing Kru to
slip and fall into it. However, the Spaamanians started to dominate the
possession quickly, and soon were creating chances. Kru showed how it
was done in the 15th minute when he shot form the edge of the box, on
the right side, giving the Bovine keeper Devon no chance to save it.

Spaam was beefed up after that first goal, and kept the pressure on the
Bovines. They succeeded just 5 minutes later when Nala Eromleb scored
again, the ball making it into goal at the top of its arc, Devon again having
no chance to stop the ball, which was clocked at 100 kilometres an hour.
With just 20 minutes gone, and 2-0 up, the Spaamanians had to hold off a
stampede as the Bovines tried to come back. They created their very first
real chance of the match when one of their strikers kicked wide, giving
keeper Súrion no chance of reaching it, but it defleted off the post, and put
dead by Bók.

In the 40th minute, Spaam was again dominating the posession, and a
hard cross from Elrik looked like it was going to be caught by the Bovine
keeper, but Meren Lûin managed to jump with him and kick it into the
goal. There was a bit of controversy as the Bovines tried to show that she
didn't actually touch the ball, but the referee was unmoved. Spaam
created a number of other chances in the last 5 minutes of the half, but
were unable to convert, so went to the break with a dominating 3-0 lead,
and a commanding hold on the game.

http://www.stopka.ru/food/sislik/barbeque.jpg

The second half was slower and more balanced, though Spaam still had
the upper hand on possession. Both teams only managed one shot on
goal each in the first 15 minutes, and time was quickly running out for the
Bovines. However, a corner from the Bovines caused by a careless
Bekenbár, was converted in the 60th minute when the young Santa
Gertrudis headed it in and beat Súrion who only managed to get her
fingers on it. This goal gave the Bovines some momentum and drive, and
they had another chance just 5 minutes later when Gertrudis tried to shoot
it through the centre, but Súrion was not fooled, and caught it neatly.

With the scoreline 3 goals to 1, Spaam wrested control of the match, and
guided it towards the final minutes, with another three shots on goal, but
none converted. The whistle blew in the 92nd minute, and Spaam gained
their first win of the qualifying season. Coach Sëhelin said after the
match, "we came here to win, and we did just that. The Bovines are a fine
team, but we managed to grab the bull by the horns, and pretty much
dictate the whole game. Hopefully we can keep this good form and
improve on it for the rest of the qualifying."

Spaam 3
(Kru 15, Eromleb 20, Lûin 40)
BSE Free Bovines 1
(Gertrudis 60)

World Cup Qualifying

There were 3 other matches in Group 11 for this round. Jeruselem went to
Brazillico, and showed some excellent defense, only letting in one goal.
The match ended in a one all draw, Brazillico's second after their one all
draw with the Eagles Nest in the first round. The Eagles Nest completely
dominated their match against Holy India, ending up 3 nill home winners.
Eagles stroker Josh Adams said after the match, "this is the most amazing
game we have ever played, if only every game could be like this."

The Weegies home game against Oglethorpia provided some dubious
entertainment, when the game was interrupted by a streaker. The
infamous Kingsforder streaker, Henry Tuck, who had streaked through
another match the day before, managed to evade the police for a whole
15 minutes, until he was incapicitated by an Evisceratomato. The match
itself was a 2 all draw, giving the Weegies their first points of the qualifying
season. With these results, the Group 11 table now looks like this:

[code:1:2339f76b7c]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts
The Eagles Nest 2 1 1 0 4 1 +3 4
Oglethorpia 2 1 1 0 5 3 +2 4
Spaam 2 1 0 1 4 4 0 3
Holy India 2 1 0 1 2 4 -2 3
Brazillico 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
Jeruselem 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
The Weegies 2 0 1 1 3 4 -1 1
BSE Free Bovines 2 0 1 1 2 4 -2 1
[/code:1:2339f76b7c]

The Eagles Nest are suprise group leaders, equal with Oglethorpia in
points. Spaam counteracted their loss which left them at the bottom of the
table by jumping into 3rd spot, while the Weegies are suprisingly second
last.

Group Of Death?

Spaam has the uncanniest knack of being drawn into the Group Of Death
each World Cup qualifying season. The group of death is effectively the
closest group in qualifying, making it the hardest for any team to dominate
or easily qualify. Since Group 11 has the lowest average points, and the
lowest deviation from the average, sports critics are again predicting a
hard road ahead for all the teams. This is especially worrying for Spaam,
who have not qualified for a World Cup since WC8, yet have managed to
keep their rankings in the low 30s (they are currently ranked 28th).

TBF LOSE!!!!1!!111one!!!

The Belmore Family was completely dominated destroyed in their match
against Lovisa. Their strikers got nowhere near the goal, while their
defense was lucky to allow just 2 goals. Sports critics say that this was
remarkable due to their coach having laryngitis, and thus forced to write
his instructions down on paper. However, the Belmore Family is known for
its dismal literacy skills, and so fell apart with their lack of communication.
Total n Utter Insanity are laughing their arses off.

East Spaam Shut Out Home Team

The East Spaamanians continue to outshine their more experienced
neighbours, culminating in a 3 nil away win against Eaglet. Keeper Gerard
Garett was in impeccable form, while the defense, led by Clifton Mariano,
made sure that he did not have to exert himeslf too much. Captain of the
side, star striker Elmo, scored two goals in the first half, which completely
demoralised their opponents, and made sure that they could completely
dominate the match.

In the second half, the East Spaam's midfield was inpenetrable, giving
Garett and the defense a well earned break. Striker Jazmyne Edgardo
managed to score a third goal in the 75th minute, against the tired Eagelt
defense. The game ended with East Spaam racing away 3 nil winners.
This win catapults East Spaam into 2nd spot after their 1 all draw against
Iansisle, just behind suprise leaders Gaddland who have so far dominated
their opponents. The Group 4 table looks like this:

[code:1:2339f76b7c]GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts
Gaddland 2 2 0 0 4 0 4 6
East Spaam 2 1 1 0 4 1 +3 4
Audioslavia 2 1 1 0 3 2 +1 4
EL CID THE HERO 2 1 0 1 4 3 +1 3
James A Hollar 2 1 0 1 1 2 -1 3
Iansisle 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
Abysmalistan 2 0 0 2 1 4 -3 0
Eaglet 2 0 0 2 0 5 -5 0
[/code:1:2339f76b7c]

Spaam Unveils New Team Uniform

Spaamanian football officials have unveiled the new Spaamanian national
uniform, which will be used from now on. The more modern design was
created by famous Lemmitanian designer Janet Jackson. There are two
designs, the home design being mainly black, the away design being
mainly red. However, there has been some criticism of the new unifrom,
most notably by famour Kaze Progessan designer and drag queen, Justin
Timberlake.

"I am not sure I trust it," he said in an interview, "you never know if one
of the female player's breasts might just pop out." Janet Jackson could
not be reached for comment.

Here are some photos of the new design:

http://drake.5p.org.uk/spaam.jpg

Henry Tuck - Streaker Or Entertainer

Editor: We were going to have an article about Henry Tuck here, but there
are no clothed photos of him, and so the article was scrapped by the
censors.

What Happened To Fin Bólin?

There are fears that top Spaamanian keeper Fin Bólin is out for the rest of
the year, after falling heavily on his knee in Spaam's match against
Oglethorpia. He had to be stretchered off the field, after also suffering a
concussion, and early scans revealed that a knee reconstruction may be
needed. This is a big blow to the team, however, my be a blessing in
disguise for some. The injury means that Alatári Súrion, the eldest of the
Súrion triplets is now the regular keeper for the side, and has so far been
more than adequate, only letting one goal in.

East Spaam Get New Uniform

East Spaam have gained a new team uniform, thanks to famous Kaze
Progessan designer and drag queen Justin Timberlake. The new design is
the result of a long 10 minutes worth of work, half of that just picking the
best font to use. Famous Lemmitanian designer Janet Jackson is critical of
the new design, however.

"You never know when some player is just going to rip your shirt and
expose your breast".

Here are some photos of the new design:

http://drake.5p.org.uk/eastspaam.jpg

Three Team Match Ends In Tears


GROUP 9
Dance 2 Revolution 1 Nadeer 0


A three team match involving the nations of Dance, Revolution, and
Nadeer was not the success it was planned to be, with a number of players
being injured or bitterly confused in the debarcle. Dance are recorded as
winners, scoring 2 goals, with Revolution socing just one, and Nadeer
being completely shut out and having tantrums at the lack of attention. A
spokesman for the World Cup cohosts Lemmitania said that "this sort of
mess should never never happen again".

Love Is In The Air

Rumours are abounding of a love match between star Spaamanian striker
Meren Lûin and the Spaamanian defender Finrod Súrion. Meren, who just
turned 21, has been seen spending a lot of time with the Súrion triplet, in
and around Artánis. Finrod, who's own 21st birthday with her sisters will
fall during the World Cup, is tightlipped about rumours that the two are a
duo. Meren however, is a little more coy, saying "we are friends.... good
friends."

http://www.heraldsun.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,1658,320003,00.jpg

Spaamanian Defense To Improve

Sports critics are hoping that the increase in stories will help in Spaam's
defense during qualification. Noone is saying why, but this critic is doubtful
of its effectiveness.

Matchday 3 Preview

Spaam plays the Weegies at home, and are looking for a win. The
Weegies have not had much luck so far, with just a draw and a loss to
show for their efforts, and will be playing against a team thats defense is
on the rise. Should Spaam lose at home again, there will be a lot of
complaints towards those in charge. Meanwhile East Spaam will be playing
Gaddland at home in the top of the table clash. Even though Gaddland
have two wins from two matches, East Spaam are clear favourites for this
game.

Editors Columm

Well, I was going to write a long column, but after spending half the day
on this bloody post, I'm not going to have the time. Quantity is being seen
to be more important than quality, and so hopefully issue will satisfy those
that matter. All I really have to say though, is that you better appreciate
all this writing, because it took be a bloody long time.

Indigo Island loose home match to front running Nikea 0 – 2

After the unexpected draw with the Lowland Clans over 35, 000 hopeful fans attended the Indigo Island Red Tailed Molly’s first World Cup qualifying match at home in The Imperial Amphitheatre. It was a beautiful tropical day but for the unfortunate fans the home team would not play as beautiful as the weather.

It was obvious from the beginning that the Islander’s were vastly out skilled by the Nikea players despite the fact that the Indigo squad averaged five years older that the Nikea uber-kinder. All nine defenders were hard pressed to keep the ball out of the net. Goalkeeper Chester Smith was frequently helped by kind bounces off the woodwork. The crowd was hoping to get to half time win the tie intact, but it was not to be. In the 30th minute Midorin Torendel juked defender Nichalous Hackman out of his shorts, shot high right and easily put it past the diving keeper.

The Indigo Islanders did not give up and were determined to bring the game to Nikea. However the Nikea defense was professional and determined. The midfielders could not hook up with the strikers and almost all of the Molly’s attacks petered out as they came into the penalty area.

Then coach Wes Eisner made a rookie mistake with twenty minutes left in the match. He pushed to many men forward. Nikea quickly launched a counter-attack and Ichirou Kitase received the ball downfield and lobbed the final score into the net. It could cost Eisner’s position if goal differential decides the qualifying team, but for now the local crowd admires the spirit and scrappiness of the team.

It is regrettable to report that their was almost a fight between the teams after the match as the Nikea players started chanting “SA3” bragging about the SpelAstoniu 3’s that they would be able to play with as their victory prize when everyone knows that they are old tech and the MatchBeing V is known worldwide as a far superior gaming machine.

With regards to Spaam: I think you'll get a huge bonus, but the next RP bonus comes in on matchday 5. I think Lemmy's having the RP bonus re-analysed every three matchdays.

ANTAEN PRESIDENT ISSUES ULTIMATUM TO ILLITERATE BELMORE FAMILY

There was nationwide uproar today, as Belmorian gutter press misspelt Antaeus numerous times. An emergency meeting of the World Government was called. In order to uphold Antaen honour the President demanded that the uneducated Belmorians hand over 100,000,000 tons of metal or face the unstoppable power of the Antaen fleet.

"We don't believe in war, but if there is something we can't tolerate it's the unbelievable stupidity of these people. The first thing we will do once their country has been taken over is be to implement a free education system. Oh, I know what you are thinking. There won't be a war if they hand over the metal, but let's face it; their is no one intelligent enough in their country to do that."

We will give you 100,000,000 tons of Yttrium. We are not sure whether it will survive in your nation however because it tends to ignite in air.

[OOC note: there are a couple of subtle references to basic music theory in this RP. Anyone who doesn't read music probably won't get them.]

The scene: Norah Jones International Stadium. The club meeting.

Itasae Murritko decided to call the club meeting three hours before the kickoff against Bedistan, in the home dressing room. They would stay there until the match begun.

'OK everyone. We know about the old players... which ones are new here?'

Six hands flew into the air.

'So six out of twenty-three. That seems alright. The other seventeen know what we're going to do here; for the benefit of the other six, I shall explain. Before our first home match of the season, we have a meeting, where we discuss plans for the future of our Free Land's sport and so on. What we also do, as is traditional, is we find our vocal ranges. I'll sit at the piano [points towards the piano in the corner of the dressing room] and we'll go from there. We'll go in shirt number order, so Marianne Oaks first.'

