NationStates Jolt Archive

Hampton, Bedistan, 0300 hours:

James and Kelvin didn't like their new job. They'd only been doing it for a few weeks, but already they were fed up of putting the posters onto advertisement hordings. However, what was strange was having to get up in the middle of the night to put one up. Usually, they'd do it in the day time. Why, that'd make sense.

"So, what does it say?

"Well, it's just a load of Ks and Ds."

"And how many do we have to put up?"

"Twelve. Right in the city centre."

"And this is being done all across Bedistan, you say?"

"That's what they said."

"This is weird. Very weird."



Vancouver, Hockey Canada, 0700:

Druida Hockey Fan #1 is late for work again. And drunk again. But, hey, he doesn't mind. If he'd've returned home, he'd've been sober by now, and that would've made life so dull.

He fell down the stairs and out of the door. He looked up, to see that the poster that had previously been advertising beer across the road was now completely covered only by the letters K and D.

"It's probably just the drink," he thought to himself, as he stumbled to the bus stop. But there, on the side of the bus, were the letters K and D again.

Obviously, he wasn't the only one who was wondering what the hell was going on. Looking around, people were pointing at the letters, and wondering what the hell it all meant. Is it government propaganda? A new beer? Aliens?



Vanguard, Fmjphoenix, 0830

Mystery message confuses public

Mass confusion has ensued across Fmjphoenix, after a series of messages containing only the letters 'D' and 'K' have been reported as being received all across Fmjphoenix.

The messages have been received in various forms, ranging from posters to e-mails, and have been increasing in their numbers over the past few days. However, no-one has yet claimed reponsibility for the phenomenon.

We will report more on this story as soon as more news comes in.



Soberity City, Druida, 1200

Bill Posters: "Hello, and welcome to the headquarters of the DFA here in Soberity City, Druida's sober capital city. We're here today to draw the teams for the qualifying rounds for the twenty-fourth edition of the World Cup.

First, though, a quick review of the qualifying format. There will be twelve (12) groups of eight (8) teams, from which the top two from each group will travel to the World Cup finals. The third placed teams will be entered into a play-off round over two legs, with the winner of each play-off reaching the final.

Play-off match-ups will be in group order, i.e. Group 1 v Group 2, with the side that scores the least points in each pairing playing at home first. We thought we'd tell you that now so there's definately no fixing ass to who plays who in the play-offs later.

And now, over a number of minutes, pot by pot, the draw!

Group 1
Turori [5] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350299&postcount=2)
Nova Britannicus [23] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355486&postcount=22)
The Lowland Clans[40] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352461&postcount=14)
Pedriana [69]
Milchama [93] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353054&postcount=16)
Dauna Hills [147]
System Karela [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9376288&postcount=30)
Liverpoolian [-]

Group 2
Liverpool England [8]
Lovisa [14] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9440853&postcount=56)
Liamist States [33]
Bipedal Apes [57] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9459767&postcount=62)
Clavis [98] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9416946&postcount=51)
Dedostan [147]
Zanziik [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9374444&postcount=27)
Fart Islands [-]

Group 3
Total n Utter Insanity [13]
Tadjikistan [21] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9359273&postcount=24)
Lethislavania [28]
Spruitland [50] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9411458&postcount=46)
Lox Land Island [114] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9467708&postcount=63)
New Montreal States [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9392578&postcount=41)
Shearer Heaven[-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9406436&postcount=45)
Taken Names [-]

Group 4
Starblaydia [6] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350382&postcount=6)
Fmjphoenix [25] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9370994&postcount=26)
Harlesburg [34] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9481425&postcount=65)
Finrods [56]
Tallionis [130] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351816&postcount=11)
Geisenfried [133]
Naleloospalakintula [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9385345&postcount=36)
Prince Aidan [-]

Group 5
One Red Dot [10]
Five Civilized Nations [26]
Kipto-Mare [44]
Sonaron [48]
Casari [111] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9380821&postcount=34)
Yafor 2 [138] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9388641&postcount=37)
Nanakaland [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9376692&postcount=31)
Greecedonia [-]

Group 6
Oaker [9]
Cockbill Street [20] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9435575&postcount=54)
Chicanada [29] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9486007&postcount=66)
Praying2God [73] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9445616&postcount=60)
Hurfordia [92] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9412662&postcount=48)
Limbrogidlia [138] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9469775&postcount=64)
The South Packerlands [-]
Nobbsinia [-]

Group 7
Crystilakere [4] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9441103&postcount=57)
Jeruselem [24] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9380810&postcount=33)
Haperd [45]
Hypocria [54] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353397&postcount=18)
Ruventsoria [82] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9358487&postcount=23)
Klakistany [164] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350324&postcount=5)
0-0 Is Evil [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9366376&postcount=25)
Southern Manchester [-]

Group 8
Sarzonia [1] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351498&postcount=9)
Commerce Heights [16] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9426225&postcount=53)
Kylaai [27]
Caprine States [51]
Scorthona [114] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9419540&postcount=52)
Chileany [162]
Brazillico [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352364&postcount=13)
Disjoepia [-]

Group 9
Squornshelous [12] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351520&postcount=10)
EL CID THE HERO [19] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355220&postcount=20)
Nedalia [42] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9441544&postcount=58)
Oliverry [62] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350484&postcount=7)
Tonissia [84]
Trianland [138] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9486767&postcount=67)
Palixia [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9382085&postcount=35)
Groba [-]

Group 10
Rejistania [2] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9354742&postcount=19)
Eauz [15]
Wella [35]
Spaam [47]
Kaze Progressa [83] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352960&postcount=15)
The Archregimancy [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9394875&postcount=42)
Pop (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9389143&postcount=38)puli [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9389166&postcount=39)
Jewish Citizens [-]

Group 11
Bedistan [3] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355270&postcount=21)
Audioslavia [18] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351150&postcount=8)
Bettia [41] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9398152&postcount=43)
Kericia [52]
San-Lorenzo [98] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9443051&postcount=59)
Kurumada [138]
PopularFreedom [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9416733&postcount=50)
Viszonia [-]

Group 12
Vilita [11] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350300&postcount=3)
Svecia [22]
Hockey Canada [39] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9398293&postcount=44)
Oglethorpia [53] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9392503&postcount=40)
Elrich [121] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353258&postcount=17)
Liamopolis-Liamton [147]
The Jam Doughnut [-] (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9440602&postcount=55)
Righteous Beliefs [-]


Fixtures:

Matchday 1: 1v5, 2v6, 3v7, 4v8.
Matchday 2: 5v4, 6v1, 7v2, 8v3.
Matchday 3: 1v7, 2v8, 3v5, 4v6.
Matchday 4: 5v2, 6v3, 7v4, 8v1.
Matchday 5: 1v2, 3v4, 5v7, 6v8.
Matchday 6: 2v3, 1v4, 7v6, 8v5.
Matchday 7: 1v3, 4v2, 5v6, 7v8.

Fixtures are reversed for matchdays 8-14.

Relevant links:

WCXXIV Scores Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=438730)
WCXXIV Roster thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435169) - A resource to use to reference your opposition's players. Please use, otherwise what's the point?
World Cup discussion thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=293066) - for all your OOC needs!
The Pre WC24: KD/DK Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435178) - the story so far.

...and so that concludes the draw. We wish you all the best over the coming fourteen games, and we hope you all have fun!"

The A.F.A. Headquarters, Soundgardia. The head of the F.A. William Branston has gathered the usual rabble in his office. It is that time again to make The Decision. The Decision that will shape Audioslavian football for at least the next four years. With William is the president of the 'Audioslavian National League' James Stuart, the president of the 'Audioslavian County Championships' Didi Romanov (the ex Audioslavia full back), the sports minister Jonsi Torrini (the Melmondian who had a spell at Cornellby City, and whos son now plays for the 'slaves) and the F.A. Chairman, and ex Audioslavia striker, Daniel Bracken. They are all here to decide who should be the next manager of the Audioslavian national football team

William: Well. Lets get things started shall we?

Daniel: What? The pizza isnt here yet...

William: We can talk while we wait...

Didi: Talk while hungry?

William: Yes 'Didi', talk while we're waiting for the pizza. Right. What we are looking for is... how shall i put this....

James: The Arrival

William: Well put James. 'The Arrival'

James: 'The Arrival' of a man who can change Audioslavia's fortunes.

William: Yes, perfect. 'The Arrival' of a man who can change the shape of our futures

James: The Arrival of a man who can put the Audioslavian national team back on the map, and back in the top five where it belongs.

William: The Arrival of a man who can take the best of the present crop...

James: The Arrival of a man who can make this crop better than the past crop

William: The Arrival of a man who can build the template for future crops...

Daniel: and The Arrival....

The group look at Daniel, awaiting his effort of a grossly over-dramatic line to describe what a new Audioslavian manager could do for the country

Daniel: ...of a man...

Expectations grow. William smiles. He feels he has finally got his no-brain ex-footballer chairman to get in the swing of things. William had always loved to use glossy, sickeningly romanticised pap to describe things in the context of football, but Daniel never did. Perhaps because he felt that making football into poetry goes some way to nullifying the tribal, war-like associations that football has, which is really the very essence of football and shouldn't be tarnished with romanticised pap. Perhaps he didn't use such flowery language because he prefered to use the language of business; straightforward, no frills, exact language to ensure the best results. Equally though, perhaps it was because Danny's vocabulary stretched to about fifty words, of which 'Ug' was the shortest and 'Pepperoni' was the longest.

Daniel: ...who can...

William closes his eyes. He thinks about how Daniel's next words can take him into his 'happy happy football love place', where he can wade in the flowers of his sickeningy honey-glossed language and watch Audioslavian players scoring goal after goal while groups of Rejistanians, Crystilakerians and Vilitans are tortured in the background and made to scream the words 'i admit it! we cheated! Audioslavia are the best!' over and over again. Yes, yes, this is it, take me there Daniel... bring it to me baby...

Daniel: A man who can deliver the pizza

a cheer eminates from the ex-footballer side of the table. The 'my daddy owns a football club and got me a job in the F.A.' side of the table looks on. William looks on with a face like a fifteen year old boy, having sex for the first time, being made to pull out of his girlifriend before the Point of No Return by his mother.

Didi: Yeah!

Jonsi: Wooh!

William: ENOUGH!

William bangs his fist on the table. The group are silenced immediately

William: ENOUGH ABOUT THE FURRRRRRHHHHHKIN PIZZA

Didi: But how long is it gonna beeeeeee

Daniel: About ten inches i should think.

Didi: In which direction?

Daniel: ....all of them

William: SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU.

James: We do need to crack on with this...

William: Yes. Thankyou James.

Jonsi, Didi and Daniel hang their heads slightly. Jonsi's stomach rumbles

William: Right. The new Audioslavian manager. Any ideas?

Daniel: Well...

William: Daniel.. yes.. go..

Daniel: How about...

William: Yes Daniel, who...

Daniel: Ah! Thats it, i've got the perfect person for the job!

William: Yes! Who?

Daniel: Why don't we appoint Mr...

Didi: THE PIZZAS HERE!

The three ex footballers all leap to their feet, forgetting everything. It was Pizza Time, and all was well in the world. William sits there, dumbfounded. How the fuck did he get to be in this mess? He sighs. He would have to get a new manager all by himself, without the help of any kind of Audioslavian 'authority'.

---

William Branston was pissed off. He was as pissed off as a tramp who'd stubbed his toe on a vending machine. He was as pissed off as the pope would be if he found out his chief aide was a Rangers fan. He was as pissed off as God would be at the idea that His divine hand would do something such as help a dumpy little Argentine cheat in the game that His Divineness himself had created. He knew he was as pissed off as an Audioslavian would be in a world chock-a-block with no pizza, and that was pissing him off too. As Didi, Daniel and Jonsi tucked into their extra large Pepperoni and gulped down their 'World Cup Juice'* William made a short excuse to James and proceeded to leave the room, the building, the city and finally, by way of a chartered flight to Lemmitania, the country.

William didn't like the plane. It was cramped, he reckoned it was Lemmitanian-made so that made it at least eighty years old, and it smelled of poor people. Plus, they were selling World Cup Juice. William HATED World Cup Juice. He felt its existence did nothing but mock his beloved 'slaves. In fact, he was entirely right. 'World Cup Juice' was manufactured a few years ago. It is modelled on the average Audioslavian world cup run. It starts off tasting awful, but gets better the more you drink it until just before you finish and you're expecting to be left with a cup, all you get is a taste of sour grapes and the phrase 'Please deposit this cup in a Vilitan, Rejistanian or Crystilakerian bottle bank. Thankyou for drinking World Cup Juice, please try again'. imprinted on the bottom. It mocked Audioslavian football, and William believed it was mocking him also. He'd heard that, in Rejistania, they also had World Cup Juice. There version was different though. The juice tasted as dull as dishwater, but at least at the end you got a big shiny star at the bottom the cup, complete with the words 'please affix to shirt'. William had also heard that Sarzonian World Cup Juice was manufactured to taste of nothing so that you didn't notice you were drinking it until you're looking at the bottom of the cup and reading a notice saying 'yep, you get to keep the cup. well done'. That happens just before you collapse, blissfully aware that it was 80% proof all along. Insanician World Cup Juice would theoretically be the same, but as well as collapsing in a drunken stupor, hell would freeze over, every day in the month turn into a Sunday, the pope would take part in an orange march, the moon would turn blue and the cows would come home.

Wha? Where was I? Oh yeah, William on the plane.

"Barman? i'd like a drink". William was drunk. In between Soundgardia and the Auden International Airport he had been tucking into his flask of brandy. That, coupled with the pint of lager from the airport bar, threesomed with the seven whiskeys he'd had on the plane and full-on gangbanged with his complete inability to take his alcohol, had made William as drunk as a skunk in Ireland. During St. Patrick's day. "ffssh Barman!?!" he repeated. There was no barman, there was no bar. All there was was a slightly irritated Vilitan trolley-dolly trying to sell him some coffee. "Coffee?!" William exclaimed, looking up at both the trolley dollies. They were both called Mauritus and looked exactly the same. Interesting.
"I can't drink furrrrkhen Coffee, give me a Jamesons. Double. Neat. On the stones."
"Rocks" replied Mauritus. "On Rocks". William sat back and grinned. "Yes" he said with an air of triumphancy. "One does rock, doesn't one". William made the devil-horn symbol at Mauritus, keeled over, and promptly fell asleep in his half-eaten in-flight meal.

With a start, William sat bolt upright. Where am i? How long had i been asleep? Why on earth does my head hurt? Why can't i see? 'Woah there' he thought. 'Lets stop there. Let's deal with those four questions one at a time'.

"OK" thought William. "Question One. 'Where am I'". That was an easy one. He'd just heard a voice say 'Vilita', so he must be there. This puzzled him. "What would i be doing in Vilita?" he asked himself. "Steady now William" he replied "Lets get the initial questions out of the way first. Number two, 'how long have i been asleep'". Trickier. "Since... since i last fell unconscious?". William's brain gave him a tired look. "Fine, fine, a cop-out but fine. Right, question three.."
"Its OK" said William. "I can answer three and four at the same time". William relaxed into his seat. "I'm hungover!" he called out. "Thats why my head hurts, and thats why i can't see. Mauritus the trolley-dolley gave him a congraturary pat on the back.
"Well done Mr. Branstone, well done indeed, but i believe you only get 75%. Only good enough for a B+ i'm afraid"
"Wha... what? How did you read my thoughts?" William thought. Or at least he thought he thought.
"I can't, you've been talking to yourself" replied Mauritus. The irritability in his voice had gone, replaced by a calm, jovial, almost mocking tone.
"Oh" said William, rather sheepishly. "...what question did i get wrong?"
"The fourth question. About why you can't see"
Mauritus removed the piece of microwaved chicken that was stuck to William's forehead. Mauritus then proceeded to get up and walk away, offering a polite "Welcome to Vilita" as he left.
"Ah!" William exclaimed. "Much better! Thankyou!"

"Vilita?" This wasn't right. "What on earth would I be doing in Vilita".
"Ah, that old chestnut" replied William's brain. I can answer that one for you, actually.
"Mauritus?"
"No, brain"
"Oh, hello again"
"Yes... hello... well you see Willy, can i call you Willy?"
"No you can't. Only my penis calls me Willy"
"Right. William it is. Well William, the reason you are in Vilita is..."
"Yes"
"Because you tried to book a flight for Lemmitania whilst drunk. You mumbled incoherently at the pretty girl at the flight-desk for a minute, before cursing Vilita for taking World Cup 20. Whether she got the impression that you wanted to go to Vilita, or she just wanted to get rid of you because you were being an arsehole, is unclear at this point. Either way, you got a flight to Vilita."
"But.." William was tired, even though he'd been asleep since he fell unconscious. "But.. i saw Lemmitania, i heard someone announce we were flying over Lemmitania...".
"We did. We did a fly over about five hours ago. Welcome to Vilita. Again."

A shit day had turned to a worse night, and that night had materialised into another shit night despite there being only five hours between the two corresponding nights. Jet Lag was indeed a bitch, but who wouldn't be if dyslexic people kept coming up to you and complimenting you on your martial arts skills.

Tired, confused and lonely, William looked for a hotel. There was a semi-decent one right outside the airport, so he went there. A long conversation with the girl in the lobby about how you can't spend Audioslavian money in Vilita was settled by the unveiling of one of William's many credit cards, and William retired to his bedroom. Not that he could sleep. The Jet Lag had messed him up too bad. William looked down at the lower half of his body. His legs were offering him a walk, his penis was offering him a wank. If he did either of these things he might well tire himself out enough for a quick nap. If he did both, he'd be arrested and probably forced to sleep by a policeman's truncheon. In an unprecedented turn of events, he went for a walk.

---

The walk had sobered William up. To some extent. At least he was capable of walking in a straight line now, and the gremlins had almost stopped leaping up and whacking him on the head with bags of Kingsford Coal. The cool Vilitan air cleansed his senses, making its way through the hairs in his ears and nose. It rustled his foppish ginger hair, caressed his many freckles and nestled nicely amongst the zits on his face.
"I feel beautiful" thought William, absently mindedly chewing at a fly that had unfortunately landed on his bucked teeth. "This air really does feel fresh". Convinced that he felt better, William made his way back to the hotel.

While he was waiting for the lift to come down to his floor, he noticed that the bar was still open. "I feel so great.." thought William as he made a left turn "..that i shall remain completely sober..". He put his hand in his pocket
"I shall have an early night.." he thought as his hand produced a five-ture note "..and get eight solid hours of sleep.." he added, as he put in on the bar "..and wake up tommorow morning feeling refreshed". The barman took his money and replaced it with a Jamesons on the rocks.
"Cheers fella" said William, and made his way to the nearest table.

The barman turned on the nearest television and discreetly pushed an ashtray in William's direction.
"Thankyou, but i don't smoke" said William, politely smiling at the barman.
"Just in case you want to start" quipped the barman. He spoke fluent Audioslavian. William was impressed. He grinned and took a sip of whiskey, enjoying the sensation that good whiskey gives. It was precisely this feeling of molten lava making its way down his throat to the tribal drumming of his tonsils begging for mercy against his gag reflex that made William realise that he was meant to be getting an early night.
"How... what... wha... what the fuck am i doing here with a drink?". He sat back, confused and slightly afraid. William's brain wanted to kick in, but it was stopped in its tracks by Mr. Jameson who had just turned up with his mob.

In the world of mobs, Don Corleone has the Mafia, O-Ren Ishii has the 'crazy eighty-eight', and Mr. Jameson has the 'forty percent proof' mob. You cross the mafia, you get a horses head in your bed. You cross O-Ren Ishii, you get your head collected by a horse. You cross Jamesons whiskey, you get a horse waking up in Don Corleone's bed saying 'where the FUCK did my trousers go'. There was no match for the full effect of Jameson's whiskey. William's brain knew this, and promptly surrendered all its power.

"You ordered a drink, you gave me money, i gave you drink" said the barman, quite bemused.
"I know but... i didn't mean to..."
"Sorry sir..."
"Its just, i was meant to be getting an early night, and next thing i knew i was sitting down"
"Oh..."
"And i've already been drunk... very drunk... today, and i thought if i drank more i may just get very very drunk now"
"Right.."
"Its just... you know"
"I see. Well if anything happens, i'll help you up to your room"
"Thanks mate". William shifted in his seat and tried to make out what was on telly. He asked the barman.
"Oh" said the barman. "Its just the national news. Been a slow week, nothing but the odd football friendly and Insanician bomb threats. I hate off-season."
"Fair enough" replied William.
"Keep watching though, apparently theres gonna be a press conference about the Vilitan national side. Here, i'll get some Audioslavian subtitles up for you"
"Oh, thankyou very much". The screen flickered somewhat and black boxes began springing up near the bottom of the screen. What was written inside the subtitle boxes was unfamiliar to William. He tried to reading it. It read like the sounds of an angry kitten attempting to cough up a tarantula.
"Sorry" said the barman, nipping back to the remote control "i set it to Rejistanian by accident". Another click later and familiar words were springing up on the screen. William turned to the barman.
"Thanks man, appreciated"
"No problem."
"Barman.."
"Yes sir? The names Ricky by the way"
"Ah. Ok. Ricky... Can you get me another?" William said, pointing to his whiskey. Ricky obliged with a wink and a smile and brought another Jamesons over to the table.

William sat back and watched the television. The subtitles were useful. Not only did he learn that the Ture was up three points against the Quid, and that it was cold and breezy in Makosile and Yeadding, but he also learned that Makosile United had sold Derry Colgan. William overheard Ricky sighing under his breath.
"Thats a shame" said Ricky, dusting off a glass. "That kid is a quality defender.
"You're a Makosile fan?" William asked
"Aye, born and bred. Most people round here support the local team"
"We're in Makosile?"
Ricky gave William an inquisitive look. William detected a hint of suspicion.
"Oh.. yeah" William stuttered "i'm not too sure where i am. Was drunk when i bought my ticket y'see"
"Ah...". William was beginning to think that he just may be appearing to be a complete weirdo. In previous situations, he'd discovered that trying to make amends to this simply didn't work, and so William didn't bother.

---

NEWS FLASH!
Liverpool England Apparently Win Matches! (LEAWP!)

According to press from far-away nation Shearer Heaven (located a few hundred miles upwards, just accross from cloud nine), Liverpool England are an experienced team who wins matches! Granted they have experience, but we here at NEWS FLASH CORPS (tm) can't remember the last time any LE side were any good. Of course, we weren't alive during World Cup 8. No one was, it was a figment of the imagination. Like LE could win a world cup, let alone a match. Especially against the 'slaves.

This has been some dude, signing off.

---

William was confused.
"What on EARTH was that?!" he asked Ricky the barman.
"Oh, we get the odd pirate broadcast from a load of Audioslavian journalists. Quite funny really, even if it does intefere with whatever show we're watching at the time".
"What a queer country this Vilita is" thought William. How did Audioslavian pirates get to Vilita, and why would they set up a pirate television broadcasty thing? William decided he didn't care.

The television now showed a press conference. Various people started appearing in front of the large desk, each taking a seat behind a microphone. This is how it appeared to the normal, sober person, but William was now on his third whiskey and it appeared to him as a large eplieptic caterpillar with a variety of amusingly shaped cysts. A few blinks later, William focused on the telly, and started to see some familiar faces behind the mics.

The first one was shortish, quite dark complexion. Damnit where had he seen him before? Furthermore, why was the word 'wanker' popping up in his brain? He was reminded of a party he attended around last year, where was it? Dennisov? No... Druidia, thats it. Why Druidia? Ah yes, the little party for FA representatives, something to do with Druidia hosting the world cup. Krytenia, yeah, Druidia and Krytenia. But why... aha! That was it! Rory Issah! Rory Issah the representative from Vilita. William had given Rory the best nickname ever, or so William thought. 'Rory Issah Wanker'. Fantastic.

Now, the guy to his left, sitting in the middle... Vilkaous! A name that everybody knew but not everybody could spell. Even Herr Helmut himself was known to accidently drop the 'a'. He sat there, silent, unmoving, as if non-plussed by the whole event. Another recognisable name popped up on the subtitles. It was the name of his own country, Audioslavia.

"..and Audioslavia, on the road towards the World Mug 20 name, a day other not Vilitan shall not remember"

"What on earth?" William sat back in his seat, trying to decipher the garb he just read.
"Yeah, sorry about that". Ricky said from somewhere behind him. "The subtitles are done by some weird computer when its a live feed, and they never quite get the translation right. That sentence should have been "...and Audioslavia on the way to the World Cup 20 title, a day which no Vilitan will soon forget."
"Ah". William felt a small pang in his neck. He always tensed up when reminded of Audioslavia's loss to Vilita on the world cup 20 final. Now that he was in Vilita he should really prepare himself. Possibly with the name and address of a decent masseuse. Just as William began to drift into a nice nice place with thoughts of masseurs, he heard a scream from behind him. It sounded like Ricky. He turned round to see Ricky wailing at the television in Vilitan words that he couldn't understand. Well, he might have understood one, but the chances of the word '****' being the same in Vilitan as it was in Audioslavian was a slim one.
"Sorry" gasped Ricky, out of breath from his cathartic diatribe of gibberish. "But... but... but they just sacked him..."
"'bout time" William said. "I can't fucking stand Rory Issah, he's an obnoxious, humongulous mongoloid. An ugly **** too"
"What? No... not Rory. Vilkaous... he's been sacked." William choked on an icecube. "Jesus fucking christ, they sacked Vilkaous? What the fuck?!
"I know!" Ricky replied "He's been the manager since i was born, he won the world cup for christ sake how on earth has he been sacked?"
"Wow...". William couldn't think of anything else to say.
"By the way" Ricky added "Both our languages have exactly the same word for '****'".
"Excellent!" William cried. "A toast! Two our languages, to Helmut Vilkaous, and to the continued progression of the national sides of Audioslavia and Vilita!". As Ricky cheered, William downed his drink and set the empty glass on the table. "By the way Ricky, you know what you said earlier? About helping me up to my room if worse comes to worse?"
"Yes?" answered Ricky, with a hint of suspicion. William grinned like a shit-eater.
"G'nite bitch!" he called, as he collapsed backwards on his chair and fell to the ground with a thump.

all of the above has been posted in the pre-cup thread and should not be considered for any RP bonus

"Whatever you do, don't wake up. You do NOT want to wake up".
"Who... who is this?"
"Its your brain William"
"Shit. Whats happened... why are YOU here. You only ever start working when i've fucked somethi.."
"Shh! I said don't wake up! Don't even think about thinking about going into your memory banks and retrieving information about last night"
"Fuck off brain, i'm big enough and ugly enough to make my own mistakes"
"Don't do it! I'm telling you, you do NOT want to wake up. You don't know what you did last night"
"Tough. I'm finding out"
William opened his eyes and scanned the scenery. From his vantage point of the garbage can hanging off a ten-storey building, everything looked pretty cool. William enjoyed the blueish haze of a Vilitan morning. Lots of people on the way to work, briefcases in hand. From this vantage point he could see right down a pretty girl's top. Excellent.
Something however, was not entirely right. Hmm.. what can it be? Ah, of course, people are leaving the office buildings. Can he have slept through til the afternoon? Very possibly, but the nagging feeling was still there. The nagging feeling that something was not quite as it should have been. William scanned his clothes, but couldn't quite find them thanks to the rubbish that had also slept rough in the garbage can. A can of Dr. Schwepper fell past his shoulders and landed with a dull 'clang' on the street below. Garbage can? Street below?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOO
MMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYFUCKIIIIINNNNNGOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDUDDDEEE"

William looked upwards. There was a fire-hose attached to both of the garbage can's handles. The hose stretched up as far as the eye could see to just over the ledge of the roof of the building.
"Fuck" thought William. "I've been watching Die Hard again. How on earth do i get out of here?"
William searched his pockets, checking them all against the bright Vilitan sunshine. House keys? Check. Hotel room keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Mobile phone? Check. Helmut Vilkaous's autograph? Check. Spectacles? Check.
"Wait, wait..." interrupted William's brain. "Go back one..."
"How can an autograph from some Vilitan help me get out of here?"
"It can't, but why would you have his autograph? You don't even like him?"
In all fairness, his brain did have a point. William had never taken much of a shining towards Helmut Vilkaous. In fact, during his 'torturing the vilitans' dreams, Helmut was the one usually being crucified. He looked at the signature again. It was definately Helmut's, but what was that next to it? That was his own signature! But it had been faked! Faked! Faked by a mildly arthiritic spider? No... a drunken spider... that was the one... or maybe it was William's handwriting after all? It did look rather perculiar... He opened up the piece of paper to get a closer look. It was a contract. William looked at it and said something aloud.
"Have i been sleep-contracting again?"
"I know i have" replied a voice behind him.
William spun round as quickly as any man can spin round in a full garbage can.
"Sweet marzipan allah, who the fuck are you?". He was looking at an elderly man on a weird kind of balcony.
"I'm a contractor, i clean the windows here every week. Ended up sleep-contracting here last night. Just woke up myself now. Say, what are you doing suspended on a garbage can?".
"Well.." answered William "from the looks of this contract, i'd say i was unsuccesfully trying to kill myself".
"Why's that then?" Asked the man.
"Well.." William looked back at the contract and gulped. It was a photocopy. That meant that other people had this contract as well. "Well... it appears as though we've just signed Helmut Vilkaous to be the new Audioslavian manager..."

BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

[ito be continued...[/i]

Clavis Sports Network

Clavis in group two in World Cup 24 qualifying rounds

After yesterday’s drawing the Clavis Falcons have been put into group two in World Cup XXIV with rivals Liverpool England, Lovisa, Liamist States, Bipedal Apes, Dedostan, Zanzii and Fart Islands. Commentators pick the Falcons to finish fourth in their division behind of Liverpool England, Liamist States with Clavis's defence being the key to victory this time after the beating Clavis got from Baptism of Fire Winners Hurfordia. With the first draw for the Falcons having to play number eight in the world Liverpool England the team knows that they have a massive test in front of them. Captain Hayden May said in an interview for Clavis Sports Live that "Liverpool England is a great team and I know that if we work as a team we can give them a close fight."


While coach Salazar said in a interview to the Soccer Show on Calvis Sports Internatonal that "I think we can come into World Cup twenty-four and turn some heads and what better way to turn some heads then to upset Liverpool England in our first game."

Liverpool will take it all I think in Poland Arka Gdynia will win it all and krakow

Were Dead
Spruitlands In our Group (Death For Us)

Horror
We have no chance at all said Most Itll be Cup Of Harmony for us well we"ll get crushed thwacked killed,and most importantly killed.Givens Comment

Jamie Marjoram" Hah we"ll do well to draw! well we might win against a Lesser team but i dont think theirs any lesser teams than us.

Phil Laggot"Spruitland? we"ll Die! we have no chanceand if we get through we"ll die though we wont go through.

Sean Rutherford"we"ll give it our all (probably) and (probably) nothing will coome out of it.

Alan Shearer was the only one to say something encouraging
Alan Shearer" well we"ll try our best and maybe we"ll get something out of this.(damn we should of participated in The BOF Cup) Though Spruitland WILL KILL Us We"ll try our best!

Whatever Happens Matchday 4 Group 3 Shearer Heavens Magpies Will Be Shot Right Out Of The Sky

Jeruselem Government News

Turn on your Crystil sets for World Cup XXIV!

OK, why the weird reference for World Cup XXIV and Crystils? Guess who is in Jeruselem's qualifying group - Crystilakere of course as top seeded team followed by Jeruselem. Sorry, no One Red Dot.

Jeruselem who won their first Group Stage game in World Cup XXIII are in one of funny groups. We only know who 3 of our opponents are - the others are a mystery to us. Haperd and U21C18 finalist Hypocria join us, but who are the other teams?

New teams Ruventsoria, Klakistany, 0-0 Is Evil and Southern Manchester of the lower rankings are here but we've never played or heard of them. Needless to say, there's really only 4 real contenders to make next stage but one of these mystery teams may upset the apple cart.

Group 7
Crystilakere
Jeruselem
Haperd
Hypocria
Ruventsoria
Klakistany
0-0 Is Evil
Southern Manchester

Milchama gets group 1 feels good about chances

In Milchama's second World Cup qualification campaign they were drawn in Group 1 today with Turori, Nova Britannicus, The Lowland Clans, Pedriana, Dauna Hills, System Karela, and Liverpoolian.

Milchama feels confident with their squad and is looking at 3rd of 4th in the group and expect to do, at least if nothing else, much better then last time when we got blown out of the water and finished 7th in our group.

Coach Jonathan Fairbanks said, "Last time we were inexpierienced and were unprepared for what was going to happen when we went on the international stage. This time we understand the rigors of a World Cup campaign and expect to do much better maybe even get to the playoffs or maybe *crosses fingers* get to the world cup."

A Meeting Was Raging In The Shearer Heavens FA.

We Need To Paticipate In More Warm-Up Cups !Shouted Shearer
Our Team Is Good Enough Aleready!Screamed Sir Bobby Robson At Shearer
Are you joking Me and Shay are the only players with more than 3 years experience and me and Shay are the only ones to even play international Football!!
But They Are A Good Team Experienced Or Not!! Im Starting to Doubt Your Ability To Play And Manage This Team!! Roared Robson
What! Whispered Shearer Quietly But Menacingly
Its Experience This Experience That! You Forget You Were Young But You Were Good Said Robson Quietining down.
We Could Just Even Mistreat The Team except you and Shay until they would get Worse And Worse Until They.....Lost it ,fouls maybe but think of the Talent! And if we kept mistreating them they would..
Shut Up!!Screamed Shearer
All We Need Is More Warm Up tournaments Not Torture! I Think youve lost it you F***ing Mad Old Man I Outta...

Stop! roared a man at the Door
No! It Cant Be Youre Dead! Roared Shearer
It was Jackie Milburn
Can I Be Your asssistant manager And Gazza Here(Gazza Walked In) Be Your Deputy Assistant Manager
Of Course! Laughed Shearer
BBBB But Youre Dead And you cant be assistant manager i am Shuddered Robson
hmm i was ressurected for Dawn Of The Dead but i hate acting and let me introduce your Bodyguard Alan.... The Rock ,Finished Milburn
The Rock Walked In
You Are A Steaming Stinking Peice OF Grade A Fresh out the Ass Monkey Crap! The Rock Roared Then He Said "For Shearer Heaven... For The People
You Little !Beginned Robson
Then Rock Got The Rock Bottom Then Layed The Peoples Elbow.
Then Something Disgusing Happened.
Robson Turned Into Steaming Stinking Fresh Out The Ass Grade A...Monkey Crap Then After a minuite( everyone had took pictures and laughed at him) he dissolved

The Sikenian Daily

Hexatux comments group draw

The computer system only known as Hexatux commented today on the group draw. Unfortunately, Siki Rej typed the query, but could not wait the 40 minutes until the request was finished on the high-end, top-of-the-line 33 MHz ADVANSID cluster. We had to interpret the results ourselves. This is what our nerd-experts made of it:

Rejistania: Karelan powerhouse, the place where attack means defeat.
Expected formation: something between 6-3-1 and 10-0-0.
Players to watch: Kansu I Kansu, Vejin Jara. They are a very good team, despite many personal changes after WC23.

Eauz: Karelan team, but not to the same amount as the Orange-Blues are.
Expected formation: 5-4-1.
Players to watch, the striker with the unpronouncable French name. (this is what the Hexatux said)

Wella: They have no tactic. their players look alike and play alike. It is said that they are really Lovisians in disguise. Expected formation: 4-4-2.
Players to watch: well, they all have the same Slavic name so it doesn't really matter.

Spaam: The Spaamian days of glory are over, provided they existed at all. The once advanced into the final but are most likely not to repeat that again.

Kaze Progressa: Kaze Progressa is suffering from aftermath of the civil war. Their soccer team is surely no longer on its previous excellent level.
Expected Formation: 4-3-3
Players to watch: Hexatux is not sure due to lacking data.

The Archregimancy: Christian orthodox monks against players, in support by karelan monks. The Hexatux can not work out how the orthodox liturgy will influence the match. Due to longer time, one is exposed to va'karela'ny, the match at home is expected to end scoreless.
Expected Formation: 4-4-2
Players to watch: Hexatux is not sure due to lacking data.

Poppuli and Jewish citizens: newcomers with no chance in 100 for qualification.
Expected formation: lacking data.
Players to watch: Hopefully their goalkeepers.

Expected finishing order:
Group 10
Rejistania
Eauz
The Archregimancy
Wella
Kaze Progressa
Spaam
Poppuli
Jewish Citizens

STATES RECEIVE QUALIFYING POOL

Nation draws blank on indentity of most teams

NEW MONTREAL - The Ministry of Morale announced yesterday that qualifying pools had been released. Spokesman Alain Giraud released the very paltry scounting reports on each nation that we have a clue about.

TnUI - We know these guys got skills.
Spruitland - Apparently these guys got good while we weren't looking.
Lox Land Island - Rising fast and showing no signs of stopping anyday soon
Shearers Heaven - Will do better than expected despite national inferiority complex.

Coach Jean-Rene Filon stated, "It could be a lot worse, we could have draw Groups 10 or 11."

The Presse-Devoir Journal would like to offer these predictions for the group's final order:

Total n Utter Insanity
Spruitland
Lox Land Island
New Montreal States
Tadjikistan
Shearer Heaven
Lethislavania
Taken Names

Canucks Draw Group 12, Beer to Druida via glacier.
New speedy way to transport sends days of 'berg travel to bite the dust.

The only fans in Hockey Canada are the two Druidan immigrants that came when the Hockey Canadians hosted Cherry Cup 13. Now they're returning home to Druida transporting their precious cargo: The new beer-flavoured water (made especially for minors). The new product is sent as a gift to Druida for the mishap with the water-flavoured beer four years ago. They spoke as they were sent adrift.

Druida Fan 1: "So we're heading back to our homeland."

Druida Fan 2: (Drunk) "You wish ya coulda headdedding back to da home, but HC is great. Beer n snow everywhere!!! No beer gets warm!"

Druida Fan 1: "Remeber when i fell down the stairs this morning? Saw K and D in big letters. I thought aliens had come to advertise Kraft Dinner 'ere."

TBC

Bedistan national team manager Mike Davidson was sitting in his office at the Bedistan Football Association in Amissville. Sitting on the table on his right was a very large, half-full coffee mug. Over on the counter by the sink was an even larger coffee can. Or at least we think it was a coffee can. Hard to tell, really, given that the label was printed in Rejistanian. The clock read 6:57 AM, which perhaps explained why the place was so quiet. Normally Davidson wouldn't even be out of bed at this time of the morning, but he had a job to do. Why those blasted Druidans and Krytenians couldn't do a group draw at a reasonable time, he had no idea. And it couldn't have been due to time zone differences, what with both Druida and Krytenia being in the same time zone as Bedistan.

Suddenly, a rainbow test pattern appeared on the television screen in the corner of the room. Then words started appearing on top of it. Well, maybe not words, exactly. More like the letters D and K over and over and over. "This must be it," Davidson mumbled. Sure enough, just as the clock struck seven, a BSTV announcer started talking.

"Good morning and welcome to Soberity City, Druida for the World Cup Twenty-Four qualifying group draw! I'm Dean Lord, here with special guest Sam Bacon, president of the BFA. How are you today, Mr. Bacon?"

"Very tired. Leave it to Druidans to schedule a group draw at seven o'clock in the friggin' morning. Heh, only joking. No, I'm ready to see what we'll be up against this time."

"As I'm sure we all are. But enough yapping from us, let's get to the draw, presided over by The Daily Druid's Bill Posters."

And that they did. Posters went through the first ten of the twelve groups. Davidson gave some sighs of relief at Groups 3 and 8, containing New Montreal States and Sarzonia respectively, since he would have to face neither of those - at least not yet. When Group 11 came around, Davidson began feverishly writing, though. His notes looked something like this:

__GROUP 11__
Bedistan - that's us
Audioslavia - only ones to lose in the final more than us and therefore utter shite
Bettia - ooh, neighbors - they're cool
Kericia - who?
San Lorenzo - puppet of Squorn, don't know anything else
Kurumada - sounds Japanese
PopularFreedom - yeah, freedom is pretty popular around here
Viszonia - looks too much like Sarzonia

__matches__
v San L
@ Kuru
v PopFree
@ Visz
v Audio
v Kericia
v Bettia
@ San L
v Kuru
@ PopFree
v Visz
@ Audio
@ Kericia
@ Bettia

He then promptly fell asleep on the table.

Group 8
Sarzonia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351498&postcount=9)
Commerce Heights (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9426225&postcount=53)
Kylaai
Caprine States
Scorthona (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9419540&postcount=52)
Chileany
Brazillico (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352364&postcount=13)
Disjoepia

Fixtures:

Matchday 1: 1v5, 2v6, 3v7, 4v8.
Matchday 2: 5v4, 6v1, 7v2, 8v3.
Matchday 3: 1v7, 2v8, 3v5, 4v6.
Matchday 4: 5v2, 6v3, 7v4, 8v1.
Matchday 5: 1v2, 3v4, 5v7, 6v8.
Matchday 6: 2v3, 1v4, 7v6, 8v5.
Matchday 7: 1v3, 4v2, 5v6, 7v8.

Fixtures are reversed for matchdays 8-14.

Old rivals return for Stars

For Sarzonia national team coach Dave Wilson, the announcement that Sarzonia would be paired with longtime rivals Commerce Heights and former World Cup legends Brazillico in Group 8 brought a reaction similar to those of his predecessor Bryan Marshall.

"The Commerce Heights fixtures are going to be two fierce matches," he said without a hint of his usual jovial demeanor. "That's going to be of great concern for us because we've never won a match against them and we've faced them in each of the last two World Cup groups stages. "You can bet we're going to be focused."

Besides the other teams in the draw, namely Kylaai, whom the Stars have beaten in their two prior meetings and the return of Brazillico to World Cup play, Wilson complained bitterly about the format for the World Cup.

"The third placed side is going to play a two-leg playoff for the right to advance to the Finals," Wilson said. "To top it off, we have to play the last three matches of qualifying away. That's absolutely horrible.

"I don't know what [Incorporated Football Federation Chairman] Terry Mangione was thinking when he cast his vote to support this bid," Wilson fumed. "I'd rather have Liverpool England hosting the World Cup than deal with this [crap]." Mangione didn't return several phone calls seeking comment.

For their parts, the Stars are planning a ceremony for Wilson's final home match as the team's manager while they continue to receive applications for his successor. Current assistant coach Chris Trautwig has said he will apply for the position and even former Under 21 national team coach Cal Trottier said he would come out of retirement if called upon.

"There's going to be someone in place whom we expect to continue the winning tradition we've established in Sarzonia," a spokeswoman for the Incorporated Football Federation said. As for the farewell, "it's going to be a memorable night for Dave and his family."

Liverpool will take it all I think in Poland Arka Gdynia will win it all and krakow

życzę szczęścia. Może za rok Arka bedzie mistrzem.
teraz trzeba trzymać kciuki za Wisłe, żeby wreszcie awansowała do CL.

Lovisa will be play in group 2.

For us its easy group. And probably we didnt any problem to advance to final in Krytenia/Druida

Group 2
Liverpool England - very strong team, probably winner this group, but Lovisa won with LE before.
Lovisa
Liamist States - its a good team, LS will be in 3rd place.
all teams:
Bipedal Apes
Clavis
Dedostan
Zanziik
Fart Islands
is a newbe for us. We never play with him. And I don't think so, that are strong teams.

position after the last match (lovisan bookmachers)
1. Liverpool england
2. Lovisa
3. Liamist States
4. Clavis
5. Fart Islands
6. Bipedal Apes
7. Zanziik
8. Dedostan

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

WORLD CUP GROUPS DRAWN

Elrich were drawn in Gorup 12 this morning alongside fellow nations Vilita, Svecia, Hockey Canada, Oglethorpia, Liampolis-Liamton, The Jam Doughnut and Righteous Beliefs.

Manager Mike Bassett, speaking from his team's hotel in Druida was unconcerned by the draw, "It was never going to be easy, we were always going to get some strong nations and we have. Fortunately there are some teams we think we can beat in there but we know it's unlikely we'll qualify but who knows. We'll give it our best shot and there's always the Cup of Harmony to follow if we don't."

THE LOWDOWN - GROUP 12

Vilita - Hosted Elrich in the Baptism of Fire. Play a 3-3-4 formation. Past World Cup Champions. Should qualify easily - You can't not with those snazzy kits!!

Svecia - Strong nation with past World Cup experience, should qualify.

Hockey Canada - Strong nation with recent success in the Under 21 World Cup. Play an usual 7-2-1 formation. Will be up there.

Oglethorpia - Have attempted qualifying before and be hoping for that play-off spot.

Liamopolis-Liamton - Puppet of the well-known Liamist States nation. Fellow Baptism of Fire competitors but didn't make it out of Group Stages with only 1 win and three points. Will struggle to qualify.

The Jam Doughnut - Newcomers to the Internation set-up. Will struggle without any prior footballing experience. Results against other new teams will probably be as much as they can hope for.

Righteous Beliefs - The unknown, their nations first attempt at the World Cup. Similar to The Jam Doughnut.

and finally ourslves....

Elrich - Elrich had a successful Baptism of Fire, which saw Mike Bassett's side go unbeaten through the group stages before losing to eventual winners Hurfodia. The Badgers will be hoping to finish above the other new nations and hopefully pull off an upset against one of the big teams. A mid-table finish is likely.

Prediction

Vilita
Svecia
Hockey Canada
.......................
Oglethorpia
Elrich
Liampolis-Liamton
The Jam Doughnut
Righteous Beliefs

ELRICH ANNOUNCE NEW KIT AND BADGE

The Kingdom of Elrich today revealed their new first and second strip for the upcoming World Cup 24. The shirts were designed and manufactured by the nation's leading sports manufacturer "Badoosh". The home kit keeps the nation's traditional colours of red, black and white in a modern and innovative design to be war with black shorts socks. The all-yellow away kit is in dedication to Elrich full-back Richard Hodgins' famous Submarine.

Both kits are made with state-of-the-art clima-cool technology developed by Badoosh, and include the Badoosh Symbol and the new Elrichian Football Badge. Both kits are on open sale from all leading sports shops.

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/kitsbig.jpg

The Aeropag Tribune—By popular World Cup host demand, now offering service to Sarzonia

World Cup: Capitalizts face challenges in qualifying group
SOBERITY CITY, DRUIDA—The return of Margaret—as some sort of “glowing jellyfish”—has come, thanks to the new hit reality show, Kaze Progressa LIVE!. (This should not be construed as a confirmation of Bedistani beliefs regarding the Chief Supplicant.) Capitalizts coach Paul Iñaki and his staff prayed to the semi-deified Margaret, currently inhabiting another so-called “plane of existence.” “Please, oh Great Supplicant to the Random Number Gods, let us not be drawn with…Audioslavia!”
After making the traditional contribution of 2.718 kilograms of gold, they waited. The draw appeared on the giant screen at the CHFF headquarters. “In group 11—Audioslavia. In group 2—Lovisa. In group 8—Commerce Heights.” The coaches stared at the screen in disbelief. Their prayers had surely been answered—if not their prayers, their bribe—but they suddenly realized they had brought upon themselves an even worse competitor: Sarzonia!
Lance Lasala, the president of the CHFF, dismissed their fears. “Don’t worry, we’ve never lost to them before…”
“We’ve never replaced every player on our team before, either,” Iñaki fired back.
In yesterday’s World Cup qualifying press conference, Iñaki assured reporters that “except maybe Kylaai and Brazillico, none of these other opponents [other than Sarzonia] are of any consequence.”

Group 5
One Red Dot
Five Civilized Nations
Kipto-Mare
Sonaron
Casari (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9380821&postcount=34)
Yafor 2 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9388641&postcount=37)
Nanakaland (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9376692&postcount=31)
Greecedonia

Draw Complete, Yafor 2's group looks difficult

With the draw for the World Cup complete, the Yaforites have been put into a group which looks like it may be too difficult for the unexperienced Yaforites. Since they did not achieve what they had wanted to during the Baptism of Fire, some Yaforite team fans believe that, with the group the have, it may be all over for the new side.

"I mean, look at them!" says Susan Maine, a random person on the street who just wanted to be iterviewed. This person is sure to be a fan, since all Yaforites are fans. "ORD and 5CN are in, man! World numbers 1o and 26. And hen there are 44 ranked Kipto-MAre and 48-ranked Sonaron. And if that's not bad enough, add in 111 ranked Caseri!! We're doomed!!!" At this point she ran off screaming.

Via the rankings, Yafor 2 are fourth in the group.

In other news, an Assistant Manager is still needed, preferably one with international experience.

Nanakaland Times
Trouble or Success for Nanakaland?NANAKAPOLIS -- After details of the groups for the qualifying in World Cup XXIV were released, the Nanakaland team was revealed to be in Group 5. Group 5 also contians One Red Dot, Five Civilized Nations, Kipto-Mare, Sonaron, Casari, Yafor 2, and Greecedonia. Experts predict One Red Dot, Five Civilized Nations, and Sonaron qualifying but some loyal fans of Nanakaland think that the karelization of the team since the last world cup they participated in might be Nanakaland's secret weapon to qualification.

"Our new defense is rock solid," comments Wilford Mcmullen, a Nanakabird fan. "The other teams don't stand a chance against a 6-3-1 formation. Let's see them try score against us."

Other people were less happy about the news. Another fan, Rob Moberly, commented, "We need to focus more on strikers, not defense. A 0-0 is still not a win. Most of the teams are far more superior and will manage to score anyways. We are doomed, karela or not!"

The Nanakaland Nanakabirds team tried in two previous world cups, both horrible failures in the qualification stage. They just plain didn't do well. After some firings, the Nanakaland Nanakabirds tried one more time for victory 4 years ago but the lazy upper management forgot to apply for entry into the qualification round in World Cup XXIII. Following this massive embarrassment, people turned to karela, a strategy used by the champion team, the Rejistania Orange-Blues.

Now, the hope for Nanakaland is karela and their strategic 6-3-1 formation. However, qualification still seems just a remote dream to many. Almost every other team is more veteran to world cups and the absence from the past three World Cups has lead to the ranking of Nanakaland to be literally non-existent.

Nanakan forward, Anthony Johnson, admitted it would be a tough job to qualify for this World Cup but said that this time the Nanakaland team is prepared. Thus, the nation is divided on whether or not there is trouble or success in store for Nanakaland. Only time will tell.

Were Dead
Spruitlands In our Group (Death For Us)



Dear Sirs,

On behalf of myself, my colleagues in the Spruitland government, the Spruitland Football Association, the Spruitland national football team, and all sports-loving citizens of Spruitland, I would like to assure the football players of the somewhat oxymoronically named nation of Shearer Heaven that – so far – we have no intention of killing them.

Spruitlanders are a peaceloving folk, rarely resorting to violence to accomplish their goals – not in the least because this just takes way too much effort. While we don’t shy away from over-enthusiastic elbow swings and the occasional knee-to-the-groin, it is not common practice for our football players to permanently eliminate opponents. So, rest assured, there is no need for your team members to update their life insurance policy. As long as you stay on your side of the pitch.

Sincerely,

Olav Nett
Minister of Sports
Spruitland

CasariONENews

World Cup Draw Complete
"We got pretty freaking lucky." says GM Hill

Casari escaped the World Cup Qualifying with a few sighs of relief.

Group 5:
One Red Dot (10)
Five Civilized Nations (26)
Kipto-Mare (44)
Sonaron (48)
Casari (111)
Yafor 2 (138)
Nanakaland
Greecedonia

"We could have done a lot worse. That's for sure. We're still going to be a feeder team in this tournement unless we can throw out some mindelssly awesome results." Casaran International General Manager Vivica Hill said in front of the assembled press. "We're hoping to pull together some decent results and build this year, as much as the people outside want us to go for the cup." She said, motioning to the windows of the confrence room to Capital Square outside Tyrellian National Stadium, which at the time of the confrence was crowded with cheering fans watching the draw result on the outdoor screens.

Coach Tim Bridges was next on the podium. "Our competition in the Baptism of Fire Cup taught us a lot about ourselves the complications of international soccer. Our inability to score goals was a major problem for us all through the competition. Therefore, we have made the decision to covert from our basic 4-3-3 to a 4-2-4. We feel that adding the extra man up front will help to create more oppertunities and goals."

Slowly but surely, the coaching staff each took their turn, mentioning facts about the players health and fitness, the competition, and the impending first game slaughter at One Red Dot.

Lastly, the best known player on the Casari Squad and owner of the best-selling replica kit in Casaran History, Andy Ronalo took the stage.
"Our odds don't look do good, it's true." He said, looking across the sea of reporters. "But, Soccer can be an unusual game, and we can't be sure what will happen."

Archregimancy draw defending champions!

Coach Kyrill utters unseemly profanity

There was excitement and consternation in the MFA [Monastic Footballing Association] HQ today at the news that the Archregimancy had drawn defending champions Rejistania in the qualifiers for World Cup XXIV:

Group 10
Rejistania
Eauz
Wella
Spaam
Kaze Progressa
The Archregimancy
Poppuli
Jewish Citizens

When asked for his reaction, Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, was heard to utter a most unseemly profanity and possibly also took the Lord's name in vain. Discipline in the training camp broke down completely afterwards when Fr. David the Water-Drinker and Father Silouan of the Seventy Caves nearly came to blows following an argument over whether Coach Kyrill's profanity was merely ill-chosen, or was in essence heretical for perhaps implying that the Son was not necessarily co-substantial with the Father.

Officials from the MFA later released the following statement:

"A life of constant suffering is good for the soul - is indeed arguably the best path to a true Christian life. On this basis, while victories may indeed be hard to come by in the coming weeks, we expect our team member's souls to benefit considerably from the experience".

'So this is the group we'll be playing in? That shouldnt be too hard' Coach Luchinsky said while he went through the group draw for WC24 'The only team we should definitly fear is Total n Utter Insanity, but we know we can hold them off, we've tied to them in the past, What do you think Alex?'

Alexander Zaev, Luchinsky's new coach was sitting next to him looking into his files, clearly he wasnt paying atention to anything his coach said 'What? What should I think?'

'The group! What do you think?'

'Oh that, The only team we should watch out for is Total n Utter Insanity, but I remember that we tied to them a whole while ago'

'Thats what I already said'

'Oh really? Sorry, I wasnt paying atention.'

'Or so I notice, now tell me what you think of the rest of the group.'

'I dont know any of these teams except Lethislavania, which we've beat in the past, nothing impossible in this group. I've already heard some strange stories about Spruitland, while the other teams remain unknown to me. We can qualify in this group, given that we dont fuck up ourselves offcourse but we've got a potentially strong selection of young talented player and old experienced veterans. A second place is not just possible, its a minimum.'

'So you're saying we have to stay away from that play off stuff?'

'Yes, thats exactly what i'm saying, What happened the last time we had to go to Playoffs? We got beat by a team on their retour, Its a system where you have to be lucky to go through, No No, the higher we end in the qualification, the better we'll be in the World Cup.'

'I'm afraid those Sprouttypes will keep us from our qualification though, and then there is that strange New Montreal States system with High Schools, So Alex how do we keep those at a distance?'

'Hah, We'll play our matches against the Spruitlanders on potatofields, lets see how they deal with that, and I should worry too much about New Montreal States, their team doesnt stand a chance against our older more experienced players. No, Total n Utter Insanity is the team to focus our attention on, and watch out for Lethislavania. Get lots of points in the first few matches and defend what we have in the later matches, as usual I guess. Here's a list of fixtures:'

Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - New Montreal States
MD2: Shearer Heaven - Tadjikistan
MD3: Tadjikistan - Taken Names
MD4: Lox land Island - Tadjikistan
MD5: Total n Utter Insanity - Tadjikistan
MD6: Tadjikistan - Lethislavania
MD7: Spruitland - Tadjikistan
MD8: New Montreal States - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Shearer Heaven
MD10:Taken Names - Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Lox Land Island
MD12:Tadjikistan - Total n Utter Insanity
MD13:Lethislavania - Tadjikistan
MD14:Tadjikistan - Spruitland

Naleloospalakintula

The Naleloospalakintulan Football Association announced to the public the group for the World Cup Qualifiers. It is as follows:

Group 4
Starblaydia
Fmjphoenix
Harlesburg
Finrods
Tallionis
Geisenfried
Naleloospalakintula
Prince Aidan

In today’s top Naleloospalakintulan newspaper, The Palak-In-Your-Face, the sport column screamed out “Well, shall we just forfeit?”, it has been estimated that 100 death threats have been sent within 56 minutes of the papers release, due to lack of confidence.

Pole Nalel, the 18 year old wonder playing for Iblon, who are currently 4th in Naleloospalakintula’s top league, League the Halia, had this to say: “We gonna kick they *** from here to where ****ing ever”. Pole Nalel never finished school, but in football, who cares?

Fixtures:
Harlesburg – Naleloospalakintula
Naleloospalakintula – Fmjphoenix
Starblaydia – Naleloospalakintula
Naleloospalakintula – Finrods
Tallionis – Naleloospalakintula
Naleloospalakintula – Geisenfried
Naleloospalakintula – Prince Aidan
Naleloospalakintula – Harlesburg
Fmjphoenix – Naleloospalakintula
Naleloospalakintula – Starblaydia
Finrods – Naleloospalakintula
Naleloospalakintula – Tallionis
Geisenfried – Naleloospalakintula
Prince Aidan – Naleloospalakintula

“We’re looking forward to giving these Harlesburg guys a match alright, but then we gotta play Fmjphoenix and Starblaydia, yeah we’re gonna lose that alright.” Were the words from coach Polish Nalel. “We’re looking forward to hosting these matches on Naleloospalakintulan turf; our island has a lot to offer to our guests, including torture, that’s if they want it.”

Home matches:
V Fmjphoenix: Valli the Basin Stedia (8,500)
V Finrods: Neczional Ovarb Stedia, Neijk (30,000)
V Geisenfried: Vly Te, Vly Te (25,000)
V Prince Aidan: Keehil Stedia, Tyn (23,000)
V Harlesburg: Sheedee, Vitin (32,000)
V Starblaydia: Neczional Stedia, Vly Te (50,000)
V Tallionis: Malanjk Zupla, Valsk (27,000)

Next stop: Harlesburg.

(Our) Group 3 Prediction

Group 3

Group 3
Total n Utter Insanity
Tadjikistan
Lethislavania
Spruitland
Lox Land Island
New Montreal States
Shearer Heaven
Taken Names


Well Heres The Ones We Know!

Total N Utter Insanity- Well We"ve heard theyre good from certain teams and we may have the tinsiest of grudges against them because they didnt let us in Under 21 World Cup 19 .Well We Dont mind now we"re in the biggest cup of them all.Prediction-Top Two.
Spruitland-Theyre Good And we know it and we have nothing against them. they really shocked nobody by winning The Under 21 World Cup 18 since all knew about their skill.-Prediction 1st
Lox Land Island- We"ve heard from one or two that theyre good., maybe top two probably third-Prediction Third(Der)

Tadjikstan-They Say Second Is A Minimum We Say Last is the minimum , we think it will be close for third between Lox Land ,Tadjikstan and Lethislavania.
Prediction 4th

Lethislavania-Everyone should watch out. though not great they could easily snatch 3rd place if Other Teams Arent Careful-Prediction 4th maybe?

Shearer Heaven-Us Well Probably Cup Of Harmony For Us ,If We Are Very VERY Lucky We May Snatch 3rd Which Will Be A Unlikely Liked Shock If We Play Quite Well Maybe 4th And if its normal old us 5th -Prediction-5th

New Montreal States-5th or Sixth Theyll be fighting hard and we will have to watch out for them but if were lucky may finish 7th-Predition-6th

No Idea On Other Teams

Spruitland -we didnt mean Bloody Kill we meant like five -one victory to you.

[OOC: I have free time right now, so anyone who wants a JMC kit for their nation, TG me.]

OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE

Krytenian sportswear corporation JMC, in celebration of their sponsorship of World Cup 24, have offered their kit manufacturing services to the international community. JMC currently provide kits to the KLF Overleague, the Krytenian national team, and Nedalian side Dorpar AC.

In addition, JMC have also launched the new Krytenian kits for WCXXIV.
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/Kry2006.jpg

Here, once again, are the Group Draws, now updated with KPB Rankings

Hosts and Automatic Qualifiers:
Druida (7)
Krytenia (17)

Group 1
Turori (5)
Nova Britannicus (23) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355486&postcount=22)
The Lowland Clans (40) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352461&postcount=14)
Pedriana (69)
Milchama (93) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353054&postcount=16)
Dauna Hills (147)
System Karela (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9376288&postcount=30)
Liverpoolian (175)

Group 2
Liverpool England (8)
Lovisa (14)
Liamist States (33)
Bipedal Apes (57)
Clavis (98) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9416946&postcount=51)
Dedostan (147)
Zanziik (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9374444&postcount=27)
Fart Islands (175)

Group 3 - THE KRYTIE TV™ FIRST GROUP OF DEATH
Total n Utter Insanity (13)
Tadjikistan (21) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9359273&postcount=24)
Lethislavania (28)
Spruitland (50) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9411458&postcount=46)
Lox Land Island (114)
New Montreal States (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9392578&postcount=41)
Shearer Heaven (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9406436&postcount=45)
Taken Names (175)

Group 4
Starblaydia (6) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350382&postcount=6)
Fmjphoenix (25) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9370994&postcount=26)
Harlesburg (34)
Finrods (56)
Tallionis (130) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351816&postcount=11)
Geisenfried (133)
Naleloospalakintula (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9385345&postcount=36)
Prince Aidan (175)

Group 5
One Red Dot (10)
Five Civilized Nations (26)
Kipto-Mare (44)
Sonaron (48)
Casari (111) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9380821&postcount=34)
Yafor 2 (138) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9388641&postcount=37)
Nanakaland (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9376692&postcount=31)
Greecedonia (175)

Group 6
Oaker (9)
Cockbill Street (20)
Chicanada (29)
Praying2God (73)
Hurfordia (92) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9412662&postcount=48)
Limbrogidlia (138)
The South Packerlands (175)
Nobbsinia (175)

Group 7
Crystilakere (4)
Jeruselem (24) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9380810&postcount=33)
Haperd (45)
Hypocria (54) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353397&postcount=18)
Ruventsoria (82) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9358487&postcount=23)
Klakistany (164) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350324&postcount=5)
0-0 Is Evil (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9366376&postcount=25)
Southern Manchester (175)

Group 8
Sarzonia (1) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351498&postcount=9)
Commerce Heights (16) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9426225&postcount=53)
Kylaai (27)
Caprine States (51)
Scorthona (114) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9419540&postcount=52)
Chileany (162)
Brazillico (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352364&postcount=13)
Disjoepia (175)

Group 9
Squornshelous (12) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351520&postcount=10)
EL CID THE HERO (19) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355220&postcount=20)
Nedalia (42)
Oliverry (62) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350484&postcount=7)
Tonissia (84)
Trianland (138)
Palixia (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9382085&postcount=35)
Groba (175)

Group 10 - THE KRYTIE TV™ SECOND GROUP OF DEATH
Rejistania (2) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9354742&postcount=19)
Eauz (15)
Wella (35)
Spaam (47)
Kaze Progressa (83) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9352960&postcount=15)
The Archregimancy (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9394875&postcount=42)
Pop (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9389143&postcount=38)puli (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9389166&postcount=39)
Jewish Citizens (175)

Group 11
Bedistan (3) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9355270&postcount=21)
Audioslavia (18) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9351150&postcount=8)
Bettia (41) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9398152&postcount=43)
Kericia (52)
San-Lorenzo (98)
Kurumada (138)
PopularFreedom (175) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9416733&postcount=50)
Viszonia (175)

Group 12
Vilita (11) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350300&postcount=3)
Svecia (22)
Hockey Canada (39) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9398293&postcount=44)
Oglethorpia (53) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9392503&postcount=40)
Elrich (121) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353258&postcount=17)
Liamopolis-Liamton (147)
The Jam Doughnut (175)
Righteous Beliefs (175)


Fixtures:

Matchday 1: 1v5, 2v6, 3v7, 4v8.
Matchday 2: 5v4, 6v1, 7v2, 8v3.
Matchday 3: 1v7, 2v8, 3v5, 4v6.
Matchday 4: 5v2, 6v3, 7v4, 8v1.
Matchday 5: 1v2, 3v4, 5v7, 6v8.
Matchday 6: 2v3, 1v4, 7v6, 8v5.
Matchday 7: 1v3, 4v2, 5v6, 7v8.

