NationStates Jolt Archive

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.

Dunno. It would creep me out if one of my parents were constantly suggesting women to me - that's just not right. :p That is, specific women, rather than the occasional "when are you going to get married" talk, which is just an annoyance.

Because obviously you haven't met the right person.:p Just kidding.


Seriously, I think most people are just uninformed and think you (by you I mean an asexual) percieves it as a problem, so they are trying to be helpful.

I don't see why people can't accept other orientations. I mean, your mom will accept you if you were a lesbian, but not if you're an asexual? It's not a phase and it's not really a choice (like homo/heterosexuality).

I also hate it when my mom points out any guy who is good-looking and says he's cute... because the guy in question is normally my age, and my mom is 43, and it's kind of creepy and awkward. Then she asks if I think anyone is cute/hot/attractive/whatever and I'm like, "wtf?!"

I find that I can sympathize with you a lot sometimes...

Because obviously you haven't met the right person.:p Just kidding.


Seriously, I think most people are just uninformed and think you (by you I mean an asexual) percieves it as a problem, so they are trying to be helpful.

Queen's Fruity Trumpets. :fluffle:

The human is an extremely sexually active organism, compared to most animals. I think basically its like telling someone that you don't feel a desire to sleep, eat, drink, etc. It's just something that is expected to be in everyone because of our biological makeup.

Of course, it could be that your hormones or whatnot got messed up somehow, and your asexuality is caused by the lack of sexually driving hormones. Or something like that. But hey, don't look at me for answers.

Someone here at some point said something about sexual attraction being like a spectrum of sorts. At one end are the nymphomaniacs, at the other are the asexuals, and the everyone else is somewhere in between. I don't have any factual basis for this idea, but it seems sensible.

As for why people don't accept asexuality the way they accept homosexuality and heterosexuality and bisexuality. It could be as simple as very few people knowing anything about it. Since they've never heard anything like it before, they're skeptical, but hearing that one guy likes another, well that's believable. After all, people can relate somewhat to being attracted to something other than what they personally are attracted to. Straight people can easily imagine what it would be like to be gay, since it's the same thing aimed at a different group of people. But it's harder to imagine being asexual, since that's something totally different and unfamiliar. And people in general aren't fond of the unfamiliar.

Dunno. It would creep me out if one of my parents were constantly suggesting women to me - that's just not right. :p That is, specific women, rather than the occasional "when are you going to get married" talk, which is just an annoyance.

A lot of it is the marrying stuff (like she'll point out a dress or something and say how good it would look on me when I get married, or other things like that), and then some of it is talking about my friends and saying that we'd make a cute couple, pointing out movie stars and saying "Don't you think he's cute?" Stuff like that, and it all adds up and becomes really annoying.

Because obviously you haven't met the right person.:p Just kidding.


Seriously, I think most people are just uninformed and think you (by you I mean an asexual) percieves it as a problem, so they are trying to be helpful.

I guess that's why the asexual community is working on increasing visibility and awareness, so that people know that it's not a problem.

A lot of it is the marrying stuff (like she'll point out a dress or something and say how good it would look on me when I get married, or other things like that), and then some of it is talking about my friends and saying that we'd make a cute couple, pointing out movie stars and saying "Don't you think he's cute?" Stuff like that, and it all adds up and becomes really annoying.

She's obviously just being greedy and just wants to get some grandkids out of you to repay for the torture you gave her as a minor. Screw her. :p

Seriously, though, people have the idea that marriage is one's ultimate goal in one's personal life, so she's just trying to steer you in the direction of what she thinks is best.

I guess that's why the asexual community is working on increasing visibility and awareness, so that people know that it's not a problem.

We're here!
We're asexual!
That's difficult to rhyme with!

Off hand? I'd say because sexuality is such a big part of how people view the world that it is hard for those with it to try to understand what life would be like without that drive.

It would be like me trying to get you to understand my deafness, you really can't.

That being said, if memory serves you've stated a number of times that you are scared of sexuality, so I think more people are likely to take it as a phobia of some kind that can be overcome than more lack of sexuality.

A lot of it is the marrying stuff (like she'll point out a dress or something and say how good it would look on me when I get married, or other things like that), and then some of it is talking about my friends and saying that we'd make a cute couple, pointing out movie stars and saying "Don't you think he's cute?" Stuff like that, and it all adds up and becomes really annoying.
Could be your mother's age and culture. My wife's mother is convinced that my wife cannot be a good woman unless she bears my children, stays home, and gets up to make me breakfast every morning. Every time my wife sees her mother I have to spend about a week telling her that's her mother's beliefs, not mine and I can make my own toast thank you very much.

Actually, you are not missing out on much let me tell you. If one were to have no sexual attraction, imagine how clearer ones thoughts would be, how much free time one would have, and how much one would be able to focus and accomplish things that actually have other significance. Consider yourself lucky, honestly. Go out and live your life, care not what others say, and be happy-- sexuality is one piece of the puzzle that you don't have, but, rather than think of it as anything wrong with you, think of this puzzle piece that blurs out the entire puzzle for everyone else, throwing it out of proportion, even making the other pieces seem irrelevant; so much so that we often times willingly remove pieces of our own puzzle merely because they are skewed by this one peice-- you are lucky to be the way you are. (I hope the puzzle analogy wasn't too confusing).

We're here!
We're asexual!
That's difficult to rhyme with!

I think one of the slogans they've used is "Asexuality: It's not just for amoebas anymore."

It would be like me trying to get you to understand my deafness, you really can't.

I can't truly understand what it feels like to be deaf, but I can accept that you are.

Of course, it could be that your hormones or whatnot got messed up somehow

I can't completely rule that out in my case, because I haven't had that tested, but other asexuals have had their hormones tested and were normal.

I don't believe assexuality exists naturally. I believe it's people surpressing their natural emotions for a reason not actually know to them conciously.

I can't truly understand what it feels like to be deaf, but I can accept that you are.
Perhaps, but try dealing with me on a day to day basis and see how quickly you forget about it and make a comment about, oh say, the killer sound in a movie threater and how it felt like you were there, wasn't it awsome?

I wouldn't know because surround sound is totally lost on me.

It's not the best of annologies, but the point behnd it is that when you lack something that everyone else has, people just have one hell of a time thinking about what that might mean.

You, of course, have it worse than I do. Physical lacks can be explained or shown, internal lacks however... well, that's much harder to 'prove' and there's always some idiots who cheerfully state that if you just try you can overcome it.

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.

It's your mom. She's supposed to be maddeningly in your business because she's worried about you and your future happiness.

As for asexuality -- I never think about it one way or the other, because I'm not really that interested in other people's private lives. The only time I ever hear about it is when you post about it.

Don't think, though, that heteros don't get nosy questions, or that homosexuals don't either... I got years of "When are you giving me grandchildren/great grandchildren" and even women at work think they have the right to tell me, "OH, you should have children -- I know you say you don't want them, but trust me, you'll regret it."

I feel like telling them, "Trust me -- it's none of your business."

The human is an extremely sexually active organism, compared to most animals. I think basically its like telling someone that you don't feel a desire to sleep, eat, drink, etc. It's just something that is expected to be in everyone because of our biological makeup.

Of course, it could be that your hormones or whatnot got messed up somehow, and your asexuality is caused by the lack of sexually driving hormones. Or something like that. But hey, don't look at me for answers.

I dont' think it's a problem for most asexuals. I think the asexual community needs to keeps asexuals aware of the fact that they might have a medical condition and they might need to get a hormone check. But all orientations have their health concerns, it doesn't make the whole orientation invalid.

I think most people are asexual just because that's how they were hard wired. Just like any other orientation.

I don't see why people can't accept other orientations. I mean, your mom will accept you if you were a lesbian, but not if you're an asexual? It's not a phase and it's not really a choice (like homo/heterosexuality).


At least with lesbianism, there's *some* chance of grandkids being in the picture. :p

Anyway, I can understand why *parents* care - it's the random guy on the street who doesn't need to know.

Seriously, I think most people are just uninformed and think you (by you I mean an asexual) percieves it as a problem, so they are trying to be helpful.

I gotta agree. Asexuality is not something that's put out in the open. They don't teach it in sex ed, and they don't tell people about. I just found it through h2g2. So, yeah.

You, of course, have it worse than I do. Physical lacks can be explained or shown, internal lacks however... well, that's much harder to 'prove' and there's always some idiots who cheerfully state that if you just try you can overcome it.

Yeah. I haven't really encountered that as much yet (I'm only 17, they don't want me to have sex, they just want me to be sexually attracted to people), although I've read accounts of other asexuals who have. Several of them have tried having sex, and when they still weren't attracted to people afterwards the people just change to saying that they just weren't doing it right, or it wasn't the right person. How many times should someone have to try having sex before they can say that they don't want to have sex and have that be accepted? I say zero, other people seem to think that people should never be able to feel that way. :rolleyes:

I gotta agree. Asexuality is not something that's put out in the open. They don't teach it in sex ed, and they don't tell people about. I just found it through h2g2. So, yeah.

That's true. There have been a few things on TV about it (like there was an episode of the Montel show about it), some articles, and a couple of studies.

I don't believe assexuality exists naturally. I believe it's people surpressing their natural emotions for a reason not actually know to them conciously.

What like a post-traumatic-stress-induced supression? Wouldn't then you be able to find something along those lines linking all of those people.

I gotta agree. Asexuality is not something that's put out in the open. They don't teach it in sex ed, and they don't tell people about. I just found it through h2g2. So, yeah.

I was trying to look up Asexual Reproduction on Wikipedia and was lazy about it as usual. Didn't quite get where I was going.

I guess people just think it's strange because it flies in the face of human survival and propagation instinct. Same reason people think it's weird or awful when somebody says they don't want children, particularly a woman.

Asexuals are lucky.

I don't believe assexuality exists naturally. I believe it's people surpressing their natural emotions for a reason not actually know to them conciously.

Where's the line between a quirk and a 'problem'. The line between being tall and giantism? Between having a low sex drive and being asexual?

*muses*

You have never had your grandmother ask when you'll get a girlfriend.

Sooooooo awkward.

You have never had your grandmother ask when you'll get a girlfriend.

Sooooooo awkward.

My grandmother annoyed me with the "when are you going to give me grandkids," one time too many while we were in a Chinese restaurant, so I pointed at a waiter and said, "Hey, do you think he's cute? I do. Let's clear off the table and he and I can get to work on it RIGHT NOW."

You don't want to know what the drive back with my mom was like. Longest hour of my LIFE.

It can't be a "problem" physiologically, given that to be such it would have to have something to do with genetics. The fact that there are asexuals makes it impossible for it to be genetically-linked.

I'm pretty sure that leaves psychology as the only other option...

I have a hard time identifying with this... how do you define a sex drive?

"I'd do that"?

You have never had your grandmother ask when you'll get a girlfriend.

Sooooooo awkward.

Come on now, everyone gets that eventually. ;) Well, except maybe teenaged parents. But they get all the breaks, really. :p

Actually I take that back. Maybe asexuality is nature's way of doing eugenics?

Dunno. It would creep me out if one of my parents were constantly suggesting women to me - that's just not right. :p That is, specific women, rather than the occasional "when are you going to get married" talk, which is just an annoyance.

I think it's cool that someone feels the same as I do. I think men are too untruthful until they buy their first adult diaper, and women don't know anything of substance until they stop putting tampons under the sink.( generally speaking of course :) )

The human is an extremely sexually active organism, compared to most animals. I think basically its like telling someone that you don't feel a desire to sleep, eat, drink, etc. It's just something that is expected to be in everyone because of our biological makeup.

Of course, it could be that your hormones or whatnot got messed up somehow, and your asexuality is caused by the lack of sexually driving hormones. Or something like that. But hey, don't look at me for answers.

in my case it was more of too much sex too early, thus causing premature burnout. :(

My grandmother annoyed me with the "when are you going to give me grandkids," one time too many while we were in a Chinese restaurant, so I pointed at a waiter and said, "Hey, do you think he's cute? I do. Let's clear off the table and he and I can get to work on it RIGHT NOW."

You don't want to know what the drive back with my mom was like. Longest hour of my LIFE.

Ho-ly shit, I am using that line. I am using it the first chance I get. :D

First of all, I'm sure your mother means perfectly well--but you probably already knew that.

As for why she doesn't understand... well, it doesn't help that hardly anyone understands. Whereas there is a strong psychological consensus that homosexuality (or bisexuality, among other possibilities) is a legitimate "orientation" toward sexuality, perfectly normal in the sense that people of diverse sexual orientations are capable of leading full, healthy lives (though it helps if the rest of society leaves them alone).

Asexuality, however, has not been subject to the same kind of extensive research, and for that reason (among others) there is little consensus as to how we should understand it. Many psychologists consider it a form of hypoactive sexual disorder or sexual aversion disorder, and there is no clear explanation for what causes it (or even if there is a consistent cause). It is apparent, however, that some percentage of non-human animal populations are asexual (just as some percentage of many non-human animals are homosexual), suggesting some biological basis. It is also quite clear that if it is a sexual orientation, it is one of the least common.

Perhaps one reason that people find it harder to "accept" than homosexuality is that most adults consider romance and sex an important and rewarding part of our lives. While mature, reasonable people understand that a person may fulfill this part of themselves with a variety of people and according to a variety of choices, we worry about someone who does not experience that kind of connection at all: whereas we can say without qualification that homosexuals are capable of a "full and healthy" life, we're not as convinced that a life without romantic attraction is truly "full" in an important sense.

As things stand, my attitude is something like this: whether we classify asexuality scientifically as a "disorder" or as an "orientation," there is utterly no reason to marginalize people or even to make them feel pressured to change based on their preferences (or lack thereof) and lifestyle.

On the other hand, suppose that asexuality is something that can be modified--suppose hormones have gone wrong, or psychological issues have resulted in an aversion to sex. In that case, while I think there is no reason to pressure someone to change, I would favor giving people the option to seek "treatment" that might open them up to the possibility of a romantic relationship.

Think of it this way: if there are people out there who lack the sense of taste, I wouldn't pick on them for it. But I would understand perfectly well if they wanted to go to a doctor to have taste buds installed, because tasting food is great.

Of course, I would NOT favor any kind of "cure" for homosexuality, because such a cure is not about "opening someone up," it's about closing down their natural preferences in favor of the preferences favored by society.

On a scientific note, if there WERE a "treatment" for asexuality, I wonder if asexuals who "sex up" would wind up being homosexual or heterosexual in proportion to the rest of the population?

Yes, the sex drive can be a serious distraction from more important or pressing concerns. Yes, romantic attachment has its obvious downsides, and I have sometimes wished that I could simply "lose" that part of my emotional make-up.

But I have two questions.

First, for the people who have experienced romantic attachment and/or the pleasure of sex: would you really want to have never experienced that?

Second, for the people who have not experienced romantic attachment and/or the pleasure of sex: if a treatment could temporarily give you that sense, so that you would have the opportunity to choose based on experience--either return to asexuality or continue the treatment--would you want to try it?

(Actually, here's an interesting alternative for the "sexuals": if you could temporarily completely eliminate your sex drive and romantic feelings using drugs, would you try it?)

For the sake of argument, assume that there are no significant physical side-effects, and besides the inevitable trade-offs (e.g. the pain of breaking up and the emotions that go with it) there are no significant emotional side-effects to either treatment. They don't give you ulcers, and they don't directly induce depression. They just turn a switch "on" or "off."

If I could temporarily turn off my sex drive without side-effects, I'd definitely do it. Otherwise it might depend on the side-effects. Hell, if they'd sell it over-the-counter, I'd buy a bottle every time I'm facing a deadline! Still, I don't think I'd stick with it for an extended period. At some point I think I'd miss those feelings.

Even so, I understand it may be a difficult decision. After all, even if there are no measurable psychological side-effects, such a change would have an inevitable effect on how we think about ourselves.

First of all, I have no problem with asexuals, though in a few years (after I get married) I might pity you the same way I would pity a deaf or blind person - you're missing out.

