NationStates Jolt Archive

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

A man walked into a bar. Some guys kicked the crap out of him

I'm not too good at this...

man walks into a bar - OUCH!

OK, here is one that i used to tell when I was a bar wench-- a little funny...


So, if the bird that is the symbol for thanksgiving is the turkey, and the bird that is the symbol for America is the eagle, and the bird that is the symbol for peace is the dove.... what is the bird that symbolizes love????????








The swallow.
:)

A man walked into a bar. Some guys kicked the crap out of him

I'm not too good at this...
We noticed. :rolleyes:

"Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?"
"Yes.... Here's a kite!"

Ok.. Perhaps I'm not much better.

OK, here is one that i used to tell when I was a bar wench-- a little funny...


So, if the bird that is the symbol for thanksgiving is the turkey, and the bird that is the symbol for America is the eagle, and the bird that is the symbol for peace is the dove.... what is the bird that symbolizes love????????

The swallow.
:)
Hehehe! I like that one! :D

doctor doctor i think im a pair of curtains!


pull yourself together!

doctor doctor i think im a pair of curtains!


pull yourself together!
Heh, 'Doctor Doctor' is just brilliance.

Guy walks into a bar for a beer, and see's a horse tied up at the end of the bar. Around the horses neck is a sign. It reads "$50 to whoever can make me laugh" So the guys asks the barkeep if he can give it a try. "Sure" the bartender says!

So the guy walks over to the horse, and whispers something in his ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably, and the guy walks up to the barkeep, takes the $50 bucks outta the barkeeps hand and walks out, leaving the barkeep slackjawed and bewildered.

Next day the guy goes back to the bar, walks in, and there's the horse, still laughing uncontrollably. Around it's neck is another sign. It reads "$100 to whoever can get this horse to quit laughing". So the guy walks over to the horse, grabs the reins and leads it into the back room. 10 seconds later, he comes back out with the horse, and the horse is crying.

So he walks up to the barkeep to get his money, but the barkeep says " You want the money? You gotta tell me how you did it!"

So the guy says, "OK, yesterday I whispered in the horse ear that I had a bigger penis than him. He thought that was quite funny. Today, I showed him!"

whats worse than 10 babies in a bin?
1 baby in 10 bins

whats funnier than a man stapled to a tree?
a man stapled to a tree in a clown suit

whats white and cant climb trees?
a fridge (refrigerator for you americans)

whats wrong with putting 4 iraquis in a minivan and driving it off a cliff?
you can fit more than 4 iraquis in a mini-van


i have more somewhere *searches around*

"Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?"
"Yes.... Here's a kite!"

Ok.. Perhaps I'm not much better.
Yeah ... perhaps. Heh! :D

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."


And for the sickly minded people I know are lurking around out there:
What do you call a baby pinned to a wall? Art.

doctor doctor i think im a pair of curtains!

pull yourself together!
Groan! :D

So, a neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Oh God. I'm quickly becoming sorry I started this thread! LOL! :D

whats blue and orange and floats upside-down in a swimming pool?
a baby wearing arm-bands

a man walks into a bar, and makes a bet with the barkeeper. he says 'i bet you $1000 that i can piss into that bottle over there.', and the barkeeper says 'ok'

the man proceeds to piss all over the bar, drenching everyone in it. the barkeeper looks at him ecstatic 'you hit everything but the bottle!' and the man says 'yeah, here's your money'. the barkeeper looks at him again, and notices he doesnt look sad. he asks, and the man says 'i just bet those poker-players over there $2000 that i could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt mind!

Oh God. I'm quickly becoming sorry I started this thread! LOL! :D
Brilliance. Can't go past the scientific jokes, and theres plenty more where that one came from haha.

Hehehe! I like that one! :D

Thanks :D I'll try one more, then I gots to go do some work...


There was a group of three guys in a bar, whispering and huddled around their drinks. One of the guys gets up and walks over to the bartender. Obviously a little drunk, the man says to the barkeep "I bet you fifty dollars that I can roll and empty beer bottle down the bar and pee into it while its moving." THe bartender looked at him and laughed. "Alright, I'll take that bet.".....and oh, never mind someone beat me to it

There was a group of three guys in a bar, whispering and huddled around their drinks. One of the guys gets up and walks over to the bartender. Obviously a little drunk, the man says to the barkeep "I bet you fifty dollars that I can roll and empty beer bottle down the bar and pee into it while its moving." THe bartender looked at him and laughed. "Alright, I'll take that bet."

The bartender pulled out an empty beer bottle and put in on the bar, obviously knowing that there was no way the inbreiated man could possibly win. The guy unzips, starts the bottle rolling, and procedes to uncerimoniously piss all over the bar, behind the bar ad even manages to christen the bartender. When the bottle stops rolling, the man looks at the bartender, who was laughing. "Well now, that was a stupid bet. Give me my fifty dollars you stupid drunk man."

"I'm not the stupid one," said the drunk man, handing over the fifty dollars, "My friends over there bet me $200 that I couldn't get you to let me piss all over your bar."


:eek:
Lol. Theres a few variations I know to that one, but it's still pretty funny. Good stuff.



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Thanks :D I'll try one more, then I gots to go do some work...


There was a group of three guys in a bar, whispering and huddled around their drinks. One of the guys gets up and walks over to the bartender. Obviously a little drunk, the man says to the barkeep "I bet you fifty dollars that I can roll and empty beer bottle down the bar and pee into it while its moving." THe bartender looked at him and laughed. "Alright, I'll take that bet.".....and oh, never mind someone beat me to it

hey you stole my joke!

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA---- I LOVE THAT ONE! I tell it to my freshamn general chemistry class--- if they get it, it is a huge groan, if not that look at me like i am nuts.......

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

:D

hey you stole my joke!

I know, Im sorry-- 50 lashes with the wet noodle.....its a good jok

besides, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

two fish in a tank - one says to the other 'you man the gun, i'll drive'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA---- I LOVE THAT ONE! I tell it to my freshamn general chemistry class--- if they get it, it is a huge groan, if not that look at me like i am nuts.......
Lol. My chemistry teacher first introduced me to that. He also used to threaten to move me away from my friends by saying "I'll be splitting the atom soon!!!!"

whats small, pink and screams?

a peeled baby in a bucket of salt

two fish in a tank - one says to the other 'you man the gun, i'll drive'
Good one!

dyslexic man walks into a bra

maybe i shouldnt joke about dyslexics.....
the letters you get from em!

dwar nwe qennif
ouy veal us lysdexliacs aronee uyo winker!

A Texas joke shamelessly pilfered from the Texas regional forum...

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing
baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to
keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig
feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out
the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

dyslexic man walks into a bra
We having dyslexic jokes?

Dyslexic devil worshipper - he sold his soul to santa.

A bear and a rabbit was sitting together under a tree shitting in the woods.

The bear asks the rabbit "Hey, does your shit stick to your fur while your shitting"

The rabbits says no.

So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with it.

---------------------------

Three best friends we're sitting on top of a building, their construction workers working on an unfinished building sitting over a ledge having their lunch.

The first man opened his lunch box and said " Shit, my wife has been making me tuna sandwhiches for my entire life, If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll jump". The second man opened his lunch box, and said the same thing " If I get chicken again tomorrow, I'll jump". The third man opened his lunch box, and said the same thing as well " If I get vegemite, I'll jump".

THe next day came, and the three men we're sitting on the ledge again. THe first one opened his lunch box, saw what his wife made for him, He closed it, and jumped down. The second man opened his lunch box, screamed profanities and jumped as well. The third guy opened his lunch box, and followed his friends the fastest way down.

Because they we're such good friends, the bereaved wives held a triple funeral. The first wife lamented "If I only knew he didn't like Tuna". The second wife sobbed "If only he told me he didn't like my chicken".

The third wife cried the loudest "I don't know why he jumped, he always made his own lunch".

A man walked into a bar. Some guys kicked the crap out of him
{snip}
Without missing a beat the bartender redflagged them all.
"I told you to stop messing up my bar!" he bellowed.
"Next time use the bathroom."

hey you stole my joke!


your joke? :P you say that like you didn't steal it from the movie desperado and change the amount of money :p

*edit*
now let's see if i can spell your right.

and since i prolly should add a joke....

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

your joke? :P you say that like you didn't steal it from the movie desperado and change the amount of money :p

*edit*
now let's see if i can spell your right.


ahem, im 15 and have never seen the film. im also english.

Brilliance. Can't go past the scientific jokes, and theres plenty more where that one came from haha.
Send 'em! I like 'em. :)

Ok, many will find this disgusting.. Because it is. Oh well, here goes.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can masturbate while looking into its eyes.

(Don't shoot the messenger!)

Thanks :D I'll try one more, then I gots to go do some work...


There was a group of three guys in a bar, whispering and huddled around their drinks. One of the guys gets up and walks over to the bartender. Obviously a little drunk, the man says to the barkeep "I bet you fifty dollars that I can roll and empty beer bottle down the bar and pee into it while its moving." THe bartender looked at him and laughed. "Alright, I'll take that bet.".....and oh, never mind someone beat me to it
LOL! Glad I don't have the clean-up duty on that one! :eek:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA---- I LOVE THAT ONE! I tell it to my freshamn general chemistry class--- if they get it, it is a huge groan, if not that look at me like i am nuts.......
You teach chemistry to freshmen? Hell, you ARE nuts! Heh! :D

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

:D
Heh! There must be a thousand of those!

