NationStates Jolt Archive

So there is a Russian guy, and American guy, and they meet in hell

So Satan questions them what kind of hell would like to go to? Russian or American. American guys asked what was the difference, and Satan answered. "Well In American hell you have to eat 1 bucket of shit everyday, and in Russian 2 buckets of shit everyday."

So American calculated for awhile, and said that he wanted to go to American Hell, since there is only one bucket of shit to eat.

Russian, said, well my life was shit anyway, always lived in shit, so I guess I'll go to Russian hell.

2 months later:

Same people meet each other, and asking how is in each hell, the American guy said well, eat 1 bucket of shit, and that's it. How is it in the Russian hell he asks, so the Russian answers. "Well sometimes we don't have enough buckets for everyone, or they forget to deliver shit.

t'yar har har

Another one:

Three US tourists were driving through Wales.

As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers, those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on."
"There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable."

A diminutive Welshman was up before the magistrates in London charged with a sexual assault on a much larger Australian female.

The magistrates were baffled as to how he had managed it and closely questioned the policeman who had arrested him.

"How on earth did he do it, officer?"

"He used a bucket, sir."

"You mean he stood on it?"

"No, sir, he put it over her head and swung from the handle."

*laughs* i like them. here's one of mine:

A man was critically ill and lying in hospital, the only way he would survive was if he had a heart transplant. Fortunately two matches were found, a social worker's and an attorney's. When questioned on which one he would like the man quickly announced "The attorney's". He was asked why he had made his decision so quickly and wouldnt he like to know a little about the people first to which the patient replied, "Everyone knows social workers are bleeding hearts and attorney's has never been used so i'll take that one."

Hey, that first one was mine.

A telephone is ringing in the Kremlin. It’s a long-distance call, and someone wants to speak with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev. A staffer tells the caller that, unfortunately, the long-ailing Brezhnev is now dead.
After just a few minutes, the phone rings again and the same voice asks to speak with Brezhnev.
“Look, he’s dead!,” the caller is told once more. “Didn’t you hear me the first time?!”
“Of course. But it’s just such a nice thing to hear.”

Question: How many times can you tell a good joke in the Soviet Union?
Answer: Three times. Once to a friend, once to a police investigator—and once to your cell mate.

A few of my favourites:
Did you hear about the Dyslexic Devil Worshipper?
He sold his Soul to Santa

A man goes to a doctor and says he has trouble lasting long enough during sex to satisfy his wife. The doctor tells him not to worry, a lot of men have the same problem. The best thing to do is masturbate an hour before-hand - that way you'll last longer.
Since they have regularly have sex when he comes home from work, the man decides where would be the best place. Obviously the office is out (since it's open-plan), as is the restroom (difficult to explain to the boss). He dismisses hiding in the park or going to a public toilet for fear of being caught or mis-interpreted as to what he wants. Obviously he can't do while driving home, as he might crash.
Finally he comes up with an idea: On the way home he'll pulls his SUV over the side of the road and crawl underneath. This way no-one can see what he's doing and will simly think he's checking his car. So this what he does - pulls off the highway, crawls under, closes his eyes, pulls his pants down and takes himself in hand (so to speak).
A few minutes later he feels someone kicking his foot and a voice: 'This is the Police, sir. Would you mind telling me what you're doing down there?"
As he's close to finishing and not wanting to ruin his fantasy, he keeps his eyes closed and yells out: "Just checking my truck for an oil leak officer!"
The Policeman reples: "In that case, you might want to also check the brakes while you're at it. Your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

And the final one:
An old farmer hires a young kid to help him round his farm. The first day he sends him off to the back-blocks to check the fences. He tells him he'll meet back at the homestead for lunch.
12pm comes and go and no sign of the kid. 1pm and still no sign, so the Farmer gets on the radio and calls him up: "What's wrong? You should have been back an hour ago"
The kid comes on all upset sounding: 'I'm stuck! I was pulling out onto the road and I hit a pig! He's all tangled up in the bull-bars and I don't know what to do!"
The Farmer comes back: "Don't worry - these things happen. Just pull him out and roll the carcass in the ditch."
"But he's not dead!! And he's awfully big and angry-looking and he's kicking and screaming and I'm afraid to go near him cause I think he'll hurt me bad!"
The Farmer replies: "Look just calm down. this has happened to me before. In the back of the truck there's a rifle. Get it out shoot the pig through the head and then you'll be able pull the carcass from out of the bull-bars. Roll it into the ditch and I'll meet you back here in half an hour."
half and hour passes. Then an hour and still no sign of the kid. So the Farmer gets back on the radio:"Where the hell are you?"
"I'm still at the paddock and I'm still stuck!"
The Farmer is getting wild by this point: "Did you shoot the pig and roll the carcass into the ditch like I told you to?"
"Yep, I did all that!"
"So why the hell are you still stuck?"
"It's his motorbike - it's still jammed under the truck!"

the doctor one was good.

and now: some blonde jokes

Why are blondes buried in y-shaped coffins?

Once you get them on their back, their legs spread

What do you call four blondes laid ear to ear?

a wind tunnedl

How do you kill a blonde?

Throw a scratch-n-sniff in the bottom of a pool

What did the blonde's left leg say to the blonde's right leg?

nothing, they never met

Why would blondes make such bad cow herders?

they can't keep their own calves together

What do you call a blonde with pig-tails?

A blow-job with handle bars

Besides those, there are a whole host of dead baby jokes, Helen Keller jokes, and rascist jokes.

What do you call a blonde on a water bed?

A drilling rig

It was the height of the Cold War. The CIA knew the Soviet Union was building a huge military installation in the middle of Siberia near Krasnoyarsk. They badly needed to find out what the installation's purpose was.

Fortunately, they had a new super-spy almost finished with his training. He'd been in training for almost ten years and he was to used for difficult and dangerous missions in Russia. He spoke fluent Russian and knew deadly martial arts. This was to be his baptism in fire...

The CIA flew the spy over Krasnoyarsk on a long-range spy plane and he parachuted down. After hiding his parachute he started the arduous trek to the installation in a detailed copy of a Russian major's uniform, complete down to decals and boot laces. When he got to the gate he greeted the guards with perfect Russian: "Hello, comrades. Beautiful day isn't it?" The guards immediately raised their Kalashnikovs and one of them shouted: "Get him! He's an American spy!"

The spy asked the guards how they saw through him when he was being stripped of his hidden weapons. The guard answered: "We don't have too many majors who are black."

A blind man passes a fishmonger: "Ladies..."

(Prompted by all the 1/6 photos recently)

A little girl is sitting on Santa's lap, telling how she wants a pony, and a new doll house, a new Barbie, and a GI Joe.

Santa: "I thought Barbie came with Ken?"

Girl: "No, she comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken!"

A man comes home to find his wife jumping around the house naked and her husband asks "What is the meaning of this?"

"The doctor told me I have breasts of an eighteen year old!"

The husband then replies: "Did he say anything about your forty-five year old ass?"

"No, he didn't mention anything about you", she replied.


Q: How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Ten. You gotta problem with that?


Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the second one to give it a surprise twist.


"Arnie, I want breast implants", his wife says to him.

"We can't afford it. Put some toilet paper in between your breasts."

"Why?" she asks.

"It worked with your ass."


Now some classic Ole and Sven jokes:

Sven and Ole, who are both from Northern Minnesota, traveled down to Texas for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street in Dallas, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair." Ole says to his pal, "Sven, look at dat! Ve could buy a whole bunch of dese clothes, take 'em back to Minnesota, sell 'em to all our friends, and make a fortune!"

Ole continues, "Now ven ve go in dere, don't you say a vurd, okay? Yust let me do the talkin' 'cause if dey hear your accent, they might tink ve're ignorant Norvegians, and dey von't vanna sell dem clothes to us. Now, I'll talk like I'm a Texan, so dey von't know."

Ole and Sven go in and Ole says with his best fake Texas accent, "Howdy, y'all. Ah'll take 50 of them there suits at five dollahs each, 100 of them there shirts at two dollahs each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at two-fifty each. So, Ah'll just back up mah pickup and......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are a coupla Norewegians from Minnesota, ain't you?"

"Vell . . yah," says a surprised Ole . "How'd you know dat?"

The owner replies, "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."


Sven & Ole were working in a factory and were talking on their coffee break.

"I tink I'll take some time off from da vork." says Sven.

"How do you tink you'll do dat?" asks Ole.

Sven proceeds to show Ole...he climbs up to the rafters, and hangs upside down. The boss walks in, sees Sven hanging from the ceiling, and asks him what on earth he is doing? "I'm da light bulb" answers Sven.

"I think you need some time off," says the boss.

So, Sven jumps down and walks out of the factory.

Ole starts walking out too.

The boss asks Ole "where do you think your going?

Ole answers, "Home, I can't vork in the dark".



Sven asks his friend Ole "Vair is your vife Lena?"

Ole says "Lena and her friends vent tew da Islands for a vacation"

Sven says "Jamaica"

Ole replies " No, she vanted tew go"


Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian.and my name isn't Valter."



Sven, Ole, and Lars, were stumbling home late one night after the "Sons of Norway" meeting and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Lars, "It's Gunnar Anderson's grave, God bless his soul, he lived to da ripe old age of 87." "Dat's nothin", says Ole, "here's vun named Yon Yohnson. It says here dat he vas 95 ven he died." Just then, Sven yells out, "Vell here's a fella dat died ven he vas 145 years old!" "Vhat vas his name?" asks Ole. Sven lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Minneapolis."

The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Minnesota quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Minnesota quarters that were recently issued", Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other coin-operated devices. We believe the problem lies in a design flaw." said Shackelford.

The winning design for the Minnesota quarter was submitted by Sven Peterson and Ole Johnson of Hibbing, Minnesota. Sven commented, "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."


A Minnesotan's Guide to Computer Lingo:

BYTE: how Lena stops Ole's advances.

LOG ON: dats how ya make da vood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: vhat Sven vas trying to do vhen he burnt his hands terrible.

MONITOR: keep an eye on da vood stove.

MEGAHERTZ: ven a big log drops on your foot.

COMPACT DISK: vhat ya get from lifting logs dat's too heavy.

FLOPPY DISK: vhat da lefse looks like vhen it's cooked yust right.

RAM: da hydraulic ting dat makes da voodsplitter vork.

DRIVE: how you get home ven da snow's not too deep.

HARD DRIVE: dat's vhen you're going to Dalute vhen da snow's deep.

PROMPT: vhat ya vish da mail vas during da snow season.

ENTER: vhen ya come on in!

WINDOWS: vhat ya shut vhen it gets 10 below out.

SCREEN: vaht ya gotta have in blackfly season.

CHIP: vhat ya munch on during da Vikings game.

MICROCHIP: vhat's left in da bottom of da bag vhen da big ones are gone.

MODEM: vhat ve did to da hayfields last yuly.

DOT MATRIX: Lars Matrix's vife.

LAPTOP: vhere da grandkids sit.

KEYBOARD: vher ya suppose to put da keys so da Missus can find em.

SOFTWARE: da plastic picnic utinsils.

HARDWARE: vhen da missus starches da undervare.

MOUSE: vhat leaves dem turds in da cupboard.

MAINFRAME: da part of da outhouse dat holds up da roof.

SERIAL PORT: vhere da vheaties come from by boat to Dalute

Sven: "Ole, stand in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."


Those in Minnesota may not know this, but Ole was shot. He was up with his 4-wheeler cutting some trees by the Canadian border.

Some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him and using the loudspeaker, shouted to him, "Who are you and what are you doing?"

Ole shouted back, "OLE... BIN LOGGIN!"


In an apparent copycat terrorist act, terrorists Sven and Ole Binladenstrom have hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far, they have bounced off 5 buildings.

More details to follow...


One Sunday after church Sven meets Ole in the parking lot and notices that Ole has a big black eye. Sven says "Ole, Vat happen'd??!?"

Ole says "Vell, ya know how hot it's been lately?"

Sven listening with a worried look says "Ya".

Ole says "Vell, vee ver sitting in church and ven vee stood up to sing da hymn the lady in front of me had her dress stuck between her buuns, so I pulled it out and I tink she didn't like dat"

The next week, Sven and Ole meet up in the church parking lot on Sunday morning but this time Ole's other eye is swelled up and black while the original shiner is healing. This time Sven, even more concerned says "Yumpin' Yiminey, Ole! Vat happened!!??"

So Ole says "Vell, ya know how hot it's been lately?"

Sven, shaking his head says "Ya".

