NationStates Jolt Archive

thsd:NEWS
Whoop! There It Is!
By Daniel Wheldon in Simpson

THOUGHTS can finally turn to Kaza and Soundguardia as Krytenia booked their place in the World Cup Finals. The event, as it turned out, was a bit of an anti-climax as the Aces dominated in a three-one victory.

Gabriel Kennedy's penalty took him to sixteen goals in fifteen games, while Kevin Keda and David Signoriello chipped in with strikes of their own to put Krytenia three-nil up. A late Cohen goal was little consolation for Pagajeucianism as their miserable campaign continued.

Relaxation is something that the national team can afford, however the Newcommunist Republics are still looking to keep alive their faint hopes of qualification. See you there!

KRYTENIA - 3
Kennedy 18 pen
Keda 51
Signoriello 58

PAGAJEUCIANISM - 1
Cohen 81

Purple Patch
By Bill Tulos in Jhanna

WITH good news comes bad. Starblaydia have also sealed their finals tickets, victory in Metfield sending the Men In Mauve past the finishing post. Many fans in Krytenia see their northern rivals as the big threat to the Aces' chances of winning all the marbles - bigger even than Liverpool England and Sarzonia.

We'll be watching with baited breath to see if these two Calanian heavyweights end up in a Finals slobberknocker.

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 16
R. Spivey: 9
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR ?????
MD17: H v BET ????? (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON ?????

CAFE: N v FMJ ?????

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png

Still perfect

SONOMA CITY -- The Bedistan Lions have now played fifteen of their eighteen World Cup 25 qualifying matches. And they still haven't lost one. They still haven't even drawn one. Yes, that's right - fifteen matches, fifteen wins.

The latest victory, a 4-0 blanking of Cuation at Fillmore National Stadium in Sonoma City, officially sealed first place in the group for the Lions, who now lead second-place Lovisa by ten points with three matches remaining. The four goals in that match also bring Bedistan to 48 total in qualifying to date. This is the highest goal total in recent World Cup qualifying history and ranks among the best performances in the last forty years, with only WC18 Rejistania (before they became über-Karelan) scoring more frequently:

WC25 (to date): 48 goals (3.20/match) - Bedistan
WC24: 41 goals (2.93/match) - Turori
WC23: 39 goals (2.79/match) - Sarzonia
WC22: 27 goals (2.70/match) - Krytenia
WC21: 34 goals (2.83/match) - The Eagles Nest
WC20: 35 goals (2.50/match) - Svecia and Vilita
WC19: 42 goals (3.00/match) - Squornshelous
WC18: 46 goals (3.29/match) - Rejistania
WC17: 44 goals (3.14/match) - Rejistania
WC16: 30 goals (3.00/match) - Audioslavia

While the Lions are on their longest winning streak ever (15 games), they haven't quite set a record for longest undefeated streak. They're not far off, though:

1. (tie) WC15 qualifying MD5 through second round - 18 games (15-3-0)
1. (tie) WC24 qualifying MD1 through second round - 18 games (15-3-0)
3. WC25 qualifying MD1 through qualifying MD15 - 15 games (15-0-0)

The more observant of you might be able to figure out that this means that Bedistan have managed an inconceivable 30-3-1 record since the beginning of World Cup 24 qualifying, which we're fairly sure pretty much nobody else can boast.

See you in Kaze Progressa and/or Audioslavia.

PALADINS DRAW

[i]Qualification unlikely

Space aliens destroyed my article. The same ones who got to TnUI's signup. There's the news. Good night

Another 90 minute goals leaves Vikings wanting more

It was almost the identical thing. 0-0 entering the final ten minutes. Mike Nolan gets the pass from Laura Boyd and puts it through for the 1-0 lead. But a 90th minute goal by one of the Limbrogidlian forwards saved them from a second loss to the Vikings. The draw leaves Fmjphoenix in a precarious situation.

They have three matches remaining, Oglethorpia at home, Liverpool England away, and they close off the qualification against Ariddia at home. Basically one win will solidify the Vikings a berth to the World Cup in Kaze Progressa. One win in the last three matches is not impossible to imagine as well. Coach Wash looks to the match against Oglethorpia to be the deciding factor. Earlier in the qualifying round, the Vikings suffered a bad loss to Oglethorpia 6-2. It was the second most lopsided loss in Fmjphoenix history, the worst being a 6-0 defeat at the hands of Melmond in World Cup 19 qualifying.

But, Coach Wash has stressed to his boys that this is very important. They must go out and show Oglethorpia that the first match was a fluke and that the Vikings are ready to show them real Fmjphoenix football.

Fmjphoenix Vikings
World Cup 25 Qualification Schedule
MD01: Fmjphoenix @ Druida 1-3 Loss
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs System Karela 4-0 Win
MD03: Fmjphoenix @ Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD04: Fmjphoenix vs Alan Shearer Heaven 3-1 Win
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama 2-0 Win
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Limbrogidlia 4-0 Win
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Oglethorpia 2-6 Loss
MD08: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 1-2 Loss
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Ariddia 1-0 Win
---------------------------------------
MD10: Fmjphoenix vs Druida 1-1 Draw
MD11: Fmjphoenix @ System Karela 3-1 Win
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Alan Shearer Heaven 1-0 Win
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama 1-1 Draw
MD15: Fmjphoenix @ Limbrogidila 1-1 Draw
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Oglethorpia
MD17: Fmjphoenix @ Liverpool England
MD18: Fmjphoenix vs Ariddia

Cafe: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
---------------------------------------
Record: 9-3-3

Viking Goalscorers:
Nolan 12
Ijanaeil 4
Boyd 4
Jenkins 3
Daniels 3
Brown 1

Cor Bensen hated it when a perfectly fine morning went to waste.

He had slept like a kid after a day in Disneyland, eight hours straight without the slightest interruption, which was quite unusual for him the night before a match, especially in a strange bed. Perhaps he should have recognized that as a bad sign.

What he did recognize as a bad sign were the 27 messages on his answering machine. But the Wabbits coach was a man who enjoyed a unhealthy dose of caffeine and a large bowl of choco pops in the morning before doing anything else, so he prepared a large pot of coffee and collected the morning paper from outside his hotel room door, determined to enjoy a nice quiet morning before digging into the last minute injury reports and various other minor panics.

He did actually get to enjoy as much as four spoonfuls of choco pops, but only because he took his time leafing through the first few pages instead of skipping directly to the sports section like he usually did. He coughed up the fifth spoonful, spitting choco pops all over the newspaper.

“Hookers on SFA payroll” the headline said. Cor quickly skimmed through the article, and it was fairly accurate, as far as sensational journalism goes. At least they got the name of the hooker right, and figured out that she was banging the goalkeeper on a regular basis. On the other hand, they made it seem as if this was standard practice in the Spruitland national team – which was wrong, of course – and they pegged Scheefslaeger, the SFA’s chief accountant, as being in on it – which was, well, not totally accurate, at least.

The hotel room door flew open, and Pete Peeters, Cor’s assistant, burst in with a newspaper in his hand. He relaxed slightly when he saw the coach sitting at the table.

“Ah, you saw it. Good, I don’t like being the one to bring bad news.”

Bensen grimaced at his assistant, then motioned towards the pot of coffee. Peeters hesitated for a second, then shrugged, closed the door, slumped down on a chair and poured himself a cup.

“We better start doing some damage control fast though,” he said after his first sip. “Before the news gets through to the relevant parties.”

“I figured that’d already be the case,” Bensen said, motioning at the urgently blinking answering machine.

“Heh, got a dozen or so myself. Two from Martin Backer, ten from that annoying accountant. I stopped listening to them after the third, but from what I could tell, his blood pressure isn’t doing too well.”

“I guess being in a different time zone, he’s had a few hours to get worked up about it,” Bensen grimaced.

“He can work up a coronary, for all I care,” Peeters scowled. “I’m more concerned about our goalkeeper. And his… fiancée.”

“I take it he doesn’t know yet?”

“Naah, he ain’t the newspaper-reading type. In fact, he’s still bangin’ the girl right now. According to Provoost, who has the room next to them, they should be going at it for another…” He glanced at his watch. “…40 minutes at least.”

“Well, he better enjoy it… ‘cause it’ll probably be the last time.” Bensen shoved the newspaper and the bowl of choco pops aside, drank his coffee, and stood up. “Guess I better grab a quick shower before the shit hits the fan. Let me know when Simon’s up and about. I wanna be the one to tell him.”

Peeters nodded, and stood up as well. “And the press?”

Bensen shrugged. “Hold them off for now. I’m not too worried about it, it’ll blow over soon enough. You think the people of Spruitland really care how we spend our government funding? It’s not like we bought ourselves Ferraris and ski cabins in Hockey Canada. We spent a couple of grand on a hooker, for chrissakes. Most Spruitlanders will think it was money well spent.”

* * * * *

The coach’s assessment of the situation had been pretty much spot on. Naturally, the press was on them like flies on cow dung that day, but Bensen had refused all comments, on the grounds of “much more important things to worry about, like playing a football match for instance,” and the players had been briefed to say the same thing.

Back home in Spruitland, they had held a brief press conference, giving a straightforward and honest explanation of the situation, and that was that. The Spruitland public had found it all quite amusing, and if anything, Bensen had gained popularity. Simon Briers, however, did not fare so well.

The goalkeeper had not taken kindly to the news that the girl he was diamond-shopping for had been faking her affection (and probably her multiple orgasms as well) all this time. He had taken the rough edges off his anger by thoroughly demolishing the hotel room furniture – another bill the SFA accountant would not be happy with, no doubt – and then had disappeared for the day.

He missed the tactical briefings, the pre-match warm up, and five minutes before kick off he suddenly showed up, in his keepers outfit, stating he wanted to play. Bensen knew it wasn’t a good idea, but he could hardly refuse.

He was hoping the kid’s determination would pull him through the match, but it didn’t work out that way. Briers was anything but focused, and the Athestan strikers took full advantage of that. It was 2-0 at half time, and Bensen had no choice but to take Briers off, and put Verelst in goal.

The damage was done though. The Athestanis pulled back en masse to defend their lead. Dirk Jools managed to narrow the gap, but 2-1 was as far as they got. Not a big disaster, with The Weegies losing their match as well, but still, not the brightest day in Spruitland’s football history.

Briers was gone by the time the match ended. On a plane to Krytenia, as it turned out, back to his club. Cor hadn’t talked to him yet. Best to give the kid some space for a while, he figured. The next qualifying match wasn’t til next month. Hopefully the goalie could pull himself together by then.

Jeruselem Government News

Hope for Hyppos!

Jeruselem love to make World Cup qualifying fun for others. XXV is no exception. Qualifying is always a drama which sometimes why we call ourselves the "Drama Queens".

Now playing Nova Britannicus is not a game where you just turn up and win. You have to really get going if you want get a win as they have lost 1 game in 14 games so far. Well, Jeruselem failed to impress against the Poms and lost 0-2 for their 2nd loss. They dropped to 3rd again. No panic - we've played the hardest teams early.

San-Lorenzo finally won a game. They played the last placed Jacobian Tribes and got the 3 points to stay, well, 2nd last. Better than a poke in eye with chainsaw.

Oaker overcame a less than impressive Giant Zucchini 1-0 to move back to 2nd and win within the Poms. We did expect Oaker to win, but more like 4-0.

Hypocria move within 4 points of 3rd. They overcame a determined Kunar 2-1 and keep on charging to 3rd if they can. They cannot take 1st spot as it is not likely the Poms will lose the rest of the games, but Oaker and Jeruselem are under threat still.

Chicanada arrested a slump with 2-0 win over Alemeinia. They stay 5th but can only get to 33 points at best - 3rd at best. Hypocria can get to 36 points provided they win their next 3 games.

The next game is critical. If Hypocria lose or draw the next game and Jeruselem win, then the points difference wil blow out to 6 or 7 points. Nova Britannicus and Oaker should qualify with a win or two to secure their places.

GROUP 4
San-Lorenzo 2 Jacobian Tribes 0
Hypocria 2 Kunar 1
Giant Zucchini 0 Oaker 1
Alemeinia 0 Chicanada 2
Jeruselem 0 Nova Britannicus 2


GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Nova Britannicus 15 11 3 1 34 11 23 36
2 Oaker 15 10 3 2 24 12 12 33
3 Jeruselem 15 9 4 2 25 10 15 31
------------------------------------------------------
4 Hypocria 15 8 3 4 24 18 6 27
5 Chicanada 15 6 6 3 23 15 8 24
6 Kunar 15 3 5 7 11 20 -9 14 E
7 Alemeinia 15 4 2 9 18 30 -12 14 E
8 Giant Zucchini 15 1 6 8 13 25 -12 9 E
9 San-Lorenzo 15 1 6 8 8 26 -18 9 E
10 Jacobian Tribes 15 1 4 10 13 26 -13 7 E

2005-11-18

MESS AT WORLD CUP 25 FOR NATIONAL TEAM.

Loyalty Bay - With the recent revelation that the governering body for football in the nation has pulled their entry and replaced it with members of the premier league pundits are skeptical about the future of the nation at this prestigious event.

'Ridiculous' noted one disappointed Brunstone fan when told of the news that his team would be replaced after their 6-0 destruction at the hands of Sarzonia.

The new team, still be completely assembled was surprisingly able to attain a victory despite the short notice for most of the players. Home games will still be played in Brunstone no changes there but the new coach of the national team, Dennis Viltacore (head coach of the North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks)) will have his work cut out for him especially running a 3-4-3 system which he personally is not used to.

'You are talking about a coach who has some experience in international play however he has to get numerous egos together for this thing in less than a day, the fact that they beat Ruventsoria is just outstanding but still do not expect much better results than the Brunstone squad was able to amass', noted one national sports commentator.

Already rumours are ripe on who will be playing on the national team. Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo), of course, is apart of the team and was the only member of the squad to find the net in their first victory as a unit, 1-0 over Ruventsoria. The team that met Ruventsoria doubtfully will be the final team once they hit a few matches and all players arrive from their respected teams in PopularFreedom however for now the following list is who we see as playing for their upcoming games in no specified order:

Goalies:
Jonan Restabull (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks))
Kip Olliwaw (Parkcove Rangers (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Parkcove_Rangers))
Larry Whitecap (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins))

Defense:
Oro Julieson (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks))
Ian Thompson (Parkcove Rangers (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Parkcove_Rangers))
Joshua Glencoe (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins))
Karl Cook (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins))
Bo Yulonkina (Falconpoint Hawks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Falconpoint_Hawks))


Midfielders:
James Roberts (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks))
Alex Walters (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks))
Yakov Dolton (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins))
Craig Figeac (Rockyedge Crushers (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Rockyedge_Crushers))
Tom Pablore (Stornoway Blizzard (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Stornoway_Blizzard))
Dean Coldwell (Stornoway Blizzard (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Stornoway_Blizzard))
Don Blackthorne (Falconpoint Hawks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Falconpoint_Hawks))


Forwards:
Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks))
Walter Dryden (Parkcove Rangers (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Parkcove_Rangers))
Jason Westlake (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins))
Nicholos Atkinson (Rockyedge Crushers (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Rockyedge_Crushers))
Ernest Belgium (Falconpoint Hawks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Falconpoint_Hawks))
Luke Aosta (Falconpoint Hawks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Falconpoint_Hawks))
Timothy Norris (Falconpoint Hawks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Falconpoint_Hawks))

The Daily Druid

DRUIDA THROUGH, BUT NATION ON ITS KNEES
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po Reports

Being vice president of Druida and a notified sports journalist means that I am probably in one of the best positions to make known the feelings of the people right now. President Posters is the only one who might be considered better positioned, but as he's even busier than I am right now, so I'll do it instead.

First up, congratulations to the Druida Rainbows, who have made it to the finals of World Cup 25 after a victory away to little-known n00bs Liverpool England. What's that you say? World Champions? First I've heard about it. Where was that World Cup held? Krytenia. Oh, that might explain it, then. Anyway, congratulations to the boys, and especially to Trefor "Elastic" Edwards, who dared to be different by implementing System Hisisim for this campaign. The results have been an absolute delight.


GROUP 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Druida 15 11 2 2 30 12 18 35 Q
2 Liverpool England 15 11 1 3 32 19 13 34
3 Fmjphoenix 15 9 3 3 27 16 11 30
---------------------------------------------------------
4 Oglethorpia 15 7 4 4 27 23 4 25
5 Milchama 15 6 3 6 25 24 1 21
6 Israel4Ever 15 6 1 8 18 19 -1 19 E
7 System Karela 15 4 4 7 10 17 -7 16 E
8 Limbrogidlia 15 2 5 8 13 24 -11 11 E
9 Alan Shearer Heaven 15 2 5 8 13 25 -12 11 E
10 Ariddia 15 2 2 11 10 26 -16 8 E

However, the major issue in our nation right now is how to stop the Free Alcoholic Army on their biggest drunken rampage EVER!

The entire West side of the country is now completely flattened as their bid for supremecy in our humble nation takes hold. From our border with Rendition to the south to our border with Hockey Canada in the north, what was once a bustling nation filled with proud Druidans has now become a desolate wasteland inhabited by... well, nobody.

The Dodgeball:Goliath attacks have now come as far as what were known as Plaskynaston, Cranbury and Garth. Within the next 48 hours, Soberity city will undoubtedly go the same way. While the President and all our most important staff must stay here in Soberity for as much of this bitter battle as we can, safety precautions have been taken for everyone else. The rest of Druida's most important people have been moved to Druid Tribune on the banks of Bekk, while Druida's remaining matches during this qualifying campaign will be moved to the Histodrome in our former capital. The situaltion has also so far delayed Druida's entry into World Cup 26 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=454490). It is hoped that the city walls will be enough to ensure that Druida lives to fight another day. There seems to be enough of this battle left to offer hope for those of us who remain to keep our nation alive.

Own Goal!
Episode 6: Zucchinis Out But Not Down, Gorton Sad But Does Not Frown

Reporter: Well, the Zucchinis have officially been eliminated for quite some time now. How is the team coping?

Gorton: Well, we’re doing really well, but still gutted with how they fell. I respect the referee, but what he saw I did not see. He has cost us not just the match, but put our team through a rough patch. But Laredo’s been in form, clean sheets have become his norm.

Reporter: Well, the Zucchinis’ performance in this qualifying has generally been regarded as far below expectations. Do you think your job is at risk?

Gorton: People talk about the past; they want us to be there fast. They forget that we are new, this is my first time here too. I say, give the lads some time, I know we’re quite far behind, but we’re making some progress, but if I go we’re one guy less.

Reporter: OK, one last question…what’s with the rhyming today?

Gorton: Don’t know…it comes naturally, something like how my eyes see. But I must agree with you, I think something’s wrong here too. Maybe after one whole day, this rhyming thing will pass away.

To be continued…

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

THE MONASTIC TIMES

DREAM EDDY OVER
Residents of Pantaleimon Monastery no longer residents of 1940s Argentina
Football team's fortunes said to be 'mixed' during communication breakdown

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

The Holy Synod and the Archregimand last night declared the recent 'dream eddy' episode, which had half the residents of Pantaleimon monastery believing themselves to be residents of 1940s Argentina, to be over. The Archregimand was meanwhile furiously denying that the 'dream eddy' was merely a not-particularly convincing cover for a trip to Bangkok with his wife in that mysterious realm sometimes defined by the arcane glyphs 'RL'.

Full communication with ordinary physical reality is in the process of being restored, but in the realm of sport, it would seem that the national football team's fortunes have been somewhat mixed during rounds 9-15. A disappointing draw with WC25 bogey team Adrasavure and a terrible upset 3-1 loss to the troops of Judas Maccabeus (also known as the Macabees) were somewhat outweighed by a breathtaking 3-1 victory over World Cup powerhouse Rejistania.

The Holy Synod hopes to restore match reports tomorrow, once a better understanding of the World Cup qualification picture has been gained, but it the final home match against Svecia is increasingly showing signs of being the crunch qualification game.

ON BEHALF OF ALASDAIR I FROSTICUS

THE HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

NATIONAL SQUAD'S FORM COLLAPSES
"That's more like it!" says coach

By Constantine Ducaso
Archregimancy Correspondent

Communications between the two nations of the Dreamed Realm have been restored following the recent dream eddy in the Archregimancy.

It would seem that during this period of non-communication, the Holy Empire's football squad have failed to win a single game, crashing from the heady heights of third to the more reasonable depths of seventh.

"That's more like it" said coach Juan Tzimisces, said to still be upset over losing the 2000 nomismata he bet on the team finishing bottom of the group "this is precisely the sort of form we expected to show from the very beginning - what a relief to not be winning matches any more. Though that 1-1 draw with Bipedal Apes looks a little suspect".

More news is expected to follow tomorrow.

Jeruselem Government News - Hockey Canada Edition

Canucks qualify for World Cup 25

15 games - and Hockey Canada have made it. Yes, they top Group 9 whith Eauz and TnUI in the same group. Against the odds they have done what the fans want and with style. With just two losses, they've qualified and cannot be dislodged from the top 3.

Eauz and TnUI are close behind with one less win and they can still take top spot from the Canucks. TnUI has the worst goal difference of the top 3 with +6 compared to +16 for Hockey Canada. Hockey Canada is not known for it's attack but look now and you won't have known that at all.

Well done!

As official broadcasts for Nedalian Premier League, we wanted Nedalia to do well. They are two wins from TnUI - meaning they must win all their games including the finale with Hockey Canada. It also means the other two teams must play badly - which we doubt will happen.


GROUP 9
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Hockey Canada 15 10 3 2 29 13 16 33 Q
2 Eauz 15 9 3 3 23 11 12 30
3 Total n Utter Insanity 15 9 2 4 23 17 6 29
------------------------------------------------------------
4 Nedalia 15 7 2 6 29 22 7 23
5 Da WhoseLine People 15 5 5 5 19 20 -1 20
6 Yafor 2 15 5 3 7 16 14 2 18 E
7 RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo 15 5 3 7 20 22 -2 18 E
8 Spaam 15 3 6 6 16 25 -9 15 E
9 Andossa Se Mitrin Vega 15 4 3 8 14 25 -11 15 E
10 Adam Island 15 2 2 11 7 27 -20 8 E

Chicanada Daily Rabbler
Lookit! We snuck in!

Won, But Done.
Back to back wins still see the Kodiaks bounced out. Damn that Tribe.

The National Side needed three straight wins and Jeruselem to loose three straight to qualify for the finals for only their second time.

Well, half that happened today. Thanks to the Jacobian Tribe not pulling another upset after their grand showing at home several matches ago, a mid-season slump kills the Kodiaks off again. Yes, we blame that loss and not the Upset that was our first ever win against Oaker for us not making it. Or that tie against Kunar. Damn overlooking teams.

Anyways.

The Kodiaks got a lovely 1-0 victory over the Giant Zucchini at the Lis Stadium that would have set up a massive match in Hypocria against the Kodiaks biggest rivals (well, in their minds anyways). Now the match is just for pride (as well as a chance to give the Kodiaks a victory for the first time against the Hypocrians)after Jeruselem scored a 2-1 victory over the lowly Jacobian Tribes to clinch the final qualifier to World Cup 25 - Kaze Progress.

Olani Pjan continued to shine, scoring in the 18th minute off a header clearance from the Zucchini side that she intercepted from the defenders.

Expect her to play, along with most of the National Side, to start against Hypocria as the nation attempts to get their first victory in football against the Hypocrians. The National Teams have only one victory against the AO nation - and that was in hockey. Neither the National Side nor the U21 side has won against the team, just managing two ties against them. Expect the nation to be in a frenzy as the teams jockey to finish in 4th for the tourney.

In other news, the CFA has been very pleased with Southampton's Clint Dempsey and has already reneued his contract to be coach of the National Side for the next three cups.

Chicanadan Qualifier Schedule
MD1: v Kunar (W 3-0)
MD2: @ Oaker (L 4-0)
MD3: v Jacobian Tribes (W 2-1)
MD4: v Nova Britannicus (T 2-2)
MD5: @ Jeruselem (T 1-1)
MD6: v Alemeinia (T 2-2)
MD7: @ Giant Zucchini (W 3-0)
MD8: v Hypocria (T 1-1)
MD9: @ San-Lorenzo (W 2-0)
MD10: @ Kunar (T 1-1)
MD11: v Oaker (W 3-0)
MD12: @ Jacobian Tribes (L 2-1)
MD13: @ Nova Britannicus (L 2-0)
MD14: v Jeruselem (T 0-0)
MD15: @ Alemeinia (W 2-0)
MD16: v Giant Zucchini (W 1-0)
MD17: @ Hypocria
MD18: v San-Lorenzo (@ Mogada Arena)

World Cup News
In association with Hellacious Huckleberry Gum

Oaker Choker


It’s all over. A narrow away defeat to top seeded Oaker finally condemned Hypocria to another four year wait for a place in the finals.

The Hyppos threw everything they had at Oaker in the second half, after conceding a first half goal, but the Shark’s defence wouldn’t be breached. When the final whistle blew the players sank to their knees as the defeat and other results made qualification from the group a mathematical impossibility.

Oaker 1 - 0 Hypocria

The matchday 16 results ensured the top three of their places in the finals. Nova Britannicus stay top but dropped points after being held 1 - 1 at home to Alemeinia. Oaker are just a point behind after their win and Jeruselem two points further back after a 2 - 1 win in the Jacobian Tribes. Chicanada move level on points with the Hyppos after a 1 - 0 home win over Giant Zucchini and Kunar and San-Lorenzo drew 1 - 1.

GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Nova Britannicus 16 11 4 1 35 12 23 37 Q
2 Oaker 16 11 3 2 25 12 13 36 Q
3 Jeruselem 16 10 4 2 27 11 16 34 Q
--------------------------------------------------------
4 Chicanada 16 7 6 3 24 15 9 27 E
5 Hypocria 16 8 3 5 24 19 5 27 E
6 Kunar 16 3 6 7 12 21 -9 15 E
7 Alemeinia 16 4 3 9 19 31 -12 15 E
8 San-Lorenzo 16 1 7 8 9 27 -18 10 E
9 Giant Zucchini 16 1 6 9 13 26 -13 9 E
10 Jacobian Tribes 16 1 4 11 14 28 -14 7 E
It’s a strange situation for Hyppos coach Dave Wilson who won’t be heading to the World Cup finals for the first time in quite a number of years. Although after turning Sarzonia into the top nation in world football the veteran coach certainly knows that success does not happen instantly. It takes time and time is something the coach has as the HFA have already expressed their happiness at the work of the Sarzonian and his staff. The fans too are pleased with what they’ve seen particularly after the five match winning streak leading into the Oaker fixture.

“It’s not quite over yet”, assistant coach Gregory Vidal said. “Sure we can’t qualify now but we’re still looking to finish as high as possible. We’ve got a massive game next as we want fourth place but so do Chicanada.”

With Chicanada visiting the Hyppodrome in the next match it’ll be a chance for one of the sides to gain an advantage in the race for fourth. The Hyppos certainly have the psychological edge having never lost to Chicanada in any sport, ever. In fact the Hyppos first ever match in World Cup qualifiers was a win in Chicanada. Add to that a win in the Under-21 World Cup and even an ice hockey victory in the Cherry Cup (see below) and it becomes apparent that Hypocria are on something of a streak against the Kodiaks. And about 1.4 billion people will be hoping that run continues in the capital in the next match.

Qualification Schedule

Jeruselem v Hypocria (1 - 1)
Hypocria v Alemeinia (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (3 - 1)
Giant Zucchini v Hypocria (5 - 1!)
Jacobian Tribes v Hypocria (2 - 2)
Hypocria v San-Lorenzo (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (1 - 0)
Kunar v Hypocria (1 - 3)
Hypocria v Oaker (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (0 - 2)
Chicanada v Hypocria (1 - 1)
Hypocria v Nova Britannicus (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (0 - 1)
Hypocria v Jeruselem (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (0 - 2)
Alemeinia v Hypocria (1 - 2)
Hypocria v Giant Zucchini (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (2 - 0)
Hypocria v Jacobian Tribes (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (1 - 0)
San-Lorenzo v Hypocria (0 - 5)
Hypocria v Kunar (Reef Stadium, Coral City) (2 - 1)
Oaker v Hypocria (1 - 0)
Hypocria v Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
Nova Britannicus v Hypocria


Just for the Record

After reading this particular report in Chicanada’s World Cup coverage;

“The National Teams have only one victory against the AO nation - and that was in hockey.”

We feel we should just set the record straight. After dusting off reports from Cherry Cup 14 we found this little piece of information;

Day 9 Results for Cherry Cup XIV

3rd Airborne Division
Tanah Burung 0 - Liverpool England 2
Chicanada 2 - Hypocria 3
Bipedal Apes 1 - The South Packerlands 5
The Mushroom Kingship 2 - Tonissia 3
Harlesburg 5 - Hockey Canada 3
Robotopolis - bye

And just to underline the point there’s this extract from the Chicanada Sun;

ChicanadaSun
Yeah, we like giagantic names.

Now they lose to that *&!#@&()@#*)&#& Hypocria team? Did we miss the voodoo curse that makes the Kodiaks 0-1-3 (including a pathetic 2-0 loss in the u21s) to the Hypocrians? We thought we could at least beat them in hockey!

There you have it. Hypocria have never lost to Chicanada. Hopefully the curse will hold up for one more fixture.

Casari4sport

You think you're out, and they pull you back in
Lame worn out sayings not enough to stress how close Group 6 has become with 2 Matchdays left

2 Bipedal Apes 16 8 4 4 31 23 8 28 vCAS, @CH
3 Raptor Claw 16 8 3 5 23 16 7 27 vCOR, @CAS
-------------------------------------------------------------
4 Commerce Heights 16 8 3 5 21 16 5 27 @AIF, vBA
5 Casari 16 8 2 6 30 24 6 26 @BA, vRC
6 Praying2God 16 7 3 6 19 15 4 24 vCS, @RI

Argggh. With the final 2 Casaran Matchdays against Bipedal Apes and Raptor Claw, they sure know how to work on the fan's sanity.

Today's match with Alasdair was in full swing and on it's way to a 2-1 Victory when the most important news of a soulless, evil 0-0 tie between Raptor Claw and Bipedal Apes, followed by a CH loss to Praying2God left everyone with a chance withing 4 points of each other with two to play, and the top four teams having at least one game against another top 4 team before the end of qualifying.

Out of all of them, Casari probably has the toughest schedule, having to play both Bipedial Apes away and Raptor Claw at home. Bipedal Apes has Casari then a trip to Commerce Heights, who plays their next match against possible upset Alasdair.

The only team not facing another top team is Praying2God, who needs a multitude of ties for the rest and wins against Cockbill Street and Revolutionarian Island to have a chance.

If anything, crappy results against walkover Corruptomania are absolute murdering our chances now.

Who takes what?

If this were a knockout round we'd be knocked out of the tournament, buts its not. After a 1-1 draw in Tadjikistan, we now end up with a 0-0 draw in Vilita. Not that it mattered much for the Tadjik Tigers who have already qualified, except that they hold on to the first place in group 1.

Little changed in group 1, as the top four all tied to their opposition, for Lethislavania, this meant elimination while Dauna Hills remains in the run for qualification, right behind Vilita. The latter hosts a game against the Lethislavanians on MD17, while the Starblaydians visit Dauna Hills.

Needless to say, matchday 17 is quite important, it could seriously disturb the plans of Vilita and give the Daunaians what they have been looking for. If Starblaydia loses its game in Dauna Hills, it will have to hope the Tadjiks fail to beat Kudlastan.

And this is for the Tadjiks, interesting information. They can qualify as winners of their group, all they have to do is win with a good goaldifference. Things are looking good for the Tigers(they've looked good for several days now ed.)


GROUP 1
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Tadjikistan 16 12 3 1 32 10 22 39 Q
2 Starblaydia 16 12 3 1 33 14 19 39 Q
3 Vilita 16 9 3 4 30 17 13 30
---------------------------------------------------------
4 Dauna Hills 16 8 5 3 20 16 4 29
5 Lethislavania 16 6 4 6 21 21 0 22 E
6 Kudlastan 16 4 5 7 13 21 -8 17 E
7 Kericia 16 4 4 8 16 32 -16 16 E
8 Metfield 16 3 4 9 15 25 -10 13 E
9 Rordia 16 2 4 10 9 20 -11 10 E
10 Da Philelfya Empiya 16 1 3 12 10 23 -13 6 E


Fixtures:
MD1: Da Philelfya Empiya - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD2: Tadjikistan - Kericia W 3-0
MD3: Metfield - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD4: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 1-0
MD5: Dauna Hills - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Lethislavania - Tadjikistan L 2-1
MD7: Tadjikistan - Vilita D 1-1
MD8: Kudlastan - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD9: Tadjikistan - Starblaydia W 3-1
MD10: Tadjikistan - Da Philelfya Empiya D 2-2
MD11: Kericia - Tadjikistan W 0-5
MD12: Tadjikistan - Metfield W 3-1
MD13: Rordia - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD14: Tadjikistan - Dauna Hills W 2-1
MD15: Tadjikistan - Lethislavania W 3-1
MD16: Vilita - Tadjikistan D 0-0
MD17: Tadjikistan - Kudlastan
MD18: Starblaydia - Tadjikistan

thsd:NEWS
Red Letter Day
By Daniel Wheldon in New Moscow

THE Newcommunist Republics were made to look old hat by the Aces in this, the sixteenth game of a long campaign. For once, Gabriel Kennedy failed to score, however Robin Spivey more than made up for this by scoring a stunning first half hat-trick.

NCR never looked in this game, and the second half was more about conserving energy for the upcoming game against Bettia. The game has a lot of pride at stake, with Krytenia now just two points behind the Aroras in second place in the group. See you there!

NEWCOMMUNIST REPUBLICS - 0


KRYTENIA - 3
Spivey 9, 27, 34

The March Of The Aces
By Bill Tulos in Avidia

Following on from their success in the charts during World Cup 23, the Takil Army are back, and this time have teamed up with Krytenian indie rock band the Orlando Pirates to re-record one of their more well-known songs.

Sing it at the DMS against Bettia, why don't you?

Watching the Aces get lairy
Lovitz he lumped on on Blinky
The back of the pack is quite scary
The front isn't too pleasant either
A friend in Gabalfa got beaten
He looked the wrong way at a defenceman
Would never have happened to Neasden
And ol' number ten Kevin
La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I predict a rout, I predict a rout
I predict a rout, I predict a rout

Might as well call you a taxi
The men in sky blue will attack ye
Knock you off each fifty-fifty
Gabey's looking a bit nifty
Girls run around with quarters on
To borrow a goal, they ain't got none
If it wasn't for Hunter, they'd be frozen
They're not very sensible

La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I predict a rout, I predict a rout
I predict a rout, I predict a rout

And if there's anybody left in here
We all want to be out there

Watching the Aces get lairy
Lovitz he lumped on on Blinky
The jack of the pack is quite scary
His name is Van Staveren

La-ah-ah, la la lalala la
Ah-ah-ah, la la lalala la

I predict a rout, I predict a rout
I predict a rout, I predict a rout

And if there's anybody left in here
Cos we all want to be out there

I predict a rout, I predict a rout
I predict a rout, I predict a rout

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 16
R. Spivey: 12
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET ????? (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON ?????

CAFE: N v FMJ ?????

The monks were desperate. They had no success in persuading the parents of the child to allow them to raise the child in the temple. She would have received very good education and would have lived a better and more secure way of life than here in the rural Druida. Even spells did not help. The parents were very sistenha hisisim and therefore strongly opposed to sistenha karela. The monks were close to giving up, but eventually had an idea: kidnapping the girl and bringing her back to Rejistania. Of course this idea was unbelievable takilan. But the monks could help justifying the action by the 'lone striker' argument: One unexpected attack can be used to win a game and to promote karelism.

The first thing they did is leave the town. For some weeks, they were in other places in Druida and pretended to try converting people. Of course they had no large success - they were far away from it. Then on one day, the arrived in the city again. This time in disguise and at night. Fortunately, a window in the house was open a bit, enough so the monks could open it completely via an enchanted pendulum and climb through it. Wilma, as she was called, was sleeping. The monks kept her sleeping by using chloroform and carried her out of the house. On the pillow, they left a note: "Margaret's reincarnation will be ours." This note smelled like several sorts of booze. By this, the monks tried to blame the Free Alcoholic Army. They heard the mother, incidentally named Margaret, waking up and saying: "Wake up! There's something in the house!" Her husband replied: "It's only the cat, sleep on!"

A few spells later, Wilma was in Rejistania. There, she was brought to the Hetkali Central Hospital where she eventually woke up. The doctors did what they were instructed to: tell her that she fell out of the window and that her brain was injured due to that. When she told of her parents or Druida, the doctors told her, she hallucinated.

OOC: While we're on the topic, you mis-spelled "Ariddia". It's starting to annoy me slightly having to repeat it so often, so... It's A-R-I-D-D-I-A. One R, two Ds, two Is. Thank you. :)

OOC: Better than being called Pacitilia instead of Pacitalia for the last two years. ;)

Chi Sun-Times-Tribune-Star-News-Today-Tommorow

Sports Section

Despite Win Qualification Hope Over

The Milchama Warriors were finally eliminated from contention for the World Cup today as despite their win over Israel4ever, Fmjphoenix drew Oglethorpia meaning that no matter what the Warriors cannot finish third. Coach Jonathan Fairbanks said, "Well it didn't look like we were going to qualify anyway and we did everything we could to help ourselves at this stage. Now we must look forward and think about beating teams in the Cup of Harmony." Now onto the match report:

The Warriors came out looking to go to Israel and beat them forever. Unfortunately the match did not start that way as Yossi Benayoun and Michael Zandberg played some good 1-2 passing and created many chances the best of which was a Abbas Suan goal 15 minutes in. After this goal the Warriors defense buttoned down the hatches and tried to stop the Jews from scoring any more goals. They did their job beautifully as Mills Thompson and Silas Milckey stopped pass after pass from going to the wing. Unfortunately though Milckey and Thompson could not stop the relentless Israeli attack. Omri Afek could have scored in the 25th minute of play and Abbas Suan should have had a second only 5 minutes later. Then in the 36th minute disaster struck the Warriors as Benayoun broke free from his marker and found Micheal Zandberg in the box. Zandberg jumped over Kendric Pevington and put his shot strait into the net to make it 2-0 Israel4ever. The half ended with Israel4ever being up 2-0.
Second Half Report:
Milchama came out determined to show who was the better team in the second half and it showed as in only the 46th minute some sustained pressure brought a corner kick. The corner kick brought a goal as Mills Thompson showed some great jumping ability and outrose the entire Israeli defense to score to halve the lead at 2-1. But that was just the beginning of the Milchamian rampage as only 3 minutes later the game was tied when Marc J. Floren shot a rocket from just inside the box. Floren had gotten the ball from Flinters who had outsprinted Afek. For most of the rest of the second half the Milchamians seemed to content to try to push the attack and never looked very menacing (for the entire second the Israelis were on the defensive). Then with 15 minutes left Kunalin decided to speed up the play as put one pass that outran J.J. Faren. After his pass the attack seemed to step up another gear as Flinters, Faren and Rintell started playing keep away. Then in the 84th minute a pass by Kunalin found Faren on the wing. Faren looked like he was going to cross the ball but instead side stepped his defender and went unchallenged into the box where he unleashed a whirlwind shot and that bent around the near post and bent back into the far post to give the Warriors their first lead of the game. They would not relinquish the lead.
Final Score:
Israel4ever 2 (Suan 15, Zandberg 36)
Milchama 3 (Thompson 46, Floren 49, Faren 84)

Canucks Slip Past Sea Dragons


Today the Group 9 leaders barely managed to beat the ASMV squad 1-0, ending the Sea Dragons 4 game win streak. Looks like Hockey Canada will have to wait until the WC proper before choking. :p

"Whew! We almost managed to steal a point" proclaimed team captain, Evan Evans. "That's about as good as it gets."

Next up for ASMV - Nedalia, The team trying desperately to hang on to qualifying dreams. Can we pull the upset and end those dreams? I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Other News from Group 9

Ryukyu continued their upset-minded play by destroying Eauz 3-1.
TnUI managed a 1-1 draw against the superpower, unranked Da Whoseline P
Spaam and Adam Island fought to a 1-1 draw
Nedalia lost 2 much needed points as Yafor 2 pulled off the upset draw 1-1

Can Nedalia qualify? 6pts back - 2 games to go. Hmmmmm

GROUP 9
RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo 3 Eauz 1
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Da WhoseLine People 1
Spaam 2 Adam Island 2
Nedalia 1 Yafor 2 1
Hockey Canada 1 Andossa Se Mitrin Vega 0

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Qualification grows more unlikely

SOMEWHERE (BT) -- Matchday 16 would witness a draw against third-place Fmjphoenix, bringing the Ostriches no closer to qualification and only making the possibility of it even more unlikely. With only two matches remaining, Oglethorpia must now win both; not only that, hope to Space Jesus that Fmjphoenix loses both its remaining matches. In short, at this point not many people are seriously considering the prospect of qualification.

"If it happens, no one will really feel like they attained anything," said coach Torrence Black. "It'll be more a feeling of, 'oh, it happened.' If it even happens, that is."

The Ostriches' sporadic preformance and the good possibility that Fmjphoenix will at least get one point essentially eliminates Oglethorpia all but mathmatically. By mathmatically, when hell freezes over. Regardless, the remaining two matches in the Ostriches World Cup 25 qualifying run are as follows;

MD17: Oglethorpia vs. System Karela
MD18: Israel4Ever vs. Oglethorpia

Joe Staplin of the Oglethorpian Association of Football elaborates on his input through matchday fifteen. "I had earlier said that they'd go 1-1-1; by that, i'm correct; but I incorrectly predicted a loss to Fmjphoenix. Considering the Ostriches' past preformance however, a loss to either Karela or Israel is still completely possible. I maintain a 1-1-1 record for the final three matchdays."

Matchday seventeen is now poised to decide the fate of the Ostriches' possibility of qualifying for WC25; a Fmjphoenix win or draw eliminates Oglethorpia, as well as an Oglethorpian loss or draw. With the unlikelyness of both conditions happening in Oglethorpia's favor two days in a row, few Oglethorpians are on the edge of their seat over the whole deal.

"I'm waiting for next Cup," said one fan.

Wise words -- until then, the Ostriches play towards whatever fate has in store for them.

Michel: Hi, I'm Michel Beauregard.

Yves: And I'm Yves Lacroix. You're watching 67Sports, live at tonight's match against the Gupta Dynasty.

Michel: Certainly a crucial match for the Paladins, since any hope they have of qualifying depends on a strong showing in these final three matches.

Yves: And a win tonight is needed to keep the Paladins from elimination, after EL CID THE HERO picked up a win over Tonissia. Our reporter Brad Weatherspoon was there. Brad?

Brad: Thanks, Yves. I'm here at the Lions-Tonissia match, and it was a strong showing by the Lions to earn themselves three points. EL CID came on hard early and never looked back, running Tonissia out of qualification with a 3-0 win.

Michel (voiceover): What kind of feeling do you get about this EL CID team?

Brad: Not a good one for Paladins fans, I'm afraid. These guys know their in the driver's seat for the third spot, and are determined to stay there. They've got the Caprine States up next, followed by the Gupta Dynasty.

Yves (voiceover): Care to step out on a limb for the Caprine States game?

Brad: No.

Yves (voiceover): Alright, thanks Brad. We'll be right back after these messages.

(later)

Michel: This is 67Sports, live at the Paladins-Gupta Dynasty match. We’re in our studios here at the Paladin Dome in New Montreal. The fans have turned out en masse tonight, hoping to see the Paladins through to victory.

Yves: This are local boys out there tonight, the Lycée Foxboro, from the suburbs. You’ll notice a fair amount of green and silver out there with the Paladins blue and silver, as Lycée students and alums show their pride.

Michel: They’ve got a bit of a chip on their shoulders as well, after a disappointing draw in the first half of qualifiers. Team captain and left back Jordan Bierbaum expressed his “confidence that we’ve managed to put that last match behind us” in the pre-game conference.

(later)

Michel: ...just hit the 25th minute, with the Paladins offense and Guptan defense about evenly matched out there.

Yves: Bernard St-Jean steals a pass, moves it forward. Pass to Bouchard, he dribbles it forward. He loses the ball, the Guptan defense moves to clear it out...St-Jean knocks the pass from midair towards the net! The keeper is completely off-guard by that and it’s 1-0 Paladins!

Michel: I don’t think the keeper’s alone. 21 other people on that pitch didn’t see what was coming.

Yves: Neither did St-jean. He’s just staring at the net. Bouchard has to poke him to get him to return to the center.

(later)

Yves: ...time runs down, and the Paladins jog off to the locker room up by 1.

Michel: Spectacular half. A solid performance by a midfield that was looking shaky against EL CID.

Yves: Well, that’s not the same players out there tonight as they were last match. And you’ll notice Branstone’s shifted the midfield a bit, from 3 pairs of 2 to two pairs of three.

(later)

Michel: Guptans have come out all fired up and ready to play. It’s the 55th minute, and the ball has hardly left the Paladins third since the start of the half.

Yves: Bédard’s been solid in goal, but unless the defense can step up the pace a bit, he’s bound to crack eventually.

Michel: He just did. Deflected a shot, and the Guptan forward was there for the tip-in. 1-all.

Yves: Calisse.

Michel: You’re on live, national T.V.

Yves: I think the viewers stand behind me on that one.

Michel: True.

(later)

Michel: We’re in stoppage time now, with the clock running down on the Paladins qualification hopes.

Yves: And possibly coach Branstone’s job.

Michel: That’s true. He’s been reportedly threated with the sack if the team ends up in 5th place again.

Yves: Andre Legaud is coming up strong, off the bench for Valois. Legaud’s coming up - feints a shot - and the Guptan keeper buys it! WE WIN, with 10 seconds of stoppage time left, not much the Guptans can do.

Michel: Watch it, ya never know.

Yves: The ball is dropped, and Legaud sends it back to St-Jean, who sends it flying into the Guptan backfield. Time’s up! We have something to play for when we travel to beard the Pagan Judeans in their lair. I’m Yves Lacroix.

Michel: And I’m Michel Beauregard. See you next time on 67Sports!

Jeruselem Government News

Group 4 doors shut! Hyppos locked out!

It's over. The top 3 for Group 4 of the World Cup 25 have been decided.

The top 3 will be Oaker, Jeruselem and Nova Britannicus (not in that particular order). Match day 16 results confirmed this.

Jeruselem beat fellow Holy Landers Jacobian Tribes 2-1 to score another win which made Hypocria's campaign harder. Not the best of wins, but that's what counts. 3 points more towards qualifying, simple as that. It's the maths that counts in the end.

Nova Britannicus played a lacklustre game, drawing with Alemeinia 1 ALL. Another point, but they stay on top of Group 4 one point over Oaker. Two games left, the any of the top 3 can be the top team.

Chicanada scored another win - too little too late. The win over Giant Zucchini 1-0 moved them to 4th over Hypocria. Both these teams cannot make the top 3 anyway, it's time to play for pride.

1 ALL draw between Kunar and San-Lorenzo, with no impact on the top half. The bottom 5 will go home as they are. This has been a lop sided Group 4 with 5th having almost twice as many points as 6th.

The BIG game - Hypocria vs Oaker. Jeruselem beat Oaker 2-0 before after losing 1-2 last time. Could the Hyppos do the same? With Jeruselem winning, they had to win or it was all over - gone - going home. Well, Oaker didn't fail Jeruselem. They did win 1-0 and the loss ended Hypocria's run of wins. 7 points behind Jeruselem, Hypocria tried and failed to catch the top 3 after a bad first half of qualifying.

GROUP 4
Jacobian Tribes 1 Jeruselem 2
Nova Britannicus 1 Alemeinia 1
Chicanada 1 Giant Zucchini 0
Oaker 1 Hypocria 0
Kunar 1 San-Lorenzo 1


GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Nova Britannicus 16 11 4 1 35 12 23 37 Q
2 Oaker 16 11 3 2 25 12 13 36 Q
3 Jeruselem 16 10 4 2 27 11 16 34 Q
--------------------------------------------------------
4 Chicanada 16 7 6 3 24 15 9 27 E
5 Hypocria 16 8 3 5 24 19 5 27 E
6 Kunar 16 3 6 7 12 21 -9 15 E
7 Alemeinia 16 4 3 9 19 31 -12 15 E
8 San-Lorenzo 16 1 7 8 9 27 -18 10 E
9 Giant Zucchini 16 1 6 9 13 26 -13 9 E
10 Jacobian Tribes 16 1 4 11 14 28 -14 7 E

Stars rebound, close to clinching group title

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- After the Sarzonian national football team lost a World Cup qualifying match for the first time since World Cup XXII qualifiers, the Stars looked to rebound in their first real home fixture in four matches. The match against Euroslavia was moved to Hypocria after Incorporated Football Federation officials expressed concern about safety.

The Stars seemed to enjoy the home cooking, getting goals from Jarret Sanderson and Jenna Raven and a five save outing from Horace Sandt en route to a 2-0 win that all but clinched first place in Group 5.

"We showed an ability to bounce back from disappointment," Sarzonia coach Barry Owens said. "We did that in Audioslavia against Liverpool England and we did that here tonight, although tonight's stakes weren't quite as great. We've just got to make sure we don't slip up when it could cost us a chance at the World Cup."

