NationStates Jolt Archive

Ring - Ring] ~ [Pick Up]

- "Hello?"

- "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

- "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"

After a brief pause, Daddy says; "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"

- "Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause.

- "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table; run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

- "Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few seconds later the little girl comes back to the phone.

- "I did it Daddy"

- "And what happened honey?" he asked.

- "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

- "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

- "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says; "Swimming pool?? Is this 486-5731???"

Ring - Ring] ~ [Pick Up]

??"

It hurts how much I am laughing!! :p

Family History

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."

A man wakes up one morning in Anchorage to find a bear on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Family History

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the
human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."

:rolleyes:

Seriously, all of these jokes you've been posting aren't that funny.

:rolleyes:

Seriously, all of these jokes you've been posting aren't that funny.

Oh well, I don't guess anyone is making you read them are they? ;)

Jesus, Aeris&Dumbledore walk into a bar.
The bartender dies.

A: Don't get it.
B: for the second name are you misspelling Eris, Ares or am I missing the reference entirely?

A: Don't get it.
B: for the second name are you misspelling Eris, Ares or am I missing the reference entirely?

FF7. Obviously you are not truly a member of the brotherhood of gamers. Google FF7 if you don't understand the abbreviation.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8.A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10.A poor country preacher was preparing the local chapel for a wedding ceremony scheduled a few days later. He noticed that the building looked rather shabby and decided to paint it. In the basement he found a can of paint and promptly went to work. As he finished one side of the building, he noticed that the paint can was almost half empty. He returned to the basement and found some paint thinner, which he used to fill his can of paint. Then he finished the job. That night, tyhe worst rainstorm of the year blew in, and the next morning found the preacher staring at what was left of his work. The first side he had painted was fine, but the paint had been washed off of the other three. The preacher asked, "Why did this happen, God? Why me? What am I supposed to do?" and there came a voice from heaven, saying "Repaint, and thin no more."


And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

FF7. Obviously you are not truly a member of the brotherhood of gamers. Google FF7 if you don't understand the abbreviation.

Ah, I've only been able to play up through six. I have however played the ones that weren't released in America.

Oh well, I don't guess anyone is making you read them are they? ;)
Well, I certainly enjoyed your last joke about the bear on the roof!! :D

There have been a lot of good jokes posted here.....keep them coming folks!!

I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Walmart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time; but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned, and was that the reason for my being hospitalized.

I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the big guy was going to have to stagger out the door he was laughing so hard.

A man wakes up one morning in Anchorage to find a bear on his roof...

That really made me laugh, I'm remembering that one.

---------------------------

The FBI, Scotland Yard, and the LAPD were having a competition: Who could find a rabbit that had been released into the forest the fastest.

The FBI set up surveillence and questioned key witnesses and proved there was no rabbit.

Scotland yard looked for about ten minutes then burned down the forest. They said it had it coming to him.

The LAPD looked for a few minutes and came out with a badly beaten bear saying "Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A man walks into a bar, he has a few drinks and leaves.

The next four days pass without anything of any particular relevance happening.

Then, on a hot day he walks into an ice cream parlour.

"I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream" he says.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we've had a run on chocolate and we just ran out. We've got 30 other flavours, so so feel free to choose one of them" replied the clerk.

"Oh well, I guess I'll just have a quart of chocolate then."

"Perhaps you didn't hear me. We're completely out of chocolate ice cream, but I'll be happy to sell you another flavour."

"Oh. Better make it just a pint of chocolate then."

The clerk has had enough at this point and says, "Listen, spell the 'VAN' in 'vanilla'."

The man is puzzled, but replies "V-A-N".

"OK, now spell the 'STRAW' in 'strawberry' says the clerk.

The man slowly replies, "S-T-R-A-W", still not sure what he's up to.

"OK, now spell the "FUCK" in 'chocolate'."

He looks at him and says, "There's no 'fuck' in chocolate!'

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

An elderly gentleman is taken to a nursing home by his son and asked to sit on the couch in the waiting room while the paperwork is being handled.

After a few minutes of sitting there, he begins to lean left. One of the orderlies notices this, and props a pillow on his left to keep him straight.

A few minutes later, he starts to lean right. Again, an orderly comes and props him up with a pillow.

He then starts to slump backward, and sure enough, the orderly comes and puts a pillow behind him so he's sitting straight.

About this time his sone comes back and says "So dad, what do you think so far?"

And the elderly gentleman answers "Well it seems okay, but they won't let me fart!"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the
bags?"

"Sand" answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike." The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks "What have you got?"

"Sand" says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's
driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says: "Bicycles."

Apologies in advance for this joke:


There was once a bus conductor who was good at his job.

He worked at it for a long time, and after several years of this, he ended up getting really dissatisfied.

One day, he went into work, and the first person who asked him for money had 3 screaming children. They just wouldn't shut up, no matter what he did.
The next person didn't have change, and had to break a £20. By this point the Conductor was just fuming.
"One more person pisses me off today," he says "and I swear I'm going to slaughter the whole damn bus!"
Sure enough, the next person who he asks didn't have any money at all. He flipped, pulled out a machete, and killed everyone on board.

He was taken away, and the Judge, apalled by the severity of his crime, issues the Death Sentence.

So he lives in Death Row for a few years before finally being led to the Electric Chair.

The executioner asked him what he wanted for his last meal. "A green banana" says the man. So the executioner hands him a green banana. He very deliberately eats it, before being led away.
He straps him into the machine, and turns the electricity on. After a minute, they shut the machine down. The man is sitting there, completely unharmed. "Hmm... maybe the machine's on the blink. We'll try again tomorrow."

So the next day, they try again, and again ask him what he wants as his last meal. Again, the man asks for a green banana. One again, he eats it, they strap him in, and again, leaving it on for a minute, the man is there, completely unharmed.

This follows on for the next week, each time the man eating a green banana, then the electrocution failing.

Eventually they decide they're going to have to try the lethal injection.

This is going to be a different executioner, so the first executioner says to the man "can I just ask you one thing?"
"Sure" says the doomed man.
"What's your secret? What is it about the bananas that makes you invulnerable to electrocution?"
"Nothing," says the man "I'm just a bad conductor."

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

I remember this isn't the full joke - there's two telegrams sent to the wrong people in the original of which this is one.

Anyway, I've enjoyed quite a few of the jokes in this thread.

A chemist, a plumber, and an electrician were on death row waiting for the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

"No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch, and nothing happened.

Under state law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the plumber was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?"

"No, just get on with it."

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the plumber was released.

Then the electrician was brought forward.

"Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner.

"Yes," replied the electrician. "If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work."

What's the difference between a dog?

One of its legs is both the same.

I remember this isn't the full joke - there's two telegrams sent to the wrong people in the original of which this is one.

Anyway, I've enjoyed quite a few of the jokes in this thread.

What's the full joke?

I've only ever heard the above version. I'm curious now!


-----------------


A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, "Has my brother been in here today?"

"I don't know, what does he look like?" replies the barman.

A man goes into a bar, and doesn't see a big pile of shit on the floor. He steps in it, slips over backwards and hits his head on the floor.

Dragging himself to his feet he staggers over to the bar and orders a drink.

A little while later a huge bodybuilder strides into the bar. He does the same thing and slips over on the big pile of shit.

As the bodybuilder gets to his feet the first man laughs and says "I did that!"

Here's another of my favourites:

A man goes into a bar. He buys a pint of Carlsberg, and noticing his shoes are slightly scuffed, decides to buy new ones later that week. Although this really has no relevance.

