NationStates Jolt Archive

http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gth681k/ns/vephrall/kpv38.png

Welcome to the 38th NationStates World Cup
hosted by Kura-Pelland and Vephrall

QUALIFICATION DRAW
Teams sorted by scheduling position; while teams were divided into pots, there was an initial stage of shuffling teams for scheduling purposes.
Where teams have posted a roster, these are hyperlinked.

GROUP 1
Thundercliffe
Krytenia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221950&postcount=17)
Cookesland
Limbrogidlia
Elves Security Forces (Valanora) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13220051&postcount=6)
Quakmybush (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13252516&postcount=50)
Aurendia
Bazalonia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13233296&postcount=47)

GROUP 2
95X
JSY (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227691&postcount=42)
Minilla Island
Ariddia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13225891&postcount=36)
Starblaydia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222752&postcount=21)
Vilita
Ulzaxid (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13262518&postcount=51)
Rangpur

GROUP 3
Geisenfried
Daehanjeiguk (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13226235&postcount=38)
Tynelia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13239761&postcount=49)
Dance 2 Revolution (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222705&postcount=20)
Hopeless SC (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223961&postcount=28)
Mallatarsland
Sel Appa (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221382&postcount=11)
Alversia

GROUP 4
Bumiroar
Sorthern Northland (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13225810&postcount=35)
Bergelland
Demot (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13224833&postcount=32)
Oliverry (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13229181&postcount=45)
Northern Bettia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223632&postcount=25)
The Pazhujeb Islands (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227789&postcount=44)
St Samuel (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13224992&postcount=33)

GROUP 5
Turori
Vanek Drury Brieres
Endmile
Randovium
Qazox (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221777&postcount=13)
Jeru FC (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13225106&postcount=34)
Az-cz (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222800&postcount=22)
Onimar

GROUP 6
Kelssek (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222025&postcount=18)
Miceland (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227757&postcount=43)
Capitalizt SLANI (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227676&postcount=41) (nation info (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227676&postcount=40))
Jeruselem (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13219905&postcount=4)
Magnus Valerius (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13219646&postcount=2)
Candelaria And Marquez (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13220720&postcount=8)
Kiryu-shi
Uiri

GROUP 7
Bostopia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13220739&postcount=9)
East Lithuania
Wentland (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222867&postcount=23)
Prux (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221831&postcount=16)
Lovisa
Nire and Nire (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13224154&postcount=30)
Green wombat (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221812&postcount=15)
Milchama (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13229195&postcount=46)

GROUP 8
Spaam
Ad'ihan (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13220493&postcount=7)
The Archregimancy (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13220743&postcount=10)
Squornshelous (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13224350&postcount=31)
Tuaim
Bettia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223614&postcount=24)
Vikingholm
Casari (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223723&postcount=26)

GROUP 9
Estresse Intenso (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223970&postcount=29)
Merovis
Novapsolu (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13227458&postcount=39)
The Islands of Qutar
Pinguinum
Solenial
Cafundéu (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13223855&postcount=27)
Errinundera

GROUP 10
Scotchpinestan (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13222297&postcount=19)
New Morissia
San Adriano (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13225950&postcount=37)
Yafor 2 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221804&postcount=14)
Taeshan (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13219928&postcount=5)
Kansiov (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13237895&postcount=48)
The Holy Empire (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13221566&postcount=12)
Zwangzug (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13219664&postcount=3)

AUTO-QUALIFIERS AS HOSTS
Kura-Pelland (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13267017&postcount=52)
Vephrall

Schedule is as follows, with the home team first; MD8 is MD1 with the home and away sides reversed, and so on through to MD14.

MD1: 1v8, 2v7, 3v6, 4v5
MD2: 3v1, 8v2, 7v4, 6v5
MD3: 1v5, 2v4, 8v3, 6v7
MD4: 7v1, 6v2, 5v3, 8v4
MD5: 1v2, 3v7, 4v6, 5v8
MD6: 4v1, 2v3, 7v5, 8v6
MD7: 1v6, 5v2, 3v4, 7v8

Scorination is scheduled for the following dates:

* Monday November 19; MD1
* Tuesday November 20; MD2
* Wednesday November 21; MD3
* Thursday November 22; qualifying break (Thanksgiving); friendlies can be arranged
* Friday November 23; MD4
(continue daily until)
* Wednesday November 28; MD9
* Thursday November 29; qualifying break 2; friendlies can be arranged
* Friday November 30; MD10
(continue daily until)
* Tuesday December 4; MD14
* Wednesday December 5; pre-finals break; friendlies can be arranged
* Thursday December 6; finals draw
* Friday December 7; group MD1
* Saturday December 8; group MD2
* Sunday December 9; group MD3
* Monday December 10; second round (round-of-16)
* Tuesday December 11; quarter-finals
* Wednesday December 12; semi-finals
* Thursday December 13; third place playoff
* Friday December 14; FINAL

Friendlies can be arranged for the days mentioned and also the next three days (before MD1). Please telegram one (and only one) of the co-hosts with teams and venue details.

Scorination will take place in one of the following time 'blocks', with preference to the middle of them; 1700-1900, 2100-2230, 0100-0400 (all UTC). I am most unlikely to post in the last of these windows, Vephrall is most unlikely to post in the first. Scores will be posted here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=543526).

We would like to draw your attention to the roster thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=543319). Posting here will give you an RP bonus, and also allow you to set a style modifier as you see fit.

The Jeruselem World Cup 38 team and officials from the Jeruselem FA were assembled together for a big event. A familiar pair stepped out on the stage - Dazza Dallas and her daughter Kate Dallas looking "hot" in little red dresses ...

The foreign press are there to cover the event.

Dazza: Thank you everyone for coming. We're not here because me and Kate want to get drunk and pick up men, it's actually business.
Kate: For quite a while we've being playing the same old Jeruselem strip, but it's time for a change.

Dazza: Yes, the old red and white is gone. Now, everyone remembers Jeruselem played in the old Women's World Cup strip for the Oxen CUp 4 which we just managed to win. Yes, it was that pink strip which the girls loved and guys didn't.
Kate: There is pink in this strip but we put in the blue from our new national flag.

Dazza: But without too much ado! We present the new Jeruselem World Cup 38 team strip!
Kate: Our models are my friend Scarlet Ferris and a good looking male model we hired for the occasional because no male from the team wanted to volunteer

A male and female step out under the lights in a blue and pink JMC team strip.
Everyone looks happy with the new look.

Dazza: But there's more! We've got the matching jump suits!

Some models walk out donning a similar coloured set of jump suits.

Kate: And for the girls, a special matching bikini!

The female models unzip their jump suits to reveal a pink and blue bikini set

Dazza: Everyone gets their team strip tomorrow but for now. Let's party!
Kate: The bar is open now. Let's farewell the red and white, and usher in the new age of the pink and blue! If anyone has questions please ask, you all know Dallas girls can't stop talking.

Dazza: We wish to thank the Jeruselem Football Association and JMC from Krytenia who are our official suppliers of our team strip. The models here are from my company Razza Dazza. That's it, the show is over. Everyone enjoy themselves now.

As is the norm for Bettia, it was a glorious sunny day. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, the birds were singing, the aroras were scuttling around making a general nuisance of themselves (and occasionally biting passers-by). Yes, on the face of it, things were just as they normally were.

Ethel Cartwright, 77-year-old widow and fully paid-up member of the blue-rinse brigade, arrived from her home in Treisa (a sleepy suburb situated on the outskirts of the capital Gabalfa) at her place of employment - the architecturally-impressive Pêl-Droed House, the headquarters of the Football Association of Bettia. As far as she was concerned, this was destined to be another day at the office, filled with hours of typing, filing, and titting around on the internet, which for her usually meant spending ages on BookFace, Bettia's most popular social networking website. But even as she made the daily commute into the centre of Gabalfa, a little nagging thought in the back of her mind was telling that something wasn't quite right, and it wasn't the fact that her train was later than usual.

As she trudged up the small flight of steps leading up to the front door, she stopped to catch a breather. She was certainly no spring chicken - the arthritis slowly making itself at home in her knee made sure of that.

"Oh. I'm glad someone's well enough to turn up today!" a gruff voice said from behind her.

She turned around to see Cerdin, the old security guard. He was probably the only person in this place that was older than she was - the only reason he hadn't taken up retirement was, as he put it, "Sitting on my arse for hours on end, or getting nagged by her indoors? Not much of a choice, is it?"

"Mornin' Cerdin," Ethel replied. "Eeh, I tell you, my knee's giving me some real gip today. How's your back?"

"Meh. It's been better, it's been worse. 'Ere - you got any idea why no other bugger's coming into work today?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've been taking calls all day from all sorts, mainly 'ospitals and doctors and such, all saying the same thing. 'Such-and-such can't come in, they've broken their leg!'"

"Broken their leg? Who?"

"Everyone, or so they say. Don't believe it meself. If everyone's planning to skive off all at once, they can at least think of something original instead of using the same old excuse. I ain't a bloody receptionist, you know."

"That's right Cerdin, that's my job," Ethel said as she set her favourite blue cardigan across the back of her chair. Right at that very moment, the phone rang. She picked it up and listened intently at the frantic voice at the other end. After a short conversation, she put it down and sat quietly for a few seconds.

"So Ethel, who was that?"

"That was the secretary of Banastra Forest football club, asking permission to postpone their next few matches."

"Why?"

"Apparently, all their players have suffered broken legs."

Cerdin raised his eyebrows.

"ALL their players?"

"Yes, ALL of them, just a couple of hours ago."

"So, he's trying to tell us that all their players simultaneously broke a leg, and he expects people to believe that?"

"That's what he said, ALL the..."

She was interrupted by the phone ringing again. Dutifully, she picked it up and took the call, frantically scribbling notes on her trusty pad of paper. After ending the cal, she put the phone down and stared at Cerdin in disbelief.

"That was the secretary of Lorshill United. Apparently..."

"All their players have a broken leg?"

"Yes, every single one of them."

"Okay, this is bloody doolally. First the staff here, now this!? " Cerdin tutted. "What on NSearth is going on?"

Right at that very moment, the phone rang once again and Ethel picked it up.

"Good morning, Football Association of Bettia."

"Ethel? Is that you?"

"Yes. Good morning sir!" she replied, recognising the voice of Thomas Bethell, chief executive of the FAB.

"Thank goodness - I've been trying to phone all morning but the line's been constantly busy. Listen, I'll have to keep this quick 'cos I'm calling from the hospital. You see..."

"You've got a broken leg?"

"That's right, how did you guess?"

"Because it's the exact same thing that happened to everyone else."

"What do you mean, everyone else?"

"I mean EVERYONE else. It's just me and Cerdin in at the moment."

"This is strange. Very strange indeed."

"I know. There's you, and everyone here, and we've had a couple of clubs phoning in saying exactly the same thing."

"And that's not all. Things are absolutely mad here."

"How do you mean sir?"

"This hospital is practically overflowing with people. They're just flooding in here, all with the same thing - a broken leg. And to make things worse, most of the doctors and nurses here are done in as well."

"But how did it happen sir?"

"I don't know. I'd done my usual hour on the treadmill and I was fast asleep, then all of a sudden this morning I felt a really sharp pain in my leg. I was in bloody agony, I was. The wierd thing is, the bloody thing just broke in my sleep."

"That's very strange indeed," Ethel said, furrowing her already well-wrinkled forehead. "Well, you rest up sir and I'll try and handle things here."

Just as she put the phone down, she heard Cerdin's voice calling out to her form the Security Room.

"Oi! Ethel! Come and look at this!"

She entered the room to see him staring in disbelief at the television. He was watching a news channel, showing one of its more elderly reporters speaking from in front of a hospital. A scrolling banner running at the bottom of the screen read 'BROKEN LEG EPIDEMIC SWEEPS BETTIA. BILLIONS OF ADULTS & TEENAGERS AFFECTED. HEALTH SERVICE OVERWHELMED. INDUSTRY GRINDS TO A HALT.'

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," Cerdin tutted. "Looks like the whole country's gone to pot. I do hope my kids are alright."

"There's something slightly more important to worry about Cerdin. In case you haven't noticed, there's a World Cup coming up - how are we going to get a team together if all our players are knobbled?"

AFF suspends games in Ad'ihan, team to play elsewhere

The Ad'ihan Football Federation has announced that none of Ad'ihan's home games in the forseeable future would actually be played in the protectorate, after violence and conflict on Grand Island outside the protectorate threatened to get out of hand. Spokesman Mikaël Arten pointed out that the only airport on the island was outside the Protectorate, and there would be no way for anyone landing at the airport to reach the protectorate should the violence continue to spiral out of control.

"With the location of l'Aéroport international d'Ad'ihan, the AFF do not forsee a situation in which we can guarantee that teams arriving in Île Grande will be able to reach the Protectorate safely. The AFF board of directors, after consultations with national team manager Luke Evans and the Liverpool England Sports Ministry, unanimously agreed to play Ad'ihan's upcoming home matches in Orean at Grovers Park for the forseeable future," Arten told a news conference. "We do hope that the situation will be calm enough for us to play at least one or two games at home at Protectorate Stadium this campaign."

Arten also confirmed that the AFF had extended Evans' contract till at least the end of World Cup 38 qualifying. "We expect Luke to be able to qualify for the finals. If he does so the AFF will sit and discuss any further extension, but it's still to early to say anything."

Northern Bettia isn't what you'd call a happy place, especially its capital city Anyuna with its industrial chimneys looming here, there and everywhere, and the row upon row of cheap and nasty houses springing up all over the place, specially built by the government just so the poorest families had somewhere slightly less damp and crappy to call home (and vandalise).

The rich, on the other hand, had it cushy. Living in the smartest parts of the city in fortified estates regularly patrolled by security guards, who invariably were soldiers kicked out of the army for being too violent or sweary to their superiors.

One such fat cat was Henry Moto, the chief executive of the Football Association of Northern Bettia who, as always, rolled into work in his gold-plated chauffeur-driven limousine. Tossing his keys to the faithful bellboy who stood attentively at the entrance to the building no matter what the weather, he marched up to the penthouse suite he called on office. It felt good to be him right now - things were pretty tight just a couple of years ago, but thanks to some creative marketing schemes involving floods of dodgy emails and pesky cold-calls made all over the world at every ungodly hour, the FANB was really rolling in money.

He sat at his grand oak desk and opened his newspaper. As usual, the injury crisis hitting Bettia was splashed across the front cover. This sudden misfortune was a great source of amusement to the ordinary Gog, but for some reason, he didn't find it quite so amusing.

All of a sudden, the intercom buzzed.

"Mr Moto, sir?" a young woman's voice said, "The national team manager and his assistant are here to see you."

"Good, send them in immediately."

After a few seconds, the doors were nervously opened and Iwan Obani walked in, accompanied by a suspicious-looking fellow dressed in a tatty top hat, a large dirty black cloak and a necklace that appeared to be made from the skulls of various small animals.

"Morning sir. I don't know whether you've met my assistant Baron Vendredi, have you?"

"Well I have now. Sit down," Moto ordered before holding the newspaper in front of him. "I don't suppose any of you fellows know anything about this, do you?"

Obani and Vendredi looked at each other before the Baron spoke up.

"I believe it may have been me, sir. You see, after our successful implementation of voodoo during the Oxen Cup, I've been working on a spell to knobble every team in our group. Alas, it seems my experiment didn't quite work as expected."

"Yes, quite. So instead of cursing the players of every team in our group, you have instead succeeded in injuring every able-bodied adult in our master nation."

"I believed early preparation for the World Cup qualifiers would be advantageous."

"You could've at least waited until the group draw were made. At least then your pitiful attempt at black magic would've had a proper target."

"I wouldn't call it pitiful, sir. After all, I've pretty much buggered up Bettia's chances of winning."

"Maybe, but if word of your little scheme got out to them, we'd be up a certain creek without a paddle. We may have one hell of an army, what with all the giant ants and all, but the forces they have at their disposal don't even bear thinking about. You understand me? Don't breathe a word of this to anyone."

"Don't worry sir, our lips are sealed."

"And Baron?"

"Yes?"

"Keep practicing your voodoo. If you use it right, it could see us all the way to the final. It's about time we won some more silverware, and I don't care what it takes!"

The Prime Minister of Bostopia, Alan Sentor, was in a Hall at Suffern Palace, the home of the House of Subjects and the House of Gentry, the two houses in the Bostopian Parliament. He was speaking to the Sports Minister, Martin Redfern, about the upcoming draw for the Qualification groups for World Cup 38, held in Kura-Pelland and Vephrall.

“So Martin, the team looks strong this year, how do you think we'll do?”

“Well, we should qualify for the Group Stages, but whether we'd repeat the 'Miracle of 36' and reach the knockout stages is another matter.”

“Let's hope so, the country could do with the morale. Patriotism is strengthened by sporting success, something for the whole country to get behind.”

“Very much so, PM. Oh, who did you decide to represent the country at the group draw?”

“Ah yes, I sent some of our armed forces. They've been doing tough work this year, both in Port Flamerty -”

The Sports Minister's mind began whirring. “Oh no,” he thought... “please don't say...”

“ - and in Casari, helping operations there.”

“Who's that then, Prime Minister?”

“Surely, Martin, there could only be one choice to represent the country, the best forces we have!”

---The World Cup 38 Media Centre, Mambaro, Kura-Pelland.---

“JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!”

Shocked onlookers turned round to see a tank parked outside the Media Centre, and a half run over signpost – now devoid of sign – was lying almost flat on the ground. Four soldiers ran into the Media Centre.

This year, no-one would be throwing anything at the Bostopian delegation.

"You sure?"

"Sure."

"If it's about-"

"It's not."

"...You sure?"

"Yeah. I learned what I needed to know: truth wasn't important as I thought."

Eddie laughed. "Why don't you come back, then?"

His sister Grace smiled weakly. "It's Hailee's turn now. I want her to have a chance."

"Play duets!" he joked.

"What, make it look like we're putting some effort into it? What are you, some kind of patriot?"

They shared a laugh. "You got me there. It's this whole "national" team deal, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know. I figured that out pretty quickly. It was when they got to confusing words like "play" that things got bad."

"What's confusing about "play"?"

"What does it mean to "play for the national team"?"

Eddie laughed again. "You are the only person that would be confused by that."

"You ready over there?" Hailee called, finally approaching.

"I've been ready, what took you so long?" Eddie yelled back.

She shrugged innocently. "Baggage claim."

"All right, come on...Mal should be coming from Abadia soon, then we can join the rest of the team."

They said brief goodbyes, and Grace quickly lost sight of them in the crowd. She exited pensively, lost in wonder. When did we go right?

Silvia Hill was taken into an empty meeting room, a dry erase board and markers hanging on the wall, and several large flat boxes of indexed DVDs and a binder that barely contained the number of papers inside.

"What is this?" She said, leaning against the wall.

"This is your office, of course." Michael Maclusky said, now in charge of the National Team program.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?"

"We promised you free choice of teammates, of course. We have as many match recordings as we could get our hands on, player bios... we even had them cross-indexed so you can watch the players you like. Someone's bringing up a TV, I think, you can watch on that."

"Wait, you want me to pick the team?"

"Nice to see you caught on. Come find someone when you've finished, we'd like to release it as soon as possible to check to see if everyone's available to play."

"You ass."

"Comes with the territory. When you're the hope of the nation, you have to do a bit more work. At any rate, it shouldn't take you long. I know you already have some ideas."

"... I might."

"See? Won't take half as long as you want. I'll send an intern in at about noon to get you some food. Find us a good group, no?"

".. you're still an ass."

Mike turned and walked out the door, talking back over his shoulder. "You'd never be happy with one we picked anyway, and you know it."

Closing the door slowly, Silvia approached the table with some apprehension, sitting down in the lone chair and opening the front cover of the binder. "Aaronsen, Aaron A. 27. Lockenby Town. 1521: 24 Games Played 9 Goals 16 Assists 7 Yellow 1 Red 2 Player of the Game Southern League Second Eleven. At least they spared no expense." She muttered, closing it again.

---

"So, you picked?"

"Yes." Silvia said, leaning against the wall, kicking a bal she had found somewhere against the wall and catching it.

"Any strategy?"

"Yup. I went and found the biggest nationalistic pricks in the top levels of the game."

"How on earth would that work?"

"They won't need to be motivated. They're good, or they won't be so high up in the league. They'll happily sacrifice to play for the colors. And, of course, they won't take anyone's crap."

"... that makes far too much sense for something like this."

"You think so?"

"Well, it's worked in the past. Nationalism for the win, huh?"

Mike shrugged. "I hope it does. Getting fired right away is never fun."

"Oh, no kidding. Anyway, we need to do a presentation for the board."

"Screw the board. Like they'll do anything. Just send them a list."

"What?"

"I'm the Golden Child of Casaran Football. They'll just nod along like idiots anyway. Get to calling these people, we need to get to work."

"Yes, Coach."

"Oh, and if you call me coach again, I'll take your balls and flush them." Silvia said pleasantly, sipping a cup of coffee.

"Are you sure you don't take after your mom?"

"She would have had a wonderful power trip on it, actually."

The Secretary to the WFA was very pleased. "Oh, how splendid! Honours for our ladies' team! That is most excellent."

"Yes," said the Chairman. "After their latest World Cup triumph His Majesty considered it apposite to award them all the Order of the Golden Swift as individuals."

"That's nice. And you have their names there?"

"Yes, if you should be so kind as to transmit them to the Royal Palace I would be most grateful."

"No problem, Mr Chairman. And the men's team should gain a great boost from that."

"Indeed. Mr Hacker is most anxious that they should collect their own World Cup to try to match the ladies."

"He has selected the squad?"

"He has indeed. Here you are...ready for faxing through to the World Cup committee. And if you could arrange the press conference..."

"My pleasure."

Nov 16 1933 Qazox:

The 11th attempt for Qazox at winning a World Cup Title is about to start soon and the Qazoxian population could hardly care less. The QFL is basically a joke, since they never send a team to the International Championships. The W-league is somehow still around, despite only an average attendance of just under 2,800 a game. Heck the QCAA (Qazox Collegiate Athletic Association) doesn't even sponsor the game anymore. WHY? The rise of Gridiron Football/Gridball and Baseball and even Hockey.

Doesn't anybody besides myself and the players on the team realize that if it weren't for football, Qazox wouldn't even be known to any one outside of the Q Continuum? Heck our first attempt at the World Cup brought in over 37 million Zaqs (ooc: Qazox's currency). Compare that to the pitiful 13 million Zaqs hosting the most recent World Baseball Classic brought in (Granted we only hosted half the tourney). In 1929, just 4 years ago, the qualifers brought in just over 89 million Zaqs. But for some dumb reason the QSC (Qazox Sports Council) has decided to cut spending on football for increased spending on gridiron stadiums, hockey arenas and baseball fields. In fact they are spending almost 120 million Zaqs to promote the country to host the 2nd Gridiron Championships and the 5th World Baseball Classic. Not to mention the 25 million to try to host the 5th World Cup of Hockey. But the country won't spend 1 zaq to try to host a Baptism of Fire or a Cup of Harmony? Heck the only reason why there's even a Oxen Cup is the fact that we have to PAY the invited teams to participate. It's a damn outrage!

But that will change, if every thing I have planned will change that, but I need help. Hopefully my visit to Dr. Hadel will give me the answers I seek. If not, then soccer in Qazox will be dead and probably so will I.

(OOC: This theme ICly explains why I don't try to host the CoH or BoF, while in RL I can't host, due to the fact that I can't make heads nor tails of the current scorinators. And I'm not SERIOUSLY going to try to host either the Gridiron World Championships or the World Cup of Hockey)

And so we return to the World Cup. Those who once struck fear in the hearts of those who wore purple and white (and were constantly getting beaten by them pesky Sarzonians) are starting again from the ground up. The bottom fell out of the game after international football was taken off the menu, and now the challenge is not to win the tournament, but simply to qualify.

It could be worse though; you could support Jey.

The Green Machine of the Baptism of Fire looked good and were touted as outside chances of going forward in this competition, but after defeat to Starblaydia (controversially included in the tournament despite having twice won the World Cup) they took their ball and cried off back to campus.

One down...

Meanwhile, here's a rough guide to the new Krytenia...

Krytenia is now located in Northern Calania, on the western shores of Lake Bekk. It's where those mad Druids used to live.
Krytenian cartographers are still mapping out the new country. Please allow 2-3 days extra travelling time if visiting.
Remember Everton City? It's now called Emberton. Oh, and Davisham is now known as Norton.
Cyan still pwns mauve. Some things never change...

"See I knew it, we're down to twently. The lowest we've been once we got good." ranted Andrew Coulter, president of the BFSA slapping the piece of paper that he was holding in one hand that had the latest ranks on it.

"Come on, at least we did better than the Archregimancy and AIF, they were on the cusp of top 10 status and then... look at where they are now. AIF is on 21 and the monks well, they're on 29, but do you see them giving up?"

"No, but then I wasn't planing on giving up, where did you suddently go all pep-talk on me?"

"Sorry, I was going on a motivational speaking seminar, tell me did you feel motivated?"

"Yeah, I did."

"See?"

"To fire your ass."

"Aww, come on, what you do without me."

"So many things, I don't know what to do with."

"Fine then, if that's how you feel about it, then goodbye."

"Hey, wait, Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, I was only joking around..."

But it was too late, Andrew's secretary had left out in a storm, little did he know what havok this would cause in the BFSA.

From the desk of Juxt-Pat

To the Bettian Football Association,

We are saddened to hear about the unfortunate event that has happened in Bettia. We will be providing any medical supplies and support that is necessary. We are more than willing to move back or reschedule our friendly as necessary. Also we are more than willing to provide players from our youth league as training partners, and we are also willing to let Bettia have the pick of Az-czzers for their team if they wish. Basically we are willing to do anything possible for such a good friend nation. Please let us know what can be done to help, both with football and non-football matters.

Juxt-Pat

An interview in Velo! magazine

Skate = Princess Katherine Alexandra Dallas

Velo!: Thank for being here your majesty.
Skate: Thanks alright, being the attention whore I am.

Velo!: What you feel about this World Cup, number 38.
Skate: Well, it's time Jeruselem repeated World Cup 32 and this time we might even win it.
Velo!: That's a big call.
Skate: One has to dream of being a winner. We probably won't get that far but at least quarterfinals.

Velo!: Three Dallas girls in the same team, is that too many?
Skate: Not really, we could field an entire of Dallas family members if we tried hard enough.

Velo!: What's your opinion of the new coach Sark Kozy?
Skate: He's a good choice. He may look like a complete French prick but inside is a good brain and real man who knows what he wants.

Velo!: How is he different to your mother and Kate Bush?
Skate: He's a man so he's got different methods to doing the same things. We do a lot more training than under Kate and certainly a more than under Mum.

Velo!: What's different this time around apart from the coach?
Skate: A new confidence, the girls won the cup in Arridia and we won the Oxen Cup 4 in Qazox with this team. Winning stuff really helps.

Velo!: A new look defense from the last cup including your niece Fiskin Dallas, is this the secret?
Skate: They've done a good job but our issue was the attack last cup. We failed to score against Zwangzug, so we need a more potent attack including myself of course.

Velo!: You seem to have rival in Kara Kool for looks and ability.
Skate: Yes, little Kara Kool. That Kool family sure puts out great talent, only second to Dallas girls of course. She's replacing poor Dinkie.

Velo!: Dinkie Dosha died last cup, does it still hurt?
Skate: Oh yes, but we have new blood to take over now. We may lose players but there's always someone else to take over and continue on.

Velo!: Who's responsible for the new team strip?
Skate: Well, mainly me and my mother. Too long we had the same strip, so we decide to take action about it. Yes, it is very Gnome-ish in retrospect but it was long overdue.

Velo!: Who's the biggest threat in this cup?
Skate: The current champs, them Gnomes and the Elves as well as Zwangzug, Arridia and Bettias ... and Demot too.

Velo!: Starblaydia and Spaam return to the cup, are you concerned?
Skate: Not really, they aren't coming back as top teams so they will be treated like any lower teams.

Velo!: Does it bother you being Jeruselem's biggest sex symbol for men? You being the official wife of the potential new ruler of Jeruselem.
Skate: No, it's a plus. My man knows he's got the hottest girl in Jeruselem in his bed every night.

Velo!: You got a place in Qazox recently? Why?
Skate: Arridia and Qazox are like 2nd homes. Football in Arridia is in good shape but I'd like to help the Pheonix a little but my priority is Jeruselem for now.

Velo!: What message do you want sent to the Jeruselem fans?
Skate: As Crown Princess and Jeruselem team captain, support our team because it's the the national team!

Velo!: What about Jeru FC, our army team?
Skate: Yes, the boys from our army will need your support too. Good luck to them but I don't expect them to qualify unless a miracle happens.

Velo!: Thank you for your time.
Skate: No problem.

Four Bostopian soldiers – one carrying a road-sign – were making their way down one of the main hallways in the Media Centre, toward where they would be sitting for the group draw.

“Check your corners!” The Commander called out, though the radio operator, didn't seem impressed.

“Sir, we're tank crew, not the ruddy Special Operations Service!”

“Left corner clear!” Shouted the over-enthusiastic gunner.

“See, he knows what he's doing!”

Making their way down the hallway like this was slow progress, and the Commander eventually gave up on it, with the crew falling back into “regular” communication and formation.

“So, what's that sign say anyway?”

“No Parking Zone, sir.”

“D'ya think they'll clamp the tank, sir?”

“I'd be impressed if they did, Higgins. Very impressed indeed.”

They carried on down the corridor, nearly reaching their seats for the group draw. However, they were missing one.

“Jeffreys? Higgins, where's Jeffreys?”

“'e's back at the toilets, sir.”

“What's he doing?”

“'ere he comes nah sir, Jeffo, what were ya doin' there?”

“Ah've changed t'signs roond lark!”

“Translation?”

“He says he's changed the signs on the male and female toilets around.”

“Oh. Right. Top show.”

A security officer came into view.

“Hoi! You lot!” He shouted, running up to meet the Bostopian delegation.

“Hello there, what can we do for you?” The Commander asked.

“Aside from parking a tank outside the building in a no-parking zone, your lot then stole the road sign!”

“With all due respect, you can hardly talk!”

“What?”

“Are you aware that you are standing in a no parhking zone?” Higgins asked, holding the sign up against the wall next to the security officer.

“Oh, am I, well, I had better mov – hang on a minute!”

“JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!”

And with that, the Bostopian Soldiers were out of sight.

Norman Hacker was backstage, ready to face the press conference for the announcement of the Wentland squad. "It's very busy out there, Mr Hacker," commented the secretary to the WFA. "There's never been this much interest in one of your squads."

"Well, I've got a few changes to make," smiled the normally taciturn crew-cutted coach. "I think you will be a little surprised at my replacement for Davo Eager. And there might just be another forward in the squad. You never know."

Hacker strode to the dais to a somewhat thunderous applause. Hacker was a little startled. "Well," he opened, "I am a little bit amazed by that reception, gents. You've never accorded me such a welcome before."

"That's because of your squad, Norman...what a bold choice! We should never have expected it of you."

"I do have a less conservative streak in me, you know. I don't go all defensive out of choice, it's because of what I have. However I think now is the time to be a little more adventurous. We're getting past the first phase of the finals now, so let's try for the final four again."

"Even so, what an amazing squad! We would NEVER have thought of that particular replacement for Davo Eager..."

"Why not? Ellis has been consistent of late for Kingsbay..."

"Ellis?"

"Yes, Don Ellis. Excel..."

"Err...according to the squad list, Norman, it's Rach Horne..."

"That bint from Newchurch? Are you on something?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why would I pick her? She's a woman, for God's sake."

"Err...it appears you have..."

"Don't be daft. Here's the squad..."

Hacker showed his piece of paper to the media. They gathered around, and giggled.

"Oh no it isn't, Norman..."

A few days later, and with the help of neighbours and friends such as Az-cz, the Blessed Realm was slowly but surely getting back on its feet - slowly being the operative word, and of course one of those feet was in plaster, leading to major shortages in the plastering industry. For most people, stairs had become the bane of everyday existence, and the nation's elevators were are breaking point. For those in charge of the Football Association of Bettia, there was a slightly more pressing matter - out of all the millions of professional footballers in the nation, not a single one of them was fit for action. The amateur ranks too were hit equally as bad. In fact, it had transpired that every able-bodied person in the nation over the age of eleven had been beset by this mysterious injury.

Thomas Bethell, the chief executive of the FAB, sat in his office which just happened to be on the twelfth floor of Pêl-Droed House, agonising over what could be done. With World Cup 38 looming large on the horizon, it was becoming increasingly unlikely that there would be no-one fit enough to don the famous green-and-gold. Just then, he heard a knock on his door.

"Come in," he sighed dejectedly. Ethel and Cerdin, the only two people in the entire building not to be sporting the plastered look, walked in.

"Mornin' sir," Cerdin greeted the boss.

"Morning guys. Please tell me you've come to cheer me up."

"Well, erm... we've been thinking. About this team selection business. Is there anything in the rules that says we can only select humans?"

"Humans? Well no, of course not. After all, we've had teams of elves, dwarves and strangely-misshapen mutant thingies, and of course the BLIP once entered a team of aroras into the World Cup of Ice Hockey."

"Good, 'cos we've been thinking. There are millions of Jinn living in this country, right? Why not select a team of them?"

"Yes, it's a good idea," Ethel added. "After all, with their supernatural powers, they'd make excellent footballers."

"Hmmmm..." Bethell pondered for a moment. "If they used their supernatural powers, that could be considered cheating and that just isn't the Bettian way, is it? After all, we're not Northern Bettia! Besides, I don't believe any of them are actually registered as Bettian citizens, except for that little girl who manages Pifton Rovers and her sister. That means we wouldn't be allowed to field them."

"Awww, that's a shame. Well, there is another thing. There's no age limit for players, is there?"

"No. I believe the ESF have players in excess of 600 years old. Unfortunately, I don't think entering a team of pensioners will do us much good."

"I wasn't thinking of pensioners sir, I was thinking more along the lines of children."

Thomas's coffee went spraying everywhere.

"Children?! CHILDREN?! Please tell me you're kidding."

"Why not? After all, we've had 14-year-olds playing for us before, right? There are plenty of talented youngsters out there. I'm sure we can get a decent team together."

"Hmmm. You know what, that's not such a bad idea. What age were you thinking?"

"Well, ten or eleven, mostly. Perhaps a few of them will be even younger."

"Right. Hey, it may even give us a bit of a psychological advantage. After all, what kind of person would slide-tackle a primary schooler?"

"What, apart from those Gog thugs?"

"Apart from the Gogs."

"Well, no-one."

"Exactly. Get one of our kids on the ball, and if he's skilled enough he'll be difficult to shake off! Right! I'll get looking straight away. Let's just hope we don't get drawn against Northern Bettia in the qualifiers, otherwise our kids will really be in trouble. Oh, and Ethel?"

"Yes sir?"

"You couldn't get us a cup of tea, could you love? I'm gasping here!"

The board was waiting already when an intern walked in and handed off a piece of notebook paper folded into quarters. Without saying anything, he walked out again, leaving the board staring at it. Opening it slowly, all it said was the following-

The Casari Tigers, WC38 Edition

Starters
No. Name G Pos
1 Edgar Danielson M LF
2 Silvia Hill F CF
3 Michael Ronalo M RF
4 Peter Wright M FH
5 William Dann M LM
6 Lewis Deo M RM
7 Emily Wellington F HB
8 Mark LeMurry M LB
9 Andy Ruhlman M CB
10 Vivica Kinbury F RB
11 Lori Arienn F GK

Reserves
No. Name G Pos
21 Reia Lienzi F LF
22 Daniel Potts M CF
23 David Epedan M RF
24 Uri Bruski M FH
25 Katherine Scorrin F LM
26 Olivia Granger F RM
27 Loren Tapperossi M HB
28 Ari Lewison M LB
29 Andrea Winter F CB
30 Theo Richards M RB
31 Brian William M GK

"Well, gentlemen, it looks like we have a roster. Have someone start contacting the players, set a date for initial team meetings and practices, we need to get it together quickly." one said, passing the paper around the table, the rest of the board members nodding along.

The Legião dos Bilionários, the biggest fan group of Petardos S/A football team, was looking at the list of the rosters for the World Cup. They are known as one of the biggest group of supporters in the country, and one that uses its money to get what they want, usually without violence.

The president of the Legião, Salim Buchada (a.k.a. "O Turco" - in English, "The Turk"), suddenly shouted when looking at the list released by Wentland:

"WHERE IS LENNIE?"

All the other supporters looked at him, surprised. One of them asked:

"Why? He isn't in the list? Of course he is, you didn't look closely. They can't play a World Cup without him."

The supporter got the list... and fainted.

Other supporters got the list, and, minutes later, the whole group was shouting:

"NEWTON ISN'T IN THE LIST! HE WON'T PLAY ANOTHER WORLD CUP!"

Shocking news for the country. Lennie Newton, idol of Petardos S/A, the most successful and the richest team of the Cafundéu league, wasn't selected to play World Cup 38 for Wentland. After many World Cups, he is out. Newton, who is also absolute starter in his team, didn't want to talk with the media, but was sad with the situation. Many fans sent gifts to him, and promised to complain.

But they can't do anything. The Legião dos Bilionários promised to not watch any game of Wentland in the World Cup, and will pay for some advertisements to give a negative image to Wentland's World Cup 38 roster. But there is nothing else to do. Lennie Newton will stay in Lasft, Cafundéu.

Or... maybe there is something that they can do... although they probably won't be successful...

President Anthony Johnson: Welcome ladies and gentlemen. I come before you today to bring you exciting news about our national soccer team. After a quarterfinal run in the Baptism of Fire, that was cut short after Radar "Magnet Hands" Green was suddenly unavailable for the quarterfinal against Starblaydia. Our boys have been preparing hard and long for a day that is on our doorstep, the beginning of World Cup 38!

Vice President William White: (out of the corner of his mouth to a nearby reporter) He's always rambling on like this.

President: To make the actual anouncement, I'm proud to present the two men responsible for turning our boys into a respectable soccer team--Soccer Academy Administrator Brian Peterson and National Team Head Coach, and legendary scorer for Praying2God in his playing days, Thomas Larson!

Administrator Peterson: Thank you for that warm welcome President Johnson. I'm proud of the hard work that your sons have put into becoming a solid national team. Sure, the results may not be there for a couple of World Cups as we gain experience playing against the best teams in the world, but we're going to give it our all, and hopefully before you know it, we won't be as hopeless as our name indicates. I now will turn the microphone over to Thomas for the reason we're gathered here today.

Head Coach Larson: Thank you, Brian. Looking at the other national soccer teams, we noted that they have one thing that we don't...a nickname. After fielding suggestions from you, the great people of Hopeless SC, and others around the world, the winning selection for our nickname came from Brian's wife, Elizabeth, just before we left for our quarterfinal match in the Baptism of Fire tournament. She said to Brian that he was wandering the world without her. Brian recounted that conversation to myself, President Johnson, and Vice President White, we all realized that we had our nickname. So, I'm proud to present for you today...the Hopeless SC Wanderers!

(cool logo revealed behind the party at the podium to wild applause)

President Johnson: Thank you everybody for coming today and good luck to our boys in World Cup 38! May you do our great nation proud!

[OOC: This RP is adapted from the actual events in the #nssport IRC channel during the live group draw. See here what you missed. ;)]

Characters, in order of appearance
Angufams Wecoisus, vice-president of the Vephraller Foutbiller Restritris
Cliff Berkton, chairman of the Kura-Pellandi Football Association
Cinna the Poet, representative from Yafor 2
Andrew Coulter, representative from Bazalonia
Alan Babbage, representative from Zwangzug
Naoki Maeda, representative from Dance 2 Revolution
The representative from Novapsolu, known only as "the Chairman"

Interior. An 1100-seat theatre. Eight very low-tech pots are visible, along with a shiny PC and a massive projector display.

Wecoisus: "The president of the Vephraller Foutbiller Resitritris could not be present tonight due to a family emergency, so I, the vice-president, will be representing him here."

Berkton: "Earlier than originally scheduled, we are here. Many thanks for arriving, although I know seven of you couldn't make it, so we only have 1,093 here."

Cinna: "Tis fine, managed to fit my schedule rather well, I would note."

Berkton: "I shall pass over to my colleague Angufams Wecoisus for an explanation of the draw tonight."

Wecoisus: "Thank you, Cliff. We begin with the determination of the scheduling sequence. This will be performed by this high-tech and unusually small computer here."

Wecoisus points to the PC behind him.

Wecoisus: "Afterward, we will proceed to draw the individual teams into their groups. We have eight pots, each of which contains ten nations. The first pot consists of the top ten ranked nations, proceeding down through the unranked in the final pot. One team from each pot will be placed into each of the ten groups."

Cinna is seen to carve something into a stone tablet.

Berkton: "Thank you for the explanation, and now onto that first stage."

Coulter enters the room.

Berkton: "We now commence stage one of the draw. Our computer here will generate ten sequences of the numbers one through eight."

Cinna is again seen to carve something into a stone tablet. This time we can see it: it reads "Bazalonians enter, late. How else?"

Berkton: "The first number in this sequence will denote the scheduling position of the top seeds; the second number, that of the second seeds; and so on. This is to ensure that the key matches in each group are dispersed, thus maintaining excitement throughout."

The computer makes some pointless high-tech sounds.

Berkton: "The sequence for Group 1: 58637412. For 2: 46273518. For 3: 73412586."

Wecoisus mutters something about Kura-Pellandi computational excess.

Berkton: "For 4: 45682731. For 5: 75136284. For 6: 34768125. For 7: 83157462. For 8: 64328751. For 9: 87314625. For 10: 87465123."

Cinna idly wonders why he is the Yaforite representative.

Babbage: "Mr. Coulter, there are seven seats still open, make yourself comfortable."

Berkton: "We thank the Margaret Institute of Random Numbers at the University of Fariynuff for their help in devising this algorithm. The screen will show the teams appear in their correct places; if you cannot see the screen, the full details will be made available on the WC38 official website."

Cinna carves "Thanking religious fundementalists. [sic] Not surprising, from the Kura-Pellandi." into his stone tablet.

Berkton: "Over to Angufams."

Wecoisus: "All right, and now to the main substance of the draw. Not to diminish the accomplishments of the Kura-Pellandi delegation, of course. As previously stated, one team from each pot will be placed into each group."

Wecoisus' cellular phone rings. He retrieves it from his pocket. The phone is approximately the size of a modern-day alarm clock.

Wecoisus: "Yes? Look, I'm very busy, I'm doing the draw right now."

Cinna carves "Interesting technology, the Vephrese have." into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "It's in the fridge. All right, I'll clean it up when I get home. All right, honey. Bye-bye."

After a brief pause...

Wecoisus: "I apologize for that interruption. Anyway, we begin with pot one."

The Oliverrian representative rises from his seat and walks out of the room without a word.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Elves Security Forces. In Group 2, Ariddia. In Group 3, Sel Appa. In Group 4, Demot. In Group 5, Az-cz."

Cinna carves "Sel Appans, somehow, are chosen third. Need I say 'bribery'?" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "In Group 6, Capitalizt SLANI - my apologies for the language. In Group 7, Milchama."

Maeda mutters something about not wanting to be in any of these groups so far.

Wecoisus: "In Group 8, Bettia. In Group 9, Errinundera. And in Group 10, Zwangzug. And now, pot two. In Group 1, Bazalonia. In Group 2, Vilita."

Coulter mumbles something about "damned elves". Cinna carves "Come on, Bazalonia, beat those cheating Elves!" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "Wow, Vilita is still a top twenty team?"

The Chairman laughs.

Wecoisus: "Ahem, anyway, in Group 3, Tynelia. In Group 4, Oliverry."

Cinna carves "Strange sounds from the Novapsolu people over there. 'lol', they seemed to say" into his stone tablet. Wecoisus glances at the seat recently vacated by the Oliverrian representative, who apparently wanted to ensure attendance remained at 1093 after Mr. Coulter's arrival. He then continues.

Wecoisus: "In Group 5, Qazox. In Group 6, Jeruselem. In Group 7, Wentland. In Group 8, Squornshelous. In Group 9, Cafundéu. And in Group 10, the Holy Empire."

Babbage: "This'll be fun."

Maeda crosses off Group 10 from a list of groups on a sheet of paper in his hand. He then crosses off Group 8.

Wecoisus: "And now, the third pot."

Cinna carves "Finally, they reach our pot" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Quakmybush - again, I apologize for my language. In Group 2, Jaseuyeon, commonly abbreviated as Commerce Heights JSY. In Group 3, Dance 2 Revolution. In Group 4, Northern Bettia."

The Chairman bites his fingernails. Cinna tosses a pilum at Maeda.

Cinna: "Happy now?"

Wecoisus: "In Group 5, Turori."

Maeda scribbles down Group 3 and smiles. The Chairman sighs with relief.

Wecoisus: "In Group 6, Kiryu-shi."

Maeda: "Avoiding The Holy Empire was of utmost importance."

Wecoisus: "In Group 7, Bostopia."

Cinna carves "How did Kiryu-Shi get up there so fast? And Bostopia?" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: In Group 8, the Archregimancy. In Group 9, Novapsolu."

The Chairman: "Hmm, Caf and Erri..."

Wecoisus: "And in Group 10, ...the Gupta Dynasty? Oh, my mistake, that should say Yafor 2."

Cinna tosses his stone tablet at Wecoisus. The tablet, being after all made of stone, fails to achieve the necessary lift to reach the stage where the draw is being done.

The Chairman: "Wait... we're in pot three?"

Cinna scuttles forward and retrieves his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "Yes, your nation is in pot 3."

The Chairman: "Oh, Schiavonia... never mind."

Wecoisus: "And now, pot 4."

Cinna carves "Bah, Zwangzug and The Holy Empire" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Cookesland. In Group 2, Ulzaxid. In Group 3, Geisenfried Chicken."

Maeda stares blankly at Wecoisus.

Wecoisus: "Oh, sorry, I'm rather hungry."

Cinna tosses a pilum at Wecoisus.

Cinna: "Get it right already!"

Wecoisus: "In Group 4, Saint Samuel. In Group 5, Endmile. In Group 6, Candelaria. Also in Group 6, Marquez."

Maeda scribbles down "Geisenfried Chicken".

Maeda: "I've been behind the scenes at the RFA for too long..."

Wecoisus: "In Group 7, Lovisa. In group 8, Ad'ihan."

Maeda is heard mumbling about the olden days when there weren't stupid things like GFC competing; there were just normal people. And tomatoes.

Cinna: "Zucchini." Quite why Cinna felt the need to randomly say the word "zucchini", nobody was certain. At least not unless he could read Maeda's mind.

Wecoisus: "In Group 9, Estresse Intenso. And in Group 10, Kansiov."

Cinna carves "A chance for revenge, what say?!?" into his stone tablet.

Wecoisus: "So ends the fourth pot, which is probably the last of nations you've actually heard of. And now, pot five."

The Chairman laughs again.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Aurendia. In Group 2, Minilla Island."

Cinna: (loudly) "You mean we have four more pots to go through?"

Wecoisus: "In Group 3, 대한제국."

Maeda again stares blankly at Wecoisus. Wecoisus points at the screen, which reads "Daehanjeiguk". He assumes he must have royally stuffed up the pronuncation, having very little knowledge of Korean.

Wecoisus: "In Group 4, Sorthern Northland. In Group 5, Jeru FC."

Cinna tosses down his tablet and carving utensil in disgust, apparently disinclined to work out the proper Korean characters to spell Daehanjeiguk.

Wecoisus finds a bit of difficulty with the draw for this group, tossing out duplicate entries for Aurendia and Minilla Island.

Wecoisus: "In Group 6, Uiri. In Group 7, Green wombat. In Group 8, Casari. In Group 9, the Islands of Qutar. And in Group 10, Taeshan."

Cinna tears out his hair, shouting in pain and distress, while Wecoisus erects a shield against potential attacks from the Yaforite delegation. Taeshan had defated Yafor 2 in the final of the World Gridiron Championships, held in Vephrall.

Wecoisus: "Pot six. In Group 1, Limbrogidlia. In Group 2, Starblaydia."

Maeda: "D2R should be in that group."

Wecoisus: "In Group 3, Hopeless SC, which sounds like a thoroughly depressing place to take a holiday. In Group 4, the...Pazuja? Pashuga?" He gives up and points at the screen, which reads "The Pazhujeb Islands". "In Group 5, Vanek Drury Brieres. In Group 6, Kelssek. In Group 7, Prux. In Group 8, Vikingholm, because somebody had to be drawn with its puppet at some point." He had apparently not noticed that Cafundéu and Estresse Intenso had also been drawn together. "In Group 9, Solenial. In Group 10, Scotchpinestan."

The Kura-Pellandis in the delegation start to mutter, "Don't mention Zyla!"

Wecoisus: "Now for pot #7."

We notice at this point that Wecoisus had been drinking quite a lot of what appeared to be water throughout the ceremony. As the draw neared its end, however, suspicions began to arise that perhaps that may not have been water after all.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Thundercliffe...ho! In Group 2, Mambaro's #1 hit music station, 95X. In Group 3, Alversia. In Group 4, Bergelland. In Group 5, Onimar. In Group 6, Miceland. In Group 7, ...Nire and Nire? Who wrote the names on these bloody slips of paper anyway? In Group 8, Tuaim. In Group 9, Merovis. And in Group 10, New Morrisia, which brings us at last to the final pot."

Wecoisus pauses to take another sip of his drink.

Wecoisus: "In Group 1, Krytenia. In Group 2, Rangpur. In Group 3, Mallatarsland. In Group 4...Bumroar? Is that what happens when you've had too much BazaBurger? Oh, my mistake, Bumiroar. In Group 5, Randovium. In Group 6, Magnus Valerius. In Group 7, East Lithuania. In Group 8...oh, I understand now, Bumiroar is what happens when you eat too much Spaam!" He takes another sip and then continues. "In Group 9, Pinguinum. And finally, in group 10, San Adriano. Now I hope you've all written that down, because I'm not doing it again."

Cinna begins to clap.

Wecoisus: "Any parting remarks, Cliff?"

Berkton: "Thank you for coming along. For those technologically inclined, there will be the full draw on the website. The matches of qualifying will start on the 19th November 2007 on the RL continuum. We shall see you again here for the finals draw, in early December in the same continuum."

Much clapping ensues, followed by the gradual departure of those in attendance.

http://i141.photobucket.com/albums/r56/kelchek/media/chronicleandherald.gif

St. Louis signs with Albrecht

Castors de Outineau defender and 9-cap Kelssek international Francois St. Louis is set to become the second Kelssekian footballer to ply their trade on foreign shores after signing a contract with Candelaria and Marquez side Albrecht FC.

Castors will receive $3.6 million upfront for the deal, with potentially up to $1.5 million more on the way if St. Louis earns another 20 caps for Kelssek or helps Albrecht to league or cup titles in his first two seasons.

This comes just a few months after another national team member, striker Ian Sinclair, signed with Cafundeu's A.F.F. and became Kelssek's first footballing export.

Asked to comment on this, Football Kelssek press director Thomas Ulaya said that it was only inevitable that footballers would have to head abroad to further their abilities.

"The reality is that Kelssek just isn't a football country. Our league simply isn't strong enough and can't provide the competition that moulds world-class football players. I'd say not only is this inevitable, but necessary if we want the sport in Kelssek to advance."

Ulaya added that he wouldn't be surprised to see even more Kelssekians playing abroad in the future.

"There might come a day when our entire national team plays overseas. But I think that will actually be positive. It's not that the KFL is a lost cause, but you can only go so far there."

Money, of course, is also a consideration. Football in Kelssek doesn't pay as well as hockey, rugby, or even the high-profile Olympic sports like swimming or alpine skiing where prize money and sponsorships propel top athletes into comfortable lives. It's different in countries where teams don't have to give tickets away just to fill the stadium.

"Opportunities are fantastic for any football player willing to make the move; in fact I think we should encourage these moves." said Ulaya.

Tobias was rather comfortable until the sprinkler system turned on and shot him square in the back. Rolling up to his feet, the sounds of laughter behind him gave a bit of focus to his anger. "About time you woke up. Nice to see you didn't die."

Tobias muttered some curses and walked inside, stepping around bottles on the floor. "What time is it?"

"Huh? Oh... like... quarter to one?"

"When's the match?" Tobias said, looking off the steps and into the kitchen.

"Two."

"Spectacular."

"Don't worry, it's.. I dunno, that team from the bar on Walton street."

"Oh, oh. Didn't we just play them like... 3 weeks ago, or something?"

"Yeah, it's the schedule. I dunno, either way, you have an hour to do what you need to do."

---

The axiom of Casaran low level soccer is, quite simply, "Winners don't wear red." Why, noone bloody knew. But for three years straight, no winner of the Casaran lower leagues wore red- and afterward, those that did abandoned their colors for something that wasn't entirely red- white sleeves, vertical stripes- no bright red. Maroon was big.

Of course, that little interlude makes little to no sense at the moment.

The Carter Street Revolution was the only name the players could settle on, and even that took them all being drunk. But Brit's was on Carter Street, and they paid for the kits, so it seemed as good as any.

And the lack of any good name didn't stop them from performing well- they were undefeated so far, 12-3-0 through the first half plus one of the season.

---

It was already 2-0 when Tob's head connected with a proper cross, putting the ball in the net for the third time of the evening. There wasn't much to watch afterward, however, with the game ending just a handful of minutes later. One or two slightly vulgar curses were thrown back and forth afterward, but nothing in an overly serious fashion as both headed back towards their respective drinking establishments.

Brit's was a bit dark, various sports being shown on a trio of aging TVs around the bar, scattered seating- the kind of place that would be uninviting for anyone who wasn't a regular or just going there because it was the closest available place.

"How's the match?" The bartender asked, pulling pints as the players walked in.

Tob shrugged. "Fine. Mike slipped on a ball knocked over from the Tyrmani field, but he's fine."

"You could say who won."

"You already know who won."

"Hehe, going for another promotion this year, eh?"

"Meh, it's not so much that we're so good as the other teams are quite poor."

"I'd agree, a bit of a dry spell. At any rate, it'll be nice to have the team in the City Firsts again, just like back in the day."

"That'll be sure. City cup's as good as ours, too, have that on Wednesday, don't we, Jimmy?"

"Yup!" Jimmy yelled from across the bar.

"There you go." Tob said, drinking. "But today, we'll probably do a bit of drinking, eh? Turn on the United game, Inter's going to get it's ass kicked today."

The bartender shook his head and grabbed the remote, changing the channel just in time to see a Corneria United equalizer. A roar went up from the players as they finished off whatever remained in their glasses and ordered another round.

---

Tobias was rather comfortable until the sprinkler system turned on and shot him square in the back. Rolling off of the street sign he was laying on and jumping to his feet, he cursed the roommate standing by the knob to turn them on and gave him a heartfelt v-sign while considering a further course of action to take as revenge.

"Man, you need to pick a better spot to pass out. You're killing the grass right there." He said as Tob stumbled in the house again.

"What time is it, Damnit?!?"

"Noon-thirty."

"Pfft, should have let me sleep longer... wait, Sunday, right?"

"Yes, Sunday." one of the roomates sitting on the couch said, not looking up from the spirited session of Risk that had already entered it's second session of play after a break for lunch at 11:45. "There's an outline of you in the lawn, you know."

"Aye, Rolly said that."

"No, he took a can of white spraypaint and did a line around you. Wrote twat on your forehead in marker too."

"... what?"

Another roommate thumped down the stairs and dodged by on the way to the kitched. "Hey Twat." he said, without missing a step.

"Oh, that guy is going to die."

Sel Appa (9)
Tynelia (18)
Dance 2 Revolution (33)
Geisenfried (42)
Daehanjeiguk (53)
Hopeless SC (114)
Alversia (153)
Mallatarsland (157)

President Johnson: (looks up from the paper reproduced above at Vice President White) What does this say about our chances?

Vice President White: Well…our chances aren’t very good to qualify, if that’s what you’re getting at, as only the first three teams will qualify from each group.

President Johnson: So, we’d have to leap over three teams in order to qualify.

Administrator Peterson: Right, Mr. President. Like we keep telling our people, it is highly unlikely that we’ll qualify this go round, or even the next. We’ll need to gain experience playing against the best in the world before we can seriously compete with them.

Vice President White: It’s like riding a bicycle, Mr. President. You have to fall off several times before you’re successful and can race on it.

President Johnson: So what can we expect in this World Cup?

Head Coach Thomas Larson: A lot of growing pains, Mr. President. It was the same way in my playing days. We weren’t competitive, but we’d be able to pull the occasional upset. I remember our nation’s debut like it was yesterday…We were playing in Jeruselem, who we weren’t expected to have a chance against, and I scored from midfield in the final minute for a stunning upset. I think they went on to qualify, but they certainly remembered who I was after that. It would have been funny if we’d have been drawn against them.

(the other three look at Larson in amusement)

President Johnson: How many wins can we hope for?

Head Coach Larson: Not many. We should be able to sweep our fellow Baptism of Fire competitors. We might be able to pull of an upset against Geisenfried and Daehanjeiguk. Other than that, we’re probably looking at a bunch of losses, especially against the top three in the group.

President Johnson: (cringes) That bad?

Administrator Peterson: Unfortunately, yes. It’s the curse of the newcomers to the World Cup.

Vice President White: I’m curious. How do you think our group will finish?

Head Coach Larson: I hesitate to say, since the other teams in our group could catch wind of it and use it as bulletin board material against us.

Administrator Peterson: I’m hesitant to say too, but our media outlets seem to have a pretty good general idea. (hands President Johnson a piece of paper)


Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Sel Appa
2. Tynelia
3. Geisenfried
4. Dance 2 Revolution
5. Hopeless SC
6. Daehanjeiguk
7. Mallatarsland
8. Alversia


Vice President White: And here’s the schedule, Mr. President.


at Dance 2 Revolution (33)
at Mallatarsland (157)
at Geisenfried (42)
vs. Tynelia (18)
vs. Alversia (153)
at Sel Appa (9)
vs. Daehanjeiguk (53)
vs. Dance 2 Revolution (33)
vs. Mallatarsland (157)
vs. Geinsenfried (42)
at Tynelia (18)
at Alversia (153)
vs. Sel Appa (9)
at Daehanjeiguk (53)


President Johnson: A lot of road games early and late for us, with a four game home stand in the middle.

Head Coach Larson: Yeah, and our matches against the top two teams come in a span of three matches. It’s definitely going to be an interesting World Cup.

Were releasing are critically acclaimed projected groupfiishings.
Vs team projected results (h then away) home game stadia

vs Scotchpinestan 3-0 2-3 Atlantea Collesium
vs New morissia 1-0 2-1 Taeshan soccer grounds
vs San adriano 1-2 3-2 Docktown memorial stadium
vs Yafor 2 2-1 2-1 X island indoor park
vs Kansiov 2-3 6-1 X island indoor park
vs The holy empire 3-2 2-2 Docktown memorial stadium
vs Zwangzug 3-3 1-19 Atlantea collesium

PROJECTED STANDINGS
Zwangzug, Yafor 2, The holy empire Qualify
Taeshan,New Morissia,Kansiov,San adriano

Nov 17 1933 Qazox:

(A Radio plays in Dr. Hadel's office as HE waits)

".. And now for the Sports report with Hank Green.

Hank: Thanks Tim. The World Cup 38 qualifing draw was held earlier today, live on QSPN of course. But for those of you who either don't watch or care about soccer, like most of us, [chuckles to himself], it went under the radar. But since there is no other REAL sports news, I guess I have to let you know the group the Pheonix or whatever they're calling themselves this time around is in. Let's see here.

#1 Az-cz the defending Champions.
Qazox at #22
#24 Turori
#44 Endmile
#62 Jeru FC
#103 Vanek Drury Brieres
#137 Onimar
and
Unranked Randovium

And the least important part the scheudle, Why so unimportant? Noone is going to go to any of these games.

