NationStates Jolt Archive

Radio Went match summary
It wasn't meant to be like this. We were expecting a night of tension, of fear, of joy, of disappointment. What we were not expecting was a night of ease.

Wentland won in Harlesburg with an "up and at 'em" approach that saw two early goals. Edgar Bluff had correctly calculated that Harlesburg would take a defensive and cautious approach, try to avoid conceding as a draw might be enough. So right from the whistle Wentland attacked and after Treves hit the woodwork in the first minute Morgan scored in the second, converting a through ball from Weston with calm aplomb.

Barely had the raucous noise died down that Weston himself added a second, Harlesburg, apparently paralysed by the bomb of noise pouring down on them, lost the ball in midfield and the Royal Heathen let fly from 25 yards. Along the ground and it almost hugged the stanchion in delight. 2-0, the shot being timed at 68 mph.

It was beginning to turn into a celebration. Even the news that Nanakaland had gone ahead in their match could not dampen ardour as Wentland fans knew a win would put the Wents through regardless. Harlesburg, totally shell-shocked and cacophony-shocked, were offering nothing in return.

Just before half-time the game was practically made safe with a corner from which Morgan added his second with another header. Three-nil and the half-time team-talk could not have been easier.

[Actual extracts from half-time team-talk:

Weston: It's in the bag!!! We're in the finals!!!

Bluff: Don't be so stupid. Anyone can come back from this deficit. Look at the cup last year. Clayborne City were 3-0 up at half-time and lost 6-3. Real Malindores had a two goal lead from the away leg of a Region tie and lost at home 4-2. Royal Heath blew it in the NSFA thing as some of you know well. I remember once Warpstone had a 5 point lead at the top of he table with 3 matches to go and finished runners-up to Donington.

&c &c...]

The second half saw a suddenly unadventurous Wentland play keep-ball and not create much. The fortunate thing was that Harlesburg, despite a triple substitution, could not get any momentum going in the game. Their caused was not helped when a further injury reduced them to ten effective men on the field and their striking capabilities were diminished immeasurably. The crowd sensed with ten minutes to go that there was no comeback and started singing celebratory songs. There was the exquisite torture of four minutes of time added on - largely caused by delays in returning the ball after the crowd had got hold of it - but when the board flashed "4" it was evident that Harlesburg would find it literally impossible to score three times in that time. And for the final minute or so the ball was knocked around desultorily whilst the Wentland fans lined the edge of the pitch for the inevitable invasion. Then the referee signalled to his assistant, they both started running pell-mell for the tunnel, the Harlesburg team followed and when they were all close the final whistle went. The crowd poured on to celebrate a totally unexpected qualification and they are still there now. Winthrop Tuesday, Radio Went, at the Warplands.

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem avoid Cup of Harmony again

Once upon a time before the World Cup 17, Jeruselem went to the Cup of Harmony. No longer, we have made the 2nd round ever since XVII apart from one play-off loss to Commerce Heights. Will World Cup 26 be the same? OH YEAH.

First some boring stuff ...

Hockey Canada lost their 2nd but it didn't matter. They topped Group 2 and once again make the next round. Two losses in 14 games (2 byes excluded) and they bettered Krytenia who finished 5 points behind them.

Nedalia ... they blew it. They lost to Collonie 1-2 and fell back to 6th (or 2nd last) in Group 9 after being 3rd at one stage. To make things worse Wentland and Nanakaland won their games with Squornshelous having the bye. Let's hope they do better next World Cup. We want Lions with teeth and not kittens.

So, Nedalians grab a Jeruselem flag and see what happens next in World Cup 26 for Jeruselem. As for the Lions, we hope the NPL do something about the current team form. We want Nedalia at least make the 2nd round next time. Oh yes, waving plastic swords dressed as Crusaders is fine too.

McPsychoville was Jeruselem's last opponent. McPsychoville can be dangerous, but the plucky Jeruselem team rolled them over 3-1. The gate was shut to the other teams. Once again Jeruselem delivered when it mattered on the field.

Rordia pipped Artoonia 1-0 and well finished 3rd. Had Jeruselem lost or drawn, then they would have made it. Sorry Rordia, you did really well but the veterans show how to play when it is time to fight.

Milchama lost to the Tigers last game - no shame. They played Race City and lost the race too. They lost 2-3 and this ended their charge into the 2nd round. Wasted chances again. 4th in Group 15 when they should have been 3rd.

It's done, Milchama and Rordia can play the CoH and maybe win something. For Jeruselem and the Tigers, it's time for the big games. The best teams in World Cup 26 await us.

Group 2
FSX 2 Hockey Canada 1
Fbrenia 2 The Weegies 1
Northern Voobaha 0 Spaam 1


Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Hockey Canada 26 8 2 2 18:11 7
2. Krytenia 21 6 3 3 24:16 8
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3. Spaam 19 6 1 5 18:16 2
FSX 19 6 1 5 17:15 2
5. Northern Voobaha 13 3 4 5 9:11 -2
6. The Weegies 12 2 6 4 18:19 -1
7. Fbrenia 7 2 1 9 15:31 -16


Group 9
Collonie 2 Nedalia 1
Wentland 3 Harlesburg 0
Bazalonia 0 Nanakaland 1


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 25 8 1 3 28:11 17
2. Wentland 20 6 2 4 21:19 2
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3. Nanakaland 19 6 1 5 17:15 2
4. Harlesburg 17 5 2 5 15:18 -3
Collonie 17 5 2 5 19:22 -3
6. Nedalia 16 5 1 6 16:17 -1
7. Bazalonia 6 1 3 8 14:28 -14


Group 15
McPsychoville 1 Jeruselem 3
Race City 3 Milchama 2
Artoonia 0 Rordia 1


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 28 9 1 2 32:13 19
2. Jeruselem 24 8 0 4 33:28 5
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3. Rordia 22 7 1 4 29:23 6
4. Milchama 18 6 0 6 30:29 1
5. Race City 11 3 2 7 16:23 -7
6. Artoonia 10 3 1 8 11:23 -12
McPsychoville 10 3 1 8 17:29 -12


Let's see what happened to other 12 groups.
Group 1 - Sarzonia was joined by EL CID THE HERO.
Group 3 - Total n Utter Insanity was joined by the Spruitland (or the Bunnies)
Group 4 - Rejistania ended up on the same points as Schiavonia. Same goal difference too.
Group 5 - Vilita and Crystilakere made it as Hoolabaloola lost to Jungle Cats 1-5.
Group 6 - Casari as joined by The Kazoo Peoples. Yafor 2 failed due to their inferior goal difference.
Group 7 - Starblaydia and New Montreal States. New Montreal States lost to Keyshona though.
Group 8 - Liverpool England ("I'll be back" team) and The Islands of Qutar.
Group 10 - Audioslavia and Lovisa. Too late for Legalese who won 5-0 their last game
Group 11 - Bedistan and ... Cataduanes. Cataduanes? The Archregimancy messed it all up by losing to them.
Group 12 - Oaker and One Red Dot. Old friend Hypocria were 5th and System Karela 6th. Karela scored 1 goal and conceded 2. Compare this to Jeruselem's 33 goals and conceding 28 ...
Group 13 - Cockbill Street and Eauz? NO. It's Eauz and Giant Zucchini. Apparently the Death Star blew up planet Cockbill Street.
Group 14 - Fmjphoenix and ... moan Praying2God, not Bettia. The Lions's buddies failed to, but on goal difference. Bettia lost 2-3 and Praying2God held Tanah Burung 1 ALL.

Now who has the best attack? Vilita! 37 goals. Jeruselem follow with 33 and Tadjikistan 32 with Fmjphoenix scoring 36 to just fail to catch the Jungle Cats.

Worst defense? Milchama and McPsychoville in Group 15? 29 goals! NO, it's Ariddia with 32 conceded. Fbrenia tried with 31. Jeruselem tied with North Fenris and Bazalonia on 28th. All these teams did not make the next round with the exception of us.

GROUP 11 UPSET

With nothing less than a victory needed Cataduanes sealed a stunning upset wth a 3-1 turn over of the Archregimancy. The islanders were 2-0 up at half time with goals from Alonso Corino and Agustin Macalinao, the but Orthodox mob pulled a goal back with a sublime freekick by Fr. David the water drinker just after the break, even the home crowd joined the after goal prayers. But in the 72nd minute the third goal came from substitute Armando Ribera sealing the match. The islanders proceeded to play ten men behind the ball for the remainder of the match soaking up furious attacks by the opposition including a stunning 40 yard shot from Fr. Michale the Lesser that struck the post after beating keeper Adolfo Mumbalo, further controvesy at the end of the match when Fr. Silouan was bodychecked in the area by Carlos Suramaga, howver the referee refused to give the penalty and went on to give a yellow card to Fr. Silouan for diving, this prompted fury among the Archregimancy squad with Fr. Justinian the thrice-blessed and Fr. Michael the new Hermit each receiving yellow cards for arguing with the ref, Metropolitan Kyrill went onto ensure exactly what he thought of the ref and fourth official.

However the Islanders held on to secure the final qualifacation spot sending the packed Estadio Nacional into rapture, and the island has still to stop partying. Coach Manua had this to say ''i am so proud of the squad, we entered the tournament as underdogs and just qualifying alone is a massive achievement''.

The Daily Druid
Reporting to the parts nobody cares about

DRUIDANS CONDEMN WC26
By Eric Tree

The Druidan governemnt (the temple of hisisim) released a statement through their Department of Midfield, Sports, Useless Scorinators and Drugs that they consider that the formula used for results during World Cup 26 qualifying to be even worse than the one they created and used during World Cup 24.

"Look at the list of qualifiers, it's outrageous! I've never even heard of half of them!" said Trefor Richardson of the department.

"County Islands, Schiavonia, The Kazoo Peoples, The Islands Of Qutar, Wentland, Cataduanes... who are this lot?"

"And Praying2God qualified, too! There really must be a problem there somewhere!"

It was then noted that Druida's long-time rivals Turori finished dead last in Group 6 behind such nonentities as Hiiraan, Rolatia and Swilatia, to which Richardson replied, "Well, maybe it isn't quite so bad..."

Elsewhere, the department has announced that it will be sending a team off to attempt to qualify for World Cup 27.

"Why not? All kinds of unusual teams have made it this time," Richardson commented, "Surely a team made up of monks from the monastry can't go wrong!"

The Schiavone Scribe
PARTY TIME!
Schiavonia 3-1 Kudlastan

Party time ensued over Schiavonia's forty-six islands last night as the Schiavone national football team finally secured their place in the World Cup 26 finals by not losing too heavily to Kudlastan.

In fact, the party started quite early. Half an hour into the match, in fact, when Fernando Smith put the Sloths into a two-nil lead after Arnold O'Kane had put the sloths ahead.

From then on, it was one big party. Even when Kudlastan made it 2-1 in the second half, nobody cared. They weren't going to score five, so let's paint the town orange and scarlet!

Then, to Topp it off, Gary Topp made it 3-1 with a shot that nearly kocked the goal over. A fantastic way to finish off, and enough to get the King Fancesco Stadium into even more of a frenzy than it already was.

Indeed, it all seems a bit pointless writing this report. Everyone's going to be too busy partying to read it. Hell, I should be partying too!

Team
Schiavonia: Kershaw; O'Kane, Park, Marsden, Smith; Sanderson, Jones, Weir; Topp, McAndrew, Tarmey.


Final score
Schiavonia 3 (O'Kane 19, Smith 31, Topp 90)
Kudlastan 1 (Kudla #8 57)

Group 4 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Rejistania 12 7 4 1 13 4 25 +9
2. Schiavonia 12 7 4 1 25 16 25 +9
4. Cuation 12 5 4 3 16 9 19 +7
3. Kudlastan 12 6 1 5 11 11 19 0
6. Kaze Progressa 12 3 3 6 14 20 12 -6
5. Pyrologists911 12 2 4 6 11 16 10 -5
7. Alexandrian Ptolemais 12 0 4 8 9 23 4 -14

CoH BID REMAINS

Despite Schiavonia's surprise qualification for World Cup 26, the SFF have confirmed that they will be continuing with their bid to host the Cup of Harmony 18 that they were expecting to participate in.

"Of course we still want to host!" was SFF chief Michael Ford's response when we questionned him.

"Football fever has gripped Schiavonia, and it would end up being just one big party if the cup did come here."

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that Schiavonia, surprise surprise, do not have the support of the mindbenders of Rejistania. They stated their reason as being that the nation has a bad reputation of hosting sporting events.

Which, on the evidence of the NSPGA Tour, is true. But Ford doesn't see it that way. "They don't like us, we don't like them. It works both ways. The SFF are a completely different entity from the NSPGA, so to tar us with the same brush is somewhat unfair."

Falcons finish short of the goal

All in all, it was not a bad first go.

Despite a World Cup administration that couldn't do much right, the Majeristani national football team has a lot of positives to take away from their first-ever World Cup qualifying effort, but the prevailing theme for this campaign was "take the good with the bad."

The good? Beating the fourth seeded team in the group by a 4-1 margin at National Stadium in Tikira, then notching a hard-won point at the Hyppodrome against a revenge-minded Hypocria. Earning draws in both matches against eventual group winners Oaker. Earning a winning record (3-7-2) and a plus goal differential (16 to 13) and coming within two matches of qualifying.

The bad? Losing 3-1 to One Red Dot certainly wasn't a highlight, though One Red Dot were the only team to walk off the pitch against the Falcons with the full three points in any match, and they were the only team Majeristan failed to earn a point against. Losing coach Avid Mashoda to a heart attack after the controversy surrounding his departure from the team. And slani officiating and organisation by Commerce Heights and Oliverry.

The team expects to retain Coach Hatime I. Ra~e for the next World Cup, though assistant coach Roger Taylor said he was going to try to recruit more attacking players.

"We don't want to find ourselves playing in a karela-type system here," Taylor said. "The more we play, the better we'll get and the more skilled players we'll have come through the ranks of our football academy and our youth programmes."

"By Allah, we'll be there," one fan noted. "Allah blessed us with a good team. We'll be back."

For Majeristan, the future beckons. But more immediately, the possibility of playing in the Cup of Harmony exists. The Falcons threw their support behind Schiavonia and Milchama, condemning the Rejistanian statement that Schiavonia has a "bad reputation."

"That's purely abysmali Ra~e said. "Commerce Heights are in the world's doghouse. They have soiled themselves with the unpure blood of the swine. Schiavonia have not."

Qualifying round in review

Much as we would like to think otherwise, this was anything but a typical qualifying campaign for a World Cup. Yes, there are problems in every single World Cup that's ever been run. You don't think we forgot the lengthy delays in the World Cup last year? Surely you remember the delays and the withdrawal of South Osettia from World Cup XXII?

But this World Cup has been tainted by scandal from the very first matchday due in part to bribes paid out by System Karela and Vilita in an effort to influence the outcome of several World Cup matches. Even worse than the bribes themselves was the response when several football associations -- including Sarzonia's -- called out Commerce Heights when they caught the World Cup organisers with their hands in their wallets.

"If there's ever another World Cup in Commerce Heights, Sarzonia will refuse to participate in it," interim coach Brett Hancock said. The remaining members of the Incorporated Football Federation, the players, and the most influential supporters club all passed resolutions supporting the assertion by Hancock. "In addition, we wish to make it known that the World Cup as a whole is broken. It must be repaired."

Strong words from a team that qualified for the eighth consecutive time and has held the world's number one ranking since World Cup XXII ended with the Stars holding the World Cup trophy aloft. But the team had other, far more drastic proposals in the offing than the few Hancock suggested. For starters, an anonymous source within the team organisation said the team "ought to petition to make karela illegal."

"If you're not out there to score goals, what the hell are you doing even competing in the World Cup," the source said. Rejistania "is the Evil Empire for a reason," he said. "That system has to go the way of the two handed set shot."

For their part, the Stars (8-3-1, 27 points, first place Group 1) held to form, losing only once. However, the team that defeated them, County Islands, was the same team Sarzonia throttled 4-0 to kick off the World Cup qualifying campaign.

"They qualified," Hancock said of County Islands, who earned a spot the back way because EL CID THE HERO ceased to exist. "They were right in the mix into the final day even before that. All of a sudden, a split in the derby with them doesn't look as bad as it did."

The team itself wasn't free of controversy, as has been its pattern almost since World Cup XXIII. Former IFF Chairman Terry Mangione told the team he was withdrawing it from World Cup play without consulting the players prior to the Board of Governors vote, leading to a players revolt. In addition, he abruptly fired coach Barry Owens when he refused to support the withdrawal.

Eventually, the Gray House got involved, signing an executive order putting the IFF into government receivership and firing Mangione and the rest of the Board of Governors. Owens stepped down from his job after he was restored to it by executive order, thus giving Hancock the task of winning the Stars' first World Cup in four years.

Mangione and the Board of Governors declined to comment for the story and his attorney, Fred Baxter, said Mangione would not discuss the situation because of pending litigation.

The team announced that former assistant coach Cal Trottier, who was slated to coach the second choice national team in the AOCAF tournament, would be brought on board to serve as the top assistant to Hancock. Acting IFF chairman and Sarzonian Vice President for Health and Athletics Jimmy Marshall declined to comment on reports that former Coach Dave Wilson would be hired and would start coaching the team in the World Cup finals themselves.

"He's under contract at the moment with Hypocria. It would be premature of us to say anything about him coaching the Stars," Marshall said.

It would not be premature, however, to say that this World Cup has already been a long, strange trip for all involved. Where this World Cup ranks in terms of backroom drama and intrigue or in terms of overall quality is anyone's guess, but Hancock had a simple comment about the cup previously considered the worst in history.

"We won the damn tournament," he said. "We're World Cup champions and no one can take that away from us."

Founders founder

They needed a victory.

What they got instead was a trouncing of such proportion that it left the nation reeling in shocked disbelief.

Most Ariddians had thought the days of such crushing scorelines safely behind them, and the Rouge-et-Noirs travelled to Legalese confident they could win and triumphantly hoist themselves up into a qualification spot. The match turned out to be a disaster. Goalkeeper Sandrine Leduc had been feeling unwell before the game began, but it was felt unwise to field a substitute keeper for such a crucial match. It soon became apparent, however, that Leduc was not in top shape, as she conceded two goals that she would otherwise easily have stopped.

Matters went from bad to worse as key defender Yves al Jahdali was sent off due to a tackle, a highly dubious decision by the referee, which sparked fury amongst Ariddian supporters in the stadium. Al Jahdali protested strenuously, but to no avail. And when fellow players Ue Alt, Frédéric Clément and Wol Eosh backed him up too insistently, all three were shown yellow cards. Seemingly incensed beyond control, Eosh told the referee just what she thought of him, and was swiftly shown a red card. Ariddia was down to nine players after just thirty-seven minutes.

The game resumed, as the crowd booed its displeasure, and things seemed to go a little better, as Ismail Faraj scored Ariddia’s first goal in the first minute of injury time. The goal was disallowed due to an offside, which was probably a correct call, but by now the Ariddians were far too tense to accept it. Faraj stormed off the field before the whistle was blown, and the referee promptly declared him to be out of the game. Ariddia was forced to start the second half with just eight players.

Although Leduc seemed a little less pale, the damage was already done. Predictably, Ariddia conceded three more goals, scored none at all, and finished on the disastrous result of nil goals to five, crushing their high hopes of qualifying.

“It was a disgrace!” Frédéric Clément said angrily after the match. “Three red cards, none of them justified. The whole thing was an utter shambles, and we’re very, very disappointed to finish the competition on a match like this.”

Rumours that Sandrine Leduc has now resigned from the national team, feeling herself to be responsible for Ariddia’s defeat, have not yet officially been confirmed.

Two Goal Win Makes It 3rd

A small report as our team goes home to prepare for the Cup of Harmony. Resting senoir players, Cuation cruised to a 2-0 win with goals for Rual Mendiz and Jamie Hargreves in the first half. This was enough to climb up to third place but the only thing that is felt is general dissapointment.

Well done to Schiavonia, letus hope they can continue playing so well.

HE'S BACK

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- In a shocking turn of events that belied the ease with which they qualified for the World Cup, Sarzonia have named a new head coach and IFF chairman to oversee the team's fortunes in World Cup XXVI. For the Stars, however, the new coach is a very familiar name as it belongs to the man who prowled the sidelines for the Stars during their run to the World Cup.

Yes, Dave Wilson is coming home.

The press conference announcing Wilson's return as head coach was attended by the President of the Incorporated States and the Vice President for Health and Athletics as they announced that Wilson would be named to both jobs "for the foreseeable future."

"I'm not in it just for the chance to ride off into the sunset," Wilson said in a press conference that was surprisingly devoid of humour. "I'm here because the organisation I lived and died with for many years needs a steady hand at the top. I'm here because I want to take part in bringing the World Cup back to Sarzonia where it belongs."

Wilson took few questions about his awkward departure from Hypocria and said "that team still has promise. I hope they do well, but getting a chance to coach here again is not a chance I wanted to pass up."

Wilson said he would begin a search for a new IFF president to supervise the day-to-day operations of the sport's governing body in Sarzonia "with all deliberate speed," but added that his first priority will be to return to the training facility and meet with the players.

"Brian's still on the team, so's Kevin, Mike Coyle, and Hor," Wilson said. "Other names I'm not as familiar with since I haven't seen them on a daily basis, but we had tapes of the Stars back in Hypocrium. I may not know all the players by name yet, but I'll know them by how they make their runs in training."

Wilson said assistant coach Brett Hancock would remain with the team as his top assistant and Cal Trottier would be taking the IFF presidency on an interim basis.

"Brett's the glue that kept that team together with the chaos involving Barry," Wilson said. "The team's 2-0 with him on the sidelines calling the shots, and I have enormous respect for Brett Hancock after facing the Stars in the AOCAF final. He's feisty. We need that on this team."

After the IFF's Board of Governors was effectively disbanded by President Mike Sarzo's executive order, Wilson said the structure of the organisation would be evaluated "exhaustively" after the World Cup.

"We're going to look at how much authority to give to the Board of Governors or even whether it should be a Board of Governors, a Board of Directors, or perhaps just a Board of Advisors," Wilson said. "The danger is in putting too much power into one body without checks and balances. We need to make sure the proper checks and balances are in place for the future."

However, for Dave Wilson, his new future is now, and it's on the sidelines of his once and current team. And that suits him just fine.

"I didn't like the bad taste losing in the finals left in my mouth when I moved on to Hypocria," Dave Wilson said. "Now I can get a chance to reverse that and win a championship for the Stars."

World Cup 26 News


Thank You and Goodnight


So while the likes of Schiavonia, Wentland, the Kazoo People and Cataduanes pack their bags for trips to Commerce Heights and Oliverry we are condemned to watch the World Cup from a distance. Admittedly it wasn’t the worst way to end the campaign, a home draw with top ranked One Red Dot followed by an away win in Palacetonia to finish it all off, but the final group table did not make attractive reading.
Region 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Oaker 22 6 4 2 26:13 13
2. One Red Dot 20 5 5 2 17:12 5
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3. Hurleyland 17 5 2 5 11:14 -3
4. Majeristan 16 3 7 2 16:13 3
5. Hypocria 16 4 4 4 17:22 -5
6. System Karela 12 1 9 2 1:2 -1
7. Palacetonia 6 1 3 8 10:22 -12
Four wins from twelve games, fifth place behind a team not even ranked in the top 200, the worst defensive record in Group 12 and a seven place drop in the rankings is nothing much to write home about. But the end of the qualification campaign was not the story that dominated the sports pages back in the Autocracy.


Wilson Returns


That’s right, the Hyppos might not be going to the World Cup Finals but their coach is. Dave Wilson has been confirmed as the new national coach of a Sarzonia, his second spell in charge. Sarzonian football has recently been rocked by a spate of controversial decisions that has resulted in major changes in the sports hierarchy. Incorporated Football Federation Chairman Terry Mangione was the biggest casualty after he was relieved from his post following an aborted plan to pull the Stars from the World Cup Finals. National coach Barry Owens was another victim, sacked by Mangione during the final days of his reign. Although Owens was eventual reinstated he resigned soon after, clearly fed up with the entire affair. Now Wilson is going home to sort out the mess.

HFA chief Alex Scott faced the media earlier today and said,

“Obviously we are pleased with what Dave achieved with us. We have a trophy that is testimony to his good work. We are sorry to part company with Dave but he received an offer he couldn’t refuse and we were not going to stand in his way. There are no hard feelings and we wish Dave the very best of luck in the future.”

It’s open to debate how truly sorry Scott really is about the whole thing considering Wilson was almost certain to leave after the AOCAF tournament in Chicanada anyway. One thing is certain, Hypocria is in need of a national coach. The overwhelming favourite for the vacancy is the former Pylos Reavers manager Alex Santoro who has been out of work since stepping down from the Hyper League side at the end of the season.


Qualification Schedule


Hypocria v System Karela (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (1 - 0)
Bye
Oaker v Hypocria (6 - 0)
Hurleyland v Hypocria (1 - 4)
Majeristan v Hypocria (4 - 1)
One Red Dot v Hypocria (2 - 2)
Hypocria v Palacetonia (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (1 - 2)
System Karela v Hypocria (0 - 0)
Bye
Hypocria v Oaker (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (2 - 3)
Hypocria v Hurleyland (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (1 - 0)
Hypocria v Majeristan (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (2 - 2)
Hypocria v One Red Dot (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 1)
Palacetonia v Hypocria (1 - 2)

rsssnsf.com Group 9 qualifying analysis

Group 9 had been considered to be the Group of Death – and indeed it proved fatal for the chances of Nedalia and Harlesburg, who were fancied to duke it out for second place, as well as Nanakaland who looked likely to qualify for much of the group stage. Instead Wentland, in their first World Cup, snuck through to qualify on the last day.

The first round of matches certainly did not give any indication of the fireworks to come. Squornshelous ruined Wentland’s debut with a five goal thrashing, and one would have expected them to come top and bottom of the group. Nedalia squeaked a 3-2 win out over Bazalonia, which suggested the latter might have been a threat, whilst the only minor shock was Nanakaland’s 3-1 win at the more highly ranked Harlesburg.

It was Round 2 that suggested something interesting might happen. Bazalonia held the mighty Squornshelous to a draw which enabled Nanakaland to go top with maximum points. Collonie’s World Cup bow culminated with a wonderful comeback from two goals down to steal a draw at home to Wentland. At this early stage it looked as if the Bazalopes would be the surprise package – but alas for them it was as good as it got. In their very next match they were dismantled by Collonie 5-1, the Men In Green perhaps relying on the element of surprise as they had scored eight goals in the first two matches with a refreshing attacking style.

Collonie’s good run continued with a 3-1 win over Harlesburg who were distinctly blowing hot and cold. The Nedalia Lions scored a wonderful victory over Squornshelous and after Round 4 the Pschychoes were looking distinctly wobbly; in second place but the surprising Collonie had a game in hand and matched their 7 points. Nanakaland were clear on nine points and looking good; the only blot on their record being a narrow defeat at Squornshelous.

However Squornshelous then took absolute control of the group. Their remaining matches saw them win 6 out of 8, their only defeats being a red-card-induced defeat at Wentland and a three-goal thrashing at Harlesburg, when the Pschychoes were already guaranteed the Group championship and were perhaps taking it easy. Their goals record for those games was 20 for, 8 against.

So as it turned out there was no drama about the Group winners. And half-way through it looked as if the other qualifier was a piece of cake as well. Nanakaland were top of the group, five points clear of the surprising Collonie in third, thanks to five wins from six. The main interest appeared to be in wooden spoon avoidance; Bazalonia moved off the bottom of the group with their first win, thanks to a controversial goal which sparked derisory legal proceedings when lampooned on Wentland television, but they were put straight back there when Wentland beat Harlesburg. But again that particular battle was anti-climactic as Bazalonia only scored two points in the back half.

So who would finish third? That was the only major issue at stake…or it would have been had it not been for the absolute collapse of Nanakaland. Sitting pretty on 16 points after seven matches, they lost 3-1 at Nedalia, 4-0 at home to Squornshelous, 1-0 to Wentland and 2-0 to Collonie. Four consecutive defeats going into the final match.

Perhaps it would be the impressive Collonie? Their win over Nanakaland would normally be considered a shock. After the first half it might almost have been expected. But they went into a slide as well, losing to Wentland, drawing at home with whipping-boys Bazalonia, and then a couple more defeats before the Nanakaland win. As it was, on the final day they were mathematically precluded from qualifying – a disaster after such a promising campaign.

That would normally have let in Nedalia or Harlesburg, but the ‘Burgians seemed almost disinterested, Nedalia almost frantic and both totally inconsistent. There was no consistent pattern to their performances and the only outstanding one was the Harlesburg win over a coasting Squornshelous, which put them in second place going into the final match.

They were to play Wentland, who had been on a bit of a tear in the second phase. Four wins on the trot put them level with Nanakaland after Matchday 11 with a game in hand, but nerves seemed to set in and they picked up one point in the next two.

That meant that, going into the final set of matches, any one of four teams could qualify. Harlesburg would qualify by beating Wentland; Wentland would qualify by beating Harlesburg. If the match ended in a draw, then Harlesburg would still qualify, unless Nedalia or Nanakaland won, in which case one of those teams would go through. And as their goal differences were so similar it was almost which would win by the biggest margin.

Nanakaland did all they could do with a nervy 1-0 win, thanks to a penalty, over Bazalonia, who despite picking up the wooden spoon were never outclassed except by Collonie. With Nedalia going down to a defeat, more Cubs than Lions, Nanakaland would be through if the Wentland-Harlesburg game ended in a draw.

But there was no tense finale. Wentland cruised through the game with absolute ease, two-nil up in the first few minutes and spending the second half in a carnival atmosphere. Harlesburg were devastated but only have themselves to blame, having gone into the last day in pole position, but playing with acute indifference. As it was the fairytale had come true; the team ranked 161st in the world, and clear bottom of the group after Matchday Six, had somehow made it to the Finals at the first time of asking.

The KPB Rankings, the ratings of all teams in the world of soccer calculated by an utterly complex formula which we cannot begin to describe, were released earlier today. The Kazoos, after a very successful World Cup 26 Qualifying campaign, which resulted in a Finals berth, rose to 42nd, up 78 places from its pre-World Cup 26 spot of 120th.

Let's see where everyone ended up:

▲▼ Change [New Rank] Team Name
Group 1
◄► [1] Sarzonia
▼ 1 [33] EL CID THE HERO
▼ 8 [58] Kericia
▲ 41 [T78] Apologetic Kittens
▲ 64 [97] Star Signs
▲ 139 [45] County Islands
▲ 86 [123] Montrique

Group 2
▼ 1 [11] Krytenia
▲ 14 [13] Hockey Canada
▼ 14 [62] The Weegies
▲ 6 [55] Spaam
▲ 67 [88] Northern Voobaha
▲ 64 [120] Fbrenia
▲ 133 [76] FSX

Group 3
▲ 2 [5] Total n Utter Insanity
▲ 5 [23] Spruitland
▼ 9 [54] Lethislavania
▲ 7 [60] Andossa Se Mitrin Vega
▲ 55 [106] Errinundera
▲ 107 [T77] Dehny
▲ 107 [T102] Very Angry Rabbits

Group 4
▼ 1 [3] Rejistania
▼ 4 [38] Kaze Progressa
▲ 9 [46] Cuation
▲ 26 [56] Kudlastan
▲ 108 [31] Schiavonia
▲ 79 [105] Pyrologists911
▲ 61 [148] Alexandrian Ptolemais

Group 5
▲ 4 [12] Crystilakere
▲ 7 [14] Vilita
▼ 10 [51] Chicanada
▼ 17 [87] Euroslavia
▲ 69 [70] Gruenberg
▲ 54 [T124] North Fenris
▲ 120 [64] Hoolabaloola

Group 6
▼ 18 [26] Turori
▲ 6 [20] Casari
▲ 2 [43] Yafor 2
▲ 16 [67] Swilatia
▲ 78 [42] The Kazoo Peoples
▲ 99 [85] Rolatia
▲ 106 [93] Hiiraan

Group 7
▲ 1 [2] Starblaydia
▲ 11 [22] New Montreal States
▲ 1 [48] The Lowland Clans
▲ 23 [69] The Macabees
▲ 53 [145] Southern Universe
▲ 55 [116] Dagabom
▲ 105 [100] Keyshona

Group 8
▼ 2 [8] Liverpool England
▼ 5 [30] Five Civilized Nations
▼ 5 [63] Pastorville
▲ 72 [32] The Islands of Qutar
▲ 87 [68] East Lithuania
▲ 79 [82] Firania
▲ 111 [98] Language Teachers

Group 9
◄► [4] Squornshelous
◄► [35] Nedalia
▼ 11 [50] Harlesburg
▲ 6 [53] Nanakaland
▲ 22 [104] Bazalonia
▲ 120 [41] Wentland
▲ 107 [T77] Collonie

Group 10
▲ 2 [10] Audioslavia
▼ 4 [21] Lovisa
▼ 6 [59] Tonissia
▲ 36 [66] Ariddia
▲ 70 [65] Legalese
▲ 92 [86] Thergo
▲ 110 [91] Havl

Group 11
▼ 1 [6] Bedistan
▼ 1 [37] Oglethorpia
▲ 9 [29] The Archregimancy
▼ 129 [189] PopularFreedom
▲ 69 [89] Anathematic Republics
▲ 145 [39] Cataduanes
▲ 119 [90] United Island Empires

Group 12
◄► [15] One Red Dot
▲ 2 [16] Oaker
▼ 7 [47] Hypocria
▲ 3 [71] System Karela
▲ 77 [T72] Majeristan
▲ 54 [T124] Palacetonia
▲ 120 [81] Hurleyland

Group 13
▼ 7 [18] Cockbill Street
◄► [19] Eauz
▼ 5 [61] Elrich
▲ 52 [36] Giant Zucchini
▲ 77 [T72] Amorah
▲ 98 [80] Nezza
▲ 107 [T102] Dance 2 Revolution

Group 14
▲ 4 [9] Fmjphoenix
▼ 4 [27] Bettia
▲ 15 [28] Praying2God
▼ 19 [95] Da WhoseLine People
▲ 71 [84] The Ardenne
▲ 82 [79] Tanah Burung
▲ 111 [94] Basicota

Group 15
▲ 2 [7] Tadjikistan
▲ 7 [17] Jeruselem
▲ 3 [44] Milchama
▲ 49 [57] Rordia
▲ 49 [T110] Artoonia
▲ 85 [99] Race City
▲ 99 [T110] McPsychoville


The largest increase in rank was [39] Cataduanes, who increased their rank to 39th from 184th, a 145-rank increase.

The largest decrease in rank was PopularFreedom, whose withdrawal from Qualification gave them negative points, putting them in last place for rankings, at 189th, a drop of 129 ranks from their pre-withdrawal 60th.

The largest non-withdrawal decrease was Da WhoseLine People, who went from 76th to 95th, a 19-rank drop.

Two groups had all of their teams increase in rank: Group 15 and Group 7.

Group 6 could arguably be the craziest group in the qualification for World Cup 26.

With the top seed finishing dead last (#8 Turori), and the fifth seed grabbing the other qualifying spot (#120 The Kazoo Peoples), it was a crazy ride. The final standings, and a review of each team, and why they finished there:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Casari 20 5 5 2 18:12 6
2. The Kazoo Peoples 16 3 7 2 18:13 5
------------------------------------------------------
3. Yafor 2 16 3 7 2 14:12 2
4. Swilatia 15 3 6 3 17:18 -1
5. Rolatia 15 3 6 3 13:17 -4
6. Hiiraan 14 4 2 6 21:26 -5
7. Turori 10 1 7 4 18:21 -3

Casari, 5-5-2, 20 points. A frontrunner from the start (won 1-0 in first match, tied for second on goal difference), and undefeated until matchday 10 (2-6-0 through nine days and eight games, until they lost to Swilatia 2-1), they were the team to beat. Officially took the lead on matchday 5, and they never looked back. Had the best goal difference (+6) in Group 6, and allowed the least goals (12).
The Kazoo Peoples, 3-7-2, 16 points. One of only five teams with seven draws (Turori, Yafor 2, Group 6; Language Teachers, Group 8; Majeristan, Group 12), and the only one to qualify for the finals, the Kazoos really showed determination on their way to their first qualification into the Finals in as many appearances in qualification. Advanced, but just barely, after a matchday 14 win and a Yafor 2 loss, they were still tied with Yafor 2, but superior goal difference allowed the Kazoos to advance. It should be noted here that "The Kazoo Peoples" may also be known as "TKP" in other nations.
Yafor 2, 3-7-2, 16 points. Though they tied for allowing the fewest goals (12), they were second to last in scoring goals (14). This fatal combination gave the Golden Wolves a paltry +2 goal difference, and eventually led to their demise, as they lost on a tiebreak. They did stop the then-undefeated team of Casari on Matchday 10 though.
Swilatia, 3-6-3, 15 points. A very tough team, as they gave Hiiraan their fifth loss, essentially knocking them out of qualification hopes. Couldn't stop The Kazoo Peoples away, as they lost 3-1 to the Kazoos on the final matchday. A win for Swilatia could have put them in the Finals, but the Kazoos were too much. Nevertheless, a good team though.
Rolatia, 3-6-3, 15 points. Gave it their all, but it just wasn't enough. They did kill Yafor 2's qualification hopes, as they defeated them and allowed the Kazoos to enter the Finals. Having the fewest goals in Group 6 (13) didn't help them any.
Hiiraan, 4-2-6, 14 points. Though having the greatest number of goals (21), and the second-most amount of wins (4), their abysmal goals scored (26), goal difference (-5), and the most amount of losses in Group 6 (6) accounted for their demise. Better luck next year.
Turori, 1-7-4, 10 points. The top seed going in, Turori hangs their head in shame exiting Group 6. Finishing last, having the second-most amount of goals allowed (21). Very disappointing finish -- I thought better of them.

PALADINS LOOK BACK AT GROUP 7

Except there's nothing to see, really

NEW MONTREAL - We'd comment on the events and drama of WC26 qualifers, but we haven't seen any around us, so we'll leave that to others.

Yep, this has been a bit of a snoozer, with Starblaydia dominating and the Clans and Golden Throne never really getting into their groove. Paladins fans tired of the stress and drama that the last few games of group 10 in WC25 put them through have had cause to rejoice, but looking on from the outside - such as watching upstart Cataduanes knock out our friends and potential co-hosts (although no official bid has been launched) - just doesn't seem to have the same thrill for the Paladins as being in the thick of things.

Oh, sure, upsets blazed across the boards - unknowns TKP and the Islands of Qutar blazed into the Cup alongside Cataduanes, where they will have every major side on edge and midlevel teams such as ourselves in fear of an upset. Schivonia took up Druida's heritage and grabbed a spot for the madness. Some place called Turori got knocked to the bottom of their group, but since we've never played them or even heard from them, we wouldn't know if this was a surprise or not. The forces of Hell defeated world power Bedistan in their maiden voyage through the World Cup.

And, of course, there was the usually riots and so forth in PopularFreedom as they withdrew early from play and dropped to the bottom of the world rankings.

And now the Paladins have cracked the top 30 as they prepare to head from Commerce Heights or Oliverry to get their block knocked by their elders and betters. A World Cup hosting bid is rumored. William Branstone has added french profanity to his sizable command of english pejoratives. And every fan in the States hopes to finish better than 33rd in the coming clashes.

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BASSETT - WE JUST WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

In the press conference after the Badger's humiliating 3-0 defeat at the hands of Nezza, Mike Bassett conceded that his Elrichian side had not done enough to deserve to qualify for World Cup 26.

"We've had a great chance here and blew it. We were the third highest ranked team in the group. We only avoided finishing bottom on goal difference. We've only won three games. Our ranking has decreased. With Cockbill Street being deducted points, if we'd have finished 3rd in the group, where our initial ranking put us in stature, we probably would have made it. We can only think what might have been. You can't expect to lose some of the games that we did and qualify."

Bassett is speaking of the two defeats at the hands of the lowly ranked and press-less Amorah, as well as the humiliating defeat to unranked Dance2Revolution and the final day 3-0 drubbing at the hands of similarly lowly Nezza. If Elrich had won those games they would have qulified. They didn't. An eventful World Cup campaign for the Badgers, but one, ultimately, which yet again ends in dissapointment.

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

THE MONASTIC TIMES

SATANIC REFEREE THROWS MATCH
Schismatics Qualify for World Cup at First Attempt

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

For the third consecutive tournament, the Archregimancy were eliminated on the final day of qualifying, though this time - for the first time ever - it was against a team they were expected to beat: Cataduanes, Catholic schismatics and Baptism of Fire entrants competing in their first ever World Cup.

Needing only a draw to qualify in second, the monks collapsed spectacularly away from home, though controversy still surrounds the appointment of a referee from the Anathematic Republics: Simon Magus, father of heresy. This fact has been hidden from their public by Cataduanes, but this reporter shall not shirk from revealing the unseemly truth.

If the sight of the referee hovering over the pitch while giving off the whiff of brimstone wasn't enough, the sudden proof that Catholics were quite prepared to consort with Satan in order to gain the upper hand over the Orthodox Church sent the team into such shock that for the fourth time this tournament the Archregimancy found themselves down 2-0 at halftime.

Worse was to follow when the hosting nation refused permission for a halftime liturgy in the visitor's locker-room unless the visitors inserted the filioque into the creed and acknowledged the authority of the Pope of Rome. Despite these setbacks, the squad immediately replied after the re-start with a superb free-kick from Fr. David, sending fans across the nation into prayer that they'd repeat the two goal comeback heroics previously seen against Bedistan, United Island Empires, and the flouncing stropmeisters of PopularFreedom.

But it wasn't to be. Soon Satan and the Catholics would conspire to defeat the brave Orthodox.

In the 72nd minute, Ribera's goal for Cataduanes was allowed by Simon Magus despite Ribera clearly being a yard offside. The Archregimancy dominated the last 20 minutes, but couldn't score. Right back Fr. Michael the Lesser hit the post with an extraordinary 40 yard shot, but thanks the heretic referee, that was as close as they'd come. Even Cataduanes newspapers concede that the 80th minute incident in which Fr. Silouan was booked for 'diving' was controversial. Fr. Silouan was mercilessly hacked down in the area by Suramaga, but the heretical demonic referee backed the Catholics instead of the God-fearing Orthodox monks.

Such was the commotion after this incident that the Archregimancy squad tried to exorcise the referee on the spot, leading to yellow cards for dissent against both Fr. Justinian and Fr. Michael the New Hermit when they realised they'd left their Holy Water in the locker-room, and they'd have to complete the match with the Father of Heresy wielding the whistle, despite further protests from Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky.

And so the final whistle blew. Satan had gained his revenge for the two defeats inflicted on his squad by the Archregimancy, and the Holy Synod had further proof of the need to keep Catholics at arm's length.

But it was a pyrrhic victory for the adverseries, for the good news is that the Archregimancy is - for the first time ever - ranked in the top 30 (despite never qualifying for the World Cup). And with a World Cup co-hosting bid rumoured... as has been so often the case, temporary defeat may well lead to a greater victory.

When Dave Wilson assumed the head coaching position for the first time in the midst of Cup of Harmony IX, the Sarzonian national football team was in disarray. They'd just lost legendary head coach Bryan Marshall to an automobile accident and were languishing at 0-0-2 in the Cup of Harmony. Wilson came in a virtual unknown assured of nothing but a chance to compete for the right to remove "acting" from his title.

Flash forward to the aftermath of World Cup XXVI. An older and grayer Wilson returned to the team he led to a World Cup championship with the Stars reeling from a different sort of cataclysm. Instead of burying a living, breathing member of the organisation, the Stars were left picking up the pieces of shattered confidence in the organisation itself.

"This is similar in a lot of ways to the challenges when Bryan died," Wilson said. "The fact that the team is facing difficulty from events having nothing to do with what happens on the pitch certainly casts a pall on the team. It's a very different sort of pall, but I'm going to have to play psychologist as much as head coach."

Wilson has said that assistant coach Brett Hancock will have an increased set of responsibilities with the team and he said he's convinced former Junior Stars Under 21 national team coach Cal Trottier to serve as interim IFF president in an effort to allow him to do both jobs. Wilson said the intervening days since his departure from Hypocria and his return to Woodstock have given him an opportunity to think about the way he wants the Incorporated Football Federation established.

"It's clear to me that the powers that be who rehired me want me to have the kind of job security Barry [Owens, the former national team coach] didn't have," Wilson said. "That said, I'm first and foremost a football coach. I'm not a politician and I would rather not devote significant time to doing both jobs or dealing with bureaucrats."

Wilson said he has proposed a setup where the IFF president has many of the powers former IFF chairmen once had, leaving the chairmanship as a non-executive position. The proposal removes much of the autocracy that led former IFF boss Terry Mangione to fire Owens. However, in that set up, the IFF chairman still could not be removed by the president, and the president would have to secure the approval of the IFF board of governors before making a decision on the head coach.