While in the bar, he looks around and sees next to him a man, a normal looking man, except he has a small orange instead of a head.

"I hope you on't think me rude, but I was just wondering how you got that small orange as a head?" he asked.

"Well, it's a long story...you still wanna hear it?" replied the man.

"Sure."

"OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across this lamp. Naturally I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."

"Wow! What did you wish for?"

"Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need..."

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah, I'm buying everyone in the bar a drink tonight. My second wish was to have all the best, fastest car in the whole world."

"Did you get it?"

"Yeah, have a look outside, that baby on the kerb is mine!"

"Wow! Amazing! What was your third wish?"

"To have a small orange instead a head."

A travelling salesman has his car break down late one night and so he walkes a few miles down the road until he finds a old farmhouse. He goes up knocks on the door and the old farmer answers.

"Sir, my car broke down a few miles up the road," he begins, "would it be possible for me to stay here tonight and call for a tow truck in the morning?"

"Certainly," answers the old farmer, "but you will have to share a room with my son."

"Your son?" says the salesman shocked, "I'm sorry. I must be in the wrong joke."

A penguin brings his car into the dealership for repairs because it's leaking oil horribly. The service writer tells him it'll be awhile before the mechanic can come back with a diagnosis, and that he should head across the street to the icr cream parlor to wait.

So the penguin goes to the ice cream parlor and has a cone, then returns to the dealership.

The service writer explains "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

"No!" says the penguin, wiping his beak. "That's just ice cream."

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on
talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.The
president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to
save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was
surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and
said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow
morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way
and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive
that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at
the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet
made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she
and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the
president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because
I bet him $100,000 that at around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be
holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada."

What's the full joke?

I've only ever heard the above version. I'm curious now!

Amm...I don't remember the full version though.

:(

In recompense...

A man working in a pickle slicing factory confesses something to his wife one day.
"I can't explain it", he says, "but I've this urge to stick my penis in the pickle slicer"
The wife urges him to see a therapist before he comes to harm but he says he's just too embarrassed and he'll deal with it by himself.
One day he returns, ashen faced...
"I did it", he says.
"What happened?" cries his wife
"I was fired"
"No, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired as well."

A man goes into a bar, and then boards a plane, as he is a pilot. As they took off he was sitting in the cockpit and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

A woman wanted a new wardrobe, so she went to a DIY store and bought a wardrobe for her bedroom. She took it home and built it. The trouble was that she lived near a train track and whenever a train came past the wardrobe collapsed.

She went back to the store and complained, so a repair man came from the store to see what the problem was. He came in and was there just in time to see the train pass and the wardrobe collapse. He decided to rebuild the cupboard and sit inside it to see if he could stop it from collapsing. So he built it again and got inside, and just then the woman's husband got home. He came into the bedroom where he saw the cupboard. He opened it up and the man was sitting inside. "What are you doing here?" he said angrily. The repair man replied "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavour it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavour is that?'

The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.'

'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.'

'Very good,' she says again.

Then she gives them all a honey flavour. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.'

Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

he boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.

They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.

The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Hells Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said

"He wasn't much of a man was he?"

"No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"

An guy in his Hummer is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some maniac is driving the wrong way down the motorway."

"It's worse than that!" he replies "There are hundreds of them!"

This guy walks in to a bar. The very first thing he notices is a large jar filled with dollar coins. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar here for?" the bartender replies,"I'f you put a dollar in I'll tell you." The man puts a dollar in and the bartender says "There is a donkey out the back, he's been crying since the day we bought him. I'f you can stop him from crying you get all the money in the jar." The man goes out the back and comes back only seconds later and the donkey is laughing. The bartender asks "How the hell did you do it?" The man replies "Secret." takes the money and leaves.

Two years later the man comes back and sees the dollar jar full again. He puts a dollar in and asks "Stop the donkey from laughing?". The bartender says "I'f you think you can?". The man goes out the back and again seconds later the donkey is crying. The man comes out and takes the money. "I've got to know how you do it." the bartender says. The man replies "Well the first time I told him my dick's bigger than his and the second time I showed him."

Two men are watching this as they drink sit and drink.

One of them starts to insult the other.

In a loud voice he screams "I slept with your mother."

The bar gets quiet as everyone listens for what the other man will say.

Again the first man screams " Didn't you hear me? I said I slept with your mother. And she was crap!"

To which the second man replies "Go home dad, you're drunk".

What's a Shitszu?

A zoo with no animals.

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for
his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . .
look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now,
don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step
aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."

The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two
old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm
taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says
to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll
have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race
gets domain of the chicken coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old
man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head
start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck
"Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds
later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the
front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his
shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly
shakes his head and says, "Dang it!, third gay rooster I bought
this week!"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then, he noticed close by some bones on the ground and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

A man walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm, he puts in on the counter and bets anyone in the pub that they can't find an instrument too hard for the octupus to play. The bet stands at £50.

The first drinker to have a go brings the octopus a trumpet. The octupus takes it and without hesitation plays a tune Louis Armstrong would have been proud of.

Secondly a man comes up and hands the octopus an electric quitar. Again the pub is amazed by the skill as the octupus plays a perfect rendition of Hendrix's along the watchtower.

The octupus' owner pockets the money and is about to leave when a scotsman comes in and puts a set of bagpipes on the bar. The octopus picks them up. Looking very puzzled he fumbles with it for a bit. With delight the scotsman says! "Aha, ya canne play it can ye?!" The octopus looks at him and says

"Play it? I'm gonna have sex it when I work out how to get its pyjamas off!"

A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman: "Have you got any bread?"

Astonished at the sight of the talking duck the man replies "No mate we're a pub, we dont sell bread."

"Ok then" says the duck and walks to the pub door.

The duck then turns around, and walks back to the bar and says "Excuse me mate have you got any bread?"

The barman replies "Look, we're a pub we dont sell bread, we sell bitter, lager, wine and so on," so the duck says "Ok" and walks to the pub door.

The duck then stops, turns around walks back to the bar and repeats "Excuse me mate have you got any bread?"

The barman (getting a bit pissed off now) says "Look, if you ask for bread one more time I'm going to nail your beak to this counter! Now screw off!"

The duck, scared by the mans anger runs off to the pub door and hides peeking around the side of the door.

He then bravely walks back up to the counter and asks "Excuse me mate, have you got any nails?"

"NO!!!!" says the barman in a rage.

"Well in that case then, have you got any bread?"

A man was amazed to see a dog buying meat for his owner in a butcher's because not only did he appear to check the quality of the meat, but he noticed that the butcher short-changed him and growled until he was given the right money. Intrigued, the man followed the dog from the shop and saw him help an old lady across the road with her shopping. The man then followed the dog to his owner's house and couldn't believe his eyes when the dog stood up on his hind legs to ring the doodbell. The dog's owner came to the door, took the shopping from the dog and kicked him into the garden. The man watching was horrified and called out to the owner, "I can't believe you kicked that amazing dog - he does your shopping, checks your change and even helps old ladies across the road!"

"I know," the owner replied, "but that's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."

What's green and brown with six legs and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A snooker table

What has four legs and an arm?

A happy rottweiler.

What do you call an Aardvark with a black eye and broken teeth?

A Vark

Dude...

A man runs into a police station shouting "you've got to help me, someone's stolen my camel!"

Calm down says a policeman, we'll have to take a statement from you.

The man gathers himself and replies, "ok, I rode the camel to Sainsbury's, tied it up outside and went in to do my shopping, I was only gone 10 minutes then when I came out it was gone, someone had stolen it!"

