NationStates Jolt Archive

I started this thread to encourage people to share their classic jokes. I will start it off with one of my favourites:

Question and Answer

George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids, to get a little boost in his PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why do we have to pay for every other country's problems when we can't afford to give our own people health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W.Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why do we have to pay for every other country's problems when we
can't afford to give our own people health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"


Okay now.....keep them coming. :)

okay, the bible is a reliable source of information.

Fetch LG!

okay, the bible is a reliable source of information.

Grow up. Leave such petty theological comments out of a thread obviously not intended to include them.

I have a joke, which may or may not be familiar to some:

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. **** off!

Grow up. Leave such petty theological comments out of a thread obviously not intended to include them.

It was a joke in a joke thread, simple as.
Ah yes i recall that joke, that's a good one.

THREE NOTES GO INTO A BAR

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

What's the difference between Fearne Cotton and Fern Britton?

About 15 stone

A man goes into a restaurant and sits down, ordering a bowl of soup for an appetizer while he contemplates what to get for his main meal.

The waiter brings out the soup, places it in front of the man, and heads back to the kitchen when he's suddenly called back by the customer.

"Waiter," says the customer, "will you please taste my soup?"

"Taste your soup?" replies the waiter, "Why, is there something wrong with it?"

"No, no, I'd just like you to taste the soup."

"Is it too hot? I could have it cooled for you."

"Please, just taste the soup."

"I could heat it up if it's too cold."

"Waiter, please, just taste my soup."

"Does it taste funny?"

"Will you just taste the freaking soup?"

"Okay, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?"

"Ah Ha!"

Two men walk into a bar and the third one ducks.

Subject: never lie to mom

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her
more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if
Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.

Love, Mom

THREE NOTES GO INTO A BAR


>_< Oww... that was painful. Clever, but painful.

A man goes into a restaurant and sits down, ordering a bowl of soup for an appetizer while he contemplates what to get for his main meal.
...

"Ah Ha!"

Just let your SOUUUL glow!

Er... anyway.

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.

“I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?”

Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.”

“Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”

Bush nods: “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”

Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?”

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

“Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.”

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you dumb shit, it’s Tony Blair!”

What's Irish and stays out all night?


** Paddy O'Furniture! **

Musical notes & Bush answering kids' questions = excellent.

------------------------------------

Plagiarising a Jimmy Carr joke:



One night when I was spending some quality time with my girlfriend, she turns round to me and says:

"Jimmy, we're at a crossroads in our relationship. Down one road is hard work, commitment, but ultimately, happiness. And the other road, well, down the other road is a dead end."

And I said to her:

"That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction."

Man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says:

"I'll have two beers - one for me and one for the road."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Swede are conversing about their love lives.

The Frenchman says "Last night I made love to my wife five times. And in the morning she said to me: 'I will never leave you for another man'."

The Swedish man says "Pah! That is nothing, last night I made love to my wife ten times, and in the morning she said to me 'You are the love of my life and I will never ever leave you for anyone'."

The Englishman says "I made love to my wife once last night."

The Frenchman and Swede burst into dirivise laughter of their companion.

"Only once? What did she say to you in the morning?"

"Don't stop."

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Swede are conversing about their love lives.

The Frenchman says "Last night I made love to my wife five times. And in the morning she said to me: 'I will never leave you for another man'."

The Swedish man says "Pah! That is nothing, last night I made love to my wife ten times, and in the morning she said to me 'You are the love of my life and I will never ever leave you for anyone'."

The Englishman says "I made love to my wife once last night."

The Frenchman and Swede burst into dirivise laughter of their companion.

"Only once? What did she say to you in the morning?"

"Don't stop."

roflmao
http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff315/Sarothai/Smileys/Terrific.gif

roflmao
http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff315/Sarothai/Smileys/Terrific.gif

Thankyou!



Okay, not quite jokes but humorous things people actually said in court, verbatim. Some of these are excellent.



Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.



Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.



Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.



Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.



Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?



Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?



Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, never the less?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.




--from a book called 'Disorder in the Court'--

How many Viet Kons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


You don't know man, you weren't there.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?


Nacho cheese!



bit lame I know, lol.

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
- "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz."
A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

A lawyer, a priest, and a hippie walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "What is this, a joke?"

Two Italians are talking avidly at the back of a crowded bus.

"Hokay," begins one, "Emma come first, then I come, then two asses come, then I come again, the two asses, they come again, then I come again, pee twice, and then I come again at the end."

An old lady sitting in front of him turns round and exclaims indignantly "Excuse me! In our country we don't talk about our sex lives so loudly and in such a vulgar way!"

"Hey, calm-a down," the first Italian replies, "I'm-a just telling my friend how to spell 'Mississippi'."

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.
- Did you dance much?
- I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Dyakovo<snip men Vs women>

ouch, that's gotta hurt.:p

ouch, that's gotta hurt.:p

:D


A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!

Ya, Sven had yust gotten off da boot in New York and was riding to his new apartment with his cousin Ole, ya, and he notices Ole doesn't stop at the red lights, ya know? so after the second red light Ole drives through, Sven asks, "I thought the red lights meant you had to stop, ya?" But Ole replies, "My brother Lars taught me how to drive, and he never stopped at any red lights!"

They keep on driving, and Ole keeps running the red lights, ya know. Again, Sven asks about the red lights, but Ole reassures him that Lars ignores the signals all the time and there's nothing to worry about.

After running yet another red light, Sven is getting quite nervous, and starts to ask again, when Ole suddenly slams on the brakes. Up ahead is a green light. "Uffda! You stopped quick! But I'm sure green means go!" says Sven, but Ole turns to him and says, "What if Lars is out driving today?

A new bar has opened in town at the top floor of a skyscraper. It boasts the most wonderful views of the cityscape from the balcony.

One evening, as a heavy fog rolls in, two patrons are enjoying their lagers as they look out over the edge.

"Thick fog."

"Yup."

"I can barely see a thing below us."

"Mmm."

"You know, I reckon this fog is so thick, that if I were to jump off this skyscraper, I'd fall to the ground and bounce right back up."

"Oh, bullshit!" says the second patron. "You wouldn't!"

"Alright!" says the first, and sure enough jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.

"That's amazing!" utters the gobsmacked second patron, "Do it again!"

And sure enough the first man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and bounces right back up, landing on his feet.

"Do you think it'll work for me?" asks the second man.

"Of course!" says the first.

So the second man jumps off the edge, falls to the ground and splatters into a thick paste on the pavement.


A third man walks out on to the balcony and says to the first:

"You know, you can be a real bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

<snip good joke>

ROLFMAO, good one.:p

Deep beyond the azure sea, and far into the craggy shores there lies a hidden cave. And in this cave there is a magical mirror. If you were to stand in front of this mirror and speak something which is true, you get granted one wish, and if you stand in front of it and tell a lie, then *poof!* you vanish off the face the off the earth.


So after much trekking, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead reach the magical mirror.


The brunette stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world" and *poof!* she vanishes.


The redhead stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world" and *poof!* she vanishes.


The blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think-" *poof!* she vanishes.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.

"You know, you can be a real bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

LOL


========
A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him. The husband:
- Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard... it almost hurts!
========
While making love, he says:
- Darling, let's do 68!
- 68??? What's that?
- You do it to me and I'll owe you one.
========
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.
As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says:
- Gorgonzola!
- Wait, it is not on yet.
========
Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.
========
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.
========
One woman stops a taxi.
- To the airport, please.
After ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman in the mirror, says:
- You are third pregnant woman that I have driven to the airport today.
- Are you kidding me, I am not pregnant.
- Well, you haven’t arrived to the airport yet neither.
========
One man calls emergency:
- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!
After five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It is OK, I found another one.
========
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
========

Two blondes are walking down the street and find a mirror on the ground.

The first blonde picks it up and says:

"I know this person!"

The second takes the mirror and says:

"Of course you do, that's me!"

Paddy is stumbling home one night after much merriment and ale at the local pub.

All of a sudden he hears a tiny voice by the roadside.

*help me!* *help me!*

Feeling full of goodwill to all of mankind, he ambles over and finds the small voice to be emanating from underneath a fallen log.

After much heaving, he pulls the log up, and a tiny green man jumps up from the uncovered ground.

He reveals himself to a magical leprechaun, and in return for Paddy freeing him, he agrees to grant him three wishes.

"Well, for my first wish," slurs Paddy "I wish I had another pint of ale.

And *pop!* into his hand appears a pint of ale.

As Paddy sips it, the leprechaun asks Paddy for his second wish.

"I wish this pint would never go empty."

And sure enough, it refills magically in his hand, and as soon as he drains it it refills again.

"And your third wish?" prompts the leprechaun.

"Shure," says Paddy, "I'll be having another one o' these."

Deep beyond the azure sea, and far into the craggy shores there lies a hidden cave. And in this cave there is a magical mirror. If you were to stand in front of this mirror and speak something which is true, you get granted one wish, and if you stand in front of it and tell a lie, then *poof!* you vanish off the face the off the earth.


So after much trekking, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead reach the magical mirror.


The brunette stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world" and *poof!* she vanishes.


The redhead stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think I'm the smartest girl in the world" and *poof!* she vanishes.


The blonde stands in front of the mirror and says:

"I think-" *poof!* she vanishes.

lmao

Two blondes are walking along the street and one says: "Oh look, a dead bird!"

The other looks up and says "Where?"

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to screw in the mother - I mean - lightbulb!

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Paul, a senior official in his company, walked into a London bank and asked to see the loan’s manager.

He said he was going to America on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £10,000 [$19,000USD]. The loan manager said that the bank would need some collateral for such a loan.

Paul immediately handed over the keys of a Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as security for the loan.

An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the Paul returned, repaid the £10,000 and the interest, which amounted to some £9.41 [$18USD].

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow £10,000?"

With a broad grin Paul responded, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for less than £10?"

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

good one.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Accountant," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!"

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

One of my favourite one-liners.

Excellent Woody Allen quote:

"I just speed-read 'War and Peace'. It's about some Russians."


Great man.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Accountant," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise of which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it's now become my fault!"


oohh, there's a sting at the end of that one.

Two blonde girls were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!”

“Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blondes get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

Michael and Peter went on a fishing trip. They hired all the equipment: the reels, the rods, bait, wading boots, rowing boat, the car and even a log cabin in the woods. No expense was spared for their yearly expedition.

On the first day they went fishing they didn't catch a thing. The same thing happened on the second day, and on the third day. It continued like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Michael caught a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. Peter turns to his friend, Michael, and says, "Do you realise that this one pathetic fish we have caught cost us £900?"

"Crikey!" Michael replied. "It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

There are three clear signs of old age: The first is hair loss, the second is mild amnesia, I forget the third.

An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, "Have you caught anything yet?"

The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, "Aye, you be the ninth today."

Arnold and his wife Florrie were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand the combo was playing a catchy sounding tune, and Florrie said, "I wonder what the name of that tune is."

Arnold noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, "It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I'll go down and see."

A while later Arnold returned and said to Florrie, "It's one I don't know, it's the refrain from a piece called 'Spitting'."

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, "Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?"

"Well," replied the jay walker, "I hope it's having better luck than me."

Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, "Not a problem, leave it all to me."

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!"

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'm, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After setting up their tent, they climb inside and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to screw in the mother - I mean - lightbulb!

A: Two, one to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis... I mean ladder.