Marianne stood up, took a deep breath from her stomach, and as Itasae played middle C, Marianne sung it, her husky voice filling the changing rooms as she gradually went lower and lower until she started sounding like a man. Eventually, she made a horrific groaning noise, stopped, then started singing higher again. And it wasn't long before her voice cracked, as it were, as she strained to sing high.

Then twenty-one more people did the same to varying extents, before Itasae stood up, allowed the last of the squeakers - new player Helena Macintosh - to sit at the piano, and completed the same procedure. If it wasn't for the fact there were no men in the room, the sexual tension at this point would have been massive - for Itasae's voice is genuinely sexy; sultry, breathy, and also deep. Even just singing meaningless syllables rather than her usual laid-back, loved-up jazz, you could fall in love with Itasae's voice.

The final list of players with vocal ranges as of the club meeting on February 13 2004:

1. Marianne Oaks (GK) (F2-D5)
2. Lillian Desmond (LD) (Ab2-Eb5)
3. Kristine Derrick (SW/CD) (C3-C5)
4. Viola Harvell (CD/RD) (F2-F5)
5. Alisha Morris (RD) (C#3-Eb5)
6. Iva Walch (LM/LF) (A2-E5)
7. Pamela Sumner (CM) (C#3-C5)
8. Ethel Boyle (CM) (Bb2-C#5)
9. Wanda Flowers (RM) (A2-E5)
10. Florence Laughlin (CF) (B1-A5)
11. Rosa Rosenblatt (CM/CF) (C#2-F#5)
12. Tanya Eggert (GK) (A2-B4)
13. Toni Deluca (LD/CD) (F#2-C#5)
14. Moira Hind (CD) (Ab2-C#5)
15. Dena Pecinovsky (RD/RM) (Ab2-C5)
16. Miranda Parker (RM) (F#2-G5)
17. Sherry Kidd (LM/CM) (C3-C5)
18. Hannah Buckland (CF) (B2-C5)
19. Anna Chinn (CM/CF) (Ab2-Bb4)
20. Gladys Atkinson (GK) (F#2-Eb5)
21. Charlotte McGregor (CF) (A2-F5)
22. Helena Macintosh (CD/CM) (A2-E5)
23. Itasae Murritko (CM) (D2-F5) (player-manager)
[note: middle C = C4]

And then it was on to match plans.

'OK, I suggest a 5-3-2 here,' proclaimed Itasae. 'If we can go with three central defenders and have Pecinovsky and Desmond patrol the wings, we should limit their chances.'

'But wouldn't they completely overpower us in midfield then?' inquired Miranda Parker, herself a midfielder likely to be on the bench for this one. 'They can always lob balls into the penalty box; and they have the height advantage, even if we wear killer heels. And we can't wear killer heels.'

The dressing room fell about laughing. Itasae (who was wearing black leather kitten heels for this talk) calmed the mood down. 'Miranda is right to point out that vulnerability. What we have to do is prevent them getting those chances. The more bodies in the way, the more they'll have to make desperate long balls towards their big men like Morlock - and most of those will be inaccurate. Bedistan aren't the legends they used to be, remember?'

'But they're still damn good...' commented Ethel Boyle, a likely starter in midfield.

'Not like they used to be,' reassured Itasae. And they begun their physical warm-up, involving a lot of flexibility work - 'we have to assert that advantage we have over the men. The more flexible you are, the less injuries you get.' Their starting XI:

Oaks; Desmond, Derrick, Hind, Harvell, Pecinovsky; Walch, Boyle, Flowers; Laughlin, Rosenblatt.

The 'buzzer' for the start of the match - actually the opening bars of Don't Know Why - sounded - as did a rallying cry of 'Come on girls!' from Itasae.

And as they entered the sold-out, 57,000-capacity Norah Jones International Stadium, with its five small tiers marked out originally by plain black lines but more recently by advertising boards (largely of Progressan or Bedistani products, but also including adverts for 'Itasae Murritko's Vocal Training DVD: Sex Up YOUR Voice!' and 'Helium Removal Inc. - Your Best Defence Against Evil Sopranos'), it was clear that the fans were frenzied too. They knew anything could happen.

And from the kickoff - preceded by the national anthems (only an instrumental version of the Bedistani one) - the Altos took control. Rosenblatt's 25-yard speculative effort forced an unorthodox save out of Erik Oldenburg; Boyle's glorious through-ball looked to have found Laughlin before Oldenburg slid in, barely legally (illegally, if the fans' reaction was to be believed) to cut out the pass; and most Bedistani efforts in attack were being mopped up by Derrick or Harvell.

Then in the 22nd minute, disaster seemed to have struck. Walter Marley's free-kick was flicked on by Neil Palin to Javier Lewey. The fans screamed for offside. Lewey slipped the ball backwards before chipping Oaks. As the ball flew past her hand, the referee finally blew the whistle. The decision was right - as the TV replays proved - but the delay was unnecessary and confusing, and the fans berated the Aquillan referee, chanting 'You love Mariah!' at him, as their own brand of insult.

After good saves from both goalkeepers in the later part of the first half, the best of them all - Laughlin's sidefooted volley somehow tipped away by Oldenburg - led to a corner kick. Pecinovsky played it low to Rosenblatt, who struck the ball low and hard. Oldenburg punched the ball away from the goal - and into Rosenblatt's face. Rosenblatt fell over, as if dead. Instinctively, Laughlin picked up the ball before it slammed against Rosenblatt's finely-honed vocal chords. The magic sponge intervention proved of little use, but while Rosenblatt had to be replaced, she was still very much alive, the Altos had won a penalty and Oldenburg had been booked. Rosenblatt's replacement, Charlotte McGregor, looked set to take the penalty kick, before stepping aside at the last moment. Laughlin took it instead - and slipped it into the bottom corner without undue fuss. The crowd were delerious. With five minutes to half-time, it was 1-0. With two minutes to half-time, it was 1-0, and Darren Morlock hit the outside of the post from ten yards with Oaks out of position. At half-time, it was still 1-0.

But after half-time, things seemed to change. Bedistan asserted authority on the match for the first time, and on 51 minutes Bedistan earned a corner. Derrick moved in to block off the shot from Morlock, but merely ended up catching him in the groin. Morlock collapsed in agony, and the referee chose to award a penalty and - more dubiously - a yellow card. The fans were angry, some of them even arguing that Derrick was right to hurt Morlock in the way she did, accidentally or otherwise. Whatever, Morlock was replaced by penalty specialist 'Doctor' Gil Vu, who duly slammed the ball past a helpless Oaks for 1-1.

A series of niggling fouls then proceeded to dominate the match, leading to bookings for Rosenblatt and Boyle as well as ironically-named (to these fans) Bedistani midfielder Pearlie Tenner.

Inevitably, it was another bizarre incident that turned the match again. On 77 minutes, Laughlin's speculative attempt from 35 yards forced Oldenburg to move well off his line. He did - and handled outside the area. When told as much by the referee, he kicked the ball angrily into the fans, though he missed and hit the second-highest row of advertising boards. He barely noticed the fans screaming 'He can hit a D!' as he was sent off the field.

Laughlin stepped up for the free-kick from just outside the box against substitute goalkeeper Tabitha Fukushima, who replaced Tenner. Her curling shot deflected off the inside of the post, well past Fukushima, who could only swear in horror as the Altos retook the lead. And despite several hairy moments in the five minutes of injury time, that was how things remained.

After the match, Morlock - who had been treated for the initial shock and was watching in the stands was taken to the home dressing room by Itasae, as a kind of token for the victorious Altos. And the first thing they did was find HIS vocal range. 'We want to see if you still sing like a man,' she said. He did. His range was G2-D4. 'See? You're still a man,' said Itasae, but in a slightly mocking tone, as if to say that in spite of her sultry sexiness, he couldn't fancy her.

D2R Times

Reader spots mistake in United Spaam Sports Weekly


Three Team Match Ends In Tears


GROUP 9
Dance 2 Revolution 1 Nadeer 0


A three team match involving the nations of Dance, Revolution, and
Nadeer was not the success it was planned to be, with a number of players
being injured or bitterly confused in the debarcle. Dance are recorded as
winners, scoring 2 goals, with Revolution socing just one, and Nadeer
being completely shut out and having tantrums at the lack of attention. A
spokesman for the World Cup cohosts Lemmitania said that "this sort of
mess should never never happen again".


D2R Times apologises on this blunder by USSW. The official score of this match was D2R 1 - 0 Nadeer. This mistake from USSW is partly the fault of TV Broadcasters, who forgot to put the 2 in our name, and after 2 disallowed goals, realised the mistake and put the 2 in our name. We will be in touch with TV broadcasters about this mistake in the future.

D2R destroy a weakened Nadeer side

With the government of D2R and Konami staff watching, D2R played the beautiful game with lots of passion and determination to continue their winning streak. It was a first start for Joseph Dive replacing Paul Handplant after sustaining an injury in training, and Yozora replaced the injured Genom Maeda for his first time on the international stage. D2R were caught by the offside trap many times in the match, with an astonishing 17 offside decisions against D2R in the first half alone and 2 disallowed goals for D2R. Manager Terry Freeze allowed the D2R Government give a half time team talk, which must have worked as Yozora got free of his marker and had time to skip round the keeper and tap it in at the 53rd minute, he was happy but he did get booked for celebrating too long. For the majority of the remainder of the match it was D2R offensive, the only thing that stopped the Scoreline being higher was the heroics of the Nadeer replacement keeper.

Final Score: Dance 2 Revolution 1 - 0 Nadeer

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders draw again

The Crusaders earned a 1 ALL draw with newcomers Brazillico. Jeruselem scored their only goal in the first half, but Brazillico managed to level the scores int he 2nd half. Midfielder Rabbi Shalom pounced on a loose ball to score in the 30th minute to put the Crusaders ahead. In the 2nd half, Brazillico pressed the defense which broke when a striker Ronaldo escaped the offside trap to score a well earned goal.

Jeruselem is 3rd last in Group 11 ahead of Weegie and BSE Free Bovines.

MATCH DAY 2 GROUP 11 SCORES:
Brazillico 1 Jeruselem 1
BSE Free Bovines 1 Spaam 3
The Eagles Nest 3 Holy India 0
The Weegies 2 Oglethorpia 2

Wahrheit
The only truth

Stalag 5 still unbeaten

Headquarter In their second match of WC XII qualifying round the brave men of Stalag 5 reached a 2:2 draw against Sacco&Vancetti. The Graveyard is still a fortress where the guest teams can't win. And it is no wonder: The whole thing is black, the supporters wear black, the team wears black, even the pitch is black. This must depress everyone except men made of steel: Stalag 5.
During the first half these symptoms could also be noticed at S&V. Heim and Pohl made two wonderful goals and Stalag 5 was in the lead after 34 minutes.
But during the second half S&V seemed to get used to both the stadium and the up to now successful big-wall-tactic. Somehow the offside trap didn't work and twice S&V took advantage of it. Eisenfuss Müller and Knochenbrecher Handke seemed to fall asleep in these situations.

Final Scoring:
STALAG_5 2
Pohl (34th)
Heim (47th)
S&V 2
<Player 10> (63rd, 78th)

Voice on radio: “Good evening, you’re listening to DNR, I’m Paul Evans, and this is ‘Call Paul’”

Voiceover: “Call Pall now, on 1-2255-7285, and have your say on the day’s issues.”

Paul: “Well we’ll take the next call, and that’s Trevor in Graymouth, hello Trevor.”

Caller 1: “Hi Paul. I was just calling to say that Tim Welsh is failing our football team.”

Paul: “Now hold on a minute… he’s only had them for two games.”

Caller 1: “But did you see the Redavic Union match? They were as awful as ever.”

Paul: “Well we all have bad days, Trevor. And we should know, we’ve had more than our fair share in our time. But Welsh is already our most successful manager after just two games. There’s a lot of turning round to do. Do you expect the change to happen overnight?”

Caller 1: “Well, yes. The players are good enough, they just don’t play like they are. Get rid of him, the sooner the better.”

Paul: “OK, that’s Trevor in Graymouth, there. On line two is Trevor in Mawr, what do you have to say to Trevor, Trevor?”

Caller 1: “Well I don’t know what he thinks yet, he hasn’t said anything.”

Paul: “No not you Trevor, the other Trevor”

Caller 2: “Oh, hi Paul. Well I think he’s doing alright. We’d never won until he came along. If he hadn’t we might never have.”

Caller 1: But everyone wins eventually. I t was bound to happen at some point. Welsh was lucky it happened in his first game.”

Caller 2: “You say lucky, I say it wasn’t. The team are starting to look like one now. This defeat was just a minor setback. In fact, I’m willing to bet my house on the next game that the Druids will win again.”

Paul: “Well, that’s confidence if ever I saw it!”

Caller 1: “Bet your house? You must be stupid! *brrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

Paul: “Well, Trevor seems to have hung up on us, there…”

Caller 2: “No, I’m still here… hello?”

Paul: “No, I meant the other one.”

Caller 2: “I thought I was the other one?”

Paul: “OK,OK, the first one.”

Caller 2: “Oh.”

Paul: “So are you serious about betting your house on the next match?”

Caller 2: “I am indeed. I’m off to remortgage my house this afternoon. Hopefully, I’ll end up stinking rich!”

Paul: “Does it not strike you as something a bit… well… odd?”

Caller 2: “Oh no. My friends used to do it all the time.”

Paul: “Did they?”

Caller 2: “Oh yes. Obviously, since they all had their homes repossessed, they’ve had to stop. But I thought ‘If they can try it, why can’t I?’”

