NationStates Jolt Archive

Somewhere in Trans-border waters, a small banana boat chugged through the night. The boat had a crew of three: the captain, the steersape, and the navigator. It tugged seven barges, loaded to the full with metric tonne after metric tonne of bananas, banana flour, banana bread... exports of the Republic of Bipedal Apes.

Below decks, in a small cabin, or more properly, small space between the lowest deck and hull, three males were crammed against a bulkhead. They were hot. They were severely uncomfortable. One of them was on fire.

“Aiieeee!” shrieked Wonktickle. He tried to jump up and run about with his arms flung over his head, but the best he could manage in the cramped quarters was to flail about madly, smacking Zung and Pigpiggie in the faces, necks, and torsos.

“Hey!”

“Cut out!”

“It burn! It burn! It burn!” Wonktickle cried, his abdomen smoking. Thinking more quickly than the others, Pigpiggie hit him repeatedly in the stomach, his fists smothering the budding flames. The spliff which had landed in Wonktickle’s lap when Zung dozed off was flung through some equal and opposite reaction into the air, where it seemed to hang motionless for a long moment, before Zung displayed a hitherto unknown acrobaticism and caught the smoldering roach between his lips.

It was a neat trick. Pigpiggie applauded. Wonktickle wretched, not to show displeasure at the magnificent catch, but at the intense pain of being pummeled in the belly.

Unfortunately, although Zung had grasped the cigarette with the expertise of an experienced lip-juggler, he made one near-fatal mistake: he caught the joint by the glowing cherry.

“Aiieeee!” shrieked Zung. He spat the spliff across the small room, giving it an excellent opportunity to rebound off the inner hull and back into Wonktickle’s lap.

“Aieeee!” shrieked Wonktickle. He tried again to jump up and run about with his arms flung above his head, but the best he could manage in the cramped quarters was, still, to flail about madly, subjecting Zung and Pigpiggie to a whole new round of face, neck, and tummy-smacks.

Wasting no time, Pigpiggie grabbed the spliff and mashed it out against the wall. The sight of the beautiful joint being so malevolently mistreated instantly silenced both screaming apes.

“Hey,” complained Zung.

“What you do that for?” asked Wonktickle.

“You two not up to job of smoking in here,” Pigpiggie said, shaking his head.

“That prime grade-a banana peel,” Zung said sulkily.

“Shut it,” Pigpiggie advised, tucking the warm roach away for later use. Much later use.

The sound of footsteps echoing on the metal deck above them quieted all three apes. Suddenly the trap door above their heads-- immediately above their heads-- the trap door their heads had been leaning against, in fact-- swung open, and for the first time in a day, the glaringly blinding light of a single 40-watt bulb illuminated their hovel.

They blinked up at Captain Rongwrungy. She blinked back down at them.

“Hoo,” she said. “It smell like bananaburnatorium in there.”

“There no air circulation,” Pigpiggie pointed out.

“Enough you didn’t suffocate,” Rongwrungy replied. “All right, out, all three of you.” With great slowness and creaking of un-cramping joints, the three males complied. “Time for poop-break. Don’t want you going in there. Can’t imagine how bad that would smell.”

They slowly made their way up to the top deck, two painful ladders above, and into the fresh sea air. After three weeks at sea the males had found their legs, and no longer vomited every time a swell jostled the boat. In the early days, the little room had smelled awful, and it was only through the dedicated effort of Pigpiggie, directing the others, that every trace of odor had been scrubbed away or masked by the sweet smoke of burning banana peel.

They made their way to the deck rail with ease, as able to negotiate the pitch of the ship as the football pitch. When the wide ocean had swallowed the waste products they dispensed over the side, Rongwrungy called them back to the porthole that led below.

“Why we can’t stay out here?” Wonktickle complained. The captain smacked him admonishingly.

“I told you rules,” she said. “You stay below. I not getting in trouble with Trans-border Sea Patrol for having illicit passengers.”

“Just for little bit,” Zung pleaded. “We stay out of way.”

“No.” She handed each of them a bunch of bananas and a cup of water, the daily ration. “You lucky I even letting you stow away. Now get back to room.”

“At least tell us how footie match went,” Pigpiggie begged.

“Footie match?”

“World Cup qualifier. Played today. Two-Footers against Five Evolved Nations of Evolved Humans.”

“Five? They played five nations at once?”

“It just one team,” Pigpiggie explained.

“That not make sense.”

“I not understand it either.”

“Anyway, I not know score.”

“Not know score?! World Cup most highly important sporting event in world! How you can pay no attention to Two-Footers’ match?”

“Who cares ‘bout football? Back down to hatch with you.”

“Score was two-all,” volunteered Wuzizzle from navigator’s post. “I heard on radio.”

“Who scored?”

“Bumdiddle and Barsoom.”

“What about for Five Nations of Civilized Humans?”

“I can’t pronounce those crazy foreign human names.”

“Good old Bumdiddle,” Wonktickle mused. “She sad when Ms. Throckspartle sent us down.”

“You crazy,” Pigpiggie opined. Rongwrungy propelled them below with a carefully-placed round of headsmacks.

“We be in Rejistania in two days,” she called to the descending males. “None too soon for me,” she added to Wuzizzle.

The navigator shrugged. “Long as they don’t poop down there.”

“They better not.” From below, the stench of burning banana peel started back up.

“You think they’ll be okay in Rejistania?” Wuzizzle asked.

“I just hope they don’t embarrass RBA too much. Stupid males.”

Wuzizzle nodded. “Stupid males.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


One step closer to the spoon

Spruitland – Crystilakere: 0 – 0

The Spruitland Wabbits are well on their way to winning the Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon, and they’ll damn well have earned it. Seven draws in ten games, of which six were scoreless, is an impressively peculiar record – one that’s possibly more difficult to achieve than getting ten straight wins, at least without the help of little evil blue orb-shaped objects.

It took some effort to achieve tonight’s draw against Crystilakere though, but the Wabbits had already shown they could do it on matchday 3, so they started the match confidently. Simon Briers had a few good saves to make to keep the nil on the board for Spruitland, but in the end, the biggest problem was up front.

Lone striker Dirk Jools managed to keep himself under control for almost an hour, but then his attacks started to contain a bigger punch, and the Crystilakere goalkeeper had to come up big on several occasions. When a long distance strike was only just deflected against the post by the goalie’s fingertips, coach Cor Bensen decided not to take any more chances and took Jools off the field. Jan Wolters completed the remaining twenty minutes, his shots and headers going safely wide and over.

By the time the referee blew the whistle to end the match, the spectators in the stadium were wildly cheering, doing a Mexican Wave, and singing “score in a brothel, we only score in a brothel” to the tune of Guantanamera. Quite a different response than to the earlier scoreless draws.

“Well yeah, but we’ll be winning a trophy now!” a random Spruitland supporter cheered. “That makes all the difference. Yeah, we like goals, preferably lots of them, but we like awards and prizes even better! Spruitland wins the Spoon, yeah baby!!”

Victory in the Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon competition is not yet a mathematical certainty, but with both Krytenia and Proletarian Pandas clumsily winning their matches, the Spruitlanders now extend their lead to two.

“Looking good,” Cor Bensen agreed with a smile. “We’re not there yet, but it’s in our own hands now. If we can get another nil-nil in Nova Britannicus, I think it’s in the bag.”


MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus: 0 – 0
MD 5: SPRUITLAND – Anarchist Canuckistan: 1 – 0
MD 6: Reichsdeutschland – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 7: Starblaydia – SPRUITLAND: 4 – 0
MD 8: SPRUITLAND – Oceaice: 4 – 1
MD 9: SPRUITLAND – Tramontina: 1 – 1
MD 10: SPRUITLAND – Crystilakere: 0 – 0
Up next…
MD 11: Nova Britannicus – SPRUITLAND
MD 12: Anarchist Canuckistan – SPRUITLAND

Today’s headlines…

Would You Look At That!
Nil All Draw Against Much "Better" Squad
Liam & Co Media

LivEng Loses
...Well...Draws Anyway
Liamist States Times

Marmadukes Make Up For Kingsford Loss
Unexpected Point For Liamists
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Bell: Defence Rock Solid, Perfect
"Damn Fine Performance"
Soccer Monthly

Four Games To Go
But Only One Point Separates Us & Spurland
CDL Courier

Harlesburg Thumped
Harlesburg 0 Turori 3

Harlesburg in the oppressive heat and under intense pressure on a warm Harlesburg Summer day found that not just the weather conditions could cause such feelings with a rampant Turori side looking to absolutely cement there place as the number 1 qualifier out of Group 2 something they achieved with their 3-0 victory this afternnon.

Harlesburg Coach Kenneth Rubgel had this to say.
“It is of great concern to us that we cold be so competitive last time we played them scoring a goal ourselves and only allowing them to score 2 while away and yet when we get the home game of the leg what happens we get pasted and Turori reall showed threi wares today.”

This isn’t the only concern for Harlesburg now as after a Wella victory against they are now only 1 point behind Harlesburg and with both sides set to meet next match a Harlesburg win would all but confirm their 3rd palce while a Wella victory would allow Wella to leap frog Harlesburg for the decisive 3rd qualifying position and with only 3 games after that Harlesburg would be struggling.

Harlesburg Vice Captain Ollaun Sallasan had this to say
“It is a concern for us that in the last 3 games we have scored the grand total of 1 goal and that’s not really acceptable to us we need to produce more attacking ball and not only that but when we do we need to use it to great effect and also to make sure we convert these opportunities as if we don’t well be backing our bags and going home soon enough.

The game against Turori was a hit the ground running experience for Harlesburg as in Turori’s very first possesion in the game they penetrated deep into the Harlesburg half and after crossing it out to the centre a well placed cross found the tallest Turorian’s head and only the desperate deflection of Micheal Chapworth halted a certain goal.
But thuings didn’t get anymore rosier for Harlesburg as from the resulting Corner kick another well placed cross found an unmarked Turorian and once again Chapworth had to make a save.

Finally in the minute the gate was left ajar for Turori and they took their chance and led 1-0
The second goal came late in the 1st half and the 3rd came at the begining of the 2nd and so after 52 minutes of the game it was all but over for Halresburg down 3 nil.
Harlesburg itself never really Got many chances at goal as Turori dictated terms well and so any ball Harlesburg got was quickly set upon by many Turori defenders.

One of Harlesburg’s best chances came late in the 1st half before Turori scored their second goal and it truly was a master of a shot curving late and only a last second fist from the Turorian Goalkeeper saved it from going into the top left hand corner of the goal.

Lerrick Jones had ran down the right hand side and had found an extra bit of pace to blitz past his marker allowing him to get a clear pass into the centre of the field to a waiting Fillo Pastry who with barely a second in his hands drilled the ball on the fly raising it high above the desperate slide of the defender and all he could do was wait for that split second before he knew the outcome of his shot….
It was moving away from the keeper and there was no way he could stop it but then his reach showed itself and he miraculously wiped it away with the very tips of his fingers.

From their Turori completely changed their was no wait and see after the first goal it was all attack and with the possesion they gained their was no need for defence as they completely shut Harlesburg out.
Harlesburg’s road to the playoffs is short but now very winding starting with a game against Wella that either way it goes will seriously affect the outcome of the qualifiers.

Final Score
Harlesburg 0
Turori 3

MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: 1 Harlesburg vs Artoonia 0
MD6: 0 Riegabvs Harlesburg 3
MD7: 0 EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg 1
MD8: 0 Harlesburg vs Haperd 0
MD9:1 Harlesburg vs Pedriana 0
MD10:0 Harlesburg vs Turori 3
MD11:Wella vs Harlesburg
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg
MD13:Harlesburg vs Riegab
MD14:Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO

Jeruselem Government News

3 wins and a drew

World Cup XXXIII match day XIV. Last time we reported, there were 3 draws and a win for Hockey Canada. Repeat for match day XIV? Actually no, the opposite - a draw for the Canadians and everyone else won!

Hockey Canada took on TnUI who drew 1 ALL with Jeruselem earlier. TnUI got another draw again with the Insanians and Canadians unable to score at all. Yes, another scoreless draw - how exciting.

One Red Dot dealt Spaam a big blow with a 2-0 win and the dots are heading another Group stage appearance by the looks of it. For Spaam who have been rather up and down, it was big blow to their chances of overhauling Hockey Canada.

Spolotikopia had the best result for the group, a 3-0 win over the hapless Kassyyk. While being the best of the rookies behind the big 5, this will be boost to Spolotikopia soccer.

Speaking of Canadians or Antarcticanadians more specifically, Jeruselem kept up the pressure with a rather scrappy 1-0 win over Antarcticanada. It was not a convincing win at all, but the coach had rested some players to save them for the last vital games.

Group 10:
Antarcticanada 0 Jeruselem 1
Hockey Canada 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0
Spaam 0 One Red Dot 2
Spolotikopia 3 Kassyyk 0


Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 22 6 4 0 13:2 11
2. Total n Utter Insanity 20 5 5 0 10:2 8
3. Hockey Canada 19 6 1 3 8:5 3
4. Jeruselem 17 5 2 3 9:4 5
5. Spaam 13 3 4 3 7:6 1
6. Spolotikopia 10 2 4 4 8:8 0
7. Antarcticanada 5 1 2 7 3:14 -11
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 8 3:20 -17


Form analysis - 4 games left folks

One Red Dot - Unbeaten although they have 4 draws. Sure to finish in the top 2 only challenged by TnUI.
TnUI - 5 wins and 5 draws. They should be in top 2 at the end but Group 10 is close.
Hockey Canada - 3rd and within 3 points of the top 2. With six wins, they can finish top depending on the results of the other games.
Jeruselem - 4th and 2 points adrift to the Hockey Canada. Rather up and down, but the losses have been to good teams. The two draws will hurt if we finish 4th.
Spaam - Inconsistent all way. 4 points adrift of Jeruselem and 9 from One Red Dot. They MUST more games or else the Jeruselem or Hockey Canada will join the top 2.
Spolotikopia - Impressive rookie with 2 wins. One to watch but for WC XXXIII it is over.
Antarcticanada and Kassyyk - 1 win and 4 draws between them. Cannot make the next stage. See them next World Cup!

This message has been deleted by Harlesburg. Reason: Double Post Damn Jolt *shakes fist* does this mean i get a double rp Bonus?...

OOC: yes, but instead of adding, I'll subtract it for messing up the thread!

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Loss causes little setback

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Again Oglethorpia faced Bedistan, and despite being at home, the result was no different, the Lions winning decisively three-nil. However the issue at hand was not so much the match at hand, but the larger picture.

Torrence Black elaborated. "We had no chance to beat Bedistan, so we were just hoping that after this match we might be able to catch Five Civilized Nations without too much damage being done to that possibility."

Luckily for the Ostriches, Five Civilized Nations only produced a draw from their match with novice Bipedal Apes leaving Oglethorpia six points out of a tie for the third qualifying spot. And yet while qualification is numerically possible, it's also shaping up to be a difficult endeavor.

"Consider this," said Hip Replac. "We're trying to gain six points on them, while they're gaining points as well, and we haven't preformed so hot against even unranked teams. So going into these last four matches, we really need to make some wins and draws where possible, and especially against Five Nations."

Forward Bill Christmas agreed. "In actuality we really only have three matches left, given an assumed loss vs. Tadjikistan. That means we have to make wins vs. two of those three teams just to catch up, and hoping for Five Nations to lose, and at least draw against them in the remaining match."

If Five Civilized Nations dispatches Oglethorpia as easily as they did in the first matchup, then qualification hopes are all but over.

"After that, it's game over, given how few points there'd be left to make up," said Black, referencing the worst case scenario.

If Oglethorpia hopes to qualify, then the matchday eleven bout with Five Civilized Nations becomes the pivotal match for Oglethorpia; it will prove key for the squad in gaining points on the current third placed side in group four. Then they hope for victories against their remaining opponents.

"It may be possible," ceded Staplin from his typical dismal predictions, "but after matchday eleen, we'll really know if it's possible or not."

The remainder of the Oglethorpia Ostriches schedule looks like this.

MD 11: Oglethorpia @ Five Civilized Nations
MD 12: Oglethorpia @ Bipedal Apes
MD 13: Oglethorpia vs. Tichang
MD 14: Oglethorpia vs. Tadjikistan

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Two for Two and two for Five

By Ingbaba

Bananapolis – Tuesday was a fine day for footie on the Southwest Coast, and all Bananapolis was abuzz at the prospect of hosting its first Trans-border match. With the World Cup qualifier against the esteemed human nation of Five, Civilized set to kick off at 17:00, a mid-day parade through Bananapolis Heights drew thousands of cheering, confetti-hurling supporters.

The venue for the match, Burlington Field, had received renovation in the previous month to expand capacity from 12,000—barely adequate for the crowds that regularly came to see Federated Fermentation and Consolidated Accountancy play during the premiere league season—to 20,000. Additionally, new sod was laid on the pitch, and the vending facilities were upgraded to include several permanent structures within the ticket gates.

It was the second match played by Ms. Throckspartle’s exclusively female club, with Spotrockle making her second start in goal, and first on RBA territory. The starting eleven featured four strikers, with Barsoom again on the front line, and three midfielders. Five Nations of Plains-Dwelling Civilized Humans countered with a conservative 1-5-3-2 configuration that featured strikers Runs-Like-Lightning and Kicks-Like-Thunder; a frighteningly meteorological duo if ever there was one.

How prophetic; the match began like a rainstorm, with players clustered around the midfield to avoid being doused by a malfunction of the automated irrigation system. With sprinklers throughout the defensive zones at each end of the pitch spraying water like hose-bearing maniacs, the grounds crew rushed about, wrenches in hand, trying to find the broken valve responsible for the deluge. Equipment managers for both sides responded by distributing umbrellas and players sloshed to their respective benches.

Oddly, time continued to tick off the clock. Five Nations manager Laughing Elk pointed this out to official Guus van der Meer, who responded by sighting both sides for holding up play. Laughing Elk was herself nearly ejected when she began screaming at the Spruitlander that play had to stop because of the ongoing water spray.

After walking away from the Five Nations bench, van der Meer noticed for the first time that apes with wrenches (and by this time, hammers) were running about the field, and he promptly carded the whole lot of them and sent them off the pitch. The match had to continue, wet-style. After each side attempted a rather messy penalty kick, play finally got under way, though it was no thing of beauty to behold.

Apes and humans alike gave it their best shot, but by the mid-game break, only three shots had been attempted, and none of the players held much enthusiasm. As the sides splashed off the pitch to their locker rooms to dry off and try to come up with water-based strategies, the grounds crew returned to the pitch to try again at fixing the problem. However, van der Meer spotted them and chased them back off the field, swearing that he would see to it they received lifetime bans from the sport for failing to obey their red cards.

Fortunately for the sanity of players and supporters alike, some quick-thinking member of the crew came up with a simple plan. Each of the five apes donned a mustache of veldtgrass, and disguised as human males, they were able to sneak past the official (who may have been asleep by that time, anyway) and onto the pitch. This time, luck was with them, and they quickly located the source of the problem, fixed it with a few well-placed hammer blows, and retreated before van der Meer could discover their identities (or, for that matter, wake up).

When the teams returned to the pitch, it was with great joy at the sight of a water-logged, but no longer sprinkling, field. Runs-Like-Lightning kicked off to start the second half, and a true footie match got underway. Each side attacked fiercely, trying to make up for lost time, and before long Kicks-Like-Thunder lived up to her name, as she sent a rocketing, hydroplaning ball between Proboscid and a diving Spotrockle.

Down nil-one, the Two-Footers played hard for the equalizer, and got it at 73 minutes on a nice swimmer by Barsoom. Runs-Like-Lightning scored again on 85 minute to give the Five Ntions what might have been an unsurmountable lead; but at 92 minutes, with time virtually out, up-playing midfielder Bumdiddle got her first goal of the qualifiers on a squidgy floater that got water in the eyes of goalkeeper Legs-Like-Trees and thus edged past her. The draw was saved, and the wet apes galumphed with joy.

Final Score:
Republic of Bipedal Apes 2 (Barsoom (73), Bumdiddle (92))
Five Civilized Nations of Humans 2 (Kicks-Like-Thunder (60), Runs-Like-Lightning (85))

The minister in charge of Scores, took the day off, and thus why there were no scores from Eauz on Match Day 10...

RP Cut off for MD 11...

Hyppos Trampled



Hypocria 0 – 4 Sarzonia



Sarzonia’s domination of Group 9 continues and this time it was the Hyppos who were given a sound battering, in front of 80,000 of their own fans. Across the country countless millions tuned in to what had been billed as the biggest match in Hypocria’s short history, they probably wish they hadn’t bothered.

The Hypocria defence was looking relatively comfortable against the World Champions until, in the 15th minute, centreback Kieran Drakes collided with Brian Wilson and was forced to limp out of the game. Despite having other options the coach chose to bring the veteran Sean Flynn on as a replacement. Almost immediately he looked out of his depth.

It was his mistake that let in Russell for the first and his sliced clearance that lead to the corner from which Sarzonia scored their second, Alphonso heading in Russell’s tantalising cross. Shirko forced a couple of saves from Sandt but the Hyppos never really looked like scoring and two Sarzonian goals in the last ten minutes effectively turned the defeat into a rout.


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake (c)
7. Petras
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
10. Liberda
14. Drakes (replaced by 12. Flynn, 16)
21. Veron (replaced by 16. Dospel, 70)


“It just shows how far we still have to go to be able to compete with the likes of Sarzonia”, Guylain N’Dungu-Nsungu admitted. “But they are the World Champions so we shouldn’t be too disappointed.”


Elsewhere in the group Raptor Claw moved back up into second after an easy 5 – 0 away win in Kajiztahn, Chicanada and Druida fought out a 1 – 1 stalemate in Chicanda and Tonissia edged the three points in Lucianic by the odd goal in five.



Group 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 28 9 1 0 28:1 27
2. Raptor Claw 17 4 5 1 10:3 7
3. Druida 16 4 4 2 11:4 7
4. Chicanada 16 4 4 2 8:6 2
5. Hypocria 15 4 3 3 12:10 2
6. Tonissia 7 1 4 5 5:12 -7
7. Kajiztahn 5 1 2 7 5:25 -20
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 7 4:22 -18


MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (5 - 0 win)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria (3 - 1 win)
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 1)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 win)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (4 - 0 loss)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

Angry Stars smack Hyppos, 4-0

Hypocrium, Hypocria (ASP) -- For a team that has been arguably the most dominant in football over the first nine matches of World Cup XXIII qualifying, the Sarzonian national football team sure looked like a team with much to prove. Reacting to comments in the Hypocrian media that their dominant stretch was in jeopardy, the Stars jumped all over Hypocria, getting a 4-0 win that saw the Stars resemble the team that won it all the previous World Cup.

"No mistake about it, we read the comments," Coach Dave Wilson said. "We wanted to prove that we were the best team in football. We weren't going to let up on them for a minute."

The Stars (9-1-0, 28 points) threatened to set a record for most goals in a single match against the hapless Hyppos, getting a goal and an assist from midfielder Darwin Russell in the 22nd and 26th minutes respectively. Forward Barry Alphonso scored the 26th minute tally, forward Brian Wilson scored in the 39th minute, and defender Mike Coyle closed out the scoring in the waning seconds of first half injury time, silencing the crowd of 80,000 at the Hyppodome.

"Bri was feeling that professional foul [by Hyppos centreback Kieran Drakes] by halftime, so we were playing some precautions," Dave Wilson said. "Otherwise, we're going back out there with an idea of trying to get seven goals." The Stars kept up the pressure, but forward Bruce Badger was "a little bit off with his touch," assistant coach Chris Trautwig said.

Goalkeeper Horace Sandt made three saves, but except for Shirko, he was scarcely tested. The Stars have now outscored their Region 9 opponents 28-1.

The Stars' win puts them 11 points clear of second place Raptor Claw for the group title, while Druida and Chicanada are tied for third at 16 points, 12 points behind Sarzonia with four matches remaining. Any combination of a Stars win or a draw by either side will clinch a berth in the World Cup finals for the Stars, but Dave Wilson said the team would continue to play as aggressively as they have going in.

"If anyone thinks we have any plans to just cruise through, they're sorely mistaken," he said. "We plan to give 'em 90 minutes of hell."

"Now look," the Chief Editor said to his new Work-Experience guy, "it's very simple, your style of writing conflicts with the Chronicle's unique, overriding... um... er..."

"Idiom?" the new boy interrupted.

"Idiom! Exactly." The Chief said, trying not to give the kid credit for sthinking of such a word. "You're not in our idiom. Look, let me spell it out for you:"


Starblaydia Make Finals, 3-0


"First of all its your titles. Now, you've got the Size Four Font correct, as well as the emboldening of the letters and the use of the national colour. That's all groovy, but your use of commas is inappropriate at best. Plus we like to have something witty to underline our headlines, and lay off the puns in the headline unless they're actually remotely funny."


Jhanna, Starblaydia -- Showing the form of a team who had sealed their qualification for an appearance in their seventh consecutive World Cup, Starblaydia even rested some of their starting eleven to save them for the next match against Crystilakere. 3-0 was the scoreline over still-unknown Tramontina, keeping Starblaydia at the top of Group One.


"A dateline? Who the hell cares? If you can't be arsed to find out whereabouts the match was being played, then you won't care about where it was. Opening statement is good enough, though."


"They're a team who do deserve some respect," said Manager Nikola Lazerevski, "but I think our class and conditioning shone through again them today."


"Your seemingly-mandatory reaction-quote from the head of the national team is all a bit boring, really, as there's only so much a media-savvy coach is able to say after a match. They're usually happy but not taking the piss after an easy win over a crap team. There's no story there, it's just filler."


