NationStates Jolt Archive

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

In Russian Hell, shit eats you.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

How do you kill a circus.

Go for the juggler.

Peter is in class.
Teacher:"Where would you end up if you'd dig a hole from London straight to the other side of the world?"
Peter:"In jail"

A classic joke :


During the Cold War a C.I.A. agent enters the US president's office:
"Sir, we have alarming news! The russians are planning to paint the Moon in red. What should we do?"
"Don't worry, let'em plan..."
After a couple of weeks the agent comes again:
"Sir, they started painting the Moon in red. We must stop them!"
"No, don't worry, let them continue..."
Again, after a few more weeks the CIA agent comes again:
"Mr. Pressident, the russians painted more than half of the Moon in red, we must do something!"
"There's no hurry, leave them alone..."
After a few days, the alarmed agent comes:
"Sir, there's too late. The russians have just finished painting the Moon in red"
"Ok, send an Apollo team to write on it "Coca-Cola" " :)




Ha ha ha ha funny :D :) :gundge: :mp5: :mp5: :sniper:

Why not an anti-Arab one:
Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'?
They're full of Arab semen.

OK. How 'bout another?

Q: How do keep an Arab from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
OR
A: Why?

A man'sdriving down an road in Alaskaand his car broke down. He phones the Alaskan AA and they arrive shortly after. The service man opens the bonnet, takes a look and says " It looks like you've blown a seal ".
The man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
A baby seal goes into a pub.
The barkeep asks, "What will you have?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

What's even funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.


What's even funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?

A dead baby in a clown suit, run over by a circus truck.

Jokes...whoa. Funny.

A lot of stuff

You arn't Jack Handy :p

A blond girl walks into a ice cream store. She walks up to the counter and asks the guy behind the counter: "Can I please have a Gallon of vanilla ice cream, a gallon of strawberry icecream and a gallon of chocolate ice cream."
The guy says: "I am sorry mam, but whe ran out of chocolate ice cream."
"Oh," she says. "Please then do me a Quater of vanilla ice cream, a Quater of strawberry ice cream and a Quarter of chocolate ice cream."
The guy says: "I am sorry mam but whe ran out of chocolate ice cream."
"Ohh" the blond girl says. "Than do me a pint of vanilla ice cream, a pint of strawberry ice cream and a pint of chocolate ice cream."
The guy thinks, "she must be fucking stupid." He asks her, "can you do me a favor. Please spell the 'van' in vanilla."
"Sure" she says. "V. A. N."
"Ok," the guy says. "What about the straw in strawberry."
"S. T. R. A. W." she says.
"You are right," he says. "And now the Fuck in chocolate."
She thinks and thinks and than she says: "There is no fuckin chocolate."









He says, "thats what I mean!!"

Kinda long, but funny~
> >
> >When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take
> >it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on
> >someone you don't know !!!!!
> > It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and
remembered a
> >phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled
it. A
> >man
> >answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Stephen. May I
> >please speak with Robin Carter"? Suddenly, the phone was slammed
down
> >on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
> >I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had
transposed
> >the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her,
I
> >decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answer! ed
the
> >phone,
> >I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down
with
> >the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
> >Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day,
> >I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me
up.
> >When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
> >calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this
is
> >John
> >Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
> >interested in the Caller ID program?"
> >He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
> >I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
> >One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
> >Some guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the ! spot I had
> >patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting
for
> >the
> >spot.The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the
window
> >and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
> >so I wrote down his number.
> >A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I had
> >his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW
asshole,
> >too.
> >I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?"
> >"Yes, it is."
> >"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> >"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white
house,
and
> >the car's parked right out in front."
> >"What's your name?" I asked.
> >"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
> >"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> >"I'm home every eveni! ng after five."
> >"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
> >"Yes?"
> >"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my
> >speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to
call.
> >But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as
it
> >used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
> >I called Asshole #1.
> >"Hello."
> >"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
> >"Are you still there?" he asked.
> >"Yeah," I said.
> >"Stop calling me," he screamed.
> >"Make me," I said.
> >"Who are you?" he asked.
> >"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
> >"Yeah? Where do you live?"
> >"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house, and to
make
> >easy for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."
> >He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had bett er sta! rt
saying
> >your prayers."
> >I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole. Ya' better pack a
lunch!!"
> >Then I called Asshole #2.
> >"Hello?" he said.
> >"Hello, asshole," I said.
> >He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!.."
> >"You'll what?" I said.
> >"I'll kick your ass." he exclaimed.
> >I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right
> >now."
> >Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at
> >1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my
> >gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going
down
> >on West 34th Street.
> >I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I
saw
> >two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad
cars,
> >a police he licopter, ! and a news crew.
> >NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works..


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HILARIOUS! :p :D :) :) :p :D :D :D :p

Awful.

And it took bloody ages to read.

Why on Earth did you quote that whole thing?
Please don't do that.

Why on Earth did you quote that whole thing?
Please don't do that.
^---- no humor

Cause it's funny

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.



-------------------


A pirate walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and orders a glass of rum. The bartender notices that this pirate has a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. Finding this very peculiar, the bartender asks:

"do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate replies:

"Arrrr! It's drivin' me nuts!"

OK. How 'bout another?

Q: How do keep an Arab from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.
OR
A: Why?
Let's go for a third:
Q: What do you throw a drowning Arab?
A: His wife and family.

One afternoon, President Bush is riding in the back of his limousine in Texas towards his ranch, when he passes two pathetic men eating the grass by the road side.
He orders his driver to stop, leans out the window and asks: "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have no money for food," the first man replies.
"Oh, well, you can come with me to my ranch," insists the President.
"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."
"Bring them along!" replies Bush.
"But how about my friend?"
The President turns to the other man and says, "You come with us, too."
"But, sir," says the guy, "I got a wife and six kids!"
"Bring them as well!" answers the President as he opens the door to the limo.
They all climb into the limousine, and head off towards GWBs ranch. One of the poor fellows looks at GWB and says: "Sir, you are the kindest man I have ever met. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you."
Bush replies: "Only too glad to help. You'll love my ranch. The grass is almost a foot tall."

LITTLE LEPRECHAUN

A little Dana asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper, so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hands?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "It's A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away."

Then his Mom got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

And the little boy said, "oh great Mom, now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

Why are bananas bent?
They don't fit straight.

A little girl on a farm was told by her father to go and milk the cow. So she goes outside and started milking. All of a sudden she sees Michael Moore passing by, so she runs back as fast as she can and yells:"daddy, daddy. Michael Moore is there, Michael Moore is there!"
So her father replies:"Calm down, child, and come inside. That Michael Moore, he's a rapist."

The next day the little girl goes outside to milk the cow. While she is milking she sees eminem passing by, so she runs back as fast as she can and yells:"daddy, daddy, eminem is there, eminem is there!"
So her father replies:"Calm down, child, and come inside. That eminem, he's a rapist."

The following day the little girl goes outside to milk the cow. She sits down and then she sees George Bush comming her way, so she runs back as fast as she can and yells:"daddy, daddy, George Bush is there, George Bush is there!"
So her father replies:"Calm down, child, and come inside. That George Bush, he's a rapist... and bring the cow back with you!"

It's a cold night in Anchorage, Alaska. A man stumbles into a bar, freezing cold. He sits next to a man with his head down on the bar, a bowl of chili in front of him. The 1st man says to the other, "You gonna eat that?" The other man just waves his arm, keeping his head down. The 1st man starts to eat the chili. It's the beast he's ever had. He gets to the bottom of the bowl, only to find a huge turd in the bottom. He gets sick and throws the entire bowl of chili back up into the bowl. The 2nd guy looks up and says, "Yeah, I felt pretty much the same way."

Did you ever blow bubbles as a child? Well, he's back in town and he wants your telephone number.

Please Basil, close or moderate your thread because the levell is gone.
Most guys post to much and to much means BS :rolleyes:

Please Basil, close or moderate your thread because the levell is gone.
Most guys post to much and to much means BS :rolleyes:
erm... weren't you Basil?

erm... weren't you Basil?

Yep, I am, but I am in a schizoprenic moment right now.
Some guys are posting really stupid jokes (not you and the Dement Hamster ;) ).

But:Citygirl goes to the countryside to work as farmahand. On her first day man who she is working for tells her to go and milk the cow in the field. Girl takes a bucket and heads out to the fields and after long and eventually manages to fill the bucket.

Girl returns with the bucket and asks takes it back and asks from man if he is satisfied with her work.

Man looks for a while and responds. "Not half as satisfied as that bull you milked."

Dyslexics of the world...UNTIE!

Dyslexics of the world...UNTIE!
A dyslexic walked into a bra...

Yep, I am, but I am in a schizoprenic moment right now.
Some guys are posting really stupid jokes (not you and the Dement Hamster ;) ).

But:Citygirl goes to the countryside to work as farmahand. On her first day man who she is working for tells her to go and milk the cow in the field. Girl takes a bucket and heads out to the fields and after long and eventually manages to fill the bucket.

Girl returns with the bucket and asks takes it back and asks from man if he is satisfied with her work.

Man looks for a while and responds. "Not half as satisfied as that bull you milked."
Nice to see I'm appreciated... :)
The above joke reminds me of a similar one:
A man goes up to a farmer and asks him: "Got any odd jobs?"
"Yeah, go milk the Bull."

The Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, and honestly I was in there for only about 5 minutes.
So anyway, I come out and there's a traffic cop writing out a fucking parking ticket!
I go up to him and say, "Ohhh, Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignores me and continues writing the ticket!
Well that just got me going!
I call him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He keeps ignoring me and starts writing another bloody ticket for the worn tires! That was it: the gloves were off! I call him a retarded piece of monkey shit and a whoreson.
He doesn't say a word, just finishes the second ticket and puts it on the windshield with the first.
Then he starts writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Eventually, he had written out tickets for every misdeamenor he could find and finally looks at me, smiles and wishes me a 'good day'!
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day.
It's important.

It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century.
The invention was later modified by a British inventor who put a hole in the seat.

A midget walks into a bar, and slips on a piece of shit that happend to be on the ground. He gets up, thinks nothing of it and sits down and orders a beer.

A few moments later a big, burly boxer comes into the bar and slips on the same piece of shit. The midget says "I just did that!"

So the boxer kills him. :p

A midget walks into a bar, and slips on a piece of shit that happend to be on the ground. He gets up, thinks nothing of it and sits down and orders a beer.

A few moments later a big, burly boxer comes into the bar and slips on the same piece of shit. The midget says "I just did that!"

So the boxer kills him. :p

Almost funny.

A blind man walks into a bar.

What does he say?

Almost funny.

A blind man walks into a bar.

What does he say?

That is indeed "almost funny" :rolleyes:
Get lost

Setting: An old west saloon. The door swing open with a crash, and an angry three-legged dog storms in. He shouts, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my pa(w)!"

A blind man walks into a bar.
What does he say?
"What the hell am I doing in this tired old joke? Get me out of here!"

A man is in the Amsterdam red light district.
He knocks on the window of one of the whores.
Man:"How much?"
Whore:"€ 50,-"
Man:"That's not expensive for double glass"

Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

What do you call a crashing passenger plane?
A disaster

What if it was full of lawyers?
Good Riddance

A Blonde watches in horror as a guy jumps in her car and races off. She calls the Police to report her car stolen.
"Did you get a good look at the thief?"
"No, I was too busy trying to get the licence plate number!"

Ever wonder why Washington has so many lawyers and New Jersey has so much pollution?

New Jersey won the toss! :D

Why don't Arabs go on holiday?
You can't attach a caravan to a camel

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping in the moors.
During the night, Sherlock Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Holmes.
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Sherlock Holmes is silent for a moment, then says, "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. So he goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner tells him.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's too scared to cough."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that
he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a
sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The
manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the
situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms
up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the
woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN
I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one
sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance
away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are
they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their
making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of
water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and
looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are
you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're
making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a
puppy!"

Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one
sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance
away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are
they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their
making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of
water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and
looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are
you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're
making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a
puppy!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are talking about how they concieved. The brunette said that since her husband was on top, she would be having a boy. The redhead said that since she was on top, she would be having a girl. The blonde starts crying. When asked why, she said, "I'm going to have puppies!"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are talking about how they concieved. The brunette said that since her husband was on top, she would be having a boy. The redhead said that since she was on top, she would be having a girl. The blonde starts crying. When asked why, she said, "I'm going to have puppies!"

Hehehe! :D

Why is "doggie style" such a popular postition for rednecks?

Answer: That way, they can both watch NASCAR! :D

How many braincells does a blonde have?

One more as a cow, so she won't shit in the kitchen.

An American tourist in Paris decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights. Eventually he ends up in a french cafe, drinking wine and chatting with the locals. (Oh, ok, being ignored by the locals, since this is Paris.)
After he leaves, he wanders off trying to find his way back to his hotel. Eventually he realises he's lost and finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood with big, stately residences—no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all, no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, especially after all that wine.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a Gendarme, who says, "I'm sorry, monsieur, you simply cannot do that here."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, I'm lost and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, oui" says the Gendarme, "in that case, just follow me."
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Gendarme. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing and is desperate, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Gendarme, "That was extremely decent of you. Is this what you call Parisian hospitality?"
"Non, monsieur" replied the Gendarme, with a satisfied smile on his face, "That is we call the American Embassy."

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. He sees Bob and asks Bofor his help.
Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mould and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your dick?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."

A blonde and a brunette are in a bar watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from a bridge.
The blonde turns to the brunette and bets her $50 that he won't jump, and the brunette replies: 'I'll take that bet!'
Sure enough, he jumps, so the blonde tries to hand over to the brunette $50.
The brunette says: 'Sorry, I can't take this, it's wrong.'
The blonde replies: 'No. A bet's a bet'.
The brunette tells her: 'Listen, I have to admit - I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde answers: 'So did I, but I didn't think he'd jump again!'

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, which makes a blonde woman in the fourth row increasingly angry.
Eventually she's had enough. She stands up, storms up to the ventriloquist and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large all in the name of humour."
Flustered and embarassed, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

A man sits down at a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you something totally amazing, will you give me a drink?" "Sure" says the bartender. So the man pulls a small piano out of one pocket and a frog out of the other. The frog begins to play the best jazz piano the bartender has ever heard. The man gets his drink, downs it and asks, "If I show you something else just as amazing, can I have another?" The bartender says, "Mister, if it's anything like this, you can drink free all night." So he pulls a rat from his coat and it starts singing scat to the frog's jazz piano. An agent has been watching the whole scene. He offers a million dollars for the duo. The man says, "No thanks, but I'll take $50,000 for the rat." "Deal.", says the agent, and he pays the man, takes the rat, and leaves the bar. The bartender is stunned. "Why did you break up a million dollar act for a measley 50 grand!" "It'll be alright." says the man. "The frog's a ventriloquist."

yet another lightbulb joke:

How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they don't exist duh!

yet another lightbulb joke:

How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they don't exist duh!
Basil, please! Moderate your thread and save us from such insipid drivel such as this!

thats the reason why i posted it....all th others are just as bad (the lightbulb ones i mean)

thats the reason why i posted it....all th others are just as bad (the lightbulb ones i mean)
Well if you were using irony to show how bad the lightbulb jokes were, that's ok then. I can appreciate that. :)

cool. If there's one type of joke that is worse than the lightbulb ones is knock knock jokes...who was it who thought that they were in the slightest bit funny?

A man sits down at a bar. He says, "If I show you something truly amazing, can I have a drink?" "Sure." the barkeep says. So the man pulls out a little piano and a little man, who starts playing lounge music. The barkeep is so amazed, he buys a round for the house. He asks, "How did you get such a small man?" "I have a genie out in my truck. You can borrow him if you want." So the barkeep leaves the bar for a minute, and is followed in by more ducks than anyone can count. He yells at the man with the genie, "What kind of stupid genie do you have? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The man replied, "Do you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

Two cocks are in a bar drinking.
Cock #1:"Life Sucks"
Cock #2:"Feels good ej?"

Q: Why did the duck cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee was blowing fouls(fowls).

yet another lightbulb joke:

How many Elves does it take to change a lightbulb?
None - they don't exist duh!

Ya naughty boy! You can do better ;)

old jokes...
1) A guy is leaving home in the morning to go golfing with George--his wife wishes him a good day. Later, he comes back. The wife: "How was your day?" "Horrible; a nightmare! We were on the second hole and George had a heart attack and died!" Wife: "Oh my god, that's terrible!!"
"Yeah, I know, all day long it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George..."
2) (golf two) Two golfers are near a fence by the road. A funeral procession goes by and one golfer takes off his hat and stands at attention. When the procession goes by the other golfer says "That was terrific...you were so reverent I was amazed" "Well, after 30 years of marriage, I owed her that much!"
3) A motorcycle cop is waiting by the road to catch speeders. A car goes by with a pig in the back seat. The cop takes off after him because this is so strange. He pulls him over..."What are you doing with that pig in the back seat?" "I was just driving when I came aroung a corner and almost hit this pig. I didn't know what to do and I didn't want the pig to get hurt so I put it in the car! What should I do now?" Cop: "Well, I think you should just take that pig to the zoo." A few days later, the cop sees the same car go by with the pig in the back. He stops the car and says "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did! And we had so much fun that now we're going to Disneyland!!"
4) Patrick has had a long hard day on his farm in Ireland. He decides to go into town for a few pints at the pub. He hooks up his cart to the pony and goes off. After some "refreshment" at the pub he goes out the door and sees that his pony has been painted green. He storms back into the pub and yells "Somebody has painted my pony green and, if he's any kind of a man at all, he'll stand up and face me!" Big Sean--six foot five and 250 pounds--stands up..."Yeah, I painted your pony and what are you going to do about it??" "N-nothing! I just wanted you to know that the first coat is dry!"

A guy flys in to New York and hails a taxi. "Take me to 100 West XXX Street." The taxi driver says "Sure, no problem, but I know that place--you know it's a brothel?" "Yes, 100 West XXX Street!" He arrives, gets out and rings the doorbell. The madam opens the door..."I'd like to see Jane" he says. Jane comes out, they go upstairs and, afterwords, Jane says "That will be $100". The guy pays her $100 and gives her a $100 tip. A few days later he comes back...the same thing--$100 and $100 tip. This goes on until on the fifth day, Jane finally is thinking that this is one great guy! "Say honey, where are you from anyway?" Guy: "I'm from Paris". Jane: "That's a coincidence, my cousin is from Paris!" "Yeah, I know. When he knew that I was going to New York, he asked me to pay you back the $1000 he owed you."
Drum roll...badda-boom

(Works best if you say it out loud)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office naked, but completely covered head to foot in see-through cling-film (in NZ we call it gladwrap)
The doctor looks up at him and says: "I can clearly see your nuts."

Two guys are out fishing in a rowboat on a lake while a bit further a young man is learning how to windsurf. He gets on the board, falls off, gets back on again etc. Suddenly he totters off once more, hits his head on the board and doesn't come up again.
The two guys row to the rescue, pull him aboard and one of them starts resuscitating mouth-to-mouth. At once the guy doing the lifesaving pulls a face and says "Wow, this is the most gruesome case of halitosis I ever encountered!"
"Small wonder", his companion replies, "he's wearing ice skates."

A nun is hitchhiking and a trucker is willing to give her a ride. "But I want something in return... I want to shag you" The nun thinks. "Okay, but only up my ass, I have to stay a virgin" So the trucker takes the nun up the ass. After the deed he says: "I'm Tom the trucker if you ever want to see me" The nun gives him a hand: "I am John and I dress up as a nun"

:rolleyes: The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. So he goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner tells him.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's too scared to cough."
Incredible this one's still around. Heard it told by my dad, must have been somewhere near 1960. No kidding.

Two Canadians are playing 20 Questions. The first guy decides he really wants to stump the second guy so he thinks for a little while and decides there's no way the second guy can guess this one: moose cock.

#1: Ok, go ahead, eh. First question.
#2: Um, can you eat it?
#1: (thinks it over) Well, I suppose so, eh.
#2: Is it moose cock?

============

Don't know if anyone posted Helen Keller jokes, but here are a few of my favorites:

Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
- Her dog was blind too.

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
- She answered the iron.

How did she burn her other ear?
- Same guy called back.

Why does she play the piano with one hand?
- She sings with the other.

Why didn't anyone hear her when she was singing?
- She had mittens on.

How did she burn her hands?
- She tried reading the waffle iron.

When she was bad, how did they punish her?
- They rearranged the furniture.

How else did they punish her?
- They left the plunger in the toilet.

AND FINALLY (though we all know there are more)...

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
- You would too if your name was mmwwoosmdaattam (funnier when said - just mumble)

======================

A man was marrying a Chinese woman whom he had dated for several years. However, during all that time, they never had sex or did anything close because she didn't believe in pre-marital stuff. It was basically kissing. So, on their wedding night, the woman decided it was time.

Chinese woman: Honey, you be so good to me over the years. Never ask for sex, just respect my wishes. Now that we married, I think it time to re-pay you. So, tonight, I am yours. You can have anything you want.

Man: Anything?

Chinese woman: Yes, anything. What do you want?

Man: How about a little 69?

Chinese woman: You want Beef and Broccoli?

:rolleyes:
Incredible this one's still around. Heard it told by my dad, must have been somewhere near 1960. No kidding.
And your point being? That jokes are only funny if they're new?
How does this logic explain you then? ;)

(I notice an absence of material from you incidently. Also, do yourself a favour and watch some Marx Bros, some Harold Lloyd and some Charlie Chaplain films. It's worth it.)

(Works best if you say it out loud)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office naked, but completely covered head to foot in see-through cling-film (in NZ we call it gladwrap)
The doctor looks up at him and says: "I can clearly see your nuts."


HAHAHAHA, short and good, rofl.

A man decides to take a hiking/camping trip to the wilds of Alaska. He arrives and goes to an outfitter for his equipment. "I've never been here before" he says, "Do you have any suggestions?"
"Yes", the outfitter says. "It's kinda dangerous out there. First, I would put some small bells on your pack to alert the grizzly bears that you're around--the noise travels. Second, just in case, I would carry some pepper-spray as a back-up. Third, keep a close eye around you for bear-sign, you know, grizzly bear droppings."
"Yeah, that makes sense but, since I've never been here before, how do I recognize grizzly bear droppings when I see them?"
"Easy, they'll have little bells in them and will smell like pepper!" :)

And your point being? That jokes are only funny if they're new?
How does this logic explain you then? ;)

(I notice an absence of material from you incidently. Also, do yourself a favour and watch some Marx Bros, some Harold Lloyd and some Charlie Chaplain films. It's worth it.)

Dude.

Fatty Arbucle.

Three lunatics are walking down the street. They come across a pile of dog fesces.

The first loonie sticks his eye into it; "Hmm! It looks like dog shit!"

The second loonie sticks his tounge into it; "Hmm! It tastes like dog shit!"

The third loonie sticks his nose into it; "Hmm! It smells like dog shit!"

Then all together they say: "Lucky we didn't step in it!"

A young woman was talking to her mother on the eve of her wedding.
Mother:"These Greek men are a bit funny. If he ever asks you to roll over in bed, pack your things and come home.
The daughter agrees, and the next day she gets married.

A few years later the couple is in bed.
Man:"Honey, why don't you roll over tonight?"
The woman gets up and starts packing a suitcase.
Man:"Why are you packing?"
Woman:"Because my mother ever said if you ever asked me to roll over in bed, I should come straight home."
Man:"But honey, don't you want to have babies?!"

HOw many mosquitos does it take to screw in a light bulb.

Two, but who knows how they got in there.

A blonde is walking down the street and sees a banana peel on the ground
"Shit... There I go again"

What's the difference between Bush and a bucket of shit.




The bucket

A guy comes home early from work, walks into his bedroom, and his wife making love to another man.
He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife looks at the stranger and says, "See, I told you he was stupid."

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, none of my girls will work for so cheap a price, but if you go into the downstairs room, there is a chicken you can have!" Desperate, the guy pays the money, and goes to the room. He enters, sees the chicken and has his way with it. Satisfied (but embarassed), he goes home.

The following week, he returns to the whorehouse, this time with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me your best woman!". The Madame replies "All my girls are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". So off the guy goes. He's sitting there enjoying the show and waiting to be called. He turns to the guy next to him and remarks: "Hey, these whores really know what they're doing huh?".
The guy responds: "Yeah, but you should have been here last week. There was this guy fucking a chicken!"

"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says.
"What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
"The bad news is that unfortunately you've contracted a fatal disease and have only got 3 months to live".
The patient is taken back, "Oh God! What am I going to do? Wait! What's the good news then, Doctor?".
The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk: "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?"
The patient nods his head.
The Doctor replies:"Well, last night I finally managed to shag her."

Dude.

Fatty Arbucle.
I don't know, I've always been more of a Harold Lloyd fan myself. But each to his own.


The CIA is considering three women to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewers separately. The first woman comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks her: "Do you love your husband?"
She replies: "Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer.
"Yes I do, sir."
Interviewer continues: "What do you love more, your husband or your country?"
She replies: "My country, sir."
The interviewer looks at the woman, "Okay. This morning we kidnapped your husband. He's tied up in the next room. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill him."
The woman goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. She comes back, looking upset and it's obvious she's been crying. She puts down the gun and leaves.

The second woman comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks her the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go kill her husband. The woman puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third woman comes in, gives the same answers. The interviewer gives her a gun, and tells her to go kill her husband. The woman goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
The CIA agents look at each and nod in agreement.
Suddenly there's a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. They look at each other perplexed. Eventually the woman staggers out of the room covered in sweat and panting heavily.
The interviewer looks at her and says "What happened?!?!"
The woman replies: "That bloody gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair!"

So there is a Russian guy, and American guy, and they meet in hell

So Satan questions them what kind of hell would like to go to? Russian or American. American guys asked what was the difference, and Satan answered. "Well In American hell you have to eat 1 bucket of shit everyday, and in Russian 2 buckets of shit everyday."

So American calculated for awhile, and said that he wanted to go to American Hell, since there is only one bucket of shit to eat.

Russian, said, well my life was shit anyway, always lived in shit, so I guess I'll go to Russian hell.

2 months later:

Same people meet each other, and asking how is in each hell, the American guy said well, eat 1 bucket of shit, and that's it. How is it in the Russian hell he asks, so the Russian answers. "Well sometimes we don't have enough buckets for everyone, or they forget to deliver shit.

Oh my god. That thing is great. :-P

A blonde walks in on her husband screwing her best friend.
She was so angry and upset she storms over to the dresser and pulls out a gun and points it at her friend and shoots her dead.
Tears streaming down her face, she puts the gun to her own head and is just about to pull the trigger, when her husband cries: "Honey! Don't!"
She replies: "Shut up, you're next!"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch, which he downs in one gulp. He orders another then another. The bartender says: "Hey buddy, you look miserable. had a bad day?"
The guy replies:"The worst. Woke up late. Rush hour traffic. Got bawled out by my boss. Had to stay late. Puncture on the way home. And to top it off, I come home to find my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender says:"Jeez, that's rough pal. Have one on me. What'd you do?"
He answers:"I hit the roof! I told my wife to pack her bags and get out of the house at once!"
"And what did you say to your friend?"
"Bad dog"

Two guys are sitting in a bar.
Man #1:"My best friend is screwing my wife"
Man #2:"What are you talking about? I though I was your best friend?"
Man #1:"Not anymore"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a double scotch, which he downs in one gulp. He orders another then another. The bartender says: "Hey buddy, you look miserable. had a bad day?"
The guy replies:"The worst. Woke up late. Rush hour traffic. Got bawled out by my boss. Had to stay late. Puncture on the way home. And to top it off, I come home to find my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender says:"Jeez, that's rough pal. Have one on me. What'd you do?"
He answers:"I hit the roof! I told my wife to pack her bags and get out of the house at once!"
"And what did you say to your friend?"
"Bad dog"

Lol

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 40 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrives at the first house on his route he's greeted by the whole family, who thank him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he's met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand, gently leads him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blows his mind with the most passionate love he's ever experienced.
When he's had had enough, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. Now he's truly satisfied.
As he's leaving, she hands him a dollar.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she replies, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said: 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."

...He said: 'Fuck him, give him a dollar'. The breakfast was my idea."
Golden oldies. You gotta love 'em.

And now for a bad one:
=============
Two turds are on the sidewalk.
Turd #1:"Something stinks"
Turd #2:"Wasn't me"

I'm not good with the jokes, but i know these ones:

3 blondes walk into a bar. one of them should have seen it.

a dislexic man walks into a bra.

When I want to die, I want to die like my dad, peacefully in his sleep, and not like the other people kicking and screaming in his car.

I bet you've herd all these already. and i bet i spelled Dislexic wrong, which makes me look worse.

On the beach there is a woman crying. She has no arms and no legs.
A guy notices her and feels sorry, so he goes over to her.
Guy:"What's the matter"
Woman:"I've never been held, at least not by guys I like, and probably will never be held either. Look at me"
Guy:"You're very pretty. Why would no one hold you?"
Woman:"Would you?"
The guy talked himself in the hard situation so he wants to solve it. He closes his eyes and holds her thight for a while.

But the second he lets go, she starts crying again.
Guy:"What now? Was it not what you expected?"
Woman:"No, it was really good, but I'm thinking about the other stuff no one will ever do with me."
Guy:"Like what?"
Woman:"Kissing..."
The woman is not ugly, just handicapped so the guy thinks he might as well kiss her too. And so they start kissing passionately.