People have a problem with asexuals because they're even odder than homosexuals - it's difficult to imagine someone without a sex drive. I can sorta imagine it. The reason is that I started puberty later than normal, so I can more clearly remember having no sex drive. Ironically, it was during this phase that I first learned about asexuality, and briefly wondered if I was asexual myself.

As for the whole "dating" thing, I'm in an odd situation. My parents have been encouraging me to ask girls out. One aspect is the fact that I never got together with any school friends outside of school (except at youth group events). It's not like I don't like any of the girls - there are two in particular I like. I just haven't been able to work up the nerve to ask one out.

Anyway, I'm going off to college, so I may have more opportunities there. I already have a friend in the area - a girl I met on my Israel trip last summer who I was close with, lives 45 minutes from me. We've corresponded by e-mail to try and set something up.

The funny thing is, my parents aren't pushing me towards marriage, but that's ultimately what I'm looking for. It's another aspect of modern Orthodox culture I've absorbed - they stay totally abstinent in school, then they get married in college. It fits in with how I deal with a girl I like - I attempt to become her friend first. In theory, after I'm comfortable with her - and know that she's comfortable with me, I'd ask her out.

Yes, the sex drive can be a serious distraction from more important or pressing concerns. Yes, romantic attachment has its obvious downsides, and I have sometimes wished that I could simply "lose" that part of my emotional make-up.

But I have two questions.

First, for the people who have experienced romantic attachment and/or the pleasure of sex: would you really want to have never experienced that?

Second, for the people who have not experienced romantic attachment and/or the pleasure of sex: if a treatment could temporarily give you that sense, so that you would have the opportunity to choose based on experience--either return to asexuality or continue the treatment--would you want to try it?

(Actually, here's an interesting alternative for the "sexuals": if you could temporarily completely eliminate your sex drive and romantic feelings using drugs, would you try it?)

For the sake of argument, assume that there are no significant physical side-effects, and besides the inevitable trade-offs (e.g. the pain of breaking up and the emotions that go with it) there are no significant emotional side-effects to either treatment. They don't give you ulcers, and they don't directly induce depression. They just turn a switch "on" or "off."

If I could temporarily turn off my sex drive without side-effects, I'd definitely do it. Otherwise it might depend on the side-effects. Hell, if they'd sell it over-the-counter, I'd buy a bottle every time I'm facing a deadline! Still, I don't think I'd stick with it for an extended period. At some point I think I'd miss those feelings.

Even so, I understand it may be a difficult decision. After all, even if there are no measurable psychological side-effects, such a change would have an inevitable effect on how we think about ourselves.

I might try it if there were no side-effects, as you said, perhaps just to confirm that I've never felt that way before. I doubt I would stick with it though.

First of all, I'm sure your mother means perfectly well--but you probably already knew that.

As for why she doesn't understand... well, it doesn't help that hardly anyone understands. Whereas there is a strong psychological consensus that homosexuality (or bisexuality, among other possibilities) is a legitimate "orientation" toward sexuality, perfectly normal in the sense that people of diverse sexual orientations are capable of leading full, healthy lives (though it helps if the rest of society leaves them alone).

Asexuality, however, has not been subject to the same kind of extensive research, and for that reason (among others) there is little consensus as to how we should understand it. Many psychologists consider it a form of hypoactive sexual disorder or sexual aversion disorder, and there is no clear explanation for what causes it (or even if there is a consistent cause). It is apparent, however, that some percentage of non-human animal populations are asexual (just as some percentage of many non-human animals are homosexual), suggesting some biological basis. It is also quite clear that if it is a sexual orientation, it is one of the least common.

Perhaps one reason that people find it harder to "accept" than homosexuality is that most adults consider romance and sex an important and rewarding part of our lives. While mature, reasonable people understand that a person may fulfill this part of themselves with a variety of people and according to a variety of choices, we worry about someone who does not experience that kind of connection at all: whereas we can say without qualification that homosexuals are capable of a "full and healthy" life, we're not as convinced that a life without romantic attraction is truly "full" in an important sense.

As things stand, my attitude is something like this: whether we classify asexuality scientifically as a "disorder" or as an "orientation," there is utterly no reason to marginalize people or even to make them feel pressured to change based on their preferences (or lack thereof) and lifestyle.

On the other hand, suppose that asexuality is something that can be modified--suppose hormones have gone wrong, or psychological issues have resulted in an aversion to sex. In that case, while I think there is no reason to pressure someone to change, I would favor giving people the option to seek "treatment" that might open them up to the possibility of a romantic relationship.

Think of it this way: if there are people out there who lack the sense of taste, I wouldn't pick on them for it. But I would understand perfectly well if they wanted to go to a doctor to have taste buds installed, because tasting food is great.

Of course, I would NOT favor any kind of "cure" for homosexuality, because such a cure is not about "opening someone up," it's about closing down their natural preferences in favor of the preferences favored by society.

On a scientific note, if there WERE a "treatment" for asexuality, I wonder if asexuals who "sex up" would wind up being homosexual or heterosexual in proportion to the rest of the population?

It's also important to add that some asexuals do experience romantic attraction, but still no sexual attraction (which is what makes them asexual). According to a poll on AVEN (http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=873) with 895 participants (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network), 41% described themselves as heteroromantic asexuals, 10% described themselves as homoromantic asexuals, 22% described themselves as biromantic asexuals, 16% described themselves as aromantic asexuals, and 8% put "other" (which only adds up to 97% because the site leaves off decimal places for some reason. It's more like 41.7% heteroromantic, 10.7% homoromantic, 22.9% biromantic, 16.4% aromantic, and 8.2% other)

That makes sense. If someone really feels like they're lacking something and their asexuality causes them distress, and there is a "cure", then they could try it. I think a lot of that distress would be more likely to be due to being a society that has a sexual majority. If the person who couldn't taste grew up only around people who also couldn't taste and didn't constantly encounter ads about how good different food tasted and stuff like that, then they might not feel as pressured into getting it fixed. Likewise, if we asexuals didn't grow up surrounded by people who feel something we don't, and if we weren't living in a society where sex sells, it wouldn't cause nearly as much distress, and if it did then, if there were a "cure", people distressed by it could take that. But neither is the case, and so I think a lot of the distress that people would feel would stem more from societal pressures than from the asexuality itself. Of course it's also different when someone starts out with it but loses it than when you never have it to begin with.

You have never had your grandmother ask when you'll get a girlfriend.

Sooooooo awkward.

One of my grandmothers is dead. I don't see the other very often (Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, mostly).

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

This is basically because it is a sexual dysfunction. Though in modern world it really isn't a condition so it can be classified as a form of sexuality, even though the cause of asexuality - if not asexuality itself - can be detrimental to overall health (unconscious suppression, childhood trauma, brain damage, etc...)

I think what most people would object about asexuality is the fact that sex in general feels good so they can't perceive how someone wouldn't get any kicks from having or thinking about having sex. It (sexuality) is also a feature that is always present when people meet other people, it partly defines how we react to other people and even certain objects - Having such a predominant feature missing is hard to accept as normal and in a sense it gives "unfair advantage" in certain situations :D

Slightly off topic, I do remember reading a study where they showed correlation between late sexual blooming and intelligence ie. people with higher IQs tended to have sex later than others.

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.

i guess people have a hard time accepting it because, for most people, sexual attraction is a part of everyday life, and usually integral to your relationships with people. for that reason, its a bit hard to get your head around, possibly in part because its not something one normally has to choose to feel - but rather choose not to.

i suppose its like if one were to assume everyone in the world has 20/20 vision, and then a blind person comes along... as a poor analogy :P

Well, I know I've always had trouble understanding how anyone could possibly have no sexual inclination whatsoever.

Then again, I'm an eighteen-year-old male; disregard at will. :p

This is basically because it is a sexual dysfunction. Though in modern world it really isn't a condition so it can be classified as a form of sexuality, even though the cause of asexuality - if not asexuality itself - can be detrimental to overall health (unconscious suppression, childhood trauma, brain damage, etc...)

People are only asexual because of some kind of psychological or physical trauma?

Is this just your idea or is there scientific research to support it?

People are only asexual because of some kind of psychological or physical trauma? I bolded the word 'can' to imply a conditional. I have no idea where you got the word 'only' from my post.

The silent part of my previous post would be:
Asexuality can also be an inherent, natural structural pattern present in the body and brain. It's not debilitating so it's not a disease or major dysfunction. :)

Is this just your idea or is there scientific research to support it?Eunuchs. :D ;)


Though, in all honesty I can't grasp the concept of asexuality..I personally can't imagine how such a person experiences the world around him/her...for example how such a person percieves beauty (or ugly) or how and what they think, feel or look at when they see another person.

I bolded the word 'can' to imply a conditional. I have no idea where you got the word 'only' from my post.

The silent part of my previous post would be:
Asexuality can also be an inherent, natural structural pattern present in the body and brain. It's not debilitating so it's not a disease or major dysfunction. :)
Ah. I think "This is basically because it is a sexual dysfunction" threw me a bit.

Eunuchs. :D ;)
:p

Though, in all honesty I can't grasp the concept of asexuality..I personally can't imagine how such a person experiences the world around him/her...for example how such a person percieves beauty (or ugly) or how and what they think, feel or look at when they see another person.

It is difficult to wrap your head around. Like, trying to imagine having an extra hand, or no legs or something.

My grandmother annoyed me with the "when are you going to give me grandkids," one time too many while we were in a Chinese restaurant, so I pointed at a waiter and said, "Hey, do you think he's cute? I do. Let's clear off the table and he and I can get to work on it RIGHT NOW."

You don't want to know what the drive back with my mom was like. Longest hour of my LIFE.

Haha, brilliant :D


OP: It's just like someone not understanding what not having legs would be like. It's so integral to a lot of people's lives that they can't imagine being without it.

That said, sometimes I wish I was asexual, as it seems at the time that sexual attraction causes more problems than it solves in enjoyment. People often say men think about sex a lot, and that may be true up to a point; but they never say how utterly annoying it can be, especially if the guy is trying to concentrate on something important.

I'd just like to stop for a second and point out that we should celebrate the fact that we can look at how homosexuality is perceived in today's culture, look at something else, and think "If only they had it as good as those gays".

We have made progress.

I'd just like to stop for a second and point out that we should celebrate the fact that we can look at how homosexuality is perceived in today's culture, look at something else, and think "If only they had it as good as those gays".

We have made progress.
"Man, why can't we be oppressed too?"

I don't believe assexuality exists naturally. I believe it's people surpressing their natural emotions for a reason not actually know to them conciously.

*agrees with this person*

I guess that's why the asexual community is working on increasing visibility and awareness, so that people know that it's not a problem.

From my current point of view, it sounds like a complete lack of a problem.

*agrees with this person*
woot!

Now, I won't deny the possibility that there might be a very rare hormonal imbalance that can cause assexuality, or some genetic thing. However, I have never heard mention of human assexuality in any scientific paper or article, even ones specifically discussing human sexuality. I have never heard of a case of assexuality outside of this forum, and 90% of those who claimed to be assexual were emo kids who cut themselves and were probably using assexuality to get attention.

Perhaps you really are assexual. I personally have doubts that this is as common as people on NS would assert.

woot!

Now, I won't deny the possibility that there might be a very rare hormonal imbalance that can cause assexuality, or some genetic thing. However, I have never heard mention of human assexuality in any scientific paper or article, even ones specifically discussing human sexuality. I have never heard of a case of assexuality outside of this forum, and 90% of those who claimed to be assexual were emo kids who cut themselves and were probably using assexuality to get attention.

Perhaps you really are assexual. I personally have doubts that this is as common as people on NS would assert.

I think Chandelier listed some stats in another thread a while back, and it was indeed quite rare, but not a diamond in mud kind of rare.

woot!

Now, I won't deny the possibility that there might be a very rare hormonal imbalance that can cause assexuality, or some genetic thing. However, I have never heard mention of human assexuality in any scientific paper or article, even ones specifically discussing human sexuality. I have never heard of a case of assexuality outside of this forum, and 90% of those who claimed to be assexual were emo kids who cut themselves and were probably using assexuality to get attention.

Perhaps you really are assexual. I personally have doubts that this is as common as people on NS would assert.

I once talked to a doctor who asserted that since there is no medical literature on yeast infections causing mastitis, it is impossible that there could be a relationship. needless to say, his complete lack of logic made me appreciate our GP more.

Just because no one has studied it yet does not mean it can not exist.

That's true. There have been a few things on TV about it (like there was an episode of the Montel show about it), some articles, and a couple of studies.

Well, I don't think there are that many people who watch the Montel show. If they put it in a sex ed program, everybody'd know.

I was trying to look up Asexual Reproduction on Wikipedia and was lazy about it as usual. Didn't quite get where I was going.

Yeah. Humans don't reproduce asexually. ;)

That's true. There have been a few things on TV about it (like there was an episode of the Montel show about it), some articles, and a couple of studies.I saw that episode. It was interesting to see that none of the people on that show had ruled out all of the medical possibilities.

(Actually, here's an interesting alternative for the "sexuals": if you could temporarily completely eliminate your sex drive and romantic feelings using drugs, would you try it?)Yep.

My best friend in growing up was asexual. She could look at men (and women) and find them esthetically pleasing, but there was no chemistry whatsoever. I thought she was lucky, really - there she was surrounded by raging hormones, remaining cool, calm and rational. Her family didn't seem to have a problem with it (of course, they were dealing with her drug-addict older brother, so the fact that she wasn't getting hormonal on them either didn't register or was a relief).

I really couldn't say why she was asexual, but it never really bothered me or anyone who knew her. She was quirky, funny, intelligent, cute and totally without interest in sex.

My grandmother annoyed me with the "when are you going to give me grandkids," one time too many while we were in a Chinese restaurant, so I pointed at a waiter and said, "Hey, do you think he's cute? I do. Let's clear off the table and he and I can get to work on it RIGHT NOW."

Aren't you her grandchild?

Anyway...

I knew a guy - well, he was a friend of a friend - who said he didn't find anyone, man or women, sexually attractive. A good time after I first heard about him, I heard a good deal of people arguing over whether he was a closeted homosexual or in fact "just weird"... I said, with surprise, that he had said he was asexual, and then had to spend a considerably amount of time convincing them that he was not going to split apart over night into two organisms, or something.

Of course, when I actually talked to him, I concluded he was actually repressing deeply felt sexual desires due to a (concious) fear of sexuality, but that's neither here nor there.

Asexuality is a topic that is hardly ever touched on where other forms of sexuality are explored. As such, it is not too surprising that many people are unsure of the topic - Chandelier, have you tried discussing the topic thoroughly with your mother, perhaps showing her the websites of various asexual societies, etc? If she thinks your lack of sexual desire is not so much a recognise trait as 'a phase', or generally has a lack of information on asexuality, she may be trying to probe the topic or determine how it really is affecting you.

I have the same problem as you, Chandelier.

My mother once accused me of being gay. It seems oddly attractive, but no.

Though, in all honesty I can't grasp the concept of asexuality..I personally can't imagine how such a person experiences the world around him/her...for example how such a person percieves beauty (or ugly) or how and what they think, feel or look at when they see another person.

I can tell aesthetically if people are attractive or not, in a way. It's just similar to looking at a statue or sculpture or something and recognizing that it is aesthetically pleasing or well made or whatever.

I imagine that it's different for asexuals with romantic orientations, but I really can't explain what that would feel like.

woot!

Now, I won't deny the possibility that there might be a very rare hormonal imbalance that can cause assexuality, or some genetic thing. However, I have never heard mention of human assexuality in any scientific paper or article, even ones specifically discussing human sexuality. I have never heard of a case of assexuality outside of this forum, and 90% of those who claimed to be assexual were emo kids who cut themselves and were probably using assexuality to get attention.

Perhaps you really are assexual. I personally have doubts that this is as common as people on NS would assert.