Sarzonia played like a team that was eager to get going and dominated Spookyville from the opening kickoff. They held the ball for a full 58 minutes to Spookyville's 32, outshot Spookyville 18-10, and had nine corner kicks to Spookyville's two. After a rare off performance, Sandt was sharp in goal and defender and team captain Trevor Crenshaw said it was a "total team effort.

"If we could play all our matches like that, we'd accomplish something great," he said. "We still haven't gotten there yet."

The Stars (12-3-1, 39 points) wouldn't be blamed if they had their eyes set on Bedistan, who defeated the Weegies 3-1 and sport a 16-0-0 record in Group 7. But the team said it was focusing more on Hypocria, who were eliminated from World Cup contention with a 1-0 loss to Oaker. Despite the loss and despite former Sarzonia Coach Dave Wilson's miss of the World Cup finals for the first time since World Cup XVIII, the Stars are upbeat about the Hyppos' chances under Wilson.

"Dave Wilson is a proven commodity," assistant coach Cal Trottier said. "We saw him take this team from a perennial Cup of Harmony side to world champions. We look forward to seeing how far he can take them in the years ahead."

HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

HOLY EMPIRE FINALLY ABLE TO POST STORIES AS ITSELF!!!
Imperial Football team eliminated from World Cup

By Constantine Ducaso
Archregimancy Correspondent

Page 1:
<long boring story about end to communication breakdown snipped>

Pages 2-25:
<several long and not at all boring stories extolling the virtues of the Basileus' wisdom and inspired rule snipped>

Pages 25-35:
<several possibly slightly more boring figures about the Holy Empire's latest economic figures snipped>

Page 36:
<feel-good story about roller-skating ducklings snipped>

Bottom right hand corner of page 35, disguised as an advert, and ripped out of many people's newspapers before delivery:

A 2-1 loss to Casari has eliminated the Holy Empire from the World Cup. Coach Juan Tzimisces has been quoted as saying "Finally.... Frankly, that should have happened a long time ago. I'm sure it's come as a relief to all of us." The Basileus' reaction is unknown.

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

THE MONASTIC TIMES

LOSS TO SQUORNSHELOUS LEAVES MONKS WITH MOUNTAIN TO CLIMB
Coach hopes for hilltop revelation

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

The Archregimancy's 2-0 home loss to runaway group 2 leaders Squornshelous, combined with Svecia's narrow 1-0 victory over Brazillico, has left the squad with a metaphoric mountain to climb in order to qualify. They remain five points behind Svecia with only two matches left - with only the knowledge that the final match is at home to the Lightening offering the monks with any real hope.

"Well, Moses climbed Mount Sinai to receive the 10 Commandments, and Our Lord and Saviour both resisted temptation from the mountaintop and provided us with a mighty sermon from another mountaintop. So climbing a mountain - whether metaphorical or real - should be seen as a challenge to be embraced, not as an obstacle to final victory" said Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, who may have been standing too close to the cadila's incense fumes during the pre-interview liturgy. "We can still qualify"

Captain Fr. Polycarp the Venerable is said to be contemplating retirement following a loss which he characterised as 'disappointing'. "While we should give thanks to the Lord our God for the victory over Rejistania, that magnificent result should not hide the fact that otherwise our recent results have been poor - a 2-3 home loss to the Lowland Clans, a 4-1 loss to the Macabees, a 1-1 draw with Adrasuvare, and now we've failed to mount a reasonable challenge to the group leaders. While through trust in the Lord all things are possible, I fear we'll need somewhat more practical help in the forthcoming two matches in order to qualify. As for myself, perhaps the time has come to devote more time to spiritual, rather than footballing, matters. I miss the peace and quiet of full-time monastic life."

HEFA officials have meanwhile denied engaging in preliminary planning for the forthcoming Cup of Harmony and WC 26 - "third time lucky!" said an anonymous archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity while strongly stressing the potential significance of the trinitarian number.

OOC: Better than being called Pacitilia instead of Pacitalia for the last two years.

OOC: Heh... I'm not sure "better" is the word that springs to mind. ;)

IC:
Another loss, and two games to go

Ariddian team coach Adam Seul, by now well versed in the arduous practice of seeing the best in each of his team’s numerous defeats, seemed fairly cheerful after Ariddia was defeated two goals to one by Liverpool England on home ground, in Stade National Rêvane Sud.

Goalkeeper Sandrine Leduc was finally allowed back onto the pitch following her two match suspension, just in time to take on the defending champions in what was expected to be an interesting but highly one-sided encounter. The twenty-four year-old in the green goalie’s suit was clearly rearing to go.

“She’s got a lot of pent up energy that’s been building up by now,” team mate Kolo Kouassi joked before the game. “Now she needs to release it all against the... uhm… English Liverpudlians?”

The game started at a fast pace, but despite several narrowly missed opportunities on each side, it was still a goalless draw by half time. Perhaps because of this, the Ariddians intensified their attack in the last forty-five minutes, cheered on by a home crowd, and left their defence perhaps a little too neglected. Yves al Jahdali led his fellow defenders in some excellent playing, but it could not last forever. By the sixty-fourth minute, Liverpool England opened the score at last. The second goal came by the eightieth minute, and by now Ariddia’s hopes of a draw were beginning to look extremely shaky.

“If we’d tried only defending,” Ariddian captain Ue Alt estimated later, “we’d have been thrashed. We needed to press forth every advantage we had, keep them occupied, force them to play on their side of the field, limit their opportunities. And that’s what we did. This was probably the best result we could have hoped for.”

The Rouge-et-Noirs were able to avoid a dreaded goalless defeat thanks to midfielder André Delherbe, who scored his first ever national goal in the ninety-first minute of the game.

“I can’t say we’re delighted with the result,” Seul summed up. “But, all in all, I can’t say I’m displeased with it either. We made the defending champs struggle for their three points, and I think many of us will be rather pleased with that.”

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

We're still in it!

After the Elrichian Press finally stopped their 6-month strike today, the people of Elrich woke up to the fact that their beloved Badgers still had a chance (albeit a small one) of World Cup 25 qualification. Mike Bassett's side currently lie in 7th position, but are only 5 points off 3rd placed Hurfodia. However with only two games remaining, Elrich would have to win their two remaining difficult games and hope for a huge sting of results to go their way..... But after a bottom-placed finish in their last campaign, things are looking brighter for the Badgers.

The table as it stands today

GROUP 8
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Turori 16 10 5 1 27 10 17 35 Q
2 One Red Dot 16 10 3 3 27 18 9 33 Q
3 Harlesburg 16 7 4 5 25 15 10 25
--------------------------------------------------
4 Hurfordia 16 5 7 4 26 21 5 22
5 Aztec Kingdom 16 6 3 7 20 26 -6 21
6 Oliverry 16 5 5 6 20 20 0 20
7 Elrich 16 6 2 8 19 23 -4 20
8 Swilatia 16 4 5 7 18 26 -8 17 E
9 Ratlea 16 3 5 8 13 19 -6 14 E
10 Crendonia 16 2 5 9 9 26 -17 11 E

The scores so far...

Elrich 0 Oliverry 1
Swilatia 1 Elrich 0
Elrich 0 Aztec Kingdom 3
Elrich 3 Ratlea 2 - Mudge, Elrich, Banks
Crendonia 1 Elrich 1 - Elrich (pen)
Elrich 0 One Red Dot 2
Harlesburg 2 Elrich 1 - Zebedee
Elrich 2 Hurfordia 0 - Mudge (2)
Turori 0 Elrich 1 - Mudge
Oliverry 3 Elrich 4 - Elrich (2), Mudge, Singh-Queen
Elrich 2 Swilatia 0 - Mudge, Grimble
Aztec Kingdom 3 Elrich 1 - Elrich
Ratlea 1 Elrich 2 - Elrich, Jones
Elrich 1 Crendonia 1 - J Spinks
One Red Dot 2 Elrich 1 - Mudge
Elrich 0 Harlesburg 1

Despite a disastrous start to the campain, with only 4 points from the first 7 matches the Badgers have recovered to still have a glimmer of hope. The Conures of Hurfordia, who were the first team to ever beat Elrich, in the regional semi-final of the Baptism of Fire travelled to the Elrich Arena, with Bassett's job hanging in the balance. However a 2-0 win saved Bassett's job, and proved a turning point for his side. A fantastic 1-0 win at league leaders Trurori (their only defeat of the campaign) was followed up with a 4-3 thriller against Oliverry, in which Dan Singh-Queen sent the Elrichian fans wild with a last-gasp winner. A win over Swilatia had the Elrichians dreaming of World Cup 25 but they were brought down to earth with a bang after the Aztec Kingdom won 3-1. Another win against struggling Ratlea was followed by a dissapointing second draw against bottom placed Crendonia, in a game Elrich simply had to win. Two defeats on the bounce against One Red Dot and Harlesburg have made very qualifying only a mathematical possiblility, but one the Kingdom of Elrich will cling to as long as it exists.


FINAL FIXTURES

MATCHDAY 17
Aztec Kingdom vs Oliverry
Trurori vs Swilatia
Hurfordia vs Elrich
Harlesburg vs Ratlea
One Red Dot vs Crendolia

MATCHDAY 18
Aztec Kingdom vs One Red Dot
Crendolia vs Harlseburg
Ratlea vs Hurfordia
Elrich vs Turori
Swilatia vs Oliverry

Basically, Harlesburg should qualify, with their final matches against the two bottom teams. Just one win should pretty much see them through.

For Elrich to qualify, they'd realistically need

Harlsesburg to lose both matches
Elrich to beat league leaders Trurori and Hurfordia
Aztec Kingdom to not win 1 of their games
Oliverry to not win 1 of their games

It is possible, keep the dream alive!!

Woodstock Daily Mail
Sports Column

Morgan Weldham

Owens, Stars not resting on their laurels

With Sarzonia officially clinching the Group 5 title ahead of 12th ranked Crystilakere after defeating Ruvenstoria 2-1, the Sarzonian national football team looked as though they would simply give most of the starting 11 a rest and mail in the final result of World Cup XXV qualifying. However, Coach Barry Owens had a different idea.

"We're playing Bakostrovia, who are fighting to get in and they're now level with Five Civilized Nations for the third spot in the World Cup," he said. "But for Bakostrovia to get in, they're going to have to beat us at [Bryan Marshall Stadium] to get the third berth. Whoever I start is still going to have to do the job."

Spoken like a true Stars head coach. Owens has grown into his role as the man replacing Sarzonian legend Dave Wilson as the field boss. Even though Owens served one World Cup as the head coach of Legalese, he still had some learning to do, he says.

"Legalese was a different situation," Owens said. "There, I was working to build a programme that had potential but hadn't realised it yet. I had a blank slate with which to work. Here, I came in with the pieces already in place from a programme that already won a world championship and came up just short in the last World Cup.

"When you're a veteran assistant, you always have ideas of what you'd like to do differently with a football team of your own. When you've been a head coach somewhere and you take a reduced role with another team, you desperately want to get back to being the head man. However, the equation changes when you take over a team that's been successful and expects success."

The Stars certainly fit that profile. After the World Cup XXII finals throttled the team into the world's number one ranking with its first-ever World Cup title, the Stars have had a tight grip on the world's number one ranking. In their World Cup title defence campaign, they fell short at the semifinals, losing to nemesis Rejistania 2-0 before beating the Bedistan Lions 2-0 to take third place. One cup later, in Dave Wilson's final go-around with the Stars, they came within overtime of winning their second Cup and running through the World Cup qualification and finals rounds unbeaten.

The players say Owens "had the right approach," as soon as Dave Wilson stepped aside to take over at Hypocria.

"When you have a successful team, or a successful venture, and you're coming in, you don't need to reinvent the wheel," forward Brian Wilson said. "My father put an excellent system in place, refining what Bryan Marshall did, and Barry decided not to mess with it. It was an excellent move."

"If you take over as a new head coach, you've pretty much got to decide what to change first. You can't change everything," defender and team captain Trevor Crenshaw said. "The temptation to blow the whole thing up is there when the team's not successful, but that causes more growing pains than it does away with. With a successful team, you run the risk of trying too hard to put your stamp on the team. Barry knew what buttons to push and what buttons to let go of."

Owens said being an assistant coach to Dave Wilson on the World Cup XXIV edition of the Stars helped him decide what to leave in and what to replace.

"I got a good sense of what the team's strengths were and what its needs were," Owens said. "Being on the sidelines helping Dave out was worth more than any film sessions could ever be." He said the two-leg friendly derby against Dave Wilson-led Hypocria and the Jeremy Jaffacake Jamboree prior to World Cup XXV helped his team tremendously.

"Every time you get a new coach, there's a period of getting to know the team and the players," he said. "You have to spend some time adjusting to each other and learning some basics, like who does well in certain roles and who has the potential to be the breakout player. And who's the malcontent."

Owens learned the last lesson the hard way. Midfielder Jarret Sanderson spouted off about Sarzonia's hostile relations with Euroslavia, earning him a fine and a suspension from the team for one match. It also earned him a gag order that Owens only lifted after the team's match against Spookyville.

"This World Cup is still going to be a learning experience for us," Owens said. "Hopefully, Jarret will take those lessons to heart."

For his part, Owens seems to have warmed to his new role replacing a legend as the team's head coach. The Stars are 13-3-1 with 42 points. Only two teams (Bedistan and Squornshelous have better qualifying records than Sarzonia's 42 points. Sarzonia are level with Tadjikistan for the third best record in World Cup qualifying, with a one goal differential giving Sarzonia the slimmest edge.

"Records now don't mean a whole lot, to tell you the truth," Owens said. "We've got one goal we haven't met yet, and that's to bring another World Cup title to Sarzonia."

Spoken like a Stars head coach.

Casari4sport

Corruptomania Comes through with tie against Raptor Claw
1-0 Win against Bipedal Apes leaves Casari in it's hightest position of Qualifying

GROUP 6
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Cockbill Street 17 13 0 4 30 16 14 39 Q
2 Commerce Heights 17 9 3 5 25 17 8 30
3 Casari 17 9 2 6 31 24 7 29
-------------------------------------------------------------
4 Bipedal Apes 17 8 4 5 31 24 7 28
5 Raptor Claw 17 8 4 5 23 16 7 28
6 Praying2God 17 7 3 7 19 17 2 24 E

Doctor visits due to stress are nearing a record high as four teams manage to teeter on the brink of qualifying. And for one time in the history of the universe, Casari's not on the outside looking in.

And, by a perverse mode of scheduling, the entire result relies on just 2 matches tomorrow, as Casari plays at home against Raptor Claw and Bipedal Apes visiting the Capitalizts of Commerce Heights.

So, what does everyone need to Qualify anyway?

Commerce Heights needs to win or tie.
Casari needs to win or tie with a CH win, tie, or a loss by more than 1 goal.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bipedal Apes needs a win
Raptor Claw needs a win

In what boils down to a win or go home situation, the hardest part in the whole situation is definately waiting.

World Cup News
In association with Hellacious Huckleberry Gum

Bloody Typical


Isn’t it though? You spend the entire second half of qualifying chasing the top three sides, praying that they might drop some points here and there and then, when qualification is no longer possible, Oaker draw while Nova Britannicus and Jeruselem both lose. On the plus side the Hyppos did record their sixth win in eight matches since the halfway point.

Despite the fact that the three qualification places are sewn up the matchday 17 clash at the Hyppodrome was certainly no glorified friendly. The stadium was packed to the rafters and fans of both Hypocria and Chicanada alike knew their sides were playing for both pride and valuable ranking points.

Once again it was the Hyppos who got the better of the Kodiaks in a sporting fixture. It was a good game settled in the end by a single goal. Experienced striker Andrei Shirko proved to be the match winner when he headed home Bercali’s cross in the second half. It was the Hypocrium City striker’s seventh goal of the campaign and his twenty fourth strike at international level. The win moves the Hyppos onto thirty points, three ahead of Chicanada and a country mile in front of fifth placed Alemeinia.

Hypocria 1 - 0 Chicanada

In the other games the top three struggled, leaders Nova Britannicus were beaten 1 - 0 at former World Champions Giant Zucchini, Oaker were held goalless in San-Lorenzo and Jeruselem lost out to the odd goal in five away to Alemeinia. Bottom side Jacobian Tribes recorded a decent 2 - 0 victory in Kunar.

GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Nova Britannicus 17 11 4 2 35 13 22 37 Q
2 Oaker 17 11 4 2 25 12 13 37 Q
3 Jeruselem 17 10 4 3 29 14 15 34 Q
--------------------------------------------------------
4 Hypocria 17 9 3 5 25 19 6 30 E
5 Chicanada 17 7 6 4 24 16 8 27 E
6 Alemeinia 17 5 3 9 22 33 -11 18 E
7 Kunar 17 3 6 8 12 23 -11 15 E
8 Giant Zucchini 17 2 6 9 14 26 -12 12 E
9 San-Lorenzo 17 1 8 8 9 27 -18 11 E
10 Jacobian Tribes 17 2 4 11 16 28 -12 10 E
With just the one game left there are still a couple of issues left to be decided, one at the top and one at the bottom. The Bluebirds are top but only thanks to goal difference on Oaker and the right set of results could also see Jeruselem take top spot in the final match. At the other end of the table the Tribes’ win in the last game means they are now just a single point away from second from bottom San-Lorenzo. Giant Zucchini are the other side in danger of finishing with Group 4’s wooden spoon.

Qualification Schedule

Jeruselem v Hypocria (1 - 1)
Hypocria v Alemeinia (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (3 - 1)
Giant Zucchini v Hypocria (5 - 1!)
Jacobian Tribes v Hypocria (2 - 2)
Hypocria v San-Lorenzo (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (1 - 0)
Kunar v Hypocria (1 - 3)
Hypocria v Oaker (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (0 - 2)
Chicanada v Hypocria (1 - 1)
Hypocria v Nova Britannicus (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos) (0 - 1)
Hypocria v Jeruselem (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (0 - 2)
Alemeinia v Hypocria (1 - 2)
Hypocria v Giant Zucchini (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (2 - 0)
Hypocria v Jacobian Tribes (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (1 - 0)
San-Lorenzo v Hypocria (0 - 5)
Hypocria v Kunar (Reef Stadium, Coral City) (2 - 1)
Oaker v Hypocria (1 - 0)
Hypocria v Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0)
Nova Britannicus v Hypocria

BSTV SPORTS TODAY
with Mike Green III and Ryan Morgan

Mike: Well, folks, the steamroller just keeps on rolling as the Bedistan Lions win an unprecedented seventeenth consecutive qualifying match in very convincing fashion, 4-1 over Spruitland at Fillmore. Ryan, give us the rundown.

Ryan: Well, it started early, Billy English receiving the ball from Romano here and taking a shot that caught Simon Briers completely wrong-footed to put the Lions up one-nil in the ninth.

Mike: Frankly, Ryan, I'm surprised Bensen put Briers in the starting lineup for the match; he's been looking woefully out of form lately, and it showed throughout the first half here.

Ryan: Well, we go to the 33rd minute now, Westinghouse with an excellent dispossession of Fritz Wigmeister, something she's actually fairly used to doing, as Wigmeister plays for Bucks Lake in the BPL. She crosses it over to Michael Porter on the wing, and again Briers looks completely out of it as Porter doubles the score.

Mike: Because of that, it wasn't much of a surprise when Cor Bensen decided to take him out and put Tristan Verelst between the sticks for the second half.

Ryan: Yeah, Verelst definitely showed a stronger performance; he still let two goals in during the second half, but he seemed to be under very heavy pressure the entire time from the Lions offense. The Wabbits did pick up a goal of their own, Dirk Jools saving a little bit of pride with his 60th-minute shot to make the score 3-1, but the home side was definitely dominant and finished with a 4-1 win.

Mike: I'm a bit worried, Ryan.

Ryan: Worried? Why would you be worried? The team's having its best performance in its eighty-year history!

Mike: Precisely my point. This can't go on forever. Sure, it's our best qualifying run ever, but I can very easily see us proceeding to have our worst World Cup performance since World Cup 14.

Ryan: How'd we do in Fourteen?

Mike: Two draws, one loss. Draws with Oglethorpia and Giant Zucchini, loss to D2R.

Ryan: It can't be that bad.

Mike: Mark my words, Ryan. After going perfect 18-0-0 in qualifying, we'll be drawn in a group with Vilita, Jeruselem, and Bakostrovia, and we'll go 0-0-3.

Ryan: Who the slani hell is Bakostrovia?

Mike: No idea, all I know is they're ranked 179th but are nevertheless in fourth place in their group trailing Five Civilized Nations only on goal difference.

Ryan: Wait a minute, a 179th-ranked nation has a serious possibility of qualifying?

Mike: That's right.

Ryan: That would be awesome if they did. Who do they play in their final match?

Mike: Um...Sarzonia.

Ryan: Well. (pause) Anyone know where I can get some Bakostrovian apparel to wear when I watch that match?

Mike: Try The Third Half down on 49th Street. They've got just about anything football-related you can think of there.

Ryan: Will do.

Mike: All right, it's time for a commercial break. Coming up: the weekend college gridiron rundown, including details of that big upset, Paruvia Tech over Ari.

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia's fate to come down to the last matchday

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- To preserve their hopes of qualification the Ostriches needed to make a win on matchday seventeen and hope Fmjphoenix lost; and that is precisely what happened. With Oglethorpia's victory over System Karela and Fmjphoenix's defeat to Liverpool England, the Ostriches are still mathmatically in it to qualify for World Cup 25. But with Fmjphoenix facing a weak side from Ariddia just back into international play, it seems unlikely Ariddia will execute the victory needed to let the Ostriches slip into third place in group three. On matchday eighteen Oglethorpia also needs to beat Israel4Ever, a side they previously drew; while the day deciding the squad's fate has been pushed to the final day of qualifying, it looks unlikely that things will fall in The Ostriches' favor one more time.

"We've been pretty lucky thus far -- on matchdays sixteen and seventeen we could've been eliminated, but weren't," said coach Torrence Black. "But even though we're still in it, I really don't think we'll get the luck again. Especially with Fmjphoenix vs. Ariddia to end out qualifying; i'm not counting on Ariddia winning, no offense."

The Ostriches end their qualifying run visiting Israel4Ever -- all they can do now is play their best and hope for a miracle in the Fmjphoenix-Ariddia matchup.

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg
TWO SHOCK RESULTS GIVE ELRICH HOPE

HURFORDIA 2 - 4 THE KINGDOM OF ELRICH

The most fantastic of displays from Elrich's national side in Hurforida has kept the Badger's World Cup dream alive. In a gripping end-to-end encounter it was Mike Bassett's side who came out on top, inspired by a heroic hat-trick display from young striker Jamie Mudge. The result, coupled with Harlesburg's shock 1-0 home loss to already eliminated Ratlea mean that the Badger's will go into their qualification match against table topping Trurori still with a chance of qualification.

The match was of huge importance to both sides, with both knowing that realistically a win was the only result which would give them a chance of qualification. Hurfordia, who famously knocked Elrich out of the Baptism of Fire and went on to win the competition, lined up in their usual 4-4-2 formation, with Cornelius Sulla - the man who ripped Elrich apart in vilita - operating in a midfield role. Mike Bassett persisted with his usual 4-4-2 formation, but knowing a win was what was needed played usual attackers Jimmy Grimble and Dan Singh-Queen in midfield roles, with John Spinks and Matthew Allen dropping out.

Elrich, playing in their all yellow away kit started brightly and a Banks header was well tipped over by the Conure's keeper Steve Sedley in the early stages. The Badger's continued to put pressure on the Hurfordian defence but it was the Conures who opened the scoring. Cornelius Sulla, the man who broke all of Elrich's hearts at the Baptism of Fire, did so again. A slip by Zebeddee on the left wing on 28 minutes left Adams outnumbered on the flank, allowing Sulla to cut inside and curl a delightful shot into the far top corner of Banks' goal. The goal was something special.

Elrich responded well, and Banks was unlucky to see a 25 yard drive fly just over. Despite all of Elrich's possession, they failed to create many chances on the Hurfordian goal, and the teams entered the dressing room at half-time with score at 1-0.

What Mike Bassett said to the players at half-time must have been one of the most incredible team talks of all time.

The Badger's came out a changed side, with confidence, passion and commitment. A crunching Banks tackle in midfield saw the ball break to Elrich, who played a well weighted through ball down the centre. Mudge raced onto it, and got there just before the keeper to prod home the equaliser on 49 minutes. Two minutes later and the Elrichian fans were in ecstacy. A Hurfordian corner was cleared to Dan Singh-Queen deep inside his own half. Queen danced down the right wing, with no one up ahead of him. He skipped past the challenge of Terry Woods crossing the half way line, and sprinting deep into the Conures' half. Where was the support? Jamie Mudge was racing down the centre screaming for the ball. On the stretch, Singh-Queen drilled a high cross field ball in front of the onrushing Mudge just outside the D. Mudge connected with an incredible left-foot flying volley which saw the ball thunder into the top right hand corner of the goal. Mudge was ecstatic and the 400 travelling Elrichian fans went mental.

Elrich were arguably playing their best passing football in living memory and it was 3-1 after 64 minutes. Captain Elrich saw a 20 yard drive tipped round the post but from the resulting corner Robin Banks rose above Hopkins to swede past Sedley and give Elrich a 2 goal cushion.

Hurfordia needed to react and did, putting the Elrich defense under considerable pressure, with a goal-line clearance from Barry Scott saving the day for the Badgers. However it was 3-2 on 76 minutes. A cross from Thierry La-Salle was hlaf-cleared and allowed Alan Denning a shot on goal. The effort appeared to be heading wide but a fantastic flick from James Holsworthy diverted the ball into the corner of the net, and gave the Hurfordians hope.

Elrich clearly panicked, sinking deeper and deeper into their own penalty box. An aerial barrage was thrown at them but Spinks and Jones defended heroically. On 82 minutes Sargeant broke through for the Conures only for Spinks to save the day with a fantastic last-gasp sliding tackle. The pressure was mounting and on 88 minutes Hurfordia defender Ryan Hopkins had the chance to level it up. From a right-wing corner Hopkins was unmarked and six yards out but could only head straight at Burns who palmed his shot away. Mudge emerged with the ball and with all but the goalkeeper forward for Hurfodia sprinted clear. Mudge raced the whole length of the pitch and went clean through on goalkeeper Sedley. Sedley rushed out and Mudge knocked the ball past him. It was a heavy touch but from the tightest of angles Jamie Mudge slotted it home and lept over the barrier and into the ecstatic Elrichian fans. His heroic display not only puts him down in Elrichian folklore, but a Harlesburg loss, a Oliverry draw and an Elrich win in the final Matchday 18 would see Elrich in the World Cup finals for the first time in their history. Here's for dreaming.


Hurfordia 2 (Sulla 28, Holsworthy 76)

Elrich 4 (Mudge 49, 51, 89, Banks 64)

Lineup
Elrich - Burns, Scott, Adams, Jones, P Spinks, Dan Singh-Queen, Zebedee (Ino 90), Banks, Grimble (J Spinks 75), Elrich (N'Stein 82), Mudge


GROUP 8
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Turori 17 11 5 1 30 10 20 38 Q
2 One Red Dot 17 11 3 3 28 18 10 36 Q
3 Harlesburg 17 7 4 6 25 16 9 25
---------------------------------------------------
4 Oliverry 17 6 5 6 22 20 2 23
5 Elrich 17 7 2 8 23 25 -2 23
6 Hurfordia 17 5 7 5 28 25 3 22
7 Aztec Kingdom 17 6 3 8 20 28 -8 21 E
8 Ratlea 17 4 5 8 14 19 -5 17 E
9 Swilatia 17 4 5 8 18 29 -11 17 E
10 Crendonia 17 2 5 10 9 27 -18 11 E

thsd:NEWS
So Much For The Rout
By Daniel Wheldon in Everton City

THE Takil Army's lyrical perdictions proved wrong as Krytenia failed to turn over a determined opposition at the Davis Memorial Stadium, with the hosts drawing a match for the first time. The Phoenician referee, was, thankfully, much more adept than Blinky McGee (even if he did smell strongly of coffee) as Aces and Aroras shared a goal apiece.

Bettia went into an early lead with Chris Hutton netting from an excellent McKinnon cross, however the lead lasted just two minutes as Gabe Kennedy continued his rich goalscoring vein with a powerful thirty-yarder. Despite many chances (Hunter and Keda each hitting the post), the score remained one-all, and honours even.

A visit to Tonissia closes out the Aces' qualifying campaign, and DVS is expected to name a second string side for the match. See you there!

KRYTENIA - 3
Kennedy 12

BETTIA - 0
Hutton 10

Crunch Time Below
By Bill Tulos in Kaza City

HERE in Kaze Progressa, and in Audioslavia, the great and the lucky of NationStates football will congress to attempt to win the football world's most coveted prize. Krytenia and yesterday's opponents Bettia will both be there, but below that it's a three team free-for-all. El Cid, the Goats, and NMS are all vying for a place. It is, however not that clear-cut, with El Cid The Hero and The Caprine States facing each other.

Here's the state of play for qualification:
The winner of El Cid vs The Caprines will qualify.
If this game is a draw, NMS will qualify with a win.

Good luck guys, you may need it.

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 17
R. Spivey: 12
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON ?????

CAFE: N v FMJ ?????

Ariddia 0-2 Druida

It was under fairly intense rain that Ariddia went down by two goals to nil, facing Druida in Haven-Port-Nouveau Stadium for their penultimate game. The performance re-awakened Ariddian concerns, as their participation in the competition draws to a close.

“We’re used to losing, I suppose,” Ue Alt admitted, “but we’ve also grown used to at least scoring a goal or two as well.”

The Rouge-et-Noirs will be facing Fmjphoenix on matchday 18. The latter are not yet qualified, and will be putting every effort into winning. Likewise, Ariddia will be determined to bow out on a high performance, and will be looking to deny them victory.

Fans in Oglethorpia will also be fervently hoping for an unlikely Ariddian win, which, while doing nothing for the Rouge-et-Noirs, would propel the Ostriches into the final stages of the Cup.

“I’m not counting on Ariddia winning, no offence," was the assessment made by Oglethorpian coach Torrence Black.

Some Ariddian players have expressed concern that a poor performance in the finals days of the qualifying stages will not make them attractive to foreign clubs. Young midfielder Ta I, however, shrugged off that concern.

“Don’t care,” she said simply. “I enjoy playing in Ariddia. I’m hoping we can surprise everyone by giving Fmjphoenix a right proper thrashing,” she added cheerfully, “but just for the sheer sake of it.”

LA'KANVALI!LA'KANVALI!LA'KANVALI!LA'KANVALI!
was what the newsticker at the stock exchange in KaMaRi kali said after the match against the Lowland Clans. Also in other parts of the Rejistanian island, people started celebrating. It is not that qualification was not expected. It is rather that "la'kanvali" (qualified) or "la'kanvali'het" (the state of being qualifiied) (both expressions exist) is a reason for the rejistanians to party. Even though the karelan temple regulated the celebrations this time more than it was normally, people were having fun. The Rejistanians still disliked Hatime I Ra~e with passion, but today, they could forget it and cheer for the Orange-Blues as normally. Han'il, rejistaniha! han'il junis-omeh'ny!

2005-11-20

WORLD CUP NATIONAL SQUAD NOW 3-0 SINCE REPLACING BRUNSTONE AT WC25.
Defeat Five Civilized Nations in recent triumph at home.

Brunstone, PopularFreedom - After being hit with a hurricane on Friday night, coupled with their team playing a relegation match 800 kilometres away today, one could excuse the hometown Brunstone fans if they choose not to show for today's World Cup match. These fans however are true football patriots happily willing to watch World Cup calabre matches as they came out in droves for today's match.

'How often are you going to see players from numerous BFL teams playing alongside each other', noted one ethusiastic fan. True most of the players playing are substitutes on their teams however you do still have a few noteables including the very famous Shawn Peruvo of the North Beach Sharks.

Today's match again proved that the players on each squad could put aside their personal differences and play as a unit as could be seen after the squad's first two goals.

The first one happened in the 21st minute when Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) (North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks)) took a corner kick and arched a shot over the net to an awaiting Jason Westlake (Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins)) who blasted it right back to a blitzing Peruvo who blasted a shot to the left corner past a mesmerized Five Civilized Nations goaltender.

The Brunstone fans burst in celebration at the goal as World Cup commentators marvelled at the accuracy of the passing between Westlake and Peruvo.

In the 34th minute it was Peruvo and Westlake again, this time Peruvo wove his way through two defenders before popping the ball back with his heel to an onrushing Westlake who made no mistake and targeted a shot into the right top corner for the second goal of the match and a 2-0 PopularFreedom lead.

With the PopularFreedom squad dominating the match coach Viltacore substituted them both off in the second to the disappointment of the fans, though to the benefit of the team as others got some much needed playing time. Five Civilized Nations did rally late in the match scoring a goal at the 90th minute to bring them to 2-1 however by then the match was relatively over.

After the match Westlake and Peruvo both talked to the media about their breathtaking display of talent.

'This is fun, this is what football is suppose to be about', noted a smiling Peruvo.

'Creativity, we both have a ton of creativity, hopefully we can have more games like today to put on a show for the fans', noted a delirious Jason Westlake.

Asked after the match whether he expected more PopularFreedom teams to be put together in light of the success of this 'super squad' over the last 3 matches coach Viltacore shook his head. 'Getting the North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks), and Paradise Dolphins (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Paradise_Dolphins) to work together is not that difficult, but had we had any of the teams that have had brawls recently it would have been an entirely different ordeal. This team works cause there is relatively little recent history between players on this team, get members of the Ravens and Eagles for instance in on this however and that would destroy the chemistry of what is working so well thus far for us'.

OOC: The below assumes that goal difference remains more important in determining NS WC qualification than FIFA's now-preferred RL system of head to head results - is this correct?

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

WORLD CUP TONIGHT

With Fr. Nicholas the Scribe and Fr. John the Golden-Throated

"So... Fr. John... you're quite sure you're not going to dance the tango for us tonight?" <laughs>

"Absolutely, Fr. Nicholas - just so long as you're equally sure you're not going to lead a coup against the monastery's governing junta!" <both laugh>

"Anyway, on to football... high drama overnight..."

"Absolutely, Fr. Nicholas. With minutes left in our match in Brazillico, and Svecia's home match against the Solar Association, it looked all over. We were drawing 1-1, and the Svecians were winning 2-1..."

"And then what happened?"

"Well, let's look at the highlights of our match....

It all started so brightly. The Brazillicans kindly anticipated our objections to playing on a Sunday, and provided us with a chapel for the pre-match liturgy. We went out spiritually refreshed, and theologically fired up. The Brazillicans barely knew what hit them when we scored after only 90 seconds... Fr. Polycarp disposses the heretical Brazillican midfielder, sends it forward to Fr. Silouan, who catches the surprised home defence flat-footed, and slides the ball under the on-rushing 'keeper. 1-0, and with news filtering through in the next few minutes of the Solar Association taking a surprise 1-0 lead away to Svecia, it looked like a miracle was in the offing.

But those who presume upon the favour of the Lord are often disappointed. And so it was in this case as the Brazillicans started to re-group. Our defence - who had been in unreliable form during the 'dream eddy', keeping Rejistania at bay one week, shipping four to the Maccabees the next - looked nervous. Perhaps there was something they needed to confess, as they were lucky not to give away a 30th minute penalty following this dangerous tackle from Fr. Michael the Lesser.

The Brazillican pressure paid off in the 44th minute when Fr. Dmitri the Humble was penalised for some uncharacteristically sinful shirt-pulling just outside the area, and Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed could do nothing to stop the resulting free-kick. So at half-time it was 1-1, and with the news that Svecia were now winning 2-1 at home, the mountain suddenly looked too high to climb - we were going home and out of the tournament.

But whatever Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky said at half-time worked. If not a Sermon on the Mount, perhaps it was at least a sermon on climbing the qualifying mountain, because the lads came out in the second half with a renewed sense of purpose. Fr Silouan... Fr. Nicholas... Fr. David the Water-Drinker... all missed good chances - as you've just seen, Fr. Nicholas in particular will want to repent for missing a sitter.

But with 80 minutes gone, it all seemed over. There would be no miracle. The Lord was punishing us for our sins. But then the extraordinary happened... A crunching tackle on Fr. David led to the Western Rite midfielder being stretchered off and replaced with Fr. Constantine the Learned. During the delay, coach Kyrill gathered his players at the halfway line and heard the confession of all of the on-field XI. He then sprinkled them with Holy Water, and sent them out with orders to score. At that very moment, news came through from Svecia that the Solar Association had scored an unlikely 82nd minute equaliser. When the match re-started, the lads poured forward as the Brazillicans defended magnificently. But in the 86th minute, the Brazillican defence cracked. Fr. Silouan was dragged down in the penalty area. The referee awarded the spot kick over the howling derision of the home fans, and Fr. Polycarp scored the penalty that kept us in the tournament... the miracle had happened"

"God be praised, Fr. John!"

"God be praised indeed, Fr. Nicholas - but yesterday's miracle shouldn't hide the scale of the task we face in the final match. If my calculations are correct, we need to beat Svecia by an unlikely four clear goals - and that would be a miracle."

"But we beat them 2-1 away the last time we met, and through God..."

"...all things are possible. Indeed they are, Fr. Nicholas. But at the same time, a little qualification humility would be good for the soul. We've come down to a final match in both of our attempts to qualify for the World Cup so far. That in itself is a remarkable achievement, and we shouldn't forget that."

"What about the other groups, Fr. John?"

"Group 1 is done and dusted - Tadjikistan, Starblaydia and Vilita, as expected, are through. Dauna Hills are the best of the runners up.

Group 2 is our group. Squornshelous and Rejistania are through, Svecia look likely to join them, we need the aforementioned miracle, and the Lowland Clans will surely be disappointed at their poor campaign. The heretics of Pastorville were a surprise to many.

Group 3 is slightly closer than ours. Druida and World Champions Liverpool England qualified easily, but FmjPhoenix and Oglethorpia are separated by only two points going into the final match - the former are surely favourites given that the Ostriches have to win and hope their rivals lose.

Group 4 is over. Nova Britannicus, Oaker, and Jeruselem are merely fighting to see who finishes top. The fast-improving friendly Hyppos of Hypocria will likely finish top runner-up.

Group 5, however, is a nail-biter. Sarzonia and Crystilakere are through, but Five Civilized Nations and Bakostrovia are equal on points, with the 'Nations holding a slight goal difference edge. Kylaai, three points behind, can theoretically still qualify, but need both of the teams directly above them to lose and overcome a goal difference 17 goals behind the 'Nations and 14 goals behind Bakostrovia. Unlikely.

Group 6 is even closer. Only Cockbill Street are through. Then Commerce Heights are one point ahead of surprise package Casari, who are themselves one point ahead of both Bipedal Apes and Raptor Claw. The 3rd, 4th, and 5th place teams have identical goal difference, and the 2nd place team is a mere one goal ahead of that lot. Even the wisdom of Solomon couldn't help predict tonight's outcome here.

Group 7 is another one where it's all over. Bedistan, Lovisa and Spruitland are through. The Weegies look like being top runner-up, but this group was never less than a stroll for the top three. Bedistan, incredibly, have won all 17 of their matches.

Group 8 is another nail-biter - though not as close as group 6! Turori and One Red Dot are through fairly easily. Harlesburg are currently in third, two points ahead of both Oliverry and Elrich, and with much better goal difference. Lurking in 6th are Hurfordia, three behind Harlesburg, but with slightly better goal difference than the 4th and 5th-placed teams - if they win by three, Harlesburg lose by three, and both Oliverry and Elrich fail to win, they'll sneak in.

Group 9 finds us with another done and dusted scenario. Cup of Harmony winners Hockey Canada have, finally, qualified in style. Bravo to them, even if their lifestyle is somewhat non-monastic. They're joined by TnUI and Eauz - Nedalia will no doubt be disappointed to finish fourth.

Finally, we have another close contest in Group 10. Bettia and Krytenia are through, but only one point separates EL CID THE HERO, Caprine States, and fellow Orthodox nation New Montreal States. EL CID have the best goal difference, but it's desperately tight. The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy have sent a letter to the Patriarchate of the New Montreal States to indicate that the prayers of all Archregimancy citizens are with our friends in NMS as they attempt to qualify tonight."

"Thank you, Fr. John - and goodnight!"

(OOC: Yes, We do still follow GD, but the hosts might have decided not to use it?)

FALE backs Oglethorpia to qualify despite possible hosting bid with Fmjphoenix
The FALE have backed Oglethorpia to qualify from their World Cup 25 Group 3 qualifying group ahead of Fmjphoenix despite what many claim to be a possible World Cup 26 hosting bid in the works with the latter.

Oglethorpia are two points behind Fmjphoenix, and both teams have one game to play. To secure qualification, Fmjphoenix must not win, and Oglethorpia must win by at least 4 goals.

FALE chief Syku Lyku was quoted as saying "it'd be great if Oglethorpia made it in, I'll be rooting for them."

Adam Island 0 Total n Utter Insanity 2

We wonned wellly with more goals than them.

Agddahrehatrb Adfjaldgji, Aquillan for Hire.

HOLY EMPIRE HERALD

ROT NOT STOPPED
Imperials crash to Commerce Heights

By Constantine Ducaso
Archregimancy Correspondent

The Holy Empire crashed to another fully expected defeat overnight, this time losing 1-4 at 'home' to Commerce Heights - a team they'd managed to defeat 2-1 away in the first leg.

"Since that first Commerce Heights match, we've failed to win a single game." said coach and World Cup Hall of Fame legend Juan Tzimisces. "Two draws and something like seven losses in nine matches! Now that's the sort of form I was expecting us to display - none of this nonsense involving upsetting top 30 teams in our first world cup in ages."

"What a relief to finally be losing!" added captain Juan Tzimisces Jr. "Though Dad's still upset about losing that bet on finishing last in the group - why, we won't even finish in the bottom two!"

HEFA officials are said to be as baffled by the Imperials' total lack of form in the second half of the qualifying tournament as they were by the bizarre freak victories in the first half. A senior official was overheard mumbling something about 'Giant Zucchinis', though what an oversized courgette might have to do with the squad's strange first half run of victories remains a mystery for the time being.

CHEAT Headquarters, Prontera, Chorion

Brad Liang (President, Capitalizt SLANI): We need to talk, Paul.

Paul Iñaki (Coach, Commerce Heights Capitalizts): About what?

Liang: Nothing in particular. I just want to work on that RPG…uh…whatever.

Iñaki: No, I think you should ask me what it’s really called.

Liang: Why?

Iñaki: Just to make the conversation longer.

Liang: Well, what is it really called?

Iñaki: It’s the RP bonus. As in RP bonus machines. Forget that for our next conversation, it’d be nice if you ask it again. Anyway, we’d better find a real subject of conversation before we get caught for Spaaming.

Liang: Spaaming? What’s that?

Iñaki: Long story.

Liang: Well, from what you’ve said about this RP thing, long stories will help our team.

Iñaki: But if I talked about that, we’d get caught for Spaaming. We can talk about what that means some other time. Continue.

Liang: That was quite a match you had against Alasdair I Frosticus.

Iñaki: Yep, 4–1 win, and we’re in second place.

Liang: Too bad you’ve got more work to do before you declare victory. We’ve got to win or draw Bipedal Apes next we—

Iñaki: Draw Bipedal Apes? That’s child’s play. Get my team some crayons, Mr. President!

Liang: No, you know how it is, with C4™ raising prices and all…

Iñaki: You’re right. Anyway, got some pencils? Pens? For slani’s sake, we might even be able to do it digitally!

Liang: You know that’s not what I meant. You need to score at least as many goals as the opponent.

Iñaki: You sound like a Karelan!

Liang: I most certainly am not one!

Iñaki: But you’re a sympathizer! I can tell!

Liang: Insubordination. I’ll put that in your file.

Iñaki: Only if we can’t carry out this terrible Karelan deed, right?

Liang: Well…for you, yes.

Iñaki: Anyway, do you have any ideas for strategy?

Liang: Because, as I said, I’m not a Karelan, I won’t suggest the obvious strategy, to surround the goal and force a 0–0 draw. Just play it like any other match.

Iñaki: But if we lose—

Liang: Then they’ll have to do it despite the confusion of us moving the match to Capitalizm. Then they’ll have to deal with the roar of nearly 100000φ fans.

Iñaki: Yes, that’ll certainly make it tough for them. Great ideas!

Liang: There’s one more thing we could do…

Iñaki: Well, don’t keep it to yourself, Mr. President!

Liang: We could use the partisan vaˈkarelaˈny technology developed by the CHFF a while ago to make the Bipedal team play like a bunch of Rejistanian apes. It hasn’t been tested since SLANI took over, but we should be able to get it up and running with some additional resources from CHEAT.

Iñaki: Isn’t that sort of stuff unethical or something?

Liang: Since when did Capitalizts care about ethics?

Iñaki: Since the Capitalizt Revolution. It’s certainly different ethics than the rest of the world follows, but it’s just as important to us as System Karela is to Rejistania.

Liang: Anyway, we may have to cross the line a bit to qualify for the Cup. You have a problem with that, Paul?

Iñaki: No, Mr. President.

Liang: Good. Not a word of this to your team, understood?

Iñaki: Understood.

Liang: Dismissed.

PAGAJEUCIANISM ATTACK

Upset win by Guptans wasted as Paladins get stuffed two-all; Branstone announces new practice methods

PAGAJEUCIANISM - Eliminated from qualification, the Pagajeucianism team seemed to delight in playing spoiler to the Paladins, pulling out a 2-2 draw after seizing a 2-2 lead in the early going.

Early miscommunications in the midfield led to the Paladins giving up two goals to the inspired home team, and the crowd helped keep the Paladins down for a 2-0 end to the first half.

News of EL CID dropping a stunner to the Gupta Dynasty fired up the Paladins in the locker room, and they came out determined to seize command in the race for the third spot in the group. The damage had already been done, however, and although Nicholas Beaupré and Charles Pontiac found the net in the second half, the Paladins dropped two points, coming up short on a final drive in stoppage time when the opposing keeper managed to smother the ball and kick it practically back to the NMS net.

Meanwhile, coach William Branstone announced that he had hired (well, made a donation to the home monastery of) a group of three talented monastic cantors to chant a Typica and the troparia of the day following every practice. Branstone himself is not Orthodox, but the majority of his next batch of high schoolers is (as are most NMS citizens), and he hopes to inspire his players "and maybe get a little help in securing a draw betwixt the Lions and the Caprine States."

Newcommunist Republics are next, the Paladins need a win to maintain any hope of qualification.

Vikings in must win situation, face Ariddia to end qualification

A third draw in a row and a loss have sent the Vikings into a must win situation against Ariddia at home. Mike Nolan has been Fmjphoenix's saving grace the entire qualification, scoring his 13th and 14th goals in the draw to Oglethorpia. But when the team went to face Liverpool England, they came out flat in a 3-0 loss that has sent the Vikings into a emergency situation. And it appears as if the football world is out against the Vikings this time around, as a few teams have already stated thoughts of the Ostriches.

Despite everyone counting the Vikings out, they will be coming out with everything they have. They are viewing this as THE match. Coach Wash has stated his team will be going all out to win.

"We are being counted out already. We have to show these guys that we are legit and that they are wrong for thinking we wont win. So we are going to show the world that we are a elite team and that we will win and go to the World Cup."

Fmjphoenix Vikings
World Cup 25 Qualification Schedule
MD01: Fmjphoenix @ Druida 1-3 Loss
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs System Karela 4-0 Win
MD03: Fmjphoenix @ Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD04: Fmjphoenix vs Alan Shearer Heaven 3-1 Win
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama 2-0 Win
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Limbrogidlia 4-0 Win
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Oglethorpia 2-6 Loss
MD08: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 1-2 Loss
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Ariddia 1-0 Win
---------------------------------------
MD10: Fmjphoenix vs Druida 1-1 Draw
MD11: Fmjphoenix @ System Karela 3-1 Win
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Alan Shearer Heaven 1-0 Win
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama 1-1 Draw
MD15: Fmjphoenix @ Limbrogidila 1-1 Draw
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Oglethorpia 2-2 Draw
MD17: Fmjphoenix @ Liverpool England 0-3 Loss
MD18: Fmjphoenix vs Ariddia

Cafe: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
---------------------------------------
Record: 9-4-4

Viking Goalscorers:
Nolan 14
Ijanaeil 4
Boyd 4
Jenkins 3
Daniels 3
Brown 1

ONE... MORE... GAME

Rordia need to beat Kericia in their last World Cup qualifier to ensure that they will not finish bottom of Group 1.
The Ballerinas are 9th with 10 points, just one point ahead of bottom team Da Philelfya Empiya, who face Dauna Hills in their last match.
Despite the possibility of finishing bottom, Rordia manager John Swift isn't worried. He said: "We have completed our objectives, and even if we do finish bottom, we won't be downhearted. But finishing the campaign above at least one team will be a big bonus for us. 10 points from 17 games is good for a new team like us."
Rordia could also end up finishing 8th, if they win against Kericia and Metfield lose to Lethislavania.
But no matter what happens, Rordia's fans will be very proud of their team. Siamo uniti.