"There weren't enough checks and balances built into the position," Wilson said. "Somehow, we'd gotten away from the way we have strived for stability in Sarzonia. I'm both the second and fourth head coach the Stars have had, and this is the second time we've changed coaches since World Cup XXIV ended. I'd hoped to see Barry leave on his own terms long after my time as a coach would have come to an end."

Wilson addressed his departure from Hypocria for the first time, saying he wished he didn't leave the Hyppos organisation abruptly after World Cup XXVI ended, but he added, "I don't think they have much patience over there.

"Rome wasn't built in a day and if the IFF were as impatient with me as the HFA were, I wouldn't have lasted nearly as long in Sarzonia as I did," Wilson said. "That team is likely to make it to the World Cup sooner, rather than later. I really wanted to see that through, but this confluence of events has led me here. Now I want to see this through and have getting Sarzonia back on track be my legacy."

If anyone didn't have to worry about his legacy in the game, it would be Dave Wilson. With three trophies to his credit and a runner up medal from World Cup XXIV, Wilson has the hardware to ensure a trip to the Hall of Fame whenever his career finally ends. But Wilson said he wasn't interested in talking about his past glories or his more recent work with Hypocria.

"The past only buys you relationships," Wilson said. "It's giving me a much larger rope for me to hang myself over on that tree. I'm not here to live off the past. I'm here to see us move toward a brighter future."

Whether that future includes a second World Cup championship is anyone's guess. But if Dave Wilson has anything to do with it, he'll give it every effort.

"This team still has the same sort of determination it had when I left," he said. "Hypocria were beginning to develop that during my tenure there. If there's anything I can bring to the table, it's the fact I hate to lose at anything."

Nolan's 6th hat trick ends record setting qualification run

Despite not scoring in a 1-1 draw to Basicota, Mike Nolan still topped the goalscoring charts all around, netting 24 goals in the first 11 matches, averaging more than 2 a match. But Nolan was not done with his scoring, as he put Praying2God on their knees by avenging the 2-0 loss in the first leg with his 8th hattrick of the qualification, scoring all three goals in the second half. With Nolan securing the Vikings 10th win of qualifying, it also secured that the Vikings would have the best record for the qualification, going 10-1-1 with 31 points, narrowly edging out Total n Utter Insanity (10-0-2) and Starblaydia (9-3-0). With that record, Fmjphoenix jumped up 4 spots in the KPB rankings, coming in 9th, the first time the Vikings have been a top ten ranked team.

Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26 Qualification
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
Record: 10-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 27
B. Dougood - 5
S. Ijanaeil - 2
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1

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BFA unveils new national team kits

GRACEVILLE -- At a press conference this afternoon, leading representatives of the Bedistan Football Association presented the new kits that the Bedistan Lions will be wearing in World Cup 26 in Commerce Heights and/or Oliverry.

The kits were designed by Starblaydi sportswear company Ediraf, which has also designed kits for several other prominent footballing nations.

"I'm glad we finally worked out the deal," said BFA president Sam Bacon. "I just don't think we would have gotten the respect we deserve in World Cup 26 if we didn't have any kits and had to continue playing in the nude."

Ilium resident Michael Eddins was less enthusiastic, though. "Why do you think I've been watching the games? A few of the women on that team aren't exactly eyesores, if you get my drift," he said while nudging this reporter.

Home match attendance was significantly greater for World Cup 26 qualifiers compared with the average over the last eighty years, with Fillmore National Stadium often selling out even for games against nearly-unknown sides.

The new kits:
http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/BediHome27.png http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/BediAway27.png

Obituary notice

Tanah Burung's world cup run died, suddenly. It passed away angrily in the 90th minute of a clash with Praying2God, by defensive lapse and heart stopping.

The Burungi world cup run was born 12 matches ago and survived on a wing and a prayer into middle age. Few expected the sickly child to get very far, but little TB had his chance at the brass ring, managing an upset and leaping past stronger children until falling short at the final hurdle.

The deceased is survived by Tanah Burung's Cup of Harmony hopes. Memorial service to take place at the Cathedral of Burung-yang-membuat-dunia on the 19th of Ukunari at 3pm. Donations in lieu of flowers may be made to the Nicer Uniforms fund, Orphanage of St. Judy, Matebian City.

A message arrived from His Majesty at the squad get-together in Donington from where the 23 were going to watch the World Cup draw.

***~~~***

From the Royal Court of Wentland.

Whereas His Majesty has observed the Progress of the Wentland Football Association First Select with Interest

And whereas the Wentland Select has disported itself with Vigour and eminent Success

And whereas the Wentland Select shall be representing His Majesty in the World Cup of Football

And whereas His Majesty has received many Petitions from many divers Persons of the Kingdom

IT IS HEREBY DECREED THAT

The Order of the Swift be bestowed on the Wentland Football Association First Select

And in Accordance with said Honour

The Wentland Football Association First Select shall bear the Swift as its Escutcheon on its Jerseys

And

The Wentland Football Association First Select shall be entitled to be referenced as The Swifts.

DATED this day HEREUNDER

***~~~***

Palacetonia Football Association

We are pleased with our preliminary foray into international football competition. As a newbie (as we believe the term is) we did not expect much and we have clearly learnt enormous amounts from playing teams that are much better. We can only learn for the future and our players will come away with a great deal of experience.

Obviously our highlights are a win over Hypocria and various draws that we scraped against much stronger opposition.

We are pleased with such a large jump in our KPB rankings which must rank amongst the higher rises.

We now announced that we will apply to play in the Cup of Harmony and also sign up for World Cup 27. Whether this be construed as self harming remains to be seen.

We and obviously with Iain Corder will sit down to discuss the makeup of the roster list and see if any lessons are to be learnt from the matches that we have played so far.

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Famous Cups:

The Cup of Noodles

The cup of noodles is very popular. The cup of noodles sits on the side of a building, somehow, the most prominent advertising spot in the most prominent part of the great fictional city of Zoo Yurk, made popular by the early Vilitan story teller Suomis Jifferthon and his fictional work about the transition from an indian village to a commercial island. The cup of noodles is also referred to by those who like to put noodles in a cup and eat them.


The Cup of Good Hope

It is the belief of many early Vilitan historians that the Cup of Good Hope is a name used by the early Northern inhabitants of the island to categorize the point where the Western and Eastern coasts of the island nation meet. Oddly, early accounts of the Cup of Good Hope show drawings depicting the point in the southern section of the country, which is obviously just an error by the less intelligent early inhabitants and their sense of direction.


The Cup of El Cid

The Cup of El Cid will be widely remembered as being the cup where EL CID THE HERO finally ceased to exist. After many sketchy appearances, EL CID met the fate many have been wishing on Lovisa and Oaker for years. In it's wake, El Cid The Hero opened the doors for 184th ranked County Islands to qualify for their first world cup finals. It is thought that, before the cup of El Cid, the lowest ranking nation to ever make the world cup finals was approximately 82nd ranked. During the World Cup 26 Group Draw, only 1 of the 8 teams in Pot D were able to achieve a ranking higher than 82nd. 184th ranked County Island, qualifying on account of a technicality and some really screwed up luck, Re-Wrote the history books, hopefully for the last time. The Cup of El Cid is also used to refer to a small but firm object used to protect some rebel dudes manly parts.

The Cup of Revenge

The Cup of Revenge, which will occur later this week, will be a shining moment for the Vilitan nation. It was the all-time record highest scoring sanctioned World Cup match, and despite scoring seven goals, the Vilita Jungle Cats were on the losing end. But after many years of training and dissapointing performances, the Jungle Cats are ready for their revenge when they square off against Bedistan in Group C as the two teams clash looking for a place in the Second Round of th World Cup 26 Finals in Oliverry and C$!&!&$omm!**@#Rce@*($*@ He!G9209T$$$.

The draw for the first round of World Cup 26 has taken place:

In Commerce Heights (stadia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9958599&postcount=3)):

Note about 쇼카지 (Syokaji) city names: The city in which Capitalizm is located should be called “유포 (Yu-po),” except when 한글 (Hangeul) characters are unavailable—which is not true of these forums—in which case “’Yupo,” including the apostrophe, is acceptable. Similarly, the location of the Sokojito Überdome should be called “소코지토 도시 (Sokojito Dosi),” or “Sokojito Dosi” if 한글 (Hangeul) characters are unavailable.

Note about Jativan (Qátivem) city names: The cities of Aeropag and Cirto can be referred to in either that form or their Noterelenda names, Éropeg and Sirto. You probably want to use the English names exclusively, unless you happen to be Bedistan. :p

Group A
[3] Starblaydia
[19] Eauz
[26] Casari
[104] The Islands of Qutar

Matchday 1:
Starblaydia vs The Islands of Qutar at Anaphase Alchemy Stadium
Eauz vs Casari at CDA National Stadium

Matchday 2:
Starblaydia vs Casari at CDA National Stadium
Eauz vs The Islands of Qutar at Anaphase Alchemy Stadium

Matchday 3:
Starblaydia vs Eauz at CDA National Stadium
Casari vs The Islands of Qutar at Anaphase Alchemy Stadium

Group B
[2] Rejistania
[16] Crystilakere
[33] New Montreal States
[43] Praying2God

Matchday 1:
Rejistania vs Praying2God at Cliff Broquard Stadium
Crystilakere vs New Montreal States at Auswärtssieg Arena

Matchday 2:
Rejistania vs New Montreal States at Auswärtssieg Arena
Crystilakere vs Praying2God at Cliff Broquard Stadium

Matchday 3:
Rejistania vs Crystilakere at Auswärtssieg Arena
New Montreal States vs Praying2God at Cliff Broquard Stadium

Group C
[5] Bedistan
[15] One Red Dot
[21] Vilita
[184] County Islands

Matchday 1:
Bedistan vs County Islands at Orange-Green Bowl (Bole Anorade-Vigre)
One Red Dot vs Vilita at Cirto Seaside Stadium (Stádie Iladímire Sirtem)

Matchday 2:
Bedistan vs Vilita at Cirto Seaside Stadium (Stádie Iladímire Sirtem)
One Red Dot vs County Islands at Orange-Green Bowl (Bole Anorade-Vigre)

Matchday 3:
Bedistan vs One Red Dot at Cirto Seaside Stadium (Stádie Iladímire Sirtem)
Vilita vs County Islands at Orange-Green Bowl (Bole Anorade-Vigre)

Group D
[9] Tadjikistan
[29] Commerce Heights
[10] Krytenia
[88] Giant Zucchini

Matchday 1:
Tadjikistan vs Giant Zucchini at Capitalizm
Commerce Heights vs Krytenia at Sokojito Überdome

Matchday 2:
Tadjikistan vs Krytenia at Sokojito Überdome
Commerce Heights vs Giant Zucchini at Capitalizm

Matchday 3:
Tadjikistan vs Commerce Heights at Sokojito Überdome
Krytenia vs Giant Zucchini at Capitalizm

In Oliverry (stadia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9961800&postcount=8)):

Group E
[4] Squornshelous
[18] Oaker
[24] Jeruselem
[161] Wentland

Matchday 1:
Squornshelous vs Wentland at King’s Palacium
Oaker vs Jeruselem at Ennemies’ Complex

Matchday 2:
Squornshelous vs Jeruselem at Ennemies’ Complex
Oaker vs Wentland at King’s Palacium

Matchday 3:
Squornshelous vs Oaker at King’s Palacium
Jeruselem vs Wentland at Ennemies’ Complex

Group F
[6] Liverpool England
[13] Fmjphoenix
[28] Spruitland
[139] Schiavonia

Matchday 1:
Liverpool England vs Schiavonia at Dôme de Saint-François
Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland at Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche

Matchday 2:
Liverpool England vs Spruitland at Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia at Dôme de Saint-François

Matchday 3:
Liverpool England vs Fmjphoenix at Dôme de Saint-François
Spruitland vs Schiavonia at Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche

Group G
[7] Total n Utter Insanity
[12] Audioslavia
[27] Hockey Canada
[184] Cataduanes

Matchday 1:
Total n Utter Insanity vs Cataduanes at Holy Empire Stadium
Audioslavia vs Hockey Canada at Le Stade Français de Perpignant

Matchday 2:
Total n Utter Insanity vs Hockey Canada at Le Stade Français de Perpignant
Audioslavia vs Cataduanes at Holy Empire Stadium

Matchday 3:
Total n Utter Insanity vs Audioslavia at Holy Empire Stadium
Hockey Canada vs Cataduanes at Le Stade Français de Perpignant

Group H
[31] Oliverry
[1] Sarzonia
[17] Lovisa
[120] The Kazoo Peoples

Matchday 1:
Oliverry vs The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden
Sarzonia vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium

Matchday 2:
Oliverry vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium
Sarzonia vs The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden

Matchday 3:
Oliverry vs Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden
Lovisa vs The Kazoo Peoples at Pepsioli Stadium


Group play will most likely begin on Monday.

GET YOUR WAR-HATS ON
!Audioslavia drawn with Total 'n Utter Insanity!

A huge cheer went up around the country as the 'slaves were drawn in TnUI's group for the 26th world cup.

The 'slaves and the Insanicians have had a long and turbulent rivalry since, well, the dawn of time, yet there has been little in the way of football between the two nations. The most famous results came in World Cup 10 and World Cup 11 when the two sides met in the first round, with the 'slaves coming out 1-0 winners in both to the ecstatic delight of the nation. The world cup 11 win was, however, marred by controversy, as goalscorer John Harrison was rumoured to have been assasinated after the game in a series of attacks on the Audioslavian team by the TnUFBI.

The next game between the two sides was in World Cup 14, with the Insanicians avenging the defeats by demolishing the 'slaves by three goals to nil. A 2-1 home win in the return leg saw the 'slaves snatch a bit of pride back. However, the worst was yet to come.

In a World Cup 21 campaign which expected the 'slaves to get to the final for an unpresedented third time in succession, Audioslavia's hopes were dashed in a heart-breaking 2-1 defeat to TnUI in the quarter final. Coupled with the puritan up-rising just days later, it seemed that this result would be the last football match Audioslavia would ever play in. The idea that the Insanicians had finally slain the 'slaves was one that was hard to swallow for many a 'slavian, yet the team bounced back from near-extinction and has been on a steady rise since.

On matchday three at the Holy Empire Stadium, Oliverry, the 'slaves will have a chance to take their revenge on Total 'n Utter Insanity. However, there are two other teams in the group just as ready and willing to whip the carpet from under Tarturo Magasara's feet.

Hockey Canada are the most notable nation, a team that did well in the Jeremy Jaffacake Jamboree but have yet to convert that promise into world cup finals form. The 'slaves will also have to be wary of Cataduanes, a previously unknown team ranked 184th in the world, who yet managed to qualify over much fancied The Archregimancy in qualifying.

One cannot overlook Hockey Canada and Cataduanes before that fateful match on matchday three, but the Audioslavia - Total 'n Utter Insanity game will still be bloody spectacular.

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, saying 'Fuck the insanicians!', g'nite bitches

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b20/Casari/4sport.png

Group Draw watched eagerly by those who care to see balls drawn from bowls
Naturally draw loses horribly in ratings

Because it's important and probably important to report on, 4sport went to Commerce Heights to watch the dullest part of international soccer, the Group Stage Draw, live and in person.

To be honest, it didn't dissapoint.

Casari got drawn in Group A, which if nothing else makes it easy to find our results on the results sheets. But more important than the group we're in is who exactly else is the the group we're in as well.

Eauz - World Ranking 19
We've never played Eauz before, but from what I can tell we've only heard good things, we suppose. However, we'll definately know more about them after we play them in the first match at CDA National Stadium.

Starblaydia - Defending world champions, World Ranking 3
It's not like we've never met Starblaydia before. They were the ones who went through the trouble of knocking us out of the last World Cup. Then they went on to win the whole thing. In a way, that should say we know what to expect, but against a top-5 team, does knowing what to expect really matter? Also at CDA, for those planning to make the journey.

The Islands of Qutar - World Ranking 104
A shock qualifier from the qualifying round, should be a a decent performance for me in one of Commerce Heights' most historical, and therefore best stadiums, Anaphase Alchemy Stadium.

Well, that's all well and good, but how will we do? The way this cup has gone, it might just be better to wait and find out.

Another Own Goal!
Episode 12: Arrival at Commerce Heights

…and…out from the sliding glass doors…hoards and hoards of people…in green jackets…some tall…some short…but all nonetheless excited…this…could be the pinnacle of their career…outside…beyond the barriers…thousands, millions even…of reporters and cameramen…the bright flashes of light…the fame and the glory…as the Rejistanian team passed in front of them.

But…far behind…lurking in the shadows…in a beige trenchcoat…a mysterious visitor…with thin, spindly fingers…in a queer shade of green…

To be continued…


Giant Zucchini’s Department of Number Crunching and Data Spewing presents:

Match stats:

Tadjikistan – 0


Giant Zucchini – 9
Urk (7, 16, 19, 26, 48, 53, 58, 71, 79)


Commerce Heights – 0


Giant Zucchini – 29
Urk (2, 4, 7, 10, 12, 15, 17, 20, 22, 24, 27, 29, 31, 33, 35, 37, 40, 44, 48, 56, 62, 65, 74, 76, 78, 80, 82, 85, 88)


Krytenia – 0


Giant Zucchini – 10
Urk (6, 8, 18, 34, 36, 40, 64, 67, 73, 88)

(The aforementioned matches were played using the magnificent in-flight entertainment system.)


Giant Zucchini stats:

Top Goalscorers:
Urk - 48
Johann Rilke – 5
Absamat Chekhov – 2
Armand Boyer – 2
Gottlieb Poulsen – 2
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Fra di ser Tartini - 2
Mikhail Glinka – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1
Boudewijn Brugghen – 1

Yellow Cards:
Dino Nuvolari – 1
Domingo Ferrero – 1
Armand Boyer – 1
Gottlieb Poulsen – 1

Red Cards:
Mikhail Glinka – 1

WARRIORS UNDERDOGS IN WC XXVI GROUP PLAY

The Praying2God Warriors, making their debut in the WC finals, were drawn as the worst ranked team entering group play in Group B, which statistically is the proverbial "Group of Death" with all four teams being ranked in the top-50 in the world. The Warriors opponents will all be familiar foes, as the Warriors have met them all before. The Warriors will be extremely hard pressed to qualify out of such a tough group, but as they've already proved in this WC by overcoming an eight point deficit to Bettia to qualify, anything is possible. Somewhat ironically, the Warriors' group is playing in Commerce Heights who was in Praying2God a couple of years ago for CoH XVII. Here's a look at who else is in the Warriors' group:


Rejistania (ranked 2nd): One of the most famous soccer teams in the world for its history of success in the WC is an extremely tough draw for the Warriors. The Warriors encountered Rejistania in the JJJ that preceeded WC XXV and came out of the match with a scoreless draw. That may have been a match in a tournament that has no influence on the rankings, but it has to be a cause for hope if you're a Warriors fan. It should be a great display of defensive soccer.

Crystilakere (16th): Another legendary side in WC lore. They've had some problems since their glory days, but remain a very good team. The Warriors do not have a positive memory of Crystilakere, losing twice to them in WC XX qualifying. However, Crystilakere was ranked 3rd in the world at the time after winning WC XIX, and the Warriors were in their first WC after a long time on the sidelines. So, there is some reason for optimism if you're a Warriors fan, but not much. This will be a tough match for the Warriors.

New Montreal States (33rd): The team closest ranked to the Warriors doesn't have nearly the international fame of the other two teams that the Warriors will have to face, but are still a very good team. The Warriors history against them comes in the form of a 3-3 draw in the fiasco otherwise known as CoH XVI, which was co-hosted by NMS. This would statistically seem to be the Warriors best chance for a win, but it very easily could be a NMS blow-out as well. It should be an entertaining match to watch.

Praying2God (43rd): We're the long shot in this group, but stranger things have happened over the years in the WC. The Warriors finished strong, but also got very lucky. Is God (and Margaret) on the Warriors side? We'll just have to wait and see.


Predictions:
1. Rejistania-7 points
2. Crystilakere-4 points
3. New Montreal States-1 point
4. Praying2God-1 point


Predictions for the other groups:

Group A:
1. Starblaydia (3)
2. Eauz (19)
3. Casari (26)
4. The Islands of Qutar (104)

Group C:
1. Bedistan (5)
2. Vilita (21)
3. One Red Dot (15)
4. County Islands (184)

Group D:
1. Krytenia (10)
2. Commerce Heights (29)
3. Tadjikistan (9)
4. Giant Zucchini (88)

Group E:
1. Squornshelous (4)
2. Oaker (18)
3. Jeruselem (24)
4. Wentland (161)

Group F:
1. Liverpool England (6)
2. Fmjphoenix (13)
3. Spruitland (28)
4. Schiavonia (139)

Group G:
1. Total n Utter Insanity (7)
2. Audioslavia (12)
3. Hockey Canada (27)
4. Catadunes (184)

Group H:
1. Sarzonia (1)
2. Oliverry (31)
3. Lovisa (17)
4. The Kazoo Peoples (120)

The squad watched in 625 line glory as Mr Fifa drew out the numbered balls for the World Cup groups. Bluff had been quoted as saying he did not care whom the Swifts would play, a point was the height of ambition and any group would be a difficult one.

Wentland was naturally in the bottom seed and the groups were three-quarters complete before Mr Fifa deigned to reach the last goldfish bowl.

There was however an audible sigh of relief when Group C was completed by County Islands, on paper it looked to be the hardest, but utter disbelief when Wentland's token was drawn out for Group E.

"Squornshelous? AGAIN? I thought there was something to stop you playing a team from your qualifying group..."

The disappointment was not so much at the fear of playing one of the top-ranked teams in the world, after all Wentland had actually beaten the Pschychoes in qualifying (albeit a 10-man side); it was the hope of playing more teams and gaining more experience.

Bluff sighed, and arranged the organizations for the flights to the World Cup. Next stop Oliverry...

Familiar Faces All Around

Squornshelous is placed in Group E with three teams they've met with before

Group E
[4] Squornshelous
[18] Oaker
[24] Jeruselem
[161] Wentland

Matchday 1:
Squornshelous vs Wentland at King’s Palacium
Oaker vs Jeruselem at Ennemies’ Complex

Matchday 2:
Squornshelous vs Jeruselem at Ennemies’ Complex
Oaker vs Wentland at King’s Palacium

Matchday 3:
Squornshelous vs Oaker at King’s Palacium
Jeruselem vs Wentland at Ennemies’ Complex

So the Pschychoes will face off against familiar faces in this World Cup finals. To start with, the Pschychoes will look for a measure of revenge against the newly named Wentland Swifts, who stole three points from the Pschychoes under adverse weather and officiating during qualifying. Now on neutral ground, the Pschychoes will look to start off the group stage with a win.
Second, it's Jeruselem, who have met with the Pschychoes a few times in qualifying. The only finals meetings between our teams have been 1-1 draws in the group stages of World Cups 18 and 19.
Lastly, Squornshelous will play Oaker, and once again be on the hunt for revenge, as this will be the first time we've played Oaker since they defeated us on penalties in the World Cup 22 Quarterfinals.

Our Prediction:
Squornshelous
Jeruselem
Oaker
Wentland


And here's a look at the other groups this cup:

Group A
[3] Starblaydia
[19] Eauz
[26] Casari
[104] The Islands of Qutar

Starblaydia should have little trouble winning this group, but the second place is a tossup between former perennial powerhouse Eauz and a strong team from Casari.
Prediction: Starblaydia and Casari

Group B
[2] Rejistania
[16] Crystilakere
[33] New Montreal States
[43] Praying2God

Again, the first spot in this group looks pretty safe for Rejistania, but second isn't as much of a close thing here. Cristilakere should be able to hold of New Montreal States, and Praying2God shouldn't be much of a challenge.
Prediction: Rejistania and Cristilakere

Group C
[5] Bedistan
[15] One Red Dot
[21] Vilita
[184] County Islands

Now here is an interesting Group, fellow class of World Cup 5 member Bedistan along with Cup veterans One Red Dot and Vilita. County Islands can be counted out, but any of the other three teams could take any spot.
Prediction: Bedistan and Vilita

Group D
[9] Tadjikistan
[29] Commerce Heights
[10] Krytenia
[88] Giant Zucchini

A very close group at the top, but that's about as far as the competition extends. Tadjikistan and Krytenia will tangle for first, and despite home field advantage, Commerce Heights will miss out, likely on goal difference. Heaven only knows what that enormous number is doing next to Giant Zucchini's name (seriously folks), but they certainly won't be doing much in the advancement department scoring those own goals they keep going on about all the time.
Prediction: Krytenia and Tadjikistan

Group F
[6] Liverpool England
[13] Fmjphoenix
[28] Spruitland
[139] Schiavonia

Liverpool England look comfortably on top of this one at a glance, but looking at the performances of the other sides in this group reveals otherwise. Fmjphoenix are playing the cup of their lives, and could upset the group favorites. Even Schiavonia looks good enough to mix it up a little, perhaps playing a little spoiler.
Prediction:
Fmjphoenix and Liverpool England

Group G
[7] Total n Utter Insanity
[12] Audioslavia
[27] Hockey Canada
[184] Cataduanes

Here's a group that promises to be entertaining both on and especially off the field. A vicious rivalry will find its way onto a football field for the first time in quite a while, and the pre and post match hype is something to look forward to. Hockey Canada may try to put a scare into the top two, but it won't amount to much. Catadunes may finish pointless.
Prediction: Total n Utter Insanity and Audioslavia
(please note, unlike the other groups reviewed, the order of the teams predicted to advance from Group G has no relavence at all. We are making no predictions on who will finish first.)

Group H
[31] Oliverry
[1] Sarzonia
[17] Lovisa
[120] The Kazoo Peoples

And finally in Group H we find our World #1 team, poised to easily advance. Who will join them remains to be seen. Wait a moment, could it be? Yes, I hear a triumphant chorus of Kazoos playing.
Prediction Sarzonia and The Kazoo People

Jeruselem Government News

World Cup Group 26 draw is out! Say EEEEEEEEE

New world cup groups! We've being placed with Group E. Here's our infamous predictions because everyone reads them anyway but we do get some predictions right.

Group A:
1. Starblaydia (3)
2. Eauz (19)
3. Casari (26)
4. The Islands of Qutar (104)

Starblaydia should top this group. Eauz and Casari should fight it out for the next spot. The form of these teams is similar from the qualifiers, but our pick is Eauz. The Islands of Qutar have done well be here but this is the pointy end of the competition and gets sharper into the finals.

Group B
[2] Rejistania
[16] Crystilakere
[33] New Montreal States
[43] Praying2God

If Rejistania don't make it, it's shocker. One game lost so far for them. Crystilakere was 2nd in Group 5 and New Montreal States finished a valiant 2nd behind Starblaydia. Similar results between the two teams in qualifiers. We're New Montreal States to step up to the next stage.

Group C:
1. Bedistan (5)
2. Vilita (21)
3. One Red Dot (15)
4. County Islands (184)

Bedistan should cruise through. While Nedalia are the Lions (not so of late), then Bedistan are the super-Lions. We are pick Vilita over One Red Dot, so it's the cat group. Lions and Jungle Cats rule here.

Group D:
1. Krytenia (10)
2. Commerce Heights (29)
3. Tadjikistan (9)
4. Giant Zucchini (88)

Tadjikistan and Krytenia to make it. Tadjikistan should make it because they can score goals. While Krytenia was over-shadowed by the Canucks in Group 2, they've been here and done that.

Group E:
1. Squornshelous (4)
2. Oaker (18)
3. Jeruselem (24)
4. Wentland (161)

It's really a fight between Oaker, Jeruselem and Wentland for the 2nd spot. Squornshelous should be the best team here and Squornshelous were in same group as Wentland before too.

Most folks probably won't pick Jeruselem because we lose Group stage games apart from the World Cup 24 when we won all - we lose or draw the others. Wentland have done well and Oaker topped their group, although we had more points in the end. We are say Squornshelous and Jeruselem, but you'd expect that ... if not us, then we pick Oaker.

We cannot write off Oaker or Wentland. They could beat Squornshelous. Wentland will be known as "The Swifts" - so they fly, well done. If not, they should not be disappointed as they are in a group with top 25 seeded teams.

Group F:
1. Liverpool England (6)
2. Fmjphoenix (13)
3. Spruitland (28)
4. Schiavonia (139)

Easy here. Liverpool England and Fmjphoenix here. Both lost 1 game each and topped their groups.

Group G:
1. Total n Utter Insanity (7)
2. Audioslavia (12)
3. Hockey Canada (27)
4. Catadunes (184)

Can't go past Total n Utter Insanity. Hockey Canada and Audioslavia won their groups convincingly and will be fighting for 2nd spot. Hockey Canada are our friends, and it's time for them to make next round. Only Audioslavia can stop them. Catadunes did well be here but those teams above are so good.

Group H:
1. Sarzonia (1)
2. Oliverry (31)
3. Lovisa (17)
4. The Kazoo Peoples (120)

Sarzonia should win all their games. Lovisa were 2nd to Audioslavia and Oliverry are the hosts. Since Oliverry haven't played so far, it's hard to say what Oliverry will do. Lovisa did loose 4 games like Jeruselem and aren't in killer form like Sarzonia. Maybe Oliverry.

Qutar Sports News Network

Good Afternoon Qutar, well after sensationally qualifying for our first World Cup, and narrowly missing out on finishing top of our group, we now face the task of taking on the worlds best teams. Most of the worlds media seem to beileve that Qutar has by some freak of nature made it to the World Cup, and that we do not deserve our place, and that the dream will face harsh reality, when we face the "real" teams. Yet I do not beileve this is the case, we took on Liverpool England, 6th in World, and yet came away with two draws, we took on Five Civilized Nations, 25th in the world, and came away with six points. We have taken on the big teams, and we come out holding our heads high. And you might just see the dream carry on a little further.

From the draw last night we have been placed in Group A:

Group A
[#3] Starblaydia
[#19] Eauz
[#26] Casari
[#104] The Islands of Qutar

Matchday 1:
Starblaydia vs The Islands of Qutar @ Anaphase Alchemy Stadium

Matchday 2:
Eauz vs The Islands of Qutar @ Anaphase Alchemy Stadium

Matchday 3:
Casari vs The Islands of Qutar @ Anaphase Alchemy Stadium

Get ready for some real work
Group D for the Tadjiks

[9] Tadjikistan
[29] Commerce Heights
[10] Krytenia
[88] Giant Zucchini

Never before have the Tadjiks been drawn in a group that is as interesting and challenging as this one. Group D brings it all! A nice picnic with our old friends Krytenia, A clash with a host and a match against some team that we barely know.

Their last cup may be one of the most spectacular, offcourse The Sadirov brothers hope to get past the group stage, Bahrom believes it is posible 'While Krytenia has the highest ranking after us, it is Commerce Heights that I'm most worried about. They are the hosts and thus have an advantage. Especially in that huge Sokojito Überdome, they can count on the support of many of their fans. The only thing that can save us there is the talent and skill of our own players. I'm not going make any predictions, thats just too dangerous.

The first match is the one in which we'll have to take what we can. I'm hoping for a win against Giant Zucchini, ranked 88th. We are the stronger side, but lets remember the words former coach Isserson: Any team that goes to the World Cup is a strong team. Even here we'll have to be cautious not to let them slip through our defenses.'

'We've had some trouble with lowerranked teams, like Artoonia and Race City in the qualifications but strangely enough, we did quite well against those higherranked sides. If we can carry on that tradition then we should be safe. Lets just say; we'll do what we can'

We asked our beloved Federation President, Michael Frunze, for some predictions. Not that he's an expert, but as usual he's there are very few Tadjiks in the football world who want to help us out.

Group A
1.Eauz
2.Starblaydia
3.Casari
4.The Islands of Qutar

I remember Eauz from when we were new in the World Cup scene, Eauz was one of the first teams the Tadjiks played. The fact that Eauz is still at the top means they are good. Starblaydia will move on as well, maybe after a draw with Eauz. The others can decide what to do with third and fourth.

Group B
1.Rejistania
2.New Montreal States
3.Crystilakere
4.Praying2God

Of these team there are only two that I really know, NMS because they were opponent of Tadjikistan and Rejistania ... well because they are Rejistania(did we ever play against them?). They'll both make it to the next round.

Group C
1.Bedistan
2.Vilita
3.One Red Dot
4.County Islands

The Bedistan Lions will dominate this group, no doubt about it. Vilita and One Red Dot will fight for the second spot, which will probably go to Vilita. County Islands did well qualifying but i'm afraid it there story ends here.

Group E
1.Squornshelous
2.Jeruselem
3.Wentland
4.Oaker


Squornshelous is a veteran team and will move on to the second round with ease. The Jeruselem Crusaders will be right behind them. Wentland will stunt against Oaker and get third.

Group F
1.Liverpool England
2.Schiavonia
3.Fmjphoenix
4.Spruitland

This is a hard one to predict, Any of these teams can qualify. The only team that will not dissapoint here is Liverpool England. Schiavonia has impressed me enough to place them in a qualifying spot.

Group G
1.Audioslavia
2.Hockey Canada
3.Total n Utter Insanity
4.Cataduanes

Now here's an interesting group, Total n Utter Insanity is one of those teams thats always around, This time however, they'll have to 'sit in the back' while Audioslavia and Hockey Canada take over. I know very little about Cataduanes, they did quite well in the qualifications keeping The Archregimancy from getting here. Maybe they'll surprise everyone here, although that wont be easy in this group.

Group H
1.Sarzonia
2.Oliverry
3.The Kazoo Peoples
4.Lovisa

The easiest group to predict, Sarzonia is simply the best team in this group and will move on together with Oliverry, a co-host playing three matches with home advantage. In third position we'll see The Kazoo Peoples beat Lovisa.

I believe thats enough crap for now. Lets go back to our own group and give our Tigers the support they need.

ST: Hejida, this is Sirake Tekim for Radio RejisCAST. You are listening to live from the leagues. Today, we bring you the news, you have been waiting for: The Mjinen groups, the playoffs for the H3SR and of course, Nana Hekune is live for us from the final of the handball league between KaMaRi Kaletri and Na~ovi Nationals. Also, Hana Kansu is live at the group draw of the NationStates World Cup, but I doubt anyone is interested in that competition after the return of Gurg. But first, we play some good music: Iuliana from Te Vaka!
(the music from Tokelau is played)
ST: We now have the news from the Asene Mjinen: Takela meets Ishin... we have news from the SLANI? Hejida Hana!
HK: Hejida Sirake!
ST: You know the groups?
HK: yes. I know where the Rejis 'layes in. They are in secon' Geroup withe Keristilakere, New Montereal Xtates an' 'rayinh2God.
ST: Not good, su?
HK: Indeed! Keristalakere has more luck than what is normal, otherwise, they would neither kuwolify nor be ranked 16th.
ST: Indeed, but it is weird that no one in their nation cares about how they do.
HK: This is not unusual, many nations in the kuvalifyers, they are like this. Nexist (Hana pronounces the x as in rejistanian as 'sh') team: New Montereal Xtates.
ST: That is not really a good thing! They defeated and eliminated us in the first-ever World Cup, we were in.
HK: Even worse: the match is at the Auzwa~erteh~ssi~lk Arena. This means Arena of victory for team, 'layinh away.
ST: We are playing away.
HK: But are listed as first, which means home team!
ST: oka~e, that is very bad!
HK: It is shit!
ST: Yeah!
HK: Esvecially sinsi laste match is also at that venue. And we are listed as home team!
ST: This is... GURG!
HK: Yeah, I k~huess as well. After makinh the NSWC not interestinh by eliminatinh many good teams and admittinh out-of-nowheres in, they now make sure, final is between Oliverry and an out-of-nowhere!
ST: Why not Commerce Heights?
HK: Also possible, but I cannot say that correctly!
ST: All those, who are still interested in the Orange-Blues and not prefer to watch Progressan Game shows or Mjinen: Contact the SLANI and complain about that venue and that listing!
HK: Yes, this would be good!
ST: Thanks for informing us, Hana, now back to Mjinen.

Liverpool England for 6th time in 3rd cup

With the group draw completed, the Vikings have been left with Liverpool England for the third consecutive cup. This will be their sixth meeting since World Cup 24. Spruitland, who finished second to Total n Utter Insanity and Schiavonia, who finished second to Rejistania fill out Group F. Here is our rundown of each group.

Group A:
[3] Starblaydia
[19] Eauz
[26] Casari
[104] The Islands of Qutar

Starblaydia is looking to continue defending their championship, and should be able to easily go on. Eauz and Casari will be battling it out for the second spot, and we see Casari taking the edge narrowly with The Islands of Qutar possibly being the one to hold Eauz back.
Starblaydia, Casari, Eauz, The Islands of Qutar

Group B:
[2] Rejistania
[16] Crystilakere
[33] New Montreal States
[43] Praying2God

Rejistania will defend everything and their mothers into the next round. New Monreal States and Praying2God will be trying hard to push Crystilakere for that second spot, but it will be tough for either to edge it away from a still strong side.
Rejistania, Crystilakere, New Montreal States

Group C:
[5] Bedistan
[15] One Red Dot
[21] Vilita
[184] County Islands

Bedistan and Vilita will be roaring at everyone in this group, and at each other. Will we see another amazing 8-7 thriller? We think its possible, but noone else will be able to raor with these two
Bedistan, Vilita, One Red Dot, County Islands

Group D
[9] Tadjikistan
[29] Commerce Heights
[10] Krytenia
[88] Giant Zucchini

Krytenia was beaten out of first by Hockey Canada, and could be beaten out of first here by Tadjikistan, but we don't see that one happening. The hosts will also push to go farther and will possibly end one of the top two ranked teams run. Giant Zucchini continues the rebuilding, but not after here.
Krytenia, Commerce Heights, Tadjikistan, Giant Zucchini

Group E:
[4] Squornshelous
[18] Oaker
[24] Jeruselem
[161] Wentland

Squornshelous will have no problems moving to the next round, and we see Jeruselem catching Oaker of guard like a fish out of water. Wentland should also continue their run well enough, but not enough to get past here.
Squornshelous, Jeruselem, Wentland, Oaker

Group F:
[6] Liverpool England
[13] Fmjphoenix
[28] Spruitland
[139] Schiavonia

Last time the Fmjphoenix meet LE in the group stage, it was the Vikings out on top, of LE and the group. Spruitland has been a little quiet this World Cup, but they will still try to move on. Schiavonia gets stuck with the short end of the stick.
Fmjphoenix, Liverpool England, Spruitland, Schiavonia

Group G:
[7] Total n Utter Insanity
[12] Audioslavia
[27] Hockey Canada
[184] Cataduanes

Total n Utter Insanity will continue being insane. Audioslavia will continue saying goodnight bitches. Hockey Canada will keep winning maybe? Its a tough group to decide, and not one that we really want to try. But you never know.
Total n Utter Insanity, Hockey Canada, Audioslavia, Cataduanes

Group H:
[31] Oliverry
[1] Sarzonia
[17] Lovisa
[120] The Kazoo Peoples

Sarzonia will breeze through without much problems. But the second spot is totally up for grabs. Will Kazoos be playing loud and clear? With the quiet Lovisans sneak by again, or will the hosts suprise everyone? We don't know, we just guessed.
Sarzonia, Oliverry, The Kazoo Peoples, Lovisa

Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD15: Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland ?-? Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia ?-? Dôme de Saint-François
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England ?-? [i]Dôme de Saint-François
Record: 10-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 27
B. Dougood - 5
S. Ijanaeil - 2
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png

Fur to fly for feisty felines
Now why weren't we in Group F?

COMMERCE HEIGHTS (or Handelshöhen, Altales Teriadem, etc., depending on which language you prefer) — Expect fun times ahead as the Bedistan Lions play in Group C for World Cup 26.

As always, three other nations will join Bedistan in the group, including fellow ancients One Red Dot, the incredibly-lucky-and-in-way-over-their-heads-after-qualifying-due-to-a-nation-collapsing-and-anything-else-that-can-add-more-
hyphens-to-this-word County Islands, and some nation we've never heard of before called Vilita.

Yes, Vilita. Believe it or not, we haven't played Vilita in twenty years, and rumor has it the Jungle Cats are looking for revenge after their last match against us. Honestly, we're not sure what they're so upset about; after all, they scored a whopping seven goals against us in that match! Just because we scored eight is no reason to get upset.

As for how the group will end up, we're really in no position to speculate — with three top-25 teams in the group there are many possibilities. All we'll say is that everyone should get at least three points with the exception of the poor County Islands, who will be playing for nothing but the pride of representing their nation.

"It feels so weird to be back here again."

Though Tara Stalls had spent most of her late childhood and early adult life in the Bedistani province of Paruvia and had moved to Vilita several years ago when she was signed by the Yeaddin Owls, she spent many of her formative years living in a rather nice suburb of Port Lusambo. That was back in the sixties, though. That was before the Tingitanan invasion, before the mass evacuation of all of Bedistan to its new land in Atlantian Oceania. Back then, Port Lusambo was located in the western Jativan Islands. Sure, Tara lived on an island now, but the Vilitan Isles were very different from the Jativan Islands. As soon as she stepped out of the airport in Aeropag, she knew she was back in Jativa. The smell of the air, the color of the water, everything told her she was home.

"I feel so...rejuvenated," she thought. But suddenly she realized that she wasn't quite home yet. "Back to Lusambo." She paused. "I want to go back to old Lusambo."

"I'm sorry?" Team manager Kenter Surf was standing just behind her in her moment of nostalgia.

"Coach, I'd like to request two days' leave."

"Two days' leave? Tara, we have our first match in a week!"

"I want to visit my childhood home. No — I need to."

"You need to be at practice."

"I'm sorry, but I have to go. I haven't been back here in twenty years. And if it means missing practice, I'm afraid I'll have to miss practice."

"Tara, your future on this team is at stake here."

She paused for a moment. The team was her life. But this was her heart.

"I'll see you Monday, coach." And with that, she set off, looking for some form of aquatic transportation that would take her back to old Lusambo.

The Schiavone Scribe
PARTY LIES AHEAD

Well, Schiavonia have ended up making it to the finals of the World Cup somehow, and now that the euphoria after qualifying has died down, the draw has take place for the finals to see which nations the Schiavone contingent will have another party in fromt of.

So that'll be Liverpool England, Fmjphoenix and Spruitland, then. We all know that the sloths have absolutely no chance whatsoever of winning any of their games, and even a draw would be nothing short of miraculous. It would be nice if the team could at least score a goal during their three games, just to give all the sloths fans something to shout about.

Get ready Oliverry. The orange and scarlet army are coming! And thet're coming for a good time, not a long time!

As for the other groups - we predict that nobody will enjoy themselves quite as much as the Schiavones. Apart from whoever wins, obviously. And with the cup we've had, that could be anybody. County Islands for WC26, anybody?

Stars face hosts, old nemesis

In his first news conference devoted solely to football since his return to coach the Sarzonian national team, Dave Wilson immediately moved to quash speculation that the Stars should breeze into the second round without trouble.

"We're facing the co-hosts of the World Cup in Group H," Wilson said. "By definition, that's not going to be an easy road to hoe. We're playing one match in a clearly hostile environment and we're going to be treating it as an away match. There's no other way to treat it."

Sarzonia's position in Group H in Oliverry is made all the more tenuous by comments made by Wilson's predecessor -- and previously his replacement -- as national team coach railing against the officiating. Wilson tried to downplay the significance of Barry Owens's comments about the officiating and said his team wasn't alone in their complaints.

"We were upset over in Hypocria about the lot we received in Group 12," Wilson said. "We were playing one of the two teams who seemed to curry particular favour with the host nations [System Karela] and we were extraordinarily lucky to escape them with four points. Then again, we lost four points to a team ranked 149th in the world in Majeristan. That likely cost Hypocria any hope of a Hyppos World Cup finals appearance."

Wilson said after the team's last training session before departing for Oliverry that despite the changes in personnel since his last match as the Stars coach, "it's like I never left.

"The Stars played the same system we had when I was coaching," he said. "Some of the players are the same ones I had when we lost to Liverpool England in the final. Those things made it easier for me to acclimate myself back to my surroundings and this locker room."

As for the other opponents, Lovisa have been a nemesis for Sarzonia from the days the team began and Dave Wilson was an assistant coach to Bryan Marshall. The team didn't earn their first win against the Lions until the final match of World Cup XVIII qualifying, the last time a Sarzonia side missed out on the World Cup finals. Since, though, the Stars won their last two matches though they warn they won't take Lovisa for granted.

"They're ranked seventeenth in the world," Wilson said. "They have a winning record against us lifetime and we are anything but invincible no matter what anyone tells you. Lovisa make a habit of being a dangerous side and we're not going to take a match against a team ranked higher than any of our opponents during the qualifying stage. That also includes Oliverry, who have the home field advantage to contend with."