As they finish kissing the woman start crying again.
Guy:"What now?"
Woman:"I'll never be fucked."
The guy picks her up and throws her into the sea.
Guy:"Now you're fucked"

And your point being? That jokes are only funny if they're new?
How does this logic explain you then? ;)

(I notice an absence of material from you incidently. Also, do yourself a favour and watch some Marx Bros, some Harold Lloyd and some Charlie Chaplain films. It's worth it.)

1. Didn't say that, by the way, "incredible" was the term.
2. Been looking for some time now, but nothing seems to explain me. Nor anyone.
3. #327
4. I have their complete works on video, but for ChaplAin.

A yorkshire girl visits the income support office to register her 12 children for child benefits.

"What are your childrens names?"

"David."

"And the rest of them?"

"Thats it. they are all called david. It makes life easier, as when dinners ready I can just say Dave ya teas ready, or Dave time for bed, ya know, easy!"

"But what if you need to talk to one individually?"

"Oh thats easy! I just use their last names!"

Umm...I think you mean their last names. Kinda ruins the joke when you screw up the punchline:
"Oh, shit! Wait I meant 'their last names! Last names!' Shit! Still funny though. Really."

Bugger. you are right.

I'll delete my post to be kind to you. ;)

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One of them farts. The other one says,"Hey! I'm trying to eat here!"

A favorite :p :


3 nun sisters, got into car crash and died. on the way to heaven they met St. Peter.

St. Peter told them, if they would answer his question he would let them in.
so he asks first nun "Who was the first man", "Adam"-she answers

that's corrent get in, then he asks a second nun, "Who was the first woman". "Eve"- she answers, that's correct get in

Well you mother Theresa should know this, since you have been a nun for awhile. "What was the first word said to Adam". Theresa replies, "Well i don't know, it's pretty hard" Bingo get in

A good joke is like a pair of pants

A good joke is like a pair of pants

They stink?

They wear out?

They have seamen stains on them?

:p

A man wakes up one morning and says to his wife "I just had the strangest dream. I dreamed that I woke up and went to the toilet, and as soon as I opened the door the light magically went on, and when I left it magically turned off again!"
His wife sighs and says "Fred, you've gone and peed in the fridge again, haven't you?"

:cool:

A man wakes up one morning and says to his wife "I just had the strangest dream. I dreamed that I woke up and went to the toilet, and as soon as I opened the door the light magically went on, and when I left it magically turned off again!"
His wife sighs and says "Fred, you've gone and peed in the fridge again, haven't you?"

:cool:

Could see that coming a mile off. :sniper:

Mr Fawlty! Mr Fawlty!
Perhaps it's time to stop this thread and maybe take a vote on best joke. They're definitely getting lamer by the day (and I can be included in this too. My apologies. I only know so many good jokes). Best stop it now before it becomes like an American sitcom and goes two seasons too many.

This guy joins the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquainted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your dick in the side with the hole."

So first day out of port, the new guy climbs to upper deck to the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts humping the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced - truly a success!

After he's finished, he zips up and merrily walks off. He sees the guy who originally told him about the barrel.
"That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!" He exclaims.
"Yeah, every day except Thursday." Is the reply.
"Why not Thursday?"
"Because Thursday's your turn in the barrel."

George was planning on going out with the Boys, when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill (George's pal) tells him: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when he gets home, George walks into the house with money in hand and immediately hands over forty dollars to his wife.
Georges wife: "I knew that you'd drink and throw up over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
George's wife: "Really? Then what's this other 20 dollar bill for?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realise they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and thinks: "Shit. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

Okay guys, this one is looooooooong, but it's worth reading :D So here we go:

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Give them a second chance :
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Oktoberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail
in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH :
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN :
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing -
its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN :
1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK :
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture
most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of
the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
let everyone else around the world know about it
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Fidel Castro has Fallen:)

It's almost 1am and I'm tired, so lets start with the lameness!

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?
A: Elephino. Get It! Sounds like "hell if I know"! HA! HA! ermm...hmm....

Two blondes are in a car and drive up to a red trafficlight. They wait a while and it turns green (as a trafficlight does)
Blonde #1:"It's green"
Blonde #2:"Errrr..... a frog?"

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a corvette?

I dont have a corvette in my garage!


HAH! Your laughing despite yourself!

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a corvette?

I dont have a corvette in my garage!


HAH! Your laughing despite yourself!
Umm....No I'm not.

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition suddenly appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read: "You're standing on my fucking oxygen tube you Arsehole!"

I'd hate to see this thread die, so...

A man woke up one morning and said to his wife, "I had a dream last night that I drank the world's largest margarita."

She replied,"Well, that would explain the salt on the toilet seat."

"Wow! I'm glad I didn't eat the worm!"

what's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a turckload of bowling balls?

you can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.


what's worse than ten dead babies in one garbage can?

one dead baby in ten garbage cans.

A truck driver is heading along an inland road in Oz, heading out of Queensland, with a load of Bowling Balls. There, in the middle of nowhere, he sees two Aboringes hitch-hiking. Taking pity on them (but being a typical Aussie), he stops but tells them they have to get in the back with the balls. So they jump in the back of the truck.
A bit later he reaches the Queensland border and a traffic patrol pulls him over to do a routine check. While one cop is checking his log books, the other goes back to check the load. He opens the back doors and sees the two Aboringes sitting on a big pile of bowling balls. He stares at them for a few seconds, then quickly slams the door shut and calls out to his partner:
"We'd best let him go quickly! He's got a load of Abo eggs in the back and a couple of them have already hatched!"

The patient says: "Give me the bad news first!"
Doctor replies: "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" cries the patient.
"Well, you've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says: "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees an ipod and snaffles it. He's looking 'round for anything els of value when he hears a voice:
"JESUS is watching you".
He absolutely shits himself! He looks around wildly and sees nothing. He figures it was his mind playing tricks so continues on his pilfering ways. He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice:
"JESUS is watching you".
He hides in a corner trying desperately to find where the voice came from. He's looking all over the place and finally spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks: "Was that you sayng that?"
The Parrot says: "Yes".
He then asks: "What's your name?".
Parrot: "MOSES".
The burglar says: "What kind of dumbass names his bird 'Moses'?"
The parrot replies: "The same dumbass that names his rottweiler 'JESUS'".

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hires an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and murmurs "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian: "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"
The Indian replies: "ear sticky".

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole ma horse?!?!?" he hollared with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if ma horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna hav ta do what I dun back in Texas! And I don't like to have ta do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and sure enough his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

A man comes across a magic ladder, with a sign boldly claiming:
"Climb the Ladder to Success!"
He decides to give it a try. He climbs up for a few minutes and ends up on a cloud with a not-unattractive (but not attractive, plain really) girl, holding $100. She tells him: "Stay here with me, and you can have your pleasure and the $100. Or you can climb the ladder to Success!"
He decides on the latter. 1/2 an hour of climbing and he comes to a fairly good-looking woman with $1000, who gives him the same options. He decides again to continue.
Finally, after several encounters and increasingly beautiful woman and amounts of money he arrives at one cloud where the woman is the most beautiful female he has ever laid his eyes on. Moreover, she is lying in a bed of $10 million dollars! She turns seductively towards him, and beckons him over: "Everything you see you can have, including me. I will fulfill your every fantasy and pleasure you in ways you never thought possible. Or you can climb the ladder to Success".
He stares long and hard (emphasis on the hard) at her, then imagines what Success must be like! So he commences climbing.
Finally he arrives on the last cloud. He sees a hugely overweight, hairy, stinking, ugly old man with this huge hard-on. Even from a distance he stinks. He sees the man and breaks into a foul snaggle-toothed smile and says:
"Hi, my name's Cess."

An artist calls up the gallery owner to see if there's been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner says. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaims, "What's the bad news?".
"The guy was your doctor."

What do you get when you cross a flea with a chicken ?


An itchy cock !!!!

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.
One boy got up to read his: "Papa fell in the well last week - " he began.
"Good heavens!" shrieks the teacher, "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," replies the boy, "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Knock it off. These are inappropriate for this forum.
i agree :headbang:

What happens if you don't pay your Exorcist?


You get REPOSSESSED!

A Vicar has three sons, one and two become vicars, where has three goes of to seek adventure and fortune.
On the prodigals return his father his overjoyed to see him and puts him in his old room for the night.
In the morning the father is sitting by the fire drinking tea when the first son enters the room, his father ask how his sleep was.
He repled "I dreamt that I was in heaven father".
" What was it like"? His father asks. "Just like here father sitting by the fire with you drinking tea".
The second son enters the room the father ask also how his sleep was to which he replied,.
"I dreamt that I was in heaven father".
" What was it like"? His father asks.
"Just like here father sitting by the fire with you drinking tea".
The third son enters and the father asks the question "How was your sleep"?
The prodigal son answers "I dreamt I was in hell father".
" What was that like"? he asks

"Oh just like here dad can't get near the fire for vicars".

A man sends his elderly father to a nursing home. The next day he calls to see how his father is doing.
Son:"How's it going Dad?"
Father:"I love it here. I woke up with a hard on this morning, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen came in and gave me a blowjob!"
Son:"Wow! That's great, Dad."
So the next morning the man calls his father again.
Son:"How's it going Dad?"
Father:"Ohhh Son, you gotta get me out of here."
Son:"Why? What's the matter?"
Father:"Well, yesterday I fell down, and a big, hillbilly orderly came up and fucked me in the ass."
Son:"Well, Dad, you got a blowjob yesterday. You've got to take the good with the bad."
Father:"No, Son, you don't understand. I wake up with a hard on once or twice a month. I fall down three, four times a day!"

I'm not through the thread, so I hope no one's used this yet:

Three men were standing in line to get into Heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough - there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became
separated from his tour group. After wandering
for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He
finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You
can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope
sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that
this was an attraction few tourists ever saw, he
snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed
to recover his composure and offered the fellow
$10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to
take him up on the offer and an exchange was
arranged. The Pope, much relived, stepped out
of the bathroom and into the hall, as a nun was
approaching. She saw the Pope's new camera
and complimented his Holiness. She then asked,
"If I may ask, how much did you pay for it?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"Oh my! The man who sold you that must have seen you coming!"

Two nuns were biking down the back streets of Rome. One looks around and observes, "You know, sister, I don't believe I've ever come this way before!" The other turns to her and says, "Must be the cobblestones."

How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - punks don't change.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they like it dark.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

What do you mean by asking this question? A lightbulb is a very simple thing to change! It merely takes one person to complete such a task. Are you asking this for the purpose of some kind of joke? If so, I do not get it...

what's the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a turckload of bowling balls?

you can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

What's worse than that?

Finding the one that's alive.

What's worse than that?

Finding that he's eaten his way out.

When I want to die, I want to die like my dad, peacefully in his sleep, and not like the other people kicking and screaming in his car.

We leave this world as we enter it: naked, screaming, and covered in blood.

Three lunatics are walking down the street. They come across a pile of dog fesces.

The first loonie sticks his eye into it; "Hmm! It looks like dog shit!"

The second loonie sticks his tounge into it; "Hmm! It tastes like dog shit!"

The third loonie sticks his nose into it; "Hmm! It smells like dog shit!"

Then all together they say: "Lucky we didn't step in it!"

I still don;t know if any of these are repeats...I've only gotten thorugh about 5 pages of this thing. Anyway:

It's time for the annual baseball outing at the state mental hospital. This was decades ago, before mental healthcare was all that humane, but they liked to do something nice for the patients now and then. So, the head doctor begins to prep the patients.

"Hey, nuts, get up!

They get out of bed and get dressed, then head down to the mess hall as they always do. Single file lines, no talking.

"Eat, nuts!

They finish their state-provided goop, then head over to the rec room, a dreary room with gray walls and two windows.

"Out to the vans, nuts!"

The patients file out under the close supervision of the guards. They are bound in their straight jackets, as is often the case when they leave the grounds, and loaded into the vans. They begin to chatter excitedly.

"Quiet, nuts!"

They remain silent the rest of the trip, except Phil, who's chirping like a bird. Phil always does that, though. They finally reachthe game, and head to their seats in the nosebleed section.

"Watch your step, nuts!"

They sit down, and begin enjoying the game. It's the bottom of the first inning. It wasn't even the bottom of the second before catastrophy struck.

"PEANUTS!"

Q: What's the difference between "Oooooooh" and "Aaaaaaaaah?"

A: 1 inch

how many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, he just stands there and the whole frigging country revolves around him

Guy walks into the bar's washroom and finds a black man lying in the urinal.
"Are you alright" he asks in a panic.
"Sure, Chiropractor told me not to lift anything heavy."

Bump... mostly cuz i'm still reading it.


sorry if it's been posted earlier...

Two lawyers walk into a bar.
one turns to the other and says,
"You didn't see it either huh?"

here's one that's an Honorable Mention for the Darwin Awards.

Accident Report
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning. This man was in an accident at work, so he filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information, for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope..."

Before the Flamebaiting begins, this is a joke
NO OFFENCE TO ANY CANADIANS, AMERICANS, BRITISH, and FRENCH HERE.

"Canada was in the position to get the best of three worlds.
British Culture
American Technology
and French Cusine.

What they got instead was...
American Culture
French Technology
and British Cusine"

I hate wearing turtle-necks, it's like being choked all day by a really weak guy

I hate wearing turtle-necks, it's like being choked all day by a really weak guy

and when they start to fray... it like being constatly tickled under the chin...

Whay do they call em turtle-necks anyway... turtle's necks don't look anything like that.

here's one that's an Honorable Mention for the Darwin Awards.

I love that story...it's one of those that makes you cringe again and again.

I love that story...it's one of those that makes you cringe again and again.

I printed it out and tried, note TRIED, to read it to my Mother (who doesn't go on-line) I couldn't finish cuz I was laughing too hard.

Still cant read that one out loud.

bump.

Gotta keep some humor alive. :p

The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary. The Pope tells them he would go ahead with it but insisted on the following conditions:
"Firstly", he says "the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world";
"Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world";
"Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway".
"Fourthly, she needs to be barren, to stop the chance of her getting pregnant, thus causing a host of problems for the Church."
"Lastly, she needs to be a Catholic, and never been married."
At this point one of the Cardinals stands up and says: "Leave it to us Holy Father, we will find the a woman that meets all these conditions"
The Cardinals turn and are leaving the room when the Pope says "And make sure she's got really big tits."

Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter."
Peter hears his name and shouts back to Jesus, "I hear, Lord, I am coming," and starts running up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and threatens, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm."
Peter replies, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword.

Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm."
Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword.

Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill.
A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg."
Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again,

"Peter... Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross.

Panting, in terrible pain and close to death, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call."

Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from here."

Two fonts walk into a bar to get a drink. The bartender looking up from his work yells over at them, "Hey, we don't serve your type here, get out"

- What's the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
- Wayne takes a shower after three periods

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out

Here's a few Tommy Cooper quotes to lighten the moods:

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth, his ears, then the rest of the dog.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thosands. Police say that he topped himself.



Just Like That!