Ole says "Vell, vee ver sitting in church and ven vee stood up to sing da hymn the lady in front of me had her dress stuck between her buuns and den da fella next to me, he pulled it out and, of course, I stuck it back in but I guess she didn't like dat."

Q: How many University of Colorado students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to hold the bulb, and nine to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Hanover doesn't have electricity.

Q: How many Yale students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. New Haven looks better in the dark.

Q: How many Wellesley students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The whole student body. Girls can't do anything right.

Q: How many Stanford students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, dude.

Q: How many Texas Tech students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but how'd they get in the light bulb to begin with?

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to describe it as an enlightened government program to bring light to the masses, one to call it an evil government scheme to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pullitzer Prize for reporting that the government actually broke the bulb in the first place.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. Two to screw it in, and four to testify that the bulb was lit from the moment they began screwing.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They'll just sit in the dark and cry.

The UN recently sent out a questionnaire to people in many different countries. They asked "Please would you give us your honest opinion on what would be the best solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

Unfortunately, the questionnaire was a complete failure and very few responses were received. Sadly, nobody in Africa understood what "food" meant; nobody in Eastern Europe understood what "honest" meant; nobody in western Europe understood what "shortage" meant; nobody in the Middle East understood what "solution" meant; nobody in China understood what "opinion" meant; nobody in Latin America understood what "please" meant and nobody in the USA uderstood what "the rest of the world" meant!

A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's 'excuse me'?''

Why A Man Can't Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good for nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, that's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your arse and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that's favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you are proud of your achievements, you are up yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river."

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Judgement Day

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

France's history. Battle of Tours. Frankish kings crush oncoming Muslem calvary, stopping them finally in their tracks and preventing all out destruction of Europe.

Bring it on boy, I've taken AP Euro.

-Fury

France's history. Battle of Tours. Frankish kings crush oncoming Muslem calvary, stopping them finally in their tracks and preventing all out destruction of Europe.

Bring it on boy, I've taken AP Euro.

-Fury
Geez... this is a joke thread, can't you take a joke?! :rolleyes:

1) It's a JOKE thread.
2) You came up with ONE victory as a rebuttal??? ;)

the doctor one was good.

and now: some blonde jokes

Why are blondes buried in y-shaped coffins?



What do you call four blondes laid ear to ear?



How do you kill a blonde?



What did the blonde's left leg say to the blonde's right leg?



Why would blondes make such bad cow herders?



What do you call a blonde with pig-tails?



Besides those, there are a whole host of dead baby jokes, Helen Keller jokes, and rascist jokes.


Knock it off. These are inappropriate for this forum.

A man is walking with his young son in a pharmacy, when they happen upon the "family planning" section. The young boy asks "What are those, daddy?"

A bit nervously, the man explains condoms to his son, who then asks, "What is that for?", ponting to a three pack.

"Those are for High School boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The answer seems to appease the boy, until he spots a six pack. "What are those for?"

"Those are for college guys. Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.

The boy then spots a twelve pack. "What are those?"

The father gives a forlorn look and explains, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February...

A guy is very sure that he is going to get lucky with his girlfriend tonight. He has it all planned out: firstly, he will go and meet her parents over dinner at a restaurant, and make them like him. Next, he will take her to his house and work his charm on her. So he's very sure of himself.

However, he has a problem - he doesn't have any condoms! So he goes over to the local pharmacy store to buy some (because the dumbass doesn't know about Family Planning in NZ that will give you 124 for $2 if you are ANY AGE). So he goes up to the counter and asks the manager for some. The manager says, "how many would you like?" The guy says, "Well, I think I'm going to get her tonight. Better make it a 12 pack." He buys them and goes off happy.

Dinnertime rolls around. At the restaurant he surprises everyone by showing them how much he knows about vintage wines. His girlfriend whispers in his ear, "You didn't tell me you were a wine fanatic!" He whispers in hers, "You didn't tell me your father was the pharmasuticalist!"


Mickey is filing a divorce from Minney. The judge says, "Mickey, I cannot allow you to diveroce your wife solely on grounds that she is crazy."

Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

(because the dumbass doesn't know about Family Planning in NZ that will give you 124 for $2 if you are ANY AGE)Hmm, interesting thing to bury in the middle of a joke, lol. Funny joke too, btw.

Mickey is filing a divorce from Minney. The judge says, "Mickey, I cannot allow you to diveroce your wife solely on grounds that she is crazy."

Mickey says, "I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."

I love this joke

Geez... this is a joke thread, can't you take a joke?! :rolleyes:

Euh, please stop posting your anti French (or anti other nations) propaganda. Like you said, it is a joke thread but that also goes for you.

More Sven and Ole !!

Laughing
Out
Loud

A man visits a docter in a panic:" DOCTER, a crocodile bit my are off"
"Well," says the docter, "That's what they do"

A bus of nuns have an accident. They all die and arrive at the Heavenly Gates. The keeper says: "Because you're all nuns you can come in anyway, but you'll have to wash the parts with which you've sinned, or else those parts will incinerate"

First nun just walkes on by
Second nun washes her hands
As the third nun walks up a nun in the back the line yells: "Can I drink some first before she put ass in the water?"

More Sven and Ole !!

You know, in real my firstname is ...Sven. But will watch for more Ole & Sven :D

I've got one...

A man has a vintage motorcycle which he loves more than anything. Only problem is the rubber sealant has worn away. So, everytime it rains he has to smear vasaline on the seams to stop the bike being ruined.
So, one night he is going to his girlfriends parents house for dinner. He picks her up on the bike and they drive to the house. Before they go in his girlfriend warns him "Don't say anything when we're at the diner table. We have this deal where the first person to say something has to do the dishes."
So, they go into the house and there are dirty dishes everywhere, stacked up to the ceiling. During dinner the man decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girfriend, spreads her across the table and has sex with her right there. No one says anything. A little later he repeats the performance, but with his girlfriends mum. Again, no one says a thing. Then he looks out the window and sees it is beginning to rain, so he pulls out his vasaline and stands up. At this the father shouts out "All right, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

by reading this, i can tell Kyarsithan or whatever is a female and obviously inferi- i mean sensitive... Oh and maybe blonde...heres my joke!

Three women are trapped on an island. One is blonde, on is a redhead and the other a burnette. They walk around the island, bitching about it when suddenly, they find a lamp.

They decide to clean it, by instict when suddenly a genie comes out!

"You all have three wishes, as long as they are reasonable"

the burnette, ever the tomboy, wishes she had the materials to make a mean, lean, touch ass airplane flying machine. The genie does so and she flies off.

The redhead wishes she could have evil satanic gothic powers and fly off the island. The genie tells her so she wishes for a house and some paper and pens to write depressive poetry for all eternity in her unlamenting suffering. The genie does so.

The blonde, thinking of the other two, wishes to be more intelligent. The genie grants it and she turns into a man and steps out of the sandbox.

Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a river
1:"How do I get to the other side?"
2:"What do you mean? You're already ON the other side!!"





2:"Ooh wait! I have a flashlight. I'll turn it on and shine it towards you. You can walk on the light beam!"
1:"Yeah right, and when I'm half way you'll flip the light off!"




1:"Wait I see a bridge!"
She walkes to the bridge and when she's half way:
2:"What river is it?"
1:"I don't know"
2:"Jump down and taste it!"
1:"OK"
The first blonde jumps and after 3 hours she finally reaches the other side
2:"Well?"
1:"It was the highway..."

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A: Place a mirror at the bottom of the ocean.

Q: How many republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 40. One to hold the lightbulb, 39 to rotate the room.

how do you drive a blonde crazy?

Say you've placed a mirror in the corner of a round chamber

Euh, please stop posting your anti French (or anti other nations) propaganda. Like you said, it is a joke thread but that also goes for you.
It's not hateful "anti"-French. Heck, I like the French. They are such nice drivers compared to the a$$holes here in North America!

Also, I don't consider it "anti" propoganda. If you've read any of my other posts in other threads, I do NOT show signs of being "anti" any nation except America under the Bush regime.

It's not anti propoganda until it preaches that you MUST hate or be against this group of people. Never once did I say that.

lol, good jokes all of you

A group of tourists once visited the grave of the famous composer, Mozart, behind a church.

As they were about to turn away, after offering their respects, music started to emanate from beneath.

However, they noted that it was Mozart's third symphony playing backwards.

One of the visitors rushed to call the priest.

The priest listened intently and said, "Oh, there's nothing to worry about. That's just Mozart decomposing!"

Two ladies are walking home after a night on the town through a cemetary, when one of them feels nature call. After she goes near a grave, the only thing to wipe with is some fake memorial flowers from the grave. She gets home, takes off her clothes and passes out on the bed.

In the morning she wakes to see her husband looking very unhappy.
"did you have a good night?" he says
"why?" she replies
"because i found this card stuck in your in your butt crack; 'we will never forget you, from all the guys down at the fire station'"

:)

lol, good jokes all of you


Feel free to post

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full
beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, No" the man replies.

"Can you get him for me?

I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard
and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can
do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.



......




......



......



"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."

Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery



The prizewinner wrote:

"My God," said the queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

The Ballonist:

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A little old lady walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to open an account with the bank and deposit the $3 million she had in the bag. She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the large amt. of money involved.

The teller opened the bag and saw bungles of $100 bills and thinking this a reasonable request telephoned the president's secretary to make an appointment for the lady. Later the lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money and whether it was perhaps and inheritance. She replied "No, I bet on people."

Seeing his confusion she explained that she just bet different things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker but decided to take up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose.

For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, after all, there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower he checked to make sure everything was normal. There was no difference. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day.

How often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing he thought! At 10:00 a.m. sharp, the little old lady was shown into the president's office. With her was a younger man who she introduced as her lawyer. She said she always took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "What about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The little old lady seemed to accept this but insisted that she be able to see for herself.

The bank president thought the request reasonable and dropped his trouser. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine, but then the Bank President looked up and saw the lady's attorney across the room, banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked. "Oh, him?", she replied, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 a.m. this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.

An young lady inherited a very beautiful parrot when her Aunt died. The girl was surprised to find out that her Aunt had been a very successful Madam and was well known for her sexual appetite. When she got the bird home she soon learned that the bird had quite a vocabulary and that she ended each string of words with the phrase,

"I'm a whore."

Well the girl was engaged to the son of a preacher and knew that she couldn't keep the bird around once she got married so she discussed the situation with her soon to be husband, after giving the situation some thought he brought the problem to his father. The preacher informed the son that he had a couple of little old ladies in his congregation who also had parrots and that these particular birds spent all of their time in prayer. He called the old ladies and explained the situation. The old ladies invited him to bring the bird to them and felt sure that the naughty bird would benefit from the exposure to the Holy birds.

Soon the birds were brought together and as the naughty bird was introduced into the cage with the Holy parrots she exclaimed, "I'm a whore." Instantly the other two parrots exclaimed,

"OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

The Restaurant:
A man goes to a fancy restaurant, where he's heard the service is sublime and the soup fantastic. The waiter shows him to his table. He notices that the waiter has a string coming out his zipper, which he finds a bit odd.
Upon sitting down, he accidently knocks the soup spoon off the table. Before it's barely hit the floor, the waiter is there picking it up and pulling another from his pocket which he places on the table.
Suitably impressed, the man orders dinner: soup for starters and the steak for dinner. A glass of red to accompany the steak.
As he is waiting for his order he notices that all the male waiters have a piece of string sticking out of their trouser zipper. Very odd.
The soup is superb, and as soon as he's finished the steak the waiter is at hand, pulling several toothpicks from his pocket to hand to him. Relaxing into this superb service, the man is about to order a second glass when the waiter appears with one.
As he leaves, he feels the need to compliment the waiter. He goes up and tells him how impressed he was.
"Oh it wasn't anything special sir" The waiter replies.
"But how did you know I would want a second glass of wine?"
"Well, we had an efficiency expert come in and he noticed that 78% of satisfied customers would order one. So to maximise efficiency if we see you're enjoying yourself, we bring a glass over. This saves 15 minutes per day in traipsing back and forth."
"And the spoon?"
"Same thing. 54% of our customers knock it off when first sitting down. It saves 7 minutes per day if we carry a spare in our pocket."
"One final question that I've been dying to ask: What's with the string out your zipper?"
"Ahh, now that's the efficiency expert again. He found we could save 9 mintes each day if we didn't have to wash our hands when we went to the bathroom. In order to achieve this, we tie a piece of string to our dicks and then simply have to unzip our trousers, tug the string and do our business."
"Well, that explains getting it out, but how do you put it back in without touching it?" The man asks.
"We use the spoon."

