NationStates Jolt Archive

well, after realizing that i can help people by telling them the truth, and that i can make others reeeaally mad by pointing out that they have no concept of what the truth is.... i have decided to be an advice columnist. picture Dear Abby. with tattoos, and a wicked sense of humor.and not an old lady.

a most recent example of my fine work can be found here- click (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8678709&postcount=26)
and here again (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8678709&postcount=26)
here we go-- QUESTIONS PLEASE.

Dear Occidio,
Why is it that anytime somebody reads some anti-tobacco propaganda, they become an expert on tobacco and the ailments it "causes"? I've found that not only are the "statistics" biased, but in most cases, misused and incorrect. I mean, how many many people die around the world every year from smoking? Certainly not 450,000. So I guess my question is why don't people actually research what they read to verify its validity?

Dear Occidio,
Why is it that anytime somebody reads some anti-tobacco propaganda, they become an expert on tobacco and the ailments it "causes"? I've found that not only are the "statistics" biased, but in most cases, misused and incorrect. I mean, how many many people die around the world every year from smoking? Certainly not 450,000. So I guess my question is why don't people actually research what they read to verify its validity?

I disagree. Wouldn't you say it's more? Most people who end up dying from smoking, die from Emphysema, Lung Cancer, Throat Cancer, COPD, etc

Dear Occidio,
Why is it that anytime somebody reads some anti-tobacco propaganda, they become an expert on tobacco and the ailments it "causes"? I've found that not only are the "statistics" biased, but in most cases, misused and incorrect. I mean, how many many people die around the world every year from smoking? Certainly not 450,000. So I guess my question is why don't people actually research what they read to verify its validity?


Statistics never lie, liars use statistics *nods*

Dear Occidio,
Why is it that anytime somebody reads some anti-tobacco propaganda, they become an expert on tobacco and the ailments it "causes"? I've found that not only are the "statistics" biased, but in most cases, misused and incorrect. I mean, how many many people die around the world every year from smoking? Certainly not 450,000. So I guess my question is why don't people actually research what they read to verify its validity?
Dear Up In Smoke-
Please give pause and consider this idea- anyone defending smoking is most likely southern, born with a tobacco leaf in their mouth, and still supports slavery, because after all, life sucked in africa for those guys, right?
anyone who is against smoking, in all bitter fact, most likely smokes pot. often. even if they claim to be yoga practicing faith healer from the maldives. they smoke it, and smoke it often.
people who truly dont smoke, also, really dont give a shit. pay no mind to the countless individuals that have had a relative die of cancer, died of cancer themselves, etc etc. its all propaganda.
the problemn is with research is that all we have is the internet, full of lies, deception, child molesters, 13 year old posing as terrorists, psuedo intellectuals, AND ACCESS TO EVERY STATE DEPARTMENT STATISTIC POSSIBLE!!!! so maybe instead of asking Occidio- they should go askjeeves.

Dear Occidio,

Why is it that when I'm on the Internet, and not in some singles chat room, that so many women want to act like sluts, and so many men act like they can't keep their dick in their pants?

I have this mental picture of fat, unattractive people who have never really done anything in their life living out a fantasy image of themselves by typing on the keyboard with their left hand, and furiously masturbating with the other.

Am I wrong?

Dear Occidio,
Why is it that anytime somebody reads some anti-tobacco propaganda, they become an expert on tobacco and the ailments it "causes"? I've found that not only are the "statistics" biased, but in most cases, misused and incorrect. I mean, how many many people die around the world every year from smoking? Certainly not 450,000. So I guess my question is why don't people actually research what they read to verify its validity?
Reply: http://www.archive.official-documents.co.uk/document/cm41/4177/chap-01.htm

EDIT: Good possibility it's faked, but the references made me think it plausible.

I disagree. Wouldn't you say it's more? Most people who end up dying from smoking, die from Emphysema, Lung Cancer, Throat Cancer, COPD, etc
hey look over there!!! a sandwich!! now get the hell out my advice thread please.

Dear Occidio,

When I'm convinced I'm wrong, after some debate, is it improper to retract my statement and apologize? I only ask because I don't think it's common practice.

Statistics never lie, liars use statistics *nods*
same with you kid. i give the advice here. nad consider this- this thread would be the easiest to prove spamming on- since the titleis ASK OCCIDIO!!! which means no answers from any one but...........OCCIDIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Occy,

What am I doing wrong? 3 knockbacks, one month. Even I ususally have a better track record than that.

Dear Occidio,

Why is it that when I'm on the Internet, and not in some singles chat room, that so many women want to act like sluts, and so many men act like they can't keep their dick in their pants?

I have this mental picture of fat, unattractive people who have never really done anything in their life living out a fantasy image of themselves by typing on the keyboard with their left hand, and furiously masturbating with the other.

Am I wrong?
Dear Needs Some Beer Goggles-
I understand your quandry. I am myself, however, am simply awesome. Gorgeous. Like a Model, baby. No really, i think that as creator of a thread series that started the most insane case of cyber sex, so bad that i wont even post on it anymore, i cannot give you the answer you may be looking for. so check the pic thread. try to assemble a group of chicks on here that will go cam to cam with you, so you can see that we are not convent worthy, just a group of socially inept people that type what they think, and type better than they talk. also- isnt "beauty in the eye of the beholder"? so...go solicit some webcam whores, and behold yourself a bit more often.

Dear Occidio,

When I'm convinced I'm wrong, after some debate, is it improper to retract my statement and apologize? I only ask because I don't think it's common practice.
Dear Apology Accepted,
do it. be nice. its not common practice because the collective ego of the grunts on this forum is enough , when ground into bits, feed the starving children in africa for 11 years. nothing wrong with being couth, Motherf***er.

Dear Occy,

What am I doing wrong? 3 knockbacks, one month. Even I ususally have a better track record than that.
Dear Foreign Guy,
if i knew what a knockback was in your third world country, i could answer. but since i dont, i will give you an answer based on my idea of a knockback. You dont drink enough. three shots in one month is spineless. see you at the pub.

Dear Occidio,

Sometimes I feel disgruntled, then I get to the coffee shop, but sometimes they don't have the coffee I like and I feel more disgruntled.

My question is: is it me or is everybody really that stupid?

nothing wrong with being couth, Motherf***er

This is why OM kicks ass.

i just got paged. dead children to pick up. be back later


masturbate to my memory.

Dear Occidio,

What is it like to rule so much? I personally find it can be somewhat tiring to be so awesome, so I was curious to get your take on it, as you evidently kick copious amounts of ass.

Dear Occidio:

For a year and a half now, I have been having a sexual relationship with a scotch brite pad. I love her like no other inanimate object, and I know that she loves me back by the scrapes and scratches on my... er... utensils. We have spent many nights together in the sink, totally naked, but dressed in each others embraces. She is the light for my darkness, and the only reason that I managed to get cleaned up. You see, I was so dirty until I met her - but now... now we have each other. She is my everything Ms. Occidio.

Recently though, I took the opportunity to tell my family about our love. To my shock and dismay, they dashed me and my hopes of acceptance by ridiculing my choice of soulmate. They don't seem to understand the various forms that love can take. Perhaps its that they've never seen the way scotchie and I share sunsets often talking into the morning light, or the way she strokes my hair as we walk naked down the cool wet sand of a deserted beach... I love my scotch brite pad Occidio, but due to this inadmission of repect by other loved ones around me... I have been tempted to stray in the interest of being accepted.

You see, for as long as I've known scotchie, I've had another friend, comet. I know that he loves me, I'm just not sure if I feel the same way about him. Same sex relationships are common now - and I have no doubts that if I decided to take him up on his repeated offers that the union would be one taken well by my family. I'm just not sure if I can leave scotchie just to please my family and my homosexual tendancies. On top of that, I must admit, there was a time (before scotchie and I met) that comet and I were fooling around. I used to shake his tube all day long in fact. That is, until one day he told me that every time I shook his tube it made him feel 'all empty inside'. Needless to say - at that point we decided to part and to go our seperate ways. After I met scotchie, I never looked back... that is, until comet came back to town.

So now I have all these mixed emotions, and I've no idea which way to turn. I want to be happy, and I want my family to be happy... but I also want to be fair to both scotchie and commie. I'm so confused Occidio! Please help!!

signed,

Conundrum in Columbus :(

OMG Lasc that's hilarious! I very nearly wet myself laughing, I'm still laughing now! http://67.18.37.16/1381/85/emo/laugh.gif

Dear Occidio:

For a year and a half now, I have been having a sexual relationship with a scotch brite pad. I love her like no other inanimate object, and I know that she loves me back by the scrapes and scratches on my... er... utensils. We have spent many nights together in the sink, totally naked, but dressed in each others embraces. She is the light for my darkness, and the only reason that I managed to get cleaned up. You see, I was so dirty until I met her - but now... now we have each other. She is my everything Ms. Occidio.

Recently though, I took the opportunity to tell my family about our love. To my shock and dismay, they dashed me and my hopes of acceptance by ridiculing my choice of soulmate. They don't seem to understand the various forms that love can take. Perhaps its that they've never seen the way scotchie and I share sunsets often talking into the morning light, or the way she strokes my hair as we walk naked down the cool wet sand of a deserted beach... I love my scotch brite pad Occidio, but due to this inadmission of repect by other loved ones around me... I have been tempted to stray in the interest of being accepted.

You see, for as long as I've known scotchie, I've had another friend, comet. I know that he loves me, I'm just not sure if I feel the same way about him. Same sex relationships are common now - and I have no doubts that if I decided to take him up on his repeated offers that the union would be one taken well by my family. I'm just not sure if I can leave scotchie just to please my family and my homosexual tendancies. On top of that, I must admit, there was a time (before scotchie and I met) that comet and I were fooling around. I used to shake his tube all day long in fact. That is, until one day he told me that every time I shook his tube it made him feel 'all empty inside'. Needless to say - at that point we decided to part and to go our seperate ways. After I met scotchie, I never looked back... that is, until comet came back to town.

So now I have all these mixed emotions, and I've no idea which way to turn. I want to be happy, and I want my family to be happy... but I also want to be fair to both scotchie and commie. I'm so confused Occidio! Please help!!

signed,

Conundrum in Columbus :(
i feel for you, man :(
i once had a relationship with a desktop printer that my folks just couldn't hack. we had to break it up, but now i'm seeing a ketchup bottle! :D

(lmao btw)

I have this mental picture of fat, unattractive people who have never really done anything in their life living out a fantasy image of themselves by typing on the keyboard with their left hand, and furiously masturbating with the other.


Now that's sexy.

Oh ... and no ... I don't have any questions or need any advice.

i feel for you, man :(
i once had a relationship with a desktop printer that my folks just couldn't hack. we had to break it up, but now i'm seeing a ketchup bottle! :D

(lmao btw)
I like putting ketchup on my hotdog when scotchie isnt looking. She complains a little when she has to clean it up... but somehow I've always managed to convince her that it was accidental spillage... lord I hope she never finds out about my infidelities... it would just kill her!

:(

Dear Occidio,

What is it like to rule so much? I personally find it can be somewhat tiring to be so awesome, so I was curious to get your take on it, as you evidently kick copious amounts of ass.
Dear Fellow Super Hero, Dream Friend, Savior, Protector of the Weak, Defender of What is Good and Kind, Changer of Minds, Absolutley Gorgeous, Class A Person,

(i shortened our description, by the way) First of all, it is a little tough, but not because of th level of awesomeness, but because I spend a lot of time grieving on why, OH WHY, other people were not given the same gifts as were lavished upon us golden children. Second- we are from boston, and that in itself provides much ass kicking power. Third, i figure, when my day is done, gone the sun, and i kick back, thinking of the kids i adopted, the puppies i rescued from euthanasia, the pedophiles i killed, the corruption i stopped,the beautiful men that flung themselves at my feet, the lines of suitors, stretching around the block,bank robberies i foiled, the little conference that i set up so all the world religions could sign that global peace treaty, the cure for cancer that i discovered while administering my homemade AIDS vaccine, the third world countries that i brought into the 21st century, the dictators i imprisoned, and the wars i halted, i think- "oh occidio. you can have a good nights rest knowing that tomorrow, you will do it agian" am i tired ? why of course. but i can handle it? i always have you to lean on, fellow leader.

Dear Occidio:

For a year and a half now, I have been having a sexual relationship with a scotch brite pad. I love her like no other inanimate object, and I know that she loves me back by the scrapes and scratches on my... er... utensils. We have spent many nights together in the sink, totally naked, but dressed in each others embraces. She is the light for my darkness, and the only reason that I managed to get cleaned up. You see, I was so dirty until I met her - but now... now we have each other. She is my everything Ms. Occidio.