Driving a small town ambulance, it was not uncommon for my husband and I to stop at the local grocer to buy food for dinner after a call at the end of the day. I had gone in to get a head of lettuce and some tomatoes, and unknown to me the floor was wet. Down I went, hitting my head hard.

When I came to, the manager of the store was sitting beside me telling me not to move, that he had called 911.

At the same time my pager went off and he looked at me and asked, "What was that?"

"My pager," I said. "I am 911."

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

[The Simpsons.]

Whats blue and white and swings through the trees?
A fridge in a denim jacket.

I'm getting bored.

bump

Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled
off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around
you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"N-n-no," the girl replied.

"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if
you're on the level about this."
***
"Here’s an important message for Ohio. Please remember to
have the crooked voting machines returned back to Florida
by Friday." --David Letterman
***

Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make
reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess
said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like
that?"

"That's fine," Lisa said.

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised
that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
***
In the 2002 race for Michigan Attorney General the two
candidates are Republican Mike Cox and Democrat Gary Peters.
My wife and I had been discussing the upcoming elections, and
a political ad came on my TV praising Cox's firearms stance
and NRA support and booing Peters' gun control platform while
she was in the kitchen fixing dinner.

I yelled out to the kitchen, "Which do you prefer Cox or
Peters?"

Her reply was, "Neither, I have a headache."

Now for some George Carlin quotes (to show I'm not biased and to even out my Tommy Cooper post above):

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Life.....is a series of dogs.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Hobbies cost money but interests are free.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

What year did Jesus think it was?

I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.

Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word Dutch?

There ought to be at least one round state!

Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

Our nation was founded by slaveowners who wanted to be free... So, we kept our black african people, in order to fight and kill the white english people, so we could move west and steal the land from the red indian people,and then move south and steal the land from the brown mexican people, which would give us a place to take off and bomb the yellow japanese people!!! You know what the motto for this country awtta be?!?! YOU GIVE US A COLOR, AND WE`LL WIPE IT OUT!

Balance the stupid fucking budget!

Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.

Cancer research is a growth industry.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

"Meow" means "woof" in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

"No comment" is a comment.

Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask any addict.

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another blow for Bush


George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place."

George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees.

The devil opens the first room: in it is Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over.
Such is his fate in hell.
"No!" George says. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil leads him to the next room: in it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he does is swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"

The devil opens a third door. In it, George sees Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread
eagle pose.

Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says
"Yeah, I can handle this."

"Ok Monica, says the devil, you're free to go"

Three country churches have a squirrel problem. The pastors from the churches had three different solutions, and were discussing them over lunch.
Pastor 1:"We called an exterminator. We emptied out the church, and they gassed the whole church. Three days later when we moved back in, the squirrels were already back."
Pastor 2:"We had someone from the department of wildlife trap ours. They took them to a woods twenty miles away, but two weeks later they were back."
Pastor 3:"We baptized ours and made them members. Now they only come back on Christmas and Easter!"

bump

Keen to pursue the ethnic vote right to the end, George Bush was visiting a hospital in New Jersey where there is a large Scottish expat community.
He entered a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness, one greeted him with: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race. Abune them a you take your place.Painch, tripe or thairm........"

Bemused, Dubya grinned nervously and moved on to the next bed and said to the patient, "How ya doin' buddy?"

The patient looked him straight in the eye and said: "Wee cowerin'timorous beastie, oh whit a panic is in thy breastie. Thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickerin' brattle."

Now seriously troubled the president turned and asked the nearest doctor. "What kind of facility is this?, a mental ward?"

"No" replied the doctor "This is the serious burns unit".
_________________

I heard this one on TV once:

Whats the difference between you and a mallard with the flu?
One is a sick duck, I can't remember the rest but your mom is a whore



-Rather stupid one I admit, but its pretty funny if you do it in person

haha, SNL. yes :)

Keen to pursue the ethnic vote right to the end, George Bush was visiting a hospital in New Jersey where there is a large Scottish expat community.
He entered a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness, one greeted him with: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the puddin' race. Abune them a you take your place.Painch, tripe or thairm........"

Bemused, Dubya grinned nervously and moved on to the next bed and said to the patient, "How ya doin' buddy?"

The patient looked him straight in the eye and said: "Wee cowerin'timorous beastie, oh whit a panic is in thy breastie. Thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickerin' brattle."

Now seriously troubled the president turned and asked the nearest doctor. "What kind of facility is this?, a mental ward?"

"No" replied the doctor "This is the serious burns unit".
_________________

You lost. Go back to Scotland; and please take Kerry and his idiot wife with you. They might think that you are funny.

You lost. Go back to Scotland; and please take Kerry and his idiot wife with you. They might think that you are funny.
You have no idea what that joke was about, do you? All you doing is proving that republicans don't have a sense of humour. Sad, really sad.

Blonde in First Class

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her.

The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Blind Liberals was also blonde ... oooh I do hope so ... :D

Some British troops and some American troops are on exercises. They drive their increibly expensive tanks, fly their incredibly expensive planes and shoot their increnibly expensive guns, generally having a good time. At the end of the exercise, the American commanders decided to prove to the world that even without their expensive equipment, their troops still kick ass. So the last day of the exercises is designated unarmed combat day for both sides.

That afternoon, a large unit of American troops are marching behind a ridge when they here a very clear British accent.

"A British soldier is worth ten Americans!"

The American commander grins and sends ten of his crack troops to capture the loudmouth. He waits ten minutes.

"A British soldier is worth twenty Americans!"

The commander frowns and sends twenty men across the hill. Then he waits twenty minutes.

"A British soldier is worth THIRTY AMERICANS!!!!"

Raging mad, the commander sends his entire remaining unit over the ridge. After the tramp of their boots and their war cries has gone away, he waits half an hour.

Finally, one of his men comes staggering down the hill.

"RUN sir! THERES TWO OF THEM!"

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
The woman replies, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, 'does this taste funny to you?'

A guy meets a woman in a bar. They talk for a while, and discover they're both divorced because their mates thought they were too kinky. The woman says, "Hey. We're both adults here. Why don't we go back to my place and get kinky together?" So they go back to her apartment. The woman says, "Let me change into something a little less comfortable." She comes out of the bathroom in a rubber peekaboo bodysuit and facemask, with a riding crop in one hand and a pair of handcuffs in the other, just in time to see the man walking out the door. She says, "Hey! I thought we were going to get kinky!" The man says, "I fucked your dog. I shit in your purse. I'm outta here."

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him
the dog is in the

backyard. The guy goes into the backyard ands sees a Labrador
Retriever sitting there.
" You talk?" he asks.

" Yep," the Lab replies.

" So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk
when
I
was pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told
the
CIA

about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from
country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one

figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable
spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really
tired me out,

and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle
down.
I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security
work;
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.
I
got married, had a

mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what

he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so

cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

3 men and 1 woman die in a wreck and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. The first one, a chef, talks with St. Peter and asks, "Can I go in?" St. Peter says ,"No. you've loved food more than God your whole life. You became a chef for a reason. Why, you even married a woman named Candy." So he sends him to hell. The second one, an accountant, asks, "Can I go in?" St. Peter, again, says, "No. You've worshipped money all your life. Why do you think you became an accountant? You even married a woman named Penny." So he sends the accountant to hell with the chef. The third guy looks over at his wife and says, "This isn't looking too good for me, Fanny."

Good joke , Ellbownia! Nice to see you back on this forum! :fluffle:

Been away for a while because off a temporary ban (wich was lefted while ago, but had enough of NS for a while, that is why I did not post more early) .