MD1: @ Randovium
MD2: @ Jeru FC
MD3: @ Turori
MD4: vs. Endmile @ Estadia Pika, Pika City; Capacity: 78,625.
MD5: vs. Onimar @ SaxerDome, SaxerVilla; Capacity: 85,000.
MD6: @ Az-cz
MD7: vs. Vanek Drury Brieres @ Chek-Via Stadium, Fromburg; Capacity: 90,000.
MD8: vs. Randovium @ Estadia Pika, Pika City; Capacity: 78,625.
MD9: vs. Jeru FC @ SaxerDome, SaxerVilla; Capacity: 85,000.
MD10: vs. Turori @ Qazian Memorial Stadium, Qazox City; Capacity: 98,000.
MD11: @ Endmile
MD12: @ Onimar
MD13: vs Az-cz @ Qazian Memorial Stadium, Qazox City; Capacity: 98,000.
MD14: @ Vanek Drury Brieres

Well that's all the soccer junk I can take for this month, back to you Tim...

Tim: Thank you Hank. In other news President....

"Mr. Smith" the receptionist called out interupting the radio. "Mr. Smith? 12:00 appointment for Mr. Smith? Come right this way. The Doctor will be with you shortly."

Gregory Babcock winced as he perused the draw. "Goddamnit, Jeruselem. It's like those bastards are the preassigned bullies to beat us up."

Down in Dazza Dallas's basement ... Dazza Dallas and her daughter Jacinta pushed a TV into the basement. An apparition appeared out of the wall, Dinkie's ghost.

Dazza: Dinkie, there you are. We got you a TV to watch the World Cup 38, since you have nothing to do.
Dinkie: You didn't have to, I can watch using your TV.
Dazza: No, I insist! You have to take care of your guests even they are ghosts.
Jacinta: We got this one on special, well after Mum haggled with the retailer.

Dazza: It's amazing what wobbling your tits does.
Dinkie: How am supposed to change the channel?
Dazza: Jacinta will do that, she doesn't mind since she's at home most of the time.
Dinkie: I don't want to be too much trouble. Find out who killed me?

Dazza: We've heard neo-Nazis were responsible. In fact, we heard some of the conversatives have secretly allowed neo-Nazis to join their group in the common aim to restore so-called morality and to kick the Jews of Jeruselem.
Jacinta: Some German girls tried to beat me up at school but they got beaten up by my security guards first. Everyone is nice to me now.
Dinkie: Neo-Nazis? Sounds bad, so why me?
Dazza: You're Jewish and well, you're female too.

Dinkie: So what about World Cup team security?
Dazza: The Princess got it upgraded. No more weirdos sneaking around team rooms, team Jeruselem have their area sealed off.
Dinkie: Well, at least something good happened out this.
Jacinta: I like having security guards too! Being the sister of Princess.

Dinkie: How are music lessons going Jacinta?
Jacinta: Good good, teacher thinks I have natural singing talent.
Dazza: She's no good at football, but she can sing.
Jacinta: Everyone at school thinks that's funny, a Dallas girl lousy at football but who can sing when her Mum can't.

Dinkie: Well, that Corporal Rasmuffin Stickus said he's not a bad singer. I know Dazza can't sing, although Kate isn't bad.
Dazza: The singing genes aren't mine, figures. All my kids sing better than me.
Jacinta: I'll turn on the TV, it's the first FOOTBALL LIFE for this cup.

<They watch the first THE FOOTBALL LIFE for World Cup 38 with Kate Dallas and Kara Kool>

Dinkie: Pretty girl that Kara is.
Dazza: Well, her mother was quite good looking as was her Dad.
Jacinta: At she knows who her Dad is
Dazza: Don't get too cheeky Jacinta, one day you'll be biking around.

Dinkie: Not a bad group we have.
Dazza: Actually, it's nice one. Compared to Group 8, it's good.
Jacinta: Jeru FC and Qazox in the same group! That's funny.
Dinkie: Yeah, we like following them around.

*Somewhere deep inside Miceland*

"Do you have the shape?"

"Yes"

"Is it safe, is it Hidden?"

"Of course it is, who do you think I am."

"Good, good... Give it to me."

"What? No! You know the deal, only I was to bear the burden of it."

"GIVE IT TO ME!" The second mouse shouted, it could have been anywhere but no one was around to hear it.

"NO!"

"Then you have sealed your fate!" The second mouse started raise a paw.

"What has gotten into it's him isn't it... it's.... AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

An unknown form of arcane energy lept from the paw of the 2nd mouse and seemed to bury into the skull of the first which became wracked with pain.

"Give it to me." he said in totally different unrecognisable voice.

"No, even if I did I wouldn't give it to you!" the first counted seemingly still able to respond.

"You will tell me where it is then." a sick smile crossed the second mouse's lips as he enjoyed the torture he was inflicting pain on.

"NEVER!"

And the second one didn't even speak a burst of energy coming from his paw resulted in an amazing explosion of light for a moment, and then there was nothing left. The remaining mouse walked away and talked to himself.

"Foolish mouselings, you cannot prevent the prophescy from coming true!"
And with that he was gone.

~~~

Meanwhile the Miceland Mauraders where doing their last preperations.

"Group 6... That's...


Kelssek
Miceland
Capitalizt SLANI
Jeruselem
Magnus Valerius
Candelaria And Marquez
Kiryu-shi
Uiri


...which means...


MD1: vs. Kiryu-shi: Miceland International Stadium
MD2: @ Uiri
MD3: vs. Jeruselem: Miceland International Stadium
MD4: @ Candelaria And Marquez
MD5: @ Kelssek
MD6: vs. Capitalizt SLANI: Miceland International Stadium
MD7: @ Magnus Valerius
MD8: @ Kiryu-shi
MD9: vs. Uiri: Miceland International Stadium
MD10: @ Jeruselem
MD11: vs. Candelaria And Marquez: Miceland International Stadium
MD12: vs. Kelssek: Miceland International Stadium
MD13: @ Capitalizt SLANI
MD14: vs. Magnus Valerius: Miceland International Stadium

"

"Gah, don't do that to us again, speak information like that into a hologram that was freaky."

"Oh, grow up. You should expect these sort of things we're Mice for crying out loud. Mice are not normally sentient nor magical creatures."

"I'll be officially posting the roster soon, but everyone that was here for the Cup of Harmony, will be here again for the World Cup and no. We'll be playing as mice, playing as humans only works in our advantage if we'll have enough time to proberly prepare and if they don't suspect it. The good teams will be preparing in either case. Alright off we go."

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MONKS GIRD LOINS FOR GLORIOUS HUMILIATION
Campaign For Non-Qualification Begins

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Following the release last night of the World Cup 38 qualification groups, officials from the Monastic Football Association were said to be "giving thanks unto the Lord" for "a difficult qualifying group that places many obstacles - hopefully insurmountable ones - on the path to qualification".

With most media attention in the Archregimancy focusing on the bitter power struggle between the conservative and liberal factions in the MFA, few have noticed the change in the power balance between the other two main footballing philosophies: the struggle between the 'competition' faction who seek to glorify God and Orthodoxy through victory, and the 'humility' faction who believe that trying to win is unbecoming to the Orthodox monastic. Liberal and conservative humility faction members have temporarily set aside their differences over their conflicting attitudes towards heretical and heathen opposition teams and used the recent political disruption to take charge of the MFA for the first time in living memory.

"I doubt you'll notice the difference" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Our recent performances have been so poor that many neutral observers have mistakenly believed the 'humility' faction has been in charge for the last three world cups. Only the recent disappointment of failing to not progress past the first round of the Cup of Harmony has in any way interrupted our backwards slide through the rankings. This time we're hopeful of doing very poorly indeed."

Certainly any group that features perennial powers Squornshelous, recent powerhouses Bettia, the fierce pagans of Vikingholm, recent World Cup co-hosts Ad'ihan, and recently revived former powers Casari and Spaam promises to present a formidable challenge for all of the Group 8 teams. MFA officials are confidently aiming towards the goal of finishing second-last in the group.

"They are all equal in my sight - or rather my non-sight" said national team goalkeeper Fr. George the Blind "and I shall be sure to treat them all the same; it's not as if I'll be able to see our opponents shoot at goal anyway."

The 10 most Secret Secret Secrets of the Secret Welsh Ninja Warrior Holy Empire Football Player

As secretly revealed to World Cup Hall of Fame Commentators Basil & Theo

1) The True Ninja Warrior Treads as Softly as the Wool of the New-born Lamb

2) The True Ninja seeks not Victory - He Seeks Llanfairgogogoch (usually by crossing the Menai straits)

3) Though Wales is not in the Holy Empire, the Ninja Warrior Cares Not for Beans

4) Non-sequiters are the Hallmark of the Lazy, Untrained Mind

5) Group 10 Features Many Teams. Some of them are Good. Others are Not.

6) Frequent Misuse of Capitalisation Drives Many Opponents to Distraction.

7) So Do Consonant Clusters. 'Ll', 'dd', 'ff' and 'rh' are the Welsh Ninja Warrior's Secret Weapon.

8) Seek to Cloak Thyself in the Raiment of the Coal Miner After a Long Day Down the Big Pit, and None shall See Thee at Night

9) Climb the Slate Hills of Blaenau Ffestiniog, and None Shall Be as Fit as Thee

10) If We Told You This Secret, We'd Have to Kill You.

The Isangrad Times

Heroes of the Empire

This week's hero...

Name: Maximilian von Hohenstauffen

Age: 18

Height: 6'3"

Weight: 203 lbs.

Hometown: Östzellburg, Baden, Magnus Valerius

Current Residence: Zellburg, Baden, Magnus Valerius

Occupation: Footballer: Striker for the Zellburg Warriors; Striker, Star Player, and Team Captain for the National Team, The Boyars.

Relationship Status: Single (and looking, ladies)

Yes, one man who can be called a Hero of The Valerian Empire is Maximilian von Hohenstauffen. This young footballer has 'football' coursing through his veins. His father Karl was a football player, and his grandfather was a football legend, Jozef von Hohenstauffen. Jozef was a legend who defined the image of a Valerian football player and who inspired George Illyanich, another Valerian sports legend, to play football and reach the national team.

Why is "Max" von Hohenstauffen a hero? Why, because at age 18, he has already accomplished so much in the football field here in Magnus Valerius. He has tons of potential due to his bloodline, and of course, he is young and ready to play and earn some world-class experience. He is already team captain, and after another world cup or two, he will indeed, be another Valerian football legend!

“No, no, you see, I’m the manager of the Candelaria And Marquez national team. We, uh, couldn’t find a representative who was particularly keen on coming back to this part of the world after the… y’know… primate-related unpleasantness a couple’ a years back?”

“Hm.”

“Obviously you people can be a little… touchy, if you will, about your historical clock towers and inadvertent child abductions and that… sort of… thing.”

The huge security guard grinned toothily. Mark Baker, the spry sixty-year-old coach of the Big Blues, smiled back earnestly.

“So, if you could just let us in to see the draw, that’d be–”

“Where’s yer pass?”

“Ah… Yeah, about that, Ric – this is Ricardo Garcia my assistant–”

“¡Hola!”

“Ric kinda lost his – you have really complicated toilets here by the way. May want to have a look at that before inviting the world to Vircais. And, um… Well, I swallowed mine.”

“Yeh swallered yer laminated name badge?”

“Mm, it’ll go down in the anals of history, that. Ric had to do the heimlich ‘n’ everything. Sorry. But, y’know, come on. It’s us! Mark Baker and Ricardo Garcia and, thingy, the goalkeeping coach–”

“Elroy Ergins,” said Elroy Ergins, the goalkeeping coach.

“Yeah. We’re Candelaria And Marquez. Everybody knows us. Good ol’ C&M, nice t’see they’re still making an effort. All that. So…”

“Yer not cummin in wivout a baj.”

“No… Okay. Um, there must be a Sorthern Northandish-themed pub around here somewhere, then? There always is.”

***

A short time later and Baker, Garcia and Ergins were in O’Malley’s; nestled in a corner and nursing three orange juices. Suspicious locals were eyeing them as the World Cup draw started on the disappointingly small telly in the opposite corner. They squinted and cocked their ears.

“…oup 4: Saint Samuel. In Group 5: Endmile. In Group 6: Candelaria. Also in Group 6: Marq…”

The trio dived for their notebooks in a macabre race to see who would be the first to deliver the bad news. In the event, reality dawned simultaneously.

“Christing arseholes, it’s the bloody whores again,” Ergins muttered.

Baker groaned. “Commerce Heights an’ all.”

”Who?”

“Unified Capitalizzzzt… um. Slanny. I think Manhattan comes into it somewhere.”

“And they call us complicated. Ooh, and Kiryu-shi.”

“Didn’t our kids beat them recently?”

“Three-nil. They’ll start as favourites to get in ahead of us though, won’t they?”

“Shu-shh…. They’re drawing the next one.” Uiri appeared out of the pot. Baker rolled his eyes. “Oh, not again. That goalkeeper still keeps me awake at night after the Harmony.”

Garcia grinned. “You mean the goalkeeper that will have had several months experience playing against Candelariasian teams and players for Radyukevich after he signed for them a few days ago?”

“Yes, Ric. That one. Did he just say Kelssek again?”

“You mean the Kelssek that held us to a goalless draw at home last time around and have a left-back who’ll have several months experience playing against Candelariasian teams and players for Albrecht after he signed for them a few days ago?”

“I expect I do, Ric. Christ, they’re rocking through them now. Did Wet Coitus just say…?”

“The Mice of Miceland, Bakes, yeah.”

“Ah, you mean the same Mice of Miceland who’re mice, Ric?”

“The very same, amigo.”

“Jolly good. Our mutual friend’s going to earn his money this campaign, isn’t he…?”

***

Many miles away, and a continuitially awkward few seconds prior to the above events, somewhere near the heart of the sprawling governmental complexes in the Candelariasian capital Albrecht; Lyndon Hernández, Chair of the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Rushmori Agricultural Subsidies and Minister for Rational Thought, sat in his second-favourite swivelly chair. He absent-mindedly spun a gold bangle around on an index finger like a hoola hoop. He’d always been fond of hoola hooping as a child; the simple challenge of keeping the unwieldy object spinning for as long as possible. There was probably an analogy in that somewhere. He sighed. He supposed people would consider the practise a little effeminate in these less innocent days. But then boxers did it, didn’t they? Or was that hopscotch?

He woke himself from his mental wanderings to return to the screen.

“…versia. In Group 4: Bergelland. In Group 5: Onimar. In Group 6: Miceland In Gro–”

Hernández cursed quietly, and hit a satisfying large black button on his desk.

“Dan?”

“Sir?”

“You’re watching this?”

“Of course. How would you like me to proceed?”

Hernández glanced at the bangle still spinning on his finger, and let it tumble noisily onto the desk. He gave it a long look.

“All things considered, Dan? In the current climate, there’s no way we’re playing mice.” He heard his assistant rub his slender hands together.

“Do I get to invent a country to take their place again?”

“If you think that’s best, Dan,” the Minister sighed. “Can you try not to make them so fascist this time, though?”

“Oh. But fascists are so much fun,” Daniel Martino, elf, muttered in a crestfallen fashion.

The four Bostopian crewmen were scouring the tables in the theatre – still checking their corners – while looking for the table with the small Bostopian flag, noting their position for the group draw.

“There's the table, sir! Surroundings look clear.”

As the men sat down, they emptied their pockets of stolen flags, nibbles, and other assorted items onto the table.

The Commander looked around. “Who are we sat by?”

“Aye up!” Spoke the gunner, “We're sat by the Casarans! Top stuff!”

“Hello, allies!” the Commander shouted across.

The Casaran delegation looked round, and gave a slightly embarrassed wave back.

“'ere, Sirh, there's fahve seats larkh, an' only four o' us!”

“You're right. Who in the blazes could be the fifth delegate?”

At that moment, the sound of military boots marching came into earshot. Various delegations turned round, with an audible “oh shi-” from a nearby table. The Bostopian Commander turned round.

“It's Denfeld!”

“JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!”

A strong arm gripped Higgins' shoulder, pulling him back down to the table.

“We can't exactly 'jimmy do one, bruv!' when Field Marshal Denfeld has just walked in. Just...act natural.”

“JIMMY DO O-”

“No, Higgins, not that natural.”

“Ah, right-o sir.”

The four Tank Crewmen stood up and saluted the Field Marshal, who saluted back.

“Evening, men...wait, didn't I leave you on sentry duty back in Casari?”

“Yes sir, at about the same time as you told us you were going for a quick nap.”

Denfeld considered his options. “Well, that'll be the last time we talk of that then, what what?”

“Yes, sir.”

Higgins muttered to Jeffreys - “I thought I heard someone shout 'Jimmy do one, bruv!'!”

The group talked for a bit, threw various bread rolls at other delegations, and generally made a lot of noise and hassle for everyone else in attendance.

So much so, that they missed the draw completely, only realising what group they were in when the final results were announced. The message was passed back to BFA Headquarters in Fort Boston, and a press release was quickly made.

---Channel 9 Studios, Fort Boston, Fort Boston State, Bostopia---

[Griffis] I'm Greg Griffis, welcome back to Channel 9 News, Bostopia. The Group Draw has been made for Qualification to World Cup 38, held in Kura-Pelland and Vephrall, and the Football Association has been quick to release the fixture list, which is as follows.

FR01: Bostopia -v- Casari - Bostopia Stadium, Fort Boston
MD01: Bostopia -v- Milchama - Bostopia Stadium, Fort Boston
MD02: Wentland -v- Bostopia
MD03: Bostopia -v- Lovisa - Deepbay Stadium, Port Flamerty
FR02: TBA
MD04: Green wombat -v- Bostopia
MD05: Bostopia -v- East Lithuania - Copsequay Stadium, Fenton
MD06: Prux -v- Bostopia
MD07: Bostopia -v- Nire and Nire - Sky Blue Stadium, Henrikstad
MD08: Milchama -v- Bostopia
MD09: Bostopia -v- Wentland - Fort Boston Arena, Fort Boston
FR03: TBA
MD10: Lovisa -v- Bostopia
MD11: Bostopia -v- Green wombat - Junker Stadium, Prussingberg
MD12: East Lithuania -v- Bostopia
MD13: Bostopia -v- Prux - Bostopia Stadium, Fort Boston
MD14: Nire and Nire -v- Bostopia

Here at Channel 9, we've made a few predictions, and we see Bostopia finishing second in the group, and qualifying for the World Cup for the third time, with Wentland and Milchama joining us in advancement.

And in other news, Prime Minister Alan Sentor has relaxed travel restrictions for incoming football fans, as is customary in Bostopia when Qualification rolls around. For more on the story, Stephanie Madfern at Fort Boston International.

NOV 17 1933 QAZOX (just moments after the last post)

"Mr Smith is it? what can I do for you?" Dr. Hadel asked.

"Doctor Hadel, I've done my research and you are just the Doc I'm looking for." HE replied.

"Why did you have to research me? I'm just a simple.." was the reply before HE jabbed a needle into Dr. Hadel's neck.

"Beacuse you won't be missed at all, after I tell your secretary you're going on vacation." HE said.

With in minutes, Dr. Hadel and HE were walking out the door of Hadel's office, with a stunned secretary watching them walk into the streets of Gothika.

Official Venues Report

(MD02) Sel Appa vs. Dance 2 Revolution -- Merrack Field
(Capacity: 40,000) -- Sel Appa beat D2R to get into the Knockout Rounds last cup, making this an expectedly popular match. However, not enough pre-order tickets were sold to merit a larger stadium.

(MD04) Sel Appa vs. Geisenfried -- Roflcoptre Dome (Roflton)
(Capacity: ??,000)

(MD06) Sel Appa vs. Hopeless SC -- Anila City Stadium (Anila City)
(Capacity: 80,000) -- As has been tradition, the FFSA put the lesser-known teams in larger stadiums so they get more exposure.

(MD07) Sel Appa vs. Alversia -- Grand Archduke Kirby I (Anila City)
(Capacity: 64,000) -- Further continuing the tradition, the FFSA put the lesser-known teams in larger stadiums so they get more exposure.

(MD08) Sel Appa vs. Daehanjeiguk -- Turtle Stadium (Nemnenait)
(Capacity: 128,000) -- Widely promoted as the "match to see", Daehanjeiguk is a favorite foreign side comparable to Ariddia and Cafundeu. All 50,000 pre-order tickets sold out even before the stadium was announced. The remainder sold out shortly after the stadium was announced. An estimated 25,000 tickets are being or have been resold due to the demand.

(MD10) Sel Appa vs. Mallatarsland -- Real Field (Fizroe)
(Capacity: 72,000) -- Further continuing the tradition, the FFSA put the lesser-known teams in larger stadiums so they get more exposure.

(MD12) Sel Appa vs. Tynelia -- NativeZone (Natives Province)
(Capacity: 32,000)

"We're back."

That's what the GWFA said, but after 12 years of being out of the limelight and despite somehow qualifing for 2 Cups without having a set roster or mention by the national press, Fianlly someone in the ministry of information has allowed the press (meaning me, Jason Vallens, the lone sports reporter) to cover The Wombats triumphant return to the international stage.

Since we've left, Az-cz won a World Title as did Arridia. Many of old countries have either ceased to exist or have declned to play in the Cup. Heck two countries I've never heard of hosted the World Cup 4 years ago: Ad'ihan and Novapsolu. And now Vephrall is a host? Who the heck are these countries?

But now for the important part: The group the Wombats will have to play to get back into the Cup:

GROUP 7
Bostopia
East Lithuania
Wentland
Prux
Lovisa
Nire and Nire
Green wombat
Milchama

Let's run the list down ok?

Bostopia- A good team, haven't played them, but they are good.
East Lithuania- Wouldn't that be Russia? never played or head of them until now.
Wentland- Great Women's team (whatever happened to the Women's World Cup?) and their National team isn't a slouch either.
Prux- Supposedly also from the Q continnuum, but never heard of them until now. Must have split off of Qazox, they like to give their colonies independence.
Lovisa- Classic underachievers, but they're a bit better than us.
Nire and Nire- I have no idea at all.
Milchama- A good team, one of the best sporting nations in the world, they've been in almost every thing.

How I see the Group finishing (top 3 advance to World Cup)
MILCHAMA
WENTLAND
BOSTOPIA
Lovisa
Green wombat
Prux
East Lithuania
Nire and Nire

Our schedule:
MD1: @ East Lithuania
MD2: vs PRUX
MD3: @ Nire and Nire
MD4: vs BOSTOPIA
MD5: @ Wentland
MD6: vs LOVISA
MD7: vs MILCHAMA
MD8: vs EAST LITHUANIA
MD9: @ Prux
MD10: vs NIRE AND NIRE
MD11: @ Bostopia
MD12: vs WENTLAND
MD13: @ Lovisa
MD14: @ Milchama

WORLD CUP 38 A to Z

A- A'dihan: Can one of the previous Hosts make it back to the Cup again? (No).
B- Bostopia: We have to play them in our group. (two losses there).
C- Capitalizt SLANI: Our Pick to win it all this time around.
D- Daehanjeiguk: Our Dark Horse pick to get into the Cup.
E- East Lithuania: We have to play them in our group: (A split).
F- French nations: Will underperform during this Cup.
G- Green wombat: Welcome back, and we'll sweep them.
H- Holy Empire: Will not qualify for the Cup (our Upset Pick).
I- Italian w/ Hot Peppers Sub: On sale for $3.50 this World Cup!
J- Jeruselem: Our pick for 2nd place.
K- Krytenia: will finish with the best record during Qualifers.
L- Lovisa: will finish 3rd in our group (and beat us twice).
M- Milchama: will win our Group (and destroy us twice).
N- Nire and Nire: will finish last in our group (two wins for us).
O- 007: Will score at least 10 goals during the qualifers for us.
P- Prux: Will finish 5th in Group 7.
Q- Qazox: Will finally advance to the Quarterfinals (and lose).
R- Rangpur: will finish with the worst overall record.
S- Sel Appa: will finish 3rd in the World Cup.
T- Tynelia: will dissapoint, failing to get out the Group Stage.
U- Ulzaxid: will do better than most think, but still will fail to qualify.
V- Vephrall: One of the Co-Hosts of this Cup.
W- Wentland: Will finish 4th overall and 2nd in our group (2 losses for us).
X- 95X: Can a radio station team actully do well? (No).
Y- Yafor 2: Our Longshot pick to win the World Cup.
Z- Zwangzug: Ends this post.

Our Prediction for Prux: 5 wins 0 draws 9 losses 5th in Group.

Demot Daily ~ The Next

Welcome back my friends to another edition of the Trials and Tribulations of the Dynamo of Demot. Yes, it's time for the qualifies to begin again, though it was just eight months ago that our beloved group of lads and lasses were out there fighting it out with Az-cz for the title of the previous World Cup. So what do our squad have in mind following an improbable second place finish last tournament? If you asked Masteron, it would be simply to get back to the Proper and see how things shake out from there. Ever the mindful, he believes that the qualifying group presented will prove to be quite a challange, despite the success of last tournament. If you asked the players, it's getting back to the semifinals, but when you ask the fans, they are expecting the team to finally capture a title after taking second and third and continually being in the Proper.

So what do us "experts think" ? Well, the group could very well prove to be a challange, as the BoF winners are present, but it will be teams like Northern Bettia and St Sameul that present the real challange. Many would think that Oliverry would be the greatest threat to the Dynamo's run to another group title, but with the history the two nations have, in which Demot has never lost to Oliverry in World Cup play, it would seem that those are four or six points in the bag. Northern Bettia's rough and rowdy style of play are what most of us have concerns over, with our possession pass attack style being somewhat vulnerable to their tactics if we idle on the ball to long. That said, I expect very few hiccups along the way to another group title and on the way to the Proper, where I expect them to at least get to the Quarterfinals. Now what will be a surprise is St Samuel slipping past Northern Bettia to get into the Finals.

Group 4 Predictions
Demot
Oliverry
St Samuel
Northern Bettia
The Pazhujeb Islands
Bumiroar
Sorthern Northland
Bergelland

Schedule
MD1: Demot v Oliverry
MD2: The Pazhujeb Islands v Demot
MD3: Sorthern Northland v Demot
MD4: St Samuel v Demot
MD5: Demot v Northern Bettia
MD6: Demot v Bumiroar
MD7: Bergelland v Demot
MD8: Oliverry v Demot
MD9: Demot v The Pazhujeb Islands
MD10: Demot v Sorthern Northland
MD11: Demot v St Samuel
MD12: Northern Bettia v Demot
MD13: Bumiroar v Demot
MD14: Demot v Bergelland

Article by Rich Baker

Beningrad Morning Star

With just days to go before the new World Cup campaign starts Sorthern Northland manager Kevaughn Ó Croithiam has announched his first ever World Cup squad. (See here) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13225810&postcount=36)

Rather surprisingly the squad is exactly the same as the picked by Kevin hugh for the last World Cup. It does seem that the new manager though will be making a couple of changes to the starting line up with goalkeeper George Palmer losing the number one shirt to Jonny Sage and Neuville Senna losing the number nine shirt to the highly rated youngster Jung Mao. With much of the squad now in their late 20's it remains to be seen whether these players will have another chance to qualify for the World Cup in four years time. Certainly the players should now be in their prime. The Sortherners though only have an outside chance of qualfying with so called experts predicting a low finnish in the group. Sharing group 4 will be Bumiroar, Bergelland, Demot, Oliverry, Northern Bettia, The Pazhujeb Islands, and St Samuel. The teams fixtures will be as follows:

MD1: Sorthern Northland v The Pazhujeb Islands
MD2: St. Samuel v SN
MD3: SN v Demot
MD4: Northern Bettia v SN
MD5: Bumiroar v SN
MD6: SN v Bergelland
MD7: Oliverry v SN

From matchday 7 to 14 the fixtures will be played in the same order but reveresed.

It wasn't as though he'd memorized the KPB ranks or anything. He just happened to know that Zwangzug was in the top 10. So, watching the group draw (in retrospect, he couldn't remember why he'd decided to watch it live), and seeing the top seeds for groups one through nine, he could make a pretty good guess as to who was left.

So, process of elimination, didn't mean a thing. Even San Adriano, the last team drawn, could make for an interesting game. World Cup 37, in and around Ad'ihan, had been proof enough that countries barely big enough to fit a stadium in could nonetheless produce capable teams.

It could have been worse. Instead of Yafor 2, they could have drawn whatever the Gupta Dynasty was. Indian monarchies would not be popular in Zwangzug.

And yet, would anyone care? Not even Taeshan could provoke the National Socialist Grammarian Writers' Party to rally in protest. That was the thing about being on top: it could very easily become complacency. But victory had never truly been his aim, like it was for the teammates he dismissed as shallow.

There were teams among the top twenty that weren't participating, making room for others to become second seeds. Once Cafundéu had been drawn, Andrew felt only frustration: knowing what was coming, not knowing anything to do about it.

Celebrate, maybe, that they'd drawn a team outside the top 20.

He had considered himself too rational, once, to believe in "home-field advantage".

At the grand old age of one hundred and twenty-two, the now somewhat ironically-named Matthew Young was figuring it was about time that he wrote some memoirs, before it really was too late. Matthew was, of course, the oldest Starblaydi to ever have played international football for the white-and-purples, having made four uneventful appearances for Starblaydia in their World Cup Fifteen qualifying campaign, some ninety-one years previous to World Cup Thirty-Eight.

He browsed the internet daily, keeping up with the world as one of the many silver surfers, though 'thin and wispy white tuft surfers' would have been a more-appropriate category to put Matthew in. He stumbled upon an 'A to Z of World Cup 38' and wondered what would be going on in the world today. The answer was, in his inimitable style, "nobodies".

Prux? Sel Appa? Nire and Nire? Ulzaxid? What the hell was going on with world football today? Matthew decided, like any true Starblaydi, that the only thing to do would be correct the twenty-four glaring errors, one slight correction and one obvious correct letter in the Prux list. And so he came up with...



The definitive A to Z of the World Cup.
------------------------------by Matthew Young


A is for... Ariddia
Everything that has an ending has a beginning, and this nation is where it all began, so it's only right and proper that this is where any A to Z begins.

B is for... Belmore, Alan
The life-president of The Belmore Family who scored every goal for their nation and owned the club 'team of the godmods'. Spawned Oliverry's only famous player, Jean-Allan Bellemort, and a host of other clones.

C is for... Commies and CapitaliZts
Sport often took a sideline to heated and frenetic, yet somehow still friendly, debates over socio-political and economic persuasions. We still have numbers of both in ample measure, but never as good as the originals.

D is for... Druids
Whether of the regular, NEWI Cefn or the rarely-sighted Flexsys variety, you can't have a proper World Cup - or an AOCAF - without them, and even the Schiavone would agree on that one.

E is for... Evisceramatoes
Holy. Shit. Those tomatoes were coming to kill you, and you'd better have ran if you knew what was good for you.

F is for... FMJ
Still rulers of the roost in terms of on- and off-topic sporting chat, their Under-21 feats will not easily be forgotten, as will the rise and fall of the phoenician participation in the Cup's long and prestigious history.

G is for... Goals
The reason why we play, with thousands of them having been turned out and forgotten by all but the participants. Some, however, live long in other people's memories: An egg one, NEWI Cefn Druids nil. When the final whistle goes, you want more of these than your opponent, always.

H is for... HC
Surely no geek can ever look like that in real life?

I is for... Iansisle
Though more famous for Ice Hockey participation - "It's not the world cup of hockey, it's the Cherry Cup." - the Gulls and their axe-wounded fans, particularly Throckmorth Alabaster, would always turn up and have to look for the nearest Accident and Emergency department.

J is for... [i]Jenji Y
Five minutes to go, you're losing four-nil. On comes Y'he and it's the greatest five-four comeback you've ever seen. Since the last time he did it.

K is for... Karela
You don't play all-out-defence, you play Karela. Rejistania's greatest - or some say worst - gift to the world's greatest game. Come on 0-0!

L is for... Lovisa win


M is for... Melmond's Mental Muse Malarkey
Way back when, the nation of Melmond, ruled at that point by a nutcase called Melly, the entire nation was based around an imaginary new-progressive rock band. Unfortunately, Melly fell into a Supermassive Black Hole and was never seen again.

N is for... Niblick, Rami
Some fool of a Krytenian, who's original name was sadly lost in the mists of time, swore that he'd change his name to Rameses Niblick III if Starblaydia won World Cup 25. Oh look, down to the Deed Poll office for a name-change for you, my cyan son!

O is for... Orthodoxy
We've had Druids, and we also have to have the monks. When you play away in a dreamed realm, you certainly know about it, one of the most sublime and insane experiences any one can have.

P is for... Parade, Bulls on
One of the more famous magazines in World Cup history, the raging bull mascot of the Audioslavian national team was ever the source for insightful articles on the game. And for it's god-awful lime green and crimson colours, matching the Bulls themselves.

Q is for...Qualification, 'Qazox's Group of Death' attempts at
Every nation thinks they'll have a struggle to get to the World Cup, and the letter 'Q' is something every single person wants to see beside their nation's name in the final group tables. No matter what, though, you can be sure some qaz-spam will be around to tell you they've got it harder than anyone else, having a seeding pot One, Two and Three team in their group!

R is for... Rankings, KPB
Created by Kaze Progressa and then 'modified' (i.e. fixed) by Bedistan, they are one of the few things in existence that many people are even barely aware of what the letters originally stood for. You can't have a proper cup without them, though. Unless it's the BoF, when you don't need them.

S is for... Simeone Di Bradini
One of the greatest players ever, in the Hall of Fame, with a Cup named after him, and a President of the World Cup Committee, 'SDB' simply can't be missed out. And, come on, one self-serving entry has to go in somewhere in the list.

T is for... TnUI (and occasionally Mrs TnUI)
For so long the king (and occasionally replaced by the queen) of sporting chat, until tyranny took over and everyone was ejected. Somehow the most long-lived one decided to run the tournament for youngsters.

U is for... Urk
Giant Zucchini's ever-present player, who was as integral to the cup as 'World' and 'Cup' for a very long time, longer than most people can even remember. Including me.

V is for... Vilkaous Warns of Vilita Threat
Vilita's coach announced his team on the world stage rather loudly, and then the nation went on to generally dominate most of the football world for a good long while, along with their cronies Turori. Wild eel-cat things can still be seen occasionally roaming the grassy pitches of the world, but only if you look closely.

W is for... Winners
Thirty-seven cups completed, and every one wants to be these: the Winners.

X is for... 'X' Factor
No dodgy reality singing talent shows here, but the crucial ingredient we all look for in a winning team, or a winning response to a match. Whether everything to do with a football match or everything but, we don't just want plain old newspaper reports every day do we, really?

Y is for... Yafor 2
Seriously, now, they've been around for ages, and can you think of a better World Cup-related thingamybob beginning with 'Y'? Didn't think so. Prux was right on at least this one.

Z is for... Zucchini, Giant
Two mentions of vegetables in the top-twenty six, and a deserved one at that. GZ were always there or thereabouts. Plus 'Z' is a difficult one.

San Adriano drawn in Group 10

There was some excitement in the tiny village-nation (http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/8046/testsa51yg5.jpg) of San Adriano following the announcement of group draws. Coach Sperenza Marani says the national team is "ready and eager" for its participation in the World Cup.

The country is so tiny that it's frequently left off world maps, but it boasts a proud record in international sport, punching way about its weight. Despite having a population of fewer than five hundred, it has three world class athletes who have won Olympic medals: Sabrina Vannucci (gold in swimming), Thomas Peruzzi (silver and bronze in short track speedskating), and Benjamin Eash (bronze in table tennis).

San Adriano's first match will be on home ground against Kansiov. "Home ground" in this case means at the Sanadrianese National Stadium, which is actually located in neighbouring Uhuh-Topia, not in San Adriano itself.

The team's first match abroad will be on MD3, against Zwangzug. Thanks to extremely generous assistance from Starblaydi company ediraf (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13076627&postcount=26), almost the entire national population is expected to go and attend the game in Zwangzug.

San Adriano is a parliamentary monarchy, and Her Royal Highness Princess Serena, the country's monarch, will personally welcome the first visiting team (from Kansiov). Her Highness is also expected to fly to Zwangzug for her country's first away match. The Princess, accompanied by her son Crown Prince Mauro, is expected to meet Zwangzug's leaders on what will also be an official State visit.

Ariddians set for come-back

Following their less than spectacular performance last time round, the Rouge-et-Noirs will be looking to strike fear into the hearts of all and sundry once more, as should be right and proper. The team -which now officially represents the Federation of the Ariddian Isles, and includes two North-West Ariddians- is a mostly rejuvenated one, as twelve players have retired since the thirty-sixth edition of the World Cup.

Consequently, there are a great many unknowns. Who has, in all honesty, ever heard of Cindy Church, Abdel Mohamed or Aa Senecky? But there is also the reassurance of familiar faces. Mary E'it, after all, has been around since World Cup 35. Jarl Knudsen, the astoundingly swift hulk of bone and muscle known as the "Flying Mountain", is now the team's main goalie. Siblings Naoki Tonnelier and Yuto Takahara are a safe value. And Jamilah Shahrour... Well, surely she no longer needs introducing.

The Rouge-et-Noirs have been drawn in Group 2, where they will face (among others) old foes Starblaydia, as well as the Jasiyun team and Ulzaxid. The opening match, in fact, will pit two former World Champions against one another, as the players in purple are welcomed at Stade National Rêvane-Sud.

"We can't say we're being eased into this Cup," coach Jane Sanderson commented when the news fell that the Ariddian Isles' first opponent would be Starblaydia. "On the other hand, we'll be very happy to greet them in Ariddia, and if we win, it'll be a fantastic start."

This reporter, for one, is looking forward to the clash.

And to finding out what happens when "the Flying Mountain" tries to dance the ulek.

Don't miss it.

As the mist begin to lighten up, the youthful looking Constant stepped onto the soft, green grass of the Hatire Memorial. The lights were on, the field was ready, and the stands were empty. It was as it should be for Constant. A picture perfect venue ready for a magnificent match in the world's game. In a few hours, those stands would be filled with thousands of screaming and cheering fans, the grass would be getting cut up by the cleats of twenty-two detirmined athletes, and the stillness of the air would be replaced by the ruckus atmosphere of a football match that would kick off the qualifying campaign for him and his side. It was just a few tournaments ago that he was leading the players out as the captain. Now he was part of the braintrust that was entitled in creating the right tactics, calling up the right players, and keeping the players in the right mind. Oh how things soo quickly change. It is a world of chaos and change, everything is in constant motion and if you're not willing to keep in stride, you'll be swept to the side. Football is no exception, just ask Starblaydia. Former World Cup champions who sat out a few tournaments and are now minnows in the great ocean of competitors chomping at the bit to hoist that trophy and bring the glory of being a champion to their nations.

Be that as it may, this right here was perfect. Even with his side filled with talent and ready to make their run, there will always be doubt and uncertainty about whether they can live up to their billing. Questions about if the influx of new players due to the formation of Valanora could create a chemistry that the Marauders of the past four tournaments had. Can the retirement of former stars Jere Jannian and Rick Cuellar be too much for the squad to overcome? All of this chaos would trouble many managers, probably send a few into insomnia and early greyness, but not Constant. As long as he had the calm and perfection of the greatness of the game, all would be well. He took one more look around the stadium, and motioned for Titenburg to bring the squad onto the pitch for prematch warmups. A friendly against Vephrall in the home of Elven Football is the perfect beginning to what would should be another entertaining chapter of Constant and the Marauders.

Norman Hacker stormed through the corridors of power at the WFA. "Where is he? WHERE IS HE!!! BRING ME THE HEAD OF THE SECRETARY!!!!"

The Secretary was enjoying a nice cup of tea and a chocolate hob-nob whilst watching the draw. Hmm, he thought, Bostopia. The televisual broadcasters will have a field day with their kit. Last time they were on the gogglebox the pictures turned all bizarre. He was somewhat rudely awakened by a storming Norman barging through the door.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!!!!!"

"Chocolate hob-nob."

"NO!!! THIS!!!!!"

Hacker proffered a piece of paper. A fax coming from the World Cup committee. The Secretary perused it.

[quote]Dear Mr Hacker

Thank you for your recent fax wishing to make 23 changes to your squad. Unfortunately, squad changes are only allowed in emergencies and the fact that your Secretary mixed up the envelopes is not considered an emergency. Unless you were from the Imperial Democracy of Envelopia, where mistaken envelopery is a capital offence, but as far as we are aware Envelopia has not entered the World Cup. We do appreciate the similarities with Az-cz, but in this instance we are not minded to use our discretion in your team's favour.

The Secretary coughed. "Oh dear, someone seems to have made a bit of a boo-boo..."

"TOO BLOODY RIGHT!!! I'm lumbered with the bloody bints now. How do you expect qualification with a bunch of kitchen sinkers? This is an OUTRAGE."

"Well, on the other hand the men's team were happy to receive their Golden Swifts. Every cloud..."

"AAAUUUGHHHH!!!"

Qualification Tour:
Group 3
MD1 - Daehanjeiguk --- Sel Appa (@ Hangyeong)
MD2 - Alversia --- Daehanjeiguk
MD3 - Daehanjeiguk --- Dance 2 Revolution (@ Hanseong)
MD4 - Mallatarsland --- Daehanjeiguk
MD5 - Geisenfried --- Daehanjeiguk
MD6 - Daehanjeiguk --- Tynelia (@ Malnira)
MD7 - Hopeless SC --- Daehanjeiguk
MD8 - Sel Appa --- Daehanjeiguk (@ Nemnenait)
MD9 - Daehanjeiguk --- Alversia (@ Sanghae)
MD10 - Dance 2 Revolution --- Daehanjeiguk
MD11 - Daehanjeiguk --- Mallatarsland (@ Gwangdong)
MD12 - Daehanjeiguk --- Geisenfried (@ Pyeongyang)
MD13 - Tynelia --- Daehanjeiguk
MD14 - Daehanjeiguk --- Hopeless SC (@ Hangyeong)



At the ticket stand for the IFA:

Choe Yongmin, a student at the Imperial Han College in Hangyeong, aged 20 with dark hair and cool gray eyes approached the ticket booth with a bunch of money. He was going to accomplish the unthinkable; he was going to attend every single match that the Imperial Team would be playing over the World Cup 38 period.

The original ordeal rose out of an awkward bet. Some time ago, at the end of the Cup of Harmony, he was out on a party with a few friends, and at the Round of 16 match, he bet that the Imperial Team would win. His friends countered with a more stark bet that the team would lose. And lo, the team lost, and Choe was forced to pay the consequence - to have sex with every single girl on campus within a year. Frustrated already, he tried to get hooked up with two girls that night, but they both slapped him in the face and walked out. His friends laughed heartily as Choe vacated the bar to seek out girls of all sorts. It was monstrous to watch him prodding girls for sexual attention to accomplish the whims of the bet. Some hours after midnight, he was arrested by the campus police for "extreme harrassment of persons and attempted rape of men and women" (so apparently he tried to have sex with a guy dressed like a girl...). His friends, already guilty for having caused this problem for Choe, vouched on his behalf with the police. The next morning, at his preliminary hearing at the local court, the judge ruled that despite the pain inflicted upon the persons filing the complaint, there was no true intent to harm. Nonetheless, the judge still fined Choe for about 1 million weon (over $1.5 million) for reckless disregard for public safety and courtesy. His friends agreed to help him pay off his debt, and having resolved not to involve sex in any of their future bets, Choe's friends decided to force him to attend every single World Cup match possible - from the Qualification to the Cup itself. Of course, if the Imperial Team fell out in the Qualification stage, there was no need to continue torturing Choe by forcing him to watch the Cup of Harmony.

So he was there, buying his tickets. He approached the teller, asking for a season ticket.

"Season tickets are not here, sir," the lady said, chewing on a cigarette. "You will have to consult the Hangyeong Football Club to get season passes."

"But I'm not asking for a pass for the Hangyeong Football Club. I'm asking for a season pass for the Imperial Team."

"We don't sell tickets."

Choe was a little off-set by this. "So if you don't sell tickets, what do you sell?"

"We sell toilet paper. And if you're a woman, we have tampons too. To get diapers, you will need to have a permit for a baby."

"Why?"

The lady stopped chewing her cigarette and glared down at him. "Sir, this is the toilet room! If you want to buy tickets for the Imperial Team, go down about three rooms and get your f%$#ing tickets there! Now stop holding the line!"

Choe looked behind him, as he surveyed the mass of constipated people waiting to go to the bathroom, but needing their toilet paper. Embarrassed, he went down about three rooms and entered the ticket booth. He waited in the long line before reaching the end, confronting a man chewing on a cigar with a wide blue visor cap.

"Sir, where is your prescription?"

Choe looked on with surprise. "Prescription? You have to have a prescription to have a ticket?"

"Well, you don't come to a pharmacy without a prescription. So where is it?"

Choe shook his head. "Wait, is this a pharmacy?"

"What do I look like, a cheap vendor for toilet paper? Of course! This is a pharmacy!"

"Why is there a pharmacy in the middle of the stadium?"

"Aya!" the ticketmaster yelled. "You're looking for the football tickets. They're across the street. You have to use the tram to get there, but don't forget to take a left, because if you take the right, you'll go into the subway, and you'll never get out until after the offices close."

"Oh, why thank you. Sorry to have bothered you."

"Say, don't I know you from somewhere?"

"Uhhh..."

"Yes, I do know you!" The ticketmaster beamed a big smile. You're the stupid idiot who ran around the Imperial campus some time ago, trying to f%$# every single person in sight. Man, that was a big laugh."

"Ummm, yeah. I'll be going now."

Rushing across the tram, he ran into a line. He hurriedly passed it, arriving on the left side into the IFA offices. As he came to the end of the line, he realized that the line was for tickets, and hurried back to the end of it. Just as soon as he got in line, it started to rain, and despite his anticipation that the rain would drive people away, it failed to do anything as everyone else brought out their umbrellas and covered themselves adequately - the only person not covered was Choe himself. It was late in the afternoon, as he got to the end of the line, not realizing where he had gone. At the end, he met with the security guard at the subway.

"Wait a minute. I thought this was the ticket line."

"You guessed wrong today, boy," the guard said, pointing to the box. Seeing the tragedy of his error, Choe ran back out of the line and went over to the IFA offices, now closed to future business. Choe was downtrodden. He couldn't do anything right; and it was the day before the first day of qualifications. But just as he turned away, a malicious band of sinister crooks appeared.

"Choe Yongmin! You are hereby sentenced by the Rancorous Order Against Rapists - otherwise known as ROAR! - to death for the attempted rape and murder of a little girl three days ago!"

"But I didn't touch a girl three days ago!"

"It doesn't matter. ROAR has found you to have a past history, and that's sufficient enough for us to assume you! Besides, you're crazy enough to assault a little girl for no reason!"

"But I'm not crazy!"

"Rapists aren't crazy. They're cold-blooded and have no brains."

Choe stopped to think about it, while waiting for the ROAR band to attack him. "So what are crazy people then?"

"They're a bunch of rapists who want to be smart!"

"Well, if I'm a rapist, then I'm at least crazy."

The ROAR members gasped. "HE'S ADMITTED THAT HE COMMITTED RAPE!"

Choe shook his head as the band charged forward, but not before a giant strike of lightning stopped them. Instantly, a bald man clothed in white raiments appeared. The members of ROAR suddenly gasped again. "Brother Sang!"

The leader of the ROAR members stepped forward. "So we meet again, Sang."

"It is time."

"So how's the wife and kids?"

"They're doing fine, thank you. And is Jung-min alright?"

"She's great. Last night, we spent the evening watching the stars and watched them up until sunrise the next morning. It was a magnificent experience. You should try it."

Choe, startled by all of this, suddenly interrupted what was going on. "So what's going on here?"

The ROAR leader stepped up again, noting that the purpose of their mission had not been achieved yet. "So you wish to intercede on his behalf, Brother Sang!"

"I do. By Divine Authority, I have come, to redeem this boy and make him righteous again. And I am to protect him as well."

"I'm afraid that I cannot allow that. For Divine Authority has told me this boy is irredeemable and cannot be allowed to live any longer."

Sang nodded, as if in a meditative trance. "Then it seems that Divine Authority is at odds?"

The ROAR leader looked on - "And we are its pawns."

"Sounds like the good old days."

"It does indeed."

Choe again interrupted the conversation. "What the f%$# is going on here?"

Sang moved first, knocking out a ROAR man and sweeped around, punching the next person in line. Instantly, a fight ensued, and the ROAR party found itself out-matched by Sang's impressive kong-fu skills. At odds at last, Brother Sang met up against the leader of ROAR and they bowed in respect. "You have defeated my men again, but we shall meet another day."

"Until that time, this boy shall live."

"But until that time, he shall die."

"Divine authority still at odds."

"To the end."

With that, ROAR disappeared and Sang turned to wildly confused Choe Yongmin. He bowed down in respect, saying, "I have been called to help you in your quest, oh noble Prince."

"Prince? Heck, I'm not a prince."

"Well, it's just a figure of speech. If you have to be so literal. But anyway, I am Brother Sang."

Choe nodded his head. "Yeah. I figured that out. But what's going on here?"

"There is a Divine Conspiracy afoot here, but there's no time to tell when they will return. We must depart."

"Yeah, but I came here for tickets before those goons decided to show up."

Brother Sang nodded and pulled from under his cloak tickets. Choe took them up immediately, and smiled. But he then thought about how Sang got the tickets - "Where did these come from?"

"They were purchased hours before you came here. I am ordered by the Divine Authority to guard you in your quest to see every World Cup match possible for the Imperial Team. Until then, I am in your service."

"Really? That's nice. What do we do now?"

"We must hide."

"That sounds like a good idea. Why?"

"Because there is currently a feud in Heaven. The Heavenly Emperor says that you are to succeed in your quest to watch all 14 World Cup qualification matches and all subsequent matches in the World Cup, in obligation to your bet. But the Heavenly Demon has also declared that you are to fail in your quest, so he has sent the minions of ROAR to seek you and destroy you..."

"So wait a minute... this whole thing... is just a big bet... in Heaven?"

Sang thought about it. "I guess you could say that."

"And couldn't they just ask me to not see any of the matches?"

"They could. But then the Heavenly Demon doesn't like to leave people around - he prefers dead people."

"Okay. So that's good then. Right? You here to protect me until the end of the World Cup. What happens after that?"

"I don't know. I just do the protecting, I don't make the story. Besides that, I'm not your writer. In fact, there are no writers in Heaven - each person does as he feels. Or she feels, if you're Munhee. But that aside, we really must find a place to hide until tomorrow's match."

"Okay that sounds about right. But how are we going to manage this whole thing? I mean, they're going to be after me at every single match, right?"

"Yes."

"So... is this going to be one huge kong-fu fight? Until the end?"

Sang thought about that answer, and happily said, "Yes!"

GLOBO MULTIMEDIA PRESENTS... THE WC QUALIFYING GROUP COMMENTS
Comments by Breno Gavião, Sílvio Ruiz, Jorge Lang and Ganz Ijak, the special guest

BRENO - "Hello my frrrrriends of Globo Multimedia! Another season, another Worrrrrld Cup! And the best place to watch it is in Globo! Yes, I know that we had some prrrrroblems in the last cup, but you must underrrrrstand that it's difficult to rrrrreplace a satellite, especially when our main engineer is trrrrravelling, and is enjoying a beach. I know that you missed another successful campaign, but this time things won't go wrrrrrong... I hope so."

BRENO - "The grrrrroup drrrrraw was made, and soon we'll show you which countrrrries Cafundéu is going to play. We hope to qualify easily, something that we werrrrre only able to achieve once, when we werrrrre just the Baptism of Firrrrre rrrrrrunner-ups, not even in the first hundred best countries of the worrrrld."

BRENO - "And another surrrrrprrrrrise is that Globo Multimedia ended its parrrrrtnerrrrrship with O Jutense newspaper. Now, we have a parrrrrtnerrrrrship with Olho No Lance, the sporrrrrts magazine. Sílvio Rrrrruiz will wrrrrite the arrrrrticles, with a style a bit differrrrrent frrrrom Milene's ones. And Jorge Lang will help him with the interviews."

RUIZ - "Yes, I hope that you enjoy Olho No Lance, I'm sure that we will try to make a good work."

LANG - "And I will travel a lot, just to bring you comments of the players and of anyone that I want to talk to."

BRENO - "And, beforrrrre the drrrrraw, the advertisements... we will rrrrreturn in few minutes."

...

"You want the best for your children, don't you? Of course, the dream of all parents is to see their children becoming what YOU want them to be. And the EFD schools will help you to achieve this goal. With good teachers and excellent books, we will guide your small boys and girls to professional success. EFD schools, the best long-term investiment for your pockets!"

...

"Need to relax? Leave the pressure of the city and go to a place where you can forget to work for some time? Come to Pousada Caliente, one of the best hotels of Compos, located in a rural area. There, you enjoy contact with Mother Nature, relax with comfort, hire some of our professional girls, which can give you moments of pleasure, and much more. Come now... (many things appear in the screen, but the letters are so small that no one can read)"

...

"The World Cup is a moment to see the best players of the world in action, playing for their countries. And many of them play in Cafundéu. But, sometimes, a coach is not fair when choosing the players for the World Cup... (music)"

"... the coach of Wentland released his list of players for the World Cup. And Lennie Newton, one of the most famous people of Cafundéu, isn't in the list. He is out of the World Cup. THIS CAN'T HAPPEN! Help us, donate money, criticize Wentland's National Team, praise their enemies! Let's try to put Newton on the team!"

...

BRENO - "Now, we rrrrreturn to the grrrrroup. Let's see our opponents:"

GROUP 9
Estresse Intenso
Merovis
Novapsolu
The Islands of Qutar
Pinguinum
Solenial
Cafundéu
Errinundera

BRENO - "So, what do you think about our opponents?"

RUIZ - "Let's talk about the weaker ones. What is Pinguinum? Is this a cold country? Every time I read this name, I remember of penguins..."

LANG - "And Merovis? Probably an easy opponent... we should win this game."

RUIZ - "I've heard of Solenial before, the country is trying to improve its National Team. Maybe in the future, but now I think that we are much better than them, and should get the six points."

BRENO - "What about Qutar, Ijak? You didn't say nothing until now."

IJAK - "Well, in my opinion, we have a very strong team. Our mission is to qualify for the World Cup, something that is necessary, as I don't want to be fired. Our team is ranked in the top fifteen countries of the world. The last in this group of fifteen countries, but in front of many others. We need to defeat Qutar, the Institute, and the others with low ranking. Novapsolu and Errinundera can be more difficult to face, but it would be good to get points against them too."

BRENO - "Good. And... we will face Estrrrrresse Intenso..."

IJAK - "They asked to be called Landau Institute..."

BRENO - "Exactly. And that's why I call them Estrrrrresse Intenso. I want to see them nerrrrrvous. We all hate this countrrrrry, therrrrre is nothing orrrrrganized therrrrre, and the Institute is simply a place with a bunch of crrrrrazy people. So, Rrrrruiz, what do you think about the game against Estrrrrresse Intenso?"

RUIZ - "Easy one. They aren't good football players. We should destroy them like we did the last time we played them. It is going to be fun."

BRENO - "Novapsolu?"

RUIZ - "Last World Cup hosts... so, a team that knows how to play against big opponents, like us. We need to be cautious, the fans will pressure us. But we need to stay calm and show our football."

BRENO - "To end, Errrrrrrrrrinundera."

IJAK - "The first seed is ever a tough opponent to beat. We usually have the same performance home and away, but I think that we can get one or three points against them in one of the games. We did it many times in previous qualifying stages."

BRENO - "Thanks. This ends our prrrrrogrrrrram. Let's see the CCFM list of games and venues of Cafundéu's team:"

Games:

MD01 - Merovis x Cafundéu
MD02 - Cafundéu x The Islands of Qutar
MD03 - Solenial x Cafundéu
MD04 - Cafundéu x Estresse Intenso
MD05 - Novapsolu x Cafundéu
MD06 - Cafundéu x Pinguinum
MD07 - Cafundéu x Errinundera
MD08 - Cafundéu x Merovis
MD09 - The Islands of Qutar x Cafundéu
MD10 - Cafundéu x Solenial
MD11 - Estresse Intenso x Cafundéu
MD12 - Cafundéu x Novapsolu
MD13 - Pinguinum x Cafundéu
MD14 - Errinundera x Cafundéu

Stadiums in Cafundéu to be used:

MD02 - Praça Maior, in Cafundó do Juta (cap. 180,000)
MD04 - Obelisco Monumental, in Lasft (cap. 200,000)
MD06 - Maracatuzão, in Dunboor (cap. 90,000)
MD07 - Obelisco Monumental, in Lasft (cap. 200,000)
MD08 - Toca do Tatu, in Central City (cap. 80,000)
MD10 - Arena América, in Abadia (cap. 100,000)
MD12 - Praça Maior, in Cafundó do Juta (cap. 180,000)

Friendlies (if played):

F1 - Presídio, in Carandirú City (cap. 75,000)
F2 - Olímpico Imperial, in Lux (cap. 80,000)

Salim Buchada with a mobile phone, talking to someone:

"We, of the Legião dos Bilionários, need your services... yes, we are supporters of Petardos S/A... why we would want the help of the Mafia? I will tell you soon... have you seen me on the television? Yes, is this issue... I want Lennie Newton in the World Cup, playing for Wentland again! Why? Because he is my idol, the best player of the world! Why are you laughing? You don't think he is the best player of the world? You think that he isn't even the best player of the Cafundéu league? You prefer Eddie Barnes? You don't know nothing about football, Lennie Newton is the best! If you continue saying this, you'll see what money can make, I will destroy your mafia group, without using violence, just with my money, hahahahahah! Will you help us? Good, good. Hear me, I have a small plan. Are you good in kidnapping people? People living abroad... yes, far away from here... nice to hear. So, kidnapp one of the players of the Wentland National Team. They are just girls, it won't be difficult... no, not a star player... get one of the worst of the team... yes, one that doesn't play much... thanks, good luck. I'm sure that the Batata Mafia will work well."

http://www.thirdgeek.com/ns/logos/aeropagchronicle/
Evening Edition · 0.08 g Au · 7 December 2135

Capitalizt SLANI football to get familiar new look
Casaran reporters decry changes as “unoriginal thought”
Prontera, New Manhattan, UCS—Forget about footballers being role models, product endorsers, or any of that nonsense. Capitalizt SLANI declared at its afternoon press conference today that its squad for its thirty-second attempt at qualifying for the World Cup would consist entirely of mechanical creatures, designed to resemble and to emulate the players that ran opponents ragged during World Cup 32 qualification before tragically being killed—save Alejandro Bolúfero, who survived sans one limb—in a plane crash on their way to Krytenia.

After a so-called “union” of key footballers petitioned Capitalizt SLANI for greatly increased compensation for their continued appearance in international matches, the prestigious football association cryptically announced this morning that it would attempt to fill its roster for the upcoming World Cup qualifiers through what public relations official Wesley Wheeler termed “alternate channels.” Four hours later, he clarified his meaning and brought a prototype into the press room at SLANI’s headquarters in Prontera, made in the image of Bolúfero. When a reporter from the Aeropag Tribune complained that the HURD had tried using a robotic team without success, the Bolúfero-bot silenced him by throwing a nearby football into the air and using it to smash the video display on the back wall with a brilliant bicycle kick.

As the rather technical and lengthy piece on the association’s web site explains, the robots are the first real-life application of a technology developed by Capitalizt Defense Alliance researchers to automatically construct and program androids that look, feel, and act like a real person based on a sufficient amount of video. This was done in the hope of creating a “perfect” soldier that could effortlessly be taught a variety of combat techniques, allowing the CDA’s large budget to overcome its chronic shortage of manpower. SLANI pulled together recordings of all of the team’s club and international matches, plus training sessions and anything else they could find. Approximately 10930 hours of video went into the creation of the Bolúfero-bot prototype—that’s nearly fifteen months!

Many pundits consider the Capitalizts’ qualifying group to be “soft”—with Jeruselem the only major threat and Kiryu-shi the only other team that will need careful attention from robotic manager Randall Thacker. If, as many both then and now believe, the pre-crash World Cup 32 squad was the “golden XI” of Capitalizt football, then their future looks very bright indeed.

((OOC: This would be a lot better if NSWiki was up and I could see the rankings; I don't even know where my own team is ranked.))

Scotchpinestan is ready for some soccer
Keith Martin, Douglas Journal

The draw for the qualification for World Cup 38 has been made, and Scotchpinestan has drawn into Group 10. Predicting the order of finish in the group has proven to be a difficult task, since getting access to see the world rankings has been impossible the past few days.

We do know that there are two teams, New Morrissia and San Adriano, who were drawn after Scotchpinestan. These are two teams who apparently could have signed up for the BoF but did not. Do not expect many victories out of these two squads.

As for the Scotchpine crew, after making the round of eight in the BoF, they expect to give all of their opponents a fight. The goal of soccer is to score more points that the opponent, and the team reportedly has set a goal to lead all nations in the tournament in shots on goal. If they can do that, certainly some of those shots will find the back of the net, and this could lead to some surprising results.



Here is Scotchpinestan's schedule:

MD1: vs. Zwangzug
MD2: at San Adriano
MD3: vs. Taeshan
MD4: at The Holy Empire
MD5: vs. New Morissia
MD6: at Yafor 2
MD7: vs. Kansiov
MD8: at Zwangzug
MD9: vs. San Adriano
MD10: at Taeshan
MD11: vs. The Holy Empire
MD12: at New Morissia
MD13: vs. Yafor 2
MD14: at Kansiov

(ooc: Scotch you're tied for 114th)

Abrams Tunk was watching his team "training" or attempting that feat. Yes, he got the same old idiots back because the army were far too lazy to get real soldiers into this team. The team were old and not getting much better, as well as being underachievers in the army. Few Jeru FC players actually progressed beyond their abilities.

A small brunette escorted by some guards turned up a few boxes of something.

Tunk: Hello Jacinta, what's all this?
Jacinta: Oh, the new team strip!
Tunk: We have a new team strip?
Jacinta: It got sent to the Jeruselem team by accident since the army gave a dodgy delivery address in the first place.

Tunk: Well, that's something new. I hope it's better than that horrid pink one the Jeruselem team will be wearing.
Jacinta: I like the new one! If only I had the ability to play football ...
Tunk: Yeah, you're not that good are you.
Jacinta: Err, no ... but I can sing.

Tunk: Yes you can, your Mum can't.
Jacinta: So, what do you think of these ...
Tunk: Not bad, JMC always make good stuff.
Jacinta: Call the boys. They'll need to look sharp on the field.

Tunk: As if they are ...

<Later>

Tunk:
Well team, Jacinta here just gave us our new team strip. Let's hope it actually improves your performance. Next thing we need is a good stadium! This old army one is falling to pieces.

Jacinta: Ouch!

Tunk: Oh yes, some of the roof tiles are falling off. You alright?
Jacinta: No brain, no pain!
Tunk: You'd better keep away from that end of the stadium, that part is a bit dangerous.
Jacinta: Why is that?

Tunk: Army idiots and grenades. Come on girl, let's get that lump on the head fixed.
Jacinta: I have a headache ... so that's why you train with helmets on around here.
Tunk: That's why we don't play home games here. We play them over there.
Jacinta: OK ... (falls over)

Tunk: Oh yes, potholes in field. Sorry Jacinta.
Jacinta: That's alright, I'm Dallas girl ... always flat on my back. Is there anything else around here? ...
Tunk: The landmines ...
Jacinta: Where?

Tunk: Oh, those are outside of this stadium, in that grass.

It was a dull weekend and the Qualifying season ticket packages came though, and stapled on top was an away ticket to some friendly in Bostopia, so Tob and the bunch flogged 60 sels for a ticket on the Casair HA-22 for the flight to Bostopia. Thankfully, the nutters didn't shoot the damned airship down on the way in, and they were left needing something to do to kill a day in a foriegn country.

A standard pub crawl killed a bit of time, but sadly nowhere near enough before they started to get a bit of a hunger about them.

You know, as you do.

"Damnit, I want a sandwich." Jimmy said, staring out the window of the delapadated rent-a-car they had acquired for the weekend.

"I'm looking for someplace." Tob said, muttering.

"To hell with that, Tacos! Tacos rule." said "Rolly", the informal nickname of David Eisen Rolstein the Third.

"Then say something if you find a place."

"What the hell is a Bazaburger?" Ryan said, pointing at an establishment up the street.

"Seems as good as anyplace else. Looks like it has a drive-through."

"Which is a type-A sign of it being a craphole. Let's go someplace else."

"Why? It's not like you'll remember this meal tomorrow." Tob said, parking the car in the lot.

"Why don't we just go through the drive through?" Rolly said, squirming out of the back seat and yawning.

"Because we're not bloody slobs. We frequent enough call in places, we don't need to start hitting the god-forsaken drive throughs." Ryan replied as the four walked in and leaned against a railing, looking at the menu.

"What the hell is a Bazalope anyway?" Tob muttered.

"Let's just hope it tastes good." Ryan said, approching the counter. The poor teenager working the register looked the four Casarans up and down in the manner you would a half-dressed insane person pushing a shopping cart full of empty popcorn boxes.

"Welcome to Bazaburger, what can I get for you?"

"Um..." Tob looked at the others, who mumbled their orders quietly. "Six of the really big burgers... um... how big are the big chips?" Tob asked, blinking and looking at the menu again.

"Rather big."

"How big is rather big?" Tob said, giving the employee an empty stare.

The employee pointed at another order which had yet to be claimed at the counter, complete with a "rather big" container of chips. "Um... that big." the employee said, hoping to be rid of the Casarans as soon as possible. "Right, three of those, three big drinks... Rolly, what the hell do you want?"

"Five Tacos." Rolly said back, looking around at the other people in the shop.

"Um... we don't have tacos." the employee at the register said.

"What the hell, of course you do. Five Tacos."

"We don't have tacos."

"Then why the hell are we here? I want some bloody tacos!"

"Damn, Rolly, just order something else already!" Jimmy yelled, sulking.

"Ugh, fine, damn. Chicken Sandwiches. Three."

"That's not on the menu either." The employee said.

"I bet you don't even know what a Bazalope looks like. Fine, give me a few burgers."

"How many?"

"A few!"

"How many is a few?"

"Two, damnit." Rolly said, angry. Quickly the order was filled (all the faster to get these people out of here once and for all) and the four had found a table somewhere in the establishment.

"I swear I can't understand a damn thing people stay here. Them and their bloody funny accents." Ryan said, taking a bite of his burger and looking at it suspiciously. "They spit on this."

Tob sighed. "Oh please."

Rolly squinted and blinked. "They totally did. I can see loogie. Get the manager, dude."

Ryan walked up the the counter and yelled for the manager, who came out, obviously bothered that he had to do any work at all today. "What?"

"One of your shit employees loogied on my burger."

"What?"

"They spit on it." By this time the rest of the group had walked up behind Ryan, watching, hoping for some kind of entertainment.

"Sir, I'm sure nobody spit in your burger."

Ryan shoved the burger in the manager's face and scowled. "I can see the bloody phlegm!"

"Fine, we'll get you another."

Tob sighed. "Screw that. I want my bloody money back."

"What?"

"Say what again!" Jimmy yelled, slamming the tray of food on the counter, followed by Tob with the change and the reciept.

"MONEY PLEASE." he yelled, holding out his hand until the manager opened the register drawer and handed the 40 quid he paid, despirate to have the Casarans out once and for all. Corporate didn't pay him enough for this, after all.

With a snort, the four got back into the car and pulled out of the lot (the staff giving them a few hidden v-signs as they left), squealing the tires and heading down the street.

"I wish there was a Sao Grande around here." Rolly said.

"I always thought that was a shit name." Tob replied, turning a corner and pulling into another place. "Well, nil for one so far, eh lads?"

"Meh, as long as it serves an animal we know." Ryan said as they piled out of the car again.

"Or beer."

"Beer's good."

The Entomologist
The Pazhujeb Islands' Leading Insect Study Journal

Translated from Pazhujebi to English by Shaghni Oj'vash

Edward On Qualifying

Having returned from another international tour, during which he surely spent a great deal of time happily discussing his national team's Baptism of Fire success, Edward the internationally-renowned supercockroach finally got the chance to come back home and sit down with our award-winning reporter, Sudhir Bhay. Sudhir caught up with Edward in the city of Bengaluru (which was recently announced as the location of the first ever home football match for the national football team: they will face World Cup 37 runners up Demot).

Sudhir Bhay: Edward, we've all been celebrating since the end of that final, have you?

Edward: Sudhir, that is a silly question, of course I have. You know me, the eternal skeptic, but I'll tell you what, it pays when your team does win championships, because you never suspect it.

SB: Ah, I knew they had it in them all along. But now our team's back in action again, Edward!

E: I know, so soon, but here we are. Let's take a look at the schedule for our Urchins, Sudhir.

MD 1: Sorthern Northland (Away, @ Sorthern Northland)
MD 2: Demot (Home, @ Bengaluru Velodrome in Bengaluru)
MD 3: Northern Bettia (Away, @ Northern Bettia)
MD 4: Bumiroar (Home, @ Chargers' Boulder in Rujananja)
MD 5: Bergelland (Away, @ Bergelland)
MD 6: Oliverry (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 7: St. Samuel (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 8: Sorthern Northland (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 9: Demot (Away, @ Demot)
MD 10: Northern Bettia (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 11: Bumiroar (Away, @ Bumiroar)
MD 12: Bergelland (Home, @ Zhevassi Athletic Field in Zhevassi)
MD 13: Oliverry (Away, @ Oliverry)
MD 14: St. Samuel (Away, @ St. Samuel)

SB: What do you think?

E: I think two things, Sudhir. First, the draw could have been a lot, lot worse for us. Yes, we have the current World Cup runners up, but otherwise as far as draws go I was expecting much, much tougher. Group 4 will be unbelievably difficult for us to get out of, mark my words; teams very, very rarely qualify for the World Cup on their first attempt. However, as we're Baptism Champions, I would have expected karma to really come and kick us in the behind. But as far as seeds one through five go, the draw pulled teams fairly low in the current rankings.

SB: Second thing?

E: Second thing is that far all I can say about how great the draw was, our spot in the group is atrocious. The schedule we've been given isn't going to be very fun. We have a massive five matchday-stretch in the middle of the schedule where four out of the five games will be at home. Normally, this would be a good thing. Except that those five matches are against the top five seeds. So, essentially, during the part of our schedule where we might have been getting a little bit of a break, we're going to be running around like madmen trying to keep up with these other teams.

SB: And Bergelland will get a couple shots at revenge for our having knocked them out of the Baptism in the semifinal.

E: Yes they will. Expect them to be coming to play.

SB: Now, I know that as much as you love talking Urchins, you wanted to discuss the draw at large.

E: Well, I have some predictions at the very least, Sudhir.

SB: Great, let's hear them!

E: Well, okay. Group 1 is a no-brainer for me. You've got Bazalonia, ESF, and Quakmybush, and then Krytenia and a bunch of minnows. Krytenia may get a result or two, but for me this group has only one possible exit scenario for only three sides, and the nation of our kitmakers won't be one of them. Shame that, you'd like to see Krytenia get places, but I don't think it's this time around.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/bazalonia.png Bazalonia, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/elves_security_forces.png Elves Security Forces, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/quakmybush.png, Quakmybush

E: Group 2 is a tiny little bit more interesting, but I wouldn't say by much. Two perennial powerhouses in Ariddia and Vilita meet strong squads in Ulzaxid, Starblaydia, and Jasīyūn.

SB: Old rivalry between Vilita and Starblaydia rekindled?

E: You know your world football history, Sudhir. Unfortunately for our fellow purple-wearers I don't think Starblaydia will get out of this group, nor will Ulzaxid.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ariddia.png Ariddia, http://www.thirdgeek.com/ns/worldcup/graphics/flags/spaam/JSY/ Commerce Heights JSY, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/vilita.png Vilita

E: In Group 3, it again looks pretty straightforward. You would have to like Sel Appa to finish up top, with Tynelia right behind them. There could be a struggle for third, Dance 2 Revolution are a clump of clever old veterans, and Daehanjeiguk are bar none one of the most up-and-coming sides in the world. But I have to say its tough Geisenfried who go to World Cup 38 here.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/geisenfried.png Geisenfried, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sel_appa.png Sel Appa, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/tynelia.png Tynelia

Continued in next post...

The Disputed Territories of Nire and Nire Qualification Preview

Anticipation is building in the Disputed Territories ahead of the opening match of the World Cup 38 qualification. Match Day 1 see the Mighty Bulls facing their first real test in international football with a tough away match against Wentland. Coach Sohot dismissed talk of Wentland being an easy beat given the fiasco over squad selection: “Wentland is Wentland regardless of whether they play men or women.” Elsewhere, opponents are writing off Nire and Nire’s chances at this tournament and while Sohot is realistic about chances of qualification he does see the team surprising some of the more fancied teams: “It is unlikely yes that we will qualify for the World Cup, but we are aiming for a mid table result in our group and mark by words, by World Cup 45 Nire and Nire will be an established team at this tournament. We have a young squad capable of going on to do great things.”

The FA today announced that two stadiums will be used for the tournament, the Efet Arena in Efet (Capacity 125,000) and the Nire National Stadium in Sentu (Capacity 150,000). 10% of all seats will be set aside for away fans and all travel restrictions have been relaxed for the qualification matches. The first three home matches sold out within 15 minutes of tickets going on sale yesterday, home fans eager to watch their national side play their first ever home matches in Nire against Lovisa in Nire against Green Wombat.

Match Schedule
1: Away v Wentland
2: Home v Lovisa Efet Arena, 125 000 – sold out
3: Home v Green Wombat Nire National Stadium, 150 000 – sold out
4: Home v East Lithuania Nire National Stadium, 150 000 – sold out
5: Away v Prux
6: Away v Milchama
7: Away v Bostopia Sky Blue Stadium, Henrikstad

8: Home v Wentland Efet Arena, 125 000 – limited tickets available
9: Away v Lovisa
10: Away v Green Wombat
11: Away v East Lithuania
12: Home v Prux Nire National Stadium, 150,000 – Tickets on sale soon
13: Home v Milchama Efet Arena, 125 000 – Tickets on sale soon
14: Home v Bostopia Nire National Stadium, 150 000 – Tickets on sale soon

Prediction: Nire and Nire to finish 5th in Group 7. This team will be hard to beat in front of passionate home support.

...continued from previous post

E: And now our group. Group number 4 is home sweet home for the beloved Pazhujeb Islands national football team, and like I said before, I would expect us to pull one or two positive results, but overall you would have to say that our odds look quite poor. I doubt we'll be able to notch any goals against behemoths like Demot. World Cup 37 runners up for a reason, Sudhir.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/demot.png Demot, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/northern_bettia.png Northern Bettia, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/oliverry.png Oliverry

E: How about Group 5, eh? I can't see this group ending any other way but with defending world champs Az-cz on top. The group is too easy, and in my humble opinion they could come close to taking full points here. As far as the next two spots go, if it isn't Qazox and Turori I will adopt both Hardy Boys and care for them for the rest of my life.

SB: Big promise.

E: Yeah, whatever.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/az-cz.png Az-cz, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/qazox.png Qazox, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/turori.png Turori

SB: That's one half.

E: Yes, and a rather confident one at that. Here's where things get shady for me.

SB: Why's that?

E: Well look at Group 6, Sudhir. It's got some squads that I'm pretty confident won't make it out, such as, I say with regret, our Baptism of Fire 25 hosts Miceland. But on the other hand there is going to be a four-team log jam at the top here with UCS SLANI, Jeruselem, Kiryu-shi, and Candelaria and Marquez, and I honestly couldn't tell you who'll come out the better at the end of it. Here's a guess.

http://www.thirdgeek.com/ns/worldcup/graphics/flags/spaam/COM/ Capitalizt SLANI, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/jeruselem.png Jeruselem, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/kiryu-shi.png Kiryu-shi

Continued in next post...

... continued from previous post

E: Trust me, Sudhir, Group 7 will have some really fun matches. The action is going to be electric. You've got a lot of sharp athletic sides who won't hesitate to go for the jugular; I think we'll see strong and attacking football here. Bostopia, Green Wombat, Milchama, Lovisa, Wentland; it'll be a party, even though I think in the end seeds one through three will be going to Kura-Pelland/Vephrall.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/bostopia.png Bostopia, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/milchama.png Milchama, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/wentland.png Wentland

SB: People have been talking about Group 8, Edward...

E: And they're right to. Read my lips: Group. Of. Death. No doubt. Old veterans Spaam put in a poor Baptism of Fire showing, but maybe their real spark is here in World Cup qualifying. World Cup 36 Champions Bettia have arguably the most unstoppable offense on the planet. I can't do I summary for every one of these sides, Sudhir, but let me just say Ad'ihan, Casari, Squornshelous, and The Archregimancy round out the group. You should be shivering, Sudhir.

SB: Edward, it's about a hundred degrees out right now.

E: Figure of speech! God, you're worse than Joe with your thickness.

SB: Can you stop insulting me and get back to your picks?

E: Oh, right.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_archregimancy.png The Archregimancy, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/bettia.png Bettia, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/squornshelous.png Squornshelous

Continued in next post...

... continued from previous post

E: Group 9. Now everyone take note that I have been very conservative in my picks so far. Here is where I think, however, that there are giants to be felled. I'm just going on instinct, Sudhir, and my instincts have been wrong before, but I think Estresse Intenso feed off of their derby with Cafundeu and push out Errinundera.

SB: Dear God! Edward, they're ranked third in the world!

E: They're going out to the doctors, my friend. That's my qualification upset pick.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png Cafundeu, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/estresse_intenso.png Estresse Intenso, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/novapsolu.png Novapsolu

E: Finally, Group 10. Not too tough, though I feel a tad uneasy about going with the seeds like I am, Sudhir; Kansiov make me nervous. But all in all, you have to feel good for The Holy Empire, they've been falling quickly in the rankings but they've gotten a decently easy drawn, with the exception of big dogs Zwangzug. They'll sneak in, along with Yafor 2. And those are my picks, mate.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/alasdair_i_frosticus.png Alasdair I Frosticus, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/yafor_2.png Yafor 2, http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/zwangzug.png Zwangzug

SB: Edward, thanks so much. I and everyone else here at the Entomologist hope you'll come back very soon.

E: I certainly will.

SB: One last thing: your pick for our Matchday 1 Sorthern Northland - Pazhujeb Islands clash?

E: Big heads from a big cup win plus a big away match equals big problems at the back, Sudhir. Sorthern Northland 3, Pazhujeb Islands 1.

SB: Oh dear. Well, thanks for your honesty. This is Sudhir Bhay, reporting from Bengaluru, The Pazhujeb Islands, for the Entomologist.

Östzellburg, Baden, Magnus Valerius

Maximilian von Hohenstauffen was wandering about in Helsingburg Park in the idyllic town of Östzellburg. This small town of 8,500 was nestled amongst the forested foothills of snow-capped mountains, freshly packed with winter snows. The crisp, refreshing mountain air filled his lungs as he practiced football with his cousins Karl Filip and Ulrika. His teammates Ivan Afinagorov and Ernõ Boldizsár were out here as well to join in on some friendly fun and practice honing their shots. The Boyars were at work in the Badenese Highlands to practice for their upcoming matches, especially in their opening game against Jeruselem.

After saying goodbye to his cousins, Afinagorov, Boldizsár, and himself piled into a car (with Afinagorov driving) and drove back to Imperial Highway 67 to reach the arena in Zellburg to continue practice with the rest of the team. However, before reaching the onramp, Max wanted to pay respects to his grandfather at the local graveyard he was buried in.

Max strolled into the paradoxical landscape of gloomy tombstones and bright wildflowers and rolling grasses. In the right of the cemetery, there was a monument dedicated to The Valerian Empire's first truly great international football player.

"I want to be... just like you, to honor you."

Max kneeled and mumbled some rites to his dead grandfather. As he was finishing up crossing himself and respecting his forebear, an ominous wind blew in from the west. It was bitter, cold, and it whipped across Max's face. The grasses and flowers in the cemetery whispered as they waved to and fro with the breeze. The young footballer picked himself up and heading back to his waiting friends and teammates.

About half an hour later, the teammates soon arrived in Zellburg. This majestic city of 690,000 sports medieval castles and manors sprawling up in crevices alongside various hills and mountains. The main city center was in a rolling valley full of steep roads and great views of the mountain ranges that sprawl in the highlands. Several modern skyscrapers climb up, some 50 stories high, poking into the misty mountain air. The main stadium was the Vasa Arena, not far from downtown. It seated a comfortable 50,000 people and features prominently amongst the several old buildings that were nearby (including the Gothic architecture of the Zellburg Cathedral, completed in 1238). Old fountains and plazas are nearby, with the locals lazily exchanging latest gossip and news from around the city and beyond.

It was in this city that Jeruselem will arrive to play their first match against Magnus Valerius.

Max von Hohenstauffen entered the arena and soon dressed into his kit to prepare for more practice. Just as he was about to head out to the field, a man dressed in a Valerian Imperial Mail uniform approached him.

"Sir Hohenstauffen?"

"Yes, what is it? I'm about to practice."

"Oh, sorry. I just have this package to deliver to you."

"A package? I'm not expecting a package..."

"Just sign here."

Not knowing what to expect, Max signs and takes the brown parcel from the Imperial Mail deliveryman.

"Well... alright."

"Thank you sir, and practice hard! The game with Jeruselem is in two days!"

The deliveryman went off his merry way and left Max to wonder what was in the package. He was a little too eager to find out (even though it meant that he will be scolded by Coach Ilyanich for coming late to practice), so he returned to the locker room and pulled the shoddy little box apart. In it was a weird trinket: a rainbow-colored thing that was shaped like a rounded square.

'What the hell?' thought von Hohenstauffen.

He picked it up and looked at it with puzzlement for a few moments before putting it into his locker and locking it away for now. He went out to the field, and right in his face was an angry Ilyanich, who had been expecting the team captain to finally show his face after a 15 minute delay...

THE MONASTIC TIMES

PAZHUJEB ISLANDS PREDICT MONASTIC QUALIFICATION
MFA Lodges Complaint Against 'Biased, Uninformed Foreign Media'

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Cassocks were ruffled in the Monastic Football Association last night when reports filtered through that the heretical (or possibly heathen) Pazhujeb Islands media had confidently predicted that the Archregimancy would qualify for the World Cup.

"Nonsense!" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Frankly, we're sick and tired of these reports from biased, uninformed foreign media. We've gone out of our way to field as poor a squad as possible this tournament, and we'll be very disappointed not to finish second-last in the group. I wish to make it perfectly clear that we'll be lodging a formal complaint with the relevant authorities."

When pressed for more detail, MFA officials noted that the squad's goalkeeper is blind, the entire back four are crippled, the midfield are either obese or emaciatingly thin, and the two forwards are insane and alcoholic respectively. "And we believe our coach to currently be in hiding due to the continuing fallout from the 'Hunky Monks' scandal" added another senior anonymous source. Qualification? Quite frankly, it would be a miracle if we even manage to gain a point."

And that's all of today's news from Sorthern Northland brought to you by SNTV News, we now go over to Sheamus Tiarnan for the sports news.

Thanks Kwame, and today's top story is the build up to SN's opening World Cup qualifier against The Pazhujeb Islands which has been beset by problems. As you will have seen in the news earlier the worst storm in 175 years hit Beningrad flooding the whole city including the James Connolly Stadium, meaning that the SNFA has had to quickly move the game against The Pazhujeb Islands. The SNFA have released the following statement.

Following the recent storms and flooding in Beningrad the James Connolly Stadium has been left in an unplayable condition and at this moment is still under water. We anticipate that there will be significant damage done to the stadium once the floods have receded. This means that the stadium will remain in an unplayable state for a lengthy amount of time, but we hope that it will be reopened before the end of World Cup qualifying. In the meantime all national team and cup final games will be played at El estadio Fidel Castro in Castrograd.

The other big story in sport today is an outbreak of bronchitis within the squad which has left a number of first team players out of the game against The Pazhujeb Islands, the biggest losses for the Sortherners will be record goalscorer Kim Min-Kim and Jing Mao. Other players suffering from the outbreak are Graeme Shorey, Corneal Corneal, Relondinho, Xeng Xung and Tom Tomsk. President Ben O'Bagels will also miss the match due to being away at a diplomatic event. The outbreak means that there will be eight changes from the normal starting eleven. The line up for the game with The Pazhujeb Islands will be:
GK: Jonny Sage
RB: Ri Kwang-Chong
CB: Ivar Wrightson
CB: Marek Smith
LB: Min Cho-Hi
RM: Mark Tuguy
CM: Gung Ho-Suk
CM: Diago Maran
LM: Feng Shui
CF: Korea China
CF: Neuville Senna

And that rounds up the sports news for today, we now go over to Roselyn Doyle for the weather.

DOCTOR ROGÉRIO LANDAU'S TRADITIONAL SHORT COMMENTS ABOUT QUALIFICATION GROUP OPPONENTS

The words of the president of the Landau Institute

Once again, the president of the Landau Institute talks about the opponents of the group... and once again, not very much.

Estresse Intenso - "Did you ask me this question again? How would I comment about our own country as an opponent? And call us Landau Institute!"

Merovis - "Hmm... Selic passes the ball to me and... the Institute wins!"

Novapsolu - "They hosted something... I don't remember well... because we weren't there. We can get some points there, why not?"

The Islands of Qutar - "Islands? Interesting, the Institute is located in an island too. I expect good results."

Pinguinum - "Penguins? There aren't any here."

Solenial - "There can be some difficulty playing away, but at home, the Machine does the work."

Cafundéu - "It's time to show them that money can't buy honor! It's time to show them that The Machine is a better tactician! It's time to show them that the republic is the only solution! Guess we'll need some police protection when travelling to there."

Errinundera - "Ouch!"

Ad'ihan stadium given all-clear to host opening home match

Ad'ihan's first home match of the World Cup 38 qualifying campaign, against Vikingholm, will take place inside the protectorate itself, rather than on neutral soil in Orean, Liverpool England. Protectorate Stadium in Ad'ihan has been given the all-clear by the Outer Islands territorial government as well as the Ad'ihani Governor Cmdr. Simon Collins to host the match, following extensive discussions and a review of the current situation on the island.

Île Grande has seen a pro-independence insurgency spread over the past few weeks, with fires raging near and in the city of Modna Nord, 180 km east-northwest of the Protectorate and just 70 km northeast of the only international airport serving the Outer Islands, and the Ad'ihan Football Federation warned that it could not guarantee the safety of visiting teams. However, Commander Collins has moved to downplay safety fears.

"Of course, a team representing Ad'ihan should play its home matches in the protectorate, and not anywhere else. After reviewing the current situation with Governor-in-chief (of the Outer Islands) Olivier and (Territorial Police chief) Constable LaRue, it's been decided that it's safe for Vikingholm to travel to Grand Island for their match. The situation will be reviewed with each matchday, but we've advised the AFF that provisionally, all further home ties should be played in Orean."

Governor Collins also warned that if a visiting team was in the Protectorate and things got out of hand resulting in a declaration of a state of emergency and direct federal rule from CCL, a visiting team might be subject to restrictions. "In a case of direct federal rule, any visiting team in the Protectorate would be subject to federal Liverpool England law, which may in turn impose certain restrictions on their movements, or in a worse-case scenario, they would have three hours to finish whatever they have to do before being evacuated to Orean."

Meanwhile, the AFF has reacted to the qualifying group draw, which places Ad'ihan in Group 8 in the proverbial group of death alongside Casari, Bettia, Squornshelous, The Archregimancy, and Spaam, returning to the World Cup after an absence, among others. Manager Luke Evans, previously told that only a third placed finish (and hence qualification) would save his job, has had that condition relaxed, although the former hosts are still expected to place at least 4th. "We're disappointed at the draw, it's a really difficult group we find ourselves placed in. Of course we'll be hoping to do as well as we can, but we have to be realistic, after finding out the quality of the teams we'll have to face," Evans told the media outside AFF headquarters.

In a pre-qualifying friendly, Ad'ihan travelled to one of the host countries, Kura-Pelland, in what the team hope won't be their only visit to the country this campaign. Ad'ihan's new boys starred, winning 3-1 on the night.

Match schedule and venues
FR1…………KURA-PELLAND…………………AWAY...ROFLCOPTRE DOME………W 3-1
MD1…………VIKINGHOLM………………………PROTECTORATE STADIUM
MD2…………CASARI…………………………………AWAY
MD3…………SQUORNSHELOUS………………GROVERS PARK*
FR2
MD4…………BETTIA…………………………………AWAY
MD5…………SPAAM……………………………………AWAY
MD6…………THE ARCHREGIMANCY……GROVERS PARK*
MD7…………TUAIM……………………………………AWAY
MD8…………VIKINGHOLM………………………AWAY
MD9…………CASARI…………………………………GROVERS PARK*
FR3
MD10………SQUORNSHELOUS………………AWAY
MD11………BETTIA…………………………………GROVERS PARK*
MD12………SPAAM……………………………………GROVERS PARK*
MD13………THE ARCHREGIMANCY……AWAY
MD14………TUAIM……………………………………GROVERS PARK*
FR4

*TENTATIVE VENUE IN OREAN

The Enlightener: much better than Sky
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.png

Aroralings Pass Their First Test

Az-cz............................4 (Kenyon 4 43 47, El-Iot 89)
Bettia............................4 (Al-Sikamiya 18 69, Barkley 37, Rhys 78)

Ever since their first meeting, the regular friendlies between the Aroras and the Gnomes have always attracted a special interest in the Blessed Realm, not least of all because of the quality of their opponents. However, a certain poignancy was added to this particular fixture for one simple reason - the Az-cz team are now managed by Stuart Abdul-Rahim, the man who led Bettia to victory against the very same team in the World Cup 33 final. Indeed, Abdul-Rahim was now going head-to-head with his sucessor Amir Bettison, a man who had also had the honour of leading the Aroras to victory on the world stage.

Of course, Bettia had been forced to field a hugely weakened squad of children (newly dubbed the Aroralings) and the big question was how such a young team would cope with such a huge debut. At first, the answer seemed to be "not very well at all".

One major weakness of the Bettia's youngsters is their distinct lack of height, with an average of 4'6" and the tallest member of the team measuring just 5'4". Az-cz, on the other hand, boasted a certain 6'5" striker in the shape of Bettia-born McLaren Kenyon, and he was quick to exploit Bettia's obvious weakness, nodding home a high cross from Bn-Ct with relative ease after just four minutes.

After a brief period of tear-filled hysterics which involved plenty of comforting words from the team's assistant manager Mrs Saundersfoot, the Aroralings soon got their act together and started to produce some of the quick incisive passing play that their adult counterparts had become famed for. Their diminutive stature soon played to their advantage as Akim Al-Sikamiya caught the much taller Haji-Me off-guard by running through his legs and punting the ball into the net.

Az-cz did most of the pressing during the rest of the first half, but Bettia went ahead against the run of play. After spending large periods stuck in their own half, the Youngsters were finally able to break after Biffa Barkley hoofed the ball forward and found his namesake Tessie Barkley in the centre circle. In the face of the oncoming Hu-35, she quickly kicked the ball away to the wing and fortunately found Lasu Cowler haring up the wing as fast as his little legs could carry him. Just when it seemed he would run all the way off the pitch, he laid the ball back to Tessie Barkley, who smiled sweetly at Haz-Tp before tapping the ball past him.

After scoring two goals in their first ever half of football, the kids thought it was party time. Unfortunately, Mclaren Kenyon decided to spoil that party somewhat, first by lobbing Snotty Anderson to get the Gnomes back on level terms just before the half-time break, then firing them ahead in spectacular fashion, letting loose with a screamer from all of 30 yards that Anderson may have been able to get to had he not been picking his nose beforehand.

The Aroralings eventually put that setback behind them twenty minutes later as they equalised thanks to that most funny-looking but useful tactic of crowding as many players around the ball as possible. It was the unfortunate Hi-Kui that got this treatment, possibly because at just 4'9", the kids weren't quite so intimidated by him. As he collected the ball from a Bettian corner in his own penalty area, he was immediately surrounded by a posse of Aroralings who, after much kicking and sreaming, managed to rob him of the ball before he could clear it. In the resulting melee, it was Akim al-Sikamiya who knocked the ball in from close range.

Buoyed by this sudden piece of good fortune, Bettia proceeded to dominate as much as little kids can dominate fully-grown adults. Fully aware that their hosts weren't putting in the tackles that they normally would against older and bigger opponents, the Aroralings (with a little vocal encouragement from the sidelines) started to put some of their training into practice. After playing some neat little one-twos, Llifon Rhys was put through on goal and the Pen-y-Bydd youngster made no mistake, nutmegging the keeper to score Bettia's fourth.

Faced with the humiliating prospect of losing to a bunch of kids on their turf, Az-cz upped their game and proceeded to blitz the Bettian half. In the end, it was a last-gasp solo run from El-Iot which saw him brust through the Bettian back line, and he had no hesitation in blasting the ball home from ten yards to cap off an extraordinarily entertaining friendly.

Team boss Amir Bettison was absolutely glowing with pride for his young team after the game. "I'm absolutely glowing with pride for my young team," he told The Enlightener. "They deserve a big bar of chocolate each for their efforts. They way they kept fighting back would put many adult teams to shame, and against the world champs too! If they can keep this sort of spirit up, who knows what these kids can acheive."


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE......RESULT

Qualifying Group 8

FR: Az-cz...................Away.......D 4-4
01: The Archregimancy.......Away.......
02: Tuaim...................HOME.......
03: Vikingholm..............HOME.......
04: Ad'ihan.................HOME.......
05: Squornshelous...........Away.......
06: Casari..................Away.......
07: Spaam...................Away.......
08: The Archregimancy.......HOME.......
09: Tuaim...................Away.......
10: Vikingholm..............Away.......
11: Ad'ihan.................Away.......
12: Squornshelous...........HOME.......
13: Casari..................HOME.......
14: Spaam...................HOME.......

"It's my off-duty time you're using up, bucko," Submariner First Class Nathaniel Hollander was not in the mood to have the one and only piece of computer usage he'd managed to book in the last fortnight being used up by someone watching videos of a skateboarding dog online, "so if you don't shift I'm gonna smack you right in the mouth, right here."

"Tetchy, much?" the sailor replied, closing the on-screen window and getting up. "We're not at war any more, bucko, but fine. Take it."

Nate sat down and re-clicked the browser program, staring out of the window. He was stuck on the base and, unable to go and use as much time as he wanted in an internet cafe, he'd had to pre-book time on the base computers. This was not how he'd imagined spending his off-duty time while in Samosisos, but at least he could catch up with the World Cup.

He typed in the scb sports website, scb.co.sb/sport, and immediately clicked on the football section. The headline article quickly told him what was to come, and he clicked on it.


Starblaydia get Ariddia and Vilita
Second-in-the-world Ariddia and top-sixteen Vilita will await Starblaydia in their first two matches of the Qualifiers for World Cup 38.

Both the recent three-time World Champions, ranked second in the world, and former champions and local rivals Vilita will be Starblaydia's first two opponents, both away, in their quest to qualify for their first World Cup in sixteen years.

Also in Group Two are local rivals Jasi'yun, Ulzaxid and 95X, making over half of the teams competing coming from Atlantian Oceania.

Starblaydi Coach Betanii Marrones said the Group would be a 'good test' for the Baptism of Fire Runners-Up, noting that seeing the Raiigar versus the Ulek to kick off the Group Stage would be a 'great reward' for all the hard work her team and nation have put in to making it this far already.

Their first home match will be against Minilla Island, who have travelled to Starblaydia previously for the two Di Bradini Cups, and Starblaydia have a run of four matches at home in the midst of the qualifiers. However, Starblaydi fans ought not to be thinking they can get a good run of home victories in this sequence, as the two in the middle see Ariddia and Vilita come to visit.

Qualifying Group 2
Ariddia (2nd)
Vilita (16th)
Jasi'yun (25th)
Ulzaxid (48th)
Minilla Island (70th)
Starblaydia (106th)
95X (151st)
Rangpur (N/A)

Starblaydia's Qualifying Schedule
Matchday 1 - Ariddia (Away)
Matchday 2 - Vilita (Away)
Matchday 3 - 95X (Away)
Matchday 4 - Minilla Island - Iota "Big Eye" Arena, Penningworth - Penningworth United (82,000 capacity)
Matchday 5 - Rangpur - Jhanna City Recreational Ground, Jhanna, - Jhanna City 51,000)
Matchday 6 - Ulzaxid (Away)
Matchday 7 - Jasi'yun - Jader Barbahlo Stadium, Jhanna - Jhanna United (96,000)
Matchday 8 - Ariddia - Stadii di Quercus, Farça - FC Farça (99,000)
Matchday 9 - Vilita - Foundation Road, Jhanna - Iskara Daii (75,000)
Matchday 10 - 95X - Silverlands, Corinth - Corinthian Spirits (65,000)
Matchday 11 - Minilla Island (Away)
Matchday 12 - Rangpur (Away)
Matchday 13 - Ulzaxid - Sports Hall, Karak D'Ragh - Karak Ungor Chiefs (60,000)
Matchday 14 - Jasi'yun (Away)


Nate was fairly happy, himself, with the draw, as when Starblaydia were ranked in at only one hundred and sixth, they were bound to draw three heavyweights and at least two other teams higher up than they were. Apparently Starblaydia had been ranked nine places lower when they entered World Cup fifteen, in his great-grandfather's time, so already they were off to a better start. Second in the Baptism of Fire - and the third-best ranking team because of it - playing second in the entire world on Matchday One. Five World Championships between them, and only the first game! Nate followed a link.


Izretar Not Regretting Retirement
Previous Starblaydi Captain Kili Izretar says he still does not regret his decision to retire from international football after the Baptism of Fire, despite the prospect of Vilita and Ariddia, two teams who he failed to beat in his pre-hiatus career.

Both with Ariddia's indigenous Wymgani side and Vilita in World Cup Thirty-Four, Kili Izretar should have unfinished business with international competition as Starblaydia won themselves two re-matches with each side, drawn all together in the World Cup 38 Qualifiers.

"You can't say that I should still be playing just so I have the chance of beating them", the forty-two year-old attacking midfielder said, "I decided to stop after the Baptism of Fire because if I didn't win that, then I'd probably never have a chance to win something again. I'd have to stay on until a Cup of Harmony or an AOCAF or some other associated tournament came along, and who knows when that would be. You can't look that far ahead in international football."

Izretar is still counted as one of Starblaydia's finest midfielders, as his four goals last year in the Baptism of Fire surely prove. He says he's confident, however, in his replacement's ability to do just as well. Alfonso Di Angelo, just twenty-one years old, will take Izretar's Number-Eight shirt for the campaign.

"WHERE'S YOUR BLOODY CUP YOU WANKERS!" Rolly screamed from the middle of the terrace, getting a bunch of cheers as the rest of the away fans as the match wound down to it's conclusion in a halfheated manner. A stirring refrain of "You're shit and you've won fuck all" met the final whistle and continued as the home fans started to leave, the away fans held back until the streets were cleared of the Bostopian menace.

"Rolly, you're bloody insane." Ryan said, kicking over a cup as the four filed out after the regulation wait, kicking over cups half full of beer (What one would hope was beer, at any rate).

"That's the point." he said, squeezing though the press of supporters and out into the street. "What a crap game anyway."

"True, true." Tob said, looking around. "Man, I could use some sleep. Too much drinking today."

Jimmy snorted. "Pansy."

"What was that?" Tob said, turning, a red haze clouding his vision. "I can wrap you around one of these bloody lightposts, Jimmy, don't you start that with me."

"What, you'll probably pass out in a park somewhere."

"Ryan, check the book." Ryan dutifully pulled out a copy of a volume in the long lasting and bestselling series, How to Not Get Arrested- Bostopia, WC38 Edition and flipped through it casually.

"No good on a park. We'll have to find a campsite." He said, putting the book back in his pocket.

"Fine. Where did we park?"

A cold wind blew at that moment as other fans walked around them.

Rolly bent over.

"You going to ralph, Rollo?" Ryan said, patting him on the back.

Rolly shook his head and coughed, straightening back up.

"I told you you ate too many tacos."

Tob rubbed his forehead. "The car's this way." He said, pointing. "We'll go find someplace to be unconscious before we need to make the 'ship back, allright?"

The rest nodded in agreement.

"I hope to god we actually make the damn thing."

"Why wouldn't we?" Rolly said, his problems past.

"Well, considering we've been inept at everything else so far, it'd continue the pattern."

"Don't be so negative. Optimism is the road to enlightenment."

Az-cz Scroll
Az-cz
Il-Lur

Here comes the title defense

Well my streak of correct predictions finally came to an end last cup, but I couldn't be happier about it. The Gnomes finally (although I'm sure many nations object to that adverb) came through with a title. I simply didn't see it coming. We lost our best player ever, struggled along through qualifying and then somehow turned on the jets. Now we're the champs and the world #1, but with all the changes we'll have a tough time keeping the title.

With all the changes to the squad we were hoping to get a look at the squad in our one tune up friendly against Bettia. But due to the unfortunate happenings there they weren't able to field a full senior side and turned to a side of children. And with our coach being a Bettian he didn't feel like humiliating them in their first match out, so he also sent out a squad of junior high schoolers. And while both teams played great football for kids their age, it doesn't scry much information about the squad going forward. So here are my guesses based on the limited training footage and what not we've seen so far.

Group 5: Home of the champions

Turori, Vanek Drury Brieres, Endmile, Randovium, Qazox, Jeru FC, Az-cz, Onimar

Truth be told I think we have to be quite happy with our group. Qazox is tough, as we well know and they'll almost assuredly take some points off of us. They gave us a good challenge right up till the end back in world cup 35 and we expect the same here. But other than that I think we'll be fine as far as the football goes. I don't think Turori is the same squad we're used to seeing, Vanek Drury Brieres shouldn't be any more of a challenge than last time, and Jeru FC is more of a danger in terms of sexual harassment than on the pitch. My guess is Endmile will be the third team to come out of ths group.

Group 4: So close

Bumiroar, Sorthern Northland, Bergelland, Demot, Oliverry, Northern Bettia
The Pazhujeb Islands, St Samuel

Demot's not had the best time of it as of late. They lost the finals to us, then they lost the host bid with us and now they get put in the group of death. Some people will lead you to believe that group 8 is the group of death, but here is the genuine article. Five different teams here look like deserving squads, and Sorthern Northland might be making waves as a sixth. So some good teams will be left out, which I don't know will be necessarily true in group 8. Despite that I still think Demot will top the group but it will be tough sailing. Oliverry is the wild card here. When they play to their potential they're a great team, but they don't always do so. Still I think they'll show up enough to take second, and in third I think St. Samuel will finally make it to the proper, leaving the most recent BoF champs and a strong Northern Bettia side home for the proper.

Group 2: Rediscovery Channel?

95X, Commerce Heights JSY, Minilla Island, Ariddia, Starblaydia, Vilita, Ulzaxid
Rangpur

This group is all about recovering. Ariddia looks to recover the title we took from them. Starblaydia looks to recover their past glory. Vilita looks to recover something resembling interest amongst their fans. And the three midrange Atlantian Oceania teams are about regaining regional pride. Call me crazy, but despite falling short in the Baptism of Fire I think Starblaydia will be making major waves and joining Ariddia and Jasiyun in the proper. They've looked good in their U21 tournaments and the nation seems to be on the rise again. It'll be tough but I don't think Vilita will stop them and I can't see Ulzaxid rising up, non 95x.

Group 1: Friends & Rivals

Thundercliffe, Krytenia, Cookesland, Limbrogidlia, Elves Security Forces, Quakmybush, Aurendia, Bazalonia

Group 1 sees many of our favorite sides in the world. The Elves, the Sharks, and the Burgerbeasts of Bazalonia are all nations we cheer for greatly. Aurendia is a rival who we drowned for our first piece of international hardware and Cookesland is a rival from the baseball pitch. Krytenia, amazingly enough, is a nation with which we have no history, but is a name familiar to Az-czzers for certain. Clearly those six will be the important teams in this group. Just out of a hope and whim I'm going to guess the three close friends of ours will all be returning to the cup.

Group 8: Group of broken legs

Spaam, Ad'ihan, The Archregimancy, Squornshelous, Tuaim, Bettia, Vikingholm
Casari

I can see why this group is being called the group of death, but I really do think broken legs is much more accurate and appropriate. Only Bettia and Squornshelous were actual qualifiers last time around. Adihan, qualified only through the grace of hosting and probably won't push for a spot this time around. The monks have vowed to be a horrible team this time around, and while we don't believe most of the things those nutjobs spout they aren't a world class team at any rate. Casari is clearly on their way back up, but they're not at the level of a team like Northern Bettia say. And Spaam I think is mostly irrelevant. In other words this group looks more impressive than it actually is. Expect the three former champions to take the qualifying spots with the monks not qualifying as they seem to want.

Group 6: The top teams need to go down group

Kelssek, Miceland, Capitalizt SLANI, Jeruselem, Magnus Valerius, Candelaria And Marquez, Kiryu-shi, Uiri

Group 6 has a lot of teams we're not overly fond of. Candelaria And Marquez is arguably are least favorite nation going. They're a bunch of speciesists and the world cup is much better off without them anywhere near it. Commerce Heights isn't a nation we hate, but their overt capitalistic tendencies make them one of our least favorite AO nations, and I think I can speak for the country when I say we're sick of the Dallas clan. Jeruselem would probably do better if they stop having a team that entirely revolved an ugly harlot slag. And Magnus Valerius has rubbed us the wrong way in the past. Miceland, Kelssek and Kiryu-shi are all nice countries who we'll be rooting for, but it will be the Slanis, Sluts, and Slimeball speciests who advance.

Group 3: Who knows?

Geisenfried, Daehanjeiguk, Tynelia, Dance 2 Revolution, Hopeless SC, Mallatarsland, Sel Appa, Alversia

This group is hard to predict. Sel Appa looks to be the best of the bunch and while I probably should believe in them, I just can't bring myself to do it. Tynelia is the same sort of thing. And on the other hand Geisenfried, Dance 2 Revolution and Daehanjeiguk all seem like they ought to be good but it's hard to know if they will be. And Hopeless SC and Mallartsland seem like they might be good up and coming teams. At the end of the day I'll go with Tynelia, the turtles and The Han empire, but I'm not confident of that.

Group 7: The periphery

Bostopia, East Lithuania, Wentland, Prux, Lovisa, Nire and Nire, Green wombat, Milchama

Milchama and Wentland are the periphery of the elite, Bostopia the periphery of the good, and East Lithuania, Lovisa and Green Wombat the periphery of the regulars. No reason to expect any of that to change this time around even if Prux is somewhat dangerous from the outside.

Group 9: Easy Es and the hosts

Estresse Intenso, Merovis, Novapsolu, The Islands of Qutar, Pinguinum, Solenial, Cafundéu, Errinundera

This group has five teams of note, Errinundera, Estresse Intenso and three hosts in the 30s, Qutar, Cafundeu and Novapsolu. The portroos will be the easiest qualifier in the whole cup as no one will come close to them. Cafundeu will make it back and I think Novapsolu will earn their way in as well.

Group 10: Last and least

Scotchpinestan, New Morissia, San Adriano, Yafor 2, Taeshan, Kansiov, Alasdair I Frosticus, Zwangzug

I think this is the worst group of the cup. Zwangzug will win easily and the Holy Empire will be close to them, but the third seed is rather removed from those two. I think Kansiov will pull it off as Yafor 2 can't seem to string together many good cups. But either way neither of them impresses me much.

So of the thirty two teams going to the finals in KPV who do I see advancing:

Round of 16: Az-cz, Demot, Oliverry, Ariddia, Elves Security Forces, Bazalonia, Bettia, Squornshelous, Commerce Heights, Sel Appa, Wentland, Milchama, Cafundeu, Errinundera, Zwangzug, Bostopia

Quarterfinals: Az-cz, Demot, Ariddia, Elves Security Forces, Bettia, Squornshelous, Milchama, Errinundera

Semifinals: Demot, Elves Security Forces, Milchama, Errinundera

Finals: Milchama, Errinundera

Champion: Milchama

You heard it hear first. The warriors will follow up their baseball triumph with the biggest title of them all.

“Welcome to Channel 3: Sports, home of the Dance 2 Revolution football team. Coming up next, the post-draw interview with Dance 2 Revolution manager Darren Ferriol, Head of the Revolutionary Football Association and hall of famer Naoki Maeda and D2R captain Namarato Maeda. So let’s go live to the interview room at the RFA headquarters in Maede.”

Q: With the World Cup 38 draw concluded, what are your reactions?
Ferriol: I believe we have a good chance of qualifying again, Daehanjeiguk and Geisenfried will be tough tests, especially away from home, but I’m fairly confident with our chances in this campaign.
Maeda: We would have rather have drawn Starblaydia whilst their football is still in a state of regrowth, I’m afraid that some people in Dance 2 Revolution won’t rest until we get some revenge for the World Cup 15 humiliation.

Q: Naoki, has the RFA decided where the opening games will be played?
N. Maeda: Of course, we at the RFA have decided the entire home fixture venues, and if you all look underneath your seats, you will find the fixture list complete with stadia.
Q: Some of these choices seem a bit…strange.
N. Maeda: How so?
Q: Well, playing the first match at the Stade de Janeiro is surely not a wise choice given the recent riots on Revolutionarian Island, and playing at Szøixyde Stadium…*surely* a safety risk?!
N. Maeda: Hah, safety risk? It’s merely a smart choice of venues that we feel could be intimidating to the opposition, the threat of the citizens of “Everybody Dies” is no where near what it once was, the Dance 2 Revolution team will be perfectly safe
*pause*
…as will Sel Appa…we think. The Revolutionarian Island riots shouldn’t affect the opening qualifying fixture either…too much, anyway. I think you all have plenty to write about, so we’ll end it there.

*Ads*

Do you like cake? Do you WANT cake? You NEED cake! BUY cake at Kate’s Cake! Where there’s delicious cake, there’s always a problem…except at Kate’s

Tonight on Channel 3! Next: The Sports Guys talk about the World Cup 38 draw. Later: The Dance 2 Revolution DDR National Championships XI regional qualifier from the Paranoic Regions! And at 10pm, we go back and watch the birth of one of the greatest Tycoon Wrestling Federation rivalries of all time, as Highflyer and The Funkster fight it out, but there could be an invasion looming… and on Channel 3: Game! The Deal or No Deal 5 MILLION CREDIT special game is played tomorrow, watch the build up ALL DAY today!

Harder…Faster…Stronger…BETTER…Dance Dance Revolution: In The Groove MAX (Released November 31st)

--The Sports Guys—

Ryastro: Hello, I’m Ryastro, and I’m joined by regular Daniel and today I’m joined by special guest Inspector K from the D2R football team! We are “THE SPORTS GUYS!”. Today’s discussion will mainly be guided towards the WORLD CUP THIRTY EIGHT draw, that took place a couple of days ago! Now let’s have a quick look at the teams in Group 3, Daniel!

Daniel: Yes, and first seeds in the group, we have Sel Appa! Sel Appa have been playing really well as of late, finishing third in World Cup Thirty Seven, beating our beloved Dance 2 Revolution on their way to that finish. If we’re being honest, it wasn’t particularly expected that Sel Appa were going to finish so strongly.

Ryastro: I agree, although we can’t be expecting to beat the clear favourites to win the group, I think we can cause them some problems this time around! Inspector…

Inspector K: Please, call me Shev.

Ryastro: Shev, how are D2R going to be approaching Sel Appa?

Shev: Sure, we respect Sel Appa, they’re a good team, but we’re a good team, and we’re not going to change our plans just because it’s Sel Appa, we’ll play to our attacking strength.

Ryastro: I see, secondly we have Tylenia, Tylenia will be another tough test, and despite being a high seed, we don’t really know much about them.

Daniel: They’re certainly one of the quieter teams in the group, and it is possible they could be upset by a few of the lower ranked teams here. Especially by our next two teams.

Ryastro: YES! Daehanjeiguk…think I said that right… and Geisenfried are two sides that are definitely not to be taken lightly, Daehanjeiguk are up and comers, and although Dance 2 Revolution bested them in their last meeting, it is widely felt that their team have matured greatly in the last few years

Daniel: Geisenfried, on the other hand, Dance 2 Revolution have had a bit more of a balanced record against, with wins, losses and draws going both ways. D2R will DEFINITELY want to keep the results in their favour in THESE two encounters… Now going further down the order we have

Ryastro: HOPELESS SC, Hopeless by name but NOT by nature.

Daniel: I have to agree with you there, Hopeless will be Hope…FUL of getting some results against our Revolutionaries, and I, for one, hope that they CAN live up their name and prove to be little of a challenge for our boys! And now for the first visitors to the NEW…IMPROVES…Naoki Maeda Stadium…

Ryastro: MALLATARSLAND! Hard to spell! Hard to beat? We hope not! The first travelers to the 133,700 seater, we could see an almost instantaneous “demolition”, eh, Shev?

Shev: We’ll try our best to tear the roof off the stadium

Daniel: Damn right! AND FINALLY, we have ALVERSIA! I can’t be sure with this one.

Ryastro: I know what you mean, I can’t remember them either! Haha.

Daniel: Haha! But seriously, there’s no such thing as an easy match in international football.

Ryastro: What about Ravea? Hash n Beans? Vorpal…

Daniel: ANY MORE! Right, that’s almost it for today! Finally, let’s have a look at the League Table!


Group C
Pos Name P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1st Alversia 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
2nd Daehanjeiguk 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
3rd Dance 2 Revolution 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
4th Geisenfried 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
5th Hopeless SC 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
6th Mallatarsland 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
7th Sel Appa 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
8th Tylenia 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Ryastro: Ok, that was pointless… And the fixtures with venues:

Fixture list:

MD1: Dance 2 Revolution – Hopeless SC [Stade de Janeiro, Revolutionarian Island, Dance 2 Revolution, 52,500]
MD2: Sel Appa – Dance 2 Revolution
MD3: Daehanjeiguk – Dance 2 Revolution
MD4: Alversia – Dance 2 Revolution
MD5: Dance 2 Revolution – Mallatarsland [Naoki Maeda Stadium, Maede, Onia Region, Dance 2 Revolution, 133,700]
MD6: Dance 2 Revolution – Geisenfried [Westside Stadium, Gauralan of Former Kaze Progressa, Dance 2 Revolution, 85,000]
MD7: Tylenia – Dance 2 Revolution
MD8: Hopeless SC – Dance 2 Revolution
MD9: Dance 2 Revolution – Sel Appa [Szøixyde Stadium, Former Suicidal States of Everybody Dies, Dance 2 Revolution, 109,300]
MD10: Dance 2 Revolution – Daehanjeiguk [Naoki Maeda Stadium, Maede, Onia Region, Dance 2 Revolution, 133,700]
MD11: Dance 2 Revolution – Alversia [Archway Stadium, Farela of Former Kaze Progressa, Dance 2 Revolution, 90,800]
MD12: Mallatarsland – Dance 2 Revolution
MD13: Geisenfried – Dance 2 Revolution
MD14: Dance 2 Revolution – Tylenia [Naoki Maeda Stadium, Maede, Onia Region, Dance 2 Revolution, 133,700]

Daniel: So it’s left to me to say, join us next time when we’ll be featuring special guest Herix Marjagf from MAX Dodgeball Club!
Ryastro: And it’s goodbye from me!
Daniel: And me!
Shev: And me! Enjoy the World Cup!

MD1 RP cutoff

MD1 scores (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=13228817&postcount=2)

NOV 19 1933 (Somewhere)

The plan is finally in place, with the addition of Dr. Hadel. Drs. Green and Feely have completed stage 1, but only Dr. Hadel can complete stage 2.

Silly QBI (Qazox Bureau of Investigation), did they really think that after all of the things that happened during the 24th Cup of Harmony and World Cup 35, that someone somewhere wouldn't be interested in that research?

Too bad they didn't look deeply into the notes of that poor deluded fool. Bionic enhancement is the breakthrough that Qazox needs to finally take its place amongst the World's elite teams.

I really hate that the Hockey team won the 4th World Cup of Hockey, as now football's proper place is slipping further into the recesses of the public's minds.

But soon that will change, and once Dr. Hadel finishes his work, the first test will come against Randovium. I almost feel sorry for them, but this is too important to worry about the feelings of a 4th world country.

Valanora Express
Into The Fire

A gateway to furether sucess in this tournament could be very well deserved praise for the Valanora squad following thier defeat of co-host Vephrall this evening. Coming out in their new green alternate kits, and for the first time as representative of Valanora instead of their individual countries, the
squad performed quite well. Then again, this is a squad filled with the stars of three of the four member nations, and anything less than a victory against Vephrall, granted they are hosts, in their home stadium would of been a dissapointment. Not to take anything away from the hosts' players abilities, but when compared to the collection that COnstant has called up, it lacks the expierence, depth, and overall talent to compete on a consistant basis.

When looking over the group draw for the qualifying process, there are no real challanges to the squad that would prevent them from qualifying. The contest will be between the Marauders and Bazalopes of Bazalonia to see who will win the group. Quakmybush will likely finish fourth, while Krytenia, the home country of our kit makers, will return to the big stage with a splash taking fourth in the group. Expect alot of scoring from these upcoming matches, and from alot of people, as this collection of players is geared for scoring and lots of it. May that the defence and keeping be enough to provide grace for a title after coming soo close the previous few tournaments.

Valanora 4
Laborious Hawk (21')
Ashley Riot (28')
Kiso Night (41', 75')

Vephrall 1
Sorrah Wais (12')

Schedule
PQF: Valanora v Vephrall @ Hatire Memorial 4-1
MD1: Limbrogidlia v Valanora
MD2: Quakmybush v Valanora
MD3: Thundercliffe v Valanora
MD4: Valanora v Cookesland @ Hatire Memorial
MD5: Valanora v Bazalonia @ Timorlug Dome
MD6: Aurendia v Valanora
MD7: Valanora v Krytenia @ Hatire Memorial
MD8: Valanora v Limbrogidlia @ Cathedral Park
MD9: Valanora v Quakmybush @ Cathedral Park
MD10: Valanora v Thundercliffe @ Timorlug Dome
MD11: Cookesland v Valanora
MD12: Bazalonia v Valanora
MD13: Valanora v Aurendia @ Hatire Memorial
MD14: Krytenia v Valanora

Article by Ron Santapa

Well Fred, we won our opening Qualifier 2-0.

2-0, Ian wow, thats not a bad start. Were we expected to win, I looked on the Government channel and nothing was mentioned.

I know, but its there now. A positive sign I believe. It means we are being taken seriously.

Seriously indeed, but can we keep it up. As this is our first venture into the world of Soccer, and we don't actually know if we are any good.

Well, 2-0 isn't a bad start. If we can keep it up, our confidence levels will soar. Confidence is often a good thing.

I'm not sure Ian, if the Government are taking notice, its not a bad thing. it must mean there is some hope. Losing teams are censured after all. Reports on losing games are not generally allowed.

Well, not allowed to be broadcast you mean.

*sounds of gunfire in background*

*picture fades to white dot*


NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE

http://www.btinternet.com/~david.boston/_bostopia/dailymailheader.png

Bostopia 2 – 0 Milchama

Bostopia built on their one – all draw with Casari with a two nil win over the Az-cz scrolls' predicted champions Milchama yesterday. Whereas the Casaran fans were taunting the home fans with chants of “you've won nothing at all” (despite many of them sitting above the Museum of Bostopian Football, containing one Cup of Harmony and many Regional trophies), the Milchaman fans were the ones yesterday enduring the taunts of fans within the Bostopia Stadium.

While the Milchaman team put up a fight worthy of their Top-15 status, two goals – one in either half – were enough to start Bostopia off on the right foot in their quest for the “Golden Ticket” - qualification for World Cup 38.

The first goal came from a whipped cross from Luke Barle on the right-hand side of the pitch, which found the head of Aleksander Cripps on the edge of the six yard box, thundering a header into the bottom-left corner, with the goalkeeper unable to get down quick enough to keep Bostopia from gaining a one goal lead in the 24th minute of play.

The game was definitely one of two halves, with both teams having chances to either equalise or furthur their lead, and in the 62nd minute, Bostopia did just that.

Stuart Flambriff played a through ball on the slick surface for Cripps to latch onto, which he did, before running another six yards and slotting the ball to the right of the keeper, as good as sealing the match for Bostopia.

---The Back of the Net Sports Bar, Fort Boston---

Field Marshal Denfeld put the newspaper down, and from the inside of the Back of the Net Sports Bar, watched a group of Casaran fans – still in the country – wander past, apparently looking for drink.

Trooper Higgins snatched the paper from under the beady eye of the other two at the table who had yet to read the paper.

“Hush up you lot, yer drinks are comi'.”

The other two turned round, watching Commander Nayford carefully make his way back to the table, three pints in one hand, two in the other. He put them down on the table.

“So, Nayford, where are we playing next?” Asked Denfeld, who then took a sip of his bitter.

“Wentland, sir.”

“And just what do we know about them?”

“Ahd knahh if thare ahnlyne weekiepaedaya wharr ahnlyne larkh.”

Denfeld looked at Jeffreys.

“So you're telling me we know nothing about Wentland because some online encyclopedia is offline?”

“Parhte fram lasht tahme wee wawse ahn teevee theye, theye teeveese wehnt barhmie.”

“Ah, well, better than nothing.”

The other three at the table looked at Denfeld.

“Sir, you understand him?” Nayford asked, with a strong puzzlement in his voice.

“Of course, who doesn't? Now, are our flights booked?”

“Yes sir.”

Higgins nudged Hayford, and whispered to him.

“They're not booked.”

“What? What on earth are we going to do now?”

“I have a plan. Urr, Field Marshal, we'll be back in a short while.”

Higgins and Hayford stood up from the table.

“JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!”

And with that, they were headed to the nearest travel agent.

THE MONAStIC TIMES

GLORY BE UNTO GOD!
Monks Humiliated in Worst World Cup Result Ever

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

In a fantastic result that brought even greater humiliation to the Archregimancy than could ever possibly have been hoped for, the national football team were last night annihilated 8-1 by an on-fire Bettian squad consisting of bickering children.

"We're so proud" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We expected to do really, really badly, but this result has far surpassed our wildest dreams. Truly the Lord has answered our prayers!"

The crippled Archregimancy back four and desperately unhealthy midfield were completely helpless against the children on the opposing team, who no doubt could have sent the score into double digits had it not been for an argument on the Bettian squad over who actually owned the ball, leading to a 20 minute sulk on the part of the visitors. A fantastic fluke lucky save by Fr. George the Blind, who was actually trying to avoid stopping the ball and who was later forced to apologise for not letting every single opposing shot pass by him, also kept the score down. Only a piece of 65th minute individual brilliance by Fr. Serginho the Holy Fool lowered the spirits of a home team happy to lose - and lose badly - but fortunately the Archregimancy were already 5-0 down by then.

"Look at the goal difference!" said Fr. George after the match. "At this rate we'll exceed all expectations and finish bottom of the group. I couldn't be prouder of the lads!"

"What the hell?!"

"What?"

"Well first we lost to Bostopia, and we didn't have a roster for the cup until a second ago! Where in the bloody hell is the MFA?"

"You wanna look"

"Sure"

"Ok here we go..."

*Walks to the MFA headquarters in Alexandria*

"Wow this took waaaaaaaaaaay too long we could have done that a lot quicker"

"I agree anyway let us look"

*Reads sign which says "Out Partying for Baseball Championship Be Back Later"*

"So that's why they're incompetent, they're too busy celebrating"

"Yeh I don't think even half of Milchama realizes that we started the World Cup"

"Well they will get a shocker tomorrow in the papers"

"That much is for sure"

"Anyway who the hell else is in our group?"

"Let me look, I've been partying until yesterday when I saw the football"

"Ok ummmm... we got... hold on let me open the paper"

GROUP 7
Bostopia
East Lithuania
Wentland
Prux
Lovisa
Nire and Nire
Green wombat
Milchama"

"Why are we at bottom?"

"They don't like us clearly"

"That's disrespect!"

"I agree"

"Anywhoo who is good in this group?"

"Nobody as far as I reckon, Wentland been around for awhile and have qualified but I don't think they've done more than that. Bostopia is similar"

"Oh and anybody else to even worry about"

"Let me look again... Lovisa was good waaaaaaaay back in the day but other than that no"

"Excellent so qualification should be assured"

"Not necessarily"

"Why?"

"The MFA needs to start working again"

"This is very true"

"Well they posted the roster, though it was the exact same as before and they coerced Damian Hill into one more World Cup so that's good"

"True but we need to get rid of him and probably get a new squad soon"

"Well Belmowitz is still awesome"

"Agreed not important in the grand scheme of things"

"Alright well what the hell do I say now?"

"Come on you Warriors!"

"Wait! did we pray to Margaret?"

"NO! Oh shit no wonder we lost"

"Yeh, ok let's do this"

"Ok so Say as I say! and Do as I Do!"

"Alright!"


''Ringa pakia!''
''Uma tiraha!''
''Turi whatia!''
''Hope whai ake!''
''Waewae takahia kia kino!''
''Ka mate, ka mate''
''Ka ora, ka ora''
''Ka mate, ka mate''
''Ka ora, ka ora''
''Tēnei te tangata pūhuruhuru''
''Nāna nei i tiki mai whakawhiti te rā''
''Ā upane, ka upane''
''Whiti te rā, hī!''

"Now repeat after me!"

"Floatation!" "Floatation!"
"Utbal!" "Utbal!"
"Floridian!" "Floridian!"
"Matamatamoros!" Matamatamoros!"

"That's a disaster!"

"I know let's continue!"

"What do we do next?"

"Ummm... STRIP AND RUN AROUND!"

*4 minutes later*

"Man that walk took a lot out of me"

"Yeh"

"We pray the Margaret of SnubNose 38 that you may deliver us victory over Corneliu and any other infidels that we face in international play"

"Sacrifice the Rubber Chicken!"

*A rubber chicken is sacrificed*

"Margaret we pray that you take this sacrifice of a rubber chicken in good faith and that by your deliverance Milchama does well in all international competitions"

"Amen."

Joeseph Rescotte: So, a 2-2 draw. How's that Tom?

Tom Pensée: Boring. I'll get to bed soon. Let's say in 11 minutes.

Joeseph: You won't! I need someone to help me out tonight with a way to win against Demot. They're as annoying as a bunch of Bostopians, except that, at least, they are sympathetic.

Tom: Yeah. And the Casarans are also a bunch of...

Nick Pensée: Don't insult the Casarans. We've got Casaran blood, remember?

Tom: How did you enter in this locker room?

Nick: I simply asked the kind guy over there if he could let me pass and he let me enter.

Tom: Anyway, I guess I have more Bedistani blood in me. That might be why I don't sing silly and meaningless songs about people being pansies.

Nick: Well, I sang songs about Demotians being pansies for all the game. You cannot say I didn't help you. Tom-is-a-pansy...

Tom: Ok, I'll last 10 more minutes then. Where is my laptop?

Joeseph: In the car.

Tom: Damn... that sucks. I wanted to play a bit of Supranational Soccer Managing Game 2054 before going to bed.

Nick: This game sucks even more than your mom...

Tom: My mom is also your mom

Nick: NOOOOO! *leaves the room*

Joeseph: Nick has finally done something good for humanity. I say we should leave now that we're the only ones left in the room. Tom: Ready to simulate our next game in SSMG 2054?

Tom: Of course. But first, let's get in the car. I need sleep...

National Stadium greets Starblaydis in opening match

Enthusiasm for the qualifiers began early when Ariddians learnt that their side would be facing a returning Starblaydi team in the inaugural game.Such an encounter could only take place in the Stade National in Rêvane, and purple streamers floated alongside red and black ones in the streets of the capital, a display of welcoming spirit and good sportsmanship.

There were other reasons to look forward to the game. It has become almost a tradition for the Rouge-et-Noirs to struggle with bewildering clumsiness through a significant part of the qualifiers, conceding a comically improbably series of draws, and today supporters were waiting anxiously to see whether the “Curse of the Draw”, as it was known four years ago (and eight years ago, and twelve years ago…) would strike again. A victory would cheer the country on. Anything else would dampen their spirits considerably.

Most of all, however, many spectators were eager to see what would happen just before the match. For decades now, Ariddia’s opponents have stood and faced the ulek, a powerful chant of defiance combined with a fierce and well coordinated war dance. Now, for the first time, the other team would be responding with a pre-match ceremony of its own, and many spectators were treating this as a historic event. Ariddia and Starblaydia are the only two countries in the world to practice such a pre-match ritual.

First, of course, came the anthems. The crowd stood as Lex Panarii’s team sang in accompaniment of the Starblaydi national anthem. Then Jeremy Isaacs and his ten team mates linked arms to sing Dream, joined by most spectators. Abdel Mohamed, the only North-West Ariddian among the starters, sang the PDSRA’s anthem –used by default due to the lack of a federal anthem– with everyone else. And, towering above the other players, the massive “Flying Mountain”, goalkeeper Jarl Knudsen, bellowed the words out with off-key passion.

With the anthems completed, the twenty-two players on the field moved to the centre of the pitch, and faced one another. The crowd’s excited murmur fell to a hush. People waited expectantly, holding their breath. Which team would perform its dance first? Who would challenge, and who would respond?

As the guests, the Starblaydis, wearing their all-purple away kit, began with the Raiigar. Flashes sparkled throughout the stadium as viewers immortalised the moment on camera. And then, barely fifteen seconds later, the Rouge-et-Noirs, assembled in a loose semi-circle, began chanting in turn. “Llseh! Llseh! Swehashi llosh e lueal o!” The Ulek countered the ongoing Raiigar, the two dances performed simultaneously, face to face, a fearsome, flawless display of skill, energy and determination. The crowd went wild, cheering with unrestrained enthusiasm as the Ariddians rushed forward finally at their opponents before breaking off, and the ceremony ended.

The match could begin.

Antonio Mora kicked the first shot on goal in the seventeenth minute, giving Knudsen an opportunity to prove why he had been selected as Ariddia’s current best goalkeeper. He did so, securing the ball calmly and sending it hurtling back up the field for a counter-attack.

A well-aimed pass from Yuto Takahara in the twenty-second minute found Marek Petras, who shot neatly on goal for Ariddia, but impressive defending by Claudio Melciori kept the scoreline goalless a while longer. In the twenty-ninth minute, Si Ewe headed the ball into the net, and secured a 1-0 Ariddian lead which remained untouched for the rest of the match.

“Starblaydia put up a strong challenge, and we were able to respond,” coach Jane Sanderson said afterwards. “The fact that we didn’t concede a goal is particularly encouraging. This was the first big test for our team, with its current composition, and the outcome was positive. I think Starblaydia can also feel that they played well today. Which is a good sign for them, after such a long absence.”

Meanwhile, videos of the face-off between the Raiigar and the Ulek are already circulating on the Internet, labelled as a “most memorable moment” in the history of world football.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_ariddian_isles.png Ariddian Isles 1-0 Starblaydia http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/starblaydia.png

Sorthern Northlannd 5 (FIVE!!!!) - 1 The Pazhujeb Islands

Well Sorthern Northland's opening game of the World Cup qualfying campaign has just finnished so we cross over now to Sheamus Tiarnan at the Estadio Fidel Castro in Castrograd.

Thanks Kwame, and I can tell you the fans are going wild here tonight, The Pazhujeb Islands may have won the Baptism of Fire but they were handed a real baptism here today in their first World Cup match, with a Sorthern Northland team fielding eight changes winning five one. Hell even Neuville Senna scored. Twice!!! And it won't get any easier for the Isalnders with Sorthern Northland being one of the weaker teams in the group.

It was the visitors though who opened the scoring with, Pav Panithaj getting clear of the SN defense to put the ball past Sage in the SN goal. The islanders though faded from that point on and seemed to struggle with such modern inventions as grass pitches and cameras. One Pazhujeb player even left the pitch during play to look on in wonder at a television screen in the dugout, the fact that this player was the goalkeeper probably had a lot do with Neuville Senna scoring the equalishing goal. The ball fell to the lanky waste of space who in front of the open goal eventually forced the ball into the net. It was the sort of chance that it would be harder to miss than score for most players but Senna is not like most players and it took the fans some time to register what had actually happend.

Despite having absolutly all the player the Sortherners were unfortunate that the rest of their chances in the first half fell to Senna, who manged to miss the ball completly and kick the post on one attempt. In the second half however it was a different story with the Sortherners keeping the ball away from Senna the goals flew in. Korea China got the second just after the restart and added a third to the teams tally minutes later. Senna though did get another although this was down to the opposition more than him. With Mark Tuguy chasing him down Pazhujeb keeper Vekaj Amutarrad rushed a clearence which hit Senna who was wondering around aimlessly, the ball then lopped up over the keeper who dispete his best attempts could do nothing to stop the ball going into the net. Were betting legal in Sorthern Northland, anyone placing a bet on Senna to score two goals would have been sure to be set up for life. The Sortherners finished the scoring with around ten minutes left. Keeper Jonny Sage came up to take a free kick on the edge of the Pazhujab area, his free kick clipped off the wall and into the path of Feng Shui who needed no second invertation to score.

What has suddenly galvanised the team so much no one is sure, although rumours suggest that a woman named Margaret and some rubber chickens are involved. Whatever it is the fans coudn't care as long as the team continue like this, and oppitism is high as the fans walk out of the stadium overoptimisticly chanting "Now your gonna believe us, now your believe us, we're gonna win the cup"

Qualification Tour:
Group 3
MD1 - Daehanjeiguk(53) 1-3 (9)Sel Appa (@ Hangyeong)
MD2 - Alversia(153) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD3 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (33)Dance 2 Revolution (@ Hanseong)
MD4 - Mallatarsland(157) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD5 - Geisenfried(42 --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD6 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (18)Tynelia (@ Malnira)
MD7 - Hopeless SC(114) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD8 - Sel Appa(9) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk (@ Nemnenait)
MD9 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (153)Alversia (@ Sanghae)
MD10 - Dance 2 Revolution(33) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD11 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (157)Mallatarsland (@ Gwangdong)
MD12 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (42)Geisenfried (@ Pyeongyang)
MD13 - Tynelia(18) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD14 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (114)Hopeless SC (@ Hangyeong)



After the game:

Choe walked away from the stadium, dismayed to see the Imperial Team lose 3-1. Sang was following him closely. "I almost feel like I'm wasting my time now."

"Heaven still says that you are to fulfill your obligations," Sang replied. "Patience is required."

They continued to walk as the crowds gathered in Hangyeong outside the stadium. Sang turned to Choe and said, "We ought to get out of here before ROAR comes here."

No sooner had he said this than did the ROAR gang return. Before them was the 1st Master of Yunjang, wearing only a silk tunic and a long pole-arm at hand. His eyes beamed with radiance, and upon seeing the Yunjang master, Sang stood in front of Choe.

"We meet again, Yunjang!" Sang said brilliantly.

"We meet again, Sang," Yunjang replied, even more brilliantly.

"And your business is the business of the Divine?" Sang said, majestically.

"It is, and I shall prevail," Yunjang replied, brimming with majesty.

"But the contest of today shall not be decided by words but by deeds," Sang answered, overflowing with excellence.

"And my deeds are far superior to yours!" Yunjang said, with excellence nearly matching Sang's perfection. Choe looked on at the two saying things brilliantly, wondering why he had to have the sort of life that was subject to bad and boring things. But soon, as Sang was clearly besting Yunjang in majestic speech, Yunjang lunged forward with his pole-arm. Sang merely dodged to the side and let him run forward. The pole-arm nearly sliced into Choe's foot, eliciting a yell from him - "I thought you were supposed to protect me!"

"Protection is only half of the routine!" Sang replied, snapping the pole-arm in half.

Choe scrambled away behind a light post, muttering to himself, "I'd hate to figure out what the other half is." Sang, having broken Yunjang's pole, kicked him in the chest and threw him against the edge of the bridge leading out of the stadium. Catching himself just before falling down, Yunjang began to grab on-looking spectators and threw them at Sang, who began to deflect the projectiles. One particular person, Sang caught him and threw him back at Yunjang, pushing him over onto the street below. Now out of human subjects, Yunjang began to throw cars and trucks at Sang, who just as easily blocked them and tossed them aside as he leaped down and smashed Yunjang in the face.

Sang backed away to let his opponent breathe freely, but Yunjang continued to press for battle. "It is apparent that you are well versed in Kong-fu! But Ii doubt that you are ready for the superior art of Fu-kong!"

"That is?"

Instantly, Yunjang turned himself in a nibbling rat and crawled up Sang's leg, nibbling at him. Sang giggled. "That tickles!"

"Precisely! It's supposed to tickle. The more you laugh, the stronger I become."

With that said, Sang reached down into his pants and pulled out the rat, turning himself into a cat. "Let's play this game then."

Yunjang, afraid of being eaten, turned into a dog and began to catch the cat. But even in this state, the cat was superior to the dog:

http://www.funnypicturesofcats.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/funny-pictures-of-cats-dot-info-345.jpg

Yunjang turned back into his normal self, after failing to defeat Sang with his superior Fu-kong. Still, he crazed to win the day and leaped up to the platform where Choe was hiding. "If I cannot defeat you, Sang, I shall fulfill the Divine wish."

Without another move, Sang appeared out of nowhere and slammed a giant typewriter on Yunjang's head. Yunjang tried to get the typewriter off his head, but owing to Sang's force, the typewriter was fused onto his head, and he was forced to walk around as the only person wearing a silk tunic and with a typewriter for a head. Since he could speak, he began to type what he wanted to say instead and handed Sang the transcript:

"$(!(@)$^#(%&*#(!)@*$*&$(@*#$&(!&$(&$#*@&#&@*#@&@*$*$#(@*"|!"

Sang laughed. "Of course, I am the superior, but I am not going to suck on three hundred rubber chickens to take off that typewriter from your head. Besides, you now look prettier than Angelina Jolie, which is a good thing."

Yunjang typed some more:

"%$#^*(!(*&%&#@*%)$&!&@#($$_+_%$@&&%(#-@#$}{$#@*!"

Sang read the message and said, "No, I will not sing you bedtime stories and kill the President of Westphalian Baron-Thunder-der-trombke. You are being very lazy right now, so if you don't get out of here, I will kick you home."

At that instant, Yunjang smashed the typewriter and popped out his own head again, "Who taught you how to read? I said I want to write a bunch of bedtime stories and have you sing them to children all over the world from deprived countries, in order to raise enough money to kill the President of Westphalian Baron-Thunder-der-trombke. If you cannot read, how can you be a Kong-fu master?"

"Well, I think that you had a lot of typos personally," Sang replied.

Yunjang, unable to give an adequate reply, bowed down in submission. "I have met a better master. I will leave, but do not think that this day is won yet!" And with that, Yunjang leaped away. He incidentally crashed into a light post on top of the stadium, but after a moment, recoordinated himself and flew away to his lair. Choe, coming out of his hiding, shook his head.

"This thing just weirder and weirder."

Sang nodded, "And your pants are on fire."

Choe looked down at his pants, and indeed they were on fire. He furiously tried to stamp them out, but the only consolation that he had was in taking them off so that his clothes would not completely burn. He turned to Sang as his pants completely burned up. "So what's up with your protection deal? I nearly sliced in two, and my pants are on fire. What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you've got problems. And there's a chicken laying eggs on your head."

Choe reached up above his head and pulled the chicken off his head. He took a quick glance at it, realizing that it was a rubber chicken. "Just exactly how does a rubber chicken lay eggs?"

"It lays rubber eggs that little Christian children use for Easter eggs. Don't you know?" Sang shook his head in disappointment. "Little hopper, you have much to learn."

"I'm not a little hopper," Choe replied.

"I wasn't talking to you. There's a grasshopper on your shoe eating your laces."

Choe glanced down and saw a rather large grasshopper gnawing at his shoelaces. Hoping that the day wouldn't get any worse, he started to walk away. "You know, in retrospect, the Imperial Team losing to Sel Appa today wasn't the worst thing that could happen."

Sang nodded. "You are finally learning, little hopper."

"What, did the grasshopper stop chewing my laces?"

"Oh, no. He's starting to chew on your shirt."

NOTE: Dazzi = Skate

Kara:
Hello! This is Kara Kool and this is THE FOOTBALL LIFE! For some reason Skate's gone missing once again but we have Dazzi the Ninja Girl in her place today. Well, both wear the same amount of clothing and both look about the same age. Even the same squeaky voice.

Dazzi: Hello people of Jeruselem and everyone else watching the World Cup 38.
Kara: I didn't see you at this game, you hiding somewhere?
Dazzi: Me? I was hiding somewhere indeed.

Kara: Good game Dazzi?
Dazzi: Oh yes, Jeruselem home games are always to fun to watch.
Kara: You look tired there Dazzi.
Dazzi: That's what happens when you stay in cheap motel at night, can't sleep.

Kara:
Today, Jeruselem played Magnus Valerius at home here at Dazza Dallas stadium. Actually, the next three games we play away which is kinda weird but then we get three home game in a row later which makes up for that. This means this game was important as we don't have home advantage for the next three games.

Dazzi:
What a great win. FIVE NIL. Skate was super today! Hat trick for her team and her nation. Kara got one too.

Kara: Yes, Skate was unstoppable today. She's crazy some days. Oh, Tunky got the last goal after he was subbed on to give Skate a rest.
Dazzi: What about the other games?

Kara: Kelssek disposed of Uiri THREE ONE, and well that was expected. The Asians from Kiryu-shi released a few cats to beat Miceland TWO NIL. And the big game!
Dazzi: The team from C... err ... C&M, beat the Capitalist SLANI THREE TWO.

Kara: Looks like C&M are a threat this cup, even to us.
Dazzi: Yeah, cute players too.

Kara: Yes, Dazzi - get the mind back on football. Jeru FC lost to Endmole but they fought hard in a loss, ONE NIL to Endmile. Our friends from Qazox, Arridia, Bettia and Bostopia won their games too. Arridia put down a difficult Starblaydia 1-0. Great game.
Dazzi: Bettia beat the Monks ... EIGHT ONE!

Kara: Yes, the kids from Bettia ... nuked God's team. Funny, God's whores did well.
Dazzi: Is it time for Yap Yap?

Kara:
Yes, Dazza's little infamous contribution to this show. Today is a debate - who's the best Jeruselem striker. We have the talented Gime Thadope, who's just joined the team. There's me, who's also just joined the team and then we have Princess Skate ... we all know who she is. We can't forget the veterans Shane Hooney and Hose Tunk who have been around with the Skate for the last two cups too. Of course, we would have unfortunate Dinkie Dosha but she's not alive anymore. We did a poll of Jeruselem people recently, so who do you think won the poll?

Dazzi: My money is on the Skate, but I don't have much money.

Kara:
Well, according to the football fans poll in Jeruselem - this was the order. Hose Tunk, Kate Dallas, Shane Hooney, Me and then Gime Thadope.

Dazzi: Really? Hose is cute.

Kara:
Well, he married Dallas girl too. Kate lost out because she's quite erratic. Me and Gime were unknowns so we wouldn't have won the poll.

Dazzi: So you're better than Skate?

Kara:
I think I am but as for leadership, Skate's the leader. It's amazing what a Skate outburst does to our team. I think Skate is better as midfield player where her mother played.

Dazzi: She's always in the middle of something!

Kara:
Yes, literally ... and not always during a football game. And I won't go further than that. That's it from me and Dazzi here. We have to find Skate now.

Dazzi: On your ... skate!
Kara: That's bike Dazzi.
Dazzi: Oh yes!
Kara: You behave too much like Skate, Dazzi.

"I don't care, they're not going out there, and that's that."

"Well, if you insist...but I'm going to let the match kick off regardless..."

Norman Hacker turned his back on the referee. The Wentland women were milling around on the touchline, desperate to get on to the pitch, but did not want to go against their irascible coach. None of them had seen him before the match and they had all got changed just in case they were going to be picked. As it was, it appeared none of them were to be chosen.

Mr Efti the referee shrugged his shoulders at the Nire and Nire captain. The King's Reach Stadium in Fleetway was agog at the events and on the verge of hysterics. Nire and Nire proceeded to kick off, but, just as the referee was about to abandon the game on the basis that there were no Wentland players present, the normal first choice eleven panicked and ran on to the pitch.

This was a double tactical error. Firstly, they were all out of position and a hefty kick from 16 year old Juan Rello caught Kirsten Cassidy well unawares and within a minute the Mighty whatevers were one-nil up.

Secondly, the entire team was booked for entering the pitch without the referee's permission.

Norman Hacker was incandescent. "I never told you to go on to the pitch!!! What do you think you are DOING???? STOP THIS NONSENSE AT ONCE!!!!!"

Captain Anna Kumble flung the ball from the goal towards the centre circle for the kick-off. "We just want to PLAY!!! It's not our fault you picked us all..."

"NOOOO!!!! I'm protesting this game. I'm protesting everything. Do NOT kick off. I'm telling you..."

Thalia Pellegrini and Kaz Flack stood over the ball, unsure of what to do. Hacker charged on to the pitch. "You are not going to kick that ball."

"Please, Mr Hacker! You are outside your technical area. You must retreat."

"Alright...but this game is not going to continue...do NOT kick off..."

Pellegrini and Flack conferred with each other. "What do we do, Kaz?"

"I dunno, Sham...this was our big chance...if we kick off, we'll never get picked again..."

"And my hair is looking particularly radiant now, for the big game...just think of all the millions of people gazing at my raven locks..."

"Yeah, wondering whether it was styled by Stevie Morris..."

"Shut up!! That's mean."

"Not as mean as...hello, ref."

"Look, girls, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to book you for time-wasting."

"But we've already been booked..."

"That's right, you're off..."

"WHAAAAAT??"

Norman Hacker was delighted. "Oh, well done, girls!! Perfect. Just what we needed. We'll get this game abandoned somehow!!!"

Anna Kumble marched up to the referee. "Come on, sir, we need a bit of leeway here..."

Unfortunately for Kumble she had accidentally nudged the ball and the referee waved play on. Norman Hacker was yelling so much at the team that they never noticed and Youn Grand made it two-nil, with the Wentland team torn between their manager and the game.

"Two-nil!!! NOW they'll have to let me change the squad..."

The Wentland girls were visibly depressed. "Can't we play NOW, boss? We've got to do something..."

"NOOOO!!!! Come over here...I want to make a substitution, ref...Horne, come off now...Jackson, you go on...now, Matsushita, you come off...Davies, you're on...and Cassidy...you can be replaced by...hm...Quddus..."

"We need a goalie, boss!!!"

"OK, Dougall, you stick the shirt on..."

The Wentland girls marched over to Hacker and started arguing. Mr Efti walked over calmly and showed another set of yellow cards. Followed by a smattering of reds for those unsubstituted players.

"Right, let's get on with the game..."

"Ahahaha, Mr Efti," remarked Hacker. "There's only three Wentland players. You have to abandon it!!"

Mr Efti was crestfallen. "You are right...I will have to report this to the committee...they might ban all your players..."

Norman Hacker grinned. "Oh, no, don't let them do that...what a personal disaster!"

The Bassabook Baritone
Because bugles bore, bleepit!

Scotchpinestan felled

The Zwangzug national football team began its journey towards World Cup 38 with a 4-1 victory over Scotchpinestan. The Scotchpine squad, which competed in the most recent Baptism of Fire, set the tone for an offensive battle. Hoping to lead the world in shots on goal, they began with determination. Alex Urmanov unleashed a high shot which Bartholomew Hanson headed away. Joe Long came up with the ball, but was stymied by Mal Faustino. Eddie Barnes, reportedly popular in Cafundéu after Dunboor FC's championship, got the ball and began a meandering sequence of passes that cumulated in a well-placed attempt from Peter Vanderpent, but Pedro Marzala made a fine save.

Once back in possession, Scotchpinestan continued their offensive barrage. A foul from Andrew Card gave Terry Pipp a free kick from the midfield, but it sailed harmlessly out of play. Zwangzug would wind up scoring first, with midfielder Steven Ruck converting a pass from Ursula Lauren.

Scotchpinestan did not let up, however, and tied the score as the first half drew to a close. A magnificent pass from captain Paulo Salcedo left Igor Volkov wide open, and he scored to make it 1-1.

After the halftime, the Zwangzug defenders began rotating into the center position, hoping to counter the Scotchpine attack. They would hardly get a chance, however, as Zwangzug's offense kicked into gear. Phillip Stings retook the lead, followed in quick succession by Peter Vanderpent. Despite more exhilarating play and breathtaking attacks, the score lingered at 3-1 for some time. Captain Jacob Barons added a graceful fourth goal.

Zwangzug will play New Morissia next, a team that upset the Holy Empire's squad of Welsh ninjas.

"I just can't believe she would leave me in the lurch like this."

"Where's that damn roster, gah, still can't find it. Oh, well, we got no choice."

Andrew was speaking to himself as he tried to make sense of the mess that was his desk.

"Here let me help you with that Andy." said a calming very familiar voice.

"Alright, thanks mum.... Wha?! What are you doing here?"

And that was who it was Mrs. Coulter, a 67 year-old woman and mother of Andrew and many other Coulters who where around the place.

"When I heard that receptionist of yours...."

"Secretary, mum."

"Well, secretary then, just upped and left you, I know you, I knew you'd be lost without her. You always needed a strong mother-figure in your life to wipe up after you spilled or to take care of you when you..."

"MUM!!"

"What?"

"I don't need your help mum, I can do this by myself."

She looked over his desk and scoffed "Pish posh, you need me and I'm going to help, don't worry I've organised it with the nice people down at HR. I'm your new rece... I mean secretary. Isn't that great?"

Andrew could only sigh and let his head fall down on his desk right onto something that he left there.

"Oww." he started rubbing.

"That's we're cleaning up your desk... First task is to sort out this roster finally."

"Mum there are lot of important documents on here. I need them all."

"That's right that's why I am going to be here while you clean up your desk."

"but mum..."

"no buts... do it."

It was exactly the same when she used to make him clean up his room as a teenager. This was going to be a loooong world cup.

~~

A few weeks later the Bazalopes travelled to Thundercliffe, it was an expected walkover and despite a way too lax defense letting an early Thundercliffe goal into the net it was. 4 goals to Bazalonia and 1 to the home team.

Well here ya go. Hele scores in the second half to tie yafor 2. We tied got a point and are fifth in group tens standings. Ge it go it good

Bumiroar (1) 2-3 (2) St Samuel

The Latin Crusaders got their World Cup campaign off to a winning start in Group 4, which will certainly be a tough group to qualify from. With so much promise and hope for the national side of St Samuel in the World Cup this time round, they certainly made a meal of the match against Bumiroar. New manager Georgi Monte-Cristiano will look to qualify in his first campaign as manager, but a repeat of todays performance will certainly not see this become a reality.

St Samuel went in front early on in the 4th minute from a loose ball that fell to Leo Sensini. Sensini with his usual calm manner rounded the keeper and slotted the ball home.

But Bumiroar replied almost straight from the centre, gaining a quick corner and scoring from the resulting set-piece. The stern Monte-Cristiano looking on, showing no emotion, but surely deep down was furious.

With the Latin Crusaders looking odds on favourites to take away the three points, they showed no reason why they should be favourites. Poor passing and few chances saw the St Samuel fans get dismayed with a team that have so much more skill in them. But minutes before half time, Sebastien Atalanta gave the St Samuel fans something to smile about when he hit a hopeful shot from 25 yards out. The Bumiroar keeper got a fingertip to the ball, but not enough to stop the goal to see St Samuel take a 2-1 lead going into half time. With his team taking the lead, manager Monte-Cristiano still looked on, not even raising a smile for the goal.

The second half saw Burimoar get an equaliser in the 54th minute, once more from a corner, this time the big number nine headed the ball beating the keeper towards Le Ricco on the far post. As the ball tumbled towards the right back, most were expecting a hoofed clearence, but somehow Le Ricco fluffed the clearence and saw the ball fumble between his legs and into the net. Head in hands, Le Ricco knew he should have done better.

St Samuel were saved some blushes of a 2-2 draw when Batista was bought down in the box late on in the 84th minute as he made a promising run towards goal. World Cup veteran, Enzo Mazzeranni stepped up and smashed the ball home making no mistake. Ariddian assitant manager Yves al Jahdali, led the delight on the subs bench, but still Georgi Monte-Cristiano looked on without a note of emotion on his face.

St Samuel played out the remaining few minutes managing to subdue any last gasp Bumiroar attacks. Georgi Monte-Cristiano will have alot of work to do to improve his teams performance if they are to qualify from a group containing the likes of Demot, Sorthern Northland, Oliverry, Northern Bettia and the BoF champions, The Pazhujeb Islands. The Latin Crusaders face Sorthern Northland next in what will be Monte-Cristiano's first real big test as manager.

Goal Scorers Tally:

Leo Sensini 1
Sebastien Atalanta 1
Enzo Mazzeranni 1

San Adriano celebrates goal in narrow defeat

To mark the beginning of San Adriano’s participation in the 38th edition of the football World Cup, almost the entire population vacated the minuscule country, crowding into eco-friendly buses and driving the short distance to the Sanadrianese National Stadium, located outside San Adriano, in neighbouring Uhuh-Topia. Her Royal Highness Princess Serena was in attendance.

There is, no doubt, something strangely relaxing about knowing you’re not going to win a match. The population of San Adriano is barely 400. The population of Kansiov is almost 1.5 billion. The Sanadrianese team has only sixteen players instead of the normal twenty-three. Sanadrianese supporters could sit back and cheer on their side without worrying too much about the outcome.

The villagers had, of course, been training long and hard. A tight-knit defence, as well-coordinated as feasible amongst unexperienced players from such a small nation, was designed to minimise the number of goals conceded. And, as intended, Kansiov’s attack struggled on several occasions to break through a mesh of six defenders, re-enforced by two or all of the three midfielders falling back into defence too whenever needed.

By Sanadrianese standards, the defence functioned admirably. The team conceded only two goals throughout the course of the match, and goalkeeper Federico Pacchiano deflected or blocked several. Supporters applauded at every opportunity.

Their enthusiasm erupted into cheers when lone attacker Ase Shau actually achieved the unthinkable and scored a goal in the thirtieth minute, narrowing the score to 1-2. From then on, the valiant Sanadrianese held firm, and defended their net flawlessly. When the whistle blew, the players in red and green celebrated their narrow defeat as though they had just won the World Cup.

“This is fantastic, amazing, incredible!” said a beaming defender Arianna Ceccoli, perhaps the only Sanadrianese player known to international audiences since she took part in World Cup 37 as a referee. “I can hardly believe we did quite this well. This is really, really encouraging. Now we need to keep it up!”

A smiling coach Speranza Marani said she was “proud” of her team, and said they would be allowed to spend the evening celebrating with friends and family –and, indeed, the entire country– before going back to hard training tomorrow. The whole village is in a festive football mood, enjoying what is widely seen as an outstanding performance by the World Cup’s tiniest underdog.

“San Adriano, Campioni del mondo!” one banner in the village proclaimed. Just for tonight, on their own microstate scale, it almost seems as if they are.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/san_adriano.png San Adriano 1-2 Kansiov http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/kansiov.png

"Thank you all for attending you all know what has happened and one is clear, he is back." Said an elderly and wide mouse in some unknown room, it could be anywhere, it could be nowhere, literally you never knew with the mice. There was about a hundred in the room.

"Tander HoleMouse, has died, we cannot find the disc and worse yet, he's back. We're running out of time." said a seconf

"Hang on, I'm missing something, okay I get the fact that he's back, but why does he wants the disc?"

"I will show you." said the elder mouse, the air started to get shimmering and a viewing portal opened up right in the middle of the room, images started to swell. As he spoke various related images appeared

"It all started with the MouseFA's vision to hold the baptism of fire, they wanted something that would make the miceland BoF experience a memorable one and so they hired Crafty CreativeMouse, to develope the process that would create the shaped discs. The discs were going to provide each player with special abilities, but little did they know that he was actually already in the employ of the unmentionable evil. The discs where bounded to the players and absorbed them, something that was not intended by MouseFA, but with the one multi-colour rainbow he can absorb not only sporting prowess but well everything that connect to. If they get their hands on it the entire multi-verse... " The elder mouse shifted and looks right through the monitor seeing someone sitting at a computer "... including you ... will be devoured and enslaved, nothing and no one will be able to stand in their way."

"Can't we just dis-enchant the discs?"

"No, if we do that they'll lose their soul for ever, and if we try to interfere with it, there is obviously some kind of protection mechanism Our only option is to find and destroy it."

"Why didn't we destroy it while we had the chance?"

"How did you think we found out all this information we were studying it, we were going to destroy it together now but, we've got to find it."

"Any ideas where it might be?"

"None; it could be anywhere through space and time."

"Alright, you know what to do, Dismissed."

And with that all the hundred or so mice seemed to vanish, appearing throughout space and time searching for the device. The Elder mouse sidled up to a younger mouse, well everyone else there was younger than him but this one was just that much younger again.

"I need to talk to you in private...."

Of course, they missed the 'ship back to Casari, and the Spaam match- not that anyone wanted to go to that one, but still- they would like to go home sometime, which is why they were sitting at an airport bar, waiting for the next flight out and watching World Cup highlights.

"Next, to Starblaydia and Ariddia, both teams standing nicely for the anthems. However, when the crowd had stopped booing the Starblaydi anthem, purely because it ended, Jeremy Isaacs and his ten team mates raised pictures of Communist icons while singing Dream, joined by those in the crowd not drugged up on crack. Abdel Mohamed, the only North-West Ariddian among the starters, bowed his head and crossed his fingers, rather than singing the anthem of the Communist oppressors. Unfortunately, the match was a rather bland affair..."

The four kind of tilted their heads in unison. "Damn commies, when will they finally quit shoving their stuff in everyone else's face?" Tob said, sighing.

"That's just what they do. If they made any more sense, they wouldn't piss everyone else off so much." Jimmy said.

"There must be something to do as a counter to their propaganda."

"Oooh, like shoot off cannons!"

"YES." Rolly said, finishing his beer. "Then, if they hit a commie on accident, it just gets better."

"I think this might be an idea. We should try calling the CSA about this. Besides, who doesn't like cannons?" Ryan said.

"Noone." Tob said, getting another beer. "Noone worth worrying about, at least."

"Well, there you go."

"Doesn't the rationalizing a counterpoint to communism with shooting off cannons indicate something disturbing about our own society?" Ryan said, watching Manilla Island-Vilita highlights.

"No, why would you think that?"

"No reason."

Jeruselem Football Association

Urgent Interoffice Memorandum

It has come to the attention of the Jeruselem FA of an organisation called the Restoration of True Morality. The aim of this organisation is restore so-called "Morality" to Jeruselem via any means including violence. The Jeruselem police think the death of Dinkie Dosha was caused by this group.

Anyone in the Jeruselem FA with any association with this group or the group's off-shoots must sever these ties. If you don't, you will be ejected from the Jeruselem FA and if you are found to be associated with the death of Dinkie Dosha, you will be arrested.

Restoration of True Morality is an anti-football group and seeks to replace all distractions to the worship of God with their own brand of workship. They also have links to Nazi and neo-Nazi groups in Jeruselem. They also aim wrestle the financial control of Jeruselem away from the Jews and seek to disempower the Jewish peoples.

The Jewish people of Jeruselem are big supporters of our football and a lot of our local clubs are financed by Jewish business. We need the support of our Jewish friends to keep the football business running.

Recently some girls at the St Mary's Catholic Girls School tried to assault Jacinta Dallas, but her personal security saved her. It turns out, the parents of these girls were members of this society. Jacinta's recent head injury was due to a visit Jeru FC training and not these girls. She was delivering the Jeru FC team their new uniforms and she got clonked on the head by a roof tile.

The Jeruselem team need a new nickname - we think Crusaders isn't quite accurate anymore. Our suggestion box (that's email inbox) is running hot. After filtering out the most undesirable names, here is the top 10

Angels
Strange suggestion but it's the name of our female team who aren't Angels.

Bikes
Well, we can blame the Dallas girls for this one.

Ninjas
I think those Dazzi fans are being too optimistic. There's only one real Ninja in the team.

Whores
A lot variations of like this came in eg Sluts, Prostitutes, Bed Warmers, etc

Drama Queens
I like this one, every World Cup is drama for us.

Soapies
Another good one, the Dallas soap opera that is.

Raptors
Yes, we have lots of fast-moving birds or girls in this team who prey on weak men

Lions
The Lion of Jerusalem from our flag inspired name ... very unoriginal. Nedalia were the Lions.

Leopards
No real Leopards in Jeruselem apart from some women in our team, but we do have three leopards on our team strip still.

Bimbos
Yes, blame those girls again.

Jeruselem FA President

Abrams Tunk was talking to the Jeru FC team after losing to Endmile 1-0

"What was that? We can beat Endmile but we didn't. You can do better than that. Look, Jeruselem won their game. Our Princess scored a hat-trick. You know, a small girl about this high can score more goals than the Jeru FC team. Fellas, we can a lot better. Our Princess is showing you what we should be doing. We are going watch our nation team on video today, and see if you can actually learn something. Scoring goals is something we need to master. We have skills but we need the commitment. When you're out there, its not just a bit fun ... it's also national pride. The wife of our future King puts body on the line and so should you. You need to passion boys, that's why those little Dallas girls are so good. It's skill and the passion, the passion to commit to the cause. Any questions?"

One player asks "So we are going to watch a video with the Princess in it?"

"Yes, dopey. No, it's not that kind of video. It's a football game. You know, what you guys are supposed to be playing. Yes, there's three Dallas girls in this video too. I hope that gets your attention."

<After watching the video>

"You learnt something? See that little redhead girl running around making you lot look slow, lazy and useless. Kate is a leader - she's showing the way to better football. You lot, you muddle through a game and well, sometimes you win when try hard enough. I want to see leaders out there, I want see MEN. You can play like Kate, you can score goals, you can win. Don't make a small girl make you look stupid because you're not putting in hard work."

The Isangrad Times

Boyars Lose To Jeruselem

It was a pretty sad day for any Valerian Boyar fan. After a stint with Jeruselem, the Boyars lost devastatingly, without making a single goal. It was a shut-out of the Boyars, a snub in the face for this young time with big ambitions. The Crusaders crushed the Boyars, 5-0. The Valerians were kind of expecting such a loss however.

"Jeruselem has a world class team that has kept its tradition going for a lot longer that Magnus Valerius," Coach Ilyanich mused. "As for the Boyars, we have fresh faces that don't know how to play well enough in the world cup setting. We once had a decent team, but for various reasons, we could not keep the tradition of fine football going long enough to turn Magnus Valerius into a world-class world cup team."

This just proves that the Boyars still have a long way to go before ever dreaming of qualifying for the actual world cup, but even so, the Valerians are young and have many more opportunities to hone their skills and become a top team in the world. But until then, the fans will have to wait and watch as the Boyars get pummeled by other top-notch teams and perhaps struggle for another world cup or three.

Group 6

Kelssek 3-1 Uiri
Miceland 0-2 Kiryu-shi
Capitalizt SLANI 2-3 Candelaria And Marquez
Jeruselem 5-0 Magnus Valerius


Pos Team P W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Jeruselem 1 1 0 0 5 0 5 3
2 Kelssek 1 1 0 0 3 1 2 3
3 Kiryu-shi 1 1 0 0 2 0 2 3
4 Candelaria And Marquez 1 1 0 0 3 2 1 3
5 Capitalizt SLANI 1 0 0 1 2 3 -1 0
6 Uiri 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0
7 Miceland 1 0 0 1 0 2 -2 0
8 Magnus Valerius 1 0 0 1 0 5 -5 0

NOV 20 1933 (Randovium)


The 1st test of the Bionics went well, but not as good as I hoped. Only 3-1 win over whatever country this is. But despite having the advanced sight and lung capacity integrated and functioning, the rest of the enchancements were spotty at best. Dr. Hadel promised that by the Turori match the rest of the Bionics will be fully integrated, I only need the legs strengthened for the next match against Jeru FC.

The lone Qazoxian reporter (dammit it should be at least 100 like at our 1st match) mentioned to me that on Yancy Fry's 2nd goal it seemed like there was no chance that a ball could go through 3 defenders like that. I shrugged it off and told him, that it was the wind.

Fry has taken to the new enhancements the best so far, it seems. Maybe it's his age or his superb conditioning, but 3 goals in one match has him begging to have the rest of the Bionics implanted. But as usual, there are a couple of people who are slow to take to the technology. Ty and Yuzuki Reed could be a problem, as they so far have refused to have any enchancements grafted. But there are ways to make them do it, or else they shall be placed on the scrapheap.

SCORING SUMMARY:
(Qazox) Fry: 12', 29', 72'
(Randovium) 86'

Jason Vallens World Cup Blog:

Matchday One @ East Lithuania

I knew we've been out of the loop for a while, but to lose 5-1 to East Lithuania, shows just how far down the ladder the Wombats have fallen. The lone goal was scored by Claudia Bard, who beame the 1st woman in over 40 years to score a goal for Green wombat.

But the goalkeeping of Ralph Bing left much to be desired. Bing allowed 5 goals, all in the 2nd half, as the Wombats fell to 0-0-1 early in the qualifying.

The Scoring summary:
EL: 48'
EL: 53'
GW: Bard (1) 67'
EL: 73'
EL: 79'
EL: 91'

But the Wombat's return wasn't the biggest story of the day as both Wentland and Milchama, the prohibitive favorites in this Group, each lost 2-0 to Nire and Nire and Bostopia respectively. So while the beginning wasn't great, there is still much football to be played, and Green wombat isn't that far behind the group.

Up next is the home opener against Prux. The Prawns drew Lovisa 2-2 to open thier qualifying. The key against the Prawns will be to contain 007, while pressuring Edwin Ngima with high shots on the net. I think we can steal 3 points out of this one with a 3-2 win.

PRUX' TOP TEN LIST VS. LOVISA

#10- President Peter Griffin threw out the first ball, too bad it was a softball and it knocked out the head referee.

#9- Lovisa scored the first goal in the 34th minute, as E. Nigma tripped over a rock near the goalline.