"Ok" says the policeman, "give us a description of the camel and we'll do our very best to find it."

The man has a little think then says, "it was brown in colour, it had one hump on its back and it was female."

The policeman stops writing, looks up and asks "but how did you know it was female sir?"

The man says, because everytime I ride around on it, people stop and point and shout "look at the **** on that camel!"

Dude...

hehe pun city!


Aaaaanyway:


A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Liar!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

How do you make a crow fly?

You don't need to, it has the natural facility to do so by itself, through a system of bones, skin and muscle fashioned into wings. It of course cannot do this if it has been run over, or been thrashed against a wall by a drunk tramp.

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. It's language offended hardened sailors.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of blue words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult involving his mother, a goat and the local vicar the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language....could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

A man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. It's language offended hardened sailors.

On the first day the man played the parrot soothing music and put its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of blue words.

On the fourth day he snapped and after a particularly creative insult involving his mother, a goat and the local vicar the man grabbed the parrot and thrust him into the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot continued unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped out and was strangely silent and then said:

"I am most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you earlier with my choice language....could I just ask......what did the chicken do?"

http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff315/Sarothai/Smileys/Great.gif

A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise the man is drunk.

"Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs and help him."

So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,"Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "Over here on your swing"

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please."

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?"

The Guiness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

This guy walks in to a bar. The very first thing he notices is a large jar filled with dollar coins. The man asks the bartender, "What's this jar here for?" the bartender replies,"I'f you put a dollar in I'll tell you." The man puts a dollar in and the bartender says "There is a donkey out the back, he's been crying since the day we bought him. I'f you can stop him from crying you get all the money in the jar." The man goes out the back and comes back only seconds later and the donkey is laughing. The bartender asks "How the hell did you do it?" The man replies "Secret." takes the money and leaves.

Two years later the man comes back and sees the dollar jar full again. He puts a dollar in and asks "Stop the donkey from laughing?". The bartender says "I'f you think you can?". The man goes out the back and again seconds later the donkey is crying. The man comes out and takes the money. "I've got to know how you do it." the bartender says. The man replies "Well the first time I told him my dick's bigger than his and the second time I showed him."

Two men got into an argument about which one had the larger manly endowment. They decided to settle the matter on the bridge over the river outside of town. So, they showed up at midnight on the bridge. Each one lined up against the railing, unzipped and deployed their respective units.

The first one said, “Damn, that water sure is cold!”

To which the second replied, “Yeah, and it’s deep too!”

List of 10 famous Canadans
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Canadia and Canadans are mostly known for living in igloos in the north, being close to America, being gay, having police dressed in brightly colored uniforms to make them look gay, "Newfies", trailer park meth labs (see "Newfies"), hating freedom, using the metric system, being gay, saying "hoser" and "eh?", eating Canadian bacon and drinking maple syrup, being gay, frolicking with the beavers, geese, and moose, having sex with said animals, being gay, being America's hat, hockey, Celine Dion, milk in bags, harvesting beavers for gay clothing, being gay, having lots of basement dwellers, being the last survivng red menace that could pose a threat to liberty and act as a haven to draft dodgers, being gay, Space Moose, backward thinking and irrational fears, sodemy, and Dudley Do-Right.

Canadians are also known for their inability to tolerate temperatures above -47C and will begin to melt if the temperature of their immediate environment ever climbs above that mark.

Learn to spell.
And you put two names in your list of stupid "things CanadIans are famous for" paragraph.:upyours:

A bonanza of one-liners! Great for awkward silences at parties! Or just to pass the time while you're having your feet measured in a shoe shop!



Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say he topped himself.


-------------------


A man goes into the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

The Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


-------------------


"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of home".

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Its not unusual…"


-------------------


Guy goes into the doctors, "Doc I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start!"


-------------------


Two elephants walk off a cliff.

Boom Boom!

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up," chirped the parrot "what have you done with the ship?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist
wearing only cling film shorts.
The Shrink says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts".


-------------------


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day,
but I couldn't find any.


-------------------


I went into the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, " No, the steaks are too high".


-------------------


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.


-------------------


I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.


-------------------


Two elephants fall off a cliff and a man walks into a drumkit.

Boom Boom Ksh!

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, " Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go For it!"


-------------------


Police arrested two kids yesterday, ones was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.


-------------------


"You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen, it said, 'parking fine' That was nice!"


-------------------


A man walked into the doctors, saying "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The Doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."


-------------------


A man walks into a drumkit carrying two bricks.

Careful, dickhead - that's expensive!

3 guys are washed up on the shore of a tiny deserted island after their ship sinks, a doctor, a priest and a lawyer. There's no food or water, but they have hope when they realize the mainland is in sight.

Only one problem: a VERY large shark fin has been circling the island since they arrived.

Eventually, they begin starving and realize that something must be done so the priest gets up and says "I'm confident that the Lord will protect me from the shark. I'll swim to the mainland and get help to come for you guys." So he gets into the water and starts to swim. Only a few dozen yards out the shark darts after him and eats him in a single bite.

After a while, hunger overcomes fear and the doctor decides to try. "I know if we don't do something soon our bodies will be too weakened form hunger so Im' going to try now." He gets a running start and jumps into the sea, swimming for all he's worth. Unfortunately the shark is much faster and eats him in a single bite.

Eventually the lawyer decides he has nothing to lose and prefers a quick death from a shark bite to the slow death of starvation, so he gets in the water. Immediately the shark comes for him, but instead of eating him it gets under him and carries the lawyer on its back all the way to the shore of the mainland, depositing him safely on the beach.

The lawyer, astonished, turns to teh shark and says "but... why?"

And the shark replies, "Professional courtesy."

A chick without arms and legs is on a beach. A man walks by and sees her crying. He asks, "why are you crying?". "Because I've never been kissed". So he says "Ok, I'll kiss you." He kisses her and says: "There, now you've been kissed". He walks away.

A few hours later he comes back and the chick is still there, and again she's crying. "Why are you crying now?, I already kissed you" She goes: "I've never been fucked". He picks her up and throws her in the ocean, "now you're fucked".

A duck walks into a pharmacy gets a tube of chapstick and puts in on the counter.

The Pharmacist says how are you going to pay?

The duck says put in on my bill.

A couple of days later the duck comes back and ask the Pharmacist for some condoms.

The Pharmacist says do you want me to put that on your bill?

The duck replies no I'm not that kind of duck.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said, " Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster. Go For it!"


-------------------


Police arrested two kids yesterday, ones was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other off.


-------------------


"You know somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen, it said, 'parking fine' That was nice!"


-------------------


A man walked into the doctors, saying "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The Doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore."


-------------------


A man walks into a drumkit carrying two bricks.

Careful, dickhead - that's expensive!

Tim Vine, right?

Grow up. Leave such petty theological comments out of a thread obviously not intended to include them.

I have a joke, which may or may not be familiar to some:

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and The British authorities, off the Scottish North coast. The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S. NAVY : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

U.S. NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. **** off!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Freakin applause!

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

*snip*

Lol, good one.

The UN recently sent out a questionnaire to people in many different countries. They asked "Please would you give us your honest opinion on what would be the best solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

Unfortunately, the questionnaire was a complete failure and very few responses were received. Sadly, nobody in Africa understood what "food" meant; nobody in Eastern Europe understood what "honest" meant; nobody in western Europe understood what "shortage" meant; nobody in the Middle East understood what "solution" meant; nobody in China understood what "opinion" meant; nobody in Latin America understood what "please" meant and nobody in the USA understood what "the rest of the world" meant!

