NationStates Jolt Archive

Okay... I just love viola player jokes.

After a succesful concert a violin player decides to go dining with two viola players. In the restaurant he has the following conversation with the waiter:
"What would you like to have, sir?"
-I'll have a medium ox steak with red wine sauce
"Vegetables?"
The violin player thinks for a second and replies
- Oh, they'll have the same.

-----

Three friends are talking about their children. The first one says "My son, he became a doctor and is now incredibly rich. He even gave a Rolls Royce to one of his friends as birthday present" The second one nods and says "But that's nothing! My son, he became a lawyer and is now incredibly rich. He even gave a luxus apartment to one of his friends as a birthday present" The third one sighs and says "You are both very lucky. My son became a hairdresser after he told me he's gay. Well, ", he adds " at least his two boyfriends gave him a Rolls Royce and a luxus apartment as birthday presents."

I hope this one hasn't been done. I didn't read the whole thread. Found it on a joke site ages ago.

Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages....

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.
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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.
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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.
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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

Today, fathers are never truly appreciated.
Pretty good, but like most things that have changed, it's a mixed bag. Change is inevitable so you have two choices: you can help nudge change in the direction you want to see, or you can try to relax and enjoy the ride.

I don't know about that last one. My kids often come back and ask me, "How on earth can I make this ( insert some way our family grew up ) happen in my own family now?" I'd have to say that's a type of appreciation. :D

God, I love them all so much! :)

Darren is driving over the Sydney Harbour bridge when he sees his missus Sheryl about to leap off. He immediately stops the Holden and leans out the window:
"Sheryl, ya dozy sheila! What the Hell are ya doin'?"
"Darren, I found out last night that ya been rootin' me best mate, me sister and me mum, and this morning I went ta the doctors and found out I was pregnant! I can't take it anymore, ya don't love me so I'm gonna jump and end it all!"
Darren looks at her and says, "Jeez Sheryl, not only are ya a good root, but a good sport too!"

Darren is driving over the Sydney Harbour bridge when he sees his missus Sheryl about to leap off. He immediately stops the Holden and leans out the window:
"Sheryl, ya dozy sheila! What the Hell are ya doin'?"
"Darren, I found out last night that ya been rootin' me best mate, me sister and me mum, and this morning I went ta the doctors and found out I was pregnant! I can't take it anymore, ya don't love me so I'm gonna jump and end it all!"
Darren looks at her and says, "Jeez Sheryl, not only are ya a good root, but a good sport too!"
Jeeze! LOL! That's just ... um .... words fail me! :p

Jeeze! LOL! That's just ... um .... words fail me! :p
so, you don't like our aussi humour?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thguoht slpeling was ipmorantt

tihs is ginog eyrvhrwre, dman tohse btrasads at cmabrigde uinervtisy!

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A dumb blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!
She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"
The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"


Yeah, blonde jokes are over-rated. Hope you peps like them.

Three friends are talking about their children. The first one says "My son, he became a doctor and is now incredibly rich. He even gave a Rolls Royce to one of his friends as birthday present" The second one nods and says "But that's nothing! My son, he became a lawyer and is now incredibly rich. He even gave a luxus apartment to one of his friends as a birthday present" The third one sighs and says "You are both very lucky. My son became a hairdresser after he told me he's gay. Well, ", he adds " at least his two boyfriends gave him a Rolls Royce and a luxus apartment as birthday presents."
Hehehe! Talk about being stunned! :D

so, you don't like our aussi humour?
Don't be puttin' words in my mouth, mate! Didn't say that. :p

A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich by his side. The cat orders beers for all of them. After theyd all finished there beers the cat says to the man, "I'm not paying for all those" so the man forks out the money.
The next day the same thing happens again. The bartender asks the man
"Everyday you come in with a cat and an ostrich, where the hell did you pick up those two."
" Wel said the man,3 days ago a fairy came too me and gave me 3 wishes. my first wih was for all the money in the world.My second wish was for a huge house, and my final wish i kind of screwed up when I asked for a big bird with a tight pussy.

This is frakkin' HILARIOUS! :D

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

2 gays go too the theme park. One of them goes on the feris whell but the other is to scared. as the wheel turns round something snaps and it falls down. The grief stricken spectator searched though the rubble looking for his boyfriend. Finaly he finds him and asks him if hes hurt.
"Of course Im hurt" says the boyfriend " I went round twice and you only waved once"

Not had the pleasure of reading the whole thread, so ignore these if they've already come up. If not... enjoy! Oh and by the way I didn't make these, so don't blame me!

Mrs. Jones was worried; every sunday when she and Mr. Jones went to church Mr. Jones would fall asleep during the sermon. So one sunday she went to the Minister and told to him this predicament. The minister gave her a pin and said "If I see him falling asleep I'll make a gesture with my hands and you jab him with the pin.'
The next sunday, during the sermon, the minister noticed Mr. Jones nodding off, so he made the gesture with his hands and said "Who is our redeemer?" Mr. Jones lept up from his seat and yelled "JESUS" the minister smiled and continued. Mr. Jones stayed awake for quite a while, but sure enough he fell asleep again. Once more the minister made the motion with his hands and said "Who do we worship?" Mr. Jones screamed "GOD" and the minister settled into his normal speech.
The minister was getting caught up in his speech and did not notice Mr. Jones falling asleep again. He was getting over excited and without knowing had just made the gesture with his hands again "...and what did eve say to adam after she bore him his 9th son?"

Mr. Jones' eyes sprang open and he yelled:
"YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

----
>John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to
>spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer
>him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in
>the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
>
>John said that he would prefer the floor.
>
>The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a
>gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
>
>"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
>
>"I'm stupid," he said.

-----

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,

shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

---

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican to see the Pope.
When they get there they say to Dopey "go on... ask him, ask him..."

So Dopey goes up to the Pope and says: "Excuse me, do you know if there are any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The Pope looks and Dopey and replies that there are none,

so Dopeyreturns to the other six dwarves.
His friends start to poke him saying "Go on ask him, ask him!!!",

So once again Dopey goes up to the Pope and asks:
"OK, so are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
The Pope replies that he is unsure and so he gets on the phone and rings around asking his cardinals,
but returns shaking his head,

so Dopey goes back to the other six.
But when he gets to them they start heckling again saying "Go on ask him, ask him!"

So Dopey goes back to the Pope and asks:
"OK, look, are there any dwarf nuns in the world!"
Once again the Pope has no idea so he starts ringing around again.
A while later he returns and tells Dopey that there are no dwarf nuns in the world.

Dopey's mates crack up chanting...
"Dopey f**ked a penguin! Dopey f**ked a penguin!..."

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,

shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
ROFLMAO!!! Sounds like some NSers I know! :D

Two midgets went to a brothel. each selected a woman and went to neighboring rooms. The first midget, tho they tried, just couldn't perform... and to make matters worse, through the walls he could hear his friend "Here I come!" followed by Grunts and groans.

as they left, the first midget, embarrassed, confided in his friend what really happened in that room. despairing that he couldn't perform.

"hey, that's not so bad... me, all that time and I couldn't even get on the Damn bed!"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached t his crotch. The bartender asks him, "Uh...sir, you've got a steering wheel attached to your crotch..." The Pirate replies"Yaaar, it's drivin' me nuts!"

once there were two chinamen.




NOW look how many there are. :D

I just learned that dead baby jokes are baaaad in NS. Oopsie.