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes one hell of a lot of light bulbs! :D

ahem, im 15 and have never seen the film. im also english.

poor deprived child. english AND you haven't seen desperado (joking about the english part, don't really care whether you're english, indian, or african)

---

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

A Texas joke shamelessly pilfered from the Texas regional forum...

Texans in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on
the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their
robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing
baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to
keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig
feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my
children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute."
The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm
back. Now what was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said,
"I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out
the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
ROFLMAO! Heard one similar to that one about veterans! :D

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says




"Grandpa ,....... Go home, you're drunk."

The third wife cried the loudest "I don't know why he jumped, he always made his own lunch".
ROFLMAO!! :D

I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
LOL! Kewl! Sounds like my ex ... she's blonde too! :D

ROFLMAO! Heard one similar to that one about veterans! :D

Then maybe you'll like this one.

Texan in Hell

A Texan dies and goes to Hell. It's terribly hot, of course, and
everyone there is sweating and suffering. Except the Texan. He's
just laying back and smiling. "What's the matter?" says the Devil.
"Isn't is hot enough for you?" "Just like a spring day in Amarillo.
No problem!" replied the Texan.

The next day the Devil turned the heat way up. Everyone was really
suffering now. Except the Texan. Still smiling. "You mean it's
still not too hot for you?" asked the Devil. "Just like a summer day
in Laredo. No problem." said the Texan.

The next day the Devil decided to really fix him. So he turned the
temperature way down. It got very cold, started sleeting and snowing,
and icycles started forming. Everyone was freezing to death. Except
the Texan. "I don't get it." said the Devil. "Doesn't the cold
bother you either?" "The way I figure it," said the Texan, "the
Rangers must have won the pennant!"

"Grandpa ,....... Go home, you're drunk."
Bahahaha. That's awesome.

...

The next day the Devil decided to really fix him. So he turned the
temperature way down. It got very cold, started sleeting and snowing,
and icycles started forming. Everyone was freezing to death. Except
the Texan. "I don't get it." said the Devil. "Doesn't the cold
bother you either?" "The way I figure it," said the Texan, "the
Rangers must have won the pennant!"


ROFLMAO!!!!

Malcolm (just any other name) was visiting his grandma in the hospital in the emergency ward, his grandma had fell down and broke her hip.

After visiting her, he saw the bed beside hers in the same room, there was this chinese person, all bandaged up with tubes all coming out of him. And he looked like he was really suffering. So just for charity sake, Malcolm wanted to go there and just try and cheer him up.

Malcolm stepped over by the chinese persons bed, suddenly the chinese person started looking at Malcolm, with his eyes all wide open, and started saying some chinese words frantically. Because Malcolm didn't understand Chinese, he got a pen and paper immediately for the chinese person to write it down and immediately called the nurses. The Chinese guy started writing some chinese characters and then start waving his arms frantically and then soon passed out.

The nurses rushed in, and declared that the Chinese guy was finally dead. Malcolm felt sorry for the man, at least he managed to get down his last few words before he died probably to his family. He stayed in the hospital for the next few hours for the family of the chinese guy to arrive.

Then Malcolm passed them the paper in which the chinese guy wrote down, to the person who looks like his wife. The wife looked in confusion as she read the paper.

"Get off my farking air tube".

"Grandpa ,....... Go home, you're drunk."
LOL! :D

"The way I figure it," said the Texan, "the
Rangers must have won the pennant!"[/center]
Oh, groan! Heh! :p

"Get off my farking air tube".
LOL! That sort of thing has actually happened! :eek:

Redneck Palm Pilot:

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/5879/redneckpalmpilot2nq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Security System:


http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/9314/rednecksecuritysystem4aq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Security System:


http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/9314/rednecksecuritysystem4aq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Lemmie guess... your house? :p

What's the difference between a weasel and VD?




One's a cunning runt..

Great desktop photo

http://img351.imageshack.us/img351/5223/loot3df.jpg

Lemmie guess... your house? :p
ROFL! Nope. I just let 'em get real close ... so I won't miss! :D

What's the difference between a weasel and VD?

One's a cunning runt..
LOL! Ewwwwwwwww! :D

Difference between love and herpes?

Herpes is forever! :D

Redneck Woman:


http://img274.imageshack.us/img274/8056/redneckwoman2yd.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

You teach chemistry to freshmen? Hell, you ARE nuts! Heh! :D


Yeah, I know, only its college freshman so it is slightly better. Grad school requirements, have to be a TA--

Actually, all chemists are a little nuts-- sniffing too much solvent will do that to you, I guess...... :D

Redneck Security System:
http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/9314/rednecksecuritysystem4aq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Durn me sideways, that looks familliar.
It's not in South Jersey, USA, by any chance?

Edit: Maybe it's just popular. It's more the signs' construction, rather than the message, that I'm flashing on. I think. :confused:

ROFL! Nope. I just let 'em get real close ... so I won't miss! :D

LOL

I can almost see you on your roof in fatigues with a scoped rifle mumbling "I dare ya to try, you sons of bitches... I dare ya." :D

whats small, pink and screams?

a peeled baby in a bucket of salt
Not funny.

On the contrary, it's hilarious... if somewhat twisted :D

On the contrary, it's hilarious... if somewhat twisted :D

thank you!

So funnies is geezer slang for jokes? :p

Doctor: "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Patient: "What's the bad news?"
Doctor: "Well.... I have to amputate both your legs."
Patient: "Oh god no!"
Doctor: "But the good news is that I would like to buy your shoes!"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Two fish are sitting in a tank, one turns the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

Redneck SUV:


http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/3415/rednecksuv7gr.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Yacht:


http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/3342/redneckyacht3sw.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Actual (?) British Renters' Complaints

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked; where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers!

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night?

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.


Found these and a LOT more at: http://www.allowe.com

Redneck Motorhome:


http://img183.imageshack.us/img183/7305/redneckmotorhome3mg.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

LOL

I can almost see you on your roof in fatigues with a scoped rifle mumbling "I dare ya to try, you sons of bitches... I dare ya." :D
LOL! Actually, you're not TOO far off the mark! :D

up in a monestary, severl monks finished copying some manuscripts. one of the scribes tells the head monk, "Instead of each of us verifying the copies with other copies, why don't we pull the original tome out of the vault and verify these with that one.

the Head monk agrees and the scribe runs down to the vault.

Several hours go by... and the scribe failes to return. concerned, the Head Monk heads down. in the Vault he sees the scribe sitting on the floor, with the great tome opened infront of him and the scribe is bawling his eyes out.

"Brother, what is wrong?"

"The word is CELEBRATE!"

Renedk House Alarm:


http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/1894/redneckhousealarm8it.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Car Alarm:


http://img221.imageshack.us/img221/2356/redneckcaralarm5in.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Motorhome:


http://img183.imageshack.us/img183/7305/redneckmotorhome3mg.jpg (http://imageshack.us)
Dude, I want one....

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.
Pool table....

ahahahahahahaha :fluffle: ;)

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
--------------------------------------------
Things southerners know..

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish or collards greens make up a mess.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

The difference between Yankee's and damn Yankee's.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are.

Knows what, "Well I"ll suwannee" means.

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and trailer trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

We make friends standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines." And when we're in line, we talk to everybody.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin", you know you're in the presence of a genuine southerner.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 on the freeway - you just say, "Bless her heart" and go your way.

What's big, green, fuzzy, has four legs, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table.
Pool table? :D

How do you get a nun pregnant?
You fuck her.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

Why do all the girls love Jesus?
Because he was hung like this.

Ok, many will find this disgusting.. Because it is. Oh well, here goes.

Why do you put a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can masturbate while looking into its eyes.

(Don't shoot the messenger!)

Fantastic I'll put with my other favorites

Whats Hard and pink and makes women squeal uncontrollably all night?
Cot Death.

What is black and blue and shivers in the corner?
A Rape Victim.

Ok, an Irishman walks out of a bar.

What is black and blue and shivers in the corner?
A Rape Victim.
Ya know, I'm the kinda guy that will laugh at just about any joke, but that's just fuckin ignorant.

A few baby and elephant jokes.

Whats small and pink and taps on windows
Baby in a microwave.

What is Soft smooth and pink and goes up and down
Baby nailed to a lift (elavator).

What is hard slimy and brown and goes up and down
same baby a few months later

Small and pink and can't turn in corridors,
Baby with a javelin through its ead

Small blue and fits,
Epileptic baby

How do you know when you have passed an elephant,
Can't get the toilet seat down

what do you do if you see a heard of elephants coming at you,
swim for it. etc

One just for us britishes,
What type of key opens every type of lock?
A Pikey

Where does hilter keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

A Fundamentalist Blonde tried to blow up a bus in london
But she burned her lips on the exhaust

Why is American Beer like screwing in a punt
Because they are both fucking close to water

I ran over a squirrel and it looks really bad because, the other day... the neighbours saw me arguing with it

http://valuedan.keenspace.com/d/20041104.html

After a hard night of drinking, Shamus tries to get up from the bar only to fall flat on his face. "Man," he thinks to himself, "I must've had a bit too much o' the Guinness tonight. It's going to be hell with the missus if I can't get me legs back under me."