Here you go. :)

Asexuality: prevalence and associated factors in a national probability sample
Journal of Sex Research, August, 2004 by Anthony F. Bogaert (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_3_41/ai_n6274004)

I'm not saying it's particularly common, unless you consider about 1% as common. But we exist. Just because there haven't been many studies about it yet doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, just that we don't know all the details yet, and it's perhaps not fully defined yet.


Asexuality is a topic that is hardly ever touched on where other forms of sexuality are explored. As such, it is not too surprising that many people are unsure of the topic - Chandelier, have you tried discussing the topic thoroughly with your mother, perhaps showing her the websites of various asexual societies, etc? If she thinks your lack of sexual desire is not so much a recognise trait as 'a phase', or generally has a lack of information on asexuality, she may be trying to probe the topic or determine how it really is affecting you.

She doesn't want to see them, and doesn't want me to visit them very often. She thinks it'll be too graphic for me to read about.

This is the woman who would not tell me what masturbation or oral sex are when I asked after hearing people talking about it...

She doesn't want to see them, and doesn't want me to visit them very often. She thinks it'll be too graphic for me to read about.

This is the woman who would not tell me what masturbation or oral sex are when I asked after hearing people talking about it...

Asexual sites are too graphic? :confused:

I've been to AVEN, I haven't seen anything "graphic"... what is your mom on about?

Asexual sites are too graphic? :confused:

I've been to AVEN, I haven't seen anything "graphic"... what is your mom on about?

That's a good question. But remember...

This is the woman who would not tell me what masturbation or oral sex are when I asked after hearing people talking about it...

That's a good question. But remember...

... good point.

... good point.

Yeah...

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.


I don't know enough about it and haven't read enough evidence supporting asexuality

I also hate it when my mom points out any guy who is good-looking and says he's cute... because the guy in question is normally my age, and my mom is 43, and it's kind of creepy and awkward. Then she asks if I think anyone is cute/hot/attractive/whatever and I'm like, "wtf?!"

Surely you do not (say that to)/(think that at) your own dear mother!
:p

I don't know enough about it and haven't read enough evidence supporting asexuality

Ok. Did you read the study I linked to?

I have the same problem as you, Chandelier.

My mother once accused me of being gay. It seems oddly attractive, but no.Oh, you're still on that? Oh well, it's just a phase, you'll grow out of it. <Giggle.>

Dunno. It would creep me out if one of my parents were constantly suggesting women to me - that's just not right. :p That is, specific women, rather than the occasional "when are you going to get married" talk, which is just an annoyance.
My father used to do that. It irritated me to no end. He learnt to shut up after a while. My mother curiously enough does usually point out cute guys to me. Makes me wonder how cognizant she truly is. :D


(Actually, here's an interesting alternative for the "sexuals": if you could temporarily completely eliminate your sex drive and romantic feelings using drugs, would you try it?)
Absolutely not. Not even temporarily. They're too much fun to simply abdicate. Besides, there are times I come pretty close to asexual, so that would be largely unnecessary anyway.

Ok. Did you read the study I linked to?

The one you used when replying to Quaon?

They're parents. Simply put. LOL.

There is a sexual orientation for not wanting sex now?

That AVEN site is one of the strangest things I've seen on the net. A website dedicated to claiming to not be interested in sex, why would they dedicate a website to it if they aren't insterested in it? And they have a whole forum about sexuality with hundreds of thousands of posts. It seems more like they are obsessed with sex, or rather, uhh... obsessed with not being obsessed with sex.



Wait, maybe I'm "asexual" too. I'm a 22 year old male and don't feel any desire at all to kiss or have sex. On the other hand hugs are nice and I imagine cuddling would be very cozy. I have felt attracted to a few specific girls and felt nervous butterflies around them yet I really wanted to be around them. However I never wanted to kiss or have sex with them. The way I see it sex is a hobby just like any other and not being interested in sex feels just as natural as not being interested in cricket, model trains or parachuting. Does this sound like I'm asexual?

My personal guess is that I am heterosexual and the only reason I don't want sex is because I haven't tried it so I don't know how great it is. That is a catch 22, I'm not going to try it because there are so many other hobbies out there that seems much more interesting to try, specially since masturbation is totally boring.

It seems more like they are obsessed with sex, or rather, uhh... obsessed with not being obsessed with sex.
This seems to be common with asexuals, from what I've seen.

masturbation is totally boring.
You must not be doing it right.

Asexuality is just another way of being. If you're not hurting anyone, it's really none of my concern. Be happy!

You must not be doing it right.

Let Europa help you. :D

There is a sexual orientation for not wanting sex now?

That AVEN site is one of the strangest things I've seen on the net. A website dedicated to claiming to not be interested in sex, why would they dedicate a website to it if they aren't insterested in it? And they have a whole forum about sexuality with hundreds of thousands of posts. It seems more like they are obsessed with sex, or rather, uhh... obsessed with not being obsessed with sex.


I guess the reason to talk about not being interested in it is that it seems like everyone acts like you have to be interested to it, and you might tend to feel alone about it. Also, sometimes asexuals who aren't sure yet or something try having sex or things like that, and so they post about it to try to figure things out, I guess.


Wait, maybe I'm "asexual" too. I'm a 22 year old male and don't feel any desire at all to kiss or have sex. On the other hand hugs are nice and I imagine cuddling would be very cozy. I have felt attracted to a few specific girls and felt nervous butterflies around them yet I really wanted to be around them. However I never wanted to kiss or have sex with them. The way I see it sex is a hobby just like any other and not being interested in sex feels just as natural as not being interested in cricket, model trains or parachuting. Does this sound like I'm asexual?


I don't know. That's something for you to figure out.

By the way, this article (http://www.asexuality.org/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=45&Itemid=38) seems to be very good.

I don't know enough about it and haven't read enough evidence supporting asexuality

Echoed.

Couldn't contemplate it myself, though. I consider my penchant for entering into destructive relationships to have enriched my life.:D

well now i know there is another asexual on NS forum. =0

well now i know there is another asexual on NS forum. =0

Yay! :)

Yay! :)

My story is kind of like yours execpt I am a guy. My parents were always telling me that this girl is cute and stuff like that. It got really annoying and I have learned in time to block it out. They still don't know I am asexual though.Quite sad. =0

My story is kind of like yours execpt I am a guy. My parents were always telling me that this girl is cute and stuff like that. It got really annoying and I have learned in time to block it out. They still don't know I am asexual though.Quite sad. =0

I know that this will imply something about asexuality but i'm not trying to particularly. What age are you?

I know that this will imply something about asexuality but i'm not trying to particularly. What age are you?

why do you ask

why do you ask

Well the question of why parents don't really understand and continually pester is the one i'm properly interested in. My suspicion is it's more of an age issue but then I'm happy to be proved wrong

Well the question of why parents don't really understand and continually pester is the one i'm properly interested in. My suspicion is it's more of an age issue but then I'm happy to be proved wrong

I'm 17. I see how its an age issue though.

My story is kind of like yours execpt I am a guy. My parents were always telling me that this girl is cute and stuff like that. It got really annoying and I have learned in time to block it out. They still don't know I am asexual though.Quite sad. =0

All right. And I see that we're the same age. That's interesting.

All right. And I see that we're the same age. That's interesting.

Wow thats odd.

Wow thats odd.

Not particularly... if I recall one of the age polls correctly there are a lot of people around our age here.

Not particularly... if I recall one of the age polls correctly there are a lot of people around our age here.

of must not have seen that poll.

She doesn't want to see them, and doesn't want me to visit them very often. She thinks it'll be too graphic for me to read about.

This is the woman who would not tell me what masturbation or oral sex are when I asked after hearing people talking about it...
Well, it could be worse. She could be advocating lesbianism as a contraceptive, or something.

I don't see how she could possibly perceive discussions on asexuality as "graphic"... *sigh*

Convince her that these are things she /needs/ to see if she wants to understand why you feel as you do and how you feel as you do. She evidently doesn't know how the whole asexuality thing works...

What is it if you wouldn't have sex with anyone, particularly not someone you're in love with, because you wouldn't have sex with someone you didn't love, yet feel that sex with someone you love just doesn't seem anything short of a desecration? Does that even make sense?

What is it if you wouldn't have sex with anyone, particularly not someone you're in love with, because you wouldn't have sex with someone you didn't love, yet feel that sex with someone you love just doesn't seem anything short of a desecration? Does that even make sense?

It makes sense to me. But I think it's just an odd opinion.

What is it if you wouldn't have sex with anyone, particularly not someone you're in love with, because you wouldn't have sex with someone you didn't love, yet feel that sex with someone you love just doesn't seem anything short of a desecration? Does that even make sense?

That sort of makes sense. Some asexuals (ones who have had sex) have said that to them sex with someone they love takes away the sense of intimacy that they felt before.

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.

Asexuality doesn't get taken seriously because people notoriously pretend not to want things they can't get.

So - if someone can't get laid... it's not because of a flawed personality, unpleasant demaeanour, lack of social graces, lack of self-assurance or whatever - it's because they 'just are not attracted to people in that way'.

Maybe they start out convincing other people... maybe they end up even convincing themselves.

Or maybe that ain't it. Maybe some people really are 'asexual'. But I suspect that what I listed above is the most common perception, the most common reason it's not taken seriously.

Asexuality doesn't get taken seriously because people notoriously pretend not to want things they can't get.

So - if someone can't get laid... it's not because of a flawed personality, unpleasant demaeanour, lack of social graces, lack of self-assurance or whatever - it's because they 'just are not attracted to people in that way'.

Maybe they start out convincing other people... maybe they end up even convincing themselves.

Or maybe that ain't it. Maybe some people really are 'asexual'. But I suspect that what I listed above is the most common perception, the most common reason it's not taken seriously.

A problem with that perception is that some asexuals have had sex and still don't want it, and still aren't attracted to anyone sexually. It can become a problem for asexuals with romantic attraction if they are in relationships with sexuals.

A problem with that perception is that some asexuals have had sex and still don't want it, and still aren't attracted to anyone sexually. It can become a problem for asexuals with romantic attraction if they are in relationships with sexuals.

Meh. Most people in long-enough-term relationships turn asexual eventually. :p

Anyway, I remember seeing a study whose authors were surprised at finding nearly 1% of respondents claiming asexuality. It's very, very rare, and the 'sour grapes' explanation is usually the correct one, even if there are exceptions. ;)

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.


your obsession with sex belies your asexuality. it makes people wonder why you talk about it all the time if you really have no interest in sex.

you have started several threads and hijacked countless others with your asexuality. barely a topic on sex exists where you havent jumped in with a post on how you dont want sex.

how can anyone take your asexuality seriously when its all you talk about?

your obsession with sex belies your asexuality. it makes people wonder why you talk about it all the time if you really have no interest in sex.

you have started several threads and hijacked countless others with your asexuality. barely a topic on sex exists where you havent jumped in with a post on how you dont want sex.

how can anyone take your asexuality seriously when its all you talk about?

And that is a big point to it. I've never seen someone talk about apathy so much.

The other is that a lot of the "asexuals" we've seen come out are about 14 or so. And I've mentioned this before and the response I got was "well that's the way I've always been".

As a young teenager, biologically speaking, you are little more than a child. You're only a handful of years of development off of being a 10 year old. A lot of child psychologists say "asexuality" to some degree is actually natural until at least about 12, and often extends beyond.

Third is the "oh me too" situation I've seen here. We have had no less than FOUR people in this thread claim to be asexual. Asexuality, in the true biological sense, is extraordinarily rare. And yet we have like 4 people here. It seems that what is commonly refered to as "asexuality" is either just a childhood undeveloped state, some degree of pathology, a general disinterest in sex overall (which is quite different than asexuality) or just plain sour grapes.

As to the general question, why doesn't your mother support your asexuality? The easy answer is...because you are 14.

And that is a big point to it. I've never seen someone talk about apathy so much.

The other is that a lot of the "asexuals" we've seen come out are about 14 or so. And I've mentioned this before and the response I got was "well that's the way I've always been".

As a young teenager, biologically speaking, you are little more than a child. You're only a handful of years of development off of being a 10 year old. A lot of child psychologists say "asexuality" to some degree is actually natural until at least about 12, and often extends beyond.

Third is the "oh me too" situation I've seen here. We have had no less than FOUR people in this thread claim to be asexual. Asexuality, in the true biological sense, is extraordinarily rare. And yet we have like 4 people here. It seems that what is commonly refered to as "asexuality" is either just a childhood undeveloped state, some degree of pathology, a general disinterest in sex overall (which is quite different than asexuality) or just plain sour grapes.

As to the general question, why doesn't your mother support your asexuality? The easy answer is...because you are 14.

her mother should be very happy that she isnt interested in boys yet. far too many girls get sidetracked into worrying about being popular with the guys and end up doing anything it takes to get noticed.

her mother doesnt take it seriously because there will come a day when a particular guy walks by and chandelier swoons at the very scent of him. with luck she'll be old enough to deal with the rush of emotions/hormones that hit her at that moment.

One would think that the gay liberation movement would have taught people not to assume that people with "abnormal" sexual orientations are liars, "going through a phase", or just seeking attention.

Apparently not.

Chandy is 17, not 14.

oh, significant difference that :rolleyes:

And that is a big point to it. I've never seen someone talk about apathy so much.

The other is that a lot of the "asexuals" we've seen come out are about 14 or so. And I've mentioned this before and the response I got was "well that's the way I've always been".

As a young teenager, biologically speaking, you are little more than a child. You're only a handful of years of development off of being a 10 year old. A lot of child psychologists say "asexuality" to some degree is actually natural until at least about 12, and often extends beyond.

Third is the "oh me too" situation I've seen here. We have had no less than FOUR people in this thread claim to be asexual. Asexuality, in the true biological sense, is extraordinarily rare. And yet we have like 4 people here. It seems that what is commonly refered to as "asexuality" is either just a childhood undeveloped state, some degree of pathology, a general disinterest in sex overall (which is quite different than asexuality) or just plain sour grapes.

As to the general question, why doesn't your mother support your asexuality? The easy answer is...because you are 14.

Chandy is 17, not 14.

oh, significant difference that :rolleyes:

Isn't not experiencing sexual attraction by 17 is a pretty definitive indication of asexuality?

no

Why not?

How many "sexuals" experienced no sexual attraction by the time they were 17?

Isn't not experiencing sexual attraction by 17 is a pretty definitive indication of asexuality?

yep, Pretty much.

Isn't not experiencing sexual attraction by 17 is a pretty definitive indication of asexuality?

no

your obsession with sex belies your asexuality. it makes people wonder why you talk about it all the time if you really have no interest in sex.

you have started several threads and hijacked countless others with your asexuality. barely a topic on sex exists where you havent jumped in with a post on how you dont want sex.

how can anyone take your asexuality seriously when its all you talk about?

No offence Chandelier but I've noticed that too. I've managed to predict it almost every time too. I can look at a post now and think "Chandelier's gonna respond to that soon".

Asexuality doesn't get taken seriously because people notoriously pretend not to want things they can't get.

So - if someone can't get laid... it's not because of a flawed personality, unpleasant demaeanour, lack of social graces, lack of self-assurance or whatever - it's because they 'just are not attracted to people in that way'.

Maybe they start out convincing other people... maybe they end up even convincing themselves.

Or maybe that ain't it. Maybe some people really are 'asexual'. But I suspect that what I listed above is the most common perception, the most common reason it's not taken seriously.

Maybe some people are like that, but not me. I'm not going to claim anything different from the truth. Considering my age, personality quirks and the fact that the reward doesn't seem worth the risk I'm probably not going to try for a few years. I never pretend anything different either, which seems a little odd to me. So then I come back to the extremely egocentric-sounding conclusion of "Why can't more people be like me?" :D

Why not?

How many "sexuals" experienced no sexual attraction by the time they were 17?

i dont have that statistic at hand at the moment.

some people are late bloomers.

some people lie

some poeple are in denial

some people have too specific a trigger and just havent met the right person yet.

there does come a point where her mother should take her to the doctor to make sure that she doesnt have a hormonal imbalance or some kind of a brain tumor that is interfering with her normal development. 17 is getting there but its not a definitive indication of a problem.

some people are late bloomers.