Possible Scenarios:
RORDIA LOSE, EMPIYA LOSE - Empiya bottom
RORDIA LOSE, EMPIYA DRAW OR WIN - Rordia bottom
RORDIA DRAW, EMPIYA LOSE OR DRAW - Empiya bottom
RORDIA DRAW, EMPIYA WIN - Rordia bottom
RORDIA WIN - Empiya bottom

Cuation make late surge up the table

We are sorry for the lack of news recently as the civil war cuased all commincations outside of the nation to be cut off. Now the Imperial Forces have repelled the rebels and began the counterattack. The manager Jude hopes to return after the qualfication games are over.

Since the shock defeat to Athestan, the team suffered two further defeats resulting in a four game run of defeats. However after a suprising win over Kipto-Mare, the team have clambered up the table to put late pressure on Athestan for sixth place.

Cuation 1 Lovisa 2

Cuation slid down one place after a credible defeat to second place Lovisa. In a hard fought match, Cuation's defence was the first to be breached, Gary Jens unable to do much about the shot. A tricky Giovanni managed to hit a spetacular crossfield pass for Timothy Ashton to equalise with a powerful volley.

The team fell behind when Sol Major misjudged a cross to allow Lovisa striker to put the team back in front. If sub Rual Mendiz hadn't let the ball get under his feet in injury time, maybe Cuation could have equalised but overall Lovisa deserved the win

Bedistan 4 Cuation 0

Despite being away to the unbeaten group leaders, this result was humliating. The team sl;id to the bottom and looked demorlised as soon as the first goal went in. 3-1 down at half time, Bedistan relaxed and Igor made three changes, bring in defensive players thus only one more goal was conceded,

Cuation 4 Kipto-Mare 0

Facing a team four places above them in the group and much higher in the krp rankings, Cuation's run looked set to continue. However Lady Luck was flirting with Cuation this day, in the first five minutes, Gary Jens was cuaght out of his area but the resultant chip hit the angle and bounced out.

Then Heskey Anderton burst into the box from the left before hitting a low cross, a wicked deflection taking it away from the goalie and to Peter Tanner, the shot then took a wicked bounce to confuse the keeper

The next goal, just before half an hour had passed settled the match, a corner powered in by Jonathan Yan The home crowd where delighted as the confidence in the players seemed to rise.

The game remained goaless until sub Rual Mendiz latched onto Abel Robinson's through ball and slotted home. The rout was complete when Jamie Hargreves was teed up and the drive deflected beyond the keeper.

The team moved up to one place off the bottom

Cuation 1 Demonlord12 0

A boring game where neither side created much, Cuation grabbing an early goal then stifling the game to its end, never again leaving thier own half. The result sent them up to 8th place and within a point of both Kipto-Mare and Athestan but unable to climb higher then sixth.

The only goal of the game came in the 15th minute, Roy Ferguson getting awya with a dirty tackle, bursting into the box and shooting the ball between the legs of the goalie.

Next Match vs the Weegies

The last match of both teams for this World Cup, Cuation go into this wanting the win to climb up the group but are the underdogs. The Weegies have far more points and are a stronger side. Defeat is to be expected

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem reserves lose game, but it doesn't matter

With the top 3 decided in Group 4, it seems they are resting their stars. Well, this is concluded from the results of match day 17.

Jeruselem's reserves lost to Alemeinia 2-3 in game where the coach was messing around with different team formations. Alemeinia deserved their win but the Jeruselem coach had rested most of the senior players for this game.

Giant Zucchini had something cheer about. They beat top team Nova Britannicus 1-0 in game which could have secured the top spot for the Poms. This is their 2nd loss so far, but the top 3 have lost 7 games in total between themselves so it does't mean much.

Oaker played a less than convincing game - they drew with San-Lorenzo NIL ALL in a game which should have enabled to leapfrog into 1st. Oaker are still 2nd - on goal difference.

Poor old Hypocria. They beat rivals Chicanada 1-0 and stay 4th but cannot move to 3rd as they have lost 5 games which cost them in end. If they played better earlier, maybe they would be in the top 3.

Jacobian Tribes beat Kunar 2-0 to record their 2nd win.

All in all, the top 3 slacked off and Hypocria are unlucky.

GROUP 4
Kunar 0 Jacobian Tribes 2
San-Lorenzo 0 Oaker 0
Hypocria 1 Chicanada 0
Giant Zucchini 1 Nova Britannicus 0
Alemeinia 3 Jeruselem 2


GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Nova Britannicus 17 11 4 2 35 13 22 37 Q
2 Oaker 17 11 4 2 25 12 13 37 Q
3 Jeruselem 17 10 4 3 29 14 15 34 Q
--------------------------------------------------------
4 Hypocria 17 9 3 5 25 19 6 30 E
5 Chicanada 17 7 6 4 24 16 8 27 E
6 Alemeinia 17 5 3 9 22 33 -11 18 E
7 Kunar 17 3 6 8 12 23 -11 15 E
8 Giant Zucchini 17 2 6 9 14 26 -12 12 E
9 San-Lorenzo 17 1 8 8 9 27 -18 11 E
10 Jacobian Tribes 17 2 4 11 16 28 -12 10 E

Sea Dragons Fall To Lions 2-1

The Nedalia Lions came into this game needing a win and a TnUI loss to keep their qualification hopes alive. The Lions took care of their business, as once again ASMV ended up on the wrong end of a 2-1 score. Unfortunately for the Lions, TnUI won their own match sealing the group.

The only score for ASMV was Pablo Iglesias on a shot that hit the bar and bounced into the back of the Nedalian keeper's head and into the net. Unlikely, but effective.

1 Hockey Canada
2 TnUI
3 Eauz

Great job on qualifying to you all.

Everything has been decided
But there's still a last match, that will be more than interesting

The Tadjik Tigers grabbed their last 'easy' points against the Kudlastani's yesterday in a match that was dominated by the Tadjiks for most of the time. Kudlastan made a desperate attempt in the last minutes of the second half to change that situation but they got no further than a single goal.

In the time before that one goal the Tadjik Tigers scored four times. Salenko made the first goal in the seventeenth munite with the help of Pliiev, who scored the second goal thelve minutes later. The Tadjik fans then had to wait till the fifteen minute of the second half to see Szarmach score with header after a cornershot. The last Tadjik goal followed two minutes later when Szarmach managed to break free from his guard and manuevre past the Kudlastani goalkeeper.

Tadjikistan was already qualified but the Sadirov brothers now set their senses on the first place in the group in an effort 'To stay in condition and gain more experience'. Knowing their last match will see them play the Starblaydians, that wont be to hard. Tadjikistani's and Starblaydians havent exactly been friends and after their defeat in Dushanbe, the latter will want to take revenge.



GROUP 1
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Tadjikistan 17 13 3 1 36 11 25 42 Q
2 Starblaydia 17 13 3 1 34 14 20 42 Q
3 Vilita 17 10 3 4 32 17 15 33 Q
---------------------------------------------------------
4 Dauna Hills 17 8 5 4 20 17 3 29 E
5 Lethislavania 17 6 4 7 21 23 -2 22 E
6 Kericia 17 5 4 8 18 33 -15 19 E
7 Kudlastan 17 4 5 8 14 25 -11 17 E
8 Metfield 17 3 4 10 16 27 -11 13 E
9 Rordia 17 2 4 11 10 23 -13 10 E
10 Da Philelfya Empiya 17 2 3 12 13 24 -11 9 E


Fixtures:
MD1: Da Philelfya Empiya - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD2: Tadjikistan - Kericia W 3-0
MD3: Metfield - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD4: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 1-0
MD5: Dauna Hills - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Lethislavania - Tadjikistan L 2-1
MD7: Tadjikistan - Vilita D 1-1
MD8: Kudlastan - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD9: Tadjikistan - Starblaydia W 3-1
MD10: Tadjikistan - Da Philelfya Empiya D 2-2
MD11: Kericia - Tadjikistan W 0-5
MD12: Tadjikistan - Metfield W 3-1
MD13: Rordia - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD14: Tadjikistan - Dauna Hills W 2-1
MD15: Tadjikistan - Lethislavania W 3-1
MD16: Vilita - Tadjikistan D 0-0
MD17: Tadjikistan - Kudlastan W 4-1
MD18: Starblaydia - Tadjikistan

Margaret was distraught. The karelan monks had taken her precious Wilma, and there was nothing now that she could do but weep.

"They... they just took her!" she cried out to anyone willing to hear. "My baby!"

At this point, there was a knock at the door. Margaret went to the door and answered it.

"Are you Margaret?"

These people looked familiar. They looked just like the people who had just taken her little child away. But she knew that it wasn't them. Their voices... they sounded a little more... local.

"Yes. Yes, I am. Why?"

The visitors bowed down in front of her.

"WE WORSHIP YOU, OH MARGARET!"

"What... what are you doing?"

"Well, can't you see? You're the chosen one?"

"Chosen one?"

"Yeah. The messiah! The second coming!"

"Second coming? Where to?"

"To our earth!"

"But? Are you crazy or something?"

"No. You are the reincarnation of our sacred prophet."

"No I'm not. Go away."

"Well you would say that, wouldn't you?"

"Of course I would. Because I'm not."

"No, because you are. But you can't just go round telling everyone you are, they'll never believe you! Now come on, you can admit it to us!"

"Really! It isn't me! You have the wrong person!"

"Well, your name is Margaret, isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Then it is you!"

"But there's thousands of Margarets in Druida alone! There's all the ones from Margaretisation, plus any others that come along, so what makes me so special?"

"Because... you are the chosen one!"

"Who by, you lot?"

"No, by the random number gods!"

"Blimey! You really are having a laugh now, aren't you! And what do they do then? Take dead chickens in return for football results?"

"YOU ARE THE MESSIAH! HAIL! HAIL MARGARET!"

"STOP IT! STOP IT!!!"

"But why? You must come with us, and live a life of luxury!"

"I've told you... wait, luxury, did you say?"

"Well, yes. We want only the best for those we praise."

"Well, I... no, wait, there must be some sort of catch! I'm not coming, and that's that! Now go away!"

"She won't come with us! Only the one who is pure enough not to accept such lavish treatment is worthy of our praise! HAIL MARGARET!"

"But I..."

She didn't get to finish her sentence. The hisisim monks, for that is who she had fathomed them out to be, swept her off her feet and out around the streets of Morton Harkett.

"What will my husband say?"

"You have a husband?"

"Of course."

"So you are not so pure as to be our..."

"No, of course not. In fact, I'm a bit of a filthy slag when it comes to it!"

"Wait, you're just saying it! Come on!"

"No, really, I love it. Sex, sex, sex. Can't get enough of it! In fact, I'm a bit of a nymphomaniac! My husband can't nearly keep up with my demands."

"Then let us satisfy them!"

"Well, being alone in a monasrty with a few hundred single men - what more could a girl ask for?"

*At this point we leave the RP, as it is threatening to turn into a very low budget porn storyline. And people charge good money for that. If you wish to follow this RP after encryption, just call the number on your screens now, give us your credit card details and we'll give you all the monk love you could ever want!*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Meanwhile, back in the mainstream...

The Daily Druid

SOBERITY FALLS!
By Will Feltham

The Free Alcoholic Army's march across Druida continued today as Soberity City was flattened by the wrecking Dodgeball:Goliath balls. Famous landmarks such as the Presidential Office and Cefn Viaduct were obliterated, while The Hole in Moorestown was... well, it got filled in.

Most notable amongst these was the destruction of the supposedly attack-proof Presidential Office, as it was still occupied by all of the country's political heirarchy. President Posters, Vice President Gessemschmitthaagen-Po, all the little unnamed helpers who we've never mentioned before, all gone.

In these exceptional circumstances, only the far east of the country, on the side of Lake Bekk, now remains. The alcoholic heartlands in the north-east and in New Europa have gone now, too, while the rest of the country had been destroyed many moons ago.

In Druid Tribune, the remaining survivors have made it known that they wish for Trevor Chem, the famous entrepreneur and head of Druida's former top company Chemindus, to lead the country through these traumatic times. Our historic capital is under seige, and, if things continue to go their way, the Free Alcoholic Army will have flattened the place by early next week, if not before.

However, a fightback is on it's way. All the dodgeballs that have been fired and discarded have been picked up by Druidan government helicopters so that they can be fired back at the Free Alcoholic Army. Whether or not this resistance in our only real bastian of hope will get us through our darkest day remains to be seen. All that we can do now is dig in deep, and hope for the best.

We're IN!!! (and in 1st for Group 9!!!)

Yes, after days of drunken glory- Hockey Canada has finally released to the world an article... WE WON!!! Players have been celebrating and living up the fun as the Canucks are now through to the World Cup for the first time ever. Hockey Canadians have been given all the alcolhol they want for this joyous time and will be watching their team play a throwaway game today against Nedalia. Jeruselem, another great team, has already qualified and will be televising the match that was expected at the beginning of the cup to the the 3rd place clincher.

Everyone has been given Hockey Canadian flags and other patriotic things for the game tonight. But with Hockey Canada's 5-game win streak nothing compared to Bedistan's 17-game streak, who knows what'll happen.

A winning streak going into the World Cup? Or can we lose to get the pressure of the streak off us. There will be some streaking in Nedalia though.

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Hockey Canada 17 12 3 2 32 14 18 39 Q
2 Total n Utter Insanity 17 10 3 4 26 18 8 33 Q
3 Eauz 17 9 4 4 26 16 10 31 Q
------------------------------------------------------------
4 Nedalia 17 8 3 6 32 24 8 27 E
5 Yafor 2 17 6 4 7 19 16 3 22 E
6 Da WhoseLine People 17 5 7 5 22 23 -1 22 E
7 RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo 17 6 3 8 24 25 -1 21 E
8 Spaam 17 3 7 7 19 29 -10 16 E
9 Andossa Se Mitrin Vega 17 4 3 10 15 28 -13 15 E
10 Adam Island 17 2 3 12 9 31 -22 9 E

Hockey Canada has clinched 1st place ahead of Total n Utter Insanity and Eauz.

MD1: Hockey Canada @ Spaam (1-1 T)
MD2: Total n Utter Insanity @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (0-0 T)
MD3: Hockey Canada @ Eauz (0-2 L)
MD4: Da WhoseLine People @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (0-0 T)
MD5: Hockey Canada @ Adam Island (4-0 W)
MD6: Yafor 2 @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (2-1 W)
MD7: Hockey Canada @ Andossa Se Mitrin Vega (1-0 W)
MD8: Hockey Canada @ RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo (2-0 W)
MD9: Nedalia @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (3-1 W)
MD10: Spaam @ Hockey Canada (Irkutsk) (4-1 W)
MD11: Hockey Canada @ Total n Utter Insanity (3-1 W)
MD12: Eauz @ Hockey Canada (Irkutsk) (3-1 L)
MD13: Hockey Canada @ Da WhoseLine People (2-1 W)
MD14: Adam Island @ Hockey Canada (Anadyr) (3-1 W)
MD15: Hockey Canada @ Yafor 2 (3-1 W)
MD16: Andossa Se Mitrin Vega @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (1-0 W)
MD17: RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo @ Hockey Canada (Anadyr) (2-1 W)
MD18: Hockey Canada @ Nedalia

Mike: All right, it's time for a commercial break. Coming up: the weekend college gridiron rundown, including details of that big upset, Paruvia Tech over Ari.

OOC: I heard that was a really great game ;)

IC:
Pschychoes Wrapping it Up

After a disturbing loss to Svecia, Squornshelous shuts out The Archregimancy and Pastorville
Squornshelous rebounded from their matchday 15 loss, a match result that probably secured qualification for the Lightning, who are in unless they lose to The Archregimancy by 4 goals or more. The Pschychoes have just one match left to play in wrapping up their best qualifying run ever. After recording a 2-0 victory over The Archregimancy, who forced a close 3-2 match in their first meeting of qualifying, and a second 1-0 win over Pastorville. The Pschychoes have regained any momentum lost in the match against Svecia. The Lowland Clans, who must be disappointed in their performance, will probably pose little challenge to the Pschychoes, and my drop to 6th place in Group 2, depending on what Pastorville does in their match against Brazillico. Squornshelous is now looking ahead to the World Cup finals, and will be starting a lot of backups against TLC, resting their star players in preparation for a run at the final. This team is playing better than any Pschychoes team in previous years. With this strong run, the Pschychoes will hopefully regain a top ten ranking, and can hopefully continue their stellar play in the Cup proper.

*a vacant podium sits on an empty stage, gathered around it is a gaggle of reporters awaiting an announcement from the Praying2God Soccer Association, they are wondering if this will regard the rumored CoH XVII bid or Warriors Head Coach Paul Johnson's job status...both of which are up in the air*

*Warriors Head Coach Paul Johnson walks on to the stage and to the podium*

"I know there are rumors flying both about my future with the national team, as well as the rumors about a CoH XVII bid that the P2GSA has rumoredly been working on, and you are probably wondering why I am up here to give this announcement.

*he leaves a lengthy pause, causing the reporters to start shifting anxiously in their seats*

"It gives me the great priviledge to announce a formal bid by the P2GSA to host CoH XVII by ourselves."

*Johnson walks off the stage and out of the room without answering any questions*

"Well, being alone in a monasrty [sic] with a few hundred single men - what more could a girl ask for?"

*At this point we leave the RP, as it is threatening to turn into a very low budget porn storyline. And people charge good money for that. If you wish to follow this RP after encryption, just call the number on your screens now, give us your credit card details and we'll give you all the monk love you could ever want!*


Somewhere deep in the Archregimancy...

The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy would like to make it perfectly clear on behalf of the entire population of our monastic nation that - no matter what the so-called 'monks' of Druida might be getting up to - our God-fearing citizenry do not engage in 'monk love', would not engage in a group orgy with single women, and in fact don't even permit women to enter our nation in the first place.

"Monk love" indeed. Pah.

And don't get any fishy ideas when our football team start hugging each other after they score a goal, either.

<weird music>

Good morning! This is David Becks for Jeruselem Government News on Match Day 17 of the World Cup 25. 1 game left and well, all ten groups must be decided on the last day.

Firstly Group 4, where Jeruselem is playing. The top 3 have been decided. Yes, and Jeruselem have made too. Nova Britannicus and Oaker are on 37 point with us on 34 points. This was a close group with Hypocria and Chicanada missing out because they probably lost too many early games. All in all predicted result.

Next Group 9. All sealed and delivered to Total n Utter Insanity, Eauz and our friends as group leaders Hockey Canada. The lions or Nedalia just failed and will finish 4th or 5th, but this was a very tough group anyway. We hope Nedalia do better in World Cup 26.

Group 1 - all decided and one sided. The usual suspects Tadjikistan, Starblaydia and Vilita didn't fail us. Well done to Dauna Hills for being 4th.

Group 2 - one spot up for grabs. Squornshelous and Rejistania are secure in 1st and 2nd. 3rd spot is to be fought over by Svecia and The Archregimancy. Svecia are 3 points ahead and 1 draw should secure their place, and The Archregimancy must win by a very large margin provided Svecia lose.

Group 3 - some familiar face are here. Druida and Liverpool England aka the Terminators have made it. Fmjphoenix hold 3rd but can lose it to Oglethorpia. Oglethorpia must win and hope Fmjphoenix don't win or lose badly. The goal difference is narrow here. Oh yes, System Karela finished 8th.

Group 5 - This is very close group. Sarzonia and Crystilakere, old foes have made easily. 3rd can be grabbed by 3 teams! Five Civilized Nations, Bakostrovia and Kylaai. In reality Kylaai is out because of their awful goal difference so it's down to 5CN and Bakostrovia on the same points. Jon Parkin finished last - funny eh?

Group 6 - very very tight. Cockbill Street have booked their place - top position. We have 4 teams within 2 points of each other in the top 5 excluding the streetians. All teams have a similar goal difference. Commerce Heights, Casari, Bipedal Apes and Raptor Claw all can make the top 3. Four teams - two spots - all down to the last game.

Group 7 - the trinity of Bedistan, Lovisa and Spruitland cruise through.

Group 8 - Another tough one. Turori and One Red Dot have done, but Harlesburg is under threat in 3rd spot. Oliverry, Elrich and Hurfordia can take the last provided that Harlesburg lose. Harlesburg should go through with a draw due it's better goal difference.

GROUP 10 - last but not least. Bettia and Krytenia are top. EL CID THE HERO holds 3rd but must not succumb to the challenge of Caprine States and New Montreal States. EL CID cannot afford to lose as a win by the other two teams would drop them out of 3rd.

RORDIA BOTTOM!

Rordia have finished their World Cup qualifying campaign... but they have ended up occupying bottom spot in Group 1.
The Ballerinas lost 2-1 to Kericia, and with Da Philelfya Empiya getting a 2-2 draw with Dauna Hills, Rordia are bottom on goal difference.
Tim Brick scored in the 2nd minute to put Rordia ahead. Things then looked good, until the 87th minute, when goalkeeper Leigh Marr got injured. On came Richard Hutton to replace him, and the first thing he had to do was pick the ball out of the net. Kericia struck again in injury time to break Rordian hearts.
Manager John Swift said: "I'll let you in on a secret - we KNEW that we were going to end bottom. We were optimistic, but also a bit realistic. At the end of the day we weren't just good enough."
Swift's revelation earnt him the sack. A new manager is expected to be appointed within the next two weeks.

In other news, the Rordian FA are considering moving their national stadium from Rordic City to Eisenhower. Rordia failed to win a single game at home during their World Cup qualifying campaign.

GROUP 1 - FINAL TABLE

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Tadjikistan 18 14 3 1 37 11 26 45
2 Starblaydia 18 13 3 2 34 15 19 42
3 Vilita 18 11 3 4 35 17 18 36
---------------------------------------------------------
4 Dauna Hills 18 8 6 4 22 19 3 30
5 Lethislavania 18 6 5 7 23 25 -2 23
6 Kericia 18 6 4 8 20 34 -14 22
7 Kudlastan 18 4 5 9 14 28 -14 17
8 Metfield 18 3 5 10 18 29 -11 14
9 Da Philelfya Empiya 18 2 4 12 15 26 -11 10
10 Rordia 18 2 4 12 11 25 -14 10
RORDIA'S RESULTS

MD1. Metfield (A) 1-1
MD2. Lethislavania (A) 1-0
MD3. Dauna Hills (H) 2-3
MD4. Tadjikistan (A) 0-1
MD5. Vilita (H) 1-3
MD6. Kudlastan (A) 0-1
MD7. Starblaydia (H) 0-1
MD8. Da Philelfya Empiya (A) 1-0
MD9. Kericia (H) 1-1
MD10. Metfield (H) 2-3
MD11. Lethislavania (H) 0-0
MD12. Dauna Hills (A) 0-1
MD13. Tadjikistan (H) 0-1
MD14. Vilita (A) 0-2
MD15. Kudlastan (H) 0-2
MD16. Starblaydia (A) 0-0
MD17. Da Philelfya Empiya (H) 1-3
MD18. Kericia (A) 1-2

Bill Posters was lost. One minute he was in the Presidential Office with his deputy Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po, then there was a big crashing noise, then... well, then nothing. Until now.

Now he found himself in unfamiliar surroundings. He was lying down in a completely darkened room, other than a small angle-poise lamp on a small wodden table in one corner. Even the walls appeared to be painted black. This was strange.

Thoughts of what on earth could be going on raced through his head. Had he become a hostage of the FAA? Is this the tunnel from which the light appears from the end of? And if it was, then why the hell the lamp?

Then, for the first time, after what had seemed like an eternity, came a sound. A constant, quick tapping sound. Something like... footsteps... then another noise. Ker-clunk. A blinding light slowly appeared, and a silhouette of a human of some sort appeared in what was now clearly the frame of a doorway.

"Ah, Mr. Posters. We've been expecting you!"

"What the... Chem?"

"Yup. Or you can call me Posters, too if you like."

"What?"

"So are you alright now? You've been out for a few weeks, now. You might struggle to adjust back into real life for a little while, what with all the catching up you'll have to do."

"Well... where am I?"

"You're in a secret bunker underneath the Histodrome in Druid Tribune."

"Why?"

"Well, nobody knows it's here, and nobody knows that you're still alive. And nobody is to ever find out."

"But... why?"

"Look, I've been hiding it for long enough. I'm going to have to tell you."

"Yes. I think you're going to have to!"

"Well, ask me all the questions you want answers to, and I'll answer them for you."

"What... is this some kind of cruel joke?"

"No. I think you're ready for it now. You look ready for it!"

"OK then. Firstly, how come you've looked almost the same for almost a hundred years?"

"Well, what Chemindus have been doing over the past few years is finding an antidote to the aging process. It... slows down the rate at which your body gets old."

"Over the last few years? But... stop me if I'm wrong here... the last few years surely came after a hundred years ago?"

"No, you're correct."

"So... explain?"

"What do you know about Oglethorpian time travel technology?"

"Only that they used it years ago so that a 1900s Oglethorpia team could enter the World Cup. But that was before I was born. Since then, it's barely been touched."

"Well, what we've been working on is Druidan time travel technology."

"What?"

"And we've been doing it up there."

"Where?"

"Up there. In the Histodrome. You see, I know what's going to happen, and..."

"So why can't you stop it from happening?"

"Because if I did that, I'd be interfering with the time-space vortex, and... well, if it didn't happen, then I wouldn't be here now, and then we wouldn't know it was going to happen, so it'd happen anyway. You got me?"

"I... uh... think so."

"Plus, all the people up there think that you're dead."

"But I'm not."

"No, you're not. One of our helicopter search teams got you out of there. As it's too dangerous for a proper search operation, nobody else knows that we got you out of there."

"So who's running the country now?"

"I am."

"YOU?"

"They needed an easily identifyable figurehead with a technological background to try to overcome the FAA."

"Oh."

"Well, that's what I told them anyway."

"So... this time travel..."

"Well, you'll have to read this." Chem handed Posters a paper document that must have been several hundred pages thick.

"What is it?"

"The instructions. To the Histodrome time machine."

"And why are you giving me them?"

"Because you wanted to know about it, and it's a bit long for me to explain it myself."

"Well, you didn't have to go into that much detail about..."

"Oh, and the fact that you'll be operating it."

"ME!?!?!?!?!"

"Uhuh."

"But... they'll know who I am."

"Of course they will."

"So won't..."

"Well, I say they will. At least, they think they will."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"In the attack on the Presidential Office, you became... well... slightly disfigured. So we had to construct a new appearance for you."

"Oh yeah?"

"You want a mirror?"

"OK."

"Here you go!"

Chem handed Bill a mirror. He looked into it.

"OH MY SWEET LORD! You've made me... you?"

Surely this would be it. Now he'd wake up. This was all just a dream and he'd wake up in the Presidential Office's medical wing with nothing more than a couple of broken bones.

No such luck.

"Well... kind of."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, KIND OF? I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME AS YOU!!! NOT ONLY DO YOU INSIST ON LOOKING EXACTLY THE SAME FOR A HUNDRED YEARS OR MORE, BUT YOU TURN THE NATION'S LEADER INTO YOUR OWN IMAGE!!!"

"Look, stop, yeah."

"No, why the fuck should I stop. You egotistical little piece of shit, you! What the fuck have you done to me?!?!?!?"

"Bill. I'm you."

"You're what?"

"You."

"But..."

"You see, because I'm you, I know how it all ends."

"If you're me, though... how did this work the first time around?"

"Well, for you, this is the first time around. For me... well..."

"Yes, yes, I know that. But if you used the time machine to go back and build the time machine... how did the first one come about?"

"Oh, you'll find out. You've got a long life ahead of you."

"That I might do, but... hang on... what about the country we... I mean I have to save?"

"You're saving it. Just not now. Kinda."

"Oh."

"You have to stay down here for now. At least until the shock of your new appearance comes back. And until you have the strength to get up."

"It's OK. I've got faith in you to do it."

"Thanks... Trevor."

Casari4sport

"Qualification Day" declared national holiday
Noone was going to show up to work anyway

Fans were subdued as the Casaran left the field after their 2-2 tie with Raptor Claw. With qualification viewed as impossible without a Commerce Heights win or tie, the supporters slowly started packing away their beer-stained kits and dragging themselves to the bar to drown their sorrows in alcohol.

Then Bipedial Apes beat Commerce Heights by 2, and because Casarans refuse to involve themselves in such things, few noticed that Casari would be ahead of Commerce Heights on Goal Difference.

Until they looked up from their drinks at 4sport on the TV and saw the table. Then the drinking of sorrow became drinking, then rioting of joy.

Revolution Square Insurance has listed damages in excess of Twenty Million Selaris as cars were flipped, prompting Prime Minister Winter to declare a national holiday for the next day.

If anything, this is starting to cause horribly lofty expectations of the team. In 2 years, they've been knocked out of Qualifying on the last day on goal difference, making it to the Cup of Harmony final, and made it through qualifying on goal difference. With expectations so high, we only have one comment for the team:

Don't screw it up.

Ariddia fail to seize final win

It was a somewhat unusual Ariddian side which faced Fmjphoenix today for the ultimate day in qualifying. While the latter needed a decisive victory, the Rouge-et-Noirs were determined to disappoint them. But, mindful that Ariddia is already eliminated, Adam Seul chose to put several substitutes among the starting eleven – specifically, Wald and Kitenge as defenders, Lat as a midfielder, and third goalkeeper Karim Chem.

“It’s a good opportunity for everyone to take part in the competition,” he explained.

Ultimately, Ariddia was to lose as expected, but on the close final score of one goal to two. E Lel scored Ariddia’s only goal of the match.

“We made Fmjphoenix sweat and struggle to qualify today,” he said later, “and that was essentially our aim. They pulled it off all the same, and we all want to congratulate them for qualifying.”

The Rouge-et-Noirs performed the ulek one last time at the start of the match, with fierce determination and confidence, led by their Indigenous captain, Ue Alt.

The Ariddian Football Association has asked coach Seul to stay on and oversee the team’s training for World Cup 26, which Ariddia has already signed up for.

“A few players have said they may not be staying on for another Cup, but nobody’s confirmed anything yet,” Seul said. “In any case, all players are invited to stay if they wish to do so. But if some don’t, I can think of other talented players willing to join us. In any case, we’ll be ready to face the world again in four years’ time.”

The AFA has also confirmed that it will be backing an endeavour by Fbreni ( http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Fbrenia) players living in Ariddia to constitute a national team and represent their chaos-struck, lawless country.

“It will be an opportunity for Fbrenia’s plight to catch the attention of the world media,” AFA President Anna Teals said. “We’re behind the brave Fbreni football players one hundred percent, and we will be providing equipment and a coach for them. They have a lot of determination, and I think we can expect them to surprise a lot of people in four years.”

Woodstock Daily Mail

Ryan Calvin
Scores drive Stars fans to distraction

WOODSTOCK (22 Nov) -- Turns out the debut run through the World Cup qualifying campaign for Bakostrovia came to a thud against the Sarzonian national football team. The world's number one ranked team announced before the match that even though it would essentially use a second choice team, it would neither take Bakostrovia lightly nor would it just lie down and let the footballing newcomers waltz into the World Cup finals.

The final score, 4-0 to Sarzonia, was a clear indication the Stars meant business. A team that has looked impressive at times, including a 2-1 loss to the Stars in the final match of the first leg of qualifying had no answers for a Stars team that was clearly on a mission.

"With all the attention lavished on Bedistan, we wanted to prove that we're still a team to be reckoned with," midfielder Jarret Sanderson said. "I think we did that today."

Did they ever. Sarzonia jumped out to a 1-0 lead 26 minutes into the match when Sanderson fed forward Kevin Wilson, who started for older brother Brian, and the younger Wilson tapped the ball past the goalkeeper. The Stars (14-3-1, 45 points) were unlucky to be up only one goal but the Stars were repeatedly denied by a determined and desperate Bakostrovia defence that was jostling with Five Civilized Nations for the third and final berth in the World Cup finals.

Bakostrovia's luck would run out after the halftime whistle as it appeared to many observers that their team was finally exhausted by its Cinderella run to within one win of the finals. The Stars came out with one major adjustment, moving midfielder Jenna Raven up front into a 4-3-3 formation that Owens said would be considered if the team trails a match and needs a quick goal. The formation seemed to work wonders as Raven scored twice and assisted on Sanderson's goal to provide the final margin on the 83rd minute.

From there, Brian Wilson watched on the sidelines with a big smile on his face. Despite Barry Owens's announcement before the match that assistant coach Cal Trottier would not coach the team in the home finale, he pulled a curveball by announcing that Sarzonia's best player over the years would serve as coach. Trottier also took the game off, leaving assistant duties to goalkeeper Horace Sandt, who watched his protege Harvey Cooley make four saves.

"We always strive to get the full three points no matter who we play or when," Brian Wilson said. "Just because we wanted to give other guys a chance to do some things they normally wouldn't doesn't mean we're not trying to win."

For Stars supporters, the day wasn't about winning or losing. It was about watching the events in the rest of the world's qualifying groups and hoping certain teams ended well and other teams collapsed. While Bedistan finished World Cup qualifying with an unblemished 18-0-0 mark for the first time in history, Hypocria ended its run with a 0-0 draw as Dave Wilson's new side fell six points short of qualification with a 9-4-5 record. Tadjikistan defeated Starblaydia 1-0 away to win Group 1 outright but lost out to Sarzonia for the second best record in World Cup qualifying because of goal differential. Casari beat out Sarzonian nemesis Commerce Heights for the third bid in Group 6 due to better goal differential.

"We're pretty pleased for the most part," one Stars supporter said. "We're not happy Euroslavia won (2-0 at home to PopularFreedom), but we're playing in the World Cup. That's our next focus."

MIRABILE VISU

Lions and Goats draw, Paladins win to earn a ticket to KP/Audioslavia

NEW MONTREAL - After watching a solid 1-0 win over the Newcommunist Republics at the Paladin Dome, fans settled in to watch the Caprine States - EL CID THE HERO match projected holographically onto the field. This match was the key to the Paladins advancing. A draw meant that the Paladins would sneak in to the Finals, a win by either side would send us off to the CoH.

After a long, stressful match emerged with the required draw, Paladins fans poured onto the field and out onto the streets in a riot the likes of which haven't been seen since WC11.

Meanwhile, we wish to extend our condolences to our fellow Orthodox Christians of the Archregimancy, who yet again have been edged out of the World Cup. We wish them all the best for the Cup of Harmony, and hope that they will emerge as the winners when the dust settles.

More on this will come when we don't have chanting fans jumping up and down on our printing presses.

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquirer

Sports Section

The World Cup Field and Analysis

So now the field is set and instead of looking at what could have been the we Milchamians are looking ahead to what will happen as we give you our best analysis of the full World Cup field of 32.
Analysis by Quentin Pedro



GROUP 1
1 Tadjikistan- First place in their group and looking good ahead of WC25. But they do have a history of failing early in the cup, I think they can get away from that this time.
2 Starblaydia- The current WCC president is looking up for this cup after a dissapointing run in WC24. Will they do it I don't know.
3 Vilita- I don't think they will do so well this cup as they had a dismal performance last cup and they almost did not qualify.

Other Things from Group 1: Fmjphoenix puppet Dauna Hills almost qualified but in the end was shut out by Vilita. If they can keep that up they might just qualify in WC26.

GROUP 2
1 Squornshelous- The Psychoes qualified easily as everybody knew they would. Now the question is of course how far will they go in this World Cup. I think they can go far.
2 Rejistania- The Karelans did well also. They probably will not win this WC but I think they can go far and do well.
3 Svecia- Barely got in over the The Archregimancy. Will be wipping boys in the cup.

Other things from Group 2: The Lowland Clans did very poorly getting even less points than the Milchamians. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROUP 3
1 Druida- A potential favorite to do well this cup after poor showing while hosting last time around. This new System Hisisisim looks good espiecially yesterday when they crushed us 4-1.
2 Liverpool England- The current World Champs looked good in qualifying losing the group to Druida by only 1 point. Ranked #2 in the world will still go far in the finals.
3 Fmjphoenix- Barely got in and struggled throughout much of qualifying. They are still a threat in the World Cup but will probably not get past the 2nd round this time.

Other Group 3 Notes: Eventhough Oglethorpia did not qualify they did beat all the teams that did qualify. We predict them to qualify for WC26.
GROUP 4
1 Oaker- They are a top 10 team but despite that we really know very little about them. I think they made the finals of WC21 but that was before Milchama was involved in the international footballing scene. Now probably going to quarters.
2 Nova Britannicus- Starblaydi puppet. Did better than their masters at WC24 and might just repeat the performance this time around. I doubt it though.
3 Jeruselem- Suprised everybody last World Cup when they made it to the second round only to lose to powerhouses Sarzonia. Could do better this time around.

Other Notes from Group 4: All 3 teams qualified very easily despite having Hypocria and Chicanada in their group.

GROUP 5
1 Sarzonia- #1 ranked team in the world. The only question they have is how far?
2 Crystilakere- Were a dissapointment last WC failing to get out of the group stage. This time around I think they can do much better.
3 Five Civilized Nations- Lost all 3 games last time in the group stages and only qualified this time on GD. Some more wipping boys!

Other Noters from Group 5: Both Kylaai and Bakstrovia had 29 points like 5CN. Both could pose a threat next World Cup.
GROUP 6
1 Cockbill Street- Cruised thru in this other wise extremely close group. This bodes well for them in WC25.
2 Bipedal Apes- No Tribuana no problem as they still made the World Cup this time too. Last time they finished third in their group but this time they might just make it to the second round.
3 Casari- Some how beat Commerce Heights to get here. Are very drunk but very good. Will probably be crushed in the World Cup but at least they made it.

Other Group 6 Notes: On the last day no less than 4 teams could have qualified from this group at the end of MD17 the table looked like this:
1 Cockbill Street 17 13 0 4 30 16 14 39 Q
2 Commerce Heights 17 9 3 5 25 17 8 30
3 Casari 17 9 2 6 31 24 7 29
-------------------------------------------------------------
4 Bipedal Apes 17 8 4 5 31 24 7 28
5 Raptor Claw 17 8 4 5 23 16 7 28

GROUP 7
1 Bedistan- Undefeated thru all of qualifying. Our predicted winners right now before the draw. I only wonder if any team has gone undefeated thru all of qualifying and the World Cup before.
2 Lovisa- Good team even if they are mysterious. I expect them to do well in the group stages even if they get crushed in the second round.
3 Spruitland- They easily made third and are now in their second World Cup. They missed out last time but this time they could get to the knockout stages.

Other Group 7 Notes: There were barely a challenge from the lower teams and Bedistan managed to qualify after only 12 matchdays.
GROUP 8
1 Turori- The one puppet who is better than the master. May this never happen to Collonie. Will do well this WC although I don't think they will get past the Quarter Finals.
2 One Red Dot- I just hope their flag isn't the Japanese flag. Really I know nothing about them. Probably will do well.
3 Oliverry- Finally qualified. Will hopefully show how what a takilan system of football can do. Probably won't make it past the group stages.

Other Notes: Hurfordia did not qualify despite qualifying last time around. Are they on the down swing?

GROUP 9
1 Hockey Canada- After at least 3 attempts Hockey Canada has finally qualified for a World Cup. Despite the hopes of many Milchamians they will probably crash out early. The second round at the latest.
2 Total n Utter Insanity- Semifinalists last time. Probably won't do as well this time although you never know. Should still probably get to the knockout stages.
3 Eauz- They made it they should do well.

Other Group 9 notes: Nedalia had a very dissapointing performance not ever really challenging for the third position from Eauz.


GROUP 10
1 Bettia- Suprisingly won the group from under Krytenia. Will do better than expected in their first World Cup.
2 Krytenia- Semifinalists last time around but this time will probably not do as well as they won't have the home crowd cheering them on. I still say they could make quarter finals though.
3 New Montreal States- First World Cup appearance since WC11. Won't do as well though wasted most of their energy qualifying. Will almost definitely lose in the group stages.

Other Group 10 Notes: Two qualifiers from last time Caprine States and EL CID THE HERO did not qualify.

Yes we realize we did not make the World Cup but it is always fun to analyze and predict and annoy.

"So this is it, then?"

"Yep."

If there was ever such a thing as someone talking to themselves, then this was it.

"Why do I have to do it? Why can't I be president again?"

"Your time will come again. But remember, they think you're me, you have to feign an escape, but go with them."

"And then what."

"You start NEWI Cefn Druids all over again, with as many people as we can pack into hte place."

"And how many might that be?"

"If we squeeze them in... five million?"

"That should be enough to start a country with. We'll see what we can do!"

"I'd better go. There's still a bit of Druida to run."

"OK."

"And remember, you're Trevor Chem as far as everyone's concerned, OK?"

"OK."

"Get out there! I'm gone!"

And with that, Chem went.

Bill went out into the stadium. People were all over the place. Hanging from barriers, climbing the stadium's framework, even hanging from the goalposts, which were still up from the previous day's match against Milchama.

Of course, the football team were going with them. Bill looked around for them. But they were nowhere. "Ah well," Bill thought, "They're probably just in one of the executive areas or something. Better ring Elastic Edwards just in case, though."

Bill picked up the phone and dialled. Edwards answered.

"Bill?"

"Trefor."

"I thought you were dear?"

"No... I mean... it's Trevor Chem here."

"Yes."

"You are here, aren't you? You and the team. At the Histodrome."

"No. We're in Kaze Progressa, awaiting the World Cup group draw. Thought it would be safer here."

"But we're going back."

"Back? Where to?"

"The past. The histodrome is one big time machine to send us back to start NEWI Cefn Druids off all over again!"

"Really?"

"Of course! And if you don't come with us... well, nobody here's played football at a decent level... well, ever! We'll be the laughing stock of football when we turn up at World Cup 11!"

"This is a joke, yeah?"

And then the phone went dead. "So that's why NEWI Cefn Druids sucked when they first took up the game!" Bill figured.

But it wasn't Bill anymore. Bill was Trevor Chem. It was time to address the people. He entered the announcer's box and took the microphone that had been left for him to speak into.

"People of Druida, can we have your attention please!"

Those holding onto the speakers fell to the ground in surprise. Gradually, the crowd quietened.

"It is your esteemed leader, Bi... Trevor Chem here. I hope you're all ready for this, and are prepared to acclimatise to life a hundred years ago. Now, the countdown clock is into the final few minutes. When it gets there, I'll pull the lever, and a matter of moments later, it will be safe to leave this grand old arena again."

The masses applauded.

"If you'd like to join me in the countdown..."

Of course they would!

"Ten, nine, eight..."

The expected tension had gone. The togetherness amongst the people had made something quite unusual into something that they actually were enjoying.

"...seven, six, five..."

The euphoria amongst them was something special.

"...fou-BOOM!..."

The atmosphere was shattered. A huge orange dodgeball came careering through the roof of the stadium. The happiness became squashedness. But by now, Bill, in the safety of the announcers box, was far too into the swing of things to stop.

"Three, two, one, here we go!"

Bill pulled the lever. A funny sensation swept across the announcer's box. Then, all of a sudden, he looked outside.

Nothing.

"Um... what's going on?"

But it was too late. The announcer's box was now in what seemed to be the middle of a jungle.

"Shit."

- - - - -

Back in the future, pandemoneum ensued.

The FAA had made it into Druid Tribune and to the Histodrome. And now the final safe haven in the city was all but gone. On the verge of escape, came tradgedy. The Histodrome was history. All that remained for the Free Alcoholic Army to destroy now was the south-eastern countryside, and their destruction of Druida's entirity would be complete.

<voice over> "...and later tonight on the Monastic Broadcasting Company is another exciting episode of 'Ask Fr. Seraphim', where Fr. Seraphim the Occasionally Dangerously Free-Thinking Theologian will be discussing why Darwin's theory of natural selection is potentially compatible with Orthodox theology through St. Gregory Palamas' distinction between the energies and essence of God. But first...."

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

WORLD CUP TONIGHT

With Fr. Nicholas the Scribe and Fr. John the Golden-Throated

"...and so, Fr. John, an anti-climactic end to the qualifying campaign"

"Anti-climactic and disappointing - why I feel like the priests of Baal must have done when their god failed to accept the offerings made under Elijah's challenge"

"Except that the priest of Baal were pagans, Fr. John"

"Perhaps so, Fr. Nicholas, but the analogy holds"

"And the game itself?"

"What can you say? We went in needing to beat Svecia by four clear goals in order to overhauld them and qualify - in the end we couldn't even win the match. Realistically it was all over inside the first twenty minutes. Uncharacteristically sloppy play from Fr. Michael the Greater led to Svecia's first after 16 minutes and... watch this howler... on 19 minutes Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed is sent off for handling the ball outside the area following a terrible back pass from Fr. Dmitri. Svecia score on the resulting free kick, we're down to ten men and two goals down after twenty minutes, and suddenly need to score six in order to go through. There are miracles and there are miracles, and no amount of half-time icon veneration was going to turn this match around short of direct intervention from the Theotokos - and it may have been the Afterfeast of the Entry of the Most Holy Mother of God into the Temple yesterday, but I wasn't holding my breath"

"Oh yea of little faith, Fr. John"

"It's not a matter of faith, Fr. Nicholas, it's a matter of practicality. Ten men, two goals down, needing six, and playing a much higher ranked team... no wonder the crowd went sneaking off to vespers at half time.

Anyway, the second half performance was at least a little better. We won a penalty after one of Fr. Pavel the Wanderer's mazy little runs for the faith down the right led to his being tripped in the area in the 55th minute. Fr. Polycarp the Venerable - in what might be his last match for the Archregimancy - duly converted the penalty as easily as he converted the heathens of New Ephesus, and if he does retire, he'll be sorely missed.

Sadly, that was the sole highlight for our team, and with Svecia's man advantage beginning to tell, the visitors put qualification well and truly out of reach with this 78th minute volley."

"So that's it for another campaign, then"

"Yes, Fr. Nicholas - but let us not been downcast. In our two qualification campaigns so far we've made it to the playoffs in WC 24 and then only been eliminated on the final day of qualifying in WC 25, beating Rejistania 3-1 along the way. So those who are inclined to engage in some introspective prayer after this failure should remind themselves that we've come a long way in a very short time, and instead of considering this an opportunity to reflect on how suffering strengthens the soul, we should instead joyfully praise the Lord our God for the progress our team has made."

"And might I interrupt, Fr. John, to note that not all football-following Orthodox Christians are downhearted tonight..."

"Absolutely right, Fr. Nicholas. I'm sure all citizens of the Archregimancy will be praying for New Montreal States over the coming days following their dramatic qualification for the tournament proper. And allow me to put in a word for Casari... their drunken carefree lifestyle may not be the most obvious source of inspiration to a nation of Orthodox monks (though I'm fond of a vodka myself), but their qualification for the tournament is surely further encouragement for mid-ranked teams such as ourselves"

"And now?"

"And now we hope for an invitation to the Cup of Harmony, where we hope that the Lord will give us further opportunities to gain experience and skill"

"So until World Cup 26... it's goodbye from us...."

[with thanks to Giant Zucchini for the inspiration]

THE HOLY EMPIRE BRINGS YOU

WORLD CUP QUALIFICATION



With Basil and Theo

“Right then, Basil, so this is goodbye…”

“That’s right Theo… Our one-off silver jubilee comeback after the heady days of the first four tournaments has been all too brief – but it’s also been fun. We haven't really commentated on that many matches, but I hope you've enjoyed the comeback for the ones we did do.”

“And what a wild ride for our plague-ravaged squad!”

“Absolutely. After finishing the first nine games in the top three with six wins and three losses, we’ve drawn two and lost seven of the last nine, collapsing to seventh place in the process”

“But we’ve still had a say in qualification, Basil”

“I’d say so, Theo… How Commerce Heights in particular must be wishing they’d beaten us the first time round. Oddly enough, for all our team’s lack of ability, Raptor Claw are the only squad to have taken all six points off us so far”

“Though with Cockbill Street away this afternoon, that’s surely about to change….”

10th minute

“…the bishop and a kipper.”

“Fascinating, Basil, but Ducaso has the ball on the wing. He sends the cross in… Vatatzes!!! Vatatzes scores!!!! It’s 1-0 to the Holy Empire – but surely this can’t last.”

“Absolutely not, Theo – Cockbill Street will surely start ripping us to shreds sooner rather than later”


18th minute

“…this magnificent display from Vatatzes in midfield. He’s been a revelation today, controlling the game, pulling the strings like a puppetmaster. Cockbill Street have no answer – I’m astounded at this display of silky skills…”


27th minute

“…two kippers! Two kippers I tell you! Kippers for breakfast! And the bishop….”

“I’ll just have to interrupt you there Basil, because Vatatzes has won the ball in midfield again. He surges forward… Past three Street defenders… and…. OH MY!!! VATATZES GETS HIS SECOND!!! Where has this lad come from? If he’d played like this the entire tournament we’d have qualified with matches to spare! This is extraordinary stuff from Vatatzes!”


44th minute

“…watching the game, controlling it. I don’t see you guys rating the kind of mate I’m contemplating. I’d let you watch, I would invite you, but the queens we use would not excite you. So you better get back to your bars, your temples, your massage parlours…”

“I agree Basil, because this has been an extraordinary display from Vatatzes – probably the best from any Holy Empire player in international competition since we hosted World Cup 2 – and the referee has blown his whistle, and with the Imperials leading 2-0, it’s time for the half time show. Basil.