How do you know it is midnight at Michael Jackson's house?


When the big hand touches the little hand.

St Peter (the gatekeeper of heaven) gets bored with his job and decides to start a new policy. He will ask for good stories about how people died, if theyre good, they can come in. If theyre not, they go to hell.

So a new guy comes to the gate. St Peter asks him, "Did you have an exciting death?"

"Yeah," says the man. "I think I killed someone just before I died"

"Really?" Asks St Peter.

"Yeah I came home from work to find my wife half naked and the bed messed up. So I go around the apartment screaming and swearing tearing the place apart. Then I see a man holding on to the edge of the balcony. I figure hes her boyfreind. Were on the 20th floor, and there are no railings as the building is under construction. So I jump on his fingers, but he wont let go. So I throw my microwave at him, but he dodges it. So I throw my new 42 inch flatscreen TV at him. He still holds on. Finally I go in the apartment, and drag the fridge out and throw it on him. He lets go and falls to his death."

"Great", says St. Peter, "So, how did you die?"

"Oh, well Im in my 50's and I already had 2 heart attacks. And I felt chest pains as soon as I threw the fridge on that guy".

"Okay then", says ST Peter, you may not fit in as this is heaven and you just killed someone, but go ahead."

The next guy in line says, "That was an interesting story, you see I live on the 21st floor. I was sitting on my balcony sunbathing when I slipped off the edge and managed to grab hold of the balcony right below mine. Then some crazy guy starts throwing things at me. He threw a fridge at me and I fell. I surveved the fall, the fridge crashed on me though."

"Well," says St. Peter. "You can come in too."

The next guy comes up, "Okay, this is how it happened, Im naked and Im hiding in this fridge....."

Nobody knows a good joke here?

I heard this one on TV once:

Whats the difference between you and a mallard with the flu?
One is a sick duck, I can't remember the rest but your mom is a whore



-Rather stupid one I admit, but its pretty funny if you do it in person

A classic joke :


During the Cold War a C.I.A. agent enters the US president's office:
"Sir, we have alarming news! The russians are planning to paint the Moon in red. What should we do?"
"Don't worry, let'em plan..."
After a couple of weeks the agent comes again:
"Sir, they started painting the Moon in red. We must stop them!"
"No, don't worry, let them continue..."
Again, after a few more weeks the CIA agent comes again:
"Mr. Pressident, the russians painted more than half of the Moon in red, we must do something!"
"There's no hurry, leave them alone..."
After a few days, the alarmed agent comes:
"Sir, there's too late. The russians have just finished painting the Moon in red"
"Ok, send an Apollo team to write on it "Coca-Cola" " :)

Okay, I'll also tell you guys some jokes I know.

What do Italian tanks have rear view mirrors for?
So that the soldiers can see the front every once in a while.

A door-to-door insurance salesman comes to an old farmhouse and knocks on the door. A young boy opens up. "Hello little fellow. May I talk to your dad?" The boy replies: "That's not possible. He was run over by a tractor." - "Oh, I am sorry. Then may I talk to your mom?" And again the boy replies: "That's not possible either. She was run over by a tractor." The salesman is shocked: "So you are living on this huge farm all by yourself? How do you keep yourself busy all day?" And the boy answers: "I'm driving around in our tractor..."

An American tourist goes to Cologne, Germany. He takes a guided city tour. But all the time he gets on the other people's nerves by saying how in America, everything is bigger, better, faster, higher, bla bla bla. Finally, the tour guide shows them the famous Cologne Cathedral. Almost immediately, the American starts complaining: "And how long did it take you to build that thing? You know, we built the Empire State Building, which is three times as high as that, in less than a year..." The tour guide now gets really angry and shouts out: "Oh my Gosh, THAT wasn't here yesterday!!!"

It is the climax of the Cold War, when Russia had been oppressing the peoples of eastern Europe for several decades now. The Russian primer minister, Brezhnev, gives some American journalists a guided tour through the Kremlin. They enter the ball room. It is magnificent, there is gold and ivory everywhere. They continue their tour to Brezhnev's office. Here, too, everything is full of platinum, gold, and amber. The journalists are stunned by so many luxuries. Brezhnev explains: "All of that comes from my workers in East Germany." A journalist: "Wow, the East Germans must really love you." Brezhnev responds: "You're right. They must !"

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

Since we're on cold war jokes...
Breshnev is at the UN. He meets up with Regan and has a talk. He tells Reagan that normally the Soviets wouldn't ask for anything from the Capalist West but this is different - the Soviet population is growing too fast. There'll be a major food shortage if nothing's done to halt it.
"We need Condoms!" Breshnez tells Reagan
"Yes, as it's humanitarian, I'm sure Congress will allow it" is Reagan's reply
"Ah, good, good. Now they need to be 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, you understand." Breshnez says with a smile.
Reagan goes back to the Whitehouse and gets on the phone to the Condom plant.
"We need 1 million packs for Russia. 10" long, 3" wide. Stamp 'Made in USA' on one side, and while you're at it, 'Small' on the other".

Why not an Irish joke:
Paddy and Mick are going for a walk in the forest. They see a sign saying "Tree Fellers wanted".
Mick says "Ahh, tis a shame Seamus isn't with us! We could have gotten ourselves a job!"

Q: What do Siegfried and the tiger have in common?
A: They both know what Roy tastes like.

Two blonde women, who are close friends, are walking down the street. The first blonde sees a woman's compact laying on the sidewalk and picks it up, opens it and upon seeing herself in the mirror says, "She looks familiar."

The second blonde asks to see and the first passes her the compact. The second looks in the mirror and says, "Duh, it's me you idiot."

Cheers,

The Manager of Fawlty Towers.

PS Anyone saw Manuel? That guy is allways gone when you need him :gundge:

Great jokes, thanks Basil.
Just read the topic again, wow. :p :p :D

Saddam got spat in the face.... his moustach was on fire.

There was a pair of twins once. A good one and a bad one. The bad one is eventually killed by some drug dealers. 30-40 some odd years later the good one dies of natural causes.

The good one ends up in heaven and he goes around looking for his brother. But he cant find him. So he goes to god and asks him, "Wheres my brother?"

God says, "Well, you see....your brother wasnt a good guy so he....is in hell. But seeing as you were a nice man you can look in on him."

So they look into hell and there is the bad brother. Sitting on a nice beach with a keg of beer in one arm and a blonde in the other. The good brother says to good, "You call that hell?"

God says, "Yeah, you see the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde dosnt."

no offense to blondes

how do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil

a blonde is hiking through the woods and she comes across a shepherd and his sheep. what lovely sheep she says. if i can count how many there are can i have one? the shepherd thinks about it and agrees. she counts them all off, picks one up and starts to walk away. just then the shepherd says, if i can guess what colour your hair is, can i have my sheep back? she's wearing a hat, so she agrees, thinking he won't be able to tell. he asks you're a blonde, right? yes, but how did you know? she says. put down my dog and we'll talk.

a blonde, a brunette and a red head are being chased by ferocious pirates. they spot a warehouse filled with burlap sacks. the brunette says, quick we can hide in the bags. if the pirates come, just pretend you're somthing else. after hiding in the bags, the pirates show up. first they pick up the bag with the brunette. Meow, meow she says. they put the bag down thinking it's a cat. second they pick up the bag with the red head. Woof, woof. they put down the bag thinking it's a dog. finally they pick up the bag with the blonde. Potato, potato.

I heard this one on TV once:

Whats the difference between you and a mallard with the flu?
One is a sick duck, I can't remember the rest but your mom is a whore



-Rather stupid one I admit, but its pretty funny if you do it in person
SNL.

rascist jokes.

those are the best :)

Did'ja hear the one about the two lesbian vampires that meet once a month?


One day, Bob's girlfriend Sue comes running up to him, crying.
"Bob!" she says, "People are saying horrible, nasty things about you! They're calling you a pervert, and they're saying that you're a pedophile!"
Bob critically examined Sue. "Did you say pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 7 year old..."


Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two white horses fell in the mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? They took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a REALLY dirty joke? Bubbles is a guy.

An Italian and a Jew are sitting on a beach in the Veneto when a beautiful naked woman walks by and gestures for the two to follow her into a little bungalow.


"Hey, lets go screw her!" says the Italian
to which the Jew replies
"out of what?"

that is pretty funny
hahaha :)

It's grey on the inside and transparant on the outside?
An elephant in a plastic bag.

How do you know a blonde was on your computer?
There's correction fluid on the screen.

Why does a blonde have a knife in the car?
To take short cuts

An American, an English man and Michael Jackson are on a sinking ship.
Englishman:"Children first!"
American:"Fuck the children" and jumps in a life boat.
Jackson:"There's still time for that?"

What do you do when your mother-in-law is on fire?
At an extinguisher and hit out the fire.

What do you do when your mother-in-law goes out?
Relight her

A blonde is on a graveyard and a man passes by.
Man:"Do you dig graves?"
Blonde:"They're okay, I guess..."

A couple of proctologist jokes:

A proctologist goes to a bank. At the counter he grabs his chequebook and pulls out a thermometer from his pocket and starts to write with it. He realises his error and starts swearing.
"What's wrong?" asks the Teller
"If this is my thermometer, it means some arsehole's walked off with my pen!"


A man goes see a proctologist about some haemorrhoid problems he's been having. The doctor prescribes a pill that needs to be inserted up the fundament every 6 hours and does the first mission there.
Back home, a few hours later, he and his wife are getting ready for bed. He tells his wife what she needs to do. He bends over, and his wife grabs one of his shoulders with one hand and quickly shoves the pill up his butt.
He lets out a huge scream!
The wife is distraught: "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
He replies: "It's not that! I just realised that when the Doctor did it this morning, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

A man goes see a proctologist about some haemorrhoid problems he's been having. The doctor prescribes a pill that needs to be inserted up the fundament every 6 hours and does the first mission there.
Back home, a few hours later, he and his wife are getting ready for bed. He tells his wife what she needs to do. He bends over, and his wife grabs one of his shoulders with one hand and quickly shoves the pill up his butt.
He lets out a huge scream!
The wife is distraught: "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
He replies: "It's not that! I just realised that when the Doctor did it this morning, he had both hands on my shoulders!"
^--- this one rocks

A man is on vacation on Jamaica. In some obscure shop he finds a sort of dildo that is painted really weird. The man decided to buy it for his wife as a joke. The salesman says: "Man, this 'ere is a VOODOO dildo" "Yeah right" "Just watch, man... VOODOO DILDO: THE DOOR" The dildo flies up and starts to poke the door. "VOODOO DILDO: BACK IN THE BOX" And the dildo flies back. "WOW, that is great. I'll take it"

So the man takes it back home but at customs they search the mans baggage. As the cop finds the strange box with the dildo in it he asks what it contains. "A voodoo dildo, sir" "Yeah right, VOODOO DILDO: MY ASS!"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

As the pilot just announced to the passengers what flight they were on, he forgot to turn off the speaker. He says to the co-pilot:"Damn! Have you seen the new stewardess? I'd like to have some coffee with her! And then get FREAKY!"

The stewardess heard the speaker is still on and walks to the front to warn the pilot. A man yells: "Don't forget the coffee!"

A pilot is having his last flight, so while in mid air he announces over the speakers:"Ladies and gentlemen, this is my last flight. Would you like me to make a loop, just to celebrate?" The people all cheer "Okay! Fasten your seatbelts" The pilot makes a loop and the people love it.

"Would you like me to make another one?" Again the people roar and again the pilot makes a loop

After the second loop a man walks out of the toilet: "Really funny you guys."

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, calls his vice-president, Dave, into his office and says, "We need to make some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara in your department will have to be laid off." Dave looks at Mr. Smith and says, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
Mr. Smith tells him:"You better make up your mind by tomorrow, or else you're the one signing on at the unemployment office!"

Dave spends the night thinking about what to do. The next morning he still hasn't made up his mind, so he decides to waitfor his employees to arrive and ask them for their advice. Barbara's the first to come in, so Dave says, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara replies, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, calls his vice-president, Dave, into his office and says, "We need to make some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara in your department will have to be laid off." Dave looks at Mr. Smith and says, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."
Mr. Smith tells him:"You better make up your mind by tomorrow, or else you're the one signing on at the unemployment office!"

Dave spends the night thinking about what to do. The next morning he still hasn't made up his mind, so he decides to waitfor his employees to arrive and ask them for their advice. Barbara's the first to come in, so Dave says, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara replies, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
HAHAHAHA
The name is Meoff. Jack Meoff

What's a fly without wing?
A walk

A couple of proctologist jokes:

A proctologist goes to a bank. At the counter he grabs his chequebook and pulls out a thermometer from his pocket and starts to write with it. He realises his error and starts swearing.
"What's wrong?" asks the Teller
"If this is my thermometer, it means some arsehole's walked off with my pen!"