17 is quite late....

some people lie

What would motivate someone to lie about their asexuality for so long and consistently?

some poeple are in denial

Possibly, but I see no reason to presuppose that that is the case.

some people have too specific a trigger and just havent met the right person yet.

The same way gay men just need to meet the right woman (or lesbians the right man)?

there does come a point where her mother should take her to the doctor to make sure that she doesnt have a hormonal imbalance or some kind of a brain tumor that is interfering with her normal development.

Ah, attempt to "cure" it. Why?

17 is getting there but its not a definitive indication of a problem.

Indeed. There is no "problem."

And that is a big point to it. I've never seen someone talk about apathy so much.

The other is that a lot of the "asexuals" we've seen come out are about 14 or so. And I've mentioned this before and the response I got was "well that's the way I've always been".

As a young teenager, biologically speaking, you are little more than a child. You're only a handful of years of development off of being a 10 year old. A lot of child psychologists say "asexuality" to some degree is actually natural until at least about 12, and often extends beyond.

Third is the "oh me too" situation I've seen here. We have had no less than FOUR people in this thread claim to be asexual. Asexuality, in the true biological sense, is extraordinarily rare. And yet we have like 4 people here. It seems that what is commonly refered to as "asexuality" is either just a childhood undeveloped state, some degree of pathology, a general disinterest in sex overall (which is quite different than asexuality) or just plain sour grapes.

As to the general question, why doesn't your mother support your asexuality? The easy answer is...because you are 14.

Well, it's already been pointed out that I'm 17, not 14. So I started puberty six or seven years ago. I probably should have felt some sort of sexual feeling by now if I was going to. I know it's still possible for me to be a "late bloomer", but I hate everyone thinking that I'm either lying about the way that I feel or that I need to be fixed.

your obsession with sex belies your asexuality. it makes people wonder why you talk about it all the time if you really have no interest in sex.

you have started several threads and hijacked countless others with your asexuality. barely a topic on sex exists where you havent jumped in with a post on how you dont want sex.

how can anyone take your asexuality seriously when its all you talk about?

I'm not obsessed with sex, but when the topic comes up I try to make sense of it. Because I can't really understand how 99% of people feel about this and I'm trying to understand it but I can't, because I can't feel it. And if I don't mention that I'm asexual, people will assume that I feel the same feelings that they do, and I don't. If people didn't react incredulously to me when I say that I'm asexual, then it wouldn't hijack any thread.

My asexuality is not all that I talk about, it's just that most of my other posts are not as easily noticed. Also, I rarely ever talk to people about it in real life, usually only if they bring up the subject.

i dont have that statistic at hand at the moment.

some people are late bloomers.

some people lie

some poeple are in denial

some people have too specific a trigger and just havent met the right person yet.

there does come a point where her mother should take her to the doctor to make sure that she doesnt have a hormonal imbalance or some kind of a brain tumor that is interfering with her normal development. 17 is getting there but its not a definitive indication of a problem.

I know that there's a chance that I could be a late bloomer. But regardless of whatever may happen in the future, I'm asexual now. I want people to accept that, and to stop acting like it's something to be sad about.

Even if they try to "fix" me, even if they try to force me to become sexual, they can't make me have sex, and they can't make me go into a relationship. I'm not going to let them do that to me. Besides, for all I know and for all you know, my hormones could be normal, and there could be no tumor.

I'm not obsessed with sex, but when the topic comes up I try to make sense of it. Because I can't really understand how 99% of people feel about this and I'm trying to understand it but I can't, because I can't feel it.

You don't care about sex. You don't care about relationships. Those are the only conceivable reasons anyone would want to feel or understand it. For anything else (and even the mentioned partial exceptions) it's just unnecessary hassle.

You don't care about sex. You don't care about relationships. Those are the only conceivable reasons anyone would want to feel or understand it. For anything else (and even the mentioned partial exceptions) it's just unnecessary hassle.

Well, for an example of why I try to understand it, when I took psychology last year and we got to the section about sex, the way it was described was in a way that made it more difficult for me to understand. All the anecdotes and stuff are based on the assumption that you know what sexual attraction and stuff feels like. As a curious person fascinated by psychology and stuff like that, I kind of want to at least try to understand what is a major motivational factor for about 99% of people.

Well, for an example of why I try to understand it, when I took psychology last year and we got to the section about sex, the way it was described was in a way that made it more difficult for me to understand. All the anecdotes and stuff are based on the assumption that you know what sexual attraction and stuff feels like. As a curious person fascinated by psychology and stuff like that, I kind of want to at least try to understand what is a major motivational factor for about 99% of people.

Once again you give good reasoning. I can't argue with that, especially being curious to a fault. I sorta know how you feel. I reckon you'd be surprised at it's power as a motivational force. My walk to uni every morning would be longer and boring otherwise. I still reckon the cons outweigh the pros, but there's nothing I can do about it so I might as well learn to tap it as a motivational force, especially because I'm lazy.

17 is quite late....



Try 31. That's when I experienced attraction the first time.

I know that there's a chance that I could be a late bloomer. But regardless of whatever may happen in the future, I'm asexual now. I want people to accept that, and to stop acting like it's something to be sad about.

Even if they try to "fix" me, even if they try to force me to become sexual, they can't make me have sex, and they can't make me go into a relationship. I'm not going to let them do that to me. Besides, for all I know and for all you know, my hormones could be normal, and there could be no tumor.

Try a simple "I'm not interested." I wasn't for a long time. Why label it? Why make it ought as a certain kind of sexulaity?

Try 31. That's when I experienced attraction the first time.

You know the normal curve? You're about 5ks past the sign that says "Here be dragons".

You know the normal curve? You're about 5ks past the sign that says "Here be dragons".

Well aware of it :D
I am, in fact, a dragon.

Try a simple "I'm not interested." I wasn't for a long time. Why label it? Why make it ought as a certain kind of sexulaity?

I may never be interested, and I don't want to be interested. If I just say "I'm not interested", there will still be questions, and that still doesn't solve it. They'll just say "Why not?" and they'll still never believe me. I didn't use the term asexual to my parents until they used it first. At first I just told them that I wasn't interested in boys or girls in that way, but they still acted like it was just a phase, and I know that it's likely that people will always see it that way, even when I'm 65 and still haven't felt any sexual attraction.

Why use labels like "heterosexual" or "homosexual"? Using the label "asexual" makes it easier to find other people who feel the same way so that we don't have to deal with the world's reactions alone, and so that maybe a few generations down the line people won't need to feel so alienated when they see that they don't feel something that their classmates feel and everyone else around them feels.

I may never be interested, and I don't want to be interested. If I just say "I'm not interested", there will still be questions, and that still doesn't solve it. They'll just say "Why not?" and they'll still never believe me. I didn't use the term asexual to my parents until they used it first. At first I just told them that I wasn't interested in boys or girls in that way, but they still acted like it was just a phase, and I know that it's likely that people will always see it that way, even when I'm 65 and still haven't felt any sexual attraction.

Why use labels like "heterosexual" or "homosexual"? Using the label "asexual" makes it easier to find other people who feel the same way so that we don't have to deal with the world's reactions alone, and so that maybe a few generations down the line people won't need to feel so alienated when they see that they don't feel something that their classmates feel and everyone else around them feels.

And yet, as far as I understand, people here only started questioning you after you kept posting about it repeatedly. It sounds like in this case at least, it wasn't the rest of the world coming up to you and regarding you as something out of the ordinary, but instead you making sure that everyone here knows and keeps getting reminded that you are different.

Interesting. There's a Shakespeare quote about this, but I can't think of the exact words at the moment.

We're here!
We're asexual!
That's difficult to rhyme with!

True. And what's their "flag" or "symbol" gonna look like? If the panoply of sexuality has omnisexuals/nymphomaniacs on the other side, and they're nominally covered by "the rainbow", would asexuals use something in black and white? Beige? An "O" (for orgasm) with a circle and slash? And wouldn't most of those be kind of insulting in and of themselves?

Since hormones seem to control most everything in the human body, it probably is a reverse, or inverse, or obverse of whatever balance of hormones makes people into raving horndogs. If that were the case, and given the opportunity, would anyone asexual or hypersexual seek hormonal therapy to discover if they'd prefer to be sexual or less sexual?

In short, do asexuals, in an effort to fight back against perceived dysfunction and abnormalcy as judged by "normal" sexuality convince themselves that they're happy? Forgive me if these questions are in any way offensive -- I honestly have a hard time wrapping my sexual mind around not being turned on.

In short, do asexuals, in an effort to fight back against perceived dysfunction and abnormalcy as judged by "normal" sexuality convince themselves that they're happy? Forgive me if these questions are in any way offensive -- I honestly have a hard time wrapping my sexual mind around not being turned on.

That is my thinking too to be honest

True. And what's their "flag" or "symbol" gonna look like? If the panoply of sexuality has omnisexuals/nymphomaniacs on the other side, and they're nominally covered by "the rainbow", would asexuals use something in black and white? Beige? An "O" (for orgasm) with a circle and slash? And wouldn't most of those be kind of insulting in and of themselves?

Since hormones seem to control most everything in the human body, it probably is a reverse, or inverse, or obverse of whatever balance of hormones makes people into raving horndogs. If that were the case, and given the opportunity, would anyone asexual or hypersexual seek hormonal therapy to discover if they'd prefer to be sexual or less sexual?

In short, do asexuals, in an effort to fight back against perceived dysfunction and abnormalcy as judged by "normal" sexuality convince themselves that they're happy? Forgive me if these questions are in any way offensive -- I honestly have a hard time wrapping my sexual mind around not being turned on.

I don't think asexuals have agreed on any sort of symbol.

See, some asexuals have had their hormones tested and came up normal, but they still weren't attracted to anyone sexually.

I don't think I'd want to change. All my dreams for my future never involve me being with another person. I do go to therapy with a counselor to help me with some of the fears that I have, but I don't want someone to try to make me feel feelings that I don't feel.

Come on. You're supposed to be intelligent! It only took me 17.3 nanoseconds to work out why people kept telling me that "its impossible not to be attracted to anyone". The very simple reason is that people are idiots.

Come on. You're supposed to be intelligent! It only took me 17.3 nanoseconds to work out why people kept telling me that "its impossible not to be attracted to anyone". The very simple reason is that people are idiots.

I guess I'm just too optimistic.:(

That's a good question. But remember...

No offense, but I really don't like your mom.


It's entirely possible that her puritan views on anything sexual are part of what brought you to be this way.

No offense, but I really don't like your mom.


It's entirely possible that her puritan views on anything sexual are part of what brought you to be this way.

I love my mom, but sometimes she can really be annoying to me and to my brothers. And now sometimes she does things like telling me that it's "good to be a slut", that make it seem like she thinks that she can reverse or fix how I feel. That's not going to work...

That probably is possible, but I've had the idea that I didn't want to get married or anything like that and that I was different as early as eight or nine, way before I even knew what sex was or even that it existed, and that idea hasn't gone away. My mom thinks that I'm just shy like she says she was, but she also described herself as "boy-crazy" as soon as she was nine or ten.

I love my mom, but sometimes she can really be annoying to me and to my brothers. And now sometimes she does things like telling me that it's "good to be a slut", that make it seem like she thinks that she can reverse or fix how I feel. That's not going to work...

That probably is possible, but I've had the idea that I didn't want to get married or anything like that and that I was different as early as eight or nine, way before I even knew what sex was or even that it existed, and that idea hasn't gone away. My mom thinks that I'm just shy like she says she was, but she also described herself as "boy-crazy" as soon as she was nine or ten.

Somehow I can't imagine the same woman being cautious about explaining what oral sex or masturbation is to her daughter the one that says it's good to be a slut.

Somehow I can't imagine the same woman being cautious about explaining what oral sex or masturbation is to her daughter the one that says it's good to be a slut.

That's why it seemed so weird when she said that. It was very confusing.

That probably is possible, but I've had the idea that I didn't want to get married or anything like that and that I was different as early as eight or nine, way before I even knew what sex was or even that it existed, and that idea hasn't gone away.Hmmm... something about that statement makes me worry for you.

Though you feel the only difference between you and most people is that you simply "lack" a desire for sex and romantic attachment, yet you also felt "different" way before you knew what any of that was. You also "had the idea" that you didn't want to get married "or anything like that" long before you realized you may be asexual.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but isn't it possible that there are psychological issues at work that have led to your rejection of sex and romance? You've told us a lot about Mom, but (and perhaps I've skimmed past this commentary), is there a Dad in the picture? If he's around, why isn't he a part of these discussions? And if he's not around, what happened to him?

Any chance the inevitable influence of your parents' example on your impressions of love, romance, and sex... could have played a role in your feeling that you are shut off from such things?

Again, I don't mean to disparage the possibility that asexuality is a normal orientation in precisely the same sense that heterosexuality and homosexuality are normal, legitimate sexual orientations. I also don't mean simply to discredit the notion that you, yourself, are asexual in the sense that some others may be organically incapable of participating in such feelings.

On the other hand, if there is the possibility that your experience or upbringing has caused your asexuality as a kind of psychological symptom, then it is also possible that you will begin to experience other, perhaps more difficult, symptoms of the same cause. If I were you I would want to explore that possibility before it turns into something ugly.

So, if you feel like gratifying my curiosity, I would appreciate it. Maybe some of us here could even offer useful perspective on your experience.

Of course, privacy also counts for something in these situations, so please don't feel that I'll pass some kind of judgment if you choose to withhold more specific information about your family situation.

:)

Hmmm... something about that statement makes me worry for you.

Though you feel the only difference between you and most people is that you simply "lack" a desire for sex and romantic attachment, yet you also felt "different" way before you knew what any of that was. You also "had the idea" that you didn't want to get married "or anything like that" long before you realized you may be asexual.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but isn't it possible that there are psychological issues at work that have led to your rejection of sex and romance? You've told us a lot about Mom, but (and perhaps I've skimmed past this commentary), is there a Dad in the picture? If he's around, why isn't he a part of these discussions? And if he's not around, what happened to him?

Any chance the inevitable influence of your parents' example on your impressions of love, romance, and sex... could have played a role in your feeling that you are shut off from such things?

Again, I don't mean to disparage the possibility that asexuality is a normal orientation in precisely the same sense that heterosexuality and homosexuality are normal, legitimate sexual orientations. I also don't mean simply to discredit the notion that you, yourself, are asexual in the sense that some others may be organically incapable of participating in such feelings.

On the other hand, if there is the possibility that your experience or upbringing has caused your asexuality as a kind of psychological symptom, then it is also possible that you will begin to experience other, perhaps more difficult, symptoms of the same cause. If I were you I would want to explore that possibility before it turns into something ugly.

So, if you feel like gratifying my curiosity, I would appreciate it. Maybe some of us here could even offer useful perspective on your experience.

Of course, privacy also counts for something in these situations, so please don't feel that I'll pass some kind of judgment if you choose to withhold more specific information about your family situation.

:)

Well, I knew some stuff about romance then but didn't want to be part of it at any point. I think I contemplated the word asexual (I think I also looked at non-sexual) to describe me when I was around 12 or 13, but I forgot about it until I found out about asexuality online when I was 16 and realized that it fit me.

I do have a Dad, but he is only sometimes part of these conversations because either my mom brings the topic up while I'm on a walk with her or she brings it up during the day while he's at work (as a teacher my mom is at home during the summer).

I have had some other problems related to self-esteem and some fears I have, and I go to a counselor for them. I also used to have a problem where I got nauseous whenever I was around people, but that went away after I went to therapy for a while.

I don't think that any of this means that my asexuality is not real. Sexuals have problems sometimes, so why wouldn't asexuals?

I don't think that any of this means that my asexuality is not real. Sexuals have problems sometimes, so why wouldn't asexuals?
I think the difference is that where I would expect most asexuals to be indifferent to sex and sexuality, or not interested in it, you seem to be very turned off by the notion.