“And I’m just getting word in my ear, Theo, of some commotion inside the tunnel. It seems, yes, it seems that Cockbill Street are mounting a protest over Vatatzes, on the… this is quite extraordinary… on the grounds that he isn’t in fact Vatatzes, but rather a Giant Zucchini player called Urk”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, absolutely serious. It seems as if there’s quite a battle going on, but Cockbill Street are quite rightly complaining that since Urk isn’t from the Holy Empire, he can’t play for the Imperials…. Oh my. It seems as if they’ll force us to forfeit the match unless we remove Vatatzes – I mean Urk – from the squad. Only… apparently only their deep respect for our role in the early years of the tournament is stopping them from forcing us to forfeit on the spot”

“But we don’t have any substitutes! We’ll have to play the entire second half with ten men! What happened to the real Vatatzes?”

“I don’t know, Theo, and we might not get a chance to answer, because it seems the Cockbill Street authorities are about to throw us out of the country. That’s right Theo, a group of armed police are on their way to the studio right now to deport us on the spot due to this rules transgression”

“But this is an outrage, Basil! The two of us have done nothing wrong!”

“Be as that may, Theo, we’re about to get chucked out, and we won’t be able to bring you the second half. But that’s not a problem anyway, because I can’t see Cockbill Street overcoming a two goal deficit against our lads, even with an extra man. Consider this one another upset – signed, sealed, and….”

<sounds of scuffling>

“…we were commentating before you were even born, you half-wit”

<more scuffling>

“…our last ever match! How Would you like it if your last ever commentary match ended in ignominious… OUCH!”

<scuffling – hand over camera – signal goes dead>

Cuation bow out after 3-0 win!

We have battled hard with a small squad for 18 fantastic games and in the end, finished 7th only one point of 6th, three points of 5th. Our team has scored a meagre 16 goals, the 2nd lowest in the group but conceding only 27, 5th bottom in the group, giving the team a -11 goaldiffrence.

To best describe the attempt to quyalify, inconsistent. We lost to the likes of Athestan, twice, but beat The Weegies and Kipto-Mare, twice. We had runs of defeats and ended in a run of victory. If we are to do better in the next world cup, we must achieve some level of consistency.

Now we look at three of the Baptisim of Fire teams who played in this World Cup by Jude Takerath

Pastorville

The holy team of the BOF played well in the World Cup, adapting the best of the teams to finish seventh with 21 points in group two. Clearly the defeat to Cuation was plain bad luck, I think this team will continue to rise.

The Macabees

The one team the Cuation players fear managed to finish only 9th in group two.Unlucky to be in such a tough group, they can do better and I am sure they will do so as long as the nation backs this team

Andossa Se Mitrin Vega

Our good friends finished eight, recovering from a poor run of form to grab 18 points in group 9. If they can take the form they finished with and build up from that, they will become better then Cuation.

Later we will show highlights of the suprising 3-0 win.

Jeruselem Government News

World Cup XXV Qualifiers Finito

Yes, the World Cup 25 qualifiers are over! 30 teams go the next round while the others can go home with dreams of World Cup XXVI glory.

Alemeinia got another win. After beating Jeruselem, Jacobian Tribes fell victim but they finished last in this group. Alemeinia finished 6th, not bad if you look at the top 5.

Jeruselem had veges for lunch with 2-0 win over Giant Zucchini. Another win over Giant Zucchini, and more vege soup for thought. Jeruselem finished 3rd with 11 wins and one point behind Nova Britannicus with also had 11 wins. Giant Zucchini ended up 9th, not much of World Cup 25 really.

Nova Britannicus took on Hypocria for a chance to secure top spot. Hypocria as usual, caused trouble holding the Poms to a NIL ALL draw. Nova Britannicus finished 2nd while poor old Hypocria finished 4th, six points behind Jeruselem.

Chicanada crashed to San-Lorenzo 0-1 with San-Lorenzo moving to 8th while Chicanada stayed 5th. Chicanada were doing well but in the 2nd half, they failed to fire while Hypocria tried and failed to dislodge the top 3.

Oaker grabbed to top spot with 2-0 over Kunar. Kunar finished 7th.

There we have it. Oaker, Nova Britannicus and Jeruselem make the next round. The others can dream on for World Cup 26, while for 30 teams it's still a viable probability for World Cup 25.

GROUP 4
Jacobian Tribes 0 Alemeinia 1
Jeruselem 2 Giant Zucchini 0
Nova Britannicus 0 Hypocria 0
Chicanada 0 San-Lorenzo 1
Oaker 2 Kunar 0


GROUP 4
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Oaker 18 12 4 2 27 12 15 40
2 Nova Britannicus 18 11 5 2 35 13 22 38
3 Jeruselem 18 11 4 3 31 14 17 37
------------------------------------------------------
4 Hypocria 18 9 4 5 25 19 6 31
5 Chicanada 18 7 6 5 24 17 7 27
6 Alemeinia 18 6 3 9 23 33 -10 21
7 Kunar 18 3 6 9 12 25 -13 15
8 San-Lorenzo 18 2 8 8 10 27 -17 14
9 Giant Zucchini 18 2 6 10 14 28 -14 12
10 Jacobian Tribes 18 2 4 12 16 29 -13 10

Own Goal!
Episode 7: A Case of Identity

(Two editors for the Giant Zucchini Broadcasting Corporation are crouched in front of a TV playing NMSoft’s World Cup 25 Video Game [Note to NMSoft, we have not received your latest payment for your advertising and product placement. Please rectify this as soon as possible or we will have no choice but to wave little zucchinis in front of your office gates. Thank you.] They are playing Giant Zucchini versus Jerusalem, but since the current Giant Zucchini squad has no way of beating Jerusalem, they used the Cup-winning World Cup 3 squad instead. They are interrupted by a shout from behind them.)

Boss: Hey, you two, come here.

(Editors pause the game and walk into the Boss’ office.)

Boss: Have a look at this.

(The Boss shows them a news article on his computer. The title said something about an Alastair I Frosticus match, and the article itself was long, wordy, and looked really dry and boring, but what caught their attention was the picture. It was of a large, green, yet strangely human-like character in a beige trenchcoat using his hand to shield his ‘face’ from the camera, albeit failing slightly. One of the editors looked closer.)

Editor 1: …Isn’t…that……

(He points at the picture on the computer, then raises his finger to point at the television outside the room. The two editors gasp together in realisation.)

To be continued…

"Was that supposed to happen?"

News of the Histodrome's destruction had spread across what was left of Druida like wildfire. The news of Trevor Chem's somehow mystical demise in the announcer's box at the stadium even more so. Edwin Trevor, reporter for the Daily Druid, was talking to someone about the events of the day before. Except... no, it couldn't be... Trevor Chem...

"Well, it did, so I guess what happens happens."

"But was that the plan."

"No. As you saw by the machine's operator being killed by the huge electrical current involved."

"But reporters say that the body found was your body. How can you reply to that?"

"Well, I sent in a body double to operate the thing. I knew it could go wrong and didn't want to risk it myself."

"Surely that's a very selfish thing to have done?"

"Not at all. The operator was fully trained in operating the machinery, and was living a second chance after we'd recovered them from a wreckage, anyway."

"Riiiight. Mr. Chem, you're beginning to scare me a little now. What do you have to say to the fact that, out of the blue, the Free Alcoholic Army have stopped their Dodgeballing campaign, declaring that south-east Druida is, and I'm quoting this, 'A worthless waste of space populated by weirdos and freaks' and that 'we've run out of dodgeballs'?"

"Well, they're right about the south-east."

"Mr. Chem, I must remind you that you are supposed to be leader of these people. Surely mocking them won't go down very well?"

"I didn't. Ed Wilson did."

"He did, and you agreed with him."

"Yep."

"So."

"Well, it's such a backwater that the rest of the country would just laugh at them, anyway."

"Mr. Chem, may I remind you that there is no rest of the country any more?"

"What? Oh ********, forgot about that."

And with that, Chem stormed off. We're not expecting him to be around for much longer either.

Vilma Kansu still had problems remembering her life before the accident, but also she remembered hallucinations about the life in some backward part of Druida not very well. She knew that she even had problems speaking the language after the accident, but she relearned magically fast. Her parents insisted it was the best thing for her to get an education in the temple of Karela. She had no clear idea about it, Karela seemed somehow new, but she really feared wether she could comply to the strict rules of the monks. Her parents tried their best to assure her that life in the temple would be the right thing for her, but she still had a doubt. Then her parents took her to the match of Hetkali Divensi vs Hetlasane. It was a great match. Hetkali won 1:0 and the match was really karelan. After her mother told her, that monks are allowed at every match, Vilma changed her mind. On the next Hanijela Day, she joined the temple with a group of other students of Karela.

Ed Wilson was more than just a little confused. After battling so long for the alcoholism of a nation, he realised that most of it was now jusdt a pile of dead bodies and rubble.

"Do you not think we might've been wasting our time a little?"

Huw Ellis had been President of Druida for a little while until Bill Posters unmasked his illegal election victory. Now he was Wilson's number two.

"Of course not! We've shown them what for, and now the country is ours!"

"But... what the hell are we going to do with it?"

"We're going to run it so that people can drink what they like, when they like!"

"Ed... I've got a feeling that there might not be many people left."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Oh. How many are there then?"

"Well, apart from the couple of million in the bit we can't be arsed with... about... twenty-four..."

"TWENTY-FOUR! Where've they all gone?"

"I think we've been in what's called a 'civil war'. Where everybody in the country fights one another."

"Oh."

"Plus all our supporters have gone to Hockey Canada."

"Why've they gone there?"

"Well, it's just over the border, and they can drink what they like, when they like. How good is that?"

"That's great news! Why didn't we just go there in the first place?"

"Um... that's a good point actually... I guess we were to drunk to notice."

"Damn. Shall we go, then?"

"Why not, eh?"

And so off they went. To a land of the freedom of alcohol purchase - Hockey Canada!

Sea Dragons End On High Note!

On match day 18, the ASMV squad knew they had to play at the top of their game to get 3 points from Spaam. And they did just that. The hard-nosed defensive play that had put them in the finals of the BoF and promted a 4 game win streak resurfaced after consecutive losses to Hockey Canada and Nedalia. That physical style led to a 2-0 Sea Dragon victory.

After earning just 3 points in the first 11 matches, ASMV rebounded to gain 15 over the final 7, moving them past Spaam in the group standings.

"Now we have something to build on" said coach Pao St Martinique. "We know we can win at this level now. We just have to do it."

"Our friends, Cuation, also struggled through their first qualifiers. They had some good matches and some they would like to forget, just like us" said Evan Evans. "I feel that we both came out of this better teams, and before long we both will be knocking on the back doors of the elite teams here. They just better keep one eye looking back or they will learn that the hard way!"

THE BIG 32 PREVIEW
Daniel Wheldon writes

Rejistania
Will win the cup and bore the world doing so.

Squornshelous
Could go anywhere, but expect at least a second round berth.

Starblaydia
Potential champions, according to their own fans. If they win it, I will officially change my name to Rameses Niblick III.

Svecia
The Svecikans look a lot weaker than previous vintages and may struggle.

Tadjikistan
The Tigers qualify in style. Trouble is, they then tend to exit rather quickly. A repeat performance is likely.

Vilita
The Jungle Cats look pretty domesticated - quarter-finals would be an achievement this time round.

Druida
While the country collapses, the new team goes from strength to strength. The Mercian Connection (TM) of Milk, Talbot and Belmore should fill their boots. Semi-finalists, perhaps.

Liverpool England
Unlikely to repeat their Everton City heroics, however a good run is probable. Last eight likely.

Fmjphoenix
Will exit in the first round, and lose the Cafetiere to boot.

Oaker
Please, dear God, let them get eliminated. This team is a travesty of the top sixteen.

Nova Britannicus
Did better than the Starblaydis last time - the Bluebirds could prove difficult to beat.

Jeruselem
The perennial bridesmaids aren't expecting to need old, new, borrowed, or blue things soon.

Sarzonia
Potential finalists - and penalty specialists. Grr.

Crystilakere
WC19 champs will be lucky to reach the second round this time round.

Five Civilized Nations
Erm...

Cockbill Street
They should go quite far. But, as is the Cockbill way, they'll fail to do so.

Bipedal Apes
Will probably cause some head-ouchies on the way to Round Two.

Casari
Will drink themselves to an early exit.

Bedistan
No defeats in qualifying = early exit. Every. Time. Which is a pity for the Lions.

Lovisa
Dear God, no!

Spruitland
The Wabbits continue to improve, and could cause a few surprises.

Turori
Better than Vilita, and because of this may God have mercy on us all.

One Red Dot
One Red Splotch as they exit in Round One.

Oliverry
Hang on, this isn't hockey....SECURITY!

Hockey Canada
See Oliverry.

Insanicia
Semi-finalists last time, likely to go just as far this time.

Eauz
Slipping fast...

Bettia
We don't talk about the Bettians.

Krytenia
Will perform gloriously until lozing to Sarzonia. On penalties. Again.

New Montreal States
I do hope they do well. However unlikely it is.

BASSETT - "I'M PROUD OF THEM"

Elrich's impressive 0-0 draw against the mighty Turori was not enough to see them earn an unlikely qualification to World Cup 25, but the Badger's manager Mike Bassett had nothing but praise for his side.

"They've done me proud again today. There's not much more I can ask of them. Turori are a top side, I mean a top side ranked 4 in the world. Realistically, we shouldn't be in with a chance against them but that's why football's such a great game I guess"

"That's two excellent results we've got against them in this campaign. That 1-0 away win will live long in the memory. That's 180 minutes with conceding against them, and that's something I've got to proud of.

"We ran our luck at times but Burns was outstanding for us in goal today, a heroic performance. The lads battled hard and at half-time what with the Harlseburg score thought we had a chance at qualification but it wasn't to be. You've got to feel for Harlseburg though, needing only a point from 2 games against struggling nations... thats football though isn't it. Good luck to Oliverry in the World Cup."

"It makes our early form ever more frustrating. We got 4 points from our first 7 games and that's cost us dear in the end. We've missed out by 2 points, just 1 win and looking back we came very close. We started poorly and that's why we've missed out now. I can't fault the lads though, we've done alot better than we were expecting to, and to still be in with a shout on the final matchday is a great achievement. Hopefully now we can kick on from here into a successful Cup of Harmony campaign, should we get the chance.

Final Score - Elrich 0 - Turori 0
Elrich - Burns, Scott, P Spinks, Jones, Adams (Ino 78), Singh-Queen, J Spinks, Banks, Zebedee (Grimble 78), Elrich, Mudge


GROUP 8
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Turori 18 11 6 1 30 10 20 39
2 One Red Dot 18 11 4 3 29 19 10 37
3 Oliverry 18 7 5 6 26 22 4 26
---------------------------------------------------
4 Harlesburg 18 7 4 7 25 17 8 25
5 Elrich 18 7 3 8 23 25 -2 24
6 Hurfordia 18 5 7 6 28 27 1 22
7 Aztec Kingdom 18 6 4 8 21 29 -8 22
8 Ratlea 18 5 5 8 16 19 -3 20
9 Swilatia 18 4 5 9 20 33 -13 17
10 Crendonia 18 3 5 10 10 27 -17 14



Elrich 0 Oliverry 1
Swilatia 1 Elrich 0
Elrich 0 Aztec Kingdom 3
Elrich 3 Ratlea 2 - Mudge, Elrich, Banks
Crendonia 1 Elrich 1 - Elrich (pen)
Elrich 0 One Red Dot 2
Harlesburg 2 Elrich 1 - Zebedee
Elrich 2 Hurfordia 0 - Mudge (2)
Turori 0 Elrich 1 - Mudge
Oliverry 3 Elrich 4 - Elrich (2), Mudge, Singh-Queen
Elrich 2 Swilatia 0 - Mudge, Grimble
Aztec Kingdom 3 Elrich 1 - Elrich
Ratlea 1 Elrich 2 - Elrich, Jones
Elrich 1 Crendonia 1 - J Spinks
One Red Dot 2 Elrich 1 - Mudge
Elrich 0 Harlesburg 1
Hurfordia 2 Elrich 4 - Mudge (3), Banks
Elrich 0 - Trurori 0

THE DRAW FOR THE 25TH WORLD CUP FINALS

The draw took place at the Indoor International Arena in Kaza, with about thirty seconds of entertainment from Katherine Jenkins before she was dragged away due to the risk of broken glass.

Each group has two seeded and two unseeded teams, the seeded teams being the top 16 in the KPB rankings. Groups A-D are in Audioslavia, Groups E-H in Kaze Progressa.

The draw is as follows:


GROUP A
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

GROUP B
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

GROUP C
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

GROUP D
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

GROUP E
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

GROUP F
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

GROUP G
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

GROUP H
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz



SCHEDULE FOR GROUP MATCHES:
DAY ONE 1. 1v4 2. 2v3; DAY TWO 3. 1v2 4. 3v4; DAY THREE 5. 1v3 6. 2v4

SCHEDULE FOR KNOCKOUT MATCHES:
Second round:
1. 1st A v 2nd F
2. 1st B v 2nd E
3. 1st C v 2nd H
4. 1st D v 2nd G
5. 1st E vs 2nd B
6. 1st F vs 2nd A
7. 1st G vs 2nd D
8. 1st H vs 2nd C

Matches 1,3,6,8 in Kaze Progressa; matches 2,4,5,7 in Audioslavia

Quarter-finals:

A: Winner 1 vs winner 3
B: Winner 2 vs winner 4
C: Winner 5 vs winner 7
D: Winner 6 vs winner 8

Matches A and D in Kaze Progressa; matches B and C in Audioslavia

Semi-finals:

E: Winner A vs winner D
F: Winner B vs winner C

Match E in Kaze Progressa; match F in Audioslavia

Third place playoff [Silver Jubilee Stadium, Soundgardia]
FINAL [Progressair Stadium, Kaza]


Matches will start tomorrow and take place every day thereafter.
Scores will usually be telegrammed in the early evening (UK time) and posted the following morning.

I PREDICT A WINNER
Bill Tulos writes


GROUP A
Liverpool England
Lovisa
FMJPhoenix
Hockey Canada

The Terminators should get through without too much trouble, however below that two rising stars get the chance to take a pot-shot at Lovisa. Expect FMJPhoenix to sneak through.
PREDICTION: LEN, FMJ, HCN, LOV

GROUP B
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Aside from Cockbill Street, it's a repeat of Group H from four years ago. Expect the Pshychoes to qualify, and Spruitland to beat out the underachieving Streetians.
PREDICTION: SQU, SPR, CST, FCN

GROUP C
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

Vilita? Unseeded? It's true, and that could be trouble for the rest of the group. Krytenia should make it too at the expense of the two "O" teams.
PREDICTION: VIL, KRY, OAK, OLI

GROUP D
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

The hosts will have some loud, and most likely profane, support and will get through this quagmire. The "pin in paper" method tells use ORD will also progress.
PREDICTION: AUD, ORD, RBA, CAS

GROUP E
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

The Curse Of The 100%er could strike....and that could see Crystilakere and Bettia qualify at the expense of Bedistan. Don't laugh - it's happened to The Eagle's Nest, Krytenia and Tadjikistan before...
PREDICTION: CRY, BET, BED, SVE

GROUP F
Tadjikistan
Insanicia
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

Tadjiks and the Insane. No contest, except perhaps for third.
PREDICTION: TDJ, TUI, JER, NMS

GROUP G
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

The Group Of Near Death. Expect the imploding Druids to disappear, taking the Bluebirds with them.
PREDICTION: TUR, STB, DRU, NBR

GROUP H
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. I'm sticking my neck out and saying Rejistania and Sarzonia, but anything could happen.
PREDICTION: SRZ, REJ, EAZ, KZP

Second round:
1. Liverpool England v Insanicia - LEN beats TUI insane...
2. Squornshelous v Bettia - Bet on the Pschychoes
3. Vilita v Rejistania - Karela over Kitties
4. Audioslavia v Starblaydia - It's all gone purple over there...
5. Crystilakere v Spruitland - Spruit to sprout
6. Tadjikistan v FMJPhoenix - Tigers drain the coffee
7. Turori v One Red Dot - Eel meet again...
8. Sarzonia v Krytenia - Penalties, anyone?

Quarter-finals:

A: Liverpool England v Rejistania - Orange-Blues stamp the champs
B: Squornshelous v Starblaydia - All Squorn out
C: Spruitland v Turori - Spru can stop them?
D: Tadjikistan v Sarzonia - Stars going far

Semi-finals:

E: Rejistania v Sarzonia - Karela wins again
F: Starblaydia v Spruitland - More mauve, boss!

Third place playoff [Silver Jubilee Stadium, Soundgardia]
Sarzonia v Spruitland - #1 claims third

FINAL [Progressair Stadium, Kaza]
Rejistania v Starblaydia - Five-time champs

PREDICTION
REJISTANIA

ST: Hejida listeners, this is Sirake Tekim and you are listening to Radio RejisCAST! We are here in Live from the Leagues, but today, we have something more special! Today, he have the Group Draw for World Cup 25 in Kaze Progressa and Audioslavia! And I can tell you, this will be a hard group for our beloved Orange-Blues! In Group H (a weird detail of Sirake's reporting is that he pronounces the letters if they exist in rejistanian as rejistanian letters) are: Rejistaniha, Sarsoniha, Eauz and Kaze Progressa. Do I hear Group of Death? Let's listen to some comments. First Daran'he!
Soundbyte: This group will be really, really hard, but our Orange-Blues have a good chance. They are not one of the top 16 for no reason!
ST: Yeah, in this role, he needs optimism! Now for Hatime I Ra~e
Soundbyte: Hexatux says... wait... that we have a 54% chance to advance, this is not much!
ST: Hexatux, yeah, Hatime I Ra~e relies on the system, but that is not a bad thing. The years in which Hexatux was programmed were a good time for rejistanian soccer, why not use it as base? And what does High Priest Haxada think? We do not know, but we do guess he hopes that the most defensive team will win... too bad for him, System Karela did not qualify! But now some music. Directly from a place called Andorra, here it is: "Marian van de Wal - La Mirada Interior"

The Dennis Record-Declaration
February 12, 2086

World Cup 25: A Preview

With the group draw officially done, now is the time for various previews from all over the world. We've seen the offering from those Krytie bastards, now it's time to show you what's really going to happen.

Group Stage

Group A

Liverpool England
Rank: 2nd
Qualifying performance: 14-1-3 (2nd in Group 3)
WC24 performance: Champions

Lovisa
Rank: 16th
Qualifying performance: 14-2-2 (2nd in Group 7)
WC24 performance: Second round

Fmjphoenix
Rank: 25th
Qualifying performance: 10-4-4 (3rd in Group 3)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group G

Hockey Canada
Rank: 33rd
Qualifying performance: 12-3-3 (1st in Group 9)
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

As much as we all hate to say it, Liverpool England should have no problem advancing. Second place is a very tough decision, though; the always-underestimated Lovisa just about always make it to the knockout stages, but we know from personal experience that Fmjphoenix can do some damage in the first round. Perhaps out of respect more than anything else, we give the nod to the latter.

Prediction
Liverpool England
Fmjphoenix
Lovisa
Hockey Canada

Group B

Squornshelous
Rank: 11th
Qualifying performance: 14-2-2 (1st in Group 2)
WC24 performance: Second round [ooc: :p]

Cockbill Street
Rank: 9th
Qualifying performance: 14-0-4 (1st in Group 6)
WC24 performance: Quarterfinals

Five Civilized Nations
Rank: 26th
Qualifying performance: 8-5-5 (3rd in Group 5)
WC24 performance: 4th in Group H

Spruitland
Rank: 28th
Qualifying performance: 10-2-6 (3rd in Group 7)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group H

The difference in talent between the first two and the last two is just too great to overcome here. An in-form Squornshelous should top the group ahead of Cockbill Street, and 5CN will likely repeat their performance from last time, dead last with no points.

Prediction
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Spruitland
Five Civilized Nations

Group C

Oaker
Rank: 8th
Qualifying performance: 12-4-2 (1st in Group 4)
WC24 performance: Quarterfinals

Krytenia
Rank: 6th
Qualifying performance: 12-1-5 (2nd in Group 10)
WC24 performance: Third place

Oliverry
Rank: 46th
Qualifying performance: 7-5-6 (3rd in Group 8)
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

Vilita
Rank: 24th
Qualifying performance: 11-3-4 (3rd in Group 1)
WC24 performance: 4th in Group D

Sorry for those of you thinking Vilita will make their comeback here, it's just not going to happen. Krytenia should walk the group, but Oaker will find their way into second place again. Expect Oliverry to turn Karelan - three draws would be a very good performance for them here.

Prediction
Krytenia
Oaker
Vilita
Oliverry

Group D

Audioslavia
Rank: 14th
Co-hosts
WC24 performance: Second round

One Red Dot
Rank: 14th
Qualifying performance: 11-4-3 (2nd in Group 8)
WC24 performance: Second round

Casari
Rank: 43rd
Qualifying performance: 9-3-6 (3rd in Group 6)
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

Bipedal Apes
Rank: 29th
Qualifying performance: 9-4-5 (2nd in Group 6)
WC24 performance: 4th in Group B

The official DRD Upset Special™: Casari to burst forth and take second place behind hosts Audioslavia. Those lovable anthropomorphic dots and apes will have to wait four more years.

Prediction
Audioslavia
Casari
One Red Dot
Bipedal Apes

For Groups E through H, as well as the knockout rounds, see page C2.

---

Page C2? That's the sports section...crap, where did I put that thing? Gotta go hunt for it now...

The Big Purple Starblaydi Qualifying Round-Up
Eighteen matches worth of writing extravagance

Part One

There's only one thing you can say about Matchday One. If you look through the entire list of results, all fifty of them, there's just one result that sticks out for the neutral observer:

Starblaydia 3-1 Vilita
(Tumunzahar 37, G. Lopez 54, Buathiang 71) - (Majara 23)

For anyone over, say, fifty-five, (or thirty-something, if You're Vilitan, or around twenty-five if you're Sarzonian, adapt your timelines as appropriate) they might be able to recall Starblaydia's first meeting in the World Cup Qualifiers, which was against Vilita, of all places.

Only the truly forward-thinking back then would have predicted that one nation would go on to win a World Cup and the other would win Four Atlantian Oceania Cups of Association Football, with both having chances to go on and lift the World crown on other occassions. So, to see Starblaydia playing Vilita in the present day is a truly glorious sight indeed.

Glorious. There's a good word to describe Rowan Majara's first-half strike. In fact, any goal where the player is thirty-odd yards out and the ball goes straight into the net is usually pretty glorious. The Internashionale player stunned the Jader Barbahlo Stadium into near-silence, populated only by the cheers of the travelling Vilitan fans. The replay was even better, Angelos Prokopsis (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Angelos_Prokopsis) completely beaten by the curve of the ball, Majara getting more whip on it than a seedy Turorian members-only club. You know the one. I've seen you there. Remember the webcam sluts? Precisely. Anyway.

Starblaydia were hoping to not repeat the first scoreline between the two teams, a 2-1 victory for Vilita, while the team from the Tropics were hoping that infamous AOCAF3 scoreline of 6-1 to Starblaydia. Either of those scorelines were possible by half-time, as Marine Coast United (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Marine_Coast_United) and Starblaydia's very own top-Dwarf, Zhorin Tumunzahar (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Zhorin_Tumunzahar), scored the equaliser.

Stealing the ball from Andrea Lamberti, something he had done once before in the Stellar Division, Tumunzahar broke free of the defence and slotted the ball through the legs of the onrushing Jawz Oaker. Half-time came and the teams went in level at 1-1.

The second half, however, saw a landmark in Starblaydi football as Starblaydia scored their 500th goal in senior international competitions. Covering World Cup Qualifiers and Finals, AOCAFs, CoHs and other associated senior tournaments such as the IRC, FNI and so forth. The goal was scored by Giovanni Lopez (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Giovanni_Lopez), the Internashionale (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Internashionale) Striker-come-Winger. Giovanni, interestingly enough, was the scorer of the Under-21s 200th goal at the Under-21 World Cup, giving him a double-landmark to call his own.

As Starblaydia had been stunned by a Vilitan player in their own league, so were Vilita stunned by a Starblaydi in their league. Surachai Buathiang (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Surachai_Buathiang), a former wonderkid but now thirty-one, lobbed a floundering Jaw Oaker in the Vilitan net from around 48 yards, just inside the Vilitan half. No longer chanted as:

"His name's to long, he's got no song, Surachai Buathiang"

The two-time Viltian Stellar Division Foreign Midfielder of the Year is now, for all time:

"Su-ra, from the half-way line!"

So, on the first (admittedly restarted, but first proper) Matchday of Qualifiers, Starblaydia have beaten Vilita. Anyone remember World Cup 15 Qualifying, Matchday 1? Vilita 2 Starblaydia 1 was the scoreline and now, 40 years later this defeat was avenged. Took a bloody long time, didnt it?

The next matchday was easier, despite a Starblaydi B-Team playing. Iskara Daii (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Iskara_Daii) striker Raphaelo got the only goal of the game as Starblaydia went to Kudlastan and beat them. Nice and simple.

Kudlatan 0-1 Starblaydia
(None) - (Raphaelo 17)

Easier still, however, was a home match against Lethislavania. Formerly this would have been a relatively tough match for Starblaydia, but the Lethislavanians have dropped off the international pace, and Sura "from the half-way line" Buathiang, Raphaelo and finally Cherry Garcia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Cherry_Garcia) scored the goals in a nice, resounding, 3-0 win.

Starblaydia 3-0 Lethislavania
(Buathiang 32, Raphaelo 61, Garcia 88) - (None)

Matchday Four, however, saw two red cards dished out to Starblaydia, something that had never happened before in living (read: can't-be-bothered-to-research) memory. Even more surprising, too, in that it was both Dwarves: Right-Back Danzir Garahildim (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Danzir_Garahildim) and Striker Zhorin Tumunzahar. The source of these sendings-off isn't hard to figure out, though. If you were a Dwarf - just imagine for a moment - you're short, fat, bearded and have a tendancy towards drinking lots of ale and weilding axes.

Now, also imagine that your eternal mortal enemy is an elf. Tall, lean, ancient and probably gay, with a tendancy to stare off into the middle-distance like a poor mail-order catalouge.

Then factor in the name of the opponent: Da Pilelfya Empiya. Cunningly, the world 'elf' appears in that name. So, you - as a dwarf, remember - would want to psyche yourself up and go kick some poncy ass, right? So what if they're not as tall, graceful or cultured as the standard Elves you've seen in the books, they've gotta be Elvish, right? Well... no. So with 8 men, 1 woman and no Dwarves, Starblaydia just couldnt get enough of the ball to put it in the net.

Starblaydia 0-0 Da Philelfya Empiya
(None) - (None)

With no world-class cutting edge to the Starblaydi assault, an 11-person side managed to line up against Kericia and it was a different World-Class individual who came to the fore. Menecrates (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Menecrates), the incredibly-talented uber-midfield maestro of the Corinthian Spirits (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Corinthian_Spirits[/ur), scored an incredible hat-trick, adding to the one he'd scored against Caprine States in the Under-21 World Cup.

Kericia 1-3 Starblaydia
(None) - (Menecrates 9, 25, 59)

The second match for which both Tumunzahar and Garahildim were suspended was another Starblaydi win, left-back Leopoldo Lopez and subsitute striker Mercutio bagged the goals, leaving Starblaydia to drop just two points from the opening six matches. They should have dropped none, of course, but this is football, after all.

Starblaydia 2-1 Metfield
(L. Lopez 21, Mercutio 76) - (#19 44)

Starblaydia, however, were top of Group One, somewhere they wanted to stay for the next twelve matchdays. They had, unfortunately, been the first team to give Da non-elvish Philelfya Empiya a point. For shame!


GROUP 1 - Matchday 6
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Starblaydia 6 5 1 0 12 3 9 16
2 Vilita 6 5 0 1 15 7 8 15
3 Tadjikistan 6 5 0 1 10 3 7 15
4 Dauna Hills 6 3 1 2 7 8 -1 10
5 Kudlastan 6 3 0 3 5 5 0 9
6 Lethislavania 6 2 1 3 7 10 -3 7
7 Kericia 6 2 0 4 6 13 -7 6
8 Metfield 6 1 1 4 4 7 -3 4
9 Rordia 6 1 1 4 5 9 -4 4
10 Da Philelfya Empiya 6 0 1 5 4 10 -6 1

The Daily Druid
Reporting to the parts nobody cares about

RAINBOWS WEAKEST IN AO SUPERGROUP
By Eric Tree

Now, I know there isn't much of a country to write home to, but there still is a bit of one, and while there is, we shall continue to report on Druida's performances and chances in the World Cup. So here goes.

We're doomed.

The Daily Druid
Reporting to the parts nobody cares about

HISISIM FACES STERNEST TEST YET
By Eric Tree

Apparently, my report for yesterdays paper wasn't in depth enough for those running this publication, so I have been told to do the whole report again.

Druida will be facing Turori, Starblaydia and Nova Britannicus in the World Cup finals. We weren't present for the draw, but basically, what appears to have been done is that they've picked us out of the hat and put us with the three sides we have strongest rivalries with. If only Sliponia had been in the draw, it would have made things so much easier...

The Men In Mauve are up first. Yes, I know it's a Krytenian name for them, and that our rivalry is more a friendly cross-Bekk one, and that, deep down, we probably get along OK, but hey, that's not going to stop us. We'll probably run them close, but the best we can hope for is a point from this one.

Piddly Little Island are our second opponents. We don't like them, and their kits are a horrible colour. At least mud doesn't show up on them, though. As far as I'm concerned, we must beat this lot. Otherwise we will take their shirts and wipe our asses with them. Not that we'd be able to tell when they were clean or anything...

The Men Who Want To Be In Mauve are our final opponents. Unfortunately, they bought the wrong coloured dye at the shop, and the shirts ended up a murky shade of blue instead. Basically, this lot are like our first opponents, only crapper. If we're going to get through, hisisim must succeed here, or else.

Well, there we go. Four teams, three of whom are better ranked than Druida, three of whom Druida don't particularly seem to keen on, and... uh... Druida.

If there's any justice in the world, here's how the table should finish.

1. The Mighty Midfielders
2. The Men In Mauve
3. The Men Who Want To Be In Mauve
4. Aquilla
5. Lanky Dude
6. Hash n Beans
7. Holy India
8. Holy lndia
9. Gmalc
10. The NEWI Cefn Druids World Cup 11 allstars
1337. Piddly Little Island

Unfortunately, there's no justice in the world, the frikkin' Piddly Little Islanders and the Mauve Monstrosities will go through, and the team playing the greatest formation ever seen will go home without a single point, despite outclassing their opponents in all three encounters.

Such is life...

Prediction time

Right then. The qualifiers are over and done with. While the kiddies go play in the Cup of Harmony, thirty-two teams head over to Audioslavia and Kaze Progressa for the most important tournament of the century. Or, well, of the next four years, at least.

And with the groups drawn, seemingly randomly, that means it’s time for everyone and their cat to release unfounded, biased and plain ridiculous opinions and predictions about how the cup will go, and who will win it all. Always happy to blindingly follow the flock, we thought we’d give our own prediction. And who better to be biased, unfounded and ridiculous than Dirk Jools, Spruitland’s star striker and Hottest Bachelor for 6 years running, as voted by The Spruity Teen magazine.

Please note that the opinions of mister Jools might not reflect the opinions of the average Spruitlander, thank you.

Group A
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

Right, pretty crap group this. Pretty straightforward to predict though. Two clear favorites, one outsider, one “just happy to be here.” The Hockey Canadians are gonna go home black, blue and not-quite-so-pretty-no-more. Fmjphoenix might just squeeze into second place, but I doubt it. I think this group will end in the same order it started. LE, Lovisa, Fmj, HC.

Group B
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Bit of a deja-vu here. Almost exactly the same group we had four years ago, only Krytenia is replaced by Cockbill Street. All the same to us, they both suck anyway. I’d say we should come out on top without breaking a sweat. Could be any of the other three for second place. I’ll say Squornshelous, just because that starts with an S as well. Spruit, Squorn, 5CN, CS.

Group C
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

This is a pretty crap group, even without Oliverry dragging down the average level. They might as well stay home, three 5-0 walkover scores would be better for their record than trying to compete. The three other teams pretty much equal each other in crappiness, so it’ll come down to luck and referee bribery. Which gives Oaker a clear edge, so I’m putting them up front. Then Vilita just ahead of Krytenia, doing one better in goal difference because of a fluke goal. Oaker, Vil, Kry, Oli.

Group D
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

Another crap group, this. Clear example of group draw tampering, one of the hosts drawn with three crap teams. The ‘slaves will cruise through, with the other teams competing to be slightly less crappy than the others. I’ll put the Apes in second, but I wouldn’t put my money on it. AS, Apes, ORD, Casari.

Group E
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

Whaddayaknow, another crappy group. I suppose Bedistan has the edge here, with their perfect qualifying record, but the pressure to maintain that streak will make it difficult on them. They should still advance, but I think Bettia will take the group win. Bettia, Bedi, Cryst, Svecia.

Group F
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

Not much interesting about this group. Might as well cancel the matches and pull two names out of a hat to decide who goes through, would be better for everyone. No such luck though. The Insanicians will probably coast through, with a little help from local officials who still feel bad about an administrative screw up at the start of qualifying. On paper, Tadjikistan are clear favorites to take second, but I think it could be tight. I’ll put New Montreal ahead of them, just because I feel like it. TnUI, NMS, Tadjik, Jeruselem.

Group G
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

Possibly the crappiest group of them all. Put these teams in four other groups and they all end dead last. As it is, I see Druida sneaking in front of the others, with the Brits pulling one over on their paymasters. Turori’s gonna fall flat on their faces this time, mark my words. Dru, NB, Star, Turori.

Group H
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

Not possibly, but most certainly the crappiest group of them all. Another clear example of the hosts rigging the group draw. Expect the Progressans to be awarded more than one dubious last minute penalty against the teams going for scoreless draws. In similar fashion, the Sarzonians will get lucky again, just like the last three World Cups. Sarz, KP, Rejis, Eauz.

Second Round:
Liverpool England – New Montreal States: 4-1. LE through without much effort. Oh well.
Spruitland – Bedistan: 6-0. Nevermind the qualifiers, this is payback time.
Oaker – Kaze Progressa: 3-2 AET. Dodgy referee decisions will delay the inevitable.
Audioslavia – Nova Britannicus: 0-2. The ‘slaves have been a bit absent lately, which’ll show in Round 2.
Bettia – Squornshelous: 1-3. Should be a crap match, with Squorn coming out ahead.
TnUI – Lovisa: 1-1 AET. Not much seperating these two. Lovisa through on penalties.
Druida – Bipedal Apes: 5-1. Ass-whoopin’, monkey-style. With four Ape own goals.
Sarzonia – Vilita: 1-2. This’ll be the start of the Sarzonians dropping down the ranks over the next few cups.

Quarter Finals:
Liverpool England – Oaker: 1-2 AET. That’ll be far enough for LE, thank you.
Spruitland – Nova Britannicus: 3-1. Piece of cake. With a cherry on top.
Squornshelous – Druida: 0-1. Crap match, with a fluke goal deciding the winner.
Lovisa – Vilita: 2-2 AET. These teams are destined to run into each other each cup. Lovisa through on penalties.

Semi Finals:
Oaker – Lovisa: 4-4 AET. Match of the tournament. Oaker keeps their nerve in the shootout.
Spruitland – Druida: 2-0. This one we can’t lose.

3PPO:
Lovisa – Druida: 3-1. No medal for Druida this time. Krolestwa all the way.

Final:
Oaker – Spruitland: 2-2 AET. Well, I’ll say Oaker wins it with the penalties, just because I don’t wanna be arrogant and call ourselves as the winners.

thsd:NEWS
Wake Up And Smell The Coffee
By Bill Tulos in Hypocrium

AFTER the mauling of World Cup 23, Krytenia regained the Golden Cafetiere with a three-one win over FMJPhoenix in a packed Hyppodrome. For the local neutrals it was a chance to see a quality of football that was surprisingly lacking in Hypocria's failed qualifying attempt. For the two sets of fans, though, it was a game that lived up to the hype, and closer than the scoreline would suggest.

The Phoenicians had much of the ball in the opening fifteen minutes, but despite several shots on goal, Barcali was only tested once, tipping over a fierce shot from captain Mike Nolan. Krytenia dragged themselves into the game after that, and some thrilling end-to-end football ensued, including another Barcali save (this time from Dave Daniels), and Kevin Keda hitting the post.

It was the Vikings who took the lead though, twelve minutes from half-time. The goal itself was unspectacular, but excellent build-up play from the Phoenix midfield unscrewed the Aces' back four and created the tap-in for Daniels. One-nil, and that looked like the score going into the break, but Robin Spivey latched on to a whipped Kader cross and powered home a fine header. One-all, and all still to play for.

The second half was more of the same. Close shaves, woodwork shaved, midfield needling; this game was cooking. But forty minutes of the second period failed to provide another goal. Until, that is, Gabriel Kennedy found some space on the left. His low ball into the centre found sub Geoff Merckx, who slammed the ball home to put Krytenia in front.

The drama was, however, not over. FMJPhoenix forced a corner deep into stoppage time, putting all eleven players in the box in a do-or die move. Powell Lamarr was, however, outjumped by Barcali, and he launched a huge kick that bounced once before sheepishly resting in the unguarded net.

Three-one was the final score, and the roar as captain Lyle Lovitz lifted the trophy was deafening. The Aces will now be looking forward to the World Cup Finals, where Oaker, Oliverry, and Vilita lie in wait. See you there!

KRYTENIA - 3
Kennedy 44, Merckx 85, Barcali 90+3

FMJPHOENIX - 1
Daniels

The Takil Army, Sort Of
By Lisa Schiavo in Bromham

WITH Druida in ruins, and tickets for the Aces' World Cup matches sold out, one supporters club in Nova Mercia have come up with a novel solution. The Mercia Independent Supporters Association (MISA), a cadre of some four thousand Mercia Bromham fans, have banded together to support the Rainbows in their upcoming games in Kaze Progressa. The group, calling themselves the "MISA Bromham Druids", are looking forward to seeing three of their favourite players in action, as well as being able to rile up the Starblaydis.

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 17
R. Spivey: 12
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON L 0-1

CAFE: N v FMJ W 3-1 (Hyppodrome, Hypocria)

R1: N v OAK ?????
R1: N v OLI ?????
R1: N v VIL ?????

The Big Purple Starblaydi Qualifying Round-Up
Eighteen matches worth of writing extravagance

Part Two

At Riordia on Matchday Seven, the Dwarfs were once more unleashed on an unsuspecting oppoent. Riordia was their name, and losing 1-0 to Starblaydia on MD7 was their game. Danzir Garahildim was the player who scored, tapping in at the back post, third in a queue of Starblaydi players to want to pounce on a Cherry Garcia cross. Menecrates flung himself at the ball, Tumunzahar stuck out a leg but it was Danzir in the right place, sidefooting the ball home.

Rordia 0-1 Starblaydia
(None) - (Garhildim 57)

With Matchdays Eight and Nine, there was only one good thing to come out of that two-match period: Tumunzahar got a pair of goals, one in each match. Other than that, there's not a single thing that was good about those two games. A 1-1 and a 1-3. Just plain not good enough for Nikola "Laser" Lazerevski's men. and woman. And Dwarves, who are kind-of men anyway.

Starblaydia 1-1 Dauna Hills
(Tumunzahar 62) - (#17 65)

Tadjikistan 3-1 Starblaydia
(Salenko 6, Zuhurov 49, Saradov 72) - (Tumunzahar 22)

[occ: Forgive me, Tadjik, if you've posted your scorers for this match already, but I havent the inclination to search 582 posts for them :D]

And lo, did Matchday Ten arrive and Starblaydia did travel to Vilita for the return leg and, once more, the tie of the Day. And verily, the Starblaydi heros bedecked in purest White and the largely non-mauveish Purple did right royally kick the Teal-clad arses of the Vilitans. Again.

Cherry Garcia popped (so to speak) up with a couple of goals, and Starblaydi Captain Nunzio Gre (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Nunzio_Gre) weighed in too before half time. Finally it was Giovanni Lopez who finised off the rout, turning it into what looked like a 4-0 defeat. Old stager Carmine Mdbidzo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Carmine_Mbidzo), however, had other ideas as he decided to score with his second touch from a free-kick in injury time. They always have to take the gloss of our performances, don't they? The tropical gits.

Vilita 1-4 Starblaydia
(Mbidzo 90) - (Garcia 17 + 42, Gre 38, G. Lopez 71)

The next two matches also added four goals each to Starblaydia's 'GA' column. First of all it was the Jaime and Zhorin Show at home to Kudlatsan: young defender Jaime Oberlander bagged his first ever international goal while Zhorin got his 35th, 36th and 37th. Ever does Zhorin chase Simeone Di Bradini's (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Simeone_Di_Bradini) record of 44 for his country.

Starblaydia 4-1 Kudlastan
(Oberlander 12, Tumunzahar 22, 56, 72) - (#10, 34)

Lethislavania 3-4 Starblaydia
(7, 19, 57) - (L. Lopez 3, Menecrates 37 + 41, Vega 89)

Equally the Lethislavania return match was a scorcher, eventually seeing substitute Roberto Vega win it for Starblaydia with less than 60 seconds left on the clock. Another goal for Iskara Daii Left-Back Leopoldo Lopez kept up his impressive displays, as well as a well-taken brace from Menecrates sorted the Lethislavanians.

Just.

The return match against the non-elvish Empiya was much better, probably because Danzir Garahildim and Zhorin Tumunzahar were left on the bench for the match. That meant that Raphaelo and a different Lopez - Giovanni - had to provide two Starblaydi goals before they could claim the three points.

Da Philelfya Empiya 1 -2 Starblaydia
(#6, 33) - (Raphaelo 22, G. Lopez 66)


GROUP 1 - Matchday 13
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Tadjikistan 13 10 2 1 27 8 19 32
2 Starblaydia 13 10 2 1 29 13 16 32
3 Vilita 13 8 2 3 28 16 12 26
4 Dauna Hills 13 7 4 2 16 12 4 25
5 Lethislavania 13 5 3 5 17 17 0 18
6 Metfield 13 3 3 7 13 21 -8 12
7 Kudlastan 13 3 3 7 8 18 -10 12
8 Kericia 13 3 3 7 13 28 -15 12
9 Rordia 13 2 3 8 9 16 -7 9
10 Da Philelfya Empiya 13 0 3 10 8 19 -11 3

WC24 REDUX

Paladins Fans watch draw with a bad case of deja vu

KP - After watching the World Cup finals group draw, the Paladins are left with a bad case of deja vu after ending up in the same group as TnUI and Tadjikistan.

"Didn't we play those guys in WC24?" asked Imelin Potiphar, a passing fan.

Well, if by "play" you mean "had 11 people on the same piece of grass as those guys at the same time they were on it too," than, yes, we did. But a 0-1-2 record in the qualifiers should indicate the kind of results we can expect.

Speaking of results, here's some predictions:

Tadjikistan - After a pair of 4-2 losses to these guys, we came to believe that they were invincible heroes. Their performance in the qualifiers has given us no reason to change that. But since we're a lot better nowadays, let's say a nice 4-3 loss instead. Or 3-2. But a loss regardless.

Total n Utter Insanity - We eked out a draw against these guys last cup. They've gone down, we've gone up*. But a loss is still the most likely outcome.

Jeruselem - We know nothing about these guys, except that they're probably better than us. But since we're the lowest-seeded team in the finals (just behind KP), that really isn't all that descriptive. So, yeah, we go down again.

New Montreal States - At the bottom of the draw, both at the start and probably at the finish.

But hey, Milchama isn't even here, so I'd say we came out ahead no matter what happens.

*come to think of it, they've gone up, also.

Group of Death awaits Stars

So much for the world's number one ranking giving the Sarzonian national football team an easy group.

Sarzonia were placed in Group H in Kaze Progressa, but they were also drawn against hosts Kaze Progressa for the first time since World Cup XX when the Stars were an up and coming side that was still seeking its first-ever World Cup finals win.

Sarzonia have faced Kaze Progressa twice, earning a 0-0 draw in their World Cup finals debut and losing 2-0 in the second match of the World Cup XX finals. However, Barry Owens said he would be showing the team film of the Talzeckia-Kaze Progressa match that saw the Sarzonian colonials defeat Kaze Progressa at their home grounds.

"I'm not doing that for anything specific in terms of current players or tactics," Owens said. "I just wanted to show these guys that [beating Kaze Progressa] can be done."

However, the Stars also are facing their nemeses in Rejistania, a team that Sarzonia have never defeated in senior football. Assistant Coach Cal Trottier has said he intends to show the team tapes of the Junior Stars' victories over Rejistania, in part because of the psychological edge involved, but also "to show them that damn Karela can be beaten."

Stars players also to a man warn people not to look past Eauz, another side that makes several players nervous, such as midfielder Jenna Raven.

"They're among the best teams in the world, and not just because they're here," Raven said. "This is easily the toughest draw in the World Cup. The two sides who move on to the knockouts are going to be in for a war. I wouldn't be surprised if this group produced the world champions or wipes out whoever makes it that far."