A man goes see a proctologist about some haemorrhoid problems he's been having. The doctor prescribes a pill that needs to be inserted up the fundament every 6 hours and does the first mission there.
Back home, a few hours later, he and his wife are getting ready for bed. He tells his wife what she needs to do. He bends over, and his wife grabs one of his shoulders with one hand and quickly shoves the pill up his butt.
He lets out a huge scream!
The wife is distraught: "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
He replies: "It's not that! I just realised that when the Doctor did it this morning, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

Great one demented H. :D
I thank you and the legless pirate for posting in my topic

Great one demented H. :D
I thank you and the legless pirate for posting in my topic
No, thank YOu for having the idea to make this thread in the first place. Certainly is a pleasant change from the "I hate Bush"/"I hate Kerry" threads which abound. Shame not more ppl are replying though.

Whoops, my last post wasn't funny, so I best make up for with this one:

A depressed young woman is so desperate that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She goes down to the docks and is standing there, building up the courage when a handsome young sailor notices her. He sees she's been crying and taking pity on her goes up to her, and says, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nods yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor takes her aboard and hides her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she's discovered and brought in front of the Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain demands.
She explains: "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The Captain looks at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

Kinda long, but funny~
> >
> >When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take
> >it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on
> >someone you don't know !!!!!
> > It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and
remembered a
> >phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled
it. A
> >man
> >answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Stephen. May I
> >please speak with Robin Carter"? Suddenly, the phone was slammed
down
> >on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
> >I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had
transposed
> >the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her,
I
> >decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answer! ed
the
> >phone,
> >I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down
with
> >the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
> >Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day,
> >I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me
up.
> >When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
> >calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,
this
is
> >John
> >Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're
> >interested in the Caller ID program?"
> >He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
> >I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
> >One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking
spot.
> >Some guy in a black BMW M3 cut me off and pulled into the ! spot I had
> >patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
waiting
for
> >the
> >spot.The idiot ignored me and then stuck his middle finger out the
window
> >and waved it around. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
> >so I wrote down his number.
> >A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, I had
> >his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW
asshole,
> >too.
> >I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW M3 for sale?"
> >"Yes, it is."
> >"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> >"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a very modern white
house,
and
> >the car's parked right out in front."
> >"What's your name?" I asked.
> >"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
> >"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> >"I'm home every eveni! ng after five."
> >"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
> >"Yes?"
> >"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my
> >speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to
call.
> >But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as
it
> >used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
> >I called Asshole #1.
> >"Hello."
> >"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
> >"Are you still there?" he asked.
> >"Yeah," I said.
> >"Stop calling me," he screamed.
> >"Make me," I said.
> >"Who are you?" he asked.
> >"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
> >"Yeah? Where do you live?"
> >"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a white house, and to
make
> >easy for you, my black BMW M3 is parked in front."
> >He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had bett er sta! rt
saying
> >your prayers."
> >I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole. Ya' better pack a
lunch!!"
> >Then I called Asshole #2.
> >"Hello?" he said.
> >"Hello, asshole," I said.
> >He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!.."
> >"You'll what?" I said.
> >"I'll kick your ass." he exclaimed.
> >I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over
right
> >now."
> >Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I
lived at
> >1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill
my
> >gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going
down
> >on West 34th Street.
> >I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I
saw
> >two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six
squad
cars,
> >a police he licopter, ! and a news crew.
> >NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works..

Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first guy says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you accidently say something else you don't mean?"
The Second guy replies "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I was at the airport buying plane tickets the other day, and the chick behind the counter had huge breasts, and so instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I accidently asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'. Man if looks could kill!"
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH.' "

Last one before I go to bed (it's 1am here):

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees a woman with no scuba gear. He goes down to thirty feet, and the woman with no equipment stays with him. Down to forty feet and she still keeps up him! 50 feet down, he reaches the sea bed and she's still there!
The diver is amazed at how long she's been down.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The woman grabs the chalkboard and writes, "You arsehole, I'm drowning."

Last one before I go to bed (it's 1am here):
."

Thank you and have a good night.
1 am, where do you live? in the Pacific?

A teacher was talking to her grade 1 class about whales. A little girl asked the teacher if a whale could swallow a human whole. The teacher answered her explaining that even though whales are some of the largest mammals on earth they have a small throat and could not swallow a human whole. The little girl, not ready to concede the arguement, asked the teacher about Jonah, of the bible, being swallowed by the whale. The teacher said that she had read that, too, but science has shown that a whale cannot swallow a human whole. The little girl told her teacher that when she got to heaven she was going to ask Jonah. The teacher, hoping to silence the child, asked what if Jonah was in Hell. The little girl quickly responded that if that was the case the teacher could ask Jonah.

Demented Hamsters, since you said it was 1 am at your place, I watched my atlas and saw that GMT-1 (my time) + 7 hours brought me in Western Australia. Am I corect?


Goodnight.

<Tedward> so there's this pimp right. he's collecting money from his three ho's.
<Tedward> he goes to the first ho and asks for his $100. she says, "But I only owe you $50!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> he asks the next ho for $150. she says, "But I only owe you $100!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> now he goes to his third ho.
<Tedward> he asks for $200. "but I only owe you $150!"
<Tedward> he slaps her and says, "don't correct me, bitch!"
<Tedward> next he visits the fourth ho.
<Tedward> he asks her for his $250.
<Thy_Dungeonman> hold on, wait a sec
<Tedward> what?
<Thy_Dungeonman> you said three ho's, not four. idioth.
*Tedward slaps Thy_Dungeonman
<Tedward> Don't correct me, bitch.


http://www.bash.org/

So a ship sinks off the shore of a tiny uncharted Pacific island. There are only 3 survivors; two men and a woman. There is no chance of rescue and the trio learn to live off the land. Being as it's only these three people on the entire island, nature eventually takes its course and the men begin sleeping with the woman.

After a few days of this, the guilt of what she has been doing gets the best of the woman, and she commits suicide. Naturally, the men are devastated by this, but in time nature once again takes its course.

After a few more days the men begin to feel terribly guilty for what they've been doing, so they break down and finally do the right thing...

..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...and bury her.

A farmer has a huge crop of mellons. Every night a thief was stealing large amounts of mellons from his crop. One day he decides to stop this by posting a sign at the corner of his crop. On the sign was written: "ONE OF THESE MELLONS IS POISONED".
Next day he comes and sees that the thief has added on the sign: "NOW THERE ARE TWO POISONED MELLONS". ;)

and now for some WW2 jokes

The Poles are fighting the germans in their foxholes, one side will duck down into their holes and the other side will fire, this continues on and on all day, so finally a german turns to another german and says ,"Hey I have an idea, all poles are named Norman right?" "Yah yah!" says the other german, "Watch this says the first german, "Hey Norman!" A bunch of the poles stick their heads up out of their holes and say "Yah?" and they are shot. This continues on for a few hours and then a pole turns to another pole and says "Hey I have an idea, all germans are named Fritz right?" "Yah yah!" says the other pole, "Watch this!", says the first pole, "Hey Fritz!" there is silence for a moment and then he hears, "Is that you Norman?" The pole sticks his head up and goes ,"Yah?" and they shoot him.


Second one

The poles are fighting the germans again, the poles start handing out guns. the last man in line gets up but they are out of guns, "What am I supposed to do?!" he asks, "Just point your finger and go bang bang bang." So he goes out and points at some germans and goes "bang bang bang!", the germans fall down dead, now the poles are handing out grenades, once again the last man in line gets up there and there is no more grenades, "What am I supposed to do?!" he asks, "Throw a rock and yell ka-boom!" So he throws a rock at some germans and yells "KA-BOOM!" The germans fly through the air and explode. He sees one german walking across the field so he points at him and goes "bang bang bang!" but nothing happens, so he throws a rock at him and yells "KA-BOOM!" still nothing happens. the guy walks buy the pole and the pole gets crushed, the german in chanting, "tank tank tank tank." :D

A bit of topic (but it is mine so i tolerate myself this just for once) but it is humor to.

I saw Gymoor posting the next in a topic were humoristic slogans were asked.

This one was the best, from Gymoor:


Bush/Cheney: All in all it's just a 'nother Dick and AWOL

Bush/Cheney: Everyone loves ventriloquist's dummies! Watch as Bush talks while Cheney sips a glass of water.

Bush/Cheney: For God's Sake, Think of the Rich People!

Bush/Cheney: We Don't Need No Stinkin' 4th Amendment!

Bush/Cheney: War is Good for Business (but only if you're rich!)

Bush/Cheney: God Wants You To Die For Oil

How do you know a blonde was on your computer?
There's correction fluid on the screen.
How can you tell another blonde used the same computer?
there's writing on the white out

Demented Hamsters, since you said it was 1 am at your place, I watched my atlas and saw that GMT-1 (my time) + 7 hours brought me in Western Australia. Am I corect?

Right Longitude, Wrong Latitude. I live in HK. Just off to work, so only time for one joke:

A new commander turns up to an army camp in the desert. During the new commanders first inspection everything checks out except one thing: There's a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. Whenever one of the enlisted men walk by, they always pat it - it seems to be a camp mascot.
The commander asks the sergeant what's with the camel. The Sergeant looks a little embarrassed but finally says: "Well you have to understand sir, that some of the men have been stationed here a long time. They can get lonely, what with their sweethearst thousands of miles away and no woman here. So they have the camel, which they..."
"Enough! You don't have to tell me the rest! I don't approve, but as long as it doesn't interfere with their duties, I'm prepared to turn a blind eye."
The weeks turn to months, and the commander starts to feel very lonely. The Camel starts looking better and better. Finally, he can't contain himself anymore and yells at the Sergeant: "Bring me the Camel!!"
The men bring the camel into his tent, and he goes to work on it. After about an hour the commander comes out zipped up his pants and, noticing all the men staring slack-jawed at him, asks the sergeant: "What's wrong? Isn't that how the other men do it?"
The Sergeant responds: "No sir, we just use the camel to ride into town to the brothel."

How can you tell another blonde used the same computer?
there's writing on the white out

How can you tell yet a third blonde used the same computer? There's cheese in front of the mouse.

How can you tell yet a third blonde used the same computer? There's cheese in front of the mouse.
and a fourth?
There's lipstick on the joystick

4 soldiers are on leave. The first one comes back 10 minutes late. The sergeant demands an explanation. “Well, I was on my way back when de car broke down. I could not find a cab, but I did find a horse salesman, so I bought a horse, but it dropped dead on a crossroad. I found a cab to take me to the base.” The sergeant decides to not punish the soldier, because he did everything in his power to get back on time.

The second one arrives 30 minutes late. The sergeant is really pissed now. “I was in town and when I got back my car was stolen. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran around the city looking for a cab, but there were none. I finally found this horse dealer, so as a last effort I bought the horse, but it DIES in the middle of a crossroad and I had to hitchhike the rest of the way.” The sergeant is angry for him using the same excuse and puts him on nightwatch for a week.

The third one arrives an hour late. The sergeant is furious. The third one’s story is again very alike the first and second story, so the sergeant puts the soldier on potscrubbing AND nightwatch for a whole month!

The forth one arrives 2 hours late. The sergeant is raging.
“Well I was in town, but some kid stole my carkeys...”
“LET ME GUESS! YOU COULD NOT FIND A CAB, BUT BOUGHT A HORSE WHICH DIED ON THE MIDDLE OF A CROSSROAD? AND THEN YOU HAD TO WALK ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE BASE?”
“No, sir”
“YOU DID NOT BUY A HORSE?”
“I did sir, but I had to walk most of the way, ‘cause the crossroad was blocked with dead horses”

Why does a blonde whistle in the toilet?
So she'll know which lips to wipe.

How do you confuse a poof ?



34 packets of ready salted

Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real asshole!"

^--- LOL

Superman is flying through the city and is really bored. As he sees batman walking down a street he flies over:"Hey batman. Do you want to go do something? Go to a bar or something?" "No thanks dude, I've gotta go to the dentist"
So superman flies on, even more bored. He sees spiderman in his house and flies to the window:"Hey spidey, wanna go play some pool or something? I'm bored to death." "No man. I've gotta fix my webshooters."
Superman gets really depressed and starts scanning builings with his x-ray vision. Suddenly he sees catwoman on her bed and she's NAKED. Superman is thinking: "Since I'm faster than a speeding bullet I might as well shag her. She won't even know what happened"
He does as he says, flies through an open window, into catwomans bedroom, shags and flies away.