So he tries to stand up, and falls over again. In frustration, he crawls out the door, hails a cab from the ground, and crawls in.

When the cab reaches his house, Shamus feels himself clearing up a bit, but lo and behold, when he steps out of the cab, he falls flat on his face again. "Christ," he thinks to himself, "I must have had way too much tonight. My wife is going to have me head if I'm not quiet."

So he drags his drunken body to the door, quietly unlocks it, and crawls in. He then ever so quietly crawls up the stairs to his room. As he reaches his bed and hears the sound of his wife, he pivots himself up for one last attempt to stand. Unfortunately, he collapses smack into the pillow, and before he can even turn over has fallen fast asleep.

In the morning, he wakes up to find his formidable wife standing over him: "So, ye decided to go drinking last night, eh Shamus?"

Staring meekly back at her, he asks, "What might give ye that idea, honeybun?"

Undaunted, Honeybun fires back: "This morning the bar called and said ye left yer wheelchair there again, ye lout!"

after catholic mass, a man with crutches dipped his hand into the fountain and splashed the waters on his legs.... straigtening up, he threw his crutches aside.

a choir boy saw this and ran to get the Priest.

"You have surely witnessed a miricle. pray tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass by the holy water, Father."

and now for a poem from the master himself... Benny Hill

They said that it could not be done,
He said "Just let me try."
They said, "Other men have tried and failed,"
He answered, "But not I."
They said, "It is impossible,"
He said, "There's no such word."
He closed his mind, he closed his heart...
To everything he heard.

He said, "Within the heart of man,
There is a tiny seed.
It grows until it blossoms,
It's called the will to succeed.
Its roots are strength, its stem is hope,
Its petals inspiration,
Its thorns protect its strong green leaves,
With grim determination.

"Its stamens are its skills
Which help to shape each plan,
For there's nothing in the universe
Beyond the scope of man."
They thought that it could not be done,
Some even said they knew it,
But he faced up to what could not be done...









And he couldn't bloody do it!

A Jewish kid was being really badly behaved and kept getting expelled from schools (apologies if this has been done already). His parents were so exasperated that they eventually sent him to a Catholic school.
At the end of the day, he came back home, politely greeted his mummy and daddy, sat down and did his homework.
His parents were totally surprised at this, and asked him why he was behaving better.
He replied: "They mean business there, mummy! They've got a Jew nailed to a cross in every room!"
What is black and blue and shivers in the corner?
A Rape Victim. Don't get… I'll laugh at anything, but I don't get it.

Another Texas joke from the Texas forum...

A Texan dies and goes, of course, to Heaven. ;) He's not through the pearly gates more'n 10 minutes before he's comparing everything in the celestial realm to Texas, and, of course, Texas is coming out on top of the comparisons.

The clouds are fluffier in the panhandle. The music is better in Austin. The food's better in San Antonio. Nothing in Heaven seems to impress or even to please the guy. The entire population gets fed up with the guy constantly talking up Texas at the expense of Heaven, so a committee is formed and a petition is brought to St. Peter.

The committee explains the situation to St. Peter, who tries to talk to the Texan, get him to tone down his very vocal comments, but to no avail.

Final St. Peter takes it to the Throne, and asks God for advice. God suggests if the guy isn't pleased to be in Heaven, perhaps a glimpse of the "other place" might straighten him out.

St. Peter finds the Texan in one of the groves of heavenly trees, telling everybody how a nice stand of Pecan trees would look a touch better here. St. Peter goes over and says "Excuse me sir, but I've got something I'd like to show you."

The guy says "OK," and follows St. Peter out through the front gate.

As they approach the edge, St. Peter says, "I hear that you've been comparing everything in Heaven to Texas, and that by comparison, Heaven seems to be rather dull and monotonous to you."

The guy looks a bit sheepish. "Well now, I didn't rightly say that, and didn't mean no offense..."

St. Peter stops at the edge. "I understand, but in the event that you might be displeased with your eternal location, I just thought I might show you something. Take a look down there," and St. Peter points over the edge at the blazing inferno far far below.

The man leans forward a bit and peers down at the infinite fires of Hades. St. Peter notices that he gets a thoughtful look on his face, and seems to finally have seen something impressive. "So, what do you have to say about that?"

"Well, sir," the man looks over at St. Peter. "That's a mighty big fire." St. Peter smiles at the sound of contrition in the man's voice. "But," the Texan continued, "y'all shouldn't have any problem with that. We got a fella down in Houston that could put that out for you in a jiffy."

Redneck Limosine:


http://img35.imageshack.us/img35/3774/rednecklimosine4vo.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Jet Ski:


http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/9572/redneckjetski8mt.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Home Schoolin':


http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/8664/redneckhomeschoolin0hn.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Some engineer jokes, courtesy of AlphaGeek:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"



What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet

Redneck Pet Carrier:


http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/1497/redneckpetcarrier9ej.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Redneck Measuring Tape:


http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/2844/redneckmeasuringtape7vx.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Handicapped Redneck:


http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/9382/redneckhandicapped5va.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Ooooooo! I've got a joke!


Why did the Chicken cross the road? (highlight below for answer)


To fuck the Roosters brains out!

Some engineer jokes, courtesy of AlphaGeek:
LOL! Those are good! :D

I went to a Catholic gradeschool for 9 yrs and a Luteran College for 4 and a half so i find this joke really funny.....


Two lutheren guys were walking down the street when they came upon the local catholics having a huge potluck dinner with tons of free food and beer, of course, though, it was for "good catholics" only. The one guy nudged his buddy and said, "i bet i can go in there and convince them what a great catholic i am and get the food and beer..." The guy goes in, much laughing ensues and about half an hour later the guy comes back out with a big smile on his face.

"All you got to do," the giy says to his buddy who is starving at this point and could really ise a beer, "is go in there and convince them that you are a great catholic you are, you know, talk about church and good deeds and all." Well, this gave the buddy a great idea. He went into the Catholic potluck dinner. After aboout two mintues, he comes flying out of the dinner on his butt as three big catholic guys throw him out.

the guy gets up, dusts himself off as his buddy runs over. "What the hell happened? All you had to do was tell them what a great Catholic you were."

"I did," the guy said, still brushing the dust off his pants. "I told them that I was the best catholic beacause of my parents. I told them my daddy was a priest and my momma was a nun...."


He he he he
I guess it only makes sense if you know that there is a total lack of knowledge amoung most lutherans as to how the whole preisthood/sisterhood thing works....

Clips from some funny people in the business:

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
"You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope
not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!" -Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men
are just grateful. -Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And
she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Gary Shandling

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

...

Anyway: I think the funniest thing about this thread is that I read the title as "Post your furries here!"

Redneck Jet Ski:


http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/9572/redneckjetski8mt.jpg (http://imageshack.us)


Is that a moose?!!

Redneck Weather Station:


http://img362.imageshack.us/img362/5626/redneckweatherstation2ye.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris.
Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen
LOL! This one is my favorite! :D

Gotta look your best.
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=chewbaccarollers13ih.jpg


Kids are growing up too fast.
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cokehead14ea.jpg


Remember that TV show, the Jeffersons?
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jeffersons10sf.jpg


Gifted, special, what's the difference?
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=midvale12ft.jpg

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar.

Anyway: I think the funniest thing about this thread is that I read the title as "Post your furries here!"
ROFL! Yeah.

It's a good thing I took piano lessons as a child. Otherwise I would have said, "Huh?" :D

The Lone Ranger was riding alone on the prairie when he was captured by hotile natives. When he was brought before their chief, the chief said "So, you are the famous Lone Ranger. Well, you are a brave man, but now you are our prisoner. We will sacrifice you to the Great Spirits at our harvest festival in three days. Between now and then, you may have three wishes. What is your first wish?"
"I'd like to talk to my horse." said the Lone Ranger. So Silver is brought to him, he whispers something in the horse's ear, and Silver takes of like a shot. An hour later, he returns with a beautiful blonde on his back. The girl is taken to the Lone Ranger's tent, and they spend the night together. The next day, the Chief says. "That was very impressive, but we will still sacrifice you in two days. What is your second wish?"
"I'd like to talk to my horse again." was the reply.
Silver is again brought to the Lone Ranger, and again He whispers in the horse's ear and Silver runs off and is soon lost to sight. About an hour later, he returns carrying a brunette even more beautiful than the blonde had been. She is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent, and they spend the night together. The next day the Chief says to him. "Most impressive, you must be a truly great man to be so in tune with your horse. But that will not save you. We will sacrifice you tomorrow. What is your last wish?"
"I'd like to talk to my horse, ALONE." he said.
Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent and they are left alone. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by the ear and says "Listen very carefully this time. I want you to get me a posse! P-O-S-S-E!

Gotta look your best.
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=chewbaccarollers13ih.jpg

Kids are growing up too fast.
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=cokehead14ea.jpg

Remember that TV show, the Jeffersons?
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=jeffersons10sf.jpg

Gifted, special, what's the difference?
http://img357.imageshack.us/my.php?image=midvale12ft.jpg
ROFL! I like that last one best! :D

Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent and they are left alone. The Lone Ranger grabs the horse by the ear and says "Listen very carefully this time. I want you to get me a posse! P-O-S-S-E!

ROFLMAO!!!! GOOD ONE! :D

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were in a real fix! Surrounded by hostile Indians: a thousand to the North, a thousand to the East, a thousand to the South, and a thousand to the West.