Fixtures are reversed for matchdays 8-14.

Relevant links:

WCXXIV Roster thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435169)
World Cup discussion thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=293066) - for all your OOC needs!
The Pre WC24: KD/DK Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435178) - the story so far.

To: Alvin Ker <a_ker@asword.gov.rd>
From: Chris Gwee <cgwee@cnfc.org.rd>
Subject: WC24 Qualifications

As you may have heard, the groups announcement was just sent out.. looks like we are in Group 5. I'm just going to give a quick run-down on the teams:

We first start with a bang with the traditional ORD's WC Qualifiers Opening Ceremony at the Royal Red Dot National Stadium. Casari currently stands at 111th. I doubt we would have much of a problem here.

Next is Yafor 2 at their home grounds, no problems there too.. any relations to NASTIC 2 though? nah just kidding..

Day 3 is against Nanakaland at the Gweridijong City Stadium. Just 10 World Cups ago, an unranked Nanakaland in Group 9 lost to us twice during the qualifiers.

The following day sees us flying to Greecedonia. The Greek-Macedonians are also currently unranked, and we haven't played against this new blood yet.

We host not one, not two but Five Civilised Nations.. <cheesy-home-shopping-voice> That's right! 5 civilised nations free with your purchase of 2 rogue nations! So that's 2 rouge nations, their despot leaders, and 5 civilised nations, all in 50 easy payments of 99.95Dt! </cheesy-home-shopping voice> *ahem*, anyway, they are a force to be reckoned with, being quite firmly in the top-32 and only allowing in a solitary goal to us in the first round of WC23, I trust that will be some resistance here. Also, being at the Royal Red Dot National Stadium would help us a bit.

Staying in ORD to Dorona Stadium where we host #48 Sonaron. We haven't any experience against them either, but they seem to be able to give a good fight.

The 3-in-a-row hosting duties end at the Royal Burrington Stadium, hosting Kipto-Mare. Jumping by about 40 places ever since we played against them in the WC19 qualifiers in Group 5 (also), and only a 2-0 win followed by a 1-1 draw... if they were that good then, they would be so much better now.

The last 2 hosting stadiums would be Chisai'nihon Staium against Yafor 2 and the Royal Red Dot National Stadium (including the ORD WC Qualifiers Closing Ceremony) against Greecedonia.

I trust that we will end up top of the table, and we will have little problems carrying on the next round.

Clavis Sports Network

First look at next week's Liverpool England-Clavis game
The Clavis Falcons will play their first game in World Cup competition next week against number eight-ranked Liverpool England at Valant Cars stadium in Taro Clavis on Sunday. Tickets have already sold out with soccer's growth in popularity in Clavis after finishing third in Baptism of Fire 24 and Clavis will have home field advantage but having no other advantage odds are that we'll lose our first World Cup game. But not all are convinced coach Salazar said in an interview on 96.4 Sports FM "We're going to come into this game and turn some heads and tell people that eight is only an number not a roadblock to success in next week's game."
A minute later a fan replied with "Clavis won't win against Liverpool England because out team sucks compared to theirs with their fancy jerseys, shiny new cars and private jets."
After the fan spoke coach Salazar said, "We got one thing Liverpool England don't have heart and sprit."

Can they finish up top? Maybe if they wish upon a Star

Its qualification time again, and this time looks solid for Fmjphoenix to take a giant leap into a top footballing nation. We got our list and our group, and its is quite in the Vikings favor, for once. Here is how it looks, with ranks included:

Group 4
Starblaydia (6)
Fmjphoenix (25)
Harlesburg (34)
Finrods (56)
Tallionis (130)
Geisenfried (133)
Naleloospalakintula (175)
Prince Aidan (175)

Well, lets look at the nation analysis by our experts.

Starblaydia - They are the top team in the group. But can they hold off the Vikings. Fmjphoenix has beaten Starblaydia in the U21 Championships twice now and just beat them in the Cherry Cup. Can they keep the trend in the World Cup now? We think so.
Finish: 1st or 2nd

Fmjphoenix - They have been getting better and better every time. Could this be the time when they take the next step? The matches against Starblaydia will be key to a first place finish.
Finish: 1st or 2nd

Harlesburg - Still looking for that magical push into the next level of competition. Never faced them in football, but they have a good basketball team. But this isn't basketball. They will have to fight of Finrods for 3rd place.
Finish: 3rd or 4th

Finrods - Louvisan colony. Been around for a while, but just dont ever seem to go that extra mile for the next step. Could finish in 3rd or drop to 5th. All depends on their motivation.
Finish: 3rd, 4th, or 5th

Tallionis, Geisenfried, Naleloospalakintula, Prince Aidan - All new nations entering into the World Cup. All very low ranked compared to the top four, but you can never count anyone out. Perhaps one can come up and suprise off Finrods or Harlesburg. It could be any of them. Just have to wait and see how they play.
Finishes: Between 4th and 8th

Fmjphoenix's World Cup 24 Qualification:
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Geisenfried
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ Naleoospalakintula
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Prince Aidan
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Tallionis
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Starblaydia
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Harlesburg
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Louvisa
---------------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Geisenfried
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs Naleoospalakintula
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Prince Aidan
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Tallionis
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Starblaydia
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Harlesburg
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Louvisa
Record:

Id Love It LOVE IT If We Beat Them!
Total N Utter Insanity Marked!

Magpies Manager Alan Shearer Revealed Passion To Beat TNUI

Id Love It LOVE It if we beat them itll Be revenge for them not letting us in the Under 21 World Cup 19,Remember nothing is impossible and we"re rising high up into the ranks.Heres what my players have to say.

Jamie Marjoram-If We Beat them itll be=heaven if we dont=hell

Dale Perkins- Revenge If we beat them!

Ben Marjoram-Ive just learned how too do big words but cant pwonounce pwoperwy so aww i can pay is we want win against nasty inpane man!

Chris Corrigan- Ohh Heaven If we win just heaven!

Adam Norton-Brilliant if we win but what if we lose?

Yes Total N Utter Insanity Will Probably Win But This Team is rising + they want the win so badly! and remember NOTHING is impossible. then Alan Shearer appeared totally drunk."if we dont win ill bladder meesel even more take that Boblockadombom then threw beer on a near Total N Utter Insanity Fan Who Was Calling Shearer Heavens team and country and was on the verge of punching shearer Shearer Then Screamed i wont be like this on the pitch Yay Beer!

Alan Shearer arrested

Loud mouth thug Alan Shearer was arrested today for drunk and disorderly behaviour, after throwing a drink over another man and yelling incoherently in a local pub. He was released by the Insanician Police after spending 12 hours in a prison cell to sober up and paying a 10 Meep fine. Shortly after his release he was picked up by the TnUFBI and has not been heard from since...

Shearer Busted Out!
Mad Charges Or What

Alan Shearer Was Arrested By TNUI Police For Shouting And Pouring Drink Over A Man Who Was Cheeking his Team Fine Maybe but arrested? And not in that polices country?(fishy)

Shearers Teammates Busted Him Out While The TNUI FBI Were Trying To Calm Shearer Down Shearer . He Now Is Protected In Shearer Heavens Top Luxury Guard House.

Shearer Said "Well I was drunk but that guy cheeked my team and my country and my little friend Ben! Yes I Admit Fining would be ok but jail Mad Or What? And My Team is angry because the So Called FBI Were Just TNUI Thugs!

This Just Shows The Tension Between the countries before their grudge match.
Also Country Wide Chants Boomed Shearer!Shearer in a country wide Why Arrest Him Debate When He Came Back To Shearer Heaven The Shearer Chants Exploded And Everyone in his country I Mean EVERYONE Chanted.

GROUP 3 RAPIDLY TRENDING DOWNHILL

"Are we really stuck in this morass?" asks one anonymous official.

NEW MONTREAL - Reports that TNuI police arrested Alan Shearer, who then escaped from jail, have not made things in this group any pleasanter.

Not only that, but Tadjikistan has brushed aside our high school squads, saying that they have "no chance."

We seem to recall similar predications made by Bedistan during WC10, but what the heck, we might be wrong. Our memory is less than perfect, you know.

Finally, we've been identified as a "group of death" by Krytenian television. Is this about the soccer, or the mudslinging?

"Busted out..."

Stifled laughter.

"That rowdy mob of malcontents and miscreants couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. Infact I have a video of them trying, quite amusing."

"Who are you talking to?"

"The audience."

"What audience?"

"The 5 or 6 people who actually read these RPs."

"Oh. When did you last take your medication?"

"Be quiet. Now...Where was I. Oh yes, Alan Shearer. The changes should be taking their effect very soon, it was a good thing he "escaped", wouldn't want him to be in Total n Utter Insanity when he...explodes."

Echoing maniacal laughter.

*phew, better*

CasariONESport

Interesting actions in group 3
Fan- "I think they're a bunch of loonies."

The continuing saga of Group 3 continues today, with the apparent discovery that Alan Shearer broke out of prison while insults fly.

"I sure am happy we're in group 5. That way our riots will seem more out of character." A fan said.

Big Gassy One!
Paper Bag?

Alan Shearer Was Discovered Today To Have A Bomb-In His Ass.
Shearer Then Farted And The Bomb Went To The Land Of Total N Utter Idiots.Yes My Farts Are Strong and smelly He Said After The Nation Was Disinfected Around The Area Where Shearer Farted.

All Of The Magpies Laughed At This Comment
That Rowdy Mob Of Malcontents and miscreants could fight their way out of a paper bag.

Well We Have A Video Of You King Of TNUI Land And A Thug In A Paper Bag Filled With POO Snogging the bag and each other!

Youre Medication Is Actually Liquid Poo Mixed By A Scientist In Our Land Who Was Executed After Mixing Poo Which a fan of yours licked infact,the same guy shearer pored beer on

Took from the Marshalliston Times...

Oliverry is drawn in Group 9 of the 24th World Cup of Soccer

They are placed with(ranks between parenthesis):

Squornshelous (12)
EL CID THE HERO (19)
Nedalia (42)
Oliverry (62)
Tonissia (84)
Trianland (138)
Palixia (175)
Groba (175)

Oliverry, everyone remembers, nearly qualified for World Cup 23 but failed in their last game. Oliverrian bookmarkers think that Oliverry will qualify 3rd of their group but are still not sure about that.

So, here is what the time's specialists give as final standings for Group 9:

Squornshelous
EL CID THE HERO
Oliverry
Nedalia
Tonissia
Trianland
Groba
Palixia

We ask to any reader all around the world to send in their predictions to predicswc24@marshallistontimes.oli

The person that gets the exact answer will win 500 Oliverrian Dollars.

Oliverry will play their first game against Groba

Oliverry, ranked 64th, will face a team ranked more than 100 place behind them. Groba is a team that nobody in Oliverry knows, but we know that they are competing in their first world cup. The Oliverrian Soccer Association wishes them Good luck for their games against Oliverry and every other teams in the group.

Shearer Heaven disappears in a flaming fart

It's rumoured Alan Shearer was a guinea pig of a new TnUFBI biological weapon, which of course they deny exist. The weapon turns the targets internal organs into an explosive gas, capable of taking out a small country. Although it's a pretty sudden death, it is said to be excruciatingly painful. What does this mean for Group 3? Well 2 less matches all around.

Shearer Heaven disappears in a flaming fart

It's rumoured Alan Shearer was a guinea pig of a new TnUFBI biological weapon, which of course they deny exist. The weapon turns the targets internal organs into an explosive gas, capable of taking out a small country. Although it's a pretty sudden death, it is said to be excruciatingly painful. What does this mean for Group 3? Well 2 less matches all around.

More Like Even Matches The Fart Bomb Just Narrowly Missed Your Country And Went Flying Into The Sea ,Who Said Shearer Heaven Got Blown Up? a nutcase! and it didnt get blown up!

The Nutcase=Total N Utter Insanity Spoke out Highliting his idioticness

Shearer Heaven Blown Up, Lie !
Bomb Just Misses TNUI Land

Blown Up Lie

Shearer Heaven Did not get Blown Up! Said Jackie Milburn Newly Elected Corpse Assistant Manager And Shearer Didnt get blown up This TNUI Is Insane!

Gazza also stated Why Did He Chuck Shearer In Jail Anyway? all he gained was knowing there was more than one copy of the king Of TNUI Land snogging a bag with turd in and a gay thug (who was also snogging poo and the king!)

The Only Damage Done To Shearer Heaven Was A Smell Which Was Sorted Out Straightaway!

This Just Makes Group 3 the most exciting and a good pre match argument

This Poo Medicine We Gave You (made by now dead scientist) Also Had A Turd Bomb in and will explode just about now! and will give your nation a poo coated king ( Permanent unremovable turd) and a turd smell and a poo coated capital.

Shearer Heaven has been put up to full scale security and is unpenitrable any attacks are repellable.

Milchama thanks their lucky stars that they are in group 1

People in Milchama after reading the tension in between TNUI and Shearer Heaven in Group 5 is happy to know that they are in group 1. A random guy named Dvir said "We may have the Hewbrew name for war as our nation name but that does not mean we want ceaseless rioting in our country." Then quickly changing his opinion the Dvir continued, "Actually you know what we should send mercenaries to try and stop the fighting there it is getting pretty bad right now. Yeh we should intervene in conflicts that are none of our business. Anyway the rioting and fighting is bad but if there is fighting we should be involved" Disclaimer- This is not the opinion of the Milchama government just a random guy off the street named Dvir

Milchama Bookies association reveals predictions

The Milchama Bookies Association (MBA) have revealed their predictions for Milchama's group 1. While public confidence in the team has them currently moving quickly up the standings the bookies stand confident that what they say will actually come close to true.

Predictions
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Milchama
The Lowland Clans
Pedriana
Dauna Hills
Liverpoolian
System Karela

[QUOTE=Milchama]Milchama thanks their lucky stars that they are in group 1

People in Milchama after reading the tension in between TNUI and Shearer Heaven in Group 5 is happy to know that they are in group 1. A random guy named Dvir said "We may have the Hewbrew name for war as our nation name but that does not mean we want ceaseless rioting in our country." Then quickly changing his opinion the Dvir continued, "Actually you know what we should send mercenaries to try and stop the fighting there it is getting pretty bad right now. Yeh we should intervene in conflicts that are none of our business. Anyway the rioting and fighting is bad but if there is fighting we should be involved" Disclaimer- This is not the opinion of the Milchama government just a random guy off the street named Dvir

Milchama Bookies association reveals predictions

The Milchama Bookies Association (MBA) have revealed their predictions for Milchama's group 1. While public confidence in the team has them currently moving quickly up the standings the bookies stand confident that what they say will actually come close to true.

Predictions
Turori
Nova Britannicus
Milchama
The Lowland Clans
Pedriana
Dauna Hills
Liverpoolian
System Karela[/QUOTE

Its Actually Group 3 And All I Wrote was id love to beat them And He Says Shearer Arrested! All im doing is Standing Up For My Nation ( Its Quite Fun Actually)

The Aeropag Tribune—Reporting the news that matters, before we know anything about it

World News: Total n Utter Insanity attacks Shearer Heaven, nation presumed destroyed
CDAV DAEDALUS—According to unreliable sources, an agency of the government of Total n Utter Insanity has suddenly and deliberately attacked the nation of Shearer Heaven (a participant in the qualifying rounds of the World Cup), destroying a significant portion, if not all, of the small nation. Because of the significant uncertainty surrounding the facts of this situation, the Capitalizt Defense Alliance has sent a derelict lifeboat, the CDAV Daedalus, to report on the status of Shearer Heaven’s population. At maximum speed, 1 km/h, it is estimated that the ship will reach the coast of Shearer Heaven in 1 year. Because the ship’s communication systems are not currently operational, it will have to return to Commerce Heights to submit its findings. With the significant strain caused by the extended voyage, we believe that the ship will sink no less than 80 km from Aeropag harbor, but if it does make it to land, we will report on the situation at that time. The CDA’s commander-in-chief, General John Sheppard, has refused to speculate on the situation, but warns that “Insanician reports of the destruction in Shearer Heaven may be grossly exaggerated.”

The Bureaucratic Tribune
Presented to you in beautifully generic typeface since 1603

The hoedown -- group twelve

MEGALOPOLIS CITY (BT) -- With the start of World Cup 24 in Druida and Krytenia eminent, group draws were only in order. Oglethorpia's Ostriches find themselves in group 12, among such notable footballing nations as Vilita, Svecia and Hockey Canada, and others like Elrich, Liamopolis-Liamton, The Jam Doughnut and Righteous Beliefs -- not to say Oglethorpia is in anyway notable.

For those not keen on paragraphs, but prefer lists, here is group 12 in its entirety;

Group 12
Vilita (11) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9350300&postcount=3)
Svecia (22)
Hockey Canada (39) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9398293&postcount=44)
Oglethorpia (53) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9392503&postcount=40)
Elrich (121) (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9353258&postcount=17)
Liamopolis-Liamton (147)
The Jam Doughnut (175)
Righteous Beliefs (175)

While the writers of the Tribune could put a final tables prediction here that would simply follow the seeds highest to lowest, they choose not to. In its place, the word "chicken."

CHICKEN

But all halarious gags and breaches of the fourth wall aside, Oglethorpia hopes to shed the 'Ostriches'-moniker this Cup with a qualification thus ending a long streak of mediocrity. Predictably, others disagree. Namely, ever-dismal Oglethorpian Association of Football President Joe Staplin. "Give them two or three more Cups to quali- well, nearly qualify. They'll always fall short, and we'll always call them the Ostriches for their ability to act like they're trying, but their efforts ultimately come to nothing."

Torrence Black, on the other hand, disagrees. "I, on the other hand, disagree. I think we will qualify."

The radical footballing fans of Oglethorpia take it a step further. "I fancy Oglethorpia will top the tables, in an incredible and unbelievable streak of luck and with just the tiniest semblance of skill."

Strictly focusing on Oglethorpia, Staplin predicts a 6-3-5 run. "I predict a 6-3-5 run," elaborated Staplin. "Strictly focusing on Oglethorpia, that is."

Torrence Black is a bit more optimistic, as always. "I reckon we'll go 8-4-4. I'm a bit more optimistic than Staplin, as always."

That said, the Ostriches' schedule is as follows.

1: Oglethorpia vs. Righteous Beliefs
2: Oglethorpia @ Elrich
3: Oglethorpia vs. Liamopolis-Liamton
4: Oglethorpia @ The Jam Doughnut
5. Oglethorpia @ Hockey Canada
6: Oglethorpia @ Vilita
7: Oglethorpia vs. Svecia
8: Oglethorpia @ Righteous Beliefs
9: Oglethorpia vs. Elrich
10: Oglethorpia @ Liamopolis-Liamton
11: Oglethorpia vs. The Jam Doughnut
12. Oglethorpia vs. Hockey Canada
13: Oglethorpia vs. Vilita
14: Oglethorpia @ Svecia

It remains to be seen if Oglethorpia will make the Cup-proper this 24th iteration of the tournament -- only the ensuing matchdays shall tell.

Someone's Been At The Longboat Ale Again
Vikings Should Do More Pillaging, Less Predicting

There's something rotten in the state of Fmjphoenix, but it only appears to be coming from their football 'experts', so we can deal with that straight off. Whatever those boys have been smoking, they ought to return it to Spruitland immediately before any major psychological effects take hold. The drug-addled Fmjphoenician 'pundits' appear to be under some sort of impression that their little green team can somehow triumph over the white-and-purple of Starblaydia over fourteen matches, twelve of those being against no-one in particular.

In fact, one might say that this group is entirely predictable. Top two nations of note go through - Starblaydia and Fmjphoenix, in that order - followed by the two vaguely-known nations - Finrods and Harlesburg - into the qualifier play-offs along with everyone else - four nations you won't have heard of unless you follow the Baptism of Fire and EWCC meetings incredibly closely.

In an effort to make Group Four seem exciting to get in lots of viewers for whichever one of the Fmjphoenician Broadcasters is showing the event, Group Four is actually a cakewalk for the top two teams, even more so for Starblaydia on their own. Nikola Lazerevski's side have enough quality to play the bottom four teams in this Group all at once on the same pitch, never mind one-on-one over two legs per nation.

The Vikings are attempting to take a 'giant leap into being a top footballing nation'. When they come out to the roar of ninety-six thousand people at the Jader Barbahlo Stadium in Jhanna on Matchday Five, they'll have a ninety-minute lesson in precisely how far they're going to have to leap before they can begin to count themselves amongst the great nations - nations such as Starblaydia.

Group 4
Starblaydia (6)
Fmjphoenix (25)
Harlesburg (34)
Finrods (56)
Tallionis (130)
Geisenfried (133)
Naleloospalakintula (175)
Prince Aidan (175)

MD Opponent Starblaydi Stadium
01 Tallionis Iota "Big Eye" Arena, Penningworth
03 Naleloospalakintula Silverlands, Corinth
05 Fmjphoenix Jader Barbhalo, Jhanna
07 Harlesburg Foundation Road, Jhanna
09 Geisenfried Victory Park, Vecchio
11 Prince Aidan Jhanna City Stadium, Jhanna
13 Finrods Bekkside Stadium, Tabeck

The Aeropag Tribune—Reporting the news that matters, before we know anything about it

World News: Total n Utter Insanity attacks Shearer Heaven, nation presumed destroyed
CDAV DAEDALUS—According to unreliable sources, an agency of the government of Total n Utter Insanity has suddenly and deliberately attacked the nation of Shearer Heaven (a participant in the qualifying rounds of the World Cup), destroying a significant portion, if not all, of the small nation. Because of the significant uncertainty surrounding the facts of this situation, the Capitalizt Defense Alliance has sent a derelict lifeboat, the CDAV Daedalus, to report on the status of Shearer Heaven’s population. At maximum speed, 1 km/h, it is estimated that the ship will reach the coast of Shearer Heaven in 1 year. Because the ship’s communication systems are not currently operational, it will have to return to Commerce Heights to submit its findings. With the significant strain caused by the extended voyage, we believe that the ship will sink no less than 80 km from Aeropag harbor, but if it does make it to land, we will report on the situation at that time. The CDA’s commander-in-chief, General John Sheppard, has refused to speculate on the situation, but warns that “Insanician reports of the destruction in Shearer Heaven may be grossly exaggerated.”

Only A Small Portion Of The Nation Is Destroyed, A new dock Milburns Dock, it was only 1 day old ( why take the young! but dont take the old!)

The Daily Druid

BLACK INVITED TO DRUIDAN SCHOOL
By Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po

Former Oglethorpia star Torrence Black has been invited to attend classes at one of Druida's top educational institutions, the Horace Orange School of Counting on Fingers and Toes, it was revealed yesterday.

Black claimed that his nation's current team would go 8-4-4 in qualifying, though the group stage only contains fourteen games each, not sixteen. Horace Orange, a half-Oglethorpian former NEWI Cefn Druids international himself, said "You really should check these things through before saying them out loud. I mean, it's no wonder Oglethorpia will get enough points to qualify if they play two more games than the others in the group.

Black's reply gave a simple explination for this. "I simply think we'll qualify through the play-offs," he told The Beauraucratic Tribune. "I just added the scores from those games into my figures."

In further reply, Orange now feels like a fool.

Breaking News!

Small Part Of TNUI Blown up!

Revenge but no more!

A Small Part Of TNUIs Beachland Was Destroyed And Major Hotel The Insanians Inn Was destroyed that inn brought in millions every Year.

Alan Shearer It Was Revenge But We Dont Want Anymore Fighting Just Name Calling! We"ll settle this on the pitch he also stated.


What Will TNUI Say about leaving the fighting and just going back to name calling and finally finish it on the pitch or are they afraid to leave weapons out of it? we dont know Till TNUI Replys!

[Shocking News:Enviroment going down the drain]

Scientists from the Dushanbe National University today released a shocking report in which a sudden increase in toxic gasses in the Atmosphere were noted, Peter Abashanov, the lead scientists said 'Everything was normal until our satelites picked up a strange cloud that appeared out of nowhere, as you can see on the map it most likely started in a nation called Shearer Heaven and drifted away from there, Desinfection teams were reported to have been seen in the area.'
The effect on our enviroment is obvious, not only will these gasses damage our ozonlayer, they have already killed substantial amounts of plantlife.
We do not yet know what exactly this cloud is made of but some rumours report an event called 'the big gassy one' and mention such names as Total n Utter Insanity and Alan Shearer. We are still looking into the matter and will give you more information when we get it'

[Tadjik in 'Group Of Death']

Today, while the rankings of the teams in the WC24 qualifications were released, Krytie TV gave group 3 the title 'Group of Death'. Coach Luchinsky had no answer but said he could come up with some possible reasons 'First of all there is the eavesdropping of teams like Shearer Heaven and New Montreal States, I saw a garbage bin move but I never thought there'd be a reporter hidden inside it. Its disgusting really, I mean, You'll never see me crawl into a garbage bin, I aint that crazy.
'Then there's this 'Big Gassy one' or whatever it is. Back there in the hall I heard someone say Total n Utter Insanity nuked another nation, I dont know what I should believe right now. All I know is that New Montreal States spokesmen are suffering from amnesia and are losing it, and they are going to lose more than just their memory.'
'And then last but not least there is the background of Krytenia, We all remember them, the hooligans from WC15, they are just trying to make more trouble. I was there you know, And I hope I get to go to the World Cup in Krytenia so I can pay them back for what they did to my beautiful capital all those years ago.'
When asked whether he would become a hooligan himself, Coach Luchinsky ended the interview, while insulting a nearby dumpster.

[Shocking News:Enviroment going down the drain]

Scientists from the Dushanbe National University today released a shocking report in which a sudden increase in toxic gasses in the Atmosphere were noted, Peter Abashanov, the lead scientists said 'Everything was normal until our satelites picked up a strange cloud that appeared out of nowhere, as you can see on the map it most likely started in a nation called Shearer Heaven and drifted away from there, Desinfection teams were reported to have been seen in the area.'
The effect on our enviroment is obvious, not only will these gasses damage our ozonlayer, they have already killed substantial amounts of plantlife.
We do not yet know what exactly this cloud is made of but some rumours report an event called 'the big gassy one' and mention such names as Total n Utter Insanity and Alan Shearer. We are still looking into the matter and will give you more information when we get it'

[Tadjik in 'Group Of Death']

Today, while the rankings of the teams in the WC24 qualifications were released, Krytie TV gave group 3 the title 'Group of Death'. Coach Luchinsky had no answer but said he could come up with some possible reasons 'First of all there is the eavesdropping of teams like Shearer Heaven and New Montreal States, I saw a garbage bin move but I never thought there'd be a reporter hidden inside it. Its disgusting really, I mean, You'll never see me crawl into a garbage bin, I aint that crazy.
'Then there's this 'Big Gassy one' or whatever it is. Back there in the hall I heard someone say Total n Utter Insanity nuked another nation, I dont know what I should believe right now. All I know is that New Montreal States spokesmen are suffering from amnesia and are losing it, and they are going to lose more than just their memory.'
'And then last but not least there is the background of Krytenia, We all remember them, the hooligans from WC15, they are just trying to make more trouble. I was there you know, And I hope I get to go to the World Cup in Krytenia so I can pay them back for what they did to my beautiful capital all those years ago.'
When asked whether he would become a hooligan himself, Coach Luchinsky ended the interview, while insulting a nearby dumpster.


We Do Not Spy on people.
We Just didnt have any idea what to write for our group 3 lowdown and looked at what they had give them the only nations we knew about were TNUI And Spruitland
We Dont want any more enemies

Shearers body guard gives king of TNUI Rock Bottom Threats of Attack Consequenses!

Monkey Crap Land!

The Rock Said these words earlier today

I Will do all i can to stop These Monkey Turd Heads Hurting Alan,If I See One TNUI Fan at an auction i will make them bid themselves for
50P NO 25P NO STICK 25P UP ALL YOUR CANDY ASSES ,SOLD!.

And One More Thing
If Ya Smeeeeeeelllll What The Rock is cookin
We will beat your candy asses so bad you wont show Your Grade A Monkey crap heads again!

Shearer Heaven: A few thing need to be addressed. Your font size needs to be reduced, for one. You have been warned before for spamming, and having participated in World Cups before, I know that there is absolutely no need to reply to every post within this thread. If you continue these actions, you will be warned.


~The Modified Freedom Forces of Euroslavia
Nationstates Forum Moderator~

Scale of Archregimancy task begins to sink in

Coach said to be despondent


Heads were seen to shake at Monastic Football Headquarters upon the release of the full group rankings, and Krytie TV's semi-official designation of Group 10 as the "Krytie TV Second Group of Death":

Group 10 - THE KRYTIE TV™ SECOND GROUP OF DEATH
Rejistania (2)
Eauz (15)
Wella (35)
Spaam (47)
Kaze Progressa (83)
The Archregimancy (175)
Poppuli (175)
Jewish Citizens (175)

"We were already worried at drawing defending champions Rejistania" said an MFA spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, "but seeing these rankings... that really brings home the scale of the task. If the team qualify, it'll be nothing short of a miracle - though of course through God, all things are possible. Beat Poppuli and Jewish Citizens, get a couple of upsets against Kaze Progressa, and hold Wella and Spaam to a couple of draws against all odds, and you never know."

Off the record, the same anonymous source stated "you don't believe that any more than I do, do you?", at which point your reporter urged his interviewee to have faith in the Lord.

Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Smolensk, was unavailable for comment following yesterday's unfortunate incident over the unseemly profanity and possible heresy. There are extraordinary rumours that World Cup Hall of Fame member Juan Tzimisces, retired star midfielder and captain of Alasdair I Frosticus in World Cups I-IV* has been approached to assist Coach Kyrill in an advisory capacity should the pressure prove to be too much.


*OOC: time passes differently in the Dreamed Realm - so a player from World Cups I-IV can easily still be alive and coaching for WC XXIV

Kodiak Daily Rabbler
Home to some rabbling for National Pride

Kodiaks get draw, make a tag before posting somethin fancy

Yeah, the headline says all. A proper RP when I am more awake ;)

TADJIKISTAN COACH ACCUSES NMS PRESS

Says we hide in trash cans

Marc Bouchard, editor-in-chief, New Montreal Presse-Devoir Journal:

Our reporters have been zealously covering events in the nations that form our group (group 3), sometimes risking life and limb (especially when bombs get farted around). Our information on Tadjikistani predictions and statements by their coach comes from their press and their press conferences. To accuse us of hiding in wastebaskets is unjustifiable, although we cannot speak for Shearers Heaven. For that matter, nobody can really speak for Shearers Heaven. But I digress.

The Presse-Devoir Journal has an honorable reputation among most nations. We are sorry that Tadjikistan does not believe that we are fairly covering their media and coaches as they comment on the upcoming World Cup.

Also, unlike other national publications their coach has accused, we can spell, capitalize, and punctuate at a fourth-grade standard.

If Tadjikistan's coaches or governing body have any issues with our coverage of their team or staff, we invite them to contact us using any means they choose.

Sunday 14th August 2005

Dear diary...

Well, the draw's been made, and it certainly looks interesting. First of all we've got PopularFreedom at The Gasworks. Apparently they're unranked, so that should be a nice warm-up for us. Mind you, it looks like they love to flood the midfield, so they might be tough to break down. After that we've got to travel to Viszonia - I've got no idea where there is, but they're also unranked so we should be okay.

Then we've got San-Lorenzo at Shubunkin Park. I dunno, those seasiders are crazy. First they rename their town after the President's dead goldfish, then they name their new stadium after it's breed. Wierdos. Anyway, this one should be tougher 'cos San-Lorenzo did pretty well in the Baptism of Fire. Then it's another away trip to another Baptism of Fire team, Kurumada. I think these guys got knocked out in the first round, so we should be okay here.

Now it gets interesting, cos then we've got Kericia at Lorshill's Stamping Ground. I love that stadium, it get bloody loud at the best of times. Apperently they designed it that way cos Lorshill United's fans love to jump around and stamp their feet, kinda like a rhino. Well, except for the jumping around part. And perhap the stamping around bit as well - I always thought they scraped the ground with their foot before charging at you... or is that bulls? Anyway, Kericia are a good team, they'll cause us some problems.

Speaking of bulls, we're away to Audioslavia next. Now that's gonna be a toughie, they're miles ahead of us in the rankings. Should be a good game, even if we do get slaughtered. I wonder who would win in a fight between a bull and an arora?

Mind you, the one we're all looking forward to is our local derbies with Bedistan. Yep, ANOTHER local derby. I think it's the fourth tournament in a row where we've been drawn against our neighbours. Let's see... we had Nedalia in the last World Cup qualifiers, then we had them again in AOCAF IX, and in the last Cup of Harmony... yes, Nedalia again - AND Hypocria too! Not that I'm complaining, I much prefer coaches to aeroplanes - you don't get stuck with people forever asking for your autograph. So I've heard anyway - I haven't been bothered by autograph hunters or paparazzi yet. I guess I'm not famous enough.

Anyway, Bedistan are one of the best teams in the world so the chances of us coming away with anything are pretty minute. Normally we play in a 5-3-2 formation, but one vaguely humourous tabloid journo was suggesting perhaps we oughta play like this...

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/bedi-formation.jpg

...not bloody likely.

Hmmm... I wonder who would win in a fight between a lion and an arora? Oh wait, that's already been done.

After that the fixtures are reversed. That means we're away to PopularFreedom, then we've got Viszonia at the Campus Ground. Nice ground, shame Grappenhall's populated by a bunch of eggheads. Ah well. Then we're travelling to San-Lorenzo... that could be a bit of a banana skin - I still rememeber that away trip to Vtorbetin, that defeat screwed us big time. After that we're playing Kurumada in Tamrida - I love that town, they got some lovely mosques there. After that we're away to Kericia, then it's the big two at home. First up we've got Audioslavia at the 'Cauldron of Noise' - that stadium is great and so are the home fans, as Lethislavania quickly found out. And then we finish up in our national stadium, the Stadiwm Bettia (with a W, so I'm told) to see if we can get anything off those Bedistan types.

Lets see, I was given a fixture list by the FAB - where did I put it? Ah yes:

MD1: Bettia vs PopularFreedom (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD2: Viszonia vs Bettia
MD3: Bettia vs San-Lorenzo (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD4: Kurumada vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Kericia (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD6: Audioslavia vs Bettia
MD7: Bedistan vs Bettia
MD8: PopularFreedom vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Viszonia (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: San-Lorenzo vs Bettia
MD11: Bettia vs Kurumadia (Thamitra Gate, Tamrida)
MD12: Kericia vs Bettia
MD13: Bettia vs Audioslavia (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)
MD14: Bettia vs Bedistan (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

Can't wait... BRING IT ON! (mind you, it looks like Group 3 has already kicked off)

Conures Prepare for World Cup Qualifiers

The Hurfordian national team, fresh from their victory in the Baptism of Fire were today given the details of the draw for their Wolrd Cup qualifying group.

The Conures have been drawn in group 6, alongside Oaker, Cockbill Street, Chicanada, Praying2God, Limbrogidlia, The South Packerlands and Nobbsinia, with the campaign opening with a match away to Oaker.

Manager Peter Langrishe told "White on Green", Hurfordia's leading sports daily, that he was relishing the draw.

"Obviously, the teams are unknown quantities for us to an extent, although our scouts are out looking at them. It's definitely going to be a tough opening match, given that Oaker are right up there. In all honesty, it won't be easy to qualify, but I hope we'll be able to give a good account of ourselves."

When asked whether the Conure could qualify, he refused to be drawn, but admitted that he was "quietly confident".

Hurfordia will hope that their exploits in the Baptism of Fire will give them some real impetus to go on in the tournament, and a further boost to the current boom in interest that Hurfordian domestic football is enjoying. First Division club Janus, the home club of goalscoring hero Cornelius Sulla, has seen demand for season tickets rise by 200% on this time last year, and even lower league clubs are finding an increased interest, as Anson Park reported a capacity crowd for their recent friendly against Kingstown United. Indeed, this very papaer has recently agreed a sponsorship deal with First Division Rocklands Athletic.

Hurfordia have been ranked 92nd in the World by the tournament organisers.

Fixtures and venues;

1. Oaker v Hurfordia
2. Hurfordia v Praying2God, at National Stadium, Hurfordia
3. Chicanada v Hurfordia
4. Hurfordia v Cockbill Street, at Foreshore Park, Fleet
5. Hurfordia v The South Packerlands, at The Colosseum, Ravenna
6. Nobbsinia v Hurfordia
7. Hurfordia v Limbrogdilia, at Samson Memorial Stadium, Unity City
8. Hurfordia v Oaker, at The Old Iron Works Ground, Portown
9. Praying2God v Hurfordia
10. Hurfordia v Chicanada, at Le Stade des Iles, Rocklands
11. Cockbill Street v Hurfordia
12. The South Packerlands v Hurfordia
13. Hurfordia v Nobbsinia, at Hearts Park, Corcaigh
14. Limbrogdilia v Hurfordia

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Lions and bulls and aroras, oh my!

KAINIA -- The Bedistan national football team is already hard at work training in their brand new top-of-the-line training ground in the resort city of Kainia in the islands of Henderson province. Says team manager Mike Davidson, "The world has come to expect a lot from us. And we have to be ready to live up to their expectations."

And indeed, such expectations most likely include a first-place finish in World Cup 24 Qualifying Group 11, which our Lions share with seven other nations. In an unprecedented move, we shall now give each of them a review in reverse order by ranking.

Viszonia - Located in Antarctica, Viszonia is surely a very cold place, which will likely prove disconcerting to all team members with the possible exception of Gordon Porter, who plays his club football in Hockey Canada. Luckily for us, this team is unranked, so we should be able to get an easy win even playing away, provided we don't all catch frostbite first.

PopularFreedom - A somewhat ironically-named nation, with "rare" civil rights and "below average" political freedoms according to the UN. Another unranked nation that we should have no problems with.

Kurumada - This is a nation that appears to have strong Japanese influences, particularly with regard to its flag. They participated in the most recent Baptism of Fire, but did not have great success and retain a #138 ranking.

San-Lorenzo - This is a fairly nondescript nation, but they did do reasonably well in the Baptism of Fire, breaking into the top 100 in the world. Still unlikely to be a significant threat, though.

Kericia - Another somewhat generic nation, but apparently stronger in football than most give them credit for, ranked #52 in the world. Shouldn't have too much trouble, but be careful not to underestimate them.

Bettia - And BAM! suddenly things get interesting. Not only are they in Atlantian Oceania, the effective home of football on the world stage, but they are in fact Bedistan's southern neighbors. Any AO team is certainly a force to be reckoned with, but Bettia will be even more motivated than usual playing against us. The Lions will need to be at the top of their game here, especially in the away fixture on the final matchday. Bedistan am byth!

Audioslavia - Audioslavia are in a bit of a slump recently. Actually, if you ask this reporter, they've always been in a slump. Bedistan and Audioslavia have met numerous times in the last 75 years, and they know each other well. Recall, of course, that Audioslavia hold the dubious distinction of being the only team to lose more World Cup finals than Bedistan (three as of this writing). While we'd like to be arrogant and simply write them off...we'll be arrogant and simply write them off.


Our prediction for the group is pretty simple: the top four will finish exactly as predicted by rank - that's Bedistan, Audioslavia, Bettia, and Kericia, in that order - and the bottom four will shuffle amongst themselves in a way that doesn't really matter anyway.

In related news, for the first time in a while, all the qualifying matches will not be held at Fillmore National Stadium in Sonoma City. This is apparently due to the Bedistan Football Association receiving complaints that billions of Bedistanis had no possibility of seeing a match live due to living so far away. Therefore, each home game will take place at a different venue. All venues have been decided except for one - debate is currently ongoing as to whether the Bettia match should be held at the Porcupine Palace in Alexandria, one of Bedistan's newest and largest stadiums, or at South Coast Arena in Hendersonburg, literally within sight of the Bettian border.

The Schedule
MD1: v San-Lorenzo (Westin Stadium, Graceville)
MD2: @ Kurumada
MD3: v PopularFreedom (Southside Stadium, Yuba)
MD4: @ Viszonia
MD5: v Audioslavia (Fillmore National Stadium, Sonoma City)
MD6: v Kericia (Holmes Stadium, Columbia)
MD7: v Bettia (venue TBD)
MD8: @ San-Lorenzo
MD9: v Kurumada (Stadium X, Rolestu)
MD10: @ PopularFreedom
MD11: v Viszonia (Akoki Stadium, Port Lusambo)
MD12: @ Audioslavia
MD13: @ Kericia
MD14: @ Bettia (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

CasariONENews

Group 5 seemingly much less interesting than others
"We have to be the quietest group ever."

Because of a total lack of anything going on the the group, the Casari Soccer Authority decided to publish the nation's schedule.

@ One Red Dot
vs. Sonaron
@ Kipto-Mare
vs. Five Civilized Nations
vs. Nanakaland
@ Greecedonia
vs. Yafor 2
vs. One Red Dot
@ Sonaron
vs. Kipto-Mare
@ Five Civilized Nations
@ Nanakaland
vs. Greecedonia
@ Yafor 2

"Sadly, we're not shipping the team around the country for our home games." GM Hill said when the schedule was released. "All home games will take place at Tyrrelian National Stadium." Tyrellia City's stadium, with a capacity of 67,994, is only the second largest stadium in the country (Tyrellia Hill holds 98,423), National Stadium has the most historical interest, and is best set up to seperate home and away fans to prevent violence.

Also, the new International team kits were revealed and went on sale to the public today. The new home kit has a dark red top and dark blue shors with whire trim and numbers, while the away kit has blue and white hoops, white shorts, and red numbers.

Pschychoes Draw Group 9

Squornshelous Faces off against some other teams

The Championship Deprived State of Squornshelous makes a little bit of history by participating in its 20th World Cup qualifying. In all this time, the Pschychoes have never brought home the trophy, coming agaonizingly close on multiple occasions, losing to Comerce Heights in the WC XV final, losing to Kaze Progressa in the semis of WC XVIII and then to Iansisle in the third place match of that tournament, and most recently, losing to our perrenial rivals Audioslavia in the Semifinal of WC XX, having to be content with third place after a defeat of Rejistania. As always, Squornshelan fans and players find themselves asking each other, themselves, and the guy who empties the trash each morning the same question: "Is this our year?" The answer? Probably no, but who knows, we're here on that chance. Ranked outside the top ten for the first time since WC20, the Pschychoes havve a little something to prove this time around.

Group 9:
Squornshelous (12)
EL CID THE HERO (19)
Nedalia (42)
Oliverry (62)
Tonissia (84)
Trianland (138)
Palixia (175)
Groba (175)

EL CID THE HERO:
Those CAPITALIZED jerks. We still remember who it was knocked us out of World Cup 21. These guys have got it coming and the Pschychoes are just itching to give it to 'em. This'll be a closely fought pair of matches, and I do mean fought. Both teams have a shot at winning the group, and neither will want to give anything away to the other.

Nedalia:
We don't know a whole lot about this team, never having played them in international competition. One of their substitute midfielders, Ali Fouad, does play for Squornshelan club team Vogsphere United. His teammate, Petr Skritsch is a starter for the Pschychoes.

Oliverry:
Another team we don't know much about. Oliverry shouldn't pose much of a problem to the strong team fielded by Squornshelous this year, however, we definitely won't overlook them as a possible threat.

Tonissia:
Tonissia have played very well in international play so far given their relative inexperience. We expect them to make a fairly good showing, possibly upsetting Oliverry and maybe even Nedalia. They're about the lowest ranked team in this group with a chance to qualify.

Trianland:
After a decent showing in this Cup's Baptism of Fire Cup where they reached the Vilita Region Quarterfinals, losing to eventual champions Hufordia, Trianland still hav next to no chance of qualifying. Sorry guys, it just ain't gonna happen.

Palixia & Groba
Fresh Meat!!! I mean, n00bs, no wait, I meant, Cup newcomers. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. These two teams have elected to jump right into the cup and will have difficulty recording 6 points. On a random hunch we think Groba will finish dead last, possibly out of the entire field. But then again, that might be the drugs talking.

Squornshelous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins draws losses
Matchday 1: Squornshelous v Tonissia
Matchday 2: Trianland v Squornshelous
Matchday 3: Squornshelous v Palixia
Matchday 4: Groba v Squornshelous
Matchday 5: Squornshelous v EL CID THE HERO
Matchday 6: Squornshelous v Oliverry
Matchday 7: Squornshelous v Nedalia
Matchday 8: Tonissia v Squornshelous
Matchday 9: Squornshelous v Trianland
Matchday 10: Palixia v Squornshelous
Matchday 11: Squornshelous v Groba
Matchday 12: EL CID THE HERO v Squornshelous
Matchday 13: Oliverry v Squornshelous
Matchday 14: Nedalia v Squornshelous

Locations for matches held in Squornshelous will be announced later.

OOC: Following a suggestion Druida sent to me via telegram, thought I'd bring this over from the other thread...


There is the code.

Only the code.

Repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating.

You have all heard it. Your parents have heard it - your lover too. Your siblings, your children, your neighbours....

In your dreams, every night, for the past week you hear it.

There is no escape.

DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD

KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK

DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD

KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK

DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD

KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK

What can it possibly mean?

----------------------------------------------------

The Archregimancy
August 15th - The Dormition of our Most Holy Lady the Mother of God and Ever-Virgin Mary


"Greetings, Fr. Theophilus - How's the Dreamed Realm (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/The_Dreamed_Realm) World Cup marketing campaign going?"

"Oh, hello Fr. Christophoros. It's going really well! By the end of the week, every monk in the Archregimancy (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/The_Archregimancy) should know we're entering a team - even the more ascetic hermits. All we have to do is set aside about 150 monks from their usual dream-duties to send the appropriate message."

"And there's no chance of this spilling outside the Dreamed Realm?"

"No. Not really. Well...."

"Well what?"

"Well... you see, with some monks currently travelling through ordinary physical reality to open portals to the Dreamed Realm for our upcoming World Cup qualifiers, there's an ever so slight chance of dream-seepage"

"How slight is 'ever so slight', Fr. Theophilus?"

"Fr. Christophoros, I very much doubt that anyone will notice anything out of the ordinary..."

Game Hosting Plans Announced

Due to the fact that the Yaforites are hosting six games, as every body else are, the Yaforite Football Association has announced their plans for their stadium. While it is not a very large stadium (in comparison to others), Yaforites are notoriously stiff-handed regarding spending money on athletic stadia and other such things, such as tracks for running uponb. In fact, they only spend money on school stadia.

This stadium, the Zydrakos Dome in Ajer is a strong, popular stadium. Built in 1877, it has a capacity of 42,449, making it the largest stadium in the capital city of Ajer. Originally planned to be the second largest stadium with a capacity of 100,000 (behind Ramen United) that plan was scrapped for the current one. Outside seating makes it have a capacity of around 87,343, by an official count, which may not be correct.

The stadium, which, incidentally, is the home of last year's LIDYT chamions Ajer FC, is reknowned also for it's law enforcement. This time, law enforcement is a priority. Some tourists have said "it's like their hosting the World Cup Final, not six qualifiers!" Over 40,000 Ajerite policemen will be in attendance, as well as 120,000 members of the Yaforite army. While it is not certain that this number is there so more people can watch the game, it is not like anyone cares. Around the staium will be metal detectors, bomb-sniffing dogs, and enough high-tech security gagets to make an airport cry. It is rumored that over 400 SRACH agents will be in the crowd, but it is unlikly that they will be doing their job, due to Football Fever that rules Yafor 2. Security is also tight since the Elected Duke and his entire Circle of Ministers will be attending all the home games.

In other news, the team would still like an Assistant Manager with international World Cup experience. All applications must be addressed to the Yaforite FA.

-Excerpt from The Ajerite Sun.

"Finally!" gasped William "back on the ground." He'd been up there at least two hours waiting for the sleep-contracting weirdo shammy guy to get his 'big ladder' to help him down. The night in the trash-can had taken its toll. Not only had he got cramp in his legs, but he now smelled like a sweaty Insanician pig-farmer in a Bedistani whore-house. An hour longer and he'd have smelled of something far worse: A Squornshelean.

A long shower, a change of clothes and a quick wank later, William was back on a plane destined for Audioslavia. No alcohol. No alcohol at all. He needed to get back as quick as possible and as sober as possible in order to complete his new task: Stop Vilkaous managing Audioslavia.

William's reasoning was simple. It wasn't because Helmut Vilkaous was a bad manager - he wasn't - and it wasn't because he had anyone else in mind - he didn't. William didn't want Vilkaous to manage Audioslavian for one simple reason. He was fucking Vilitan. William HATED the fucking Vilitans, much than he hated Insanicians. Much more than he hated Rejistanians and much more than he hated Sqournshelean. Only his hatred for Kevin Smith films was greater than his hatred for the fucking Vilitans. William's idea of hell was sitting in a Rejistanian coffee lounge in the company of the Squornshelean WC4 team who are all listening to commentary from the WC20 final and quoting lines from 'Mallrats'. Whilst being felt up by Colonel Sanders of the TnUFBI.

The plane touched down in Auden National Airport six hours later. A long taxi-ride later and he was at the A.F.A. headquarters, where he'd been just twenty-four hours earlier, happy as larry and ready to meet his compadres. Ready to chose a new manager. Now, he was panicked. He had to stop Vilkaous from meeting the rest of the AFA, and he had to stop the AFA from announcing that Vilkaous would be the new manager of Audioslavia. He'd only had a few hours sleep in the trash can and he'd reckoned that, whatever he did between being dragged out of the bar by Ricky and waking up in that garbage can, it can't have been over a long period of time. Surely, surely had got here quicker than Vilkaous could have. He rushed inside the building.
"Hello William! Well done! Vilkaous is quite a catch! Why weren't you at the press conference?". For about two and a quarter seconds, William hated his secretary more than anything in the world. Possibly even more than 'Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back'. He walked up to his secretary, put his head on the counter and wept.
"Mr Branstone? Mr Branstone? What's wrong? Hey its a good thing! I heard he's a great manager and a great guy. He's taking me out for dinner tonight!"
William stopped his weeping and looked at his secretary. She was pretty, blonde, about twenty-four and he'd been trying to get in her pants since she first got the job. Now this fucking Vilitan had got in there on his first day.
"Fine" he thought. "If i can't stop him being the manager, i can make his life a living fucking hell...."

Vilkaous Warns of Audioslavia (http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/target=display_nation/nation=audioslavia) Threat

History was made today as Audioslavia unveiled their newest manager. The first overseas manager ever to take charge of the Audioslavian side: Helmut Vilkaous of Vilita

At a press conference, vice-president of the A.F.A. Colin Dwyer made two announcements. First of all came the news that the AFA, as well as the government, had promised to back Shearer Heaven all the way against TnUI. Said Mr. Dwyer: "Anyone who steps up against the Insanicians has our backing, go Shearer!".

Secondly came the reasoning on why there was an empty seat in the centre of the table. Dwyer again stepped up. The press held its breath. The rumours were rife over which man would take the job. Some said Gregor Johnstone, some went for Aaron O`Malley, but the big money was on Jodey Tessem. At that press conference, the world was expecting Jodey Tessem to step out to mass applause and take on the task of being manager of Audioslavia. Its not to be. In Dwyer's exact words;
"Ladies and gentlemen, a new manager has been chosen... We're very excited and believe that he is the man who can change Audioslavia's fortunes. Please welcome the new manager of Audioslavia..... Helmut Vilkaous".

The announcement was greeted by stunned silence by the often xenophobic Audioslavian press, apart from one solitary - but loud - voice:

"BUT HE'S FUCKING VILITAN!!!"

more to come...

Interview between Fr. Nicholas the Scribe (reporter for the Monastic Times) and Fr. John the Golden-Throated (Archregimancy commentator for the upcoming live coverage of WC XXIV qualification)

“Well, Fr. John, there’s no doubt that we’re really up against it in World Cup qualifying, with the Archregimancy playing the top four teams in the group – all nations with extensive World Cup histories – in the first four matches. Do we stand any chance at all”

“Through God, all things are possible, Fr. Nicholas, but there’s no doubting that this is going to be tough. But as has already been pointed out, if suffering is good for the soul, then our team will certainly have achieved spiritual growth by the end of our ten matches”


Fr. John the Golden-Throated was kind enough to offer his opinion on the Archregimancy’s chances in the first set of qualifying matches:

Matchday 1: Eauz v The Archregimancy
This is a tough, tough start to the campaign, with our Monastic brethren travelling to the Empire of Eauz, winners of World Cup XVI, and third-placed team in World Cup XV. While Eauz haven’t reached those heights since, they’re still the 15th-ranked team in the tournament. Surely it’ll be a miracle if our brave lads come away from this one walking on water.

Matchday 2: The Archregimancy v Rejistania
And things don’t get any easier for our footballing monks in the second game, with defending Champions, five-time finalists, and four-time winners Rejistania making the trip through the portal to the Dreamed Realm. Our only real hope – other than a miracle – is that the Orange-Blues will be put off by by playing inside the Belly of a Whale (The Dreamed Stadium’s form for the qualifiers) and having to stand for the entire Divine Liturgy right before the game.

Matchday 3: Spaam v The Archregimancy
At which point our lads have to travel to Spaam, twice World Cup runners-up (WC VII and XIII), and once third-placed (WC VI); while their glory days seem to be far behind them, they remain a top-fifty team. Frankly, if we don’t pick up a draw in this match, we’re probably finished (short of a miracle). It may, however, be entertaining to see what sort of stadium Spaam might provide for the match.

Matchday 4: The Archregimancy v Wella
And the heretics who made the draw now have us hosting the third-best team in the group. Here, however, we might actually stand a ghost of a chance. Possibly. Maybe. While Wella are a top-forty squad, they failed to qualify for WC XXIII, and finished bottom of Group A in the finals of WC XXII, losing all of their matches, conceding 10 goals, and scoring none. But they’re still ranked 140 spots above us. Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, believes that a victory here with a draw in matches 1 or 3 is what we should be aiming for in the first four games if we’re to stand any chance of qualification. Which I suspect means he’s written off the Rejistania match entirely.

Matchday 5: The Archregimancy v Jewish Citizens
The Jewish Citizens may be God’s chosen people, but we’re cautiously optimistic that the Lord will instead favour our Orthodox Christian brethren in this, our first clash against one of our fellow first-time entrants.

Matchday 6: Poppuli v The Archregimancy
Concern is growing at Monastic Football Association HQ about the trip to Poppuli following this recent announcement:
Times have been tough in Poppuli lately, there has been riots, troublemakesrs were shot. Oh, did I mention the seizing of all rights the press had? Also in response to the government's fear of opposition to the government on their national soccer team they've decided to not publish or even disclose the identities of their team. The team will wear black ski masks to cover their face to keep citizens to reconise the team members and gain poppularity. This raises the question; is poppularity the only reason for the ski masks? The MFA are considering an appeal to the WCC to force Poppuli to play all matches at a neutral venue.

Matchday 7: Kaze Progressa v The Archregimancy
Kaze Progressa are a team with a long and rich World Cup history, even reaching the final of WC XVIII. Why then are they only ranked 83rd in the world? Because, their healthy and inspiring enthusiasm for all types of sporting endeavour is arguably only matched by their inability to turn enthusiasm into success (WC XVIII aside). An upset win here following wins in the preceding two matches might – might – just possibly – give our lads an outside chance of the most outrageous world cup qualifying success in World Cup history. Admittedly unlikely, but – repeat after me – through God all things are possible.


A review of the return legs will follow after matchday 7

OOC: Some RL things brought me back to where I had regular computer access sooner than expected, and just in time to make an entrance into this WC.

IC:

TIME FREEZE COMES TO SURPRISINGLY EARLY END

The time freeze that came over Praying2God at the end of WC XXII came to a stunningly quick end. However, they soon realized that they were apparently the only nation affected by the time freeze and that an entire WC took place in their absence, dropping them significantly in the rankings. The Warriors are jumping right back into the thick of the battle however, with the hopes that they will soon reach unchartered waters for a Praying2God soccer team...qualifying for the WC. While most consider it to be unlikely that the Warriors will qualify, we have to remind ourselves that a 110th ranked Warriors squad made a surprising run at qualifying for WC XX, and even held a qualifying spot halfway through qualifying, before falling just short.

Somewhere in Oliverry...

Jean Soqueure, OSA's president: "When will the Druidan arrive? He's already a hour late..."

Réjean Lechinouas: "He was late, he arrived from Hockey Canada, from what we heard. He was cheering for his national hockey team and, from what he said, was searching his "beer-flavoured water"."

Jean: "What is that... "Beer-flavoured water" you're talking me about?"

Rejean: "It was invened in Hockey Canada. It's some water that they succesfully put the beer flavour in it, so that under 10 years-old think they are cool because they drink "beer"."

Jean: "Let's hope it doesn't taste like Oliweiser... Oh! There is our Druidan person we were waiting. Hi sir"

Druida Fan 1: "Hi Mr. Sucker."

Jean: (whispering to Rejean) "Did he insult me that bastard?"

Rejean: (whispering to Jean) "No, he didn't.'

Jean: (blind gesticuling)"You, speaking, French?"

Druida Fan 1: "Oui, un peu."

Jean: "Ok. So, will you understand me if we speak in French?"

Druida Fan 1: "Yes, I will."

*****Starting now, the conversation is translated from French*****

Jean: "Ok, why did you want to come here?"

Druida Fan 1: "Well, I wanted to talk to you about the World cup. I'll help you with the Druidan strategy, how to not get ill eating Druidan food, how not being drunk in Druida. If you want, I can help you to retrieve yourself anywhere in Druida."

Jean: "Why do you want that? Aren't you happy in Druida?"

Druida Fan 1: "I still like 1000 times being in the northern climate of Hockey Canada that being in Druida. But, I stil like my country because it has done many things for me."

Jean: "I accept your proposition. Did you bring your "Beer-Flavoured Water"? And no, I'm not talking about that Water-flavoured Beer that you'll find everywhere in Oliverry."

Druida Fan 1: "Yes I did. Do you want to taste it?"

Jean: "Will we get drunk if we drink that?"

Rejean gets discouraged...

Druida Fan 1: "No, this is water."


To be continued...

John Carlson (JC): We welcome you to the WC XXIV preview show! I’m John Carlson and joining me are my fellow announcers David Tall and Lisa Simonson. We’re here to talk about the upcoming WC, where the Warriors will be looking to rise to prominence. Lisa, let’s start with you…you had a chance to get a look at the House of Prayer yesterday. How does it look, and will it be ready for the Warriors first match of qualifying?

Lisa Simonson (LS): Absolutely, John. All 95,000 seats are in good condition. The structure is undamaged, and the playing surface looks immaculate. It doesn’t look like the time freeze did any damage to the Warriors’ home stadium.

JC: That’s good to hear, Lisa. David, you had a chance to go and watch the Warriors work out yesterday. What did you see that the fans should know? Will we have a new look Warriors squad on the field for WC XXIV?

David Tall (DT): A lot of the faces are the same, John. The only personnel changes to the roster are Laurel Thompson, the Warriors’ back-up keeper was replaced by Brianna Smith, a rising star locally. Also, Kendall Hall was removed from the roster and replaced by Kylie Holly, Christine’s younger sister. However, the biggest change for the Warriors lies in their formation. After playing three WCs in a 4-3-3, and not qualifying for any of those WCs, the Warriors have now changed to a 4-4-2. Which means there are changes to the starting line-up. Amanda Tracy is now the fourth and final forward on the Warriors’ depth chart, behind Sarah King. Alissa Madison, who was a reserve forward, was moved to midfield and promptly named the fourth starting midfielder for the Warriors.

JC: I’ve also heard that the Warriors have been making headlines in the Praying2God tabloids. Care to explain that, Lisa?

LS: No problem, John. None of these things come as any surprise to anybody who has closely followed the Warriors over the past couple of WCs. For starters, reserve defenders Ellen Davis and Loren Peterson, who were engaged before the time freeze, have now married and announced that this will be their final WC. That’s why you see Ellen listed as Ellen Peterson now on the Warriors’ roster. Also no surprise, starting defenders Luke Royal and Jenna Sullivan have announced their engagement, which had long since been expected by those in the media. The same applies to starting midfielders Kevin Faith and Christa Nelson, as they have now announced that they are engaged as well. However, the biggest story is the one that nobody has any confirmation on, but is the hot gossip topic amongst the tabloids. There have been sources that claim that starting keeper Sarah Walker and star forward Thomas Larson are in a relationship as well, but nobody has gotten any confirmation on that, and neither of them and none of their friends are saying anything on the topic.

JC: That’s certainly a story that we’re going to have to follow as this WC progresses, Lisa. Thank you for that report. David, we’ve just gotten word that the draw has been released for WC XXIV. Care to take us through the Warriors’ schedule and what we can expect from the rest of their group?

DT: With pleasure, John. The Warriors will be able to ease their way back into WC competition with a series of matches that they should be able to win before they get to the teams in their group that are ranked ahead of them. Here’s a copy of the Warriors’ schedule…

(the schedule appears on screen, shown below)
vs. Nobbsinia (175)
at Hurfordia (92)
vs. Limbrogidlia (138)
at The South Packerlands (175)
at Chicanada (29)
at Oaker (9)
vs. Cockbill Street (20)
at Nobbsinia (175)
vs. Hurfordia (92)
at Limbrogidlia (138)
vs. The South Packerlands (175)
vs. Chicanada (29)
vs. Oaker (9)
at Cockbill Street (20)

DT (continuing): With two international soccer newcomers in the group, the Warriors should have no problem reaching four wins, and should pick up at least three or four more from their other matches, especially those with the other two teams in the group ranked below them. Lisa, let’s go through the rest of Group 6 for the fans.

LS: Sure, David. Although, there’s not a whole lot of information that we have on the remaining teams in this group. Nobbsinia and The South Packerlands are both newcomers to the international soccer world and thus share a ranking of 175th. We have no knowledge on either of these nations, but I definitely think the name of the later was come up with by somebody who had had a bit too much to drink.

DT: Limbrogidlia and Hurfordia are also a pair of newer arrivals to the WC scene. The only information I have on them is that they both participated in the recently concluded Baptism of Fire tournament, and that Hurfordia put in a decent showing while Limbrogidlia struggled.

LS: Chicanada is an interesting study. The Warriors have no remembrance of a team from that nation participating in a WC previously, but somehow they are ranked as one of the best teams in the world now. The match-ups between them and the Warriors should be interesting to watch, as they will likely be the teams battling for the third and final qualifying position.

DT: Now we get into the more recognizable names to casual WC fans. Cockbill Street has been around for quite a while, and is still one of the top teams in the world, as they hold down the 20th position in the rankings. However, they tend to qualify and then get bounced early in the WC finals. They have had a couple of deep runs, however, and will be tough to beat. The Warriors should be able to hang tough with them, however.

LS: I would like to know how Oaker managed to become one of the ten best teams in the world so quickly. They seemingly rose from nowhere to ninth in the world while time was frozen in Praying2God. Being that Oaker has apparenly become an elite team, it will be tough for the Warriors to earn any points against them, but they’ve knocked off higher rungs on the totem pole before.

JC: That’s all the time we have for now. Tune in next time for the Warriors opening match from the House of Prayer against Nobbsinia.

The Objective is Crystil Clear

The groups for the 24th edition of the World Cup have been drawn and Hypocria have been placed in Group 7. FA Chief Alex Scott seemed happy enough with the draw,

"Four years ago we were the fifth ranked team in the group and this time we're fourth so we must be improving. The Crystils will probably walk away with the group but if we can take our recent AOCAF form into the qualifiers I'm confident we can sneak a place in the finals. This draw could have been much worse for us."

So who will the Hyppos be facing in their quest for a first World Cup qualification?