Catwoman:"What was that?"
Invisible man:"I don't know, but all of a sudden my ass hurts like hell"

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:
1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!

Two blondes are camping in a safari park. When a lion suddenly enters their tent both run out. One climbs up a tree, the other starts running around the tent. The lion comes out of the tent and starts chasing the blonde on the ground. "Get up here! He almost has you!" "Don't worry, I'm still 5 laps ahead!"

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" asks the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" asks the second guy.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, naked in bed. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and still couldn't see anyone. So I ran downstairs again and just as I was running through the kitchen, I had a massive heart attack and died, right next to the freezer."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer first, we'd both still be alive."

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" asks the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" asks the second guy.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, naked in bed. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and still couldn't see anyone. So I ran downstairs again and just as I was running through the kitchen, I had a massive heart attack and died, right next to the freezer."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer first, we'd both still be alive."
I know a variation on this one, but it would not be funny to tell, cause they have the same clue

Two blondes are still on safari. One is carrying a big rock, the other a car door.
"Why do you carry that rock?" "Well if that lion shows up again, I'll throw the rock away so I can run faster"

"So why did YOU bring the car door?" "If it's get hot, I can open a window"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind of beer, except Heinekein.
The bartender asks him:, "What's wrong with Heinekein, don't you like it?
The man replies: "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Heinekein and blew chunks."
The bartender says to this: "Buddy, you drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
"You don't understand", replies the man, "Chunks is my dog."

The CEO's from Heineken, Budweiser and Guinness are in a bar.
Bartender:"What will it be?"
Mr. Heineken:"Since I'm mister Heineken, one Heineken please"
Mr. Budweiser:"I'm Mr. Budweiser, so I'll take a Budweiser"
Mr. Guinness:"If the others aren't drinking beer either, I'd like a coke"

What shit were they eating? Because it can't have been as shitty as that joke.

What shit were they eating? Because it can't have been as shitty as that joke.
I'm translating all my jokes from Dutch into English. Translations suck

Adam and Eve just had sex in Paradise. Eve goes to a nearby stream of water and washes her p*ssy. Suddenly she hears a voice from above. "Damnit! I just created fish. How am I gonna get the smell off?"

The CEO's from Heineken, Budweiser and Guinness are in a bar.
Bartender:"What will it be?"
Mr. Heineken:"Since I'm mister Heineken, one Heineken please"
Mr. Budweiser:"I'm Mr. Budweiser, so I'll take a Budweiser"
Mr. Guinness:"If the others aren't drinking beer either, I'd like a coke"

Great joke, pirate! Specially for the ones that had the bad luck to smelled the piss called Heineken once :p :D You know, one of the cheapest made "beers" in ze world, with corn (mais) in it,bah :mad:

Great joke, pirate! Specially for the ones that had the bad luck to smelled the piss called Heineken once :p :D You know, one of the cheapest made "beers" in ze world, with corn (mais) in it,bah :mad:
it seriously has corn in it? No wonder it's disgusting

What shit were they eating? Because it can't have been as shitty as that joke.
Actually I liked it. But then there's nothing like a Guinness.
Anyway, I don't recall seeing many posts by YOU here!

The Explorers:
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The Chief decides to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the Chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The Chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The Chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The Chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The Chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

Actually I liked it. But then there's nothing like a Guinness.
Anyway, I don't recall seeing many posts by YOU here!

The Explorers:
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The Chief decides to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the Chief then rips the explorers pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The Chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The Chief rips the second guys pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The Chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The Chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"

The Guiness joke was good. I meant the original joke that was posted. Sorry for the confusion.

A guy moves Down South. He's in his new home, unpacking and hears a knock on the door. There's a real Southern Cleetus type standing there.
Cleetus says to him: "Jes wanted ta welcome ya to our neighbourhood an invite ya roun to ma place for sum feedin', sum fightin' and sum fuckin'."
The new guy, not wanting to offend, asks: "That's sounds great, but what should I wear? Formal or Informal?"
Cleetus replies:"Don't matter ta me. Jes be tha two of us."







Yeah, I know. My attempts at Southern yokel accent suck.

The Guiness joke was good. I meant the original joke that was posted. Sorry for the confusion.
Oh the bucket of shit joke. Yeah that did suck a bit. But hey, good idea for a thread, wouldn't you agree?

A joke for those who appreciate higher education...

Three statisticians from the big city go to a conference in a university in Michigan. Once they've arrived, and seeing so many signs for guns and rifles in that wonderful state, they decide that they should, at least once in their lives, go hunting.

After their conference, they go to a gun store, and purchase each their own rifles, supplies, maps and all other necessary equipment for hunting, and set off to the nearest woods, excited about a new experience.

After many hours, they quickly hush themselves as they see a beautiful deer in a clearing. So, they each take out their rifles.

The first statistician shoots at the deer, but misses by one meter to the right.

The second statistician shoots at the deer, but unfortunately misses by one meter, this time to the left.

The third statistician stands and proudly proclaims: "gentlemen, we've got him!"

Three men have been captured by a cannibal tribe. "We'll cook your organs and make canoos out of your skin, but we will not kill you ourselves now you're harmless. So choose your weapon by which you must kill yourself. If you attack us with it we'll torture you."
The first one thinks he's smart so he says he'll take a gun. He figured he could shoot his way out. They give him a gun, but only with one bullet. He has no choice but to shoot himself, for he does not want to get tortured.
The second one chooses a length of rope, with which he hangs himself.
The third on chooses a fork. The tribe gives him the fork, very confused. The last man starts stabbing himself rapidly all over his body. "Fuck your canoo"

A Blonde walks into an electrical appliance store and after browsing round she asks one of the store assistants "Excuse me, how much is that Television?" The Shop Assistant says to her frowning "Sorry, we don't serve Blondes", so in a bad mood, the blonde leaves the store.

Two days later, the Blonde comes back, having dyed her hair brown, spots the same item and walks up to the same assistant. The Blonde says "Excuse me, how much is that Television?" To which the Sales Assistant once again says "Sorry, we don't serve Blondes." And so once again, the poor blonde leaves the store in a bad mood.

A week later our blonde heroine comes back, having dyed her hair ginger, spots the same item and walks up to the same Sales Assistant and says "Excuse me, how much is that Television?". Once more the Assistant says "Sorry, we don't serve blondes".

The Blonde puzzled then says to the Shop Assistant "Look, I've come in here on three separate occasions with different coloured hair, and yet you still won't serve me. I must ask how it is that you know that I am blonde."

To which the Sales Assistant responds "Because that's a Microwave, dear."

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I've let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say 'Moo'."

A man visits a doctor:"Doctor, a crocodile bit my arm off!"
"Yes. That is, in fact, what crocodiles do"

A real long one with a crap ending. But it grows on you, especially if you're a guy:

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A size 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A real long one with a crap ending. But it grows on you, especially if you're a guy:

Crap ending? It's GREAT! ROFL

One blonde was sick and tired of being ridiculed, just for the colour of her hair, so she decided to jump off a builing.














She missed

One for the Aussies:
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbor Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing, ya stupid Galah?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant, and I know you've been screwing me best mate. I can't take it any more, so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It's Thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

last one before beddy-byes:

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decides to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Says the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Paul agrees and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Paul.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Paul shamefully admits. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters. And your right arm's twice the size of your left."

Every day, while her husband was at work, this woman had a secret lover come over and sleep with her. Her son wants to know what they are doing in there, so one day he hides in the closet and watches them for a while. As suddenly the her husband comes home from work earlier, the woman quickly hides her lover in the closet, not knowing the boy is in there, too.

Boy: It's dark in here.
Lover: Yes.
Boy: I got a new football.
Lover: How good for you.
Boy: You want to buy it?
Lover: No!
Boy: You know my dad's outside and I could just...
Lover: Okay, okay. I'll buy it. Here are $50!

Two weeks later, the same thing happens again. The husband comes home from work earlier, so the lover is again hid inside the closet, the boy next to him.
Boy: It's dark in here.
Lover: Yes.
Boy: I got new football equipment.
Lover: (sighs, remembering last time): Okay, how much is it this time?
Boy: $ 250!
Lover: Here's you money. But be quiet!

The next day, the husband goes to his son and says: Hey, let's play some football in the backyard.
Boy: No, I sold it. - You sold it? - Yes, for $ 300. - You should be ashamed of yourself. That's a lot more than they cost as you bought them. I can't believe you are treating you friends like that. Go to church and confess.
So the boy goes to confession. He walks in to the priest and closes the door.
Boy: It's dark in here...
Priest: Would you please stop that shit at last???

A man died and got to heaven. As one of the angels took him on the Heaven Tour he notices a big hall with numerous clocks.
Man:"What are those?"
Angel:"Their the clocks of lies"
Man:"What do they do?"
Angel:"Everytime someone lies the clock ticks once, so when people die, we can see how much they lied."
Man:"Where's my sons clock?" The angel pointed to a clock which read 12 minutes.
Man:"That pretty good. Where's mine?" The angel points to a clock which read 3 hours and 41 minutes.
Man:"Sorry about that. My wife keeps asking these hard questions."
Angel:"It does not matter anymore since you're already in heaven."
Man:"Is Bush's clock here too?"
Angel:"No, we keep that one as a heavy duty ventilator"

*snicker* most of these are pretty good.

A man died and got to heaven. As one of the angels took him on the Heaven Tour he notices a big hall with numerous clocks.
Man:"What are those?"
Angel:"Their the clocks of lies"
Man:"What do they do?"
Angel:"Everytime someone lies the clock ticks once, so when people die, we can see how much they lied."
Man:"Where's my sons clock?" The angel pointed to a clock which read 12 minutes.
Man:"That pretty good. Where's mine?" The angel points to a clock which read 3 hours and 41 minutes.
Man:"Sorry about that. My wife keeps asking these hard questions."
Angel:"It does not matter anymore since you're already in heaven."
Man:"Is Bush's clock here too?"
Angel:"No, we keep that one as a heavy duty ventilator"

I love the way we can reuse jokes just by changing a name or two. :)

I love the way we can reuse jokes just by changing a name or two. :)
I know! I have a joke that does that. When I'm home, I'll look it up.

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's ass, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assh0les on that camel.'"



Everynight when I lie down in my bed and up gaze at all the stars in the sky I think to myself I got to get that roof fixed...~~~Jack Handey



An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



You drink too much coffee when:
1) you get a ticket for speeding, even when you're parking
2) you watch your video's in fastforward
3) you grind the coffeebeans in your mouth
4) you can type 60 words per minute with your feet
5) you go to meetings, only for the free coffee
6) people get dizzy by looking to you
7) your birthday is a national holiday in Brasil
8) you can speak fluent arabic without a single lesson
9) the only time when you stand still is during an earthquake
10) you want to reincarnate into a coffeecup

I love the way we can reuse jokes just by changing a name or two. :)
:D

All the "stupid" jokes work for either blondes or Bush :D

How do two elephants get out of the water?
1) Wet
2) One after the other
(always use the other answer than the person answering)

Why do elephants wear yellow socks?
So you don't notice them floating upside-down in the vanilla pudding

A man dies and goes to hell. Satan says he can choose his own punishment from the dungeon of 1000000 torments. Satan explains he has to get in one of the chambers till someone else chooses the same punishment.
First door: A man is kicking while his testicles are set a fire "Nah, I think I'll see whats in the next"
Second door: A man is screaming while he has two heavy weights hanging on the nipples. "Nah, let's see about those other torments"
Third door, fourth door. All the punishments as horrible as the rest. Finally they arrive at the millionth door.
When they open the door there's a gorgeous woman giving a very old and dirty man a blowjob. The mans eyes open wide. "I think I'll take this one"
Satan:"OK Susan, you're relieved from this room"

Jesus Christ my jokes suck

What's a dead fly?
A flew

:D

All the "stupid" jokes work for either blondes or Bush :D

Actually the one I was referring to used to be a Clinton joke. *L*

Actually the one I was referring to used to be a Clinton joke. *L*
same thing :D
In holland we also use Belgians

In holland we also use Belgians

Vice versa is better, you know because the Dutch are not more than reserve Belgians :p

Vice versa is better, you know because the Dutch are not more than reserve Belgians :p
*aligns rifle*
:eek: :sniper:
^--- Mr Basil Fawlty

Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder are on tour, following the successful re-release of their ancient classic 'Ebony and Ivory'. After a full-house concert in Beijing, they head to their hotel, only to find that due to an admin cockup they have to share the same bedroom. Despite being furious megastars, they're both tired from the gig, and so resign themselves to sharing a room with two single beds.