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says, "Well, old friend, this looks like we're finally done for. It's been nice knowing you."

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "What you mean 'we,' white man?"

Anyway: I think the funniest thing about this thread is that I read the title as "Post your furries here!"

Strangely that got my attention too
*looks to left and pounces on a thread appearing in my peripheral vision*

Strangely that got my attention too
*looks to left and pounces on a thread appearing in my peripheral vision*
Heh! But wouldn't that mean that only females could post??? :D

Whats the difference between Ashlee Simpson and a bird?

A bird knows how to sing.

What do president bush and a car salesman have in common?

Everything.

A French man, and an American man are argueing when a genie appears and says they each can get one wish. The French man says, "I wish there is a giant 1,000 foot high, 500 foot thick unbreakable stone wall all around France so no one can possibly get in or out. The genie says, "Your wish is granted and a giant unbreakable wall appeared around France. The French man walked off satisfied. The American thought for a moment, then said to the genie, "Fill it with water."


An English man, an American man, and a French man were all enslaved and tired to escape, but were caught. The master, as punishment, told them they would each get 50 lashes. First he goes up to the French man and says, "You can have one wish." The French man requests a pillow, and it is tied to his back. The pillow lasts about 10 lashes, so the French man get forty that scar his back. Next, the master goes to the English man and says, "You get one wish." The English man requests a matress, and it is tied on. The matress lasts about 25 lashes, so the English man gets 25 lashes that scar his back. Last the master goes to the American man and says, "I like you, you get two wishes." The American thinks for a second then says, "I wish for 100 lashes." The master says to him, "You are very brave, now what is your second wish?" The American says, "And I want the Frenchman tied to my back."

good jokes. :D :mp5:

:mp5: :sniper: :mp5:
The Armed Republic Of Cruel Tyrany

Heh! But wouldn't that mean that only females could post??? :D
Rrrrt? This is a joke I'm not getting.

A French man, and an American man are argueing when a genie appears and says they each can get one wish. The French man says, "I wish there is a giant 1,000 foot high, 500 foot thick unbreakable stone wall all around France so no one can possibly get in or out. The genie says, "Your wish is granted and a giant unbreakable wall appeared around France. The French man walked off satisfied. The American thought for a moment, then said to the genie, "Fill it with water."
Way I heard this, it was an Arab and a Jew, talking about Syria or Egypt.

A deaf couple get married, and on their wedding night they discover a communication problem. In the dark they can't see each other sign. The wife won't make love withthe lights on, so thay try to come up with another system. "I have an idea." she signs "at night, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast once. If you don't, squeeze my right breast once."
"Great idea, honey," signs her husband. "and if you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it fifty times."

Sooo funny!!!!! Blonde jokes-no offense!!

OK, three girls are stranded on an island, a brunnette, a blonde, and a black haired (right?). The brunette figures around 20 miles to land, so she swims 5 miles, get tired, swims another 5, then drowns. The black haired swims 10 miles, tires, then another 5 then drowns. The blonde, think they made it, swims 19 miles, gets tired, and swims back.
---
Three girls starnded in the desert. They find a genie lamp, each getting one wish. The brunette wishes to go home, as does the black haired. THe blonde says, "I miss my friends, bring them back."
---
20 people get one wish to themselves. The first 19 wish to be beautiful. The last guy, however, says, "Make them all ugly again."
---
You got an A. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...sry...

And these are my away messages-once again, NO OFFENSE!!

Try not to let your mind wander, it's to small to be on it's own.
By reading this, you have given me brief control of your mind.
Aurguing online is like winning the special Olympics: no matter what, your still retared. (Sorry...)
If it's not going to be on the test, I don't really care.
"Man, these circle of deaths are killing me!" My bro' in Europe.
"American Idle right now..." my bro's away message...one of them atleast.
"Deaf pride!What? What did you say, I can't hear you!!"Me.
It's all funny until someone gets hurt...then it's HILARIOUS.One day, I looked up at the sky...and I wondered...where the heck is my roof?Roses are red, violets are blue, most poems rhyme, but this one doesn't.he who laughs last thinks slowest.an apple a day keeps the doctor away...if its aimed right.a day without sunshine is like...night.give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach em to fish and he wont bother you
Wanna feel smart? Move your mouse all the way up and to the right, then down and left JUST A LITTLE!! then click. See this screen? Didn't work.

And a song from the Simpsons...
All hail the bus driver
bus driver
bus driver man
He drinks and he cusses
he stinks up the busses
oh all hail the bus driver
bus driver man



well?

Heh! But wouldn't that mean that only females could post??? :D

OT:

Only The Beaver types, (Funny I know lots of Felines, Squirrels, Foxs Rabbits etc never met a Furry Beaver (So to speak))

All I need to do is add feline and that'd be purrfect,
My Previous 4F's were Food, Flax Fir and Frigg,
No I suppose they'd be Free Female Furry Feline

Usually the four F's are what the hypothalamus regulates. As my psych professor said: "Feeding, fighting, fleeing and mating."

A deaf couple get married, and on their wedding night they discover a communication problem. In the dark they can't see each other sign. The wife won't make love withthe lights on, so thay try to come up with another system. "I have an idea." she signs "at night, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left breast once. If you don't, squeeze my right breast once."
"Great idea, honey," signs her husband. "and if you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it fifty times."
ROFLMFAO!!! :D

nice deaf couple joke

You have reached the Mental Health Hotline--

If you are obssesive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, & 6.
If you are delusional, please press 7 and your call will be redirected to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a small voice will tell you what number to press.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but please remain on the line while we trace your call.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, all of our operators are to busy to speak to you.

This is hilarious! :D

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

She's like a door knob. Everyone gets a turn.

http://img273.imageshack.us/img273/398/jehovaswitnesses1na.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Aaahahahahahahahaha! :D

http://img229.imageshack.us/img229/6977/humor27bd.gif
http://dura.cell.free.fr/home/images/maths.jpg
http://dura.cell.free.fr/home/images/sniper.jpg
http://img286.imageshack.us/img286/7715/thiefpunishment7rj.jpg
Fucking owned!

http://img260.imageshack.us/img260/943/406300878qcpbahfs6hu.jpg

Oh how TRUE it is! How true it is! :D


http://img298.imageshack.us/img298/6913/howtrueitis1el.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

A woman is walking along the beach when she finds a lamp in the sand. She picks the lamp up and starts to wipe off the sand. Then a genie pops out. The genie tells her that she may have three wishes, however what ever she wishes for her most hated enemy will also get, and he will get twice as much. So the woman then wishes for $1,000,000. The money suddenly appears at her feet and her most hated enemy finds himself suddenly $2,000,000 richer.
Then the woman wishes for a huge diamond ring. And moments later she has a beautiful ring on her finger and her most hated enemy is looking for a jewelry dealer. Then the woman thinks for a long time about her final wish. She then gets a great idea and tells the genie, " I wish to be scared 1/2 to death.

A man walks into a bar...

no, wait, two men walk into a bar...

no, wait, three men walk into a bar....

no, wait, a dozen men walk into a bar....

no, wait, a hundred men walk into a bar...

*pauses*

Ok, the entire population of a medium sized town in Wyoming walk into a bar.

The first guy says "Is it my round?"

What an idiot!

Heh! But wouldn't that mean that only females could post??? :D

Ahh, but not all women are furry...

Ahh, but not all women are furry...
LOL! But most of those who aren't are WAY too young! :p

Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. The end,

A few baby and elephant jokes.

Whats small and pink and taps on windows
Baby in a microwave.

What is Soft smooth and pink and goes up and down
Baby nailed to a lift (elavator).

What is hard slimy and brown and goes up and down
same baby a few months later

Small and pink and can't turn in corridors,
Baby with a javelin through its ead

Small blue and fits,
Epileptic baby

How do you know when you have passed an elephant,
Can't get the toilet seat down

what do you do if you see a heard of elephants coming at you,
swim for it. etc

One just for us britishes,
What type of key opens every type of lock?
A Pikey

thanks i just spit beer on my keyboard..lol

Two Jews walk into a bar. They buy it. The end,
This one seems to fall on its Hebrew-nosed face.

Which leads right into another:

What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?

Answer: He breaks his nose. ):

thanks i just spit beer on my keyboard..lol

ok..my lame blond joke...

2 blonds are building a house,so they are nailing away,when 1 blonde sees the other pull a nail out of her pouch,nail it,pull another..throws it over her shoulder...

this continues for a bit,she asks her blonde friend..why do you throw every other nail away?

the blond says,cause they made them backwards!

the other blond says..no stupid...they are for the other side of the house! ;)

Something different...

He laid her on the table

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.



He touched her neck and then her breast

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.



The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....

And then he stuffed the turkey. (What were you thinking you pervert)

Theres a rabbit and a bear sitting at a tree. One day a Genie poofs out of nowhere.
"I will grant you 3 wishes each because I feel like it." Said the genie.
The bear went first. "Genie....for my first wish, I wish all the bears in this park were girl bears."
"Done." replied the Genie.
"I want a motorcycle." said the rabbit.
"Done." said the genie, and poof, both the wishes come true.
"You know.....I want all the bears in this Country to be girl bears." thought the bear.
"Done" said the genie, and loo and behold, it was done.
"I want a helmet." said the Rabbit. And a helmet appeared on the rabbits head.
"Hmmm....."the bear thought...." I wish for ALL the bears in the world to ge girl bears." said the bear with a mischievious grin.
"Done." All the bears in the world were now girl bears.
The Rabbit thinks to himself and replies...."Well, I've got a motorcycle....A helmet....What more do I need? So.....I wish the bear was gay."


You know what happens.

What does a fish say when it runs into a concrete wall?
"Dam."
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique up on em."
How do you catcha tame rabbit?
"Tame way. Unique up on him."

LOL! But most of those who aren't are WAY too young! :p

I know plenty of women older than I who are quite furless...

Warning label on a bottle of drugs.

If effects of drugs do not wear off within 9 hours of use: Don't waste time with a doctor, seek an optimist.

A mechanical engineer dies and is sent to Hell by mistake. Satan welcomes him, realises that there has been a mixup..and sees an opportunity.

"Look" he says to the engineer "You're supposed to be in Heaven where everythng works...down here nothing does...so I'll make you a deal.

No hell fire, no torments, all the women and booze you like, the best quarters, regular hours and paid vacations..all I need is for you to fix up the place."

The engineer looks dubious and replies he will need a lot of equipment. Satan brushes that off "Tell me what and who you need and how much...whatever you need is yours...check with my imps and ask them,, they will have orders to give you whatever you need and no argument"

The engineer nods, seeing what a mess hell is"Okay, Satan..deal"

Satan is thrilled, gives a slew of orders and the engineer sets to work.

In a month, Hell is perfect, the fires are out, the air conditioning works, the plumbing is fixed, the piping is laid down and checked, the electricity works, all rooms and areas are now structurally sound..the engineer, aided by dozens of banished souls of all trades, has made Hell a paradise.

He has his pick of a hundred ladies and the best food and booze he wants..for eternity..and Satan, whom he sees has been getting a bad name, is working with him to expand and improve even more. Meetings go into the small hours, planning and working out the details.

God and the angels have, by this time, realised there has been a mistake, and God sends down St Peter to demand the engineer back. Satan, of course,refuses.

St Peter looks angry"I warn you..we will sue"..

Satan bursts out laughing "And just where in Heaven will you find a lawyer???"

A man starts rubbing his wife's chest in bed, motioning he wants sex.

His wife, catching on, says "Not tonight, I got a genecoligist appointment tomorrow and I want to be fresh for it."

The man rolls over, dejected.

After a minute of thought, he rolls over to his wife again and asks "Honey, do you have a dentist appointment as well?"

Q: How do you know you've got a high sperm count?

A: When your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow.

Question: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

Answer:
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.


There once was this 80 year old lady that had decided she had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide. She thought about it for a while and decided the best way would be something quick, so she decided to get her late husband's gun out of the nightstand and shoot herself through the heart. The only problem was is that she wasn't quite sure where her heart was. So, she called the hospital and asked the nurse on duty where the heart was located. The nurse tells her that it's located right below the left nipple. She says "thank you" and hangs up the phone.

So, she gets out the gun, takes careful aim, squeezes the trigger...

and shoots herself in the left kneecap.

Question: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?

Answer:
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.

:confused: .... :eek:

There was once this really rich, successful man. He had done it all in his life; Skydiving, safari's, space trip, you name it. But he had never gone fishing.

So, when he retired from a very successful business life, he was rich.
"Great", he though. "Now I can go fishing all I want!"
And so, he went to the best store that had the best equipment, and he bought the most expensive of everything: A fishing rod so tough you could bend it 'til it broke and it still didn't break, with that very well-known Ultra-Strength-Mega-Speed fishing line that went away 1,000 km/h and just making the sound "Swoooosh!", he bought a pair of boots that went over the knees...and the waist...and the chest... Well, it went all over his head, and it had a radar (not sure what it's actually called in english) in the back so you could just stick your arse out and check for fish. And a silver landing net.

And using all these things, he went out in a river to fish, but he didn't get a single bite.

After a short while, a kid comes up, he can't have been older than twelve or thirteen, and stood next to this rich man with the fishing rod, and the Ultra-Strength-Mega-Speed fishing line and everything.

And this boy, he was very poor. Earlier that day, he had found a stick, which he would use as a rod, and his mother had given him a couple of pieces of string which he tied together to make a fishing line, and he had found a piece of steel wire which he bent into a hook. He then borrowed a rock from a friend and made the steel wire all shiny.

So, then he went up next to the man with the fishing rod and the Ultra-Strength-Mega-Speed fishing line and everything, and he! He didn't get a bite either!

What does a fish say when it runs into a concrete wall?
"Dam."
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
"Unique up on em."
How do you catcha tame rabbit?
"Tame way. Unique up on him."
Oh, GROAN! :D

I know plenty of women older than I who are quite furless...
Then it's probably an artificial "furlessness!" :D

Satan bursts out laughing "And just where in Heaven will you find a lawyer???"
ROFLMFAO!!! Good one! :D

There once was this 80 year old lady that had decided she had enough of life and wanted to commit suicide. She thought about it for a while and decided the best way would be something quick, so she decided to get her late husband's gun out of the nightstand and shoot herself through the heart. The only problem was is that she wasn't quite sure where her heart was. So, she called the hospital and asked the nurse on duty where the heart was located. The nurse tells her that it's located right below the left nipple. She says "thank you" and hangs up the phone.

So, she gets out the gun, takes careful aim, squeezes the trigger...

and shoots herself in the left kneecap.
ROFLMAO!! I usually don't like "old" jokes, but that's good! :D

One day a man dies and since he hasn't lead a virtuous life, he goes to hell. There he meets the devil himself.
Devil: "Welcome! Let me give you a tour. The fun baths are that way, massage parlors down this street, and the sports centers are..."
Man: "Wait a moment! Isn't Hell about fire and pain and torture?"
Devil: "Yeah, but that one's only for the bad catholics."

One day a man dies and since he hasn't lead a virtuous life, he goes to hell. There he meets the devil himself.
Devil: "Welcome! Let me give you a tour. The fun baths are that way, massage parlors down this street, and the sports centers are..."
Man: "Wait a moment! Isn't Hell about fire and pain and torture?"
Devil: "Yeah, but that one's only for the bad catholics."
Hehehe! :D

ROFLMAO!! I usually don't like "old" jokes, but that's good! :D
Well if that one is okay...

Joey: "Grandma, can I play with your boobies?"
Grandma: "Okay Joey, but don't go too far"

Hehehe! :DHere's another:
A Lutheran, a Southern Baptist, and an Orthodox Christian all have one thing in common: They've just died and go up to heaven. Once they make it to the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes them.
St. Peter: "Right, you guys all passed inspections of your lives, so you get to go to heaven. But when you follow me down this corridor,..." His voice becomes a whisper "...you need to be absolutely silent."
The three follow St. Peter's order and silently tiptoe behind him down the corridor. On one side of the corridor, they can hear voices and occasionally even laughter. Upon reaching the end of the corridor, St. Peter turns around to the three men.
St. Peter: "Right. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but we keep the Catholics on that side of the corridor and we like to leave them with the illusion that they're alone up here to avoid trouble."

Here's another:
A Lutheran, a Southern Baptist, and an Orthodox Christian all have one thing in common: They've just died and go up to heaven. Once they make it to the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes them.
St. Peter: "Right, you guys all passed inspections of your lives, so you get to go to heaven. But when you follow me down this corridor,..." His voice becomes a whisper "...you need to be absolutely silent."
The three follow St. Peter's order and silently tiptoe behind him down the corridor. On one side of the corridor, they can hear voices and occasionally even laughter. Upon reaching the end of the corridor, St. Peter turns around to the three men.
St. Peter: "Right. I'm sorry for the inconvenience, but we keep the Catholics on that side of the corridor and we like to leave them with the illusion that they're alone up here to avoid trouble."
Heh! Yeah. Heard that one before, but I still laugh at it whenever I hear it. :D

BTW ... the first time I ever heard it, a Catholic Priest told it to me! LOL!

Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels are sitting at home one day, when Engels turns to Marx and asks;

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Marx says;

"Yes." And then Engels asks,

"Would you like a cup of proper tea?" Marx says ;

"No, because all proper-tea is theft!"

Geddit property/proper tea...?


Deary me, I am going crazy.

Deary me, I am going crazy.
Um ... I tend to agree with this assessment! :D

Some short ones:

I plan to live forever. So far, so good.

Why is the Irish currency called the punt?
It rhymes with bank manager.

(This is lame, but I don't care)
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker and says, "Hello, hello, hello." And the wife says, "What, aren't you talking to me anymore?"

A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi live across the street from each other, and have a friendly rivalry of sorts.

One day, the Priest buys a brand new Cadillac and parks it on the street directly across from the Rabbi's place. Not to be outdone, the Rabbi buys a Cadillac as well, but this one has mag wheels and more chrome.

The Priest responds by installing a massive stereo system in his Caddy, to which the Rabbi responds by installing an even larger system.

And so it goes, with each responding to the other's improvements, until there is nothing left to add to either car.

The Priest thinks, "Ah AH! Now I have him!" and brings out the holy water and sprinkles his car, blessing it.

The Rabbi grins from ear to ear, runs into his garage, brings out a pair of tinsnips and cuts two inches off the tailpipe of his Caddy. :D

A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker and says, "Hello, hello, hello." And the wife says, "What, aren't you talking to me anymore?"
Heh! I know some in that same vein, but they're all totally obscene! LOL!

The Rabbi grins from ear to ear, runs into his garage, brings out a pair of tinsnips and cuts two inches off the tailpipe of his Caddy. :D


Hehehehe--- that was good..... :p so, have you gotten the fill of funnies yet? you said you needed to laugh...all though there were a few groans in there too.

I think we can safely say that almost all clergy jokes are funny. And a lot of religion jokes, too.

I think we can safely say that almost all clergy jokes are funny. And a lot of religion jokes, too.Depends on the audience... ;)

2 priests chatting.

1: "Do you think we'll ever see the end of celibacy?"
2: "Not us...... maybe our sons."

Depends on the audience... ;)
I can't think of any reasonable person who cannot laugh at his religion, his clergy, or his cultural or phenotypic background. As for unreasonable people, they're stupid, ignore them. :)

As for unreasonable people, they're stupid, ignore them. :)Did you see the "A Christian Beat up on Me" thread? Ignoring the stupid ones doesn't always work... :(

Did you see the "A Christian Beat up on Me" thread? Ignoring the stupid ones doesn't always work... :(
I have to admit, I didn't read that.

But if anything, this demonstrates the need for a person to know how to handle himself physically when confronted.

Ignoring the stupid ones in verbal confrontation works. When they get physical, that's a different matter. But, y'know, you don't have to beat someone down to win a fight - take one of those "women's self-defence" courses. They teach you how to fight dirty. (Presumably men never have to rely on agility, reflexes and leverage when we have brute strength but eh, I don't market these things.)

What do you call a short mexican?



A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.

q) what is red and invisible?

a) no tomatoes!

I've always liked that one... dunno why..

Where does Ivan the Terrible keep his armies?

Ivan the Terrible is dead, as are all the people that were once in his armies.

Where does Ivan the Terrible keep his armies?

Ivan the Terrible is dead, as are all the people that were once in his armies.
so they're buried somewhere? :confused:

so they're buried somewhere? :confused:

Obviously they are.

Obviously they are.
HAHA!

Ok, an Irishman walks out of a bar.

ROFLMAO thats the best yet :D

What do you call a short mexican?

A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay.
LOL! :D

Hehehehe--- that was good..... :p so, have you gotten the fill of funnies yet? you said you needed to laugh...all though there were a few groans in there too.
I'll never get my fill of funnies! :D

OK, you just died and went to heaven. St. Peter gives you a tour. Each person in the world has t hier own clock, and for each sin, one second goes past. Mother Thersha(sp!!) never lied, so her clock is dusty and old. Lincoln's clock has only one second gone past, because he lied only once. Then you ask, "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" St. Peter says, "In Jesus's office. He's using it as a cieling fan."

a bloke goes in to a shop and asks for some irish sausages and the assistant says: "are you Irish?"

bloke: "If I asked for german bratwurst would you ask if was german? If I asked for a taco would you ask if I was mexican? Or if I asked for danish bacon would you ask if I was danish?"

assistant: " well, no"

bloke: "then why do you ask if I'm Irish?"

assistant: "because this is Ikea"

A guy goes to the doctor's office because he was constipated, so the doctor writes him out a perscription for a box of laxatives to follow up with him tomorrow. So the guy goes to the pharmacy and picks up his perscription. Now this guy has never seen suppositories before, so he just figures that they are just "really big pills".

Next day, the guy returns to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that he finished off the whole box, but he was still constipated. The Doctor exclaims:

"Good grief! There was enough laxative in that box to unplug an elephant! What have you been doing? Eating them?"

to which the guy replied:

"Well, what did you think I was doing with them? Shoving them up my ass?"

the seven dwarfs were in a bath together. they all felt happy. then happy got out. then they all felt grumpy.

OK, you just died and went to heaven. St. Peter gives you a tour. Each person in the world has t hier own clock, and for each sin, one second goes past. Mother Thersha(sp!!) never lied, so her clock is dusty and old. Lincoln's clock has only one second gone past, because he lied only once. Then you ask, "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" St. Peter says, "In Jesus's office. He's using it as a cieling fan."
ROFLMFAO!!!!! :D

the seven dwarfs were in a bath together. they all felt happy. then happy got out. then they all felt grumpy.
We had a party. Everyone was feeling Merry, but Merry left so everyone jumped for Joy. :)

A guy goes to the doctor's office because he was constipated, so the doctor writes him out a perscription for a box of laxatives to follow up with him tomorrow. So the guy goes to the pharmacy and picks up his perscription. Now this guy has never seen suppositories before, so he just figures that they are just "really big pills".

Next day, the guy returns to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that he finished off the whole box, but he was still constipated. The Doctor exclaims:

"Good grief! There was enough laxative in that box to unplug an elephant! What have you been doing? Eating them?"

to which the guy replied:

"Well, what did you think I was doing with them? Shoving them up my ass?"
LOL! :D

Two rabbits are being chased by a fox. They jump behind an old log to hide and while they are catching there breath one turns and asks "so what do we do now" to which the other responds "well, we can either run for it, or wait here here until we outnumber them"

Sometimes real life can be even funnier than jokes:

I waited until I was out in the field in Vietnam before having appendicitis. The field medic had me MedEvaced to a rear hospital, where they determined that I did, in fact, have appendicitis. When they were prepping me for surgery, a young, attractive, female nurse came into the room. I hadn't even known there were any American female nurses in Vietnam!

She immediately began to help prep me by shaving me! Since I hadn't even been touched by a woman in several months, I immediately became quite ... excited. The young woman gave me an arch look, then informed me that, since it was mine, I should be the one to hold it! :D

Sometimes real life can be even funnier than jokes:

I waited until I was out in the field in Vietnam before having appendicitis. The field medic had me MedEvaced to a rear hospital, where they determined that I did, in fact, have appendicitis. When they were prepping me for surgery, a young, attractive, female nurse came into the room. I hadn't even known there were any American female nurses in Vietnam!

She immediately began to help prep me by shaving me! Since I hadn't even been touched by a woman in several months, I immediately became quite ... excited. The young woman gave me an arch look, then informed me that, since it was mine, I should be the one to hold it! :D
:eek: :)
Scandolous
;)

why did the doctor have smelly hands? because he kneaded a poo

why do women get periods? because they deserve them :D

This is an actual advert by the way!

"New Action Man range dolls, specifically for Northern Ireland - indoctrinate your child today - whether it's the PSNI dolls attacking the evil nationalists or unionists, or the unionists and nationalists ganging up to attack the evil PSNI!"

Something different...

He laid her on the table

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.



He touched her neck and then her breast

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.



The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms....

And then he stuffed the turkey. (What were you thinking you pervert)

OMG! I loved that one! ROTFLMFAO!

Some dubious products

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A guy named Marty walks into a bar and sits down. After ordering a drink, he looks around, and notices that sitting at the end of the bar is a man with an enormous orange for a head. He is understandably surprised, since this is obviously not something that a person would see every day. Marty tries not to stare, because he knows that would just make the man with the orange for a head would become self-conscious, and he probably got a lot of gawkers anyway. He couldn't help but look, though.
Eventually, the man with the orange for a head noticed that he was being stared at, and slammed his fist on the bar. "What in the hell are you staring at?" he shouted across the bar. Marty's face becomes red, and he weakly responds, "Well, you know, I was just... I just think it's weird. You know, for someone to have an orange for a head."
The man with the orange for a head's expression softened. "Hey, I'm sorry that I yelled. It's just that so many people stare at me like this. Hey, come over here and I'll tell you how it happened." Marty hesitantly walks over to the other side of the bar and takes a seat.
"A year ago," the man with the orange for a head starts, "I was at a baazar in the Middle East. While I was there, I bought an old, rusted lamp. On a lark, I decided to rub it after I returned home, and a genie flew out like a red tornado, and in a deep booming voice, he told me that he would grant three of my wishes.
"Now, I hadn't seen that episode of the Twilight Zone where a guy wishes for something and turns into Hitler yet, so I wasn't skeptical about the fact that he would actually grant me what I was wishing. My first wish (as you could probably assume) was to be a millionare. 'Your wish is granted,' he said. 'I have deposited your money in your bank account.' I immediately called the bank to confirm this, and they told me that $91,962.50 had just been deposited. 'What's the deal, genie?' I asked. 'I told you that I wanted a million dollars!' 'Ah,' he told me, 'you said you wanted to be a millionare, so I deposited one million pesos in your bank account.'
"At this point I realized that this was one of those bullshit genies, the kind that tried to take what you said and twisted it around so that you didn't actually get what you wanted. So, I decided to be really specific, so that there wouldn't be any confusion. 'Okay, genie,' I said. 'Here's what I want: I want every woman that I'm attracted to to be attracted to me, and I want every woman that I'm NOT attracted to to not be attracted to me. Got that?' He nodded his head and said that my wish had been granted. 'Okay,' I told him, 'I'm going to hold onto that last wish until later. I want to test out this wish for a while to make sure I haven't been screwed.'
"So I went to work the next day, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my wish had come true. Just as I had wished, all the hot ladies at the office hung around me all the time, and all the gross, homely women stayed away. I kept looking for some kind of a catch, but I couldn't find one. After I got back home, I rubbed the lamp again and told the genie, 'Well, that first wish was kind of crappy, but you really came through with that second one. So, I'd like to make my last wish now.'"

At this point, the man with the orange for a head took a drink of his beer and leaned in close to Marty, and slowly said "Buddy, I've made a lot of careless decisions in my life, but the one I was about to make is going to plague me for the rest of my life. I told the genie this:

"I wish I had a giant orange for a head."

A guy <bla bla bla> e genie this:

"I wish I had a giant orange for a head."
O.o

A guy named Marty walks into a bar and sits down. After ordering a drink, he looks around, and notices that sitting at the end of the bar is a man with an enormous orange for a head. He is understandably surprised, since this is obviously not something that a person would see every day. Marty tries not to stare, because he knows that would just make the man with the orange for a head would become self-conscious, and he probably got a lot of gawkers anyway. He couldn't help but look, though.
Eventually, the man with the orange for a head noticed that he was being stared at, and slammed his fist on the bar. "What in the hell are you staring at?" he shouted across the bar. Marty's face becomes red, and he weakly responds, "Well, you know, I was just... I just think it's weird. You know, for someone to have an orange for a head."
The man with the orange for a head's expression softened. "Hey, I'm sorry that I yelled. It's just that so many people stare at me like this. Hey, come over here and I'll tell you how it happened." Marty hesitantly walks over to the other side of the bar and takes a seat.
"A year ago," the man with the orange for a head starts, "I was at a baazar in the Middle East. While I was there, I bought an old, rusted lamp. On a lark, I decided to rub it after I returned home, and a genie flew out like a red tornado, and in a deep booming voice, he told me that he would grant three of my wishes.
"Now, I hadn't seen that episode of the Twilight Zone where a guy wishes for something and turns into Hitler yet, so I wasn't skeptical about the fact that he would actually grant me what I was wishing. My first wish (as you could probably assume) was to be a millionare. 'Your wish is granted,' he said. 'I have deposited your money in your bank account.' I immediately called the bank to confirm this, and they told me that $91,962.50 had just been deposited. 'What's the deal, genie?' I asked. 'I told you that I wanted a million dollars!' 'Ah,' he told me, 'you said you wanted to be a millionare, so I deposited one million pesos in your bank account.'
"At this point I realized that this was one of those bullshit genies, the kind that tried to take what you said and twisted it around so that you didn't actually get what you wanted. So, I decided to be really specific, so that there wouldn't be any confusion. 'Okay, genie,' I said. 'Here's what I want: I want every woman that I'm attracted to to be attracted to me, and I want every woman that I'm NOT attracted to to not be attracted to me. Got that?' He nodded his head and said that my wish had been granted. 'Okay,' I told him, 'I'm going to hold onto that last wish until later. I want to test out this wish for a while to make sure I haven't been screwed.'
"So I went to work the next day, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that my wish had come true. Just as I had wished, all the hot ladies at the office hung around me all the time, and all the gross, homely women stayed away. I kept looking for some kind of a catch, but I couldn't find one. After I got back home, I rubbed the lamp again and told the genie, 'Well, that first wish was kind of crappy, but you really came through with that second one. So, I'd like to make my last wish now.'"

At this point, the man with the orange for a head took a drink of his beer and leaned in close to Marty, and slowly said "Buddy, I've made a lot of careless decisions in my life, but the one I was about to make is going to plague me for the rest of my life. I told the genie this:

"I wish I had a giant orange for a head."

I applaud you good sir. Nice one.

A woman was in bed with her lover when her husband's car pulled into the driveway. "Oh my God! what am I going to do?" Whe thought. She grabbed her lover by the hand and pulled him intothe bathroom. Then she covered him with baby oil and sprinkled him head to toe with baby powder. She pulled him back into the bedroom and said "Stand here. Don't move, don't make a sound, just let me handle this." By this time her husband has dome into the room. "Hi, honey," he siad "hey, what's this?" "Oh, it's a, um, statue." she told him." A statue?" he asked. "Yeah. well, I saw one at the Greens' last week and I just had to get one." "Oh, OK." he said. So the couple goes about their evening and nothing more is said about it. At around 2am, the husband gets up, goes into the kitchen and makes a sandwich and gets a glass of milk. He comes back into the bedroom, hands them to the "statue" and says "Here, eat something. I stood like an idiot for three days over at the Greens' and no one gave me so much as a glass of water."

I told the genie this:

"I wish I had a giant orange for a head."
Huh? I don't get it! :confused:

A woman was in bed with her lover when her husband's car pulled into the driveway. "Oh my God! what am I going to do?" Whe thought. She grabbed her lover by the hand and pulled him intothe bathroom. Then she covered him with baby oil and sprinkled him head to toe with baby powder. She pulled him back into the bedroom and said "Stand here. Don't move, don't make a sound, just let me handle this." By this time her husband has dome into the room. "Hi, honey," he siad "hey, what's this?" "Oh, it's a, um, statue." she told him." A statue?" he asked. "Yeah. well, I saw one at the Greens' last week and I just had to get one." "Oh, OK." he said. So the couple goes about their evening and nothing more is said about it. At around 2am, the husband gets up, goes into the kitchen and makes a sandwich and gets a glass of milk. He comes back into the bedroom, hands them to the "statue" and says "Here, eat something. I stood like an idiot for three days over at the Greens' and no one gave me so much as a glass of water."
ROFL!!! :D

Can I just say that the giant orange head one is possibly the best joke on here so far - sheer genius!

Anyway, a few more of my own :D And I trust no-one gets offended by sick jokes here.

What's red and slimy and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.

What would John Paul II be doing if he were alive right now?
Scrabbling frantically at the inside of his coffin.

And one of my little gems:

Why do girls wear make-up and perfume?



Coz they're ugly and they smell!

p.s. My brother's girlfriend told me that one, so it's ok :D

Your brother's girlfriend is a chauvanist.

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

Eh, I don't know any transwomen that miss their penises. :D

Two MExicans are walking in the desert, hundreds of miles from civilization. They are Pedro and Papi, dying of thirst and hunger.
"Pedro...A neeed som wata."
"I know Papi."
Suddenly Pedro sees a tree.
"Look Papi! A tree! We es saved!"
"Pedro, et es un Baconbush!"
"Si! I know!"
There, loo and behold was a baconbush out in the middle of the desert, with all types of bacon on it. Turkey bacon...bacon bacon, cheese bacon, every bacon imaginable.
"Leets geet it!"
Pedro rushes towards the Bacontree, getting within 100 feet of it when machine gun fire shoots out, hitting poor ol' Pedro.
"Pedro!" shouts Pepi, rushing towards Pedro.
When Pepi gets there, Pedro is mortally wounded, trying to speak.
"What is it Pedro!?"
"Pepi...."
"si?"
"Eets not a baconbush..."
"Si?"
"Eets"
"yes?"
Eets..."
"Si?
"Eets a Hambush."

As the passengers on a commercial jet were getting seated, the pilot and co-pilot enter the plane. The pilot was wearing dark glasses and carrying a cane, the co-pilot had a seeing-eye dog on a harness. Some of the passengers chuckled at the obvious joke, then got ready for take off. The plane's engine roared to life, and the plane taxied down the runway. Some passengers started to get a bit nervous when the plane was about 300 yards from the end of the runway, and still hadn't taken off. At 200 yards, there was a lot of murmuring. At 100 yards, people were talking nervously, wondering if there was a problem. At 50 yards, people began screaming in terror. At that point, the whine of the engine changed pitch, and the plane lifted off into the air, as the passengers heaved a collective sigh of relief. Meanwhile, in the cockpit, the co-pilot says to the pilot "You know, one of these days, the passengers won't scream, and we're all going to die."

What do you call a blind German?

A Not-See

Why did it take wso ong to get into Russia?

Because the car was Stalin

Eh, I don't know any transwomen that miss their penises. :D
Picky, picky! Tsk! :D

Can I just say that the giant orange head one is possibly the best joke on here so far - sheer genius!
Then perhaps you'd be so kind as to explain that one to me, 'cause I can't figure it out for the life of me! :(

Guy walks into a bar for a beer, and see's a horse tied up at the end of the bar. Around the horses neck is a sign. It reads "$50 to whoever can make me laugh" So the guys asks the barkeep if he can give it a try. "Sure" the bartender says!

So the guy walks over to the horse, and whispers something in his ear. The horse starts laughing uncontrollably, and the guy walks up to the barkeep, takes the $50 bucks outta the barkeeps hand and walks out, leaving the barkeep slackjawed and bewildered.

Next day the guy goes back to the bar, walks in, and there's the horse, still laughing uncontrollably. Around it's neck is another sign. It reads "$100 to whoever can get this horse to quit laughing". So the guy walks over to the horse, grabs the reins and leads it into the back room. 10 seconds later, he comes back out with the horse, and the horse is crying.

So he walks up to the barkeep to get his money, but the barkeep says " You want the money? You gotta tell me how you did it!"

So the guy says, "OK, yesterday I whispered in the horse ear that I had a bigger penis than him. He thought that was quite funny. Today, I showed him!"
nice one

Then perhaps you'd be so kind as to explain that one to me, 'cause I can't figure it out for the life of me! :(

That's odd. Everyone else gets it. There must be something wrong with you.

That's odd. Everyone else gets it. There must be something wrong with you.


Actually, I didn't get it either.

Actually, I didn't get it either.

You didn't get "it?" Ha! You perv.

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a proletarian lightbulb?

None, A Proletarian lightbulb contains the seeds of it's own revolution.


How many Surrealist's does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bath with brightly colored powertools.

How many Men does it take to wallpaper a Feminist's bedroom?

Depends on how thinly you slice them.

:D

You didn't get "it?" Ha! You perv.
really, no one gets it, mind explaining it?

Normally, I am not into blonde jokes, but I always liked this one:

What do blondes and computers have in common?

You never really appreciate either one until they go down on you.

One of my favorites.

Subject: alaskan redneck


Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there
is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned....Your neighbor from 40 miles away....
Having a party Friday....Thought you might like to come.
About 5..."

"Great" says Sam, "after six months out here I'm
ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...
There's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem....after 25 years in business,
I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops.
"More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Ned turns from the door.
"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam.
"I've been all alone for six months!
I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

@Lachenburg: ROFLMAO!

Alright, not sure if this has been said yet, but here it goes:

There are 5 people on a plane that is about to crash. They are the UN Secretary General, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, the Pope(John Paul II, its old), and a little girl. However, there are only 4 parachutes.

The Secretary General says "I am the leader of the UN, so I deserve a parachute." He grabs one, and jumps out.

George Bush says "I am the leader of the most powerful country in the world, so I deserve a parachute." He grabs one and jumps out.

Hillary Clinton says "I am the world's smartest woman, and wife of a former US president, so I deserve a parachute." She grabs one and jumps out.

So only the Pope and the little girl are left. The Pope says "Well, I have lived a long and good life. It is my time. Little girl, you should take the last parachute."

The girl responds "There are enough parachutes for us both."

The Pope says "How is that?"

The girl responds "The world's smartest woman took my backpack..."

really, no one gets it, mind explaining it?

That joke is actually something of a personality test that I use on people. I'm not going to tell you how it tests personalities, or how I judge the outcomes (since that would ruin the effect), but the responses tell a lot about a person.

Oh go on, let us in on the test results....

Hillary Clinton says "I am the world's smartest woman, and wife of a former US president, so I deserve a parachute." She grabs one and jumps out.

The girl responds "The world's smartest woman took my backpack..."

Ow. Why can't we have some Bush jokes. I think he's more deserving.

Oh go on, let us in on the test results....

But then I would risk getting insulted by people that didn't like the results.

We having dyslexic jokes?

Dyslexic devil worshipper - he sold his soul to santa.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thguoht slpeling was ipmorantt

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thguoht slpeling was ipmorantt


My head hurts. :eek:

We having dyslexic jokes?

Dyslexic devil worshipper - he sold his soul to santa.

What about the dyslexic agnostic that sat up half the night wondering if there really was a dog?

Dyslexics of the world, untie! :D

Normally, I am not into blonde jokes, but I always liked this one:

What do blondes and computers have in common?

You never really appreciate either one until they go down on you.
Hehehe! But then, after she's done, she wants to talk! Groan! ;)

But then I would risk getting insulted by people that didn't like the results.
I would bet that it's at least an indicator of one's willingness to either go along with the group, or risk looking like an idiot because they didn't "get" it. :D

I would bet that it's at least an indicator of one's willingness to either go along with the group, or risk looking like an idiot because they didn't "get" it. :D

To me, the whole thing seemed like Andy Kaufman style of humor, where it's more funny from an outside perspective than part of the interaction.

My problem is in finding a joke that won't inspire SOMEONE to send a lynch mob after me. Here goes nothing......

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"The damn problem is this," the man says. "I just won $50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?

There was a miner who had been up in the hills for twenty years panning for gold. One day he gets a wild hair, hikes down the mountain and walks into the first bar in the first town he sees
He walks up to the bartender and says, "Bartender, you got any whiskey in this town?"
The bartender pours him a drink. He gulps it down and says, "Bartender, you got any women in this town?"
The bartender says, "Nope, but we got Old Joe out back."
This makes the miner mad. He says, "No! I don't go for that kind of stuff!"
He goes back up to the mountain and spends ten more long lonely years panning for gold.
One day the miner gets another wild hair. He goes down the mountain, back to the same town, to the same bar and sees the same bartender. He says, "Bartender, got any whiskey in this town?"
The bartender pours him a glass. He drinks it down. He says, "Bartender, got any women in this town yet?"
"Nope," says the bartender. "But, we still got Old Joe out back."
The miner thinks about this for a minute and says, "Bartender, pour me another whiskey.
As he's drinking his second glass, the miner says, "Bartender, if I was to do this thing with Old Joe... who would have to know about it?"
The bartender says, "Well, you, me and Old Joe, of course. And two other guys."
The miner says, "Well bartender, I understand about you and me and Old Joe. But what about these two other guys?"
"They're holding down Old Joe. Old Joe don't go for that kind of stuff either!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down for a drink. The woman sitting next to him couldn't help but notice the sad look on his face as he orders a drink. She proceeds to ask him "What's wrong"
"My wife left me," the man replies.
"Oh, that is so sad, I am sorry to hear that," says the woman. "Why did she leave you?"
"Well, to be honest, she said that I was too kinky."
The woman then says "Well, you won't believe this, but just last year my husband left me, for the very same reason. What do you say we finish these drinks, head back to my place, and see what happens?"
The man agrees, And when they get back to her place, she tells him to make himself comfortable and proceeds to the bedroom. She decides to make the best of it, and pulls out her finest kinky outfit. Black leather boots that go to her knees. Crotchless panties, and a bustier in black patent leather. A spiked collar and long black gloves. She ties her hair back in a tight pony tail, grabs her whip and heads for the door.
As she walks out she sees the man just opening the door to leave. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to have some fun."
The man replies , "I already f*cked your dog and sh*t in your purse. I'm out of here."

Am I banned yet?

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

I don't get that, anyway. What's so wrong with a man having a mistress AND a wife? I'm a chick and I see no moral issue there.

What can you make out of a dead baby, duct tape and olive oil? A sex toy. The tape to hold it together and the oil to make it nice and silky.

What do you make with it after you've *ahem*, 'worn it out?' A protein shake. Hell, by that time, you've already 'blended' it well and added enough 'protein' to make it worthwhile. MmmmmHMMM, salty!

What can you make out of a dead baby, duct tape and olive oil? A sex toy. The tape to hold it together and the oil to make it nice and silky.

What do you make with it after you've *ahem*, 'worn it out?' A protein shake. Hell, by that time, you've already 'blended' it well and added enough 'protein' to make it worthwhile. MmmmmHMMM, salty!

That was truly sick. Good job :)

Fred was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Steve there clutching his hands between his legs.
"What's wrong?" Fred said.
"I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!" said his friend.
Just then Fred's wife, Karen came to the door and said "Quick come in the kitchen and I'll look after you."
When Fred looked in the kitchen, he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair and his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.
"Christ!" thought Fred. "How do you feel?" he said.
His friend turned and said "Fred, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his finger in the air, he said "But I still think I will lose the nail!"

That was truly sick. Good job :)

Tahnk you. Thank you very much. I try. Alas, I have no others. That, it seems, is my limit for life.

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door.Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy, The little boy says,
"Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth”. The boy says, "I can't, I sold them”. The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The Boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again.”

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterwards, the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money?" But the koala only looked confused, and so the prostitute brought out a dictionary and showed it to him. It said...

PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turns to the definition for the koala and it says.

KOALA: Eats shoots and leaves.

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

haha. all good jokes.

I don't get that, anyway. What's so wrong with a man having a mistress AND a wife? I'm a chick and I see no moral issue there.
would you expect the wife to have a lover on the side as well?

Would be nice if all chicks thought this way :P

I would bet that it's at least an indicator of one's willingness to either go along with the group, or risk looking like an idiot because they didn't "get" it. :D

Heh, anger is phase two.

panda walks into a bar, and orders a sandwich. he eats it, shoots the bartender in the face and walks out. the next day he comes back, and the manager comes down to meet him. he says 'why did you shoot my best bartender in the face?' and the panda reaches into his back pocket, drawing out a badly-pinctuated dictionary. he says 'im a panda, look it up', and walks out, leaving the manager with the dictionary. he looks in it and sees:

Panda :
large black-and-white bear-related mammal. eats, shoots and leaves.

:D

My problem is in finding a joke that won't inspire SOMEONE to send a lynch mob after me. Here goes nothing......

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"The damn problem is this," the man says. "I just won $50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?
ROFLMAO! Kinda like the old "money talks" thang, eh? :D

I don't get that, anyway. What's so wrong with a man having a mistress AND a wife? I'm a chick and I see no moral issue there.
I love you! :D

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. Afterwards, the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money?" But the koala only looked confused, and so the prostitute brought out a dictionary and showed it to him. It said...

PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turns to the definition for the koala and it says.

KOALA: Eats shoots and leaves.
LOL! :D

Heh, anger is phase two.
Hmm. You must deal with a lot of easily angered people.

Oh! Wait ... this is NS General isn't it! Sorry! :D

panda walks into a bar, and orders a sandwich. he eats it, shoots the bartender in the face and walks out. the next day he comes back, and the manager comes down to meet him. he says 'why did you shoot my best bartender in the face?' and the panda reaches into his back pocket, drawing out a badly-pinctuated dictionary. he says 'im a panda, look it up', and walks out, leaving the manager with the dictionary. he looks in it and sees:

Panda :
large black-and-white bear-related mammal. eats, shoots and leaves.

:D
You're late! :D