Group 7
Crystilakere
Jeruselem
Haperd
Hypocria
Ruventsoria
Klakistany
0-0 Is Evil
Southern Manchester


Crystilakere
The former world champions are easily favourites to finish top. Jeruselem will probably prove their toughest opponents but everyone else could well be brushed aside with ease. There has been one previous meeting between Hypocria and Crystilakere, a goalless draw at AOCAF IX.

Jeruselem
A tough prospect at any level of the game, Jeruselem are ranked way ahead of the remaining six teams in the group and will be overwhelming favourites to finish second.

Haperd
A side we know little about but they are ranked nine places above the Hyppos so they are certainly no pushovers.

Ruventsoria
In a highly competitive Baptism of Fire Ruventsoria went all the way to the final but fell at the very last. The Lions may be ranked well below the top four teams but will be full of confidence after their excellent BoF run.

Klakistany
Another Baptism of Fire participant but with a distinctly different record. They lost every game and that dismal run could well continue.

The two remaining teams are ranked right at the bottom of the table and look set to battle for the dubious honour of not finishing with the wooden spoon. Ironically 0-0 is Evil may find that there are much worse results than the goalless draw while Southern Manchester provide the Hyppos with their first opponents.

The first game, against Southern Manchester at the Hyppodrome, should provide a decent warm up for the much tougher trip to Ruventsoria on matchday 2. Matches against 0-0 is Evil and Klakistany follow which could see the Hyppos gain plenty of points ahead of the crucial game against Haperd in the fifth round of matches.

Colin Dwyer didn't like the silence. He was expecting... maybe a round of applause? Granted, he didn't expect his boss William Branstone to give the job to a non-Audioslavian, especially a Vilitan non-Audioslavian, but he figured that if The Biggest Xenophobe in Audioslavia was OK for a Vilitan to take the Audioslavia job, then it was OK for him too. Of course, what he didn't know was that Vilkaous was given the job while William was in a drunken stupor and, upon bumping into Vilkaous in the hotel, bet him 20 Quids that he couldn't take Audioslavia to the world cup final again. Vilkaous had took the bet and come straight to Audioslavia with a copy of the contract, and here he was, taking the job publically.

A voice sprang from the crowd. The voice of Jimmie Fecksaway, editor of the nation's most notorious tabloid 'The Bull'.
"But he's fucking Vilitan!". Colin edged closer to the microphone. He looked to Vilkaous, who simply sat back and smiled. "Mr. Vilkaous... Mr. Vilkaous will be answering some questions now...". The members of the press all seemed to rifle through their notes, trying to find a question that wasn't originally written to be answered by Jodey Tessem.
"Helmut..." inquired a solitary voice from the front "why... why take the job?"
"Thats easy" replied Helmut Vilkaous immediately. "After Vilita let me go, i wanted a bigger challange. Vilita was easy because their side was good, but Audioslavia are historically shite, so it'll be a nice challenge for me."
The press were again stunned into silence. Who was this bastard?
"He's fucking Vilitan!" cried Jimmie Fecksaway, again.
"You're right, I am" replied Vilkaous. "Now, can i have a question from someone who isn't a complete fucktard?"
"I have a question". A lone figure entered through the door at the back. He was tall and thin, with hair as white as a pale man in a Starblaydia football shirt. The paleness was contrasted by his attire. Dressed in gun-slinger black, complete with a black hat on his white hair. Vilkaous looked up, his smirk wiped from his face for a few seconds.
"And who are you?" Vilkaous asked. The man walked into the light.
"Who am I?" started the man. He walked a few paces forward again. "Who am I...?". The strange man took off his hat. "I'm Jeremy Jaffacake, bitch, and i have a fucking question."

to be continued

Group 11:
Bedistan (3)
Audioslavia (18)
Bettia (41)
Kericia (52)
San-Lorenzo (98)
Kurumada (138)
PopularFreedom (175)
Viszonia (175)

Lions Get Group 11

San-Lorenzo was placed into Group 11 in the official Draw for the World Cup 24 Qualification Round. We will face off against several very good teams and hope to finish somewhere in the middle of the pack. While we have an outside chance at qualifying, it seems highly unlikely, as the rank gap between the third and fourth seeded teams (Bettia at 41 and Kericia at 52) and ourselves at 98 is quite large. We will have to play very well against the bottom of the group, and will hopefully be able to defeat our fellow first timers. Who knows, we may even pull of a 4-0 defeat of Audioslavia like a first timer once did, wouldn't that be something. In a more realistic view, we will probably not finish above 5th, and will have to play very hard to do that. While we may have a better ranking than the rest of the bottom half of this group, two of those teams are untested, and may hold surprises in store for us. We'll just have to wait and see.

Shearer Heavens Kit Finally Photo-Revealed!

Made By Bettia


Shearer Heavens New Team Strip was today photo revealed.

Shearer Said" i like it its nice but has a big smiling picture of me in which i love and so does the rest of the team.

Shay Given" Love it.

Ben Marjoram" wove it but me want poto of me in big too!

Adam Norton" Kicks Ass!


We Say A Big Thanks To Bettia Who Made This Kit For Us.
Kit-
http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y231/bettia/shearer_heaven.jpg

Billy English was lying in bed in his hotel room in Kainia watching TV. He'd been channel-surfing for literally hours on account of the hotel receiving an incredible 1300+ channels from all over the world. Switching the remote over to his left hand because his right one was worn out, he finally stopped on channel 946. BSTV3 was showing a professional gridiron match, Washington v Sonoma City. With 24 seconds left on the clock, Sonoma City held a 35-21 lead. He really couldn't care less about the game, being a Columbia fan himself, but decided this was better than nothing. He continued to watch through all six timeouts and various commercial breaks before the game finally ended half an hour later. As Sonoma City performed their victory celebrations (they maintained that score), they were suddenly interrupted by a deep-voiced announcer. "This is a BSTV special report."

"BSTV does special reports?" English thought to himself.

"Live from the Audioslavia Football Association in Machinegrad*, the expected announcement of the Audioslavia national team's new manager."

"Why do we give a shit who's managing Audioslavia?" said English. "Not even the best manager in the world could win the World Cup for them."

AFA vice-president Colin Dwyer spoke. First he announced the Association's backing of Shearer Heaven for their actions against Total n Utter Insanity. "I never thought of it that way, but he's got a point..." English conceded. Then Dwyer spoke again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, a new manager has been chosen... We're very excited and believe that he is the man who can change Audioslavia's fortunes. Please welcome the new manager of Audioslavia..... Helmut Vilkaous."

Just as the Audioslavian press sat there silently, so did Billy English, now bolt upright. The one journalist who did speak seemed to be echoing English's thoughts. "A Vilitan? Oh shit, this is bad. This is very bad."

He reached for the phone and dialed 622, Mike Davidson's room number. "Um, Coach...yeah, I just found out who Audioslavia's new manager is. I think we need a team meeting immediately."


* To be perfectly honest, I have no idea where the AFA is located, but judging from previous installments in this series I'm guessing it's in the city closest to the Lemmitanian border. If I'm wrong, blame it on bad Bedistani geography teachers.

Pat Romano yawned as he walked into Conference Room 31 on the third floor. What's Davidson playin' at, holding a team meeting at ten-thirty at night? he thought to himself. Looking around, he saw that all of the other twenty-eight players were already present. "Sorry I'm late," he said halfheartedly.

About two-thirds of those present were already dressed for bed, and a few looked like they had already been asleep when the meeting was called. Sara Westinghouse rubbed her eyes in an effort to keep herself awake.

"I thank you all for coming on such short notice," Davidson opened. "I called this meeting at the request of Billy English, who said it would be necessary after finding out what I assume is a very important piece of information."

"You don't even know why you've called the meeting?" asked an agitated Quentin Phillips. He sighed. "All right, Billy, tell us what this is about so we can go to friggin' bed."

"Gee, such a hostile environment," English remarked as he stepped to the front of the room. "Anyway, as our manager has correctly guessed, I have indeed found out a very important piece of information. I know who the new Audioslavia national team manager is."

The silence was deafening.

"You dragged me out of bed to tell us who the stupid Audioslavia manager is?" Lauren Gunn would've sounded very angry if she hadn't been so exhausted. As a sign of protest, Sam Wilkinson immediately stood up and walked out the door.

"You know, I really wish you people would actually listen to what I had to say before getting all bitchy. Anyway, I saw the press conference where they announced the new manager. It's that Vilitan dude, Helmut Vilkaous."

Most of the people in the room simply give him a blank stare, but Tara Stalls' mind seemed to be working. "Say, he was coaching Vilita when they won World Cup 20, right?"

"Yes—"

"And he was their coach in 21 when we beat them in that crazy quarterfinal match."

"Tara, how the crap do you know this stuff?" asked Michael Porter. "You were what, eight years old during World Cup 20?"

"I figure it helps to know a little football history when you're representing your nation in it," she retorted.

"Yes, Vilkaous was there both times," said English, trying to steer the conversation back to its origina point. "And that's why this is important. We know three things. One: Vilkaous is coaching Audioslavia, whom we play against twice in these qualifiers. Two: Vilkaous has led a team to a World Cup before, so we know he's got the capability. And three: he's the only manager in World Cup history to have his team score seven goals in a match and still lose. To us. This man will want revenge. That means we're gonna have to work harder than ever if we want to beat them. That is why I wanted this meeting, so we can go ahead and start being mentally prepared to face the threat." He paused. "All right, I'm done."

Davidson dismissed everyone back to their rooms. As he left the room, team captain Alejandro Vantrease shook his head. "The kid may be an ass sometimes, but he's got a good head on his shoulders at least..."

Time: 12:10PM
location: Soberity City, DFA headquarters

S.Sam is on the phone to Doomhammer to inform him about the result of the world cup draw.

DH: …and your sure of this?

SS: I’m 110% certain. Wear ranked second in the group again.

DH: and the lions only need to finish second out of 8 teams in the group to guarantee getting to the Finals?

SS: that right.

DH: and the team most likely to finish 3rd and therefore are main problem is a team which is ranked twice the rank we are and two teams have never participated in a WC event before.

SS: that is correct. Two GWB’s

DH: is it just me or does this seam like one of the occasions when bad luck and Murphy’s law is poised to strike.

SS: don’t worry. The odds are that we will finish in the top 2. In which case the team will be in the finals.

DH: I don’t care. Murphy’s law has crossed us one too many times. The numerous encounters with the hosts, getting knocked out on penalties in WC23 and one of our players in a comer and one going to business school. That sort of thing.

SS: well every team has some bad luck. But the thing is you have to learn to live with it.

DH: that is an option. But instead how about we find a way to destroy Murphy’s law once and for all.

SS: but that could involve braking several laws of physics and take years of…

DH: does it sound like I care? I want you to get 2000 butted toast, an expensive rug and a dining room table. Get someone on to this and I don’t care how long it takes. WE WILL DEFEAT MURPHY’S LAW!!!

SS: wouldn’t it be better to focus on the football instead?

DH: You really don’t know me very well do you? Get the toaster ready.

SS: but this is just a gigantic…

DH: DO IT NOW!!!!

SS: … ok. I’ll get someone on it.

DH: see that you do.

S.Sam puts down the phone and gets into his hire car. His laptop is on the seat were he left it.

SS: Kirby. I need you to help me with a problem.

K: can it wait a few minutes, just till this song downloads.

SS: you are aware that what your doing is illegal right?

K: no it isn’t. I don’t want it to be illegal therefore it isn’t. That’s how it works.

SS: I’m not sure if that…

K: THAT’S. HOW. IT WORK!

SS: …how is it possible for you to shout? You’re inside a computer?

K: I could explain but it mot important right now. What do you want me to do?

SS: Doomhammer has set me the task of braking Murphy’s law, and I need your help to do it.

K: Didn’t I solve this problem 4 years ago?

SS: no. You did not!

K: oh yes. That was why you bleached my circuits and glued the keys together.

SS: I still don’t know how you survived that. Anyway, it appears we need to find several thousand slices of bread and a few tons of butte. We also need a few mils of carpet and an enclosed area big enough to contain it all. So run a search and find out were we can get such items.

K: Ok. Give me a few days and it should all be done. In the meantime try and keep Doomhammer’s attention on the football and away from me.

SS: that can be done. For the moment let’s just get to the airport and try and board our plain. And this time when going through customs don’t make the scanners detect a kilo of cocaine up my ass

K: I promise nothing.

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

ELRICH FALL BEHIND IN STADIUM REDEVELOPMENT
Elrich to play at the KFC against Oglethorpia

The Elrichian FA suffered a major set-back today as it was announced that it was "impossible" that the redeveloped Elrich Arena would be ready in time for the visit of Oglethorpia in the World Cup 24 qualifiers.

The new will come as a massive blow to the Elrichian FA and Government, who had already sold out the 80,000 tickets for the Badger's first game at their new home. The game would be the first international on Elrichian soil, after Mike Bassett's side began their international career with a friendly at Jon Parkin and then an adventure in the Baptism of Fire at Vilita.

The redeveloped Elrich Arena was set to hold 80,000 seats, all covered with a retractable pitch and sliding roof for the perfect playing and viewing conditions. It comes as a major dissapointment as the building contractors at the arena, Bill Derr's Builders, had insisted all the way through the 2 years of redevelopment that the stadium would be ready for the scheduled date a week ago. Even then, when a scheduled opening ceremony and friendly (possibly against Baptism of Fire winners Hurfordia) had to be cancelled, the builders still insisted it would be ready for the qualifier against Oglethorpia. It seems though, that this is no longer the case.

What is the major worry is the lack of alternative venues, with no national football league to date there are very few stadiums in Elrich, and none purely designed for football. The alternatives are bleak, with the only viable option being to play at the KFC Stadium. The KFC's capacity is only 14,500 with the vast majority comprimising of uncovered terracing. Although the catering at the KFC is particularly well thought of, the pitch itself is very small due to it originally being a hockey pitch and the facilites at the ground are very basic. In a statement today FA Chief Executive Bill Murray had this to say about events,

"It is very disappointing to say the least. We are less than pleased with events but there is nothing we or the builders can do. The weather over the past few weeks has been atrocious, and the freak lightning storms have prevented the finishing of the roofing and electrics. I can say now that we will not be playing our opening home World Cup Qualifier against Oglethorpia at the Arena"

"We are left in an awful dilemma. The KFC Stadium is our only option, and the game will be played there. We are afraid that we will have to refund the vast majority of the 80,000 tickets for the Oglethorpia Game, but the fans with these tickets will get first priority for the opening Elrich Arena game, whenever that is, and will receive half-price vouchers for our new home kit. The 13,000 home tickets available for the game at the KFC will be given out at random to the fans who were scheduled to see the game at the Arena."

JOURNALISTS ON STRIKE

The announcement about the Stadium was not the only problem the Government and the FA had to face today, when news emerged that 99.99% of Elrichian Journalists had gone on strike for the duration of the World Cup. The strike is in protest against the banning of "saucy" or "disturbing" pictures on the front cover of Newspapers. The law was introduced to protect young children from images they should not have to see. The reporters and journalists however, see this as a violation of civil rights, and our on strike for the World Cup. The Elrichian Times will be bringing in writers from different sectors including authors, poets and song-writers to assist with the work-load of match-reports.

Clemmy: It seems we have be reincarnated as Insanician women.

Giltina: I don't remember doing anything that bad.

Clemmy: Well there was the fish incident.

Giltina: It was dead long before I put it in my pants.

Clemmy: ...

Giltina: What are you looking at me like that for?

Clemmy: Maybe it's better if I do all the talking. Hmmmm, how are we going to fill up 6 pages of A4 now that we are Insanician, they barely say more than 2 words.

Giltina: Maybe we could have a phone in.

Clemmy: That's actually not a bad idea.

Giltina: And we could have prizes and a yacht.

Clemmy: A yacht?

Giltina: Gotta have a yacht.

Clemmy: This is the part where your good idea falls apart isn't it.

Giltina: What you got against yachts? Some of my best friends are yachts.

Clemmy: ...

Giltina: What?

Clemmy: Sal has informed me we have our first caller.

Grantoni: Hello?

Clemmy: Hello number 1, what's your name and where do you come from?

Grantoni: I'm Grantoni and I'm from Liverpool England.

Clemmy: Surprise, surprise.

Grantoni: Are you feeling okay?

Clemmy: Do I need to buy a new hat?

Giltina: It sounds like Clemmy has got Cillitious.

Grantoni: That sounds made up.

Giltina: It's a true medical condition.

Clemmy: And here’s our Graham with a quick reminder.

Grantoni: So how do you treat it?

Giltina: Only one way.

*SMACK*

Clemmy: OW!

Giltina: Fixed.

Clemmy: What the hell did you hit me for?

Giltina: You were suffering.

Clemmy: Only because you hit me.

Giltina: No, you were suffering from Cillitious.

Clemmy: Oh god, not the made up medical conditions again.

Giltina: Cillitious is as real as knee-joint breakdown.

Clemmy: That's something I can agree on.

Grantoni: Err, do I ask my question now?

Clemmy: Go ahead caller.

Grantoni: Right, I was wondering what the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow was.

Clemmy: Are you serious? I cannot believe you are being serious!

Giltina: Just give him the truth!

Clemmy: The truth? He can't HANDLE the truth!

Clemmy and Giltina will return after these long messages.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt

AUDIOSLAVIA NEWS THING

Audioslavia has a news bulletin

The News Bulletin Has Large Headlines

Nope, Audioslavia Dagens Nether Either

This has been a long message.

We now return you to your original programming: 'Insanicians Rehashing History In Amusing Ways' is on channel one, channel two is showing something about Bedistani footballers being confused, there is a film about the AFA dude William Branstone on channel three, whilst the Audioslavia News Channel is reporting on the escalating tensions between TnUI and Shearer Heaven.

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches

ARCHREGIMANCY SQUAD TRAVELS TO EAUZ

Team prepares for a different type of Baptism in first match

August 16th
Afterfeast of the Dormition of the Mother of God
Translation of the Image "Not-Made-By-Hands" of our Lord Jesus Christ from Edessa to Constantinople, the Third "Feast of the Savior in August"
Martyr Diomedes the Physician of Tarsus, in Cilicia
Venerable Cherimon (Chaeremon) of Egypt
St. Anthony of Martkofeli
St. Christopher of Guria, Georgia
Martyr Isaac of Karnu, Georgia
Martyr Joseph of Karnu, Georgia
St. Joachim of Osogovo
Hieromartyr Nicodemus of Meteora
New Martyr Stamatius of Volos
Venerable Gerasimus the New Ascetic of Cephalonia

The Archregimancy's footballing Orthodox monks today stepped through a portal into ordinary physical reality in order to prepare for this week's opening qualifying match against former WC winners the Empire of Eauz.

Following a last-minute compromise at Monastic Football Association HQ, legendary retired midfielder, former captain of Alasdair I Frosticus in World Cups I-IV, and World Cup Hall of Fame member Juan Tzimisces has agreed to join the team as a technical advisor, but Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky will remain in overall charge of the team.

"We felt we need someone with previous World Cup experience to help guide the team" said an anonymous MFA spokesman "even if that experience was some twenty World Cups ago. It's quite alright for Coach Kyrill to keep stating that God in His infinite wisdom will provide, but we're not quite sure that our opponents will be as generous as the Lord".

Meanwhile, there are more reports of tension in the camp following captain Fr. Polycarp the Venerable's discovery that Fr. David the Water-Drinker isn't just a Western-Rite monk, but also follows the revised calendar. Training could only resume once Fr. Polycarp was assured that while Fr. David celebrated Christmas nearly two weeks earlier than the rest of the team, Lent and Pascha [Easter] would fall on the same dates for the entire squad.

MFA officials are unsure of what welcome to expect in Eauz, but assured supporters that the team would put in their best possible effort against any foreign heathens, heretics, atheists, freemasons and blasphemers that they might encounter on the field of play.

Conures Announce New Kit Providers

The Hurfordian Football Association today announced a new deal with Conurewear, the Commonwealth's biggest sports manufacturing company. Conurewear will provide the team's new kit for the World Cup Qualifiers.

FA Spokesman Matthew O'Connell told the press-conference that he hoped the deal would provide a new kick for the game commercially, and indicated that the money from the deal would be used to continue the development of the team.

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b230/Hurfy/hurfordianational.jpg

A Bomb?! In Vly Te?!

Early this morning, outside the national stadium (Neczional Stedia) in Vly Te, the nation’s capital, a bomb scare occurred. It is believed that it was caused by Ruhna, a pressure group who wish to throw over the Fiefdom.

Naleloospalakintula’s first game at home is against Fmjphoenix in the World Cup Qualifiers. All though this bomb scares shouldn’t interfere with the Fmjphoenix game, the police say it is best not to play at the stadium, even though our leader Palaknalel XI says “The show must go on”, the police shoved the advice back up his arse.

The game has been moved across the country to the most eastern town, Marsa. Valli the Basin Stedia will now hold the Fmjphoenix game, all though only holding a maximum of 8,500. 1,000 tickets have been allocated for the away fans.

Authorities have reported that it should be all good for the Starblaydia home match at the Neczional Stedia. Unless of course a game of A-lak happens.*

Police are investigating, all though Naleloospalakintula’s main religion, Palakolan, do not believe in CCTV evidence, it will be quite hard to catch these criminals.

* = A-lak is game in which terrorists are blind-folded and run around the city for 30 minutes and automatically blow-up at 30:00:01, all damages are judged. This game was banned in 1952.

Thanks AudioSlavia

AudioSlavia is the only nation to back shearer Heaven

All shearer heaven can say is thanks for the support!

Jeremy Jaffacake shifted round in front of another journalist, who quickly vacated his seat for the 'Jaffacakester'. Jeremy sat down.
"Mr. Vilkaous" he started, "Whats the big picture? Ignore all the narrow-minded wankers in this room, i want to know the real reason why you're taking charge of the Audioslavia national team". Vilkaous sat back in his seat and took a deep breath.
"Joking aside Mr. Jaffacake"
"Please, call me 'sir', Helmut" interrupted Sir Jeremy.
"Ok, 'sir'". Vilkaous looked slightly put out. "The real reason why i want to manage Audioslavia is... well... when Vilita put me out on my arse last month, i decided that i still wasn't finished in football. There's still, how do i put it, 'unfinished business'. Take them fucking Bedistanis for example..."
For the first time, a few of the journalists smiled.
"They still need a good buttfucking for beating a team of mine 8-7."
A few journalists gave nods of approval
"And plus, they're fucking Bedistani, so fuck them. Fuck them up their stupid arses"
Members of the press cheered
"SHUT the fuck up, i haven't finished..."
The respect Vilkaous had just garnered just dissipaited. Whenever foreigners tell Audioslavians to fuck off, the retort is usually in the form of an air-strike. With Vilkaous just yards away, that would probably be a bad idea.
"I also have a problem with Vilita"
"BUT YOU'RE FUCKING VILITAN!" shouted the still-quite-miffed Mr. Fecksaway
"...I also have a problem with Vilita, dumbass interruptions not withstanding. Before i quit, i believe i need to take a team.. this team.. and beat Vilita with them. Audioslavia is the ideal challenge. They have the history and the depth, but right now they're not one of the top teams. I swear, by the end of my tenure, we will have thumped Bedistan home and away, and we will have a big win over Vilita". Vilkaous sat back in his seat. Colin Dwyer leaned forward and asked for there to be no more questions, and the two promptly left.
The assorted members of the press slowly began to rise out of their seats. Fecksaway attempted to stop them.
"BUT HE'S FUCKING VILITAN!!! DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS!"
Jeremy Jaffacake walked up to him and put a hand on Fecksaway's shoulder. If Fecksaway believed that he was about to get some reassuring words from an old hand, he was wrong. Jaffacake was pretty good at doing a Vulcan neck grip, and Fecksaway quickly fell unconscious.
"Arsehole" said Jeremy. He walked out of the door, pausing breifly to turn and address his comrades.
"I've been Jeremy Jaffacake... G'nite bitches"
As he left through the door, the press started cheering.

Casari4Sport

New Casaran Kits Released
"They're damn ugly and look like they were done in MS Paint."

The new Casaran kits were revealed today in yet another press confrence by the Casari Soccer Authority. "Today, replica kits are going on sale in stores nationwide, in an effort to offset some of the costs of flying our national team one hundred and three different places."

Appeal among the fans is contrasting. "They look really plain. And lame." One fan said about them. "We look like total tools."

Others were more optimistic. "They look much better than those stupid white shirts and blue pants we wore until now."

However, nothing has stopped the kits from being sold out all over the country.

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b20/Casari/Kits.jpg

ooc: apologies for only now getting around to posting. Not that I expect anyone cares.

ic:

In smoky room, some apes sat discussing matter of most critical national import. Table was strewn with papers, papers strewn with maths. Apes’ heads hurt. For Ms. Throckspartle this was par for course; head ouchie merely normal background noise of her universe. For others, it was distracting and disturbing turn of events. But headaches happen when apes sit all day around table in smoky room debating statistical merits of footie players.

“What ‘bout Tribuana?” asked Ms. Diddlebump for ninety-umpteenth time.

“He no good!” Ms. Throckspartle insisted, for ninety-umpeenth time as well.

“But he top scorer in premiere league this year!”

“What make you think he so great?”

“I just said, he top scorer in league!”

“So what?”

“So he really good!”

“Must be you sleeping with him.”

Diddlebump was righteously outraged. Baring teeth she screamed, “How dare you! How dare you!”

Fortunately, statisticianisticator underlings restrained her from attacking Throckspartle.

“Just because you head of RBA Consolidated Footie Association doesn’t mean you know anything about footie,” mused beloved but rascally coach. “If you did, you’d know males no damn good.”

With visible effort Diddlebump regained composure. “I know your brain was damaged in Rejistanian time-slip, but please make use of what think-power you have left,” she advised.

“I am, I am. I been thinking all month ‘bout who to put on team.”

“I mean, think before you speak.”

Throckspartle thought about it.

“Can you give me good reason to leave Tribuana off?” Diddlebump asked.

“Sure.”

”Go ahead.”

“He male.”

“I said good reason!”

“That is good reason!”

“Ladies, ladies,” Blimptoople broke in. Last thing she wanted to see was bigwigs hitting each other with bananas. “This arguing not getting us anywhere.”

“We at an impasse,” Throckspartle declared.

“Impasse?” Diddlebump repeated.

“Impasse,” Throckspartle insisted.

“It not impasse, you just stubborn.”

“I guess we could field ten-player squad,” Throckspartle mused.

“That crazy!”

“We not going to field ten-player squad,” Blimptoople said. Though she not a bigwig herself, Banana Motors coach figured she had some clout, being Throckspartle’s hand-picked choice for assistant coach, not to mention two-time coach of year in RBA premiere league. “Ms. Throckspartle, we need to consider good of team.”

“That exactly what I doing! What better way to ensure good of team than to keep stupid males off?”

“Sometimes males good players,” Blimptoople pointed out.

“Oh yeah?”

“Tribuana scores lots of goals.”

“So what?”

“So that help team win.”

“No it doesn’t!”

“Now you just being silly. And also bigoted.”

“I not a bigot!”

“You a sexismist,” Diddlebump said.

Throckspartle was aghast. “Me?! A sexismist!? Never!”

“You acting like one,” Blimptoople pointed out.

Ms. Throckspartle played with lip while she thought about it. “You know what males did last time we had World Cup qualifiers?”

“Yes, yes, we know all about Lions and Tigers incidents,” said Diddlebump.

“You know they went off to Rejistania to try to cause big trans-border incident?”

“I not sure that why they went...”

“But Rejistanian commando police caught them and locked ‘em away in top-security mental-breakdown facility, never to be seen from again.”

“From what I heard,” Blimptoople hazarded, “they went to Rejistania to try and find head-ouchie cure for you. But due to some crazy Rejistanian accident they got on omnibus and were never heard from again.”

“That just urban legend.”

“Which part?”

“All parts. Who ever heard of males going to Rejistania? Not to mention idea of males trying to find cure for head-ouchie just silly.”

“Why that silly?”

“They the ones caused head-ouchie in first place!”

“It been firmly established that time-dilation software employed by Rejistanians to nullify World Cup draw caused head-ouchie.”

“That just urban legend.”

“No it not! And stop saying that.”

“Well, males exacerbated it, anyway.”

“Be that as it may,” Ms. Diddlebump broke in, “it silly reason to leave Tribuana off team. He probably best striker in RBA.”

“Harumph,” said Ms. Throckspartle.

“I not asking you to put Pigpiggie and his gang on team.”

“You can’t, since they missing.”

“I wouldn’t even if they were here.”

“What if they were ‘best’ players in league?”

“Well, maybe then I would.”

“Aha!”

“Aha yourself, Throckspartle!”

“You admit you would want stupid males on team if they were good players!”

“Listen to yourself! Have you lost mind?”

Now was Ms. Throckspartle’s turn to get indignant. But she quickly calmed down. Maybe Diddlebump had point; did seem kind of silly leaving best players off team, when put that way.

“Hmm,” Ms. Throckspartle said, thinking.

“Maybe we can compromise,” Blimptoople suggested. “What if we put Tribuana on team, but on condition that first time he do some stupid maley thing, we send him down. Also, if his performance not in keeping with being among best strikers in league, we send him down. In other words, we only keep him on squad if he produces and doesn’t act male. Sound fair?”

Throckspartle sighed. “Sound fair,” she admitted.

“Sound fair,” Ms. Diddlebump agreed.

“Fine, then. I can fax roster to Druidan Footie World Cup Roster-Posting Association?”

Ms. Throckspartle wrote in Tribuana’s name and handed paper (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=9459767&posted=1#post9459767) to assistant. “Go ahead,” she agreed.

Gikkle: Thanks for those useful thoughts regarding ways to prevent banana rats from getting through the ventilation shafts, caller. And now, joining us in the rather cramped studio is the coach of the national footie side, as well as manager of the Local 1033 team that plays its matches just down the street, our very own Ms. Throckspartle. Welcome to the show, Coach.

Ms. Throckspartle: Thank you.

Gikkle: So the World Cup qualifying draw has been announced, the RBA side has been selected, all that remains is for the matches to begin and the fur start flying, as they say.

Ms. Throckspartle: Indeed.

Gikkle: Care to comment on the team’s chances this time around?

Ms. Throckspartle: Who the hell know? It all random.

Gikkle: Aha. Interesting point of view, coming from the coach. Care to elaborate?

Ms. Throckspartle: Not really.

Gikkle: All right, then. What about taking a look at the upcoming matches and giving a little info on each of the opposing teams.

Ms. Throckspartle: What for?

Gikkle: Apes like that kind of thing. Humans too, I think.

Ms. Throckspartle: Hmph.

Gikkle: It’s kind of traditional.

Ms. Throckspartle: Oh, fine, then. Give me schedule.

Gikkle: Here it is.

Ms. Throckspartle: All right. What group we in?

Gikkle: Group two. Right there.

Ms. Throckspartle: Oh, yeah. Hmm, well, it look like we play Liverpool England.

Gikkle: In the sixth match, I believe.

Ms. Throckspartle: Yeah?

Gikkle: Yes.

Ms. Throckspartle: Okay.

Gikkle: So, how do you like our chances against them?

Ms. Throckspartle: Our chances? Chance of winning, you mean?

Gikkle: Right.

Ms. Throckspartle: Don’t be daft. They really good.

Gikkle: So you don’t fancy a win against Liverpool England?

Ms. Throckspartle: Not really.

Gikkle: How about a draw then?

Ms. Throckspartle: What, you want me to lay odds?

Gikkle: I’m just interested in your opinion. Lots of apes are.

Ms. Throckspartle: I think Liverpool England will win. Maybe we get a draw if they have lots of injuries or something.

Gikkle: Okay. What about the first match, against Fart islands?

Ms. Throckspartle: WHAT? That utterly disgusting. What make you say a horrid thing like that?

Gikkle: That’s the name of the country. See? It’s there on the list.

Ms. Throckspartle: That make me want to vomit. I boycotting that match.

Gikkle: You’re boycotting the first match of the World Cup qualifiers?

Ms. Throckspartle: Yeah, I not showing up for any disgusting countries named after flatulence.

Gikkle: Does that go for the whole team, or just you?

Ms. Throckspartle: Rest of team can think for selves. Except for Tribuana, he male.

Gikkle: So the team will show up for the match, just sans coach.

Ms. Throckspartle: Blimptoople can coach that one. If she dare.

Gikkle: All right, then. You heard it here first, folks.

Ms. Throckspartle: Yeah, all you listeners be warned. If you show up for first match, it gonna be smelly and disgusting. Best to keep your distance.

Gikkle: I don’t know that the people from Fart Islands--

Ms. Throckspartle: Don’t even say that name. It make me nauseous.

Gikkle: I don’t know that their players are actually smelly and disgusting, themselves.

Ms. Throckspartle: Maybe our players can wear respirators or something.

Gikkle: Maybe. For the second match, the Two-Footers will be travelling to Clavis.

Ms. Throckspartle: Never heard of it.

Gikkle: They’re ranked, um, ninety-eighth in the world.

Ms. Throckspartle: What we ranked?

Gikkle: Fifty-seventh, I think.

Ms. Throckspartle: Well, that sound pretty good then. Maybe we win that one.

Gikkle: What about the first match against Fa--

Ms. Throckspartle: Don’t say it!

Gikkle: What about the first match? You think we’ll win that one?

Ms. Throckspartle: If we don’t barf our guts out, maybe.

Gikkle: Okay, after Clavis the RBA hosts Dedostan.

Ms. Throckspartle: Bedistan again?

Gikkle: No, Dedostan.

Ms. Throckspartle: Never heard of it.

Gikkle: So no prediction?

Ms. Throckspartle: What they ranked?

Gikkle: A hundred and fiftieth, or so.

Ms. Throckspartle: Maybe we win, or draw.

Gikkle: So, so far, we’ve got three maybe wins and one definite loss.

Ms. Throckspartle: Not bad.

Gikkle: Then the side travels to Zanziik.

Ms. Throckspartle: Where?

Gikkle: Zanziik.

Ms. Throckspartle: Never heard of it.

Gikkle: This is their first entrance to the World Cup qualifiers.

Ms. Throckspartle: Seems as good a time to beat ‘em as any.

Gikkle: So a win then, you think?

Ms. Throckspartle: Maybe.

Gikkle: Right. After Zanziik, it’s off to Liamist States.

Ms. Throckspartle: Oh, yeah. Them.

Gikkle: You’ve heard of the place, have you?

Ms. Throckspartle: They got lots of newspapers there.

Gikkle: That’s the place, all right.

Ms. Throckspartle: big tabloid things with huge type and not much content. Funny headlines sometimes, though.

Gikkle: Do you think that will influence our chances against them?

Ms. Throckspartle: That depend on the munificence of Bejeezus and whether he take headlines into account when deciding who should win footie matches.

Gikkle: You think Bejeezus is responsible for deciding who wins footie matches?

Ms. Throckspartle: Hell, no. What you think, I crazy?

Gikkle: Not at all. You were being facetious then, I take it.

Ms. Throckspartle: Not entirely.

Gikkle: In a nutshell, how do you like the Two-Footers’ chances against Liamist States?

Ms. Throckspartle: What they ranked?

Gikkle: Um, thirty-third.

Ms. Throckspartle: And we fifty-seventh?

Gikkle: That’s right.

Ms. Throckspartle: It a tossup. Bejeezus probably make as good a prediction on that one as anybody.

Gikkle: Shall we call it a draw, then?

Ms. Throckspartle: Sure, what I care? Guessing how matches going to turn out stupid, anyway.

Gikkle: Guessing how matches are going to turn out supports the economies of many small nations.

Ms. Throckspartle: Hooray for gambling.

Gikkle: The match after that we go to Liverpool England, where you said we’re going to lose, and then to finish off the first round of qualifiers, we’ll be hosting Lovisa.

Ms. Throckspartle: Oh yeah, I like them.

Gikkle: You do? Why’s that?

Ms. Throckspartle: I read in a Burungi newspaper that Lovisa’s named after Lovefest University.

Gikkle: Huh. I don’t know as I’d trust something I read in a Burungi newspaper.

Ms. Throckspartle: I don’t know as I’d trust anything I read in any foreign newspaper. Or domestic ones, for that matter.

Gikkle: So what of the Two-Footers’ chances in that match?

Ms. Throckspartle: What Lovisa ranked?

Gikkle: Fourteenth.

Ms. Throckspartle: They win. We lose. We all done now?

Gikkle: So that’s a prediction of fours wins, one draw, and two losses in the first seven qualifying matches, is that right?

Ms. Throckspartle: You tell me, I wasn’t counting. We done now?

Gikkle: It’s just about time to break for commercials. I’d like to thank Ms. Throckspartle, coach of the national footie side, for joining me on the program today.

Ms. Throckspartle: Great. You welcome. We done now?

Gikkle: Yes.

Cinemas, Pubs ,Hotels , Some Homes And National Landmarks!


Nearly Everything Broadcasting The World Cup In Shearer Heaven!


Today Cinema Managers , Bar Managers,Hotel Managers Some House Dwellers And Landmark Managers Revealed They would be screening the world cup.

Alan Shearer Said These Things"
Well its great cinemas will be broadcasting because they can fit Alot of people in one cinema! (whole building)
Its good for pubs they can get their money up and get some extra buisness
Remember drink Shearer Heaven Ale! (holding and drinking a bottle)
Hotels will get extra buisness home dwellers may earn some money ( have to pay for letting in private space) and National Landmarks will show the game on those many projectors normally used for screening nature films and they may have a stroll around to see the landmark before it starts!

The Daily Druid

WC24 SPONSORS ANNOUNCED
Bill Posters reports

The sponsors for World Cup 24 have finally come round to being announced. Joining Chemindus and JMC will be Death Monkey, a death metal band from New Montreal States, and Fmjphoenix firm Draylorn Food Inc, who will be pushing their Takilan Brownies.

However, Trevor Belmore promises that just because there are takil sponsors this time around, it doesn't mean that Druida specifically supports their ideology. "We Druidans tend to stay neutral in all of these kind of things. But brownies? I couldn't exactly turn them away now, could I?"

Advertisemants for the four sponsors will be run with the latest scores throughout the World Cup campaign.

FALE unveil new kits
The Football Association of Liverpool England has unveiled new team kits for WC24 Qualifying. With the team having played in the same kit design since World Cup 8, the year the team won the World Cup, without major changes, the FALE expressed in a statement it "believes the new kits will bring a frash mood around the team. We're hoping to try to win it again this time round; the last time we changed kits, we won."

The team will wear the old kit until Matchday Four, Fart Islands away. Meanwhile, team manager Doug Freech expressed his optimism about the forthcoming qualifiers to go to Druida and Krytenia. "We're back in the top ten rankings. It feels good to be back here, where we belong. The lads are mighty pleased that we've finally achieved our first main goal when I took over before World Cup 23, that was to reach the top ten again for the first time since World Cup 18, after our impressive WC17 campaign. We've managed to do that in just one tournament, my next aim is to reach the last four again, and if we go one better, that'd be brilliant."

Group and Schedule
Group 2
Liverpool England [8]
Lovisa [14]
Liamist States [33]
Bipedal Apes [57]
Clavis [98]
Dedostan [147]
Zanziik [-]
Fart Islands [-]

EXPECTED QUALIFIERS: Liverpool England, Liamist States, Bipedal Apes

Matchday 1: 1v5: Clavis [rank 98] Grover's Park, Orean
Matchday 2: 6v1: Dedostan [rank 147] AWAY
Matchday 3: 1v7: Zanziik [unranked] Waterway Stadum, Schimpol
Matchday 4: 8v1: Fart Islands [unranked] AWAY
Matchday 5: 1v2: Lovisa [rank 14] National Stadium, CCL
Matchday 6: 1v4: Bipedal Apes [rank 57] Colonial Stadium, CCL
Matchday 7: 1v3: Liamist States [rank 33] Grover's Park, Orean
MDs 8 through 14 are the reverse of 1 through 7.
Other home ties: MD 2: Dedostan: Waterwau Stadium; MD4: Fart Islands: National Stadium

New Kits
Socks and Shorts are the same for both kits
http://www.freewebs.com/4457/lekit.jpg HOME KIT
http://www.freewebs.com/4457/lekitaway.JPG AWAY KIT

August 17, 2005

Trotsgrad also barred from World Cup, 'until situation with Trebnak resolved'
Commander Soros exstatic over news.

The World Cup of football (soccer) has handed down its ruling barring the nation of Trotsgrad from the World Cup due to the recent tensions between the nation of Trebnak and Trotsgrad.

In a report from the governing body of the World Cup it was decided that in light of the recent brutal civil war and risk of open hostilities between both nations that both nations would be banned. The situation with Trebnak had been known for sometime though Trotsgrad had appealed her fate though with the World Cup to begin tomorrow the council finally squashed the appeal to the delight of all in Trebnak.

The Commander of the nation herself, Pauline Soros, had gone to argue against the Trotsgrad appeal and therefore was quite elated at the decision calling it, 'a wise one'.






OOC: Trebnak & Trotsgrad are nations controlled by the individual in charge of PopularFreedom

JMC Official Press Release
JMC is pleased to announce its five new kit contracts for World Cup XXIV.

DRUIDA
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/Druida.jpg http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/DruidaAway.jpg

FMJPHOENIX
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/FMJ.jpg http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/FMJAway.jpg

LIMBROGIDLIA
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/Limbrogidlia.jpg http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/LimbrogidliaAway.jpg

NEW MONTREAL STATES
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/NMS.jpg http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/NMSAway.jpg

SARZONIA
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/Sarzonia.jpg http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/wc16bids/SarzoniaAway.jpg

We're still looking for contracts, so any interested nation get tin touch! [OOC: TG Krytenia]

ILLNESS SWEEPS THROUGH ARCHREGIMANCY SQUAD

August 18
Afterfeast of the Dormition of the Mother of God
The Martyrs Florus and Laurus of Illyria
The Martyrs Hermes, Serapion, and Polyaenus of Rome
The Hieromartyrs Emilian the Bishop, and with him Hilarion, Dionysius, and Hermippus
St. John the Patriarch of Constantinople
St. George the Patriarch of Constantinople
Venerable Macarius the Monk of Pelekete
Repose of the Venerable John the Abbot of Rila
Venerable Sophronius of St Anne Skete, Mt. Athos
Saints Barnabas and Sophronius of Asia Minor
St. Christopher of Gazara
The Four Unknown Ascetics of the Desert

Illness swept through the Archregimancy squad today as they prepared for tomorrow's qualifier in Eauz. A Monastic Football Association official, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated "our lads simply aren't used to ordinary physical reality. Here in the Dreamed Realm, illness and injury are unknown - Eauz is a charnel house of plague in comparison. Nothing against Eauz specifically, you understand, it's just that the squad's had no exposure to this sort of ordinary virus before"

Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, was unable to rise from his sick-bed to comment, but technical advisor Juan Tzimisces - who often travelled beyond the Dreamed Realm during the first four World Cups - has stated that the same thing used to happen to the Alasdair I Frosticus squad back in the early years of the tournament, and that he has every confidence that the team will recover in time for tomorrow's show-down. "And if they lose badly, then we already have a built-in excuse, don't we?"

OOC: this post inspired by the writer's current bad cold. <cough> <sniff> <hack>

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

BFA packs up, moves to Graceville

AMISSVILLE [...er, wait, should it be that or Graceville? Eh, who cares - ed] -- The Bedistan Football Association gave a very sudden and brief announcement today stating that they were officially moving their headquarters from the relatively unknown city of Amissville (effectively a suburb of Graceville) to a new facility in downtown Graceville. No explanation was given for the move, however BFA president Sam Bacon stated that "all our employees knew about the move seven months in advance and have made all necessary arrangements."

Some have questioned the wisdom of performing such a move just as World Cup 24 qualifying is getting underway. Bacon said that the timing of the move was not his decision. Bacon also refused to answer questions about why such a move was necessary or even desirable. He did state that he expected the BFA to reside in Graceville for "at least the next four years" and that "plans after that are unknown at this time."

The Bedistan Football Association has over 16,500 employees.

OOC: I suppose as long as we're having RL events inspiring posts, I might as well do one about me heading off to university tomorrow. w00t!

2005-08-17

Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) not playing first World Cup game, Viltacore worried.

International Report - As the Sharks of PopularFreedom prepared earlier today for their match tomorrow they were without star striker Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) who was still at the Vassfforcian Football League Tournament (VFLT) (http://invisionfree.com/forums/The_Heartland/index.php?showtopic=3409) in The Heartland region. Earlier unconfirmed reports were verified today that the key parts of the Sharks lineup would not be attending the World Cup until they were finished at the tournament. Having made the quarterfinals while their crosstown rivals the Pleasantview Ravens (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Pleasantview_Ravens) were unable to make the playoffs, the North Beach Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) have chosen to make a full push to the final of the tournament while possibly sacrificing their ability to advance in the World Cup for the first few games at least.

Coach Dennis Viltacore has publicly noted his concern with the fortunes of the team at the World Cup now that we know star striker Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) will not be attending until the VFLT is finished for the Sharks.

The first game the Sharks will play is against the nation of Bettia. Ranked 41st in the world Bettia has caused extreme concern for coach Viltacore in that with Bettia using a 5-3-2 system, 'we instantly will have an extremely defensive battle which is something we are not used to'.

PopularFreedom is ranked 178th at last check going into the tournament however starting Midfielder Glen Owens noted that, 'we were ranked pretty low and we won the Helmet Rahn Cup including a win over Liverpool England so I know we can do well this tournament too'.

Under 21 soccer whiz Johan Jodoski though not starting in tomorrow's game is expected to be substitued on early in the game once the Sharks get a feel of the Bettia defensive structure. Asked for his comments about his opponents tomorrow his response was typical Jodoski, 'I'll score, we'll win, you'll see'.

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquierer

Sports Section

Milchama venues announced

Inside:Prediction of schedule by Great Alexandria Coach Yarden Millar

Swooton-The venues for Milchama home games were announced today by the MFA. The 5 venues are in the 5 biggest cities of Milchama. MFA President Calvin Chintermantoman said, "These venues and cities are the best Milchama has to offer. I hope the other nations visiting here agree with our assesment of the 5 best soccer stadiums in all of Milchama."

The Stadiums are
Milchama National Stadium- Alexandria
Used for all international events this stadium is the best in Milchama and is constantly updated every two years for the latest technological improvements. Will host matchday 2 and matchday 8. Capacity 65,284

Sparrow Field- Swooton
Normally a baseball field but can be converted to soccer quite easily. Home of the Swooton Sparrows in the MBL and Fighters United SC in the MFL. Will be used for matchday 5. Capacity 39,998

Nebuchadnezzar Grounds- New Babylon (ooc: somebody correct if spelling of Nebuchadnezzar is wrong)
New Babylon's best ground and is named after one of their best mayors, Nebuchadnezzar. Built only 3 years ago it is used for soccer and american football while across the street the New Babylon Pirates play in Field of Forbes. Will be used for matchday 7. Capacity 55,327

Choldierim Field- Chi
Home of one of the best teams in Milchama Chaialim this stadium is used for all types of events around Chi. This stadium was built in 1925 for american football but has been used for soccer since 1955 and is currently being used more for soccer than for football. Will host matchdays 4 and 10. Capacity 68,249

Port James Stadium- Port James
In the resort city of Port James this nice stadium is right on the beach in the middle of the big touristy area. Home of the Invading Crusaders in the MFL it has hosted more soccer games than any other stadium in Milchama. Will host matchday 13. Capacity 48,912

A footballer in the colours of Ousevale Borough is seen thumping a football, emblazoned with "JMC", into the top corner of a goal. The goalkeeper dives somewhat belatedly, as if the director has told him to make sure it goes in. The footballer turns round, and we see it is Druida's captain, Ricky Mallon.

"Hello, Ricky Mallon here. I've been playing in Krytenia for a few years now, and I've found that the best sportswear around is made by JMC."

We see a shot of Ricky in his Ousevale kit doing some keepy-ups in his JMC boots in front of a group of young children.

"And now, I don't just wear JMC for my club..."

At this point, Mallon appears to disappear into a cloud of smoke, only to reappear in the new Druida home kit.

"...but for my country too!"

At this point, one of the young children is heard to shout, "You look stupid in that top!"

This causes Mallon, twice top card-getter in the Melmond Premier League, to characterictically (appear to) threaten the small child before the filming is cut. I'm sure the people of the World don't want to know what happens next, do they?

Matchday One scores are here! (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=9468395#post9468395)

2 days after my last RP...

Advisor Bergeron: "Monsieur Soqueure, it's now time to go to the press conference."

Mr. Soqueure: "What is a press conference? Is that a new division in Oliverrian Hockey League®?"

Advisor Bergeron: "Are you drunk?"

Mr Soqueure: "Drunk? No way... *falls to the ground*"

Advisor Bergeron: "Let's check what was he drinking... Beer-flavoured Water. Alcohol 0%. Did he went drunk with this? I think I'll have to go myself. *saying it out loud*Everybody to the soccermobile*saying it out loud*.
*Batman music playing in Background*"

5 minutes later, on the 28th Street, in Marshalliston...

Limousine driver: "Where were you going?"

Advisor Bergeron: "I'm going to the Oliverrian Soccer Association's press conference. Dammit! What is happening?"

Limousine Driver: "A congestion. Where was the press conference?"

Advisor Bergeron: "At the Marshalliston Stadium"

Limousine Driver: "We are on 28th Street. The Stadium is on Avenue du Stade. You just walk right ahead a bit, the avenue is on your right, so when you see it, just turn on the right. After, continue right ahead and you'll be done."

Advisor Bergeron: "Thank you."

30 minutes later...

OSL's commissioner: "Where is Mr. Soqueure?"

Advisor Bergeron: "He's drunk so he can't come. I know what he had to announce so I will say it."

OSL's commissionner: "Thank you"

Announcer: "And please, welcome William Bergeron, Advisor of the OSA's president."

Advisor Bergeron: "Thank you. I'm here today to announce that the Marshalliston Stadium will be the venue of every Oliverrian home games. The games will also be broadcasted on Oliverrian Sports Network and Télévision Marshalliston and network affiliates. Any questions?

*The press is quiet*

Thank you everyone. I hope to see Oliverry win!"

Stars stumble, prevail 1-0

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- The 59,224 supporters that crowded brand new Bryan Marshall Stadium were hardly treated to the kind of crisp, authoritative football that has marked the Sarzonian national team's previous two World Cups, both of which have resulted in the team's ascending to the world's top rank. However, reserve forward Kenny Cooper saved the team from what would surely have been an embarrassing result with a goal in the second minute of second half stoppage time to give the Stars a 1-0 victory over Scorthona.

The Stars (1-0-0, three points) came out looking for all the world like a team that was nervous playing in the first match of Coach Dave Wilson's final World Cup campaign and the footballing newcomers from Scorthona nearly took full advantage, getting two point blank shots on goalkeeper Horace Sandt, forcing Sarzonia's most outstanding player to use the catlike reflexes that have served him well for three World Cups to keep his team level.

"Scorthona showed remarkable determination out there," Wilson said. "They didn't back down an inch out there and they really made it hard for our lads. We definitely earned that three points, though I would have thought one point would have been well earned."

The Stars went into the halftime locker room drawn 0-0, but counted themselves fortunate not to have been trailing the match 2-0 after a screaming free kick from midfielder Ross Kirkwood-Carpenter and a spectacular bicycle kick off the boot of forward Dave Houston. Both men jogged out of the 18 yard box muttering to themselves after Sandt saves.

The team showed signs of regrouping somewhat after the second half kickoff, getting sustained pressure around the 50th minute. But the Stars saved their most desperate flurry for the moments after the fourth official signalled three minutes of stoppage time with the Kaze Progressan referee keeping time on the pitch. Wilson substituted a tiring Barry Alphonso with Bruce Badger just five minutes before stoppage time began and sent Cooper on for son Brian in the 91st minute.

Cooper ran right into an attempt by defender and Scorthonan manager Tom Scarthon to maintain possession and steal a point from the Stars, stealing the ball and bending a shot past Ulrik Goodenhard and into the back of the net for a 1-0 Stars lead. Before Scorthona could get the ball centred into the Stars' 18 yard box, the referee blew his whistle to signal the end of the match.

"We just ran out of time," Scarthon said. "Cooper kind of surprised us a little bit out there. They showed why they're the top-ranked team in the world."

"That team is going to be trouble in this group," Sandt said of Scorthona. "They gave us all we could want."

STATES GET SQUASHED AT TADJIKISTAN

Paladins show little promise in 3-1 rout

TADJIKISTAN - The Paladins have a long way to go before returning to their former heights.

That much was driven home last night when Tadjikistan essentially ran the Paladins off the pitch in their 3-1 evisceration of Angiers Area Polytech.

"We played like sh*t, frankly, I'm amazed it isn't 4-1 or 3-0," commented coach Jene-Rene Filon. "At least tomorrow I'll get some new players, maybe do better. I mean, we get much worse than this, we should just leave."

The game started on a flat note as 17 minutes in Kirov put it in net on a corner kick by Salenko. 8 minutes later Salenko scored on a header off a pass by Kornilov.

The Paladins settled down a bit after that, and started off the second half strong with a goal 4 minutes in by Jean Rousseau. But the drive that sparked the goal was a fluke, and the Paladins found themselves on the defensive for most of the half. Gorodnianskij, off the bench for the final 10 minutes, put in a shot through cover for the final score.

Coach Filion was hard pressed to name a bright spot. "Our shoes were tied? Our bums were wiped? We lined up neatly for the national anthems? Give me a clue as to where these 'bright spots' are."

When asked for comments about the new togs the players got from JMC in Krytenia, Filion replied: "The togs (http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/si...ids/NMSAway.jpg) are great. As the for the people wearing them, not so much."

Tonight international football returns to the Paladin Dome, and we expect the crowd to be 150,000 strong to witness the drubbing we're gonna get from TnUI.

OOC: Thanks Krytenia for the togs, they look great :)

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Smelly Islanders visit Bananaton as World Cup qualifying begins

by Ingbaba

Bananaton-- With national footie coach Ms. Throckspartle safely at the other end of the country in Bananapolis, the Two-Footers began the long quest for a spot in the upcoming twenty-fourth World Cup by hosting the smelly humans of Flatulence Islands under assistant coach Blimptoople. The Banana Motors manager had her work cut out for her, as a number of players balked at taking the pitch against the squad of greenish, reeking humans. Most notably, Hooboy and Trinandurnan, whose association with Throckspartle is particularly close as they play for her Local 1033 side in the premiere league, refused even to leave the dressing room until the erstwhile coach sent statisticianisticator Blugg down to the local Home Banana Depot for some class-D respirators rated against sawdust, paint fumes, and gaseous human extrusions.

Thus attired the players attended to their warmups, and all seemed well. It should be noted that of the supporters in attendance, some twelve thousand who were directly downwind of the visiting squad appeared to be in moderate discomfort and many had left by the end of the first half. Blimptoople was determined to see things through with dignity, refusing to bring the opponents’ odiferousness to the attention of the official (a Druidan by the name of Nikos Glemwilling who likely sampled a few too many of Federated Fermentation’s wares before the match) or to wear a ventilator herself.

Things went reasonably well once the match began, with strikers Barsoom, Gazeboo, and Tribuana maintaining good control of the ball from the outset. The first, and ultimately only, goal of the match, came on seventeen minutes as Trinandurnan and Barsoom, matched against a pair of disgusting nameless human defenders on the left side, executed a slick double-fake, drawing the smelly keeper left while Trinandurnan passed right, across the goal to Tribuana, who headed it cleanly in.

As the half progressed and the respirator filters became clogged with flatulent extracts, many of the apes began finding it hard to breathe, and by the break they had slowed considerably. Blimptoople, too, was looking somewhat wilted by that time, and it was with evident relish that the squad tore ass off the pitch when the half-time whistle blew. A nice rest featuring plenty of fresh changing-room air, and another quick trip to Home Banana Depot for fresh filters, saw the squad return for the second half in fine form.

However, the good cheer didn’t last. The respirators themselves seemed to have been overworked by the thick chemical haze present throughout the match, and began overheating around the fifty-fifth minute. Hooboy’s was the first to burst into flame; and as she tore it from her face and flung it, shrieking, a passing flatulent human nearly became engulfed in the inferno. Team physician Gluppert attended to the stricken defender, pronouncing her fit to play with only minor burns (luckily Hooboy’s reflexes are quick as cats) but when Flohmoon’s respirator exploded a few minutes later, the unfortunate midfielder had to be hospitalized. Although her injuries are not life-threatening, she is questionable for the next World Cup qualifying match.

After two accidents Gluppert demanded that the players remove their breathing-masks, and so all were forced to breathe the rancid, reeking, foetid air that drifted slimily about the arena. It did not do them well. Blimptoople wisely called for a heavily defensive strategy, pulling all three strikers in favor of a 1-6-4-0 formation that may not be legal in trans-border play (and certainly isn’t in the RBA premiere league), though official Glemwilling didn’t seem to notice. It is likely that the players could have run about the pitch carrying the ball in their hands without drawing penalties at that point, between Glemwilling’s fermentation-based stupor and the stultifying odor of the place.

So the Two-Footers rallied ‘round the goal and let the flatulent ones kick the ball at them, employing the “Illegal Turtle Defense,” as it is known, to prevent their lead being eliminated. Though several apes had vomited upon the pitch by the final whistle, no victory-challenging goals were netted.

Final score:
Republic of Bipedal Apes 1 (Tribuana, 17)
Flatulent Human Islands 0

2-2 Draw Lifts Heads In Shearer Heaven

Lethislavania Ranked 28th Only Pull Off A Draw!


Many Heads Lifted In Shearer Heaven When The Magpies Pulled Off A Draw. when they went up against 28th ranked Lethislavania.

The Start Of The Game Was Dull Until in the 25th minuite A Lethislavanian Defender Made A Run and Shoved Over Phil Laggot To Make A Lovely Cross to the winger (The One ThatThe Lethislavanian Defender took the position of !)And the winger hit a lovely volley which hit the crossbar with the help of Marjoram Tipping it Upwards and nearly over but the Winger tapped it in on The Rebound.

In the 30th minuite Corrigan Was replaced by a new face in the squad not announced in the roster! he is very skilled is vice captain and is the best crosser and passer in the world and can use flashy tricks and put shots away well, Ian Marjoram.In the 45th Minuite He Did A High cross which flew over the defenders head put landed Straight on Shearers Head. Shearers Head bobbed forward and hit the ball past the Lethislavanian Keeper.

In The 63rd minuite Ian Marjoram Swung a corner in ( The Magpies had swung the pressure on since half time) And Shearer Nearly Scored A Header but the Lethislavanian Keeper Punched It Out And Knocked Shearer Down. Shearer Protested For A Penalty But the ref waved claims away (Replays later shown the goalie had touched Shearer but only a little bit of Contact But not enough for a penalty)
And the lethislavanian forwards took the defence by storm ( only one defender Back) and peformed a one two on the defender and did the same onto the Onrushing Marjoram , and cheekily ran the ball into the net!

In the 74th minuite the Lethislavanian Winger pulled a lovely cross back and a beautiful Header from the Lethislavanian forward nearly pulled them up by two. The top-Corner bound header was tipped away with a beauty of a save by Marjoram And cleared

In The 80th minuite Alan Shearer Pulled a shot away from just outside the box and the Lethislavanian Keeper Used brilliant reflexes to save it and pull it away for a corner.

Lethislavania Soon found out in the 81st Minuite it was all in vain Ian Marjoram Who took the corner Found the Magpies Keeper J.Marjoram( Out of goal!) With A diving header, the header hit the bar and Norton Whacked the ball into the top corner with a volley which the Lethislavanian Keeper ( on the floor from the diving header) had no chance of saving.

After the game shearer said he couldnt of hoped for a better start against Lethislavania.

WARRIORS SALVAGE DISAPPOINTING DRAW IN OPENER

The Praying2God Warriors while by far outplaying their Nobbsinian opposition could only manage a 1-1 draw in their match before a packed House of Prayer. The Warriors had to rally as Nobbsinia scored first in the 58th minute after a completely bogus handball call against Warriors defender Jenna Sullivan. The Warriors kept hooking shots off the posts, much to the dismay of Head Coach Paul Johnson. The Warriors hit the posts eight times during the course of the match, as they were clearly rusty in their first competition since the time freeze ended. Finally, in the 79th minute, Thomas Larson got open in front of the net and redirected a crossing pass by Alissa Madison into the net to even the match. The assist was Alissa's first point in international play. The Warriors had several chances in the last ten minutes of the match to pick up the two points that they desperately needed to earn, but were unable to capitalize on their chances. All Warriors Head Coach Paul Johnson would say to reporters after the match is "We have to play a lot better than we did today to have a chance to qualify."

OOC: NMS: Let's hope the Paladin Stadium is not like the Olympic Stadium :p

IC:

John Watson: "Hi everyone. Welcome on OSN for the first game of Oliverry in the World Cup of Soccer 24. Tonight's matchup opposes Oliverry to Groba, in Marshalliston, Capitale, in Oliverry."

Benedict Denis: "And I'm Benedict Denis for the analyze of this game... Oh, and the game starts while Groba kicksoff."

JW: "Groba is a new nation in the World Cup, like Limbrogidlia. We'll comeback later on the Cockbill Street-Limbrogidlia match that went up earlier, in Cockbill Street."

11 minutes later...

BD: "And, mr. Soqueure said while being drunk: Mr. Denis, me hate you and you hate me. water hates me as beer also does..."

JW: "Oh check that Francis Delorient move between the 2 last grobas defenders. He's just in front of the goalie. He shoots and he scores! Oliverry leads 1-0. The crowd is delirious."

BD: "What a good goal in there. The defenders move here could give them a warning from the referee but Delorient was playing as a midfield before so he knew what to do. He continued with the ball so fast that nobody could arrest him. The keeper tried to steal the ball but wasn't able and Delorient only had to kick the ball in the net"

At the 36th minute...

JW: "Bellemort is a good keeper. Can stop shots easily and is very nimble. Oh! 3 attacks in front of him. He shoots but Bellemort saves. The other one receives the ball, passes the the guy at the right, he shoots as he receives and scores. Groba ties the game 1-1."

BD: "This was pretty nice. The players knew that with a fast shot, no keeper can keep the ball. So, when the right guy received the ball, the passed fastly the ball to the attack at the left and he scored. That's what we call in hockey a one-timer. Before this one, I never saw one myself in soccer."

At the half-time break...

JW: "The 45th minute just rang and the game is stop. 1-1 after 45 minutes. Now time for the summary, presented by Olipepsi®. Olipepsi®, hard to believe, hard to not drink."

BD: "The 2 scorers were, for Oliverry, Francis Delorient, that scores his first goal in his life, and for Groba, Attack Numberthree."

JW: "Thanks Benedict. As we promised you earlier, we will now see what happened earlier in the Limborgidlia's game against Cockbill Street,..."

OOC note: See the Limbrogidlia RP for the details of the game

At the 64th minute of the game...

JW: "Dany Leroux receives the ball from Laroche. He shoots, and he scores!! 2-1, Oliverry leads the game!"

BD: "Check where the defends were placed. They were not placed at the right place. So, that left a blank space in front of Leroux and he had time to shoot and score."

At the 78th minute...

BD: "Do you remember Bellemort when someone said that he had a name that looked strangely like the name of the Belmorian Alan Belmore? He nearly killed the guy, hehe."

JW: "Hehe. Oh, now it's Larochelle alone in the zone. He shoots in the top-left corner but the keeper makes the stop but Larochelle takes the ball back and shoots in the other corner and scores!! Oliverry leads now 3-1!!"

BD: "Check this shot. Nobody was there to stop Larochelle to shot. The keeper did a bad mistake when he stopped the easy to catch shot without catching it. Larochelle then took back the ball and, like the keeper was laying on the ground, he scored easily."

At the end of the game...