Paul: “Right… er… thanks for that, Trevor… um… our next caller is Kate in Cefn… hello Kate.”

Caller 3: “Hi Paul.”

Paul: “Come on then, make your voice heard…”

Caller 3: “Am I too quiet for you?”

Paul: “No, no, no. It’s a figure of speech. It’s just like saying ‘What have you got to say’”

Caller 3: “No, it’s because I’m a woman, isn’t it?”

Paul: “What… what is?”

Caller 3: “You don’t think I should be on your show because I’m a woman.”

Paul: “Hey, we welcome anyone on this show, male or female.”

Caller 3: “Obviously you prefer male, seeing you said male first.”

Paul: “I don’t care who you are, everyone has a place on the show.”

Caller 3: “You don’t even care about your listeners now!”

Paul: “I never said that!”

Caller 3: “Yes you did!”

Paul: “Look, we’re short on time. If you’ve got something to say, can you say it please.”

Caller 3: “Oh, so you’re hurrying me off now. Just because I’m a girl.”

Paul: “No, just because you’re wasting our time. Cut her off!”

Caller 3: “SEXIST!!!” *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrb*

Paul: “Oh, we seem to have lost Kate there. OK, next we have Trevor in Llllllllllcwllllllll. Trevor, you’re female, but that doesn’t matter, does it? Everyone’s welcome here.”

Caller 4: “Actually, I’m not female, Paul, but you do welcome everyone here.”

Paul: “Indeed. Sorry about that.”

Caller 4: “It’s OK, don’t worry.”

Paul: “Anyway, your point?”

Caller 4: “I just want to make note of the link between the use of marzipan and the difference in our team.”

Paul: “Yes…”

Caller 4: “Well, I was wondering if you thought there was anything in the marzipan that could help aid performance.”

Paul: “You mean drugs or something?”

Caller 4: “Well… yes.”

Paul: “I’d have to say no to that. Why, I do believe that the sweet almondy goodness of marzipan would be enough to inspire even the worst of footballers to perform. That’s how Inter Dave won the last Druid Premier League, and now Tim Welsh is using it to full effect on the national team.”

Caller 4: “Oh. OK then. Thanks Paul.”

Paul: “It’s a pleasure.”

Caller 4: “Bye”

Paul: “Bye… Well, apart from that second last caller, it’s been a good show.”

Producer: “I’d say so.”

Paul: “OK, that’s it for another week’s Call Paul, in association with Pete’s Planes of Cefn – NCD’s Number One Budget Airline, and official airline of the Druid Football Team. From me, Paul Evans – goodnight.”

'slaves stumble through opening games

Audioslavia got their WC12 campaign off to an acceptable start last weekend, playing two away games against difficult opposition.

In the first game against EL CID THE HERO, the 'slaves continued with the form they'd be showing as of late, going into half-time two goals up through Maiden and Ward. However, the team lost their concentration in the second half and conceded a soft goal as Branson and Yorath went to sleep at the back, allowing the El Cid number nine to break through and score.

El Cid started to attack with much more vigour and looked twice as dangerous, forcing a couple of good saves out of Pedder and hitting the post with a close-range header. Audioslavia's defence looked in dis-array, until new team manager Butch McCauley made a couple of defensive substitutions to give some solidarity at the back. Audioslavia held out and took the three points from a potential banana-skin of a game.

Three days later the 'slaves travelled to Iansisle, a team coming on leaps and bounds in the football world. In a close game, the 'slaves fell behind due to a Truman goal after 10 minutes. Half-time came without the score looking like changing, but the 'slaves gradually took the upper hand and equalised on the hour, after Shearer put O'Malley through for his first goal in international football.

Final Scores

EL CID THE HERO 1 (some dude 53)
Audioslavia 2 (Maidens 19, Ward 32)

Iansisle 1 (Truman 10)
Audioslavia 1 (O`Malley 61)

[code:1:baf95f9599]
GROUP 4 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Gaddland 2 2 0 0 4 0 4 6 42
East Spaam 2 1 1 0 4 1 3 4 40
Audioslavia 2 1 1 0 3 2 1 4 40
EL CID THE HERO 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3 39
James A Hollar 2 1 0 1 1 2 -1 3 39
Iansisle 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2 38
Abysmalistan 2 0 0 2 1 4 -3 0 36
Eaglet 2 0 0 2 0 5 -5 0 36 [/code:1:baf95f9599]

At this early stage in the season, the 'slaves are third, behind old foes East Spaam and surprise package Gaddland.

I've been Mickey McVities, g'nite daawwwwgs

Vozvyshennost - First Two Games

[code:1:49bcfc66aa]GROUP 1 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Nikea 2 2 0 0 8 0 8 6 42
Wella 2 1 1 0 4 2 2 4 40
Aquilla 2 1 1 0 2 1 1 4 40
The Lowland Clans 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2 38
Vozvyshennost 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2 38
Indigo Islands 2 0 1 1 1 3 -2 1 37
Rachakidia 2 0 1 1 1 7 -6 1 37
Magnus Valerius 2 0 0 2 1 4 -3 0 36 [/code:1:49bcfc66aa]

Two games into the qualification process, and Vozvyshennost have collected two points after 1-1 draws with Aquilla and Rachakidia. Ruben Alexeev, a hero of the team who reached the play-offs in their first season (unfortunately beaten 9-1 there) scored both of the goals for Vozvyshennost.

Vozvyshennost look to recover from a dissappointing start again, like in the previous campaign. Coach Alexandr Vasiliy is confident of the team achieving good results again.

"We got off to a bad start last time and managed to turn it around. We can do it again and will hopefully get to the play-offs again."

[Scene: Cisna-Ri Regional Airport - Cisna-Ri, Karacos. Gene Barber and an unknown man are huddled together near Gate Six, as Barber prepares to begin his long journey to Kingsford, where he hopes to cash in big by betting on Commerce Heights to win the Cup. (OOC: See Betting Line Weekly thread.)]

Barber: All right, they said I need to get the contact information there by Sunday. I'm giving it to you now. You need to make sure this gets to BLW as soon as possible. Use the Bedistani mail; it's faster than Karacos' service.

[Barber hands the man a sheet of paper. The paper reads:]

[code:1:edb2773887]Mark Hammond
15-118 Guildenstern Drive
Wells County, KINGSFORD

Phone: 021787-942-816-4891[/code:1:edb2773887]

Man: Gene, are you sure it's safe to give them your cellphone number, which is obviously Bedistani?

Barber: Oh come on, they're not going to know it's Bedistani. Besides, I have a friend down in Dennis who has a Lukeonian cellphone number.

Man: Well, if you think it's safe...

Barber: 'Course it's safe. I don't know what a Kingsford phone number looks like, anyway.

Announcer's Voice: Flight 62 to Savannah is NOW BOARDING at Gate Six...

Barber: OK, that's me. Once I get to Tingitana, I'll get the legal name change. I'll wait a few months before I set out for the Emerald Heights.

Man: Right. And I'll mail this stuff out to BLW today.

Barber: Good.

[Barber goes through the gate and boards the plane bound for Savannah, the capital of Tingitana on the Southern Continent of Paripana.]

Welcome to Evening Sport and Entertainment on BSE television.
I am your host Talkin Head Maxx.
This evening we kick off our program with a story from World Cup 12.
Earlier today I went to the Bovines training facility in Barnville and visited with coach Jack Galloway.

THM: Coach thank you for talking with us today. You've played two matches so far tell us how things are going?

JG: Well Maxx, so far I think things are going pretty much as expected.

THM: Were you happy with the results of the first match?

JG: I think we did well for our first ever World Cup match, I was very happy getting a draw on the road. The lads were very nervous before we took the field but they responded well once the action started. We gave up a goal fairly early in the first half and I was worried that we would not react well and give Jeruselem more opportunities, but we kept our composure and managed to get the equalizer late in the second half.

THM: How about yesterday's result, was that expected as well?

JG: The result was not that bad, but I was disappointed with the way we played. I wanted our side to show a little more toughness at home. We came out flat in the first half and gave the Spaamians too many early opportunities and they capitalized on them. Our lads have to learn that international football is not forgiving of mistakes. Your side is going to get only so many opportunities during a match and you have to make them count or you are going to lose. Yesterday we gave up a lot of opportunities to our opponents while creating very few for our side.

THM: So what can we expect for the next couple of matches?

JG: Well Maxx, we have a couple of tough matches coming up. First we have to go on the road to face group favorite Oglethorpia, and then we come home to face Brazillico. Both of these matches will be tough challanges for our young team but if the lads play like they are capable of playing we should be okay.

THM: Are you predicting Bovine wins in these matches?

JG: Maxx, let me just say that sometimes the scoreboard does not accurately reflect a team's level of success.

THM: Coach with an answer like that are you sure you're not a diplomat in disguise?

JG: No Maxx, I am not a diplomat, but I may be looking for a good disguise if we do poorly throughout qualifying.

THM: LOL Good one coach. One more question. Can you tell us how you feel about being in the "Group of Death," as some people are calling Group 11.

JG: Well I don't see it as a "Group of Death". We are one of the minnows in this group, the big fish have to watch out for each other, but if they forget about us little guys, we could sneak by one of them and into the next round. Because of that I like to think of this group as the "Group of Life."

THM: Thank you Coach Galloway and now back to our studios.

After the match, Morlock - who had been treated for the initial shock and was watching in the stands was taken to the home dressing room by Itasae, as a kind of token for the victorious Altos. And the first thing they did was find HIS vocal range. 'We want to see if you still sing like a man,' she said. He did. His range was G2-D4. 'See? You're still a man,' said Itasae, but in a slightly mocking tone, as if to say that in spite of her sultry sexiness, he couldn't fancy her.

The Crater
Bedistan's Tabloid News Source

Morlock Complains to WCC
Cites 'cruel and unusual punishment'

ON A PLANE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AVENGING ALTOS AND BEDISTAN -- Bedistan Lions star striker Darren Morlock recently cried foul to the World Cup Committee after his "treatment" both during and after the World Cup 12 qualifying match against Avenging Altos.

Fifty-one minutes into the match, with Bedistan down one goal to none, Avenging Altos defender Kristine Derrick caught Morlock in the groin while attempting to parry a shot on her goal. Morlock collapsed to the ground, falling on his right leg and bruising it quite badly. "For those of you who don't know what it feels like to be kicked in the groin by an international football player, male or female, let me assure you that it is the most pain a man can possibly feel...well, besides unanaesthetized castration. It hurts like a -------. [editor's note: expletive deleted] And Derrick only got a yellow card for it!? Damn Aquillan ref..." Morlock went on to say that the defender should most definitely have been shown the red card, which would have caused her to be suspended for at least one match, leaving her temporarily incapable of incapacitating any more men on the pitch.

But that was not Morlock's only beef. At the end of the match, which the Altos won 2-1, Morlock was "forcibly removed" from the Lions' bench by player-manager Itasae Murritko. Murritko took him to the home dressing room, where Morlock says he was "forced to perform" for the victorious side. "And I have a horrible singing voice in the first place," Morlock commented. "That's why I play football instead of being a professional singer. But where was the security? Surely the match officials should have kept this from happening. Then again, they were Aquillan..." Actually, here is where Morlock's statement wavers from fact -- while the referee was indeed Aquillan, the match officials were from Kaze Progressa. It is speculated that there is some sort of "bond" between Kaze Progressa and Avenging Altos, and that the former nation did not want to anger the latter by interfering with Murritko.

Darren Morlock is suing the World Cup Committee for an estimated US$6.2M (þ4.84M), which is roughly equal to about 18 months' wages for Morlock.

[Editor's note: All derogatory comments made toward Aquillans in this article are strictly the opinions of Darren Morlock and not necessarily those of the staff of the Crater, nor the Bedistani government.]

The response came from TBF
We'll give you tons of grit and guns. We are not suuuuurrrr… *hic* *collapse*

The call rang out Defcon 3. Alpha, Bravo, Charlie and Delta fleets moved out from the harbours they had been stationed in. They had be assimilating material for the last day and had more than enough for the production that was ordered. 500 large attack 'copters, dual shield generators, rapid fire twin rocket launchers, a thin layer of ablative armour and of course a soul catcher chip.

VILÄMNA TIMES

LIGHTNING START WORLD CUP WITH A BANG
Currently second place in qualifying
Saturday, 14 February



Svecia's entire World Cup starting squad from the last tournament has returned this year to add upon their already formidible WC experience, as they traveled all the way to the second round in what was the first Cup exposure for many of the players. Already their past expreience seems to be paying off as they've jumped into a joint-second place holding after the first two matches, only behind the Redavic Union. A 1-1 draw against Halfassedstates in the first round made it seem as if the perenially slow-starting Lightning would once again start on the bottom of the pack and have to turn it on in the second half of qualifying.

But head coach Tim Sveers was extremely pleased with how his team had been playing the first two matches. "Halfassedstates is always a tough opponant" he said, alluding to the many times Svecia and HAS have met not only in qualifying, but the numerous times the Lightning and Halfassedstates have met in the second round and beyond, with Svecia usually advancing after the post-group stage matchups.

The victory yesterday came with a 2-0 trouncing of True Yorkshire, although the score could have been much more, with a spectacular display of attacking voetbal, which very much pleased the partisan crowd. Svecia currently holds a second place tie with Tanah Burung, a previous host and a favorite to advance to the official World Cup, along with Halfassedstates and Svecia, all three being established Cup nations.