The UN recently sent out a questionnaire to people in many different countries. They asked "Please would you give us your honest opinion on what would be the best solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

Unfortunately, the questionnaire was a complete failure and very few responses were received. Sadly, nobody in Africa understood what "food" meant; nobody in Eastern Europe understood what "honest" meant; nobody in western Europe understood what "shortage" meant; nobody in the Middle East understood what "solution" meant; nobody in China understood what "opinion" meant; nobody in Latin America understood what "please" meant and nobody in the USA understood what "the rest of the world" meant!

LMAO!

1)Infamous Giant Talking Frog Of Rumia
Rumia is a small village in northern Poland, situated about halfway between Hell and some other town situated twice as far from Hell as Rumia. In Rumia, there is a small, shallow and muddy lake. The Lake is the home of Infamous Giant Talking Frog of Rumia. Once every thousand years, the Frog emerges from the lake. Once it has sat on the sands of the lake's shore, it looks to the left, it looks to the right... and then, it speaks! And do you know what it says?

...

...

...

"You can all kiss my ass!"

2)Uncle Stan's brilliant riposte (version Anglophone-friendly)

Johny went to the circus, and by some twist of fate, he sat in a front row. The show has begun, and Mocking Clown appeared on the stage. He approaches Johny and asks:
"Johny, are you a slim donkey?"
"No..."
"So you, Johny, are fat ass! MWAHAHA!" (laughed the clown mockingly)
So Johny, weeping, went home.
"Dad, I was to the circus, but the Mocking Clown..."
"Johny, tomorrow you're goingthere again."
"But... The Clown..."
"Don't worry. Uncle Stan The Master Of Brilliant Riposte will be there with you."
And so they went and sat in the front row, and when the Mocking Clown saw them, he approached them and asked:
"I see my friend Johny here! Johny, are you a slim donkey?"
And then, Uncle Stan The Master Of Brilliant Riposte says:
"Fuck off."

A homage to Uncle Stan (http://www.spierdalaj.org/)

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

About 20 years a go two good friends, a Russian and a Czeck, decided to go hunting in the deep forest. They were at it all day and that night, were so exhausted they both went to sleep early, and kept no watch.

A pair of bears (a male and female), smelling the humans, went to their camp and ate them.

After they'd been missing for several days a search party was dispatched and the campsite found, with clear evidence that there had been a bear attack. The villagers decided to hunt the bears and put them down, in the hope of avoiding future attacks on people. They hunted the bears down and killed them, opening them up to be sure it was the right pair.

Sure enough, when the opened the large female bear the found the remains of the Russian hunter inside. The question was, where was the other fellow? Answer:


....

....

....

....

"The Czeck's in the male!"

A guy with a black eye sits down next to another guy on an airplane, then notices that the other guy has a black eye as well.

"How did you get your black eye?" he says.

"I was purchasing my plane tickets and the lady at the desk was extremely well endowed so I accidentally asked for two pickets to titsburgh. She punched me in the eye."

The first guys says, "that's funny! That's almost the same way it happened to me. My wife and I were sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to ask her to pass the milk but I accidentally said 'you fuckin bitch, you ruined my life!'"

A man walkes into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm:

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks

"Yes" comes the reply.

"Thank God," says the man "It's his birthday today."

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No!"

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

A man goes into a bar.

It's Saint Peter. He's off on his break from the pearly gates so Jesus is currently standing in for him. An old man shuffled up to Jesus.

"Name?" said Jesus.
"Joseph" replied the old man.
"Occupation?" asked Jesus.
"Carpenter" replied the old man.
"And did you have a son?" asked Jesus.
"Yes, I did" said the old man.
"Describe him" said Jesus.
"Well", said the old man "he was strange and childlike and he had nails in his hands and feet".
Jesus looked at the old man and said "Father?!"
The old man peered back and said...

"..... Pinocchio?"

A man went to see an agent as he wanted a career in showbusiness. The agent agreed the man was very talented and agreed he could go a long way. Despite this the agent would not take on the actor unless he was prepared to change his name.

Somewhat aghast the actor refused stating that his name, Penis Van Lesbian, was a name that had been in his family for generations and he was not going to change it.

Ten years later the agent received a letter from the would be actor saying that he had taken the agents advice and changed his name, with the result being that he had become a famous actor and made millions. Because of this he had enclosed a cheque for £100,000

He then signed the letter

Yours sincerely

Dick Van Dyke

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

10:

1 to hold the bulb in place and the other 9 to drink until the room spins.

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

"We even called up Mavis, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

"Yep." the old man replied, "And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body”

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,

“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention”

A man goes to see his doctor because he's having trouble with his hearing.

"What are the symptons?" asks the doctor.

"They're a yellow cartoon family." says the man.

A plane was about to crash and there were only three parachutes between the four passengers.

The first man said "I'm Kobe Bryant, America's most important basketballer, I MUST survive" he then grabbed a parachute and jumped from the plane.

The second man said "I'm George W. Bush, America's most intelligent ever President, I too MUST survive" he grabbed the next parachute & jumped from the plane also.

The third man was the Pope and he turned to the fourth passenger, a ten year old boy, and said "I am old, my son, my time is nearly up and I believe you have more to offer the world than I do so I shall give you the the third parachute, save yourself."

The ten year old boy replied "Thank you for your offer old man but there's still two left - America's most intelligent President just took my school backpack!"

One night a father was walking past his young son's bedroom when he heard his son praying:

"God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

His father thougbt this was strange, but said nothing about it. He was shocked the next day when the boy's grandpa had a heart attack and died.

The father wrote it off as mere coincidence. That night he walks past his son's bedroom to hear:

"God bless mummy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma."

And sure enough, the next day the boy's grandma was hit by a bus and died.

That night the father walks up to his son's bedroom and hears:

"God bless mummy, good bye daddy."

Now the father was really worried and went to work very carefully. Every loud noise he heard he jumped. Every time he crossed the street he had to check four times there was nothing coming. By the end of the day he felt awful. He came home and with a sigh of relief leaned against the wall, feeling safe at last. He said to his wife: "You'll never believe the day I just had!"

And she said "You think you had a bad day? This morning the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep!"

A coach full of nuns go over a cliff and they all die. They find themselves in a queue outside the Pearly Gates. St Peter suddenly appears and approaches the nun at the head of the queue and says "Sister before I can let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. Have you ever touched a mans penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once touched the end of a man's penis with the tip of her finger.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending finger into a nearby font of holy water and pass on into Heaven.

St Peter then turns to the next nun in the queue and asks the same question. "Sister before I can allow you into Heaven you must answer one question, have you ever touched a man's penis?"

The nun blushes and admits to having once held a man's penis in the palm of her hand.

St Peter smiles and tells the nun to dip the offending hand into the nearby font of holy water and to pass on into Heaven.

At that moment there is a commotion at the back of the queue and a nun is seen sprinting from the back of the queue all the way to the front. St Peter looks perplexed and asks the nun what in heaven's name was she up to?

The nun looks at St Peter guiltily and replies " If I've got to gargle with that holy water I want to do it before Sister Mary has to dip her arse in it."

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about full up at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"

The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."

"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.

"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."

St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."

The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

The End is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"

A man sat listening to flood warnings on his radio on a stormy night. He was a religious man so he did not worry.

The storms came, the rains came. the rains continued and slowly the waters began to rise.