Starblaydia (9-1-1, 28 points) have conceeded just two goals, against friends Nova Britannicus and rivals Crystilakere, on their way to a four-point lead in Group One, showing that they have some true class. Top-scorer so far Zhorin Tumunzahar scored twice on the 15th and 52nd minutes to take his tally in this World Cup XXIII qualifying session to Seven in Eleven matches. Michalis Mitrofanis, who will move to Krytenian-based team Everton City Reds after the Qualifiers, bagged the third along the way.


"Nine-One-One, Twenty-Eight points?" The Editor was confused. "What the hell kind of statistic is that? For people who can't look up a table and then also can't do maths? And as for statistics, it doesnt tell you what the group looks like, so I dunno what that's there for. Otherwise its just a vaguely-boring description of a scoresheet. Where was the pride? The passion? How good were the goals? With what foot, from how far? These are the things people need to know about the goals."


"Aye, t'was a reet good match fer me, personally-like," said two-goal Tumunzahar after the match, "t'bag a brace is always good, but its better that tae team win, ye ken me?"


"Okay," he continued, "quote from a player too, but they're even less likely to say something interesting than the Coaches. Just don't even bother talking to them. Now, here comes the really bad part:"


Match Record:
Starblaydia Vs Reichsdeutschland, 3-0, Zaragoza, Matranga, Tumunzahar
Anarchist Canuckistan Vs Starblaydia, 2-0, Buathiang, Zaragoza
Starblaydia Vs Oceaice, 1-0, Ogunniya
Tramontina Vs Starblaydia, 2-0, Tumunzahar, Mitrofanis
Crystilakere Vs Starblaydia, 0-1, None
Nova Britannicus Vs Starblaydia, 1-1, Steliopolous
Starblaydia Vs Spruitland, 4-0, Tumunzahar (2), Matranga, Zaragoza
Reichsdeutschland Vs Starblaydia, 4-0, Santiago, Sodek, Buathiang, Tumunzahar
Starblaydia Vs Anarchist Canuckistan, 2-0, Matranga (2)
Oceaice Vs Starblaydia, 2-0, Buathiang, Aguilera
Starblaydia Vs Tramontina, 3-0, Tumunzahar (2), Mitrofanis

Final Three Games:
Starblaydia Vs Crystilakere
Starblaydia Vs Nova Britannicus
Spruitland Vs Starblaydia


"That's just unnecessary," the Editor said, "takes up too much space for not much apparent reason. Leave it out next time. I don't even think you were alive when we still did stuff like that. We grew out of it pretty quickly."


Region 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD PP
Q. Starblaydia 28 9 1 1 24:2 22 37
Q. Crystilakere 24 7 3 1 17:2 15 33
Q. Nova Britannicus 24 7 3 1 14:4 10 33
E. Spruitland 14 2 8 1 6:6 0 23
E. Oceaice 12 3 3 5 6:12 -6 21
E. Anarchist Canuckistan 7 2 1 8 2:12 -10 16
E. Reichsdeutschland 6 1 3 7 2:17 -15 15
E. Tramontina 5 1 2 8 3:19 -16 14


"This, however, is quite useful." The Editor was impressed, for once. "No-one official has said that all of the Top Three are now qualified for the Cup, so that's a good, if minor, piece of mathematical journalism. Overall: must try harder."

Ashley Standard

To Third!
Three Games, 9 Possible Points Seperate Kodiaks From Finals.

The National side got some help from some reservists today as the Kodiaks wons 2-0 over Kajiztahn today in Colombo.

The victory, coupled with their tie yesterday in Eastentown against Druida helps push the Kodiaks to a razor thin lead for third place with three games - and three possible traps - left in Qualification.

Led by (to be named later), who subbed for a resting Jude Westington (who signed off to head off to Krytenia), the Kodiaks struck early, scoring in the fifth and twelfth minutes and were able to press Kajiztahn from making any attacks on Raslan Seregn.

Next up, the Kodiaks head off to a possible trap against Tonissa before running into the top two teams in the group - Sarzonia and Raptors Claw. Chicanada definitly needs a win against Tonissa to help keep them ahead into their toughest games. A 2-0-1 split, or even a 1-1-1 split might just be enough to hold off Druida and a stumbling Hypocria to score their first ever Finals appearance.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia W 2:0
MD6: Sarzonia L 0:2
MD7: @ Raptor Claw T 0:0
MD8: @ Hypocria T 1:1
MD9: Lucianic W 2:0
MD10: Druida T 1:1
MD11: Kajiztahn W 2:0
MD12: @ Tonissia
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: (after several pots of coffee) RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABB LERABBLERABBLE!

Florizen: Damn, hat rabbling better help us move on, you crazy old goat!

The Nedalia Lions


Hello and welcome again to Late Night Football. I’m Vern Tap.

It seems like the task of qualifying to WC 23 has proven slightly too much for this Lions squad, as they now find themselves 6 points off of 3rd place with 3 more matches to be played. Two draws with Bettia and Lethislavania has injured the squad’s hopes and, coupled with the Bettian victory over Englerica, has propelled our neighbors to 4th place, 3 points ahead of us and 3 points off of 3rd.

While technically there is still hope for the team to qualify, it remains slim, especially with games against more experienced sides such as Oaker and Lovisa. One loss to either would seal our fate officially, and even a draw would set us back along way. Regardless of the outcome, however, this campaign has already been deemed a success, thanks only to the utter awfulness of the last one. With players such as Nene and Yamtech really putting on a show on the international stage, Nedalia’s name has began to be noticed among those in the inner circle of powerhouse football nations.

With reality keeping them in check, Nedalians all over the country have become vocal about their support to our eastern neighbors, Bettia. Bettian flags hang from balconies, and there has even been talk of forming a unity coalition and sending a few thousand Nedalians to cheer on their friends in their away games. Eastern Nedalians, especially from the city of Dulatha, which is a mere 30 minutes west of the Bettian city of Akani Sands, have also been buying tickets in drove to watch the Bettian national squad in action. Our support is with you, and if we cant make, know that we’re cheering you on, dear neighbor! This has been another edition of Late Night Football with me, Vern Tap.

"So, Keira," Dave asked, as one Royal kicked the ball lightly to the other Royal, "how about you and me grab a cuppa when we get back home?"

"I don't think so, Dave," she said, letting him down as gentley as possible.

"Aw, c'mon," he said, "don't funk with my heart. It's that Jay guy, isn't it?"

"Dave," she said, "you're too fat."

"With a 'ph'?" Dave looked hopeful.

"No, with an 'f'." Keira jabbed him lightly in the stomach with her clipboard. "Now shut up, we're not done yet."

*****

Filling their backpacks with the genetically-engineered Dead-eyed peas, Charlie and Jaehaerys made their way back up the ladder and out into the field of regular Black-eyed peas. Keeping low, trying to hide in the afternoon sun, they rushed as quickly as they could to the perimeter fence, still broken from their first attempt at stealing the vegetables from the garden.

"I feel like Peter Rabbit," said Charlie, "coming out of Mister MacGregor's garden."

"Good point," Jay agreed, "you have the ears for it."

*****

Yandaki had the King right in his viewfinder, just as he stepped on the ball and nearly fell over.

"Great dummy," Royal said, massaging the King's ego by half-diving to the right, as if thrown by an excellent trick, "Sasi of Rejistania did that to me once when I was closing him down, neat trick."

"Er, thankyou," the King said, "nice to see I still could have been a footballer if the Biochemistry hadn't worked out."

A small bit of the display on the viewfinder blinked. To anyone else, they'd just have thought a bit of the battery had discharged. To Yandaki, though, he knew that it was a signal from Charlie and Jay that their distraction mission was completed.

"I think we are having all the footage that is good," Yandaki said in his ever-broken English, "go Time."

"Great!" Keira broke in and went up to the King. Behind her, Yandaki, Royal and Dave were hurriedly packing up and getting into the Hummer. "Lovely to have met you, international ties and all that. Goodbye."

Funnily enough, alarms were now sounding all over the compound, confusing the King slightly.

"What is going on?" he asked through the passenger's window of the Hummer.

"Let's get it started, Dave!" Kiera yelled at the Britannican in the Driver's seat.

"What do you think I am, retarded?" Dave yelled back, the engine turning over but not catching.

The building's doors burst open and out came some guards, a few of them were even armed. Which wasn't good. With Dave franticly trying the engine, Yandaki concentrated for a moment. Those so-atuned to such things - none of whom present were - would have detected a slight aura of power around him.

"Try now." he said simply. The engine roared into life and Dave sped off down the road and out of the compound.

"We did it!" he yelled as they broke through the open gate and onto the open road. He looked into his mirrors. "Shit!"

Screeching to a halt and throwing the Hummer into reverse, he backed up around a hundred yards to the front gate. The back doors opened and Charlie and Jay piled in, nearly squashing Keira in the back seat.

"Go! Go! Go!" Jay yelled, putting off Dave who promptly stalled the engine. HE began to turn it over again, but once more it wasn't catching.

"Bloody hell," Yandaki said, closing his eyes to concentrate again, "must I everything do?"

Once more the engine roared into life and they six zoomed down the road and into relative freedom.

"What the hell is going on?" asked King Alfons. "Tell me at once!"

Today’s headlines…

One Goal Per Striker
Marmadukes Slap BoBs Around
Liam & Co Media

Captain Bell Scores 20th International Goal
Describes It As "Orgasmic...Literally"
Liamist States Times

Matchday 12: Some Losers From Somewhere
Easy Win Expected
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Defence Again Perfect
Three Straight Clean Sheets
Soccer Monthly

Will It Be Third Time Lucky?
Three Games To Go With A Three Point Lead Over Spurland In WC23 Qualifying
Eaks: "Man, How Fuckin' Freaky Is Three? Will It Be 3-0 Tomorrow You Think?"
CDL Courier

Squornshelous Rebounds

Following their 4th nil-nil draw, the Pschychoes trash Milchama

RP coming later


Final Score:
Squornshelous 4-0 Milchama

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Geurrero [5]
SQU: Skritsch [15]
SQU: Geurrero [31]
SQU: Zikov [57]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 7
Skritsch: 4
Popov: 3
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 9:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 25 7 4 0 20:1 19
2. Krytenia 25 7 4 0 16:1 15
3. Fmjphoenix 21 7 0 4 15:8 7
4. Caprine States 17 5 2 4 10:7 3
5. Kipto-Mare 13 3 4 4 10:11 -1
6. Buben 7 1 4 6 5:15 -10
7. Garinas 6 1 3 7 4:18 -14
8. Milchama 6 1 3 7 3:22 -19

eliminated teams
qualified teams

Up Next:
With Squornshelous and Krytenia once again tied for the group lead on points, this match has become vital. The winner will probably go on to take first place in the group, and the loser will have to fend off Fmjphoenix for second.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous 3-0 Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States 0-0 Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous 4-0 Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Qualifying hopes quashed

FIVE NATIONS (BT) -- In dramatic fashion, Oglethorpia just fell short of a draw against Five Nations, the match ending 3-2 in the favor of the home side. With the loss in the books, the Ostriches are now nine points out of a qualifying spot -- making qualification near impossible.

"I'm totally shocked over this loss," said Torrence Black after fulltime. "It's almost if some higher power willed it to Five Nations' favor."

Oglethorpia scrambled to make its two goals in the second half, after keeper Hip Replac ceded three over the course of the first half. Both were credited to striker Mel Memorable, but still, his efforts weren't enough.

"Too late in the match to matter," said Memorable. "If we had played like that earlier we could've drawn, but, alas."

With the defeat at the hands of the third placed team in group four, Oglethorpia is now nine points out of the qualifying spot.

"Putting that into perspective for the not-so-intelligent," began keeper Hip Replac, "that means we need to win all of our remaining matches to even just tie for third; nevermind their GD, and assuming they lose the rest of their matches."

Another slightly obstructing obstacle is Tadjikistan, whom Oglethorpia faces on matchday 14 and has only been defeated once. Most fans back home aren't surprised though.

"They had that proclaimed nonchalant approach in the beginning of qualifying," pointed out one fan, "and then at the end optimism we could qualify? You sleep in the bed you make -- a fitting result for that mind-boggling sudden change of heart."

"Besides all their wins," elaborated coach Black, "Five Nations lost only once, actually making draws. Compared to our meager single draw, it's evident who really deserves to qualify."

Given the relative impossibility of qualification at this point, Oglethorpia intends to play it easy, focusing on the more promising cup in four years.

The remaining Oglethorpian qualifying schedule is as follows.

MD 12: Oglethorpia @ Bipedal Apes
MD 13: Oglethorpia vs. Tichang
MD 14: Oglethorpia vs. Tadjikistan

Harlesburg Move Closer

Harlesburg 2 Wella 2
After a brace of disappointing loses and the odd official and unofficial warnings from the events organisers Harlesburg have moved a step closer to achieving their long sort after goal to move past the qualifiers and to reach the next round.

The result against Wella does that for Harlesburg as they continue to hold a single Competition point against their most familiar of rivals.
Wella sitting on 18 competition points and Harlesburg sitting on 19 competition points both knew how crucial the game would be.

Harlesburg Defender Fillo Pastry had this to say “We were feeling comfortable before the second leg of the qualifiers but after the results we’ve had nothing was certain and its good to get some goals credited to us and not just for the opposition.”

After two matches between Harlesburg and Wella one thing is a certainty both teams are equally matched the first match was a 3 all draw and the second played late yesterday afternoon was a 2 all draw and when you take into account only one competition point separates the two teams you get an even better realisation of the situation.

Even in goals scored for and against Harlesburg and Wella are practically inseperable with Harlesburg scoring 15 goals and allowing 11 and Wella putting 14 in the Ol’ Onion Bag and letting 9 in.
Harlesburg have only kept a lead by having one more victory than Wella after they pulled off a freakish victory versus EL CID THE HERO by one goal.

Harlesburg started the Scorekeeper’s day early when in the eighth minute off a Corner kick Harlesburg scored.
Hassim Salad had kicked short to when he was in free space and from the new anlge and Wellaian defenders forced to come out to chalenge him and the Harlesburg attacking players mindful of the offside rule controlled the ball well beating off one defenders attempt at wresting the ball from his possesion and then launching it into the box where it found the head of a forward lunging Ollaun Sallasan.

Wella’s comeback was long in coming when in the 32nd minute they finally breached the Harlesburg defence down the middle and after wrong footing the Harlesburg defence on two occasions free space was opened up on the left wing where the ball was quickly whipped in and Wella pushing men into the box caused enough chaos to disrupt Harelsburg’s clearing attempts and the Wellaian midfielder managed to get the faintest of touches on the ball and direct it into the lower right corner of the goal.

The half ended with Harlesburg in attack mode having made 6 shots on goal 3 of which were on target and forced a save from the Wellaians.
Ollaun Sallasan having made 3 of these shots Bompmore 1 Jones 1 and Pastry being the oppurtunist that he is taking the last shot of the game from far out in his own half after seeing the Wellaian Keeper to far forward though he managed to scramble back and knock it over the net but forfeiting a corner.
The Corner was taken by Pastry with the whole Harlesburgian line up except for Derrick Jaresten Who sat back on half way, and Pastry found the centre of the box but a confident leap from the Wellian Goalkeeper snatched the ball in the air.

Wella however showed passion in the second half and started off with a flurry of chances that were all finally extinguished by Harlesburg until the 56th minute when Harlesburg’s line collapsed under the pressure and Wella found space behind the line for their main forward to slip into and when one on one with Chapworth Even he couldn’t stop the well placed shot as it bet the Goalies outstretched hand by some 3 feet.

Harlesburg were shocked by this and didn’t come out of their shell until the 66th minute when Harlesburg made some changes with Leroy Brown coming on for Pedro Hernandez and Pedro Sanchez coming on for Kirk Freeman And soon after in the 72nd minute Captain Charles Bompmore found an opportunity to level the score when he found himself open after receiving the ball back from Lerrick Jones who had ran down the right wing drawing two defenders and when Bompmore got it back he simply kicked it as hard as he could low along the ground and as it barely left the ground it slipped under the dive of the Keeper.

All those changes were rather strange but with Harlesburg desperate for a win or at the least a draw they felt it needed to be done and with all the grace of the gods it paid off this time and it could have been disastourous pulling two Defenders for two Offensive minded players.

9 Olaun Sallasan
15Micheal Sladeresent 11 Lerrick Jones

19 Happy Mc'slap
14 Hassim Salad 7 Charles Bompmore(C)

2 Pedro Hernandez 20 John Fellerup13 Derrick Jaresten
5 Kirk Freeman

21 Olsen Olsen
Bench
18 Derrick Potter(K)
12 Micheal Dornerger(RD)
20 Leroy Brown(M)
8 Fredderick Roberts(M)
17 Pedro Sanchez(S)

For the next match olsen Olsen gets the Orange kit and starts as Goalkeeper with Chapworth getting a rest.
John Fellerup gets a start taking centre defence and finally Happy Mc'slap returns again this time taking the place of Werston who hasnt looked active in the past few games.

These changes are deemed as a oppurtunistic with Harlesburg all but assured off going to the next round and the need to build some depth is a tad necassary.

Harlesburg Goal Scorers
Ollaun Sallasan 8th min
Charles Bompmore 72nd min
Shots on Goal
Harlesburg 15
Wella 11
Shots on Target
Harlesburg 8
Wella 7
Corner Kicks
Harlesburg 4
Wella 3

MD8: 0 Harlesburg vs Haperd 0
MD9:1 Harlesburg vs Pedriana 0
MD10:0 Harlesburg vs Turori 3
MD11:2 Wella vs Harlesburg 2
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg
MD13:Harlesburg vs Riegab
MD14:Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO

Jeruselem Government News

Oh Canada!

World Cup XXXIII, match day XI. It's down the last few games and well, 3rd spot in Group 10 is still open. With Hockey Canada, Spaam and Jeruselem in the fight it's down to the business end of the qualifiers.

TnUI stopped the "let's draw with everyone" rot and hammered Spolotikopia 3-0 to be unbeaten in 11 games. We have no doubt they will be in the top 2 now.

In show of "we can do the same", One Red Dot won against Kassyyk 3-0 as well and stayed as group leader. We have no doubt they will be in the top 2 now as well.

Spaam got a win against the "other" Canadians 2-0. They beat Antarcticanada to put pressure on the other two contenders for 3rd spot and stopped the run of losses.

Now for the real game - Jeruselem vs Hockey Canada. 3rd vs 4th - if we lost the Canadians would be in good position and a draw would help Spaam. Jeruselem WON 2-1 to show they are not a spent force.

First half the Canadians dominated possession but the defense tried to keep out an onslaught conceding one goal late in the 40th minute when the keeper messed up a clearance from a ping-pong style battle for possession.

U21 striker Jennifer Hawkins saved the day in the 2nd half. An individual burst down the left side running rings around Canadian defenders resulted in a penalty from the clumsy challenge in the goal square. Shalom nailed the penalty goal and put the scores even 76 minutes into the game. Hawkins scored her own goal when firing the free kick from hell deflecting of a Canadian defender away from their keeper into the Canadian net.

Total n Utter Insanity 3 Spolotikopia 0
One Red Dot 3 Kassyyk 0
Jeruselem 2 Hockey Canada 1
Spaam 2 Antarcticanada 0


Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 25 7 4 0 16:2 14
2. Total n Utter Insanity 23 6 5 0 13:2 11
3. Jeruselem 20 6 2 3 11:5 6
4. Hockey Canada 19 6 1 4 9:7 2
5. Spaam 16 4 4 3 9:6 3
6. Spolotikopia 10 2 4 5 8:11 -3
7. Antarcticanada 5 1 2 8 3:16 -13
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 9 3:23 -20

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Difficult duel ends in draw

by Ingbaba

Finradoon City, The Finrods - The Two-Footers arrived in the great nondescript esteemed human nation of The Finrods last week well out of contention in their World Cup qualifying group but well ahead of the host nation. As they disembarked the banana boat, the squad was to an ape momentarily overcome with awe at the forty-meter finrod trees for which the nation is named. Towering like magnificent feathers, their narrow, gently arced trunks scrape the sky, tickling it with an abundance of blue-green lacy fins.

Other than the unique flora, there isn’t much to distinguish this country, reportedly a commonwealth of the better-known Lovisa. And once the Two-Footers got used to feeling like parasites on the hide of a gigantic jay-bird, they got down to the business of trying to win a footie match.

Six months ago, these same two sides met at Bananaleaf Coliseum in Bananaton, with Ms. Blupotch sitting in as temporary coach. But the players weren’t responding well to Blupotch’s management, and so she took them to visit their regular leader in hospital, where they received a dose of Throckspartlism that propelled them to a three-nil victory-- their first of the qualifiers.

This time around, they had a somewhat diminished Ms. Throckspartle personally leading them to battle. After three consecutive losing efforts, she had inspired them to a draw with the Five Civilized Human Nations a month before, under less-than-inspiring conditions. Hopes were high among the Two-Footers that even with the Finradoonies’ world ranking and home advantage, another win might be achieved.

It was a lovely, crisp autumn night, perfect for football. However, Finradoon City Stadium was only half full; with the Finradoonies trolling the depths of the qualifying group, and the Two-Footers hardly a world-class opponent, local interest in the match was tepid. Still, the twenty-odd thousand on hand were enthusiastic, greeting the players vociferously, and even cheering Bedistanian official Jane Thompson as he strode to midfield.

Ms. Throckspartle’s first team was the same this night as in the two previous matches, featuring Barsoom in the front four along with Angstohm, Melloopa, and Gazeboo, and with Spotrockle in goal. Acting as captain, it was midfielder Bumdiddle who called the cointoss, and winning, elected to begin with possession.

The Finrodian side had undergone extensive changes since the teams’ last meeting; hardly surprising considering the Finradoonies’ poor performance. The new roster played it much closer, and the Two-Footers found themselves having a hard time making chances. After Barsoom kicked off to Angstohm the game settled into a struggle, with defenders on each side keeping the strikers at bay. Late in the first half, Hooboy received a yellow card for a particularly rough tackle against forward Brodmirn, and the ensuing penalty kick from ten meters came close to the net. But it was not until the closing minutes that the goose eggs were finally cracked, by Barsoom, who has lately been the Two-Footers’ most valuable striker. At 44 minutes, she took a time-running-out desperation shot from twenty-five meters that looked wide but curled through luck or skill into the leftmost corner of the net. The apes left the pitch up nil-one.

Angstohm came off to start the second half, with midfielder Walwollers inserted for defensive bolstering. Ms. Throckspartle’s strategy worked well for a time, but at 77 minutes the Finradoonies finally equalized as Nirdnom’s header off Brodmirn’s crossing pass caught Spotrockle diving the wrong way. The crowd erupted with joyous chanting-- “Fin-ra-doon-ies, Fin-ra-doon-ies!”-- and after Barsoom kicked off again, each side played with an even greater intensity. But neither would manage to crack the other’s defense, and in the end it was one point all around, for the match and for the standings.

Final score:
The Finrods 1 (Nirdnom, 77)
Republic of Bipedal Apes 1 (Barsoom, 44)

The Daily Druid

LEMON AID
Bill Posters speaks about the campaign against alcoholism. Again.

Well, the campaign to get Druida off the booze started off well. We reached a tenth of our target of sobering up a billion Druidans in next to no time. But the campaign seems to have tailed off a bit recently.

The combination of the international drink making community's 'Keeping Druida Drunk' campaign, along with apathy towards our national game (that's football, not shoe flinging as they think in the North East), seems to be having a bit of a detremental effect on the whole scheme of things.

Which means that we will be having an awareness concert to encourage soberity across Druida. Lemon Aid, named after a popular non-alcoholic beverage, will feature some of the biggest stars from Druida and around the world. Any stars wishing to participate should contact any of the Druidan organizing authorities.

Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po presents...
0-0 WATCH
International edition

Eleven nil-nils over two matchdays is... well, about average for this tedious qualifying campaign. Two for Spruitland, who are now guarenteed a share of the spoon, but still in the race (unfortunately) are... ahem... Druida, after our nil-nil at home to... ahem... Tonissia.

Yes, it was a nil-nil in Druida, something that, by all intents and purposes, is banned. How did it happen? Well, as usual, we got another dodgy referee.

But, no, Lyksu Kansu can be spared for at least one more matchday. No, last night's referee was from Eauz, Mr Christophe L'Equal, who insisted that both teams had to play equally. To ensure this, he made sure that no goals were scored, otherwise one side might get a bit of momentum going. L'Equal is now awaiting his trial in Cefn tomorrow, where he is expected to be given a three month sentence.

MD10
Spruitland 0 Crystilakere 0
Invincible BoB 0 Spurland 0
Liamist States 0 Liverpool England 0
Caprine States 0 Squornshelous 0
Hockey Canada 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0

MD11
Nova Britannicus 0 Spruitland 0
Oceaice 0 Anarchist Canuckistan 0
Svecia 0 Kericia 0
Bedistan 0 Tichang 0
Lethislavania 0 Nedalia 0
Druida 0 Tonissia 0


This means that the 0-0 table looks like this...


Spruitland 7
Krytenia 4
Prolaterian Pandas 4
Squornshelous 4
Druida 4
11 teams on 3
18 teams on 2
36 teams on 1
10 teams on 0

Hyppos Clawed



Hypocria 1 – 3 Raptor Claw
Shirko 63



The Hypocria team travelled to 27th ranked Raptor Claw on the back of a 4 – 0 hammering at the hands of the World Champions Sarzonia, it was not ideal preparation. Having already lost 1 – 0 to the Raptors at the Hyppodrome earlier in the campaign the Hypocrian fans were not overly optimistic about their team’s chances.