During the last world tournament, the nation of Svecia was embroiled in a regional crisis and this distracted the players and fans from the great accomplishments of the rookie squad. This year, despite the country's involvement in a war many citizens feel is unmoral, tens of thousands of fans decked in yellow and blue have turned out to support thier team and television rating for the first two matches have been astronomical.

But the team hinted that if they do increase their world ranking this year, there may not be a next World Cup for the Lightning. This is just speculation and there is a long way to go in this tournament. Right now the team is concentrating on taking the top spot in their qualifying group and at this point, they feel their sub-par world ranking is meaningless: the only place this team is going is up.

Qualifying match day 3 scores (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2742946#2742946), along with a grumpy warning about posting in the scores thread, have been posted.

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Christian socialists defeated
The Orange-Blues have defeted the christian socialists of Kerla narrowly by 2-1. The guest country, which is both socialist and christian had some moral problems, because rejistanian supporters wrote a verse of the socialist international on large banners, exactly the part which says 'no higher being will save us, no god and no king'. Perhaps the strange way to demoralize the guests are a reason why till now only one international match took place in Hetkali Hetlasane. But the Kerlans can be assured that the Hetkalians invent similar things also for domestic matches.

The Orange-Blues and Kerla were similar good teams and so the match was very balanced. The Kerlanians had some good chances in the first minutes when a misunderstanding between Kansu'he and I Kansu'he nearly put the Orange-Blues behind, fortunately, goalie Daki'he prevented worse things to happen. Su'he archieved the first goal in the 18th minute, by ousmarting two kerlan defender before placing the ball in the net with a hard shot, unkeepable for the kerlan goalie. The kerlans fought back, but could not level the score. The first half ended 1-0 for the Orange-Blues.

The seecond half of this match also had no superior team. The Kerlans and the Orange-Blues fought mostly in the midfield. In the 67th minute, kerlan forwards <name> and <othername> used fast crosses to get the ball into the the rejistanian penalty area, <name> shot and - the score was 1-1. The Orange-Blues continued their rather offensive style of game and it paid off in the 79th minute when Y'he again brought the Orange-Blues ahead. This time after a corner shot by Su'he. The match had a late shock moment in the injury time as a kerlan free kick only missed the goal by centimenters.

The result:
Rejistania 2 (Su 18th, Y 79th)
Kerla 1 (<name> 67th)

(OOC: :oops: MD3 is already posted?)
IC:

Santwa lost in the snow
Santwa was defeated by a clear 2-0 by the rejistanian Orange-Blues. It is the third cosecutive win in which the Orange-Blues scored two goals and it is the third consecutive match in which SyLy didn't start. Even if he was substituted in the 64th minute and scored the second goal. for the Orange-Blues, this match had one big difficulty: the temperatures were far below 0°C and it was snowing. The match couldn't be postponed because as Santwa manager Santwa Claus prove by huge statisitcs, the weather never improved in the last 500 years.

The match was perhaps the first one in the history which was played with a red ball, simply because a white ball would get lost in the snow after seconds. For the Rejistanians this temperatures were totally unknown. Coach Hexen Imdila said after the match: "I guess that's what home-advantage means. Rejistania is a tropical country and they are near north pole." despite this home-advantage, the Orange-blues started fast and offensive. Perhaps simply because it helps against the cold weather to move. The Santwans had some good chances but goalie Nana Daki and the defense had never problems to hinder the Santwans to capitalize them. In the first half you could see, that the Santwans are more used to the frozen ground than the Orange-Blues, but it were them who started scoring. In the 46th minute, Y'he archieved the first goal in this game after an assist by Linkosa'he. The few Orange-Blue fans cheered. In the 64th minute, they had again a reason to cheer since SyLy replaced Y'he. SyLy made the rejistanian offense extra dangerous for the snatwans and only three minutes after his substitution, he archieved his fist goal in this cup. The rest of the game was not that interesting, since the weather seriously decreased the quality of the match.

The result:
Santwa 0
Rejistania 2 (Y 46th, Lyku 67th)

Bulldogs Draw For Third Straight Game, Analysts Claim They Are Playing Poker
COSTA LOT - The Bulldogs got their first chance in a while at playing an unranked team, but were still unable to win. They did, however, manage 2 goals this time. Mr. Anonymous of the Costa Lot team started the scoring with 2 goals in the 5th and 13th minutes. Hugh Modde (who was mistakenly referred to by the Costa Lot commentators as "You Mod") got the first goal for Commerce Heights in the 29th minute. The score remained 2-1 at halftime, but Sherwood got the equalizer in the 46th minute. No goals were managed by either side after that, ending the game with another draw for the Bulldogs.
(15) Commerce Heights 2 (Modde 29, Sherwood 46)
(NR) Costa Lot 2 - FT
The Bulldogs remain tied for 4th in the group table with One Red Dot:
[code:1:6ca9d6dfa5]Group 9 P W D L F A GD Pts
Grand master Mark 2 2 0 0 3 1 +2 6
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 2 1 1 0 6 2 +4 4
Praying2God (77) 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
Commerce Heights (15) 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
One Red Dot (9) 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
Costa Lot 2 0 1 1 3 4 -1 1
The Master Cooper 2 0 1 1 2 3 -1 1
Patinhas 2 0 1 1 1 5 -4 1[/code:1:6ca9d6dfa5]
Commerce Heights Schedule
Day 1: vs #9 One Red Dot – T 0-0
Day 2: at Costa Lot – T 2-2
Day 3: vs #77 Praying2God
Day 4: at #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 5: vs Patinhas
Day 6: vs Grand master Mark
Day 7: at The Master Cooper
Day 8: at #9 One Red Dot
Day 9: vs Costa Lot
Day 10: at #77 Praying2God
Day 11: vs #30 Gesamtkuntswerk
Day 12: at Patinhas
Day 13: at Grand master Mark
Day 14: vs The Master Cooper

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Evisceratomato industry recovering
"It's working," says gov't evisceratomato commission

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Six weeks after the beginning of World Cup 12 qualifying, and the launching of a massive evisceratomato advert campaign, a government commission on the state of the evisceratomato industry has brought back promising news that the evisceratomato is "indeed on the upturn." Star-studded commercials featuring Wonderteam players were credited with helping bring back positive public opinion, despite the refusal by the Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network to show reruns of them due to the incident involving Archy Ferdinand and his anti-Free Vegetable Patch of Evisceratomatoes sentiment.

"Still," said a confident Harry Gray, "the fact that the Wonderteam is playing in our sponsored stadium covered inside and out with evisceratomato advertisements is bound to continue to boost sales -- even though the evisceratomato commercials aren't being run anymore. Billy Evisceratomato is remembered by children everywhere."

It's true -- further government studies into the state of the Bureaucratic States' evisceratomato industry have shown that only a few minutes around the Consolidated Foods evisceratomato mascot spewing out it's memorable jingle has led to the infectious memorization and repeating of the jingle, that goes "don't be late, they're really great, evisceratomatoes demand to be ate." A study of a group of 24 children showed positive results that the song is easily remembered in a few short minutes -- a testament to the genius of Consolidated Food's advertising [editor's note: and seemingly propaganda] department.

"We just want to bring the public a good product," said Harry Gray. "And that involves beating our product into their brain(s); especially the evisceratomato song. Product advertisement is the name of the game, and I dare say we're playing it pretty well."

---

Bovines sliced and diced
Oglethorpia secures first away victory of World Cup 12 qualifying

By Bill Christmas

BSE FREE BOVINES (BT) -- Oglethorpia's Wonderteam made the long haul by air to the farway bovine-filled country of BSE Free Bovines, also on an advertising crusade to convince the world that no food epidemic is inherent in their country any longer. The time seemed right for a show of solidarity between the two countries on their stance concerning food poisoning -- but in a photo op at BSE Free Bovines' international airport, Archy Ferdinand was caught with a piece of steak in his pocket -- not even remotely hidden -- destined to become a public relations nightmare.

Nevertheless, the Wonderteam traveled to the BSE Free Bovines National Stadium and proceeded to put on a good show.

After a relatively slow opening five minutes, Oglethorpia would settle into their grove. A lob shot down to Jorge White once again playing a good game down the corner of the field knocked a skillful pass to center field to Torrence Black -- as luck would have it, the shot would rebound off the corner bar. Floyd Black was there to head it back in.

"I think it was more accidental when I scored that goal -- I had hardly noticed Torrence [Black] didn't make it, or that it was me who put it in."

Regardless, the Wonderteam was up 1-nil shortly before the 10th.

All was well as Oglethorpia forged towards the 30th minute -- that is until a brash Archy Ferdinand gave BSE Free Bovines a free kick just outside the goalie's box.

"Well, what I had planned to do was send out Andre the Giant and put a wall in front of Yamamoto-san...then someone came over and told me Andre the Giant doesn't play for us."

'twas a shame, because striker Santa Gertrudis' free kick soared over the wall made up of Torrence Black, Floyd Black and Fernando Green -- Yamamoto-san's dive towards the high ball was all for naught, BSE Free Bovines having equalized in the 27th minute.

Playing towards the second half, the early 40th minute saw more action on the side of the Wonderteam offense -- while a first drive from a newly regained ball in midfield would end up offsides, minutes later the offense would be back at work. Once again stripped from midfield, the BSE Free Bovines' defense would be weaved by a skillful team of Jorge White and Torrence Black working down field -- Jorge White would complete a pass from Torrence Black in the goalie's box, putting it in the right corner of the net, after leaping over diving Bovines' keeper Devon.

"He woulda stripped the ball from Torrence Black, no doubt," said Jorge White, smiling. "But he just couldn't handle me."

At half Oglethorpia would find themselves up 2-1 over BSE Free Bovines.

"That goal by Jorge [White]'s definitely going to set us up going into the second half - I daresay we've got momentum on our side," commented coach Picciotto.

Alas, it was not to be -- neither side would make anything happen in the second half, and finally things would come to a close with the final whistle called by a bipedal bovine, Oglethorpia taking home their second win of World Cup 12 qualifying.

"It was a good win," commented team captain Fernando Green. "Our philisaphapho- phila- pho- moral, matto thing is uh, keep playin' good football. And we're going to keep on trying."

---

[u]THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 2 (F. Black 9th, J. White 42nd)
BSE Free Bovines 1 - (S. Gertrudis 27th)

Total n Utter Insanity 2 Europa Brittania 0

Ankh-Morpork C-mail
Cockbill Street Department

Cockbill Street Drub OPArsenal
Brashear Hat-Trick Send Us Flying

Newcomers OPArsenal were next to come in the World Cup XII qualifying campaign for Cockbill Street. After that surprising victory over Europa Britannia, an easy game awaited before the real tests, most people thought. And in the tiny stadium, holding 2,500 people, most of which were relatives of OPArsenal players or diehard Cockbill Street fans, Cockbill Street did exactly that. Defense was, again, solid, the midfield completely dominant, and the attackers converted most of their chances. Thus, Cockbill Street rode off with the three points, after a goal rout enginereed by Chris Brashear. He scored the first goal after eight minutes, a lovely long-range shot that found its way into the goal, and then put a low looping corner kick into the goal from three metres about a quarter of an hour later. Greg Pollock really should have made it 3-0 just before the half-time whistle, but his shot grazed the keeper's glove and then the bar.

Still, it didn't matter, thanks to Robert Hauritz' raid early in the second half. He dribbled off four defenders and scored a lovely goal with a cheeky lob over the keeper, resulting in an inassailable 3-0 lead. Another free kick from the match hero, Chris Brashear, resulted in the final scoreline being nailed ten minutes from time. An excellent warm-up before the home game against another newcomer, Gormith.

Cockbill Street team: J Axewielder 6 - Chalky 6, Carpenter 7, Harmison 5 - B Axewielder 7, Petisha 6, Hauritz 6, H Axewielder 5 - Quier 6, Brashear 8, Pollock 7.

Average ratings for WCXII: Jorn Axewielder 6.50 (13/2), Calcium-carbonate 5.50 (11/2), Helen Carpenter 6.50 (13/2), Peter Harmison 5.50 (11/2), Bjorn Axewielder 7.00 (14/2), Adam Petisha 5.50 (11/2), Robert Hauritz 6.00 (12/2), Harald Axewielder 5.50 (11/2), Simon Quier 6.50 (13/2), Chris Brashear 7.50 (15/2), Greg Pollock 6.50 (13/2)

Dwayne's World

*Cheesy trumpet music blasts in the speakers of the FIFAnet studio. The room is decorated as a pub would, with a host’s desk in the middle and two large leather chairs to its left, along with a crowd of two hundred out of the sight of the camera.*

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Belmorian referee and host of Dwayne’s World… Dwaayyyyyyne Belmore!

*The man dressed in referee’s attire walks out to the side and shakes the hands of the lucky few in front and then jogs to his desk.*

Dwayne: Welcome everybody, as you all know, this is Dwayne’s World and it is I your host, Dwayne Belmore. We got a really big show tonight so let’s not mess around too much. My first guest has a Ph.D. in Sports Psychology and the reins of one of the most storied international sides of all time, please give it up for Dr. Horatio Cosmo!

*Dr. Cosmo walks out in a lime-green leisure suit and waves to the crowd as they applaud him. Belmore gets up from his desk to shake Cosmo’s hand, before both men sit down.*

Dwayne: Horatio, good to have you on Dwayne’s World.

Cosmo: It’s a pleasure to be here.