It continued raining, the waters now flooded his ground floor. The whole town was flooded. The emergency services began evacuating the residents.

Rescuers in a boat knocked at his door and urged him to jump into the boat and to be taken to a place of safety.

He steadfastly refused. "God will save me, rescue others whose need is greater than mine".... The rescuers left.

The rains continued unabatedly. The waters continued to rise. By now the flood waters were 10ft high and the man was forced to go upstairs. He was Kneeling and praying when he heard a banging on the window.

"come on, get into the boat and we will take you to higher ground." the rescuers shouted.

"No!.. I'm ok, I have faith in God, he will save me, go and rescue others who are in more need." He replied. The rescuers left....

The storms continued into the night and so the flood waters continued rising. By now the waters had risen 20ft and the man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
He was clinging desperately onto the chimney stack.

He was dazzled by a search light from above and a voice from a loudhaler urged him to climb the ladder and board the helicopter to be taken to a place of safety.

He still refused, insisting that his God would save him. .....The helicopter left.

The storm raged on and the waters continued to rise. Sadly the man eventually drowned.....

He died and went to heavan.

As he arrived at the pearly gates, he had to ask God one question, "You know that I've always been a religious man and have lived a righteous life, what I can't understand is, Why didn't you save me from the floods?"

God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what the fuck else did you want?"

A young Catholic man wants to make love to his wife one Sunday afternoon, but she refuses, saying that sex is the act of procreation and is thus work, and thus cannot be done on Sunday.

The husband doesn't buy that so the next day he calls a priest to ask if it's really true. The priest thinks about it for a minute ans says "Yes, your wife is right. Sex is work."

Disgruntled the man decides that he needs a better source. After all, what would a proest know about sex? So he goes to a Baptist minister who's married and asks him. The minister thinks about it and says "I'm forced to agree. Sex is work."

So even more disgruntled he decides to go to an ancient, closer to the source opinion and seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi thinks about it and says "Well, sex is definitely play." Overjoyed, the Cathoilc man asks "How do you know?" And the Rabbi says "Because if it was work, my wife would make the maid do it..."

An amish family went to New York and visited all the massive multistorey department stores. They had never left their home before and were spellbound by what they saw.

The father and his son visited a particular store and were fascinated by the lifts , although they did not know what they were or what they did.

"What are those silver things with doors?" said the son.
"I dont know - lets stand here and watch for a while" said the father.

Shortly an old lady on a zimmer frame struggled up to the lift door, pressed the call button and went in. 30 seconds later the door opened and out stepped a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out wearing a mini skirt and legs up to her armpits.

"Quick!" said the father to his son "Go and get your mother!"

A shy guy sees a beautiful lady in a bar. After an hour of summoning up the courage, he goes over and asks tentatively:

"Um, would you mind if I chatted to you for a while?"

She immediately yells: "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar stares at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you," she smiles "I'm a psychology student and I'm seeing how people respond to an embarrassing situation."

To which the man responds, at the top of his lungs: "What do you mean, £200?"

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first cleansing of a slacker, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker was doing here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Delivering pizza."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had
disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing
so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said
the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came
here in the first place."

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but how do you get them in the bulb?

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Haha! Nice!

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, I will just sit here in the dark, by myself...

So a Jew and a Korean guy are sitting in a bar.

After a few drinks, the Jew, for no apparent reason, hauls off and hits the Korean guy, and knocks him off his stool. The Korean guy picks himself up, looks at the Jew and says, "Why the hell did you hit me?"

The Jew answers, "That was for Pearl Harbor!"

The Korean says, "Hey, I'm Korean! It was the Japanese that attacked Pearl Harbor!"

"Ach," says the Jew, "Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference."

The Korean guy sits back down, fuming, then, suddenly, he hits the Jew, and knocks him off his stool.

"Wow," says the Jew, "why did you do that?"

The Korean guy looks at him, and says, "That was for the Titanic!"

"The Titanic?" says the Jew, "That was sunk by an iceberg!"

"Ehy," says the Korean guy, "Iceberg, Goodberg, Rosenberg, what's the difference!"

How to make instant easter:

Two boards and a jew.

The Goldberg brothers were the inventors of the car air conditioner. They showed their invention to Henry Ford, who was very impressed and wanted to put it in all his cars. But he balked when they said they wanted their name on it, saying "I won't have a Jew name on the dashboard of my car!" and, Henry Ford being Henry Ford, he made some further anti-Semitic remarks that just about blew the whole deal. But the lawyers negotiated, and finally it was agreed that the brothers could get their first names. And that is why Ford air conditioners read:

NORM HI MAX

What's green and brown with six legs and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A snooker table

a pool table?

Long, but pretty good:On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ...

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

:rolleyes:

Seriously, all of these jokes you've been posting aren't that funny.

A man wakes up one morning in Anchorage to find a bear on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."


I dunno, that one was pretty good.

Warning: Sexist humor. If you don't pitch a fit about this I promise to not blow up about the jokes here that I have found off-color or downright offensive.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me...”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Fancy Dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Fancy Party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate."

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.


A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:



"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.


A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

"I knew a man with a wooden leg named Pete."

"What was the name of his other leg?"

"Mom, I don't like this!"
"Shut up and eat, in 20 years time you'll be pissing off your wife telling her how good a cook i was!"

"Mom, dad is bad!"
"Shut up and eat!"

"Dad, how far is America?"
"Shut up and swim!"

"Dad, why is grandma running zig-zag?"
"Shut up and keep firing!"

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.<SNIP>

I originally heard that one with urine samples.

Long, but pretty good:<snip>

Funny, I've been thinking about posting this joke a day or two ago.

@ Velka Morava:

"Johny, don't swing Daddy!
Johny, don't swing Daddy!
...
JOHNY!
Daddy didn't hang himself to be swung!"

Q: What's the best way to look at mother-in-law?
A: Through sights.

How do you make a clown cry?




Rape his kids!

A tribe in the deep Amazon decides to send a representative to Russia to act as an ambassador. He's warmly received and immediately becomes good friends with the Russian ambassador. The Russian ambassador likes him so much he teaches him the classic game of Russian Roulette. This fascinates the ambassador from the Amazon and he's inspired to go home and create his own version.

6 months later the ambassador from Russia travels to the Amazon to meet with his friend in his home tribal village. The Amazon ambassador is pleased to see his Russian friend and takes him to see his new game-Amazon Roulette. They enter a tent, and on the floor sitting in a circle are 6 beautiful nude women. The Amazon ambassador explains that to play the game, all you have to do is select one of the women and she will give you oral sex.

The Russian ambassaador frowns. "Where's the danger? Where's the risk?" he asks, dismayed.

And his Amazon friend says:

...


....


.....


......


"One of these women is a cannibal."

New research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends on how many of them want to keep you in the dark!

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

"Mom, I don't like this!"
"Shut up and eat, in 20 years time you'll be pissing off your wife telling her how good a cook i was!"

"Mom, dad is bad!"
"Shut up and eat!"

"Dad, how far is America?"
"Shut up and swim!"

"Dad, why is grandma running zig-zag?"
"Shut up and keep firing!"

"Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles!"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor"

I have strange family members who corrupt me terribly.

Whats the difference between 1000 dead babies and a corvette?
I don't have a corvette in my garage.

how do you fit 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
blender
how do you get them out?
nachos

Whats worse than 20 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 20 trash cans

Three 12 year olds were standing outside a bar.
The first walks in and asks for a pint of beer.
The Barman replies: "No. You're too young."

The second walked in and asked for a pint of beer.
The barman replies: "No! You're too young!"