BLARRRGH! no one used me yet :(

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9576814&postcount=15

What's a ghost's favorite kind of pie?

Whatever kind of pie he liked before he died.

groan

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached t his crotch. The bartender asks him, "Uh...sir, you've got a steering wheel attached to your crotch..." The Pirate replies"Yaaar, it's drivin' me nuts!"
ROFLMAOWECADC!

ROFLMAOWECADC!???
ok, what's the "WECADC" part???

What do cows like to do on Friday nights?

Avoid being butchered for human consumption.

WECADC = While Eating Chips And Drinking Coke :p


A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, "I believe it's snowing".
"No, it looks to wet to be snow," he said.
The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us.
She said: "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

--------------------------------

Did you hear about the stupid plastic surgeon?
Yes. He stood in front of the fire and melted!

Doctor, Doctor! Everyone thinks I'm a liar!
Doctor: I don't believe you!

Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn't get wet! Why not?
Because it wasn't raining!

How can you get your name in lights the world over?
Change your name to Emergency Exit!

How do monkeys make toast?
Stick some bread under the gorilla!

How do witches tell the time?
With a witch-watch!

How do you start a polar-bear race?
Say 'Ready! Teddy! Go!'

How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney?
He uses a ladder in the stocking!

I say, I say, I say! My wife's gone to the West Indies!
Jamaica?
No. She was quite happy to go!

If I'm standing at the North Pole, facing the South Pole, and the East is on my left hand, what's on my right hand?
Fingers!

I'm letting my pet pig sleep on my bed!
What about the smell?
He'll just have to get used to it!

Waiter! Water! My Christmas pudding is off!
Waiter: Off? Where to?

What did the police do when the hares escaped from the zoo?
They combed the area!

What do you do if your dog has ticks?
Don't wind him up!

What do you get hanging from Father Christmas' roof?
Tired arms!

What do you get if you cross a cowboy with an octopus?
Billy the squid!

What do you get if you cross a gnome with a vampire?
A monster that sucks the blood out of your kneecaps!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
An alarm cluck!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an octopus, a sheep and a zebra?
A striped, woolly jumper with eight sleeves!

while driving home from a convention, a sales man sees a sign. "Sisters of Mercy Brothel - 5 Miles"

thinking he mis read the sign he continues on until he sees "Sisters of Mercy Brothel - 1 Mile"

Ok, now he's curious... at the next sign, he sees "Sisters of Mercy Brothel - Next Left."

so at the designated turn, he guides his car into a parking lot. going to the large building, he notices the sign "Sisters of Mercy"

Tapping on the door, a beautiful Nun opens and with a smile, becons him inside. He stammes about the signs on the road and the nun's smile gets wider. The Nun then produces a donation box and the man, now sweating, places a couple of large bills inside. with a smile, the nun then leads the man deeper into the building and they stop infront of a door, she indicates that he should enter.

Burning with lust, he quickly enters and finds himself outside the building as the door locks behind him. Turning around he sees the following sign on the door...

"Congratulations, you have just been royally screwed by the Sisters of Mercy. Have a nice day."

WECADC = While Eating Chips And Drinking Coke :p
oooh... Didn't leave too much of a mess I hope. :D

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They wait for the Democrats to do it, then they take the credit.

Two rookie Congressmen, one democrat and one republican, were walking along the street in D.C. They came upon a homeless man asleep on the sidewalk. The Republican woke him up, gave him $20 for something to eat and gave him a lead on where he might get a job. The Democrat was very impressed.

Later they came upon another homeless man. The democrat, not wanting to be outdone, reached into the republican’s pocket and took $50 and gave it to the homeless man and then told him where the welfare office was located.

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They wait for the Democrats to do it, then they take the credit.


I betcha that was the other way around, then u switched it.

Son: Mommy, mommy what's that?

Mom: That's where your father hit me with the axe.

Son: Pretty good shot hit you right in the ****!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


I have to get an operation later this week. I need a new bum mine has a crack in it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

I kille me!!!!

I betcha that was the other way around, then u switched it.

I actually just made that up. I do hope no one else has previously used it.

I actually just made that up. I do hope no one else has previously used it.


okay, fair enough

What do you get if you cross a whale with a bird that quacks?
Moby Duck!

What drink do frogs like best?
Croaker-cola!

What flower can you eat?
A cauli-flower!

What song did Cinderella sing as she waited four months for her photos to come back from the chemist?
'Some day my prints will come!'

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your television?
Time to get a new television!

What would you do if a rhino charged you?
Pay him!

What's the best way to catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a bush and make a sound like a carrot!

Where are the Andes?
On the end of the armies!

Which animal should you not play cards with?
A cheetah!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws.

Who wrote the book, The Awful Comedown?
Lucy Lastick!

Why can't a bike stand up by itself?
Because it's two-tyred!

Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck!

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch?
Because the referee whistled for a fowl!

Why do you call your dog Metal-worker?
Because every time he hears a knock he makes a bolt for the door.

Why was the Turkey in the pop group?
Because he was the only one with drum-sticks!

An australian wins a round the world cruise but unfortunately the cruise ship gets sunk in a tornado. The only survivor, clinging onto a bit of driftwood, he gets washed up on a small tropical island beach.
A quick explore of the island and he finds that apart from him, the only living inhabitants are a sheep and a fierce looking dog.
He tries to resist his natural urges, but after about half an hour, he tries to shag the sheep but every time he drops his trousers and approaches the sheep the dog bites him on the arse.
He tries everything, throwing a stick in one direction but the dog is too quick,getting the stick and running back before his trousers are down, he even tries tying the dog to a tree with a vine but the dog bites through it and always bites him on the bum before he can satisfy himself.
After about two weeks, on the horizon he sees a ship go past, hit a rock and sink. He swims out to see if he can salvage anything and manages to save the life of the only survivor. He brings the survivor back to shore and finds that she is the most beautiful girl he has ever seen, blond, petite, large firm breasts, a small but pert backside and beautiful deep blue eyes.
He gives her the kiss of life and she finally comes round.
She looks deep into his eyes and says
"Thanks for saving my life, I'm so grateful I'll do anything you ask of me, absolutely anything" in a deep husky voice.
Realising his prayers have been answered he replies,
"Thanks love, you wouldn't mind taking my dog for a walk for half an hour or so would you?"

Q. How many dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Negative 5.

Q. How many Democratic senators does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. We should take a Democratic Party agenda survey to find out whether or not we should screw in the lightbulb in the first place.

Theres a black kid, a white kid, and an asian kid in a First Grade class. Who has the biggest penis and why?

The black kid because he's 18.

Who has the smallest penis and why?

The asian kid because he's 2 years old.

Henry's at the Hospital to pick up his wife's test results. The Doc comes in looking really embarrassed:
"Ahh...ummm...Don't really know how to say this, but we've mixed up your wife's results with some other woman's. Unfortunately, due to cut-backs, it's too expensive to run another set of tests."
Henry's shocked,"So what CAN you tell me?"
"Well, we've narrowed it down to one of two things: Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
Henry's livid by this stage, "So what the hell am I meant to do now!"
"Well, we had a chat about this just before and the only solution we can come up with is: This weekend, take your wife for a big long drive out into the country and then leave her there. If she makes it home, for God's sake: DON'T FUCK HER."