JW: "3-2-1, end of the game. Oliverry, wins the game 3-1 in front of 100,000 spectators. Nobody left until the last minute. 25% of the crowd is female, and they seem to like Jean-Alan Bellemort. Check this banner: Jean-Alan, on t'adore. Viens nous voir, on a une surprise pour toi, which means Jean-Alan, we love you. Come and see us, we have a surprise for you. They are very laughable to. Ok, now, let's be more serious, let's check the summary of the second half..."

DB: "Hehe! 2 goals again. Both from Oliverry: Leroux at the 64th and Larochelle at the 78th."

JW: "Thanks to every supporters, every soccer fans all around Oliverry, to our producers and to the Oliverrian Soccer Association for the presentation of this show. It was John Watson and Benedict Danis, and, in the name of both of us, I wish you a very good night. See you tomorrow as Oliverry, ranked 62nd, goes to Tonissia for their next game against Tonissia. Good bye everyone!"

Thursday 18th August 2005

Dear diary...

1-1? Against PopularFreedom? It pains me to say it, but yes. We only managed a draw against a team with no attack. Not only that, but they scored! And they did it inside ten minutes too!

They must've been well up for it. That Jodoski kid said he'd score... too bad he was only on the subs bench. It was a bit of a scrappy goal though. They had an eighth minute corner which one of their seven (SEVEN!) midfielders took... Walters I think it was... anyway, he punted it rather hopefully into our area, we farted around trying to play it out of trouble, but their number 37 (Owens I think it was... yes, Owens) managed to nick it from Musa and he poked it in through our oh-so-unorganised defence.

Talk about a proverbial kick up the arse. That shocker stung us right into action. I mean, what's the best way to combat a team that crowds the midfield? Thats right, you hoof the ball over it! Good job Jonno and Brooksy were on top form, some of the high balls they played to me and Judders were top class.

Once we got past the midifield, we only had three defenders to contend with... piece of piss when you're one of the hottest strikers in the world (well, I like to think so anyway) partnering one of the fastest strikers in the world (well, Judders like to think so anyway).

So what about our defence? Well, they didn't have much to do after the goal. Geraint was putting in some good runs on the wings, and Amir's throws caused some problems. But try as we might, we just couldn't get past their keeper - he had one hell of a game. It was only because of him that we didn't score before half time.

The boss did some major tactical changes during the break. He figured our midfield was pretty redundant and our defenders were looking comfortable, so he took Redpath and Swain off and put John Harding and Gethin Ward up front with us. Yep, with Jonno and Brooksy pumping the balls over the top, an ultra-attacking 4-2-4 was the way to go. It's not the first time we tried it - after all, we played all through the Cup of Harmony with that formation, and we got third place. I reckon we ought to play it more often, especially against lower-ranked teams.

Anyway, the new formation was working a treat. We outnumbered their defenders and forced them to pull some of their midfielders back. This opened up the centre a bit, allowing Geraint and Amir to make more runs along the wings. We had plenty of shots which were either saved or hopelessly wide.

It wasn't till the 71st minutes that we got the goal back, and boy did we need it. Nothing seemed to be going right for us. I remember thinking "Great, this is going to be one of THOSE games, isn't it?" But then Amir launched the ball down to Judson on the left wing. He screamed down the flank - I was expecting to find scorch marks on the grass, he was THAT quick. Just when everyone thought he was going to cross the ball in, he cut inside and beat a couple of defenders.

And thats when I made my move. I was lurking between of couple of their blokes, and when the time was right... WHOOSH! I was away, just as Judson slipped the ball forward to me. Well, it was so perfectly timed, I was one-on-one with the keeper, and I don't make mistakes in that sort of situation! 1-1, thank you very much.

Of course, we should've won. We had a few more chances after that but they weren't going in, and so we had to make do with a 1-1 draw. Ah well. We'll have to play much better tomorrow. We're away to Viszonia, and I don't have a clue where that is. I hope it's somewhere warm...

Bettia 1 (Hutton 71)
PopularFreedom 1 (Owens 8)

MD1: Bettia 1-1 PopularFreedom (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD2: Viszonia vs Bettia
MD3: Bettia vs San-Lorenzo (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD4: Kurumada vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Kericia (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD6: Audioslavia vs Bettia
MD7: Bedistan vs Bettia
MD8: PopularFreedom vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Viszonia (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: San-Lorenzo vs Bettia
MD11: Bettia vs Kurumadia (Thamitra Gate, Tamrida)
MD12: Kericia vs Bettia
MD13: Bettia vs Audioslavia (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)
MD14: Bettia vs Bedistan (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

A bar, Cereston, Bedistan

"Did you hear?" shouted the bartender.

"Hear what?" asked a surly man at the bar who was downing his fourth drink of the night. Er, day, rather. It wasn't even three o'clock yet.

"In the World Cup! Audioslavia lost!"

The whole bar suddenly became silent as a tomb. After a moment, one of its less drunk patrons finally spoke. "Audioslavia lost?"

"Yes! To Kurumada!"

"Who or what is Kurumada?" asked another person.

"It's a country somewhere, never heard of it before. Point is, that means Audioslavia are utter shit if they lost to Kurumada!"

"I thought Audioslavia were utter shit anyway," the surly man opined.

"Well, that's true, but this confirms it! Free drinks for everyone!" The bar went into an uproarious cheer, and then everybody joined in for the ever-popular chant "To Hell with 'slavia".

After they finished, someone asked, "Hey, didn't we have a match too?"

"Yeah, we did."

"How'd we do?"

"Three-nil win. The usual."

FALSE START IN FIRST MATCH

Lovisa lose in home in first match with Dedostan 1-0.
One goal was in 73' when one best player Lunz must left in 68' because he was a neck pain. But now everything is ok and he can start in next match.
The coach was very nervious, becase we lase with not good team.

Lovisa 0 - 1 Dedostan

It's an oppresively hot day in Machinegrad. The locals that aren't outside with a cold beer are inside watching the biggest game of the Audioslavian County League calender - Machinegardia versus Soundgardia, the two oldest and biggest counties in the country. Despite the game being tight up to the hour mark, two goals in succession by the Soundgardian side, followed by a stunning strike by Michael Brondby, give the game to Soungardia. The result drops Machinegardia off of the top spot and gives bragging rights to the Soundgardians for the next six months. Its an oppressively hot day in Machinegrad, and people are pissed off. Nobody, however, has yet turned off the television in disgust. None of the fans Machinegardia's Black Lemur Complex stadium have yet left in disgrace. Almost every single pair of Machinegardian eyes, as well as the eyes of the other few billion Audioslavians, are still watching the television. They are awaiting the second Helmut Vilkaous press conference.

In the A.F.A's secondary headquarters in Machinegrad, Helmut Vilkaous takes a pew in front of the waiting press. A short introduction later, he begins to speak.
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen and journalists...". Nobody laughs. "...hmm.. i am here of course, to name the squad that will represent Audioslavia for the World Cup Qualifiers. Without further ado, i begin."
The press shuffle about and get out their notebooks.
"Number one, Gabe Celta"
An obvious choice for the number one jersey, despite the progression of Machinegardian goalie Kyussi Ciakhinisen.
"Number two, Derry Colgan"
Not a surprising choice either, Derry has been fantastic in Vilita this season.
"Three, David Raven"
Now playing for Casuals New Osteria in Krytenia, another decent full back.
"Four, Dietmar Mussorgsky"
Another 'slave abroad, plays his football in Starblaydia now.
"Five and Six, Yevgeny Smashnov and Aron Ceulemans"
Two good centre-halves, well, the defence looks as solid as possible.
"Seven, Taurxa Jeroen"
Another 'slave in Vilita, best player Audioslavia have at the minute. Obvious choice.
"Eight: Kristen Dvorak, Nine: Danny McCostessey, Ten: Jan-Aarn Hellstrom"
All decent players. If the next guy is a winger, then it looks like Vilkaous will be playing 4-3-3. It'll probably be Kelly Torrini
"..and eleven, Kelly Torrini"
Of course. Good player, even if he is half-melmondian.
"Twelve will be Jackie Burns, Thirteen Declan O`Shea, Fourteen Nikki Polsson"
Aha, popular choice Nikki Polsson, been playing well for Ridern, and the number fourteen shirt is a famous one for Audioslavians.
"Fifteen John Robinson, Sixteen Jack Battle, Seventeen Carlo Tarreste"
The journalists scribble the names down rapidly, it seems Vilkaous is announcing the percieved reserves faster.
"Eighteen Jimmie Walker, Nineteen Ennio Neruda, Twenty Michael Brondby"
The Machinegardians in the audience shudder at the mention of the Soundgardian striker who just buried their team.
"Twenty-One, Kyussi Ciakhinisen, and number Twenty-Two David Young"
The press put down their notepads. The team isn't at all surprising. At least he's picked pretty much the best twenty-two Audioslavians.
"And number Twenty-Three will be Kabaofo Alanila. Thankyou."

There is a deathly silence. F.A. spokesman Colin Dwyer leans towards his microphone.
"Any questions?" He asks, but the press just sit there. Thirteen difficult seconds pass before Mr. Fecksaway of The Bull pipes up.
"Who the FUCK is Kabaofo FUCKING Alanila?!?". Vilkaous keeps a straight face and deadpans Fecksaway.
"He is a very good midfielder, knows the way i play, scored two goals already for Turoki Isle this season". Another awkward silence, before the room starts echoing to the sounds of worried murmurs. Another journalist speaks out from his seat at the back.
"Why have i never heard of him?"
"Because you don't watch the Vilitan leagues enough?" Vilkaous replied.
"No..." the journalist looked pretty flustered. "I mean why... why is he playing for the national side when nobody has heard of him?"
"What we REALLY want to know is. IS HE FUCKING AUDIOSLAVIAN? TUROKI ISLE? FUCK OFF VILLIE, STOP FUCKING WITH US". Fecksaway was irate again.
"Of course he is Audioslavian. Ask him yourself". Vilkaous' eyes turned to his right towards a young, tanned, athletic man with medium length curly brown hair. Everbody in the room follows his eye-line. Vilkaous starts to speak again.
"Members of the press, meet Kabaofo Alanila of Audioslavia". The press merely stare at the reddening young figure at the table. He starts to speak himself.
"Er.. hello! Hello all the people of Audioslavia! My name is Kabaofo Alanila, i am happy to be representing my country Vi... Audioslavia! My mother's father's sister was Audioslavian and so i see myself as fully Audioslavian. I hope to bring good things to the team and hope that, with time, you can grow to accept me as your own". The press start muttering things to themselves.
"What the HELL did he just say?!"
"What language was that?"
"HE'S FUCKING VILITAN!"
"He can't even speak Audioslavian?!"
"That was just gibberish with the word 'Audioslavia' randomly inserted"
"HE'S FUCKING VILITAN!"
"Guys.. guys..." Vilkaous sighed. "He's spent all his life in Vilita and Turori, of course he doesn't speak Audioslavian, but he will learn." Vilkaous turned to Alanila to translate what was happening, while the press mutttered amongst themselves again.
"He doesn't speak Audioslavian?!?!"
"HE'S FUCKING VILITAN!"
"Where does he play?"
"What does he doing here?!"
"HE's FUCKING VILITAN!".
"Guys! Stop!". Vilkaous slammed his hand on the desk. "Now, the formation wil b..." He was interrupted by Fecksaway.
"A Vilitan one?". There were chuckles in the audience.
"Yes" deadpanned Vilkaous. That shut the press up. What was to follow would shut them up even more. If thats possible.
"Audioslavia, will be playing 2...."
"2..."
"2..."
"2..."
"..."
"2... Thankyou, drively safely on the way home.

And with that, he left. Unfortunately, missing the free-for-all that ensued.

to be continued

Kodiak Daily Rabbler
Home to some rabbling for National Pride

National Side Gets Win, Opens What Hopes To Be Promising Session

The Chicanadan national side, using the same lineup as their most recent Wiorld Cup breakthrough, began their march back to the Finals with a droll 2-1 victory over South Pakerlands yesterday in Douala.

Ashley's main main, who's been pulling double duty as he tries to lead his Shockers out of relegation in the CFU, rested major players Yeo and Jude Westington as well as Loeri and first-female-member Olani Pjan to allow some of the players who didn't get some play last time a chance and the rookies made their debut shine, scoring in the 17th and 48th minutes to usher in a new era for the city of Douala, as they opened the Grand Douala Palazia Centre. The GDPC will be seeing more action later, as it will see the Kodiaks host Oaker.

The Kodiaks, who come in with a team-best 29th ranking, are considered by all the major sports dailys as a favorite to advance to the finals in Druida and Krytenia, with the Cana Daily Press and ChicanadaSun going so far as to call them the projected winner of the group - even with predicted losses to Cockbill Street. The Ashley Standard, Rabbler, Sky Daily and Canal have the Kodiaks comming in second while the Easten Reporter and National Times have the team comming in third. All the dailys have the Kodiaks accompanying Oaker and Cockbill Street to the finals - which will be the second trip for the National side.

Kodiaks XXIV World Cup Schedule
MD01: The South Packerlands [W 2-1]
MD02: @ Nobbsinia
MD03: Hurfordia [at Easten National Arena]
MD04: @ Limbrogidlia
MD05: Praying2God [at Southampton National Square]
MD06: @ Cockbill Street
MD07: @ Oaker
MD08: @ The South Packerlands
MD09: Nobbsinia [at Stadia Lia, Acadia]
MD10: @ Hurfordia
MD11: Limbrogidlia [at Cananite Pavillion, Paradiso]
MD12: @ Praying2God
MD13: Cockbill Street [at Southampton National Square]
MD14: Oaker [at Grand Douala Palazia Centre]

The Nedalia Lions

Three Points Secured Despite Sluggish Start


Although the Nedalia Lions were able to defeat Palixia in their first match of the World Cup 24 Qualifying Stages, they can thank the individual brilliance of two players and not that of the team for the victory. Although 56% of the possession was Nedalian, they could only transform that number into 4 shots of target, all of which came from those same two players in question, and to no one's suprise, the players were Nene and Tim James, with the latter scoring the only goal of the match.

"Obviously, we got some work to do on the offensive end, something I never thought I'd hear myself say about the Nedalian national squad. Perhaps it was an isolated incident, but we only get few matches to make our case and prove ourselves worthy of the World Cup. There is absolutely no room for mess ups. And there is no room for not being able to turn possession into goals. The one positive thing I can take away from this is the fact we maintained a clean sheet," commented manager Randy Gamman. When asked about the contributions of Nene and Tim James, he simply stated, "They were the team today, no doubt about it. Everyone looked dead, they looked like a bunch of zombies out there. I was beginning to question the pride behind some of our players. Thankfully, the brilliance of those two put us through, but considering we were playing infront of our home fans, we should have played harder."

Regardless, Nedalia now find themselves with 3 points and tied for the top spot one game into the campaign. Although not the start they were hoping for, it was still the result they were expecting. The downfall of it is, it doesnt get any easier from here.

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpgElrich suffer opening day defeat
Beaten but not humiliated

Vilita 2 - 0 Elrich

The Kingdom of Elrich fell to an opening match defeat in their World Cup 24 Qualification campaign with a 2-0 loss at 11th seed Vilita. Vilita are a strong and famous footballing nation, who recently hosted the Baptism of Fire (Elrich's first tournament), so a loss was always what was to be expected. In the end, the Badgers turned out an encouraging performance, it was far from a stroll in the park for the Vilitans. Had Jamie Nudge's first touch in international football not been wrongly ruled out for offside late in the game it could have been a different story.

Elrich started the game in their usual 4-4-2 formation with the same line-up familiar to their fans from the Baptsim of Fire. They were immediately put on the back-foot by the Vilitans and found themselves defending deperately for long spells of the match. Burns performed heroics in goal and Barry Scott cleared twice from underneath his own cross-bar. Elrich were hoping for a one-off chance from the counter-attack and set-plays, which it became apparant the team had been working hard on in the build up to the game. Despite all of Elrich's best efforts, a goal was always coming and Vilita took the lead just before half-time with a rebound after Burns had fantastically tipped a header onto the post.

The second half remained much the same, with Elrich clinging on to the match by a thread until the minute of controversy arrived. Jamie Nudge on debut had come on late in the game, with the score only at 1-0 to the Vilitans, to replace the injured Grimble who looks set to miss the next few games of qualification with an ankle injury. The Kingdom had been defending with heart and courage throughout the game hoping that when they got their one chance they would take it. Nudge did, played in by the mastermind Elrich, with his first touch for his country Nudge brilliantly chipped the advancing goalkeeper Kater and raced off to celebrate in front of the exstatic Elrichian fans. The linesman though, had other ideas and much to the anger of the Elrichian players and staff, spotted an offside in the build-up which no-one else in the ground, and no-one watching televesion replays afterwards saw. Nudge was visibly distraught, and midfield hard-man Robin Banks was lucky not to be sent off when he voiced his impolite opinion to the referee. Banks received only a yellow and had Elrich not intervened by dragging him away from the linesman it could have been a lot worse. Banks was promptly substituted by Bassett to calm him down. Elrich were all at sea after their dissapointment, and Vilita predictably and probably deservedly scored their second in a classy move in the dying minutes.

ELRICH - Burns, Scott, Jones, P Spinks, Adams, Allen (Murphy 72), J Spinks, Banks (Singh-Queen 85), Zebedee, Elrich, Grimble (Nudge 84)

REACTION

Bassett - "We defended with heart and courage today and I'm absoultely gutted. Vilita are a very very good side and we've been robbed of a point by an idiotic linesman. Over the course of the game they obviosuly deserved it but I'm angry because we should have had a point. I don't care if they fine me the linesman was a f**** joke, if I ever see him in Elrich I'll do him. There was no way he was offside. Jamie Nudge is distraught because he almost went down in Elrichian Folklore. Hopefully some day he will............."No there is no chance of me dropping Robin Banks, he did absoutley nothing I wouldn't have done in his position.............Jimmy (Grimble) has suffered a blow to the ankle and we'll have to see the specialist on monday, but I expect he'll miss a few weeks."

Taken from last night Oliverry-Groba broadcast at Oliverrian Sports Network...

At the half-time break...

JW: "The 45th minute just rang and the game is stop. 1-1 after 45 minutes. Now time for the summary, presented by Olipepsi®. Olipepsi®, hard to believe, hard to not drink."

BD: "The 2 scorers were, for Oliverry, Francis Delorient, that scores his first goal in his life, and for Groba, Attack Numberthree."

JW: "Thanks Benedict. As we promised you earlier, we will now see what happened earlier in the Limborgidlia's game against Atlantian Oceanian rivals, Cockbill Street, a game that Limbrogidlia lost 1-3. It started at the 20th minute when Ziyoulitx broke into the defense to score. 1-0 Limbrogidlia. At the 36th minute, Liam William got a penalty kick. And he took benefit of it: 1-1 at the Half-time. At the 63rd minute, Nick Marshall redirect the Henri McBen's corner direct in the net. 2-1 Limbrogidlia. But, 3 minutes later, Olivia Peterson surprizes Jamie Nommo in the top of the net. Cockbill Street ties up 2-2. But Howard Beacham sets everything by scoring at the 88th minute to give Cockbill Street a win against Limbrogidlia."

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt

VILK OFF!!!
Doo-lally Helmut Must Go

2-2-2-2-2?!?!? TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO?!?! Its less a formation than a roadie's catchphrase, yet it was this formation (which was tried and failed in Vilita) which brough Audioslavia to its knees in front of a nation ranked a whole one-hundred and twenty places worse off than the 'slaves. At home.

The team was totally unexpected and unfamiliar to Audioslavians. A nation that has been famed for its fast and skillfull wingers since day one yesterday fielded a team with absoloutely none. Not even a wing-back or a full back:

1
Celta
5 6
Smashnov Ceulemans
2 3
Colgan Raven
4 23
Mussorgsky Alanila
7 8
Jeroen Dvorak
14 9
Polsson McCosstessey

Well, at least he put the goalkeeper in goal, and the two centre-halves in their right position. But whats with Colgan and Raven, two full-backs, playing as liberos in front of the defence? Jeroen in the middle? Polsson, a player who hadn't even a cap to his name before the game, playing as a striker?! Alongside not Jan-Arne Hellstrom (one of our best players) but Danny McCosstessey? If the formation was meant to confuse the Kurumada team, it didn't work at all.

Audioslavia were horrible in the first half. Only the defensive work of Smashnov and Ceulemans stopped Kurumada taking two goals in the first ten minutes. The Kurumada left-winger found acres of space down the left wing (mainly because we don't have a right back, a right midfielder, a right winger or any player on the right) in just the third minute, yet his cross was well kept out by Ceulemans, snatching it from the feet of the tall Kurumada number nine. Kurumada had another good opportunity as a perfect pass from the right hand side found the striker, but his shot was charged down quickly by Smashnov.

Audioslavia's attacking efforts in the first half were laughable. Nobody found space, and although it seemed that Mussorgsky and Alanila had been encouraged to venture wide, neither was successful for Audioslavia. Why? Well, because Mussorgsky is a CENTRAL midfielder and Alanila is FUCKING VILITAN.

Kurumada's goal just after half-time came as no-surprise as they found themselves once again with acres of space out wide. This time the winger's cross was too good for Ceulemans to get to and the ball was converted by a diving header from the number eight. Audioslavia 0, Kurumada 1.

It would have been perfectly understandable if Kurumada had gone on to shut up shop and try and hold the lead, but so easy were they finding the game that they simply stepped up the tempo and went for the second. Only after Audioslavia's cross-bar was rattled in the seventy-fourth minute, and Audioslavia's fans were rattled by Vilkaous's introduction of Ennio Neruda for the side's captain and only decent performer, Aron Ceulemans, in the seventy-eighth minute, did Kurumada take a step back and defend the lead. Audioslavia had absoloutely no answer, especially when striker McCosstessy was replaced by the un-tried central midfielder Jackie Burns late on in the game.

Vilkaous would later explain that his questionable substitutions were an attempt to bring shape to the clueless side, but he refused to comment on the sheer awfulness of either the defeat or the formation.

FINAL SCORE
AUDIOSLAVIA 0
KURUMADA 1

Group 11 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Bedistan 1 1 0 0 3 0 3 +3
Kericia 1 1 0 0 3 1 3 +2
Kurumada 1 1 0 0 1 0 3 +1
Bettia 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0
PopularFreedom 1 0 1 0 1 1 1 0
Audioslavia 1 0 0 1 0 1 0 -1
Viszonia 1 0 0 1 1 3 0 -2
San-Lorenzo 1 0 0 1 0 3 0 -3

The result puts us in shit creek with a paddle shaped like an intolerable Vilitan. Elsewhere, Vilita made light work of San Lorenzo, dispatching them three-nil. Its worth noting that San Lorenzo has certain ties with Squornshelous. Can Vilkaous re-write history by recreating Audioslavia's most infamous defeat, the 4-0 loss to the n00b Squornshelous in World Cup 4? The way things are going, i wouldn't put it past him.

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches.

Vikings start off sluggish, come back an draw even in first match

Perhaps sleep is a good thing. The Vikings did not get much sleep the night before because of renovations being completed in Vikings Stadium and were rather slow to start their first football match of the qualifications, ceeding 2 goals early against Geisenfried, but they managed to come back in the second half do put the game locked at 2 each for a 2-2 draw to end. Strangly, all three of the other matches in the group ended with the scoreline of 3-0 with the higher ranked of the teams taking 3 points.

The matches opening minutes showed a glimpes of what could be in store from the future of the Geisenfried team. One of their forwards hit the box and recieved a pinpoint pass from a midfielder that he connected with his head just past Powell Lamar for the lead in the 7th minute. There were not many cheers to be heard from the crowd, as the packed stands have very little color other than green and blue. When the play resumed, a careless mistake from a bad pass by Jason Mitchell that wen right to the feet of a Geisenfried midfielder. Seeing as the Vikings attack was on, their players were more not expecting a turn so quickly and there were only 2 defenders in the back to play against the 5 coming from Geisenfried. Eventually, the 5 players passed the defenders, and there ended up with two on one in the box. The first forward passed to the other in the box, but instead of shooting like Lamar thought he was, he passed back to the first forward and a light tap put Geisenfried up improbably 2-0 in the 24th minute. The first half was mostly dead quiet, as the Vikings just could not get into any type of scoring rythem and continually made mistakes when closing in on the box. Although Fmjphoenix held the ball for most of the first half, they could not capitolize on their chances and were down 2-0.

But it is a wonder what a little coffee from the Golden Cafetiere can do for a tired team. After a rousing cup of joe, the Vikings came out looking like the team that nearly went to the Round of 16 in World Cup 23. Right out of the gates, Mike Nolan went to business, scoring the first goal of the Vikings run in World Cup 24 in the 48th minute, bringing noise back into the stadium when he layed himself and siscor kicked in the pass from Eli Grimm past the stunned keeper for only a 2-1 deficit. Geisenfried tried to make a comeback when they got the ball, but Powell Lamar found himself during the halftime, and was playing at his superior level again. It again took some more time for the Vikings to find their way up the pitch, but they finally got in again with a strike by Dave Daniels in the 74th minute. Nothing too fancy about the score, lots of precise passing and a good hard shot lead to the second goal by the Vikings. But the Vikings would not be able to get another chance, as Geisenfried's coach suprising had his team play keepaway with the ball. They didn't try to get in close to score another goal, but seemed more intent on just not letting any Fmjphoenix player get a hold of the ball. The match would end in a dissapointing fashion for the Vikings, but it was cheers for the Geisenfried squad, as they managed to take a point in their first match.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Geisenfried: 2
Nolan 48, Daniels 74 - Forward 7, 24

Fmjphoenix's World Cup 24 Qualification:
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Geisenfried Draw 2-2
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ Naleoospalakintula
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Prince Aidan
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Tallionis
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Starblaydia
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Harlesburg
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Louvisa
---------------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Geisenfried
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs Naleoospalakintula
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Prince Aidan
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Tallionis
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Starblaydia
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Harlesburg
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Louvisa
Record: 0-1-0

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquierer

Sports Section

Inside: Former coach Kabants blasts MFA and Fairbanks as doddards

Milchama stumbles in first game hope for better second game

In a horrible start to the campaign for the Milchama Warriors as they lost on the road to number 5 seeded Turori 4-1. The game was not good for the Warriors who were looking for a better start to the campaign then a 4-1 loss. Coach Jonathan Fairbanks said, "We came to Turori looking for better than this. We might not have expected to win but at least to make a decent showing on the road and to do better than a 4-1 loss." He went on to say that "This game shows our weaknesses as a squad and that we need to drastically improve our soccer skills to compete with the best in the world."

The game started well for the Warriors who were attacking and looking good against the number 5 team in the world. In the tenth minute a wonderful cross from Faren almost led to a goal by Marc J. Floren but was saved brilliantly by the Turorian keeper. Unfortunately right after this good attack the Turorians counter attacked with crazy speed and scored on a beautiful shot by a striker. This did not discourage the visitors who continued to attack and had a the majority of the possesion. Finally the we broke through in the 38th minute J.J. Faren went around 2 defenders and shot a beutiful shot into the corner of the goal to tie the game at one. The score at halftime 1-1.

The second half started bad and got worse for Milchama. It started bad as in the 48th minute Striker X from Turori put a perfect cross for a header into the net for 2-1 lead. Only 7 minutes later the score became 3-1 after a foul just outside the area by Patrick O Brian created a free kick that led to Turori's third goal and a 3-1 lead. Tha game settled down after these 2 quick goals. Possesion was mostly around the midfield but instead of Milchama getting the majority of the possesion it was Turori who made more of their chances then Milchama almost scoring in the 68th minute and again just missing the post in the 72nd minute. After this post Brandon Callers entered the game and had an immediate impact on the Milchama squad creating one quick counter attack that almost ended up in a goal. The ensuing goal kick after the counter attack led to the 4th Turorian as Midfielder T got the ball and played a perfect ball thru the defense for a goal.

Coach Fairbanks said that Brandon Callers will be the central defense starter next game.

Final Score
Turori 4 (Y 11, 81, X 48, T 55)
Milchama 1 (Faren 42)

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU….

WORLD CUP ACTION – LIVE!

“Welcome to the Empire of Eauz. I’m Father John the Golden-Throated, and you’re watching live coverage of The Archregimancy in this, their first ever World Cup qualifier. We seem to be having problems with the feed from ordinary reality to the Dreamed Realm, but we’ll bring you as much of the match as we can.

It’s a tough start for our brave footballing monks today as they travel to take on a previous tournament winner – Eauz are the 15th ranked team in the world. And if they’ve arguably been…

<static>

…last Wednesday. And here come the teams – the Archregimancy preceded, as always, by the Holy Icon of the Mother of God, Bringer of Victory. And if previous form is anything to go by, nothing short of direct intervention by the Theotokos is going to help our lads today.

<static>

…with a monkey and a banana. And they’re off! The World Cup campaign has begun!

Looks like the Archregimancy are playing their usual orthodox 4-4-2 formation. Fr. Polycarp the Venerable and Fr. David the Water-Drinker will seek to dominate the centre of midfield, and feed it forward to Fr. Silouan of the Seventy Caves and Fr. Nicholas the Hermit, or send the ball wide to the wings. Either way, it’s vital that Fr. Polycarp and Fr. David can control the game – reports of a disagreement between the two in training camp this week are perhaps less than auspicious. But that’s what you get…

<static>

…the ball from Eauz. And might I add how difficult it is to commentate today given the total lack of information I have on this Eauz squad. Fr. Polycarp takes the ball. Passes it left to Fr. Andrew the Twice-Found. Fr. Andrew comes forward, dodges one, dodges another, sends a cross in… FATHER SILOUAN!!!!! FATHER SILOUAN SCORES!!!!!!!!! No. Wait. The linesman’s flag is up. Offside. A shocking decision. I’m sorry to say that this is the sort of nonsense you get when you have heretics and blasphemers for officials. No true son of the Holy Mother Church could have failed to see that Fr. Silouan was even with the last defender. Appalling. Why, just last week, during the fast of…..

<static>

…straight to Hell. And this is another sustained period of pressure from Eauz, but Fr. Michael the Greater and Fr. Dmitri the Humble in central defence have been equal to the challenge so far. Magnificent defending from two players who have no doubt put their full trust in the Lord. That earlier goalkeeping fumble from Fr. Justinian the Thrice-Blessed was unfortunate, yes, but our central defenders are keeping the heathens and heretics at bay right now. A well-timed counter-attack and…

<static>

…a thundering left-footed free kick from Fr. Polycarp STRIKES THE CROSSBAR! A magnificent shot from the captain! So close to giving the Archregimancy their first goal of the campaign! Of course, we should have scored earlier, if that freemason of a linesman hadn’t disallowed Fr. Silouan’s perfectly legitimate header. No doubt a demon possesses his soul, the poor unfortunate, but offers from the Archregimancy supporting staff to cast out the demon at half-time were, alas, rebuffed. Which reminds me, only…

<static>

…a heresy. And it looks like Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, is making some tactical changes. He’s deep in discussion with technical advisor Juan Tzimisces, and… yes… substitutions. Fr. Michael the New Hermit is coming off, likewise Fr. Pavel the Wanderer. And Fr. Constantine the Learned and Fr. Demetrius of the New City are coming on. So it looks like the squad are switching to a 3-4-3 formation – an adaptation of Coach Kyrill’s controversial 10-man 3-3-3 formation in honour of the Holy Trinity, in this case no doubt designed to get us that goal by throwing an extra forward on, and putting pressure on the Eauz defence. If this….

<static>

…and another crunching tackle from Fr. Dmitri. He’s been magnificent today in defence, and you certainly wouldn’t blame him. Time after time he’s marshalled the back line as wave after wave of Eauz crashes down on them. C’est magnifique, as the locals might say….

<static>

…walking off with their heads held high. Our brave lads never gave up, and you can truly say that this was a great moral victory, a situation where the soul grows through the lessons learned on the field of play. Yes, there’s still room for improvement, but our squad’s never-give-up attitude will no doubt have won many a convert today, and with upcoming opponents Rejistania only squeaking by with a paltry 5-0 victory over Kaze Progressia today, we can still have every confidence of moving forward in qualification. Next time we might want to insist on banning freemasons and heretics from officiating, but otherwise...

<static>

…final score? Why should I do….

<static>

…the Archregimancy nil. Yes, truly a mighty moral victory for our lads!

Let's Progress!

The Orange-Blues defeated the resurrected nation of Kaze Progressa by a hardly-Karelan 5:0. No, we have no explanation either for that. Linux Raju, who was forward in this match said: "Well, I did not expect I'd score before the match, but then the offensive style of play created so many chances, which just yearned to be capitalized."

The Orange-Blues played a very attacking 5-4-1 instead of their normal 6-3-1 or 7-2-1. Kaze Progressa played in a so attacking formation that it is impossible to tell it without it being censored by the profanity filter.

Arati Mautivi had the first chance in the match, but the rejistanian defense was able to stop him and start a counter-attack. The progressans were unable to stop the quick Nantisimuan forward. Linux Raju scored the 1:0 in the 5th minute with a shot into the upper left corner of the goal. Progressan goalie Arista Hetujuk was too late here. Well, he played generally as if he was having a serious hangover and/or serious visual problems. If he was rejistanian, he would never be able to show his face in public again, but as progressan, he can blame the five goals against on bad general performance of the entire team and their lacking experience. A progressan fan, who wanted to be anonymous said: "Our team of WC 18 would so have trashed this current team."

Also after the 1:0, the numerous attacks gave the Orange-Blues several chances to counter attack, of which 4 led to goals. Linux Raju scored three goals in one match for the first time in his international career, well, in his entire career. He said to a reporter of the Sekhika sijah'jet in the press conference: "Playing against such an attacking team is fun. one has many chances! Attack really means defeat!"

CasariONENews

Casari Loses 0-2 to One Red Dot
Yeah, it's not a shock.

One Red Dot rolled over the untested Casari side in their first ever World Cup match.

"Well, it's not exactly a shock, you know." Forward Ari Saienz said after the game. "They're a very highly ranked team in this competition, and we're just fresh meat."

The loss in One Red Dot is a slight blow to the Casari side, but much worse things have happened. "We need to think of our home games now. It will be easier to get results at home instead of out among the much more powerful teams at their stadiums."

The game was quite uninteresting, with goals by One Red Dot scored at 34 and again at 83 minutes. Neither the Casaran offense or defense had much to say against the stellar defense and offense of One Red Dot.

"While this is a dissapointing setback, we're still confident that we can perform in future games and get a nice mid-table finish." Coach Tim Bridges had to say.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Wabbits do the expected

Spruitland - Taken Names: 2 – 1

Unlike some other, more experienced teams, the Spruitland Wabbits did not slip up in their opening match of World Cup 24 Qualifying. There was very little concern about the visit of the somewhat obscure Taken Names team, but Spruitland coach Cor Bensen undoubtedly let out a sigh of relief when the final whistle sounded.

A solid first half saw the Wabbits run away from their opponents, with team captain Frederic Juneau opening the score and Dirk Jools doubling the lead not long after, but a complacent performance after the break prevented the match from turning into a walk-over. When Taken Names clawed one back ten minutes before full time, things even threatened to turn dicey for the Wabbits, but they managed to hold on to the three points without too much trouble.

“Yeah, not as wide a margin as we had hoped,” Bensen said after the match, “but at least it’s not a nil-nil, ey?”

The entire Spruitland population can undoubtedly agree with that statement, though on the other hand, there must be some regrets about having to hand over the Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon at the end of Qualifying. Who they’ll be handing it to is anybody’s guess for now, as 96 teams are tied in the race for the Spoon, all with zero 0-0 draws.

“Heck, maybe there’ll be no scoreless draws at all in Qualifying and we get to keep the Spoon another four years,” a hopeful Spruitland fan said. In any case, it seems certain that the Wabbits will not be aiming to win the Spoon twice in a row.

“Not bloody likely,” star striker Dirk Jools grunted in reply to that suggestion. “I’ll personally see to it that we end dead last in that competition. Mark my words, I’ll score in every damn qualifying match.”

Another bold prediction by the Spruitland forward, one which will undoubtedly be very difficult to pull off. Jools has become known for his occasional rash statements to the press, a behavior psychiatrists believe might indicate a severe lack of confidence rather than an abundance of it. Perhaps Spruitland’s superstar is feeling the hot breath of two up-and-coming younger superstars in his neck.

Both Chico Provoost and Taki Sala have been kicking major behind in the last two Under-21 World Cups, each totalling 15 goals at a junior level. Their chemistry on the field played a major part in the Bunnies’ run for the title in the most recent U-21 World Cup, and some supporters believe they’re ready to do the same on a senior level.

21-year old Taki Sala – born in Rejistania but emigrated to Spruitland several years ago, fleeing from the evil Karelan priests – made his senior debut tonight, replacing Dirk Jools for the last five minutes of the match. Sala denied, however, that this was because Jools had barely touched the ball in the second half.

“Oh no, Jools is one best player,” Sala said, “but he must left because he was a neck pain. But is ok now and can start next match.”

Sala also said he was delighted to get the chance to represent Spruitland, and that he hadn’t expected to come onto the field so early in the Qualifying campaign.

“Was very exciting! But was also very nervious, becase we only win one goal with not good team!”

Spruitland - Taken Names: 2 – 1
1-0 Juneau (27’)
2-0 Jools (39’)

2005-08-18

Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) gain tie with Bettia Aroras (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team), Viltacore furious over result.
Coach rips players after for allowing Bettia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team) to score tying goal late in game.

International Report - The Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) again proved that they are a world class football power with a superb showing in their first World Cup game. As both teams took the pitch the fans were cheering wildly. Bettia fans seemed a bit shocked at the rancour of the PopularFreedom crowd towards one another, apparently unaware of the deep divisions within the country between supporters and enemies of the national team.

The Shark fans were as usual roaring their approval as the national team took the field with their usual, 'RIP THEM TO SHREADS! GGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOO SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKSSSSSS!', chant. Meanwhile fans of their crosstown rival, Pleasantview Ravens (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Pleasantview_Ravens), who were not represented on the national team kept yelling, 'WHERE THE RA-VENS!'

Bettia fans were also confused in regards to the placement of the fans of PopularFreedom for the World Cup with Raven and Shark supporters opposite one another in the stands. More than one Bettia commentator was heard questioning the logic of the division of fans by World Cup organizers, obviously unaware of the past history of Shark and Raven supporters at international events such as during the Trotsgrad riots (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9240570&postcount=47) last month.

The match itself proved to be a spirited though rusty affair at times. The Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) came out with their usual full attack with their attacking midfielders punishing the defense of Bettia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team) from the onset. The Bettia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team) team had obviously underestimated the skill of the Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) plus had assumed no forwards meant no offense. Coach Dennis Viltacore had long ago commented that sooner or later this deception would help to play apart in the overall strategy behind the Sharks attack. The game today was definetly one time this comment held to fruition.

At the 7th minute of play midfielder Glen Owens fired a shot from the just outside the box that Bettia goaltender Ricardo DiTorino was able to get a hand on and direct over the bar. Veteran Shark midfielder Alex Walters took the ensuing cornerkick and lofted a shot that flirted just over the heads of a few Sharks and Arora players before being redirected towards the goal by Shark midfielder Vincent Matthews. Bettia goaltender Ricardo DiTorino made a magnificant save however the rebound came to an Arora defender who was unable to clear the ball. After two failed attempts to knock it out, the ball was taken from Musa Williams by Owens who quickly nailed a shot into the far corner of the net to shock the Bettia supporters while sending the Shark fans into delirious celebration.

Bettia quickly woke up and started to press their attack with long balls to their strikers who quickly tested Shark back up goaltender Kirk Lanstaff who had replaced Jonan Restabull at the last minute before the start of the game. Lanstaff proved brilliant in his saves and showed why he had earned a place on the national team while the Shark fans continued their onslaught of cheers from the stadium rafters.

At break the Bettia Aroras (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team) altered their attack while Viltacore kept his boys on the attack as well. Viltacore would later comment that, 'if we were up by two or three than I could think about sitting back even though that is not our way, however a score of 1-0 is no time to sit back on your heels and let the opponent come to you'.

The new strategy by the Aroras (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bettia_National_Football_Team) however proved to overwhelm the Sharks (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/North_Beach_Sharks) somewhat as the Bettia squad outshot the Sharks in the first stages of the second half though William Welsh, a substitute at the start of the second half for midfielder Willis Omare, managed to ring one off the crossbar in the 65th minute on a break down the right wing.

In the 71st minute the Bettia resolve final broke through our defense as Judson York blitzed down the wing, snuck through one defender before depositing the ball onto the feet of Chris Hutton who sniped a shot into the edge of the corner. Coach Viltacore later noted that, 'that Hutton kid has some excellent accuracy'.

With the game tied the Shark fans continued to shout down cheers of, 'REFUND, REFUND', in reference the Sharks getting a goal in return though that was not to happen. As the match was called the teams finished in a tie 1-1. The Sharks are hoping for a better showing against Audioslavia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Audioslavia#Sport) tomorrow though with Audioslavia losing today against Kurumada they most likely will not take PopularFreedom as lightly as Bettia did at the start of the game today.

2005-08-18 - World Cup MATCH PREVIEW

Viltacore makes changes for Audioslavia (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Audioslavia#Sport) World Cup match, Restabull and Jodoski to start.
Meanwhile rumours abound that star striker Shawn Peruvo (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Shawn_Peruvo) and star netminder Peter Locart will play in Saturday's match verses Bedistan (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Bedistan_Football_Association_%28organization%29).

International Report - Dennis Viltacore saw enough. Despite the super performance put forth earlier today by goaltender Kirk Lanstaff, Jonan Restabull is to start in tomorrow's game verses Audioslavia.

Coach Dennis Viltacore tried to play down the decision noting that Restabull was to have started the Bettia match until coming down with an undisclosed illness just prior to gametime forcing Lanstaff to start. Viltacore however was not apologetic in noting the rational for his decision. 'That Bettia kid, Chris Hutton, scores 1 on 1 verses Lanstaff. I admit that Hutton kid had a perfect shot but still I am sure Restabull would have saved that shot and Locart would have for sure got a hand on that had he been here' [currently Peter Locart is with most of the other Shark starters finishing up a tournament in The Heartland region].

Meanwhile Willis Omare has been pulled after doing nothing in the Bettia game and Johan Jodoski has gotten his chance to see if his skill is as good as his mouth at the international level. Viltacore noted that Jodoski was chosen over William Welsh since, 'I would rather leave Welsh till the very end so we can add some shock to our offense in the second half. We nearly gave Bettia a heartattack when Welsh nailed that shot off the post in the 65th minute today so hopefully we can put him in tomorrow in the latter stages of the game and this time he can find the net for us even when battling Audioslavia's wall of 4 defenders.'

In other football rumblings, rumours are swirling that star Shark striker Shawn Peruvo and star goaltender Peter Locart are going to be flying in from The Heartland to play in Saturday's game verses Bedistan. When asked about this Viltacore remained tight lipped though noted that, 'I recognize the ranking of Bedistan and still intend to win'. Reports from Vassfforcia in The Heartland region however have noted that the Sharks have arranged for Peruvo and Locart to be driven directly to the airport after their quarterfinal match (in the Vassfforcia tournament (http://invisionfree.com/forums/The_Heartland/index.php?showtopic=3409)) tomorrow.

You Win Some, You Lose Some
Or just lose...

Harlesburg 3-0 Naleloospalakintula

Well, that sucked.

Some stadium: Harlesburg

Yesterday, Naleloospalakintula had flown to Harlesburg, expecting some kind of easy game. Well, our expections were shot back in our faces.
The Palak 2's ran out onto the pitch, out in front of a packed crowd, not even knowing the stadiums name, the oppositions name, their own name. It was quite obvious after 20 minutes that there was a slight mental problem on the pitch, but stadium stewards took care of that. Damn naked people.

Point Nalel had the closest chance for Naleloospalakintula. A corner taken by Pole Nalel was headed out by a Harlesburg defender, Point Nalel was just outside the box, chested the ball down and smashed a scorcher, missing by 5 yards.

Polish Nalel had this to say: "Well, look at us, we're shit, bloody shit! Just leave me alone..*sob*"

We spoke to asst. coach Strangle Nalel instead: "Err...well..at the time of the 0 minutes to 78 minutes, I was sent away to the nearest Kosta Koffee, but those last ten minutes I thought we played well, what was the score? 1-0? ...3-0? Oh, ok..."

The next game for Naleloospalakintula will be against Fmjphoenix at the 8,500 seater 'Valli the Basin Stedia'.

"Weren't our fans just wonderful, even though we were losing 3-0, they still kept their spirit up and were so happy.....they had game boys?"

"Next game, against Fmjphoenix...yeah we'll lose, but we will try, but hopefully not get exhausted, we know Naleloospalakintula offer the cleanest prosititutes outside our beloved stadiums. The team against Fmjphoenix will be..."

Team V Fmjphoenix

GK: Store Nalel
DF: Brew Nalel
DF: Brill Nalel
DF: Brass Nalel
DF: Braw Nalel
DM: Pool Nalel
CM: Pot Nalel
CM: Pox Nalel
OM: Point Nalel
FW: Crank Nalel
FW: Cream Nalel

C'mon Palak 2's!!

Clavis downed 3-1 in qualifying opener
Liverpool England in much control over the game
Match Venue: Grover's Park, Orean (41,620 in paid attendance)
Score: Liverpool England 3-1 Clavis
Scorers: Lawrence O'Reilly (Liverpool England; 13th, 64th, 90th pen.); Jeffery Hamel (Clavis; 61st pen.)
Notes: Kendall David (Clavis); Nathan Robinson (Liverpool England) sent off 82nd

Liverpool England dominated a weak Clavis team at Grover's Park in the team's second-to-last home game in a kit that they've worn since World Cup 8 without major changes. Clavis failed to trouble starting goalkeeper Max Montrose, earning his fourth cap after three pre-World Cup friendlies, until only about a quarter of an hour into the game. However, by then, Liverpool England had already scored a goal.

Lawrence O'Reilly is the name that would roll off most modern fans' tongues when asked the question "Which footballer do you idolise most", compared to perhaps Sir Paul Dussis or Caddy Cannon for the older generation. O'Reilly showed why that was when he struck home a beautifully curved shot from 25 yards, the first real attack from either side in the game. Being set up by Montrose's long clearance from a pass-back, he took the ball past both Neville Cheney and Hector Montalvo before coolly hitting his long-range effort.

He brought his tally to two only after Jeffery Hamel had scored from a 61st minute penalty; the result of being brought down by Montrose in the box. Montrose escaped with a yellow card and stern warning, as well as some unkind words from Hamel. Hamel ficked himself up and calmly slotted the ball past Montrose to even the game.

O'Reilly restored the deficit just three minutes later; the pressure of the game getting to Byron McCain, playing his first-ever World Cup qualifier. McCain unintelligently rushed out of his area to deal with a back pass, unaware that O'Reilly was waiting to pounce. O'Reilly gladly accepted the offer, making it 2-1.

The game was dominated by the home side passing the ball around as if it was a walkover until the 81st minute, where a rash challenge by midfielder Nathan Robinson on Clavis's Kendall David going past him brough David's fist to his jaw. Robinson then responded with a shove, and soon a melee had broken out which ended with Starblaydian referee T'ysius Khoimbar sending both players off. David is awaiting punsihment; Robinson has been suspended for the mandatory three games for violent conduct plus another seven games by the FALE, and has been fined L£1mn, a record fine by the FALE.

O'Reilly never did let this get to him; in stoppage time he was brought down by McCain, who was not booked. O'Reilly got up, placed the ball on the spot, and sent it into the roof of the net to ensure victory and three points for the home side, who face Dedostan away next.

Tigers 'squash' New Montreal Sates
'Not good enough' says Luchinsky

New Montreal States came to Dushanbe too get some points but instead they got a defeat, mostly the work of striker Oleg Salenko, dropping his corner shot in the 17' minute on Kirovs head, the latter only had to push it in the right direction.

8 minutes that same Salenko gets an assist from Lavr Kornilov, and bumps it in the New Montreal box with his own head.
The Tadjiks controlled much of the First half but they couldnt finish job yet. For that they had to wait until the second half.

But while the Tigers prepared themselves to get the job done, New Montreal States scored through a goal by Jean Rousseau, The Tigers were taken by surprise, and for a while couldnt do much against the NMS drive that had been sparked by this goal.
But eventually the Tigers got back on their feet and took control again, but once more they couldnt finish the job until Gorodnianskij, a veteran from Vaksh Qorgontheppa replaced Galistski, and as it usually is with the Tigers, it was the veteran who did what the young boys couldnt.
Gorodnianskij made the third Tadjik goal and ended a strange match.

The Tigers celebrated their first victory without their Coach, once the match ended Luchinsky returned to his office, only to be seen again two hours later. When asked how he felt about the match he said 'It was not good enough. We gave away a goal. Our defenses need to be improved quickly. How can you expect us to qualify for the Cup if we give away goals in our first match, at home against a weaker opponent? Whet will that result to in our matches against Spruitland or Lethislavania? On the other hand, I was very pleased by what I saw from Salenko. We have some good strikers and that is reassuring.'

Vikings to travel with extra security after bomb scare in Naleloospalakintula

After a bomb threat moved the venue of the Vikings away match against Naleloospalakintula to the 8,500 seater 'Valli the Basin Stedia', the FAF has decided to have an extra security team travel with the Vikings to provide any assisstance neccisary to the Naleloospalakintulan Police and Security forces. This is not the first time that a stadium where the Vikings were going to play a match has had a bomb threat. During World Cup XXII, there was a bomb threat at Vrelt Field in Dublin. The match was moved to the Lupe Grounds to make sure there was no problems.

In other news, Draylorn Food Inc. has reported a 42% increase in sales of Takilan Brownies, especially in non-AO regions. Rumors are going around that Draylorn Food is closing in on purchasing Spraat FC. What that would do to Spraat FC is unknown, as Spraat is known as a defensive squad, and very passive, while the owners at DFI are agressive in all actions.

Lastly, more strange messages of DK and KD have been plaguing electronics and snailmail all over Fmjphoenix. It is still unknown what effects they are having all over, but we will report more when we here more.

MATCHDAY ONE QUICK REVIEW

Shocks:
Group 2: Lovisa 0-1 Dedostan
Everyone's favourite no-marks lose to first-timers Dedostan.

Group 3: Lethislavania 2-2 Shearer Heaven
Alan will be bragging for weeks.....

Group 4: FMJPhoenix 2-2 Geisenfried
A far cry from the 4-1 not-really-victories of World Cup 23.

Group 6: Oaker 2-2 Hurfordia
Impressive stuff from the Baptism of Fire champions - Oaker were world cup finalists eight years ago.

Group 7: Crystilakere 2-2 Ruventsoria, Hypocria 0-1 Southern Manchester
Arguably the biggest shock in this group so far is that Jeruselem are top!

Group 8: Kylaai 0-1 Brazillico
After several decades in the wilderness, it's like they've never been away. Aww, bless.

Group 10: Spaam 1-2 Jewish Citizens
<Insert spam/kosher joke here>

Group 11: Audioslavia 0-1 Kurumada
Will Vilkaous make it to MD14 as 'slaves boss? Will he make it to MD14 alive?

Latest Betting from Azurbet.kt:
STARBLAYDIA: 11/4
SARZONIA: 7/2
REJISTANIA: 4/1
DRUIDA: 5/1
KRYTENIA: 11/2
BEDISTAN: 6/1
VILITA: 8/1
AUDIOSLAVIA: 12/1
...and your outsiders
SHEARER HEAVEN: 500/1
KAZE PROGRESSA: 2000/1

GRAHAM CITY SUN - Stars take home reassuring victory over System Karela

GRAHAM CITY - Today at Fleury Memorial Stadium, the Lowland Clans Stars handily defeated System Karela, much to the rejoicing of Takilan fans throughout the Allied States. The performance of the team also calmed many fears about how hey would perform on the internationa stage again lower/non-ranked teams. As a reporter though, I must withhold my judgement until the game against Dauna Hills comes to a close. While stars Gary Park and Westley Stjepan both played outstanding, lesser known names like Hosea Apagios and Duncan Garret, now playing in Spruitland, looked shaky and had a few missed passes here and there, a bad touch, nothing overly spectacular, but Gary Johnson would be wise to work on fundamentals and teamwork as the games nicknamed Tough 3 approach.

Around our group, no surprises as both Nova Britannicus and Turori took both their games handily. One big surprise has been Milchama's over-confidence for qualification. I mean, finishing over Pedriana is one thing, but a squad ranked 53 spots higher than it in the world? What, did some excess spruits make there way into the reporters breakfast that morning? I digress.

The Lowland Clans[40] 2 - 0 System Karela [-]

NEXT GAME PREVIEW
Liverpoolian [-] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]

Look for several subs to get some starting time in Liverpoolian, as the Clans are expected to take home another victory. Watch for the performance of the defense, which was flaky today, and should be subject to extreme national security.

PREDICTED SCORELINE: Liverpoolian [-] 0 - 3 The Lowland Clans[40]

Matchday 1: The Lowland Clans[40] 2 - 0 System Karela [-]
Matchday 2: Liverpoolian [-] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 3: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Milchama [93]
Matchday 4: Dauna Hills [147] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 5: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Pedriana [69]
Matchday 6: Nova Britannicus [23] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 7: Turori [9] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
--------------------------------------------------
Matchday 8: System Karela [-] vs The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 9: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Liverpoolian [-]
Matchday 10: Milchama [93] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 11: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Dauna Hills [147]
Matchday 12: Pedriana [69] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 13: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Nova Britannicus [23]
Matchday 14: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Turori [9]

Best of Dominaria Tamed
Starblaydia cruise to easy Tallionis win

Tallionis' Tigers found out yesterday that if they wanted to compete with the 'big dogs' of world football like Starblaydia in their own back yard, they'd need to step up their game. One of Atlantian Oceania's best, Starblaydia simply had way too much firepower for the Tigers as the 85,000-seater Big Eye Arena saw Starblaydia's tenth Word Cup Qualifying win in a row.

Starblaydia's midfield effectively ran the show, Alejo Cuevo and Itechton Matranga controlling the midfeild as if they were a bunch of white/purple and blue/gold-shirted puppets. It was Matranga's pass, no less, that allowed Zhorin Tumunzahar to turn Pallo Yven inside out with a great spin and before side-footing the ball past Hoen. Matranga himself scored the second, opting to blast the ball from twenty-five yards rather than get someone else to do it. Top-right corner and Hoen once more had to pick the ball out of the net.

Angelos Prokopsis, on the other hand, was rarely troubled in the Starblaydi net, even more so when Matranga was replaced by former national Captain Gbenga Ogunniya. Ogunniya quickly bagged a goal of his own as he dragged Starblaydia forward and burst into the box to power the ball past Hoen for a third time.

Final Score from Penningworth
Starblaydia 3 - 0 Tallionis
(Tumunzahar 14, Matranga 31, Ogunniya 79) - (None)

Conures make great start to World Cup Campaign

Hurfordia opened their first World Cup qualifying campaign with an impressive performance, twice coimng from behind to steal a point from former finalists Oaker.

After going behind to an early goal from a free-kick, Hurfordia kept their heads up and fought for every scrap of possession. The equaliser came ten minutes from half-time from the unlikely figure of Brandan O'Halloran. O'Halloran began his club career as a striker for talent-mine Hellas Academy Old Boys, before moving to centre-back on the recommendation of the club's manager Peter Langrishe, now international manager. O'Halloran certainly showed some of that striking talent, popping up in the box to slip home a rebound from Holsworthy's header off Lebrun's corner.

Hurfordia's defence proved to be effective at stopping Oaker's attacks, but the pressue eventually told, as Oaker scored on the hour, with their strike force beating the off-side trap and scoring from close range. The Conures, however, showed that they are not a team that lies down, and they continued to push forward in search of a goal. Their persistance was rewarded after 75 minutes, when the impressive debutant Burren headed on a corner stright to Sargeant. The striker made no mistake, powering the ball home from close range to cap a great performance.

Manager Peter Langrishe told "White on Green" that he was "pleased" with the result.

"As far as I'm concerned, it was a great result for us. To get a draw against a team ranked eighty-odd places above us is a great achievement. It was tough game for us first off, and I tbink we have managed to prove that we are more than capable of competing at this level."

Team (4-3-3)
Sedley; O'Halloran, Johnston, Horvath, Woods; Lebrun, Denning (Burren 50'), Sulla; Holsworthy (Howard 87'), Sargeant, Stimpson (Rawling 75')

Scorers; O'Halloran 35', Sargeant 75'

It's a mistake! (next to the headline is a picture of goalkeeper Ilya Sullivan not managing to get hold of the ball)

Fleury Memorial Stadium, The Lowland Clans. It was a huliliating defeat, but the priests of Karela already assumed so. One source from inside the temple said the team is still not karelan enough for a scoreless draw. "The lowland Clans were a hard test for us and we have not passed... the good thing of course was that only 2 goals were conceded. There were teams losing so high that is seems like a cussword. We can be glad that we played not that bad. ????? ???????????????,?????? ??????????????? ???????????!" Goalkeeper Sullivan'he refused to comment. System Karela never had a chance to score themselves. Striker Boris Karpa said: "If we left our half, we would have given them chances to score more. This why we played something more likely to a 10-0-0 then a 6-3-1." Coach Hexatux 1 said to all questions of the reporters: "Syntax Error!"

Announcer: "That was Alan Belmore, tribute to a GODMOD on DruidSport. Coming up next, more All-Druid shoe-flinging, but now, time for a word from our sponsors..."

Child: "What's this you've got, mummy?"

Mummy: "It's the latest drug from those wonderful people at Chemindus, honey!"

Child: "Oooh! What does it do?"

Mummy: "It's great! It's called Rosterthreadilookedatum (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=435169)*, and it allows you to recognise people from other countries you've never seen before!"

Child: "That's crazy! Can I have one?"

Mummy: "Sure! But remember to only take the recommended dosage, or else you'll end up unnaturally hairy... hang on..."

Mummy looks down to see that her child resembles something like a small bipedal ape.

Mummy: "Oh dear, who's been a cheeky little monkey!"

* - Note: Rosterthreadilookedatum only works with footballers of international quality. Do not use if allergic to bananas.

Matchday two scores up. (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=9475690#post9475690)

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquierer

Sports Section

Inside: Mysterious killings of several Lowland Clans reporters apparently football related

Milchama draws with Pedriana at home. Next game key

After an embarrasing 4-1 defeat with Turori on the road the Milchama Warriors needed a good result at home to silence the critics and to get confidence up for their next match agaisnt The Lowland Clans. Neither thing happened today after a dissapointing draw with Pedriana. Coach Fairbanks said "This was a bad game we should have won and I'm upset as you guys are about that. But this does not mean we cannot qualify this is only the second qualifying match, we still have 12 more matches to go where anything can happen. We do want to win but remember right now we're doing alright and if we can get a good result in our next then we have a lighter part of our schedule where we can easily help ourselves qualify."

Match Report:
The confident Warriors strode onto the pitch looking like they were expecting nothing short of victory against the Pedrianians. They played much of the first half this way running rings around the Pedrianan defense but barely ever finding chances to score. The Pedriana defense played well and valiantly stopping most crosses from Macnaturn and even trying to make a good counter attack now and again. Twice they cleared the ball off the line and just frusterated the Milchama attack. Of course they could not, despite their great defending, stop the goal from coming and come it did with a play that actually started in Pedriana's half. Striker D got off a shot that was saved easily by Koolerc. Koolerc then proceeded to throw the ball out to Brandon Callers who passed the ball wide to Darian Flinters who sprinted past two defenders before getting the ball to Marc J. Floren right outside the box. Floren, the all time leading goal scorer in MFL history, got around one defender before shooting the ball past the keeper into the net for the first goal of the match. The score at half time 1-0 Milchama.

The second half started out much like the first half with the Warriors dominating the possesion and the play. Another ball was cleared off the line in the 58th minute and Copperlee was denied by a brillaint save by the goalkeeper in the 67th minute. Unfortunately after the Copperlee strike Pedriana started to show some signs of attacking life getting two corners and shooting the ball just wide in the 75th minute. It was starting to look like a Milchama victory and Fairbanks put in reliable veteran Billy Timmons to sure up the defense and bring some veteran expierience in the squad. Timmons though could do nothing to stop the attack Pedriana had in the 85th minute. Midfielder Q had the ball and put a perfect ball foward to Midfielder W who crossed the ball into the middle to Striker D whose header hit the mark and the back of the net to ensure the draw.
Final Score
Milchama 1 (Floren 28)
Pedriana 1 (D 85)

John Carlson (JC): We welcome you to Hurfordia where the Warriors will be looking to take care of business and come away from this match with the three points they should earn. The Warriors began WC XXIV qualifying with a disappointing draw against Nobbsinia in the House of Prayer, where they looked a bit rusty in their first international competition since the time freeze. David, how do you expect the Warriors to play today?

David Tall (DT): I expect the Warriors are going to come out and play more aggressively than their new 4-4-2 formation suggests. They needed some time to get used to the new formation, which may have been an overlooked reason behind the opening draw.

Lisa Simonson (LS): I agree with you, David. It takes a little time to get used to playing a new formation, especially when you've played three WCs in a different formation. I don't know that the Warriors are going to be all that aggressive to start the match, they may try to use a counter-attack strategy, especially against a potent offense like Hurfordia's.

JC: That's an interesting point, Lisa. Hurfordia did manage a 2-2 draw with Oaker, the top ranked side in this group, in the opener. There's no question that Hurfordia can put the ball in the net. The question lies in can they do it against one of the best keepers in the world enough times to hold off the Warriors and pull out the upset.

DT: I don't think so, John. The Warriors are going to be hungry. They had numerous balls hits posts in the opener, so they very easily could have won that match four or five to one. If I were a betting man, I would say that more of those balls will end up in the net today and the Warriors will win easily.

LS: I don't think it's going to be as easy as David thinks. This game will be a defensive battle that will come down to which team can make the most of their chances. The Warriors should be able to pick up at least a point in this match, and very likely three.

JC: We'll be right back for the start of this match between the Warriors and Hurfordia...


**16th minute**

JC: This match has been a slugfest in the middle of the field so far and neither keeper has really been tested yet. Claire Paulson gains possession and passes to Christine Holly...Holly plays the ball up to Kevin Faith...Faith quickly slips a pass to his fiance Christa Nelson...Nelson dribbles past a defender and passes ahead to Kelly Carter...Carter brings the ball into the box...she shoots...the Hurfordian keeper makes a diving block, but doesn't catch the ball...and the bouncing ball goes straight to Thomas Larson...and he doesn't miss the now empty net...Larson SCORES!!! Thomas Larson on the rebound of the Kelly Carter shot gives the Warriors a 1-0 lead.

DT: Hurfordia just found out the hard way what happens when you don't mark quickly against the Warriors offense. Quick passes lead to good shots and goals, and Sarah Walker is a tough keeper to score on when she gets a lead, especially late in the match.

LS: That's the one consolation for Hurfordia in this situation, David. This is still early in the match, and Walker has been known to surrender one goal leads in the first half before. I will certainly agree that she becomes one of the toughest keepers in the world to score on with a lead in the last 20 minutes of a match, though.

**39th minute**

JC: Hurfordia has done a decent job of getting chances since giving up the goal to Thomas Larson in the 16th minute. However, Sarah Walker has been up to the task so far...Here comes Hurfordia with another chance...they play the ball into the box...a group of players leaps to grab it...Hurfordian striker Kevin Stimpson falls and HE PULLS WALKER DOWN WITH HIM...apperently the ref didn't see it, which leaves the net wide open...and Hurfordia capitalizes...Wayne Sargeant scores and the match is tied at 1-1.

DT: That ref had to be blind not to see the blatant foul on that goal. That ref must be from South Osettia not to see that foul, as we know that all South Osettian refs are blind when it comes to fouls committed against the Warriors. Somebody call the police the Warriors just got royally robbed on that play!

LS: All teams get robbed at times, but it's interesting to note how everytime the Warriors get robbed like that it's always around the net, and almost always leads to a goal for the opposition. There almost seems to be a conspiracy against the Warriors qualifying for the WC.