Dwayne: So let’s start off and talk a little football. Your team kicked off the tournament with two draws, are you pleased?

Cosmo: I’m f*ckin pissed.

*The crowd courteously laughs*

Dwayne: Might I remind you that this we may have kids watching?

Cosmo: Sorry Dwayne, but I have to admit I really thought we were going to do better than that. On paper, we’re better than both of those teams and to walk away with only two points after a two-game homestand against two winnable teams, it’s disappointed.

Dwayne: Tell me about it, we lost to Lovisa 2-0!

*Belmorian crowd boos wildly*

Dwayne: I know, calm down. I guess we’re still all a little bit touchy about that. Anyway, Horatio, what projects have you been working on lately?

Horatio: Well I’m currently trying to set up a football camp for underpriviledged, inner-city kids called Horatio’s House.

Dwayne: Ho’s house. Sounds like fun.

*Crowd laughs at the cheesy joke*

Horatio: Yeah, I hear you spend a fair bit of time there.

*Crowd: Oooohhh!*

Dwayne: Point taken. So now I believe you’re going on the road.

Horatio: Yes, our next match is in Holy India, who is the team as you remember who upset The Weegies in their first game so we’re not taking them lightly. And after that it’s off to BSE Free Bovines for another match.

Dwayne: I’ve always wondered, are BSE Free Bovines’ players really cows?

Horatio: Haha, well according to our scouts, they are actual humans.

Dwayne: Well with one point in two games they might as well dress cows for their next match!

*Crowd laughs furiously*

Dwayne: Alright Horatio, you’ve been a great guest, thanks for coming, we’re off to break and when we come down, we have a very special surprise for you.

-Commercial Break-

Hello, I’m Junior Socrates and Consolidated Foods have asked me to come here today to talk about Soylent Oranges. Soylent Oranges are genetically engineered fruit to give all the taste of an evisceratomato, without those potential harmful side effects like psychosis, gangrene or even death. With Soylent Oranges, Consolidated Foods have cut the health hazards and benefits while maintaining that excellent, enjoyable, evisceratomato taste.

*Junior Socrates picks up a Soylent Orange and bites into it.*

Mmmm… Deeeeelicious.


Soylent Oranges are damn good,
We’d sell you the real stuff if we could.
But since the government made them outlawed,
Grab a soylent orange since they're not so flawed.

Junior Socrates: Available at your local Consolidated Foodmart!

-Back to show-

Dwayne: Alright, we're back to Dwayne's World and we have a very special guest who I bet you'd never think would show up on this show. There were some questions about my refereeing...

*Crowd: Boo!*

Dwayne: I know, I know, there were some crazy claims made by Spaam's federation if I refereed (OOC-generated) another one of their matches, they were going to boycott. But as an act of good faith and to show that there really are no problems, I'd like to invite Spaam's mascot and ambassador to football, the Spaamaniac!

*The Spaamaniac's disco theme "He's a Spaamaniac" comes onto the speakers as the Spaamaniacs runs through the curtains.*

Spaamaniac: Like 'ell that wun't a penalty!

*The Spaamaniac jumps over Dwayne's desk and tackles Belmore off his chair. The two can be seen rolling around in a scuffle, exchanging punches. Security runs on stage and attempts to break the two up.*

Spaamaniac: Blimey! 'Ee's bitin' my leg!

*Security continue to struggle and finally to break the two. The Spaamaniac and Dwayne Belmore stand staring each other down, trying to catch their breath.*

Dwayne (to Security Guy): Get this moron off my stage.

Spaamaniac: A'll show you a moron!

*The Spaamaniac frees himself from the security guy with the dubious task or restraining the mascot and runs towards Belmore, landing a dropkick straight to Belmore's midsection. The Spaamaniac than mounts himself on Belmore and lands a solid flurry of lefts and rights before being pulled off by security.*

Spaamaniac (while restrained): The wurld is mine!

Works ripped off
Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me

Jeruselem Government News

In the 2nd half, Brazillico pressed the defense which broke when a striker Ronaldo escaped the offside trap to score a well earned goal.

OOC - I don't believe I have a striker named Ronaldo on my team, or even a player named Ronaldo, or even a play with a name even remotely resembling Ronaldo.

IC- The scorekeeper accidently mistyped Ronaldo, when actually trying to spell Trevors. BFA officials are investigating whether drugs or alcohol were involved, which would invoke someone spelling a name so ass backwards.

The Abysmal Times:

4 for the 'slaves
The Abysmals this time at least found their right place, thanks to Crash-Cheap Airways. Ok, they had one unplanned stop in Brazillico (which is nowhere near Audioslavia) where the pilot had to stop for fuel and to ask for the way and the tower control at the audioslavian airport started laughing about the plane, but they reached Audioslavia. That were the not-bad news. The stadium was in a shape to put even 'The Swamp" to shame. Perhaps the the-far-opposite-of-really-bad state of the pitch was the reason why the abysmals had so much problems to play, or maybe the fact that Audioslavia is a country and not a swamp which is independant for the single reason that no one would want to invade it. The Audioslavian 'real' team played in this match but the Soundgardian School U11s, who will play against the Abysmals in The Swamp watched the match. During the game, it became clear, why Abysmal statisticans have declared it 'mathematically impossible' that the Abysmals win or draw any match in the next 50 years. The 4 goals of this match were scored in the first 5 minutes. After that the Audioslavian coach said: "Stop it! They had some mass-suicides in their team, don't provoke another one!" So Audioslavia just watched as the Abysmals tried to archieve a goal themselfes. The not-that-bad news is that their attemps will be shown in many comedy broadcasts all around the world. The bad news is that they never had anything which at least reminded of a chance.

This double post includes a useless information: Estimated inflation rate in Abysmalistan: 1352%

BSTV - 'By the Numbers'
with Chuck Jones

Jones: Well, that was an exciting match, wasn't it, folks? But now after that, you have to deal with me, Chuck Jones. Let's have a look at our panel for today...Well, well, well, we have three BFA First Division managers here today. In the first seat is Tyrone Rothchild of Yuba United, in the second seat is Clinton Sloss of the Jamaica Giants, and finally we have Julio Walters of the Graceville Salamanders.

Walters: Great to be here, Chuck.

Jones: Yeah, whatever. All right, here's how this little program works for those of you at home who've never seen it: I'll spit out a number, and the first one to buzz in has to tell me how that number relates to either the Bedistan Lions' last qualifying match against Talyllyn or the Lions' WC12 qualifying run as a whole. If you buzz in and get it right, you win five points. If you're wrong, you lose three points. We'll keep going until we have three numbers in a row that nobody can handle. Ready? Good. Here we go.

*brief musical transition plays*

Jones: Let's start with a nice simple number -- zero.

*Sloss buzzes in*

Sloss: That would be the number of draws we've had so far, along with the number of goals Talyllyn scored against us.

Jones: Correct. Actually, you gave me two things, but only the first one counts in this round. Five points to you, Clint. Next number: one.

*Rothchild buzzes in*

Rothchild: That's the number of goals we scored against Talyllyn.

Jones: Right you are. Five points for you, Ty. Let's try the number two.

*Sloss buzzes in*

Sloss: That's the number of matches we've won so far.

Jones: Right. You have ten points now. Next number: three.

*Rothchild buzzes in*

Rothchild: That's easy; we've played three matches so far.

Jones: Yep. Ten for Ty, ten for Clint, and Julio still hasn't buzzed in. Asleep at the buzzer there? Maybe you can do something with four.

*Walters buzzes in*

Walters: That's the number of goals we've scored.

Jones: Finally, he does something! Julio Walters on the board with five. Speaking of five, what can you tell me about five?

*Walters buzzes in*

Walters: That's the matchday on which we face....Kerla.

Jones: Judge?

*a buzzer is heard*

Jones: Sorry; saying who we face on a matchday isn't good enough. Minus three points. Anyone else for five?

*the buzzer goes off again*

Jones: That's time. All right, we'll move on to the number six.

*Rothchild buzzes in*

Rothchild: That's the number of corner kicks we got against Talyllyn.

Jones: Right you are; Tyrone Rothchild takes the lead on 15 points. How about number seven?

*Rothchild buzzes in*

Rothchild: Number of attempts on goal that went off target for the Lions.

Jones: Judge?

*a bell dings*

Jones: All right, it's assumed you're talking about the last match there. That's right. Anybody with number eight?

*buzzer*

Jones: Nobody. All right, let's try nine.

*Sloss buzzes in*

Sloss: That's the number of substitutes on the national squad.

Jones: Judge?

*buzzer*

Jones: Sorry, team composition doesn't count. Three points off. Anyone else?

*buzzer*

Jones: OK, if nobody gets the next one, that's it. Tell me something about the number ten.

*Sloss buzzes in*

Sloss: The number of points the group leaders have?

*laughter*

Jones: Clint, you of all people should know that it's impossible to have ten points after three matches. Three points off, plus an additional stupidity point. Anybody else want to try ten?

*buzzer*

Jones: That's three in a row with no correct response, so that's it. What's the final tally?

Announcer: First, Tyrone Rothchild finishes up with 20 points. Clinton Sloss winds up with three, and Julio Walters gets two.

Jones: Wow. That's so much of a blowout that we're just going to skip the second round. Our winner today: Tyrone Rothchild, manager of Yuba United!

Rothchild: Cool.

Jones: All right, that's all the time we have. Stay tuned for live coverage of the semifinals for this year's Bedistani Cup. Up next: Graceville v Sonovago. From Studio Four in Sonoma City, I'm Chuck Jones saying good night to everyone.

[code:1:95c99ee8c8]Final score:
Bedistan 1 (Vu 53)
Talyllyn 0[/code:1:95c99ee8c8]

Works ripped off
Brazillico's WC11 RPs (sort of)

[Note: Any resemblance to any RL programs, including names, is purely coincidental. I have no idea whether anything like this exists in RL. :P]

All of a sudden, the Nomadic Peoples of Gormith are feeling pretty good about their surprise 100K bet that they would qualify.

After their debut in World Cup Qualifying (2-1 over OPArsenal, Garx in the 38th minute and Garp in the 85th), and a strong second game showing (1-0 over Newcuba, Garx in the 83rd minute), Gormith faced their first troublesome test against Cockbill Street, who had been tied with them atop Group 8 standings.

To counter their thusfar anemic offense, the Nomads abandoned their standard 7 fullback box and moved to a standard 4-4-2. This was hoped to give that little extra offensive push.

Apparently, it worked. Ghulf, moved to the Midfield for the first time in this game, shot up the left wing and totally embarassed the Cockbill goalie with a shot to the corner of the goal in the 3rd minute.

After that initial score, Gormith dropped back into a more defensive stance, but Cockbill Street's attempts to push upfield again presented another opening, allowing Ghulf to again push forward on a breakaway and score in the 39th minute.

Faced with a two to nothing lead, the Nomads returned to their 7 back backfield box for the second half, and the books were closed on the scoring.

After the game, team captain Gorm II said "Nobody, but nobody expected anything from us, and you could see that from the fact that we had the longest odds on the table at the bookmakers, but we've got a good pattern going now, and I feel comfortable where we are"

Gormith is currently second in Group 8, preparing to go on the road against Telewest next. A tremendous clash for control of the group appears to be occurring on matchday 6, when Total and Utter insanity comes to The Open Field, where 70,000 screaming Nomad supporters, and a handful of cattle, will cheer their Nomads on.

The Daily Druid

TRUE-LY AWFUL
Ian Question-Mark at Dave’s Shed, Dave for NEWI Cefn Druids 0 True Yorkshire 1

Next time anyone tells you anything positive about the Druids, you now have permission to give them a slap. Anyone who watched this will agree that it was totally awful. Especially if you’re following the Druids.

The only goal of the game came when Eric Lanton slipped, and <player11> collected the ball to score past an over-exposed Trevor Erg. But the single goal does not begin to tell the story of how absolutely dire this attempt at a match was. Neither side seemed to be able to string more than three passes together. If they did, then a player would more than likely stumble over the ball, or hoof it to the opposition defence. It was that bad.

The biggest surprise of the game was that so many of the crowd managed to stay until the end. I certainly wouldn’t have if I wasn’t being paid to. Maybe that was the trick – people were actually being paid to stay. Otherwise, they should be heading to the Dave’s Den mental hospital opposite the ground.

Unfortunately, they are also paying me to write about the match. As if having to sit through the damn thing wasn’t enough, I now have to bring forth these treacherous memories in my mind and tell you about them. However, I would consider it cruel upon our readers if I was to actually write about the game.

Let’s just say manager Tim Welsh wasn’t too impressed. He told us, “What… is the match over… sorry, must have dozed off there… um… well, obviously I’m going to have to ask for better from the lads.”

Well, it isn’t as if he could ask for much worse…

Final score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 0
True Yorkshire 1 [<player11> 52]

Druids team: (4-4-2) Erg; Pearson, Kallins, Lanton, Seaton; James, Simpson, Trevor, Leyghton; Greaves, Frederiksson.

Strike Birds Still Undefeated

Eagle's Nest ties Jeruselem 2-2

The Strike Birds continue their amazing run tying 123rd ranked Jeruselem 2-2. The Birds were leading the group before todays match, but after wins by Oglethorpia, Spaam, and Brazillico has fallen to a tie for third.