Recently though, I took the opportunity to tell my family about our love. To my shock and dismay, they dashed me and my hopes of acceptance by ridiculing my choice of soulmate. They don't seem to understand the various forms that love can take. Perhaps its that they've never seen the way scotchie and I share sunsets often talking into the morning light, or the way she strokes my hair as we walk naked down the cool wet sand of a deserted beach... I love my scotch brite pad Occidio, but due to this inadmission of repect by other loved ones around me... I have been tempted to stray in the interest of being accepted.

You see, for as long as I've known scotchie, I've had another friend, comet. I know that he loves me, I'm just not sure if I feel the same way about him. Same sex relationships are common now - and I have no doubts that if I decided to take him up on his repeated offers that the union would be one taken well by my family. I'm just not sure if I can leave scotchie just to please my family and my homosexual tendancies. On top of that, I must admit, there was a time (before scotchie and I met) that comet and I were fooling around. I used to shake his tube all day long in fact. That is, until one day he told me that every time I shook his tube it made him feel 'all empty inside'. Needless to say - at that point we decided to part and to go our seperate ways. After I met scotchie, I never looked back... that is, until comet came back to town.

So now I have all these mixed emotions, and I've no idea which way to turn. I want to be happy, and I want my family to be happy... but I also want to be fair to both scotchie and commie. I'm so confused Occidio! Please help!!

signed,

Conundrum in Columbus :(
Dear Itchy Scratchy,
you are obviously insane. not because you rub your penis with abrasive materials (dont think i didnt get the "utensil" reference) but because you made no mention of wound disinfection. you get a staph infection, and then your next letter would be complaining about the oozing blood, the seeping pus, etc. go to the drugstore and get some neosporin, peroxide, and #4 gauze. then, go hump your pillow.

Oh ... and no ... I don't have any questions or need any advice.
Dear Denying Denzient,

yes you do. just get off your HIGH texan horse , and let me help you. otherwise, it will bottle up inside, you will catch a depression, and then your beautiful sicilian wife will catch you staring off into space, really sad-like. then, when she slaps you up side your head and demands "whatsa madda witchu?" and then starts HER lecture, you will wish that you sought me out earlier.

OMG Lasc that's hilarious! I very nearly wet myself laughing, I'm still laughing now! http://67.18.37.16/1381/85/emo/laugh.gif

Dear Misdirected Mammaries,

no wetting yourself on my thread. and , you are young enough for diapers anyhow. potty train yourself before college,please.

i feel for you, man :(
i once had a relationship with a desktop printer that my folks just couldn't hack. we had to break it up, but now i'm seeing a ketchup bottle! :D

(lmao btw)
Dear Empty Ink Cartridge,
dont balme it on your folks that you couldnt keep up with 6 pages black and white per minute. its not their fault you are inadequate. switching to condiments is denying you have a problem. now lose the sauce, get a cell phone with vibrate mode, and build your self up.

Dear OM,

Recently, I met the most god-awful moron. No matter how hard I try to convince him that I wouldn't date him if horny was turned into a liquid and I swallowed an ocean of it, he just doesn't get the hint. I've tried telling him, poisoning him, stabbing him, running him over with a car, beating him unconcious, breaking random bones, boxing him up and mailing him to random Middle East countries to be a sex slave, turning him in to the FBI as a terrorist, shooting him, burning down his house, planting top-secret documents on him and then calling the police, staking him through the heart, drugging him and selling random organs while he's still alive, summoning demons to kill him, and recently I locked him inside a nuclear reactor for six hours. Can you please help me get it acrossed to this guy that I'm not interested?

Signed, Bugged By Idiots.

P.S. The Umbrella Corporation has headquarters here. Do you think the recent zombie outbreak is somehow connected?

Dear OM,

Recently, I met the most god-awful moron. No matter how hard I try to convince him that I wouldn't date him if horny was turned into a liquid and I swallowed an ocean of it, he just doesn't get the hint. I've tried telling him, poisoning him, stabbing him, running him over with a car, beating him unconcious, breaking random bones, boxing him up and mailing him to random Middle East countries to be a sex slave, turning him in to the FBI as a terrorist, shooting him, burning down his house, planting top-secret documents on him and then calling the police, staking him through the heart, drugging him and selling random organs while he's still alive, summoning demons to kill him, and recently I locked him inside a nuclear reactor for six hours. Can you please help me get it acrossed to this guy that I'm not interested?

Signed, Bugged By Idiots.

P.S. The Umbrella Corporation has headquarters here. Do you think the recent zombie outbreak is somehow connected?
Dear Get The Point,
first a name issue. i thought you were a guy. your name gave me this very sexy image of a long haired, unapproachable black metal guy in a treanch coat, and BDUs. damn you to hell, because iam usually never wrong. and if you are a guy,and you were talking about a guy, thats means you are gay. and what the hell????
back to your issue at hand. i will have to check the postage date on your leter. it may be a few hundred years old, because i think the guy you are talking about is named rasputin. and he is a monk, and shouldnt be dating anyhow. damn catholics. always breaking the rules. if this isnt the case, you should simply have sex with his brother or best friend, or what the hell, both of them at the same time. arrange so he walks in. this always fixes them.
ps- how much did it cost to mail him to the middle east? i heard its a fortune...

Dear dead person fondler,



Originally Posted by Whispering Legs
I have this mental picture of fat, unattractive people who have never really done anything in their life living out a fantasy image of themselves by typing on the keyboard with their left hand, and furiously masturbating with the other.


Now that's sexy.

This turns me on. Should I be worried, or should I continue to anally masturbate with my roomate's toothbrush?

Additionally, what should I do about my dyslexia?

Dear dead person fondler,




This turns me on. Should I be worried, or should I continue to anally masturbate with my roomate's toothbrush?

Additionally, what should I do about my dyslexia?
Dear Fuller Brush Man,
Your problem is, is that you are working the anal, and ignoring your penis. get a balloon, fill it with jello, stretch it over your member, and voila! your ass will never be minty fresh again.
and i dont fondle the dead. i make love to them.
EDIT- dyslexia is about right and left. wel, we are talkingabout an in and oput motion- so dont stress.

Dear Fuller Brush Man,
Your problem is, is that you are working the anal, and ignoring your penis. get a balloon, fill it with jello, stretch it over your member, and voila! your ass will never be minty fresh again.
and i dont fondle the dead. i make love to them.
EDIT- dyslexia is about right and left. wel, we are talkingabout an in and oput motion- so dont stress.

I like a minty fresh ass though. :(

Actually, I'm female and I prefer women. The name comes from the horrible pranks I pulled in highschool and a joke on here.

Actually, I'm female and I prefer women. The name comes from the horrible pranks I pulled in highschool and a joke on here.
Dear Should be Demoness,
still you have a killer name. and nice to see a fellow prankster. practical jokes are so underrated these days.

Dear OM,

I have this problem, there's this food that I really like but I can't eat it. I mean I have eaten it, but for some reason I am not supposed to, its supposed to be bad for me or something? I don't get it? I was in my backyard yesterday, when out of nowhere this lady started yelling at me, said that isn't for me. But isn't this a free country come on? Anyways, she called me sick person, I found this rude, but I continued eating in her backyard, minding my own business.

I found this ladder and the next day she came after me with a broom. So, I lost it I yelled at her, "Can't I eat in peace I am hungry?" I mean birds are nice to look at....but I was starving. I need your help, people need to stop bothering me.

Dear Itchy Scratchy,
you are obviously insane. not because you rub your penis with abrasive materials (dont think i didnt get the "utensil" reference) but because you made no mention of wound disinfection. you get a staph infection, and then your next letter would be complaining about the oozing blood, the seeping pus, etc. go to the drugstore and get some neosporin, peroxide, and #4 gauze. then, go hump your pillow.
Dear Occidio:

I have done as you said, and now my penis is dry itchy and flaking, my pillow is hard and sticky and scotchie has left me for comet's tube! I'm so alone in my apartment now, the spoons have all stopped speaking to me because they are all crusty and miss scotchie, and yesterday the bathtub stuck the drain up my ass because he missed comet and blamed his leaving on me!

I have become so desperate for sex that I have started seeing the microwave. This wouldnt be so bad... but every time we have sexual intercourse my penis swells up like a coke can with a muffin on top, I get giant red spots on my anus and when I blink the lights turn on and off. Being a little concerned for my health... I decided it might be wise to give the toaster a try, but shes right next to the microwave and apparently they're friends since she locked onto me when I inserted my baguette and burned it crispy (I guess she doesnt like me fooling around on Mikey).

I need serious advice, or I fear I may soon turn to condiments as a safe alternative (and as you know, they can be so cold). I just want a nice, serious relationship that can have a future and that will be accepted by my family! I need more advice o wise one!

(ps, can you pass the salt? mind if I lick that?)

signed,

Lesions from Liasons :(

(oh, and Occy, great thread! I've been laughing my asshole inside out reading these replies! :p )

Dear OM,

I have this problem, there's this food that I really like but I can't eat it. I mean I have eaten it, but for some reason I am not supposed to, its supposed to be bad for me or something? I don't get it? I was in my backyard yesterday, when out of nowhere this lady started yelling at me, said that isn't for me. But isn't this a free country come on? Anyways, she called me sick person, I found this rude, but I continued eating in her backyard, minding my own business.

I found this ladder and the next day she came after me with a broom. So, I lost it I yelled at her, "Can't I eat in peace I am hungry?" I mean birds are nice to look at....but I was starving. I need your help, people need to stop bothering me.
Dear Jim Crow,
at first i thought back yard was a pun, double entendre, and you meant a ladies.......well you get the picture. but since you are intent on stuffing your mouth full of shiny black feathers, scaly legs, little meat, and lots of parasites- here is my advice to you.
grab the ladies broom, and explain to her that broom waving doesnt do shit. its ony reserved for little peasant Czechoslovakian ladies in fairy tales. next, catch the bird, and stuff it with something, i dunno, carrots maybe. then, invite the broad to dinner, and make your move. older women are waay better in bed.

Dear OM

Who the FUCK ate my biscuit? Was it you? If it was, then you are a bastard.

Dear Occidio:

I have done as you said, and now my penis is dry itchy and flaking, my pillow is hard and sticky and scotchie has left me for comet's tube! I'm so alone in my apartment now, the spoons have all stopped speaking to me because they are all crusty and miss scotchie, and yesterday the bathtub stuck the drain up my ass because he missed comet and blamed his leaving on me!

I have become so desperate for sex that I have started seeing the microwave. This wouldnt be so bad... but every time we have sexual intercourse my penis swells up like a coke can with a muffin on top, I get giant red spots on my anus and when I blink the lights turn on and off. Being a little concerned for my health... I decided it might be wise to give the toaster a try, but shes right next to the microwave and apparently they're friends since she locked onto me when I inserted my baguette and burned it crispy (I guess she doesnt like me fooling around on Mikey).

I need serious advice, or I fear I may soon turn to condiments as a safe alternative (and as you know, they can be so cold). I just want a nice, serious relationship that can have a future and that will be accepted by my family! I need more advice o wise one!

(ps, can you pass the salt? mind if I lick that?)

signed,

Lesions from Liasons :(

(oh, and Occy, great thread! I've been laughing my asshole inside out reading these replies! :p )
Dear Cant Get Enough,
i suggest you take this problem over to the RejectRoyalty thread. there is a mrs. peechland, aka warrior maiden that can help you with this issue. watch out though, on a bad day she may sever your penis and shove a peasant up your ass.


now lets keep it clean for the children.

Dear OM

Who the FUCK ate my biscuit? Was it you? If it was, then you are a bastard.
Dear Colonel Sanders,
By biscuit, i am assuming you mean the type that comes with fried chicken, in a red and white striped bucket. now, as tempting and genetically appealing that this food may seem to you, RESIST IT. you , after all, like physics, and dont carry a gun. if you myust have some starch, look in your du rag, i bet there is some rye bread, just waiting.

Dear Cant Get Enough,
i suggest you take this problem over to the RejectRoyalty thread. there is a mrs. peechland, aka warrior maiden that can help you with this issue. watch out though, on a bad day she may sever your penis and shove a peasant up your ass.


now lets keep it clean for the children.
Good idea, Its been a while since I've gone in there...

First I have to get this damned shower plug out of my ass... you know, to make room for the peasants.

Dear Jim Crow,
at first i thought back yard was a pun, double entendre, and you meant a ladies.......well you get the picture. but since you are intent on stuffing your mouth full of shiny black feathers, scaly legs, little meat, and lots of parasites- here is my advice to you.
grab the ladies broom, and explain to her that broom waving doesnt do shit. its ony reserved for little peasant Czechoslovakian ladies in fairy tales. next, catch the bird, and stuff it with something, i dunno, carrots maybe. then, invite the broad to dinner, and make your move. older women are waay better in bed.

I was afraid you wouldn't understand :( . These are my friends that I am talking about, I am one of them, really. I can really fly, you should see me flapping my wings, flap....flap...flap. You can see, right now I am flying, soaring in the great blue sky. Anyways I...I digress, my friends understand. We hang out at parks together, beside ponds and rivers, in forests at farms. I only eat when I am hungry, but it gets me into trouble, you see I am endangered. I need protection, these people who gawk at my brothers and sisters, they are out to kill me. I NEED HELP. :(

How could you even suggest, me getting jiggy them folk? I'd be shunned by my people.