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when it begins to smoke.
He pulls off the highway into a small town and pulls into a service station. He asks the attending mechanic to take a look. While the mechanic is checking out his car, the penguin decides to walk around the small town.
He spots an ice cream parlor, and being a penguin, decides to enjoy some ice cream. He orders the biggest bowl of vanilla ice cream in the place and, having no arms, only fins, proceeds to get the ice cream all over his face and chest.
After finishing up, he proceeds back to the station, where the mechanic is up under the hood of his car. He calls out to the mechanic, who looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin replies "No, no, it's only ice cream."

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?"
The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."
The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?" The guy responds "Every morning." The doctor asks, "Then what?"
"Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk."
The doctor, again taken back asks, "You do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "Every afternoon." The doctors asks, "Then what?"
Our hero then says, "Then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep."
The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "You do that every night?" The guy responds "Every night." The doctors asks, "So what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I jerk off."

A guy decides that he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me." "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. $2000. He says. "I can't afford that." "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $200, just make an offer." The guy offers $200 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "pssst," And motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..." "What?" says the guy. "What?" "Well," the parrot says, when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down..." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantically irritated guy.

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "My d*ck got hard and I fell off my perch."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." The bear thinks for a minute, then replies, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarone wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

how many dyslexics does it take to screw in a lihgtblub?

whats the difference between a crappy football player and a guy wearing leather straps?

ones a dinky kick........

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
say
in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you
tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old
guy
handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room.
As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a
crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem
further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
:fluffle:

http://www.ozyandmillie.org/2005/om20050930.gif

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
say
in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
.................

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
:fluffle:

is this a true story?

Ok, many will find this disgusting.. Because it is. Oh well, here goes.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can masturbate while looking into its eyes.

(Don't shoot the messenger!)
Okay jokes are one thing but tasteless crap like that is not funny!

Hehehe! I like that one! :D
LOL! You would you dirty old man! LOL!
:D

Read also as a response from Omega the Black!

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?"
The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."
The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?" The guy responds "Every morning." The doctor asks, "Then what?"
"Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001,
Looked it up and that would be Stephanie Heinrich: http://www.playboy.co.uk/page/plamates00free/0,,11569~684952,00.html

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models".
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"
The clerk responds, Yes, we do."
The poor old lady replies,"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

Norman and his blonde wife live in Carlisle. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to
have 2 to 3 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer
says,"We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get
through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 6 to 8 inches of snow today. You must
park.......... "then the electric goes off. Norman's wife is very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snowplough can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in
the garage this time?"

pure class! :D

A man called Henry looks at a car and says "Thats a nice car" so he buys it, and drives it, and lives in it, and loves in it. And when it gets rusty he sells it.

Guess its my turn, so here I go.....


There were three men on an Airplane. The Pilot, the Smartest Man Alive, a Preacher, and a Boy Scout. There were only three parachute packs on the plane, however.

Suddenly, the plane started going down.

The Pilot said: "I'm the first most important person on this plane!"
He got a parachute, and jumped out.

The Smartest Man Alive said: "I'm the second most important person on this plane!"
He got a pack, and jumped out.

So the Preacher turned to the Boy scout, and said: "I have lived my life to the fullest. I have enjoyed it greatly. I know where I'm going, so take the last parachute pack. Your life has just only begun."

The Boy Scout turned to the Preacher with a happy face: "No need to do that, father. The Smartest man alive took my backpack!"

-----------------------

Hope that was good, I'll think of some more laterz...

Guess its my turn, so here I go.....


There were three men on an Airplane. The Pilot, the Smartest Man Alive, a Preacher, and a Boy Scout. There were only three parachute packs on the plane, however.

Suddenly, the plane started going down.

The Pilot said: "I'm the first most important person on this plane!"
He got a parachute, and jumped out.

The Smartest Man Alive said: "I'm the second most important person on this plane!"
He got a pack, and jumped out.

So the Preacher turned to the Boy scout, and said: "I have lived my life to the fullest. I have enjoyed it greatly. I know where I'm going, so take the last parachute pack. Your life has just only begun."

The Boy Scout turned to the Preacher with a happy face: "No need to do that, father. The Smartest man alive took my backpack!"

-----------------------

Hope that was good, I'll think of some more laterz...

It's funnier when you use someone shit as the 'smartest man alive'. It's like you've provided a generic script for a joke that's funny when you use real people.

Guess its my turn, so here I go.....


There were three men on an Airplane. The Pilot, the Smartest Man Alive, a Preacher, and a Boy Scout. There were only three parachute packs on the plane, however.

Suddenly, the plane started going down.

The Pilot said: "I'm the first most important person on this plane!"
He got a parachute, and jumped out.

The Smartest Man Alive said: "I'm the second most important person on this plane!"
He got a pack, and jumped out.

So the Preacher turned to the Boy scout, and said: "I have lived my life to the fullest. I have enjoyed it greatly. I know where I'm going, so take the last parachute pack. Your life has just only begun."

The Boy Scout turned to the Preacher with a happy face: "No need to do that, father. The Smartest man alive took my backpack!"

-----------------------

Hope that was good, I'll think of some more laterz...

Thats like the one I used back on page 11, but with the UN Secretary General, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton(World's Smartest Woman), the Pope, and a little girl.

A man called Henry looks at a car and says "Thats a nice car" so he buys it, and drives it, and lives in it, and loves in it. And when it gets rusty he sells it.
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!





i don't get it :confused:

Thats like the one I used back on page 11, but with the UN Secretary General, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton(World's Smartest Woman), the Pope, and a little girl.

Sorry, I didn't see that one. Thats basically the only one I could think Of. I'm pretty sure there's another one, but its probably some other version of a joke here.

My bad.

Sorry, I didn't see that one. Thats basically the only one I could think Of. I'm pretty sure there's another one, but its probably some other version of a joke here.

My bad.

No problem. Just stating.

A couple of days after a huge party, three friends got together and started reminicing about the great party they went to. the first man said he was soo drunk, he got home and blew Chunks.

The second man commented that while that was bad, he was so drunk that he went to his neighbors house and when his keys didn't work, he pounded the door so long and loud that the police came and picked him up. The third man said that he was so drunk, after being dropped off at home, he staggered in the opposite direction and woke up in a park 10 blocks away.

the first man replied. "you don't understand... Chunks is my dog."

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks
the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models".
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk
that Vvviiiibbbrrraaatttteeesss?"
The clerk responds, Yes, we do."
The poor old lady replies,"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu knnnoooww hhhowww tttooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe fffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
ROFLMFAO!!! :D :D

Looked it up and that would be Stephanie Heinrich: http://www.playboy.co.uk/page/plamates00free/0,,11569~684952,00.html
Hmm. Not bad, not bad, but she would look hotter with black hair! :p

LOL! You would you dirty old man! LOL!
:D

Read also as a response from Omega the Black!
Well, I use to be a dirty young man, but I got older so draw your own frakkin' conclusions, twit! :D

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you
say
in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.

< snippage >

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
:fluffle:
LOL! That sounds like something I would do! :D

Three dyslesxic men walk into a bra.....

funny joke a friend emailed me

Noah And The New Ark

In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
the the Promised Land, the good old United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I
see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build
the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard .... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I
needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We
had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against
their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me
to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it!"

funny joke a friend emailed me

Noah And The New Ark

In the year 2004, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in
the the Promised Land, the good old United States, and said,
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated and I
see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a
few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build
the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard .... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I
needed a building permit. I've been
arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We
had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the
Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would
be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal
rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against
their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so
many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have
to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me
to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to
destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it!"