**70th minute**

JC: This match has settled into a defensive slugfest in the middle of the field since Hurfodia tied the match up late in the first half. Neither team has been able to take control of this match yet...Hurfordia brings the ball into the Warriors box...Stimpson shoots...diving save by Sarah Walker...Christine Holly picks up the loose ball and turns upfield...she spots Thomas Larson wide open around midfield and launches a pass in his direction...Holly led him perfectly...and now Larson has a breakaway...it's between Larson and Hurfordian keeper Steve Sedley...Sedley comes out to meet him...Larson flicks the ball just past him and slips around him and picks it up again with nobody between him and the net...Larson taps the ball in...HE SCORES!!! Larson's second goal of the match gives the Warriors a 2-1 lead. What happened on that play, David?

DT: It looks like the Hurfodian defense completely forgot about Larson when they got the chance to score, which left Larson all by himself, which you can't do when you play the Warriors. Larson is too good to miss a chance handed to him on a silver platter like that one was.

LS: Even more important, John. Look at the timing of the goal. It comes in the 70th minute, and Warriors keeper Sarah Walker becomes almost impossible to score on at this point in the match when she has a lead to protect. Hurfordia is in big trouble.

**90th minute**

JC: Hurfordia is hopelessly being outplayed by the Warriors, and they're hoping to get off the field only losing by the 2-1 score they're down by now...There's the ref's whistle, and the Warriors win 2-1. The Warriors certainly took care of business today, didn't they Lisa?

LS: That's right, John. Warriors fans may have been concerned for a while, but their team came through late and took control of the match. This was a much needed win for the Warriors.

DT: It certainly is a key win, Lisa. Especially when you consider that the Warriors have struggled on the road in their previous three WC appearances. It may not have been pretty, but the Warriors started playing like the Warriors the fans back home remember near the end of the match, which has to be a good sign to them. If the Warriors can keep up their strong play, they might be able to make some noise in this WC.

JC: That's all the time we have for today. Once again, the Warriors take care of business in Hurfodia. Winning by a score of 2-1. Join us next time as the Warriors continue their battle to qualify for the WC finals for the first time as they play host to Limbrogidlia. I'm John Carlson, and for David Tall and Lisa Simonson...Good night everybody.

PALADINS BATTLE TNUI TO STANDSTILL

Roars of 150,000 too much for 13th-ranked team in the world

NEW MONTREAL - The Paladins are back where they left off, putting the kibosh on teams much better than they are.

Frog's Academy, which has a stranglehold on the title "Best Side in the NMS" proved it yesterday, pulling off a draw against the best team in the group.

"Frankly, after our pathetic weak-ass efforts in Dushanbe two days ago, we needed to wake the fuck up and do something," said coach Jean-Rene Filon. "This was good, I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth here. We need to take this momentum and stick it up someone's bum tomorrow to climb back up the standings."

The game itself was a mostly defensive battle, as each side competed to see who could come up with the most spectacular tackles. Fullback Richard Lefevre was sent off with two yellow cards for the Paladins, the second on a beautiful judo flip inflicted on a Insaneian forward in the goal box, but the penalty shot for the second card went over the bar. Lefevre, with a pair of black eyes and a cut cheek, commented: "Some of those hits they were giving our fowards were just totally over the line, Maxime [Legardeur] looks like he ran into a bunch of those rioters. You can't expect us to not give a little back."

Ah yes, the rioters. After creating 90 minutes of non-stop cacophony in the newly renovated Paladin Dome, the NMS fans were overjoyed to get back to their favorite post-game pastime of rioting in the streets. Of the capacity crowd of 150,000 in the Paladin Dome it was estimated that maybe 35,000 took to the streets. The usual cars were overturned, storefronts broken and vandalized with patriotic graffitti, goalposts and nets stolen, and in one case a lineman's shirt was ripped off. 15 fans were sent to the hospital in an amorphous, rapidly congealing blob after they got the brilliant idea of overturning a cement mixer. About 40 other injuries were reported, but no deaths. New Montreal chief of police Gerald Pontferre stated: "We got off easy." Construction crews will be rebulding the neighborhoods around the Dome today and tomorrow, so expect traffic jams on and around the Dome expressway (see page 3 for details).

TODAY'S MATCH

Can't the Paladins catch a break? The Paladins travel to group leaders Spruitland for today's match. The Patriarch's Academy from New Montreal will be representing the Paladins. Coach Filon had this to say about the match during a practice with his squad for tonight: "Damn schedule. This will be a bitch, or would be if we used the same players every game. Still, when do we get to play an easy game?" He then set fire to a stuffed rabbit to psych
up his players.

GROUP 3 UPDATES

Spruitland has taken an undisputed lead with a 3-1 win over Lox Land Island. Shearer Heaven has delivered another shocking draw, this time a 0-0 performance against Tadjikistan. Lethislavania rebounded from their performance against Shearer Heaven with a solid 2-1 win over Taken Names. The Paladins are now in 5th place in the group.

OTHER TEAMS OF NOTE

Bedistan picked up another win yesterday, putting themselves at the head of their group. Rejistania beat fellow Orthodox nation The Archregimancy 3-0, giving us the spectacle of a Karela team leading the qualifiers in goals scored.

Stars snap back to form, 3-0

After a surprisingly hard-fought match that led some observers to suggest the Sarzonian national football team was beginning a steep decline from its rarified perch atop the world rankings, the Stars sent a reminder that they were still a team to be reckoned with by drubbing Chileany 3-0 away.

Forward Brian Wilson, midfielder Darwin Russell, and defender Mike Coyle all tickled the twine for the Stars and goalkeeper Horace Sandt had an easy go of it with two saves and the Stars took hold of second place in Region 8.

"We felt as though we didn't play our best football against Scorthona," Coach Dave Wilson said. "We had to prove that we could play the kind of football we need to play with Brazillico in the offing." Dave Wilson dismissed the notion the team would take the return of the once legendary side lightly, saying "they're still Brazillico. We're going to go out there with all the focus I expect us to have or heads are going to roll."

The Stars (2-0-0, six points) seemed to be on a mission to make Chileany's heads roll with the team winning possession after the opening kickoff and spending 10 of the game's first 12 minutes in the Chileani end of the pitch. Forward Barry Alphonso and Brian Wilson combined for five shots in the first 25 minutes of the match and it was Brian Wilson who finally broke the scoreless draw with a laser shot from 30 yards out.

"I wanted to make sure we either got a shot on or they'd have to start off with a set piece," Brian Wilson said. "I'm glad we got the goal in that sequence."

Sarzonia continued to apply pressure on the footballing novices and made that pressure pay off in the 38th minute courtesy of Russell. Alphonso drew two Chileani defenders to him in the box and left Russell unmarked. The Stars captain took full advantage of the lapse and made it 2-0.

Following the half, the Stars played like a team determined to bury their opponents and finally hit paydirt in the 82nd minute. Coyle, switching to midfield in a 4-5-1 formation after Alphonso came off, won a ball from a Chileani forward and chipped a shot over the goalkeeper for the game's final margin.

The Stars prepare to face a Brazillico team that once was one of the power teams of the football world, but is now looking up at the Stars. But the team is wary of Brazillico's past success and to a man, the Stars say that success will propel them to work as hard as ever in training.

"On any given matchday, anyone can win," Russell said. "But we consider [Brazillico] dangerous and we always will."

The first international match in the Progressair Stadium since the end of the civil war was a moment of intense national pride. The opponents may never have heard such noise before - at least, this would be true if they weren't Spaam, a team well used to playing in 120,000-seater stadia. And that's just when they have domestic cup matches against teams from the Third Division.

Obviously this meant the opponents were inspired and not scared, no surprise given the fact the Progressans had lost 5-0 in Rejistania. Sure enough, they took the lead in the 11th minute with a 25-yard piledriver that left Arista Hetujuk looking like the bad goalkeeper he probably is. The goalscorer was wearing a #10 shirt but remained anonymous - as did the whole team - due to fears over the safety of the team amid accusations of godmodding and overlong memories of Spaamgate. The Progressans were more worried about floodgates, in terms of being metaphorically opened by a second goal - and feared the worst when #10 popped up again with another wonder strike, this time from a curling free kick.

Fortunately, 17-year-old Chedar-Edma wunderkind Dodia Tiakosuv was on hand in the second half, having a goal disallowed for offside before lobbing the Spaamanian goalkeeper from 35 yards with as many minutes to go. No wonder the team retained their anonymity.

Still, organised defending meant the goalkeeper had little to do after that, and the Progressans were beaten again. The newbies await. Once, they were blood to be sucked mercilessly for the Progressans. Now, they represent teams that could provide a mighty humiliation.

2005-08-19

Bulls stomp the Sharks 2-1 in World Cup 24 action.
Mussorgsky scores header in the 87th minute to win it for Audioslavia.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - Audioslavia were angry, after their lost yesterday against Kurumada they were out for revenge and took it out on th PopularFreedom Sharks. Fans from all three sides, Audioslavia, plus both Raven and Shark supporters from PopularFreedom were all chanting like madmen during the match making the stands seem like more of a zoo than a stadium.

Audioslavia from the opening whistle took it too the Sharks pounding goaltender Jonan Restabull with shot after shot until during the 5th minute their forward Kristen Dvorak was able to redirect a Dietmar Mussorgsky centering kick into the corner for the first goal, silencing the Shark fans while sending the Audioslavia faithful into a frenzy.

The PopularFreedom Sharks were not going to just fade away however and on the following kickoff they started to take control of the game for the next few minutes as Audioslavia went into a defensive shell.

Sharks coach Dennis Viltacore would later comment that, 'they obviously did not do their homework on us as they would have seen we are primarily an offensive team'. As the Sharks started to launch shot after shot at Bulls goaltender Gabriel Celta they were unable to penetrate the net as he made many spectatular saves.

The Sharks attack though started to waver and around the 14th minute the Bulls were able to break from their zone with the ball. That is when midfielder Johan Jodoski, in his first international game for the Sharks took out Audioslavia forward Kristen Dvorak with a vicious slide tackle from in front. Dvorak left the game favouring his right leg just below his knee while Jodoski earned a yellow card for his actions and minutes later was yanked by coach Viltacore.

The incident however seemed to distract the Bulls players who then started to try and get even with the Sharks for the blatent Jodoski cheapshot. Sharks however focused on the game and were able to take advantage of some over eagerness on the part of the Bulls midfielders to play more physical after the Jodoski incident. At the 18th minute after a number of miscues William Welsh, who had been substituted in for Johan Jodoski a few minutes earlier found himself with the ball around three quarters of the way up the field near the right sideline. He put on the jets and wound his way around defenseman David Raven before crossing it over to Vincent Matthews who headed the cross into the open side tying up the game.

The Audioslavia crowd seemed stunned while the Shark fans started their familiar chant of, 'RIP 'EM TO SHREADS! GGGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOO SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRKKKKSSSSSSSSSS!'

The Audioslavia coach seem to settle his boys down after the goal though more than one Bulls player stared at Jodoski on the Sharks sidelines after the goal.

The game continued during the rest of the first half with not much in the way of action as the sky opened up and rain came down making for a sloppy affair.

In the second half both teams came out on full attack mode despite the rain. Near the 65th minute Shark midfielder Glen Owens found himself on a break heading towards the Audioslavia goal. He took a shot from just outside the box while the crowd gasped as his shot careened just right of the post and out of harms way.

As the 85th minute drew near the Audioslavia Bulls were starting to put full pressure on the Sharks when defenseman Aron Ceulemans was unable to corral a pass back to him. Shark midfielder William Welsh pounced on the ball and started to pull away from the other players on a break towards the goal. Sharks fan could be heard as they started to yell, 'GO GO GO GO GO GO', as Welsh ran down the field with the ball, Bulls players in full pursuit. Audioslavia goalie Gabriel Celta ran to meet the onrushing Shark at the edge of the box where Welsh shot a beautiful shot that arched over an outreaching Celta. The shot however clanged off the crossbar while Welsh could be seen screaming in agony.

The Bulls however quickly gathered up the ball. Ceulemans the first man back shot a long ball out to Audioslavia forward Danny McCosstessy who sped up the right side and past numerous Sharks who with the slick rain were unable to reverse their forward momentum quickly enough. McCosstessy continued up the right wing nearly to the goalline where he crossed the ball to a wide open Mussorgsky who headed in the go ahead goal.

The Audioslavia faithful, along with the PopularFreedom Raven fans broke out in celebration as the Shark fans were dimmed to a deathly silence.

The Sharks tried to recover on the ensuing start though the whistle blew 4 minutes later and the game was done.

Final score Audioslavia 2, PopularFreedom 1

2005-08-19

Rumours confirmed! Entire Shark squad to be available for Bedistan match tomorrow.
Coach Dennis Viltacore makes announcement at post Audioslavia game (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9476771&postcount=140) news conference

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - It did not take long for Viltacore to announce tomorrow's line up. After today's heartbreak against Audioslavia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9476771&postcount=140) the coach announced at the post game conference that after the quarterfinals match today in the Heartland tournament that the entire squad will fly in to play tomorrow against Bedistan.

Viltacore noted, 'We are not doing any services to ourselves by playing a split squad, therefore no more, unless we have another game on the same day'.

Meanwhile in related news when asked about the Johan Jodoski incident, where the 19 year old took out Audioslavia forward Kristen Dvorak, Viltacore commented that, 'Jodoski has been sent home and will be dealt an appropriate punishment by those in charge of organizing a team for international play representing PopularFreedom'.

The Audioslavia press who seemed angry at the incident seemed to back down from their hostility at this statement while Viltacore was questioned further by PopularFreedom media on the suspension. Viltacore noted that, 'you have to realize that the slide tackle was not needed, that Dvorak was the goal scorer for Audioslavia, and that Jodoski has not matured yet as we expected and therefore despite his abilities we must send him home. Besides, in my view that should have been a red card. I will not allow him to do that again, as a red card would leave us short and that would have hurt our team a great deal more.'

When pressed further on the incident, in light of the fact that Dvorak seems to be okay for tomorrow, despite being out for the remainder of the game today, an angry Viltacore got up and left the news conference. Moments later Jodoski was seen with armed guards leaving the stadium in a vehicle apparently headed for the international airport. We will bring you more information on this event as it becomes available.

Nolan hattrick leads Vikings in 5-0 rout over Naleloospalakintula

After starting off slow in their first qualifying matchup, Mike Nolan had his own plans to get the high scoring team into gear. He scored two goals in the first 10 minutes of the match, and added one more at the end to score his fifth international hattrick and lead the Vikings to a 5-0 over Naleloospalakintula at the packed Valli the Basin Stedia.

Fully rested and coffeed up, Fmjphoenix came out ready to play football. Right form the get go, the Vikings meant business. In the third minue, Nolan streaked down the right side of the field and recieved a pass from Larry Brown in stride. Nolan never even slowed down and just fired from about 15 feet out and deposited the ball in the left corner of the goal just past Store Nalel for a 1-0 lead. Then barely 5 minutes later, Nolan was back in the box for a head to head against Store, and a quick fake left and a chip shot ended up going just over Store for a 2-0 lead. But the Vikings were nor done scoring this half. Terrence McAllister, coming in for the hurt Shelly Berry would score on a penelty kick in the 30th minute, after an intentional trip by Point Nalel brought Berry down on her arm wrong, McAllister came in and took the shot for her, putting it past Store again for a 3-0 lead. It took them the better part of the first half, but Naleloospalakintula finally managed to get a shot off, but Crank Nalel's shot went right into the arms of Powell Lamar. It was the first and only shot of the half that Naleloospalakintula managed to get off in the first half.

Naleloospalakintula looked ready to fight in the second half, coming right out with 3 shot attempts, but they were each deflected away, the last on an amazing slide that Lamar kicked out to Bobby Bash. In the 65th minute, Eli Grimm scored his first goal of the qualifiers, coming up on from the wing and taking a cross from Jason Mitchell before launghing the ball 20 feet from the left just into the upper-right corner of the goal for an 4-0 lead. With the demanding control that the Vikings were taking in the match, Naleloospalakintula just could not get anything into motion. They managed only one more shot, but it sailed well over the crossbar in no danger of scoring. And as it was mentioned earlier, Nolan sealed the match shut, with a last minute strike in the 88th minute, as the Vikings kept coming up and finally Nolan managed to get it in past Store for a 5-0 lead. Naleloospalakintula did not manage to get close enough for any type of shot in the final minutes and were stuck being shut out by the high scoring Vikings.

Fmjphoenix: 5 - Naleloospalakintula: 0
Nolan 3, 5, 88, McAllister 30, Grimm 65 - None

Fmjphoenix Goal Scorers:
Nolan 4
Daniels 1
McAllister 1
Grimm 1

Fmjphoenix's World Cup 24 Qualification:
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Geisenfried Draw 2-2
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ Naleoospalakintula Win 5-0
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Prince Aidan
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Tallionis
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Starblaydia
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Harlesburg
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Louvisa
---------------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Geisenfried
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs Naleoospalakintula
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Prince Aidan
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Tallionis
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Starblaydia
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Harlesburg
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Louvisa
Record: 1-1-0

Starblaydia Taking The Piss
T'was drunked Druidan refs, more like

Young'uns and old boys are not really the way to cruise a top class nation into the World Cup 24 Finals, but Starblaydia tried it today against Geisenfried, who they first heard of when putting their Qualifying fixture-list together.

Giovanni Lopez rescued Starblaydi blushes - slightly - by taking his senior international goal tally to three, his first in World Cup Qualifying. Before that, however, Starblaydia managed to conceed their first goal of this Cup's Qualifying. Unfortunately we cannot report the name of the Geisenfried goalscorer as no team sheet was provided, the lettering on the players' shirts was really illegible, and our binoculars were cracked.

We can, however, tell you he was approximately 5 feet 11 inches tall, of medium build with dark hair and no distinguishing marks visible from the press box in the stadium.

"Of course this is a disappointment," Lazerevski said without having to consult his spellchecker, "not winning against an opponent like this is a blot on our copybook. We'll obviously try to get a scoreline against Naleloospalakintula in our next match similar to what the Vikings managed today."

Final Score from Geisenfried:
Geisenfried 1 - 1 Starblaydia
(Unnamed 22) - (G Lopez 42)

Kodiak Daily Rabbler
Home to some rabbling for National Pride

Kodiaks Stumble, Drop 1-0 Game
Slides to 5th As Coach Plans Moving Starters Back

A two-game break for the major stars and Chicanadan Internationals will be ending in Eastentown tommorow after the Kodiak National Squad dropped a 1-0 decision to unherald Nobbsinia to put a dent in their current World Cup campaign.

The lone goal came off a penalty shot that ended up passing Raslan Seregn in the upper left corner in the final minute of action. The Kodiak squad once again rested several major names in order to better prepare them for their back-loaded schedule. But considering their lackluster play, female striker Olani Pjan played in her first international for the senior squad, becomming the first female to play for the BlueRedGold in any setting. The WFC Esten star was unable to capitalize on two poorly-played crosses by the Nobbsinian side as did other Kodiaks.

Team Captain Jude Westington, who was dressed as a sub but did not play, said the performance was "absymal considering that we need to win against the lower-ranked opponents if we want to make it to the Finals again." Westington will make his 60th international start (a team record) when the Kodiaks come home to face Hurfordia in an important match - at least for the team's confidence.

Kodiaks XXIV World Cup Schedule
MD01: The South Packerlands [W 2-1]
MD02: @ Nobbsinia [L 0-1]
MD03: Hurfordia [at Easten National Arena]
MD04: @ Limbrogidlia
MD05: Praying2God [at Southampton National Square]
MD06: @ Cockbill Street
MD07: @ Oaker
MD08: @ The South Packerlands
MD09: Nobbsinia [at Stadia Lia, Acadia]
MD10: @ Hurfordia
MD11: Limbrogidlia [at Cananite Pavillion, Paradiso]
MD12: @ Praying2God
MD13: Cockbill Street [at Southampton National Square]
MD14: Oaker [at Grand Douala Palazia Centre]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: Well, what are we waiting for? Start rabbling, damn it! It's the best way to get our Kodiaks ready to play!

The CFA announces today that all staff will be rabbling throughout the remaining campaign, as they hope to see their beloved footy team make it to the finals yet again. And rabbleing is just fun and easy to do!

Is 2-0 The Unlucky Score for the Yaforites?

It certainly seems like it. Of course, when you start your first ever World Cup qualifying campaign and you are facing the tenth and twenty-sixth ranked teams in the world (with you being ranked 138th) it is very unlikely that you will, indeed, win. Yes, that is what happened to the Yaforites, losing two-nil in both of their games.

The first game was not the interesting. Five Civilized Nations, the twenty-sixth ranked team in the world and a veritable football powerhouse, on of the teams that is consistantly in the top thirty-two in the world, and is not in Atlantian Oceania, was their opponent. As mentioned before, the game was uninteresting, with Five Civilized Nations scoring in the 24th and 53rd minutes. There was only one Yaforite shot on target and that was easily scooped up.

The second game was fairly interesting, however. One Red Dot, another football powerhouse not in Atlantian Oceania and tenth in the world, (what's up with these non-Atlantian 3 word teams?) was their opponent. Throughout the First Half, there was no real chances. Closer into the second, in the 56th minuted, ORD scored. Then Yafor 2 had a chance wasted by Damien Dulars, who had an easy shot on goal and mis-timed his shot, almost twisting his ankle. Following that, Yafor 2 went on a run of eleven shots on target, all of which were saved, most easily, but one, by Striker Malar, was an incredible diving stop. Had Yafor 2 managed to score on one of the aforementioned chances, the game might had been different. The second ORD goal was in the 87th minute.

-Excerpt from The Ajerite Sun.

Pschychoes Looking Good

Squornshelous defeats Trianland in Matchday Two
The Pschychoes played a tough game against first time team Trianland. It was a lot closer than expected, with the Pschychoes struggling to get good scoring chances, and nearly giving up goals themselves. Good recovery plays by the defense and a few very nice saves by Jorge Fernandina prevented any goals though. The only goal of the match was scored by Franz Persson at 34 minutes. Franz managed to recieve ne of the only through balls to pass through the Trianland defense through the whole match, and he made the most of it. The ball flew off his foot into the top corner of the net, leaving the Trian keeper standing.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 1-0 Trianland

Group 9 Standings after Matchday 2:

Group 9 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Squornshelous 2 2 0 0 3 0 6 +3
EL CID THE HERO 2 2 0 0 3 1 6 +2
Nedalia 2 2 0 0 3 1 6 +2
Oliverry 2 1 0 1 3 2 3 +1
Tonissia 2 1 0 1 1 2 3 -1
Palixia 2 0 0 2 1 3 0 -1
Trianland 2 0 0 2 0 2 0 -1
Groba 2 0 0 2 2 5 0 -2


Squornshelous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins draws losses
Matchday 1: Squornshelous 2-0 Tonissia
Matchday 2: Trianland 0-1 Squornshelous
Matchday 3: Squornshelous v Palixia
Matchday 4: Groba v Squornshelous
Matchday 5: Squornshelous v EL CID THE HERO
Matchday 6: Squornshelous v Oliverry
Matchday 7: Squornshelous v Nedalia
Matchday 8: Tonissia v Squornshelous
Matchday 9: Squornshelous v Trianland
Matchday 10: Palixia v Squornshelous
Matchday 11: Squornshelous v Groba
Matchday 12: EL CID THE HERO v Squornshelous
Matchday 13: Oliverry v Squornshelous
Matchday 14: Nedalia v Squornshelous

Casari4Sport

First Victory for the Confeds in World Cup Thanks to Sonaron
Victory met with interesting mixup on Tables

Coach Tim Bridges proudly brandished the following clipping from the offical Group Five Standings:

Group 5 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Five Civilized Nations 2 2 0 0 5 0 6 +5
One Red Dot 2 2 0 0 4 0 6 +4
Kipto-Mare 2 2 0 0 5 3 6 +2
Sonaron 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
Casari 2 0 1 1 1 2 3 -1
Greecedonia 2 0 0 2 2 4 0 -2
Nanakaland 2 0 0 2 2 6 0 -4
Yafor 2 2 0 0 2 0 4 0 -4

"We're proud to be the first ever team to draw against ourselves." He stated among laughs in Casari's second favorite sport, the press confrence.

Victory came at the hands of 48 seed Sonaron.

Crowds were large in Revolution Square outside Tyrellian National Stadium be 1:00, and the chants and cheers were audiable all through town. At 4:30, the team bus arrived, and the members, lead by captain and team elder statesman Alex Pilot of Leyton, and top scorer Andy Ronalo of Tyrellian International, filed out in front of the old redbrick and marble stadium to the proud and defiant roar of the fans.

The gates opened and 5, and the fans filed into the stadium, followed by the Sonaron away fans, into their own end, where they became the recipients of two hours of loud and vulgar chanting.

The game had a start time of 7, which means that after the national anthems, team intros, and cleaning the field of projectiles, it was fully 7:15 by the time the game started.

LW LS RS RW
29 44 3 13
Shihairi Ronalo Saienz Pilot

LM CM RM
98 15 97
Capelli Larini Romi

LB CB RB
18 57 10
Letra Novena MacLellan

GK
34
Rooney

Subs:
GK 1 William
D 11 Oliver
D 21 Nelson
M 6 Stanton
F 9 Newberry

Casari lined up in their new 3-3-4 formation, and the pressure was light in the first 30 minutes. After that, Casari started to push into the Sonaran zone. In the 43rd minute, a Ronalo corner flew perfectly to Saienz, who scored on the header near the far post. The half ended with the score 1-0.

The second half was a major defensive action by Casari, as the Sonaron offense tried to equalize. Several questionable tackles by the defensive trio of Letra, MacLellan, and Novena saved the day, and the substitutions of Nelson and Stanton at the 65th minute shut the door and lead the Confeds to their first World Cup win.

"We're very happy and very encouraged by this win over our hightly rated competition in Group 5. But we've proven that we're not minnows in the pond. Maybe just Sunfish, but definately not minnows." Manager Vivica Hill said. "We'll see you in Kipto-Mare!"

3:0 in the Land of Dreaming

This match was not like the others... the team went to the dreamt realm of the Archregimancy and that means, that they had to travel through a gate, created in the Estadije Sike Veran. Even though it was suggested that the normal national stadium, the Estadije Ines Karela Lines, should be used, the nantilik~hatan and nantikansuan delegates of the ASR protested and preferred this central location in the middle of nowhere (Sike, is the capital city of Rejistania, located in the exact geographical center, but it is also the smallest city). The Archregimancy is from what the players and fans saw a dull nation, no sex, drugs and kiijae-music. Rejistanians might appear to be a paranoid sort of people, who often think they should better be careful, but they know what fun means. The temple has ordered the fans to be quiet during the holy mass, the Orthodox monks insited on celebrating before the match. The Karelan monks asked the fans to use the time to pray to Karela but quiet in order not to be considered hooligans.

Eventually, the match started. The Archregimancy played an "orthodox" 4-4-2 and the Orange-Blues a "karelan" 6-3-1. No surprises here. The Hexatux could not be run in the Archregimancy and so a cable runs through the pppportal into the physical reality, through which an aide morses the codes of the Hexatux and Siki Rej morses his replies. Yes, the monks from both sides were not pleased about this solution, but the Orange-Blues depend on their math-logical coach. maybe it was a mistake that Siki Rej explained his position himself: A normal person would have said: "I am the assistent of Hexatux" Siki Rej of course said something like: "I am the Level 7* in the Hexatux-communication." His girlfriend had to explain what he meant by this.

Again Linux Raju played as starter for the Orange-Blues. The monks had a certain advantage in the beginning due to being used to standing so long before the match eventually starts. The monks had therefore many chances, but the Rejistanian defense was present and could prevent the chances to be capitalized. Every chance the Archregimancy had was commented by shouts about the financial situation or about the intelligence of the opponents. Nothing of it was heretical because the rejistani fans often have only a faint idea who this 'God' is, it was just normal rejistanian cussing. To explain what rejistanians consider normal: In international broadcasts a part of the national anthem chanted by the rejistanian fans is bleeped out because the international listeners might feel offended.
The fans from the archregimancy surely did as soon as they figured out what "selme" and "mer'slani altenany tekne" means. Cussing is prohibited by their religion. The archregimancan players, who felt insulted were of course prohibited by their religion to reply with selected expletives. When the Rejistanians went ahead in the 48th minute in a counter-attack and rejistanian fans chanted the questionable part of the national anthem, the monks tried to fight back strategically: They tried via chants to convert the rejistanians to their orthodox christianity. The Rejistanians were not as organized but after a while, chants including much "mer'slani" and "selme" were chanted to the opposition. After Seneteramanasiri "SeKa" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu increased the lead in another counter-attack, the rejistanians started religous chants themselves: "Tadere-altena-kansa, xen'sikua il! Tesha'jet!".
In the 85th minute, winger Sink~hil Syku scored the last goal in this match in a counter after a corner kick for the Archregimancy.

Also after the match, archregimancan fans tried to convert the rejistanis who were just on their way to get really drunk and celebrate the victory, so they did not really care.

*in the ISO/OSI-model it's the presentation layer.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt

Halfwit Helmut's 'Slaves Scrape Through
Less-Awful Formation Used, Popular Freedom Narrowly Beaten

In Helmut Vilkaous' defence, he responded to criticism about the infamous and impossible 2-2-2-2-2 system by resorting to a more traditional formation. Although Audioslavia have never played 4-3-3 (4-4-2 and 3-5-2 are the usual 'slave staples), it at least put players in their correct positions. The only notable absentees were the two talented left-wingers Kelly Torrini and Nikki Polsson, both replaced on the left by the controversial mainly Vilitan number 23 Kabaofo Alanila.

However, Hellstrom was back in the side and, flanked by McCosstessey and Dvorak, it made Audioslavia look at least credible in attack. This attacking credibility turned into true value as early as the fifth minute. Alanila surprised his marker Johan Jodoski, as well as the Audioslavian faithful who weren't sure if Alanila could kick a ball or not, with a clever flick and a burst of lightening pace which sent him down to the left-hand by-line. He checked back and played the ball beautifully on for Mussorgsky who was chasing in support. A first-time pinged ball into the box found Dvorak waiting at the far post, and the forward pounded the ball past Restabull into the bottom corner with a bullet header.

Traditionally, when the 'slaves go one-up against an un-ranked side, they generally go looking for a second. This however, is not the case for 'Vilkaous the Vilitan Vanker'. Audioslavia were encouraged to drop back, with Dvorak and McCosstessey being coaxed into the wide positions and, of course, out of position. Not that this mattered one jot as the Popular Freedom side recognised the shift in style and went on the attack. Gabe Celta had to make two split-second saves from Walters and Matthews respectively after Walters hit a hard shot from twenty-yards which Celta could only parry. Matthews followed up quicker than any of the 'slave defenders and was unlucky to see his shot deflected off Celta's ankle and past the post. It was a let-off for Audioslavia in every sense of the word; they would have to push up and play the game in midfield rather than defence. Of course, that was my opinion at that time. Vilkaous knows better apparently.

Nevertheless, Audioslavia dropped back enough to lure the Freedom defenders forward enough to make the succeptible to counter-attacks. This happened on the twelfth minute as a Ceulemans clearence found Alanila on the left. Alanila played the ball on for Dvorak who went to knock the ball past Popular Freedom midfielder Johan Jodoski but was up-ended by a tackle that was both late and disgusting. Dvorak was unable to carry on and was helped off the field by Mussorgsky and two sporting Popular Freedom players Glen Owens and Kevin Andrews. Dvorak was replaced by winger Nikki Polsson, while Jodoski wasn't even carded, but recieved his comuppance from the Pop. Freedom manager who pulled him off as soon as possible, replacing him with number ninety-eight William Welsh.

As well as being more of a football and less of a boxer than Jodoski, Welsh was infintely more succesful in disrupting Audioslavia's midfield play, getting the measure of Alanila and stopping the tricky Vilitaslavian from getting too much room. He did however, appear to be a toothless animal in attack as he failed once or twice to deliver crosses of any harm to the defence. This changed on twenty minutes in spectacular fashion. Recieving the ball from Stevens on the right-wing, he flicked and tricked his way past Raven and got to the by-line, playing a world-class cross straight onto the head of Vinnie Matthews who wasted no time in flicking it expertly into the top corner past a flailing Celta.

The capacity crowd went into a frenzy as the Popular Freedom players ran up to them to celebrate. The 'slaves heads went down, and despite Vilkaous' attempts, they did not come up until half-time as Popular Freedom went for another goal. Only Gabriel Celta's resoloute and heroic goalkeeping stopped that from happening, and Audioslavia went into the dressing room looking merely pained and tired next to the Pop. Freedom players' smiles and determined faces.

The half-time interval then showed just what a state Vilkaous' Audioslavia side are in. Vilkaous is reknowned in Vilita for being the sort of coach that can lift and inspire a team, but his failure to control, or get respect from, the 'slaves was proved if reports from the tunnel are correct. Upon seeing substituted Popular Freedom midfielder Johan Jodoski walk down the tunnel laughing and joking with a team-mate, Jan-Arne Hellstrom hurled abuse at the player who had injured his friend Kristen Dvorak earlier, even going so far as to threaten him. He was quickly restrained by team-mates and the odd Popular Freedom player before being ordered into the dressing room by Vilkaous. Hellstrom declined and walked back up the tunnel to the enterance, where he was seen conversing with a couple of match officials. He did not start the second half and was replaced by Michael Brondby.

Audioslavia's second half performance reeked of a team that was disillusioned. Popular Freedom had the monopoly of posession as the 'slaves dropped back into defensive positions, at some points having all eleven players in and around their own penalty area. The play was negative enough to recieve booing from the few Audioslavians in audience as they started chanting 'Helmut Out! Helmut Out!' and 'Vilk Off, Vilk Off Vilk Off Fuckmut!'.

In situations like this where nothing is going right, you don't respect the person in charge, its raining cats and dogs and you're under the pressure that Popular Freedom were putting Audioslavia under, that you rely on nothing but your instinct. The instinct of Audioslavian footballers is, and has been for decades, believing that you'll get a break. The famous counter-attacking teams of the Jensen, O`Malley, Branson years, and the Bracken, Jansen and Marriot teams of World Cups eighteen and nineteen, needed to be summoned if the 'slaves were going to get out of the mess they were in now. Popular Freedom were taking the game to the 'slaves in ways that no team had since the 'slaves were on top of the world. Glen Owens had snapped a shot over the bar where if only he'd have carried on into the vacant space ahead of him he might have had a better chance of scoring, while William Welsh carried on making a name for himself with an energetic run which saw him get past Yevgeny Smashnov, beautifully flick the ball over the on-rushing keeper, but see his shot rebound off the cross bar when the world thought it was a certain goal. It was at this point where the 'slaves managed to get their elusive counter-attack.

Whether Ceulemans clearance was an aimless hoof, or an immaculate long-range pass to Danny McCostessey, is unclear, but either way it sent McCosstessey charging down the right hand side at blistering speed. He beat two players for sheer speed down that right side line before checking back and trying to dummy the full-back again while Brondby, Mussorgsky and Alanila charged into the box for support. McCosstessey's first cross was charged down, but he quickly hooked over another which eluded both Julieson and Brondby, but Dietmar Mussorgsky was on hand to finish past Restabull for the winner.

The goal initiated cheers from the Audioslavian kind, but not the rapturous reception that usually accompanies last-gasp winners. That could possibly be due to Vilkaous' excited pogo-ing on the sidelines, and the 'slaves fans couldn't bring themselves - quite yet - to do something that Vilkaous does.

Popular Freedom summoned all the strength they could to get back into the game but the 'slaves held firm and finished as narrow and, some might say, undeserved winners.

FINAL SCORE
POPULAR FREEDOM 1 (Matthews 20)
AUDIOSLAVIA 2 (Dvorak 5, Mussorgsky 87)

-----------------------------

attn: This is an RP continued from the Pre-Cup, and also includes some references to past RPs & Characters, as well as the possible to chain off into new RP's for just about any nation out there, so please, if you wish enjoy the read and feel free to continue or contribute. Thanks!

ps: If it completely sucks then just ignore me and make fun of me in IRC : P

-----------------------------


http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/ttov.gif





A little sunny day in Vilita at the headquarters of the Vilitan FA... (Since it's in a damn building it really doesn't matter that it's sunny)


-----------------------'So, Rory, what do you think we should do about this whole manager situation?' operating director Elekim Cairns, a supporter of the reign of Helmut Vilkaous brought up the touchy subject with his superior, former Vilitan goalkeeper and Football Association director Rory Issah. 'Well Kimmy, I've actually just been thinking that. See, I've already got this stack of applications on my desk, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how am I supposed to know which one of these guys is going to be a better manager for our nation?' Issah picked up his coffee but quickly spit it out after the first sip, too cold for his liking and he chucked it quickly into the garbage. 'Well who has applied for the position already?' Cairns continued.

-----------------------Issah gave cairns the 'one second' look and turned back into his office, returning with a stack of manilla envelopes. "Well, lets have a look here. First one to apply was Baron O'Toole. He's probably a decent choice because he's not contracted to any club team right now. But then again, you have to remember the fall of Marine Coast United, I mean sure he was great with the Jungle Kitties back when he coached for them, but perhaps there is a reason no one wants to sign him at the current time. But again, how do we know if we don't see him in action?" Cairns noddingly agreed with his superior and urged him to continue. "Alright, next up we've got Sime-Simo-Simi-However the hell he wants that name pronounced Di Bradini." Cairns Interuppted "Ah, that Starblaydi chap that's got Kiiarana bouncing up and down like a pin ball?" "Aye" Issah continued, "He's got quite a reputation though, and it could be good for merchandising, I mean, maybe we'll have to deal with a bit of an uprising for a few days, but if he performs well we could gain half the Starblaydian demographic, we'll see."

-----------------------Elekim Cairns stood motionless for near up to a minute as Issah fiddled with the stacks of folders. "Well then, who else is there?" Issah looked up slightly abashed, and looked to speak, then stopped, then spoke again. "Well, I don't think many people understand that when we say Vilkaous was sacked, we really meant it. Well, see here i have Massimo Corsi's application on file, but he sent it in three cups ago and hasn't made contact since, so I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it." Cairns looked dejected, he had propped his arm back on the desk behind him in the perfect position where it was supportive yet did not cause him to lose circulation in the arm or buttocks, so rare is such a feat that Cairns wanted to continue the conversation so as not to waste the position. "Well, have we thought of asking other managers to apply for the role? What about Santo Kecker? He just led the AOCAF team to first place in the last regional competition over in Cockbill Street, surely he knows the squad well and would be a good choice?" Issah contemplated the thought for a few moments. "Well sure, he would seem to be the obvious choice, wouldn't he. Then again, It's not like back in the day where we knocked off Starblaydia and the like on the way to the title, Kecker led the squad past Nedalia and Hypocria... and that was that, for some reason they passed out the medals after the win over Hypocria, it was weird. But you are right, we should definately see if he's interested anyway."

-----------------------The conversation hadn't lasted long enough for Elekim to be sufficiently pleased by the position comfort to conversation ratio, so he quickly tried to think of someone else they could discuss before Rory had gotten the door to his office shut. Racing through his mind were names like Branson, Sergei Korolev... Korolev, wow, what about him Cairns thought. Korolev led Squornshelous to third place in World Cup 20 but, Cairns remembered, he just retired. It would probably take a lot to get him interested. How about that Oaker, they did make i... no. Elekim looked in surprise as his own hand landed upon his face. It seemed to be beneficial however, as the odd moment caught the attention of Issah, who turned around. "Is everything alright, kimmy?"

-----------------------"Well I was just thinking, what would you think about.... about..." Elekim stumbled upon his words, still trying to find a way to continue the conversation. "About what, kimmy?" Elekim knew he had to come up with something on the spot so he didnt look like a complete idiot. "Well... What do you think if... instead of picking a new manager we give all the guys a shot at managing and whoever does the best gets the job?" Good job not sounding like a complete idiot, Cairns thought as he heard the words that had just dripped out of his mouth. He tried to quickly think of something that could possible explain what he just said, but then, Issah opened his mouth. "Bold, kimmy, very bold. You know, that just might work. But we're going to need some more applicants. We can't very well make a decision between a bunch of guys that have never managed a national team before, If this thing is going public there will have to be some big names out there. Go get them, kimmy, don't worry about the first match, I'll lead the lads out for that one."

-----------------------Elekim, now secure enough to move from his position, returned to his desk. Taking out a copy of the Vilitan World Cup 24 Qualifying schedule, he started making marks on the page. He crossed off the first match against Elrich, and then started bracketing matches in pairs of two, before he started talking to himself. "Alright so each of these guys will get two matches to prove themselves. Rory will take the team out against Elrich, then we'll start with the trials. Baron's been sitting on his butt for a while, so he'll be ready to go. He can take the reigns for the matches against Liampolis Liamton and Righteous Beliefs. Then, lets see..."



Rory Issah
Vilita - Marine Coast United
Elrich



Baron O'Toole
Vilita - Former Marine Coast United & Vilitan Under-21's
Under 21 World Cup 7 Championship
@ Liampolis-Liamton; The Jam Doughnut



Santo Kecker
Vilita - Strike FC
AOCAF IX Championship
@ Righteous Beliefs; Svecia

-----------------------After assigning the match at Righteous Beliefs and the important home match against Svecia to Santo Kecker, in the hopes that the regional championship winning coach would accept his invitation, Cairns decided to skip over a bracket before allocating a slot for Starblaydian Di Bradini. "Man I really don't want this purple prat getting the job" Cairns blurted out loud as he worked out the formations in his head. "Even if he does win against Elrich and Liampolis-Liamton, no one's going to take it seriously. The only hope he has is getting laughed all the way back to his purple homeland if he should fail."


@ Oglethorpia; Hockey Canada


Simeone Di Bradini
Starblaydia - Kiiarana City
@ Elrich; Liamapolis-Liamton


@ The Jam Doughnut; Righteous Beliefs


@ Svecia; Oglethorpia


@ Hockey Canada


-----------------------"Wow, this worked out nice" Cairns thought as he looked at the remaining match couples on his sheet. "So now, depending on how many coaches I can find on such short notice, I can either allocate the games against the Jam Doughnut and Righteous Beliefs to one guy, and the not so inviting couple of Svecia and Oglethorpia to some shlum who we don't like. Maybe I'll invite that annoying fellow Doug Freech. Nah, I can't do that to the fans. Perhaps the last three matches can be for the winner, whoever is chosen as manager will take control for those matches to get ready for the finals. Yea, that's it... perhaps." Elekim put the paper in an envelope, and logged over to his computer. Opening up a list of names and numbers, he picked up the phone. A few rings later, there was a response, and Cairns answered. "Hello! Mr. Korolev, how is the retired life treating you?....Yes, this is Elekim Cairns on beh...."

Two matches in and the Insanicians are sitting pretty in second.

TnUI vs LLI

The Lox Land Islanderianotrons were up first. While the match wasn't a walk over, as expected, it was still a relatively easy match with Mark Famalaalinglong netting both goals in the first half.

NMS vs TnUI

A dark cloud covered the whole of New Montreal States, you could feel the evil karelan energy pulsating from it. A nil-nil draw was inevitable. The Staticidohicadodranians celebrating the draw against an obviously superior side.

MD1
Total n Utter Insanity 2 - 1 Lox Land Island
Tadjikistan 3 - 1 New Montreal States
Spruitland 2 - 1 Taken Names

MD2
Lox Land Island 1 - 3 Spruitland
New Montreal States 0 - 0 Total n Utter Insanity
Taken Names 1 - 2 Lethislavania

Group 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
Spruitland 2 2 0 0 5 2 +3 6
Total n Utter Insanity 2 1 1 0 2 1 +1 4
Tadjikistan 1 1 0 0 3 1 +2 3
Lethislavania 1 1 0 0 2 1 +1 3
New Montreal States 2 0 1 1 1 3 -2 1
Lox Land Island 2 0 0 2 2 5 -3 0
Taken Names 2 0 0 2 2 4 -2 0

William's computer was showing www.bullsonparade.aud, and liked what he saw.

Group 11 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Bedistan 2 2 0 0 5 0 6 +5
Kericia 2 1 1 0 5 3 4 +2
Bettia 2 1 1 0 4 2 4 +2
Audioslavia 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
Kurumada 2 1 0 1 1 2 3 -1
PopularFreedom 2 0 1 0 2 3 1 -1
San-Lorenzo 2 0 1 1 2 5 1 -3
Viszonia 2 0 0 2 2 6 0 -4

"That idiot Vilitan" he thought. "The 'slaves are gonna get stuffed by Vilita and Bettia at this rate, and probably hammered four-nil by San Lorenzo". He smiled like the grinch that stole Warnocks Wizards. If Audioslavia continue to fuck up, then he'll have an excuse to end Vilkaous's contract. The contract stated that Vilk would be employed for fourteen games, and the world cup if Audioslavia qualified. However, William was sure he could get a judge to ratify the contract being torn up if Vilkaous couldn't turn things around. As long as that didn't happen, he could have that fucking Vilitan out in just a few months, and replaced with a decent enough Audioslavian that could scrape qualification for Audioslavia. After all, they'd done it before in World Cup 9. They lost or drew most of the games in the first half of qualifying, before going on a huge winning streak and coming second. This team is, statistically, just as good as that one, so why couldn't that happen again?

Just as he was day-dreaming about throwing Vilkaous out of the Soundgardian National Arena by catapulting him over the stands, his pc bleeped. He had mail.

TO: wbranstone2@afa.aud
FROM: jleaver@afa.aud

G'day William. It looks like Dvorak's injury is more severe than we though. Fatherham F.C. have told us that he's having an operation to fix the knee-joint. He'll be out for a good few months. Sorry man, Jake

P.S. The other guy has been sent home, the Johan guy in the Popular Freedom side. He won't be playing again apparently.

<end of message>

William looked at the screen feeling slightly sore. He liked Dvorak, he was a good player and he didn't want him to be inj... hey, he had another message. From... from Vilkaous?

TO: wbranstone2@afa.aud
FROM: hwankus@afa.aud

Hello sir. I'd like to ask you a question. Jan-Arne Hellstrom walked out on me during the last game. He's pissed off or something because i left him out of the first game. Either way, i didn't let him play the second half. Do you think i should let him play in the next game? Or at all? Thankyou.

P.S. Have you got round to chaning my email address yet? It still says 'hwankus' instead of 'hvilkaous'. Thankyou

<end of message>

That grinch smile was back. William was pondering evil things. He started typing.

TO: hwankus@afa.aud
FROM: wbranstone2@afa.aud

I'd drop him and castigate him in the press for walking out.

And i'm still looking into your email address problem. I can assure you that it isn't my fault that your name is 'Wankus'. Honestly.

<SEND>

"Brilliant" William thought. "If he goes to the press and rips it out of Jan Arne Hellstrom then the press will never forgive him. Neither will the fans. Everybody loves Hellstrom. Mwuhahaha!

to be continued, of course...

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Wabbits defeat Islandlanders

Lox Land Island – Spruitland: 1 – 3

Spruitland’s Group 3 opponents are all teams they have never played before, but Lox Land Island is the one team in the group we know a little better than the others, if only because they recently spent a few weeks in our nation playing the Baptism of Fire tournament.

Granted, not all that many Spruitlanders were actually present at the Lox Land matches, and the tv-audience was more interested in watching Beat up the Burglar-reruns than the footballing baby-steps of an obscure Liverpoolenglandish colony. But still, there are always some die hard fanatics who watch every second of the Baptism of Fire, and Wabbits coach Cor Bensen was undoubtedly one of them.

“We should be able to handle them,” was Bensen’s estimate before the match, though he did include some words of caution, specifically referring to Lox Land Island’s 8-0 win in the Baptism of Fire Group Stage. Still, Bensen’s estimate turned out to be pretty accurate, as the Land-Islanders put up a little bit of a fight, but nothing the Wabbits couldn’t handle.

Jonas Horst, out to prove he deserves the starting striker position over more experienced Jan Wolters, scored his second international goal early in the match, with a downward header off a Balt Luyckx corner kick. On schedule, it seemed, but a fast Lox Land counter-attack resulting in the equalizer by right winger Nathan Legere forced the Wabbits into a higher gear.

Before the end of the half Dirk Jools broke away and managed to slide the ball under the rushing out goalkeeper, putting the Wabbits back on schedule, and himself as well – Jools claimed he’d be scoring a goal in every Qualifying match, and is now two for two, but with a long way still to go.

As they did in the opening match against Taken Names, the Wabbits dropped the pace after the break, opting to keep possession of the ball rather than take needless risks. Late in the match, young substitute striker Chico Provoost prevented the second half from being completely insignificant. Provoost intercepted a sloppy back pass and side-stepped the keeper, scoring his first senior goal to bring the final score to 1-3.

This victory puts the Wabbits in the lead, two points ahead of the group’s ‘big three’, who all slipped up against one of the smaller teams. It’s doubtful that they’ll be able to remain in this position for very long though, but coach Cor Bensen intends to “enjoy it while it lasts.”

“There’s a lot of so-called ‘little teams’ having a go at Qualifying for this World Cup,” Bensen says. “Naturally they don’t stand a friggin’ chance of finishing in the top three, but that doesn’t mean you can just dismiss them. In fact, I believe they’ll be playing major roles in many groups, as ‘referees’ so to speak.”

“Our task is far from easy. Sneaking past Lethislavania for the play-off spot is obviously what we’re hoping to achieve. And it’s the matches against those ‘little teams’ that are the key. If we can keep from slipping up against the bottom four, we’re more than halfway there.”

Lox Land Island – Spruitland: 1 – 3
0-1 Horst (17’)
1-1 Legere (22’)
1-2 Jools (37’)
1-3 Provoost (83’)

Olav Nett, Spruitland’s Minister of Sports, was fiddling with his tie. He didn’t like wearing a tie. It was just one of those things he could never get comfortable with. It was always too tight, always in the way, and it had the annoying habit of landing in his soup. Not to mention the fact that he always had to ask his wife for help in putting it on. And he hated asking his wife for help.

But if there was one thing Olav disliked even more than wearing a tie, it was wearing a tie to meet His Majesty. Not that he was officially required to do so – King Alfons wasn’t too big on etiquette, and it was doubtful that he had ever worn a tie himself. It was just one of those things that came to be over the years, one of those things Olav would gladly do without.

He had made the mistake of wearing a tie during his first few audiences with the King, as a newly appointed Minister. His wife had forced him to - “it’s a sign of respect,” she had said, and Olav had gone along with it, thinking it couldn’t hurt. Of course, he hadn’t taken his wife’s rather skewed sense of fashion into account.

He remembered his first audience with the King as if it was yesterday. His Majesty had taken one look at his tie, burst out laughing, and made a joke about it. And he had done so every time they met ever since, the same joke every time. It wasn’t even a particularly funny joke either, but it had become a freaky sort of tradition, and Olav was sure His Majesty would take great offense if he’d show up without a tie now.

Olav looked up as Martin Backer, President of the Spruitland Football Association, walked into the lounge, wearing a jeans and a coffee smeared t-shirt. Backer stifled a yawn and sat down next to Olav on the red plush sofa. His eyes rested on Olav’s tie for a moment, but then he just nodded a bored hello.

“Cutting it a bit thin, are you not?” the Minister grunted quietly, but Backer just snickered.

“Be glad I’m here at all. Like I don’t have anything better to do than waste my time on one of His Foolishness’ schemes.”

“So you know what we’re here for, then?”

“Of course not,” Backer shrugged. “But what are the chances he called us in for something serious? And I’m telling you right now, if he wants me to feed the players more genetically altered vegetables of some sort, I’m resigning!”

* * * * *

“Martin, Olav, welcome!” the King boomed as he got up from his throne-fauteuil. He strode forward, and his eyes twinkled as he looked at the Minister’s tie.

“Nice tie, Olav,” he said, the edges of his mouth struggling not to curl upwards. “Did you… pick it out yourself?”

“Erm, no, Your Highness,” Olav replied, pretending not to notice how the King was biting his tongue to keep a straight face. “This one is – much like all my other ties – a present from my wife.”

“I see,” the King said, forcing his face into a look of compassion. “Wow, she must really hate you, huh?”

His Majesty burst out in a roar of laughter, and Olav forced himself to join in, while Martin Backer stood there not quite sure what to do. Next time I’m gonna say I picked it out myself, Olav thought, but he knew he probably wouldn’t. The King slapped his knees and hopped up and down like a child on Christmas morning. After a good minute or so the laughter died out, and His Majesty pulled out a Royal Handkerchief to wipe his tears.

“You called us in for something urgent then, Your Highness?” Backer asked, not particularly trying to hide his impatience.

“Yes. Yes indeed. Quite urgent, in fact,” Alfons nodded, waving his visitors to follow him. He led them to an adjoining room, promptly knocking his miter off his head on the way in. He swiftly caught it in mid air, put it back on his head, and proudly held the door open for them. “Nifty, no?”

The Minister of Sports and the SFA President looked around the room, with twenty-odd tv-screens covering one wall, half a dozen computers covering another, and empty pizza boxes covering the floor.

“Very nifty, Your Highness,” they said in unison, Olav doing a much better job than Backer in faking enthusiasm.

Alfons flipped a switch that turned on all tv-screens at once. Every one of them showed images of football matches, from all over the world, from a long forgotten history to as recent as the pre-World Cup 24 Baptism of Fire.

“That is nifty!” Backer said, looking around with more interest now. “What’s it for, though?”

“I call it… the Royal Manager’s Office!” the King smiled.

“The – pardon?”

“I’ve locked myself inhere for weeks, from as soon as I heard about it,” Alfons said, walking up and down the room in excitement. “And I’m finally ready. I just hope it’s not too late yet. That’s where you come in, Olav. You have to convince them!”

“Convince who? Ready for what, Your Highness?”

“Ready to be a football manager, of course!”

“A foot—” Olav gasped, then kept his mouth shut until the shock would wear off. It was something one learned to do instinctively when dealing with His Majesty on a regular basis. Martin Backer, unfortunately, had only dealt with King Alfons on a few occasions, and did not possess that instinct yet.

“But that’s ridiculous!” Backer called out, causing a quite intense Royal Frown.

“Is it now? And why would that be, Martin?”

“Because… wel… it’s…” Backer’s brain was visibly looking for an answer, but when it didn’t come immediately and the King’s frown deepened, the SFA President shrugged and just said what he actually thought.

“Because, well, with all due respect, Your Highness, you couldn’t even manage to tie your own shoes, let alone a football team.”

Olav winced, and then started thinking of who he should appoint as the next SFA President, but it turned out His Majesty was in a good mood.

“I could if I wanted to! I just choose to employ someone to do that! I can do that, you know, I’m a King! Which would, incidently, be a good thing to remember here. I’ve managed to run a nation for quite some time now, surely managing a football team can’t be any more difficult!”

“Besides,” he added, “if the rulers of nations like Elrich, Jon Parkin and Shearer Heaven can manage a football team, I don’t see why I can’t. Hell, they even play football too!”

“Your Majesty, you surely can’t –”

“Don’t worry Olav, I’m not gonna play. Though I’d be a pretty decent hard-tackling wingback, if I say so myself. But I’ll stick to managing, for now.”

“But Your Highness… What about Cor Bensen?” Backer asked.

“I dunno, what about Cor?”

“Well, we can’t just fire him. Not so out of the blue…”

“Martin’s right, Your Highness. Maybe after Qualifying, if the Wabbits don’t reach the Finals…” And by which time His Royal Impulsiveness has found something else to occupy his time with, he didn’t say out loud.

“Hold on, now. I have no intention of managing the Wabbits.”

“You don’t?”

“Of course not! That’d be just silly. The Wabbits will have a hell of a time trying to make it through the Qualifiers, they’ll really need someone who knows what he’s doing. No no, I want to manage… Vilita!”

“Vil—” This time, Martin Backer managed to keep his mouth shut until the shock would wear off.

“Yes,” the King smiled. “When they fired that Helmut Vilfeller a while back, I realized they’d be the perfect team for me to manage. I mean, think about it. They’re a good team, so they’ll pretty much sail through qualifying without me having to do much. I can just organize a few training camps to the beach and be done with it. And stand around on the sideline during matches shouting stuff nobody understands anyway. Can’t go wrong, really. And if they should do poorly after all, then heck, what do I care? It’s not my country anyway.”

“But Your Highness, I don’t think—”

“Oh nonsense, Olav. Set it up, will ya. And be quick about it, I’m sure they’ll be making a decision any time now. Oh, and Olav… be convincing.”


To: Rory Issah, Vilitan FA
From: Olav Nett, Minister of Sports, Spruitland

Dear Sir,

With this writing I would like to apply for the position of Vilita’s national football manager, in name of His Majesty, King Alfons I of Spruitland.

While his resume might not be as impressive – or existant – as those of the other candidates, I assure you King Alfons would be the perfect man for the job. His Majesty has an extensive knowledge of anything football related, with a foundation in personal experience dating back to his childhood. Even though he retired from active football at age 12, that only gave him more time to spend on his in-depth study of football tactics.

In his late teenage years, His Majesty was very actively involved in various supporters clubs, working with hands and feet on inter-supporter relations. Since then, he has managed many a team from the Conference to the Premier League in pretty much every version of Championship Manager.

King Alfons would marvel at the opportunity to lead the Vilitan team to success, and he believes his charming personality coupled with an ingenious bonus system – drugs and females to be provided by the Spruitland government at strongly reduced costs – make him the perfect choice for the position.

Sincerely,
Olav Nett

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

The Ballad of Elrich and Oglethorpia
(by John-Paul the poet)

On Matchday two,
There were quite a few,
Who thought Elrich could get a result,
But at the KFC,
The score was two-three,
And disspapointment for the Elrich cult.

On small muddy pitches,
With plenty of ditches,
Exciting football you thought there'd be no,
But out in the rain,
Was a thriller the game,
The teams really did put on a show.

After minutes sixteen,
The debutant Dan Singh-Queen,
Did "dance" through the back-line to score,
He hammered his shot,
From the penalty spot,
And the Elrichian crowd did roar.

But from a quick throw,
Luud Van Mistletoe,
For Oglethorpia did level the scores,
Banks had no chance,
He stayed stood in his stance,
The defending from Elrich was poor.

Just before half-time,
Anton Kremlev did climb,
Heighest from Falls' free-kick,
He nodded the ball wet,
In the back of the net,
And Oglethorpia were starting to click.

Half-time came,
Bassett: "More of the same",
And his team they did start to attack,
They hit through balls and crosses,
Didn't want two losses,
But the finishing touch they did lack.

But on minute 83,
Elrich's Zebedeee,
Released Robin Banks quite clean through,
The chance he didn't miss,
And his Badge he did kiss,
And it looked it would finish 2-2.

But it wasn't to be,
In added time 93,
Kremlov Elrich's draw he denied,
A beast of a hit,
Which moved quite a bit,
The Elrichian fans they cried.

But all in all,
We played good football,
But I guess it just wasn't to be,
We hope for more luck,
And to break our duck,
When we face Hockey Canada in Match three!!!!!

Elrich : Burns, Scott, Adams, P Spinks, Jones, Allen, Zebedee, J Spinks, Banks, Singh-Queen, Elrich

The Archregimancy Brings You Live World Cup Coverage

Or not, as the case might be.

Hello. I'm Father John the Golden-throated, and I want to apologise to all Archregimancy citizens for the failure of today's planned coverage of the exciting Archregimancy versus Rejistania World Cup qualifier live from the Dreamed Stadium.

I want to assure all viewers that they missed nothing particularly important. Our brave lads held their number 2 ranked opponents to a 0-0 draw all the way to half-time - forcing the opposition to stand for the entire divine liturgy immediately before kick-off has proven to be a brilliant strategy - and even had the better of the play in the first 45 minutes. In the second half, the team went forward to another tremendous moral victory over highly-ranked opposition.

Rumours that the team 'lost' quite frankly miss the point, as true victory can only come through faith in the Lord, and temporary setbacks in this life only prepare us for greater victories in the life to come.

The atmosphere at the match was in any case electric, as the home supporters led the ground in a round of perfectly harmonised Slavonic 'hallelujahs' in order to drown out the heathen swearing of the Rejistanian pagans.

We can quite happily report that after the conclusion of the game, several particularly enthusiastic and devout Archregimancy supporters attempted to convert the Rejistani squad in an attempt to save their souls for the Lord. Particular attention was paid to the soul of star Rejistanian player Seneteramanasiri "SeKa" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu, who, alas, decided he would rather burn in hell for eternity than change his name to something more sensible (my personal bet was on Polycarp "Seka" Kalamanaserexesesikehidimerevenu) following baptism.

A full-scale monastic missionary effort was only narrowly averted as no-one in the Archregimancy has worked out what "Tadere-altena-kansa, xen'sikua il! Tesha'jet!" actually means.

We hope to have the live coverage fully operational again once our victories in the world that is start to match those future spiritual victories in the life to come.

ooc: I regret I have less time to write these over the weekend. Proper reports will start again on Monday - thanks in the meantime to Rejistani for writing a proper match report for the game.

(OOC: Bravo Elrich, one of the most original RPs I've ever seen!)

Dead-ostan in Terminators termination
Boring match mars Al Yuquti's splendid debut

Match Statistics
Venue: Dedostan
Scorer: Al Yuquti 74th

The Terminators travelled to Dedostan for their second match of the World Cup Qualifying campaign. With Doug Freech resting his key players for Matchday Three, Muhamiyon Ely'Uquti (also referred to as Muham Al Yuquti by commentators) got his Liverpool England debut at the age of just 18 years 311 days after spending three years with Freech at Lopinka Rovers in Vilita's Declasse Division, brought over personally from Stadt Nicht by Freech to rain under him.

Al-Yuquti made a profound impact on the game after coming on in the 67th minute. With the majority of the game being boring up till that point, Al Yuquti's introduction seemed to make all the difference. He managed to take the ball on five seperate mazy runs from the halfway line between coming on and scoring a goal from his fifth such run seven minutes later.

After the game, Freech was obviously pleased with Al Yuquti's contribution. "Mu did very well out there today. I'm proud of him, he's finally showing signs of his potential. He's sure to feature against Fart Islands on Matchday Four [when I rest the starters] again. I'll be looking forward to his performance, I'm sure he can go one better and get in an assist or two along with a goal.

Lox Land Island fall to 0-0-2 record quickly
Blackwell describes "optimism"

Lox Land Island have fallen to two early two-goal defeats at the hands of Total n Utter Insanity (Matchday One, 0-2) and Spruitland (Matchday Two, 1-3). However, team manager Steven Blackwell, a World Cup Hall of Famer for Liverpool England, says that his team's performances have given him "hope and optimism."

"The lads have been doing great. Patrick [Labarbera, the goalkeeper] and his defence have managed to keep themselves to only sixteen shots in the first two games, eight against each... five goals conceded is quite respectable, considering the experience the boys have had at this level. It's quite cheery-looking for the future, there's definitely hope and optimism in me," Blackwell told gathered reporters after his team's 1-3 defeat at home at the Watakisikis Lox Land Arena, a newly-built sporting facility in Watakisikis, 24 miles southwest of Schimpol, which is the team's permanent home ground.

Of the new ground, Blackwell said that he felt "it's a pity we can't name it the national stadium [due to Liverpool England law], but we're playing at this wonderful facility that accomodates 61,000 people - quite a lot, considering the National Stadium in CCL only fits 180,000 when fully expanded... The boys are looking forward to much success here at the Watakisikis Arena, and I must express the Federation of Football's sincere thanks to those who worked so hard on this project."

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem lead the Group 7 cavalry

Jeruselem leading Group 7 in World cup XXIV - we on drugs?
No, it's all good news and all true folks.

There's been two match days for qualifiers and Jeruselem have won two out of two.
Crystilakere won one and drew one - a slow start considering the opposition.

Jeruselem put down Klakistany 2-0 then Jeruselem fought the evil that is 0-0 Is Evil. Won that one 3-1. After all that we lead the Group and have the best against record so far as well as the 2nd best for record. The current Jeruselem team - basically the U21C18 team was written off as bunch of losers by some, but those critics should just shut up now.

Crystilakere got stuck with 2-2 draw with Ruventsoria but bounced back to hammer Klakistany into the pitch 4-0 next game. Yes, the Crystils look good after the cobwebs of the first game were gone.