Three retirees, are playing a good game of golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

The third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five. One to screw the light bulb into the socket, one to fantasize that she actually was the socket, one to fantasize that she actually was the light bulb, one to scream, "I can do it without a man's help!", and one to shriek, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

and

"More than two decades later, it is hard to imagine the Revolutionary War coming out any other way." --George W. Bush, Martinsburg, W. Va., July 4, 2007

Ya, vun day Ole, Sven, and Lard all go fishing, ya know? Dey're all out in da middle of da lake in dere boot und not catching anyting. After an hour, Lars feels something at the end of his line! He reels it in, and da tree fishermen see dat Lars has caught an anteek lamp! Lars' wife likes da old bricabrac for decoration, so Lars starts to wipe da mud off to see what sort of lamp it is. Suddenly, a genie pops out of da bottle and offers to grant the group one wish! None of the three can agree on what they should all wish for, until Lars realizes he's thirsty from all the arguing. He asks, "Hey! can you turn da lake into beer?" "Granted!" says the genie, and he vanishes in a puff of smoke. Da tree look at each other and at da same time day all scoop some water from da lake and taste it. Sure enough, it's da best beet dey've ever had! Dey drink and drink 'til dey're no thirsty anymore. After a few minutes, Ole gets a strange look on his face and yells, "Lars! You dumbshit! Now we gotta pee in da boat!"

A man is walking across a desert when he stumbles across an old battered lamp. He picks the lamp up, and rubs it. Immediately a genie appears, and says "Okay, you can have a wish. Due to recent cutbacks, and despite popular myth, you don't get three wishes, we don't have enough money to grant that. So choose carefully---what do you want?"

The man thinks for a while, before answering, "I want a road network that would lead from anywhere in the world to Hawaii. All I would need to do is hop on a car and I could drive straight to paradise."

The genie is incredulous, saying "Do you realise how much money that would take, how much effort for all the bridges, how much weather it would have to withstand? Pick again."

The man then thinks for a bit more, and says "In that case, I'd like to be able to understand the mind of a woman."

The genie considers this for a moment, before asking. "That road network of yours---four lanes or six?"

A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Miss Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

Principal: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Harry: "George Washington."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Miss Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, said, "Legs."

Miss Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry: "Pockets."

Miss Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Miss Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Miss Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Miss Brooks: "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Miss Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F', ends with a 'K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

A man is walking across a desert when he stumbles across an old battered lamp. He picks the lamp up, and rubs it. Immediately a genie appears, and says "Okay, you can have a wish. Due to recent cutbacks, and despite popular myth, you don't get three wishes, we don't have enough money to grant that. So choose carefully---what do you want?"

The man thinks for a while, before answering, "I want a road network that would lead from anywhere in the world to Hawaii. All I would need to do is hop on a car and I could drive straight to paradise."

The genie is incredulous, saying "Do you realise how much money that would take, how much effort for all the bridges, how much weather it would have to withstand? Pick again."

The man then thinks for a bit more, and says "In that case, I'd like to be able to understand the mind of a woman."

The genie considers this for a moment, before asking. "That road network of yours---four lanes or six?"

Ha ha ha! A good one!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the Doctor's' office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

“Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams. Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?”

"Well, no" she says, "I was born a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

A first-grade teacher, Miss Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Miss Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Miss Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

Principal: "Who was the first President of the United States?"
Harry: "George Washington."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Miss Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Miss Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Miss Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, said, "Legs."

Miss Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question.
Harry: "Pockets."

Miss Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."

Miss Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Miss Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Miss Brooks: "What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Miss Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F', ends with a 'K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the 5th grade. I got the last seven questions wrong."

He he he he he! Brilliant!

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

"Doctor! Whenever I drink tea, I get a stabbing pain in my eye!"

"Maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup before you drink."

Just let your SOUUUL glow!


Halftime's the best part of the game.

And to hop on the bandwagon of Bush jokes that we've all heard three thousand times (Mainly around the election a few years ago):

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up : fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask
him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Republican National Committee to
re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

An avowed atheist loved nature, and went hiking one day. As he looked around, he saw how beautiful things were, and exclaimed, "What beauty there is here on earth, and I know that God did not create it."

Later there was a brief shower, and a rainbow appeared, to which the avowed atheist cried out, "What a beautiful rainbow that I know no God made!"

The atheist hiked further. Suddenly a ten foot black bear appeared, and the atheist started running for his life. He suddenly found himself trapped by the huge black bear.

In sheer panic, he prayed desperately to God to help him.

God FROZE the bear just before the bear was about to start eating the avowed atheist. At the same time God appeared to him.

The avowed atheist, seeing how the situation had changed, said to God: "I know I have thought all my life that you do not exist and taught others that. For me now to acknowledge your existence would be hypocrisy on my part. I ask you, however, in the interest of mercy, to make this bear a CHRISTIAN bear."

God responded: "Your request is granted." At that God disappeared and the bear was unfrozen.

The bear promptly kneeled down and prayed: "Thank you, O Lord, for the meal that is before me."

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up : fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask
him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Republican National Committee to
re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

AAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!


That's brilliant! I'm gonna remember that one!

Following suit...

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl.

"Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.

"Well, what are you then?" asks the teacher.

"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks.

"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too."


"Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?"

Mary smiled, "Then we'd be Republicans."

And the final two for today are somewhat off-color:

1) A man ran into his doctor’s office in a state of desperation.

“Doc, doc, you gotta help me!” he exclaimed. “My dick fell off! You gotta re-attach it!”

The doctor said, “Did you bring it with you?” The man said that he did. “OK, show it to me,” the doctor told him.

The man reached into his pocket, pulled it out and gave it to the doctor. The doctor looked it over and then said, “This is a cigar.”

At which point the man said, “Damn, I smoked my dick!”

2) The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one- hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, it was too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row!” she said in amazement. “Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

Colin Powell, Dick Cheney and George W. Bush go into a bar. Colin Powell orders first. "I'll have a B and C."
The bartender asks, "What is a B and C?"
"Bourbon and Coke," Powell says.
Cheney orders. "And, I'll have a G and T."
The bartender asks, "What's a G and T?"
"Gin and tonic," Cheney replies.
Bush wants to be cute, too. He says, "I'll have a 15."
"OK," the bartender asks, "What's a 15?"
Dubya says, "A 7 and 7."

Ponderings:


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my ass to jail, cause there's NO WAY I’ll pass that test."

This is the supposedly true story of George Phillips of Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”

Actual Bushisms:

"My pan plays an important part in our national debt"

"Our enemies and intelligent and resourceful, and so are we. They keep on thinking up new ways to harm our people, and so do we."

Actual Bushisms:

"My pan plays an important part in our national debt"

"Our enemies and intelligent and resourceful, and so are we. They keep on thinking up new ways to harm our people, and so do we."

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

The police officer pulls up close to a bar late one Saturday evening and waits to see if he can bag any drunks on the way out. Five or Ten minutes before the bar closes a single man stagers out and wanders around the parking lot. checking out all the cars in the lot, and trying to get into three, he finally finds his own car.

The drunk man gets in, sits down and flicks on his windshield wipers, he turns them off after a moment and then turns on his four ways. It takes him a few seconds to turn them off again, and then the car starts. THe drunk man pulls out of his parking spot and then back in... about this time the other patrons are leaving. The drunk waits patiiently for the other customers to leave. He realizes he is drunk! Jackpot!

Finally, after everyone is left the drunk slowly pulls out of the parking lot and onto the road. The officer doesn't waste a single moment pulling him over. "Have you been drinking sir?"
"No offcifer I aint had nothing to dink!" the man replies indignantly.

THe Officer pulls out his breathalyser and asks the man to breath into it, amazingly the test comes up negative! How could it be? THe drunk just smiles, "Sorry officer, looks like you don't get much luck tonight" the suddenly sober man says, "I was the designated decoy!"

little boy asks his father what the difference between potentially and realistically was. HIs father didn't feel like explaning so instead he came up with a little experiment.

"How about you ask your mom, your sister, and your brother if they would have sex with Brad Pit for 1 million dollars? The from what they tell you you can draw your own conclusions on the difference."

The little boy, being of the inquisitive type liked the idea and immediatly set off to begin.

"Mommy? Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million bucks?"

"Why yes I would!" said his mom without pause, "With a million dollars we can put all you kids through college and pay off the mortgage."

The little boy then goes off to find his older sister, "WOud you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Oh my god! Brad Pitt? Where? He's sooo dreamy..."

Finally the little boy locates his brother and asks, "Would you have sex with rad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Hell yes!" said his brother, "Do you know what kind of cool stuff I can get with a million dollars?"

After spending several hours considering the answers he finally goes back to his dad. "Have you learned the difference between realistically and potentially?"

"Yes I have. Potentially we can get $3 million dollars, realistically we live with two whores and a homosexual."

An Engineer, a Doctor, and a Politician are all discussing which of thier proffessions came first.

"Well, according to the bible." says the Dr. "God created life first, so that makes him a doctor first."

The Engineer disagrees, "But if you will use that argument, he created order out of the chaos that was the void."

The Politician just smiled, knowing he had already won, "And where do you think the chaos came from?"

How many community college students does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes ten of them to scrape up enough money to buy the lightbulb.


How many MIT students does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't teach you how to change light bulbs at MIT...


How many Ivy League graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
They merely hold up the bulb and let the rest of the world revolve around them.


How many Southern California Students does it take to change a light bulb?
Amazingly only one... however it takes two more to check the light bulb changing stats for the year, 250 to sing the fight song, and at least 25,000 spectators.

List of 10 famous Canadans
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9.
10.

Canadia and Canadans are mostly known for living in igloos in the north, being close to America, being gay, having police dressed in brightly colored uniforms to make them look gay, "Newfies", trailer park meth labs (see "Newfies"), hating freedom, using the metric system, being gay, saying "hoser" and "eh?", eating Canadian bacon and drinking maple syrup, being gay, frolicking with the beavers, geese, and moose, having sex with said animals, being gay, being America's hat, hockey, Celine Dion, milk in bags, harvesting beavers for gay clothing, being gay, having lots of basement dwellers, being the last survivng red menace that could pose a threat to liberty and act as a haven to draft dodgers, being gay, Space Moose, backward thinking and irrational fears, sodemy, and Dudley Do-Right.

Canadians are also known for their inability to tolerate temperatures above -47C and will begin to melt if the temperature of their immediate environment ever climbs above that mark.

One of my personal favorite quotes:

"Beer is proof that god wants us to be happy."

~Ben Franklin~

-----------------------
A skeleton walks into a bar with a mop and a bucket and says "I want a beer."
-----------------------


So Bush was visiting his doctor's office the other day. "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my brain."

"Ok, I'll take a look at it." The doctor examines Bush's brain and comes back later on. "Ok... We got the problem. It would appear you half two halves of your brain, a right side and a left side...."

"Well, don't people have two parts to their brain?" Bush asks.

"Yes. However, it would appear that on your left side of the brain there's nothing right and on your right side there's nothing left."
-----------------------


10 Reasons why I procrastinate:

1) ....


------------------------


Q. How do we know Jesus was not a Unitarian?
A. Because if he was, there would have been 24 co-disciples.

------------------------

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Who do you say that I am?" And behold, a Unitarian among them answered and said, "You are the kerygma behind all myths. You are the incarnate Logos. You are of one substance and coeternal with the Father, or the Mother, as the case may be. You are the eruption of eternity into the space-time continuum." And Jesus looked at the Unitarian and said, "What the heck is that?!"

---------------------------

What do Unitarians have in common with Pontius Pilate?

They ask, "What is truth?" and then don't stay around for an answer.
---------------------------

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the Garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and; to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."