Doesn't mean that you're not asexual, but it does seem to raise possibilities that you are not asexual, but have some sort of mental block when considering sexual behavore.

I think the difference is that where I would expect most asexuals to be indifferent to sex and sexuality, or not interested in it, you seem to be very turned off by the notion.

Doesn't mean that you're not asexual, but it does seem to raise possibilities that you are not asexual, but have some sort of mental block when considering sexual behavore.

Most asexuals are indifferent to sex, but about a quarter of asexuals (according to a poll on AVEN (http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=2535)) are repulsed by sex.

I guess it's possible, but how would that have stopped me from experiencing attraction initially?

I guess it's possible, but how would that have stopped me from experiencing attraction initially?
Having no idea of your history, I couldn't say. Or to put it another way, damn it Jim, I'm a teacher, not a psychologist! ;)

Like I said, doesn't mean that you are not asexual, I just mention the possibility. But I assume you know more about yourself that I do and have probably explored that issue already. :D

Having no idea of your history, I couldn't say. Or to put it another way, damn it Jim, I'm a teacher, not a psychologist! ;)

Like I said, doesn't mean that you are not asexual, I just mention the possibility. But I assume you know more about yourself that I do and have probably explored that issue already. :D

All right, then. :)

Hmmmm i'm very impressed with the lack of flaming, etc in this thread. Bravo :)

Please don't take this the wrong way, but isn't it possible that there are psychological issues at work that have led to your rejection of sex and romance? This is my take on it too. Chandelier has said that she is afraid of sex. I don't see how that can be something that wasn't a learned response.

We're here!
We're asexual!
That's difficult to rhyme with!

How about "ineffectual"?

This is my take on it too. Chandelier has said that she is afraid of sex. I don't see how that can be something that wasn't a learned response.

I want to be able to still not want sex but not have to be afraid of it. I think I'm getting better in this respect from therapy and talking about it.

Hmmmm i'm very impressed with the lack of flaming, etc in this thread. Bravo :)

Yes, I've noticed that. :)

Yes, I've noticed that. :)
Not EVERYbody is a monster here. Just Ruffy.

I want to be able to still not want sex but not have to be afraid of it. I think I'm getting better in this respect from therapy and talking about it.


So you don't think that losing the fear will lead you to want sexual relationships?

I find it very curious that posters to this thread say things like "I can't imagine what it would be like to be asexual."

Surely it would just be a matter of looking at how they feel about people they are completely unattracted to, and imagining that they feel that way about everyone. Some rare people I suppose are either attracted to everyone to some degree, or somehow avoid contact with people they are not attracted to ... but can't they just try to remember what it was like to have very weak or no sexual attraction, from their own childhood?

I don't buy that children are entirely asexual, but I remember it being a very unimportant thing, more a game than a real urge. I miss being that way, to be frank, and am rather pleased to be getting into middle-age with it's diminuation of testosterone.

Sexuality has never been a very positive thing for me, but I can't fool myself into believing it isn't an urge and a motivator for me.

I find it very curious that posters to this thread say things like "I can't imagine what it would be like to be asexual."

Surely it would just be a matter of looking at how they feel about people they are completely unattracted to, and imagining that they feel that way about everyone. Some rare people I suppose are either attracted to everyone to some degree, or somehow avoid contact with people they are not attracted to ... but can't they just try to remember what it was like to have very weak or no sexual attraction, from their own childhood?

I don't buy that children are entirely asexual, but I remember it being a very unimportant thing, more a game than a real urge. I miss being that way, to be frank, and am rather pleased to be getting into middle-age with it's diminuation of testosterone.

Sexuality has never been a very positive thing for me, but I can't fool myself into believing it isn't an urge and a motivator for me.

That's pretty much what my question was. :)

So you don't think that losing the fear will lead you to want sexual relationships?

No, I don't think it'll lead me to want sexual relationships.

I've been wondering why people seem to have such a difficult time accepting asexuality.

For example, my mom constantly seems to try to point out guys to me, call my male friends cute, say things like "Oh, I don't want you to marry him" as if that would ever have occurred to me in the first place. Then she makes a point of telling me how accepting she would be if I told her that I was lesbian.

What I've been wondering is if she says she would be so accepting of me if I were a lesbian or if I were straight, why can't she just accept me as I am then, instead of constantly telling me that I'm just going through a "phase"?
Why does it seem so much harder for people to accept that people can possibly not be attracted to people of either sex?

When I've "come out" to friends before, at least one of them has told me that they don't think that anyone can not be sexually attracted to someone. I don't understand why it's so difficult for people to understand. It should be harder for me to envision how sexuals feel than it is for them to understand asexuality. I mean, I've never felt any sort of sexual attraction, so I just have to think "Ok, they feel something that I don't. I don't know whatever it is that they feel feels like, but I can accept that they feel it, even though I don't." But unless someone is sexually attracted to everyone they meet, they can know what it's like to not be attracted to someone. Then maybe they can extend like how they feel about the sex or the people that they are not attracted to to the idea that asexuals lack attraction to anyone, and try to understand it that way.

I hope I'm making sense. Feel free to discuss asexuality and related topics here.

because it is a bloody phase

because it is a bloody phase

How do you know? What makes you say that?

I want to be able to still not want sex but not have to be afraid of it.But the question is, why are you afraid of it at all? If your asexuality is a psychologically unproblematic lack of response to certain physical and emotional stimuli, what would provoke your fear?

And if it is possible that some experience could get you to fear sex, isn't it possible that some experience prevents you from being interested in it? What if losing your fear means opening yourself up to the possibility that sex is enjoyable?

How do you know? What makes you say that?

Because all human beings, with the mental capacity on par with our mammal brethren have an inbuilt desire to engage in sexual acts. No human being is born without that desire. You're a young person who's hormone's just haven't kicked in. Sorry, but you're not special.

Because all human beings, with the mental capacity on par with our mammal brethren have an inbuilt desire to engage in sexual acts. No human being is born without that desire.

In what sense do children have an "inbuilt desire to engage in sexual acts" ?

You're a young person who's hormone's just haven't kicked in. Sorry, but you're not special.

This contradicts what is immediately above it. Without the hormones, there is no desire?

I want to be able to still not want sex but not have to be afraid of it. I think I'm getting better in this respect from therapy and talking about it.Is there a specific reason that you're afraid of it that you're aware of? (And want to share?)

But the question is, why are you afraid of it at all? If your asexuality is a psychologically unproblematic lack of response to certain physical and emotional stimuli, what would provoke your fear?

And if it is possible that some experience could get you to fear sex, isn't it possible that some experience prevents you from being interested in it? What if losing your fear means opening yourself up to the possibility that sex is enjoyable?

I'm afraid of it because it seems gross and icky and sounds painful. I think it's more tied to my fear of anything touching my private parts, so in the same way that I'm afraid of tampons or going to a gynecologist I'm afraid of sex too, I guess.

I'm afraid of it because it seems gross and icky and sounds painful. I think it's more tied to my fear of anything touching my private parts, so in the same way that I'm afraid of tampons or going to a gynecologist I'm afraid of sex too, I guess.

It seems like the fear you describe might be more than enough reason for your mother to suspect that your asexuality isn't a natural occurrance but one resulting from fear. I don't mean to offend but you aren't exactly the poster girl for asexuality as a norm.

It seems like the fear you describe might be more than enough reason for your mother to suspect that your asexuality isn't a natural occurrance but one resulting from fear. I don't mean to offend but you aren't exactly the poster girl for asexuality as a norm.

I know that I'm not. There are much more "normal" people on AVEN than me (although I'm certainly not the most unusual person there). This fear is also one that has been decreasing as I've talked about it in therapy.

I know that I'm not. There are much more "normal" people on AVEN than me (although I'm certainly not the most unusual person there). This fear is also one that has been decreasing as I've talked about it in therapy.

Well you've given me plenty to think about anywho. Thanks :)

Well you've given me plenty to think about anywho. Thanks :)

All right. You're welcome. :)

I think it's possible you're not so much asexual as you are just really very finicky and OCD with a mix of a bit of germaphobe, and the 'fearing/not wanting sex' thing is just a side effect of that.

I think it's possible you're not so much asexual as you are just really very finicky and OCD with a mix of a bit of germaphobe, and the 'fearing/not wanting sex' thing is just a side effect of that.

I'm a bit like that. From what she's said I don't think that she is.

I think it's possible you're not so much asexual as you are just really very finicky and OCD with a mix of a bit of germaphobe, and the 'fearing/not wanting sex' thing is just a side effect of that.

I'm not OCD or a germaphobe. My brother is, or at least was treated for OCD when he was younger and is starting to get germaphobic again (refusing to empty the dishwasher because he thinks it's still dirty, spending half an hour to dry off after he's done with his shower until his hair is absolutely dry, etc.)
I don't act anything like that, so I don't think it's OCD or germaphobia.

I am very finicky, though. There are a lot of things that I'm afraid or used to be afraid of that aren't related to this: elevators (not anymore), dogs (currently), certain types of moss (not anymore), crowds (not so much anymore), etc.

And I would still be asexual because I'm not attracted to anyone.

I'm not OCD or a germaphobe. My brother is, or at least was treated for OCD when he was younger and is starting to get germaphobic again (refusing to empty the dishwasher because he thinks it's still dirty, spending half an hour to dry off after he's done with his shower until his hair is absolutely dry, etc.)
I don't act anything like that, so I don't think it's OCD or germaphobia.

I am very finicky, though. There are a lot of things that I'm afraid or used to be afraid of that aren't related to this: elevators (not anymore), dogs (currently), certain types of moss (not anymore), crowds (not so much anymore), etc.

And I would still be asexual because I'm not attracted to anyone.

Well yeah you'd still be asexual, but the question now is "Was it born to you, or is it a psychological state of mind that can/could change in the future". If you're getting over all these other phobias, I don't see how this is much different. If/when your therapy allows you to not be afraid of its ickiness and you realize it's not all that painful, I'd wager it could change.

I still don't like your mom, but I kind of see where she's coming from in thinking it's just a phase.

If the asexuality was the only thing psychologically noteworthy of you, then we could probably safely assume that it was a born-in thing like homo/heterosexuality, but since we have all these other things you're working on as well... well, its source is just a bit iffy.

Well yeah you'd still be asexual, but the question now is "Was it born to you, or is it a psychological state of mind that can/could change in the future". If you're getting over all these other phobias, I don't see how this is much different. If/when your therapy allows you to not be afraid of its ickiness and you realize it's not all that painful, I'd wager it could change.

I still don't like your mom, but I kind of see where she's coming from in thinking it's just a phase.

If the asexuality was the only thing psychologically noteworthy of you, then we could probably safely assume that it was a born-in thing like homo/heterosexuality, but since we have all these other things you're working on as well... well, its source is just a bit iffy.

But why bother?

Pfft. Try being 27, eldest son, and told "How come you never bring any girls home?":rolleyes: Not that I've brought any guys home(at least, not since my school days, when it was more for help with some video games). Not that they would ever accept that, as they have told my brother and I countless times.:headbang: Maybe I'm just too patient to bother with the hunt.

But why bother?

?

Why not?

Well yeah you'd still be asexual, but the question now is "Was it born to you, or is it a psychological state of mind that can/could change in the future". If you're getting over all these other phobias, I don't see how this is much different. If/when your therapy allows you to not be afraid of its ickiness and you realize it's not all that painful, I'd wager it could change.

I still don't like your mom, but I kind of see where she's coming from in thinking it's just a phase.

If the asexuality was the only thing psychologically noteworthy of you, then we could probably safely assume that it was a born-in thing like homo/heterosexuality, but since we have all these other things you're working on as well... well, its source is just a bit iffy.

I can see how that's possible, but I'm not neccessarily going to change.

If someone with the same problems I've listed said they were homosexual or heterosexual, would you doubt them?

?

Why not?

I want to overcome the fears, but I don't want to change, and I don't think it'll make me suddenly become attracted to people.

I want to overcome the fears, but I don't want to change, and I don't think it'll make me suddenly become attracted to people.

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

I can see how that's possible, but I'm not neccessarily going to change.

If someone with the same problems I've listed said they were homosexual or heterosexual, would you doubt them?

Yes, actually.

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

I asked first ;)

I asked first ;)

Touche, unfortunately I'm going to bed before the one that you were asking returns.

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

The obvious answer would be "because that's who I am", but if "who I am" changes, then the situation is different.

The obvious answer would be "because that's who I am", but if "who I am" changes, then the situation is different.

What about who you want to be and who you think you are? They'd change to be in line with who you at different times.

I don't understand why asexuality should be considered a problem. If Chandelier is fine with it, I don't see why anyone else should care. It's not like it's hurting anyone.

Why don't you want to change? What is it that makes you feel that way?

My asexuality is a part of who I am. Without it, I'd still be me, but it'd be different and I would feel strange. So if there's no compelling reason to change it, I see no reason to change it.

Yes, actually.

All right then. :)

My asexuality is a part of who I am. Without it, I'd still be me, but it'd be different and I would feel strange. So if there's no compelling reason to change it, I see no reason to change it.

You're right. But as has been pointed out, if you changed you'd be a different person.

Hmm, you're back. I was supposed to to go to bed after you left. Well that worked out well :rolleyes:

You're right. But as has been pointed out, if you changed you'd be a different person.

Hmm, you're back. I was supposed to to go to bed after you left. Well that worked out well :rolleyes:

Well, I want to be me, not some other person.

I don't understand why asexuality should be considered a problem. If Chandelier is fine with it, I don't see why anyone else should care. It's not like it's hurting anyone.

I don't consider it a problem, I'm just worried that if her asexuality is caused by psychological problems, then she could run into bigger difficulties along the way if she doesn't try to come to terms with them - as a side effect of coming to terms with them, I believe that her asexuality will subside. It's not a goal, it's just a possibility.

Well, I want to be me, not some other person.

You'd still be you. You'd just change from Chandelier that's afraid of sexuality, to Chandelier that has and most likely enjoys sex. It's just one part of you.

I don't consider it a problem, I'm just worried that if her asexuality is caused by psychological problems, then she could run into bigger difficulties along the way if she doesn't try to come to terms with them - as a side effect of coming to terms with them, I believe that her asexuality will subside. It's not a goal, it's just a possibility.



You'd still be you. You'd just change from Chandelier that's afraid of sexuality, to Chandelier that has and most likely enjoys sex. It's just one part of you.

I don't think it's going to make me sexual.

Becoming sexual wouldn't mean that I would have sex anyway... there would still be religious beliefs in the way of that, even if I did become sexual.

I don't think it's going to make me sexual.

Becoming sexual wouldn't mean that I would have sex anyway... there would still be religious beliefs in the way of that, even if I did become sexual.

What religious beliefs are those? (if you don't mind saying of course)

I don't think it's going to make me sexual.

Becoming sexual wouldn't mean that I would have sex anyway... there would still be religious beliefs in the way of that, even if I did become sexual.

Well you're not -not- sexual now, you're just anti-sexual.

And blah for religious beliefs.

What religious beliefs are those? (if you don't mind saying of course)

Catholic. Not supposed to have sex before marriage. All becoming sexual would change would be that I could get married if I found someone I wanted to marry.

Well you're not -not- sexual now, you're just anti-sexual.


I'm not anti-sexual. I'm not against other people having sex. I just don't want to have sex.

Catholic. Not supposed to have sex before marriage. All becoming sexual would change would be that I could get married if I found someone I wanted to marry.



I'm not anti-sexual. I'm not against other people having sex. I just don't want to have sex.

You're personally anti-sexual, then. You have an actual aversion to any and all types of sex and masturbation, rather than a simple nonpreference.

You're personally anti-sexual, then. You have an actual aversion to any and all types of sex and masturbation, rather than a simple nonpreference.

I'm not anti-sexual. I'm a repulsed-asexual, like the other 27% of asexuals in the poll I linked to earlier.

I'm not anti-sexual. I'm a repulsed-asexual, like the other 27% of asexuals in the poll I linked to earlier.

I don't understand the latin behind the term 'asexual' - it's used to describe beings that have the ability to reproduce with themselves. How is that the same as having no sex drive?