The third walked in and asked for a pint of beer.
The barman, who was getting very frustrated by now, said: "Through the door to your right, there's a table holding a pile of dirty dog scabs. If you eat that pile of dog scabs, I'll give you a pint o' beer."

The boy walked into that room, and sure enough, there was a pile of horrible, dirty dog scabs. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an empty packet of smoky bacon flavour crisps, stuffed the pile of scabs into it and threw it out of the window. The barman saw that he had eaten the pile of scabs, and - even though he had been joking - gave the boy a pint of beer, because he felt sorry for him.

The boy, satisfied, walked outside and said to his friends: "Guess what! I just had a pint of beer!"
His friends replied: "So what? We just had a free packet of smoky bacon crisps!"

Whats the difference between 1000 dead babies and a corvette?
I don't have a corvette in my garage.

how do you fit 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
blender
how do you get them out?
nachos

Whats worse than 20 dead babies in a trash can?
1 dead baby in 20 trash cans

I don't like to trash other people's jokes but the dead baby ones are oooooooold.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?


Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

THE CAT:
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

Weeks later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Pub tips:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right

Heaven and Hell:

Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians

Anti-Terrorism signs.

These are awesome!

http://www.msxnet.org/humour/terror_alert

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer


Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's
fainted!"

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.






Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane
was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with
only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he
drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of
100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's
been drinking."

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Jones! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Jones' house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Jones and leave.
The phone rings at Jones' house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of
lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His
partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a bigger one and a smaller one, and I told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 300 people to give up drugs forever."

"300 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwartz is dead!"

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

So a Buddhist jumps from a plane he pulls the cord of his parachute but the chute doesn't open. So he pulls the emergency back up, but that chute doesn't open either. He cries "Save me Buddha!" And the hand of Buddha extends and catches him. The Buddhist says "Thank God." And Buddha drops him

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

lol

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer


Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted
thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by
accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide
do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe
tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating
and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body
electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawl means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream,
lake and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the
contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused
millions of dollars in property damage in the Midwest, and recently
California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

- as an industrial solvent and coolant
- in nuclear power plants
- in the production of styrofoam
- as a fire retardant
- in many forms of cruel animal research
- in the distribution of pesticides; even after washing, produce remains
contaminated by this chemical
- as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be
done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on
wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production and
distribution chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation". In fact, the navy and other military organizations are
conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar
devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of
military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly
sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large
quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination!

DAMN that water! BAN IT NOW!!!!!! It's for the children.

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP!"

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and 85,000$ He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

I like this one:

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

"Did you hear a group of scientist found a way to slow down the aging process?"

"No, how did they do that?"

"They sent it to Congress."

So a blonde is on a plane with a smart lawyer. The lawyer sees an opportunity to make money. He proposes a bet with the blonde that both ask a question each and if you don't know the answer you give $50 to the other. The blonde says that she is not interested. After a while, the lawyer increases the odds to $100 if the lawyer cannot answer and $50 if the blonde cannot answer. Blonde still refuses. After a while, the lawyer, confident on his smartness, increases the odds to 500:50. The blonde agrees on the condition that she gets to ask the question first.

She asks "What goes up in 4 legs and comes down in 3 legs?"

The lawyer thinks and think and cannot come up with an answer.

He hands the blonde $500 and asks what the answer is.

The blonde hands back $50.

So a blonde is on a plane with a smart lawyer. The lawyer sees an opportunity to make money. He proposes a bet with the blonde that both ask a question each and if you don't know the answer you give $50 to the other. The blonde says that she is not interested. After a while, the lawyer increases the odds to $100 if the lawyer cannot answer and $50 if the blonde cannot answer. Blonde still refuses. After a while, the lawyer, confident on his smartness, increases the odds to 500:50. The blonde agrees on the condition that she gets to ask the question first.

She asks "What goes up in 4 legs and comes down in 3 legs?"

The lawyer thinks and think and cannot come up with an answer.

He hands the blonde $500 and asks what the answer is.

The blonde hands back $50.

?

?

The blonde doesn't know the answer (if there is one) either. She just manipulated it so she got given $450.

?

The punchline is in invisible text. You have to highlight it to see it.

The blonde doesn't know the answer (if there is one) either. She just manipulated it so she got given $450.

oh, haha thats funny,

*scratches head*

The punchline is in invisible text. You have to highlight it to see it.

Yes...I thought that was the norm in this thread :p

How many Spaniards does it take to change in a light bulb?

How many Spaniards does it take to change in a light bulb?

A couple really tiny ones?

How many Spaniards does it take to change in a light bulb?

That depends, are they from Barcelona?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I don't give a ****! Stop asking stupid questions!

Several people are standing in line to enter the Pearly Gates, and get issued their personal transportation while in Heaven.

The first man walks up to St. Peter who checks his log for this man's record. "Ah," he says, "I see you've lived your life with honor and piety. You never once cheated on your wife. You will be issued a brand new Corvette!" The man happily accepts the keys and goes to find his new car.

The next man walks up and St. Peter checks his log. "Ah," he says, "I see you cheated on yoru wife once but as you never did it again you will be issued a Honda Accord." The man takes the keys to his new compact car and goes to find it.

The third man walks up and St. Peter checks his log. "Hmm..." He says, "It seems you barely made it up here, as much as you were unfaithful to your wife. I'm afraid you'll be stuck with this old beater." And the man is given the keys to a crappy old Chrysler K car with 200,000 miles on it."

Well he's tooling through Heaven in his beat up old car when he notices the Corvette pulled over, and the driver sitting on the side of the road, crying desperately. He pulls over to go find out what's wrong. "Hey buddy," He says, "What's the matter? What could be so bad?" The Corvette owner sniffles and replies, "I just saw my wife..." This doesn't seem so bad so the Chrysler guy says "What's the problem?" to which the Corvette guy says "She was riding on roller skates..."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." :mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5::mp5: :sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper::sniper:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.... *snip*


Not the best one yet. Try again!

*Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and** **the Blonde team
rode on the top level.**

**The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in
front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the
heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" *

*One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and
whispered... *



*YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!*

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a sex party at a hotel, and Lulu was among them.


The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the
wall.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?' Not willing to
let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the policemen were
there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. 'Why,
that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' and she
proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman w as going down the line asking for information from all of the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow,
still going at it at your age. How do you do it?'

She replied,'Ijust take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them
dry.'

The policeman fainted.

The Mother Superior, sick of all the rumours about the going-ons of her nuns called them all together in the church.
She told them she had heard all the rumours but was prepared to forgive them provided they told the truth and cleansed themselves and their sins with Holy Water.
She asked the first nun, "Have you ever seen a man's penis?"
The first nun meekly answered, "Yes, Mother"
"Then wash your eyes and be on your way!"
The second admitted she had gone so far as touched one.
"Sinner! Wash your hands in the font and be on your way!"
As she went up to the third nun, there was a huge commotion, pushing and shoving, at the back of the line. The Mother Superior was furious.
"What is the meaning of this ruckus!"
A nun stepped forward and answered:
"It's me Mother. I just want to be next so I can gargle with the water before Sister Mary washes her ass in it."

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know
what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
:headbang:

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While
fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have
changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking
about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems
with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

Bob has been experiencing terrible headaches his whole life. We're talking migraine level, debilitating, cerebral pain. He goes to the doctor and gets himself checked out and the doctor, after examining him sits him down in his office and explains.