The first half saw all the action in this game. 2 minutes in, a yellow card was issued upon one of the Jeruselem defenders for a brutal tackle on striker Adams that forced Coach Aefnen to play with ten for 7 minutes while he was worked on during the side. The Birds then proceeded to show a clinic in amazing ball maintainence keeping the ball away from Jeruselem who had a man advantage. Adams was waved back in by the official, and immediately went on a full run, noticably limping as he ran. The defense lobbed the ball half of the field and caught Adams right as he went by the last defensive man. He worked his way towards the penalty spot and took a wobbly strike at the left edge that went off the goalie's hands into the goal. 15 minutes later, Jeruselem equalized on a misplayed defense and a spectacular shot from the end of the penalty box.

With the game tied 1-1, Adams was not able to keep up with the speed and he was substitued at 31 minutes. It appeared that the Birds were doomed to their first loss when a bad tackle in the penalty box gave Jeruselem a easy goal by a penalty shot. However, luck was with the Birds tonight as Mario Gratunia took a perfect corner kick that curved in over the goalie's head and landed in the right side of the net during penalty time in the first half.

The second half was uneventful except for a small commotion in the second half when a dog found its way into the stadium and decided that he wanted to play ball as well. The game was stopped for ten minutes while the dog was slowly guided out of the field area. The end disposition of the dog is unknown.

In other games in Group 11, Oglethorpia took out BSE Free Bovines 2-1 on a spectacular shot late. Brazillico, who tied the Birds 1-1 in their first game, easily beat Holy India 4-1. Spaam narrowly defeated our next opponent, the Weegies 1-0. The Strike Birds are leaving directly from Jeruselem to go to the Weegies.

Post Game Highlights:

Striker J. Adams on his injury.

"It hurts. Doc tells me it's a deep bruise, but I think if I ice it down, and with a bit of luck, I should be ok for tomorrow's game. Definately be ready for the next home match against BSE Free Bovines."

Coach Aefnen on their premier season.

"I keep telling you guys, don't get your hope up yet. We have 11 more games to play. At this point, anyone can win this Group. You guys have to have guarded optimism. But I do have to admit, the guys are taking the system well. They are believing they can be better than they were on their club teams. You have to admit that...it's pretty gratifying as a coach. I was sure we'd have at least 2 losses by now."

Goalkeeper N. Adams on the first goal.

"I misread it. For some reason I thought it was trailing left, but midshot, I realized my error and adjusted, but I could only get a finger on it. It was a perfect shot. Any more left or right, and I get it, or the post pushes it out."

The next match will be at the Weegies home pitch. Fans going to this game reminded to check your passport and tickets before you leave.

Scoring:

Eagles Nest
J. Adams 9:13 (3)
M. Gratunia 45:00 +3 penalty (1)

Jeruselum
Player #13 24:19 (2)
Palyer # 32 38:02 (1)

Official Standings as posted by KP:

[code:1:89f05bba1d]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 3 2 1 0 7 4 3 7 40
Spaam 3 2 0 1 5 4 1 6 39
Brazillico 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
The Eagles Nest 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
Jeruselem 3 0 3 0 4 4 0 3 36
Holy India 3 1 0 2 3 8 -5 3 36
The Weegies 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1 34
BSE Free Bovines 3 0 1 2 3 6 -3 1 34
[/code:1:89f05bba1d]

Eagle's Nests Qualifying Results

Eagle's Nest @ Brazillico Tie 1-1
Eagle's Nest vs. Holy India Win 3-0
Eagle's Nest @ Jeruselem Tie 2-2
Eagle's Nest @ The Weegies
Eagle's Nest vs. BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest vs. Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest @ Spaam

Eagle's Nest vs. Brazillico
Eagle's Nest @ Holy India
Eagle's Nest vs. Jeruselem
Eagle's Nest vs. The Weegies
Eagle's Nest @ BSE Free Bovines
Eagle's Nest @ Oglethorpia
Eagle's Nest vs. Spaam




Baseball

In baseball news today, the Nesmian Redbirds defeated Greenville Orges 5-3 in a exhibition game. Only about 250 people showed up. Apparently the time was announced wrong on the tickets.

The World Cup Update
Team Suffer First Defeat - Josh Hinar (Guest Writer) at the National Stadium for Liverpool England 1 Anteaus Rising 3

Ah, sooner or later you expect it. A loss, finally. The national team has now gone on a draw-win-lose streak in three games, and their erratic and non-consistent form does not look like ending. A disastrous match, leaving Paul Dussis fuming. Dussis later confirmed at a press conference that he would resign in favour of Caddy Cannon if Liverpool England did not claim all three points against arch-rivals The Belmore Family.

The match started, the home side dominating play, with Howard Christopher's placed shot from 35 yards hitting the bar and rebounding into the Antean goalkeeper's hands. Just a minute later, a suspect professional foul by the Antean goalkeeper went unpunished, but after consultation with his assistant referee the match official awarded the penalty, sending off the Antean keeper after just 2 minutes. The Antean officials made a substitution, bringing off a defender for their sub keeper and going to a (4) - 3 - 3. Penalty.

Steven Blackwell stepped up and made no mstake. 1-0 to the home side. Just as Liverpool England took the pedal off the attack, going to a very defensive 1-5-3-1, playing the counterattack, the Anteans took advantage of the space in midfield and bossed the play easily. An amazing possession advantage of 84-16 was recorded at the 16 minute mark. A horrible defensive blunder, though, cost Liverpool England the lead - from an indirect free kick in the box - Dominic Dirosa headed the ball past Mark Hearne - 1 all.

(Secon Half Match Report to come)

Whew, five pages of reading caught up on. The trouble with this Cup, Lemmy my dear, is that there is too much RP. :wink:

DAILY DESSICATED CLONE
(formerly the DAILY CROCODILE)

Welcome to the new improved paper. After a days-long struggle for editorial control, now under new management! Now under new management! I'm your new editor, Jacob Two-Two, age 8. Actually i'm a clone of the original Jacob Two-Two. A clone!

Team unveiling continues

Fun-loving oldster Bi Kikere unveiled some new Dessicated Clones before the opening day qualifier. Shrugging off criticism from group rivals Halfassedstates, she announced a second midfielder: Sultan Agung (midfield), an 18th-century king known for always scoring. We're sure that the execution of any goal tender who did not allow him to score was a complete coincidence, and that the Sultan is every bit as good as they say. Every bit as good. The Sultan was cloned from the mummified remains of His Fearsomeness in the Burung Paradis Mausoleum.

Also unveiled were two more defenders: Francisco Alhamid, captain of the WC2 Crocodiles and revolutionary war hero, and Alex Manupatty who played for the Crocs in several World Cups, but i can't remember which ones, and was voted Sexiest Footballer in the country by a crowd of teenage girls and boys who appreciate a good facial piercing. Joining them at her usual attacking midfield position is Canabe Livit, who is not a Clone, but [i]is[/] almost 40 years old. The remaining four players had their faces blurred on television for the opening match.

Judge rules for Clones

Since Halfassedstates had entered an official protest over the use of Clones (Dessicated or otherwise), the opening match was played in a Dokett in front of a panel of WCC members sitting in judgment. Ab Francisco, Tanah Burung's WCC representative, sat out the panel since his Clone was playing, and he wanted to avoid a Cloneflict of interest. The WCC being unable to agree on anything, they played a football match instead, with WCC members taking up their positions in front of the Dokett and trying to keep the Dessicated Clones from scoring on the Dokett.

It was Ab Francisco (the clone, not the WCC member) who opened the scoring, when he converted a well-timed cross-examination by token Non-Clone Canabe Livit. The Spaamaniac WCC member's objection was over-ruled and the score was 1-0 for the Dessicated Clones. Syahnun, the enigmatic but brilliant playermaker, added a second goal before Awesome Futebol Wonder Guy from Oglethorpia retorted for the Dokett. An apparent equalizer by Benhurr the Enormously Hard of Hearing from Warnocks Wizards was ruled out of order, because he had been unable to show prior cause, and the jury was instructed to disregard.

A dramatic goal by Sultan Agung in the dying seconds was made possible when goalkeeper Vlemmimir Lemmtiak temporarily left the Dokett to answer a word-count challenge on whether Total n Utter Insanity counted as one word or four. And with that, the Dessicated Clones had won their opening match, and, they assumed, the right to continue playing as a team of Clones.

Final score:
Dokett 1 Tanah Burung 3

(long enough for one post, continued shortly)

(Second Half)

The second half started more queitly compared to the first half, with no action to speak of in the first 35 minutes - 10 minutes from the death, somehow, Dirosa knocked the ball back to Hearne, he ball bounced off the pitch straight into the path of an oncoming stiker - 2-1!

Dussis changed to an all-out 2-2-1-5, and that, too, backfired - the Antean attack capitalised on the weak defence and scored to put the game beyond doubt.

Liverpool England 1 (Blackwell 2 pen)
Anteaus Rising 3 (Dirosa 17 og, <player 4> 80 81, <player 1> red card 1)

(Second Half)

The second half started more queitly compared to the first half, with no action to speak of in the first 35 minutes - 10 minutes from the death, somehow, Dirosa knocked the ball back to Hearne, he ball bounced off the pitch straight into the path of an oncoming stiker - 2-1!

Dussis changed to an all-out 2-2-1-5, and that, too, backfired - the Antean attack capitalised on the weak defence and scored to put the game beyond doubt.

Liverpool England 1 (Blackwell 2 pen)
Anteaus Rising 3 (Dirosa 17 og, <player 4> 80 81, <player 1> red card 1)

A visit to a small girl

Tanah Burung's finest (much finer than the police, who are not really held in very high regard at all) returned home briefly for the unveiling of the remaining Dessicated Clones. On defence is former team captain and World Cup all-star Rosa Bibere. In the midfield, former Errinundrian star oreadest, who became a naturalized Tanah Burung citizen -- and who, technically, has never played for another country, since he's a Clone. So there! And the goalkeeper is (and who didn't see this coming?) Bi Kikere, all shiny and new and fresh from the cloning vats. Or maybe the shininess is jsut the oil she's putting on her Dessicated skin.

"After all," said Bi Kikere, coach of the Dessicated Clones, "who better to play goal than me, the greatest goaltender ever to play for this half-assed country. I mean, Tanah Burung, not Halfassedstates. They're actually not halfassed at all. In fact, i've heard that that (unprintable) Margaret has family here.

In front of a crowd that seemed to consist almost entirely of 12-year old girls with chickens and voodoo pins, the Dessicated Clones were unfazed. Brought up from birth in an isolated and sterile environment, protected from the mass media and wandering preachers, these Clones are supposed to be immune to the lash of superstition. And so they seemed to be, shrugging off the crowd's jeers and playing to a very respectable 1-1 draw on a goal from oreadest. Who is as we said a clone so technically he has never played for another country.

Halfassedfans seemed more than a little perturbed at the Cloning around with nature. "This has got to stop," said one. "In the name of all that's holy, think about the consequences. What if some mad scientist decides to clone Alan Belmore?"

Final result:
Halfassedstates 1 Tanah Burung 1


May i have two pounds of firm, ripe tomatoes? May i have two pounds of firm, ripe tomoatoes

The vegetable sellers were out in force outside the Dessicated Clones' home opener at Tiga Burung against SterlingIce. This part of the country has been bombarded with annoying jingles broadcast over Oglethorpian radio, and local public airwaves enthusiasts are in a rage against the noxious mascot Billy Evisceratomato and the ungrammatical commercial shills of the Oglethorpian Big Evisceratomato interests. "Poison," said one. "I prefer classical music," replied his friend. In the end, they decided to split a nice emu pie with a side of Killcumber Dill salad.

The Dessicated Clones played tight and disciplined, with rare flashes of brilliance: one of them oreadest's picture-perfect chip to Ab Francisco, who put it into the net with applomb. Well, with his foot actually, but teacher says words like applomb will make me sound smart. They might have scored more, but the Clones' skin kept cracking and players had to run to the sidelines for more moisturising ointment.

"Next time, we'll use more sunblock," said Bi Kikere. "Next time, we'll use more sunblock," said Bi Kikere.

Final score:
Tanah Burung 1 SterlingIce 0

---

Things ripped off: oh, too many to count. Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang, for one.

BOVINE TIMES

WONDERTEAM HANDS BOVINES SECOND HOME DEFEAT

EL TORO
The Wonderteam from Oglethorpia was the opponent for the Bovines today. The Oglethorpians are the group 11 favorites and were expected to give the Bovines no quarter. It took little time for the Oglethorpians to settle into the match and mount their first challange to Devon's net.

Not surprisingly, the Wonderteam took the lead 9 minutes into the half. Torrence Black blasted a hard shot off the woodwork and Floyd Black was there to put the rebound into the net.

The Bovines managed to level the score at the 27th minute. Wonderteam's Ferdinand brought down Piedmontese just outside the box. It seemed to be a needless challange since the Bovine playmaker had knocked the ball too far ahead and the Wonderteam keeper Yamato was the only man that could get to it. There was some confusion as Ferdinand was apparently unhappy with the wall setup by his mates. Ferdinand looked to the bench several times before settling in at the end of the wall. Bovine forward Santa Gertrudis took the kick and placed the ball just over the wall and outside of the keeper's reach. It was one of the few highlights for the local side during the match.

The Wonderteam scored once again in the 40th minute. This time it was Torrence Black and Jorge White combining in a series of passes downfield which ended with Jorge White sliding a beautiful ball into the back of the net past a diving Devon.

At the halftime whistle the Wonderteam was up 2 - 1. The Oglethorpian side was playing well and the second half promised to be interesting. Alas it was not to be as both teams emerged from the break with little energy. Neither team mounted much offense in the second half as play was confined to midfield with little threat to either keeper.