The guys get into their respective beds, and Paul settles down to read his favourite Tom McClancy novel.

After a few minutes, Stevie calls, 'Hey Paul, you got the light on? I can't get to sleep knowing you're awake.' 'Sorry yeah Steve', says Paul, 'I'm just going to read for a while, but I'll turn the light off soon'.

Ten minutes later, Paul's avidly reading when Stevie calls out, 'Paul! You done with the reading yet?' Paul replies, 'Not yet, give me just a few more minutes ok?' 'Ok, but I'm real tired, so not too long man?' says Stevie.

A few more minutes pass, then Stevie SHOUTS out, 'Paul! You finished that damn book yet?' Paul thinks, "Good grief, this is ridiculous... I know..." and says 'Sure man, I'll put the book down now.' Then closes the book, and makes a 'click' sound like the light going out.

Seconds pass.... Paul very very quietly opens the book and begins to read again.

A few minutes later....


*fap fap fap fap*




:D

*aligns rifle*
:eek: :sniper:
^--- Mr Basil Fawlty

hahaha, had je, geef toe dat je er graag zeldf was opgekomen (alhoewel in jouw geval ik dat in de foute volgorde zou zien staan dan, nietwaar?) :D

Nog eentje:

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS,DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
He replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

A man is walking through the desert and sees a man sitting on a rock. He has his arms stretched out as if driving a car.
Guy on rock:"BRRRRRRRRRRRR... BRRRRRRRRRRR"
Man:"Sorry, but can you point me the way to the next settlement?"
Guy on rock:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

No luck for the man, he decides to walk on and finds yet another man sitting on another rock. He too is pretending to drive a car.
Guy #2:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... BRRRRRRRRRR"
Man:"Sir, can you point..."
Guy#2:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

Again the man has no choice but to walk on. After another mile he sees another guy sitting on a rock, but this guy is having lunch.
Man:"Excuse me, can I ask you something?"
Guy#3:"Sure!"
Man:"Good, cause about a mile back there was this man driving a rock..."
Guy#3:"WHAT? Are they so far already? BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

A man is walking through the desert and sees a man sitting on a rock. He has his arms stretched out as if driving a car.
Guy on rock:"BRRRRRRRRRRRR... BRRRRRRRRRRR"
Man:"Sorry, but can you point me the way to the next settlement?"
Guy on rock:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

No luck for the man, he decides to walk on and finds yet another man sitting on another rock. He too is pretending to drive a car.
Guy #2:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... BRRRRRRRRRR"
Man:"Sir, can you point..."
Guy#2:"BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

Again the man has no choice but to walk on. After another mile he sees another guy sitting on a rock, but this guy is having lunch.
Man:"Excuse me, can I ask you something?"
Guy#3:"Sure!"
Man:"Good, cause about a mile back there was this man driving a rock..."
Guy#3:"WHAT? Are they so far already? BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"


Hiaargh, hilarisch, zie zo het zo voor me, getekend door Hergé met in de hoofdrol een dronken, hallucinerende kapitein Haddock. :p :p :p

A man is walking through a field, reflecting on his life. His thoughts went on, until the subject of his wife came into his mind. Being a religious sort, and in serious thought of the subject, he asked, "God, why did you make my wife so pretty and kind-hearted?"

And the Lord replied, "So you could love her, my son."

The man asked again, "Why did you give her such a lovely laugh and gentle voice?"

And the Lord replied, "So you could love her, my son."

The man looked down some, thoughtfully. He looked back up to the sky, and asked, "No offense, God, but... why did you make her so stupid?"

And the Lord replied, "So she could love you, my son."

Hitler is inspecting his camps and there are three groups of Jews. Suddenly one sneezes.
Hitler:"WHO SNEEZED?"
All are afraid and don't answer so he walks to the first group
Hitler:"WHO SNEEZED?"
No one answers so he has them all shot on place. He walks over to the second group.
Hitler:"WHO SNEEZED?"
Again no answer, again lots of dead Jews. Hitler reaches the third group.
Hitler:"WHO SNEEZED?"
One Jew steps out of the group:"I did, sir"
Hitler:"GESUNDHEIT!"

Verry good one again.

I am thinking about giving medalls to the best posters in my thread. Guess you and the Hamsters are leading. :)

Hmm medals or an Iron Cross or Knight cross? Difficult choice.

Or the pissfree Heineken bottle in gold (a unique thing) :p

at this risk of repeating a joke that's already up, i've not bothered reading everything on here, so apologies if this has already been done.

how many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?

6:
the germans to start it
the french to give up really quickly
the italians to try hard but not get anywhere
the british to stand firm and go nowhere near the lightbulb
the americans to come in late, finish it off, and take all the credit
and the swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening

ithankyou :D

A man goes out and buys a parrot. He gets it home and finds that almost every word is says is profane, and even the exceptions aren't too polite. He tries disciplining it, he tries calling in experts, he even tries taking it back to the pet shop, but nothing helps. Finally, in frustration, he opens the freezer door, stuffs the bird in, and slams it shut. After a few seconds, he calms down and opens the door. The parrot, hanging its head, walks out onto his arm and says "I am truly sorry if my language has offended you, and I promise I'll keep it clean from now on."
The man, astonished, opens his mouth to ask, but before he can the parrot raises his head and asks "May I ask what the chicken did?"

I didn't make this up, but:

A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie comes out and says "I will give you three wishes, but there's a catch. Anything that you wish for, your mother-in-law will get twice that wish"

His first wish was for a Ferrarri. His mother-in-law got 2 Ferrarris.

His second wish was for $1,000,000. His mother-in-law got $2,000,000.

His third wish was to donate a kidney.

I didn't make this next one up either, but:

A programmer finds a genie in a bottle. "I will give you ONE wish."

The programmer wishes for world peace.

The genie says "That might be too much of a wish for me. Do you want anything else?"

The programmer says "Sure. Can you make me only write bug-free code?"

The genie says "What was that about World Peace?"

Swearing parrot :D

There's this pirate who visits the same bar every sunday. He just got a new parrot which swears a lot. So he's in the bar and wants to order a drink.
Pirate:"One pint of ale please."
Parrot:"Ej fatso, come give this fucktard a beer, you total fag!"
Bartender:"You might want to shut up that parrot. I don't like being cursed at."
Pirate:"Sorry it won't happen again"

So the pirate silently drinks his beer, not to set off the parrot, but when he wants another drink...
Pirate:"Can I have a refill?"
Parrot:"Oi you fat fag, the man asks you a question, stupid ass!"
Bartender (angry):"Sir this is the last warning. Shut up your parrot or I'll nail him to the wall above the door"
Pirate:"Sorry sir, but I can't help it."

But the pirate get thirsty again.
Pirate:"Can I have..."
Parrot:"Fatso, yeah I'm talking to you, ugly bitch. Get this lard ass..."
Bartender:"That's it..."
The bartender grabs the parrot and nails him, wings stretched, to the wall above the door.

Hanging there the parrot notices a crucifix with Jesus on it.
Parrot:"You don't look to good. How long have you been here? What did you say to the bartender?"

A mouse is shagging an elephant:"Oh yeah. Take that. Bitch. Suffer baby!"

And now for a binary joke, no doubt made countless times in the forum:

There are 10 kinds of people
1 kind that gets binary numbers
and 1 kind that doesn't...

What do you do when your mother-in-law is crawling through the garden?
Shoot again

There are 3 kinds of people in the world: Those who can count, and those who cant.

A mouse is shagging an elephant:"Oh yeah. Take that. Bitch. Suffer baby!"
I need to expand on that one for you:

An elephant is traipsing through the jungle when she gets her foot caught in a bear trap. It doesn't cut through her tough lskin, but as it's chained to a tree, she's stuck there. No matter what she does, she can't break the trap open.
A few hours later, a mouse wanders pass. The elephant, desperate by this stage, pleads with the mouse to help her.
The mouse says: "I'll get the trap open for you, but only if you let me fuck you afterwards."
The elephant's not really into inter-species sex, but figures it's the best offer of help she'll get, so agrees.
the mouse sizes the situation up, sees the tree the trap is chained to is a coconut tree so scampers up and nibbles through some coconuts.
Bang! first one falls down and misses.
Bang! second one hits the trap and breaks it open. The elephant is free!
The mouse scurries down, and reminds her of his part of the deal.
The elephant shrugs and tells him to get it over with. He runs up onto her, and just as he enters her, another coconut falls down.
Bang! right on her head!
"Ouch!", she cries, "Christ that hurts!"
"Yeah, take it all bitch." the mouse replies.

I need to expand on that one for you:

An elephant is traipsing through the jungle when she gets her foot caught in a bear trap. It doesn't cut through her tough lskin, but as it's chained to a tree, she's stuck there. No matter what she does, she can't break the trap open.
A few hours later, a mouse wanders pass. The elephant, desperate by this stage, pleads with the mouse to help her.
The mouse says: "I'll get the trap open for you, but only if you let me fuck you afterwards."
The elephant's not really into inter-species sex, but figures it's the best offer of help she'll get, so agrees.
the mouse sizes the situation up, sees the tree the trap is chained to is a coconut tree so scampers up and nibbles through some coconuts.
Bang! first one falls down and misses.
Bang! second one hits the trap and breaks it open. The elephant is free!
The mouse scurries down, and reminds her of his part of the deal.
The elephant shrugs and tells him to get it over with. He runs up onto her, and just as he enters her, another coconut falls down.
Bang! right on her head!
"Ouch!", she cries, "Christ that hurts!"
"Yeah, take it all bitch." the mouse replies.
I'm for the quicky :D

I prefer staring of slow and building to the climax myself. :p

I prefer staring of slow and building to the climax myself. :p
forplay should never be too long or it'll spoil the climax

forplay should never be too long or it'll spoil the climax

And if i t's really too long it might INCLUDE the climax... :fluffle:

And if i t's really too long it might INCLUDE the climax... :fluffle:
that would suck.
Like deciding who wins a football match by tossing and then both teams have to play accordingly

A man'sdriving down an road in Alaskaand his car broke down. He phones the Alaskan AA and they arrive shortly after. The service man opens the bonnet, takes a look and says " It looks like you've blown a seal ".
The man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."

A man'sdriving down an road in Alaskaand his car broke down. He phones the Alaskan AA and they arrive shortly after. The service man opens the bonnet, takes a look and says " It looks like you've blown a seal ".
The man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."
ROFL ^----- this one RULES! Best joke yet!

A little girl is riding on the bus and from the moment she's on she starts yelling:
"IF DAD WAS A STALLION AND MOM WAS A MARE I WOULD BE A PONY... IF MY DAD WAS A BULL AND IF MY MOM WAS A COW I WOULD BE A CALF... IF MY DAD WAS A DOG AND MOM WOULD BE A LADY DOG I WOULD BE A PUPPY!"

She keeps on screaming till the busdriver gets mad:"WHAT IF YOUR DAD WAS A FAT STUPID PEDOPHILE AND YOUR MOM WAS A DRUNK HOOKER?"
Girl:"I would be a busdriver"

A hunter and a priest are in the woods. As the hunter sees a rabbit he grabs his gun and shoots. "FUCK, I missed" "You should not curse, my son. It's a sin"
As the walk further into the forest the hunter spots a fox. Again he grabs his gun and fires. "FUCK, I missed again" "You should really stop cursing, my son. Or the lord will punish you" "yeah, right."
Again the huter and priest go deeper into the forest. The hunter sees a deer, aligns his gun and squeezes the trigger. "FUCK, missed again" Suddenly thick clouds appear above the forest and a bolt of lightning strikes the priest dead. A voice sounds from the skies:"FUCK, I missed!"

Two girls are on a burning tower and they want to get off. So one, a brunette, has the idea to grab an umbrella, open it and jump off. It works an she susrvives the fall. The other, a blonde, also jumps, but falls to death.

Later when the brunette dies they see each other in heaven. The brunette asks:"Why did you put on a raincoat?"

Bad jokes again :(

What's fly with clean teeth?
A floss

This is an ethnic joke. Please take it with a grain of salt. I don't mean to cause offense.

A young Native American lad asks his father, " Father, how did you choose the name for each of your children?"

"Well, son, when your older brother was born I walked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a hawk soaring in the sky. That is why your brother is named Soaring Hawk. When your sister was born I walked out of the teepee to go to the river for a drink of water and at the river's edge was a fawn with spots. That is why your sister is named Spotted Fawn.