The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The Little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


------------------------------------------------

Q: Where do one legged girls work?
A: iHop

------------------------

Three men were wondering through the woods one day when they came across a deep hole. Curious to see how deep the hole went, one of them drops a stone into the hole. There's no sound. Figuring that they'd get a louder sound as it hit the bottom, the three of them found a giant log and tossed it into the hole, and there is still no sound. Nearby was an old railroad track, so they picked up one of the railroad ties and threw that into the hole. And there was STILL no sound. Moments later, a goat came charging through and it fell into the hole, again, making no sound. Giving up with their curiosity, the three men continue down through the woods when a farmer appeared.

"Hey, have you guys seen a goat near here?"

"Yea, there was this goat that ran into a hole a few yards back."

"No, that's not my goat. My goat was tied to a rail road tie."

------------------

And that's all I got for now.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

"In English", he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

NICE.
I'mma remember that one.
XD

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"


====

I have heard a smaller version of that joke years before and when I googled for it...I found it grown.:p

~snip~
I have heard a smaller version of that joke years before and when I googled for it...I found it grown.:p

That really was amazing, loved it.

Two friends are out hunting in the woods when one of them trips over a tree root and smacks his head on a large rock. The second hunter tries unsuccessfully to rouse him, and then frantically dials 911 on his cell phone.

"Please help me!" he said to the dispatcher "My friend fell and hit his head and now he's not movingI I think he's dead!"

"Calm down," said the dispatcher "first, check to make sure he's actually dead."

"OK" said the hunter. A few seconds later there was a gunshot. The hunter got back on the phone and said "OK, now what?"

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Halftime's the best part of the game.

And to hop on the bandwagon of Bush jokes that we've all heard three thousand times (Mainly around the election a few years ago):

Little David was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up : fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor,
lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy
and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask
him "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Republican National Committee to
re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."


I've heard that one but switch the end with His dad plays for the Green Bya packers.

Is This Really Life In The Country?

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if he'd really made the right move.

That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.

The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, "You better let me warn you about something. At this party, there's probably going to be some drinking."

The man said, " well that's all right, I like to do some drinking."

The neighbor said," and there's probably going to be some fighting."

The man said, " that's OK too, and I like to do a little fighting."

Then the neighbor said, " and after the drinking and fighting, there's probably going to be some wild sex."

The man said, "nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there?" The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, "hey I'll bring the beer. How much do we need?"

The neighbor yelled back, " Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. It'll just be the two of us."

Warning: extremely offensive joke

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

1,004: 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and a thousand in the ash tray

*awaits tomatoes*

Warning: extremely offensive joke

How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

1,004: 2 in the front, 2 in the back, and a thousand in the ash tray

*awaits tomatoes*

Depends on how hot you stoke the oven....

And the difference between a Jew and a Pizza is that the Jew screams when you put them in an oven.

And don't forget this classic:
Man A: I was esearching my family tree and found out that I had a family member die in the holocaust.
Man B: Really? Wow, when?"
Man A: Well I guess he fell out of a guard tower...

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After setting up their tent, they climb inside and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Definitely a classic!! Kudos for posting it!! :)

Depends on how hot you stoke the oven....

And the difference between a Jew and a Pizza is that the Jew screams when you put them in an oven.

And don't forget this classic:
Man A: I was esearching my family tree and found out that I had a family member die in the holocaust.
Man B: Really? Wow, when?"
Man A: Well I guess he fell out of a guard tower...

Two Jewish children are sitting on top of a roof near a chimney. A passer-by asks, 'What are you doing there?'

'We are waiting for our parents.'

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

A nd your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

Sherlock Holmes and his faithful companion Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After setting up their tent, they climb inside and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

I heard this one with the Lone Ranger and Tonto.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels."

! The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He
did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off
my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.

"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy
your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

An aged couple were celebrating their 80th wedding anniversary, and reporters came to the party to interview them. The husband told the reporter, "And in 80 years, we've never had an argument."
"That's amazing! How did you manage that?"
"Well, it was like this. At our wedding we had a horse and carriage to take us to the reception. The horse started jumping and kicking, and Effie stuck her finger right at its eye and said, 'That's one!'
"The horse reared up and bit her. She said, 'That's two!', pulled a Derringer out of her purse and shot the horse.
"I said, 'Effie, I don't think you oughta done that.'
"She stuck her finger right at my eye and said, 'That's one!'"

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


The author of this clearly does not know how to put enough bass in his voice.

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

A farmer, out checking his farm all night, is returning home in the early dawn when he sees the local vicar in the distance, crouched over in a field. As he gets closer he sees to his amazement that the vicar is waving his finger over a rabbit hole, a rabbit pops up and the vicar grabs it, quickly snaps its neck and puts in a bag.

"Why vicar", cries the farmer, "what on earth are you doing?"

The vicar whips around in surprise and says,

"Oh please don't tell anyone, I'm sorry for trespassing and I know this looks odd but if you don't tell anyone, I'll let you know my secret for catching rabbits".

"Absolutely", says the farmer, "I fancy rabbit for dinner".

"Well, and Lord forgive me for this but you need to go to your wife and stick your finger in her...her private parts, the smell drives rabbits wild you see, they come leaping out and you can easily catch them, it's that simple".

The farmer runs back to the farm to find his wife seemingly in deep sleep in bed. Not wishing to wake her and have to go through the lengthy explanations, he simply lifts her nightdress and sticks his finger in...

"Christ vicar", she murmurs, "how many rabbits do you need to catch today?"

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh, Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about fourty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.

This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple passes he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about fourty minutes.

How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

LMAO!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

...

...

...

LMAO!

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

...

...

...

I knew it! Those bastard Nazis! Squirreling away Treblinka in genetically modified apple trees that produce organic death camps in juicy red packaging! Truly it is the fruit of evil!

I'll never look at an apple the same way again.

A ship burns and sinks in the high seas...

Only three guys save themselves, jumping into a plank. Two days after, they are thristy to death, half starved, and looks like there are sharks nearby.

A luxury yatch passes nearby, and they signal it. After the vessel approaches, they realize it is a yatch filled with a family of psycho women with guns on their hands.

A dozen of girls point their weapons at them, and tell them that they will be saved and allowed on board if they let them cut their virile members beforehand.

The first man, realizing he prefers to lose his penis than his life, grabs a rope and hops on board. The yatch captain, a statuesque tall and attractive woman, just ask him what his work was before leaving for the sea.

The man just answers "I was the ship's carpenter man".

The captain sends two big girls to grab him and send another to look for a saw. "well, too bad, you are going to lose your penis according to your tool". After that, the man is dragged screaming to a table where a girl saws off his penis.

Back in the plank, the second man goes pale, while the third just remains silent. Two hours later, the second decides to grabs the rope and go onboard, just saying to the Captain of the ship, "Well, I was the security officer. Take your shot". Seconds afterwards, the man is dragged and a woman blows off his member using a rifle.

The third man, after watching and hearing everything, just hops fast on board, and start laughing at the Captain. The fierce woman places her gun against his forehead and asks him what he finds so funny.

The man, barely able to catch his breath, just answers "Well, I was a lollipop merchant, so you can start licking and sucking until it falls off!"

___________________________________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are awaken from their camp in the middle of the night to see 100 indians circling their tent, wildly firing their guns and yelling.

"Tonto!, we are doomed, we are surrounded by indians!", screams the Ranger.

"To be quite honest, Ranger, you are doomed. Look at my face, it is you the one who is surrounded by indians"

_____________________________________________________________________________

The Gates of Heaven.

A teacher approaches the mighty portal when a deep, resounding voice like ten thousand thunders combined stops him asking "Who is it?".

The teacher, humbled, starts answering "It is I..."

The voice quickly interrumpts him. "I see, another grammar teacher..."
_____________________________________________________________________________

A sadist rapist, paying his debt to society in jail, finds a wierd bottle hidden beneath one of the wall's bricks of the isolation cell, after spending three weeks there. He removes the cork to see if he can pleasure himself with it when a genie appears in a puff of perfumed smoke.

"Good tidings, lucky inmate. You found me. As in the traditional way, I can grant you three wishes, I guess that you, as the last user, want to be free as your first...", starts the genie.

The rapist, amazed at first, and amused at last, ponders for a moment before saying..."That thought crossed my mind, but after looking at you, I'll go with your sweet piece of ass"

The genie almost yells "What?".

"Your ass, I want your ass", answers the inmate.

The genie, shocked, materializes the Genie Book of Rules, but can't find anything against the wish. Sad, he lowers his pants and suffers the second most humiliating episode of his spirit career.

After the incident, the genie asks in a voice full of shame. "Well, and your second wish is?".

"Well, I want a new penis", says the sadist, checking his used equipment.

"And how would you like it?", says the genie.

"Well, with a eternal hard on, 6 feet long, with spikes, hooks and thorns around the sides, a three pronged spear at the end, and able to send outwards an electrical shock of a gigawatt every two seconds", says the rapist.

The genie, disgusted to the end, has no other resort than to grant the monster his wish. "So, one wish left. Your command?"

The inmate, transfixed by the look of his new tool, looks at the genie in the eyes and says. "Well, after this upgrade, I can't wait a second. I'll go with your sweet piece of ass"

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do it you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are digging a tunnel out of the cell where they have been imprisoned when they find a rusty lamp. They dust it off a bit and out pops a genie who agrees to grant them one wish each.

The Englishman says "I just want to be back in the home counties with a cup of tea" and disappears in a puff of smoke. The Scotsman says "I just want to be back in the Highlands with a wee dram" and also disappears leaving the Irishman all alone. The genie turns to him expectantly and waits to hear his wish. He says "It's awful lonesome here without my mates, could you bring them back?".

New Labour: Things can only get better.

Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you do it you're a mile away and you've got their shoes.

Got to love Jack Handey

Did you hear about the short-sighted rabbi performing his first circumcision?

He got the sack.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are awaken from their camp in the middle of the night to see 100 indians circling their tent, wildly firing their guns and yelling.

"Tonto!, we are doomed, we are surrounded by indians!", screams the Ranger.

"To be quite honest, Ranger, you are doomed. Look at my face, it is you the one who is surrounded by indians"

I heard this as:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are awaken from their camp in the middle of the night to see 100 indians circling their tent, wildly firing their guns and yelling.

"Tonto!, we are doomed, we are surrounded by indians!", screams the Ranger.

Then he takes a closer look at Tonto, who is taking off his shirt and putting on his war paint.

"What this 'we' business, white man?"

I heard this as:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are awaken from their camp in the middle of the night to see 100 indians circling their tent, wildly firing their guns and yelling.

"Tonto!, we are doomed, we are surrounded by indians!", screams the Ranger.

Then he takes a closer look at Tonto, who is taking off his shirt and putting on his war paint.

"What this 'we' business, white man?"

your version is better

A cruise ship takes on water during a hurricane and sinks to the bottom. Only 3 people survive, a young woman and two young men. They're marooned on th eisland for weeks and, as one might expect, nature eventually takes its course and the two men are having sex with the woman.

Unfortunately, guilt overcomes her at the way she's been living and so she commits suicide because she can't stand the shame.

The men, of course, are devastated, but in time nature once again takes its course.

But the men realize that what they've been doing is wrong, and so they decide to bury her body.

------------------------------------------------
3 Golfers are hitting the green, a lawyer, a doctor and an engineer. They're having an alright time but the person ahead of them seems to be taking forever at every hole. In fact, he's playing gold while totally blind. They ask one of the caddies what the deal is, and the caddie explains. "You see, that man was a firefighter, and lost his sight when he was saving several lives at the clubhouse in a fire here last year. In gratitude, he's allowed to play here anytime he wants.

The lawyer, inspired by this story says "I'm going to set up a legal trust fund to help him and his family!"

The doctor says "I'm going to dedicate myself to research on restoring sight to the blind!"