Ah. I love government jokes. Good job.

There are four people on an airplane. An old man, a Chinese man, a Texan, and a Mexican. The pilot says, "There are mountains ahead, and we're flying to low. Someone has to jump out, or we'll crash." The old man says, "I'm old, I have lived my life, I will jump," and he jumps. The pilot says, "
We're still to low, someone else has to jump out." the Chinese man says, "I will die for my country," and jumps. The pilot says, "We're still to low. One more person has to jump." The Texan says, "Remeber the Alamo!" and pushes the Mexican out.

i dont get it...... somebody start with the baby jokes again! lol :sniper:

For no explicable reason, Pope Benedict the 16th is hitch hiking down a highway he manages to hail down a trucker. The guy is shocked and obviously happy to give the Pope a ride. " Hop in the back there, Your Holiness," he says. The Pope does so and they set off.

After about an hour or so, the trucker spots another man on the side of the road. It's a lawyer. Instinctively, the trucker pushes down on the gas pedal and heads straight for the man.

Then the red mist in his eyes clears up and he thinks "What in the Sam Hill am I doing? I've got the Pope in the back of my truck! I can't run over this lawyer!"

At the last second he swerves, missing the lawyer by inches. He turns back to Pope Benedict and says " Sorry, Father, we almost ran over that lawyer."

Pope Benedict beams. " That's ok son. I got him with my door."

A bear was in the woods looking for some honey. He's reaching up into the trees, when suddenly another bear comes up behind him and starts trying to lick his arse.
"What the hell are you doing!" the first bear yells.
The anilingust* replies, "Sorry, but I ate a lawyer this morning and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."




*look it up - it's a real word!

Jake's out hunting when he spies a Black bear. Takes aim, has a shot and bam! the bear's down. As he's over collecting the carcass he feels a tap on his shoulder looks round and there's a huge grizzly bear towering over him. It growls at him and says:
"That bear you just shot was my cousin. You've got two choices: Either I kill you now or I fuck you hard".
Jake, understandably, doesn't want to die so grits his teeth and lets himself get seriously violated by the grizzly.
An hour later he staggers out, gets in his pick-up and heads home. He gets over the ordeal and a couple of months later decides to go hunting again. This time he sees a Brown bear. Jake sneaks up on it and bam! Another clean kill.
He feels a tap on his shoulder, and sure enough it's the same grizzly.
"That was my nephew. You got the same two choices: Death or fuck"
Again, Jake chooses the second option. This time the grizzly's really mean and it's two hours before he lets Jake go.
It takes months for Jake to get over it this time but eventually he does and decides to go off into the forest again. This time he spies a big Kodiak bear. He takes aim but just before he fires he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turns round and sure enough the same grizzly is standing there. It looks at him and says:
"Admit it Jake. You ain't coming here for the hunting, are you?"

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to make sure that everyrhing possible is being done, one to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.

Here's a Dirty Joke.
Bob fell in the mud on the way home. :D

Here's a Clean Joke.
Bob got home and got into his tub with Bubbles :)

Here's another Dirty Joke.
Bubbles is his neighbor's Wife. :eek:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*** do they want with a plasterer?"

two kids are in the same hospital room... both are looking scared, one turns to the other and asks, "What are you here for?"
"They're going to take out my tonsils." the other replies.
"Hey that's no sweat man." the first kid smiles. "They did that to me last year... they put you to sleep and when you wake up you get to eat a lot of Ice Cream."
The second Kid cheers up and turns to the first. "So what are you here for?"
"Circumcision" the first kid replies
"Oh Shit... I had that when I was a baby... man I couldn't walk till a year later!"

I have a bunch of great jokes, but most of 'em are dirty.

I have a bunch of great jokes, but most of 'em are dirty.clean em up as best as you can.

At a funeral for an elderly man. a concerned well wisher goes to the widow to express her condolences.

"how did he go?"
"we were making love and his heart gave away."
"Having sex at your age? no wonder he passed away."
"oh, no. we have sex every Sunday. You see, the church is close by. and the tempo of the church bells is at a perfect rhythem. In with the 'dings' out with the 'dongs'" She sniffs into her hankerchief "if that Damned Ice Cream truck didn't come up our street that day... He would still be here."

There were these three guys on a plane. The pilot told them, "Were too heavy! Each of you needs to throw something off!" The first man throws off a safe. The second man throws off a dog. The third man throws off a bomb. Later, the first man is walking home when he sees a little girl crying. He asks her, "What's the matter?" and she says, "A dog fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The secon man is walking home when he sees another little girl crying. He asks her, "What's the matter?" and she says, "A safe fell out of the sky and hit me on the head!" The third man is walking home when he sees a little boy laughing. He asks, "What's so funny?" and the boy says, "I farted and my house blew up!"


There were three Chinese guys who came to America and wanted to learn English. The first went to an opera and learned to say, "Me me me me." The second guy went to a resteraunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives." The third guy went to a candy store and learned to say, "Goody goody gumdrops! Goody goody gumdrops!". Then someone was murdered. The policeman asked who killed him. The first guy said, "Me me me me." The policeman asked how he killed him. The second guy said, "Forks and knives, forks and knives." The policeman said, "You're going to jail!" and the third guy said, "Goody goody gumdrops! Goody goody gumdrops!"


A man walks in to a bar. He says, "Get me an alligator sandwhich, and make it snappy!"


Three men are stranded on a cliff. Luckily, they find a genie who tell them to jump off the cliff and name something, and they will become that. The first man says, "Eagle!" and he becomes an eagle and flies away. The second man says, "Fish!" and he becomes a fish, lands in the river below, and swims away. The third man trips and swears, "S**t!" and becomes that.


There were three girls, named Shut Up, Your Manners, and S**t. S**t tripped and fell down, and Your Manners was helping her back up. Meanwhile, Shut Up had just met someone. He asked her name, and she said, "Shut Up." He asked her, "Where are your manners?" and she replied, "Over there picking up S**t."

George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and the Devil were on a plane together. Clinton said "I am going to make one person very happy," and he threw a bag of money out the window. Now Bush, not to be outdone by Clinton, said "I am going to make two people very happy," and he threw two bags of money out the window. Now the Devil stood up and proclamed, "I am going to make your entire country happy" and he threw Bush and Clinton out the window.

Two men walk in to a bar. The third one sees it and ducks.

This comic makes me laugh every time:

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/083104/use-keys-to-open-doors.gif

Be sure to check out the whole toothpaste for dinner website; it's got some great stuff on it

This comic makes me laugh every time:

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/083104/use-keys-to-open-doors.gif

Be sure to check out the whole toothpaste for dinner website; it's got some great stuff on it
Dude! WTF, over? :confused:

where all the jokes go??:(

Start em up again! :mad:



Please...:)

where all the jokes go??:(

Start em up again! :mad:

Please...:)
I agree. With as much as I hurt right now, I really need something to laugh at. Sigh.

I don't know if you'll find this funny or just horrifying, but it's from comedian Jim Norton's blog, I Stink. Personally I found it laugh out loud funny, but Norton and I both have a sick sense of humor.