As for the 120th ranked side from The Kazoo Peoples, Wilson sounded a warning about Sarzonia's loss to County Islands during World Cup qualifying and the team's 2-2 draw to Apologetic Kittens as reasons the Stars won't be taking The Kazoo Peoples for granted.

"They're here [in the World Cup finals], aren't they? If you get here, you get here for a good reason," Wilson said. "They earned their trip to the World Cup finals and they're going to be a match to take seriously."

Wilson brushed off reports that indicated that goalkeeper and team captain Horace Sandt would retire after World Cup XXVI, and even backtracked somewhat on his son Brian's playing status after the team's World Cup run ends.

"A lot of things changed since the beginning of World Cup XXVI qualifying, needless to say," Dave Wilson said. "Brian probably wasn't expecting to see me return as head coach and the same can be said for Hor. That said, I'm not going to go in and tell them anything but to follow their hearts and decide for themselves what they think is best for themselves and their teammates."

When asked to predict the outcome of the other groups, Dave Wilson finally cracked his first joke since his whirlwind led him back to coach the world's number one ranked team.

"I'm a football coach, not a prognosticator," he said. "I can only concentrate on one group at a time. I'm too old to pay attention to anything beyond the next match."

As you probably have already heard, the World Cup 26 group draw took place yesterday.

Coach Manni Aka, who watched the World Cup Group Draw with his team at Kazoo City Stadium Locker Room (their team travel agent refused to send them to Commerce Heights for the draw, as they might end up playing in Oliverry), was slightly worried when the draw was happening. A tough group had begun to form in Group H, where one of the co-hosts (#31 Oliverry) had already taken a spot, only to have the best team in the world rankings, Sarzonia join them. Oliverry will have huge home-field advantage, as they will play in their own country.

As Aka watched them both pair up in Group H, he worried aloud, "God, I hope we aren't in that group."

Group H continued to fill, now adding #17 Lovisa to the mix, one of the highest second-seeded teams.

Coach Manni Aka continued to bite his nails as the draw wore on. Group A contained #3 Starblaydia, #19 Eauz, and tough Group 6 competitor Casari (#26). As Baptism of Fire winners #104 The Islands of Qutar fell into place, Aka breathed a sigh of relief: "Phew, that group will be tough."

Group B contained #2 Rejistania, #16 Crystilakere, and #33 New Montreal States. Aka said, "This is a nice average group, the toughest opponent being, eelh, #2 Rejistania... Never mind average." #43 Praying2God were drawn into B.

Group C had already been gifted #5 Bedistan, #15 One Red Dot, and #21 Vilita. "Man, this group is already tough, as they have top first, second, and third seeds. This could very well be the toughest group to compete in," quipped Aka. "I hope we don't get in this one either." Out-of-nowhere qualification due to EL CID THE HERO's side using steroids or something, #184 County Islands were drawn into C. "Well, this group's not too bad after County Islands," said Manni Aka.

Group D through the first three drawn contained co-host #29 Commerce Heights, #9 Tadjikistan, and #10 Krytenia. "Very tough first and second second seeds, we'd be lucky not to get drawn into this one," said Aka. #88 Giant Zucchini gets thrown into this group, and were off to Group E, Kazoos still not drawn, but for certain knowing they'd be playing in Oliverry.

Team travel agent Reanu Keeves said, "HA! I told you that you'd be playing in Oliverry! We just saved thousands of Kazoos by not flying to Commerce Heights for the draw. Who's your daddy?"

"You are," said Manni Aka.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHO'S YO' DADDY?" Reanu's voice echoing about the locker room.

"YOU ARE!" shouted Aka.

"That's right. YEAAAH!"

Moving further into the draw after a local advertisement showed ("Kangaroo Fresh Breath Strips -- making your mouth smell like fresh kangaroo since 1914."), Group E had already been selected, with #161 Wentland joining #24 Jeruselem, #18 Oaker, and #4 Squornshelous. "That group will be interesting," said Aka.

"Coach, what are you worried about right now?"

"Getting drawn into H. I'd rather take on #7 Total n Utter Insanity or #6 Liverpool England as the top seed then #1 Sarzonia!"

F was filled when Schiavonia, our buddies who we lost a friendly 2-0 to in the qualification round, joined Liverpool England, #13 Fmjphoenix, and #28 Spruitland.

Everyone got on their feet. It was coming down to being drawn in perhaps the toughest group, Group H, or being put into Total n Utter Insanity and Audioslavia's beloved group, Group G.

......
Later that night, you turn on Kazoo City Action News 19...

"...Coach Manni Aka will be fined K$50,000 by the Kazoo Communications Commission due to a curse word said over live national television, after hearing that the Kazoos would indeed play in Group H, with first-in-the-world Sarzonia. The coach was being followed by members of the media, who were in the room when he watching the World Cup 26 draw. Let's go to our roving reporter Veronica Corningstone with the details. Veronica?"

"That's right Tina, Coach Aka will indeed be fined K$50,000 by the KCC for saying a certain curse word over national television. It's all included in my report of the World Cup 26 draw:
Veronica Corningstone Voiceover: "The TV was blaring: 'Welcome to the World Cup 26 Group Draw,' the players were chatting: 'so I tell her, "Get off my lawn, or I'm calling the cops." Turns out, it was my mother, who wanted to give me a fruitcake before we left for the draw today,' and the coach, swearing? 'Oh, f*censored bleep*k.' Yes, it was a draw full of suprises. The Kazoos ended up in what some analysts are calling a 'Group of Death:' #1 Sarzonia, #17 Lovisa, and #31 co-host Oliverry. The Kazoos possibility of advancing: doubtful."
Veronica reappears, and continues her report: "Now, while Manni Aka wouldn't respond to an one-on-one interview request, a press conference request, or a letter bomb in the mail, he did release the following statement: 'I am deeply sorry for what I have done, and I apologize to all mothers, children, and elderly grandparents who watching. Please don't sue me.' Veronica Corningstone, Kazoo City. Back to you, Tina."

"Thanks Veronica, for that report. Coming up next: a puppy who can tap dance? You don't want to miss this...."

---
Stadia inappropriate, says local crazy man

Donald McRonald, outside of a local coffee shop, was painting a chalk mural, muttering to himself.

"I can't believe it! Why would theys want to do such a thing?"
He replied to himself:
"I don't know, theys been so mean!"
"Whys do they has to put our Kazoos in such a small stadium?"
"I don't know!"

We asked him to elaborate...

"Well, you see, we have the #1 team in the world in our group. We also have one of the hosting nations in our group. We should have the largest stadiums in Oliverry, right? Nope, of course not! Instead, we are placed in two, somewhat small stadiums: Pepsioli Stadium and Jean Angleton Garden. Pepsioli Stadium holds only 61,250 fans, and yet, it expects to hold two matches, both of which contain either the #1 team in the world or the host? OUTRAGEOUS! Surely, the match between Sarzonia and Oliverry would have a huge stadium so that all of Oliverry's fans can fit in, right? NO! The stadium in which the match between the two takes place in Jean Angleton Garden, occupany 65,218. One uninformative individual could say that Oliverry doesn't have larger stadiums, but that is simply not the case. They could play in Ennemies' Complex, 78,235 seats. Or, perhaps Le Stade Français de Perpignant, occupancy 79,117. But what really shocks me is that Oliverry didn't house what will probably be the most-attended game of all of World Cup 26 in Oliverry's largest stadium: Dôme de Saint-François. The occupancy? 134,421! What were they thinking? Were they thinking the match held at the large monstrosity of a dome would be heavily attended that day? Well, maybe, but Liverpool England vs Fmjphoenix? Though both are high-ranked, it would seem to make sense that the home team facing off against the #1 team in the world would be more heavily attended. It's bad business, and bad planning, as many Oliverry fans will have to watch at home. How many? Well, it's tough to say, but comparing the two capacities, the Dôme would hold more than twice as much as Jean Angleton Garden -- 69,203 people more, in fact! Oliverry had made their choice, now let them try to be forgiven by Oliverrian fans."

Thanks, Donald.

An editor forgot a table or two in yesterday's news article. The omitted portion of the article is as follows, and the editor spent a day in the "Lion's Den" at Zoo A Kazoo (a palindrome, but we're not sure on why the local Kazoo City Zoo is named that), which features eighty-four lions in a very crowded area. Zoo A Kazoo: we meet the minimum required by the government when it comes to animal safety. [[OOC: No animals were RP-dead, or RP-harmed in the making of this news report.]]

The omitted tables:

Kazoos progress in WC26:

MD1: loss to Casari 1-0, away
MD2: draw with Turori 1-1, home
MD3: win over Hiiraan 3-1, home
MD4: OFF
MD5: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, home
MD6: draw with Rolatia 2-2, home
MD7: win over Swilatia 3-0, away
---
MD8: draw with Casari 0-0, home
MD9: draw with Turori 2-2, away
MD10: draw with Hiiraan 1-1, away
MD11: Friendly: loss to Schiavonia 2-0, home
MD12: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, away
MD13: loss to Rolatia 2-1, away
MD14: win over Swilatia 3-1, home
MD15: at Oliverry at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale
MD16: vs Sarzonia at Jean Angledton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
MD17: vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale

SCHEDULE, RESULTS:

Qualifying:
Matchday 1:

HOME AWAY
Turori 4:0 Rolatia
Casari 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 2:1 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 2:

HOME AWAY
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:0 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 3:

HOME AWAY
Turori 3:3 Swilatia
Casari 1:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 3:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 4:

HOME AWAY
Casari 1:1 Turori
Hiiraan 3:2 Yafor 2
Rolatia 0:0 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples does not play

Matchday 5:

HOME AWAY
Hiiraan 5:2 Turori
Rolatia 0:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 6:

HOME AWAY
Turori 0:0 Yafor 2
Swilatia 4:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 7:

HOME AWAY
Casari 5:3 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:1 Rolatia
Swilatia 0:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play

Matchday 8:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Rolatia
Casari 0:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 0:0 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 9:

AWAY HOME
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:1 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 10:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:2 Swilatia
Casari 0:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 11:

AWAY HOME
Casari 1:3 Turori
Hiiraan 3:1 Yafor 2
Rolatia 2:2 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples do not play a World Cup 26 game today,
but they have a friendly:
Schiavonia 2:0 Kazoo Peoples, at Kazoo City Kola Stadium

Matchday 12:

AWAY HOME
Hiiraan 1:2 Turori
Rolatia 1:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 13:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Yafor 2
Swilatia 2:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 1:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 14:

AWAY HOME
Casari 2:1 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:2 Rolatia
Swilatia 1:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play
---
World Cup Finals
Matchday 1 (15):
Oliverry vs The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 2 (16):
Oliverry vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia vs The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 3 (17):
Oliverry vs Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Lovisa vs The Kazoo Peoples at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

STANDINGS:
Group H Pl W D L GF:GA Pts GD
1. Sarzonia 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0
Lovisa 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0
Oliverry 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0
The Kazoo Peoples 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0

---
Local Media Outlets peg Kazoos all over Group H -- everywhere, that is, but first

Praying2God places Kazoos in last, behind Sarzonia, Oliverry, and Lovisa, respectively.

Squornshelous "hear[s] a triumphant chorus of Kazoos playing," and places us to qualify, along with Sarzonia, who is "poised to easily advance."

Jeruselem says that "Sarzonia should win all their games." And give the other qualification spot to Oliverry, though only a "maybe." Kazoos are marked as last, behind Lovisa.

Tadjikistan says that this group is "the easiest group to predict. Sarzonia is simply the best team in this group and will move on together with Oliverry, a co-host playing three matches with home advantage." They put the Kazoos ahead of Lovisa for third.

Fmjphoenix "just guessed" when it came to predictions for Group H's second qualification spot ("the second spot is totally up for grabs"), as "Sarzonia will breeze through without much problems." Inconclusive about the second spot, but left us with some tricky questions: "Will Kazoos be playing loud and clear? With the quiet Lovisans sneak by again, or will the hosts suprise everyone?"
In the end, they "guessed" #2 to Oliverry, then the Kazoos in front of Lovisa.

Fellow Group H team Sarzonia had a lengthy article. We manage to cut it into a few fragments. "Dave Wilson immediately moved to quash speculation that the Stars should breeze into the second round without trouble."
As for the Kazoos, "Wilson sounded a warning... the Stars won't be taking The Kazoo Peoples for granted." Dave Wilson also had to say about the Kazoos: "They're here [in the World Cup finals], aren't they? If you get here, you get here for a good reason. They earned their trip to the World Cup finals and they're going to be a match to take seriously." Sarzonia offered no prediction, but at least Sarzonia will take us seriously.

KAZOO PERFORMANCE PREDICTION TICKER:
0 First
1 Second
2 Third
1 Fourth

Our prediction?

Our prediction is that we will make no prediction. In fact, The Kazoo Peoples' Congress deterred any speculation of World Cup 26 Group finish with the No Speculation Act. The act prevents any Kazoo newspaper from publishing their own predictions, per penalty of up to K$100,000. The bill was proposed by Rep. Bill Shields of Kazoo City, a very superstitious representative.

Group B
[2] Rejistania
[16] Crystilakere
[33] New Montreal States
[43] Praying2God

HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH

Further advancement improbable for Paladins as they hunker down for group-stage action

COMMERCE HEIGHTS - A couple of familiar faces grace the second group in the group stage, in the form of Rejistania and Praying2God, and a new challenge in Crystilakere.

[2] Rejistania - The last time we faced them was World Cup 11, where we edged them 1-0. Now the ultra-karelan side has become a major world power, and should make short work of the Paladins. Whatever happens, expect a snoozefest befitting the masters of defense.

[16] Crystilakere - Spelling them correctly is challenge enough, and this 16th-seeded nation will probably prove to be too much for the Paladins.

[22] New Montreal States - Eh.

[43] Praying2God - We remember them from the days back in World Cup 11 they had Jesus as their coach. Although He seems to have retired, they're still a force to contend with, and could pull an upset any night.

Predictions: Do we look like some kind of psychic hotline or whatever? We do? Too dang bad. This one's beyond us.

txn:22.57 Futbol Nationale transcript
Episode: PACK OF UNDERDOGS

Narrator: Tonight on Futbol Nationale we take a more in-depth look at some of the lesser countries involved in the Finals.

The qualifying rounds produced an inordinate number of shock results and a half-dozen countries whose main exposure had come in the Baptism of Fire suddenly find themselves in the final thirty-two.

Later on in the programme we shall be looking in-depth at the Islands of Qutar, the fortunate County Islands and Cataduanes, the lowest ranked team ever to reach the World Cup, but first we turn to Wentland. The country from the tiny Akbaria region made it to the Finals at the first time of asking following a run of four wins in six games to pip Nanakaland to the spot. We talked to manager Edgar Bluff and veteran defender Bob Henton.

Bluff: Well, we had a 20 year plan. The idea was to use a couple of World Cups to get experience, make a good go of qualifying in 29, qualify in 30 and establish ourselves as regulars in 31. We seem to have been ahead of time.

Narrator: Has it not all been a giant fluke?

Bluff: Not entirely. We rode our luck against Squornshelous, and now we play them again. But we had precious little against Collonie or Bazalonia so it evened itself out. We did fear the worst after the 5-0 thrashing, though…

Clips of three of the Pschychoes goals.

Henton: We took it without too much thought. We were all excited at our debut and were too gung-ho. We were exposed time and again and were too tired at the end of the first game.

Bluff: We worked on fitness a lot. We saw the gulf in international class and decided we could out-work some of the other teams. And it paid off, we came good towards the end of some of the matches.

Henton: In a funny way, that first game helped us. No-one took us seriously. We could therefore surprise them. Harlesburg was the classic, we went at them from the off away and got an early lead. I don’t think they thought we’d do the same at home…

Clip shown of early goal against Harlesburg.

Bluff: I did not pick Tiny Smith for that game deliberately to confuse them, we could use the same tactic with Morgan the Mighty…

Henton: Yeah, and we caught them off-guard again.

Narrator: Just before the finals the team was collectively awarded the highest honour available in Wentland, the Order of the Swift, and the team have added a swift to their blue shirts.

Bluff: It was one heck of an honour. We never expected that.

Narrator: What are your hopes for this World Cup?

Henton: For me just to get a minute on the pitch. I’m retiring from international football after the tournament and it would be a way to sign off. For the team, we’d be ecstatic with a point…

Bluff: We’ve lost the element of surprise. No-one will treat us lightly now.

Narrator: One of the advantages for the likes of Wentland appeared to be the attitude of some of the bigger clubs.

Bluff: Yes, teams like Rolatia were picking up wins against big sides. I think some complacency had set in, in recent World Cups only the top forty or so qualified and with some new entries I think they saw us as cannon fodder.

Henton: The problem for us is that in XXVII there will be a bunch of other new teams, all hoping to do the same.

Bluff: We will shoot up the rankings, no doubt, on the preliminary ones we’re up around a hundred places so we should be seeded third rather than sixth for XXVII; that gives us a better chance, but we’ll have to watch out for the backlash.

Henton: Yeah, some teams seemed to resent us going through where they are not involved.

Narrator: The key player for Wentland will probably be Frank Treves, the wunderkind who scored a vital hat-trick against Nedalia.

Clip of three goals

Treves plays for small team Alumgreen, so he is looking forward to the big stage.

Treves: Yeah, it’s a dream come true…I’m hoping it’s the first of many.

Narrator: Are you looking to this as a shop window?

Treves: No, I’m an Orphan through and through. Happy where I am.

Narrator: The Wentland league has a long and storied past, but an amateur ethos has permeated. Only recently was professionalism allowed, and even then it is under the strict oversight of an independent commission to ensure financial parity. It seems to have succeeded as Wentland does not suffer insolvencies to any great degree and fans flock to low-priced matches.

Bluff: This has helped with preparation. The restricted budgets mean that teams do not overspend but players get a decent wage. One of our concerns is that the World Cup will increase player visibility and lead to their being enticed away.

Narrator: But what do they think of their opponents?

Henton: We know what to expect from Squornshelous. Less so with the others.

Bluff: We have had scouts poring over match videos for Jeruselem and Oaker. Certainly on an individual basis we cannot possibly match them. And for Oaker in particular there is a lot of experience.

Treves: If we are all at 100% and they are not we have a chance.

Bluff: Effort will be the key. We have to out-fight them all just to get something on the board. But really this is all good experience for us and we can use it as a platform for the next World Cup.

Narrator: Certainly Wentland go into the World Cup with low expectations. The third-lowest ranked team in the Finals, it looks as if they will be the very lowest following the Group games. But their devoted following will turn up to all games in good numbers and are determined to enjoy the experience.

Clip of Wentland Barmy Army, all facepaint and fancy dress, singing “Wentland’s Barmy Army!” in a fountain in Ennemy City.

We now turn to County Islands, who are benefitting from a second chance. Originally disappointed with an unexpected third in Group One, an unexpected withdrawal sees them making their Finals debut in their World Cup bow…

The Cëre Times
05/02/2006

World Cup Special

With the Islands of Qutar qualifying against all the odds, and making it to their first World Cup. We thought we'd run a World Cup special on who we'll be facing in the group stage, and a run down of all the other groups, just so you know who we'll be up against if manage the "impossible" a second time. With six other teams no-one though would get through progressing from the qualifyers, the big teams must be slightly on edge as what will happen to them, with fourth placed team in the Baptism of Fire, Schiavonia, equal on points with #2 ranked Rejistania, and #8 ranked Turori crashing out bottom of Group 6, the big nations better think twice before dismissing us.

Group A

[#3] Starblaydia
[#19] Eauz
[#26] Casari
[#104] The Islands of Qutar

Starblaydia :: Our first match, and its going to be a tough one, but we have taken on #6 in the world and come out with a draw. The current holders of the World Cup so expectations will be high, and they may just dismiss us, with could be their undoing, and we will fight to the last minute.
Prediction :: 1st

Eauz :: Eliminated at the group stage in the past two World Cups, so even though they are highly ranked, form is not on their side. Our second match, and it should be an interesting one, with a real possibilty of a close victory if we work for it.
Prediction :: 4th

Casari :: Managed to make it past qualifying last World Cup, but we have won against #25 ranked Five Civilized Nations, twice. So we are hoping that we can at least win against Casari.
Prediction :: 3rd

The Islands of Qutar :: Baptism of Fire winners, and a force to be reckoned with, almost holding an undefeated record in qualifying, and with the momentum behind this team, progression to the next round is a real possibility.
Prediction :: 2nd

Group B

[#2] Rejistania
[#16] Crystilakere
[#33] New Montreal States
[#43] Praying2God

Rejistania :: Ranked second in the world, with a prestigious history in the World Cup, holding the record for greatest number of World Cup wins. Narrowly beaten in the last final, and will be out looking for revenge and another World Cup.
Prediction :: 1st

Crystilakere :: Failed to get past the group stage for the past two World Cups, and as a result may not manage to qualify this time either.
Prediction :: 3rd

New Montreal States :: Has got a stage further in each World Cup, and this would mean progressing to the Second Round this year, and my predicition is that they'll do it.
Prediction :: 2nd

Praying2God :: Managed to narrowly progress on goal difference, with the only 18 points, so looking to finish bottom of the group, with perhaps a draw against Crystilakere to hold Crystilakere back.
Prediction :: 4th

Group C

[#5] Bedistan
[#15] One Red Dot
[#21] Vilita
[#184] County Islands

Bedistan :: Having reached the second round last time, narrowly going out on penalties, and reaching the quarter finals before that. Bedistan look the very big favourites in this group.
Prediction :: 1st

One Red Dot :: Not managed to get past the group stage last tim, but has a history of getting past, so backing them to get to the next round.
Prediction :: 2nd

Vilita :: A high ranked team, who have not got past the group stage in the past three World Cups, so will provide a challenge, but will miss out on getting to the next stage.
Prediction :: 3rd

County Islands :: Managing to get through on a spooky disapperance of EL CID THE HERO, it seems the space where the country was is completely empty, as if it had never been there. Could put up a fight but likely to finish last.
Prediction :: 4th

Group D

[#9] Tadjikistan
[#29] Commerce Heights
[#10] Krytenia
[#88] Giant Zucchini

Tadjikistan :: A strong team, who made it to the Quarter Finals last year, only beaten on penalties by the #1 ranked team, Sarzonia, and made the second round in the previous World Cup. Could lose out on getting past this stage.
Prediction :: 3rd

Commerce Heights :: One of the co-hosts of this World Cup and with strong home support, looking to at least get past the first round, but with Krytenia and Tadjikistan in the group, could pose a problem.
Prediction :: 2nd

Krytenia :: A strong footballing team, managed to get to the semi-finals two World Cups ago, in the past three World Cups has been knocked out by Sarzonia, twice on penalties. Definately a team to look out for.
Prediction :: 1st

Giant Zucchini :: Managed to get through thanks to another wierd disapearing act, but might struggle in this round. Could help keep Tadjikistan from getting through though.
Prediction :: 4th

Group E

[#4] Squornshelous
[#18] Oaker
[#24] Jeruselem
[#161] Wentland

Squornshelous :: Looking to take the group, after getting third place last time, will mount a serious challenge to get to the final.
Prediction :: 1st

Oaker :: Apart from reaching the Quarter Finals two World Cups ago, Oaker haven't got past the group stage in three World Cups, so might struggle this time aswell.
Prediction :: 3rd

Jeruselem :: Having had a solid qualifying campaign, may get past the group stage for the first time in three World Cups.
Prediction :: 2nd

Wentland :: A succesfull qualifying campaign our fellow newcomers, but may struggle to get past the group stage in quite a tough group.
Prediction :: 4th

Group F

[#6] Liverpool England
[#13] Fmjphoenix
[#28] Spruitland
[#139] Schiavonia

Liverpool England :: Didn't look at all impressive in qualifying, with 209th in the world getting a draw against them, looking to struggle and might finish dead last.
Prediction :: 4th

Fmjphoenix :: Managed to get past the group stage last time, and fielding a strong team, amassing 31 points in qualifying. Looking like the favourites of the group.
Prediction :: 1st

Spruitland :: Hasn't yet managed to get past the group stage, and after an okay performance in qualifying the trend looks likely to continue.
Prediction :: 3rd

Schiavonia :: Played excellently in the qualifyers finshing level on points with Rejistania, and should carry that form through and will mount a serious challenge to the heavyweights.
Prediction :: 2nd

Group G

[#7] Total n Utter Insanity
[#12] Audioslavia
[#27] Hockey Canada
[#184] Cataduanes

Total n Utter Insanity :: Managed to get past the group stage in the past three World Cups, and looking to continue that, reached the semi-finals eight years ago, so could go far this World Cup.
Prediction :: 1st

Audioslavia :: Long overdue a win in the World Cup, and will be a contender for this years, but knowing their luck, no win this year either.
Prediction :: 2nd

Hockey Canada :: A solid qualifying campaign, but will probably lose out on getting to the next stage, possibly head back by Cataduanes.
Prediction :: 3rd

Cataduanes :: Did well to get as far as they have done and unfortunately may end up last, although i get the feeling of at least one upset to hold back a team.
Prediction :: 4th

Group H

[#31] Oliverry
[#1] Sarzonia
[#17] Lovisa
[#120] The Kazoo Peoples

Oliverry :: The second co-host, will have very strong home support aswell but lack of play may affect thier progression to the next round, it may all depend on The Kazoo Peoples
Prediction :: 2nd/3rd

Sarzonia :: Number 1 in the world, and will surely get past the group stage, and look likely to get to the final, but may fall at the last hurdle.
Prediction :: 1st

Lovisa :: Highly ranked but a dissapointing qualifying run may impact their performance in the group stage.
Prediction :: 4th

The Kazoo Peoples :: Our friends from the Baptism of Fire did well to get through, and look set to be the decider in how the group turns out. Could just make it, or just not.
Prediction :: 2nd/3rd

Edgar Bluff and Clive Norton were taking a preview visit to the King’s Palacium, venue of their first match with Squornshelous. They were a little surprised at the outside.

“Looks like a shed,” remarked Norton. “A bit anti-climactic after all that…”

Inside it was different. Sumptuously appointed, excellent sightlines, the dressing rooms could only be described as, well, palatial.

“We’re not gonna be used to this,” said Norton. “Let’s see if we can have a training sesh here.”

They stepped through the dressing rooms, into the cavernous tunnel and strode out onto the pitch. Their steps echoed around the vast arena as the stands reverberated of the noise of past struggle in the pellucid twilight. Hard to believe that this calm quasi-industrial luxury could ever be a fuming cauldron of emotion. A clunk as one of the groundsmen kindly ignited the floodlights. The manager and his assistant walked towards the centre spot, not saying a word, meditating, contemplating. It had indeed been a long, long road…

Sokojito Überdome, 소코지토 도시, 소코 (Sokojito Dosi, SK)

Brettschneider: Hello, and welcome to Aeropag Tribune Media’s exclusive coverage of the opening game of World Cup 26, an epic battle between co-hosts Commerce Heights, who will be pressing their home advantage of four hundred thousand fans here at the sold out Sokojito Überdome, and tenth-ranked Krytenia. I’m Jan Brettschneider—

Moré: —and I’m Boris Moré, and we’re coming to you from the bustling megalopolis of 소코지토 도시 (Sokojito Dosi), home to over thirty million Capitalizts fans. Unfortunately, the CHEAT Alliance discovered that it wasn’t technically possible to fit all of them in to a single stadium, so they settled for four hundred thousand, five hundred and fifty-two. In addition to being the opening game of World Cup 26, this is the first international match at the Überdome, as I’m sure you can tell from all the noise behind me.

Brettschneider: Well, it seems the ceremonies are underway, so we’ll go down to the field with Bardolf Nübel to see the presentation of the colors of the Unified Capitalizt States.

Nübel: Thank you, Jan. This has been a significant problem for the Capitalizts over their ten World Cup appearances—the other thirty-one qualifiers have always had some nice music to accompany their flag, while the Capitalizts simply observe a moment of silence for the thirty thousand lives lost in a bombing of Aeropag during the Capitalizt Revolution, since we don’t actually have an anthem.

Brettschneider: Well, I don’t know about the rest of you, but if we don’t have government agents stealing our profits, I think I can live without a national anthem. Thanks, Bardolf.

Moré: So, Jan, I understand you’ve made some predictions about the finals?

Brettschneider: So I have. We’ve still got plenty of time before the game is underway, want to go through the list?

Moré: Sure. We might have to take a commercial break in the middle, but I can wait.

Brettschneider: Well, we start with Group A, of course…nothing out of the ordinary there, I’ve got them all in rank order: Starblaydia, Eauz, Casari, Qutar.

Moré: Alright, then, we’ll move on to a tough Group B, with Rejistania, Crystilakere, New Montreal States, and Praying2God.

Brettschneider: Again, I think we’ll see that group finish in rank order.

Moré: Perhaps we’ll shake things up a bit with Group C? Bedistan will surely face tough opposition from One Red Dot and Vilita, even if they can walk over County Islands.

Brettschneider: I get the distinct feeling that One Red Dot can pull off a surprise and sweep the group. Bedistan will have a tough high-scoring draw with Vilita and edge them out on goal difference for second place. County Islands, of course, won’t stand a chance.

Moré: Alright then, Group D—can the Capitalizts knock a top ten team out of the second round?

Brettschneider: They sure can! Tadjikistan’s lack of “RP,” whatever that is, will keep them down a bit while Krytenia and Commerce Heights advance. Giant Zucchini might try hard to earn a point, but they won’t be able to pull it off.

Moré: So, Group E…Squornshelous look strong there, but Wentland will surely be trying to continue their lucky run.

Brettschneider: And they’ll surely be disappointed when they come up fourth in their group. They might not be able to stand up to Squornshelous, but Oaker can, and that’s why they’ll top the group. Squorn will take the second spot, and Jeruselem will be left behind in third.

Moré: Perhaps we’ll have a shocker in Group F? There’s a nice rivalry between Fmjphoenix and Liverpool England, and Spruitland are strong contenders as well.

Brettschneider: Fmjphoenix will tear apart Liverpool England, no doubt about it. As for Spruitland, I don’t see them getting through this time. Schiavonia won’t completely embarass themselves, but they’ll still finish last.

Moré: On to Group G…there’s some heated competition between Audioslavia and Total n Utter Insanity. Hockey Canada will try for a piece of the action, and Cataduanes might be a spoiler.

Brettschneider: I don’t see that happening. Cataduanes will go 0–0–3, like most of the bottom teams. Audioslavia should edge out the Insanicians, both in the game and the final table. And Hockey Canada won’t be able to keep up with either of them.

Moré: Finally, Group H—the number one team in the world takes on Oliverry. See anything happening there?

Brettschneider: I think Oliverry can hold Sarzonia to a draw, and qualify behind Sarzonia on goal difference. Lovisans can’t talk, let alone play football. And I think The Kazoo Peoples can stand up to Oliverry and get a point.

Moré: So, that wraps up the first round—think we’ll see any big upsets in the second round?

Brettschneider: As a matter of fact, I do! World champions Starblaydia will face a tough test against Crystilakere, but I think their attack will bring victory and advancement. On the other hand, Rejistania’s defense will mean defeat against Eauz, as Les Bleus will edge them out 1–0. We’ll have a hell of a match on our hands between One Red Dot and Commerce Heights. My prediction: 4–4 after 90 minutes, with the Capitalizts sneaking two goals before the extra time whistle to win 6–5. Unfortunately, they’ll move on to face Bedistan, who will easily overpower Krytenia. Oaker will continue their history of lucky wins against Liverpool England, who will be disappointed not to reach the quarterfinals. Fmjphoenix will continue what has been an excellent run with a win over Squornshelous, knocking them out of contention. From groups G and H, we’ll see Audioslavia calmly dominate Oliverry, even with their home field advantage, and Sarzonia will get another dose of bad officiating in an extra time loss to Total n Utter Insanity.

Moré: Sounds like some great matches you have lined up for us in your quarterfinals. If I took my notes well…that’s Starblaydia–Eauz, Commerce Heights–Bedistan, Oaker–Fmjphoenix, and Audioslavia–Total n Utter Insanity—again!

Brettschneider: You’re absolutely correct, Boris. Les Bleus will once again put up a fight, but they’ll miss their chance at ousting two consecutive top-3 teams on penalty kicks after a Karelan draw in the first 120. The Capitalizts will finally get a taste of victory against their former neighbors, pressing their home advantage to win 4–2. Fmjphoenix’s offense will take them to the semifinals, ending an Oaker run that no one inside that nation will actually follow. And finally, Audioslavia will take another win over their rivals, by the same scoreline as the first round encounter.

Moré: So, your semifinals are Starblaydia–Commerce Heights and Fmjphoenix–Audioslavia. I’ve heard some predictions of the final match being played by two teams outside the top 100, I see you’re not part of that club?

Brettschneider: Indeed not. Whatever this RP bonus machine is doing, it can’t stop a good strategy, which all of these top teams have.

Moré: So, enlighten us as to how the Capitalizts will fare in the semifinals.

Brettschneider: Well, it won’t be for lack of trying, but I’m sure you’ll hear reports all over Sirius D about how Starblaydia won over Commerce Heights 3–1. As for the other match, expect Fmjphoenix to put up a brilliant performace against the ’Slaves and win it in extra time.

Moré: Alright…Commerce Heights will face nemeses Audioslavia in the third-place playoff, and we’ll have an all-Atlantian Oceania final in the Überdome between Starblaydia and Fmjphoenix?

Brettschneider: That’s right. Now, we’ll have to go to a commercial break, but when we get back, we’ll have my predictions for the final matches of World Cup 26. Once that’s over with, we’ll start the real first match of World Cup 26 between Commerce Heights and Krytenia. You’re watching Aeropag Tribune Media, the nationwide leader in journalism.

Terminators to face Fmjphoenix... AGAIN
Plus... Douglas Freech's Cup predictions!

Liverpool England have been handed a "challenging" draw for the World Cup 26 finals, says head coach Sir Douglas Freech. Freech, who won World Cup 24 in Krytenia and Druida with the Terminators, is in the final months of his current contract and the FALE have expressed a desire to see the team reach the semi-finals of this World Cup.

Here are Freech's predictions for this World Cup finals:
"In Group A we see Starblaydia, defending champions, Eauz, Casari and Qutar. I actually fancy Casari to have a pop for second spot - and indeed, it's not unlikely that Qutar will accept dead last either. An interesting group, which Starblaydia will win comfortably, but otherwise I definitely see and upset, with Casari sneaking it on goal difference.

"Group B is far much easier to predict - Rejistania, Crystilakere, New Montreal States and Praying2God - perhaps I can see the Paladins trying to get 2nd place, but I think Crystilakere are good enough to hold them off - just about. Don't write off Praying2God - while they certainly won't qualify, they'll want to avoid having the dubious honour of last place.

"Group C is an interesting one too. Bedistan, One Red Dot and Vilita - any two from those three can qualify. County Islands are all but out of the running. If I had to stick my neck out, I'd say Vilita will take the group from Bedistan - just for fun.

"Group D sees the hosts Commerce Heights. This is a Group of Death, with Krytenia, Tadjikistan and Giant Zucchini all in it. I commentated on Anglo FC's NSFA Cup 4-1 win, and they sure show that vegetables can play good footie. Since Commerce Heights have home advatage, I'd send them through. Tadjikistan to just about sneak in ahead of them, sending Krytenia out.

"Now on to the Oliverrian half of the draw - Group E sees Squornshelous, Oaker, Jeruselem and Wentland. This is a tough one to call. Squornshelous are through, but with Wentland's current form, any of the remaining three can make it. I'll be bold, and go with Wentland to surprise.

"We are in group F, a challenging group to say the least - perhaps the second Group of Death in this cup. We face off with Fmjphoenix - who we've faced six times since the World Cup 23 finals - and I'll get a chance to catch up with Gary Accrew, who works as fitness trainer for the Vikings. Spruitland and Schiavonia will provide tough opposition - I do see a draw for us aganst the Vikings - but hopefully we'll get 6 from the other two. Us to go through alongside Fmjphoenix, with us topping on goal difference.

"Group G is a very, very enticing group. Audioslavia and Total n Utter Insanity will face off yet again - this fixture has become internationally notorious of late. Hockey Canada and Cataduanes are also in the group, but I cannot see them posing any threat whatsoever. The Slaves to take the group.

"Finally, Group H. Cohosts Oliverry on home soil have their work cut out against Sarzonia, and a team going from strength-to-strength at the moment, The Kazoo Peoples. Lovisa are all but out of it. Sarzonia are a certainty, but don't write off The Kazoo Peoples in this - I think they'll make it on goal difference.

"Final 16 first knockout would then see Starblaydia face Crystilakere - effectively a walkover for Starblaydia. It's not even a contest! Casari would face Rejistania - not a game I'd fancy watching - Casari will be defending the much superior opposition, however Rejistania are defensive in their own right. A draw to be settled on penalty kicks, with Rejistania making it through to face Starblaydia.

"Vilita would then face Tadjikistan - an interesting but unlikely matchup - one that I'd give to Tadjikistan, just based on their world ranking. Then the savoury tie would be Commerce Heights, the hosts, taking on Bedistan - their last two meetings have ended in 3-0 Bedistani wins - and I don't see a change in that. Bedistan to face Tadjikistan.

"As Group E winners Squornshelous would have to face Fmjphoenix - a paring that could see a winner only after two hours of play. Squronshelous to take in in extra time. We would then face Wentland, and end their amazing fairytale, for us to face Squornshelous in the quarterfinals with some revenge on our minds after we went out against them both in WC22 and WC25.

"Audioslavia will walk all over The Kazoo Peoples, but Sarzonia and Total n Utter Insanity will be a very interesting match. Sarzonia, however, as world top ranks, should be able to get the result.

"Quarterfinals would then see some very big matchups - and winners of the ties would be glad to see other big names drop out. First up, Rejistania (2nd) to face Starblaydia (3rd). A big game, and Starblaydia's attacking prowess is just about met by the defensiveness of the Orange-Blues. A win by the odd goal, don't expect penalties but I wouldn't rule extra time out. Starblaydia to scrape it.

"Bedistan would face Tadjikistan - and this seems to be the easiest quarterfinal of all of them to call. The Lions will make it to the final 4.

"The game of revenge. Vindication is sweet, and the lads would be up for a game against Squornshelous. It'd be scrappy, but I'd fancy our chances.

"Then, you have Sarzonia facing Audioslavia. An intruiging fixture, and I can see the Slaves shocking the world number ones.

"Semifinals would see Starblaydia facing Bedistan - and winning. That would set up a nice ring to a World Cup final, especially since I honestly don't think we'd be able to get past Audioslavia.

"We'd of course beat Bedistan in the third place match, but the final will ultimately be won by Starblaydia in my view - sucessfully defending their World Cup trophy."

ISLANDERS IN GROUP G

The islanders have been drawn into group G with very tough opposition, despite Cataduanes good showing during the qualifiers it remains to be seen wether they will make an impact on Total n utter insanity and Audioslavia, but as coach Manua and the Cataduanes FA have often said since qualifaction the fact that the islands have qualified for there first ever World Cup Finals is in itself an achievement and are looking on this debut tournament to build up experience for future tournaments. Much of the islands hopes rest on the forwards Macalinao and Guarin, and it remains to be seen wether the young midfielder, Souletano, so impressive during the qualifiers will continue his good form. While there is doubts wether the Islanders can pick up wins against the top two sides in the group Coach Manua is expecting some sort of result against Hockey Canada.

With millions within the UNFR expecting to be supporting the region's sole entry into the tournament the Islanders carry the hopes of not just there nation but of an entire region.

Qutar Sports News Network

Good afternoon Qutar, I bring you good news. The trial over broadcasting rights is finally over, and as expected QSNN has the right to broadcast all of Qutar's World Cup matches. I must apoligise for the distruption due to the case, in the latter half of our qualifying campaign, but we're back now and I promise no more interruptions. But now we go live to the QFA for an offical press conference, the President of the QFA, Kelvin Duke and the national team manager, Paul Dove.

Kevlin Duke : "Thank-you all for coming today, everyone here at the QFA was in exstacy following our qualification, and we are all excited about the games ahead. But for now I'd like to hand you over to Paul"

Paul Dove : "Well following our qualification, I felt it fit to strengthen our squad further. Following Fareham's amazing achievement in winning the Premier League in its first season, and seeing some of the talent they had to offer, I have called up Ben Kennedy and Richard White from Fareham. Also following Badock Hall's promotion, and win of the Qutari Cup, and seeing him play myself, I have also called up Sam Wildgoose to the squad. James Thomas will not be playing in any further World Cup matches, we hoped that his injury was less severe, but since he can get better treatment back in Qutar, we decided that it was best if he went home, he played brilliantly before the incident, and we look forward to his return.

On the subject of the World Cup and our chances, I believe in this squad and I believe that we will be a serious challenge to any team out there, I believe we will go much further than anyone else expects."

The Islands of Qutar National Team

Team Roster

Manager:: Paul Dove (Age::52)

GK :: Peter Stone (Club::Cëre United, Age::19)
GK :: Geraint Kozel (Club::Arun City, Age::20)
GK :: Peter Turner (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::20)
DEF :: Nick Saunders (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::22)
DEF :: Dominic Kelly (Club::Cëre United, Age::21)
DEF :: David Howell (Club::Arun City, Age::20)
DEF :: Amir Safavi (Club::Newport FC, Age::21)
DEF :: Alex Martin (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::23)
DEF :: William Lemkes (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::18)
DEF :: Sam Wildgoose (Club::Badock Hall, Age::20)
MID :: David Parker (Club::Bristol City, Age::19)
MID :: Sam Tomlin (Club::Bristol City, Age::20)
MID :: Chris Saunders (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::24)
MID :: John Gordon (Club::Ryde United, Age::20)
MID :: Olliver Smith (Club::Cëre United, Age::20)
MID :: Nick Rogers (Club::Cëre United, Age::20)
MID :: Richard White (Club::Fareham, Age::27)
ATK :: Thomas Siese (Club::Cëre United, Age::20)
ATK :: Ali (Club::Cëre United, Age::21)
ATK :: James Lemkes (Club::Bembridge FC, Age::22)
ATK :: Ben Kennedy (Club::Fareham, Age::22)

Starting Line-Up (4-4-2 Formation)
GK :: Peter Stone [1]
DEF :: Nick Saunders [2]
DEF :: Dominic Kelly [3]
DEF :: David Howell [4]
DEF :: William Lemkes [5]
MID :: Sam Tomlin [6]
MID :: Chris Saunders (Capt.) [7]
MID :: John Gordon [8]
MID :: David Parker [15]
ATK :: Ali [10]
ATK :: Tom Siese[17]

On the Bench
GK :: Peter Turner [12]
DEF :: Amir Safavi [13]
DEF :: Alex Martin [14]
DEF :: Sam Wildgoose [20]
MID :: Nick Rogers [9]
MID :: Olliver Smith [16]
MID :: Richard White [19]
ATK :: Ben Kennedy[11]
ATK :: James Lemkes [18]

John Carlson (JC): We're coming to you live from Cliff Broquard Stadium in Commerce Heights, where our Praying2God Warriors will be taking on the number two team in the world from Rejistania in the Warriors first ever match in the WC proper, after having been eliminated during qualifying the first eight times they tried to qualify for the WC.

David Tall (DT): It was a miraculous finish to qualifying at that, John. The Warriors were seven points behind 23rd ranked Bettia after being beaten by them 0-2 on Matchday 10 in the House of Prayer. For all intensive purposes it looked like the Warriors were eliminated, but this hasn't been one of the most unpredictable WCs ever for nothing. The Warriors closed qualifying by going 2-1-1 while Bettia was defeated by Fmjphoenix, Tanah Burung, and Basicota in succession to close qualifying, and the Warriors qualified on superior goal differntial.

Lisa Simonson (LS): It was widely believed that the Warriors were going to need to win out to have a chance at qualifying, because Bettia was supposed to be too good to fall flat on their faces like they did. For their extremely good fortune at the end of qualifying, the Warriors were rewarded by being drawn into the proverbial "Group of Death". The Warriors are highly unlikely to qualify, but considering all of the surprise teams in the WC finals, the unlikely appears to be quite likely in this WC. Will the Warriors qualify? Probably not, but they stand the best chance of any of the bottom ranked teams.

JC: Rejistania is renowned for its System Karela style, which places a great deal of emphasis on defense. When you get to this stage of the WC, teams seem to have a problem scoring many goals on team. How can the Warriors manage to score on this team?

DT: Rejistania may be known for its defense, but even they get impatient with a team that is willing to be patient and lure them into attacking. That plays well with the Warriors style of play. Rejistania could be left with some match-up problems today. The big questions for Rejistania are: Do they have an answer for Thomas Larson if he can manage to get loose? And can they figure out how to beat Sarah Larson? If the answer to one or both of those questions is "no", then the Warriors may very possibly walk off the field today with at least one point, if not the full three.