The Stars also dismissed the predictions by Spruitland media that boasted their guess that the Stars would fall in the second round.

"They're still sore at us over that exchange between our presidents a few cups back," Trottier said. "We were expected to fall in the second round last Cup and we made it back to the World Cup finals. If we don't make it, we hope they fall flat on their faces."

Aha, here's page C3...

-----

Group E

Crystilakere
Rank: 12th
Qualifying performance: 12-4-2 (2nd in Group 5)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group B

Bedistan
Rank: 3rd
Qualifying performance: 18-0-0 (1st in Group 7)
WC24 performance: Quarterfinals

Bettia
Rank: 39th
Qualifying performance: 11-7-0 (1st in Group 10)
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

Svecia
Rank: 21st
Qualifying performance: 11-2-5 (3rd in Group 2)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group F

This is harder to predict than it looks. On the surface, Bedistan should go 3-0-0, but do the Lions honestly still have the juice after that marathon qualifying run? Frankly, I wouldn't expect to see a perfect record here, but they should be able to defeat Svecia and draw the other two at the very least. Also look for Bettia to break into the knockout stage in their first time with the big boys.

Prediction
Bedistan
Bettia
Crystilakere
Svecia

Group F

Tadjikistan
Rank: 13th
Qualifying performance: 14-3-1 (1st in Group 1)
WC24 performance: Second round

Total n Utter Insanity
Rank: 7th
Qualifying performance: 10-4-4 (2nd in Group 9)
WC24 performance: Fourth place

Jeruselem
Rank: 23rd
Qualifying performance: 11-4-3 (3rd in Group 4)
WC24 performance: Second round

New Montreal States
Rank: 58th
Qualifying performance: 7-7-4 (3rd in Group 10)
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

It's another group along the lines of Group B; the first two have it and the second two don't. Face it, NMS are just so happy to be here that they won't care if they go 0-0-3 with a -13 goal difference. All right, it won't be that bad, but you get the idea. Line 'em up as listed.

Prediction
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

Group G

Starblaydia
Rank: 10th
Qualifying performance: 13-3-2 (2nd in Group 1)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group C

Turori
Rank: 4th
Qualifying performance: 11-6-1 (2nd in Group 10)
WC24 performance: Quarterfinals

Nova Britannicus
Rank: 20th
Qualifying performance: 11-5-2 (2nd in Group 4)
WC24 performance: Second round

Druida
Rank: 18th
Qualifying performance: 14-2-2 (1st in Group 3)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group A

Starblaydia and Nova B in the same group again? That happened last time, and the Bluebirds left the "Men in Mauve" in the dust. Don't look for it again, though; we should see a flash of purple in the second round this time, and the "piddly little island" will most likely be the other representative from this all-AO group.

Prediction
Starblaydia
Turori
Druida
Nova Britannicus

Group H

Rejistania
Rank: 5th
Qualifying performance: 12-3-3 (2nd in Group 2)
WC24 performance: Second round

Sarzonia
Rank: 1st
Qualifying performance: 14-3-1 (1st in Group 5)
WC24 performance: Second place

Kaze Progressa
Rank: 57th
Co-hosts
WC24 performance: Did not qualify

Eauz
Rank: 17th
Qualifying performance: 9-5-4 (3rd in Group 9)
WC24 performance: 3rd in Group D

Seems to be generally considered the Group of Death, but we think it's pretty much a foregone conclusion as to who will go through, as Eauz has been stagnant of late and we really don't think any amount of home advantage will be enough for the still-rebuilding Progressans. The only question is who will finish first. As much as we dislike the idea of putting Sarzonia first, you have to admit that Rejistania hasn't been playing to its full potential lately.

Prediction
Sarzonia
Rejistania
Eauz
Kaze Progressa

Second Round

Liverpool England v Total n Utter Insanity
Squornshelous v Bettia
Krytenia v Rejistania
Audioslavia v Turori
Bedistan v Cockbill Street
Tadjikistan v Fmjphoenix
Starblaydia v Casari
Sarzonia v Oaker

Quarterfinals

Total n Utter Insanity v Rejistania
Squornshelous v Turori
Bedistan v Starblaydia
Fmjphoenix v Sarzonia

Semifinals

Total n Utter Insanity v Sarzonia
Squornshelous v Starblaydia

Third Place Playoff

Total n Utter Insanity v Squornshelous

Final

Sarzonia v Starblaydia

Vikings lose Cafetiere, qualify for the World Cup

When the Vikings got to the Hyppodome they were more relaxed than they had been in months. Knowing that they had passed the test and qualified for the World Cup, they seemed more calm and less stressed. But the sublime feeling did not help them out against Krytenia, as the Aces regained control of the Golden Cafetiere, effectivly ending Fmjphoenix's control of it for over 20 years.

Dave Daniels put the Vikings up early against Krytenia, but the lead was not long. Right before the end of the first half a beautiful header killed the lead and the first half. The second half was rougher, as the Aces just kept coming and coming at Powell Lamar, just barely getting it past him twice again for the 3-1 win. Despite the loss of the Cafetiere, the Vikings enjoyed the match and looks forward to a return match then when World Cup 26 comes around.

But the Vikings are hoping that World Cup 25 will still be lasting a lot longer for them this time around they are looking for something that they have not done before, move to the second round. Here is what the Vikings are looking at this time around.

Group A:
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

Liverpool England: Again????? That is three straight group draws with Liverpool England (4 if you count the restart of WC25). Two losses against the Terminators hurt during qualifying this time around, but our other past is more graceful, with a draw in the WC24 first round. Can we secure the win that we needed this time? We would like to think so.

Lovisa: The Vikings have not faced Lovisa ever, but there is a first time for everything. Despite them being the higher ranked side, we very well could squeek out a win here. It should be a well contested matchup.

Fmjphoenix: We are coming off of a shaky qualifying run that was not secured until the final day, but that does not matter anymore. Now comes the real hard part. Its time for production.

Hockey Canada: Great allies of Fmjphoenix. The only time we have faced off against the Canucks was in the U21WC. Both of those times were in the finals as well, with both sides taking a championship. But now its the senior squads turn to face off. Although we wish them much luck in their first venture in the World Cup proper, we hope the luck is against the teams that are not us.

Fmjphoenix Vikings
World Cup 25 Qualification Schedule
MD01: Fmjphoenix @ Druida 1-3 Loss
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs System Karela 4-0 Win
MD03: Fmjphoenix @ Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD04: Fmjphoenix vs Alan Shearer Heaven 3-1 Win
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama 2-0 Win
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Limbrogidlia 4-0 Win
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Oglethorpia 2-6 Loss
MD08: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 1-2 Loss
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Ariddia 1-0 Win
---------------------------------------
MD10: Fmjphoenix vs Druida 1-1 Draw
MD11: Fmjphoenix @ System Karela 3-1 Win
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Alan Shearer Heaven 1-0 Win
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama 1-1 Draw
MD15: Fmjphoenix @ Limbrogidila 1-1 Draw
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Oglethorpia 2-2 Draw
MD17: Fmjphoenix @ Liverpool England 0-3 Loss
MD18: Fmjphoenix vs Ariddia 2-1 Win

Cafe: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia 1-3 Loss
---------------------------------------
Record: 10-4-4

Viking Goalscorers:
Nolan 16
Ijanaeil 4
Boyd 4
Jenkins 3
Daniels 3
Brown 1

F; Fantastic or Failure?

GROUP F
Tadjikistan[13]
Total n Utter Insanity[7]
Jeruselem[23]
New Montreal States[58]

Most people would say this is an easy group for the Tadjiks, with nations that they have already beaten in the past. Tadjikistan won twice from New Montreal States in the WC24 qualifications(3-1 and 1-4) while they won once(1-0) and lost once to TnUI in that same World Cup qualification, during the World Cup the Tigers tied to those same Insanicians. Offcourse both these teams have improved since then and the outcome of these matches is difficult to predict.

Even harder to predict is the third match against Jeruselem, a side the Tadjik Tigers have never played against before. To add to the difficulty, we should say that all nations that qualify are strong footballnations and each have a good chance of proceeding to the next stage.

None the less, we believe the Tigers will qualify in this group and if they manage to play as they did in their last matches, we would say they'll take first place. Total n Utter Insanity will be Tadjikistans main rival, taking the other qualification spot.

And allthough we wouldnt mind them going to the next round, we doubt Jeruselem will make it through. Same goes for New Montreal States, who are said to be the little brother of this group.

If Tadjikistan pushes through to the next round, it meets a team from Group A. That will be either Liverpool England or one of the three other nations; Lovisa, FMJPhoenix or Hockey Canada as we cannot believe Liverpool England will fail the get past the group stage. Most likely they will be the leaders, which means the Tadjiks have to go for the leaders postion in group F if they dont want to lose their 2nd round match.

Tadjikistan - New Montreal States
Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity
Tadjikistan - Jeruselem

Jeruselem Government News

World Cup 25 - All fun and Insanity.

World Cup 25 groups announced. Jeruselem were draw in Group F for Insanity (not Fun). Why? Well, TnUI are back to make progressing to the next round really hard. TnUI who finished 2nd to Hockey Canada in Group 9, are here and really to improve on their 4th place in World Cup 24.

Tadjikistan join the fray as the 1st placed team in Group 1. With 1 loss compared to Jeruselem's 3 and TnUI's 4, they look good to repeat a 2nd round appearance. Round that off with 14 wins compared to 10 and 11, well they look the form team.

New Montreal States have run into the Lions den. Fancy being the 58th seed with the 7th, 13th and 23rd? Yes, they did well to make it here. Only 4 losses, but only 7 wins. Good luck, but with the Insancians and Tigers around - you need divine intervention.

Us - We did make the 2nd round of World Cup 24. Those idiots who wrote us off last time better learn the lesson.

The key games are the ones against TnUI and Tadjikistan. We cannot afford losses and must win the game against New Montreal States. If we can get a win against one of the others, that would be 6 points giving us a fighting chance. Two draws and a win are not good at all.

GROUP F
Tadjikistan[13]
Total n Utter Insanity[7]
Jeruselem[23]
New Montreal States[58]

Now, for all you Canucks. Look in Group A

GROUP A
Liverpool England[2]
Lovisa[16]
Fmjphoenix[25]
Hockey Canada[33]

Not as nasty as some, but all those teams aren't exactly wobbly weaklings. All World Cup veterans with something to prove. Firstly, World Cup 24 champions Liverpool England are here. They should make the next round, pending any disasters. Lovisa are the other favourite as Fmjphoenix and Hockey Canada did not make it past the group stage in World Cup 24. However seeing Hockey Canada's effort in Group 9 with TnUI and Eauz as well as Nedalia, we expect a good effort from the Canucks.

Group A- Live, Love or get knocked out?

Group A:
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

Yeah, we know we're the possible bottom-feeder... but that won't stop us from enjoying our first World Cup Finals. The Canucks have finally qualified for the World Cup and are looking to make the best of their excursion. After a miracle first-place finish in group 9, Hockey Canada will be hoping they can keep the miracle alive.

Liverpool England: The defending world champs are expected to go far, but they shouldn't expect to see Hockey canada ahead of them on the scoreboard. Expect them to be on top of the group with 9 easy points.

Lovisa: The Polish Bisons have been slipping of late but won't bow down to a fight. Hockey Canadian karela should prove itself against a power like this if Hockey canada expects to make a name for itself in the World Cup.

Fmjphoenix: Our AO allies have been bitter rivals on the soccer scene. With 2 of the last 3 Under 21 World Cups decided between HC and Fmjphoenix. Look for a few old names from the U21WC playing for Fmjphoenix. Chen and Vogel are looking to be pains in Thomas' side.

Predictions:
Liverpool England
Hockey Canada
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
(We don't know how... we're miracle people)

Group B:
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Here's a group that looks to be tight- except for Spruitland whom Squorn, CS and Five alright Nations will make rabbit stew out of. Squorn should breeze by in this table with Cockbill Street close behind. Five civics Countries should contend with Spruitland for the bottom-feeder spot.

Predictions:
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Group C:
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

This group really doesn't need to unpack their bags in Kaze Progressa- probably the easiest group to predict in the World Cup, Oaker should take this with Vilita in second. Krytenia is a good team and should pulverize the frenchies. Oliverry better find another group... or find a way to get redrawn.

Predictions:
Oaker
Vilita
Krytenia
Oliverry

Group D:
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

Get the plunger... this World Cup is filling up with shit. This group is as predictable as the sun rising tomorrow (which it won't). The "hosts" are gonna take this group with no trouble. The dots should take second place with the primates in third. Casari is young, so we have them last.

Predictions:
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Bipedal Apes
Casari

Group E:
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

Meh- this group is a little different from others but will still feature the same old teams making it through. Crystilakere will put up a good fight but only come up short to Bedistan. Bettia will give a good run at second while Svecia will try and contend with Bettia for 3rd. Bedistan should keep up the streak heading into the quarters.

Predictions:
Bedistan
Crystilakere
Bettia
Svecia

Group F:
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

Here's a tricky group featuring two very good teams and a dark horse. Tadjikistan should take top of the group with no trouble while Jeruselem will give Total n Utter Insanity a run for second. We'll go with Jeruselem winning this batlle however. New Montreal States better not get off their crepes, they won't have the best chance.

Predictions:
Tadjikistan
Jeruselem
Total n Utter Insanity
New Montreal States

Group G:
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

Dance Puppet! DANCE!!! Oh sorry, I was ummm...just commenting on this group. Starblaydia and Turori will be fighting for second place while Druida will casually drink their way to first. Nova Britannicus should be a good fight for Starblaydia but they'll come up short. Turori should just play well and guess what place they'll finish.

Predictions:
Druida
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus

Group H:
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

The group of death, Sarzonia and Rejistania will be murdering each other in their game. Expect our fellow karelans to make the quarter-finals in 1st place. Sarzonia stars will make it but eventually fall. The hosts should give a good run at 2nd place but Eauz will be a thorn in the host's side. Expect Eauz to be the dark horse.

Predictions:
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

Hockey Canadians have been taking some pretty bad press lately and are gonna try to prove the critics wrong. We're gonna bodycheck our way through to the quarters. If we can do that we'll be happy.

MD1: Hockey Canada @ Spaam (1-1 T)
MD2: Total n Utter Insanity @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (0-0 T)
MD3: Hockey Canada @ Eauz (0-2 L)
MD4: Da WhoseLine People @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (0-0 T)
MD5: Hockey Canada @ Adam Island (4-0 W)
MD6: Yafor 2 @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (2-1 W)
MD7: Hockey Canada @ Andossa Se Mitrin Vega (1-0 W)
MD8: Hockey Canada @ RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo (2-0 W)
MD9: Nedalia @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (3-1 W)
MD10: Spaam @ Hockey Canada (Irkutsk) (4-1 W)
MD11: Hockey Canada @ Total n Utter Insanity (3-1 W)
MD12: Eauz @ Hockey Canada (Irkutsk) (3-1 L)
MD13: Hockey Canada @ Da WhoseLine People (2-1 W)
MD14: Adam Island @ Hockey Canada (Anadyr) (3-1 W)
MD15: Hockey Canada @ Yafor 2 (3-1 W)
MD16: Andossa Se Mitrin Vega @ Hockey Canada (Globen Arena-Stadium) (1-0 W)
MD17: RyukyuDaitoKazanNampo @ Hockey Canada (Anadyr) (2-1 W)
MD18: Hockey Canada @ Nedalia (4-0 L)

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

The Big 'E'asy?

As the build-up for World Cup 25 gathers pace, the Enlightener's sports correspondant Gary Broadgreen assesses Bettia's chances...

It sure is a hectic time for Bettian football, and fans are left with a difficult choice... do they make the journey abroad to watch their beloved table-topping Aroras fight for international glory, or do they fight for tickets to watch Bettia 'A' attempt to win AOCAF XI (or at least win... just once... come on guys, that's all we're asking) on home soil?

For those choosing to travel, the Aroras have been handed a tough task (rather predictible considering they're one of the lowest ranked teams in the tournament), with not one but two rather difficult local derbies to contend with.

First up are our northern neighbours Bedistan, who as we all remember scored a rather easy double over the Aroras in qualifying for World Cup 24. Will the Lions make it a hat-trick of wins? Seeing as they're the best-but-one team in the world and are currently on an 18-game winning streak, it looks pretty likely.

Their next game is against Svecia. Of course, all games from now on are tough, but if the Aroras are going to pick up any points here, it should be here. Bettia will be hoping their attacking flair which has served them well against higher-ranked teams will see them through.

And last but not least we have our east-and-over-the-water-then-up-a-bit near-neighbours Crystilakere, who are a strong outfit that the Aroras will be hard-pressed to get anything from. Just getting a point from these guys will be enough for the Bettian faithful.

So there we have it... and if by some fluke Bettia manage to past this group, the winners / runners-up of Group B await the Aroras.

Millions of Bettians are expecting great things from their green-and-gold heroes - but will they deliver?


Group E Fixtures

MD1: ....Bedistan vs Bettia
MD2: ......Bettia vs Svecia
MD3: Crystilakere vs Bettia

The Nedalian Football Association has released this highly important and urgent message which requires immediate attention:

GO JERUSELEM AND BETTIA!

The Big Purple Starblaydi Qualifying Round-Up
Eighteen matches worth of writing extravagance

Part Three

It took until the fourteenth Matchday for Starblaydi legend Itechton Matranga (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Itechton_Matranga) to get his show on the road. After a cat-and-mouse chase (only without the mallets, frying pans and excessive comedy cartoon gore) outside of the penalty area, Itchy robbed the Kerician Left-Back of the ball and siply danced around the 'keeper to slot home. Just a few minutes later Zhorin Tumunzahar sealed it before half time. Job was a good'un.

Starblaydia 2-0 Kericia
(Matranga 38, Tumunzahar 41) - (None)

Starblaydia repeated their 2-1 scoreline at home to Metfield when they visited the place on Matchday 15. This time it was Raphaelo and Alejo Cuevo who bagged the goals, Cuevo's first of the Qualifying Campaign. The next, Matchday, however, saw Starblaydia churn out another abysmal home result.

Metfield 1-2 Starblaydia
(None) - (Raphaelo, Cuevo)

Starblaydia 0-0 Rordia
(None) - (None)

At least we can keep the Karelans happy. 0-0 twice at home, against rubbish opposition. Not quite what was desired from the 4-4-2 formation, as Starblaydia should be destroying these teams regularly. Starblaydia now had an uphill struggle to catch up with Tadjikistan, who by now were on top of Group One and looking to keep that spot.

Dauna Hills-1 Starblaydia
(None) - (Tumunzahar 64)

Zhorin Tumunzahar's thirty-ninth goal of his career sunk Dauna Hills, but Starblaydia and Tadjikistan were level on points at the top of the Group, the Tadjiks on top by virtue of Goal Difference - both a higher number of Goals Scored and fewer conceeded. So it all came down to the final Group Match against Tadjikistan.

Starblaydia 0-1 Tadjikistan
(None) - (Salenko 29)

And, of course, Starblaydia failed to win, failed to draw, and therefore lost, letting Tadjikistan run away with the Group by a clear three points.

GROUP 1 - Final Standings
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Tadjikistan 18 14 3 1 37 11 26 45
2 Starblaydia 18 13 3 2 34 15 19 42
3 Vilita 18 11 3 4 35 17 18 36
4 Dauna Hills 18 8 6 4 22 19 3 30
5 Lethislavania 18 6 5 7 23 25 -2 23
6 Kericia 18 6 4 8 20 34 -14 22
7 Kudlastan 18 4 5 9 14 28 -14 17
8 Metfield 18 3 5 10 18 29 -11 14
9 Da Philelfya Empiya 18 2 4 12 15 26 -11 10
10 Rordia 18 2 4 12 11 25 -14 10

So yes, Starblaydia are going to the World Cup, and one would not think that their rank of 10th in the world would be particularly affected by coming second in this group - having won 42 points from a possible 54.

Starblaydia's 9th attempt in the Finals will see just how far they have really come in the last 40 years.

Fmjphoenix Times
World Cup Preview

With the qualification round done and over, 32 teams are left form 100. With lots of suprises from the qualification, noone knows what will happen during the finals. But those here at the Times think they might have an idea. Here is our take on World Cup 25

Group A:
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

We have Liverpool England again. Does it ever end? We don't know. We hope to end it here with a win. With Lovisa possibly on the end and Hockey Canada making their first attempt, we think it is time for the Vikings to move to the next level.

Prediction: LE, Fmj, HC, Lov

Group B:
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Squornshelous will probably continue their strong play into the next round. Cockbill Street is kinda fleeting lately, but they are still a strong side. But with fodder in Five Civilized Nations, we see Spruitland passing the Streetians and going on with the Psychoes.

Prediction: Sqourn, Spruit, CS, FCN

Group C:
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

Sucks to be Oliverry here. They will probably walk away shut out, but you never know. Vilita is falling a bit from their glory days, but are still strong. We see Oaker finally falling after their magical rise to the finals and despite taking back the Golden Cafetiere, we see the Aces using that as thei 'ace' in the hole.

Prediction: Kry, Vil, Oak, Oli

Group D:
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

This one should be easy as pie. From the draw, it looks almost how we think it will end, despite much quietness from the hosts Audioslavia. Casari and Bipedal Apes will probably need to wait for WC26 when this is said and done.

Prediction: AS, ORD, Cas, BA

Group E:
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

Bedistan's perfect run will look to be continued on, but they will have much stiffer competition this time. Look for them to possibly lose thier first points, but they should still top the group. Bettia should continue their solid play and we see them beating out Crystilakere and Svecia.

Prediction: Bedi, Bettia, Crys, Svec

Group F:
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

TnUI was second to Hockey Canada in the qualifying round, and we dont see them changing position. We see Tadjikistan keeping their solid play and taking the group. Always a threat though, we see Jeruselem barely missing the second round this time. Kudos to New Montreal States on qualifying. Maybe a better group will make thins better next time.

Prediction: Tadj, TnUI, Jer, NMS

Group G:
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

Puppet vs Master again? Starblaydia faces their colony for the second cup in a row. Turori and Druida Also help make this a very interesting group. Its a tough call here, as all teams are solid teams, but we see Druida beating the two colonies in the all AO group.

Prediction: Star, Dru, Tur, NB

Group H:
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

Did someone make a call to hell? Thats how this looks. But perhaps its more clear cut than it looks. Sarzonia and Rejistania both are top10 teams, Eauz has dropped into the 20s, and KP is in the hosting party. About 20 years ago, this would have been major death, but now its just mostly death. We see the evil defense of Rejistania plus the balance of Sarzonia shutting both Eauz and the hosts out of the first round.

Prediction Sarz, Rejis, Eauz, KP

Second Round:
1. Liverpool England vs Total n Utter Insanity
2. Squornshelous vs Bettia
3. Krytenia vs Rejistania
4. Audioslavia vs Druida
5. Bedistan vs Spruitland
6. Tadjikistan vs Fmjphoenix
7. Starblaydia vs One Red Dot
8. Sarzonia vs Vilita

Quarter-Finals
A. Total n Utter Insanity vs Rejistania
B. Squornshelous vs Druida
C. Bedistan vs Staryblaydia
D. Fmjphoenix vs Sarzonia

Semi-Finals
E. Rejistania vs Druida
F. Bedistan vs Sarzonia

3PPO
Rejistania vs Sarzonia

Finals
Druida vs Bedistan

Thats right, you heard it here first. We think that a Druidish upset is in the making. You never know what will happen in this world. But that is the Times take on World Cup 25. Hope you enjoyed it.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Entire nation of apes trapped in suspended animation for a year
Only exception is national footie side

By Ingbaba

Bananaton—Throughout the Republic of Bipedal Apes this morning, citizens awoke to a seemingly normal Spring day. Grooming was performed, breakfasts eaten, and children sent off to school with few aware that anything was amiss. However, those who make a daily habit of tuning in the trans-border news broadcasts quickly learned that it was not, in fact, a perfectly normal Spring day; it was a Spring day exactly one year later than the previous one. In an unexpected turn of events, the RBA today found itself precisely twelve months behind time.

Interestingly, the first reaction of most apes was to panic, which involved running in circles with arms flung above the head, screaming. After a time, the police put a stop to this with the strategic implementation of a great many nets left over from the Plantain Riots of the late sixties. With the populace thus calmed, or if not calmed, at least restrained, an investigation was launched into the causes of the incident.

Not surprisingly, experts at Bipedaleen University quickly learned that Audioslavia was at fault, through its association with Kaze Progressa, whose Ministry of Screwing Around with the Timeline (KPMSAT) recently—or to be more precise, over a year ago—utilized faulty Rejistanian time-dilation technology to revert the draw in the World Cup Twenty-Five qualifying groups. As apes will remember and trans-border humans may have forgotten, it was the Progressan Time-Slip which most recently put Ms. Throckspartle into hospital, where she remains to this day, suffering from intense coma complicated by acute head-ouchie.

BU chronologists are speculating that it was an aftershock of the re-draw that froze the nation in its tracks for a year. Whether there will be further freezes—and whether any lasting damage has been done to the delicate innards of the Bipedaleen citizens—remains to be seen. A lawsuit is also being considered to recover damages for lost commerce from the KPMSAT, as an entire year’s banana crop has rotted on the tree, in the harbor, and indeed pretty much everywhere in this country where the yellow fruit is so prevalent.

Of more immediate interest to many readers will be the odd fact that although the country was not available for comment, the national footie side continued unaffected. At press time, details of the Two-Footers’ campaign are unknown, but trans-border sports reports have indicated that the side qualified for the World Cup finals for the second time, a coup for interim coach Tergorsk, whose exploits as a champion manager in RBA domestic play are well-known, but who had no trans-border experience until a month ago. Or, for those who have not been stuck in a time-warp, until a month and a year ago.

The Two-Footers are now in the Bipedaleen colony of Audioslavia preparing for what should be an interesting first round. Among other opponents will be the host nation, whose side has traditionally been referred to as the “’Slaves,” in deference to the Monopedal Monkeys who were the Audioslavians’ benevolent rulers before the evolution of the Bipedal Apes occurred. This will mark the first time that the ‘Slaves meet the apes on the pitch. The match will be made more interesting by rumors that surfaced four years ago suggesting that the Audioslavians have overthrown their Bipedaleen masters, without our being aware of it. Some have even suggested that the Audioslavian national side now goes by the wretched nickname “Raging Bulls,” a term which describes the tumescent genitalia of a male cow.

The world, or at least, some members of it, will observe this match with understandably extreme curiosity. In the RBA, however, the question of what to do with 170,000 tonnes of year-old banana will be at the fore of most apes’ minds.

Liverpool England widely expected to top group
Fmjphoenix will come in second, say LE experts

While Liverpool England are widely expected to top Group A of World Cup 25, many people remain split on whether Fmjphoenix, Lovisa or Hockey Canada will claim second spot. The experts in Liverpool England seem to have written off Hockey Canada already.

"It's the first attempt. While we have seen teams make it out of their first attempt before, I'm not too sure about Hockey Canada in a relatively difficult group. I do believe they can pip Lovisa for third, maybe, but will fail trying to qualify," was the opinion of former FALE chief and curent team principal of F1 team LivEng Racing, Gareth Dussis. "I do expect a great match between them and us though."

Sir Douglas Freech, currently team manager of the Terminators, seconded that point of view. "Hockey Canada can beat Lovisa to third. I see them taking the three points they need off Lovisa, with us taking the full nine. Fmjphoenix will probably take four, a draw with Lovisa, and Lovisa will take the single point from that draw."

Whether things turn out this way, though, remains to be seen.

Aloha. We move swiftly* on from butchering Edgar Allen Poe to bastardising John Keats. I feel slightly guilty about this because, unlike Po, Keats had an actual ability to write poetry. Poetry that doesn't make you want to excavate your lungs through the pores of your little fingers. Ladies and gentlemen, i give you...

'L'Equpies de Sans Merci'. Keats' original can be found here (http://www.bartleby.com/126/55.html). Sorry about the pidgeon french, its meant to say 'The teams of zero mercy'

*in a very loose sense of the word

O WHAT can ail thee, bi-ped-als,
Scared and apely toileting?
For you're with the 'slaves and One Red Dot
And Cesari.

O what can ail thee, bi-ped-als!
So you're an underdog?
All teams have eleven men,
All clocks faulty cogs.

I see a Spruit in group B
With Streets of Cockbill, Squornshelous
And in thy group five nations civil
Up-kicking fuss.

They'll meet in Machinegardian lands
Play up for fans accross the coasts
The finest men of four great foes
And Spruit's Chico Proovost
,
Trouble's afoot in ol' group F,
A total, utter team so tragic
In perfect worlds TnUI would fall,
To jews, kanucks and Tadjik.

Above them in the group of E,
Bedi, Bettia wouldn't mind a win,
To beat the Crystils and old Svecia
Recrown yourselves the 'Kings'

'The Kings': not words to describe Bladyi
Or Turori, NB or Druids,
And sure, they've never won the cup
But don't feel blue

There comes a time when every team,
We'er a great side or Oliverry,
Can shock the world with wins and bathe
In sweet Victory.

And there is Rejistania's lesson,
And all group H, the former kings!
Rest not, for even newbie birds
Can learn to loudly sing

Such teams occupy Group C,
Veterans Oaker, Oliverry, Kryt
They cry—“L'Equipes de Sans Merci
Nous avons pense Vilita est shite!”

Finally we see the champions
HC and Lovisa, in group A
All the above, you can progress but,
You must beat FMJ!.

So, to all the colours of football,
Trapped 'twixt tunells of apprehension
Though the light seems far away,
.Stay, and pay attention

One of you, from thirty-two
Will win not one, but at least seven
And take the cup from Livenglish hands
And transcend to football heaven.

FIN

hey, if Keats can do soppy, so can i.

"F"-ED IN THE GROUP STAGE

But we've already looked at that, now to contemplate the rest of the group

NEW MONTREAL - After the announcement by the ministry of Morale that AC-DC's "It's A Long Way To The Top" would be the team's official song for the group stage, DJ/lower house member Scythe suggested that Jet's "Cold Hard Bitch" would be a better choice, considering the competition we're gonna be facing.

But we aren't here to whine. We're here to look at how badly everyone else fared, while making references we're sure everyone has done at least ten thousand times. So on with the show.


Group A:
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

If we were Canucks fans, we wouldn't be that happy either. The second round will have to wait 'till the next go-round as the Terminators beef up their claim to being the second great thing to come out of Liverpool.

Prediction: Liverpool England, FMJPheonix, Hockey Canada, Lovisa

Group B:
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Cockbill Street broke out the same year we did, so we likes them. Squornshelous is looking good, but will have to resort to goal differential to best a feisty pack of Rabbits. And the Creek, Seminoles, Cherokee, Choctaw and Chickasaw will end up looking like they ran into the U.S. Cavalry post-Custer.

Prediction: Cockbill Street, Squornshelous, Spruitland, Five Civilized Nations

Group C:
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

Krytenia soars, our fellow Quebecois shock the world, and Oaker and Vilita continue their respective dives.

Prediction: Krytenia, Oliverry, Oaker, Vilita

Group D:
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

All hell can't stop them now.

Prediction: Audioslavia, Bipedal Apes, One Red Dot, Casari

Group E:
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

Bedistan will end up like the Dolphins of '72. Bettia gets to go on. Svecia will suffer for eliminating members of the Holy Orthodox Church, and Crystilakere will just sort of float there.

Prediction: Bedistan, Bettia, Crystilakere, Svecia

Group G:
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

"Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing
Just call my name, `cause I'll hear you scream
Master
Master" - Metallica, Master of Puppets

Prediction: Druida, Stayblaydia, Tuori, Nova Britannicus

Group H:
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

Poor KP. Going to all this trouble to host this tourney, then getting screwed in the draw.

Prediction Sarzonia, Rejistania, Eauz, Kaze Progressa

McPherson's, 2 blocks away from CSA Headquarters

CSA president Wilson Graham was sitting at a table quietly looking at a menu when Coach Hill shoved her way into the crowded restaruant and sat down. "Why do we always have to meet at this place, the food here is awful," the coach said, scowling at the crowd.

"Because I'm your boss, I get to pick." Graham said, not looking up from the menu.

"Yeah, I know. Why are we here anyway? You only come here when you try to reprimand me when I swear in the national press." Hill said, glancing at the menu herself.

"Well, we have a problem."

"We always have problems."

Graham winced slightly. "Well... problems with funding."

Hill stopped and shot a quiet glare across the table. "How bad is it?"

"Well... you know we were a long shot to qualify... and considering we just did all that work on the stadium again, and having to relay the pitch again to improve the drainage..."

"So? We had stadium funds in the budget."

"We did... we just didn't have qualification funds." Graham said as the waitress walked up. "I'll have the FitzRoy, over easy please."

Hill blinked. "We had a brilliant last-matchday qualification... and now there's no money to send us to the actual World Cup?"

"Any suggestions you have would be helpful."

Casaran National Team Calendar 1494 a huge success
Nude Calendar raises over 3 million dollars for CSA

The Casaran National Team, after extended practices in Casari, left for the World Cup today, looking at 3 difficult group matches against WC24Q group opponents One Red Dot, WC25Q Group Rivals Bipedal Apes, and Hosts Audioslavia.

When asked about the team's chances, Coach Hill waved off reporters, saying, "It was hard enough to pay for the plane, I'm not going to get into that right now."

Analysts suspect that based on the CSA's economic reports, the trip to the World Cup is being entirely fueled by sales of the team's new Nude Calendar and it's blockbuster sales, which continue to go up by the day.

Pschychoes Pass Their First Test

Spruitland hangs tough but can't keep pace with Squornshelous
Squornshelous took another step in the direction of the World Cup Final with a 2-1 victory over the Wabbits of Spruitland. The match was a very closely fought effort, with both sides fighting hard for the win, knowing that in this very tight group, every point earned will be crucial. Squornshelous went out and got their first three, and should now be able to clinch a spot in the second round with just one more win. However, in order to be completely sure, the Pschychoes will have to fight hard in both of their remaining matches. Hopefully, the Squornshelous can prove themselves against Cockbill Street. With the two teams currently ranked 9th and 8th respectively, separated by only .48 KPB points. Squornshelous will enter the match as slight underdogs, but shouldn't feel too intimidated, after recording two defeats of Rejistania in qualifying. Likewise, Five Civilized Nations cannot be overlooked as an opponent. Despite being discounted as contenders for this group by virtually every sentient Being who has cared to send out their predictions for this cup, they are a dangerous team. Any side in this group could lose to FCN if they go into that match without being finely focused on winning.

ST: Hejida citizens and foreigners, you are listening to your favorite radio station, Radio RejisCAST. For us in Kaze Progressa at a place, I can not pronounce without appearing like a rejistanian hillie-billie jungledweller is Hana Kansu, the reporter you voted for as favorite reporter for H1SR matches. And that even though she is female. Hejida Hana Kansu!
HK: Hejida, Sirake Tekim!
ST: How is the situation in... well, you know how to say it...
HK: Frizkao?
ST: yes, Veriskau.
HK: The Rejistanian fans are in a cheerful mood, looking forward to an eshscitinh match. They know advancinh i~ls difficult, but they also know, this constellation makes sure there are excellent matches in group stage.
ST: Yeah, it'll be pretty 'excitinh'
HK: Makinh fun of my language?
ST: I still wonder who you slept with to get this job.
HK: You know, popularity is also an ehilan.. err a factor. Not everyone uses your tactis.
ST: You are assuming, I?
HK: Wasn't it you who said most here in RejisCAST are gay?
ST: Gay as in uncool, not gay as in homosexual!
HK: Oh, so Sirake Tekim knows this well about the sexual orientation of RejisCAST workers? I will not start a rumour, dear listeners, this is your tasik.
ST: How nice of you!
HK: It is my tasik to be ni~lce. And for your question: I did not jump into bed with bosses, but all of the male listeners want to and voted for me.
ST: Says something about the average IQ of them!
HK: Ah, come on, the results from your last IQ test were negative!
ST: Nil, this time you assume everyone is like you!
HK: I passed with a result of 129.
ST: I see. Are you sure the 1 was no flyspeck?
HK: I can read!
ST: (in an ironic tone) You are scaring me!
HK: I do my best!
ST: But now, tell us something about the match
HK: We know, match startinh in a few minutes. It seems I Ra~e'he decided for a very attackinh formation.
ST: 6-3-1?
HK: 5-3-2 even. About Eauz we have no disclosed data. None, nilha, nichts!
ST: Why?
HK: Am I the Eauzian kovermen'? I have no clue why they are not disclosinh any information.
ST: Well, what will you do now?
HK: I am callinh the players after famous communists. This way, the listener can identify them.
ST: This is a good idea.
HK: Okay, the Eauzian team decided for an incomprehensible strategic 4-4-2 line-up, they fielded: Robespierre as goalie; Engels, Trotzky, Luxemburg and Gysi as defenders; Castro, Kim, Djugashvili and Ulyanov in midfield and Guevara and Mao as attackers. And I simply define the Eauzian coach beinh Karil Marex
ST: This sounds much like history lessons!
HK: Well, it was not my decision not to disclose names.
ST: I know. Now tell me about the highly attacking rejistanians!
HK: Okay, the goalie is Visnu Kanavan, the karelan, the defenders are Kansu I Kansu, Kiira Isilyi, Nika~o H~saldu, Iasin Sala and Verise Lati. In the midfield, we see Sines Exke and our seleke friend Seneteramanasiri Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu from now on called "SeKa" and Sink~hil "Vaje~ni" Syku. Our forwards are Linux Raju and, well, I think the most inapproriatly named player: Nana Sejil.
ST: Well, he is only a striker...
HK: Someone has to score the goals.
ST: You nearly have sympathy with them...
HK: Strikers are soccer players too.

(3rd minute)
HK: Thired minute, still high tempo, Rejistania in possession of the ball, they are not goinh into their half, they are apparently playinh like takilans, once and always attackinh. This can not end well!
ST: Indeed.

(45th minute)
HK: and the first half ends... now. And it did not end as bad as I eshspected. The shcore is still 0-0, which is a surprise seeinh how much the Orange-Blues played offensively and neglected their defense.
ST: This means you assumed them to score or to concede?
HK: To concede... Eauz had some good chances, Guevara is a dangerous striker. Well, the Orange-Blues also had some chances, but they could make nothinh of them.
ST: Well, both teams were not really karelan and yet the score is, this is strange.

(75th minute)
HK: This match became more karelan from the rejistanian side and more enjoyable for the fans. another attempt by Guevara, but here SeKa intercepts early... psaases forward to Linux Raju, they are trying to counter-attack, forget all what I said about beinh karelan, this becomes a veritable counter-attack. Quick passes between Raju and Sejil, Engels tries to steal the ball from Sejil'he, not successfull, and ... Xxxxxxkkkkoooooorrrrraaaaaaaa! that's the 1:0!

(90+2nd minute)
HK: Okay, the we can already draw our conclsions from the match, which will end, the rejistanians were really attackinh in the firest half but later and especeeally after the 1:0, the game became suprisinhly karelan. The referee has the whistle in his mouth, looks at the clock, he ends the game now. Rejistania won 1:0 over Eauz! Back to the assoceeated studios.


OOC: Hana Kansu has a rather annoying accent which I try to write here. i~l is a long ee with rising tone.

thsd:NEWS
Whole Lotta Nothin' Going On
By Daniel Wheldon in Audioslavia

FALLING asleep in the stands, stands a man. He is clad in sky blue, and he is watching the snoozefest that was Krytenia versus Oliverry. To be fair, sleep was one of the few enjoyable ways of spending this particular set of ninety minutes - as a dull nil-nil draw ensued.

The Aces must raise their game if they are to qualify for the knockout stages. Oaker and Vilita are much tougher than this bunch of amateurs. DVS knows this, and if he doesn't, then he really shouldn't be doing the job...

KRYTENIA - 0

OLIVERRY - 0


MISAly Effort
By Lisa Schiavo in Kaze Progressa

The MISA Bromham Druids, clad in WC24 Druidan kits, were also disappointed as they failed to register a victory in their first Group G match. It could be an early return for this drunken band of loyal adoptive fans, but hey, there's always the AOCL...

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 17
R. Spivey: 12
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON L 0-1

CAFE: N v FMJ W 3-1 (Hyppodrome, Hypocria)

R1: N v OLI D 0-0
R1: N v OAK ?????
R1: N v VIL ?????

Tadjikistan 3 - New Montreal States 1

Pageas -The Tadjiks still remember the Paladins from WC24, where the latter were unable to hold of the Tadjik Tigers. We still remember the High school system that the Montreallers use to get to a team for their matches, a system that did not impress the Tadjiks. Especially goalkeeper Daniel Gurchev was outspoken in his opinion this time 'No team plays enough matches to really get enough experience, they'll always be the underdog like this.'
But not everyone shared this view of the inferior Paladins, or as Coach Bahrom Sadirov said 'Young people, eager to show what they can do. Its always dangerous!'

Indeed, they were spirited, especially in the first half; The Tadjiks had some trouble controlling the match, but in most cases retained just enough control to avoid disasters. Alas, with such young enthusiasm pushing forward, the Tadjiks couldnt guard every inch of the field and one Eric Ledoux beat Gurchev with a shot in the left corner.

The Tadjik Tigers never gave up however, knowing from experience that they can still win. The second half was their half with Salenko in the role of Paladin executioner. Two goals in five minutes decided the match, with a last penalty ending it in the seventy-third minute.

Alot will now depend on the result of Total n Utter Insanity - Jeruselem, a score that is still unknown to the Tigers. If Jeruselem wins, then the Tadjiks can decide TnUI's fate on matchday 2. A TnUI win on the other hand could(will? - ed) bring the clash of the group. The Tigers will offcourse try to win their next one against TnUI at all costs to ensure qualification to the knock out stages. Its a though mission, against a strong side but we are hoping our boys 'll impress everyone and take the lead.

Scores so far:
Tadjikistan - New Montreal States W 3-1
Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity
Tadjikistan - Jeruselem

From the Gray House

Presidential ponderings of the World Cup

You would think the Sarzonian national football team should be pleased with a 1-1 draw against Kaze Progressa in what amounted to an away match. The Stars were facing a team ranked 32nd in the world that hadn't just played 18 grueling matches in an attempt to qualify for the World Cup finals and had just about the entire crowd supporting its efforts.

However, that's not who the Stars (0-1-0, one point, Group H) are. They're a team that trudged off the pitch cursing their luck after forward Brian Wilson fired high on a penalty kick attempt in the 64th minute when he could have given the Stars a 2-0 lead. They were lamenting the red card issued to Kevin Wilson that forced them to play a man short for the last 22 minutes of the match and saw the young sparkplug suspended for the Stars' match against Eauz.

Most important, they were rueing missed opportunities to take a giant step toward qualifying for the knockout stages for the fifth consecutive World Cup and for building momentum heading into matches against 20th ranked Eauz and fifth ranked Rejistania.

"We came here to get three points before we face the Orange-Blues," Coach Barry Owens said. "We've got an uphill battle now."

The Stars have been the world's number one ranked team since their improbable 4-0 win over Oaker in the World Cup XXII finals made them an unlikely champion, but the team seems to be showing some chinks in the armour. Even though Owens has instituted somewhat of a youth movement, or perhaps because of the youth movement, the team isn't getting the results it needs to put teams away when they should be.

Stay tuned. There's room at the top for someone new to take over.

Casari4sport

1-1 Tie against One Red Dot not a horrible result
Any points are good points!

A 1-1 Tie against a team we've played before isn't a horrible result. Any points are good points, after all.

"We have some prior experience playing One Red Dot, and we were able to leverage that, along with some mindblowingly stellar defense, into our first point in the World Cup Proper." Coach Hill said.

Casari also has some experience against the Bipedal Apes of Bipedal Apes. In fact, the only team that Casari doesn't have any experience with in this group is hosts Audioslavia.

"Hey, isn't their name close to that one really horrible band?" Coach Hill said before she was pushed off the stage.

Kaze Progressa were meant to be the whipping boys of the group. But everyone should know by now that anything can happen in the World Cup, and home advantage is always influential.

Few, however, could have seen this coming - Sarzonia, the best team in the world, being held to a 1-1 draw.

The Sarzonians took the lead after just 11 minutes - Brian Wilson, the hat-trick hero of the World Cup 22 final, smashing a 20-yard shot into the bottom-left corner of the goal to leave Arista Hetujuk totally helpless. But the Progressans were forced out of their shell by the goal, and just seven minutes later Dodia Tiakosuv threw life into the crowd by hitting the back frame of the goal from a long-range free kick - some thought he had hit the outside of the post.

Brian Wilson could have doubled the lead just before half-time, but from ten yards out and only Hetujuk to beat he shot inches wide. 1-0 at half-time was a score the partisan crowd weren't unhappy with - the humiliation some feared was not forthcoming yet.

In the 64th minute, it looked like it was. A deflected long ball fell to Kevin Wilson, who beat two defenders before being bought down by a desperate, mistimed challenge from Yortvi Zair inside the penalty area. But Brian Wilson lashed at the penalty, sending it over the bar.

And just four minutes later, Kevin Wilson was sent off for tackling Dodia Tiakosuv from behind. Tiakosuv's free-kick was deflected for a corner, which in turn was headed in at the near post by Nonbi Olog to trigger pandemonium and astonishment in the 120,000-strong Progressair Stadium crowd. The Progressans were level with an extra man on the field.

The last twenty minutes were frenzied, with chances at either end, but fine saves from both goalkeepers and in particular Hetujuk meant the score remained 1-1 at full time. For the home fans, it felt like a victory.

Manager Arista Jarzol agreed with that sentiment. 'This was, in some ways, our final. And we're delighted with a point, it takes some pressure off the next two matches because we know we've exceeded the expectations of our worst critics already. In fact, I think we've exceeded our wildest dreams. Of course, if we get a result against Eauz, we could still qualify going into the last match against Rejistania. And that would be a massive match to say the very, very least.'

Group A:
Liverpool England
Lovisa
Fmjphoenix
Hockey Canada

Our unbiased prediction is Fmj 1st, Lovisa 2nd, HC 3rd and LE 4th.

Group B:
Squornshelous
Cockbill Street
Five Civilized Nations
Spruitland

Our prediction? Who cares.

Group C:
Oaker
Krytenia
Oliverry
Vilita

Another group of nobodies, who drew these groups?

Group D:
Audioslavia
One Red Dot
Casari
Bipedal Apes

Expect ORD to top the group with AS finishing 5th.

Group E:
Crystilakere
Bedistan
Bettia
Svecia

Golden Oldies Svecia will pull off an upset to finish second in the group to Bedistan of all people.

GROUP F
Tadjikistan
Total n Utter Insanity
Jeruselem
New Montreal States

The Insanicians will go 3-0-0 with 2nd place being claimed by NMS.

Group G:
Starblaydia
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Druida

Starblaydia will sneak into the second round after a "victory" over Nova Britannicus that will make Spaamgate look like a kindergarten dispute.

Group H:
Rejistania
Sarzonia
Kaze Progressa
Eauz

We don't really care so long as Sarz gets screwed.

TIGERS WHIP PALADINS YET AGAIN

3-1 win par for the course

KAZE PROGRESSA - Everything's going as predicted, which for the Paladins is not a good thing. Tadjikistan laid down a 3-1 smackdown on the Paladins to open up the qualifiers, with Salenko's hat-trick ending any hopes of a Paladins upset that might have been raised with Eric Ledoux's goal in the first half.

"The team came out too strong early on, and wore themselves out," said Audioslavian import coach William Branstone. "Tadjikistan is a very strong, experienced team, and they had the extra wind in the second half that we just couldn't muster."

Ledoux's goal was a fitting cap for a first half that saw the Paladins go neck and neck with one of the finest sides in the world, swapping attack and counterattack with gusto. Ledoux found the net in the 34th minute after a solid drive by the midfield.

The Paladins came unhinged in the second half, however, as their midfield show signs of fatigue, In a 2-6-2, this spells disaster, and the Paladins quickly went to pieces as Salenko slammed home a pair of goals in a five-minute span (4:53 for anyone with a stopwatch) to bury the momentum. Reserves sent in by Branstone to try and inject some energy quickly commited several key errors, the last of which gave the Tigers a penalty shot and an easy goal to finish off their shellacking of the Paladins.

Results from the TnUI-Jeruselem game are not yet in, and any outcome is possible. The Crusaders are the next opponent faced by the Paladins, and a strong result, if only for the sake of improving our rankings, would be nice.

"We're just playing football right now," said Branstone. "Nobody's expecting us to do anything. We're just going out and playing, and it's a lot of fun. And everyone's coming at us so worried that they have to beat us to get where they want to, and we're just playing some nice, stress-free football and seeing what we can get. From this group, probably not much, but hey, you never know."

Jeruselem Government News

Join the Asylum!

Well, you know it's the World Cup when talk about insanity, more specifically Total n Utter Insanity. Guess who we played first in the Group stage, yep TnUi. And well, guess who won? Yes Insanity rules and TnUI won 2-0,

Tadjikistan predictably beat New Montreal States 3-1, so no shocks in Group F. This means we play New Montreal States and then Tadjikistan. We have to win both games or well, we just go home. At least we make the group stage all the same.