Regardless, we're still arguing semantics. You're repulsed by sex.

I don't understand the latin behind the term 'asexual'

The "a" prefix is not Latin, but Greek, and means "not" or "without."

it's used to describe beings that have the ability to reproduce with themselves. How is that the same as having no sex drive?

It's not, but the term was probably not derived from the term used in biology--rather simply from the addition of "a" to "sexuality" to convey the meaning of "without sexuality."

I don't understand the latin behind the term 'asexual' - it's used to describe beings that have the ability to reproduce with themselves. How is that the same as having no sex drive?

Regardless, we're still arguing semantics. You're repulsed by sex.

Asexuality isn't used to describe no sex drive, just no sexual attraction. It wouldn't make a difference for me but for others it does because apparently they have sex drives but no sexual attraction. And I didn't choose the term, but it's one that the asexual community chose.

Yes, I am repulsed by sex. So?

The "a" prefix is not Latin, but Greek, and means "not" or "without."



It's not, but the term was probably not derived from the term used in biology--rather simply from the addition of "a" to "sexuality" to convey the meaning of "without sexuality."

Hm. Kay, thanks for clearing that up.

Yes, I am repulsed by sex. So?

So if that repulsion were to be indirectly relieved through your therapy, then you wouldn't be asexual anymore. You have an aversion towards sexuality, not a lack of or inability to experience such. If you had a lack of, then there would be nothing concrete that could be removed or treated or cured through psychotherapy, but since there's an aversion, there's a purpose, and there's a reason.

My guess is that that reason is your upbringing, your mom, possibly your religion.

I realize I sound like I'm trying to cure you of some disease, but I'm not - it just really seems to me that you're most likely suffering from a psychological disorder more than anything else. I'm sorry if that offends you, because I don't intend for it to.

So if that repulsion were to be indirectly relieved through your therapy, then you wouldn't be asexual anymore. You have an aversion towards sexuality, not a lack of or inability to experience such. If you had a lack of, then there would be nothing concrete that could be removed or treated or cured through psychotherapy, but since there's an aversion, there's a purpose, and there's a reason.

My guess is that that reason is your upbringing, your mom, possibly your religion.

I realize I sound like I'm trying to cure you of some disease, but I'm not - it just really seems to me that you're most likely suffering from a psychological disorder more than anything else. I'm sorry if that offends you, because I don't intend for it to.

maybe she just is. maybe she isn't suffering some psychological problem? (although yeah, maybe she is) if you said all of that to a gay person you would be called a bigot. why is it okay to say it to Chandy? I think it's probably not. I for one don't get the asexual thing, but that's probably because I haven't experienced it either. Kinda like I don't get how my lesbian friend is repulsed by the thought of having relations with a man.....I haven't experienced that, so I can't really say whether or not it's some sort of problem or if she is just different. In any case, it's really not my place to comment.

So if that repulsion were to be indirectly relieved through your therapy, then you wouldn't be asexual anymore. You have an aversion towards sexuality, not a lack of or inability to experience such. If you had a lack of, then there would be nothing concrete that could be removed or treated or cured through psychotherapy, but since there's an aversion, there's a purpose, and there's a reason.

My guess is that that reason is your upbringing, your mom, possibly your religion.

I realize I sound like I'm trying to cure you of some disease, but I'm not - it just really seems to me that you're most likely suffering from a psychological disorder more than anything else. I'm sorry if that offends you, because I don't intend for it to.

I really think repulsion is not a bad thing, I mean aren't most of us repulsed by murder, tortue and rape? Whilst I'm not sayin sex is that bad of a thing, although i do think it destroys more lives than say alcohol, i really think looking through the asexuals' eyes is a good idea.

I guess repulsion could be the cause of much pain and maybe those not repulsed by anything (buddha and jesus if they are real are examples except when jesus gets pissed off at temple) are more capable of acting compassionatly, but i think there's far too much repulsion in everyone to focus on repulsion from sex. Leads to a physically healthy lifestyle as long as you get good exercise i imagine.

Kinda like I don't get how my lesbian friend is repulsed by the thought of having relations with a man.....

Which brings up another point: lots of people are repulsed by the idea of having sex with people they're not attracted to.

So if that repulsion were to be indirectly relieved through your therapy, then you wouldn't be asexual anymore. You have an aversion towards sexuality, not a lack of or inability to experience such. If you had a lack of, then there would be nothing concrete that could be removed or treated or cured through psychotherapy, but since there's an aversion, there's a purpose, and there's a reason.

My guess is that that reason is your upbringing, your mom, possibly your religion.

I realize I sound like I'm trying to cure you of some disease, but I'm not - it just really seems to me that you're most likely suffering from a psychological disorder more than anything else. I'm sorry if that offends you, because I don't intend for it to.

No, I would still be asexual. The repulsion isn't what makes me asexual, although it doesn't stop me from being asexual. I would just be an indifferent-asexual instead of a repulsed-asexual.

You do sound like you're trying to cure me. I want my fear to go away but it isn't necessary for the repulsion to go away. Smunkee mentioned a lesbian friend who is repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man, and I've heard of straight men who are repulsed by the idea of sex with other men. They're repulsed by the idea of having sex with people they aren't attracted to. Why should it be unusual that I am repulsed by the idea of having sex with people that I'm not attracted to (which in my case happens to be everyone)?

In fact, I envy you. Live must be much easier your way. (Then again, I don't know you... Maybe it's a waste...:D).

Other question:
Can you actually have romantic feelings for other people, or does it extend onto that as well? (In case this was asked and aswered somewhere else in the thread, I beg your pardon for not reading the entire thread.)

Having looked through this thread I see a number of themes emerge:

- not having sex has to be labeled (some psychological badge attached)
- once labeled it has to turned into some kind of personal crusade for recognition (the asexuals vs the rest: "Go, team, go!")

Here's some sound advice: tell whoever is pressuring you to get laid to go fuck themselves. The married can be extremely condescending to those living outside captivity.

Also, don't group yourself with the "asexuals". I'm sure there is more to your personality and identity than the number of times you get laid a day.

Now, for the risk of sounding like a bad psychologist this "problem" is found among men too - especially highly focused ones. You get deeply enough involved in designing a space shuttle you could not even be bothered to take a piss, never mind fuck anyone (except over but that is a different story).

And to you offended by the word "fuck", my group - the Fuckers - say it loud and proud.:p

No, I would still be asexual. The repulsion isn't what makes me asexual, although it doesn't stop me from being asexual. I would just be an indifferent-asexual instead of a repulsed-asexual.

You do sound like you're trying to cure me. I want my fear to go away but it isn't necessary for the repulsion to go away. Smunkee mentioned a lesbian friend who is repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man, and I've heard of straight men who are repulsed by the idea of sex with other men. They're repulsed by the idea of having sex with people they aren't attracted to. Why should it be unusual that I am repulsed by the idea of having sex with people that I'm not attracted to (which in my case happens to be everyone)?

Why don't you want to be "cured" for want of a better word? Wouldn't you like to experience sex, love etc...?

Having looked through this thread I see a number of themes emerge:

- not having sex has to be labeled (some psychological badge attached)
- once labeled it has to turned into some kind of personal crusade for recognition (the asexuals vs the rest: "Go, team, go!")

Here's some sound advice: tell whoever is pressuring you to get laid to go fuck themselves. The married can be extremely condescending to those living outside captivity.

Also, don't group yourself with the "asexuals". I'm sure there is more to your personality and identity than the number of times you get laid a day.

Now, for the risk of sounding like a bad psychologist this "problem" is found among men too - especially highly focused ones. You get deeply enough involved in designing a space shuttle you could not even be bothered to take a piss, never mind fuck anyone (except over but that is a different story).

And to you offended by the word "fuck", my group - the Fuckers - say it loud and proud.:p

Asexual is not defined by not having sex. Some asexuals have had sex to compromise/try it out/etc., and some sexuals haven't had sex (celibacy, I guess). It's just that asexuals aren't attracted to anyone and don't desire sex.

About the focusing thing, that would only be temporary, though. It's not the same thing. And I never said that asexuality is only found in women... it's not.

In fact, I envy you. Live must be much easier your way. (Then again, I don't know you... Maybe it's a waste...:D).

Other question:
Can you actually have romantic feelings for other people, or does it extend onto that as well? (In case this was asked and aswered somewhere else in the thread, I beg your pardon for not reading the entire thread.)

Many asexuals do. I haven't, but it's possible that I could later.

maybe she just is. maybe she isn't suffering some psychological problem? (although yeah, maybe she is) if you said all of that to a gay person you would be called a bigot. why is it okay to say it to Chandy? I think it's probably not. I for one don't get the asexual thing, but that's probably because I haven't experienced it either. Kinda like I don't get how my lesbian friend is repulsed by the thought of having relations with a man.....I haven't experienced that, so I can't really say whether or not it's some sort of problem or if she is just different. In any case, it's really not my place to comment.

I've said earlier in this thread that if a gay person had the kind of upbringing, the kind of mother, the kind of phobias that she has, I would suspect the possibility of it having an influence on it. Same for a hetero. Call me a bigot if you want.

No, I would still be asexual. The repulsion isn't what makes me asexual, although it doesn't stop me from being asexual. I would just be an indifferent-asexual instead of a repulsed-asexual.

You do sound like you're trying to cure me. I want my fear to go away but it isn't necessary for the repulsion to go away. Smunkee mentioned a lesbian friend who is repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man, and I've heard of straight men who are repulsed by the idea of sex with other men. They're repulsed by the idea of having sex with people they aren't attracted to. Why should it be unusual that I am repulsed by the idea of having sex with people that I'm not attracted to (which in my case happens to be everyone)?

*shrugs* Just seems suspicious, given the circumstances. I'm just asking you to consider the possibility. I accept that it's entirely possible you're just asexual, born that way, and there's nothing wrong with you.

Why don't you want to be "cured" for want of a better word? Wouldn't you like to experience sex, love etc...?

she can experience love without sex. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to experience sex.

Why don't you want to be "cured" for want of a better word? Wouldn't you like to experience sex, love etc...?

Not really. As was said in the article I linked to earlier...

Why are asexuals reluctant to get "fixed" in therapy or by taking medication? The most important answer is that a number have gone that route, and it does not work. After all, why should it work? If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If you, a sexual pondering this question, had no interest in heavy duty sexual bondage and domination, would you want to take a pill that would turn you on to it? Would you be willing to go to a therapist to explore what childhood traumas supposedly left you unwilling to wield a whip? Would you feel as if you were missing out on being submissive while tied up and splayed over the coffee table? Those who love these sex games feel that non-practitioners miss out on a lot. They would also feel that something had been stolen from them if they were no longer able to express their sexuality in this way. You, however, are unaware of missing anything. You can live a happy, productive life without heavy duty bondage. Or golden showers. Or rubber fantasies.

That is how asexuals view sexuality. They do not crave it, and they do not want to crave it.



*shrugs* Just seems suspicious, given the circumstances. I'm just asking you to consider the possibility. I accept that it's entirely possible you're just asexual, born that way, and there's nothing wrong with you.

Ok then. :) I have considered it, but I don't think it's true.

So what exactly is the contradiction here: you have no desire for sex, but you want to have sex otherwise this post would not exist? It seems that you have yourself down pat: someone who will never find love, or friendship, or achieve anything because you don't screw. Have you ever had good sex?

she can experience love without sex. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to experience sex.

But isn't love really... ultimately... sexual hormones?

But isn't love really... ultimately... sexual hormones?

no, infatuation is, being horny is, being bitchy before your period is......but love? notsomuch.

you can totally love someone without having sex with them, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

no, infatuation is, being horny is, being bitchy before your period is......but love? notsomuch.

you can totally love someone without having sex with them, and don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

I'm still pretty sure it's still the same hormones creating the sensation, even if the sensation is a bit different.

I'm still pretty sure it's still the same hormones creating the sensation, even if the sensation is a bit different.

what sensation are you talking about? love is not a sensation.

what sensation are you talking about? love is not a sensation.

I'm not talking about "your my best friend and i'll always love you" or "i love you god" or "i love you mum" kind of love, i'm talking about romantic love (as in falling in love with someone?)

So what exactly is the contradiction here: you have no desire for sex, but you want to have sex otherwise this post would not exist? It seems that you have yourself down pat: someone who will never find love, or friendship, or achieve anything because you don't screw. Have you ever had good sex?

No, I don't want to have sex. This post exists because people I know won't accept that, and I was wondering why. I have friends, and I am still in high school but I have some pretty good accomplishments considering that, like I'm number 1 in my class of about 500 people in terms of grades, I've passed six AP tests, and I've written some stories including a screenplay of over 20,000 words (in a month, for script frenzy), and a story that is still in progress but it over 70,000 words. I have never had sex, and I don't intend to have sex.

I'm not talking about "your my best friend and i'll always love you" or "i love you god" or "i love you mum" kind of love, i'm talking about romantic love (as in falling in love with someone?)

I still don't know what you are talking about. I love my husband, I don't know what "sensation" you are talking about.

I still don't know what you are talking about. I love my husband, I don't know what "sensation" you are talking about.

You said romantic love, i'm assuming thats when you fall in love with someone yes? Surely you must know the feeling?

You said romantic love, i'm assuming thats when you fall in love with someone yes? Surely you must know the feeling?

I don't think so. How do you know when you are falling in love? what are the symptoms?

I don't think so. How do you know when you are falling in love? what are the symptoms?

hmm, can't really describe it...

You said romantic love, i'm assuming thats when you fall in love with someone yes? Surely you must know the feeling?

I don't know about this personally of course, but some asexuals said that they have fallen in love romantically, but they still don't feel sexual attraction even towards the person they fell in love with. But I guess sexuals who could feel both romantic and sexual attraction wouldn't need to distinguish between the two.

I don't know about this personally of course, but some asexuals said that they have fallen in love romantically, but they still don't feel sexual attraction even towards the person they fell in love with. But I guess sexuals who could feel both romantic and sexual attraction wouldn't need to distinguish between the two.

Hmm. Btw, do you think asexuality is to do with hormone imbalence or something psychological?

All right. Two things about sex: when only performed for the sake of having sex, it's awful. Two, or sometimes even more, heaving bodies doing god knows what. Sweaty, smelly, dirty. Animalistic. Crude. That is the base dimension of sex; simple procreation. We fuck to have babies.

But, then there is the joy of making love. Love for pleasure. That where you and the one you are making love to bond at such a deep emotional level it feels like you merge into one and disappear in a haze of ecstasy the effect of which last for hours if not days. It's as if you not only merge with one another but the universe itself. The sad truth is that few men and women understand the art of making love - they equate it with sex positions such as those described in the Karma Sutra. Not to say that those cannot be a lot of fun. Part of it is the passion, the desire - the flow of it all. The other aspect is understanding the human body and how it responds to touch and intimacy. It has been said that making love to a woman is like playing a violin. Maybe a cliche, but true. The way her skin responds to touch, to air, to cold; her breathing; slow arousal that builds and builds under the affection of a lover that knows what he is doing. The same hold for love between women, as well as men. Rent yourself the movie Don Juan de Marco (Johnny Depp and Marlon Brando), if you haven't already seen it. That is passion, and when the time is right, it will happen for you too.

Hmm. Btw, do you think asexuality is to do with hormone imbalence or something psychological?

Personally I think that either it's something you're born with or it varies from person to person. Some asexuals have had their hormones tested and they were normal, so it can't simply be hormones in all asexuals. Asexuals come from diverse family backgrounds and I'm not sure if it's something psychological or not. In most things like this I usually think that it's a combination of nature and nurture, though.

hmm, can't really describe it...
then how do you know it exists?
All right. Two things about sex: when only performed for the sake of having sex, it's awful. Two, or sometimes even more, heaving bodies doing god knows what. Sweaty, smelly, dirty. Animalistic. Crude. That is the base dimension of sex; simple procreation. We fuck to have babies.