One major problem I have with most comedy writing is the obsession to make the characters likeable. It’s not the ‘likeable’ part I hate, it’s the common, faggoty interpretation of what likeable is. On most shows it means you do a little good natured ribbing, get a scolding and finally learn a lesson at the end of the episode. It’s this unspoken rule in Hollywood that has hindered the creation of my own sitcom, which has been ready for production since 2000. The working title of my show is Yuck Mouth and revolves around the trials and tribulations of Terry, a male nurse whose spaghetti obsession causes his mouth to constantly be filled with the bile brought up from acid reflux burps. Terry is the everyman; 6’8, 400 lbs and trying to re-acclimate into society after doing 17 years for a string of robbery/rapes. The potential for merriment is virtually endless. The pilot begins with Terry’s release from prison. He walks out into a sunlit afternoon, throws his arms open to breathe in the fresh air, then promptly trips and falls down (to add to the humor, sound effect will be used; you will hear a loud BOING every time Terry takes a tumble or induces a miscarriage with a battering ram). Due to physical restraints, I obviously will not be playing the lead. In addition to being very large, Terry has a beard which he keeps to hide the eczema that covers half his face and 80% of his torso. He habitually bites his fingernails down to the soft pink skin, so he has to scratch his itchy beard with pens, car keys and butter knives. There is a very funny and surprisingly touching scene in episode 3 when Terry is having breakfast at a roadside diner called Hitler’s Eats. The meal is a substantial one; two sow belly omelets with a turnip juice chaser and a bedpan full of low-fat grits. He is trying to flirt with the waitress while unconsciously scraping a fork back and forth through his beard. She notices the skin flakes covering the counter top and quips, “Ya autta scrape yer face over a baggie, we could cut it with baby powdah and sell it to the Mexicans”. Terry pounds his fists onto the counter top as he howls with laughter. The waitress (whose name, according to the tag on her uniform, is Mildred Jawcancer), curiously studies this large, jovial man who sports dandruff in his beard and bloody diapers hanging from his coat pocket. In mid-laugh he bursts into tears over his condition and we are left to ponder this man’s agony as he weeps softly into his grits while Mildred cleans the counter with a Dust Buster. I have two possible endings for this episode; in the first, they become involved in a short term relationship. Her 11 children have taken to Terry after only one brief, alcohol fueled molestation. They want him to move in, but idea of an ‘instant family’ scares him after so many years alone in prison. Instead of facing his fear, Terry bakes them a chocolate cake laced with rat poison and hops a midnight bus to Shreveport. Most people who read this felt depressed by it and much preferred the alternate ending which had Terry and Mildred breaking down on the highway. He tells her to check the engine while he stays in the truck and masturbates to Japanamation photos he carries in his wallet. Suddenly there is an explosion, and Mildred is horribly disfigured with 3rd degree burns over 98% of her head and face. Seeing her smoldering with no hair or eye lids, Terry mumbles, “Yuck” and attempts to hitch a ride to Beverly Hills where he feels he’ll fit in. Due to a series of wacky events and misidentifications, Terry becomes the mayor of Beverly Hills and proceeds to wreak havoc. He tries to get a bunch of nutty laws passed, such as Mandatory Blowjob Tuesdays and having all non-whites summarily executed. The Beverly Hills scenes very well may need to be rewritten, as networks have historically been squeamish about genocide humor in sitcoms.

Not if that's how you're going to ask.

Jeff VanderMeer:

There once was a cage in an empty room. A soft, soft sound like weeping came from the cage. After a time, a man entered the room. He was gray and sad. He held a small animal by the ears. It was battling to escape. The cage grew silent. The man approached the cage. He pulled the cage door open, threw in the animal, and slammed the door shut. As the man watched, the animal screamed, its paws sliding off the bars. A wound appeared in its left leg. A wound appeared in its left shoulder. Slowly, the animal was eaten alive until it was just a pile of bone and blood. The weeping became relentless. Everything the man placed within the cage died. Every time, the man felt a corresponding thrill of delight. But eventually the thrill died too. It became ordinary, something he had to do. Would it ever stop? He could not decide. One day, he grew so bored that he opened the cage to let the nothing out. He expected it would kill him, but it did not. It let him live. It followed him everywhere. Over time, it killed everything he held dear, weeping the entire time. When nothing was left to care about, it abandoned the man. The man sat in his room with the empty cage and made the weeping sound the cage had once made.

Jeff VanderMeer:

There once was a cage in an empty room. A soft, soft sound like weeping came from the cage. After a time, a man entered the room. He was gray and sad. He held a small animal by the ears. It was battling to escape. The cage grew silent. The man approached the cage. He pulled the cage door open, threw in the animal, and slammed the door shut. As the man watched, the animal screamed, its paws sliding off the bars. A wound appeared in its left leg. A wound appeared in its left shoulder. Slowly, the animal was eaten alive until it was just a pile of bone and blood. The weeping became relentless. Everything the man placed within the cage died. Every time, the man felt a corresponding thrill of delight. But eventually the thrill died too. It became ordinary, something he had to do. Would it ever stop? He could not decide. One day, he grew so bored that he opened the cage to let the nothing out. He expected it would kill him, but it did not. It let him live. It followed him everywhere. Over time, it killed everything he held dear, weeping the entire time. When nothing was left to care about, it abandoned the man. The man sat in his room with the empty cage and made the weeping sound the cage had once made.
I don't get it. So what's the punch line?

Jeff VanderMeer:

There once was a cage in an empty room. A soft, soft sound like weeping came from the cage. After a time, a man entered the room. He was gray and sad. He held a small animal by the ears. It was battling to escape. The cage grew silent. The man approached the cage. He pulled the cage door open, threw in the animal, and slammed the door shut. As the man watched, the animal screamed, its paws sliding off the bars. A wound appeared in its left leg. A wound appeared in its left shoulder. Slowly, the animal was eaten alive until it was just a pile of bone and blood. The weeping became relentless. Everything the man placed within the cage died. Every time, the man felt a corresponding thrill of delight. But eventually the thrill died too. It became ordinary, something he had to do. Would it ever stop? He could not decide. One day, he grew so bored that he opened the cage to let the nothing out. He expected it would kill him, but it did not. It let him live. It followed him everywhere. Over time, it killed everything he held dear, weeping the entire time. When nothing was left to care about, it abandoned the man. The man sat in his room with the empty cage and made the weeping sound the cage had once made.

Wha? I thought this was meant to be the jokes thread, not the spooky tragedy/horror thread. Or is this some example of complex, post-modernist humour that I'm too Philistinic to understand?

starting up the sick baby jokes - punchlines hidden and foil wrapped for extra funnynyness

whats worse than a pile of dead babies

a pile of dead babies with a live on at the bottom



whats worse than a pile of dead babies with a live one at the bottom.

a plie of dead babies with a live one at the bottom eating it's way out.

on a note - where are sven and lars :(

Jeff VanderMeer:

There once was a cage in an empty room. A soft, soft sound like weeping came from the cage. After a time, a man entered the room. He was gray and sad. He held a small animal by the ears. It was battling to escape. The cage grew silent. The man approached the cage. He pulled the cage door open, threw in the animal, and slammed the door shut. As the man watched, the animal screamed, its paws sliding off the bars. A wound appeared in its left leg. A wound appeared in its left shoulder. Slowly, the animal was eaten alive until it was just a pile of bone and blood. The weeping became relentless. Everything the man placed within the cage died. Every time, the man felt a corresponding thrill of delight. But eventually the thrill died too. It became ordinary, something he had to do. Would it ever stop? He could not decide. One day, he grew so bored that he opened the cage to let the nothing out. He expected it would kill him, but it did not. It let him live. It followed him everywhere. Over time, it killed everything he held dear, weeping the entire time. When nothing was left to care about, it abandoned the man. The man sat in his room with the empty cage and made the weeping sound the cage had once made.