Total n Utter Insanity 2 Jeruselem 0
Tadjikistan 3 New Montreal States 1

Vikings open strong, defeat Lovisa in first round opener

With a new sense of purpose, the Fmjphoenix Vikings looked at the finals for World Cup 25 as a rebirth. It was their chance to start anew and show that they are a force to be reckoned with. The first challenge in their way was Lovisa, and the Vikings passed the test with much ease, downing them 2-0 in the opener to the World Cup Finals.

The match started off perfectly for the Vikings. Playing in Audioslavia for the first time, they felt like they were are home with the number of fans that made the trip out from Fmjpohenix. Mike Nolan made the first move on the Lovisan goalkeeper, powering in a great shot from 20 feet from a perfectly placed pass by Laura Boyd. The duo of those two had provided much during the qualification and did not fail to give here. Not even 10 minutes into the match the Vikings were up 1-0 over the more expierenced Lovisan team. Despite many challenges from the Vikings attack, Lovisa held strong and did not allow another goal in the first half. They were very good with counter-attacking, as they were frequently on the Vikings half of the pitch trying to return a failed shot into the net, but Powell Lamar had brought his A game with him today. Right before the end of the first half he made a great save, tipping a for sure goal from Lovisa. There were many shocked fans out in the stands when he tipped the ball over the net. Many thought that the ball was out of reach for Lamar, but he showed that he still has the skills that made him a highly touted keeper in Fmjphoenix. At 37, there is not a better keeper in Fmjphoenix.

The second half was more quiet at the start, as Lovisa played with a slow approach, keeping the ball on their side for a good 15 minutes. They showed great passing moves and almost made a great goal, but the shot was deflected right to the hands of a Lovisan midfielder, and the threat was subdued. But the Vikings were not done with the scoring. Siieranu Ijanaeil, who was quiet after his second match hattrick showed off some of his talent late in the match, taking the ball three quarters of the pitch himself into the box and chipping a shot over a rushing keeper to give Fmjphoenix a 2 goal cushion over Lovisa. The scoreline would stand to the end, despite a push by Lovisa. Lamar was just on top of everything today, earning another shutout to add to his resume.

The victory assures Fmjphoenix of at least a tie for first in Group A. While the score of LE - HC is still unknown to the Vikings, Coach Wash said his team is not worrying about their score, that they are worrying about facing Hockey Canada in the next matchday.

"Now that we have managed to defeat Lovisa, we have to concentrate on Hockey Canada. I know they are our allies, but we are trying to win a championship. We expect a friendly matchup with them, but we will be going out with everything to win it. If we win, we are through to the next round. It is as simple as that. Our fate is in our own hands. Its our time to do it and show that we are a elite team in the world.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Lovisa: 0
Nolan 9, Ijanaeil 84 - None

Bekkside Scorcher!
Starblaydia blast 4 past Rainbows

Starblaydia met Druida for the first time in twelve years - all the way back to the Semi-Final of AOCAF8, in Druida itself - in Kaze Progressa, but despite a new generation playing, Starblaydia won by the same margin.

It's been a long time, by any stretch of the imagination, since these two sides have played a game of football but there were still a few Starblaydis in the side who played in that fateful game all those years ago. That team, of course, went on to win AOCAF8, and included current veterans Angelos Prokopsis, Itechton Matranga and Alex Vidal - all three being part of this Starblaydi squad.

Prokopsis kept a clean sheet 12 years ago as Starblaydia won 3-0. This time Druida went one better as Rainbow Captain Ricky Mallon fired past the Starblaydi after half an hour. The travelling band of Krytenian supporters attached to the Druidan squad cheered that immensely, what with Mallon playing for the Everton City Reds, and also scoring against the 'Men in Mauve', of course.

One might have thought that Mallon's goal would have brought Druida back into the match, having been 2-0 down previously. Unfortunately, Starlaydia stepped up their game and restored a two-goal lead before half time. Earlier, Surachai ('from the half-way line') Buathiang gave Starblaydia the lead with his third goal in World Cup Finals, drilling the ball low and off the inside of the post from around twelve yards. Sura has now scored a goal in each of the last three Finals, netting against Lethislavania in WC23, Nedalia in WC24 and now Druida in WC25.

Starblaydia made it 2-0 as Zhorin Tumunzahar netted his 40th goal for his country, totalling 6 in World Cups. Now just four behind Simeone Di Bradini's national record, Zhorin's goalscorer's instincts saw him pounce on a loose ball in the penalty area which he immediately put into the net.

Young starlet Menecrates made it 3-1 as he dribbled brilliantly past both Druidan defenders after a break by Cherry Garcia had left the midfield for dead. A quick one-two with Raphaelo and Menecrates was through, curling the ball sweetly past Edwards in the Druidan net.

With the second half fast disappearing, the Druidan fans began to chant:

"One Trevor Bent, there's only one Trevor Bent!"

The long-time stalwart of Starblaydia's Vecchio Victors club was duely brought on and nearly scored, prompting the Starblaydi fans to chant:

"Eff-off! Eff-off! Eff-off!"

Whether this was a form of self-censorship for the kiddiwinky Progressans in the stadium, or a reference to Bent's Number 'F' on the back of his shirt is not known, but Druida's passion for a seven-man midfield with letters on their shirts instead of numbers caused confusion for fans and commentators alike throughout the game.

Finally, Itechton Matranga scored a goal that surely must make the Matranga Family the greatest Football Dynasty in the world, as there has not been a World Cup Finals without a Matranga scoring since World Cup 18. Whether it's Nick or his brother Itechton, sons of the great Aiden, you won't see a World Cup go by without their name on the scoresheet somewhere. His goal also shut the Kryties right up, as their version of 'the Itchy Matranga show' was soon drowned out by jubilant Starblaydis.

With Nova Britannicus falling 3-0 to Turori, the AO 'Supergroup' sees Starblaydia on top - just like in AO, as a matter of fact, where Starblaydia are the defending Champions. All appears to be right and just in the world. Except that Liverpool England are the current Champions, of course, though that will change shortly.

Starblaydia 4 - 1 Druida
(Buathiang 16, Tumunzahar 26, Menecrates 39, Matranga 72) - (Mallon 34)

Nation P W D L F A GD Pts
Starblaydia 1 1 0 0 4 1 +3 3
Turori 1 1 0 0 3 0 +3 3
---------------- - - - - - - -- -
Druida 1 0 0 1 1 4 -3 0
Nova Britannicus 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 0

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

A Proud Tradition Continued

Bettia 1 (Hutton 46)
Bedistan 1 (Orr 32)

Bettia... opening match... draw. More often than not, these three words can be found together, and for a very good reason as the Aroras seem to regard drawing their opening matches as something of a religious duty. This usually heralds a feeling a slight disappointment. But against an opponent of Bedistan's calibre...

You'd be forgiven for thinking Bettia were on a hiding to nothing going into this match here in Farela, KP. Sure, our boys were coming into this competition on the back of a 21-game unbeaten run, but the Lions were riding high after an 18-game winning streak, netting an incredible 60 times in qulifying whilst conceding just eight in reply.

The Aroras started tentatively, choosing not to pour forward as they have been doing in qualifying, but rather just feeling their opponents out (not literally). The Lions started off in much more confident fashion, with Tara Stall putting English through in the sixth minute, only to see the Floral FC striker shoot tamely into the arms of DiTorino.

Bettia's first half chance came on twenty-two minutes, after a probing run down the wing by Jason Abdullah resulted in a corner. Evan Brooks swung the ball into a crowded area, with central-defender Gareth Coates rising above the rest to power a header towards the goal. That was the intention anyway - unfortunately, the ball flew a few inches over the bar.

Bedistan continued pressing and their dominance was rewarded ten minutes later as Michael Porter jinked his way past two defenders before firing in a low shot. An unlucky deflection off Jon McKinnon saw the ball land at the feet of Tony Orr, who had no hesitation in blasting it home from ten yards.

Bettia went into the half-time break one goal down, but not looking dejected. Although Bedistan had shaded the half, the lads in green-and-gold had given a good account of themselves and they emerged from their team-talk all fired up. The speedy Judson York nicked the ball off a hesitant Moon from the kickoff and made a forceful run towards the area. Forced wide by Gina Zamboni, he cut the ball back to Chris Hutton who sidefooted home to send the tens of thousands of Bettian, Nedalian and Hypocrian fans who had traveled to the Archway Stadium into raptures.

This early strike bolstered the Aroras' confidence and they repeatedly attacked the Bedistan goal, denied only by a fine display form Tom Pratt. Hutton went close on the hour mark firing in a shot that Pratt could only parry into the path of the onrushing Latif Hunter, but Pratt recovered well to tip the ball wide.

Despite the balance of play shifting in Bettia's favour, it was Bedistan who had the best chance to win the game albeit against the run of play. A long ball from Gunn found Orr in space in the area, only to be fouled by a rash challenge from Coates who was lucky to escape with a booking. Orr stepped up to take the spot-kick, but his weak attempt was easily snaffled by the agile DiTorino in the Bettian goal to ensure that the match ended honours even.

In Group E's other match, Crystilakere find themselves on top after a 3-2 win over Bettia's next opponents Svecia. This looks set to be an entertaining affair, with both team favouring a positive attacking philosophy.

Elsewhere, two of Bettia's neighbours had mixed results in Group B. Spruitland lost 2-1 against a tough-looking Squornshelous, whilst Cockbill Street scored a comfortable victory over Five Civilised Nations, coming away with a 2-0 win.


Fixtures / Results

MD1: ....Bedistan 1-1 Bettia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD2: ......Bettia vs. Svecia
MD3: Crystilakere vs. Bettia

(OOC: A bit late, thanks to the slani IRLians and their “Thanksgiving”… :P )

The Aeropag Tribune—Donate to CHEAT’s 유포 (Yu-po) Reconstruction Fund!

Business: Riots erupt as Capitalizts fail to qualify for World Cup
유포, 소코 (YU-PO, SK)—When the whistle blew on the Commerce Heights Capitalizts’ 1–3 loss to Bipedal Apes, knocking them out of the World Cup finals for the first time, most people left Capitalizm quietly. Unfortunately, a large number of people engaged in Druidan-like behavior, destroying property as a result of the loss. They smashed many of Capitalizm’s 161 803 seats, and continued their path of destruction into the streets of 유포 (Yu-po), setting fires that destroyed a number of office buildings. Though CHEAT has announced that it intends to take every step necessary to bring the vandals to justice, they have also asked for help from others to rebuild the city. “When we find and deal with these criminals, we’ll get all the money that we need to rebuild everything the way it was,” said CHEAT’s CEO, Tobe Stepp. “But we don’t want to build things like they were. We want to leave this place better than it was, to make something positive out of such a negative action.” Reports estimate that the fund set up by CHEAT has received over XAU 50 000 in donations, though no official number has been released.

Hockey Canada drops Game One to Champs

Kaze Progressa has gotten a little chill lately. When the Hockey Canadians came to Kaze Progressa, their hotel rooms seemed to get a little cold, a strange north wind blew on the field, and a few players were reported to be making snowmen on the field. New players? Who knows.

The Canucks played a good, cold game but came up short when they played Liverpool England. A few players on the Hockey Canadian squad took the "L" off "Liverpool" before the game to cause a few laughs in the stands. The Canucks came out hard but could only manage one goal in the effort. Liverpool England applied great pressure on Kyle Thomas and he played great in the losing cause.

Liverpool England got the game started in the 20th minute when a Liverpool Englander penetrated the defence like a knife through merangue. A quick move on Petr Srylanko saw the striker move in alone on Thomas. Thomas played the striker and took him down but not enough to keep the ball out of the net giving Liverpool England a 1-0 lead.

The Canucks played a much more physical game after that slamming into random Liverpool England players at will. Whoever had the ball was either stripped of the ball or taken down. The referee was calling next to nothing in the game. Quite a few players on the Liverpool England side looked slightly injured but not enough to take them out of the game. The Hockey Canadian tactic of hurting other players to 'soften' them up was working.

The Canucks did get the scoring going for them in the 69th minute when Rahul Kulkarni caught the Liverpool England defence off guard and ran in on the Liverpool England goal. Kulkarni faked a shot to bring the Liverpool England keeper down before blasting a well-placed shot into the back of the net to even the score at 1-1 with the champions.

The Hockey Canadian effort wasn't enough when an unexpected call was made when Yanic Perrault hauled down a Liverpool England striker in the box. A quick penalty shot was taken as it beat Thomas to the left side. The game ended 2-1 in favour of the champs Liverpool England.

Now the Canucks are off to play Fmjphoenix. Can we beat our allies? Or beat the evil takilans. We're brining karelan Margaret to this game.

SFF chairman Michael Ford: "So why are we here?"

Schiavonia team manager Rodney Lowe: "To see how the best teams play."

Ford: "But Starblaydia and Druida?"

Lowe: "Well we're considering what the most important part of a team is. Today we're testing the theory that it is the midfield."

Ford: "But why did we have to go all the way to the World Cup Finals to see it. We do have television in Schiavonia."

Lowe: "Becuase you can see the whole thing from here, not just the bits the director chooses."

Ford: "Isn't it all a bit quiet for a World Cup game?"

*At this point, they come across a Progressan Official walking around the stadium.*

Lowe: "Excuse me, could you tell me when the match kicks off?"

Progressan: "About four hours ago. It's finished now."

Lowe: "Oh. How did it finish?"

Progressan: "Starblaydia 4 Druida 1."

Lowe: "Oh. OK."

*And with that, Lowe turns to a piece of paper he has on a clipboard. On it, he has a list, at the top of which is the word "MIDFIELD". He draws a line through it, crossing it out.*

Lowe: "Right then. Next up, Rejistania v Sarzonia. We're going to test out defence!"

Stars fail to make their point

Sarzonia's second match in the groups stage of World Cup XXV was against a team the Stars have never defeated, and have only one 2-2 draw to blemish Rejistania's mark of domination. The Stars ended their match against the Orange-Blues still searching for that elusive first win of the World Cup and against the team they call the Evil Empire.

Coach Barry Owens decided to do something radical against the Orange-Blues in an attempt to break the winless streak: He made no major changes to his starting 11 or its usual offensive or defensive systems. Previously, current Hypocria Coach Dave Wilson tried more attacking and more defensive-oriented lineups and systems, but Owens chose to "dance with who brung us.

"We didn't get the result we were looking for, but we played Sarzonia football," he said. "We decided not to get caught up in the whole mystique of Orange-Blues football. We just decided we were going to dictate the tempo of the game and we did that."

To wit, Sarzonia outshot Rejistania 21-9 with a 8-2 advantage in shots on goal, won the possession battle 54 minutes to 36, and had nine corner kicks to the Orange-Blues' three. But the Stars failed to score a goal in spite of their domination of System Karela and despite goalkeeper Horace Sandt's command of the penalty area.

"Hor didn't allow anything in there," defender Trevor Crenshaw said. "That was the Horace Sandt of old out there." Sandt and the Stars have allowed nine goals in 20 matches, not as dominating as they were in the past, but Owens preached continuing with the balanced style of play they've had throughout.

"We're going to have a must-win against Eauz and we're probably going to need help," Sandt said. "We had our chances against Kaze Progressa and we're going to have to play a whole hell of a lot better or we're going home."

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Late Strike Breaks Bettian Hearts

Bettia 0
Svecia 1 (Köller 90)

The Aroras' proud 22-game unbeaten run was brought to an end after a Köller strike at the death brought this tight match to a thrilling end.

Buoyed by their battling draw against Bedistan and the news that their 2nd XI had opened AOCAF XI with a win against their Bedistani counterparts, spirits were high in the Aroras camp as they prepared for this battle of the Takilans. Manager Laxhu Takil named an unchanged starting eleven.

Bettia found the early going tough as Svecia's five-man midfield threatened to boss the game. Ljungberg and Van Der Himmel in particular made excellent starts. As a result, Bettia concentrated more on wing play and long balls in order to bypass this threat, which worked to some degree.

Being contested by two evenly matched teams, the first half had little in the way of goalscoring opportunities as both sides cancelled each other out. Joaquin Torres saw his 25th minute shot go narrowly wide, whilst some neat interplay between Hunter and Hutton put Judson York through on goal, only to see his shot saved well by Prika.

The second half started off in much the same fashion, although the game to open up a bit halfway through as Bettia finally got round to upping the tempo of play. In the 77th minute, Latif Hunter saw a superb curling shot go agonisingly wide, just an inch the wrong side of the post. Chris Hutton had an excellent opportunity just a few minutes later, his trademark tenacity seeing him force the ball off Mattson being shooting tamely into the keeper's arms.

The killer blow came one minute into injury time, as Svecia won a corner. Van De Himmel swung the ball into the crowded penalty area, and Kurt Köller managed to rise above the outstrecthed hand of Roberto DiTorino to head the ball into the net, despite the best efforts of Tyrno'r to clear the ball off the goalline.

This result leaves Bettia needing to pull off a miracle against a strong Crystilakere side. Can our green-and-gold heroes do it? COME ON YOU 'RORAS!


Fixtures / Results

MD1: ....Bedistan 1-1 Bettia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD2: ......Bettia 0-1 Svecia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD3: Crystilakere vs. Bettia

The Daily Druid

GOING OUT...
Eric Tree reports

Two games into their World Cup 24 campaign, and Druida look to be heading out of hte tournament but for a miracle on matchday three.

System Hisisim has failed against Starblaydia and wasn't much cop against Nova Britannicus, either. A depressing 4-1 defeat against the mauvesters meant that it would be an uphill struggle from here on in, and a one-all draw against the wannabe mauvesters leaves them three points off the mauvesters and the piddly little islanders and are only above the team who bought the wrong coloured fabric dye on goals scored.

To get through to the next stage, the rainbows must beat the piddly little islanders by a margin of three goals or more, while the colourblind mauvebirds win by less than three or, even better, don't win at all. Otherwise, it all gets even more complicated.

Not that the mighty midfielders will overcome the piddly little islanders by three clear goals. Typical Druidan luck would say we'd win 3-1, conceding after a last minute penalty. But then, even that seems a bit hopeful right now.

The beginning of the end

The talent was there and the Tigers played a nice game, but it wasnt enough to do the trick. The Insanicians were just that little bit better, resulting in a dissapointing 0-1 loss with Pliiev, Szarmach and Salenko in the role of good but unlucky strikers.

And this is what the fans called,'The beginning of the end'. None of them expect TnUI to lose at the hands of New Montreal States so the only place the Tadjiks can now take is second(their chances for first place are slim). Which leads them right into the arms of the winners of Group A, most likely Liverpool England. And in that case, the Tadjiks know they will not survive the 2nd round.

But for now, noone panicked and the Tadjiks look forward to the next match against Jeruselem. Possibly third in our group with a victory over the Paladins from New Montreal States, the score of this encounter has not yet been released. The Tigers have no other choice now but to go for the full three points on the last day. It is the only way to avoid an early exit and dissapointing World Cup.

Scores so far:
Tadjikistan - New Montreal States W 3-1
Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity L 0-1
Tadjikistan - Jeruselem

Hatime's* first challenge

Hatime coached very important matches against not very challenging teams and not very important matches against challenging teams. This match was a "6 point match" against the former finalist and Hatime I Ra~e surely did not take it lightly. Again he quite obviously relied on the defensive Hexatux 2. The formation of the Orange-Blues was a 6-3-1, in which midfielder SeKa interpreted hiis role defensively. The Stars played as takilan as always and again could not defeat the Orange-Blues. The Stars had more chances but quality is something different than quantity and it was at 2 times only much bad luck that the Orange-Blues did not take the lead. The Rejistanian defense dealt with the chances of the Stars approriately, which unfortunately means that defender Iasin Sala will miss out on the next match due to his second yellow card. "Sanja'slani" was his comment.

The next match against Kaze Progressa will bring back memories of a certain world Cup final, but since the Progressan soccer had its problems due to the civil war. The national team of World Cup 18 can not be compared to the national team of World Cup 25.

Rejistania 0 - Sarzonia 0


* for all non-rejistanian readers, the name is pronounced Hah-Tee-meh, it has nothing to do with time.

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Twenty

NORTENAI, Kaze Progressa -- Twenty. That is the length, in games, of Bedistan's current undefeated streak. It's not a winning streak anymore, as Bettia's Chris Hutton took care of that on Matchday 1, scoring an early second-half equalizer to draw 1-1 with the Lions. But Bedistan's second group stage match against Crystilakere went a bit better. Once again, Tony Orr scored the only goal of the game for the Lions, but the Crystils couldn't break through the Bedistani defense to retaliate, and the green and blue notched a simple 1-0 victory.

Svecia rebounded from their opening loss to Crystilakere to defeat Bettia by the same 1-0 score, which actually puts the Lions surprisingly at the top of the group.

GROUP E
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Bedistan 2 1 1 0 2 1 1 4
2 Crystilakere 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3
------------------------------------------------------------
3 Svecia 2 1 0 1 3 3 0 3
4 Bettia 2 0 1 1 1 2 -1 1

* Crystilakere defeated Svecia 3-2 and is therefore ahead on
head-to-head results.

So it's pretty simple for the Lions on matchday 3: don't lose. A draw or win clinches a top-two slot. In the case of a loss, Svecia goes through no matter what, but Bedistan's fate would depend on the other match. A Crystilakere win would knock us out, no questions asked. If Bettia win instead, it would come down to goal difference. In the event of both margins of victory being one goal, that would be the same and it would be a matter of goals scored, where Bettia would most likely triumph. If Crystilakere and Bettia draw, Bettia are out and it comes down to goals scored compared to Crystilakere (assuming we only lose by one); again Crystilakere would likely end up on top.

But don't make us deal with all those mental gymnastics. Just don't lose. And if you do lose, for heaven's sake make sure it's only by one goal so that you still have some chance of going through.

Inseparable (execpt by GF or GA)!
Rainbows and Bluebirds Require Snookers

With one game to go, Starblaydia will play Nova Britannicus and Turori will play Druida. Both the Rainbows and the Bluebirds have a heft amount of ground to catch up, but at the moment the odds are not insurmountable. Merely seemingly insurmountable. Both the Druidans and Britannicans need to overcome a total of +6 Goal Difference before they can even think of making it to the next round.

Nation P W D L F A GD Pts
Starblaydia 2 1 1 0 5 2 +3 4
Turori 2 1 1 0 4 1 +3 4
---------------- - - - - - - -- -
Druida 2 0 1 1 2 4 -3 1
Nova Britannicus 2 0 1 1 1 4 -3 1

This means that for either of the two bottom teams to have the merest chance of Qualifying, they have to win first. Nova Britannicus, remember, have a history of upsetting Starblaydia in the Group Stage, most notably at World Cup 24 where the Britannicans advanced ahead of their Starblaydi counterparts.

The result between Druida and Turori, of course, could go either way - or even a draw. So, barring three/four goal wins for the lower-ranked teams, Turori and Starblaydia should, that's should be going through. 'Shoulds' have no place in Football, however, particularly Starblaydi football. Improbable things happen all the time to the men, women and dwarven footballers in that particular shade of purple.

As for the match itself, Turori got off to a flyer as Jhanna City winger Martiia Rawaii stole in at the back post after 8 minutes to slide the ball past Angelos Prokopsis' inside post. For shame, beaten at the near post, by a girl! Starblaydia soon hit back, however, as Iskara Daii forward Raphaelo bagged his fifth goal of the campaign, and the first for the young Striker in a World Cup: May there be many more.

Should Starblaydia avoid a heavy defeat to Nova Britannicus on Matchday Three, then the Second Round will once more be theirs. Let's hope for Casari, shall we?

Starblaydia 1 - 1 Turori
(Raphaelo 16) - (Rawaii 8)

PALADINS SCORE SMASHING UPSET

Crusaders fail to overcome steadfast Orthodox pressure, fall 4-1

KAZE PROGRESSA - The Paladins delivered three more points (and probably 4 more goals) than anyone was expected, upsetting second-round contenders Jeruselem 4-1. The loss kept what slim hope the Paladins every had for moving on alive, while making the Crusaders life much tougher.

Andre Lieuvain opened the scoring in the 20th minute, when a gap opened in the Jeruselem defense after their back stumbled and fell. Lieuvain then threw in to Arnold Becker, who delivered a spectacular one-timer off the bottom of the crossbar for a 2-0 lead going into the lockers.

Coming out of the half, the Crusaders began looking like the world-class side they are, and pressed ths attack mercilessly. A goal in the 61st minute just made them hungier, and when Lucien Valdemont took down a forward just a bit too roughly, Jeruselem looked set to tie things up.

"That's when we decided that we weren't going back to Sherbrooke with our tails between our legs," said keeper and team captain Ives Lagrange. He made the save, and the Paladins lauched a furious counterattack. Midfielder Denis "Bagelman" St-Viateur struck home in the 70th minute. At 80 minutes, coach William Branstone began putting in subs on offense, and freshman Todd Johnson broke loose in the 85th minute for a wide-open tap-in.

"Sweet," was all Johnson had to offer. William Branstone was just as ebullent: "We proved that we belong here. We might not be the old Paladins of yore, but hey, we're just playing football and hoping for the best. TnUI's up next, and we're going to play some Paladins football, and see if it works any better than it did last time."

And, yes, we're going to take the obligatory look at how the group might end up:

TnUI will advance on a win or draw. For that matter, it'd take massive victories by both the Paladins and the Tadjikistan Tigers to keep them out.

Speaking of the Tigers, a win would pretty much guarentee them a spot. A TnUI win would do the same, unless the Crusaders put a spectacular whipping on them. A draw and a TnUI draw would give them the spot on head-to-head, but not GD.

Even Jeruselem isn't out of it. They'd need a huge win, though, and a TnUI win. The latter is pretty likely, though, so all is not lost for them.

(OOC: Hosts and others, do forgive me for making this totally OOC post, but I'm unable to jump straight to the last page and am typing this reply from the first page. I don't know what's wrong with this thread, and hopefully it solves itself.)

Casari4sport

We can barely manage to see the screen
Celebrations after BA win last long into the night and record taxi use

That's right, we managed to win a match in the group stage. Yesterday's 2-1 win over Bipedal Apes sent many fans to bars across Audioslavia for whatever alcoholic beverage could be found in the entire country.

"Itsha grat day whean a tem lik urs cn mak et thise fahr." A fan said to our reporter before passing out in the gutter and being dragged away by a few of his friends.

Just looking at the tables can show the weight of this entire situation.

P W D L F A GD Pts
D
Audioslavia 2 2 0 0 6 2 +4 6 Q
Casari 2 1 1 0 3 2 +1 4
One Red Dot 2 0 1 1 2 4 -2 1
Bipedal Apes 1 0 0 2 2 5 -3 0 E

A win tomorrow against already-qualified group leaders Audioslavia will result not only in Casari moving on to the next stage, but Qualifying on top of the group. A tie will secure Casari's spot as well, but the most likely result is a Casaran Loss, which brings up a host of new situations.

If Casari loses, their qualification will hang on the result of the Bipedal Apes-One Red Dot match. If Bipedal Apes wins or there is a Tie, Casari will qualify no matter what the score is. But if One Red Dot wins, their margin of victory and Casari's margin of defeat will have to be greater than 3 goals. If less than 3, Casari will Qualify. If it is three, One Red Dot will have to score 3 more goals than Casari does in tomorrow's matches to pass on Goals For.

That makes for a particularly complicated setup for tomorrow's match. Which, of course, can be easily avoided with a tie.

"We're going to give more effort than we have in any game to date." Goalkeeper Salvidore Rooney said to the press. "And with any luck, we'll make it through."

Pschychoes Looking Good After Two

In the midst of a bizzarre communications failure, Squornshelous and Cockbill Street fight to a standstill
A strange series of coincidental failures in technology meant that all communications out of Audioslavia was abruptly cut off. Although they didn't know it, the Squornshelan players on the field against Cockbill Street were even further from home than they felt, as the millions of fans back in Squornshelous were unable to watch the match. While this may not seem like much, in a nation where the home crowd is more than happy to cheer against the Pschychoes, every fan counts. The match itself was a gritty, physical affair featuring quite a few fouls and a handful of bookings, with the highlight of that being when Gunnar Thorsen was sent off with his second yellow card in the 76th minute. Both of the match's goals came on early lapses by the defense, with Cockbill Street openeing things up in the 15th, and Squornshelous coming right back to tie it in the 18th. After both teams settled into a defensive rhythm, little troubled either keeper, and the ball became bogged down in midfield for much of the match.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 1-1 Cockbill Street

Next matchday, the Pschychoes will play their final match of the group stage against Five Civilized Nations. Hopefully, Squornshelous can pull off a win or at least a draw here to ensure their spot in the second round. It shouldn't be too much trouble, but we certainly don't want to look past this match and slip up.

Jeruselem Government News

Time for prayer!

The World Cup is about skill and luck. Sometimes you need a bit of both and sometimes you needs lots of one. New Montreal States defeated Jeruselem 4-1 in it's 2nd group stage game, which didn't help at all. While TnUI did help with a 1-0 win over Tadjikistan and at the same securing it's spot in the 2nd round.

Jeruselem played it's worst game in World Cup 25 today. The Paladins were they to play while the Crusaders weren't in the game. We basically need to win the game against Tadjikistan, like 10-0. This is not going to happen.

TnUI play the Paladins and should win. Saying that, they can beat TnUI and if Tadjikistan beat us which is well likely too - then down to goal difference. We can get there except we need TnUI to win 10-0 too.

In summary, New Montreal States and Tadjikistan can make the next round. We can help New Montreal States by winning if they don't lose. If they lose, well can perform a miracle. WE MUST BEAT Tadjikistan ... full stop.

Maitland Returns to Britannicus
Injury Forces Key Midfielder Out Of World Cup

After coming off the pitch in the matcha against Druida in obvious pain, Henry Maitland will not be participating against Starblaydia in the final Group G game in Kaze Progressa. This is a serious setback for the Honsfield Athletic midfielder, 31, actually the youngest member of the Bluebird squad for this tournament.

Maitland was stretchered off after being clattered by three of Druida's midfielders in quick succession. First he had to ride a rough tackle by Gareth Yr Dinistrydd, before being sandwiched high and low by Trefor Felics and Glynn Davies. The combination of those tackles injured ligaments in Maitland's left knee, meaning that his World Cup - and perhaps even the start of Liga Starblaydia Season 8 - is over.

A plane carrying the injured player arrived in his home town of Montepool this morning, and Henry himself is said to be 'gutted' at the injury, though doesn't blame the Druidans.

"When you pack the midfield like that it's always going to be cluttered, even when we only have two or three guys in there. It was just bad luck, really, I've been injured worse before. Hell, I might even be the oldest Britannican player at the next World Cup!"

Nova Britannicus, however, will most likely be without their midfield maestro for just one match, as the race for Qualification gives Starblaydia and Turori a three-point and six-goal head start. 'Home in 90 minutes, we'll come home in 90 minutes...'

Must-win match for the Stars

It all comes down to this.

With Sarzonia's first two matches of the World Cup XXV finals groups stage ending in draws, the other results around Group H in Kaze Progressa have put Sarzonia into a must-win situation as the Stars face Eauz.

Rejistania lead the group with four points courtesy of their 1-0 win over Eauz and a nil-nil draw against Sarzonia, while Eauz's 4-1 romp over Kaze Progressa give them three points and favourable position to advance to the knockout stages. Sarzonia have two points and a win combined with a loss by Rejistania would give the Stars the group title. A draw by Rejistania and a win by two goals or more would also give the Stars the group. However, if the Stars play to a draw or lose, they're done.

"We've got only one alternative, and that is to give it all we've got," Coach Barry Owens said. The Stars (0-2-0, two points) will welcome back forward Kevin Wilson, who sat out the Orange-Blues match due to a red card in the first game against Kaze Progressa. Owens said the team will use the usual starting 11.

"We're going to let 'er rip," midfielder Jenna Raven said. "We need to play to get the full three points. We didn't take care of business in either of the first two matches, so we've got our backs to the wall. Now we've got to come out like a caged animal."

The Stars knew going in that the group would be "brutal," according to defender and team captain Trevor Crenshaw. The group popularly known as the "Group of Death," has lived up to the billing. Only Eauz's victory over Kaze Progressa has belied the expected status as the toughest of the four groups. The other three matches have been decided by one goal (Rejistania's 1-0 win over Eauz) or none (Sarzonia's draws).

"We know what we've got to do. It's going to be up to us to do it," Kevin Wilson said.

Lowe: "Right, here we are, then. Sarzonia v Rejistania."

Ford: "We'd better not be late again!"

Lowe: "Of course we won't be! I put fifteen alarm clocks on so that we knew the right time to go."

Ford: "Well, OK. But the ground seems a bit empty for a game that's due to start soon."

Lowe: "No, we're just very early. Always best to be organised."

Ford: "You sure?"

Lowe: "Of course! Look at the scoreboard! Sarzonia 0 Rejistania 0, 90:00. See, still ninety minutes to go."

Ford: "OK."

*At this point, the floodlights on the ground are turned out.*

Ford: "You sure that doesn't mean ninety minutes played?"

Lowe: "Well, uh..."

*He looks down to his list. Below where he crossed out "midfield" after the Starblaydia v Druida game, read the word "defence". He crossed that out, too.*

Ford: "So who are we going to miss next?"

Lowe: "We're not going to miss anyone! We're going to see a game! Liverpool England v Fmjphoenix, to be precise."

thsd:NEWS
Tree-mendous
By Daniel Wheldon in Audioslavia

AFTER Matchday One's snoozefest, came the retribution. Oaker were uprooted and eliminated by a rampant Aces side, the two-nil scoreline reflecting the wayward finishing in the second half rather than Oaker's defensive capabilities.

Quite simply, though the squad was similar, mentally this just wasn't the same Sharks side that contributed to that famous seven goal thriller. The forwards looked rooted to the spot, and their defence was more holy than The Archregimancy's famous monks. With holes, that is.

Kennedy and Spivey struck once apiece in the first ten minutes, then spent the next eighty trying the spectacular in more and more audacious ways, Spivey even attempting a "Scorpion" kick late in the match. It all means that the Aces need only a point against Vilita to go through. Of course, if Oaker win against Oliverry, then both sides progress. We here at thsd:NEWS are hoping for Vilita to go out, but that's maybe because we're in Audioslavia right now...

KRYTENIA - 2
Kennedy 4
Spivey 9
OAKER - 0


Losing Face
By Lisa Schiavo in Kaze Progressa

With Druida and Mercia Bromham both looking rather dead in the water right now, the MISA people look to be on a real loser. But either they believe in miracles or they're just that drunk, because they're just as boisterous and vociferous as ever. Our money's on option number two...

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 18 (1 in finals)
R. Spivey: 13 (1 in finals)
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON L 0-1

CAFE: N v FMJ W 3-1 (Hyppodrome, Hypocria)

R1: N v OLI D 0-0
R1: N v OAK W 2-0
R1: N v VIL ?????

Nolan sends Vikings into qualification for first time

If there is anyone to thank for the Vikings making their way into the second round of WC25, its Mike Nolan. Again Nolan took it on his shoulders and power his team forward, scoring two second half goals to charge Fmjphoenix over Hockey Canada and with Liverpool England drawing Lovisa, the Vikings secured qualification to the round of 16.

The first half of the match was a very karelan effort, as it was chanted on the Canucks section in the stands. The Canucks 7 defenders were keeping hte Vikings front 3 in check for the entire first half. Fmjphoenix was outshot 0-3 in the first half, but Powell Lamar was like a rock, not letting the shots come close. But in the second half, Nolan was unstoppable. The first shot was an easy tap in on a mistake by keeper Kyle Thomas that allowed it past. But the second one was unforgettable. Siieranu Ijanaeil had attempted a beautiful header, but it was a little to high and hit the crossbar. Nolan turned his back to the ball and backflipped, kicking the ball during the flip, and the ball flashingly hit the back of the net for the goal*. With such a move, the Vikings were energized. The defence stiffened up and did not allow the side in red come close to a shot in the final 15 minutes of the match. But the major celebrations were not until 30 minutes later, when the Vikings got word of the Terminators draw that sent Fmjphoenix to the next round. Although we do not know what happened, we do know that the lockerroom was completly trashed and destroyed.

The Vikings final matchup is against Liverpool England. It is expected that the Vikings will be coming with everything, trying to take the top spot of the group for the first time.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Hockey Canada: 0

Nolan 51, 75 - None

Fmjphoenix Vikings
World Cup 25 Schedule/Results
MD01: Fmjphoenix @ Druida 1-3 Loss
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs System Karela 4-0 Win
MD03: Fmjphoenix @ Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD04: Fmjphoenix vs Alan Shearer Heaven 3-1 Win
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama 2-0 Win
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Limbrogidlia 4-0 Win
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Oglethorpia 2-6 Loss
MD08: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 1-2 Loss
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Ariddia 1-0 Win
---------------------------------------
MD10: Fmjphoenix vs Druida 1-1 Draw
MD11: Fmjphoenix @ System Karela 3-1 Win
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Alan Shearer Heaven 1-0 Win
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama 1-1 Draw
MD15: Fmjphoenix @ Limbrogidila 1-1 Draw
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Oglethorpia 2-2 Draw
MD17: Fmjphoenix @ Liverpool England 0-3 Loss
MD18: Fmjphoenix vs Ariddia 2-1 Win

Cafe: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia 1-3 Loss

FRMD1: Fmjphoenix vs Lovisa 2-0 Win
FRMD2: Fmjphoenix vs Hockey Canada 2-0 Win
FRMD3: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England
---------------------------------------
Record: 12-4-4

Viking Goalscorers:
Nolan 18
Ijanaeil 4
Boyd 4
Jenkins 3
Daniels 3
Brown 1

*(Think Final Fantasy X when Tidus does a Sphere Shot in blitzball)*

Twenty minutes remained in the match between the Sarzonian national football team and Eauz in the final match of the so-called Group of Death. Neither team managed to dent the net and assistant coach Cal Trottier swore he could see the bench players from Eauz already begin to celebrate a shock draw that would have sent the world's top ranked team packing.

"Damn it," he muttered to himself. Eauz played a defensive game, more so than they normally did, and they packed every field player behind the midfield stripe in an attempt to earn a draw that would have given them four standings points to Sarzonia's three.

Trottier looked glumly at the pitch as it appeared the Stars weren't even going to come close to a quality chance at any time during this game. Sure, Sarzonia managed to get off seven shots, including three on goal and they held Eauz to an unseemly four shots, with only one testing goalkeeper Horace Sandt, but the Stars looked every bit unprepared for Eauz's slowdown tactics that made Rejistanian System Karela look hetaki.

Trottier needn't have worried. And truth be known, if he had the chance to look into the eyes of aging Sarzonia forward Brian Wilson, he wouldn't have worried. As the clock reached 70 minutes, he had that look in his eyes. The look gave even the most fearsome players on the other teams the creeps because the look wasn't much different from an Xilian assassin with John Nwoko in his crosshairs. Only, instead of the death of an opponent, Wilson had a shot of a different kind lined up.

Even though younger brother and future team vanguard Kevin was giving the Eauz defence fits, and even though Jenna Raven was impressive in her first-ever senior World Cup, team captain Trevor Crenshaw had only one man in mind when Jarret Sanderson was taken down in the Eauzian penalty area and the Druidan referee pointed at the penalty spot. Brian Wilson.

This is what you've worked for all these years, he told himself as the Eauzian goalkeeper fidgeted on the line in an attempt to distract the most focused player Sarzonia had. Here's our chance to put ourselves through. Wilson began his approach to the ball with a stutter step he hadn't intended and a lean to his right that got the desired effect. The Eauzian keeper leaned to his right to begin his dive and Wilson planted his left boot and fired toward the back of the net, gunning for the far left corner.

What Brian Wilson's ball lacked in pace, it made up for it in direction as the Eauzian couldn't redirect himself in time and the ball bounced once and splashed onto the back wall of the goal, making it 1:0 to Sarzonia against the run of play with 71 minutes expired in the match.

All of a sudden, Eauz was snapped out of their negative brand of football, making their final substitution a forward in place of one of the extra defenders they had brought onto the pitch. When he ran onto the pitch, his direction for his side's swiftest halfback was simple: play the right wing in the midfield. However, the change in tactics from defensive to offensive did little more than push the advantage in momentum further into the Sarzonian corner. Even though the Stars didn't add any goals to their tenuous scoreline advantage, they fired five shots, including two more on goal to Eauz's three, with two shots on Sandt.

Finally, the whistle blew and the Stars threw their arms into the air in relief. Trottier smiled wider than he ever had during the Under 21 World Cup runs to the finals that he directed as that team's field boss. Sarzonia escaped with a 1-0 win in Kaze while Rejistania put the finishing touches on the Group H title with a 2-0 win over host nation Kaze Progressa. But group titles weren't the goal of the Stars in the World Cup. World titles are.

Thanks once again to the legendary right boot of Brian Wilson, the Stars will live on to play for one more trophy.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png

Um...okay, that works

FARELA, Kaze Progressa -- Never let it be said that Kenter Surf and the Bedistan Lions are content to do only the minimum they need to do in a given situation.

The Lions came into their final group stage match against Svecia knowing that they needed to avoid losing at all cost. Sounds like the perfect time for System Karela, right? If you're thinking that, you don't know Bedistani football very well. The first half hour was effectively a standoff between the two teams, but when the 37th minute came along, the floodgates opened. Tara Stalls put the ball into the Svecian right post, and it deflected inward to give the Lions a 1-0 advantage. She set herself up for another shot the very next minute, but this second attempt grazed the top of the bar. Not long afterward, though, disaster struck the Lions, as Pat Romano was taken down by a mistimed Henrik Tomasson tackle. It netted the Lightning striker a yellow card and forced Romano to leave the pitch in pain, bringing Rebecca Humboldt into the game in his place. Then came a frenzied stoppage time period that saw two more Bedistan goals, one from Stalls and one from Gina Zamboni, giving the Lions a 3-0 lead going into halftime.

But if Bedistan were dominant at the end of the first half, Svecia were for most of the second. Henrik Tomasson made up for his mistake earlier by netting two for the Lightning to reduce the score to 3-2. But then suddenly the Svecikan defense utterly collapsed. English, Orr, then English again - suddenly the Lions led by four with three minutes remaining, eliminating any chance of a Lightning comeback. And then to add insult to injury, Tara Stalls completed her hattrick in stoppage time to bring the final score to an improbable 7-2.

This means that Bedistan are through to the second round, 21-game undefeated streak intact, and Bettia's 4-3 win over Crystilakere sends them through as well.

finalscore
Bedistan 7 (Stalls 37, 45, 90; Zamboni 45; English 82, 87; Orr 86)
Svecia 2 (Tomasson 52, 80)

groupstandings
GROUP E
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 Bedistan 3 2 1 0 9 3 6 7
2 Bettia 3 1 1 1 5 5 0 4
------------------------------------------------------------
3 Crystilakere 3 1 0 2 6 7 -1 3
4 Svecia 3 1 0 2 5 10 -5 3

Starblaydia Through, But Only Just
Nova Britannicus nearly bloody do it to us again

Even without Henry Maitland, Powers' Army managed to upset the purple apple cart, if that makes any sense. Starblaydia have only really progressed thanks to their 4-1 hammering of Druida on Matchday One, squeezing through on Goal Difference above their neighbours.

Supposedly its the 'piddly little island' and the 'men in mauve' who are going through, according to other nicknames placed on Turori and Starblaydia by others. But, I ask you, is #660099 mauve? No! They lie, it's purple! And besides, its only the colourful trim on our lovely pure white shirts. Apparently only The Lowland Clans wear white shirts too, and we're neighbours. Co-incidence? Anyway.

Nova Britannicus put themselves in the lead thanks to Arthur Peacock, as he gave Nunzio Gre the slip on a Britannican corner and diverted the ball into the net with his head. Starblaydi fans' immediate reaction was 'oh no, not again', like a bowl of petunias called into existence and finding themselves free-falling over Magrathea, or something. Maybe there's a cave in Nova Britannicus somewhere with a big statue... nevermind.

Menecrates gave Starblaydia some comfort with a stunning free kick that he appeared to deliberately place between the heads of two Britannican's in the wall. Joeseh Smythe in the Britannican net was completely dumbfounded by the flight path of the ball, actually being wrong-footed by the kick from twenty-three yards out.

Starblaydia's joy was short-lived, however, as they pressed on for a victory and were caught out at the back. With Leopoldo Lopez firing in a cross from practically the Britannican goal line, Starblaydia were exposed in the left-back position. As Leopoldo picked himself off the advertising hoardings and trotted back onto the pitch, Smythe had already delivered the ball to the halfway line. Dickie Barker raced down the touchline as fast as his thirty-five year-old llegs could physically carry him. Reaching the Starblaydi penalty area without any major challenge, he slid the ball in for the Bluebirds' current top-scorer, David Bond. 38, and as accurate as ever, all it required was a simple side foot past the despairing hand of Angelos Prokopsis.

Oh no, not again.

Nation P W D L F A GD Pts
Turori 3 2 1 0 6 2 +4 7
Starblaydia 3 1 1 1 6 4 +2 4
---------------- - - - - - - -- -
Nova Britannicus 3 1 1 1 3 5 -2 4
Druida 3 0 1 2 3 6 -3 1

A quick look at the Group G table, however, would show that as long as Starblaydia weren't down by something like four clear goals, then they would go through. Bluebird fans knew the situation too, making the point that they would be 'home in a minute, going home in a minute'.

Starblaydia, however, have at least another 90 before they're going anywhere.

Starblaydia 1 - 2 Nova Britannicus
(Menecrates 71) - (Peacock 24, Bond 75)

Ricky Mallon looked up at the scoreboard of the stadium in Ugatia.

Turori 2 Druida 1.

It was sorry reading, for the team at least. There weren't many Druidan fans in the crowd, other than those who'd come over from Krytenia to support their club players. Native Druidans had all been stuck at home because of the trouble there.

The players trudged off feeling somewhat downheartened. Not only were they no longer in the World Cup, their homes had been destroyed and they now had nowhere to go.

As they arrived into the dressing rooms, Elastic Edwards addressed his men.

"Come on, boys, don't feel so down!"

"We can't help it!" replied Gareth Yr Dinistrydd, "We've got nothing left! No possessions, no homes!"

"Now, now." Edwards tried to get his players to feel more relaxed. "It's all going to be OK."

"Really?"

"Yes. Those of you who play for clubs can go back to your countries, you'll be most welcome there. The rest of you... well, our goalkeepers and defenders, we've had an invitation for you to go to System Karela, where you can go and perfect your game for the rest of your lives!"

The response was somewhat muted.

"Anyone who doesn't go there will be looked after by the hisisim monks in Morton Harkett. As the original hisisim team, we're quite important to them!"

"Cool!"

"However, as most of you are getting on a bit now, there'll be no more international football. Just an enjoyable retirement where the people work for one another, just like we do in the team!"

"You're sending us to Eauz?"

"No, the hisisim monk colony."

"Oh."

Todays poem bastardisation sees Rabbie Burns get the JCB treatment. The original version is here (http://www.robertburns.org/works/75.shtml)

To a bipedal ape, on turning over their team in a park

Oor, sleekit, cow'rin, imperial beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi' niggling tackle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
Wi' big Dan Battle!

I'm truly sorry Danny's bootie,
Has broke yer net, its jes' his duty
An' jes because ol' Alanila,
Hit two hi'self a'four the hour
Worry not, old overseer,
An' fellow-biped!

I doubt not yer talent, thou may thieve;
A goal from oor end, c'mon man strive!
Even so, our goalie's saves
Wilnae much assist;
B' find a way thru to the cave
Aye, the an yer miss't!

Thy wee defenders, too, in ruin!
Aplogies f'our offside-trap eschewin!
Ach nae time now, to build a new ane,
O' decent players!
An' games wi' Casari ensuin,
Keep thee'sel keen!

Thouv' seen this countrie, huge and class
The way yez'all stood so aghast,
A' oor great flag, 'pon greater mast
W'oot the apish ensign
Aye thy dominion's in the past
But dinnae whine.

Thy wee bit heap o' leaves an' shite,
It isnae great, b'its haim alright!
Y'couldnae rule us naemore, we's trouble,
We's big an' cold,
To thole thee's winter's sleety dribble,
Te us is chaud!

But, Biped, thou art no' in vain,
One Red Dot are easily slain;
An' the best-laid schemes o' Cesari
Gang aft agley,
An'lea'e thou nought wi' grief an' pain,
But possible joy!

So we's best compared to thee
An' beat thee doon ba one te three:
Dinnae fear, cos Cesari.
N'te us strike fear!
Lets all march forward anywe'
The second roond's near!

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

The Nortenai Miracle

Bettia 4 (Carew 37 pen, Hunter 62, York 85, Harding 89)
Crystilakere 3 (Vellazi 3, Nonaaia 26, Pold 30)

After their defeat to Svecia on matchday 2, the whole of Bettia was praying for a miracle to ensure that the Aroras' involvement in their debut World Cup finals continued past the group stage... and boy, did they get one!

However, you'd be forgiven that they'd fluffed it up before the first half had even finished. Bettia made the worst possible start when a long-range shot by Romano was accidently handled just outside the penalty area by John Connick - Kale Vellazi duly blasted in the resultant free-kick to give Crystilakere an early lead.