LS: I don't know that the Warriors will be able to score on this incredible Rejistanian defense. The bigger question is will they be able to be calm enough not to send too many players on the attack and leave the defense vulnerable to a famous Rejistanian counter-attack. If they can keep their heads about them, there is no reason that the Warriors can't walk off the field with an important point.

JC: Do you think the Warriors will play like one of those teams that are "just glad to be here" or will they come to play?

LS: They're definitely ready for this game. This has been a long time coming for the Warriors and their fans. The Warriors won't be intimidated by the quality of the opposition at this stage, and will be quite competitive.

DT: I agree, Lisa. The Warriors have waited too long to play in this game to not come to play. They should have been here multiple times before, but always seemed to get robbed. This time the ball bounced in their favor and the Warriors are ready to capitalize on it. Their 3rd place finish in CoH XVII will help them, because they will be used to having to play at a high level for several consecutive matches.

JC: Who holds the key to a Warriors upset?

DT: I would have to say Thomas Larson, John. If he can manage to score on the Rejistania defense then the Warriors will be in great position to pull the upset.

LS: Well, John. I don't know that you could pick a key to the Warriors success today. It will take a total team effort to pull off what would be a shocking upset. Just like it took a team effort to earn a 0-0 draw when these teams met during the JJJ before WC XXV. If forced to pick a single player, though, I would have to say that it's Thomas' spouse, Sarah Larson. She's going to have to be on top of her game all match long because Rejistania won't take many shots, and she'll need to stop all of them that Rejistania does take for the Warriors to have any chance.

JC: Any predictions for today's match?

DT: The Warriors have endured nine WC qualifying attempts to get to this point and will come to play. Neither keeper will give an inch, though, and this match will end in a 0-0 draw.

LS: As lucky as the Warriors have been lately, luck can't last forever. The Warriors will play well, but the 2nd best team in the world will be a little too much for the Warriors to handle today. Rejistania will take their first step towards the 2nd Round with a 1-0 win over the Warriors.

JC: There you have it, folks. We'll be right back with the opening kick-off of today's match after these messages.

thsd:NEWS

Lows And Heights
by Rami Niblick in Sokojito Dosi

SPLUTTERING into the finals come the eleventh-ranked Aces. Only Spaam's complete spamheadedness stopped the Krytenian team from looking at the Cup of Harmony as the men in sky and navy collected just five points from the last eighteen. But in the finals they are, and a fresh slate. Sort of.

The pressure is now building on Van Staveren to deliver. And the group draw may not have helped his cause. First up are co-hosts Commerce Heights here at the Überdome. Though the CapitaliZts are not as strong as they used to be, home support is a big advantage, as the Aces themselves proved just eight years ago. Next up are the famous Tigers of Tadjikistan. The men from Dushanbe are leading the series 3-2 overall; and in another World Cup 24 comparison, it was Tadjikistan that Krytenia beat in a last sixteen thriller. And finally, Giant Zucchini. The sentient vegetables are no more, replaced by actual humans, but these should be three points.

Onward, to COMMERCE HEIGHTS!







SCORERS
G. Kennedy - 8
R. Spivey - 7
C. Blannix - 2
K. Keda - 2
A. Pedroso - 2
J. Jaffacake-Phillips - 1
C. Stevenson - 1
J. Terezzi - 1

SCHEDULE:
MD1: H v FBR W 6-0 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD2: A v NVO W 2-1
MD3: H v SPA W 4-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham, CP)
MD4: A v HCN W 2-1
MD5: A v FSX W 2-0
MD6: H v WEE D 2-2 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD7: BYE - NO GAME
MD8: A v FBR D 3-3
MD9: H v NVO D 0-0 (Lays Road Ground, Leston, LS)
MD10: A v SPA L 1-2
MD11: H v HCN L 0-1 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD12: H v FSX W 2-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson, OU)
MD13: A v WEE L 0-3
MD14: BYE - NO GAME

R1M1: A v COM ????? (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M2: N v TDJ ????? (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M3: N v GZU ????? (Capitalizm, Yupo, COM)

The Oliverry FA had set up various supporter liaison booths throughout their country, which came in very useful for Wentland fans who had never been outside the Sceptered Land.

Questions along the lines of "is everybody called Olivier?", "what's French for menu?", "who are they Ennemies of?" and "where can you get a decent balti?" were answered with good humour.

The head of the Wentland Independent Supporters Club hailed the initiative. “I don’t think the Oliverrians ever thought there would be so many of us here,” said Billy Dane animatedly. “Their infrastructure has coped remarkably well. Very few have had to camp out.”

The people of Oliverry have had to cope with a rather boisterous crowd – but the boost to the local economy has more than compensated.

For those unlucky enough not to get tickets giant screens have been erected in town squares. Some Wentland fans are already there ready to watch their debut World Cup Finals match. “It’s not the same watching it back home,” said fan Debbie Thrower. “Just to be here, to soak up the atmosphere, is just wonderful.”

The Kazoo Peoples' national team left Kazoo City this morning on its trip to Marshalliston, Oliverry to face the co-host of the same name.

"The trip was long," said Chadd Johnson, "but it was only like nine hours, compared to some of the trips we have been taking in qualification. We have leather seats, and the economy section of our team plane has been removed, and replaced with couches, video games, and other cool stuff. We don't get bored. We can also play poker. I just won K$650 from Coach here, in fact."

"Yeah, I have a terrible poker face," said Coach Manni Aka with a smile. "I don't really mind, though. I'd actually prefer to lose -- it keeps morale up, and players love to win. I hope the winning spirit continues through the Group stage, though we'd be lucky to grab even a point from any one of these fine teams."

"What'd you lose on?"

"Oh, I had 2-7 offsuit and I went all in. Chadd called me with A-A, and well, let's just say it went down from there."

"Wait, you went all in on what is called 'The Whip,' or more likely known as 'The Worst Poker Hand Of All Time?'"

"Um, yeah. Now you're just making me sound stupid. Well, maybe I should read some more books the next time we're on a plane -- some poker books, perhaps?"

"Good idea, Coach."

---

Kazoos progress in WC26:

MD1: loss to Casari 1-0, away
MD2: draw with Turori 1-1, home
MD3: win over Hiiraan 3-1, home
MD4: OFF
MD5: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, home
MD6: draw with Rolatia 2-2, home
MD7: win over Swilatia 3-0, away
---
MD8: draw with Casari 0-0, home
MD9: draw with Turori 2-2, away
MD10: draw with Hiiraan 1-1, away
MD11: Friendly: loss to Schiavonia 2-0, home
MD12: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, away
MD13: loss to Rolatia 2-1, away
MD14: win over Swilatia 3-1, home
---
MD15: at Oliverry at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale
MD16: vs Sarzonia at Jean Angledton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
MD17: vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

---
More newspapers give predictions; oddly enough, some have Kazoos qualifying!

To add to the list of predictions:
The Islands of Qutar, winners of the Baptism of Fire, in their newspaper The Cëre Times, started with. "Our friends from the Baptism of Fire." We now have friends! Cool! They continue: "[They] did well to get through, and look set to be the decider in how the group turns out." They give us a split rank of 2nd/3rd, stating, "[they] could just make it, or just not."

Commerce Heights, said recently on Aeropag Tribune Media's coverage of the opening game, "The Kazoo Peoples can stand up to Oliverry and get a point." Though not predicting us to advance, they seem to believe we can get a point from the co-hosts. Cool!

Liverpool England's Sir Douglas Freech was tossing predictions left and right earlier today. He said that "Cohosts Oliverry on home soil have their work cut out against ... a team going from strength-to-strength at the moment, The Kazoo Peoples." Apparently, we will be a tough match -- that's nice to hear! "Don't write off The Kazoo Peoples in this - I think they'll make it on goal difference," he concludes. Kazoos advance in second. Liverpool England's predictions don't stop there, as they continue to predict the Round of 16: "Audioslavia will walk all over The Kazoo Peoples." Oh. Well, at least we got to the Round of 16, right?

So, with these three predictions, we update the tally...:

KAZOO PERFORMANCE PREDICTION TICKER:
0 First (0%)
2.5* Second (41.67%)
2.5* Third (41.67%)
1 Fourth (16.67%)
* Per The Islands of Qutar, who predicted us either second or third.

The Kazoos face Oliverry tonight.

With the Pschychoes preparing for their decisive third match against Wentland to start off the group stage, let's take a look at what people judge their chances to be.

Squornshelous :: Looking to take the group, after getting third place last time, will mount a serious challenge to get to the final.
Prediction :: 1st

Squornshelous will have no problems moving to the next round, and we see Jeruselem catching Oaker of guard like a fish out of water. Wentland should also continue their run well enough, but not enough to get past here.
Squornshelous, Jeruselem, Wentland, Oaker

Squornshelous is a veteran team and will move on to the second round with ease. The Jeruselem Crusaders will be right behind them. Wentland will stunt against Oaker and get third.


It's really a fight between Oaker, Jeruselem and Wentland for the 2nd spot. Squornshelous should be the best team here and Squornshelous were in same group as Wentland before too.

Most folks probably won't pick Jeruselem because we lose Group stage games apart from the World Cup 24 when we won all - we lose or draw the others. Wentland have done well and Oaker topped their group, although we had more points in the end. We are say Squornshelous and Jeruselem, but you'd expect that ... if not us, then we pick Oaker.

Group E:
1. Squornshelous (4)
2. Oaker (18)
3. Jeruselem (24)
4. Wentland (161)

"Now on to the Oliverrian half of the draw - Group E sees Squornshelous, Oaker, Jeruselem and Wentland. This is a tough one to call. Squornshelous are through, but with Wentland's current form, any of the remaining three can make it. I'll be bold, and go with Wentland to surprise.

As you can plainly see, everyone who has yet put forward analyses of the groups likes our chances to advance. As The Kazoo Peoples might say:

PSCHYCHOES PERFORMANCE PREDICTION TICKER:
6 First (100%)
0 Second (0%)
0 Third (0%)
0 Fourth (0%)

This of course, it at the same time very confidence inspiring, and very worrying. On the one hand, it is clear that Squornshelous has a very large advantage over their gorup mates for so many analysts to pick them to finish first. However, there is also the possibility for the Pschychoes to fall prey to the dreaded "Group Favorite Syndrome" which has struck in Squornshelous before. The Pschychoes will have to work extremely hard to be sure to avoid complacency. They must focus on the task at hand, and manager Ricardo Colon says that he and the team are "not even looking ahead to the matches with Jeruselem and Oaker." The Pschychoes are going to concentrate on taking this cup one match at a time. No stupid mastakes, no missed opportunies, no elimination this time. This time, we're going to win it all.

As you can plainly see, everyone who has yet put forward analyses of the groups likes our chances to advance. As The Kazoo Peoples might say:

PSCHYCHOES PERFORMANCE PREDICTION TICKER:
6 First (100%)
0 Second (0%)
0 Third (0%)
0 Fourth (0%)

Donald McRonald logged on to his computer to find something familiar... very familiar. He had seen it earlier today in the Kazoo City Courier, but see it somewhere else in the world, another nation using something similar? Outrageous!

But, it was indeed the "PERFORMANCE PREDICTION TICKER," by which a team's predicted performance was charted.

"Now what you see here is what is known as 'making a contribution to society,'" said Ronald McDonald, "and though the term may be silly, the fact still remains that someone outside of our moderately small nation copied something we created, and modified it to their own ends. Copying is a form of flattery, or so they say..."

"Who's 'they,' Donald?"

"I have no idea. But what I do know is this: they like to eat with sporks, and they may or may not be wearing underwear. I'll keep you updated."

"Um, thanks. But getting back to..."

"...when you interrupted me?"

"Yeah, that part."

"Copying is a form of flattery. Squornshelous was apparently impressed with our tiny nation's invention, and used it in their news report. This marks a new era of scientific progress! Long live progress! And with progress comes making a mark in the world. This is a big step for The Incorporated States of The Kazoo Peoples, especially because it didn't have anything to do with that crazy sport they call soccer, or football, or fùtbol, depending on where you're from."

"Well, Donald, actually..."

"Silence! I must concentrate!"

"On what, sir?"

"I was just handed this card, which says: 'Hey everybody! I've updated the movement in KPB Rankings to make it more readable. Go over here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10342595&postcount=513) to find out more, and to really see how you moved. Kazoo KPB Movement Charts: we're always on the move.'"

"That sounded awfully like an advertisement to go here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10342595&postcount=513). Who gave you that card to read?"

"Never you mind! Out!"

Thank you to local crazy person Donald McRonald for that report.

Nurse Denise Versavel stifled a yawn by biting a sizeable chunk out of a sugar glazed donut. She had to admit, there were advantages to having so many law enforcement officers patrolling the hospital. She could get used to this.
“Hey Denise, busy night?” one of the bored policemen asked, sticking his head into her office in a casual ‘just passing by’ manner. Denise shook her head, giving herself an extra second or two to swallow before replying.
“Naah, never,” she smiled. “Why do you think I chose this shift?”
Even though King Alfons Hospital was the biggest hospital in the capitol of Spruitland, there was rarely anything to do after dark. Just the usual rounds, changing bandages, emptying bedpans, routine stuff. Rarely anything else.
“I hear ya,” the cop smiled. “Gotta love anesthetics,” he winked, and he continued on his own, equally boring round.
He hit the nail on the head. After dark, the vast majority of Spruitland’s citizens were more than adequately sedated, puffing away on couches, beds or plush carpets, draining away all desire to participate in activities which could make them end up in the back of a police car, or in an emergency room. The only exception was house fires, but those were extremely rare. Spruitland was a nation of smokers, and fire safety awareness was inhaled from childhood. The last thing a Spruitlander checked before passing out was whether the half-smoked joint was safely in the ashtray. Spruitland nights were quiet nights.
Daytime was another thing altogether. Impaired sense of balance and a dire lack of eye-hand coordination made for a record number of work-related accidents. Business hours were madness in the hospital, and Denise thanked the heavens that she was on permanent night duty. No blood and guts for her, thank you very much. Watching over a few dozen sleeping patients was more her cup of tea. If any of them started complaining, she could just increase the dosage slightly and be done with it. Of course, patients rarely called for her – she kept the dosage pretty high to start with.
All of which made that when the emergency buzzer went off, she was more startled than one would imagine. And when she saw that it wasn’t the red ‘new arrival’ light that jumped on, nor the blue ‘patient needs nurse’ light, but the big, flashing, red and blue light that was directly hooked up to room 13, she nearly choked up her not yet digested donut.
Nurse Versavel rushed out of the night watch office, straightening her costume, removing the crumbs as best as she could, and headed down the hallway. In the distance, she could already see the two police officers positioned in front of room 13 getting up from their seats, not quite knowing what to do. Just my friggin’ luck, was all Denise could think. Another two hours and she would have dodged the bullet. But no, His Majesty had to wake up on her shift.



“I want my teddy!” King Alfons I of Spruitland wailed. “Why am I in a bed without my teddy?! Who took my teddy?! I demand to know!”
“I… I don’t know, Your Highness…” Denise prayed the representatives of the Spruitland government would arrive shortly. The buzzer was linked to several locations in the city, so undoubtedly they were scrambling to get here, by now, but it would still take them some time.
“Who the hell are you?!” the King continued, now addressing her directly. “I don’t remember ordering a hooker! I don’t like the whole nurse thing, go change into a girl scout uniform!”
“Your Highness, I’m…”
“And why are you calling me Your Highness? Is that my name? I don’t remember my name, but if that’s it, remind me to kill my parents!”
“Your name is Alfons, Your Highness…”
“Alfons Your Highness? I don’t like it! From now on, call me Fonzie!”
“Certainly, Your… Fonzie.” Denise longingly eyed the IV the King was hooked up to. One little twist of that knob, and the dosage would be doubled. His Majesty could be fast asleep again in minutes...
But the Royal Fonzie had followed her gaze.
“And why is this thing sticking in my arm?” he balked, pulling it out in one swift move. “That is NOT cool!”
“Your Majesty, please calm down,” Denise begged, using all her courage. “You’ve been in an accident and you need to take it easy for a while.”
“An accident? I don’t remember an accident! What the hell happened?”
Denise hesitated. “I don’t think I’m the right person to…” she started, but King Alfons would have nothing of it.
“I demand to know!” he bellowed. “What kind of accident?!”
“It’s… I… well…” She took a deep breath. “His Majesty dived into a swimming pool without water, Your Majesty.” She closed her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable Royal Outburst, but it didn’t come. Alfons stayed silent, for several seconds. When she opened her eyes again, the King was frowning.
“That sounds rather stupid,” he said. “What am I, an idiot?”
Denise opened her mouth to say something, but decided it was best not to speak.
“Wait a minute, I’m starting to remember now…” The King’s frown deepened. “Yes… yes… It was Thursday, and the pool always gets cleaned on Friday. Where’s the pool guy! I want him in the electric chair by nightfall!”
“I believe the legal proceedings have already started, Your…”
But the King wasn’t listening. His face turned to horror; his hand went to his head, ruffled through his hair frantically.
“My miter!” he wailed. “Where’s my miter!?”
“I’m afraid it… didn’t survive, Your Highness…”
“What?!? But… but…” Tears welled up in the Royal Eyes.
“If it’s any consolation though, it most likely saved your life. It broke the fall, and…”
“Awww, how sweet. But how am I to go on without it?” The King sighed deeply, then handed the nurse his pillow. “Here, I officially request eutha… whatsitcalled. Hell, you know what I mean. Release me from this unbearable pain.”
He laid down, folded his hands over his chest and closed his eyes. Denise looked at the pillow in her hands in shock.
“Your Highness! I can’t…” She quickly dropped the pillow. Then she leaned a bit closer to him.
“It’s supposed to be a surprise, but…”
The King opened one eye. “A surprise? Go on!”
“Spruitland’s best mitersmith has been working feverishly to make you a new miter, Your Highness. I wasn’t supposed to tell you, but under the circumstances…”
“A new miter,” the King mused. “It won’t be the same, of course… but who knows…”
His eyes suddenly widened.
“Oooh! More of my memory is starting to return now!”
“Yes, Your Highness, that’s quite normal, it will gradually…”
“When I was a young man, with barely a hair growing on my big toe, I once laughed so hard I pissed my pants!” the King grinned. “I don’t quite recall what was so funny though…”
“Take your time, Your Highness.”
“Ooh! Another one! The first time I went to a prostitute, to lose my virginity, I couldn’t get it… erm… no, wait, that must be someone else’s memory.”
“Erm… certainly, Your Highness, that happens sometimes.”
“Oooh! Wait, a recent one, now! What time is it?! I gotta go!”
He started to get up. Denise put out her hands to keep him in the bed, but didn’t dare to actually touch him.
“Your Majesty, you can’t…”
“Out of my way!” the King bellowed, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “The Wabbits’ first qualifying match is tonight, and I’m doing the kick off!”
“Quali…? But Your Highness, you don’t understand.”
“No, woman, you don’t understand. This is football, this is the World Cup, this is important. And I mean really important, not does this dress make me look fat or did you pull it out in time important. I’m the team’s lucky mascot, I always kick off the first qualifying match! They play like crap if I don’t!”
“But Your Highness… we already qualified for the World Cup…”
“We… what?” The King looked around the room suspiciously. “How long have I been here?”
“Quite a while, Your Highness.”
“And we qualified? How, what happened? Tell me some highlights!”
“Erm, I erm… Well, there was this one match, where one of our players kicked the ball very hard, and it ended up in the net… and erm…”
“Oh never mind!” King Alfons started to turn around, then thought of something else. “Did Hypocria qualify?”
“I… don’t think so, Your Majesty.”
“Good good. We can continue to make fun of them a while longer, then. Oh, what’s our group like, who do we have to play?”
“Erm, I don’t… Schiavonia, I think?”
“Schia… hah! Are you absolutely retarded?! Oh never mind, I’ll ask someone who knows. A man, for instance.”
King Alfons turned around, exposing the Royal Bare Buttocks to a trembling Nurse Versavel, and left the room. “Schiavonia… that’s a good one,” he muttered.

Canucks finish at the top of Group 2. Now to try and top Group G

To think a few years ago topping a group would be impossible...

The Hockey Canada Canucks have done it again surprising many in their stint to stay on top of their qualifying group for the second straight time. Sitting a few points over Krytenia in qualifying drew them with yet another challenge- Total N Utter Insanity and Audioslavia. Yes, many Hockey Canadians on the national team have seen Total n Utter Insanity from U21 matches and Audioslavia in the World Cup 4 years ago. Only this time the Canucks have gotten better and better.

Group G

Total n Utter Insanity- Total n Utter Insanity will definately be a threat to all teams in the World Cup and are looking like a favourite to win it like they did many years ago. Expect Total n Utter Insanity to advance easily past the group stages into the Quarter-Finals at least. Some teams may topple the surging Insanicans (if it is what they're called nationally or nickname), but it will be a tough game nevertheless.

Audioslavia- The Slavs are expected by many to advance to the next round but we have other ideas. We know if there's one team we will need to desperately beat it's the Bulls. They did well hosting the World Cup 4 years ago but times have changed. Older teams will have to step out of the spotlight for Hockey Canada in a few years, why not make it a little earlier here?

Cataduanes- The 184th ranked Cataduanes are just happy to be here. Despite a post-WC amazing rank jump, Cataduanes are not expected to make that much of a dent in Group G. Hockey Canada will not underestimate Cataduanes in this World Cup though, they are expected to play the spoiler.

Predictions to advance:

Group A: Starblaydia will take the group without breaking a sweat. Eauz will battle Casari for a round-of-16 spot.

Group B: Rejistania and Crystilakere... hands down.

Group C: Bedistan will advance with no surprises with Vilita in a close second. ORD will prove a bugger to handle.

Group D: This group is tighter than stretch pants on Opera Winfrey. We see Tadjikistan cruising to an undefeated run with Commerce Heights following closely.

Group E: Expect Squornshelous to take this group with some trouble. Jeruselem is emerging as a world power and should take 2nd.

Group F: Fmjphoenix will be cheered by fans all around the world for their run last cup. Expect fan support for them with Liverpool England. LE should make short work of all the other teams.

Group H: We predict Sarzonia to top the group with Oliverry trailing behind only on Goal Difference. Lovisa's lack of speech will give them lack of points.

The Magnificent Five’s eight-week reign atop the charts was ended by a new entry from satiric funsters Newman and Bolsover, together with pop producer Lucretius’ Rainstorm…

Everyone seems to know the score
We’ve seen it all before
They just know, they’re so sure
That Wentland’s gonna be thrown away
Gonna get blown away
But I know they can play
Cos I remember

Big V on the shirt
Edgar Bluff’s still dreaming
Rising from the dirt
Wentland flag still gleaming

So many jokes, we’ve got no chance
And we’re gonna play so pants
We won’t even advance
But I still see the play of the twins
And the never-give-ins
Frankie’s goals give us wins
And I remember

Big V on the shirt
Joe Weston’s still dreaming
Big Gus never hurt
Billy James still weaving

I can see Tom Devey
Win in Oliverry…

We’re going through, we’re going through,
We’re going,
Wentland’s going through…

Michael Twatt on the news said it best. "There's no optimism like mindless optimism. Goodnight."

OLIVERRY -- Donald McRonald stood outside Jean Angleton Garden, waiting for the gates to open to the famed stadium for the opening match of Group H: Oliverry versus The Kazoo Peoples. Unfortunately for him and a few thousand Kazoo fans who showed up early, the wait was in vain.

"Well, similiar to great fiasco of the Schiavonia friendly on Matchday 12, we are out here with our hands in our pockets, expecting a great soccer match today, but unfortunately, the match has been postponed," said Donald.

Apparently, everyone knew that the match between Oliverry and The Kazoo Peoples was today. That is, everyone but Oliverry.

"What, a match today? Crazy!" said one Oliverrian official. "That's not until later!"

"How late?" we asked.

"No comment."

The question that still is wandering through everyone's head: "When will the Finals start?"

As it appears, not for a little while longer.

I know, that Iam very quite now, but as You know or not, I moved from my hometown Kraków (Poland) to Killarnet in Ireland and I use internet only in internet cafe, than I cant writting a lot of post, becuse here internet in cafes is very expensive. But I try look what happend in forum.

Good luck for my team. Lovisa You can win :)

REALITY SMACKS US A GOOD ONE

2-1 loss to Crystilikere puts kibosh on advancing

COMMERCE HEIGHTS - Facing the prospect of a difficult campaign to advance with 16th-ranked Crystilikere as the main obstacle between the Paladins and the round of 16, the Paladins promptly went out and delivered a 2-1 bomb that "pretty much takes the wind out of our sails," according to coach William Branstone.

"These guys ain't getting past Rejistania. These guys probably couldn't get past Shearer Heaven right about now. They can't pass, can't shoot and can barely remember not to touch the ball with their hands," he continued.

Thomas "Dr. Feelgood" Li delivered an early goal for the Paladins, putting them up 1-0 13 minutes in. NMS then proceeded to squander several brilliant scoring opportunities, including one in which the Crystilikere keeper was sprawled on the ground after a dive and the net was "more open than a dozen prostitutes," in the mildly acerbic commentary provided by coach Branstone. After a spectacular defensive screwup on the back end involving both backs tripping over each other (an incident begun with an untied shoelace) gave away the equalizer three minutes before the half, Branstone proceeded to go down to the lockers and give his team a traditional chewing out like no-one else in the footballing world can.

Momentum had shifted to Crystilikere hands, however, and the Paladins seemed to be doing little more than delaying the inevitable, which came in the 64th minute with keeper Brenden Matthews out of position after deflecting a shot. The remainder of the match involved Crystilikere playing ten in the box, and what little offensive spark the Paladins could provide was easily countered.

World ranked number 2 Rejistania is coming up next, and with the Paladins in the shape they are now, there can be no doubt, really, as to who will be coming out on top.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/gdb_today_banner.png

Bedistani footballer missing
Failed to show at practice or at World Cup match

AEROPAG, Commerce Heights — It suddenly became apparent at today's World Cup XXVI group stage match between Bedistan and County Islands that something was wrong when the Bedistan starting lineup did not include star midfielder Tara Stalls. As of the start of the match, no explanation had been given for her omission from the lineup.

After the match, however, Bedistan national team manager Kenter Surf set the record straight. "Tara left us on Saturday when we arrived on Aeropag, saying something about visiting her childhood home. I wasn't keen on the idea, but she insisted on going, claiming she'd be back for practice on Monday and for the match today. Nobody on the team has seen her since then."

Surf says that Stalls told him she was traveling to somewhere near what is now the Tingitanan city of Putemo, the original location of the Bedistani city of Port Lusambo (see map below). As a general rule, Bedistanis are not typically very welcome in Tingitana, and as Tingitana has effectively no government, there is no guarantee of safety for visitors.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/aji.png
The Atlantian Jativan Islands. The western islands, formerly Bedistani, are now controlled by Tingitana, and the eastern islands belong to Commerce Heights. Source: Map of Paripana and vicinity, © 82 CE Unified Capitalizt States of Commerce Heights, Inc. Used without permission.

A search party has been sent to Putemo to search for the missing footballer, but the search has not produced any results yet.

John Carlson (JC): We're back and ready for the opening kick-off. Rejistania puts the ball in play and we are under way in this crucial match for the Warriors as they take their first steps in unchartered territory...the group play stage of the WC...


*25th minute*

JC: The Warriors have held their own quite nicely in the first half of the first half. Most of the action has taken place in the midfield area, with no real chances on either side...Wait...Rejistania is loose on one of their legendary counter-attacks...I wouldn't want to be Sarah Larson at the moment...there's the shot...SAVE!!! Sarah Larson made a great play on that shot to keep this match scoreless...She punts the ball back into the midfield area and out of harms way...

David Tall (DT): That was a great save by Sarah Larson. Most keepers are unable to turn away a legendary Rejistanian counter-attack. She managed to do it, and make it look easy. The Warriors can't afford to give up too many of those chances, though, as Rejistania will eventually make them pay if they do.

Lisa Simonson (LS): I agree, David. The Warriors are playing their typical patient game quite well so far, but let's see if they can stay patient into the last few minutes of the half and the match. If they can, they might be able to escape with a point today.


*43rd minute*

JC: The Warriors have the ball now...this is the closest they've been to the Rejistanian net all match...Ashley Gore with the ball...she passes to Kylie Holly on the wing...here's a ball played into the box...three players go up for it in front of the net...it finds Thomas Larson's head...and goes into the bottom right corner of the net...GOOOOOOOAL!!!! Thomas Larson has scored just before halftime to give the Warriors a stunning 1-0 lead.

LS: These teams have been so evenly matched so far, John, that it looks like it will be the team that capitalizes on opportunities like that one that will win this match.

DT: What a huge goal for the Warriors! They can afford to be patient now. Rejistania clearly will not want to let any points slip away, and will likely become more aggressive in the closing minutes of the match to try to earn a point, if they haven't tied the match before then.


*Halftime*

JC: I don't know that anybody other than those in the Warriors' locker room at the moment would have predicted what the scoreboard says right now folks. I don't know that they'd even dream of being in the position they now find themselves in. The Warriors lead Rejistania, the 2nd best team in the world, 1-0 at halftime in the opening match of group play in WC XXVI. How have the Warriors managed to grab the lead at halftime?

DT: Well, John...the Warriors played a nearly perfect half of soccer. It reminds me of watching them at the end of the JJJ before WC XXV, when they drew 0-0 with Rejistania and then promptly turned around and upset the best team in the world, Sarzonia, 2-0. If they can keep this up the Warriors may be able to make some serious noise in WC XXVI.

LS: Let's not get ahead of ourselves, David. There is still a half of this match left to play before the Warriors can start talking about the potential scenarios that could unfold. Rejistania is one of the best teams in the world for good reason, a one-goal deficit is nothing to them.

JC: Can the Warriors do the unimaginable and pull of the upset?

LS: It certainly won't be easy. Rejistania certainly won't just roll over and give the Warriors the three points. The Warriors will have to play another nearly flawless, if not flawless half, to pull off the upset. Possible? Yes. Likely? Not really.

DT: I wouldn't say that an upset is unimaginable at this point, John. They have the lead at halftime and can go just as karelan as Rejistania to protect the lead. Never mind the fact that Sarah Larson becomes nearly impossible to score on when she's protecting the lead in the closing minutes of the match. If Rejistania hasn't evened the match by the 70th minute, I wouldn't be surprised to see them start taking more chances than usual to try to get the equalizer. That might pave the way for a Warriors counter-attack insurance goal to put the match on ice.

JC: We'll be right back after these commercials for the second half...


*84th minute*

JC: The Warriors have somehow managed to stay patient and resilient...Brittany Law has come on for Jessica Stevenson, who got scraped up a bit on an aggressive tackle by a Rejistanian defender, but appears to be fine, has played admirably...Rejistania continues to turn up the pressure as they search for the equalizer...Christine Holly intercepts the pass and clears the ball out towards midfield...Kelly Carter is there...she gains possession and starts into the Rejistanian side...only one defender back for Rejistania...Kelly Carter plays the ball wide for Thomas Larson...the Warriors have a two-on-one with a chance for the insurance goal...Thomas passes it back to Carter...she passes it back to him...they get to the top of the box...he plays the ball back towards her...she one-times it towards the net...GOOOOOOOAL!!!! Kelly Carter has scored in the 84th minute to give the Warriors a 2-0 lead!

LS: Who would have believed in before this match. Only those on the Warriors team. Nobody gave them a chance to pull off the upset, but here they are...with a two goal lead in the closing minutes of their first ever group play match.

DT: What an incredible match the Warriors have played today. They've outpatienced Rejistania and have capitalized better on their chances. Now the Warriors find themselves to be in position to be in the driver's seat in their group.


*90th minute*

*whistle blows*

JC: That's it! It's over! The Warriors have done the unthinkable! They've upset the second best team in the world to open WC XXVI group play. That, coupled with Crystilakere's 2-1 victory over New Montreal States, leaves the Warriors on top of their group going into their match against Crystilakere. What do you expect to see in that match?

LS: I expect we'll see another well-played, very even match. The Warriors may have issued the wake-up call to the entire WC in this match, so you can expect Crystilakere isn't going to take them lightly.

DT: We may even see the impossible...the Warriors could potentially wrap-up a berth in the second round with another upset and a draw in the Rejistania/NMS match. Even a draw would leave the Warriors in excellent position going into their match against NMS. However, the Warriors certainly aren't looking that far ahead; they're focused on Crystilakere. It's not going to be easy to pull off back-to-back upsets at this stage of the WC, especially when it's one as shocking as this one, but the Warriors may be the team to do it.

JC: We'll be back with you next time when the Warriors take on Crystilakere in potentially the biggest match in Praying2God's history. Even bigger than when the Praying2God national basketball team defeated Liverpool England to win the WC of Basketball II. For David Tall and Lisa Simonson, I'm John Carlson. Good night, everybody.

All over Wentland television screens were tuned into the live coverage of the Swifts' World Cup Finals debut against Squornshelous. It was the television event of the century, no-one had really expected this to happen and no-one wanted to miss it now it was happening.

After the credits, Davey Richards introduced the show. "What you've all been waiting for...Wentland make their World Cup bow. Live from th-"

Then the screens across the country went blank.

"AUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! SWITCH IT ON!!!!!"

What was happening? At this moment of all moments, the country was in the dark...

Another Own Goal!
Episode 13: Tartini Magic Not Enough

Once again Mr. Couch Person is slumped in front of the TV, only now he’s in a plush hotel room. The curtains are still drawn though, and it’s still pretty dark.

“…the Zucchinis still have a chance here, they’re within a goal…they have possession here…and the cross from goal-scorer Tartini is headed away by Skoropadski…it’s laid up by Zuhurov to the feet of Mirdan who puts a brilliant ball over the Zucchini defence…it’s Pliiev and Brugghen who give chase…Pliiev gets the initial touch…and that’s a brilliant second touch to bring the ball under the outstretched arms of Laredo and into the goal for Tadjikistan’s third…he took it so quickly, Laredo really couldn’t see it coming…it’s game over for the Zucchinis after that goal…”

To be continued…


Giant Zucchini’s Department of Number Crunching and Data Spewing presents:

Match stats:

Tadjikistan – 3
Salenko (21, 69), Pliiev (81)

Giant Zucchini – 1
Tartini (41)

Yellow Cards:
Laredo (16)
Nuvolari (19)
Bardi (37)


Giant Zucchini stats:

Top Goalscorers:
Johann Rilke – 5
Fra di ser Tartini - 3
Absamat Chekhov – 2
Armand Boyer – 2
Gottlieb Poulsen – 2
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Mikhail Glinka – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1
Boudewijn Brugghen – 1

Yellow Cards:
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Domingo Ferrero – 1
Armand Boyer – 1
Gottlieb Poulsen – 1
Bobby Laredo – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1

Red Cards:
Mikhail Glinka – 1

Tigers eat Vegetables
But prefer real human flesh

A 'group of death' is what some experts from other nations called it, where anything is possible, well except Giant Zucchini's qualification which has much to do with their low ranking in this group. One journalist from the Island of Qutar even believed Giant Zucchini could stop us from moving on, placing us on the third spot. And while we do not doubt the Zucchini's could still play an important role in the group stage, they wont be the ones stopping Tadjikistan.

For the Tigers these are the easiest three points in the group stage and seeing the Zucchini's are an offensive team, they decided to add an extra defender to their own team: Andrei Morganin, an old veteran and captain of Vaksh Qorgontheppa, a team from Tadjikistans domestic league. Morganins task was simple, keep the Zucchini's out of the Tadjik rear. He himself guarded the man the Tigers had to fear most, Johann Rilke.Morganin used his experience as 34-year old to counter the young Rilke, who is talented but also quite young.

The Tigers surged forward under the leadership of Michael Pliiev. They were constantly looking for an opportunity to score, mostly over the flanks. In most cases however, the Zucchini's were able to stop them and the first Tadjik goal was made through a cornershot in the 21th minute. And while Morganin was able to keep Rilke out of the game, he could not stop Giant Zucchini's Fra di ser Tartini from getting past the Tadjik defenders in a brilliant move and beating Daniel Gurchev in the last meters.

When the second half started, all options were still open. Although the Tadjiks had been that good in finishing off what they started and the Zucchini's had given everyone the impression that they were the stronger side. And thats where the two Sadirov brothers come in, the coaching brothers fueled their team up for a better second half and while they started slow, the Tigers soon switched to a higher gear. In the 69th minute they had reached topspeed, Pliiev and Zuhurov launched Salenko, the latter scored with a shot in the lower right corner of the Zucchini box.
Giant Zucchini was not about to give up yet and they gave the Tigers a hard time, the only that stood between the Zucchini's and a second goal was Daniel Gurchev who kept his nets clean with the help of his defenders.
The game ended for the Zucchini's when Pliiev outran Brugghen and kicked an assist from Zuhurov into the Zucchini box under Laredo's arms. Pliiev had to start his move from behind Brugghen to avoid offside, but he was fast enough to make up for that disadvantage.

It was brilliantly played, especially the second half. It counts as an important test for the two upcoming matches, first against Krytenia, the side that knocked the Tadjiks out of the 1/16th finals of WC24, though the Tadjiks have an excuse for that one(It was in Krytenia). The Tigers will have the opportunity to take revenge and possibly consolidate their position. Offcourse we'll have to see the result from Commerce Heights-Krytenia first.


Tadjikistan -3
Salenko '21, '69, Pliiev '81
Giant Zucchini -1
Fra di ser Tartini '41


Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Race City W 3-0
MD2: Artoonia - Tadjikistan D 1-1
MD3: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 3-1
MD4: Jeruselem - Tadjikistan W 2-5
MD5: McPsychoville - Tadjikistan W 0-4
MD6: Tadjikistan - Milchama W 4-1
MD7: /
MD8: Race City - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD9: Tadjikistan - Artoonia W 4-1
MD10:Rordia - Tadjikistan L 3-0
MD11:Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 4-2
MD12:Tadjikistan - McPsychoville W 2-0
MD13:Milchama - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD14:/
---------------------World Cup 26 Group Stage----------------------------------
MD1: Tadjikistan - Giant Zucchini W 3-1
MD2: Tadjikistan - Krytenia
MD3: Tadjikistan - Commerce Heights
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tadjik goalscorers:
Salenko - 14
Saradov - 6
Zuhurov - 4
Pliiev - 4
Mirdan - 2
Ashurov - 2
Kornilov - 1
Gurchev - 1
Solehbayev - 1

OOC: where are these scores coming from?

thsd:NEWS

Sokojito Übergoals
by Rami Niblick in Sokojito Dosi

WHAT a way to christen the Überdome. Commerce Heights' brand new, 400,000-plus seater stadium, saw nine goals and a feast of football as the host nation squeaked a five-four thriller.

It was the host nation who started more positively. The Capitalizts' midfield trio contained Terezzi, Kader, and Pedroso well, but to start with the Krytenian defence held firm. The surprise, however, that this period of pressure ended with a goal for the Aces. Route One was employed as Barcali launched a high ball straight to Gabriel Kennedy; his nod-on put Robin Spivey through, and Davis Teel was left with no chance as the Mercia Bromham striker put Krytenia in front.

The game turned on its head at that point - for a while, at least. The men in sky blue and navy came at Commerce Heights, and with inevitability, one became two. Su-Hwan Son was guilty of scything down Kevin Keda in the box (for which he received only a yellow card), and Kennedy slotted home from the spot.

Never count out the Heights, though. Heads stayed up, and within five minutes, they were back to one goal down as Glen Head lofted a Simetrias Phanes through-ball over Barcali and into the net. Head then used his, well, head to put the home team level on thirty-six minutes from a corner. And, just to add further salt to the wound, it became a Head hat-trick in first half injury time - the striker catching Cameron Stevenson napping before stroking home.

Anyone thinking that Commerce Heights had this game won, though, forgot that football truly is a game of many twists. The Aces took just seven minutes to level the game at three-all, as Kennedy poached his second in a goalmouth scramble. Three was to become four barely a few minutes later as Kennedy, like Head, completed his hat-trick with a header, this time from an in-swinging free kick from sub Curtis Bains.

More twists, more goals, and this time it was the Capitalizts' turn to slot from the spot. Stevenson was pulled up for a professional foul on Papadopoulos Anastasios, and rightly sent off, and it was Anastasios himself who scored from the spot. No fan, be they home, travelling, or neutral, could believe what they were seeing - four-four!

And so, to the final twist, and the cruellest of the lot, as a tricky Zachary Beland cross was turned past his own keeper by Vernon Polyakh just a minute from time. No pints, somehow, after all that, but the neutrals will be flocking to the Überdome on Matchday Two as the Aces meet Tadjikistan, fresh from two exciting friendlies and that famous WCXXIV match.

COMMERCE HEIGHTS - 5
Head 26, 36, 45+1
Anastasios 78 (pen)
Polyakh (o.g.) 89

KRYTENIA - 4
Spivey 17
Kennedy 21 (pen), 52, 63

SCORERS
G. Kennedy - 11
R. Spivey - 8
C. Blannix - 2
K. Keda - 2
A. Pedroso - 2
J. Jaffacake-Phillips - 1
C. Stevenson - 1
J. Terezzi - 1

SCHEDULE:
MD1: H v FBR W 6-0 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD2: A v NVO W 2-1
MD3: H v SPA W 4-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham, CP)
MD4: A v HCN W 2-1
MD5: A v FSX W 2-0
MD6: H v WEE D 2-2 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD7: BYE - NO GAME
MD8: A v FBR D 3-3
MD9: H v NVO D 0-0 (Lays Road Ground, Leston, LS)
MD10: A v SPA L 1-2
MD11: H v HCN L 0-1 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD12: H v FSX W 2-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson, OU)
MD13: A v WEE L 0-3
MD14: BYE - NO GAME

R1M1: A v COM L 4-5 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M2: N v TDJ ????? (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M3: N v GZU ????? (Capitalizm, Yupo, COM)

this sounds stupid but where are the group stage scores being posted!!!:confused:

For now you only have the score from your match, you get the group standings tomorrow.

OLIVERRY -- The holdout continues, as Kazoo fans continue to wait outside Jean Angleton Garden with bated breath, with the hopes of seeing their first World Cup match in Kazoo history.

"I've been waiting fifty-four years for this moment, and we're told we have to wait even longer? Outrageous!" said one fan ouside the gate.

"Um, sir, you're only twenty-one."

"Um... HEY! Look over there!" said the fan, pointing behind our shoulder.

We turn to look, only to see nothing. "What are you talking about? I don't see anything," we said, turning around to find no one standing there anymore.

Local crazy person Donald McRonald said, "Well, this is the fourth day I've spent outside this here stadium, and for what? Disappointment! It was supposed to be Monday, but nope! We gave them an extra day to sort things out, but nope! 'That's not until later' they said. We gave them Wednesday. 'Power outage' they said. Now it's Thursday -- what excuse will they give us today? That they can't find their keys to the stadium?"

An Oliverrian official walked up to the gates, his hands fumbling in his pockets.

"Where did my keys go?"

Donald McRonald stared, then said, "Unbelievable."

The Oliverrian government is offering a reward to anyone who can give the location of the keys that will open Jean Angleton Stadium. Officials said the keys are "made of metal, and look like any other key, really." It has been suggested that the lock to the stadium be changed to a combination lock, or some other device that would prevent this from happening again. Critics of the plan wonder, "what if the person has amnesia?" To which, proponents answered, "then we're screwed."

The Oliverrian crisis continues... when will the game be played?

As it appears, not for a while.

For now you only have the score from your match, you get the group standings tomorrow.
Haven't even got that yet...

The major debate amongst philosophers boycotting television coverage was whether there was a game at all.

"Of course there is not. It is unperceived therefore illusory."

"Alternatively, it exists in a strange state between dream and reality, where any score is as valid as any other."

"OK, we won 9-0 and are top of the group?"

"But we cannot demonstrate the game. It exists away from understanding. It has happened, we merely cannot contemplate it. The score is irrelevant."

"Do we want to win anyway? Winning is a bourgeois affectation to oppress the proletariat."

"No, it justifies the omniverse, winners are diametrically opposed to losers, yin and yang, Laverne and Shirley, Mark and Lard."

"We can make up our own group. It is as valid as any other. Let's call one team, say, England..."

"Stupid name..."

"...and another one Sweden. And some other names, how about Paraguay? One more?"

"Trinidad! Tobago!"

"Oh, let's have both."

"No, you've gone too far with that nonsense. How sad to create a random group of made-up names? Pah."

The major debate amongst philosophers boycotting television coverage was whether there was a game at all.

"Of course there is not. It is unperceived therefore illusory."

"Alternatively, it exists in a strange state between dream and reality, where any score is as valid as any other."

"OK, we won 9-0 and are top of the group?"

"But we cannot demonstrate the game. It exists away from understanding. It has happened, we merely cannot contemplate it. The score is irrelevant."


Recent debates among Wentland philosophers have the potential for causing misunderstanding over the nature of the WC27 Archregimancy/New Montreal States co-hosting bid.