Haperd are 3rd after a 1-1 draw with 0-0 is Evil then narrow defeating Southern Manchester 2-1.

Poor old Hypocria! They lost 0-1 to Southern Manchester. Hypocria did recover and beat Ruventsoria next game. However Southern Manchester was still 4th after their win.

It's earlier days but the leaders have shown their hand. Can Hypocria overcome Southern Manchester and take on Haperd for 3rd spot? As for the bottom 3, all but one has points. Still they are trying!

Group 7

Day 1

Crystilakere 2 - 2 Ruventsoria
Jeruselem 2 - 0 Klakistany
Haperd 1 - 1 0-0 Is Evil
Hypocria 0 - 1 Southern Manchester

Day 2

Ruventsoria 1 - 2 Hypocria
Klakistany 0 - 4 Crystilakere
0-0 Is Evil 1 - 3 Jeruselem
Southern Manchester 1 - 2 Haperd


Group 7 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Jeruselem 2 2 0 0 5 1 6 +4
Crystilakere 2 1 1 0 6 2 4 +4
Haperd 2 1 1 0 3 2 4 +1
Southern Manchester 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
Hypocria 2 1 0 1 2 2 3 0
Ruventsoria 2 0 1 1 3 4 1 -1
0-0 Is Evil 2 0 1 1 2 4 1 -2
Klakistany 2 0 0 2 0 6 0 -6

You Lose Some, You Lose Even More.

Naleloospalakintula 0-5 Fmjphoenix

0 Palak 2s
5 Vikings (Nolan 3, 5, 88, McAllister 30, Grimm 65)

Min 0. Kick-off. The Palak 2s have welcomed the Fmjphoenix Vikings here to Valli the Basin Stedia in Marsa for a World Cup 24 Qualifier. This should be an interesting match, lets see how things shape out.

Min 3. Here’s a cross.. Oh.. It’s a goal by Nolan for the Vikings! It must have been from about 16 yards, what a great shot.
Palak 2s 0-1 Viking

Min 5. Hang on, a goal just occurred. It’s Nolan again! Can I see a replay? No? I was distracted by a blimp.
Palak 2s 0-2 Vikings

Min 29. Berry is running into the box, and tripped by Point Nalel. The ref is coming ... and it’s a penalty to the Vikings and a yellow card for Point. The home fans aren’t happy.

Min 30. McAllister steps up to the plate ... and takes a slice.
Palak 2s 0-3 Vikings

Min 39. Point passes to Crank, and he takes a short run with the ball ... and smashes it! Oh, straight into the keepers arms.

HT. At half-time, the score stands at 3-0 to the Fmjphoenix Vikings. Today’s attendance is 8494, a record attendance at the Valli the Basin Stedia which beats the previous record by 11 people. (Old record: Keytion 1-5 Unlik, 8483)

“Just one question Polish Nalel, what happened with Point Nalel?”
“I don’t know, he must fancy Shelly Berry or something, ha-ha.”

Min 45. Vikings start the second half.

Min 46. Pox crosses it in ... Crank controls it, and blasts it! But deflected.

Min 49. Pox takes the corner, and Cream Nalel headers it, but deflected out for another corner.

Min 50. Pox takes the corner, and Point volleys! And deflected again. A great shot from 19 yards out.

Min 65. Mitchell with a cross. Grimm is running in and ... wow, what a goal by Grimm! 20 yards away, straight into the top right corner.
Palak 2s 0-4 Vikings

Min 78. Braw Nalel boots the ball up the pitch, Cream headers it back to Point, Point blasts and it glides well above the bar.

Min 88. Well, I think it’s pretty much over. Well, I think. Here’s Nolan with a run, and the Palak 2s defence is just not trying. Nolan with the shot.
Palak 2s 0-5 Vikings

Min 93. Full time. Naleloospalakintula 0-5 Fmjphoenix.

The team will remain the same for the match against Starblaydia.

Next stop: Silverlands.

C'mon Palak 2s!

Saturday 20th August 2005

Dear diary...

I don't believe it. I don't bloody believe it.

Everything was going so well. We arrived here in Viszonia in plenty of time to get a good training session in, the lads were in all in high spirits (even Omar, he can be a miserable bugger sometimes), and then that bloke who takes care of Tiddles comes up to the boss and says "Boss, there's a problem. The kennels where we were going to put Tiddles and Little Nerys (Tiddles' little friend) up for the night is double-booked". So Munir looks at us and says "Well lads, looks like one of you is going to have a room-mate!"

And guess who drew the short straw? Yep, yours truly! So we somehow managed to smuggle Tiddles and Little Nerys up the stairs under a bedsheet and into my room and stayed there until Nerys went to sleep. All well and good, we thought as we got Tiddles onto her lead and set off to the national stadium for the match.

As it turned out, the match itself turned out to be "un morceau d'urine", as they probably don't say in Oliverry. We went straight in with the 4-2-4 and we looked pretty comfortable without really getting out of second (or maybe third) gear.

John Harding got the first one after a few minutes - one of his trademark thumping headers from a corner after I had a shot saved. After that we pretty pretty much played the game the way we wanted. I had a couple of shots which went just wide, Judson was causing some problems on the left (of the footballing variety of course), and Brooksy had a good free kick which clpped the crossbar. I got a little over-enthusiastic though and got a yellow card for fouling a defender who was farting around with the ball - he was asking for it. He made a bit of a meal of the tackle though.

We finished the half 2-0 up thanks to Judson York. Conni (John Connick to the uninitiated) played a nice little through ball to me, which I dummied to get Gethin through on goal. He rounded the keeper but was taken too wide to take the shot, so he sent in a low cross across the goal which Yorky was first to get to.

The second half was more of the same, i.e. we were all over them. It was thanks to my good self that we went 3-0 up. Gethin, who had played a blinder, got himself a bit of space and took a shot. The keeper got to it but dropped the ball, and I managed to beat him to it to knock it in. Nice one.

The home side managed to get one back in the last minute though - I guess we were already celebrating the win, which the boss wasn't too happy about. Ah well.

Anyway we went back to the hotel happy with a job well done... until I went back into my room. It seems Little Nerys had woken up and decided to do a spot of redecorating. The place was an absolute mess. Not only that, but the bloody thing ate my new MP3 player! That thing cost me 250 Groats! The hotel manager was a bit annoyed to say the least. He said he didn't stand for drunken behaviour and he was going to chuck us out, until someone pointed out that we're all muslims. Well, except for Bobby Rosensteihl - he's jewish.

We still got thrown out though - it seems the manager didn't take too kindly to us smuggling aroras into the building. Can't blame him - I heard they snore, big time. So we got on the first plane home ready for our next match against San-Lorenzo.

Lets hope we give the home fans something to shout about this time.


Viszonia 1 (A Viszonian 89)
Bettia 3 (Harding 3, York 44, Hutton 75)

MD1: Bettia 1-1 PopularFreedom (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD2: Viszonia 1-3 Bettia
MD3: Bettia vs San-Lorenzo (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD4: Kurumada vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Kericia (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD6: Audioslavia vs Bettia
MD7: Bedistan vs Bettia
MD8: PopularFreedom vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Viszonia (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: San-Lorenzo vs Bettia
MD11: Bettia vs Kurumadia (Thamitra Gate, Tamrida)
MD12: Kericia vs Bettia
MD13: Bettia vs Audioslavia (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)
MD14: Bettia vs Bedistan (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

The Nedalia Lions

Solid Showing Leaves Lions With 6 Points

The Nedalia Lions traveled to Groba last night with question marks over the head after their last showing at home against Paxilia, and although the scoreline suggested a close match, it was one that the Lions can feel good about.

From the beginning to the end, it was a Lions dominated match, with only 2 shots total on goal for Groba, one of them the penalty kick given to them at the 81st minute mark which beat Nedalian keeper Derrell Lynch. A defensive showing led to fluidity on the offense, unlike last game, where only two players (Nene and Tim James) managed to show any creativity go forward. This time, they were joined by strong play from defensive midfielder Trent Hardman, Innit Point, and substitute forward Bader Tayarra.

The first Nedalian goal came in the 23rd minute after Groba finally caved to the all out assault on their goal, with Hardman playing a beautiful through ball to Starblaydia based Point, who simply tapped the ball to the right of the Grobian keeper. The second was through substitute Tayarra, who came on in the 66th minute and scored at the 77 minute mark. Groba managed to get one back after a deserved penalty was given when Mohammed Khadra made a rough challenge on a Grobian forward, and was given a yellow card as punishment.

The match leaves the Lions with a maximum of 6 points from 2 games, but they have yet to play any of the Group's top-tier teams. The encouraging sign, however, is that they have not messed up yet, and have shown enough potential in them to give hope for their fans who want to see them advance to the World Cup.

Reporter: Comrade Karpa, congrats on scoring the first goal for your nation!
Boris Karpa: Well, it is no achievement since we lost the match 1:2.
Reporter: A 1:2 is better than a 0:2.
Boris Karpa: You are no System Karelan?
Reporter: I am not, I am Communist Rejistanian, I report for the Alte'tan han'ines.
Boris Karpa: okay, it is simple. We went ahead in this one attack but from that part on, we were not ably to defend adequately and therefore conceded. Even conceded twice. It is a big disgrace and since I defended with the rest of the team, I am to blame the same amount as everyone else is. Having scored or not does not matter in contrast to that.
Reporter: This sounds very communistic...
Boris Karpa: it does?
Reporter: Yes. One is only important in his team, not as person.
Boris Karpa: That is not quite right... but as offensive defender* one has to defend in the first place, not to... well, you know what I mean.
Reporter: attack?
Boris Karpa: Yes.
Reporter: Offensive defender is one of the least respected positions in karelan soccer, do you plan to move to a nation where attack is actually respected?
Boris Karpa: That asks someone from a nation with much individuality? I like my freedom more than my attacking!
Reporter: What is freedom?
Boris Karpa: I heard the term from Allaneans, I don't know it either in a definable form.

* SKan for striker

Eh???
Another Draw Against Highly Ranked Side Tadjikstan!

A Bit of another Shock As Newbies faced highly ranked Tadjikstan and drew
heres the highlits of the game.

Shearer Heaven-Starters
GK-J.Marjoram
CB-D.Perkins
CB-A.Forsyth
LB-A.Radoti
RB-B.Lakkerston
LW-A.Emre
RW-I.Marjoram-Vice CaptainCM-B.Marjoram
CM-C.Corrigan
CF-Alan Shearer-Captain
CF-A.Norton
Tadjikstan Starters[B]
GK-S.Vorozheikin
DF-T.Orlov
DF-O.Aini
DF-D.Terekhin
CM-L.Kornilov
CM-M.Pliiev
CM-O.Kirov
CM-V.Galatski
CF-N.Tanai
CF-P.Bayernov
CF-O.Salenko

Highlights-

2nd Minuite-Kornilov Makes Run Chips Ball In For Salenko, He Shoots, Tipped Over.


25th Minuite-Bob Lakkerston Trips Bayernov, Penalty Given Lakkerston-Yellow
Carded. Penalty shot hits off crossbar,(Salenko Took.) Salenko Volleys ball destined for top corner Tipped Over.

44th Minuite- Ian Marjoram Makes Run From Midfield Crosses in Shearer Header,Hits Post and out for goal kick.

Half Time


58th Minuite A.Emre and B.Marjoram Take On Tadjikistani Defence Emre Shoots ,Post And Out.

75th Minuite-(Counter Attack From Corner) N.Tanai Takes On Lakkerston Shoots, Heroic Save by Marjoram,Post And Out.

82nd Minuite-Alan Shearer Volleys Cross From Emre, Keeper Saves Heroicly
bounces off crossbar hits the line , Shearer Runs In To Pop It In Vorezheiken Trips Shearer Viciously, Yellow Carded, Penalty.
82nd 1/2 minuite.
Shearer Steps Up, Tadjikistani Fan Runs On Pitch Shearer Shoots, Scores, Goal Disallowed Because Of Fans Appearence,Shearer Steps Up Shoots Vorezheiken Saves ,Corner.

83rd Minuite-I.Marjoram Crosses To J.Marjoram(out of goal!) Headers it into top corner Vorezheiken Catches Beutiful Save, Then J.Marjoram Speeds Down Towards His Goal, Vorezheiken Dribbles Ball Up Shoots, And Marjoram Reaches The Top Of Goal Saves Shot Marvelouslly Heroics Considered.

After The Match Shearer Said-[B]Shocker Of a game!

Berry out indefinetly with sprained ankle, broken arm

When Shelly Berry hit the ground after being tripped in the match against Naleloospalakintula, her fall was broke by her arm, which was broken in two differenet locations. Also, her ankle was mildy sprained, forcing her to limp heavily on it. Terrence McAllister came in on the day and will also move into the starting eleven for at least the match against Prince Aidan.

Point Sorrows

The Naleloospalakintulan Football Association Place would like to apoligise on Point Nalels' behalf. The foul was terrible and we are not proud, we hope no further actions from Shelly Berry will be taken against Point. We have fined Point Nalel a fee for indecent behaviour for an international player. I hope this incident has not caused any disputes among fans and anything else.

This matchday's scores are sponso-
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
-logise for the techni-
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD
KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK KD DK
-ances beyond our control.

Matchday 2 RP cutoff - MD3 scores up shortly

//OOC: Looks like the scores are up on the scores thread, but the link hasn't been posted. So if this is drastically wrong, I'm sorry, and I'll fix it later.//

PALADINS HAVE WABBIT STEW

Fired up by "little team" comment, motivated Paladins slam in four goals to top Spruitland

“There’s a lot of so-called ‘little teams’ having a go at Qualifying for this World Cup,” [Spruitland coach Cor] Bensen says.

SPRUITLAND - The Paladins certainly delivered a fine performace tonight, silencing a raucous home crowd with three late goals on their way to a 4-2 wins over former group leader Spruitland.

"We have a proud tradition of smashing people's faces in when they belittle us aside," said coach Jean-Rene Filon. "After the game against TnUI I said we need to stuff that momentum up someone's bum and the players responded admirably."

The game started out much as expected when striker Dirk Jools continued his streak of goal-scoring by curving one past keeper Lucien Beaupre 18 minutes into the game. The Wabbits dominated the first half, but were kept to just the one goal by a determined defensive effort and a pair of spectacular saves by Beaupre.

"Something just clicked after that goal," said Beaupre after the game. "I saw Jools coming in a second - YAAH! Get back here, Loic, I swear I'll..." The interview had been cut short by midfielder Loic Perron, who had just sprayed Beaupre with shaving cream live on national television. Beaupre had no further comments for the media afterwards.

Perron had something to celebrate himself after tying up the game 13 minutes into the second half with a conversion of a corner kick that bounced off the sidebar and into the net.

Spruitland took back the lead up 4 minutes later with a nice shot into the upper-left hand corner of the net by reserve midfielder Lee Beck, who had come in while Waldo Gelmer sat on the bench after drawing a yellow card for leveling Perron as he charged towards the Spruitland net.

"I forgot where I was for a minute there," said Perron. "Bloody hard hit, I'll say. Great job by Beck, though, that shot would've done anyone - Lucien, you rat bastard, I'm going to-" Perron had just gotten pantsed live on the national media.

With 20 minutes left to go, and Perron out for the game, things were looking bleak for the Paladins. Then Yohan Brault, a reserve forward, came in for starter Francois Legardeur, and things started coming together for the Paladins.

After a diving save by Beaupre, the goaltender threw it in to midfielder Charles Battelier, who dribbled upfield and passed it to Brault on the right wing. Brault juked out his defender and put it in under a diving Simon Briers.

6 minutes later a shot by Brault off the crossbar got headed in by foward Fabrice Pilon-Austin, and the crowd went silent for good.

The final goal, with 4 minutes left in the match, was anticlimatic, with reserve midfielder Phillippe Beaudoin converting a pass by Battelier. Nice pass, though.

This Paladins squad came from the Patriarch's Academy in New Montreal, and the Rev. Father Michel Norbaie, headmaster, stated: "We are very proud of the way our team conducted itself when down during the World Cup. This is an inspiration to all of our students." He then went on to add that Perron and Beaupre faced suspension for "disgracing our school's good name during its moment of triumph," for their pranks during the post-game conference.

TOMORROW'S GAME

The Paladins face Lethislavania at Sherbrooke Field in Sherbrooke. St-Arsene-les-Hautes-Bois will take the field in the silver and blue. Coach Filon had this to say: "We're starting off with the 4 toughest teams in our group. This is somewhat less than ideal, to be sure. In fact, this bites worse than a 90-year-old without dentures. All we can do is play through it and plot our revenge on the people who stuck us in this quandary.

GROUP 3 REPORT

The Paladins moved up to fifth place as Shearer Heaven fell to TnUI 3-1. TnUI moved ahead of Spruitland into a three-way tie for first, joining Lethislavania and Tadjikistan, both of whom won last night over Lox Land Island and [b]Taken Names[b], respectively.

OTHER TEAMS OF NOTE

We didn't bother looking it up, because we at the Presse-Journal Devoir have a nasty-ass cold, and went home to fix some chicken noodle soup instead of waiting for the foreign scores to come in.

//ooc: so do I. sorry if any of this is incoherent or makes no sense. the same thing for tomorrow, and probably monday and tuesday as well.//

Kodiak Daily Rabbler
A Lot Less Quiet Pride

CFA Pull Out?
Devistating Loss At Home Makes Rumors

You would think a home game for the Kodiaks would keep the 72,000 seated Easten National Arena full. Instead, the stadia was basically a ghost town after watching Baptism of Fire winner Hurfordia smash the Kodiaks 3-0 in the opening half and the Kodiaks, finally starting their main squad, could never recover in an embarrasing 3-1 loss that has led to rumors the entire squad could be yanked from Qualifying due to its poor showing after three games.

CFA Presiden Quonesh scoffed at the rumors, saying "it's still early and all of Chicanada has pride in our National Side. It's apparent that resting our main starters the past two matches has not worked as well as expected and the National staff is in the process of making sure the team is better prepared for the rest of the qualifying."

Some experts think pulling out could work, especially as the Kodiaks prepare for Limbrogidlia. Even though the unknown squad is currently in 7th, expectatations are low for the Kodiaks to even manage a tie, let alone get a win after two disaterous performances. Comming after is a scary swing againt the top three in Group 6 - a swing that looks like it could fully end and dreams the Kodiak faithful have of making the finals for the second time.

The Kodiaks, comming in 29th in the world, looked horrible throughout the match, giving up too many corners and not reading crosses as the team fell into a 3-0 hole in 25 minutes. Captain Jude Westington was visibly frustrated with the game and was kept out of the second half after Yeo scored a goal in the 69th minute - the lone bright spot for the sqaud. The match was a sellout, but only 8,000 fans were still in attendance after the half - which could be a problem for upcomming games at the 100,000 seat Southampton National Square, 120,000 GDPC and the recently opened 65,000 Stadia Lia. Cananite Pavillion should be accessible, especially after TroutCo Field in Cana declinded to hold the return game against Limbrogidlia.

The national coach is expected to maintain the current roster lineup for now, but expect come call-ups and demotions if the Kodiaks do anything less than win in Limbrogidlia tommorow.

Kodiaks XXIV World Cup Schedule
MD01: The South Packerlands [W 2-1]
MD02: @ Nobbsinia [L 0-1]
MD03: Hurfordia [L 1-3]
MD04: @ Limbrogidlia
MD05: Praying2God [at Southampton National Square]
MD06: @ Cockbill Street
MD07: @ Oaker
MD08: @ The South Packerlands
MD09: Nobbsinia [at Stadia Lia, Acadia]
MD10: @ Hurfordia
MD11: Limbrogidlia [at Cananite Pavillion, Paradiso]
MD12: @ Praying2God
MD13: Cockbill Street [at Southampton National Square]
MD14: Oaker [at Grand Douala Palazia Centre]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Nation of Chicanada has chosen not to rabble, as apparently our RPability can't save us. Even with other nations in our grouping staying quiet, the Kodiak Faithful are frustrated with the lack of quality play against teams we should be running over. The nation will merely play content with the possibility of a 1-0-13 record at this rate. - ChicanadaSun.org

29th? Hurfordia made us look like we'd just discovered the damn ball. A horrid performance all around and the CFA should change coaches in a hurry if they expect this sorry lot to move on - Cana Daily Press

Horrid example of Kodiak play. Maybe it's not too late to send Real Chelsea or Mission to pretend to be the national side? At least they have figured out how to score a goal, which this bunch of pretty rich boys (and gal) can't seem to do. - Canal

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquierer

Sports Section

Inside: MFA furious Fairbanks on verge of losing job

Milchama get shutout. Rumors afoot of sackings and squad rearangings

The Milchama Warriors had an absolutely embarrasing performance tonight against The Lowland Clans getting shut out 2-0. The Warriors never looked ready to play and were on their back foot from the get go. "We knew the Clans would be hard opponents but the way we played them was truly an embarasment to us to our soccer team and to the nation of Milchama." said Captain Dunston Copperlee after the match. Enlight of this bad performance and of the underperformance in general of Milchama during this tournament the MFA stated the Coach Fairbanks could get fired from being the national team coach. More on this inside.
Match Report:
The first half was the better of two disasters for Milchama as they managed to at least keep the Clans at bay and even have some scoring chances. The game started off well for the Warriors who looked determined to do well at least show The Lowland Clans press that was merit behind their bookies predictions. In the 10th minute Copperlee hit the crossbar and in the 15th minute he made a brilliant pass thru to Macnaturn whose shot was saved by the keeper. In the 23rd minute Milchama got their best chance of the match. Kunalin started off with the ball in midfield, he passed the ball to Flinters who was making a run down the wing and Flinters in turn passed the ball back to Kunalin who put a perfect shot but unfortunately the shot was saved just a brilliantly by Daren Hughes The Lowland Clans goalkeeper. After that chance the Milchama attack uncharateristically fell flat and the Clans started to attack with Konstadin and Gregor playing great and controlling the midfield play. In the 43rd minute Konstadin's great play got rewarded when he got the ball from Gregor and crossed the ball into the box to Rich Blythe who got a perfect shot and a goal to give the Clans a 1-0 lead. The score at half time 1-0.

The second half started bad for the Warriors who felt dejected after giving up a goal so close to half time. Their play showed it as they barely moved foward and seemed content with clearing the ball down the field. Luckily during this first 10 minute period the Clans didn't manage to score but almost did in the 53rd when captain Stjepan took a great shot to the high left corner but it was saved brilliantly by keeper Koolerc. At the 60 minute mark Rintel was subbed off for Timmons who Fairbanks said after the game will become a starter in midfield and be made captain again. Anyway back to the game, Timmons presence seem to excite who started to show some attacking spirit again with Timmons doing a lot of work in the midfield and creating chances for both Floren and Matt Bantin, who was subbed in for Macnaturn at half time. In the 71st minute it looked like Milchama was going to be able to get a draw as Timmons found Copperlee in the box and Copperlee put the ball in the net but unfortunately- and correctly- the official identified Copperlee as offside. This made Milchama dejected and they fell back into their slump letting the Clans get to all the 50/50 balls. One of these 50/50 balls on a goal kick from Koolerc went to wing back Vasil who made a beautiful ball to Gregor who passed it foward to Blythe again and again Blythe made the most of his oppurtunity putting the ball in the back of the net for a 2-0 lead.
Final Score:
Lowland Clans 2 (Blythe 43, 80)
Milchama 0 (we sucked)

A new segment here in the Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquirer that we got from the Port James Daily News-Sun-Times-Tribune. The new segment is the Milchama Man of the Match. Today Billy Timmons his inspiring play almost led to a goal and helped Milchama from really getting blown out of the stadium.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Terminal Vilkaousity
Helmut Vilkaous' Men Finally Come Good

Five days ago it looked like Helmut Vilkaous would become the shortest living manager in the history of football in this country.

His public hammering of the 'slaves star-striker Jan-Arne Hellstrom had angered the entire nation. The ENTIRE nation. As you can imagine, getting on the wrong side of five billion, seven hundred and two thousand, four hundred and forty-two people is a bad thing to do. However, Vilkaous rode the media storm with the aloofness we've come to recognise and - it has to be said - put up with, and sent out the re-re-styled 'slave team to hammer four goals past lowly Viszonia. Granted, the Viszonian side are hardly world beaters, but its a start.

With Dvorak injured and Hellstrom publically shunned, the 'slaves had to field a largely unfamiliar strike force. Michael Brondby replaced Hellstrom in the centre of attack, while Nikki Pollson was favoured over striker Ennio Neruda and winger Kelly Torrini for the left-forward role.

Audioslavia line-up:

1 - GK - Gabriel Celta
2 - RB - Derry Colgan
3 - LB - David Raven
5 - CB - Yevgeny Smashnov
6 - CB - Aron Ceulemans (c)
7 - RW - Taurxa Jeroen (sub 83mins, 17 - Carlo Tarreste)
23-LW - Kabaofo Alanila
4 - CM - Dietmar Mussorgsky
14- RF - Nikki Polsson (sub 83mins, 11 - Kelly Torrini)
9 - LF - Danny McCosstessey (sub 50mins, 19 - Ennio Neruda)
20- CF - Michael Brondby

Audioslavia's demolition of Viszonia was swift. As in the Popular Freedom game, the first goal came within five minutes. Audioslavia's attacking play was too much for the Viszonian defence and an in-road was made for Polsson to run through and slide the ball into the corner for one-nil. It would be three-nil before the hour mark, as first McCosstessey, and then Jeroen scored with low shots from the edges of the area.

The 'slaves lead 3-0 going into the break, but just after half-time they suffered a minor set-back as McCosstessey pulled up with a strain in his thigh, meaning that every single one of Audioslavia's three first-choice strikers were now missing, with McCosstessey's name being added to the list which included Hellstrom and Dvorak. However, the set-back didn't stop Kabaofo Alanila from scoring his first goal for the 'slaves. After exchanging a neat one-two with Polsson on the edge of the box, the Vilitaslavian midfielder clipped the ball round the goalkeeper and into the bottom corner. Unlike the poor showing last week, the crowd this time went into raptuous applause as Alanila celebrated, being watched by a jubilant Vilkaous.

Group 11 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Bedistan 3 3 0 0 7 0 9 +7
Bettia 3 2 1 0 8 2 7 +6
Kericia 3 2 1 0 7 3 7 +4
Audioslavia 3 2 0 1 6 2 6 +4
Kurumada 3 1 0 2 1 4 3 -3
PopularFreedom 3 0 1 2 2 5 1 -3
San-Lorenzo 3 0 1 2 2 9 1 -7
Viszonia 3 0 0 3 2 10 0 -8

The 4-0 win will be enough for the 'slaves to keep the small amount of faith they have in Vilkaous in-tact, but the fact is that the 'slave faithful's appetites will not be satisfied until the 'slaves get to at least second position in the table, and until they play Bedistan. It is that match that will surely be the biggest indicator as to what standard the 'slaves are at. Audioslavia and Bedistan have been closely matched throughout history both in rank, results, and alphabetically, but it seems that the Bedistanis have the edge now. I guess thats an edge that will need blunting.

IBJJ, G'NB

Alexandria Times-Post-Gazette-Chronicle-Journal-Enquierer

Sports Section


Fairbanks on verge of losing job

Milchama coach Jonathan Fairbanks who just 3 weeks ago was talking enthusiastically about how he would Milchama to third place has now become the scourge of the nation after losing two and drawing one in his first three games in charge. MFA President Calvin Chintermantoman said, "We know that these opponents have been highly ranked and we understand that were going to lose to some of these teams but the thing is that we have not played well against these teams at all. If we were 0-1-2 and the scores for the losses were 2-1 and 1-0 then maybe we would not be in this situation right now. The thing is not that we have but we have lost horribly not putting a good showing on at all. Even in our draw against Pedriana we should have won but we blew when they scored in the 85th minute of a sure victory then of course we're happy but they did and we think that it is bad coaching not making sure the team was focused on winning the game. While the bookies and the press can say whatever they want the MFA had one goal coming into the tournament and that was 'do better then last time.' Last time we finished 7th in our group right now just look at the standings
Group 1 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Turori 3 3 0 0 11 1 9 +10
The Lowland Clans 3 3 0 0 7 2 9 +5
Nova Britannicus 3 3 0 0 6 1 9 +5
Dauna Hills 3 1 0 2 2 6 3 -4
Pedriana 3 0 2 1 4 5 2 -1
Liverpoolian 3 0 1 2 4 7 1 -3
Milchama 3 0 1 2 2 7 1 -5
System Karela 3 0 0 3 1 8 0 -7

We're in 7th place right now 7TH FUCKING PLACE! This cannot go on and if it does go on then we will fire Fairbanks and put him back to just coaching the U21s. Oh yeah and Milchama will be taking applications for a new coach just in case."

As for Fairbanks he has been quiet on this issue just commenting after the match that he was disspointed with his squad so far and will make sugnificant tactical changes for the next game at home against Nova Brittanicus.
The projected starting lineup for the next game will be
Gk Koolerc
D Milckey
D Brandon
D Callers
M Flinters
M Timmons
M Kunalin
F Faren
F Floren
F Bantin
F Copperlee
So far this lineup has not been confirmed or denied by Fairbanks. This is merely a prediction made by this newspaper.
Article written by Johan Francis

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU....

WORLD CUP ACTION LIVE!


Hello, I'm Father John the Golden-throated, and welcome to Spaam for today's live World Cup Qualifier between the local heathens and our brave footballing monks. Following the mighty moral victories in our first two matches - which some pedants have insisted on referring to as 'losses' - our squad are really up against it if they're to stand any chance of qualifying, and travelling away to face another team with a long and storied World Cup history perhaps only demonstrates that our qualifying schedule was drawn up by freemasons and communists. Only yesterday...

<static>

...but fortunately, since this last week has been a feast rather than a fast, the team look unusually well-rested. And here come the teams, the Archregimancy as always preceded by the Holy Icon of the Mother of God, Bringer of Victory, whose divine intercession is more necessary than ever today. Rumours that Coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, faces the sack if the team can't manage at least a draw today are...

<static>

...two nuns, a donkey, and a plate of spaghetti. And Fr. Silouan kicks off, passes to Fr. Polycarp. Fr. Polycarp back to Fr. Dmitri. Fr. Dmitri passes it right to Fr. Pavel the Wanderer. Fr. Pavel is true to his idiorythmic roots, and sets off on a long, lazy solo dribble down the right - which comes to nothing. Again. Sometimes I think Fr. Pavel needs to remember that this is a team sport...

<static>

...magnificent save from Fr. Justinian the Thrice blessed, who kicks it upfield. Fr. David flicks it on, and HE'S CLEAR... FATHER SILOUAN IS CLEAR!!! ONLY THE KEEPER TO BEAT!!! AND, OH MY GOODNESS, HE'S MERCILESSLY HACKED DOWN FROM BEHIND!!!! Father Silouan writhes in pain on the ground, and the referee surely has no choice here, and yes, it's a red card to the Spaam defender* - the last man, stopping a clear goal-scoring opportunity. That sort of tackle was long-ago declared heretical in the 26th canon of the Fourth Council of Alasdairopolis, and they might not follow canon law in Spaam, but the referee knows a bad tackle when he sees one. And - yes - he's also given a penalty. A penalty to the Archregimancy! Who's going to take it? It looks like the captain, Fr. Polycarp the Venerable. He takes a quick trip to the sideline, venerates the Holy Icon - the referee's telling him to hurry up. Fr. Polycarp's still venerating the icon. He crosses himself. And again. The referee looks on impatiently. And Fr. Polycarp prostrates himself before the icon. And again. The referee shows Fr. Polycarp a yellow card for timewasting. Fr. Polycarp ignores the referee and... venerates the icon some more. Finally, it looks like Fr. Polycarp is ready to take the penalty. He steps forward. He shoots... HE SCORES!!!!

THAAAAAAAAAAAAANKS BEEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOO GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!

The Archregimancy takes the lead, and across the nation, monks go wild in fervent yet humble prayer!

<static>

---------------------------------------------

At this point the coverage - and we really must improve the feed - broke down entirely, but it is with tremendous pleasure that the Monastic Football Association can announce that our squad held off the ten men on the opposing team for the remainder of the match, and actually won. No. Really. Not just a moral victory, but an honest to goodness proper victory. Look, we're monks - we don't lie about this sort of thing.

For the record, we have every confidence in Coach Kyrill, and put full trust in him - and the Lord our God - for at least a draw in our upcoming home match against Wella, which will leave us with the hoped-for four points from the first four matches.


*OOC: I've seen no roster sheet or roleplay instructions from Spaam, so hope the red card here isn't seen as inappropriate.

Plokkle: Tonight on Crosswire, alcoholism: boon or scourge? Also, violence in video games: bad for kids or good training for challenges faced in real life? But first, big debate about druids: can they evolve into apes? Joining us, Bogspoon, director of Apes First! ape pride organization; Ms. Blottle, Professor of Punctuated Equilibrium at Bipedaleen University; Reverend Glunkspot, head of the Church of Bejeezus and Transubstantiation; Bumhartle, chief zoologist at Bananaton Zoological Park; and finally, Zingo, professional humbug. Welcome to program, ladies. You’ll each have two minutes to explain your position, then we have big free-for-all. First Bogspoon.

Bogspoon: Thank you. This new drug, Rosterthreadilookedatum, is a great breakthrough that human and ape scientists alike have been working on for years. Finally, for the first time, humans are able to accelerate their evolutionary development and become bipedal apes almost instantaneously. I predict first of all, that Chemindus will be the most profitable pharmaceutical company in the world, at least until the patent on Rosterthreadilookedatum expires-- and I believe that their stock price has tripled in the past month--

Zingo: They not listed.

Blottle: Are you certain?

Plokkle: No crosstalk until free-for-all!

Bogspoon: It’s irrelevant, really. If they’re not listed it just means their IPO will be that much bigger.

Zingo: Just means you didn’t do research.

Plokkle: Zingo, please!

Bogspoon: Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. The second thing-- more important than Chemindus’ profits-- you’re going to see a mass transmigration of humans to bipedal apes. What’s the human population of the world?

Bumhartle: About fifty trillion.

Blottle: More than that, certainly.

Bogspoon: And the bipedal ape population is what, three hundred million? So if even, at a conservative estimate, twenty percent of humans in the world choose to take Rosterthreadilookedatum, we’re looking at a growth in Bipedaleen population of three million percent.

Zingo: That ridiculous.

Bogspoon: No it’s not. Divide ten trillion by three hundred million, it’s three million percent.

Zingo: I not disputing your division, I disputing your premise.

Plokkle: You’ll have chance to do that soon, Zingo. Bogspoon, time’s up. Any final word?

Bogspoon: Just that I’d like to know where the government stands on the question of citizenship for all these new bipedal apes we’re about to see.

Plokkle: Intriguing question. Next up, Professor Ms. Blottle.

Blottle: Yes, well, regardless of the question of citizenship, and I for one can’t fathom why a bunch of apes who’ve spent their entire lives as citizens of some other country would suddenly become Bipedaleen, in the nationalist sense, there’s a problem with the assumption that it’s even possible for humans to evolve into apes. Whatever this Rosterthreadilookedatum does, it can’t be causing accelerated evolution, because bipedal apes are not a later evolutionary step for humans.

Humans and neanderthals evolved from a common ancestor some twenty or thirty thousand years ago, and after humans eliminated the neanderthals through their superior aggressiveness and, possibly, some technological advantages-- although Neanderthal intelligence was, as nearly as we can estimate, very very similar to human intelligence-- humans were the only sentient species until the bipedal apes evolved, about a thousand years ago. That’s assuming that you exclude the semi-existent species like elves and dwarves.

The fossil record, not to mention biological examination, shows that bipedal apes share many traits in common with gorillas, and although there is clearly a missing link or two, it’s likely that we evolved from a group of gorillas inhabiting the central veldt of what is now the RBA.

Glunkspot: Hogwash!

Plokkle: You’ll have your chance in moment, Reverend. Professor, your time’s about up. Any last thoughts?

Blottle: Oh dear. I haven’t even made my point yet. Well, to summarize briefly, if Rosterthreadilookedatum is causing humans to become bipedal apes, it must be causing some devolution, followed by a re-volution along a different evolutionary path.

Plokkle: Fascinating theory. Time’s up. Reverend Glunkspot?

Glunkspot: Evolution? Schmevolution! Everyone know Bejeezus re-created apes in her own image to befuddle Beelzebub. There no ‘fossil record,’ except one Bejeezus and apostles buried in ground for us to find. There not one piece of evidence that humans, apes, or anybody else, evolved all on their own through some kind of magical self-creation process. That not even common sense. How could world create itself? Hah!

Even evolutionists can’t construct logical argument about how bipedal apes ‘evolved’ from stupid apes. They make up stories about ‘missing links’ and ‘DNA’ to cover for fact that ‘evolution’ doesn’t make sense. Re-creation scientists, on other hand, have logical theories based on Book of Bejeezus that clearly follow established holy scripture.

Now, only way Rosterthreadilookedatum can be turning humans into bipedal apes is if Bejeezus wills it. Therefore, Rosterthreadilookedatum must be somehow tapping into deep-seated desire in human superego to accept Bejeezus and undergo ultimate transformation to most holy, i.e., ape, form.

Plokkle: Uh-huh. Any final thoughts, Reverend?

Glunkspot: Johnana 3:15. “For she gave her only unwanted child to Orphanage of Humanity, which raised it as its own, then crucified it for hell of it.” That deep metaphor. Think about it.

Plokkle: Undoubtedly. Next up, Bumhartle.

Bumhartle: What I want know is, did druid boy really turn into bipedal ape? That what I want know. TV ad said he turned into bipedal ape, but how closely we really saw him? He looked like gorilla to me. My theory: Rosterthreadilookedatum didn’t superevolve him at all. It devolved him. Like Professor Ms. Blottle’s theory, only without re-evolution at end.

Do we actually hear boy talk after transmigogrification? No. We see him walk? No. How we know he even bipedal? Maybe he walk on all fours like gorilla! Why? Because he is gorilla! Maybe.

Now, I not saying it impossible that Rosterthreadilookedatum turn humans into bipedal apes. I just saying, jury still out. Here we all jumping to conclusion that suddenly humans can become bipedal apes--

Zingo: Not all of us jumping to conclusion.

Bumhartle: --but maybe Rosterthreadilookedatum not such great thing after all. If it turning esteemed highly-evolved humans into less-evolved dumb apes, humans probably shouldn’t be taking it.

Bogspoon: Don’t be ridiculous! That’s slander against Chemindus!

Plokkle: Ladies, please stop butting in! You’re using up all the free-for-all time!

Bumhartle: I not sure it doing that, I just saying, you humans, you better be careful. Don’t rush into taking Rosterthreadilookedatum expecting to become bipedal apes. Maybe wait ‘til your neighbor take it first, and make sure she turn out okay.

Plokkle: Good advice. Any final thoughts?

Bumhartle: Um, no. Not really.

Plokkle: Great, then. Zingo, you’re up.

Zingo: Now, I sure all you ladies fine and esteemed great thinkers and whatnot. But frankly, you all acting like gullible dupes. Humans transmogrifying into apes? Bipedal or not, that utter poopycock. No drug makes one species evolve into another one. Professor Ms. Blottle, I surprised at you. You great evolutionary thinker; you of all apes should know evolution take thousands, even millions of years.

Blottle: I’m professor of Punctuated Equilibrium.

Zingo: What the difference?

Blottle: Go look it up.

Zingo: No, don’t think I’ll bother.

Blottle: The theory of Punctuated Equilibrium says that evolution happens in sudden spurts--

Zingo: Irrelevant!

Blottle: Not exactly--

Plokkle: Professor, please, hold your arguing for the free-for-all. If we still have time for it.

Zingo: Yes, can it, Professor. Point is, this druid human not turning into any kind of ape. Not bipedal ape, not gorilla. It special effect. Probably done with puppets, or computer.

Bumhartle: What this ‘computer’ of which you speak?

Zingo: That not important now. Point is, when druids make TV commercials, they can make all kinds fake things look real. Like Moon landing.

Bogspoon: The druids landed a woman on the moon?

Zingo: Some human country claims they did, anyway.

Blottle: Actually, depending on which newspaper you read, there may be human, elven, and dwarven colonies on all the planets.

Glunkspot: Planets?! Planets! There can’t be colonies on planets, the planets just chunks of glowing rock in firmament. Bejeezus put them there for us to see!

Zingo: You an idiot, Reverend.

Glunkspot: What! Why! You heathen punk!

Plokkle: Looks like free-for-all started.

Zingo: I recommend all you apes go back and watch that commercial again. See if you actually see any evidence the druid actually turned into ape. It all just effects, I tell you.

Blottle: You can’t know that. Has anyone actually analyzed the composition of Rosterthreadilookedatum?

Zingo: Sugar pills.

Bumhartle: Really?

Bogspoon: She doesn’t know that.

Glunkspot: You all going to hell! I’ll see to it personally!

Plokkle: And on that pleasant note it’s time to cut to commercials of our own. After the break, Bigsmattle and Drunkdrunkle will be discussing the possible merits of alcohol addiction.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Army of Darkness visits RBA

By Bonga

Bananapolis-- With Two-Footers coming off one-nil victories over esteemed humans of Clavis and Flatulent Islands, last night’s match against Deadites of Dedostan proved squad’s most harrowing challenge so far in World Cup 24 qualifiers. Skeletal undead humans arrived in Bananaville last week, rising from earth in Bananaville Copacetic Cemetery to screams of horrified onlookers. No one was injured by flesh-craving zomboids, though it is rumored that Deadites paid for bus tickets to Bananapolis with expired credit cards.

Deadite players experienced inordinate number of injuries during warmups throughout week, as numerous fleshless limbs broke off on impact with footie balls. Late in week Deadite trainers in consultation with Two-Footer head physician Gluppert developed strategy of wrapping players’ limbs in stickytape, which improved resilience remarkably. With Deadites now resembling extremely undernourished silver-grey Michelin men, practices began in earnest.

Match itself was somewhat of let-down, as Deadites handled selves remarkably well on pitch, with no one breaking apart into little bits despite many hard kicks and tackles by Two-Footers. Undead strikers Tyler King and Ken Pritchard led decent but not overwhelming attack, each managing several shots on goal. Greatest threat came from center middie Tom Wood, whose kicks were remarkably strong for skeleton with no evident musculature.

Deadite defense was stronger than expected, as bony backs proved adept at getting their stickytape in front of ball. Only goal of match came late, on seventy minutes as Barsoom netted her first of campaign. Despite first match in which he did not score, Tribuana played well, getting assist on Barsoom’s goal and generally making nuisance of self with late defenders.

Some trouble came after match, as Deadites tried to exit country via Bananapolis Bejeezusian Cemetery but had difficulty descending into earth while wrapped in stickytape. Removing tape proved to be extremely difficult, requiring services of entire Girl Ape Scout troop 114, who have now performed entire quota of good deeds for next three years.

Final score:
Republic of Bipedal Apes 1 (Barsoom, 70)
Republic of Dedostan 0

2005-08-20

Bedistan Lions take out PopularFreedom Sharks 2-0
Peruvo showing effects of jetlag in World Cup debut.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - The Bedistan Lions roared while ripping the Sharks to shreads despite the Sharks having their top players on the field for this tilt. Still feeling the effects of the flight from The Heartland, the PopularFreedom starters seemed to be not as energized as normal which possibly hurt their ability to score and defend throughout the game.

The game itself started off lacklusterly on the field despite the roar in the stands. The Sharks fans came out in full support of their side and by the 15th minute it seemed that their influence was actually helping to influence the play on the field.

Despite the Bedistan skilled play it was the Sharks who got the first good scoring chance. The Lions running a 4-4-2 formation seemed to be wearing down under the constant attack of the Sharks until attacking midfielder John Collins was able to get a pass and quickly sneak around defender Ryan Talbot to get a shot which Bedistan goalie Tom Pratt got a hand on as the ball was headed for the left corner. The subsequent corner was easily cleared by the Lions defenders though moments later Talbot was quickly yanked in favour of Lauren Gunn on defense after his miscue.

The game remained scoreless throughout the first half where no team truly dominated. The Sharks squad having a few chances and the Lions likewise getting a few shots on net though no good scoring chances except the Collins shot in the 15th minute really stood out.

In the second half the Lions really came out flying. In the 47th minute Peruvo took a cornerkick for the Sharks in the Lions end. It arched towards the net and was caught by Pratt who quickly booted it up the field to left midfielder Zack Martínez. With the Sharks having their entire seven midfielders along with Peruvo their forward within the box region of the Lions, the Lions led by Martínez had a huge opportunity presented to them which they did not squander.

Accompanying Martinez were Lloyd Roberts and Tara Stalls on midfield, plus forwards Alejandro Vantrease, and Tony Orr. In full sprint these 5, led by Martinez quickly beared down on the three remaining Shark defenders, while the other Sharks hustled in vain to catch up. Martinez flew down the left wing until finally defender Frank Villancio committed to him. Just before reaching him Martinez kicked a 15 foot pass to Roberts who was already behind Villancio. Roberts then quickly sprinted with the ball towards the box before crossing the ball in front of the net. With the remaining defenders on the Lion forwards while Villancio was bearing down on Roberts, Tara Stalls was able to collect the pass and launch it past a diving Shark goaltender for the opening score in the 48th minute.

As the Bedistan players along with their supporters celebrated their opening goal, Shark goaltender Peter Locart held up his hands as he shrugged his shoulders as if to note what could he do in that situation.

The Sharks seemed a bit rattled by the goal at the restart and the Lions took full advantage of this quickly stripping Peruvo of the ball and controlling the play for the next 5 minutes straight. The Lions did not have any really great scoring chances but one could see that the Sharks were beginning to tire.

In the 53rd minute Glen Owens was substituted on for an exhausted Greg Prustelik at attacking midfielder. This seemed to spark the Sharks back into the game as Owens was able to help collect the ball in midfield and march the Sharks back into the Lions end where they held control of the play until the 60th minute.

In the 60th minute with the Sharks controlling the play in the Lions zone, an errant pass to a defender was picked up by a streaking Lion forward who got through the Sharks defense and was off. Tony Orr proved deceptively fast as no Shark could catch him as he rushed headon towards the Shark net. As he neared the Shark goal the Locart rushed out to force the play. Orr kicked a brillant up and over which just careened over the outstretched arms of Locart and under the bar into the net. Orr pointed towards the net with satisfaction as he ran towards the roaring Lions supporters in the stands as Locart could only look back towards the net while holding his head in his hands in agony.

On the restart the Sharks tried to force the play but by now the Lions were playing extremely defensive and were booting the ball out of their zone every chance they got.

In the 83rd minute Shawn Peruvo substituted off and was replaced by midfielder William Welsh while Sharks changed to a 3-7-0 formation. This change however had little to no effect on the play and was probably done to allow Peruvo to rest while getting Welsh more playing time.

As the final whistle sounded the Lion fans were cheering while the Shark fans were streaming out. In the background one could hear the small group of Raven fans (crosstown rivals of the North Beach Sharks), still unhappy about the Sharks representing the nation, chanting, 'RAAAAAAAAAAAVENS, WE'RE THE BEST, WE'LL BEAT THE SHARKS AND WE'LL BEAT THE REST! RAAAAAAAAAAAVENS, WE'RE THE BEST, WE'LL BEAT THE SHARKS AND WE'LL BEAT THE REST!...'

2005-08-20

Johan Jodoski suspended minimum 1 year.
Suspension follows World Cup incident in Audioslavia game (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9476771&postcount=140).

Loyalty Bay, PopularFreedom - The governing body of the Bay Football League (BFL), including those responsible for organizing the national team, have officially announced the suspension of 19 year old Johan Jodoski, 'from all national, regional, and international football for a period of not less than one year after which the defendent must present himself before a board of inquiry to determine whether he is fit to return to the sport at that time'.

While extremely harsh, the penalty in the viewpoint of the BFL was preliminary until the extent of the injury to the Audioslavia player is known. This judgment effectively bars Johan Jodoski from playing in any football club of any kind in the nation.

After the ruling Mr. Jodoski was unwilling to comment though a spokeperson for him noted, in typical Jodoski rhetoric, that, 'Johan Jodoski will be back to serve his nation proud once his nation can find it within their heart to allow the best player in the world to play for them'. One BFL officially when asked to respond to the quote from the Jodoski spokesperson quipped, 'he got it wrong, it should be the biggest ego in the world'.

2005-08-20-BREAKING NEWS

FIGHTS BY POPULARFREEDOM FOOTBALL FANS AT KRYTENIA BARS
LAND 31 IN JAIL.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - Fights between fans of the North Beach Sharks, representing the PopularFreedom nation, and their crosstown rivals the Pleasantview Ravens have landed 31 citizens in jail and have again disgraced the nation.

Apparently the brawls happened at a number of pubs in the nation of Krytenia, one of the hosts of the football World Cup. Shark fans apparently upset at the results of today's loss by PopularFreedom were being taunted by Raven fans which started the confrontations.

No comment has been issued as of yet by the Prime Minister's Office though the Bay Football League, representing the national team, noted that they would be pressing the Prime Minister that all PopularFreedom citizens involved in such incidents be stripped of their passports for life.

Casari4Sport

3-2 Loss still inspires hope
"We're in a group of haves and have-nots."

Casart lost in the nation of Kipto-mare yesterday, reducing their World Cup record to 1-0-2 for 3 points.

"Our group is definately a group of those who have the power, and those who don't." Manager hill said, looking jetlagged after the flight back to Casari.

The starters remained the same for this game, after the day before's stellar performance.

The game featured Kipto-Mare scoring in both the 31st and 44th minute from 8 and 14 yards respectively, on a tired looking Confed defense. Substitutions of #11 Oliver and #21 Nelson at halftime improved the team's chances considerably, allowing Casari to get their first goal in the 56th minute, off a Ronalo header inside the box and in the 75th minute by a Pilot deflection of a well-aimed Shihairi free kick.

However, inexperience proved the downfall of Casari today, when Nelson drew a Yellow card in the closing minutes of the game, and Kipto-Mare scoring on the ensuing penalty.

"Winning at home is our goal. We need to hold here in the middle of the table and prove we can compete." The staff repeated, further emphasizing their goals for the competition.

Casari completes their tour of the top of the group tomorrow, facing Five Civilized Nations at home.

"I thought there were some new teams in this group." Defenseman Nelson said to reporters. "We're starting to wear out against the competition."

Outside the PopularFreedom Sharks hotel rooms a number of drunken Pleasantview Raven fans (the rivals of the North Beach Sharks - the team currently representing PopularFreedom) gather and begin to sing loudly and off key.

(sung to the tune of Jingle Bells, a little slower than the original, a bit slurry, and really really LOUD)
-----------------------------------------
We have a crappy team
Which suck so much it seems
They cannot score a goal
They just hit soccer polls

Peruvo cannot play
Locart never ever saves
and big-mouth Jo-do-ski is gone
sus-pen-sion all the way

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

JINGLE BELLS
THIS IS HELL
OUR-TEAM REALLY SUCKS!

WORLD CUP 24 IS HERE
AND-OUR TEAM IS SO F*****!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SHARKS JUST STINK
THEY ARE DINKS
THEY'RE-SLOWER THAN A SNAIL

THEY NEVER WIN A GAME
AND THEY FOR-E-VER WILL FAIL

(song repeated over and over until riot police gather and then march towards the drunks from the side firing tear gas cannisters at them until they disperse)

Stars beat Brazillico 2-0

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- The Sarzonian national football team hosted one of the world's storied football sides in Brazillico, but the side taking the pitch opposite the Stars was a far cry from the legendary teams that once terrorised the sport. The team was returning to football after a long layoff due to internal strife and the Stars took advantage, getting an own goal and a goal from defender Trevor Crenshaw and winning 2-0.

"We haven't rounded into the kind of form we expect to yet," Coach Dave Wilson said. "That's a cause for concern and we want to iron out the kinks. We've only got one more match against a team that we should be expected to defeat fairly handily."

Sarzonia (3-0-0, nine points) led the possession battle 54 minutes to 46 for Brazillico and outshot their opponents 14-12, with a 9-6 advantage in shots on goal, but the Stars had to sweat out a stretch of six minutes in the second half when Brazillico looked like they would take an improbable 1-0 lead. However, goalkeeper Horace Sandt was equal to the task, turning aside two Maicer Baptista shots in the 52nd and 54th minutes.

The Stars finally cracked the scoreboard in the 61st minute, though it was due to a mistake on Brazillico's end, not through their own doing. Defender Julio Hodges mishit an attempted clearance and the ball caromed off the woodwork and behind a startled Brazillico goalkeeper Cone Leroux.

Leroux and Hodges declined to comment when a reporter asked the players to describe the play. Forward Kenny Cooper, in for an injured Brian Wilson, said the play was "freakish.

"I don't think I've ever seen a clear go that bad," he said.

Cooper contributed to the sequence that saw Crenshaw score his first goal of this World Cup qualifying campaign. Crenshaw came in for forward Barry Alphonso as the team shifted to a 4-5-1 that Dave Wilson said was in response to his son's injury. Brian Wilson injured his ankle trying for a clearance and the team's trainer said he would be "doubtful" for the match against Disjoepia.

Cooper victimised Hodges, who looked every bit the part of a World Cup novice and sent a shot that Leroux parried to his right, but straight to the boot of Crenshaw, who finished like an experienced forward instead of a defender called upon to play midfield due to injury.

"You have to take advantage of chances when you get them," Crenshaw said. "That's what I did."

The Stars are hoping to continue that pattern throughout the rest of this World Cup qualifying campaign.

Vikings on cruise control, slide 4 past Prince Aidan, Lamar earns second clean sheet

The crowd was very loud, in the sold out Slope Stadium in Phonecia. 48,000 fans were pleased with the result. Powell Lamar was on form today, stopping everything without even breaking a sweat despite the extreme heat of the day, Dave Daniels and Mike Nolan scored one goal each and Larry Brown put forth two goals in an all around excellent performence. Prince Aidan was never really in the match at all losing 4-0.

Prince Aidan obtained control of the ball early, but could not get a goal in early. They had a forward come up for an early shot, but Lamar showed a little dazzle for the crowd. Instead of just catching the ball, Lamar kicked it straight back past the forward and towards midfield. The loose ball was recovered by a PA midfielder, but he was quickly challenged by Jason Mitchell, who knocked it away towards Terrence McAllister. McAllister took a shot from about 25 feet out, but it hit the crossbar and was deflected back to Nolan, who kicked it past the PA keeper for a 1-0 lead in the 11th minute. Three minutes later a booking of a PA defender lead to a penelty shot that Brown nailed down, a chip over the keeper, for a 2-0 lead. But Brown was not finished with the scoring for the half. In the 38th minute, a lobbed up pass from Hud Lawson found its way to Brown's head, and then into the goal. After that display the crown was estatic. But there was no more action for the half, as the Vikings pulled back and just waited out the half.

At the start of the second half, it was again Prince Aidan who was trying to come up and prduce a goal. But like before, Lamar was on top of it. He made his best save of the day when he punched out a weakly hit shot back and hit the forward. The second half was not as exciting as the first though, as the Vikings just maintained possession of the ball. Daniels did not make his goal until the 76th minute. A cutback put him past one keeper and then a pass and passback from Nolan left him alone against the keeper in the box. Brown juked left and shot right, leaving the PA keeper wondering what happened. PA had one more attempt though, with a midfielder taking a shot out from more than 30 yards, but it was caught by Lamar without much problem.

With the win, the Vikings keep second place in the group. Next up for Fmjphoenix is off to Tallionis. They are down at the bottom of the group with no wins or draws, only 3 loses. Should be a walkover, but you can never know such things. The Vikings will show up with Golden Cafetiere and all, everything up and ready to roll. On another note, the FAF has recieved and accepted the apology from the NFA and send thanks. Shelly has taken the time to be able to sit back and reflect on what she is doing form the injury. It may have been for the better, not the worse.

Fmjphoenix Goal Scorers:
Nolan 5
Daniels 2
Brown 2
McAllister 1
Grimm 1

Fmjphoenix's World Cup 24 Qualification:
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Geisenfried Draw 2-2
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ Naleoospalakintula Win 5-0
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Prince Aidan Win 4-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Tallionis
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Starblaydia
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Harlesburg
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Finrods
---------------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Geisenfried
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs Naleoospalakintula
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Prince Aidan
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Tallionis
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Starblaydia
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Harlesburg
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Finrods
Record: 2-1-0

The Nedalia Lions

Lions Reveal Killer Bite, Defeat Tonissia 5 - 0

Any doubt about the Nedalia Lions attacking potential was quickly put to rest today after they thoroughly thrashed Tonissia 5 - 0, leaving them on top of their group with 9 points from 3 games. Any suggestion that the slow start to the campaign againt Paxilia would be a trend to be followed can now be brushed aside if Nedalia continues to put forth such games, commented manager Randy Gamman.

"They didn't play bad, quite the contrary. I think Tonissia played a very controlled, very efficient game, but we were just clicking today. When our effectiveness matches our obvious desire to play sexy, there can be no stopping us, and today was such a day. The defense managed to keep every counterattack under control, and going forward we had the bite to match the bark. But this is just one game out of many, and considering we're only 3 games into the campaign, we cant get cocky yet. One loss and we're right back to where we started. We have some very tough teams in the group who we havent faced yet, and we gotta practice real hard if we wanna keep up with them," said the manager.

Indeed, from the get-go, it was Nedalia who took control, and the fans in Kafra International Stadium had to wait only 7 minutes to begin their celebrations. Cutting through two defenders, Innit Point dished out a fabulous pass to striker Chris Yamtech, who simply tapped the ball in to the back of the net. When the 21st minute came around, Point decided it was he who was going to score, striking the ball about 15 meters out into the top left corner, giving Nedalia a score it would carry into halftime.

The second half began as the first did, with Nedalian attacks. The third goal came through right back Hans Lamm, who headed the ball in from a corner at the 60th minute mark. Andrew Blod came in to the game with 25 minutes to go, but quickly made his mark, scoring twice, in the 77th minute and in the 88th minute, rounding up a fantastic performance by the Nedalians.

Sunday 21st August 2005
Dear diary...

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside,
Oh I do like to be beside the seeeeea!

Seriously though, has someone started a babysitter service in my name without telling me? First I got lumbered with Tiddles amd Little Nerys (until we got chucked out the hotel, that is), and now I have to look after my little sister Silli. So here I am, writing my diary and taking a little timeout on the beach here in Akani Sands whilst she tries to impress me with her sandcastle-building skills. Aww look, she's putting shells on it now. How sweet. Sorry, that didn't come out the way I wanted it - I'll try again. How sweet.

Being the little crybaby she is, she insisted on sitting on the team bench for the whole game. The boss, being the big softy that he is, let her. She spent most of the game playing with Tiddles, although she did get upset in the second half - I scored but the linesman disallowed the goal saying that I was offside. She got so upset, she went over and called him a 'vewwy nasty man'. Heh, that told him.

The game itself was easier than we thought it was going to be. Yours truly scored in the very first minute - 17 seconds to be exact. Me and Hardy took the kick-off and slipped it back to Conni, who winged it to Geraint for one of his little dashes up the wing. One cross and one volley later, and it's one-nil to the Aroras!

It soon became clear that the Lions were definately not of the same attacking prowess of the Nedalian or Bedistani kind - I think the seven man defence had something to do with it. Luckily we stuck with the 4-2-4 formation, and with Geraint and Amir getting forward well, we were able to pretty much set up camp in their half.

Judson put us two up after 15. A huge kick from Ricardo was flicked on by John Harding, and that put him clear even though the back seven were trying (and failing) to play him offside. A little shimmy here, a little shimmy there, and York's rounded the keeper and ran it into the net.

Our third came when I took a shot which came off a defender's hand - Lazaro something or other I think he was called. Luckily he didn't get sent off - I've seen red cards handed out for that kind of thing, it's a bloody joke. Anyway, up stepped Geraint to take the penalty, and its 3-0 to us.

The second half was more of the same, although we stepped down a gear seeing as we already had the game won. We all had a few chances, but it was me who finally got the fourth near the end. The back seven (heh - I'll never tire of seeing that... I hope the Audioslavians and Bedistanis play like that against us - we might just stand a chance) were faffing around just inside the half, so I got in there and nicked it from them. I saw the keeper was well off his line having a rant at his team, so I thought to myself "Hello... shall I have a go from here?" The answer, rather predictably, was yes.

I hooked the ball up towards the goal. Everything seemed to go in slow-motion, like in one of those sports movies. The ball s-l-o-w-l-y spins through the air, the keeper scrambles backwards with a look of desperation on his face, someone in the crowd shouts "Y-E-E-S-S" in a hilarously distorted slo-mo voice, and then... then the ball dips under the crossbar, just out of reach of the despairing goalie's outstretched fingertips, and gently bounces it's way into the net.

All of a sudden, everything is back at normal speed. The stadium erupts into a cacophony of noise, the team are all around me, hugging me and congratulating me, the fans are going wild.

And then my darling little sister comes up and gives me a big sloppy kiss, live on national telly. Oh, the humiliation.

Ah well. 4-0 will do vey nicely. Apparently thats our biggest win since that glorious night in Vilita when we put seven past Corneliu in the BofF final. Lets hope we can carry on like that in Kurumada, but without the arora smuggling shenannigans.

Bettia 4 (Hutton 1 83, York 15, Carew 39 pen)
San-Lorenzo 0

MD1: Bettia 1-1 PopularFreedom (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD2: Viszonia 1-3 Bettia
MD3: Bettia 4-0 San-Lorenzo (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD4: Kurumada vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Kericia (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD6: Audioslavia vs Bettia
MD7: Bedistan vs Bettia
MD8: PopularFreedom vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Viszonia (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: San-Lorenzo vs Bettia
MD11: Bettia vs Kurumada (Thamitra Gate, Tamrida)
MD12: Kericia vs Bettia
MD13: Bettia vs Audioslavia (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)
MD14: Bettia vs Bedistan (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

Jeruselem Government News

World Cup XXIV update 3 - Group 7 top 2 streamroll on

World Cup XXIV match day 3 for Group VII. Any shocks? Any surprises? Yes and No.

0-0 Is Evil continued their not-so-good form but then they were playing the might Crystils. As expected, the result was lopsided with the Crystils cruising to 3-0 victory to stay ahead of the madding crowd.

The boys from Southern Manchester (not Manchester United) took on Jeruselem in a test of their ability against quality teams. They learned a real lesson and got smacked like naughty boys 3-0 against a World Cup veteran who's seen it all before.

Haperd needed a win, but once again Ruventsoria took a point away from higher ranked opponent. The two all draw still leaves Ruventsoria 2nd last and Haperd 3rd.

Hypocria - the U21C18 finalists - are having a bad time. They played Klakistany and well should have got something. Instead Klakistany claimed a well earned 2-0 win to join the three other teams with 1 win each.

It's looking like Haperd need to get going while Jeruselem and the Crystils run away as the crowd is chasing them. This group is tight with many teams underperforming and others overperforming under the top 2. The stats are clear with Jeruselem and Crystilakere having the best offenses and defenses. The bottom teams are doing well - conceding relatively low amount of goals per game. FOUR teams can get 3rd spot but can the current veterans show fight and beat away the pretenders.

Group 7
Crystilakere 3 - 0 0-0 Is Evil
Jeruselem 3 - 0 Southern Manchester
Haperd 2 - 2 Ruventsoria
Hypocria 0 - 2 Klakistany


Group 7 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Jeruselem 3 3 0 0 8 1 9 +7
Crystilakere 3 2 1 0 9 2 7 +7
Haperd 3 1 2 0 5 4 5 +1
Southern Manchester 3 1 0 2 2 5 3 -3
Hypocria 3 1 0 2 2 4 3 -2
Klakistany 3 1 0 2 2 6 3 -4
Ruventsoria 3 0 2 1 5 6 2 -1
0-0 Is Evil 3 0 1 2 2 7 1 -5

OOC: allow me some weirdness! Your 'roster' is great for conspiracy theories.