Bettia's opponants could sense they were on the up and they continued to pile on the early pressure, crafting a number of chances that never really threatened the Bettian goal. However, all that pressure paid off and Crystilakere doubled their lead on 26 minutes as Nina Nonaaia bundled in a corner. Four minutes later, Bettia looked dead and buried as Toader Pold took full advantage of a sloppy backpass to put Crystilakere 3-0 up.

However, Bettia were handed a lifeline seven minutes later when a rare foray into their opponents penalty area resulted in Evan Brooks falling under a clumsy challenge from Aragoni. Regular penalty taker Geraint Carew made no mistake in crashing the ball home, sending goalkeeper Tystrup the wrong way to make the half-time score 3-1.

Where the first half was virtually one-sided, the second half much brighter for the Aroras, with Swain and Abdullah finally causing some problems for the Crystilakere defence. Just after the hour mark, Ieuan Swain made one of his trademark dashing runs down the left wing before cutting in along the goal line. He then laid the ball back to Evan Brooks who hoofed the ball towards the goal. Alwasi Tystrup could only parry the ball into the path of Latif Hunter, who gratefully dispatched the rebound.

Growing in confidence, Bettia started going forward in search of that elusive equaliser. Chris Hutton saw a blazing 25-yard effort skim off the crossbar, and Hunter and York both had shots well saved. As the clock began to run down, Crystilakere mounted a desperate rearguard action, thowing more defenders ni an effort to stem the Bettian tide.

Luckily for the Aroras, their persistance paid off and Judson York scored a glorious equaliser after a mazy run which saw him ghost past five defenders before slotting the ball underneath a diving goalkeeper.

Three-all, and the stage was set for a frenetic last five minutes. Bettia went all out for the winner, knowing that a draw would not be good enough. John Harding was brought on in place of Musa Williams, and the lanky Akani Sands star soon made an impact. After the ever-dangerous Hutton saw his shot fingertipped away for a corner, John Harding was on hand to rise up above his markers to head the ball into the bototm corner sending the hordes of Bettian fans in delerium.

And then the news filtered through... Bedistan had thumped Svecia 7-2, meaning that Bettia finish the group as runners-up, and therefore go on to meet the winners of Group B in the knockout stages.

Bettia's incredible run continues...


Fixtures / Results

MD1: ....Bedistan 1-1 Bettia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD2: ......Bettia 0-1 Svecia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD3: Crystilakere 3-4 Bettia (Nortenai, KP)

The eye of the needle

Tadjikistans luck was running out very quickly, with New Montreal States jumping over their heads, it seemed the Tigers would be out of the tournament at the end of the group stage. But the Tadjiks truely crawled through the eye of the needle with a victory over Jeruselem.

Tadjik fans gave their team the support required for the though job ahead, yelling Pliiev and company to the other side and giving them the power to forget their problems. Not that a good Salenko needed it, for he gave the Tadjiks an early lead.

Jeruselem, without any points in group F, was not about to walk away with empty hands. The wanted something to save their honour and a win over Tadjikistan would fit right into that show. They equalized late in the first half, when Deb Dallas managed to outsmart Gurchev(and that isnt easy).

The Tadjiks were quick with their answer, in the form of a goal by Zuhurov in the extra time of the first half, making sure the Tadjiks could go to the locker rooms with a good feeling. When they showed up again for the second half they were quite relaxed, giving everyone(including the opposition) the idea they were certain they would win.

The Second half was not half as interesting as the first, with the Tadjiks mostly on the defence, counterattacking from time to time without any real result. Jeruselem still tried to score but a good Gurchev made up for his fault in the first half by catching or blocking anything that came in his direction. The only shot that reached the nets was Pliievs penalty in the late second half for a tackle by a Jeruselem defender.

The Tadjiks figurativly crawled through the eye of the needle, their victory was important, but equally important was New Montreals loss in Paninara against the Insanicians. The latter takes the lead in group F with a perfect 3/3 record, followed by Tadjikistan on a 2/3 record.

But, while we predicted Liverpool England to be Tadjikistans next opponent, they have not yet secured their qualification for the next stage, they arent even leading Group A. That position is currently taken by FMJPhoenix. Both teams are currently fighting out who takes what(and we still believe Liverpool England will take it all), once the result is released, the Tadjiks will know what the 2nd round will bring.



Scores for the Group stage:
Tadjikistan - New Montreal States W 3-1
Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity L 0-1
Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 3-1

Now, for the report of Audioslavia vs One Red Dot, the match we won 3-1. In keeping with the "i'm a pretentious fuck so i'm gonna write it like a poem" theme, and in light of the fact that 'One Red Dot' sounds like the Japanese flag, i'm gonna write this in the style of a Haiku.

One Red Dot Playing
Against Audioslavia's 'Bulls'
A Haiku Report

Five minutes gone and
Jan Arne Hellstrom hits it
Against the up-right!

Brondby's brilliance
(in outpacing defenders)
Gets him the rebound

He slides in ahead
Of the trailing defender
Sticks out a leg, GOAL!

'Slaves are a goal up
After just five minutes gone
As Brondby wheels away

The celebrations
Cut short by One Red Dot attacks
ORD Retaliate!

Number ten, upon
Striking, and hitting the bar
Curses god, blasphemes!

One Red Dot keep up
And force Celta to make saves
Of world class standard

In an instant he,
Reacting to short-range shot,
Flew accross to save

And tipped the ball round
The post with gargantuan
Strength to save the lead!

The 'slaves counter-strike
Is swift, Alanila sprints
Away and cuts in

Behind the full-back,
Crosses to Hellstrom who shoots..
Goal! He makes it 2!

One Red Dot, behind
By two goals, almost collapse
But stay and fight on!

Half time, two-nil down
The visitors again drive
But cant seem to score

Until their forward
Number nine, is upended
In the box, spot-kick!

Sixty minutes gone,
The striker shoots from the spot
And scores! Celta's beat!

Lead halved, One Red Dot
Continue to move forward
And show their passion

With ten minutes left
They go close, the striker hits
His effort just wide

But 'slavia's men
Have not given up the ghost
And bring back the game

No luck in attack
But Jackie Burns, gets the ball
Thirty-five yards out

He stops, checks and swings,
And clatters the ball goalwards
Keeper touches it...

But its a goal! Yes
Three-One! Top corner, a goal!
'Slavia to win!

They stay on top and
Take the game and progress through
Onwards! Second Round!

The Federal Ministry of Culture, Game shows, and Sports Roleplaying presents:

Sports Roleplaying-An Arbitrary Guide
Spoken by Casaran Coach and General Manager Vivica Hill

Welcome to the wonderful world of sports roleplaying! In it, you will meet new friends, enjoy some friendly competition, and live those childhood dreams you stabbed in the back and sent to the grave many years ago.

Chapter 1: Getting Started
The easyest way to start sports roleplaying is to just jump in! Members of sports RPs are usually nice individuals who are open to newcomers. Just keep a few rules in mind.

For instance, let's say you are taking part in some sort of World Cup competition in, for instance, Soccer, and your team just scored an absolutely crucial 2-1 win to get past the group stage.

1: Make sure your roleplays (RPs) are realistic.
As much as you would like to say so, having your star striker Andy Ronalo who leads the team in all time scoring break through in the 84th minute to score an equalizing goal followed by a miracle header from a corner in stoppage time to get the gamewinner against a much stronger opponent would be entertaining, but is not at all realistic.

2: Final Matchday success rarely occurs.
Along those same lines, if a particular result is needed on a particular matchday, such as a win by you or a loss by another team, these events do not always happen and should not be expected.

3: You more than likely will lose to higher ranked teams.
When sports RPing, many involve a ranking system that awards persistance. While RPs might help a small bit and the odd win against a higher ranked team can happen, the odds are you might have to wait even 3 or 4 competitions to make it to a respectable level, such as winning your qualifying group and making it to the round of Sixteen.

Remember, don't get discouraged. These things take time.

(End recording)

Coach Hill looked around. "Is that it?" A director nodded as Hill stood up and walked off the stage towards CSA President Wilson Graham. "This is a waste of time, I need to be preparing for the next match."

"Fine, fine." He replied, sighing. "We can continue recording after the cup. Congratulations on that win over Audioslavia, by the way. Who thought that that last second corner would make it through all those defenders all the way to Newberry anyway?"

"We're Casari. Blind luck, spectacular last-day qualifying attempts, and being a general pain in the ass is what we're all about."

thsd:NEWS
Cruelty To Cats
By Daniel Wheldon in Audioslavia

WE'VE knocked out Oaker, now we've knocked out Vilita. The Krytenians are in danger of becoming popular. A victory for the Aces here, and Oliverry in their match against Oaker, puts both victorious sides through.

It's hard to believe that the Jungle Tabbies were once world champions on this performance. They rarely looked in the game, and made basic errors that would have Callum Banda turning in his grave (if he were dead). Gabriel Kennedy had a field day, scoring in each half to seal the game. Mauro Capuano managed a consolation for the Vilitans, who were given a hard time not only by the travelling Krytenian fans, but the local Audioslavian "neutrals".

It all means a second round berth for the Aces, against...no, that can't be right...

KRYTENIA - 2
Kennedy 24, 70
VILITA - 1
Capuano 88

We've Been Here Before...
By Lisa Schiavo in Kaze Progressa

THIRD time's a charm, as they say. Krytenia's opponents will be very familiar to them - they are none other than the Stars of Sarzonia. Let's take you back...

World Cup 23 Second Round, Monteauz, Eauz
Krytenia take the lead twice against the reigning champions, but can't hang on either time, and are elimated in a shoot-out.

World Cup 24 Semi-Final, Bromham, Krytenia
Krytenia blow it in Bromham, racing into a two-nothing lead before losing it late on. Then it's them goddamn penalties...

Let's hope we don't have the same again.

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 20 (3 in finals)
R. Spivey: 13 (1 in finals)
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON L 0-1

CAFE: N v FMJ W 3-1 (Hyppodrome, Hypocria)

R1: N v OLI D 0-0
R1: N v OAK W 2-0
R1: N v VIL W 2-1
R2: N v SRZ ?????

Now, for the report of Audioslavia vs One Red Dot, the match we won 3-1. In keeping with the "i'm a pretentious fuck so i'm gonna write it like a poem" theme, and in light of the fact that 'One Red Dot' sounds like the Japanese flag, i'm gonna write this in the style of a Haiku.

One Red Dot Playing
Against Audioslavia's 'Bulls'
A Haiku Report

<snip>

The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy - which has been keeping a keen eye on the progress of the World Cup proper - would like to congratulate tournament co-hosts Audioslavia for their poetry-writing skill.

The Holy Synod would particularly like to congratulate the Audioslavians for their majestic effort To a bipedal ape, on turning over their team in a park, though we would personally have liked to have read "Ape O'Shanter".

Much as we also like the One Red Dot match report, we would note that there is an existing recent precedent for haiku-based match reports, with Bettia, Hockey Canada and the Archregimancy all contributing entire match reports in haiku in the haiku-heavy Cup of Harmony 16.

Fmjphoenix tops table, beats Liverpool England for first time

It was a tough time getting there, but the Vikings finally did it. And they did it in style. With the last match against Liverpool England, it was expected that Coach Wash was going to let reserves start and play, but he went with his normal starting eleven, and they produced an unexpected victory over Liverpool England 2-1, giving the Vikings a perfect first round for the first time in history, and propels them to face Tadjikistan in the second round.

The match was an exciting one, as the ball was continuously in movement. From one side to the other, the players were pouncing all over the pitch. Fmjphoenix stuck first, by a great combo cross/header by Laura Boyd and Dave Daniels in the 24th minute. The crowd had errupted at that point, as a good half of the stadium was filled with green and blue. But things quieted down shorty thereafter, as a 20 foot shot was fired home by a Terminator forward that equilized the sides in the 28th minute. It stayed that scoreline for the rest of the half and a good portion into the second. But when it came down to the final 10 minutes, just as it had been for everything else, Mike Nolan came through when his teammates needed him the most. In the 84th minute, Nolan was hit extremly hard in the thighs by one defender. The refs quickly jumped to show him a yellow card and award Nolan a penelty shot. Despite the throbbing thigh, he went left, and shot left, as the keeper dove right thinking it was a fake, putting the Vikings up for good.

Now, the Vikings are sitting on a path they have not seen before. By winning the group, the Vikings are to face the Tigers of Tadjikistan. Although the teams have not played before, the Fmjphoenix colony Dauna Hills faced off against the Tigers in the qualifying run, losing both times to 1-0. But the closeness of the matches has Fmjphoenix fans excited for the matchup. Some predictions have the Vikings going to the quarter finals, and they do not want to disappoint. Look for the boys in green and blue to play harder than ever to keep going on the magical ride.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Liverpool England: 1

Daniels 24, Nolan 84 - Forward 28

Fmjphoenix Vikings
World Cup 25 Schedule/Results
MD01: Fmjphoenix @ Druida 1-3 Loss
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs System Karela 4-0 Win
MD03: Fmjphoenix @ Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD04: Fmjphoenix vs Alan Shearer Heaven 3-1 Win
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama 2-0 Win
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Limbrogidlia 4-0 Win
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Oglethorpia 2-6 Loss
MD08: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 1-2 Loss
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Ariddia 1-0 Win
---------------------------------------
MD10: Fmjphoenix vs Druida 1-1 Draw
MD11: Fmjphoenix @ System Karela 3-1 Win
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Israel4Ever 1-0 Win
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Alan Shearer Heaven 1-0 Win
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama 1-1 Draw
MD15: Fmjphoenix @ Limbrogidila 1-1 Draw
MD16: Fmjphoenix vs Oglethorpia 2-2 Draw
MD17: Fmjphoenix @ Liverpool England 0-3 Loss
MD18: Fmjphoenix vs Ariddia 2-1 Win

Cafe: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia 1-3 Loss

FRMD1: Fmjphoenix vs Lovisa 2-0 Win
FRMD2: Fmjphoenix vs Hockey Canada 2-0 Win
FRMD3: Fmjphoenix vs Liverpool England 2-1 Win
---------------------------------------
Record: 13-4-4

Viking Goalscorers:
Nolan 19
Ijanaeil 4
Boyd 4
Daniels 4
Jenkins 3
Brown 1

Stars face same old opponents

It's the same old, same old for the Sarzonian national football team. World Cup finals knockout rounds and the Stars are facing their regional rivals from Krytenia once again.

In case you missed it, Sarzonia have faced Krytenia in each of the last two knockout stages, in the second round of World Cup XXIII and in the semifinals of World Cup XXIV, and both times defeated the Aces in penalties. It's a tendency that Coach Barry Owens wants to avoid.

"I'm worried about going to the well one time too many," he said after the final practice session. "If we've got a chance to end the match in regulation, we need to show the killer instinct and get it done, but we can't afford to get ahead of ourselves. Krytenia is a great team or they wouldn't be a perennial World Cup contender."

Owens has every right to be worried. Even though Group H, which included Sarzonia, was considered by several observers to be the toughest, the Stars still barely squeaked through the group and needed a late strike from forward Brian Wilson in the final match against Eauz to advance. The Stars stumbled against host nation Kaze Progressa and failed to dent System Karela in a goalless draw against Rejistania.

However, the Stars are doing their best to look forward rather than back.

"What's past is past," forward Kevin Wilson said. "We've got to look at what we need to do to beat Krytenia and don't worry about what happened in Group H. That's done. That's over with." The Stars say the two wins in penalties, and the team's history against the Aces, are just that. History.

In the present, Krytenia are coming off a 12-1-5 record in Group 10 qualifying, finishing second behind Bettia. The Aces scored 46 goals in qualifying, eight more than the Stars, but also conceded 18, ten more than Sarzonia. During the World Cup first round, though, Krytenia have four goals and conceded one, while Sarzonia scored two and conceded one.

"The Aces advanced ahead of an outstanding Vilita side," goalkeeper Horace Sandt said. "And Oaker were also eliminated from that group. Needless to say, they've been playing tough competition and they've turned it up a notch in the World Cup proper. So far, we haven't done that."

The Stars will have to to prevent their first loss in the second round since World Cup XXI's 1-0 defeat to Total 'n Utter Insanity. Sarzonian media outlets are already putting pressure on the Stars coach to advance to the finals after the World Cup XXIV finals loss to Liverpool England.

"When you win one world championship and you're denied two Cups later, you have to make amends," midfielder Jenna Raven said. "Just getting to the knockouts is not good enough for us. We need to bring that World Cup trophy back to Sarzonia where it belongs."

"Nice to see that we're at least going to see some of the game!"

After missing two of their scheduled matches in a row so far, SFF chairman and Schiavonia team manager Rodney Lowe had at last got to see some action.

"So what are we here to test out today?"

"Attack."

"OK. And how will you decide if attack is any good?"

"If the Vikings win, it gets a tick. If they don't, a cross."

"And the score now?"

"1-1. With eight minutes to go."

"It's not going to happen. Let's go."

So they leave the stadium. Just as they get outside, they hear a huge cheer from inside.

"Sounds like someone just scored."

"Yeah. Probably Liverpool England."

And Lowe crossed attack off his list.

"You sure anyone would actually cheer a Liverpool England goal?"

"Well..."

Lowe thought about it for a moment. He then scribbled down something on his piece of paper. It said "ATTACK ISN'T TOO BAD, REALLY".

Coach: What you doing with that Bettian flag?
JFA CEO: We're out of the World Cup, and so it Hockey Canada. Since Nedalia barrack of Bettia, we don't have much choice
Coach: Flag's wrong way round?
JFA CEO: Really?
Coach: Yes
JFA CEO: But I was watching TV and the Bettians have flag this way!
Coach: Yeah, but you were looking in a mirror
JFA CEO: How did you know that
Coach: The scoreboard had Bettia spelt as iatteB
JFA CEO: I was wondering about that
Coach: Well, it's time go home. Lost all our group stage games.
JFA CEO: What happened?
Coach: Team too old, fatigue towards the end
JFA CEO: But they are supposed to be fit
Coach: You played 18 games straight, at all?
JFA CEO: Err, got a point there
Coach: Better put that flag right way round or you'll look like an idiot

Took from a IRC session on the server irc.soccer.oli, on the channel #prez

<GuyDaFrenchy> You suck man. Come on, you know that nerds need to get here, especially before a game between Oliverry and Rejistania...
<LeTitJeune> What? We qualified? Why did I play Quake CXIV for 4 days?
<GuyDaFrenchy> Because we will be playing Rejistania. We have to put ourselve in the body of a nerd. You understand?
<DiFlyingindow> Han'il Takil!
<LeTitJeune> btw, nerds don't sleep with hot girls. They prefer to sleep with netgeeks and such.
* GuyDaFrenchy cries a lot
* DiFlyingWindow flies away. Han'il Takil!
* DiFlyingWindow has quit IRC(You can recognise a netgeek by its capacity to beat the crap out of a team... when it's not IRL)
<LeTitJeune> Finally... He was boring me... Anyway, how did we do to qualify?
<GuyDaFrenchy> Oh! We did something people in the other dimension call "Role-play", which consists in sending unrelated messages on forums in order to win.
<LeTitJeune> Ah! I see... But the players did something right?
<GuyDaFrenchy> Yes... They scored, played well against Vilita and Krytenia, won against Oaker and qualified. That's how they proceeded.
<LeTitJeune> W00T! Finally, we're winning something else than American Football and Hockey...
<GuyDaFrenchy> What is "W00T"?
<LeTitJeune> That's a word used for celebration on IRC channels. like 1337(leet).
<GuyDaFrenchy> Anyway...
* GuyDaFrenchie is now known as DFWSucks
* LeTitJeune is now known as IAgree
<DFWSucks> *LOL*
<IAgree> What's this? Why is it included between asteriscs?
<DFWSucks> I saw someone write it like this when I went in the other dimension. The user that used it like this strangely looked like the nation we'll play against
<IAgree> Rejistania?
<DFWSucks> Yes
* IAgree is now known as HexatuxSucks

Cross-The-Green Battle At World Cup
Cockbill Street Meets Bettia At Second Round

Cockbill Street won yesterday's game against Spruitland in style to finish their group stage campaign with two wins and one draw, thus qualifying for the second round of the World Cup. Despite interest in football diminishing to the point where it's almost an amateur sport, the country's core footballers continue to impress, qualifying for the knock-out stages for the second time running. Christine Andrews said after the match that she was "pleased with the lads and lasses and dwarfs and trolls and the whole lot, but we need to lift our game, focus on the work..." at which point, the Streetian journalist gave up trying to interview the coach because of cliches, and went to watch an amateur Audioslavian cricket match instead - held at a location that shall not be revealed, for fear of government repercussions.

COCKBILL STREET 2 (Barnsdale 18, Chitterling 20)
SPRUITLAND 1 (Jools 71)

However, we do have some information for you on the next opponent, Bettia. It's not hard, after all, it's just a case of walking across the border - where we find the lovely little city of Cockbill Green. It is currently clad in green and orange, as is the entire country, as the nation have exceeded every expectation by qualifying for the second round. After drawing a tough group with World Cup 21 champions Bedistan, World Cup 19 champions Crystilakere, and two-time third-placers Svecia, the team looked dead and buried after one point in their first two games and 0-3 down after half an hour. But Geraint Carew, who plies his trade with Vimesbairn Athletic, slotted home a penalty just before half-time, and three goals just before half-time sent the Bettians into the second round. Expect plenty of goals - the Bettians play in an old-fashioned W-formation, with three strikers and two wingers in their line-up, and they are going to threaten the Streetian back line enough. In fact, they are following a promising trend - Bedistan also followed this up, with a 7-2 win over Svecia, and a total of 146 goals have been scored in 32 group matches. Even Rejistania have scored two goals in a match - admittedly, they've still gone with a goal difference 3-0 in the group stage, and look fearsome now we've got to the round of penalty shoot-outs.

And now, our predictions for the knock-outs:


ROUND OF SIXTEEN QUARTER-FINALS SEMI-FINALS FINAL

Fmjphoenix ---------------
No Yashin, no win |---- Fmjphoenix -------------------
Tadjikistan -------------- Time for some silverware |
for the boys in green. |------- Fmjphoenix --------------
Krytenia ----------------- Anyway, Krytenia never win | |
Red Dwarf Surprise |---- Krytenia --------------------- |
Sarzonia ----------------- |
Battle of the dark horses |------ Fmjphoenix -------------
Turori ------------------- | |
'Slaves always choke |---- Turori ---------------------- | |
Audioslavia -------------- Turori's onto something - | | |
|-------- Turori ------------------ |
Rejistania --------------- after all, Vilita isn't | |
Desperate own goal to win|---- Rejistania ------------------ |
Oliverry ----------------- |
Green vs Green |
Bedistan ----------------- U21 winners to take it |
3 play in CL - nuff said|---- Bedistan -------------------- |
Squornshelous ------------ Prediction courtesy of | |
|-------- Bedistan ---------------- |
Total n Utter Insanity --- BediStat | | |
LE's luck can't last |---- Total n Utter Insanity------- | |
Liverpool England -------- Thank you and good night | |
it's been a lovely tournament|------ Bedistan ---------------
Cockbill Street ---------- |
East is Best, owns West |---- Cockbill Street ------------- |
Bettia ------------------- SDB's not gonna | |
know what hits him |-------- Cockbill Street ---------
Casari ------------------- |
Purple Powah |---- Starblaydia -----------------
Starblaydia --------------

And with that, the World Cup was over.

The defeated Casaran team, 2-1 losers in an extremely predictable result against Starblaydia, sat down forlornly in the locker room, followed by the coach, who slowly walked up and down the row.

"We lost. We knew this was going to happen." She said, stopping by the chalkboard. "But we need to make this positive. What are some positive things that are coming out of this?" She said, staring at her players.

"Well... we don't have to follow the no drinking rule anymore." John Grainger said, taking off his cleats.

"That's good. What else?"

"Well... we didn't overperform so it looks like a dissapointment when we don't do this well next World Cup." Calvin Eskan said, leaning against his locker.

"And we'll get less wedding proposals from that naked calender we did." Goalkeeper Salvidore Rooney.

"That's the spirit! Anything else?" The coach said, looking around at the team.

"We could get book deals and go on the talk show circuit as the first Casarans to go a decent job at anything!" Javis LeMurry said, looking around. "Think of the money."

"We don't have to spend any more time in Audioslavia. The water here is horrible." Andy Ronalo said, looking around.

Nodding, the team packed up and got ready to head to the airport and catch a flight back to Casari, where they would be the focus of 600 million celebratory benders to end all celebratory benders (and far superior to any form of bender practiced in Starblaydia, for that matter).

"We're sure the CSA has enough money to get us back, right?"

commercial

Mike: This just in...Bedistan are officially eliminated from World Cup 25 after losing to Squornshelous in a penalty shootout in the second round. Coverage of the game plus comments from the coach and players, coming up tonight on BSTV Sports Tonight. That's tonight at eleven right here on BSTV.

[ooc: going out for the night, but i'll provide a full report later.]

Progress Kaze'ja

The match against the hosts was not as close as the Sarzonia match was. but it was a heated affair, a duel between two FIFA nations, which met last time in the final of a world cup. The Orange-Blues were victorious in the last matches and they knew that a loss would be more severe than against most other teams. Again, the lineup was a conservative 6-3-1 with Linux Raju as lone striker. Kaze Progressa decided for a much more hetaki formation, which would not be tolerated within the borders of the Karelan State. Hatime I Ra~e made no unexpected changes.

The hosts nearly took the lead in the 3rd minute and only a supreme save of goalie Visnu Kanavan saved the Orange-Blues. After this shock, the defense worked better and made no more blatant mistakes. Kaze Progressa still had a few chances, but they either missed or were handled by the Karelan goalie. The defensive Rejistanians reacted by counter-attacks and some attacks out of the blue. The Spring Drums of the Rejistanian fans started their thunder when the Orange-Blues took the lead in the 35th minute. It was midfielder Seneteramanasiri "SeKa" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu, who scored after a clear mistake in the weak defense. in the 87th minute, when everyone expected the match to end 1:0, suddenly, the Orange-Blues attacked. Right winger Kiru Kansu, who was substituted in in the 68th minute, scored the goal after an assist of Nana Sejil.
The match ended 2:0 and by this, the Orange-Blues won the group and advance into the second round, where they are going to face Oliverry.

Audioslavia vs Casari. This RP is sort of in the style of a poem, but a less pretentious one. Its a bastardisation of a well-ish known song by a well-ish known band (on a world-wide scale anyway). Its Tsunami, by the Manic Street Preachers. Original lyrics are here (http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/manic-street-preachers/87730.html), but i've adapted them slightly so that they all ryhme (in a very very very very very loose sense of the word) and to replace some niggly bits with other niggly bits.

Casari, by the 'Slavian Lead Pinchers

For you my dear reader
Here's a tale that you'll believe, yeah
About as much as Rejistania
Ditching system Karela

Both teams wanted to top Group D
We thought we'd win it easily
Tied it up, we thought, through Brondby's
Forty-second minute Volley

But then...

Chorus
Casari, Casari, came powering over me
Casari, Casari, came breaking counterly
Ronaldo wont miss, can’t miss, won’t miss, didn’t miss

Their finishing is just as clinical
As it was under Vivica Hill
So now we've got to backwards-pedal
To stop them scoring another goal

To lose this game just isnt logical
And going home will be impossible
Our fans would stab us all with icicles
A total nightmare scene logistically, 'gistically, 'gistically, 'gistically

And then..

chorus
Larini, Larini, came haring down the wing
Larini, Larini's pass hit Muss-org-sky
Cappelli, Cappelli hits corner beautifully
Newberry, Newberry, rushed in heartily
Headed goalwards, Celta was nowhere

chorus
Casari, Casari, came powering over me
Casari, Casari, silenced the 'slavian team
Casari, Casari, could have even made it three
Casari, Casari, were it not for the referee
Blows his whistle, now we feel 'bout as good as Partick Thistle

Well we started on a low quality but high pretentiousness (Edgar Allen Poe) and progressed through to high quality, less high pretentiousness (Rabbie Burns) and medium quality, medium pretentiousness (Haiku, Manic Street Preachers). Now to bring the bar down a bit. Is it gonna be another modern band? Is it gonna be a nineteenth-century poet? Nope, its gonna be neither, its gonna be My Sharona, by The Knack, for Audioslavia vs Turori. Sorry everyone, and sorry for any supposed insinuations that Turori aren't a very good team. If the song comes accross as saying that Turori are shit, its accidental. Honest. Original lyrics here (http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/realitybites/mysharona.htm).

My Turori, by The Slack


Ooooooh, you little puppet team, little puppet team
You'll never win the cup it seems myyyyyyyy Turori
Ooh you've played it decently, played it decently
You beat Druida recently myyyyyyy Turori

Never gonna stop or give it up despite your shortcomings
Never gonna win the cup unless you cut your puppet strings
My aye aye aye WOOO!
Ma ma ma myyy Turori!

You made it past Starblaydia, to meet the 'slavia
But we're the wasps, to your lavae, yeah myyyyyyyyyy Turori!
You equal us statiscally, mentally and physically
But history aint kind to thee myyyyyyyy Turori

Never won a game, 'gainst the 'slaves, since your nation's birth
Six matches and you've just lost them all, for what that information's worth
My aye aye aye WOOOOO!!
Ma ma ma myyy Turori!

We don't mean to make a joke, cos usually we choke
In second rounds unless we play myyyyyy Turori
We hope you play continually, to some extent successfully
So we can progress safely playing myyyyyyy Turori

If you ignore this song, then at least, heed this little bit:
Your rosters read like an encyclopedia of worthless shit
My aye aye aye WOOOO!!!
My Turori!
My aye aye aye WOOO!!!!
My Turori!
Ma ma ma myyyyy Turori!

FINAL SCORE:
Audioslavia 1 (Hellstrom 52)
Turori 0

Third time no charm for Aces

Paninara, Kaze Progressa (ASP) -- This time, the match didn't go to penalties.

Unfortunately for the Krytenian national football team, that's the only thing that went their way in the match against Sarzonia. The teams never got past 90 minutes thanks to the right boot of forward Brian Wilson, who combined with little brother Kevin to score the only goal in the dying seconds of second half stoppage time to send the Stars through to the quarterfinals, 1-0.

"We wanted to make sure we won the match in regulation," Coach Barry Owens said. "We were fortunate to be able to do that against a quality football side and it's not going to get any easier for us from here on out."

Sarzonia cruised through World Cup qualifying with a 14-3-1 record but could only muster one win and two draws in the group stage while Krytenia took two matches in a secondary group of death that included Vilita. But the Stars got the better of the match against Krytenia except on the scoreboard until the waning seconds of the match and they showed a resiliency that has marked the team seemingly since its very inception and the team have generally owned Krytenia since their initial 2-0 loss to Krytenia in the first-ever AOCAF tournament, which Owens played in.

"Back then, the team's ranking, which I think was 35th seemed so far above our team's," Owens said when asked about that match. "Obviously, they're still an excellent football side, but we've proven that we're pretty decent now too."

And how. Sarzonia outshot Krytenia 21-12, including seven shots on goal to Krytenia's four and goalkeeper Horace Sandt aggressively patrolled his area. Much to Sandt's surprise, the Aces seemed tentative around his area as the second half wore on.

"I don't want to speculate on why they didn't push it a bit harder after about the 50th minute," Sandt said. "You could see our guys act like they got a second wind even though we played three tough matches in the groups stage."

For Sarzonia, the biggest news not involving their team was watching Bedistan lose their first match since World Cup XXV qualifying started in a penalty kick shootout against Squornshelous. In the Cup of Harmony, Dave Wilson-led Hypocria throttled newly minted Sarzonian nemesis Euroslavia 5-0, leading to an all-around good day for the Stars.

"You can't get much better than what's happened today," Owens said. "Now we've got to pick things back up and forget about it for the next matchday."

Last-Four Beckons for Starblaydia
Casari dumped, Bettia now on the re-bound

A third appearance in the last eight of the World Cup Finals was registered today for Starblaydia as they defeated relative-newcomers Casari 2-1. Starblaydia took the lead with a goal from Iskara Daii's Raphaelo, capitalising on a mistake by Jay Letra at the back leaving the striker one-on-one with Salvidore Rooney, which gave an easy goal for Starblaydia.

That was it for goals in the first half, though the second produced two in a minute. Casaran Central Defender Eddie Oliver rose highest above Danzir Garahildim on a corner, nodding the ball onto the underside of the bar and into the net. Starblaydia came racing back from the kick-off, however, stringing four neat passes together to leave Surachai Buathiang past the back-three and able to sidestep the 'keeper and fire the purple-clad Starblaydia ahead again.

"On average, we've scored twice per game and conceeded just over once in each match. So to win Two-One isn't a particularly big surprise for the statisticians." Nikola Lazerevski, Starblaydi Manager. "I think this is going to be my last Cup, as I'm Sixty-eight already. We've probably got the best chance ever to make the Semis with this next match against Bettia, and from then on anything is possible."

Casari 1 - 2 Starblaydia
(Oliver 51) - (Raphaelo 28, Buathiang 52)

thsd:NEWS
The Sarzonian Headshot
By Daniel Wheldon in Audioslavia

LIKE death and taxes, there is a certain inevitability about Krytenia v Sarzonia matches. And, as the Stars shoot off into their quarter-final, the Aces are, once again, left to reflect on what might have been.

This was not one of the all-time classics by any stretch of the imagination. Even with new coaches Owens and Van Staveren could not inject life into this damp squib of a match, as the two sides pummeled each other into a defensive mush. We were, however, spared the agony of the shootout, as Kevin Wilson scored the only goal of the game at the death.

Oh well, there's always World Cup 26. Whither Sarzonia?

KRYTENIA - 0

SARZONIA - 1
K Wilson 90+1

The Time Warp
By Francis Furter in Transsexual

It's astounding, time is fleeting
Tension takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
Wilson has got the ball

I remember doing losing to Sarzo
Drinking and watching pens
The vodka would hit me and the void would be calling
Let's lose to Sarzo again!
Let's lose to Sarzo again!

It's just a miss to the left
And then a save to the right
With your head in your hands
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the two-fist thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's lose to Sarzo again!

It's so samey, oh fantasy free me
So you can't beat me, no not at all
In another dimension, with victoristic intention
Well-defended, I win all
With a bit of a mind flip
You see extra time slip
And everything seems to be the same
You've got intoxication, and you're needing sedation
Let's lose to Sarzo again!

It's just a miss to the left
And then a save to the right
With your head in your hands
You bring your knees in tight
But it's the two-fist thrust that really drives you insane,
Let's lose to Sarzo again!

SCORERS
G. Kennedy: 20 (3 in finals)
R. Spivey: 13 (1 in finals)
K. Keda: 5
M. Bartrum: 2
P. Neasden: 2
D. Signoriello: 2
S. Ziov: 2
N. Caraiani: 1
O. Kader: 1
C. Stevenson: 1
J. Terezzi: 1

QUALIFYING SCHEDULE
MD1: A v CAP L 0-1
MD2: A v ECH W 3-0
MD3: H v ANA W 5-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD4: A v NMS W 3-2
MD5: H v TGD W 4-1 (The Mound, Secklow)
MD6: A v PGJ W 2-0
MD7: H v NCR W 3-0 (Brecklands, Linford)
MD8: A v BET L 3-4
MD9: H v TON W 5-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD10: H v CAP L 2-3 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD11: H v ECH L 1-2 (Mercia Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: A v ANA W 3-0
MD13: H v NMS W 2-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD14: A v TGD W 3-2
MD15: H v PGJ W 3-1 (Walton Gardens, Simpson)
MD16: A v NCR W 3-0
MD17: H v BET D 1-1 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD18: A v TON L 0-1

CAFE: N v FMJ W 3-1 (Hyppodrome, Hypocria)

R1: N v OLI D 0-0
R1: N v OAK W 2-0
R1: N v VIL W 2-1
R2: N v SRZ L 0-1

On a rejistanian IRC-Server (yes, rejistanian internet-connections might not be fast, but cheap so IRC is the protocoll of choice) duringthe match. Of course, the excerpts are translated.

-!- Veran [SimSi@si35h.Ivestori.jsk.rj] has joined #0ja0
< Veran> Anyone else not able t see the match?
* Sysysy is listening to the radio-broadcast
* Ikaru as well
* Veran has a slani reception here and is not allowed to leave his workplace
< Sysysy> and IRC is allowed?
< Veran> not really, but not forbidden
< SLSRed> Weird employer...
< Veran> well, interested that not everyone leaves. besides, IRC is often used to talk to fellow traders
< SLSRed> Ah k. The score's still #0ja0
< SLSRed> -# of course
-!- Takila [takil@sthl2-24-185-10.selet-internethan.jsk.rj] has joined #0ja0
< Takila> Hi all!
< Sysysy> Kikeru, work!
< Takila> Is anyone else here cheering for Oliverry?
-!- Takila was kicked from #0ja0 by Kikeru [No Takilans allowed!]
<@Kikeru> I'll call the police and tell them the hostmask, brb!
< Sysysy> Takilans are evil people!
< DakiForPres> SLNI!!!
< DakiForPres> *SLANI!!!
< DakiForPres> SLANI!!!
< DakiForPres> SLANI!!!
< DakiForPres> 0:1!
< Veran> you're kidding?
< DakiForPres> no, just heard it in RejisCAST. :(
< Veran> slani! How did it happen?
< Sysysy> indirect free kick, $weirdfrenchie headed the ball past Visnu.
< Veran> $weirdfrenchie?
< Sysysy> Hana Kansu messed the name up anyways.
<@Kikeru> Jean St-Leon

{later}
< Sysysy> This sucks... it's nearly the end of the first half and still the Orange-Blues play as if defending 2 points.
< DakiForPres> indeed... they had no real chances...
< DakiForPres> oh, currently they try something
< Sysysy> Yeah, nice counter!
<@Kikeru> YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
< Sysysy> JJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
< DakiForPres> 1:1!
< Hexatux3> For Veran: Goal from Linux Raju after an assist of "SeKa"!
* DakiForPres dances naked through the channel!
-!- Sysysy [sysysysy@kaxirea0012080135.konihekta.sjk.rj] has quit [Ping Timeout]
< Veran> ty Hexatux3!
< DakiForPres> Bugger, I killed Sy
* DakiForPres puts on clothes again
-!- Sysysy [sysysysy@kaxirea0012080491.konihekta.sjk.rj] has joined #0ja0

{later}
<@Kikeru> Hatime should be flogged, tortured and then killed!
< Veran> Kike, I thought we were ahead 2ja1 after the penalty from H~saldu'he?
<@Kikeru> You're saying it: 2ja1! We conceded! And we still play too takilan, I mean Hatime even decided for a 5-4-1! How Takilan is that?
< Veran> Not very much! A 3-4-3 would be! Or like Oliverry: 2-3-5!
<@Kikeru> Still, if we lose this match, it is a question of defense. Look, Oliverry's attacking again!
< Veran> This gives us chances to counter!
<@Kikeru> Bloody optimist!
< Sysysy> They are doing a counter-attack right now!
<@Kikeru> XXXXXXXXXKKKKKKKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
< Sysysy> JJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
< Veran> 3:1?
< Sysysy> Indeed. Onwards, Rejistania!

{after the match}
-!- Kikeru changes the topic of #0ja0 to: Welcome to the official SelaneNet soccer channel! | Karela Lines rejistanian champion | Orange-Blues in the quarterfinal!
< Sysysy> See? Hatime's tactics were not that bad!
<@Kikeru> It was only luck! And Raju'he!
< Sysysy> Yeah, he is a great striker!
<@Kikeru> Not to forget H~saldu'he! I still can not understand why he was promoted to the national team that late.
< Sysysy> Because he played abroad quite a long time?
<@Kikeru> Maybe...
< Sysysy> Or Hatime is not that bad?
-!- Sysysy was kicked from #0ja0 by Kikeru [Never!]

Squornshelous Wins

Many People are Happy about this

Jolt Ate just ate 20-30 minutes worth of post.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 3-3 Bedistan (AET)
Squornshelous 5-4 Bedistan (PK)

Squornshelan Goals:
Persson: 1
Ogbadan: 1
Smitz: 1

Insanicians fall to Terminators

The Terminators marched on to the WC25 last eight despite a lack of media publicity back home, defeating Total n Utter Insanity in the second round. The defending World Champions have now been set a target of clinching third place at this World Cup by the FALE, even while the press continues to remain silent...

Tadjiks move on

The Tadjiks have already admitted that they got a bit lucky, first in the qualifications, then in the group stage and now in the second round. The Tadjiks Tigers today dealt with the FMJPhoenix Vikings, a team that, after a perfect run in the group stage, was looking for qualification to the next round.

Maybe they were a bit to confident, even their own predictions put them past the Tigers! well, they said they did not want to dissapoint. At the same time they forgot that the Tigers escaped from a quick elimination against Liverpool England after getting a lucky win in the group stage. The Tigers were relieved to meet the Vikings and happy with their qualification to the second round.

The Vikings played it hard and showed the willingness to score and win but Gurchev and his comrades were always there to stop whatever the Vikings threw at them, even Mike Nolan, FMJPhoenix's topscorer failed to beat Daniel Gurchev.

The Tadjiks strikers sought to move up over the flanks, but they were unable to press on in the first half And it was not until well into the second half that the Tigers, lead by Pliiev, managed to threaten Lamar. Slowly the Tadjiks took control of the game and finally set up a series of moves in the last twenty minutes resulting in two goals. A first shot, on a pass from Pliiev saw Salenko score, while Szarmach finished off the job with a shot from the left flank that deflected off the right pole.

To everybody's amazement, the Tadjik Tigers move on to the Quarter finals, for the first time in their history(and its a long one now). 'There wasnt a single prediction that put us in the quarterfinals' Michael Pliiev commented on his teams success 'But were here! I think even we were a bit surprised today. Now we go up against one of those former World Champions Sarzonia, which will most likely be our last game here. No problem, we've already done better than most expected us to. We're gonna celebrate our performance and then give the fans a good match to thank them for their support.

Tadjikistans road to the Quarterfinals
-Qualifications---------------------------------
MD1: Da Philelfya Empiya - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD2: Tadjikistan - Kericia W 3-0
MD3: Metfield - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD4: Tadjikistan - Rordia W 1-0
MD5: Dauna Hills - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Lethislavania - Tadjikistan L 2-1
MD7: Tadjikistan - Vilita D 1-1
MD8: Kudlastan - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD9: Tadjikistan - Starblaydia W 3-1
MD10: Tadjikistan - Da Philelfya Empiya D 2-2
MD11: Kericia - Tadjikistan W 0-5
MD12: Tadjikistan - Metfield W 3-1
MD13: Rordia - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD14: Tadjikistan - Dauna Hills W 2-1
MD15: Tadjikistan - Lethislavania W 3-1
MD16: Vilita - Tadjikistan D 0-0
MD17: Tadjikistan - Kudlastan W 4-1
MD18: Starblaydia - Tadjikistan W 0-1
-World Cup Group stage---------------------------
Tadjikistan - New Montreal States W 3-1
Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity L 0-1
Tadjikistan - Jeruselem W 3-1
-Second Round------------------------------------
FMJPhoenix - Tadjikistan W 0-2
-Quarterfinals-------------------------------------
Sarzonia - Tadjikistan ?-?

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/FAB.jpg

Aroras Go A-Roaring On

Bettia 1 (Hutton 14)
Cockbill Street 0

Bettia continued to astound their fans back home and abroad by squeezing past their neighbours and footballing powerhouses Cockbill Street to set up an intriguing quarter-final tie.

Having played their opening round fixtures in Kaze Progressa, the Aroras now travelled to the Black Lemur Stadium here in Cornellby, Audioslavia for this local derby. Although they have never faced each other before now, Bettia's Under-21s had met their Streetian counterparts in the last U21 World Cup, coming away with a thrilling 8-6 victory. There was no question of those remarkable events happening again, as Cockbill Street's midfield controlled the game for long periods, countering the ever-present Bettian threat on the wings.

Bettia took the lead on 14 minutes somewhat against the run of play. Ricardo DiTorino easily dealt with a corner and immediately found Jason Abdullah racing down the wing with a long throw. As the Streetian defence scrambled back to catch him, they failed to pick up Bettia's front three of Hutton, Hunter and York all lurking around the area. A short pass was well controlled by Chris Hutton, who cut back towards the centre before unleashing a low drive into the bottom corner.

This sucker-punch stunned Cockbill Street somewhat, and Bettia attempted to take full advantage by creating a number of quick opportunities. Judson York shot just wide from a rather narrow angle, and Evan Brooks forced a save from Sam Peterson with a bobbling low shot from outside the area.

To their credit, Cockbill Street slowly but surely got back into the game. Their best effort of the first half came just before half time, as Olivia Peterson beat the offside trap and found herself one-on-one with Bettia's keeper. Unfortunatly for the Streetian faithful, DiTorino was just about able to block her shot with his legs.

The second half started off in similar fashion, with Cockbill Street controlling the game and Bettia making sharp counter-attacks. Ieuan Swain had a superb solo run but was forced wide by Sam Peterson, and although he managed to sidestep the keeper, his shot was easily cleared off the line by Groinbiter.

As the half wore on, Cockbill Street started attacking even more in a bid to get that elusive equaliser. Bettia's manager Laxhu Takil substituted the hard-working Chris Hutton for the experienced Omar Whistler in a bid to even things up a bid in midfield, and his ploy worked as Whistler linked up well with Brooks and Connick. Further changes were made when Abdullah was subbed for Amir Bin Da'ud as Bettia reverted to a bog-standard 4-4-2 for the last ten minutes.

The Aroras' defenders were made to work hard as wave after wave of Streetian attacks drove onwards towards the Bettian goal, and although they tried their hardest, Bettia defences remained firm, denying their opponents a clear shot on goal, and they held out to claim an unlikely win to see the Aroras through to the Quarter-Finals.

Their next opponents will be the much-fancied Starblaydia. The two teams have met three times before; the first two were in World Cup 22 where the Aroras claimed a highly creditable 0-0 away draw before slipping to a 2-0 home defeat. The third time came at AOCAF IX in Cockbill Street, where the 'Blaydes won 2-1. Bettia will be hard-pressed to break their Starblaydian duck and the odds are certainly against them... but the way this World Cup is going, who knows what might happen?


Fixtures / Results

Second Round

Cockbill Street 0-1 Bettia (Black Lemur Stadium, Cornellby, Audioslavia)

First Round, Group E

MD1: ....Bedistan 1-1 Bettia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD2: ......Bettia 0-1 Svecia (Archway Stadium, Farela, KP)
MD3: Crystilakere 3-4 Bettia (Warpnet Arena, Nortenai, KP)

Orange-Blues against Slaves

The next opponent of the Orange-Blue national team will be the slaves from Audioslavia. Their last reports were in rhymed form and so we try the same as well for a pre-match report... Okay, this is because of a lost bet between editors from the National and Update, would you now please stop asking?

If you say the match would be tonight
Rejistanians would feel slight delight
'Cause our nation
won't face elimination
We have the power of the Karela!

You might try to make our team concede,
I can tell you, you will not succeed.
'Cause our nation
won't face humiliation
Do you remember World Cup 12 again?

As much as you might still want revenge
We believe you will not have a chance
'Cause our nation
will win this confrontation
We have the power of the Karela!

Woodstock Daily Mail

Ryan Calvin
Stars stay wary of Tadjiks

The Sarzonian national football team has been here before.

Similar to their first-ever World Cup qualifying effort, the Stars acing a highly-rated and well-regarded opponent in a match that the opponent is all but writing off as a loss. That happened when then-14th ranked Tanah Burung were facing the prospect of being sent home early by a nascent Stars side that was leading its World Cup qualifying group and had already defeated Tanah Burung at Hendrix Stadium in Woodstock.

However, the Stars fell 2-0 in that match and in the return leg against 25th ranked Lovisa to miss their chance to advance to the World Cup finals in their debut go-around. Barry Owens was a player on that Stars team and Dave Wilson, current Hypocria boss and former Stars coach, was an assistant to Bryan Marshall. But the lessons aren't lost on Owens.

"The last thing we can afford to do is believe the press clippings," Owens said. "The situation's pretty different now, obviously, but the same lessons apply. We don't take any match for granted."

Sarzonia has a list of unlikely outcomes to cite as reasons not to take Tadjikistan lightly, starting with eighth seed Legalese's 5-2 win over the Stars in the early stages of World Cup XVIII qualifying, a match most Stars players and coaches still talk about as if it happened yesterday. Even some of Sarzonia's unlikely wins, such as their 5-0 shattering of Giant Zucchini during World Cup XVII qualifying can serve as fodder for the coaching staff.

The team may be boring to some, particularly purple-clad Starblaydis who don't know any better, but the team is remarkable for its singular determination. They may not have the most physical gifts or play the most attractive football, but, as midfielder Jenna Raven said, "at least we don't play Karela."

"When it's all said and done, a bicycle kick or a 35 yard bending free kick still count the same on the scoresheet as a header from about one meter out," forward Brian Wilson said. "You don't get four points for a 'pretty win' and two points for an 'ugly win,' you get three points for a win. Period. We want to be the team at the end that holds the World Cup aloft. That's our goal. How we get there isn't that important."

The Stars got some good news before their match against Tadjikistan, who have an overall mark of 17-3-2 since World Cup XXV qualifying began. To the best of their knowledge, Sarzonia have never faced Tadjikistan, but Owens said he's familiar with what to expect.