But, then there is the joy of making love. Love for pleasure. That where you and the one you are making love to bond at such a deep emotional level it feels like you merge into one and disappear in a haze of ecstasy the effect of which last for hours if not days. It's as if you not only merge with one another but the universe itself. The sad truth is that few men and women understand the art of making love - they equate it with sex positions such as those described in the Karma Sutra. Not to say that those cannot be a lot of fun. Part of it is the passion, the desire - the flow of it all. The other aspect is understanding the human body and how it responds to touch and intimacy. It has been said that making love to a woman is like playing a violin. Maybe a cliche, but true. The way her skin responds to touch, to air, to cold; her breathing; slow arousal that builds and builds under the affection of a lover that knows what he is doing. The same hold for love between women, as well as men. Rent yourself the movie Don Juan de Marco (Johnny Depp and Marlon Brando), if you haven't already seen it. That is passion, and when the time is right, it will happen for you too.

uh.....what :confused:

when the time is right, it will happen for you too.

Not if I have any say in it...

Not if I have any say in it...

don't let them bully you Chandy. There is nothing wrong with abstaining from sex, for any reason you choose to. It is no more normal to have sex than it is to not have sex. Since sex is for pleasure now mostly and not mostly for reproduction, and you don't think you will get pleasure from it, then it's only smart to abstain.

don't let them bully you Chandy. There is nothing wrong with abstaining from sex, for any reason you choose to. It is no more normal to have sex than it is to not have sex. Since sex is for pleasure now mostly and not mostly for reproduction, and you don't think you will get pleasure from it, then it's only smart to abstain.

*nods* :)

[...]It has been said that making love to a woman is like playing a violin.[...]

First, you need a violin.
Then you make a horrible screeching sound for several weeks.
Then you play carols horribly at christmas.
Then you give it up and get a keyboard instead.

That sounds about right, actually. :p

I think it's more tied to my fear of anything touching my private parts, so in the same way that I'm afraid of tampons or going to a gynecologist I'm afraid of sex too, I guess.Those are serious fears, especially something as seemingly innocuous as a tampon. I really feel bad for you; and not because I think you're missing out on sex. It's just that, based on what we know scientifically about human behavior, phobias, and so on... well, these things are often connected to some kind of trauma, and I shudder to think about what you may have endured. I'd suppose it's possible (maybe likely) that you've repressed any memory of something like that. Who could blame you?

I hope that your progress continues... and, I have to admit, on some level I hope that someday you get to experience the joy of romantic involvement with another human being. It really can be a beautiful thing, even if someone's done something very ugly to you in the past. Sometimes that makes it even more beautiful when you manage to do it with someone you trust.

As it happens, my girlfriend of five years has gone through "asexual" periods. She wasn't interested in sex until she was nineteen or so, and then she had been willingly asexual for about four years before we met. Over the years there have also been extended periods during which her libido simply seemed to fall silent. She has also had, from the beginning, issues with my performing oral sex on her or even with my touching her genitals.

Gradually, she has opened up... and this has actually had a lot to do with her opening up about some uncomfortable aspects of her own past. She admitted to me that she and a male cousin played "games" touching each other sexually at a very young age, and while she does not describe being coerced she does have very complex emotions about it. She's described her first sexual experiences, however, as unfortunately rather coercive: first a girlfriend left her in a room with a guy she barely knew explicitly so that he could perform oral sex on her, and then years later another friend abandoned her at the home of an (older) man she barely knew. They wound up making out, then touching... he kept pushing, and she was hesitate, but confused and not quite resisting... she told me how she kept thinking, "I can always stop"... until he managed to "slip it in." When she informed him, panicked, that she was a virgin... his response was a gleeful, "not anymore." Not exactly my idea of how one should lose one's virginity. Indeed, Erica only really started feeling better about it when I effectively gave her permission to call it what it is: rape, on an ethical level if not a legal one.

Anyway, my point is that people can do some really horrible things to each other, and some of the worst of them involve sexual relations--and for that matter, Erica was quite lucky in avoiding some of the more violent aspects of sexuality. As a result of these kinds of traumatic experiences, people shut down, or they develop phobias or other behavioral symptoms.

Some people find that on exploring their fears and aversions, they ultimately open up to pleasurable, even beautiful experiences. And that's the paradox: sex is about the very worst in human nature, but it is also about the very best. Between people who trust and love each other, it involves a kind of physical, emotional, and spiritual closeness that I can hardly imagine in any other way.

Then again, perhaps a rejection of sex is the best way for you to deal with your trauma, whatever it may be. As it happens, I really don't begrudge lesbians whose sexuality is at least partly a response to trauma at the hands of men: if it works for you, it works for you.

Still, I do hope that you remain open to the idea of trusting, of loving, and of enjoying another human being romantically and sexually. I can't help it. Sex is good. :)

If someone with the same problems I've listed said they were homosexual or heterosexual, would you doubt them?Good question.

It's not about me "doubting" them. I certainly have no better information on their sexuality than they do (though perhaps their therapist could set either of us straight).

But when psychological issues seem to cluster around sex and sexuality, when people talk about "fears" and aversions related to genital contact, my advice for them would be the same whether they are asexual, heterosexual, homosexual, or any other variation on human sexuality: if you want to be open to the fullest possibilities of healing, be open to the possibility that you are, on some level, sexually repressed or confused.

It's a simple fact that sex and sexuality, and all the relationships contingent upon them, wreak havoc on our mental apparatus.

In a lot of ways, good therapy is about self-discovery. But that means you might always find something about yourself that you didn't know, perhaps even something you wished to deny.

First, you need a violin.
Then you make a horrible screeching sound for several weeks.
Then you play carols horribly at christmas.
Then you give it up and get a keyboard instead.

That sounds about right, actually. :p

Unless you start at a very young age, so that your fingers can grow into it.

……

Yes, I am repulsed by sex. So?Think of it this way.

If a man is attracted primarily to women, he is heterosexual.
If a man is repulsed by the idea of making out with a man, he is homophobic.

Heterosexuality is a sexual orientation. Homophobia is a defense against unconscious homosexual feelings.

Arguing by analogy, even if asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, an aversion to sex bears all the tell-tale signs of a defense mechanism.

Think of it this way.

If a man is attracted primarily to women, he is heterosexual.
If a man is repulsed by the idea of making out with a man, he is homophobic.

Heterosexuality is a sexual orientation. Homophobia is a defense against unconscious homosexual feelings.

Arguing by analogy, even if asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, an aversion to sex bears all the tell-tale signs of a defense mechanism.

so, say if Fass is disgusted and repulsed by having sex with women...is he heterophobic?

Why don't you want to be "cured" for want of a better word? Wouldn't you like to experience sex, love etc...?This is the aspect of the issue that gets us caught in knots, I think.

Imagine being born without a sense of taste. You might say that you're not missing anything because you don't know what you're missing, but that's a half-truth.

One suspects that after hearing how everyone else raves about the delights of tasty food, if a cure were offer that could regrow your taste buds you might be strongly tempted to employ it (assuming, as always, no significant side-effects).

As others have suggested, I think sex and sexuality has a greater tendency to generate identity politics that may get in the way of people exploring a sense they've never had... a sense from which the vast majority of people derive a significant degree of pleasure. There is a greater tendency to develop a defensive stance proclaiming the virtues of sexlessness than there might be, say, to "stand up for the tasteless!" ;)

It also doesn't help that our puritanical culture insists on viewing sex as "dirty" or immoral, so that we regard people as "virtuous" simply on the fact that they do not indulge in sex. We may insist, for instance, that priests, monks, or nuns must give up their sexuality in order to be "pure." From that perspective, lacking the sense altogether appears to be something of a spiritual blessing.

But I have a different view of spirituality, a "secular" view based very much in the connections inherent in human relations and the joy of celebrating our ability to love and to trust one another. From this perspective, sex is (or can be) among the most spiritual experiences a human being can have. GOOD sex, I should say, couples total gratification with total submission; total selfishness with unmitigated selflessness. It contains, in a sense, the promise of a healthier mode of being in the world together.

For me, it's involuntary.

so, say if Fass is disgusted and repulsed by having sex with women...is he heterophobic?Yes, though as a matter of social criticism and public policy I find that far less problematic, if only because no one seems so very interested in dictating legal norms based on her/his heterophobia.

Homophobia is a social problem because a) our culture offers significant incentives to repress homosexuality, thereby contributing to homophobia as an epidemic; and b) homophobes have taken it upon themselves, as members of a (thankfully dwindling) majority, to try forcing other people to feel the same way.

On the other hand, homophobia is a personal problem because it involves repressed feelings that may (but do not necessarily) negatively impact one's mental health, feelings, or behavior.

Heterophobia is (or can be) a personal problem for precisely the same reason.

Homophobia is a defense against unconscious homosexual feelings.

Always? Really?

Even "predominantly" seems something of a stretch... though I don't doubt that there's much truth to it in a large number of cases.

Always? Really?I'm loathe to claim that any explanation of human behavior is always the case, but the explanation of aversion as a defense mechanism seems pretty consistent.

Even "predominantly" seems something of a stretch... though I don't doubt that there's much truth to it in a large number of cases.Outside of the psychoanalytic tradition, many psychologists had been suspicious of this explanation for some time, largely on the simple argument that it is non-falsifiable.

Turns out it WAS non-falsifiable... but it's not anymore. Recent experiments using devices that detect physical arousal at unconscious levels have provided falsifiable support for the theory: when experimental subjects are shown slides and videos depicting a variety of sexual encounters, homophobic men are more aroused (unconsciously) at depictions of homosexual sex than are non-homophobic heterosexual men.

Arguing by analogy once again, this would suggest that in similar experiments we might predict that sex-averse asexuals should show more unconscious arousal than non-averse asexuals.

I don't understand the latin behind the term 'asexual' - it's used to describe beings that have the ability to reproduce with themselves. How is that the same as having no sex drive?

Asexual - (One who is) without sex
Asexual Reproduction - Reproduction without sex

In fact, I envy you. Live must be much easier your way. (Then again, I don't know you... Maybe it's a waste...:D).

Oh come on don't say that. It's not that bad, sure the constant pestering is a little annoying but it's still not that bad.

But, then there is the joy of making love. Love for pleasure. That where you and the one you are making love to bond at such a deep emotional level it feels like you merge into one and disappear in a haze of ecstasy the effect of which last for hours if not days. It's as if you not only merge with one another but the universe itself.

Your really not going to convince her with talk like that. She holds tightly to their identity, talking about people merging probably isn't the best way of going about it.

Imagine being born without a sense of taste. You might say that you're not missing anything because you don't know what you're missing, but that's a half-truth.

One suspects that after hearing how everyone else raves about the delights of tasty food, if a cure were offer that could regrow your taste buds you might be strongly tempted to employ it (assuming, as always, no significant side-effects).

I can't see very well beyond a few metres. I only wear my glasses when I need to because I'm too used to my way of seeing the world. Also I have an above average sense of taste and that's most likely what results in me hating the taste of most foods, but I still probably wouldn't fix it if I had the chance. Properly functioning senses are over-rated.

This is the aspect of the issue that gets us caught in knots, I think.

Imagine being born without a sense of taste. You might say that you're not missing anything because you don't know what you're missing, but that's a half-truth.

One suspects that after hearing how everyone else raves about the delights of tasty food, if a cure were offer that could regrow your taste buds you might be strongly tempted to employ it (assuming, as always, no significant side-effects).

A half-truth, indeed.

I suggest it is like the difference between being a hockey-fan, and a hockey-player. It is quite possible for someone to consider themselves the biggest fan of hockey, or of some hockey team, yet not even consider trying to play it themselves. To them, the team or some famous player are like icons, beyond their mortal reach, and to even practice a bit on an empty field would be some kind of sacrilege.

These people don't want the whole experience. They just want the social recognition. They are, if you will, experts of perception for whom reality is just a distraction.

I think it's difficult for young people, because they've had years and years to plan a sexual identity, to participate on the "fan" level, before they get to "play the game." They rarely go into the experience level without some huge expectations of what it's "meant" to be like or how it will affect them.

Or to return to your analogy, a person with no sense of taste could be a quite competent cook, paying careful attention to the source of their ingredients and the responses of those who can taste. They could build quite a bit of self-respect on their ability to cook, even though they don't fully appreciate the food themselves.

Such a person could rather fear the added complexity. It might undermine what their own sense of competence in what they are already lauded for and proud of being able to do.

Below, you go on to describe how wonderful sex can be. But I posit that for a lot of people it is no such thing, they rarely get beyond the "fandom" stage and become a really dedicated "player." They tuck into their favourite dish, (be it microwaved chips in packet gravy,) and sit back satisfied, and that's IT. Any spiritual connection or trust-building is discounted in the wake of the payoff, the orgasm.

Of course, the energy doesn't just go away. But without the respectful and whole-person approach you apparently approach sexual love with, it often hernias into inflating the ego, or strengthens a personal dependence on another, or simply becomes a drug, a fix of gratification which is tied by habit to another person (or a series of them.)

Personally, I fear the loss of autonomy from sex. I definitely get what you describe below, a great sense of care and shared destiny with another (from sharing each other's bodies, as it were) but for me that is too much to take on board. I simply sink into society ... I'd rather be a boat than a fish, I guess.

I've been voluntarily celibate for many years (before that, rather involuntarily.) But I leave the door open for myself, to change.

As others have suggested, I think sex and sexuality has a greater tendency to generate identity politics that may get in the way of people exploring a sense they've never had... a sense from which the vast majority of people derive a significant degree of pleasure. There is a greater tendency to develop a defensive stance proclaiming the virtues of sexlessness than there might be, say, to "stand up for the tasteless!" ;)

"Ageusia" == not having the sense of taste.
This point is biased by your choice of analogy. Taste is hugely underrepresented in societal relations, whereas I feel visual attractiveness is overstressed. Sexually attractive people have all sorts of advantages which really have nothing to do with their value to society ... it's almost like a currency.

Hmm. I wonder if Chandelier finds voices "attractive."

It also doesn't help that our puritanical culture insists on viewing sex as "dirty" or immoral, so that we regard people as "virtuous" simply on the fact that they do not indulge in sex. We may insist, for instance, that priests, monks, or nuns must give up their sexuality in order to be "pure." From that perspective, lacking the sense altogether appears to be something of a spiritual blessing.

Yes. That's a funny thing you did there. The paragraph reads very differently without the last sentence.

Confusing yourself, petal? Or trying to confuse us?

But I have a different view of spirituality, a "secular" view based very much in the connections inherent in human relations and the joy of celebrating our ability to love and to trust one another. From this perspective, sex is (or can be) among the most spiritual experiences a human being can have. GOOD sex, I should say, couples total gratification with total submission; total selfishness with unmitigated selflessness. It contains, in a sense, the promise of a healthier mode of being in the world together.

Nice. :)

These were great posts, too:

[...]
[...]
[...]

... but I won't hog the thread.

Yes. That's a funny thing you did there. The paragraph reads very differently without the last sentence.

Confusing yourself, petal? Or trying to confuse us?I was shooting for half-confessional irony, so if I landed on "confusing" my rhetoric leaves much to be desired.

Or, to put it another way,

:p

Hmm. I wonder if Chandelier finds voices "attractive."


I don't know, but certain voices make me feel really happy and relaxed, like Michael Crawford's voice. Don't know if that counts as attractive though.

Those are serious fears, especially something as seemingly innocuous as a tampon. I really feel bad for you; and not because I think you're missing out on sex. It's just that, based on what we know scientifically about human behavior, phobias, and so on... well, these things are often connected to some kind of trauma, and I shudder to think about what you may have endured. I'd suppose it's possible (maybe likely) that you've repressed any memory of something like that. Who could blame you?

As far as I know I haven't been through any trauma.



I have to go really soon, so I guess I'll answer more when I get back.

All right. Two things about sex: when only performed for the sake of having sex, it's awful. Two, or sometimes even more, heaving bodies doing god knows what. Sweaty, smelly, dirty. Animalistic. Crude. That is the base dimension of sex; simple procreation. We fuck to have babies.