The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy and the Monastic Football Association wish to stress that even though the Dreamed Realm is a 'strange state between dream and reality', visiting supporters will be able to directly experience all games in the Archregimancy and that all visiting supporters will experience the same game with the same score. Furthermore, those same supporters will be able to simultaneously observe the motion of the players and know where they are on the pitch. Though since the referee controls the clock, they won't be able to simultaneously observe the match and know how much time remains to be played.

Matchday 1 scores for groups A–D (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10393041&postcount=15) have been posted. Scores for groups E–H have been telegrammed.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Skating on Thin Ice
Scoreless at Stade Francais

In a match that can only be described as dire, the 'slaves and the Canucks played out a nil-nil draw to get both teams' World Cup 26 campaigns off to a whimper.

The Hockey Canadians set out to be negative from the off, neutralising the 'slaves three-pronged attack of Vitalis, Polsson and Fiori with seven defenders. Thats right, seven. The septet of Perrault, Sylanko, Cormack, Johnson, McKormick, Zimmin and Scotch had more than enough composure and stability at the back to deal with a series of ineffectual and idealess Audioslavian attacks.

In all the first half yielded just one shot on goal for both teams, with Vitalis hitting a long-range effort straight into Kyle Thomas' arms, while at the other end a rare Hockey Canada counter-attack saw Mike Ko fluff a shot from eight yards out with Yevgeny Smashnov traling in his wake. The second half saw the 'slaves make an incredibly attacking shift in formation by the team's usual reserved standards. Striker Jari Saikkonen came on for defensive midfielder Jackie Burns. With Seb Fiori and Nikki Polsson moving up as outside forwards, the 'slaves embarked on a 4-2-4 formation which hoped to probe deep into the Hockey Canada side.

For the first quarter of an hour of the second half, the ploy didn't work, as the Hockey Canadians controlled posession and sent what few attacking players they had on a brace of attacks which saw Ciakhinisen's cross-bar rattled on sixty minutes from a fierce Ko shot. As time went by however, the 'slaves started fuelling their strike force and coming close themselves, setting the scene for the last ten minutes where they battered a tiring Hockey Canada defence. Vitalis would waste the 'slaves best opportunity, powering a header wide from close range, before Sebastian Fiori rippled the Hockey Canada net with a close-range finish, only to see his effort ruled offside.

After three minutes of injury time it was more than apparent that the game would end it stalemate. Hockey Canada began a fast counter-attack with the 'slaves all over the place and clambering back for position, but the referee blew his whistle and ended the game.

The 0-0 scoreline gets both sides off the mark but will leave them with ground to catch up should Total 'n Utter Insanity dispatch the Cataduanes tonight as expected.

IBJJ,G'NB

The Schiavone Scribe
LIV ENG LET DIE
Liverpool England 0-1 Schiavonia

Oh dear. Who let Michael Ford onto the Oliverrian beer?

"Paul Dussis, Caddy Cannon, SyLy! Where are you now? Your boys took one hell of a beating!" he told interviewers after the game, before being embarrasedly bundled off by the rest of the SFF.

Yes, the same Michael Ford who has brought shame upon the nation of Schiavonia time and again at the times when the rest of the nation is trying to celebrate their nationality has done it yet again.

For the information of Mr Ford, Messers Dussis and Cannon are sadly no longer with us, and haven't been for some time. And we'd like it if you kept any personal vendcetta against Mr SyLy to yourself, not in public and in the name of Schiavonia and King Francesco.

Mr Ford aside, though, Schiavonia was a place of celebration yet again last night. And that was before the game agianst World Cup 24 winners Liverpool England had even as much as kicked off. In the stadium in Oliverry, the Orange and Scarlet corner was just an area of people leaping around like they were at a party, not a football match, with their singing, flag waving, dancing and just general happiness just to be there.

But it seemed as if the Liverpool England expected as much from the Sloths as the many of the sloths own fans did, and appeared to be in cruice control for much of the match, despite seemingly failing to remember that they hadn't actually scored a goal.

Then, BANG! with eight minutes of the game left, Tony Tarmey stole the ball from Nathan Oberg, ran around Adam Carrero and rolled the ball into the empty net. Complacency cost the former champs, and they didn't have long to fight back.

The Terminators went for it, and a game that had started off as 4-4-2 against 4-3-3 finished 3-4-3 against 5-4-1, as Schiavonia sat back, Filipo Schiavone magically turned into a midfield hardman, and by the end, the Terminators had somehow been Terminated!

Still, capitulations await for the sloths against Spruitland and Fmjphoenix, but our moment of glory in fromt of the eyes of the entire sporting world... well, it was fun, wasn't it?

Team
Liverpool England: Carrero; Thompson, Lacey, Hauser, Oberg (Hairston [85 min]); Taliaferro, Harley, Weatherly (Otte [85 min]), Osborne; Sunderland, Langer (Gervais [83 min]).
Schiavonia: Kershaw; O'Kane, Park, Marsden, Smith; Sanderson (Payne [86 min]), Jones, Weir; Topp (Moore [83 min]), McAndrew (Schiavone [72 min]), Tarmey.


Final score
Liverpool England 0
Schiavonia 1 (Tarmey 82)

Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 1 1 0 0 3 1 3 +2
2. Schiavonia 1 1 0 0 1 0 3 +1
3. Liverpool England 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 -1
4. Spruitland 1 0 0 1 1 3 0 -2

CoH SEARCH CONTINUES (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=466804)

Despite reports to the contrary, the Eighteenth Cup of Harmony, to be held in Schiavonia and Milchama, is not yet full.

Rumours thought to have started in Milchama were that the signing up of The Lowland Clans and Hiiraan took the number of participating nations to 32. However, neither had signed up at that point in time, and despite the inclusion of teams from TLC, Spaam and The Weegies since then, Hiiraan still haven't signed up and a place remains open for one of the remaining seven teams on the invite list for a further thirteen hours as of writing.

If another team hasn't signed up by then, it will be down to the hosts' discression as to how long the tournament waits for a thirty-second team*.

* - That would be a 32nd team, not a team that lasts for half a minute.

Nolan keeps rolling, rolls over Spruitland in first match of the World Cup

Mike Nolan dominated in the qualifying round, ammasing an amazing 27 goals in 12 matches, averaging an unpredicented 2.25 goals per match. He again raised his average, netting his 7th hattrick of the entire competition, providing all the goals needed to down Spruitland 3-1.

The match was played in Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche in front of a sold out crowd. There were several thousand Viking fans in attendence to see the marvel that is Mike Nolan. The first half of the match was mostly a possession battle, as possession kept going back and forth, with both squads getting a goal early on. Nolan scoring his first in the 16th minute while Dirk Jools countered with an equalizer in the 24th minute. Spruitland challenged hard in the closing minutes of the first half, but Jools final shot was tipped out of play by Powell Lamar. The second half did not bear Spruitland to well though, as Nolan put Fmjphoenix up 2-1 very quickly, 3 minutes after the start of the second half. He darted past Nico Van Dyck, recieved a beautiful cross from Andrew Jenkins, and headed the ball into the upper-left corner, right before Simon Briers's hand passed through where the ball was. After that goal, Spruitland had several chances to even the match up, but Powell Lamar kept solid and cleared each challenge, making an unbelievable one-handed grab to end the threat. With the clock winding down though and the Vikings pressing, it seemed a good opportunity to close the match away. Nolan did just that with a powerful shot to the right of the net that Briers had no chance to get to, tallying the score at 3-1. And there it would end, as Spruitland was unable to advance close enough to get a good shot off.

Next matchup is against Shiavonia, who pulled of a great upset, topping over Liverpool England 1-0 to make things interesting in Group F. Time to go to the Dôme de Saint-François, where the Vikings will play their final two matches of the group stage.

Fmjphoenix 3 - 1 Spruitland
Nolan (16, 48, 88) - Jools (18)


Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 1 1 0 0 3 1 3 +2
2. Schiavonia 1 1 0 0 1 0 3 +1
3. Liverpool England 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 -1
4. Spruitland 1 0 0 1 1 3 0 -2

Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD15: Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland 3-1 Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia ?-? Dôme de Saint-François
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England ?-? Dôme de Saint-François
Record: 11-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 30
B. Dougood - 5
S. Ijanaeil - 2
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1

SyLy, Gareth Dussis to press charges
SyLy says he will not drop charges at any cost this time

An FALE lawyer walked out of the building at FALE headquarters shortly after broadcast over Schiavone TV of the Terminators' shock 1-0 defeat to Schiavonia, and released a statement to the waiting press.

"FALE Chairman Syku Lyku and ex-Chairman Gareth Dussis have announced that they will, through the FALE, press charges against Schiavone Football Federation President Michael Ford. Syku Lyku is pressing charges on harassment, following his previous run-in with Mr. Ford, and has expressed a desire to not drop charges at any cost. Mr. Dussis is filing for defamation on his father's name. Caddy Cannon's granddaughter, Rose Michelle Cannon, has also approached the FALE legal team for advice, and information on a possible third charge against Mr. Ford from the Cannon family will come at a later date."

In the match, a late winner from Tony Tarmey after Nathan Oberg showed too much of the ball to Tarney sealed the match with eight minutes on the clock.

Ratings
Liverpool England: Carrero 7; Thompson 6, Lacey 6, Hauser 7.5, Oberg 4 (Hairston [85 min] 6); Taliaferro 7, Harley 8 {Liverpool England LivEng Airways Man of the Match}, Weatherly 6 (Otte [85 min] 5), Osborne 7; Sunderland 5, Langer 5 (Gervais [83 min] 6).

Schiavonia: Kershaw 8; O'Kane 7.5, Park 6.5, Marsden 7, Smith 8; Sanderson 6 (Payne [86 min] 5.5), Jones 6.5, Weir 7; Topp 8 (Moore [83 min] 6), McAndrew 4.5 (Schiavone [72 min] 7), Tarmey 9 {Schiavonia LivEng Airways Man of the Match}.

Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 1 1 0 0 3 1 3 +2
2. Schiavonia 1 1 0 0 1 0 3 +1
3. Liverpool England 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 -1
4. Spruitland 1 0 0 1 1 3 0 -2

Squornshelous Pass The First Test

Pschychoes finish 2-0-1 against the Swifts this Cup
Squornshelous managed a win in a much close match than either of the other two meetings between us and Wentland. The first time, the match exhibited a veteran side coming off a third place finish in one of the most succesful World Cup runs of their history and a new team, playing on the international stage for the first time. They played like that too, and Squornshelous walked away with a hige 5-0 win to start off qualifying. The second match, starting the second half of qualifying featured a top team on top of their group with the cruise control activated and a young team that had learned all the right lessons from their mistakes and successes in the first half of qualifying, and Wentland took the match to the tune of 3-1. Now, each team knew exactly what they were playing against, Wentland knew what World Cup football was all about, and Squornshelous recognized that the team they faced was much better than their ranking. In the end, with mental preparation pretty much a non factor, it was the skill and endurance of the Pschychoes that told. With the match winding down at 1-1 after early goals for each side, the depth of the Squornshelous roster began to tell. With the fast pace and physical play, both sides had made two substitutions through the first half, with Squornshelous putting in Franz Peterson and Jeff Harris in midfield for Goran Syvatov, who had taken a hard challenge earlier and was now favoring his left leg slightly, and Anton Margolis. As it turned out, they combined for the winning goal. Harris was controlling the ball from his defensive midfield position, and passed left and forward for Kumar Nesfield. Nesfield took the ball to the outside, then sent it forward the Mostafa Ogbadan, who immediately passed backward to Kryztoff Markanen. Markanen dribbled quickly up the middle, drawing two defenders to him, and then sent the ball quickly to Franz Peterson. Peterson recieved the pass, darted forward to the corner of the box and crossed quickly into the penalty area, where Franz Persson met the ball perfectly putting it in. Half of the crowd went absolutely wild, as now, with scarcely five minutes to play, Squornshelous were leading by one on a goal that somehow involved every member of the attack.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-1 Wentland

OLIVERRY -- The Kazoos dropped their first-ever World Cup Finals game today, as they lost to co-host Oliverry 1-0 earlier today at Jean Angleton Garden.

The crises which prevented any fans from entering the stadium was the loss of the key of the stadium gates, a power outage, and top officials of Oliverry forgetting the match was today. These were all overcome however, as the match was finally played on Thursday.

And as for the infamous key crisis which prevented fans from entering on Wednesday? Reports have shown that the keeper of the key had accidentally left the key in the pocket of a pair of pants, and then had the pants washed. The key was unharmed, allowing the match to go on as planned today.

Oliverry proved to be an average football team, but their fans really helped them out when they needed it most, as Oliverry scored at minute 18, and never looked back.

The ball went back and forth with no significant changes through the first 15 minutes. Then, at minute 16, momentum started to move in Oliverry's favor.

"Regnier is taking it up the field, passes it in space over to Bourget. Bourget has nowhere to go, a defender coming right at him, OOH! nearly gets drilled there, but Bourget gives it up to Daigle who SHOOTS! Off the post, can it be recovered by Johnson? NOOOO! Recovered by Auguste, who taps it in for the easy goal. 1-0 Oliverry."

However, it should be noted that it wasn't superior defense that held the Kazoos, but rather, a consistent offense that refused to quit, keeping the defenders busy, and Jim Johnson out of breath.

"Eh, I really didn't expect much," said Mike Sweeny, "The fact that we held them to only one goal really says something about our team. We have a great squad, and we hope to take home at least a point between our next two games."

The loss marks just the fifth loss in Kazoo world football history. The Kazoos overall record is 8-8-5. Considering that the Kazoos were literally unheard of just a few short months ago is simply amazing.

"I'm real proud of our boys," said Manni Aka, Coach of the national squad, "I hope we can get at least a draw in our next two matches. It'd be nice if we managed to scrape together a draw with top-seeded Sarzonia, but that's a long shot. A draw with Lovisa would be nice though."

The Kazoos play number one in the world Sarzonia tomorrow.

Group standings are unknown, as the Sarzonia-Lovisa match was not available at press time. But we do know this: the Kazoos are, at best, third place.

Kazoos progress in WC26:

MD1: loss to Casari 1-0, away
MD2: draw with Turori 1-1, home
MD3: win over Hiiraan 3-1, home
MD4: OFF
MD5: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, home
MD6: draw with Rolatia 2-2, home
MD7: win over Swilatia 3-0, away
---
MD8: draw with Casari 0-0, home
MD9: draw with Turori 2-2, away
MD10: draw with Hiiraan 1-1, away
MD11: Friendly: loss to Schiavonia 2-0, home
MD12: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, away
MD13: loss to Rolatia 2-1, away
MD14: win over Swilatia 3-1, home
MD15: loss to Oliverry 1-0, Jean Angleton Garden, Oliverry
MD16: vs Sarzonia at Jean Angledton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
MD17: vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale

SCHEDULE, RESULTS:

Qualifying:
Matchday 1:

HOME AWAY
Turori 4:0 Rolatia
Casari 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 2:1 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 2:

HOME AWAY
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:0 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 3:

HOME AWAY
Turori 3:3 Swilatia
Casari 1:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 3:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 4:

HOME AWAY
Casari 1:1 Turori
Hiiraan 3:2 Yafor 2
Rolatia 0:0 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples does not play

Matchday 5:

HOME AWAY
Hiiraan 5:2 Turori
Rolatia 0:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 6:

HOME AWAY
Turori 0:0 Yafor 2
Swilatia 4:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 7:

HOME AWAY
Casari 5:3 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:1 Rolatia
Swilatia 0:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play

Matchday 8:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Rolatia
Casari 0:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 0:0 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 9:

AWAY HOME
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:1 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 10:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:2 Swilatia
Casari 0:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 11:

AWAY HOME
Casari 1:3 Turori
Hiiraan 3:1 Yafor 2
Rolatia 2:2 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples do not play a World Cup 26 game today,
but they have a friendly:
Schiavonia 2:0 Kazoo Peoples, at Kazoo City Kola Stadium

Matchday 12:

AWAY HOME
Hiiraan 1:2 Turori
Rolatia 1:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 13:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Yafor 2
Swilatia 2:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 1:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 14:

AWAY HOME
Casari 2:1 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:2 Rolatia
Swilatia 1:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play
---
World Cup Finals
Matchday 1 (15):
Oliverry 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 2 (16):
Oliverry vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia vs The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 3 (17):
Oliverry vs Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Lovisa vs The Kazoo Peoples at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

STANDINGS:
Group H Pl W D L GF:GA Pts GD
1. Oliverry 1 1 0 0 1:0 3 +1
Sarzonia 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0
Lovisa 0 0 0 0 0:0 0 0
4. The Kazoo Peoples 1 0 0 1 0:1 0 -1

Stars shake off layoff, tame Lions 3-2

Once upon a time, the Lovisa Lions were a nemesis for the Sarzonian national football team. They were the team that officially struck the midnight hour for Sarzonia's Cinderfella hopes in their first-ever World Cup. They were the team that Sarzonia couldn't defeat in their first four tries as a club on the rise in World Cup football.

Those days have long since passed. Sarzonia defeated Lovisa for the third consecutive time, though a late Lions rally made things tense at the very end and goalkeeper Horace Sandt preserved the Stars' 3-2 win in the World Cup finals opener for both teams and the return to the Stars bench of Dave Wilson.

"I don't think I was this nervous the first time I was coaching here," Wilson said at the postgame news conference. "Back then, I was focused more on trying to keep everything together emotionally for the team after Bryan died. I didn't have time to think about my first match as a national team coach. This time, it's like I'm trying to prove myself all over again."

Unlike Wilson's first-ever coaching job with the Stars, this time Wilson is a known commodity. He took the Stars to a Cup of Harmony title after World Cup XVIII, still the only time he missed the World Cup finals with Sarzonia, and his World Cup XXII side set a finals record for the widest margin of victory, 4-0 to Oaker Sharks. He also guided Hypocria Hyppos to the AOCAF XI title, defeating Sarzonia in the final 2-1 after extra time.

"We couldn't really change a thing about how we were playing," midfielder Jenna Raven said. "Dave Wilson expects the same things from us Barry Owens did. If not more."

Sarzonia for their part raced to a 3-1 lead courtesy largely of Raven. She darted through the bewildered Lions midfield and assisted on the Brian Wilson marker in the 16th minute that drew first blood in the match. She ran onto Kevin Wilson's cross in the 40th minute to extend the Stars lead to 2-0.

Poor defensive coverage by veteran defender Mike Coyle led to Lovisa's first marker just before first half injury time expired, but it seemed to only give Dave Wilson something to chide his team about at the break. The Stars played with a renewed purpose at the second half kickoff and looked to put the match away for good as Coyle blasted a free kick that sailed into the top right corner of the goal and a seemingly insurmountable 3-1 lead at the 51 minute mark. But Lovisa were not done, scoring five minutes later to make the score 3-2 and pressing forward in a desperate effort to steal two well-deserved points from Sarzonia.

But that flurry meant it was Sandt's time to shine. He parried away three consecutive Lions bids, including two from point blank range at the 77 minute mark that seemed to spell the end for Lovisa. When the final whistle sounded, Lovisa outshot Sarzonia 19-18, including 10 shots on goal to Sarzonia's eight. But the only stat that Dave Wilson cared about went Sarzonia's way: the 3:2 scoreline.

"We got three points in our first World Cup match and that's something we didn't do last time out," he said. "That doesn't mean the pressure's off by any stretch, but winning the first match makes things a little easier."

The vox pops on the Wentland News were a bit downbeat.

"Gutted. Absolutely gutted. Five minutes from a result."

"Hey, we scored...great goal by Morgs."

"So near yet so far..."

The coaching team now had to pick up the players for the second match. Surprisingly enough they didn't bother. "We know what to expect from the ground, lads," said Bluff. "We've looked at the videos of the Oaker team. So let's just go out and enjoy ourselves."

The delights of Oliverry were there for all to enjoy...so long as they were sensible...only when reports came in of Joe Weston visiting the dentist and him coming back somewhat over-anaesthetized did Bluff decide to crack down a little. "Fined one guinea. And made to wear the Wanker shirt in the next session."

It was only as the team was changing into their change kit of grey that they realized the task before them. Another World Cup veteran team. The only hope was that after the gallant showing against last time's semi-finalists that a point was not out of the question.

Sokojito Überdome, 소코지토 도시, 소코 (Sokojito Dosi, SK)

Brettschneider: After what seems like the longest commercial break in the history of Aeropag Tribune Media, we’re back at the sold-out Sokojito Überdome, where in just a few minutes, we’ll be watching the first international match played at the new stadium.

Moré: It seems like it’s been days—the network just keeps making longer breaks in order to stay out of financial trouble—but you were telling us your predictions for the Cup, right?

Brettschneider: Yep, that’s right, Boris.

Moré: So, don’t keep us all waiting—will the Capitalizts be able to deal with Audioslavia in the third-place playoff?

Brettschneider: Not even close. I’m predicting that their incredible run will come to a screeching halt at the Dôme de Saint-François to the tune of 0–6.

Moré: But they’ve never even lost by—

Brettschneider: They’ve never hosted the Cup before, either. They’ve never been ranked higher than third in the world—and not even that high just after they won World Cup 15—they’ve never won by more than 6 goals, they’ve never beaten Bedistan. Things change. After all, it was just a couple Cups ago when they’d never beaten a top-ranked team—until a 1–0 win over then defending champions Rejistania.

Moré: I see your point, but six-nil still seems a bit farfetched. Anyway, what have you got for us in the final? Any penalty-kick drama?

Brettschneider: No, just two great teams, another “transatlantic” matchup, and another “British” win. Starblaydia will join the élite group of back-to-back champions after a 1–2 deficit in the 80th minute, coming back to beat Fmjphoenix 3–2.

Moré: Sounds like a great match! I just wish it were real…

Brettschneider: We’ll see. Anyway, it looks like we’re about to start another great match between the twenty-ninth ranked Commerce Heights Capitalizts and tenth-ranked Krytenia Aces. Live from the Sokojito Überdome, you’re watching Aeropag Tribune Media’s exclusive coverage of World Cup 26 Football.

17th minute

Moré: It’s been a slow start so far—the Capitalizt midfield is doing very well in stopping any chances for the Aces, though they aren’t getting any chances, either.

Brettschneider: They’re playing like Rejistanians—it’s horrible!

Moré: James Barcali calmly collects the loose ball for the Aces…and he sends it soaring! Be glad the Überdome has a high ceiling! It’s coming down just outside the penalty area…Kennedy heads it to Spivey, who…SCORES! Krytenia up one-nil!

Brettschneider: Just what I was afraid of—after their failure to qualify for World Cup 25, they’re way out of their depth in this Cup. Even with home advantage.

Moré: Hey, there’s still a lot of time left. It remains to be seen if they can pull off the upset.

21st minute

Moré: Kevin Keda is making quite a run straight down the middle of this Capitalizt backfield…손 (Son) fouls him in his attempt to stop the inevitable goal! It’s a penalty kick for the Aces!

Brettschneider: The Lovisan referee wants a nice incomprehensible chat with 손…he pulls out a yellow card!

Moré: He must have had trouble reading the rule book—that didn’t look serious enough to deserve a card, did it?

Brettschneider: Not at all. And if this penalty kick is the deciding factor, I think there’ll be at least four hundred thousand, five hundred and fifty-two people after his head for that call.

Moré: Gabriel Kennedy steps back to take the kick…it’s in! Krytenia up two-nil!

Brettschneider: This is turning into a disaster for the Capitalizts. They’re going to need some momentum, fast, if they want to walk away with points.

26th minute
Moré: —Remember, you can catch a sneak preview of next week’s episode of Magical Camera of RP at aeropagtribune.com.

Brettschneider: I hear it’s going to be a good one—what’s the rumor, they’re bringing Alan Belmore back?

Moré: Yeah, I heard that rumor as well. I really hope they do it—the show just hasn’t been the same without him. Alan Belmore has been such a poor substitute. Maybe they could have cast Alan Belmore inst—

Brettschneider: Speaking of which, Capitalizt football just wouldn’t be the same without attacks—and we’ve got one now! Glen Head down the right side…GOAL! The Capitalizts pull one back! They’re in the game again!

36th minute

Brettschneider: It looks like after the momentary excitement of the Glen Head goal—so brief that Boris here didn’t even notice it—we’re back into the Karelan rhythm we started out with.

Moré: Then I’d like to take a moment to remind you all that your local C4™ SuperStore™ is open twenty-four hours a day, whether you’re walking down Skegoniel Avenue or stranded in the Rista Lokato highlands. All the manufactured goods you need—and then some—in one convenient loc—

Brettschneider: Beland sends the ball downfield to Glen Head! He takes it down the right—this looks like a replay of ten minutes ago! HE SCORES AGAIN! The Capitalizts draw level!

Moré: Huh? What happened?

Brettschneider: We came back to the game after two slani days of commercials, you don’t need to advertise more!

Moré: Oh, right. The Capitalizts are tied now?

Brettschneider: Well, that’s what the slani scoreboard says…if you were watching the game, which is your first priority, you’d know that that’s correct.

Moré: Sorry. Now, where were we?

Brettschneider: If you can’t say anything intelligent, can’t you just shut your han-hi-len-ly mer'slani mouth and watch the game?

45th minute

Moré: —and this first half is about to come to a close, brought to you by the CHEAT Alliance, the nation’s leader across the board in engineering. And speaking of boards, the fourth official has one—we’re going to have two minutes of injury time.

Brettschneider: “Fourth official” is a boring term, wouldn’t you agree? I bet someone at Harder & Harder Consulting could come up with a more marketable name, or at least design a more æsthetically pleasing numbers boa—

Moré: Gretschmann sends the ball down the left side to Marx, who cross-passes to Head, who’s position to pull off the same slani trick for a third time—HE DOES! Glen Head with the Rejistanian hat-trick! Commerce Heights up 3–2!

Brettschneider: Well, it’s been good while it lasted, but I bet Krytenia can come up with a way to plug that hole during halftime. Don’t worry, the déjà vu you’re experiencing should go away shortly.

Moré: You sound rather sure of yourself—they’ve made the same slani mistake three times, why not a fourth?

Brettschneider: Because that’d be very un-Karel—uncharacteristic of Krytenia’s superb defense.

Moré: Did you just say the k-word? On worldwide television?

Brettschneider: No, what the slani hell are you talking about?

Moré: Never mind. The referee blows the whistle on the first half. Your score here at halftime at the Sokojito Überdome: Commerce Heights 3, Krytenia 2.

Halftime

Moré: Well, now that they’ve got the slani microphones off of us, we can have a little chat about what you said.

Brettschneider: I didn’t say anyth—

Moré: You admitted to being a Karelan sympathizer.

Brettschneider: I’m not a slani sympathizer! You know me better than that…

Moré: Alright, forget I mentioned it.

Brettschneider: I’ll probably do that in a few minutes anyway.

Moré: So, have you tried this food we’ve got up here? This Timiocato-style pizza is excellent! And there’s these wonderful brownies for dessert. I wish I had this kind of food at home…

Brettschneider: You really think I’m one of them, don’t you! You’re trying to convert me to the One True Way with your slani drugged food! You’re no better than the slani statists!

Moré: Did you just call me a ¢ommi€? That’s it—you want a fight, I’ll give you one!

Brettschneider: Wait—I didn’t mean—

Ken Chang Memorial Hospital, 소코지토 도시, 소코 (Sokojito Dosi, SK)

Brettschneider: —I’m—where am I?

McCauley: You’re in a hospital in 소코지토 도시. What’s the last thing you remember?

Brettschneider: I was on air with Moré, commenting on the World Cup match, with that han-hi-len-ly sanja'slani selme k~hojnahera Vukašinović stealing the win from the Capitalizts—

McCauley: Huh? The Capitalizts won, five to four.

Brettschneider: They did?

McCauley: Yep, Polyakh scored the winning own goal in the 89th minute. I was wondering why they switched announcers at halftime, now I see why…

ISLANDERS SUCCUMB TO SUPERIOR QUALITY

As expected by the pundits the Islanders lost to Total n Utter Insanity at the Holy Empire Stadium, the oppositions better experience and fitness were major factors in the game in which they led 3-0 at half time with the Cataduano defence making too many errors and failing repeatedly to clear the ball, the Islanders normal passing game was broken up by the oppositions rapid closing down tactics that allowed no time and space for such a style of play. In the second half the Islanders attempted to play the counter attacking game and managed to grab a goal back when Alonso Corino sent a pin point cross into the box that was dispatched by Carlos Guarin, however the Islanders never really looked liked they could make come back and the match finished 3-1. Despite the glory of the qualifiers Cataduanes have two remaining fixtures against tough opposition within the group and look unlikely to pull off any shock results on the strenght of this performance. Coach Manua said at the post match conference 'we were far too naive for want of a better way of putting it, we need to maintain possesion and take no chances at the back', many of the journalists present did not disagree with his analysis.

For the millions watching the match in the UNFR the result was disappointing however enthuasism for the team remains high, with their underdog status it seems Cataduanes remains one of the choices of the neutral fans at the WC.

ASholes slip, Insanicians bank 3 easy points.

A great start for TnUI in Group G as Hockey Canada bitch slapped the ASholes offense yielding a boring 0-0 draw that will probably come back to haunt them. Meanwhile the Insanicians had a comfortable 3-1 victory over the newbcomers Catablahblah. Leading 3-0 at half time both forwards were substituted and rested for the tough matchup against the impenetrable Canadian defence in 4 days. The manager was pretty upbeat.

"We can win this group, all we have to do is go out there and give it our all. I know the [Hockey] Canadians have been studying Rejistanian tactics for many years, but we have beaten Rejistania in the past...sometime...I'm sure...maybe...so yeah!"

OOC: This happened before MD1

Rejistania sends reserves after Gurg controversy

After the SLANI insisted on sending Lovisian, Abysmali, Systemkarelan and Inflatiian referees to the World cup matches, the ASR decided not to send the good team but a bunch of substitutes. Teke Daran said that is a way to react without too much disrupting the NSWC. However, the SLANI tried to make buerocratic trouble by insisting, the names were already set. The ASR however reacted by chosing substitutes, who are named like the real national team players, but are H2SR or worse. The new starting 11:

Visnu Kanavan (Takane-Iheli Lavamje): He is the ony player, who at least had the chance to play in the H1SR, however, at that time, there were personal reasons, why he could not take the offer of In-Ja.

Xixi Ita (Veda'ny Sekhika): He was only selected due to his name, there is no other reason why a H6SR player would be allowed into the national team. But Xixi is a seldom name.

Kiira Isilyi (Sike Sekhika): The teacher from Exkola Side Sike, will have much to tell to his students after this trip.

Syku Imik (Venise Ines Sekhika): For those who do not know Venise Ines: It is a Disney-Land-like Theme Park, where Syku Imik works 'behind the scenes' (i.e. he is one of the cleaningpersons).

Simi~ll Viki (Kiaune-Iiniesai Lines): She works for the rejistanian IRS and is therefore in the tradition of Xeseja Su.

Iasin Sala (Kalisimu Kaletri): He studies computer science more or less successless. He also plays for a H2SR club and therefore is one of the talents in this team.

Sines Exke (Heti-Heti Rejis): He plays in the first league in Communist Rejistania. That does not mean he is the first player to play for the Mainland-Rejistanians. Communist Rejistania has no naitonal team, so sometimes the stoneage-communists pretend to be Rejistanians.

Daki Lyku (Karela Veran): She works in a power plant in KaMaRi kali and plays for the former arch-rival of Karela Lines, which is now in the H4SR.

Kansu Lanja (Jinhes-Samu Seli): She works in a coffee shop and often plays as if being high.

Linux Raju (Kihirana Divensi): He works in a factory where spring drums and other noise instruments are made, therefore, he really hates noise. He is also a very takilan person.

AT JGN ...

A fax appeared at the office of Jeruselem Government News sports section.


Group A
Starblaydia 2 The Islands of Qutar 3 (Capitalizt SLANI Result)
Eauz 2 Casari 1

Group B
Rejistania 0 Praying2God 2 (Capitalizt Defense Alliance’s Nightmare Result)
Crystilakere 2 New Montreal States 1

Group C
Bedistan 5 County Islands 0
One Red Dot 5 Vilita 1

Group D
Tadjikistan 3 Giant Zucchini 1
Commerce Heights 5 Krytenia 4 (TakilQuip Corp. Match of the Day)


Editor looks at the fax and shows it to his assistant "This looks like a joke. The Islands of Qutar beating Starblaydia 3-2? OK, Eauz was expected to beat Casari and 2-1 is reasonable score. But Praying2God beating Rejistania 2-0? Something's all wrong! Crystilakere beat New Montreal States, that's kind of expected. Bedistan trashed County Islands, no surprise. But what's going on with Vilita, lossing 1-5 to One Red Dot? That's bad. The Tigers won and Commerce Heights edged out Krytenia. Something's wrong ... get someone to make sure that these are all right!"

... half an hour later ...

"Hey, boss. Those scores are correct. Just checked with the World Cup 26 officials, and they are correct. No full results for Group E to H yet. So, that's what we have to report." said the assistant. The Editor fainted.

The assistant said "Hey, wake up. I've got good news" after shaking his boss. "What what ... we lost our game against Oaker? What's going on with the World Cup 26 groups ... it's all going wrong." moaned the Editor. "No, we beat Oaker 2-1. Yes, 3 points in Group E. Now let's get to work. The Hockey Canada and Jeruselem soccer fans want these results."

The Editor was suddenly happy "We won, you mean we won our 4th group stage game? Yes, let's go do the news! Oh, what happened to Hockey Canada?".

The assistant said "I think it was a nil all draw. The Jeruselem vs Oaker should be easy to show - 3 goals, lots of Jeruselem fans acting like idiots and pictures of the coach. Err, but how do make a nil all draw exciting?"

Editor replies "We just show the goals from the Bedistan game to compensate"

Canucks defence solid against 'Slavs

In what was probably the tightest game of the Hockey Canadian World Cup run, Audioslavia provided many fans around the world with an entertaining game last night at Stade Francais. Ciakhinisen and Thomas provided many fans with the most entertainment with both players recieving the "Players of the Game" awards. The pre-game lull was evident in most fans, who travelled just north into Oliverry for an icy-entertainment game.

The game started opposite to Hockey Canadian plans. Audioslavia was a much more seasoned and stronger team than what the Canucks had played earlier in the tournement and caught Hockey Canada off guard. Vitalis made the only breakthrough of the Hockey Canadian defence but couldn't beat Thomas as the shot went square into his arms. A quick counter-attack saw Rahul Kulkarni hit Mike Ko with a brilliant pass to close in on the Audioslavian net. The shot was blocked amazingly from 8 yards out by a sprawling Ciakhinisen to kill the momentum.

Audioslavia had then changed their formation at halftime while the drunken streaker was there right on cue. The shift in the Audioslavian lineup didn't dent Hockey Canadian morale however featuring harder and more physical play from the Canucks. The first moments of the second half saw some rough play from the Hockey Canadian defence but still couldn't change the flow of the nil-nil score.

Ko finally got his cannon of a shot going later in the half when a lapse in communication actually got Hockey Canadian players some offence. Ko managed to pick up a pass from Krytenian domestic player Ike Broflovski and fired a wiring shot that would have put the Canucks up 1-0 over Audioslavia. it wasn't meant to be. Ciakhinisen played the ball well, it was just iron the ball hammered into instead of nylon.

Audioslavia did get one last opportunity though. Vitalis did get a good cross-ball on a header but missed the net narrowly while Fiori was offside on a good offensive pressure strike. The game ended karelan style with Audioslavia putting up an excellent fight.

With Total n utter Insanity up next on the schedule for the Canucks, hopefully Hockey Canada can pick up a win or draw.

The dumbing down of Wentland TV news became an issue following a news report previewing the game against Oaker Heights.

How will we do against Oaker? I woodn't know. In their first game their bark was worse than their bite. Finishing seems to be the root of their problem, plus the manager can't leaf a winning team alone. I hope that Treves copse a couple of goals, that would be treemendous. Although defeat would leave us ashen, perhaps pining for home. The team looked bushed at the end of the last match, although it was a berry good performance.

WARRIORS STUMBLE AGAINST CRYSTILAKERE

The Praying2God Warriors didn't play with the same intensity that they did in their previous match against Rejistania, and it showed as a 1-1 halftime tie turned into a 1-3 defeat, damaging the Warriors chances at qualification. How much is unknown, as the Rejistania/New Montreal States result was unavailable at the time this paper went to print. The Warriors played a flat 90 minutes, but the Warriors kept catching breaks as most of the Crystilakere shots were inaccurate during the first half. The Warriors were just as lethargic in the second half, and watched Crystilakere score twice early in the half to deflate any hopes of a point for the Warriors. Thomas Larson scored in the 22nd minute to even the match on a beautiful cross from Alissa Madison, but the Warriors were unable to get any offense going beyond that. Head Coach Paul Johnson was fuming after the match, and refused to let reporters into the locker room. Hopefully, the Warriors will find their enthusiasm for their final match against New Montreal States, as a win will still give them a decent chance to qualify. Any other result and the Warriors will need some help. We'll bring you more once we get word of the result of the other match.

“I gotta shay, is all the coach’s fault!” Jan Wolters washed down his slurred speech with a fair gulp of Oliverrian beer. For a moment he seemed to consider a burp, then thought better of it and just gazed down his pitcher.
“What is?” asked the guy on the stool next to him.
Taki Sala, as Wolters, was a forward in the Spruitland national football team. The two were hardly cut from the same cloth though. Taki was a skinny little fellow, the typical slick striker that relied on his pace to make the difference. Jan Wolters, on the other hand, looked more like a rugby than a football player, let alone a striker. Six foot four and built like a brick house, pace was not Jan’s primary quality on the field. He had actually started out as a defensive midfielder – the kind that would rather eat his shirt than let a man pass him – but had evolved into a powerhouse forward quite a while ago. He was in the autumn of his career now, participating in what almost certainly would be his last World Cup. Well, in as much as sitting on the bench could be considered participating.
“What coach fault?” Taki asked again. “Lose to Ef-Jay-Phoenix pricks, or us to be shit-faced?”
Taki’s less-than-perfect grammar wasn’t due to his less-than-sober state. Well, not entirely, at least. The little striker was born in Rejistania and had lived there more than half of his life, before stowing away on a Spruitland cruise ship, fleeing the oppressive regime of his home country. He’d found a new, prosperous home in Spruitland, and in close to a decade he had adapted very well to the habits and customs of the ‘free world’, but the English language was one thing he could not seem to grasp fully.
“Both,” Wolters said. “If we, you and me, had played yesserday…” He made a dismissive gesture with his hand that left very little to the imagination. “Totally different shtory! Three goals each, you and me. Three for you, three for me. That makes…”
“Six!” Taki grinned, taking another swig from his own pitcher.
“Tha’s right. Six. So it’s the coach’s fault that we lost. And because we lost, we’re here, getting…”
“Shit-faced!”
“Right again! So you see, all the coach’s fault!” He downed his beer with the fortitude of a man who knew he was right, dammit, and don’t anyone dare say different, and waved at the bartender.
“Garshon! Another round for the house!” He swiveled around on his barstool, only to notice that ‘the house’ was just him and Taki. “Hey, where’d everybody go?”
“Rest of team in bed many hours ago,” Taki shrugged. “Like three. Maybe six.”
“Wimps. And where’s that chick that was sitting at the end of the bar?’
“She gone half hour ago. Not chick though, was queen of drags.”
“You’re shittin’ me?” Wolters stared at his friend for a few seconds, then shook his head wearily, like a horse chasing away a fly. “Well what the flying bananas are we still doing here, then? Sure as hell not for this bottled dishwater, that’s f’r sure!”
He staggered toward the exit. Taki gazed at his beer for a moment, then just ignored it and went after him.


A few minutes later, Taki counted himself lucky that the walk to the hotel would be a short one. The fresh air had not agreed with Jan Wolters’ sense of balance, so he had taken to Taki for support.
There was something quite comical about the little forward trying to keep the big, drowsy forward upright, while desperately trying not to collapse under the weight. No doubt, Taki knew, if they went down, he’d have a hell of a time trying to get from under Wolters’ bulk. Even assuming he’d have no broken bones, which was doubtful.
Moments later, though, he suddenly had other concerns, as two local thugs stepped out of the alley in front of them. And then two more.
Switchblades clicked, not quite complete sets of teeth were shown in wicked grins, and the outer two thugs started moving to the sides, encircling them.
Taki poked his elbow in Wolters’ ribs. “Hey Jan, if not awake, now good time would be.”
Wolters grunted, slowly opened his eyes… and quickly regained control over his legs again. Nothing quite as effective to sober up a man than having four knives aimed at him. Unless, perhaps, having four guns aimed at him, but the knives did the trick. Wolters didn’t look perfectly steady on his legs, but his eyes glanced around with the concentration of a forward waiting in the box for a corner to be taken.
“Tes portefeuilles, et vite!” one of the thugs barked, swinging his knife in a needless gesture. Neither of the Spruitlanders spoke French, but that was hardly an issue in this case – they understood.
“How do you wanna handle this, Taki,” Wolters asked quietly. “Karela or Takil?”
Taki smirked. “Karela suck big-time,” he said, taking a quick step forward and swinging his short leg with all the strength he could muster. It wasn’t without risk. Taki was a small guy, so he had to get in close, but even with a respectable amount of alcohol in his blood, he was still lightning fast. His foot hit the leading thug straight in the nuts, lifting him a good two feet in the air. He folded double as soon as he hit the ground.
Wolters was slightly slower off the bat, but none the less effective for it. His left hand intercepted the wrist with the switchblade that was moving in his direction. As he swung it aside, his right hand grabbed the thug by the back of the head. Time briefly stood still as he envisioned a ball in the air, curling towards him. Hold. Step. Head back. His head-butt hit the thug square in the nose. Something crunched. Score!
No time for celebrations though. Two more thugs to deal with. He swung around.
Taki was standing in an impromptu kung-fu stance, scowling fiercely while swinging his arms in the air, doing his best to look impressive. It seemed to work, the two remaining thugs were hesitating.
Wolters took up position next to his teammate. “Vouley-vew couchey avec moi,” he grunted in his best pigeon-French.
That broke their spirits. The thugs dropped their knives and set off on an impressive sprint.
Both Spruitlanders relaxed a bit, and turned around to the two thugs on the ground. One was clutching his face, bleeding like a pig, the other was still folded double, gasping for breath.
“Well wasn’t that just as fun as a Sunday picnic,” Wolters said, after which he folded double himself and puked all over the nearest of the thugs.


They did their best to stay as quiet as possible when sneaking back into the hotel. The days when Cor Bensen, their coach, actively encouraged his players to go out on the town on nights before important matches were long gone. If he caught them now, there’d be hell to pay.
Wolters wanted to tiptoe to his room and crash on his bed as fast as possible, but Taki paused by the door to Bensen’s room.
“Tomorrow’s lineup!” he whispered excitedly.
“See if I care,” muttered Wolters, moving along through the hallway.
“We be playing!”
That stopped Wolters short in his tracks. He swung around. “Come again?”
“We be playing first team!” Taki grinned. “You and me! Six goals, yes?”
“Oh crap…” Wolters put a hand on his forehead, where a big bump was forming.

Another Own Goal!
Episode 14: Rilke the Hat-trick Hero!

Once again Mr. Couch Person is slumped in front of the TV. He’s a little excitable at the moment.

“…and that’s a brilliant through ball by Bardi, Poulsen was onside there, he timed his run perfectly…he puts in a shot…brilliant dive by 손 to block it, but the ball is still in the box and it bounces invitingly for RILKE!!! THAT’S THE EQUALISER FOR THE ZUCCHINIS…Fantastically struck shot right between the legs of Teel and into the corner of the net to secure his hat-trick. He’ll be a happy man tonight with the matchball, his souvenir from Commerce Heights capping a wonderful performance by the Zucchinis, and yet another chance to take the lead…and that’s the final whistle…an admirable performance by the Zucchinis, scaring the Capitalizts in the first half, Rilke putting 2 in the net in 3 minutes, Beland’s second giving the hosts some face at the break. Then, just as Εμανουελ looked to have given the hosts a hard fought win, Rilke with his hat-trick turned the match on his heels, and I’m sure Gorton will be happy with the point here today…”

To be continued…


Giant Zucchini’s Department of Number Crunching and Data Spewing presents:

Match stats:

Commerce Heights – 3
Beland (7, 43), Εμανουελ (63)

Giant Zucchini – 3
Rilke (15, 18, 78)


Giant Zucchini stats:

Top Goalscorers:
Johann Rilke – 8
Fra di ser Tartini - 3
Absamat Chekhov – 2
Armand Boyer – 2
Gottlieb Poulsen – 2
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Mikhail Glinka – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1
Boudewijn Brugghen – 1

Yellow Cards:
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Domingo Ferrero – 1
Armand Boyer – 1
Gottlieb Poulsen – 1
Bobby Laredo – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1

Red Cards:
Mikhail Glinka – 1

Tadjiks not good enough for the Aces
Tigers in need of a win!