"A terrific football game," he said. "They're a great team and they've got a huge monkey off their backs, so they'll be extra dangerous."

Owens is learning fast. Besides his 16-5-1 record in his first go-around as the Stars football coach, he's learned how to say all the right things about his opponents in a way that Marshall would have been proud of. He said it's no accident.

"Bryan knew going in what I've learned. Once you get to this level, there are no gimme games."

Penalties stay kind to Stars

by Ryan Calvin
Woodstock Daily Mail

Frizkao, Kaze Progressa (6 December 2005) -- Sarzonia and Tadjikistan played a match that many among the Stars said will go down as one of the all-time classic matches the team has played in its long history. The teams combined for 120 minutes of scoreless football with goalkeeper Horace Sandt the outstanding player for the Stars as he turned aside nine Tadjik shots.

He would come up huge in the penalty kick round, making the only save with a diving stop to his right during the third round that set up forward Kevin Wilson for the chance to clinch the semifinals berth for the Stars. The younger brother of Sarzonian legend Brian Wilson was true on his penalty kick and the Stars slipped past Tadjikistan with a 5-4 edge in penalties after playing regulation and extra time scoreless.

"We've certainly had a tough stretch of matches," Coach Barry Owens said. "None of the last five matches we've played have been easy. We've had to fight and scratch and claw for everything."

That certainly seems to fit in with the Stars. No matter who coaches this side, it will be a team that makes its mark by outworking its oppnents most of the time and by seemingly willing its way to victory. They started that tradition under Bryan Marshall and continued it under Dave Wilson.

For the players, Owens is much like his predecessors. He shares Marshall's sense of caution and his respect for opponents, while the players say he has Wilson's organisational skills. One thing he does differently is he doesn't change his system for big matches, such as attempting to tweak the team's approach to playing Rejistania.

"That's not conducive to success," assistant coach Cal Trottier said of the temptation to change the team's style for one opponent. "If you try to change who you are as a team, you find you stop doing things instinctively and you start thinking. Doing that in a World Cup knockout round is damn near suicide. That's something Barry's adamant about."

Whatever Owens is doing seems to be working, but he says Dave Wilson, "left me a pretty full cupboard. This team's really easy for me to coach." Even if it isn't an easy team to watch.

Pschychoes In the Semis

Squornshelous remains unbeaten against higher ranked teams and is looking better than ever
Squornshelous pulled off a phenomenal defeat of 3rd ranked Liverpool England in their World Cup 25 Quarterfinal match, advancing to face the winner of the Bettia-Starblaydia match in the semifinal. On the other side of the bracket, top ranked Sarzonia took out Tadjikistan to face the winner of the match between hosts Audioslavia, at 17th in the world, and 5th ranked Rejistania. Ours is definitely the weaker side of the bracket on paper, with Squornshelous standing at 9th in the world, and Starblaydia and Bettia at 10th and 27th respectively. With respect to these rankings Squornshelous are the favorites to advance to the final from our bracket, a place the Pschychoes haven't been since World Cup 15 40 years ago. Even finding Squornshelous's last semifinal appearance takes us back 20 years to World Cup 20. The Pschychoes have climbed back into the top ten after disappointing performances in recent cups, and now find themselves with mabye their best chance to win the World Cup ever.
In an interesting aside, the Ferrets, Squornshelous's national hockey team, are also in the semifinals of their tournament. After years of underachieving and bad play, the Ferrets also find themselves with a very real chance to win a championship.

So after years of dismal hockey play and close calls and disappointments in football, Squornshelous is just a few matches away from getting their hands on some serious hardware, getting a couple of monkeys off their back in the process.

The match itsself was a tense, ard fought physical battle, that had few good scoring attempts and lots of gritty play. When the lights went down in Kaza, Franz Persson once again was the hero of the day for his team, scoring both of the Squornshelan goals himself.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-1 Liverpool England

Woodstock Daily Mail

Stars get another shot at Orange-Blues

by Ryan Calvin
Woodstock Daily Mail

With Registania's 1-0 result against co-World Cup hosts Audioslavia, the Group of Death in this World Cup gets to have one final act before the 25th competition draws to a close. The Stars (17-5-1) face a Rejistania side that is highly-regarded, and for good reason.

The Orange-Blues come into the second matchup of these two sides with a combined mark of 16-4-3, a record four World Cup titles, and a lifetime unbeaten record against Sarzonia. Rejistania have outscored their opponents 42-9 with the vaunted System Karela confounding most opponents once again and, according to Stars Coach Barry Owens, they are peaking at the right time.

"They've only allowed one goal in the past five matches," Owens said. "Meanwhile, they've scored seven goals since then and have made some good teams look rather amateurish. The thing that concerns me about this match is the fact that we're facing them so soon after our last match." The Stars provided the only blemish on Rejistania's otherwise perfect record, playing the Orange-Blues to a scoreless draw and generating more scoring chances than Rejistania, but Owens said, "we need to put one past them."

Even that has been a challenge for the Stars. The last time Sarzonia even scored a goal against the Orange-Blues, they conceded three during World Cup XVIII qualifying in a 3-1 loss. In the first-ever meeting, the Stars played the Orange-Blues to a 2-2 draw in Rejistania.

Much has been made throughout Sarzonian media outlets of the Stars' winless record against Rejistania at the senior level. Sarzonia's only victories against the Orange-Blues have come in the Under 21 World Cup, in which Sarzonia no longer fields a team. But Owens said he wouldn't change his team's style of football because of who his team is playing.

"This isn't the time for desperation," Owens said. "That can lead to stupid coaching decisions. We're not going to change the way we play to get one [stinking] victory against Rejistania. If we're going to beat them, we're going to do it playing Sarzonian football, the way we've always played."

If Owens and company are going to beat Rejistania for the first time at the senior level, they're going to have to do it by playing their unique brand of "controlled fury," a possession-based attack that emphasises short passes and getting everyone involved and a defence that is predicated on all 10 field players minding their defensive responsibilities. They're going to have to do it with goalkeeper Horace Sandt controlling his box and quarterbacking the defence. But most importantly, they're going to have to do it without resorting to System Karela or attacking more aggressively than normal.

"We're just going to have to do what we always do, and that's work harder than anyone," assistant coach Cal Trottier, the last Sarzonia football coach to defeat Rejistania at any level. "We're going to hit those ghosts of the past head-on until we finally break through with that win."

Even if the Stars go down to Rejistania for the umpteenth time in their history, at least Owens and the Stars will do it the way their fans would want: Giving it their best shot.

For the final installment of 'Audioslavia Sings the Classics', Thin Lizzy's 'Whiskey in the Jar' gets the bastardisation treatment. Original lyrics here (http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/thin-lizzy/136695.html)

Eleven in the Back Four by This Loser

As I was goin’ over the Rejistania roster
I saw that their attackers were nothing but imposters
Their strikers looked like wingers, midfielders like defenders
The sheer size of their back four I couldn't comprehend, yeah

Bugger, their playin' Karela
Damn catenaccio
Damn catenaccio
Eleven in defence-o

We tried to break the stronghold that Rejis had on their goal
We tried to chip and flick it, and blast it through the wall
For hours it looked like any minute now we'd go and do it
But Rejis were just waitin' for our own defence to lose it

Bugger, their playin' Karela
Damn catenaccio
Damn catenaccio
Eleven in defence-o

Being drunk with power and with no prophet to warn us
We brought up our defenders for a string of wasted corners
H-Saldu thumped it forward in front of Nana Sejil
That rascal Rejistanian beat our goalkeeper for one-nil

Bugger, their playin' Karela
Damn catenaccio
Damn catenaccio
Eleven in defence-o

Now some teams like to goal-hang, and some teams love their wingers
Some teams eschew the footballers and go for teams of singers
But Rejis likes Karela, especially against the 'slavia
So here we are at the airport getting ready for the plane yeah

Bugger, they played their Karela
Damn catenaccio
Damn catenaccio
Eleven in defence-o

OOC: I write Hana Kansu's English as she speaks it. These are no reoccurring typos.

Sirake Tekim: Good Morning, vietnam! Err, Hejida listeners! This is Radio RejisCAST reporting live and directly from World Cup 25. For us in the stadium is Hana Kansu, Hejida Hana!
Hana Kansu: Hejida Sirake!
Sirake Tekim: I have heard that next cup will be less interesting for you?
Hana Kansu: What are you referinh to?
Sirake Tekim: The fact that the Great Karelan Nation is bidding with Liverpool England to host.
Hana Kansu: Ah, that, I heard it too and this bid would be pretty much conzidered chanceless if not the only competition comes from Oliverry and Commerze Highs...
Sirake Tekim: Oliverry and Commerce Heights, yes. Why do you think they have no chance at all?
Hana Kansu: In Oliverry, frogs are eaten! And they are French! Well and about Commerze Highs, they are capitalist' and a all attem's to host till now failed.
Sirake Tekim: How true!
Hana Kansu: And worst: They think we as karelans should be capitalistic as well. The government should not attack business with regulations...
Sirake Tekim: This view is partly shared by the temple, but sometimes the government has to defend the national economy by tariffs. Of course, the karelan principles need interpretation by the temple! Only the priests and monks can lead us!
Hana Kansu: Indeed! Well na~o to the match, I guess!
Sirake Tekim: Yes, I think our bullshit-quota for today is pretty much filled.
Hana Kansu: We forgot the personal insul's.
Sirake Tekim: Ah right, loser!
Hana Kansu: At least I never was a striker in a soccer team!
Sirake Tekim: Yes, you are too bad even to play in a 11th league team!
Hana Kansu: Asik In-Xi-Ly Karela about that!
Sirake Tekim: What is that?
Hana Kansu: The team, I used to play for.
Sirake Tekim: Last league, last place?
Hana Kansu: No, 9th league.
Sirake Tekim: oh! I think you should start talking about the match...
Hana Kansu: Jus' becos I am winninh the argument?
Sirake Tekim: Yes.
Hana Kansu: Okay... Audioslavia is hopinh on their attackinh abilities to win this match. They are playinh a 3-5-2 formation: Goalkeeper is Gabriel Celta, defenders are Derry Colgan, Aron Ceulemans, David Raven and... oh right only so few defenders! In midfield: Antonin Berlioz, Dietmar Mussorgesky, Taurxa Jeroen, Jackie Burns and Kabaofo Alanila. Strikers are Michael Brondby and Jan-Arne Hellstorm.
Sirake Tekim: Hellstorm?
Hana Kansu: Weird name, indeed! Now for our most liked team, which is no longer the most karelan team on the planet after System Karela founded its league: Goalkeeper is Visnu Kanavan, defenders are: Kansu I Kansu, Kiira Isilyi, Nika~o H~saldu, Vejin Jara, Xixi Ita, Iasin Sala and Verise Lati, midfielders are Sines Exke and Seneteramanasiri "SeKa" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu, the forward is Linux Raju. The Rejistanians do not want to risk a thing with their conservative 7-2-1 formation.

{15th minute}
Hana Kansu: Audioslavia is attackinh like under a spell, but they till now had no real chance. The Orange-Blues make sure the slaves have not one chance in 100.
Sirake Tekim: slaves? They are free! At least I thought so
Hana Kansu: They are free men, but the term 'slaves' is referinh to the nation, 'Audioslavia'.
Sirake Tekim: Are the Rejistanians the 'tanis'?
Hana Kansu: No, not as far as I know.
Sirake Tekim: Then why it is slaves?
Hana Kansu: The Slavish people maybe? I never wondered about this...
Sirake Tekim: The Slavish people only exists in a computer game called RL!
Hana Kansu: Well, I have no other idea! To get to the match: Brondby in possession of the ball, but, right, H~saldu'he and Isilyi'he are markinh him, he passes back into the Audioslavian half...

{45th minute}
Hana Kansu: This was the first half, very karelan, we can say. Audioslavia tried their best to get one past Kanavan'he, but the Orange-Blues put all emphasis into defense and so the hisisimans tried and tried but suzheeded not. The score still nil all! the Orange-Blues had this one chance in the 35th minute, but Linux's attempt to score from quite a distance went wide.

{64th minute}
Hana Kansu: Hatime I Ra~e is indicatinh a su'stistution: Sejil'he will come in replacinh Raju'he. This was not Linux's best day, we can admit that.

{67th minute}
Hana Kansu: This nesht attem't for the slaves: Again it was cleared to a corner and again it is Taursha Jeroen, who will shoot it. This is gettinh predictable. As a nice fact: every player eshze't slavian goalkeeper Gabriel Celta are in the Rejistanian half. Jeroen'he shoots and Alanila'he, no H~saldu'he reaches the ball and heads it out of the penalty area, to... yes, to Sejil'he! Sejil'he advancinh fowards. This is.. yes, this is a counter-attack! Nana Sejil'he is dashinh forward, two audioslavians are tryinh to reach him, but the Miralan is too quick... he comes near the Slavian goal and... XXXXXXKKKKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Celta'he did not look well durinh this save-attem't. Rejistania up one nil!

{90th+1 minute}
Hana Kansu: they are all storming forward for the one desperate attack to bring overtime, but Jara'he did good job here goinh into duel with Burns'he. Jara'he clears and This is the end! Rejistania advanzes into the semifinal! Rejistania is through! The Orange-Blues will face the Stars for a second time in this com'etition. Han'il Rejistaniha and back to the associated studios!

Third Time's The Charm
Finally, a Semi-Final for Starblaydia

It was, perhaps, to be the most-exciting weekend of action in Starblaydia's sporting history. You could barely switch on the TV without seeing adverts for the entire weekend 'live and exclusive, on SCB:Sports' or wherever. The talk-shows chatted about it, the phone-ins centered themselves around it, the competitions gave away tickets for the whole weekend's action.

To put it quite simply: Starblaydia were in three Quarter-Finals over two days. The Atlantian Oceania Cup of Association Football, the Cherry Cup and the World Cup. The last-eight of three of the most important sporting events in the world.

The AOCAF
Starblaydia vs Hypocria - (Campus Ground, Grappenhall, Bettia)

Facing the only team to beat Starblaydia (and then only once) in the AOCAF in some twenty years, Hypocria, defending Champions Starblaydia faltered in their first Quarter, losing on penalties (again) to Hypocria (again) for the second time.

None out of One, and Starblaydia's regional reputation bent out of the pristine shape it used to be.

The Cherry Cup
Starblaydia vs Bettia - (Oliverry)

The free-scoring Rayzors had been lighting up the Cherry Cup up until this Quarter-Final, scoring anywhere between four and seven goals per match. In their title defence Starblaydia's Dwarves were rampant. Until, of course, they met Bettia. Starblaydia managed to score only once in the entire match - which included three periods of Overtime. Usually Starblaydia would have managed ten in that time, but Bettia struck again to deal the death-blow to Starblaydia's plans of a Cherry Cup Semi-Final or even a record-extending fifth Cherry Cup.

The World Cup
Starblaydia vs Bettia - (Kaze Progressa)

So, finally, after two depressing losses in the last eight, Starblaydia came to the match that really mattered. The World Cup Quarter-Finals, somewhere Starblaydia had reached twice before but never progressed from. Both in World Cup 17 and World Cup 23, Starblaydia faltered at that Quarter-Finals, earning somewhat of a reputation among the sportingly-minded for choking when it really matters.

Not so on this occasion. Depression gave way to jubilation as Starblaydia defeated Bettia (see how they came up in all three Quarters? Must be a conspiracy) by the seemingly-Karelan scoreline of 1-0. No karela feast this, however, what with Bettia's Takilan stylings and Starblaydia's offensively-minded antics.

Now Starblaydia face Sqournshelous, having only met the Pschychoes on three occasions in Starblaydia's 40-year history of participation. The only problem is, however, that there have been two four-goal defeats. Two games in the World Cup 19 Qualifiers: 1-5 and 2-1 were the results. The other was in the Raptor Claw-hosted Jurassic Invitaional, a 4-0 loss in the Quarter-Finals.

Starblaydia's highest aim right now is the World Cup Finals. Once we're there, then we can think about painting the world Purple. First the Pschychoes need to be put away in a padded room, then the Orange-Blues or Stars can be planned for, whether for World Domination or Consolation Nation.

One More Match!
Starblaydia burst into World Cup Final!

We're so close you can practically touch it. Starblaydia have completely failed to defy the predicitions of a number of notable commentators and have made it all the way to the Final. This acheivement, incredible in its own right, was courtesy of goals by Zhorin Tumunzahar and substitute Giovanni Lopez to give Starblaydia a 2-1 win.

"I'm absolutely ecstatic," said Starblaydia's manager, Nikola Lazerevski, known to all and sundry as 'Laser', "I was in this at the start, when we started for World Cup 15. That was forty bloody years ago, I'm getting too old for this, I'm 69 next year, don't you know?"

The time is coming, however, for Starblaydia's so-called 'Golden Generation' to bear fruit. The Under-21 World Cup 14 Winners of thirteen years ago are now fully in their prime: Nunzio Gre, the man who lifted that trophy, is now in full control of his side, wearing the Captian's armband for the Final itself.

"We went to three Under-21 Finals in a row, and only won one of them," Nunzio said, "this is obviously a much larger scale, but we - as a team - know what it's like to both win and lose a major Final. And we don't want to lose another. Not now, not ever."

Starblaydia will line up against either Rejistania or Sarzonia, both Superpowers in the world of Football, though for different reasons. Starblaydi fans don't know who they want to meet in the Final, however, possibly because they don't know which team they'd rather avoid.

Squornshelous 1 - 2 Starblaydia
(Venegas 62) - (Tumunzahar 14, G. Lopez 77)


OOC: Thats the boring part over

"You've got me a ticket, right?"

Every jaw within earshot quickly dropped as far as was physically possible for that person. The Lord-Protector of Starblaydia, Tiberius Starblayde, just asked if someone had got him a ticket for the World Cup Final. Quite obviously, of course, no-one had bothered to at this point.

"Um." Was the only reaction the closest aide could provide.

"Typical." Tiberius reached for his inner jacket pocket of his suit and pulled out a slim-line mobile phone. He flipped open the cover and searched through his address book. Finding what he wanted, he pressed the appropriate button and held the phone to his ear.

"Simeone, there you are." People who had the Lord-Protector's mobile phone number never, ever, answered with a mere 'Hello?'. "Tell me, have you got a box or something I could share for the Final?"

...

"No, not like that," he laughed, "I mean share as in together. You're an elected President, after all, can't kick you out of your own VIP box. Okay, alright, cool. I think I'd prefer Rejistania, bit of tradition and history there to overturn, the Sarzonians would just be all about the politics. Nah, it's not boring, it's just a different way. I think if they can sort out their offensive problems then the Orange-Blues will always have a chance. No, it's still nil-nil, no-one really has the upper-hand, you're not missing anything at that game yet."

...

"Okay, talk again when we know who our opponents will be, then. Ciao El Prezidente."

Tiberius' phone bleeped and he folded it it back up, sliding that into his pocket again.

"Well then, that's one thing sorted. There'll be enough va'karela'knee thingamijigs around to protect me, thankyou very much for your concern. Now, what's on the menu for tonight's state dinner?"

[OOC: :headbang: about STILL not having beaten Rejistania yet.]

Stars stalled at familiar spot

Sarzonia have played three different opponents in four straight World Cup semifinals, defeating Bedistan and Krytenia to advance to their two World Cup finals matches. However, their other opponent has been a team they have yet to defeat in senior World Cup play: Rejistania.

That streak continued in the semifinals of World Cup XXV, though the Stars came close. They played 90 minutes of scoreless football, stringing together passes and possessing the ball much longer than Rejistania did, but they couldn't dent the scoreboard in spite of firing five "quality shots" against the Orange-Blues. With the match scoreless after 90 minutes, the teams played an extra 30.

Coach Barry Owens exorted his team to keep pressure on the Orange-Blues, yelling out "it's only a matter of time before we score on these guys," but the Orange-Blues made defender Trevor Crenshaw pay dearly for a critical mistake in his own end. Crenshaw attempted to dribble past Linux Raju, the Orange-Blues' lone forward, a play he called "boneheaded" after the match. Raju waited for Crenshaw to make his move, then knocked the ball away and fired a shot past goalkeeper Horace Sandt as the match hit the 100th minute.

With Owens out of substitutions, he could only jaw at Crenshaw as he ran past, but the Stars shifted to a desperation 3-3-4 formation in the final 20 minutes. Even though they fired nine shots in that span, none of them beat goalkeeper Siki Larada. When the final whistle sounded, the Stars all slumped to the ground whilst the Orange-Blues celebrated amongst themselves.

Following the match, Crenshaw announced he would retire after the third place match against Squornshelous, but Sandt said he would be back for "one more go at it."

"It's tough to blame Crenshaw for that," a misty-eyed Owens said after the match. "All of the guys out there fought their guts out, but we came up short. Now we're going to have to go out there to win the third place match to get something out of this World Cup."

The loss means that Sarzonia have lost twice during a World Cup campaign for the first time since the Stars lost four matches in World Cup XXI qualifying and finals. In each of the previous three World Cup efforts, the Stars had one loss. However, it should be noted that the Stars have played a team record 24 matches in this qualifying campaign so it was bound to happen. Add to that six matches in the Jeremy Jaffacake Jamboree prior to the World Cup, and the Stars have seen plenty of action Barry Owens. Though the team's record stands at an impressive 21-6-4 since he took over for Dave Wilson, this team will be known for failing to win when it mattered most.

"We had our chances, even in this match," forward Brian Wilson said. "We just didn't execute."

The Stars will be in the unlikely position of having to support Starblaydia for the World Cup title match, partly because the Starblaydis hail from the same Atlantian Oceania region the Stars do, and partly because a Rejistania win and a Stars loss would cause Sarzonia to lose the number one ranking they've held since the World Cup XXII finals. However, Sandt said the team wasn't thinking about "just yet.

"We're only thinking about one thing: Win the next match."

[OOC: :headbang: about STILL not having beaten Rejistania yet.]

FEEL MY PAIN.

Sirake Tekim: Hejida listeners from all around the world. You are listening to radio RejisCAST, now transmitting also on webstream! You might ask: Why does a rejistanian radio transmit on webstream? Well, as you hear when you listen to our stream, we compress good enough so high-speed connections in Rejistania can hear it without problems. Unfortunately this compression is not lossless so you might hear me, but surely you will not understand me! If anyone on webstream understands me, you can mail me at sitekim@RejisCAST.kvm.rj . Now after this is explained to our listeners, I can announce that we can switch to Hana Kansu, who is in the Irafma Lakeside Arena in Kaze Progressa to report about the semifinal!
Hana Kansu: Hejida listeners, hejida Sirake! Is this right about the webstream?
Sirake Tekim: Yes, it is!
Hana Kansu: But, we don't have a license for webstreaming the match report...
Sirake Tekim: Well, we do, somehow!
Hana Kansu: How?
Sirake Tekim: We asked for a license for webstreaming, the prices there are depending on used bitrate, but since our bitrate was not in the list, we asked. They told us since the bitrate is too low for comprehensible results, we can go ahead and transmit...
Hana Kansu: okay, this counts as license, I guess!
Sirake Tekim: I said so, didn't I?
Hana Kansu: You did. I just couldn't believe you!
Sirake Tekim: I fully understand that! I mean, it sounds too weird!
Hana Kansu: Indeed! Does Elin Ri* manage the webcast?
Sirake Tekim: Elin retired. His son Syku is to blame, err responsible!
Hana Kansu: Poor Syku'janek! much blame, no glory!
Sirake Tekim: Doing things with much dedication only to be blamed if something does not work exactly right is a family tradition at the Ri's.
Hana Kansu: Dedication to new and shiny technology is!
Sirake Tekim: That is basically the same!
Hana Kansu: We akri a lot todahi!
Sirake Tekim: Since we do, I can ask another question: Don't you agree that your English is at best substandard?
Hana Kansu: I do not akri here!
Sirake Tekim: Which is a slani shame!
Hana Kansu: Yes, otherwise, we both were wronh! I jus' have a majuvedan ashzent.
Sirake Tekim: An accent, which will make the non-rejistanian listeners desperate!
Hana Kansu: This disadvantage is traded-off by the fact that my voice doesn't scare little children!
Sirake Tekim: Mine doesn't as well!
Hana Kansu: Again I have to disakri!
Sirake Tekim: talk about the match before "riskinh" our jobs!
Hana Kansu: Jes, I will! The Irafma Lakeside Arena is sold out completely! The mood amonh the fans is pretty good! They are eshcited, waitinh for the match to start. Both teams play as we eshpect them to: 6-3-1 meets 4-4-2.
Sirake Tekim: The Sarzonians play 4-4-2?
Hana Kansu: No, 6-3-1,... Of course they do play 4-4-2!
Sirake Tekim: No need to be offensive!
Hana Kansu: I guess beinh away from the va'karela'ny of my home does that to me!
Sirake Tekim: Maybe... you should order a va'karela!
Hana Kansu: For Sarzonia, the lineup is as follows: Goalie is Horace Sandt, defenders are Mike Coyle, Kenny Houlder, Brian Sandt and Trevor Crenshaw, midfielders are: Henrik Bastale, Jenna Raven, Jarret Sanderson and "Dix" Porter. Forwards are: Brian Wilson as well as Kenny Cooper.
Sirake Tekim: Are Brian Sandt and Horace Sandt related?
Hana Kansu: They indeed are. They are brothers. As a nice fact, Rejistania also had brothers in the World Cup Qualifiers team once: Myk and Inik Linkosa in World Cup 10.
Sirake Tekim: And who plays for Rejistania in the semifinal in World Cup 25?
Hana Kansu: I can tell you that: Goalie is Siki Larada, defenders are Kansu I Kansu, Kiira Isilyi, Nika~o H~saldu, Vejin Jara, Xixi Ita, Iasin Sala and Verise Lati. Midfielders are Sines Exke, "SeKa" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu and Kiru Kansu. The forward is Linux Raju.
Sirake Tekim: Siki Larada plays?
Hana Kansu: Yes. No, I don't understand it either. I mean, I have an idea, but it is not sane.
Sirake Tekim: This is nothing new from you! Tell me!
Hana Kansu: Well, maybe Hatime I Ra~e had a vision seeing Siki play in the semifinal and so decided for him.
Sirake Tekim: Okay, this is no sane idea! But to be honest, I know no better one!

{15th minute}
Hana Kansu: This is not lookinh good, not at all!
Sirake Tekim: then tell us what is happening!
Hana Kansu: It was more about the general situation. The Stars have some good chances and the pressinh from the rejistanians is not workinh as good as against other opponents. The Stars had this one chance in the match already. They attack like on tailan drugs. till now, the rejistanian defense stands stronh, but I fear that the Orange-Blues will concede.

{45th minute}
Hana Kansu: This is the end of the first half, the match was a dominated by neither side. The database shows more possession for the Stars, but possession doesn't matter, goals do and the Orange-Blues can prevent them from happeninh very well! The shcore is still 0:0!
Sirake Tekim: And, believe it or not, we have emails from listeners! Here is a mail from one of the millions of Syku Kansu's: "Hejida Sirake, hejida Hana! I am listning to this webradio from Allanea, where I am working as programmer for embedded systems. Your webradio works far better than expected and is for me the only way to get some World Cup information. Syku Ri did a great job! But how does he condense the stream into that low bitrate?" Well, Syku,he explained to us that he limits the frequncies so much that the human brain invents parts of the required frequencies. A trick, which was used in very early telephone lines.
Hana Kansu: one day, Syku will sell this idea and become very rich!
Sirake Tekim: He does not believe in selling ideas.
Hana Kansu: I do not sa~e that he is silly, he does have stronh opinions related intelectual property however.
Sirake Tekim: Indeed. We have another mail from Monetistan: "Hejida Hana, hejida Sirake! I am writing from Monetistan, here your station is the only way to listen to World cup reports unless you pay a small fortune for PayTV-sports channels. Great job! Greetings, Salamenetara Ikaru-Niniseneminihala!"

{90+2nd minute}
Hana Kansu: The regular time ends now. I suspect the Sarzonians will call the chances they had great, but I do not akri with this. No team had chances which had to result in a goal. The rejistanian counter-attacks were rather predictable and the Stars somehow could not finish. This match will go into extra time!
Sirake Tekim: Great! This will continue to be an exciting karelan match!
Hana Kansu: Indeed. The shcore is still 0:0 and I guess the team, who'll shcore next will win!

{99th minute}
Hana Kansu: Crenshaw'he intercepted this pass, tries to get the ball out of the dangerzone, but there is Linux. Crenshaw'he tries to get past Raju'he, but wow! Raju gets the ball, shoots! XXXXXXXXKKKKKKKKKKKKKKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! This is the 1:0! This is the 1:0 in the 100th minute of the match! now defend as if your life depends on it!

{120+1st minute}
Hana Kansu: This is the end of the match, the Rejistanians played the entire Extra-time after the 1:0 in a 10-0-0, not allowing any chances despite the Stars played an attackinh 3-3-4! The Rejistanians are in the final! Back to KaMaRi I need to celebrate and get high!
Sirake Tekim: Not so quick! Who will be our opponent in the final?
Hana Kansu: Shtar'la~edija!
Sirake Tekim: Starblaydia?
Hana Kansu: Yeah!
Sirake Tekim: I remember them as newbies! What has this world come to?
Hana Kansu: Your retirement?
Sirake Tekim: I could retire anytime, I just do this job because I like it.
Hana Kansu: Well, we get back to KaMaRi and while I celebrate you can think how old you became!

*OOC: Elin Ri was a character in previous RejisCAST RPs. A technician, who unfortunately had to help out as moderator and nearly went desperate doing everything at once.

Pschychoes to Miss Out Again

Squornshelous ends up with their third loss in four semifinal appearances
The men in red and black lost their perfect record against Starblaydia as well as their shot at winning the World Cup. Once again, the attack was stagnant, stalled out by a Starblaydian defense that was very effective at intercepting key passes. the 90 minutes were full of frustrating turnovers for the Pschychoes, and at the end of the day, the score stood 2-1 against Squornshelous, with our only goal scored by Antonio Venegas. And so, we now find ourselves matched up against Sarzonia in the third place match. This will certainly be a difficult match to win. Despite the Pschychoes superb record against higher ranked teams, the spark driving them forward has been extinguished, and playing for "best of the rest" may not prove motivation enough for our side. Squornshelous previously has an even record in third place matches, with a 2-1 loss to Iansisle in World Cup 18 after losing to Kaze Progressa in the Semi, and a 2-1 win over Rejistania, who have made this Cup's finals and are probably favored by many to win their fifth cup, after a 5-3 defeat in the semis at the hands of Audioslavia. An interesting little fact that our previous two semifinal losses came against the two hosts of this cup. Our only Semifinal win came in World Cup 25 against The Eagles Nest, a match that was played in Eauz. Taking this information into account, should Squornshelous ever find itsself in a World Cup Semifinal in the future, which we certainly hope will happen many times over, we must refuse to play if the match is at all associated with Audioslavia or Kaze Progressa.

"Exactly, laddie." The third guest, Khim Azanulbizarn (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Khim_Azanulbizarn), perched on the edge of the couch said, "An' Starblaydia have got all the tools they need."

"Who are Starblaydia's key players," Trey asked, "specifically in regards to getting past those Karelan players?"

"Menecrates (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Menecrates), for one." Khim rearranged his beard as Lue nodded his approval, "I know ye expect meh to say Zhorin (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Zhorin_Tumunzahar) first but its Menny who's the key. He'll have all the protection he needs from Alejo Cuevo to hold off the Rejistanian midfield, and he'll be able to use them dancing feet of his to create things for those around him."

"That is right," Lue'he said, "isolate the defence and make them suport the midfieldlers, then exploit the gaps. Difficult, it is, but wuseful."

"Well," Trey looked at the camera once more, "here's the Rejistanian team for the final, as far as we know. Any surprises or shocks there?"


*
Larada

* * * * * *
Kansu Isilyi H~saldu Jara Sala Lati

* * *
Exke 'SeKa' Syku

*
Raju


"Only that Kanavan has been replaced in goal," Bentley said, "other than that it's as they were throughout the tournament. Starblaydia, on the other hand, as stronger than ever."

http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/StarWC25.jpg

"There's quality all over the pitch," Bentley continued, "with a mixture of youth, experience and that all-important Golden Generation (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Golden_Generation_of_Starblaydi_Football)."

"It's their last chance for a World Cup, by and large," Trey noted, and as we're now out of time, I'll just ask you all for a simple answer: Who's going to win World Cup Twenty-Five?"

"Starblaydia." David Bentley said.

"Vaxiriva-Ethana," Tuade Lue said, "on penalties."

"Starblaydia, laddie." Khim Azanulbizarn said.

"Three out of Three," Trey said, "just. We'll see you in Kaze Progressa for the Final, and good luck to everyone, whether in purple, white, orange, blue, or any combination."

Hatime I Ra~e liked being liked but he knew that the current mood towards him will change if the final would be lost. He already called Siki Rej for tactical advise and looked at Hexatux's predictions. Both was not too encouraging as he interpreted the results. Suddenly he had an idea: He went to the phone and dialed a long number, which he only rememberred because it had his birthdate in it. "Lue here" said a voice.
"Hejida Lue'he, here is I Ra~e'he!" replied the national coach.
"How do you know this number?"
"From my SLS R times! The manager talked to you about player transfers or the like and I once noted the number in his office and asked why he noted my birthday!"
"Oh, this is a weird coincidence!" Lue'he laughed.
"Indeed! I am assuming you know something about the next opponent I do not!"
"Why do you assume so?"
"Starblaydia is not exactly the nation, having much information on Rejistania! So you are a source of news."
"Well, you are not even wrong. But why do you ask? You want me to betray Starblaydia?"
"Not exactly betray... just to... even the chances a bit..."
"You mean... 'for the simu of the nation'?"
"Yes."
"Starblaydia is also a nation, I belong to. Do not make me unloyal to one of my home nations!"
"You are unloyal to Rejistania if you do not help us!"
"Intik!" said Lue'he and hung up.
This evening, Hatime I Ra~e received a mail sent through an anomymizer containing simply encrypted information about the Starblaydian team! He entered it into Hexatux and noted that the orders and projections changed.

Campeones! Campeones! Ole, Ole, Ole!
Purple Haze Covers Kaza as Starblaydia Win World Cup 25

Two simple words: We won

The World didn't really expect it. Despite the occasional predicition that Starblaydia would somehow manage to make the final, no-one outside Starblaydia and Tuade Lue really thought the perennial under-acheivers and Dark Horses (TM) would have a chance. Even a certain Krytenian who is now on his way to the deed poll office to change his name to Rameses didn't think it would happen.

But it has, and Starblaydia are Kings of the World. The Golden Generation of Starblaydi has come to fruition, and a little piece of sporting history has just been made. Now, as, ever for these occasions, we hand over to the not-so-dynamic duo of Starblaydia's premier commentary pair, Sven Motsonsson and Trefor Trefor, to guide you through the highlights of the one-hundred and twenty minutes (Yes, it went to Extra Time).

'Welcome, everyone, to Kaza, the Capital City of Kaze Progressa, here in FIFA. I'm Sven Motsonsson, and beside me is Trefor Trefor, who will be analysing all the action from this incredibly-exciting Final to come. It's the Dark Horses Starblaydia, against the four-time Champions and giants of the game, Rejistania.'

...

'Starblaydia have sung the national anthem, Starblaydia Triumphant, with much gusto, and now the players are into their huddle. Such good team spirit this side have, with a number of them coming from that excellent Under-Twenty-One World Cup-winning side of some thirteen years ago. Nunzio Gre, there, psyching up his players, just as he's done for these last six matches here in Kaze Progressa.'

...

'And we're under way, the twenty-fifth World Cup Final has begun. Starblaydia, in their customary white-and-purple, are kicking from right to left. Their opponents, the four-time Champions Rejistania, are in their usual orange-and-blue for which the team are named. Can you pronounce that in Rejistanian, Trefor? Hehe, I didn't think so.'

...

'Rejistania's customary Six-Three-One is certainly keeping Starblaydia at bay here, Trefor, its been nearly fifteen minutes and I can barely remember either Tumunzahar or Raphaelo having a touch of the ball. It's the same, however, for Linux Raju, as he's been expertly kept under control by Gre and Hernandez. But wait, here's Cherry Garcia, she's given Lati the slip, gets to the by-line for the cross, a low one inside to Tumunzahar, lays it back for Menecrateeees! Great save by Larada! The first real chance of the game, from Menecrates, and Visnu Kanavan has pulled off a great reaction save to deny the Corinthian Spirits' Captain.'

...

'Sink~hil Syku, creating good play in midfield. Outside to Exke, its down the line for Lati... a one-two with Raju and Lati's in the box... Goal! Rejistania have scored! Garahildim, the right-back, was undone by the Orange-Blue passing and Lati fired it across the face of goal. Angelos Prokopsis was counting on his near post and the ball flww in past his desparing hands and into the back of the net. Rejistania one, Starblaydia nil, and what's the betting it'll be ten behind the ball for the next hour?'

...

'Half-Time, then, here in Kaza and Starblaydia have been like a white tide, breaking against the Rejistanian nine- or ten-man cliff face for the last ten minutes, desperate to pull things level, but to no avail yet.'

One-nil to the Rejistanians at Half-Time. Starblaydia had tried and tried and were almost resorting to pot-shots from 40 yards, such was the indefatigability of the defending put up by Rejistania. As the teams came out for the second half, Starblaydia were one Dwarf down: Danzir Garahildim had been substituted, and Starblaydi fans cheered one of their heroes as Itechton Matranga came on in his place, with Starblaydia switching to a very attack-minded 3-5-2.

'Just look at the white shirts flooding forward, and its only a few minutes into the second half. Matranga's appearance has completely changed the nature of this game, he and Menecrates are dominating everywhere from Starblaydia's goal line all the way up to the Rejistanian Penalty Area, which they are defending as if their lives depended on it! Matranga chips it in for Raphaelo, who heads it down at the feet of Zhorin Tumunzahar! Over the bar!'

'Buathiang, with the free kick from twenty-five yards, on the right-hand side. Left-footed... cannons back of the post! Tumunzahar follows up... deflected wide! Look at this incredible attacking play by Starblaydia! If Rejistania weren't true masters of this Karela system, they'd be dead and buried by now!'

...

'Yet another attacking change from Starblaydia, here, Nikola Lazerevski is throwing everything at the Rejistanians to win this match. 'Attack means defeat', they say in Rejistania, but without attack, how can there be victory? This time it's Giovanni Lopez coming on, this time Raymundo Hernandez has been sacrified. So Starblaydia are after a sort-of 2-1-3-1-3. Let us see if we can sort this out:'

1
Prokopsis

*5* 3
Gre L Lopez

4
Cuevo

7 16 11
Garcia Matranga Buathiang

8
Menecrates

17 9 10
G Lopez Tumunzahar Raphaelo

'Its a funny formation, Trefor, but when you're one-nil down in a World Cup Final, that's the time to throw the kitchen sink at the opposition. How else does one deal with everyone-behind-the-ball than to throw nearly everyone at the oppoisiton's goal?'

...

'Less than ten minutes to go and even the Rejistani fans are nervous, they're under seige here, Starblaydia have been hammering away at this door for nearly an hour, and so far Karela has held them off. Cuevo now, he's only being half-shadowed by Raju near that centre-circle. Out wide to Garica. Down the line to Giovanni Lopez but he's smothered but Orange shirts. What a lovely piece of skill, though, he's come away with the ball, he's in the area, being closed down... lays it back to Menecrates! It's there! Starblaydia have equalised and the stadium is going absolutely wild! I think Menecrates is under that pile of players somewhere but Starblaydia have scored in the World Cup Final, with something like eight minutes to go! What an incredible turn of events, Trefor!'

...

'Just look at this, Rejistania are running scared! They were holding out for the one-nil win, but now I think their doctrine dictates to go to penalties, something Starblaydia just won't like at all. Raphaelo goes for glory...! Saved well by Larada, held it beautifully there.'

...

'Can Starblaydia snatch it here in the last moments of Normal Time? No, they can't, the whistle has gone and both teams seem to think they can win this. Starblaydia want to do it within half an hour, while the Rejistanians just need to hold out for those thirty minutes and they know they'll have the edge on penalty-kicks, as Starblaydia are usually awful at them, to be completely honest.'

So, 1-1 at Full Time, but Starblaydia were on the up. Just one more change was required, that of Surachai Buathiang,the thirty-one year-old, being replaced by some fresher legs, those of twenty-four year-old Reynaldo of the Streetian club Laf'goh'lith K'druz'ba. And with that, the first period of Extra Time came and went with two cagey sides making sure they didn't lose the match in those first fifteen minutes. Had Starblaydia just gone serious, or Karelan? The answer was decided in the second period of Extra Time.

'One last fifteen-minute drive for both sets of players before the dreaded penalty kicks. Can anyone win honour and glory for their nation in this next Quarter-hour? Starblaydia's mass of travelling fans have sung the Starblaydi national anthem one last time, and they'll lose their voices and go hoarse before they stop singing.'

...

'Reynaldo, takes a lovely cross-field ball from Menecrates, he's been phoenomenal tonight. Tries to, no, Reynaldo loses it on the wing, and here come Rejistania! They're surging forward, with Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu, lobs it up toward the area for Raju, but its met by the head of Gre! What an intervention! The Starblaydi Captain seems to be injured, however, from making that clearance. Oh dear, you can see from the replay that he's headed the ball away just as Linux Raju has taken a swing at it. That's a nasty cut on the Captain's head, and he's off the pitch for the moment, receiving treatment. That might need sitches, I think.'

...

'Back on comes Nunzio Gre, his head bandaged up and listen to the cheer from the Starblaydi fans, they love him here, despite the fact he plays for a Rejistanian club, no less. Menecrates, on the right. Nicked inside to Matranga, back out to Menecrates. He's forced out wide by the defence, knocking it it Garcia. Cherry Garcia, takes a touch towards the line and sprints away! She's left Lati for dead once again and whips in a cross that's met by the head of GIOVANNI LOPEZ! STARBLAYDIA HAVE SCORED! Lopez with a brilliant diving header from seven yards out! He's taken Starblaydia into the lead for the first time in the whole match! Nearly two hours of football and Starblaydia are Two-One up! Just look at these incredible scenes, here! Look, there, in the crowd, Lord Tiberius Starblayde and Simeone Di Bradini jumping around like loons! As Starblaydia are only five minutes away from becoming World Champions!'

...

'That's it! Starblaydia have won the World Cup! The staff and players are streaming onto the pitch and they've done it! Incredible, unbelievable! Forty years since Nikola Lazerevski started the World Cup road for World Cup 15, and he's now guided the team - as manager - to the ultimate prize!'


Starblaydia are Champions of the World!


Rejistania 1 - 2 Starblaydia
After Extra Time (FT, 1-1)
(Lati 37) - (Menecrates 82, G. Lopez 114)

Congratulations to Starblaydia!

OOC: I would also like to extend my congratulations to Starblaydia. I also think a big thanks is in order to Kaze Progressa who ran a lot of this WC by themselves. In all, this was a well run WC by a pair of good hosts, and it produced many outstanding matches.

Owens, Stars 'lose it' after losing match

Neither team wanted to be here. The Sarzonian national football team took on Squornshelous in the undercard for the World Cup finals between Starblaydia and Rejistania. The third placed match pitted two sides that had aspirations for advancing much further than the semifinals of the World Cup. However, the Stars really seemed to play a dispirited match and, according to assistant coach Cal Trottier, the team "was damned lucky" not to have lost by more than the 2-0 final scoreline of Squornshelous's victory to take third place in World Cup XXV.

Coach Barry Owens refused to address the media after the match, sending Trottier out to do the honours. He was too busy "rearranging the locker room," according to team sources. According to one player, Owens was getting in guys' faces," one player said. "As far as Coach is concerned, we mailed in that result. And you saw what happened," he said, pointing out the disheveled appearance of the locker room.

"We were bitterly disappointed to be playing in the third placed match," Trottier said. "Having said that, Barry was incensed over the team's effort -- or lack thereof -- in that match. We played like we didn't care."

The Stars to a man admitted that the Psychoes outworked them in the match.

"That might be the first time we've ever been outworked in a match," goalkeeper Horace Sandt said. Sandt was on the bench as goalkeeper Harvey Cooley started with the team's dreams of winning a world championship long since ended.

"It's back to the drawing board," Sandt said, noting that the team's retention of the world's number one ranking was "cold comfort."

"We don't deserve that ranking," he said.

"Hetaki'sono'ta" was what the rejistanian fans chanted after this match: Attack does not lose (matches). The Rejistanians would normally say that the rules of Karela were not applied correctly, but this time, the Karela was applied well, the players were the best defenders of all Rejistania. If they can not defend a lead, who can? Hundreds of millions of Rejistanians assembled in front of karelan temples and the different governmental buildings. The karelans tried to defend by usage of military-grade va'karela'ny, but this made the Rejistanian population only want to defend against their government. people did not attack the government anymore, they just sat down and let no one in or out. For days, the governmental buildings and karelan temples remained cut off from the world. Then, the central government of Rejistania gave in: they announced free, fair and central elections within 2 weeks.

THE BIG 32 PREVIEW
Daniel Wheldon writes

Starblaydia
Potential champions, according to their own fans. If they win it, I will officially change my name to Rameses Niblick III.

thsd:NEWS
Well, They DID Win...
By Rameses Niblick III at the Deed Poll Office, Everton City

WELL, congratulations to the Men In Mauve. Starblaydia are deserved champions, and played impeccably on the way to the trophy.

Me and my big mouth.

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

SVECIA SAYS GOODBYE TO WORLD CUP
Performance in finals not a factor says Matt de Fijts, financial, time constraints cited


-Svecikans cried on the street today as their greatest source of national pride came to an end today in Vilämna as the Svecikan Voetbal Bund (SVB) voted not to continue their world cup participation.

Head coach Matt de Fijts, looking to be distraught, said the organizations vote was "not based on our recent performance in the finals." Svecia has failed to advance past the second round since World Cup 13 when the Lightning lost to Lemmitania 3-1 in the quarterfinals.

Always a fixture in the finals, Svecia had recently become known more as a finals walkover rather than a powerhouse. In qualifying, however, the opposite was true: Svecia had failed to advance to the finals in only 3 of their 23 World Cups, making them one of the most successful teams in World Cup appearances.

Growing to be one of the world´s more recognized teams, Svecia first broke onto the scene back in World Cup 3 when the tournament consisted of only a handful of the teams it does now. But although Svecia made a good showing by winning not both their qualifying group and finals group in their first ever appearance, it wasnt until their performance in World Cup 5 that Svecia was finally recognized as a power. It was then that the Lightning broke through the international scene with some high-profile upsets leading to a 3rd place finish.

Two cups later, it was again the Svecikans who defied everyone´s bets and was only stopped by Spaam on penalties in the semifinals, before once again taking third place against Bedistan.

But after that, Svecia never returned to their peak and since then have not finished farther than the quarterfinals finish in World Cup 13.

Svecikan fans were always a fixture at the finals and added much color and noise to the atmosphere. The chants, heckling, bright colors, and shear numbers seemed to give Svecia a home field advantage in every World Cup game. Svecikans took great pride in their national team, and the players loved it.

But recently the SVB had come under financial trouble and increased pressure from the public to finish farther in the finals. A month ago, the SVB declared bankrupcy and no buyer stepped up to help the floundering organization. The public went mad, but in this socialist state not even the governement, usually so supportive of the national team, could afford to bail out the team.

There is no word yet of a possible revival but there is always hope.

And so, Svecia would like to thank all the past and present hosts of the tournaments for running great shows and for giving Svecia the opportunity to show its better side to the world. Everyone in this country truely enjoyed themselves during the past 23 tournaments. We just wish we could have done better.-





ooc-seriously, i wish i still had time to do all this, but i enjoyed it anyway. thanks!


Hej då!
Tot ziens!
Bis später!

LGP: "Bill? You heard this?"

BP: "Uhuh."

LGP: "Starblaydia? Former World Champions? When did that happen?"

BP: "No idea. Although I did go to see a psychic after I heard it, and they said that they might do it in World Cup 29."

LGP: "But it's only World Cup 25."

BP: "Yeah, well. Psychics said that NEWI Cefn Druids would win World Cup 42, and we all know how stupid that sounds now, don't we?"

LGP: "Suppose. Do you think we should tell the Tadjiks that it hasn't happened yet?"

BP: "Nah. I think it's kinda funny that they can't get their modern sporting history right!"

Bahrom Sadirov: I was right!

For the Tadjiks the World Cup ended a couple days ago, going down after penalties against Sarzonia, but not for Bahrom Sadirov who saw his main rivals during the qualifications go on to the finals and win.

Bahrom remembers all the comment he received when he said Starblaydia were World Champions and there's still some unfinished bussiness for him. Now, with the winners of World Cup 25 known, Bahrom contacted the TNFF and made this public statement:

'It may have sounded strange at the time and I can understand that people found my words to be incorrect. But he who laughs last, laughs best, Starblaydia are now officially World Champions. I already told everyone but noone would believe me.

I would advise some of those who critisized me to get a new psychic or better, take a Tadjik coach for such predictions. This just proves the Tadjiks are the best around.
Congrats to the Starblaydians and think of what I said, next time you look at that trophy.'


OOC: Well done Kaze Progressa