We would tell you what happened but our reporter got lost in a jungle and, well, hasn’t been heard of since. But what we have managed to piece together is that Shirko scored in the second half, which is an improvement on the last match. Unfortunately the home side hit three which, for all those of you keeping score at home, means a 3 – 1 win for the Raptors.


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
5. Nalepka
6. Blake
7. Petras
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
20. West
21. Veron




Elsewhere in the group Sarzonia won by a 4 – 0 score line for the second consecutive game to guarantee the Champions a chance of defending their title in Eauz and Rejistania, this time it was Lucianic who provided the token opposition. Chicanda moved to within a point of second placed Raptor Claw after a 2 – 0 home win over Kajiztahn while Druida were held to another goalless draw at home, this time by Tonissia. Legal action is pending.



Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 31 10 1 0 32:1 31
2. Raptor Claw 20 5 5 1 13:4 9
3. Chicanada 19 5 4 2 10:6 4
4. Druida 17 4 5 2 11:4 7
5. Hypocria 15 4 3 4 13:13 0
6. Tonissia 8 1 5 5 5:12 -7
7. Kajiztahn 5 1 2 8 5:27 -22
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 8 4:26 -22


Hypocria had been in third place in Group 9 two matches ago but the defeats to Sarzonia and Raptor Claw have dropped the Hyppos down to fifth place in the table, a mere 16 points behind the leaders. But with a trip to Kajiztahn up next, followed by a home match against bottom of the table Lucianic, the Hypocria could still challenge for second place.


MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (5 - 0 win)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria (3 - 1 win)
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 1)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 win)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (4 - 0 loss)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria (3 - 1 loss)
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

From the newspaper Hürriyet:


Fmjphoenix Unable to Withstand Caprine Charge


Spirits were down in Maviyol and everywhere in the Confederacy when a very well-played game by the Goats ended in a 0-0 draw against the Psychos from Squornshelous. Reports came in of citizens taking their frustrations out on such diverse objects as bags of gummy bears and telephone polls after the draw which should, by all accounts have been a win.

For the first time in international play, the media cried foul at the officiating of the game. Even Scott Stuart from the well-respected television show Center of Sports pointed out problems. "Of the eleven offsides called against Caprine States, film study shows that four were wrong and another two were questionable. Of the six yellow cards given to Caprine States players, three were for plays where little to no contact occurred. Psycho goalie Marko Antropov tripped Aloysius Tompkinson in the penalty area but was called for no foul. This should not have happened."

Only some of the anger was directed towards the officiating, however. The rest was placed solely upon midfielder Ricardo Sánchez-Rodriguez, who took the only penalty shot of the match in the 84th minute. With just a little bit too much force on the ball, the very intense young La Manchan struck the penalty off the crossbar and over, dooming the Goats to a nil all draw.

After the match, Caprine Captain Johnny Martin spoke to reporters about the officiating and the penalty. "No one would really have talked about the extraordinarily <expletive>ty refereeing if Ricardo had made that shot, sure. But Ricardo made one mistake. I made one too with bad aim from fifteen yards. But the refs made so many. Normally I'd say we should have played better, but we played our hearts out. This match should have been 3-0; not 1-0 or 0-0. And it isn't Ricardo's fault. It's theirs. Plain and simple."

When asked to comment on his captain's comments, Coach Mustafa Akburun simply said, "As usual, he was right. I've seen better officiating in my nephew's peewee games."

When asked to comment on both her captain's and her boss's comments, Assistant Coach Juliet Bonaventure first asked why she was being asked after Akburun, then went on to say, "A few fans stormed the field trying to get to the refs. The Caprine government had to step in and offer them protection. Of course," she said smirking, "someone will probably pee on their bread and water."

After this fiasco against one of the world's top teams, many in the Confederacy worried about what affect this may have on the players as they traveled to Fmjphoenix for a game that the Goats had to win to maintain any chance of qualifying for the World Cup.

As it turned out, our fans didn't have to worry much at all.

The match was quite intense, with both sides taking it to each other from the very start. Neither team could figure out the other's defense well enough to take clean shots, however, and the match decidedly remained knotted at nothing at the end of the first half.

"At the half, it felt a lot like that nil-nil draw we had in our first game in the Baptism of Fire," said fullback Michael Harrison, "We both played very well, and we both felt confident in our ability to take this match with our fine play."

Indeed, the result may have been similar to the Vtorbetin match's ovular scoreline had it not been for an unfortunate incident for Fmjphoenix if the 56th minute.

On a Caprine corner kick that resulted from a drive by the Rumbling Angora Wall of defenders Erkan Bözböyle and Bülent Özgür, an astonishing Özgür header was stopped by the right hand of Jason Mitchell. Unfortunately, Jason Mitchell was not the goalkeeper for the hapless Fmjphoenicians, and the referee immediately pulled out the red card to dismiss him from the match.

Ricardo Sánchez-Rodriguez, who missed the penalty kick in the Squornshelous match that kept the match tied at zero, was asked to take this kick by Coach Akburun. With millions of Goats watching with baited breath, Sánchez-Rodriguez struck the ball with no reservations and put it into the upper-right corner of the net, far out of range of the keeper's reach to make it 1-0.

After that point Fmjphoenix was unable to mount any successful attacks against the Goats, and was usually kept in check by a possession offense that cruelly toyed with the home squad.

It was only because of a sudden hole perceived by striker Kankaldiran that the second goal, which he gently tapped in after getting by the keeper with a nice bit of spinning and jumping, was scored in the 78th minute. That goal sealed the match and sent the gleeful Goats to Garinas, where they will now play to keep their qualification hopes alive.

After the win against Fmjphoenix, Caprine States holds 17 points, four behind the 21 of the third place team, which is indeed Fmjphoenix. In order to qualify for the World Cup, the Goats will need an away victory in Garinas, and home victories against Milchama and Krytenia, in addition to some help from the Krytenians and Kipto-Mareans. Obviously it's still a long shot, but things are looking much better now than they did on Matchday 4, and the Goats can still make miracles happen.

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

QUALIFYING A ROLLER COASTER RIDE FOR LIGHTNING
First ever win over Vilita followed by a 2-2-2 record


The celebrations after the match with Vilita must have still been going on when Svecia faced off against Gaian Ascendancy in the very next game, and were defeated 1-0. It takes some skill to beat a team you have never beaten before, who also are former World Cup champions, and then lose to a team you have never heard of.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Curse of Spruitland spreads to Bedistan?

SONOMA CITY -- Lions fans all over the world were left feeling extremely frustrated after Bedistan's eleventh qualifying match for World Cup 23 after said match ended in a 0-0 draw. This, of course, might be marginally acceptable if Bedistan had played a credible opponent like Five Civilized Nations or Tadjikistan. Therefore, it of course occurred against an opposition team nobody's ever heard of - Tichang. And you've got to admit, there were some peculiar circumstances.

Bedistan's strike force was extremely reluctant to venture much past the center line, which is highly uncharacteristic of the team. Likewise, Tichang's offense seemed very timid as well, though that can likely be attributed to a fear of a double-digit loss at the hands of the former world champions. There wasn't even a hint of an attack by either side in the entire first half, leading to chants of "you couldn't score in a brothel" by fans on both sides (well, on one side, anyway; the Tichang side of the stadium was nearly empty). Manager Mike Davidson wasn't happy, knowing his team should've been ahead by at least two at halftime, and decided to switch gears from a 3-5-2 to a 3-4-3 by bringing on striker "Emperor" Joshua Norton in place of central midfielder Lloyd Roberts. But the second half saw no more aggressiveness from the Bedistani players. Slowly becoming infuriated, Davidson made two more substitutions to bring his team into what would normally be a near-suicidal 2-3-5 that instead played more like an 8-2-0. As much as he tried to order his players to attack the Tichang goal, they steadfastly refused to do so and the match ended nil-all.

So with the Lions now having seemingly deliberately flushed two valuable points directly down the drain, Bedistan goes into yet another match against Tadjikistan. Then again, maybe they should use the same tactic there that they used in this match. A draw is better than the usual loss, right?

finalscore
Bedistan 0
Tichang 0

"What the hell is going on?" asked King Alfons. "Tell me at once!"

But nobody dared respond. The handful of security guards aimlessly ran around the courtyard, none quite sure what to do. One of them pulled out a revolver, aimed at the Humvee in the distance, but then discovered the gun wasn’t loaded, so he just put it away again.

King Alfons tackled the nearest security guard to the ground and slapped him in the face.

“Explain this commotion to your King or face the consequences!”

“I’m… I’m sorry, Your Highness… Security breach! Someone opened the Secret Submarine Hatch leading to the Super-Top-Secret Classified Basement Department!”

“What!?!”

King Alfons paled. He gave the security guard another slap for good measure, then jumped up and hurried towards the building entrance. As he ran into the doorway, he simultaneously knocked his miter off his head and smacked into Miguel Schuyler, Spruit Inc’s CEO.

“Oh my… Terribly sorry, Your Highness!”

Schuyler scrambled to pick up the miter and started to place it back onto His Majesty’s head, but the King pulled it out of his hands and put it on himself. Backwards.

“The peas!” the King wailed. “Tell me they didn’t get the peas!”

“Erm… they got some, Your Highness. There’s still plenty of them left, though.”

“Those miserable <censored> <censored> <censored> <censored>! I knew that Nova Brit wasn’t a real King! We have to stop them! Come on, we’ll use the chopper!”

He rushed through the hallway to the stairs, pulling a clearly reluctant Schuyler along by the arm.

“Pardon me… but are you sure that is a good idea, Your Highness?”

“If you have a better friggin idea, this would be a good time to speak up, you incompetent fool!”

“Well, Your Highness… I was just wondering,” Schuyler spoke inbetween deep breaths as they ran up the stairs to the roof entrance, “since we don’t really need the peas no more, with the Wabbits going for that Wooden Spoon thing and all, if we couldn’t just, you know, perhaps, ignore the matter and go watch some tv?”

“Coward!” King Alfons sneered, briefly halting to slap Schuyler in the face with the back of his hand. “It’s the principle of the matter, you fool! Take a man’s peas and you take away his dignity!”

They rushed onto the roof, where two guards jumped up from their card game and produced something between a salute and a bow.

“You two, follow me!” the King waved, dragging Schuyler towards the Royal Helicopter.

“Your Majesty, I don’t much care for flying transporta-” the CEO started, but when he saw the King’s face he quickly clambered on board. As the two security guards climbed in as well, the chopper pilot woke up with a snore.

“Uh? What’s happenin’ then?”

King Alfons bent over the front seat to slap the man in the face.

“Start this piece of crap and follow that Humvee! Move it!”

“And please fly carefully,” Schuyler added, looking around for something to strap himself in with.

* * * * *

“There they are!” His Majesty shouted, dangerously leaning out of the helicopter, holding his miter onto his head with one hand. Schuyler was tempted to pull the King back inside, but he didn’t dare.

The Humvee was moving at full speed over a dirt road inbetween fields of Spruits, heading for a dense forest a few miles up ahead. The Royal Helicopter started the chase, closing the gap fast.

“You!” the King shouted, pointing a finger at one of the security guards. “Shoot them! Aim for the tires!”

The guard shrank back, glancing nervously at his colleague.

“Come on, man! What are you waiting for? Fire!”

“I erm… don’t have a gun, Your Majesty,” the guard said, ducking away from the Royal Slap-in-the-face.

King Alfons looked at the other guard, who raised his palms apologetically.

“Bloody imcompetents! Do I have to do everything myself around here?” His Majesty frantically searched through the interior of the helicopter for any sort of weapon, and quickly found something to his satisfaction.

“Hey, those are mine!” the pilot shouted over his shoulder as the King cracked open a wooden case. “My wife’s gonna be pissed if I don’t -”

“It’s contraband, is what it is!” King Alfons sneered, taking one of the cabbages from the case and weighing it in his hand. “Now take us down as close as you can!”

Hockey Canada to play Spolotikopia, Antarcticanada and One Red Dot

The loss to Jeruselem didn't to much to aid Hockey Canada's tight race to qualify for World Cup 23. But things are looking slightly up for the Canucks, who have been swapping places with Jeruselem for a few days now. Spolotikopia, Antarcticanada and One Red Dot will need to play against the Hockey Canadians in a last-ditch attempt to qualify, so the overview of the teams Hockey Canada will play against will be key.

Spolotikopia

The rookies are proving that they can come back in the final 3 games, but a loss to Hockey Canada will seal their fate. They've been showing promise in the latter parts of the Qualifying round, but things are looking grim for Spolotikopia. Next World Cup they should expect to do much better with the team they have, they have really done well for a rookie team.

The game against Spolotikopia in the earlier part of the round was exciting, but the Hockey Canadians proved too much for the upstart rookies leaving the Canucks with 3 points and Spolotikopia with nothing. Now that Hockey Canada will be playing again, Spolotikopia will be playing for pride while Hockey Canada will be playing in the fight to stay alive.

Antarcticanada

Once again, the rookies have fallen to the bottom of Group 10, but it didn't mean Antarcticanada was last. That honour went to Kassyyk for their brilliant play in this year's World Cup qualifying round. Antarcticanada are the wannabes of Hockey Canada with their cold-sounding names and the word Canada in it, but we all know that they didn't stand out much from other rookies in this World Cup Qualifying round.

The game against Antarcticanada may prove to be a good one. 2 polar nations battling it out on a grass field may turn out to be quite entertaining for most people who like to watch soccer games with a harpoon in one hand and a dead seal in the other. The 1st game against Antarcticanada was a boring one for a few viewers, but ice on the pitch may slip in Hockey Canada's favour.

One Red Dot

The Dots beat Hockey Canada the first time around but the Canucks promise not to go out losing to the Dots. Sure they may be far better that the Hockey Canadians and may beat them any other time, but one thing for sure is that Hockey Canada won't go down without a fight if need be. A Jeruselem loss would really help our cause at this moment.

Hockey Canada will make it short and sweet- to win here, you can advance. To draw here, you might advance. To lose here, you have a slight chance of advancing. So let the games begin.

Stars punch ticket with 4-0 win

Coach Dave Wilson may have to re-evaluate his statements about playing aggressively for the rest of the qualification stage. His Sarzonian national team dominated every phase of the match against Lucianic, winning 4-0 and clinching the Region 9 title with three matches remaining.

Sarzonia got a hat trick from forward Barry Alphonso and only an own goal by Lucianic's central defender prevented a fourth tally from the veteran. Goalkeeper Horace Sandt made two saves and was scarcely tested all match, which has been the hallmark of most of the qualifying season for World Cup XXIII.

"I have to give a lot of credit to the players," Wilson said. "This is proving to be the best self-coached side I have ever come across. Look around this room," he said. "Look at Brian [Wilson, forward]. Look at [midfielder] Darwin [Russell]. Look at [defender] Mike Coyle. All these guys have now been a part of this team for so long that they can say to the rest of the team what [the coaching staff] would have said. Pretty much, they can do my job for me."

Sarzonia may be in position to coast of the rest of the tournament, but Dave Wilson said the team would not be likely to rest on its laurels.

"This team has taken on my personality. We can joke around when it's after practice or before games or whatnot, but when it's time to start playing, we're all business. This is one of the most focused teams I've ever seen."

The Stars outscored opponents 34-3 during World Cup XXII qualifying and finals competition, but have a 32-1 margin of goals for to goals against. Wilson said the team has "given up trying to explain it.

"We just play well on both sides of the centre circle," he said. "I guess this is the new Karela."

Tyka Idvil re-checked his formulae again and again, the tesjet-riva (time splitting) worked, but the bug, which Siki Rej found exists too. He decided that there was no use in staring at it over and over again. He called Siki Rej.
"Su?" asked he in the most impolite voice he ever heard of someone not working for the police.
"Hejida Siki, I need help with the formulae..."
"Then why don't ask someone, who knows?"
"Siki, you do and well, you spotted the error, which made me work all night!"
"And if I won't come?"
"The Chai will become cold"
"Hey, you should have told me that you have chai!"
Siki hangs up and arrives only one minute later.

RP-cutoff

A letter reaches the temple:


va'karela finally up and running, can you believe how much trouble it was to hide from the Bedistani police all the time?

SL

Squornshelous through to the Cup

Pschychoes Qualify by defeating Krytenia
Squornshelous completed their most thrilling match of qualifying instyle, by recording a 2-1 victory over Group 6 second seeds Krytenia. From day one of this Cup's qualifying, it was obvious that one of the two sides would take first place, and now it seems that Squornshelous has all but won that title. The Pschychoes are three points ahead of the Caleys with only two matches left to play, and while ech team has one easy opponent, Krytenia will have to play the dangerous side from Fmjphoenix, while Squornshelous will square off against Kipto-Mare.
The match was really a fantastic display off football in every aspect of the game. Passing on both sides was superb, matched only by the skill of the opposing defenders. The first shot of the match came in the eleventh minute, when Hassan Isserson let fly from 30 meters. Not a particularly memorable shot, but the first of many to come. The next shot was for Squornshelous. Marko Antropov threw the ball out to Peter Skritsch, who immediately passed upfield to Jorge Perez. With their unique 4-1-2-1-2 formation, the Pschychoes were able to control the center of the field, and quickly move the ball up to their forwards. In this case, Perez dribbled forward, and then passed up to Popov. Popov saw that James Barcali was some ways out of the goalmouth, and fired from over 40 meters, hoping to send it over his head. Barcali recovered just in time to knock the ball up over the crossbar. On the corner kick following the shot, Barcali made a great play in punching the ball out of danger, and the Caleys took possession again.
After quite a bit of back a forth play like this, Popov once again caught Barcali to far out, and fired. This time a diving Barcali couldn't reach the ball, but it bounced up and rebounded off the crossbar. As Barcali struggled to his feet, Brian Guerrero met the ball with his forehead to put the Pschychoes ahead.
It must be credited to the Caleys that they didn't panic following this goal. They remained calm and concentrated on retaining possession of the ball, a sure sign of good management. After some minutes of probing the Squornshelan defense, Phillip Neasden broke through past Tor Jacobs, and fired from the top corner of the box. The ball curled back around Marko Antropov and slipped just past his fingers as the second goal allowed by Squornshelous in all of qualifying. After 10 more minutes of good play all around, the teams went into the dressing room at halftime with the score locked up at 1-1.
The second half brought more of the first, with good plays all around, and quite a few diving saves by the goalkeepers. Antropov in particular distinguished himself with a trio of refex saves in quick succession of a corner kick, while Barcali at the other end made a pair of saves on Popov and Guerrero, both of whom had clear shots on goal.
Finally, with the match wearing on, something gave. Squornshelous was pressing hard, following a long ball by Dmitri Ulanych, and had three men in one of the corners, including Gunnar Thorsen, subbed in for Yanni Zikov, Jorge Perez and Franz Persson (no relation to Krytenian Captain Stuart Persson) who had come in for Popov. As the ball came to Persson, he spotted Petr Skritsch, who was, as always, waiting at the top of the box, and hit him with a quick pass. Skritsch's first touch was a blistering shot into the far corner that put the Pschychoes up with just 19 minutes left in regulation time.

Final Score:
Krytenia 1-2 Squornshelous

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Geurrero [29]
KRY: Neasden [36]
SQU: Skritsch [71]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 8
Skritsch: 5
Popov: 3
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 12:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 28 8 4 0 22:2 20
2. Krytenia 25 7 4 1 17:3 14
3. Fmjphoenix 22 7 1 4 15:8 7
4. Caprine States 20 6 2 4 11:7 4
5. Kipto-Mare 16 4 4 4 12:11 1
6. Buben 7 1 4 7 5:17 -12
7. Milchama 7 1 4 7 3:22 -19
8. Garinas 6 1 3 8 4:19 -15

eliminated teams
qualified teams
Squornshelous has qualified, and looks to cruise through its last two matches. Watch for a lot of backups to see action against Kipto-Mare and Buben.

Up Next:
Kipto-Mare is one of the only two teams to record a goal against Squornshelous. We'll see if they can repeat that feat in front of 85,000 screaming fans at Damogran Colliseum.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous 3-0 Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States 0-0 Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous 4-0 Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia 1-2 Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Ostriches lay egg as apes land on feet

By Bongo

Upright City - World Cup qualifiers continued last night as esteemed Oglethorpian national side visited humble home of Consolidated Federated Weavers. With several Two-Footers to call their own, enthusiastic citizens of Upright City turned out in droves for match, showing great willingness to endure early-season torrential downpour and/or typhoon.

Oglethorpian manager Ms. Torrence expressed concern on observing Honkhonk Stadium regarding structural integrity of bleachers, changing rooms, and pitch, echoing concerns CFW supporters expressed throughout premiere league season (especially after section of bleachers collapsed during fifth match of season, dumping 47 fans through roof of changing room onto Federated Banana Mills players, injuring several). However, despite appearances, all seats not marked by grounds crew with red “X” are sound, and many have been shored up with 2x4s. Furthermore, changing room roof was carefully re-thatched with brand new bananaleafs following accident, and even grade-2 typhoon not likely to cause major leaks.

So it was with great confidence in personal safety that Two-Footers took field to face opponents, while general discomfort of Ostrich players at thought of maybe drowning was evident from get-go. From Billiam Xmas’ kickoff to start match, play was tepid, with humans trying not to break legs slipping on waterlogged turf, and apes slowed by waterlogged fur. Few attempts were taken during first half, as players did best to propel ball more than four meters per kick and seventeen interceptions occurred, most of them downpour-assisted.

But spirits of Upright City locals were, if anything, bolstered by typhoonicating weather, and chants set up during break echoed through stadium. When Ms. Throckspartle led squad back onto pitch for second half of play, was to eight thousand apes screaming in unison, “Give ball to our Barsoom; She will kick it through typhoon!” And Barsoom, clearly bolstered by hometown supporters’ compliment, quickly rose to challenge.

Receiving kickoff from Angstohm, she led Two-Footers’ first significant attack of the night, keeping pressure on Ostrich defenders despite extra forty pounds of water she carried in fur. Finally facing real challenge, Oglethorpians did best to respond in kind, but ultimately weather and Barsoom’s dedication to fans brought her to crossroads in persons of defender Potbell and keeper Replac. Knowing power-kick would never reach goal line, let alone sneak past human players, Barsoom kept possession of ball, using fanciest footwork she could muster to outfox Potbell, pass him, and face Replac alone. With Head and MacHangar closing on her, Barsoom dribbled toward keeper as rapidly as 30 kph winds would allow. Finally, four meters from Replac and locking eyes with esteemed human keeper, Barsoom drew foot back and prepared to kick. She sent ball left; Replac guessed right; ball landed inside net by matter of centimeters.

Crowd nearly pooped with joy as CFW’s star striker came through for Two-Footers for third straight qualifier. Several supporters attempted to rush field, but jumping fence from bleachers, they got snagged on improperly-nailed boards, and dangled helplessly by scruff-of-neck-fur until constabulary retrieved them off to hoosegow.

After goal, play settled into pattern familiar from first half, although Ms. Torrence notably berated Ostriches throughout for failure to put hearts into match. Possibly players, knowing bureaucratic requirements of Oglethorpian Footballing Authority, awaited submission of proper paperwork before giving all. Possibly playing in typhoon was just too much for side already on edge of disqualification. Whatever reason, match petered out with score still one-nil. At conclusion, Barsoom was spirited about field upon supporters’ shoulders and great happy joy was had by all apes.

Final score:
Republic of Bipedal Apes 1 (Barsoom, 54)
Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia 0

Street Eye Cup Of Harmony
Where On Earth Did We Go Wrong?

With two rounds remaining of the qualifying, Cockbill Street could theoretically be eliminated, and not only that - they could be eliminated by rival nation Nonesuch Street. After travelling to Commerce Heights yesterday, the bigger Streetians had to be contented with a 1-1 draw, despite dominance on the pitch.

After the last poor run, g'irgah Andrews had made major changes to the team, dropping Phil McLavish for 22-year-old Irene Miller, but Miller struggled today at right wing. Her runs were poorly timed, and she left a lot of defensive clean-up work for Orson Kent - which led to the 1-0 goal for the Capitalizts, a cross coming in from their left wing, Olivine lost a rare duel in the box, and they were 0-1 down after 18 minutes. Miller, however, was kept on the pitch till half-time, when she was brought off and McLavish given another go. Along with the entry of Hugo Ramirez, that slowly turned the game around, and in the second half the Streetians dominated. They got their reward as well, Rhianna Peters scoring her seventh goal of the qualifying campaign as the Streetians escaped with a vital point, especially after the failures against Oliverry and Kylaai.

However, next week's match against Nonesuch Street will be absolutely crucial. Nonesuch Street have been prolific scorers, only outscored by Starblaydia, Turori, Bedistan and Sarzonia so far in the championship, but their twelve conceded goals have left them in fourth place. Striker J.C. MacSwell is leading their tally, with nine goals, although their defence is lacking, as their one central defender Shrewdinger is getting precious little support. Nonesuch Street claim that they're playing the "real" football, and that Cockbill Street's is damaged by Rejistanian influences, but this is vehemently denied by Christine Andrews, who argued that potency in front of goal is what has separated the two sides so far. Nevertheless, Cockbill Street hope to repeat the performance that saw them win 4-0 in Time Dilation City.

COMMERCE HEIGHTS 1 (??? 18)
COCKBILL STREET 1 (Peters 79)

Street: Peterson 6 - Kent 5, Phyllosilicate 5, Olivine 4, Gold-telluride 6 - Miller 4 (McLavish on 45 7), Sodalite 5, Robertson 5 (Succinite on 67) - Swytherton 6 - Chitterling 5 (Ramirez on 50 6), Peters 6

QUALIFYING WATCH
Two Rounds Left...