The local crowd seemed to tire from the lack of action in the second half and the chant of "DOWNERS, DOWNERS, DOWNERS" rained down from the stands. A few well aimed pats of manure also appeared atop the Bovine bench.

Uncharacteristically, Coach Galloway left the stadium without speaking to the press. The Bovine players took their cue from their coach and did not answer any questions outside their locker room. The team boarded a bus and headed back to their training facility in Barnville.

GROUP 11 RESULTS FOR MATCH DAY 3
Jeruselem 2 The Eagles Nest 2
Oglethorpia 2 BSE Free Bovines 1
Holy India 1 Brazillico 4
Spaam 1 The Weegies 0

ARCHY FERDINAND CAUGHT WITH FOREIGN MEAT AT EL TORO AIRPORT
EL TORO
Wonderteam defender Archy Ferdinand was found carrying a piece of non-Bovine beef during his arrival at El Toro International Airport before today's match. He was spotted carrying a steak in his pocket as he posed for pictures before boarding the team bus. Ferdinand was briefly detained by BSE Free Customs Police and the steak was confiscated for evidence.

A spokesperson for the Customs Police said that "the steak in question was raw and had been brought into the country by Mr. Ferdinand. The steak was to be brought to Customs Police headquarters for extensive tasting." Customs Police agents were seen driving towards their headquarters after a brief stop at the duty free area of the airport to pick up a couple of bottles of red wine. As of this evening, the results of the tasting had not been released. "If the steak is found to be of foreign origin and not BSE Free certified, Mr. Ferdinand could be charged with smuggling a prohibited substance."

Neither the Wonderteam nor Mr. Ferdinand had any comment as they boarded their charter flight back to Oglethorpia after today's match.

An Antaen spokesman said Liverpool England could be next on the hit list after managing to spell Antaen and Antaeus incorrectly numerous times. It's expected the President will announce his decision on the action to take against them in a press conference later.

AND WELCOME to our show tonight!

Hello, I'm your host Max LaFlamme and tonight we'll be looking at the Group, that for some strange reason is being called the Group of Death...I don't know why, no one's died yet..but anyway I digress.

Just so we are up to date, here are the standings as they are after the third matchday:

[code:1:b91cced183]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 3 2 1 0 7 4 3 7 40
Spaam 3 2 0 1 5 4 1 6 39
Brazillico 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
The Eagles Nest 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
Jeruselem 3 0 3 0 4 4 0 3 36
Holy India 3 1 0 2 3 8 -5 3 36
The Weegies 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1 34
BSE Free Bovines 3 0 1 2 3 6 -3 1 34
[/code:1:b91cced183]

As you can see our very own Strike Birds are in a virtual tie for third with 44th rank Brazillico. Let's take a look at the teams and how this may end up.

We'll look at them by order of the World Rankings.

#14 - Oglethorpia. Well, what can we say about this team that is negative? Not much. Being ranked in the top 15 is a feat in itself. With wins at Spaam and at holy India, they have shown they are a very powerful road team. A tie at home against Jeruselum was their worst outing this time around. Definately a team to look out for.

#27 - Spaam. After opening with a loss vs. Oglethorpia, they have come on strong winning at BSE Free Bovines and against The Weegies at home. 2-0-1 in the opening three games is a nice show so far. Drawing a tie against this team will be a tough assignment for the Birds.

#41 - The Weegies. Surprising low in the standings after three games, they have only 1 point when they drew with Oglethorpia. It is a matter of time before this team gets on a roll. Hopefully it happens AFTER the Birds' match with them tomorrow.

#43 - Brazillico. Currently tied with the Strike Birds with 1 win and 2 ties. Even the goal differencial is the same. *shakes head* Something's just working right with this team right now. Possibly a coach/player arguement. Don't know. I expect this team to pick it up soon.

We'll be back right after this message.

(commercial

*the Evisceratomato jingle plays for a while*


Welcome back to the Group Eleven analysis show. Let's continue with the next four teams.

#123 - Jeruselem. Well, not much to say here. We only hope that the injury received from that brutal tackle (tv cuts to replay of the blatant tackle on striker Josh Adams) that the Birds' leading scorer received will be looked at by whoever can do something about this. I mean LOOK at this. (replay shows again) He wasn't even trying for the ball. But hey, something working right here. They havn't lost yet....they havn't won either though.

The unranked teams: Well, let's start with Holy India. Except for the upset over The Weegies, They havn't shown very much. They've been outscored 8-3 so far.

BSE Bovines: Played well in the Baptism of Fire Cup, but have had some back luck so far in the Qualifer Group. Facing Spaam and Oglethorpia early hasn't helped them. They will be a tough match.

Finally, the Strike Birds. Playing well above everyone's highest expectations, three of the next four matches will be very hard to gain any points from.

Looking forward to the future, We think that the Birds might be able to draw against BSE Free Bovines both times, win against Holy India on teh return match, and well......realilty will set in.

Our prediction for the group:

1. Oglethorpia 30 pts.
2. Spaam 27 pts.
3. Brazillico 25 pts.
4. The Weegies 21 pts.
5. The Strike Birds 16 pts.
6. BSE Free Bovines 15 pts.
7. Jeruselem 14 pts.
8. Holy India 9 pts.

Well, we'll update these predictions after the first round robin is done.

Thanks for watching. This is Max LaFlamme signing off for now.

GO BIRDS!

Out and About Lemmitania episode 3 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2746177#2746177) and episode 4 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2746199#2746199) have been posted to the venues thread.

“Jump Around” by House of Pain starts to play as background music for a montage of some of the finer plays of Matchday 3. …A stunning strike by Alex Cannon… A solid tackle by Syanhun… A large tea bag coming out on the pitch and tripping up a player… A zoom-in on the poorly manicured pitch at Liverpool England’s national stadium which essentially cost them the match… The music cuts short and goes to a shot of a studio, with two men sitting behind a titanium accented desk. On the front of the desk, one of Brazillico’s god awful purple jerseys hangs beside one of Holy India’s almost equally ugly orange/brown one.

Voice-over: Welcome to World Cup Qualifying Review with your hosts, Mike Indigo and Diego Morales.

Indigo: Hi, I’m Mike Indigo

Morales: And I’m Diego Morales, and since this is Brazillican television and we are notorious for being terribly redundant, this is the World Cup Qualifying Review where we’ll take a look back at the day that was, particularly in Group 11.

Indigo: Let’s kick things off by going to Holy India, where they were trying to stave off the Brazillico Chili Bats who were looking for their first win in qualifying.

Morales: This match got it’s first goal in the 22nd Minute when Junior Socrates passed the ball across the box to Trevors, who makes no mistake in all alone, opening up the score at 1-0.

Indigo: Holy India were quick to respond as they stormed down the pitch, culminating in a great strike by <shaman 8>, drawing even with the Bats.

Morales: However, Brazillico would get the lead in injury time just before the end of the half. Alex Cannon makes a sensational solo run, followed by a scintillating strike into the top corner, putting his team up 2-1 and putting himself in highlight reels all around the world.

Indigo: Holy India get a great chance to equalize at the start of the half. <Shaman 8> pulls the trigger, looking for his second, but Salazar is equal to the challenge with a great, diving catch save.

Morales: Flash forward to the 74th Minute. Brazillico’s up 3-1 and looking to add more. Trevors makes a promising run up the right wing, but Holy India’s mascot runs out from the sidelines and trips up the Brazillico attacker.

Indigo: The Holy India Tea Bag gets a yellow despite his protests to the referee and he actually gets to stay in the game, despite the protests of the Brazillican players.

Morales: This play wasn’t as innocent or as humorous as it first appeared, as we see on the reverse angle, the giant Tea Bag broke Trevor’s right ankle when sliding into that tackle. More news on Trevors after the match report.

Indigo: Brazillico tries to exploit Holy India’s holy defence once more, as Trevors’ substitute Sandro Cannon and his twin brother Alex Cannon complete a fabulous passing play, making the Holy Indians look like amateurs and allowing Sandro to collect his first goal in qualifying.

Morales: Holy India’s holy defence? Couldn’t you have used the word porous or permeable?

Indigo: It’s a play on words Diego. Nonetheless, Brazillico routs Holy India 4-1 on the road, giving the Chili Bats some much needed confidence, as well as the welcome points.

Morales: As we said, Trevors is out with an ankle injury, a fractured right ankle to be precise, and is expected to be out for four to six games.

Indigo: Dr. Horatio Cosmo was disgusted with Trevors’ injury and had some harsh words for the WCC and the officials after this one.

Switch to a pre-taped interview of Cosmo
Cosmo: Am I pissed that one of our starters is injured? Yes. Am I even more pissed that he got injured by a mascot? Absolutely! I’ve always been a strong advocate of having mascots not being on the field of play and to practise their trade in a designated mascot area, away from the players. Now we got this idiot, dressed up as a giant tea bag who decided to run out on the field of play and take out one of our best players? Ridiculous! This guy should be banned for life. So should the ref who gave him a yellow, that mascot should have been escorted out of there. The WCC should pass regulations making sure this kind of bull*beep* doesn’t happen again. I’ll you what, that giant *beep* tea bag better hope I never cross him on the street.

Back to studio
Morales: Well, Dr. Cosmo is obviously not happy with the job of the referee, the World Cup Committee or the mascot. Since Mike Indigo has recently been accredited as being a credible source to talk about mascots and the like, we’d like to bring you a new segment called Mike’s Mascot Minute. Mike, take it away.

Indigo sits in front of a screen with Mike’s Mascot Minute written in large, bold letters. He gently shuffles his papers and begins to speak.

Indigo: A lot of controversy has arisen lately about mascots growing increasingly violent. We all know that a good mascot can be the difference between winning or losing, victory or defeat, a solid qualifying performance or a wooden spoon. However, with the recent string of aggressive behaviour showcased by mascots lately, we have to ask ourselves, where to draw the line?
Last night on the Dwayne Belmore show, the Spaamaniac assaulted the host, Dwayne Belmore, in protest of a slew of bad calls in a previous match. Although the situation was rather comical, it could have caused physical damage to one of the WCC’s more renowned referees and fortunately enough, Dwayne was alright.
However, today the actions committed by the Holy India Tea Bag resulted in injury, and a rather serious one at that. Now I’m all for mascots helping their team in any way possible, be it moral, spiritual, or through massages, but when a mascot injures an opposing player, than they’ve taken it too far. It’s true that fans pay to see the players, but stay for the mascots, but interfering with an athlete on the field of play is overstepping your boundaries as an entertainer. All I can say is that I hope this shameful situation does not reproduce itself in the near future.

Voice-over: Mike’s Mascot Minute was brought to you by Consolidated Foods Soylent Oranges. Keep the taste, lose the madness!

Morales: That was deep, Mike.

Indigo: Thanks, it really means a lot coming from a mascot hater like yourself.

Morales: Alright, since we’re not like other sides trying to whore ourselves around by looking around the Group in a sorry effort to try to score more on the RP bonus, we’re just about out of time.

Indigo: But not without announcing our Dude of the Day!

Morales: The Dude of the Day award can only really go to one person today. Two goals, one assist, 19 years of age. A picture’s worth a thousand words so I’m gonna shut up and let the television screen do the talking.

Wide shot of Alex Cannon running upfield and making a series of sensational shimmies to free himself from Holy Indian defenders. Once he gets to the top of the box, he pulls the trigger with his right foot, placing the ball soundly in the top-left corner.
A different shot of a set piece, Tobias Cannon takes the free kick which is blocked thanks to a good diving save by the Holy Indian keeper. The HI defence are slow to clear the ball and Alex Cannon slides towards the ball and just nudges it over the line for his second of the game.
Another wide shot of Alex Cannon, running up the pitch with his brother Sandro at his side and three Holy Indian defenders in their way. Alex passes to Sandro, who makes magnificent move to lose one defender and passes it back to Alex. The latter Cannon continues to run up the field and finds a seam, playing a great ball to Sandro, who soundly thumps it past the sprawling Holy India goalkeeper.

Indigo: A lot of people were wondering whether the Cannon kids were going to live up to the pre-tournament hype and so far, they’ve mostly done nothing but great things.

Morales: Three of them have been regular starters, you can bank that Sandro’s gonna join them now that Trevors is injured, but how about Alex Cannon, three goals in three games, and let me tell you, with Sandro on the opposite wing, these two are going to wreak havoc with opposing defences.

Indigo: More passing plays like the one we saw at the close of that game we can hope, that’s just pretty. Anyways, for Diego Morales, I’m Mike Indigo and we’ll see you in BSE Free Bovines where we’ll be doing the color commentary for that match.

Morales: G’night folks!

Jump Around plays again, a rather unfitting closing music for this type of show, as the camera zooms out and eventually fades to black

Marie Law (ML): We're live from Commerce Heights where the Warriors just completed a 1-1 draw with the team from Commerce Heights. The Warriors opened the scoring when Thomas Larson headed in a cross from Kelly Carter in the 27th minute. The score remained 1-0 in the Warriors favor until the 63rd minute, when CH converted a penalty shot to equalize the score. Neither team could put the other away in the closing minutes, despite their being several good shots from both sides. Joining me to talk about today's game is today's goal scorer, Thomas Larson. Thomas, how do you think the team played today?

Thomas Larson (TL): That was our best game of the tournament so far. We actually kept our minds in the game for the full 90 minutes. We could use a little bit of work on finishing, but that's something that will come in time. Joshua Harris (the goalie) played a great game to keep us in it.

ML: You and Kelly Carter certainly seem to have some chemistry between you, don't you?

TL: Yes, we work well together out there.

ML: I didn't just mean on the field. I meant off of it as well.

TL: Define "chemistry" for me then.

ML: I'm the one asking the questions here. Let me rephrase that question then. Am I imagining things, or do there seem to be sparks between you and Kelly?

TL: That isn't any of your business.

ML: Thanks for your time, Thomas. We'll throw it back to Jennifer in the studio.

Jennifer Johnson (JJ): Just one question for you, Marie. Do you really think there is something going on between Kelly and Thomas? You're really trying to get the scoop on that story.

ML: You can tell it in the way they interact with each other. They apparently just don't want to go public regarding their relationship yet.

JJ: Interesting. Just make sure you keep people from gossiping about the idea until you have an admission from one of them.

ML: Will do, Jennifer.

JJ: Good night everybody.


PRAYING2GOD 1 Larson (28th minute from Carter, 2nd of the Cup)

Commerce Heights 1 <player> (63rd minute)


Unofficial Group 12 Standings (after 3 of 14 matches):
Grand Master Mark 3-0-0, 9 points, +5 GD
Gesamtkuntswerk (30) 2-0-1, 7 points, +8 GD
PRAYING2GOD (74) 1-1-1, 4 points, 0 GD :)
Patinhas 1-1-1, 4 points, -3 GD
Commerce Heights (15) 0-0-3, 3 points, 0 GD
One Red Dot (11) 0-1-2, 2 points, -1 GD
Costa Lot 0-2-1, 1 point, -4 GD
The Master Cooper 0-2-1, 1 point, -5 GD

The World Cup Daily
Editor's Note to Antaen and TnUI officials:

1. The article was put straight to print and not spell-checked; Mr Hinar has been told to stick to his day job at LEINN.
2. This publication is not property of Liverpool England, we have copyrighted this in The Belmore Family and print this in Kaze Progressa. The only thing about this is we only report on Liverpool England.

We hope that we have cleared things up, and we apologise for not putting the article through the spell checker. Once again, apologies to the Antaen and TnUI officials.
OOC: Post no 2000! Powerbroker!

Indigo Islands gets first World Cup Win over Rachakidia 2 – 1

A necessary home win against an opponent lower on the table was absolutely necessary to keep the slim hopes of advancing intact. The Indigo Island Red-Tailed Mollies played their best game of the young qualifying rounds so far with a complete ninety-minute effort. Rachakidia has a good match in talent with our team, however the lack of World Cup experience really let them down. To be more specific the lack of world traveling and realizing that different cultures have different attitudes. To be exact the Rachakidia team had never witnessed such a multitude and varied array of body parts that are on regular display at any Indigo Island sporting event. They had quite a bit of trouble keeping their eyes off the "red-tailed section" in which loyal fans wear body paint and nothing else to show thier support.

Almost before the Rachakidia team had settled into the game hometown hero William Swank slipped in a goal in the fifth minute. The first half continued with great style and a lot of give and take, but ended with that being the only score leaving Indigo Islanders up 1 – nil.

In the second half the Rachakidians lived up to their nation’s pride and played a superior game. The Molly’s defense was tenacious. The second Islander goal was scored in the 65th minute and will be well remembered as an excellent example of “The Beautiful Game.” The attack started after a Chester Smith save in the 60th minute, every player on the squad had a touch, with probing passes through midfield and some deep probes forcing the Rachakidia team to relinquishing a couple of corner kicks. All of the credit for the goal should belong to Midfielder Glen Everclear who marched downfield and avoided several defenders before placing a picture perfect pass to Wolf Madison who put in an easy header.

The Rachakidians could have given up at this point, but they fought bravely and got off the shnied in penalty time, but none of you at home want any more details on that.

So that is the game Indigo Islands 2 – Rachakidia 1.

We have been told by the network we need to stretch this section of the program because the unisex trampoline volleyball game is having some equipment problems.

So lets move on to the other scores in Group 1.

The Lowland Clans 1 Magnus Valerius 0
Aquilla 2 Wella 1
Nikea 1 Vozvyshennost 1

Which means the Group 1 results table is

GROUP 1 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Nikea 3 2 1 0 9 1 8 7 40
Aquilla 3 2 1 0 4 2 2 7 40
The Lowland Clans 3 1 2 0 3 2 1 5 38
Wella 3 1 1 1 5 4 1 4 37
Indigo Islands 3 1 1 1 3 4 -1 4 37
Vozvyshennost 3 0 3 0 3 3 0 3 36
Rachakidia 3 0 1 2 2 9 -7 1 34
Magnus Valerius 3 0 0 3 1 5 -4 0 33

All in all pretty much what one would expect. The Vozvyshennost side has gotten off to a very disappointing start. We are tied with another new to world cup team Wella. The odds are still stacked against us advancing, but who knows what is going to happen. That is why they play them out!

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders draw Eagles, best ever WC now

The Crusaders drew 2 ALL with The Eagles Nest in an exciting game in which both teams had chances in clinch a deserved win.

In the first half, the Eagles stunned Jeruselem with an early goal to silence the Jeruselem fans. Minutes later, Kewell skipped past an overconfident defence to put one under the Eagles keeper. Both teams battled for supremacy but were unable to score again in the first half.

Josh Adams was brought down by live-wire Jamie Jones within the penalty area in the 2nd half and the Eagles scored a penalty goal for their troubles. The Eagles seemed to soar afterwards, but their hopes of a win crashed down when former captain Becks fired in a free kick from 30 metres past the sleeping keeper to level the match in extra time.

[code:1:b6f34207ae]
GROUP 11 P W D L F A GD Pts PP
Oglethorpia 3 2 1 0 7 4 3 7 40
Spaam 3 2 0 1 5 4 1 6 39
Brazillico 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
The Eagles Nest 3 1 2 0 6 3 3 5 38
Jeruselem 3 0 3 0 4 4 0 3 36
Holy India 3 1 0 2 3 8 -5 3 36
The Weegies 3 0 1 2 3 5 -2 1 34
BSE Free Bovines 3 0 1 2 3 6 -3 1 34
[/code:1:b6f34207ae]

OOC

Server 3 - Me 0

***OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE***

To squash any rumors that are trying to be started by a here unnamed reporter. forwards Thomas Larson and Kelly Carter are not involved in a romantic relationship. They are good friends that have grown up together. Nothing more.


(OOC-Any opinions held by the author are being withheld from this story intentionally, but the author does have an idea as to where this story is leading 8) )

apologies to TnUI officials

OOC, but still in the same vain as my IC piss take.

What is you apologisin 2 me 4????????? :lol: :lol: :lol:

OOC note to Indigo Islands and Jerusalem: to allow the table to appear in the form shown in the tables thread, put [ code] and [ /code] (but without the spaces) at either end of the table.

The clatter of typewriters stereotypically filled the extremely clichéd offices of the Ianapalis Star-Tribune, IanCorp’s premier paper, as Edgar Traupman ran in waving a telegraph above his head. For one terrifying moment, the entire room worried that he would shout “stop the presses!” and not only live up to expectations, but also chuck a monkey wrench into the entire business of putting out a newspaper. Fortunately for the S-T’s street time, Traupman managed to restrain himself and instead came screeching halt in front of the sport section editor’s office.

Edgar was quite aware that every eye in the office was on him as he stood in front of the wood-and-glass door, which was (contrary to every prevailing management trend) quite closed. After a second’s hesitation, he rapped loudly. A gruff “come in,” issued from the office, and Edgar burst through.

“News from Peters!” he announced to the balding, suspender wearing man sitting behind a heavy oak desk. “Ians one, EL CID THE HERO zero!”

“Why are you shouting?” asked the editor, arching an eyebrow.

“Um...that’s what the telegraph said...EL CID THE HERO. Here, look.” Traupman handed over the telegram.

“By Patrick, you weren’t kidding. It does say EL CID THE HERO. How odd.”

“Didn’t you hear, sir? The Ians won! Alexander Truman scored again! We’re in third in the group now!”

“Capital!” exclaimed the editor. Both men laughed.

Paul JonesWelcome a BBC News Special where we are going to an Important News Conference in Parliment Square. Over to you John.

John Belmore: Yes, 'm here in Parliment Square where the Sport Secutary Geoff Belmore is ready to make an announcement on the recent allegations about the World Cup Matches being generated by a Spreadsheet instead of them being played on a field.

*Geoff Belmore enters*

GB: Ladies and Gentlemen, in light of the recent allegations made against us we have located the Daily Scandle's source. This is all we can comment on at this time on that matter. However we would like to confirm that these allegations are completely false. I am open o a few questions now.

*A reporter for The Daily Belmorian stands up*

TDB reporter: Was the Source Alan Belmore himself?

GB: No, it was not.

*The BBC reporter stands up*

JB: Was the source Dr. David Belmore?

GB: Yes, it was.

*Gasps from around the room*

GB: Thank You Ladies and gentlemen there will be another press conference tomorrow.

RL situations ripped off so far
The Today Programme's report on the Iraq Dossier
The leaking of Dr. David Kelly's name

D2R Times

D2R end winning streak with heavy loss to Dennisov

Yesterday, D2R suffered their first defeat of the World Cup to a well prepared Dennisov side. With Maeda still out from an injured leg, a defeat was going to come sooner or later, even if D2R did get to a good start, Yozora scoring in the 2nd minute with a very good solo effort. But Dennisov started to get shape and composure, getting into the rythmn of the game, and became a handfull for the Dance 2 Revolutionan defenders, giving away penalties in the 29th and 44th minutes (Dennisov converting both) The second half started cautiously with both side, staying in the middle of the park for most of the match. Dennisov's final goal was a weird goal to say the least, After Jay-Jay Step put the ball out of play so the Dennisovian Right Midfielder could recieve treatment. Dennisov kicked it back to the D2R Goalkeeper Paul Handplant, but it went over his head and into the net. Dennisov apologised to the D2R team, and let them attack to score, but the final whistle stopped this. A strange match indeed.

Final Score: Dennisov 3 - 1 Dance 2 Revolution

OOC note to Indigo Islands and Jerusalem: to allow the table to appear in the form shown in the tables thread, put [ code] and [ /code] (but without the spaces) at either end of the table.

Thanks, I wondered about [code]...

Mattigool Sports

Gools shock Giants

(Goolsund) It was the first draw ever in WC for the Gools, and it was wonderful. The big favourites from Giant Zucchini had to go home with just one point. And even this one they did not deserve. Coach Dunner's knowledge of international football eas the basis for the Gool's strength. His instructions were realized by the whole team: Johannsen organized the defense, Gamsten was the heart of the midfield, Simen Sokol's ideas were the source of many dangerous actions in front of Plaat.

The Giant's obviously were too positive after their victory against Eauz and in their minds they probably already had won the match. However, they were surprised by the hard tackling and pressing Gools. Compared to WC XI their style of play has totally changed. Dunner prefers an attacking style while Tore Rismo's was more cautious.

During the first half it was a very one sided match with attacking Gools and defending Giants. But the Giants are No 2 in the world and their defense was strong enough to keep a 0:0. Up to the 37 minute Plaat kept his goal clean but then Kristensen's long distance shot from 30 meters brought the Gools into the lead.

The Giants answered with furious and headless attacks, which caused no problems for the Gools. Until the 63rd minute. Zonk finally started a dribbling, went by Bertheussen and Johannsen and then lifted the ball over Klokset who desperately tried to save the 1:0. This was the Giant's only chance, but it speaks for them that they went home with a draw, though.

Final Score:
MATTIGOOL 1
Kristensen (39th)
GIANT ZUC0CHINI 1
Zonk (67th)

Wahrheit
The only truth

Stalag 5 snubs Northern Watestan

Headquarter Stalag 5 is still unbeaten in its first World Cup. In an exciting match they beat rathern unknown Northern Wetestan. Again Pohl and Heim scored during the first half. This time Ausbilder Schmidt used a totally different, more attacking tactic, because NW seemed to be a pretty weak team. Nevertheless Mütze could not keep his goal clean because he was beaten by Blutgrätsche's own goal in 28th minute.
But the big ones - Warnock Wizards, SN 38, Timway - still wait. Then we will see, how good our team really is.

Final Scoring:
NOTTHERN WETESTAN 1
Blutgrätsche Meier (28th, og)
STALAG_5 2
Pohl (24th)
Heim (42th)

[code:1:48f9208d8c]
GROUP 3* * * * * * *P* W* D* L* F* A* GD* Pts* PP
Warnocks Wizards* * 3* 2* 1* 0* 5* 1* *4* * 7* 40
Stalag 5* * * * * * 3* 2* 1* 0* 6* 3* *3* * 7* 40
Defari* * * * * * * 3* 2* 0* 1* 4* 3* *1* * 6* 39
Timway* * * * * * * 3* 2* 0* 1* 4* 4* *0* * 6* 39
Sacco and Vanzetti* 3* 1* 1* 1* 6* 4* *2* * 4* 37
Snub Nose 38* * * * 3* 1* 1* 1* 4* 2* *2* * 4* 37
Northern Wastestan* 3* 0* 0* 3* 3* 7* -4* * 0* 33
Hash n Beans* * * * 3* 0* 0* 3* 0* 8* -8* * 0* 33
[/code:1:48f9208d8c]