That's not funny at all. It's fucking depressing.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them

a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face"

This one's probably already been done, but oh well - the horse one brought it to mind:

A panda walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says "I'll have a gin................................................................................................. .................................................................................................... .................................................................................................... ................................................................................... and tonic please" and the barman says "Why the long pause?"


Geddit? Pause/paws? Yeh, you know you love it really :p

Why did the hooker ask her doctor not to sew up her appendectomy?

She wanted to make a little money on the side.

Ok, but it's no worse than the panda one.

Ah the panda ones a classic - you love it really :D

Ok, this is funny. I promise. It's also by Jim Norton.

COUCH POTATER

As many of you know there has been a story about a 600 pound woman who laid on her couch so long her skin became grafted to it. I read today that she was 4’10”, which is approximately 45 feet shorter than she should be to maintain that weight. Apparently she was having trouble breathing and her quick thinking husband called the paramedics. She’s lucky I wasn’t her husband or the call would have went like this:
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My wife can’t breathe”
“Is something blocking her airways sir?”
“Yes, the piece of electrical cord I wrapped around her fat neck”
“Can you repeat that please, sir?”
“You heard me, toots. I have one foot on her chest and the other one on her face and I’m pulling this cord so hard I think I shit my pants.”
“Sir, can you sit her in the upright position?”
“That’s a negative. The last time she sat up was in Feb of ‘98. UPS delivered a large box and she bolted upright in a panic thinking it was exercise equipment. Turns out it was just a pair of pants she ordered from a clothing wholesaler in Indiana who specializes in making casual slacks for wooly mammoths.”
“Sir, I understand you’re upset but it’s imperative you adjust her to be in the sitting position”
“I’d love to oblige but you see, her being unable to sit up is part of the problem. One night after polishing off an elk for dinner she said she had a headache and wanted to lay down. So she stretches out on the couch and she hasn’t been up since. That was 6 years ago. And the excuses are endless; everything from, ‘I’ll try tomorrow, two horseflies were fucking on the bridge of my nose and swatting at them really tuckered me out’ to ‘American Idol is starting, I’ll get up as soon as the season is over’”
“I’ll send the paramedics immediately sir, what’s your address?”
“She’s been laying here so goddamn long her skin has grafted itself to the couch. Paramedics won’t do any good, send an upholsterer.”
“I’m sorry, sir, did you say she grafted herself to the couch?”
“Yes, Ma’am, just like a fucking comic book character. Stan Lee couldn’t have come up with something this awful if he stuck Mama Cass in a laboratory with a sofa and exposed them both to gamma radiation. And the worst part is she’s sitting on the remote. I’ve had 6 years of the Home Shopping Network and I can’t take it anymore. I own 3,700 gold plated hoop earrings, 30 Ben Franklin commemorative toilet seat covers and over 45,000 baseball cards worth a grand total of $11. We had the Presidential dish collection but she got hungry and ate all the ones up to Eisenhower.”
“Try to remain calm, we’ve traced the call and help is on the way.”
“Help?? Where the fucks were you five years ago? You don’t seem to understand how embarrassing it is to invite your buddies over to watch the ballgame and have to explain why you all have to sit on the floor because your couch is occupied by a giant sea tortoise who may or may not shit into a frying pan.”
“The ambulance is almost there, sir, and I need you to remain calm and not get agitated.”
“Hell, maybe it’s my fault, too. The first 2 years her just being on the couch was just kind of a running joke, we had fun with it. We'd play hide seek and I'd pretend not to know where she was. And every year around Christmas we'd drape lights all over her and get our pictures in the local paper. I started to get concerned when our pets began disappearing and by the end of the 3rd year I was plum disgusted and I think she could sense it. To keep my pitching arm in shape I’d stand 10 feet away, wind up and fire HO HOs into her mouth. I’d come home from work and tell her what block I was on when I started to smell her. Nothing got her moving. I knew all hope was lost in 2002 when I ran in screaming, ‘FIRE’ and instead of trying to get up she asked for marshmallows and a stick.”
“Just hang tight, sir, they’re pulling up to your house now.”
“No need to, she’s dead. You better get back on that radio and tell the boys to bring wall cutting saws, a flatbed truck and a can of Lysol the size of the Chrysler Building. And when the police show up I’ll just put on a bright orange hat and tell them it was a hunting accident. Now maybe I can finally take all the money I was spending on her food and get a few things I need like new sneakers and a Lamborghini.”

In actuality the police and fireman spent hours trying to pry this monstrosity off the couch and were unable to. I wish I could sit down with her husband and ask all of the burning questions such as, ‘What was running through your mind every time you brought a meal into the living room for this monolith?’, ‘Did the kids think it was odd that mommy made doody and pee pee on the couch and still yelled at them to take their feet off the table?’ and most importantly, ‘Did you avoid fucking her because you were afraid that if you knocked her up she’d give birth to an ottoman?’

Morbidly obese woman seeks morbidly obese gentleman for friendship and geometrically impossible attempts at intercourse. Must enjoy strenuous activities such as breathing, shoe tying and taking long, romantic walks to the kitchen. I love dogs and horses as well as traditional luncheon meats. My favorite films are Shallow Hal and anything starring Marlon Brando after 1980. You must be sincere, intelligent and adept at barnacle removal

I am SO not laughing! :rolleyes: :headbang:

Lol, ok you win - that is pretty frikkin hilarious :D

What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell, she's got a grenade in her mouth.

What is purple and makes every woman cry?

A strangled baby

(Answer hidden, might be offensive)

2 men die and go to heaven. When they get up there St Peter greets them and congratulates them on leading such noble lives. After this he informs them that there is only one rule in heaven- you can't step on any of the ducks. The 2 men are naturally a little confused but don't really mind, whenever they see a duck in heaven (and there are a lot) they make sure that they be extra careful around it. However, one day one of the men accidentally steps on a duck. St Pete instantly pops up and says "You have broken the only rule in heaven. For this you will be handcuffed to the most hideous, annoying girl you can imagine for the rest of eternity" and instantly it happens.
Several Millenia later the other man has still not stepped on a duck. St Peter comes up to him and says "You're doing really well at this 'not stepping on a duck' thing, I've got a reward for you" and instantly a gorgeous woman appears handcuffed to this man and St Peter disappears.
The man is staring at this woman, practically drooling, and she stares back at him with a look of horror and says "I can't believe I stood on that fucking duck"


Sorry.

This girl is poking a boy in front of her in class. She keeps poking him, and poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And poking him....and poking him. Finally the boy turns around and calls the girl a "purple feather" The teacher overhears him and says, "Why did you just say that?!" The boy replies, "She kept poking me with a stick, so I called her a purple feather." The teacher says, "Go to the office, now!!" So the boy goes to the office, and the principal asks, "why are you here?" The boy says, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office." The principal, outraged, replies, "Go home you're expelled!"