Group 1 is already decided, it seems. Spruitland's five 0-0 draws and nine draws overall have left them languishing in fourth place in the table, nine points behind Crystilakere, while Starblaydia and Nova Britannicus top the group and are qualified. Spruitland is probably the only one from the group who will go to the Cup of Harmony.

Group 2 Turori are unbeaten in twenty-seven successive World Cup games, including the loss on penalty kicks in World Cup 22's quarter-final, and their record of 10-2-0 is the second best in the qualifying so far. They are through, naturally. EL CID THE HERO are second, facing Wella on matchday 13, a Wella side who need a victory, and round up with Harlesburg at home - a Harlesburg side that are currently third in their group. A draw against Wella or a win over Harlesburg will be good enough for the HERO, while Wella need victories over EL CID THE HERO and Haperd. Harlesburg have arguably the easiest task - Riegab away first - but a win there might not be enough on its own.

Group 3 Still wide open - couldn't be more open if you forced it with a blunt instrument. Vilita are on top, three points ahead of Svecia, and are in all non-theoretical events qualified. A draw with The Weegies or Kericia will eliminate all doubts. Svecia are second, crucially placed, as they travel to Gaian Ascendancy - who have been disappointing this year, lying fourth in the table. They have their fate in their own hands, however, with home games against Svecia and The Weegies - who are three points ahead.

Group 4 Tadjikistan, Bedistan and Five Civilized Nations are alrady qualified, a pleasant surprise coming from the Bipedal Apes, who lie fifth in the table. However, they're twelve points off a qualifying spot.

Group 5 Audioslavia and Liverpool England, as usual, have secured their spots without too much worry. Liamist States and Spurland fight over the last spot, and they face each other on the last matchday. For that to be decisive, however, Spurland need to beat Liverpool England, or Liamist States must lose to Audioslavia.

Group 6 Squornshelous just qualified, Krytenia have to wait, although a win over Fmjphoenix would do it. Fmjphoenix have been disappointing, losing four games, and have a tricky run-in with Krytenia and Kipto-Mare. The Caprine States have surprised everyone, and are fourth, but need victories over Milchama (who?) and Krytenia to qualify - and even then they need help from other teams.

Group 7 Commerce Heights qualified on matchday 11 with a 2-0 win over the Proletarian Pandas. Cockbill Street, Kylaai and Nonesuch Street fight over the last two spots, the other teams being woefully out of it. With the two Streets facing each other at the National, they'll be hoping for Kylaai to lose against Commerce Heights, which could mean that the game between Kylaai and Nonesuch Street would be a direct play-off.

Group 8 Oaker and Lovisa have qualified, Lethislavania are as good as through, requiring only a point in their games with Lovisa and Bettia. Nedalia, Bettia and Vtorbetin are surely names we will see later.

Group 9 Possibly the biggest shock of World Cup 23, Druida being near to elimination. They need an away victory against Raptor Claw, and they'll have to hope that Sarzonia do their job and beat Chicanada, who have quietly worked their way into third place, five points ahead of the Druidans. Raptor Claw, amazingly, are second, and only need a point to qualify - facing Druida and Chicanada, both at home, in the last two games. Chicanada could qualify with a win, but have tricky opponents left.

Group 10 One Red Dot are virtually qualified, needing only a point in the last two games - against Jeruselem and Hockey Canada. Total n Utter Insanity face Spaam - a classic battle - and Kassyyk in the last two games, Spaam needing a victory to keep their very theoretical hopes alive. Meanwhile, the Hockey Canadians could go through, as they are fourth - if Jeruselem lose any of their final two games and Hockey Canada win both, against Spolotikopia and One Red Dot, they're through to the World Cup proper.

The Enlightener: 4th July 2005 - todays stars: bollocks as usual

Cup of Harmony, Here We Come!!!

A weekend which has seen one draw, one win and one defeat has left our beloved Aroras needing a mathematical miracle to clinch that coveted third place spot in Group 8.

It all seemed to be going so well after Bettia gained a valuable 1-1 draw with Lovisa. The ever impressive Judson York fired in a 21st minute screamer to put the home side in front only for Lovisa to square thing up 7 minutes from time.

Next to come to our fair shores were group minnows Englerica, who were lovingly dispatched 1-0, courtesy of a scrambled goal from Chris Hutton. As the scoreline suggests, this was not the emphatic performance that many in the crowd were expecting, including the contingent of Nedalians who made the short journey across the border to Akani Sands to cheer our boys on. In a reciprical move, the FAB has purchased tickets for Nedalia's game at Lovisa and declared that anyone who can't make it to our final game could go to that one instead - the FAB are even paying for the flights!

Of course, it's results like this that has summed up Bettia's fundamental problem - they should be thrashing lower rate opposition like this, especially at home. However, with other results seemingly going our way, the Aroras found themselves just three points off the pace and in with shout of travelling to Rejistania and Eauz.

Unfortunately, it was that aforementioned problem which has seen Bettia's chances of qualification well and truly scuppered, as they slumped to a frankly pathetic 1-0 defeat away to Vtorbetin. Bettia now find themselves in fifth place, six points behind Lethislavania. Thanks to Lethislavania's much superior goal difference, hopes of qualifying for the World Cup finals is all but a pipedream.

Bettia now travel to runaway leaders Oaker playing for nowt but pride, before hosting Lethislavania at Sukatra's Al-Fath Stadium where they hope to end this World Cup campaign on a high note.

1 Nil a popular score
Harlesburg 1 Artoonia 0

for the second consecutive match against little know Artoonia, Harlesburg has squeezed out a one-nil victory.
Harlesburg expecting the win after a stunning yet slightly stagnating campaign in recent matches had to work hard for 83 minutes before the nectare of the gods was granted.

The previous victory was one nil to Harlesburg and this was another tight affair with little seperating bot teams in possesion shots on goal shots on target corner kicks time in opposition half and even the number of offside calls.

Harlesburg who knew the importance of the match and the vital 3 points associated with it tried to pull out all the stops early on but a resolute Artoonia defence halted all Harlesburg gains at the final hurdle.
Harlesburg's first great oppurtunity to score came belatedly in the 15th minute when off a long ball Lerrick Jones ran onto it slipped past a defender on the inside before shooting wide.

Artoonia kept in the game for as long as they could and really pushed Harlesburg at every oppurtunity and when Harlesburg made a break, on their next turn of possesion they followed suite.
Artoonia came back though in the 18th minute when sloppy defending on the right allowed Artoonia to penetrate deep into Harlesburg territory but the oppurtunity was eventually wasted when they lost the ball in a close melle in the far left corner of the field.

Artoonia's first real chance coming in the 23rd minute was a beauty leaving two Harlesburg defenders stunned as Artoonia sent Harlesburg reeling from some poor marking up at the throw in allowing a tidy back kick to put the Artoonian Striker in open space but close to the touch line and his shot at goal was to come to nothing as the tight angle between hiself and the deadball line meant the shot thudded into the side of the netting.

Harlesburg evetually scored the unknown then but decisive decider in the 83rd minute off a oppurtunistic shot from Hassim Salad from around 22 yards out not much could be said about it as he kicked hard followed through and let the ball do the talking as it crashed into the back of the net to take Harlesburg ahead 1-0 and thats where it would stay.

Harlesburg's next match is against Riegab who they bet 3-0 in the first leg and are looking to repeat at Timbo Arena in front of 56,000 Wild Fans the majority Harlesburgians as 12,000 seats were put up for offer to the Riegab Football Association but little interest was shown another 5,000 seats were allocated back to Harlesburg.

Olsen Olsen had a strong game in the net handling himself well but the defence on the other hand was more like a collender the way it leaked but it could not be compared to a sivve.

Group Two Review
Artoonia are on their way packing after a disapointing campaign with Riegab set to join them and a well performing Pedriana team are set to return home also to miss the cut will be AHperd who showed glimpses of brilliance.
However both Harlesburg and Wella have a chance to claim 3rd spot in the pool Harlesburg 1 competition point ahed and with Riegab and EL CID THE HERO to come they very well may claim it.

Harlesburg bet EL CID THE HERO in the first leg and with Wella to play El CID THE HERO and Haperd both competitive matches with Wella beating Haperd 1 nil and going down to EL CID THE HERO 1-nil it looks close.
EL CID THE HERO look set to hold 2nd spot but if they lose thier next two matches by a considerable amount they will almost definatly finish 3rd at the best or at worst be on their bike.

Turori are the only undefeated team in pool 2 and they have beaten off all challengers succesfully and have only drawn two matches one against Wella and the other against EL CID THE HERO both of which were in the second leg this could be a sign of disorginisation and the wheels falling off or simply the team pacing itself for the next round.

Harlesburg Scorers
Hassim Salad 83rd minute

MD8: 0 Harlesburg vs Haperd 0
MD9:1 Harlesburg vs Pedriana 0
MD10:0 Harlesburg vs Turori 3
MD11:2 Wella vs Harlesburg 2
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg
MD13:Harlesburg vs Riegab
MD14:Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO

Today’s headlines…

Dressel Double, Eaks Scores From Corner
Marmadukes Triumph Over Euroslavs
Liam & Co Media

!3! - 1
Run Of Threes Continues As Eaks Scores Third Goal
Liamist States Times

Two Games Left
Audioslavia And Spurland Between Marmadukes And Final
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Marmaduke Draw & Spurland Loss Will Secure Finals Berth
That Outcome Is Possible
Soccer Monthly

Bell Claims Lee Branson "Overrated"
Captain Attacks Audioslavia
Will The Mind Games Work?
CDL Courier

Jeruselem Government News

Four draws and wedding

World Cup XXXIII Match Day XII. Today no one got no points but no one won or lost either. Yes, ALL games were drawn so the group status is rather unchanged. No we are not joking, but as for the wedding ...

Hockey Canada should have trashed Antarcticanada but the rookies earned a hard earned draw with 4th placed Canadians. Not a game the Canadians want to remember as they really should have won well but didn't. 1 ALL as usual.

Spaam took on last placed Kassyyk in game which they also should have won. Instead Kassyyk got their 3rd draw and Spaam wasted a chance to catch up on Jeruselem and Hockey Canada.

The game - One Red Dot vs TnUI. The big one - clash of the titans! And they churned out a NIL ALL draw. No one really dominated or had the run of the game with few scoring shots, let alone good ones. Still a let down, we wanted some goals.

To complete the miserable draw feasts, Spolotikopia who aren't all they bad. 6th place with -3 goal difference, 2 wins and 5 DRAWS now. Jeruselem was unable to take advantage of this opportunity against Spolotikopia with another NIL ALL draw.

Group 10:
Antarcticanada 1 Hockey Canada 1
Kassyyk 1 Spaam 1
One Red Dot 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0
Spolotikopia 0 Jeruselem 0


Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 26 7 5 0 16:2 14
2. Total n Utter Insanity 24 6 6 0 13:2 11
3. Jeruselem 21 6 3 3 11:5 6
4. Hockey Canada 20 6 2 4 10:8 2
5. Spaam 17 4 5 3 10:7 3
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 5 8:11 -3
7. Antarcticanada 6 1 3 8 4:17 -13
8. Kassyyk 3 0 3 9 4:24 -20

thsd:NEWS

One Short

AFTER twenty-three games unbeaten, the Caleys were finally defeated in a ding-dong battle at Oxley Park. The victory for Squornshelous also saw them become the first team to qualify from Group Six, leaving Krytenia second.

The game started at a furious pace, both sides attempting to get the upper hand later on. A couple of Squornshelan attacks were well defended by Goodley and Lovitz, while Hassan Isserson cracked off the first meaningful shot of the game, whipping the ball wide of Andropov's goal.

Meanwhile, in the centre of the pitch, the Krytenian flat four were having trouble with the Pschychoes' effective diamond formation. However, neither Guerrero nor Skritsch could get past Barcali, despite his tendency to advance a little prematurely, having a narrow escape tipping over a particularly tricky Popov strike. The game had all the makings of the hugely exciting nil-nil these sides had carved out in Vogsphere. Then Squornshelous scored. Once again Barcali rushed out, once again Popov tried the lob. Barcali was nowhere. The ball lolloped off the bar, Guerrero with the simplest of headers into the open goal.

Krytenia regrouped and pushed again, bearing fruit just seven minutes later, and Andy Tay ball carving the defence open and leaving Neasden to beat his man and fire home from about twenty yards. The teams went into the break all square at one-all.

The second half started much as the first half did. Both sides attacked hard, and defended harder, Krytenia denied a credible penalty shout after Kevin Keda appeared to be bundled over by Ulanych - the referee was having none of it, going as far as booking Keda for the dive. Krytenia were further compounded as, after one particularly athletic save, Barcali failed to rise. He was stretchered off with what later turned out to be a torn hamstring, and will be out for the last two matches of the qualifiers. Todd Colfox came on for the last 25 minutes, but even he had no chance with the Squornshelan winner, such was the ferocity of Skritsch's shot that even he, at 6'4", couldn't reach it.

Next Up: THE CAFETIERE CUP DECIDER! Yes, it's Matchday Thirteen, and if Krytenia can protect their one-nil first leg lead, the Golden Cafetiere is theirs. A victory on the day will also assure qualification, and lead to a nervous last matchday for the Vikings as they try and hold off the improving Caprine States for third.

KRYTENIA - 1
Neasden 36

SQUORNSHELOUS - 0
Guerrero 29
Skritsch 71

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States D 0-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama D 0-0
MD9: H v Garinas W 3-0 (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare W 2-1
MD11: H v Buben W 2-0 (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous L 1-2 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine States

Hockey Canadians 1 point behind with time running out

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 26 7 5 0 16:2 14
2. Total n Utter Insanity 24 6 6 0 13:2 11
3. Jeruselem 21 6 3 3 11:5 6
4. Hockey Canada 20 6 2 4 10:8 2
5. Spaam 17 4 5 3 10:7 3
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 5 8:11 -3
7. Antarcticanada 6 1 3 8 4:17 -13
8. Kassyyk 3 0 3 9 4:24 -20

Group 10:
Antarcticanada 1 Hockey Canada 1
Kassyyk 1 Spaam 1
One Red Dot 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0
Spolotikopia 0 Jeruselem 0

We have some explaining to do.

Recent games have not been much of a success for Hockey Canada. The loss 2-1 to Jeruselem didn't help the Hockey Canadians very much. The rookies are all mathimatically eliminated and One Red Dot has sealed off a qualification in the World Cup with TnUI looking in pretty good position to get the second spot leaving none other than Jeruselem and Hockey Canada in a last-minute fight for 3rd with Spaam coming up the standings fast but silently.

The games were long, hard, and when in Hockey Canada- often very cold. But a breif overview should give you everything you need to know about Hockey Canada's road to this part in the World Cup Qualifying.

Matchday 1
Spaam 0 Hockey Canada 1

Hockey Canada opened the World Cup Qualification Round with a surprising win over Spaam kicking off what would be a tight race for the top 5 in group 10.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Jeruselem 3 1 0 0 2:0 2
2. One Red Dot 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Total n Utter Insanity 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Hockey Canada 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
5. Spaam 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Spolotikopia 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Antarcticanada 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 1 0:2 -2

Matchday 2
Kassyyk 0 Hockey Canada 2

After the surprise win over Spaam, Hockey canada found themselves playing against rookie team Kassyyk, who lost to Jeruselem on opening day. This would help kick off what would end up as Kassyyk's campaign as the bottom-feeder in Group 10.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
Hockey Canada 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
3. Total n Utter Insanity 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
4. Jeruselem 3 1 0 1 2:1 1
5. Spaam 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
6. Spolotikopia 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 2 0:4 -4

Matchday 3
Total n Utter Insanity 2 Hockey Canada 0

Caught up in memories of losses from last year's qualifying round, Hockey canada gave up 2 late goals to lose to TnUI. The loss didn't seem too intimidating to the Hockey Canadians. We knew we wouldn't go all tournement without a loss.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Total n Utter Insanity 9 3 0 0 4:0 4
2. One Red Dot 7 2 1 0 3:0 3
3. Jeruselem 6 2 0 1 3:1 2
4. Hockey Canada 6 2 0 1 3:2 1
5. Spaam 4 1 1 1 1:1 0
6. Spolotikopia 3 1 0 2 2:3 -1
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 3 0:4 -4
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 3 1:6 -5

Matchday 4
Hockey Canada 0 Jeruselem 2

Things seemed to get forse for the Hockey Canadians when they lost their second straight game to Jeruselem 2-0. Shoddy playing by the Hockey Canadians ended up coming back to bite them in the behind 2 goals later. This wouldn't help Hockey Canada's struggle with Jeruselem to qualify.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Total n Utter Insanity 12 4 0 0 5:0 5
2. One Red Dot 10 3 1 0 7:0 7
3. Jeruselem 9 3 0 1 5:1 4
4. Spaam 7 2 1 1 4:1 3
5. Hockey Canada 6 2 0 2 3:4 -1
6. Spolotikopia 3 1 0 3 2:4 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 4 0:7 -7
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 4 1:10 -9

Matchday 5
Hockey Canada 1 Antarcticanada 0

Things got back to the way they were when Hockey Canada beat polar, round-the-world rivals Antarcticanada to get back into their winning ways. The win and everyone elses' draw helped Hockey Canada jump into 4th place ahead of Spaam but behind Jeruselem.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Total n Utter Insanity 13 4 1 0 6:1 5
2. One Red Dot 11 3 2 0 8:1 7
3. Jeruselem 10 3 1 1 5:1 4
4. Hockey Canada 9 3 0 2 4:4 0
5. Spaam 8 2 2 1 5:2 3
6. Spolotikopia 4 1 1 3 2:4 -2
7. Kassyyk 1 0 1 4 2:11 -9
8. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 5 0:8 -8

Matchday 6
Spolotikopia 0 Hockey Canada 1

All looked right for Hockey Canada when they narrowly beat Spolotikopia- a team which name is incredibly hard to spell, let alone pronounce. In breif, the Canucks came, they saw, they won, they ate, they partied a little, they met the local women, scene missing, scene missing, the long flight home with some local stowaways.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 14 4 2 0 9:1 8
2. Total n Utter Insanity 14 4 2 0 6:1 5
3. Hockey Canada 12 4 0 2 5:4 1
4. Jeruselem 10 3 1 2 5:2 3
5. Spaam 9 2 3 1 5:2 3
6. Spolotikopia 4 1 1 4 2:5 -3
7. Antarcticanada 3 1 0 5 2:9 -7
8. Kassyyk 1 0 1 5 3:13 -10

Matchday 7
One Red Dot 1 Hockey Canada 0

One Red has proven themselves to be One Big Pain in the ass. Their winning ways overshadowed by their resistance to report on their constant winnings. Hockey Canada struggled to try and keep the game a tie until late in the game, when One Red Dot scored on the heavily karelan team.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 17 5 2 0 10:1 9
2. Total n Utter Insanity 15 4 3 0 6:1 5
3. Spaam 12 3 3 1 6:2 4
4. Hockey Canada 12 4 0 3 5:5 0
5. Jeruselem 10 3 1 3 5:3 2
6. Spolotikopia 5 1 2 4 3:6 -3
7. Antarcticanada 4 1 1 5 3:10 -7
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 5 3:13 -10

Matchday 8
Hockey Canada 1 Spaam 0

Spaam wanted sweet revenge for what had happened to them on the opening game of the World Cup Qualifying, but it was the last thing on their minds during the game. Frequent fouling by Spaam made it look more like an American Football game for most viewers. Spaam walked away with a 0 on the scoreboard and a 0 with points gained.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 18 5 3 0 11:2 9
2. Total n Utter Insanity 18 5 3 0 9:1 8
3. Hockey Canada 15 5 0 3 6:5 1
4. Jeruselem 13 4 1 3 7:3 4
5. Spaam 12 3 3 2 6:3 3
6. Spolotikopia 6 1 3 4 4:7 -3
7. Antarcticanada 4 1 1 6 3:13 -10
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 6 3:15 -12

Matchday 9
Hockey Canada 2 Kassyyk 0

It looked like there was a possibility of qualifying for the Hockey Canadians when they faced off against Kassyyk for the second time around. Kassyyk played long and hard but just couldn't put the ball behind keeper Kyle Thomas who was playing outstanding in the tournement. Hockey canada scored 2 to help their goal differential and their points.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 19 5 4 0 11:2 9
2. Total n Utter Insanity 19 5 4 0 10:2 8
3. Hockey Canada 18 6 0 3 8:5 3
4. Jeruselem 14 4 2 3 8:4 4
5. Spaam 13 3 4 2 7:4 3
6. Spolotikopia 7 1 4 4 5:8 -3
7. Antarcticanada 5 1 2 6 3:13 -10
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 7 3:17 -14

Matchday 10
Hockey Canada 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0

Surprising many, even the Hockey Canadians to find that the game ended with the beauty of karela. The constant donuts on the scoreboard made fans hungry causing a massive riot in the search for donuts. Either way you put it- tying with Total n Utter Insanity is way better than losing to them.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 22 6 4 0 13:2 11
2. Total n Utter Insanity 20 5 5 0 10:2 8
3. Hockey Canada 19 6 1 3 8:5 3
4. Jeruselem 17 5 2 3 9:4 5
5. Spaam 13 3 4 3 7:6 1
6. Spolotikopia 10 2 4 4 8:8 0
7. Antarcticanada 5 1 2 7 3:14 -11
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 8 3:20 -17

Matchday 11
Jeruselem 2 Hockey Canada 1

Hockey Canada didn't help their cause playing against Jeruselem for the second time. But it really didn't help the Hockey canadian cause when they left the field a goal down and a point down fron Jeruselem. Things started to look rough for the Hockey canadians coming down the stretch of the last 3 games.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 25 7 4 0 16:2 14
2. Total n Utter Insanity 23 6 5 0 13:2 11
3. Jeruselem 20 6 2 3 11:5 6
4. Hockey Canada 19 6 1 4 9:7 2
5. Spaam 16 4 4 3 9:6 3
6. Spolotikopia 10 2 4 5 8:11 -3
7. Antarcticanada 5 1 2 8 3:16 -13
8. Kassyyk 2 0 2 9 3:23 -20

Matchday 12
Antarcticanada 1 Hockey Canada 1

Draws all around in Group 10, but what really didn't help Hockey Canada was tying Antarcticanada. The polar rookies took on the polar Canucks in a battle that saw a controversial goal for Antarcticanada in the 88th minute. Jeruselem's draw with rookie Spolotikopia helped somewhat, but it wasn't enough for Hockey Canada to jump into a qualifying position.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 26 7 5 0 16:2 14
2. Total n Utter Insanity 24 6 6 0 13:2 11
3. Jeruselem 21 6 3 3 11:5 6
4. Hockey Canada 20 6 2 4 10:8 2
5. Spaam 17 4 5 3 10:7 3
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 5 8:11 -3
7. Antarcticanada 6 1 3 8 4:17 -13
8. Kassyyk 3 0 3 9 4:24 -20

Now with games against Spolotikopia and One Red Dot, Hockey Canadians pray for a win and Jeruselem losses.

Fan Report: Crystilakere qualify for world cup 23

Despite a less than impressive performance in qualifying, Crystilakere still managed to secure their spot in World Cup 23 with two games left to play. Head coach Hazem Emam will have much work to do to prepare his team for the finals after dissapointing results against weaker teams from Starblaydia, Spruitland and Nova Britannicus.

Fan Quotes on Starblaydia

"I thought we had them after winning at home. We were sitting nice in first place and it looked to be all set in stone. We'll just have to get them back in the finals."

"It was all that greek guys fault, I swear. Mitrofanis or whatever they called him. He had it in with the refs the whole game. In a fair match we'd have those purple stealers in a landslide."

"They don't deserve to top the group, but they are. Only the best team deserves to be top so we'll have to do something about that real soon."

Fan Quotes on Nova Britannicus

"I don't have a clue how they've gotten ahead of us but they won't stay there long. Damn northerners."

"They got a bit lucky to take three points from us and I'm sure they were delighted. They can have their fun now but we all know they'll be no more than a pushover come the important matches."

Fan Quotes on Spruitland

"I don't know what they did to keep us from scoring but apparently it worked. Perhaps we should look at a new forward trio."

"We need a new coach is what it is. What kind of tactics does this man thinks he's running a sunday league team? If you can't get your team motivated to score a few goals against a team of this calibre then you don't deserver to be here."

The Daily Druid

DOWN AND OUT
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Druida 0 Sarzonia 3

I don't know what it is about this Druids team, but something has gone badly wrong this qualifying campaign. All the conspiracies, all the bad luck, all of it seems to have gone the rainbows' way.

Now this. Beaten 3-0 at home by the World Cup holders. Not entirely unexpected considering both sides' recent form, but still. There was once a day when Druida teams would come up against the best in hte World and put up a fight. But not any more.

It seemed as if Druida had been sapped of all their confidence somehow. Refereeing controversies, mass alcoholism, pure bad luck, the Druids have had to put up with far more than in a usual cup. And it told, as they slumped at home.

As Druida's fans have started to sober up, it is starting to appear that some of them actually care about the team. While there wasn't much shouting the team on (it seems that the fans confidence has been sapped too), at the final whistle, there were tears amongst the 120,000 home fans in The Hole, as they realised that their side probably weren't going to make it to Rejistania and Eauz, barring a miracle.

Though some see it as a blessing in disguise. I mean, are Rejistania and Eauz really the kinds of places a Druid would want to go to? A karelan dictatorship and a communist paradise? Wouldn't you rather have a little tournament here in Druida? That'd be fun. Plus, this time, there won't be billions of Vilitans descending upon various cities across the country. Yes, you've guessed it, Druida are not only looking to host World Cup 24, but also the Cup of Harmony for World Cup 23!

The World Cup won't know what it's missing! And probably won't particularly care...


SPRUITS WIN SPOON
By Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po

Following a distinct lack of nil-nil draws by the teams towards the top of our 0-0 table, Spruitland have been confirmed as the inaugural winners of the Daily Druid's Karela Wooden Spoon, with seven goalless encounters in the bag already, and still two matchdays still to go! We would like to congratulate the rabbits on their achievement, following on from their Baptism of Fire win prior to this qualifying campaign.

- - - - - - - - - -

Trevor Turner: "How is our scheme going?"

Drew, the formerly unnamed helper: "What do you mean, how is it going? I've been in hospital for the last month after being poisoned from drinking varnish."

Trevor Turner: "And what did you do that for?"

Drew: "Well, if you drink ChemindusVarnish, the powers af a va'karela are completely annulled."

Trevor Turner: "But you end up in hospital."

Drew: "Indeed. Where I've had time to think. I don't think I particularly need you. You see, President Smith has been holding me back for too long! Who needs the NEWI Cefn Druids to save us when we can save ourselves. All I need to do is humiliate the President, and he'll have to resign, leaving me as the number one candidate! Not you! You're just a bunch of lunatics from outer space! Bye!"

- - - - - - - - - -

Drew: "Is that Trevor Chem, head of the ChemindusCorporation??"

Chem: "Speaking."

Drew: "Ah, hello. I am from the Druidan Presidential Office, I would ask you something. You know you produce ChemindusVarnish? Well, we've discovered it to have a medical effect on hte body that protects the brain from the power of a va'karela. Only we don't know what it is in it that makes it happen."

Chem: "Oh."

Drew: "I was just wondering if your scientists could take a look at it and see what it is that causes such a thing to happen."

Chem: "Well, uh, sure. One question - what shade was it?"

Drew: "Puce."

Chem: "Right then! We'll be straight onto the case!"

Time for an update
Qualification tickets gone, here's how the Tigers finally got theirs

Below you can see group 4, as it currently stands, led by Tadjikistan with 31 points. behind them, the Bedistani Lions at 4 points from the Tigers and in third position Five civilized nations with 25 points. Then follows a large gap of 12 points, that seperates the qualifiers from the eliminated. The big dissapointment in Group 4 is Finrods at a, for them, bad 7th position with only 8 points from twelve matches while the prize of revelation of the group will probably go to Oglethorpia or Bipedal Apes, to be decided in the last two matches.

Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 31 10 1 1 24:3 21
2. Bedistan 27 8 3 1 25:5 20
3. Five Civilized Nations 25 7 4 1 21:9 12
4. Oglethorpia 13 4 1 7 11:16 -5
5. Bipedal Apes 13 3 4 5 11:18 -7
6. Tichang 9 2 3 7 7:20 -13
7. Finrods 8 2 2 8 3:15 -12
8. Villarica 8 2 2 8 9:25 -16


1.Visiting the elves

The Tigers packed their stuff and travelled to Finrods where they'd play their tenth match as leaders. But the players werent all too confident in this one. Finrods had until now failed to break potts in this group, while their ranking places them fourth. Surdeyev expected believed they would throw everything they had at the Tigers, especially since this was their last chance on qualification.
But the Tigers got away with 3 points. Finrods put up quite a fight and at times seemed able to press through and score. But an alert Tadjik defense stopped them, recuperated the shots and launched their own strikers at the Finrodian side. In one of those attacks in the 78th minute Tadjik defender Khudyakov broke through the Finrodian defensive line and scored the only goal of the match. 15 points between them and Five Civilized Nations means; Game over Finrods.

2. Breaking away

For the common Tadjik supporter this was a not so special match, against an opponent Tadjikistan should beat without problems, A match like so many others. For the Tadjik Tigers however it was more than that. But they didnt know it until it was over.

The Tigers played in their normal 3-4-3 formation, in their own stadium in Dushanbe, with their victory over Finrods they were free of the little devil that haunted Surdeyev and kept the team hostage with him. Surdeyev was more open in his tactics and allowed his strikers to move out as they pleased. A very old tactic that usually requires a good organizer on the midfield like Pliiev, or in this case Alexander Zaev. Although he is 37, with Regar-TadAZ Tursunzade he plays at the top of the Tadjik league and has years of experience at his side. On his own he sent the strikers forward and fed them with many passes. Tanai was the first to profit from Zaevs work, outmaneuvring Wilson and Jones he struck the left pole from the far right flank with a powerful shot and saw it roll into the Villarican box.

At the beginning of the second half Villarica appeared to have boosted its morale, probablty through peptalk from their coach, noone knows. The Tigers just experienced their will to prove something when Lawrence Winters fired a first shot at the Tadjik box, stopped by Vorozheikins fists, in the rebound Erikksonn kicked the ball over the goal.
Surdeyev wanted to go defensive but he was convinced not to by his assistent Igor Pliiev, fortunatly for the Tadjiks, it was good advice. Zaev sent Bayerenov forward and saw the young striker who recently signed a contract with a Krytenian club beat the Villarican goalkeeper with a shot under his legs.

Villarica, now realizing they could not win this one, tried to defend what they could, but to no avail. In the last ten minutes Zarakovsky, another veteran took advantage of an opening in the Villarican defense and drove his shot past a lone Villarican goalkeeper. Two minutes before the last signal, Zaev completed what was a perfect match for him with a goal, made in the chaos after a failed penalty kick from Shtemenko. Villarica dropped out of the race in what had already become a mission impossible for them.
But the best news came right after the match when a reporter told the Tigers that Bedistan tied to Tichang in a scoreless draw at home. There were now four points between them and the Bedistani Lions, their first place remained safe, for now.

3. The big clash

Tadjikistan, Bedistan and Five civilized Nations are all qualified, the only part of the story that could change now is the top three and for Bedistan, their bad performance in their three last matches against the Tadjik Tigers.
The Tigers were lucky here, with a safe distance between them and the Lions in the group even a loss wouldnt change the situation. and with that in the back of their head they welcomed their opponents in Dushanbe.

Both sides took it easy in the first minutes, the Tadjiks waited a bit to see what the Lions would do. The Bedistani Lions didnt attack, maybe they wanted to keep it at a safe draw. It seemed unreal to Surdeyev who said 'What are they waiting for? why dont they attack? What do they have to lose, they're already qualified' But since the Lions didnt, The Tigers had to take the initiative. The Tadjik midfield played wide and made long passes, until Zaev saw his moment and moved forward. Zaev is a bit lacking in speed but he makes up for that with experience and technical superiority, once passed Ryan Talbot and Gina Zamboni he got stuck made a last pass to Bayerenov who followed him. Zaevs pass came really quick and Bayerenov kicked as hard as he could and surprised Pratt, who saw the shot go past him before he could reach it.

And maybe that was the wake up call that the Lions needed, now much more agressive the Lions threatened the Tadjik box, first with a shot from Vantrease that went wide over, then Orr found Vorozheikin on his way. And bumped so hard into him that he got injured and had to be replaced by Haritonov. Maybe they did that deliberatly, a couple minutes later Orr defeated that same Haritonov and equalized for the Lions. After the conspiracy theories about the incident, fans said Rastorguev should have been in the goal. In the meantime The Tigers made a last attempt to keep send the Lions home with loss but Tanai's shot was caught by Pratt.
So at the end the Bedistani's got rid of the Tadjik curse, but besides that, nothing changed in the group. The Bedistani Lions have two matches left to take first position while the Tigers get the opportunity to take revenge on Five Civilized Nations for a 1-0 loss in the away match. They'll probably play without Vorozheikin, who, for this match is replaced by Rastorguev.

Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods W 1-0
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia W 1-0
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes W 3-0
MD10:Finrods - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica W 4-0
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan D 1-1
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

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** BREAKING NEWS**

Turorian FA in Shock Political Move

-----------------In what could be the biggest announcement in Turorian history, today in the football-crazed tourist destination of Cednia Beach, Turori at the Cednia Beach Centre, home of Turori's domestic pride and joy Cednia Beach AFC, the Football Association made the announcement which silenced the crowd, with many onlookers requiring medical attention after losing consciousness. A Turori National reporter managed to record the announcement and get it posted immediately on the Turori National website.



"Thank You all for coming today. 10 World Cups ago, we stood just accross the Island in our great capital of Almintora, and announced that we had reached an agreement with our colonial caretakers, the Tropics of Vilita, to allow our sporting community to be represented in the Football/Soccer World Cup, as a colonial entrant under the wings of Vilita. We were all priveleged at the honor, as we all know the vast outreachings of the Empire of Vilita, which include other sport glorified nations such as Marligantis and The Lost Continent of Atlantis, now governed by the great Vilitan Empire. Throughout these years riding under the wings of the Tropics of Vilita, our tiny Island Emirate has proved themselves to be competitive with the best teams in all the world.

In our brief but certainly productive history, We have earned honors under the wings of Vilita as the champions of the Baptism of Fire Cup, and the Eagles Cup. After being one of the top peforming new teams in the history of the cup, missing out on the finals simply by an inferior goal differential and posting one of the longest unbeaten runs of modern time as a first time Internationstal Entrant, our Eels secured their place in the World Cup Finals and have never looked back, consistently advancing to the knockout stage and becoming one of the top 5 teams in the entire Nationstates world, just behind Empirial Rulers, The Tropics of Vilita.

It is now, for the last time, that The Island Emirate of Turori will advance to the World Cup Finals sharing the spotlight with the Tropics of Vilita. After a long series of discussions with our Empirial Rulers, we have come to the realization that Turori's place in the sporting world will never be safe having always to rely on the Vilitan Empire to accept us. The Vilitan Empire is too large a realm to expect one province to continually be chosen to represent the entire outlying Empire, without fear of revolt from the other nations under the Vilitan wing. It is for this reason that we must now end centuries of tradition, before turmoil were to come to our homeland. This is a result that was inevitable, and it be best be realized in peace than in war. The Island Emirate of Turori has achieved much to be proud of as the Vilitan 'Puppet' Entry into the World Cup, but the time has come. In agreement with the Vilitan Empire, The Island Emirate of Turori will from this day forth no longer be entered into the Nationstates World Cup Qualifying competition as a 'puppet' entry of the Tropics of Vilita."




--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

Stars warm up 'Fat Lady', 3-0

For the Sarzonian national football team, their motivation for playing the last few matches of World Cup XXIII qualifying is down to trying to get as many points as possible and maintaining momentum. They were facing a Druidan side that was playing with much more urgency, needing wins to advance to the World Cup XXIII finals.

The Stars (11-0-1, 34 points) made sure that didn't happen on their watch, getting two goals from red hot Barry Alphonso and a goal from midfielder Darwin Russell, routing a Druidan side that figured to be challenging for the top spot with the Stars, but has looked like a dispirited bunch.

"We can't worry about what's going on in the other team's locker room," Coach Dave Wilson said. "And our guys haven't been thinking about other people's problems. They've been focusing on their needs as football players."

With Turori playing to a draw, the Stars have now gained the top standings points total outright, having the edge on Turori on goal differential, which streched to plus-34 with the 3-0 win over Druida. Goalkeeper Horace Sandt made one save as the Druids played like a team that was drinking themselves under the table before kickoff.

"Have they been drinking water flavoured beer or something," Sandt asked. "Whatever. They didn't look like a team that was supposed to be right up there. I don't care. I'm here to win matches and I'm glad we've been able to do that so far." For the Stars, the significance of their win was reduced to damaging Druida's hopes of advancing to the World Cup.

"We helped the Fat Lady warm up a bit for Druida," said one player who asked not to be identified.

The Stars prepare to face Chicanada in what some prognosticators are calling the last major test before the World Cup Finals begin in Rejistania or Eauz, but forward Brian Wilson said the team isn't listening to prognosticators.

"They don't play the game," Brian Wilson said. "You don't win matches or championships on paper. You win 'em on the pitch."

Ashley Standard

National Side Wins, Almost In!
Could everything Come Down To A Different Game.

Yeo finally played a match convincingly, as the soon-to-be-shipped-to-the-Liamist States forward scored once and got the assist on another to give the Kodiaks a 2-0 victory in Tonissa and edge them closer to a Finals slot.

Surpringly, a clinch could occur tommorow regardless of how Chicanada plays at Sarzonia (an expected loss by everyone around the world, but a tie would do wonders). Chicanada is well clear of Hypocria at this point on GD and at 6 poins difference, but Druida is still in the hunt for the final slot with a five point gap after the Druidans dropped a 3-0 decision at home to Sarzonia. Next for them is the second place team from Raptors Claw, who the Chicanadan nation will be pulling for - a loss or tie by Druida would knock them out of the race and leave the Kodiaks to fend off Hypocria (who faces a chump game with Lucianic) in the final day of play.

Of course a tie or win by the Kodiaks in Sarzonia would end all this chatter and give Chicanada it's first ever slot. Provided Druida looses or ties, obviously.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia W 2:0
MD6: Sarzonia L 0:2
MD7: @ Raptor Claw T 0:0
MD8: @ Hypocria T 1:1
MD9: Lucianic W 2:0
MD10: Druida T 1:1
MD11: Kajiztahn W 2:0
MD12: @ Tonissia W 2:0
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: (yanking out piles of hair) We're almost in!

Florizen: Sir you have to keep some hair, we still have two games left against the leaders!

Quonesh: But...but we're so close! What if we loose both games?

Florizen: Then we hope Druida and Hypocria loose or tie their remaining games.

Quonesh: Sounds reasonable.

Florizen: But their schedule is much easier than ours...well, Druida still has Raptors Claw...

Quonesh: Who we tied.

Florizen: But Hypocria has two winnable games and Druida has one winnable and one game up in the air.We have one up in the air and Sarzonia.

Quonesh: Gawd damn it. Maybe we can get lucky in that one.

Florizen: we're gonna need it.

Angelos Steps Into Spotlight
Back-up keeper takes starting place

In the twelve matches played in qualifying so far, the most common sight in goal for Starblaydia has been Yeaddin Owls-based Angelos Prokopsis. Though loaned out at lesser Vilitan clubs throughout his career for the Owls, he is beginning to live up to his reputation as a top goalie, probably the best in with a Starblaydi passport in the world.

For those who saw his rise with Hecia in Liga Starblaydia, there was no doubt in why he was named Goalkeeper of the Year for Season One. A brief stopover at Starblaydi-magnet Lonngeylin City later and he was signed by Two-Time Champions' League winners Yeaddin, perhaps the greatest club side in the modern world. Twenty years ago Prokopsis, 27, would have earned a move to somewhere like Alan City of the Belmore Family, but today the VLeague is where the real action is.

Seven times out of twelve, compared to five for Gonzalez and and one for Joachim, Prokopsis has kept goal for Starblaydia. Starblaydia have only conceeded three goals in their twelve matches so far, and never more than one per match. Prokopsis and Gonzalez have played their part in this, but there is one young Starblaydi goalkeeper who has something to say about it: Corominas.

Best-known for being the only Starblaydi 'keeper to score for his country (two cruical goals in Under-21 World Cup Semi-Finals, no less), 'crazy' Corominas plays for Riandu Anum in the Rejistanian 1st Division, where he is often the most attack-minded player on the pitch. Corominas is certainly not happy about being 'demoted', as he sees it, to the AOCAF squad, despite the fact he is almost-certain of the starting #1 jersey.

"That World Cup place should be mine," Corominas told the Jhanna Chronicle, "I'm better than Angelos, Thaddeus, Joachim, any of them."

Better than Prokopsis? That is something that Starblaydi fans would like to see. Who will get the #1 jersey in four years time, though? Will Prokopsis still be the best in the land or will Corominas match words with deeds? Time, as per usual, will tell.

Time: 2:35
location: ECFA head office, lab

Doomhammer is in the science department trying to short out Kirby’s things. S.Sam is with him trying to untangle the vacuum.

DH: Well this room is sure full of a load of junk. Did Kirby ever organise anything?

SS: I don’t think he did. He’s the weirdest person. Could understand any amount of complex electronic but had difficulty tie his shoelaces.

DH: well. Since he’s not here anymore we may as well make a good go of it. Lets start by shorting out his PC.

Doomhammer walks to the PC and turns it on. A loading screen appears

(Later)

DH: god. Why did he have to get a Mac. It’s been over an hour.

SS: well at least, unlike XP it doesn’t crass every two minutes.

COMPUTER: page loaded. Please state the password.

DH: emmmm, cod and mash?

COMP: try again.

DH: N00bcannon.

COMP: Try again.

DH: can you give us a clue?

COMP: My last words.

SS: ONIG

DH:…?

SS: Kirby’s last words.

C: welcome. Would you like to play a game of chance?

SS: no.

C: would you like me to count to 93?

SS: NO!

C: would you like to Play “minesweeper”

DH: stuff this for a game of chess I’m…

C: game of chess. Select your colour.

DH: I’m out of here.

Doomhammer exits the lab. A few seconds later a new voice emits form the speakers.

Kirby: SID!!!!!!!

SS: K, K, Kirby?

K: yes Sid?

SS: Your alive. How are you alive?

K: I haven’t been alive for years. But I’m not quite dead yet.

SS: so were are you? I… what do you mean not dead.

K: well the short story is that, after developing technology during one breakfast morning 50 years ago, I prescribed my whole personality into this computer. 20 years ago I developed a method of creating a metal body for me to inhabit. And with constant assess to the internet I’m able to create the most advanced technology which allows………….. SORRY A SYSTEM EREOR HAS OCCURRED. WINDOWS MUST NOW SHUT DOWN.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Spruitland wins Wooden Spoon!

Despite failing to qualify for the Finals, Spruitland’s World Cup 23 Qualifying campaign can be called a marvelous success. The Wabbits’ strong defending and Simon Briers’ superb goalkeeping combined with a painstaking lack of scoring ability resulted in nine draws, of which seven were scoreless. This earns Spruitland The Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon.

After winning the Baptism of Fire, this is the Wabbits’ second major award in as many tournaments – though admittedly the term “major” is used loosely in this sentence. Nevertheless, this makes Spruitland supporters optimistic about the upcoming Cup of Harmony, convinced their team will surely snatch a third award. It may have to be another alternative award though, but with Druida hosting the CoH – which seems to be likely – another Wooden Spoon may be up for grabs for the Wabbits.

The Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon was received with great enthusiasm, not only by the people of Spruitland, but by the government as well. The unconfirmed rumor goes that this award not only saved Cor Bensen’s job as head coach, but an Honorary Rabbit (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Honorary_Rabbit) may be in store for him soon.

“We’re all delighted with Cor’s achievements,” Spruitland Minister of Sports Olav Nett says, “His Majesty included. Granted, it was touch and go for a while there. When you open your first World Cup Qualifying attempt with four scoreless draws, it’s normal that the SFA was on the lookout for a replacement coach. But it all worked out in the end. We just wish the Druidans would have announced the award a little sooner, that could have saved us some boos and taunts.”

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football

Group 4 sewn up, Bedistan makes it eighteen

DUSHANBE, Tadjikistan -- In what some are hailing as an absolute miracle, the Bedistan Lions failed to lose to Tadjikistan on matchday twelve. The match, held on June 1, Bedistan's independence day, saw record attendance for Bedistanis at an away match, packing the stadium in Dushanbe to the gills. The fans' fanatic patriotism worked wonders for the green-and-blue-clad players on the pitch, who put together one of the best performances seen by a Bedistani team in recent history. And credit must be given to the Tadjik Tigers as well: they may have won their last three games against us, but they still managed not to be overconfident and were themselves playing at their best.

Bayerenov opened the scoring for Tadjikistan with a fourteen-yard left-foot strike that caught Tom Pratt slightly off his guard to give the home team an expected one-nil lead. The one and only Alejandro Vantrease wasted no time in scoring the equalizer to send the teams into halftime at one a piece. The Tigers produced a massive second-half assault, but the massive Bedistani contingent continued to cheer their countrymen on, and while they weren't able to take the lead, they expertly defended every Tadjik shot in a grand display that preserved the one-one draw and at last broke Bedistan's losing streak against Tadjikistan.

finalscore
Tadjikistan 1 (Bayerenov 35)
Bedistan 1 (Vantrease 40)

groupwatch
And with that, all the Group 4 qualifying slots are etched in stone. Tadjikistan, Bedistan, and Five Civilized Nations will all be heading for Rejistania and/or Eauz to participate in the Twenty-third World Cup, Bedistan doing so for the eighteenth time in nineteen attempts. What is not decided, however, is the order in which these three nations will finish. Theoretically Tadjikistan could still finish third, though this is unlikely due to their significant goal difference advantage over 5CN, an advantage that has now even surpassed our own.

Tyka Idvil and Siki Rej checked the time-splitting formulae over and over. It took them 2 cans of chai to find out that there was one bug far earlier than they thought, at some part, Tyka Idvil slipped a constant and it did not matter because the je was exactly balancing it out. Exactly? Nearly exactly, there was a slight difference, it can lead to interferences even to creating a "mesitspace" between the two realities. That time, the interferences were not bad enough to have that negative effects some slight 'riva*-ing maybe as Tyka Idvil said. Siki Rej asked the decisive question: "and what if someone was 'riva-ed?" Tyka Idvil could not answer that.


* the term 'riva is not exactly translatable. It means to split or to fork, but here in a way, a Unix process does it: both resulting processes are nearly alike.

RP-cutoff, BTW

Unix bought Out


Vilitan Based 3wide Designs has spent an infinate amount of Totally Inflated Bullcrap to buy out Unix and all of it's Rejistanian suppliers, completely ridding the operating platform from all of Rejistania and hereby making all comments relative to the platform obsolete. It is believed that all the systems have been rounded up and parted out to weapons manufacturers, and the giant penguin will be burned at the stake in an isolated location in the Vilitan Cove.


More News To Follow...

Starblaydi Strikers Heat Up Stadia
Moving up to the place of 'Best in the World'?

There's always been much hype around Starblaydi strikers. If you remember Nikola "Laser" Lazerevski, you'll know what we mean. If you have any idea who Simeone Di Bradini, or Marco Del Blanco, or Eomer Hall were, you'll have a better idea of what we mean.

Starblaydia has always prided itself on having a star striker or two in every squad. Someone who can smash in from one or thirty yards, or anywhere in between. We don't always get exactly what we want, but usually its good enough to see us through.

But this time, we think we've struck gold. The only two teams who have scored more than Starblaydia's 27 in the thirteen games fo far are the previous two World Champions, Sarzonia (36) and Bedistan (28). Venerable company indeed. Though the attacking instincts of the Bedistanis have waned slightly over the years in favour of more cultured football, they can still bang in the goals just like they did 8 years ago. Sarzonia? Well, what can one say about them? Their teamwork is second to none, quite literally, and all that hard work and industry combines well with their light spinkling of World-Class players to produce, frankly, a shitload of goals.

Leading Starblaydia's charge is the diminutive yet determined Zhorin Tumunzahar. Seven goals in thirteen qualifiers for the number-nine and current Golden Boot holder of the best domestic league in the world, the Vilitan Stellar Division. In the Tramontina match he equalled Nikola Lazerevski's benchmark of 15 goals, putting him into consideration for greatness in a Starblaydi striker. At 28 this Dwarf is only just approaching the peak of his career, so he can be a lot better than this. Those Golden Boots he now wears have certainly given him the golden touch.

Backing Zhorin up are three excellent players. Michalis Mitrofanis and Florencio Zaragoza are both trying to out-do each other to prove their worth. Though Michalis got the nod for his extra AOCAF-winning performances, Florencio is working his way into the picture as the striking partner for Zhorin. Being the best striker in Liga Starblaydia is no mean feat, and no player has scored as many goals in one season of the Liga than Florencio did in Season 4, where he was voted Player and Striker of the Year, as well as winning the Golden Boot by just a single goal over Michalis.

Then, backing whichever front-two pairing Lazerevski goes with, comes Itechton Matranga. Young Player, Midfielder and Player of the Season awards have come his way in Liga Starblaydia over the three seasons he has played in. He certainly has the potential to be the best of the Matranga brood, and some consider him to be better right now than Syku Lyku-Agbayani ever was. Then when you give them passes supplied by industrious Juan Santiago, genius Surachai Buathiang, supreme captain Gbenga Ogunniya and talented defenders Valentino Caltabiano and Dimitri Steliopolous, there's no wonder why Starblaydia have clocked up 27 goals.

With a final - if academic - qualifying match against Baptism of Fire champions Spruitland, who Starblaydia beat 4-0 in their last match, Starblaydia can perhaps overtake Bedistan and set themselves up for a great World Cup run, with perhaps even a title in there somewhere. And, deities willing, Starblaydia can get a small bit of needle over Sarzonia the next time they play, being that Starblaydia and Sarzonia were neck-and-neck in the World Rankings until that fateful Second Round match four years ago, where Starblaydia were dumped and Sarzonia went on to win the Cup.

Let's hope its a cold day in Rejistania and Eauz the next time Starblaydia and Sarzonia meet and some revenge is dished out. It's the best way, after all.

How sweet it is
Hockey Canada back in qualification position with one game to go

Cheering- absolute cheering in the streets of Hockey Canada's cities to know they are in qualifying position with only one game left. The only downside to this is that Jeruselem will be playing against Spaam (whom Spaam beat 1-0 on Matchday seven) and Hockey Canada will be playing against Group 10 winners One Red Dot. Immediately after this was brought up, the cheering died immediately all over the country.

Group 10:
Hockey Canada 2 Spolotikopia 1
Kassyyk 0 Antarcticanada 0
One Red Dot 2 Jeruselem 0
Total n Utter Insanity 0 Spaam 0

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 29 8 5 0 18:2 16
2. Total n Utter Insanity 25 6 7 0 13:2 11
3. Hockey Canada 23 7 2 4 12:9 3
4. Jeruselem 21 6 3 4 11:7 4
5. Spaam 18 4 6 3 10:7 3
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 6 9:13 -4
7. Antarcticanada 7 1 4 8 4:17 -13
8. Kassyyk 4 0 4 9 4:24 -20

The game kicked off once again as Hockey canada had wanted. Scoring quickly before going full-karelan was the main plan for the Canucks, and sit appeared to some that Spolotikopian players were willing to help out with Hockey Canada's win. The 2nd minute saw a hand-ball just outside the Spolotikopian 18-yard line giving Hockey Canada the chance they needed. A hard drive by yanic Perrault at the goal hit a Spolotikopian defender in the wall to give the ball speed and height in a different direction. Spolotikopian fans watched in agony as they saw the ball sail into the back of the net to give the Hockey Canadians an early lead.

Hockey Canada was back to their scoring ways, only it didn't seem intentional this time in the 11th minute when Mike Ko chipped the ball from just over the half-line. Call it wind or God or sheer luck, the ball took a wierd curve just moments before the Spolotikopian keeper knew where the little white sphere was going- the back of the net. Ko ended up scoring the longest goal in Hockey Canadian history- an unbelievable 48 metres out from the goal.

Keeper Kyle Thomas was played after his breif rest from the qualification round and was tested in the 30th minute when Hockey Canadian defender John Cormack tripped a Spolotikopian striker well into the penalty area on a vicious kick that was controversial on whether he kicked the ball or the leg first. The striker was injured and Cormack was given his marching orders from the Red Card.

The penalty kick was taken by the Spolotikopian captain, one who had scored a majority of the Spolotikopian goals in this World Cup Qualification round. The kick was hard and low to the left corner, but the Cefn Albion keeper dove and guessed correctly to punch the ball out of harm's was to keep the score 2-nil in favour of the Hockey Canadians.

The 44th minute saw a bit of scrapping on the field when Timmy "Timmah!" Johnson and a Spolotikopian midfielder appeared to have an unfriendly chat at midfield. Pushing and trash-taking was exchanged before the Spolotikopian midfielder charged at Johnson. "Timmah!" wasn't expecting such a thing to happen on the pitch in front of a crowd of 82,000 people, but he took a quick punch in the chest. The midfielder was immediately given his marching orders, the referee actually handed the midfielder the red card, shortly before he blew his whistle to end the first half.

Things looked scary for the Canucks in the second half when yet again a card was given to Spolotikopia. The only arguement is that it wasn't red, and it wasn't even a player. The coach of the Spolotikopian team was furious in the 48th minute when a Spolotikopian striker tripped in the penalty area relatively close to Yanic Perrault only to give the Hockey Canadians a free kick. The striker admitted he had tripped by himself but the coach ran onto the field to scold the referee. The ref simply whipped out his yellow card from his little pocketbook and booked the coach.

The 79th minute saw Spolotikopia draw within one goal on a dump-in from a Spolotikopian defender deep into the Hockey canadian half. Only one defender was running back to help the Hockey Canadian karelan defence but it proved too much to handle as a quick cross in front of the net and a well placed shot behind Thomas had him furious with his defence although he made no mention of it.

The final whistle blew to the delight of Hockey Canadian fans, who watched Jeruselem fall to One Red Dot 2-nil earlier in the day. The win over Spolotikopia gave the Hockey Canadians pride in the fact they could qualify for an event as prestigeous as the World Cup. Hockey Canada will need to win tomorrow to secure at least 3rd place in Group 10. Why at least 3rd place you ask? If Total n Utter Insanity loses and the Canucks win, Hockey Canada will 26 points- 1 more than Total n Utter Insanity. We all know that may be just a possibility.

So basically the formula for Hockey Canada looks like this:

Hockey Canada win + Jeruselem win= Hockey Canada Qualified

Hockey Canada win/tie + Jeruselem tie/loss= Hockey Canada Qualified

Hockey Canada tie/loss + Jeruselem win= Jeruselem Qualified

Hockey Canada tie/loss + Jeruselem tie/loss= Hockey Canada Qualified.

Hockey Canada vs. One Red Dot
Total n Utter Insanity vs Kassyyk
Jeruselem vs. Spaam
Antarcticanada vs. Spolotikopia

Stars close out Hendrix in style, 1-0

The venerable career of Woodstock's Hendrix Stadium came to a close in the World Cup XXIII qualifying effort against Chicanada, and the Stars were out to close out the grand old stadium with a strong performance. They did not disappoint, getting a goal from forward Brian Wilson en route to a 1-0 win that was almost marred by fans storming the field after full time to grab a piece of the stadium.

"We were glad to get everyone out of there safely," Coach Dave Wilson said. "That became our first goal when we saw the fans rush onto the field."

That was about the only dark mark on the Stars throughout this World Cup qualifying campaign that has seen a goalless draw and a 2-1 victory against Raptor Claw serve as the token "setbacks" for a Stars side that has dominated like no other side in football.

As for the match against Chicanada, the Stars got the better of all but the first 20 minutes of action as the Kodiacs played with a sense of urgency that befit the team's battle for one of the two remaining Region 9 spots in the World Cup finals in Rejistania and Eauz. Goalkeeper Horace Sandt made three of his five saves in those first 20 minutes, including a point blank stop that many observers said was the best he has made in his entire career.

For the Stars, however, the story of the match was the shuttering of the building that many people acknowledged as the closest to a true national stadium in Sarzonia. Hendrix Stadium opened during World Cup XVI qualifying and has been the designated home of the Stars for genuinely big matches ever since. Until a new building clears City Council, that honour will go to the Iron Bowl in Portland.

"It doesn't matter where we play," midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell said. "Having said that, we'll definitely miss Hendrix."

Woodstock Major Chip Moose said the leading vote getter for a name of a new stadium is Bryan Marshall Stadium, named after the late coach who was the first field boss in Sarzonian national team history. The players unanimously agreed with the choice.

"It'd be a great way to honour our history and the contibutions Coach Marshall made to it," Brian Wilson said.

"I think if I were going to retire from coaching after this World Cup, getting a chance to coach a game in a Bryan Marshall Stadium might be incentive for me to change my mind," Dave Wilson said. "I can think of no better way to pay homage to the richness of Sarzonian football."

thsd:NEWS

Move Along Now...

THE Krytenian government has officially stated that Matchday Thirteen, for all intents and purpouses, did not happen. However, as a mark of goodwill, they will let the FMJPhoenix FA keep the Golden Cafetiere...until next time.

So, as filler, we're going to do the "group overview" thing.

GROUP 1
STARBLAYDIA have locked out this group. Starblaydi colony NOVA BRITANNICUS and fellow Atlantian Oceanians CRYSTILAKERE will fight it out for second, but are far enough ahead of SPRUITLAND to be qualified.

GROUP 2
TURORI, in their swansong competition, have won the group with a game to spare. EL CID THE HERO have, er, capital-ised on their chances, while HARLESBURG (with a U) quailified (with another U), unusually (with three).

GROUP 3
Hmm, now this one looks interesting. Although VILITA have booked their place, and SVECIA as good as (barring a massive defeat), the third place could go to any one of three teams. THE WEEGIES and GAIAN ASCENDANCY face each other, and barring a win for KERICIA over those pesky Vilitans, the winner should go through. Hell, The Weegies will go through with three points anyway.

GROUP 4
Three in the bag here. TADJIKISTAN qualify once more, while BEDISTAN also make it, despite a hiccough on Matchday Eleven (what is it with Bedistan and the number 11?). FIVE CIVILISED NATIONS qualified too, while special mention goes to the surprise team of the group, latecomers BIPEDAL APES.

GROUP 5
All set for a dust-up here. LIAMIST STATES and SPURLAND meet to decide the final qualifying spot, with the Marmadukes qualifying for the first time if they avoid defeat. Meanwhile, AUDIOSLAVIA and LIVERPOOL ENGLAND take first and second (order TBC).

GROUP 6
Despite a lot of nothing happening on Matchday 13, KRYTENIA qualify for the sixth time in nine attempts. They and FMJPHOENIX will be second and third; meanwhile SQUORNSHELOUS take the group, and CAPRINE STATES have much to g(l)oat about in their first Cup, fourth in the group.

GROUP 7
COMMERCE HEIGHTS qualify easily, and despite some late collywobbles, COCKBILL STREET will also be at the Finals. Meanwhile, in another battle for destiny, KYLAAI and NONESUCH STREET as good as play off for the third spot, Kylaai sealing it if they can avoid defeat.

GROUP 8
Beaten finalists last time, OAKER will return once more to the last 32. Perennial finals punchbags LOVISA shall also join them, while only unfavourable results will deny LETHISLAVANIA a finals place; NEDALIA are waiting for the improbable.

GROUP 9
World Champions and runaway group winners SARZONIA have flattened the opposition. Meanwhile, behind them, much stuff is happening. With RAPTOR CLAW and CHICANADA facing each other, while DRUIDA must defeat HYPOCRIA (who can still qualify with wins for themselves and the 'Claw) and hope for a favourable result to get to the finals.

GROUP 10
ONE RED DOT have won the group. TOTAL N UTTER INSANITY have made it too, while HOCKEY CANADA can finish second, third, or fourth. Avoiding defeat against O.R.D. is the priority, however even if they lose, eliminated SPAAM can still deny JERUSELEM the spot.

So there you have it. We'll have a report of Caprine States v Krytenia soon.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Surprise: no draw!

Spruitland – Reichsdeutschland: 3 – 0

With the Wooden Spoon secured, the Wabbits have gone back to their familiar 4-4-2 and went all out for the win against a sluggish Reichsdeutschland team, with a fine 3-0 as the result.

One could call that a logical score-line, but in this Qualifying campaign, logic has not found its way to Spruitland yet – or perhaps it got stuck in traffic. After four of the previous five matches against unranked nations had ended in a draw – and the other in a narrow 1-0 win – there was more than a little doubt about the outcome of tonight’s match.

But much to the crowd’s pleasure, things went according to plan against the Reichsdeutschers. Simon Briers had a fairly uneventful evening and kept his sheet clean for the ninth time in Qualifying, and the Wabbits kept the midfield under control without breaking a sweat. Dirk Jools and Jan Wolters scored before half time, and substitute Jonas Horst scored his first international goal in the second half to decide the final score.

Martin Backer, President of the Spruitland Football Association, was delighted with the result, and he couldn’t resist a bit of gloating.

“That’s what they call ‘home advantage’,” Backer grinned. “When we went to Reichsdeutschland, their oppressive airport customs confiscated all our supplies and we had to eat sauerkraut every day. I believe that was the main reason for our poor scoreless draw.”

“But two can play that game. As soon as they landed here, we took away all their bratwursts and wiener schnitzels, and put them on a diet of Spruits™ and Sprouts. That obviously made all the difference tonight. They couldn’t tell left from right, and were damn near passing out from their own farts. While our boys clearly had some… other vegetables for lunch.”

The result of the game was of very little importance though, since the three teams that qualify from Group 1 have long since been decided. Matchday 14 will be equally insignificant and will only serve for the statistics, which is just as well, since group winner Starblaydia comes to visit, and Spruitland will need logic to stay stuck in traffic for a while longer if it hopes to get away with anything from that match.

Then again, stranger things have happened.

Spruitland – Reichsdeutschland: 3 – 0
1-0 Jools (17’)
2-0 Wolters (36’)
3-0 Horst (69’)

We put the 0 in Kipt0-Mare

Marko Antropov records his 11th clean sheet of qualifying
The Pschychoes dominated their opponents in this match, scoring two goals early and then shutting down for the day. The deafening atmosphere of the Damogran Colliseum in Damogran, Squornshelous clearly intimidated and disrupted the Kipto-Mare strategy. The "Kippers" as I have spontaneously decided to call them, played almost timidly, not like a team who knew their only chance for qualification was a big win. Squornshelous struck early, in the form of a Brian Guerrero goal in the 17th minute. Brian recieved a pass that cut through the defense, and fired from just 12 meters after dribbling into the box. He put the ball low, just off the ground where the keeper couldn't get to it. Just four minutes later, Squornshelous' other striker, Alexander Popov put one in on a free kick. The veteran footballer had the ball at about 22 meters and just a little bit to the left of the center of the field, following a sloppy challenge by a defender trying to take the ball from Yanni Zikov. Popov sent it curling just over the heads of the men in the wall, and down into the bottom corner, just past the keeper's hands.
At halftime, several substitutions were made which included bringing Popov and Zikov off the field in favor of midfielders Akbar Tsang and Gunnar Thorsen. Squornshelous switched to a 4-3-2-1 formation, and played the rest of the game in an almost Karelan style. It was a credit to the Squornshelan defense, bolstered in the 60th by the substitution of Georges Lemarque for Dmitri Ulanych, that Kipto-Mare recorded only 2 shots on target in the entire second half, and both of those from well over 25 meters.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-0 Kipto-Mare

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Geurrero [17]
SQU: Popov [21]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 9
Skritsch: 5
Popov: 4
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 12:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 31 9 4 0 24:2 22
2. Krytenia 25 7 4 2 18:7 11
3. Fmjphoenix 25 8 1 4 19:9 10
4. Caprine States 21 6 3 4 12:8 4
5. Kipto-Mare 16 4 4 5 12:13 -1
6. Buben 10 2 4 7 7:18 -11
7. Milchama 8 1 5 7 4:23 -19
8. Garinas 6 1 3 9 5:21 -16

qualified teams
eliminated teams
The qualifying teams from this group have been decided already, but Krytenia and Fmjphoenix will still be waiting for their matchday 14 results to determine which of them will take second place. Niether one of those sides will want to finish third, out of pride if nothing else.

Up Next:
The final match of qualifying in Buben is quite meaningless, but look Squornshelous will put forth an effort to win, after a disappointing 0-0 draw in matchday 7.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous 3-0 Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States 0-0 Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous 4-0 Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia 1-2 Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous 2-0 Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Ashley Standard

National Side Loses, Still Almost In!
Comes Down, As Expected, To The Wire.

In one games time, the Kodiaks could be heading to Rejistania and Eauz or off to another Cup Of Harmony.

The Kodiaks took a lot of pride with their 1-0 loss from Sarzonia, which everyone expected. With Druida and Hypocria winning today as well, Chicanada has no more room for error as it heads home to face #2 Raptor Claw with its own fate lining in their hands...or others.

1) Should Chicanada win...Chicanada leaps into second place and qualifies.
2) Should Chicanada tie and Druida win...more than likely out as Druida is ahead on GD.
3) Should Chicanada tie and Hypocria win...stays third, advances to World Cup Finals by one point.
4) Should Chicanada tie and Hypocria and Druida tie...stays third, adances to World Cup Finals by two points.
5) Should Chicanada lose and Druida win...off to Cup Of Harmony
6) Should Chicanada lose and Hypocria win by two or more goals...off to Cup Of Harmony
7) Should Chicanada lose and Hypocria win by one goal...will barely make the World Cup Finals thanks to GD
8) Should Chicanada lose and Druida and Hypocria tie...move on to World Cup Finals

Eight possible solutions for the Kodiaks as they head to very sold out TroutCo Field. And of course the team would prefer option one to happen just to be done, but the Kodiaks will be quiet fans of a 1-0 Hypocria win or a Druida/Hypocria tie just to be on the safe side.

One game left, eight possible outcomes to decide a trip for the Kodiaks? A nation tends to be a tad tense.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia W 2:0
MD6: Sarzonia L 0:2
MD7: @ Raptor Claw T 0:0
MD8: @ Hypocria T 1:1
MD9: Lucianic W 2:0
MD10: Druida T 1:1
MD11: Kajiztahn W 2:0
MD12: @ Tonissia W 2:0
MD13: @ Sarzonia L 0:1
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABB LERABBLErab...(passes out)

Florizen: Well...it's worked before. Might as well pick up the pace. RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE (rabbles well into the night

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Strange upset fails to upset Two-Footers

by Ingbaba

Villariceña, Villarica - Esteemed Ms. Throckspartle, she of the ongoing dully-throbbing temples and lovably head-whacking manner, brought the Two-Footers to the lovely underdeveloped human nation of Villarica last week and immediately set them practicing as if their lives depended on the match result. Though the RBA has been out of contention for a qualifying spot in the upcoming World Cup for many months, it is rumored that our honored coach may find herself terminated as manager of the Local 1033 Banana Pickers’ Union side as the result of their third-place finish in the most recent Premiere League season; and some have suggested that an especially strong finish by the national side would go far with the Union bigwigs in advocating her renewal.

And so, following a surprisingly inexpensive guided tour of the Czarevich-era mansion for which the nation is named, the team spent six straight days and nights on the pitch. With a mad glow in her eyes that may have made it easy to see in the dark (and certainly made her easy to see in the dark), Throckspartle drove the players like beasts, resenting even the unavoidable odd sleep, eat, and poop-break. Aside from the latter, all breaks were conducted on-field, under the coach’s watchful and luminescent eyes.

As match day approached, no one could claim that the coach hadn’t practiced due diligence. Rumors abounded throughout the highly esteemed but not terribly exciting country that the national footie side was “a bit like the US hockey team in the Miracle on Ice game against the USSR.” Though it is not clear in what sense this rumor was intended to be taken, there is no question that the Two-Footers to a female expected that it was some strange Villarican metaphor.

During the pre-match warmups, however, in an unusual turn of events, six Villarican players took the pitch in hockey kit, that is, wearing the fin-bladed boots familiar to followers of the Skate-Footers in the Don Cherry Cup of Hockey Championdom, and also carrying bent sticks. Across from them, lined up six more humans in red-themed gear of a similar nature. A poet or political agitator then stood near the middle of the field and proclaimed in a boisterous pentameter that the red-suited side was the heavily-favored Soviet national team; and that their opponents, that is, the Villaricans, were the scrappy underdog pre-professionilization-of-the-Olympics-not-to-mention-Americanization-of-the-NHL Americans. For readers not familiar with the terminology, suffice to say that this reporter learned it from a handy flyer being distributed to all foreign-looking persons and apes in the stadium.

Why the Villaricans chose to reenact a hockey match from the ancient days of Greece, remains and most likely forever shall remain, unknown. However, it was nothing if not entertaining. Like all hockey matches, it involved quite a bit of running awkwardly, trying not to fall over wearing skate-boots, as well as a healthy dose of hitting-one-another-with-sticks, the hockey professional’s stock-in-trade. Although the heavily favored Soviets looked certain to win, thanks to their possibly steroid-enhanced massive physiques and general skill with the sticks, the Villaricamericans prevailed in the end, making their home nation proud.

After the bodies had been carted away and Ms. Throckspartle whacked the shocked looks off of her players’ faces, the match began. The last time these sides met, in Bananaton six months ago, the result was a one-all draw. This time, the sorely abused Two-Footers were loathe to leave the pitch with less than three points in the tables. From the get-go they played like upright-walking demons, with a tackle by Gazeboo capturing possession only moments after Lawrence Winters had kicked off to Percy Cavanaugh. The ball proceeded to spend most of the first half on the Villarican side of the pitch, with Melloopa coming through on 23 minutes, capitalizing on a well-placed pass from Banmana and a slightly misplaced Pascha LeTunga in the goal. Bumdiddle added her second net of the qualifiers fifteen minutes later, showing why she was one of the top scorers in premiere league play last season, as she used all her power to drill a shot from thirteen meters into the corner of the net.

Time ran down on a threat that looked good for a Barsoom goal, but the Weaver striker would get no more chances on the day, as the second half saw her pulled for the defensive midfielder Rungtiggle. The apes allowed the humans to have more control of the ball in the second frame, but thanks in no small part to the excellent work of Proboscobid and Hooboy, Spotrockle was called on to make stops only four times, and she was up to each challenge. The end of Barsoom’s three-match scoring streak was thus the only low point on the day, as the Two-Footers earned their fourth victory in the qualifiers, giving them a chance to bow out with an even record of five wins and five losses, should they overcome the fine evolved human Tichang side next month.

Final score:
Allied States of Villarica 0
Republic of Bipedal Apes 2 (Melloopa 23, Bumdiddle 38)

Today’s headlines…

Bell: "Imagine That: Insulting A National Hero Leads To Having Your Leg Broken"
Captain Out For Final Matchday Against Spurland
Liam & Co Media

It All Comes Down To Tomorrow
Marmadukes Need A Draw Or Win To Qualify
Liamist States Times

Brennan Alassane Called Up To Replace Bell
Dude Who Plays In Bettia May Well Have To Carry Side
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Rainford Made New Captain
Sarcastic Bastard Says "Thanks" As Sincerely As Possible
Soccer Monthly

!3! - 1 Loss For Marmadukes
Eaks Almost Afraid To Leave His Hotel Room
CDL Courier

Jeruselem Governmment News

Hockey Canada joins the Dots (almost)

2nd last qualifiers in World Cup XXXIII. With TnUI and One Red Dot assured of a top 3 spot, it is left for the 3rd spot to be determined. Bad news for Jeruselem fans today.

Jeruselem played One Red Dot which is not much fun. Naturally the dots were favourite and they did win. They downed Jeruselem 2-0 to dent the Crusader hopes of holding onto 3rd spot. The experience of Dots showed against a gifted Jeruselem team and it gave the Canadians a chance to seal 3rd spot.

Hockey Canada did win their game although Spolotikopia gave the game a shake losing 2-1 to enable the Canadians to regain 3rd spot from Jeruselem. They have a 2 point lead now which is a lot on the last day.

Total n Utter Insanity finished Spaam's chances of making 3rd spot holding to a ... wait for it ... a draw. And it was NIL ALL as expected. However, TnUI cannot get top spot now when the Dots won their game.

Oh yes, there was another game. Kassyyk vs Antarcticanada and the result was a ... NIL ALL draw.

Group 10:
Hockey Canada 2 Spolotikopia 1
Kassyyk 0 Antarcticanada 0
One Red Dot 2 Jeruselem 0
Total n Utter Insanity 0 Spaam 0


Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 29 8 5 0 18:2 16
2. Total n Utter Insanity 25 6 7 0 13:2 11
3. Hockey Canada 23 7 2 4 12:9 3
4. Jeruselem 21 6 3 4 11:7 4
5. Spaam 18 4 6 3 10:7 3
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 6 9:13 -4
7. Antarcticanada 7 1 4 8 4:17 -13
8. Kassyyk 4 0 4 9 4:24 -20


One game left. It's down to Jeruselem winning, no draw or loss.
If Hockey Canada draw and Jeruselem win, we can steal 3rd spot.
We really need Hockey Canada to be beaten though.

Spaam cannot take 3rd as it would only get 21 points at best with Hockey Canada with 23.

Final Day Drama



With just one qualification match remaining there are still two World Cup places up for grabs in Group 9 and four teams are gunning for them.

It’s Raptor Claw who currently sit in second place in the group but they are just one point ahead of Chicanada. Druida are fourth, two points behind Chicanada, while Hypocria in fifth are a further point back. To add to the tension the gods of fixtures have deemed that the teams will face each other on the final day with Raptor Claw travelling to Chicanada and Hypocria hosting Druida.

Alex Scott, Head of the Hypocrian FA, had this to say,

“Obviously we’re delighted. This is a first ever attempt at qualifying for the World Cup and to still be in contention on the final day is testimony to the good work of the players and the coach. It’s going to be tough but we can do it. We just need to focus on beating Druida. They’ve not been in the best form of late and only Sarzonia have scored more goals then we have so who knows. It could still happen for us.”

A little while ago Hypocria had looked down and out after successive defeats to Sarzonia and Raptor Claw but four points from the last two games have seen the Hyppos claw themselves back into contention, just about.



Hypocria 1 – 1 Kajiztahn
West 56


After hammering Kajiztahn 5 – 0 in the home fixture the fans probably expected something similar in the away game but sadly for them the Hyppos managed to snatch a draw from the jaws of victory. Defender Kieran Drakes was still out injured so Karl Nalepka continued at the back.

The first half was instantly forgettable, between two sets of players struggling for confidence. There was one effort on goal in the entire half, courtesy of Hypocria striker Alex Liberda and that was more of a danger to spectators behind the goal than to the Kajiztahn keeper.

In an effort to spark up the attack the coach took off Liberda at half time and replaced him with Sporting Mayo’s Danny West. Ten minutes into the second half the switch paid off as West skipped past a defender before firing past the keeper. But rather than going for a second, and probably killer, goal the Hyppos sat back and allowed Kajiztahn to attack at will. Costanzo came on to replace the much more attack minded Petras and the veteran Sean Flynn came on for Nalepka. It was an unusual decision as Nalepka was having a good game and Flynn had not exactly covered himself in glory when he came on against Sarzonia. Sure enough, as Kajiztahn attacked, Flynn brought down their striker with a clumsy challenge to concede a penalty. Kindelan had no chance as the penalty was converted to give the home side a share of the points.

Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
5. Nalepka (replaced by 12. Flynn, 70)
6. Blaka (c)
7. Petras (replaced by 17. Costanzo, 68)
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
10. Liberda (replaced by 20. West, 45)
21. Veron



Hypocria 3 – 0 Lucianic
West 9
Shirko 19
Petras 66



After the draw in Kajiztahn the Hyppos needed a win against group whipping boys Lucianic to have any chance of a World Cup Place. For the home match, played at the Oceanside Stadium in Pylos, Drakes returned from injury in place of Nalepka and West’s form in the last match earned him a staring berth at the expense of Liberda.