The Engineer says "Why can't he play at night?"
----------------------------------------------------------

Billybob and Jed are a couple of country boys who decide to go down one day to the community college and get an education. They each go in to speak with an academic advisor.

In Jed's m eeting, the advisor recommends he take Mathematics, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Jed asks, confused. "What's that?"

"Well," replies the advisor. "I'll give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?" Jed nods. The advisor continues.

"Well, since you own a lawnmower I can logically deduce that you live in a house." jed nods, amazed. "And since you have a house, then I can deduce that you have a family." Jed nods vigorously, enthralled by this logic. "And since you have a family, I can deduce that you're a heterosexual." Well Jed is just amazed at this, so he agrees to study logic.

As he leaves the advisor's office, he meets up with Billybob who is looking a bit confused. "What's the matter?" he asks. "Well," replies Billybob. "They done signed me up for Math, English and Logic... But I don't know what Logic is." Jed smiles and says "I'll show ya. Do you have a lawnmower?" Billybob replies that he does not. Jed winks and says "You're a queer, aren't ya?"

A Logics teacher asks his students:
"Do you know why aboriginals in Australia never use this finger?"
and shows them the little finger on his left hand.
The students look puzzled and none knows the answer.
The teacher answers himself:
"Because it's mine."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

A rabbi walks into the bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?"

And the frog says, "It's easy to find them. They're all over Brooklyn."

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his lists and says "Ah; you’re an engineer - you’re in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the dismal level of comfort in hell so he begins designing some improvements. He uses the fires of hell to generate electricity. He uses the electricity to manufacture things.

After a while they’ve got air conditioning and manufacturing plants. There he makes flush toilets and escalators. He wires hell with phones.

Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer "So how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies "Hey things are going great! Couldn’t be better. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what the engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies "What? You’ve got an engineer? There’s been a mistake - he should never have gone down there; send him up here immediately."

Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him."

God says "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah! Right! And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I have been racking my brains to try and remember the many jokes I have heard over the years, but I can hardly remember them including many of the ones on this thread. But here are a couple

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just Juan

Two blonds are driving down a country highway when they see another blond in a corn field rowing a boat. One blond says to the other you know it is blonds like her that gives the rest of us a bad name. And the other blond replied yeah if I knew how to swim I would go out there and hit her.

Q: A brunette and a blond jump off a moving plane at the same time which one hits the ground first?
A: The brunette the blond had to stop and ask for directions.

THREE NOTES GO INTO A BAR

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”
So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me. I’ll just be a second.”
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, “Get out now! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: “You’re looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development.” This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

I... I don't know whether to laugh or to hit you until you stop breathing. One of the two definitely though.

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meek looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

Definitely a classic!! Kudos for posting it!! :)

Thank you!

-----------------

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped
him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still
shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize
a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab...................

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

Another of my favourites.

-----------------

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy
your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

This really doesn't seem to be a joke. A joke necessitates humour and I can't find any humour in it, it just seems to be inane male-bashing.

-----------------


FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"...

Although there actually is humour in this, unlike the previous joke, I get quickly bored reading lists like these as they become less and less like humorous lists and more and more like inane female-bashing.

-----------------

Knotthole Glade;13555443']A Logics teacher asks his students:
"Do you know why aboriginals in Australia never use this finger?"
and shows them the little finger on his left hand.
The students look puzzled and none knows the answer.
The teacher answers himself:
"Because it's mine."

Brilliant.

-----------------

Oookay,

Three engineers and three lawyers who work for the same company are going up to a conference on the train together. As they are finding their seats, the three lawyers complain about the price of the tickets they had purchased. The engineers reveal that they had avoided the cost by only buying one ticket between the three of them.

The lawyers were surprised and asked how on earth the three engineers were going to get away with only one ticket.

"Wait and see" came the reply.

And sure enough, when the ticket inspector came around, the three engineers all crammed into one toilet. The ticket inspector knocked on the door and said "Ticket, please". The door opened a crack and a solitary hand emerged with the one ticket as the lawyers watched.


On the return journey the lawyers decided to replicate the engineers' trick, and as they found their seats they showed the engineers their one ticket. The engineers, however, revealed that this time they had bought no ticket at all, and had again outdone the lawyers. The laywers were mystified but again were given the response: "Wait and see".

And sure enough, when the ticket inspector came around, the three lawyers all crammed into one toilet, and the three engineers all crammed into one toilet. And just before the ticket inspector reached them, one of the engineers emerged and knocked on the lawyers' toilet door and said:

"Ticket, please."

A neutron goes into a bar and says:

"How much for a beer?"

and the barman says:

"For you, no charge!"

----------------------------

In a similar vein...


"Doctor, doctor, I think I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

I think I should apologise for this punchline in advance, hehehehe.


Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?

Both crews were marooned.

A woman takes her dog to the vet.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the vet.

"Well, Rover's fine, but he's cross-eyed" she replies.

"Okay, let's have a look at him" says the vet.

So the vet picks him up, checks his ears, his teeth, his eyes.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down" says the vet.

"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

The first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead.
But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots , the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
(She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde
continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


OLD AGE AND TREACHERY
WILL OVERCOME
YOUTH AND SKILL

Canuck, don't quit your day job, kid.

Three wealthy gentlemen are playing golf while waiting for a fourth to join them. Naturally, as such men often do, they begin to b rag about their sons.

"My son is such a successful car dealer," begins the first, "that he was able to give a car to a good friend of his as a gift!"

The second snorts derisively and says "My son is a successful real estate investor, and is doing so well he could afford to give the gift of a new house to his friend."

The third laughs and says "My son is such a successful stock broker that he was able to gift almost a million dollars in sticks and bonds to his close friend."

About this time the fourth golfer arrives and immediately the trio asks him about his son. "Well he's penniless and refuses to get a job." he replies. "I guess he doesn't need to, since his boyfriends have given him a car, a house, and almost a million bucks in stocks..."

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouleh and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now. "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh dear, so sad, " says the other.

And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21." "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born". "He's a martyr too" says mum quietly." Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They do blow up fast, don't they?"

Three wealthy gentlemen are playing golf while waiting for a fourth to join them. Naturally, as such men often do, they begin to b rag about their sons.

"My son is such a successful car dealer," begins the first, "that he was able to give a car to a good friend of his as a gift!"

The second snorts derisively and says "My son is a successful real estate investor, and is doing so well he could afford to give the gift of a new house to his friend."

The third laughs and says "My son is such a successful stock broker that he was able to gift almost a million dollars in sticks and bonds to his close friend."

About this time the fourth golfer arrives and immediately the trio asks him about his son. "Well he's penniless and refuses to get a job." he replies. "I guess he doesn't need to, since his boyfriends have given him a car, a house, and almost a million bucks in stocks..."

Another great joke. The way I heard it first though was that the fourth golfer's son is a lap-dancer at a gay club or something, but it's still funny.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouleh and a pint of goat's milk...so fast, don't they?"

Urrrrr. Bad taste. Bad, bad taste.

How many thriller writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two - one to get it almost all the way in, then the other to apply a surprising twist at the end.

Another great joke. The way I heard it first though was that the fourth golfer's son is a lap-dancer at a gay club or something, but it's still funny.


Come to think of it... that may be the version I heard originally....

Ole, Lars and Sven had been going to the Sons of Norway hall meetings as long as there had been a hall. And every month, wouldn't ya know it, they never won a prize at the monthly drawing. That is, until last meeting.

Sven was the first one of the three to have his name drawn. He won two pounds of spaghetti sauce, four boxes of noodles and three pounds of Swedish meatballs.

Ole had his name drawn next. He got himself round trip tickets to Duluth, MN., 2 nights' stay at the Dew Drop Inn, and a pair of tickets to see the Inger Triplets Polka Ensemble. Ole thought that he had died and gone to heaven.

Lars was the last one to have his name drawn. He won a toilet brush.

At the next monthly meeting, they sat down together to check out how they had fared for the past month. Sven said, "Uffda, I had dat pasketti for tree days. It was so good, and Helga didn't haf to buy food for dem dere tree days."

Ole said, "Lena was so happy hven I brought home dem tickets. Da trip up to Duloot was nice, and we got to ride da Greyhound, and yew know, they got a built-in outhouse on dat dere bus. And the Inger triplets, if I didn't know better, I would swear dey vere sisters."

Then Ole turned to Lars, and asked him how his prize worked out. Lars looked at them both and said, "Dat dere toilet brush is nice, but I tink I'll go back to using paper!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, and fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve the pain if you would allow me', she told him.

'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes', the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position. still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb is broke'.

A man sitting at a bar sighs.

The bartender asked what's wrong.

The man replied, "There I was on my way to work ... Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... And then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car.. (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. He was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

. . . And that's when the fight started . ."

================================================================

HOW WOMEN SHOWER

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW MEN SHOWER

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on her pillow.

==============================================================

Dear Abbey,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

Act like one.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.


OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.


COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...


ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.


JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.


JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.


ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.


ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?


BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!


COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?


DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 on one condition." (There are always conditions!)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

(Controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . .

"Clean my house."

How many old men does it take to change a light bulb?





Five: one to actually change it and four to talk about how in the old days no one asked stupid questions because there were no light bulbs to be changed.

My best friend used to have a joke written on the white board on his dorm room door:

"What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"

"Nacho cheese!"

This joke was there for a full school year. On the last day of the term, when I was helping him move out his stuff, I finally asked him to explain the joke to me.

Yeah. So. This is the dumbest joke I've ever had to have explained to me.

A woman goes to the dermetologist complaining of a terrible rash. "Show me." says the doctor and she removes her shirt to show a rash, in the middle of her chest in the shap eof the letter 'I.' The doctor, surprised asks where it came from and she explains; "Well, my boyfriend goes to the University of Illinois and when we make love he likes to wear his letter sweater." The doctor chuckles and gives her a prescription for an ointment.

Later, another young woman comes in with a rash. "Show me." says the doctor and right there in the middle of her chest is a rash shaped like a letter 'O.' "Where did you get that?" he asks. She explains that "my boyfriend goes to the University of Ohio and when we make love he likes to wear his letter sweater." The doctor shakes his head at the irony and gives her a prescription for an ointment.

IN the afternoon a third woman comes in complaining of a rash. The doctor, no longer surprised says "show me" and off comes her shirt and there, in the middle of her chest is a 'W.' The doctor smiles and says "Let me guess... your boyfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin and when you make love, he likes to wear his letter sweater..."

"No..." she says, "My girlfriend goes to Maryland..."

A man was hospitalized with burns after falling asleep in a tanning booth for hours. Another doctor asked the treating physician, "What treatments are you giving him?"
"Oh, just aloe lotion, Tylenol, and Viagra."
"Viagra? How does that help?"
"It keeps the sheet off him."

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new
secretary (a very attractive blonde) in the office down the hall from
me.

She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work,
can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and
proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear
plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging
out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall
trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief,
I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

"Oh, you mean the condom!", she said. "Condom???", I asked. "Yes,
John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses."

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to
keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5"
plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke
had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked
(as serious as one could be), "Does that mean I don't have to stroke
it ten times or blow on it either???"

Over time, people die and enter Heaven, but no one comes back from Heaven,
so the number of souls in Heaven is constantly increasing. Of course, these
souls have to be coming from somewhere, otherwise the law of conservation
of mass is being violated. Where the souls are coming from is of course
Earth. Now the Bible says that the righteous go on to live in the kingdom
of God for eternity. Thus, Heaven has an infinite duration. But the Earth
has a finite mass and if souls are leaving it at some rate then eventually
its mass will be depleted below zero, which is impossible - nothing can
have negative mass. Therefore Heaven cannot exist. A similar argument
applies to Hell, Gehennom, Elysium, Hades, and any other form of
afterlife. (The special case of reincarnation is somewhat more difficult
and will not be presented here.)

SCIENTISTS EXPLAINED

People who work in the fields of science and engineering are not like other
people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to
understand their motivations. The following analysis will teach you
everything you need to know. Their customs and mannerisms were learnt by
observing them, much the same way Jane Goodall learnt about the great apes,
but without the hassles of grooming.

********************************

1. SCIENTIST IDENTIFICATION KIT

Science is so trendy these days that everyone wants to be one. the word
'scientist' is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you
think is trying to pass as a scientist, give him/her this test to discern
the truth:

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.

B. Ignore it.

C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "it depends" in the margin of the test or who simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "marketing".

2. SOCIAL SKILLS

Scientists have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
interaction:

* Stimulating and thought provoking conversation;
* Important social contacts;
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, scientists have rational objectives for
social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible;
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

3. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the scientist, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
catagories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Scientists like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own. "Normal" people don't understand this
concept, they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Scientists
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No scientist looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would
take to turn it into a stun gun. No scientist can take a shower without
wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.

To the scientist, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor toys.

4. FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for a scientist, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages
are freezing or sticking together, and no genitalia or mammary glands are
swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.

5. LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Scientists love all of the Star Trek TV shows and movies. It's a small
wonder, since the scientists on the USS Enterprise are portrayed as heroes,
occasionally even having sex with aliens. this is much more glamorous than
the life of a real scientist, which consists of hiding from the Universe and
having sex without the participation of any other life forms.

6. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for scientists. A "normal" person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Scientists are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, scientists have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. While it's true that most "normal" people would
prefer note to date a scientist, most normal people harbour an intense
desire to mate with them, thus producing scientist-like children who will
have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male scientists reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than most
"normal" men, becoming irresistable erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to
late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistable men in
technical professions:

* Bill Gates
* MacGyver

Female scientists become irresistable at the age of consent and remain that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a
warm day.

7. HONESTY

Scientists are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep scientists away from
customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth.

Scientists sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to
believe them. The complete list of scientist lies is stated below:

"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job/research."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

8. FRUGALITY

Scientists are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem
in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
the greatest amount of cash?"

9. POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines a scientist, it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment.

This sometimes causes scientists to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some
funeral homes in high tech areas have started checking resumes before
processing the bodies. Anybody with a B.Sc. or experience in computer
programming is propped up in a lounge for a few days just to see if he or
she snaps out of it.

10. RISK

Scientists hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when a scientist makes a mistake, the media will
treat it like it's a big deal or something.

Examples of Bad Press for Scientists:

* Hindenburg
* Challenger
* SPANet (tm)
* Hubble Space Telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto

The risk/reward calculation for scientists looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, scientists evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons
that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the scientist
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but
it will cost too much."

11. EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to scientists:

* How smart they are;
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get a scientist to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable. No scientist can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
the scientist off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
personal - a battle between the scientist and the laws of nature.

Scientists will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem
(other times just because they forgot). And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and
we're including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the scientist than the suggestion that
somebody else has more technical skill. "Normal" people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the scientist.

When a scientist says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
means it's not fun to do), some clever "normal" people have learnt to
glance at the scientist with a look of compassion and pity, and say
something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the "normal" person to not stand
between the scientist and the problem. The scientist will set upon the
problem like a starved chihuahua on a pork chop.

SCIENTISTS EXPLAINED

Uh, just so you know, that's lifted word-for-word from a Dilbert book replacing every instance of the word 'engineer' with 'scientist'.

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/stupid_users/

And the classic:

"Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so.
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too dumb to own a computer".

http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/pictures/stupid_users/


This isn't a joke...

When I was working at a contract job, we had a power failure. I overheard a woman ask another one, "will laptops work if the power's out?"

This isn't a joke...

That particular account is in fact true, except for the last seven sentences. In reality, the computer assistance guy ended up explaining that computers, like toasters and hair dryers, require power to use, and thus won't work during a power failure; the "You're too stupid to own a computer" line he was tempted to say, but didn't. (I saw this elsewhere -- at the rinkworks computer stupidities site, where it was explained more fully.)

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

Well, if lists that make fun of stuff count as jokes, I have one. I got this list from a website about classic muscle cars.

IMPORT TERMINOLOGY

All Motor
Definition: No nitrous, no blower, or turbo.
Sentence: That guy wanted to race our Camaro "all motor." We didn't know what that meant so we beat him with nitrous.

Crew
Definition: The guys that do stuff for the driver, anytime, anywhere.
Sentence: I sent some guys from the crew to return my videos.

DOHC
Definition: Dual Overhead Cam.
Sentence: I felt so sick, I had to see the DOHC.

Gran Turismo 2
Definition: A video game import guys love 'cause their street cars are slow.
Sentence: I spun my Acura playing GT2 and then spilled milk on the sofa.

Jug Kit
Definition: Big bore or stroker engine kits.
Sentence: I put the 2.0L jug kit in my Acura.

Liter
Definition: Measure of engine displacement.
Sentence: I took my 1.6L Honda to the store and bought 2.0 liters of Coke.

LSD
Definition: Limited-slip differential/transaxle (it's in front).
Sentence: I dropped my LSD before the race and couldn't qualify.

NOPI
Definition: Summit of import retail guys selling stuff.
Sentence: I picked up a plastic ground effects kit and a 2-foot wing at the NOPI show.

Pop-off or blow-off valve
Definition: The vent that vents excess turbo boost to the atmosphere.
Sentence: My blow-off valve is bigger than your blow-off valve.

SOHC
Definition: Single overhead cam.
Sentence: When I do laundry, I always manage to lose a SOHC.

Three-inch
Definition: The minimum size for exhaust tips.
Sentence: My 1-inch exhaust system feeds my big chrome muffler and 3-inch tip.

Torque
Definition: Never mind, imports don't have any.

VTEC
Definition: Variable timing and lift electronic control.
Sentence: Instead of changing cams, I smacked my VTEC with a hammer.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. ' So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?' '

Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

' Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

' Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

' Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. ' For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Uh, just so you know, that's lifted word-for-word from a Dilbert book replacing every instance of the word 'engineer' with 'scientist'.

Nope, didn't know... Gracias

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

' Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...'

' Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

' I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

' It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.'

' Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!'

How does a blind parachutist know when to release the parachute?

When the leash goes slack.

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent we just -got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.

"The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull-shittin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

The Lord Chief Justice laid down the maximum penalty for bigamy yesterday........Two Mother in Laws

Q. How many Communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. None: it contains the seeds of its own revolution.


Q. How many Neo-Cons does it take to change a lightbulb.

A. None: the lightbulb is doing a fantastic job under very difficult conditions and the suggestions that it's broken are just defeatist propaganda spread by the liberal media. Why do you hate freedom?

Baba Booey Baba booey Baba booey.

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. One to deny that a lightbulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7.

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

***************************************************

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. 130 to perform the environmental impact study;

2. 251 to apologize to the world for all of the heat that the old bulb gave
off and the resultant contribution to Global Warming;

3. A talking point must be prepared By the DNC placing the failure of the light bulb squarely on George Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove;

4. A new chant must be developed for the next media event (ten-person rally) fomented by Move On, A.N.S.W.E.R., Code Pink, Not In My Name or the Berkeley Quilting Bee (an early favorite is "Bush Lied, Sylvania Died!");

5. Michael Moore must fim a documentary in which Bush must be depicted as callously reading a Dr. Seuss story to juvenile cancer patients at the very moment of the bulb's demise;

6. A gaggle of trial lawyers must prepare a class action suit on behalf of those suffering acute mental distress by being thrust into sudden, cruel, unanticipated darkness;

7. Grief counselors must be on hand to comfort those whom had developed a strong attachment for the old bulb;

8. Competitive bids must be solicited for the new bulb, with preferences given to women and minorities;

9. A letter of intent must be submitted to the ACLU offering assurances that there will be no prayer uttered at the old bulb's disposal or at the installation of the replacement;

10. A bill must be submitted in both houses removing the cost of the light bulb from the defense budget;

11. An illustrated pamphlet detailing the care and maintenance of light bulbs must be published in english, spanish, arabic, farsi, swahili, chinese (all varieties), high and low greek and ancient phoenician;

12. A lawyer to file a lawsuit over the light bulb's rights being denied. The lightbulb was comfortable being burnt out and did not want to change to conform to some Christian's views of how God intended lightbulbs to behave.

13. Permission to accomplish all the above must be obtained from the United Nations.

14. 9 union workers must be hired to actually change the lightbulb

****************************************

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to bring the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly painted power tools.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I
want bigger boobies."

A man sitting nearby looked at her and asked, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?"

"Why, yes I am...how did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to this captain of a fishing boat and says, 'Hey Capt'n got any work fer me?

The captain gives him a 28 page job application and says 'Fill this out and bring it back to me'.

So two days later the Newfie brings it back and gives it to the Captain. The captain takes a quick look at it and says 'OK, you're hired,now go on board and find something to do.'

Just then, this Japanese guy comes up to the captain and says, 'Lookie Wok, need wok.'

The captain tells him 'OK you're hired.'

The Newfie is standing right there and asks the captain 'Hey, you made me fill out a 28 page job application and you just hired this guy like that, why?'

Captain replies 'He's got an honest face'.

The Newfie sighs and walks onto the boat, all upset.

A few days later, they're out to sea and the Newfie is up in the crow's nest looking for icebergs and the Japanese guy is down on the deck mopping it. Just then, this great big wave comes along and washes the Japanese guy overboard. The Newfie gets down out of the crow's nest and walks into the Captain's' office and tells him "Remember that Japanese guy you hired with the honest face?

Well, he just fucked off with your mop!"

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”

A Priest gets pulled over by the police. Upon arriving the officer asks "Have you had anything to drink". The Priest replies, "just water". The Priest notices that the officer notices a wine bottle in passenger seat, looks at the officer and says, "damnit, he did it again"


Sorry if I screwed that up.

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.


'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend, Jose.

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH Noooooo...I'm Bald too!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?

Clinton or O'Bama ???

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the thing he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

I am the square root of -1. Who am i?

I am the square root of -1. Who am i?

hardeharhar. don't make me throw a pi in your face.

hardeharhar. don't make me throw a pi in your face.

Since you mention it...
Suppose you have a bread dish baked on a short cylinder. The radius of the dish is z, and the height is a. What is the volume?

pi z z a

Since you mention it...
Suppose you have a bread dish baked on a short cylinder. The radius of the dish is z, and the height is a. What is the volume?

pi z z a

*groans*
http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff315/Sarothai/Smileys/pie.gif

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor, just like you like
to be liked yourself."

George W. Bush
January 14, 2000
Quoted in the Financial Times.

A guy walks into a bar with a lovely blonde on one arm and a stunning redhead on the other arm, and a midget trailing behind. He tells the bartender he's buying a round for the house, and pulls out a roll of $20 bills. The bartender sets everybody up, but the midget hops up on the bar and runs all down it, kicking everybody's drink over.

Everybody gets mad, but the guy says, "Don't worry about it, just set everybody up again and I'll pay twice, and this time I'll hold on to the little bastard."

The bartender points to the door and says, "He's outta here!"

"No, no, please, I'll keep him under control."

"Well OK, but I don't understand why you put up with him."

"It was like this: I was on the beach and found this antique oil lamp. I couldn't help but try rubbing it, and sure enough, a genie came out and granted me three wishes.

"I wished for an endless roll of twenty-dollar bills, and POOF! There it was.

"So I wished for two gorgeous women who adore me, and POOF! Here they are.

"Then I had to go and wish for a twelve-inch prick..."

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty; through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Two of my favourite jokes:


What’s big and small at the same time?

A big egg.



A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.

So he gives her one.

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty; through Christ our Lord, Amen."

You must have missed this post:

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550691&postcount=69

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Three. All the rest are true.

what's black, white, and red all over

newspaper

You must have missed this post:

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550691&postcount=69

Ooops I did. Well it is good enough to hear twice. ;)

what's black, white, and red all over

newspaper

What's white, black and red all over?

A penguin eating a chainsaw

Because I'm feeling particularly awful today...
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
0.999999...

From Prairie Home Companion:
Ollie and Lena went to a fair, where they entered a raffle for a door prize. They both entered, and later Ollie won. The prize was a brand new toilet brush.
A few weeks later, a friend asked Ollie, "So, Ollie, how do you like your new toilet brush?"
He responded: "It does the job, but I think I'm going to go back to using paper."

Ooops I did. Well it is good enough to hear twice. ;)

S’alright.

Reminds me of another one:

A life-long atheist was on vacation in Scotland. One day he took a trip to see Loch Ness, hoping to have a good laugh at the expense of all the other tourists who came there looking for the Loch Ness Monster, which, of course, didn’t exist.

After spending a pleasant day seeing the sights and driving around the shore of the Loch, as the sun began to set and the fog started to roll in, suddenly from out of the water a huge serpentine form appeared and headed straight for the atheist.

“It’s the Monster!” the atheist exclaimed. Without thinking, he blurted out, “God save me!”

At that instant, the Monster froze in mid-air with jaws agape a few feet from the atheist. A celestial voice then rang out.

“My son,” the voice said, “all your life you have denied me. Now when you find yourself in a difficult situation, suddenly you call on me. Why should I intervene on your behalf?”

“Come on, God, give me a break,” replied the atheist. “Until two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.


Why do chicks like Jesus?

Because hes hung.

From Prairie Home Companion:
Ollie and Lena went to a fair, where they entered a raffle for a door prize. They both entered, and later Ollie won. The prize was a brand new toilet brush.
A few weeks later, a friend asked Ollie, "So, Ollie, how do you like your new toilet brush?"
He responded: "It does the job, but I think I'm going to go back to using paper."

Dude, I already covered that Ole joke and two others rather well...
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13561417&postcount=142
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550544&postcount=27
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550650&postcount=60
But there's room for more. Just don't repeat these three.

Father O'Malley is walking down the street in Dublin when he meets up with Mrs. Finnegan, a parishoner of his from many years back.

"Oh Mrs. Finnegan what a joy it is to see you! How are ye and Mr. Finnegan?"

"Oh we're quite fine, Father."

"And has the Lord blessed ye wiath any wee ones yet?"

"No, Father not yet it's still just the two of us."

"Well I'm going on a trip to Rome next week, I'll light a prayer candle for ye that the Lord may bles you with some children."

A few years later he again encounters Mrs. Finnegan.

"Mrs. Finnegan what a pleasure to see you after these years!"

"Oh hello Father glad to see ye well."

"And has the Lord blessed your home with children yet?"

"Oh yes father since I last saw you I've given birth to no less than ten little anklebiters!"

"Oh that's wonderful! And where's Mr. Finnegan?"

"In Rome."

"In Rome? What's he doing there???"

"Blowing out yer fuckin' candle!"

A man who hasn't been feeling so well is taken to the doctor by his wife. After a battery of tests the doctor asks to speak with the wife in private.

"I'm afraid your husband is suffering from stress and it's going to kill him."

The wife is shocked. "Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Yes." The doctor explains. "If you follow my instructions to the letter you may be able to save him. First, each morning get up before he does and lay out his clothes for him. Go downstairs and get the morning paper and open it to his favorite section and leave it on the breakfast table. Fix him whatever he wants for breakfast every day.

When you make his lunch, fix him his favorite sandwich with treats and little love notes.

In teh evening when he gets home from work, have his favorite dinners ready for him, take off his shoes, and let him watch whatever he wants on television. Don't nag him, don't bother him, don't scold him if he leaves his socks lying around. When he's ready for bed, take care of him sexually in whatever way he likes every night. if you can do all these things, he will live."

She nods in understanding and goes to speak to her husband.

"Well?" He asks. "What did the doctor say?"

She takes his hand, looks him in the eye and says, "Honey, you're going to die."

Whats red, squishy and getting smaller ?





...a baby with a cheese grater :D

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.


Why do chicks like Jesus?

Because hes hung.

This brings to mind the joke from the Crow.

Christ walks into an inn. He hands the innkeeper three nails and asks him "Can you put me up for the night?"

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


"You got Male!"


(groans mandatory :p)

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


"You got Male!"


(no groans allowed :p)

*groans*

did it anyways :p

*groans*

did it anyways :p

I fixed it. ;)

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

How about a lion-pig?

How about a lion-pig?

:p

:p

http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff315/Sarothai/Smileys/Dziekuje.gif

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots.

The bartender arranges them in a row and the customer drinks each one down, one right after the other.

The bartender, astonnished says "I've never seen a man drink ten shots like that! You must be celebrating something."

The customer replies "Yes, I experienced my first blowjob today."

The bartender smiles and says "Well congratulations! Have another on the house!"

And the customer says "No thanks, if the ten won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten shots.

The bartender arranges them in a row and the customer drinks each one down, one right after the other.

The bartender, astonnished says "I've never seen a man drink ten shots like that! You must be celebrating something."

The customer replies "Yes, I experienced my first blowjob today."

The bartender smiles and says "Well congratulations! Have another on the house!"

And the customer says "No thanks, if the ten won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."

lmao

lmao

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week.

A guy wallks into aliquor store and asks for one bottle of Jack and another of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, a little buzzed and asks for 2 bottles of Jack and 2 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, blitzed, and asks for 3 bottles of Jack and 3 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, staggering drunk, and asks for 4 bottles of Jack and 4 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, so unable to walk he needs the help of two others to ask for 5 bottles of Jack and 5 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

On the 6th night he comes in, stone sober, and asks for a sixpack of Pepsi.

The proprietor says "what happened? You were up to 10 bottles a night! You were on a roll!"

The customer nods and says "Well, last night after the tenth bottle I passed out, and this morning I woke up blowing Chunks."

The proprietor says "Well no biggie so you were hung over and..."

And the customer intterupts "No, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog..."

A guy wallks into aliquor store and asks for one bottle of Jack and another of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, a little buzzed and asks for 2 bottles of Jack and 2 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, blitzed, and asks for 3 bottles of Jack and 3 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, staggering drunk, and asks for 4 bottles of Jack and 4 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

He comes in the next night, so unable to walk he needs the help of two others to ask for 5 bottles of Jack and 5 of tequila. The bartender places them on the counter where the customer pays for them and leaves.

On the 6th night he comes in, stone sober, and asks for a sixpack of Pepsi.

The proprietor says "what happened? You were up to 10 bottles a night! You were on a roll!"

The customer nods and says "Well, last night after the tenth bottle I passed out, and this morning I woke up blowing Chunks."

The proprietor says "Well no biggie so you were hung over and..."

And the customer intterupts "No, you don't understand... Chunks is my dog..."

You're a sick man Neo B...
That was hilarious though...

You're a sick man Neo B...
That was hilarious though...

Yeah this is my outlet for the jokes I can't tell around my Mormon friends.

Here's one I *DID* tell that shocked a few, but later when I told my Bishop he thought it was hilarious: (Who knows, maybe the first group misunderstood and thought it was racist or something...)

2 Elderly Jewish gentlemen are sitting on a hill talking about their sons.

"You know," says one, "I had a good boy. He did all the good Jewish things. He went to temple every week, married a good Jewish girl, never ate pork. You know what he did? He went and became a Christian."

The other nods and says "I know just what you mean. I too had a good Jewish Boy. Wore his yamulka, read his Torah, kept kosher, but you know what he did? He up and became a Christian."

Then suddenly the clouds part and a beam of sunlight pours down on them and a booming voice from the Heavens says "I know just what you mean..."

You're a sick man Neo B...
That was hilarious though...


I am so crying, I am laughing so hard! :p

1.

So my father died in a concentration camp during WWII.

pauses for dramatic effect

he fell off his guard tower.

2.

Q: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

A: The wheelchair.

3 couples each have an appointment to see the pastor of a local church that they want to join. There's a young newlywed couple, a middle aged couple who have been together for 20 years, and an elderly couple who have been together their whole life.

The pastor explains that in order to join the congregation each couple must go through a period of reflection and introspection and abstain from sex for 2 weeks, after which they may join.

Two weeks later they all show up again to report in.

The elderly couple goes first.

"Well pastor," The husband begins, "We're not as young as we used to be so we found it prety easy to abstain." The pastor smiles and welcomes them to the congregation.

The middle aged couple enters. "Well pastor," begins the wife. "It was easy the first week, kinda rough the second week but we made it." The p astor smiles. "Welcome to the congregation."

The newlyweds enter. "Well pastor," begins the husband. "We got through the first week--barely, but then in the second week I saw my wife bend over to pick up a hammer and I just lost control of myself and I had to have her... and so I took her right then and there."

"Well," the pastor says sadly. "I can understand that, being as you're so young and all, but I'm afraid I can't welcome you to our church."

"That's alright." Says the husband. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

Jesus, Aeris&Dumbledore walk into a bar.
The bartender dies.

A man comes home from work to the sweet aroma of chocolate chip cookies being baked by his blonde girlfriend. He says "Mmm they smell good, you make them from scratch?" "Yeah" She says "took me all day too" obviously proud of her accomplishment. The man was wondering why it would take all day. "Why did it take you so long, honey?" he asks.

"Well, it was a real bitch to get all those dam M&M covers off"

3 couples each have an appointment to see the pastor of a local church that they want to join. There's a young newlywed couple, a middle aged couple who have been together for 20 years, and an elderly couple who have been together their whole life.

The pastor explains that in order to join the congregation each couple must go through a period of reflection and introspection and abstain from sex for 2 weeks, after which they may join.

Two weeks later they all show up again to report in.

The elderly couple goes first.

"Well pastor," The husband begins, "We're not as young as we used to be so we found it prety easy to abstain." The pastor smiles and welcomes them to the congregation.

The middle aged couple enters. "Well pastor," begins the wife. "It was easy the first week, kinda rough the second week but we made it." The p astor smiles. "Welcome to the congregation."

The newlyweds enter. "Well pastor," begins the husband. "We got through the first week--barely, but then in the second week I saw my wife bend over to pick up a hammer and I just lost control of myself and I had to have her... and so I took her right then and there."

"Well," the pastor says sadly. "I can understand that, being as you're so young and all, but I'm afraid I can't welcome you to our church."

"That's alright." Says the husband. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

LOL, keep 'em coming Neo B

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

'Scuse me?

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

'Scuse me?

A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him. The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT. Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.

To be fair the statistic is only true because I go around killing lefties to make it seem like they don't live as long...

*buys bus ticket to Washington*

To be fair the statistic is only true because I go around killing lefties to make it seem like they don't live as long...

*buys bus ticket to Washington*

Puh-leeze. Do you honestly think you're the first person who's tried to off me? You will come before me. You will perish. I will live.

I shall ALWAYS live.

Puh-leeze. Do you honestly think you're the first person who's tried to off me? You will come before me. You will perish. I will live.

I shall ALWAYS live.

:D
Well, that's gonna skew the statistics a bit.

:D
Well, that's gonna skew the statistics a bit.