Yesterday, everyhting seemed to be going just as planned, the Tigers won their opening match and took three points, an excellent start of what should have been quick qualification for the next round. And they got close to doing it. Unfortunatly, the Tigers never finished off what they had started.

Was the impressive sight of the huge Sokojito Überdome? Or the overconfidence after their win against Giant Zucchini? The Tigers were amazed at the sight of a 400.000 man stadion and the strange system that teleported people into the place, but not enough to knock them out of their shoes as they played a good first half. So it had to be the overconfidence.And that is a big mistake against a team of Krytenia's quality.

The magic of Oleg Salenko, quick as lightning, gave the Tadjiks an early lead through a header in the twentieth minute, which gave the Tadjiks the feeling it would easy, even when the Krytenian Aces managed to equalize in the twenty-eight minute with a shot by Gabriel Kennedy, the Tigers still believed it would be like a walk in the park.
Saidomir Saradov pushed the Tadjik fans pushed the fans into the same corner in the thritysecond minute with a long distance shot, Barcali touching the ball with his fingertips .

The second half was a whole lot different, the Tigers were shaken up as if a Hurricane passed by. Before they realized it they were already looking at a 2-4 lead for the Krytenians. A desperate attempt by the Sadirovs to save the situation by reorganizing their team resulted in a few good moves by Pliiev, Salenko and Zuhurov but neither of these men seemed able to turn the tide. Things got even more dramatic when Krytenia scored a fifth goal and the Tigers gave up on their offensive actions, it was already lost anyway.

Bahrom Sadirov was quite angry, that was clear but he managed to control his temper :'Maybe I should be glad that i'm on my last World Cup, because this 'match' can only be described as a catastrophy. If this is how we're going to play the rest of our matches, or should I say: our last match, then I'm wondering what the heck we are doing here. I do hope the person or persons who take over from us will be able to reform this team. Lets just try to forget this disaster and focus on that last match against Commerce Heights' Capitalizts, if we lose that one, its game over!

Tadjikistan -2
Salenko '20, Saradov '32
Krytenia -5
Kennedy '28, '50, '85, Spivey '54, Keda '62


Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Race City W 3-0
MD2: Artoonia - Tadjikistan D 1-1
MD3: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 3-1
MD4: Jeruselem - Tadjikistan W 2-5
MD5: McPsychoville - Tadjikistan W 0-4
MD6: Tadjikistan - Milchama W 4-1
MD7: /
MD8: Race City - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD9: Tadjikistan - Artoonia W 4-1
MD10:Rordia - Tadjikistan L 3-0
MD11:Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 4-2
MD12:Tadjikistan - McPsychoville W 2-0
MD13:Milchama - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD14:/
---------------------World Cup 26 Group Stage----------------------------------
MD1: Tadjikistan - Giant Zucchini W 3-1
MD2: Tadjikistan - Krytenia L 2-5
MD3: Tadjikistan - Commerce Heights
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tadjik goalscorers:
Salenko - 15
Saradov - 7
Zuhurov - 4
Pliiev - 4
Mirdan - 2
Ashurov - 2
Kornilov - 1
Gurchev - 1
Solehbayev - 1

Fax turns up at Jeruselem Government News


Group E
Squornshelous 2 Wentland 1
Oaker 1 Jeruselem 2 (Capitalizt SLANI’s HEROIC VICTORY)

Group F
Liverpool England 0 Schiavonia 1 (TechConGroup’s PopularResult)
Fmjphoenix 3 Spruitland 1 (First Planetary Bank of Sirius D’s FSXing Win)

Group G
Total n Utter Insanity 3 Cataduanes 1
Audioslavia 0 Hockey Canada 0

Group H
Oliverry 1 The Kazoo Peoples 0
Sarzonia 3 Lovisa 2 (Quest Education’s Language Teaching Result)


The assistant hands the result to the Editor. "Ah, this look more normal. Let's review the spin on these games. About time we got these results."

Assistant: Squornshelous 2 Wentland 1
Editor: Wentland goes down in heroic loss to Squornshelous. Squornshelous look like business in Group E.
Assistant: Oaker 1 Jeruselem 2
Editor: Crusader overcome determined Oaker for 4th group stage in a World Cup. The last three wins were in World Cup 24.
Assistant: Liverpool England 0 Schiavonia 1
Editor: Terminators get terminated. Schiavonia upset the favourites and score 3 valuable points towards the next round.
Assistant: Fmjphoenix 3 Spruitland 1
Editor: Bunnies no match for the Vikings. Vikings continue their offensive assault on opponent's goals
Assistant: Total n Utter Insanity 3 Cataduanes 1
Editor: Insanians cruise to another win. Brave Cataduanes fight but can't match the Insanians at all.
Assistant:Audioslavia 0 Hockey Canada 0
Editor: Canuck defense works against Audioslavia but fail to score. One point towards Canuck glory but Insanians await next.
Assistant: Oliverry 1 The Kazoo Peoples 0
Editor: Narrow win for Oliverry over Kazoo playing team. Oliverry show not playing the qualifiers does not impeded team performances at all.
Assistant: Sarzonia 3 Lovisa 2
Editor : Sarzonia roll on with win over potential threat Lovisa. The Starz still shine!
Assistant: Which games to show highlights?
Editor: The Jeruselem game will be of main focus. Need to show the Squornshelous game and Terminators upset. Hockey Canada's draw must be shown at best as can be. Sarzonia's win ends the highlights.
Assistant: What about the Insanian win?
Editor: Everyone expects them to win this group.

Pschychoes Preparing for Crusaders

The winning side here will be in prime position to advance
With all thoughts of Wentland now behind them, Squornshelous cna now focus on their next match, which should turn out to be on of the more interesting meetings of this group stage. Like our matches against Wentland, the teams are much closer than they look on paper, with Jeruselem playing very well, upsetting Oaker as expected in their first group stage matchday. This match is vitally important to both teams, since neither has an easy time of it in their third match. Squornshelous will go on to play a slightly inconsistant, but very talented Oaker team, and Jeruselem of course, will have to face the upset machine that is Wentland.
A win here will put the Pschychoes or Crusaders 3 full points above the rest of the group, no matter what happens in the match between Oaker and Wentland. The losers will be under intense pressure to perform in order to make the second round. Squornshelous can have pretty realistic hopes of a win against Oaker, but you never want to put yourself into a must win situation, something that has caused the Pschychoes problems numerous times in Group Stages past. This is why, Manager Colon is continuing his drastic policy of focus. Reportedly, he is not even permitting the team to talk about Oaker or anything Cup related that is not the upcoming match with Jeruselem. He claims he has not even aquired any material on the Sharks, be it film, descriptions or analyses. All of his scouts are working full time on finding weaknesses in Jeruselem's team strategy.
With all this said, we like our team's chances. These two teams are fairly familiar with each other, having played several times throughout their respecive histories, so unless drastic changes are made on either side, neither team will be unprepared for the general playing style of the other, and in a stand up fight like that, we think that Squornshelous's skill, experience and endurance will prevail.

Stars prepare for Kazoo Peoples

Coach Dave Wilson knows that the Kazoo Peoples gave host nation Oliverry a spirited contest despite a 1-0 result that puts Group H's lowest-ranked side in fourth place after the opening match day of the World Cup XXVI groups stage. He also knows he has to ready his team for anything.

"We've invested in about 30 sets of earplugs," Wilson joked. "We're going to use dealing with kazoo playing as a way of training ourselves to deal with the crowd noise we're going to face when we play Oliverry."

Turning serious, Wilson said, "The Kazoo Peoples played as well as you can expect a football team to play in a hostile environment. They've proven themselves throughout the World Cup that they are not a team you can take lightly."

On the home front, reports of the nation's economic recession and constant airing of The Kazoo Peoples media outlets have contributed to nationwide unrest with people burning effigies and taking to the streets. Woodstock police chief Xavier Treadway announced that riot police would be out in full force to prevent future outbreaks of violence.

"The President has personally called for calm," Treadway said. "That said, we need to be prepared for anything, including people who don't care what the President says."

Non-football events affecting the Stars could damage the hopes of a lesser side, but these Stars are used to the distractions. In a World Cup that saw the sport's governing body within Sarzonia placed under government receivership and a bungled attempt to fire a head coach, economic downturns and riots are just two more problems to add to the pile.

"We just get out there and the pitch is our way of getting away from the trials and tribulations of real life," midfielder Jenna Raven said. "It's actually therapeutic to start playing a real game of football instead of worrying about the outside world."

The Rolatian Telegraph
Gatri - "Kazoo for the win!"
Jonathan Gatri, manager of the Rolatian football team, has today announced his support for The Kazoo Peoples against Sarzonia and beyond in the finals of World Cup 26. Gatri stated "Well, TKP provided us with a win, we helped TKP get through, and we always like to see the underdog win. Besides, TKP's a good country with a good team and a respectable manager. So are Sarzonia, but there's the other matters too." This is not too much of a surprise in Rolatia, since the nation are already supporting TKP majorly - in a phone-in poll 62% voted for TKP to win WC26, with Casari second on 24% and the ever-popular 'Not Rejistania' on 11%

(OOC: If it IS possible to divert RP bonuses for people who are out, this can go to TKP :P)

"...Besides, TKP's a good country with a good team and a respectable manager. So are Sarzonia, but there's the other matters too."

Telegraph called on journalistic inaccuracy

FJORDALEN -- Mike Davidson, recently jobless after first being sacked by the Bedistan national team in 2082 following the Lions' very early exit from World Cup 24 and then sacked from Floral FC in 2089 following their relegation from the Bedistan Premier League, decided to speak his mind yesterday about an article he saw in the Rolatian Telegraph. The article referred to Sarzonia as "a good country with a good team and a respectable manager".

"That's the biggest load of [hogwash] I've ever seen," Davidson remarked. "Respectable manager, sure. Good country, well, I haven't been there in a quarter century, so I can't say what it's like now. But a good team? That's a laugh! Whatever those Rolatians are smoking, I want some."

Some feel that Davidson is already smoking something, as Sarzonia have been ranked number one in the world for quite some time now and Bedistan actually has an overall losing record (1-1-2) against them, with all those matches being under Davidson's management. "He just kind of lost it after he lost his job at Floral," said one of his friends who requested that we not reveal his or her name.

As the Kazoos were in their fourth-consecutive 17-hour practices, as they prepared for their no-doubt tough match against #1 Sarzonia.

Coach Manni Aka was nervous about the match, but he was "more nervous about either winning against or drawing Sarzonia.

"The affect in our home country would be devastating. People will get drunk, forget that they work, and our whole economy would be in shambles. Please read this when the press interviews you. Thanks for reading this, Nai Manak, President. Do not read these last three sentences aloud." Manni Aka looked as if he had done something wrong. He hastily hid the index card that he was reading from in his pocket, and continued.

"Of course Sarzonia is a tough team. Of course they are #1 in the world. But the one thing that isn't 'of course' is a Sarzonia win. I think we have a chance to at least draw them. And especially with some other countries supporting a huge upset over Sarzonia, I think our team will sense that when we play later."

Sarzonia edged Lovisa 3-2 in their first match. Since Lovisa has been almost silent throughout qualifying, this is "only a sign of their weakness," said the coach in an interview.

The Kazoos face off with Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden, the same stadium where they lost their opening match to Oliverry.

---
LATE SCORE:
Sarzonia 3:2 Lovisa

The score is now available, so the table for Group H is as follows:

Group H Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Oliverry 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Sarzonia 3 1 0 0 3:2 1
3. Lovisa 0 0 0 1 2:3 -1
The Kazoo Peoples 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1

---
Kazoos expand fan base

Recently, the Rolatian Telegraph published Rolatian Manager Jonathan Gatri's support for the Kazoo Peoples.

As you recall, it was Rolatia who beat us on matchday 13, only to defeat Yafor 2, who was our only obstacle for Finals qualification.

Rolatian citizens, in a phone-in poll, 62% voted for TKP to win WC26.

"It really shows how much people want us to beat Sarzonia. It really means a lot to the team, and to the fans. It tells us that 'hey, we really care about you.' That's what's great about the World Cup: international cooperation," said Manni Aka, when asked about the article.

Rolatia also offered their "RP bonus," whatever that means.

"Were still trying to find out what this means, but that doesn't mean we'll won't take it. In fact, we'll take all the 'RP' we can get," said Director of Scientific Research Dr. Dinglehopper.

Local crazy person Donald McRonald had this to say about the huge support for the Kazoos:

"The Educated Technological State of Rolatia, as it is formally called, has a population of 1,747,000,000, more than four times the population of The Incorporated States of the Kazoo Peoples. In the survey, 62% wanted the Kazoos to take home a win. That is approximately 1,083,140,000 people rooting for the Kazoos, which is about two and a half times the amount of people in our entire nation. When our fan bases combine, that makes about 1,480,140,000 fans of the Kazoos. Hopefully, that sort of fan base will help the Kazoos get a victory."

"Donald, you need to get a job."

"I already have one. I work as a statistician for The Kazoo City Courier."

"Donald, you weren't supposed to say that."

"Oh."

Wilson: Davidson's comments 'intemperate'

Sarzonian national team coach and IFF chairman Dave Wilson blasted comments made by former Bedistani national team coach Mike Davidson about the Stars in which he was reported to have said, “But a good team? That's a laugh! Whatever those Rolatians are smoking, I want some.”

“I advise Mr. Davidson to look seriously at the world rankings,” Wilson said in a rare media outburst directed toward another nation's coaching personnel. “The results have borne out since the World Cup XXII final. Sarzonia have held the top ranking since then. We also have a 2-2-1 record all-time against Bedistan so it seems to me that his pride is a bit injured and he wishes to salve that injury by bashing a team that he's lost to more times than he would have liked.”

Wilson also said the team was considering offering Davidson the head coaching position or even once again offering him an assistant coaching position under current assistant Brett Hancock, but said “fat chance of that happening.

“Until his outburst, I had great respect for Mike Davidson as a coach and a person. We were willing to offer him a job because we respected what he did to win World Cup XXI. He can forget that now.”

Wilson said that comments from people hoping for an upset by The Kazoo Peoples didn’t upset him.

“We’re the prohibitive favourites, we expect people to root for the underdog,” Wilson said. “The fact people are openly rooting against us is par for the course. I’d be concerned if people weren’t rooting against us. However, we’ve got bigger fish to fry than worrying about who’s rooting for or against us.”

Wilson called the matchup against The Kazoo Peoples a “must win” with the team facing co-hosts Oliverry in the final match of group play in World Cup XXVI.

“We need to get three points in this game, no question,” Wilson said.

Matchday 2 scores for groups E–H have been telegrammed. Scores for groups A–D will be posted by Oliverry soon.

The seleken coach looked at the weirdly assembled bunch of players, which till 1 week ago had not a chance in 100 to advance into the national team. But situations change and by an insane combination of luck, these people now are in Commerce Heights instead of the real national team. "The maniac" Seletarakeledira Hanselijimijile gave tactical orders, which weren't really surprising. Everyone plays on the position, where he sucks least. Maybe it was the well known Seleken solidarity why Seneteramanasiri Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu, a defender in a unrelegatable (which of course is the polite way of saying: playing in the last league) team in Rolatia. However the seleken was one of the better players on the pitch.

After 20 minutes, the rejistanians were horribly outclassed and Auswärtssieg Arena would see an away win if not... of course, we do not know whether that was the reason, but we know that there is a correlation: In the twentieth minute, the rejistanian fans started singing something, which sounded very much like a spell, but that was only because rejistanians can not speak German, even if they try and it sounds really weird if the fans don't even try hard. The text was nearly incomprehensible except for some parts:

Ihr könnt uns schlagen so oft und so hoch ihr wollt
es wird trotzdem nie passieren
dass auch nur einer von uns mit euch tauschen will
denn ihr seid nicht wie wir.

or this:

Ole ole ole ola! wir scheissen auf den Sieg!
Ole ole ole ola! es ist nur ein Auswärtsspiel!


Apparently the magic worked and gave New Montreal States for the match the role of the home team and a Home team surely can not win at the Auswärtssieg Arena.

Rejistania 3 (Kanavan 24th, Viki 57th 82nd)
New Montreal States 0

Stars on the verge of clinching

When Dave Wilson took the reins as the Sarzonian national team coach in his second go-round with the team, many observers thought the Stars would have little trouble sailing through the group en route to the knockout stage for the sixth consecutive time with the first two matches against Lovisa and The Kazoo Peoples.

However, Wilson is nothing if not determined to prove that his Stars belong back on the mountaintop. He had Sarzonia playing with an urgency usually reserved for Bedistan and the Stars defeated The Kazoo Peoples 2-0 in a match that wasn't as close as the score suggested.

"We didn't know the outcome of the Lovisa-Oliverry match yet and we know that playing Oliverry in front of their home supporters is going to be a tough road to hoe," Wilson said. "I'd rather have us playing up to full form than have to lose sleep worrying if we're going to advance to the knockouts."

Sarzonia (2-0 in World Cup groups play; 10-3-1 overall) likely won't have to worry about much except for their second round matchup with a tussle against hated foes Total 'n Utter Insanity looming as a possibility. That team is the only team thus far to defeat Sarzonia in a second round match as Sarzonia have played to a 4-1 record in the Round of 16. However, Wilson says the team isn't going to take the match against Oliverry for granted even if the team clinches the Group H title outright.

"This team is going to focus on football and nothing else for 90-plus minutes," midfielder Jenna Raven (one goal, one assist) said. "At this point, we realise we can't control what happens outside the pitch. We can only control our end of the bargain."

Sarzonia controlled its end of the bargin and sent The Kazoo Peoples to likely elimination from the World Cup finals by holding the ball for 59 minutes to 31 for The Kazoo Peoples. They outshot The Kazoo Peoples 19-8 and fired 11 shots on goal to The Kazoo Peoples' four. Goalkeeper and team captain Horace Sandt notched a clean sheet one day after a rare bad match for him.

"Hor is going to be there for us when it counts most," Dave Wilson said. "He was there when we won the World Cup the first time and he's going to be there if we win the World Cup this time."

WARRIORS NEED ALLY TO QUALIFY

The Praying2God Warriors are going to need help from the very team that just beat them, Crystilakere, if the Warriors have any hopes of qualifying for the 2nd Round. Of course, the Warriors are probably going to have to win regardless, but Crystilakere can help the Warriors out in multiple ways. No matter how you look at it, the Warriors have to play better than they did against Crystilakere, but their opponent isn't as high quality as their last two opponents, as they will face New Montreal States. Here are the potential qualifying scenarios for the Warriors:

Praying2God loses:

Crystilakere defeats Rejistania by 2 more goals than P2G loses by
AND

NMS wins by 2 or less

Praying2God draws:

Crystilakere defeats Rejistania

Praying2God wins by less than 3:

Crystilakere defeats or draws Rejistania
Rejistania defeats Crystilakere by a margain that when added to P2G's margain of victory equals 4 or more

Praying2God wins by more than 3:

Crystilakere defeats or draws Rejistania
Rejistania defeats Crystilakere

AG: Anna Goldstein
GH: Guus Hiddink

AG and GH stand in front of a scoreboard saying
Squornshelous 1 Jeruselem 4

AG: Guus, I don't believe it. We have made the next round!
GH: This team is good. They maybe the U21C20 which never played but they are good as the World Cup 24 team or better.
AG: I cannot believe we hammered Squornshelous 4-1 after piping Oaker 2-1. This is our 5th group stage win ever. One in World Cup 26 and 3 wins in World Cup 24.
GH: Yes, Squornshelous lost but we deserved the win. I wasn't expecting the scoreline though.
AG: They just looked fantantic today. Playing Squornshelous means a tough game, and an expected draw or loss for us.
GH: These boys just played like their last game here. There's nothing wrong with Squornshelous. We played better today, but Squornshelous will make the next round.
AG: How?
GH: If we beat Wentland and Squornshelous don't lose. They'll be fine.
AG: What next for this team
GH: Making the finals depending who we meet in the 2nd round
AG: You've shut up the doubters saying a Dutchman is useless
GH: The doubters can talk all they like. I'm here to push Jeruselem into the World Cup 26 finals
AG: I'm sure, you're everyones hero in Jeruselem right now.
GH: I'm the coach. The players are the heroes here.
AG: No relaxing in the next game?
GH: Some star players will be rested but no slacking around with the team. They'll play to win still, we are sick of losses and draws.
AG: And what to say to those Nedalian fans?
GH: We are here and making inroads. The Lions can do this too. Get yourself the best coach you can and fight like Lions in World Cup 27. If Jeruselem can do it, Nedalian can. Support us now, because we will support you too.

Vikings keep on rolling, prepare for the deciding matchup

Mike Nolan has been playing the cup of his life. He has carried the Vikings through several matches on his own. But this time around, he did not have to carry the burden. Dave Daniels scored for the first time in World Cup 26 and Nolan added his 31st goal of World Cup 26 as Fmjphoenix came back from a 1-0 deficit to defeat Schiavonia 2-1 and move one point away from returning to the second round of the World Cup.

The match started off with Schiavonia in complete dominant control. Using the defense that helped stop most of the teams they faced in the qualification, held the Vikings attackers off of the ball for a solid 30 minutes. Not only did they keep the ball away from the Vikings trio of forwards, Tony Tarmey was the first to take a shot, a marvelous shot from about 20 feet out that barely was tipped over the bar by Powell Lamar. But Lamar was not able to repeat the feat the second time around, as Tarmey's second shot was centemeters away from Lamar's outstretched hands, sailing into the left of the net for the 1-0 lead in the 32nd minute. Finally the Vikings had a chance to advance but they were unable to capitalize on anything in the first half, as Schiavonia was playing rock solid like a team possessed. At the end of the first hald, Schiavonia dominated the Vikings in all stats, 6-2 for shots and an unbelievable 72% possession rate. But in the second half, the Vikings woke up.

It took a few minutes or passing and scrambling around, but Dave Daniels, starting in place of Brian Dougood, who sat out to rest a sore knee, came up flanked by Andrew Jenkins and Laura Boyd. Daniels dropped the ball back to Boyd, who crossed to Jenkins, who headed the ball towards the net. It was a shallow header, because it was not an attempted shot, but a pass back to Daniels, who headed the ball himself over a rushing Ben Kershaw to equalize the score 1-all in the 54th minute. Again though, when Schiavonia took control, they held the ball for another considerabely long time, taking a good 25 minutes before they lost control when Tarmey's 4th attempt of the match was caught up and saved by Lamar. Thats when the Vikings went to an all out attack. With seven players coming forward, the Vikings made a few mismatches and managed to get Siieranu Ijanaeil a shot that it was impossible for him to miss, as Kershaw had tripped up when his cleat stuck in the grass. But defender Oliver Park came into the goalkeepers area and slapped the ball out of the way. The referee called the handball and awarded a penelty shot to the Vikings. After little deliberation, Nolan stepped up to the line. With the signal given, Nolan faked to the right hard and sold it to Kershaw, as he moved towards the left, giving Nolan an easy tap to the right ro give Fmjphoenix their first lead in the match, going up 2-1 in the 83rd minute. After that, it was some solid defending and pressing that kept Shiavonia from coming closer than 30 feet away from the goal, preserving a hard fought, come from behind victory. The victory increased the Vikings unbeaten streak to 8 matches, the last 3 being victories.

In the other Group F match, Liverpool England bounced back from being upset by Schiavonia and shut down the Spruitland Wabbits 5-0. That leaves the table with an interesting look for the final matchday. Interestingly enough, noone is eliminated, nor has any team secured qualification to the second round. The final matchday of the group stage its Liverpool England against the Vikings, and Schiavonia facing Spruitland. The Vikings will secure qualification with a victory or a draw against the Terminators, or with a victory or draw in the Schiavonia - Spruitland matchup. So you can be well assured that Viking fans all over the world will be rooting on the Wabbits along with the Vikings. Thats all for tonight kiddo's. We will see you next time back in the Dôme de Saint-François as the group stage of World Cup 26 will be comiong to a close.

Fmjphoenix 2 - 1 Schiavonia
Daniels (54), Nolan (83) - Tarmey (32)


Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 2 2 0 0 5 2 6 +3
2. Liverpool England 2 1 0 1 5 1 3 +4
3. Schiavonia 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
4. Spruitland 2 0 0 2 1 8 0 -7

Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD15: Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland 3-1 Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia 2-1 Dôme de Saint-François
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England ?-? Dôme de Saint-François
Record: 12-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 30
B. Dougood - 5
S. Ijanaeil - 2
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1
D. Daniels - 1

thsd:NEWS

Sokojito Übergoals II
by Rami Niblick in Sokojito Dosi

SIXTEEN goals. The Überdome has turned into Takil Central, with both Commerce Heights and Krytenia collecting nap hands in its first two games. Tadjikistan looked like rabbits in the headlights after a second-half onslaught left them on the wrong end of a five-two scoreline.

The game however, started very much in the Tadjiks favour. Oleg Salenko is the Tigers' version of Gabe Kennedy, and his glancing nod but the Aces one down on the twenty minute mark. Tadjikistan kept the pressure up, and even though Kennedy did manage to squueze a shot home against the run of play, the Tigers looked completely in control as Saidomir Sarodov's powerful volley just about had the better of James Barcali in the Krytenian goal from thirty yards. Two-one, and Krytenia staring elimination in the face.

As the teams took the field for the second half, though, the Golden Cafetiere holders looked like they'd had a quintuple espresso each, starting the half at a blistering pace that the Tadjiks just could not deal with. Kennedy connected onto a swirling Andy Pedroso cross to pull the Aces level, before Robin Spivey turned home a volley to make it three. Heads dropped for the Tigers, and Keda's scrambled fourth just made life worse for them. With a two goal cushion, though, Krytenia were happy to take it easy, Kennedy's late strike almost apologetically beating the Tadjik keeper to complete Kennedy's second consecutive hat-trick.

Giant Zucchini are next - mercifully for them, in Yupo - with a win almost certainly sufficient for the Aces to qualify.

TADJIKISTAN - 2
Salenko 20
Saradov 28

KRYTENIA - 5
Kennedy 28, 50, 85
Spivey 54
Keda 62

SCORERS
G. Kennedy - 11 (incl. 6 in finals)
R. Spivey - 9 (incl. 2 in finals
K. Keda - 3 (incl. 1 in finals)
C. Blannix - 2
A. Pedroso - 2
J. Jaffacake-Phillips - 1
C. Stevenson - 1
J. Terezzi - 1

SCHEDULE:
MD1: H v FBR W 6-0 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD2: A v NVO W 2-1
MD3: H v SPA W 4-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham, CP)
MD4: A v HCN W 2-1
MD5: A v FSX W 2-0
MD6: H v WEE D 2-2 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD7: BYE - NO GAME
MD8: A v FBR D 3-3
MD9: H v NVO D 0-0 (Lays Road Ground, Leston, LS)
MD10: A v SPA L 1-2
MD11: H v HCN L 0-1 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD12: H v FSX W 2-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson, OU)
MD13: A v WEE L 0-3
MD14: BYE - NO GAME

R1M1: A v COM L 4-5 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M2: N v TDJ W 5-2 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M3: N v GZU ????? (Capitalizm, Yupo, COM)

"...this is their last chance, surely...even Jack Edmunds has come up from goal...Wentland have twice pulled it back, can they do so in injury time?...Devey with the corner...Jenkins with the header!!! OFF THE BAR and down and out and the Wentland players are appealing for a goal...but the referee waves them away and Oaker are breaking with literally no-one in the way...they can't get back in time and it's going to be four-two...they think it's all over...*cheers*...it is now..."

***

Edgar Bluff thanked his players as they came off the pitch. Never mind, he was saying, we went for it, we went down fighting. And if Squornshelous have won their game we still have a chance for qualifying in the next round.

The physio came up with his mobile. "Er, bad news, boss..."

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Cataduane, Audiothree
'Slaves win first match, set up perfectly for Insanician showdown

Audioslavia's 3-1 win over Cataduanes was a more than welcome result for most Audioslavians, taking some of the pressure off the final game against Total 'n Utter Insanity. For a sad few though, the result was rather dissappointing.

"Its gone against something my family's been waiting for for forty years" said one Kaze Statto after the game. "My grandad saw us beat Iuthia 6-0 in World Cup 6" he continued. "My father saw the 'slaves beat Adrasuvare 6-0 in World Cup 16, before i was even born, and i hoped to see the 'slaves do the same in World Cup 26". Mr. Statto then went on a long diatribe against ticket prices, after he went to every qualifying game hoping for another six-nil win. "Now it'll never happen". We asked him if he'd swap a 6-0 win over Cataduanes for beating TnUI on matchday three. His reply was simple. "Fuck yes!"

The Cataduanes game was certainly not as easy as the score-line would suggest, and certainly a six-nil wasn't on the cards. Both sides played out a stalemate in the first half, with Cataduane's Carlos Gaurin the only player who looked like scoring. The young striker had a lumbering Yevgeny Smashnov chasing shadows as he twice broke through the back line only to see his finishes blocked first by the right foot of Ciakhinisen, then by the foot of the right-hand post.

Smashnov made way for Tor Rijkaard in defence for the second half, and the twenty year-old full-back made a more successful attempt at marking the dangerous striker out of the game. This didn't stop Macalinao from forcing a header past Ciakhinisen - but inches wide of the post - on forty-nine minutes, but it did lead to the 'slaves opening goal of the match, and the campaign.

A long ball from Fran Mumbalo on fifty five minutes seemed to let Gaurin through on the right hand side, but a back-tracking Rijkaard managed to hunt him down and get a foot in to launch what proved to be a lethal counter-attack. Rijkaard played the ball to Mussorgsky in midfield, who expertly dragged the ball round Chavicano and turned on the pace, playing a one-two with Alanila before sending the ball wide to Fiori. A one-touch ping pass accross the pitch found Polsson on the corner of the eighteen yard box, and his expert control and clever flick found Vitalis arriving to direct a powerful header into the corner.

The second goal would come just seven minutes later as the 'slaves got their tails up and took the game to Cataduanes. Fiori had already guided a close-range side-footed volley into the side-netting, before the winger was tugged down by Mumbalo inside the penalty area. Vitalis sent the goalkeeper the wrong way with the penalty, and the 'slaves looked set up to take a much-needed win.

The lead, however, began to make Audioslavia complacent, and Cataduanes managed to drag themselves back into the game through the domineering midfield of Corino, Chavicano and Alomar. With nine minutes left on the clock, Cataduanes made the dangerous spells of pressure pay off. Marco Ruedas tore down the right flank, leaving O`Shannaig for dead before beating Rijkaard with a sumptuous display of skill, checking one way, then the other, before turning to Rijkaard's right, dragging the ball backwards with his right foot and flicking the ball through the hapless defender's legs with the inside of his left, collecting the ball on the other side. Buoyed on by a roar of approval from the majority of the fans in the stadium, Ruedas took two more paces before lashing a shot away from twenty-five yards. The ball dipped and swerved away from Ciakhinisen but rebounded off the inside of the post. Gaurin however was first to the re-bound and finished the opportunity into the empty net to set up a thrilling climax.

Jose Manua then played his best possible hand, bringing off defensive midfielder Andres Chavicano and replacing him with veteran striker Guillerme Bata. Full-back Butch Tumitubo was also replaced by a winger in the guise of Armando Ribera. Tarturo Magasara responded by shoring up his defence, replacing Polsson with the more defensive minded Berlioz and shifting Mussorgsky and Burns into deeper defensive positions, effectively shifting the 'slaves to a 6-3-1 formation.

Cataduanes, riding high on the waves of support from the mostly neutral crowd, kept attacking. Every ounce of resilience, strength and experience that the 'slaves could muster was put to use in numbing the three-pronged Cataduane strike-force and reducing the contributions of their speedy wingers and dangerous playmakers. With three minutes left of the ninety, Cataduanes looked like making the game all square again. Gaurin played a one-two with Ruedas, recieving the ball goal-side of Rijkaard and on the edge of the penalty area. Rijkaard, with one clumsy swoop at the striker, felled him, to the uproar of the crowd. It seemed to most of the 42,000 strong crowd expected the penalty, but the referee thought otherwise, placing the ball on the edge of the area and giving the Cataduane team a free-kick. He did send off Rijkaard for a professional foul, but this was scant consolation for a Cataduane side that believed it had been cheated of a decent chance for a draw. Ruedas jostled the referee and was cautioned, whilst Gaurin was seen by TV cameras to spit near the referee's foot, yet without the ref noticing.

The free-kick, rather than giving Cataduanes a chance at goal, indirectly resulted in the game being taken away from them. Alonso Corino took it, gliding it over the wall, towards the corner and out of Ciakhinisen's reach, but Stuart was on on hand to head the ball away to Didi Mussorgsky who hooked the ball clear. It was from here that the 'slaves showed the Cataduane fans where the idea for 'pacy wingers' was thought up in the first place as Fiori, the latest in a long line of 'Super 14s', the name given to the fact that the paciest and most exciting winger of Audioslavian football is traditionally given the number 14 shirt, collected the ball and burst away, skinning Ribera on the right, cutting inside and bearing down towards goal. It was two-on-two on the counter-attack with Fiori being supported by Arturo Vitalis, against the defensive partnership of Echevarria and Suramaga. Fiori took the ball sideways at pace before swiping at it with the outside of his left foot, giving it a sick amount of curl and swerve as it jinked between the two centre-halves and found Vitalis making a perfectly timed run outside Echevarria. Echevarria turned to give chase and found himself catching the slower Vitalis, but before he could make a challenge, the striker took his shot from the edge of the six yard box, raking it accross Adolfo Mumbalo, off the foot of the right hand post and into the net.

At 3-1 down with the game heading into injury time, there seemed to be little way back for the Cataduane team, and after a lack-lustre foray into the 'slaves half the game ended to the relief of the Audioslavian faithful.

FINAL SCORE
Cataduanes 1 (Gaurin 81)
Audioslavia 3 (Vitalis 57, 64, 89)


Group G Pld W D L GF:GA GD Pts
1. Audioslavia 2 1 1 0 3:1 2 4
2. Total n Utter Insanity 1 1 0 0 3:1 2 3
3. Hockey Canada 1 0 1 0 0:0 0 1
4. Cataduanes 2 0 0 2 2:6 -4 0

The victory gives the 'slaves the edge on the rest of the group as we wait for the Insanician-Canuck encounter to happen. An Insanician win would give the 'slaves an almost certain chance of qualifying, wheras a draw of Canuck win would throw the group wide open for the top three. Cataduanes, unfortunately after a colourful initiation to World Cup football, are eliminated.

Either way, the showdown with TnUI will be a tense and exciting one, whether qualification is at stake for either team. The history between the two sides has been documented already, and the bitterness that existed between the two nations from World Cups four and five is still as ripe as ever. Whatever your alliegance, the match should be the tie of the round, and a hell of a close encounter.

We're predicting a 6-0 victory.

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, G'nite bitches.

The Schiavone Scribe
STILL IN
Fmjphoenix 2-1 Schiavonia

Well, for forty-five minutes, it seemed like it was all too good to be true.

Yes, for half of the Sloths' game against the Fmjphoenix, it seemed entirely plausible that, against all the odds, the Schiavone Sloths would put together a second win in the World Cup Finals!

Of course, in the second half, the game went how it should have done. The Vikings played like they were expected to, and their superior quality shone through.

Not that the Schiavone fans seem to particularly care right now. The country is now in the midst of a huge party of international football. Every single World Cup game involving the sloths has thousands coming out into the streets, decked from head to toe in orange and scarlet, to watch the games on giant screens in town squares across the country.

Now the Cup of Harmony has come to our country, with sixteen more international teams taking each other on across the forty-six islands. The neutral tickets are already sold out, with just the allocations for the participating teams still available.

So the fact that Schiavonia will probably lose to Spruitland in their final World Cup Group Stage game doesn't really matter to most Schiavones. Just haing their team in the finals was more than enough for them.

And just think, when we started out, our beloved manager Rodney Lowe was aiming for fourth place. We've come a long way since then!


Final score
Fmjphoenix 2 (Daniels 54, Nolan 83)
Schiavonia 1 (Tarmey 32)

Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 2 2 0 0 5 2 6 +3
2. Liverpool England 2 1 0 1 5 1 3 +4
3. Schiavonia 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
4. Spruitland 2 0 0 2 1 8 0 -7

The Aeropag Tribune—It’s ’Yupo! Without the exclamation mark!

World Cup: Capitalizts fail at Capitalizm, scrape draw from Zucchinis
유포, 소코 (YU-PO, SK)—In a match the home team was expected to win easily, the Giant Zucchini national team (6–2–6, 0–1–1 WC) proved to be a worthy opponent for the Capitalizts (1–1–0), as they both earned their point in a hard-fought draw at Capitalizm. It was the Capitalizts that struck first, with Zachary Beland heading the ball in off a corner to make the score 1–0. But Johann Rilke was about to make himself a star—if he wasn’t already one—for the Zucchinis, as he scored two goals in three minutes to give the away team a 2–1 lead. It was Beland again who scored the equalizer for the Capitalizts, racing against the halftime whistle to make the score 2–2 in the 43rd.
In the second half, the Capitalizts were able to control the game, and many thought the game was won when Εντουσέι Εμανουελ (Entouséi Emanouel) scored the 3–2 goal in the 63rd on a long pass from Wolfgang Gretschmann. However, Rilke completed a hat-trick in the 78th minute to tie the game at three each. Though they made several attempts, the Capitalizts were unable to put the ball past Bobby Laredo and his defense, and the match ended in a draw. However, the Capitalizts are still first in their group after a thrilling 5–2 Krytenia win over Tadjikistan, and a win or draw against Tadjikistan in the final group stage match at the Überdome will secure the hosts a place in the second round.
Final Score—First Round Matchday 2:
[29] Commerce Heights 3 (Beland 7, 43, Εμανουελ 63)
[88] Giant Zucchini 3 (Rilke 15, 18, 78)—FT

Group A Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Commerce Heights 4 1 1 0 8:7 1
2. Krytenia 3 1 0 1 9:7 2
3. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 1 5:6 -1
4. Giant Zucchini 1 0 1 1 4:6 -2

Aeropag Tribune Media’s Easiest Top Scorer Table Ever™
Head—3
Beland—2
Αναστάσιος (Anastásios)—1
Εμανουελ—1
Polyakh [Krytenia]—1

Bluff had called the players into his office one-by-one to discuss the team for the Jeruselem match. Most came out absolutely shocked, some delighted, some disgusted.

When Bluff attended a pre-match conference, the team-sheet was handed around and the hacks had a few more questions to ask.


Tewkesbury

Henton Corbett Grosvenor Harris

Ferris Barton Bailey Davies

Thwaites Smith

"Um, who are these guys?"

"Mainly the reserves. They haven't had much of a chance, we're out of the World Cup, Jeruselem are through, we're not doing anyone any harm. Some of these guys will be around for the next Cup and need the experience. Others won't be and it's a chance for them to say farewell.

"But at the end of the Oaker game I saw most of the first choicers were knackered. They need a rest. I think this team will do better than they would, just because they are fresher. And I'm hoping to put Dorrington on in the second half to give all the goalies a run-out."

Hmm.

Qutar Sports News Network

Good Morning Qutar, we're at Anaphase Alchemy Stadium for the first match for Qutar in the group stage, and what a match this should be, Qutar we give everything they've got, but pundits have been tipping Starblaydia as the favourites. It looks like the teams are coming out onto the pitch now, yes they are, and oh the roar of the fans in the stadium is incredible, the anthems have been sung and now its time for the game.

It looks like Starblaydia have won the toss, and are going to kick off first, and Raphaelo starts the final of the Baptism of Fire off, Starblaydia are starting strongly, with Giovanni Lopez moving the ball forward, Gordon comes out to close him down, but he passes back to Virgil Ernesto, who pushes forward, getting past Gordon, and he sees Raphaelo making a move, he drills a pass to him, but well cut out by Lemkes there, and he gets it back up to Gordon, who making a break on the counter attack, he's got Ali and Siese ahead of him, he sees Siese gets the past through, Danzir Garahildim comes out to challenge him, but Siese gets the past to Ali, who's clean on goal, and he slams it into the top right corner!!! 1-0 Qutar!! We're six minutes in and already Qutar are in the lead!!!

Starblaydia start the match off again, the goal doesn't seem to have shaken them, in fact they seem more determined than ever, as they kick off Giovanni Lopez is making strides through the midfield, he gets past Chris Saunders and Gordon, Lemkes is coming out to close him down, but he passes it to Raphaelo who's through on goal, he shoots and oh Stone manages to tip it over the bar, its gone for a corner, I think it will be Virgil Ernesto to take the corner, yes he's going to take the corner, he swings it in, but Stone comes out and safely claims it as his own, and sends it back up the pitch, to Gordon who tries to break on the counter, but Giovanni Lopez takes back possesion for Starblaydia, and sends it back to the waiting players and Starblaydia have got Qutar outnumbered but Virgil Ernesto goes for the shot, what a save by Stone there, how did he pull that one off, well the crowd are loving his athletic display of goalkeeping, and so am I. It seems that both teams have tightened up things in the midfield and defence, with neither team getting through with any real chances on goal, and we are about forty minutes into the match, and Qutar seem to have relaxed a bit with only five minutes remaining, but its seems it might cost them as Virgil Ernesto has broken through and he's got support in the form of Raphaelo and Giovanni Lopez, and he sees Giovanni Lopez making a move, he passes to him, oh he's got past Kelly, he's on goal, but Stone is coming out, Giovanni Lopez chips the ball over Stone, its hit the crossbar, and its coming back out, Raphaelo is running in and hits it home, oh no Starblaydia have equalised things on the stroke of half time, where was Stone's defence?

As the teams come out for the second half, we can only wonder at what Paul Dove had to say to his players letting Starblaydia equalise on the stroke of half time. The momentum will be with Starblaydia and Qutar really need to push forward and put the game beyond Starblaydia reach.

Its Qutar to start the second half off and Ali gets things started by passing to Siese, who makes a move forward but has lost possesion to Virgil Ernesto, who is making a move forward, and he has got support, he spots Raphaelo in space, he moves forward and gets past Kelly, and sees Giovanni Lopez in space, passes the ball to him, and hes fires a shot in, Stone got his fingertips to it, its hit the post and rolled in, oh cruel fate, the woodwork in this stadium has something against Qutar!! Starblaydia now lead 2-1....

Chris Saunders is really going to have to pull his team together, to come back from this, and he's having a talk with the team while Starblaydia are celebrating, lets hope he can get his team back in focus.

Qutar start the match off again, and Siese starts making a move forward which Ali spots, and gives him the ball, and Siese it slicing through their midfield, he's outside the box he about to shoot, but Leopoldo Lopez lunges in with a two-footed tackle, and oh Siese looks like he's in a lot of pain, and the Qutari players are converging on Leopoldo Lopez, and Chris Saunders is having hold back Ali, who really is being taunted by Leopoldo Lopez, and the referee has finally come over, and promptly books Leopoldo Lopez for the challenge on Siese, and cautions Ali over his reaction to the tackle. Siese is being taken off the pitch on a stretcher, his holding his leg, and in a lot of pain at the moment. It looks like James Lemkes is to replace Siese, yes James Lemkes is coming on the replace the injured Siese. Now that the air has cleared from the foul, Chris Saunders will take the free kick from just outside the box, he drills it in, but oh its hit the crossbar, but its come back out and James Lemkes latches on to in, but its deflected off a defender for a corner. It will be Tomlin to take the corner, he gets it in and onto the head of James Lemkes, but oh just over the bar for a goal kick. Its about twenty minutes into the second half and the momentum is definately on Qutar's side its just a matter of time till they score the equaliser, and its Parker on the ball at the moment, hes running down the right flank dancing past Jaime Oberlander, and he puts on a burst of pace and gets past Danzir Garahildim, and he gets a cross into Ali who's waiting in the box, he puts a brilliant header down to the bottom left corner of the goal, and its beaten the keeper!!!! Qutar have Equalised!!! The fans are going wild, and an eerie silence comes from Starblaydia side of the stadium.