#8- 007's first goal cam just 5 minutes later as he sped past the Lovisa defense and sliced it around a defender into the top corner.

#7- President Griffin threw up on the Lovisa head coach, as the teams headed for the locker room at the Half.

#6- Lovisa took a 2-1 lead in the 68th minute when E. Nigma slipped on his robe (don't ask) and the ball sailed over his head.

#5- Salami Sub managed to tie the match in the 73rd minute, just moments after he came in for Pi R. Squared, whose circle began to decay into an ellipse.

#4- 007 missed a penalty kick in the 87th minute that would have given the home side a win.

#3- The draw leaves Prux tied for 4th in the Group behind such teams as East Lithuania (5-1 winners), Bostopia (2-0 winners) and Nire and Nire (also 2-0 winners).

#2- The next match is at Green wombat, supposedly a 2-time World Cup qualifer. But since we never saw them do it, we're guessing they're lying about it.

#1- We're ahead of such teams as: Wentland, Milchama, Capitalizt SLANI (our pick to win it all), Tynelia, Starblaydia, The Archregimancy, Sqournshelous, Estresse Intenso and The Holy Empire. (ALL LOSERS!!!)

It turns out there's a lot of empty water between Bostopia and Casari. And it's probably no shock what that lead to- and if it is, you might need to get yourself checked.

"You know, the Derry Music Festival is next month." Jimmy said, idly flipping through one of those useless in-flight magazines.

"Who's headlining?" Ryan said, staring out the window.

"Shit bands, mostly, Nova and Southern Front should be there though."

"Meh, screw Derry. It's just a joke compared to Summerfest. Which we're going to this year."

"What? Why?" Tob said.

"Fifteen Days! Eleven Stages! Beer flowing like water! More acts than you can bloody imagine! Fourteen in advance, Eighteen at the gate, package deals for all! You should have gone last year. It was awesome to the max. Better than soccer."

"Nope."

"What? You don't have a two-thirds chance of not winning, for one. It's only 18 sels a day, for another. And lastly, oh my god, babes."

Jimmy nodded. "Oh yes, babes." he said, reaching over and exchanging a high five with Ryan.

Rolly nodded along. "It's a hard argument to top."

That it was. There was nowhere close to enough babes at a soccer game, to be sure- and those that were were usually in team shirts instead of the type of clothing they they would wear to a two-week music festival at the height of summer.

Tobias sighed. "Isn't there a match that weekend?"

"Pfft, Squornshelous Home. If that seems interesting at all, you might have more pressing problems."

Tobias sighed. "We could flog the tickets and pick up some full-passes, I suppose."

"All fifteen days?" Jimmy said.

Ryan blinked. "That's rather hardcore."

Tob shrugged. "Well, we'd go every day anyway, might as well save some by paying in advance."

"... who are you and where did you put Tob?"

"Shut up."

"If you say Jimmy do one, I'm throwing you off this blimp." Ryan said.

Jimmy looked around and blinked. "Wha?"

"Not you. Sheesh."

BELL DAMAGED BEYOND REPAIR IN LOSS

Hopeless SC Wanderers leading scorer in the Baptism of Fire tournament, Alan Bell, had his career brought to a stunning end in the Wanderers World Cup debut against Dance 2 Revolution. The Dance captain, Namarato Maeda, decided to take a break midway through the first half and do an impromptu dance on Bell’s right knee, earning him an automatic red card.

After that, the match got ugly, with each team earning three more yellow cards, and Wanderers winger, Kyle Williams, being rewarded an automatic red card in the 39th minute for an unsuccessful retaliatory attempt to take out one of the Dance forwards.

The match was scoreless until after Williams was sent off, then the Dance experience took over. They scored in the 43rd, 52nd, and 64th minutes, before falling back to protect the lead. Not that they really needed to with the Wanderer’s main offensive threat’s career being ended in the first half.

In a written statement released after the match, Bell formally announced his retirement, effective immediately. His ACL was torn and he knew that this was probably going to be his only World Cup because of his age and the rising stock of good, young players in Hopeless SC. The immediate retirement allows the Wanderers to name a replacement player to his spot, enabling them to have a full squad. Former substitute Paul Corner has been named the new starter, but Bell’s replacement on the roster is yet to be named.

Wanderers Head Coach Thomas Larson was livid after the match. “After such a blatant attempt to injure our best player, I hope the World Cup Committee or his own nation hands out additional punishment to that bastard. We should have been awarded a forfeit win for such a blatant intent to injure, which very likely came on orders from their head coach The only consolation for me today is that those heretics of The Archregimancy got pounded worse than we did.”

Soccer Academy Administrator Brian Peterson immediately removed Head Coach Larson from the interview before he could say anything else that could earn him a fine.

It would probably be a wise move for Dance 2 Revolution to bring a bunch of extra security when they come to Hopeless SC for the return leg, as both the Wanderers and the people of Hopeless SC may be out for blood in retaliation of the senseless events that took place in today’s match.



Hopeless SC 0
Dance 2 Revolution 3 (43, 52, 64)


Cards:

Hopeless SC: Kyle Williams (red), Mark Field (yellow), Tim Paulson (yellow), Chad Carter (yellow)

Dance 2 Revolution: Namarato Maeda (red), [Dance choice #1] (yellow), [Dance choice #2] (yellow), [Dance choice #3] (yellow)

"We Won!!!"

"What?"

"You didn't hear?, Nire and Nire upset Wentland"

"I wouldn't call it an upset you were playing a bunch of women"

"So"

"And they all got sent off"

"But we did score two goals"

"Dude, there was no defence"

"So what does this mean?"

"Um ... you got lucky"

"Wait ... was that incontinent fool Nire playing?"

"Nah, left him on the bench"

"He must not have liked that"

"Why do you think we are in here?"

Nire and Nire in World Cup Upset
Sentu:Jubilation throughout the disputed territories today as the Nire and Nire citizens celebrate victory in the opening World Cup 28 qualification match against Wentland. Fielding a full strength team Wentland (Ranked 13th in the World) struggled to contain the attacking prowess of strikers Juan Rello and Cest Wonder who struck each either side of half time for a 2-0 victory. Speaking after the came High Priestess Nire praised the efforts of the young strike pair and issued a warning that their place was not secure in the team: "Sure they were strong today, the played good attacking football. But the next match is a new day and we all know how quickly things can change - especially in Nire or in Nire." With an evil grin, Commander Nire turned and walked towards the changing sheds. The Disputed Territories, much to the surprise of the football world, sits in 2nd place in group 7.

Elsewhere in Group 7 Bostopia defeated Milchama 2-0, East Lithuania overpowered The Green Wombat 5-1 (much to the delight of the Nire and Nire faithful after being written off by the Green Wombat press days before the tournament began) and Prux drew 2-2 with Lovisa. Nire and Nire face Lovisa in Matchday 2 in front of our home fans for the first time ever. Efet Arena is ready and all 125,000 seats have been sold out for months.

Joh Nire is an independent reporter following the Nire and Nire Football team on their qualification tour. Joh, the son of El Presidente Nire filed his report from Wentland following the match

Nire and Nire Game ends in Farce, Thousands Imprisoned in Sentu
Efet: The Disputed Territories first qualification match for World Cup 38 ended in a farce late yesterday after the Wentland women's team was inadvertently selected for the match. After two early 'goals' to Rello and Wonder the Wentland team were sent off and the match was abandoned, handing all 3 points to Nire and Nire. Coach Sohot was obviously displeased with the abandonment of the game: "It was disgraceful. Heads need to roll, I would not be surprised if Wentland is thrown out of the World Cup for their display of arrogance today. When the game starts it starts. End of story." Nire and Nire now sit in 2nd place of group 7 behind East Lithuania who thrashed the Green Wombat 5-1 and equal with Bostopia who downed Milchama 2-0. Focus now shifts to Efet where Nire and Nire play Lovisa in their first ever international on home soil. All 125,000 seats have been sold for the match.

In a disturbing turn of events, El Doucho Nire, angry with being left on the bench behind Sentu star youngster Juan Rello, exacted revenge against the people of Sentu by issuing a royal decree incarcerating anyone celebrating the victory in the city. Upwards of 1000 people have been arrested and will be held without trial indefinitely. Outrage is growing in the Territory of Nire over President Nire's continued reign of terror.

The Entomologist
The Pazhujeb Islands' Leading Insect Study Journal

Translated from Pazhujebi to English by Tertius Shajarrayam

Old Man Finally Finds Friend In Walking Stick

Siddarth Qajarram has spent his years mostly only in the Fajr Islands hills above Juvapanam since his wife's death nine years ago. Though he has attempted to find many ways to cope and occupy his time, such as volunteering at his library, working as a courier, or drink copious amounts of wine while wandering about the jungle, he was still known throughout his local village as "The Sad Man." However, in the last week that has changed, as all of the children in the village chipped in to buy him a new pet.

The children considered the more traditional pet types, such as dogs or cats, but ultimately decided that those were too predictable. They wanted to get old Siddarth something more unique. After some inquiring with their entomology-obsessed parents (a trend for which we have to thank Edward, I suspect), they finally decided on a foot-long Malaysian giant walking stick.

"I've decided to name him Furball," says Qajarram. "He's just so cuddly! I never thought that I would find such a truly caring friend in an animal! Nothing makes me feel better when I'm down or thinking about my wife than having Furball brush his antennae against my cheek."

The children are delighted that their gift has been received so well. After Qajarram writes them a thank you letter, they all skip school to prance around the town singing songs of joy, some of which include Pazhujebiam Khirmay (the Pazhujebi national anthem) and Jingle Bells. Though the military is dispatched because there are fears of a pro-outsider rally, what with children chanting a song that has been alleged as a Western propaganda piece, there is ultimately no harm done and the army officers join in the singing.

"You know," says Qajarram ruminatively as the singing continues, "I'm so happy that now I'm starting to remember how s#^tty my wife was to me. You know what? In the third year of our marraige, she cheated on me! What a b$&ch! You would never do that to me, would you, Furball."

The insect makes a few clicking noises as Qajarram rubs its thorax. For once in life, a happy ending.

Fabia Silvia Vayachi is a reporter for the Entomologist. She lives with her two daughters in Dussenvussi.

Edward Right; Hardly Gloating, However

We caught up with Edward while on a flight to Argentina for a symposium on South American economic policies of the 21st century. He was busy, but glad to spare a moment to talk about his most cockroach-tastic subject: the Purple Sea Urchins. As usual, Sudhir Bhay brings us the report.

Sudhir Bhay: What a pathetic performance by the Pazhujeb Islands. But you predicted it, Edward.

Edward: I wish I could reprimand you for saying such a harsh thing about our national team. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that's the only fair summary for what happened yesterday, Sudhir. A terrible performance from Vekaj Amutarrad, with two horrendous mistakes, a no-show from Chaya Vuhumkara and Xussanikara Ghur, two guys who we need to come to play, and in the end a humiliating loss which will dent post-Baptism-of-Fire confidence.

SB: As the Sorthern Northlander media have said, that, if anything, was a baptism of fire.

E: Wasn't it? A really, really terrific performance from Korea China, I have to say. Two second half goals to really put us away; just a fantastic performance. On the other hand, I've heard that most of the time Neuville Senna can't hit a barn door, and Amutarrad essentially offered him two goals. The first was a ridiculous 34th minute gaff where he, astonished by a nearby television, wandered off the pitch to gaze at a terrible second-season rerun of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. What a joke. Amutarrad made a few saves throughout the BoF, and he had that really fantastic match against Hopeless SC in the second group stage, but otherwise we haven't seen much from him yet and I'll tell you what: he has caused some sleepless nights for supporters of Lammachi, his domestic side, too.

SB: Not all bad though- it seemed like we started the match right, with Panithaj opening the scoring in the 8th minute.

E: Yes, he looked sharp. I think all credit should go to Oujadda for winning the corner that set that goal up. He saw a weak Sorthern Northlander pass and got a toe to it. The ball ended up soaring down towards the home side's goal line where Oujadda chased it and managed to play it out off of Min Cho-Hi. Then a good outswinging cross by Parokshara on the corner kick found Panithaj with his feet set and the header was too brutally powerful for Sage to get anywhere near it. It was a good goal. AND... after that we were utter crap. Why our defense collapsed like that, particularly in the second half, I don't know. This isn't the Ivheshbu D. You can't just stand thirty yards out of goal and raise your arm every time an attacker gets within fifty yards of you.

SB: I'm sure Jaime will give them a stern talking to.

E: Stern would be a kind way to put it, I suspect.

SB: One quick thing before we look forward, Eddy- have you seen the angry reports from the Monastic Football Association? They're in a right state since you predicted they would make it to Kura Pelland / Vephrall.

E: Yes, I've seen. I also fully took into consideration their squads notable deficiencies, notably their blind goalkeeper, a lame back four, and an unapologetically alcoholic striker. Yes, the poor form of that squad was seen for all the world to gaze at in their opening match, but I've got more than one cockroach source that says they'll pull it together by the end of qualifying. My cockroach sources are rarely wrong; remember, Sudhir, I am a supercockroach. I'll bet that there are one or two miracles in the works for that starting eleven.

SB: All right, Edward. But I have to admit, even I'm skeptical.

E: That's fine. I don't mind beind an underdog. Can you imagine if I'm right about this? Why, they might even declare me a vassal of Christ, or a prophet, or... maybe even a saint?!

<awkward pause>

SB: I wouldn't put your mortgage on it.

E: Fine, whatever.

SB: Okay, it's time for the big one at the Bengaluru Velodrome, Edward. The first football match to ever be held on the soil of the Pazhujeb Islands. Demot versus the Purple Sea Urchins. I'll tell you something, I am going to put on my best purple robes, buy a really expensive purple turban, I might even paint my face purple, I'm so excited... in any case, I will be there will bells on for this match. How about you?

E: I'm afraid I'll be at this conference on South American economic policy in Buenos Aires, Sudhir. But I am likely going to have my entourage provide me a private roach simulation so that I can cheer the Islanders on. Don't think I'm not excited.

SB: Oh, everyone is! Even though it is against Demot, and the odds are a hundred to one that we won't get murdered seven nil, the excitement is really big. 46,000 people will get to watch the Urchins play for the first time ever, really in person, not in a simulation pit, but real human bodies. It's going to be fantastic.

E: It is, it is. Care to hear my prediction?

SB: Why not.

E: Two nil Demot.

SB: That's a bit kind.

E: Well make no mistake about it, I want the Pazhujeb Islands to do well, Sudhir. I'm optimistic that we will at least show Demot that we aren't pushovers. But I don't think there's any doubt that Demot will be leaving Bengaluru with three points.

SB: On that happy note, we have to end, Edward. Thanks so much, promise you'll talk with us again?

E: You bet.

SB: Thanks to everyone for reading. From a plane somewhere over the middle of nowhere, this is Sudhir Bhay, reporting for the Entomologist.

MD 01: (L, 1-5) Sorthern Northland (Away, @ Sorthern Northland)
MD 02: Demot (Home, @ Bengaluru Velodrome in Bengaluru)
MD 03: Northern Bettia (Away, @ Northern Bettia)
MD 04: Bumiroar (Home, @ Chargers' Boulder in Rujananja)
MD 05: Bergelland (Away, @ Bergelland)
MD 06: Oliverry (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 07: St. Samuel (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 08: Sorthern Northland (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 09: Demot (Away, @ Demot)
MD 10: Northern Bettia (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 11: Bumiroar (Away, @ Bumiroar)
MD 12: Bergelland (Home, @ Zhevassi Athletic Field in Zhevassi)
MD 13: Oliverry (Away, @ Oliverry)
MD 14: St. Samuel (Away, @ St. Samuel)

The Albrecht Herald
We’ll always have Otário
By Tracker Edwards

Should C&M’s World Cup 38 campaign somehow end with the cup lifted in Trilan, or in Albrecht on matchday fourteen; none will forget this evening in the USC. This was, quite simply, the Big Blues’ best ever result on the football field: a stunningly comfortable away win against the team ranked sixth in the world and tipped by several foreign media outlets as realistic World Cup title challengers. Not on this showing, certainly, when a C&M side ranked but fourth in the group took victory in the Capitalizts’ back yard.

Operating with four up front, the SLANI are a side that will always score goals against the meanest of defences – of which C&M have well and truly proved to be in recent years. From the Candelariasian perspective it was a game that would clearly call for a goalscorer, but no longer can we place Steven Fritz as the first name on the team sheet. Ignacio Vélez has become Mark Baker’s first-choice front-man, but unlike the departed Fritz his place is far from guaranteed with Stuart Vidakovic, among others, waiting in the wings. More to the point; after early goals, Iggy’s Cup of Harmony ended in Ignominy, with a glaring and needless hand-ball against the Han that saw him suspended for the knock-out game with Vephrall and contributing in no doubt to the Big Blues’ subsequent elimination.

As it was, it would fall to O’Sullivan Caras not Vélez to be the game’s star man; but the MarquezOW striker would still emerge with a brace of goals to his name. The small party of travelling fans would have been justified in wondering if Vélez would get even a foot to the ball in the game, such was the Capitalizts’ early, and hardly unexpected, domination. C&M were prepared to soak up pressure as per normal; frustrating Davido Agiaro and Alejandro Bolúfero into making only snap-shots which Oberon Martinez in goal could easily save.

Having not played together for six World Cup cycles however, the USC seemed rusty as a unit; the former champions seeming unable to deal with C&M’s packed midfield on those occasions when Baker’s men were able to break forward. A hit-and-hope effort from Ben Head aside; C&M’s first real opportunity game on the twenty-minute mark when Jos Cornelisse received a well-placed pass from Sam Young and stormed past Brent Elliott. The FC Lasft man’s cross went awry, but fell to the youngster Matteo Corradini. Looking nerveless on his senior team debut, the Albrecht FC midfielder dinked a ball over the head of Roman Ostheimer to Vélez. With Cord Tserkesidis sliding in towards him, Vélez remained composed enough to put the ball firmly past Friedel Kuban-Schnellfrieder in the Capitalizt goal.

With an assist on his first start, Corradini justly received all the plaudits from his colleagues, but their joy was short-lived. Almost from the re-start, Włodzimirz Tokay fed Agiaro on the left who provided the cross to Bolúfero. Martinez appeared to flag somewhat, but can receive no blame for the USC captain’s assured finish.

To their eternal credit however, C&M remained unruffled. They were helped however by the poor play of the opposition, epitomised when Tokay failed to get on the end of a loose pass from Head. Throughout the match, the Capitalizts appeared oddly robotic in their play – frequently failing to take advantage of C&M errors and continuing to plug away at a set program that, as it soon became clear, just wasn’t working.

The Big Blues indeed, without gaining the bulk of possession, were beginning to enjoy the better of the game’s chances and went back into the lead at the perfect moment. On this occasion, Cornelisse and Caras had swapped flanks – a new innovation from Baker but one that scared their opposite numbers in Otário throughout. On the half-way line, Doug Szczechowicz provided Caras with the perfect run-on and the Caires City winger took the ball past Tserkesidis and put in another cross to Vélez. The lone forward found himself with enough time to take the ball down off his chest and hit it past Kuban-Schnellfrieder’s grasp.

The away side remained under pressure during the second half, but wore an air of confidence unusual to any Candelariasian sports team. The UCS’s best efforts were easily saved by Martinez, while a well-orchestrated move threading between several SLANI stars ended with Benji Fu comfortably putting the ball out for a corner that Martinez would go on to hold.

Baker wisely chose to keep with the eleven men who had won the first half, and on the stroke of the hour mark his loyalty was rewarded. This goal showed the best of C&M’s new 4-2-3-1; Corradini and Head mopping up a Capitalizt attack, Head spraying the ball out to Caras on the wing who passed instantly to young “Cassa” Domingos. The kid was under pressure from Tserkidis but passed sideways again to Head who was able to find Caras on the edge of the penalty box. The winger was left with work still to do, but jinked past Ostheimer and sent C&M into fantasy land.

Initially at three-one the away side seamed confident, put the greater experience of their rivals took hold. They soon pulled a goal back through Ha Çūn-gīn after a clever ball from Elliot, and C&M’s defending became increasingly desperate and ragged. Martinez again proved equal to the efforts of the four men leading the Capitalizt line, but both Fu and Young were in quick succession forced to save on the line.

C&M’s dream threatened to turn into a nightmare on eighty when the left-back Szczechowicz went in hard on Ha. The right-sided striker emerged from the tackle with nary a scratch, but Szczechowicz received his inevitable marching orders.

Baker rearranged his side, bringing on Lorenzo De Wilde to the left-back role for Corradini, Vidakovic for the tired Vélez and Fred Ma on for Cassa. The latter two nearly combined to give C&M a shock fourth, but the ten-man visitors were ultimately forced to defend to a man for the remaining minutes. Somehow though, the Capitalizts could find no way through.

On the face of it; Baker’s men will face no harder challenge than this in the qualifiers, but the biggest sides have not always been our undoing. The MSS plays host next to three games against the more middle-order sides: Magnus Valerius, Kiryu-shi and Zemyzha Myzhent. In the long run; it is in Albrecht, not on foreign fields, where the fate of Candelaria And Marquez will be decided.

http://i176.photobucket.com/albums/w175/candelariaandmarquez/slani.png Capitalizt SLANI 2
Agiaro 22, Ha 76

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/Candelaria And Marquez.png Candelaria And Marquez 3
Vélez 20 and 44, Caras 60

___________________________

Lyndon Hernández, Chair etcetera, Minister etcetera; had been the first kid at school to possess a VCR. There were some advantages to having an exiled father making a success of it abroad and sending money home. Lyndon had discovered the joys of the pause-and-rewind-and-play-and-pause-and-rewind-and-play feature watching the 1968 film version of Romeo and Juliet (hardcore porn channels not arriving in the Candelarias until the late nineties) and had never looked back.

Now; he paused, rewound, played, paused and rewound again.

“It’s a fantastic piece of work, Dan, you’ve gotta admit,” he muttered breathlessly to his assistant.

Daniel Martino looked up from his laptop to the big screen. There, endlessly, C&M left-back Doug Szczechowicz was attempting to break the leg of Ha Çūn-gīn. And there, endlessly, where there should have been a metallic crunch and a shower of sparks; was blood. Real, honest blood – not too much of it, not so much as you’d notice, really, but a proper couple of square inches of grazed skin and a little trickle of blood. It rolled like the waterfall of a biblical river of the Capitalizt striker’s boot, and onto the pitch of the Stádie Síntaüilire’da. And stayed there. Hernández watched it again.

“And you say it stays there the entire match?”

“Mm. You can still see the patch of blood when ‘our boys’ go to clap the away fans.”

“Incredible. Give that CGI bod a gold star.”

“He worked on Lord of the Rings, you know.”

“Really?” Hernández paused in concern. “He wasn’t a hobbit, was he? That’s all we need…”

Martino laughed. “Talking vaguely of which…” He tossed the minister a rolled-up newspaper.

“Wozziz? Oh, the Scroll again? Bloody gnomes haven’t been having a go at us again, have they?”

“They say ‘a bunch of speciesists, and th–”

“… The world cup is better off without us, yeah I see it.” Hernández sighed. “Please don’t tell me anyone’s reprinted this?”

“Nah. Well, the Reporter’s done the bit about being heartily sick of the Dallas tribe. That went down well, it seems.”

“Hmm. They call us ‘slimeball’?”

“I know,” Martino beamed merrily. “It’s almost like they’ve met you, isn’t it?”

ITS....

THE WORLD CUP SHOW!

With Basil and Theo!

"....some harebrained, crackpot ideas in our time, but a squad of Welsh ninja warriors? That's quite possibly the stupidest idea the Holy Empire Football Association has come up with. Ever. Whomever came up with that one ought to be shot. It smacks of a complete and total lack of inspiration."

"But it was our idea, Basil."

"Oh no it wasn't"

"Oh yes it was!"

"Oh no it wasn't"

"Oh yes it was!"

"Oh no it wasn't"

"Oh yes it was!"

<this continues for the next 20 minutes - footage which the editors have kindly agreed to cut>

"What were we arguing about, Theo?"

"Can't remember, Basil."

"Say, have I told you the one about the two nuns, the donkey and the plate of spaghetti?"

"Yes, Basil. Several times. Starting all the way back in World Cup 1."

"Oh. Right. Say, I have an idea!"

"What?"

"Let's talk about last night's football match!"

"Now, that would be original, Baz."

"Yes! Let's talk about how our silent and stealthy Welsh ninja warriors - and what a brilliant idea of ours that was - destroyed the nobodies of Monissia Islands with secrecy, guile, and other mighty Welsh ninja tricks."

"Errr..... not quite, Basil"

"Why not, Theo?"

"I think we might be better off talking about how subtle and secretive is the guile of our Welsh ninja warriors - as guided by the precepts of Sion of Tisiu's "The Welsh Art of War" - that they felt it expedient to lull the enemy into a false sense of security by throwing the match 4-2. As it says in "The Welsh Art of War" 'Sometimes it is better to withdraw from the field of battle to the airy heights of Snowdonia (preferably with your personal bard in tow) in order to lull the Saesnag below into a false sense of security. Then let forth your might battle cry - preferably composed in a 651 line epic poem of particularly complex metre."

"So they lost, then?"

"'Fraid so, Basil."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed."

"So, anyway, there were these two nuns, right, and one day...."

AN INVITATION

TO: All Orthodox Nations and All (male) Orthodox Footballers in World Cup 38

FROM: The Monastic Football Association of the Archregimancy

REGARDING: Divine Liturgy of Thanksgiving For Recent Result vs. Bettia

WHERE: The Holy Monastery of the Grand Lavra

WHEN: Tonight (this invitation works as a portal to the Dreamed Realm; simply hold it and recite a troparion to your namesake saint)


Dear Brothers in Christ!

Rejoice!

For as our Lord and Saviour suffered on the cross, so has it been given to us to suffer humiliation in our turn, and we are truly thankful.

As our Saviour was abused on the path to Golgotha, so hath the Children of Bettia abused our defence.

As our Lord was despised, so hath our team fallen from amongst the mighty to the meanest state.

The big difference is, we're not particularly hopeful of resurrection this qualifying campaign.

Nonetheless, we give thanks unto God for this bringing of humility, and invite our Orthodox brothers to share in our glory.

Yours in Christ,

The Monastic Football Association +

OOC: Warning: Long post.

IC:
TV producers at Ad'ihan’s only media outlet, Radio Ad'ihan International (despite its name, RAI does have a TV wing), have been working around-the-clock recently to come up with new ideas for television content to broadcast in association with the new World Cup qualifying campaign. And they’ve struck gold, in the form of a new reality game show revolving around Ad'ihan’s fortunes in the qualifiers.

Based loosely on The Amazing Race, eleven teams of two will be taking part in the two-year challenge, which will last the duration of the World Cup qualifiers, with the top five teams moving on to the finals – to take place either during the World Cup proper, or, should Ad’ihan fail to make that, the Cup of Harmony.

The eleven teams of two will be taking part in a race, to be held in the countries where Adiihan are playing their matches. Like The Amazing Race, teams will have to complete challenges during the race, and arriving last at the designated end point on an elimination leg means that you’re out of the competition.

There are a total of 15 legs in the first stage of the competition – eight of which are elimination legs. On the other seven legs, finishing last will result in a time penalty of 45 minutes assessed to the team before the start of the next leg, as well as the need to complete an extra challenge before receiving their first clue. Failure to complete the extra challenge on a team’s first go will add a 15 minute time penalty at the end of the leg.

With additional twists on the way, teams will be in for a rude surprise at times.

The final three teams will race to the stage one finish point for 500,000 Ad’ihan Tazos (Tz). These teams, as well as the last two to be eliminated, will then be brought back to race during the finals for the grand prize – tickets to each World Cup 39 semi-final, the World Cup 39 final, as well as Tz 1.5 million.

Now, let’s meet the host.

Davey Thomson is RAI’s chief football correspondent, and has covered the national team since its entry into the World Cup competition in World Cup 36. He’s been put in charge of his first non-football job, but he thinks he’s up to it. Let’s get to highlights from the first leg, then.

DT: “This is the heart of the International Protectorate of Ad’ihan. Eleven teams of two from around Liverpool England are about to embark on a two-year-long challenge that will revolve around the Ad’ihan national football team. All teams are currently being driven here in high-security vehicles. Let’s meet the teams.

“Corinne and Grace, sisters from Folenisa. Corinne is a survivor of melanoma, having made a full recovery from it three years ago. Through her recovery Grace was alongside her all the way, and they bonded over her illness. Now that she’s well, Corinne wants Grace to accompany her on another journey – one that neither is likely to forget in a while.”

Grace: “I was really surprised when Corinne asked me to do this, but I agreed without hesitation. On hindsight maybe I should’ve considered it a bit more thoroughly!” (laughs)

DT: “Léon and Anita, a married couple from Barrier Island, who’ve been married for 5 months and want to see if their marriage can stand the ultimate test under the stressful circumstances of the race.”

Anita: “I’m really looking forward to doing this with Léon, it’ll be the perfect honeymoon – it’s all paid for us, and we stand a chance to win the tickets and cash.”
Léon: “Not to mention it’ll be a test for us to undertake such a long challenge!”

DT: “Marcus and Dean, best friends from their time in university, from Orean, whose girlfriends – Michelle and Leana, also from Orean, are also taking part as a team. The four think that they’ll be able to work together as a solid alliance.

“Jerome and Harvey, brothers, from CCL. Both have PhDs from top universities in Liverpool England, and will be hoping to use their brains to make up for what Harvey lacks in brawn. Don’t look down on them though – Jerome can run a mile in five minutes.

“Jonny and Fred, from Schimpol, who’ve been going out with each other now for a year. Jonny says he’s still looked down upon.”

Jonny: “Back home I’m still not welcome, so I’ve been staying with Fred. The competition will give me a chance to prove that my sexuality has nothing to do with what I can or cannot accomplish.”

DT: “Denise and Dustin, siblings from Mountain Bay. Like Marcus and Dean they’re joined by another team, their parents, Justin and Penny. However, Penny warns that they won’t necessarily help each other out.”

Penny: “When it comes down to competition, Justin and I will do our best to win, even if it means leaving D-and-D behind.”

DT: “Thomas and Mike, a son-and-father team, from the Protectorate, one of only two teams representing the small enclave. The other is Guy and Dave, colleagues at the International Airport on Grand Island.

“And last, but not least, a mother-and-son team, Nicole and Jeff, from Corner Base.

“These eleven teams have no idea what’s in store for them. Due to the protracted nature of this challenge, the eleven teams have been told that there will be breaks between legs of up to weeks at a time, during which teams will be flown home to live their lives normally. After each leg, the episode will air within a week, so the teams are made to sign a contract that only disallows them from talking about the upcoming episode.”

The teams arrive at the starting point.

DT: “Welcome, teams, to the centre of the International Protectorate, the starting point on what will be a fascinating journey for most, if not all, of you. On this race around the world, you’ll be competing against each other to complete tasks and arrive at the designated end points first. On eight of these legs, if you don’t, you will be eliminated. On the other seven, finishing last will mean a 45-minute delay to your start during the next leg, as well as an additional challenge to complete.

“As legs can be spread pretty far apart, all legs, except this one, will begin on the stroke of midnight, with teams departing in the order they arrived, and with time leads still intact. There will be twists along the way, so watch out. Your first instructions are in the envelope on your bags. When I give the signal, one of your team members may retrieve the clue and return to your partner. You will then read the clue before being allowed to grab your bags.

“The first team to cross the finish line after 15 legs will win half a million Tazos, and the top five teams will move on to the second stage of the race. If you’re ready, on your marks, get set, go!”

One member from each team – Grace, Léon, Marcus, Leana, Jerome, Jonny, Dustin, Justin, Thomas, Guy and Jeff – all run to get their clue. Nicole almost runs along with her son, until Jeff yells at her to stay back. The racers return to their teams with the clue, with Jerome quite a ways ahead of the rest.

Jerome (reading aloud): “The Ad’ihan national team defeated Vikingholm at home 4-0 on Matchday One. As the match was played on home soil, no flying is involved. Travel to the Senate Building for your next clue.”

DT (overview): “Teams must now run to their bags and make their way by any means necessary – on foot, by bus, train or taxi – 3 km to the Senate Building. Once there, they’ll have to enter the building and follow the marked staircase to the third floor to receive their next clue.”

Léon returns to his partner just as Jerome and Harvey start running for their bags. Anita notes Jerome’s speed. “He’s fast,” she tells her husband. “Watch out for him.” The rest return to their partners in the following order: Dustin, Jeff, Thomas, Jonny, Leana, Justin, Grace, Guy, and Marcus, who tripped over something, putting him behind the rest.

All teams decide to look for taxis. Jerome and Harvey easily find an empty cab, and are already nearing the Building when Léon and Anita finally get a taxi after a frustrating wait. Jerome’s first out the cab and runs up the marked stairs as Harvey pays the fare. As Harvey makes it up to the third floor, the second and third cabs – carrying Grace and Corinne and Jonny and Fred – pull up. Harvey tears the clue open, and reads from it.

Harvey: “Split. Ask It or Read It.”

DT (overview): “A Split is when the team has to split into two to do two different tasks, related to each other. In this Split, the team member doing ‘Ask It’ will go around the streets near the Senate Building, asking anyone they can find about the 4-0 result that Ad’ihan managed. The catch is that they are not allowed to use any forms of media – so no newspapers, TV reports, or Internet searching. They have to rely on whatever information they are given, but it is up to them whether or not to believe it. They need to get the names of all four goalscorers for Ad’ihan.

“The team member doing ‘Read It’ must make their way four buildings east to this marked newsstand, and search a pile of magazines for one of the two marked publications in a stack of 30. They must then read the specially published magazines to try to find the same information as their partner, which has been hidden around in the text of the magazine. The only help they get is that the information is all on the same page. If two teams are already doing the challenge, any other teams behind them must wait for one of the two to finish. When both team members are confident that they have the right answer – in this case, Julian D’Abbo in the 8th minute, Barry Miller on his debut in the 34th, James McDonald in the 44th and Chris Stall in the 79th minute – they will write their answers down and compare them. If their answers match, they will show it to the security officer at the Building who will give them their next clue. If they don’t match, the team can opt to submit one of the two, but not both, as their final answer. If they are wrong, or they choose not to submit either answer, they will have to continue their task until they get it right.”

Harvey: “You’re the faster runner. You’ll be better doing Ask It. All I need to do is walk four blocks, but you’ll have to walk a lot.”

Jerome: “All right, then. Good luck, bro.”

Doing Ask It: Jerome, Corrine, Fred, Nicole, Mike, Dave, Marcus, Michelle, Denise, Justin, Léon
Doing Read It: Harvey, Grace, Jonny, Jeff, Thomas, Guy, Dean, Leana, Dustin, Penny, Anita

Teams getting it right on first try: Jerome and Harvey (20 minutes to complete), Fred and Jonny (18 min), Corrine and Grace (27 min), Mike and Thomas (20 min), Dave and Guy (34 min), Léon and Anita (30 min)

Teams getting it right after two tries: Nicole and Jeff (41 min), Michelle and Leana (39 min), Marcus and Dean (40 min), Denise and Dustin (44 min)

Teams getting it right after three tries: Justin and Penny (50 min)

Order after first challenge: Jerome and Harvey; Fred and Jonny (4 min back), Corrine and Grace (6 min), Mike and Thomas (10 min), Nicole and Jeff (21 min), Dave and Guy (22 min), Michelle and Leana (22 min), Marcus and Dean (23 min), Léon and Anita (29 min), Denise and Dustin (34 min), Justin and Penny (42 min)

Harvey received the clue. Reading it aloud, he started: “Congratulations on completing your first task. Proceed to the Ad’ihan border with Liverpool England at Frantane by bus.”

DT (overview): “Having completed their first task, teams have to board bus number 41 to Frantane, the southwestern corner of the Protectorate on the border with the Outer Islands of Liverpool England. It’s here where teams will find their next clue.”

Jerome and Harvey and Fred and Jonny both manage to catch the first bus – one arrives every five minutes – to Frantane. On board, they agree to form an alliance. Fred and Jonny are the first to disembark at their destination, and find the route marker as well as a table/stand, with a stack of empty clue sheets and a pen. Jonny opens the clue. “This is the first of six Surprise Points on the race. Using the pen provided, write the name of the team you think least deserves to lose the first leg, on an empty clue. Seal the clue and bring it with you to the designated end point – Arena by the Sea, one of the stadia built for World Cup 37. The last team to arrive may be eliminated.”

Harvey looked at Jerome, and then at Jonny and Fred. “Wow, that was unexpected.” As the second bus, carrying Corrine and Grace and Mike and Thomas rounded the bend in the distance, the two teams hurriedly made their choices and returned to the bus stop, where they would board the 41 bus out of Ad’ihan and into Liverpool England as it headed towards the coast. Greeting the two alighting teams off the bus, the four men hurried on board as the doors closed, and exchanged high-fives.

Corrine and Grace and Mike and Thomas made their selections, then waited for the next bus – which did not carry any teams. As the third bus, carrying Nicole and Jeff, Dave and Guy, Leana and Michelle, and Marcus and Dean arrived at the clue, the first bus reached the stop in Liverpool England for the stadium.

Fred and Jonny start off running first but Jerome quickly catches up, although he leaves his brother a distance back, allowing Fred and Jonny to be the first to cross the designated end line for the leg to be greeted by Davey Thomson.

DT: “Fred and Jonny, did you bring along your Surprise Point form? May I have it, please? Thank you. I see you’ve voted for Jerome and Harvey, although they’re right behind you. Well, let me explain. The team that garners the most votes will be given a 15-minute time bonus at the start of the next leg, assuming they’re not eliminated in this leg. If there’s a tie in voting, neither team gets the bonus. You’re team number one, but if Jerome and Harvey garner the most number of votes, they will begin the next leg ahead of you thanks to the time bonus. Is that clear?”

Fred and Jonny looked at each other shell-shocked, and then nodded. Davey tried to lighten the mood. “On a brighter note, you’ve each won a speedboat, which will be delivered to your house. Congratulations.”

As the teams arrived and checked in one-by-one, Justin and Penny were obviously lagging a way behind, due to the lack of challenges on the first leg – only the one. As they arrived at the designated end point, Davey greeted them.

DT: “Justin and Penny… may I please have your Surprise Point form? Thank you. Unfortunately I do not have good news for you. You’re the last team to arrive.” Both participants looked disappointed. “The good news is, indeed, that this is a non-elimination leg of the race. Furthermore, a majority of the teams – eight of the other ten – voted for you as the least deserving to be eliminated. For finishing last, you automatically receive a 45-minute penalty at the start of the next leg. However, being chosen as the least deserving to lose the leg has won your team a 15-minute time bonus, meaning your penalty at the start of the next leg will be half an hour. You will still have to complete an extra challenge at the start of the next leg, failing which you will be assessed a further 15-minute penalty. Do you understand that?”

Justin and Penny, visibly relieved, nodded and hugged each other.

First Leg placing and order/time of departure at start of second leg
1 – Fred and Jonny…………………………………12:00 am
2 – Jerome and Harvey………+1 min………………12:01 am
3 – Mike and Thomas………+7 min………………12:07 am
4 – Corrine and Grace………+9 min………………12:09 am
5 – Dave and Guy……………+30 min……………12:30 am
6 – Nicole and Jeff……………+31 min……………12:31 am
7 – Michelle and Leana
– Marcus and Dean…………+32 min……………12:32 am
9 – Léon and Anita……………+39 min……………12:39 am
10 – Denise and Dustin………+43 min……………12:43 am
11 – Justin and Penny…………+50 min……………1:20 am

OOC: And in case you didn't read through all of that, the match stats contained within the RP:

Ad'ihan 4-0 Vikingholm. Scorers: Julian D'Abbo in the 8th minute, Barry Miller on his debut in the 34th, James McDonald in the 44th and Chris Stall in the 79th minute.

Amda-Mo: Well that was the kind of impressive start to our title defense we'd hoped for, wasn't it?

Lur-Mn: Well it wasn't exactly the kind of start we'd hoped for, but there aren't really any big complaints either.

Amda-Mo: What do you mean?

Lur-Mn: Well, 5-2 is about what we should expect in a matchup like this. The offense was clearly clicking well. And even though we're playing a very attacking style now, we still can't be overly pleased about two goals allowed, although it's clearly not a panic spot either.

Amda-Mo: So who stood out in the match today and who looks to be the leaders down the road?

Lur-Mn: Well Seoula and El-Iot up front obviously. They showed their skill in picking up matching braces. And Shockey has a great presence so he'll be important. Youn Ji-Hyun's nice goal off the bench reconfirmed her status as biggest weapon off the bench.

Amda-Mo: Interesting. How are the super kids working out so far?

Lur-Mn: Well basically pretty good. They've had a lot of scrutiny up to this point and some really public misteps, so they're more skilled at dealing with this than your average 15 year old would be.

Amda-Mo: Any other thoughts on today's game?

Lur-Mn: Not especially.

Amda-Mo: Then about the rest of the group?

Lur-Mn: Nope. Nothing noteworthy at all today. All the teams that should've won did.

Amda-Mo: So then let's look ahead to our next matchup against Randovium.

Lur-Mn: Well we don't really know much about Randovium. Qazox handled them easily enough so I don't see any reason why we won't do the same.

Amda-Mo: Anything we should be paying attention to?

Lur-Mn: Keep your eye on Hi-Kui. His play should dictate how our defense works. So he'll be important.

Amda-Mo: Alright then on to the top six.

Lur-Mn: Ok here we go.

6. Sel Appa

The turtles started off their campaign with a solid 3-1 win over Dahanjeiguk. Nothing overwhelming about the game but the turtles were clearly better.

5. Jasi Yun

Smothered Ulzaxid, who's a reasonably average team. Could be a sign of bigger and better things to come.

4. Bettia

It's very difficult to know what to make of the 8-1 victory. These are two of the strangest teams going so it might not mean much. But an 8-1 victory over a team that should be strong like the monks has to be given some respect.

3. Errinundera

Putting 5 goals past the doctors is a mighty feat. That's one way to make a big showing coming out of the gate.

2. Bostopia

But it was Bostopia who made the biggest impression on day 1, shutting out Milchama 2-0. While 5 goals against Estresse Intenso is impressive, that's not the same as crushing Milchama, one of the best nations without a crown. So if they've got the most impressive win, who's #1?

1. Az-cz

That would be us. Our 5-2 win over Vanek Drury Brieres isn't as impressive as those others, but we're the champions and best team until further notice, so I'm going to keep us on top with that win.

Amda-Mo: Fair enough. It looks like we might be able to keep that for a whiles, so lets hope the team can do it. Well good night everyone.

Luke Evans watched RAI from his hotel room in downtown Ad'ihan, and grumbled. "I can't believe the crap they have on the telly nowadays. Makes me glad that BSA stopped shit reality programming back home." He flipped the channels on his TV, waiting for someone to call him. He muttered to himself. "I'm never watching that stupid show again. Nor granting an interview to that Thomson. Never again."

The phone rang. "Mr. Evans? Davey Thomson, RAI, I want to--" Davey was interrupted before he could even begin his interview. Luke Evans had begun yelling choice words about the programme that Davey was hosting into the phone, and poor Davey had no choice but to hear him out.

"Mr. Evans, thanks for the constr--"

Davey Thomson had barely even gotten his sentence started when Evans resumed his torrent of words. Davey sighed. He knew that this would happen. It'd be bad if he couldn't do his job covering Ad'ihan football, if Evans stopped giving him interviews.

"All right, Luke," Davey said, cutting Evans off, "I'll hand in my resignation to the show's producer. Will you grant me my bloody interview now?"

OLHO NO LANCE! YOUR SPORTS MAGAZINE!
$PECIAL $ECTION

WORLD CUP 38 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE - WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA
Written by Sílvio Ruiz, with comments from TV made by Breno Gavião

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DE QUATRO - GOLS - A ZERO

http://img117.imageshack.us/img117/8240/232395flamengofutebol21gz4.jpg
Another goal, another commemoration

Hello, hello, my friends. As you can see, we of Olho no Lance! were able to get an exclusive partnership with Globo Multimedia, and this is our first edition of the special section of our magazine. The first game of the Monopolists in the World Cup 38 qualifiers, against Merovis. What is Merovis? It is a country, but do not ask me more, maybe in the future we can learn more things about them. But now, to the main article:

Changes and Absences: none, this is the first game.
Formation: very offensive 4-4-2, as Braddock decided to put Marcelinho in the main team.
Opponent: unknown team, I guess they picked some supporters from the stadium to play the game.

THE FIRST HALF: our offensive style suited well the game, as we were the best team, and it could be seen in the first plays. With the speed of our full-backs, it wasn’t difficult for us to reach the attack, and we had many goal opportunities, while they had none. Yes, zero chances in the first half. The Monopolists tried to score from many different ways, using the legs, feet, chest, head, arms (this resulted in a yellow card to Eduardo Monte). The goalkeeper of Merovis didn’t make any excellent save, and maybe that’s why he suffered three goals. It was an exciting first half.

One of the best chances for Cafundéu happened in the sixth minute. Rato received the ball from Neto and shot to the goal, but the ball hit the post. But the first goal was scored soon enough. Eleventh minute: Anormal crossed the ball to the area. The defender headed it to his own goal, the keeper saved, but Flecha took the rebound and scored the goal. The second goal was scored by Toninho. He shot from outside the area, giving no chances for the poor goalkeeper. But there was space for more still in the first half, so Flecha took the ball from the midfield, dribbled three players and shot to score again.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 1 (Flecha’s first goal): “Merrrrrovis doesn’t seem strrrrrong enough to attack rrrrright now, and Cafundéu contrrrrrols the midfield. Now the ball is with Anorrrrrmal. He rrrrruns to the attack, finds an open space in the rrrrright side. Crrrrrosses the ball to the arrrrrea... it’ll be an own goal... the goalkeeper saves! The rrrrrebound goes to Flecha... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! The rrrrreplay must be seen! Flecha, number nine! Cafundéu one, Merrrrrovis zerrrrro! Cafundéu is sometimes a hot countrrrrry, don’t you think? So, the best thing is to buy an electric fan in Tufão Ventiladores, and forrrrrget the heat!”

http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/1939/6349535323galw1.jpg
A common commemoration by Flecha

THE SECOND HALF: of course, the result was very good for Cafundéu, and Braddock decided to rest two important players: Heitor and Rato, putting two more defensive players in their places. But the game situation wasn’t changed. Cafundéu continued offensive, and had more chances to score. Marcelinho and Flecha were the most dangerous players of the team. The only difference was Merovis. After a horrible first half, they returned with the second half with more determination, and tried to make some good places, even obligating Lauro to make three saves. Of course, this wasn’t sufficient to threaten the Monopolists.

An attacker of Merovis only didn’t score the goal because of bad luck. He dribbled Lauro, but, when he shot the ball, it stopped centimeters before entering inside the goal, probably because of the bad state of the grass. Cafundéu shot many times from outside the area, with Anormal and Neto, but they weren’t sucessful. But Flecha was when he received the ball from Vergara. He dribbled an opponent, and shot with style, scoring the goal and commemorating with the ball, kissing it. In the last play of the game, Carlos Magno tried to dribble five players of the opponent team and lost the ball.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 2 (Flecha’s third goal - 4th of Cafundéu): “It seems that Cafundéu will win these thrrrrree points. But therrrrre is still time for morrrrre football. Carrrrrlão passes the ball to Verrrrrgarrrrra, who contrrrrrols it in the midfield. Flecha and Marrrrrcelinho ask for the ball, Verrrrrgarrrrra passes the ball to Flecha... grrrrreat drrrrribble, he will shoot... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Replay, come to me! Flecha, number nine! Cafundéu four, Merrrrrovis zerrrrro! Action, rrrrromance and mysterrrrry... all these things you will find in Sandrrrrro Hrrrrreta’s new movie... Estação do Crrrrrrime. And don’t forrrrrget to buy the shirrrrrt of the movie and the toys too!”

CURIOUS MOMENTS: the bad conditions of the grass in the field produced some curious facts in the game. The midfielder Vergara lost one of his shoes in the field after his foot got stuck in the field. The game was stopped for two minutes, so the hole in the field could be closed. In the end of the first half, the midfielder Rato discovered that ants were living near the corner flag. When he was going to take a corner kick, he was attacked.

JORGE LANG - INTERVIEWS: as ever, the first one to give an interview to Globo Multimedia and Olho no Lance! was Franz Braddock. A nice and calm person, although he does not smile much. He seems a strict person. I asked him about the game and he said: “Wonderful victory. I could expect no less from the players I chose to play in this World Cup. This is a good start to our qualifiers campaign and, although there are still many games to be played, they seem to be ready to qualify without many difficulties.”

Yes, the coach couldn’t say that the team played badly, of course. I liked the way that Cafundéu played this game. Then, I tried to talk with the goal scorer Flecha, who was very happy, of course. He said to me: “Three goals in one game for a players is something to not be forgotten. It was good for me, and good for the team, as these points can make the difference in the future.” And, to end the interviews, I talked with Vergara, who said: “Well, this wasn’t a difficult game. We need to face a tougher opponent to see the real level of our current football.”

BEST PLAYERS OF THE GAME (Ruiz’s opinion): no one from Merovis. First, because I couldn’t recognize any, as they didn’t reveal their names or any details. So, in Cafundéu, I must say that Neto had a good game, with good passes and creating good chances, and so did Anormal. But the best player of the game was Flecha. Excellent attacks, good shots and... three goals. I don’t need to say more. Three goals and an excellent performance. Flecha is the man of the match.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 3 (Carlos Magno’s missed chance): “Good long rrrrranged pass to the attack, Carrrrrlos Magno with the ball now. He looks at his opponents... drrrrribbles one... drrrrribbles two. Stop. Two players came to take the ball frrrrrom him. Pass the ball, Carrrrrlos. No, he’ll drrrrribble... he’ll do it... no, he lost the ball... a stupid play. Need defence frrrrrom attackers and crrrrriminals? Buy a katana sword, you can find one in Master Guimarrrrrães’s shop! Defend yourself! Buy now!”

http://img69.imageshack.us/img69/1597/40941062luxemburgo203wc2.jpg
The coach Franz Braddock was successful again

MEROVIS 0x4 CAFUNDÉU

Place: (silence).
Attendance: (not here to be seen).
Referee: Oleg Ristaken (Kansiov).
MOTM: Flecha (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/merovis.png MEROVIS: no team released.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Lauro; Léo Mattos, Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal, Marcelinho (Carlos Magno 80’), Rato (Vergara 45’) and Neto; Heitor (Del Valle 45’) and Flecha.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

Goals:CAF: Flecha 11’/39’/74’ , Toninho 24’.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cafundéu – formation for game against The Islands of Qutar: Lauro; Léo Mattos, Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal, Marcelinho, Rato and Neto; Heitor and Flecha.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +3

Match’s Referee: Andrés Toluca (Candelaria And Marquez).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goalscorers after 1 game:

3- Flecha
1- Toninho

---Fort Boston International Airport, Fort Boston State---

Field Marshal Denfeld was running through the departures section, with Commander Nayford, and Troopers Higgins, Jeffreys and Reane close behind. Trooper Reane had been very quiet over the past few days, which was unfortunate considering he was the radio operator. Fortunately, he was monitoring airport communications systems, so not only was he the first to realise they should have been boarding their flight rather than testing perfume - “for wives, girlfriends and other assorted female companion types,” as Denfeld had put it – but he was also now directing the men toward commandeering transport to get them to the gate sooner.

“There they are, sir!” Reane called out, pointing at five electric wheelchairs.

“Wheelchairs, Reane? It'll be quicker to walk!”

“At the moment sir, yes, but not after I've made a few modifications.”

Denfeld looked puzzled.

“Right-o. You go ahead and do that.”

Jeffreys stepped in to help.

“Whort hae's daain sarh, ish hae's cannechtang thangammae thare tae thamgammae thare.”

“Jeffreys, as much as I understand you, I don't understand the electronics.”

“Fixed, sir!”

“Were they broke to start with?” Nayford asked.

“Well, no. But they're fixed!”

Denfeld got into the first one, and with a “Tally-ho!”, he had sped off...straight through a set of double-doors into a restricted area. A few moments later, he was whizzing back in the other direction, with security giving chase.

“JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!”

---An airship, between Casari and Bostopia---

“Right! That's it! I'm throwing you off!” Ryan stormed

“I never said anything!

---Another plane, this one coming into land in Wentland---

Denfeld looked out of the window, at the land below him, which was rapidly getting closer.

“So this is Wentland.” He mused.

“And what have you done?” Higgins sang.

“Bought yourself plane tickets!” Reane continued.

“Shut up or I'll shove a gun up your bum!” Nayford also sang, just about keeping in-tune with the song, which he had abruptly ended.

“Sure thing.” Reane added, earning him a deserved glare.

"...And our banners they shall proclaim,
Triumph for Starblaydia!"

A roar of support from the many travelling Starblaydi fans festooned with white and purple banners, clothes and replica kits. They were allowed a moment of cheering, and then Dream began, more sombre than the comparatively up-beat and pompous Starblaydi anthem. The powerful thing about the Ariddian anthem, however, was the first two notes, bursting out of tens of thousands of lungs.

"Dream on, Ariddia's sons and daughters,
Dream of a land of anarchy..."

The eleven Starblaydi players, mirroring their crowd, stood and respected the Ariddian anthem as it was belted out by the rest of the stadium. Then came the real spectacle. The football, the game, the World Cup, everything suddenly came second to what was about to happen. The crowd was as tense as any penalty shoot-out, cameras and camera-phones were raised by enormous numbers of fans, commentators went into overdrive as the substitutes and reserves of the Starblaydi side joined the starting eleven on the field.

The Ariddians and Starblaydi faced each other across the centre circle, two loose collections of players. Starblaydia's formed into two lines, the front one of ten and the rear of twelve, all wearing the all-purple kit with the addition of a white tracksuit top. Their captain, Lex Panarii - widely credited with re-inventing the Raiigar - stood out in front. He paced from side to side, staring down the Ariddians, and began to beat his chest in time. The more-dedicated observers of Starblaydi football noted his rhythm was slower than the one used by previous Captain Kili Izretar in the Baptism of Fire. Lex found it more-difficult to wrap his tongue around the ancient Vegan language, and so chanted slower as a result.

"Hati Se Kalonii", he began, swiftly answered by "Huhti Se Kalonii". Their opening verse was barely complete before “Llseh! Llseh! Swehashi llosh e lueal o!” answered them. Flash bulbs, though technically useless at a stadium-radius distance, went absolutely crazy as the two ancient challenges were sounded at once. They had most-certainly never been directed at each other before, and this was a moment of history to kick-off the World Cup qualification.

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c58/Krytenia/Jaffa.png

MATCHDAY ONE: CYAN ARMY 1-0 AURENDIA

We're back, and we're back in style! Aurendia never stood a chance against the Cyan Army, and 1-0 was a travesty of goal difference. Nice goal from Raphael Kennedy (his dad wasn't bad either), and now we're fourth in the group. Fourth!

And to top it off, Ariddia beat the MIMs. Life is good!

HAJ

The light struck Constant straight in the eye as he made his way inside the dressing room. Inside, the stench of sweat and dirt filled the room, as the players were showering and cleaning off following the impressive victory. With players congratulating each other, and pointing out mistakes that they could improve on for the next match, he left them alone and went into a seperate office where Titenburg was waiting for him. After taking the seat at the desk, Justinian turned to his former teammate.

"What are we doing for these guys Dwier. Really? They already are forming the chemistry needed for the rough streches. Riot, Yoshida, and Nickel are instructing the others on how to improve their play. So what are we, as the managers, doing for them my friend? Have we become that obsolete?" Constant let out with a long drawn out sigh.

"Ah my friend, it's the times. Players have become bigger, stronger, and smarter than they used to be. Even from when we were leading the team out on the pitch, things have changed since then. We needed Florentine and then Soler to whip us into shape when we were slacking. These lads and lasses have each other on worrying about dissapointing, not us. They hold each other to such a standard, that if they don't perform, then the leaders of this team will put them back on track or another will come up from the bench to replace them. All we're really here for is to instruct them on what tactics to use and call up the right players. Pretty simple really."

"I guess it is. Perhaps it was better back when were first entered the tournament, as small minnows in an ocean. Back when our players were soo overclassed that it made the manager job important. But now we have elite players who play in suberb domestic leagues and are constantly improving. It leaves guys like you and me as nothing more than figureheads Dwier. Hell, even if we do win the championship, I don't know if I'll be back. I want to feel challanged Dwier, I want that thrill of being relied upon. Here, I'll likely never get that oppurtunity."

"Aye, but if you go, you're leaving me the spot you know."

"Yeah, but you deserve after all you've done for this country on the pitch and off of it. You're a class act Dwier and if I had to leave my spot to anyone, it would be you. However, that's still at least a few months away if not years, so let us drink up, enjoy the ride, and let this roller coaster of a career bring us more ups than downs on the road glory."

{MD2 RP cutoff}

Coach Sohot returned to his hotel room a distraught man. A 1-5 loss in their first every home international, Lovisa had torn his defence to shreds. Changes would need to be made, but that was a matter for tomorrow. Tonight was for relaxing. Sohot changed into his dressing gown and elmo slippers and poured himself a glass of wine. The door bell rang and through the peep-hole he saw the evenings entertainment. With a smile on his face he opened the door ...

The Crown Prince was looking at his schedule for the day. Nothing exciting, except for one line "Troop inspection". He hoped it was a real troop inspection, the last one was a visit to Jeru FC with those weird soldiers as football players. They were nice people but they definitely weren't soldiers or football players, just a bunch of Dazza Dallas worshipping louts.

A blonde woman in tight black leather, like one of those women in Return to Castle Wolfenstein appeared. It was the Commander of Royal Palace Guard who took over from her ageing predecessor. She was a friend of his wife and trained Special Forces Commando as well as one of those weird Jeruselem female Ninjas like his wife Kate Dallas was. She was quite attractive but then Kate Dallas never mixed with ugly people.

Commander: Good morning sir, your wife asked me to be your female companion when she's not around.
Prince: I'm sure I don't need the extra security. I am capable of defending myself since I am an army man.
Commander: Well, I think she just wants to be sure. You know how upset she gets when you injure yourself.
Prince: well, there's no harm. You are quite capable yourself.

Commander: Yes sir, my job is ensure your wife isn't a widow.
Prince: Yes, she's a bike but she is a one man woman. Strange woman.
Commander: Well, we'd better be going. Can't be late.

<Later>

The Prince was looking at different kind of army. It looked quite scary, they all looked like a Black version of the Imperial Storm Troopers in Star Wars.

Prince: Who are these men and women?
Commander: Well, it's the new forces. Covert forces, anti-terrorist forces.
Prince: They have a name?
Commander: Just Imperial Stormtroopers, nothing exciting. OK, they are named that because Kate made a weird Star Wars comment - admittedly she was off her face. Anyway, it sounds good.

Prince: This is the first batch?
Commander: Yes, and no they aren't all clones. They are people in that armour. We aren't cloning soldier for your army.
Prince: So, who's the first target?
Commander: Well, the people behind the Restoration of True Morality. We can't have extremist Protestant Nazis running this country can we. And well, I'm actually a Jewish girl too so I have my own axe to grind.

Prince: No, you are right. I assume they won't be seen for most of the time.
Commander: Should these terrorists interfere, they'll be there. We've got them assigned to be around should the terrorists attack during a football game. Since your wife is one of the team members, she'll be the prime target.
Prince: Yes, I am afraid they might strike at one of our home games.
Commander: The men and women of this force will be at your service, to defend the nation.

Prince: I have to ask about those guns.
Commander: Caseless ammunition, the new generation of high tech weapons. Not quite blasters but we are working those too.
Prince: Well, let's hope we don't need them for our football games.
Commander: So do I, I don't like killing people. I only do it to protect Jeruselem.

Prince: How do you know my wife?
Commander: Same school, we were both the top classes along with a few of her other friends. I joined the army later. You're a lucky man. Yes Kate is a complete slut like her mother but she'll pump out all the kids you want but then some might not be yours.

NOV 21 1933 (Jeru FC)

The Bionics still need tweaking, dammit. The leg enhancements malfunctioned too often, leading to Jeru FC's lone goal in the 72nd minute. John Griffey's implants did lead to his goal, a blistering shot from 45 yards out that almost broke the back of the net. Wesley Tripp's goal came during a malfunction, and somehow it still managed to sneak into the net past James Honky.

The bad news is that the tweaks aren't going to be in done in time for the trip to Turori. But Dr. Hadel has once again promised to have them working. But I believe that Dr. Hadel's so-called expertise has reached its limits and I may have to find a new doctor, to complete the procedures.

The Reeds still prove intransigent in refusing to use the technonolgy. But thier play so far has been almost as good as thier enhanced teammates. For now I'll let this situation play itself out, but if thier play slips, then I will be forced to enchance them by any means.

SCORING SUMMARY:
(Qazox) Griffey: 40'; Tripp: 59'
(Jeru FC) Pansy Petal: 72'

Jason Vallens World Cup Blog:

Matchday Two vs. Prux

In one of the more unsual matches I've ever witnessed, a team consisting of a secret agent, a keeper in a robe, a sphinx, 6 foot tall walking sandwiches, a walking pie, a circle with legs, a over 10-foot tall Pi symbol and a 3 ft tall one and other wierdly dressed people, came to Green wombat and came away with a 2-2 draw.

Claudia Bard scored first, just 7 minutes into the game sending the crowd of 47,000 in The Hexagon National Stadium into a frenzy of cheers, but Pi R. Squared's goal just before half quieted the crowd down some. 007's goal in the 62nd minute silenced the crowd even more, but William Diehl's penalty kick goal with 5 minutes left sent the crowd home somewhat happy with the draw.

The Scoring summary:
GW: Bard (2): 7'
Prux: Pi R. Squared: 41'
Prux: 007: 62'
GW: Diehl (1): 85' (PK)

Green wombat sits in 8th place with only 1 point, but every journey starts with that one step. in other Group action, Milchama awoke from thier opening loss witha 10-1 win over East Lithuania, one of the most lopsided matches in recent memory. Lovisa defeated Nire and Nire 5-1, and Wentland edged out Bostopia 2-1. Lovisa has the early lead atop the group with 4 points.

Up next is a trip to Nire and Nire. Which N&N team will show up? The one that lost to Lovisa or the one that beat Wentland? Either way it should be a good match, but we'll snag our first win 2-1.

Abrams Tunk was quite pleased with his team's loss to Qazox, they lost but they played in manner which showed they were actually trying hard. Ironically, the "girl" of the team, Pansy Petal, scored the only goal.

Pansy: Hey coach!
Tunk: Nice goal Pansy, I see you've been watching Kate Dallas.
Pansy: Yes, I may not be a real woman but that Kate is a real woman in all ways.
Tunk: Anyway, keep up the good work.

Pansy: Thanks sir.
Tunk: Um, what are you wearing?
Pansy: It's called the Skate Skirt
Tunk: That's right, you shop at Dazza's stores.

Pansy: The only place to shop for girls and men like me.
Tunk: Never mind, just work hard and keep on scoring those goals. Do you always dress like that when you're in the army?
Pansy: No, I'm not allowed. I am when I'm playing for Jeru FC though.
Tunk: Just don't copy Skate's behaviour.

Pansy: I want money for surgery, I'm saving.
Tunk: Woman inside a man's body?
Pansy: Yes sir, I am.
Tunk: Oh well, good luck with that.

PRUX' TOP TEN LIST VS. GREEN WOMBAT

#10- The countryside of Green wombat smells like an unwashed pair of sweatsocks.

#9- Green wombat's Claudia Bard scored in the 7th minute, as E. Nigma was distracted by her bouncing breasts.

#8- The fans of Green wombat can't chant well. "We're not bad, We're not good, but you can't win in our 'hood?" LAME.

#7- The referees were obivously biased as two yellow cards were handed out against the Prawns, one on John Jacob Jinglehimer-Schmidt in the 30th minute, and the other on Real McCoy in the 84th.

#6- Pi R. Squared tied the match up at 1-1 in the 41st minute, despite being circle-handled by Jose Chaisson the entire match.

#5- 007 gave us the lead with a goal in the 62nd minute.

#4- Real McCoy's yellow card gave the hosts a penalty kick, which was scored by William Diehl.

#3- The draw leaves Prux drops them into 7th place, but they are one of 2 unbeatens in the group, along with Lovisa.

#2- The next match is at East Lithuania, who got destroyed by Milchama 10-1. Should be easy pickings.

#1- We're Still ahead of such teams as: Spaam, Estresse Intenso and Yafor II. (ALL LOSERS!!!)

An inept match against former hosts was not the way one wanted to spend their day. So afterward, you tend to find some way to blow off the steam of a loss.

A note to make is that this is a very bad way.

"This hill is rather steep." Jimmy said, wearing a hockey helmet and with his clothes stuffed with various cushions and pillows.

"Oh please, just get in the shopping cart, nothing will happen." Ryan said, holding a shopping cart and tapping his foot impatiently as Tob and Rollo shoved some foam mattress padding into the basket.

"Yeah, if you break your helmet, we'll get you a new one." Tob said, snickering as Jimmy climbed in the basket and lowered the facemask, snapping it into place and tightening the helmet on.

Rollo snickered as well. "You'll do fine. I'm sure you'll just turn if you lean."

"Shut up, dudes." Jimmy said, half-curling into the fetal position.

Ryan smiled. "Well, there's just one thing left to say."

"What?"

"JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!" Ryan yelled, pushing the cart down a hill, Jimmy held onto the sides, watching parked cars whiz by until he made it to the bottom of the hill and the road started to curve, at which point the cart hit the curve and flipped, throwing Jimmy clear and bouncing him off the turf a few times.

The other three ran down the hill, shouting encouragement at Jimmy who was laying motionless.

"Man... I hurt all over." Jimmy said, getting up and rubbing his face with his hand. The other three went silent, of course, as one of his fingers had decided to go drastically in the wrong direction.

---

The curses were so loud that patients in the waiting room were cowering in fear slightly as Jimmy swore at most everyone he knew and some people he had seen on the street a few times as he was going to buy doughnuts. When he left, however, he seemed in somewhat better spirits- which were still rather poor.

"Dude, that was awesome." Ryan said as Jimmy walked past. The three hurried to keep up.

"Fuck you guys. Next time I'm not doing the stupid stuff." Jimmy said.

"Fine. When you come up with something stupid, one of us will do it."

"Fine."

---

Ryan stood in an alley, frowning and looking out at the street, wearing an unseasonably long coat.

"Remember, two blocks, that's where Tob is parked." Jimmy said.

"Oh, I hate you."

"I know."

"Bastard."

"Better hurry up before someone spots you and calls the cops." Jimmy teased, pushing Ryan out into the street and pulling off his coat, leaving him nude as the day he was born. "JIMMY DO ONE, BRUV!" Jimmy yelled, turning and running down the alley towards the car. Ryan, however, did more or less the only thing he could.

He Jimmy did one, all right.

---

"Come on, it was funny watching you try to run." Tob said as the police officer opened the cell and Ryan stood up, wearing an old T-shirt and shorts.

Jimmy was rather sure it was funny- he was cracking up.

"Fine, I did mine, now it's time for the other two." Ryan said angrily, leading the rest out of the police station.

"Oh no, it'll be far more entertaining if they have to wait." Jimmy said, looking at Tob and Rolly. "Besides, I have to top getting clotheslined by a 68 year old lady in the middle of the street while streaking, and that might take a bit."

LARSON FINED 25,000 SOCCER BALLS FOR REMARKS

Wanderers Head Coach Thomas Larson was fined 25,000 soccer balls for statements detrimental to the team by the Hopeless SC Soccer Association today for comments made after the Wanderers World Cup debut against Dance 2 Revolution. Larson admitted he shouldn’t have said what he did in front of reporters, even though he calls his statements “completely accurate.” It is worth noting that the Hopeless SC SA didn’t condemn the remarks, just the timing of them. It appears that what Larson said was the universal sentiment after the opener, it was just his misfortune that he said it in front of a bunch of reporters and the statements got plastered everywhere.



LARKIN NAMED TO WANDERERS ROSTER

Hopeless SC Soccer Administrator Brian Peterson announced today that Alan Bell’s spot on the national team roster will be taken by 16-year-old Burt Larkin. Larkin isn’t expected to play much, as Paul Corner will see the vast majority of the time up front, but Larkin is an insurance policy in case of injury or cards. He’s one of the most promising young forwards in the Wanderers soccer academy.



WANDERERS REBOUND, WIN ON ROAD

The new-look Wanderers did a decent job of finding their way in their first match after the career-ending injury suffered by Alan Bell, as they defeated Mallatarsland 2-1 on the road for their first ever World Cup victory. Bell’s replacement in the line-up, Paul Corner disappointed by never getting on track today, but the Wanderers were able to find enough offense to pull out the win.

In the 41st minute, Wally Milton took a pass up the middle all the way to tie the match at 1-1. Then, in the 68th minute, defender John Anderson took an opportunistic shot on a loose corner that bounced to him for the match winner. Radar “Magnet Hands” Green was in fine form, turning aside three shots for the win in net.

Unlike the opener against Dance 2 Revolution, the match against Mallatarsland was a cleanly played match, with nobody on either team picking up a card.

The Wanderers road doesn’t get any easier as they travel to 42nd ranked Geisenfried before playing their home opener against 153rd ranked Alversia, who’s last in Group 3 play. It is very believable that the Wanderers could be 2-0-2 when they travel to 9th ranked Sel Appa, the top seed in the group.


Hopeless SC 2 Milton (42), Anderson (68)
Mallatarsland 1 (29)


Cards: none


Wanderers Scorers:

Wally Milton-1
John Anderson-1

Norman Hacker was confident as he came out of the hearing into the Wentland-Nire & Nire match. "Obviously," he said to a passing tramp, "they will decide force majeure, and allow me to change the squad, and pick a buch of men as God intended."

He was a little disconcerted to find that the World Cup committee decided that, not only was there no force majeure, all of the sent off players - eight of them - would be suspended for the match with Bostopia.

"No matter," he thought. "Just let the reserves play and get slaughtered. Nobody will blame me for being in charge of such a bunch of losers. In fact, I think I will not bother with watching the game, and instead will scout out the Wombat-Prux game."

***

"What the hell is going on? Is this some sort of joke?"

"No, Mr Hacker...they really do have a pie playing for them..."

"No, not that. This score that's just flashed up on the electronic wire..."

Wentland 2-1 Bostopia

"Something must have gone very, very wrong..."

"Not really, Mr Hacker. From what I understand a young lady called Barnfield scored twice in the first ten minutes, and a stalwart defensive action kept the opposition down to one. We can show you the highlights in the Executive Box if you'd like..."

"No, I DON'T like. What the HELL were they playing at? Bloody Bostopia, fancy not being able to beat girls..."

Kyle Anderson, still ecstatic in the hours after the win over Uiri, clutched the phone to his ear.

"...and then the ball came to me and it just flowed out of me, you know? All the training and everything, it was just unconscious but I knew I'd hit it perfectly and it went arcing over the goalie into the top corner of the net. It was so indescribably beautiful... the crowd started cheering and all my teammates came for a big group hug; I've never felt so alive before. And we won, in the end, it was just so brilliant!... Mum??... MUM?! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!??"

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU
(for the first time in a while)

WORLD CUP TONIGHT

With Fr. Nicholas the Scribe and Fr. John the Golden Throated

"So, Fr. John.... Spaam."

"Ah! A fresh opportunity for total and utter humiliation this one, Fr. Nicholas, and I expect that the lads will be looking to lose by as many as possible. Granted the visitors aren't the force they used to be, but imagine losing at home to a team that only just re-entered international competition via the most recent Baptism of Fire..."

"Soul-strengthening suffering indeed, Fr. John! And with the pre-match liturgy coming to a close, let's go straight to the action..."

10th minute
"...another Spaam shot whistles past the post, just missing the goal of a compeltely oblivious Fr. George. And the home crowd look disappointed, Fr. Nicholas."

"As well they might be, Fr. John. By this stage of the last match, Bettia had already scored two, but the complete inability of the Spaamanian forwards to shoot on target is keeping this match worrying close."

"...and... it's all action back on the pitch as a visiting forward trips over Fr. Feodor's crutches... but the referee refuses to grant an edge of the area free-kick. Terrible decision, and Fr. Fedor is contritely begging his opponent for forgiveness, as well he might..."

18th minute
"...yet another misguided decision by the referee sees a foul granted against Spaam for a foul on Fr. Pavel."

"Another sinfully bad call, Fr. John. Fr. Pavel's so desperately unfit that he was clearly incapable of reaching that uncommonly accurate pass from Fr. Pyotr - yet the ref's called a foul anyway. With the visitors still unable to score, the crowd are getting restless, concerned that we might salvage an unwelcome point..."

"As well they might, Fr. Nicholas, for Fr. Serginho has taken it upon himself to shoot on target! AND HE SCORES! The crowd roar their disapproval as the Archregimancy take an unwelcome and totally unnecessary lead!"

"What was Fr. Serginho thinking? The Holy Fool makes a total ass of himself (in the donkey sense) by suddenly remembering he can play at the worst possible moment..."

halftime
"Unbelievable, Fr. John..."

"I'll say, Fr. Nicholas. This Spaam side have been simply dreadful. Despite having 60% of the possession, despite outshooting us 34-1, despite Fr. George's best efforts to not save the ball, despite Fr. Fulvianius being distracted by a particularly tasty patch of grass near the right sideline, and despite Fr. Demetrius collapsing from alcohol poisoning in the 26th minute, the Archregimancy lead 1-0."

"It's a disaster, Fr. John. This should be an easy three points lost - I don't see how the lads will be able to face their confessors tomorrow if they can't find a way to lose this one."

49th minute
".....Fr. Hypatius attempts a risky back-pass to his own goalkeeper, and... PRAISE BE TO GOD! The ball's in the net! A farcical own-goal leads to..."

"I'm sorry, Fr. John... but it looks like the goal's been disallowed!"

"What on earth for?"

"Erm.... offside, I think."

"But it can't be offside, Fr. Nicholas. Fr. Hypatius put the ball in his own net. That makes it impossible for any Spaam player to be offside..."

"Nonetheless, offside it is, Fr. John, in the latest of a string of farcically poor decisions by an officiating team who simply don't seem to know the laws of the game..."

69th minute
"...and while the monks are by now refusing to even try, the Spaam squad seem so confused by the total lack of opposition they're facing today."

"Yes, I really do wish they'd stop being so solicitous of our back four. I know they're all cripples, but that doesn't mean the opposition have to look so nervous playing against them."

"That's right, Fr. Nicholas. The back four are men of God, toughened up by the rigours of the ascetic life. They don't need any favours from an opposing forward line who seem too nervous about causing offence to a cripple to shoot on target."

"Disgusting, Fr. John."

"An unwelcome and patronising attitude towards men who are healthy in spirit though crippled in body, Fr. Nicholas..."

Final Whistle
"...and after that glorious 8-1 loss to Bettia, total disaster here at Borisoglebsky as the Archregimancy somehow fail to lose by a 1-0 scoreline against a Spaam squad too bewildered by the experience to score."

"There'll be a lot of questions asked in the Archregimancy dressing room after this result, Fr. John. I imagine there'll be some particularly harsh penitence to pay tonight - Fr. Fulvianius might even be forced to eat meat."

"Ouch. That would be serious. But in the meantime, there is one small consolation."

"What's that, Fr. John?"

"Our goal difference after the Bettia match - one win later and we're still third from bottom...."

(ooc - Bettia may be the only person who really appreciates this, but I couldn't resist.... There's some terrible grammar in the second line of the final stanza as well, but, well, who's going to notice? At least I came up with a grammatically correct plural for 'ninja' ;))


Following the Holy Empire's Welsh Ninja Warrior XI's excellent 2-0 victory over the Golden Wolves of Yafor 2, everyone involved in World Cup 38 is asking what the words are to the fantastic 11-part harmony anthem the Imperial squad are singing before the match. And if they aren't, they soon will be.

It's called 'Land of our Ninjas', and goes like this!

Hen Wlad Fy Ninjau

Mae hen wlad fy ninjau yn annwyl i mi,
Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri;
Ei gwrol ninjau, gwladgarwyr tra mâd,
Dros ryddid collasant eu gwaed.

Ninja, ninja, pleidiol wyf i'm gwlad.
Tra môr yn fur i'r bur hoff bau,
O bydded i'r hen ninjau barhau.

Hen Gymru fynyddig, paradwys y ninja,
Pob dyffryn, pob clogwyn, i'm golwg sydd hardd;
Trwy deimlad gwladgarol, mor swynol yw si
Ei nentydd, afonydd, i mi.

Os treisiodd y gelyn fy ngwlad tan ei droed,
Mae hen ninjau y Cymru mor fyw ag erioed,
Ni luddiwyd yr ninja gan erchyll law brad,
Na thelyn berseiniol fy ngwlad.


Which, translated, reads:

The old land of my ninjas is dear to me,
Land of poets and singers, famous men of renown;
Her brave ninjas, very splendid patriots,
For freedom shed their blood.

Ninja, Ninja, I am true to my Nation.
While the sea [is] a wall to the pure, most loved land,
O may the old ninjas endure.

Old mountainous Wales, paradise of the ninja,
Every valley, every cliff, to me is beautiful.
Through patriotic feeling, so charming is the murmur
Of her brooks, rivers, to me.

If the enemy oppresses my land under his foot,
The old ninjas of Wales are as alive as ever.
The ninja is not hindered by the hideous hand of treason,
Nor [is] the melodious harp of my country.

"Well, dear, I've sent off the roster. You really should have sent that off a couple of months ago."

"Yes, mum."

"Alright so, who did we play today, Andy."

"Mum, no one calls me that anymore. If you must use a name, call me Andrew, or Mr. Coulter. You know this is fairly formal."

"Oh, pish posh, When can't a mother call her son by his name."

"So, Andy, Who are the team that we're facing?"

"We're facing Krytenia."

"Ooo, so this will be a hard match then."

"Uh, no mum. It's been a while since they've been in international football, They've lost all their experienced players and coaches. They're practically a totally new team."

"Can't be the Aces were so good. I remember when I was a little girl, I was madly in love with one of their forwards. Oh, I can't remember his name but, oh, he was so dreamy."

"Mum, here. Look at this, it's the latest KPB rankings after the recent Baptism of Fire at Miceland."

"But Krytenia isn't even on it."

"Exactly, they have no KPB ranking. They have not been in the last 3 previous world cups."

"Alright, so what was the score that your Bazitopes got."

"Bazalopes mum, and it was 5-0, we won."

"Oh, good, so hows the qualifiying going?"

"Well, good. Though we have only played against the poorer teams. There's still a long way to go."

"Uh, mum"

"Yes dear."

"Do you have the payment slips for the team, I can't find them."

"Uh, no... I don't think so.... no I certainly don't."

"Crap."

"Andrew Johnson Coulter."

"Sorry, mum... but..."

The next day

"Soccer Strike!" was the headline in many newspapers around the nation. The nations soccer players, the nations soccer players refused to participate in the World Cup Qualification until the pay situation was resolved. The Irony was that just as the Roster was released it was now out of date.

Two games in SN top group.

Remember the day for two games in, with a depleted squad and Sorthern Northland top their World Cup Qualification table. SNFA officials have tried desperatly to convince the organisers to keep the qualification to just two games, but as yet they have refused our reasonable demands. To keep up the great start the SNFA have invested heavily to rubber chickens to sacrifice to the mysterious Margaret, whilst the government has made here the patron saint of SN in a bid to keep her appleased.

The latest game saw the Sortherners visit St Samuel for a tough game against St Samuel. The previous time the two sides met the game ended in a one all draw and it seemed likly that the game would again finnish in a draw with the score at two all with just five minutes gone. The returning Jing Mao scored early on to put the visitors ahead, but Enzo Mazzeranni scored soon after for the home team and Maxi Bezzi-Louaza put the home team in front just before the break, although Korea China went straight up the other end to net his third in two games and put the score at two all at half time.