"It seems your testicles are too large." begins the doctor, "They're pressing back against the base of your spine and causing these headaches. I"m afraid the only solution I can offer is to surgically remove them."

Well as you can imagine Bob is not even SLIGHTLY interested in this solution so he declines, deciding that keeping his testicles is preferable to losing them, even to get rid of the migraines.

But as the years go by the headaches get progressively worse, until finally after lots of soul searching and a long talk with is wife, he decides to have the procedure done.

After he recovers, Bob is having a little trouble maintaining his sense of masculinity so his wife suggests that it might make him feel a little better to go out and buy a nice new set of clothes. He decides that's a good idea so off he goes to the mens' clothing store.

So Bob is looking at getting started with a nice new set of slacks and the attendants comes and asks him if he needs some help. "I need some pants to start with." says Bob. The attendant looks at him for a moment and says "Ok, looks like you wear a 36 waist 32 long." Bob is amazed as the attendant has guessed perfectly. "How did you know?" he asks. "It's my job, sir." the attendant answers simply.

After this, Bob decides to get a new pair of shoes. Again, the attendant looks at his feet and says, "Looks like you'll need a pair of 11s." Again Bob asks, "How did you know?" "It's my job, sir." replies the attendant.

Next it's time for a shirt. "16 inch neck." Says the attendant. Before Bob can ask the attendant adds "It's my job, sir." So they select a shirt.

Finally, Bob decides that he needs some new underwear to go with the clothes, and the attendant looks at him and says "34-36." Bob smiles. "Aha! Wrong on that one, my friend. I wear 30-32s." The attendant, shocked, says "Oh no, sir. You need 34-36. Smaller than that will cause your testicles to press against your spine and cause you terrible headaches."

Golfer & Caddy comments

#10

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"


#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."


#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."


#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."


#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."


#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."


#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."


#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."


#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."


and the#1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

oh, haha thats funny,

*scratches head*

The idea behind the joke is that the lawyer assumes the blond woman is stupid because she's blond, and she proves she's just the opposite(and it has nothing to do with her hair colour.) It's essentially a "turn blond jokes on their head" joke.

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

“Do you take children?” the man asked.

“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will sleep with anybody, a bitch will sleep with anybody but you.

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will sleep with anybody, a bitch will sleep with anybody but you.

Might I suggest changing bitch to a non-gender specific insulting word? That would allow the joke to cover both genders and all sexualities and thus be less offensive and possibly funnier.

I say possibly because I don't think it's funny at all, but that's not the point.

Might I suggest changing bitch to a non-gender specific insulting word? That would allow the joke to cover both genders and all sexualities and thus be less offensive and possibly funnier.

I say possibly because I don't think it's funny at all, but that's not the point.

Meh

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will sleep with anybody, a bitch will sleep with anybody but you.

Might I suggest changing bitch to a non-gender specific insulting word? That would allow the joke to cover both genders and all sexualities and thus be less offensive and possibly funnier.

I say possibly because I don't think it's funny at all, but that's not the point.


Interestingly it comes across as a misogynistic joke but actually it points out the chauvinist attitudes that some men have, I find the joke not so much funny as I find it poignant. There are a lot of arsehole guys out there who have just that attitude: they'll call a girl a bitch or a slut simply because she sleeps around but never with him. As if she should be slagged off simply because she doesn't think he's God's gift to women.

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.


'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend, Jose.

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH Noooooo...I'm Bald too!!!

The telephone rings. It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out.

I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary?

Clinton or O'Bama ???

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat....

I like the way it comes across as a Republican joke making fun of the Democrats, but that actually the joke's on the Republicans, that a Republican joke uses being black, gay, jewish, having a mexican boyfriend, all as intrinsically terrible, awful things, the worst things in the whole world to be.

Yes...I thought that was the norm in this thread :p

I know.

It's just that seeing as he said he didn't understand the ending to the joke I thought he may not have realised the punchline was whited out, seeing as the punchlines are usually only whited out for the one liner jokes, not the long ones.



Anyway:

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy's blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man or woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find
your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and
let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for
the bus with the woman of my dreams."


Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

A man happened to meet his ex-wife at a party, and after a few drinks,
he suggested that they might have another try at marriage. His ex-wife
sneered in reply, "Over my dead body!"

He downed his drink and replied, "Well, I see you haven't changed one
little bit."
------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!

A man goes into a travel agent's:

"I'd like a round-the-world ticket please."

"Where to?"

"Well, back here."

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

Mitch Hedberg quotes:

-I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

-I love escalators, because they can't break down, they can only temporarily become stairs.

-I was at a casino and this guy said "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." As if though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and you have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit.

-I'm sick of following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask where they're going, and hook up with them later.

-I love rice. Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want two thousand of something.

A travelling salesman was passing through a small town in the West when he saw a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the stoop of his house. The little old man looked so contented that the salesman couldn't resist going over and talking to him. "You look as if you don't have a care in the world," the salesman told him. "What is your formula for a long and happy life?" "Well," replied the little old man, "I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night." "My goodness," exclaimed the salesman, "that's just great! How old are you?" "Twenty-five," was the reply.

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes. He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers. He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!" his boss yelled. The salesman replied "Want to buy a toothbrush?"

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

That depends, are they from Barcelona?

ROFLMFAO!!

To make conversation during an appointment, little Johnny's paediatrician asked him "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"
"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.
"Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?"
"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

A couple really tiny ones?

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.

:D

ROFLMFAO!!

I don't get it.

The blonde doesn't know the answer (if there is one) either. She just manipulated it so she got given $450.
I think the problem is that the joke was a bit abbreviated with a hidden answer. Here is the joke as I remember it:

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.


* Also, it is as Kyronea expresses a reverse blonde joke. There are smart blondes. :D

How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to change a light bulb?







Want to go ride bikes?

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away. For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Hahahaha, a good joke, I must say I love the phrasing: "she strips naked from the neck down"

Was she wearing a hat?

I don't get it.

People from Catalunya (Catalonia) are considered complete asses over here. Meaning, incapable even of changing a light bulb. That´s all.;)

People from Catalunya (Catalonia) are considered complete asses over here. Meaning, incapable even of changing a light bulb. That´s all.;)

Aaah.

My Knowledge(Foreign Cultures) rank has grown! Thankyouverymuch.

Aaah.

My Knowledge(Foreign Cultures) rank has grown! Thankyouverymuch.

You´re welcome.

Regional insults, eh? here goes!

The Montanans got tired of the North Dakotans always coming over and messing up the finest state in the Union, so they built a chain-link fence around the entire state. the North Dakotans kept climbing over anyway to see what was on the other side of the fence.

Eventually, the residents of North Dakota got pretty fed up with being unceremoniously chucked back over to their side of the fence, and they decided to blow up the arrogant Montana population. They began throwing dynamite sticks and grenades over to the Montana side of the fence. The Montanans lit the dynamite and pulled the grenade pins and threw the explosives right back.

Still, the Montanans were getting tired of the constant nuisance of the North Dakota attacks, and they decided to wipe out their enemies all in one swift strike. In the middle of the most swelteringly hot and sunny day of August, a crack team of Montanan assassins crept into North Dakota and...

...they placed scratch-and-sniff stickers on the bottom of every North Dakota swimming pool.

I apologize to any North Dakota residents for that joke.

I like this one:

A state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of the truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down the road the driver does the same thing.
A few more miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the driver to explain. The driver says, “Well, the load limit is ten tons, and I’m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I’ve got to keep some of them flying around.”