From the Na~ovi National

Baniero JuMeh triumfera

The Orange-Blues defeated Poppuli by a 2:0 score. This time, the Orange-Blues stopped all attacking after having created this lead and from then on only concentrated on their defense. We have no ideas who the players were, who played for the dictatorship of Poppuli, but there is a certain indication that they are not humans. The players were wearing ski masks the entire time and that in the tropical heat of Rejistania. When number 12 was fouled something strange metallic was seen. as if paint was scratched, which conceals that number 12 is not human at all*. Of course, if one player is not-human, the others are too.

Despite their being robots, they played worse than the holographic national team of Rejistania in world cup 15. Their defense was shaky at best and their attack could be easily outsmarted every time. Their repetitive patterns of attacking are another proof for being robots. Defender(!) Vejin Jara scored the 1:0 in the 18th minuet in a counter-attack. the defensive error here can be explained well, if the robots were programmed to mark the forwards, not the defenders - or if it was a simple misunderstanding in the defense. Nana Sejil was not bad when he increased the score in the 25th minute. After this one counter-attack and one attack, the match was wonderfully karelan! No single attack from the Orange-Blues! The Orange-Blues caused every attack of the Poppulis to end unsuccessfull, they stopped the attacks quickly and well.

*OOC: The Na~ovi National is infamous for making up fake news, you are free to RP a lawsuit against them.

A list of messages from the Progressa TeleSport message boards following Kaze Progressa's 3-2 victory in Wella

WTSH? I really thought we were going to lose against a team of Wella's quality especially after behind behind twice. Bring on the n00bs! [faiw34eva]

Nonbi Olog - THE NEXT SANI LUVO!!!! thanks 4 the 2 goals m8 [alun1337]

Don't get carried away. We still conceded five to Rejistania. We're still below Jewish Citizens in the table. We still suck. [lus3rw1nn3r]

What a brilliant equaliser from Olog, lobbing the keeper from 30 yards - he's going to be the latest great Progressan striker. Is it now obscene to suggest we might qualify? [mister_fantasia]

I suspect we'll now be accused of godmodding by the international community. Probably accurately. [resident_cynic]

A victory for attacking football. Can't wait to play Rejistania in Kaza now. But first, we've got Eauz to stop and a bunch of newbie nations to annihilate. KP TO QUALIFY!!! [souperstar19]

This is our dream coming true after the nightmare of Rejistania. I just hope we don't lose to the newcomers now. This ought not to be a fluke... [deep_blue_nothing]

BRING ON THE N00BS!!!! WE WILL DESTROY J00 ALL!!!! [save_aquilla]

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

ELRICH TROUNCED BY HOCKEY CANADA
Hockey Canada 4 - Elrich 1

The Kingdom of Elrich suffered their worst ever defeat with a limp performance against Hockey Canada. The Canadians were all over Elrich from the off, with the away side barely mustering to put three passes together. Hockey Canada were good, but Elrich were pathetic, defensively a shambles with no invention going forward it was lucky the score remained at only 4-1. A late free kick from Elrich was only a minor consolation, with the game already over at 4-0, and it happened to be the Badger's only shot on target. Gordon Burns was brilliant in goal but received no help from his defenders. Following defeats to Vilita and Oglethorpia, Elrich are now three matches without a point and it looks as if World Cup Qualification is a distant dream. Mike Bassett was angry with the performance,

"Our fans have travelled all the way here, paid alot of money and given all they've got for our team, and we did nothing to repay them. I would like to apologise to the fans for that shocking performance. The players were shocking, and I've told them that, I don't mind losing to good sides but to play the way we did, with no passion, no effort and no commitment is unacceptable. There will be changes."

Elrich host Svecia next up in a sellout at the newly opened Elrich Arena. Hopefully the capacity crowd can inspire them onto victory, because it appears as if Bassett in the opening games, has failed to do so.

Elrich : Burns, Scott, Adams (Hodgins 45), P Spinks (N'Stein 65), Jones, Allen (Nudge 80), Zebedee, J Spinks, Banks, Elrich, Singh-Queen

GRAHAM CITY SUN - Stars respond to shaky performance with beating of Milchama

GRAHAM CITY - After a very, very shaky performance against the unranked Liverpoolian squad, manager Gary Johnson had a chat with some of the players had been performing well below their par, namely Jozef Gregor and Aleksander Konstandin. Today, they responded with beautiful play with captain Westley Stjepan resting for the next four games, all of which will be crucial, especially the games against Nova Britannicus and Pedriana. Their passing was beautiful, manuevering deftly to give the Stars a huge 71% possesion rate over the entire game.

Rich Blythe also play a magnificent game scoring both strikes in the victory over Milchama. But something that has really surprised me over the course of this qualification is the sheer extreme expectations that Milchama seems to have of their team. Qualifying over us? Not happening. This team is way to promising and way too talented to even consider failing that miserably against the lowly, but improving Milchaman squad. A message to Milchama: just get off it. Don't expect to qualifying for another cup or two.

Liverpoolian [-] 2 - 3 The Lowland Clans[40]
Westley Stjepan (32, 69)
Gary Park (45)

The Lowland Clans[40] 2 - 0 Milchama [93]
Rich Blythe (43, 80)

PRE-GAME SCORELINE PREDICITON
Dauna Hills [147] 0 - 3 The Lowland Clans[40]
Watch for breakout play from Iason Spyridon, whose efforts up front have yet to be rewarded.

Matchday 1: The Lowland Clans[40] 2 - 0 System Karela [-]
Matchday 2: Liverpoolian [-] 2 - 3 The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 3: The Lowland Clans[40] 2 - 0 Milchama [93]
Matchday 4: Dauna Hills [147] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 5: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Pedriana [69]
Matchday 6: Nova Britannicus [23] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 7: Turori [9] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
--------------------------------------------------
Matchday 8: System Karela [-] vs The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 9: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Liverpoolian [-]
Matchday 10: Milchama [93] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 11: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Dauna Hills [147]
Matchday 12: Pedriana [69] vs. The Lowland Clans[40]
Matchday 13: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Nova Britannicus [23]
Matchday 14: The Lowland Clans[40] vs. Turori [9]

bsdshorts
a publication of the Bedistan Sports Digest

3 matches, 9 points, all as expected

The Bedistan Lions have so far faced relatively new and unknown opposition, and they have seemed up to the task, notching three wins and seven goals, while Tom Pratt holds a 283-minute-long (including added time) clean sheet. The road gets tougher from here on out though, especially heading toward the Audioslavia and Bettia matches. Manager Mike Davidson is confident, however, that his team's good form will continue.

The Lions are first in their group on nine points, two ahead of Bettia and surprises Kericia, and three ahead of fourth-placed Audioslavia.

OOC: sorry for the almost nonexistent RP, been extremely busy the last few days. This should straighten out a bit later this week.

Beaten But Not Silenced.
Shearer Heaven Hammered By Insancians

Heres the highlights of the match.



12th Minuite
The game was looking dull until Alan Shearer recieved a brilliant lay off by B.Marjoram and unloaded, the shot smacked off the post and a soon as this happened the insancians ran forward. An extremely fast Insancian sprinted forward and lifted the ball over the onrushing J.Marjoram, who even though was on the ground somehow got up and punched the ball high(the ball only 1 inch from the line) but the Insancian striker just headered the ball straight in.


29th Minuite

A.Norton sprinted forward and absolutely smacked the ball over the Insancian keeper, but unluckily a Insancian defender was on the line and he volleyed the ball out.


37th Minuite A Corner Swung in was caught by J.Marjoram but Forsyth was going to header the ball when it was caught and was unable to stop himself from running into Marjoram who dropped the ball and slammed his head into the post,The Ball Trickled into the net.J.Marjoram Took off And Replaced by Given.(Marjoram Cracked Head.)


47th Minuite A.Emre gets past two Insancian defenders by using flashy tricks and sets up I.Marjoram who slams a beautiful cross in and A.Nortons Header was just past the post.

53rd Minuite

Counter Attack by Insancians

Same Insancian forward who chipped J.Marjoram gets through Magpies Defence and slams shot bound for top corner Given performs heroic save

54th Minuite
Strong Insancian midfeilder pushes his marker(Perkins) over smashes volley in.


60th Minuite
Speedy Insancian Forward Rushes through defence smacks ball for the bottom-left corner Given saves with lovely dive but didnt catch ball(should of)
ball cleared by Perkins.


65th Minuite

Given catches Ball from Insancian cross but then drops, and Insancian forward shoots and ball cleared off line by Perkins.

70th Minuite
Norton runs forward passes to S.Rutherford who smashes a volley which hits of crossbar and looks to be over the line,he celebrates but ref says not in.(replays show actually in)

80th Minuite B.Marjoram makes run,skins Insancian defence then about to shoot,pulled down by very bad tackle ref waves on(Marjoram Nearly injured)

88th minuite Nortons shot saved ball nearly at half way line ( hard save) I.Marjoram Smacks A Shot which hits of top left crossbar and barrels into the net breaking it a heroic goal but only consolation, I.Marjoram Peforms 15 Somersault-2 Rolly Polly,Cleansman Celebration.

After the game Shearer Said
Well we were trounced first half but in the 70th minuite and after we played magnificent and Ian Marjorams Goal Was the best goal i have ever seen and i think the hard feelings are gone between the teams(EH BOTH TEAMS SHAKING HANDS!"!!!!!????) Bye.

A Draw Can be a Blessing...sometimes

Sonaron, August 21, - It was a wet, rainy, day in the soccer powerhouse that some people call Atlantian Oceania. The team from the Republic of Sonaron were fairly confident; they were playing a team which had not yet scored a goal in the Qualifiers, and a team that was ranked 138th in the world. They would be very disappointed.

The Sonaron team came upon the field with a mixture of happiness and easiness in their manner. They knew this would be and easy game, one that would be a breeze. They needed to win, however, if they were to keep up with Kipto-Mare in the competition for the third slot in Group 5, a race between the 44th and 48th seeds. "They were all laughin' and jumpin', thinkin' this game would be as easy as pie." Goalkeeper Deron Smithes commented. "We wanted to beat them, just to shut them up!"

The Yaforites huddled together, knowing that this game was vital to their advancing in ranking and prestige in the world. "I got the boys together, and gave them a - whachamacallit - pep-talk, yah that's it, a little pep-talk. Y'know, 'we gotta beat them' and such. We couldn't afford to lose at this stage." Captain Gerod Flamer said, with a glint in his eye. The midfielder felt that something special was going to happen.

Sixteen minutes passed by without incident and the Sonaran's initial optimism was fading. On the other hand, the YAforites were feeling empowered, knowing that Sonaron were not as good as their ranking suggested. However, that all changed on a corner kick that was easily headed in by the Sonaron team. "At that point, we just turned it on." Said star striker Fernando Malar, "We just started playing our heart's out."

It paid off in the 43', on a beautiful run my Malar himself. He was given a nice ball by Flamer, and had only one defender and the goalie to beat. Using a stop-and-go technique, his sped by the confused defender and made an easy shot. The roar from the visiting Yaforite fans was deafening. "It was an amazing moment." Malar said. "Scoring your countries' first ever goal in the World Cup, even in the qualifing, is something to remember."

-Excerpt from The Ajerite Sun.

MD4 (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9490731&postcount=4) scores up.

After a fashion.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt

They were San Lorenzo...
...We were Sans-Clue
Vilk's 'slaves disappoint again

Fact: Audioslavia don't have the prettiest of records against teams who have associations with Squornshelous.
Fact: Audioslavia have long since struggled against teams who play the infamous 'Karela' system.
Fact: The 'slaves are without their three first-choice strikers
Either way, Audioslavia were really looking for a win over the San Lorenzo side. For most of the game, it looked like they would.

The Team:
21:GK - Kyussi CIAKHINISEN
2: RB - Derry COLGAN
3: LB - David RAVEN
5: CB - Yevgeny SMASHNOV (sub 88, 19 - Ennio NERUDA)
6: CB - Aron CEULEMANS (c)
4: CM - Dietmar MUSSORGSKY (sub 86, 11 - Kelly TORRINI)
17: RW - Carlo TARRESTE
23:LW - Kabaofo ALANILA
7: RF - Taurxa JEROEN
14:LF - Nikki POLSSON
20:CF - Michael BRONDBY

Vilkaous attempted to keep the same shape for the San Lorenzo game, but with McCosstessey sidelined, Dvorak injured and Hellstrom dismissed, a certain amount of re-shuffling had to be done. Jeroen moved up from the right side of midfield to the right hand side of the strike-force, a wise and educated move by Vilkaous after Jeroen's free-scoring seasons in the Vilitan Stellar League. Carlo Tarreste came into the team to make up for the gap vacated by Jeroen. Elsewhere, Kyussi Ciakhinisen replaced Gabe Celta between the sticks after an impressive run in the counties league.

The 'slaves attacked San Lorenzo from the off, but thats unsurprising seeing as San Lorenzo's Karela system meant they pretty much backed up into their own half of their own accord. As usual, the 'slaves were finding it difficult to make any kind of inroad into the defence, and a couple of swiftly executed (but unsuccessful) counter-attacks by the Lorenzans slightly damaged the confidence of the Audioslavians. It would seem that the 'slaves would need a stroke of genius from one of the side's super-star players. Luckily, that moment of inspiration came as early as the forty-minute mark. A harsh tackle by Nguyen resulted in a free-kick right on the edge of the box, and a well-placed curling effort from Taurxa Jeroen put the 'slaves in the lead.

Its well documented that Karelan teams have trouble attacking, and aren't the best at coming from a goal down, so Audioslavia's decision to pull back into defence and test the San Lorenzans was seen as a good one, especially as, in the run up to half-time and the first half-hour of the second half, San Lorenzo did nothing paticularly threatening with the exception of a long-range shot from Abawi Wahid which caught Ciakhinisen napping but sailed over the bar.

The 'slaves soaked up the pressure well and began to try and counter-attack when they thought San Lorenzo were getting too far forward (i.e. five, or maybe even six players in the 'slaves half!), but their efforts mostly came to nothing. Indeed, it was one of these counter-attacks that would prove costly to the 'slaves.

In the eighty-second David Raven intercepted a mis-judged pass by Antonio Ferraro and made his way up the field. He played a one-two with Alanila but, upon trying a second one-two, gave the ball away himself to Lazaru Gebru. Gebru sprinted into the open space behind Raven, beat Ceulemans for pace down the left and, right at the byline, swung over a cross which evaded Smashnov's jump and fell to Wahid who volleyed the ball hard past a helpless Ciakhinisen.

Faced by the possibilty of losing two points which looked so certain earlier, the 'slaves threw everything they could into attack. Defensive midfielder Dietmar Mussorgsky was replaced by winger Kelly Torrini, before substitute striker Ennio Neruda came on for centre-half Yevgeny Smashnov in a last ditch effort to snatch the win back. However, the only chance the 'slaves could make against the ten-man San Lorenzo defence was a hastily taken shot from twenty-five yards from Alanila which sailed harmlessly over the bar.

FINAL SCORE
AUDIOSLAVIA 1 (Jeroen 41)
SAN LORENZO 1 (Wahid 82)


Group 11 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Bedistan 4 4 0 0 10 0 12 +10
Bettia 4 3 1 0 9 2 10 +7
Kericia 4 3 1 0 9 4 10 +5
Audioslavia 4 2 1 1 7 3 7 +3
Kurumada 4 1 0 3 1 5 3 -4
San-Lorenzo 4 0 2 2 3 10 2 -7
PopularFreedom 4 0 1 3 3 7 1 -4
Viszonia 4 0 0 4 2 13 0 -11

Two months ago before any matches were played, the 'slaves could have looked at the group with confidence. However, things look rather foreboding at the present. Granted, its early days and the 'slaves are fourth, but the only matches they've played have been against the bottom four nations, and their 2-1-1 record really isn't good enough. Also, its doesn't inspire confidence going into game five: Bedistan away. In what will be by the far the most difficult game the 'slaves will play in group eleven, they need to get a kick from somewhere. Anywhere. If Vilkaous can turn things around in time, i'm sure he'll make a few friends. McCosstessey will be back, which is good, and the 2-2-2-2-2 formation has been made illegal in Audioslavia, which is even better. Good luck to the 'slaves!

IBJJ, G'NB

IC:
Due to communication problems at KBS News International, the classified results sent to the international community for Groups Six through Twelve of today's matches were those from last week's games. The idiot who made this mistake has now been sacked.

New Montreal Presse-Journal Devoir

PALADINS DRAW AT SHERBROOKE

Roy dishes out Mexican, goal in draw against Lethislavania

SHERBROOKE - It's two hours before a World Cup game in front of over 120,000 rabid Paladins fans. You'd think starting forward Alain Roy would be a bit worried.

Not at all. Roy was sighted before the game dishing out burritos and fresh guac to his teamates from St-Arsene-les-Hautes-Bois. "He can serve out the Mexican and then go serve a bunch of nameless Lethislavanians. What more can you ask?" asked coach Jean-Rene Filon.

27 minutes into the first half, Roy put a pass from midfielder Maurice Charest past the Lethislavanian keeper. The opposing side tied it up just before the end of the half, and the second half turned into a string of failed NMS drives.

"Our offense got f*cked over harder than Paris Hilton on camera during the second half. Maybe we got bad gas from all those tortillas," said Filon. "We need to pick it up tomorrow against Taken Names."

TOMORROW

The Paladins host Taken Names at Patriot Stadium in Valdemont. Valdemont Acadien high school will represent the Paladins. Coach Filon said: "We've just finished with a really tough bunch of bastards for four games in a row, and now we have to keep our eyes on the prize, you know? Can't let these bastards sneak up on us, or else we'll look like a bunch of smacktarded, overconfident, hubristic bozos-morons-dipshits.

GROUP 3 UPDATES

Shearer Heaven tied the Paladins in fifth place after beating Spruitland. TnUI moved into sole command of first place with their win over Taken Names and the draw between Tadjikistan and Lox Land Island.

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU…

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE LEGENDARY JUAN TZIMISCES

By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

Juan Tzimisces. There can be few who remember the first four World Cups who can have forgotten the name of the now-retired captain of Alasdair I Frosticus and World Cup Hall of Fame member. But while few can forget, they also thought the name had long-since passed into legend. Recently, however, with the return of contact between the Dreamed Realm and physical reality, Tzimisces has returned to attention as the technical advisor to coach Kyrill, Metropolitan of Solovetsky, in the Archregimancy’s first-ever attempt to qualify for the first World Cup. And after a dodgy start, the tournament’s best team of footballing Orthodox monks finally seem to be coming good. Juan was kind enough to sit down for an interview after the recent home game against former tournament powerhouses Wella.

FN: Juan – I hope I can call you Juan – that was an excellent effort by the lads out on the pitch today.

JT: It was, wasn’t it? At 2-0 down at half time it looked over, but the never-say die spirit of our team really came through – not the first time we’ll have won a few converts that way.

FN: What do you think was the turning point?

JT: Half-time. Nothing fancier than that. The gaffer – sorry, I mean the Bishop – sat down with the team, led them in a few prayers, told them to put their trust in the Lord, and then pointed out that I’d noticed Wella’s 3-5-2 formation was leaving their defence vulnerable to quick attacks down the flanks as the Wellan wingers weren’t covering the back three. Simplicity itself.

FN: But still - two goals down inside 15 minutes… Things were looking bad….

JT: Yes, well, that’s something we still have to work on. No disrespect to the three Fr. Michaels and Fr. Dmitri in defence, but we have to improve communication at the back. Part of the problem lies in having central defenders from different Slavonic and Greek traditions – they recognise each other’s right to be there, but they’re not always on the same wavelength. Combine that with Fr. Dmitri the Humble’s vow of silence and Fr. Michael the New Hermit’s habit of shutting himself away from the cares of the world between training sessions, and no wonder we’ve shipped 8 goals in four matches – we’re just not gelling.

FN: But they’ve only conceded two in the last two matches.

JT: Yes, we’re improving, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do more.

FN: Describe our lads’ first goal.

JT: I’m always a big fan of keeping things simple. That’s the way I used to play, that’s the way I like to coach. So if your wingers win a corner – and credit to Fr. Pavel the Wanderer there – you simply put your tallest player in their penalty area and hope for havoc. Havoc there was. Fr. Michael the Greater towered above their defence, the goalkeeper parried his header, and Fr. Silouan tapped in the loose ball from close range.

FN: Fr. Silouan’s been threatening to score for a while now.

JT: Yes – there was that terrible refereeing decision in the opener against Eauz, and then he was hacked down from behind to win a penalty against Spaam – a goal in this match was the least he deserved.

FN: The second goal must have particularly pleased you…

JT: Yes indeed – memories of me in my prime. Fr. Polycarp found himself with space just outside the box, after some nifty approach work from Fr. Andrew the Twice-found and Fr. David the Water-drinker, unleashed a thunderous left-footed drive towards the goal, and almost ripped the net out. Fantastic stuff.

FN: Pity they couldn’t finish the comeback

JT: A bit much to ask that. Still, there’s nothing like a stadium full of monks singing Vespers in perfect harmony to inspire a team on, eh?

FN: What about your role? What do you bring to the team?

JT: Well, if you’ll pardon me for saying so, coach Kyrill’s tactics can sometimes be a little, well, un-orthodox – purely in the footballing sense you understand. I simply try and bring my experience of international play to bear to bring a little bit of on-field discipline to the lads. As for off-field discipline – well, they could all teach me a thing or two there (both laugh)

FN: How do you respond to those who say you should be well over a hundred years old by now?

JT: Look, just because short-timers in ordinary reality live in a world where time passes so quickly doesn’t mean it passes like that for us. Here in the Dreamed Realm we can get through 20 world cups in only about 2 of our years. That’s their problem, not mine.

FN: Are you pleased with the team’s progress so far?

JT: We set out to get four points from the opening four games; someone with a sense of humour (the lads prefer to refer to ‘heretics, freemasons, and communists’) had us up against the top four teams in the group in those first four games. We’d more or less written the Rejistania match off, which meant a win and a draw against Eauz, Spaam and Wella. That’s precisely what we’ve done. We now have three easier matches to come, no disrespect to Kaze Progressa, Poppuli and Jewish Citizens, so if we can get two wins and a draw in those matches – or even two draws and a win - I’d say that at the half-way mark we’d be well placed for an unlikely playoff spot.

FN: How do you see Group 10 developing, then?


JT: Well, Rejistania are unstoppable. Four goals a game, none conceded. They’re through. Eauz are also going quite well – perhaps surprisingly so for a team that’s been so quiet recently. Everyone else seems to be fighting it out for that play-off spot. Wella and Spaam have been poor – Spaam in particular must be wondering what hit them after three losses to unranked teams, though I always personally thought Wella were a team in decline. Kaze Progressa are yet again demonstrating that sporting enthusiasm is no guarantee of sporting success, while Poppuli and Jewish Citizens have – like us – proven they’re capable of a surprise. I’d watch out for Poppuli; the national paranoia that has them all playing in masks makes them a surprisingly unnerving opponent.

FN: And, one last question, does the Son have one nature simultaneously human and divine, or does He have two natures – human and divine – united into a single person?

JT: I’m a footballer, not a theologian. As long as the team’s doing well, I’m happy to let the lads worry about that sort of thing.

FN: Juan Tzimisces, thank you for your time

2005-08-21

Kericia wins in injury time on disputed goal, Shark fans riot!
Kericia scores winner on questionable call, Shark fans rush the field causing havoc after the match.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - World Cup 24 had their first streaker of the tournament during the playing of the national anthems in this match which ushered in one of the strangest games on memory for all involved.

The game itself was preceded by an attack by one Shark fan who rushed the Kericia players as they were exiting the locker room to come onto the pitch. After punching one Kericia player he was restrained by security officials before being shipped away to jail, he would in hindsight, be a warning of the events to come.

Then another crazed fan, this time a Pleasantview Ravens supporter (crosstown rivals of the North Beach Sharks - who represent PopularFreedom at the World Cup) ran across the field in his 'birthday suit' during the playing of the PopularFreedom national anthem when words painted on his back in blue reading, 'SHARKS SUCK, HAIL RAVENS'. He was able to elude security officials for a number of minutes before finally being tackled and taken off.

The crowds themselves were as usual extremely vocal, especially those from the Shark side. Still angry about the loss against Bedistan (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9485524&postcount=177) the day before they seemed to be in an especially feisty mood with their usual chant, 'RIP THEM TO SHREADS! GGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOO SSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSS!'

The Shark players meanwhile seemed a bit restless as many noted they were disturbed by individuals outside their hotel the night before (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9486008&postcount=181).

As the match began and through the first twenty or so minutes it was mainly a seesaw battle with no one side dominating the other.

At the 21st minute however Kericia forward Thomas Jalic got a free kick on a questionable tripping call on Shark defender Linus Mayhart. As the Shark fans began to whistle to show their disapproval of the call, Jalic took the freekick and was able to perfectly arch a shot from around midway in the Shark zone over the wall of defenders in front and into the left corner for a goal as the Kericia side celebrated widely while the Shark fans began to throw items on the field in disgust. A number of players on the Shark bench were able to convince their fans to calm down including William Welsh who used a megaphone but the 'wall of red' was now extremely agitated.

The players however were able to channel some of that energy and on the restart the Sharks were able to quickly take control of the match pounding the Kericia net with shots until finally in the 29th minute Shawn Peruvo took a feed from John Collins in the Kericia corner and hammered home the tieing goal to notch the score at 1-1.

The remainder of the half, though dominated by the PopularFreedom Sharks did not seem to have much evidence of truly genuine scoring chances. As the whistle blew to end the half however and both teams were leaving the field, Kericia forward Thomas Jalic and star Shark striker Shawn Peruvo passed one another, had words and then had to be restrained from attacking one another by their teammates as they swore insults at one another. In the Sharks locker room Peruvo claimed Jalic spat on him however Jalic when interviewed prior to the second half categorically denied such an incident occured and claimed that Peruvo had threatened him first which led to the confrontation.

As both teams took the field both Jalic and Peruvo were addressed on the field by the referee prior to the half beginning, presumably in regards to the incident that took place at the end of the 1st half.

As the 2nd half took started again both teams played well trying to gain the upper hand on each other however both continued to frustrate one another.

The closest thing to a goal in regular time was where in the 63rd minute Jalic was able to collect a cornerkick that teammate Timothy Devani had overshot the Shark net with, and direct it to the open goal. Shark goalie Peter Locart however was able to somehow direct the ball away from the goal with his left fist keeping the score tied going into injury time.

As injury time drew near both teams were playing extremely well and the ball was going up and down the field. As injury time began Kericia found themselves with a cornerkick in the Shark end. Jalic was stationed just outside the box when both he and Peruvo collided as the kick was taken. Though replays are somewhat inconclusive on who made initial contact it clearly shows that the contact made was not enough to cause Jalic to fall however fall he did. The referee instantly pointed towards the penalty kick marker while Peruvo along with the rest of the Sharks argued in vain.

The fans meanwhile were up in their seats, the Kericia fans in approval, while the Shark fans in absolute turmoil. As Peruvo continued to argue with the referee he was given a yellow card, upon which a number of his teammates had to restrain him while the penalty kick was taken.

Jalic shot the ball right while Shark goalie Peter Locart guessed wrong. As the ball entered the net and the Kericia team surrounded Jalic in celebration the referee blew the whistle to signal the end of the game.

As the final whistle blew the Shark fan designated area, primarily in the southwest part of the stands, began to empty as enraged fans emptied onto the field many already hurling projectiles towards the referee. The first few Sharks fans on the field were quickly arrested by riot police who had lined the sidelines of the field prior to the end of the match. As the fans continued to come however it became evident that the situation had deteriorated to absolute madness. The Kericia players quickly made their way into the safety of their locker area however a number of the Kericia fans, along with a few PopularFreedom Raven fans began to attack the Shark fans both in the stands and started to rush the field as well. At this point as it became evident that the mass of fans had decided to participate in the disorderly conduct more riot police who were on standby entered the field area and started to fire cannisters of tear gas in all directions. Within an hour order had been restored but not before numerous fans on all sides, had been arrested, while scores more along with numerous police officers were in hospitals some in serious condition.






OOC: I did 4 articles between last game and this one alone and I still lost. What do I have to do to win one against a decently ranked opponent who has yet to roleplay or even have a roster, write a novel?

Stars 'disjointed,' struggle to win 1-0

On paper, the matchup between the Sarzonian national football team and Disjoepia was one of the biggest mismatches of this 24th World Cup qualifying campaign. Disjoepia is a footballing neophyte that has not even competed in the Baptism of Fire Cup, while the Stars are the world's top ranked team.

However, they don't play matches on paper. The Stars needed an 88th minute tally by forward Barry Alphonso, who came off the bench after being suspended for the first 45 minutes of the match by Coach Dave Wilson, to escape Disjoepia with a 1-0 victory that moved the Stars into first place in Group 8.

"Barry violated team rules," Wilson said. "Simple as that. The matter was resolved internally and I'm not at liberty to discuss the matter further." A team source that asked not to be identified said Alphonso didn't show up to the team's final training session and didn't call Wilson. Alphonso declined to comment.

The team won its fourth match of World Cup qualifying without a loss or a draw and is two points ahead of Commerce Heights, whom the Stars will face at Bryan Marshall Stadium in Woodstock. The game is already a sellout.

"We're hoping to have a fantastic atmosphere at the stadium," Wilson said. We need the supporters to be loud and intimidating."

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE POPULARFREEDOM GOVERNMENT

Greetings,

In light of the actions by citizens of the nation of PopularFreedom all passports issued to residents of the nation for use in any World Cup hosting country, except for those of players and anyone employed by the North Beach Sharks organization, have been suspended for the next 24 hours beginning immediately. Any PopularFreedom citizen, except for those in hospital or custody, or who belong to the North Beach Sharks organization, who are seen in public in any World Cup hosting country in the next 24 hours will face trial upon return to the nation of PopularFreedom.

We apologize to all nations involved in the World Cup for the actions of those hooligans associated with our nation. Likewise we apologize to the organizers of the World Cup from barring our citizens from the PopularFreedom vs San Lorenzo match tomorrow however in light of the actions of today and previous actions of our fans in the past it is the most prudent course of action at this time for us to take.

Sincerely, Prime Minister Bayda

Casari4Sport

Another Loss to High Ranked Team
"World Cup is much more boring than Winning Eleven 8."

Another Casaran Loss, this time 1-0 to Casari, let the team slide another place in the group standings to 6th, remaining at 3 points.

"The fact that we're little is getting really quite boring." Fans said to reporters outside the stadium. "The fact that anyone who wants to get into the World Cup has 3 cups of slaughter makes it a little less fun. But wins help a lot, and the matches against competition our own levelis coming up, thankfully."

Tomorrow's match at home vs. Nanakaland is the start of the Confederation's reprieve from highly ranked opposition. Unranked before the tournement, Nanakaland has the same 1-0-3 record that Casari has after games against the same opponents.

In other news, the Group 5 table still contains the error it did after match 2.

Location: International flight heading to Vassfforcia, The Heartland.

Shawn Peruvo relaxes in his seat on the Concorde superjet. He looks over at the other starters slumped in their seats sleeping and chuckles as he thinks what it must be like outside the hotel of the starters for tomorrow in the World Cup. His mind is on the semifinal match he has tomorrow in Vassfforcia. Cursed scheduling conflict he thinks to himself. This jetlag is hurting him and his teammates. He notices one of his teammates is still awake. John Collins he thinks to himself. He notices John motioning for him to come over which he does.

John Collins: Hey you heard the news man? Frigging government freaked out on the riots...

Shawn Peruvo: You blame 'em. Bad call or not, that was ugly man, I never seen anything like that. The ref sucked but still, wow!

John Collins: no dude you dont understand, they have suspended all passports of PopularFreedom citizens in World Cup hosting countries for 24 hours except anyone employed by the North Beach Sharks.

Peruvo looked at Collins astounded.

Shawn Peruvo: Bugger, here I am laughing cause I am thinking [Sharks forward Glen] Owens got it bad cause I figure Raven fans are outside the hotel and are probably singing who knows what and you telling me now he is sleeping like a baby while I am stuck on this tin can without a wink of sleep? Thanks for the good news!

laughingly Peruvo shakes his head gives Collins the finger and drags himself back to his seat for the remainder of the flight.




OOC: Winning Eleven 8 I found to be pretty crummy to be honest. Then again I love full contact sports more so probably why. Though I love Fifa 94. Nothing like putting the settings on NO PENALTIES and then crosschecking everyone on the field from behind so that they are on the field in pain, friggin hilarious lol

bsd
the bedistan sports digest
football

VISZONIA -- Despite the bitter Antarctica weather, the Bedistan Lions still managed to score three goals without reply from their Viszonian opponents. Scoring praise ended up well distributed, with Tony Orr opening the scoring in the 37th minute after finally thawing out his right leg. With the score 1-0 at halftime, the Lions weren't satisfied, and fellow striker Alejandro Vantrease proved that he's still one of the best in the business with a well-placed shot in the 61st that doubled the score. Finally, Tara Stalls once again proved that strikers aren't the only people that score goals, the 22-year-old midfielder heading in goal number three after a 73rd-minute free kick. Meanwhile, Tom Pratt looks like he's trying to go after a new Bedistani record for the longest amount of time without conceding a goal, with the tally now at 378 minutes. Indeed, Bedistan is doing very well indeed this time around. Of the teams that have not yet conceded goals, the Lions have scored the second most. Who has scored more? No, it's not Sarzonia, surprisingly enough. Nope, it's...wait for it...wait a little more...wait, this can't be right...Rejistania?! Yes, Rejistania, where System Karela is a religion! They have scored an incredible sixteen goals so far in qualifying, including six in their last match alone! Figure that one out.

finalscore
Bedistan 3 (Orr 37, Vantrease 61, Stalls 73)
Viszonia 0

nextmatch
The Lions will return home to Sonoma City for one of the biggest matches of the qualifying around against Audioslavia. Audioslavia, however, have been having an exceedingly bad run of form with a 2-1-1 record after playing the four worst-ranked teams in the group. They may well find themselves very low on confidence coming into the ever-forbidding Fillmore National Stadium, which could see Bedistan extend their winning streak to five matches. But we won't know until matchday.

On a related note, the venue for the Bettia match has finally been chosen - it will be played at South Coast Arena in Hendersonburg, less than five miles from the Bettian border.

Tel Morlin Archealogical-Post-Dispatch-Telegram

Sports Today

Inside: 10 dead and 62 injured so far in post match riots

Milchama get blown out at home. Fairbanks needs win or is out

The Milchama Warriors put forth their worst performance of the tournament today getting blown out at home against Nova Brittanicus. Coach Fairbanks, who is definitely on the heat seat after such a stinker like this, said "There is no excuse we sucked today. Our fans deserve better and what they did after the match was in my opinion completely 100% justified. The only hope we have now is to beat the bottom 4 teams in the group and pray to god that the top 4 teams in the group beat each other up enough that we can make some sort of a run. Also O Brian will be playing again against System Karela."

The Starting lineup for the Warriors had a few changes to hopefully liven up the offense from how they did against the Lowland Clans here it is
Gk Koolerc
D Milckey
D Brandon (new postition)
D Callers (new position)
M Kunalin (new position)
M Timmons (new)
M Flinters (new position)
I Copperlee
F Faren
F Floren
F Feders (new)

Match report:
With this very different with 6 players either new or playing a new position the Warriors did very poorly. Only 5 minutes in after Callers conceded a corner a cross in by Scarsdale who put it in perfectly for Swallow who then put it in the back of the net for a 1-0 lead. The game looked like it was going to go better for the Warriors as Feders who looked good on what is basically the Milchama version of a wing made good cross after good cross. Most of these crosses were cleared by the Brittanicus defense that did an excellent job but one cross found Floren who got a clear header on goal. Unfortunately the header went wide, it was a theme to be repeated throughout the game. The theme of wasted oppurtunities was not the same with Nova Brittanicus who didn't waste an oppurtunity in the 27th minute when Hawksworth got clear run down the left wing and he cut inside of Milckey and passed to the captain Harry Maitland who put a perfect shot in the low right corner for their second goal of the match. It looked like the score at halftime would be 2-0 but Nova Britannicus got a free kick right outside the box that was accompanied by a yellow card for Brandon, who had a horrible game defensively. This free kick that was taken by Valentin Scarsdale and he curved around the wall right into the path of the unmarked John Peter. Peter made no mistake and put the ball in the back of the net. The score at halftime 3-0 Nova Brittanicus.

The second half saw a different and more fired up Milchama side as if the halftime speech by Fairbanks had lit up a different light in them. Fairbanks also made two changes putting in Patrick O Brian for Miles Brandon and Johnny Rintell for Billy Timmons. The half started well for Milchama as Rintell who seemed mad for being subbed to the bench did one of his trademark runs complete with two unbelievable dribble that made to Bluebird defenders get stuck in their boots. His shot though was not that impressive as it went way high and he had made yet another wasted oppurtunity for Milchama. In the 56th minute the Warriors almost struck again this time Copperlee put a great shot on net that was saved brilliantly by Smythe. The Warriors continued to threaten putting the Bluebird on their backfoot and should have scored in the 69th when Faren just missed high and again just 3 minutes later when Callers missed a rebound off a corner kick. The 78th minute saw the final goal of the game for the Nova Brittanicus Bluebirds. Feders put a horrible pass right to Salmon. Salmon quickly pressed the counter attack when he passed forward to Hawksworth. Hawksworth brought the ball up the wing until he found Scarsdale in the middle and Scarsdale took one step in the box and put the ball over a charging and diving Koolerc for the 4th and final goal for the Bluebirds.
Final Score
Milchama (we need to score)
Nova Brittanicus (Swallow 5, Maitland 27, Peter 45, Scarsdale 78)

Milchama man of the match: Tuck Feders. Reason: He played good in the first half too.

Fairbanks still coach but needs point or goal to continue

Jonathan Fairbanks the current has come under fire this week after their horrible result against the Lowland Clans where the attacking Warriors could not even manage one goal. Today was a lot worse and MFA President Calvin Chintermantoman said, "He needs a goal to be our coach for the game against System Karela to stay the coach for the game against Liverpoolian." Coach Fairbanks announced after the game he was having the original starting lineup for the World Cup minus Brandon and Macnaturn. Callers would be moved to Brandon's spot while Feders would stay in Macnaturn's spot.

Rioting in Swooton after loss

After the horrible defeat by Milchama in the game tonight the fans at Sparrow Field went nuts and started rioting outside the stadium. So far 10 people have died, 62 have been injured, 113 have been arrested and their has been 110,487 bobs of property damaged (ooc: a bob is worth 2.3 USD). The Swooton police were not expecting a riot considering the almost military discipline in Milchama and the fact that people put most of their violent action in the army. The rioters almost got to an important archeology dig about the Riorian civilization, luckily they got stopped before they could reach the dig where just today three gold statues were found in what we now believe to be the king's palace (More on this in the Archaeology Today section). One of the rioters was quoted as saying, "We have one match here in Swooton and god damnet I want to watch a good football match! That was a piece of crap *he flips a car over* We deserve better here in Swooton! The rioters are rioting for a good cause now maybe we will try to win a football match it would definitely help.

Tel Morlin Archealogical-Post-Dispatch-Telegram


"D'you see that, Fr. Alexander?"

"What, Fr. Daniel?"

"Milchama can't spell 'Archaeological'"

"So what? Isn't it considered really poor form to draw attention to spelling mistakes?"

"Normally it is, but when in those alternate realities beyond both the Dreamed Realm and physical reality called 'RL' your alter-ego is in fact an honest-to-goodness archaeologist, you tend to notice these things"

"So what are you trying to say, Fr. Daniel? That you have a second soul existing beyond both time and space?"

"Nah. Nothing so fancy. Merely that my hypothetical and possibly overly-pedantic alter-ego in an alternate reality called 'RL' gets unnecessarily bothered when people can't spell 'archaeology' or 'archaeological'. 'Archaelogical' is obviously just a typo, but it's almost as bad as that occasional American abomination 'Archeology."

"What's 'America'? Is that like 'Amerigo?"

"You really have no idea what I'm going on about Fr. Alexander, do you?"

"No, not really"

"Oh never mind, then. Incidentally, did you watch the 2-2 home draw with Wella last night.....?"

Time flys when you are having fun and it's been 3 months since our last update. Since then 2 more "matchdays" have come and gone.

MD3
Bye
First we had a chance to point and laugh at Spruitland losing to NMS.

MD4
Taken Names
Then we got to laugh at Taken Names defence.

Group 3
Tadjikistan 2 - 0 Taken Names
Lethislavania 2 - 1 Lox Land Island
Spruitland 2 - 4 New Montreal States

Lox Land Island 1 - 1 Tadjikistan
New Montreal States 1 - 1 Lethislavania
Taken Names 1 - 3 Total n Utter Insanity

Group 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
Tadjikistan 3 2 1 0 6 2 +4 7
Total n Utter Insanity 3 2 1 0 5 2 +3 7
Lethislavania 3 2 1 0 5 3 +2 7
Spruitland 3 2 0 1 7 6 +1 6
New Montreal States 4 1 2 1 6 6 0 5
Lox Land Island 4 0 1 3 4 8 -4 1
Taken Names 4 0 0 4 3 9 -6 0

With 2/7s of the matches played, the Insanicians are in a tight group at the top. At this stage in the game anyone could win it...apart from Taken Names.

Yes this is a very bad "RP" in the loosest sense of the word. This is what you get when you force people to RP. If you want quality you have to inspire it. Until then I will be RPing badly.

OOC: I did 4 articles between last game and this one alone and I still lost. What do I have to do to win one against a decently ranked opponent who has yet to roleplay or even have a roster, write a novel?


OOC: RPs do not guarantee wins, only increase their possibility

Are we takilan?

The Orange-Blues won 6:0 against the Jewish Citizens in the Jerusalem (NOT Jeruselem) Nation Stadium. The JCFA complained to the WCC. According to them, the Rejistani national team was antisemitic and therefore the match should be counted as 3:0 for the Jews. The Jews also insisted that va'karela'ny are not kosher and therefore must not be imported. Despite that, the rejistani national team was able to get its dosis of karelization by Karelan Spruits.

The match was very defensively in the beginning. The Jews played a 5-4-1 and the Orange-Blues a 6-3-1. Not much action happened in the first minutes but then the Orange-Blues started one of their seldom attacks, which did not come after an attack from the other side. The rejistanian strikers are trained to capitallize the few chances they have in one match, but this time, Linux Raju could not do it. The ball went over the crossbar. Fortunately, the Orange-Blues had another chance in the 30th minute. This time the Jewish goalkeeper had no chance: winger Takil Manik's shot was unkeepable for goalkeeper Israel Fliederbusch. 1:0 for the Orange-Blues. The rest of the game was typical karelan play, but the fans cheered at every tackle and every spoilt chance.

Suddenly, five minutes before the end of the match, a bell rang and the Jewish Citizens left the field. The Orange-Blues were confused. Basically, the expression in their faces was saying "WTF?" or "Mer'su?". The explanation was that the sabbath has started and playing during sabbath was not allowed. The Orange-Blues decided to kick the ball into the empty net 5 times and then left too.

Tale of Woe


It was meant to be so different. Four games against lower ranked opposition. Twelve points easy I hear you say. But no. One win and three defeats is what Hypocria's finest have managed. Two of those defeats came at the mighty Hyppodrome which is spectacularly failing to live up to its billing as a fortress which opposing teams would fear to step foot in. Southern Manchester (unranked) and Klakistany (lost every game at the BoF) have both taken maximum points from the heart of Hypocrian football while 0-0 is Evil managed a 1 - 0 win over the Hyppos in the last round pf matches to leave Guylain N'Dumbu-Nsungu's side floundering in 7th place in the group, above Southern Manchester on goal difference.

How is this happening? Frankly we're not sure how we can play so badly against teams ranked over 100 places below us. The Hyppos can play, an impressive away win against an up and coming Ruventsoria side proved that, so why this dire form? Perhaps the hangover from losing the AOCAF IX final has finally kicked in.

One thing is certain, Hypocria have played the supposed weaker teams and now face the likes of Crystilakere, Jeruselem and Haperd and have to get good results against them to have any chance of acheiving something from this campaign.

Not long ago the coach and his players were considered heros after an excellent AOCAF campaign but now the boos are getting louder and the chants of dissatisfaction are getting longer and if things don't improve soon changes could well be made both on and off the field.


Group 7 - Match 4
Ruventsoria 3 - 2 Jeruselem
Klakistany 2 - 1 Haperd
0-0 Is Evil 1 - 0 Hypocria
Southern Manchester 0 - 3 Crystilakere


Group 7 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Crystilakere 4 3 1 0 12 2 10 +10
Jeruselem 4 3 0 1 10 4 9 +6
Klakistany 4 2 0 2 5 7 6 -2
Ruventsoria 4 1 2 1 8 8 5 ==
Haperd 4 1 2 1 6 6 5 ==
0-0 Is Evil 4 1 1 2 3 7 4 -4
Hypocria 4 1 0 3 2 5 3 -3
Southern Manchester 4 1 0 3 2 8 3 -6

What The Hell?!
Defeat Seemed Inevitable But Its A Totally Different Story



Here Is The Teams

The Magpies of Shearer Heaven

GK( Magpies Man Of The Match)Jamie Marjoram
CB Dale Perkins
CB Alex Forsyth
LB (Big) Bob Lakkerston
RB Abberston Radoti
CM Ben Marjoram
CM Sean Rutherford
RW Ian MarjoraM
LW Abbreas Emre
CF Adam Norton
CF( Captain) Alan Shearer

The Spruitland Wabbits
GK(Wabbits Man Of The Match) Simon Briers
WB M.Vegnol
WB K.Opdebeek
CB N.V Dyck
CB F.Wigmeister
CM F.Juneo
CM S.Trouwel
LM W.Gemer
RM B.Luckyux
CF J.horst
CF D.Jools

Heres the highlights of the game

1st Minuite

Magpies caught off guard the more experienced Wabbits Striker J.Horst(Compared to all the Magpies players except Shearer And Given) Sprinted Forward Got the ball over Lakkerstons Head(How the hell?!) and smashed a volley which J.Marjoram Tipped over heroicly.


5th Minuite
Jools 1-2 With Horst Perkins tackles Horst Boots out just as far as Trouwel
Trouwel Boots To Jools Jools does spinning volley and Marjoram saves the bottom corner volley.


12th Minuite
Its the Magpies turn. S.Rutherford Sprints in chips ball to Norton Norton volleys back, Rutherford absolutely smacks a volley! But Briers makes a heroic save.


23rd Minuite B.Marjoram Makes Lovely Through ball to Rutherford Rutherford Chips Ball in For the Sprinting In Emre Emre uses feint keeper dives But Emre shoots later and the Ball Trickles Softly Into the net,Emre uses 8 Handstand-2 Rolly Polly And Cleansman Celebration The Crowd Erupts As Soon As the Ball Trickles in.



32nd Minuite
B.Marjoram takes shot from just outside the box and Briers barely keeps out.

42nd Minuite
Jools Takes Shot From Just Inside The Box and Marjoram Barely Saves the beautiful shot and Waldo Vooleys shot but Somehow Marjoram Gets Up And Saves Shot

53rd Minuite
B.Marjoram Lobs A Ball in for Shearer Beautifully and Shearer Smacks ball into the back of the net But Shearer Was Offside


63rd Minuite
I.Marjoram Gets Past Wabbits defence And Chips Briers but ball goes over.

79th Minuite Jools Takes Shot Marjoram Scrambles a lovely Save But Hurst Screams a volley in and It Goes past the Rising Marjoram.
85th Minuite
I.Marjoram Makes run gets past Opdebeek and Dyck And Makes A Lovely Cross , Cross Goes to Shearer ,Shearer With a Bycicle Kick And The Ball Goes Flying Into The Top Corner Nothing Briers Could Do About It Shearer Does Traditional Shearer Celebration Crowd Goes Wild.
91st Minuite(Extra Time) Actual Commentry
Oh Jools on the ball No they cant score! The Magpies Have Done so well! Jools gets past The Defence One On One And How The? Jools Shoots Top Corner and Marjoram Saves I Dunno How He Saved It But He Did! And Its Over The Magpies Beat Spruitland!!!

Shearers Words Were
I Cant believe it! we said wed lose against these and know we beat them!
they did deserve to win but they didnt cause of our brilliant keeper And I Think we deserved to win more by that tiny bit.

Time flys when you are having fun and it's been 3 months since our last update. Since then 2 more "matchdays" have come and gone.

MD3
Bye
First we had a chance to point and laugh at Spruitland losing to NMS.(And Shearer Heaven ,Shearer Celebration Flashes Up!)

MD4
Taken Names
Then we got to laugh at Taken Names defence.

Group 3
Tadjikistan 2 - 0 Taken Names
Lethislavania 2 - 1 Lox Land Island
Spruitland 2 - 4 New Montreal States

Lox Land Island 1 - 1 Tadjikistan
New Montreal States 1 - 1 Lethislavania
Taken Names 1 - 3 Total n Utter Insanity

Group 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
Tadjikistan 3 2 1 0 6 2 +4 7
Total n Utter Insanity 3 2 1 0 5 2 +3 7
Lethislavania 3 2 1 0 5 3 +2 7
Spruitland 3 2 0 1 7 6 +1 6
New Montreal States 4 1 2 1 6 6 0 5
Lox Land Island 4 0 1 3 4 8 -4 1
Taken Names 4 0 0 4 3 9 -6 0

With 2/7s of the matches played, the Insanicians are in a tight group at the top. At this stage in the game anyone could win it...apart from Taken Names.

Yes this is a very bad "RP" in the loosest sense of the word. This is what you get when you force people to RP. If you want quality you have to inspire it. Until then I will be RPing badly.

Ehem I Dont see Shearer Heaven in any of this,Even Though you beat us were not sour any more and We have just Beaten Spruitland so can you please add that on? And please put us on the group list? PS Its two 8ths if youre not missing someone out!

OOC: Use "OOC" for non-RPs, and use <snip> in quote tags when quotes are longer han seven lines longs. And it IS 2/7ths, there are 14 matchdays. 4 matches played = 4/14 = 2/7.

It's his choice to RP as he sees fit, he has no obligation to include you in if that's how he wants to RP.

IC: (Joint LE-LLI RP, hosts may count for either one, or both...)
FALE to adopt similar tables to Insanician publishers for Group Three
The FALE have released a press statement that they and their subsidiary FFLL (Lox Land Island Federation of Football) will adopt a table similar to the Insanician tables for Group Three, which discounts Shearer Haven from the group. When asked about the likely reaction, Gareth Dussis told the press that "this was done only after an unanimous board agreement. [If] Shearer Haven is not going to be given recognition in the footballing world by Total n Utter Insanity, which the FALE still considers a frontrunner in having a say in world football, the FALE will adopt a similar approach for Lox Land Island."

This move now means that Lox Land Island places sixth out of a group of seven in the FALE's view, not seventh out of eight as given in tables provided by the hosts. This means that the updated table looks like this:

Group 3 P W D L F A GD Pts
1. Tadjikistan 3 2 1 0 6 2 +4 7
2. Total n Utter Insanity 3 2 1 0 5 2 +3 7
3. Lethislavania 3 2 1 0 5 3 +2 7
4. Spruitland 3 2 0 1 7 6 +1 6
5. New Montreal States 4 1 2 1 6 6 0 5
6. Lox Land Island 4 0 1 3 4 8 -4 1
7. Taken Names 4 0 0 4 3 9 -6 0
E. Shearer Haven 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Harlesburg 2- Geisenfried 1
Harlesburg2 - Geisenfried 1

Harlesburgs third match was against Geisenfried a team they had never played before but with the previous results Harlesburg had achieved in the World Cup Qualifiers expectations were high and the game certainly wasnt a disapointment being clinched at the end of the 90 minutes when Maverick Chance put one past the Geisenfried Keeper after a Lerrick Jones break down the lefthand side.

The scoring started in the 17th minute when Olaun Sallasan cleverly kicked the ball into the shins of the Geisenfried Defender to claim the Corner Kick and when Peter Von Nowg took it he found Jacob Treulrt in the centre lunging higher than the rest and sent the ball into the top right corner giving Harlesburg a 1-0 lead.

But Geisenfried soon replied after communication between the Harlesburg Midfield and Defence collapsed resulting in Geisenfried's man on the ball to slice through some weak tackles and find himself one on one with Keeper Derrick Potter and he could not stop the well placed shot sailing into the net.

After 22 minutes the score was tied 1-1.

For the next 70 minutes both teams battled it out in the midfield exchanging shot for shot and with Injury time coming to an end Lerrick Jones and Maverick Chance came together and settled it in favour for the away team.
Chance had worked himself into the centre while Jones made his break down the left weaving through tackles before sending the ball centre to find Treulrt on the fly and he crashed it into the net from close range.

Harlesburg 2-Geisenfried 1
Scorers
Treulrt 17th
Chance 92nd

Conures suffer mixed fortunes in World Cup[/B

We must begin this edition with an apology. Recent issues of "White on Green" have been seriously delayed, as the entire staff buggered off to a music festival. Apologies for this delay. What follows is a review of recent events.

[B]Hurfordia's prayers unanswered in defeat.

The Hurfordian national side suffered defeat in its first home game in the World Cup Qualifiers, going down 2-1 to Praying2God at the National Stadium.

After going behind to a 16th minute goal, Hurfordia showed a lot of spirit, poutting pressure on the Warriors' defence. They were rewarded with Wayne Sargeant's controversial goal just before half time, heading into an empty net after Stimpson appeared to obstruct the goalkeeper. The referee waved away the protests, and let the goal stand. Justice, however, was done in the 70th minute, as Hurfordia pushed forwards. Stimpson's shot was saved by the keeper, and on the break the Conures' defence evaporated, leaving Larson one-on-one with Sedley, and slotting it home. A poor performance, but it is still early days.

Victory gives Conures hope in qualifiers

Hurfordia's home form may be dubious, but their away form continues to surprise, as they managed a 3-1 win away at Chicanada.

All the goals came in the first 25 minutes, as Hurfordia proved surprisingly quick out of the blocks. The first came on 10 minutes, as a well-worked corner saw Holsworthy head on for Stimpson, who tapped in from close range. The second came within five minutes, as Sulla scored his first goal of the tournament, beating the off-side trap with a pass from Lebrun, and chipping over the goalkeeper from close range. The last came after 25 minutes, as Rawling, on in place of the injured Sargeant, who took a knock in training, rose majestically to power home a header from Sulla's lofted free kick. The second half, played in front of a nearly empty stadium as the home fans walked out in protest at their team's performance, saw Hurfordia sit back and relax a little. Chicanada nearly vcame back into it with a burst of chances aroungd the 65-70 minute mark, which saw Yeo score, but in the end this was something of a cruise.

Fans Turn as Street Run Riot

Hurfordia's miserable home form continues as they went down 3-0 to Cockbill Street.

The Conures were under pressure from the start, and had no real chances on goal, but it was the second half that saw them fall apart, as the opposition's star Liam Williams scored three times in the 60th, 75th and 78th minutes. To cap it all, the second goal was a penalty, after O'Halloran tripped Williams in the box, an offence for which he was sent-off.

The miserable performanec was capped by the crowd being booed off by the capacity crowd at Foreshore Park. Fleet police also reported a number of arrests as disgruntled fans threw objects at the team coaches when they left the stadium. The Hurfordian police have announced that they will not tolerate such behaviour, especially after the disgraceful scenes during the Clavis match in the Baptism of Fire group stage, and promised that anyone arrested will be punished to the full extent of the law. All in all, a sad night for Hurfordian football.

Which Team Will Turn Up?
Starblaydia caught in two minds

Matchday Five comes around and Starblaydia sit quite comfortably on top of Group Four having thrashed the four crappy teams in this Group as good preparation for the Fmjphoenix match.

Er, no.

In the four matches so far, Starblaydia have managed to disgrace themselves with two 1-1 draws to nations the average football fan will never have heard of, and are unlikely to hear again. Geisenfried and Naleloospalakintula were there names, and although Starblaydia haven't lost in thirteen qualifying matches - their current streak - it is no fair preparation for a match against the Vikings.

Starblaydia have started and ended this little four match period well, winning 3-0 over Tallionis and Prince Aidan respectively, but the problem so far is that all three - yes, three teams above Starblaydia in this qualifying Group have done better. The ever-silent Lovisan colony of Finrods somehow have a 100% record so far, while the Vikings and Harlesburg - of all places - have just a single draw to their records compared to Starblaydia's two.

All this should change, of course, as Starblaydia play the three teams above them next. One would expect that at least seven points should come Starblaydia's way over those three games though, as Starblaydia have only picked up eight out of their first twelve available points, that may now be an over-estimate. This will all depend on which Starblaydi team lines up on the pitch. Will it be the rampaging, forward-minded, unbeatable team we have come to know and love in Qualifiers? Or will it be a shambolic, lacklustre side with all the talent we've come to expect from a Liverpool Englander side, for instance?

DK, KD. We at the Chronicle have no idea what it means, and we doubt anyone else does either.

Why???


Shearer Heaven asks the LEFA Why they have ejected hate on Shearer Heaven all Shearer Heaven did was ask TNUI Why they were not involved.Well Liverpool England I Hate To Say it but its none of your buisness!

PS TNUI Sorry for any dislikings before the cup I Was acting stupid.

PPS
Liverpool England, Sorry but we do not know why you even bothered
Well Heres the Proper Group Standings

Group 3


Group 3 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Total n Utter Insanity 4 3 1 0 8 3 10 +5
Tadjikistan 4 2 2 0 6 2 8 +4
Lethislavania 4 2 2 0 7 5 8 +2
Spruitland 4 2 0 2 8 8 6 ==
New Montreal States 4 1 2 1 6 6 5 ==
Shearer Heaven 4 1 2 1 5 6 5 -1
Lox Land Island 4 0 1 3 4 8 1 -4
Taken Names 4 0 0 4 0 0 -5

Yes this is a very bad "RP" in the loosest sense of the word. This is what you get when you force people to RP. If you want quality you have to inspire it. Until then I will be RPing badly.


The Daily Druid

DRUIDANS DENY FORCING RPs
By Bill Posters

After reports of RPs being forced out of Insanicians, the Druidan government have been quick to respond that they aren't forcing RPs out of anyone.

"The RP bonus is small enough not to have too great an effect on ranks," said a spokesman for the Druidan government. "For the higher ranked nations (and yes, we still consider TnUI to be one of those) at this stage, the effects of the RP bonus are probably negligable at best."

"But we're not forcing anyone to RP," he added, before turning his gun to face a petrified Insanician at a computer and yelling "TYPE, BITCH!" in her face.

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

SVECING HELL
Bassett in Bother

After the Kingdom of Elrich slipped to their fourth defeat in a row in the World Cup Qualifying campaign it is rumoured that the Elrichian FA is short-listing possible replacements for current manager Mike Bassett. Despite fielding a changed outfit the Badgers produced another unchanged poor performance in front of 80,000 dissapointed home fans in their first game at the new Elrich Arena.

Svecia always looked the better side and fully deserved their 3-1 win. Elrich full-back Danny Adams will go down as the player who scored the first goal in the new stadium, unfortunately for him in the wrong net. After 18 minutes a low cross from the right cannoned off Adams' thigh and into the net. Svecia dominated the possession and doubled their lead just before half-time, a neat one-two from the Svecian front two bamboozled the Elrichian defense leaving the Svecian forward to slot past the advancing Burns.

The second half started the same with Svecia on top and dictating play. But a slip in the Svecian defense after 62 minutes allowed Zebedee to race through unchallenged and lash the ball past the goalkeeper from around the penalty spot. The goal really got the crowd going and gave the Elrichian players some belief in themselves. The Badgers put the Svecian defense under a considerable amount of pressure, with Elrich and substitute Jamie Nudge forcing good saves from the Svecian keeper. However well Elrich played, Svecia always looked dangerous on the break and they put the game beyond doubt in the 81st minute after a quick breakaway from a corner. The Elrichian side left the field looking dejected to a muffled round of applause, with some jeering and booing clearly audible. Manager Mike Bassett was in a somber mood after the game,

"It just isn't good enough" Bassett said, "The fans deserve more than this, we just aren't playing well. If I knew what was wrong I would have fixed it by now. The fixtures computer has been a bit cruel, we've come up against four top sides in our first four games but not to have a point on the board is not acceptable. We've got the Jam Doughnut at home in a match we should win. Our next three games are winnable and hopefully we can get a bit of a run going."

Bassett refused to comment on the increasing speculation linking FA Chief Executive Bill Murray to the Elrichian hot-seat, and the rumours of Bassett's position being under threat. Hopefully a win against the pointless Doughnuts will give him a bit of breathing space.

Final Score - Elrich 1 - 3 Svecia

ELRICH - Burns, Hodgins, Adams (Scott 45), N'Stein, Jones, Allen, Zebedee, Banks, J Spinks (Ino 86), Murphy (Nudge 65), Elrich

William looked down at the newspaper with a furrowed brow. He shouted accross the room to his assistant, Colin.
"Colin?... Oy, Colin..."
"Yeeesss.. what is it your willness?" Colin asked, with a hint of sarcasm. William gave him a quick look.
"Yes... Colin, look at this table. Do you see anything funny about it?". Colin looked the table up and down.
"Well" he started, "You've got your feet on it, and your sandals are pretty funny..."
"No, retard, the table in the paper. Group three. Somethings missing...". Colin obliged and took a look


Group 3 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Tadjikistan 3 2 1 0 6 2 7 +4
Lethislavania 3 2 1 0 5 3 7 +2
Spruitland 3 2 0 1 7 6 6 +1
New Montreal States 3 1 1 1 6 5 4 +1
Lox Land Island 3 0 1 2 3 6 1 -3
Taken Names 3 0 0 3 2 7 0 -5

Colin couldn't find anything wrong. Tadjikistan top, Lethisvania second... ah, that was it.
"Ah, thats it"
"What?" William asked.
"Look, New Montreal States. They stopped playing football years ago."
"Ah, of course."

Jeruselem Government News

Tide wave sweeps WC XXIV Group 7!

No - not a Tsumani. No one dead. Just a bunch of upsets.

Crystilakere disposed of Southern Manchester 3-0 in it's typical manner and claimed top spot from Jeruselem. Southern Manchester was 4th and dropped to stone dead last!

Ruventsoria who have had two draws - beat Jeruselem (that's us for tourists reading this) 3-2 in a mightly upset. This dropped Jeruselem back to 2nd while Ruventsoria jumped to 4th spot. Ruventsoria really did just outplay Jeruselem who had to come back twice before the winning goal sealed the upset. We spoke the coach who said it was rather normal to Jeruselem to lose one of it's first four games and Ruventsoria were not bad team at all.

Haperd had a bad day too. Klakistany beat them 2-1 and they jumped into 3rs spot and Haperd dropped to 5th. They now really need a few wins.

Hypocria - poor old Hypocria. They should win against 0-0 Is Evil right, but no. They lost 0-1 to continue a dismay run of form.

This group is pretty open but Ruventsoria with one loss is the dark horse here. Klakistany is erratic with no draws and win or lose badly. Haperd and Hypocria are not having a good time at all but Haperd have been consistent at least.

Group 7
Ruventsoria 3 - 2 Jeruselem
Klakistany 2 - 1 Haperd
0-0 Is Evil 1 - 0 Hypocria
Southern Manchester 0 - 3 Crystilakere


Group 7 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Crystilakere 4 3 1 0 12 2 10 +10
Jeruselem 4 3 0 1 10 4 9 +6
Klakistany 4 2 0 2 5 7 6 -2
Ruventsoria 4 1 2 1 8 8 5 ==
Haperd 4 1 2 1 6 6 5 ==
0-0 Is Evil 4 1 1 2 3 7 4 -4
Hypocria 4 1 0 3 2 5 3 -3
Southern Manchester 4 1 0 3 2 8 3 -6

Time: 15:43
location: an abandoned warehouse somewhere in EL CID THE HERO

S.Sam is in the main hall with 2000 toasters on his left and a 150-ton tub of butter on his right. On a tower above him is his laptop with 375705634 examples of toast falling butter-side down and 3 examples of toast falling butter-side up. Both S.Sam and Kirby are upset about this result.

