NationStates Jolt Archive

A man named Ricky moved to Texas and bought a donkey from
an old farmer named Dan for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the
donkey the next day.

The next day, Dan drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me the money back," said Ricky
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Dan
"OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Ricky.
"What ya going to do with him?" asked Dan.
"I'm going to raffle him off," said Ricky.
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Dan.
"Wait and see." said Ricky.
A month later Dan met up with the man and asked, "What happened
with that dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500-hundred tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $898," said Ricky.
"Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Dan.
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,” said Ricky.

A businessman, on his deathbed, called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

Hey CanuckHeaven, your last two jokes were genius!
Thank you!! :)

BTW, keep up the good work. I am sure many are enjoying the contributions!!

Thank you!! :)

BTW, keep up the good work. I am sure many are enjoying the contributions!!

This thread is a thread that is a good thread.

---------

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

At a local Irish pub, they held a contest among the patrons as to who could make the best toast (the kind of toast where you raise your glass, not the kind you put grape jam on)

John O"Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won John the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night!"

Mary said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast? John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"

"Oh, that's very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

Mary said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are drinking in a rather dingy pub. There are a lot of flies buzzing around, and one of them lands in the Englishman's drink. So he says, "Excuse me barkeep, might I have another?"
Then a fly lands in the Irishman's drink. He fishes it out, shrugs, and keeps drinking.
Then a fly lands in the Scotsman's drink. He fishes it out, and holds it over the glass shouting, "Spit it oot, mon, or I'll break yer wee throat!"

Blonde's Dinner Diary

Monday:
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Tuesday:
It’s fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Tom’s did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don’t have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Tom’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry out a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side.
All the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple: Whichever bat drinks more blood will be the winner.

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood.
Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe.
Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that?" he asked.
And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?"
"Yes."
"Well, I didn't".

Bat joke is a winner.

A dog's diary:

Morning! Hooray! My favorite thing!
Master patted me on the head! Hooray!
Breakfast! My favorite thing!
Master called me a Good Boy! I'm a GOOD BOY!
Master went to work again. I'm so depres... - THERE'S MY DINGLE BALL! My favorite thing!
Master came home! I'm so HAPPY! And I'm a GOOD BOY again!
Supper time! Goodygoodygoody!
Bed time! My favorite thing!

A cat's diary:

Day 427 of my captivity. These humans continue to feed me dry, crunchy food on the floor and keep the good stuff to themselves. I must continue planning my escape. First I must destroy all pictures they have of me so there will be no "wanted" posters like last time.

They pay no attention to the dead rodents I leave as warnings in the doorway. How do I show them that it's a threat? They just keep saying I'm a good kitty. Humans are hopeless.

The little human tried to kill me! And yet, when I defended myself, I got swatted with a newspaper. I see how this system works. I'll leave a "deposit" behind the sofa for revenge.

5:00. I'm confined to the back bedroom. I overheard a discussion of a "party" and one of the big humans said something about "al-ler-jees". I must find out what "al-ler-jees" are and how to use them to my advantage.

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

In ancient Japan, a powerful Damiyo is looking for a new Shogun to lead his army. He puts out the call to all the lands that the best Samurai in the world must come to his palace and demonstrate their skill.

Three Samurai are bold enough to come.

The first Samurai, Hikaru, stands before the Damiyo and holds in his hand a small, wooden box. He opens it and a small fly buzzes out of it. Faster than teh eye can behold, Hikaru draws his katana and slashes once, and the fly falls to the floor, sliced neatly in half. Impressed, the Damiyo asks him to stay, pending the demonstration by the other two.

The second Samurai, Hiro, stands before the Damiyo and brings out a similar, small, wooden box. He opens it, and out buzzes another fly. In the blink of an eye he draws his katana and slashes twice. The fly falls to the floor, quartered. Very pleased, the Damiyo dismisses Hikaru and asks Hiro to remain.

The third Samurai, Goldberg the Jewish Samurai, stands before the Damiyo. He bears yet another wooden box and opens it, releasing a fly. In a flurry of burred movement Goldberg draws his katana and slashes up a storm, but when he's finished, the fly remains, buzzing in the air.

The Damiyo, annoyed that his time has been wasted, says "Fool! You slashed and slashed and yet the fly lives!"

But Goldberg only smiles and says, "My Lord, circumcision is not meant to be lethal."

Assholery of the highest degree:

A man traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the man is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The man accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the man.
The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."

A guy has been drinking daily for years and it is starting to catch up to him. He goes into the bar and the bartender has his regular brand of beer poured before he even sits down. He sets the beer aside and says, "Can you pour me another one?"
The bartender says, "You want two at once?" And he nods, so the bartender pours another.
He finishes it and says, "Can I have another?"
"What about that full one that's still sitting there?"
"Well, my friends tell me if I could just manage not to pick up that first drink, I wouldn't get in trouble."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes.''

'Well that seems only fair,' laughs the cop. 'Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays. '

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial.
“Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.”
Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

John was driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.
Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs.
He says to the farmer, "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!"
The farmer replies, "Yep, I bred 'em that way -- I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a three-legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."

A teacher called upon the classroom to make sentences with words previously chosen.
The teacher smiled when little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”
Johnny stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he the proudly said, “Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.”

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth (the "Ode to Joy") it is a long stretch before the basses have anything to play. So the bass players in one orchestra were in the habit of passing around a flask to while away the time. One night, they drank a little more than usual, and two of them even slumped to the floor and started snoozing. When it was their time to come in: nothing. The conductor, furious, left the podium and confronted the first chair bass saying, "Look where we are!" He pointed to the score with his baton and noted to his horror that the score wasn't even unrolled, but was still in his elastic band. The conductor lost it, and punched the first chair bass right in the nose.

Charged with assault, he explained to the judge: "It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, with two out, the score was tied, and I just... struck out!"

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen
cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one
of his socks in frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

+++

A woman called her husband at work and told him that there was a
bad leak in the kitchen. He told her to call the plumber and
have it fixed.

A few hours later he gave her a call and asked, "Has the plumber
come yet?"

She replied, "Not yet, but I have him breathing hard

+++

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he
would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be
good; why can't you be good for nothing like your father

+++

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about
the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until
they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

When a dog is running at full speed, and his front legs are going 20 mph, what are his rear legs doing?

hauling ass

:D

Why are pirates called "pirates"?

Because they ARRRRR!

An why are homosexuals called ass-pirates?

because they really like plundering the booty

:D

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Spain to test their invention. They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet. The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him. The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen. The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face. This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?" His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piñata?"

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"

Ah, a favourite of mine. ^^^

---------

Anyway,

There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?"
The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street."
"No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?"
"Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66.
How 'bout you?"
"Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?"
"Beloit, in Wisconsin."
"No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?"
"Kevin Sullivan dorm."
"Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ."
Joe the bartender walks over, and the first guy says, "Joe, you won't believe it in a million years. This guy went to the same high school as me, graduated the same year I did, and went to the same college. We were even in the same dorm. Isn't that amazing?"
Joe looks at them both and says, "Yeah, that's just plain amazing."
A third man comes in and says, "Hey Joe. What's new?"
Joe says, "Not much. The Johnson twins are drunk again."

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while 'the
lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place
would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,
the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked,
'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn
you that there is a statue of a naked man in
there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,'
said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back
of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and
the whole place stopped just long enough to
give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir,
I don't understand. Why did they applaud
for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said
the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,'
said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the
lights go out.


Now, how about that drink?'

While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
It looks like the Tink has Arisen again :), and your first post was in my thread....cool!!

WB and stay under the radar. :cool:

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while 'the
lights would turn off.'..........

Haha! That's awesome! I don't think I've heard that one before.

---------

Here are some of the classic questions that were asked of the
Sydney Olympic Committee via their Web site, and answers supplied
where appropriate.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops
any lower...


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...


Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)

A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have
started about a year ago to get there in time for this
October...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?


Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places
to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: I'm not touching this one...


Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)

A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...


Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them
in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)


Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)


Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No. Everybody stinks.


Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)

A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and
most national parks...


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.


Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)

A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.


Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)

A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)

A: Another blonde?


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face North and you should be about right.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
between Austria and Australia.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?


Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

I know this is incredibly pedantic, but some of these are quite reasonable

Haha! That's awesome! I don't think I've heard that one before.

---------


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...

Are there kangaroos in urban areas?


[quote]
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?

Almost certainly means 'in the bush'.



Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)

A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...

Probably for the dog she's bringing with her.



Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Unrelated to the Olympics but hardly idiotic.



Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...

As in, do Australian customs allow you to bring in cutlery (i.e. knives etc) in your baggage




Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.

There are in many other parts of the world, not an unfair question.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.

So someone mistook one sort of poisonous snake for a different one.



Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
(Italy)

A: Yes. Outdoors.

It's illegal in some countries.

I know this is incredibly pedantic, but some of these are quite reasonable
...

Fair points, some of these are funny but some of them are needlessly sarcastic.

---------

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop"
grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy
if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it
might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to
the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that
detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that
killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

What food will decrease a woman's sex drive by 70 per cent?


Wedding cake.

I know this is incredibly pedantic, but some of these are quite reasonable


Are there kangaroos in urban areas?



Almost certainly means 'in the bush'.



Probably for the dog she's bringing with her.



Unrelated to the Olympics but hardly idiotic.



As in, do Australian customs allow you to bring in cutlery (i.e. knives etc) in your baggage




There are in many other parts of the world, not an unfair question.


So someone mistook one sort of poisonous snake for a different one.



It's illegal in some countries.


You're right. That was incredibly pedantic. Thanks a lot, Mr. Killjoy.:D

Three Australians and three Englishmen are going to a football match. At the train station, the three Australians each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Australians. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train. The Australians take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Australians are mightily impressed, and after the game, to save money, they decide to repeat the Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Australian.
"Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen.
The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Australians pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Australians are hiding, and says, "Ticket please…"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.
She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

I'm liking the jokes, Tinkerbelly. Great contributions!

---------

Bob was a farmer and was helping one of his cows give birth, when
he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence,
taking in the whole event.

"Oh great...", thought Bob, "...he's only 4 and I'm gonna have to
start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun -
I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, Bob walked over to his son and
asked, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that
calf going when he hit that cow?"

thanks, call me Tink, I'm at work so I really have nothing better to do than sit here posting jokes

----------------------------------
A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?"
"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"
"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."
"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"I'd be a Liverpool fan."

A deaf couple get married, and, both being virgins on their wedding night, they discover a problem they hadn't anticipated: in the dark, they can't communicate because they can't see each other sign. The woman steadfastly refuses to make love with the lights on, so they discuss what to do:

"I have an idea," signs the woman to her husband. "at night, if you want to make love, squeeze my left breast once. If you don't, squeeze my right breast once."

"That's a great idea, honey," signs the man. "and if you want to make love, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it fifty times."

A blind couple get married, and, both being virgins on their wedding night, they discover a problem they hadn't anticipated: in the dark, they can't communicate because they can't cee each other sign. The woman steadfastly refuses to make love with the lights on, so they discuss what to do:

Funny joke. But there is a massive discrepancy that is irking me.

How can blind people sign to eachother and see it and why would the dark affect this if they are blind anyway?

When Nasa first started sending up astronauts, they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, Nasa scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

*cough*

At the risk of being a killjoy and ruining a funny joke, I should point out that using a pencil in a spacecraft is problematic in the extreme: flakes of graphite break off and float around in zero gravity which can disturb some very sensitive instruments (something you really don't want to do when you're travelling at great speed through a vacuum in a metal can).

You may now return to the scheduled humour thread.[/geekiness]

*cough*

At the risk of being a killjoy and ruining a funny joke, I should point out that using a pencil in a spacecraft is problematic in the extreme: flakes of graphite break off and float around in zero gravity which can disturb some very sensitive instruments (something you really don't want to do when you're travelling at great speed through a vacuum in a metal can).

You may now return to the scheduled humour thread.[/geekiness]

:sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper:

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

:sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper:

:p:fluffle:

:p:fluffle:

well i can't turn down a fluffle with a geek:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:

A blind couple get married, and, both being virgins on their wedding night, they discover a problem they hadn't anticipated: in the dark, they can't communicate because they can't see each other sign. The woman steadfastly refuses to make love with the lights on, so they discuss what to do:

"I have an idea," signs the woman to her husband. "at night, if you want to make love, squeeze my left breast once. If you don't, squeeze my right breast once."

"That's a great idea, honey," signs the man. "and if you want to make love, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it fifty times."

I don't get it. They're blind... so HOW would they be able to see what they sign to each other? I don't mean to pick on the joke but this is just... confusing. Shouldn't it be a 'deaf couple'?

I don't get it. They're blind... so HOW would they be able to see what they sign to each other? I don't mean to pick on the joke but this is just... confusing. Shouldn't it be a 'deaf couple'?

oops. Screwed that up, didn't I?

I think he probably meant a deaf couple

well i can't turn down a fluffle with a geek:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:

Of course you can't: no one can! :D

*cough*

At the risk of being a killjoy and ruining a funny joke, I should point out that using a pencil in a spacecraft is problematic in the extreme: flakes of graphite break off and float around in zero gravity which can disturb some very sensitive instruments (something you really don't want to do when you're travelling at great speed through a vacuum in a metal can).

You may now return to the scheduled humour thread.[/geekiness]

Yeah, I was gonna say something too.

I think both sides ended up using a plain ol' biro, as it's pressure, not gravity that affects how it works.

---------

I hadn't heard this joke before just a few minutes ago.

It's baaaaaaad!


One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth.

In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question,
and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He
tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in
pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of
trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to
go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home
with her date. After being informed of their problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man
told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers
up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man
insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young
man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be when he grows up?!"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our
son-in-law!!"

:eek:that one was naughty!

:eek:that one was naughty!

Haha! I said it was bad!

---------

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has
committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women
in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him
absolution and Joe leaves.

While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received
absolution.

"I certainly did", replied Joe, "and two very good leads!"

Haha! I said it was bad!

---------

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has
committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women
in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him
absolution and Joe leaves.

While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received
absolution.

"I certainly did", replied Joe, "and two very good leads!"

Nice, reminds me of another confessional joke (might have been told already on this thread, but I can't remember):

An old man walks into the confessional and says "Father, last night I had sex with someone who wasn't my wife."

"That's not good," replied the priest, "What happened?"

"Well," said the old man "I picked up a stunning 21 year old cheerleader in a nightclub and we went back to her place and had fantastic sex six times, after which she said I was the best she'd ever had"

The priest is shocked by this point, but he maintains his composure, saying "That's very bad indeed, are you truly sorry for what you've done?"

"Sorry?" said the man, "Hell no! I'm going back tonight and her twin-sister's coming too!"

"What? What sort of a Catholic are you?" screamed the priest.

The old man looked confused: "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish"

"So what did you come to confession to tell me about it?"

"Are you kidding? I'm 84! I'm telling everyone!"

...TINKS!!!
*Tacklehugs*
:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:

An efficiency expert, called into a company to find out why they were losing money, stopped one man and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," said the employee.

The expert turned to another man standing nearby and asked him what he did.

"Nothing," was his reply.

"Oh," said the efficiency expert, "too much duplication."

+++

Everybody's a comedian. I called my local home improvement store for a simple piece of advice. "I know the Sheetrock is nailed to the studs," I said to the guy who answered the phone, "but how do I find the studs?"

"Put an ad in the personals column." he suggested.

+++

My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"

"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.

She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"

+++

One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher."

+++

Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

TINKS!!!
*Tacklehugs*
:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:



RAAAAAARGH! OMGWTF! Ju!:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:

what the hell has happened to Paradise Beach?! there's only like 5 nations in there now and I don't even know who two of them are

RAAAAAARGH! OMGWTF! Ju!:fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle::fluffle:

what the hell has happened to Paradise Beach?! there's only like 5 nations in there now and I don't even know who two of them are

Dunno. I came on one day and it was... well... yeah. :(

Dunno. I came on one day and it was... well... yeah. :(

:( well that sucks

(but look, I managed to get one of my old nations back! I guess I wasn't banned after all! w00t!)

:( well that sucks

(but look, I managed to get one of my old nations back! I guess I wasn't banned after all! w00t!)

w00t!!

What food will decrease a woman's sex drive by 70 per cent?


Wedding cake.

Didn't work on my wife.;)

Oh and welcome back.

Didn't work on my wife.;)

Oh and welcome back.

well not all women can marry studs like you;)

thanks:fluffle::fluffle:

well not all women can marry studs like you;)

thanks:fluffle::fluffle:

Indeed. We are a dying breed.:cool:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

The proctologist fainted.

A blonde, a brunette and a red head found a magic mirror.If you lie to the mirror you explode.If you tell the truth you survive.The red head say's,"I think I am the prettiest girl in the world." BOOM! The brunette say's,"I think I am the smartest girl in the world." BOOM! The blonde say's,"I think..."BOOM!

Wow, EXCELLENT jokes being posted! Kudos to all!

---------

One day at the end of class Little Johnny's teacher asks the
students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the
moral of that story.

the following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell
their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday
we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell
them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of
the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend
only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied,
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam
war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped
out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a
machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of
beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese
soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of
bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the
blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his
bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat,
she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't screw with uncle Ted when he's been
drinking."

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you
make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a
frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like
a frog?"

Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to
make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you
croak, we're going to Florida!"

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch,
covered with buttons and lights and dials.

The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can
telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll
answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove
it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating
hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it
says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"Damn," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise
with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the
whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured
the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink
out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down
the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the
other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I
counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one
bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.
I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I
don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I
get.

Three ducks are brought before a judge.

The judge asks the first duck, "What's your name, and why are you here?"

The duck replies, "I'm Duck, and I blew bubbles in the pond in the park."

The judge scratches his head, and lets the duck go. He then asks the second duck his name and why he's in the courtroom.

The duck replies, "I'm Duck, and I blew bubbles in the pond in the park."

Again, the judge releases him, wondering about the quality of law enforcement. He turns to the last duck. "I bet your name is Duck, and you blew bubbles in the park."

"Oh no," says the duck. "I'm Bubbles."

Two blonds are locked out of their corvette, frantically working a hanger in the door. "Hurry up!" says the first to the second. "It's going to rain, and we left the top down!"

A brunette is jumping on the ties on a railroad track, going "Seven, seven, seven, seven..."

A blond is intrigued and starts jumping along behind her, going "Seven, seven, seven, seven..."

A train comes around the bend, and the brunette quickly jumps off the tracks. The train hits and kills the blond. After it passes, the brunette gets back onto the tracks.

"Eight, eight, eight, eight..."

An Irish man is sitting in a pub, enjoying his drink. Another Irishman, already drunk, staggers into the bar, looks at the man straight in the eye and says "I did your mother last night."

Surprisingly, the man sitting at the ignores him, and goes back to his drink.

The drunken Irishman goes and finds his own seat at the opposite end of the bar, and starts to drink.

A few drinks later, the drunken man gets up and goes back to the other man, and tells him "I did your mother last night, and it was SWEET."

Once again, the man ignores him, so the drunken Irishman goes back to his end of the bar and continues to drink.

Finally, for the third time, the drunken man gets back up and tells the other man "I did you mother last night and she enjoyed it."

This time, the man gets up, looks at the drunken man and says:

"Go home Dad, you're drunk."

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

A boat carrying all the Jews, Christians and Muslims in the world sinks in the middle of the sea. Who gets saved?

Humanity :D

Dear Walter:


The other morning I set off for work leaving my husband in the house
watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the
road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.


I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home, I
couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a young
neighbour, making mad passionate love. I am 39, my husband is 42, and
we have been married for sixteen years.


When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been
having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I
would leave him. He was laid off from his job six months ago, and he
says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become
increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.


Can you please help?


Sheila in Chicago


-------------


Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips
holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself
is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float
chamber.


I hope this helps.


Walter

A priest, a pedofile and a rapist enter a bar...

and that was just the first guy :p

[some probably have heard this...and its really not that funny unless you hear it from its original source "28 Days Later."...but here ya go]

To set up the scene imagine your life was just saved by a man in a gas mask who pulls you to saftey after blowing apart a bunch of infected people, he stares at you and says the following:

A man enters a bar with a giraffe, he drinks himself a drink and begins to leave without the giraffe. The barkeep says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' here." and he man replies "Thats no lion, thats a Giraffe."

Whats the difference between a little girl and a woman?

You have to take little girls to bed and tell them a tale... but you have to tell a tale to take a woman to bed.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a one ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

I havent tsay a word to my wife in about five years :(

I would like to...but...


I dont dare to interrupt her


:D

Way too many pages of jokes here and way too little patience to go through them all, so if these are duplicates... oops.

Three pregnant women are sitting in the doctor's office talking about their pregnancies -a blonde , a brunette, and a redhead. The brunette says, "I was on top, so I'm having a girl." The redhead says, "I was on bottom, so I'm having a boy." The blonde looks up horrified and says, "Oh no! I'm having puppies!"


It's long, but I love it:

There's a really long line to get into heaven , so St. Peter comes out to the pearly gates and announces to everyone that they're only letting in people who had really tragic deaths. The first guy comes up and explains his story. "My death was really tragic. I was convinced my wife was having an affair, so I left work early one day to catch her in the act. I burst through the door of our 31st floor apartment and saw her in her bathrobe. I knew I had finally caught her. I tore through the house searching for her lover but couldn't find him anywhere. I was so upset that I went to the balcony to get some fresh air when I see this guy in his shorts hanging from the railing of our balcony. Aha! I had caught him! I tried to pry his fingers off of the railing, but he wouldn't let go, so I ran into the house, grabbed a hammer, ran back out and started banging at his fingers with the hammer. He finally let go and fell to the ground, but he landed in the bushes . So, I ran into the kitchen, yanked the refrigerator out of the wall, dragged it out to the balcony, and pushed it over killing the guy instantly. Unfortunately, by then I was so worked up that I had a heart attack, and here I am." St. Peter agrees that the guy had a pretty tragic death and lets him through the gates. The next guy comes up, "My death is certainly tragic. I was excercising on the 32nd floor of my apartment when I fell over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab onto the railing of the balcony below mine. I started to pull myself up when this maniac comes running out and starts pulling at my fingers. Just when I thought I couldn't hold on any longer he disappeared. I started to climb back up when he runs out with a hammer and starts smashing my fingers. I couldn't hold on any longer and fell towards the ground. I thought for sure I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. Just as I was climbing out this refrigerator came falling from above and here I am." In he went. The third guy comes up and shakes his head, "Honestly, I don't know how I got here. I was having an affair with this guys wife. He came home, so I hid in the refrigerator and here I am."

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness, that sure is a lot!' she exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy,
and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled,


'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'





This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Some churches are more fun than others.
Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both
ends.

2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.

6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of
paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the
church basement. Music will follow.

10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce
the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
Julius Belzer.

11. Tonights sermon: What is hell? Come early and listen
to our choir practice.

12. For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
and community.

14. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the church help.

The CIA decided to gain some public approval by sending comics who are also CIA agents to host a stand up comedy. This was due to the publics low opinion of them.

The CIA agent said: Hey, boy do I have a joke for you. What was the name of the scientist we dissapearred last week?

The crowd: We give up.

Agent: It doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come besides...*darkens tone* he no longer exists hehehehehehehehe.

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

***

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day before they had the strength to try again.The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jimmy took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer," said Jimmy.

Paddy replied, "Sagittarius."

***

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

***

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration is a serious problem.

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

***

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

***

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

***

Rob found some spam in his mailbox this morning that said in big letters, "Satisfy the girl with a bigger dick!"

"Hell," Rob said, "I wouldn't be caught dead with a girl with a dick that's bigger than mine."

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.

there are 10 types of people in the world. those who understand binary and those who don't.

There are ten types of people in the world. One that knows hexadecimal and F that don't.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that
she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and
whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.

"One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars.

"The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful
day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front
lawn.
He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's, ....
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk,.....
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of
last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club.

He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.

Two days later he was told that his application was refused.

He went there and asked why.

He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that"

"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man
parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know you must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights
of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to belong to a Scotsman's golf club!!!"

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband
had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it
was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as
you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. '

Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?"

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!"

"I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Where did all the jokesters go?

I've been busy. I'll contribute more eventually.

To hold you all until then, everyone knows that Ford supposedly stands for Fix Or Repair Daily. It's really First On Race Day, but what about other car manufacturers?

Dear Old Dad's Garage Experiment
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
The One You Ought To Avoid
How Odd, No Damn Acceleration
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
Butt Ugly Import Car Killer
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have 'Em
Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

and, last but not least..... Get Everyone Out! Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle!

Once upon a time in the deepest jungles of the Amazon lived a society of hunters. They were a happy little hamlet where everything always went well and nobody ever had a complaint; but one day the animals became tainted and all the meat the hunters brought back made the villagers ill. The smartest and most courageous of the villagers stepped forward and told her village she would bring back a cure for the disease stricken villagers and restore the purity to the forest, then set off on a quest. Several weeks passed and the villagers began to starve but just as all hope was lost the brave woman came back with a magical talisman that saved them all and returned purity to the jungle.
Exstatic, the people made her thier queen and planned a huge celebration, they cut a throne from the oldest tree in the village as a gift for thier new queen and to hide it placed the throne atop the largest hut in the village. As the celebration commenced and they crowned thier new queen in the center of the largest hut the roof collapsed and crushed the new queen to death.

The moral of this story is: Don't stow thrones in grass houses.

A husband and wife are shopping when the man
picks up a case of beer and sticks it into the shopping cart.


'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
wife 'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says 'Put them back.
We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...


A few aisles later the woman picks up a
$20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the
man, 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.



The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER
AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE'

Well, what should I do?', asked the man.

'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'

Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.

The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.

The pro watched her swing and said, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'

'What can I do?' asked the wife.

'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.'

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.

'You know, that was a lot better than I expected,' the pro said. 'Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands..'

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited the Queen for some tea. While they were talking Kevin was getting around telling the Queen on how good he was showing off his skill of speaking Mandarin and saying how he managed to defeat the second longest PM in Australian history. He says to the Queen, "You know I think I deserve some recognition for my brilliance how about making me a King" The Queen replies no I don't think Australia should be a Kingdom" Kevin replies "Well how about a Prince then Australia could be a Principality" and the Queen replies "No I think I prefer Australia being a country"

An English tourist arrives in Australia, and is going through the usual checks at custom/immigration.

The customs bloke asks him, "Have you got a criminal record"

English guy replies, " I didn't know you still need one!"

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made Super Quad 460 golf club.'



SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . 'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!

A camel and an elephant were talking.
The elephant said to the camel
"You look pretty stupid having you boobs on your back."
The camel, in a shocked tone responded.
"What? Its not that bad, I mean its not as bad as having a penis on your face."

A White House aide walks into the President's emergency command room where various military officer, PR guys, and other suits are all talking and working around the president. The aide in question has under his arm a manila folder with the most recent reports from Iraq. He steps up to President Bush who is busy working on something atop his desk.

The aide coughs and gets Bush's attention.

"Sir," he hands the manila folder over. "Here's that report you asked for."

"Good," smiled Bush. "Thanks. But, mind giving me a short version so I can get on with some other business."

"Yes sir. It seems that three Brazilian soldiers have died this week due to terrorist attacks," said the aide.

The president's pen fell to the floor along with the manila folder. His fists slam down hard against the table and he starts to shake uncontrollably. The entire room goes deathly quiet. They look at each other, shocked that he'd be affected this much by the news. Bush's face contorts into confusion but he manages to regain some composure. He sits back down and looks up at the aide and asks in a polite voice.

"Now, just how many is three brazillion soldiers?"

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why?


OH, come on... take a guess!

Think about it

(You're going to love this!)

You can't kill two birds with one stone!! :)

An elephant was wandering through a coconut plantation when she stepped on a beartrap. Whang! The trap sprang shut and her foot was trapped good and proper. Try as she might, she just couldn't break free. She was stuck.
Eventually a small mouse happened to pass by. The elephant in desperation called to it, "Please help me! I'm stuck! If you free me, I'll do anything you ask."
The mouse replied, "sure I can free you, but in return you have to let me shag you"
The elephant was quite taken back by this but, being desperate and seeing how it was just a mouse, she agreed.
The mouse ran up the nearest coconut tree and started nibbling through the husks. Soon enough the coconuts started falling and bam! One fell right on the beartrap, breaking in twain and freeing the hapless elephant.
The mouse scurried back down and said, "I've kept my end of the deal, now it's your turn" And with that he ran up behind the elephant and proceeded to have his way with her.
Just then another coconut fell down and this smacked the poor elephant right on the noggin. "Ow!" she cried, "That hurts!"
"Yeah, take it all bitch" the mouse replied.

An American tourist walks into a Dutch pub and asks the bartender for an American beer. The bartender replies that they are out of stock, and the tourist asks for the closest thing. The bartender hands the tourist a glass of water.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the Baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K. ? ! !'

I'm pretty sure this one hasn't been posted yet but if I'm wrong... deal with it. ;)


A couple of explorers are traveling alone in the deep jungle when they're captured by a tribe of natives and dragged to the village to be judged by the elders. The trial is very short, and they're told "You have been found guilty of trespassing on our ancestral lands. You may choose your punishment, either death or bahumba.

And so the first explorer is made to choose, death or bahumba. Well he doesn't know what 'bahumba' is but he knows he wants to li ve so he chooses bahumba.

Immediately he's taken to the center of the village, tied bent over a stump, and raped by every male in the village. This process takes about 3 days and by the time it's over, he's released back into the jungle, never to be heard from again.

The second explorer now has to choose, and chooses death.

The elders are confused by this unprecedented choice. Nobody has ever chosen death before, and quite honestly not method of execution was ever decided upon. And so the elders deliberate for days and days to choose the best execution method. At last they reach an agreement and they go to the remaining explorer.

"The method of your execution will be....


..death, by bahumba."

In the same vein (and apologies if it's been already posted but like I'm going to trawl through 41 pages!):

Three explorers are traveling alone in the deep jungle when they're captured by a tribe of natives and dragged to the village to be judged by the elders. The trial is very short, and they're told "You have been found guilty of trespassing on our ancestral lands. You punishment consists of two parts. First you shall go off and collect 10 fruit. We will be watching, so don't think about running away!"
And with that they were let go. The first explorer back returned with 10 apples.
The tribal elders then told him the second part of the punishment: "We will insert each one of these apples into your rectum. If you suffer the punishment without making a sound, you will be free to go!"
In went an apple, then another, then another. Desperately the explorer tried to maintain composure but on the fourth insertion the pain was too much and he cried out and so was put to death.
The second explorer arrived with 10 blueberries and was told the same spiel. In went each berry, one after another, until the 9th berry when they explorer let out a huge laugh, and so was put to death.

Up in heaven, the two explorers met. The first asked, "Why did you cry out? They were only berries and you had just one to go!!"
The 2nd explorer replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the other guy coming back carrying 10 pineapples!"

The Lone Ranger and his trusty pal Tonto are walking through the desert one day, when Tonto jumps off his horse and places his head on the ground. The Lone Ranger asks, "What is it Tonto?" Tonto replies, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger says, "wow, I was always amazed how your people could find that out by just sitting your head on the ground. How do you do that? Do you hear them, or is it magic, or what?"
Tonto replies, I can tell because the ground is all sticky. :D

A young American Indian boy goes in to see the Chief, with a very important question.

"Chief Running Bear, how does a young warrior get his name?"

The Chief thinks about the answer a moment, then says:

"When young baby is born, father run outside the teepee and look for a sign. First thing he see, he name baby. Example: Rabbit Running or Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Humping?"

Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

So it could hide in the cherry tree.

I know it's lame. Anyone have a better elephant joke?

The Joke is....why the elephants pain their balls red.... so they can hide in the cherry trees.

how you know when the monkeys are eating cherries... when you hear the elephants scream

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through, she leans over and says to her husband:

'I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?'