Starblaydia start the match off again with the game all square but with the momentum definately on Qutar's side, and they have lost possesion allready, Gordon taking possesion of the ball, and spotting Tomlin making a run down the left wing, he gets it into James Lemkes, who heads it, but only so far as Jim Giovanni Lopez's hands. He launches the ball into Qutar's half in a deperate bid to move his players forward, but it only goes so far as Chris Saunders, who immediatly moves forward, and the Qutari midfield are surgeing forward, stringing pass after pass, Chris Saunders to Gordon, Gordon to Parker, Parker to Tomlin, Tomlin to Ali, and Ali shoots its a goal!!! Qutar are in the lead 3-2!!, the crowd has gone wild, and oh not again! The goal has been disallowed for Ali being in an offside position. Lets look at the replay when he makes his run, oh he's is fractionally offside and I can only barely make out he is on the slowed down replay, how on earth did the lineman know, he should have given the benefit of the doubt, and thats certainly what the Qutari fans think. We're nearing the end of play, and it seems that Starblaydia are trying to hold out till extra time when they can regroup but I don't see Qutar allowing that, and they're making another move forward and we're in the last couple of minutes, and James Lemkes has got the ball see's Ali making a run, he gives it to Ali, he gets past Virgil Ernesto, now he's past Jaime Oberlander, he got Leopoldo Lopez and Danzir Garahildim coming in for the tackle, but he skips over the tackle, he one on one with the goalkeeper, he hits the ball one way and runs the other round the goalkeeper, goes back to collect the ball, and hits it home, what a goal to win the final with!! What a goal!! And the crowd is going crazy as Ali runs round the staduim in celebration, around The Islands of Qutar in all the parks, pubs, and peoples home, everyone is celebrating. We've done it!!! The referee blows his whistle to make it official, We have beaten Starblaydia! 3rd in the world


The Islands of Qutar 3 (1) - (1) 2 Starblaydia
Ali, 6, 67, 90 Raphaelo, 45
C.Giovanni Lopez, 47

Mystery Illness Spreads Through Qutar Camp

After our impressive win you'd think our players would be feeling pretty great at the moment, but you'd be wrong almost every player who playing in that match has gone down ill of an unknown stomach bug. With the bug leaving them doubling up from the pain, the next match may be out of the question if they don't get over the bug soon. The Qutar Football Association have drafted in new players from back in Qutar to play in the match against Eauz. If this bug doesn't clear up the likely lineup will be:

GK: Geriant Kozel (Club::Arun City, Age::20)
DEF: Dominic Kelly (Club::Cëre United, Age::21)
DEF: Jean-Paul (Club::Ryde United, Age::21)
DEF: Norman Ward (Club::Ryde United, Age::21)
DEF: Sam Wildgoose (Club::Badock Hall, Age::16)
MID: Richard White (Club::Fareham, Age::27)
MID: John Wilson(Club::Salford Rovers, Age::24)
MID: Harry Martin (Club::Boundary Oak, Age::25)
MID: Jim McFarlane (Club::Salford Rovers, Age::22)
ATK: Justin Hawkes (Club::Ryde United, Age::21)
ATK: Ben Kennedy (Club::Fareham, Age::22)

[OOC: This is based on a hosts' dispute that actually happened on IRC after Oli posted the scores and I asked what the tiebreaker was.]

thsd:NEWS

And So To Bed
by Rami Niblick in Yupo

THE Aces must be sick of the sight of green shirts by now. Three games they have played, and all of them against opposition wearing verdant fabric. This time though, the spoile were shared, as they drew with Giant Zucchini two-all.

The drama though, came after the match.With only one minute of stoppage time, Krytenia's match finished slightly before the Tadjikistan-Commerce Heights game. News filtered through that the Tigers were leading four-one, putting both Krytenia and the Heights on four points; cue mad celebrations from the men in sky and navy blue and their superior goal difference. Or so they thought. An Oliverrian official notified them that the tiebreaker for teams level on points was in fact head-to-head results, and that Commerce Heights were through. Confusion reigned. Another official corrected the Oliverrian, and after a few minutes pontificating - stopping short of calling the organisers or SDB - they finally announced that Krytenia were, indeed, in second place in the group.

And so, back to the green shirts. This time, they will be partially adorned with blue, and worn by the Lions of Bedistan. This will be the first time the two neighbours have met in anger since the qualifiers for World Cup 20, when the Lions won both matches.

The Divided City
by Lisa Schiavo in Washington

ON the Bedistan-Krytenia border lies a sprawling metropolis. I stand here, as I write, in Washington's "Krytenian Quarter", a small portion of Bedistan that is forever sky and navy blue. The bars in this place will be buzzing for Tuesday night's thrilling encounter, and let's not forget, Krytenia have only ever been knocked out at this stage by Sarzonia. Whatever the result though, this city will be celebrating.

GIANT ZUCCHINI - 2
Rilke 51
Chekhov 63

KRYTENIA - 2
Keda 37
Kennedy 70

SCORERS
G. Kennedy - 12 (incl. 7 in finals)
R. Spivey - 9 (incl. 2 in finals
K. Keda - 4 (incl. 2 in finals)
C. Blannix - 2
A. Pedroso - 2
J. Jaffacake-Phillips - 1
C. Stevenson - 1
J. Terezzi - 1

SCHEDULE:
MD1: H v FBR W 6-0 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD2: A v NVO W 2-1
MD3: H v SPA W 4-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham, CP)
MD4: A v HCN W 2-1
MD5: A v FSX W 2-0
MD6: H v WEE D 2-2 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD7: BYE - NO GAME
MD8: A v FBR D 3-3
MD9: H v NVO D 0-0 (Lays Road Ground, Leston, LS)
MD10: A v SPA L 1-2
MD11: H v HCN L 0-1 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD12: H v FSX W 2-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson, OU)
MD13: A v WEE L 0-3
MD14: BYE - NO GAME

R1M1: A v COM L 4-5 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M2: N v TDJ W 5-2 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M3: N v GZU D 2-2 (Capitalizm, Yupo, COM)
RND2: N v BDS ????? (Cirto Seaside Stadium, Cirto, COM)

"Apparently, 17 hours of practice wasn't enough. We should have practiced for 18, maybe 19 hours!" said Coach Manni Aka, who was upset about their 2-0 loss to the number one team in the World Sarzonia. What the media didn't tell Aka was that the chances of The Kazoo Peoples of scoring a goal, drawing, or even winning were actually negative percentages.

"That's impossible," said local crazy man, theorist, and statistician Donald McRonald, "You can't have negative percents. It doesn't make any sense."

Precisely. The Kazoos chances were less than zero.

"I was pleased that we... uh, ... only allowed two goals yesterday," said Aka, struggling to find a compliment for his team. "Johnson really took control, allowing 2 of 11 shots on goal.
"But we also need to improve all aspects of our game: we were outshot 19-8 (11-4 on goal), and more importantly, we were outscored 2-0."

But Aka did find reason to complain, as he proceeded to argue the officiating:

"There was one offside call that altered the game significantly. Perknowleski was advancing at a breakneck speed, and was passed the ball. He was not in an offside position, and scored a goal. The assistant referee ruled that he was offside, and nullified the goal. I have conclusive video evidence that this call was absurd. But since it wouldn't have affected the outcome, my request to show this video has been refused. I'd just like a goal, you know?!?"

"For the Kazoos to qualify for the Round of 16, without knowing the result of Oliverry-Lovisa, I have concluded the following:" said Donald McRonald as he sat at a table in a local donut shop.

"If Oliverry won or drew today, we can't qualify. However, Oliverry probably did this, as they are at home, so really we have no chance.

"If Oliverry lost today, we have one and only one hope. The Kazoos must win their game over Lovisa, Oliverry must lose to Sarzonia, and the Kazoos must finish above Oliverry in terms of goal difference. Very unlikely, but we ended up in the finals on a 2/27 chance, so, um, we can do it again, right?"

In a related qualification story, Manni Aka announced he would sit his regulars and play his backups if they have no hopes for qualification.

"I'm gonna put in my son, Manni Aka, Jr. if we can't qualify."

"But he's only 6! Surely you worry for his safety?"

"Yes, but he needs the experience if we want to be competitive in the future."

Kazoos progress in WC26:

MD1: loss to Casari 1-0, away
MD2: draw with Turori 1-1, home
MD3: win over Hiiraan 3-1, home
MD4: OFF
MD5: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, home
MD6: draw with Rolatia 2-2, home
MD7: win over Swilatia 3-0, away
---
MD8: draw with Casari 0-0, home
MD9: draw with Turori 2-2, away
MD10: draw with Hiiraan 1-1, away
MD11: Friendly: loss to Schiavonia 2-0, home
MD12: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, away
MD13: loss to Rolatia 2-1, away
MD14: win over Swilatia 3-1, home
MD15: loss to Oliverry 1-0, Jean Angleton Garden, Oliverry
MD16: loss to Sarzonia 2-0, Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
MD17: vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale

SCHEDULE, RESULTS:

Qualifying:
Matchday 1:

HOME AWAY
Turori 4:0 Rolatia
Casari 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 2:1 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 2:

HOME AWAY
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:0 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 3:

HOME AWAY
Turori 3:3 Swilatia
Casari 1:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 3:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 4:

HOME AWAY
Casari 1:1 Turori
Hiiraan 3:2 Yafor 2
Rolatia 0:0 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples does not play

Matchday 5:

HOME AWAY
Hiiraan 5:2 Turori
Rolatia 0:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 6:

HOME AWAY
Turori 0:0 Yafor 2
Swilatia 4:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 7:

HOME AWAY
Casari 5:3 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:1 Rolatia
Swilatia 0:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play

Matchday 8:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Rolatia
Casari 0:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 0:0 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 9:

AWAY HOME
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:1 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 10:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:2 Swilatia
Casari 0:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 11:

AWAY HOME
Casari 1:3 Turori
Hiiraan 3:1 Yafor 2
Rolatia 2:2 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples do not play a World Cup 26 game today,
but they have a friendly:
Schiavonia 2:0 Kazoo Peoples, at Kazoo City Kola Stadium

Matchday 12:

AWAY HOME
Hiiraan 1:2 Turori
Rolatia 1:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 13:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Yafor 2
Swilatia 2:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 1:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 14:

AWAY HOME
Casari 2:1 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:2 Rolatia
Swilatia 1:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play
---
World Cup Finals
Matchday 1 (15):
Oliverry 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia 3:2 Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 2 (16):
Oliverry vs Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia 2:0 The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 3 (17):
Oliverry vs Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Lovisa vs The Kazoo Peoples at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Group H Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 6 2 0 0 5:2 3
Oliverry 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
3. Lovisa 0 0 0 1 2:3 -1
The Kazoo Peoples 0 0 0 3 0:3 -3

Another Own Goal!
Episode 15: Last Episode

Once again Mr. Couch Person is slumped in front of the TV. He’s a little disappointed but still obviously rather satisfied.

“…and the final whistle blows here, yet another gallant performance by the team in green. In fact they gave Krytenia a good scare with their 2 goals in the second half putting them ahead, Rilke’s lob from outside the area equalizing in the 51st minute, before Chekhov’s left footed shot slipped under Barcali to give the Zucchinis an unexpected lead just after the 60 minute mark. However, Krytenia are not a footballing force for nothing and Gabriel Kennedy once again showed his prowess in front of goal as he turned in a good cross from the left to equalize and guarantee Krytenia a spot in the knockout stages…”

To be continued…


Giant Zucchini’s Department of Number Crunching and Data Spewing presents:

Match stats:

Giant Zucchini – 2
Rilke (51), Chekhov (63)

Krytenia – 2
Keda (37), Kennedy (70)


Giant Zucchini stats:

Top Goalscorers:
Johann Rilke – 9
Fra di ser Tartini - 3
Absamat Chekhov – 3
Armand Boyer – 2
Gottlieb Poulsen – 2
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Mikhail Glinka – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1
Boudewijn Brugghen – 1

Yellow Cards:
Dino Nuvolari – 2
Domingo Ferrero – 1
Armand Boyer – 1
Gottlieb Poulsen – 1
Bobby Laredo – 1
Arturo Bardi – 1

Red Cards:
Mikhail Glinka – 1

Late score from Matchday 2 of the World Cup 26 Group Stage:

Lovisa 4:0 Oliverry

The group standings are as follows:

Group H Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 6 2 0 0 5:2 3
2. Lovisa 3 1 0 1 6:3 3
3. Oliverry 3 1 0 1 1:4 -3
4. The Kazoo Peoples 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3

Qualification Scenarios:

Sarzonia: QUALIFIED FOR KNOCKOUT STAGE; can clinch first place with win or draw on matchday 3. A loss can also net them first, providing Oliverry beats them by two or fewer.

Lovisa: A win coupled with a Oliverry draw or loss qualifies them. A win and an Oliverrian win makes a three-way tie, and it goes to goal difference.

Oliverry: A win and a Lovisa loss or draw qualifies them. A draw and a Lovisa loss qualifies them. A loss and a Lovisa loss sends the whole thing to goal difference.

Kazoos: A win by coupled with an Oliverry loss qualifies them. Oh, wait, did we forget that the win had to be by 4? No? Well, it does. But, hey, if Lovisa defeated Oliverry 4-0, we can too, right?

ISLANDERS Succumb once again

Cataduanes fell to Audioslavia 3-1, despite a brave stand the 'slaves superior experience and quality shone through, however the Islanders can be proud with there performance despite having no hope of qualifying.

Carlos Guarin was impressive proving to be real handful for the Audioslaves defence but the Islanders defence seem unable to cope with Audioslaves counter attacking wingers and forward Vitalis who went on to score a hattrick, however this was a match with its share of controversy when Guarin was felled in the box but the referee failed to award a penalty much to Coach Manua's disgust who proceeded to tell the fourth official exactly what he thought, at the post match press conference Coach Manua went out to praise Audioslavia as well as his own side, and the chain smoking coach remains enthusiatic about the last match in the tournament aganist Hockey Canada where the islanders will be playing for pride.

Cataduanes 1 (Gaurin 81)
Audioslavia 3 (Vitalis 57, 64, 89)

Total n Utter Upset!

Sure bigger and better things have happened, but this has been a very big upset in World Cup 27. Hockey Canada pulled off yet another surprise by beating group favourites Total n Utter Insanity 1-0 in the dying moments of the match yesterday. Stellar play by goalkeeper Kyle Thomas and defenders repelled the Insanician attack to next to nothing. Thomas ended up scoring the game-winning goal in the 88th minute in a desperate attack for a free kick.

The Canucks now face the Cataduanes Islanders in tonight's game. We're hoping the Canucks can muster a win or hope Audioslavia beats Total n Utter Insanity to stay in contention for a second round spot in the World Cup.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Insanicians slip, 'Slaves in Pole
One point needed for qualification

Total 'n Utter Insanity's lesson in how not to handle Karela last night, where they battered the Hockey Canada team only to succumb to a breakaway goal and lose 1-0.

The result means that TnUI drop down from first to third on three points, a point behind their MD2 conquerers Hockey Canada and their general conquerers Audioslavia, who have both attained four points thanks to a win and a draw each. The 'slaves sit on top by virtue of having won their match 3-1 as opposed to 1-0.

The final matchday sees the tie of the round as the 'Slaves play the Insanicians, and sees Cataduanes vie to get some credibility against the fiercely Karelan Hockey Canada. Cataduanes are already out, but heres how things stand for the other three teams.

Audioslavia: Can lose and still progress but only if their loss is not by too much of a greater margin than Hockey Canada's defeat should the Canucks lose to Cataduanes. A draw would see the 'slaves progress, whilst a win should see them secure top spot

Hockey Canada: Like the 'slaves, Hockey Canada can still go through with a loss, but only if Audioslavia win. If they do lose and the Insanicians grab a point, then TnUI will go through on goal difference. A win would definately get a place in the top two, as will a draw. To top the group they need to out-score the 'slaves in a good win.

Total 'n Utter Insanity:
A point behind the top two, TnUI must win to ensure qualification. A draw could also see them progress, but only if Hockey Canada succumb to Cataduanes.

Sitting on top of the group, the 'slaves are in the best position, but any kind of mistake in the TnUI game could spoil everything and continue the transitional period that the 'slaves are going through.

IBJJ, G'NB

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/MetroWashington.png
The Washington metropolitan area, with detail on the Bedistani side of the border shown. Linford is one of the so-called Outer Cities of Krytenia, and all the Krytenian land shown here was originally Bedistani, ceded to Krytenia in the 2070s during negotiations over the Outer Cities shortly after Bedistan's arrival in Atlantian Oceania.

Never had there been more excitement over a football game in Bedistan, not even in the days of the "Big Three" of the Bedistan Premier League. Sure, the Bedistan national team had played teams from neighboring nations before. But no part of Bedistan was more bonded with a neighboring nation than the city of Washington. Much of the Washington metropolitan area was part of Krytenia, and Bedistanis and Krytenians regularly mingled with each other in great quantities every day there.

But now friends were to become enemies. The results were in, Bedistan had topped Group C of the World Cup 26 group stage and Krytenia had finished second in Group D. The second round would see the Lions and the Aces face off against each other. From Hundon to Perry Hall to Paradise to Linford, excitement was in the air. Whoever won, there was going to be a lot of celebration...and a lot of anger.

Much like the scores from groups A–D, matchday 3 scores for groups E–H (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=10421679&postcount=20) have been posted, not TGed. Second round fixtures have also been posted.

The Oliverrian team wins against the number 1 ranked team but gets eliminated

Oliverry won 1-0 against Sarzonia, a very defensive game even if the formation was a 2-3-5 for Oliverry. The game was boring after the first half. But a goal past Sandt by Robert Auguste at the 56th minute after a great pass play put the score at 1-0. The Oliverrian squad kept pressing and their efforts were finally gifted as they won 1-0. Jean-Alan Bellemort was the Man of the match. "That was such a good game. He said. The goal was nice and I congratulate Robert for it. He should have won the Man of the match. And we couldn't do better to thank a coach like John than winning a game against the best team in the world?"

Jonathan Fairbanks was happy about this win. We asked him in French and he answered in French as well: "Je suis content de les party et de les victouaires de l'équipe.(It means I am happy about the game and the win of the team). We needed a win and we did. Now, we'll be watching the Lovisa-The Kazoo People game that is starting in about 20 minutes. You can watch it with su if you want." We accepted the offer, naturally.

We also interviewed the scorer of the winning goal, Robert Auguste. He told us that his goal was a lucky one: "The goaltender did a mistake on that one when he decided to go on the ground. I only had to shoot in the top of the net to score the goal! And having more than fourty thousands people in the crowd chanting after the goal was satisfying."

After that, the team went to watch the Lovisa-The Kazoo People game on the TV. After the game was over, we interviewed again Jonathan Fairbanks to know about his feelings: "I am frankly deceived. Lovisa doesn't have that much of a team, but they won 4-1 against the Kazoo People. Sure, the Kazoo People don't have a good team as well, but we saw clearly that they player much better than Lovisa in that game. Anyway, that eliminates us right?" I noded. He answered "CRAP" and he got frustrated against the TV, which is now at the dump.

For Jean-Alan Bellemort, that elimination is a shame: "We are eliminated... This is incredible. I all did this for nothing... The fans will be mad, I can tell you. This is impossible to believe."

When we went to the stands, we were shocked by the number of Oliverrian fans there were to a game that didn't have Oliverry in it. After the loss, many Oliverrian fans were frustrated and started to insult the Lovisan team, which had no reaction. But, when The Kazoo People's team came back on the field for a good bye run, everyone applauded and supported the team.

We interviewed one of those fans: "Les Lovisiens sont pourris. On va supporter n'importe quelle équipe qui va jouer contre eux."(Lovisans are jerks. We will support any team that will play against them). Another fan said: "Maintenant, je supporte Hockey Canada. GO HOCKEY CANADA!!"(Now I'm supporting Hockey Canada. GO HOCKEY CANADA!). A third fan had this to say: "Fairbanks, té un hostie de bon coach! Continue comme ça! On va gagner la prochaine fois, décourage toé pas!"(Fairbanks, you're a slani good coach! Continue like this, we will win next time, don't be ashamed). That tells us about the atmosphere in Oliverry after the loss.

Oliverrians in other countries are mad also!
The Oliverrians living in foreign countries are also mad at the loss. Let's check in other countries how the news was received. First, let's start by Limbrogidlia.

Limbrogidlia:
Limbrogidlians were shocked by the news that the Oliverrian national team didn't qualify. In Ennemy City, many people were not happy and even started a riot that didn't stop before the dawn of the day. A fan had this to say: "Those motherfucking Lovisans will not be happy. Our gods will send badluck all over them".

Hockey Canada:
The news was not well received in the Oliverrian communities of Hockey Canada. These Oliverrians will support Hockey Canada for World Cup 26.

Eauz:
The news was also not well received, but, they were less aggressive, maybe because of the va'karela'ny installed everywhere by the government. But the Oliverrians were sad for sure.

Jean Latraverse, Marshalliston Sun

"Well, at least we got a goal."

That's all Manni Aka could say, as his team dropped the third straight in the Group H matches, and, unfortunately for the Kazoos, the last of World Cup 26.

"Next World Cup, we'll bring it, that's for sure," said Coach Manni Aka. "We were an underdog from the beginnning, and just to advance to the Finals is absolutely stunning. I am disappointed that we got whomped so badly, though."

As Lovisa scored 3 goals in the first 15 minutes, Manni Aka said "we have no hope," and he allowed his reserves to take the field. It seemed that Lovisa allowed the goal, as their goalkeeper stepped aside, as 42-year-old Sweeny tapped it in. The goal was to be the only one all Group stage.

For some, it was their first game in international competition. For others, it was their last.

Two players announced their retirements after the game today, as Mike Sweeny, age 42, and Mozzarella Munster, aged 32, said that they were hanging up their robes of blue and orange.

Sweeny, holding back tears, said that "he really was pleased with the way this year went." And that he was "getting too old for this." He also wished "the best of luck to the Kazoos in the years to come."

Mozzarella Munster, though not in tears, said three words after announcing his retirement: "FEAR... THE... KAZOO...! FEAR... THE... KAZOO! FEAR.. THE.. KAZOO!" The reporters at the conference began to chant with him: "FEAR. THE. KAZOO! FEAR THE KAZOO! FEAR THE KAZOO! FEAR THE KAZOO!" General cheers erupted, and the national anthem was sung, though very off-key. "FEAR THE KAZOO" is the newly-developed motto of the soccer team, as created by the Ministry of Sport.

The question still remains, as next year's World Cup* approaches: "Who will replace Midfielder Sweeny and Defender Munster?"

Local crazy person Donald McRonald had a few options:

"For defense, I like the experience of 27-year-old Monte Carlico Matadors Cort Izzone. Though his multiple knee surgeries may slow him down some, his leadership will ultimately help the team.

"For midfielder, I like rising star of the Untitled Understudies, 19-year-old Mohr Ganfreeman. His unique voice allows for better team communication."

FINAL STANDINGS:
(it wasn't pretty)
Group H Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Lovisa 6 2 0 1 10:4 6
2. Sarzonia 6 2 0 1 5:3 2
3. Oliverry 6 2 0 1 2:4 -2
4. The Kazoo Peoples 0 0 0 3 1:7 -6

Kazoos progress in WC26:

MD1: loss to Casari 1-0, away
MD2: draw with Turori 1-1, home
MD3: win over Hiiraan 3-1, home
MD4: OFF
MD5: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, home
MD6: draw with Rolatia 2-2, home
MD7: win over Swilatia 3-0, away
MD8: draw with Casari 0-0, home
MD9: draw with Turori 2-2, away
MD10: draw with Hiiraan 1-1, away
MD11: Friendly: loss to Schiavonia 2-0, home
MD12: draw with Yafor 2 1-1, away
MD13: loss to Rolatia 2-1, away
MD14: win over Swilatia 3-1, home
MD15: loss to Oliverry 1-0, Jean Angleton Garden, Oliverry
MD16: loss to Sarzonia 2-0, Jean Angleton Garden, Oliverry
MD17: loss to Lovisa 4-1, at Pepsioli Stadium, Oliverry

FINAL RECORD: 3-7-5; 19 Goals For, 20 Goals Against; -1 Goal Difference
Including friendly: 3-7-6; 19 Goals For, 22 Goals Against; -3 Goal Difference

SCHEDULE, RESULTS:

Qualifying:
Matchday 1:

HOME AWAY
Turori 4:0 Rolatia
Casari 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 2:1 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 2:

HOME AWAY
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:0 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 3:

HOME AWAY
Turori 3:3 Swilatia
Casari 1:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 3:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 4:

HOME AWAY
Casari 1:1 Turori
Hiiraan 3:2 Yafor 2
Rolatia 0:0 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples does not play

Matchday 5:

HOME AWAY
Hiiraan 5:2 Turori
Rolatia 0:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 6:

HOME AWAY
Turori 0:0 Yafor 2
Swilatia 4:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 7:

HOME AWAY
Casari 5:3 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:1 Rolatia
Swilatia 0:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play

Matchday 8:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Rolatia
Casari 0:0 The Kazoo Peoples
Yafor 2 0:0 Swilatia

Hiiraan does not play

Matchday 9:

AWAY HOME
The Kazoo Peoples 2:2 Turori
Swilatia 1:1 Casari
Hiiraan 1:1 Rolatia

Yafor 2 does not play

Matchday 10:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:2 Swilatia
Casari 0:1 Yafor 2
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Hiiraan

Rolatia does not play

Matchday 11:

AWAY HOME
Casari 1:3 Turori
Hiiraan 3:1 Yafor 2
Rolatia 2:2 Swilatia

The Kazoo Peoples do not play a World Cup 26 game today,
but they have a friendly:
Schiavonia 2:0 Kazoo Peoples, at Kazoo City Kola Stadium

Matchday 12:

AWAY HOME
Hiiraan 1:2 Turori
Rolatia 1:2 Casari
The Kazoo Peoples 1:1 Yafor 2

Swilatia does not play

Matchday 13:

AWAY HOME
Turori 1:1 Yafor 2
Swilatia 2:1 Hiiraan
The Kazoo Peoples 1:2 Rolatia

Casari does not play

Matchday 14:

AWAY HOME
Casari 2:1 Hiiraan
Yafor 2 1:2 Rolatia
Swilatia 1:3 The Kazoo Peoples

Turori does not play
---
World Cup Finals
Matchday 1 (15):
Oliverry 1:0 The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia 3:2 Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 2 (16):
Oliverry 0:4 Lovisa at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Sarzonia 2:0 The Kazoo Peoples at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

Matchday 3 (17):
Oliverry 1:0 Sarzonia at Jean Angleton Garden, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry
Lovisa 4:1 The Kazoo Peoples at Pepsioli Stadium, Marshalliston, Capitale, Oliverry

*World Cups in TKP are only a year apart. Therefore, players age only a year inbetween each Cup.

ISLANDERS SUNK


Cataduanes failed to make an impact on the Canucks whose defensive style of play frustrated any attempts by Cataduanes to play there passing game, in a dour match the Islanders conceded a late goal by Rahul Kulkarni during a late counter attack, it was an ill tempered affair with no less than 5 yellow cards being handed out and Cataduanes midfileder Chiavicano being sent off in the 90th minute for dissent, The islanders will remain to watch the tournament before returning home in time to begin pre season training for the forthcoming domestic leagues, the 'Seleccion' (the national side) will now be looking to the long term preparations for the WC27 tournament. The Cataduanes FA has confirmed that the popular Jose Manua will be retained as coach for Islanders. Yet despite failing to win any points during the group stages the Islanders can take heart from there performances and can be content they have the potential to reach the next WC.

Pschyches Eliminated

A draw against Oaker isn't enough and the Pschychoes lose out on goal difference

What's the point.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-2 Oaker

The Schiavone Scribe
WE DON'T CARE!
Spruitland 5-0 Schiavonia

Yes, Schiavonia lost 5-0 last night against Spruitland. Awful, huh?

Well, to be fair, it has been coming. For a team that have come so far in such a short space of time, it was more than due that someone would turn over the Sloths.

And who better than Spruitland? The Wabbits had a point to prove after being thrashed by the Ignoramuses in their last game.

Maybe the Sloths felt sorry for them a bit, too. I mean, you wouldn't like to lose five-nil to Liverpool England, would you?

Still, if the Sloths had managed a draw, they would have beaten the Ignoramuses into the next round, but it wasn't to be.

Being three nil down in six minutes doesn't help. Neither does being down to ten men before half time, when Filipo Schiavone decided that someone in the crowd "looked like they were from Liverpool England", and decided to wallop the "picky *******"

Anyway, 5-0 it ended. Though effectively, it ended before half time, but another goal went in even when the Wabbits were taking it easy in the second half.

Sadly, Schiavonia didn't concede enough goals to knock out Liverpool England on goal difference, so they follow the rampant Fmjphoenix Vikings into the next stage.

Final score
Spruitland 5 (Jools 36 secs, 39, Trouwel 3, Van Dyck 6, Provoost 53)
Schiavonia 1 (Schiavone S/O 40)

Group F Pl W D L F A Pts GD
1. Fmjphoenix 3 3 0 0 9 3 9 +6
2. Liverpool England 3 1 0 2 6 5 3 +1
3. Spruitland 3 1 0 2 6 8 3 -2
4. Schiavonia 3 1 0 2 2 7 3 -5


Ignoramuses Sue Ford

No, not a woman called Sue Ford. No, what has happened, in fact, is that numerous Liverpool English have filed legal proceedings against professional defendant and part-time SFF chief Michael Ford.

Yes, Ford has had charges pressed against him by SyLy for harassment, Gareth Dussis for defamination on his father's name and now, it seems, Rose Michelle Cannon for defamination of her grandfather's name.

However, after backing out of a number of cases on the advice of his lawyers, Marshall and Law, this time his lawyers have a case to back him up.

"You see, we are the best defence lawyers in Schiavonia, and have been for a couple of years now," said Graham Marshall of the firm. "In fact, it seems to have been since we were sent this blue glowy thing from some Rejistanian government agency."

"Anyway, we have Mr. Ford's defence almost fully prepared, and will be willing to take on the Liverpool Englanders in the Schiavone legal system," his business partner Paul Law interrupted. "Even if the offences that these Liverpool English are accusing our client were offences that would hold up in a Schiavone court, which they wouldn't, the fact is that Mr. Ford recognises the people he mentioned as great figures from their nation's history, and was simply comparing them to the shameful performance of their current crop of players."

"Still, if they want to carry on with proceedings, that's fine by us. But they've got no chance."

Jeruselem Government News

Hasta la vista Squornshelous

World Cup 26, Group E. We all know Jeruselem made it and will top Group E. Well, Guus fielded the "young" Jeruselem team of players who didn't get much play time at all. Wentland did much the same and did the result change. Not really! Young Jeruselem trashed Wentland 4-1 and emulated World Cup 24 again. Oh yes, Jeruselem will all their group stage games in one hit as usual. When we're hot, we are hot else we're just cold.

Squornshelous took on Oaker in a must win game. Jeruselem beat Oaker 2-1 and then Squornshelous 4-1. Which of these teams will stack up for the 2nd round and earn glory for the nation. The betting man would say Squornshelous. Oaker got a 2 ALL draw and due to goal difference took 2nd. It's the big time for Oakians.

Speaking of big time? Remember a Jeruselem bus driver came up with a new name for Liverpool England. The Philosophers became the Terminators, and LE are what they say. Guess who we meet in the 2nd round? Oh yes, it's the Terminators. The Crusader vs Terminators! Sounds like some contest or movie, but it's the next game for us.

Hey look at Group G. Did TnUI top it? NO.
Our friends Hockey Canada did. Two wins and a draw compared to TnUIs 2 wins and a loss (to the Canucks). Yes, Jeruselem and Hockey Canada have stepped up to say "WE ARE HERE".

Contrast the two teams in the group stage - Jeruselem with a 10:3 goal record against Canuck's 2:0. We score more goals than Fmjphoenix too. The Crusaders attack but sometimes concede goals - but when we score goals, it's usually more than one. The Canuck attack isn't so nasty, but try scoring against them. No goals conceded in the group stage. System Karela would be proud.

Second Round Fixtures
Commerce Heights (to be played Thursday) (stadia)
Game 01: Eauz vs Rejistania at CDA National Stadium
Game 02: Starblaydia vs Crystilakere at Auswärtssieg Arena
Game 03: Bedistan vs Krytenia at Cirto Seaside Stadium
Game 04: One Red Dot vs Tadjikistan at Sokojito Überdome

Oliverry (to be played Wednesday) (stadia)
Game 05: Jeruselem vs Liverpool England at Ennemies’ Complex
Game 06: Oaker vs Fmjphoenix at Le Stade Français de Perpignant
Game 07: Hockey Canada vs Sarzonia at Dôme de Saint-François
Game 08: Total n Utter Insanity vs Lovisa at Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche

Apart from our game, our pick of the 2nd is Hockey Canada vs Sarzonia. A great defensive team against a top seed who beat us last time. Nothing wrong with the other games - all teams are GOOD. They are here for a reason, whether it be a hot run, defense or just class.

Stars drop group finale, face Hockey Canada

With a sold-out crowd in Oliverry cheering against them, Sarzonia went into the final match against the host nation needing only a draw to clinch the Group H title and punch its ticket into the next round. However, Oliverry's Robert Auguste scored the only goal of the match to deprive Sarzonia on a night in which they thoroughly outplayed Oliverry.

Their slip up nearly cost them. Due to goal differential, the hosts lose out on a three-way tiebreaker for one of the three bids into the World Cup knockout stages and the Stars finish Group H in second place. Thus, instead of facing a team they have built up considerable animosity toward in Total 'n Utter Insanity, the Stars' Round of 16 opponent is Hockey Canada, a team the senior Stars have never faced.

"We need to remember what happened tonight for the rest of the World Cup," Coach Dave Wilson said. "We have got to do a better job of finishing our chances and we've got to make sure we take care of business or our trip to Oliverry will be a very short one."

The Stars (10-3-2 overall, 2-0-1 in Group H) lost a match for the first time in Wilson's second tenure with the team, but Wilson said the team was "already working" on Hockey Canada tapes and training.

"We've tried just about everything we can think of against va'karela," Wilson said. "The only thing we haven't tried is playing a strictly defensive formation and trying our luck in penalties against a team like Hockey Canada or Rejistania. We noticed that Praying2God were able to do that when they upset Rejistania and we can play a more defence-minded match."

"It'll be a big adjustment," goalkeeper Horace Sandt said. "But we're going to do what it takes to win and move on." The team has been training with a 4-5-1 formation in which forward Kevin Wilson moves to the bench in favour of midfielder Mike Cole. Dave Wilson said the move was not intended as a slight against his youngest son.

"For us to succeed with a five man midfield, we need to have someone who is comfortable in the midfield role and Kevin isn't as comfortable with that as I'd like," he said. "Kenny Cooper is a forward and can't really play midfielder. Brian Wilson can play midfield if we're in a pinch, but I'd rather not have him have to play in that role for 90 minutes. Besides," he added wryly, "we think we can confuse the Hockey Canadians if we have Mike Coyle and Mike Cole both in the starting 11."

The team that can't escape controversy has one more national crisis it is trying to rise above as it attempts to win its first World Cup since they walked off with the trophy in World Cup XXII. Recent comments by External Affairs personnel blasting a purported aid package by Hamptonshire and Pacitalia as "economic terrorism" have angered both nations as Sarzonia is wracked with its worst economic downturn in its history.

"We're just going to have to use our time at the training facility and inside the grounds as our time to concentrate on football and nothing else," Dave Wilson said. "It's nothing new."

Tigers win and move on

The Tadjiks were third in group D and still far from the second round, with one more game against Commerce Heights, a World Cup 26 host on the agenda. Things were certainly not looking good for the Tigers. In a place that can hold 400.000 people of which the majority were from Commerce Heights, the Tigers could only dream of a win.

But dreams often come true and so did this one. The Tadjiks gave it all they had and fought for every ball in every duel, driving for a 4-1 victory with the feet of Pliiev and his men as most important tools, whiping away a bad match on day two against Krytenia's Aces. The Tigers had made it to the next round with only one question remaining; first or second in group D?

The answer to this question came as the players had already returned to their lockerrooms, in fact the people at home probably knew it before the Tigers did. Giant Zucchini, the team that according to our reporters, would play an important role had drawn 2-2 against the Krytenians, giving away the first place to Tadjikistan. At first, there appears to have been some discussion as to which team would move on behind the Tigers, eventually this was cleared out, Krytenia could accompany the Tigers into the knockout stage.

Downstairs coach Bahrom Sadirov looked happy with his teams performance, and his next opponent :"Though I must admit that I know little of One Red Dot, I have a good feeling about this one. Our team did a great job here in Sokojito Dosi, winning against a hometeam. I am certain that we can win this one too. Offcourse we have to be careful with such statements, ORD is a highranked side and Krytenia has shown us on Matchday 2 here that the battle isnt fought until the ref blows his whistle. If it ends here, then thats fine, more time for a vacation and a new job."

Tadjikistan -4
Oleg Salenko '36, Yuli Mirdan '58, Michael Pliiev '60, Boris Zuhurov '72
Commerce Heights -1
Glen Head '44


Group D Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 6 2 0 1 9:7 2
2. Krytenia 4 1 1 1 11:9 2
3. Commerce Heights 4 1 1 1 9:11 -2
4. Giant Zucchini 2 0 2 1 6:8 -2


Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Race City W 3-0
MD2: Artoonia - Tadjikistan D 1-1
MD3: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 3-1
MD4: Jeruselem - Tadjikistan W 2-5
MD5: McPsychoville - Tadjikistan W 0-4
MD6: Tadjikistan - Milchama W 4-1
MD7: /
MD8: Race City - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD9: Tadjikistan - Artoonia W 4-1
MD10:Rordia - Tadjikistan L 3-0
MD11:Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 4-2
MD12:Tadjikistan - McPsychoville W 2-0
MD13:Milchama - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD14:/
---------------------World Cup 26 Group Stage------------------------------
MD1: Tadjikistan - Giant Zucchini W 3-1
MD2: Tadjikistan - Krytenia L 2-5
MD3: Tadjikistan - Commerce Heights W 4-1
---------------------1/16th finals-----------------------------------------
G4: One Red Dot - Tadjikistan ?-?

Tadjik goalscorers:
Salenko - 16
Saradov - 7
Zuhurov - 5
Pliiev - 5
Mirdan - 3
Ashurov - 2
Kornilov - 1
Gurchev - 1
Solehbayev - 1

Canucks pick up yet another win, Sarz' Stars up next

In a game which saw not too much offensive play, Hockey Canada easily beat Cataduanes in a 1-nil game. Much play was focused on the Hockey Canadian defence looking to stay solid for their 4th stright game not conceding a goal. Much of the defence can be credited but goalkeeper Kyle Thomas is certainly establishing himself as a power in the soccer world. The karelan style of play adopted from Rejistania is being credited by many other nations and for that Canuck fans are rejoicing.

Jeruselem fans in Hockey Canada are celebrating their perfect World Cup so far after picking up 9 points and preparing to face Liverpool England in the next round. There will be close security on the "Liverpool" name on the scoreboard due to the antics of U21WC18 when Hockey Canadians stole the "L" in "Liverpool" to say "Liverpoo England". Jeruselem will hopefully advance far in this World Cup and will hopefully meet up with the Canucks sooner or later in the tournement.

After the win against Total n Utter Insanity, Hockey Canada looked like they were in comfortable control on Group G and didn't disappoint against Cataduanes. For a team that was expected to fail horribly in the Group Stages, the Canucks are turning heads and gaining more fans. Some Hockey Canadians have even gone as far as to pay the government to allow them to travel north into Oliverry as to watch their game against Atlantian Oceania counterpart Sarzonia.

Group G Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Hockey Canada 7 2 1 0 2:0 2
2. Total n Utter Insanity 6 2 0 1 7:3 4
3. Audioslavia 4 1 1 1 4:5 -1
4. Cataduanes 0 0 0 3 2:7 -5
The Canucks atop Group G

Group E Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Jeruselem 9 3 0 0 10:3 7
2. Oaker 4 1 1 1 7:6 1
3. Squornshelous 4 1 1 1 5:7 -2
4. Wentland 0 0 0 3 4:10 -6
Crusaders crusading the points in Group E

Sarzonia has always been far and away superior to the Canucks since Hockey Canadian soccer began. After hours of study in Sarzonian, Rejistanian and Starblaydi soccer, the Canucks have devised a plan to try and outmatch the Sarzonians in a fast, yet physical style of play. The average height of the Hockey Canadian team is 6 foot 1, and weight is 189 lbs. Hockey Canadians have been using size and defence alone as intimidation instead of physical play, let alone playing soccer.

The Sarzonia Stars have been training karela and Hockey Canadian scouts have been studying the play. With all practices open at the World Cup, Hockey Canadians are studying other team's play as well to try and learn prematurely about other teams and their style of play.

"They're a good team. That's why they're the best in the world." Coach Toe Blake said in this 5th World Cup Campaign. "But we think we can put up a formidible match on the field."

The Canucks are going to try and match the Sarzonians at their own game by putting Rahul Kulkarni as the lone forward pulling Mike Ko Back to midfield to join Kulkarni if the moment requires. Syku Kansu will also be playing in place of John Cormack on defence instead of his usual place on forward as a substitute for Ko. The new formation will hopefully get the Sarzonians into a state of offence before the Canucks can counter-attack and cath the Stars off-guard.

The whole country has stopped everything to watch the game today. Most offices are closed while pubs and bars are making more business than ever. Children are even celebrating due to school cancellations in order to watch the game. Most of the children have even converted their favourite sport from hockey to soccer in order to play for what will hopefully become a soccer power in the world.

Хоккейная Канада v. Сарзония

These signs have been broadcasted all over Hockey Canada for everyone to see. Places which have it in green offer the game on TV. Blue has TV and food. Orange has TV, food and alcolhol while red has TV, food, alcolhol, party rooms and lodging for overnight partiers.

Hockey Canadians are praying for a Miracle on Grass. This is the farthest Hockey Canada has gotten in World Cup play while for Sarzonia we may just be a speedbump in their World Cup campaign. One thing for sure is that Hockey Canadians can expect a physical game providing entertainment.

The substitutes played a good match - for their standard. Reporters would later describe it as 'dragging Crystilakere down on their level and beating them with experience' even though it was no beating. It was a "MilKa" (milhan karela==scoreless draw). The Rejistanians left the match happily, it was 1 point more than expected, of course mainly due to the experience with defending. The Rejistanians did expect party like this is the day before toheri and then go to their jobs... they did not expect "maniac" to jump up and down like an enormous rubber ball shouting something in seleken. He shows the radio, he was looking at. The sound was off, but the station information stream was shown. What it said was: "Rejistania - Crystilakere 0ja0 | New Montreal States - Praying2God 4ja1 | LA'KANVALI! LA'KANVALI! LA'KANVALI! | Il'ausu Sike tani'mesit!" At this time, the Rejistanians stared and at the radio, which continued the same text in Hitoni. The team first looked shocked at the radio then Isilyi'he just shouted incoherently for joy and the rest of the team joined in. The Orange-Blues advanced into the round of 16.

Vikings drop four past the Terminators, prepare to face Oaker

With qualification for the second round on the line, the Vikings needed to come out with everything against the top ranked team in the group, Liverpool England. The Terminators and Vikings have been quite familiar with each other, as this is now their sixth meeting since World Cup 24. Just like the last meeting in the first round of World Cup 25, this match is the decider for the top spot in qualification, and just like Worlc Cup 25, the Vikings managed to pull out on top being paced by Mike Nolan, who scored the first two goals of the match as the Vikings defeated Liverpool England 4-1 and finished on top of Group F with a clean 3-0-0 record for 9 points.

With qualification on the line, both teams came out blazing, amassing an amazing 13 shots attempted within the first 10 minutes. To no suprise, the match quickly came to a 1-1 draw, with Nolan drawing first blood, scoring with a powerful strike in the 3rd minute. But two minutes later Anthony Langer answered back with a powerful strike of his own, neatly mimmicking Nolan's shot with his goal in the upperleft corner of the net. But very quickly, the offensive prowess of the Vikings took over, and they pulled away. Brian Dougood took a penetly shot after a tripping foul on Danny Hauser dropped Andrew Jenkins to the ground. Then not even five minutes later, Siieranu Ijanaeil headed a beautiful cross from Laura Boyd to the right side of the goal, just past a diving Adam Carrero to increase the lead to 3-1 by only the 30th minute. The rest of the first hald was primarily a possession battle, with the Terminators edging out the Vikings by olding the ball for about 10 minutes of the remaining 15. The second half did not sit too well for the Terminators, as the Vikings played a more defensive approach, playing back to preserve the lead. But Mike Nolan still had one more goal in him, as he took another great cross from Boyd and turned it into a great strike with a scissors kick that left Carrero baffled. With the match ending out at 4-1, the Terminators had to hold their breath as they waited for the report from the Spruitland/Schiavonia matchup. Luckily for them, the Wabbits were inable to score enough to overturn their massive goal difference even though they defeated Schiavonia 5-0.

Next up for the Vikings comes the Oaker Sharks. They have been quite since their suprise trip to the final in World Cup 22 where they lost to Sarzonia. Despite their quiet aproach, they have still stuck around to cause trouble for teams to come. Even though it will not be an easy matchup, Coach Wash feels confident for the team that they can produce and come up with another win. Only way to find out is to stay tuned and keep watching!