Please help me.

Sincerely, High in the sky.

Dear Colonel Sanders,
By biscuit, i am assuming you mean the type that comes with fried chicken, in a red and white striped bucket. now, as tempting and genetically appealing that this food may seem to you, RESIST IT. you , after all, like physics, and dont carry a gun. if you myust have some starch, look in your du rag, i bet there is some rye bread, just waiting.

How did you know that I hide rye bread in my du rag? Nobody knows that, not even my own mother! The question is however, where do I hide the lunchmeat and various other compliments that make up the contents of a sandwich?

I was afraid you wouldn't understand :( . These are my friends that I am talking about, I am one of them, really. I can really fly, you should see me flapping my wings, flap....flap...flap. You can see, right now I am flying, soaring in the great blue sky. Anyways I...I digress, my friends understand. We hang out at parks together, beside ponds and rivers, in forests at farms. I only eat when I am hungry, but it gets me into trouble, you see I am endangered. I need protection, these people who gawk at my brothers and sisters, they are out to kill me. I NEED HELP. :(

How could you even suggest, me getting jiggy them folk? I'd be shunned by my people.

Please help me.

Jim Crow.
Dear Flying High,
since you have been partaking of the green bud a little tooo often, and have gotten frequent flyer miles on your acid trips, i suggest you turn off the pink floyd, take off the greatful dead t shirt, and go to grandmas beach house. fresh air will clean you up for sure.

How did you know that I hide rye bread in my du rag? Nobody knows that, not even my own mother! The question is however, where do I hide the lunchmeat and various other compliments that make up the contents of a sandwich?
Dear Subway Rider,
i know, because i saw the collard greens stuck in your teeth. the ham is in your left air jordan, and the condiments are in your FUBU jacket pocket. peace out.


p.s. make sure you feed the crumbs to the pigeon boy on this thread.

Dear Subway Rider,
i know, because i saw the collard greens stuck in your teeth. the ham is in your left air jordan, and the condiments are in your FUBU jacket pocket. peace out.


p.s. make sure you feed the crumbs to the pigeon boy on this thread.

HA! I knew you were as fake as Ms Cleo! I don't own any air jordans or any FUBU products! Thought you could trick me eh?!? Seriously, how did you know I hid the rye bread in my du rag? I'm still confused! :confused:

Dear Occidio,
I've been looking around for a summer job, so that I don't fritter away four months of my life into idle oblivion, but have had no luck. I need tips on how, where, and who to get a job from!!!

Also, my leatherman is getting dull, what the hell do I do? I'm near despondance on this one.

Dear Occidio,
I've been looking around for a summer job, so that I don't fritter away four months of my life into idle oblivion, but have had no luck. I need tips on how, where, and who to get a job from!!!

Also, my leatherman is getting dull, what the hell do I do? I'm near despondance on this one.
Dear Dull Around the Edges,
first of all, that elatherman has a 25 year guarantee. so you needd to send itback to that sorry infomercial company that you bought it from, and raise hell. or, if you feel its a worthy part of your life, purchase a new model. perhaps a" kick "model. or the crunch. you could go full bore, and get the newest, latest, gayest, "juice" model, replete with matching screensaver.
as for your job, what god forasekn country do you live in where this four months of summer between semesters of school??? most likely the third world. no wonder they are behind, they are all lazy. if my thought about you hailing from some burg whre nothing except driving in a circle on a donkey is really exciting, i suggest prostitution. there is always some willing takers.

Dear Occidio,

I'm retarded.

<snip>
i suggest prostitution. there is always some willing takers.Somehow, I knew this would happen. ;)

Actually, I'm from Canada. There's only two terms of University in the regular year, and summerschool is for losers.

Somehow, I knew this would happen. ;)

Actually, I'm from Canada. There's only two terms of University in the regular year, and summerschool is for losers.
aint nothing wrong with heading down to toronto and whoring you ass on young street

...Who the hell are you? This is the ask Occidio thread, and I don't like your tone of voice.

Who the hell are you? This is the ask Occidio thread, and I don't like your tone of voice.

hey i'm just agreeing with the great ones advice, like a greek chorus or a trained crow.

Somehow, I knew this would happen. ;)

Actually, I'm from Canada. There's only two terms of University in the regular year, and summerschool is for losers.
oooohhhhhh. you are from THERE. thats explains a lot.

Who the hell are you? This is the ask Occidio thread, and I don't like your tone of voice.
sshhhh. first and last time i will get a gay nazi minnion. yum!!

Who the hell are you? This is the ask Occidio thread, and I don't like your tone of voice.
You're afraid he's gonna' be cruisin' down on Yonge a bit later to see if you're there? :)

Dear Occidio,

I'm retarded.
Dear Window Licker,
as a famed closet fascist with a eugenics program all worked out, here is my advice to you-

you're dead.

You're afraid he's gonna' be cruisin' down on Yonge a bit later to see if you're there? :)
always on the look out for fresh twinks

Dear Window Licker,
as a famed closet fascist with a eugenics program all worked out, here is my advice to you-

you're dead.
come on everyone wants their own crash helmet wearing special helper... we shouldn't kill them , we should selectively breed them as a valued subclass of society.

Dear Occidio,

Why am I so shy around women? Other than that im overweight, have only been on a couple dates in my entire life, and am a general pariah? Please help me with my self esteem problem.

Dear OM,
Everytime I turn on the news, I hear about some idiot from Florida making an ass of themself. Missing children, chads, serial rapists, the works. Now if I was back in my home state of Ohio, I would just laugh, but since I happen to live right on the border of Florida now, it's a little more close to home. (Pardon the Pun)
Anyway, my question is if there is any threat to my person given the near proximity of this defunct state. Am I going to start losing my teeth and chasing my sister? Is it possible that Florida could organize some sort of invasion and I could be dragged away to permanent enslavement? I mean, seriously, have you ever VISITED Florida?

Dear fluffalicious Occidio,

I'm quite a bit obsessed with fluff. On top of that, I like to laugh insanely and concider myself holy. (the latter gives me another reason to laugh insanely, btw) I view things from nearly endless amounts of perspectives, and according to a few of them, the most effective way of improving the world would be to kill either: 1. Everyone; 2. Everyone except people who are unusually non-ignorant and open-minded and capable of unusual amounts of logical thinking; 3. Everyone except non-NTs. (which would mean roughly 96.25% of the world's population would die)

I'm also of the opinion that, until I'm proven wrong, I can concider myself as immortal. (this gives me another reason to laugh insanely, btw) And in case you wonder, in atleast one of the examples of people to kill above, I am not included.

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you how useless I find most DSP processing software, as it introduces far too many artifacts into the processed signal, unless you tweak it according to every track you process.

Your nostrils forever unmentioned in salted fluffy bastads, (with extra sauce)
DIF.


PS. I also wanted to inform you of the fact that I just updated the Irrational Semi-insane Statements sub-section of a currently unnamed and more than slightly undefined part of my belief to include the fact that you are (from now on) concidered slightly holy according to my belief.

If your belief and thought patterns are compatible with a certain currently unnamed and more than slightly undefined part of fREaKy Belief v0.3.0 Alpha [unknown number], you should start laughing insanely pretty soon after reading this.


PPS. I would also appreciate if you decided to either include or not include (whatever you prefer) the following quote, said by a half-broken robot in an old Sega Mega Drive game: "screech... KILL... KILL...". Thank you in advance.

Dear OM,

You have seen me about for a while now. My question is simply this... What's wrong with me?

(I would like a full comprehensive report please)

SIncerely
me

Dear OM,

You have seen me about for a while now. My question is simply this... What's wrong with me?

(I would like a full comprehensive report please)

SIncerely
me
I'm telling you-mutton chops. It's the cure for what ailes you...

or, you know, what OM* says, since you did ask her...

...in her thread...

I'm just sayin'....they'd be cool...
(it may be my new life ambition to get you to grow mutton chops...)

*hey, thats the album where I first understood free jazz...

Dear Occidio,

After summer I'll start studying at Dental School, which I'm pretty happy about. However I know the course involves cutting up dead people at one point and frankly I find that really really really really creepy. Any reassuring advice for me?

Dear Occidio,

Why am I so shy around women? Other than that im overweight, have only been on a couple dates in my entire life, and am a general pariah? Please help me with my self esteem problem.
Dear Head In the Sand,

i dont know how old you are, but i am guessing that you arent over 25. because, apparently you havent been exposed to the sigh tof the short chubby bald guy in the club, with at least two hot chicks simpering over him. well, i have, and at almost 30, i figured out his secret bvy asking the felow chicks what it is that draws them to the situation.
obviously you just watch television, and have gained an aspect of "what women want" based on the anorexic, plastic surgercized, RICH fake women on drama/comedy/ sitcoms that you view. well, you are mistaken. here is what the real girls in life value. wait. first, get naked, then read this.
1.PULSE -have one? if not, report to my embalming table, stat!
2. TEETH- dont have to be all that straight, just brushed.
3.BASIC MANNERS- chew with your mouth closed? dont pick your nose?
4. PENIS- and no, size is not everything.
5.BRAIN- ever read a book, magazine or cnn . com? be prepared to talk about it.
6. EYES_ so you can look at her when you suggest to meet for coffee.
7. SENSE OF HUMOR- ever tell a joke? or laugh at your weak attempt totell one? there you go.
8. A CLUE- for this , please reference post one of this thread, and click on my two links for my recent advice.

now that you have been handled with kid gloves by the usual spiky occidio, you better appreciate it. and i want an update on what girl you asked out this week.

Dear Occidio,

My long hair just isn't practical and everyone says I should cut it. I'm starting to have serious doubts. Last month someone called me "miss". Should I cut it off?

Best regards,
Paul

Dear OM,
Everytime I turn on the news, I hear about some idiot from Florida making an ass of themself. Missing children, chads, serial rapists, the works. Now if I was back in my home state of Ohio, I would just laugh, but since I happen to live right on the border of Florida now, it's a little more close to home. (Pardon the Pun)
Anyway, my question is if there is any threat to my person given the near proximity of this defunct state. Am I going to start losing my teeth and chasing my sister? Is it possible that Florida could organize some sort of invasion and I could be dragged away to permanent enslavement? I mean, seriously, have you ever VISITED Florida?
Dear Hill Billy Hypochondriac,

I cannot believe you think this just happens all over the world. i live in california, home of the serial killer, and land of the rich people with really fucked up dysfunction behind closed doors. we also have every other state in the union, all of which house some seriously demented people, but apparently know on ething that Florida and most southern states have not: HOW TO KEEP A SECRET.
and by the way- Florida has Disneyworld, and key west.
you are worried that this may happen to you, because you live around them? well, let me ask you this- do you not put on deodorant because the jock at the gym has BO? do you masturabate with sand paper because they guy on the corner does? do you because gay, bisexual, transvestite, jehovahs witness, vegan, etc- because *gasp!* other people are? is you mind made of play-do? or steel?

Dear OM,

You have seen me about for a while now. My question is simply this... What's wrong with me?

(I would like a full comprehensive report please)

SIncerely
me
i will answer this one later

Dear Occidio,
everytime i invest some time in a well thought-out argument during a forum discussion the "opponent" flees. Should i stop wasting my time on useless pursuits or gloat in my superiour intellectual skills?

Dear fluffalicious Occidio,

I'm quite a bit obsessed with fluff. On top of that, I like to laugh insanely and concider myself holy. (the latter gives me another reason to laugh insanely, btw) I view things from nearly endless amounts of perspectives, and according to a few of them, the most effective way of improving the world would be to kill either: 1. Everyone; 2. Everyone except people who are unusually non-ignorant and open-minded and capable of unusual amounts of logical thinking; 3. Everyone except non-NTs. (which would mean roughly 96.25% of the world's population would die)

I'm also of the opinion that, until I'm proven wrong, I can concider myself as immortal. (this gives me another reason to laugh insanely, btw) And in case you wonder, in atleast one of the examples of people to kill above, I am not included.

I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you how useless I find most DSP processing software, as it introduces far too many artifacts into the processed signal, unless you tweak it according to every track you process.

Your nostrils forever unmentioned in salted fluffy bastads, (with extra sauce)
DIF.


PS. I also wanted to inform you of the fact that I just updated the Irrational Semi-insane Statements sub-section of a currently unnamed and more than slightly undefined part of my belief to include the fact that you are (from now on) concidered slightly holy according to my belief.

If your belief and thought patterns are compatible with a certain currently unnamed and more than slightly undefined part of fREaKy Belief v0.3.0 Alpha [unknown number], you should start laughing insanely pretty soon after reading this.