So the boy goes home. When he gets there his mom asks, "Why are you home so early?" The boy explains, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me." His mom slaps him and says, "Wait til' your father gets home! Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room. When his dad gets home, he asks,"Why are you in your room?" The boy replied, ""This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me here." The dad yells, "Get out of here, I'm disowning you!"

So the boy goes out onto the streets, and one day a police officer saw him. The officer asked, "Why are you out on the streets at this time of night?" The boy replies, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me." The police officer slaps handcuffs on him and says, "You're under arrest!"

At the court room, the judge asks,"Why are you here?" The boy replies, " this girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me, then I was arrested." The judge angrily says, "I sentence you to 35 years in prison."

So 35 years pass, and the boy becomes a man. One day on a street corner, the man sees on the other side of the street the girl who kept poking him, and poking him, and poking him. He angrily yelled out, "you kept poking me with a stick, and I called you a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me, then I was arrested, and then I was sentenced to 35 years in prison! I'm going to get you for this!" The man begins to run across the street without looking both ways, is hit by a truck, and dies.

The moral of this story: look both ways before you cross a street.

This girl is poking a boy in front of her in class. She keeps poking him, and poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And poking him....and poking him. Finally the boy turns around and calls the girl a "purple feather" The teacher overhears him and says, "Why did you just say that?!" The boy replies, "She kept poking me with a stick, so I called her a purple feather." The teacher says, "Go to the office, now!!" So the boy goes to the office, and the principal asks, "why are you here?" The boy says, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office." The principal, outraged, replies, "Go home you're expelled!"

So the boy goes home. When he gets there his mom asks, "Why are you home so early?" The boy explains, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me." His mom slaps him and says, "Wait til' your father gets home! Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room. When his dad gets home, he asks,"Why are you in your room?" The boy replied, ""This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me here." The dad yells, "Get out of here, I'm disowning you!"

So the boy goes out onto the streets, and one day a police officer saw him. The officer asked, "Why are you out on the streets at this time of night?" The boy replies, "This girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me." The police officer slaps handcuffs on him and says, "You're under arrest!"

At the court room, the judge asks,"Why are you here?" The boy replies, " this girl was poking me with a stick, and I called her a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me, then I was arrested." The judge angrily says, "I sentence you to 35 years in prison."

So 35 years pass, and the boy becomes a man. One day on a street corner, the man sees on the other side of the street the girl who kept poking him, and poking him, and poking him. He angrily yelled out, "you kept poking me with a stick, and I called you a purple feather, and the teacher sent me to the office, and then the principal expelled me, then mom slapped me and sent me to my room, and then my father disowned me, then I was arrested, and then I was sentenced to 35 years in prison! I'm going to get you for this!" The man begins to run across the street without looking both ways, is hit by a truck, and dies.

The moral of this story: look both ways before you cross a street.

But what is with the Purple Feather deal? :confused:

But what is with the Purple Feather deal? :confused:
Its supposed to be this: I build up on a story surrounding the purple feather incident, and then change the moral to have nothing to do with it.

Its supposed to be this: I build up on a story surrounding the purple feather incident, and then change the moral to have nothing to do with it.

i got that part, but...oh...forget it. :headbang: :) :D

Hope this one isn't already here. I couldn't be bothered searching 24 pages to find out :p.

CHILI COOK-OFF

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time of Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

The notes below are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light duct tape mobile, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event: - (Frank is Judge #3).

CHILI #1 - EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI .
Judge #1: -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2: -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.
Judge #3: -- (Frank) Holy s**t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.
Judge #1: -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2: -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3: -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI #3 - RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge #1: -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2: -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3: -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 - DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC.
Judge #1: -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2: -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge #3: -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER.
Judge #1: -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2: -- Chili using shredded beef could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3: -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f****d and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI #6 - PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY.
Judge #1: -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2: -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3: -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t on myself when I f****d and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

CHILI #7- CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI.
Judge #1: -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2: -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3: -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8 - KAREN'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI.
Judge #1: -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2: -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 f****d, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of him. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

:D Great! That one really made me laugh!

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal
optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been
worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so
completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"

"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then
turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking
heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump
off.

Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiousity got the better of him.
Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the
balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down
and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not?' So he
goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,#166# jumps off, and
whooooooooooooo, splat.

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're
drunk."

Beer Alert.......
Yesterday, a scientist for Health Canada suggested that,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at
their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes
men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints
of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that
100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making
sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when
wrong. No further testing is planned.

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of
Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and
ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
time."
The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."
The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it
there.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same
way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other
regulars noticed and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my
condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit
drinking."

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The
parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude
and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say
the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing
worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got
worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder
and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation,
Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few
moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there
was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he
might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly
opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped
out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm
sorry that I offended you with my language and my
actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor
to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at
the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to
ask what had changed him, when the parrot
continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Rangers vs SF

The Chief of Staff of the Army asked his Sergeant Major, who was both Ranger and Special Forces
qualified, which organization he would recommend to form a new anti-terrorist unit. The Sergeant
Major responded to the General's question with this parable: If there were a hijacked Boeing 747
being held by terrorists along with its passengers and crew and an anti-terrorist unit formed
either by the Rangers or the Special Forces was given a Rescue/Recovery Mission; what would you
expect to happen?

Ranger Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If the Rangers went in, they would send a Ranger company of 120 men
with standard army issue equipment.

Mission Preparation: The Ranger Company First Sergeant would conduct a Hair Cut and Boots Inspection.

Infiltration Technique: They would insist on double timing, in company formation, wearing their combat
equipment, and singing Jody cadence all the way to the site of the hijacked aircraft.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived, the Ranger company would establish their ORP, put
out security elements, conduct a leaders recon, reapply their face cammo, and conduct final
preparations for Actions on the OBJ.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would be completed within one hour; all of the
terrorists and most of the passengers would have been killed, the Rangers would have sustained
light casualties and the 747 would be worthless to anyone except a scrap dealer.

Special Forces Option

Forces/Equipment Committed: If Special Forces went in, they would send only a 12 man team (all SF
units are divisible by 12 for some arcane historical reason) however, due to the exotic nature of
their equipment the SF Team would cost the same amount to deploy as the Ranger Company.

Mission Preparation: The SF Team Sergeant would request relaxed grooming standards for the team.

Infiltration Technique: The team would insist on separate travel orders with Max Per Diem, and each
would get to the site of the hijacking by his own means. At least one third of the team would insist
on jumping in.

Actions in the Objective Area: Once they arrived , the SF Team would cache their military uniforms,
establish a Team Room, use their illegal Team Fund to stock the unauthorized Team Room Bar, check
out the situation by talking to the locals, and have a Team Meeting to discuss the merits of the
terrorists' cause.

Results of Operation: The Rescue/Recovery Operation would take two weeks to complete and by that
time all of the terrorists would have been killed, (and would have left signed confessions); the
passengers would be ruined psychologically for the remainder of their lives; and all of the women
passengers would be pregnant. The 747 would be essentially unharmed, the team would have taken no
casualties but would have used up, lost, or stolen all the "high speed" equipment issued to them.

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where t hey landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, its that any guy who can wrap his d*ck around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

I've posted this one before, but it's one of my favorites.
Memo to: Cavemates
From: Osama
Re: The Cave

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious.
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Please choose a time and day. That means you too Habib, no more hiding from responsibility.

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your camel in the background and making funny faces. Act like you have seen a
camera before. Just while we're taping. Thanks.

Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.

Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my
Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and the new guy Richard.

Thanks a million

Osama

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA nice, where'd you get it?

http://www.jokes.comsomething like that has so many awesome jokes

more jokes please, fellas. This page is great though...

The only joke I haven't gotten from here requires hand motions...

well is anyone else going to post some?

Survival tips for people in horror movies:

1. When everything's over and you seem to have killed the monster, don't check that it's really dead.

2. Should you discover that your house is built on or close to a cemetary, as once used for devilworship, had owners who have gone mad, commited suicide, died a horrible death, was a necrophiliac or summoned evil spirits in the basement - Move.

3. NEVER read loud from a book on summoning demons - not even for fun.

4. Never check the basement, especially not during a power-outage.

5. In case your kids start speaking in latin or some other language they do not know, or in a voice other than their own, shoot them straight away. It will save you many tears. NOTE: The kids might be hard to kill, be prepared for that.

6. If there are several of you, do NOT split up in pairs or walk off alone.

7. Don't follow your friends on a midnight-party in the desreted mansion of the city. Especially not if you're the only one single. If you're the funny guy in the group, you might as well write your will while giving them a ride.

8. Basic rule: Do not solve puzzles which opens the gates of hell.

9. Do not stand on top, beside, in front, behind, or anywhere near a grave, crypt, mausoleum, burial site or any other home of dead people.

10. If you hear a noise and discover it's the cat, run for your life.

11. Move immediatly if your blender starts turning on by itself.

12. Do not take, or borrow, stuff from dead people.

13. Do not play with deserted DNA-technology unless you know what you're doing.

14. If your friends suddenly start showing odd behaviour, such as a great appreciation for blood, red shining eyes, extreme hairgrowth etc. get as far away from them as possible.

15. Stay away from such places as Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermudatriangle and small places in Maine and/or Massachusetts.

16. Do not enter the abandoned house nearby to call a towtruck if you or one of your friends run out of gas in the middle of the night.

17. Be careful around strangers carrying the following things: chainsaw, hedge shears, electrical breadknives, lawnmowers, bunsenburners, cordless irons or a belonging of your deceased businesspartner.

18. Take great care when listening to the themetune, and above all, listen to the advice of the audience. They are much smarter than you.

19. Never, ever, EVER, try to communicate with a monster with the excuse "we can learn so much from it".

20. Do not play with dead animals or humans.

21. If you arrive at a deserted city, it most likely has a valid reason for being that way. Take a hint and leave.

22. If a meteor hits close to town, move away.

23. Remember that if you are hunted by something scary, your car won't start, or the engine will break.

24. If you escape to a close-by church and find it deserted, and an upside-down crucifix, leave as fst and silent as possible.

25. If you are one of the lucky few who make it - Don't sign up for a sequal. You'll die in the first ten minutes if you do.

26. If you land on a foreign planet and find some cool things looking like eggs, leave them be.

27. If a member of the crew of your ship realizes that there is a parasitic thing on his body (because he didn't follow rule #26), don't let him on the ship again.

28. If an alien is following you (due to you not following rule #26 and 27), it's not a good idea to start looking for a cat.

29. If you lose some pieces of your body throughout the movie, don't mourn. Instead replace them with chainsaws, harpoons, rifles etc.

30. DO NOT ENTER THE DARK ROOM.

First actress: "I'm tired! I didn't fall asleep until after three."

Second actress: "No wonder you're tired. Twice is usually all I need."

Likewise. Most of my jokes would get me banned. But I may still have one or two that won't have the angry, torch waving villagers protesting just outside my door. Like......

The following is *supposedly* an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle`s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed), or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let`s look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle`s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

A young, good looking, extremely wealthy, 35 year-old guy goes to his doctor for a physical. After his doctor checks him out and finds him in excellent health asks if there's anything he may have missed that's bothering him. The man says everything is fine except for one problem. The doctor asks, "What is it?"
The guy says, "Well, every day I wake up around 8am and my wife, a 21-year-old former Miss Brazil who is a gourmet chef and sexual dynamo, goes right under the covers and gives me the most fantastic blowjob in the world, after she finishes that I jump in the shower and she goes downstairs and makes a big beautiful breakfast, which we both eat, after which she insists that I make wild love to her on the kitchen floor before I go to the office."
The doctor, a bit taken back asks, "You do that every morning?" The guy responds "Every morning." The doctor asks, "Then what?"
"Well", the guy says, "I get to the office and my secretary, who is a 22-year-old beautiful blonde bombshell, and former Miss October 2001, follows me right into the office, gets under my desk and gives me a blowjob that rivals the ones my wife gives me. Then I head out for lunch, return around 2pm, at which time my secretary gathers two other secretaries from the office (both perfect 10s) and the four of us go at it for about two hours on the carpet in front of my desk."
The doctor, again taken back asks, "You do that every afternoon?" The guy responds "Every afternoon." The doctors asks, "Then what?"
Our hero then says, "Then I go home and my wife has a great big gourmet dinner ready for me, we eat and I take her and our 19-year-old Swedish maid upstairs and the three of us have about an hour-long orgy, then, I watch them go at it for another hour or so and then I go to sleep."
The doctor who's jaw is now on the floor, asks, "You do that every night?" The guy responds "Every night." The doctors asks, "So what's the problem!?!" The guy answers, "I get dizzy when I jerk off."

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. What did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I had an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and every night he came and screwed me."
"He sure did, lady," said the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A woman is in the delivery room in labor. One final push and the baby comes out. Above the baby's pitiful first cries, she hears the horrified gasps of the doctor and shrieks of the nurses. The baby is rushed away before she can see it. Later, a doctor comes in and says, "I'm afraid there's a...problem with your new son. It seems he was born without a body."

She stammers, "You mean..." "Yes," the doctor says, "he's just a head. But, on the bright side, he's a perfectly healthy and normal head."

The years pass by, and the mother takes to putting her son (now a teenaged head) on a table upstairs near the window so he can look out at the other children playing. One day, the phone rings. It's the hospital. A surgeon informs the woman that there has been a horrible accident, and a young man has been completely decapitated. There is a good chance that her son's head can be attached to the victim's body! She drops the phone, runs upstairs to where her son has rested most of his life and says, "Son! I have the most wonderful surprise for you!"
He says, “I hope it’s not another hat.”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter then she is!
I think I should be in the third grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office while Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test, and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal : "What is three times three?" Harry: "Nine."
Principal : "What is six times six?" Harry : "Thirty Six." and so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, "I think Harry can go to the third grade." Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Better let me ask him some questions too." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment answered, "Legs." Ms. Brooks : "What is in you pants that you have but I do not have?" Harry replied, "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks : "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."
Ms. Brooks: " What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Shake hands."
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Better put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong.”

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted. "To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me." "Of course," she smiled. "I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while." The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they
made it a regular occurrence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis. One day, the woman went to the bench, but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she
saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis! "What does SHE have that I don't?" She screeched. He looked up at her and smiled. "Parkinsons," he replied.

Last one for awhile.

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Myotisinia, great jokes man.

yea, these are very funny

ROFLMAO!

Dang, where'd you get those!?!those rock!

I got some

I'm trying to raise money for college, *pulls out gun and aims it at you* so give me your money.

Survival tips for people in horror movies:
<snip>
15. Stay away from such places as Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermudatriangle and small places in Maine and/or Massachusetts.



Uh-oh...
:eek: