NationStates Jolt Archive

Did you qualify or do you need to play a play-off game in order to make it to the Worldcup proper?

Congratulations to the following nations for qualifying directly for World Cup 11:

Lemmitania
Eauz
Oglethorpia
NASTIC 2
Snub Nose 38
Belmorian Scandinavia
Rejistania
One Red Dot
Kaze Progressa
Ravenspire
Tanah Burung
Gesamtkuntswerk
Runaway Moose
Europa Brittania
Ariddia
East Spaam
Kingsford
Halfassedstates
Liverpool England
The Lowland Clans
Aquilla
Audioslavia
The Belmore Family
Kerla

That list tells me that you already qualified. Now if you want to try and qualify through playing playoff games you are more than welcome to trade places with me.

Basically the numbers 3 of each group have to play to find out which 4 teams still go through.
You qualified either 1st or 2nd, so you don't need to play play-off games, that's why you didn't receive a telegram.

**UPDATE**

TRAGEDY STRIKES WARRIORS

A short time ago, Information Minister John Williams announced that young Praying2God midfielder Cassie Bernall had died from her wounds suffered during the terrorist attack on the team bus yesterday afternoon. Williams also announced that two other players are in critical condition and not expected to survive. However, he did not release those names because "the families have not been reached as of this time." It has also been reported that a number of other players were wounded, and some of those wounds may be career ending. There are no leads regarding who the terrorist was. More details as they are released.

<Marker> (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2620318#2620318)

Right... Well, I haven't recieved any telegram, and the last time I checked the list of qualified teams, I was at the top of the list. Any Idea why I wasn't included in the telegram ?You qualified already. The TGs were going to the 3rd place teams in each group, who are in an elimination tournament to see which 6 of them go through, and which 6 are eliminated. When that's over, then the draw for WC11 Groups will take place, and then WC11 proper will start. TnUI posted something that indicates that ought to be somewhere around 48 to 72 hours from the time I am posting this.

or, you can just ignore this post, because Dennisov explained it quite well :wink:

*the PariMedia logo fades out as the camera aboard the PariMedia blimp, Spirit of Sokojito, turns toward the stadium in Giant Zucchini where Commerce Heights' fate in the final game of qualification is to be determined*

WC: For those of you just joining us, we're at halftime on Matchday 16, and the scoreboard reads Commerce Heights 0 @ Giant Zucchini 0. Back in National Stadium, the game ended 1-1, so the Bulldogs need another 1-1 draw or a win here to stay in the qualification picture. Otherwise - well, they'll just have to come back home for the so-called 'losers' cup'. Anyway, I'm Walter Chorion --
MO: And I'm Michael Orange. The second half of CH @ GZ is about to get started, so let's have a look at the field.
*the screen shows the starting 11 for both teams, which fades out to the start of the half*
59th minute
WC: Commerce Heights tries to steal the ball...Giant Zucchini takes a shot at the goal...1-0! Dirk Vojtilo trips over the ball!
MO: The Bulldogs now need a goal before full time to stay in the game. We'll come back to see how they do - after these messages.
*the advertisements are run, including "If you've been following the great new teams in World Cup 11, then you won't want to miss the Noble Barns Invitational Tournament! The hottest new teams, along with long-time superpower Bedistan, will play for their first international trophy! Buy your tickets today!"*
78th minute
MO: Cahalane runs down the field...passes to Quigley...Quigley takes aim at the goal...it's......SAVED! By the tips of the goalkeeper's fingertips!
89th minute
WC: The clock is down to 60 seconds...Commerce Heights takes control of the ball after a missed shot by Giant Zucchini...with 45 left, they try to get one last shot at the goal...15 seconds...Deppiesse...MISSES! Over the crossbar! With 11 seconds left, Giant Zucchini nearly seals the win!
90th minute
MO: Giant Zucchini takes control...9...8...7...6...5...Commerce Heights tries for the steal...2...1...IT'S OVER! CH eliminated for the first time since World Cup 7!
Final scores:
(19) Commerce Heights 1
(04) Giant Zucchini 1

(04) Giant Zucchini 1
(19) Commerce Heights 0

Eh, what the heck. Braz did it.


http://espn-att.starwave.com/eoe/content/ath_topstory.jpg
Kellerman: Welcome to Aroooooound the Hooooooorn! I'm your host, Max Kellerman, and with me are, from the Dallas Morning News, Kevin Blackistone!

Blackistone: How are you Max, I like the tie.

Kellerman: Good point, two points. (+2 BLACKISTONE) From the Denver Post, Woody Paige!

Paige: I don't know what he's talking about, your tie sucks! It's-- (MUTE, -1 PAIGE)

Kellerman: That's nice Woody. Who's got the buttons? Hahaha. From the Chicago Sun Times, Jay Mariotti!

Mariotti: Y-- (MUTE, -1 MARIOTTI)

Kellerman: And from the Boston Globe, Michael Holley!

Holley: It's good to be here, Max. It's good to be here. (+2 HOLLEY)

Mariotti: Why'd you mute me Max, I didn't say anyth-- (MUTE, -2 MARIOTTI)

Kellerman: For those of you who don't know how the show works, our panelists get 2 points for a good point, three points for a great point, and lose one point if I mute them. We do two elimination rounds. Whoever has the least points at the end of the first round gets knocked out. Same with the second round. Then, we erase all points, and have one final topic. Whomever of the remaining two panelists has the most points wins the show for today. Alright, lets get ready to go AROOOOOOOOOOOUND THE HOOOOOOOOOOORN!

First topic. Group 9 of World Cup Qualifying was extremely intense, coming down to the last minute, where Halfassed States came from forth place to beat Defari and automatically qualify. But the question is, will the states perform well during group stages? Kevin Blackistone.

Blackistone: Well Max Absolutely. They came and defeated group leaders Kingsford (+4 BLACKISTONE) who had only lost to long time holders Commerce Heights (+7 BLACKISTONE) and earned that spot well. Look for them to perform.

Paige: Not so fast, Blackistone, what are you talking about!? This is a team that lost to Oilermania. Oilermania! Who loses to Oilermania? (+1 PAIGE). Not only that, they took a 3-0 defeat at the hands of Defari (+3 PAIGE). As far as I can tell, their win and draw against Kingsford were a fluke. Kingsford out played them in both games (+5 PAIGE) maintaining over 75% posession (+8 PAIGE) and had a tremendous 11 Shots on goal (+11 PAIGE). Halfassedstates just had an Anti-Nazis games, except they scored (+13 PAIGE).

Kellerman: Michael Holley, what do you think.

Holley: It's not what I think, Max, it's what I know. Woody, the only team that can have an Anti-Nazis game is Anti Nazis. And they don't even play like they did! (+4 HOLLEY). Anyways, to the point at hand, Yes, yes, and yes! Halfassed states is a team that knocked Kingsford out of the round of 16! (+7 HOLLEY) There's only one other team that can claim that. Here's a team that over came a losing goal defecit (+9 HOLLEY) with a 5-1 victory! (+12 HOLLEY) Absolutely, Max, to they deserve a spot.

Mariotti: First off, it's unfair to be muted without having said anything! Ok.. now... wait, no points for that!? I just made a good poin-- (MUTE, -2 MARIOTTI)

(HORN)

Kellerman: Next Issue. Long time greats Bedistan fail to qualify. Was their group draw too tough, are they just in their complaints? Mariotti, I know you're going to start whether I ask you or not, so go ahead.

Mariotti: Thank you Max. If their group draw is too tough then every group draw is too tough. (+0 MARIOTTI) What do the top ranking nations want us to do? Are we supposed to give them a group by themselves and let the 20-50 ranked nations fight for a few spots while they ease right in? Absolutely not! (+3 MARIOTTI). Bedistan were out performed in their group, there's no question (+5 MARIOTTI). If they had gotten first, second, or even third, you wouldn't have hear Gesamtkuntswerk or Squornshelous complaining. (+7 MARIOTTI). It's happened before to all the great teams, too! Spaam, Total n Utter Insanity (+10 MARIOTTI). It will always continue to happen. And furthermore, a 4-0 pounding, despite Michael Holley's beliefs, does not mean anything unless it's against a team that could do the same to you. (+12 MARIOTTI) Creedence Clearwater? No way. These guys finished on the bottom of the table with only 9 points! (+14 MARIOTTI) And-- (MUTE, +13 MARIOTTI)

Kellerman: It's ok Jay, it's not the Elimination round yet. You don't have to keep talking and wasting airtime to get points. You know what? I'm tired of this. Go to the elimination. Kevin Blackistone, you're eliminated.

Blackistone: Well, it was a good run. A good run.

Kellerman: Join us next time on AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUND THE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!

Hey, I'm sorry about the past posts, I thought that the whole "playoffs" were meaning for teams who had qualified etc... to start playing. My mistake

BSTV - The Jack Grant Show
with (who else?) Jack Grant

Grant: Hi everybody and welcome to today's edition of the Jack Grant Show. Today we're talking football, football, football, and this is a special episode because we have not one, but TWO guests with us -- Bedistan Football Association president Jonathan Chávez and former Bedistan Lions manager Gene Barber. Jon, Gene, good to have you two here today.

Chávez: Good to be here, Jack.

Barber: Yeah.

Grant: All right, first off, I've been noticing quite a bit in the international media recently criticizing the BFA for their reaction to the Lions' WC11 qualifying run, with analysts from both Brazillico and Kingsford, especially the latter, taking potshots at the Association. Jon, what do you have to say about that?

Chávez: Well, Jack, I can see where they're coming from, but you've gotta admit they're being a bit hard on us. To be considered the sixth best team in the world and then to not even make it to the Cup? I don't think that's ever happened before.

Grant: The number six team, no, not that I recall. But surely you remember Timway in World Cup 9? Went into qualifiers ranked fifth in the world, having exited WC8 in the quarterfinals after a loss to our very squad, and then they didn't manage to qualify. Ranked #5 going in, but they didn't qualify and they ended up #41 going into WC10. This is not the first time it's happened, Jon.

Chávez: That's Timway, though. Not Bedistan. The Lions qualified for World Cups 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, AND 10, and had been ranked in the top ten for over a decade! To see this happen is an absolute travesty!

Grant: So we made it to our first six Cups. Hey, that's great. Not too many other teams have done that. But just because we got to the first six does not mean that we're automatically going to make it to every single one after that. The gravy train has to end somewhere.

Chávez: And the organizers of the Cup conspired to make sure it happened now by throwing us into a qualifying group with three other top 30 teams!

Grant: Surely you don't seriously believe that?

Chávez: Well, come on. What are the odds of something like that happening?

Grant: Better than you think, Jon. Better than you think.

Chávez: So what, are you saying the team just plain sucked this year? That's not true. There wasn't very much turnover from last time. Eight of last Cup's first team players were on the first team this time. Are you saying they magically got much worse over the last four years?

Grant: Jon, I'm not saying that at all. Because the fact is, the team did not do poorly this time around. They weren't quite as good as they were in WC10 qualifying, with only 1.79 average points per game instead of 2.19, but 7-4-3 is not a record to be ashamed of.

Barber: It is when you have three other teams doing even better...

Chávez: I have to admit, Gene's right here. Tanah Burung, Squornshelous, and Gesamtkuntswerk were consistently ahead of us all the way.

Grant: Then why the hell are you complaining about not qualifying when the other three teams proved they were better? If you'll notice, not once did the Lions defeat one of the ranked teams in qualifying. Not once. Face it, Jon, this was not their year.

Chávez: But...but...

Barber: So wait a minute, Jack. You're saying the Lions' failure to qualify wasn't my fault at all?

Grant: Not necessarily -- while I don't know if you had anything to do with it or not, I can't rule it out. You have to admit, the team was continually moving up in the Parker days, and it went into reverse with you at the helm. And really, the dramatic fall from grace between World Cups 10 and 11 is pretty much just a mirror image of the same leap upward between Cups 6 and 7.

Barber: So I'm not likely to get my job back?

Chávez: Nope.

Barber: Damn.

Grant: OK. With that point settled, we'll go to a commercial break, and when we come back we'll talk about Bedistan's future in international football, right here on the Jack Grant Show.

Oddslavo scrape by Anti-Nazis

2nd Leg Anti Nazis 1 Oddslavo 1, Aggregate 1-1, Oddslavo qualify on the away goals rule 2-1

Oddslavo suffered a mild setback earlier today when Anti Nazis took the lead in the all important second leg of the playoffs in the 88th minue, as they had drawn the first leg in Oddslavo 0-0. With luck on their side, they won a 90th-minute penalty. Vice-captain Jon Lovell stepped up, and hit the post, but was lucky that the keeper was beaten, and tucked the rebound into the opposite corner of the net.

Anti Nazis 1 (player 88)
Oddslavo 1 (Lovell 90, Lovell m/pen 90)
Aggregate Anti Nazis 1 Oddslavo 1 - Oddslavo qualify on away goals rule

NEWS JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE FOR THE WARRIORS

The Praying2God squad suffered another blow today when their whole coaching staff resigned to focus their attention completely on spiritual matters. The previously announced shake-up of the roster will still take place because the Praying2God Soccer Committee is in agreement with the coaching staff that drastic changes need to be made. It is rumored that as few as two or three players will be back on the roster for World Cup XII. Reports also state that some of the players who will not be back on the roster will be offered the coaching positions.




***UPDATE ON THE CONDITION OF THE WOUNDED PLAYERS FROM THE TERRORIST ATTACK ON THE TEAM BUS***

Now that all the wounded players' families have been notified we can release a list of who was wounded and how severe their injuries are.

Cassie Bernall-already went home to be with her Lord
Dietrich Bonhoeffer-not expected to survive
Martin Luther King Jr.-not expected to survive
Charles Wesley-wounds are career ending
John Wesley-wounds are career ending
Chuck Colson-wounds are career ending
Chuck Swindoll-wounds are career ending
John Calvin-could potentially come back
William Tyndale-could potentially come back

That's all we know for right now. We'll bring you more details as they unfold.

Spaam Miss Out On Qualifying

In a heartbreaking turn, Spaam were on their way to qualifying for the World Cup, with only 10 minutes left in their match at home against Busby. However, with 3 late goals to the Busbians, Spaam were denied, ending with a 3-5 total for the playoffs. More on this story later.

Arbour Takes a Dive

Following the elimination, Dennisov's Manager Al Arbour announced he would step down as manager of nationstatacial team.

In spite of a decent performance in the qualifying round, the team was unable to get into the main tournament. Something that is quite a new experience for the Dennisov team.

"I don't know what I'll do now, first I need some time to relax, away from this game and the media," Arbour said when asked about his future,
"I felt we had a decent team, but apparently others had an even more decent team."

"We're all gutted, I threw my boots through the dressing room, but some of my team mates absolutely wrecked the place. I just hope they haven't discovered it yet," an anonymous player whispered to his psychologist.

Dennisov lost 3-2 on aggregate and will not take part in the WorldCup.
The once proud team has fallen, fallen deep.

NEWSFLASH:

Thousands of supportors flocked to the Giant Zucchini National Stadium to root for their team in hope that they will qualify for the eleventh World Cup. Despite the roaring cheers, both teams failed to conjure up much in the first half, the closest chance coming Commerce Heights' way, McCormick breaking through the Zucchini defence before smashing a powerful ball to the top corner, Oog in turn tipping the ball just over the crossbar. Things turned around in the second half, when Phoot's soft strike in the 59th minute squirmed under onrushing Vojtilo, whose attempted clearance missed the ball completely, instead catching his foot in the soil and falling face-first into the ground. Commerce Heights continue to push for the equaliser, and almost did with notable efforts from Quigley, whose curling shot was just pushed beyond the far post by the fingertips of the leaping Oog, and Deppiesse, whose thunderbolt shot from way out dipped just a fraction too late. There was joy for the Zucchinis as the whistle blew, for they qualify for their 10th World Cup to date. Head Coach Mr Hurr, "It is certainly a relief for us. Hopefully we have turned things around and will continue to make progress in the World Cup proper. We scored a lucky goal today, and I just hope my team does enough to at least advance beyond the group stage." Some were not impressed. "This has got to be one of the poorest performances in qualifying I have ever seen. Only the World Cup 6 disaster compares with this," said a reputed Zucchini football analyst, who celebrates his 423rd birthday this month. "We need to shape up our defence, and we need more attacking spark. Only if we can regain that by the start of the Cup can we then hope for any glory this year."

This is to inform you that the Official Flag for World Cup 11 (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2625719#2625719) has now been unveiled. We welcome all of the qualifying nations to gather at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom for the draw for the Cup and the Opening Ceremony.

Globmazh the Mean
Chairman, Warnocks Wizards Football Federation

OOC: I will not be able to access a computer from now till perhaps next Wednesday because I am moving house. See you when I return. Don't penalise my RP bonuses or anything :wink: .

Oddslavo suffered a mild setback earlier today when Anti Nazis took the lead in the all important second leg of the playoffs in the 88th minue, as they had drawn the first leg in Oddslavo 0-0. With luck on their side, they won a 90th-minute penalty. Vice-captain Jon Lovell stepped up, and hit the post, but was lucky that the keeper was beaten, and tucked the rebound into the opposite corner of the net.

Anti Nazis 1 (player 88)
Oddslavo 1 (Lovell 90, Lovell m/pen 90)
Aggregate Anti Nazis 1 Oddslavo 1 - Oddslavo qualify on away goals rule

Point - if the penalty hit the post and the penalty taker scored the re-bound, it is not a goal. After the taker hits the ball, another player must touch it before he can hit it again. Otherwise its a free to the defending team :wink:
Other point - chances of two goals in the last few minutes, esp a penalty to the visitors that could knock the home team out of the competition - slim!!

Sowhatsville News back-page
Halfassed delegation depart to WW.

The HFA chairman Peter Parks and Halfassed team manager Jarvis Smith departed from Whogivesa International Airport on a private jet.
The two men will be attending the WC11 finals draw which is to take place in the Warnock Wizards capital tomorrow.
It is expected that the rest of the squad will follow them to WW to acclimitise(sp?) before the opening ceremony of WC11 a few weeks later. The squad have been given a few days off after having spent the last month at a training camp.

When asked if there were any teams he wanted to avoid in the draw, Parks said, "We have no real wish-list for the draw. All the teams that are in the finals deserve to be there. We have never played either WW or TnUI so where the team will be based is not really a factor either. I'm just happy to be in the greatest event in the world"

Smith's response was simple, "With Svecia absent, I don't really mind, most of the teams we have met we have been able to take points off apart from them! It would have been nice to have another shot at them though! I don't think we can be drawn against another team that was in our qualifying group, which means we will have to make it to the later stages before we can prove beating Kingsford was no fluke!!"

Edit - just OCC @ Kingsford - liked the post really! :wink:

OOC -
Point 1 - I think that rule was revised recently.
Point 2 - Slim chance, but possible.

Upon receiving the invitation from the Hosts of World Cup 11 to attend the Draw and Opening Ceremonies, the Minister of Athletics, Oympics and Alcoholic Beverages takes two immediate actions:

1. He spills his beer (who thought he wouldn't?)
2. He hands the invitation to Margaret - who will, as usual, make all the necessary arrangements.

Which, with her usual alacrity, flair, and thoroughness, she does.

Two days later, a charter flight leaves Sten International Airport bound for Warnocks Wizards. In fresh paint on each side of the fuselage it says,

Hooligans Bound For WC 11

We wonder if that might not cause a little problem when we land. Aboard are the Snub Nose 38 National Football side, the Hooligans, along with their management staff - Manager Ben Dover, Assistant Managers Eileen Dover and Justin Case. Also aboard is the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, accompanied by Margaret and Beverly.

Up front, occupying the First Class Section is - The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38 - accompanied only by his secretary and security staff.

We think there's someone else aboard, as well, but every time we look where we think he is, he isn't. We asked Margaret about this, she just shrugged, then looked back over her shoulder and hollered, "Jack! Jack Cass! I didn't include you on the flight manifest."

As we wing our way to Warnocks Wizards, we look out the window to our left at the clouds, and notice another jet headed in the same direction. There's something written on it - a logo, or airline name, or something. We borrow Eileen's binoculars and discover that it says.

Runaway Moose - Alces Rex

--------------------------------------------------
ooc: TnUI - Because I posted this in two threads, do I get; Bonus RP Points; RP Demerits; or smacked with a codfish for asking? :wink:

GROUP STAGE DRAW - LIVE - LEINN
Group A
Lemmitania
Busby
Aquilla
Rejistania

Group B
Ravenspire
One Red Dot
Belmorian Scandinavia
Liverpool England

Group C
Snub Nose 38
The Belmore Family
Kaze Progressa
East Spaam

Group D
Warnocks Wizards
Tanah Burung
Ariddia
New Montreal States

Group E
Oglethorpia
The Lowland Clans
Dark Outcasts
Eauz

Group F
Europa Brittania
Nastic 2
Halfassedstates
Oddslavo

Group G
Giant Zucchini
Squornshelous
Gesamtkuntswerk
Kingsford

Group H
Total_n_Utter_Insanity
Audioslavia
Runaway Moose
Kerla

GROUP STAGE DRAW - LIVE - LEINN
A list of the groups - possibly for WC11

eh - is this the official list?
how come LE's got it and posted it?

GROUP STAGE DRAW - LIVE - LEINN
A list of the groups - possibly for WC11

eh - is this the official list?
how come LE's got it and posted it?
Cos it went on on IRC.

IC:
HSMG Newsflash:
WC11 Rocked by draw fixing scandal

The football WC is in turmoil this afternoon after one of the country's participating in the 11th finals reported to have already obtained the draw for the first round of the cup.
The LE news station aired what it claimed were the finalised groups for the event which is taking place in WW and TnUI.
No officials from either host country were available for comment at the time the claim came to light, although it is expected that a press conference will be held later.
This throws further suspicion on a cup that already had problems at its outset when none of the qualifying teams rankings could be confirmed. Is there insider information being passed on to those in the know? Is the whole thing a great big fix? Hopefully more facts will come to light soon - until then we return you to your scheduled programming.






GROUP STAGE DRAW - LIVE - LEINN
A list of the groups - possibly for WC11

eh - is this the official list?
how come LE's got it and posted it?
Cos it went on on IRC.

fair enough - just surprised that it wasn't one of the hosts that published it first!

OCC: Not accusing anyone or complaining about anything, just thought it was too good an opportunity to miss!
:wink: :wink:
Off home to get dinner now - so have a fun night/day whatever it is where ya are!!

two of Audioslavia's first team, captain Lee Branson and winger Paul Ward are at Lee's flat playing 'Gran Turismo' and drinking Cheapo Burung Brew.

Lee: brumm brumm...

Paul: brrruuummmm brrummm...

Lee: we really should get a playstation to play Gran Turismo on...

Paul: yeah we should...

*The phone rings, Lee goes to answer it*

Lee: hello?

Phone: mkrmfemferfe

Lee: The draws been held? Already? whoah, so who we playing?

Phone: erjferjrejfoi

Lee: Kerla... good..... and who?

Phone: fje4rfoeo

Lee: Runaway Moose? Are they still playing? i thought they'd all emigrated?

Phone: erfjeoifefij[oefjio[

Lee: ah right.... ok.... and who else?

Phone: neTt

Lee: TnUI? AGAIN?.... yeah yeah ok... thanks mate....

*Lee puts the phone down*

Lee: Hey paul... were playing TnUI again in the world cup

Paul: sweet, does that mean we get to kick their asses again?

Lee: hmm... well.... were playing TnUI.... right....

Paul: yeah...

Lee: in their country....

Paul: ...yeah

Lee: in front of their fans

Paul: yeah, well they had to play their matches in front of our fans in WC7

Lee: no they didnt, they played all their matches in Lemmitania, they asked us... no, they ordered us not to make them play in Audioslavia... dude this is the first time any Audioslavian is going to set foot in TnUI since 'De La Rocha-Gate'

Paul: wow.... apparently you can still hear the feedback from the gig even now, even with all the fencing and barricades around the venue

Lee: RATM were really on fire that night....

Paul: well yeah, thats why Zack go so angry, his pubes kept singing

Lee: Zack De La Rocha's pubes were singing? well i suppose that explains 'Beautiful World'...

Paul: SINGING.... as in what happens when you SINGE something, i.e. it catches on fire and goes black

Lee: ohhhhhh, Singeing... i get it now

Paul: yeah... so... what do you reckon the reception will be like? The first Audioslavians in TnUI since they banned us all?

Lee: dude.... i think were gonna have to disguise ourselves as Warnockians

Paul: what, and walk about with big swords and axes and call each other 'James the Log-Grabber' and 'Tom the Yellow-Snow-Eater'

Lee: or 'Paul the Great Big Poof'

Paul: F**k you

Lee: heh... ok, so lets disguise ourselves and TnUIans then

Paul: no way, i'd rather be bottled to death than wear a tanktop with pink flares

Lee: So what do you suggest?

Paul: How about... we get in a van and drive into a big building, then we hold loads of people hostage whilst we get into their vault and steal all their money

Lee: Thats not a plan, thats the plot of 'Die Hard'

Paul: oook, how about we crash an Ice-Hockey game and kidnap som...

Lee: no dude, thats the plot of 'Overtime', which is an absoloutely shit film by the way

Paul: well you think of something then

Lee: OK, we get in a spaceship, and if an alien attacks us, we wait for everyone but one rough-looking bird to die, then we blow it out the air-lock

Paul: Thats the plot of 'Alien'

Lee: shit... OK how about we get in a spaceship, and if an alien attacks us, we wait for everyone but one rough-looking bird to die, then we blow it out the air-lock

Paul: well thats just the plot of 'Aliens'

Lee: umm... OK how about we get in a spaceship, and if an alien attacks us, we wait for everyone but one rough-looking bird to die, then we blow it out the air-lock, but not before the rough bird gets in one of those things from 'Matrix Revolutions' and says 'Get your hands off her you bitch!'

Paul: thats 'Alien 3'

Lee: hmm....

Paul: wanna go back to playing Gran Turismo?

Lee: ok

Paul: brrummmmm....

The groups analysed with Stats Progressa:

Group A
Lemmitania (1)
Busby (32)
Aquilla (21)
Rejistania (23)
MEAN RANK: 19.25; standard deviation of ranks 11.321

Group B
Ravenspire (5)
One Red Dot (20)
Belmorian Scandinavia (46)
Liverpool England (10)
MEAN RANK: 20.25; s.d. of ranks 15.817

Group C
Snub Nose 38 (3)
The Belmore Family (12)
Kaze Progressa (17)
East Spaam (38]
MEAN RANK: 17.5; s.d. of ranks 12.855

Group D
Warnocks Wizards (22)
Tanah Burung (15)
Ariddia (8]
New Montreal States (46)
MEAN RANK: 22.75; s.d. of ranks 14.307

Group E
Oglethorpia (2)
The Lowland Clans (31)
Dark Outcasts (29)
Eauz (36)
MEAN RANK: 24.5; s.d. of ranks 13.238

Group F
Europa Brittania (7)
Nastic 2 (35)
Halfassedstates (13)
Oddslavo (28]
MEAN RANK: 20.75; s.d. of ranks 11.233

Group G
Giant Zucchini (4)
Squornshelous (23)
Gesamtkuntswerk (26)
Kingsford (9)
MEAN RANK: 15.5; s.d. of ranks 9.233

Group H
Total_n_Utter_Insanity (33)
Audioslavia (11)
Runaway Moose (13)
Kerla (79)
MEAN RANK: 34; s.d. of ranks 27.368

btw: LOL @ HAS... and this...

[18:03:52] * Total_n_Utter_Insanity thinks KP is taking statw***ing to a whole new level

The groups analysed with Stats Progressa:

Group A
MEAN RANK: 19.25; standard deviation of ranks 11.321

Group B
MEAN RANK: 20.25; s.d. of ranks 15.817

Group C
MEAN RANK: 17.5; s.d. of ranks 12.855

Group D
MEAN RANK: 22.75; s.d. of ranks 14.307

Group E
MEAN RANK: 24.5; s.d. of ranks 13.238

Group F
MEAN RANK: 20.75; s.d. of ranks 11.233

Group G
MEAN RANK: 15.5; s.d. of ranks 9.233

Group H
MEAN RANK: 34; s.d. of ranks 27.368
This would mean that Group G is the "Group of Death"

In order of difficulty: G, C, A, B, F, D, E, H

Early Predictions from The Ministry of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids - who will go through, by group:
Group A: Lemmitania, and Aquilla or Rejistania
Group B: Ravenspire and Liverpool England
Group C: Snub Nose 38 and The Belmore Family or Kaze Progressa
Group D: Arridia and Tanah Burung
Group E: Oglethorpia and any one of The Lowland Clans, Dark Outcasts or Eauz
Group F: Europa Brittania and Halfassedstates
Group G: Giant Zucchini and Kingsford
Group H: Audioslavia and Runaway Moose

After the draw took place, the Orange-Blue team (players, coaches, relatives and mascots) were talking about the group they are in.

Ila Iles: Gila~e! Lemmitania, we can send them the slani 3 points now, I say!
Syku Hexen: If we play like this, yes.
Iles: What' ya mean? You slani think we have a single han-hi-len-ly chance? They won the last cup!
Hexen Imdila (coach): So what?
Iles: They are ranked slani first!
Imdila: So what? Do you think, that we should give up before the cup has started? Forfeit our matches and never sign up again? No, Ila, we won't do this!
Ila Iles blushes and keeps quiet.
Imdila: It will be a tough match, but I think we have all the chances! Remember the Arridia match in our first cup?
Laxtu Takil (co-coach): Yeah, we lost 0-1.
Su Rajin: Wasn't that because Ila became red-carded?
Iles: Just because I told this selme referree that he made a slani of a mistake! Gila~e, I remained han-hi-len-ly polite!
Takil: Oops, I ment the second match, where we won 1-0? There we had not much international experience, but we didn not give up and we scraped a 1-0 victory!
SyLy: Yeah! Never give up!
The others agree.
Inika Su (Xeseja Su's wife): Don't dare to lose against them, Xeseja's job depends on it!
The others laugh, since all know, hat he could play for a professional team, has got more than a dozen offers in his carreer but still plays for the amateur team Karela lines - just because he could never play against them. Xeseja looks a bit embarresed.
Xeseja Su: Better change the topic, Busby is next in the group.
SyLy: We draw once against them!
Lanhi Ijanhi: Draw once, lost once. ' played in both matches.
Exke Sines: I was also a starter in both matches. World Cup 9, those were the days...
SyLy: So we need to win against them, just for the record!
Inik Linkosa: laughs ...just for the record!
Rajin: Did you realize, that we are ranked higher than Busby now?
Inik Linkosa: We are?
Rajin: Yeah, we are ranked 23, they are ranked 32.
Ji Jen: Don't care 'bout rankings! It's more important how they play then what number they are in a long list!
Rajin: Well, you simply can't compare.*
Silence for a moment
Hana Kansu: while looking at the list What is this letter? I don't know who wrote this, I can't read it.
SyLy: looks at it This is a Q.
Kansu: What?
SyLy: This letter doesn't appear in rejistanian languages. The word is 'Aquilla'.
Kansu: A-ku~i-la?
SyLy: Merely like A-ki-la
Kansu: Ah. Strange name.
Imdila: They were really good in the qualifying. Defeated what needed to be defeated.
Hana Kansu: That sounds no good, it looks that the group will be very hard.
Xeseja Su: Defeated what needed to be defeated... Well, we did that too, Peter Panrchy, Lubistan, Shonar Bangla, Morawny, Lanky, Giant Zucchini...
Imdila: You are right, the group may be hard, but we have a chance to go through and we'll take it!
Iles: You can bet on it!


OOC: Before you ask: 'Selme' means 'debt' or 'to be indebted' the other rejistanian words are left untranslated for a good reason.

* a mild form of an insult: 'To compare' means often also 'to think'

Alex Dungate: Welcome to Match of The Day Live where we will pop over to the live draw in Warnocks Wizards where the head of the IFA, Ufhur the Hated & Shelob-VIII-Legs are holding the draw for the finals of World Cup 11.

*Camera Flickers to a large hall where the draw is being held*

Announcer: Please welcome the head of the IFA, Ufhur the Hated & Shelob-VIII-Legs for the draw for the 11th Football World Cup.

*Huge applauds*

Thomas Wickersham: So first out, Ufhur the Hated, bearing a strong relationship to that ugly hobbit off Lord of The Rings. Next out the rather podgy head of the IFA, looking very stern and finally a Giant Spider, Shelob-VIII-Legs. Let's hope none of the audience has Arachnophobia.

Head of the IFA: Now, to start we will reveal the seeds in each group.
In Group A, Lemmitania will take place 1,
In Group B, Ravenspire will prop up the top,
In Group C, Snub Nose 38 will take pride of place,
In Group D, Our very own Warnocks Wizards Team will reside,

*Sporadic Cheering from Crowd*

In Group E, The Oglethorpians will control proceedings,
In Group F, Former Winners Europa Britannia will take top spot for the draw,
In Group G, last time's host Giant Zucchini takes the for front,
And last but defiantly not least In Group H, hosts Total n Utter Insanity will play their games.

*Huge Cheer from the crowd*

Shelob-VIII-Legs: There will now be a 10 minute brake before the draw commences.

TW: Now Over to James Ross who is interviewing TBF manager Alan Belmore

*Camera Flicks down to front row of hall*

JR: So Alan, who would you least like to be drawn with out of the seeds?

AB: Lemmitania would be a challenge as would Giant Zucchini and Snub Nose 38, so they are the teams I really hope we avoid.

JR: Looking at the other teams who out of them do you think could be a nightmare?

AB: What I really hope to avoid are unknown teams, Ariddia, Runaway Moose and Tanah Burung,

JR: OK, enough with the negatives, who would you like to face?

AB: There is, of course, Kerla, who we would be delighted to meet as we have very recently played them, Rejistania, Kaze Progressa and Audioslavia could also be some interesting matches.

JR: Thanks Alan, we're off to a commercial break.

*Adverts play*

TW: We're back, but even more surprisingly, you are. OK, the hobbit wants to speak, so over to him...

Ufhur the Hated: So to start the draw, Group A will be decided upon. Over to you Mr. Head of the IFA.

IFA: OK, first out is....

*Puts hand in pot*

Number 18!

WCC Official: Number 32 Busby.

Ufhur the hated: The next out is.....

Number 11! Aquilla!

TW: This looks like a tense group, Busby failing in qualifying against powerful Aquilla.

IFA: OK, my turn, so here goes.....

Number 12, Qualification Masters Rejistania.

TW: What a group, both Aquilla and Rejistania.

S-8-L: Now onto group B where the top spot is being held by Ravenspire.

IFA: OK, first out is...

Number 10, last time's hosts One Red Dot

Uth: Next....

Number 22, Belmorian Scandinavia!

TW: ranked 48th in the World but not to be underestimated, they beat former winners Dennisov to second in their group. Back to the hobbit and his pig.

IFA: OK, so who is to join Belmorian Scandinavia and One Red Dot?

Number 3. Former Winners and 10th ranked Liverpool England.

*Slight Boo from the crowd.*

TW: So, the Scandinavians have been drawn, TBF still to come with Alan's bogey team Snub Nose 38 up next. Over to the Walrus.

IFA: OK, with Snub Nose 38

Number 5....

TW: Us! No! Stupid, son of a bi**h. Out of all the seeds we get the team we have a 100% loss rate to. Damn! Back to Middle Earth to see who we got...

*large Boos as it is announced that number 5 is the USSTBF (especially from the Spaamainian Quarters*

Uth: Next from the pot.....

Number 9....Kaze Progressa

*Gasps from the crowd*

TW: Wow, what a match, the team TBF has played most in her long history, what a match. Back to the pansy...

IFA: So who will join The Belmore Family and Kaze Progressa?

TW: Stop asking and just find out you overgrown Dung Beetle!

IFA: Number 21....he he he....East Spaam

*More Gasps*

TW: What a group, these will be stunning, the Progressions, Belmorians and Spaamanians all in 1 group. Stunner! Down to Comic Duo...

Uth: So, who will join us, over to you....

IFA: It's..... Number 8, the Crocks, Tanah Burung

Uth: OK next team in the group....

Number 1...Ariddia

TW: There finally leaving the cup next time. So this is the last time we will have to put up with them. (OOC: Not my real view, I am very sad to see Ariddia go.). So over for the last draw in Group D with the tooth fairy and his dominion.

IFA: It's number 23, New Montreal States.

TW: There going to have a tough time in that group, but anything can happen in sport. So, now, finally, the second half of the draw, the Hippo is waiting...

IFA: So with Oglethorpia....
Number 17... The Lowland Clans

TW: Co-host bid partner for WC12

Uth: My go, sorry, day dreaming

TW: About what though?

Uth: Next Up.....
Number 16, Dark Outcasts, Over to You IFA man.

TW: How dreadfully sad...

IFA: OK, number 20, great qualifiers Eauz.

TW: How many more to go?

IFA: Europa Britannia will be joined by
Number 16... Nastic 2. No, not Nastic as well, Nastic 2!

TW: This is getting worse by the minute... that’s great idea was it to have the Particularly Large Asthmatic Ant doing the draw? Back to the strange abomination between a horse and a rabbit.

Uth: Now 2nd person in this group is....
Number 6, ranked 13th in the world Halfassedstates

TW: Note to self, always listen in BBC meetings.

IFA: OK, next up....
Number 15... Liverpool England affiliates Oddslavo.

TW: Finally, the last two groups, then I, and our 7 drunken viewers can go home...

IFA: So, now onto see who will face last years hosts Giant Zucchini...
Its number 13, unlucky for Vozvyshenhost with Squornshenelous beating them the Play-Offs. So in group F we will have Squornshenelous.

Uth: So, my second last draw, very few balls left now.

TW: Enough about your genitalia, and on with the draw...

Uth: We draw,
Number 14, veterans Gesamkuntswerk!

IFA: To go with the triplet,
Number 2, Kingsford.

TW: OK, not much longer left, I should come out without any permanent scars. Except probably seeing Ufhur the Hated.

IFA: Now onto Group H
So, who will join our very own Total n Utter Insanity?
Number 4...*chuckles*Audioslavia

*Hall gasps*

TW: Oooh, that livens things up a bit, Audioslavia Vs Total n Utter Insanity Match day 1.

Uth: So my last draw.

TW: Let's open a bottle...

Uth: It's number 7, Runaway Moose.

IFA: So that just leaves....
Number 24, ranked 79th Kerla.

Uth: That's all my balls gone

*Faint Laughing is heard from the Belmorian commentary box*

Uth: Thanks to everyone who witnessed this draw, we'll see you at the opening ceremony tomorrow.

TW: Over to James Ross with Alan Belmore

*Camera flicks to front row of the hall*

JR: So, how does that look?

AB: It'll be some hard matches, we've never beaten Kaze Progressa outside the World Cup and we've got a 100% loss rate to Snub Nose 38 so we’ll have a few problems. We've also got our first meeting with a Spaamainian Team so it will be a tough group, but no doubt we can do it.

JR: Thanks Alan. Over to Alex Dungate in the studio...

AD: Thanks James. OK with the drawn done, the Belmorian TV companies have released the games they will be showing.

Match day 1

BBC: The Belmore Family Vs Snub Nose 38
ITV: Total n Utter Insanity Vs Audioslavia
BTV: Aquilla Vs Rejistania

Match day 2
BBC: The Belmore Family Vs Kaze Progressa
ITV: Belmorian Scandinavia Vs One Red Dot
BTV: Tanah Burung Vs Ariddia

Match day 3
BBC: The Belmore Family Vs East Spaam
ITV: Europa Britannia Vs Halfassedstates
BTV: One Red Dot Vs Liverpool England

BediStat recently performed a poll on about 150,000 Bedistani residents, asking them which teams they planned to support in the first round of the World Cup. The results were as follows:

Group A
Lemmitania - 41%
Rejistania - 33%
Busby - 21%
Aquilla - 13%

Group B
Ravenspire - 35%
One Red Dot - 29%
Belmorian Scandinavia - 20%
Liverpool England - 16%

Group C
Snub Nose 38 - 51%
Kaze Progressa - 37%
The Belmore Family - 7%
East Spaam - 5%

Group D
Tanah Burung - 29%
Warnocks Wizards - 28%
New Montreal States - 23%
Ariddia - 20%

Group E
Oglethorpia - 68%
Eauz - 19%
Dark Outcasts - 7%
The Lowland Clans - 6%

Group F
Europa Brittania - 40%
Halfassedstates - 38%
NASTIC 2 - 13%
Oddslavo - 9%

Group G
Giant Zucchini - 37%
Gesamtkuntswerk - 30%
Squornshelous - 27%
Kingsford - 6%

Group H
Runaway Moose - 35%
Audioslavia - 32%
Total n Utter Insanity - 21%
Kerla - 12%

The Bureaucratic Tribune

World Cup proper to begin
World Cup 11 first round group draw held in Warnock's Wizards

By Bill Christmas

WARNOCK'S WIZARDS (BT) -- All starting eleven members of the Wonderteam were present in Warnock's Wizards to witness the live draw of the World Cup 11 first round groups -- as the nations of Total n Utter Insanity and Warnock's Wizards gear up for the start of the World Cup proper. Oglethorpia finds itself in group E, alongside fellow Emerald Heights neighbor and League of Emerald Heights Association Football [LEAF] member Eauz, as well as Dark Outcasts and the Lowland Clans, the former having been met in qualifying.

The Bureaucratic Tribune's group E breakdown looks like this.

EAUZ is the lowest seeded team in group E, ranked 36th. Oglethorpia has faced Eauz in World Cup 6 qualifying, hosted by Kingsford -- maintaining a 2-0-0 record against the national side with a GD of +4. Both Kingsford and Eauz are neighboring countries in the region of the Emerald Heights, of which Oglethorpia is obviously a part of.

THE LOWLAND CLANS is the second lowest seeded team ranked 31st in the world -- the Wonderteam having defeated the Lowland Clans once before in the first round of World Cup 8, hosted by Bedistan and Oglethorpia. That gives the Wonderteam a 1-0-0 record against The Lowland Clans.

DARK OUTCASTS stands as the second highest seeded team in group E, second to Oglethorpia with a ranking of 29th in the world. The Wonderteam has faced Dark Outcasts as soon as the current Cup -- World Cup 11 qualifying, to be exact. Against Dark Outcasts, Oglethorpia maintains a 1-1-0 record, a nil-nil draw and the second time around, a 2-nil victory.

The fact sheet stacks up like this.

[code:1:4d8568f5e7]
OGLETHORPIA
Oglethorpia is the highest seeded side in group E.
Oglethorpia has a 4-1-0 record against all the sides in group E in prior meetings between the sides.

GROUP E
According to the Snub Nose 38 Ministry of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids (MOSOTUIBA) group E is the second easiest group in World Cup 11 based on mean rank.

According to polls taken by the experts at BediStat, group E qualifying predictions look like this:

Group E
Oglethorpia - 68%
Eauz - 19%
Dark Outcasts - 7%
The Lowland Clans - 6%

[/code:1:4d8568f5e7]

"You can look at the statistics six ways to Sunday," says coach Picciotto, "and I won't deny that they seem to be highly in our favor. But really, anything can happen out on the pitch, and we're going to try our hardest to get things to go our way -- with the wins and the point earnings and so on and so forth."

"Coach's right," said striker Torrence Black. "We are top-seeded, and favored by more than a few of them newfangled thingies that release all the statistamics, but we still gotta play a good game of football no matter what they may say. That's how we're going to attack our three first round matchdays -- each one as important, and reliant upon our skill despite what the numbers are telling us."

---

Fuschia: "I'm in the money"
Wonderteam financial manager is 'in the money'

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Financial reports obtained by intrepid Bureaucratic Tribune reporters, writers, analysts and freelance statisticians after hours upon hours of form-filing, form-searching and form-refiling have shown that Oglethorpian Wonderteam Financial Manager Mike Fuschia's made some pretty big purchases in the past few weeks -- namely a 2,000,000 million Amazing Credits purchase of an Amalgamated Motors Narwhal 3000 sports car.

Among the sports car are an assorted amount of other purchases -- a whole new outfit of clothes for the former Parliament-bureaucrat and now Wonderteam Financial Manager, a new home in beautiful coastal Sheffingham in North Oglethorpia and all kinds of assets in affluent charities and Oglethorpian companies.

When asked where Mr. Mike Fuschia got all the money to make such large purchases in such a short amount of time, Fuschia asserted that "I uh, won the Widespread Nationwide Lottery."

More hours of form-filing, form-searching and form-refiling uncovered that Mr. Mike Fuschia did not, in fact, win the Widespread Nationwide Lottery -- in fact, no one did, the accumulated prize total of 256 million Amazing Credits rolling over another month, more money to accumulate for Oglethorpians to buy tickets for in hopes of winning it.

With the story of winning the lottery ruled out, we attempted to contact Mr. Fuschia to attempt and learn the real origin of his newfound wealth -- Mike Fuschia could not be reached for further comment.

Should we ever uncover the real source of Mike Fuschia's new fortune, we'll break the story as fast as possible -- a certain amount of delay time, what with the entire processes of printing and distribution.

"I dunno," said team captain Fernando Green. "I'm glad for Mike [Fuschia.] I don't know how he got all that money either -- maybe he did really win the lottery. At least, in some other country. Alls I know is, one time, a few days ago I think, I saw him coming out of the Association of Futebol/Football Office Complex with his hands full of cash -- and his pockets stuffed with Amazing Credits too. Anyways, I sure hope he spents it wisely. He's a good guy -- wouldn't want anyone trying to con him or anything."

---

ESE: Same old, same old
[i]FD&FAA&F continues to keep public safe through mass mad evisceratomato burnings

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Mad evisceratomato has all but fallen out of the news completely -- stories now shorter than they've ever been since the story first broke two months ago. The Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation has continued to keep the public safe throughout the crisis by implementing controls to keep mad evisceratomato off store shelves, the most important measure being the burnings of mad evisceratomatoes on islands off the Eastern coast of Oglethorpia.

"The public doesn't care about mad evisceratomato anymore," said FD&FAA&F Director Mike Stumbles. "That means we're doing a good job -- we're nearly done burning all the marked, contaminated mad evisceratomato -- and none of it's reached the store shelves. The FD&FAA&F has done a superb job handling this crisis."

---

[OOC: Days later.]

Mad evisceratomato in the store shelves!
Mad evisceratomato discovered in a west Megalopolis City Consolidated FoodMart store

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Meet Olivia Brown -- mother of two ravanously hungry Oglethorpian children, whose flavor of the week is [and has been] evisceratomato. Like any good mother, Mrs. Brown aims to please -- and has fed them evisceratomato for the past two weeks.

"I'm a good mother," asserts the woman of 45. "I feed them what they want. I think evisceratomato is safe -- after all, I trust the FD&FAA&F."

Strolling through her neighborhood Consolidated FoodMart in west Megalopolis City, however, Mrs. Brown is shocked by what she finds.

Looking at the produce department, and the huge pile of mad evisceratomato in the center -- she clearly sees something is wrong.

She doesn't know what, but in a minute it hits her.

"THE EVISCERATOMATO! IT'S GREEN!!! IT'S GREEN!!! THE EVISCERATOMATOES ARE MAAD! MAAAD!" screamed an outraged and completely frightened Mrs. Brown -- throwing the entire Consolidated FoodMart into chaos.

Such chaos, in fact, a contingency of hippies were nearly trampled to death -- later, the two-dozen hippies all reported to be in stable condition after the miniature riot that took place in the Consolidated FoodMart caused by the discovery of the mad evisceratomatoes. The catastrophe was finally brought under control when Widespread Nationwide Police sedated those in the store and brought them out for interviewing.

"Something happened," said Mike Stumbles of the FD&FAA&F. "We've always had checks to make sure mad evisceratomato never ended up in the stores -- and somehow it did. I assure you, we're making sure to track down all evisceratomato that might have been bought from that store, and increasing our resolve in tracking down mad evisceratomato."

can someone explain to my why in my group, the 4th ranked and the 9th ranked are in the same group, yet in Group E the ranking jumps from 2 to 29? I don't quite understand how the draw works.

World Cup Schedule for Eauz

All Games will be played in the Country of Total n Utter Insanity

Match Day 1
Dark Outcasts vs Eauz

Match Day 2
Oglethorpia vs Eauz

Match Day 3
The Lowland Clans vs Eauz

This league is pretty well matched among the 4 teams, with the expected leader of the group, Oglethorpia. If Eauz is going to win any games in this match, they must win against Oglethorpia. Many predictions are expecting Eauz to finish 2nd place, which is quite possible.

OOC - Not really sure, I think they just drew the teams.
IC - LEINN/SPORToday poll in Liverpool England

QN: Which team do you support in Round 1?

Group A
Lemmitania - 41%
Rejistania - 43%
Busby - 1%
Aquilla - 13%
None - 2%

Group B
Ravenspire - 35%
One Red Dot - 19%
Belmorian Scandinavia - 10%
Liverpool England - 35%
None - 1%

Group C
Snub Nose 38 - 71%
Kaze Progressa - 17%
The Belmore Family - 5%
East Spaam - 7%
None - 0%

Group D
Tanah Burung - 39%
Warnocks Wizards - 28%
New Montreal States - 13%
Ariddia - 20%
None - 0%

Group E
Oglethorpia - 78%
Eauz - 9%
Dark Outcasts - 7%
The Lowland Clans - 6%
None - 0%

Group F
Europa Brittania - 30%
Halfassedstates - 28%
NASTIC 2 - 23%
Oddslavo - 19%

Group G
Giant Zucchini - 57%
Gesamtkuntswerk - 30%
Squornshelous - 7%
Kingsford - 6%
None - 0%

Group H
Runaway Moose - 45%
Audioslavia - 32%
Total n Utter Insanity - 21%
Kerla - 2%
None - 0%

can someone explain to my why in my group, the 4th ranked and the 9th ranked are in the same group, yet in Group E the ranking jumps from 2 to 29? I don't quite understand how the draw works.

OOC: The top six ranked teams and the hosts were seeded. The rest of the nations were chosen randomly.

Kansu: A-ku~i-la?
SyLy: Merely like A-ki-la


Is that some sort of Rejistanian swear word?

Group A
Lemmitania - 41%
Rejistania - 33%
Busby - 21%
Aquilla - 13%

Naturally, you are biased. Now Aquillans, they're a lot more sensible, here's how a poll showed taken from 148,712 Aquillan citizens.

Aquilla - 100%
Lemmitania - 0%
Busby - 0%
Rejistania - 0%

Originally there were 150,000 polled, we had to 'take care' of the ones who thought we wouldn't win.

[b]Bureaucratic States News at 9

[We interrupt your regularly scheduled broadcast to bring you an important press conference from the Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation Office Complex.]

FD&FAA&F Director Mike Stumbles sits behind a fine mahogany desk, a sea of reporters before him at the ready to let fly a barrage of difficult questions concerning the latest development in mad evisceratomato. Not only is he surrounded by tens of hundreds of reporters, but an inordinately large amount of photographers and videographers flashing him the eyes with pictures every other second.

MIKE STUMBLES:
Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, I understand you're all here to help the Oglethorpian citizens sitting in their homes make some sense of the mad evisceratomato crisis as it stands -- they need clarification more than ever with the latest developement.

Stumbles pauses -- but doesn't stumble -- straightens his tie, and dives right back into the press release.

STUMBLES:
The first order of business is the so-called discovery of 'mad evisceratomatoes' in the Consolidated FoodMart in west Megalopolis City. We will clear up this little issue before the night is out, if that's how long it takes. BRING IN THE MAD EVISCERATOMATOES.

A hushed silence rushes across the room of reporters as a man in a hazmat suit brings out a tupperware box with a 'mad evisceratomato' inside it -- the mad evisceratomato in question, which the FD&FAA&F claims isn't really mad at all.

The man in the hazmat suit is shot dirty looks by the press members -- he's the only one protected from the mad evisceratomato, everyone else in suits and ties. A silly, unnecessary measure -- of course, they are in the Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia.

With the man in the hazmat suit gone, Mike Stumbles picks up where he left off.

STUMBLES:
To prove to you that evisceratomatoes are safe, I will proceed to eat the so claimed mad evisceratomato. Here is the story, members of the press. In the interest of playing the ultimate prank and having a good laugh, some Oglethorpian boys from the local neighborhood gang decided to come into the FoodMart and spray paint the perfectly good and healthy ripe, red evisceratomatoes a sickly green looking color -- leaving before store managers and bagboys could apprehend the little shits.

Please, excuse my language.

Anyways, Mrs. Olivia Brown discovered them -- and with the fear of mad evisceratomato floating around, believed them to be mad -- not once thinking that it might be a prank.

And so ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to where we are now -- before me sits a perfectly good evisceratomato, the scare caused by Oglethorpian youth trying to play a prank on the rest of us.

Stumbles procures a fork and digs into the evisceratomato, holding the green-colored chunk before the members of the press, flashbulbs still firing off like machine gun fire. He places the large chunk in his mouth, Mike Stumbles obviously an expert at shoving an inordinate amount of food into his mouth at one time and being able to swallow it with little to no trouble.

STUMBLES:
See? Perfectly goo- aahhhgggghhhh!

Stumbles hands fly to his throat, as the portly man falls back in his chair, the fallen FD&FAA&F Director exerting an array of choking and struggling sounds, which finally stop after several minutes.

FD&FAA&F officials later confirm the worst -- that Mike Stumbles is dead, apparently from eating 'mad evisceratomato' that was not claimed to be mad at all, but the result of pranksters.

Whom the joke is on, we do not know -- but it appears Mike Stumbles' attempts to reassure the Oglethorpian public have failed miserably with his death on live TV brought to you by the Bureaucratic Broadcasting Network.

[We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.]

This is to inform you that Groups and Schedules have now been posted on the scores/tables thread. Of particular interest to those nations drawn to play in the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards, Venue Information and Schedules (http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2627750#2627750) have also now been posted.

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards

P.S. The Opening Ceremony for the Cup will be held tomorrow at Fortress Warnock, all nations are invited and encouraged to attend.

<OOC>This is the belated first-half commentary describing the Lemmitania-Busby qualifying match. The intro may be found at http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2598187. The second half will follow either sooner or later, but either way will be of critical importance to whichever one of you is following Lemmy Atom’s exploits with baited breath. Lemmy Atom, you ask? Yes, Lemmy Atom.</OOC>

Returning you to Lemco City where the thirteenth qualifying match of the World Cup is about to begin, this is Clem Gilson with Lana Maelstrom, Lemmy “Atom” Meisterbrau, and Octavarion Maleficus. With Buzz Billabong at midfield for visiting Busby, I’ll turn it over to Lemmy to call the kickoff.

Lemmy: ...

Lana: Heh.

Maleficus: I do not believe that edible Lemmy is aware of the task you have set him, Dean Clem.

Clem: No, me neither. That was sort of a joke.

Lana: Billabong passes to Bubba McBuss at right wing, an’ we’re under way. The starters for Busby are Billabong, McBuss, an’ Baxter “Beesting” Babcock at striker; in the midfield, Belle Biergarten, Burton Ballfield, Bubbles “Buncha” Bundt, an’ Wes McBubbacutty; the defenders, Boostles Boogranger, Boobaloo Bobbaloo, an’ Bojangles Jangaboo; an’ ‘keeper Buster Boobaba, ‘oom we met at the cointoss. For the Lemmings, a few changes from the lineup we’ve been seein’ throughout the qualifyin’ matches. The strikers as usual are Trixotica Lemsmith an’ Willette Lemjones. At midfield, we’ve got Darla “the Sub-’uman” Lydon, Clarissa “Kickles” Kiklem, ‘orace ‘enneman, an’ gettin’ ‘er firs’ start this go-round, Lambroche “the Lamb” Lambwhacker. Lambwhacker’s a vet of the championship squad, startin’ in place of Wallace Lemmye tonight. The defenders are gonna be Pru Lemminuning, Mick Jaegermeisterbrau, Adam LaMadam, an’ gettin’ ‘is first start in international play, Rick Chang. Innerestin’ to note that with ‘enneman an’ Chang playin’, we’re seein’ the second generation of Lemmitanian football on the pitch. Many of our listeners will recall Rick’s dad Mick, ‘oo captained the World Cup Four squad many years ago, an’ of course, ‘orace’s dad ‘enny is offensive coach for the current squad.

Clem: And the Lemmings’ all-time leading scorer in international play. Busby’s controlling the ball at the moment, Billabong and company testing out the Lemming defense.

Lana: ‘ey Maleficus, wot about if you call the action for a bit? Seein’ as Lemmy ain’t prolly up to the task.

Maleficus: Certainly, edible Lana.

Lana: Please don’t call me that.

Maleficus: Edible Busbiders are passing the ball amongst themselves, while orange-clad Human Lemmings attempt to tackle with their meagre alotment of legs. For unknown reasons, most of the players insist upon using only two of their legs to run, making them gangly and overbalanced. They exhibit ball control that is at best mediocre.

Clem: Looks fine to me.

Maleficus: You lack eyes as well as legs, so it is not surprising that your vision would be impeded.

Clem: Whatever.

Maleficus: Look: the ball is rarely passed between three players before a member of the opposing side gets a foot on it.

Clem: So what? That’s football for you.

Maleficus: What passes for ‘possession’ in puny human football would be considered unacceptable in Dire Arachnia.

Clem: So you Giant Spiders manage to pass it flawlessly around the opposition, do you?

Maleficus: Indeed.

Clem: Must be a very different game.

Maleficus: Keeping in mind that there are four times as many feet on the field...

Clem: Yeah, I guess that would make a difference. But doesn’t it make tackling all the easier?

Maleficus: You would have to have eight legs to understand.

Clem: I suppose.

Maleficus: Puny edible Busbinaut McBuss has attempted an ill-advised shot on goal in heavy coverage, intercepted easily by two-legged Lemming defender Chang. Chang attempts to dribble upfield but is hampered by having to use all of his feet for both running and ball control at the same time. Somehow he manages to move several yards without falling flat on his Human Lemming face, before passing awkwardly to Lemming Lambwhacker. These reserve players have the advantage of fresh leg-joints, at any rate.

Clem: Going back once again to your insane theory that the Lemmings’ difficulties in qualifying play have been due to our old apocryphal friend, Knee-Joint Breakdown.

Lana: It ain’t an insane theory, Clem. KJB’s been aroun’ for years.

Clem: It’s been discredited for years.

Lana: No it ‘asn’t!

Maleficus: Lambwhacker having passed to Kiklem, the inadequate Lemmings have improbably moved the ball towards the puny Busbeany goal. It pains me to watch their pathetic movements about the field.

Clem: What’s wrong with their movements, exactly?

Maleficus: They look like half their limbs have been torn off! In some hideous footballing accident, no doubt.

Lana: You prolly wouldn’t ‘ave an easy time adjusting to wot Giant Evil Spider football looks like, either, Clem. I imagine thet to Maleficus, ‘umans playin’ football would look pretty freaky.

Maleficus: Indeed. It is unnatural.

Clem: Humans invented football! This is what the game is supposed to look like!

Maleficus: Humans invented human football. Dire Arachnids invented Giant Evil Spider football. And do not be a specieist, Dubious Clem.

Clem: I’m not saying that spiders shouldn’t play it. Anyway, if anyone’s being ‘specieist,’ it’s you, saying that human football is unnatural.

Maleficus: Look at it this way, Dean Dubious. How would you feel about seeing cows play football?

Clem: I have seen cows play football. In the World Cup.

Maleficus: Do not be ridiculous.

Clem: Hell’s Bovines. World Cups eight and nine. Kicked Gilmeecia’s ass in their first-ever international match, as I remember.

Lana: Yeh, that was a crazy one.

Maleficus: Did you not consider football-playing cows unnatural?

Clem: Well, maybe a little.

Lana: For one thing, they wore those robes. ‘indered their play.

Maleficus: You see, it is not in keeping with the natural order of things to observe your foodstuffs participating in competitive sports.

Clem: All right now, I’ve had about enough of you refering to humans as food.

Maleficus: My apologies. I do not mean to imply that I would actually eat you.

Clem: It’s ‘edible Lemmy’ this and ‘edible Lana’ that and ‘puny edible Lemmings,’ and calling the players ‘foodstuffs...’ It’s just sick, and it’s freaking me out, if you want to know the truth.

Lana: It’s freakin’ me out too, Clem, but I don’t know as I’d say it’s sick. ‘e’s a Giant Evil Spider, after all. ‘umans is wot ‘e eats.

Maleficus: I do not devour puny humans except on very special occasions.

Clem: No? You a vegetarian or something?

Maleficus: A vegetarian? Meaning a sentient vegetable?

Clem: A vegetarian is someone who doesn’t eat animals. No meat.

Maleficus: What else would one devour?

Clem: Vegetables. As the word implies.

Maleficus: Ohhh... I see. What a disgusting concept. A vegetarian eats vegetables, yes. It would never have occurred to me that such a thing was possible.

Clem: So why is it you don’t eat humans, then?

Maleficus: I try to respect the social mores of my hosts. It is my understanding that eating puny humans is frowned upon in Lemmitania.

Clem: Yes, you could say that.

Lana: But eatin’ lemmings is ‘ighly encouraged.

Maleficus: Are lemmings not also your currency?

Lana: Yeh, but to be fair, th’economy’s in the crapper.

Clem: At least it’s not imploded anymore.

Lana: True, true.

Clem: I remember when it cost a hundred seventy-five lemings to get a six of triple-B. Now it’s only twenty.

Lana: Makes you feel kinda rich, don’t it?

Clem: I am kinda rich. Thanks to a certain athletic shoe endorsement.

Lana: I gotta get me some of that endorsement action.

Maleficus: Endorsing shoes is an oppressive act.

Clem: No doubt.

Lana: ‘ow d’you figure?

Maleficus: Forcing shoes on an unsuspecting populace is oppressive.

Lana: ‘oo’s bein’ forced to wear shoes?

Maleficus: Giant Evil Spiders.

Clem: And who, exactly, is forcing Giant Evil Spiders to wear shoes?

Maleficus: Nike.

Clem: Ah. Well, in a sense, that doesn’t surprise me.

Lana: Where there’s a profit, there’s a way.

Maleficus: Giant Evil Spiders do not need shoes!

Clem: Who ever said they do?

Maleficus: The Nike Marketing Directorate.

Clem: What are they, sending squads of commandos to shoe the spiders?

Maleficus: Yes.

Clem: Huh. Well, I guess that doesn’t really surprise me, either.

Maleficus: And then the unfortunate victims, shod against their will, are sent bills. Failure to pay results in a black mark on their credit report.

Clem: Those bastards at Nike are hardcore.

Maleficus: Indeed. One day, when their back is turned...

Lana: Yeh? One day when their back is turned wot?

Maleficus: We will get them.

Clem: If it makes you feel any better, ‘Deans’ are Lemdidas, not Nike.

Maleficus: What are ‘Deans,’ Dean Clem?

Clem: The athletic shoe I make a bundle of money endorsing.

Maleficus: Well, I am not aware of the Lemdidas Company oppressing any spiders, so for the moment, I will take no action against you.

Clem: Oh. Thanks.

Maleficus: The Puny Edible Lemmings have been pressuring the Busbider defense for the past several minutes, showing the strength of their attack. They have surrendered the ball surprisingly few times, considering that they have no legs with which to control it.

Clem: They each have two legs!

Maleficus: Both of which are already in use, as I said, for running. I have had an interesting idea, puny human coworkers. Would it not be refreshing if, instead of kicking the ball with their overtaxed legs, the human footballers controlled the ball with their underdeveloped, and at present unused, upper appendages?

Clem: Their arms, you mean?

Maleficus: Yes, the useless upper legs.

Clem: So you’re suggesting that the players be allowed to carry the ball in their arms.

Maleficus: That is right.

Clem: You know what else would be good? If they could toss it to each other.

Maleficus: Through the air, you mean?

Clem: Well, since they’d be carrying it with their upper appendages, yeah, sure. They could toss it to each other and catch it.

Maleficus: How novel! Yes, that would be quite interesting.

Clem: Here’s an idea. What if, instead of trying to knock the ball away from an opponent, you were allowed to actually try and knock him down? Since it’d be hard to knock the ball out of someone’s arms.

Maleficus: That would certainly add an element of excitement to the game.

Clem: And instead of starting play with a kickoff, you’d start with all the players for each side bending over and locking arms around one anothers’ midsections, then dropping the ball in between the two sides and letting them fight it out for possession.

Maleficus: What a deviously pointless way to begin play.

Clem: Exciting, though.

Maleficus: Undoubtedly. If only such a sport existed.

Clem: If only.

Lemmy: Hey, it’s Grant Rockson!

Clem: Well, well. Folks, Grant and Optimus Rockson have just joined us in the booth. June, could you get headsets for our guests?

Lana: Welcome, gents.

Grant: Thanks.

Optimus: My last name isn’t Rockson.

Clem: No? What is it?

Grant: Classified.

Clem: Optimus Classified? That’s quite a mouthful.

Optimus: My last name isn’t ‘Classified.’ Don’t be a doofus.

Grant: Hey! Wot’d I tell you about mouthing off to your elders?

Optimus: You said you’d tell mom.

Grant: Yeh. That’s right. And don’t you forget it.

Clem: Kid’s afraid of mom, is he?

Grant: Wull, if you knew ‘oo ‘is mom is...

Clem: So? Who is she?

Grant: Did any of you loverly people notice there’s the most hideously gigantic spider separated from the booth by the slimmest of glass partitions?

Maleficus: Greetings, Grant Rockson. I am Octavarion Maleficus, five-time Most Valuable Player of the Dire Arachnia Domestic Football League.

Grant: Holy Bejeezus! It talks!

Optimus: Coooooool!

Clem: Haven’t been listening to the broadcasts much this Cup, have you?

Grant: Wot exac’ly is a gigantic talkin’ spider doin’ in the booth? And don’t it freak you out?

Maleficus: I am a guest commentator with the Lemmitanian Radio Network.

Grant: A football commentator?

Maleficus: What other kind of commentator would I be?

Grant: So you’re a gigantic spider wot knows about football, are you?

Maleficus: I am a Giant Evil Spider who, as I may have mentioned, was five-time Most Valuable Player in the Dire Arachnia Domestic Football League.

Optimus: This is so cool.

Maleficus: I am pleased to note that your spawn is properly appreciative of my renown, Grant Rockson.

Grant: I think ‘e’s jus’ impressed thet you can talk.

Optimus: Dad, did you know there are Giant Talking Spiders?

Maleficus: Giant Evil Spiders.

Grant: Giant Evil Talking Spiders, they’re called, son.

Optimus: Can we get one?

Grant: I dunno. Where’d you get this one, Clem?

Clem: I didn’t get him. He just showed up.

Grant: Wot, on your doorstep?

Clem: In the booth! Right where you see him.

Grant: Wull, that’s a neat trick.

Maleficus: It was not a trick. I was hired by LRN.

Grant: When they found you in’abitin’ the booth, you mean?

Maleficus: No, I was hired to be a commentator and so LRN arranged to have a section of the booth for me to occupy.

Grant: Wull, wull. Leave it to LRN.

Clem: That’s what I always say.

Grant: So the commentatin’ crew includes Lemmy Atom an’ a Giant Evil Talking Spider, eh? That’s ‘oo they got to replace me?

Clem: In a nutshell.

Grant: An’ they think this is better than ‘avin’ Glick Masterson, eh?

Lana: Lemmy an’ Maleficus work for a bit less money than Glick was askin’.

Maleficus: I receive a Giant Evil paycheck for my services.

Lana: Is it the amount that’s giant, or the check itself?

Maleficus: The check itself.

Clem: We’ve come a long way from the days of Shemp Wooley and Gil Lemson.

Grant: Speakin’ of good ol’ Gil, did I mention I’m thinkin’ of ‘avin’ me name changed?

Clem: To what?

Grant: Gil Lemson, of course!

Lana: Wot!? Why?

Grant: Oh, no reason.

Optimus: He said it’s ‘cause he thinks it’ll help him sue to win the title “Dean of Lemmitanian sports” from the bastard who stole it from Gil.

Clem: Meaning me.

Grant: No! No, no, no.

Clem: I’m the Dean of Lemmitanian sports, now.

Grant: Wull, yeh...

Clem: So you’re going to sue me to try and get the title back?

Grant: Of course not!

Optimus: Mom says it’ll all end in tears.

Grant: Oh, she’s always sayin’ things like that.

Clem: What advantage do you think you’ll get out of changing your name back to Gil Lemson?

Lana: Not back to Gil Lemson. ‘is name ain’t never been Gil Lemson before.

Clem: Oh, yeah. But the question remains: What advantage do you think you’ll get?

Grant: Wull, I figure if I go before the trademark board an’ point out thet I’m Gil Lemson an’ you ain’t, an thet Gil ‘ad the trademark on the title long before you came along, they’ll prolly see the light an’ ‘and the title over to me.

Clem: You don’t think they’ll know that you just changed your name as a ploy to trick them?

Grant: Of course not. ‘ow would they know that?

Clem: For one thing, you’re talking about it on live national radio.

Lana: International.

Grant: Oops.

Clem: And for another, Gil being dead-- right?

Grant: Right, right. Gil’s dead.

Clem: Gil being dead, it might occur to the trademark board that you’re not him!

Grant: You think they know ‘e’s dead?

Clem: It was the grounds upon which they gave the title to me!

Grant: Oh, was it?

Clem: Yes.

Grant: Wull, I’ll just tell ‘em I’m ‘im. An’ that I never died.

Clem: You’ll just tell the trademark board that you’re Gil Lemson. And that you never died.

Grant: Right.

Clem: And that you had your name changed to Grant Rockson... why, exactly?

Grant: For a change of pace.

Clem: But of course, that’s not actually true at all.

Grant: Of course not.

Clem: But they’ll buy it.

Grant: Why wouldn’t they?

Clem: So you’re going to go before the trademark board, having changed your name to Gil Lemson, and tell them that you’re really the Gil Lemson, having changed your name to Grant Rockson sixteen years ago, and that the title Dean of sports should still reside with you, because you never actually died.

Grant: ...yes. Ain’t that wot I jus’ said?

Clem: And this sounds like a good idea to you?

Grant: Why not?

Lana: ‘ave you thot through the implications, Grant?

Grant: Of course I ‘ave. The primary one bein’ that I’ll get the title back.

Clem: Not ‘back.’ Since you never had it before.

Grant: Oh yeah, right.

Clem: So you’re planning to perpetrate a fraud by going before the trademark board and claiming to be Gil Lemson.

Grant: No! Of course not! There ain’t no fraud involved.

Clem: Because you really are Gil Lemson.

Grant: No! No, no, no!

Clem: But there’s no fraud involved.

Grant: No. Wot fraud would there be?

Clem: The fraud of you claiming to be Gil Lemson when you’re not!

Grant: Is that fraud?

Clem: Of course!

Grant: Wull, anyroad, it ain’t gonna be fraud, ‘cause I’m gonna be Gil Lemson!

Clem: Aha! So you finally admit the truth!

Grant: Wot truth?

Clem: That you’re Gil Lemson and you never actually died!

Grant: Wull, that’s wot I’m gonna tell the trademark board, yeah.

Clem: You just said that it won’t be fraud because you really are Gil Lemson!

Grant: No, I jus’ said it won’t be fraud ‘cause I’m gonna be Gil Lemson. After I get me name changed.

Clem: So you think you can get away with lying to the trademark board, telling them that you’re Gil Lemson, and have been all along-- you think they’re going to hand the title over to you, and you can just take up Gil’s life where it left off sixteen years ago? Is that it?

Grant: More or less. ‘cept I’m a daddy now.

Clem: Have you forgotten how much trouble Gil was in before his ‘death?’

Grant: You know there’s a funny thing about that. Seems the BBBS an’ IKJBF ‘avin’ been dissolved over fifteen years ago, under Lemmitanian law, charges can no longer be pressed against any party for ‘avin’ any involvement in either organization. Not that Gil was ever associated in any way with the BBBS, or ever did anythin’ illegal, under’anded, or in any way immoral while associated with the IKJBF. But I’m just sayin’. Me advocates tell me thet now would be an ideal time to be Gil Lemson, if only the poor fellow wasn’t dead no more.

Clem: ...I see.

Lana: Huh. So Gil’s in the clear again?

Grant: Yep. If me advocates are to be believed.

Clem: And you’re planning to be him.

Grant: In a nutshell. Oo! Speakin’ of Gil, I’d better be gettin’ down to the pitch. The big ‘alftime festivities are gonna be startin’ up pretty soon, an’ I’m emceein’, you know.

Clem: Of course we know. We’re participating.

Grant: It’s the Lemco City Gil Lemson Memorial Kickathon. Featurin’ twenny-two of the brightest up-an’-comin’ young sportscasters in Lemco City facin’ off for a chance to win the annual Gil Lemson Memorial Kickathon Scholarship to the school of their choice.

Clem: Yeah, we know all about it. Lana and I are judges at the event.

Grant: I wasn’t tellin’ you, Clem, I was edifyin’ our listeners.

Clem: Our listeners have been hearing the ads on LRN for the past three weeks nonstop. If anyone in Lemmitania doesn’t know about the Kickathon, they must be living under rocks.

Grant: Wull, wherever they might be livin’, ‘opefully they’ll be listenin’.

Lana: By the by Grant, ‘ow come it’s called a Kickathon? There ain’t any kickin’ involved, is there?

Grant: Of course there’s kickin’ involved! ‘ow could you ‘ave football without kickin’?

Lana: Wot kickin’ is there, then?

Grant: The kickin’ of the football.

Lana: In the Kickathon?

Grant: Wull, in the Kickathon we mostly get introduced to the City’s best up-an’-comin’ sportscasters. They’re not really athletes.

Lana: So no kickin’.

Grant: Not in the Kickathon. Not per se.

Lana: So ‘ow come it’s called a Kickathon?

Grant: ‘Cause that’s wot it is!

Lana: In wot sense?

Grant: Do you even know wot a Kickathon is, Lana?

Lana: Do you?

Grant: Do I wot?

Lana: Do you know wot a Kickathon is?

Grant: Sure I do! In fact, I’m about to emcee one. So I’d better be ‘eadin’ out. See you on the pitch!

Optimus: ‘Bye.

Lemmy: Wow, that was Grant Rockson, man! I think.

Maleficus: Indeed it was. I would be happy to inform our listeners at this time that the Edible Lemmings have scored a goal. On thirty-nine minutes, by Horace Henneman, human midfielder. Assisted by Trixitica Lemsmith. The Puny Lemmings go up one-nil.

Lana: ‘orace with ‘is first-ever goal in international play. ‘is dad’ll be proud.

Clem: Just to remind our listeners-- those who live under rocks-- we’ll be going live to the Lemco City Gil Lemson Memorial Kickathon at halftime. Featured personalities at the Kickathon this year will be Grant Rockson, Lana and myself, as well as the great Lemconder comic Millie Lemsterson and singer Lemmy Lemster. In fact, it’s about time for Lana and me to head down to the field to get set, so we’ll be turning it over to Maleficus and Lemmy Atom to call the waning minutes of the first half.

Maleficus: Thank you, Dean Clem. The Busboosters have kicked off following the Delectable Lemming goal, and the Lemmings have withdrawn to a defensive formation. It is unlikely we will see any further scoring in the first half.

Lemmy: ...

Maleficus: It is traditional for the co-commentator to comment at times like this, Edible Lemmy.

Lemmy: Huh? What’s that, man?

Maleficus: You and I are the only ones left in the booth. You must participate in the broadcast now.

Lemmy: Hey, where’d everybody go, Maleficus, man?

Maleficus: They have gone to the pitch to prepare for the halftime broadcast.

Lemmy: Yeah, but where’s June and Clarence and everybody?

Maleficus: The pitch.

Lemmy: They went down to the pitch?

Maleficus: That is correct.

Lemmy: What for?

Maleficus: To prepare for the halftime broadcast.

Lemmy: Oh, is halftime coming up? That’s good, ‘cause I really have the munchies, man.

Maleficus: Please do not call me man.

Lemmy: I think I’m gonna go get some lunch. You want some?

Maleficus: Perhaps you should wait until halftime begins.

Lemmy: Yeah, but I think I’m gonna go get some lunch. Uh... you want something, Maleficus, man?

Maleficus: Very well. If I cannot convince you to stay until the end of the half, be off with you. Feel free to bring me some lunch.

Lemmy: All right, man. I think I’m gonna go get some lunch, then.

Maleficus: Go ahead.

Lemmy: You want something?

Maleficus: Will you remember the answer three mintues from now?

Lemmy: Um.

Maleficus: There is no action of note to report on the field; the sides are playing without flair as time runs down. Therefore I will not be speaking again in the first half.

Lemmy: Uh... Maleficus, man? Um... I think I’m gonna go out and get some lunch. You want something? Okay. I’ll be back in a flash, man.

DP

3P

The Brazillico Advance

Evisceratomato Orchards Ablaze!
Brazillicans panic after Stumbles' Scare

After Mike Stumbles died on live television, the scare caused by mad evisceratomatoes has reached new heights in Brazillico. This was further enhanced when a reporter for the Brazillico News Network did an undercover report at an Evisceratomato farm and found out that at astonishing 70% of these fruit were green.

After the scoop was broadcast on BNN, hundreds of angry protesters stormed to the evisceratomato farm shown and proceeded to burn the entire crop. The entire scene was also broadcast live on BNN took place as an exorcism, with a young priest and an old priest from the local Catholic Church leading the proceedings.

"On the fifty-seventh day, the Lord said, 'Let there be ketchup.'", said the young priest. And Heinz replied "Ok".

"You have disrepected the Lord and Heinz, harbringers of ketchup!" exclaimed the old priest, "Let this crop, this soil and this land pay the supreme price for this sinned green fruit. I order, by the name of the Lord, that this crop must suffer trial by fire."

"Should these plants be innocent, they shall continue to stand," said the young priest. "If not, may these plants and their devil-infested fruit burn in eternal damnation!"

As a result of this widely televised event, hundreds of "Evisceratomato Exorcisms" are taking place throughout Brazillico. However, not everyone is impressed with these witch hunts for ESEs.

"The damn evisceratomatoes aren't ripe!" exclaimed redneck farmer Cletus Santiago. "All evisceratomatoes start out green and mature to be red and git them gosh darn hippies of my property!"

In a bizarre turn of events, the old priest at the event judged Mr. Santiago to be under the influence of mad evisceratomatoes and the devil. After being insulted by being called "hippies", an angry mob of exorcism-goers swarmed around Mr. Santiago, picked him up and proceeded to throw him into the fire.

This event, which was also seen by large numbers of Brazillicans, has inspired this nation to tie evisceratomato farmers to a stake, place them at the center of their crops and light them on fire.

BA estimates that 954 of the 2,134 evisceratomato farms have been lit on fire and approximately 500 farmers have been torched to death in the proceedings. Numerous other exorcisms are being planned in rural Brazillico, not to mention the evisceratomato hate rallies taking place in Brazillico's major economic centres.

Stock Market Recap
Agricultural Sector Hit Hard

The recent evisceratomato crisis has yielded some huge losses at the Kalita Stock Exchange, particularly for the agricultural sector.

Consolidated Foods saw a huge loss on the KSE today, dropping from $46.70 to $40.40, a gigantic 16.2% loss. The Oglethorpian-based conglomerate has seen severe losses since the evisceratomato scare broke out two-months ago, when it was at a five-year high of $74.35.

Brazillico's largest evisceratomato vendor, Soldez Fruits and Vegetables faced titanic losses at its shares plummeted from $16.40 to $12.30, seeing a daily market high 25% loss. Soldez had remained relatively stable compared to its Oglethorpian counterpart since no mad evisceratomatoes had been found in Brazillico up until this point. Although experts still seriously doubt the presence of mad ESEs in Brazillico, the widespread burning of evisceratomato farms will mean that Soldez's carrot, pear, celery, apple and rhubarb subsidiaries will have to pick up the slack.

Despite overall losses in the agricultural sector, Tropico Incorporated managed to have a stellar day, with its shares climbing from $20.25 to $21.40, giving it an respectible 5.7% for the day. Tropico, Brazillico's leader in the production of citrus fruit and bananas has been rumored to been having talks regarding a takeover Audioslavia's Jaffacake Farms.

Harmony Cup to Begin
Tournament still missing one team

The third edition of the Harmony Cup is on the verge of beginning, and there is still one major problem, one entry spot has been left vacant.

"We're definately still accepting applicants," said the Brazillico Football Association's President of Foreign Affairs, Steve Ribeiro, "However, we are fully prepared to function in the event that we have only nine teams participating."

The contigency plan set in place by tournament officials is that the Harmony Cup would be staged as a round robin, with each squad playing eight games, and the side emerging with the best record being declared champions.

It should be noted that in the event of two squads having a similar record by the end of the event, goal difference will not be a determining factor in the event and a final match shall be held at Kalita's Undelay Industries Stadium.

***BREAKING NEWS***

STUNNING DEVELOPMENTS REGARDING ATTACK

A second Praying2God player has now went home to be with their Lord after the terrorist attack on the team bus after the last game of qualifying. Dietrich Bonhoeffer passed away this evening, leaving behind a wife and two children. Martin Luther King Jr. is also expected to leave this world within the next day or two.

The are now rumors circling that the terrorist was an extremist from within Praying2God's borders. If that was the case, the culprit is in even more hot water because guns have been outlawed in Praying2God for many years. However, the attacker does not have a name or a description at this time. We'll bring you more information as it develops.

NEWSFLASH:

Giant Zucchini finds itself in the Group of Death, namely, Group G, which hold, other than Giant Zucchini, Squornshelous, Gesamtkuntswerk, and Kingsford. Despite the closeness of this group, Giant Zucchini is expected to advance past this stage. However, as qualifying would have proved, it is nowhere near easy, especially with a group this tough. Head Coach Mr Hurr, "We last met Squornshelous back in World Cup 10 on home turf, beating them comprehensively 4-0. Whether we can repeat that is something else. We have not faced Gesamtkuntswerk before, but we hope earnestly that we can get a result against them. Kingsford will be a tough prospect. We will try our best against them but we cannot guarantee anything."

Kansu: A-ku~i-la?
SyLy: Merely like A-ki-la


Is that some sort of Rejistanian swear word?

No, Hana Kansu simply thought the 'u' after the 'q' was pronounced and SyLy corrected him. If it was a swear word, Iles would have said it several times :wink:

A decent draw for once, things are looking up for Dark outcasts

Eh, what the heck, everyone else did it.

Group A
Lemmitania - 54%
Rejistania - 21%
Busby - 24%
Aquilla - 1%

Group B
Ravenspire - 56%
One Red Dot - 42%
Belmorian Scandinavia - 0%
Liverpool England - 2%

Group C
Snub Nose 38 - 81%
Kaze Progressa - 19%
The Belmore Family - 0%
East Spaam - 0%

Group D
Tanah Burung - 33%
Warnocks Wizards - 29%
New Montreal States - 19%
Ariddia - 19%

Group E
Oglethorpia - 76%
Eauz - 23%
Dark Outcasts - 1%
The Lowland Clans - 0%

Group F
Europa Brittania - 61%
Halfassedstates - 32%
NASTIC 2 - 7%
Oddslavo - 0%

Group G
Giant Zucchini - 0%
Gesamtkuntswerk - 0%
Squornshelous - 0%
Kingsford - 100%

Group H
Runaway Moose - 12%
Audioslavia - 44%
Total n Utter Insanity - 43%
Kerla - 1%

Terry Singh : “Greetings to you all! I’m Terry Singh, still with nothing better to do with my retirement than rush around the world commenting on football matches, and with me is my lovely colleague Kim Kim. We’re in Warnock Wizards, in the stadium of The Gate, and later today you’ll be able to watch Ariddia take on the team from the New Montreal States.”

Kim Kim: “Again, Ariddia is favourite on paper for Group D, which is probably bad news. The team are all in top shape and rearing to go.”

Singh: “And we have a bit of time to discuss other matters. Kim, I’ve heard of some of our colleagues working with fellow commentators that are Giant Evil Spiders from the GESFL. My question is. . . are they nuts?”

Kim: “Well, interest in spider football is growing. Reports indicate several dozen Ariddian fans have travelled to watch live GES games.”

Singh: “I heard that too. A few of them got eaten before authorities over there suggested eating tourists gives a negative image of the country. Anyway, why invite them here?”

Kim: “To gain a. . . new perspective on football? To make friends? Still, I wouldn’t be comfortable with one standing behind me. I don’t really feel like being eaten, for some reason. Although a spider might find my wheelchair a bit hard to swallow.”

Singh: “Ah, well. If one wanders in, we’ll just have to be polite, and not make it angry or hungry. Before we go, here’s the Ariddian roster for the match against the New Montreal States.”


GK: Lily Mayantar-Lejeune (3)
DEF: Wn Wahd (20, capt), Rod Schwarzwald (13), Jean-François Cocher (21), Alexandre Newville (12)
MID: Jules Andes (19), Luke Wu (15), Kazushi Tomson (5), Li Rongyu (9)
FWD: Aurélien Clair (22), Bjørn Reath (6)


Kim : “Catch you all later !”

Red and White Wizards to Keep the Cup at Home?

Manager Ufwurz the Furious Looks Forward to Tackling the World

From our news services...

New Orthanc, Warnocks Wizards–Eight years ago, the Empire hosted a collection of nations from around the world at The Cup of Harmony. Eight years ago, the Wizards vanquished all that came before them, winning the prestigious trophy in front of a raucous home crowd at Fortress Warnock. Eight years on, and the Wizards look to capture another trophy on the slopes of Mount Doom; this time it’s the mother of all trophies: The World Cup.

The groups, now having been drawn, see the Enlightened Empire hosting a wide range of talented and ambitious teams. From the defending champions Lemmitania to established powers Snub Nose 38, Ravenspire, and Ariddia to ambitious younger sides such as Rejistania to newcomers and hopefuls New Montreal States, the World Cup at Warnocks Wizards should provide drama and entertainment for all. Our own National Team have been placed in a group with Ariddia, Tanah Burung, and New Montreal States. Joining me after learning of the selection, Manager Ufwurz the Furious briefly sat down with this reporter and looked ahead to the campaign facing his side.

Bazgash the Sly: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me before the Opening Ceremony. I know I speak for everyone in the Empire in wishing the Red and White Wizards the best in the coming battle ahead.

Ufwurz the Furious: Thank you, Bazzie. The lads and we olde managing staff are looking forward to it with great anticipation and enthusiasm. The buzz in the Empire is great right now, we’ll do our best for the diverse citizenry.

Bazgash the Sly: Before we look at the group and schedule that lays ahead for you and the boys, have you made any significant changes to the squad coming in to the tournament?

Ufwurz the Furious: Yes we are making half a dozen changes to the side that competed for us in World Cup 10 qualification. Poor Ishhak the Smasher, perhaps the best goalkeeper the Empire has ever produced, has had to retire due to that horrific injury he suffered against the Lanky Dudes. Replacing him in the side is the experienced, at least in domestic terms, is Urklok the Despoiler.

Bazgash the Sly: Will Urklok get the starting nod?

Ufwurz the Furious: No, Urklok is pencilled in at No 2. He’s a steady keeper, but not quite as dynamic or quick off of his line as Globtakh the Timid. Globtakh has now graduated from New Rivendell University with a degree in Assertiveness and a minor in Oration, so I think he’ll be able to communicate and lead from the back as never before.

In the back four we’ve made another change. Left back Grimbrug the Basher is hurt once again. He has a problem with ingrowing toenails, a quite common affliction in some of our Uruk’Hai players. Alas, his problem is too acute for him to participate. Coming in for him is Akhkur the Toothless from the Barrow-Downs.

Bazgash the Sly: That’s an historic choice. Akhkur is the first Wight ever to be chosen for the national side.

Ufwurz the Furious: Indeed. The community tend to stay quietly in their subterranean abodes. The Toothless one possesses a certain shadowy quality; he’s seems to be everywhere at once, so should really shore up the defense.

In midfield we’ve made the most changes: two new faces and a surprise return. Dropped from the squad are Burzgob the Butcher, Durbret the Choker, and Ghazghash the Sleazy. Burzgob just gets right up my nose, so I’ve deleted him for disciplinary reasons. Durbret’s form has dropped off a little ever since he nearly strangled a referee to death last month in The One Ring Premiership.

Bazgash the Sly: I think many can understand your choice on this. After all, the lad’s head is just not in the right place right now; isn’t it wedged beneath a large boulder?

Ufwurz the Furious: It is. No wonder when you attempt to assault a troll of a referee!

Bazgash the Sly: Many were surprised by Ghazghash’s removing himself from national team selection. He is a mercurial player, but won’t his nearly fifty caps and ten goals be missed from the side.

Ufwurz the Furious: They will, there’s just no getting around it. But he’s decided to join the Order of the Elvish Monks of Lothlorien, so good luck to him.

Bazgash the Sly: And who are the replacements in midfield?

Ufwurz the Furious: Joining the squad are Krumsnak the Sneaky, Ufsnik the Virtuoso, and Skairash the Bald.

Bazgash the Sly: Krumsnak?!?! Not the octogenarian wizard with the zimmer frame?

Ufwurz the Furious: The very same. He’s been on a course at a leisure centre, highly recommended by the Minster for Sport. Apparently, Krumsnak was taught how to move around in the odd chance that his zimmer frame is ever sawn in half by a chainsaw. I’m told he can move around better than ever before. I’ve brought the Sneak in for his experience, though may have to muzzle him if he keeps repeating the same stories over and over.

The other two lads, Ufsnik and Skairash, bring exuberance and a shiny head, respectively. Ufsnik has been something of a prodigy, almost singlehandedly earning The Riders of Rohan promotion to The One Ring Premiership at the tender age of 14. He’s a speedy lad and has excellent ball control. Skairash is an accomplished attacking midfielder. What he can’t beat with skill, he has that special ability of being able to blind an opponent with the glare off of his shiny head. The lads kiddingly call him “The Light of Elendil” in our training sessions.

Bazgash the Sly: Any changes up front?

Ufwurz the Furious: Just the one. Zagag the Sleak has gone off of the boil, he tragically scalded his feet trying to fry up some breakfast. I always tell the lads to be careful with their frying pans. Replacing him is Olkrish the Swift, a rather quick player for an Uruk’Hai targetman. He’s been in terrifying form for his club side, Angband Balrogs.

Bazgash the Sly: You’ve been drawn in a group with old friends Tanah Burung, exciting newcomers New Montreal States, and supremely experienced Ariddia. Any thoughts on the draw?

Ufwurz the Furious: It’s a good mix of teams. Citizens of our Empire have a natural affinity with the Crocodiles, as both nations share crocodilians as their national symbols, and we share a similar world outlook. They are the only side in the group that we’ve faced before. In World Cup 9 qualifying we drew 1-1 at the Fortress and upset them 2-0 on their soil. So, I’m expecting a well contested battle to kick things off.

New Montreal States have a good, young pool of players. They took a novel approach to qualifying rotating youth teams to represent them. It’s worked well and they were impressive in qualification. We would made a huge mistake if we overlook them.

Ariddia are a historic footballing nation; their exploits on the pitch of battle are well known. There are thoughts this may be one of their last cups, so no doubt they will want to go out in glory. Hopefully we can counter their experience and exuberance with grit, determination, and an intimidating Fortress Warnock.

All matches in the group will be hard work, ideally we can snatch a top two finish and sneak into the knock-out stages, where anything can happen.

Bazgash the Sly: Well, that’s wonderful. Thank you for your time, Ufwurz. Good luck in the World Cup. Up, up, and on to glory, you Red and White Wizards!

World Cup 11, Group D
#8 Ariddia
#15 Tanah Burung
#22 Warnocks Wizards
#46 New Montreal States

Matchday 1: Warnocks Wizards v. Tanah Burung, at Fortress Warnock
Matchday 2: Warnocks Wizards v. New Montreal States, at Fortress Warnock
Matchday 3: Warnocks Wizards v. Ariddia, at Fortress Warnock

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

World Cup Opens on Mount Doom

Packed Fortress Warnock Treated to Spectacular Opening Ceremony

From our news services...

Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–The World Cup opened last night with a spectacular event at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. Visitors from around the globe, including contingents of supporters of the nations involved in the football competition, gathered at the stunning stadium. Naturally, there was also a large and diverse crowd of Wizardites on hand, with all the races of the Empire represented. Thankfully, the night proceeded with only a few minor hitches; but, clearly it was a night enjoyed by all.

The evening began with a procession of the thirty-two national teams carrying their respective flags. The athletes, their delegations, and their tournament-designed mascots were greeted to warm and rapturous applause and greeting. Leading the procession were a delegation representing the nation of Ariddia, originators of this fine sporting competition. Their unique mascot of a desert followed by a large, empty drinking glass was warmly received by the home faithful. Following the Ariddians were the twenty-nine other qualifying nations in alphabetical order. In addition to the teams, spectators were treated to mascots of celestial stars, an opera singer in chains, a score of clones donning “Ingjaldr” t-shirts, a buzzing bee, a Nazgul cloaked in black, a shining tin of processed meat only a quarter of the way full, an amobea-like body of water, a dancing map, a generic figure wearing a “?” sign, a giant green zucchini, an Uruk’Hai with one buttock exposed, a wizard shepherding a fog that wafted across the pitch, a curled branch, a rather strange river-crossing figure wearing a crown, a rodent perpetually running and jumping over a cliff figure, a large liver wading in a pool followed by a chef, a stately billboard, a strutting potted iris plant, a slavelike figure stumbling as if drunk, an orc ogling a large loaf of bread, a giant red dot, a raven fluttering around a church mascot, a colourful orange-and-blue dressed person, a jocular moose, the Snub Nose 38 hooligan cheerleading squad (who received the largest and warmest welcome to this point), a squirrel juggling sea shells, a crocodile (which received a standing ovation), a score of clones donning “Alan” t-shirts, and a group of hobbits and dwarves dressed in kilts.

There was a dramatic pause before the two host teams and delegations emerged and a hush came over the crowd. The national orchestra, to this point playing the anthems of each nation as they emerged, began a stunning symphonic prologue that was at once inspiring and tension building. Suddenly, a brilliant flash of light engulfed the stadium, followed by an aura of smoke and fog. Materialising in the center circle was a large classical-style dais, in the middle of which sat a large platform holding a gleaming, beautifully constructed golden trophy. Below the platform on the dais stood Skailuk the Insane wearing a large placard stating “I am Totally Sane.” Next to him stood the beloved nine-foot tall salivating Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator, official mascot of the Warnocks Wizards national team. As the two waved to the crowd, they were greeted by a cacophony of applause and cheer. The Total n Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards delegations then emerged from the West Gate onto the pitch. The Wizard delegation was resplendent in the traditional Red and White striped robes and hats of the ancient order of Warnocks Wizards. A standing ovation and crowd uproar ensued and this was followed by more rousing music, which was becoming increasingly recognisable as an opus of the great wizard composer Vorros the Wise. As the piece began to enter its closing stages, the official delegations of Total n Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards climbed the dais and took their seats.

Just after the musical interlude ceased, a rather imposing voice boomed, “And now for something completely different...It’s...Ufhur the Hated, Warnocks Wizards Minister for Sport.” The minister emerged from the Wizards delegation, and took up a position in the center of the stand’s towering columns. Ufhur began:

“Friends; fans; visitors; desert flowers; beaming heavenly bodies; chained muses; Nordic cousins; flying insects; shadowy figures of unspeakableness; reprocessed meat tins; les bleus, bleus, les amours sont bleus; far away continentals; Germanic constructs; large vegetables; half-hearted citizens; progressive hazes; curling afficionados; lords of the river crossing; leaping rodents; gastronomic experts; acronym advocates; francophiles; eccentric slaves; wonderful oglers; avant garde artistes; soaring birds; orange-blue folk; running hoofed mammals; snub-nosed individuals; scorned shells; ‘gorgeus’ [said with an odd accent] crocodiles; Alan Belmores; haggis consumers; sane stick wielders; and Wizardites...(a din of applase)...welcome to the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards.

“It is our pleasure to be your co-hosts for this splendid competition. Just eight years ago, we were honoured to host eight nations of the world in the invitational Cup of Harmony. Today we invite the entire world to join us in friendship and fellowship both in Total n Utter Insanity and here in Warnocks Wizards. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if international conflict could be settled on the football pitch? This tournament, this friendly gathering, this World Cup is but one small step towards that ever elusive goal. Now that our nation has this forum and the UN Delegateship of Middle Earth, perhaps we can now try to bring that idea to reality. It is our dream, our quest to bring peacefully together the nations of this extraordinary universe in sport. It is our dream...”

At this point Minister Ufhur was interrupted by the first of a few almost comical glitches during the evening. One of the Total n Utter Insanity delegation, clearly suffering the aftereffects of travel lag, began to fall asleep and fell against the platform holding the World Cup. As Ufhur reached his second “It is our dream,” the Cup fell off of the platform. There were cries of astonishment from the crowd. Leaping to life, his slouched form springing into action, Warnocks Wizards Football Federation Chairman Glomazh the Mean caught the falling trophy. The Uruk’Hai raised the cup aloft, showing to all that it had been undamaged. The crowd immediately applauded, drowning out a rather bemused Ufhur who was unaware of what was going on behind him.

Thinking Ufhur had finished his speech, the imposing voice boomed, “Please welcome the honourable...the honourable...(mumbling) Pippin what was that name?...(booming again)...the honourable Unnamed Mass, (chuckling from the crowd), President of the Insanician Football Association.”

A rather green and frightened looking man made his way past the Warnocks Wizards giant spider contigent on the dais and took center stage. It was at this time that the proceedings took a turn for the bizarre. Mr. Mass, not a comfortable speaker of the Common Language, attempted to give his address in his native language. Wizard cup organisers had installed an interpreting device into the address system for precisely this reason prior to the ceremony. However, the Oglethorpian-produced Acme Universal Translator chose this precise moment to go haywire. As a result Unnamed Mass’ address sounded something like this:

“My hovercraft is full of eels. Ve desire lebensraum! No one expected the Spanish Inquisition. Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...our two weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency...Our three weapons are...Gavin, get the cat.”

The crowd, completely puzzled, remained silent. Poor Mr. Mass, realising his speech wasn’t going as planned, returned to his seat, noticeably wincing as he passed Shelob-VIII-Legs and her brood on the dais. Ufhur the Hated saw his chance to finish his speech and retook the position on center stage. He spoke once again:

“We wish all participants the best of luck. Whether you’re playing in Total n Utter Insanity or here in our benevolent empire...Whether you’re climbing the mighty spire of the Tower, ranging across the plains to the evergreen Grasslands, advancing along the landscape to the imposing Gate, skipping gleefully to the beautiful Lane, hiking through the forest to the peaceful Dell, gliding across the river to the stout Citadel, descending reverently to the serene Lair, or attending the shrine of this spectacular Fortress: May all your caravans find an oasis. May all your stars enlighten the heavens. May all your singers learn to read music. May all your fjords glisten. May all your drones cultivate sweet honey. May all your ostracised spirits find a home in the light. May all your meats never rot. May all your oceans shine blue. May all your borders be peaceful. May all your phrasebooks translate true (a slight snicker from the crowd). May all your vegetables sprout. May all your buttocks fit in the chair. May all your newspapers print the truth (some applause, especially from behind the speaker). May all your underdogs succeed. May all your fords be free of Nazgul. May all your lemmings survive the cliff jump. May all your Houlliers learn to lose gracefully. May all your acronyms make sense. May all your cultures co-exist in harmony. May all your slaves break free of their oppressive chains. May all your futeballers play with wonder. May all your dots ring true. May all your fledglings grow to be happy, healthy ravens. May all your colours shine brightly amidst the dark. May all your moose return to the herd. May all your rubber chicken sacrifices be answered. May all your scorned squirrels find a warm home. May all your nests be protected. May all your Alans live in perpetuity. May all the tartan of your kin never fade. May all your tables and formulae be totally and utterly sane. May all of us lift the cup of life in triumph!”

As Ufhur spoke, the applause slowly grew to the point when he read his final invocation, the entire stadium arose and gave a long standing ovation. The beaming Ufhur bowed and gestured for his counterpart in ceremony, Unnamed Mass, to step forward. Running this time past the applauding arachnids, the Insanician took his place alongside Ufhur and the two bowed and waved to all the sides of the stadium.

As the din began to wane the two approached the microphone together. They leaned forward and announced in unison (the translator thankfully worked correctly this time): “We now proclaim the World Cup open.”

The crowd erupted once again and the festivities began. A rousing dance routine by The Shagrat and Uruk’Hai Folkdance Troupe kicked things off. As ever, the group’s unique lack of discernible rhythm or style or form proved popular with the masses. Shagrat and Gorbag leaped, stomped, and slinked their way around the pitch. Performing amongst the troupe were representatives of all races of the Empire representing the thirty-two nations involved. Amongst all the dancing and prancing, Elvish folk singer Maldholwen sang her hit “Evening Star, Football Star” and Wizards Without Hats performed an extended version of their new version of “The Harmony Dance.” Capping off the song’s seemingly endless but catchy octave beeps was a beautiful fireworks display orchestrated by the Gandalf the Gray Entertainment Corporation. The fireworks blossomed and bloomed into shapes of the thirty-two nation’s mascots. The final image that the crowd was left with was the beaming countenance of Rahzlok the Alligator. The crowd then dispersed reverently, looking forward to the bright future that tomorrow will bring.

The World Cup competition kicks off tomorrow.

Bazgash the Sly, reporting for WW1

Scene I: Quentin 'n Utter Tarantinity

It's a cold, no, scratch that, freezing fucking night in the nation of Total 'n Utter Insanity. An unmarked bus pulls up at a toll-bar on the country's border. The window winds down, and a nervous looking driver starts counting his money

Driver: *ahem* 'Ahoy there brave warlord, how much be it to enter this fine old country?

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude: huh? where the hell are you from?

Driver: we arr bin from Warnocks Wizards lad, we arr the 'The Wizard's Armwrestling Team', look it says so on our team badge

*The toll-bar dude looks at the driver's shirt, and sure enough, the initials for 'The Wizard's Armwrestling Team' are spelt out on the shirt's badge, in front of two arms together, both holding a clump of hair.

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude: .....i'd say that shirt sums you up quite well

Driver: Thankye me hearty, y'arr..... 'ow much be the toll then?

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude: 10 meeps please

Driver: ten fuckin meeps? dude thats a fuckin....

*The Toll-Bar Dude, on hearing the driver's thick Audioslavian accent, stares at the driver with a newfound hatred in his eyes*

Driver: shit.... ok ok man, im just gonna rev....

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude *getting out a shot-gun*: you'll do nothing of the sort. Step out of the bus

*the driver steps out of the bus, a group of other Insanician Toll-Bar-Dudes have gathered around the driver. Audioslavia's team captain Lee Branson gets out of the bus with the team's star-striker, Jonny Willow

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude: you two, get out, face the bus..... hey.... dont i know you?

Jonny: umm.... y'arr..... brave......... y'arr

Insanician Toll-Bar Dude: Don't pull that Warnockian bullshit with me..... your an Audioslav arent you? We've got a name for people like you..... we call you....... 'ASholes'

*the group of Insanicians fall about laughing at their comrade's hella-funny joke. Lee and Jonny share a bemused glance*

Driver: look, im sorry, but we've got to play a world cup and... you know... we need to be in your count...

*The Insanician takes his shotgun and blasts Jonny Willow's head off. Lee and the Driver look at their ex-star-striker, ex-top-scorer's remains in disbelief*

Insanician: i'm sorry did i break your concentration? you were saying something about... 'a world cup'?............ oh you were finished? well then allow me to retort......... describe to me, what a female dog looks like.

Driver *scared*: what?

*The insanician blows out one of the tires from the bus with his shotgun, and starts to reload as he asks more questions*

Insanician: What country are you from?

Driver *petrified*: what?

Insanician: "What" ain't no country I know! Do
they speak Audioslavian in "What?"

Driver *out of fear*: what?!

Insanician: AUDIOSLAVIAN MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?

Driver *near heart-attack*: what?!?

Insanician *sticking his shot-gun in the Driver's face: SAY WHAT AGAIN! I DARE YA! I DOUBLE DARE YA! What.... Does..... A.... Female..... Dog.... Look..... Like

Lee: what kind of dog? African or European?

Insanician: I DONT REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GOD-DAMNED-THING

*Lee steps back*

Driver: its..... hairy.....

Insanician: go-on...

Driver: ...and.... some of them are small

Insanician: does it look like a bitch?

Driver: well yes, because technically....

*The insanician realizes the Driver is right. This makes him even more pissed off, so he blows the driver's head off anyway. He points his shot-gun at Lee. Lee blinks at him. The Insanician hits him with the stock of his shotgun and knocks Lee unconscious*

Scene II: yes, another Pulp Fiction rip-off

*Lee, feeling groggy, wakes up, tied to a chair. Next to him is Audioslavia's manager K.B.Lravitz, also tied to a chair*

Same Insanician Toll Bar Dude: Howdy... i dont think i introduced myself... my names.... 'Ted'

*Lee and K.B. look at each other*

Ted: i had to send your lil' friends on, apparently you do have a world cup to play in. I recognised your friend Jonny, he was the guy who scored against us last time out.... so i blew his lil' head off, sorry about that...

*K.B. gives Ted an 'it's perfectly fine' kind of look. Unfortunately, the meaning of the look is lost in translation between the two different cultures of Audioslavia and TnUI, and comes accross to Ted as a kind of 'nice apples, where is the nearest railway station' kind of look*

Ted *looking bemused at K.B.*: you..... i think i'll have you first....

K.B. *with a big big big look of fear*: 'mmmff!'........'mmmfffffkkrrrr!'

*Ted wheels K.B. into the next room. Lee sits scared as muffled banging sounds can be heard from the next room. Lee starts struggling in his chair, trying to get the shackles free. He fails completely, utterly lacking in Bruce Willis's strength. He sits down, feeling utterly knackered, for half-an-hour, sitting through the muffled sounds from next door until finally, he sees that the chair says 'made in TnUI' on it. He has a brain-wave, and immediately tries to get comfortable on the chair. The chair snaps, and he wriggles out of his bonds and runs out of the door onto the street.

He stops in his tracks, with the muffled bangs still audible........ after a brief pause, he thinks 'fuck it' and starts running

TO BE CONTINUED

Group A
Lemmitania - 41%
Rejistania - 33%
Busby - 21%
Aquilla - 13%

Naturally, you are biased.

Yes, Bedistanis are indeed biased against Aquilla. ;) At least until we can get that peace treaty worked out... *looks at CH*

Damn you, double posts.

DDAAAMMMNN YYOOOUU!!! :?

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

It's not that bad: evisceratomatoes not mad
Detailed studies uncover proof that mad evisceratomatoes 'discovered' in Megalopolis City aren't mad at all

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- An agglomerated team of scientists from Consolidated Foods and a massive troupe hired by the government set to work to determine if the 'mad evisceratomato' discovered in Megalopolis City's west FoodMart was really mad or not, the findings proving the Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation in the right -- at least, to a point.

Consolidated Foods' Head Scientist of Food Testing & Synthesization, Professor Marvin Brown led a press conference held at the Consolidated Foods Office Complex in Sheffingham, Oglethorpia, releasing the findings of the government-mandated test on the so-named mad evisceratomatoes.

Professor Brown corroborated the late FD&FAA&F Director Mike Stumbles' comments on the mad evisceratomato crisis -- stating that "bezides ze efizceratomatoes being painted, tey vere perfectly good." Brown later stated that the only reason Mr. Stumbles did fall dead from eating the otherwise-good evisceratomatoes was that the paint they were coated in was decades old -- as many as 40 years old.

"Mr. Zumbles died off a fery divverent ting indeed. Ze man died vrom led poizoning, not off mad efizceratomato -- zat paint vas fery old, you know," asserted Professor Brown.

With Stumbles' death clear, some of the fear of mad evisceratomato has allieviated -- but a resident economist at the Bureaucratic Tribune predicted that even if mad evisceratomato were declared gone from Oglethorpia once and for all, it would take at least half-a-decade for the evisceratomato industry to return to where it once was prior to the ESE scare.

"Even though these latest developments have returned things to 'no mad evisceratomatoes have ever been sold' scares hurt the economy like nothing else," said economist Jim White. "We're on the road to getting away from this whole mad evisceratomato scare -- but it's still going to take awhile for trust to be put back into evisceratomatoes."

Consolidated Foods stock has still seen consistent losses since the mad evisceratomato scare -- but the fall in stock prices has allieviated some, compared to the massive crash the publicly-traded company saw when the ESE scare first broke on the newslines.

In addition to the slowing of the stock losses of Consolidated Foods and the clearing of any further mad evisceratomato scare, the ESE crisis in Oglethorpia has seen a large shift in the vegetarian population slowly becoming meatatarian again -- the love of red meat apparently coming back into vogue with vegetables down so low in the public trust department.

"It's simple," said one anthropologist at Miskatonic University in Arkham. "When people are scared of vegetables, they'll go to an alternative -- with mad cow we saw more vegetarians. Here, we're seeing the adverse -- the meatatarian population is back on the rise. Evisceratomato may suffer, but Consolidated Foods may be able to rebound in the meat department."

It remains to be seen if Consolidated Foods meat will pick up the slack with all the losses in their evisceratomato market.

The large vegetarian population of Oglethorpia is slowly becoming meatatarian again -- for mad cow has not struck Oglethorpia, the country luckily avoiding a double whammy of food-madness.

Said Consolidated Foods CEO Harry Gray, "we're dealing with the situation as best we can -- a company like us should have no trouble regaining the public's trust after this whole ESE crisis has come and gone."

---

FD&FAA&F Director named
Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation names the late Mike Stumbles' successor

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Today the Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation not-so-publicly announced the late Mike Stumbles' replacement -- longtime FD&FAA&F analyst and freelance researcher Martin Paul.

"I'll be sure to live up to Mr. Stumbles' record for running this department with [some level] of efficiency and handling this evisceratomato crisis with aplomb -- as I believe he did prior to his end. You know, the maker-meeting and all."

FD&FAA&F Director Martin Paul has announced plans to continue with the now dead Stumbles' plans concerning the ESE outbreak -- to continue making sure they don't make it to store shelves, and hold steadfast in the destruction of infected evisceratomatoes -- whose numbers are already dwindling with imports closed off from the Mad Evisceratomato Growing Nation of East Spaam.

"The mad evisceratomato problem has nearly been eviscerated," said Martin Paul in a not-so-creative pun.

---

Fuschia filches financial funds
Financial Manager Fuschia guilty of financial misappropriation

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- "Financial Misappropriator is more like it," said a visibly angry defender Butch Beige. "I just wanted some money so that I could buy some dr- buy some sodas using Wonderteam funds, and then I found out that they were all gone." For with the aid of the Widespread Nationwide Police, acting on a hunch by striker Torrence Black, Mike Fuschia, [former] Wonderteam Financial Manager and [former] bureaucrat was found guilty of misappropriating Oglethorpian Wonderteam funds designated for team betterment and travel around the world for their matches.

"I wonder where he got all this nice stuff," said Torrence Black. "Oglethorpia being the fancy nation it is, it only made sense that leech would have taken the funds from the Wonderteam."

Following the discovery in the Oglethorpian Association of Football Office Complex, a burly WNP officer proceeded to punt -- literally, the former Wonderteam Financial Manager out of the building onto his ass.

WNP computer specialists managed to electronically remove the funds from Fuschia's numerous bank accounts in southern Oglethorpia. In the end, no damage was done to the Wonderteam's finances -- but their ability to trust people to handle their money has been severly wounded.

"Y'know," said a surprised Guy Picciotto, "Mike was a nice guy. Maybe it was genuine, maybe it was just to get to the money, but I hate to be betrayed by someone who seemed like a good person to me."

Mike Fuschia, former bureaucrat and financial manager, has been reportedly sighted in the nation of Liverpool England -- rumours floating around that the dastardly, decepting 5'2 [five foot two inches] thief intends to form a small folk band to tour Liverpool England with.

"We'll try to transfer financial responsibility over among a collective management from now on," said AoF Director George McDouglas on what would happen to Fuschia's former post within Wonderteam management.

Other reports say that Fuschia did make off with his two million dollar Amalgamated Motors Narwhal 3000 -- in final defiance of those he cheated.

"Karma's gunna catch up with him," said midfielder Floyd Black. "I just know it. Karma's definitely gunna get him back."

A tour bus pulls up to a hotel. Desypar leans over to Mike Odyssey and whispers in his ear "Watch this." He then walks up to the clerk.

"Excuse me, we have reservations."

"Ah, in for the world cup, I assume. What team are you?"

"We're from Bedistan."

"Ah, right." The clerk starts to type it in, he gets to the i, before realizing that they didn't qualify, and says "You dirty Kingsforder scum! You better get outta here, and don't come back! Don't try and steal any hotel rooms, or I'll call the police and they'll come and show your our Insanican wrath! WOooOOOooOOOooOOooOOOO!"

Desypar turns to his team mates and shrugs.

"WOOOOoooOOOooOOooooOOOOOOooOOOO! Feel our wrath! WoooOOOOoooOOOOoooO!"

The team starts to walk back to the bus, and breaks into a dead on sprint away from the clerk. They get back in the bus and head twenty yards down the street until the get to the next hotel.

"What's the name of this place?" asked backup forward Jon Swift.

"Lets see.. it's the last one in the area.. it's called Alan Belmore's Discount Rate Hotel and Hoar House"

"What's a Hoar?"

"I dunno" shrugged Desypar. "Lets go find out."

The started to walk in, when a retarded inbred stumbled out with a bottle of Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 in one hand and a container of bleach in the other.

"Wet yus a duane herr?"

"WE... WE WANT..."

Midfielder Anil Patel tapped Desypar on the shoulder. "Hey, I speak Inbred."

"How?"

"I was fighting in the War on Error."

"Oh... ok then. Go ahead."

Patel clears his throat. "Iza scoktlundie eenfd uh iza beend wentin tweo sleape een youuooor hoetell."

"Uza scoktlundie?///"

Desypar thinks to himself 'how does he say those slashes?'

"yewsp,, iza scoktlundie. beewt woaon kwechstun......................>>> WAts a HoAR!!!!!!11111111111????????///////"

"iyst leek a meekstuyer uf uh peeg and a porstytytyte." he takes a big swig from the Bleach container and dumps some of the whisky on his head. "Uze wents wen!??!????///"

Patel turns to his teammates. "RUN!"

The all scramble back in the bus and drive off. The inbred chases after them, bleach and whisky in hand, before he gets run down by another tour bus, colored maroon and teal and spelling the words "Audioslavia Football Team" on the side.

Desypar turns to the driver. "Cheese it!"

"Cheese it, what are you, in 4th grade!?"

"I-- I'm sorry man... just go fast!"

"Well," he starts to slow down the bus "you didn't say the magic word."

The Audioslavia bus starts to gain on the Kingsford Bus.

"Magic Word!? What the heck!? No!"

"Well I'm afraid I'm gonna have to stop this bus."

The Audioslavia bus pulls up besides the Kingsford Bus, both coming to a complete stop. Audioslavia players open the windows of the bus and climb onto it's roof, dressed like pirates. They jump across, and eventually, a player known as Lee Branson, but asking to be referred as 'The Shiverer of Timbers' climbs down from the roof of the bus with a plastic sword in hand.

"Greetings, whaling vessel. I am The Shiverer of Timbers. Now bow and submit to my mighty wrath. You all are the slaves of Kenny Lravitz, adult film industry star and Audioslavia world cup coach. If you do not obey, I'll shiver your timbers."

In the distance, "Faith" by George Michael is heard blaring, accompanied by flashing pink lights.

"Holy f---!" Lee said. "It's the Insanican police! CHEESE IT!" He gets back into the bus and they drive off madly.

"See," said Desypar, "He can say Cheese it and his driver will go."

"That's because he's Audioslavian. They're all queer like that. You know?"

"Huh?"

"EXCUSE ME!" a man wearing a pink flower print dress says. "I'm officer Butkis of the Insanican police. Why are you stopped in the middle of the road?"

Midfielder James Fick shouted "CHEESE IT!" And the driver floored it, leaving the officer in the dust. He soon jumped into his pink VW bug, turned on the "sirens" and lights, and started to chase them.

"You really suck!" Said Desypar. "And now, the queer police are on our trail."

"Not queer, Insanican."

"Oh, like there's a difference. Anyways, we gotta get to our hotel, and fast!"

BUM BUM BUMMMMMM.......

To be continued.

Driver: we arr bin from Warnocks Wizards lad, we arr the 'The Wizard's Armwrestling Team', look it says so on our team badge

*The toll-bar dude looks at the driver's shirt, and sure enough, the initials for 'The Wizard's Armwrestling Team' are spelt out on the shirt's badge, in front of two arms together, both holding a clump of hair.


This post amused me quite a bit.

DP

Ah heh heh.

The innuendo, the innuendo 8)

<OOC>Come with us now to the days of yesteryear, oh, about, two months ago... to the thirteenth match of qualifying... when Lemmitania, it is said, hosted Busby...</OOC>

Clem: Well, that was quite a show.

Lana: Indeed it was. Quite a trip down Memory Lane. I ain’t ‘eard Lemmy Lemster sing “Gil” (http://homepages.nyu.edu/~pcj1/gil.mp3) in many years.

Clem: Yeah, that was one part I could hve done without. So, we’re getting set for the second half kickoff in Lemco City, where the Lemmings lead Busby one-nothing in the second-to-last match in World Cup Eleven qualifying. I’m Clem Gilson, the Dean of Lemmitanian sports, and with me in the booth are Lana Maelstrom, Lemmy “Atom” Meisterbrau, and Octavarion Maleficus-- say, where’s Lemmy?

Maleficus: I do not know.

Lana: Wot-- wot’s that drippin’ from your maw?

Maleficus: Barbecue sauce.

Clem: The hell it is-- oh, Bejeezus!

Maleficus: What?

Lana: You et Lemmy!!

Maleficus: No! I never did!

Lana: You et ‘im, you et ‘im!

Clem: Oh, my-- I can’t-- I can’t believe the scene of horror before my eyes, folks. Never in all my years of broadcasting have I ever witnessed something so horrendous!

Maleficus: I ate no one!

Lana: You’re still chewin’ on ‘im! Oh, the ‘orror!

Clem: Someone call the authorities! June, get on the phone to the police!

Lana: That was June ‘oo ran screamin’ outta ‘ere when-- oh, I can’t say it.

Maleficus: You puny humans have all become afflicted with mass hysteria! What would make you think I’ve eaten Edible Lemmy?-- I mean, poor Lemmy. Who is not edible.

Clem: We can see his eviscerated entrails dripping from your hideous mandibles!

Maleficus: These are the eviscerated entrails of a bucket of deep-fried lemming parts from Kentucky Fried Lemming. See? Here’s the bucket... Where’d the bucket go?

Lana: There ain’t no bucket!

Clem: Not to mention Lemmy’s blood smeared all over your hideous face!

Maleficus: As I said, this is barbecue sauce!

Clem: The hell it is!

Maleficus: You said that before.

Clem: It’s still relevant!

Maleficus: Lemmy must have taken the bucket with him.

Clem: Into your stomach!

Maleficus: Ugh. I hope I didn’t eat the bucket.

Clem: To summarize for our listeners-- if my voice is shaking, folks, just bear with me--

Lana: Ohhhh, the ‘orror!

Clem: --Maleficus, the Giant Evil Spider, has eaten Lemmy Atom while Lana and I were out of the booth for the halftime festivities. It’s the single worst thing ever to befall an LRN World Cup broadcast.

Maleficus: The hell it is!

Clem: Oh no? What’s ever happened that’s worse?

Maleficus: I did not eat anyone!

Clem: You’re licking the bits of him off of your hideous lips!

Maleficus: I have no lips. And it is barbecue sauce I am licking from my maw.

Clem: If you didn’t eat him, where the hell is he?

Maleficus: Who knows? He said he was going out for more sauce.

Lana: Wot’s this about ‘im takin’ the bucket with ‘im, then?

Maleficus: I would think the statement was fairly self-explanatory. He must have taken the KFL bucket with him when he left.

Clem: What the hell was he doing in your cage in the first place?!

Maleficus: First of all, I resent your characterization of my half of the booth as a ‘cage.’ And second of all, he came in under his own free will.

Lana: And then you et ‘im!

Clem: You lured him in, knowing his brain is too muddled to know better!

Maleficus: He volunteered to get some lunch. When he returned with the lunch, there was no way for me to eat it without his bringing it in to me. Considering that my side of the booth-- which I am beginning to feel you have aptly described as a ‘cage’-- considering that it has no means of egress.

Clem: It has no means of egress?

Maleficus: That means that there is no way for me to get out.

Clem: I know what it means. So there’s no way to open the door from the inside?

Maleficus: The puny human designers felt that I might be a danger to my coworkers if I was able to open the door myself.

Clem: So if you can’t open the door from the inside, how could Lemmy have gotten back out?

Maleficus: Hmm. Interesting question. He must have left the door open a crack.

Clem: Why the hell would he have done that?

Maleficus: So that he could get back out! Are you listening to the conversation, Dubious Clem?

Clem: So you’re saying that Lemmy-- Lemmy Atom-- let himself into your cage to give you some fried lemming, and had the foresight to leave the door open a crack so he could get back out?

Maleficus: When you put it that way, it does sound unlikely.

Lana: You et Lemmy!

Maleficus: I swear, I did not!

Clem: Well, if he went out for some more sauce, then he should be getting back pretty soon, wouldn’t you say?

Maleficus: And when he does, the two of you will have a four-course meal of Giant Evil Crow to devour.

Clem: Ha!

Lana: Hah!

Clem: What are we laughing at? Poor Lemmy was eaten by a Giant Evil Spider. To all of our listeners... I apologize for the spectacle you’ve had to endure. I hope nobody’s too traumatized by all this.

Lana: It ain’t every day someone gets et by a Giant Evil Spider on live radio.

Maleficus: He was not eaten on live radio!

Lana: No, no, that’s right. ‘e was eaten while the broadcast was focused on the ‘alftime festivities.

Clem: We came back to find his entrails being gnawed.

Maleficus: You did not!

Clem: Oh, thank you, June.

Lana: For the edification of our listeners, our director, June Chrysotas, ‘as informed us that the authorities are on their way.

Maleficus: What authorities?

Clem: The police!

Lana: You ain’t met tough ass-kickin’ cops ‘til you’ve met the Lemco City police.

Maleficus: I cannot be arrested! I am a foreign national!

Clem: Oh, you can be arrested, my Giant Evil maneating friend.

Maleficus: I demand that my embassy be called immediately!

Lana: I don’t think Dire Arachnia’s prolly got an embassy in Lemmitania.

Maleficus: If I am mistreated, there will be hell to pay!

Clem: Someone call the SWAT team! Maleficus is going apeshit!

Lana: ‘e’s threatenin’ to eat us all!

Maleficus: I threatened nothing of the sort! And I am not going ‘apeshit,’ whatever that means.

Lana: Apeshite’s like, all crazy, an’ wotnot.

Maleficus: That sounds more like you delirious humans than it does like me. I am level-headed.

Clem: He’s set to go on a rampage!

Maleficus: You are panicking.

Lana: ‘elp! ‘elp! ‘elp! ‘elp!

Maleficus: Both of you are panicking. And it is not amusing!

Clem: Okay, we’ve got to get ahold of ourselves. He’s right, it’s no use panicking.

Lana: I ain’t panickin’!

Maleficus: You should put that chair down, edib-- er-- Lana.

Clem: He’s right about that, too. There’s no point trying to hit him with a chair, there’s a three-centimeter thick partition protecting him.

Lana: Oh yeh, that’s right. The partition’ll keep us safe.

Clem: You know what? Maybe you should keep that chair ready just in case.

Maleficus: I am not going to break through the partition!

Lana: That’s jus’ wot you want us to think, ain’t it? You-- you-- you Lemmy eater!

Maleficus: I am not a Lemmy eater!

Clem: Then where is he?!

Maleficus: I told you--

Clem: If he was out getting sauce, he’d be back by now! It’s been fifteen minutes!

Maleficus: Closer to half an hour. He’d been gone for some time by the time you returned to the booth.

Clem: He’d been gone down your gullet!

Maleficus: Spiders have no gullet.

Clem: Well, whatever you swallow your food down, then.

Lana: Lemmy ain’t food!

Clem: Sorry. Whatever you swallowed Lemmy down, then.

Maleficus: For the final time, I swallowed Lemmy down nothing, because I never devoured him! Hey!

Clem: Aha!

Lana: Oh, good. For the edification of our listeners, I’ll jus’ mention that the LCPD’s arrived on the scene.

Clem: In riot gear.

Maleficus: There is no need to point those weapons at me!

Lana: I don’t know that they can actually shoot you through the partition, anyhow.

Clem: June, could you show them how to open the cage? Thanks.

Maleficus: I have done nothing wrong!

Clem: Then you’ll be vindicated by the Lemmitanian justice system.

Maleficus: There is no justice for Giant Evil Spiders in Lemmitania!

Clem: How do you know? You’re the only Giant Evil Spider that’s ever been in Lemmitania.

Maleficus: Well, this is true. Very well, I shall come along peaceably. I have no reason not to, having done nothing wrong.

Clem: I just want to inform our listeners that the police have informed us that they’re going to form a dragnet around the area to search for Lemmy, just in case Maleficus didn’t eat him.

Lana: Mebbe they could x-ray ‘im an’ see if Lemmy’s inside.

Clem: I don’t think Lemmy’s gonna be recognizable in there.

Lana: Oh, ‘cause ‘e’s all chewed up an’ digested an’ everything, you mean?

Clem: Let’s not talk about it.

Lana: Poor, poor Lemmy.

Clem: ...

Lana: ...

Clem: So, you want to call the game?

Lana: Not really. You?

Clem: I’m going out for a stiff, stiff drink.

Lana: Yeh, I think I’ll join you.

Clem: For the Lemmtanian Radio Network, this is Clem Gilson and Lana Malestrom saying, we’ve had enough. Look up the final score in tomorrow’s papers.

Lana: ‘night.

http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2633734&highlight=#2633734

Hehe.

http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?p=2633734&highlight=#2633734

Hehe.

an Uruk’Hai with one buttock exposed.......May all your buttocks fit in the chair

I almost fell off my chair!! Great!
(Also to Audio, Lemm, Kings and Ogly - cheers - My 3 hour drive north will now be slighty easier to suffer!!)

This is to inform you that Telegrams have now been sent to all nations involved in matches in groups A-D.

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards

P.S. Telegrams for matches from groups E-H will be sent around this time tomorrow.

***BREAKING NEWS***

DEVELOPING MANHUNT OVERSHADOWED BY THIRD DEATH

Martin Luther King Jr. was died this morning from the wounds he suffered in the terrorist attack on the team bus after their last qualifying match. He leaves behind a wife and four children. The remaining players that were wounded have now all been released and are expected to make full recoveries, even though some may never play another match.

On the suspect front, there is also major news this morning. Authorities have now begun a manhunt for one man, whose name has not yet been released. It is believed that he is currently in the northern part of the country, so anybody residing in that region should be extra careful. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. Police are expected to release a name and description of the suspect within the next day or two.

That's all for now folks. We'll bring you more news as it develops.

ooc: WW - Fantabulous opening ceremony! The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Frost-Free Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38, though he has now returned home, was very glad he attended. :D

Lemmy - "Return with us now to the days of Yesteryear..." 8) *we hear the strains of the william tell overture - over which we also hear "Hiho Silver! Away!")

From the Kangaroo:

Weseydal Wallop Conquers Crazy Colony...
NOW BRING ON BELMORE

Kaze Progressa's third attempt to qualify for the knockout stages of the World Cup was their first not to begin with a meeting with Ravenspire. Instead it was the East Spaamians, in their World Cup debut, were last night's opposition, and fell 1-0 to a wonderfully-taken goal from Craita Weseydal.

The Progressans exploited the possession advantage afforded by their five-man midfield - they had 61% of the first-half possession - but were unable to create the vital opening until Weseydal's thumping 20-yard volley from a Raq Failez corner dipped below the outstretched foot of an East Spaamian defender by the far post, left hopelessly exposed by the goalkeeper.

In the second half, the East Spaamians were constantly kept at bay by the midfield, who showed grit in winning the ball and creativity once they had it. While there were sporadic nervous moments, most of them were related to defenders hallucinating, unused to such haunting surroundings as The Tower. East Spaamian strikers, however, suffered more, and Quaza Garjeno in goal was rarely troubled.

The Progressans will be back here for their next match, against the Belmore Family. It is very likely that this match will determine their fate in the group. The Belmorians play Snub Nose 38 at The Dell this afternoon.*

[OOC note: because I don't know the TBF-SN38 result yet and I have written this for a morning paper, it is assumed that their match was the afternoon after - something that quite frequently occurs in IRL World Cups.)

i double-posted my longest post ever (and that includes Audioslavia's stats)

below = not-all-that-good continuation of the story, i'm a little rusty at the long RP thing

hella-funny stuff :D
brilliant! tho the only reason the 'slave team were talking like pirates is because they were trying to pass themselves off as Warnockians, in a thwarted attempts to not get arrested by the TnUI police.... but you probably got that anyway :)

anyway: Scene II, part II

Lee runs as fast as he can away from the store, stopping only to catch his breath. Lee, absolutely knackered, had ran all of three feet, and had come to a stop against a shiny Harley-Spaamidson motorbike, engraved with the word 'Ted' on the handlebars. Lee re-entered the shop, trying to concentrate on finding Ted's bike-keys amidst the ongoing muffled-bangs from downstairs. 'Fuck' Lee thought, 'he must have them in his pocket'.

Not wanting to run any further, he decides the only way to get the bike, and to get to the team's hotel would be to get Ted's keys from his pocket.

Lee scanned the room, looking for something to pursuade Ted to give his keys up. He picks up a hammer and feels it's weight. Then something else catches his eye, it's a big f**koff baseball bat. Still not good enough. He spies a chainsaw, smiles like a school-kid, and picks it up, before his eyes finally set upon an object on the top shelf. "Hey" Lee thinks, "I recognise that from 'Kill Bill'". It's a super shiny samurai sword. He unsheathed the shiny samurai sword from it's silver sheath, and smiled at the shining silver stabbing-thing.

Lee creeps down the stairs, pausing only to pull a few Bruce Lee stances in front of a mirror. He prized open the door, to see his manager K.B. standing against a wall

K.B.: Lee! dude you escaped?

Lee: umm.. yeah i escaped just now... what were you two doing in here

K.B.: umm... i'd rather not say, he's just gone to the toilet now....

Lee: why are his trousers on the floor?

K.B.: umm.... i... dont... know...

Lee looks at his boss with an eyebrow raised, and fishes in the trouser's pockets for a set of keys. He pulls out a set of keys with the initial 'T' on them.

Lee: brilliant... K.B.... i think we'd better go...

K.B. yes i think we better had....

Lee and K.B. leg it upstairs and out of the door. Lee get's straight on Ted's motorbike and starts the engine up

K.B: umm, i dont think i can ride on a motorbike Lee...

Lee: why not?

K.B.: umm, im finding it kinda difficult to sit down...

Lee: why?

K.B.: ummm... no reason....

Lee: get on you big poof, we need to find our team's hotel

K.B. squeezes on the back of the bike and the two ride off into the city

SCENE III: The Insanician Job

The Audioslavia players watch as their manager/adult porn star K.B. Lravitz is lead off with their captain Lee Branson. A TnUIan toll-bar dude opens the door of their bus and shouts at them

TnUIan Toll-Bar Dude: RIGHT, apparently you lot have a world-cup to play in, well i'm gonna leave you alone then you dirty ASholes

Chris: where are you taking our manager? and our captain?

TnUIan Toll-Bar Dude: im afraid the toll for bus-parties from Audioslavia is four sacrifices. We already shot your driver and your striker, so thats two. The other two we took away will just be buggered.

*The bus-load goes silent, apart from Craig Belmore who doesnt quite understand*

TnUIan Toll-Bar Dude: RIGHT, now once you lot clean up your dead bodies and change the tire that Ted blew out, we'll let you go.

the team get out of the bus and help putting the new tyre on. Chris Jackson and Craig Belmore put the little pieces of Jonny Willow and the bus-driver into a load of Jiffy bags and put them in the bus's glove-compartment. After a while, Matty Pedder gets behind the wheel and drives the bus into TnUI.

Early next morning, the maroon and green bus marauds into TnUI's capital city.

Matty: so... where is our hotel?

Chris: ask the driver

Matty *opening the glove-compartment*: hey driver, which hotel are we staying in?

Jiffy Bag: ...

Matty: answer me you fuck, which hotel are we staying in?

Jiffy Bag:...

Matty: why you fucking arsehole

Matty picks up one of the driver's jiffy bags and throws it accross the bus. It explodes against the window, covering Paul Ward in brains[/i]

Paul: SHIT, aw dude please dont tell me we have to play Zombiemeecia

Matty: shut up Paul... right, so we dont know which hotel we're staying in... right?

Chris: right...

Matty: do you have a map of TnUI

Chris: yeah, i got it tattooed on my bum

Matty *looking at Chris*: what?

Chris: keep your eyes on the road dude

Matty *looking back at the road, but looking a bit scared*: Chris, why did you get a map of TnUI tattooed on your bum?

Chris: the usual reason

Matty: oh... well... could you look at it and tell me where the nearest hotel is? we'll have to go round them all until we find our one

Chris: i can't look at my own ass you idiot, what do you think i am? a poo pirate?

Matty: well...... nevermind.... ok look, were just gon...

Chris (interrupting): i enjoyed being a pirate back there, when we were pretending to be Warnockians, it was cool

Matty: umm.. well yeah thats true

Chris *turning to the rest of the team*: hey guys, do you like being pirates too?

Team (in unison): Y'ARR!!!

Chris: y'arr! HOWS ABOUT WE PILLAGE ANOTHER TEAM'S BUS SO WE CAN STEAL A MAP!!!

Team: Y'ARR!!!

Matty (sighing): i want no part of this

Chris: suit yourself... hey, theres the Kingsford team bus, get after it!

Matty (sighing even more): ok dude, whatever

Matty speeds up, and catches up with the Kingsdfordian bus. After a while, they both get side-by-side and come to a complete halt. The 'slave team jump out of their own bus and start jumping on the roof of the Kingsford bus

Chris (whispering to Paul): hey, i'm gonna pretend to be Lee Branson

Paul: why?

Chris: cos he'll flip when he finds out

Paul: fine dude...

Chris: nice one.... *jumping up and down and scaring the Kingsfordian players* Greetings, whaling vessel. I am The Shiverer of Timbers. Now bow and submit to my mighty wrath. You all are the slaves of Kenny Lravitz, adult film industry star and Audioslavia world cup coach. If you do not obey, I'll shiver your timbers."

gthe sound of the TnUIan police is heard in the background

Chris: Holy f---! It's the Insanican police! CHEESE IT!

the Audioslavian players get back on their own bus, and the bus pulls off

Paul: i dont believe you said 'Cheese It'

Chris: why?

Paul: i wanted to say it

SCENE IV

Lee and K.B. race into the city, stopping at a pretty bar called the "Alan Belmore's Discount Rate Hotel and Hoar House". They go in for a drink, with K.B. fidgeting on his chair like he cant seem to sit down properly. All of a sudden, a screeching of brakes is heard, and the two spin round to see a bus in Kingsfordian colours speed off, pursued slowly by a member of the hotel's staff. The hotel staff's pursuit is halted temporarily, as a big maroon and green bus with blood-stains on the side speeds after the Kingsfordian bus. A police-car is also seen racing after the two buses. Lee and K.B. look at each other, before running back to their motorbike and following the police-car.

When they finally catch up, the Audioslavian bus is long gone, and a couple of Kingsfordian players are seen getting back onto the bus in a hurry. The bus pulls off, with the police-car in hot pursuit. Lee and K.B. follow the Kingsfordian bus.

SCENE V:

Lee and K.B. follow the Kingsfordian bus until it pulls up at a hotel. The two go inside.

Hotel Dude: g'day mate, bonza, welcome ta tha spaaaaaam hotel, can i interest you in a room mate?

Lee: oh fuck, its a Spaamanian... umm is this hotel reserved for the Audioslavian team?

Hotel Dude: naah mate, this is Bedistan's hotel

Lee: oh..... wait but Bedistan didnt qualify

Hotel Dude: what exaaaaactly are you talking about you stupid pom?

Lee: well 'mate' i'm talking about the fact that Bedistan didnt qualify for the world cup, so how can they have a room booked for their world cup team to stay in?

Hotel Dude *having a swig of his can of fosters*: i danaa mate, i aint got a clue, you wanna put another shrimp on tha barbie?

Lee: what?

Hotel Dude: okay mate, this is what i'll do, you can have Bedistaaaan's rooms until their team turn ap... is that a deal or what mate?

Lee: ok dude, hey wheres your toilet?

Hotel Dude: tha dunny?

Lee: what? oh fuck it i'll find it myself

K.B.: i'm gonna go to my room and sleep off this butt-ache

Lee: o...k.... see ya dude

K.B.: tara

exeunt Lee and K.B.

a bus pulls up outside. The remaining members of the Audioslavian team pull up, still in pirate gear

Chris: y'arr, we arr come to pillage ye hotel

Hotel Dude: you what mate?

Paul: he means, 'can we have a room please?'

Hotel Dude: I tell you what mate, we'll give you the same deal as we gave these two other guys, we'll let you have the rooms of the Bedistan players until they get here

Paul: umm.. ok... cheers dude

Hotel Dude: na warries mate

the team disperse, apart from the team assistant-coach, the Aquillan-born Jeff Jefferty (known as 'Aquilla Jeff'. Lee emerges from the toilet and sees his coach.

Lee: dude...

Aquilla: hey Lee, i thought you were being buggered?

Lee: nah, i got away with it

Aquilla: sweet... hey who's motorcycle is that?

Lee: its not a motorcycle, its a chopper

Aquilla: who's chopper is that?

Lee: its Ted's

Aquilla: who's Ted?

Lee: Ted's dead Aquilla-Baby, Ted's dead.

FIN

disclaimer: this was a pretty half-assed attempt at continuing a half-assed story, so it's not meant to be a big Lemmy-esque brilliant piece. Subsequent episodes will be better i promise.... and i promise i wont pillage Quentin Tarrantino films as much :)

*****ASPN WORLD CUP 11 SPECIAL REPORT*****

*through a translucent wc11 logo we see four magnificent goals, followed in quick succession by three stupendous saves, and an incredible tackle. as this is on screen, we hear the now famous, and still obnoxious, aspn theme – still totally inappropriate to a sports show, and as usual, just loud enough to be truly annoying. the theme fades, and the scene segues to the aspn sports desk. behind the desk, mounted on the wall side by side are a snub nose 38 jersey and a belmore family jersey. our intrepid reporter, seated behind the desk, looks up*

World Cup 11 proper, the group stage, got underway today in Warnocks Wizards. The Hooligans faced the side from The Belmore Family in a match at “The Dell” in Warnocks Wizards. The weather would not be a factor today – hardly a breeze, clear skies, and the thermometer fairly steady at 65 degrees (Fahrenheit – 18.3 Celsius). What would be a factor, as it turned out, was a bit of trickery.

The match got underway just a minute or two after the advertised start time. The sides seemed evenly matched, with neither able to gain much of an advantage in terms of possession, or run of play. The two sides each made several well developed and executed attacks, which were turned away by superb defense on both sides. The Belmore Family had a very good chance in the 22nd minute when the Hooligan keeper, Crepe, fell as The Belmore Family drove home one attack. The shot, well taken, was headed off the line by Hooligan Defender Schlep.

*we see a belmore family player cross the ball in from the right, to the far post and just outside the six. a teammate sends it back in, about 10 yards out. Crepe, turning from his left back to the right, seems to trip over his own leg and falls to the ground as a third belmore family player takes a shot. schlep just manages to reach it before it crosses the line, heading it out – where another hooligan clears it.*

A few minutes later, in the 34th, the public address system made the following announcement.

*we see the on-going play on the pitch, and then we hear.*

“Attention please! We have an emergency phone call for a Mr. Alan Belmore! Emergency call for a Mr. Alan Belmore! Mr. Belmore, please report immediately to Main Gate!”

*we see a number of belmore family players pull up short, and two actually leave the field of play. while they almost immediately realized this was some kind of trick, and got back to the match, the tiny moment that the belmore family did not have their full attention on the match was enough for the hooligans. a quick snap shot from 24 yards and a little to the right hooks into the upper left corner – and it’s 1 – 0 hooligans*

The match continued on. The stadium management later announced that an unidentified individual had slipped into the stadium office, past security, made the announcement with the public address system at full, and disappeared before he could be apprehended.

The Belmore Family’s Manager was livid – he had to be physically restrained. But the goal was allowed. After the match the referee noted that it is incumbent upon the players to stay on the pitch and play, no matter what, unless an official blows his or her whistle and stops play. Once again The Belmore Family Manager was restrained. This announcer strongly recommends that the referee not officiate at any further World Cup matches.

The score, at the half, remained 1 – 0. At which time the Hooligan Cheerleaders took the pitch.

*the hooligan cheerleaders, resplendent in their red and blue uniforms (with flak jackets), run onto the pitch, and begin*

“Hooligans, Hooligans, Rah!! Rah!! Rah!!
The Belmore Family won’t go Fah!
Snub Nose 38 Hooligans’, they’re gonna getcha
And send you all packin’, that much we’ll betcha
Alan who? Belmore or Bel-less, get outta hear!!”

*the hooligan cheerleaders are quickly surrounded by belmore family fans, hooligan fans, and stadium security – all of whom are throwing a multitude of vegetables (tomatoes, potatoes, squash, cucumbers, a very large pumpkin, etc), as well as whatever else comes to hand (a kitchen sinkr, two ducks, and, of course, the obligatory goat) at the cheerleaders. after a brief scuffle, the hooligan cheerleaders are, as we’ve come to expect, led off in manacles*

The second half was more than half over before the next goal, which came at the 73rd minute. The Hooligans had a free kick at about 30, and managed to convert.

*we see a hooligan run up to take the free kick, and instead execute a pass across the front of the wall, to a teammate, who strikes the ball into the net with his first touch. the belmore family keeper gets a hand to the ball, but can’t deflect it enough to keep it out.*

Two – nil Hooligans. And that was all she wrote. There were at least four more excellent chances by the Belmore Family, whose play was much better than the score line at the end of the match would indicate. However, they were not able to finish. the final was: THE BELMORE FAMILY 0 – SNUB NOSE 38 HOOLIGANS 2.

*****THIS HAS BEEN AN ASPN WORLD CUP 11 SPECIAL REPORT*****

From the Rather Pessimistic, Pro-Spaam Paper The Spaamanian Belmore-

Hehe!

The Belmore Family were truley outclassed last night by the great Snub Nose 38 Hooligans. The defence was all to pot with no balls being cleared by the defence leaving Pini all out on his own. The first goal went to Ishmael who latched onto Buster's well timed cross after only 20 minutes. The hooligans continued to dominate the match with some stunning saves from Pini all that was keeping the Belmorians in the match. As the sides went in TBF had their heads dropped and were not looking good.

The team looked even worse after Half-time while being booed by the Snubbian Supporters. And from there on it it collapsed, the possesion percentage was about 80% to the Snubbians showing the lack of skill from the Belmorians. So, inevitibly TBF let in another goal to Snub Nose when a free-kick on the edge of the box fell to them. Finster's pass around the Belmorian wall fell straight to Yasarin who easily converted.

FINAL SCORE
SNUB NOSE 38 2
Ishameal (24), Yasirin (73)

THE BELMORE FAMILY 0

Editors Comment-Even sadder than this loss was that our fellow Spaamainians lost 1-0 to Kaze Progressa. Down with the Progressan mwhahahahaha.

Double post!

We are listening to Radio RejisCast, the only english speaking radio station in Rejistania: (Well, at least something like 'english speaking', you always have to take into account, that the speakers are rejistanians. Imagine slow english with a thick chinese accent, to get an idea how it sounds.)

Idine Sala: Hello listeners. You are listening to 'Live from the leagues' ahem, sorry: You are listening to 'Live from the cup', the world cup edition of 'live from the leagues'. I am Idine Sala. Sirake Tekim is for us in Warnocks Wizards, are you Sirake?

Of course I am in Warnocks Wizard, why do you doubt it?

Well, you weren't always live in the stadia during qualification...

I am glad to announce, that all technical difficulties have been sol...
(Sirake is interrupted by noises, which shows that perhaps one or two problems haven't been solved - or a huge mass of them)

Sirake?

Here again! All technical diificulties have been solved. The match will start in a few minutes. I already have the roster information: For the Orange-Blues, Syku Hexen plays in goal. I guess, he is really glad that he does not play on the tower!

Why should he be?

Well, you know perhaps, that Syku Hexen could not play in the first matches of the Cup of harmony, because they were on the tower.

I thought the whole team was afraid, weren't they?

Yes, but Syku Hexen was really afraid! Anyway, the defenders are Sen Ajil, Ji Jen, Kansu "SeJaNil"Kiru, and Kansu Sanan.

SeJaNil? I thought that was Jen Y.

Jen Y is called DaJaNil, not SeJaNil. but yeah, Kiru'he's nick is a parody of DaJaNil. You know that Kiru'he scored more goals in the last year than Jen Y? It refers to this.

Jen Y was injured during large parts of the last league-year!

Well, the KaMaRi-kaletri-fans have a strange sort of humour.

Well, they don't have much to laugh in the league...

I won't comment on that... The Rejistanian midfield is like you expect it: Sil Hilat, Lyku Jaras, Ji Raliu and captain Inik Linkosa. Apparently Hexen Imdila doesn't want to risk anything.

I half expected Hana Kansu to play today, but I can understand Imdila'he's decision to send a more experienced player.

Talking about experience, the forwards are probably the rejistanian players with most international experience: Xeseja "Xese" Su and Syku "SyLy" Lyku. (a short pause) Now for the aquillan roster... (She pronouces it as 'Akujilan')

Well, the country is not called 'akujila'. Didn't you learn to pronounce the name of the opponent?

We had other problems, for example to establish a connection wish will work hopefully for the time of the entire match!

The name is pronounced ak-VI-la, or if you are SyLy: A-ki-la.

Ok, I am just loading the roster... (short pause) (a supressed 'slani' is heard) ahem, I think we have some problems, I can't get the roster!

What does that mean?

I can load the page, but it doesn't make any sense! It is just a combination of letters! (in the background the majuvedian sentence: "Please make this NOT happening!")

Are there any problems with the computer?

If you call this a computer, then there are. But this is... either highly advanced microtechnology or highly advanced magic!

Perhaps the Warnock Wizards don't use the rejistanian character set...

Of course they don't, but this also doesn't make sense in latin characters. I get here something like Nicholas, now I must spell it: Va-da-da-da-da-ri-da

(Idine interrupts)OK, so that is just a strange combination of letters?

Yeah! OK, we skip the akvilan roster. At lest the connection to the studio works fi....

(at this time the connection collapses. If you can understand a rejistanian language, you can tune in another radio station and hear that the match ended 1-2. The rejistanian goal was shot by SyLy in the 37th minute)

Belmorian Scandinavia Fall to Former Champs

Belmorian Scandinavia 0
Liverpool England 5 (Dirosa 3, Christopher 15; 88, <player> og 17, Hearne pen 40)

Dominique Dirosa got the ex-champs off to an excellent start in the first round of the final stages with an early third minute goal, slipping past the midfield and scoring and easy shot which the BeS keeper failed to collect when he really should have. Howard Christopher, in his second last cup, and only one of the two players on the squad to have played with current manger Paul Dussis, managed to get in a tremendous cross-shot fluke goal in the fifteenth minutewhich even Peter Schmeichel would not have stopped.
Two minutes later, there was more disaster as a defender flicked the ball into his own net from a Dirosa cross, making the score 3-0. One would have thought that at this time the Belmorians were ready to give up.

Unfortunately, they weren't. 5 minutes before the break one defender was so committed to the cause he fouled Christopher, and being the last man walked for the foul. Goal keeper Mark Hearne stepped up, and voila, 4-0. Were the Belmorians ready to give up? Yes, so it seemed.

Half Time Score
Belmorian Scandinavia 0 Liverpool England 4

It was a tight second half, with BeS doing all the defending. However, a slip up in the defence with two minutes left to play secured a second for Christopher, and a fifth for the ex-champs.

Full Time
BeS 0 LE 5

Red and White Wizards Victorious

Gators see off Crocs 1-0 at Fortress Warnock to Kick off Tournament in Style

From our news services...

Matchday 1, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–Last night was a historic moment for the National Team. Their first World Cup match, their first victory, their first three points. A second half goal by substitute debutante Skairash the Bald was enough for the Red and White Wizards to defeat friends Tanah Burung in an entertaining game of two halves.

The spectators, clearly still on a high from the previous night’s opening ceremony celebration, greeted the two sides and Tanah Burung’s crocodile mascot and WW mascot Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator with warm, enthusiastic cheer. The positive reception was chilled momentarily when Tanah Burung manager Bi Kikere was introduced. The Uruk’Hai community still remembers the criticism Kikere made of The Shagrat and Gorbag Uruk’Hai Folkdance Troupe during World Cup 9 qualifying when the Tanah Burungian noted that, “Someone ought to beat those things over the head with rocks.” This time to welcome Kikere to Fortress Warnock, a large number of Uruk’Hai in the crowd hurled chilled mango at the opposing manager. Presumably this has to do with the old Uruk’Hai saying: Revenge is a dish best served with chilled mango.

The Red and White Wizards began the match in their attack-minded 4-3-1-2 formation. Manager Ufwurz the Furious made two surprise choices in his starting eleven. Barrow-Downs defender Akhkur the Toothless was handed a last-minute first cap when it was discovered favoured left back Ghaztrak the Gouger injured himself in the pregame warm-up. Veteran Uruk’Hai targetman Globdreg the Destroyer was chosen over the preferred (at least by the media) Ashmazh the Tough. The Tough one did not even warrant a place on Ufwurz’ bench. On Ashmazh’s absence, the Manager was tight-lipped after the match. One can only speculate on the reason(s).

The visiting Crocodiles kicked off the match, and took the game immediately to the host Wizards. Vastly experienced midfielder Canabe Livit marshalled the middle third from the outset. Bublok the Destroyer, while always an enthusiastic battler, did not have the skill to compete with Livit in the early stages. Kareta Api’s through ball sent in young striker Maria Miskita with a clear path on goal. Fortunately for the home side, the inexperienced attacker chipped her effort well over the crossbar.

After the shaky start, the Wizards seemed to be slowly organising themselves. If one did not know better, one would think it was the influence of a wise, ancient Elf that settled the jitters. A new voice was heard emanating from the back: “Forsooth, be strong myne fellowe countreymen. For thyne can overcometh such strife if thou just but stande firme.” Perhaps it wasn’t a wise, ancient elf after all but a recent graduate of New Rivendell University. It seems Globtakh the Timid’s degree in Assertiveness with a minor in Oration is already paying dividends. The back four were composed as never before. Too often is the case, as any Wizard will tell you, of a Warnocks Wizards side beginning a World Cup campaign with a disaster. That was not to be the case on this night. The Timid one dealt with all that was thrown at him. The Tanah Burungians attacked in waves, throwing all they could at the Wizard defense. Globtakh stoned Taur Matan Ruak on a point blank effort, stole the ball from the feet of Zachary Alkatiri, and snatched the ball from a diving Violeta Horta. The Wizards did not register a shot in the first half, but were given a standing ovation as the match official blew for halftime.

After the Tanah Burung Crocodile defeated the football-challenged Arch-Mage Rahzlok in a halftime mascot penalty contest, the two sides retook the field of battle. This time, it was the Red and White Wizards who played as a team possessed. Clearly Manager Ufwurz gave the lads a rollicking at halftime, for they emerged as if deafened by one of those hideous “heavy metal” swordsmiths. No matter, substitute Gromdul the Gasher orchestrated the midfield that Bublok could not. Gasher’s defense-splitting ball found Bagdreg the Mauler who was unfortunate to put his shot just wide of the post. Akhklash the Emaciated then went close a few minutes later, but was denied by the impressive Nino Konis. Sensing the game might be heading for a 0-0 draw, Ufwurz rolled the dice and introduced his two final substitutes in the shape of uncapped debutantes Skairash the Bald and Olkrish the Swift. Attacking midfielder Skairash replaced the rather disappointing Gabdul the Looter. Olkrish replaced the tiring Globdreg. The fresh players kept the pressure on the Crocs and ultimately played a major part in the match winner on 70 minutes.

Bagdreg’s floated ball found the swift Olkrish, who had worked free of woman-marker Silvia Rumbiak. Olkrish nodded the ball down for Skairash, who prepared to shoot and challenge the Tanah Burungian goal. As if by an almost miraculous moment of divine intervention, the sun at that moment emerged from the clouds, radiating off of Skairash’s bald forehead. Goalkeeper Konis was clearly blinded and had no chance to save the Wizard’s timely shot. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards and the home crowd, especially the Uruk’Hai in attendence, went absolutely beserk. The lads desperately held on for the final twenty minutes, capturing their first ever World Cup victory. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 1, Tanah Burung 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Bublok the Destroyer (Gromdul the Gasher 46), Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Gabdul the Looter (Skairash the Bald 64), Globdreg the Destroyer (Olkrish the Swift 64), Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Ufdush the Nasty.

For their next match in Group D, the Red and White Wizards face fellow World Cup newcomers New Montreal States. The game will once again be held at Fortress Warnock.

where are all these results coming from, I don't see Matchday 1 listings in the results thread.

"We won!!!!!"

"Cool."

"Why are you not surprised? I thought we'd never make it! They were tops in qualifying!"

"It's...very good news."

"Somethings wrong. By the way, I found this note..."

hands over scrap of paper with words give margaret extra for win tonight

"Oh, never mind, never mind." *tears up*

"Something is definitely wrong."

where are all these results coming from, I don't see Matchday 1 listings in the results thread.

From what I understand, half the groups got their results TGed today and the other half will get theirs tomorrow. I'm assuming you're in the latter group. ;)

where are all these results coming from, I don't see Matchday 1 listings in the results thread.

From what I understand, half the groups got their results TGed today and the other half will get theirs tomorrow. I'm assuming you're in the latter group. ;)

I see, at least I'm in a group. :wink: (jk)

Ariddia v. New Montreal States


Kim Kim: “It’s a cycle, I tell you.”

Terry Singh: “What’s a cycle?”

Kim: “An up-and-down cycle. Cast us as least good team in a Group of Death, and we come out on top. Predict us as best in a group, and we start losing.”

Singh: “Well, it was almost a draw. If there hadn’t been that second goal in the eightieth minute. . . Mayantar looked really angry at herself for not having stopped that one.”

Kim: “Well, Bond scored a good goal. Anyway. . . what’s this I heard about Giant Spiders and Lemmitanian commentators?”

Singh: “They invited this Giant Evil Spider to comment a match with them. And while the others had their backs turned, it discreetly devoured one of them. Lemmy, I think.”

Kim: “Ugh!”

Singh: “There’s quite a debate, internationally, on what should be done to the Spider. Anyway, I cancelled the invitation I’d sent to one of them to join us today.”

Kim: “You did WHAT?!”

Singh: “Well, I thought it best.”

Kim: “I don’t mind you having cancelled it, I mind you having sent it out in the first place! Wait a second. Look, over there! Why is that Spider coming towards us and waving?”

Singh: “How many legs is it waving?”

Kim: “One. . . two. . . five, I think.”

Singh: “Impressive. How is it keeping its balance?”

Kim: “That’s beside the point! I suggest we get out of here. Quickly, and discreetly. Without hurting its feelings.” *grins and waves back*

Singh: “Dear viewers, we’ll see you all for our next match. Hopefully. . . This was Kim Kim and Terry Singh from Warnocks Wizards, wishing you a healthy arachnophobia. Good night!”

Snippets of columns in two Progressan papers:

Daily Kangaroo
Faiwe Irafma (former Progressan goalscoring machine, since retired from international football but still a tireless ambassador for Progressan sport and for his club Quarua Lakeside - in short, our Alan Shearer.)

The Progressans can be proud of their exceptional performance of late - they will go into the Belmore Family game knowing they have their best chance ever of reaching the knockout stages. Having faced the agony of being genuinely destroyed by One Red Dot knowing the reverse result would have sent us through, I know just how much it will mean to these guys to get that victory over the Belmorians that will almost certainly be enough...

...it now seems increasingly likely that the Progressan co-host bid with Lemmitania will succeed. I am entirely behind this, as I have been all along... our country has notably improved its infrastructure since the last two bids failed, with some genuinely stunning new stadia several of which I have played in during the last season and a highly efficient - and clean - transportation system to link them.

Kaza Morning Express
Jaruna Jaff (right wing back for Kaze Progressa and Kaza X-Teem for 17 years.)

One thing is for certain - this time, the optimism emanating from Kaza Sports Square through the footpaths and alleyways of the city centre and along the railway lines to the rest of the country is both real and justified.

When we played the Belmorians in World Cup 9 qualification, we'd just missed out on co-hosting the finals with the Belmorians and Liverpool England, who in turn had got a respite after a 2-2 draw - two points dropped for them at home - was scrubbed from the records, we were dead angry, and we were ultimately pretty fortunate to beat them. This time, the Progressans go into the match on the back of their longest ever unbeaten run - and perhaps significantly, it is now one game longer than the Belmorian record of 13 games from World Cup 8's qualification and group stages. The Belmorians will know this, and will be afraid. For the first time ever, we go into a match against our local rivals as the favourites.

disclaimer: this was a pretty half-assed attempt at continuing a half-assed story,

NewsFlash
Halfassedstates laywers to investigate a breach of copyright laws by Audioslavia!!! :wink: :wink:

I thought it was a bl00dy good half-assed attempt :!:

And if you were anywhere near me, I would've hit you for the Ted's dead line.... :P

Secret Meeting

Shadowy Figure 1: How go our plans?

Shadowy Figure 2: All is proceeding well.

SF1: The voodoo?

SF2: The Olgethorpian strikers won't know what hit them.

SF1: How about the playing conditions at The Field?

SF2: We made it extra muddy.

SF1: What about the Kingsforders?

SF2: We've added Extrasee to Gesamtkuntswerks water.

SF1: And the ASholes?

SF2: Well let's just say if any of their team scores they won't be living for much longer.

SF1: Excellent.

ooc: please excuse the second-half of this rp, i'm currently doing 'Creative-Writing 1' at uni, and 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' and 'Leon' rank alongside Pulp Fiction as my two favorite things to steal ideas from :)

All of Audioslavia's players are seated in the 'slaves changing rooms, even Jonny Willow, who's jiffy-bag-esque urn is propped up against his old number nine shirt, as i kind of morbid lucky charm. Kenny Lravitz prepares to give his players a team-talk

Kenny: right, listen up... we've been here before right? TnUI in the first round?

Lee: Yeah we know

Kenny: yes i know you know?

Lee: oh, was it a rhetorical question?

Kenny: no...?

Lee: tut, you and your bloody SQI

Kenny: SQI?

Lee (sighing): Spaamanian Question Intonation... the art of making everything you say sound like a question

Kenny: ...but i'm not Spaamanian?

Lee: you must have picked it up from the hotel dude... hows your arse by the way?

Kenny: shut up. anyway, this, as i'm sure youre all aware, is gonna be, how shall i say... 'a toughie'. Just to re-iterate the point i made earlier, this is TnUI, IN TnUI. This is gonna be like the Haarlem Globetrotters playing a game of basketball in front of 20,000 KKK members. AND, theres one other...umm.... slight problem

Paul: whats that?

Kenny: Theres a rumour going round the Audioslavian government that anyone scoring a goal for the 'slaves is going to be assasinated.

Paul: oh...

Kenny: so..... shall we play for a draw?

Paul: umm.... unless we put Jonny up front, he can't be assasinated, he's dead already. Apparently Crystal Palace want to sign him

Kenny: Crystal Palace? Why?

Paul: his lack of a brain, and his newfound ability to run around like a head-less chicken makes him an ideal replacement for Chris Armstrong

Kenny: Fair enough.... right, so... we play for a 0-0... right?

Team: right!

Kenny: right lets hope our 'man in the box' can...

Lee: dont you mean 'ace in the hole'

Kenny: wha? Ace In The Hole? has the guitarist of second-rate RATM clone Skunk Anansie become a woman and joined a second-rate all-girl grunge band?

Lee: wha? no, it's a saying... 'Ace In The Hole'

Kenny: yes... your point? i like 'Man In The Box' better. especially the talk-box solo

Lee: what?

All of a sudden a blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling room, it appears the TnUI side have ran onto the pitch. The TnUIan national anthem, George Michael's 'Faith' is heard at pretty-high volume

Kenny: well, now we'll see if our 'Ace In The Box'... or whatever.... has done his job properly...

All of a sudden, George Michael's 'Faith' fades out, and Limp Bizkit's awful cover-version hits the speakers at Audioslavian volume.

Lee: Limp Bizkit? feeling a little unappreciated? a little anguished? you nu-metal gimp

Kenny: shut up, right guys, go out, and remember... DONT SCORE, OR YOU SHALL BE SCORED UPON

Lee: eww, exactly how are the TnUIans gonna kill us?

Kenny: the same way the tried to kill me, Lee

Lee: .......................ew

Audioslavia's first 11 of Pedder, Branson, Jackson, Harrison, Wilton, Shearer, Lever, Maplin, Ward, Bury and King (in for the 'injured' Willow) trot out onto the pitch. Maplin is struck by a bottle of 'hooch' (a "man's" drink in TnUI) and is substituted before the match even begins. All of the Insane Dome showers the Audioslavian players in hatred and disgust. The referee blows the whistle to begin the match

[i]85 minutes gone. Audioslavia have soaked up a fair bit of pressure, and have had their fair share of chances, all of which... luckily for the 'slaves... falling nowhere near the goal. Then, in the dying seconds, with the TnUI players tiring fast, Audioslavia counter-attack and their stalwart defender John Harrison finds himself on the half-way line with just one Insanician and the goalkeeper between him and the goal. He sets off, out-pacing the TnUIan and bearing down on goal. Remembering his manager's words 'dont score a goal, or you'll be assasinated by Insanicians' he steadies himself, and prepares to aim for the corner flag, from forty-five yards out.

Just as John goes to hit the shot, he slips in dog shit, and swipes wildly at the ball. For five seconds, time went into slow motion, as the ball sailed, curved and dived like a show-off cannonball, slowly moving towards the TnUIan goal as TnUI's goalkeeper backpedalled, and slipped over on a completely different piece of dog shit. He flailed harmlessly, as the ball evaded his reach. John watched helplessly, as his efforts of telekenisis had no effect on the infernal spherical horses head. The ball hit the underside of the bar, the imprint of it's leather shell leaving the writing-on-the-wall on the goalpost. The ball dropped over the line, and the final whistle blew.

No players celebrated. The TnUIan crowd went silent and slowly shuffled out of the stadium. Both sets of players started trudging into the dressing room, as John Harrison slumped on the ground.

'The back of the head' he thought. 'They always shoot you in the back of the head. You never know when they would kill you, but a few seconds before and it ought to be possible to guess.'

John sat there, expecting the bullet any second. For any second amount of time, it didnt arrive, and John found himself picking himself up, dusting himself down, and walking himself around to the tunnel. Again, time went in slow motion. If he could get to the dressing room and surround himself with witnesses, they couldnt get him.

He started walking down the tunnel, staring at the bright light of the Audioslavian dressing room, with his team-mates sharing nervous smiles with each other. He kept walking. A TnUIan police officer entered the tunnel behind him, started walking faster, and slowly and silently gained ground on John as he gravitated towards the light at the end of the tunnell. The light got closer and closer... close enough to touch, as the Insanician pulled the trigger.

John spun round to see a bemused TnUIan holding flag with 'BANG' written in large letters in it. The flag was attatched to a toy gun.

John: what the?

TnUIan: damn, bloody Lemmitanian engineering

John: hahahahahahhahahahahhaaha

The TnUIan - more than a little bit pissed off - looked at John's ugly face as he laughed his ass off. He poked John in the eye with the flag and gave him a wedgie, causing the hapless AShole to faint.

John awoke in a black room. It surprised him that he wasn't bound to anything, but the sillhouettes (sp?) of two big guys in suits next to the door told him now would not be a good time to stretch his legs. The door opened, revealing a blinding white light from the corridor which caused John to have to do that annoying blinkey-hurtey thing which you have to do when you have to get up to go to the toilet at 3 in the morning. An officer, smartly dressed in dark green and with plenty of badges and medals lining his shirt, walked casually into the room and sat opposite John. He motioned towards a hole in the corner of the ceiling, and a faint light filled the centre of the room. John saw the officer's old, weathered face, as the officer sat down and stroked his white beard.

Officer: Mr. Harrison.... we've been tracing you for... some... time... now.... Mr. Harrison.. hmm.. yes.... hmmm.. yes we have..... some... time..... it appears.... hmm...

John: are you Agent Smiff?

Officer: no, Agent Smiff is off-duty, i have aquired his... hmm.... demeanour and... hmm.... speech... while he is away with his associates.....

John: who are Agent Smiff's associates?

Officer: normally i wouldnt... tell.... an AShole such a thing, but seeing as you arent.... going anywhere.... hm... i may as well tell you. Agent Smiff is away with Agent Cline and Agent Beecham.

John (failing to hide a smirk): ohk..... and you are Agent.....

Officer (dropping the accent): as you should have understood by my uniform, i am not an agent, i am an officer, a Colonel in fact.

John: and your name is?

Colonel: Sanders.

John: so, Mr. Sanders...

Mr. Sanders: Colonel Sanders, please...

John: so... Colonel Sanders... what do you want with me? do you expect me to talk??

Colonel Sanders: No Mr. John! I expect.......... you.......... to........ die.

John: oh..... bummer. Well *kicking his feet up* if your gonna kill me, at least give me a cigarette

Colonel Sanders (taking a cigarette out of his pocket and offering it to John): of course comrade

John (taking the cigarette and lighting it): cheers. So. Kill me. Now.

Colonel Sanders (taken aback): kill you? now?

John (moving closer to the Colonel): Whats the matter Colonel Sanders?................. chicken?

Colonel Sanders looks unimpressed, and leaves the room along with the two guards. He closes and locks the door behind him, leaving John to smirk and smoke his cigarette, as the room slowly fills with a foul-smelling gas. John grimaces, chokes, and falls to the floor. He hears the Colonel walking away with his two guards.

'Two down... twenty to go....'

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!

The bus rounded the corner, cutting down twenty Insanican citizens or so, and broadsiding a pink limo, causing it to roll and land upside down in the ocean.

Jon Swift: We better find somewhere to go, before the entire Insanican police force chases us.

Desypar: Jon, Officer Butkis is the entire police force. He's also the president, star striker, national side coach, field hockey coach, star field hockey player, and reporter.

Anil Patel: Wait.. you mean...

Desypar: Yes. Butkis is at the level of... Alan Belmore.

Several screams are heard at the mention of the name.

Desypar: Wait.. there's something I have to do.

He climbs up on the roof and kicks a football towards the general direction of the stadium.

Uli Sedakoi: Are we at our hotel yet?

Desypar: To tell you the truth, we didn't book one. We never do.

Sedakoi: Never?

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: So like, when we--

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: But what abou--

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: Not even wh--

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: --

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: I didn't say anything that time.

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: Aw crap, he's broken.

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: Anyone have a 2x4?

Jon Swift: I'll check the gun rack.

He walks to the back of the tour bus, opening what you would think would be the bathroom, and upon opening, it is filled with guns.

Swift: Nope, fresh out.

Desypar: Never.

Sedakoi: It's getting worse!

Desypar: Never Ever.

Sedakoi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Desypar: Never Ever.

Patel: Here, use this fish.

Anil Patel hands Uli a large trout. Uli right clicks on Desypar's name and goes down to slap.

Uli Sedakoi slaps Desypar around a bit with a large trout.

Desypar: What was that?

Patel: A crappy IRC reference. What else?

Desypar shakes his head and wipes the gills off his face, before he looks out the back window to see something was wrong.

Desypar: Uh oh! The Belmorian Police have joined Officer Butkis in our pursuit!

Three rusted out Ford Broncos swirving back and forth over the road had joined the bright pink VW bug, with "Take me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver blaring as sirens and some guy on top waving around a bucket of gasoline and a Mr. Bic lighter, making sporadic explosions as flashing lights.

Patel: Wait... in the War on Errorism, we had a tactic that spun the Belmorians out of control. I need to get on the roof.

Desypar: Go for it, whatever works.

Patel eventually climbed up on the roof and was holding up a sign. Pictured on it was a map of "the belmorian counties" (West Virginia). The drivers all seemed to hold a sign of pride in their hearts. Then, he took out a lighter, and lit it on fire. The drivers were so aghast, they swirved out of control, going into the lake, as well as knocking officer Butkis into the lake too.

Desypar: That was easy.

Patel: But now we have to get to the match!

James Fick: CHEESE IT!

At hearing that, the Driver floored it, and they arrived at the stadium with 89 minutes played. the opponents, Getsumta... Getsamtunk... Get some of that old time rock and roll, had managed to knock the ball in once in all their raged hot flashes. Just as the Kingsford side took the field, the ball Desypar kicked earlier in this poorly written segment went passed the goalie, ending the game at a 1-1 draw.

Swift: But where do we sleep!?!?!?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?


BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

To be continued...

MANHUNT CLOSE TO CULPRIT

In a brief press conference held this evening, Information Minister John Williams announced that the police were closing in on the culprit who fired at the Praying2God Warriors team bus after their last game in World Cup XI. He refused to give out any information on the suspect until they had apprehended him. We'll bring you that news when we get it.

FLASHBACK:

“It’s a corner, Phoot heads it in, and the Zucchinis 1 up early…Urk takes a shot, through 2 defenders’ legs, and it beats the keeper, 2-0 to the Zucchinis…Kerrnigit over the ball, and the shot blistering into the top of the net, 3-0…Urk through here on a weaving run, and he rounds the keeper, a simple tap in for a comprehensive 4-0 win over Squorneshelous…”
- World Cup 10 Group A

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/squornshelous.jpg

World Cup 11 - Group G:
Giant Zucchini vs Squornshelous:
Post Match Report

10-man Giant Zucchini and Squornshelous battled to a tempestuous draw in Dorien Park, Total n Utter Insanity. Despite a hatful of chances and fouls, neither team could claim the three points. Giant Zucchini, who played for over an hour a man short after Urk was sent off, had the greater possession and territorial claim, but Squornshelous were continually dangerous on the break. The teams battled with grit to try to get into the Group G reckoning, but they are both stuck with just a point from the match.

Giant Zucchini came out of the gate looking like a team with their backs against the wall. They dominated possession early and pushed forward into the attack, but clear scoring chances were hard to come by.

Giant Zucchini had to make an adjustment to their defence when Humm came up lame with an injury. Throck was substituted in and slid into Humm’s central position (16’).

Though Squornshelous had trouble keeping the ball in the Zucchinis’ end of the field, they had the first good look at goal when they broke free down the left wing and crossed into the box. The shot from 20 metres took a deflection off a defender, but it was not enough to completely wrong-foot Oog, who saved it with his foot (18’).

The outlook for Giant Zucchini took a turn for the worse when they suddenly found themselves playing with 10 men. Urk was whistled for a studs-up tackle, and the referee showed the Marauding striker a red card (26’).

Giant Zucchini very nearly opened the scoring despite the disadvantage, when Kerrnigit fired a curling right-footed free kick from 20 metres off the right post (35’).

Squornshelous had two chances early in the second half. They took the ball on a run down the left and had a shot blocked by Oog. The rebound came right back to Squornshelous, which shot right at Oog again from a tough angle (52’).

Squornshelous’ next chance was even better and it came just seconds later. They got loose on a break and dribbled around Oog, who had come well off his line, but could not steer the shot from a tight angle into the empty net (52’).

Then Giant Zucchini went on the attack, with Phoot’s powerful shot from 15 metres saved well by Squornshelous goalkeeper (56’). The next minute, Squornshelous beat a defender at the other end and drove a low shot straight to Oog, something that had become a theme of the evening for the Squornshelans (57’).

Giant Zucchini tested Squornshelous when Kerrnigit fired a curling free kick from just outside the area at the far post, but the Squornshelan keeper was up to the task, diving to his left to push the ball wide (69’). Then in stoppage time, Phoot found space in the box, but the defence closed in on him before he could get his shot away (91’).

Squornshelous came right back getting free on the break, but the shot was blasted off of Oog’s left leg (92’).


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 0


Squornshelous - 0


Man of the Match: Oog

This is to inform you that results have now been sent by telegram to all nations involved in World Cup matches in Warnocks Wizards (groups A-D).

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards

World Cup Losing streak continues for Eauz

Total n Utter Insanity - Making it to their 2nd ever showing in the World Cup, Les Bleus started off the Cup playing against Dark Outcasts at Castle Rock Stadium in Total n Utter Insanity. Unfortunatly, though, Les Bleus were un able to pull off a win against the Dark Outcasts, losing 2 - 0. "We just didn't have our hearts in it, and were not playing at our potential. Maybe it was the long period of waiting", said the Coach. Les Bleus MUST win the next match in order to have a chance at qualifying, and it comes against a tough team in Oglethorpia. The coach replied about the next match saying... "You know, we have played tough, teams before, and beaten them, it's nothing new. In the Qualifying round, we did lose to the #1 team, but also we came back on the home turf of that #1 team, and we drew a tie with them. I'm hoping we can either win, or draw a tie against Oglethorpia." This next match though will be a decider for both these teams, seeing as if one wins, the other is eliminated, and if there is a tie, it will leave life for both of them.

[code:1:b2cb84a043]
Group Phase, Matchday Three
Oglethorpia v. Dark Outcasts @ Ogle’s Doom
The Lowland Clans v. Eauz @ Castle Rock

[/code:1:b2cb84a043]

***BREAKING NEWS!!!!!*** :D :D :D

TERRORIST CAUGHT!!!

It has just been announced by Information Minister John Williams that the terrorist has been caught. He showed pictures of the location where they found him, in a little eight foot deep hole, by himself with no weapons on him. The report states that after several minutes they got him to confess to the terrorist attack on the soccer team's bus. They say his name is Adolf Hitler, but the authorities are checking to see if that is a fake name to hide a previous record. The country will be able to sleep in peace tonight. Hitler's (assuming that is his real name) trial will commence within the week. It is assumed that his lawyer will argue for a not guilty by reason of insanity verdict.

***BREAKING NEWS!!!!!*** :D :D :D

TERRORIST CAUGHT!!!

It has just been announced by Information Minister John Williams that the terrorist has been caught. He showed pictures of the location where they found him, in a little eight foot deep hole, by himself with no weapons on him. The report states that after several minutes they got him to confess to the terrorist attack on the soccer team's bus. They say his name is Adolf Hitler, but the authorities are checking to see if that is a fake name to hide a previous record. The country will be able to sleep in peace tonight. Hitler's (assuming that is his real name) trial will commence within the week. It is assumed that his lawyer will argue for a not guilty by reason of insanity verdict.

Lynnwoode Chronicle

LYNNWOODE(AP)- Following the Announcement that the Lynnwoodian national team was picked to play Mattigool in the World Cup, Thousands of Fans sporting orange and black jerseys marched through the streets yesterday.
"I'm confident we can win." Said head coach Bernard Parent. "we have a good group of guys that have a lot of heart. Mattigool is an excellent team, but I'm confident we can pull through."
"[We] Definitely have a chance." Said Lynnwoode midfielder Jack Evans. "I would love to see the Lynnwoode Flyers get the recognition we deserve."
The parting went on for many hours, following a rendition of the Team song, "Fly, Flyers Fly".

Lynnwoode Chronicle

LYNNWOODE(AP)- Following the Announcement that the Lynnwoodian national team was picked to play Mattigool in the World Cup, Thousands of Fans sporting orange and black jerseys marched through the streets yesterday.
"I'm confident we can win." Said head coach Bernard Parent. "we have a good group of guys that have a lot of heart. Mattigool is an excellent team, but I'm confident we can pull through."
"[We] Definitely have a chance." Said Lynnwoode midfielder Jack Evans. "I would love to see the Lynnwoode Flyers get the recognition we deserve."
The parting went on for many hours, following a rendition of the Team song, "Fly, Flyers Fly".

Inside the dressing room at the Insane Dome, TnUI. Audioslavia have just beaten TnUI 1-0, but their goalscorer and mainstay defender has disappeared. The rumour appears to be true, and the TnUI FBI (Federation of Bloody Idiots ;)) has made good on their word; that any Audioslavians to score against TnUI would be assasinated

Lee: so John's gone then?

Kenny: yeah, no sign of him

Lee: First Johnny, then John. Who next?

Chris: do we have anyone called 'Jo'?

Lee: i dont think so

Kenny: he's right, we wouldnt let anyone with a girl's name play for the 'slaves anyway

the player's heads turn to look at Nandy Yale. Nandy looks back at them, with one of those 'i'm seven foot tall dude' looks. Most of the team suddenly find that they have something under their nail.

Lee: what about Jonny Dexter?

Kenny: he's got the flu hasnt he? he's been holed up in his room since we got here, anyway, i doubt that the TnUIans are stupid enough to kill us in alphabetical order.

Lee: but they are stupid enough to think that the alphabet begins with 'J'

Kenny: true.... have you got Jonny Dexter's number?

Lee (getting his phone out): yeah one sec

Lee dials Jonny's number. A stern voice answers

Phone: Agent Sculder of the TnUFBI, how may i help you?

Lee: hi, i'd like to speak to Jonny Dexter please

Phone: OK, please hold

Lee tuts at the 'on hold' muzak

Phone: hello, you wanted to speak to Mr. Dexter?

Lee: yes, is he there?

Phone: no, i'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now, he's being detained

Lee: you mean he's in bed?

Phone: yes... yes thats exactly what i mean. he's taking a big long sleep

Lee: oh... ok, thanks anyway

Phone: thats quite ok, oh... could you tell Kenny Lravitz that 'he's next'? thankyou

Lee: ok will do, thankyouverymuch, bye

Phone: bye

Lee hangs up

Kenny: well?

Lee: he's still in bed

Kenny: well thats a relief, i want him to be on the bench for the Runaway Moose match

the players get changed and head out to the team bus. Matty Pedder gets behind the wheel. Lee gets a phone call

Lee: Hello?

Phone: ***************

Lee: yeah i've seen 'Speed', its cool

Phone: *************

Lee: what boat?

Phone: *******?

Lee: no we aren't on a boat

Phone: **... ********?

Lee looking around and out the window: yes im sure, theres tarmac and everything

Phone: **** **********

Lee: ok b...... (putting phone down) he hung up

Paul: what was that about?

Lee: he said something about 'watching the wrong Speed'

The players settle down on the coach as it drives down a motorway over-looking the sea

Chris: hey, a boat

Paul: where?

Chris: there, heading for that light-house

Paul: it's going fast

Chris: tell me about it, it's gonna crash in a minute

Paul: woooaah....

Chris: cool! you see those pretty shapes the engine made as it caught fire?

Paul: yeah....

the bus stops outside the hotel. Kenny gets off and is shot in the face by a pissed-off looking TnUIan

Paul: .....OH MY GOD, YOU KILLED KENNY

Chris: YOU BASTARD!

Kenny: ow :(

TnUIan: well i did warn you

Chris: WHEN?

TnUIan: i told your mate when i rang him

Lee: oh SHIT yeah, umm, Kenny dude... apparently the TnUIans are gonna kill you next, sorry man i probably should have mentioned it before

Kenny: ....

Lee: oh, he's dead

TnUIan: yeah i killed him

Lee: damnit. who's next then?

TnUIan: Steve Maplin, where is he?

Lee: he's in hospital, got hit by a bottle

TnUIan: which hospital?

Chris: its the..

Lee (interrupting): he's been taken to a hospital in TBF

TnUIan: ok, cheers mate

Lee: no worries, like, ta-ta dude

TnUIan: ta-ta

The players get off the bus and enter the hotel. Kenny's remains are put in a big jiffy bag

to be continued...

A man stood in the doorway, a saxiphone in hand.

His shillouette was contrasted by a glint, a glimmer of hope, for his black figure held that shining brass saxiphone.

Slowly, he moved the instrument to his lips. the reed tightly held on by the plastic mouthpiece and it's glaring metal screws, yet the reed stood strong in it's smooth wooden appeal. He took a deep breath. The air passed over the reed and through the saxiphone. It's unconditional wail rang, so both sides of the door could hear it's musical complaints. The sad, miry notes dragged themselves out, each telling the sad, sad story of some faceless person in a nameless place.

The two worlds on either side of the door were the othello of eachother. One was a cruel world where neutrality would get you killed. The imposing buildings glared down from the figureless windows of their many stories. An uncontrollable vibe came down their cracked brick sides to the crumbling sidewalk, and out onto the blood stained street. This place was devoid of comfort and warmth. No man would desire to dwell here.

Yet, hope still held it's head high for this place. Through the door, where the man and his saxiphone made their post, laughing out their pains, sorrows, broken promises, laughing them out as one entity, as one figure, as one being.

But those streets and buildings held no force tonight, their inhabitants gone out of that dark world, and one by one through the door, crowding the place with nothing but hollow hopes and dry dreams. On one child's face, a grin holding hope, for he yearned to partake in what he was viewing, he wanted, no, he needed to be down there, with the whole city looking down at him, watching his every move. But that hope would be shattered and broken, and this child would become a nobody, just like everyone else in that dire city and the weary county. And the saxiphone still blared on, moaning and groaning it's troubles away on the flats and sharps that the man produced.

And thousands filled that place of hope, on the flip side of the door. Like the man who had just lost his job, and was trying to relieve his mind of his troubles and pain in this rediculous spectacle. The woman whose husband beat her nightly, and she was just trying to do her job as a columnist for the local paper that no one read, and she was insulted by the bird whose cage her hard work, her devotion poured out on a gray piece of newsprint, lined. Or, even further, the man who sat in plain view of the thousands of thousands of people, yet no one cast their gaze on him. His past teemed with glory, but this dark city snuffed all that because someone better than him had taken his place, not only his physical place, but the place in the myriad of spectators' hearts. And when they cheered his name, when they applauded his performance, the man loathed him. And they all released their pains in different ways, yet they were all channeled through the man's lungs into that shiny beacon of forgotten dreams, his saxiphone.

But was there any hope in this city of death? This place seemed to provide it, bearing thousands and thousands of lights held aloft for all to see, making familiar patterns with unfamiliar undertones. The numbers and letters in this shifting marquee were destined to provide some hope, but did they matter? Would those numbers matter when the tax collecters repossessed his house? Would those numbers matter when she was hit over and over again? Would those numbers matter when following his name were a march of zeros? When put in perspective, one would denounce it. But yet, as so many people had said before, those numbers, their glaring presence cast above the tens of thousands in that hollow faux hope, were the best thing that happened to the city.

And the man played his final note. It's long, drawn out crying had ended. He moved the mouth piece out of his mouth. The reed was cracked, and dripping with his saliva. To be used to produce something so impressive seemed almost ironic at its distruction. It seemed, then, like too much pain had been poured from the door and into the man's mouth. He took too much of it and put too much of it through the gleaming woodwind cavern. And now, the reed was destroyed. Destroyed by all that pain, all that hate, all that worry, all that sorrow.

And the man hated them for it.

The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

100th Match Proves a Bore Despite Hype

REJISTANIA - It was much to be celebrated on the Red Dot side as the Wolves prepare to play their 100th international match. However it ended up a flop as both sides defended a tad too well to bring the final score to a 0-0 draw. Most of the fans claim that they were 'ripped off' as the match was 'not value for money'. The One Red Dot Ministry for Consumer Protection is looking into this matter.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

One Red Dot Set to Play in Warnocks Wizards. 2 Old Rivals Provides Excellent Showdown

One Red Dot has been drawn into Group B along with 2 familiar teams: #5 Ravenspire and #10 Liverpool England and a relatively new team: Belmorian Scandinavia. Many betting services have said their puters are betting on Ravenspire and Liverpool England but the Red Dot Wolves are willing to do their best to make the punters lose their money.

Ravenspire has been a hot favourite these past few cups and their presence in the World Cup seems to be quite permanent. One Red DOt ahs faced Ravenspire 4 times, once in WC4 and 10, and twice in WC6. The results have been undulating with 1 wins, a draw and a lost, so the next result would not be so predictable.

Liverpool England has become a sudden favourite these past few cups and has made a prominent mark in the World Cup after claming the Cup in WC8. One Red Dot has faced Liverpool England 3 times and all in WC9. All 3 matches, however, ended up in defeat.

Belmorian Scandinavia have participated in 2 World Cups and both suffered in non-qualification, but this time has shown success. Analysts say that this might be an easy win for the Wolves.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

Red Dot Wolves Fall to the Ravens at The Citadel

NEW OSGILIATH, WARNOCKS WIZARDS - A clash of old rivalry has been done but only one victor has appeared. Ravespire let their claws loose when they showed what a high-ranking team could do. Although the One Red Dot team did well in overall, it was the Ravenspire lone goal which determine the winner at the end of the match. The score was left at 1-0 in the end.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

Belmorian Scandinavia Fall Flat at The Grasslands, Elimination Follows

ROHAN, WARNOCKS WIZARDS - It was an easy win for the Wolves as they savaged through the lines of the BS side. However, certain overconfidence proved deadly for the Red Dottian players. The score ended up only 1-0 and many say that the Red Dot team could be failing in their technique.

Essential World Cup Information

Table for Group 2:
[code:1:faf6a993d1]
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
*Liverpool England 1 1 0 0 5 0 5 3
*Ravenspire 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 3
One Red Dot 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
Belmorian Scandinavia 2 0 0 2 0 6 -6 0
[/code:1:faf6a993d1]
*The LE-Ravenspire match is still unknown at this point.

The next match against Liverpool England will decide it all. Although many have predicted One Red Dot fall, Head Coach Alvin Ker say taht there is still a chance in defeating them.

ORD World Cup Record:
[code:1:faf6a993d1]
World Cup WC4 WC5 WC6 WC7 WC8 WC9 WC10 WC11
Matches Played 9 10 17 13 13 17 7 16

Wins 3 5 9 9 6 8 4 10
Draws 3 0 7 1 2 4 1 5
Losses 3 5 1 3 5 5 2 1

Goals For 9 17 31 31 22 24 14 28
Average GF 1.00 1.70 1.82 2.38 1.69 1.41 2.00 1.75
Goals Against 10 16 16 9 19 19 11 6
Average GA 1.11 1.60 0.94 0.69 1.46 1.12 1.57 0.36
Goal Diff. –1 +1 +15 +22 +3 +5 +3 +22
Average GD -0.11 +0.11 +0.88 +1.69 +0.23 +0.29 +0.43 +1.38

Total Matches 9 19 36 49 62 79 86 102

Acc. Wins 3 8 17 26 32 40 44 54
Acc. Draws 3 3 10 11 13 17 18 23
Acc. Losses 3 8 9 12 17 22 24 25

Accumulated GF 9 26 57 88 110 134 148 176
Ave. Acc. GF 1.00 1.37 1.58 1.80 1.77 1.70 1.72 1.73
Accumulated GA 10 26 42 51 70 89 100 106
Ave. Acc. GA 1.11 1.37 1.17 1.04 1.13 1.13 1.16 1.04
Accumulated GD -1 0 +15 +37 +40 +45 +48 +70
Ave. Acc. GD -0.11 0 +0.42 +0.76 +0.65 +0.57 +0.58 +0.69

Average Opp. Rank# 20.50 13.00 21.33 25.40 41.80 26.29 16.86 26.00
Highest Opp. Rank 12 5 8 7 21 1 1 4
Lowest Opp. Rank# 30 26 50 52 68 79 50 50

Pre-Match Rank - 27 30 22 16 29 29 20

#Newbie ranks are excluded.
*Rounding-ups/downs may cause calculative errors in the table.[/code:1:faf6a993d1]

The match against Liverpool England at The Grasslands in Rohan, Warnocks Wizards will be broadcast on Channel 7. The broadcast will be telecast live and then another will be broadcast 5 hours later due to time zone differences.

The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

100th Match Proves a Bore Despite Hype

REJISTANIA - It was much to be celebrated on the Red Dot side as the Wolves prepare to play their 100th international match. However it ended up a flop as both sides defended a tad too well to bring the final score to a 0-0 draw. Most of the fans claim that they were 'ripped off' as the match was 'not value for money'. The One Red Dot Ministry for Consumer Protection is looking into this matter.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

One Red Dot Set to Play in Warnocks Wizards. 2 Old Rivals Provides Excellent Showdown

One Red Dot has been drawn into Group B along with 2 familiar teams: #5 Ravenspire and #10 Liverpool England and a relatively new team: Belmorian Scandinavia. Many betting services have said their puters are betting on Ravenspire and Liverpool England but the Red Dot Wolves are willing to do their best to make the punters lose their money.

Ravenspire has been a hot favourite these past few cups and their presence in the World Cup seems to be quite permanent. One Red DOt ahs faced Ravenspire 4 times, once in WC4 and 10, and twice in WC6. The results have been undulating with 1 wins, a draw and a lost, so the next result would not be so predictable.

Liverpool England has become a sudden favourite these past few cups and has made a prominent mark in the World Cup after claming the Cup in WC8. One Red Dot has faced Liverpool England 3 times and all in WC9. All 3 matches, however, ended up in defeat.

Belmorian Scandinavia have participated in 2 World Cups and both suffered in non-qualification, but this time has shown success. Analysts say that this might be an easy win for the Wolves.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

Red Dot Wolves Fall to the Ravens at The Citadel

NEW OSGILIATH, WARNOCKS WIZARDS - A clash of old rivalry has been done but only one victor has appeared. Ravespire let their claws loose when they showed what a high-ranking team could do. Although the One Red Dot team did well in overall, it was the Ravenspire lone goal which determine the winner at the end of the match. The score was left at 1-0 in the end.


The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

Belmorian Scandinavia Fall Flat at The Grasslands, Elimination Follows

ROHAN, WARNOCKS WIZARDS - It was an easy win for the Wolves as they savaged through the lines of the BS side. However, certain overconfidence proved deadly for the Red Dottian players. The score ended up only 1-0 and many say that the Red Dot team could be failing in their technique.

Essential World Cup Information

Table for Group 2:
[code:1:5e5a6f067e]
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
*Liverpool England 1 1 0 0 5 0 5 3
*Ravenspire 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 3
One Red Dot 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
Belmorian Scandinavia 2 0 0 2 0 6 -6 0
[/code:1:5e5a6f067e]
*The LE-Ravenspire match is still unknown at this point.

The next match against Liverpool England will decide it all. Although many have predicted One Red Dot fall, Head Coach Alvin Ker say taht there is still a chance in defeating them.

ORD World Cup Record:
[code:1:5e5a6f067e]
World Cup WC4 WC5 WC6 WC7 WC8 WC9 WC10 WC11
Matches Played 9 10 17 13 13 17 7 16

Wins 3 5 9 9 6 8 4 10
Draws 3 0 7 1 2 4 1 5
Losses 3 5 1 3 5 5 2 1

Goals For 9 17 31 31 22 24 14 28
Average GF 1.00 1.70 1.82 2.38 1.69 1.41 2.00 1.75
Goals Against 10 16 16 9 19 19 11 6
Average GA 1.11 1.60 0.94 0.69 1.46 1.12 1.57 0.36
Goal Diff. –1 +1 +15 +22 +3 +5 +3 +22
Average GD -0.11 +0.11 +0.88 +1.69 +0.23 +0.29 +0.43 +1.38

Total Matches 9 19 36 49 62 79 86 102

Acc. Wins 3 8 17 26 32 40 44 54
Acc. Draws 3 3 10 11 13 17 18 23
Acc. Losses 3 8 9 12 17 22 24 25

Accumulated GF 9 26 57 88 110 134 148 176
Ave. Acc. GF 1.00 1.37 1.58 1.80 1.77 1.70 1.72 1.73
Accumulated GA 10 26 42 51 70 89 100 106
Ave. Acc. GA 1.11 1.37 1.17 1.04 1.13 1.13 1.16 1.04
Accumulated GD -1 0 +15 +37 +40 +45 +48 +70
Ave. Acc. GD -0.11 0 +0.42 +0.76 +0.65 +0.57 +0.58 +0.69

Average Opp. Rank# 20.50 13.00 21.33 25.40 41.80 26.29 16.86 26.00
Highest Opp. Rank 12 5 8 7 21 1 1 4
Lowest Opp. Rank# 30 26 50 52 68 79 50 50

Pre-Match Rank - 27 30 22 16 29 29 20

#Newbie ranks are excluded.
*Rounding-ups/downs may cause calculative errors in the table.[/code:1:5e5a6f067e]

The match against Liverpool England at The Grasslands in Rohan, Warnocks Wizards will be broadcast on Channel 7. The broadcast will be telecast live and then another will be broadcast 5 hours later due to time zone differences.

You're not signong any more

TBF recorded one of their best ever World Cup victories ever against Kaze Progressa Earlier this morning with Price, Smith and Belmore all getting on the score sheet.

Kaze Progressa got the first goal when Maurto's diving header from a lackluster coner left the TBF team in dispair. But the team did not let their heads drop and continued to battle back and finally managed an equiliser on the 42nd minute when Daniel Price bustled his way into the box and producing a fine shot to beat the keeper and keeping TBF in the game.

After the break TBF looked much more spirited than Kaze Progressa and were ready to kick ass. This was shown when Daniel Price took a stunning Free kick that lobbed right over the down hearted keeper. Then TBF hung on for their survivial in World Cup 11. Spirited defence from the Belmorian defenders kept the Belmorians one-nil until the 82nd when Smith was tripped in the box. The ref pointed straight to the spot to the sever disapproval of the Progressans. Smith decided that this was his turn to add to World Cup glory as he placed the penlty above Feaka's diving body. As if that wan't enough Fimion Belmore took the match to 4-1 when his fancy footwork took him 1-on-1 with the keeper then, with a quick twirl TBF had sealed an historic victory.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 4
Price (42, 47) Smith (82 pen) Belmore (89)

KAZE PROGRESSA 1
Maurto (5)

You're not signong any more

TBF recorded one of their best ever World Cup victories ever against Kaze Progressa Earlier this morning with Price, Smith and Belmore all getting on the score sheet.

Kaze Progressa got the first goal when Maurto's diving header from a lackluster coner left the TBF team in dispair. But the team did not let their heads drop and continued to battle back and finally managed an equiliser on the 42nd minute when Daniel Price bustled his way into the box and producing a fine shot to beat the keeper and keeping TBF in the game.

After the break TBF looked much more spirited than Kaze Progressa and were ready to kick ass. This was shown when Daniel Price took a stunning Free kick that lobbed right over the down hearted keeper. Then TBF hung on for their survivial in World Cup 11. Spirited defence from the Belmorian defenders kept the Belmorians one-nil until the 82nd when Smith was tripped in the box. The ref pointed straight to the spot to the sever disapproval of the Progressans. Smith decided that this was his turn to add to World Cup glory as he placed the penlty above Feaka's diving body. As if that wan't enough Fimion Belmore took the match to 4-1 when his fancy footwork took him 1-on-1 with the keeper then, with a quick twirl TBF had sealed an historic victory.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 4
Price (42, 47) Smith (82 pen) Belmore (89)

KAZE PROGRESSA 1
Maurto (5)

You are listening to Radio RejisCAST

Hejida, I am Idine Sala and you are listening to 'live from the cup', the world cup edition of 'live from the leagues'. Sirake Tekim is for us live in Warnocks Wizards to report of the match against Lemmitania, are you, Sirake?

Hejida Idine! Yes, I am in the stadium, but I don't promise you that the connection will work for the entire match.

That's OK, We don't expect it to work, but we expect you to try.

Talking about expecting to try: The Orange-Blues will face Lemmitania, winner of WC10 today at Shelob Lair and we all hope, that they also try their best and play a good match against the Lemmings!

We can only hope it! The last match was a bit unlucky.

It should have been a draw, you're right. But I don't comment the decisions of referees and won't change it after this totally, slani, unjustified offside decision!

(surpresses a laugh)Let's talk about the match today. Who plays for the Orange-Blues?

The lasane plays like we expect them: Syku Hexen in goal, the defenders are, like in the last match Sen Ajil, Jijen, Kansu "SeJaNil" Kiru and Kansu Sanan.

You mean Ji Jen?

Yes, Ji Jen, I mean. the midfield consists of Sil Hilat, Lyku Jaras, Hana Kansu and, of course, Inik Linkosa.

Hexen Imdila listens to our radio station, I guess.

He does? Why do you think so?

Well, last time I said, that I expected Hana Kansu to play and now he is a starter!

Hana Kansu is a very good player, so it is surely coincidence.

Surely.

The forwards are the ones, you surely expect: Xese Su and SyLy!

You mean Xeseja Su?

Of course I do, but he is also called Xese

He is called either 'Xese' or 'Xeseja Su' bu not 'Xese Su'. Do you have any problems today or why are you keeping on making mistakes?

Well, it surely is only the excitement.

I thought moderators need to be cool even in such situations.

They need to be, but, hey this is Rejistania vs Lemmitania, how can you stay calm?

Tranquilizer in a high dosis!

Ok, that is a measure I will consider. (short pause) Now for the Lemmitanian team: They'll play also a 4-4-2, comparable to our System Imdila. Melanie Melsterson will play in goal, defenders are: Prudence Lemminuning, Georgia Lemwalker, Mick Jagermejisterbrau and Adam LaMadam.

Don't start stuttering.

A-dam La-Ma-dam is his name.

Oh, sorry.

Halen'ta! The Lemmitanian midfielders are: Darla Lyndon called 'the Sub-Human', Wallace Lemmye, Clarissa Kiklem called 'Kickles' and Horace Henneman. Their strikers are well-known of the last final: Wilette Lemjones and Trixitica Lemsmith. (the names are totally messed up, since Sirake pronounces them as if they were rejistanian names: the 'x' as 'sh', the 'c' and the 'g' as 'k'. But we don't argue about that, we are glad that the roster can be displayed at all.)

The syllable 'Lem' seems to be quite popular there for last names.

Yes, I guess it is comparable to the '-il' in westrejistanian names.

Is Laxtu Westrejistanian?

Laxtu Takil? His parents came from Junka kali and that is in Western Rejis, but he is born in KaMaRi.

I just feared that our co-coach could be Ligatanian.

(laughs) Long live regional rivalry! (short pause) While we talked here, we missed the anthems. The match will start in the next seconds.

Sorry to interrupt you, you know, it's time for the advertising.
(Sirake is heard in the background as the commercials start. What she says is not mildly communistic anymore. We skip the commercials.)

Hejida again, this is Sirake Tekim, reporting live from Shelobs Lair in Warnocks Wizards where the Orange-Blues play against world champion Lemmitania, it is the 20th minute of the game and the score is still nil all despite some good chances for both sides. Currently The Orange-Blues are in posession of the ball, (the connection gets worse, but Sirake is still understood) Hana Kansu crosses to Lyku Jaras, back to Kansu'he, oh that was close, Lemwalker nearly intercepted the ball, but it continues, to Linkosa'he, now to SyLy. SyLy shoots in the direction of the goal
(Here the connection breaks down completely. If you are interested: SyLys shot went in and was the only goal in this match.)

This is KNN News (Kerlan New Network)

This is Charles Love reporting from the great nation of Total n Utter Insanity and that is what is happening with Kerlans today. Word come around that the Union qualifed for World Cup 11. Close to 200,000 Kerlans made the trip to cheer on the Union Squad as they head in reach the semifinals. Kerla did not qualify last year. Everybody in Kerla is celebrating and President of the Supreme Executive Council Eric Manoni made a press statement said that he is glad that Union Squad made it and said he will cheer them on. It is reported that President Manoni will go to tommorow's game. He said he could not come today because he was busy. No lets get down to the highlights for the game against Runaway Moose. Runaway Moose struck first scoring. John Middleton only missed it by a hair. Runaway Moose got 2 quick goals. There fans were chanting "Kerla Suck." There were rowdy and a little bit too drunk. Sid Cruiser heard this and this got him mad. Bulldog scored on a great pass from Brett Devin. Then Bulldog yelled at their fans that Kerla does not suck and we are not Communist. Middleton made some great stops (22 shots on goal for Runaway Moose). Then 37 minutes in the game Alex Myers scored on a wonderful play, tieing it at 2 goals a piece. Middleton made some more greats blocks keeping it tied. Then at the end of the game in the 89th minute with the game almost over Jonathan "Mouse" Hudson scored to win the game for the Union. It was a very exciting game. Next game will be against Total n Utter Insanity. That will be a hard game. Head Coach Jim Young said "Runaway Moose is a very hard team. The only team to finish undefeated in qualfying. They were hard and we just won at the end. It was a great goal by Jon."

Live from the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards, this is Clem Gilson, the Dean of Lemmitanian sports, bringing you the World Cup of football on the Lemmitanian Radio Network. Tonight, in the first match of World Cup Eleven, the defending champion Lemmitania Lemmings take on the Busbetteers of Busby. I won’t need to remind our listeners that it was in a qualifying match two months ago against these same Busbeterians that the hideous evil giant spider Maleficus murdered and ate former Lemming star and LRN correspondent Lemmy Atom while they were alone in the booth during halftime. All of Lemmitania’s been abuzz with talk of nothing but that horrible, fateful day, and of what’s to become of Maleficus. It’s not what I want to talk about tonight, but it seems unlikely that we’ll manage to avoid dwelling on it. It’s fifteen minutes to kickoff, and joining me in the booth are Lana Maelstrom and tonight’s guest commentator, Grant Rockson. Lana, Grant, welcome to the broadcast. And I see young Optimus has also joined us.

Lana: Thanks Clem, it’s nice to be ‘ere.

Grant: Nice to be anywhere that ain’t the belly of a Giant Evil Talking Spider, I’d say.

Lana: Poor Lemmy.

Optimus: How do you guys even know Maleficus ate him? Lemmy’s a doofus. Maybe he just got lost in the stadium.

Clem: The police conducted a dragnet. They said that even a lemming couldn’t have slipped past them.

Optimus: ‘Course not. If the cops saw a loose lemming lying around, they’d pocket it.

Grant: Now, now, son. The Lemco City police ain’t corrupt. That’s the Los Lemmingas cops you’re thinkin’ of.

Optimus: All cops are corrupt. That’s why they call ‘em ‘pigs.’

Lana: Wot’s the connection?

Optimus: What’s what connection?

Lana: Between pigs an’ corruption. Pigs ain’t corrupt, are they?

Clem: Pigs are gluttonous, as in ‘pig out,’ they’re messy, as in, ‘this place is a pigpen,’ and they’re disrespectful and demeaning, as in, ‘chauvinist pig.’ But I don’t think they’re corrupt.

Optimus: You guys think too much.

Clem: Thanks.

Lana: Not really a biting insult, that.

Optimus: Whatever.

Clem: How old are you, now?

Optimus: Fourteen.

Clem: Planning to follow in your old man’s footsteps?

Optimus: And sue you, you mean?

Grant: Heh, heh. Don’t be silly, Opie. ‘e plans on followin’ in ‘is mom’s footsteps.

Clem: And become a...

Grant: A wot?

Clem: That’s what I’d like to know.

Optimus: You know what’ll be the best thing about him changing his name to Gil Lemson? I’ll finally be able to tell people who my parents are.

Clem: I don’t know, kid. He’s still not going to admit to having been the Gil Lemson, onetime Dean of Lemmitanian sports.

Grant: Speakin’ of which, did I mention thet I’ve made some inquiries with me solicitors, and it looks like the big renamin’s gonna be a go?

Clem: You didn’t mention it to me.

Grant: Wull, it is. A go, I mean. Seems I’ll be known officially as ‘Gil Lemson’ by this time nex’ month.

Clem: How nice.

Grant: You don’t soun’ too ‘appy for me.

Lana: Why should ‘e? You said you were changin’ your name so you could sue ‘im.

Grant: Wot? I never!

Clem: Sure you did. You’re planning to go before the trademark board and sue to get the title back from me.

Grant: When did I ever say anythin’ like that?

Clem: The day Maleficus ate Lemmy Atom, you told us all about your little plan.

Grant: Oh. So you know all about it, do you?

Clem: Pretty much.

Grant: So... wot d’you plan on doin’ about it, then?

Clem: I haven’t decided.

Lana: I wonder wot Shemp Wooley thinks of all this.

Grant: Shemp?! Shemp... is ‘e sneakin’ around ‘ere again? That li’le weasel!

Lana: Of course ‘e ain’t sneakin’ around ‘ere.

Grant: No, no, that’s right... ‘cause ‘e’s dead.

Clem: Shemp’s not dead.

Grant: Sure ‘e is! Why, if ‘e was alive, ‘e’d be, like, a ‘undred years old!

Clem: He’s ninety-seven. And still quite lucid.

Grant: Is ‘e? Quite lucid? ‘Cause for many years, I remember ‘im bein’ a mass of blinkin’ delusions.

Clem: While I’ve agreed in the past that Shemp can be sneaky and weasely, I don’t think he ever suffered from delusions.

Grant: Wull then why’d ‘e spend all those years tryin’ to ‘ave me killed?

Clem: You?! When did Shemp ever try to have you killed, Grant?

Grant: Um, lessee... I guess that was Gil ‘e ‘ad killed, wasn’t it?

Lana: I don’t think so, Grant. Gil died in a ‘orrible accident.

Grant: An ‘accident’ that ‘ad ‘Shemp Wooley” written all over it.

Clem: Why do you do things like this?

Grant: Like wot?

Clem: Accusing Shemp of having Gil killed.

Grant: I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, Clem.

Clem: No you don’t. You call ‘em fast and loose and hope it doesn’t land you in the crapper.

Grant: Ugh. Wot a disgustin’ metaphor.

Lana: Clem’s right, Grant. If you thot through in advance some of the things you say, you’d land yourself in a ‘ole passel less trouble.

Grant: When ‘ave I ever landed meself in trouble? You two are just out to get me.

Clem: One might say that you’re out to get me, considering that you’re planning to sue me for my title.

Optimus: And all the endorsement money you’ve ever made off it.

Clem: What?! Are you kidding me?

Optimus: Nope.

Clem: Grant, what the hell is wrong with you?

Optimus: Mom asks him that a lot too.

Grant: She does not!

Optimus: Sure she does.

Grant: Your mum never uses words like “‘ell.” She’s too much of a lady.

Optimus: She says ‘hell’ when you’re not around. She just doesn’t like to set a bad example for you. ‘Cause you say it, like, six times as often as she does.

Grant: Did she say that, Opie? About not wantin’ to set a bad example for me?

Optimus: Yep.

Grant: Wot a kind-’earted woman. Always ‘as me best interest in mind.

Clem: Then she ought to tell you not to sue me.

Optimus: She tells him that all the time. Remember, I told you she said it’ll all end in tears.

Clem: So you did.

Lana: You know, if Shemp’s smart, ‘e’ll take this opportunity to try an’ win the ti’le back for ‘imself.

Grant: Why would ‘e want it?

Lana: Why wouldn’t ‘e want it?

Grant: Wull, for one thing, it ain’t worth a lemming to ‘im. When ‘e was Dean of sports, ‘e di’n’t ‘ave a single endorsement deal. All ‘e ever used the ti’le for was pickin’ up women.

Clem: Shemp never picked up women with the title.

Grant: ‘is loss.

Clem: And in all likelihood, the endorsements would stay in place, as they did when I assumed the title from Gil.

Grant: Hmph. That really burns me up, the thought of Shemp collectin’ on Gil’s ‘ard-earned endorsement checques. It’s bad enough you gettin’ ‘em. Anyway, for another thing, wot good would the ti’le be to Shemp, considerin’ ‘e’s dead?

Clem: Gil’s dead. Shemp’s alive.

Grant: Brain-dead I meant. ‘e’s a vegetable.

Clem: He has a weekly show on LSPN!

Grant: ‘Back from the Dead, with Shemp Wooley’?

Clem: I think it’s just called ‘The Shemp Wooley Show.’

Grant: You mean, ‘The Brain-Dead Shemp Show.’

Optimus: Hey, did any of you goobers notice they’re about to start the game?

Clem: So they are. Thanks, kid. At midfield for the cointoss are Trixitica Lemsmith for Lemmitania, and Buster Boobaba for Busby. Boobaba gets to call it, and he chooses heads... and heads it is. Lemsmith chooses to defend the left end of the field, and we’ll return for the kickoff after these important messages.

...

Coming at you from Shelob’s Lair in the Empire of Warnocks Wizards, this is Clem Gilson for the Lemmitanian Radio Network. We’re about to kick off the first match of World Cup Eleven, and here to call it for you is special guest commentator Grant Rockson.

Grant: Thanks, Clem. Lemsmith appoaches the ball, gives it a meaningful look, an’ sends it in the direction of ‘er co-striker, Willette Lemjones. Lemjones dribbles it up the field, passes to Kickle Kiklem, an’ the Lemmings cross into Busby territory.

Clem: Say, that was very nicely done.

Grant: Yep, it feels good to be back in the ol’ commentator’s chair.

Lana: We’ll be seein’ the same firs’ team that faced Busby las’ time around. Coach Mickelson goin’ with the squad that won its last two qualifyin’ matches: Lemsmith an’ Lemjones at striker, at midfield, Darla “the Sub-’uman” Lydon, Clarissa “Kickles” Kiklem, ‘orace ‘enneman, an’ Lambroche “the Lamb” Lambwhacker, on defense Pru Lemminuning, Mick Jaegermeisterbrau, Adam LaMadam, an’ Rick Chang, an’ in goal, Melanie Melsterson. For Busby, much the same squad we saw las’ time around as well: Billabong, McBuss, an’ Babcock at striker; Biergarten, Buzzard, “Buncha” Bundt, an’ McBubbacutty in midfield; Boogranger, Bobbaloo, an’ Jangaboo in the backfield; an’ Cap’n Buster Boobaba in goal.

Grant: ...

Lana: Ain’t you gonna go on with the match commentary, Grant?

Grant: Me?! What for?

Lana: Because you’re the special guest commentator for the game.

Clem: Plus you just said that it feels good to be back in the commentator’s chair.

Grant: I meant that metaphorically.

Lana: Mebbe Optimus’d like a chance to try callin’ the game.

Grant: ‘im?! ‘e ain’t on the payroll!

Clem: So what? You are on the payroll, and it doesn’t seem to have any effect on you.

Grant: Sure it does.

Clem: Oh yeah?

Grant: I’m ‘ere, ain’t I?

Lana: Wot d’you say, Optimus? You wanna try callin’ the match?

Optimus: Not really.

Grant: Wot’s with all the giant spiders? Did anybody ese notice those?

Lana: Shelob’s Lair is the ‘ome venue for Warnocks Wizards’ GESFL entry.

Grant: Seein’ as that went right over me ‘ead, I’ll just rephrase the question. Am I the only one ‘oo noticed that ‘alf the fans seem to be Maleficus’ relatives?

Lana: The GESFL is the Giant Evil Spider Football League. Shelob’s Obsession is the Empire of Warnocks Wizards’ entry. An’ this ‘ere is their ‘ome turf.

Grant: Oh. You mean there’s giant spiders ‘oo play football?

Clem: Maleficus. Remember? Maleficus, you just mentioned him?

Grant: Yeh. The fellow ‘oo et Lemmy.

Clem: Right, him. He was five-time MVP in the GESFL.

Grant: Wot’s ‘at, some kinda advanced degree at Uni?

Lana: Most Valuable Player, Grant. Maleficus was a big football star... as ‘e told you a couple months ago in Lemco City.

Grant: Oh, then. I wasn’t really payin’ too much attention to that broadcast, if you must know. I was really kinda focusin’ on the Lemco City Gil Lemson Memorial Kickathon that was comin’ up. You know, that was the day of the Kickathon.

Lana: We were there!

Clem: I have to say, coming back to Grant’s comment about the number of Giant Evil Spiders in the crowd, it’s kind of creepy being here.

Lana: You know wot creeps me out? The number of ‘em carryin’ placards readin’ “Free Maleficus” an’ wotnot. It’s almost like a protest movement down there.

Clem: There’s been a broad international outcry against Maleficus’ imprisonment. Which is a load of horsecrap, if you ask me.

Optimus: The international outcry’s ‘cause there’s no evidence against him. The only reason he’s locked up is ‘cause he’s a Giant Spider. If he’d been a human being, no one’d be suspecting him of anything.

Clem: Well, you have to remember, humans don’t generally devour other humans with barbecue sauce.

Optimus: Maleficus took a vow of not-eating-anybody. It said so in all the papers.

Lana: A vow’s only words, Optimus. If you’d seen the way ‘e was lookin’ at us all those games... sittin’ there on the other side of ‘is partition, droolin’ an’ gnoshin’ on the air like ‘e was chewin’ our bones... plus ‘e kep’ callin’ us ‘Edible Lemmy’ an’ ‘Edible Lana’ all the time. ‘e practically told us in so many words ‘e was plannin’ on eatin’ one of us. Mebbe all of us if ‘e’d gotten the opportunity.

Optimus: There still isn’t any evidence.

Clem: Because Maleficus refused to be x-rayed.

Optimus: Giant Spiders are allergic to x-rays! It said so in the papers!

Clem: Sure they are. He hasn’t allowed his stools to be tested either.

Optimus: That’s for religious reasons.

Lana: Or: ‘is religion’s a convenient excuse to avoid ‘avin’ Lemmy’s DNA show up in ‘is spiderpoop.

Optimus: You guys are full of spiderpoop.

Lana: Wull, you’re a spiderpoop’ead. So there.

Optimus: Now who’s making the lame insults?

Lana: Me.

Clem: I think the spiders are chanting. Listen.

Grant: “Lemmy wasn’t eaten up; Maleficus ‘ad KFL for lunch.”

Clem: Sure, that’s what he said. Man, these spiders really tick me off.

Lana: Leavin’ aside the arthropod puns, I agree with you, Clem. I’d like to see ‘ow they’d feel if they walked into the booth an’ found some Giant-Evil-Spider-predator munchin’ on a bloody carcass, an’ their partner missin’ in action, an’ then the partner refusin’ to be tested for evidence in any way, shape or form. See ‘ow they’d feel then.

Optimus: There are no Giant Spider predators.

Clem: How do you know?

Optimus: It said in the papers!

Lana: That’s irrelevant. The point is, they run aroun’ eatin’ ‘umans left an’ right, and then when we protest the consumption of our colleague, they start chantin’ protests! It’s despicable.

Grant: “If there’s no DNA in the shit, you must acquit.”

Clem: How can we know if there’s DNA in his shit when he won’t let us test it?!

Lana: These spiders are totally unreasonable.

Clem: It’s irrational!

Grant: “’ey ‘ey, ’ee ‘ee, Lemmings must set Spider free.”

Clem: Like hell.

Lana: Listen, there’s another contingent chantin’ too.

Clem: Where the hell is stadium security? They should put a stop to this.

Optimus: You can hardly put a stop to ten thousand Giant Spiders chanting in unison.

Lana: They ain’t in unison! Listen!

Grant: “Maleficus, it’s okay; eatin’ ‘umans is just your way.”

Lana: That’s comin’ from a group by the luxury boxes, I think.

Clem: Ugh. I think I prefer the other ones.

Lana: The players are lookin’ pretty unnerved by it.

Clem: If I was Mickelson, I think I’d pull the team off the field.

Lana: On wot grounds? The refs’ll call a forfeit.

Clem: On the grounds that the players are in danger!

Lana: Ain’t nobody said nothin’ threatenin’ against ‘em so far.

Clem: It’s creepy!

Lana: Bein’ in creepy surroundin’s ain’t a valid reason for refusin’ to play football. I’m pretty sure there’s nothin’ in the WCC Laws of the Game about bein’ able to withdraw your side just ‘cause some of the fans are suggestin’ that it’s okay for members of their species to eat members of yours.

Grant: “Lemmy shoud ‘ave known the danger; eatin’ ‘im was Maleficus’ nature.”

Clem: Ugh.

Lana: If they weren’t three-meter ‘igh spiders sayin’ that, I’d go down there an’ kick some of their arses.

Clem: I’d be right there with you.

Lana: But under the circs, discretion might be the better part of defendin’ Lemmy’s honor.

Clem: Yes.

Grant: “You can’t blame a Giant Spider; ‘uman blood is sweet as cider.”

Clem: Oh, Bejeezus.

Lana: Look: now stadium security is gettin’ in on it.

Clem: What the hell are those?

Lana: I think they’re trolls.

Clem: Trolls aren’t real.

Lana: Do you even ‘ave to say such things in this day an’ age Clem?

Clem: You’re right, that was stupid. So the trolls are in there subduing the more raucus Giant Evil Spiders in the crowd.

Lana: Trolls an’ mebbe Orcs. I don’t really know my Fantasy Monsters.

Clem: And by Fantasy, you mean Reality.

Lana: Yep.

Clem: The Spiders are throwing beer bottles.

Grant: Do Giant Spiders drink beer?

Lana: I’d ‘ate to think wot else they might ‘ave been drinkin’ from bottles.

Optimus: Water?

Clem: Human blood?

Lana: Bingo.

Grant: So the Giant Spiders are throwin’ ‘uman-blood bottles at the trolls, an’ the trolls are takin’ to whackin’ some of ‘em with sticks.

Clem: Arrests are being made, Warnocks Wizards-style.

Grant: Listen: the Maleficus-is-innocent spiders are chantin’ somethin’ at the other ones.

Lana: “You radicals are full of crap; Maleficus must beat this rap.” Heh, wull, I kinda like that one.

Clem: The other ones are chanting back at them.

Grant: While bein’ set upon by trolls an’ orcs.

Lana: “Shut your pacifistic maws; Lemmy’s blood was on Maleficus’ jaws.” Urk.

Clem: I second that ‘urk.’ Having been there.

Lana: The others are respondin’: “You’re giving all our kind a bad name; shut your traps an’ watch the game.”

Clem: They’re remarkably well-organized when it comes to this chanting business.

Grant: Comes from ‘avin’ a ‘ive-mind.

Lana: “We’re on an international stage; wot better chance to state our rage?”

Clem: Spiders don’t have a hive mind.

Grant: They don’t? Sure they do.

Clem: Spiders don’t live in hives. They’re solitary.

Grant: No, that’s bees you’re thinkin’ of.

Clem: Bees live in hives. Beehives!

Lana: “Maleficus ‘as achieved enlightenment; ‘e doesn’t eat ‘umans, only frightens ‘em.” Wull, that soun’s like some things ‘e’s said ‘imself.

Grant: Bees give you ‘ives, you mean. When they bite you.

Clem: Bees don’t bite, they sting! And beestings don’t give me hives.

Grant: I di’n’t mean you personally, Clem, I meant ‘you’ metaphorically. As in, ‘one.’

Lana: “Denying a basic part of yourself; isn’t good for your mental ‘ealth.” Does a football game really seem like the appropriate venue for this kind of a politico-philosophical discussion?

Clem: Hell no.

Grant: Where better?

Clem: The Vin Lemsmus show?

Grant: They ‘ave Vin Lemsmus in Warnocks Wizards?

Clem: They must have some kind of radio call-in shows.

Optimus: Hey, goobers. What’s the score?

Clem: Who the hell knows?

Optimus: I know.

Clem: Great. So enlighten us.

Optimus: One nothing.

Clem: Who’s ahead?

Optimus: Look at the scoreboard.

Lana: “Stop tryin’ to be so damn contrary; you’re just a bunch of reactionaries.”

Clem: I find myself strangely drawn to the liberals, even though I think they’re wrong.

Grant: You don’t think Giant Spiders should suppress their maneatin’ instincts?

Clem: No, I don’t think Maleficus is innocent.

Lana: “’oo better then, than Shelob’s brood; to state the case that ‘umans are food?” They ain’t comin’ up with these on the spur of the moment. It ain’t possible.

Clem: The whole debate is staged, you think?

Lana: That’s my suspicion.

Optimus: You goobers are paranoid.

Grant: Stop callin’ your elders ‘goobers,’ Opie. Try respectin’ ‘em instead.

Optimus: That’d be easier if they weren’t goobers.

Clem: What could they achieve with all this chanting? I mean, they’re just arguing with each other.

Lana: On an international stage, as they pointed out. It is a great opportunity to get the issues ‘eard.

Clem: But they’re not issues! Except, perhaps, for Giant Evil Spiders.

Grant: I don’t think it’s staged.

Clem: Why not?

Grant: Some of ‘em are fightin’ amongst ‘emselves.
Lana: Yeh, there’s about a dozen spiders goin’ at it now, right where the two opposin’ groups intersect. The trolls an’ orcs are ‘eadin’ down there to put a stop to it.

Clem: The chanting’s stopped.

Lana: Mebbe the ones fightin’ are the ringleaders, an’ no one’s comin’ up with chants while they’re dukin’ it out.

Clem: Whatever the reason, I’m glad they’ve cut it out. If I never have to hear a crowd of Giant Spiders chanting again in my life, it’ll be soon enough.

Lana: ‘ear ‘ear.

...


Clem: And we’re coming up on ninty minutes, with the score knotted at two. Unless someone comes up with a goal in penalty time, the first match of World Cup Eleven is going to end in a draw.

Lana: A bit disappointin’, considerin’ the Lemmings beat the Busiderans last time they met. A victory would ‘ave been a nice way to start off the Cup.

Clem: It may be a struggle getting out of the group stage this year. The Lemmings won seven matches in qualifying, and drew six. It wouldn’t be surprising if they only manage four or five points in the first round of the Cup.

Lana: ‘ell, it wouldn’t be surprisin’ if they only manage three points.

Clem: Three matches, three draws?

Lana: You got it.

Clem: Of course, if the group shapes up the way the qualifying group did, that may be enough to advance.

Lana: I recall Tanah Burung advancin’ on three points a while back.

Clem: Pretty unusual, though.

Lana: Look: Opie’s fallen asleep.

Clem: So has Grant.

Lana: Heh heh. They look so peaceful.

Clem: Yeah, sure... And that’s time. So the match ends two-all, on goals by Lemjones and Henneman for the Lemmings, Billabong and McBuss for Busby. We’ll be back after some important messages to wrap things up in Shelob’s Lair.

DP

3P

From the journals of Bi Kikere

Sunday. The Gate, Warnocks Wizards. Where the Crocs face doom.

We small band of warriors, surrounded by thousands of assorted orcs, goblins, Balrogs, Uruk-hai and the truly terrifying, so i almost fear to wriote the word: Elves. At last able to send a message, to let our fans at home know how we fare. The Gate looms above and around us, dark in its blasted dread majesty. The pitch, like sand turned to glass.

And if once again we'd won our qualifying group, the winged monstrosities that populate this land took us for their own. Seized us, took us into the land of Warnocks Wizards, opened against us. Have i mentioned my players like to pray? And now, this spiritual advisor who has been festooned upon me, this millstone of a nun, she prays the night throughn with them.

From ghosties, and ghoulies, and long-legged beasties
And things that go "bump" in the night --
Good lord protect us.

Is my life to be stalked by the supernatural? The Zompire that spits its hate at us, the cauldron-born nameless things, and (most fearsome of all) the Middle Earth Elf? My dreams are chilled and miserable things. The sun no solace.

But the game, the beautiful game. Sanity, perhaps, as we play Ariddia. A decent country, where football is beloved and humanity treasured. The country that gave us this the beautiful game, if truth be told. Ariddia. Always a contender, never a champion. A pain that i know, too well, all too well.

No soft touch, this crew. And so we went out, trying to choke their attack, stifle their strikers, dam their scoring flood. As we played in the old days. Defend, defend, let no one through. And rely on the pillar in our goal. Nino Konis, my hero between the posts, the boy that alone is a worthy heir to my position. But no one on the attack as worthy, i'm afraid. Beautiful, this match, but 0-0. Not the win we needed. Now we must defeat New Montreal States to advance and taste the second round again at last. Perhaps, perhaps, we can still go through, second in the group. Perhaps. I know the players will pray for that. I may even say a small prayer myself. Tell no one.

[code:1:c25fd14452]Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Liverpool England 2 1 1 0 6 1 5 4
Ravenspire 2 1 1 0 2 1 1 4
One Red Dot 2 1 0 1 1 1 0 3
Belmorian Scandinavia 2 0 0 2 0 6 -6 0 [/code:1:c25fd14452]

Exciting Match in Prospect Ends Dull:
Liverpool England 1 Ravenspire 1

Analysis:
BeS have been eliminated. LE go through with at least a draw, regardless of other result. LE go out if Ravenspire draw or win and LE lose. If both LE and Ravenspire lose on MD3, LE and ORD go through.
Ravenspire go through with a draw if the LE-ORD match finishes level, if ORD win Ravenspire need to win to qualify.

East Spaamanian Weekly Headlines

You're not signong any more

Belmorian Literacy Reaches Critical Levels

The literacy rates of the Belmorians have caused concerns in the
international community, as even high ranked journalists make shocking
spelling errors. The UN has sent an army of English teachers to the nation
to remove the substandard teachers currently in The Belmore Family, and
to try and improve the shocking spelling of the children.


East Spaam One And One

Coming back from last weeks loss, the East Spaamanian national football
team have beaten Snub Nose 38 2-0 in the group stage of the World Cup.
Combined with Kaze Progessa's unfortunate loss, the group table is now all
tied up:

[code:1:896c798420]Group C
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
The Belmore Family 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3
East Spaam 2 1 0 1 2 1 1 3
Snub Nose 38 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
Kaze Progressa 2 1 0 1 2 4 -2 3
[/code:1:896c798420]


Clash Of The Century

The grudge match of the century will occur next week when East Spaam
take on The Belmore Family in the group stage of the World Cup. Ahead
of East Spaam by the smallest of margins, the winner of this match will go
on to the second round. If there is a tie, then East Spaam will be hoping
that the Snub Nose 38 vs Kaze Progessa match will also be a tie. Lets just
hope that if we lose, The Belmore Family don't make any spelling errors in
their match report.

ASNN - The Stars topple Veteran, Riots ensue
Kevin Henry

GRAHAM CITY - Riots broke out todays as football fans across the nation as the TLC Stars beat Oglethorpia in a hard match at a stadium aptly name Ogle's Doom. The match was incredibly tough, with 3 players on both teams coming off with cuts across the face. The fullbacks pressed hard, but they were unable to score within the first half and for the majority of the second. Oglethorpia dominated the first half, utting endless pressure against the defense. With several scoring chances in the 7th, 12nd, 34th, and the 43rd minutes, Lord Mackintosh began pulling together his team at half time, giving them a heart raising speech in the locker room.

They came out of the tunnel with renewed confidence, striking when they had the chance, though still being dominated, they began to fight back. with only three minutes left to play in the second half, Mark Jeremy stole the ball on a cross from the Stars 18, and chraged up the unprepared defense, moving in and sending it to Chee Blackwing, who lunged and headed it in, just past the Oglethorpian goalie. The Clan faithful in the crowd went beserk, nearly stampeding onto the field. With one of the tougher matches under their boots, many now predict a great match with last cup WC groupies, the Dark Outcasts.

TLC Stars 1 - 0 Oglethorpia
Jeremy (12 Goals, 87th Minute)

Sowhatsville Newssports section

Fine start for Halfassed!

After just making it to WC 11, the Halfassedstates side travelled from the opening ceremony to TnUI for their group games. The draw sees them come up against one of the great sides in the competition (EB) and two of the improving nations (Nastic 2 and yesterdays opponents Oddslavo)
Infront of a capacity crowd of 66,000 in the magnificent futuramaistic Saint Frys Park, the Halfassed side took the field for their 6th successive WC finals.
A tense opening was expected, but both sides had clearly decided to go for the win. Jennung tipped a 30 yard strike round the post, while at the other end, Sherwood cliped the top of the crossbar. It was a good twenty minutes before things settled down, somehow the score was still goalless at that point.
On 33 minutes, Halfassed made the breakthrough. Soap won the ball in midfield and passed it out to Perfect. His run to the byline ended with a fine cross which Sherwood headed into the top corner of the net. 1-0
Just on the stroke of half time, Oddslavo got back into it. Riddle gave away a needless freekick 30 yards out. The Oddslavo striker took the kick and hit the post, but his captain was quickest to react and slotted the ball home. 1-1 @ half-time.

The Second period began as hecticly as the first. This time it was Ducks who saved Halfassed goal, reacting first after the Oddslavians stuck the post again. Shortly after that, Ducks was a heroine at the other end as she headed Halfassed back in front. A Lecter corner was flicked on by Gunnet and Ducks had a simple task of nodding the ball home at the back post. 2-1
With half an hour to go, Halfassed gave themsleves some breathing space. Perfect played a neat 1-2 with Soap before spreading the ball the width of the field to the advancing Riddle. He slid the ball through to Sherwood. Sherwood shimmied left before cutting right and leaving the defender for dead, he charged into the box. A despirate last gasp tackle blocked his shot, but the ball spun across the box, and Gunnet was on hand to blast the ball into the net. 3-1
Oddslavo pressed hard for the strike that would get them back into the match, but found the Halfassed rearguard in top form. Jennung had a great double block, Ducks received a yellow card for a cinical challenge the ended a good looking break, and Riddle made up for his earlier error by clearing off the line when Jennung mis-judged a corner.

With group favorites EB defeating Nastic2 by a single goal, Halfassed sit top of the group on GD.
[code:1:4c3ff53dca]
Group F
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Halfassedstates 1 1 0 0 3 1 2 3
Europa Brittania 1 1 0 0 1 0 1 3
NASTIC 2 1 0 0 1 0 1 -1 0
Oddslavo 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0
[/code:1:4c3ff53dca]
Next up;
EB Vs Odd
HAS Vs Nastic

A win for both EB and HAS would see them both qualify before the final group match between the two sides.

This (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3429937.stm) could also be a reason that Eauz also lost in its World Cup match. Watch out for future complaints like this :P

The Freedom Times – Evening Edition

100th Match Proves a Bore Despite Hype

REJISTANIA - It was much to be celebrated on the Red Dot side as the Wolves prepare to play their 100th international match. However it ended up a flop as both sides defended a tad too well to bring the final score to a 0-0 draw. Most of the fans claim that they were 'ripped off' as the match was 'not value for money'. The One Red Dot Ministry for Consumer Protection is looking into this matter.

OOC: The match ended 2-2, check the scores thread!

http://www.geocities.com/versionizer/kamari2.gif.txt

Score incident!
That match reports differ in different media is quite normal. It happens if the judgements about a team differ. But is is really strange if not just the judgements, opinions and curses about the referree differ but also the score. The One Red Dottian media has posted a report that the match had the result 0-0, while the Rejistanian media as well as the cup officials have confirmed the 2-2. We don't know what excatly led to this wrong report but it can be assumed that people came to the match of the both U21 teams which took place at the same time and had that result nil all. However this match took place in the Jinhes Lines stadium in Jinhes kali, while the real match was in Sen-La-Sa~o Promotion in KaMaRi kali. But this explanation fails because the match was exciting despite the score. Other ideas to explain the different results involve drunken (or stoned) reporters, errors in the data transfer or a Fools Day joke. As far as we know it, the match had the result:
Rejistania: 2 (Su 37th, Lyku 83rd)
One Red Dot: 2 (Marks 26th, Johnson 45th)

Point Earned on Mount Doom

Wizards and New Montreal States Battle to 0-0 Draw at Fortress Warnock

From our news services...

Matchday 2, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–Last night the Red and White Wizards earned a valuable point in their quest for the World Cup. The 0-0 draw with New Montreal States at Fortress Warnock may have not been the most entertaining of matches, but the result did move the home side one small step closer to the second round. Goalkeeper Globtakh the Timid and his defensive partners were the key to the sharing of points as the Wizards kept their second clean sheet in their second World Cup match.

Manager Ufwurz the Furious made three changes to the side that was victorious against Tanah Burung. Gromdul the Gasher replaced the rather ineffective Bublok the Destroyer at defensive midfield. Skaiarash the Bald, scorer of the only goal against the Crocs, earned his first start for the national side. Dropped to the pine was Gabdul the Looter. Ashmazh the Tough, who was mysteriously absent from the squad on matchday one, started in place of Globdreg the Destroyer. Manager Ufwurz referred to the three changes as “tactical,” but nonetheless had his side line up in their favoured 4-3-1-2.

The Wizards began the match in fine form. Bagdreg the Mauler and Skairash the Bald were linking up well in the centre of the park, and the Bald one was opening up the New Montreal defense with pinpoint-accurate passes. Unfortunately for the home fans, Ishklash the Snooty did not appear to have his shooting boots with him (Apparently, he felt the new Shelob the Web-breaker boots did not match his hair colour and left them at his abode). The Snooty one missed two glorious chances, where a goal looked easier than a miss. Akhklash the Emaciated also ballooned a good ball over the goal mouth. The Wizards would rue not capitalising on their early good play, the visiting New Montrealers were content to sit back and play on the counter. There were few further chances in the first half, and the first forty-five ended at 0-0.

After Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator lost another halftime penalty shootout, this time to the tournament-designed New Montreal mascot (a rather fetching potted iris plant). Coming out from their Team Hall for the second half, the Red and White Wizards looked rather subdued. Perhaps they were submitted to another gentle half time talk from Mr. Furious. Ishklash the Snooty in particular looked as if his feelings were hurt and played the second half like a deer confronted with a company of Elvish archers. The New Montrealers, to their credit, changed their approach for the second half, and attacked the Wizards at will. Stout defending from the “rock,” team captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw, and the always combative Mausnik the Cleaver kept the visitors at bay. While the New Montrealers were controlling possession, the Wizards back line was snuffing out the final ball. On the few occasions the visitors had a clear shot at goal, the goalkeeper with the new-found mental strength, Globtakh the Timid, proved worthy of his No 1 shirt, dealing with the efforts with ease. With the Wizards unable to finish and the New Montrealers unable to provide a telling final ball, the match ended at 0-0. In the end, both sides will be content earning a very important World Cup point. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 0, New Montreal States 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Gromdul the Gasher, Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Skairash the Bald, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty (Olkrish the Swift 60).

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Ufdush the Nasty, Bublok the Destroyer, Gabdul the Looter.

For their final match in Group D, the Red and White Wizards face World Cup veterans Ariddia. The game will once again be held at Fortress Warnock. A point earned in that match will surely see the Wizards qualify for the second round. Up, up, and on to glory, you Red and White Wizards!

Bazgash the Sly
reporting for WW1

OOC: Since I don't feel like creatively writing anything else out at the time being, I'm gonna rip off songs.

Hotel Insanity
On a poorly pitched highway
cheering wind in my hair
warm smell of 1-1 draws
rising up through the air
up ahead in the distance
I saw thousands of lights
the ball grew heavy and
my aim grew dim
I had to shoot the ball right

There he stood 'tween the goal posts
I heard those victory bells
And I was thinkin to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then he started to dive
and I shot the other way
There were voices through the stadium
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel Insanity
just a 1-1 draw
no action at all
But there's plenty of fans at the Hotel Insanity
come from far away
"Goal"'s what I heard them say

Their minds are yellow card twisted
They've got the free kick bends
They've got a lot of famous stars
They call friends
How they look from the stands
It's the best crowd yet
Some watch to remember
Some watch to forget

So I called up the manager
"please bring me a win"
He said "We haven't hosted a cup here
since around 1910."
And still those voices
are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcopme to the Hotel Insanity
just a 1-1 draw
no action at all
You're living it up at the Hotel Insanity
What a nice suprise
two draws in two tries

A retractable ceiling
Twenty overhead lights
And he said "We are all prisoners here
of our own device."
And in the locker room,
They gathered for the release
They all want a weekend pass
But it's just out of reach

Last thing I remember, I was
running for the door
I had to take a plane ride back
to the place I was before
"relax" said the toll man
"We are all programmed to receive.
You can exit any time you like,
but you can never leave!"

Welcome to the Hotel Insanity
just a 1-1 draw
no action at all
But there's plenty of fans at the Hotel Insanity
come from far away
"Goal"'s what I heard them say

Belmorian Literacy Reaches Critical Levels

[quotes example]


If there is a tie, then East Spaam will be hoping
that the Snub Nose 38 vs Kaze Progessa match will also be a tie. Lets just
hope that if we lose, The Belmore Family don't make any spelling errors in
their match report.

From the Kangaroo:

STICKLERS STORM SPAAMANIANS

Members of the Progressan Pedantics Society have marched on the hotel in Warnocks Wizards where the journalists of the East Spaamanian are staying to cover the World Cup, waving banners with slogans 'Hypocrites' and 'East Spaamanian Literacy Reaches Critical Levels'.

'It is clear from this article,' shouted one protester, waving a copy of the paper's Weekly Headlines sheet, 'that they criticise the Belmorians for their grammatical incompetence, then produce two examples of their own later in the same sheet! Look! They spelt our nation name wrong! And there's an apostrophe missing on 'Let's' over there!'

The East Spaamanian journalists were unavailable for comment.

In other news, the Progressans have to defeat Snub Nose 38 to qualify for the knockout stages of the World Cup, after a 4-1 defeat to The Belmore Family so dismal the whole country ripped up rival newspapers that covered the match. We didn't, because we knew you wouldn't want to read about the match that made you cry at your TV screens.

---Post deleted by NationStates Moderators---

Audioslavia are 2-1 down at half-time against Runaway Moose. The players trudge back to their dressing room

Lee: for fuck sake, dude we need to win this game

Paul: yeah well, theres 45 minutes left mate

Lee: yeah but we shouldnt have to come back from 2-1, we should be in the lead. Wheres Jonny Willow when you need him?

Paul: Johnny's in a jiffy-bag slowly rotting away, forget about it

Lee: tsh. we could have done with Steve playing

Paul: well yeah, but he can't can he, the TnUFBI finally got to him after you sent them to TBF

Lee: yeah... i dont think theyre gonna forgive me for that

Paul: me either, Chris and I have a bet on that you'll be next

Lee: OI! you cheeky fucker

Chris: heh, sorry Lee but its easy money, your ass is theirs dude

Lee: :/

the players slump down on the benches and await their team-manager's spirit-lifting speech.

Lee: Where's Kenny?

Paul: he's dead isnt he, they got him the other day

Lee: fuck yeah, i forgot about that

Paul: like you forgot to warn him that you knew he'd be the TnUFBI's next target

Lee: shut up Paul. Right, anyone fancy being acting manager

Alan: dude your the captain

Paul: yeah man, give us all a big speech, tell us how to win

Lee: fine (standing up) 'slaves.... you have come to fight as free men, and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?

Paul: Fight against the Mooses? no way, imana runaway, and imana live

Lee: Aye, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while.
And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to
trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one
chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take
our lives, but they'll never take our slavery! Audio gu bra!

Paul: ......youve just watched Braveheart havent you?

Lee: That's extremely historically innacurate

Paul: yeah i know, the blue and white flag didnt even exist then

Lee: i dont mean the film, i mean the 'me just watching it' bit. I saw it ages ago.

Chris: what's it about?

Lee: it's about those fucks in Tha Machine wanting freedom from Audioslavia

Chris: fair enough

Lee: anyway, heres the speech: if we manage to win this one i'll buy you all an ounce. now fuck off

Team: OK THEN!

the players leave the dressing-room, Lee makes Pete stay behind for a second

Lee: Paul...

Paul: yeah?

Lee: how much does an ounce cost in TnUI?

Paul: about 10 meeps

Lee: ah cool, and how much is that in real money?

Paul: about three grand

Lee: shit...

Final Score

Audioslavia 3
Runaway Moose 2

[code:1:ff42de326e]
Group H
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Audioslavia 2 2 0 0 4 2 2 6
Kerla 1 1 0 0 3 2 1 3
Total n Utter Insanity 1 0 0 1 0 1 -1 0
Runaway Moose 2 0 0 2 4 6 -2 0
[/code:1:ff42de326e]

The 'slaves team enter the dressing-room again, looking tired but happy as theyve just all-but-secured a place in the second round. Chris walks up to Lee

Chris: an ounce please

Lee: aw man, give me a couple of days, ive got to get the money together first

Chris: ok, but im gonna pounce on you every day until you give me it

Lee: ok dude... wanker

Chris: what was that?

Lee: nothing man, ok lads, lets get changed and out of here before we all get executed, hey... Nandy where are you going? and why are you wearing a red jumper?

Nandy: i dunno man, i just thought i'd take a stroll...

Lee: are you insane?

Nandy: just because i wear tight tops doesnt make me an Insanician dude, i'm Audioslavian born and bred

Lee: i mean are you mentally ill?

Nandy: hey i aint Belmorian either

Lee: gargh.... god... ok just fuck off you, you suck shit anyway, i dont care if the TnUFBI get you anyway

Nandy: ok, bye

Lee: bye Nandy

the door closes, a gun-shot is heard, and the sound of a 7-foot guy falling over echoes through the changing room.

Lee: so... anyone else want to go for a stroll?

Alan: well i wouldnt mind....

Lee: ok, thats fine you suck too

Paul: Lee, quit it otherwise were not gonna have any team left by the time we play Kerla

Lee: ok dude, Alan, you just tag along at the back of the group. Chris you guard the front, make sure we dont get any Ninja Insanicians like last time.

Chris: OK Boss

Lee: dont call me boss, it makes me sound like a perfume

Chris: fine

the 'slaves cautiously make their way to the bus. After checking over it for half an hour to look for any gas leaks or brake problems, all seems fine, and they board the bus

Lee: wheres Alan?

Matty: he went for a stroll

Lee: oh for fuck sake. Fuck him then

to be continued...

10 Meeps ~ £3,300

I'm loving these RPs, AS should play in TnUI more often.

tr0pplep0sht

d0pplep0sht

10 Meeps ~ £3,300

I'm loving these RPs, AS should play in TnUI more often.

edited :)

if i get my way, TnUI will be playing in AS in four years time :twisted: :P

but yeah, im liking killing off half my squad in groovy ways :)

Tanah Burung v. Ariddia

Singh: “Well, it’s been an uphill struggle again. Nil all, and Ariddia has reaped just one point in two matches. . .”

Kim: “It had been some time since we’d played Tanah Burung. Good team. Nice country. I went there on holidays a few years ago.”

Singh: “Yes, their ideals are fairly similar to ours. . . There was no nastiness on the field, at any rate. . . and surprisingly few fouls. One for Tanah Burung, two for Ariddia.”

Kim: “Let’s take a look at some of the replays. Here’s the fourteenth minute. Tanah Burung have had possession over sixty percent of the time, and it culminates here. They get past Cocher, kick it right between Wahd’s legs. . . It’s a shot! And Mayantar saves it right up in the corner.”

Singh: “Thirty-eight minute. A Ti almost scores after a well-placed corner kick by Li, but the goalie reacts fast, keeping it at nil-all. We hadn’t seen Ti in action much before today, but she’s definitely been showing her skills today. Fiftieth minute, a long shot from Wu to Edge, and a well-aimed, narrow-angle shot on goal. . . again, saved.”

Kim: “And at the eighty-fourth minute, Mayantar moves out to block an attack, almost misses her intercept try, but manages to kick it to Wahd, who clears it. And that’s about it. At the end of the match, the players of the two teams swapped shirts and congratulated one another. . . as you can see on these pictures. By the way, what happened to that spider who was looking for us the other day?”

Singh: “No idea. Obviously it’s still looking, since we’re both alive and uneaten.”

Kim: “The two go together, usually. Are you sure it wanted to eat us?”

Singh: “That’s what Giant Evil Spiders do, isn’t it? Why do you think they’re called evil, my lovely puny human colleague?”

Kim: *laughs* “Good point. What about the one that ate that Lemmitanian?”

Singh: “Its fate is still being decided, I think. Well, assuming our friend doesn’t find us in the meantime, we’ll see you for the next match! G’night. . .”

Aquilla won over Busby 3-1

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/kingsford.jpg

World Cup 11 - Group G:
Giant Zucchini vs Kingsford:
Post Match Report

This high-paced and enthralling match in Dorien Park, Total n Utter Insanity ended in a deserved draw thanks to a dramatic late goal from Kingsford. Giant Zucchini had taken the lead through a second-half goal from Kerrnigit, but Kingsford created chance after chance in the final 30 minutes in search of an equalizer.
The wily Urk and the hard-running Krak again drove Giant Zucchini. Kingsford attacked well themselves and are now on two points in Group C. However, they must face Squornshelous next, while Giant Zucchini have two points but take on Gesamtkuntswerk.

The teams established a physical tone to the match in the early going, with hard and late tackles quickly becoming a common sight. Both sides attacked as aggressively as they defended, moving the ball through midfield with short passes and good technical play.

The first chance of the match fell to Kingsford, who did well to swivel and shoot from an angle, but he sent the ball over the crossbar from 15 metres (9’). Giant Zucchini came back with a near miss soon after, with Zurk firing just wide of the right post from 35 metres (12’).

Giant Zucchini had a period of sustained pressure in the middle of the half, but they twice failed to take advantage when first Urk and then Phoot received the ball in dangerous positions only to be dispossessed by the defence before they could shoot.
Kingsford missed a gem of a chance when they took the ball down the left wing and centered for a streaking striker, but with tons of time and worlds of space, he fired over the bar from 12 metres (33’).

Giant Zucchini came close to getting the game’s first goal shortly after the interval, but Phoot could not get enough of his head on the ball to direct it on goal from close range (47’). A minute later, Phoot made a wonder first touch to control a long-ball from midfield, but his wild shot from 15 metres flew over the bar (48’).

Next, it was Kingsford’s turn to miss a good chance. After some wonderful work on the left wing, the ball eventually made its way to a striker, who shook off a defender with a cut to his left but fired his shot from the edge of the area wide of the left post (51’).

With all the good opportunities, a goal had to come, and one finally did when Kerrnigit first had a shot blocked by a defender and saw the rebound bounce back to him. He made no mistake with the second try, slotting the ball inside the near post from eight metres (1:0, 56’).

After giving up the goal, Kingsford attacked with abandon. They had two good looks at goal from the edge of the area, but both shots were fired wildly over the bar.

The Kingsford coach tried to spark his team’s attack by bringing on two forwards, and one of them made his coach look like a genius when he scored the equaliser. Kingsford created confusion in the Zucchini area when he flicked a header on to another second-half substitute who played the ball back across the goal mouth, where the forward made certain not to miss this one with the net vacated (1:1, 86’).

Both teams had their chances to grab the winner in the closing minutes. First the Kingsford goalkeeper saved Zonk’s shot from 10 metres (90’). Then Kingsford came right back with a counter-attack, and after dribbling past the keeper, he shot well over the goal with the empty net beckoning (90’).


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 1
Kerrnigit (56)

Kingsford - 1
(86)

Man of the Match: Kerrnigit

The Group of Death=The Group of Draws?

The teams of group G continued the trend set last matchday, with both matches ending in draws. Squornshelous was stuck in another 0-0 draw, this time with Gesamkuntswerk. This leaves the group standings looking like this:

[code:1:2512c31e6e]
Group G
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Kingsford 2 0 2 0 2 2 0 2
Gesamtkuntswerk 2 0 2 0 1 1 0 2
Giant Zucchini 2 0 2 0 1 1 0 2
Squornshelous 2 0 2 0 0 0 0 2
[/code:1:2512c31e6e]

All sides can still qualify for the second round, although Kingsford has the best chance, as they have more Goals for than any other team, and would qualify with a draw, as long as Gesamkuntswerk and Giant Zucchini don't draw and each score 2 more than Kingsford does (i.e. Kingsford 1-1 Squornshelous and Giant Zucchini 3-3 Gesamkuntswerk). However, any team that wins in matchday three will qualify, and any team that loses wil not.

Battle of Emerald Heights ends in a Tie

A major game to win or tie for Eauz, started off very interesting. Les Bleus came out attacking, out shooting Oglethorpia in the first half of the game. Unfortunatly, nothing resulted from the shots. The closest they came was a shot high in the top right corner of the goal, which was stopped by the acrobatic goalie. (Look for that on the highlight reel) The match ended in a 0 - 0 tie, which gives both teams 1 point. It appears that if neither wins their next game, the 2 favored teams of the Group would be eliminated in the first round.

This is to inform you that results have now been sent by telegram to all nations* involved in World Cup matches in Warnocks Wizards (groups A-D).

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards

*The result of the Warnocks Wizards-Ariddia match will be telegrammed by Total n Utter Insanity later in the day.

Sowhatsville News

Repeat of game one as Halfassed defeat Nastic 2.

Once again Halfassed took to the field facing a lower ranked team in group F. Once again St. Frys Park was filled to its 66,000 capacity. Once again the match was played at a furious pace and Halfassed took the lead.
This time it was a Lecter pass that set Soap through the middle and the Captain hit a first time shot that beat the Nastic keeper and nestled in the bottom corner of the net. 1-0
That remained the score until the 58th minute when Nastic 2 pulled level. After a concerted period of pressure, the Halfassed defence seemed to be holding out, until a shot from 30 yards was blocked by Ducks. The ball bounced across the edge of the box and as Riddle went to clear, he was challenged by the Nastic 2 #9. This caused Riddle to mis-hit his clearance, and it fell for the Nastic 2 #10 who volleyed first time beyond the dispairing dive of Jennung. 1-1
Just five minutes later, Halfassed re-took the lead. Perfect broke clear down the wing and ran into the box, as the keeper advanced towards him, he cut the ball back to the on-rushing Totti who side-footed the ball home for his first ever international goal. 2-1
With 15 minutes left, Halfassed took a two goal lead. Gunnet received the ball from Perfect and rolled it back to Soap. Seeing the run of Totti, Soap played the ball behind the Nastic 2 defence, and Totti rushed through to be 1-on-1 with the keeper. He calmly slide the ball under the diving keepers legs and watched it roll into the right-hand corner of the net. 3-1
In the closing minutes Totti had the chance of a hat-trick but the keeper saved at his feet when he broke through. Lecter also had a great chance, but he dragged his shot wide with only the keeper to beat.

Final score HAS - 3 Nastic2 - 1.

With the other score in the group unknown at this time, Halfassed have put themselvesin a prime spot for qualifiaction, and Nastic 2 have to rely on a lot of other results going their way if they are to progress.

Next Matches;

EB Vs HAS @ the field
Nas2 Vs Odd @ St Frys

The match Busby-Rejistania has just ended, the result: 1-1(OOC: I know that you are only interested in the score). The mood in the rejistanian team is not high but also not abysmal - or somehow both at the same time.
Hexen Imdila (coach): No reason to be down. 't was a good match!
Syku Hexen (goalie): Wasn't! This slani penalty shot!
Nana Daki (substitute goalie): Ah, don't be blue, 'bout it! You still did a good job.
Sijij Kansu (substitute defender): Well, it was my error that this penalty was given. If you want to get angry, get angry about my error.
Ila Iles (substitute defender): Stop to slani talk as if we were slani trashed! To remind you, it was a 1-1!
Inik Linkosa (midfielder): Yeah, thanks to Xese!
SyLy (I don't need to tell you who he is): This is not the Cup of Harmony we're in, so we can't be playing as bad as you all think!
Syku Hexen: If we won, we'd be through!
Inik Linkosa: Sanja'slani!
Laxtu Takil (co-coach): Now the match between Lemmitania and Aquilla decides. Let's hope Aquilla wins or draws, cause then we are in the vinali mjekese*
(short silence)
Kansu Kiru (defender): When will we be told the result?
Hexen Imdila: I have no idea!
Ila Iles: Selme! Selme relek!
Nana Daki: Everything that is worth to be archieved is worth to wait for!
Ila Iles: Keep quiet with your gila~e proverbs!
Sijij Kansu: Well, if we don't go through, it has one advantage!
Xeseja Su (forward): Which?
Sijij Kansu: My tax refund will be processed more quickly!
Xeseja Su: Why are you always making fun of my job?
Jen Y (substitute forward): Because it is a bit funny to see that the best rejis forward works at the revenue office.
Xeseja Su: You lack the right attitude to your team!
Sijij Kansu: And you are inconsequent! If you would play for a first-league club, you'd never have to play against Karela!
Xeseja Su: You don't want to say that the Karela lines won't get promoted!
Sijij Kansu: I want to say that!
Xeseja Su: Don't insult the yellows!
Hexen Imdila: Calm down, both of you!
Sijij Kansu: Let's bet! One million lil'kansu'ny that the Karela Lines will be in the second league this day, next year!
Xeseja Su: One Million, accepted! You give me the amount if they are higher!
Sijij Kansu: Accepted!
Ila Iles: Xese, you are slani crazy!
Xeseja Su: So what?
Ila Iles: You'll slani get into debts!
Xeseja Su: Sijij will!
(silence for a moment)

The rejistanian fans have also calculated, that Aquilla needs to win or draw against Lemmitania. Spontaniously a chant was invented (yes, in english, on the tune of 'Mathilda'):
A-ki-la,
A-ki-la,
Aquilla, jus' win this game and defeat Lemmitanha!

The Aquillan Match has also drawn 1-1.

In Group A, Aquilla and Rejistania go to the Group-of-16; former champs Lemmitania fail.

Next Matches:

Aquilla vs [TBF, E.Sp, KP, or SN38] @ The Dell
Rejistania vs [TBF, E.Sp, KP, or SN38] @ The Citadel

http://www.abelmore.com/TDB.JPG

Belmorians Sink Spaam

A high tempered game last night saw The Belmore Family sink any chances Spaam had of qualification.

The first half was thrilling, keeping everyone on their toes with the ball going end to end. The best Belmorian chance fell to Smith when his close range heeder was booted off the line. But the best chance of the half fell to Spaam when Kshitz Ghandi tripped <player 9> in the box. This was followed up by a dreadful penalty taken by <player 10> with the Goal Keeper having to do nothing to save the shot but stand still.

When the players came out of the tunnel for the second half, they were fired up more than ever. The tackles came in strong and hard, injuring Richard James, ensuring 40 minutes of play for Darius Slohe. But East Spaam, quickly recognizing the weakened Belmorian Squad set out, trying even harder for a goal. And that's what the got, <player 8>'s simple through ball got to <player 10> who just brushed it into the corner of the net giving East Spaam a 1-0 lead. It was obvious the Belmorians were missing James and were threatened several times. But the defense stood still giving the Spaamanians no space to shoot. So finally TBF ensured a place in the 2nd Round when Darius Slohe of all people latched onto Price's cross.

FINAL SCORE

THE BELMORE FAMILY 1
Darius Slohe (77)

EAST SPAAM 1
<player 10> (53)
Player 10 missed penalty

Attendance=74,320.109

Liverpool England Through With Draw

Ravenspire Match Not Neccessary to determine if ex-champs go through

Liverpool England 1 (Dirosa 6) One Red Dot 1 (Dirosa og 34)

Table:
Liverpool England (Played 3, Points 5)
Ravenspire (Played 2, Points 4)
One Red Dot (Played 3, Points 4)
BeS (Played 2, Points 1)

Torn from the pages of Scuttlebutt

Group C standings after Matchday 2
[code:1:aeeaacba9d]
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
The Belmore Family 2 1 0 1 4 3 1 3
East Spaam 2 1 0 1 2 1 1 3
Snub Nose 38 2 1 0 1 2 2 0 3
Kaze Progressa 2 1 0 1 2 4 -2 3
[/code:1:aeeaacba9d]

Group C Matchday 3 Results
The Belmore Family 1 - East Spaam 1
Kaze Progressa 0 - Snub Nose 38 1

Group C standings after Matchday 3
[code:1:aeeaacba9d]
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Snub Nose 38 3 2 0 1 3 2 1 6
The Belmore Family 3 1 1 1 5 4 1 4
East Spaam 3 1 1 1 3 2 1 4
Kaze Progressa 3 1 0 2 2 5 -3 3
[/code:1:aeeaacba9d]

Sportscaster: Some times, we at the Brazillico Sports Network like to report stories from abroad that are intreguing, humorous, riveting or informative. And at other times, we feel like we just need a good laugh to make us feel good about our network compared to the shotty work being done by some of our less-funded brothers.

Aquilla won over Busby 3-1

Sportscaster: *Takes off his glasses* I can honestly say, that in my 27 years of television, I don't believe I have ever seen anything quite like that before.

Excerpt from the sports pages of...
The Red Dot Informant


A Change of Administration

Yes, we may have changed our name, but the high quality of news that you got from The Freedom Times is still assured.


A Draw, A Fear of Elimination

ROHAN, WARNOCKS WIZARDS - A 1-1 draw with 10th seed Liverpool England has caused a certain fear within the Red Dot Sports Association. Despite the encouragement of knowing that One Red Dot made it to the 3rd/4th Placing Match in World Cup 10, the players seem to be unable to make it to that point now.

Head Coach Alvin Ker said that 'what was then was then, what is now is now. Our players are not the young buffs you saw last time ever since we've stopped recruiting more men. I kept depending on the old squad and it is a mistake on my own part. If we fail to reach the next round, I will revise the entire squad and it could possibly result in the removal of the entire present squad. Most of them are in their mid-30s and some of them also want to retire. I don't blame them for their poor form.'

Now, it is still possible for One Red Dot to proceed to the next round, but only IF Ravenspire looses to Belmorian Scandinavia by 2 goals although this is not entirely possible.


Essential World Cup Information

[code:1:0ed73d369c]
Group B
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Liverpool England 3 1 2 0 7 2 5 5
Ravenspire 2 1 1 0 2 1 1 4
One Red Dot 3 1 1 1 2 2 0 4
Belmorian Scandinavia 2 0 0 2 0 6 -6 0
[/code:1:0ed73d369c]

With the Ravenspire-Belmorian Scandinavia still unknown for now, Liverpool England, irregardless of that result, goes through to the next round. If Ravenspire wins or draws or loses by 1 goal, Ravenspire goes through. If Ravenspire loses by 2 goals or more, then One Red Dot proceeds. We hope for their worst. :twisted:

ORD World Cup Record:
[code:1:0ed73d369c]
World Cup WC4 WC5 WC6 WC7 WC8 WC9 WC10 WC11
Matches Played 9 10 17 13 13 17 7 17

Wins 3 5 9 9 6 8 4 10
Draws 3 0 7 1 2 4 1 6
Losses 3 5 1 3 5 5 2 1

Goals For 9 17 31 31 22 24 14 29
Average GF 1.00 1.70 1.82 2.38 1.69 1.41 2.00 1.71
Goals Against 10 16 16 9 19 19 11 7
Average GA 1.11 1.60 0.94 0.69 1.46 1.12 1.57 0.41
Goal Diff. –1 +1 +15 +22 +3 +5 +3 +22
Average GD -0.11 +0.11 +0.88 +1.69 +0.23 +0.29 +0.43 +1.29

Total Matches 9 19 36 49 62 79 86 103

Acc. Wins 3 8 17 26 32 40 44 54
Acc. Draws 3 3 10 11 13 17 18 24
Acc. Losses 3 8 9 12 17 22 24 25

Accumulated GF 9 26 57 88 110 134 148 177
Ave. Acc. GF 1.00 1.37 1.58 1.80 1.77 1.70 1.72 1.72
Accumulated GA 10 26 42 51 70 89 100 107
Ave. Acc. GA 1.11 1.37 1.17 1.04 1.13 1.13 1.16 1.04
Accumulated GD -1 0 +15 +37 +40 +45 +48 +70
Ave. Acc. GD -0.11 0 +0.42 +0.76 +0.65 +0.57 +0.58 +0.68

Average Opp. Rank# 20.50 13.00 21.33 25.40 41.80 26.29 16.86 26.00
Highest Opp. Rank 12 5 8 7 21 1 1 4
Lowest Opp. Rank# 30 26 50 52 68 79 50 50

Pre-Match Rank - 27 30 22 16 29 29 20

#Newbie ranks are excluded.
*Rounding-ups/downs may cause calculative errors in the table.[/code:1:0ed73d369c]


What It Should have Been

On the article '100th Match Proved a Bore Despite Hype', we wrote that it was a 0-0 draw. Due to the poor transfer of information between the departments, that score is wrong. The score should have been 2-2. We apologise for this error in our news article.

Alan Wilton strolls around TnUI's capital, taking in the sights and the sounds of the busy TnUIan life. He gets the odd weird look from the odd weird natives every so often, as can be expected when you walk around TnUI in an Audioslavian team track-suit, but he wanders happily along the street. All of a sudden he stops, turns to his left, and spies a pizza-stall next to a huoge bridge over-looking a chasm which stretches off as far as the eye can see. Alan wanders over to the pizza-stall and orders a Cheese and Tomato pizza, handing over his 0.2 of a meep to the big fat Insanician with a big black moustache. Another big fat insanician walks up to the stall and stands next to Alan. The man orders the biggest pizza that the stall has to offer. He is wearing a suit with a name-badge on.

Alan: hey...

Man: huh... oh, hi... yeah i'll have a meat-feast 15" pizza with pepperoni, extra cheese, pineapple and grated lemurs

Pizza-Dude: absolutely sir (turning round) yo! toni! mekka theesa guya a beeeg fackoff peetsa eh? and be quick you numbskoll! aye aye ayee!

Alan: What kind of language is that? dude are you Italian or Jewish?

Pizza-Dude: iyam botha signor, capeesh?

Alan: fair enough

The Man in the suit turns round to face Alan

Man: hey..... you an AShole?

Alan: no man, i was just asking him where he was from thats al...... oh you mean am i Audioslavian? umm........ no.... im Lemmitanian....

Man: thats what you all say when you go abroad 'hi... no its ok, i'm Lemmitanian' what kind of country has people that do that?

Alan: well y'know, we have a shit foreign policy so.... hey....

Alan looks at the man's name badge. It says 'Carl - WCC'

Alan: ... hey... youre.... youre a commisionaire for a toilet?

Carl: no dickhead, im on the World Cup Committee, well i was, y'know, theres so many dickheads on the WCC so i left. They couldnt organise a piss-up in a brewery.

Alan: did you meet Daniel Bryant?

Carl: yeah, that dickhead kept eating pizza... made me so hungry... hey toni! hurry up with that pizza motherf*cker!

two of the Pizza-Stall-Dudes turn around and give Carl a dirty look.

Carl: so... you say youre Lemmitanian?

Alan: yeah... im from Lem.....sip

Carl: youre from Lemsip?

Alan: yeah, its a nice place, you breathe the air and it makes you feel better. Nobody ever gets a cold in Lemsip

Carl: and just where the fuck is Lemsip?

Alan: its in Lemmitania

Carl: WHERE in Lemmitania you ASwipe

Alan: its near... Lea....mington Spa

Carl: what the fuck? those places dont exist! what the hell kind of people would be stupid enough to name a town 'Leamington Spa'

Alan: where are you from?

Carl: LLandyllgogocock. Hey stop getting off the subject, youre not Lemmitania, youre an Audioslavian

Alan: prove it!

Carl: youre wearing an Audioslavian team tracksuit, and youve just been on TnUIan TV where they described you as 'Audioslavian'.

Alan: ok so that does give it away... so they were showing the Audioslavia-Runaway Moose game on telly then?

Carl: well yeah, but thats not where i saw you on tv.

Alan: what program was i on then?

Carl: 'crimewatch'

Alan: crimewatch? why? why the hell am i crimewatch?

Carl: i thought we answered that question when i pointed out you were an AShole

Alan: they can arrest you for being an AShole?

Carl: hell yeah, its called 'ASholt and Battery'.

Alan: shit...

Pizza-Dude: heya yoo two, youra peetsas? theysa ready sirs, thankayou for buying fram ze 'Anchovi - Wanted: Fed or Alive' pizza stall!

Alan: no worries mate

Carl: cheers... anyway you AShole, i'll see you later, i would kill you and collect the ransom thats on your stupid blonde head but i'm hungry so... bye...

Alan: g'nite bitch

Carl: what did you call me?

Alan (munching on pizza): mmmff?

Carl: tut, nevermind, stupid AShole

Alan sits down on a nearby bench and munches on his pizza. A big black car pulls up opposite him, and two big TnUIans get out. They walk over to Alan Wilton.

Alan: hey

TnUIan A: Alan?

TnUIan B: Alan Wilton?

Alan: yeah, hi im from Lemmitania

TnUIan A: Dont give us that shit you ASclown

TnUIan B: You ASwipe

TnUIan A: You AShole

TnUIan B: You ASton Villa fan

TnUIan A: You ASbadger

TnUIan B: You.....

TnUIan A: aaah! beat you!

TnUIan B: fuck...

TnUIan A: anyway, you AShole

TnUIan B: you AScl..

TnUIan A: enough Bill

Bill: sorry Bob

Bob: right you AShole. In the car. You equals Dead.

Alan: can i at least eat my pizza first?

Bill: hell no motherf*cker

Bob: put it down motherf*cker

Bill: youre coming with us..

Bob: ...motherf*cker

Alan: yippy-kay-yay motherf*cker

Bill: what?

Bob: thats from 'Die Hard' i think

Bill: oh... HEY HE'S GETTING AWAY

Alan legs it away from the TnUIans and gets into their car. He cheeses it towards the bridge going at super-idiot-speed. To his dismay, the Audioslavian team bus is coming the other way. Alan grinds the car to a halt and sticks his head out of the sunroof. Lee Branson sticks his head out of the window, and they begin a short conversation

Lee: ALAN??

Alan: Lee! I cant talk dude, those two guys in suits are after me, look its ok, i saw this thing in a film, it'll be OK man, i'll see you at the hotel

Bill and Bob catch up to the car, but Alan has already started accelerating. He cheeses it towards the side of the bridge as Bill and Bob look on in bewilderment. Lee sighs, as Alan breaks through the barrier on the bridge. As the car begins falling away into the chasm far, far below them, Alan gets out of the sunroof and starts surfing on the car.

Lee: YOU EEJIT ALAN! TRIPLE X DID THAT WITH A PARACHUTE!

Alan: sshhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttt *clump*

Lee winces. Bill and Bob look over the edge at the chasm below. A small puff of smoke eminateed from a small crater. Bill throws an anvil down for comedy effect. Despite there being big river down there, Alan and his car had managed to hit the only bit of dry land down there. Bill and Bob start walking towards the pizza stall, as the Audioslavian team bus drives off back to the hotel. Neither party notices the purpley bluey boat sailing down the river below. It is the Kingsford team, taking an alternative route back from their Giant Zucchini game

Deyspar: what the fuck? a giant pizza?

Patel: cool.. what kind of cheese is on it?

Deyspar: i'd say it was Alan Stilton.....

Patel: is it safe to eat it? it might be poisonous...

Deyspar: nah man, there are no anchovies on this...

Patel: what are they then?

Deyspar: i think thats a kidney...

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

update on Audioslavian casualties:

Players
Jonny Willow (death by shot-gun)
John Harrison (death by poisoned gas)
Jonny Dexter (death by unknown means)
Steve Maplin (death by unknown means)
Nandy Yale (death by idiocy)
Alan Wilton (death by idiocy)

Other
Kenny Lravitz (death by big gun)
Bus Driver (death by shot-gun)

surviving players
Goalkeepers
1: Matty Pedder
13: Abdul Al-Alayami
23: Lemsencrantz Gilderstern

Defence
2: Lee Branson (captain)
5: Chris Jackson
14: Freddy Sixx
18: Michael Yorath
22: Lee Blind

Midfield
4: Nicky Shearer
7: Tom Lever
11: Paul Ward
17: Ben Goodwyn
21: Dave Mill

Forwards
10: Wayne Bury
12: Gary King
19: Craig Belmore

Films/Books/TV progs ripped off so far:
Pulp Fiction
Leon
Nineteen-Eighty Four
The Matrix
Braveheart
Die Hard
Speed 2
South Park

oh and...

g'nite bitches

Warnocks Wizards v. Ariddia

Singh: “Well, just two minutes remaining here in Warnocks Wizards, as Ariddia takes on the host in a stadium filled with Orcs, Orcs, Goblins, Orcs, Trolls and more Orcs. And a few Humans scattered here and there, some bravely waving the Ariddian flag. The Wizards scored in the fifty-first minute, then Clair equalised for Ariddia in the sixty-first, but it looks as though we’re going to stay on a draw.”

Kim: “Or maybe not! The Wizards are attempting one last attack. The stadium is cheering! Newville has been left behind, Dupont intercepts. . . and loses it! It’s a shot on goal! And. . . Mayantar saves it!”

Singh: “She tosses it to Wahd, and the referee whistles the end of the match. A nice end, although it doesn’t make much difference. With two points in three matches, Ariddia is going nowhere but home.”

Kim: “Time to pack our bags, then. Well, we’ll see you all some day! It’s been fun. . .”

Audioslavia's dressing room. There is an hour before the match against Kerla begins, and the 'slaves are discussing just who can play in the match. Lee Branson is holding the team-sheet.

Lee: right, i've picked the team, you guys listening?

Team: yeah

Lee: right, the surviving members of the first team are playing, so thats Matt in goal, me and Chris in defence, Nick, Tom and Paul in midfield, and Wayne up front... so we need two defenders, a midfielder and an attacker... so Gary, you partner Wayne up front, Ben can go back to playing on the wing for us... so that'll be your first game in a while eh old man?

Ben: heh, hey dont call me old-man dude, im 35, ive still got it

Lee: got what? a zimmer-frame and a bald patch?

Ben: fuck you

Lee: heh, ok, so that just leaves the two defenders to go with me and Chris... Lee, you play right-back, Mike can go left-back, so me and Chris will play as the two centre-backs

Chris: sounds good dude. you want me to give the team sheet to the ref?

Lee: yeah.. woah wait a sec, ive gotta sign it and put which players are injured.... do you reckon death counts as an injury?

Paul: umm.. i'd say so..

Lee: ok, so Jonny, John and Johnny are injured then, as well as Steve, Nandy and Alan... and i'll put me down as 'team manager'.

Paul: ok man...

the Audioslavians finish getting changed and trot out onto the pitch to riotous boos from the TnUIans in the crowd as well as the Kerlans. There are no Audioslavians of course, what with the ban on them. Half-time comes with no score, but Chris has missed 2 absoloute sitters. The players come back into the dressing room for the break

Lee: that was fucking awul people, what were you thinking? Paul? Ben? where are the crosses? youve been milling about... no offence Dave Mill....

Dave: none taken

Lee: youve been milling about doing nowt, and when the ball comes to you you just give it away! wheres the fire! wheres the energy?!

Paul: sorry man, but its a bit tiresome, what with everyone dying and stuff

Lee: i dont care, just start running at their defenders, look at them, their full-backs are petrified of you, and theyre too clumsy to get a tackle in, just run at them

Paul: ok ma..

Lee: and YOU Chris..

Chris: ...

Lee: look at me when i'm talking to you

Chris: huh?

Lee: (slapping Chris) are you awake?

Chris drops down dead.

Lee: WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! is there a fucking sniper in here?

Paul: no man, he has slappy death

Lee: what the fucking fuck is fucking motherf--- slappy death??!?!

Paul: he has slappy death, if he gets slapped he dies, remember what happened the last time we played TnUI? and their striker got pissed off and bitch-slapped him? he had a fit and couldnt breathe for like a minute

Lee: and that was because of slappydeath? i thought he was just chronically homophobic

Paul: no man..

Lee: so... so why didnt you tell me he had slappy death then!

Paul: dude, i would have but you were waving your hand-bag quicker than you could say 'you just killed our best player'

Lee: oh for fuck sake, so Chris is on the injury list as well? for fuck sake. Right, Mick, you come back into the centre of defence, Paul, you drop back and play left-back instead of left-wing, so i'm putting Dave on on left wing, is that OK?

Dave: thats fine with me

Lee: great. Freddy, put Chris in another Jiffy-bag

Freddy: we're out of Jiffy-bags, Nandy the big bugger used up all of them... hey does this mean we have to wear another black arm-band?

Lee: oh fuck yeah.. for fuck sake the entire right hand side of our sleeve just looks black now, we might as well wear a black kit... anyway Gary, Wayne, Ben, Paul and Dave... i'm counting on you guys now, lets get a win to round this group-stage off.... lets go!

Team: RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Final Score
Audioslavia 1 (King 49)
Kerla 0


[code:1:615901ffa5]
Group H
Name P W D L F A GD Pts
Audioslavia 3 3 0 0 5 2 3 9
Kerla 3 1 1 1 5 5 0 4
Total n Utter Insanity 2 0 1 1 2 3 -1 1
Runaway Moose 2 0 0 2 4 6 -2 0
[/code:1:615901ffa5]

The Magnificent Seven (1/3)

20 years ago…

In the wake of World Cup 7, Brazillico was all but forgotten on the global stage of international football. However, amidst the celebration of the after-parties following the tournament, they had a presence far greater than anyone present could have understood at the moment.

Sandro Colla was present at the World Cup being hosted in Audioslavia. He could still feel the effects of the warm July sun beating down during the day in the stuffy club. Colla continued to stroll around the festivities being housed in one of Audioslavia’s premier party spots, until he spotted Caddy Cannon, the prolific Alces Rex player.

Colla: Caddy! Quite a tournament you had there!

Cannon: Thanks… and you are?

Colla: Sandro Colla, Brazillico’s Minister for Sport and Culture.

Cannon: Oh yeah, I heard things aren’t too good back there.

Colla: Yeah, but hopefully we’ll have suppressed the revolution soon. Anyway, we’re trying to attract international players to Brazillico to sell the game and try to raise the spirits of the citizens. I was wondering if you were willing to participate?

Cannon: I dunno, I mean… I heard that wasn’t the safest place to be right now.

Colla: Nonsense, we’ll have our elite government protection agency with you at all times. It’s a four-city tour and then we’ll grant you an all-expenses paid trip to Isla Cojares.

Cannon: I heard that place is off the hinges. I’d love to, but do you think my girlfriend Rebecca could come with.

Colla: Uhhh yeah…we’ll take care of her.

Cannon: Alright, great! Sign me up.

Colla: Perfect! We’ll arrange to have you picked up on the 14th and make sure that Becca is there to meet you at Isla Cojares.

*The two men shake hands and go on mingling elsewhere in the club.*

One Week Later

*At Kalita International Airport Flight 116 from Runaway Moose arrives. Several minutes later, Caddy Cannon emerges from the terminal with a two large bags on a trolley. He spots a well-dressed man holding up a sign with CANNON neatly printed out on a large Bristol-board sign. Cannon meets up with the man and they both walk towards the limousine waiting in the 30-minute parking lot adjacent to the airport. The chauffeur opens the door and find none other than Sandro Colla with two glasses of champagne, sitting in the limousine waiting to greet him.*

Colla: Caddy! Good to see you! Have a safe trip?

*Hands Caddy a champagne flute*

Cannon: Yeah… flying first class was great… I got to have a few of these before I got here.

Colla: All the better, it’ll be cheaper for us!

*Both laugh*

Cannon: So where are we off to?

Colla: We understand that you’ve had a long day of travelling, so were gonna drop you off right away at your hotel. Get this, we landed you the presidential suite at the downtown Kalita Marriott.

Cannon: Sweet!

*Colla tops his glass off and Caddy’s as well.*

Colla: Cheers to a successful trip!

*Both raise their glasses and take a sip of their champagne.*

30 minutes later…

*Cannon and Colla arrive at the hotel and walk through the lobby of the lavish Kailta Marriott towards the escalators. As they reach the doors, Cannon stumbles and nearly falls flat on his face.*

Colla: Watch it sport, we don’t want you hurting yourself here.

Cannon: Haha, sorry, a few too many screwdrivers on the way.

Colla: Don’t worry. You know, my scouts tell me if you settled down and worked harder on your game, you could be the best in the world.

Cannon: Hey, I’m a natural.

Colla: You certainly are.

*The elevator reaches the top level and Cannon and Colla walk to room 2402. Colla opens the door and Cannon’s jaw nearly hits the floor.*

Colla: The penthouse presidential suite, what do you think of it?

Cannon: Wow! Hardwood flooring, gold accents, mahogany furniture…. Marble toilets! This is amazing. Hey… why are there six scantily clad babes lying down on my bed?

Colla: Well, they’re pretty, slim, athletic, well-coordinated girls… just like you like them I hear. Me and the rest of the government just wanted you to have a good time while you were down.

Cannon: Thanks… I’m definitely flattered and intrigued… but I mean… I’m engaged.

Colla: Oh, well in that case I must apologize on behalf of the entire administration for causing this awkward situation. Might I offer you a glass of water to help calm your nerves?

Cannon: Sure.

*Colla walks out towards the sink while Cannon tries to inconspicuously eye up the beauties lying on his bed.*

Colla: Your glass of water.

Cannon: Thank you. *Takes a stout sip*

Colla: Anyway, if you have a change of heart, I’m sure these women won’t be too far off. I’ll let you retire for the night.

Cannon: Thanks, g’night.

*Colla walks out the door and Cannon continues to explore the room, while periodically pausing to finish his glass of water. After realizing that the women are still on his bed, he politely asks them to leave. The women get up and begin to crowd around him, touching him, flattering him and inviting him to touch them. Cannon makes a swift move for the door, but to his surprise it is locked and he cannot open it.*

Cannon: You know ladies, I’ve got a girlfriend… Wow, you know what… the room is really spinning… I think I’ll take a nap. *Cannon falls to the floor*

Later on…

*Cannon can be seen face down on a bed, laying above the covers. He’s in the middle of a rather lack-lustre but dignified room, decorated in modern blacks and white. .RING..RING. Caddy’s head pops up from the puddle of drool he found himself lying in and instinctively sends his hand to pick up the telephone located at the headboard of his bed and answers with his dry mouth.*

Caddy: Hellloooo.

Rebecca: Caddy, where’ve you been?

Caddy: I’m in Brazillico on a promotional tour.

Rebecca: No you’re not, I’m calling your Runaway Moose residence number.

*Caddy looked around his room and his wits came to him in a sudden rush as he noticed he was in his apartment. He gave a quick glance towards his wristwatch and saw that it was 2:00 PM and the 17th of the month.*

Caddy: Oh… Wow. You’re never gonna believe the dream I had last night…

Nine months later…

The following inscriptions can be found in the book of birth registry for Kalita, Brazillico

[code:1:7a332ce4ce]May 12th, 2008
Family Name Birth Name Weight Height
Cannon Filipo 8lbs2oz 20”1/8
Cannon Rolando 8lbs15oz 21”3/8

May 15th, 2008
Family Name Birth Name Weight Height
Cannon Lisa 7lbs12oz 19”5/8

May 17th, 2008
Family Name Birth Name Weight Height
Cannon Tobias 8lbs5oz 20”

May 18th, 2008
Family Name Birth Name Weight Height
Cannon* Alex 7lbs14oz 19”7/8
Cannon* Sandro 7lbs15oz 19”3/4

May 21th, 2008
Family Name Birth Name Weight Height
Cannon Joao 8lbs12oz 20”7/8
*GEMINI[/code:1:7a332ce4ce]

To Be Continued…

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/gesamtkuntswerk.jpg

World Cup 11 - Group G:
Giant Zucchini vs Gesamtkuntswerk:
Post Match Report

Giant Zucchini booked their place in the second round through penalties against Gesamtkuntswerk, and they will move on from the “Group of Death”.

Giant Zucchini pushed forward to try to claim a goal and assure their progress, but Gesamtkuntswerk fought bravely and created chances of their own. But, with both sides relatively happy with the result, they coasted to claim a point each.

Gesamtkuntswerk are normally an unpredictable side, but with nothing to play for but pride, Giant Zucchini had to be on guard, especially from the start, when they thwarted good Gesamtkuntswerk build-ups.

Gesamtkuntswerk seemed to have an edge in pressure over the first quarter hour, until Giant Zucchini forward Phoot was able to sneak his toe on a low cross from the right side and direct a shot on goal. The goalkeeper was able to dive left and make the save (19’). That chance was followed by a 20-metre right-footer by Kerrnigit that the Gesamtkuntswerk keeper pulled in easily (20’).

After the brief sequence of Zucchini pressure, the game found a balance and the teams traded dangerous free kicks. Gesamtkuntswerk had a 20-metre shot from the left side saved by Oog (31’), and Kerrnigit launched a 25-metre chance that was off the mark (32’).

The speedy Urk then had his first opportunity when he raced around a defender into the penalty area, but his shot went wide (35’). At the other end, Gesamtkuntswerk had a shot stopped by Oog and the rebound cleared (37’).

In the closing minutes of the half, Giant Zucchini had several looks at goal, but most were either off target or blocked by Gesamtkuntswerk defenders. Poom had the best chance when the Gesamtkuntswerk keeper parried his 25-metre effort off the right post and away (44’).

Gesamtkuntswerk opened the second half breaking into the penalty area, but this foray did not result in a shot at Oog’s net. Kerrnigit then stepped up for another Giant Zucchini free kick and again missed the net, going high at the near post (56’).

From that point, Giant Zucchini enjoyed most of the possession but could not crack the Gesamtkuntswerk defence. Most of their chances came from shots outside the area, with many of those off target, while Gesamtkuntswerk seemed hesitant to bring players into the attack.

Substitute Zonk was on the end of a deflected cross near the penalty spot, but his first-time shot sailed over the crossbar. Moments later, he tried to catch the Gesamtkuntswerk keeper off his line, but Zonk’s 25-metre shot was also off target (76’).

Giant Zucchini’s Thunk nearly received a fortunate bounce when his off-balance cross from the by-line just skimmed the crossbar and eventually bounced out for a goal kick (79’).

In the end, both teams settled with a point. However, due to the fact that the Zucchinis and Gesamtkuntswerk have the same record, a penalty shootout was held between the teams to decide which would go through to the second round.

Phoot stepped up for the first penalty, but his weak shot was picked up comfortably by the Gesamtkuntswerk keeper. Gesamtkuntswerk did not make a mistake with their penalty, slamming it into the top corner. Urk then coolly buried his penalty into the bottom left corner as the keeper dived the wrong way, while Gesamtkuntswerk once again produced a thunderous penalty. Kerrnigit then curled his penalty into the top right corner of the net, while Gesamtkuntswerk struck the left post into the net, leaving Oog no chance. When Poom’s shot was palmed away from the goal, the Zucchinis thought it was over, but Gesamtkuntswerk blistering penalty destined for the top left corner was superbly intercepted by a leaping Oog, and the Zucchinis had a final chance. Zonk made no mistake from the spot, his shot bulging the top left corner of the net, but Gesamtkuntswerk’s final shot would decide the fate of the Zucchinis. Gesamtkuntswerk opted for the chip over Oog, and Oog had already fallen to his right. But Oog somehow propelled himself back towards the centre of the goal and punched the ball over the crossbar. That unbelievable save pushed the teams into sudden death. Quk drove his shot into the left post into the goal, and Gesamtkuntswerk felt the pressure. Their shot towards the left post was palmed beyond the post by Oog, and the Zucchinis once again qualify for the second round, helped no doubt by a spectacular display by Oog, and a penalty save the world will watch again and again I’m sure.


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 0


Gesamtkuntswerk - 0


Penalties:

Giant Zucchini: (4)
Phoot X
Urk O
Kerrnigit O
Poom X
Zonk O
Quk O

Gesamtkuntswerk: (3)
O
O
O
X
X
X


Man of the Match: Oog

Red and White Wizards Advance!

Controversial Olkrish the Swift Goal Continues the Quest for The Cup

From our news services...

Matchday 3, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–On a historic night at Fortress Warnock, the Red and White Wizards earned a crucial 1-1 draw with experienced Ariddia, sending the host side into the knock-out stages of the World Cup. A rocking home crowd sat through a tense match knowing that their Wizards needed a result to advance in the tournament. A bizarre and perhaps controversial first international goal from surprise starter Olkrish the Swift proved enough and set the Empire on a night of celebration.

Thinking his side needed to be shaken up after a rather mixed 0-0 performance against New Montreal States, Manager Ufwurz the Furious made several changes to the starting eleven. Versatile defender Ghazukh the Burner was a surprise omission, though Ufwurz noted after the match that the player is suffering from “vertigo.” Replacing him was fleet fullback Ufdush the Nasty. Akhklash the Emaciated, suffering apparently from dehydration due to playing two matches in close succession was dropped out of the squad. Bublok the Destroyer, normally deployed in a central position took his spot on the right of midfield. Ashmazh the Tough, after starting in the second match, was also a mystery scratch, with Globdreg the Destroyer inheriting the targetman position. Finally, Ufwurz shocked the experts by replacing all-time national leading scorer Ishklash the Snooty with inexperienced Olkrish the Swift. Rumours abound that the decision just may have something to do with the Snooty one refusing to wear the newly designed national team boot, Shelob’s Web-breaker.

Despite the changes to the starting eleven, the Wizards lined up in their favoured 4-3-1-2. The first half was a rather tense affair with both sides realising that a result of sorts was needed from the match. Experienced Ariddia needed a full three points to advance to round two, while the hosts needed a draw to continue their quest for the cup. Add a pedantic referee to the mix, and what is served is a tightly played match with little rhythm. Midfielder Gromdul the Gasher had the host’s only real chance of the half, but he headed an effort right into the arms of Ariddian keeper Lily Mayantar-Lejeune. For the visitors, Victor Menuisier pulled his shot just before halftime wide of the post. The first half mercifully ended with no time added on at 0-0.

After national mascot Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator lost yet another halftime penalty kicking contest to the tournament-designed desert and empty drinking glass mascots of Ariddia, the teams retook the pitch for the second half. This time, the Red and White Wizards looked energised after the customary “barrage of the decibels”–Ufwurz the Furious halftime team talk. They took the game immediately to the visiting Ariddians. Bagdreg the Mauler was causing problems down the visitor’s right hand side, and was really starting to link up well with the forwards. His cross in the forty-ninth minute eluded the Ariddian defense, giving Globdreg a free header. Mayantar-Lejeune saved well, low down to her left, negating the goal chance. The ensuing kick from the keeper was intercepted by the lively Gromdul. The Gasher released Bublok down the right. The Destroyer’s diagonal ball flew in behind the Ariddian defense, and Olkrish duly tried to run the ball down. Mayantar-Lejeune, ever quick off of her line, was quick to clear the ball across the touchline, knocking it hard against the stone of the lower portion of the stand on the far side of the pitch. It was at this point that controversy descended on Fortress Warnock

Hoping to quickly take the throw in, the sprinting Olkrish picked up the ball and hurled it at the goalkeeper who was running towards her own goal with her back to the touchline. The ball deflected off of the backside of the unaware Mayantar-Lejeune. With no one in the vicinity of the ball, Olkrish sprinted to it, striking it first time. The poor Ariddian goalkeeper could only watch in befuddled amazement as the ball sailed past her into the empty goal. The Ariddian players protested to the referee to no avail. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards and Fortress Warnock erupted in glee and merriment.

However, the lead would only last ten minutes for the home side. Ariddia, to their credit, did not collapse after the bizarre Olkrish goal, but pushed the Wizards for an equaliser. Auréélien Clair turned Ufdush the Nasty inside-out and unleashed a curling ball that eluded Globtakh the Timid in goal. A well taken goal, and the match was level again at 1-1. The Red and White Wizards then clamped down the Ariddian midfield, turning up the pressure on the visitors. As the match was entering its final stages and it became increasingly apparent the Wizards’ quest for the cup would continue, the players began to revel in the song and cheer from the stands. They nearly capped it off with a dramatic winner in stoppage time. Youngster Ufsnik the Virtuoso, a substitute seeing his first ever international action, took a Bagdreg pass and flew down the left side, leaving Ariddian defender Alexandre Newville for dead. The Virtuoso’s pacy cross was well-spotted by Abdel Dupont. However, the Ariddian buckled under a fair challenge from Skairash the Bald. The ball fell to Gabdul the Looter, whose well-hit shot was saved remarkably by a diving Mayantar-Lejeune. After the Ariddian keeper released the ball up field, the referee blew for full time, setting the Wizards on their way to the second round, and the Empire on its night of celebration. The Quest for The Cup could continue. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 1, Ariddia 1.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Akhkur the Toothless, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ufdush the Nasty, Gromdul the Gasher, Bagdreg the Mauler, Bublok the Destroyer (Ufsnik the Virtuoso 86), Skairash the Bald, Globdreg the Destroyer (Gabdul the Looter 70), Olkrish the Swift.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Akhburz the Straggler, Krumsnak the Sneaky.

With the draw against Ariddia, the National Team has finished second in Group D. For their next match in World Cup play, the Red and White Wizards face the winners of Group B, Ravenspire. The match will be played at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

After the Orange-Blues have heard the result, in the hotel.

Hexen Imdila: Akila have not won, but they have drawn.
*the team cheers*
SyLy: We're in the round-of-16!
Laxtu Takil: Don't say this word. TnUIans have killed people for smaller reasons.
SyLy: They can't understand rejistanian and they are surely not in WW.
Laxtu Takil: True.
Mata Koleni: Who is we play against?
Jen Y: You mean: 'Against who do we play?'
Mata Koleni: Yes, is I mean it.
Jen Y: Can Jistakaje formulate one single sentence without the word 'is'?
Mata Koleni: Is I don't think so. *smiles*
Hexen Imdila: We play against s-nu... a team difficult to pronounce!
Laxtu Takil: Make it: Snu nose lykejo.*
Hexen Imdila: Anyway, the TnUIan MINSS% have said, they have a 11% chance to win the cup.
Su Rajin: 'course they have. They have Margaret!
Many players: Who?
Su Rajin: A person, which sacrifices to the so-called 'random-number gods' to make the team win.
Ila Iles: Gila~e!
Hexen Imdila: You're sure?
Su Rajin: As sure as I can be.
Hexen Imdila: I need to phone.
SyLy: Our ally to the gods?
Hexen Imdila: There are no phones in the rejistanian jungle, but I want to call someone to contact him, yes.
Nana Daki: Who?
Hexen Imdila: Someone in Kalisimu, you don't know him.
Nana Daki: No, who is this ally?
SyLy: A shaman. We has tried to break the games-as-scoreless-end-draw curse of the Anti-Nazis in the first match.
Su Rajin: Our first match ended 0-0.
Lanhi Ijanhi: But the next match, the Anti-Nazis conceded 6 goals.
SyLy: Do you know every score of the Orange-Blues?
Su Rajin: Yes.
Nana Daki: Great, that means that the team may defeat us but not win after that?
Hexen Imdila: Well, I hope this time, there is not such a delay till it works.
Hexen Imdila (leaves and makes a long call. After that, he returns and says) Good, if they play using help from above, we do it too!

*lykejo: 38
% Ministry for incomprehensive numbers and strange statistics

Sowhatsville News Sports Section

Progress comes at a price.

With a place in the next round already secured, both Halfassed and Europa Britannia went into the final group game with the aim of finishing top of the group and so avoid meeting the inform (despite their rapidly depleting numbers) Audioslavia team in the second round.
With Halfassed having the edge on GD, a draw would have been enough to secure a meeting with surprise package Kerla or hosts TnUI in the next round.
A capacity of 500 packed into the ground for the match, most of the rest headed into the nearest town and packed its pubs to bursting point. An early pitch inspection by the match officials had concluded the game could go head, dispite the concerns of both managers.
Jarvis decided to protect some of his key personell, and so Jennung, Ducks, Soap, Lecter, Gunnett and Sherwood were all left out of the team, with Refeal, Empty, Sheilds, Smith, Time and Marks coming in. Riddle took over the captaincy.
The match was never going to live up to the pace of the previous two Halfassed games, with both sides playing a cagey game and any slick passing moves more often being broke up by the heavy pitch than the opposition.
The first half quickly became a dour midfield battle, with little in the way of chances for either side. Marks had a long range effort easily held by the EB keeper, while Upton headed over when given a free header from a Perfect corner.
Disaster hit in the 44th minute. Sheilds and Wall both went to clear a high ball, Wall seemed to call it as his and Sheilds tried to pull out of the challenge. Unfortunatly he lost his footing and slid under Wall as the vetren defender landed. Walls right foot landed on Sheilds ribs and the two players remained on the ground. Halfassed played the last minute of the half with 9 men, while Jarvis Smith waited to see what they injuries were.
At half-time, the doctors confirmed that Sheilds had 2 broken ribs and a punctured lung, Wall had ripped the tendons in his right ankle. In their place, Smith brought on Brokeum and Cook, still with the aim of resting his key players.
The second half continued in the same manner as the first half had progressed, neither side being able to string together enough passes to mount serious pressure on the opposition. EB did have a few more chances later on as they attempted to get the decisive goal. Refeal saved well from the #9, and the same player shot wide when 1-on-1 shortly afterwards.
Halfassed's only effort of note caused more problems for Jarvis. Time got a header on target but in doing so he also managed to collect the EB#5's head to the bottom of his jaw. The Halfassed striker was taken off unconscious and was later confirmed to have concussion and therefore be out of the rest of the tournament. Young Carl Smith was brought on to replace him.
The last ten minutes saw EB put some pressure on the Halfassed defence, but the match finished goalless, and Halfassed top the group on GD.
This means that EB will play Audioslavia in the next round, while Halfassed must wait for the outcome of the TnUI Vs Runaway Moose match to see if they will face Kerla or TnUI in the second round.

This is to inform you that results have now been sent by telegram to all nations* involved in second round World Cup matches in Warnocks Wizards.

Ufhur the Hated
Minister for Sport
Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards

*The result for the Ravenspire-Warnocks Wizards match will be telegrammed later today by Total n Utter Insanity.

TBF continue to third quarter final appearance

The new, TBF squad proved today that they are just as good as the previous making it into the quarter finals for TBF's first time. The star of the match was Fosam Smith whose two goals sealed the match.

The match was a total success for TBF, with the Belmorians controlling the game, showing much more talent that the Aquillans. But they got more and more frustrated as they continued to narrowly miss. The best squandered chance fell to Dan Price whose flying volley scraped to top of the cross bar to go over. But we finally got what we deserved on the 35th minute when Fosam Smith's superlative run down the wing came to a shot, narrowly saved by the keeper, needing Belmore only to tap the ball into the goal with his head. The teams then went into the break with The Belmore Family leading 1-0.

As the teams came out again Aquilla were downhearted, the manager had not bothered to turn up for the match and only left a note which was consistently filled with typos. But on the opposite the Belmorians came out charged after Alan Belmore's rousing speech going similar to:
"My boys, we have traveled to this most dreadful of nations. We must pull ourselves together and finish this worthless bunch of so-called humans (It is not known whether he was talking about the Aquillan media or their football team).

As the second half got underway TBF began a complete bombardment of Aquilla. It seemed as if the Aquillans had lost all hope to live, they were playing awful, there spectators had left the stadium and everyone had seemed even the team dog was laughing at them. So TBF, soaking it all up just took the ball forward, leaving the Aquillans in awe at what they could not muster up. So, inevitably Smith managed to score to increase the lead to 2-0 when the Belmorians when <insert name here> tripped Fosam just outside the box. The swirling kick left the keeper without a hope in hell of making a save. The Belmorians went wild. It was party time. So by the time Fosam squeezed the 3rd goal in, all of our supporters were to drunk to remember it.

FINAL SCORE
AQUILLA 0

THE BELMORE FAMILY 3
Daniel Price (35) Fosam Smith (72, 87)

<<marker>>

Edit with more info later.

d0pplep0sht

ooc: hah, this one is incredibly shit, but i'm planning to have only 11 players by the time i play my last game...

It is 7:00AM. Ten hours ago, it was determined that Europa Brittania would face Audioslavia in the second-round of the world cup. It is almost twenty-eight years to the day that the two sides played out a 1-1 draw in Brazillico's World Cup 4, and since then Europa Brittania have went on win a world cup and become arguably one of the greatest sides in world football. The remaining Audioslavian players are having trouble sleeping.

Freddy Sixx awoke from troubled dreams to find that he had been transformed in his bed into a monstrous insect.

There is a knock on his door. Its Audioslavia's captain/manager/undertaker Lee Branson, calling him for early morning training, today consisting of three laps of the pitch and a hole-digging session to bury the remains of messrs Yale and Jackson, and to scoop Alan Wilton up and put his remains in a bucket.

Lee: Fred! Freddy! yabba dabba do motherf*cker get out of bed, your late for training man!

Freddy awoke with a start at Lee's calling from the door, but as he tried to get up, found that he could not move. He looked down at his body, only half-covered by the blanket. He saw dozens of puny legs, waving around pathetically and dwarfed by the size of his big black shiney body. He tried to call out to Lee, but found that he quite simply did not have any voice. Lee opened the door.

Lee: oi Fred! get the fu...............................

Fred: ...

Lee: ...

Fred: ...

Lee: ...Fred?

Fred (moving about a bit): ...

Lee: umm.... what the fuck have those insanicians done to you dude

Fred: ...

Lee: ... umm.... hey Paul! come here a sec....

Fred: ...

Paul: what? who?.... oh.....

Lee: i found him like that...

Paul: oh..... and thats Fred right?

Lee: yes i believe so.. hey Fred.... umm... you still coming to training man?

Fred (rolling out of bed and onto the floor, moving awkwardly towards Lee and Paul): ...

Lee: ok man... ima leave this door open, you just follow us out onto the pitch...

It takes Fred half an hour to get out of the door and onto the team's training pitch. He trundles accross the field to meet the team, who are standing in a close huddle staring at him. Ben Goodwyn looks annoyed, and starts walking towards Freddy with an angry look on his face. As Ben gets closer to Freddy, he is crushed by a falling bowl of petunias. His last view of earth is the sight of a giant insect being crushed by a plummeting sperm-whale

Lee:............................. well thats improbable

update on Audioslavian casualties

Players
Jonny Willow (death by shot-gun)
John Harrison (death by poisoned gas)
Jonny Dexter (death by unknown means)
Steve Maplin (death by unknown means)
Nandy Yale (death by idiocy)
Alan Wilton (death by idiocy)
Freddy Sixx (death by sperm-whale)
Ben Goodwyn (death by bowl of petunias)

Other
Kenny Lravitz (death by big gun)
Bus Driver (death by shot-gun)

surviving players
Goalkeepers
1: Matty Pedder
13: Abdul Al-Alayami
23: Lemsencrantz Gilderstern

Defence
2: Lee Branson (captain)
5: Chris Jackson
18: Michael Yorath
22: Lee Blind

Midfield
4: Nicky Shearer
7: Tom Lever
11: Paul Ward
21: Dave Mill

Forwards
10: Wayne Bury
12: Gary King
19: Craig Belmore

Films/Books/TV progs ripped off so far:
Pulp Fiction
Leon
Nineteen-Eighty Four
The Matrix
Braveheart
Die Hard
Speed 2
South Park
Metamorphosis *new*
The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy *new*

THIS IS A PLEA FROM THE AUDIOSLAVIAN FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION: IF ANY ELIMINATED WORLD CUP TEAM HAS ANY PLAYERS ON IT'S SQUAD WHICH MEET THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA, COULD THEY PLEASE NOTIFY THE AUDIOSLAVIAN FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION IMMEDIATELY:

1: Players which have Audioslavian family members

2: Players which have never played a game your country's first team

The reason is this: The TnUI F.A. refuses to let Audioslavia recruit more players to make up for the team's..... 'injury' problem. However, there is a loophole in their evilness. They specifed that 'no Audioslavians can be recruited from Audioslavia... they must already be on a world-cup roster list'.

Aha! they said 'A' list, not specifically the Audioslavian roster-list! so... if any nation has any players with Audioslavian blood... that havent played for your nation's first team... please... we need players dude...

This has been a public service announcement from the 'Players4Slavers' foundation. Thankyou.

Hearing the Audioslavian appeal, Bambang Pinto catches a flight to Uhuhland. Finding the Audioslavian team, he knocks tentatively at the door.

"Please sirs, may i play? I was born during World Cup 5, when one of your fans had a liaison with my mother. And though i have only one arm, having lost the other in a competitive piercing accident, and am deaf in one ear, i sure would love to play football for the Snakes. I mean, 'slaves."

Liverpool England Association for Football and Sports (LEAFS)
To: Audioslavian FA
RE: Players

Oh, we have plenty of Audioslavian-born under 19s. Take them, all of them.


Liverpool England Knocked Out AET against NMS

HT Score: New Montreal States 2 Liverpool England 2
FT Score: New Montreal States 2 (<player> 4, 16) Liverpool England 2 (Dirosa 2, Hearne 44 pen)
HT-ET Score: New Montreal States 3 (<player> 4, 16, 100) Liverpool England 2 - NMS win on silver goal rule

Liverpool England were in high spirits at half time, having the score at 2-2, were sure that they could defeat relative newcomers New Montreal States, in their debut finals performance. Their finishing, however, let them down and they went into the extra period with their defence to thank, having been able to keep their opponents at bay. In the 100th minute, however, Player No. 11 completed his hat-trick with a marvellous chipped goal over Mark Hearne from way outside the area, securing a loss for the ex-champs on silver goals 2-3.

ASNN - Stars Breath Huge Sigh of Relief as Group Stages Ends
Kevin Mckeehan, Sports

GRAHAM CITY - The whole nation breathed a deep sigh of relief as the loss two days ago to Eauz nearly threatened the qualifying hopes of the nation. Fortunately, the goal differential saved the Stars again, just as it did last year.

The quarterfinals schedule has yet to be released, but it is expected that the Clans will at least get to the semis this year, and many fans expect a possible finals berth after their performance against Oglethorpia.

Lord MAckintosh and Team Captain Mark Jeremy warn fans not to be too optimistic: "We still have alot of tough competition to face. Teams like Giant Zucchini and Europa Brittania are going to be playing their hardest, and we still might not have enough skill or talent to be such teams," said Mackintosh in a post-Eauz game statement.

Jeremy echoed his manager in a statement yesterday, soon after he knew they had qualifyed for the quarters. "There is more thas enough competition left in this cup to get beaten hundreds of times over."

The quarterfinals schedule has yet to be released

It's in the scores thread, I gave you a link in your first matchday TG. Anyway first you have to get past Squornshelous in the second round.

Hearing the Audioslavian appeal, Bambang Pinto catches a flight to Uhuhland. Finding the Audioslavian team, he knocks tentatively at the door.

"Please sirs, may i play? I was born during World Cup 5, when one of your fans had a liaison with my mother. And though i have only one arm, having lost the other in a competitive piercing accident, and am deaf in one ear, i sure would love to play football for the Snakes. I mean, 'slaves."


Plot-hole
Audioslavia didnt qualify for WC5
Audioslavia are not in Uhuhland, they are in some place in TnUI :P

a knock is heard on Lee Branson's door

Bambang: Please sirs, may i play? I was born during World Cup 5, when one of your fans had a liaison with my mother. And though i have only one arm, having lost the other in a competitive piercing accident, and am deaf in one ear, i sure would love to play football for the Snakes. I mean, 'slaves.

Lee: you have only one arm? thats fine, our top striker in qualifying doesnt even have a head. your in dude

Lee and Bambang talk about many things, mainly his lack of an arm, his slag mother, and a quick warning about the possible imminent death. There is a knock on the door. Six people all wearing 'Liverpool England' tracksuits are standing outside Five of them look like twins, but there is a taller one who looks very different. They all have LE characteristics - the dark tan and the inflated ego - but theres something very.... Audioslavian..... about them

Lee: and... you are?

Hugh: Hey dude, like... dude, im Hugh, this is Pugh, the one at the end is Barney McGrew, thats Cuthbert, the small one is Dibble, and the one at the back is Grub

Lee: ah right, so thats Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub

Barney: yeah, we're all from the LE under 19 side, but we have Audioslavian parents. Well... they all have the same Audioslavian parent

Hugh: yeah, our surnames are all 'Pinto', apart from Barney McGrew of course, whos surname is 'McGrew'

Lee: no shit... well your Audioslavians alright.... you wanna play for Audioslavia?

Hugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub: YEAH!

The LEASs are given the ex-players old hotel-rooms and are introduced to the rest of the 15 players. Paul wants a word with Lee

Paul: dude... about these new guys

Lee: well i know they arent gonna be that good, but the way things are going we need all the help we can get... plus... If TnUI hates Audioslavians.... imagine how much theyre gonna hate someone who is half Audioslavian, and half Liverpool English!

Paul: you evil f*cker! ah well... by the way... who's this 'Pinto' guy?

Lee: i've no idea, he's some kind of Audioslavian male slut who keeps impregnating these foreign slags with some kind of football gene..... i dunno... i just... dont... know.....

----------------to be continued-----------------


New Additions
23: Bambang Pinto (TB)
Pos: Right-Back
Age: 20

24: Hugh Pinto
Pos: Central Midfield
Age: 17

25: Pugh Pinto
Pos: Central Midfield
Age: 17

26: Barney McGrew
Pos: Centre-Back
Age: 18

27: Cuthbert Pinto
Pos: Centre Forward
Age: 17

28: Dibble Pinto
Pos: Centre Forward
Age: 17

29: Grub Pinto
Pos: Centre-Back
Age: 17

http://www.t-web.co.uk/trumpgo.htm random isnt it? :)

A few hours after the match, when the Rejistanians calmed a bit down (you don't want to read only 'Jiiieee!' and similar words).

Ila Iles: I never expected that we'd even play against them!
Sijij Kansu: Be glad that I didn't bet with you before the match.
Ila Iles: Then, we surely wouldn't have won!
Sijij Kansu: (laughs) You wouldn't have played bad intensionally, would you?
Ila Iles: Well, if I ever would have accepted a bet with you, someone would take me to the icehouse.
Sen Ajil: Yeah, you must be mad if you bet with Sijij, his amount of wins is frightening!
Xeseja Su: Well, I know a bet, he can't win!
Sijij Kansu: We'll talk about that when I have won!
Xeseja Su: So you want to make the financial transfer without speaking?
Sijij Kansu: I won't lose!
Nana Daki: Don't get violent about it! Consider the furniture!
(suddently the phone rings, Hexen Imdila answers it, it is a short call. Imdila only answers thrice: 'Hejida', 'thanks' and 'we'll see')
Hexen Imdila: You won't believe, who congratulated our team.
SyLy: Then say it!
Hexen Imdila: Ha~e Hangila*!
Sen Ajil: Ha~e?
Hexen Imdila: Yes.
Sen Ajil: Great!
(Other players agree)
Hexen Imdila: And he warned us. He said in WC12 it won't be that easy for us to get that far, since he is now national coach of Abysmalistan.
SyLy: Abysmalistan?
Su Rajin: A small country in FIFA, known for the bad weather and their bad soccer teams. Abysmal City, their domestic champion was defeated by Inkatil Junis 28-0.
(some players laugh)
Syku Hexen: Ouch! And I thought, the last match against Hanin was a goalfest.
(again the phone rings, again Hexen Imdila answers it, this time the call is a bit longer, after he finished the call, he starts to laugh like crazy)
Laxtu Takil: WTF?
Hexen Imdila: It was the contact to the shaman. He said, the shaman had left the village to search a certain tree and that he couldn't find him to ask if he does the ceremony! We won this match without his help!
(The team cheers)


*Ha~e Hangila was the co-coach until the Empress Supercup. He was sacked because Imdila'he and he had always discussions about the right tactic.

Quoth the Wizard: “Evermore”

Red and White Wizards Put Ravens to the Sword, Advance in World Cup

From our news services...

Round Two, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–The Red and White Wizards ran out comfortable 2-0 winners over Ravenspire last night in front of a standing room only crowd at Fortress Warnock. The pressures of the second round knock out stage did not faze the inexperienced Wizards, instead it was the highly regarded Ravens who buckled under the pressure. Goals either side of half time from Mausnik the Cleaver and Ishklash the Snooty settled the tie, which was always looking like a victory for the Red and White over the Crimson and Black.

Manager Ufwurz the Furious made several changes to the side that drew with Ariddia in the last match of the group phase. Left back Akhkur the Toothless was sidelined with peridonitis and was replaced by Angband Balrog defender Ghaztrak the Gouger. Ghazukh the Burner recovered from his short stint with vertigo, caused according to team doctors by the heady prospect of advancing in the World Cup. He replaced Ufdush the Nasty in the starting lineup, who dropped to the substitutes bench. Gabdul the Looter made a surprise return to the first eleven. He came in for Bublok the Destroyer, who also dropped to the pine. With Gabdul’s return, Skairash the Bald made way at attacking midfielder for the Looter and moved over to right midfield. Ufwurz made one change up front: all-time national leading goal scorer Ishklash the Snooty started in place of Globdreg the Destroyer. Ufwurz rubbished claims the Ishklash did not play in the last match due to a dispute over footwear, but missed out instead because of suffering from “a particularly poor manicure.”

Despite the changes, the Wizards lined up in the familiar 4-3-1-2. However, the usual pair of little and large up front was dispensed with in favour of speed on the attack. The system caused nightmares for visiting Ravenspire, who employed a very ambitious 4-2-4. That said, it was the visitors who nearly scored first in the match. Midfielder Eileen Schiller’s telling ball found an open Seth Black with a clear path at goal. The Ravenspire striker in turn struck the ball well, but in the end it was tipped around the post by an increasingly impressive and composed Globtakh the Timid. After the Wizards settled to their opponent’s style of play, they began to slowly control a match in front of an adoring home crowd. Bagdreg the Mauler had the Wizards’ first chance of the evening from a free kick. Unfortunately for the midfielder, his shot curled around the wall but over the cross bar. After a couple of traded possessions, the Red and White Wizards did register their goal from a corner in the 17th minute.

Skairash the Bald’s in-swinging corner from the left found an unmarked Mausnik the Cruel in the penalty area. The tough Uruk’Hai defender finished well with a header past Ravenspire keeper Autumn Mistmarch. It was the defender’s second international goal and put the Red and White Wizards ahead at 1-0. The Ravens had a good period of possession after the goal, but no clear chances. Captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw was marshaling well at the back for the home side. The Wizards had a chance to double their lead at the end of the half, but Olkrish the Swift will kick himself for missing a sitter from eight yards. Halftime: Warnocks Wizards 1, Ravenspire 0.

After Warnocks Wizards national mascot Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator lost a halftime penalty shootout to the tournament-designed Ravenspire mascots of a raven and a cathedral, the two teams returned from their Team Keeps. Ravenspire kicked off the second half with a determination to level the score. The Red and White Wizards, for their part, looked content to sick back and attempt to hit the Ravens on the counter. The result was a quick flowing second half with chances for both teams. Strikers Hikari Kitsu and Kaede Kitsuki went close for the visitors but were denied by the post and a diving Ghazukh the Burner, respectively. Gabdul the Looter had an effort well held by Mistmarch at the other end. After Crystal Delamber skied one over from ten yards, it was the Wizards who answered with a 70th minute goal that settled the tie.

Gromdul the Gasher stole the ball from Ben Anders in midfield. The sphere fell for Bagdreg, whose floated diagonal ball found an on-rushing Olkrish the Swift. The Swift one was free behind the defense and had a one-on-one with keeper Mistmarch. The Ravenspirian made an inspired point-blank save, however the rebound fell to an open area at the top of the box. Ishklash the Snooty beat defender Anthony Jeffers to the ball and slotted the prize past the helpless keeper. 2-0 to the Red and White Wizards and the crowd were jubilant, realising their side had booked a place in the quarterfinals. Neither side had much of a chance to change the scoreline for the remainder of the match. It finished Warnocks Wizards 2, Ravenspire 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Ghaztrak the Gouger, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Gromdul the Gasher, Bagdreg the Mauler, Skairash the Bald, Gabdul the Looter (Bublok the Destroyer 72), Olkrish the Swift (Ufdush the Nasty 86), Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Globdreg the Destroyer.

With the victory over Ravenspire, the National Team has advanced to the World Cup Quarterfinals. For their next match in World Cup play, the Red and White Wizards face The Belmore Family. The match will be played at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

The Magnificent Seven (2/3)

A man is seen cautiously, but swiftly walking through the narrow halls of the Brazillico Library for National Archives. The vast, plain looking corridors of the secure area house thousands of files the government deems to be of interest, and in a nation that tracks its citizens as closely as Brazillico does, there are A LOT of files. The man, who is clad in a red-button down shirt and blue jeans, reaches the end of the East wing and comes to a door at the end of the hall which reads MAINTENANCE in big, bold letters. He looks behind to assure himself that no one is around and opens the door towards the janitor’s closet. Inside, he finds a shabbily-upheld, cramped area, with a broom, a mop and various other cleaning products and supplies. The man examines the room and finds something rather peculiar in the far-left corner of the closet underneath the mop. He gently moves the mop aside and sees a keyhole in the floor. “A secret hatch,” he tells himself as he scours about the room, looking for something which may be of service. The man finds a crowbar hung up on the adjacent wall, so he walks back over to the hatch and starts trying to jimmy it open. After an unexpected amount of effort, the man finally opens the hatch as a large cloud of dust emerges from the depths of the tunnel. He coughs and swats away the dust and begins to slide himself through the hole and make his way down a ladder which appears to have no end. After descending 40 rungs or so, he sees a faint light reflecting off the base of the tunnel. At last, he reaches the bottom of the ladder which leaves him in a well-lit, immaculately maintained room. The contrast of the dark tunnel to the snow white room temporarily blinds the man, but when he turns around, he sees the outline of three men. The scavenger turns back and makes a mad dash to the tunnel, but the two largest men give chase and quickly tackle him before he can escape.

Hernandez: Dr. Cosmo, I can’t say I’m surprised to see you here.

Cosmo stops struggling underneath the two men and relaxes to devote his attention to Hernandez

Hernandez: This is Top Secret government property. You could death for being caught trespassing here, Cosmo.

Cosmo: I want the Cannon file.

Hernandez: The one I’m holding in my hands? Waves the file I knew you wanted it, but all you had to do was ask. But I’m a reasonable guy, and for the interest of our national football program, I’ll give it to ya. *Hands Cosmo the file* Hell, I’d have even let you use the elevator.

Cosmo: How did you know I was coming?

Hernandez: The nation’s most secure files are down here. You know… we got something called surveillance cameras, plus you tripped the secret alarm when you opened the hatch. Besides, once you couldn’t find anything on the Cannon kids, I knew you’d eventually try to make your way here.

Cosmo looks down at the thick file entitled PROJECT REX CANNON

Cosmo: Where are the Cannon kids from?

Hernandez: How about you take a look at the file and we’ll talk after.

----------------------------------------------------
In Other News...

Trevors Denied to Audioslav Nationals

Anthony Trevors, the 20-year old Brazillican national striker, has been refused access to play for the Audioslavian team in WC11. Trevors would have qualified to play for Audioslavia through a grandfather clause, but since he took part in some of the World Cup qualification matches, although mostly as a reserve, the WCC has denied his request to let him play for the 'Slaves.

"We feel for our Audioslavic brothers," said Brazillico's WCC Delegate Steve Ribeiro, "We also had many heated run-ins back in the day with TnUI, and although we won them all, we'd like to help see them toil in misery in anyway possible!"

"Yeah, I'd have loved to play for the 'Slaves," said Trevors, "I mean, I've never really been to Audioslavia, haven't had the oppurtunity to visit Africa yet, but I think it would have been a great experience and an excellent chance to connect with my roots."

"No. No, No, No, No, NO!" exclaimed outgoing WCC president Carl Foxcroft, sporting the TnUI home jersey. "He's played internationally! We don't mind the ASholes getting jobbers like Bambang Pinto, but players who have talent.. and can actually score?? No way." Foxcroft then calmly dodged the questions while making his way into his electric pink limousine, before turning around and shouting "YOU'RE GOING DOWN ASHOLES!"

The fact that Brazillico would be relinquish Trevors seems quite trivial. Pepe, the striking star for Pasi City was kicked off the national team and with Trevors in the midst of a successful Harmony Cup campaign, it seems like football suicide to perform such a move.

"We're deep up front," assured Brazillico manager Dr. Horatio Cosmo, "If Trevors didn't express intrest in playing for the 'Slaves after their association's call for help, this would have never come up. Anyway, it looks like he'll be staying here after all for the Harmony Cup."

*we’re in the dark (well, that’s not unusual). actually, we’re in a cave. a cave that’s located quite some distance up a very large mountain. over by the entrance is someone we only know as “margaret”, binoculars in hand, rubber chicken and pouch with two eagle feathers hanging from her belt, observing something down below. to her left are ben and eileen dover, manager and assistant manager of the snub nose 38 national football side, the hooligans. behind us in the cave we hear whimpering. turning to look over our shoulder, we see huddled against the wall, sucking his thumb, the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages. the whimpering is coming from the minister, who is also mumbling between whimpers.*

- Two to nothing!… Two!… To nothing!
- What are they doing, Margaret?
- They’re plowing everything under, Ben.
- Everything?
- Everything, Eileen.
- Two!…To!…Nothing!
- Can one of you get the loon to shut up?
- I’ll give it a try.
- Thanks, Eileen.
- Let me look, Margaret.
- In a minute, Ben.
- Well, then, at least tell me what’s going on down there!
- They’re plowing. Everything. Under.
- And…?
- And salting the earth. HUGE quantities of salt.
- The swimming pool?
- Plowed under.
- Two!…Nothing!…To!…
- Please get a hold of yourself.
- Et Tu?
- Just smack him one, Eileen. That usually works.
- I’m not really much of a “smacker”, Margaret…unless, of course, we’re talking about the nose of a Giant Evil Spider.
- We’re not – but smack him anyway.
- To Nothing!…
- Do be quite, or I will have to smack you!
- What about the mansion?
- Plowed under.
- That was a big mansion.
- That was a big plow.
- What about the gardens? The acres and acres of formal gardens that…
- Have been plowed under, Eileen. Plowed under.
- All of them?
- And thoroughly salted. Nothing will ever grow there again.
- That’d be a lot of salt.
- They’re using a fleet of trucks equipped with those things they use to spread sand on snowy roads.
- Too?
- If you can’t get him to shut up, Eileen, I can.
- I’ll take care of him, Margaret. *in a whisper* shh…shh…quite down, now…
- And what about the…
- The everything, Ben. The everything. It’s all been plowed under. The gardens, the drive, the mansion, the garage, the barns, the gazebo, the pathways, the fish pond, the fountains, the airstrip…there is nothing left.
- Two…to…nothing…
- Don’t you start in too, Ben.
- Sorry. I just can’t believe the Hooligans lost to Rejiwhosiwhatsis 2 to zip.
- Well, they did, Ben, and we’re all going to have to live with it.
- As long as we live with it, and not the opposite.
- If we keep out of sight long enough, The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Frost-Free Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38 will calm down, and then we can go home.
- Well, we can all hope so. Who’s down there, anyway?
- Umm… the Minister of Health, Mining, and Obscure Rituals seems to be in charge. The Minister of Justice and Real Estate is down there, too, with his chief appraiser. The Minister of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids is taking notes. There’s a couple of reporters – looks like Felonia Sasalt, Lauren D’Order and Remington Grey. And a lot of guys with shovels, plows, and truck loads of salt.
- Anyone else?
- Well, I keep thinking I see Jack Cass, the Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery, but every gack!…You have got to stop doing that, Jack. It’s very annoying when you just pop in and out like that.
- Sorry, Margaret. Thought you could use the moral support
- What we could use is a way out of here.
- Well, Ben, I might just be able to help there.
- Too?…
- Eileen, stifle him!
- Waddaya mean, Jack?
- There’s a second entrance to this cave. And, of course, an entrance is also…
- An exit.
- Right. It’s way back there. It opens on the other side of the mountain, over the Alkali Desert.
- Well, let’s get going then.

*we really don’t want to go deeper into the black nothingness “back there”. and, since we have no business we can think of in the alkali desert, we take our leave*

Warnocks Wizards News Roundup

From our news services...

Cup Designers Go Missing
A series of freak disappearances have apparently befallen the goldsmith designers of the World Cup. The Cup, described by designers as “too precious for words,” was specially created for the current tournament by goldsmiths from both Total n Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards. On the advice of the Cup Committee, chaired by Secondary Mage Omega, the unique Cup was forged from the fires of Mount Doom. News has now arisen from a quagmire morass that the Dwarven Warnocks Wizards goldsmiths and their Insane counterparts that were involved in the creation of the vessel have now disappeared. The Ministry of Police is undertaking an investigation in the matter, although spokesperson Lobelia the Shrew decried, “Don’t expect a finding to the matter any time soon.” Interestingly, only two people who have been known to have touched the Cup have not disappeared–Chairman of the Football Federation Globmazh the Mean and Secondary Mage Omega.

Globmazh Makes Bold Prediction
Warnocks Wizards Football Federation Chairman Globmazh the Mean has today sensationally predicted that the Enlightened Empire will win the World Cup. The Chairman, who has keenly been following the tournament made his remarks at a football federations presidents luncheon. The Uruk’Hai, who it must be said looked a little tipsy from Uruk Grog, was overheard saying to his Snub Nose 38 counterpart, “From what I’ve seen, the Red and White Wizards are going to walk this tournament. Our lads have the skill, determination, and work rate to prevail. Mark my words, the Cup is ours. We must win it. We will win it.” Minister for Sport Ufhur the Hated upon hearing the brash statement, is said to be perturbed and commented to a reporter, “In truth, the Cup is the property of all the nations participating in this tournament. We must share the dream. No matter the outcome, the international community is the winner.”

Strange Bluebox Sighted at Several Locations
The Ministry of Police have been swamped with messages over the past few days from distraught citizens across the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards. Wizardites are reporting sightings of a strange blue box appearing from the mist and forming outside of several cities. Reports from New Orthanc, New Minas Morgul, New Osgiliath, and Mount Doom all describe the same occurrence. A rectangular blue box appears from no where. After appearing, a tall man with fair, curly hair donned in odd velvet attire, emerges from the mysterious blue box, holding a red crystalline structure. A few witnesses have seen this same individual in attendance at World Cup matches. The Ministry of Police asks that should this person be witnessed, to please contact the nearest security installation. Given the current political situation in Middle Earth, some anonymous figures in the MoP fear that the man may be part of a larger spy network using the football tournament as a hoax to collect information about our benevolent Empire.

Despite Losing Every Penalty Shootout, Rahzlok Still Pleased
He’s tall, scaly, has a drooling problem, and can’t seem to win a penalty shootout. Despite all that life has thrown at him, Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator is a pleased crocodilian. His Red and White Wizards are doing better than expected and have advanced to the quarterfinals. Through four matches, the Wizards are still undefeated and alive in World Cup play. The same could not be said for the nine-foot tall salivating alligator. Poor Rahzlok has lost every mascot penalty shootout at halftime of the Wizards’ World Cup matches. He’s lost to a crocodile (Tanah Burung), a strutting potted iris plant (New Montreal States), a pair of desert and empty drinking glass mascots (Ariddia), and a raven and a cathedral (Ravenspire). After taking some much needed lessons from Giant Evil Spider football star Mia Woodenfeet, Arch-Mage Rahzlok has mixed feelings about facing a group of clones donning “Alan” shirts tomorrow: “I would like to win ssssssometime, but I fear a win may disssssssrupt the balance of thingsssss, ressssssssulting in a Belmore Family victory in the football match. I would rather ssssssssee mysssssssself lossssssse than the ladssssss.” Perhaps Wizardites should cheer on the “Alan” clones in the mascot shootout tomorrow.

Thrakhak the Slinger,
reporting for WW1

FLASHBACK:

“Giant Zucchini was stunned to a 2-0 loss to Dark Outcasts. Suddenly, the thought of Giant Zucchini not qualifying for the World Cup became a possible reality. Head Coach Mr. Hurr, "This is a very disappointing, possibly devastating result…We can only wait in hope that the players get their act back together…"”
- World Cup 6 Qualifying Group 3 (Leg 1)

“Giant Zucchini slinks back into its slump, losing 2 matches in a row, the latest 1-2 to Dark Outcasts. Head Coach Mr Hurr, "The situation is returning, now worse than ever, because there are so few matches left. We'll just have to try harder…"”
- World Cup 6 Qualifying Group 3 (Leg 2)

“Outcasts' last match against Giant Zucchini (if I am not mistaken a vegetable) was a complete shables to put it lightly. The team were given a stiff talking too at the end of the 3-0 loss…”
- World Cup 9 Group F

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/dark_outcasts.jpg

World Cup 11 - Round of 16:
Giant Zucchini vs Dark Outcasts:
Post Match Report

Zonk scored a golden goal to give Giant Zucchini a victory in Castle Rock, Total n Utter Insanity and move them into the semi-finals. It was a scrappy match with neither side giving an inch.
However, the Zucchinis came out the brighter in extra time, and substitute Zonk finished an Krak’s cross beautifully.

Both teams looked good in the attack early, with the likely suspects, Dark Outcasts’ frontline and Giant Zucchini’s Urk, leading the way. Although neither goalkeeper was tested in the first quarter hour, Dark Outcasts and Poom each had dangerous opportunities in the penalty area, but both were dispossessed before they could shoot.

Dark Outcasts were unlucky not to open the scoring when they put a shot past Giant Zucchini keeper Oog only to see it stopped by another Dark Outcasts forward. Although he managed to put his own shot in the net, the goal was disallowed when he was ruled offside (19’).

Phoot let a golden opportunity slip buy when a pass from Urk seemed to find Phoot ready to bury the ball into the back of the net from six metres, but his first touch let him down, and the ball rolled out of danger (28’).

Things did not get better for Phoot as the first half continued. He missed another gem of a chance when Gung served a low cross from the left side that Phoot again failed to direct toward goal from in close (39’).

Dark Outcasts robbed Poom of a goal shortly before half-time. Urk lofted a wonderful ball into the area, and Poom headed it past the Dark Outcasts keeper, but a defender slid in to clear the ball off the line before it could roll into the goal (44’).

The second half started as the first did, with both teams looking dangerous. Dark Outcasts missed a goal by inches early in the second half as his free kick from 25 metres just missed the upper-right corner (53’). Then Poom made a nice run to get free in the area, but his shot was blocked by a defender (55’).

After the early forays by each side, Giant Zucchini had a period of sustained pressure. It looked as though that pressure was to pay off when Krak served a cross from the right that seemed destined to find Phoot, but a Dark Outcasts defender cleared it out of danger at the last instant (64’).

Scoring chances became far less frequent as the half wore on, and the Turkish defence especially did well to keep the Outcasts quiet. However, the Giant Zucchini attack seemed to get less precise. Poom gave away a great opportunity when he got behind the defence and, instead of shooting, he inexplicably launched a cross that sailed well out of danger (77’).

In stoppage time Dark Outcasts almost scored to put them into the quarterfinals but Oog did well to stop the shot from the edge of the area (92’+).

Giant Zucchini only needed four minutes of extra time to score the golden goal. Krak served a cross from the right touchline, and Zonk, who had come on for Phoot in the second half, swept the ball into the far-side netting with a beautiful half-volley from the edge of the goal area (94’, 1:0).


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 1
Zonk (94)

Dark Outcasts - 0


Man of the Match: Urk

From the excessively-sensationalist Kangaroo rival, the Daily Scream:

SNUBBIAN GRANNIES HELD IN CUP SHOCKS PROBE

Progressan investigators have confirmed they have arrested three Snub Nose 38 grandmothers in the bid to find 'Margaret', the woman accused of tampering with nets and balls in successive World Cups.

Photographs have been released of the ladies, who some believe have been conspiring to help their home nation win the World Cup in a so far unsuccessful plan that has merely led to a spate of upsets in recent Cups, including the sensational performances of Kerla and New Montreal States in the current Cup and of One Red Dot in the last. No further details can be revealed for legal reasons, so they are referred to as 'Margaret 1', 'Margaret 2' and 'Margaret 3'.

This photo shows Margaret 1:
http://www.cs.arizona.edu/icon/iconproj/ipimages/margaret.gif

This is Margaret 2:
http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/02/23/descriptive.video/link.margaret.pfanstiehl.jpg

And this is Margaret 3:
http://www.fuquayinn.com/images/margaret-maron.jpg

Police say they are 'confident' of preventing any further tampering with results. 'Margaret, whoever she may be, has caused immense damage to the Cup's integrity which must be restored.'

The Progressan Excelites - who believe the Cup's results are generated using spreadsheets and sophisticated hologram technology recreates the results generated - say they are 'ashamed' of the 'use of Margaret as a sacrifice'. One said 'this is an attack on the liberty of three old ladies who are not in any way linked to the World Cup - though I hear they weren't too happy when Rejistania beat Snub Nose 38.'

From the excessively-sensationalist Kangaroo rival, the Daily Scream:


And given that the Kangaroo printed wild, unsubstantiated rumours about the hosts prior to this World Cup, that's quite a claim!

Globmazh the Mean
Chairman, Warnocks Wizards Football Federation

Scuttlebutt - Morning Edition

The Reports of My Arrest Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
Unknown Location Remington Grey

At an undisclosed location, somewhere in the Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38, this reporter located a small band of fugitives. They are being sought by the Sheriff of Remington County, who has been issued warrants for their arrest for allegedly "screwing up the national football side", "being very annoying", and "vagrancy".

Sitting around a small campfire, in an extremely inhospitable landscape, surrounded by dust, sparse and scrubby vegetation, and miles and miles of nothing but nothing, I passed around an article from The Daily Scream, a Kaze Progressian publication, announcing the arrest of three elderly female snub nose 38 citizens. The article stated that Kaze Progressian authorities believe they have put a stop to the sacrificial supplication of the random number gods that have been being performed for the past 9 World Cups by someone known only as "Margaret".

Sitting across the campfire from me, Margaret herself had this to say:

"Ha! That'll be the day! To paraphrase Samuel Clemens, on reading the newspaper announcements of his recent death, "The reports of my arrest have been greatly exaggerated." And, where did they get those poor women? I'm just a bit insulted - I've been told by a few that I'm a bit of a "looker", and these poor souls...well, honestly."

Sitting next to Margaret, the sometime manager of the Hooligans, Ben Dover, said, "Funny, they don't look Snub Nosian."

OOC @ SN38: 'Where did they get these poor women?' <<< I searched for 'Margaret' in Google's image search :D

OOC @ WW: The Scream's series of scoops made the Kangaroo a bit mad themselves to prevent them losing readers - the Scream was almost neck-and-neck in circulation at one point. UK people, think of the Scream as the Sun and the Kangaroo as the Daily Mail, except while the Mail is trailing the Sun, the Scream is trailing the Kangaroo.

IC again... Editorial comment the next day from the cynical, not-that-sports-crazy, Left-wing broadsheet, The Nation Today:

This country - and others - must ignore this frivolous sensationalism

Yesterday the sensationalist Daily Scream announced they had evidence of three 'Margarets' who may have tampered with football results in several World Cups. The whole country gasped in horror, if you believe the response from some quarters. We didn't.

Why should we care about the conspiracy theories on spreadsheet manipulation, scheming elderly ladies and so on? More to the point, why should the police? This only proves that once crime is reduced, as has occured so effectively in Kaze Progressa, any police force is largely moot, and exists merely to provide authority to outrageous civil cases usually at the expense of liberty. And there can be no finer example than this.

Let us ignore the insane sport obsession, and concentrate instead on what's really wrong with our country. Civil rights are far weaker than they are in, say, Jaurania. Political freedoms continue to be limited at best. The high-tax policy is no longer working as a means of equitable redistribution of wealth. This is where we should focus our issues on.

And just for the record, Kaze Progressa went out of the World Cup at the first hurdle yet again. The millions of kaks invested in Sport Progressa have once again been wasted.

The Magnificent Seven (3/3)

Dr. Cosmo ran his fingers over the thick Manila folder with the words PROJECT REX CANNON on the front. He opened it up and read the first sheet of paper in the file.

[code:1:61eb07f622]PROJECT REX CANNON - Synopsis
-Wilfully lure Caddy Cannon of Runaway Moose to Brazillico, if he fails to comply, take him forcefully.
-Round up six women throughout Brazillico for gestation. Women will be selected based on body-fat ratios, hand-eye coordination and cardiovascular and muscular endurance.
-Intoxicate Cannon and ensure he has sexual intercourse with all six women. If alcohol fails, inject TX-7 into Cannon’s drink.

Hopefully, four to five women will get pregnant and we believe with the proper training, two or three will become soccer superstars and several others may contribute to the ladies’ program. These children will be isolated from society and engineered to know nothing except football.[/code:1:61eb07f622]

Cosmo: TX-7, is that some sort of hallucinogenic drug?

Hernandez: It’s a pill which knocks you out, erases your memory while increasing your sexual libido. Think of it as date rape’s big brother.

Cosmo scanned through the pages of the children’s early development.

Cosmo: “We’re ecstatic with the six males already showing signs of athletic maturity and coordination.” They’re talking about these kids like they’re robots! “Even more surprising, Lisa bested them all in the most recent battery of coordination tests.”

Hernandez: They were being trained to be high performance athletes.

Cosmo They were two years old!

Cosmo continues to scan through the pages of the file.

Cosmo: Look at the staff they got! Emilio Curtiba as their personal skills coach… Fujiko Sato as their personal trainer… Dr. James Nurinez as their sports psychologist… I had him in university!

Hernandez: This was a top governmental priority, they got the best money could buy.

Cosmo: How could Nurinez be teaching university and be with the kids at the same time?

Hernandez: He was only there on the weekends.

Cosmo: Must’ve been swamped with work.

Hernandez: Believe me, the old regime made it worth his while.

[code:1:61eb07f622]
At the tender age of eight, these kids are already showing the skills of polished junior varsity teams. However, I fear the children could use five hours of schooling instead of the usual three we’re accustomed to giving them. Although their football IQ is through the roof, their knowledge of arithmetic and language is sub-par compared to children of that age. The other day, Rolando told me that “I gots three-thirds of my glass left,” when he had finished all of his water. These kids will be football superstars, I simply urge you to increase their time in the classroom to ensure the can enjoy the gift of education which we take forgranted.

Emilio Curtiba
[/code:1:61eb07f622]

Cosmo flips to the next page

[code:1:61eb07f622]
CANNON SCHEDULE – REVISED
6:00 - Reveille
6:30 – Jog around lake
7:00 – Breakfast
7:30 – Skills practise
9:00 – Classes
11:30 – Lunch Break
12:00 – Classes
2:30 – Strength Training
3:30 – Skills Practise
5:00 – Supper
5:30 – Film Revision
6:30 – Cardiovascular Training
7:30 – Free Time
8:00 – Bedtime
[/code:1:61eb07f622]

Cosmo: And I thought I was hard on the nationals.

Hernandez: No one will question that these kids were pushed, but can you argue with the results?

Cosmo: I’d wait till they get out in the real world. So many things to do they haven’t experienced and they may grow tired of football.

Hernandez: If we want to win a cup again, I hope that doesn’t produce itself.

[code:1:61eb07f622]
These children are all exceptional. I have never seen such skill displayed by a group of 10 year-olds in my entire career as a scout. The defensive awareness of Joao reminds me of a young Sorin with the size to match his game. Rollie’s size, strength, speed and tackling ability have the potential to make him one of the finest defenders in the game. Filipo has the demeanor and tackling skills of your prototypical “workhorse midfielder” and shows occasional signs of offensive brilliance. Toby’s athletic ability is only eclipsed by his fantastic strikes and second to none vision of the field. Alex and Sandro are lightning quick, sensational dribblers, critical finishers and seem to share an unspoken bond when it comes to passing between each other. Even the girl, Lisa, is exceptional as a goalkeeper with her lightning quick reflexes and I reckon she could become the starter on several elite club teams.[/code:1:61eb07f622]

Cosmo: That one came from Joao Sangrito.

Hernandez: Brazillico’s Head Scout for the national team.

Cosmo: …who was an outspoken member of the revolution.

Hernandez: *Places his arm on Cosmo’s shoulders* I’m not sure if you understood me when I said they had a big budget on this. Sangrito needed the money and the old regime gave him plenty of it.

[code:1:61eb07f622]NOTICE – Auction of the Cannon Seven
It seems to be a mere eventuality that we shall succumb to the revolutionaries. We government officials should auction off as many assets as we can and take refuge in another country to be determined. We have notified several teams that we are prepared to auction off the Cannon Seven. At the age of 14, we have been told by several scouts that these players are good enough to play in the elite leagues. Lovefest, Kaza X-Teem, Alan City FC and Byrana FC have all expressed interest in purchasing the rights to these players. The auction shall be held in two days time.[/code:1:61eb07f622]

Cosmo: They’re still in Brazillico. What happened?

Hernandez: We stormed the compound where the Cannon kids were being housed the day before the auction. We considered auctioning off the kids to help fund the revolution, but we decided to keep them a secret for just a bit longer.

Cosmo: Until the Harmony Cup? Grabs a sheet from the file and holds it in the air.


Brazillico Thrashes Ariddia in Opening Match
Mysterious Cannon Kids prove to be the difference

When Brazillico sent their U-19 squad to the Founding Nations Cup, to keep their full national team in the Harmony Cup, many expected this team would be but a footnote in the tournament. However, after an emphatic 5-0 victory over the traditionally solid Ariddia, this team is turning some heads.

Scarier yet for international teams, seven of the eleven starters were a mere 15 years of age. And coincidently enough, they all bared the last name Cannon.

Alex and Sandro Cannon, the dynamic pair of striking twins each notched two goals. Tobias Cannon and Filipo Cannon gave the Cannon twins plenty of chances and Tobias scored a stunning goal on a free-kick. Rollie Cannon and Joao Cannon were solid on Brazillico’s back line, giving the Arridian offence very few chances. And in net, Lisa Cannon made history by becoming the first woman to ever play internationally for Brazillico, and although she was seldom tested, looked sharp when the ball came her way.

Although not only the Cannon kids played well today and the entire team looked sharp, it is the fact that they are all so young that gives them their appeal. Add to that, all seven of them have come from relative obscurity and we have quite a story on our hands. Nonetheless, if this team continues to play this well, we should expect to see many of them on the national team by the time for the qualification round for World Cup 12 and who knows, maybe Brazillico would make it back to the cup?

Hernandez: Yeah, that way if they prove what we all know they can do on the global scene, we’ll get way more for them.

Cosmo: Hey, watch how you handle them. I want them on my national team.

Hernandez: Of course, we care about the kids but just want to make sure we get the biggest cut possible for the National Football Academy, so we can fund more talent at the grassroots level.

Cosmo shuts the file for Project Rex Cannon and hands it over to Hernandez

Cosmo: One last question, why didn’t you take any of the numerous local superstars for this project?

Hernandez: We tried to do such a thing with Alex Hernandez.

Cosmo: My boyhood idol. Is he your dad by any chance?

Hernandez: No, we unfortunately have no relation. However, Mr. Hernandez was more than willing to participate in such a program, but when his kids were born, he wanted to see them and spend time with them and they lost their killer instinct. Besides, no player in the world had Cannon’s size and natural ability at the time.

Cosmo: Alright, that’s all I came down for. *Starts walking towards the door*

Hernandez: Aren’t we forgetting something?

Cosmo: Did I forget my wallet? Because I’m sure it would be a bitch to get by security and such.

"This is officer Butkis. I need to order an airstrike. It's a royal and gold bus headed to the stadium of low visability. Kill them."

Those were the last words spoken of the team. Destroyed right outside the stadium before the match started, Squornshelous kicked four goals in without any Kingsforder players on the field. In this morbid act of intolerance, Kingsford will not be recognizing Squornshelous as a real nation anymore, and instead as "Stupidheads." The entire roster will be replaced, not since the destruction of the Evisceratomatoes against East Spaam has something this horrible happened. That glorious Kingsford World Cup 11 Team was no more.

"This is officer Butkis. I need to order an airstrike. It's a royal and gold bus headed to the stadium of low visability. Kill them."

Those were the last words spoken of the team. Destroyed right outside the stadium before the match started, Squornshelous kicked four goals in without any Kingsforder players on the field. In this morbid act of intolerance, Kingsford will not be recognizing Squornshelous as a real nation anymore, and instead as "Stupidheads." The entire roster will be replaced, not since the destruction of the Evisceratomatoes against East Spaam has something this horrible happened. That glorious Kingsford World Cup 11 Team was no more.

you had to raise the bar didnt you :P i was hoping the 'tomato's tally of 11 would be enough to win the 'most players executed' competition :P

ic:

THE CONCLUDING CHAPTERS OF: ESCAPE TO SLAVERY

starring
Lee Branson
Paul Ward
Zach De La Rocha
Tom Morello
Jeremy Jaffacake
Bambam Pinto
Jean Claude Van Spaam
Colonel Sanders
...and the Audioslavia football team.

Its a cold night in TnUI. The rain pours down on the Lowbury Stadium, drenching the already-saturated shirts of the 22 players on the field. Through a layer of drops and grime, the number '94:55' can be seen next to a clock on the scoreboard. Right next to it in big orange writing, the words 'Europa Brittania' and 'Audioslavia' are spelled out. Lee Branson wipes dirt off his forhead and sweeps his hair out of his eyes. Somewhere in the gloom, a whistle blows, inviting a horrendous roar from the far side of the stadium. As he drops to his knees, onto the cold turf and looks up again at the scoreboard. 'Europa Brittania 1. Audioslavia 0.' The scoreline is quickly replaced with the words 'EB WIN!' 'EB WIN!' 'EB WIN!' flashing on and off, sparkling behind the pouring rain. The Brittanian goalkeeper brushes past him as he runs to his team-mates.

Feeling sick to his stomach, Lee hoists himself up and walks towards Bambam Pinto, who doesnt seem to know what to do. Lee pats him on the back and winks at him. "Next time mate... next time...". Paul Ward looks to be on the verge of tears on the wing, and is comforted by a member of the EB coaching team. After a couple of minutes, the Audioslavian team has departed the field and enters the changing room. Sixteen TnUIans are there already. They dont look very happy.

TnUIan Soldier: FREEZE MOTHERF*CKS!

Lee sighs and looks at the room. 2 of the men are in regulation TnUArmy uniform, 11 of the others are in an army uniform he couldnt recognise, and another man is wearing a uniform with lots of decorations on it. The other two men are in sharp suits.

Lee: what now dude? what do you want? we'll be out of your country in 24 hour...

TnUIan Colonel: ENOUGH. We dont care about you, we care about the law. You are Audioslavians, and you are not playing in the world cup. Thus, my friends, you are breaking the law.

Lee: who the fuck are you?

TnUIan Colonel: Sanders. Colonel Sanders. Your friend John met me a while ago... unfortunately he couldnt stay for long...

Lee: you... bastard....

Colonel Sanders: now now Lee, lets not start throwing insults at each other you AShole. You lot are coming with me. Except you, Lemsencrantz Gildernstern.

Lemsencrantz: and whys that then you git?

The colonel shoots Lemsencrantz in the head.

Colonel Sanders: thats why. GUARDS! SEIZE THEM!

The players are rounded up and escorted out of the building and into the back of two army-trucks. Paul is thrown next to Lee. The trucks drive off

Paul (whispering): Lee?

Lee: yeah?

Paul: where are we going man? i dont have a good feeling about this

Lee: i'd be surprised if you did have a good feeling, having guns pointed at you and being lead off in dark trucks isnt my idea of fun

Paul: dont start, im not in the mood. You know where were going?

Lee: these seats

Paul: huh?

Lee: they have writing on them

Paul (looking down): where?

Lee: just near the end. There look, on your right

Paul: ah... 'T'.... 'n'..... 'U'............ oh god

Lee: i know...

Paul: were going to TnUJ

Lee: Total 'n Utter Jackass... one of the few remaining Nazi states around.

Paul: fuck dude...

Lee: i know.

The team are driven for hours. Some players fall asleep, but they are quickly slapped awake by the increasingly manic-looking guard. It is around midnight by the time the truck pulls to a stop, and its about 1:00 in the morning by the time the TnUJans finish their donuts and continue driving. By daybreak, the trucks pull up at what looks like a construction site, but the miles of barbed wire fencing tell the team it might be something worse. A TnUJan soldier orders them out, and the players walk out of the trucks in single file, still in their dirty football strip.

By Mid-day, the team are in brown overalls, have been given rooms with bunkbeds, and have each had a good kicking by a few of the guards. At 2:00, still without sleep in 36 hours, the team are ordered outside. The rain has given-way to baking sunlight, the mixture of heat and the cheap material of the overalls making the team uncomfortable as they line up against a white wall.

Colonel Sanders marches out of a building and stands facing the men. He begins to roll-call. Lee notices some familiar names not on his team's roster. It appears the Channel One reporters: Jeremy Jaffacake, Zach De La Rocha and Tom Morello have been captured. Also, Jean Claude Van Spaam is listed, and he stands on the end of the line.

Colonel Sanders: RIGHT YOU ASHOLES. FOR YOU, THE WORLD-CUP IS OVER

Lee: i know, we lost

Colonel Sanders: SILENCE! Anyone who speaks out-of-line again will be shot! you understand

Ali: yes

Colonel Sanders brings out his gun and shoots Al Alayami in the head.

Colonel Sanders: i dont think you heard me! anyone who speaks out of line will be shot! DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?

everyone remains silent, apart from Al Alayami who just gurgles a bit and slumps down the wall, making a read streak as he goes.

Colonel Sanders: OK ASWIPES! You each are to spend your time working for TnUJ until the day you die, is that understood? GOOD! NOW.... You jackASses will be allowed to sleep for a few hours until 2200 hours where you will be escorted to the railway to help the building of a new rail-track. You will do that for 10 hours, before departing for the barracks where you will sleep for 8 hours, before exersising and getting back to work. This will be your life, from now until the forseeable future. In the course of one year, you will see less than one hour of daylight, so take this scene in now motherf*ckers. You can mill about here for awhile, until General Specific and Private Public come and let you back into the barracks..... have a nice time in hell, and... ahem... 'goodnight... bitches...'

Colonel Sanders smiles evilly at Jeremy Jaffacake as he utters the immortal lines, and marches away...

TO BE CONTINUED (tommorow... in a more light-hearted manner, this was simply a... 'scene setter' :))

You guys all forgetting the revenge that the Evisceratomatoes had on the Spaamanians.... Spaam AND East Spaam and almost all their former players and officials were killed. I think that is teh record ;)

Red and White Wizards Disband the Belmore Family

Gabdul’s Goal Sends the Enlightened Empire to the World Cup Semifinal

From our news services...

Quarterfinal, Mount Doom, Warnocks Wizards–The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a Uruk’Hai scimitar. Gabdul the Looter stood over a penalty kick that could decide the match. He took a deep breath, glanced over at his manager who sat on the bench with his head in his hands. The Looter took one look at his foe, Belmore Family goalkeeper William Edwards. He strode up to the ball, as the crowd hushed in anticipation. Stroking the ball to his right, Gabdul watched as Edwards guessed correctly....but...could...not...quite...reach...the...ball. Goal! 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards. Fortress Warnock went absolutely insane. The belief was there. The Belmorians may have had thirty minutes to draw level but the fans, the players, and the management knew better. Only one team was ever going to advance to the World Cup semifinal now–the Red and White Wizards.

And so the tie was settled. The Belmorians threw all caution to the East Winds, but the back four of Ghaztrak the Gouger, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw, and Ghazukh the Burner dealt easily with all thrown at them (including some raspberries from the Belmore Family contigent). The few occasions where the Family attack worked a shot on goal, cool Wizard keeper Globtakh the Timid saved comfortably. Warnocks Wizards held on in the end for a 1-0 victory.

As the saying goes, the second half was only half of the battle. Manager Ufwurz the Furious named an unchanged side for the match, choosing to go with the same starting eleven that played so well against Ravenspire in round two. There was one change on the substitutes bench, however. Ashmazh the Tough replaced Globdreg the Destroyer on the pine. Hence the Wizards continued with their favoured 4-3-1-2 with two fleet strikers up front in the persons of Olkrish the Swift and Ishklash the Snooty. The pace of the front two would give problems for the visiting Belmore Family in the opening minutes of the first half.

The Belmorians kicked off the match, and looked a little pressured, perhaps the intimidating atmosphere of Fortress Warnock was affecting them. The host side nearly scored within the first five minutes. Gromdul the Gasher collected a bobbling ball from midfield and passed it forward to Skairash the Bald. With the sun glancing off of Skairash’s head blinding defender Alec Belmore temporarily, the Bald one skipped in to the open, unleashing a powerful shot on goal. Keeper Edwards was up to the task, pushing the ball down into the ground, while screaming at his teammates. A few minutes later both Olkrish and Ishklash went close but were denied by the post and backside of defender Kshitz Ghandi. After the shaky start, the Belmorians had their best period of the match. Midfielder Daniel Price had a shot off of a corner cleared off the line by Ghaztrak the Gouger. Player (but not head coach) Alan Belmore missed a sitter when it would have been easier to score. Finally, forward Fosam Smith had an attempt well held by Globtakh the Timid.

With the visitors controlling the match for a good twenty minutes, Manager Ufwurz the Furious was fuming on the sidelines. “WAKE UP!” he bellowed. “What are you, a bunch of hobbits slinking around in Farmer Maggotts’ crops?!?” Captain Shagrukh imposed his leadership on the side, and the Wizards composed themselves, took control of possession, and shepherded the match to halftime at 0-0. One event occurred late in the half that would play a vital role later on. Olkrish the Swift pulled up lame on an otherwise nice build-up of play. Ufwurz decided to wait until halftime to survey the extent of Olkrish’s injury. In the end, the player strained a hamstring and was replaced for the second half by Ashmazh the Tough.

After a halftime mascot penalty shootout during which nine-foot tall, salivating Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator lost convincingly to a score of “Alan” clones, the visitors emerged from their Team Keep. The Wizards were a little late to appear for the second half, the facade of the stadium could be felt to rumble presumably during Ufwurz the Furious’ crescendoing halftime team talk. The home side kicked off the second half, and looked a much more animated side. Ishklash the Snooty just missed the top corner from twenty yards out. Bagdreg the Mauler had a free kick well held by Edwards. Ghazukh the Burner had a header just tipped over the bar. On the stroke of the hour, the match was settled.

Bagdreg lofted a ball into the box for Ashmazh the Tough. The Uruk’Hai target man controlled well, bringing the ball down to his feet, clearly eyeing a chance to have a pop at goal. As Ashmazh was setting up to shoot, he was scythed down by defender Kshitz Ghandi. Perhaps “scythe” is being too kind to the stout Belmorian. Ghandi kicked, punched, and headbutted Ashmazh all in one motion. The referee pointed to the penalty spot and brandished a red card at Ghandi, who was demonstrating anything but passive resistance. Gabdul the Looter strolled up to take the penalty kick, and the rest is history. The Red and White Wizards are through to the World Cup semifinals! Full time: Warnocks Wizards 1, The Belmore Family 0.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Ghaztrak the Gouger, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Gromdul the Gasher, Bagdreg the Mauler, Skairash the Bald (Bublok the Destroyer 77), Gabdul the Looter, Olkrish the Swift (Ashmazh the Tough 46), Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Ufdush the Nasty, Akhklash the Emaciated.

With the victory over The Belmore Family, the National Team has advanced to the World Cup Semifinals. In that match, the Red and White Wizards face New Montreal States, a side they drew with during group play. The match will be played at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

From the Daily Scream's outspoken sports columnist, Garu Bangao:

HOW MUCH MORE NEEDS TO HAPPEN BEFORE THE SCEPTICS ARE CONVINCED?

After the Belmorians were defeated by a controversial penalty in Fortress Warnock - a stadium that lives up to its name thanks to a heady brew of partisan fans, partisan referees and partisan weather conditions - only one thing needs to be said now. The conspiracy theories are true.

This is the second time in a row that a nation has come from footballing backwardness to the semi-finals on home soil. Before that, the two co-hosts met each other in the final of World Cup 9.

Of course, these are fine individual nations. But so are many sides cheated out of victory by the excessive home advantage. Perhaps it is time that the tournament is held in a nation that are not in the finals, or on entirely neutral territory. Perhaps better, screen the officials carefully to ensure they are not biased - or biased against the home side to cancel out the fans' effect (Spaamian officials in a Belmorian-hosted Cup?).

This run of phenomenal home performance cannot be down to chance.

(OOC: I'm not a conspiracy theorist of this ilk OOCly, although I was during WC10. But I thought an IC post along these lines would spark an(other) interesting Progressan media scandal. The third in this Cup, no less.)

Late at night in the office of Globmazh the Mean...

The Chairman of Warnocks Wizards football federation sighs after signing his 100th letter of apology for bragging at a recent international football federation presidents' gathering. He sees the custodian Progesso the Crazy shuffling in.

Globmazh: "'Evening Progresso. Do you have any spare toilet paper on your cart? My private facilities seemed to have run out of their supply."

Progresso: "Hang on a minute, 'gov. Let me check."

Progresso disappears and after a moment's rummaging through his cart he reappears.

Progresso: "'Afraid I don't have any on the cart. I'll make sure some is brought in tomorrow. Perhaps you could use this in the meantime..."

Progresso hands Globmazh a wrinkled bit of cheap recycled paper.

Globmazh: "What's this? The latest Kangaroo and Daily Scream? This is ideal for toilet paper. Cheers, Progresso"

(OOC: Caddy Cannon is from LE, and has retired from international football.)

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/martinique.jpg

World Cup 11 - Quarterfinals:
Giant Zucchini vs Halfassedstates:
Post Match Report

Giant Zucchini got goals either side of half-time from Phoot, Kerrnigit and Urk to come from a goal behind and eliminate Halfassedstates. The champions from the days long gone move on to face the winner of Squornshelous and Europa Brittania in the semi-finals.
Attacking midfielder Kerrnigit had an eventful match in Ogle’s Doom, setting up the first goal, scoring a remarkable second from a free-kick, and then being sent off just minutes later. Jarvis Smith’s men got a goal from Robin Sherwood to take the advantage.

The two sides felt each other out for the lion’s share of the opening ten minutes. Prehistoric’s Phoot tried a speculative drive from just outside the box, but it came to nothing as both sides continued to sputter (6’).

Giant Zucchini did their best to surge into a trademark speedy attack, but Halfassedstates were massed in huge banks at the back looking to hit out on the break. A Kerrnigit free kick from way out took a big deflection and skipped just wide of Pat Jennung’s post (14’).

A good bit of work between Urk and Kerrnigit at the edge of the box ended in a tricky shot from Urk, but Jennung was well down to keep the swerving right-footed shot out (19’).

But a bit of confusion at the Giant Zucchini back line gifted Robin Sherwood the match’s first goal. A long ball in from Alf Gunnet was controlled poorly by Giant Zucchini defender Quk. The bouncing ball fell directly to Sherwood at the edge of the box and the golden boy marched in and finished well past a hapless Oog (0:1, 23’).

For the remainder of the half Giant Zucchini tried desperately to drag themselves back into the match, but it was Gunnet who went closest to scoring as his looping header just barely skipped over the bar (31’).

And at the last Giant Zucchini hit back with a bit of absolute brilliance. A long, mazy run through midfield by Kerrnigit opened up the Halfassedstates defence. A quick touch to Phoot in the box, and the forward hammered the ball into the corner of the net (1:1, 47’+).

Giant Zucchini hit out straight away after the break looking to go up on Halfassedstates. And it didn’t take long as a devilish free kick from Kerrnigit from 28 yards looped in over Jennung’s head (2:1, 50’).

A goal down, it was up to Halfassedstates to rally back, and Gunnet’s quick ball across the goal mouth nearly caught the Giant Zucchini defence in a nap (53’).

And in a rush of blood Halfassedstates looked to have caught a break as Kerrnigit, the hero of the match for Giant Zucchini, was given his marching orders for a studs-up challenge on Julie Ducks (57’). The Giant Zucchini danger man pleaded his case to the official, but in the end left the pitch surely feeling hard done by.

Julie Ducks hit out down the flank on a mission. A good turn inside the box from the defender opened up some space for a shot. The try took a deflection and sailed over the bar, but Halfassedstates were beginning to look a bit more dangerous on the attack (74’).

Just as the match seemed set, Poom ran down the right and crossed perfectly for Urk to half-volley home with superb timing past Jennung to add to his already impressive World Cup tally (3:1, 88’).

Despite being a man down, the Zucchinis kept possession and control through the meat of the second half. Halfassedstates, with the responsibility of attacking on their shoulders, never looked quite up to the task as they went tumbling out of the finals.


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 3
Phoot (47+), Kerrnigit (50), Urk (88}

Gesamtkuntswerk - 1
Sherwood (23)

Man of the Match: Phoot

After the match against New Montreal States, the mood is not good.

Ila Iles: Gila~e! 1-2 against New Montreal Statian collegeboys! That's the biggest slani you can imagine!
Kansu Kiru: The New Montrealis are really good!
Ila Iles: Come on, you say it because you scored against them.
Kansu Kiru: No, because I played in this match!
Ila Iles: Losing against collegeboys, the rejistanian soccer is lost!
Laxtu Takil: Go to Abysmalistan, pessimist!
Ila Iles: What in the name of Kuruda do you mean by this?
Laxtu Takil: Can you imagine that we also could failed qualification? Or that we could have been trashed in group stage?
Ila Iles: Well, exaggeration makes things clear!
Hexen Imdila: We had a great season and I think we all should thank the gods we worship for it.
Su Rajin: Small problem: I'm atheist!
Hexen Imdila: Then don't thank your god and simply be glad that you belonged to the most succesfull rejistanian national team ever.
SyLy: We aren't!
Hexen Imdila: I am not comparing with the handball team, I ment in soccer.
SyLy: Even in soccer we aren't the best rejistanian national team, you forgot about the future!
(since this sentence sounds good, we leave the Rejistanians now, but in 4 years, we are back)

(Overheard in the Head Office of the Giant Zucchini Broadcasting Corporation...)

Chairman: Look, the ratings of our World Cup coverage is decreasing! This hasn't happened since Gil was around! What is happening?

Subordinate 1: They have been tuning in to some Audioslavian drama, I think it's "Escape to Saliva" or something like that.

Subordinate 2: Who dat? Who derr?

Chairman: What's so good about it?

Subordinate 1: From what I have heard, they have some really famous and "cool" actors in it.

Chairman: Like?

Subordinate 1: Jean Claude Van Spaam.

Subordinate 2: Who dat? Who derr?

Chairman: We must match this. What can we do?

Subordinate 1: We can change our World Cup coverage format to the Audioslavia format. But we should only start from the next World Cup. There will be too little drama if we start now.

Chairman: Excellent. And it will give us time to look for some famous cool actors along the way. What else do we need?

Jean Claude Van Spaam: Your show needs a name.

Chairman: Good point. What shall we name it?

Arnold Jaaskelainen Schwarzenegger: "Jean Claude Van Spaam".

Subordinate 2: Who dat? Who derr?

Subordinate 1: What about "The Green Mile"?

Chairman: I think that will make an excellent name.

Jean Claude Van Spaam: "Jean Claude Van Spaam"?

Arnold Jaaskelainen Schwarzenegger: No, "The Green Mail".

Subordinate 1: "Mile".

Chairman: Yes. We shall call it that then.

Jean Claude Van Spaam: "Mile"?

Arnold Jaaskelainen Schwarzenegger: "That"?

Subordinate 2: Who dat? Who derr?

Chairman: None of those 4. It's "The Green Mile", get it?

Jean Claude Van Spaam: Got it.

Arnold Jaaskelainen Schwarzenegger: Get what?

Subordinate 2: Who dat? Who derr?

------------------------TO BE CONTINUED------------------------

Films/Books/TV progs/RPs ripped off so far:
Escape to Slavery
VH2 Presents: Behind the Country: A look at The Belmore Family

Plucky slaves overcome

A potentially slippery tie in the shape of Audioslavia proved to be slightly less than the challenge envisioned when EB prevailed 1-0 in the final sixteen matchup. A mixture of [alleged] mistreatment from Insanican officials, and the number of fresh, yet inexperienced recruits to make up for the unusual deathtoll amongst their players, led to a fairly weakened side. EB took to the field with renewed vigour, determined to book their place in the rounds ahead by forcing a result. The game however, was not the glamarous tie it had promised. The midfield was bogged down heavily, and what little action managed to reach each end was dealt with efficiently by the defence. On the only direct breach of the audioslavian defence, Lionel shot wide as the keeper did well to narrow his angle.

At half time eighteen year old Steven Heikenen made his international debut, replacing Derek Lionel who had taken a knock and wasn't risked for the second half. As it would transpore, Steven would get far more of a reception than he could have dreamed apon.

The game was tight, a breakthrough needed, both teams knowing just a single goal might be enough to rely on. Gradually, time dictated offense, and more and more pressing came apon both teams. AS had a stinging volley tipped round the near post by Hansen, and Heikenen a header rebound off the crossbar.

The deadlock was broken on eighty minutes, a long ball from Zdrilchrix was missed by an AS defender, allowing Kiwitz to sprint past and take the ball to the touchline. The Slavian keeper expertly punched clear, but a wicked deflection of the rear of Lester, set up Heikenen, who smashed an effort into the bottom right hand corner.


Brittanian fans were delirious, and celebration ensured. The Audioslavian bench reeled.



And so, after four minutes of injury time, and constant pressure, the full time whistle sounded, and with it the end of the game, and Audioslavia;s hopes of WC glory. Distrought, EB players and coaching staff comforted the opposition, taking the opperunity to leave the celebrating until they had left the pitch.


FInal Score-

Europa Brittania 1 Audioslavia 0

Heikenen 80



The rocky road winds on for former champions


Europa Brittania edged into the closing rounds of the world cup, with a narrow penalty shootout win over Squornshelous. The massive crowds from the homeland islands were confident and expectant, and their feelings were not best aired as EB fell behind to a tenth minute lead. A swerving volley took a minor deflection off the outstretched leg of O'Hanrahan, carrying past a frustrated Hansen and into the back of the net.

EB missed a golden oppertunity, with the keeper beaten, to level the scores. He failed to claim a tame cross from Huntly, yet Lionel managed to blaze over the bar with a gaping net in front of him.

The equaliser finally came shortly after half time. A scramble to clear the ball lead to a rebounding boot, that fell kindly to Kitiwtz, who blazed home from all of eight yards, to send the match into extra time, and give the former champions some breathing room.

The additional half hour was an unremarkable affair, with both teams happy to await a penalty shootout instead, and consolidating, rather than advancing. It came and passed, still tied one apiece.


And as it would be, Hansen, who came in for so much doubt as to his abilities to perform as EBs Number one keeper, pulled some world class saves to deny Squornshelous, and book another place for EB in the game ahead.


Final Score-

Europa Brittania 1 Squornshelous 1

Kiwitz 49

A.E.T

Europa Brittania 1 Squornshelous 1

A/ Penalties

Europa Brittania 5 Squornshelous 3

Giant task awaits former champions.


As the win against Squornshelous filtered through, thoughts immediatley turned to the semi-finals, and the massive form of Europa Brittania's opposition, the formidable GZ. The history between these two nations at football is of legend. Right down to the domestic scene, rivalry is the name of the game.

The notorious Nationstates champions league final between GZs Maurauding FC and EBs FC Atlantis, which ended in a narrow 2-1 win for the former, epitomises the competitive nature of games between these two nations. On the international scene, the story is no different, and with a host of Brittanian players plying their trade abroad within GZ, and vice versa, the rivalry can only renew with as much vigour as previously.

Two veterans, but only one will progress to the final, and its sure to be a close, close affair.

ESCAPE TO SLAVERY
part II: 'the annoying slow bit before the good bit'

The 'slaves settle down to eat after their hard-days railway-making. Lee Branson shifts his tray down the counter, watching the stone-faced Jackassian absent-mindedly chuck a bowl full of Melk on his tray, along with a drink of misty water. Lee grimaces and takes his tray towards the gun-metal-grey steel tables, with their gun-metal-grey steel chairs which are about as comfortable as having your mum find your porn collection.

Most of the tables are full, and unfortunately the only spaces are next to Zach De La Rocha, who hasnt been in a very pleasant mood lately. In fact, Zach has been very... very... angry. Despite being 63 years old now, he seems to have lost none of his scare-factor, and none of his hair. Lee goes to his table and sits down, nodding at Zach, who nods back through a mouthful of Melk.

Lee: eurgh... dude... whats this 'melk' stuff

Zack: its a sign of TnUJ's real power. A sign of their evilness. A sign that these... these Jackassians have no remorse... no mercy... and they will go to any lengths to prove it.

Lee: so.. what [i]is it

Zack: its Museli

Lee: aww man... man thats..

Zack: i know... we gotta get out o'this place... if its the last thing we ever do.....

Lee: Its a beautiful world out there.... for you... not me...

Zack: hey not for me either motherf*cker, im in this shit just like you.

Lee: oh yeah..

Tom Morello comes and sits down next to Lee. Zack perks up a bit on Tom's arrival. Tom Morello is now 64, and is going bald.... well... he's been going bald since he was 20, but thats not the point...

Tom: Hey Zack, hey Lee, wassup?

Lee: nothing man, this whole thing is just shit

Zack: Tom man, we gotta bust out

Tom: bust out? are you kidding me? the whole place is swarming with Jackasses. Its like theyve sent their whole military

Zack: all of it?

Tom: well.. a lot of it, i've seen over the wall man, theres so many tanks and army trucks...

Zack: So... if the Jackassians have the majority of their army here... then theyd be open to attack... right? SO WHY ISNT AUD..

Tom: SHUt the fuck up man! the Jackassians can hear you

Zack: how?

Tom: behind you, the telescreens, dont turn around man, lets just keep this down to a whisper right

Zack: ok man... but why isnt our country doing anything? We're one of the biggest nations on earth man, our army is huge, even if TnUJ put all their forces on full alert, we could still crush it in a day. Why arent they doing anything?

Tom: they dont know. its as simple as that. There was a treaty some time ago between TnUI and Audioslavia, about not letting any TnUIans into Audioslavia, and vice versa. Why do you think TnUI played all their WC7 games in Lemmitania? The WCC f*cked up and put us in TnUI for all our games. Under the clauses of that treaty, the TnUIans were allowed to kill us, which... to a certain extent... they did. To Audioslavia, we are the dead

Zack: We are the dead

Jackassian: you are the dead. Dinners over bitches, get to bed. Youre up at 2200 hours tonight, better get some rest motherf*ckers

Few people from the Audioslavian camp got any sleep, making that night's slave-labour all the more harder. As they sat down to eat, tempers were frayed. Tom, Lee and Zack sat together again

Zack: we... need... to... get... out

Tom: shut up zack, we cant and you know it

Lee: how could we possibly get out with half of TnUJ's military watching us?

Zack: we must be able to d... oh hey Jez

Audioslavian journalist and sports-reporter Jeremy Jaffacake sits down at the end of the table.

Jeremy: hey... hey wow, 3 of the 4 best players in the 'slaves history

Lee: nah were all here, Jonnys on the seat next to you

Jeremy (looking at a Jiffy-bag containing Johnny Willow's pulped remains): oh... thats nice...

Lee: If only we could get out with our football skills..... hey

Zack: man.. man thats an idea.... we could.... we could....

Lee: Zack youre forgetting... were Audioslavian.. we suck at football

Zack: how?

Lee: how? Genetics, thats how. In You, Tom, Myself and Johnny here, as well as Chris Jackson and Kim Thayill, our country has yeilded just six world-class players. Out of those six, three of them are sixty-year-old musicians, two are dead, and one of them is me. The rest of the players are good, but not great. Thats why none of our players play abroad, they just arent good enough, plus, the moneys better in Audioslavia.

Zack: dude... we wouldnt need to win the game, we'd just need to play the game...

Jeremy: hmm.... i think i see what your getting at...

Lee: what? wha? hey... explain....

Zack: well....

TO BE CONTINUED


update on Audioslavian casualties:

Players
Jonny Willow (death by shot-gun)
John Harrison (death by poisoned gas)
Jonny Dexter (death by unknown means)
Steve Maplin (death by unknown means)
Nandy Yale (death by idiocy)
Alan Wilton (death by idiocy)
Freddy Sixx (death by sperm-whale)
Ben Goodwyn (death by bowl of petunias)
Lemsencrantz Gildernstern (death by gun)
Abdul Al Alayami (death by imbecility)

Other
Kenny Lravitz (death by big gun)
Bus Driver (death by shot-gun)

surviving players
Goalkeepers
1: Matty Pedder

Defence
2: Lee Branson (captain)
5: Chris Jackson
18: Michael Yorath
22: Lee Blind

Midfield
4: Nicky Shearer
7: Tom Lever
11: Paul Ward
21: Dave Mill

Forwards
10: Wayne Bury
12: Gary King
19: Craig Belmore

Films/Books/TV progs ripped off so far:
Pulp Fiction
Leon
Nineteen-Eighty Four
The Matrix
Braveheart
Die Hard
Speed 2
South Park
Metamorphosis
The Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy
Escape To Victory *new*
The Italian Job *soon*
The Great Escape *soon*

Bands who's song lyrics have been ripped off:
Devo
Rage Against The Machine
The Animals

Secondary Mage Omega Considering Invoking Emergency Powers

Leader Cites The Sadistic Empire Plot, Carlos Conspiracy, & Spy Reports as
“Grave and Gathering Danger”

Prime Mage Fangallad Urges Government to Proceed with Caution

From our news sources...

New Orthanc, Warnocks Wizards–The One Ring may have been destroyed and the dark lord Sauron ultimately defeated, but we still live in troubling times indeed. Today Secondary Mage Omega announced that he is considering invoking the government’s right to emergency powers. In an unprecedented statement, the Acting Chairman of the High Council announced that he may declare martial law. The shadowy figure, known more in the past for his wearing of a mask than for his service on the High Council, cited several reasons for considering the drastic step: The Sadistic Empire plot to invade and control Middle Earth, the emerging Carlos the Chimp Conspiracy to humiliate and to perform future unknown crimes against WW, and the reported presence of a possible spy roaming the countryside and attending World Cup matches.

Recently, while citizens of the Empire were still celebrating hosting and advancing in the World Cup as well as ascending to the UN Delegacy of the Region of Middle Earth, the region was invaded by minions of The Sadistic Empire. With a takeover of the region seemingly inevitable, Prime Mage Fangallad–Chairman of the Warnocks Wizards High Council and UN Delegate for Middle Earth–swiftly moved to expel the nefarious malfeasants and to close the borders of Middle Earth. By so doing, P.M. Fangallad has kept Middle Earth secure in the short term amidst continual barbs and political schemes from his own neighbours.

Infamous pseudo-football official Carlos Contramistic (a.k.a. “Carlos the Chimp”) has been slowly divulging the existence of a vast conspiracy against the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards. The former referee, directly responsible for at least two Crimes Against Football perpetrated against the WW National Team, initially claimed that he was “just a patsy.”It is now evident that he was acting under orders from an outside source when he single-handedly decided matches at the Frosty Invitational and during World Cup 10 qualifying. Carlos has admitted to being directed by a masterly criminal, described as a saturnine goateed figure dressed in black anywhere from five to seven feet tall. While the conspiracy has been confirmed, the ultimate goal of the Carlos the Chimp conspiracy and any future plans of the Master Criminal is still unknown.

Given reports of a mysterious velvet suited, curly haired individual appearing from the mists in a strange blue machine in locations across the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards, experts in the Ministry of Police have warned that such sightings are often indicative of intelligence-gathering missions. While some may dismiss such sightings as merely those of an eccentric football fan visiting the World Cup at Warnocks Wizards, reports of such odd behaviour coupled with the international situation in Middle Earth and the emerging Carlos the Chimp Conspiracy may lead one to postulate the eccentric alien is a spy.

Secondary Mage Omega has cited these occurrences as a “grave and gathering danger facing the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards.” With Prime Mage Fangallad, elected leader of the High Council currently convalescing at New Rivendell Health Institute and undertaking leadership of the UN Delegateship of Middle Earth from his hospital bed, Secondary Mage Omega has been leading Warnocks Wizards’ High Council and has the authority to declare martial law and exercise emergency powers should he deem it necessary. Prime Mage Fangallad, for his part, has publicly distanced himself from the idea of activating emergency powers. The P.M. has urged the government to be cautious and careful in even considering such an unprecedented move.

Thrakhak the Slinger,
reporting for WW1

Victory on Mount Doom!

Red and White Wizards Storm to World Cup Final!

National Team Vanquishes New Montreal States 4-1 in Semifinal at Fortress Warnock

From our news services...

World Cup Semifinal, Mount Doom, WW–Last night was an evening of celebration in the Enlightened Empire. The Red and White Wizards romped to the World Cup Final with a convincing 4-1 victory over New Montreal States. Ishklash the Snooty, Bootgate long behind him, bagged a brace of goals either side of halftime. Akhklash the Emaciated and Ashmazh the Tough each chipped in with a goal in a match that was always going the way of the Red and White. The quest for the World Cup has now reached its final stage; citizens of the Empire can now dream about capturing the World Cup at the National Stadium of Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom.

Entering the semifinal, Manager Ufwurz the Furious made three changes to the starting side that defeated The Belmore Family in the Wizards’ Quarterfinal match. Defensive midfielder Bublok the Destroyer replaced Gromdul the Gasher, who picked up a slight knock in training two days prior to the rematch with fellow Group D side New Montreal States. Attacking midfielder Skairash the Bald was dropped in favour of mercurial winger Akhklash the Emaciated. Some speculated the overcast weather forecast for the semifinal may have had something to do with the move. Recovering from the penalty area assault of Belmorian Kshitz Ghandi, Uruk’Hai target man Ashmazh the Tough started in place of Olkrish the Swift, who strained a hamstring in the same match. Despite the changes, Ufwurz surprised none but the dense writers of Half-Krazed Semi-Proguessa’s Hopping Mad Marsupial and The Daily Whinge by arranging his side in a 4-3-1-2 formation.

The visiting New Montreal States kicked off the match in front of a rocking Fortress Warnock. “The Old Walking Song,” working the home fans into a rambunctious lather, clearly unsettled the more inexperienced NMS side. While the two nations battled evenly to a 0-0 draw earlier in Group D play, the nervous visitors looked a completely different team. Le Joueur Anonyme clearly was having difficulty keeping possession in midfield. Hard-working Bublok the Destroyer set the tone for the match from the early stages, his all-action harrying of his opponents leading to several mistakes. Ishklash the Snooty nearly opened the scoring, but his shot ricocheted off of the crossbar. Bagdreg the Mauler went close a few minutes later, but his curling free kick sailed wide of the net. Ishklash did open the scoring on 18 minutes. Gabdul the Looter fed a pass to Akhklash the Emaciated on the right wing. The fleet winger held the ball well, dragging his defender out of position. Akhklash pulled the ball back for the Snooty one, whose ground-level scuffed shot eluded goalkeeper Le Gardien de But Inconnu. 1-0 to the Red and White Wizards.

The hosts doubled their lead just five minutes later. L’Etranger hacked down the Looter thirty yards from goal. Left back Ghaztrak the Gouger lined up to take the free kick. With Mausnik the Cleaver and Ashmazh the Tough towering over the much younger Montrealers in the box, Ghaztrak had two targets to aim for. He lofted the kick towards Mausnik, who won the ball cleanly in the air. The defender headed down to his teammate Ashmazh who struck the pass first time past Le Gardien de But Inconnu. 2-0 to the Red and White Wizards. The visitors enjoyed a short period of possession but failed to really test the Wizards back line, who have really been the story of the Wizards’ success in this World Cup. Ghazukh the Burner had an ambitious effort cleared off the line as the half drew to a close. The Red and White Wizards jogged to their Team Keep while enjoying a standing ovation from the adoring home crowd. Halftime: Warnocks Wizards 2, New Montreal States 0.

Following the halftime entertainment during which National Mascot Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator lost yet again to The Strutting Potted Iris Plant in a penalty shootout, the sides returned from their Team Keeps. The Red and White Wizards kicked off the second half and continued from where they left off. Ashmazh had a chance to bank his second of the night, but he skied over a bobbling rebound after an Akhklash the Emaciated shot. Bublok the Destroyer had a rare attempt at goal, but elicited some laughter when his shot landed closer to the roof of the stand. Ishklash the Snooty, Warnocks Wizards all-time leader in goals for the national side, doubled his tally and put the tie beyond all doubt on 55 minutes. Ashmazh’s looping header from a Bagdreg cross found an unmarked Snooty one, who finished clinically past the despairing Le Gardien de But Inconnu. 3-0 to the Red and White Wizards and the stadium was rocking.

The Wizards then played keep away for much of the remainder of the match. Each pass was greeted with an enthusiastic “Opa!” from the celebrating masses. Manager Ufwurz made his three substitutions to three of his more important stars. Ishklash the Snooty, Bagdreg the Mauler, and National Captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw were replaced in five minute intervals. Each departed the pitch to a standing ovation from the partying crowd. The three changes enabled New Montreal States to bank a consolation goal, in no small part because of the absence of “The Rock,” Shagrukh. Le Joueur Anonyme found himself unmarked in the box in the 82nd minute and, full credit to him, finished calmly past an on-rushing Globtakh the Timid. 3-1. Perhaps on another night this would have energised the visitors to claw their way back in the match. However, Akhklash restored the three goal lead just two minutes later.

Substitute Skairash the Bald noticed an open Emaciated figure on the flank. He slipped the ball to the speedy Boromir Blade midfielder. The Emaciated one proceeded to enjoy a swerving sixty yard run, turned a desperate defender one way, then the other, then back again, then back yet again, rounded the keeper and scored to make it 4-1 to the Red and White Wizards. The home crowd erupted in rapturous celebration. The Red and White Wizards were heading to the World Cup Final! Mount Doom awaits and The Dream is yet alive. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 4, New Montreal States 1.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Ghaztrak the Gouger, Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c) (Ufdush the Nasty 80), Ghazukh the Burner, Bublok the Destroyer, Bagdreg the Mauler (Gromdul the Gasher 75), Akhklash the Emaciated, Gabdul the Looter, Ashmazh the Tough, Ishklash the Snooty (Skairash the Bald 70).

Unused substitutes: Urklok the Despoiler, Globdreg the Destroyer.

With the victory over New Montreal States, the National Team has advanced to the World Cup Final! The match will be played at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. In the Final, the Red and White Wizards face the winner of the Total n Utter Insanity Semifinal: Giant Zucchini or Europa Brittania.

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

NEWSFLASH:

The battle of the titans proved as tight and exciting an affair as touted to be. Attacks were quick and end to end action was the name of the game, but both keepers were in top form and neither looked like they were going to give in. Eventually, Oog did, and the Zucchinis end another World Cup adventure. Head Coach Mr Hurr, "They showed respect for us during the game. They played a smart game. If we had won this game, we could have won the Final. Both teams played well, but Europa Brittania used their ability much better today and they can use that in the Final. I think it will be relatively easy for EB in the Final."

***Breaking News***
***WW1 Newswire***

Security Breached...
The Ministry of Police was left scrambling today upon discovering that security checkpoints were breached at the Capital Complex in New Orthanc and at New Rivendell Health Institute. A shadowy, goateed figure dressed in black was spotted in the corridors outside of Secondary Mage Omega’s office suite in the government facilities at New Orthanc. Fortunately, the Acting Chairman of the High Council reported that all was well after a team of elite security swarmed the area.

At the Health Institute in New Rivendell, a tall curly-haired individual dressed in strange garb was seen emerging from Prime Mage Fangallad’s hospital room. When questioned by a security guard, the man stated that he was a doctor and was allowed to exit the ward. MoP officers, upon discovering the security breach, attempted to detain the man for questioning but were too late. The stranger had exited the institute and was seen entering a blue machine on the hospital grounds that shortly disappeared after his entry. P.M. Fangallad issued a short statement noting that the episode was “simply a misunderstanding” and that citizens “should not be alarmed.”

******
******

I CURSE YOU, DOUBLE POSTS!

CURSE YOU!!!

OOC:

Long time no RP from me.

Wow, that rhymed.

On with the RPing!

---

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

ESE eradicated?
FD&FAA&F declares ESE crisis over

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- After a lengthy seven month bout with mad evisceratomato and a public distrust and fear of evisceratomatoes for fear of contracting ESE, the Food, Drug & Food Administrative Association & Federation has declared the mad evisceratomato crisis over. The seven month period saw the burning of hundreds of thousands of evisceratomatoes, the death of FD&FAA&F Director Mike Stumbles and the eventual close of evisceratomato imports and exports.

With all the mad evisceratomatoes believed to have been burned off, the FD&FAA&F is ready to make a push to restore confidence in evisceratomatoes -- though some call it a futile effort.

"Alright," says one Oglethorpian in a Megalopolis City diner, "you see a guy die on live TV from an evisceratomato -- and now the FD&FAA&F wants us to eat them? ESE gone or not, it'll take awhile before i'll eat evisceratomatoes again."

Estimates state that the Oglethorpian vegetarian population has decreased 10% since the presence of mad evisceratomato first broke on the wires, and analysts predict that the meat-eating population will stay at it's current numbers for at least a decade before vegetable eating comes back into vogue.

When rumours began to spread about Torrence Black sponsoring a pro-evisceratomatoes advert campaign throughout Oglethorpia, they were swiftly batted down by both the FD&FAA&F and the OAF.

"No," says OAF Director George McDouglas. "No talks of the sort are going on at all."

The mad evisceratomato scare lasted a little over half a year, and most of the duration of the World Cup -- luckily overshadowing a poor Wonderteam preformance in the first round, a disappointing 0-2-1 against one of the easiest groups of the Cup.

The Consolidated Foods evisceratomato future was all but decimated -- closing of sales in evisceratomato futures only saving the futures from hitting rock bottom.

"Things will turn around," said Consolidated Foods CEO Harry Gray. "They can't get any worse, and with the ESE thing over, we should see a rise in profits. Luckily, diversity saved us -- our massive ad campaign should put some new life into evisceratomatoes."

OCC: apologies for the lack of coverage! I've had problems staying on the forum long enough to get anything to post!

IC:

World Cup XI :
Halfassed fail to make final four yet again!

For the third time in 6 outings in the WC finals, Halfassed made it to the quarter-finals. And for the third time, the quarter-final match proved a step too far for the team.
As with WC 6, Halfassed qualfied from the group stage with 7 points and came up against one of the co-hosts of the event. As then, Halfassed over came the hostile atmosphere and won through to the quarter-finals.
An early strike from Sherwood silenced the home crowd, before a Ducks header on the stroke of half-time gave a 2 goal cushion. TnUI fought back bravely after the break, but suffered some ill-fortune as they twice struck the woodwork, before a contravercial off-side decision caused a goal to be disallowed. Five minutes from time, Sherwood scored his second to give the scoreline a convincing 3-0 score when the win was anything but!

The win set-up a clash with great Giant Zucchini side in the quarter-final.
The match was played in Olges Doom in front of a capacity crowd. It was a slow start to the game, Halfassed unable to force the pace to their more usual flurry as GZ controlled the ball well. An early warning came from a Kerrnigit free kick that deflected off Soap on the end of the wall and spun just wide of the goal. Shortly after, Jennung produced a good save from the great Urk. Then, the moment of the match for Halfassed, as young Sherwood pounced on a rae mistake in the GZ defence and blasted the ball beyond the reach of the mighty Oog.
Gunnet almost extended the lead when his header beat Oog, but agonisingly cleared the bar.
The Zucchini team took full advantage of the let off and began to press for the equaliser.
Ducks, Riddle and Jennung all put in great efforts and had almost seen the team through to half-time until Kerrnigit jinked through and Phoot was able to convert his pass.
The strike seemed to knock the Halfassed side, and the came out for the second half seeming to know they would be facing an uphill task. Five minutes in, the task became nigh on impossible, as Kerrnigit blasted home a free kick.
Despite going a player down when Kerrinigit got sent-off, GZ continued to have most of the play, and as Ducks was pushed up-front in an effort to get an equaliser, the player she had kept quiet for the whole game, the all-time hero, Urk scored a decisive third to seal the win.
Final score - HAS 1 - GZ 3

The Zuchini's fell in the next match against our first round opponents Europa Britannia, while in the other half of the draw, host Warnock Wizards have progressed to the final.

"This is officer Butkis. I need to order an airstrike. It's a royal and gold bus headed to the stadium of low visability. Kill them."

Those were the last words spoken of the team. Destroyed right outside the stadium before the match started, Squornshelous kicked four goals in without any Kingsforder players on the field. In this morbid act of intolerance, Kingsford will not be recognizing Squornshelous as a real nation anymore, and instead as "Stupidheads." The entire roster will be replaced, not since the destruction of the Evisceratomatoes against East Spaam has something this horrible happened. That glorious Kingsford World Cup 11 Team was no more.

The Squornshelan team protests that the only took shots because they became very bored, due to the destruction of the Kingsford team. Also, they have declaredthat any reference to them as "Stupidheads" (which sounds very little like Squornshelous) will be met with "4-0 buttrapings".

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/giant_zucchini.jpg VS http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/st_pierre_and_miquelon.jpg

World Cup 11 - 3rd Place Playoff:
Giant Zucchini vs New Montreal States:
Post Match Report

Giant Zucchini got a lone goal from Kerrnigit to beat New Montreal States in a hotly contested match-up in the Insane Dome, Total n Utter Insanity to claim 3rd place in World Cup XI.

New Montreal States had the bulk of possession and chances, especially in the first half, but the ex-world champions held the lead expertly.

After an even start in front of a boisterous crowd in the Insane Dome, Total n Utter Insanity, the college boys had the best early chances with fast breaks down both wings but the final ball failed to pierce the Zucchini defence.

But the pressure from New Montreal States began to tell and a brilliant solo run down the right ended with a curling left foot shot which was superbly tipped round the post by Giant Zucchini’s keeper Oog (17’).

New Montreal States sprung the offside trap following a searching pass but the college boy, one on one with Oog, chose to shoot with his left foot narrowing the angle and allowing the Zucchini No 1 to make another fine save (30’).

Giant Zucchini were looking most dangerous from set pieces and Kerrnigit should have done better with a near post header from a corner from the right side (35’).

It was becoming end to end now and New Montreal States broke again with lightening speed as they broke down the left and as the ball broke it was slammed at goal from 20 yards but Oog produced another fine save (36’).

And then almost inevitably after New Montreal States had wasted a host of chances, Giant Zucchini took the lead. An inswinging corner by Poom from the right hand side was nodded in by the soaring Kerrnigit (1:0, 39’).

New Montreal States were suddenly reeling and Urk should have done better from inside the six-yard box following a left wing cross but buried his header against the upright with the New Montreal States keeper nowhere (43’).

New Montreal States came out the blocks quicker in the second half and again tested Oog after breaking through down the right. The young forward chose to shoot from just inside the box but the Zucchini keeper, having an immense game, blocked the shot round the post (49’).

But Oog could do nothing from the resultant corner. The ball was volleyed downwards and the Zucchini keeper could only push the ball onto Krak standing on the goal line. New Montreal States players claimed the ball had crossed the line rather than handball but the referee turned down the protests (50’).

Another fine move moments later almost brought the equaliser New Montreal States so richly deserved. A clever one-two ended with a low shot on target. But Oog was again the winner in their personal battle smothering the low shot from the edge of the area (55’).

Urk almost nicked a second for Giant Zucchini after a speedy break but a great saving tackle kept the score down. As New Montreal States broke, Oog headed clear from outside his own box. The ball fell to a college boy whose speculative volley from just inside the Zucchini half fell just wide of the goal (64’).

Fouls were beginning to litter the contest as New Montreal States seemed to feel the pace for the first time in the match. And as the game opened up, Gung broke down the left before cutting inside and curling a right foot shot just over the New Montreal States bar (74’).

New Montreal States threw everything forward at the last. With seconds remaining, a cross from the right was headed into the side netting (89’).

A brave performance by the college boys but the formidable Oog was not to be beaten and Giant Zucchini finish their competition on a high of 3rd place.


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 1
Kerrnigit (39)

New Montreal States - 0


Man of the Match: Oog

HITLER FOUND GUILTY :D

After a delay in the beginning of his trial, Adolf Hitler was found guilty of four counts of first degree murder and sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole. The plea of not guilty by reason of insanity was rejected after a psychologist for the defense admitted in cross-examination that Hitler was sane and that the defense was paying him off to say that Hitler was insane. The mood outside the courthouse after the verdict was released was one of relief that the proceedings were over, allowing everybody to go on with their lives.




ANNOUNCEMENT EXPECTED SOON REGARDING WARRIOR COACHING STAFF

It is anticipated that the Praying2God soccer committee will announce the coaching staff for World Cup XII shortly after the final of World Cup XI. The committee is at the final in anticipation of the announcement. However, they refuse to offer an indication as to who the staff will be. All they will say on the subject is that, "you know them well already."

and now...The Final!

Warnocks Wizards vs Europa Brittania

The Quest Falls Short

Red and White Wizards Defeated by Europa Brittania in World Cup Final

Lionel’s Goal Ends the Dream in 1-0 Thriller on Mount Doom

From our news services...

World Cup Final, Mount Doom, WW–The Red and White Wizards’ quest to lift the World Cup ended at the final battle last night, with the National Team falling 1-0 to Europa Brittania. Attacker Derek Lionel’s first half goal was just enough to settle the entertaining match and earn a second World Cup crown for the Brittanians. While their side may have failed at the final test, Wizardites in a packed Fortress Warnock provided an evening of cheer and good will, applauding both sides throughout the match and after the final whistle. After a bizarre and ultimately satisfying series of events during the cup awarding ceremony [see related story below], the tournament concluded, setting off an evening of partying and celebration throughout the Empire.

Going in to the Final, Manager Ufwurz the Furious chose to stay true to his beliefs, utilising the positive 4-3-1-2 formation that has proved so successful in the tournament. The Manager named an unchanged side from the one that vanquished New Montreal States with such ease in the Semifinals. Globtakh the Timid took up his increasingly composed position in goal. In front of him, Ufwurz deployed the steady back four of Ghaztrak the Gouger, Mausnik the Cleaver, Captain Shagrukh the Strongclaw, and Ghazukh the Burner. Bublok the Destroyer accepted the mantle of defensive midfielder and he was flanked by Bagdreg the Mauler on the left and Akhklash the Emaciated on the right. Gabdul the Looter slotted into the position between the midfield and the attacking duo of target man Ashmazh the Tough and fleet striker Ishklash the Snooty.

Arrayed against the Wizards were the Europa Brittanians also in a very attack-minded configuration, a 4-3-3 formation. Thus, the two in form teams of the tournament lined up to kick off what promised to be a very entertaining offensive match. After a stirring rendition of the national anthems by esteemed Warnocks Wizards composer and virtuoso musician Vorros the Wise, the match was underway. The host Wizards kicked off to a din of noise from their supporters. The first chance of the match fell to Ishklash the Snooty on two minutes. Ashmazh the Tough nodded a ball down from a Gabdul the Looter lofted pass to the onrushing Snooty one. Fortunately for the visitors, Ishklash struck the ball right at goalkeeper Hansen who caught the stinging ball well. At the other end, the famed three-L attack of Lionel, Lester, and Lohimer which had stormed to international glory during World Cup 9, were causing the Wizards back line some problems. Lohimer had an effort on eleven minutes, but his slightly mis-hit attempt went the wrong way around the post. A few minutes later, the Wizards threatened Hansen’s goal again, although Ashamazh will be disappointed that his header was hit so weakly at the EB keeper’s feet. Midfielder Huntly had a chance for the visitors on twenty minutes, but his curling ball was parried away by Globtakh the Timid and cleared away by Ghaztrak the Gouger. After Akhklash the Emaciated was fouled by Brittanian defender Zdrilchrix on twenty-five minutes, the Wizards were positioned for a good crack at goal. Bagdreg the Mauler’s ensuing twenty-five yard freekick sailed around the wall but just over the cross bar. The match to this point was an entertaining see-saw affair with both sides looking just as likely to break the deadlock. The experienced Europa Brittanians would shortly score the only goal of the match through world class striker Derek Lionel.

After an Akhklash the Emaciated effort was tamely hit at keeper Hansen in the 34th minute, the Europa Brittanian punted the ball downfield. Midfielder Kiwitz battled with Bublok the Destroyer for the loose ball and came away with it in the end. Kiwitz played the ball sideways to midfield counterpart Huntly, who looked up and spotted a streaking Lester. The midfielder coolly threaded the ball through the Wizards defense and sent Lester away on goal. Globtakh the Timid came off of his line to challenge the attacker and to cut down the Brittanian’s angle on goal. Seeing Globtakh storming towards him, Lester released a shot at goal. The Timid one dove acrobatically and tipped the ball onto the far post. The ball caromed off the pole into the penalty area. Derek Lionel and Ghazukh the Burner were the closest to the free ball and it was a race to see who could get to it first. The crowd hushed in anticipation as Lionel stuck out a boot, just in front of desperate defender Ghazukh. The Brittanian just reached the ball and stabbed it goalwards. Ghazukh was already committed to the tackle and had no chance as the ball squirmed across the goal line. 1-0 to Europa Brittania and the small contingent of Brittanians in the Fortress went absolutely mental.

There followed a period of Brittanian dominance and possession as Manager Ufwurz valiantly attempted to rally his charges from the dugout. Lionel went close to bagging a second, but his shot skittered wide. O’Hanrahan had a chance to score as well, but his header from a corner was looped over the cross bar. The Wizards shored up their defense and had one attempt at goal in the dying seconds of the half. Bagdreg’s diagonal ball found an unmarked Akhklash, who fired in a wicked, dipping shot at goal. Hansen dove to his left and punched the ball out for a corner. The Wizards ensuing effort from the corner was a poor one and the referee blew for halftime. Halftime: Warnocks Wizards 0, Europa Brittania 1.

After a stirring halftime show including a reprise of Wizards Without Hats performing their newest version of “The Harmony Dance” and Elvish folk singer Maldholwen singing her hit “Evening Star, Football Star,” the mascots of both sides took to the pitch to compete in the World Cup Mascot Shootout. Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator gave a hearty wave to the adoring crowd as he took up his place in goal. The tournament-designed Europa Brittania mascot of a dancing map kicked off the competition with a well taken finish and won the competition rather easily, 4-2. Despite losing a mascot penalty shootout once again, a beaming Rahzlok blew kisses to the crowd. At this point, the two sides emerged from their Team Keeps and took to the pitch for the second half.

Both sides looked eager to continue the Quest for the Cup, and the visiting Europa Brittanians kicked off. Once again, the attacking threesome of the visitors was giving the Wizard defense fits. In the first ten minutes of the half, the attackers had three good efforts on goal denied. Lionel’s volley from a Muir cross crashed off of the backside of Mausnik the Cleaver. Lester’s effort from twenty yards was brilliantly saved by Globtakh the Timid. Finally, Lionel’s chance again was ballooned over from eight yards. Shagrukh the Strongclaw’s tight marking of the Brittanian attacker might have just put him off finishing with aplomb.

After the Wizards had weathered the first ten minutes of the half, they slowly began to take charge of the match. Bublok the Destroyer unleashed a rare effort at goal but his outswinging ball curled away from the goal. Akhklash the Emaciated jinked and jived his way through the Brittanian defense but the visitors were let off by the Emaciated one’s trickling shot at goal. Ishklash the Snooty was most disappointed with Akhklash’s attempt, as the Wizard striker was unmarked six yards from goal. However, the Snooty one did have a chance of his own a few minutes later on the stroke of the hour. Globtakh’s punt down field found the Snooty one, who dribbled and juggled past Zdrilchrix and O’Hanrahan. His blasting attempt at goal looked headed for the top corner, but keeper Hansen denied him with a truly stunning, world class save. Manager Ufwurz the Furious was left holding his head in his dug out as he thought the Wizards had a sure goal denied.

For the next few minutes, the Brittanians seemed to settle in to a period of keep-away. Seeing the game slowly slipping away, Ufwurz threw on two replacements in the figures of attacking midfielder Skairash the Bald and fleet striker Olkrish the Swift. Skairash replaced left back Ghaztrak the Gouger as Ufwurz gestured to his players to change to a 3-4-1-2 formation. Olkrish came in for a straight swap for the obviously tiring Ashmazh the Tough. With the Wizards flooding the midfield, the host side reasserted their control over the flow of play. The two substitutes nearly linked up in memorable fashion. Bagdreg, now in a more central position, fed the ball wide to an overlapping Skairash. The Bald-domed player hit a driven cross into the box towards Olkrish. The Swift attacker had his back to goal and leaped into the air, attempting a Legolas-horse-leaping kick. The acrobatic effort rocketed past a bewildered goalkeeper and flew just past the post. Some Wizardites on the opposite side of the Fortress thought the ball had sailed into the net, but, alas, it sailed past the wrong side of the post. Despite the miss, Olkrish received a standing ovation for his effort.

The Red and White Wizards tried desperately to equalise and had a couple of more shouts at goal through The Looter, The Swift, and The Snooty, but the experienced Europa Brittania defense were slowly beginning to assert their authority late in the second half. With the match ticking towards its conclusion, Ufwurz sent on his final substitute in the shape of giant Uruk’Hai target man Globdreg the Destroyer. Throwing everyone forward, the Wizards had one final attempt on goal in the 88th minute. Skairash the Bald won a 50-50 ball from midfield and laid the ball off for Gabdul the Looter. The Looter spotted an emaciated flash flying down the right wing, and lofted a ball behind the Europa Brittania defense into the path of Akhklash. The frail winger hit the ball first time, crossing it into the box in the direction of Globdreg the Destroyer. The target man leaped for the ball, apparently striking it with his head with some authority. The ball flew past keeper Hansen into the net. The Wizards had leveled! The crowd, the players, and the management team went beserk. However, the referee’s assistant was flagging on the far side of the pitch. The referee ran over for a quick conference as the Wizards celebrated. The official waved off the goal, signaling the target man had struck the ball with his hand. The replay on the palantir-driven large-screen televisual device clearly showed that the player used his hand. The crowd groaned slightly, realising the correct decision had been made. Alas, The Hand of Globdreg Goal was nullified. The stream in their sails finally gone, the Wizards struggled to find another effort on goal. After Huntly had a shot denied at the other end, the referee had blown for full time. Europa Brittania had won its second World Cup. The fans arose, giving both sides a well-deserved standing reception. After such an entertaining World Cup final, all that was left was the Cup Awarding Ceremony [see related story below]. Full time: Warnocks Wizards 0, Europa Brittania 1.

Warnocks Wizards: Globtakh the Timid, Ghaztrak the Gouger (Skairash the Bald 67), Mausnik the Cleaver, Shagrukh the Strongclaw (c), Ghazukh the Burner, Bublok the Destroyer (Globdreg the Destroyer 82), Bagdreg the Mauler, Akhklash the Emaciated, Gabdul the Looter, Ashmazh the Tough (Olkrish the Swift 67), Ishklash the Snooty.

Unused substitutes: Ufdush the Nasty, Gromdul the Gasher.

World Cup 11 has been a historical occasion for the Enlightened Empire of Warnocks Wizards. While solidifying its reputation as a solid footballing nation, the Empire has successfully co-hosted the world in a tournament of fellowship and goodwill. Beleaguered at times by shoddy rumour-mongering, shadowy plots, scandals, and intrigue, Wizardites have demonstrated their ability to put up the good fight and to persevere through strife and trouble. While the National Team may have failed to ultimately win the battle of a football tournament, the nation as a whole has grown and succeeded in thwarting, at least for the moment, the malevolent forces threatening it [see related story below].

Bazgash the Sly,
reporting for WW1

Chaos Averted

World Cup Final Celebration Sees Danger Confronted, Unmasked

From our news services...

World Cup Final, Mount Doom, WW–The referee had blown for full time on the World Cup Final at Fortress Warnock on Mount Doom. Europa Brittania had won its second World Cup, defeating co-hosts Warnocks Wizards 1-0. The fans arose, giving both sides a well-deserved standing ovation. After such an entertaining World Cup final, all that was left was the Cup Awarding Ceremony.

Beckoned at by cup organisers, the teams and mascots of the two sides dutifully dispersed to the sides of the pitch. The national orchestra began a stunning symphonic prologue that was at once inspiring and tension building. Suddenly, a brilliant flash of light engulfed the stadium, followed by an aura of smoke and fog. Materialising in the center circle was a large classical-style dais, in the middle of which sat a large empty platform. Manning the dais were delegations from Total n Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards. Something seemed strangely familiar about all of this.

Just after the musical interlude ceased, a rather imposing voice boomed, “And now for something completely different...It’s...Ufhur the Hated, Warnocks Wizards Minister for Sport.” The minister emerged from the Wizards delegation, and took up a position in the center of the stand’s towering columns. Ufhur began:


“Friends; fans; visitors; desert flowers; beaming heavenly bodies; chained muses; Nordic cousins; flying insects; shadowy figures of unspeakableness; reprocessed meat tins; les bleus, bleus, les amours sont bleus; far away continentals; Germanic constructs; large vegetables; half-hearted citizens; progressive hazes; curling afficionados; lords of the river crossing; leaping rodents; gastronomic experts; acronym advocates; francophiles; eccentric slaves; wonderful oglers; avant garde artistes; soaring birds; orange-blue folk; running hoofed mammals; snub-nosed individuals; scorned shells; ‘gorgeous’ [said with an odd accent] crocodiles; Alan Belmores; haggis consumers; sane stick wielders; and Wizardites...(a din of applause)...thank you for attending, participating, and making this World Cup a success.

“We’d like to express our gratitude to all the participating nations involved in this tournament. The tournament would not have been the same without each and every one of you. Over the past few weeks we have witnessed some entertaining football, made some new friends, and averted a few minor scandals. A special thank you goes to our partners Total n Utter Insanity for their tireless work behind the scenes. Congratulations as well to the nation of Europa Brittania for their victory in today’s World Cup Final. Before we present the teams their medals and hand over The Cup to the Brittanians, we would like to share a poem which is appropriate for this time, for this tournament, for this occasion. It goes something like this:

‘Three Cups for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to try,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Cup to rule them all, One Cup to find them,
One Cup to bring them all and in the Fortress bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Footballs lie.’”

And with those immortal words, Minister Ufhur finished his speech to a rising din of applause. A booming voice than echoed a phrase from the Wizard’s speech: “One Cup to rule them all...”

With that the World Cup, specially created for the tournament by goldsmiths of Total n Utter Insanity and Warnocks Wizards from the fires of Mount Doom, suddenly appeared on a platform on the dais, its gold shining brightly through the dark of the evening sky. The booming voice then interrupted the audience’s awe with: “The honourable Unnamed Mass, President of the Insanician Football Association.”

Unnamed Mass stepped forward on the dais to the microphone and announced in a stilted manner with a heavy accent (apparently dispensing use of the Oglethorpian-produced Acme Universal Translator which had malfunctioned so memorably during the opening ceremony): “Come forward Europa Brittania, victors of the World Cup.”

It was at this point that the ceremony took a turn for the bizarre. Warnocks Wizards Football Chairman Globmazh the Mean, noticeably ogling the World Cup as soon as it appeared, bellowed to no one in particular, “NO! The Cup is mine! I must have it, for it is my birthday! The Cup is mine! My own! My precious!!!” With that he vaulted atop the platform and held the Cup aloft. The crowd answered his rantings and action with an astonished gasp.

The sensitive microphone picked up Ufhur’s attempts to coax the Chairman down: “Come down Globmazh and be a good little Uruk. We must share the dream. The Cup is not ours, it is the international community’s. Europa Brittania, as World Cup Winners, have the honour of taking it home and protecting it for the next four years. Come down from there, Globmazh.”

It was obvious that words were having no effect on Globmazh, he seemed quite entranced with the glittering vessel. Secondary Mage Omega, to this point but a masked shadow lurking in the background, leaped to the platform and wrestled with Globmazh for The Cup. The presumably elderly Wizard showed such lithe movement and agility that it surprised both the Chairman and the audience. Omega swooped up The Cup from the locked arms of the powerful Uruk’Hai, brushing Globmazh easily aside in the process. An elderly Wizard should not have such strength. Globmazh fell from the platform with a thud and landed solidly on the ground. Secondary Mage Omega now held The Cup aloft.

As Omega was wrestling with Globmazh for The Cup, a strange sound emanated from the pitch. A sound not unlike the strings from a musical instrument being scratched or whittled. Suddenly, a blue box materialised on the pitch. From it emerged a tall curly-haired man donned in an odd velvety suit. He was pushing an elderly man, recognisable to many as Prime Mage Fangallad, in a wooden wheeled device. The P.M. held his staff in his lap.

Secondary Mage Omega seemed oblivious to the sudden appearance of his superior and the stranger. As he held The Cup aloft he proclaimed, “Behold. I possess the One Cup, birthed of the Fire which produced the One Ring. With this vessel, I am the Master of All. You must obey me!”

At this, the curly haired stranger spoke loudly and clearly, “Balderdash! This man is an imposter. He is no one’s master but his own.”

Noticing the stranger for the first time, Omega gazed at the individual through his mask. “Who dares question the position of the great Wizard Omega? Bow before me, mortal.”

The stranger shook his head and smiled at Omega’s remarks. However, it was Prime Mage Fangallad that answered the figure holding The Cup: “The stranger speaks the truth. The figure that appears before you is not Secondary Mage Omega, but is Turambar, ‘the Master of Doom.’ There is one sure proof. Omega is an elderly maia and would appear to be older than myself in visage. Behold, this man is middle aged.”

With that, Fangallad held his staff aloft and pointed it at Omega. After a whooshing sound, Omega’s mask disappeared, revealing a middle-aged, dark-haired man with a goatee. The goateed man rocked his head back in maniacal laughter. The crowd, intently following developments on the pitch, greeted such a revelation and reaction with puzzled astonishment.

The curly haired man responded to the false Omega’s laughter with, “No humanoid must possess the One Cup. Turin Turambar turun ambartnen.” (“Master of Doom by doom mastered.”)

Understanding the stranger’s odd allusion all too well and the implications of seeing someone hold the power of a vessel of the Fires of Mount Doom, giant spider and billionaire Shelob-VIII-Legs, watching the ensuing drama from one side of the dais, launched a web from her spinnerets, knocking The Cup from the hands of the false Omega. The goateed figure, now covered and bound in gooey webbing, watched the vessel sail away in dismay. The Cup flew to the ground and landed at the feet of nine-foot tall, salivating Arch-Mage Rahzlok the Alligator, who was standing pitchside.

P.M. Fangallad announced, “Indeed no humanoid must harness the powers of The Cup. Let the Alligator dispose of it.” Fangallad gestured at the sky and appearing over the facade of Fortress Warnock was a gliding Giant Eagle. Rahzlok, nodding in comprehension, scooped up the Cup in his claws as the Giant Eagle approached him. In a manner of seconds, the majestic bird swooped down and lifted Rahzlok away with its talons. Completely in awe of transpiring events, the crowd looked on in amazement. With a few graceful flaps of its wings, the bird soared out of Fortress Warnock with Rahzlok secured in its powerful talons. All in assembly watched as the bird flew directly over the volcanic peak of Mount Doom. Suddenly, a small glittering object could be seen to be dropped from the claws of Rahzlok into the Fires of Mount Doom. There followed a brief moment of blinding light as the giant eagle and alligator disappeared from sight.

Seeing this as a cue to resume the final festivities, Minister Ufhur the Hated gestured at representatives from the Gandalf the Gray Entertainment Corporation to release the fireworks.
The fireworks blossomed and bloomed into shapes of the thirty-two nation’s mascots. While the lights shined overhead, the curly haired stranger nodded and smiled at Fangallad as he whisked the mummified Turambar into the blue box machine. A moment later, the blue box disappeared from sight, just as the final firework exploded into the heavens. The beaming countenance of Rahzlok the Alligator looked down on Fortress Warnock. Prime Mage Fangallad smiled to himself.

Thrakhak the Slinger,
reporting for WW1

Live from Lemco City, this is Clem Gilson bringing you the World Cup Eleven wrap-up for the Lemmitanian Radio Network. Things are winding down in the Empire of Warnocks Wizards, as the hosts meet World Cup Nine champs Europa Brittania in the final match. It was an early exit for the Lemmings this Cup, and joining me to discuss it are Lana Maelstrom and, incredibly enough, hideous Maleficus the maneating giant spider, temporarily released from captivity in Lemtanamo Bay, where until recently he was being held in connection with the murder and ingesting of LRN correspondent Lemmy “Atom” Meisterbrau. Lana, welcome to the broadcast.

Lana: Thanks, Clem. Glad to be ‘ere.

Clem: I’m not.

Maleficus: Are you not going to welcome me, Dubious Clem?

Clem: You know better than to ask that.

Maleficus: Your lack of faith pains me.

Lana: We saw you chompin’ on poor Lemmy’s remains!

Maleficus: Let us not revisit that fateful day.

Clem: Finally calling it a fateful day, are you?

Maleficus: In that it was the day I was unjustly arrested and accused of Lemmycide. I am not a coworkerivore, I assure you.

Clem: So you’ve said.

Maleficus: Ask any of my friends! They will tell you.

Lana: These friends, would they be Giant Evil Spiders?

Maleficus: Of course.

Lana: Wull, that sort o’ disqualifies ‘em as character witnesses, then.

Maleficus: What a specieist statement to make, edib-- I mean-- Female Lana.

Lana: ‘Female Lana?’ That’s wot you came up with instead of ‘edible?’ Female?

Maleficus: It is accurate, is it not? If I remember correctly, you insist on being a female.

Lana: Gender ain’t a matter of choice!

Clem: Not everyone would agree with you on that.

Lana: Wull, I’ve already got all the female parts. I got nothin’ against those of the transsexual denomination, but I meself was born a female, an’ I plan on dyin’ a female.

Maleficus: You plan on dying?

Lana: Not in the near future! Don’t get any ideas.

Maleficus: At any rate, the appelation ‘Female’ seems to suit you very well.

Lana: You know wot? Foine. If you wanna call me ‘Female Lana,’ you go right a’ead. So long’s it ain’t ‘Edible,’ I don’t really care wot me nickname is.

Clem: How ‘bout ‘Scooter?’

Lana: You wanna call me ‘Scooter?’

Clem: Just for a change of pace.

Lana: Wot about ‘Lana the Maelstrom?’ That’d be me Warnocks Wizards name.

Clem: Yeah, they all have names like that there. I remember back when the Lemmings faced Errinundera in World Cup Seven, me and Gil adopted Errinundrian names.

Lana: Their names were weirder than the Warnocks’ are.

Clem: ‘Maleficus the Maneater.’

Maleficus: Hey!

Lana: ‘ow ‘bout ‘Maleficus the ‘ideous?’

Maleficus: That would be acceptable.

Clem: ‘Maleficus the Murderer.’

Maleficus: Do not malign me.

Lana: ‘Maleficus the Striker.’

Maleficus: I like that one.

Clem: ‘Maleficus the Lemmyluncher.’

Maleficus: How about I come up with one for you, Duubious Clem?

Clem: Let’s hear it.

Lana: ‘Maleficus the Maleficient.’

Maleficus: In that ‘Maleficus’ means ‘one who is maleficient,’ this name would simply be repetitive.

Clem: I’m waiting.

Maleficus: Hmm... ah. I have it. ‘Clemwise Gilgee.’

Clem: Phoo.

Lana: Ha ha. Clem’s a ‘obbit.

Clem: Tallest Hobbit I’ve ever seen.

Lana: Compared to Maleficus, you’re a Hobbit.

Maleficus: Indeed you are.

Clem: Shouldn’t I at least be a Baggins? Or a Took?

Maleficus: You are a Gilgee. It is your place to serve.

Clem: Hobbits have a very feudal society.

Lana: It ain’t feudal. You ‘obbits ain’t agrarian.

Clem: I’m not a Hobbit!

Maleficus: That is not for you to decide.

Clem: All right, don’t you two start oppressing me. Lana, I’m surprised at you, siding with this murderous Spider.

Lana: Sorry, jus’ ‘cause ‘e et our colleague don’t mean ‘e can’t be amusin’ sometimes.

Maleficus: I ate no one!

Lana: Sez you.

Maleficus: Speaking of which, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of my supporters in the International Community for coming to my defense and pressuring the oppressive Lemmings into releasing me from illegal and unjust imprisonment.

Clem: ‘Illegal and unjust.’ Right.

Maleficus: Holding me without evidence is unjust. I was a prisoner of conscience.

Clem: Well, there would have been evidence if you’d let yourself be x-rayed. Or your droppings tested.

Maleficus: As you know, those options were not feasible. Which is unfortunate, because either would have proven my innocence.

Clem: That’s easy for you to say.

Maleficus: No, it is difficult for me to say, as it pains me deeply that my integrity is in doubt.

Clem: I don’t know that it’s a matter of your integrity. You’re a giant spider, after all. Eating humans is integral to your being-- as I think you yourself said once.

Maleficus: No, it is being Evil that is integral to our being-- I pointed that out because you so often insist on referring to us as ‘giant spiders,’ leaving out that key element of our being.

Clem: Okay, but what is it that make you ‘Evil?’ Eating humans.

Maleficus: We are Evil in many ways! As I have said before.

Clem: Oh, yeah. You’re mean to bunnies.

Maleficus: We are cruel to them. Not merely mean.

Lana: Speakin’ of which, you never did tell us about wot you meant when you mentioned thet the bunnies learned to stay off the pitch ‘durin’ the war.’

Maleficus: That is true. Many years ago, when Dire Arachnia was not as it is now--

Clem: This has the sound of a long story.

Maleficus: Thank you for interrupting it, Clemwise. It is indeed a long story. As I was saying, many years ago--

Clem: And don’t call me Clemwise.

Maleficus: As long as the Warnocks Wizards are hosting the tournament, I have no choice.

Clem: Fine, then, Maleficus the Lemmycidal. Have it your way.

Maleficus: I did not kill Lemmy!

Clem: Well, you’re Maleficus the Lemmycide as long as I’m ‘Clemwise.’

Lana: But ‘Clemwise’ ‘as such a nice ring to it.

Maleficus: Very well. I will compromise. You may be ‘Dean’ Clemwise.

Clem: Shut up, you.

Lana: Maleficus, you may not ‘ave ‘eard ‘cause you were in detentino, but Clem’s lost ‘is ‘old on the ti’le ‘Dean of Lemmitanian sports.’

Maleficus: Yes, I heard about Shemp Wooley’s suit. I thought that ‘Dean Clemwise’ would be a supremely irritating nickname.

Lana: Oh, wull, if wot you were tryin’ to do was piss Clem off, then I’d say go right on callin’ ‘im ‘Dean Clemwise.’ ‘Cause that oughta do it.

Clem: Why are you encouraging him?

Lana: I ain’t! I’m just advisin’ ‘im.

Maleficus: As I was saying, many years ago, when Dire Arachnia was not as it is now--

Clem: Geez, you’re worse than Gil Lemson when it comes to bull-headedly pressing onward with an off-topic story.

Maleficus: I was rudely interrupted. It is a long story, and requires that I not waste time if I am to tell it all to full effect. And what is more, the poor habits of you humans and hobbits have worn off on me. I no longer feel that it is important to perform the job I was hired to do, namely review the World Cup of Human Football. I have determined that it is my prerogative as a broadcaster for LRN to talk about whatever I feel like talking about.

Clem: Well, that is how things are done on LRN.

Lana: The less said about football, the better, us’ally.

Maleficus: Just to humor you, however, and to show that I am able to sooperate well with puny humans, I will condescend to discuss briefly the Lemmings’ atrocious performance this Cup.

Clem: It wasn’t atrocious. Just mediocre.

Maleficus: Yes, I remember you asserting that some time ago.

Lana: The Lemmings finished twenty-fourth overall. That’s about their wors’ finish ever.

Clem: It’s not clear what system will be used to determine world rankings for the next Cup, but following the traditional one, the side would experience the greatest drop ever for a defending champion.

Lana: This side sure ain’t the one wot won the Cup. ‘ell, they barely even qualified. Di’n’t clinch ‘til the thirteenth or fourteenth match.

Clem: Those computer simulations the Insaniacans ran before the tournament proved correct. Anyone who risked their life’s fortunes on them should be raking in the lemmings.

Lana: An interestin’ side note is that this marks the fourth straight Cup in which at least one of the ‘ost nations made it to the championship match. The last time both ‘osts were eliminated before the semis: World Cup Seven.

Clem: Co-hosted by Lemmitania and Audioslavia. Speaking of which, what are your thoughts on the Lemmitania-Kaze Progressa bid to host Twelve?

Lana: I dunno. Is Lemmitania really ready to ‘ost another one? I know the Tanah Burungers can’t be too ‘appy about it.

Clem: Oh, didn’t you hear? They broke the curse. In the Founders Cup.

Lana: Oh, that don’t count, Clem.

Clem: Anyway, the “Hellmouth” is in Gilmeecia, now.

Lana: But the Evil remains.

Clem: Oh yeah?

Maleficus: Speaking of Evil, once long ago, Dire Arachnia was not as it is now. It was a nation of hideous sunny green meadows and unappealing gently rolling hills and valleys, of undrinkable pristine brooks and chokingly unspoiled air. The land was occupied by many unpleasant creatures, inluding the malignant Everyoung Dire Chicks, whose fuzzy yellow fur was truly horrific to behold; the unspeakable Dire Fawns, a detailed description of which would make you defecate upon yourselves in fear; and of course the Dire Bunnies, the site of which would cause you to die of fright. But where were the Spiders?

Clem: Maleficus, you are the new non-sequitur king.

Maleficus: It is a relevant question, Dean Clemwise.

Clem: ‘Speaking of Evil.’ Yeah, right.

Maleficus: The Spiders were underground. Living in lairs. Creeping out only at night, when the devilish creatures that stalked the land by day were mostly asleep or blinded by the lack of light. The Giant Evil Spiders would creep out and catch the unwary, hurriedly sucking the juices out of them before the Night Patrol could catch them.

Clem: Sucking the juices out of unwary bunnies?

Maleficus: Unwary Dire Bunnies. Also Fawns and Chicks, as I mentioned.

Clem: Hurriedly, so as to avoid the Night Patrol.

Maleficus: That is what I said.

Clem: The Bunny Night Patrol.

Maleficus: The Bunny, Chick and Fawn Night Patrol to be precise.

Clem: Sounds harrowing.

Maleficus: It was.

Clem: So you’re scared of Bunnies, Chicks, and Fawns, then.

Maleficus: I am not scared! They merely creep me out. And keep in mind that these are not ordinary bunnies, chicks, and fawns; these are Dire Bunnies, Chicks, and Fawns.

Clem: Which are different.

Maleficus: I told you about how creepy the Dire Bunnies are! The way they look at you... with those creepy pink eyes... And the Fawns are even worse. With their feigned innocence.

Clem: But they’re not really innocent.

Maleficus: Indeed they are not. Believe me, we know [all about what those Fawns have been up to.

Clem: What have those fawns been up to?

Maleficus: That is not for the ears of outsiders to hear. But if I told you just a fraction of it, you would most likely lose consciousness.

Clem: Out of fear?

Maleficus: That is correct.

Clem: But it doesn’t scare you, it just creeps you out.

Maleficus: Let me go on with the story or we will run out of broadcast time.

Lana: You know wot’s creepin’ me out? I didn’t wanna say nothin’ about it, but it’s creepin’ me out more and more an’ I don’t think I can go on without screamin’. I’m a li’le freaked out about bein’ in the very same booth where we saw Maleficus munchin’ on poor Lemmy’s last remains.

Clem: Yeah, me too.

Maleficus: I did not eat Lemmy!

Lana: ‘e’s been missin’ for three months, now. Where could ‘e possibly be except in your innards?

Maleficus: I shall ignore your accusations. The Dire Bunnies, then, controlled the land. And the Spiders controlled the Underground. But this situation was unacceptable. For, thanks to some cosmic happenstance, the Spiders invented football.

Clem: The humans invented football!

Maleficus: Again with the specieism, Dean Clemwise!

Clem: Don’t call me that!

Maleficus: The Giant Evil Spiders needed a place to play football. The Underground is hardly acceptable; finding large, flat spaces to use as a pitch being the main impediment. Those damned Bunnies had their horrible meadows, though, and it was clear to us that with the proper modifications, the meadows could be converted to football fields. All we had to do was find a way to block the sun, foul the air, poison the water, and all that kind of thing. But how?

Lana: Wot about industrial pollution?

Maleficus: I am impressed, Female Lana. Perhaps you have some Giant Evil blood in you.

Lana: I don’t think so.

Maleficus: Are you certain? Your thought processes reflect an Evil bent. Maybe a great-grandparent was a Spider.

Lana: ‘umans ‘ave been pollutin’ the planet for years an’ years. It’s old ‘at to us.

Maleficus: Well, it is ‘old hat’ to us as well. Pollution was the ideal solution, and we began pumping it out. Soon, it was the Bunnies, Chicks, and Fawns who were driven underground. And the Spiders crawled up upon the land.

Clem: Ugh.

Maleficus: The thought of the Bunnies, Chicks, and Fawns befouling our once-beautiful underground lairs turns your stomach, Dean Clemwise?

Clem: No, the thought of the Spiders crawling upon the land is what does it.

Maleficus: And so, we converted the meadows into football pitches. But those damned Bunnies, in their boldness, wouldn’t keep off of them!

Clem: And so you declared war?

Maleficus: What are you talking about?

Clem: You declared war on the bunnies, I mean. Because they wouldn’t keep off the pitch.

Maleficus: Declare war on bunnies? Are you insane?

Clem: Oh, yes, suggesting that the Giant Evil Spiders would declare war on the Dire Bunnies whom they’d driven underground with air pollution... yeah, you’re right, that’s insane. Forget I said it.

Maleficus: Consider it forgotten, Dean Clemwise.

Clem: Don’t keep calling me that.

Lana: So ‘ow did the war come about, Maleficus?

Maleficus: Ah, yes, the war. In which the Bunnies learned to stay off the pitch! The war began--

Clem: Who’s that banging on the studio door? June, could you check that out?

Maleficus: The war began several years after the Bunnies were driven underground--

Clem: HOLY CRAPPING BEJEEZUS!!

Lana: Lemmy! Lemmy Lemmy Lemmy!! You’re alive!!

Maleficus: Oh, hello, Lemmy.

Clem: Holy crapping Bejeezus!

Lana: Wait, wait, wait, Lemmy! We can’t ‘ear you. June, get ‘im a ‘eadset!

Lemmy: I said, you’re gonna to hell, Clem, man, with all that ‘crapping Bejeezus stuff.’

Lana: You’re alive!

Lemmy: Who?

Lana: You!

Lemmy: Me? I’m alive?

Lana: Yeh, you!

Lemmy: Why wouldn’t I be alive, man?

Lana: We thought Maleficus ate you!

Clem: Maleficus didn’t eat you!

Maleficus: I told you. I told you I told you I told you I told you! Hah!

Clem: For the edification of our listeners, I should jusst explain that we’ve discovered that Octavarion Maleficus did not eat Lemmy Atom!

Lana: It’s some kinda miracle! Lemmy, where the ‘ell ‘ave you been?

Lemmy: I dunno. I just went out for some sauce, man. Say, is the Kickathon done yet?

Lana: The Kickathon was three months ago!

Lemmy: Huh? The hell you say.

Clem: You’ve been missing for three freaking months, Lemmy! Where the hell have you been?

Lemmy: Uh... Let’s see... three months? Man, I just went out for some sauce. Maleficus, you remember?

Maleficus: Indeed I do, Lemmy. For the pat three months I have been unjustly accused of having eaten you.

Lemmy: Ugh! No way, man!

Maleficus: Way, Lemmy.

Lemmy: You guys thought Maleficus ate me? How disgusting is that?

Clem: Lemmy, where the hell have you been?

Lemmy: I told you, Clem, I just went out for some sauce.

Clem: Yeah, but you’ve been missing for three months! Where were you?

Lemmy: Uh... gettin’ sauce?

Lana: You weren’t gettin’ sauce for three months, Lemmy. Wot ‘appened to you?

Lemmy: Um... when?

Lana: When you went to get sauce!

Lemmy: Well, I had to stand in line for a while...

Lana: For three months?!

Lemmy: No, it couldn’t have been that long.

Lana: So where were you all that time?

Lemmy: Well, I had to go to the ATM for some lemmings.

Clem: There’s ATMs all over the stadium! Which one did you go to?

Lemmy: That one down the hall there.

Clem: And how long did that take?

Lemmy: I dunno. A couple minutes, I guess.

Clem: Lemmy, you haven’t accounted for any of the three months you were missing. Think about it: where the hell were you?

Lana: Did you leave the stadium, Lemmy?

Lemmy: Leave the stadium? I didn’t have time to leave the stadium, Lana, man. I had to get back for the second half.

Clem: You didn’t get back for the second half! Not by a long shot.

Lemmy: Wait a minute. Are you guys telling me the game’s over?

Lana: The ‘ole blinkin’ tournament’s over, Lemmy! Europa Brittania won it.

Lemmy: Oh, man. I missed the whole thing?

Maleficus: Every single match.

Lemmy: Did the Lemmings repeat?

Clem: Are you freaking kidding me? The Lemmings were awful. They barely qualified.

Maleficus: Aha! So you admit the Lemmings were awful, Dean Clemwise!

Lana: The Lemmings were eliminated in the firs’ round, Lemmy.

Lemmy: Aw, man! That sucks.

Lana: Pretty much.

Lemmy: Say, are you guys hungry? I feel like I haven’t eaten in months.

Maleficus: Why don’t you go out to get us something, Lemmy?

Lemmy: Yeah, that’s a good idea--

Lana: No you don’t! You ain’t leavin’ the booth again ‘til the broadcast is over.

Lemmy: How come?

Lana: ‘Cause the las’ time you left you disappeared for three months!

Lemmy: I did? No way!

Clem: That’s okay. June is signalling me that we’re out of time. We’ll have to wrap the broadcast up.

Maleficus: I did not have time to tell of the War of the Bunnies, but I was vindicated of Lemmycide. Overall, a good broadcast.

Clem: Maleficus, I think we all owe you a big apology. I’m sorry we thought you’d eaten Lemmy.

Lana: Me too. Sorry, Maleficus.

Maleficus: Your apologies are accepted. Your government will be hearing from my solicitors shortly. I hope that they enjoy paying massive settlements to those they have unjustly and illegally imprisoned.

Clem: Oh, they love it.

Lemmy: Wait a minute. Are you guys saying Maleficus ate me?

Clem: And that’s time. From Lemco City, this has been Lana Maelstrom, Octavarion Maleficus, yours truly Clem Gilson, and inexplicably, Lemmy “Atom” Meisterbrau. Goodnight Lemmitania.