PPS. I would also appreciate if you decided to either include or not include (whatever you prefer) the following quote, said by a half-broken robot in an old Sega Mega Drive game: "screech... KILL... KILL...". Thank you in advance.
Dear Certifiably Insane Person,
This letter is a solemn testament to public education. you wre , in no doubt, the kid who ate paste, and told everyone his mom was dead. the mere mention of DSP attests to your badge of insanity, because the other crazy i know talks about assembly, all the time. i feel that personalities like your are more and more common in this computer dominated age. we have 14 million humans that, at the impressionable age of 13, started their inevitable demise viewing far too much ebaums world, strong bad, and atom films. pair that with too many RPG's , and not seeing your parents, save for the tv dinner your mom pushes under the door, and its a recipe for disaster. my adviice? read some literature. youknow, a book, with PAGES. not a technical manual, but anything on your high school required reading list. perhaps a newspaper, and an hour on a park bench per day, getting some fresh air , will help. if this doesnt work,move to australia. they are all crazy there.

Dear Occidio,

Whenever I travel to the nude beach, I am always very popular. I can carry two cups of coffee, one in each hand - and still pack a dozen donuts. I enjoy the attention almost as much as I enjoy the girl who gets the last donut... but I worry that the people on the beach think of me as little more than a donut rack. How can I test this theory? Perhaps by filling some of the donuts with an unpleasant substance such as simple green or clorox? I just want to see if it is only the donuts, or the donut rack that they are after.

Thanks,

Puckered Pastries in Penn. state.

(PS, would you like the last donut? its cream filled!)

I'm telling you-mutton chops. It's the cure for what ailes you...

or, you know, what OM* says, since you did ask her...

...in her thread...

I'm just sayin'....they'd be cool...
(it may be my new life ambition to get you to grow mutton chops...)

*hey, thats the album where I first understood free jazz...
any guy who has a category of facial hair to answer problems is number one in my book.
if i had a book.

Dear Occidio,

I'm secretly in love with this amazing woman, let's call her, Occardio Mulcrus. What can I do to make OM notice me?

Dear Occidio,

After summer I'll start studying at Dental School, which I'm pretty happy about. However I know the course involves cutting up dead people at one point and frankly I find that really really really really creepy. Any reassuring advice for me?
Dear Future Corpse- A holic,
Creepy? as in creepy? cadavers arent creepy, they are dead old guys. so have fun. at the very least, you can look up the story of Albert Fish online, and pretend its him you are dissecting. at the very most, you can pretend you have "an older man" fetish, and REALLY enjoy it. and , in the name of science, dont be such a wusyy. are you telling me you can lo ok at rotting enamel, infected gums,bad breath, and impacted molars, all while plotting to rip them out with pliers, but cant take a scalpel to a bloodless corpse? you have your priorities mixed up there, buddy.

Dear Occidio,

My long hair just isn't practical and everyone says I should cut it. I'm starting to have serious doubts. Last month someone called me "miss". Should I cut it off?

Best regards,
Paul
Dear Goldilocks Gone Goofy,
you were called miss , because you were wearing makeup, and kissing a boy. so cut that shit out. practical? what body is practical? you are a guy, so you have to be kidding to think your penis isnt the most impractical thing you own. it sticks out at inopportune times, needs to milked like a cow, cries for attention, and then once it gets it, cant stand up to pressure, your entire existence is defined by a fleshy appendage that cant be viewed in public, unless you want to appear in court on monday. once you examine that theory- your beautiful hair will look as handy as chopsticks in china. plus, yours truly finds guys with long hair to be supreme- look at the dude thread. now go deep condition.

Dear Occidio,
everytime i invest some time in a well thought-out argument during a forum discussion the "opponent" flees. Should i stop wasting my time on useless pursuits or gloat in my superiour intellectual skills?
Dear Third Reich Theologian,

they flee, because you are german, and the world has spent years and years cultivating an exteem irrational fear of that country. so here is what to do. (i do it, and do it quite beautifully) forget the well thought out argument. just pop into the thread with some deranged statement of your views, and make it sound really authoritarian. then when people call you a close minded bigot who has had his head in the sand , blah blah blah, tell them to fuck off. it works everytime for me.

I vill do zat! Sehr gut advize!

Dear Occidio,

Whenever I travel to the nude beach, I am always very popular. I can carry two cups of coffee, one in each hand - and still pack a dozen donuts. I enjoy the attention almost as much as I enjoy the girl who gets the last donut... but I worry that the people on the beach think of me as little more than a donut rack. How can I test this theory? Perhaps by filling some of the donuts with an unpleasant substance such as simple green or clorox? I just want to see if it is only the donuts, or the donut rack that they are after.

Thanks,

Puckered Pastries in Penn. state.

(PS, would you like the last donut? its cream filled!)
Dear Balls and Chain Bakery Boy,
try this on for size. i think you need to take off your darly tinted sungalsses, and get a load of who is actually on that beach. everyone knows only middele aged, (their uterus slack and distended from the births if three plus children) housewives, and ground dragging tittted grannies frequent naked beaches. if you can see them through the clouds of hairy chested and backed pudgy men. however, if thats what your into, and want to test the "will any broad, young or old , suck a dick" thoery, be my guess. jus put raw calimari rings on your spike, and see if there are any takers.

Dear Occidio,

I'm secretly in love with this amazing woman, let's call her, Occardio Mulcrus. What can I do to make OM notice me?

Dear Worshipper without Idol,
First,tell the bitch to spell her name right. its O-c-c-i-d-i-o M-u-l-t-u-s.
secondly, if you mean notice you in the forum, she will , she is all knowing. if you mean notice you, NOTICE you- like in the "noticing" way- i am not sure. not only does OM have a RL boyfriend who simply delightful (he is reading this), the love of my life (this week)and fills her days with the joys of what the norwegian culture has to offer (can anyone saymore!more!more!), she has a few friendships on NS that are well..........pushing outer limits of friendships.but hell, talk to me, i mean her, i am always willing to make you laugh, or vomit.

P.S. dont call it love.girls hate it when you come on strong.unless you are admiting to being a stalker. i love unhealthy obsessions.

Dear Balls and Chain Bakery Boy,
try this on for size. i think you need to take off your darly tinted sungalsses, and get a load of who is actually on that beach. everyone knows only middele aged, (their uterus slack and distended from the births if three plus children) housewives, and ground dragging tittted grannies frequent naked beaches. if you can see them through the clouds of hairy chested and backed pudgy men. however, if thats what your into, and want to test the "will any broad, young or old , suck a dick" thoery, be my guess. jus put raw calimari rings on your spike, and see if there are any takers.
Will do - Im going to Ibiza though, so I can taint the arrogant super-rich (and hot) girls of the world with my 'lower class' poor man seed. Sort of giving the cream of the crop, the cream of my crop - you know.

By my estimation, finding out their daughters are pregnant with my fould demon seed ought to wipe some of the smug look off of their whining rich parents faces. That is, after they charge that their caviar and champagne are not served at the correct temperature in a complaint about the state of the worlds demise. Shortly thereafter I shall piss in their patte, and wipe my bottom on their toast which will be served to them as nuttella on buttermilk.

Of course, I will have to record my actions on hi-8 and send it to their rich upper crust friends to make sure they events are truly life shattering.

Oh, and also - you never said whether or not you want this last donut? Really, its quite nice Occidio - I suggest you try it. :)

Will do - Im going to Ibiza though, so I can taint the arrogant super-rich (and hot) girls of the world with my 'lower class' poor man seed. Sort of giving the cream of the crop, the cream of my crop - you know.


Ibiza? super-rich girls of the world? LMAO! good luck with that!

Ibiza? super-rich girls of the world? LMAO! good luck with that!
(psst... it was a joke!) :p

(psst... it was a joke!) :p
phew! I was worried for a second there

reposted from another thread-I'm crazy, a fan of cartoons, an expert gamer, I have one nerdy mate (And thats it), I'm a 19 year old virgin, and A lot of people hate me for being myself.

I am your typical everyday nerd, and i'm sick of it. Reality sucks, and so does my life. I want somthing exiting to happen. Somthing fun. I'm sick of this endless routine.
YOU DIDNT BRING THIS STATEMENT TO THE "DEAR OCCIDIO THREAD"
and for good reason.
i am answering any way-
Dear Whining and Crying and Bitching and Moaning and Crying on the Floor and Feeling Sorry for Yourself,

leave the fucking house. take a shower, pull the plug on the pc, and ask a fucking girl out. she may say no. try agian. repeat. you could meet friends att the coffee shop, the internet cafe, or at college hangouts. maybe if you are seen in public, and make a tiny bit of effort to lt people know you a pu;se, and something to offer the world , you will friends!!! and girls!!!! life is not the perfect rpg where you always win. sometimes, you have to TRY!!!!!! and LEARN LESSONS!!!!!!!!!!! guys like you end up .....surprise !! alone!!! you, not a remote control and mouse, change your life. so get a grip. at 19, i cannot believe you arent figuring this out.

Will do - Im going to Ibiza though, so I can taint the arrogant super-rich (and hot) girls of the world with my 'lower class' poor man seed. Sort of giving the cream of the crop, the cream of my crop - you know.

By my estimation, finding out their daughters are pregnant with my fould demon seed ought to wipe some of the smug look off of their whining rich parents faces. That is, after they charge that their caviar and champagne are not served at the correct temperature in a complaint about the state of the worlds demise. Shortly thereafter I shall piss in their patte, and wipe my bottom on their toast which will be served to them as nuttella on buttermilk.

Of course, I will have to record my actions on hi-8 and send it to their rich upper crust friends to make sure they events are truly life shattering.

Oh, and also - you never said whether or not you want this last donut? Really, its quite nice Occidio - I suggest you try it. :)


(psst... it was a joke!)

good thing. :p

Dear Occidio,

I'm secretly in love with this amazing woman, let's call her, Occardio Mulcrus. What can I do to make OM notice me?
Whore. So much for wanting someone, let's call her, Siahune. So, f**k you, someone, let's call him, Junkabia.

Dear Occidio,


I collect scrotums from my enemies for a living, and I just cant find a practical stylish way to display them. I have them laying all over the house and I'd really like to bring them all together with my interior design. Do you have any ideas on how I can keep my precious treasure without having my guest run for the hills as soon as they enter? My latest piece was from a New Car Salesman in Atlanta. He couldnt quite give me the deal I needed Saturday, so I stole his pen and took his scrotum.

good thing. :p
Oh Im going to 'do it' Occidio - just not in Ibiza.

I was sneered at by a large group of rich snobites from the 'upper crust' of my community not very long ago - in such a way that I have never been treated by people of my own -ahem- 'low class' (who the fuck came up with these terms anyway?).

So, I have decided that any rich person who looks down on my being poor as some sort of defect, shall reap the full benefits of my discord. Whether it be poop in their nutella, a little extra 'cream' in their soup, or extra salt in their patte... I will have justice Occidio. Im tired of rich people thinking less of me simply because of my current social standings, denying my intellectual capacity and value based on the balance in my bank acount.

I work hard, I fuck hard, and I play dirty when I have to.

Muahahaha!!!

By the way, are you going to eat this donut or not? My pastry rack is becoming tired of carrying it apparently, and it is about to drop it, I can keep it up for a while - but without attention my rack is useless. Just give the donut a lick or something - see if you like it, if you do, great! Gobble away! If not, well, it wont be the first time someone couldnt reach the last donut - no harm done!

dEAR oCCIDIO mULTUS,
i tHINK i'M lOSING tHE pLOT. i'M tOO yOUNG. pLEASE hELP!!!

Dear Occidio,

I have this little problem. I refuse to suck up to those in power or to pretend I agree with a**holes to get ahead, and I use my mild-manner appearance to lull others into a feeling of security, before ripping their politics/opinions/actions/attitudes/fatasses to shreds. I can't seem to help myself! It's like I'm attracted to controversy despite the fact that my politics/opinions/actions/attitude/sweetass often ends up in trouble because of this inability to let things go. How can I cause less harmful ripples, without selling my soul?

Dear Occidio,


I collect scrotums from my enemies for a living, and I just cant find a practical stylish way to display them. I have them laying all over the house and I'd really like to bring them all together with my interior design. Do you have any ideas on how I can keep my precious treasure without having my guest run for the hills as soon as they enter? My latest piece was from a New Car Salesman in Atlanta. He couldnt quite give me the deal I needed Saturday, so I stole his pen and took his scrotum.
Dear Sundae, covered in Nuts and a Cherry, ( fuck,thats clever!!!!)

i would get those twinkle lights, and string them along the strand, and drape where needed. in time, they will dry up, and rattle in the breeze. or you could, for kicks, send the wrong scrotum back to the wrong owner, and laugh as they try to make it fit, or get sad, when they realize its too big. nothing like messing with their minds.

dEAR oCCIDIO mULTUS,
i tHINK i'M lOSING tHE pLOT. i'M tOO yOUNG. pLEASE hELP!!!
Dear 1337 speaker,
you should explain that a little better. too young for what???

Whore. So much for wanting someone, let's call her, Siahune. So, f**k you, someone, let's call him, Junkabia.

Dear Occidio,

I'm an incurable flirt and it seems to upset some women. Is flirting wrong?

Dear Occidio,

I have this little problem. I refuse to suck up to those in power or to pretend I agree with a**holes to get ahead, and I use my mild-manner appearance to lull others into a feeling of security, before ripping their politics/opinions/actions/attitudes/fatasses to shreds. I can't seem to help myself! It's like I'm attracted to controversy despite the fact that my politics/opinions/actions/attitude/sweetass often ends up in trouble because of this inability to let things go. How can I cause less harmful ripples, without selling my soul?
Dear Get a Grip or Aquire a Hole in the Head,

i think, for you, it starts in the bedroom. buy a dominatrix outfit, and a diaper for your husband. after long eves getting him to lick your boots, shave your privates, and bark like a dog, you wont want to be in charge anymore, in daily life. read a few nihilist books, have a few drinks every day, and soon, you wont care about anything except where the next laugh comes from.
the only ripples you should worry about are the ones from cellulite that all bitchy confronatational women seem to get, along with nasty facial lines, thin lips, and the general shrew like appearance.
if all else fails, move to europe. they are all like that over there.

Dear Worshipper without Idol,
First,tell the bitch to spell her name right. its O-c-c-i-d-i-o M-u-l-t-u-s.
secondly, if you mean notice you in the forum, she will , she is all knowing. if you mean notice you, NOTICE you- like in the "noticing" way- i am not sure. not only does OM have a RL boyfriend who simply delightful (he is reading this), the love of my life (this week)and fills her days with the joys of what the norwegian culture has to offer (can anyone saymore!more!more!), she has a few friendships on NS that are well..........pushing outer limits of friendships.but hell, talk to me, i mean her, i am always willing to make you laugh, or vomit.

P.S. dont call it love.girls hate it when you come on strong.unless you are admiting to being a stalker. i love unhealthy obsessions.

By the way, my grandfather was the first of his family to be born in the US. His family immigrated from Oslo. I actually had an opportunity to spend some time in Norway while in the military. Beautiful country. Learned conversational Norwegian (long time ago, not so good at it anymore) while I was there. Var der, gjorde det.

Dear Occidio,

I'm an incurable flirt and it seems to upset some women. Is flirting wrong?
Dear TiddlyWINK,

flirting isnt a bad thing, as long as its done well, and with the right women. that said, if you have any repercussions from verbal dalliances with members of the opposite sex, you need to re examine your tactics. dont say incurable. all it takes to cure that is dating a jealous female with a BDSM fetish, and you willbe fixed forever.

*the last donut hits the floor, along with a healthy smattering of cream filling... and Lasc begins to sing...*

LET THE DONUTS HIT THE FLOOR!!!
LET THE DONUTS HIT THE FLOOR!!!
LET THE DONUTS HIT THE FLOOR!!!

Sorry Occidio - no dice this time, Ill save a little donut for you the next go round though.

Hm, and as far as more advice from you almighty sage and pinnacle of wisdom, can you reccomend further ways in which to exact revenge upon rich simpletons who smite me? Or are the methods chosen sufficient for a good laugh?

Dear 1337 speaker,
you should explain that a little better. too young for what???

senility

Oh Im going to 'do it' Occidio - just not in Ibiza.

I was sneered at by a large group of rich snobites from the 'upper crust' of my community not very long ago - in such a way that I have never been treated by people of my own -ahem- 'low class' (who the fuck came up with these terms anyway?).

So, I have decided that any rich person who looks down on my being poor as some sort of defect, shall reap the full benefits of my discord. Whether it be poop in their nutella, a little extra 'cream' in their soup, or extra salt in their patte... I will have justice Occidio. Im tired of rich people thinking less of me simply because of my current social standings, denying my intellectual capacity and value based on the balance in my bank acount.

I work hard, I fuck hard, and I play dirty when I have to.

Muahahaha!!!

By the way, are you going to eat this donut or not? My pastry rack is becoming tired of carrying it apparently, and it is about to drop it, I can keep it up for a while - but without attention my rack is useless. Just give the donut a lick or something - see if you like it, if you do, great! Gobble away! If not, well, it wont be the first time someone couldnt reach the last donut - no harm done!
revenge is best , when tied up in the sweetest package. i like this. :)

senility
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8702216&postcount=87

is that your problem? if so- there is your answer.

if not- i need details.

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8702216&postcount=87

is that your problem? if so- there is your answer.

if not- i need details.

not really. i'm losing my memory, my ability to articulate.... and my back. at 20, that's not too fantastic

not really. i'm losing my memory, my ability to articulate.... and my back. at 20, that's not too fantastic
how much time are you online?

how much time are you online?

i can't remember

i can't remember
theres your problem right there. leave the house.

theres your problem right there. leave the house.

but it's such a scary world out there. who knows what might happen..... i might get a life :eek: , Lord knows i don't want that happening

but it's such a scary world out there. who knows what might happen..... i might get a life :eek: , Lord knows i don't want that happening
Come to White Rock and help me fuck with rich snobbites - god Im so sick and tired of the superiority crap that I get living in this 'upscale' neighborhood.

Dear Occidio:

what do you think the best way to smite someone for patronizing you by saying over and over how lucky I must be for moving away from my poor home into a suite in a rich area of town? Really, I want to hear some of the devious plans you can cook up! I think its time these rich bitch bastards got a taste of their own medicine!

but it's such a scary world out there. who knows what might happen..... i might get a life :eek: , Lord knows i don't want that happening
then dont complain :)

Come to White Rock and help me fuck with rich snobbites - god Im so sick and tired of the superiority crap that I get living in this 'upscale' neighborhood.

sure. why not? alright, i'm in.

Come to White Rock and help me fuck with rich snobbites - god Im so sick and tired of the superiority crap that I get living in this 'upscale' neighborhood.

Dear Occidio:

what do you think the best way to smite someone for patronizing you by saying over and over how lucky I must be for moving away from my poor home into a suite in a rich area of town? Really, I want to hear some of the devious plans you can cook up! I think its time these rich bitch bastards got a taste of their own medicine!
i hate stuck up people. but i will have to think on that a bit. why did you move there agian?

i hate stuck up people. but i will have to think on that a bit. why did you move there agian?
For work - White Rock is a nice town as far as the scenery - its a shame its infested with the stuck up-per crust of the lower mainland (at least its not as bad as West Van). It is a great place to live, great scenery and not a terribly far commute to my work.

I used to live in Interior BC (disregarding a short stint in Alberta, the asshole of Canada), I loved it, but low population density makes it hard to find work there. I now work in the lower mainland, and chose to live in White Rock because it is (for this area) the closest thing I can find to a small town feel. If I had known that some of the people were like this, I might have moved elsewhere - and its not that they're all bad - there are nice people too. Its just that the rich down here are that much richer, and I simply must smite them for their repeated attacks on my social status.

I refuse to move, because I won't let them beat me. I don't give up without a fight Occy - never. At least this way, if I move, I will be able to leave without my tail between my legs. The values they support are based on greed and immoral corruption of youth and free thinking. Im a hard working SOB with solid values and a firm love for family that most of these coke snorting Armani wearing fuckers will never understand. Snobby fuckers, I shall have the last laugh!!

sure. why not? alright, i'm in.
Glad to hear it! Lets cause some mayhem!

For work - White Rock is a nice town as far as the scenery - its a shame its infested with the stuck up-per crust of the lower mainland (at least its not as bad as West Van). It is a great place to live, great scenery and not a terribly far commute to my work.

I used to live in Interior BC (disregarding a short stint in Alberta, the asshole of Canada), I loved it, but low population density makes it hard to find work there. I now work in the lower mainland, and chose to live in White Rock because it is (for this area) the closest thing I can find to a small town feel. If I had known that some of the people were like this, I might have moved elsewhere - and its not that they're all bad - there are nice people too. Its just that the rich down here are that much richer, and I simply must smite them for their repeated attacks on my social status.

I refuse to move, because I won't let them beat me. I don't give up without a fight Occy - never. At least this way, if I move, I will be able to leave without my tail between my legs. The values they support are based on greed and immoral corruption of youth and free thinking. Im a hard working SOB with solid values and a firm love for family that most of these coke snorting Armani wearing fuckers will never understand. Snobby fuckers, I shall have the last laugh!!what you need is a nice English girl, maybe called.........Elly, give me a few minutes to think up a reason for how that'll help though

what you need is a nice English girl, maybe called.........Elly, give me a few minutes to think up a reason for how that'll help though
Haha! Ok! Think away! (I still want to hear Occy though - she cracks me up! I want this to be awesome!!)

Dear Worshipper without Idol,
First,tell the bitch to spell her name right. its O-c-c-i-d-i-o M-u-l-t-u-s.
secondly, if you mean notice you in the forum, she will , she is all knowing. if you mean notice you, NOTICE you- like in the "noticing" way- i am not sure. not only does OM have a RL boyfriend who simply delightful (he is reading this), the love of my life (this week)and fills her days with the joys of what the norwegian culture has to offer (can anyone saymore!more!more!), she has a few friendships on NS that are well..........pushing outer limits of friendships.but hell, talk to me, i mean her, i am always willing to make you laugh, or vomit.

P.S. dont call it love.girls hate it when you come on strong.unless you are admiting to being a stalker. i love unhealthy obsessions.

I can't even secretly call it love? I'm the king of unhealthy obsessions. I used to have an unhealthy obsession with masturbation, but then the girl who was letting me watch broke up with me.

For the record, you often make me laugh, but you have yet to make me vomit. Get to work.

Dear Occ, there's this uber-hot guy that I'm trying to convince that having a nice English girl around could somehow help him get back at some snobby people but I'm having difficulty coming up with a reason, can you think of anything?

Dear Occidio

What did I have for breakfast this morning? Perfectly valid question.

Dear Occ, there's this uber-hot guy that I'm trying to convince that having a nice English girl around could somehow help him get back at some snobby people but I'm having difficulty coming up with a reason, can you think of anything?

Ok, you made me choke on my wild cherry pepsi again.

Dear Occ, there's this uber-hot guy that I'm trying to convince that having a nice English girl around could somehow help him get back at some snobby people but I'm having difficulty coming up with a reason, can you think of anything?
Dear Tea Time Tart,
there is no better reason than a plane ticket. if the randyt canadian really wants all those boobs for the taking, he just need to fly you to his worrisome country- (at least they make syrup!) and use you up until you beg for your "knickers"back. then, you can concentrate on that whole rich person revenge thingamajggy

Dear Occidio,

I have a problem. I like having sex with girls. Lots of sex. However, frequently there is a problem with this, as many women are not accustomed to a man as...large...sexually as I am. Also, it is difficult purchasing pants that provide adequate room in that general region. It can be very frustrating. So my question is, what's your favorite color?

Ok, you made me choke on my wild cherry pepsi again.
:confused: sorry

Dear Occidio,

I have a problem. I like having sex with girls. Lots of sex. However, frequently there is a problem with this, as many women are not accustomed to a man as...large...sexually as I am. Also, it is difficult purchasing pants that provide adequate room in that general region. It can be very frustrating. So my question is, what's your favorite color?
Dear Bursting At The seams-
black. but you dont need pants at my house. see you in an hour, lover.

Dear Occ, there's this uber-hot guy that I'm trying to convince that having a nice English girl around could somehow help him get back at some snobby people but I'm having difficulty coming up with a reason, can you think of anything?
You can use your English accent and British wit to put down the snobs with ingenuosly phrased insults.

Haha! Ok! Think away! (I still want to hear Occy though - she cracks me up! I want this to be awesome!!)
ok the reason is, I.......I mean she can use her English accent and British wit to put down the snobs with ingenuosly phrased insults.

Dear Occidio

What did I have for breakfast this morning? Perfectly valid question.
Dear Havent a Clue, and Not Getting One Any time soon,
perhaps you eyes are bleary from too much online porn viewing. let me update you- this is an advice thread, not a psychic hotline. i am not a crazy gypsy with a sparkly scarf, long nails and a crystal ball with a penchant for ripping you off, then copping a feel when i tell you a dead ancestor is trying to touch you personally.i just give advice.
what should you have had for breakfast? well, i went t work at 3 am, so i had a big tall appreciative guy. he tasted yum. maybe you should try the same.

You can use your English accent and British wit to put down the snobs with ingenuosly phrased insults.
are you crazy ? do you want to lose a limb??? startyour own advice thread!!!

Ok Tink, sounds sexcellent to me. Though I am poor remember, and cannot afford plane tickets - so you may have a long swim ahead of you, but Ill meet you at the docks with a towel and a smile. (How romantic!) :)

Occy, thank you for calling me 'yum' that was very kind of you. Oh, and don't worry - I was getting tired of the psychic gypsy thing anyway - we can do something different tonight.

are you crazy ? do you want to lose a limb??? startyour own advice thread!!!
Well, that's part of my problem. You see... I wanted to ask for some advice, but then got sidetracked, I get sidetracked too easily (I should be working now, for example), and instead meddled into other people's affairs, which I also do all too often.

I think part of the reason I do that is because I often feel neglected. For example, some time ago I sent the following question to an advice thread (which shall remain nameless to avoid embarrassment):


Dear O******,

Sometimes I feel disgruntled, then I get to the coffee shop, but sometimes they don't have the coffee I like and I feel more disgruntled.

My question is: is it me or is everybody really that stupid?


And it went completely ignored!!

Mmmh, so... any advice you can give me?

Ok Tink, sounds sexcellent to me. Though I am poor remember, and cannot afford plane tickets - so you may have a long swim ahead of you, but Ill meet you at the docks with a towel and a smile. (How romantic!) :)

Occy, thank you for calling me 'yum' that was very kind of you. Oh, and don't worry - I was getting tired of the psychic gypsy thing anyway - we can do something different tonight.
it's ok, I'll steal a plane

Well, that's part of my problem. You see... I wanted to ask for some advice, but then got sidetracked, I get sidetracked too easily (I should be working now, for example), and instead meddled into other people's affairs, which I also do all too often.

I think part of the reason I do that is because I often feel neglected. For example, some time ago I sent the following question to an advice thread (which shall remain nameless to avoid embarrassment):



And it went completely ignored!!

Mmmh, so... any advice you can give me?
i am actually sorry, i try to answer everyone- advice
wait for me to get finished arterailly embalming, and i will give yo a good long letter.

it's ok, I'll steal a plane
Ok, Ill steal an airport. :)

Ok, Ill steal an airport. :)
great!






just one problem..........

Dear Occ, how do I steal a plane?

Dear Occy...
Q1: How serious shall I go? Ok answered that one myself.

Q2: I like I guy...he likes me. All well and good. We have known each other for several years...ok, we knew each other for a week at a time several years ago for a couple of years, passed the odd word over msn for 4 years, then really hit it off...since wow..Valentines day of all days. It was more friendly sort of banter, got serious, so took a step back then plunged head first. In that time I came back to England, and he came back south. Even so..it was a long train ride to meet him and we talked...and talked...and talked. Since then I've got a 5 days a week job and he's flown back to Uni in Scotland. We both feel like idiots for not even kissing properly, but we're both terribly intraverted people, and I worry that if I spend the one and a half week's wages getting up there by train and plane for two nights that it will be just as awkward...not to mention not being sure if my overprotective parents will let me go, especially 'without' accommodation booked.
Should I wait until he's back...which won't be for another couple of months, try to get another day off work so I get the 20 quid cheaper flight...which would lose me around 20 quid in earnings, or try to just fly out for those two nights on the auspicious day of Friday the 13th?

Q3: I feel I'm getting used by guys (& gals) over the net. Ok sad, but true. I have one of those personalities that is either stubbon as a rock or easily persuaded. I only enjoy it somewhat, and feel a little guilty cos of 2. Do I want an answer here?

Q4: is this too many questions?

Q5: Marmite: is it really a love it or hate it question?

Dear Occ, how do I steal a plane?
With difficulty?

Dear Occ, how do I steal a plane?

With style, dear, always with style.

EDIT: Why does everything that's said with a English accent sound so damn intelligent... AND EVIL? Think about it. How many movies have Englishmen as villians?

Dear Occ, how do I steal a plane?
hide it between your breasts. i am sure there is a pilot in there, as well.

Dear OM,

You have seen me about for a while now. My question is simply this... What's wrong with me?

(I would like a full comprehensive report please)

SIncerely
mei will answer this one later
*Waits for my answer....* :p

hide it between your breasts. i am sure there is a pilot in there, as well.
lmao! thanks

hide it between your breasts. i am sure there is a pilot in there, as well.
dear occ,
could you possibly use the words breast, penis, sex and vagina more often?

Dear Hill Billy Hypochondriac,
Snip!
Dear OM, Thank you. You have exceeded my expectations in expert advice. And to answer your question. Yes. I do all those things, just because everyone's doing it.

*Waits for my answer....* :p
a full comprehensive report takes time.....i am actually WRITING ONE, BRANIN!!!!!

Well, that's part of my problem. You see... I wanted to ask for some advice, but then got sidetracked, I get sidetracked too easily (I should be working now, for example), and instead meddled into other people's affairs, which I also do all too often.

I think part of the reason I do that is because I often feel neglected. For example, some time ago I sent the following question to an advice thread (which shall remain nameless to avoid embarrassment):
Originally Posted by Iztatepopotla
Dear O******,

Sometimes I feel disgruntled, then I get to the coffee shop, but sometimes they don't have the coffee I like and I feel more disgruntled.

My question is: is it me or is everybody really that stupid?




And it went completely ignored!!

Mmmh, so... any advice you can give me?
Dear Juan Valdez,
its you. its REALLY you. what kind of coffee do you like that a coffee shop wouldnt have? semen flavored? if thats the case , make your own. other than, if you cant decide on regular, decaf, hazelnut, irish creme, rasberry mocha. rwanda rain forest, slovakian genocide , vanilla ice, or one of the other 2,367,890 flavors that they have, you need to cut down your lithium dose.

Dear Juan Valdez,
its you. its REALLY you. what kind of coffee do you like that a coffee shop wouldnt have? semen flavored? if thats the case , make your own. other than, if you cant decide on regular, decaf, hazelnut, irish creme, rasberry mocha. rwanda rain forest, slovakian genocide , vanilla ice, or one of the other 2,367,890 flavors that they have, you need to cut down your lithium dose.

* Fade from black to black and white scene of Iztatepopotla walking on a bridge and looking sadly towards the drop below.

* Voice Over: I used to be a loser, nothing was going right for me. I was a 290 pound weakling, losing my hair, cavities, a lousy job, and no woman would even look my way.

* Cut to B&W interior Iztatepopotla drinking from a bottle of rum.

* VO: I didn't know what to do. I sought refuge in cheap liquor and drugs. I just wanted the days to meld into a drunken haze and just pass me by.

* Cut to B&W int Iztatepopotla writing a letter, it starts "Dear Occidio"

* VO: I was desperate. I decided to write Occidio Multus as a last resource measure...

* Cut to a color scene of green mountains against a blue sky

* VO: Thanks to that my life took a complete turn. I lost 170 pounds, grew hair back and my smile is made of straight, white teeth. Even my tastebuds came back.

* Pan to show Iztatepopotla running happily up the hillside towards the camera.

* VO: I got a raise and bought two companies, women can't get enough of me and my social life is full. And all to that simple, desperate letter.

* In camera, smiling Iztatepopotla looking directly to the camera.

Iztatepopotla: Thank you, Occidio. You saved my life.

* Fade to white.

yes. i did. nice film, by the way. you forgot the part where they elect me president of the world, though.

Dear Occidio,

Why the hell aren't you online? I'm bored; I need someone to entertain me. Also, on a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, ten being the highest, how much do you want to sleep with me?

Dear Occidio,

Thanks for the decorating tips......the house looks splendid. I even had enough left over to make some placemats.....
Another question, recently, I've been trying to persuade Mr Peechland to wear an eyepatch to bed and say things like "HARGH". He seems puzzled by my requests and is reluctant to do so. How can I ensure that he will honor my requests from now on?

Dear Occidio,

Do they make donuts with bigger holes in the center? I tried this suggestion by a mate of mine named, Lasc, for a donut holder but the biggest holes in any donut I could find were too small by more than half. Do you have any alternative suggestions?

EDIT: As Tink says, I feel kind of left out because I never have any donuts handy while I'm trying to carry two mugs.

Dear Occidio,

Do they make donuts with bigger holes in the center? I tried this suggestion by a mate of mine named, Lasc, for a donut holder but the biggest holes in any donut I could find were too small by more than half. Do you have any alternative suggestions?



Dear Occidio,

Why dont more men have this same problem?

Dear Occ, everyone wants doughnuts and I wanna help them out by having a few handy but I don't have the correct equipment to hold onto them, i tried putting them in a box but it was just too small, I feel kinda left out, please help :(

Dear Occidio,

Why dont more men have this same problem?

I do.

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8702991&postcount=122

Dear Occidio,

Why the hell aren't you online? I'm bored; I need someone to entertain me. Also, on a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, ten being the highest, how much do you want to sleep with me?

Dear Bored in Beantown, (HOME OF THE WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX AND PATRIOTS) (beat that!!!)
i am not on online because fragmented conversation drives me crazy. i have my apprentice helping me with a cancer patient, and he keeps screwing up, causing me to leave my pc often. what a bastard.
if you are looking for entertainment- either check the adult entertainers section in the yellow pages, or go here (www.ogrish.com) or even here (http://www.atomfilms.com) . ill give the sexusal fantstsy a ten, but the actual reality that i would do it a two. i have a bf, and he is one here. ha.

Dear Bored in Beantown, (HOME OF THE WORLD CHAMPION RED SOX AND PATRIOTS) (beat that!!!)
i am not on online because fragmented conversation drives me crazy. i have my apprentice helping me with a cancer patient, and he keeps screwing up, causing me to leave my pc often. what a bastard.
if you are looking for entertainment- either check the adult entertainers section in the yellow pages, or go here (www.ogrish.com) or even here (http://www.atomfilms.com) . ill give the sexusal fantstsy a ten, but the actual reality that i would do it a two. i have a bf, and he is one here. ha.

That website is hideous. Thank you.

I do.

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8702991&postcount=122


*drool*

You know I substitute for Occy when she's busy? ;)

Dear Occidio,

Thanks for the decorating tips......the house looks splendid. I even had enough left over to make some placemats.....
Another question, recently, I've been trying to persuade Mr Peechland to wear an eyepatch to bed and say things like "HARGH". He seems puzzled by my requests and is reluctant to do so. How can I ensure that he will honor my requests from now on?
Dear Wants Some Booty on the High Seas,
Mr. peechland just needs to view you in a frilly white pirate shirt, no buttons, some thigh hi striped stockings, a black thong, and a head scarf. this sight should get him a wooden leg in about three seconds.

Dear Occidio,

Do they make donuts with bigger holes in the center? I tried this suggestion by a mate of mine named, Lasc, for a donut holder but the biggest holes in any donut I could find were too small by more than half. Do you have any alternative suggestions?

EDIT: As Tink says, I feel kind of left out because I never have any donuts handy while I'm trying to carry two mugs.
Dear Dunkin More than the Donuts,

i cannot continue to answer pastry questions that have to do with body parts. food and skin freak me out. call me a prude, but i make up for the no whipped cream rule in other ways. i can say though, that the reject thread has produced some hideous, yet admirable fetishes. have fun you guys.

Dear Wants Some Booty on the High Seas,
Mr. peechland just needs to view you in a frilly white pirate shirt, no buttons, some thigh hi striped stockings, a black thong, and a head scarf. this sight should get him a wooden leg in about three seconds.


LMAO....I am soooo getting that outfit.




Is this not the best thread ever?

LMAO....I am soooo getting that outfit.




Is this not the best thread ever?

I demand pictures.

Dear Occidio,

Why dont more men have this same problem?
Dear Wishing for Coke and Muffins,

any girl that does Kegel exercises finds that every man feels way too big. start practicing ;)

I demand pictures.


I owe you one anyway.

Dear Occ, everyone wants doughnuts and I wanna help them out by having a few handy but I don't have the correct equipment to hold onto them, i tried putting them in a box but it was just too small, I feel kinda left out, please help :(
Dear Eager to Please in England,

listen, kid. if , perhaps you stopped giving everyone what they wanted- donuts, boob shots, fluffling, etc. , and concentrated on what YOU wanted, you just may end up with an answer. and that anwer is the reject royalty thread, linked in my sig. people that play on there, with donuts, and flagpoles, and sabers and peasant blood are waaaay cooler than paradiseclub members.until you join, and up your wicked factor by about 10, i cant let you in on the donut secrets.

Dear Eager to Please in England,

listen, kid. if , perhaps you stopped giving everyone what they wanted- donuts, boob shots, fluffling, etc. , and concentrated on what YOU wanted, you just may end up with an answer. and that anwer is the reject royalty thread, linked in my sig. people that play on there, with donuts, and flagpoles, and sabers and peasant blood are waaaay cooler than paradiseclub members.until you join, and up your wicked factor by about 10, i cant let you in on the donut secrets.
but can the Queen of General be in the Reject Royalty?

Dear Occidio.

I want to crush and destroy things to vent my inordinate amount of stress, but everything nearby is worth something or will break and cause my physical pain. What's something that won't shatter into my hands and hurt me, but at the same time has a total worth to me of about nothing that I'll be able to find about the house that I can destroy?

but can the Queen of General be in the Reject Royalty?
dump the queen of general moniker. its way over rated.

in the last month, i've averaged probably about 3 hours of sleep a night. the only times i sleep a full 8-10 is when sharon is in the bed with me. there's a question in there somewhere.

dump the queen of general moniker. its way over rated.
but I like being Queen of General..........