SS: well… this has gone… less than great.

K: Dude. We’ve been here for over 3 weeks. I’ve analysed every bit of data 1768 times and used enough energy to power 3 small cites for 8 months. And I STILL DON’T F**KING KNOW HOW TO BREAK MURPHY’S F**KING LAW. I HATE MY LIFE!!!!

SS: And I suppose you think this has been a picnic for me? He only gave me a day’s worth of food. I’ve been living on burnt toast from day 2. Do YOU have any idea what that’s like?!

K: Ok. Let us agree two things. One, this has been a horrible experience for both of us. And two, it all Doomhammer’s fault!

SS: agreed. He should be should be calling us in a few minuets, and then he’ll see how angry a man becomes after 2 and a half weeks of toast.

K: what will you tell him about out failure to break Murphy’s law?

SS: I’ll just tell him that I’m having no luck and I’ve lost the will to live.

K: and if he says we still have to work on it.

SS: Then I’ll eat my way through the barricades and risk the tower guards. At this point death is a release.

K: that ok for you. But I don’t have any lags. How do I… I’VE GOT IT!!!

SS: a part of me still wants to know how you can shout but what have you got?

K: I KNOW HOW TO BREAK MURPHY’S LAW!!!

SS: really? How?

K: “I hope nothing…

SS: WE TRIED THAT LAST TIME YOU STUPID MORON.

K: ok. Plan B. we build a…

The phone begins to ring. S.Sam picks it up.

SS: hello?

DH: Hi. It me Doomhammer. How are things?

SS: Sir. Was it really necessary to barricade the door and lock me in what is essentially a one-room prison?

DH: that’s the inherent beauty of a one-room prison. It focuses the mind. Makes it concentrate on the task at hand. Speaking of which, how is our little project going?

SS: Sir, you got to face facts. You can’t break Murphy’s law. It’s physically impossible.

DH does it sound like I care. Our next match is against Squornshelous and if we win we’ll be five points ahead.

SS: but it’s a law of physics.

DH: this is no time for your voodoo “physics”. It a law and laws can be broken. Just like the “the ECFA can’t spy on it opponent’s HQ” law. Find a way to break it. After that I’ll let you out.

SS: but the toast is starting to smell.

DH: Your. Problem. Anyway I have to go now. See you when you’re more successful

The phone line goes dead.

SS: well isn’t this just great.

K: Sid. I believe I have an answer.

SS: a real one?

K: yes. But its not going to be easy.

SS: ok then. Shoot.

Monday 22nd August 2005
Dear diary...

This is getting beyond a joke now...

First my little sister managed to wangle her way onto the subs bench. All well and good I suppose. But then everyone else's brothers, sisters, cousins, nephews and nieces decided they want a piece of the action, and so we're left with a bench full of brats and substitutes sitting on the grass. Now, I'm not trying to make excuses for a slightly below-par performance or anything, but surely the manager's job isn't making sure all the kids get an equal share of ice-cream.

At least we got Tiddles' sleeping arrangements sorted out this time - Judson, being the joker that he is, stuffed her up his jumper, put on a wig and pretended to be a pregnant woman. He weren't too happy when he found out it was his turn to share his room though... he kept complaining that the smell made him queasy.

Oh well, at least we managed to sneak a win. On the whole, it was quite an even sort of game... I guess we didn't really try as hard as we did against San-Lorenzo. We were, erm, saving ourselves for our next three games - yes, that's it. They had some shots on goal, and so did we. They fluffed a few, and so did we. Their keeper saved a few, and so did ours.

At least Brooksy had his shooting boots on. He's scored some cracking free-kicks in his time - this wasn't one of them though. In fact, he'll probably put it down as one of the spawniest he's ever scored, and maybe the most controversial one too. I managed to win a free-kick right on the edge of the area thanks to some bozo tripping me up as I was about to shoot. He unleashes one of his trademark thunderbolts, it gets a slight deflection off a defender and cannons straight into the goalkeepers face and into the goal. The poor guy's nose was completely smashed.

Well there we were celebrating the goal to a cacophony of boos from the home support, when one of the Kurumada FA blokes comes up to us and says "I wouldn't celebrate so much if I were you. You do know who that is in goal, don't you?" Well how on earth were we supposed to know that the keeper with the smashed nose just happened to be the nation's dictator? No-one bothered to tell us that the teamsheet has 'dictator' clearly written next to his name. Boy, were our faces red. Well, obviously not as red as his nose, but they were pretty damn red nonetheless.

Anyway, that rather handy win keeps us in second place two points behind Bedistan. We're coming up for some real tough games now, starting with Kericia over in Lorshill. Let's hope the fans are up for that one, we'll need a win badly cos I can't see us getting anything from our trips to Audioslavia or Bedistan.

Mind you, I'm glad the Bedistan game's being played in Hendersonburg - that's just down the road from my Grandma's house. I'll see if she can whip up one of her famous apple crumbles for me and the lads.


Kurumada 0
Bettia 1 (Brooks 62)

MD1: Bettia 1-1 PopularFreedom (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD2: Viszonia 1-3 Bettia
MD3: Bettia 4-0 San-Lorenzo (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD4: Kurumada 0-1 Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Kericia (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD6: Audioslavia vs Bettia
MD7: Bedistan vs Bettia (South Coast Arena, Hendersonburg)
MD8: PopularFreedom vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Viszonia (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: San-Lorenzo vs Bettia
MD11: Bettia vs Kurumada (Thamitra Gate, Tamrida)
MD12: Kericia vs Bettia
MD13: Bettia vs Audioslavia (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)
MD14: Bettia vs Bedistan (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)

We would like to apologise for any confusion our advertisement that accompanied World Cup 24 Qualifying Matchday Two may have caused viewers in Bipedal Apes. Rosterthreadilookedatum only causes unusually high levels of hair growth amongst human kinds, and does not have any effect on the DNA or evolutionary process of such creatures. The likeness to a bipedal ape was only the amount of hair on said hairy person.

We are sorry for any distress or confusion this may have caused.

Matchday five scores are now here! (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=9493987#post9493987)

Vikings win 3rd straight, prepare for trip to Starblaydia

Nolan continues his torrid scoring in the qualifiers with another goal and Dave Daniels provided the winning goal the push Fmjphoenix to their 3rd straight victory, this one being 2-1 over the new entrant to the World Cup, Tallionis.

The first half was a big bore, as the Vikings appeared quite sluggish, not really playing or moving very fast at all. About the only person remotly normal for Fmjphoenix was Powell Lamar, as he turned away the first 4 shots that were attempted by Tallionis in the first half. But the Vikings fared no better, as all 5 of their first half shots were turned out by the Tallionis goalkeeper Richard Hoen. Fmjphoenix lead in every aspect of the match, except the score stood at 0-0.

When the match started back up, Tallionis were the first to strike, as they got a header from Jason Tams off of a deflected shot. It was great awareness by Tams to capitolize off of the deflected shot, Lamar really had no move he could make to get the ball. Tallionis was up 1-0 at the 53rd minute. But Nolan made sure that the lead was short lived. Three minutes later, Nolan has his own header make it in past Hoen as he fove to try and stop it. But he was too late and it was now a tie at 1 all. The game winner did not happen until the 79th minute. Daniels recieved a pass from over 30 feet by Leider Duran that cleared over about 8 players from both teams. It hit Daniels right on the mark and Daniels was right on the mark for a 2-1 lead. Tallionis could not get around to challenge for another goal, as the VIkings relentlessly attacked whoever had the ball and did not allow Tallionis get closer than midfield to their goal. The match ended a 2-1 victory, keeping the Vikings in second place in their group and will ready to face the top seed and rival Starblaydia.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Tallionis: 1
Nolan 56, Daniels 79 - Tams 53

Fmjphoenix Goal Scorers:
Nolan 6
Daniels 3
Brown 2
McAllister 1
Grimm 1

Fmjphoenix's World Cup 24 Qualification:
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Geisenfried Draw 2-2
MD02: Fmjphoenix @ Naleoospalakintula Win 5-0
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Prince Aidan Win 4-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Tallionis Win 2-1
MD05: Fmjphoenix @ Starblaydia
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Harlesburg
MD07: Fmjphoenix @ Finrods
---------------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Geisenfried
MD09: Fmjphoenix vs Naleoospalakintula
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Prince Aidan
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Tallionis
MD12: Fmjphoenix vs Starblaydia
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Harlesburg
MD14: Fmjphoenix vs Finrods
Record: 3-1-0

For 'Heights,' Luck Runs Out

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- Finally, a Sarzonian national football team that has captured the world's top rank and won World Cup XXII has accomplished one goal they had never reached previously. The Stars defeated a team representing Commerce Heights, 3-0, in front of a delirious 58,923 at Bryan Marshall Stadium in the nation's capital.

After the final whistle sounded, the pitch was the scene for bedlam as supporters rushed the pitch, tore down the goals, and revelled with the Stars players after Sarzonia's first-ever victory over the Capitalizts. The celebration set off a riot in Woodstock that was borne of jubilation rather than anger at the government's handling of the war in Inkana.

"That was one phenomenal match," Coach Dave Wilson said. "I was concerned coming in that we weren't quite up to form after a 1-0 result against a bunch of footballing novices."

He shouldn't have worried.

From the opening kickoff, Sarzonia looked the part of a team that was ready to make history and nearly lost their best defender, Mike Coyle in the first minute of the match. Coyle aggressively tackled the ball away from a Capitalizt midfielder to lead the Stars charge and was booked by the Rejistanian referee, who also booked midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell for dissent just one minute later for arguing the call.

The Stars quickly regrouped as forward Brian Wilson called both players together to calm them down. Whatever he said to them worked because the Stars scored all three goals eight minutes apart, starting with a Brian Wilson penalty kick after forward Barry Alphonso was fouled in the 18 yard box. That tally started the scoring off in the 11th minute, and by the 20th minute, the result was hardly in doubt.

"We done shook up the world, yo," defender Trevor Crenshaw yelled as the scoreboard began to read read Sarzonia 3:0 Commerce Heights FINAL.

"Let freedom ring," said assistant coach Barry Owens, who returned to the Stars sidelines for the first time since the Legalese national team disbanded along with the rest of the country. "About [expletive] time we beat those wankers!"

The Stars (5-0-0, 15 points) stretched their lead over second place Commerce Heights to a full five points, and with the team's next opponents, Caprine States, losing 1-0 to Kylaai, they have a full six point lead for at least a playoff berth in the Finals. However, Dave Wilson stressed caution.

"We're only five matches into qualifying," he said. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. This is only one match of 14." Then he cracked a wide smile that was not a harbinger of one of his many jokes. "But this one is sure going to be memorable."

ASS KICKED, NAMES TAKEN

Valdemont ecstatic over local high school's 1-0 win over Taken Names

VALDEMONT - Valdemont Acadien head coach Henri Brebeuf couldn't look as time wound down on what looked to be a 0-0 draw at Patriot Stadium, and an embarassment for his school and players who were out on the field.

But he didn't have to worry. A last-ditch drive by the Paladins ended with forward Chloe Lefevre scoring at the 88th minute, driving the assembled crowd of 125000 into a frenzy and taking the States to a 1-0 win over Taken Names.

After time went out, fans swarmed the field to celebrate, ripping up the hedges and cutting up the goal nets as souvenirs before swarming onto the streets with a victory parade.

National coach Jene-Rene Filon had this to say about the whole affair: "First off, for 88 and half minutes of that game, we played like Barney the dinosaur out there, y'know? We were all 'I love you, you love me, we a happy f*cking family,' and we can't let that happen again. We do that next game at Shearer Heaven, we gonna get our asses whooped big-time, trust me. Oh yeah, Chloe, I owe you one, way to come through, get us 3 points, yada yada yada. You don't need that pep talk, you can get any woman you want in this city right now, so I'll just shut the hell up and get over to my next team."

After Filon left, the press searched the room for Lefevre, only to be informed by reserve keeper Sebastian Tremblay that he was "in his happy place."

NEXT MATCH

The Paladins travel to Shearer Heaven to play the upstart Magpies. Coach Filon had this to say: "Well now, these guys have big-ass mouths, but they've been doing okay, pulling off a couple of fairly surprising draws and beating Spruitland. Should be a good game, and those "Magpies" have been playing good enough that I won't need to worry that much about a bunch of pansy ass bastards like the team I just had worrying more about their hair than their opponents. Sheesh."

GROUP 3 UPDATE

Lethislavania and Tadjikistan both lost yesterday (to Spruitland and TnUI repectively) to drop them into a 3-way tie for third place with the Paladins at 8 points each. TnUI is running away with the group right now with 13 points, and Spruitland is in second place with 9. Lox Land Island picked up their first win in qualfying, 1-0 over Shearer Heaven.

A dispute of sorts has broken out over TnUI's decision to produce group rankings that deny the exsistance of Shearer Heaven. The "nonexsistant nation" has complained, while fellow group member Lox Land Island has decided to adopt these tables as well. The Ministry of Morale kept changing the subject whenever we asked them to take a stand, and coach Filon shrugged and said it sounded kinda stupid to him, "but what do I know anyway?"

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/tn/tieot.gif



Colony Cup II




-------------------It has been Seven Cups since this many empirical puppet entities have competed together in the same competition for a common goal. Then, it was Colony Cup 1.1, a step off the original Colony Cup, which never finished, and the prize was a place in World Cup 17's qualifying stage. The names have changed but the prizes more lucrative, with puppet entities of some of the most reputable names in sport, Vilita, Starblaydia, Rejistania, Bedistan and Fmjphoenix squaring off against each other for a place in sports greatest spectacal, the World Cup.

-------------------Of the five nations competing, just three were involved in the first and only completed running of the Colony Cup. For Nova Britannicus, Colony Cup 1.1 was their first venture into competitive international competition. Now the same nation sits as outside favorites to lift the Colony Cup trophy. It was not one of the up and coming 'super puppets' that was victorious in that inagural completion of the Colony Cup, however, but an old standout in it's last hurrah. Avenging Altos, a reputable slave of the Progressan empire claimed Colony Cup glory as their nations very existence lay in the balance. While the old guard triumphed, it was semi-finalists Turori and Pedriana, and debutant Nova Britannicus who would forge ahead and build their reputations as the best empirical colonies in the world, watching former powers Avenging Altos and The Evil Umpire, Colony Cup 1.1 finalists, crumble under the pressures of international conflict.

-------------------Both Turori and Nova Britannicus have established themselves not only as competitive colonies, but competitive nations in international sport, with Nova Britannicus making swift appearances in the World Cup Finals, and Turori joining it's empirical master Vilita in the top ten in the World rankings, and later the top 5, before battling to their current position ahead of their colonial masters in the world rankings. Within Group 1 of World Cup 24 Qualifying, Colony Cup 2 will consist of 8 matches, home and away legs between each of the five puppet entitites, with the winner being crowned on the basis of total points at the conclusion of all matches.

-------------------After Five Qualifying Matchdays, the Turori Eels have taken the lead in the Colony Cup II Table after a commanding 3-0 victory over Nova Britannicus. A double from Jutar Ranaso and a third from Malaino Mumamba's free kick moved Turori into sole possession of first place with a perfect 3-0 record, and no goals conceded after three matches. The shock of the Cup so far came when Pedriana hosted Dauna Hills, and the Fmjphoenixian side overcame their experienced counterparts, although having played one extra game. System Karela has been anything but Karela like in their opening Colony Cup matches, conceding four goals against leaders Turori to bump their total to a cup-worst 7 conceded in just three matches.

Colony Cup II---------- -
1- Turori 3 3 0 0 10-0 9
2- Nova Britannicus 3 2 0 1 4-4 6
3- Dauna Hills 3 1 0 2 2-6 3
4- Pedriana 2 0 1 1 2-3 1
5- System Karela 3 0 1 2 2-7 1


Nova Britannicus 2 - 0 Dauna Hills
Dauna Hills 0 - 3 Turori
System Karela 1 - 2 Nova Britannicus
Turori 4 - 0 System Karela
Pedriana 1 - 2 Dauna Hills
System Karela 1 - 1 Pedriana
Turori 3 - 0 Nova Britannicus

------------------------------







-------------------In the rest of World Cup 24 Qualifying, The Eels have come out victorious against Milchama and Liverpoolian, in addition to their perfect record in the COlony Cup, to top Group 1 with 15 points and a +14 goal differential double that of their closest competitors. Both The Lowland Clans and Nova Britannicus sit just 3 points back with the clash against the Lowland Clans still to come for the table topping Eels. The top three have already built a barrier in their qualification quest, 6 points clear of fourth placed Pedriana who have enjoyed more success against Non-Colony Cup opposition to keep them in contention for the World Cup Qualifying Positions.




Group 1 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Turori 5 5 0 0 16 2 15 +14
The Lowland Clans 5 4 0 1 10 3 12 +7
Nova Britannicus 5 4 0 1 10 4 12 +6
Pedriana 5 1 3 1 6 6 6 0
Dauna Hills 5 2 0 3 6 9 6 -3
System Karela 5 0 2 3 5 12 2 -7
Milchama 5 0 2 3 5 14 2 -9
Liverpoolian 5 0 1 4 5 13 1 -8


Turori 4 - 1 Milchama
Dauna Hills 0 - 3 Turori
Turori 4 - 0 System Karela
Liverpoolian 1 - 2 Turori
Turori 3 - 0 Nova Britannicus

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Wabbits waste chances

Spruitland – New Montreal States: 2 – 4
Shearer Heaven – Spruitland: 2 – 1

A disappointing double defeat on matchdays three and four has made the Wabbits’ qualification chances melt like snow under a urinating Druidan. Two fine, if not surprising, victories over Taken Names and Lox Land Island had put Spruitland at the top of the table, but that lasted even less long than expected.

Cor Bensen’s cautioning words about so-called ‘little teams’ had barely echoed out when an aghast Spruitland crowd saw the Wabbits fall flat on their faces against New Montreal States, who steam-waltzed over the home team in the last twenty minutes.
But the worst was yet to come.

In one of the darkest days in Spruitland’s brief football history, three more points were squandered away in a humiliating match against Shearer Heaven. With a lacklustre performance by the defense and strikers who failed to convert chances, these 90 minuites were an absolute torment for Spruitland football fans, causing a record number of television sets to be demolished around the time of the final whistle.

“That was just… painful,” team captain Frederic Juneau winced. “I hate it when the foreign press mis-spells my name. It’s Juneau, not Juneo!”

“Oh, and the match was painful as well, of course. And we only have ourselves to blame. Against New Montreal States, we were outplayed in the last fifteen minutes, plain and simple. But today… we were just awful.”

The Wabbits’ losing streak has dropped them back down to fourth place, not too far behind the top three, but with only the higher-ranked teams to play in the first half of Qualifying.

“I just hate being right,” Spruitland coach Cor Bensen says. “Like I said before, the ‘little teams’ are playing a big role in many groups, snooping points away from the bigger teams left and right. I was hoping we – being somewhat stuck in the middle – would be able to take advantage of that to sneak into a Qualifying spot. Turned out to be easier said than done.”

“This puts the pressure on us. Now we have to take points away from the group favorites. From Lethislavania at the very least, but preferably from the Tadjiks and the Insanicians as well. The next three matches will be decisive for us.”

Spruitland – New Montreal States: 2 – 4
1-0 Jools (18’)
1-1 Perron (58’)
2-1 Beck (62’)
2-2 Brault (73’)
2-3 Pilon-Austin (79’)
2-4 Beaudoin (86’)

Shearer Heaven – Spruitland: 2 – 1
1-0 Emre (23’)
1-1 Horst (79’)
2-1 Shearer (85’)

Pschychoes in a Skid

Squornshelous Third in the group, taking only 1 point from matchdays 4 and 5
After winning their first three matches 2-0, 1-0 and 2-0, Squornshelous has suddenly been unable to find its offense, being held scorelessby EL CID THE HERO and Groba. A few new starters in midfield may be seen in the match against Oliverry. The Pschychoes have been one of the most boring teams in qualifying thus far, scoring only 5 goals and allowing only 2, for a total of seven. Something drastic must be done in order to kick start the attack that once led all teams in qualifying in goals for. Expect the Pschychoes to coe out swinging against Oliverry. Manager Ricardo Colon has announced that the team will play in a slightly more aggressive 4-2-2-2 formation, and that the midfield and forwards will be shuffled witht eh resulting starters as follows:

LS - Brian Guerrero
RS - Drew Nelson
LAM - Antonio Venegas
RAM - Ivan Smolenski
LDM - Petr Skritsch
RDM - Gunnar Thorsen

Akbar Tsang and Franz Persson will both take a seat on the bench for at least the openeing of matchday 6. The defense will remain unchanged, and the starting keeper will be Darius Lepard, with Jorge Fernandina on the bench, along with the three other subs, midfielder Andres Smitz and defenders Urlo Gregories and Mike Roberts.

Group 9 Standings after Matchday 2:

Group 9 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
EL CID THE HERO 5 5 0 0 11 2 15 +9
Nedalia 5 4 0 1 11 5 12 +6
Squornshelous 5 3 1 1 5 2 10 +3
Oliverry 5 3 0 2 7 4 9 +3
Tonissia 5 2 0 3 3 9 6 -6
Groba 5 1 1 3 5 10 4 -5
Palixia 5 1 0 4 3 7 3 -4
Trianland 5 0 0 5 1 7 0 -6


Squornshelous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins draws losses
Matchday 1: Squornshelous 2-0 Tonissia
Matchday 2: Trianland 0-1 Squornshelous
Matchday 3: Squornshelous 2-0 Palixia
Matchday 4: Groba 0-0 Squornshelous
Matchday 5: Squornshelous 0-2 EL CID THE HERO
Matchday 6: Squornshelous v Oliverry
Matchday 7: Squornshelous v Nedalia
Matchday 8: Tonissia v Squornshelous
Matchday 9: Squornshelous v Trianland
Matchday 10: Palixia v Squornshelous
Matchday 11: Squornshelous v Groba
Matchday 12: EL CID THE HERO v Squornshelous
Matchday 13: Oliverry v Squornshelous
Matchday 14: Nedalia v Squornshelous

Embarrasment!

After 1st Win As Well !


No-one in shearer Heaven could be bothered to comment on the match so all they could say was they were probably tired from Beating Spruitland and maybe cocky from beating The Under 21 World Cup 19 Champs.


Shearer Said This

I Cant believe it! After our win as well! well the lads were tired
and weve got a couple of good things out of this Marjoram Did Very Well And So did the rest of the Marjorams and Perkins And Norton But the rest (Including Myself )Were Crap!!
Thats all Alan Said

2 goals, 1 point

"It is a bad thing to concede, but it has to be noted that this is the first point, we reached! This is a reason to celebrate despite the bad taste which is conceding a goal." This sentence of the high priest of Karela summarizes pretty much the mood in Divensirsk after the 1:1 draw against Pedriana. the Karelans defended very well, but despite that, the Pedriana Colonial Lions could score against our glorious defense. In the 86th minute, when most people expected the Colonial Lions to win, the Karelans used one of their seldom, unexpected and dangerous *tt*cks. Boris Karpa again showed that he needs few chances: After two unsuccessfull counters, he eventually scored the deciding goal and saved one point for System Karela.


System Karela drew

The Temple did not allow any more reports then that the match in and against* Milchama ended even and not scoreless. It was said Makariy Savva and/or Boris Karpa scored, but these reports are unconfirmed. Several System Karelan fans were shocked due to the match and are in the hospital of Divensirsk.

*I know, this is a weird formulation, but i use it often because I expect rejistanis would say "Milchama'ra ji 'ja". This makes sense in Rejistanian not in English

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b274/John_Spinks/Elrichlogopaint.jpg

ELRICH GO NUTS AS WE BEAT THE DOUGHNUTS!!!!!!
Elrich 2 - 0 The Jam Doughnut

The Kingdom of Elrich finally got their first win in their World Cup Qualifying Campaign against the small nation of the Jam Doughnut. Both sides came into the game with no points on the board, and it was Elrich who ended this run. A 2-0 victory, the first at the new Elrich Arena, was greated with a mixture of delight and relief from the Elrichian faithful as they watched their side dominate proceedings.

A changed Elrich side saw Richard Hodgins and Peter Spinks come in for N'Stein and Adams in defense, with Jamie Nudge replacing Gez Murphy partnering Elrich up front. The Badgers were fast out of the block with a lovely passing move straight from the kick-off ending in the plump goalkeeper Doughnut Man saving well from a Robin Banks header. Elrich up front was instrumental and his over-head kick cannoned off the cross-bar after 8 minutes. The Elrichian faithful did not have to wait long though, after only 16 minutes a spectacular volley from Banks was somehow saved on the line but Elrich was there to prod home and send the Elrichian fans wild. The Badgers continued to press forward but found the visiting goalkeeper in inspired form, and so they entered the half-time break one up.

The second half came and Elrich, still somehow failed to extend their lead missing some gilt-edged chances with Zebedee being guilty of possibly the miss of the season when he somehow hit over when it looked easier to score. The longer it stayed at 1-0 the more tense and nervous the Elrichian fans became and it looked as if disaster struck when Denrokt Afro raced through on goal, but after rounding the goalkeeper Burns the angle was tight and the covering Hodgins managed to clear off the line. With all the tension in the game, when Elrich finally made it safe in the 83rd minute the goal was met with wild celebrations. Jamie Nudge, who had looked impressive all game beat his man on the left and cut in before unleashing a curling beauty from the edge of the D which sailed into the top right-hand corner of the goal. Nudge raced away to his celebrate with his manager Bassett, in a sign of support for the man who gave Nudge his chance in international football. The final whistle was greeted with chants of Mike Bassett's Red and White army, a sign that the big man is still the main man for Elrich.

Bassett: "I always new we could do it. It's been a horrible last few matches, but days like this make it all worthwhile. Jamie Nudge was fantastic throughout and score a peach of a goal, to include him in the team was a bit of a gamble but it looks like it paid off. The fans were brilliant today, let's hope there is more to come."

Final Score - Elrich 2 - 0 The Jam Doughnut

Elrich - Burns, Scott, Hodgins, P Spinks, Jones, Allen (Singh-Queen 89), Zebedee, Banks (Ino 90), J Spinks, Elrich, Nudge (Murphy 90)

The Jam Doughnut - Doughnut Man, Horkroft, Hendroft, Krebnob, Bulch, Dentro, Billybobetrite, Afro, Henro, Matthewman, Doughnut Dude

2005-08-22

Sharks finally win first match at World Cup in front of pro-San-Lorenzo crowd.
One day ban due to riots in Sunday's Kericia match (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9491303&postcount=199) enforced by PopularFreedom undercover military officials.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - In front of the most civilized crowd the North Beach Sharks will ever likely play in front of, our national team finally defeated an opponent despite the loss of their starters due to flying back for today's semifinal in the Vassfforcia tournment in The Heartland region.

Most tickets evidently were picked up by happy San-Lorenzo supporters who were only too willing to pick up tickets at regular price online as opposed to pay scalpers insane prices at the gate. A few PopularFreedom fans did try and sneak in undetected but they were arrested on the grounds by undecover agents and arranged to be sent back to PopularFreedom as soon as possible.

As the match started most of the Shark players observed the grounds around them. Veteran Alex Walters of the Sharks noted that it seemed almost surreal to have no drunken cheers from the fans as they took the field.

With the loss of the Shark fan energy the San-Lorenzo players were able to use their 'home' field advantage to their benefit controlling much of the game from the start.

At the 11 minute mark after dominating the opening minutes, the San-Lorenzo Lions found themselves deep in the Shark zone. Midfielder Antonio Ferraro found himself with the ball after it was cleared out by the Lion defense. After running down the sidelines he found himself running out of room as Shark defender Paul Hendelson forced him to the outside. Ferraro all of a sudden raced forward with the ball with Hendelson in pursuit before Ferraro crossed the ball into the centre of the box. Lion forward Abawi Wahid rushing for the ball found himself collecting the ball with an gaping net in front of him as Shark goalie Jonan Restabull was repositioning himself after the cross. Wahid launched a shot which sailed over the gaping net to the gasps of the pro-San-Lorenzo fans.

As the game progressed the Sharks were better able to prevent rushes by San Lorenzo front three midfielders and forward however the game seemed to relegate itself to the Sharks trying to get the ball into the San-Lorenzo zone before coughing it up to one of the seven San-Lorenzo defenders who would clear the ball out of harm's way.

As the 1st half drew to a close the shot count was quite low and both teams exited the field to a chorus of boos from bored spectators.

As the 2nd half begun the Sharks made one change substituting William Welsh in for a bumbling Willis Omare.

Welsh seemed to add the spark needed for the Sharks as his youthful enthusiasim and energy brought the Sharks play to life on the field. Within the first few minutes of the half it was evident that the Sharks were now the ones in control of the play on the field though they still could not get much past the seven defenders of the Lions.

Coach Dennis Viltacore in around the 60th minute all of a sudden yelled to his players during a goal kick by the Lions, 'formation, formation, formation'. The Sharks quickly altered their positions and within a few minutes it could be seen that they were now playing more of a long ball style themselves using a 3-1-6 formation after the change. This change seemed to wear down the Lions quicker as the Lions defense found themselves under constant pressure now. Finally at the 67th mark William Welsh was able to head a Glen Owens corner past the outstretched arms of Lions goalie Jeff Kader who seemed to be out of position on the play.

At the restart the Sharks changed back to their typical 3-7-0 formation when (star striker Shawn) Peruvo is not on to try and cause the Lions to force the play more and hopefully allow them to run up the score a bit more.

The Lions however were not able to mount much of a counterattack with their 7-2-1 formation and the Sharks kept clearing out all rushes into the Shark zone until the final whistle.

After the game the PopularFreedom players were celebrating in the locker room their first victory of the World Cup while coach Viltacore talked with reporters. Though not in any mood to answer many questions he did address the one day passport suspension of all PopularFreedom fans in that he noted, 'we have the best fans in the world though they need to remember we need them to cheer us on from the stands as them being in jail does not help us'.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Chemindus shares drop precipitously after revelations of fraudulent advertising

by Clammoo

Moorestown, Druida-- Big revelation by Trevor Trevor, corporate counsel for Druidan pharmaceutical company Chemindus (ticker: CCD) that marketing executives had “Jumped the gun in claiming that Rosterthreadilookedatum increases human evolutionary metabolism,” resulted in shares losing over seventy percent of value overnight. With Bipedaleen Stock Exchange officials looking into question of whether Chemindus bigwigs profited from sale of inflated stocks during company’s brief skyrocket in value, legal sanctions and even bankruptcy may be coming for venerable Druidan company.

Rapid rise of Rosterthreadilookedatum

Readers will recall that Chemindus began advertising Rosterthreadilookedatum two months ago with television campaign aired during World Cup qualifying matches-- and thus carried throughout known world-- depicting male human child taking drug and then transmogrifying into bipedal ape. Immediately after ad campaign began, Chemindus’ sales went through roof and stock price followed suit. Many quick-thinking humans and apes, realizing price of Chemindus shares would likely octobuple in value, threw caution to wind and shoved life savings into CCD stock.

As time went on, however, and promised effects of Rosterthreadilookedatum failed to materialize in majority of purchasers, some began to get suspicious. Two weeks ago Chemindus stock took a slight hit when it was revealed Bipedaleen Drug Administrative Bureaucracy had never vetted Rosterthreadilookedatum for safety or efficacy before release; Chemindus claimed at time that drug was never submitted to BDAB because, “Rosterthreadilookedatum [was] not intended for bipedal ape use, being a drug designed for human consumption.” Trillions of gullible human (and millions of gullible ape) investors bought explanation, and stock recovered quickly. But bomb was dropped yesterday.

Life savings lost

Chemindus called emergency press conference at 8 AM RBA coastal time, setting investors on edge and freaking out markets worldwide. Rumors abounded, thanks to near-collapse of CCD bubble two weeks earlier. But share price held steady until time of conference as people and apes held out hope announcement would focus on recall of some other Chemindus product.

However, at eight o’clock, shame-faced Trevor stood up behind podium and revealed, “Rosterthreadilookedatum only causes unusually high levels of hair growth amongst human kinds, and does not have any effect on the DNA or evolutionary process of such creatures.” In hours following, sell orders on Chemindus stock swamped exchanges across civilized universe. From opening high of 254.875 bananas sterling, price of a share dropped to BS11.500 before eventually rising back to BD 22.53125 by end of day.

Tens of thousands of investors saw savings turn to dust. Balwoopa, director of Bananavestments’ Big Money Growth mutual fund, said her fund lost eight percent of its value in a day. For many individual investors, hit was worse. Glummpa, retired weaver at Consolidated Federated Weavers, National had recently converted eighty percent of her BS25,000 portfolio to Chemindus stock. “I’m ruined!” she shrieked when informed of fraud. “Now how will I eat or pay rent?”

Several salivating advocates have already announced multi-billion banana sterling class-action lawsuits to be pursued through trans-border courts. Chemindus, for its part, denies any wrongdoing. “It was a simple misunderstanding,” Trevor told reporters later, in bar. “Chemindus never claimed that Rosterthreadilookedatum turns people into apes. It was all just special effects and advertising!”

Zingo happy

Zingo, outspoken professional humbug who recently appeared on Crosswire to claim just that, danced happily around living room as fiasco played out. “I right! I right!” she is reported to have sung. It not clear whether she was delighted at own vindication or by massive schadenfreude.

2005-08-22

Kurumada goalie questionable for tomorrow's tilt with PopularFreedom.
Coach Viltacore notes his team will be prepared for anything.

INTERNATIONAL REPORT - After their win today against San Lorenzo one would have thought that PopularFreedom Sharks coach Dennis Viltacore would have been happy to discuss the game however he was more concerned with tomorrow's match against Kurumada.

'They had some good goaltending from their dictator but with his broken nose, in the game today against Bettia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9494027&postcount=222), I rather doubt he will be in net for our game and he was the reason for their [Kurumada's] win over Audioslavia (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9471685&postcount=116) earlier in the World Cup, well Audioslavia's formation did not help much either, but he was the main reason. Still we can't be taking them for granted. Peruvo and the remainder of the starters will be back from the Vassfforcian tourney for tomorrow's game so for sure we will have offensive power. Our fans will be back in the stands too so they will give us a huge boost for sure.'

Kodiak Daily Rabbler
Pride May Be Returning

Kodiaks Knock Off Limbrogidlia, Pound Praying2God
Over Their Bump In Time For Top Teams?

Two games ago? They were dead in the water. But after an angry CFA President threatened to scrap the squad and send in new players, apparently the National side figured out how to score.

The team showed up (finally) in Limbrogidlia. After looking horrible in losses to unknowns Nobbsinia and Hurfordia, the Kodiaks finally pounded a team they were expected to beat in a 3-0 victory. Olani Pjan surprised all by scoring two goals in the 17th and 85th minutes, as Jude Westington scored a final nail in the final minute of injury time. Any tiredness or whatever cause the lackluster Kodiaks to be as dull and not driven was apparently gone, as the defensive back finally stopped shots and Raslan Seregn finally played as the star goalkeep he was last tourney.

Many questions were answered in Southampton, as the Kodiaks returned to face off with a dangerous Praying2God. Instead of a whitewash predicted earlier in the week, the Kodiaks smashed past P2G with a resound 3-0 victory that put the team only one point out of an automatic qualifying slot. Yeo scored his first international hattrick off of three penalties in the 8th, 32nd and 75th minutes.

There is no rest of the Kodiaks as they head off on a crucial three-game road swing that takes them to group leaders Cockbill Street and Oaker as well as the return game with South Packerlands. If the Kodiaks hope to qualify (and have Quonesh not scrap them all) they need at least a 1-1-1 showing. Of course, there is some pressure for a three-game sweep of the sides in order to push on through towards the Finals.

Kodiaks XXIV World Cup Schedule
MD01: The South Packerlands [W 2-1]
MD02: @ Nobbsinia [L 0-1]
MD03: Hurfordia [L 1-3]
MD04: @ Limbrogidlia [W 3-0]
MD05: Praying2God [W 3-0]
MD06: @ Cockbill Street
MD07: @ Oaker
MD08: @ The South Packerlands
MD09: Nobbsinia [at Stadia Lia, Acadia]
MD10: @ Hurfordia
MD11: Limbrogidlia [at Cananite Pavillion, Paradiso]
MD12: @ Praying2God
MD13: Cockbill Street [at Southampton National Square]
MD14: Oaker [at Grand Douala Palazia Centre]
----------------------------------------------------------------------

No, no rabbling yet. But if the Kodiaks can upset the mighty group leaders from one of those streets (and not stumble like they did against Nonesuch) then maybe the rabbling to victory can commence. They're not out of it yet, but they have to keep the momentum up. - ChicanadaSun.org

Look who discovered their rankings. Now they have to play above it if they want to beat the #9 and #20 teams in the world...on the road no less. We're not holding our breath that Quonesh won't be changing coaches after the Oaker game. - Cana Daily Press

Did the thought of Real or Mission scare these blokes and blokette into playing right? Or did their paychecks finally clear. They better play like this for the rest of thr tourney as P2G and Hurfordia are still breathing down the nation's necks. - Canal

Huzzah! - CFA President Quonesh

Comments from the Progressa TeleSport message board

1-0 1-0 1-0 - crap game, who cares? Bring on the next two crap teams [speakyamind193]

CRAPPULI! CRAPPULI! CRAPPULI! Could have been 4-0 but we were unlucky. Hope our luck's being saved for when we need it [7u53rw1nn3r]

I LOVE YOU OLOG!!!!! MARRY ME!!!!! [goaldengirl9]

goaldengirl9, I think he's already married to Margaret. Why else have we won again? [cynic1248982]

Chi Sun-Times-Tribune-Star-News

Sports Section

Inside: Milchama looking for applications for new coach

Milchama finally scores goals but also gives up goals. Fairbanks wins next week or done

The Milchama Warriors finally opened the score books today but also the defense again struggled giving up 3 goals to a Karelan team! And got a draw 3-3 at home against System Karela. Coach Jonathan Fairbanks, whose job is on the line unless he gets a win against Liverpoolian in our next game, did some drastic changes after the game adding two defenders in the side and decided to play the starters of the Milchama U21 squad on defense for the game against Liverpoolian. He explained saying "We have had two good defensive outings in this tournament in 5 games and this cannot continue if we want to actually compete for a place in the World Cup or at least to compete in the Cup of Harmony." Added to squad Kendric Pevington and Mills Thompson. Subtracted from squad Miles Brandon and Patrick O Brian.

Match Report:
The crowd in Cholderim Field wanted more and so did the players of Milchama after their embarassing performance yesterday. The rioters in Swooton seemed to fire up the Warriors who came out and played to much more of their potential then they showed in their last two game combined. They came out firing in the first 10 minutes. Billy Timmons and Darian Flinters controlled the midfield and the Warriors in a weird strategy by Coach Fairbanks decided to basically play an 7-0-3 throwing his midfielders as strikers and putting them strait into attack. Their constant attacks produced because System Karela being true to their Rejistanian roots played something akin to an 10-0-0 and were for some odd reason hard to score against. The game continued much in this fashion Milchama throwing just about everybody in front and System Karela waiting back and playing very good defense. In the 19th minute the first goal was scored by System Karela. David Gerasim found Makairy Savva in the box and Savva scored to give System Karela the lead. This made the offensive from Milchama more pressing and really put the Karelans on their back foot. Despite this offensive where it was basically a 10-0-0 against a 0-0-10 there were no goals scored until the 28th minute when Flinters did his usual dance and run with the ball getting around foward Karpa and the two midfielders Savva and Kiru. Flinters then found Copperlee in the box and Copperlee showed he was the leading goal scorer in the MFL last year scoring a beautiful goal to tie the game at one. This goal the first in over two games for the Warriors really energized the side who managed to score again just two minutes with Feders feeding a perfect cross to Floren and he put in his second goal of the tournament to make it 2-1. It looked like Milchama would go into the break up 3-1 when J.J. Faren found Timmons but the refs called it offside. Score at halftime 2-1.

Second Half:
The second half began very little like the first half as the System Karelans put 5 men in attack and pounced in a very cheap goal when Savva found a wide open Karla. Boris Karla the offensive defender (as they call him in System Karela) took the shot and easily scored to make it tied at 2. The Karelans pressed on getting a wonderful counter attack thru pass from Savva to Karla again and again Karla scored to make it 3-2 to System Karela. After this goal Karla was subbed for a defender. The Warriors were now up against a wall down by one to a Karelan team. Luckily Fairbanks knew what he was doing as he was an assistant coach in defensive minded Collonie for a few years. He put made a perfect substitution taking out Kunalin and putting in Rintell. Johnny Rintell made an immediate difference as he skated thru the defense with the ball time after time. Finally in the 80th minute Rintell after making to Karelan defenders jump out of their boots he found Flinters wide open right outside of the box. Darian got the ball cut inside of one defender and shot. The shot was saved beautifully by Sullivan but he gave up a rebound which Floren got to first and he easily shot it over the diving keeper into the net for a tie.
Final Score
Milchama 3 (Copperlee 28, Floren 30,80)
System Karela 3 (Savva 19, Karla 47,53)

Memo: Milchama looking for new coach

The MFA and related entities are looking for applicants to be the coach of Milchama. These people do not have to have any qualifications except that they have coached a professional football (soccer) team at one point in their lives. We do not expect much from our coaches except that they improve performaces from past cups and so far Coach Fairbanks has not done that. We need a coach that will get us out of seventh place where we finished last cup WC23. Also we have the right to terminate your offer at any time. Go Warriors!!!!!!!

THE ARCHREGIMANCY BRINGS YOU

WORLD CUP TONIGHT

The Archregimancy Group 10 Highlights programme

With Father John the Golden-Throated and Father Nicholas the Scribe


"I'm Fr. Nicholas the Scribe. Welcome to World Cup Tonight, and match day 5 of World Cup qualifying. Tonight our brave footballing monks were at home against Jewish Citizens in a crunch match to decide who really are God's chosen team. We now go straight to the Dreamed Stadium - the Belly of Jonah's Whale - for highlights. Fr. John the Golden-Throated is your commentator"

"...they kick-off. Just one change to the Archregimancy's usual starting XI today, with Fr. Nicholas the Hermit deciding to spend the weekend in a period of fasting and personal reflection, Fr. Demetrius of the New City starts alongside Fr. Silouan of the Seventy Caves up front...

...pestilence and famine. Fr. Michael the Lesser comes forward on the right, a quick one-two with Fr. Pavel the Wanderer. He crosses it in... flicked on by Fr. Demetrius and FR. SILOUAN SCORES! THE HEBREW DEFENCE WAS NOWHERE! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! Fr. Michael conjures up a miracle from thin air - and well might the substitutes bench venerate the Holy Icons in gratitude! What a fantastic start from the lads.

...and Fr. Michael the Lesser is having a storming first 20 minutes. Jewish Citizens seem completely unable to contain his surging overlapping runs on the right. He takes the corner himself... swings it in. FR. MICHAEL THE GREATER! THE GOALKEEPER PARRIES! FR. SILOUAN!!!! IT'S FATHER SILOUAN AGAIN!!! My, my - an almost exact replay of the Archregimancy's first goal against Wella in matchday 4 - send the corner in, rely on Fr. Michael the Greater's height to cause havoc, and then watch Fr. Silouan clean up. Magnificent stuff - and we're 2-0 up after only 20 minutes.

...and I'm not sure what's happening here... It looks like Fr. Andrew the Twice-found is having an argument with the Rabbi on the Jewish Citizens bench. I think... yes, I believe Fr. Andrew's an expert on ancient Hebrew mysticism, and... yes, it looks like he's trying to argue with the Rabbi on some obscure Kabbalistic point. Fr. Andrew takes a dim view of the Kabbala, and... oh dear, the referee's going to have to sort this one out. It looks like a bit of a scuffle on the sidelines here. And a yellow card to both Fr. Andrew and the Rabbi. Completely unnecessary. Coach Kyrill is immediately substituting Fr. Andrew, bringing on Fr. Michael the Equally as Learned as Father Constantine of Simonopetra, thereby complicating my commentary job - but he had to do that. Fr. Andrew may well believe he has a valid point, but you can't afford to get sent off in a World Cup qualifier for this sort of thing.

...hope this second half is as enthralling as the first. And almost immediately Fr. Justinian the Thrice-blessed pulls off a near-miraculous save from a long-range Jewish Citizens free-kick. Fantastic stuff. And the crowd's in full voice now, with the polyphonic Hallelujahs ringing around the ground.

...takes the short goal kick, forward to Fr. Dmitri, who immediately launches a long bomb upfield, but it looks like the Hebrew 'keeper will claim it... OH MY! A comical mix-up in the Hebrew defence, with the goalie colliding with one of their defenders, and... both players knock each other out, leaving Fr. Demetrius of the New City with the simplest of tap-ins to score. GOD BE PRAISED! Fr. Demetrius almost looks embarrassed by that one - but it's the Jewish Citizens who should be red-faced over that disaster.

...3-0 up with an hour gone. And Jewish Citizens have looked like a ragged mob rather than a football team today - is this really the squad that upset Spaam? Oh dear. No sooner do I say that than the Hebrews pull one back, completely out of nowhere. A bit of a miscommunication at the back there. I think Fr. Michael the Greater was expecting a call from his team-mate, but had temporarily forgotten about Fr. Dmitri's vow of silence. The Hebrew forward slipped through the gap, and Fr. Justinian could do nothing in goal. Still some problems at the back, there.

...fouling Fr. Polycarp, who's had a quiet game. Fr. Polycarp takes the free kick, and - another foul, this time just outside the box. Fr. Polycarp and Fr. Silouan both prepare to take it, and - OH MY - A MAGNIFICENT PIECE OF TRICKERY! Fr. Polycarp slyly taps the ball to Fr. Silouan before the Hebrews can properly form their wall, and Fr. Silouan shoots the ball straight past the unsuspecting goalkeeper. And the referee lets it stand! A hat-trick to Fr. Silouan! This Hebrew defence is proving to be considerably easier to breach than Masada ever was for the pagans.

...with a last minute consolation goal. A rare corner to the Jewish Citizens, and our defence is caught napping again. The referee blows his whistle, and it's a magnificent 4-2 victory for the Archregimancy - the players are parading the Holy Icon of the Mother of God, Bringer of Victories around the pitch as the fans go wild with another round of polyphonic Hallelujahs..."


"Welcome back to the studio. And that victory leaves us increasingly well-placed for an almost miraculous play-off spot. Fr. John?"

"I can hardly believe it myself, Fr. Nicholas. Let's have a quick look at the other Group 10 results...

Rejistania 2 - 2 Eauz - If I was a Rejistanian, I would be slightly concerned about the team's highly un-Karelan scores of late - shipping two goals at home? Scoring over three a game? But otherwise these two squads are essentially through, barring an unlikely late collapse. We're fighting for a play-off spot - the other two results are far more significant

Wella 1 - 2 Spaam - Just what we wanted. As long as Spaam keep losing to the unranked teams, but beating the mid-ranked teams, we stay in the hunt. This result guaranteed we'd have a better record than both of these former World Cup stalwarts

Kaze Progressa 1 - 0 Poppuli - Once again, just the result we needed to guarantee that we'd be above both teams on the matchday five table. Frankly, this was a vital result for Kaze Progressa, whose campaign would have been more or less over without a win here

And as for us - we're on track, just as we'd hoped (thank the Lord). We wanted four points from the first four games against the four best teams in the group, and then hoped to rely on good results against the three lower-ranked teams (no disrespect to Kaze Progressa). Having done precisely that so far, the table reads as an unlikely, but highly encouraging:"

Group 10 Pl W D L F A Pts GD
Rejistania 5 4 1 0 18 2 13 +16
Eauz 5 4 1 0 14 4 13 +10
The Archregimancy 5 2 1 2 7 10 7 -3
Spaam 5 2 0 3 6 7 6 -1
Kaze Progressa 5 2 0 3 6 12 6 -6
Wella 5 1 2 2 9 10 5 -1
Poppuli 5 1 1 3 4 8 4 -4
Jewish Citizens 5 1 0 4 6 17 3 -11

The Bedistan Sports Digest
now with constantly changing header format!

EDITORIAL

Individual glory getting in the way of team goals?
by Wesley Rivera

All seemed well for the Bedistan Lions so far in World Cup 24 qualifying. No goals conceded, ten scored, and twelve points from four matches - utter perfection. Well, the goals conceded column is unchanged after the Audioslavia match, but so is the goals scored column, since the match ended in a 0-0 draw, humiliatingly putting the team tied for second place in The Daily Druid's Karelan Wooden Spoon contest. What happened?

Some might argue that Audioslavia are the best team in the group besides Bedistan. This, of course, is hogwash. Come on, people, they lost to Kurumada. That theory holds no water, plain and simple. No, there is only one explanation. Various sports publications, including the BSD itself, have recently been making note of goalkeeper Tom Pratt's feat of being unscored upon so far in qualifying, a streak that now extends to 472 minutes. Here's what I'm thinking: the team is wanting that number to go as high as it can. After all, Pratt is one of the team's more popular players and he seems to be well-liked by everyone. And of course it wouldn't be wholly altruistic - if you don't concede any goals, you can't lose. Yes, I am suggesting that the Lions have become Karelans of the worst sort. Not saying that all Karelans are bad, just that these are the type who completely forgo all offense whatsoever. It's a bad habit to get into, and they're going to need to break it if they don't want to be schooled by Bettia, who now trail them only by a single unit of goal difference.

The opinions expressed in this editorial are not the opinions of the Bedistan Sports Digest, the Bedistan Football Association, the Bedistan Ministry of Sports, or anyone else apart from the author. Actually they probably are somebody else's opinion, but don't blame them for it.

CasariONENews

2-2 Draw ispires crying, bloodlust
Stupid Draw makes people stop what they're doing and curse

"I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate draws." Manager Vivica Hill said, sighing. "To lesser ranked opposition, too."

When asked about the same thing, Coach bridges searched for words before saying, "Well... it wasn't a 0-0 tie."

Damage to Coach Bridges car is still being investigated by the police. The car was found flipped over and covered in excrement.

"Ok, ok. Ties blow."

Casari will try to avoid more ties tomorrow, while in a tie for fifth with 4 points with Sonaron, and ahead of today's opponents Nanakaland on goal difference.

The final comments today from Striker Ronalo, who tried to settle the chanting crowds outside.

"It was a tie, I know. But please, it always helps to not resort to violence."

Casari police report that in Tyrellia, Queenstown, and Cambridge, fans have resorted to violence, and insurance companies report that "Hooligan Insurance" claims are up nearly 450 percent.

Memo: Milchama looking for new coach

The MFA and related entities are looking for applicants to be the coach of Milchama. These people do not have to have any qualifications except that they have coached a professional football (soccer) team at one point in their lives. We do not expect much from our coaches except that they improve performaces from past cups and so far Coach Fairbanks has not done that. We need a coach that will get us out of seventh place where we finished last cup WC23. Also we have the right to terminate your offer at any time. Go Warriors!!!!!!!

A New Montreal Apartment, mid-evening

Jean-Claude: Here we go again with the job applications. Can't you just enjoy the life you got without rushing off to the other end of the world?

Patrice: Nope.

Jean-Claude: If you got turned down by a bunch of monks, why would a team of normal athletes want you?

Patrice: Because I'm a good coach, and they won't care that I'm not a good theologian.

Jean-Claude: Oh yeah, "monoenergism". You think we'll ever hear about that again?

Patrice: Maybe on Final Jeopardy.

Jean-Claude (after a pause): They gonna care about that little accident?

Patrice: I don't see anything on that list of requirements about an intact manhood.

Jean-Claude: It might be one of those things that goes without saying.

Patrice: I guess we'll see. You up for a post as assistant-coach-without-a-clue if I get the job?

Jean-Claude: Can it. You know I'm gonna end up carrying you all the way.

Patrice: Sure, and I'm Paris Hilton.

-----------------------------

To: The MFA and related entities

Sirs -

I respectfully submit my application for the post of head coach of your World Cup soccer team. Enclosed is my resume and CV, including references from my time spent as head coach at several top-notch NMS high school programs, including two that are currently representing the NMS in the world cup.

I remain,

Patrice Thibault

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Late goal keeps Wabbits in the running

Lethislavania – Spruitland: 1 – 2

With ten matchdays to go, calling this match ‘decisive’ might seem a bit exaggerated, but that’s effectively what it was for the Spruitland Wabbits. Having lost too many points where they shouldn’t have, the Spruitlanders needed a win against Lethislavania to keep the hope of Qualifying alive, and this time they did not disappoint.

Lethislavania did not make the Wabbits’ task an easy one though, giving them a decent sized hill to climb with an early scramble-goal that had Simon Briers shouting at his defense. Briers has been unable to keep the sheet clean in five matches now, and the growing frustration was clearly visible on the face of the normally composed goalkeeper.

But there was very little reason to criticize Briers after this match. A performance marked by determination rather than flair kept the Lethislaves from extending their lead in the first half hour. And after that, the Wabbits, slowly but surely, started to swing the match in their favor.

A strong and energetic midfield with team captain Frederic Juneau in particular refusing to hold back in the duels was what made the difference, and before half time the Wabbits had several opportunities to even the score. Jonas Horst was not having the best of days though, as he managed to miss two near-certain goals from close range.

It was Dirk Jools instead who shoved the equalizer into the net, ten minutes into the second half. Jools certainly didn’t play the most remarkable match of his career, but he did manage to score, and that is after all what a striker is for. It was his fourth of the Qualifying campaign, though his “I’ll score in every match”-streak came to an end when he didn’t get a goal in against Shearer Heaven.

But despite the equalizer, the Jools-Horst duo up front was not working at full efficiency, and with time running out, Cor Bensen called for a double substitution, giving the Under-21 World Cup winning striker duo Sala-Provoost a shot at pulling the three points Spruitland’s way.

Their youthful energy paid off, resulting in a final rush worthy of the name, but it was the third substitute that scored. Young central mid Ziggy Wilander, replacing team captain Juneau who battled til his last breath, tapped in a simple rebound after a shot from Provoost had hit the post, scoring his first international goal.

“I don’t score all that often. But I save it for the important moments,” Wilander would say after the match. And an important goal that was indeed, as it made the difference between 2nd place or 5th place in the group.

The Wabbits are not yet out of the woods though. To stay on schedule, they’ll need to get at least three points from the next two matches, and with an away match in TnUI and a home match against Tadjikistan, the favorites for the top two spots in the group, that might be a tad too ambitious.

Lethislavania – Spruitland: 1 – 2
1-1 Jools (55’)
1-2 Wilander (88’)

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Crazy happenings afoot for Two-Footers

By Bonga

Liamtown, Liamist States-- For first time in history, RBA national side tops table in World Cup qualifying after Two-Footers defeated Marmadukes of Liamist States two-one. But with top squads in group, Liverpool England and Lovisa, coming up in next two months, Coach Ms. Throckspartle’s players have their most difficult work ahead.

Though Throckspartle stated months ago on national television that Two-Footers would likely beat all four sides ranked below them in group, her ambivalence when making prediction did little to inspire confidence among supporters. Fans now are riding high as RBA looks to be in contention for qualifying spot in tournament proper next year.

Against Marmadukes, Tribuana continued on form, scoring fourth goal in five matches, while Hobnottica contributed first of campaign, coming off bench in second half. Drommidge added another remarkable performance as well, allowing one goal to bring total for five matches to two.

Question now is whether Two-Footers can manage at least a point in next two matches. Though fifteen points put RBA atop group two, losses to Lovisa and Liverpool England could put squad well back in group. Terminators of LE have lost only to Lovisa, while Lovisans lost only fluke opening match to Deadites.

While this all fine and good if no other sides in group perform up to snuff-- apes possibly could wind up strong third-- if Marmadukes find form or any lower-ranked sides have strong second half of qualifying, Two-Footers could face trouble. But managing draw in either of next two matches would likely put apes in second or third place in group, and no worse than fourth if Marmadukes win next two.

Still, for at least a month, it happy joy time for RBA footie supporters. Plenty bananale to be drunk and peels asmoking in celebration.

Two-Footers goal summary through five qualifying matches:

Tribuana: 4 (Flatulent Islands, Clavis, Zanziik, Liamist States)
Barsoom: 2 (Dedostan, Zanziik)
Trinandurnan: 1 (Zanziik)
Hobnottica: 1 (Liamist States)

The Lions are in Trouble

San-Lorenzo has played very poorly through qualifying so far, getting only two draws and three losses, allowing four goals in two of those. The one bright spot in our play here was a phenomenal preformance against perrenial powerhouse Audioslavia, where the Lions were able to score one goal and hold the 'Slaves to a draw. Other than that, there has really been very little to cheer about for the Lions, who thankfully, are entering the easier part of qualifying, against some other first time teams. With luck, we will be able to rise from our spot near the bottom of group 11 to actually matter in this cup. It will be extremely difficult to qualify at this point, but we will try our best anyway.

WARRIORS ESSENTIALLY ELIMINATED

Any dreams that the Praying2God Warriors had of qualifying for the WC have essentially been squashed already by their lack of effort in their first five matches of qualifying. With only one win in four matches against far inferior opposition, getting blown out by the 29th ranked team in the world (third best in the group) was not an acceptable result if the Warriors had any remaining hopes of qualifying. However, most fans and people in the Praying2God Soccer Association were realistic enough to realize that this WC was likely to be a learning experience, as the Warriors adjusted to playing a new formation and since they missed WC XXIII, costing them many spots in the rankings. Warriors Head Coach Paul Johnson has already publicly stated that the rest of qualifying will be spent reinvigorating the offense, which has lately been extremely passive on the attack. We have heard rumors that the players held a closed door meeting after their most recent match, which was a good refresher in humility as they got thouroughly thumped. The team is not confirming those rumors. At this point, the best the Warriors can hope to do is to play spoiler to the other teams hoping to qualify.

We find ourselves in a small, sparsely decorated office. A small sign on the desk reads "Arthur Sweets, Minister". But Minister of what, exactly? We answer our own question as we look at the stationery on his desk, which contains a header including the text "Ministry of Notable Trends, Arthur Sweets, Minister". The Ministry of Notable Trends? Well, the ministry isn't notable, at any rate - few outside the government know of its existence.

"Let's see, what's next?" Sweets - well, we assume the guy seated at Sweets' desk is Sweets himself - muttered to himself. "Ah yes, football teams styling themselves the Lions." A long long time ago, you see, Bedistan was the first known nation to use the moniker. Since that time, it has become highly popular, perhaps due to Bedistan's great success. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that, you know. Sweets started scrawling some notes on the notepad in front of him. First he wrote "Bedistan", of course. Then, of course, the three other current World Cup participants using the name - Ruventsoria, Nedalia, and San-Lorenzo. Thinking, he thought he remembered another nation from not too long ago, one that had participated in a fairly recent Baptism of Fire, but he couldn't quite remember which nation. And had there been others? Most likely. At any rate, at least five nations have at one point called their national football team the Lions. "Now I understand what the BFA was thinking back in Twenty," Sweets commented, referring to the Association's decision to change the national team's name to the Green-Blues, a change met with distaste from the fans and reverted shortly afterward. But then he looked across the room to one of its few decorations - a large poster of the World Cup 21 team. "Nah, we are and always will be the real Lions," he laughed.

ooc: I don't actually have a problem with all the different Lions coming in from all over the place, it's just kind of interesting to note. And admittedly somewhat confusing when two of them are in the same group... ;)

ooc- You know, I was just noticing that myself. I've always been fascinated with the fact that in American college basketball, there's a preponderance of teams named "Bulldogs" and "Wildcats." I guess some nicknames just lend themselves to teams of particular sports. I await the day there's another "Two-Footers."

We find ourselves in a small, sparsely decorated office. A small sign on the desk reads "Arthur Sweets, Minister". But Minister of what, exactly? We answer our own question as we look at the stationery on his desk, which contains a header including the text "Ministry of Notable Trends, Arthur Sweets, Minister". The Ministry of Notable Trends? Well, the ministry isn't notable, at any rate - few outside the government know of its existence.

"Let's see, what's next?" Sweets - well, we assume the guy seated at Sweets' desk is Sweets himself - muttered to himself. "Ah yes, football teams styling themselves the Lions." A long long time ago, you see, Bedistan was the first known nation to use the moniker. Since that time, it has become highly popular, perhaps due to Bedistan's great success. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that, you know. Sweets started scrawling some notes on the notepad in front of him. First he wrote "Bedistan", of course. Then, of course, the three other current World Cup participants using the name - Ruventsoria, Nedalia, and San-Lorenzo. Thinking, he thought he remembered another nation from not too long ago, one that had participated in a fairly recent Baptism of Fire, but he couldn't quite remember which nation. And had there been others? Most likely. At any rate, at least five nations have at one point called their national football team the Lions. "Now I understand what the BFA was thinking back in Twenty," Sweets commented, referring to the Association's decision to change the national team's name to the Green-Blues, a change met with distaste from the fans and reverted shortly afterward. But then he looked across the room to one of its few decorations - a large poster of the World Cup 21 team. "Nah, we are and always will be the real Lions," he laughed.

ooc: I don't actually have a problem with all the different Lions coming in from all over the place, it's just kind of interesting to note. And admittedly somewhat confusing when two of them are in the same group... ;)

San-Lorenzo Lions has a nice ring to it, but don't expect that nickname to stick. I'll eventually come up with something as original and unique as Pschychoes.

Olav Nett, Spruitland’s Minister of Sports, was in the middle of a satisfying yawn when he noticed the envelope from the Vilitan FA in the mail basket. He knew immediately what it was, of course, and reached for it with mixed feelings.

On the one hand it would be fun to read what the Vilitan public relations types had come up with to refuse King Alfons’ application for national team manager in a diplomatically acceptable way. Turning down a King was certainly not a task he’d like to be burdened with.

But on the other hand, Olav would be the one who’d have to bring His Majesty the news afterwards. Not exactly something to look forward to either. Hmm, perhaps he could make the letter disappear to make it seem as if the Vilitans never replied. That certainly wouldn’t be inconceivable.

As he started weighing the pros and cons of that idea against each other, he ripped open the envelope and started reading. A good five seconds later, he was slamming the intercom button and shouting at his secretary.

“Get me Martin Backer on the phone! Now!!”

* * * * *


Martin Backer, President of the Spruitland Football Association, was reading the letter for the third time. As the first two times, he was shaking his head in disbelief, and muttering the same words, over and over again.

“They’re nuts… absolutely friggin nuts…”

“They must be really hard up for a manager,” Olav said, slumped behind his desk.

“They’re nuts, is what they are!”

Backer started reading the letter a fourth time, still shaking his head, but when he was halfway through it he shrugged, sighed deeply, and looked up. Nothing he could change about it, they’d just have to deal with it.

“You know,” he said after a moment of thought. “Maybe it’ll work out alright after all.”

“It will? How do you figure that?”

“Well, they only want him to manage the Vilitan squad for two matches. Part of a whole try-out selection procedure thingamajig. Two matches isn’t too bad. In fact, I’d say that just about covers His Majesty’s attention span. Or, well, maybe it stretches it a bit even, but that’s perfect, see. After those two matches, he’ll be so bored with the whole managing thing he’ll be glad it’s all over.”

The Minister was nodding thoughtfully behind his desk, though not entirely convinced yet.

“Still though. Two matches may not be a lot, but it’s enough to screw up. And those Vilitans are a bit fanatic about their football. If Alfons isn’t careful – and let’s face it, he won’t be – we could have a war on our hands here.”

“Naah, it shouldn’t come to that. At least His Royal Whackoness was right about one thing: those Vilitans can play a pretty decent game of football. Even if he has them do a Naked Twister marathon and sends them onto the field in pink tutus, they should still win.”

“I sure as hell hope so,” Olav sighed, unable to be as confident about it as Backer seemd to be. “Who will the opponents be, anyway?”

“Oglethorpia and Hockey Canada, both home games,” Backer said, and Olav Nett relaxed visibly.

“Oh. Yeah, I suppose he’d have to come up with something extraordinary to make the Vilitans do badly against those teams…”