:D

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money to go to the motorcycle dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer asks if he would like extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he cannot afford that and is now afraid that the chrome will rust as soon as it gets wet. The dealer tells him not to worry, that there is an old biker trick which will keep the chrome like new. All he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put in on the chrome before it rains. The young man happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kiss the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!!!

Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone.

And no one says a word...!!!!

Now is he getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline.

And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes!"

t was the postman's last day on a route which he had served for years, and the people he had gotten to know, at first strangers but now friends, all came out to wish him well. One gave him a hand knitted sweater; a second a jar of cookies, and a third a bottle of fine wine. He had just delivered the final piece of mail and was about to leave when the woman of the house came running out, in such a hurry she was still wearing her long flannel robe. "Mr. Postman, Mr. Postman, come inside. I've made breakfast for you on your last day."

Thankful for a chance to rest before driving home, the postman followed her inside. There she plied him with an absolutely wonder meal - juice, pancakes, eggs, turkey sausage, muffins and more. When finally he finished he thanked say saying, "That was absolutely wonderful. I am really touched."

She smiled. "I have something else to give you," she said, pulling down the zipper on her robe which showed that underneath she was wearing - as you have guessed - nothing.

A hour later the exhausted postman propped himself up to a sitting position and said, "That was absolutely wonderful. No one has ever given me such a wonderful gift."

She kissed him on the forehead, bounced out of bed to the dresser, and got a crisp new dollar bill which she gave to him with a smile.

He was flabbergasted. "This is incredible. I don't understand it. Why?

"My boyfriend suggested it," she said sweetly.

Shock. "Your boyfriend?"

"Yes. I asked him, 'What should we give the postman for his last day.?' He said, 'Screw the postman. Give him a dollar." So I did. The breakfast was my own idea."

The following are from the nice folks at Californians Against Lawsuit Abuse (CALA) and are supposedly true.

A Los Angeles attorney sued another attorney who had hung a cardboard tombstone in his office that read, "R.I.P./Jerry Garcia (a few too many parties perhaps?)."

The plaintiff lawyer, a Garcia groupie, alleged this joke caused him "humiliation, mental anguish, and emotional and physical distress" after seeing the sign. He further added that he had suffered injury to his mind and body (specifics were not listed in the suit).

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was playing golf and hit a shot which ricocheted off railroad tracks that run through the course. The ball hit her in the nose and she won $40,000 because the golf course had a "free lift" rule. (This allows golfers to toss balls which land near the rails to the other side.) The woman alleged that because the course allowed a free lift, they were, in effect, acknowledging the rails to be a hazard

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A surfer recently sued another surfer for "taking his wave." The case was ultimately dismissed because they were unable to put a price on "pain and suffering" endured by watching someone ride the wave that was "intended for you."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went into a Northridge discount department store to buy a blender. She decided to take the bottom box from a stack of four blenders from an upper shelf used to store extra stock. When she pulled out the bottom box, the rest of the boxes fell. She sued the store for not warning customers from taking stock from the upper shelf and for stacking the boxes so high. She claimed to sustain carpel tunnel syndrome and neck, shoulder and back pain.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A minister and his wife sued a guide-dog school for $160,000 after a blind man learning to use a seeing-eye dog stepped on the woman's toe. She sought $80,000 for medical bills, pain & suffering, humiliation and disability. Her husband sought the same amount for loss of his wife's care, comfort and consortium.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An inmate filed a $5 million lawsuit against himself (he claimed that he violated his own civil rights by getting arrested) -- then asked the state to pay because he has no income in jail. He said, "I want to pay myself $5 million dollars, but ask the state to pay it on my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." The judge was not impressed by his ingenuity, and dismissed the suit as frivolous.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who had purchased a BMW took his new car to a detailing shop for a fancier look and discovered that the car had been partly repainted before it was sold, due to damage done by acid rain. The man was awarded $4,000 in compensatory damages, and $4 Million in punitive damages. The court upheld the verdict, but cut the punitive damages to $2 million.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A college student in Idaho decided to "moon" someone from his 4th story dorm room window. He lost his balance, fell out of his window, and injured himself in the fall. Now the student expects the University to take the fall --- he is suing them for "not warning him of the dangers of living on the 4th floor".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A jury awarded $178,000 in damages to a woman who sued her former fiance for breaking their seven-week engagement. The breakdown: $93,000 for pain & suffering; $60,000 for loss of income from her legal practice, and $25,000 for psychiatric counseling expenses.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman driving a car collided with a man who was riding a snowmobile. The man died at the scene. Since his snowmobile had suddenly cut in front of her, police said she was free of blame. She sued the man's widow for the grave and crippling psychological injuries she suffered from watching the man die.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A writer was sued for $60 million dollars after writing a book about a convicted Orange County serial killer. Although the inmate is on death row, he claimed that he was innocent in all 16 murders, so the characterization of him as a serial killer was false, misleading and "defamed his good name". In addition, he claimed those falsehoods would cause him to be "shunned by society and unable to find decent employment" once he returned to private life. The case was thrown out in a record 46 seconds, but only after $30,000 in legal fees were incurred by the writer's publisher.

--------------------------------------------

A man who'd eaten a lot of sugary snack food fell out of a tree ... and sued the snack food company for $100 million in damages!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman went to her friend's house and asked for a haircut. Unhappy with her new look, she claimed her friend had willfully, intentionally and maliciously cut her hair without her consent ... and sued him for $75,000.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man bought a house. He later claimed it was haunted .. and sued the former owner seeking to undo the sale and collect damages

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A convicted bank robber on parole entered a bank, went up to the teller, and said, "Give me the money. I've got a bomb." The bank teller did as instructed, except that hidden in the rolls of money turned over to the robber was an anti-robbery device that released tear gas. The device functioned as intended .. and the robber sued the bank!

If you don't know the Hebrew words, the following will help.
Hebrew English
----------------------------------------
Hu He
Hee She
Mee Who
Ma What
----------------------------------------------------

* ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
* COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
* ABBOT: Now, the first thing you must understand is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
* COSTELLO: Sure, I understand.
* ABBOT: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
* COSTELLO: How stupid do you think I am -- don't answer that. It's simple, some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.
* ABBOT: Precisely
* COSTELLO: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?
* ABBOT: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
* COSTELLO: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
* ABBOT: Fine. Let's start with Mee.
* COSTELLO: You.
* ABBOT: No, Mee.
* COSTELLO: Fine, we'll start with you.
* ABBOT: No, we'll start with Mee.
* COSTELLO: Okay, have it your way.
* ABBOT: Now, Mee is who.
* COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
* ABBOT: No, no, no. Mee is who.
* COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
* ABBOT: You don't understand.
* COSTELLO: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
* ABBOT: Yes I did. Mee is who.
* COSTELLO: You is Abbott.
* ABBOT: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about Mee.
* COSTELLO: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
* ABBOT: No, no. Tell me about Mee!
* COSTELLO: Who?
* ABBOT: Precisely.
* COSTELLO: Precisely what?
* ABBOT: Precisely who.
* COSTELLO: It's precisely whom!
* ABBOT: No, Mee is who.
* COSTELLO: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
* ABBOT: All right. Hu is he.
* COSTELLO: Who is he?
* ABBOT: Yes.
* COSTELLO: I don't know. Who is he?
* ABBOT: Sure you do. You just said it.
* COSTELLO: I just said what?
* ABBOT: Hu is he.
* COSTELLO: Who is he?
* ABBOT: Precisely.
* COSTELLO: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
* ABBOT: No, precisely he.
* COSTELLO: Precisely he? Who is he?
* ABBOT: Precisely!
* COSTELLO: And what about me?
* ABBOT: Who.
* COSTELLO: me, me, me!
* ABBOT: Who, who who!
* COSTELLO: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
* ABBOT: No, Hu is he!
* COSTELLO: I don't know I maybe he is me!
* ABBOT: No, Hee is she!
* COSTELLO: Do his parents know about this? (STARES AT ABBOTT)
* ABBOT: About what?
* COSTELLO: About he!
* ABBOT: What about her?
* COSTELLO: That she is he!
* ABBOT: No, you've got it wrong-Hee is she!
* COSTELLO: Then who is he?
* ABBOT: Precisely!
* COSTELLO: Who?
* ABBOT: He!
* COSTELLO: Me?
* ABBOT: Who'
* COSTELLO: He?
* ABBOT: She!
* COSTELLO: Who is she?
* ABBOT: No, Hu is he.
* COSTELLO: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
* ABBOT: No, that's not right.
* COSTELLO: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.
* ABBOT: Who.
* COSTELLO: Who?
* ABBOT: Precisely!
* COSTELLO: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
* ABBOT: No, Hee is she!
* COSTELLO: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now
* I can't even speak English. Let me review.
* ABBOT: Go ahead.
* COSTELLO: Now first You want to know me is who.
* ABBOT: Correct.
* COSTELLO: And then you say who is he.
* ABBOT: Absolutely.
* COSTELLO: And then you tell me he is she.
* ABBOT & COSTELLO: Precisely!
* COSTELLO: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
* ABBOT: Who?
* COSTELLO: She!
* ABBOT: That is he!
* COSTELLO: Who is he?
* ABBOT & COSTELLO: Precisely!
* COSTELLO: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You
* know what I want? Ma!
* ABBOT: What.
* COSTELLO: I said ma.
* ABBOT: What.
* COSTELLO: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
* ABBOT: What!
* COSTELLO: Not what, who!
* ABBOT: He!
* COSTELLO: Not he! Ma is not he!
* ABBOT: Of course not! Who is he!
* COSTELLO: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and play with my dog.
* ABBOT: Fish.
* COSTELLO: Fish?
* ABBOT: Dag is fish.
* COSTELLO: That's all, I'm outta here.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

A city slicker decides to try his hand at duck hunting so he goes to the sporting goods store and buys decoys, a shotgun, ammo, a duck call... the works.

He then heads off into the country to hunt some duck.

Well after almost the whole weekend of fruitless hunting, he finally manages to shoot down a duck. Unfortunately, it has fallen onto the property of a nearby farm. He refuses to leave his one and only kill so he sneaks onto the property to retrieve the duck. Just as he reaches his prize, the back door thunders open on the farmhouse and the farmer stands there with a rifle. "Git off my land, ya varmint!" screams the farmer.

The city guy holds his hands up. "Sir, I"m sorry to trespass on your land... I mean no harm I just wanted to get my duck here." The farmer shakes his head. "Nuh-uh. That ain't how it works in the country. This here's my farm, my land, my duck." The hunter rolls his eyes. "Look, gimme a break, ok? I've been hunting all weekend and this is all I've got to show for it.... Please.."

The farmer shakes his head and says "We gotta solve this the country way. I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, then you kick me... We keep goin' until one or the other gives up."

The hunter isn't looking forward to getting kicked in the groin, but he certainly isn't willing to leave the duck, so he agrees. The farmer comes up and draws back, and plants a thundering toe strike right in the hunter's crotch (wearing heavy work boots, of course.) The hunter drops like a sack and lays there for nearly half an hour, mewling like a kitten.

Eventually he pulls himself up and staggers to his feet, wipes the tears from his eyes and says "Alright you hick son of a bitch. It's my turn." The farmer shakes his head and says "Nah I give up. You can have the duck."

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

So having realized that duck hunting isn't his forte', the city slicker decides to hunt bear. In particular, he opts to go after the fabled Great West Virginia Black Mountain Bear, the only one in existence. He goes to the sporting goods store and buys a hunting rifle, 30.06 ammo and bait, and a few other necessities and heads off to the Appalachians.

After tracking the bear down for 3 days he sees it sitting in a field. He carefully takes aim and fires a well placed shot right in the bear's head. The bear goes down.

The hunter rushes out to the field to claim his kill when suddenly the bear jumps up, grabs him, rips his pants off and throws him bent over a log. He then proceeds to make the hunter his bitch in the worst way, then leaves him for dead.

The hunter, humiliated and with a sore butt, goes back to the city and vows revenge. He goes to a gun dealer and buys an AR-15 with 20" heavy fluted barrel, 30 round clip, modifies the selector to full auto, adds a grenade launcher and a scope, and goes back after the Great West Virginia Black Mountain Bear. He tracks the bear for 3 more days and sees it sitting in a clearing. He takes careful aim, flips the switch to full auto, and rips the clip into the bear. The bear goes down.

Again the hunter rushes out to the field to claim his kill when suddenly the bear jumps up, grabs him, rips his pants off and throws him bent over a log. He then proceeds to make the hunter his bitch in the worst way, again, then leaves him for dead. Again.

The hunter, bleeding rectally and vowing revenge, goes to a surplus store run by a crazy survivalist and buys an antitank rocket launcher and two extra rounds. He takes his weapon and heads back out after the Great West Virginia Black Mountain Bear. He tracks the bear for 3 more days and sees it sitting in a grove. He takes careful aim, squeezes the trigger and with a tremendous tree-shattering blast, the bear goes down.


Again the hunter rushes out to the field to claim his kill when suddenly the bear jumps up, grabs him, rips his pants off and throws him bent over a log. The bear then looks at the hunter and says "You aren't really here for the hunting, are you?"

I think...

In a bathroom in New York somewhere, if you tell a lie you disapear. A Brunette walks into the bathroom. "I am the Hottest girl in New York!" POOF she disappeared. A red headed girl walks into the bathroom. "I am the smartest girl in New York!!" POOF she disappeared. A blonde walks in the bathroom. "I Think..." POOF she disappears.

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

Dude, I already covered that Ole joke and two others rather well...
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13561417&postcount=142
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550544&postcount=27
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13550650&postcount=60
But there's room for more. Just don't repeat these three.

So you did. You also spelled his name right. My mistake.

This is better if you read it aloud....

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits
down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands
a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve
beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be
served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more
forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve
me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the
end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised,
eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again
demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are
on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a
barbitchyouate."

This is better if you read it aloud....

*snip*
This reminds me of "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
I know, I know, it's probably already been said. It just reminded me of that.

This is a copy of a Bricklayers report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board.
It is allegedly a true story.


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for ‘additional information’ as per block 3 of the accident report form.

I put ‘Poor Planning’ as the cause of my accident and you have asked for a fuller account, I trust the following will explain.

I am a bricklayer by trade and on the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I had completed my work I found that I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand a few at a time I decided to lower them in the barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building. Securing the rope at ground level I went up to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a rapid rate. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downwards at an equally impressive speed.

This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and broken collarbone as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approx. 50lbs, I refer you once again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the 3rd floor I once again met the barrel, this time coming up, hence the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here, my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I’m sorry to report however, as I lay on the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move I lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. As I lay there I could watch the empty barrel begin its downward journey onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I trust this answers your query.

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to the American
company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC
Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-
winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you ****ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Axxxxx
Austin , TX

Mary is s student at the local Catholic school, but not a very good student. She sleeps through almsot every class. So one day, the nun teaching the class decides to test her, to keep her on her toes. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is our beloved father who created us all"?
Johnny, who decides to be helpful, walks over and sticks a pin into Mary's ear. Mary jumps up and screams, "God Almighty!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is God's beloved son"? Ever helpful Johnny walks over, and sticks a pin in her ear. Mary jumps up, and screams "Jesus Christ!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun decides to make it more difficult. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says "Mary, what did Eve say after she had Adam's 23'rd child." Johnny, who is getting rather sick of this job, walks over and sticks a pin in her ear. She jumps up and says, "I swear to God, if you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!"

The nun faints.

Mary is s student at the local Catholic school, but not a very good student. She sleeps through almsot every class. So one day, the nun teaching the class decides to test her, to keep her on her toes. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is our beloved father who created us all"?
Johnny, who decides to be helpful, walks over and sticks a pin into Mary's ear. Mary jumps up and screams, "God Almighty!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is God's beloved son"? Ever helpful Johnny walks over, and sticks a pin in her ear. Mary jumps up, and screams "Jesus Christ!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun decides to make it more difficult. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says "Mary, what did Eve say after she had Adam's 23'rd child." Johnny, who is getting rather sick of this job, walks over and sticks a pin in her ear. She jumps up and says, "I swear to God, if you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!"

The nun faints.

I have a joke like that, but its different.

It goes:

Every Sunday a boy, Jack, and a girl, Jill, have to go to Sunday Church School. Jill wasnt the best student, always falling asleep during class. The teacher finally got tired of seeing Jill not paying attention that she desided to ask her questions in the next series of classes.

The next day of Sunday school, Jill fell asleep as normal. The teacher asked Jill, "Jill, who is the great creator?" Jack, who sat behind Jill, poked Jill in the back with a pencil. Jill yelled, intending it to go to Jack, "God Almighty!!!" And the teacher was surprised she got it right.

The next school session, Jill fell asleep yet again.This time the teacher asked Jill, "Who is God's son?" Jack poked Jill again and Jill replied, "Jesus Christ!!!!" And she was correct yet again.

The Sunday after that, Jill fell asleep another time. This time the teacher really wanted to trick Jill by asking, " What did Eve say to Adam when the were in the process of making a baby?" Jack poked Jill a third time and Jill yelled, "If you touch me with that thing one more time Im going to break it in half!!!!!!!!"

I have a joke like that, but its different.

It goes:

Every Sunday a boy, Jack, and a girl, Jill, have to go to Sunday Church School. Jill wasnt the best student, always falling asleep during class. The teacher finally got tired of seeing Jill not paying attention that she desided to ask her questions in the next series of classes.

The next day of Sunday school, Jill fell asleep as normal. The teacher asked Jill, "Jill, who is the great creator?" Jack, who sat behind Jill, poked Jill in the back with a pencil. Jill yelled, intending it to go to Jack, "God Almighty!!!" And the teacher was surprised she got it right.

The next school session, Jill fell asleep yet again.This time the teacher asked Jill, "Who is God's son?" Jack poked Jill again and Jill replied, "Jesus Christ!!!!" And she was correct yet again.

The Sunday after that, Jill fell asleep another time. This time the teacher really wanted to trick Jill by asking, " What did Eve say to Adam when the were in the process of making a baby?" Jack poked Jill a third time and Jill yelled, "If you touch me with that thing one more time Im going to break it in half!!!!!!!!"

Not that it isn't crap both ways (no offence like) but that bit in bold ruins the joke completely.

Mary is s student at the local Catholic school, but not a very good student. She sleeps through almsot every class. So one day, the nun teaching the class decides to test her, to keep her on her toes. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is our beloved father who created us all"?
Johnny, who decides to be helpful, walks over and sticks a pin into Mary's ear. Mary jumps up and screams, "God Almighty!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says, "Mary, who is God's beloved son"? Ever helpful Johnny walks over, and sticks a pin in her ear. Mary jumps up, and screams "Jesus Christ!!" The nun nods in satisfaction and moves on.

Next day, the nun decides to make it more difficult. She walks over to Mary, who is asleep, and says "Mary, what did Eve say after she had Adam's 23'rd child." Johnny, who is getting rather sick of this job, walks over and sticks a pin in her ear. She jumps up and says, "I swear to God, if you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!"

The nun faints.

Not that it isn't crap both ways (no offence like) but that bit in bold ruins the joke completely.

No its ok. I completely see what your sayin

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed
out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

"Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed
out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

"Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."

Must be right after she wrote the letter to Always maxi-pads. http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13584534&postcount=236

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed
out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

"Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."

In a similar vein:

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?

A: Are you gonna eat that?

Three cowboys, one from Montana, one from New Mexico, and one form Texas are sitting around a campfire one night. The New Mexican was telling a story about stopping a stampede, by grabbing the lead bull and wrestling it to the ground.

Not to be out-done, the Montanan told about the time he trod on a rattlesnake, reached down picked it up, bit off its head and made a hat-band out of it.

The Texan, sat quietly, not bragging at all, slowly stirring the campfires coals.

With his penis.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Hummer?



On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Yeah this is my outlet for the jokes I can't tell around my Mormon friends.

Here's one I *DID* tell that shocked a few, but later when I told my Bishop he thought it was hilarious: (Who knows, maybe the first group misunderstood and thought it was racist or something...)

2 Elderly Jewish gentlemen are sitting on a hill talking about their sons.

"You know," says one, "I had a good boy. He did all the good Jewish things. He went to temple every week, married a good Jewish girl, never ate pork. You know what he did? He went and became a Christian."

The other nods and says "I know just what you mean. I too had a good Jewish Boy. Wore his yamulka, read his Torah, kept kosher, but you know what he did? He up and became a Christian."

Then suddenly the clouds part and a beam of sunlight pours down on them and a booming voice from the Heavens says "I know just what you mean..."

Heh, I've heard that joke before, but there's usually a line in there to the effect of "he was a good Jewish boy... but then he went to live in Israel, and he ended up becoming a Christian". :p

Another good one:

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew were having a drink together in a pub and, as it always did, the subject of religion came up. They started to argue about whose religion was the True faith, and in the end they came up with a challenge: converting humans is easy and is no guarantee of divine favour, so they'd try to convert bears instead.

The Christian agreed to try first. The next week he came back to the pub, with deep claw marks all over his body and a triumphant grin. He said: "I encountered a bear in the woods and started preaching to it, only for the animal to attack me. We rolled down a hill, locked in mortal combat, and straight into a shallow stream. Without hesitating, I dunked the bear's head under the water and shouted 'I baptise you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit!' Immediately the bear became as gentle as a lamb and had started to attend the local church.

Determined not to be outdone, the Muslim set off. He returned the next week with both arms broken but a smile on his face. "I too met a bear in the woods, and it attacked me, breaking both my arms. Thinking that my death was near, I cried out 'I testify that there is no god but Allah and Mohammed is his messenger!', expecting these to be my last words. As soon as I said them, the bear not only stopped attacking me, but carried me to the nearest hospital and now comes to the Mosque five times a day".

The Jew confidently declares that he can beat both of them, and sets out. Many week pass with no sign of him, and the other two begin to worry as to the fate of their friend. Eventually, when they'd almost given him up for dead, he limped into the pub, his entire body encased in plaster and bandages. After a stiff drink, he turned to his friends and said: "You know, with hindsight circumcision was probably a bad place to start."

"You know, with hindsight circumcision was probably a bad place to start."

Good one.

A Montana cowboy and a Texas cowboy are discussing their respective spreads. The Texas cowboy says, "I can get in my truck and drive all day and only cross half my ranch."

The Montana cowboy says, "I know what you mean. I used to own a Chevy, too."

http://www.duckboy.com/index.html - scroll down a bit.....

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief.
"I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him.
I'll give him the three things I would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says.
"I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer now."
He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.
"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week. "

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all?
Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with it's eyes shut and it's legs in the air.

She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and in seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her Dad came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the Father shook the girl and shouted, "What do you mean Lucy"? "Tell Daddy!

"Well, mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, oh Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming and if it hadn't for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with
another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed
out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're
not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
husband's hand and said......

"Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and
go to town for a cold beer.

You do whatever you want."

When I read this joke all I could think of was a raspy voice and a tape recorder playing "Hello, I would like to play a game..."

I've seen Saw too many times...