Dear Occidio,

Does size really matter? If so is length or girth more important? I'm talking about necks, of course. My, uh, neck is really thick but not particularly long. I think some women find this intimidating. What can I do to pursuade them to kiss me on my... neck?

EDIT: Why does everything that's said with a English accent sound so damn intelligent... AND EVIL? Think about it. How many movies have Englishmen as villians?
If I answer this question will you answer mine at the top of page 10?

*spins around in big black computer chair, stroking parrot*
The simple reason, Mr. Jocabia, is that everyone loves to hate the English. If you want a good slow voice, which can impersonate another evil accent you cannot go wrong with the English. Although I've heard French is currently in demand.


Of course Mr. Bond is not English. Scot-Swiss in fact...

If I answer this question will you answer mine at the top of page 10?

*spins around in big black computer chair, stroking parrot*
The simple reason, Mr. Jocabia, is that everyone loves to hate the English. If you want a good slow voice, which can impersonate another evil accent you cannot go wrong with the English. Although I've heard French is currently in demand.


Of course Mr. Bond is not English. Scot-Swiss in fact...
he cant answer your question in MY thread. have some patience.

Dear Occidio,

What's the best way to eat a kiwi fruit? I've seen it being eaten in so many ways, and now I'm insecure

Thanks,
A Scorpio

Dear Occy...
Q1: How serious shall I go? Ok answered that one myself.

Q2: I like I guy...he likes me. All well and good. We have known each other for several years...ok, we knew each other for a week at a time several years ago for a couple of years, passed the odd word over msn for 4 years, then really hit it off...since wow..Valentines day of all days. It was more friendly sort of banter, got serious, so took a step back then plunged head first. In that time I came back to England, and he came back south. Even so..it was a long train ride to meet him and we talked...and talked...and talked. Since then I've got a 5 days a week job and he's flown back to Uni in Scotland. We both feel like idiots for not even kissing properly, but we're both terribly intraverted people, and I worry that if I spend the one and a half week's wages getting up there by train and plane for two nights that it will be just as awkward...not to mention not being sure if my overprotective parents will let me go, especially 'without' accommodation booked.
Should I wait until he's back...which won't be for another couple of months, try to get another day off work so I get the 20 quid cheaper flight...which would lose me around 20 quid in earnings, or try to just fly out for those two nights on the auspicious day of Friday the 13th?

Q3: I feel I'm getting used by guys (& gals) over the net. Ok sad, but true. I have one of those personalities that is either stubbon as a rock or easily persuaded. I only enjoy it somewhat, and feel a little guilty cos of 2. Do I want an answer here?

Q4: is this too many questions?

Q5: Marmite: is it really a love it or hate it question?
Dear Not Sure OIf Anything At ALL,
question 2- well. you meta boy, did you? and you liked him when you talked in person, huh? sounds LIKE A GOOD THING. szo you didnt kiss properly? well thats just stupid, as i am a person who tends to seal the deal with a nice all-nighter. hbowever, i would not go for two days anywhere. it simply isnt enough time to do anything, except worry about how its only two days. so i would wait until summer break, or tantalize him with emailed puctures of your breasts until he comes to see you. then you know he is serious.
question 3- i could answer this better if you let me know the details of "taking advantage" .are you sending people money? or are you becoming everyones chat girlfriend? is it a mixture of both? let me know....
question4- its not too many questions, but it sure as hell is nt enough details. work on that, willl you?
question5- if i , an american had any idea what the hell marmite was, i could telll you. but since it sounds english, its probally gross.

Dear Occidio,

What's the best way to eat a kiwi fruit? I've seen it being eaten in so many ways, and now I'm insecure

Thanks,
A Scorpio
Dear Fruity AND Nutty,
first of all, let me state, i would never in my life consume a fruit that is covered in hair, and resembles a testicle.i prefer the real thing. and even then ,i dont ACTUALLY eat it....well you get the point.
i think your insecurity may stem not from the ignorance on how to eat the kiwi, but rather that you may be comparing yourself to the kiwi. so, wipe off the green face paint, and dont worry. you are measuring up JUST fine.


btw- did you get the ayreon song?

Dear Occidio,

Does size really matter? If so is length or girth more important? I'm talking about necks, of course. My, uh, neck is really thick but not particularly long. I think some women find this intimidating. What can I do to pursuade them to kiss me on my... neck?
Dear Trouser Snake,
nothing intimidates a real woman.
the saying is, its all in what you do with it. but since you are asking me how you can persuade the ladies to venture into your nether regions, i sense you have no clue what you are doing. there is a cure, though, that emboldens even the most clueless man- its called Beer. get some, drink it,whilst in a public place, and you will suddenly gain the smarmy skills of a smooth talking superhero. if you experiment with the correct dosage, you may get a romp in , before you puke on her lap.

I didn't mean to say he should answer...*blush*

Chat gf? Maybe that's a way of putting it...but certainly not everyone.

*checks off another day off the calender* I doubt I'll go. Travel agent said 100 quid for flights if I stay one night. :(

Marmite is yeast extract. Supposedly you either love it or hate it.

What's your favourite tattoo
a) on you?
b) on someone else?

Will a curious personality get me into trouble one day?

Edit: Why is being a 'Scorpio' significant to Mr.Kiwi-eating-person?

Dear Occidio,

Will you hit me in my left eye with a baseball bat? The eyelid won't stop twitching uncontrolably, and it is extremely annoying. It would be much appreciated. Thanks.

btw- did you get the ayreon song?
Alas... The other dudes aren't sharing it :(

Dear leader of the Kazoo,

please see the following....
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8717504&postcount=1246


Dear Occidio,

Whats the best way to remove blood stains?

I didn't mean to say he should answer...*blush*

Chat gf? Maybe that's a way of putting it...but certainly not everyone.

*checks off another day off the calender* I doubt I'll go. Travel agent said 100 quid for flights if I stay one night. :(

Marmite is yeast extract. Supposedly you either love it or hate it.

What's your favourite tattoo
a) on you?
b) on someone else?

Will a curious personality get me into trouble one day?

Edit: Why is being a 'Scorpio' significant to Mr.Kiwi-eating-person?
Dear Girl In a Box,
no blushing allowed. i was just messing with you.
and stop the chat thing. its bad. stay here , on NS, ALL DAY! for sure you wont get taken messed around with. if you need to pleasure somethingin your neurons, related to internet dating, sex, or just plain fun, check out the reject link in my sig, and go join. you can have 4 or 5 boyfriends on there that wont take advantage of you, just cover you in something gooey.
and dont go. you cant possibly have only one night of good sex for 100 quid.
yeast extract???? that just makes me think of well, yeast infections. and who wants to think of cottage cheese panties? ugh!!!
my favorite tattoo on myself would be the ouroubouros (snake wiith its tail in its mouth) around my thigh. a person very close drew it for me, and has the same one on his arm. so, on someone else, there is your answer.
a curious personality, when tempered with basic common sense, can enrich your life experience. just dont be curious about high cliffs, and explosives.
i dunno. he is, apparently , a scorpio. and they are sex addicts. i know the type. ;)

Dear Occidio,

Will you hit me in my left eye with a baseball bat? The eyelid won't stop twitching uncontrolably, and it is extremely annoying. It would be much appreciated. Thanks.
Dear Arch Evil Eyeball,
normally, i would like inflicting pain onanother. biut i like you, and think you are wicked cute. so, i devised a cure for you- sex with a certain person whose company you will be in this weekend who will be enebriated enought to admit her longtime crush on you. name is like...uuhhh...something italian, strted with an "m"...you know...uuuuuhhh...
anyhow, that should stop your twitch.

I've heard too many coroner's description of the state of the body after jumping so I have no inclination to investigate the big tall cliff nearby.

On the other note:
I'm a scorpio, and as far as I know, am not a sex addict. Is this a problem?

Dear Arch Evil Eyeball,
normally, i would like inflicting pain onanother. biut i like you, and think you are wicked cute. so, i devised a cure for you- sex with a certain person whose company you will be in this weekend who will be enebriated enought to admit her longtime crush on you. name is like...uuhhh...something italian, strted with an "m"...you know...uuuuuhhh...
anyhow, that should stop your twitch.

Indeed. Although I don't think I'm going to be in her company until next weekend, unfortunately.

Dear Trouser Snake,
nothing intimidates a real woman.
the saying is, its all in what you do with it. but since you are asking me how you can persuade the ladies to venture into your nether regions, i sense you have no clue what you are doing. there is a cure, though, that emboldens even the most clueless man- its called Beer. get some, drink it,whilst in a public place, and you will suddenly gain the smarmy skills of a smooth talking superhero. if you experiment with the correct dosage, you may get a romp in , before you puke on her lap.

Dear Occidio,

I was unclear. My problem is not getting to use my, uh, neck with women but in getting them to lick and/or suck on my, uh, neck.

Dear Occidio,

I was unclear. My problem is not getting to use my, uh, neck with women but in getting them to lick and/or suck on my, uh, neck.
Maybe you should be more patient instead of pushing her head to your......head

Maybe you should be more patient instead of pushing her head to your......head

I am patient. I'm not pushing anyone to do anything, I'm just pointing out that this is a longstanding problem with multiple women, all joking aside.

I am patient. I'm not pushing anyone to do anything, I'm just pointing out that this is a longstanding problem with multiple women, all joking aside.


why wont they suck your neck? does your neck look funny or something?

a full comprehensive report takes time.....i am actually WRITING ONE, BRANIN!!!!!
Nice.........

:fluffle: For OM

Dear Occidio Multus,
I have become hopelessly addicted to your advice column. I can't stop reading as you selflessly bash and insult all the desperate people you "help". I don't know if you remember, but I wrote you just so I could also receive this punishment, also. Am I sick? Should I be seeking more continuous help? Is this normal?

Dear Occidio,

A really cool girl suggested a couple of songs to me and now I'm trying to download them. I've been trying for 3 days now and I still have nothing. Could you please help me out? The band's name was ayreon.

Thanks,
A musician

I am patient. I'm not pushing anyone to do anything, I'm just pointing out that this is a longstanding problem with multiple women, all joking aside.

You know, this has been a problem ever since Chappaquiddick. No woman wants to get her head stuck under the steering wheel.

Dear Occidio Multus,
I have become hopelessly addicted to your advice column. I can't stop reading as you selflessly bash and insult all the desperate people you "help". I don't know if you remember, but I wrote you just so I could also receive this punishment, also. Am I sick? Should I be seeking more continuous help? Is this normal?
Wait. for real, did you ask me a question???? tell me what post. i answer all.

Dear Occidio,

A really cool girl suggested a couple of songs to me and now I'm trying to download them. I've been trying for 3 days now and I still have nothing. Could you please help me out? The band's name was ayreon.

Thanks,
A musician
Dear Music To My Ears,

hmmm. i own everything arjen luccasen has put on CD, so as for the downloading i am not sure. i dont even download- but doesnt everyone use soulseek? he is dutch though, so he shouldnt be too difficult to find in the record shop. The Human Equation is the name of the Ayreon project CD. also, Into the Electric castle is worthy. jeez. i couldnt even be a wiseass on this letter, paul. :)

Dear Music To My Ears,

hmmm. i own everything arjen luccasen has put on CD, so as for the downloading i am not sure. i dont even download- but doesnt everyone use soulseek? he is dutch though, so he shouldnt be too difficult to find in the record shop. The Human Equation is the name of the Ayreon project CD. also, Into the Electric castle is worthy. jeez. i couldnt even be a wiseass on this letter, paul. :)
MUAHAHAHAH!

I beat Linda :p :fluffle:

And I'll check out the record stores. Thanks again! ;)

Still waiting for your sage-like advice.

Dear Occidio Multus,
I have become hopelessly addicted to your advice column. I can't stop reading as you selflessly bash and insult all the desperate people you "help". I don't know if you remember, but I wrote you just so I could also receive this punishment, also. Am I sick? Should I be seeking more continuous help? Is this normal?
Dear Hoplessly Devoted To ME,
to answer this question- i do remember you now. you were the one afraid of becoming a Floridian. you are addicted my column? no surprise there, my fans are legion. are you sick? as in your physical self is torn asunder every time you sign off NS? nah. i have that effect. if you want to seek more help- feel free. i will enjoy belittling, berating and abusing your delicate sense each and every time.


ps- are you really like, a FAN?? do you actually worship me??? are you hot and willing to be a sex sla....i mean , *cough*, helper?