Fmjphoenix 4 - 1 Liverpool England
Nolan (3, 84) Dougood (14) Ijanaeil (18) - Langer (5)


Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
GSM1: Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland 3-1 Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
GSM2: Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia 2-1 Dôme de Saint-François
GSM3: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 4-1 Dôme de Saint-François
RO16: Fmjphoenix vs Oaker ?-? Le Stade Français de Perpignant
Record: 13-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 33
B. Dougood - 6
S. Ijanaeil - 3
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1
D. Daniels - 1

Legal proceedings underway
A Liverpool England court has ordered the extradition at the first possible instant of Michael Ford to Liverpool England from Schiavonia to face charges of harassment and defamation. Ford, the Schiavone Football Federation chief who's had a run-in with Syku Lyku before, is being charged with harassment by SyLy, as well as defamation by Gareth Dussis on his father, Paul's name.

Ford, who in making comments about SyLy and the older Dussis mentioned Caddy Cannon's name, will not face charges on a second count of defamation as Cannon's granddaughter Rose Michelle, a national under-19 women's player looking to make the national men's u21 squad, decided it would be better for her family to not press charges.

Liverpool England does not have a formal extradition treaty with Schiavonia, and it is doubtful that Schiavone police would co-operate in arresting Ford to face trial.

In footballing news, Liverpool England fell to yet another defeat at the hands of Fmjphoenix after an embarassing 4-1 thumping, with Fmjphoenix all-time top scorer Mike Nolan scoring two goals to bring his cup and qualifying total to 33. The Terminators have scraped through to the second round, however, where they will face Jeruselem.

The Schiavone Scribe
FORD CASE THROWN OUT

Schiavone Foorball Federation chief Michael Ford's case against him by high profile relatives of some of the nation's biggest football legends was sensationally dropped last night as Schiavonia's governemnt claimed that he had "done nothing wrong".

The case against Ford was for defamation against the name of Paul Dussis and the harassement of SyLy, but both cases have been forced to be dropped after the Schiavone Ministry of Criminality threw out the case.

"Of course, if we'd have considered any wrongdoing on Mr Ford's part, we would have no problem in handing him over to the Liverpool English authorities." Criminality Minister Colin Jardini announced in a press conference yesterday lunchtime. "However, while he may have broken the law in Liverpool England, we find the whole charade an absolute joke, and so Mr. Ford won't be going anywhere."

Which most Schiavones will think is a shame, because they feel that it is Ford who is the joke, and they'd love to see him extradited.

To Anathematic Republics.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Total 'n Utter Calamity

Its Audioslavia's worst defeat since World Cup 5.

More humiliating than the 3-0 loss to Sonaron ten years ago, more heartbreaking than the 3-0 loss to Kaze Progressa in the World Cup 18 quarter final, just as bad as the aforementioned loss in World Cup 5; that infamous 4-0 defeat to Squornshelous. Most humiliating of all, the loss was a huge one, it came against Total n Utter Insanity, and it knocked the 'slaves out of the centennial World Cup before it got going.

The match itself started off in a similar fashion to the Cataduanes match, with neither side making much headway, cancelling each other out up to the 45 minute mark. It was this point where the 'slaves came undone through a TnUI goal in the second minute of first half injury time.

The 'slaves pulled themselves back into the game in the second half, forcing two good saves out of the goalkeeper in the first ten minutes, the first from a Vitalis strike from the edge of the area, the second from a Mussorgsky header which was expertly tipped round the post.

Just as Audioslavia were looking like scoring, TnUI counter-attacked and scored their second, a long ball finding the striker outside the box, who dummied Stuart and lashed the ball into the corner.

From then on, the team in red and white dominated, scoring another on sixty-five minutes and adding a devastating fourth goal on the seventy minute mark. The 'slaves were shocked and out-classed, and almost definately on their way out of the World Cup. The only thing that Audioslavia can take from the game is the consolation goal that Arturo Vitalis snatched for them on eighty-four minutes. Picking up the ball thirty yards out, he turned and ran at one defender, beating him on the left side before cutting in and rounding another and, with a delightful chip, flicking the ball over the goalkeeper who was on his six-yard line. The goal was greeted by sarcastic cheers from all around the stadium, especially from the TnUI end, where Sarcasm is actually the nation's official national sport.

FINAL SCORE
Total 'n Utter Insanity 4 (45, 58, 65, 70)
Audioslavia 1 (Vitalis 84)

The humbled Audioslavia team will touch down in Soundgardia on sunday night as only the third 'slaves team to fail to get passed the first round since World Cup 10, ironically the same cup where they progressed thanks to a 1-0 win over a certain Total 'n Utter Insanity team. All interviews with the players yeilded the same dejected, disappointed response, but the message from the fans was clear:

We will have our revenge...

Nolan comes through in the clutch again, Vikings move to quarter-finals

In what has been one of the most magical World Cups for Fmjphoenix, Mike Nolan is the center of attention. Since the start of the World Cup, his scoring pace could easily be called torrid. And again today, he adds another two goals, including the deciding factor, to bring his total to 35 goals and to move the Vikings into the quarter-finals of World Cup 26 with their victory over Oaker 3-2.

Suprisingly enough, Oaker opened up the scoring with an early strike from the wing that barely got past Powell Lamar for the early 1-0 deficit. But Brian Dougood equalized about 10 minutes later, when he recieved a great cross from Larry Brown that he deposited into the back of the net like he was taking his check to the bank. The 1-1 scoreline would hold up for most of the first half, as the Oaker squad was pressing hard and early to try and shut down the Vikings offense. Even so, Oaker still played strong, as in the beginning of the second half, it looked a lot like the first half, as another strike came form the wing, stunning Lamar as he could not make it too the ball to save the goal. After taking the lead, they tried to play back, and suprisingly succeeded for about 20 minutes. Thats then 'The Nolan Show' came onto air. Browned recieved the pass after a save from Lamar and passed it off to Nolan around midfield. After that, noone else touched the ball. For three minutes, Nolan dribbled his way up the pitch, using some amazing footwork to befuddle the Oaker defenders into missing the ball time after time. When he got about 18 feet back from the goal, he reared back and kicked a mighty kick that sailed from right to left, right past the keeper to draw the teams up at two with 10 minutes left in the match. Oaker tried to hold onto the ball and play for extra time, but Coach Wash had his squad get aggressive. Advancing onto the Oaker side of the field, it took 8 minutes to force a bad pass from one of the defenders before the Vikings managed to grab the ball. And with only two minutes left, they sought to get the ball to their playmaker. And right as the clock hit 90 minutes, the ball sailed through the goal and hit the net to seal the deal for the Vikings.

With the victory, the Vikings move into uncharted territory for them. Fmjphoenix goes into the quarter-finals for the first time in their 4th World Cup qualification, 9th Cup overall. Fmjphoenix still awaits to hear who the winner between Jeruselam and Liverpool England is, as that will be their next opponent. Even though they have been unable to get a match report, rumors float around that the Terminators defeated Jeruselam. That would mean a 7th matchup between the two teams in the past three World Cups. But in any event, the Vikings will be coming out with all they have got to try and make it to the semis. Stay tuned to see how well the Vikings fair.

Fmjphoenix 3 - 2 Oaker
Dougood (14) Nolan (80, 90) - Oaker (4, 52)


Fmjphoenix Vikings World Cup 26
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Tanah Burung 2-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ The Ardenne 2-1
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Da WhoseLine People 3-2
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Bettia 6-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Basicota 4-1
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Praying2God 0-2
MD07: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Tanah Burung 4-1
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs The Ardenne 2-1
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Da WhoseLine People 3-1
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Bettia 6-1
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Basicota 1-1
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Praying2God 3-0
MD14: Fmjphoenix -=BYE=-
GSM1: Fmjphoenix vs Spruitland 3-1 Colisée Jean-Benoît Laroche
GSM2: Fmjphoenix vs Schiavonia 2-1 Dôme de Saint-François
GSM3: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 4-1 Dôme de Saint-François
RO16: Fmjphoenix vs Oaker 3-2 Le Stade Français de Perpignant
Record: 14-1-1

Viking Goalscorers:
M. Nolan - 35
B. Dougood - 7
S. Ijanaeil - 3
A. Jenkins - 1
L. Boyd - 1
D. Daniels - 1

Terminators seek Viking revenge
Liverpool England overcome lacklustre Jeruselem to win 2-0

Liverpool England have been drawn to face Fmjphoenix for the seventh time in just over 10 years - three cups - in the quarter-finals of World Cup 26. The two sides, which last met on the final matchday of the group stages when the Vikings upstaged the World Cup 24 champion Terminators 4-1, have a long recent history going back to the qualifiers of the abovementioned championship win.

The Terminators were never made to work for their win against Jeruselem, which has manager Sir Douglas Freech worried about complacency against the Vikings - who've won four of the six meetings between the two nations and only lost one. "They have a good side, and they showed it when they beat us 4-1 in the group stage. I'm concerned that the lads will get complacent. Jeruselem posed no threat to them whatsoever today, and I'm worried the easy nature of our win may have gone to their heads."

Indeed, Jeruselem never posed any serious threat - goalkeeper Adam Carrero - who's scored three goals in the qualifiers and one in the group stages, all from freekicks - was effectively a spectator for the whole match - only 2.31% of play was inside the Terminator half on a Jeruselem attack, and Jeruselem had only one attempt that went well wide from a free kick.

Jeruselem captain Timmy Goldstein deflected in a Luis Sunderland shot on 41 minutes to give Liverpool England the lead, and Sunderland sealed the win three minutes later from the penalty spot to score his 8th goal of qualifying and the finals.

Freech, whose contract ends at the end of this cup, has expressed a desire to carry on in his current position but rumour is that the FALE will look for a replacement should the Terminators not make third place or higher.

Jeruselem Government News

"We'll be back" says Jeruselem coach

There's no hiding the disappointment of losing another 2nd round knockout in the World Cup 26. Jeruselem took on the Terminators (or Liverpool England for those who don't know), but fell short losing 0-2. In World Cup 24, we lost 1-2 to Sarzonia. Saying all this, the signs are good. Two 2nd round appearances in three World Cups help your rankings and we are now a top 20 team. Our aim is to make the quarter finals in World Cup 27 - WE ALMOST DID IT.

The Jeruselem FA have made it clear, the current Jeruselem coach Guus Hiddink is not in trouble after the loss. They did not expect the team to make 2nd round after the World Cup 25 group stage disappointments.

Speaking of Sarzonia, they played our Canuck friends (Hockey Canada). In World Cup 24, Sarzonia stopped us but could they stop the Canucks. Wait for it, the CANUCKS DID IT. Oh yes, we failed but Hockey Canada beat Sarzonia 1-0.

What a game from the Canucks. It was like God had built a brick wall in front of the Canuck goals all game. The Starz simply could not break down the defense from hell. They tried and tried but the Canucks stood firm. To make things worse, the Starz conceded a goal and it was over.

Guess to the Terminators play next? The mighty Vikings (FMJPhoenix) of course. Expect fireworks here and lots of fighting.

Hockey Canada make the quarter final and crash straight into TnUI AGAIN.

Replays of all World Cup 26 2nd rounds will be available on JGN cable soccer channel. Hockey Canada fans will want their team to repeat their win over TnUI, so it's upto the Canucks to star again. Yes, this game is our feature game for the quarter finals.

The end

Well, maybe it was a lack of information that did it, or maybe the Tigers didnt play well enough. Right now noone cares! The Tigers failed to beat One Red Dot despite a great match by Micheal Pliiev and Oleg Salenko, the men whom have become national heroes during the World Cup and the Qualifications.

For about eighty minutes it remained a spectacular match where both sides created alot of scoring opportunities, when one scored the other soon equalized but then defender Andreev made a bad move on an ORD player. And although there is still discussion whether it was a foul or not, the referee gave ORD a penalty that ended the Tadjik adventure. With ten men the Tigers could do no more than defend for the last minutes.

Bahrom Sadirov and his brother were somewhat dissapointed about the way the World Cup ended for them, they had no other option but to accept the outcome :'While there is still alot to be said about the match, we are not going to worry anymore. In fact we have other things to do, like finding another challenge. I'm quite sure that whoever takes over will do a good job, We know he has an excellent team to work with. In the meantime we'll cheer for Krytenia and hope they'll get further than we did.'

One Red Dot -3
Unknown players '40, '62, '80
Tadjikistan -2
Micael Pliiev '28, Oleg Salenko '65


Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Race City W 3-0
MD2: Artoonia - Tadjikistan D 1-1
MD3: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 3-1
MD4: Jeruselem - Tadjikistan W 2-5
MD5: McPsychoville - Tadjikistan W 0-4
MD6: Tadjikistan - Milchama W 4-1
MD7: /
MD8: Race City - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD9: Tadjikistan - Artoonia W 4-1
MD10:Rordia - Tadjikistan L 3-0
MD11:Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 4-2
MD12:Tadjikistan - McPsychoville W 2-0
MD13:Milchama - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD14:/
---------------------World Cup 26 Group Stage------------------------------
MD1: Tadjikistan - Giant Zucchini W 3-1
MD2: Tadjikistan - Krytenia L 2-5
MD3: Tadjikistan - Commerce Heights W 4-1
---------------------1/16th finals-------------------------------------------
G4: One Red Dot - Tadjikistan L 3-2
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tadjik goalscorers:
Salenko - 17
Saradov - 7
Pliiev - 6
Zuhurov - 5
Mirdan - 3
Ashurov - 2
Kornilov - 1
Gurchev - 1
Solehbayev - 1

In the back of the team bus on the way back to their hotel, several members of the Krytenian squad are discussing their defeat:

Robin Spivey: ...hey, at least you got a shot on target.

Gabe Kennedy: It went about 2mph, and dribbled in the keeper's arms. I'd hardly call that a shot. We got massacred out there!

Cameron Stevenson: Amen to that.

GK: You're one to talk, Mr Own Goal...

****SCREECH****

All: WHAT THE BLOODY....

****CRASH****

To be concluded.....

♪ doo-doo doo-dododo-doooooo... ♪

Voiceover: The most-watched sports news program in Atlantian Oceania.... this is BSTV Sports Today! Live from Washington, Mike Green III.

Green is indeed standing on a street corner in the Bedistani city of Washington. A conveniently located street sign tells us he is on the corner of West Newburgh Avenue and 29th Street. After a short pause, he speaks.

"Well, I'm sure there's no need to tell you what today's top story is - the Bedistan Lions are through to the quarterfinals of World Cup 26 after their two-nil win over Krytenia. And nowhere is the excitement more intense than here in Washington, right on the Krytenian border. Here in the Washington area is probably just about the only place you'll find large numbers of Krytenians continuing to celebrate despite their loss, because at least their Bedistani friends get to go on and kick some ass.

"Most Kryties are cursing their luck, though, as they were very much in the game from beginning to end. The Aces were able to make several decent attacks, though they did seem to have a bit of trouble keeping their shots on target. Here you see Robin Spivey's 20th-minute attempt - it looks good at first, but ends up going well wide of the goal. The game finally did open up, but it was a Bedistani that did it - Tommy Bob Valentín puts his Lions up one-nil in the 37th, Barcali powerless to stop the goal.

"Down by one at the half, Aces obviously not out yet. But then came this defensive error. Cameron Stevenson makes this nice tackle on Billy English, but the pressure is on and he tries to backpass to the keeper. But it all goes wrong - he's just far enough off target for Barcali to not be able to reach it, but not far enough off to prevent the ball from cruising on into the Krytenian goal. 2-0 Bedistan, and the own goal depresses the Aces enough that they never do find a way back into the game. Lions chalk up another win and celebrate their 12th quarterfinal appearance overall and their sixth in the last seven Cups.

"Now let's look at the quarterfinal matchups. First is Eauz v Crystilakere. Pretty blah on the surface, both have won Cups before, but neither has truly been great in a long while. Then again, Eauz just offed Rejistania, and Crystilakere dealt Starblaydia a heavy 4-1 loss that defied pretty much every analyst in all NationStates. This could go either way, but we're thinking the second round was a fluke and whoever wins can probably expect a loss in the semis.

"Then we have Bedistan v One Red Dot. Obviously we're cheering for the Lions, and you have to admit they are the better team in this matchup. It's gonna be the Lions' ninth final four appearance, I have to say.

"The match of the round, from a Bedistani standpoint, has to be Liverpool England v Fmjphoenix. Two of our biggest rivals, who are recently developing quite the rivalry between themselves as well, face off in this high-stakes match. I personally think Fmjphoenix will take it, but the Terminators definitely cannot be counted out.

"And finally, we have Hockey Canada v Total n Utter Insanity. Yes, that's right, Hockey Canada - incredibly, Sarzonia lost to them. Maybe crazy old Mike Davidson wasn't talking out of his ass after all? Heh, I'm just kidding, please don't send mobs of angry Sarzonians to attack me. TnUI's appearance here is equally surprising, purely because they were playing Lovisa, who have the uncanny ability to come completely out of nowhere and knock absolutely any nation out at any time. Hockey Canada got the better of the Insanicians back in the group stage, but I'm thinking it's gonna be the other way around this time.

"So my predictions for the semifinal matchups are Crystilakere v Bedistan and Fmjphoenix v TnUI, and if I may be so bold I think we're going to have a fantastic final on our hands - Bedistan v Fmjphoenix. You heard it here first, folks."

----

Final score:
Bedistan 2 (Valentín 37)
Krytenia 0 (Stevenson og 74)

Do you believe in Miracles?

Can you believe we were not even expected to get by the Group Stages? Now look at us... we've beaten the number one rank, topped Group G, topped our qualifying group for the second World Cup in a row... and haven't conceded a Goal in this World Cup finals. Thomas has been stellar, Kulkarni has been solid, Broflovski has been perfect, Ko has been on fire (literally during the post-game party), and Kansu has used his speed to astonish karelans all over the world. We've mastered karela now and Rejistanians would be proud.

Physical play dominated the match with both sides not wanting to give up. The warmup saw some friendly gestures to fellow Atlantian Oceanians but fans, players, coaches and other officials knew this was a huge game on the line. Players for the Sarzonian team had seen Hockey Canadian tactics but it seemed after the match you couldn't match size or physicality mixed with a karelan defence.

The opening minutes saw the Hockey Canadians fall back early to avoid any goals from happening. Sarzonia seemed to be caught off guard due to the fact they were expecting to play karelan as well. In the 8th minute the Stars set up an offensive play to try and get Thomas to commit to shots but it failed to work. The teams kept relaying the ball back and fourth between each half but no one could make any headway.

It took all the action up until the 79th minute when the Stars were caught deep in the Canucks' half. A hard shot on net saved by Thomas gave Kulkarni a chance to move upfield flanked by Kansu and Ko. Thomas blasted the ball far upfield to start a 3-on-2 rush leading to a few quick passes with a 2-on-0 rush. A quick pass from Kansu to Kulkarni to the back of the net sent the entire nation of Hockey Canada into ecstacy as the lead the top team in the world 1-0.

Thomas remained solid for the rest of the game to clinch the win and a quarter-final berth against Total n Utter Insanity. Kulkarni recieved star of the game while the entire nation of Hockey Canada celebrated.

Predictions:

Eauz v. Crystilakere- Ok, here's a matchup of teams who have upset some major contenders. Eauz took down fellow karelans Rejistania ending that run while Crystilakere took down the World Cup Champions Starblaydia ending their run for a repeat. Predictions have been shot to hell thanks to these teams. Though the winner of this game is too close to call we're going to go with Eauz.

Bedistan v. One Red Dot- Are you joking? Bedistan should take this game handily but One Red Dot could prove to be a bit of a speedbump. Either way we have Bedistan winning here.

Liverpool England v Fmjphoenix- Well what do we have here? Takilans versus former World Cup Champions... this will make for an interesting game. Though the Liverpool Englanders have experience Fmjphoenix has momentum. This will be tough to decide but Fmjphoenix should prevail in this match.

Hockey Canada v Total n Utter Insanity- What? Are you joking? This should be entertaining but we think we can actually win this match.

Semi Finals:

Eauz v. Bedistan- Bedistan will have no trouble.

Fmjphoenix v. Hockey Canada- Our WC run ends here.

Finals:

Bedistan v. Fmjphoenix- Bedistan wins by one goal in a close game.

thsd:NEWS

Highway Tragedy
by Bill Tulos in Washington

SCENES of consolation turned into scenes of horror in a matter of moments in this city. As Krytenian fans congratuled their Bedistani counterparts, news filtered through of a tragic situation evolving in Commerce Heights.

The Krytenian team bus, carrying players, coaches, and a team of journalists, had a tyre blowout at approximately 55mph. The bus jackknifed into the central reservation, taking three cars with it. People near the back of the bus were able to escape, however many were still in the bus when the fuel tank exploded.

Among the dead are believed to be Kevin Keda, Robin Spivey, and manager Dave Van Staveren, though reports are, at this stage, still sketchy.

SCORERS
G. Kennedy - 12 (incl. 7 in finals)
R. Spivey - 9 (incl. 2 in finals, deceased)
K. Keda - 4 (incl. 2 in finals, deceased)
C. Blannix - 2
A. Pedroso - 2
J. Jaffacake-Phillips - 1
C. Stevenson - 1
J. Terezzi - 1

SCHEDULE:
MD1: H v FBR W 6-0 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD2: A v NVO W 2-1
MD3: H v SPA W 4-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham, CP)
MD4: A v HCN W 2-1
MD5: A v FSX W 2-0
MD6: H v WEE D 2-2 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD7: BYE - NO GAME
MD8: A v FBR D 3-3
MD9: H v NVO D 0-0 (Lays Road Ground, Leston, LS)
MD10: A v SPA L 1-2
MD11: H v HCN L 0-1 (Isserson Stadium, Everton City, EC)
MD12: H v FSX W 2-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson, OU)
MD13: A v WEE L 0-3
MD14: BYE - NO GAME

R1M1: A v COM L 4-5 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M2: N v TDJ W 5-2 (Sokojito Überdome, Sokojito Dosi, COM)
R1M3: N v GZU D 2-2 (Capitalizm, Yupo, COM)
RND2: N v BDS L 0-2 (Cirto Seaside Stadium, Cirto, COM)

Jeruselem Government News

Krytenian team members die in bus crash!

As the Jeruselem team head home, it seems some members of the Krytenian team won't be. There's been a bus crash involving the Krytenian World Cup 26 team and the news isn't good. Victims of the crash include the Krytenian manager Dave Van Staveren. Please send our prayers to the people of Krytenian and their soccer team.

As a tribute to a team who like Jeruselem, made the 2nd round of the World Cup 26 - we will be playing highlights from the Krytenian games and a full replay of their last game against Bedistan.

On a lighter note, JGN is equipping any Jeruselem fans at the quarter-final with Hockey Canada support kits. Sadly we have go send our Nedalia kits back home for next World Cup. Jeruselem fans must show their passports to the JGN crew to verify they are Jeruselem citizens. Included is the Canuck phase book for cheering on Hockey Canada team including the dreaded Karela word.

Vikings dumped out of cup
Terminators 3 Vikings 0

The scoreline says it all - Liverpool England 3, Fmjphoenix 0, World Cup 26 Quarter-Final. The Vikings were unceremoniously dumped out of the World Cup by a spirited Terminator side that was looking for revenge for their 4-1 group stage defeat at the hands of their opponents.

Luis Sunderland, who with eight goals to his name this cup and the top-scorer for Liverpool England was nowhere near the Fmjphoenician top scorers (Mike Nolan, 35 goals), netted an amazing hat-trick - the first Liverpool England hat-trick of the finals - in a 14 minute spell to send Liverpool England through to their 5th-ever semi final (after World Cups 8, 9, 17 and 24), where they face either Hockey Canada or Total n Utter Insanity.

Liverpool England 3 (Sunderland 64, 67, 77)
Fmjphoenix 0

FALE backs Bedistan-Fmjphoenix World Cup 27 bid
The FALE today shocked the nation by releasing a press statement voicing their support for the World Cup 27 bid from two of the nation's biggest rivals, Bedistan and Fmjphoenix.

The Football Association of Liverpool England wish to announce that they have officially submitted their vote to the President of the World Cup Committee, backing the World Cup 27 bid of Bedistan and Fmjphoenix.

While we realise they are not everyone's first choice to support due to the long history between the three nations, we believe their bid would bring the best of all the teams participating in World Cup 27, and to a greater extent, the Terminator side which would not want to lose badly in either nation.

The FALE also wish to congratulate the Terminators on reaching the World Cup 26 Semi-Finals, and would like to emphasise that nothing about Sir Douglas' future has been decided yet.

Stars bow out of tournament
Questions begin for team

Following the end of a World Cup, the Chairman of the Incorporated Football Federation and the head coach of the national team usually sit down and evaluate the way the team performed in the World Cup and decide from there what direction the team should go in.

However, Sarzonia's exit from the World Cup after a 1-0 loss to Hockey Canada began anything but the typical offseason for the Stars. For one thing, the upheaval that cost IFF Chairman Terry Mangione his job and saw former coach Barry Owens fired, rehired, then resign from the team also saw the return of Dave Wilson after a messy departure from Hypocria to fill both roles.

"Our evaluation is going to be very different from past World Cups, that is certain," Wilson said. "For one thing, I can't go in and give myself an evaluation as a head coach, especially since I've only been here four matches and I was coaching Hypocria until the very end of qualifying."

The questions about how the team will approach World Cup XXVII begin and end with Wilson. He has said he is looking to hire a IFF Chairman to take over the job full-time while he concentrates on his duties as field boss. However, the soon-to-be reconstituted Board of Governors has said they want Wilson to take over the chairmanship full-time and they have asked him to look for a new coach.

"We believe Dave Wilson is the man who needs to be calling the shots for the IFF and we don't think he can really do that and coach the team," IFF governor Lisa DeMorani said. "We have full confidence that he still has it as a head coach, but we think he needs to be in a position where no one can fire him on a whim the way Terry Mangione did to Barry Owens."

A team source said the team would consider promoting assistant coach Brett Hancock to the full time coaching job if Wilson can't convince the Board of Governors that he's the man to coach the team, but with the IFF still under government receivership, the final say will be Vice President for Health and Athletics Jimmy Marshall. But even Marshall said he's got "people whispering in my ear from above."

"If [President Mike] Sarzo overrules the IFF, we're going to have a real problem on our hands," DeMorani said. "The Gray House has no business telling us who our coach should be."

"If DeMorani weren't part of an organisation that nearly [expletive] things up for Sarzonian football, I wouldn't have to get involved in this mess," Sarzo said in blunt language. "Frankly, it is and should be Dave Wilson's call what happens in the future. If he wants to hire a IFF President who runs the day to day operations and answers to the IFF Chairman, he's entitled to do that."

Current IFF president Cal Trottier has said he will step down from the position and he has asked to serve as the second choice Sarzonian national team's head coach during AOCAF tournaments. Wilson said the job of IFF president is open and he will accept applications through the team's address in Woodstock [OOC: By TG.]

Regardless of what Wilson decides for the future, the next Stars team will be without two stalwarts as forward Brian Wilson and goalkeeper Horace Sandt both announced their retirement after the match against Hockey Canada.

"We're going to move forward with the players we have and hopefully we can bring success back to the Stars," Dave Wilson said. "Those guys will be sorely missed, but it's time we play some new players."

The camera pans over a stadium. We're fairly sure it's somewhere in Commerce Heights, but we don't know where. The stadium is mostly empty, but a couple thousand people dressed in blue and green and approximately six people dressed in red and white are in the stands. Looking out into the eastern sky, we see the sun rising.

"And welcome back to live BSTV coverage of this World Cup quarterfinal between Bedistan and One Red Dot. The match was scheduled to start about eighteen hours ago, but so far absolutely nothing has happened. Both teams stopped warming up a very long time ago and are now sleeping on their respective benches. No word has come from the tournament officials - are they even aware that there was a match to be played yesterday?

"Well, while we continue to wait here, we'll show you something more interesting - here now is a recorded broadcast of the 2084 Bedistani Open. You didn't know we played golf in Bedistan, did you? Well, now you do."

The Schiavone Scribe
FRIENDS, ENEMIES AND DON'T CARES

Well, Schiavonia's first World Cup campaign is finally over. I say finally, it has been for the best part of a week, now. And the nation has pretty much enjoyed its first forray into hte World of International fooball.

Most of all, though, are the friendships we've made, and the potential friendships that Michael Ford has ruined. Imbacile.

Anyway, after all of this, here's a few nations that the Schiavones have encountered in some way or another and an opinion has been formed. Or not, as the case may be.

Rejistania
Our beloved regional UN delegate for FIFA and Baptism of Fire host. You'd think. Indeed, Schiavonia even endorsed Rejistania for a while, as FIFA came under attack. Hell, we must have been desperate. The mindbenders won themselves no friends in Schiavonia after using va'karela to influence players in the Cup of Harmony to play more defensively. Still, the sloths managed their revenge, though...

The Kazoo Peoples
We went there for a friendly, and the Kazoos were just as we remembered them from the Baptism of Fire. A bloody nice bunch. If you see any of the Kazoo Peoples in your neighbourhood, be sure to give them a big hello hug. But not too many, else they'll think you're weird.

Cuation
After facing Cuation twice during qualifying, we're not really sure what we make of them. They seem quite an odd bunch, and were seen fighting amongst themselves when the Sloths visited. We'll just let them be for now.

Liverpool England
The ignoramuses aren't our best friends, and will probably sue this publication for saying so. Stupid people.

Spruitland
Yes, I know we lost 5-0 to them, and I know Filipo Schiavone had a bit of an altercation with one of their fans, but deep down, you can't help but like them, can you?

Milchama
They're our Cup of Harmony co-hosts, and a damn grand job they're doing too. We likes them.

Bazalonia
All we know is that they don't seem anything like the Liverpool English, so I suppose that's a good thing.

Well, that's pretty much all for now. The more we play, the more relationships we'll get. It's a mini-odessey, and it's been a good one so far...

Freech in shock resignation
Resignation comes despite Terminators reaching Cup Final

Liverpool England manager Sir Douglas Freech has sparked scenes of shock and anger with the surprise announcement of his resignation as Liverpool England manager effective World Cup Final day. This comes despite the Terminators beating Hockey Canada 1-0 to reach their second final in 8 years - in World Cup 24 they beat Sarzonia in the final to win a second cup. Their opponents this time would be familiar. Bedistan, who have a long history with the nation going back to the Terminators' first cup win, on Bedistani soil, or Eauz, who the team have not played in recent memory, but have faced the Terminators many times before.

When asked about speculation that he stepped down to apply for the open position of president of the Sarzonian FA, the Incorporated Football Federation, Freech declined ruling the thought out. "It's an avenue I wish to pursue. I cannot rule it out. I would like to stay in football, and this opening would provide me with a good opportunity to do so. Until the day of the World Cup Final, though, I am Liverpool England manager, and right now my focus is to get the lads prepared for the big day."

FALE Chairman Syky Lyku confirmed that he had accepted Freech's resignation, adding that as Freech's contract was due to expire, "it was agreed, by mutual consent, that Sir Douglas would leave the team at the end of his term as manager. We've offered Sir Douglas an advisory role at the FALE, but he has yet to respond." When asked about a possible replacement, SyLy did not give an outright answer. "Our focus should be on the cup final right now. However, I do have a few names in mind, including a few that may shock some people. Anyone with coaching qualifications may also apply to the FALE (*IRC or TG), and we'll consider every one of them. We've proven this time that a Liverpool England manager is effective - only one of our semifinals was reached without a local manager [WC17, Ha~e Hangila], and most likely we'd choose a local, but nothing can be ruled out yet."

Liverpool England 1 (Langer 61)
Hockey Canada 0

The quarterfinal had passed with very little to say, really. Try as they might, no Bedistani could really get all that worked up about their victory over One Red Dot, which had an unofficial record low attendance for any World Cup finals game - plenty of tickets were sold at Capitalizm, but by the time the match actually started there were only an estimated 1,250 people still seated.

The semifinal started out a bit better, with an opponent the Lions had an appreciable history with - Eauz. Of course, les Bleus were certainly not the World Cup powerhouse they once were. And some say this caused the Lions to severely underestimate their opponents. If they didn't know better, the fans would say that Bedistan had no offense to speak of. And somehow it wasn't even that much of a surprise when Eauz took that 1-0 lead late in the first half. Nobody knew the guy's name, not even the people broadcasting the match all over the galaxy. But he scored nevertheless.

What Kenter Surf said at halftime we can only guess. Several of the players looked as though they had seen a ghost as they exited the locker rooms to return to the pitch. It was obvious that they were a bit more inspired, though. But it didn't look like the Eauzian defense was going to cooperate. Finally as time was running out, midfielder Tara Stalls tried a desperate long shot from twenty-five yards, and the goalkeeper was unlucky enough to trip over his own foot and watch the ball sail straight into the net for 1-1.

So it was to be extra time. And this time it was Bedistan to get the early upper hand, as an Eauzian defender conceded a 101st-minute penalty kick, which Stalls easily converted to put the Lions up 2-1. But again the lead would not hold, and after almost 130 minutes of play (counting all the added time), the score stood at 2-2. Penalty shootout time. And now everyone seemed to be at their greatest concentration, as both teams' first four shots went in. But after Eauz's fifth was saved by Tom Pratt, it was up to Pat Romano to bring it home. And that he did, sending the Bedistanis in the crowd into raptures, for the Lions had just made their fourth World Cup final.

And who better to face in it than Liverpool England. Finally, the team was going to get revenge for World Cup 8. Well, not entirely, as they were playing in the Sokojito Überdome - a Bedistani win on Liverpool English soil would be better. But no matter. It was payback time.

FALE confirm appointment of new coach

The Football Association of Liverpool England have confirmed that they have appointed a new head coach to take over from outgoing manager Sir Douglas Freech, who has incidentally confirmed his application to the IFF for the available Presidency at the Federation.

Freech, who has made the World Cup semi-finals thrice in his career (WC17 as a player, WC24 and 26 as manager), announced his resignation as Liverpool England manager shortly after the team's 1-0 semi-final win over Hockey Canada. Freech, whose contract was due to expire after World Cup 26 anyway, will step down on the day of the World Cup Final. He will, however, be co-manager at the final, alongside the new manager, who the FALE have yet to reveal. The FALE confirmed that Freech would have final say over team tactics and selection on the day, and the new manager would be giving the team talks in Freech's prescence.

The FALE has also confirmed that the new manager is not a local from Liverpool England, and indeed "would come as a shock, and as a surprise, to a lot. We however stand by our choice, who has accepted a contract for two years until the end of World Cup 27 qualifying, when we will re-evaluate his contract and see whether we can offer him an extension to lead us to another Cup Final, in hopefully his home nation." The statement has caused buzz around internet forums in the country, with many speculating "another Cup Final in hopefully his home nation" to mean Bedistan, as Bedistan have a prospective World Cup 27 bid, and Liverpool England won World Cup 8 on Bedistani soil.

Before all that, though, there is the small matter of the World Cup Final. Against Bedistan.

Source: Freech to be IFF president

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- The newly-created position of IFF president is one step closer to being filled, as sources within the IFF said Sarzonian national team coach and IFF chairman Dave Wilson has offered the job to Liverpool England manager Sir Douglas Freech. Calls to Wilson's office at the team's complex at Bryan Marshall Stadium were not returned.

"It would be inapporpriate to make an announcement at the present time," said Jimmy Marshall, Sarzonia's Vice President for Health And Athletics. "All I am at liberty to say is that a well-qualified candidate has expressed interest in the job and he met with Dave and it went well. Dave has said he'll wait until the World Cup has finished before making any announcements."

Wilson said before Sarzonia bowed out of World Cup XXVI play that his first priority was to resolve the coaching and managerial situations before World Cup XXVII began but told friends and family he wanted to continue to serve as head coach. The IFF Board of Governors was vetoed on its request to have Wilson give up the coaching duties to assistant coach Brett Hancock by an edict from President Mike Sarzo, who said the organisation "[expletive] things up."

Gray House sources wouldn't confirm published reports in the Portland Press Herald that Freech was Wilson's choice for the IFF presidency or rumours that the government was planning to remove the IFF from receivership after Wilson announces his hire.

"All of that is idle speculation at this point," Gray House Press Secretary Heather Lloyd said. "Right now, our priority is to make sure that the IFF is headed in the right direction and the administration can concentrate on addressing our nation's economic ills (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=465198). Anything else is just wasting our time."

A source close to Wilson said the IFF would be removed from receivership if the hiring of Freech as IFF president is confirmed. The source also said Wilson would give Freech "a mostly free hand" to run the organisation, though the final say would still be Wilson's.

"Dave Wilson is impressed with Sir Douglas's performance as Liverpool England's manager," the source said. "He also believes the man will be an excellent fit in the position and will allow Dave to focus on his true strength as a football coach."

The decision to hire a Liverpool England citizen to help run the Sarzonian governing body for football was admittedly controversial, but Wilson dismissed concerns about implications that he has lost confidence in Sarzonian operation of the IFF.

"This is not about liking or disliking Sarzonians," Wilson said. "This is about hiring the best candidate for the position and ensuring that anyone being employed by the IFF is given every opportunity to succeed at this level. This is not about my ego or anyone else's ego. This is about meeting a common goal, and that is to bring Sarzonia another World Cup championship."

Shock and anger as Bedistani revealed as new Terminators manager
First team vows to back new coach

The FALE have unveiled that Bedistani manager Nick Reagan would be taking over the top coaching job in Liverpool England. The announcement came just hours before the World Cup 26 Final, which is to pit the Terminators against Reagan's home country, Bedistan. Reagan, who is on a rolling two-year contract with the primary aim of qualifying for World Cup 27, will take charge effective the Final, where he will share managerial duties with Sir Douglas Freech, the outgoing manager, who will still have the say over tactics and selection.

The Liverpool England first team have already come out in full support of their new manager. "Regardless of who our manager may be, we feel that the FALE will always make sound decisions and this can only be a boost for football in the nation, we believe he is the right choice for the job, and he has our full support," outgoing team captain Thomas Lunson, who many in the country felt was right for the job, said.

Reagan was unavailable for comment.

"What?!?"

BSTV analyst Mike Green III could not believe what he had heard. According to this press release he had just received, famous former Bedistan national team goalkeeper Nick Reagan had just taken a managerial position...for the national team of Liverpool England.

"But...but...they're our hated rivals! What's he playing at?"

People were already denouncing Reagan as a traitor to his country, and a few wackos had even called for the revocation of his Bedistani citizenship. Even being reminded that the Bedistani team was coached by a foreigner didn't help. "We don't hate Vilita nearly as much as we hate them," was the typical response.

There are over four hundred thousand seats in the Sokojito Überdome. And every last one of them was occupied as the World Cup 26 final between Bedistan and Liverpool England prepared for kickoff.

Everyone in the crowd was tense, as was expected. After all, the crowd had only been waiting seventy-two years for this match. Seventy-two years ago, Bedistan and Liverpool England met in the final of World Cup 8, and the latter ran out 3-1 winners. The Lions were hoping to get their revenge now.

There was definite uneasiness in the Bedistan camp, though. For one thing, former teammate Nick Reagan now stood on the Liverpool England sideline alongside Sir Douglas Freech, hoping to lead the Terminators to victory over his old team. And then of course there was the quadrennial World Cup scandal, this time taking the form of supposedly dodgy officiating in the second round and semifinal matches played in Commerce Heights. And of course, by sheer bad luck, Bedistan won two such matches, throwing their very presence in the final into a shadow. The Lions were going to have to prove that they really did deserve to be here.

There was a minor disruption at the start of the game as the referee refused to let the Terminators take the pitch on the grounds that two of their players were wearing the same shirt number. Both midfielder Eric Harley and defender Jeffrey Lacey were wearing #31 shirts. Lacey was allowed to trade shirts with Larry McCray (the shirts had only numbers on them, not player names) and wore the number 3 for the duration of the match, though unfortunately McCray was ruled unable to play as a result. Likewise, Walter Persinger and Donald Clapper were denied the ability to be substituted in, as they both wore the same #14 shirt as starter Thomas Lunson.

After the semifinal scare against Eauz, the Lions pulled no punches at the start of this match, taking an early 2-0 lead in the first quarter hour with solid goals from English and Valentín. It was obvious that these two teams were fierce rivals, though, as Lauren Gunn's unusually hard tackle on Lunson netted her a yellow card and the Terminators a penalty kick. Luis Sunderland took the opportunity to cut the Lions' lead in half, making the score 2-1. But perhaps even more telling was the incident in first half stoppage time where Harley tripped opposing midfielder Pat Romano. Romano had to leave the pitch, with Rebecca Humboldt replacing him, and the referee handed Harley a red card without batting an eye, making Liverpool England play the second half with just ten players.

The reduced-strength Terminators side simply could not handle the Lions' concerted second-half effort. Michael Porter increased the lead to 3-1 with his twenty-yarder midway through the half, and by the time English scored his second goal of the match, the Liverpool England players looked totally dispirited. Only an incredible effort from goalkeeper Adam Carrero kept the Lions from scoring again. The final whistle blew, and the Lions had definitely had their revenge. "Four-one, four-one, four-one," the fans chanted as they left the Überdome. Finally, Liverpool England couldn't hold it over the head of every Bedistani they saw anymore. The score was settled.

World Cup 26 Champions BEDISTAN - 4
(English 7, 76; Valentín 13; Porter 67)
LIVERPOOL ENGLAND - 1
(Sunderland 30 pen)

Stars make it official

Incorporated Football Federation Chairman and Sarzonian national team coach Dave Wilson made official what had been rumoured for weeks when he announced that former Liverpool England manager Sir Douglas Freech was named to the post of IFF president to take effect "as soon as Sir Douglas is ready" after Liverpool England fell 4-1 to Bedistan in the World Cup XXVI finals championship match.

"Sir Douglas Freech has earned the opportunity to serve in an administrative capacity for a national football governing body," Wilson said. "His performance as Terminators national team coach has been outstanding and we hope he can do the same things with Sarzonian football that he accomplished with Liverpool England."

Wilson said the team's secrecy about the announcement was in part to allow other applicants a fair opportunity to interview for the position and partly because the World Cup was still going on.

"We chose not to make the announcement until after the World Cup finals out of courtesy to Bedistan and Liverpool England," Wilson said. "We didn't want the IFF's restructuring to compete for attention with the World Cup itself, but once Sir Douglas announced to us his interest in the job, it was going to take an extraordinary candidate to keep him from getting the job."

"The prestige of this position was hard to ignore," Freech said in his first press conference after the announcement. "I wanted a new challenge and bringing Sarzonia back to the World Cup semifinals is the right opportunity."

Wilson announced that the Incorporated Sarzonian Government has sent him a notice that it would remove the receivership from the IFF "once our programme for reforms is fully implemented" and added that hiring Freech for the IFF presidency "goes a long way toward our regaining our independence.

"We still have a way to go before we can earn our way back out of receivership." Wilson said the IFF's board of advisors would meet with Freech to determine the structure of the organisation and figure out where the presidency fits in. He said his idea for the position was to turn it into the de facto executive position and turn the IFF chairmanship into a non executive position.

"That will be made clear once the organisational meetings have concluded," Wilson said. "The one thing that has been made clear by the Incorporated Sarzonian Government is that I be allowed to coach the team as long as I feel it's necessary for me to be on the sidelines. Toward that end, I have not settled on a timetable for me to stay as the head coach."

Wilson also took time from his press conference to congratulate Liverpool England for advancing to the finals and Eauz and Hockey Canada for their performance. Noticeably absent from Wilson's speech was any mention of world champion Bedistan.

"Why would I congratulate them," Wilson said. "We can't stand them."

Old foes deny Freech last-match present

It's official - Bedistan have their revenge. The latest joke going around the streets of Liverpool England is that now the two teams can finally put their rivalry behind them and just meet as normal teams - something that is unlikely to happen for a long, long time - if it ever does.

The Terminators fell to their joint-worst defeat of the cup - they also lost to Fmjphoenix 4-1 in the group stage before beating them 3-0 in the quarterfinals - and many of the public seem to be blaming the loss on players failing to get used to having Nick Reagan around as their new manager.

Sir Douglas would not have been happy with the way his team performed, though - to lose by three goals in a cup final (the only larger scoreline in recent history was Sarzonia's 4-0 trashing of Oaker at the National Stadium in CCL) - in his last game as Liverpool England manager.

The following is an excerpt of the post-match press conference:
Media: "Sir Douglas, poor showing today."
Freech: "Boys were overwhelmed with the occasion, I think. Also a bit tired, Bedistan were in Commerce Heights the whole time while we needed to fly in from Oliverry."
Media: "Happy with how you played then?"
Freech: "What's happened has happened, I don't blame the lads. Disappointed that Tommy [Lunson] couldn't get another cup, though."
Media: "Looking forward to Sarzonia?"
Freech: "It'll be a challenge. We'll be back."

The Most Serene Republic of Qazox would like to congratulate Bedistan on its WC XXVI win. Hopefully we won't play you in the WC XXVII Qualifing.

Congratulations Bedistan. Way to show AO's spremacy :D

Unlike Qaxox, I would welcome a shot at letting you hand my arse to me in WC27 :p