But, then there is the joy of making love. Love for pleasure. That where you and the one you are making love to bond at such a deep emotional level it feels like you merge into one and disappear in a haze of ecstasy the effect of which last for hours if not days. It's as if you not only merge with one another but the universe itself. The sad truth is that few men and women understand the art of making love - they equate it with sex positions such as those described in the Karma Sutra. Not to say that those cannot be a lot of fun. Part of it is the passion, the desire - the flow of it all. The other aspect is understanding the human body and how it responds to touch and intimacy. It has been said that making love to a woman is like playing a violin. Maybe a cliche, but true. The way her skin responds to touch, to air, to cold; her breathing; slow arousal that builds and builds under the affection of a lover that knows what he is doing. The same hold for love between women, as well as men. Rent yourself the movie Don Juan de Marco (Johnny Depp and Marlon Brando), if you haven't already seen it. That is passion, and when the time is right, it will happen for you too.


Oh god no. That's hollywood bullshit, further proven by the fact that you suggested she watch a hollywood movie to see it!

Having sex is incredibly pleasurable 90% of the time, with or without love involved. That's what it is. It's sex. Everything about it is designed for pure enjoyment and physical pleasure. The emotional pleasure is a maybe, but the lack thereof certainly doesn't diminish the experience.

You can have any kind of sex in the world and it could be making love - tying your wife up and putting a ballgag in her mouth before ramming a dildo inside her is making love if you love her. It has nothing to do with the atmosphere, the way the light hits her face, or any of that other bullshit you've been taught by fairytales.

You can have your cake and eat it too, it's just not as glamorous as you'd like it to be - I have no problem with that, though.


Some people find that on exploring their fears and aversions, they ultimately open up to pleasurable, even beautiful experiences. And that's the paradox: sex is about the very worst in human nature, but it is also about the very best. Between people who trust and love each other, it involves a kind of physical, emotional, and spiritual closeness that I can hardly imagine in any other way.

Eh, I dunno. I think genocide and torture are way higher on the 'very worst in human nature' list. Sex is relatively low.

this is a really strange topic....I do agree though that your mom must be really anoying...

Because you're probably unfortunately extremely unattractive of have a horrible personality and you feel the need to try to cover up the complete lack of interest by anyone else in you.In order to make yourself feel better and in control of the sitaution you have convinced yourself in some fantasy world that it is you who are not interested in them.

You see yourself as an outsider, not 'in' with whats going on.You talk about they them others etc. Its classic isolationism. You seem to be suffering from disassociation tendancies also. When it gets to the point where everyone else is wrong and only you're right then its time to question yourself. The clues are all in your post.You could need psychological help.Maybe you have issues so deep down and buried you dont even know it.I might not be your conscious fault at all. Maybe your subconcious is affecting your hormones and chemistry convincing you that you are not attracted to anyone.

But, as for me, I think you already know that deep deep down.The reference to Erik, in the Opera cellars was a dead giveaway.It proves everything I'v said.

Come back soon y'all

Dr Phil

There is no need to talk about probabilities. First of all I saw a photo of Chandelier and I would never describe her as unattractive. Secondly, as they say there's so much more to the person than meets the eye, and in my opinion having such a disgusting puppet like your Cesarus speaks volumes about the person, or rather little stinking worm, behind it.

There is no need to talk about probabilities. First of all I saw a photo of Chandelier and I would never describe her as unattractive.

I'd be careful with that sort of talk if I were you. Last time that happened the person who said it disappeared without a trace, and Chandelier spent the next four weeks rocking back and forth in the foetal position.

I'd be careful with that sort of talk if I were you.
Oh COME ON! :rolleyes: I'm sure everything will be allr

Oh COME ON! :rolleyes: I'm sure everything will be allr

Rumours of the other's death were greatly exaggerated. But it's not entirely false.

Because you're probably unfortunately extremely unattractive of have a horrible personality and you feel the need to try to cover up the complete lack of interest by anyone else in you.In order to make yourself feel better and in control of the sitaution you have convinced yourself in some fantasy world that it is you who are not interested in them.

You see yourself as an outsider, not 'in' with whats going on.You talk about they them others etc. Its classic isolationism. You seem to be suffering from disassociation tendancies also. When it gets to the point where everyone else is wrong and only you're right then its time to question yourself. The clues are all in your post.You could need psychological help.Maybe you have issues so deep down and buried you dont even know it.I might not be your conscious fault at all. Maybe your subconcious is affecting your hormones and chemistry convincing you that you are not attracted to anyone.

But, as for me, I think you already know that deep deep down.The reference to Erik, in the Opera cellars was a dead giveaway.It proves everything I'v said.

Come back soon y'all

Dr Phil

Very nice.:D

Oh COME ON! :rolleyes: I'm sure everything will be allr

In an unrelated story, a man was found dead outside his home yesterday. Police say his body was mangled, stabbed full of holes with what appears to be a phallic object, rather than a knife, while his back had writing on it which police think says "Do you still find me attractive".

More at 11.

We're here
We're not queer
But we aren't straight either

Catchy.

they say one out of a 100 people are asexual. Most people can not figure out why someone would not be attacted to someone.

strangest topic I have seen in a while.

Because you're probably unfortunately extremely unattractive of have a horrible personality and you feel the need to try to cover up the complete lack of interest by anyone else in you.In order to make yourself feel better and in control of the sitaution you have convinced yourself in some fantasy world that it is you who are not interested in them.

You see yourself as an outsider, not 'in' with whats going on.You talk about they them others etc. Its classic isolationism. You seem to be suffering from disassociation tendancies also. When it gets to the point where everyone else is wrong and only you're right then its time to question yourself. The clues are all in your post.You could need psychological help.Maybe you have issues so deep down and buried you dont even know it.I might not be your conscious fault at all. Maybe your subconcious is affecting your hormones and chemistry convincing you that you are not attracted to anyone.

But, as for me, I think you already know that deep deep down.The reference to Erik, in the Opera cellars was a dead giveaway.It proves everything I'v said.

Come back soon y'all

Dr Phil

Actually I've been trying for a long time to make myself unattractive. It doesn't seem to work to well. Also, I am getting psychological help, and how does being a Phantom of the Opera fan somehow make me either very unattractive or a bad person?




There is no need to talk about probabilities. First of all I saw a photo of Chandelier and I would never describe her as unattractive. Secondly, as they say there's so much more to the person than meets the eye, and in my opinion having such a disgusting puppet like your Cesarus speaks volumes about the person, or rather little stinking worm, behind it.
I'd be careful with that sort of talk if I were you. Last time that happened the person who said it disappeared without a trace, and Chandelier spent the next four weeks rocking back and forth in the foetal position.
In an unrelated story, a man was found dead outside his home yesterday. Police say his body was mangled, stabbed full of holes with what appears to be a phallic object, rather than a knife, while his back had writing on it which police think says "Do you still find me attractive".

More at 11.

:p

Really, though, I'm not a violent person. I just don't particularly like it when people tell me that they think I'm attractive, but I've been getting better at dealing with it.

Actually I've been trying for a long time to make myself unattractive. It doesn't seem to work to well. Also, I am getting psychological help, and how does being a Phantom of the Opera fan somehow make me either very unattractive or a bad person?


:p He was joking.

:p

Really, though, I'm not a violent person. I just don't particularly like it when people tell me that they think I'm attractive, but I've been getting better at dealing with it.

I know. The news report was just too good to pass up. It's made more funny by the fact that you're a very nonchalant, very amiable person - imagining you going into a psychotic rage when someone compliments your looks is just too good.

Actually I've been trying for a long time to make myself unattractive. ... I just don't particularly like it when people tell me that they think I'm attractive, but I've been getting better at dealing with it.

Hrm, you know...that's remarkably telling...

Hey Igor ere

Just to say i think asexu........ is ok.

Me a fighter and commander, me and da boyz ave no time for sex wid all the running of da county and such. So no probs with da as far as im consered peoples do what peoples do. sex is da big thing for humans so no forcing it. if you don't want it you don't want it. Clear?!?! Good.

Igor Ardboy

:p He was joking.


I know. The news report was just too good to pass up. It's made more funny by the fact that you're a very nonchalant, very amiable person - imagining you going into a psychotic rage when someone compliments your looks is just too good.

Oh, sorry. I thought he was trying to be mean.

:p :)

Because you associate with the Phantom on a subconscious level. He was an outsider, cast away, hidden from the world. However most of this was self imposed. You're trying to withdraw from the people around you, hiding yourself away. Maybe you should try to stand on the stage instead of the crypt and take of the mask. You could find your chris (and/or christine) whatever.

That or maybe you've got a vocation to God.

And a note for the other hypocrits that ASSUMED when I said unnattractive I was referring to physical appearances. That just proves the point I was making. I wasnt being shallow. But for anyone who criticised me for saying that maybe they should get off the high horse because they just made fools of themselves trying to insult me.A person can be physically beautiful yet extremely unattractive.Or the reverse, i.e. not physically appealling but very attractive.
In trying to belittle my original point they just made plain their own prejudices and deep seeded points of view.

By the way Asexual refers to a creature who doesnt need separate partners to reproduce, biologically speaking, such as some flowers, a creature lacking in sexual organs or refers to a specific term, such as an asexual relationship i.e. platonic or familial. Since a) you do need another partner as all humans do to reproduce b) I presume you have sexual organs and c) you are not a noun, I dispute that the term asexual can be used to describe the orientation of a person at all.However Im open to be taught otherwise.

Id like to add that the Phantom of the Opera is a fantastic piece of literature á la Catcher in the Rye about social problems and isolation.

But isn't love really... ultimately... sexual hormones?

Hmmm... Does "Gestalt Theory" ring a bell? It's like... you know... pictures are more than just paper and paint... and people are more than just the flesh they're made from. Maybe Love (capitalizing to stress importance) is based on hormones, but it has become something more than parts the parts it is made up from and doesn't obey it's roots any longer, just like humankind does more than just each, reproduce and sleep, although that is all our nature would request from us. Personally, I think love to be more important than sex. In fact, I'm never feeling sexual desire for girls I fall in love with. I fall in love with girls because I find them cute (on a psychological level) and beautiful (on the physical level), but I don't, though I can see they are quite hot, feel any sexual desire for them because of that. It's just, well, we go have an ice cream, dream about this and that or go down to the river when its hot, and that's just fine with me. Though I do feel sexual desire for certain girls, these are certainly not the ones I would fall in love with (and vice versa), because they lack that "cutey" trait.
Oh well... I sound screwed-up, don't I?

Hmmm... Does "Gestalt Theory" ring a bell? It's like... you know... pictures are more than just paper and paint... and people are more than just the flesh they're made from. Maybe Love (capitalizing to stress importance) is based on hormones, but it has become something more than parts the parts it is made up from and doesn't obey it's roots any longer, just like humankind does more than just each, reproduce and sleep, although that is all our nature would request from us. Personally, I think love to be more important than sex. In fact, I'm never feeling sexual desire for girls I fall in love with. I fall in love with girls because I find them cute (on a psychological level) and beautiful (on the physical level), but I don't, though I can see they are quite hot, feel any sexual desire for them because of that. It's just, well, we go have an ice cream, dream about this and that or go down to the river when its hot, and that's just fine with me. Though I do feel sexual desire for certain girls, these are certainly not the ones I would fall in love with (and vice versa), because they lack that "cutey" trait.
Oh well... I sound screwed-up, don't I?

I think if a girl is cute, she can become beautiful, and vice-versa. It's just a different style. I think pigtails are both cute and hawt.

This is different from if a girl is 'sexy'. Slightly. Sexy is prevalent regardless of if they're cute or beautiful - if they are, they usually are, no matter what they dress up as or wear their hair like. And if they're not, oftentimes, they're not.


Course, this is all relative.

Hey Igor ere

Just to say i think asexu........ is ok.

Me a fighter and commander, me and da boyz ave no time for sex wid all the running of da county and such. So no probs with da as far as im consered peoples do what peoples do. sex is da big thing for humans so no forcing it. if you don't want it you don't want it. Clear?!?! Good.

Igor Ardboy

Oh gawd please tell me you're not in the military, or you're really drunk, or better yet, both.

He was joking.
I totally didn' get it. And I just thought that the "explanation" provided was extremally lame. And I went out of my way to formulate my thoughts so as not to offend Chandelier. And I'm probably twice older than her and married to boot. Now I feel like an ass, and I'm not sure why :(. I'd like to wish everyone good night.

I think genocide and torture are way higher on the 'very worst in human nature' list. Sex is relatively low.Different manifestations of the same thing. The worst in human nature is in all of us. Doesn't mean we all go out to commit genocide.

On the other hand, there are still relatively few social sanctions for treating a human being as a mere object when it comes to sex. Especially if that human being happens to be a woman.

I totally didn' get it. And I just thought that the "explanation" provided was extremally lame. And I went out of my way to formulate my thoughts so as not to offend Chandelier. And I'm probably twice older than her and married to boot. Now I feel like an ass, and I'm not sure why :(. I'd like to wish everyone good night.

You didn't offend me. Don't worry about it. :)

Because you associate with the Phantom on a subconscious level. He was an outsider, cast away, hidden from the world. However most of this was self imposed. You're trying to withdraw from the people around you, hiding yourself away. Maybe you should try to stand on the stage instead of the crypt and take of the mask. You could find your chris (and/or christine) whatever.

That or maybe you've got a vocation to God.

And a note for the other hypocrits that ASSUMED when I said unnattractive I was referring to physical appearances. That just proves the point I was making. I wasnt being shallow. But for anyone who criticised me for saying that maybe they should get off the high horse because they just made fools of themselves trying to insult me.A person can be physically beautiful yet extremely unattractive.Or the reverse, i.e. not physically appealling but very attractive.
In trying to belittle my original point they just made plain their own prejudices and deep seeded points of view.

By the way Asexual refers to a creature who doesnt need separate partners to reproduce, biologically speaking, such as some flowers, a creature lacking in sexual organs or refers to a specific term, such as an asexual relationship i.e. platonic or familial. Since a) you do need another partner as all humans do to reproduce b) I presume you have sexual organs and c) you are not a noun, I dispute that the term asexual can be used to describe the orientation of a person at all.However Im open to be taught otherwise.

Id like to add that the Phantom of the Opera is a fantastic piece of literature á la Catcher in the Rye about social problems and isolation.

Ok...

It sounded like you were saying physically unattractive because you mentioned horrible personality after that.

Asexual is the word that other people were already using to describe the way I feel, so I use it.

I think it just confuses the issue of sexual attraction to introduce standards of attractiveness.

"Attractiveness" is a modern omnibus word. Like so many words introduced to try to be tolerant and inclusive, it has become almost useless in serious discussion. I mean, it seems all good and nice that we have this one word to cover different kinds of attraction between people, and to cover attraction to different traits. To one person, fishnet stockings and lipstick is attractive, to another it's personal qualities like warmth or a sense of humour. So me saying "I found the woman who served me in the cake-shop attractive, so I asked her out" and her telling her friends "even though I'm not supposed to date customers, I asked him out because he was so attractive" has a sort of non-sexist, non-judgemental appeal.

The problem is that the very flexibility of this modern concept allows oppressive and outdated attitudes to be expressed in an acceptable way, and not properly examined. A man can say "my girlfriend is incredibly attractive" and really believe they are talking about an objective quality, attractiveness, which can be measured on a scale like the person's height.

"Sexual attraction" however is a quite different thing. It is a motive, an emotion, an impetus within a person. Of course, it might not be recognized, or that person's mind might interpret the emotion differently ... as fear, or excitement, or even as revulsion if the object of their attraction is somehow taboo for them. Homophobia being a prime example.

Generally, though, people recognize sexual attraction when they feel it.
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It might to helpful to remember that sexual attraction almost never leads to sex. People tend to discount and forget the times they are attracted to another person but it doesn't progress beyond a smile or some chat (the pheremones change, or the person is married, or the attraction was complicated by other sensations which weren't welcome, or there's all the sex they want already.)