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

Only in America:

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Curious to see what’s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. A finger from inside suddenly pokes him in the eye and as he reels back he hears everyone inside start chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...
"I know how to get money real quick" says one,” how?"
"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"
So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and
his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.
He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.
"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.
Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.
The milkman replied "Well come and give your real father a big hug!"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G- AHHHH!!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. There is nothing to worry about. Haha, you should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?


None. It'll probably come back on soon.

A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
"The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
"Bass Solo"

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a philosophy course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the day, sir."

"Ah, and why do you say that?" the interviewer was smiling ("I've got you now!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you would only ask one difficult question."

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

Dude... are you copy/pasting these from a site or what?

Dude... are you copy/pasting these from a site or what?

Some of them I write myself from what I can remember, and if I find one on a site that I think is any good, I'll copy and paste it, but I'll usually edit it first if it needs to be.

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of off-colour and 'dumb blonde' jokes, when a well-dressed blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, you jerk! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being?"

"It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your Neanderthal brethren continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs."

"You are a pathetic, misogynistic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little faggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK You spend most of your time in an 6X6 cubicle

@ PRISON You get three meals a day, fully paid for
@ WORK You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK For good behavior, you get more work

@ PRISON The guard unlocks and locks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself

@ PRISON You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK You must pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK They are called "managers"

Now get back to work. :mad: You're not getting paid to surf the net! :headbang:

One-liner:

Take comfort in the knowledge that the people who give you shit are doing so because they are full.

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which
human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should
not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The
body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the
pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and
continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And
three, one day you are going t o be very,very disappointed.

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

Ah yes...

"And here, sine of this angle is 2.5..."
"But, sir, sine can't have bigger value than one!"
"Shut up! Values sine assumes on real battlefields can be even greater!"

Q: What is a puddle?
A: Water basin without strategic meaning.

Q: What is a river?
A: Obstacle exhibiting 100% humidity.

And good ole' Radio Yerevan:
"Is this true that in work camps, there are perfect living conditions?"
"They must be, as one of ours was sent there five years ago, and we didn't hear a single word of complaint since then."

"Is this true, that the poet Mayakovski commited suicide?"
"Yes. We at Radio Yerevan were lucky enough to register his last words: 'Comrades, don't shoot!'."

"Is it possible to introduce socialism in Sahara?"
"Yes, but after first Five Years' Plan sand would be imported."

(American listener) "Is it possible in USSR, that an engineer can buy a car for his monthly salary?"
"And you are beating Negroes."

"What is militsyaman*'s baton?"
"It's beating heart of Party."

(*militiaman, policeman... In original version it was riot police)

An old spinster was sitting in her livingroom, polishing a lamp that she recently aquired at a swap meet. when suddenly, out of the lamp arose a genie.

"Ma'am, for releasing me, I'll grant you 3 wishes."

The old lady thought about it and replied.
"For my first wish, I would like to be young and beautiful."

In a puff of smoke, the old woman was young and stunning.

"For my second wish, I would like to be wealthy"
The genie clapped his hands and riches were laid out in front of her.

Thinking about her last wish, she noticed her old tomcat walking into the room.
"I wish that you turn my cat into a handsome young man."

and suddenly, the cat was gone and in it's place a hansome young man stood. with a smile, he walked over to the woman and held in an embrace as he smiled into her eyes and said...
"Now I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*******************************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*******************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

********************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

********************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************

^ Good one.

Ya, so it's about time for anodder Ole joke, uffda.

So, Ole, Sven, and Lars decided they needed a better job for to get more beer money, ya? So dey vent down to da electric company to get jobs setting up power poles. Dere vas anodder group dere looking to be da new crew, so da supervisor said, "I'll make this a competition. The crew that does the best work tomorrow gets the job."

Ya, so da next day Ole and his friends take da vun truck for to set up da poles and da udder tree guys takes da udder truck. At 5:00 pm, da two crews goes to da supervisor's office to report.

Da udder crew says, "We set 27 power poles today!" and da supervisor, he says, "Good work!"

And Ole, Sven, and Lars say, "We set 3!" the supervisor say, "The other crew set nine times as many poles! What do you have to say for yourselves?" And Ole says back.....

"Ya, but look how much dose lazy bastards left sticking out of da ground!"

Tom works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Tom! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Tom. 'He's in my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Tom if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Tom, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Tommy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Tom's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Tom follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Tom tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Tom, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Keep 'em coming guys :D

Keep 'em coming guys :D

Two more Ole jokes, then. I'm not going to keep trying to type in a fake Scandinavian accent. Too much trouble.

************************************************************

Ole went into the hardware store, and up near the counter he saw a silver cylinder about a foot tall and 4" in diameter. he asked the clerk, "What is this thing for?" and the clerk tells him, "It's a Thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Does it work?" "Oh, yes. It'll keep coffee hot all day or keep iced tea as cold as when it came out of the refrigerator." Ole is amazed and buys one right on the spot.

The next day it's Ole's turn to drive for the carpool, and he stops ar Sven's house. Sven gets in the car and sees the Thermos on the dashboard. "What is that thing?" he asks. "It's a t'ermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Does it work?" "I don't know yet. I bought it yesterday, so I'm testing it. I put in two cups of coffee and an ice cream sandwich this morning."

**********************************************************

Ole has been out cutting trees for firewood, and he's tired of using his old saw to cut the logs. he goes into the hardware store and asks the clerk about new saws. The clerk says, "We don't sell those old ones anymore. Besides, what you need is a chain saw. You can do your work ten times faster with it!"

Ole is impressed by this claim, so he buys one and goes home.

A week later, Ole comes back to the hardware store. He's bent over with pain and fatigue. "I think this chainsaw you sold me is broken. It takes forever to cut through the smallest logs!" the clerk is understandably concerned, and asks to look at the chainsaw. Ole hands it to him, and he looks it over. After a thorough inspection, he pulls the starter cord. The saw roars to life. Ole shouts, "What the hell is that noise!"

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you
informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both
ultimately result in death.

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having
a
shot of
whisky, they talk about their moonshine
operation.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is
eating
a
sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute
or
so, it beco mes apparent that she is in real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her
and
says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her
head
no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts
up
her
dress, yanks d own he r drawers and quickly
gives
her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a
violent
spasm and the obstruction flies out of her
mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly
walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that
there
'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed
nobody
do it!'

*******************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


***********************************************

This is good; it's one of the few jokes involving Polish people that isn't horribly offensive to Polish people.

This is good; it's one of the few jokes involving Polish people that isn't horribly offensive to Polish people.

Maybe I ought to sue the next guy to post a racist anti-Polish joke. I'm half Polish.

I guess that makes me a half-wit.

*files lawsuit against self*

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Why don't Jehovah's Witnesses celebrate Halloween?

They can't stand the thought of strangers knocking on their doors!

cuz there wierdos

Why are pirates called "pirates"?

Because they ARRRRR!

Why are pirates called "pirates"?

Because they ARRRRR!

LOL!

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel shoved down your pants? Isn't that uncomfortable? The pirate says back, "ARRR! It drives me nuts!"

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot, of course. What else would you call him?

What else would you call him?

Nigga?
Brutha froma nutha mutha?[/italian american accent stereotype]
Homeslice?
[His name here]?

Hehehe:

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

Hehehe:

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

You been reading old copies of Reader's Digest or something?

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer

*Snip*

Greatest. Joke. EVER! Roflmao

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."

Hey CanuckHeaven, your last two jokes were genius!

---------

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled
alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him
the keys, "Yours is."

Ahh, bad:

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"