I said what I had to say in a decent manner towards fascists on a "General topic" board but was banned for this (I opposed Etrusca and Sdaeriji extemists talks). Better not be a anti right/left wing extremist, or a political neutral poster on NS or oppose those or other extremists because you allways be the banned (fascist and other rightwinger extremists have a MOD bonus here).

Saw a bit of this now dead joke forum that I started, but the posts stopped somewhere . Why? You guys are allot and don't need me to continue this great topic, wich is only great thanks to you guys! I thank all of you for that!

A very successful lawyer parks his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too closely and completely rips off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just bought the day before, is now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally calms down a bit, the officer shakes his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asks the lawyer. The cop replies, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"

What is the difference between oral and anal sex?

Oral makes your whole day
Anal makes your whole week


Ole and Sven were out duck hunding one day and half the day had passed and they still hadn't bagged one duck. Sven turns to ole and says:

"Ya know Ole, we been here six hours now and aint got nuthing."
"I know Sven, I know. Maybe we should throw the dog higher..."

A coversation between 2 hicks:

Hick 1: MR Ducks
Hick 2: MR Knot
Hick 1: MR 2, CM Wangs
Hick 2: L All B, MR Ducks

What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a syringe?

Mosquito*syringe*sin(theta)

What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber.

You can't cross a vector with a scalar!

What do you get if you cross Dire Straits with Chris Rea?

One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight, then I will become king of the roost."

The old rooster replies, "I know I have gotten old and you can probably knock my block off. I really don't want to fight you. I am willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race. We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the new king of the roost."

The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close in to make the pass and lead the final lap.

Just then, there is a series of shoot gun blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is blown away and sent spinning across the barn yard. Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his wife and says, "Damn it Mildred, that is the third gay rooster we have had this week!!"

I was about town with with the wife, when we saw her mother, in a yellow dress, running down the street. Running behind her were a bunch of kids with helmets, and what-not. Wife wanted to stop, but I was laughing too hard, so we head home. She call her mom, and asks what was going on. Turns out, the kids were in the special ed class. They though MIL was the bus.

blatently stolen from Reader's Digest.

Four stundents walked in halfway through the American History Test at a local community college. "Sorry," they said, "We had a flat tire." An Understanding man, the Professor said that if they could answer one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The Students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said. "Write down which tire was flat."

A man rushes in to a doctor's office wearing nothing but a large plastic bag.

Man: Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.



A boss of a large company and two of his employees are on their way to work when they find a magic genie's bottle. They open it up and the genie each grants them one wish. The first employee says, "Well, I always wanted to retire early and go off to live in the Carribean." Poof, he's gone. The second employee says, "Well, I always wanted to retire early and live in a big mansion in Europe." Poof, he's gone.

The boss says, "I want those two back before lunch."

Two vampire bats are stuck in a cave. They're both hungry. The first one flys out to find food. Comes back with his face covered in flood.

Wow says the second bat show me where you found that!

The two bats fly out into the night.

The first one says

"do you see that hill"

"yeah" says the second

"do you see the village on the hill"

"yeah"

"can you see the Nun's convent on the highest part of the hill!"

"Yeah!"

"Do you see the spire?"

"YEAH!"

"I Didn't."

A man rushes in to a doctor's office wearing nothing but a large plastic bag.

Man: Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.



A man rushes in to a doctor's office wearing nothing but a large clear plastic bag.

Man: Doctor, doctor, what's wrong with me?

Doctor: Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

See how that works better?

The Emperor's Prime Minister is a very keen calligrapher. Unfortunately, he isn't very good. One night, however, he has a dream of a poem, transcribed in perfect cursive hand. He wakes up in the middle of the night and immediately writes it down. He studies his work and is very satisfied

Next morning when his nephew, who is also his assistant, wakes up the Prime Minister orders him to make as many copies as he can. The nephew studies the calligraphy but simply cannot make out the characters. Finally he is forced to admit to the Prime Minister that he cannot understand what he has written. The Prime Minister studies his work and realises that neither can he.

So he smacks the boy on the side of the head and asks him "why didn't you tell me earlier?"



Well, my students always laugh when I tell it.

I just don't get Chinese jokes.

blatently stolen from Reader's Digest.

Four stundents walked in halfway through the American History Test at a local community college. "Sorry," they said, "We had a flat tire." An Understanding man, the Professor said that if they could answer one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The Students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said. "Write down which tire was flat."

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/flattire.asp makes interesting reading.

very funny...ROTFL over some of them..Your jokes suit your name well!!

Its new years eve and the lonliest man in the world is sat in pub with a pint of Bitter. All of a sudden an Alien comes in buys very quitly a packet of KP peanuts and pours them into the ash tray.

"Wow" says the man why did you do that. The Alien says nothing. "I'll tell you what if you don't tell me why you did that I'll cut off your right arm."

The Alien says nothing. The man pulls an antique sword from the wall and cuts of the Alien's right arm". The Alien Shrieks and runs off.

Its new years eve and the lonliest man in the world is sat in pub with a pint of Bitter. All of a sudden an Alien comes in buys very quitly a packet of KP peanuts and pours them into the ash tray.

"Wow" says the man why did you do that. The Alien says nothing. "I'll tell you what if you don't tell me why you did I'll cut off your left arm."

The Alien says nothing. The man pulls an antique sword from the wall and cuts of the Alien's left arm". The Alien Shrieks and runs off.

Its new years eve and the lonliest man in the world is sat in pub with a pint of Bitter. All of a sudden an Alien comes in buys very quitly a packet of KP peanuts and pours them into the ash tray using his teeth obviously.

"Wow" says the man why did you do that. The Alien says nothing. "I'll tell you what if you don't tell me why I did that, I 've been very reasonable I'll cut off your right leg."

The Alien says nothing. The man pulls an antique sword from the wall and cuts of the Alien's right leg". The Alien Shrieks and hops off.

Its new years eve and the lonliest man in the world is sat in pub with a pint of Bitter. All of a sudden an Alien comes in buys very quitly a packet of KP peanuts and pours them into the ash tray.

"Wow" says the man why did you do that. The Alien says nothing. "I'll tell you what if you don't tell me why you do that I'll cut off your left leg."

The Alien says nothing. The man pulls an antique sword from the wall and cuts of the Alien's left leg". The Alien Shrieks and rolls off.


Its new years eve and the lonliest man in the world is sat in pub with a pint of Bitter. All of a sudden an Alien comes in buys very quitly a packet of KP peanuts and pours them into the ash tray. Using only his mind.

"Wow" says the man why did you do that. The Alien says nothing. "I'll tell you what if you don't tell me why you do that for the very last time I'll cut off your head."

The Alien says nothing. The man pulls an antique sword from the wall and cuts of the Alien's head.

And he never found out why the Alien put the peanuts in the ash tray.

Why did the man fall off his bicycle?

Because someone threw a fridge at him.

An old Man dies and goes to heaven. When He reaches St. Peter, St. Peter claims he is not dead.
But I am Dead, says the old man otherwise I wouldn't be here.
Fair enough says St. Peter, its the new IT system for my i-palm it takes 10 mintues to down load. But can't be bothered to wait that long there is an eathquake in chile there will be a que you know I'l have to send you to hell.
No! crys the old man. I'll tell you what asks St. Peter if you can tell me just one good deed I'll let you in.
Just one asked the old man. Well once I was walking down after me evening's half pint when suddenly I saw these hooligans tormenting this girl. Go on says St . Peter. So I forced her away from danger and she ran away. Look I said to these hooligans its time for me to teach you a lesson you'll never forget a lesson in pain. So when did you do this. Asked St. Peter quite impressed. About 3 minutes ago.

bump