In the second half the game tightend up a lot with chances hard to come by for both teams, but in a desperate move just before the end of the game Sorthern Northland replaced Corneal Corneal with Neuville Senna and put three men up front. Amazingly this plan worked as Senna scored twice in the final five minutes to win the game for SN. The first goal came from an inswinging Mark Tuguy corner which hit Senna on the back and bounced into the net of the post. The second goal came a minute later when Senna who seemed to think he was playing for St Samuel sliced an attempted clearence from their box into the goal.

Rather amazingly Senna now has four goals in this campaign, whether or not he can keep this form up is debatable but he is certainly in contentation for a place in the line up for the game against Demot in Castrograd. World Cup runners up Demot will certainly be faverites but with them starting the campaign with two draws and Sorthern Northland sitting pretty at the top despite have a depleted squad, which will be back to full strength for the game against Demot will certainly fancy their chances and following nine goals in two games who can blame them.

"Damn, where is this thing. I'm getting no magical readings, he didn't use magic to send them anywhere, but if he hid it here. Where?"

Said a mouse in Tander HoleMouse's home, he was one of the mice that spoke in the conference room before but. All the clues that he had just lead him no where. And he had no idea what he should do to get it.

In the end he just ended up frustrated and punched something in the living room, to his surpised he saw something stuck on the bottom of the item. It was a note.

"Sometimes low-tech is the best-tech."

He looked over the note as his mousey brain ticked over analysing the new information. And he had it, of course, how could I be stupid. It's so obvious that we all just overlooked it. Hey must have mailed it somewhere.

However to his surprise, he found another mouse was in the house.

"Oh.. It's you. You scared, I thought it was... you know who."

"It is." the voice was dark and weird, a cold wind blew through the house, it was as if death himself had spoken.

"I was wondering how you knew about Tander..."

"Heh, pity you won't be able to tell anyone."

"I just want to know one thing."

"Hehe, alright, I'll humour your request."

"Why?"

"Why did I kill Tander? or why have I choosen the real path? Well either way, I was always restricted and my true abilities where always mocked and diminished when I was with you. I have freed nmyself from these pesky Morales. I will be the ultimate power and you are not going to stop my plans."

"We'll see about that, and you will be stoped."

"By you? hahaha. I grow tired of this."

"Before you do. I want to show you something..... well, more accurately. Listen."

A moment later the mouse's confession was being replayed.

"It's being broadcast to all the others, and you cannot stop all of it."

"Heh, too little too late, your little friends cannot stop me now. I will find it and I will use it's power to make myself more powerful than you can imagine. I'll see you later."

and with that the mouse dissappeared, but moments later the house was full of mice all wandering where their ex-colleague had gone wrong.

Are Top ten for this week
#10 The soccer team beat kansiov 1-0
#9 Zeke go an assist
#8 Peter scrachs Article about the first game
#7 Taeshan baseball getting third in the wbc
#6 Taeshan air force academy wins the ncaa tourney
#5 The rugby teams entering the cup again(we won 1 game)
#4 #5 Is really funny
#3 We havent lost in the cup yet
#2 Football in taeshan rocks
#1 are american football team on the championships

OOC: Disclaimer - Please note that being Northern Bettian, this news report is written from a highly biased point of view, and therefore not all facts stated may strictly be accurate.

The Anyuna Observer: give us all your money
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/nbet-badge.gif
Oliverrians Fall Under Fire Ants' Spell

Northern Bettia.......................3 (Sonata 18, Shinobu 35, Chobi 87)
Oliverry.......................................2 (Monjeau 43, Roy 66 pen)

The Fire Ants are firey at the best of times as we all know, but when a team which had dished out a 1-0 beating in the previous World Cup comes to town, that little extra bit of spice is added to the mixture... or in this case, a bucketful of habañero peppers. Straight from the kickoff, it was obvious what Northern Bettia's gameplan was - play their opponents off the pitch without bothering the referee - and a damn fine gameplan it was too with firm but fair late tackles aplenty flying in, although the visiting soft pansies didn't see it that way and spent most of the game whining to the ref like little babies.

After such a tremendous opening, the home team understandably had the upper hand over their shell-shocked opponents and they soon made that advantage count when the babelicious Naru Sonata jiggled her way through a static defence to slot home the opening goal. The enterprising play continued, making a mockery of the visitors' supposedly higher world ranking. Shot after shot came raining in on the Oliverrian goal whilst the away team were restricted to one or two hopeful punts after they somehow broke through the magnificent Fire Ants midfield, superbly marshalled by captain Stu Kaolla.

The Fire Ants advantage was doubled after 35 minutes when Dan Shinobu rose up highest in a crowded goal area to nod in his third goal of the campaign, despite some pathetic protests by the Oliverrian defenders who complained of being elbowed and held down, and that Shinobu had illegally used a hand in guiding the ball home. Although some highly dubious (and probably fake) TV replays seemed to show this to be true, the goal stood and Northern Bettia were sitting pretty.

And then... disaster. Oliverry gained a free kick in a dangerous position after Augustin Thérriault took a ridiculous dive just outside the penalty area, hoping to gain an advantage after being fairly tackled by Ryan Kemys and Bobby Maehara. After a couple of minutes treatment for an imaginary injury to his leg accomanied by a chorus of boos by the rightfully-indignant home supporters who showed their displeasure in the traditional Northern Bettian manner of throwing things onto the pitch, the set-piece was finally taken and Denis Monjeau curled the ball around the defensive wall, which was obviously impeded by opposition players unsportingly standing in front of it.

And so the scoreline remained 2-1 going into the half-time break. Into the second half, Oliverry were looking suspiciously full of confidence. Their attacking play coupled with the referee's repeated refusal to give blatant free-kicks to Northern Bettia (for which a number of players were unfairly booked for 'diving') meant that the visitors were gaining the upper hand, and they soon made that upper hand count when they equalised.

Yves Monty was put through on goal from an obvious offside position (the linesman stated that he was at least a yard behind the defender) only to be dispossed by a fine tackle from Gerry Ibaraki in the 18-yard box. However, Monty went down as though he had been poleaxed and the clearly corrupt referee awarded the penalty. To compound his folly, he proceeded to send Ibaraki off for a supposed professional foul. To rub salt into the wound, Benoît Roy confidently belted the ball home to put Oliverry on level terms.

Having surrendered a two-goal lead, and being forced to play against inept officials and a one-man disadvantage, it seemed that the Fire Ants would need a miracle to win this vital game. That miracle came straight out of the blue with just three minutes remaining. An exquisite pass played through the legs of Gustave Nicol put substitute striker Lee Chobi through on goal with just goalkeeper Bolduc to beat. Just as Chobi was shaping up to shoot, Bolduc inexplicably tucked his arms up by his sides and started bobbing his head up and down, all the while clucking like a chicken. As he scratched the ground with his foot in an effort to look for some food, Chobi sidefooted home what would probably be the easiest open goal of his career. Some afterwards, Bolduc regained his senses and played normally, but by then the damage had been done.

Accusations that their voodoo witch doctor / assistant manager Baron Vendredi had a hand in this extrordinary turn of events were swiftly dismissed out of hand by team manager Iwan Obani. "We don't need to cheat to win. It's preposterous. Sour grapes, that's what it is!" he told The Observer after the game.

Newly crowned Baptism of Fire champs The Pazhujeb Islands are next to visit Sakura Park. Although a certain amount of respect is always given to fellow cup winners, the Fire Ants are charged up after this glorious and fair victory and with their faithful and loyal supporters behind them, they'll be tough to beat on this form as they march onwards to winning the World Cup!




Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT...............VENUE...RESULT

Qualifying Group 4

01: Bergelland.............Away....W 3-1
02: Oliverry...............HOME....W 3-2
03: The Pazhujeb Islands...HOME....
04: Sorthern Northland.....HOME....
05: Demot..................Away....
06: St Samuel..............Away....
07: Bumiroar...............Away....
08: Bergelland.............HOME....
09: Oliverry...............Away....
10: The Pazhujeb Islands...Away....
11: Sorthern Northland.....Away....
12: Demot..................HOME....
13: St Samuel..............HOME....
14: Bumiroar...............HOME....

Field Marshal Denfeld was beside himself with rage, after seeing Bostopia lose two – one.

“We lost! To a bunch of girls!” He raged, then wiping the spit out of his moustache.

The other four men with him merely shook their heads, not daring to remind him Wentland were ranked higher than Bostopia for a reason.

“Girls, I tell you! How dare that bloody Hacker play a bunch of GIRLS against us! He was out looking to humiliate us!”

Denfeld kicked a bin in disgust, only to find it was fixed to the floor.

“OW! Damnit! That's Hacker's fault too!”

Still walking up the street, buildings towering either side of them, Jeffreys noticed a logo he had seen earlier on the Wentland kits.

“Sarh, thayrs tha hadquatters oftha Wehntlahnd eff ayy!”

Denfeld's head turned, glaring at the building on his right.

“HALT!” He yelled, not noticing the others had stopped anyway. “Which do you think is Hacker's office?” he pondered, eyeing up the windows as he spoke.

“No idea, sir.”

“Well...” Denfeld said, pulling an egg out of his pocket. “Let's see if I can get lucky.”

Denfeld lobbed the egg, watching it fly through an open window, probably splattering on impact with something in that room.

“HOI!” was the shout which came from a security officer, now running out of the offices of Wentland's FA.

“JIMMIE DAE WAN, BRUVH!”

Denfeld and Higgins, understanding Jeffreys, begin to run like crazy, with Nayford and Reane running alongside. They didn't need a translation this time.

“Sir, do we have an embassy here?” Nayford asked, his boots clattering across the floor as he shouted.

“No! But I have a plan!”

The five of them headed back toward the stadium, and coming up to a road, Denfeld put his hand up, stopping a coach which was just pulling out.

The door of the coach opened, and Denfeld clambered on-board, while a naked woman looking at him like he was crazy suddenly stood up out of one of the seats.

He shoved his identity badge in the drivers face.

“Field Marshal Denfeld, Emperor's Own Regiment, Armed Forces of Bostopia. You're letting us on this coach and driving us to the airport, understand?”

“Look, Field Marshal,” a female voice started, “I don't appreciate you commandeering a coach owned by the Bostopian FA!”

“Well, that's too bad, Miss Firth...” Denfeld started.

The four men who had just bundled their way onto the coach found their heads turning toward Kelly Firth, in her usual state of complete undress.

“...but you have to understand,” Denfeld continued, “we're being chased. So if you wouldn't mind, we'd like to sit down so your driver can continue on his way.”

Kelly frowned, she'd heard about the antics of the E.O.R..

“Fine, there are plenty of spare tracksuits at the back of coach. I suspect you'll be flying out with us too.”

“Naturally. Come on then boys, get back there and get changed.”

Of course, being the true Troopers they were, each had to greet Kelly.

“Hello Miss Firth.”

“Alreet lass?”

Reane mearly nodded his head and smiled.

“Hiya Kelly! Can I have your autograph...for my um...my son.?”

“Higgins, get back here!” Yelled Denfeld.

“Perhaps later.” She told Higgins, who was making his way to the back of the coach.

---The plane back to Bostopia---

“Well old chap, that was a bit close, wouldn't you say so?”

“Yes sir, especially when that security officer came on looking for us.”

“Who's office do you think you hit sir?”

“I've no idea, but I'm sure the BFA or the Armed Forces will get the bill.”

What the Papers Say

The Candelariasian press are generally in an uncharacteristically buoyant mood following the C&M national football team’s 3-0 cruise past Magnus Valerius. Back-to-back-victories mean that C&M are undefeated in ninety minutes in eight straight games and, according to the Albrecht Herald, are sure to win back any fans that deserted them following the at-times-flaccid performances of the last Cup of Harmony.

The Big Blues’ lack of cool on the penalty spot is still a matter for criticism; Ignacio Vélez becoming the latest player to sky the ball high of the bar on the first opportunity to make it three against the Boyars. The Albrecht Mercury, always one to stir things a bit between the former managers of the capital city’s two big clubs, drew unfavourable comparisons once again between Mark Baker’s senior team’s poor record from the twelve-yard line and the relative ease of which Lloyd Donnelly’s Di Bradini Cup-winning Under-21s have emerged victorious from their innumerable shoot-outs.

This grumble aside, most papers struggled (though they certainly tried) to find fault with the C&M performance. Certainly the efforts of George Ilyanich’s young team were seen to represent something of a damp squib on their return after many years’ absence. With Albrecht hosting its first game of the qualifiers, the papers had tried to promote a carnival atmosphere of sorts; as well as showing as most hospitality to the visitors as possible after suggestions that certain other foreign guests had expressed concerns over the Candelariasian attitude to newcomers. The Herald went as far as printing a small supplement in Valerian for travelling Boyars supporters; featuring legal and cultural Dos and Don’ts, an extensive if slightly desperate tourist guide and some helpful, if ever-so-slightly patronising hints of surviving a weekend in the Candelarias (“Be nice to taxi drivers, don’t feed the capybaras, watch locals carefully several times before attempting to negotiate the swing doors on many public buildings…”).

The Mercury and El Periodico del Arrigo attempted to follow the example of the much-admired media of Ariddia, Errinundera and elsewhere in finding an ethnic Valerian to parade as a shining example of the multicultural reality of modern C&M; but could only find one Nicky Lukavac, a corporate implementation manager from Rose of Sharon who thought his granddad might have been born in Romanovna State. Turned out granda was from Bognor Regis, England, but that was close enough for the Mercury who sent Lukavac to the game all VIP’d up.

The match itself was, according to Simeon Barness in the Herald, “an irreproachable paradigm for the Candelariasian subdual, for which the subsequent epinician ode from the Millerman’s assemblage was justly deserv’d.” Most other columnists agreed (probably) that this was a fine display of C&M’s own brand of competent, controlling football.

As the newcomer to the side; midfielder Matteo Corradini was feted by the Albrecht Daily News and the Bove National Reporter for his high-energy input into the C&M midfield, as well as his performance playing in an unaccustomed role on the left during the second half after Jos Cornelisse’s tweaked hamstring. Most also applauded Baker’s tactics, though a slightly snide Mercury pointed out that the manager had “little provocation to change things from the last game given that the Valerian Boyars were set up with four up front, with a formation not at all dissimilar to that of the Capitalizt side the Big Blues had so sensationally wiped aside in Otário”. Never the less, Corradini was well praised for the opening move that but C&M 1-0 up just seven minutes into the game; a clever ball from Ben Head bypassing Levon Andreyevich to a willing Corradini who avoided two challenges to storm into the box and unleash a fine shot to Dimitri Shchilinov, Ignacio Vélez cleaning up on the rebound.

Though the Magnus Valerian team performance never looked likely to worry the C&M back-line (according to the Herald); warm words were none the less reserved for several Boyar players including the defender Pavlos Demetriopoulos, goalkeeper Schilinov and the striker Maximilian von Hohenstauffen who forced Oberon Martinez into several second-half saves. The Mercury and the Khatib Candelariasian both suggested that a number of CMSC scouts were in the crowd to watch the young visitors, with many clubs still interested in bolstering the foreign contingent in their squads.

Any hopes the side in red still had were effectively dashed shortly before half-time when Vélez, surrounded by three eager Valerian defenders, forced a corner off Étienne de Roviere. O’Sullivan Caras’ ball in was either wayward (the Herald) or pitch-perfect (the Daily News) but either well it came to right-back Walter Jordan at the near-post who got up beyond Ivan Afinagorov to head home his first C&M goal.

C&M played a professional second half, but Baker was clearly concerned enough over the apparent lack of impetus to send on three substitutes. He was widely praised for showing faith in Stuart Vidakovic, the striker out of form for Green Island, who promptly scored with more-or-less his first touch from a smart one-two with Caras. Not all papers were so keen on that decision however; Mac Allister Martinovic in the Daily News, in an article headed “What’s so bad about two-nil?” accused Baker of “rubbing it in” by shaking the team up in order to snatch another goal to put the game beyond Magnus Valerius. “Why do the likes of Baker consistently feel the need to put a gloss on footer scorelines to suggest that the C&M team are better than they truly are?” Martinovic opined. “A comfortable, competent two-nil is more than good enough for anybody. This is just showing off, and hardly the behaviour we demand of a Candelariasian representative team.”

Despite the widespread pleasure over the team’s recent results, there remains significant cause for concern expressed in most papers. All report on the continued deadlock between the government and the Association of Police Officers that appears ever closer to result in unauthorized strike action by up to fifty per cent of the islands’ police forces. The row is long-standing and multifaceted but was sparked off in particularly serious form last week after the murder of two on-duty officers, PC Leon Roberto and PC Destiny Martín, in an El din shanty town. Such ‘cop killings’ are highly unusual in the Candelarias but have further served to heighten police fears over working conditions.

The fear remains that the strike, if declared within the month, would make C&M’s key qualifier with Zemyzha Myzhent untenable. The clash with Kiryu-shi would likely come before any such action, while the planned friendly with Zwangzug would also be safe since the police services on the semi-autonomous Green Island, where the match is due to take place, have consistently rejected the opportunity to take industrial action in the past. Domestic league fixtures would also go ahead as normal, since individual clubs are, unlike the national association, able to provide their own stewarding. Certain domestic games remain considered high-risk however, after uncharacteristic rioting outside the Millerman Sheppard Stadium following the derby match between Albrecht FC and Albrecht Turkish; as well as in the City of Bove Stadium to the north that same weekend.

Baker however has declined to comment on these future issues, preferring to focus on the Kiryu-shi clash. To that end he has already confirmed his team, which will see Zachary Pinkowski replace the injured Cornelisse on the left and Lorenzo De Wilde retains his place at left-back despite Doug Szczechowicz’ return from suspension.

From the Rushmore Sports Daily’s Brian Kennedy Column

"Mr. Evans, thanks for agreeing to give me this interview. I understand your utter dislike for crappy reality television programming, and, after watching over the first episode myself, found it horribly disgusting that I could even have hosted that," Davey Thomson began, speaking personally to Luke Evans after Ad'ihan's 1-0 away win in Casari.

Evans just nodded, gesturing at Thomson to continue speaking while he went about packing his bags in the hotel for the trip home - or to Liverpool England. "So I'd like to say I fully understand where you were coming from after you yelled at me over the phone the other week."

"Get to your questions, Davey, please."

"Right, right. The latest news is that Ad'ihan's home qualifier against Squornshelous on Matchday Three has been confirmed to be taking place in Orean at Grovers Park, rather than in the Protectorate, due to the current security concerns. Any thoughts on how it would affect your preparations for the big game?"

Evans stopped folding his shirts and looked up. "If we're playing in Orean the only difference is a less partisan crowd. Maybe Squornshelous would get more fans into the stadium then they would at the Protectorate Stadium, but we still have the upper hand; my players still treat this as a home tie, and for all intents and purposes - both on the pitch and off it, officially - it is a home tie. Anything else?"

Thomson scribbled something down in his notepad then nodded. "Good win today over Casari, 1-0."

"Delighted. Great goal, too, from Laurénzo [Argent]. Chuffed. One-word superlatives aside I think it's a great boost for the lads to start with two wins, with our more difficult matches against Squornshelous and Bettia coming up. Bettia already have two 8-1 wins, so we have to watch out. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have a flight to Orean to make."

Match schedule and venues
FR1…………KURA-PELLAND…………………AWAY...ROFLCOPTRE DOME………W 3-1
MD1…………VIKINGHOLM………………………PROTECTORATE STADIUM……………W 4-0
MD2…………CASARI…………………………………AWAY………………………………………………………W 1-0
MD3…………SQUORNSHELOUS………………GROVERS PARK, OREAN
FR2…………YAFOR 2………………………………AWAY
MD4…………BETTIA…………………………………AWAY
MD5…………SPAAM……………………………………AWAY
MD6…………THE ARCHREGIMANCY……GROVERS PARK*
MD7…………TUAIM……………………………………AWAY
MD8…………VIKINGHOLM………………………AWAY
MD9…………CASARI…………………………………GROVERS PARK*
FR3
MD10………SQUORNSHELOUS………………AWAY
MD11………BETTIA…………………………………GROVERS PARK*
MD12………SPAAM……………………………………GROVERS PARK*
MD13………THE ARCHREGIMANCY……AWAY
MD14………TUAIM……………………………………GROVERS PARK*
FR4

*TENTATIVE VENUE

Amda-Mo: How you like them apples? The Gnomes live up to their championship billing with a 7-0 crushing of Randovium.

Lur-Mn: And whats more is that Rahim really called off the dogs at halftime, with Youn Ji-Hyun finding the only two goals after the break on quick counterattacks. Seoula and El-Iot are both really cruising.

Amda-Mo: Lets talk about that. What is it that makes those two so successful as a partnership?

Lur-Mn: A lot of things really. The first is that they they are both infatiguable. Their motors never stop running. One striker like that pressures a defense. Two drives them crazy. And both are incredibly technically gifted. And their physicalities correspond well, with El-Iot providing the speed and Seoula the size. Just a great combo, as we've seen in our dominant play since they've joined up.

Amda-Mo: We earned our first shut out in a long time today. How did that happen?

Lur-Mn: Well the front seven just owned possession in the first half. Haz-Tp was only seriously challenged once in the first half. Technically there was a second shot on goal but it was a very easy play. And in the second half we just held the ball in our own field of play. So it was done in large part thanks to the inability of Randovium to do anything. While it was a nice performance it doesn't necessarily mean our defense is playing well.

Amda-Mo: Ok. Anything else to add?

Lur-Mn: Just that I'm surprised by the level of comfort the players are showing on the pitch. That's really a testament to the coaching skill of coach Rahim. They've taken up his system readily and our putting it to good use.

Amda-Mo: Thoughts on the rest of the group or qualifiers as a whole?

Lur-Mn: Nothing too interesting from our group. Turori is looking good and us and Qazox are winning as well so that's pretty normal. The Elves throttling of Quakmybush was pretty impressive in one of the first big showdowns between top teams.

Amda-Mo: Now looking ahead to qualifier number three tell us what's in store for us.

Lur-Mn: We travel to face the Jeru FC. The scouting report on the squad says that they're physically in good condition but that their mental state and football skills aren't that good. So they can battle like they did against Qazox in the recent match, but generally don't have the talent to expect to compete with us. We should win another easy one I think.

Amda-Mo: One can hope so. Now let's find out if our win was enough to keep us on top.

Lur-Mn:

6. Sel Appa

The turtles have beaten two solid squads in Daehanjeiguk and Dance 2 Revolution. None of the murders the teams ahead of them have had, but the opponents level is good.

5. Cafundeu

As opposed to Cafundeu, who's put up two four goal wins against lesser opponents. But what gets Cafundeu into the top five is the fact they've don that without allowing a goal. Nice defensive start.

4. Candelaria & Marquez

While we're not pleased to admit it, winning in Commerce Heights and then coming home to sweep Magnus Valerius away 3-0 is very strong. We'll be rooting for them to lose, but for the time being they do actually deserve this spot.

3. Bettia

A second 8-1 victory. Good lord. These kids are something else. Bettia has no business dominating they way they are. But yet there's not a big reason to think they'll be stopped any time soon.

2. Elves Security Forces

6-1 over the sharks really means something. The elves have a strong claim to best team without a tiltle status and are looking to secure a quick spot in the finals to give themselves a shot at removing that proviso.

1. Az-cz

12 goals in two games? The new formation is working just like Rahim drew it up. We knew we'd have incoming talent but they seem to be living up to the status of the old team. So I see no reason to move anyone past us.

Amda-Mo: Looks like we're unlikely to give theat spot up outside of the game against Qazox.

Lur-Mn: Agreed. But if the Elves play like they did against Quakmybush they might take it from us.

Amda-Mo: Well will find out more next time against Jeru FC. See you then.

Qualification Tour:
Group 3
MD1 - Daehanjeiguk(53) 1-3 (9)Sel Appa (@ Hangyeong)
MD2 - Alversia(153) 2-3 (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD3 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (33)Dance 2 Revolution (@ Hanseong)
MD4 - Mallatarsland(157) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD5 - Geisenfried(42 --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD6 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (18)Tynelia (@ Malnira)
MD7 - Hopeless SC(114) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD8 - Sel Appa(9) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk (@ Nemnenait)
MD9 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (153)Alversia (@ Sanghae)
MD10 - Dance 2 Revolution(33) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD11 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (157)Mallatarsland (@ Gwangdong)
MD12 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (42)Geisenfried (@ Pyeongyang)
MD13 - Tynelia(18) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD14 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (114)Hopeless SC (@ Hangyeong)



After the game:

Choe walked out of the stadium in Alversia, somewhat thrilled to have watched the game; Sang wasn't too far away.

"Well, I'm glad that I came. It was about to be one of those bad days, with the Alversians scoring both goals in the final minutes of the match, but then the Imperial Team scored three successive goals off the next three kick-offs, that last one by Jeong Jihun scored from the midfield! That was an intense match."

Sang nodded. "There is charitable spirit here, but let us not forget that the ROAR still seek you dead."

"Well, we're not home anymore, are we?"

"That doesn't stop ROAR. If you didn't have a home, they would still hunt you until you got a home."

"Wouldn't they just try to kill me?"

"No, it's against their mantra to kill homeless people."

Choe started to get some ideas. "If I sold my home, I would be homeless..."

"They'd help you buy a new one, too."

"What is this organization? Some sort of real estate agency?"

"Don't you know?" Sang said, almost shocked. "Realtors are ROAR. That's what is stands for! Realtors Overcoming Advanced Ruin."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Choe said, gazing awkwardly at Sang now. "I thought it was Rancorous Order Against Rapists."

Sang bowed his head. "ROAR takes many meanings. They are also the Realists Opposed to Ambiguous Reality and the Rastafarians Overstanding Anonymous Rituals. But most important, they are realtors."

Choe shook his head in confusion. "Every f%$#ing day, this thing just gets weirder. Isn't there something that can make it stop?"

Sang thought about that, but answered solemnly, "You could try hiring the Lawyers Overexpressing Legality, but they would just complicate the issue."

Choe sulked at that, half-way wanting to kill himself and end the misery, but granted, he knew that Sang would stop him from doing that, somehow. But as they continued to walk out of the stadium, in an instant, a giant robot shot from out of the ground and towered over Sang and Choe. Written on the foot of the monstrous robot in bold letters was "ROAR" - an obvious sign to all.

http://www.somethingcreative.ca/archives/bigrobo.jpg

"I should have known," Sang said. "It's Chickachickabangbang!"

"What?" Choe said. "Chicka what what?"

"Chickachickabangbang. He's an evil realtor from San Fransisco who sports giant robots from Japan."

"Why's he called that?"

Just then, the giant arms of the robot turned and aimed over toward them. Sang looked up the barrels of the giant cannon aimed at them, and at the last moment, leaped over Choe and forced him away, flying on a wispy cloud. The robot fired a giant blast of whipped cream, chipotle and malt vinegar flavored, and the screams of people rang out from the platform. Having put Choe at a safe location, Sang returned to the fray, transforming himself into an equally gigantic robot.

Chickachickabangbang repositioned his guns and fired away his frothy whipped cream at Sang's approaching robot. The cream was completely covering the city in Alversia, but Sang's robot was untouched by it all. Immediately, Sang's robot kneeled in lotus position and ejected a chair out from its knee. The chair went spiraling away from the robot and hit Chickachickabangbang's robot, forcing its to topple over and collapse. Lying down in the ooze of whipped cream, Chickachickabang's robot fell apart and yielded the man dressed in a business suit.

"Curse you, Brother Sang! That was my favorite robot!"

Sang leaped out of his robot to confront the realtor. "You cannot prevail here. I hold all of the superiority."

"Well, you might have destroyed my robot, but you will not prevail today! Behold!"

Instantly, another giant robot, formed from the fusion of a car, a trailer, a thousand bottles of beer, ten geese, and seventy-seven tubs of whipped cream (all chipotle an malt vinegar flavored), appeared. Chickachicksbangbang gave out an evil laugh as the robot crept towards them.

"Chickachickaboomboom? You brought your evil twin brother?" Sang yelled. "How could you?"

"Because I'm evil. With that, Chickachickabangbang scurried away down the frothed streets of the Alversian city, chanting a cheerful cry. Sang turned back to face the evil robot of Chickachickaboomboom. Sang leaped up to enter his robot, but Chickachickaboomboom's robot's arm caught him in midair. At that moment, the robot's mouth opened up with a loudspeaker projecting from its tongue: "BOOMBOOM!" it cried.

Sang, ignoring the "BOOMBOOM!" cry, grabbed the robot's finger and with a quick meditation, sent a fury of electrical sparks through the arm and into the control room. After a few seconds, the robot opened up and released a shower of popped popcorn, showering over the city's frothed streets. With the two robots defeated, Sang returned on his wispy cloud and picked up Choe, who was watching the whole ordeal from the top of the tower.

"Um, yeah. No one told me you knew how to fly."

"It's how I travel," Sang replied.

"Yeah. Next time, tell me that before I waste thousands of weon on a f%$#ing airplane ticket."

"Your pants are on fire."

The Entomologist
The Pazhujeb Islands' Leading Insect Study Journal

Translated from Pazhujebi to English by Tertius Shajarrayam

Murderous Praying Mantis Inspires Army Research

During a four-year-old girl's birthday party last Saturday near Rujananja, tragedy struck as a deranged and clearly rabid praying mantis ate another four-year-old. As many are aware (the story has been main-headline news), the identity of the victim has not been revealed yet, though we do know that the child was a girl. The murderous praying mantis was to be put down, but now by request of the army, it is being held in detainment in Urajbina.

When I went to visit with army representatives, they had this to say.

"As many people know, we as the army feel grossly underfunded and understaffed," says Master Srgt. Hamtaj Eviz bitterly. "If there were to be a forceful invasion of mainland Pazhujebi territory, we would be completely helpless. The navy receives unbelievably disproportionate funds when you compare to the army. And as such, we have been looking to develop new and cost-effective strategies for military warfare."

We at the Entomologist are slightly confused as to what "mainland Pazhujebi territory" is, but I digress.

"So, when we heard about this murder near Rujananja, we couldn't hesitate. It's as simple as this: if this praying mantis can take down a four-year-old girl, imagine what a flock of them could do to a fully armed Bigtopian mercenary!"

Famed entomologist Sudhir Puthurej, who is well known for his work with wonder-cockroach Edward (see article below) was brought in to discuss the possibilities.

"It is possible that these animals could be trained to fight in land warfare situations, particularly in an urban setting where in swarms they would be mistaken as pest infestations. However, the training process would be long and ardous."

The specific mantis who committed the crime was shown only briefly to this reporter, but I managed to get a good glimpse. Locked in a rather large jail cell considering the animals miniscule size, the mantis was marked with the initials WM3000 on one side in red Warhammer paint. (I was told later that this stood for the military's secret code name for the project, the apt "War Mantis 3000.")

"We plan on starting this training process immediately. It may be arduous, as Dr. Phuturej has stated, but for the sake of the national security of the Pazhujeb Islands, we believe that it is worth it," finished Srgt. Eviz.

Should citizens be interested in assisting the army in this project, they are encouraged to fill as many barrels as they can with wild praying mantises and bring them to their local army barracks. Caution is advised, however; these animals, as we saw last Saturday, can be deadly. The last thing this nation needs is one more innocent child slaughtered by a bloodthirsty praying mantis.

Mahatma Sharmi is a reporter for the extremely reputable scientific study magazine, the Entomologist. He lives with his wife in Vujrani on Xhede Island.

Demot Draw

Having returned from his international travels, Edward once again made some time in his schedule to meet with our reporter, Sudhir Bhay. The cockroach's rather small apartment in the large Xhede Island city of Bengaluru was the venue this time around, and though Mr. Bhay reported afterwards that he was pretty sure his right pinky toe was inside Edward's ice box, both men were extremely excited about their subject matter: the Pazhujeb Islands' two all draw with World Cup 37 runners up Demot.

Sudhir Bhay: Edward, what a day! That draw felt like a win to me!

Edward: I agree, Sudhir. I personally could not be happier about this. The Purple Sea Urchins get off to a terrible start in World Cup qualifying; everyone thinks they're going to get murdered against the near-champions in their first-ever home match, but look! We've pulled a draw.

SB: It's not our responsibility to give match reports, Sudhir, but let's discuss the match briefly.

E: Sure. Well, in between a million yellow cards and no first half goals, it was an interesting match. The first half, of course; nothing but midfield scraps and aggressive defending. Not too much gamesmanship, as far as I saw, but certainly some hard-nosed play.

SB: Except for Huvem Tushambanda's near-red card.

E: Yeah he lost his head. What was it, tenth minute.

SB: Tenth minute, yes.

E: Yeah, he threw his toys out the tram, as it were; thought that he should have gotten an offsides call on Demot striker Rahall Lewis in the 9th minute, but he got nothing and a minute later an unapologetic shove immediately before a free kick against Lewis got him the caution. Idiotic play, really.

SB: Luckily it was one of the few of the game for the Urchins, Ed. What about that pitch, though. That's how we love it, but Demot didn't look happy.

E: Yeah, that pitch was a tad wet because it had rained the night before, and so it was effectively an inch of mud on top of rock. Unhappy people, I'd say that Demot team were.

SB: Anyway, second half was where all the action was. Yellow cards, goals, a near fight between the managers...

E: Oh, that was just some friendly jabbing. David Masteron was getting pretty animated on the sideline, so Jaime shouted something at him, no one seems to know what, and whatever it was, apparently Masteron didn't like it. Nearly came to blows, but luckily the assistants stepped in.

SB: Lucky he wasn't tossed. But look at the yellow cards; blimey, I can't count them. Chaya Vuhumkara in the 55th, Thoril Forgedawn in the 59th, Vuharana Quridheru in the 71st, substitute Kili Knight in the 74th, substitute Khaled Vhumadara in the 79th, Cruril Songsteel in the 82nd, Lea Conner in the 86th, and Haley Corwin in the 88th. Unbelievable.

E: Most of them were ticky-tack, Sudhir, whether on us or them. Poor refereeing in my opinion, terribly inconsistent. But oh well. What I got into was the goalscoring. Demot never had the lead, Sudhir, did you ever notice that?

SB: I did.

E: Vuhumkara didn't seem to let up after his card, and normally that would worry a manager, but not when it nets you the opening goal three minutes later.

SB: Fantastic moves, eh? The kid finally showed us what he's capable of. Dribbled one, two, three defenders, and a flip-flap to open up space for a point blank shot past the keeper Orien.

E: But then Demot struck back. Veteran Edmund Vorca in the 74th drew it level. The scoreline stayed one all for a while, but then Panithaj snatched his second in as many matches when Quridheru whipped in a fantastic curling cross on the run. Snap header, boom past the keeper.

SB: Bit of a tragic end, though.

E: Yeah, we all thought we'd got the miracle win. But this is a really, really, really good team, Demot, and we got lazy with our high trap in the 87th, letting defender Julias Matai through on the right wing. Clever moves on Amutarrad, and he leveled it for the final scoreline.

SB: Still, as we said earlier, mostly dry eyes leaving the Bengaluru Velodrome, and a huge amount of pride in this city that you and I are sitting in for throwing such a great party to open up what will hopefully be a long tradition of the Pazhujeb Islands in international football.

E: Indeed.

SB: Well Edward, I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask you to look ahead.

E: Mate, it's going to be rough sailing in the next one. A tremendously skilled side in Northern Bettia. Something to be said about how sketchy their government is, I could do without the amber kits, and there are some slight (or not so slight) allegations of cheating associated with the side, but they are good- you can essentially expect anyone from anywhere even near Bettia to be enormously talented.

SB: And the away leg looms.

E: It does. Sakura Park is not an easy place to play for anyone, especially a first-time attempted qualifier like us.

SB: So who do you think emerges with points?

E: The Baptism of Fire Champions.

<heavy pause>

SB: What?!!

E: Chaya Vuhumkara hits his form and puts in the performance of his career; a hat trick in a three-two shootout.

SB: No!!! Get out of it!

E: We'll see, won't we.

SB: I can't believe it. Do you really think we can do it?

E: Yes. As good as Northern Bettia are, I feel like this is the match, if the only one, that we have a shot of winning on the road in this group stage. Instinct.

SB: Kind of like that instinct that Errinundera wouldn't qualify?

E: Shut up...

SB: Well, thanks to everyone for reading. As soon as you've recovered from Edward's ridiculous prediction, let me say that this is Sudhir Bhay, reporting for the Entomologist.

MD 01: (L, 1-5) Sorthern Northland (Away, @ Sorthern Northland)
MD 02: (D, 2-2) Demot (Home, @ Bengaluru Velodrome in Bengaluru)
MD 03: Northern Bettia (Away, @ Northern Bettia)
MD 04: Bumiroar (Home, @ Chargers' Boulder in Rujananja)
MD 05: Bergelland (Away, @ Bergelland)
MD 06: Oliverry (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 07: St. Samuel (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 08: Sorthern Northland (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 09: Demot (Away, @ Demot)
MD 10: Northern Bettia (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 11: Bumiroar (Away, @ Bumiroar)
MD 12: Bergelland (Home, @ Zhevassi Athletic Field in Zhevassi)
MD 13: Oliverry (Away, @ Oliverry)
MD 14: St. Samuel (Away, @ St. Samuel)

Ariddian Isles crushes Ulzaxid

In their first away match of the Cup, the Rouge-et-Noirs faced the unusual being from Ulzaxid, and were able to meet Chloé Dumas ( http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=13048909#post13048909), an Ariddian who is a tactical adviser for the Ulzaxid team.

“Having an Ariddian advising our opponents is going to make this all the more tricky,” coach Jane Sanderson said before the game. “We’ll have to adapt. That’s all I can really say for now.”

In the end, however, regular tactics proved sufficient, and very quickly the Rouge-et-Noirs were looking comfortable as they dominated their non-human opponents. Yuto Takahara scored the opening goal in the fourteenth minute, followed by a neatly aimed one from North-West Ariddian forward Abdel Mohamed in the twenty-fifth. By half-time, Jamilah Shahrour had given the Ariddians a 3-0 lead, and the outcome seemed inevitable.

Shahrour scored again early in the second half, before Ulzaxid finally struck back, defeating a Jarl Knudsen whose performance had been close to perfect. Two more goals, by Petras and Shahrour, sealed an impressive Ariddian victory.

“Visiting Ulzaxid was very interesting,” Shahrour said. “It’s been a memorable experience. I’ve had the opportunity to talk to people here, understand a little about the way they think, their way of life. It’s quite fascinating.”

Meanwhile, Chloé Dumas said she was disappointed by the outcome of the match. “As an Ariddian, I’m usually happy to see my side win. But not against Ulzaxid. I hope Ariddia will continue to do well, but on this end we’re going to have to work on improving our tactics.”

Two games into the competition, Jamilah Shahrour and Jarl Knudsen appear to be two of the top players on the Ariddian side. They will of course have many more matches in which to demonstrate their talent.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/ulzaxid.png Ulzaxid 1-6 Ariddian Isles http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_ariddian_isles.png

http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/TJC.jpg
History Reversed
Starblaydia get 2-1 win over Vilita

It was a long time ago when Starblaydia first played Vilita. The two most powerful sporting nations in Atlantian Oceania began a fixture almost a century ago, ninety-two years in fact, that that has brought teal and purple to dozens of high-profile scoring occasions since.

Starblaydia went to visit Vilita in their first ever senior international match, for Matchday One of World Cup 15's qualifying campaign. Jean-Paul Georges-Ringueaux's fledgling side with nary a single international appearance to their collective name, came away with a creditable 2-1 loss and a goal from their first striking superstar, Nikola "Laser" Lazerevski.

Many subsequent fixtures have produced better, more tense or higher-scoring results, such as Starblaydia's 6-1 victory in the Quarter-Finals of AOCAF3, a 1-1 draw in the nineteenth World Cup Group Stage that sent Starblaydia packing, the Finals of AOCAF 6 and 8 that gave each team a championship. Meetings on the qualification road to Starblaydia's glory in World Cup 25 with two resounding Starblaydi victories and, of course, the final Starblaydi match of World Cup 34. None of these, however, have had quite the same sense of friendship and celebration as the initial meeting.

This time, once again, Vilita were hosting Starblaydia in just their second match back in the international fold of World Cup Qualifying. Starblaydia had already come away with a creditable 1-0 loss in Ariddia, of all places, and began their second away match in succession with the now-traditional Raiigar. Most of the Vilitans appeared to find it rather comical, but that would only hype up the Starblaydi players a little more. Evident, again, by how quickly they took the lead.

Starblaydia, thanks to their war-dance, are making early goals something of a speciality of late and this was no different. Within ten minutes of play, Stefan Hinkonnen had fired the men in white and purple into the lead after a breakaway down the right flank by Mora, his eventual cross deftly headed on by Di Angelo for Hinkonnen to take on the half-volley and blast the ball beyond the Vilitan goalie. Clean, sharp and quick are become the trademarks of this side, making Marrones' coaching style somewhat different from her doggedly defensive playing days.

Ninety places above Starblaydia in the world rankings at sixteenth, Vilita were in shock at the early scoreline. There were ninety minutes of football to be played that day, and after eight of them Vilita were trailing. They simply had to get back into the match and, after a tremendous effort of will, managed to break down a highly-organised Starblaydia defence, another testament to the coaching abilities and strategic set-up of Marrones. The resolution to keep their lead, however, couldn't last out the first half as Vilita equalised with a trademark following move ten minutes from half-time that opened up a gaping hole between Panarii and the defence, leaving the the Jungle Cats enough space to waltz, tango and generally otherwise dance around Bravo, Melciori and finally Rodriguez: 1-1.

Starblaydia knew they were in a better position than they had been in the first match, the opposition weren't quite as good, they'd scored a goal and they had forty-five minutes to get things moving again and try to take a shock lead. When it came, however, it wasn't particularly shocking. Starblaydia had already gone close in the opening minutes of the second half thanks to Fullbright and Di Angelo, so when Kalia Canildo burst onto a flick from Fullbright into some empty space in the penalty area, Starblaydi commentators were screaming for the goal. It duly came as Canildo bravely put her toe in, pushing it under the body of the Vilitan keeper before quickly picking her feet up and falling over the goalie into a heap in the goalmouth. Credit to her, however, she had her eyes on the ball even as she tumbled to the grass, and she watched her shot bobble delicately into the net from just a few yards. She was quickly enveloped by congratulatory team-mates and Starblaydia had a new task: hold the line.

Attack after attack, shot after shot, the Vilitans came at Starblaydia time and time again. Every man, woman and dwarf in the Starblaydi side was immense in defence, despite requiring a little bit of help from the woodwork. They held on, by the skin of their teeth, the tips of their fingers and on a wing an a prayer. It was glorious, nerve-wrecking and, ultimately, a supreme result for the nation described now as minnows in the great ocean of football.

Well this minnow, formerly the biggest and best fish in the sea, still has teeth.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

Final score:
Vilita 1 - 2 Starblaydia
(#10 34) - (Hinkonnen 8, Canildo 55)

San Adriano loses to Scotchpinestan

The Sanadrianese have celebrated another outstanding performance in the World Cup as they lost to guests Scotchpinestan by just nil goal to one. The plucky players in green and red battled bravely through ninety minutes of almost exclusively defensive playing, and succeeded in repelling all but one of their adversaries’ attacks. Federico Pacchiano once again shone in the village nation’s goalcage, and the mostly Uhuh-Topian crowd in the Sanadrianese National Stadium did its bit in encouraging the team on.

Her Royal Highness Princess Serena has praised the team, describing their performance as “truly remarkable” and “the product of hard work, passion and dedication”. Tiny San Adriano is in the grip of football fever as they bask in their team’s (comparative) glory. With two consecutive defeats, San Adriano has sunk straight to the bottom of group 10, but to the Sanadrianese population, the players are “fantastic”.

“I honestly never thought we’d do this well,” said defender Arianna Ceccoli. “I don’t think any of us did. We’re on cloud nine. Well… Maybe cloud seven or eight. Cloud nine will be if we actually manage to pull off a draw.”

The team’s next match will be hosted by Zwangzug. Her Highness Princess Serena will attend the game, and will be in Zwangzug for an official State visit, meeting with the country’s leaders.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/san_adriano.png San Adriano 0-1 Scotchpinestan http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/scotchpinestan.png

Justinian was awoken with a monsterous clap of thunder as the team's charter plan was making its' way home another dominant victory over Quakmybush. The rest of the squad and staff were all asleep or listening to some music/watching the in flight movie. Of note, Draco Glaurang was crashed out over a very unhappy looking Durai, whose look of disgust was only matched in the complete look of contentness of the Turruth Gordurian. Constant smiled as the plane continued on through the storm and the captain announced that the turbalance should become minimal as they were almost out of the storm.

It had been a great performance for his squad out in Atlantian Oceania, with the squad laying down their dominance and desire to win a title with a six to one thrashing of the favorite to take the third qualifying spot. Such a performance can only be compared to that record setting win against Keyne Island a few tournaments ago, where the destroyed the debutants with an eleven to nil win. However, the two really were quite different results, as the Marauders were at home and Keyne Island were a brand new nation in the tournament where Quakmybush came in at the same tournament as the Marauders and are amongst the better of the second tier teams in the competition.

He reflected back on the talk him and Dwier had the week before. It seemed after a result like this, it just proved those words even more true, as the squad once again correct mistakes by themselves. Perhaps that's the mark of a great mananger he thought. You've instilled such dicipline and tactics that they squad before you can autocorrect themselves without the manager having to yell out instructions to them or give them inspirational speeches before the game and at the half. Then again, with the amount of talent Valanora has at their disposal, his job was made that more easy. But with results like these first two, he really didn't have much room to complain, and laid his head back on his pillow and quietly dipped back into the Emerald Dream.

Demot Daily ~ Skid and Skud

After two very dissapointing matches to start off the campaign, Masteron has put the sword to his squad in order to get them to start performing up to their elite status. Normally given two days off following a match, the squad will no be having only the day after the match off and will be running ten extra laps after every training session since the squad evidently doesn't feel like putting out the effort when it matters. While some may say that it is far too soon to start punishing the squad for their poor performances, people have to realize in such a short qualifying campaign, those four dropped points could very well spell doom for the squad if they continue to be upset by these lesser talented foes. The draw against the Frenchies of Oliverry are one thing, as they are an elite side, but falling victim to the Baptism of Fire champions is completely unacceptable for a squad that nearly won the title last Cup.

The really dissapointing part is that you can't point to one player or part of the squad and say that they have been playing well. As a whole, the squad really has not performed anywhere near the level that they are capable and showed last time around. If there had been some player who was performing up to standard, I'd say take the armband from Vorca and give it to them, but there hasn't. Perhaps a change in the starting eleven is due? If another result like this happens against Sorthern Northalnd, you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be some changes in store. While all other top seeds are performing as they should, we need to show that we are indeed contenders, and not pretenders who get lucky every couple of Cups.

Demot 2
Maria Hart (32, 39)

Oliverry 2
Yves Monty (28)
Benoît Roy (71)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demot 2
Edmund Vorca (74)
Julias Matai (87)

The Pazhujeb Islands 2
Chaya Vuhumkara (58)
Vuharana Quridheru (78)

Scorers
Maria Hart 2
Edmund Vorca 1
Julias Matai 1

Schedule
MD1: Demot v Oliverry 2-2
MD2: The Pazhujeb Islands v Demot 2-2
MD3: Sorthern Northland v Demot
MD4: St Samuel v Demot
MD5: Demot v Northern Bettia
MD6: Demot v Bumiroar
MD7: Bergelland v Demot
MD8: Oliverry v Demot
MD9: Demot v The Pazhujeb Islands
MD10: Demot v Sorthern Northland
MD11: Demot v St Samuel
MD12: Northern Bettia v Demot
MD13: Bumiroar v Demot
MD14: Demot v Bergelland

Article by Rich Baker

OLHO NO LANCE! YOUR SPORTS MAGAZINE!
$PECIAL $ECTION

WORLD CUP 38 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE - WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA
Written by Sílvio Ruiz, with comments from TV made by Breno Gavião

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PERFORMANCE REPETIDA, UM REPLAY DO PLACAR

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/951/flamengogq2.jpg
Supporters filled the stadium

After a good win against Merovis in the first game, it’s time to continue the road to World Cup 38. Now, Cafundéu returned home to play the game in front of the fans, which is a very good thing, of course. In the capital of the country, Cafundó do Juta, the supporters were able to see another excellent victory, by the same result, and with the same football quality. This time, one goal in the first half, the opposite situation of the first game, and some differences in the scorers too. But, in the end, what matters is that the Monopolists won again, and are in the first place in the group.

What’s more, Estresse Intenso lost both matches... that’s why we love football! We are ever ahead of them!

Changes and Absences: none.
Formation: very offensive 4-4-2, same as first game’s.
Opponent: probably some beggars, as they didn’t have players until few minutes before the game.

THE FIRST HALF: the opponent was better than the one of the first game, but this didn’t change the fate of the match. With the same offensive and effective formation, the team could easily find the breaches in the opponent’s defence. This time, the biggest chances came from individual plays. Flecha and Heitor had some chances to score after invading the area. Neto and Rato appeared well sometimes. The wings, a strong sector of the team, wasn’t well explored in the first half. And, while Cafundéu attacked, The Islands of Qutar prepared their counterattacks. The defence was able to stop most of them, but Lauro had to make a big save in the twentieth minute.

Cafundéu was better in the game, controlling the ball and having good chances, but the goal took some time to happen. And it came from another individual play. Marcelinho received the ball still in the midfield. Controlled it, dribbled an opponent and invaded the area. The goalkeeper left the goal to try to stop him, but the midfielder was faster and was able to lob the keeper to score a beautiful goal. In the end of the first half, Marcelinho did nearly the same thing, but crashed with the goalkeeper. He asked for a penalty, but the referee ignored him.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 1 (Marcelinho’s goal): “Another good job of the defensive midfielder, Anorrrrrrmal. Stopped Qutar’s counterrrrrattack. Now the ball goes to Marrrrrcelinho. He rrrrrruns, has some passing options, but continues with the ball... good drrrrrribble, now is inside the arrrrrrea, faces the keeper, touches the ball... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! The rrrrreplay is ours to be seen! Marrrrrcelinho, number seven! Cafundéu one, The Islands of Qutar zerrrrro! And a special commemoration for his wife, who’s prrrrregnant! By the way, the best prrrrroducts for babies you find in Bebezim storrrrres. Toys and higienic goods!”

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/6496/elvism3006reuqu7.jpg
The Islands of Qutar player commemorates... a throw-in

THE SECOND HALF: this time, the result after the end of the first half wasn’t so secure. Because of that, the main players continued in the team. Neto had to be substituted few minutes after the beginning of the half, and Léo Mattos soon after. But the team continued strong, and the wings seemed to finally work better. This time, the crossings were dangerous too, but unfortunately the headings weren’t accurate. The Islands of Qutar seemed to lack motivation in the half, and let the Monopolists improve their advantage in fast plays, ending with the result.

Qutar even tried to score in the first minute, with a long ranged shot, but Carlão blocked it. The answer couldn’t be better. Toninho sent the ball directly to the attack. Flecha dominated the ball, turned around, looked at the goal... and shot. The ball went to the right corner of the goal, and the goalkeeper could do nothing. Six minutes later, the third goal. Rato exchanged passes with Anormal, who gave the ball to Heitor. A long ranged shot... and another goal. Winning the game, Cafundéu only managed the result, but, in the last minutes, Rato invaded the area and dribbled the goalkeeper, who hit the midfielder with violence. Penalty. Heitor took it and scored another goal.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 2 (Flecha’s goal - Cafundéu’s 2nd): “Ball with Toninho. Although Cafundéu is winning the game and playing better at the moment, anything can happen, as the advantage is of just one goal. Sends the ball to the attack, the defender is unable to head it. Flecha gets the ball, alrrrrrready inside the arrrrrea. He moves, shoots... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! I want to see the rrrrreplay! Flecha, number nine! Cafundéu two, The Islands of Qutar zerrrrro! Serrrrrginho Mallandrrrrro’s Prrrrrogrrrrram, the best Saturrrrrday activity for your family! Watch it at Globo Multimedia!”

CURIOUS MOMENTS: the fans were really excited with the game. After the game, one of them jumped inside the field and, before being stopped by a police officer, he offered a beer to the midfielder Neto, who was substituted in the second half. The player accepted and gave his shirt to the supporter, who went happy to the police station. And, during the game, we must note how the goalkeeper of Qutar was sent off. Rato dribbled him, and, when he was going to shoot the ball. The goalkeeper hit him with a flying kick, from the Penanuca fighting style. Only two thousand people in the world master this style, so this goalkeeper must be an excellent fighter.

JORGE LANG - INTERVIEWS: here I am again, to hear the players and the coach talking about today’s game! And, I don’t know why, it must be an unwritten tradition, we asked the coach first. And, after being approached, Franz Braddock said: “I would say that today we had the same performance level of the game against Merovis. The Islands of Qutar gave a bit more trouble to our defence, but, in the end, we had the same difficulty level of the last game, which, I must add, wasn’t high. Let’s continue with the good form, so we can finally qualify without suffering.”

And, to the players now. I talked first with the defender of the team, the strong Carlão. He smiled when he discovered that I wanted to hear him, and told me: “Another good result for us. This gives us confidence, of course, but we need to continue giving our best in the games, to not lose our form. Maybe in the next game I’ll work more (he smiles)” Later, I found the midfielder Rato, who said: “Congratulations to the team, we worked well together, and to Marcelinho too. I didn’t know that his wife was pregnant.”

BEST PLAYERS OF THE GAME (Ruiz’s opinion): well, I can’t remember of no one from The Islands of Qutar. Maybe because they didn’t release the names of their players. But, for Cafundéu, there were some good performances. Heitor scored twice, Flecha and Marcelinho scored beautiful goals. But half of these goals wouldn’t happen if Anormal hadn’t played. Apart from defending the team, the giant created the best plays of the game. So, he is the man of the match.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 3 (Penalty kick): “Ball to the attack, Rrrrrrato rrrrreceives it. Good contrrrrrrol, he will trrrrrry to scorrrrrre. Avoids one of the defenders, enterrrrrs in the arrrrrea, drrrrribbles the goalkeeper, will scorrrrrre... (silence) ... it’s a penalty! What the hell was the goalkeeper thinking! He hit Rrrrrrato with a flying kick, something verrrrry unusual... and effective... it must be painful! Rrrrrred carrrrrd to him, of courrrrrse! Heitor will take it... GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Replay please! Heitor, number eleven! Cafundéu four, The Islands of Qutar zerrrrro! Fast carrrrrs or family carrrrrs? You choose! In JR Carrrrrs, you can find the vehicle you need! JR Carrrrrs, the best place to buy!”

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Marcelinho commemorates the goal, and his wife’s pregnancy

CAFUNDÉU 4x0 THE ISLANDS OF QUTAR

Place: Praça Maior, in Cafundó do Juta.
Attendance: 180,000 people.
Referee: Andrés Toluca (Candelaria And Marquez).
MOTM: Anormal (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Lauro; Léo Mattos (Coelho 60'), Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal, Marcelinho (Éverton 78'), Rato and Neto (Vergara 55'); Heitor and Flecha.
Coach: Franz Braddock.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_islands_of_qutar.png THE ISLANDS OF QUTAR: no team released.

Goals:CAF: Marcelinho 31’ , Flecha 58’ , Heitor 64’/91’.

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Cafundéu – formation for game against Solenial: Lauro; Léo Mattos, Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal, Marcelinho, Rato and Neto; Heitor and Flecha.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +3

Match’s Referee: Timo Grösser (Geisenfried).

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Goalscorers after 2 games:

4- Flecha
2- Heitor
1- Toninho and Marcelinho

The Bassabook Baritone

A sports report in a recent edition misspelled the name of the Republic of New Morrisia as New Morissia. The Baritone regrets the error.

New who?

Glances through dusty atlases reveal no nation known as "Morrisia", but it appears as if New Morrisia might have almost as little impact on the world of international football. The unheralded side lost 5-1 in Zwangzug, who moves into sole possession of first place in group 10, ahead of Taeshan.

The offensive display began with a goal from Simon Ryne Olson in the twelfth minute, off a strong pass from Brendan Deguela. The center midfielder has proven to be a natural fit in the position but also very adaptable, able to cover a lot of ground across the field. Goals from Jacob Barons and Peter Vanderpent gave Zwangzug a wide lead at halftime.

New Morrisia fought with new energy after the half. A breakaway attack took the defense by storm for the visitors' only goal. Zwangzug would add two more to their tally, however, with Preston Liebersbach (in for Vanderpent at the half) and Deguela scoring.

"I've never thought of myself as a goalscorer," he said after the game, still buoyant. "But playing with this team has changed a lot of what I know about football. Which isn't much," he smiled. "I wanted to be a baseball player when I was a kid."

What prompted the switch? "Well, I kept playing until sophomore year in college. Our captain was "academically ineligible" that year, though, so we fell apart. I was jaded: I gave up on baseball for a while. Then our hall got a foosball table, though, so I threw myself into that. I always got the forward and midfield players, so maybe that was a sign. Then, of course, World Cup 36." Zwangzug's semifinal appearance prompted unprecedented interest, inspiring coach Doodlypants Mcgimpy to go searching for more players.

And did he find them. "The autumn after I graduated, I still wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life, but then I met Coach Mcgimpy." In the locker room, the midfielder shook his head humbly. "I'm very lucky that I wound up here."

The team is certainly lucky to have such a talented player.

"We are the super girls
We are the super girls
We beat the Bosto boys
We beat the Bosto boys..."

The Pettes jeered at the rather pathetic attempt by Rach Horne and Lucy Verasamy to imitate their chart success. "That's total rubbish!!!" yelled Rosie Dougall. "Pass the voddy! Cheers!!!!"

"Run out..." commented Thalia Pellegrini.

"Bloody hell," yelled Becca Stevens. "Where can we get more?"

"The WFA!!! Come ON!!!!!!"

The few remaining spectators were a little surprised to see a drunken train of royal blue shirted footballing babes staggering to a coach and yelling "the FA!!! We need booooooooooze!!!!!"

After a quick canter through the back streets of Fleetway they found the liaison centre. "Booooooooooze!!!!! Yayyyy!!!!!!!!!"

The only player not drinking was the suspended Thalia Pellegrini. "Come on, Sham!!! Gerrit down ya!!!"

"No way. I've got a photoshoot tomorrow. I'm not turning up all wrecked."

"Come on...here, have some champers." Ellie Beavan sprayed champagne towards Pellegrini, who retreated towards an open window.

"No way!!! Don't let that get near me..."

Suddenly Pellegrini yelled. "OWWWWW!!!!"

"What's up?"

Pellegrini put her hand to her head as the team watched - and laughed as a slimy yellow goop dripped down her flowing locks. "Come on...who threw that egg???? DAMMIT!!!!"

The team laughed at her happily. "Well, Sham," offered Rach Horne, "looks like the yolk's on you."

OOC: I feel like today is a good day to do an old style Milchmian RP

Alexandria Times-Tribune-Star-News-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquirer

Sports Section

10 goal heroes! Nation wakes up to realize a World Cup is on

In one of the most dazzling displays of Milchamian football in our history after a disappointing first matchday the Milchama Warriors more than made up for it with a 10-1 demolition of East Lithuania. This was the biggest margin of victory in Milchama football history and tied for the biggest margin of victory in World Cup history and puts the Warriors on track to many victories in the future. Coach Damian Hill said, "We put the hooker in and our line out was really working. It was too easy, I love the forwards right now." We are really not sure at this point whether Coach Hill even knows he's coaching football but with victories like this we could care less.
There was only one way to talk about a match like this and that's a rendition of how they scored:

3rd minute: East Lithuania on the ball now. L to M to C to Q. That's some great passing and the Warriors are spread thin now as Q passes to the wing where X is making a run X comes in and beats Rolt and crosses past Daig Mitchell! J comes on shoots, SCORES!!!!!!! 1-0 to East Lithuania and the Milchama offense will have to wake up in order for us to do anything this game.

4th minute: Kickoff for the Warriors after giving up their third goal of the campaign so far as Rintell takes it and dribble past one defender, two defenders, three defenders! steps inside and shoots! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tie game!!!!! The crowd is going wild what a goal by Kenny Rintell cuts inside of 3 defenders before going up and shooting to make it 1-1. What a great start to this game.

"Wow what a long newspaper article"

"Yeh no wonder they stopped reporting those things internationally I couldn't read on after that first goal, too boring"

"I don't know Floren parachuting into score was interesting"

"Yeh but the way they reported it was weird"

"Agreed"

"I still like the end of the articles though so let's look there"

"ok"

Final Score:
Milchama 10 (Rintell 4, Kelton 10, Marchakov 23, Flar 33, 85 Flossmore 42, Belmowitz 57, 72, Forent 68, Floren 90)
East Lithuania 1 (J 3)

MD3 RP cutoff

A New Cup; A New Team
by Dontu Truistme

It's that time again, that time when people all over the world sit around their television sets, radios, and internet feeds, where men exchange beverages together, women invite over all their friends, and children rap themselves in their national flags. Yeah, you guessed it, it's World Cup time again. It's that time when Yaforite fans come together and once again predict whether or not their team will qualify (normally, most fans select the latter) and all the rest. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not going to keep going - you, hopefully, have got the idea by now. If not, then I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be able to help you, and I'm not sure that anyone else will be able to.

Anyway, this year's Yaforite team brings with it a few odd changes, least of all in the ownership. I'm not sure exactly who this "Cinna the Poet" bird is, but he's clearly rich and he clearly likes the sport. I do hope that you saw the broadcast (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=13224138#post13224138), but in case you didn't, there really isn't much that you missed, to be brutally honest. After all, it was mostly him scribbling (or, I suppose, since it was with one of those "chisel" things, "carving") into a stone tablet. Mostly racist comments and the like. A lot of those international types really like him. As for me, I'm not quite sold yet. It's thrilling to have an interested owner, but if he interferes with how this team is run and becomes one of those media darling types, I'm sorry to say that I, at least, am not interested. We see enough of those in other countries. This is Yafor 2, after all, not that other place.

Doesn't seem like that bad a guy otherwise, though. Got a rare opportunity to talk to him the other day. He started speaking in Latin, so it's a good thing that our education system teaches us all to speak it! Most of what he was talking about was criticizing hendecasyllabic and other "new-fangled" forms of poetry (never mind that hendecasyllabic really hasn't been popular for about three thousand years), and talking about the "good old days where everyone did standard dactylic hexameter". Don't ask me. I'm not a poetry type, so I really don't know, at all, what he was talking about, but he seemed to feel rather passionately about it, so I let him rant on. Not that I was paying any attention or anything. After all, I'm a sports commentator, not some kind of artsy columnist.

I know I'm spending an inordinate amount of time on the Golden Wolves' new owner in this article, but I'm afraid that I really can't resist. He's a rather interesting figure, especially considering how active he was during that draw-ceremony thing. After all, he seems a rather interesting type, and he's a rather interesting figure to own a national football/soccer team (incidentally, it's still media friendliness to refer to it like that. Rather idiotic practice, I think, but I'd rather get my column published and not get reprimanded, thank you very much). Anyway, the question everyone seems to be asking is "who is this Cinna chap? How did he get ownership of the Golden Wolves?" (actually, that's two questions. Sorry to all you counting types). Those are questions I really can't answer, since I really don't know the answer. Yes, I admitted to that. Take notes. I won't make that kind of admission ever again.

Now, I know that you are getting bored with my constant harping on the owner of the team, so I'm going to get back to actually describing what's new. Thia Boley, the aggressive, brutal, tough, big-body center defender is gone. This takes away the guy who usually caused trouble for strikers. In his lace is the athletic youngster, half-Jeruselemite Herod Accursas. Most are sold on this young guy. He's powerful, he's got heart, and he can score. I'm not as sure. Removing Boley exposes the Yaforite defense to those big forwards and their heading abilities and Accursas, despite his Jeruselemite mother, is not really that big. Plus, it puts a ton of pressure on the other center defender, Lhatis Riegan, who is in the same mold as Accursas, if less attacking and more solid. I don't know. It's a plus on the speed and attacking, but I think we're going to miss Boley's big body sometime in the future.

This Yaforite team has its greatest strengths up the middle (unlike most Yaforite teams of the past), though, so I'm not unduly concerned. As if to balance out Herod Accursas' attacking style, we have Mosada Juhan, a very defensive and aggressive midfielder. He's not all that big either, but he's tough and he can jump like no one's business, so I guess that justifies the Accursas selection (though, I will admit, Accursas certainly is the best youngster around). Juhan had a break-out cup a few cups ago and has now matured into an intelligent, captain-ish player. He's a good player to have around and I like his selection, just like I like the formation Gerod Flamer's been going with, the 4-1-3-1-1. It seems to work a little better than the traditional 5-3-2, in my opinion.

We've got a lot of strength and depth in our midfield and attack centers, though. Prince Sebard is still the heart and soul of the team, as well as the best player on it, so that takes care of something. Maharta Kiranar, his back-up, is the best young player I've ever seen (and that's saying a lot!), so we're okay there. Iktam Velastros is aging (as hard as it is to imagine, it's a long time since he was the young back-up to the Malar brothers), but he retains his passing and shooting abilities. Zyante Meleherat has matured, from his arrogant and impolite younger version, to an intelligent and passing striker. I have a feeling that this is the year that he is really going to strike fear into opposing defenses. Teams know how to prepare for the Prince, nowadays, so I'd guess that this is the time that Meleherat seizes his openings.

Strangely, the real weaknesses of this team are along the wings. The defense is solid, but not great. Agorala'an Nivor is aging quickly, and while he's still big and a good passer, his speed and ability to mark opposing teams' forwards and midfielders is rapidly declining. His back-up, Joraset Jeyllan, is even older than he is. On the right, Nilan Bahsir is solid, but not spectacular, and his back-up, Garin Malan, needs many more caps before he reaches his admittedly-large potential. On the left, both Hierna Klienta and Korast Ytern are getting older and losing their speed, while on the right, Vashil Nahanor has incredible speed and ball control abilities, but needs more experience.

Overall, it's a good team (with an interesting owner!). If they can go far, though, it'll be thanks to Gerod Flamer, who, overall, has proven, in the past, to be a very good manager.

The Isangrad Times

Valerians Lose Another Game

The Valerian Empire today lost once again in Matchday 2 against Candelaria and Marquez. The Boyars could not cope with against The Big Blues with their offense; the Valerian defense was rather shoddy this game (in succession to the big 5-0 loss to The Crusaders of Jeruselem) and especially in the first half. What makes this a very bad streak for the Valerians is that they have yet to score a single goal in any game. They are genuinely the whipping boys of the World Cup and Group 6, and even His Holiness Patriarch Feodor III, the holiest football fan in The Empire, prays repeatedly for a goal and for at least a draw to help make the Valerian record in their return to World Cup less... embarrassing.

OOC: Will add onto this later... i gotta pack up and head home right now.

St Samuel 1-0 Bergelland

St Samuel Struggle to beat Bergelland

The Latin Crusaders managed to earn their second victory of the World Cup Qualifiers over Bergelland on the back of a 4-2 defeat to Sorthern Northland. Goals from Enzo Mazzeranni and Maxi Bezzi-Louaza against Sorthern Northland was not enough to earn St Samuel any points after some poor defending in what proved a tight match.

After St Samuel's first fixture against Bumiroar, which saw a luck lustre victory for St Samuel, manager Georgi Monte-Cristiano was hopeing for a morale boosting victory over minows, Bergelland. But things didn't go to plan.

St Samuel were held level until the 55th minute after some solid defending from Bergelland. It was Sebastien Atalanta who scored St Samuel's goal after Leo Sensini wipped in a free kick which was cushioned down by Mazzeranni to Atalanta who slotted home in style.

Bergelland continued to defend rarely making it past the half way line, but terrible passing and even worse shooting from the Latin Crusaders saw the home fans slowly start to get annoyed with their teams performance.

But St Samuel held out for the one nil team, and although a poor performance was made, ex-international striker, Dexter St John said "It's great to win when your playing badly." When asked what he thought of St Samuel's start to the World Cup Qualifiers and the beggining of the new manager's reign in control of the Latin Crusaders, St John replied with confidence for the new boss. "The fans have to be somewhat patient and get behind the team. A new manager and coach is a big change for any team and Georgi has the experience and creditentials that show his qualities. Im sure things will come together for us and the team will soon adapt to the managers new style. We have a great squad and if we can turn our form around, I believe we can go all the way. We have beaten the two smallest teams in the group, and slipped up against Sorthern Northland. We just need to show what we can do against Demot, Northern Bettia and Oliverry and to certainly not under estimate The Pazhujeb Islands, who proved how good they were in the BoF."

St Samuel face the mighty Demot next, who are also struggling to find their form so far and a good performance will work wonders for the Latin Crusaders. On form midfielder Gino De Santis of Christianburg FC has been called up to replace the injured Omar Batista and Cesar Le Ellandria of St Lysander has replaced Lewisburg Town's Frankie Le Ricco at right back, after Le Ricco's string of poor performances.

Goal Scorers:
Sebastien Atalanta 2
Enzo Mazzeranni 2
Leo Sensini 1
Maxi Bezzi-Louaza 1

"Yes, Yes, Yes! Mum, I can't believe your gambit paid off. It was far closer than I would of liked 3-2, and we've still got ESF and Quakmybush but I think we're going to make it."

"Oh, guess what I found." his mother had a weird smile on her face.

"Okay, I know that smile... You've found it haven't you."

"Found what Andrew?" the smile continued getting that little bit wider.

"The pay book"

"Ta - da." said Mrs. Coulter as she produced the pay book,

"good, now I need to ring the treasurer and get all the players their pay upto date."

"I've already told him, he's on his way up."

There was a knock on the door,

"Who is it?" asked Mrs. Coulter as if there was someone standing at the door to her house.

"It's me Mrs. Coulter, John Davidson."

"Oh, John come in we've got it right here for you."

The door opened to reveal John Davidson, BFSA's Treasurer.

"Thank you for those Muffins, Mrs Coulter, we really enjoyed them."

"Thank you, and please call me Agnus."

"Mum!" Andrew whispered angrily to his mother.

"What?"

Andrew sighed "Nevermind." It wouldn't of matter if she made him something like that you know some cookies or something for him, but she hadn't yet.

"Oh, Andy..."

"MUM!"

"Alright, Andrew I've got something else for you. John."

"Uh, oh." this sounded bad, she had roped John into doing something., which means she had a plan, which the inevitable result of would be embarrasment to him.

John opened the door again and begged people to come in. They were wheeling a trolley with a cake on it into the room.

"Do you know what it is today?"

"No..." It was said

"It's the tenth aniversary of you taking the top job in Bazalonian sports. Congratulations Andrew, my baby."

"MUM!"

With John spending 15 minutes to help celebrate before running off and doing the pays, the rest of the entire afternoon was a write off for the president and his mother.

Jeruselem had beaten Miceland at their home. Most of the team didn't want to venture outside as being human in nation full of mice was a bit daunting to the team. It didn't seem to bother any of Dallas girls who decided to get some shopping down and same back with an assortment of strange objects like they normally did.

Hose: Those Dallas girls are back coach.
Coach: Yes, I heard. They sound like female mice on heat, that lot.
Hose: It's funny, I'm married a Dallas girl and well - she's got a squeaky voice too.
Coach: Personally, I think they all have mouse genes.

Hose: Cute, small and fast breeding.
Coach: Not fussy eaters either.
Hose: Speaking of breeding ... any plans for the future.
Coach: Oh yes, not now. Maybe after this cup, after I find a new place to live.

Hose: What's wrong with your place?
Coach: I don't know, the new neighbours. Unfriendly pricks who don't like French people.
Hose: Why is that?
Coach: Behave like Nazis. Actually they are Lutherans, but they aren't nice people. Actually, I like these mice around there more than them. At least, you get respect around here.

Hose: Move into the girlfriend's place.
Coach: Too small, I need a bigger place especially when there's a good chance of my girlfriend having kids quickly.
Hose: I see Scarlet's been learning things from Skate.
Coach: Yeah, both crazy redheads. Very alike.

Hose: Oh, here comes Skate.
Skate: Hey hey, have a present guys! A figurine of Angela BallMouse.
Hose: Cute Skate ...
Coach: Looks you a bit

Skate: Hope you like it.
Hose: Say, can you help the coach find a new place to live?
Skate: Mum owns a farm outside of Jerusalem city. You can be our house-sitter.
Coach: What kind of farm?

Skate: It's actually an orchard.
Coach: Sounds good, a country lifestyle.
Skate: We can organise something.
Coach: I really must move, I don't like my neighbours. Their kids run around with toy guns shouting "Die Hebrew ..."

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c58/Krytenia/thsdNEWS.png
Feeding Rami Niblick's bank balance since 2022

OUCH

There's no nice way of explaining this. Though there is nothing but friendship between the nations of Krytenia and Bazalonia, this cameraderie did not extend out to the football pitch as the Bazalopes put the hapless Aces to the sword in a five-nil walloping.

Freddy Hampstead was the difference in the game. Though not scoring himself, his accurate passing and mazy dribbles open up an inexperienced Krytenian defence on several occasions, and only a couple of excellent stops by Ibanez in the Krytenian goal prevented a Hampstead score. Ibanez, however, could do nothing about the opener, a wonder strike from Quentin Assington that rose elegantly into the top corner from a full thirty yards.

Assington's strike was the pick of the goals, but the big story of the game was the Krytenian defence's complete lack of cohesion. Vernon Di Lorenzi appeared to be on another planet entirely for most of the game, whilst poor James Southern ran himself into the ground trying (and failing) to do the job of two men. Manager Sam Duffy has promised changes to the defensive line for the next game against Limbrgidlia; Steven Sparrow expected to get the nod ahead of the hapless Di Lorenzi.

Bazalonia - 5
Assington 14
R. Yunn 29, 82
Kang 40
T. Yunn 66

Krytenia - 0

NOV 22 1933 (Turori)

The three game road trip was successful, as finally the leg Bionic enhancements finally kicked in as the team defeated a supposedly tough Turori 3-0. 3-0-0 through the first 3 matches is good, but the team is behind Az-cz on Goal differential.

I decided to allow Dr. Hadel to stay, as he finally got the legs to work, as I have previously stated. Two more goals for Yancy Fry and a 2nd goal from John Griffey, gave the team all the lead we would require. The play of the Reeds still confound me, as they don't have any Bionics. I might need to have them examined to see if they have unusual DNA.

Due to most of the world celebrating a holiday, the next matches are pushed back for a few days, which is good. The extra time will be used to tweak the enhancements and to start on the grafting of the Bionic internal organs. The next opponent is at home vs. Endmile at Estadia Pika. Hopefully this good start will bring out the fans. Vephrall is hosting us in a friendly tommorrow, but I'm not too worried.



SCORING SUMMARY:
(Qazox) Griffey: 40'; Tripp: 59'
(Turori) NONE

Jason Vallens World Cup Blog:

Matchday Three @ Nire and Nire

Nire and Nire's Youn Grand dominated the Wombats scoring 2 first half goals (13th and 42nd minutes) in a 3-1 win for the home side. Mike Sink, a halftime subsitution for Jill Caffey, which was made to give the Wombats a better attacking formation, scored in the 55th minute to cut the lead to 2-1, but Juan Rello, the BoF star for Nire and Nire put the Wombat's hopes away with a goal in the 71st.

The Scoring summary:
N&N: Youn Grand: 13'
N&N: Youn Grand: 42'
GW: Mike Sink: 55'
N&N: Juan Rello: 71'

Green wombat is dead last in the Group the only team without a win so far. In other Group action, Bostopia dominated Lovisa 5-0, Prux knocked off East Lithuania 2-0 and the big match of the day Milchama edged Wentland 1-0.

Up next is Bostopia back at home. Bostopia is one of the favorites to advance out of this group, and we're not in their league yet. A tough 4-1 loss is my prediction.

PRUX' TOP TEN LIST VS. EAST LITHUANIA

#10- Took them long enough, but the Prawns finally won a away match.

#9- East Lithuania's countryside looks like a bombed out waste dump.

#8- The Prawns had only 5 shots on goal, but still scored twice.

#7- Pies R. Round was great, scoring one goal (in the 30th minute) and setting up the second goal.

#6- East Lithuania's attackers couldn't figure out E. Nigma.

#5- 007 scored again, this time in the 43rd minute, giving the Prawns a 2-0 halftime lead.

#4- Tex Mex was given a red card in the 93rd minute, for tripping an EL player with his cowboy boot.

#3- The win bumps the Lone Unbeaten in the Group up to 4th, only a point behind the tri-leaders of Milchama, Bostopia and Nire and Nire.

#2- The next match is at Milchama and we'll be lucky to score a goal.

#1- Teams we're still ahead of: Krytenia, Starblaydia, D2R, Daehanjeiguk, Oliverry, Kiryu-shi, Kelssek, Wentland, Lovisa, Casari, Spaam, The Islands of Qutar, Estresse Intenso, Yafor 2 (ALL LOSERS!!!).

Being a media personality meant nothing in Miceland, sure you might be well known but at the end you were just a face and voice on the screen, what was most taken notice was those that had impressive skill, in any field of endeavour, wether football, ballet or magical prowess.

The name that musn't be spoken, in the time where Miceland was vacant from the world cup for a time was a time of great upheaval, a time of great highs and terrifying lows the power of a mice twisted and warped to form the darkest time in Micelands history. It was thought that he was killed and his power vanquished never to return again, but now it was obvious that this was not quite true. His power had obviously recovered to the point where he could reveal his existance but still not powerful enough to regain control.

While only a limited number of people knew anything for certain, it was clear that tendrils of a malevolent prescence was around.

~~~

"That's it... where else would be better for Tander to send the package but to speciest Candelaria & Marquez. Obviously, I'm going to have to employ subterfuge, look like a human, but. Yes. Totally the wrong place to send an item so critically important... that's why it's so perfect."

It's a typical matchday in the Blessed Realm, with typical Bettian autumn weather - bright, warm and sunny. Save for the millions packed around the public Humungoscreens dotted around the cities, towns and villages throughout the nation (some in wheelchairs, some leant on their crutches, all with a leg still encased in plaster), the streets are completely empty. One such street is, as always, Pifton High Street, complete with its local comedy tumbleweed bouncing happily away to itself.

As we make our way down the road, loud cheers can be heard wafting down the road, as pleasing to the ear as the aroma of a freshly cooked curry. Not surprisingly, this noise is coming from the Pie and Pixie, by now THE most famous sports café in Bettia, if not NS-Earth. It has been a tough time for the regulars - the old owner Ali passed away peacefully just a year short of his century, and so the café was now being run by his two adopted daughters, his two beloved Ifrit girls Junilun and Fatarani. But even though there has been much sadness, all that seems to have been forgotten - inside, we find dozens of jolly football fans cheering and singing raucously as the Bettian kids score their fourth goal against lowly Vikingholm to keep their remarkable run going at full pelt.

Come on you Roras! Come on you Roras!
Together, we will merry be, MERRY BE!
Bettia'll never fall,
We'll be champions of the world,
And together we will merry be!

As the merriment continued, it was soon noticed that one member of the group wasn't doing their fair share of singing - it was Fatarani, who was in fact just sat in front of the screen gazing adoringly with big puppy-dog eyes at the scenes being played out to them from Tiddles Park.

"Awww, they're just so amazing! Aren't they? Huh? Dontcha just wanna grab em all and give em a big hug?" she gushed.

"Well yes, I guess. They're playing magnificently, for a bunch of primary-schoolers," Fat Even replied as he tried to squeeze a fork underneath his cast to get at that pesky itch which had been bothering him something rotten all day. "But why do you wanna hug them? You've never been that way about the 'roras before, especially when we the cup all those years ago."

"But they were nowhere near as adorable as this team. I mean, look! Look!" she said excitedly.

"Ummm, Tessie Barkley kicked the ball. Big deal."

"I know! Isn't she just the cutest thing ever?!"

All of a sudden, Fatarani felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to see her sister standing there.

"I don't see why you're getting so worked up over a bunch of children. After all, you're a child yourself," Junilun said.

"I'm NOT a child. I'm two-hundred-and-fifty-three years old!" Fatarani pouted.

"Yup, still a child."

"I don't care what you think, they're still cute. Even Toby."

Fat Evan looked confused. "Toby? Who on Searth (OOC: short for NS-Earth) is Toby?"

"You know, Toby. Akim al-Sikamiya's pet arora."

He strained his eyes at the screen as it showed young Akim twisting his way through the Viking defence before shooting just wide.

"I don't see any arora."

"He's right there!" Fatarani said, pointing at the screen, "Right there, on his head! A little black one!"

Fat Evan and his mates looked at each other, confused and scratching their heads.

"We can't see anything. And anyway, there's no such thing as a black arora - they're either white, silver or brown and spotty."

"But it's there! It's right there, sitting on his head!" Fatarani protested.

"She's right, there IS an arora on that boy's head," Junilun mused, "And if you humans can't see it, that can only mean one thing - it's a Jann."

"A Jann?"

"Yes, a Jann, the lowest order of the Jinn. They usually show themselves as black dogs, snakes, or in this case, a black arora. I wonder why this one's so attached to that little boy though."

"Maybe he just wants a friend?" Fatarani suggested.

"Maybe. After all, Jann are always getting picked on by devils for being so weak - that's why they like running away to the human world so much. People love dogs and aroras. And snakes, sometimes."

"Awww, poor thing. It's so cute! Isn't it cute? Eh? Isn't it? Hey Juni - can we get a pet Jann? Huh? Can we? Can we? Can we?"


Fixtures / Results

MD..OPPONENT................VENUE...RESULT
Qualifying Group 8

FR: Az-cz...................Away.......D 4-4
01: The Archregimancy.......Away.......W 8-1
02: Tuaim...................HOME.......W 8-1
03: Vikingholm..............HOME.......W 4-0
04: Ad'ihan.................HOME.......
05: Squornshelous...........Away.......
06: Casari..................Away.......
07: Spaam...................Away.......
08: The Archregimancy.......HOME.......
09: Tuaim...................Away.......
10: Vikingholm..............Away.......
11: Ad'ihan.................Away.......
12: Squornshelous...........HOME.......
13: Casari..................HOME.......
14: Spaam...................HOME.......

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

THE DIARY OF FR. PAVEL WHO ATE ALL THE PIES

Dear Diary,

Blessed is the Lord our God, who has brought forth many wondrous things, such as the nation of Casari, and the brand new Tyrellia World Stadium, which - until last night - stood tall and proud, containing over one hundred and ten thousand fans in a single place. One fears it would take many loaves and fishes indeed to feed so many, even if our Lord and Saviour was to walk among us in the present. Hmmm. I wonder if that's a heretical thought? I must ask the other team membersas to whether it is a heresy to consider potential limitations to the miracle-working powers of the incarnate Christ.

But I digress. Where was I? Oh yes, Casari. What fantastic pies they have here. There's even a shop called 'Beery Swine' that's developed a vast range of beer-flavoured pork pies, each one using a different boutique ale from a small brewery. Thanks be to God for inspiring the heathens and heretics (whichever) to such wondrous inventions.

And then there's the match. Oh dear. Usually we would have tried very hard to lose - it is our monastic duty, after all, to humble ourselves daily - but I regret that the constant mockery of our pre-match rituals by a bunch of heathens and Catholic schismatics rather got to us, and we tried much, much harder than we usually would have done. Our back four even discarded their crutches for the duration, such was the miraculous power of their righteous anger. And Father Demetrius gave up the bottle for 90 minutes; who would have thought!

And guess what! I scored! Praise be to God! Alright, it was more of a deflection off my blessedly large posterior after a free-kick had bounced off Fr. Pyotr's gout-ridden toe (and he's still feeling that one, let me tell you!), but it still goes down as a goal to me. I think I'm feeling dangerously un-humble after that one, so might have to flagellate myself tonight if I have unhumble thoughts in the refectory.

There is one thing I don't understand, though... Why did the home fans keep singing "who ate all the pies" in my direction? I would have thought that was obvious. I did. I ate all the pies in the dressing room, and at half time, and after the match. Wouldn't have thought that one was too difficult to work out.

I must say the home fans didn't react at all well to Fr. Demetrius' second half goal, you know, the one that gave us the 2-0 lead we rather sinfully held on to. I've never seen such a drunken riot. And it's so sad that they then started setting alight the stadium that God had seen fit to let them build (and then promptly burn down again - such are the mysterious ways of the Lord our God). As specifically requested by the home authorities, we tried really, really, really hard not to let it burn down, and helped carry water buckets to the source of the blaze (well, except for Fr. Fulvianius, who collapsed under the weight of a single quarter-full bucket) - but all to no avail. By the end of the day the stadium was a pile of ash and dust, a few soaring steel girders still thrusting alone towards the sky, the remnant of a marble facade standing proud here and there, but the rest was a ruin.

Praise God indeed the drunken louts won't get away with that sort of behaviour in the return leg.

Anyway diary, must dash - it's Fr. Pavel's turn to conduct liturgy tonight, and he might need help holding the incense burner, what with that gouty toe and all.

Incidentally, our coach still seems to be in hiding. Pity about that 'Hunky Monks' calendar...

Many are the secrets of the Welsh ninja warrior.

Take the victory over Kansiov, for example....

Such mastery of stealth.

Such silence of action.

Such honour in brave deeds.

Such beautifully arranged daffodils and leeks behind the visitor's goal, right next to the full-sized picture of Owain Glyn Dwr in his traditional ninja garb.

One goal was enough to vanquish their opponents. More would have brought dishonour upon the weak.

But from whence did these warriors come? Is this not too a secret? It is not!

It is a little known fact that the Chief Ninja is enthroned each year at the National Eisteddfod, at the Gorsedd of the Ninjas.

It is this Chief Ninja who, in beautifully composed medieval Welsh rhyme, gave his blessing to the current Welsh ninja squad to represent the Holy Empire.

Forward in victory, honourable in defeat, strong as the blue stones of the Preselis, swift as the wind off St. Bride's Bay, supple as the sea grass of Ynys Mon.

These are the true Welsh ninja warriors...

May they bring much honour upon our house.

Sadly we lost to scotchpinestan 1-0 on a penalty 5 minutes into the game. Are goalie tad montague got thrown out of the game with a red card but miraculously they didnt score on an open goal shot the rest of the game. HUH

“…ver Kiryu-shi leaves the C&M national soccer team two points clear at the top of World Cup Qualifying Group Six.”

“And, on day seven of the Maranzano trial, the defendant’s mother claims: ‘I never heard nothin’ ‘bout them rabbits’.”

“(fake laugh in voice) That really was the problem, Missus M!”

“(equally fake laugh in voice) Yes, you’re right there, Greg!”

“(deadly serious) Alright, we’ll see you same time again tomorrow for the Evening News, no se olvide de que las noticias de la tarde están disponibles en español en TTO-Español, but until next we meet, I’ve been Greg Ruffer.”

“And I’ve been Jenny Koçgündüz. Good night.”

“G’night.”

Ba-Ba-Baaaam Bam-Bam-Ba-Bam BA-BA! BA-BA-BA! Baaaah….

Brief ad for a Cafundéu brand of bog roll, dubbed into English.

Equally brief ad for a strikingly similar brand of Cafundéu bog roll, dubbed somewhat more successfully into Spanish.

“You’re watching TTO. Quality, with an apology. It’s just gone seven o’clock, and it’s time… for the Football Sh”

The ‘ow’ disappears into inconsequence as the new title sequence for TFS gets under way. The traditional flow of club badges and an racially-diverse band of extras posing as football supporters is now joined by a succession of goals being scored by the world’s greatest players… of Merovis, Randovium, Thundercliffe et al. ‘Yeah,’ the shows seems to say in a surly fashion. ‘So what if we can’t afford the rights to proper games. We’ve got Bumiroar highlights, people! What more do you want? Spoilt, that’s what you are’.

TFS presenter Rich Stevens appears, smiling merrily. One can’t help put notice his twitch. It’s really quite disconcerting.

“Good EVEning. It’s time for the footBALL SHOW AND Tonight, we’ve got all the best. Goals AND action from matchday thrEE. Of the World Cup qualifiers, including an in-dept look at C&M’s victory. Over Keer-RE-ooh-SHI. We’ve got an international special for you, where we talk to Marquez-Onwere’s Recluse Island star Niclas Kjaer, about his joy at the club’s 100% start to the CMSC season. And the tragedy of his country’s ceasing.” (A random football appears on the screen briefly, before two rugged, grinning young men appear surrounded by some fawning young girls with hooped earrings and ‘UP 4 IT’ t-shirts.) “We see how new Shining Sons pair Gime Thadope and Smakam Downe are getting on helping disadvantaged teenagers in downtown Allemali as part of the CMSC’s SolidBottom programme. And…” (He pauses thoughtfully as a rather fetching goat randomly appears.) “And we meet the Dublynne Raider’s latest mascot; Graham the Goat.” (The sound of several directors and miscellaneous off-air staff clapping in response to Stevens’ quick-thinking is just about audible.) “But to do all that I’m joined by the legend that is Tom McIndoe…”

“Arr, e’h?”

“Eighties’ C&M star Coleman Mustard”

“’Eya, bruv. Nice to see you back, man.”

“Good. And, from the Herald, Tracker Edwards.”

“Evening, Rich.”

“Excellent. But we start in Albrecht for that most important of games: the clash. With Kirry OOOH she. Now, um, obviously we can’t show you the pictures here so…”

Stevens dives under the table. The other three share concerned glances. The presenter re-emerges shortly after.

“We’ve got puppets!”

He reveals four small cardboard puppets held together with split pins. He hands a yellow one in a Kiryu-shi kit to McIdnoe, a brown one in a C&M kit to Mustard, a deathly pale one similarly attired to Edwards and keeps another brown one in the green C&M ‘keeper’s kit for himself.

He fishes in a pocket and pulls out a grape.

“And here’s one I nicked from Sainsbury’s earlier. Coleman, talk us through that first goal. A thing of beauty, wasn’t it?”

“Um. I mean, yeah, bruv, absolutely bangin’ an’ t’in. It’s just totally what we do best, completely soaking up the pressure there, and then jus’ wangin’ it at dem–”

“You’ve got the puppets.”

“Um. Yeah, well,” Mustard holds his puppet by the head. “Y’see, you’ve got Vélez here right, totally getting the face of, um, Tom?” McIndoe reluctantly holds up the Kiryu-shi player. Mustard waggles Vélez back and forth in front of the yellow defender, as the older McIndoe attempts to keep up with the direction of the wagglement. “Y’see, Vélez yeah, total handful right but yer yellow fella here reckons he’s got ‘im in his pocket, yeah, so we lull them in right, let them have all the ball, wear ‘emselves out, and then just before halftime, li’l Pinkowski on the left. Tracker?” Edwards holds the pale player by the waste and manoeuvres the legs forward across the table. Pinkowski’s upper torso and head droops backwards pathetically. “Right, so everyone reckons his gonna pass to Vélez but noooo, change a’ pace and THOOM! Um. Thoom?”

“Oh, sorry.” Edwards flicks the front leg towards the grape which totters off the table and into Stevens’ lap.

“It’s just a class goal, fellas. Loadsa passion, y’know? Oomph.” Mustard pauses, feeling more is expected of him. “Word,” he offers.

“And the second goal right after half, Tom, time basically killed them off, didn’t it?”

“Ah, assy lute, Lee. Lark, eh were bet ferry flake girl, oof web Ian annist. Rilly bark lirrance fun t’ girl kipper, ankh Aras: ewas juice inda rate plays sat a rate tame.”

“Good, yeah… And you, Tracker, what did you make of the game?”

“Oh, all round it was a good performance. There were real nerves in the first half, clearly, not a lot of leadership in the back four I felt. Jordan and De Wilde needed some reassurance at times, and they were pigs with two masters with Fu and Young both shouting orders. That’s something that really got to be sorted out in the long-term. But I actually thought the second-half was more impressive, for all that there was only the Caras goal just after half-time. Really unhurried, some great pass and move. There’s a lot of individual talent there, always has been, but in this campaign they’re really working together as a team, or at least their football is. You saw there some great little triangles between Jordan, Caras and Cassa for example; Corradini, Pinkowski and Vélez were co-operating particularly well, they kept their shape superbly under a real spell of Kiryu-shi pressure after the sixtieth minute or so. Very flexible formation as well, starts as 4-2-3-1, sure; but when Caras gets forward on the right to support Vélez, Cassa shifts out there to make it a 4-4-2. Same on the other side, you’ve got Pinkowski or Cornelisse supporting Vélez at times and Corradini wafts out to support the left. You saw how much it confounded Kiryu-shi’s own counters. And as an attacking force it works too, Caras and Pinkowski really got in behind their defence – unlucky not to be rewarded with another second-half goal really. I think the development in recent weeks since the Harmony has been really pleasing.”

Stevens, Mustard and McIndoe sit in stunned silence for a few moments. The presenter eventually pulls himself together.

“It all does leave Mark Baker with a bit of a selection headache, doesn’t it?” Stevens turns back to camera. “Now we have the team. For the Zwangzug friendLY THE FIRST. Played on home turf outside of Albrecht and. It’s Primrose – first chance in goal for him in three cycles – Jordan, Young, De Wilde and Szczechowicz – first time Benji Fu’s ever missed an international would you believe – a four-man midfielder of Caras, Ma, Head and Pinkowski, and two up front in Stuart Vidakovic and Yasser Zaghloul.”

“Oeuh, thar sim breeve di SARS zunz un thar, Reech.”

“Especially considering it’s former World Cup quarter-finalists, even coming off a pretty awful last result, yes. Now, obviously we’ve no idea what team Baker will be picking against Zemyzha Myzhent, but what we do know is that it looks increasingly likely that the game will be able to go ahead. That’s certainly the words we’ve been hearing out of the APO; that they look close to agreeing a settlement of some sort with the government allowing the game to be back on as normal.”

“The best result all round I’d say, Rich.”

“Oh, absolutely Tracker. Now, you could never. Accuse US of being parochial, so let’s take a look around the World on matchday three, starting with the much-anticipated clash between Scotchpinestan and Taeshan…”

There follows a pause as they wait for the clips to roll.

“Couldn’t have a coffee, could I, Debbie?” McIndoe asks.

A pause. Coleman Mustard leans forward.

“I say, old boy. You don’t think we’re still on the air, wot?”

CLICK!

***

Lyndon Hernández, etcetera, turned off the TV and hit the Little Black Button on his desk.

“Evenin’ Dan.”

“Evening. I was just watching the Football Show.”

“Good. So look, I can click my fingers, it’s really up to you. The strike can go ahead and we ‘call the game off’, or the strike’s off and the game’s on. Totally your call. Ooh, and I’ve got us a field.”

“A field…?”

“A corn field, for the actual game. Out in Backwater County, no-one’s going to notice. It’s all count-the-toes-and-divide-by-thirteen over there, anyway.”

“Isn’t that rather playing into Miceland’s hands, sir?”

“They’re hardly yer basic Apodemus agrarius, Dan. It’ll be fine. Now, what’s the deal with the Albrecht game?”

“Call off the strike, sir.”

“You sure?”

“Completely. Trust me sir, I can manage this. Although…”

“Hmm?”

“You couldn’t send an apology over to the guys at The Summit of the Popular Music Charts Programme, could you? We kinda had to half-inch all their wind machines…”

The Beningrad Morning Star
New SN kits get some reaction as nice lighted arch at Estadio Fidel Castro


In Sorthern Northland's last fixture, the away team won 4-2. The same result happend in the game against Demot but unfortunatly SN were at home this time. This was the second game of the campaign to be played at the brand spanking new Estadio Fidel Castro on Castro Way in Castrograd near the Castro Museam. Mr Castro is arguably a populer bloke round these parts. Anyway back to the football and it was the first time a game had been played at the new stadium during the evening meaning spectators had the pleasure of seeing the magnificent arch over the stadium beutifully lit up. The general reaction from the crowd was one of "ohhhhh-ahhhhhh". The scene was set with the mass sacrificing of nearly 40,000 rubber chickens was offerd in the hope that the mysterious Margaret would once again send Sorthern Northland victorius.

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/6559/king20senzangakhona20stpn9.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Estadio Fidel Castro

It seems the players also felt the same way as after the scene was set with the mass sacrificing of nearly 40,000 rubber chickens was offerd in the hope that the mysterious Margaret would once again send Sorthern Northland victorius, they manged to go two down inside five minutes. Maria Hart opened the scoring and with the Sortherners still admiring the lights Rahall Lewis added a second. Once SN had realised the game had started though, they were more than a match for the World Cup runners up, with Jing Mao and the returning Kim Min-Kim both testing the Demot keeper Alexander Orien early in the game. Much of the play in the first half belonged to SN but that counts for nothing if you don't score which they didn't.

Early on in the second though Jing Mao pulled one back off a counter attack. Demot will certainly be dissapointed to have conceded having hit the SN post just seconds before. The game remained open with both teams having chances and with 15 minutes left Kim Min-Kim leveled the game with a long range effort. Kevaughn Ó Criomhthain then made the decision to bring on unlikly hero Neuville Senna in a bid to find the winner. The much malinged striker has scored four goals this campaign scoring twice in both games so far. Amazingly he repeated this feat again, although rather less surprsingly this time he managed to score two own-goals to send Demot home with a four two win. he claims the fact that the Demot kit is similer to the new SN third kit confused him.

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/9705/snohvt4.png (http://imageshack.us) http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/8637/snoaqs8.png (http://imageshack.us)http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/6779/snotzp4.png (http://imageshack.us)
The teams new kits, from left to right, home, away and third.

Speaking of kits the SNFA also released the new Sorthern Northland kits before tonights game, although for some reason the team didn't wear them. The kits are the first SN kits to be produced by Sorthern Northland based sportwear company, Asal éide spóirt.

http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/5119/asalqy1.png (http://imageshack.us)
The Asal éide spóirt logo.

A spokesman for the SNFA said "Whilst we have been happy with our previous kits produced by Puma and Addidas we have always been looking for a Sorthern Northland based company to produce our kits and are delighted to have found one in the publicly owned Asal éide spóirt. We are delighted with the kits and we are sure the fans will be."

Certainly the kits got a reaction of "ohhhhhh-ahhhhhh" when they were shown to fans at last nights match, although they may still have been looking at the arch. The kits will make their début in the away game with Northern Bettia who I understand are well known for their love of alcohol as if Sorthern Northland, I look forward to sampling the bars and pubs over there.

Amda-Mo: Another nice win as the team really seems to like Rahim's style of play .

Lur-Mn: Well lets face it. Rahim didn't craft Bettia into a world power by accident. He absolutely knows what's he's doing. He's doing a great job here and he left Bettia in such a strong state as a soccer country that they're elementary schoolers are dominating other nations best players.

Amda-Mo: You do have to tip your hats to the Bettians for that. Now let's get back to our team. Any special thoughts about the squad?

Lur-Mn: I don't know what there is to say. Both Seoula and El-Iot picked up braces for the third consecutive game and once again Youn chipped in from the bench. When one of the biggest fears is that you're not seeing enough balance in an offense which has seen three players averaging at least a goal a game things are going well.

Amda-Mo: That they are. How much of it is due to the low level of play?

Lur-Mn: Well you certainly can't deny that it's a factor. Our opponents are currently the three bottom teams. No one expects to beat Qazox or Turori this easily. However to maintain such a consistent level of play is the sign of a good team. 17 goals in three games against any competition is great. So while we've yet to play a strong opponent, I think fans should be optimistic, especially considering the turnover. Bolting out of the gates like this is a great sign, as this squad should get better.

Amda-Mo: Get better? Really. That's not something our group mates want to hear.

Lur-Mn: Well it's true. We've got 4.5 new starters, a bunch of new faces on the bench, we lost our playmaker and scorer from last cup, we brought in a new coach and changed formations. It doesn't matter how hard you work or how talented you are, it takes time to gel from that. I don't believe we're anywhere near our full potential yet.

Amda-Mo: I'm sure the fans back home will be glad to hear it. Now onto talk of our next match.

Lur-Mn: Well we face Turori, a nation who we've never actually faced before in world cup play. It'll be interesting to see how we match up with them. Qazox lit into them pretty good, so we'll definitely be looking at that tape to see what we can learn. You'd have to figure we have a sizeable advantage, but Turori is a proud nation so they'll give us their all. Still I think we should win and mostly likely by multiple goals.

Amda-Mo: You think we're that good?

Lur-Mn: Yes. Put simply Qazox is the only team in the group I think stands much chance of coming into Az-cz and winning. When we're on the road it's one thing, but coming into Slime Stadium or the Castle is damned tough on teams.

Amda-Mo: Any other notes from the third round of matches?

Lur-Mn: Well the clear stunner of the day was two-time running semifinalist Zwangzug losing to tiny San Adriano. The Adrianese were ecstatic about such a huge upset, as right they should be. Other than that things went pretty much by the book.

Amda-Mo: I guess that means we won't see Zwangzug spending much time at the top of the rankings like they did last cup. So who will we see there this week?

Lur-Mn: The usual suspects mostly. Here they are:

6. Sel Appa

The Turtles had another fine victory taking down Mallartsland 4-0. They're definitely looking good in validating their third place finish from last cup. It tells you something about the performance of the top teams so far this cup that they're sixth. I think most cups they'd be higher up the list than
this.

5. Cafundeu

Like Sel Appa below them Cafundeu put up a performance worthy of moving up but stayed where they were cause the teams above all held serve, which should tell you something about the rankings. Crusing along nicely so far.

4. Candelaria And Marquez

Another win for these jerks. They're playing well. Let's not dwell on them.

3. Elves Security Forces

With a suprisingly close game against Thundercliffe the Elves slipped a spot. Which isn't to say that they're not doing well, just that they couldn't hold off Bettia.

2. Bettia

The aroras jump up to number two with another fine performance. And with the monks looking like they're not really as humble as they claim that win is looking more impressive all the time.

1. Az-cz

And here we give Bettian fans even more to cheer about as they've got the managers for the two best teams in the world right now. There are solid arguments for Bettia or Elves Security Forces but until someone at least challenges us we'll stay #1 regardless of what happens below us. That's one
of the priveleges of being the champs I think.

Amda-Mo: Well everyone has to be pleased with this start to the cup. See you soon to find out if it continues.

Group leaders meet

The Rouge-et-Noirs travelled to the Unified Capitalizt States for their third qualifying match, to face and hopefully unseat the team at the top of Group two after the first two games: 자스연 (Ch’asŭyŏn). Attending the match at the Sokojito Überdome was famous UCS-born Ariddian singer and musicianChang Xue (http://209.85.135.104/search?q=cache:cECJB_1nL0kJ:ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Chang_Xue+Chang+Xue+NSwiki&hl=fr&ct=clnk&cd=1&gl=fr), visiting family and friends in her country of birth.

“I support both sides, of course,” Ms. Chang said with a smile when asked which team she would be cheering for. “You can’t possibly ask me to choose.”

Any encounter between the Ariddian Isles and a UCS team is bound to hold some ideological undercurrent, and assorted signs could be seen held up by spectators in the gigantic stadium – such as “Go Commies!” or “Capitalizm triumphant!”, or even, somewhat more bizarrely “I want RED in my BED! Commies make better lovers!”. One large portrait held by spectators depicted Ariddian giant goalkeeper Jarl Knudsen (the “Flying Mountain”) with burning red eyes and a bloodied knife between his teeth. Whether this was meant as support for the Ariddians or whether its intent was the opposite remains unclear. Given that there were very few Ariddians in the stadium, most of the pro-communist signs were presumably brought in by locals.

Ariddian midfielder Es Chichirua scored the opening goal, in the twenty-fourth minute, and stuck her tongue out playfully at the crowd. From somewhere in the stadium, a cheerful chant could be heard faintly: “The Reds are coming to get you! The Reds are coming to get you!”

Ha Sŏng-yun (하성윤) soon equalised, however, to thunderous applause and cheers from the home crowd. By contrast, part of the stadium booed whenever Jamilah Shahrour touched the ball. They knew full well that the famous activist was preparing a report (no doubt a scathing one) on human and animal rights abuses in the UCS. The boos intensified when Shahrour scored with a wide grin in the thirty-seventh minute, putting her country back in the lead.

The only goal of the second half came from Yuto Takahara, as the Ariddians secured possession of the ball for most of the period, but the Capitalizt defences held strong on all but one occasion. After the match, Ariddian captain Jeremy Issacs shook hands with his counterpart An Nam-hwa, but, smiling at the cameras, could not help but quip: “It’s a commie win!”

Shahrour bombshell claim

A few hours later, Jamilah Shahrour talked to the press and stated that a local twelve year-old child, whom she did not name, had asked her to take him back to Ariddia, where he would request asylum as a refugee. Shahrour says the child claims to be an orphan with no family whatsoever, who has been living on the streets, begging and stealing, for four years.

“If this is true, then he’s a victim of capitalism, and would be entitled to asylum,” she said. “Obviously we’ll need to verify his situation. He’s still here in the UCS now, and of course we can’t take him anywhere until we know whether he truly has no legal guardians, nobody who can take care of him here.”

Ms. Shahrour said the ideal solution if he is indeed a homeless orphan would be for a local charity in the UCS to take him in, “and make sure he has a roof over his head, food, water, health care, an education and a future.”

http://www.thirdgeek.com/ns/worldcup/graphics/flags/spaam/JSY/ Ch’asŭyŏn 1-3 Ariddian Isles http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/the_ariddian_isles.png

OLHO NO LANCE! YOUR SPORTS MAGAZINE!
$PECIAL $ECTION

WORLD CUP 38 QUALIFIERS COVERAGE - WITH GLOBO MULTIMEDIA
Written by Sílvio Ruiz, with comments from TV made by Breno Gavião

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CAFUNDÉU ENFIA MAIS QUATRO NO ADVERSÁRIO EM OUTRO BOM DESEMPENHO, MAS LAURO É VAZADO

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/5895/w848618fv3.jpg
Ferreira commemorates goal: the last of the game

Another game in the World Cup qualifiers. After two good victories, the Monopolists travelled to Solenial, expecting another good result and three more points. And it happened, as Cafundéu played well again and scored more four goals. Solenial was able to score a goal, but since the beginning of the game it was clear that it would be very difficult for them to avoid a loss. Now, Cafundéu must get prepared for an important game: the home game against the main rivals, Estresse Intenso. Everyone wants to see a big win against those republicans!

Changes and Absences: none.
Formation: very offensive 4-4-2, same as first game’s.
Opponent: we could only recognize one player: an attacker, who is a hot dog seller. We don’t know his name, just that he sells hot dogs.

THE FIRST HALF: as predicted, Cafundéu played with its second away kit, the black one. The decision didn’t seem the best one, as the game was played during afternoon and the climate was hot. But this didn’t stop the Monopolists. Since the first minute, it was clear that Solenial would have to work hard to stop Braddock’s very offensive strategy. The first chance came after Heitor made an excellent pass to Flecha, whose shot was blocked by the goalkeeper. But, minutes after, Neto took a free kick and scored the first goal of the game. After that, Solenial tried to reply in a counterattack. The ball was passed to the Hot Dog Seller, but he missed the shot.

Cafundéu continued to press the opponent. The attackers were able to take the ball from the defenders many times, but most shots went over the bar. Solenial had few chances, most of them using their playmaker, but Lauro and the defenders were secure. As the Monopolists were already winning the game, the result seemed pretty secure, but another goal was wanted to give more peacefulness to the visitor team. And Flecha scored. After Rato dribbled two opponents and invaded the area, passing the ball to Flecha, who had just to touch the ball to score. But, one minute before the end of the half, Marcelinho lost the ball in the midfield, and the Hot Dog Seller shot soon after receiving the ball, scoring the goal.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 1 (Solenial’s goal): “Eduarrrrrdo gets the ball and passes it to Marrrrrcelinho, who has plenty of space to prrrrreparrrrre an attack. He stops... and loses the ball, he didn’t notice the opponent apprrrrroaching him! The ball is passed to the Hot Dog Seller, shoots frrrrrom outside the arrrrrea... and it’s a goal. Goal for Solenial! The Hot Dog Seller scorrrrres! Solenial one, Cafundéu two! And I think that the rrrrreferrrrree will end the firrrrrst half now. The parrrrradise of the women is in Beleza Pura! Lipstick, mascarrrrra and everrrrrything rrrrrelated to makeup in this big shop! Check our prrrrrices!”

http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/9334/01084330500ch8.jpg
The Hot Dog seller commemorates his goal

THE SECOND HALF: Braddock seemed satisfied with the team’s performance, and mantained the same players. And it worked well, as in the first minute Heitor was able to score, receiving the ball from Léo Mattos, dribbling the goalkeeper and entering inside the net with the ball. Things seemed perfect for some minutes, while the Monopolists were controlling the ball well. But Marcelinho did another mistake that nearly resulted in another goal of the Hot Dog Seller. After that, Vergara entered in his place. After that, it was time to test Ferreira, and he entered in Flecha’s place.

The team continued to work well, but the attacks weren’t so efficient, and it seemed that the visitors relaxed, satisfied with the already positive result. But Ferreira received a pass from Heitor in the thirty-second minute. Looked at the goal, passed the ball back to Heitor and went to the area. The experienced attacker crossed, and Ferreira headed the ball to score the goal. After that, nothing changed in the game, and the remaining goal chances were missed.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 2 (Heitor’s goal): “And the second half starrrrrrts! The ball goes to Anorrrrrrmal, who passes it to Léo Mattos in the rrrrright wing. The winger waits for an opportunity... a long rrrrranged pass, Heitor gets the ball, invades the arrrrrrea, faces the goalkeeper, drrrrribbles him and... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! I want to see this rrrrreplay morrrrre than once! Heitor, number eleven! Cafundéu thrrrrree, Solenial one! Has prrrrroblems with prrrrreparrrrring food? Your prrrrroblems have ended! The new Ultimate Mega Hot Superb Power Delicious Efficient Oven is the ultimate weapon for your kitchen! Call us and buy it now!”

CURIOUS MOMENTS: this game was very common, without many strange or interesting moments to be noted here. But, approximately ten minutes after the end of the game, we were able to see a desperated Vergara. He was looking for his wedding ring. He had to deliver it to the referee when he entered in the game, and lost it after that. The referee said that he returned the ring to Carlos, but the player seemed to lost it on the field. Carlos said that, if he returned to his house without his ring, his wife would hurt him, as she is a jealous person. After fifteen minutes looking for the ring, our friend Jorge Lang found it inside the goal, and Vergara was relieved.

JORGE LANG - INTERVIEWS: more interviews, made by me, of course. And, following the tradition, I asked the coach Franz Braddock first, wanting to know about his opinion of the game. He said: “I think that the performance of this game was in the same level of the previous ones, which is a good thing, as regularity it’s an important factor to evaluate the quality of a group, and this group seems perfect. But the next game will be a key game, and we need to be more cautious.”

After that, I asked Ferreira, who scored a goal. He said: “I must thank the teacher (coach) for putting me on the game. I am happy to score a goal, this will be important in my search for a place in the National Team, I want to stay here as long as possible.” The defender Léo Mattos said: “Now, to the next game. It would be great to destroy Estresse Intenso, our main rivals. I am looking forward for it.”

BEST PLAYERS OF THE GAME (Ruiz’s opinion): although the Hot Dog Seller had a good performance, I won’t put him among the best players of this game. So, once again, only players from Cafundéu. Rato had a good performance, creating many plays, and Léo Mattos was great in the right wing. But Heitor made an assist and scored a goal, so he was the best player of the game, in my opinion.

BRENO GAVIÃO’S MOMENT 3 (Ferreira’s goal): “Cafundéu holds the ball in the attack, with Rrrrrato. Heitor gets the ball, passes it to Ferrrrrrrreirrrrra. The attacker will have difficulties to invade the arrrrrrea, so he rrrrrreturrrrrns the ball to Heitor, who is in the rrrrright wing now. He looks at the arrrrrea, crrrrrrosses the ball... Ferrrrrrrreirrrrra to the heading... look at the goal, look at the goal! GOOOOOOOOOOAL! For Cafundéu! Replay this one! Ferreira, number nineteen! Cafundéu four, Solenial one! Everrrrryday in your house, with the newest news of our countrrrrry and of the worrrrrld! This is O Jutense newspaper, the biggest of Cafundéu!”

http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/514/6244936694gazz8.jpg
The Hot Dog seller faces Anormal

SOLENIAL 1x4 CAFUNDÉU

Place: ...
Attendance: (please ignore this blank space)
Referee: Timo Grösser (Geisenfried).
MOTM: Heitor (Cafundéu).

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/solenial.png SOLENIAL: no team released.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/cafundeu.png CAFUNDÉU: Lauro; Léo Mattos, Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal (Souza 79’), Marcelinho (Vergara 60’), Rato and Neto; Heitor and Flecha (Ferreira 70’).
Coach: Franz Braddock.

Goals:SOL: the Hot Dog Seller 45’+.
CAF: Neto 5’ , Flecha 43’ , Heitor 46’ , Ferreira 77’.

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Cafundéu – formation for game against Estresse Intenso: Lauro; Léo Mattos, Toninho, Eduardo Monte and Carlão; Anormal, Vergara, Rato and Neto; Heitor and Flecha.
Coach: Franz Braddock.
Style of +3

Match’s Referee: Fr. Lucas the Fair One (The Archregimancy) - (ranked 1 in the World) - chosen after CCFM’s complaints about Garth Valxen being chosen to whistle the game (he’ll whistle the second game between the teams).

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Goalscorers after 3 games:

5- Flecha
3- Heitor
1- Toninho, Marcelinho, Ferreira and Neto

Sanadrianese cause major upset

The football team from San Adriano today stunned themselves and anyone who’s ever heard of them by pulling off an incredible victory against the team from Zwangzug, on Zwangzug’s home ground. The Sanadrianese, with six players in defensive positions and a mostly defensive three-person midfield, protected their goalcage flawlessly throughout a ninety minute struggle and several close calls.

Zwangzug, set to be the leading power in Group 10 after two consecutive crushing victories over Scotchpinestan (4-1) and New Morissia (5-1), were expected to flatten the Sanadrianese minnows by a wide margin. Instead, the Sanadrianese battled heroically to keep them at bay and –more incredible still– scored the only goal of the match when Ase Shau swung a perfect shot on a magnificent pass from Carlo de Rossi. The home crowd looked stunned when the visitors took the lead in the fifty-ninth minute, and the atmosphere in the stadium was tense with anxiety as the Zwangzug side sought an equaliser in vain.

When the whistle blew, the Sanadrianese players (wearing their yellow, green and red away kits (http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/8532/kitssaqh8.png) for the first time) burst into shouts of joy, hugging one another incredulously.

Thanks to the generosity of Starblaydi company ediraf, almost the entire Sanadrianese population was present in the stadium, and able to share in the intense joy of their team’s exploit. Among them was the Sanadrianese monarch, Princess Serena, together with her husband Prince Willem, their two children (including Crown Prince Mauro) and three grandchildren.

“We’re all very proud of what our team has done today,” Her Royal Highness Princess Serena said with a small, graceful smile. “I would also like to express my admiration for the team of Zwangzug, who were, of course, a difficult and skillful opponent.”

Her Royal Highness has already met briefly with members of Zwangzug’s government, and will be dining with the nation’s leaders this evening, strengthening diplomatic relations between the two countries.

Today’s match is considered by far the most impressive victory in the history of Sanadrianese football. It is only the third time the minuscule village-nation has won a Word Cup match, after two 1-0 victories over Spaamanian Plijous forty-four years ago.

Amazingly, San Adriano is now in sixth place in its qualifying group. After just three games, they have achieved far more than they had ever hoped to accomplish.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/zwangzug.png Zwangzug 0-1 San Adriano http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/san_adriano.png

Tunk was talking to this Jeru FC team after the world champs Az-cz beat them 5-1. not that Jeru FC was expected to win this game.

Tunk
"Team, let us forget this game. That was the World Champion and well, we're just Jeru FC. We lost badly because they are the World Champs. Look, even Jeruselem have trouble beating them so don't fret. Just work hard for the next game, because Jeru FC aren't going win this cup. Our main aim to give our ranking a kick, say into the top 50. So, let's see if can pick a win or two. If we lose against the big teams, that's life. We're a nobody, people know that but we can make an impact. If it comforts you, our Princess sent us an SMS saying we tried really hard against the best. I can't say anymore, you didn't play badly but we justed played the best team around. That's all."

Pansy Petal: can we see the SMS from the Princess?
Tunk: Err, if you really want to. It's interesting.

The team take Tunk's mobile phone and watch the Video message.

Tunk:
"Yes, I'd thought you'd like the Princess in bikini with mouse ears, whispers and tail. I'm not so sure she's a good dancer though."

Team:
"We love our Princess! It doesn't matter if she can't dance."

"Oh dear," said Norman Hacker at the airport, "my passport appears to have expired!!! What a blow, I will not be able to travel to Milchama. See you, girls."

Before anyone could move Hacker was off, heading back to Maitland as quickly as his little legs could carry him.

"Well, girls...we're on our own..."

"Again..."

***
The Milchaman crowd rose as one to applaud off the Blue Tits, er, Swifts. They had kept the home side down to a single goal victory with Flar rising above Grady in the Wentland defence to head home on the hour. It was a shattered team that crawled off the pitch, to be welcomed with bunches of flowers from the Milchaman association which Anna Kumble accepted with good grace.

***

"Flowers? FLOWERS!! What the bloody heck's FLOWERS for??"

"Yeah, they think we're a bunch of bloody girls...we'll show them..."

"Who's our next match against? Lovisa?"

"We'll bloody DO them!!! No chance!!! Bostopia have mullered them!! EASY!!!"

Anna Kumble hurled the flowers in the bin. "We'll show them. We WILL show them. And we'll show that Hacker. He is going to coach us, like it or not, and we are going to show that we're just as good as those men..."

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c58/Krytenia/Niblets.png

Things I have learned from reporting on the World Cup:


Boasting you are better than someone will see you lose the next match. Badly. The Men In Mauve seemed to get a bit of a Viannor complex when it came to playing Krytenia. This usually led to a defeat at the hands of the Cyan Army. Beware, Prax...
Everyone has a bogey team. Kipto-Mare, for instance. The number of times we drew nil-nil with them...
Predictions will always be wrong. For instance: "If Starblaydia win the World Cup, I will change my name to Rameses Niblick III." Oh for the days when people called me Daniel...
Fools rush in where journos fear to tread. There's one hack every year who claims their team will win the World Cup - then see their team fall flat on their face in qualifying.
Sarzonia > Krytenia > Rejistania > Sarzonia. One of the strange foibles of international football, a cyclic infinity of RAWRCRUSH stopped only by the fact that Sarzonia doesn't actually exist any more.
Jeremy Jaffacake is a very scary man. Met him once. The guy must have a liver of pure lead and sawdust, and testicles to match.
Dazza Dallas is not a dumb blonde. Seriously, she's like a newspaper editor in the body of a supermodel. Garnished with a libido the size of Vephrall.
The Überdome is big. Really, really big. You need a telescope to watch matches from the Press Box. Worth it for the goals though!


And so, to Limbrogidlia. One-all the score, and, to be honest, nothing to write home about. So I'm not going to bother; instead, I'm just going to get my superstitions in order for good luck against Quakmybush.

- RN3

Win, Loss for the Disputed Territories

Sentu: Year 959 A.N [After Nire]Nire and Nire are celebrating their second win the World Cup 38 qualification after a superb 3-1 victory over The Green Wombat in Sentu. For the first time ever the Nire and Nire team played in Nire at the newly completed Nire International Stadium. The atmosphere was festive and hopes were high for a victory in 'The Fortress' despite the Bulls recent 1-5 thrashing at the hands of Lovisa in neighbouring Efet. Youn Grand struck twice with Juan Rello continuing his fine run of form adding the third. Rello (16) has now scored 5 goals in his 5 appearances for Nire and Nire.

Today, during a break in qualification, Coach Sohot took a reserve squad to Southern Northland to give his youngsters a chance of proving themselves. While losing 3-0 Sohot was pleased with the performance of his reserves stating that "I am confident now that if any of out top team is injured then we have the strength in depth to fill that gap."

Focus now turns to the upcoming home match against East Lithuania. Little is known about our next opponents, but with Nire and Nire sitting third in group 7 confidence is high that another sell-out crowd at the Nire International Stadium can spur the Mighty Bulls on to victory.

Ends

Scene: The Ancient Realm of Nire - 15,000 B.N [Before Nire]
The Great Mystic of Nire is renowned throughout the ancient world for her wisdom and counsel. Leaders from far and wide travel to the distant realm of Nire to seek advice and to receive prophecies. The Great Mystic was meditating to the soft sounds of the lava running beneath when a terrifying vision came to her. The world was plunged into darkness for a thousand years, a darkness so deep that even satan himself would not dare tread the land of Nire. With a shock she awoke and uttered these words: "A thousand years of darkness will befall this great land. But out of the shadows will emerge a great leader who will lead Nire back into the light. Born in fire this leader will overcome many setbacks, his path will be unusual but one day he will conquer the world and Nire will be freed forever."

Scene: The Disputed Territories of Nire and Nire - 959 A.N
Coach Lexit Sohot was contemplating his mission. He had been lucky to survive after being knocked out of the Baptism of Fire in the quarter-finals. A solid start to World Cup 38 qualification meant his place was secure for now, but that could quickly change. Sohot knew what football meant to Nire and Nire. After over 900 years of oppressive rule at the hands of Supreme Dicktator Nire his people were clinging to the hope that the Mighty Bulls provided. Two wins from three matches had Nireans and Nireans in a jubilant mood for the first time in living memory, he only hoped that he could continue to provide hope to this once great nation, now bitterly divided by one man.

It was the big friendly, the Jeruselem national against it's little brother the Jeru FC army team. In paper, Kate Dallas and company vs the bunch of army losers. Jeru Fc had travelled to Magnus Valerius, and thumped the locals 4-0 in a game where it looked the army boys had chance of beating the national team. But at Dazza Dallas stadium, the Princess and her team proved they were still better. The game was "dirty" not the way, people tried to hurt each other - it was more the Jeru FC players made every attempt to put their hands on the Jeruselem female players. It probably explained why they didn't win either losing 1-4.

The game had start late due to attempts from protesters attempting to block people from entering the stadium. This was soon corrected with Imperial Stormtroopers breaking up the protesters. One protester shouting obscenities pulled out a gun but he was shot down before he could shot anyone. After that, the protesters left hastily.

Later some rowdy Jeruselemites, shouted things at the Princess when she was playing. They were quickly removed by stadium security. Some of them tried to jump on field and get to the Princess but plucky Jeru FC players defended their Princess to allow security to do their job.

Dazza:
Hello! I'm Dazza Dallas aka The Bike, this is THE FOOTBALL LIFE. I'm with Jeruselem captain Kate Dallas, who happens to be my daughter and Jeru FC striker Pansy Petal. We're at the Dazza Dallas stadium, for friendly between the two Jeruselem teams.

Kate: Hi everyone.
Pansy: A good day to the people of Jeruselem.

Dazza:
First things, hard game there Kate. The scoreline didn't reflect how hard it was to win this game.

Kate:
Well, yes and no. There was no doubt we'd win but those Jeru FC boys were determined to get all touchy feely. Actually I feel a bit horny after all that. Really.

Dazza:
Yes, we are sensitive girls to touch. Pansy, what were the Jeru FC boys up to?

Pansy:
Well, not much self control really. Our minds went off football as soon as we looked at Scooter and those Dallas girls. I wasn't affected though. I apologise on behalf of Jeru FC for putting hand prints all over the Jeruselem team's jerseys. As you can see, Skate is covered with them."

Dazza:
Great goal, you're a good striker.

Pansy:
Yes, but I'm no Kate Dallas. I'm wannabe.

Kate:
We could have score more goals but well ... all that wrestling by the Jeru FC team didn't help. I don't blame them though, they are nice people still if just woman-crazy.

Dazza:
Pansy Petal, I heard you're trying emulate us.

Pansy:
Yes, I'm the girl of the team - even if I'm not actually female. It think Bikes and Skates are good for Jeruselem. So do my teammates, they think you are grand. One team member is a bit obsessive though.

Dazza:
"Kate, you think Jeru FC can qualify?"

Kate:
"Err, no. They need a bit of luck to go their way first. I think with the Gnomes in their group, not to mention they need God's help as well."

Pansy:
"I agree, we need divine intervention from the Gods"

Dazza: And these protesters? Your opinion.
Kate: Well, there's always people who want show dissent. Do it on the streets, not when we play football.
Pansy: Being an army person, I'll defend my Princess. None of them will get to our Kate. It's our job.

"Okay Ladies and Gentlemen! The Eighteenth Annual Cornerian Boat Race Championships are about to begin! The Pool play matchups are listed on the board. Remember, Two wins put you in the next round- two losses, and you're out."

Jimmy and Ryan looked at each other and nodded. "Okay, Andy and Rob should be here any minute, and our first match is in 15 minutes." Jimmy said, checking his watch.

"What table?" Ryan asked.

"23. I'll hang outside and watch for them."

Ryan sat down at the table, Tob and Rolly already sitting there, watching. "Where's our other two? They better show, we're not losing this year."

"Don't worry, they'll show." Ryan said, turning to see Andy and Rob approach the table.

"Who's going to get drunk today, eh boys?!?" Andy yelled as a flurry of manly high fives and hugs ensued.

"Damn, I haven't seen you guys in months. Where the hell did you go?" Tob said, sitting back down.

"Meh, pointless semester at Wheeler Tech. That's over, thankfully, so now we're back to get this damn trophy."

"Damn right!" Tob yelled, pounding the table.

A waitress delivered the beers for the match- one for each, plus two extras- setting them in front of each, as well as one for ech member of the opposition, sitting across the table. The referee, complete with striped shirt, walked up to the table. "Gentlemen, I'm sure you know the rules." Twelve nods were his reply. "Then, prepare for drinking. On your marks, ready, drink!"

---

Tob yawned and woke up in the middle of the yard, romantically caressing a trophy and missing his pants. Streching, he stood up and looked around for said pants, which were unfortunately absent.

Walking into the house, he held out the trophy. "Well, we won, at least. Anyone see my pants?"

"Not after you threw them at that waitress."

---

Eight minutes later, after Tob had replaced his pants, bowls of chocolatey breakfast cereal had been distributed, and the markerboard had been set on it's stand and the dry erase marker found in a dirty sock, the "Committee to figure out what we did while drunk" was convened.

"Okay. We know the night started with a drinking contest." Tob said, writing "2000- Drinking Contest" at the top of the board.

"That's when we had our first of the evening, at any rate." Jimmy said.

"Right. Opening rounds of the drinking contest ended at 2130, including play-ins, and the finals began at 2200. This we can establish from the schedule for the evening, which Rolly had procured and left here at the house." The rest nodded, most in mid-chew.

"From the trophy, which says "First Place", we can establish that we were at the bar until the awards ceremony at 2330, at which point we either won or stole the first place trophy."

"I think we actually won that one- I sent a lot of celebratory text messages to myself by accident." Andy said.

"Right. So at four nils, we had all imbued at least seven beers- the three group beers, Octos, Quarters, Semis, and the Final beers."

"I might have had more- I was the anchor." Jimmy said.

"Noted." Tob said, writing the level of beer consumption on the board.

"We paid the tab at 0050." Rob said, nodding.

"How do you know?"

"Because that's when we got kicked out for you throwing your pants at the waitress. I had to pay the tab, by the way. Twenty-four and Eight."

Jimmy nodded. "That indicates we each drank about two more- Ryan was probably drinking Bloodys, hence the extra eight."

Tob noted. "So we left the bar, I was pantsless, and we were twenty-four and eight in the hole."

"I recall them trying to blame us for the road sign out front missing as well." Rollo said.

"Pfft, there were Bostopians there, it's far more likely they did it." Adam said.

"True."

"Okay, at any rate, we know we were at least out for another 10 minutes, because the walk is at least that long." Ryan added.

"Yup." Jimmy said, standing up.

"Oh balls!"

"What?" Jimmy said, spinning.

"I think you need to look in a mirror, Jimmy." Jimmy blinked and ran off, cursing. "There's nothing here."

"Check the back."

"Oh fuck! Fuck fuck fuck!" Jimmy yelled.

"What did he do?" Rob asked, leaning back and looking down the hall towards the bathroom.

"Someone wrote 'Jimmy do one, bruv' on his back." Jimmy was walking back to the couch, sighing, before he stopped in front of a bedroom. "Um... Ryan?"

"Yes?"

"Some dude with a road sign is in your bed, sleeping."

"Oh god."

The Albrecht Herald
Happy match provides pleasant interval
By Tracker Edwards

Mark Baker’s Big Blues retained their undefeated record in the World Cup 38 cycle after a mutually satisfactory one-all draw with Zwangzug.

For the visitors, one suspected the scheduling of the game represented a minor annoyance; coming off the back of a 1-0 home defeat to the tiny village-nation of San Adriano, Mcgimpy would surely have preferred his team to face a more confidence-boosting tie than taking the Flying Pig out to a obscure island with a single worrying runway, to face one of the world’s form teams on their home turf.

For C&M, the match-up represented a rather greater on-pitch test against double semi-finalists as well as, more to the point, an important symbolic couple of hours. In theory, the choice of venue of Marlow Park, Zapata was supposed to be celebratory of the recent twinning of the large Green Island port with the city of Bassabook, Zwangzug.

That arrangement was very much in evidence, with a variety of frankly tedious emblematic gestures, hand-shakes and such forth between members of Zapata’s twinning association, the Island’s Prime Minister Michael Ferrington and the two Members of the House for the City; Charity Morini and Fabien McCarthy, and their various Zwangzugian counterparts (or at least those the notoriously disorganised state had managed to cobble together to stand-in as such). There was a genuinely jolly atmosphere of mutual backslapping, while the dual scarves for Green Island Zapata FC and the Bassabook Grey Socks (apparently an error by the local manufacturers who stuck on the major baseball club of the city by mistake) were doing a roaring trade. For all that, by the time an increasingly impatient Zwangzugian diplomat was receiving a locally produced fish dish from the Allied Trawlermen of Zapata; most of the sell-out 28,912 crowd were extremely eager for the game to get underway.

For the country as a whole, the choice of venue and opposition by the Candelaria And Marquez Association Football Association represented a wise option. The previous time these two sides had met had ended in a 1-0 victory for the away team in Albrecht; but most Candelariasians – even myself included – struggled to remember that, such was the match overshadowed by the Freedom Party marches that day that descended into a series of ugly running battles with police throughout the afternoon and early evening, and resulted in the deaths of a young female protester and an innocent Muslim resident of the city who found himself the unwitting victim on the far-right thugs’ impotent rage.

Few inside the Millerman Sheppard Stadium that day could concentrate on the game as the noise of the riots outside drowned out the chants inside, while few could avoid seeing the dozen-or-so C&M fans forcibly ejected from the ground after violently anti-Islamic chanting. That the objects of their indignation – two Bettian-born terror suspects and the Turkish community in the capital that were alleged to have harboured them – soon turned out to be utterly innocent, only added to the Candelarias’ shame on that day.

With Zapata a city often blighted in the past by its once inseparable relationship with the white supremacist Shoemaker Club; the Marlow Park clash represented the perfect opportunity to show to the world that C&M was an open, fair-minded, tolerant and welcoming republic, as well as to wipe away the events of the large C&M-Zwangzug game and replace them with a set of memories more worthy of savouring. That, by chance, the C&M starting XI included a practising Muslim striker (Yasser Zaghloul) and ethnic Han midfielder (Fred Ma) only helped to add to the all-hands-together mood.

In its primary purpose then, the game was clearly successful though as a spectacle it was hardly up there with the very best of matches. No game involving a team with no goalkeeper can ever be dull, but both sides had made several changes and seemed more interested in trying out new formations, players and partnerships than engaging in a genuinely competitive match. In a no-doubt politically-motivated move; all four of Zwangzug’s CMSC-based players started the game, though it was a regular starter and scoring in Peter Vanderpent who opened the scoring after a fraught first few minutes. The surely one-off defensive partnership of Sam Young and Lorenzo De Wilde could take the blame for failing to adequately track Arrigo Portuguese midfielder Ursula Lauren as she motored aggressively into the box and found Vanderpent unmarked. The Albrecht FC star had the beating of his club team-mate Young all ends up, but still had a lot to do to fire past debutant Big Blues ‘keeper Harry Primrose.

Despite the several changes to personnel and shape, as well as being a goal down, C&M were far from second best in the first half and their traditional controlling 4-4-2 stopped Zwangzug from making many early inroads. As ever, it was the wingers who made the greatest impact as O’Sullivan Caras and Zachary Pinkowski began to test Andrew Card and Michael Sheldon for pace and trickery. Pinkowski was unfortunate not to find Zaghloul in the area on two occasions around the half-hour mark, but it was Caras who finally did the damage getting in behind Lauren and streaking in the box to be fouled by Sheldon. Home star Stuart Vidakovic took the subsequent penalty, and scored, unsurprisingly.

Zwangzug were unlucky not to get a penalty of their own early in the second half through a clear Walter Jordan hand-ball, and hit the woodwork through Vanderpent. The Green Island pair of Ben Head and Vidakovic then almost combined to take the lead for the home side, but Bart Hanson made an important interception on the line.

A host of substitutions saw the game peter out into nothingness, though Reiban Okeke on for Ma came within a dreadlock of getting on the end of a Caras cross and Philip Stings – scorer of the only goal the last time the two sides met – tested Martinez three times in quick succession late on.

For all the chances it was far from scintillating stuff, but the game’s real function had been satisfied, and the fans went home happy with their afternoon’s work.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/Candelaria And Marquez.png Candelaria And Marquez 1
Vidakovic pen 40

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/Zwangzug.png Zwangzug 1
Vanderpent 20

***

Daniel Martino, principal private secretary to Lyndon Hernández the Chair of the Candelaria And Marquez House of Representatives All-Party Group on Rushmori Agricultural Subsidies and (less officially) Minister for Rational Thought, surveyed the scene laid out in front of him with a delicately raised eyebrow.

“Gosh. Well, it’s certainly a… field, sir.”

“The markings were done last night. Under the cover of darkness. Really Dan, stop fretting. It’ll be fine.”

“And you really think they’re going to buy this?” Martino wondered, shaking his head. “You don’t think our new rodenty friends are going to wonder why there’s no fans watching the C&M team play?”

Hernández waved an encompassing arm.

Martino sucked his cheeks in. “They’re all government agents, sir.”

“Yes, but in dungarees and carrying pitchforks.”

“The straw hats are a nice touch,” Martino conceded. “They won’t wonder though why they’re playing in the back arse of beyond rather than downtown Albrecht, though?”

“I did consider having a ‘Welcomme to Albrechte Population 312’ sign stuck up half a mile down the road,” Hernández admitted. “But look; most other countries go on extended tours of the nation for their home games, don’t they? The ol’ rooj ett noowar are playing a game in the bloody Arctic, aren’t they? If they inquire, we’ll just point out that we played our last game out on Green Island, and this one’s…”

“In Southerntown, South-West Candelaria,” Martino finished for him. “What about the locals?”

“It’s getting on for winter, isn’t it? The harvest’s over; they’ll all be indoors… knitting, or something, I dunno. Or logging, up east. Or at school in the next village over. Nobody’s going to notice, and if they do…”

“We’ll just say they’re inbred and slash or off their heads on cider?”

“I know people don’t always trust the government here, Dan, but who are they going to believe on the issue of football-playing mice? The Home Office; or Festus P. McGuckin from Southerntown? Relax. They play the game; we get the mice outta here and our players back to Albrecht to play against ‘Zemyzha Myzhent’… Job’s a good’un. What could possibly go wrong?”

***

It was a bright autumnal morning when the jet came nosily out of the sky, skipped down the main road, and came to a juddering halt opposite the Badger & Bedsheets. Zeke Najdoski quietly dropped his pint of Olde English to the ground and listened as intently as he could manage under the circumstances.

“Mr. RedMouse? ‘Tis a pleasure to meet you, sir. I’m Mr. Hernández, from the Foreign Ministry? We spoke on the phone, yes. This is Mark Baker, coach of our national team…”

“Squeak.”

“’Ow do.”

“And this is Benji Fu, team captain.”

“Squeak.”

“Thanks yeah, you too.”

“Squeak..?”

“I know, Steve – may I call you Steve? It’s probably not the bubbling metropolis you’re used to, but we’re only a small country, you know? We have to make do. I’m sure it’ll be an excellent game though. The pitch is just over there, by the way, if you’d like to train on the surface before the match this afternoon.”

“Squeak?”

“No, no. That’s just the morning dew. I can assure you, the paint’s perfectly dry…”

Zeke looked down in the vague direction of the discarded bottle and uttered a long, drawn-out groan.

As the rest of the team exited the aircraft that bore them over to the destination, ie Candelaria And Marquez. Steven seemingly accepted what Mr. Hernández at face value.

Steven Red Mouse squeaked "Alright, team, we're going to practice on pitch, this afternoon for now. I just want you to get some rest. It was a long trip and we need to get back home, ASAP."

He was linking in with their hopes perfectly as if he knew exactly what was going on, but he couldn't surely know. While the mice they met, were roughly in human proportions, it was easy to forget that there was more to these mice than meets the eye, and the fact that normal field mice, which would usually inhabit these areas, especially when there was alot of grain in storehouses. Would know exactly what was going on, but mice where a creative bunch, and any payback would be done not in an agressive way, but in a comical and yet insightful way.

While other mice arrived, determined that the package, whatever it was had arrived in Candelaria And Marquez, of course, they used the cover of watching the match... but surely nothing would go wrong and they'd either find it or realise that it wasn't there... right?

NOV 24 1933 (Vephrall)

What a nice way to kill a day in Vephrall, witha 4-0 win over one of the Co-hosts. Didn't bother turning on the Bionics, since they're supposed to be used only during qualifiers. But the team didn't know that, and they still won.

Dr. Hadel has proposed that the "Mind over Matter" approach bears interest, seeing as the team played as if the enhancements were on. But I stopped that thought. Granted they played good without them, but the benefits of having them far outweigh the alternative.

An interesting piece of information came into my possession earlier this day, the Top 6 list from Az-cz. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, Qazox was not in the top 6, but Az-cz is, despite playing far weaker competition than us. Good, let those little thieves underestimate us, while we wait to crush them.


SCORING SUMMARY (Doesn't Count towards Goal Totals):
(Qazox) Griffey: 16'; Tripp: 24', Fry: 63' , Fry 88
(Vephrall) NONE

Merano Regency
"Cloud ten"?


Arianna Ceccoli, defender on the San Adriano national football team, said that they would be "on cloud nine" if they drew a match. And well she might: her nation's population is less than five hundred, and the team was, to put it lightly, not expected to be a major force. It also plays a very defensive style-Ceccoli is one of six starting defenders-and would have celebrated a draw as a moral victory.

Matchday three, however, didn't seem the time for such an outcome. San Adriano was visiting Zwangzug, ranked fourth in the world. And, as predicted, it was not a draw. What happened instead drew the eyes of the world.

Through the first half and into the second, neither team could make headway. It was clear that nobody had expected the match to be as close as it was: while the Zwangzug players were frustrated, the Sanadrianese were exhilarated.

Then, in the fifty-ninth minute, San Adriano midfielder Carlo de Rossi passed the ball to his team's lone attacker, Ase Shau, who sent it into the net. While Zwangzug's fans were dumbstruck, the several hundred Sanadrianese cheered like many times their number, and positively roared when the whistle blew with the final scoreline: San Adriano one, Zwangzug zero.

Meanwhile, Serena Eu, the reigning monarch of San Adriano, met with Zwangzug leaders. The nations have formal diplomatic relations, and several Zwangzug students studying in San Adriano are expected to watch the return leg.

"Ms. Eu is a quite remarkable woman," said Travis Mason (leader of the Progressive Traditionalists in Parliament), "who leads a very remarkable nation." The Composite Minister, in turn, expressed admiration for the Sovereign Village-and its team's strategies.

The Zwangzug team remains on top of group ten.

San Adriano beats Starblaydia

That’s the kind of headline you mighy expect to find in a satirical magazine, where it would instantly be dismissed as a humorous impossibility. No doubt many readers stumbling across it in Starblaydia and elsewhere initially thought it was a joke.

Starblaydi players, and representatives of ediraf, were greeted at the Palace by Her Royal Highness Princess Serena, for a conversation and tea with Her Majesty. Then both teams were driven over to the Sanadrianese National Stadium, outside the country, for the friendly match.

The Sanadrianese players stood respectfully to face the Raiigar, looking suitably impressed. If they were awed by the war dance, however, it did not put them off from offering their visitors quite a challenge. Going by the safest and most familiar tactics, the villagers fell back rapidly into mostly defensive playing, attempting to block the Starblaydi’s access to Pacchiano’s goalcage.

The tactic had worked well against Zwangzug, but it was nonetheless a tremendous surprise when Ase Shau scored the opening goal of the match (40’) against Starblaydia too, and the former World Champions faced having to play catchup against the World Cup’s tiniest minnows.

Fired up by the possibility of another incredible win –or even simply a draw– the Sanadrianese clung to their defences tenaciously, and struggled valiantly through the remainder of the game. The match ended, and the minuscule village-nation had astonished itself once more, defeating Starblaydia by one goal to nil.

“I’m exhausted!” defender and former international referee Arianna Ceccoli said, smiling. “Starblaydia didn’t let us lower our guard even for a moment. I think this match has been incredibly useful for us… and gosh, who’d have thought we’d win? I hope the Starblaydis enjoyed visiting our country. I hear all the kids in the village asked them for autographs. It was lovely to meet them and play against them.”

As for Ase Shau, the lone attacker is being fêted as the great revelation and star of Sanadrianese football.

“He scores goals!” one supporter marvels. “He’s a Sanadrianese who actually scores goals! Against teams like Starblaydia and Zwangzug! This is wonderful!”

The entire country must be at least on cloud eleven after its spectacular performance so far, but players are mindful that they still have a long way to go. Their participation in World Cup 38 is only just beginning.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/san_adriano.png San Adriano 1-0 Starblaydia http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/starblaydia.png

The Entomologist
The Pazhujeb Islands' Leading Insect Study Journal

Translated from Pazhujebi to English by Tertius Shajarrayam

Whipscorpion Spray To Be Used In New Vinegrette

As a fellow scientist, I have spent years working with venomous creatures, trying to figure out how they have developed such fascinating mechanisms to release their trademark poisons. So when Sudhir Phuturej invited me to his Vuke labs to check out some of his latest studies, I jumped at the opportunity.

"This is the whipscorpion lab," Phuturej says as he leads me into a black-walled lab. "I like to keep them in a dark environment, it makes them less hostile. You know what happens in this country when carnivorous insects get pissed off en masse.

"So anyway, this is the synthesis station." We are now standing in from of a flat and horizontal reddish panel, about waist height. A black light illuminates the tiny space. "When we introduce a specimen to the environment," he says as a two-inch-long black whipscorpion crawls out of a holding cell, "and give it an impetus," he says as he uses a simple pair of tweezers to grab the insect's leg, "it will release its trademark spray."

A stinky odor fills the room, and I recognize it immediately. Whipscorpions release a liquid venom both in defense against predators and in hunting prey; this is the stench I am noticing.

"We have wondered for years what that dreadful stink is. We know that whipscorpion venom is mostly acetic acid: effectively vinegar. And that makes sense, squirt acid on a foe and it almost certainly does something bad. But what else is in there? You can smell it, Mahatma; there is something else in there."

"It stinks," I say, holding my nose.

"Yes, and perhaps that is deliberate," he responds. "But as a scientist, you want to know what it is that's making that smell, and what else it might do."

He pinches the scorpions leg again, this time holding a petri dish near the insect. The spray hits the petri dish, and immediately Phuturej pulls back to apply one or two chemical isolators to the scorpion venom. Small pools of liquid begin to clump together, but a clearish-pink liquid remains.

"Aha!" he says. "This is caprylic acid. This causes that nasty smell. In addition to deterring large mammals who have sensitive smelling mechanisms, this venom probably applied to the lipid wax coats on the exoskeletons of other insects, because of the caprylic acid. Brilliant! In addition, I would reckon this means whipscorpion venom is safe for human consumption!"

A week later I am in a restaurant, I am watching a man eat his salad. His face scrunches up as if he has just watched his pet dog puke on his foot, but he keeps eating. Finally, after a minute or two, he can't take it anymore, and vomits all over himself.

Later, I ask the waiter what the man had ordered. "Venom vinagrette," the pretty girl says skeptically. I smile. Readers, there is a lesson to be learned here: any time science comes to a conclusion, no matter how contrary to social norms it is, we should always let it change our behavior, because science is God.

Mahatma Sharmi is a reporter for the extremely reputable scientific study magazine, the Entomologist. He lives with his wife in Vujrani on Xhede Island.

Disaster In Northern Bettia

Sudhir Bhay catches up with Edward on a return flight from Northern Bettia: both have just witness a three one demolishing of their Pazhujeb Islands at the hands of the Northern Bettians.

SB: What a bloody joke! That braul was ridiculous; I can't believe-

E: Shut up.

SB: What?

E: I don't want to hear about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it.

SB: Well, someone has to do something, Edward!

E: What?! What is anyone going to do! It's bloody Northern Bettia, this is regular practice for them! Redhe Lissama puts us on the board first, and I'm thinking, 'hey, my prediction is well on its way to being fulfilled!' But then those cheating Northern Bettian decided they wanted three points from the match no matter what, so Gerry Ibaraki shamelessly handballs a goal in during the 37th minute, and the ref doesn't catch it. Then six yellow cards and a red get dealt out during a 63rd minute braul, which, I might add, Northern Bettia clearly threw the first punch during, yet for which Chaya Vuhumkara got blamed and red carded.

SB: And then, of course... with a man down...

E:...the Urchins didn't stand a chance. Two more goals, Brian Suzuki in the 81st minute and Stu Kaolla in the 87th. Useless referees, mate. Useless!

SB: Well, as you say, let's look forward. Vuhumkara is gone for the Chargers' Boulder match against Bumiroar. We need a win, but it'll be that much harder without our best player. What does it look like to you?

E: Not good. Bumiroar are not a strong team; they are the eighth seed in this increasingly strong-looking group, but like you said, without Vuhumkara I'm really not sure what Jaime Oberlander has planned. The rumours are flying in Rujananja that fans will be watching Ioya Oovi walk onto the pitch as Vuhumkara's replacement, but Oovi is a midfielder, so we might be seeing an aggressive 4-5-1 tomorrow, Sudhir. Regardless, I'm not convinced that Panithaj has the pace to go it alone up front. The wing play will need to be bang on, I'll say that: when Panithaj scores, it's usually not because someone has gotten the ball in to feet, but because a nice cross has caught him standing literally head and shoulders above the defense. That needs to happen tomorrow, and I think it will, but only once, and then another defensive mistake will give us an unromantic draw against a team we should beat. It looks bad, Sudhir. One all draw.

SB: Bollocks. Well, as we start to see the Urchins slip behind in Group 4, hang with us fans, and rest assured that when the eternal skeptic Edward says things are getting better, you will know things are getting better. Sudhir Bhay, correspondent with Edward the cockroach, reporting from Northern Bettia with the Entomologist. Come on, Urchins, pull it together, we believe in you!

MD 01: (L, 1-5) Sorthern Northland (Away, @ Sorthern Northland)
MD 02: (D, 2-2) Demot (Home, @ Bengaluru Velodrome in Bengaluru)
MD 03: (L, 1-3) Northern Bettia (Away, @ Northern Bettia)
MD 04: Bumiroar (Home, @ Chargers' Boulder in Rujananja)
MD 05: Bergelland (Away, @ Bergelland)
MD 06: Oliverry (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 07: St. Samuel (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 08: Sorthern Northland (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 09: Demot (Away, @ Demot)
MD 10: Northern Bettia (Home, @ Therakham Coliseum in Yughrigha)
MD 11: Bumiroar (Away, @ Bumiroar)
MD 12: Bergelland (Home, @ Zhevassi Athletic Field in Zhevassi)
MD 13: Oliverry (Away, @ Oliverry)
MD 14: St. Samuel (Away, @ St. Samuel)

The Beningrad Morning Star

Two wins, nine goals.

With a break in qualfying Sorthern Northland decided to play two friendlies in preparation for the game against Northern Bettia. The SNFA decided to play both games at different locations to bring the team to parts of the population who otherwise woudn't get a chance to see the team, with the first against Nire and Nire being held in the An Ghaeltacht city of Corcaigh. The Páirc Uí Rinn is certainly a magnificent ground, with the 40,000 Irish speaking locals oacked in, providing an outstanding atmoshere. But to the credit of the young Nire and Nire side, they didn't let this affect their game and despite losing three nil to goals scored by Xeng Xung, Jonny Sage and Korea China, they can go home with their helds held high following a valient display.

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sorthern_northland.png Sorthern Northland 3-0 Nire and Nire http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/nire_and_nire.png

The second friendly saw Daehanjeiguk travel up to Nieuw Amsterdam to play at de Wallen in the heart of the cities red light district. With the tempretures well below zero and much snow on the pitch, the winner would be the team who adopted best to the conditions. And Daehanjeiguk struggled massivly as they let in six goals and their strikers looked like they coudn't score in a brothel which incidently, locals tell me they tried but coudn't manage to. Kim Min-Kim scored twice, as did Korea China whilst Xeng Xung and Feng Shui both got one goal.

After the game SN manager Kevaughn Ó Criomhthain said "This is an especially pleasing result, as it shows how far we've progressed since we entered the world football stage. The first game for both Sorthern Northland and Daehanjeiguk was played between us and on that occasion Daehanjeiguk won 4-2 and are reckonged to be slighlty better than us, so a six nil win is highley encouraging and hopefully we can take this form with us to Northern Bettia and throughout the rest of the qualfying campaing."

http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/sorthern_northland.png Sorthern Northland 6-0 http://spaam.mrdrake.net/flags/daehanjeiguk.png

Qualification Tour:
Group 3
MD1 - Daehanjeiguk(53) 1-3 (9)Sel Appa (@ Hangyeong)
MD2 - Alversia(153) 2-3 (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD3 - Daehanjeiguk(53) 2-2 (33)Dance 2 Revolution (@ Hanseong)
FR1 - Daehanjeiguk 1-1 Jeruselem (@ Hangyeong)
FR2 - Sorthern Northland 6-0 Daehanjeiguk
MD4 - Mallatarsland(157) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD5 - Geisenfried(42 --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD6 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (18)Tynelia (@ Malnira)
MD7 - Hopeless SC(114) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD8 - Sel Appa(9) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk (@ Nemnenait)
MD9 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (153)Alversia (@ Sanghae)
MD10 - Dance 2 Revolution(33) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD11 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (157)Mallatarsland (@ Gwangdong)
MD12 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (42)Geisenfried (@ Pyeongyang)
MD13 - Tynelia(18) --- (53)Daehanjeiguk
MD14 - Daehanjeiguk(53) --- (114)Hopeless SC (@ Hangyeong)



At the apartment:

Choe wasn't too pleased to see just exactly what had transpired over the past few days. He was busily reading a newspaper extract over their adventures so far:

Half a City Block Destroyed in Riots after Loss to Sel Appa.

Alversia Creamed as Imperial Team Whipped Them.

He took one quick glance to Sang, who was in a meditative state. Sang has been a faithful guardian so far, but he wondered what would happen after the Qualifications were over. He turned on the TV to watch the news.

"And after the Imperial fought out a hard match against Jeruselem to a 1-1 draw yesterday, they traveled abroad to witness a horrible thrashing by Sorthern Northland. The final scoreline 6-0."

He turned off the TV, turning to Sang again. He was still in his meditative state. "I don't know how you can meditate when the Imperial Team is on its way out of yet another World Cup!" Choe said. Sang finally opened his eyes, saying, "They will one day play in the World Cup finals. Just not this year."

Choe rolled his eyes. "Thanks for spoiling the surprise."

"No problem."

"I mean, we've had a good show against rather powerful teams, but it's the stupid weak ones that we can't seem to beat."

"That's the way of life. Was not the Imperial Team successful in its own right against those same powerful teams in its debut?"

Choe nodded, but remained adamant, "It's different now. We've been in this game for a while. Why not change the seats a little bit so we can win the Cup for one?"

"For that, the Imperial Team must go beyond the top 20 into the top ten to have any chance to win at all. Remember - he who perseveres most shall taste true glory."

"Yeah, if you're willing to wait a few hundred years."

"Years are empty," Sang said. "I have waited many millennia, but I have yet to face a worthy foe. But in due time, I will meet him."

"What? You're protecting me, just to have a shot at beating the best fighter in the world?"

Sang nodded, stepping out of his meditation. "It is the nature of Kong-fu to be continually refining one's ability, to become the excellent man. But the excellent man does not seek the fight, instead waits patiently for destiny to come to him. The man that seeks destiny for himself will always be chasing it."

"You're full of proverbs, aren't you?"

"Proverbs help guide the soul to a place of rest for the weary, and restrain the strong when no other refuge will hold them."

Incidentally, the television turned on instantly, and showed a calm and serene swamp. Choe looked back at the TV, wondering how he turned it on. "Sang? Do you have the remote?"

"No. But I do recall that you sat on it."

"Well, that was a while ago."

"Then we must wait for our adversary to approach."

And then she appeared.

http://www.dreamdawn.com/sh/features/img/japanese_horror/sadaCrawl.jpg

"F%$#! What the H@** was that?"

"That is Kimkim. She is a cursed ghost who kills her victims by kissing them with a toad and slapping them with an electric eel. But just wait - there is a way to defeat her."

Instantly, Sang turned Choe into a goat. "What was that for?" Choe yelled.

"She can only kill humans."

"Oh, thanks I guess."

At that, Kimkim approached Sang with the toad and electric eel in her hands. In a hollow voice, whispering as the wind, she cried out to Sang - "Destiny awaits you, my dear!"

At that Sang kicked out the toad and the electric eel. Kimkim peeled back her hair and revealed her face - the lips of a toad and the tongue of an electric eel. "You're going to have to do better than that, my dear!"

Sang then turned around, revealed his salt shakers. Without another thought, Sang poured all of the salt over Kimkim's face, and she immediately reeled away, crying in pain. "It stings! It stings! It stings!!!" With that, Sang made a giant pot of water, and kicked Kimkim into the pot. She was still shrieking in pain as Sang turned on the stove and cooked Kimkim alive. After the screams had finally subsided at the end of the sixth hour of boiling, Sang added a root of ginger and ginseng to the mixture before cutting open Kimkim's innards and cooking it all up in a giant stew. That evening, Sang and Choe made a visit to the local jailhouse, offering their delicious stew to the inmates. The guards, pleased to see the food in spite of the on-going cooks' strike, took the food for the inmates, unaware of what they were feeding them.

As they walked away, Sang turned Choe back into a human.

"Why did you give them the stew?"

"Because they're all death-row inmates anyway, so I figured we could help them out by feeding them the stew."

"Wait. They're going to die anyway? Does that mean that the stew is poisonous?"

"Not poisonous, but I'll be the first to say that the taste is quite shocking."

At that, Choe turned over the side of the sidewalk, waiting for his stomach to turn over as well. Sang helped Choe regurgitate his lunch onto the road, and they continued onward.

"I don't feel so good now."

"Don't worry. Kimkim can regenerate herself. The next time we meet, there will probably be thousands and thousands of her."

"And that's a good thing?"

"Well, she won't be able to kill, and who knows - you two might make good husband and wife."

At that, Choe turned to the side of the sidewalk again and churned his stomach inside out. Sang again helped Choe up and they continued to walk home. "Remind me next year not to make any bets with my friends. This is all too weird."

"Yes. And your pants are on fire."

"Dammit, I thought these were fireproof pants!"

"You should know - wear two pairs next time."

Ad'ihan look to shock Bettia

Ad'ihan's national team travel to Bettia today on the back of two disappointing results against Squornshelous and Yafor 2, hoping to bounce back with a shock win. A 2-1 loss to Squornshelous in Orean was blamed by manager Luke Evans after the game on the neutrality of the fans in Orean, who at times seemed to support the visitors more than the team from Ad'ihan.

"It was a shambles, and we should stop playing our matches in Orean. There are better places for us to stage matches if Protectorate Stadium can't host any, surely," Evans told TV network SportNet in a high-profile interview after the match. "The fans weren't always behind us, and when that happens in international football in a match in which you're the home team, it's trouble."

That was followed up by a 2-2 draw away at Yafor 2 which left Evans feeling the pressure. One bright note from the otherwise discouraging game for Ad'ihan was Phil Brennan-Evans' first goal for his country, seemingly justifying his uncle's decision to include him in his World Cup squad.

———————————————————————

"Davey, must you always bother me after every match?"

"It's my job, Luke."

Evans stepped out of the bedroom in his hotel suite and into the main hall, before replying into the sleek, dark black mobile phone he was holding. "Can't you get RAI to ask someone else to cover us?"

"I'm the chief football correspondent, Luke. Asking the questions is my job here, so it's my turn. Pressure building up from the fans after that draw."

"I could care less, really. The AFF control my future, they haven't said anything yet, and I was really pleased that Phillip got his first goal. That'll show the doubters."

"Bettia next, Luke. After their impressive 20-goals-scored start in just three games, away from home, surely you're not hoping for much?"

"I don't see why not. We could go there and play a defensive game, or we could go there and play our normal style, and maybe catch them on the break and surprise them."

"Any fitness concerns, then?" From his hotel in Bettia, Davey Thomson furiously noted down everything Luke Evans said. You never knew when you'd chance upon a top quote that could be used, especially if it was incriminating.

"Not really, no."

"One final question for now... Ad'ihan fans seemed to have picked up a quote from some Casarans who visited Ad'ihan... have you heard of 'Jimmy do one, bruv'?"

"That's stupid, and I hope our fans are intelligent enough to stay away from utter rambling like that."

The Bassabook Baritone

To celebrate its ties to a foreign nation, Zwangzug played a friendly football match.

Read the above again, slowly.

Laughing yet? Many of us can remember when that sentence would have been wrong in at least five ways: the concept of Zwangzug as a nation, ties developed abroad, those ties being worthy of celebration, a nationwide athletic team that didn't get ridiculously trounced, the adjective "friendly" modifying the noun "football" (not the game where people crash into each other between marching band performances)...The list goes on.

But Candelaria And Marquez is different. Or maybe refreshingly the same. In a "modern world" of one "novelty" after the next, the country as a whole, and the city of Zapata in particular, are known for cherishing their beliefs and hanging on to what makes them them. The nations' similar timescales have also made C&M a comfortable fit for Zwangzug players seeking club experience.

Zapata is on Green Island, a semi-autonomous area. But despite its geographic distance from C&M proper, it's not temporally isolated: no, it's comfortable and proud to be where it is today. Bassabook representatives were welcomed for a pregame ceremony, and after the final verses of the "Zapata, Zapata" saga (¡Cocíneme un pez tan rapidamente como puedes!) had somewhat mercifully faded, the game was on.

The match itself, which ended in a 1-1 draw, was perhaps an anticlimax, with scoring concentrated into the first half. Peter Vanderpent (of Albrecht, C&M's capital, FC), dug out a pass from Ursula Lauren (Arrigo Portuguese) to start things off for Zwangzug. The home side equalized after Michael Sheldon's foul on O’Sullivan Caras: the penalty kick, taken by Stuart Vidakovic, was a veritable shoe-in.

MD4 RP cutoff

Scotchpinestan may be 2-1 and in third place in Group 10 after three games, but coach Douglas Jenkins isn't happy.

"We have to score more goals," he said. "One goal per match isn't going to cut it. I'd love to think our D is so outstanding that we can win 1-0 every time, but we gave up five goals to Zwangzug, so obviously that's not true."

The Scotchpine attack has been neutralized somewhat by the defensive mindsets of some of the opponents, but some ineffective forward play has also contributed. To combat that, Jenkins has benched both starting wingers, Joe Long and Terry Pipp. Henry Eller and Brandon Jackvony will start on the wings for the next match against the Holy Empire. Jenkins hopes that this will inject new life into the attack and help Scotchpinestan achieve its stated goal of leading the tournament in shots on goal.

Lovisan coach are very affraid aboout next matches in lovisan group. because Lovisa lost 2 matches and now is in 6th in group.

He are very angry for strikers and for goalkipper who are not in good form.

the LZPN (Lovisan Football Association) expect that in this edition Lovisan team advance to final. If not the coach will be leaving.

Valerians Lose To Jeru FC in Friendly Match, 4-0

...But The Boyars Got New Uniforms!

After a 0-0 nil draw against Kelssek in the last qualifying matchday, the Valerians are down on morale and in playing style. George Ilyanich's young team is not doing their best to play like a young team full of skill and potential; in fact, they have been playing like disgruntled elderly Orthodox monks (no offence to any monks reading this). This was proven to be a fact yet again when the Valerian Football Agency set up a friendly between Jeru FC and the Boyars to be taken on this down time between matchdays.

The Valerians wanted to take on their national team, and it would seem that the Boyars would have had a fighting chance to show off the pride of the Valerian People when Jeru FC came on Boyar home turf. This was especially true with opponents such as Pansy Petal and the short goalkeep James Honky. Karl von Hohenstauffen even had great confidence that "...[he] could make any shot right past that Honky."

But even the haughtiness of von Hohenstauffen and his 'footballer pedigree' could not stop the soldier-team of Jeru FC from walking all over the Boyars on home turf. It was a crushing blow to the Boyars. They have not scored a single goal since Day One, and are right now the leading candidate for an award for being the worst team this side of the World Cup.

The two teams met in Dolphin Stadium in Alexandria, Romanovna Province, Magnus Valerius. The game started off with anxious Valerians shouting "Slavsya, nazh Boyari!"; in Valerian it means "Glory to our Boyars!". Despite the high morale on the team, the Valerians totally screwed up. Karl von Hohenstauffen tried to rush the Jeru FC defense and made a quick shot to the goal but Goalkeep Honky knocked it back. From then, the first half saw no Valerian goals and saw Pansy knock one in at the 29th and Uggen Caveman followed up with a last-minute goal at the 44th.

The second half was the same story. Karl von Hohenstauffen was really frustrated as to why he could not make a shot over the short but surprisingly good goalkeep. Fakestein came up and shot past Shchilinov in a close block, scoring another for Jeru FC at the 67th minute. In a stunning steal, Mickey Rate sweeps the ball and sets up Pansy for another goal at the 72nd. If it were not for Dimitri Kim's excellent work in the rest of the game (Shchilinov was subbed out for the rest of the game), the Boyars may have given up more points.

"Well, I guess they did their best today," says baffled coach George Illyanich. "They're just young 'uns anyway, and need a lot more experience and training. By the way, I'd like to congratulate Dimitri Kim for an excellent performance later on in this game, who help keep our losses in check..."

All was not lost after this friendly match however. After the game, George Illaynich and Mongke Urt-Urumqi treated the entire team at a local dive and fancy restaurant, the Laughing Dolphin, serving up traditional Alexandrian dishes such as lemon-marinated whale cakes, white rabbit stew, beef and vegetables wrapped and boiled in kelp, and a couple Valerian and Slavic favorites imported from Isangrad such as fried chicken and duck legs served with greens over a rice kasha, washed down with sbiten (a warm and spicy honey and ginger drink) and a good helping of alcohol (from the strong Metashan wines to helpings of Valerian vodka flavored with anise). George Illyanich shared a quick cigarette with Urt-Urumqi and some of his team players (the coach always smoked Aytokratorike Brand).

Afterwards, the team went to a news conference in an office off of Aytokratorike Street. It was going to be broadcasted across the empire; even though the Boyars were on a losing streak, they had a very important announcement and an update.

After a numerous amount of questions from various broadcasters from all over The Empire, Coach Illyanich and Assistant Coach Urt-Urumqi stood proudly at the podium to make a formal announcement on the team, addressed to the nation and to all Boyar fans tuning in.

"We have a very important update for Boyar fans," Urt-Urumqi started. A large red curtain was ominously looming over the crowd over the left of Urt-Urumqi.

"All of you know by now that the Boyars have not been doing well. But no! That does not mean we do not love our Boyars! We love our national team. That is why we have something special for everyone here tonight."

And then, Coach Illyanich rose to the stand and announced in a booming voice:

"Introducing... The New Boyar Uniforms, brought to you by JMC®!"

And, with a fall of a curtain, the entire national team was found to be wearing the new kits, alternating between the home and away kits.

http://i25.photobucket.com/albums/c58/Krytenia/MVL38.png

The crowd gasped, before cheering on. Even if the new national team is not faring well, The Empire still does love its Boyars enough to order new uniforms for the team.

Paperwork mishap causes havoc for Scotchpinestan
Keith Martin, Douglas Journal

It had been reported prior to Scotchpinestan's match against the Holy Empire that wingers Joe Long and Terry Pipp were being replaced in the starting lineup by Henry Eller and Brandon Jackvony. however, Scothpinestan reportedly got its lineup change form in about 25 minutes late, forcing Eller and Jackvony to begin the match on the bench.

The result was not pretty.

Pipp had the ball stolen from him by defender Maredudd ap Dafydd ap Llewellyn ap Hywel ap Hywel ap Hywel ap Fred, who made a long pass up to Dai Jones, who rocketed in a 30-yard shot in the 23rd minute to put the Holy Empire on the board.

Then, in the 51st minute, Long tackled Rhys Rees from behind. The official did not hesitate in showing Long the red card. Down a man, the Scotchpine side only managed three shots on goal the rest of the way. One of those shots was a header by Jackvony (who entered as a sub in the 59th minute) that just went wide. But ultimately, Scotchpinestan was unable to find the back of the net in a 2-0 Holy Empire victory.

The lineup change form for the next match against New Morissia reportedly has already been submitted, so Eller and Jackvony will start at the wings. Also entering the lineup will be Orlando Moore at left back, replacing Sam Shetland who is suspended due to yellow card accumulation.

NOV 26 1933 (Pika City, Qazox)

A horrible mistake on my part, as I overslept and in my haste to get to the stadium, I forgot to have the Doctors turn on the Bionics. And due to that mistake, we only managed a Draw with lowly Endmile. Worst part is, they only have uniform numbers on, so we don't know the identities of the players they had.

Todd Helms, a rookie, had to start in place of Yancy Fry, due to Fry having massive withdrawl symtoms thanks to Bionics not being on. Helms did well scoring twice, but a misplayed ball by Pamela Gambino in the 89th minute, lead to Endmile's tying goal.

The good news is we didn't lose, but a draw, even without the Bionics against such a weak team is not a good sign. To ensure this event will not happen again, I've instructed Dr. Hadel to install a timer chip into the systems to ensure that they will be turned on 30 minutes before game time and 30 minutes after the game they will shut off.

Up next for the team is Onimar at the SaxerDome in SaxerVilla. Good location, as few teams can withstand the noise of 85,000 people.

SCORING SUMMARY:
(Qazox) Todd Helms: 32', 62'
(Endmile) 41', 89'

Jason Vallens World Cup Blog:

Matchday Four vs. Bostopia

Bostopia's Aleksander Cripps score in the 84th minute, the lone goal in a surprisingly tight match, in which the Wombats had numerous oppertunities to score, but Peter Jeffers of Bostopia held firm and kept Green wombat winless so far. Diehl and Bard each had 5 shots on net, but couldn't finish. Bard even had a penalty kick, but it glanced off the near post in the 67th minute, the best scoring chance of the game for the Wombats.

The Scoring summary:
Bostopia: Cripps 84'

Green wombat is still last in the Group. In other Group action, Milchama ended Prux's unbeaten run 3-1, Wentland got back on track 2-1 over Lovisa, and Nire and Nire continues to surprise with a 4-2 win over East Lithuania.

Up next is Wentland on the road. Despite that fact they are women, they should have little trouble beat us I think. A 4-2 game in the hosts favor.

PRUX' TOP TEN LIST VS. MILCHAMA

#10- Avi Belmowitz scored in the 1st minute, giving Milchama a very early 1-0 lead.

#9- Milchama's fans threw stuff at 007, hitting him in the eye, and Turkey Sub had to come in for him in the 3rd minute.

#8- Turkey Sub managed to score in the 17th minute to tie the match up at 1-1.

#7- Bill Fold was given back-to-back yellow cards in the 45th minute, the first for tripping Avi Belmowitz, then the 2nd for arguing with the referee.

#6- Avi Belmowitz scored on a penalty kick in the 45th minute, due to the yellow card.

#5- Avi Belmowitz finished off the scoring in the 67th minute, the first hat-trick Prux has allowed in its short history.

#4- Meatball Sub played admirably well in for Tex-Mex who had to sit out due to his Red Card last match.

#3- The loss drops Prux to 1-2-1, now 5th in the group.

#2- The next match is vs. Nire and Nire, one of the early surprises.

#1- Teams we're still ahead of: Krytenia, Starblaydia, D2R, Kelssek, Lovisa, Casari, Spaam, The Islands of Qutar, Estresse Intenso, Yafor 2 (ALL LOSERS!!!).

A consistent baseline emanated from the back seat.

"Go-ing to Summ-er-fest, Go-ing to Summ-er-fest..." Jimmy said, nodding his head slowly with every other beat.

"Damn, you've been doing it for ten miles."

"So?" Jimmy said, bending his head around the seat to look at Rolly, the source of the complaint.

"It's catchy, and even worse, I almost started doing it myself, so quit."

"Pfft, you'll need a hella better reason than that." Jimmy said, resuming the beat.

Ryan began nodding along as well, drumming on the back of the driver's seat and beatboxing to the rhythm.

"Isn't there a law against beatbox?" Tob said, sighing out loud.

"Not that I know of." Ryan said.

"I swear to god, if you guys don't stop I will turn this car around."

"Damn, fine, Dad." Jimmy said, sitting back and crossing his arms.

The ride continued in silence for a while longer. But it was only a matter of time, of course, until Jimmy could no longer resist the irresistible music of his soul.

"Go-ing to Summ-er-fest, Go-ing to Summ-er-fest..."

Tob cut through two lanes of traffic and cut off at the next exit, turning into a parking lot and stopping.

"We're not moving until you stop that." Tob said, sitting back in the driver's seat.

"Oh come on, this is bloody childish." Jimmy said.

"I have to agree with the bloody child, just keep driving." Ryan said.

"No, I refuse." Tob said.

"Then damn, I'll drive." Ryan said, getting out of the car and opening the driver's door, pulling Tob out and getting in himself. "Get in the back, and let's go."

Tob got in the back and buckled his seat belt as Ryan drove back to the expressway and started the trip in motion again. "Remember, I'm in range to hit you."

Ryan snickered. "Now now kids, we're not going to have violence in this car."

"Oh god help us all."

---

"I swear to God, we're not driving anywhere ever again." Tob said, sighing and rubbing his eyes, grabbing the supplies out of the back of the car and dropping them on the ground.

"Oh please, it wasn't that bad." Rolly said, picking up his bag. "Where the hell are we staying?"

"My cousin said we could stay at her place."

"Wait, her? Is she hot?" Jimmy asked.

"That doesn't matter, because if you hit on her, you die."

"But is she hot?"

"That doesn't matter!" Tob said, knocking on the door.

Tob's cousin opened the door and smiled, giving Tob a hug and welcoming them in. "Hey, guys, how's it going?"

Jimmy, Ryan, and Rolly stood for a moment, staring. Behind her, Tob was giving various indications of their impending death, but they didn't care.

Because she was hot.

http://img470.imageshack.us/img470/8564/jgnlogohe2.png

Jeruselem teams get new nicknames

For quite a while Jeruselem have been calling themselves the "Crusaders" and Jeru FC have not a nickname. After a review of submissions to the Jeruselem Football Association, Jeruselem will get a new name and Jeru FC get a proper nickname.

Jeru FC can now be called the "Canons" - mainly due to it's military purpose and the fact old style canons were prone to blowing themselves up, something with Jeru FC can do quite easily. Canons can also be quite effective, if they didn't misfire like the team have a tendency to do.

Jeru FC coach Abrams Tunk said
"Well, I could have found worse names for the team. At least it's a semi-decent name. My team definitely misfired against the friendly against Jeruselem. It was more like grop-a-thon than a football game. Most of the female Jeruselem players complained about my team and they were quite justified about it. I think they kind of lost the plot. I did notice Scooter and Dallas girls didn't complain, I guess they like that kind of attention."

In a majority vote, Jeruselem are now the "Princesses". The reason behind the name is a Princess is a pretty girl - and a lot of the female Jeruselem players are quite pretty. Another reason is Princesses get into trouble because they are drama queens and the usual sex scandals that revolve around them. It was a royal name which incorporated the characteristic name of current Jeruselem team - personified by Princess Kate Dallas, the current captain and her mother Dazza Dallas. Jeruselem is high ranking World Cup team and a Princess is a high ranking royal position, so the name has an all round purpose. So in fact, the Princess name incorporates a lot of the popular names that were being used.

Jeruselem coach Sark Kozy said
"Well, we have one official Princess and a lot of unofficial ones in our team. The new nickname is pretty accurate. Considering we probably have the World Cup's most attractive female dominated team, you can say the team is a bit of a Princess. The guys might be confused since they aren't female but as a whole - our team is the Princess of this World Cup since the Bike arrived a long time ago."

Jeruselem's real life Princess and World Cup team captain said
"I'm happy, the team is named after me! I approve!"

In other football news, the recent protests have been attributed to supporters of the Restoration of True Morality. Football games have been disrupted by mainly "White" protesters and football clubs have been forced to step up stadium security. Jewish football players have been complaining about people the behaviour of some "fans" during games and outside games. Attempted attacks on Dallas girls have stopped after an attacker was thrown into a swimming pool by Dazza Dallas at her daughter's (Jacinta Dallas) school carnival.

A spokesman for Restoration of True Morality descried the death of one it's members at the hands of security forces as a moral crime executed by a corrupt and immoral state, but the spokesman for the Imperial Stormtroopers said they'd use lethal force again because it's their job.

Two members of Jeruselem FA have been arrested for being members of the Restoration of True Morality. Jeruselem FA president said "Oh them, they should have resigned a long time ago but they just turn to meetings and act like asses - counterproductively. No one listened to them. They only stayed on because no one else wanted to employ them."