"Thank you for explaining this to me, Father," said the young Indian lad.

His father replied, "You are very welcome. Why did you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

No one else knows any good jokes :(

Adam and Eve are walking through Paradise.
Eve:"Do you love me Adam?"
Adam:"Who else?"

A wealthy couple decide to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gives their butler, Jeeves, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hopes he would enjoy his evening off.
At the party, the wife finds it very boring - just lots of stuffed shirts talking. So she excuses herself and comes home early, alone. Her husband stays on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walks into her house, she finds Jeeves by himself in the dining room. She tells him to follow her, and leads him into the master bedroom.

She turns to him and says, in the voice he knows he must obey,
"Jeeves, I want you to take off my dress." This he does, hanging it carefully over a chair.
"Jeeves," she continues, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jeeves silently obeys.
"Now, Jeeves, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jeeves obeys.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension is mounting between them.
She looks sternly right into his eyes and says, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

A man goes to the hospital to pick up his wife's test results. The Doctor takes him aside and tells him some bad news:
"We've mixed up the test results with another woman with the same name as your wife. Unfortunately, it's too expensive to run the tests again. All we can tell you is that your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
The man is understandably upset: "Well, what the hell can I do?"
Doctor: "I've thought long and hard about this and have finally decided: I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife out for a drive to a forest and leave her there. If she finds her way home: Don't fuck her."

A man goes to the hospital to pick up his wife's test results. The Doctor takes him aside and tells him some bad news:
"We've mixed up the test results with another woman with the same name as your wife. Unfortunately, it's too expensive to run the tests again. All we can tell you is that your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."
The man is understandably upset: "Well, what the hell can I do?"
Doctor: "I've thought long and hard about this and have finally decided: I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife out for a drive to a forest and leave her there. If she finds her way home: Don't fuck her."


Hahahahah, great joke Demented Hamster!

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.
"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."
"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

In fact, I am Basil Fawlty but I wanted to win the least know NS'er contest. :p

A young guy is dropping his girlfriend off at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her:
"How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick"
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister opens the door still wearing her nightgown, her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and tells her sister: "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the fucking intercom."

In fact, I am Basil Fawlty but I wanted to win the least know NS'er contest. :p
Great idea! I might change my name to:
'That guy...you know...whatsisname...thingy'

A blonde is driving her car when she gets in a little accident with a man. The damage is minor: only a little dent in the side of the blonde's car. But it was the man's fault and he does not want to pay up.
Man:"You know you don't have to go to the police and waste all of your time"
Blonde:"I don't?"
Man:"No you can just blow out the dent."
Blonde:"How do I do that?"
Man:"Well you just blow really hard on the exhaust and after a few blows the dent will pop out and we'll no longer have a problem."
Blonde:"I can try..."

So the blonde gets on her knees while the man drives off. After a while a blonde cop drives by.
Blonde Cop:"What happened here?"
Blonde:"I'm trying to get this dent to pop out."
Blonde Cop:"You should close your windows first"

There was this Hindu guy, and he could only say 3 things in English;

"Only 50 cents!"

"Very, very fresh!"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow!"

And he always said them in that order.

Well, this guy owns a store. One day, a guy walked in and picked up a watermelon.

"How much does this cost?" he asked.

"Only 50 cents!"

"Is it fresh?"

"Very, very fresh!"

"Can I buy it?"

"Not today, maybe tomorrow!"

Later that night, when the guy was closing the store, a thief walked in.

"How much money's in the cash register?" he barked.

"Only fifty cents."

"Are you being fresh with me?"

"Very, very fresh!"

"Oh, that's it. I gotta kill you now."

"Not today, maybe tomorrow!"

A guy is in travelling through Scotland, taking in all the grand sights. He stops off at a quaint seaside village up North and pops into the local pub.
While enjoying a glass, he can't help but notice an old guy sat by himself in the corner, looking mournful and neglected, completely ignored by the locals. Overcome by pity and curiosity, he heads over, sits down and asks:
"Why does everyone ignore you?"
The old man looks up from his pint and says:
"I'm 85 years old and I lived in this place me whole life. Me parents lived here, as did me grandparents. I worked hard all me life. Look at these hands! I was a builder, a carpenter, a stonemason, a fisherman....
"Diya see the stonewalls ootside of town as ye came in, laddie? I built them with me own hands when I were just 20! But do ye think the locals call me 'John the Mason'?
Nay.
"Did ye see the magnificient School Hall and the Town Hall? I built that when I were just 30! But do ye think the locals call me 'John the Carpenter'?
Nay.
When I were 40 I built the bridges that connected our village ta the ootside world, but am I called John the 'BridgeBuilder'?
Nay.
But ye fuck just one pig..."

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
Panicking, he rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes running up and yells, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted just ran out of your room and he's hiding in my closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You bastard!!!" screams the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring my son!"

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she's knitting, and he's reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and remarks to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiled, and replies, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well, I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep don't, but the way that pig is always squealing, who can tell?"

A sadist and a masochist are in bed.
Masochist:"Hit me!"
Sadist:"No."

A nun is walking along a street late at night. As she passes a bar, a man comes stumbling out. he is absolutely drunk. he stares at the nun for a few seconds, and then walks over to her. then he punches her in the face. kicks her in the shins. hits her in the stomach. he continues to beat her until she falls into the ditch at the side of the road. he swaggers over and says, "Not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

a man loses his eye in a terrible accident, and since he is a bit cheap, he has it replaced with a wooden eye. he is extremely self conscious about his wood eye, and as a result doesn't get out very much. one day he gets convinced to go to a dance. when he gets there he is really nervous, and doesn't dance with anyone. then in the far corner he sees a girl with a club foot. he is inspired that she can get out and go to a dance, so he gets up his nerve to ask her to dance. she gets extremely excited, and leaps up.
"would I? would I!?"
"oh yeah?" he replies. "club foot, club foot!"

Patient: "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."
Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."
Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

This little boy goes up to his dad and asks:
"Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"
To which the father replies: "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."
So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies:
"Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"
So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies:
"He is so fucking hot, of course I would!"
Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother answers:
"Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"
So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically."
"Well what's the difference?" says the father.
"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, but realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"

Two guys are in a bar.
Guy #1:"I have a problem... I cum way too early"
Guy #2:"That's fucked up"
Guy #1:"Aaah"

Two condowms are walking past a gay bar in San Francisco.
One turns to the other and says:
"Hey! Why don't we go inside and get shit-faced!"

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession with nuzzling the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts and having carnality with her, but he knows the penalty for this would be death.
One day he reveals his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio informs him that he could arrange for Nick to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without hesitation, Nick readily agrees to the scheme.
Horatio gives Nick a vial and tells him not to drink it until he is summoned to the Royal chambers tomorrow.

The next day, Horatio the Physician makes a batch of itching powder and surreptitiously pours a little bit into the Queen's bra and panties while she's bathing.
Soon after she's dressed, the itching commences and grows more intense with every scratch.
Horatio is summoned to the Royal Chambers immediately. He examines the Queen and informs the King and Queen that only the saliva of a man who has slayed and eaten a dragon's heart, if applied for several hours, can cure this type of itch.
The King quickly summons Nick the Dragon Slayer. Nick drinks the antidote for the itching powder Horatio gave him the day before, and for the next few hours works passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts, as well as a few other places.
The Queen's itching is eventually relieved, and Nick leaves satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick is confronted by Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick doesn't care any more and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, tells him to get stuffed.

The next day, Horatio slips a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.

The King quickly summons Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Frank goes off into Alaska bear hunting.
He's in the forest and spots a small brown bear and shoots it. As soon as he's shot it, there's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a big black bear, towering over him.
The black bear says: "Bad mistake. Very bad mistake. That was my brother you shot. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or I fuck you in the ass."
After considering briefly, Frank decides to accept the latter. So the black bear has his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for a couple of weeks, Frank soon recovers and decides to go hunting again. He heads out on another trip back to Alaska where he sees a Grizzly bear and shoots it dead.
Immediately, there's another tap on his shoulder. It's the same big Black Bear. The Bear says, "That was another big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I fuck you in the ass."
Again, Frank decides a sore arse is preferable to being mauled to death. So the Bear has his way with Frank. Although he survives, this time it takes a few months before he's fully recovered.
Eventually, Frank decides to go hunting again. So he heads back to Alaska and this time he manages to track down a Polar Bear. Just as he's about to shoot it, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees the same big Black bear standing there.
The bear looks down at him and says, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

The Test Mark as unread


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

Warning: Ole and Sven joke follows

Ole and Sven are out in the woods hunting when Ole suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He's not breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Sven whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend Ole just collapsed! I think he's dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a shot is heard.
Sven's voice comes back on the line: "Okay, now what?"

Warning: Ole and Sven joke follows

Ole and Sven are out in the woods hunting when Ole suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He's not breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Sven whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend Ole just collapsed! I think he's dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a shot is heard.
Sven's voice comes back on the line: "Okay, now what?"

That's an absolute classic.

Thanks. I thought yours was good as well!



A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yep, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"Hell, if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that
his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees
is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.
"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what
they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and
subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he
answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign
hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he
takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he
finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are
through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself
with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the
next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens
each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough,
he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not
to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back
and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He
thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot,
but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like
this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When
he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in
nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her
neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has
ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you
can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in
excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he
does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the
best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next
four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and
the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the
sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost
another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing
weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better
about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the
company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure,
sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program.
Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he
enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound
perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I
can catch you, I can have you."

A pregnant Italian woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "MAMA MIA! Oh no! Not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "I'm positive."

the doctor one was good.

and now: some blonde jokes

Why are blondes buried in y-shaped coffins?

Once you get them on their back, their legs spread

What do you call four blondes laid ear to ear?

a wind tunnedl

How do you kill a blonde?

Throw a scratch-n-sniff in the bottom of a pool

What did the blonde's left leg say to the blonde's right leg?

nothing, they never met

Why would blondes make such bad cow herders?

they can't keep their own calves together

What do you call a blonde with pig-tails?

A blow-job with handle bars

Besides those, there are a whole host of dead baby jokes, Helen Keller jokes, and rascist jokes.

In responce to a blonde with pig tails. A blow job with handle bars.

Dying Confession
**************
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

A couple in their sixties, both of whom have lost their partners due to illness, decide to get married and move to Bournemouth. To make sure that everything runs as smoothly as possible, they decide to organise various details in advance. "What are we going to do about our houses?" June asks. Harry thinks about it and replies: "We ought to sell both our homes, then we can each pay half the cost of our new home. How do you want to organise the grocery bills?" June shrugs, saying, "Neither of us eat much, so we might as well split the bill on a monthly basis. We can probably do that with the electricity and gas bills too." Harry cheerfully agrees, then asks his fiancée what she wants to do about sex. June shrugs, "Infrequently I think."

"Tell me," says Harry, "Was that one word or two?" :p

Polish joke:

You know you're from Poland when:
-People forget you
-Nobody can pronounce your last name
-The enemy can sink your navy by putting it in water
-The enemy can destroy your air force by cutting off its paper supply
-People make fun of you for being "dumb"

(I'm part Polish so please, no flames over this joke)


Oh, and how do you stop the Italian Army from invading your country?
Offer them lunch, and wine!

What do 'light' and 'hard' have in common?

You can't get to sleep with a light on either!

What do 'light' and 'hard' have in common?

You can't get to sleep with a light on either!
Why do I have a feeling that you wont explain this nonsense.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. "Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable. "Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."

Why do I have a feeling that you wont explain this nonsense.

Lol, I just found it funny. A male mate recounted it to me, but being female I can't confirm it...!

Barbie's letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!

3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!

Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

A stuttering man came back from a job interview for newsanchor.

Wife:"Well...?"
Man:"W-w-w-well-l. I-I-I w-was one of-of the l-l-last two."
Wife:"And...?"
Man:"W-w-w-we did r-r-really well, b-b-b-b-but..."
Wife:"But what?"
Man:"I-I-I-I w-w-was turned d-d-down, 'cause I-I was a-a-a c-c-c-catholic."

Dark Slate BlueWhat do you call a blonde on a water bed?

A drilling rig

You are such in asshole. Why don't you like blonds huh cause there smarter than your dumbass. You're so lame it's not even funny. who ever taught you to make fun of blond's is a dumbass. You need your ass kicked by a blond that will teach. HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IDIOT

Knock it off. These are inappropriate for this forum.
I agree with you 100%.

This one is from The Boondock Saints

A black guy a Mexican and a white American find a genie in a bottle, so they get to make three wishes together.