I am patient. I'm not pushing anyone to do anything, I'm just pointing out that this is a longstanding problem with multiple women, all joking aside.
Dear Seriously, I Have a Fetish and Want it Fullfilled,

as you may guess, i just say whatever the hell is on my mind, and hope for the best.its like drunk driving. i always getto my destination, just sometimes with crappy results. i also have the tendency to bring that out in other people, so, let me tell i have had many conversations (much like discussing the weather) with guys, about what they want. it makes things a lot easier. many people have this idea of movie sex, when both parties know what each other wants and everything goes really well. thats just not real life. its more like, the bra never unsnaps until the 14 th try, and the girl never stops trying to suck her stomach in, and keep things covered up, even though its dark, the guy cantfigure out how to put on a condom, and spends 10 good minutes wondering if it sounds too gross to ask it if she "wants it doggy style?" "is there another way to say that nicely??". the music is alwaysbad, the bed always creaks, there is never candles, and usually both parties are drunk. in fact, sex the first 10 times with a person is like trying to shove a brick through ones forehead. sex is not nice, or convient, and takes work to make it happen the way you want. so, next time you are making out with a chick- tell her, in sultry , whispered tones, close to her ear as you kiss HER neck- "you know, it would drive me crazy if....." and there you have it. easy stuff.

ps- are you really like, a FAN?? do you actually worship me??? are you hot and willing to be a sex sla....i mean , *cough*, helper?

Dear OM,
I have indeed been watching your posts. They always seem to make me laugh because you usually leave someone with their head torn off. I am, however, already pledged to a Goddess, although she is rumored to share her worshippers if you were to ask her nicely. And I even invited you to stay and play the other day in Kazoo. *shrugs*

Dear Seriously, I Have a Fetish and Want it Fullfilled,

as you may guess, i just say whatever the hell is on my mind, and hope for the best.its like drunk driving. i always getto my destination, just sometimes with crappy results. i also have the tendency to bring that out in other people, so, let me tell i have had many conversations (much like discussing the weather) with guys, about what they want. it makes things a lot easier. many people have this idea of movie sex, when both parties know what each other wants and everything goes really well. thats just not real life. its more like, the bra never unsnaps until the 14 th try, and the girl never stops trying to suck her stomach in, and keep things covered up, even though its dark, the guy cantfigure out how to put on a condom, and spends 10 good minutes wondering if it sounds too gross to ask it if she "wants it doggy style?" "is there another way to say that nicely??". the music is alwaysbad, the bed always creaks, there is never candles, and usually both parties are drunk. in fact, sex the first 10 times with a person is like trying to shove a brick through ones forehead. sex is not nice, or convient, and takes work to make it happen the way you want. so, next time you are making out with a chick- tell her, in sultry , whispered tones, close to her ear as you kiss HER neck- "you know, it would drive me crazy if....." and there you have it. easy stuff.

See, again, you ignored the question. I am very open with women. I have no problem discussing sex or finding out what she likes or dislikes. I'm well aware of the issues involved in donning a condom and all of the other issues that pop up. I am very clear about what I want, but I keep meeting women who are too unwilling (they say intimidated) to perform this particular act. I am willing to kiss, lick and suck on their, uh, neck, but the act is not reciprocated and, yes, like many men, I like that particular act. I don't believe I've stumped you, so I will await your wisdom.

Dear OM,
I have indeed been watching your posts. They always seem to make me laugh because you usually leave someone with their head torn off. I am, however, already pledged to a Goddess, although she is rumored to share her worshippers if you were to ask her nicely. And I even invited you to stay and play the other day in Kazoo. *shrugs*
wait a sec, here. i am no goddess, in no sense of the word.just funny i guess. my job title in life is "my own worst enemy", in fact. i was mesiing around about the sex slave thing. :D i appreciate your attention, and i would hang out at the kazoo, but usually i am at work, and cant keep a singular thought going long enough to enjoy anything. i will try and pop in more often.

See, again, you ignored the question. I am very open with women. I have no problem discussing sex or finding out what she likes or dislikes. I'm well aware of the issues involved in donning a condom and all of the other issues that pop up. I am very clear about what I want, but I keep meeting women who are too unwilling (they say intimidated) to perform this particular act. I am willing to kiss, lick and suck on their, uh, neck, but the act is not reciprocated and, yes, like many men, I like that particular act. I don't believe I've stumped you, so I will await your wisdom.

congratualtions on your superior sex knowledge, by the way. :D
hhmmm. i would say you are dating the wrong women. thats really, truthfully the only thing that i can think of.i asked a male friend justnow what he thought of that, and he says if you cant get her to do "that" by the 3rd or 4th time you have sex, then she most likely wont ever be doing it. blame it on the wave of feminism, or the fact that a lot of girls just dont watch porn anymore. ahh the good old days.

congratualtions on your superior sex knowledge, by the way. :D
hhmmm. i would say you are dating the wrong women. thats really, truthfully the only thing that i can think of.i asked a male friend justnow what he thought of that, and he says if you cant get her to do "that" by the 3rd or 4th time you have sex, then she most likely wont ever be doing it. blame it on the wave of feminism, or the fact that a lot of girls just dont watch porn anymore. ahh the good old days.

Yeah, the sucky part is some of them are friends and I've talked to them about sex for sometimes years before we got together. I know they do it, just not with me. I always tell them ahead of time what they're getting into, I think they just think I'm exaggerating. It's not ridiculous or anything, my neck is just quite a bit thicker than average.

Dear Occidio,

I like when you yell at me. You haven't yelled in so long. Does this mean we're through?

Sincerly,
Your very first cult follower

Dear Occidio,

I like when you yell at me. You haven't yelled in so long. Does this mean we're through?

Sincerly,
Your very first cult follower
Dear Pain Preferring Pet poster,
i am never done!in more than ways than one. ask me anything.

Dear Linda,

PWNED :p

Paul

Dear Linda,

PWNED :p

Paul
hahhahhhaha. you are the best. what do you think?

hahhahhhaha. you are the best. what do you think?
I'm gonna check the store tomorrow. Sorry to get your hopes up. :(

I'm gonna check the store tomorrow. Sorry to get your hopes up. :(
its okay. tell what you thinkabout something else then.

its okay. tell what you thinkabout something else then.
I think kiwis are actually quite tasty, but it always gets messy when you eat them. Even the undead oracle didn't know how to eat the without getting messy

I think kiwis are actually quite tasty, but it always gets messy when you eat them. Even the undead oracle didn't know how to eat the without getting messy


pfft....

save a kiwi........eat a peach

I think kiwis are actually quite tasty, but it always gets messy when you eat them. Even the undead oracle didn't know how to eat the without getting messy
I think she mentioned something along the lines of like a testicle.

pfft....

save a kiwi........eat a peach
Drat! I knew I forgot something from the grocery store :headbang:

pfft....

save a kiwi........eat a peach
i have no doubts he will take you up on that one, peech.


i dont eat fruit. this makes me a complete freeak i have been told.

i have no doubts he will take you up on that one, peech.


i dont eat fruit. this makes me a complete freeak i have been told.

word.


Dear Occy,

I have news I wanted to share with you.....my new office is right beside the morgue! I immediately thought of you. I told someone earlier that the guy in charge of the bodies over there isnt nearly as lovely as you.....

word.


Dear Occy,

I have news I wanted to share with you.....my new office is right beside the morgue! I immediately thought of you. I told someone earlier that the guy in charge of the bodies over there isnt nearly as lovely as you.....
LOL.

Yeah at least Occy isn't square

LOL.

Yeah at least Occy isn't square


if he wears a plaid shirt i swear he will look like a rubiks cube....

if he wears a plaid shirt i swear he will look like a rubiks cube....
LMAO :D :fluffle:

word.


Dear Occy,

I have news I wanted to share with you.....my new office is right beside the morgue! I immediately thought of you. I told someone earlier that the guy in charge of the bodies over there isnt nearly as lovely as you.....
thankyou thankyou thankyou. yeah- most morgue guys dont wear short skirts and combat boots- i am trying to change that though.

thankyou thankyou thankyou. yeah- most morgue guys dont wear short skirts and combat boots- i am trying to change that though.
I would like to, but I'm not qualified :(

I would like to, but I'm not qualified :(
then you can watch :D

Dear Occy,
Since there seems to be a shoirtage of men wearing short skirts and combat boots in the mourge setting. What do you propose I do to remedy this problem to help everyone. Also would a kilt work instead of a short skirt? How much work would actually get done in your morgue, if i showed up in normal everyday attire (red or black kilt, black eye liner, combat boots and random shirt with usualyl a sleeveless trench)?

Sincerely
Your cult following

then you can watch :D
that's...........freaky..... :confused:

that's...........freaky..... :confused:
nnoo, i meant watch me. in the short skirt, and the boots...get me?

also is it wrong i don't own any pants or shorts?

nnoo, i meant watch me. in the short skirt, and the boots...get me?
Get you? Mrrroowrr

Dear Occy,
Since there seems to be a shoirtage of men wearing short skirts and combat boots in the mourge setting. What do you propose I do to remedy this problem to help everyone. Also would a kilt work instead of a short skirt? How much work would actually get done in your morgue, if i showed up in normal everyday attire (red or black kilt, black eye liner, combat boots and random shirt with usualyl a sleeveless trench)?

Sincerely
Your cult following
Dear Serpent Behind Cloth Door,
wow. wow. wow. oohh wow. when i first breached the subject,i meant that there should be more women in the morgue, in the skirts, etc. i wasnt even thinking about the possibility of Guys in kilts. however, i am glad that you brought that rather sexy thought to my attention.wow.i know you are my poster who likes to be yelled at, but if you show up anywhwre near me in that getup, the only thingi am going to be shouting is "more! more!" and some other phrases. wow. good thing the dead cant hear.

that posts made my hands shake. very unusual for the usually unflappable occidio. wooooww.

Dear Serpent Behind Cloth Door,
wow. wow. wow. oohh wow. when i first breached the subject,i meant that there should be more women in the morgue, in the skirts, etc. i wasnt even thinking about the possibility of Guys in kilts. however, i am glad that you brought that rather sexy thought to my attention.wow.i know you are my poster who likes to be yelled at, but if you show up anywhwre near me in that getup, the only thingi am going to be shouting is "more! more!" and some other phrases. wow. good thing the dead cant hear.

that posts made my hands shake. very unusual for the usually unflappable occidio. wooooww.

*note to self visit occy's morgue*

Black kilt work for your occy?

do i get a pin or something for my post?

Statistics never lie, liars use statistics *nods*

It's been proven that smoking causes statistics.

It's been proven that smoking causes statistics.

hmm good point... *insert random french word here*

do i get a pin or something for my post?
in my mind, you are getting much more than a pin. nice signature, by the way

Damn! I wanna be in your mind.... but since I can't here's a lil something from me (in exactly what i said i would be wearin) :fluffle:

dear Occ, if I put a bright pink bow in my hair will it clash with my pale pink tshirt?

Damn! I wanna be in your mind.... but since I can't here's a lil something from me (in exactly what i siad i would be wearin) :fluffle:
pictures do wonders, hint hint.

dear Occ, if I put a bright pink bow in my hair will it clash with my pale pink tshirt?
Dear Hideous Pink wearer,
why would you wear pink at all? or, for that matter, a bow in your hair?? remember, you are asking a chick with an all black wardrobe. my idea of color is gray.

pictures do wonders, hint hint.

I might just have to get you one.... ;)

I might just have to get you one.... ;)
i wanna see too!!!!!!

fine fine ..... as soon as i can get one up i will give you all the link or what eva.... but i wants yours too :-p

dear Occ, if I put a bright pink bow in my hair will it clash with my pale pink tshirt?
I wouldnt mind clashing with your Pink Shirt!

Should i clash with TInks shirt?

dear Occ, I'm hungry, should I have a muffin or a doughnut?

dear Occ, should I go to bed?

dear Occ, I've recently taken a shine to this advice columnist woman, I can't make even the simplest decisions without asking for her advice, I think I'm getting obsessed and it's definately getting worse, I don't know what to do, please help

Dear Occ should i swim acroos Oceans to be with the woman i love?

Dear Occ should i swim acroos Oceans to be with the woman i love?
I'm gonna answer this even though Occ will be all moody about it *coughbitchcough*

if this woman is in England and she's called Elly or maybe sometimes known as Tink then you should do it! but if this bitch's name is Pointless then forget about it, you deserve better

I'm gonna answer this even though Occ will be all moody about it *coughbitchcough*

if this woman is in England and she's called Elly or maybe sometimes known as Tink then you should do it! but if this bitch's name is Pointless then forget about it, you deserve better
HA How about should i take the day off work?

HA How about should i take the day off work?
no, you need to earn lots of money so that if some English girl ever goes over to NZ you can afford to buy her nice things

Hi Tink, Harl, anyone else... Sorry I'm spamming.... my Jolt is a mess... I just wanted to see if it would update... Have a nice day!! :)

no, you need to earn lots of money so that if some English girl ever goes over to NZ you can afford to buy her nice things
Too bad i did and i get paid for the day off!
Ive got like 6+ more days off up my sleeve. :)

Too bad i did and i get paid for the day off!
Ive got like 6+ more days off up my sleeve. :)
well in that case it's ok

Dear Occidio,

If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?