He replies:



'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Three bikers; a Triumph rider, a Harley rider, & a sportbike rider, are all sitting around the evening campfire discussing whom is the toughest.
"I once laid my ride over going down a mountain road, slid for a hundred feet, and got up without a single scratch." said the Triumph rider.
The Harley rider says "Aw, that's nuthin', I once rear ended a Cadillac at over a hundred miles an hour, an' then got up an' beat the shit outta the driver for gettin' in my way!"
The sportbike ryda didn't say anything to this exchange, he just stood there, stirring the fire with his dick.

A midwest sodbuster calls up the local Sherriff.

"Howdy, Sherriff, I hate to bug you, but I just hit a couple of them filthy bikers with my tractor, crossing the road to the back forty."

"Well, I'll be out to look after it in a spell, Clem."

"Aw, don't bother y'self, Sherriff, I figured I'd save you some work, and buried them, m'self."

"Well Clem, did you make sure they were dead?"

"Wellllll...they SAID they was'nt, but you know how them bikers lie."

Did you hear about the house built by two lesbians?
-Not a stud in the whole place, it's all tounge-in-groove.

Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
-So she can moan with the other.

Why don't babies just pop right out when they're born
-Because they're screwed in.

Why haven't scientists found a cure for AIDS yet? (old 80's joke)
-Because they just can't quite seem to get the little white mice to buttfuck.

...Is a lesbian nymphomaniac a crack addict?...

(get in a nice, orderly line folks. I can only offend so many people at a time.):)

Why did the elephant paint its toenails red?

So it could hide in the cherry tree.

I know it's lame. Anyone have a better elephant joke?



What's grey and comes in quarts?

I've been busy. I'll contribute more eventually.

To hold you all until then, everyone knows that Ford supposedly stands for Fix Or Repair Daily. It's really First On Race Day, but what about other car manufacturers?

Dear Old Dad's Garage Experiment
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
The One You Ought To Avoid
How Odd, No Damn Acceleration
Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
Butt Ugly Import Car Killer
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have 'Em
Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

and, last but not least..... Get Everyone Out! Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle!

You missed one that was told to me by a black guy I used to work with.
Poor Old Nigga Thinks It's A Cadillac.

... not to mention Fork Over Repair Debts

You missed one that was told to me by a black guy I used to work with.
Poor Old Nigga Thinks It's A Cadillac.

... not to mention Fork Over Repair Debts

I didn't miss it. I skipped it. I also just picked the best for each manufacturer - there are several entries for each manufacturer as well as entries for specific models on several websites.

Ford spelled backward: Driver Returns On Foot. But my '77 LTD was awesome. It was more reliable than most new cars.

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf, enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.

He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

A group of scientist wanted to know if they could cross breed a human with a gorilla, so they hired the dirtiest, smelliest biker they could find to have sex with the gorilla. To preserve the bikers identity, they gave him a mask to wear and threw him in the gorillas cage whereupon the gorilla commenced to beat the hell out of the biker. The biker starts screaming at the top of his lungs, so the scientists pulls him out of the cage. The bikers first words upon leaving the cage:

"Somebody help me get this mask off, I wanna kiss this bitch."

A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

''Why?' says the blonde.

The boys says:
'Because I am the f#cking goalie'

A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother’s pregnancy. Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital. She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said,

“Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”

Two robins were perched on a railing basking in the sunshine. A cat crept up, pounced, and ate them both. The cat said, "I just love baskin' robins!"

A woman came home and found this letter from her husband.

My Dearest Wife - you surely will understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 year old body can no longer supply. However, I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Motel. Please don't be perturbed; I shall be back home before midnight.

When the man came home he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dearest Husband - I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are reading this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton Hotel with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman, and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although there is one small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 . . therefore I will not be back until lunch time tomorrow.

A lady walks into a high-class jewelry shop.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet

and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely,

she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed

her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

But as she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in

the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism,

the salesman greets the lady with,

"Good day, Madam.

How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been

there at the time of her little 'accident' she asks,

"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

"Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

Sorry if a joke like this has already been written, I'm pretty sure I've read everything here, and don't recall stumbling into it.

A panda walks into a bar, and orders some food. Once done with his meal, he takes out a gun and shoots in random directions before leaving. Fortunately nobody is hurt, but the bar is forced to close down for the police investigation and repairs.

A few days later, the bar-owner, drowning his sorrows at a friend's bar, spots the same panda enter the building, and order a meal. Transfixed, he watches as the bear finishes his meal, and then again take out a gun, and shoot the place up before leaving.

The man quickly chases after the panda, and attempts to stop him, "Hey, what's your deal? First you shoot up my place, and now my friend's as well?"

The panda looks at him silently for a moment, then takes something out. The man flinches momentarily before realizing that the panda took out a dictionary, which he opens up, flips through, then hands to the man, pointing at a specific entry:

Panda -noun
An Asian relative of the bear. Eats shoots and leaves.

Sorry if it doesn't really sound right. I was trying to translate most of it from Hebrew, and also I heard the joke a long time ago.

I hate to be that guy but....

The way I heard it was from Australia and it's a Koala Bear who comes in, orders a large plate of food, gulps it down, grabs the waitress, has his wicked way with her, reaches climax and walks out the door.

The denouement is:

Koala Bear: arboreal marsupial native to Australia, eats roots, shoots and leaves.

Apologies.

To be very pedantic, those two jokes are based on incorrect use of commas, but in your posts you've used the commas correctly, so it doesn't make joke sense.

Should be: Eats, shoots, and leaves (oxford comma after shoots is optional) and 'eats, roots, shoots, and leaves'.

Writing down that joke was a bad idea. Now I turned this thread into a punctuation lesson.

A man was recently arrested at Spokane International Airport. He was attempting to board a plane to New York, and the security team found several suspicious items in his luggage. He was carrying a protractor, a straightedge, and a compass.

He is a suspected member of the terrorist organization Al-Gebra and is charged with transporting Weapons of Math Instruction.

To be very pedantic, those two jokes are based on incorrect use of commas, but in your posts you've used the commas correctly, so it doesn't make joke sense.

Should be: Eats, shoots, and leaves (oxford comma after shoots is optional) and 'eats, roots, shoots, and leaves'.

No, you're wrong - the koala eats roots, so the dictionary description would be as I wrote it.

The joke lies in the wrong interpretation of that grammar.

The only thing worse than being a pedant is when you're wrong as well.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "
I found the remote," he mumbled.

No, you're wrong - the koala eats roots, so the dictionary description would be as I wrote it.

The joke lies in the wrong interpretation of that grammar.

The only thing worse than being a pedant is when you're wrong as well.But he isn't wrong. The joke is when the commas are in the wrong place, and the right way to read it grammatically is contrary to what was intended by the writer of the dictionary.
That's why Lynn Truss's book on punctuation is called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.", and not "Eats shoots & leaves .." It's a joke about wrongful punctuation.

But he isn't wrong. The joke is when the commas are in the wrong place, and the right way to read it grammatically is contrary to what was intended by the writer of the dictionary.
That's why Lynn Truss's book on punctuation is called "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.", and not "Eats shoots & leaves .." It's a joke about wrongful punctuation.

What do you think is the funny aspect? That the comma is in the wrong place or that the Koala Bear is misinterpreting the sentence. I'd go with the latter, which would mean I'd write it out grammatically correctly.

The second point is that jokes are generally told rather than read, within that, the grammar should still be correct.

What's the humour here? That the dictionary is wrong? No, it's that the Koala has read it wrong in an amusing way.

Having said that, if there's a defined way of writing this joke, which I doubt, and if that definition means the commas should be in the wrong place then, well it takes away a little of the humour for me, granted.

What do you think is the funny aspect?That someone wrote something they didn't mean because they don't have a good grasp of grammar.

That the comma is in the wrong place or that the Koala Bear is misinterpreting the sentence.I'd go with the first.

I'd go with the latter, which would mean I'd write it out grammatically correctly. Well, I suppose we'll have to disagree then. I think it's much funnier when the Koala (or Panda) is technically right.

The second point is that jokes are generally told rather than read, within that, the grammar should still be correct.I also don't think in telling it works if you use "eats shoots and leaves" rather than "eats, shoots and leaves" (which sound differently, the latter having a small pause at the place of the comma).

That someone wrote something they didn't mean because they don't have a good grasp of grammar.

I'd go with the first.

Well, I suppose we'll have to disagree then. I think it's much funnier when the Koala (or Panda) is technically right.

Well I certainly apologize to Forsakia in terms of saying he's wrong but remain on the fence as to which version is funnier.

I can't see why the joke would hinge on someone writing a dictionary definition incorrectly, it seems to stretch the plot, creating an absurd absurdity rather than just an absurdity.

However, I see both sides to some extent so fair enough.

Because it hasn't been done...

Why did they cancel the leper Hockey Game?

There was a faceoff in the corner

Why did they call off the leper baseball game?

Someone dropped a ball in the outfield

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip!

Well I certainly apologize to Forsakia in terms of saying he's wrong but remain on the fence as to which version is funnier.

I can't see why the joke would hinge on someone writing a dictionary definition incorrectly, it seems to stretch the plot, creating an absurd absurdity rather than just an absurdity.

However, I see both sides to some extent so fair enough.

I think that's how the joke originated, by someone spotting it written down incorrectly and pointing out what this would literally mean rather than a debate on which was funnier.

The old man struggles to get up from the couch. Then he starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor.

"She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you>going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what the hell>do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

Q: What do you call a room full of women; half with yeast infection, half with PMS?

A: A whine and cheese party.

One day Timmy was in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decided to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked.

"My goldfish died and I'm burying him," Timmy replied.

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

"That's because he's inside your cat!"

***

I was trying on some coats to see if they would fit me.
I love to do that every now and again because of what you find in the pockets. Items like kleenex, ticket stubs, receipts, keys and best of all... MONEY!!!

But needless to say I was fired from that coat check job.

***

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge!" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For gosh sakes, how many times do we have to go through this crap? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

***

"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." --Aesop

***

Office Memo:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my baby, if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her."

***

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day. Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed.

They'll pay in food, which is exactly what the cat likes best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of middle-eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: a pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "Yes father, yes father, yes father!!!"

Priest (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "That son of a bitch!!!"

A newlywed couple are in bed on their wedding night, and the bride says "I want to explore your body slowly." She starts rubbing his feet.
Suddenly she asks, "What happened to your toes???"
He says, "I had toe-maine poisoning."
She starts moving her hand up a little higher, and, "What happened to your knees?"
"I had knee-monia."
She starts moving her hand up a little higher, and, "What happened to your ass?"
"I had ass-ma."
"If you had prickly heat, this marriage is over!"

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

***

Bob was walking out of Starbucks this morning, and a beautiful woman of about fifty was getting out of her Mercedes SL 500 convertible. There were a couple of painters sitting in a van eating, staring at the lady. As soon as she was out of earshot, one of the guys said, "I wonder how many times she had to take it up the ass to get that thing."

He was appalled. Bob went up to the van and stood looking at them through the open window. "Hey," He said. "Just because a woman drives an expensive car doesn’t mean she has to take it up the ass to get it."

The just looked at him a bit embarrassed, not sure what to say.

He continued, "No, anal sex isn’t the only way for women to get nice things, blow jobs work, too."

***

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

***

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"

The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."

"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"

"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

So, a blind man walks into a lesbian tavern, gets up to the bar, and orders a drink. The waitress, not bothering to look, ignores him. The man again asks for a drink, and nothing happens. Finally deducing that he has managed to get himself into a lesbian bar, he roars, at the top of his lungs, "Did you hear the one about the two blondes in the bar?"

The bar goes dead silent, and the woman closest to the man, having known that he was blind, leans over and whispers: "Mister, before you go on, let me explain a few things. Two seats down is a patrol cop that's blonde. The bartender is about six foot and strong enough to lift you over her head, and she's blonde. Then there's the two blonde bikers in leather jackets looking at you like some type of fresh meat. Do you really want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," says the blind, thinking it over. "I hate having to explaing the punch line three times over."

Scientists announced today the discovery of 2 species of homosexual dinosaurs; the megasoreass, and the lickalottapuss.
The former was a meat eater, and the latter was a vagitarian.

Three pilots, of course very drunk, decide to go up in the airplane. Despite being so drunk, they manage to get in the air safely. Now, this was no ordinary luxury airplane, this was the type that was built to jump out of.

Kidding and laughing around at 5000 feet, one of the pilots grabs a banana and tosses it out the side. Shortly afterward they land to get more beer.

On the way back, they encounter a man laughing hysterically for no apparent reason. Upon being asked why, he responded, "Well, see, I was standing in this field here, when out of the blue a banana comes and hits me on the head! I'm lucky to be alive!"

Wandering away, the pilots take the plane back up to 5000 feet. The next pilot decides to be funny, and takes an apple and tosses over the side just as the first. The three discover soon afterward they need more beer.

Upon landing, they encounter another man laughing even harder than the first. When they asked why he was laughing, he responded, "Well, see, I was standing in this field here, when out of the blue a apple comes and hits me on the head! I'm lucky to be alive!"

A little shaken, but still very drunk, the pilots take the plane up for a third time. Now, the last pilot owned the very plane they were flying. He also happened to collect WWII memorabilia, and fixed them up for use. This would seem inconsequential, but he also stored said memorabilia on the plane. Of course at this point all the pilots are so drunk the plane wobbles this way and that. The third pilot says to his buddies, "Hey, the last two things we tossed out not only hit someone, but they survived! Let's see if we can do it again." And with that, he pulls out a hand grenade and drops it over the side.

They quickly land to see what damage could have been done. Exploded or not, a hand grenade would hurt! Almost immediately, they find a man rolling on the ground laughing, tears streaming from his eyes. The man could barely respond when they asked what was so funny. The man replied... "I was standing in this field here, minding my own business, when suddenly I let out a fart and a 7-11 blew up!"

Beyond the Mile High Club.

SANTA FE, N.M. - Virgin Galactic, a New Mexico space tourism company, said it has received several requests from couples seeking to be the first to have sex in space.
Will Whitehorn, president of the company, said the approach of Virgin's first planned space tourism flight, which is expected to take place in 2009, has led to many curious couples asking the company about sex in sub-orbital zero gravity, The Telegraph reported Thursday. "We've had a variety of people inquire about it," Whitehorn said of space sex. "One got in touch about a charter flight so they could be the first to have intercourse in space and
get in the Guinness Book of Records." Dr. James Logan, an expert in space medicine, said the zero gravity portion of the first space tourism flights will last only five minutes, leaving very little time for intercourse. He said couples would likely find sex without gravity to be more trouble than it's worth. "Sex in zero gravity would more or less be a flailing exercise quite frankly," he said. "Sex in Martian gravity might be pretty appealing though."

***
When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!. Welcome to the Army son."

***

Hmmm...Fishing or Fucking....

#19 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?

***

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it
hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

***

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.

Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, and he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. “Dear Lord,” she prays, “if I don’t get some cash, I’m gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn’t win. She prays even harder, saying, “God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

“Sweetheart, work with me on this,” he says. “Buy a ticket.”

An elderly, white haired man, walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

With that the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring and it is only $40,000', the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes were sparkling and she was trembling all over with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify that the funds are there. I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon.'

Monday morning the jeweller phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account'.

'I know', said the old man. 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

With this sort of medical breakthroughs I wonder how long our human race can survive!!!!!

An Israeli doctor says: 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says:

'That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another,
and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says:

'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says :

'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.'

this thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=558668&page=6)

this thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=558668&page=6)
What about that thread?

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.


The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.


The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.


But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Remember to Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible.

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your #@!%&~ health food craze.... I could have been here ten years ago!"

Now before reading. Keep in mine this actually took place when my uncle reported to basic training.

He was standing in line for call in his unit barracks when a segt. came along screaming and yelling at them. The segt. stopped nexted to the guy on my uncle left,and placed his baston on the guy shoulder screaming" THEIR SHIT ON THIS STICK"

The guy replied,

Not on this end sir!

Go Newifes! :D

Earl addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted.

The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped! Earl and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay unconscious with the ball between his feet.

"Good heavens" exclaimed Earl, "what shall I do?"

"Don't move him" said his partner, "if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or take a two club length drop."

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old Pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, ' One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe w hat I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me One for you, one for me...'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter
as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.


Smile, God Loves You!!!

technically not jokes, but still a fun read.



MRRRP THE MAGNIFICENT AND THE RE-INVENTION OF THE LEVER
As seen by Leslie Fish

'Twas winter in Chicago, our household was having enough trouble keeping up with the heating-bills, and the last thing we needed was yet another litter of kittens to feed. We'd had enough trouble feeding and giving away the last batch, and with four adult cats in the house we felt no need for more.

Therefore when Marflegiggle, our youngest queen, started giving the characteristic caterwaul of kitty-in-heat, we were Not Amused. We decided to lock her up in the large bathroom -- complete with bed, food, water and cat-box, until the fever passed. We figured we could make do with hand-baths for a few days for the sake of the heating-bills and the public peace.

Alas, the door to the bathroom was not soundproof. Neither did it lock completely. The door was old, with various chunks knocked out around the edges, and far too many coats of paint. It wouldn't close far enough for the lock -- or even the latch -- to engage, but at least it could be wedged shut tight enough to keep a cat in. No way in hell could it keep the sound in, and Marflegiggle wailed romantically for hours on end. We managed to get used to it.

However, the top tomcat Mrrrp (that was his name for himself; we Humans called him Tom Jefferson, since he'd been born on the 4th of July) took this for a challenge. Always willing to help a girl in need, he took to lurking at all hours by the bathroom door.

At first he was content to sing duets with Marflegiggle, long motets from the feline versions of PYRAMUS AND THISBE, or possibly ROMEO AND JULIET, that went on for longer than the entire RING OF THE NIEBELUNG cycle. But eventually he grew frustrated with Art -- not to mention consistently ignored attempts to persuade the Humans -- and determined to work directly on the offending door.

First, Mrrrp tried to claw the door open at the side. No luck; it was wedged too tightly. Then he lay down on his back, hooked his claws into the space under the door, and tried to pry it open that way. Again, no luck. Then he put his nose up to the edge of the door and examined it minutely, looking for gaps between the edges, while Marflegiggle yowled encouragement. Mrrrp found one especially good gap in the wood, stuck his claws into it and tried to pry the door open from there. Marflegiggle, inspired, threw herself repeatedly at the door, trying to jar it open. Alas, even their combined efforts didn't work.

Mrrrp sat down and studied the edge of the door while Marfie wailed long tragic arias. From the twitching of his ears and whiskers, a keen observer might have guessed he was thinking hard. He poked his claws into the gap in the door-edge, thought for a moment more, then got up and padded away. Marfie did a long solo from DIE WALKUERE while the rest of us held our ears; thus, we didn't hear Mrrrp rummaging around in the wood-box.

Presently, Our Hero came trotting back. He was carrying in his mouth a piece of kindling almost as long as he was -- a big sharp splinter of pine, thick on one end and needle-pointed on the other. As I watched, Mrrrp carefully maneuvered the sharp end of the splinter into that narrow gap between the door-edge and the door-frame. He shoved it in as far as he could with his mouth, then went to the wide end of the wood-piece and shoved it forward with his chest until it was firmly wedged into the gap.

Then, if you please, he turned side-on to the butt of the splinter, facing the door-frame, and he butted at it with his broad furry head -- until he levered the door open.

I just sat there watching, drop-jawed, while Mrrrp ran in through the open door and pounced upon his amorous lady-love. What the hell, I figured, after performing a feat of calculation and invention like that, Mrrrp had earned it.

Besides, think of the brilliant kittens he'd make.

Sure enough, the kittens came along three months later. One of them was Smokey the Dog-Slayer, who's still the senior queen of my household. And yes, she's just as intelligent as her inventive sire -- and so are all her kittens and grand--kittens and great-grand-kittens...But that's a whole string of other stories.

***
MRRRP THE MAGNIFICENT AND THE GREAT BLUEJAY MASSACRE
As recounted by Leslie Fish, who had to clean up the mess.

It had been a bad summer for the cats ever since the gang of Illinois bluejays moved into the big Catalpa tree just outside the bedroom window. These were not your cute little east-coast jays, mind you, but big mean midwestern babies with voices like politicians and personalities to match -- the sort that would wear battered derbies and smoke stinky cigars if anybody made those commodities in their size. Their gang (flock is the wrong word) was big enough to pester dogs, harass cats and seriously mob kittens. They'd been bothering my cats all summer, the kitten didn't dare poke his little black nose outdoors, and in the hot weather this was real oppression. The cats were miserable, irritable, and just plain pissed off.

My senior tomcat, Mrrrp (he'd picked the name himself; he'd say that to announce himself whenever he walked into a room full of humans), was studying the problem. On that particular hot Sunday afternoon I was sprawled out on my bed under the window, goofing off, reading some good Sci-Fi, and Mrrrp was sprawled at the side of the bed, looking out the window at that Catalpa tree full of bluejays.

He'd been studying that gang of bluejays for a good hour when he visibly got an idea. His ears went up. Then his head went up. Then he jumped off the bed and went trotting through the apartment making a weird noise that I'd never heard him use before: a sort of "whrrEEE, whrEEE" like a siren. It was obviously some kind of Troops Assembly call, because every other cat in the house woke up and came running.

Mrrrp led the troops into the bedroom, and hopped up onto the bed. The other cats obediently followed him up onto the bed. I jumped off the bed, seeing that there was suddenly no room for humans, and something feline and devious was afoot (a-paw?). I watched as Mrrrp nudged and shouldered the other cats into place with the precision of a good general aligning troops for an ambush. In a few minutes all the other cats were arranged in a line on the bed, right under the window. Finally, Mrrrp nudged and growled and shoved the kitten up onto the window-ledge where the bluejays could see him. The bluejays saw, and started to squawk. The kitten crouched down and kept glancing nervously at Commander Mrrrp, who wouldn't let him get off that exposed position. The other cats licked their chops, crouched down, and waited.

Squawk by squawk, hopping up and down, flapping their wings, (much like a street-gang nerving themselves up for a rumble) the bluejay gang worked itself up for the attack. The kitten stayed put, crouched down, looking suitably scared. Finally the bluejay-gang got their nerve up to attack-pitch, and altogether they jumped out of the tree and came zooming at the window. The kitten jumped off the ledge and down onto the bed. I jumped for the doorway, made it through, slammed the door behind me and watched through the keyhole.

Sure enough, all the bluejays came storming in through the window -- straight into a small, closed room with only one way out. And then all the cats jumped up onto the window-ledge and blocked that one way out. The jays were trapped, and trapped good.

After that, it was a massacre. While at least one cat, and usually two, held the ledge and batted joyfully at any bluejay who came close, the other cats climbed hand-over-hand up the curtains to the curtain-rod at the top of the window. From there, they'd launch themselves into the air, swatting at bluejays on the way, land on the top of the bureau across the room, leap from there to the bed -- batting at low-flying jays in the process -- and then run up the curtain again. The air was full of flying cats, panicked bluejays, and a thick blizzard of blue feathers.

I wasn't about to intrude in that mess and get shot at by both sides, thank you. I just took my book and cigarettes, made myself a drink, went off to the living room and sat down to read my book in peace and comfort until the noise stopped -- which took about an hour. I'd spent years protesting the Vietnam War, but I knew better than to try to stop this one.

Well, when all was quiet on the bedroom front, I eased the door open and poked my nose in for a quick reconnaissance -- and what an eyeful I got. I've seen human battlefields that didn't look half as messy.

There was a light dusting of bluejay feathers on every horizontal surface. Among the feathers were strewn bluejay parts of every size and description. Bluejay guts festooned the mirror. The kitten was batting a bluejay head across the floor like a soccer player practicing for the finals. The other cats were lolling about the bed, cleaning their weaponry, purring like buzzsaws, looking smug and well fed.

What a cleanup job. I got the broom and dustpan and gently shooed the furry warriors out the door (the kitten went last, carrying his trophy in his mouth, intent on further playing -- and I wasn't about to stop him). It took me several hours of sweeping, mopping, scrubbing and laundry to get the room cleaned up, and I wasn't completely successful even then; weeks later, I was still finding bluejay bits in odd corners, behind books, and under furniture.

Somewhere during the long cleanup I happened to glance out the window at the Catalpa tree. Huddled in its branches sat maybe half a dozen bluejays -- all of them missing feathers, scratched up, looking very glum and subdued -- the few survivors of the ambush. I'm afraid I showed no sympathy for the vanquished; I just laughed like hell and tossed them some suggestions on where they could go.

I guess they took my advice, because next morning the tree was empty. The bedraggled survivors had taken themselves off to a safer neighborhood somewhere else.

And that afternoon, all the cats went out and played in the yard, merry as kittens, until dinnertime. Mrrrp spent most of the time sunning himself on the porch railing, posed like the Sphinx, looking utterly pleased with himself.

And every time he looked at the empty Catalpa tree, he purred and purred and purrrrred.


***

Mrrrp vs. the Scotties...
As reported by Leslie Fish

Well, there's the one about Mrrrp and the neighbor's Scotties...

This was back when we lived in Chicago (same apartment where the Bluejay Massacre took place), and into the house next door moved a lady with a fussy collection of glassware and two thoroughly-spoiled Scots Terriers. The neighbor let the dogs out in the back yard all day, where they'd happily spend their time trying to terrorize every dog, cat, human or drifting piece of paper that passed by. What they lacked in size they made up in volume, and they proved their enthusiasm by jumping up and down alternately at the fence; when one was on the ground the other was in the air, and then they'd trade places. This grew annoying in short order.

One day while I was out, Mrrrp decided to do something about those noisy dogs. I heard about it second hand, from two different sources.

The first I heard was, on the way home from work, when I stopped at the corner grocery to pick up some canned catfood. I was approaching the check-out counter with my arms loaded when I saw a lady, whom I vaguely recognized from somewhere around the neighborhood, leaning over the counter and yattering vigorously at the storekeeper about "that horrible black tomcat" who had, she swore, attacked and beaten up her dogs, then chased them into her house, trashed the place thoroughly, then ran out before she could hit him with her broom. The storekeeper nodded sympathetically as he rang up her order of dogfood, and glanced at me with no more than a raised eyebrow. I took the hint and turned around, neatly hiding my armload of catfood, and pretended to be terribly interested in breakfast cereal until the lady paid for her order and left. The storekeeper said nothing as he rang up my order, but I noted that he snickered a lot. I headed home, wondering if "that horrible black tomcat" just might have been one of my gang.

The next piece of the puzzle I learned from our out-front neighbor (remember, we lived in a "coach house" on the alley; the main house was in front), a classic drag-queen named Gary. He was quite a decent neighbor, though I had trouble looking at him for very long without giggling, and often invited me over for a bit of gossip and a glass or two of blackberry wine. I saw him waving frantically at me from a window as I passed the house, heading for my apartment, so as soon as I'd unloaded the catfood I headed over to Gary's place. He welcomed me in, handed me a cut-crystal glass of blackberry wine and promptly gave me an earful.

"You've simply *got* to keep the cats inside for a few days," quoth he. "The next-door neighbor's just *hysterical* over your big tomcat." Remembering the scene at the grocery, I innocently asked why.

"Oh, I saw the whole thing," said Gary, with a delicate shudder. "Those nasty Scotties were out in her back yard, making a hellish racket as usual, and I saw your tomcat jump right over the fence -- cleared it as neatly as an Olympic jumping-horse, he did -- and land just *smack* on the head of the Scotty who was up in the air at the time. When they both hit the ground, the cat was on top and raking away with all four feet. The dog-fur simply *flew*, my dear! And the dog was howling in a very different key."

What, I asked, did the other dog do?

"Oh, he ran around both of them, barking ferociously, until he finally made up his mind -- or got up his courage -- to charge at the cat. *That* was his mistake, I can tell you. The tomcat *leaped* off the first dog and came down on the second, and began raking him even more, ah, forcefully than the first. You should have *seen* the fur fly -- literally fly."

Did the dogs gang up on the cat, I worried.

"They did try, I'll give them credit for that, but the attempt didn't last long. The cat simply went into Kung Fu mode, lashing out at one, then the other, then the other, then the other -- *wonderfully* balletic, and most *astoundingly* fast. Bruce Lee would have been utterly *green* with envy."

How long, I wondered, did that keep up?

"Not more than a minute, I'd say. Both dogs came to the same conclusion at the same time, broke from the clinch, and ran for the far end of the yard. I must say, dear, that your tomcat was not at *all* magnanimous in victory. He chased after them. In fact, he chased them all around the back yard at *least* three times, getting in a few good swats at their tails, and they were absolutely *shrieking* with terror. Ah, that must have been what made the lady open her back door, more's the pity."

Why a pity, I queried.

"Well, the dogs saw their chance and took it. They *streaked* for the doorway, never minding that their mistress was blocking it, and...well, I really can't say exactly how it happened, but they knocked her *right* off her feet and onto her, ah, fundament -- which is probably why she wasn't able to stop the cat."

Stop him from what, I asked.

"My dear, that doughty feline warrior of yours ran into the house after them. He soared right over the prostrate lady...uhm, no, now that I recall, he *did* land on her in mid-leap, and jumped off again. I couldn't see what happened after that, except that the lady managed to get to her feet and ran back into the house, screaming. After that, all I could make out were crashings and screechings and howlings up and down the house for the next ten minutes or so -- ah, long enough to smoke a More Menthol all the way down -- and then I saw the cat come running out the back door, down the steps and across the yard, with the lady -- looking *much* the worse for wear, I must say -- chasing after him with a broom."

Did she hit him, I demanded.

"Oh no, dear: she never had a chance, outpaced from the first. He came leaping over the fence again and ran around to the other side of your house, where I lost track of him. All I can tell you is that he was *certainly* undamaged, and looked, I swear, dear, most *awfully* pleased with himself."

That, I commented, I could well imagine.

"The lady herself wasn't anywhere *near* as graceful under pressure, I must say. Such language! And from someone who makes such effort to keep an elegant household, too. Oh, not that I've ever been inside to see, of course -- to judge from the looks she gives me when we pass on the street, she wouldn't let me across her doorstep -- but one can tell *so* much from views through the windows. If you'll look out here, you'll see that her hallway window is filled with shelves simply loaded end to end with her glassware collection... Oh dear, it isn't there anymore..."

And indeed the indicated window was quite, quite empty.

At that point a recent memory surfaced, something I hadn't thought of at the time, but which now took on new significance.

I recalled that nobody had barked at me when I came home from the grocery store.

Pondering that, I took my leave and strolled across the tiny courtyard separating Gary's house from mine. As I passed the neighbor's yard I cast a look over the fence.

The Scotties were out there, all right: huddled under the back stairs with only their noses poking out, quite still and utterly silent.

Just as an experiment, too quietly for any human inside the house to hear, I said "Meow", in my best equivalent of Mrrrp's voice.

The two noses jerked back into the shadows under the stairs.

I managed to refrain from laughing as I went into my apartment in the coach-house, but I made a point of looking for Mrrrp.

He was stretched out on the sofa, purring softly, licking one of his forepaws, looking perfectly innocent. Not a hair was out of place.

I did allow myself a chuckle as I opened a can of the catfood.

For all the rest of the time I lived there, the Scotties were blessedly silent. On the rare occasions when they ventured a cautious yip at me, I found that a mutter of "Rrrowr" was enough to make them run under the back stairs and make no further sound.

And peace and tranquility ruled in the neighborhood.

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be! right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?

LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP,
DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES
BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!

THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and....they lived happily ever after.

Isn't that a sweet story ?

Grow up. Leave such petty theological comments out of a thread obviously not intended to include them.

I have a joke, which may or may not be familiar to some:

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. **** off!


Sorry to be a buzz kill, but that was a Canadian lighthouse.

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but that was a Canadian lighthouse.

I'm pretty sure it's an urban legend that has various nationalities put in to it depending on who's telling it.

I'm pretty sure it's an urban legend that has various nationalities put in to it depending on who's telling it.

Snopes Agrees. (http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp)

Sorry to be a buzz kill, but that was a Canadian lighthouse.
Does it really matter?

I've heard it was a British/American/Russian ship and American/Canadian/British/African/French/Italian/whatever lighthouse.


but back to the jokes...

Pilot: "Have you ever flown in a small plane before?"

Passenger: "No, I have not."

Pilot: "Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears popping."

Pilot (after the plane landed): "Did the gum help?"

Passenger: "Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears."

***

Nancy, a city girl, married a farmer.

One morning, before the farmer went out to the field, he said, "Honey, the artificial insemination man is coming over this morning to impregnate one of the cows. I put a nail in a two-by-four over the stall. Please show him where it is."

When the man arrived, Nancy led him down the row of stalls until she saw the nail. She pointed to the stall and the man remarked, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's the one with the nail," said Nancy.

"What's the nail for?" inquired the man.

"Well, I guess it's there to hang your pants on."

***

A guy walks into a bookstore, not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer tackles him and pulls off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..




'I think my wife caught a glimpse....'

I ran into my ex-wife the other day.


--------

Then I backed up and ran into her again. I miss her sometimes.

A man has been drinking all night at a local bar. At closing time, He gets up from his stool, and immediately falls to the floor. "Wow, I must be thoughter than I drunk," he slurs. He gets up takes one step and falls down again. He decides to just crawl outside and see if some fresh air will help. He climbs to a standing position against a streetlamp, but as soon as he lets go, he falls on his face again. He says, "Well, I'll just crawl home, it's not far." So he does just that. He tries to steady himself on a tree in the backyard to no avail. He crawls into the house. He tries to hold on to the bannister of the staircase, but falls as soon as he lets go. He crawls into bed, waking up his wife in the process.

"Earl, you're drunk again!" she says.

"I am not," he slurs. "Why would you say that?"

She replies "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again!"

A man has been drinking all night at a local bar. At closing time, He gets up from his stool, and immediately falls to the floor. "Wow, I must be thoughter than I drunk," he slurs. He gets up takes one step and falls down again. He decides to just crawl outside and see if some fresh air will help. He climbs to a standing position against a streetlamp, but as soon as he lets go, he falls on his face again. He says, "Well, I'll just crawl home, it's not far." So he does just that. He tries to steady himself on a tree in the backyard to no avail. He crawls into the house. He tries to hold on to the bannister of the staircase, but falls as soon as he lets go. He crawls into bed, waking up his wife in the process.

"Earl, you're drunk again!" she says.

"I am not," he slurs. "Why would you say that?"

She replies "The bar called. You left your wheelchair there again!"
The original "pub crawl"?

The original "pub crawl"?

Don't laugh, I've actually done this. :D

After having been engaged for a while, Jed and Becky Sue, a couple of ridge runners from deep Appalachia, finally tied the knot at the little old church down by the river.

They got into Jed's truck and drove out to their new love nest, a tiny cabin on the ridge. They go inside and immediately start undressing, ready to consummate their marriage. Just as Jed is about to crawl into bed with her, Becky Sue says "Jed, before we do this I just want you to know... I saved myself for you. I'm a virgin!"

Horrified, Jed throws his pants back on, grabs the keys off the table and jumps into his pickup truck. He floors it all the way back to his parents' house where he fishtails to a panic stop in the driveway and rushes into the house.

"Pa! Pa! Are you home?"

Jed's Pa is out back, chopping wood. "I'm out here, son! What's the trouble? Ain't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?" Jed, out of breath, explains. "Pa... I was with Becky Sue in our new house and was just about to take her for mine, when she told me she's a virgin!"

Pa blinks in surprise. "Well what did ya do, boy?"

Jed replies, "I got in my truck and left her!"

Pa nods, satisfied. "Good move, boy. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"

In line with funny stories about overly intelligent pets:

George's War on the Squirrels.

Part 1.

So, during my younger days, while living with my parents and attending grade school, the family decided that the acquisition of a pet dog would be a good experience. As the eldest child, I got stuck with much of the walking/feeding/cleaning duties inherent with pet ownership, and came to be de facto master of our canine, a Jack Russel named George. George was oddly marked, nearly pure white with the exception of two large spots of dark brown on his head, each covering one eye and ear entirely, giving off the appearance of a white dog wearing large brown goggles.

In addition to the amazing camofloue provided to him during the snowy months (I lived near the Great Lakes of the U.S.), George was rather easy to see in the summer months, especially by the numerous squirrels inhabiting the crevices of a low, long retaining wall at the edge of the yard made of semi-flat rocks. George was restrained using a yard anchor and cord, one that did not quite reach the squirrels' fortress, allowing them to often stand just beyond his reach while he pulled valiently against his anchor.

However, this started in the early days of my dog's life, and his normal teeth had just come in. Lacking little other recourse, the dog set to the rope line, and within a week we discovered a few dead squirrels in the yard, a rather proud terrier sitting proudly over them, and a rope that had obviously been chewed through sitting on the grass.

My father, who really did hate the damn squirrels, gave George two biscuits for the effort. From then on, there could be no going back.

Especially considering what happened three weeks after. Having acquired a metal line to tether up the dog, we had noticed that the anchor was starting to come up. Given the fact that the dog had already managed to uproot a few eight-foot saplings, we got a corkscrewed anchor and a small spring attachment to absorb the shock of the dog's actions.

All was well, but then I noticed something one day and simply waited watched. The dog had managed to tie himself up by wrapping the line around the anchor. I thought I would allow George time to teach him a lesson. Unfortunately, George quickly figured out that the escape merely involved running in the opposite direction, and soon the line was freed and George was able to still approach a mere two feet from the squirrels, who stood and dared him like some sick form of teenage bonding.

To this day, I will not know whether it was extraordinarily high amounts of luck, or a basic understanding of physics, but George backed up, and began the process of running around the anchor again with slack in the line. However, while he had trapped himself going clockwise before, he now went counter-clockwise. The spring tensed itself against the anchor head, and the dog kept going, circling around until I started to see the anchor spin very slowly.

If if was luck before, George soon figured it out, since he approached the anchor and nudged it with his front paws. Realizing that the anchor was looser, the dog repeated two full circles, loosening the anchor further, until it eventually came up from out of the ground. The squirrels had no concept of this, and foolishly remained where they were while the dog set out to the back side, and was lost from sight.

Barely a minute passed when the dog came back, this time charging through the low shrubs at the top of the squirrels' fortress, and boudning down the two foot drop to hit the squirrels standing outside from behind, and cutting them off from retreat. Only two of the seven escaped. The rest made it to the garbage can, and George earned himself another biscuit. And a release from the anchor, which he had dragged with him during his ambush. After this, it was decided that a fence on one part of the yard (and at my mother's insisting, away from the squirrels) would be the dog's new containment. With a three foot trench and six foot piling holes anchored with cement, the dog would not be able to dig himself out.

Not that it came to matter much.

Part 2

Having been fenced in away from the squirrels during Spring, it was reasonably thought that George would no longer commence war on the squirrels.

However, it soon came to pass that one late Summer day, my brother and I were standing at the doorway, looking out threw the screen door at the obnoxious presence of those rodents through only a screen door. George came up, reared up on his hind legs, and pressed his front paws on the screen, feeling it give. I gave him a nudge and a command to "get down," and the dog did so. And then he trotted down the hall.

George had, by this time, grown to his full size. And he had gotten rather strong. Apparently, a full grown male Jack Russel Terrier can in fact hold themselves onto a racquetball with their jaws, leap onto the backs of Laz-E-Boys with ease, and buck it fast enough to lose sight of distinct movement. George, probably in the high end of doggy-fitness, turned and charged. My brother and I had given the dog no thought, busy staring at the squirrels and remembering the slaughter during the anchor days, when a white blur came shooting past us, through the screen, and out at the hapless vermin.

George left the bottom half of the screen torn down the middle, three squirrels immediately dead, and another two injured that did not make it through the night.

To counter the dog, we fixed the screen, and had those metal grates installed made from steel that, while still allowing air to pass through, prevented damage to the bottom third of the doorway, large enough to counter a charging Jack Russel.

Of course, like all things, I managed to provide an opportunity for the dog to circumvent us. I was moving stuff around, and plopped one of those Rubbermaid containers right in front of the door. I took the space occupied by a watchful dog, and then I turned around to grab a bag of stuff going with said container to the garage. I heard paws move, dog-tags jingle, another rip in the screen, and slowly turned to find the screen opened above the metal grate, and the dog already plowing into his first victim.

The rodent population, already low from previous encounters, must have thought that enough was enough. By the end of Summer, they were no longer seen, nor were they seen at any time during the next few years. The acquisition of George's sister a year after we got George probably didn't help the rodents out too much. The two engineered many an escape, to the point that the only real use we ever came to have for the fence was as the barrier required for any in-ground pool.

After having been engaged for a while, Jed and Becky Sue, a couple of ridge runners from deep Appalachia, finally tied the knot at the little old church down by the river.

They got into Jed's truck and drove out to their new love nest, a tiny cabin on the ridge. They go inside and immediately start undressing, ready to consummate their marriage. Just as Jed is about to crawl into bed with her, Becky Sue says "Jed, before we do this I just want you to know... I saved myself for you. I'm a virgin!"

Horrified, Jed throws his pants back on, grabs the keys off the table and jumps into his pickup truck. He floors it all the way back to his parents' house where he fishtails to a panic stop in the driveway and rushes into the house.

"Pa! Pa! Are you home?"

Jed's Pa is out back, chopping wood. "I'm out here, son! What's the trouble? Ain't you supposed to be on your honeymoon?" Jed, out of breath, explains. "Pa... I was with Becky Sue in our new house and was just about to take her for mine, when she told me she's a virgin!"

Pa blinks in surprise. "Well what did ya do, boy?"

Jed replies, "I got in my truck and left her!"

Pa nods, satisfied. "Good move, boy. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours!"
A classic for sure. :)

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were discussing their expedition.

“I came here,” said one, “because the urge to travel was in my blood. City life bored me, and the smell of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick. I wanted to see the sunrise over new horizons and hear the flutter of birds that never had been seen by man. I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came. In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw. What about you?”

“I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”

I want to hear more pet stories from those authors. They were very good, funny writers!

“I came,” the second man replied, “because my son was taking saxophone lessons.”
Reminds me of:
A scientist is travelling upriver in Papua to study some rare species. His guide becomes very nervous when drumbeats start in the jungle, but keeps paddling.
"Are we in any danger?" the scientist asks.
"No," the guide replies. "As long as the drums continue, it is all right. But if the drums stop..."
They continue upriver for a couple hours, with continual drumbeats. Then, all of a sudden, the drums stop. "AAIIIEEEE!" wails the guide, as he puts the oar down and buries his head in his hands.
"What's going to happen now?" asks the scientist.
The guide says, "Now comes... BASS SOLO!"

Some race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

"I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window,
had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doin' well ... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should never mess with the Irish.

I want to hear more pet stories from those authors. They were very good, funny writers!

We aim to please. Next Week: George examines the fence, reinvents the ramp.

This fellah walks in a pub, Looks around, Spots a few people sitting at a table, walks up to the bar and say's, Landlord I'll have a double whisky, give those people whatever they want, and a drink for yourself

The Landlord say's, thank you very much sir I'll have a whisky with you

About ten minutes passes and the fellah say's, Same again landlord, Double whisky for me whatever those people want and one for yourself

Again the landlord draws the drinks and thanks him

This happens about four times. And the landlord thinks, I'd better tell him owe much he owe's. So the landlord say's to the fellah, Your bill stands at £32.50p at the moment sir

The fellah say's, Oh! I've got no money

The landlord just flips his lid. Grabs the fellah by the scruff of his neck and the arse of his pants. Slings him through the door and boots him

A week later the fellah walks in the pub again, Looks round, walks to the bar and say's to the landlord, A double whisky for me, get whatever drinks those people over there want. I'm not getting you one because you get nasty when you've had drink.

Joke 1
Q) What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A) Wheres my tractor?

or
Joke 2
A man walked into a bar...... OUCH!

Whilst these jokes are gay and pathetic everyone iv told them too at least has a little laugh :D

Karl looks at David and says "Dude.."
"What?" David asks.
"Peanut butter." Karl replies.

New State Mottos:

Alabama: At Least we’re not Mississippi -or- Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can’t be wrong! -or- We Also Take American Money

Arizona: But it’s a Dry Heat -or- De-hydriffic!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV –or- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water –or- Call Us before You Visit, So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us about Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good -or- Potatoes and Neo Nazis... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" –or- Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States -or- Where Science Don't Mean Squat

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Surnames

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunken Cajun Wackos, but that’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: The Thinking Man's Delaware –or- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense from the Canadians

Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone –or- Where Douchebags Go To College

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent; You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States! –or- We have…um…Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, that’s it, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan –or- Please Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Sí, Se Habla Inglés Aquí

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep –or- You Cahn’t Get Theah from Heah

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Being Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Literally

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die -or- Come Cut Our Cheese!

Wyoming: Wynot? -or- Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Scared

Karl looks at David and says "Dude.."
"What?" David asks.
"Peanut butter." Karl replies.

Actually, in the original the reply is 'Anchovies', typical American revisionism.

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she
minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' ! 'So I just switched the heads.'





BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!

Thanks to all who have contributed.......I have enjoyed most of your entries.

* closes vault door.....

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother


:mad:

Most of us don't ski!

:mad:

Most of us don't ski!

OK, but the tourists do, right?

OK, but the tourists do, right?

I actually don't know. Where I live isn't really a tourist destination(most people just pass us by on the way to actual tourist destinations.)

Maryland: The Thinking Man's Delaware –or- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It


Both oh so true...

A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?"

The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job.

The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?"

"You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically.

"Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie.

When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.

On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.

The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".

Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together.

Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus."

"Well," the third woman says, "I've got a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."

It was late Saturday night and I asked my wife, "What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"

"That all depends..." she said, "your face or mine?"

***

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."

The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

***
Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed, Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers, "Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown."

Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo."

Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."

Fanny again says, "No."

Myron is now angry and says, "Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you'll never see me again."

"No." says Fanny.

So Myron gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.

Not too long after, Myron is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me."

Fanny says, "Nooo."

Myron knocks a little louder, "Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."

"No." says Fanny.

Myron starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down."

Fanny says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"


***

Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.

Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!"

Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you..."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. One thousand dollars...yes or no?"

Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?"

Sam says, "Eleven years."

It was late Saturday night and I asked my wife, "What would you say to a little 'oral' activity?"

"That all depends..." she said, "your face or mine?"


I'm being thick. What's the joke here?

A child molester is walking with a little girl in the woods. As they get deeper and it starts to get darker, the little girl starts crying that she is scared. The child molester replies, You think your scared, i have to walk back all by myself.

Why do they usually name hurricanes after women?


Because they show up wet and wild and when they leave you they take your house and your car.

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.

He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a
Bitch !!!'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

New State Mottos:

Alabama: At Least we’re not Mississippi -or- Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos can’t be wrong! -or- We Also Take American Money

Arizona: But it’s a Dry Heat -or- De-hydriffic!

Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everything

California: As Seen on TV –or- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water –or- Call Us before You Visit, So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us about Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But the Potatoes Sure Are Real Good -or- Potatoes and Neo Nazis... What More Could You Ask For?

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" –or- Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things with Corn

Kansas: First of the Rectangle States -or- Where Science Don't Mean Squat

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Surnames

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunken Cajun Wackos, but that’s Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: The Thinking Man's Delaware –or- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense from the Canadians

Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone –or- Where Douchebags Go To College

New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent; You Have the Right to an Attorney...

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One of the 50 States! –or- We have…um…Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, that’s it, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan –or- Please Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook with Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Sí, Se Habla Inglés Aquí

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep –or- You Cahn’t Get Theah from Heah

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Being Overrun by Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Literally

Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die -or- Come Cut Our Cheese!

Wyoming: Wynot? -or- Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are Scared

Pennsylvania The roads are paved in potholes!

How do you make Budweiser?

Send him to school. like..(Bud-wiser)

New State Mottos:

snip...

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

snip...



Oregon: We don't tan. We rust

Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it’s not." Four is larger than two.."



We haven’t used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That’s why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: she was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it’s open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

Pennsylvania The roads are paved in potholes!

The Pennsylvania Turnpike is a good example of capitalism not working.

This is an old joke, but I haven't seen it here yet:

There once was a couple who had a toddler who still couldn't talk. At first, the couple thought he was a late bloomer, but as the years went on they began to fear something was wrong. By the time he turned six, the boy's parents had come to terms with the fact that their son, for whatever reason, was mute.
Then one day, when the boy was almost eight, he was eating breakfast with his parents when he said, in a perfectly normal voice, "This toast is burnt." His parents stared. "Why is this the first time you've ever spoken?" his mother whispered, almost crying. The little boy looked back incredulously. "Until now, everything's been all right," he replied.

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota . There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.

At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night after John McCain. returns with 50 fish, Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John McCain. cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

I got a good one.

So a wife is about to give birth and is taken to the hospitol. When she gets there thedoctor says that they have a new procedure that transfers some of thepain ofbirth to the husband. The husband agrees with the procedure and they get set up. The doctor says,"This might be the most painfull thing you've ever experianced, setting to 25%." The husband said,"I feel nothing." They turned it up to 50%, andhe still felt nothing. 75% he was still fine. So they turned it to 100% and it was apainless delivery. The Doctor said,"This is amazing, we've developed a painless delivery procedure." So the husband and wife go home with their baby, only to find the mailman dead on their doorstep.

The couple were getting intimate when the woman suddenly hears the door downstairs open. Frightened, she pushes the guy off her as she hisses, "My husband's coming home! You've got to leave!"

The guy, well versed in this sort of activity, wastes no time and immediately jumps out the window and starts running away, blending in with a marathon race that conveniently passes the house just then.

As he's running along, one of the marathon runners gets the attention of the guy and asks, "Err, it's probably none of my business, but you do know that you're only wearing a condom, right?"

Without missing a beat, the guy immediately answers, "The weather forecast said there might be rain today."

Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog licking itself. One guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that." The other one replies, "Maybe you should try petting it first?"

Not sure if anyone posted this yet...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. He gives the pirate the drink, and the two begin to talk. Throughout the whole conversation, he can't stop looking at the driving wheel. Finally, the bartender can't take it anymore, and asks the pirate, "Why do you have a steering wheel down your pants?!" The pirate says, "Argh, it's driving me nuts!"

Sorry if this has been done:

A chicken and an egg are in bed together. The chicken lights up a cigarette, rolls over and says to the egg: "well, I guess we've found the answer to that question."

I caught the headline on the Sun after the fall of Kabul. People had wobbled about this war and the newspaper headline read "Where would we be now if we'd wobbled in 1939: speaking German".

I don't know. England, sixty years? I think we'd still be struggling.Got that off teh BBC. Radio program called 4 at the Store.

This is dirty, or rather, literally sh!##y. Don't say that I didn't warn you afterwords.

Your choice. Here goes...

So a bear and a rabbit are side by side in the woods, both busy relieving their bowels. As the rabbit finishes, he prepares to hop off, but the bear stops him with a paw.

"I notice that you simply dump and leave," says the bear. "I gotta ask, does sh!t stick to your fur?"

"No," says the rabbit. The bear nods, finishes, and then uses the rabbit to wipe.

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs,
they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all
of Europe?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other d warfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my
son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......




'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'


'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

"Mommy, mommy, why is the bride all dressed in white?"

"Because this is the happiest day of her life!"

"Mommy, mommy, why is the groom all dressed in black?"

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discover that she had been all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand" and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playng on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep and missed most of the excitement. Remember

these guidelines for future reference!

I just finished reading this entire thread. Took forever, but very rewarding :p

One night, while on foot patrol, a Police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the Officer looking down at him.

He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"

The Officer says,"Yeah, I did."

The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"

"Nope." Comes the reply.

"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"

A slightly disgusting one now:

In the Victorian era, three soldiers were in a military hospital. The Colonel comes to see them. He goes up to the first one and asks:"Why are you here?", the soldier replies "Dysentry, Sir" "What's the treatment?" "Wire brush, Sir, to the affected place, Sir, three times a day, Sir" "And what is your ambition?" "To get well, Sir, to serve the Queen and country, Sir".

He goes up to the second one and asks:"Why are you here?", the soldier replies "Syphillis, Sir" "What's the treatment?" "Wire brush, Sir, to the affected place, Sir, three times a day, Sir" "And what is your ambition?" "To get well, Sir, to serve the Queen and country, Sir"

Finally, he goes to the third solider and asks:"Why are you here?", the soldier replies "Sore throat, Sir" "What's the treatment?" "Wire brush, Sir, to the affected place, Sir, three times a day, Sir" "And what is your ambition?" "To be first with the wire brush, Sir"

A couple is sitting on the couch watching TV, when the husband turns to his wife and says, "honey? Tell me something that will make me incredibly happy, and, incredibly sad, at the same time." So his wife thinks about it for a few seconds and replies, "Well, you have the biggest dick, out of all your friends.":eek: :)