Black guy:"I wish for all my brothers to live happy in our ancestral countries in Africa"
POOF! It is done.
Mexican:"I wish for all the mexicans and the other south-americans to live happy and wealthy in their motherlands"
POOF! It is done.
White American:"So all the blacks and latino's are gone?
Genie:"Why of course. I am very powerful"
White American:"OK... I'll have a coke."

Heard John Clease say this little piece of genius...


A fish swam into a wall

Damn






if you can't get it by reading it say it out loud.....

A blonde jumps into a fire

splash

A man has been pulled over by a cop.
Man:"What seems to be the problem officer?"
Cop:"You were driving too fast sir."
Man:"Only about 5 mph too fast."
Wife:"Honey you always drive too fast."
Cop:"And you had no lights on."
Man:"That's because it's not completely dark yet."
Wife:"You never have your lights on. Light or dark."
Cop:"And you were not wearing your seatbelt."
Man:"I just took it off because I was pulled over sir"
Wife:"No honey, you never drive with your seatbelt on."
Man:"WILL YOU SHUT UP! YOU'RE GETTING US A LOT OF TICKETS!"
Cop:"Does he always speak to you like that ma'am?"
Wife:"Only when he's drunk"

The Rope
The building was on fire and they had all gathered on the roof waiting to be saved. Finally the rescue helicopter lowered a rope and 11 people hung on just as the roof exploded into flames.
Ten were blondes and one a brunette.
The rope was starting to fray under the weight, so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go. So finally, the brunette gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs. Because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, how she was the oldest one there, so had already lived her life and that after all blondes had more to live for so deserved to be saved.

When she finished speaking, all the blondes clapped.

A woman asks her friend: "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"
She answers: "Once, and I saw rage."
The woman asks: "Why would he be so angry during sex?"
The friend replies: "Because he was looking through the window at us."

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't do anything for me, either."

A man has been pulled over by a cop.
Man:"What seems to be the problem officer?"
Cop:"You were driving too fast sir."
Man:"Only about 5 mph too fast."
Wife:"Honey you always drive too fast."
Cop:"And you had no lights on."
Man:"That's because it's not completely dark yet."
Wife:"You never have your lights on. Light or dark."
Cop:"And you were not wearing your seatbelt."
Man:"I just took it off because I was pulled over sir"
Wife:"No honey, you never drive with your seatbelt on."
Man:"WILL YOU SHUT UP! YOU'RE GETTING US A LOT OF TICKETS!"
Cop:"Does he always speak to you like that ma'am?"
Wife:"Only when he's drunk"
I've heard a different version of this one, ending with:

Grandpa in the back seat: "Told you we wouldn't get very far in a stolen car"

This is an ethnic joke. Please take it with a grain of salt. I don't mean to cause offense.

A young Native American lad asks his father, " Father, how did you choose the name for each of your children?"

"Well, son, when your older brother was born I walked out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a hawk soaring in the sky. That is why your brother is named Soaring Hawk. When your sister was born I walked out of the teepee to go to the river for a drink of water and at the river's edge was a fawn with spots. That is why your sister is named Spotted Fawn.

"Thank you for explaining this to me, Father," said the young Indian lad.

His father replied, "You are very welcome. Why did you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

" If Indians named their children after the first thing they saw when they were born, It makes you wonder why more of them aren't named 'Hairy Pussy'." - George Carlin.

An old man and woman meet in a retirement home. They become quite good friends. Eventually they wind up sharing a bed, and every night the woman holds the man's penis as they fall asleep. But as time goes on, the man starts spending more of his time with another woman, and less with the first. She finally confronts him and asks,"What does Gladys have that I don't?" The man answers, "Parkinson's."

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's ass, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assh0les on that camel.'"
Q: What do a camel and Al Quaeda's navy have in common?
A: They're both full of Osama's seamen.

An old man and woman meet in a retirement home. They become quite good friends. Eventually they wind up sharing a bed, and every night the woman holds the man's penis as they fall asleep. But as time goes on, the man starts spending more of his time with another woman, and less with the first. She finally confronts him and asks,"What does Gladys have that I don't?" The man answers, "Parkinson's."
DAMN I was gonna tell this one today.

Two sheep are grazing.
Sheep #1:"Close the gate, there's a bit of a draught in here"

A bit blue and not the best joke ever but what the hell I'll give it a try:


A guy goes to his local NHS hospital suffering from an incredibly rare disease which means that he constantly has to have orgasms to prevent him from going into a coma. The Doctor treating him walks him along the corridor explaining the treatment required while showing him the treatment rooms. "These are the rooms we use to treat patients with exactly the same problem as you Mr Smith." In each of these rooms there is a variety of men, all of whom are busy jacking off into a bucket on the floor, with a collection of dirty mags on the floor besides it.
As he is directed into his room Mr Smith looks into the room across the corridor in which a clearly very elderly male patient is being orally pleasured by a very voluptuous and attractive female Nurse. The man shocked asks curiously "What's going on in there, Doctor?"
The doctor replies "Treatment for the same problem, sir."
To which Mr Smith says "Treatment!? Why can't I have that treatment then?!?
The Doctor answers "Because that's the BUPA wing, sir."

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says
to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?"

The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and my wife
have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very
frustrating."

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have
the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol
under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply
fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got
all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years
ago."

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says,
"How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost
interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just
like you said."

The first guy says, "So what happened?"

The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man
came out of the closet with his hands up!"

whats great about haveing sex with twenty- six year olds?

THERE ARE 20 OF THEM!!

(please don't hurt me for that!)

What do you call a man with his arm up a camel's ass?

An afghani mechanic!

A bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich
behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool
beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some
curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says, "I'll have a
pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a
pint as well." says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and
says, "I suppose you want a drink, too." The cat replies, "I'll
have a half, but I ain't payin'!" So the barman pulls two and a
half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please."
The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the
barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.

A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the
exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the
ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint,"
says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up
a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The
bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening,
the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says
the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch."
He turns to the ostrich enquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a
large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small
scotch...but I ain't payin'!" The barman rings up the drinks and
turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty,
please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and
twenty out of his pocket.

As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain
his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave
there's something I must know...how do you manage to always come
up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several
years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and
when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but
as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I
rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"If I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my
pocket and the right money will always be there." "That's
brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a
million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live." "That's right, whether its a
quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last
thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats
or ostriches drinkin' in here...?" The man looks glum. "Yes, I
know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck
with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked
for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

amazing jokes guy/girls i love them this is a joke i heard a couple of years ago it is much batter if you read the whole joke

This son who is 1 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 2 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 3 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 4 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 5 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 6 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 7 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 8 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 9 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 10 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 11 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 12 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 13 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 14 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 15 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 16 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 17 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 18 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 19 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 20 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 21 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 22 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 23 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 24 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 25 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 26 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 27 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 28 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 29 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 30 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 31 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 32 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 33 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 34 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 35 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 36 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 37 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 38 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 39 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 40 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 41 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 42 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 43 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 44 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 45 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 46 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 47 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 48 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 49 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 50 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 51 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 52 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 53 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 54 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 55 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 56 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 57 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 58 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 59 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 60 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 61 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 62 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 63 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 64 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 65 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 66 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 67 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 68 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 69 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 70 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 71 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 72 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 73 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 74 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

So the son is on his death bed and his dad asks
Dad: Son why did you want a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball?
Son: I wanted a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball becase
Then he died.

similar to the canibal joke


3 missionaries were walking in the jungle when they were found by a vicous sadistic cannibal tribe.

the chief of the tribe comes to the missionarys and tells them they have commited the crime of trying to convert them.
He gives the first missionary a choice
" death or JoJo? "
The missionary thinks to himself jojo can't be worse than death so he chooses jojo .

one by one the cannibals rape him till bleeding

he goes back to the hut where the other missionarys are and says
"choose death "

the second missionary is called and again he thinks nothing can be worse than death so he says jojo
once again he is raped by each cannibal he goes back to the hut worse off than the man before and says to the other missionary
" choose death "

Seeing the state these men were in the third missionary chose death when he was asked, the cheif said

Death by JoJo

amazing jokes guy/girls i love them this is a joke i heard a couple of years ago it is much batter if you read the whole joke

This son who is 1 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 2 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 3 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 4 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 5 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 6 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 7 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 8 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 9 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 10 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 11 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 12 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 13 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 14 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 15 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 16 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 17 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 18 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 19 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 20 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 21 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 22 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 23 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 24 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 25 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 26 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 27 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 28 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 29 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 30 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 31 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 32 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 33 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 34 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 35 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 36 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 37 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 38 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 39 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 40 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 41 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 42 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 43 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 44 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 45 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 46 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 47 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 48 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 49 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 50 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 51 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 52 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 53 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 54 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 55 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 56 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 57 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 58 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 59 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 60 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 61 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 62 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 63 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 64 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 65 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 66 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 67 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 68 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 69 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 70 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 71 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 72 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 73 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

The same son who is 74 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay

So the son is on his death bed and his dad asks
Dad: Son why did you want a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball?
Son: I wanted a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball becase
Then he died.

Awful.

And it took bloody ages to read.

amazing jokes guy/girls i love them this is a joke i heard a couple of years ago it is much batter if you read the whole joke

This son who is 1 is having a birthday party.
Dad: What would you like for your birth day son?
Son: A pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball
Dad: Okay ill find on for you
So the dad searches everywhere for a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball but he can’t find one so he goes back to his son
Dad: Son I can’t find a pink and purple polka doted ping pong ball, sorry
Son: That’s okay.
I think we have a winner for the:
'Lamest joke ever in the history of the World' award

Though the 'death by Jojo' comes a close second - but only because it was already posted, but written funnier the first time round.

Q: What do a camel and Al Quaeda's navy have in common?
A: They're both full of Osama's seamen.
Why not an anti-Arab one:
Why do they call camels 'ships of the desert'?
They're full of Arab semen.

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out in cattle country. One evening, as they're sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spies his prize bull having it's way with one of his cows. He sighs in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figures the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.
He leans in close and whispers in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Go right ahead", Mabel whispers back, "It is YOUR cow."

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." He still refuses, so they keep at him.
Finally he caves in and says:
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."
Everyone is completely shocked! They all shout: "What??!! That's SO disgusting! How LOW can you get!"
"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little" Luke replies.

Son comes home: "Dad dad guess what!"
Dad: "What son?"
Son: "I had sex with the teacher!"
D: "I'm so proud of you. Why don't we go get that new bike you always wanted."
S: "Can't I just have a footbal or something, my ass is killing me."

Jeff and Bob who always got together on Fridays after work for a drink. One Friday, Jeff shows up late, sits down at the bar, and kicks back his entire first beer in one gulp. Orders another one and does the same. Bob realises Jeff's upset but being guys decides to let Jeff say it in his own time.
Finally, after 1/2 a dozen beers downed in quick succession, Jeff turns to Bob and said, "Times are getting real tough my friend. I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I just can't believe it"
Bob pust his hand on Jeff's shoulder and says reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together".

Three young lads head into a pub for a quiet drink. This real down-and-out, washed-up sot is down the end drinking. He's filthy, he stinks, he looks like bloody awful.
After a while the drunk staggers up to the group of lads, points at the one in the middle and says, in a drunken slur, "I fucked your Mum."
The three lads look bewildered and a bit embarrassed and pretend to ignore the lush. He staggers off and proceeds to down another couple of Kestrels.
Ten minutes later he staggers back, points to one on the end and says loudly, "Your Mum sucked my cock!"
The three lads look real embarrassed, but just continue to ignore him, so he staggers back up the bar. After another ten minutes and another 2 Kestrels he lurches up and, pointing to the last one, shouts, "I fucked your Mum up the arse!"
By now the lads have finally had enough and the one in the middle stands up and says, "Look, Dad, you're pissed. Now fuck off home!"

Bear Preaching

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to tussle. We tussled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don't even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

A kid is walking down a street at night and a car is slowly following him.
The car drives up to the boy and a window opens.
Man in the car:"Come over here kid. If you get in the car I'll get you a lollypop"
The kid just walks on pretending he never heard anything

The car stops, but then starts to folllow the boy again. And again the man drives up to the boy.
Man:"Little boy. You'll get some m&m's if you get in the car"
The kid just walks on as if nothing happened.

The car stops and starts to follow the kid again. And again he drives up to the boy.
Man:"Yo kiddo. If you get in the car now, you'll get a piece of chocolate"
Kid:"Keep your candy, Dad. I'm not getting in your fucking Volkswagen"