The Hyppos had looked nervous against Kajiztahn but against winless Lucianic the result never really looked in doubt. The coach had clearly got his side geed up for the match as they tore into the opposition from the first whistle. It was Danny West who started proceedings with a goal on nine minutes. He latched onto Baxter’s through ball and kept his cool to fire low past the keeper. Shirko added a second ten minutes later after good work down the right from Petras. And it was Petras who wrapped up the win in the second half after cutting in from the right flank and firing across the keeper and into the back of the net, his first international goal.

Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas (replaced by 19. Harris, 81)
4. Baxter
6. Blake (c)
7. Petras
8. Burdali (replaced by 15. Sinclair, 72)
9. Shirko
14. Drakes
20. West
21. Veron


That result coupled with Sarzonia’s 1 – 0 win over Chicanada, Druida’s 3 – 0 victory over Raptor Claw and Tonissia and Kajiztahn drawing 2 – 2 left the table looking something like this.


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 37 12 1 0 36:1 35
2. Raptor Claw 23 6 5 2 16:7 9
3. Chicanada 22 6 4 3 12:7 5
4. Druida 20 5 5 3 14:7 7
5. Hypocria 19 5 4 4 17:14 3
6. Tonissia 9 1 6 6 7:16 -9
7. Kajiztahn 7 1 4 8 8:30 -22
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 10 4:32 -28


For Hypocria fans the maths is easy, only a win over Druida at the Hyppodrome will do. That coupled with a Raptor Claw win in Chicanada could see the Hyppos through to the World Cup finals at the first attempt, although a superior goal difference could still come to the rescue of Chicanada.

In the other matches Sarzonia can finish their dominance of Group 9 with a win in Tonissia while Lucianic will be looking to end their long winless streak when they welcome Kajistahn.

OOC: Vilita, this is an insult, no RP. ICly, I am using numerous different architectures, most common being the ADVANSID, the Sistenha 3 and the SI. SI is also the name of one of the most common OSes (others are Hurd, SisLi and VIKI). Since they are Open Source, they are impossible to buy. Even if all developers would agree to put later versions under a different license the existing versions remain free. Closed source software is ooutlawed in Rejistania. The GAT is inspired by this image: http://internet.ls-la.net/pictures/Good-evening,-Mr.-Gates.html and doesn't exist except in the IRC (where it'll hunt you, believe me).

Harlesburg Qualify
Harlesburg 2 Riegab 0

Finally after three attempts Harlesburg have finally gotten through to the second round after beating Riegab 2-0 and with a home and away total of 5 goals to none.

But Harlesburg still have one more match to play and that is home vs EL CID THE HERO a team Harlesburg bet 1 nil the first time they played and although they cannot increase their finishing place in the pool they most certainly will want to claim put another notch on their belts.

“Sure we do want to win and win well we are over the moon about this the boys partied after the match but it really started when the results of EL CID THE HERO vs Wella came in 2 to 0 it was so weird we knew this was only the beginning of our journey yet we felt that a door to our past had been shut.
Happy with the win yes definitely.”

After Riegab kept it close for the early stages of the game it began to come unstuck when Harlesburg started to find gaps and although they couldn’t turn the Duck Egg into a Lighting Bolt they were beginning to show that something could happen at any moment.
When Harlesburg made a break in the 22nd minute it looked almost certain that they would take the lead but some excellent keeping kept them at bay for the next 6 minutes even stopping a bullet header from Lerrick Jones dead in the 26th minute.

Finally in the 34th minute did Harlesburg put that much needed something on the board when after Pedro Hernandez earned a corner kick after being guilty of being caught in the corner he got out of it by kicking the ball into the Riegabian defenders legs.
Sanchez took the Corner and shot high and to the far post were a rampant running Ollaun Sallasan was found and he dived forward propelling the ball into the net off his head.

From here the match slowed down a bit as Riegab regained some composure and Harlesburg looked at seeing the half through not wanting to lose their hard earned lead.
They however had one last chance in the 45th minute when before the half closed Hassim Salad slide tackled the ball away and Micheal Sladeresent pounced after dribbling for 24 meters he shot only to see it go high and wide.

The second half started off with a Harlesburgian team looking to extend their lead but the Riegabian Defence was unwavering and held out time and time again frustrating the Harlesburg striker who wanted to seal the victory early on and possibly preserving their energy for the upcoming games but this wasn’t to be as the game continued to ebb and flow between the two teams.

Riegab showed a determination to score in the second half and from the outset started off with a number of chances that they unfortunately could not capitalise on but they did manage to slip into the box twice and when one on one with Olsen Olsen he proved the better securing both shots in his arms not bad for Haresburg’s thirdstring Goalie

Harlesburg’s second goal came in the 72nd minute when Leroy Brown was introduced to the game in the 64th to try and inject some more activity into it at the expense of Happy Mc'slap Who had been having a strong game but the electrifying prescence of Brown was needed.
When in the 68th minute he was brought down in a latish tackle this seemsed to have been a terrible move but after some writhing he was back on his feet after securing a free kick from which Harleburg found their next assault on Riegab emerging from.
Soon this was the case when Hassim Salad Made a break and found Brown who crept into the box and shot past the Keeper to make it a 2 goal lead and effectively shut Riegab out.

Harlesburg Goal Scorers
Ollaun Sallasan 34th minute
Leroy Brown 72nd minute

MD8: 0 Harlesburg vs Haperd 0
MD9:1 Harlesburg vs Pedriana 0
MD10:0 Harlesburg vs Turori 3
MD11:2 Wella vs Harlesburg 2
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg 1
MD13:Harlesburg 2 vs Riegab
MD14:Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO

Whats wrong with these dudes?
5CN beats Tigers with smallest difference for the second time

With two matches to go, it was more a case of honor than points. The Tigers could end up as winners in their group for a second time and wipe out the disastrous performance on WC22 completely. But this match did was not what the Tigers are looking for.

Somehow they must have known it. While they are missing their number one Vorozheikin they get a visit by a side that already beat them before. Vorozheikin was replaced by Rastorguev, the goalkeeper from Regar-TadAZ Tursunzade, the club that was recently knocked out of the Champions league in the 1/16th finals. Maybe it played a role, because the otherwise fine goalkeeper found himself unable to stop a shot from an unknown 5CN player in the 82th minute.

The remainder of the match went by without much action, the Tigers made a couple runs over the sides and threatened the 5CN goal but they were never able to really finish of a move, but atleats they kept their foes from scoring a second goal. And thats about the only positive remark we can make about this match, lets hope things improve in the last qualification match when Vorozheikin returns and the Tigers go to Oglethorpia. It'll be the last real test before the World Cup.



Fixtures:
MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods W 1-0
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia W 1-0
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes W 3-0
MD10:Finrods - Tadjikistan W 0-1
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica W 4-0
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan D 1-1
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations L 0-1
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

The Daily Druid

LEMON AID GETTING BIGGER
Bill Posters on the biggest concert in Druida's history!

A date has been set for Lemon Aid! Yes, it is to be on the day of Druida's final World Cup Qualifier against Hypocria. The plan is for the concert to be on in the daytime at The Hole, while giant screens will relay the big game back to fans afterwards.

Acts signed up include Trevor Trevor and the Trevors, U4, Noasis, Coolplay and Status Quo. Fans seem excited by the line-up of mainly dodgy Druidan tribute bands, though how many were lying remains to be seen.

The event will hope to encourage Druidans to sober up throughout the coming months. Almost 120 million have sobered up so far, though the campaign has slowed recently. Lemon Aid is hoping to raise soberity awareness, and help reach the target of one billion Druidans sobered up before the year 2020.

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS LOOMING
By Political Correspondent Trevor Griffin

With the Druidan Presidential elections just a matter of weeks away, an odd thing is happening. The main rival to President Margaret Smith's position has emerged from within the Presidential Office itself.

Andrew Idder, who was until recently an unknown member of the President's staff, claims that the President is nothing without him, and that Smith will have no chance without him in his team.

Idder is also a big player in the Make Druida Sober campaign, though some cynics have said that this is because sober voters are more likely to vote for him, but this is dimissed by Idder.

He told us, "I've watched the President, and the nation, fall almost braindead from this alcohol abuse. We've got to save this land!"


COULD WE STILL DO IT?
Bill Posters on Druida 3 Raptor Claw 0

Druida looked like a completely different team last night as they took on Raptor Claw at The Hole and won. Convincingly as well. Eric Tree, Liam Jones and Trefor Montenegro all scored in the first half hour, at which point Druida just relaxed a bit and passed around the ball a lot.

The result means that something could yet be salvaged from the disaster of this campaign, though knowing the Druids, it probably won't be. Here's the maths.

To be guarenteed a place in the World Cup finals, Druida must win by two clear goals. If Druida don't win, then we could be hosting the Cup of Harmony while the main show's on. However, the maths all comes into play should Druida win by one goal.

You see, Druida are two points behind chicanada with superior goal difference. Should Raptor Claw win, then a one goal victory. Raptor Claw are three points ahead of Druida with superior goal difference. If Chicanada win by two or more, Druida would go through with a one goal win. However, the only result that would more than likely see Druida go out is a Chicanada win by one goal, when only goals scored would save the rainbows. Druida have scored two less than the Raptors so far.

The Daily Druid has offered two predictions as to what will happen. Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po has gone for the optimistic approach, whilst I, Bill Posters, have gone for the more likely pessimistic approach.



Liam Gessem'-Po says...

Hypocria 0-2 Druida
Chicanada 2-0 Raptor Claw

2. Chicanada 25 7 4 3 15:7 7
3. Druida 23 6 5 3 16:7 9
4. Raptor Claw 23 6 5 3 16:9 7
5. Hypocria 19 5 4 5 17:16 1

Bill Posters says...

Hypocria 0-0 Druida
Chicanada 0-1 Raptor Claw

2. Raptor Claw 26 7 5 2 17:7 10
3. Chicanada 22 6 4 4 12:8 4
4. Druida 21 5 6 3 14:7 7
5. Hypocria 20 5 5 4 17:14 3



OTHER GENERAL WORLD CUP STORIES

The Turori FA have decided to step down from World cup action after Rejistania and Eauz. So yet again, another team we see as our biggest rivals leaves the scene, following on from Sliponia. Twice. I think that leaves Nova Britannicus as next in line, then.

- - -

The Eauzian referee of the Druida - Tonissia game was freed with only a warning from Cefn Central Court, after it emerged that the goalless draw was actually the fault of the groundstaff at The Hole for not making the goals big enough. Head groundsman at Druida's National Stadium Trevor Page said that he didn't realise that the measurements were made in inches and not centimetres. He faces three months in Plaskynaston Prison.

- - -

Tensions between Rejistania and Vilita seem to be coming more intense than those between Rejistania and Druida, after 3wide Designs claimed to have bought out Unix. Not true say the karelans, defending the integrity of their nation's company. Expect this to either rumble on or peter out into a damp squib.


Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po presents...
0-0 WATCH
International edition

Well, the spoon might well have been won already, but that hasn't stopped TnUI recently, who have come from nowhere into second place in the 0-0 table, with a pair of bore draws on Matchdays 12 and 13. It puts the Insanisians two behind winners Spruitland and one ahead of the chasing pack with a gmae to go. Unfortunately, there is no prize for second, but if anyone from the TnUI FA feels like popping in to Barry Williams' pub for a few drinks on the house any time, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Meanwhile, Barry and I travelled to Spruitaland to present Cor Bensen with the spoon. However, Barry was not let through custome because of his suspicious bad moustache and eye patch combination. However, I did, and I presented Bensen with his teams reward for all their defensive hard work and lacklustre finishing.

Bensen told me, "Well, it's a bit unexpected, considering you only thought of it half way through the campaign, but one we knew we weren't going to make the top three we thought we might as well go for it. And we did!"

The spoon will now be Spruitland's for four years, when it'll be played for all over again in World Cup 24 qualifying!

MD12

EL CID THE HERO 0 Turori 0
Milchama 0 Fmjphoenix 0
Esrevistan 0 Oliverry 0
One Red Dot 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0
Spolotikopia 0 Jeruselem 0

MD13

Tramontina 0 Anarchist Canuckistan 0
Turori 0 Haperd 0
Kassyyk 0 Antarcticanada 0
Total n Utter Insanity 0 Spaam 0


This means that, with one game to go, the top of the 0-0 table looks like this...


Spruitland 7
Total n Utter Insanity 5
Krytenia 4
Prolaterian Pandas 4
Squornshelous 4
Druida 4
15 teams on 3
25 teams on 2
23 teams on 1
11 teams on 0


We threaten to publish the full table after the last game, just to out the karelans, takils and don't particularly care all that much thank you pleases amongst the qualifiers.

The Enlightener: 5th July 2005 - 20 great Arora recipes inside!

Keeping An Eye On The Neighbours

Bettia's qualifying campaign has come to an end thanks to yesterday's 2-0 defeat at Oaker, but that doesn't mean we're going to slink away and sulk in the corner. No dear readers, there's still plenty at stake around us. Let's take a quick tour around our borders to see what's going on...

Nedalia
Fellow group 8 competitors Nedalia are three points ahead of us and three points behind Lethislavania in third place... and who are the Lethis playing next? Why, its Bettia! That means that if both we and Nedalia win tonight, it could be our western neighbours going to their first World Cup finals. Mind you, Lethislavania have a superior goal difference and have scored five more goals, so the margin of Nedalia's and Bettia's victories will have to total 5 or more (i.e. 2-0 and 3-0, 2-1 and 4-0 etc). Quite a tall order considering Nedalia's last game is against Lovisa and Bettia's recent crapness in front of goal, but it's still possible.

Hypocria
Currently in fifth place in Group 9, but just three points off the magic third place. Their last game is against Druida, who themselves are harbouring strong hopes of qualification. However, Hypocria have home advantage plus the extra added benefit of hordes of Bettian fans heading over the border on a day trip to cheer their neighbours on - well, the fans who aren't heading to Sukatra to watch the Aroras, or into Nedalia to urge the Lions on. The Hyppos must beat Druida and hope that Raptor Claw beat Chicanada, with a total winning margin of two goals (i.e. 1-0 and 1-0) needed for qualification.

Bedistan
The top three teams in Group 4 have already qualified, but the top three places are still to be decided. The Lions are currently in second place, one point behind leaders Tadjikistan, and they face an away trip to Villarica on the last matchday. Tadjikistan face a slightly harder task away to Oglethorpia, and the Bedistanis could well find themselves sitting pretty on top of the table at the end provided that get a better result.

Cockbill Street
The Streetians have already been confirmed in a comfortable second place in Group 7, five points behind Commerce Heights, and four points ahead of Kylaai. Nothing to play for here folks, move along now.

Before the game...

Coach Richelieu(I finally found him a name :D ): Guys, we better win. We need it . Let's go guys, pump up the jam, we'll win.

At the 22nd minute of the game:
An Oliverrian fan: How come: they don't know how to do anything excepted playing frankly offensve them.
Another Oliverrian fan: Look, in Rejistania, they call that Takilan and everyone that pronounces that word goes straight in jail.
Another another Oliverrian fan: Wtf! New Savio scored. Damn Joey St. Laurent. I will kill him with a Lada car then...

At the Half-time...
The Oliverrian fan: Fucking good show: what's the name of the group again?
Another Oliverrian fan: Run around the clock why?
Oliverrian fan: Oh! They're making good songs now? Dammit. Keep my place, I have to piss my 3 beers consumed earlier

30 minutes later...
Another Oliverrian fan: Why did it take you 30 minutes? The toilet is just there(he points to the left)
Oliverrian fan: Rejistani girls are slani beautiful...

The game restarts...
Anouncer: Let's pray communism for this beautiful match...
Oliverrian Fan: Fuck communism...
A hord of policemen are around him with a communisant gun

Word of the author: Communisant guns exist? Wtf?

At the 63rd minute:
Oliverrian fan: Fucking jail... but, atleast, I still have 3 Rejistani girls with me...
His cellular phone rings...
Oliverrian fan: Hello
One of the Rejistani girls: Please, don't comeback, I don't need you, your friend is 100 times better than you. Good bye.
Oliverrian fan: I ill kill him, that's sure...

At the 78th minute:
Another Oliverrian fan: Let's go, let's go Durocher. Yes, shoot.... yeeeaaaahhhh!! gooooaaaaalllll!
Another another Oliverrian fan: Yes 1-1. High-five? Yyyyeeesssssss!

At the 88th minute:
Another Oliverrian fan: Oh! My lady are calling me. I'll come back in 20 at the hotel room.
Another another Oliverrian fan: Ok. Good bye. Don't make babies, we don't need rejistani-oliverrian babies in our country...

Game final result:
Well, there are 2...
1. New Savio:1 - Olivery:1
For the Oliverrian fan: Him:3 Beers - Another Oliverrian fan:3 girls

The Bettians Are Coming



To create an atmosphere to remember inside the Hyppodrome for the crunch Group 9 encounter between Hypocria and Druida the Hypocrian FA have announced that they will be making the maximum number of away tickets available.

The Hyppodrome has a capacity of 80,000 and one tenth of that number will be made available to travelling supporters, although not those from Druida. In fact the majority of these seats will be sold to the masses of Bettian fans that have made the journey east across the border. Yes Hypocria's neighbours are showing their support by arriving in their hundreds to cheer on the Hyppos against Druida (and Nedalia against Lovisa and Bedistan against Villarica).

“It’s only fair”, said stadium manager Archibald Gray. “The fans from Bettia have come all this way to support their neighbours, we can’t just leave them roaming the streets now can we? That wouldn’t be very hospitable.”

When asked about how the Druidan supporters would feel about this new arrangement Gray went on to say,

“They should be thanking us. The Druidans are trying to encourage their population to sober up and we are just trying to do our bit to help. It’s going to be a pretty tense game for all the fans, the kind of game that could led someone to drink. I think it would be much healthier for them if they didn’t watch. They could catch a movie; I hear that one about the crime fighting nuns is very good.”

So while the fans from Druida sample Hypocrium's cultural centres the rest of the country will be tuning in to watch the biggest match, well, ever.

"We thought the Sarzonia game was big", one fan said. "But this, this is huge. If we win and Chicanada lose we are on our way to the World Cup. It's unbelievable. They should give Dungu a new contract right now. No, they should build a statue of him."

Alas, we've reached the final match day of qualifying round. I do hope those who participated, enjoyed their experience, and welcome them back to the next cup. As for those who've qualified, you thought Karela was bad during qualifying round, wait till you get to the actual cup. The forces are quite strong in Rejistania, and Eauz.

End of Qualifying round RP bonus...

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

BFA files inquiry

VILLARICA -- Bedistan played rather conservatively, but still well enough to get the job done in their 2-0 win over Villarica on the final matchday, which combined with other results in the group was enough to put the Lions at the top of the table to at long last win their qualifying group. Unfortunately, match referee François d'Artagnan, for some unknown reason, reported the result of the match to the World Cup Committee as 0-0. While a 0-0 result is still technically enough for Bedistan to top the group on goal difference, coaches, players, fans, and senior BFA officials are protesting to have the actual score reinstated. The BFA has filed an official inquiry into the referee's conduct and will be awaiting a response from the WCC.

finalscore
Villarica 0
Bedistan "0" (Vantrease 39, Orr 70)

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Qualifying ends on bright note

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Going into matchday fourteen, Oglethorpia was twelve points out of a qualifying spot, advancing to the World Cup-proper an impossibility for the Ostriches. But despite the futility of the match, the Ostriches closed their World Cup 23 qualifying run with a shocking victory over the group four powerhouse Tadjikistan, the scoreline two-one. "I can't believe it," said a visibly elated Torrence Black. "I don't know how we pulled it off -- it was like the match was composed solely of random events, and they just all happened to be in our favor."

The Tadjikistan Tigers struck first in the 14th minute, dimming Oglethorpian hopes for a draw against the strong side. But surprisingly in the 31st Ostriches forward Anton Kremlov managed to score the equalizer off a cross from Billiam Christmas, Jr.

The match went to the half looking like a draw, having stalemated after Kremlov's goal. It continued this way, Tadjikistan playing strong defense with the Ostriches making no attempts.

That is until the 63rd minute -- a corner kick taken by Mel Memorable hit the corner post, luckily retrieved by Bill Christmas whom fortunately made a score out of it. "I had no idea it would go in," said the forward after fulltime. "It really was one of those freak occurences -- doubt i'll ever get another."

The match would go to fulltime ending with the Ostriches as the victors in an upset few predicted. And yet even with the boost to morale, Oglethorpia is looking towards World Cup 24, having failed to qualify this time around.

"Next cup, by some unexplainable quantification of a national side's skill -- by points, or ranks, or whatever -- i'm sure we'll do better. It's all about the points. Or ranks. Or whatever. I'm sure we'll do better," said coach Black, clearly and concisely.

With the win against Tadjikistan, Oglethorpia finished fifth in group four with a 6-1-7 record -- better than either coach Black or OAF President Joe Staplin predicted. "Eh. They still didn't qualify," said Staplin, regarding his more dismal prediction of a 4-3-7 record.

While still falling short, on the other hand, coach Torrence Black points out much more of the positive. "We're definitely on the come back -- next Cup I predict we qualify."

The remaining Oglethorpian qualifying schedule is as follows.

- (oh wait, qualifying = over.)

Ashley Standard

WELCOME TO THE FINALS!
Kodiaks knock off Raptors, make first trip to World Cup Finals.

Things were tense in the captial before Chicanada took the field against raptors Claw - Druida won and was, for the time being, in the final slot.

So Chicanada made sure to take out their aggression on Raptor Claw and make their way to their first ever World Cup Finals.

The 2-1 victory was capped off by Predence Loeri's penalty kick in injury time to avoid a overtime and send Chicanada on while letting Druida, who appeared dead in the race just days ago make their way in by one goal over Raptor Claw.

Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 40 13 1 0 39:1 38
2. Chicanada 25 7 4 3 14:8 6
3. Druida 23 6 5 3 16:7 9
4. Raptor Claw 23 6 5 3 17:9 8
5. Hypocria 19 5 4 5 17:16 1
6. Tonissia 9 1 6 7 7:19 -12
7. Kajiztahn 10 2 4 8 9:30 -21
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 11 4:33 -29

Most expect the CFA, after recovering from the shock of advancement, to make the team a full 25 people. This could include the first female to play, as several WomensLiga stars are looking primed to join the top level and keep this surprising development continuing on!

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia W 2:0
MD6: Sarzonia L 0:2
MD7: @ Raptor Claw T 0:0
MD8: @ Hypocria T 1:1
MD9: Lucianic W 2:0
MD10: Druida T 1:1
MD11: Kajiztahn W 2:0
MD12: @ Tonissia W 2:0
MD13: @ Sarzonia L 0:1
MD14: Raptor Claw W 2:1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: (still out from rabbleing Chicanada to victory)

Florizen: (Quietly on the phone) Yeah, he's sleeping. Nah, I'll tell him later. He'll be thrilled.

Stars wrap up qualifiers, 3-0

With one meaningless match remaining in World Cup XXIII qualifying, the Sarzonian national team did something Coach Dave Wilson rarely ever does: He started a full-on second choice national team except for goalkeeper Horace Sandt. Many of the regulars, including forwards Brian Wilson and Barry Alphonso, midfielder Darwin Russell, and defender Mike Coyle were given the night off, but the Stars played as if everyone were in the starting 11, getting goals from Bruce Badger, Trevor Crenshaw, and Kenny Cooper en route to a 3-0 win over Tonissia.

With Sandt having allowed only one goal (to Raptor Claw) and the Stars having played only one draw (0-0), Dave Wilson said he realised the chance to make what he called "a historic statement" when he started Sandt. The goalkeeper made four saves, one of the highest totals of the tournament for him, and stretched his new streak of scoreless minutes to 471.

"This match gave us a chance to keep our bench players interested," Dave Wilson said. "It also gave me a chance to see Chris [Trautwig, the team's assistant coach] in action." Dave Wilson was on the sidelines, but he let Trautwig make the tactical decisions.

"Fishboy did a nice job," Dave Wilson joked. "I'm sure the [Incorporated Football Federation] is going to have to think long and hard about giving him an opportunity to coach this team sometime in the future." Dave Wilson dismissed talk of his possible retirement, saying "it's too early to make that call," but a source within the IFF said it's all but a fait accompli.

"Dave's been coaching a long time. He's ready to look for new challenges," the source said. However, another source who is familiar with the coach's thinking denied he was all but out.

"He's always said he's not going to make the decision until he's had a chance to evaluate things at the end of the World Cup season," he said. "He's also made a lot of noises about wanting to coach the first game at Bryan Marshall Stadium.

Speculation on the team's next field boss has centered on Trautwig, who has guided the team to two wins in World Cup qualifying, albeit when the Stars had already clinched the group title, but with the recent shutdown of the Legalese national team, the Stars could consider their former top assistant. Dave Wilson said after one training session that he wanted Owens to be his successor, but he also grew comfortable with Trautwig.

"It's going to be a tough call, no doubt about it," Dave Wilson said.

Right now, the Stars' present involves waiting for the announcement of the draw in Rejistania or Eauz, which the Stars will watch without the excitement or the trepidation of the past.

"We're going to be watching a lot of film," midfielder Darwin Russell said. "We'll be watching until our eyes glaze over."

"If we're going to Rejistania, I'm bringing our Rejistanian phrasebook," Sandt said. "And I'm not going to let [Brian Wilson] out of my sight if I need a translator."

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Tenth draw refused

Spruitland – Starblaydia: 0 – 1

With Spruitland’s last match of World Cup 23 Qualifying to be refereed by Mr. Christophe L’Equal from Eauz, supporters’ hopes were high that the match would end in another draw, even with the Wabbits fielding a mostly-reserve team. Mr. L’Equal, however, had just been released from a Druidan prison after being charged with causing a goalless draw and despite his acquittal, this seemed to have an effect on his decisions.

Mr. L’Equal seemed determined not to let the match end in a draw. Starblaydi top-scoring dwarf Zhorin Tumunzahar was clearly offside when he rammed the 0-1 past goalkeeper Johan Verbeek, but the referee ignored the protests. And he ignored more protests when Chico Provoost cleanly headed the equalizer into the net, and Mr. L’Equal promptly disallowed the goal.

In other words, Spruitland got robbed, but since the outcome of the match had no effect on the group standings, the SFA decided not to bother with pressing charges and Mr. L’Equal was quickly released. Martin Backer and Cor Bensen had other things on their mind, in fact, as the Daily Druid’s Karelan Wooden Spoon – the actual thing – was presented to the crowd before the match, with The Daily Druid’s Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po as the guest of honor.

In a rather peculiar ceremony, SFA President Martin Backer had removed the Baptism of Fire trophy from its regular place in the ExtremelyHuge Trophy Case, filled it up with Spruits™ and Cor Bensen used the Wooden Spoon to feed one to Mr. Gessemschmitthaagen-Po, who then proceeded with the ceremonial kick off.

“Little peeved that the damn Eauzian referee refused to let us end this campaign with a draw,” Martin Backer said after the match, “but getting to touch the actual Spoon makes up for that. When Cor raised that Wooden Spoon in the air I felt proud to be a Spruitlander once again. Unfortunately we only get to keep it for 4 years. But maybe we’ll try to win it again next time.”

Spruitland – Starblaydia: 0 – 1
0-1 Tumunzahar (57’)

Let's follow our 3 fans as they were going to the Oliverry-Commerce Heights game...

Outside the stadium...
Oliverrian fan 1: Now, as we're playing Commerce Heights, there shouldn't be any communism pray...
Oliverrian fan 2: I also hope. I hate communists...

Just before the game starts...
Oliverrian fan 2: Can somebody get us 3 some alcoholized drinks?
The other 2 fans looking at him...
Ok then, I'll go take some...

At the 22nd minute...
Oliverrian Fan 3: Let's go Illois. Go, go. Dammit. No, not that. Come on
Oliverrian Fan 1: What are you checking?
Oliverrian Fan 3: I'm checking at Turbide Illois eating his spaghetti. Damn. He really doesn't know how to eat that...

At the 38th minute...
Oliverrian fan 2: Let's go St. Laurent. Go, go. Not that. Dammit
Oliverrian fan 1: Nooooo!!! We're losing 1-0. Fuck.
Oliverrian fan 3: Some chips everyone?
The other 2 fans: Shut up you...

At the half-time break...
Announcer: Tonight, for the half-time show, Capitalizt and his Pussycats
Oliverrian fan 1: Fucking shit. I hate this group.
Oliverrian fan 2: Maybe, but the girls are pretty beautiful, you know?
All 3 have their eyes wide open when they saw the pussycats

At the end of the half-time break...
Announcer: Let's thanks the communists...
*He gets kidnapped by a commerce heights extremist*
*Everyone cheers in the stadium*

At the 58th minute...
Oliverrian fan 2: Go, go. Let's go St-Leon. Yes, pass it. Go, go. Yeaahhhhhh!
Oliverrian fan 1 comes back from the restaurant...
Oliverrian fan 1: Did I miss something?
Oliverrian fan 2 and 3 high-five together
Oliverrian fan 1: Ok! They scored

At the 73rd minute...
Oliverrian fan 2: I passed a really beautiful night yesterday with my Rejistani harem...
Oliverrian fan 1: I will kill you dammit...
Oliverrian fan 3: Hey: Commerce Heights scored. Now, we're losing
Oliverrian fan 2: Nooooooo...

At the 87th minute...
Oliverrian fan 2: Look at it. Look at it. Look at the commerce heights sub goalie man. He's too funny. He looks like a girl...
Oliverrian fan 3: Maybe because it's a girl... Noooooo... We got scored. Fuck. Now, we're losing 3-1.

Outside the stadium, after the game...
Oliverrian fan 1: I will kill you...
Oliverrian fan 2: Why? No tonight. What will the girls in my harem say if they don't see me? Anyway, tourlou guys.
Oliverrian fan 1: I will kill him someday...

Another Shutout to finish up

A national record 12 clean sheets in qualifying
Squornshelous finished their qualifying with a 2-0 win over Buben, laying to rest any doubts raised by the 0-0 draw with that side earlier in their schedule. The Pschychoes played mostly subs, and didn't attack much in the second half. Petr Skritsch and Franz Persson, who started in place of Brian Guerrero, scored within ten minutes of each other to seal that game early, Skritsch on a header following a corner kick from Gunnar Thorsen and Persson on a wide open shot following a prefect through ball from Akbar Tsang.

Final Score:
Buben 0-2 Squornshelous

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Skritsch [21]
SQU: Persson [31]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 9
Skritsch: 6
Popov: 4
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1
Persson: 1

Group 6 Final Standings:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 34 10 4 0 26:2 24
2. Krytenia 28 8 4 2 19:7 12
3. Fmjphoenix 25 8 1 5 19:10 9
4. Caprine States 21 6 3 5 12:9 3
5. Kipto-Mare 19 5 4 5 13:13 0
6. Buben 10 2 4 8 7:20 -13
7. Garinas 9 2 3 9 6:21 -15
8. Milchama 8 1 5 8 4:24 -20

qualified teams
eliminated teams

Up Next:
The world anxiously awaits the draw for the first round of World Cup 23. (or XXIII if you prefer)

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous 3-0 Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States 0-0 Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous 4-0 Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia 1-2 Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous 2-0 Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben 0-2 Squornshelous

OOC: please excuse the length of this post. Future installments should be shorter...

IC:

The sand was white and warm. It tickled the ape’s toes. A gentle breeze carried the briny scent and kept the temperature almost tolerable. By day, with the thermometer nearly reaching forty and the sun beating down, being a fur-covered ape in a tropical country was too much to bear. But now that the sun had set, the beach was nearly paradise.

“This the life,” Pigpiggie murmured. Zung, lolling in the sand nearby, grunted his assent. Wonktickle seemed to be asleep.

Somewhere not far off the strains of bossa nova could be heard: a guitar, a saxophone, a human voice softly singing of love. Or something. In truth, the voice could have been singing of murder, or spinach, or recipes for mixing asphalt. Pigpiggie would have no way of knowing, considering that the language spoken here was unlike any he’d ever encountered.

“This place like Rio,” he mused. “Except instead of Portuguese they talk crazy-talk.”

Zung, still lolling in the sand nearby, grunted his assent. A little time passed. The song ended and a new one began, possibly on the topic of punctuated equilibrium.

“What Rio?” Zung asked belatedly.

“What Rio?” Pigpiggie repeated.

“Yeah, what Rio?”

“What you mean, ‘What Rio?’? There only one Rio.”

“Huh?”

“Rio. Rio. Rio de Janeiro.”

“What Rio Rio Rio de Janeiro?”

“Rio de Janeiro!”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.”

The surf was coming in. A wave occasionally cooled Pigpiggie’s toes.

“Rio a kind of food?”

“What?”

“I said, ‘Rio a kind of food?’,” Zung repeated.

“Why you say that?”

“’Cause I want to know!”

“You want to know if Rio is kind of food.”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Oh.”

“Rio a place. Like this place.”

“Oh.”

“See?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. So Rio not a kind of food.”

“Yeah, we said that already, Zung.”

“Just making sure.”

The song about evolutionary theory ended and a new one started up, possibly touching on closet organizational methods.

“’Cause I hungry.”

“I know, Zung.”

“Well, there no food!”

“I know there no food!”

“We been here a long time, Pigpiggie.”

“If you can figure out where human who zapped Ms. Throckspartle’s brain is, be my guest!”

“We been here, like, I dunno. Maybe months.”

“Yeah, we been here long time, Zung.”

“When we got here, we had money. Spent it all. Had food for a while. Now we got no food. We living on same beach for a week. How far you think we walked from where banana boat dropped us?”

“Banana boat dropped us in jungle a couple miles up coast.”

“And how many more miles you think it is to human who zapped Ms. Throckspartle?”

“I got no idea where he is.”

“Me neither.”

“No kidding.”

“I wish we never came to Rejistania, Pigpiggie.”

“Well, if we could just find the human who zapped Ms. Throckspartle with time-travel machine, it all would be worth it.”

“Yeah. And if we just had some food, my tummy could shut up. Shut up your gurgling!”

“Tummy got no ears, Zung.”

“Stupid tummy.”

A tall, dark human appeared from the dusk and interrupted their conversation. She-- or he-- Pigpiggie could not distinguish human gender-- seemed to be asking a question.

“I dunno,” Pigpiggie said in reply. She spoke in the local language, composed of far too many k’s and l’s and y’s. She asked another question and again Pigpiggie indicated his ignorance. Then, to the ape’s surprise, the human spoke haltingly in his own language.

“You three staying at hotel?”

“Um,” he said, taken aback at understanding the human’s words, and unprepared for such a question. “No,” he admitted.

“Where you staying?”

Pigpiggie shrugged. But he guessed that there was a vagrancy law, and quickly appended his response. “We staying in, uh, shack. We rented shack.”

“What shack?”

“Shack over there.” He waved in a vague, random direction.

“In the water?”

Pigpiggie looked in the direction he had waved. it was indeed toward the water. “No, I guess it over there,” he said, electing not to wave again. He had a bad feeling that this conversation was not going well.

“Over where?”

“There,” he said, and waved more or less straight up.

“All right,” said the human, and for a moment he thought he had gotten away with it, until he realized that she was merely pausing to search for the right words in his language. “What I really want to know, is, have your been pooping?”

Pigpiggie blinked and scratched his head. “You want to know if I been pooping?”

“Pooping,” the human repeated. “Making droppings.”

“Um... of course I been pooping. Apes have to poop or they die,” he explained.

“I mean,” said the human, and again paused to come up with the right words. “I mean, have you been pooping in the bushes?”

“Of course. Where else you poop?”

“Ever heard of a toilet?”

“Um... nope.”

“I don’t know where you three talking apes came from,” said the human, “but in Hetkali, pooping in bushes is illegal. You come with me.”

Pigpiggie shrugged and got up. Zung got up too.

“That one too.” The human pointed at Wonktickle. Pigpiggie kicked the sleeping ape.

“Ow! Hey!”

“Come on.”

“What?”

“Wake up and come on!”

“What for?”

“We under arrest, I think.”

“Oh. They gonna feed us?”

“I don’t know.”

“Maybe,” the human said. “Now follow me.” The apes hurriedly complied.

Today’s headlines…

10-0-0 Formation Succesful
Marmadukes Play Scoreless Draw, Qualify
Liam & Co Media

Yay! We Did It!
Marmadukes Hop On WC23 Finals Bus
Liamist States Times

Players Form Wall In Front Of Goal
Marmadukes Rarely Left Own Goal Box
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Rainford's Captaincy Justified
So He Says Anway...
Soccer Monthly

Marmadukes Wait To Find Out Who Will Hand Out Finals Spankings
Big Losses Expected As Liamists Play With Big Boys
CDL Courier

Iha Syku had no good day, no good week and when one considers it, no good life. He was a policeman and all he did day by day was to patrol the calm parts of the city, the places where nothing is happening except maybe cats climbing on trees and don't coming down or small kids crying because they fell down. And now he went to the beach because people reporter strange apes there. K~hojin, it's near the jungle, what do you expect? He changed his mind when he heard the apes talking in coherent words and awful grammar. He had a discussion with the apes and when he found out, that they left "droppings" on the beach, it was a reason to bring them to the police station 9. The police station does look to be far to small for the normal duty, but that is because nothing is happening in this part of the city. Once a bicycle was reported stolen and appeared a day later with a note that the 'thief' had to reach the hospital because her wife had an accident.

"Beach shitting? Wow, what a crime!" said inspector Kansu Hira ironically.
Iha Syku made a noise: "Offense is offense, but I talked to them, they're broke as Vaje~n Sekhika!"
"Xexkix, where are they from? I mean, I did not see them having any documents."
"Bipedal Apes Republic, but no documents, no passport, no visa."
"Illegal immigration? Wow, THAT is something we didn't have here!"
"Indeed. Finally some life here in 9!"
Kansu Hira smiled "Let me talk to them, maybe we do not have that much life as you wished."
Iha Syku replied with something, which can be translated as "meh"

A few minutes later, the three apes were in his bureau. They again had to say their names and Kansu got desperate on the right transliteration. Zung was the only one, whose name has something like a rejistanian transliteration, for Pigpiggie and Wonktickle, it was a torture, because Kansu kept on understanding it incorrectly and had to grasp the concept of having only one name. After a while of discussion, Kansu summarized: "Okay, you came here to search the ones responsible for the group draw of the soccer world cup 23 because a certain S~verokh~sevartil (Throckspartle) is suffering from head-ouchies and you think someone 'zapped his brain'?"
They nodded.
"This sounds too weird to be true, but well, the university of Sike asked for anyone having experienced strange effects during the correction of the draw and I read about S~verokh~sevartil's illness in a newspaper. I am a law abiding person, but if the integrity of time and space is at risk, it has priority. I'll ask Syku'he to bring you to Sike!"

Half an hour later, Iha Syku and the three apes were in the train to Sike.

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem snatch victory from defeat

Match dat 13 and Jeruselem were two points behind Hockey Canada in Group 10 after getting beaten by One Red Dot 2-0. To make the next round of the World Cup XXXIII, they needed to win and hope the Dots won. Well, miracles can happen!

Firstly TnUI beat Kassyyk 2-0 to seal 2nd spot and remain unbeaten with 7 wins and 7 draws. In fact, TnUI did have the best defensive record conceding two goals in 14 games - well done.

Antarcticanada won a game, actually their second! They beat Spolotikopia 1-0 but still finished 7th anyway. Kassyyk were last with the worst goal difference.

It was down to One Red Dot vs Hockey Canada and Jeruselem vs Spaam. None of these teams are rookies and experienced World Cuppers.

Hockey Canada was hammered by One Red Dot 3-1 as expected and this did help Jeruselem. The dots finished top and disposed to the Canadians as a warning to other teams. With 9 wins and 5 draws they were also unbeaten, with 3 goals conceded in 14 games.

Who would be the 3rd best team? It was up to Jeruselem who played veterans Spaam. Once again, Jeruselem completed the last game dramas of last few world cups - they played their best game of WC XXXIIII ever beating Spaam 3-1 in a display which send Hockey Canada fans into depression. Spaam are never an easy opponent but Jeruselem showed it is not a has-been with it's surprisingly big win.

Jeruselem are the last day drama queens of soccer with history of last game flops and miracles.

Kassyyk 0 Total n Utter Insanity 2
Hockey Canada 1 One Red Dot 3
Spaam 1 Jeruselem 3
Antarcticanada 1 Spolotikopia 0


Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 32 9 5 0 21:3 18
2. Total n Utter Insanity 28 7 7 0 15:2 13
3. Jeruselem 24 7 3 4 14:8 6
4. Hockey Canada 23 7 2 5 13:12 1
5. Spaam 18 4 6 4 11:10 1
6. Spolotikopia 11 2 5 7 9:14 -5
7. Antarcticanada 10 2 4 8 5:17 -12
8. Kassyyk 4 0 4 10 4:26 -22

The Daily Druid

LEMON AID A SUCCESS
Bill Posters reports from The Hole

The Druidan shambles that was Lemon Aid seemed to pass on OK over the weekend. Trevor Trevor from Trevor Trevor and the Trevors stole the show, while Status Quo kinda rocked a bit more than we thought they would. It was the tribute acts had the desired effect to stop Druidans drinking - they were so bad, they actually threw FULL bottles at them, forcing the crowd to lose their drink at an alarming rate and, consequently, to sober up.

However, the real entertainment was still to come...

THE DEAD HAVE RISEN!
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Hypocria 0 Druida 2

The reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated!

Well, it might have been us that exaggerated them, but we all know from Druidan history that these kind of comebacks happen as soon as we write our team off. Many a time we've talked up Druidan teams, and time and again they've failed us. At the same time, as soon as they start failing us, they seem to come back. Perhaps they're just out to prove us wrong constantly.

The schedule of holding both games simultaneously went out the window because of the giant time difference with Raptor Claw, so it came to pass that Druida and Hypocria would play their game first.

In the early stages of the game, we didn't realise we'd be on for the most exciting finish to a campaign since the shooting of Tim Welsh at The Hole against Lykaia in World Cup 15, before his son scored from 35 yards to give NEWI Cefn Druids their first ever finals place. No, it seemed like the nil-nil curse was going to strike again. Both sides were going for it, both in need of a win to have any chance of advancing, but none seemed to be going right.

Then, the turning point. An injury to Trefor Defnyddiwch. Not good, to see half of Druida's most deadly strike partnership stretchered off midway through the second half. It meant that Trefor Edwards had to do something, and he did. Off came midfield battler Gareth Yr Dinistrydd, and Trefor Montenegro along with the injured Defnyddiwch, on coming the remaining two Jones brothers and Adrian Belmore.

The change was unbelievable. The play between the Joneses was as if they'd been playing together all their lives. To be honest, that could be because they have done, but that's not the point. The point was, it was something special. Attack after attack, Druida now looked a constant threat until, six minutes from the end, Dai Jones hit an overhead kick from his brother Liam's cross, and Druida led one-nil.

But it was two-nil that was needed. Druida were pushing and pushing, but not getting anywhere. It seemed like a lost cause when Hypocria had a corner deep into injury time, but Adrian Belmore broke away faster than a cheetah, running at the Hypocrians who'd stayed back. But the defending was all to no avail, Belmore striking the ball past Kinderlan in the goal to give Druida what they needed - a two goal win.

So Druida made it, the second time in a row where they have qualified with the least number of points. So again, not much is to be expected of the team in Rejistania or Eauz. What is to be expected is a hostile reception for the team wherever they may be going after some of the controvertial scenes in some of their earlier games.



Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po presents...
0-0 WATCH
International edition

Just two nil-nils to finish up on, one a sterling display from Liamist States to secure themselves a place in the finals, the other a dodgy 2-0 for the Bedistani team. But anyway, it's all over now. Hooray!

Villarica 0 Bedistan 0
Liamist States 0 Spurland 0



The final 0-0 table, then


Spruitland 7
Total n Utter Insanity 5
Krytenia 4
Prolaterian Pandas 4
Squornshelous 4
Druida 4
Spurland 4
Reichsdeutschland 3
Raptor Claw 3
Audioslavia 3
Crystilakere 3
Liverpool England 3
Oceaice 3
Kericia 3
Tichang 3
Lethislavania 3
One Red Dot 3
Turori 3
Haperd 3
Spaam 3
Milchama 3
Kipto-Mare 2
Five Civilized Nations 2
Lucianic 2
The Weegies 2
Cockbill Street 2
Robotopolis 2
Hypocria 2
Chicanada 2
Kylaai 2
Sonaron 2
Vilita 2
Invincible BoB 2
Caprine States 2
Nova Britannicus 2
Nedalia 2
Tonissia 2
EL CID THE HERO 2
Esrevistan 2
Oliverry 2
Spolotikopia 2
Jeruselem 2
Tramontina 2
Anarchist Canuckistan 2
Kassyyk 2
Antarcticanada 2
Bedistan 2
Liamist States 2
Garinas 1
Vtorbetin 1
Sarzonia 1
Bipedal Apes 1
Kutch 1
Commerce Heights 1
Lovisa 1
Kingsford 1
Buben 1
Nonesuch Street 1
Englerica 1
Harlesburg 1
Euroslavia 1
Artoonia 1
Riegab 1
Wella 1
Gaian Ascendancy 1
Finrods 1
Hockey Canada 1
Svecia 1
Fmjphoenix 1
Villarica 1
Starblaydia 0
Pedriana 0
Paul Sculthorpe fans 0
Oglethorpia 0
Tadjikistan 0
NEWI Cefn Druids 0
New Savio 0
Oaker 0
Bettia 0
Kajiztahn 0

Well Who'da Thunk It?

Audioslavia, despite having little backing from back home thanks to another freak power cut, have qualified unbeaten for the 23rd World Cup.

Region 5 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Audioslavia 36 11 3 0 21:4 17
2. Liverpool England 33 10 3 1 22:4 18
3. Liamist States 24 7 3 4 18:11 7
4. Spurland 21 5 6 3 20:10 10
5. Kingsford 15 4 3 7 9:15 -6
6. Invincible BoB 10 2 4 8 7:21 -14
7. Euroslavia 10 3 1 10 6:21 -15
8. NEWI Cefn Druids 7 2 1 11 5:22 -17

With thirteen goals, Jan-Arne Hellstrom has marked himself out to be a class Audioslavian striker along with the greats of Bracken, O`Malley and De La Rocha. Goalkeeper Gabe Celta has also been commended for his great achievement of conceding just two goals in fourteen games, with James Walsh being the man 'twixt the sticks for the other two.

We'll be here with all the action from the World Cup Finals in three months time, once we smack the national grid upside the head.

IBJJ,GNB

Maybe Next Time



Hypocria 0 – 2 Druida



It was a case of so near and yet so far for Hypocria as they went into the final matchday needing a home win over Druida and a Raptor Claw victory in Chicanada to qualify for the World Cup finals at the first attempt.

It was Guylain N’Dungu-Nsungu’s strongest eleven that took the field at the Hyppodrome, to rapturous applause from Hypocrian fans and a large number of Bettians who had crossed the border to support their neighbours.

The first half had plenty of attacking play between two sides who both needed the win but very little in the way of clear cut chances. Nerves seemed to get the better of players at the end of sweeping attacking moves, passes went astray, crosses went too high and what few shots there were went either wide or straight at the keeper. On 27 minutes one of these chances, the Hyppo’s best of the match, came and went. Poskas made a great run down the left before squaring the ball into the box, a defender failed to cut it out, and Andrei Shirko dragged his shot wide.

Midway through the second half Druida frontman Trefor Defnyddiwch was stretchered off. The coach made a triple change which proved to be the turning point of the match as after that the Druida attacks came in waves. One of the three subs, Liam Jones, broke down the flank and delivered a great cross into the box which his brother Dai converted with a spectacular overhead kick. It was 1 – 0 to Druida, suddenly that World Cup place seemed a very long way away. Still the Druids pushed forward but found Ricardo Kindelan in fine form.

A rare Hypocria attack, deep in stoppage time, produced a corner. Veron swung it in but it was headed clear to Druida sub Adrian Belmore. Belmore immediately sped towards the Hypocria goal leaving defenders trailing in his wake. He advanced on Kindelan, took aim and placed to ball just inside the post to wrap up what would turn out to be a vital three points for the Rainbows.

The final whistle blew and despite the defeat the crowd stood as one to applaud their players. It was clear they appreciated the work of the, soon to be out of contract, coach too as a chant of “four more years, four more years” echoed around the stadium. Sure enough, after the match Hypocria’s experienced Starblaydi coach put pen to paper on a new four year deal.


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake
7. Petras (replaced by 18. Powell, 70)
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
14. Drakes
20. West
21. Veron (replaced by 10. Liberda, 67)


Elsewhere in the group Chicanada beat Raptor Claw 2 – 1 at home in the other huge final group game. The result sends the Kodiaks through and Druida’s superior goal difference after their win sends them through too at the expense of Raptor Claw who actually started the day in second place.

In the other games Sarzonia took their tally to a huge 40 points after they brushed Tonissia aside by 3 goals to nil and Kajiztahn moved above Tonissia into sixth after a 1 – 0 home win over winless Lucianic, who stay bottom with just 3 points from 13 games.


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 40 13 1 0 39:1 38
2. Chicanada 25 7 4 3 14:8 6
3. Druida 23 6 5 3 16:7 9
4. Raptor Claw 23 6 5 3 17:9 8
5. Hypocria 19 5 4 5 17:16 1
6. Kajiztahn 10 2 4 8 9:30 -21
7. Tonissia 9 1 6 7 7:19 -12
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 11 4:33 -29

The Honour Roll for World Cup XXIII

The latest round of World Cup qualifying has brought its usual share of outstanding performances and nightmarish outings for the 80 teams that attempted to qualify for World Cup XXIII in Rejistania or Eauz. Below are the list of honourees for extraordinarily brilliant or awful performances:

The Jeremy Jaffacake Award for Most Goals Sarzonia. With a tally of 39 goals, the Stars easily outdistanced the rest of the field. No other team scored even 30 goals and they were held scoreless once, by Raptor Claw in a 0-0 draw.

The Waldo's Mom's House Award for Fewest Goals Scored Reichsdeutschland. In 14 World Cup qualifying matches, Reichsdeutschland only managed two goals. Do they even know what it's like to put the ball in the back of the net?

The Syku Lyku Award for Fewest Goals Allowed Sarzonia. Combined with their offensive exploits, the Stars defence also held up, allowing one goal, to Raptor Claw. The team's plus-38 goal differential far outpaced second place Starblaydia's plus-25.

The Margaret Award for Most Goals Conceded Riegab With 36 goals allowed in 14 matches, this bunch played like a bunch of weekend footballers in the backline.

The Treading Water Award for Worst Goal Differential Riegab. At minus-33, Riegab was arguably the worst team in the tournament.

The Alan Belmore Award for Most Points, Team Sarzonia. The Stars racked up 40 standings points with only the draw against Raptor Claw preventing the Stars from securing the full 42.

The 'Thank You Sir, May I Please Have Another' Award for Fewest Points, Team Paul Sculthorpe fans. One point. One frickin' point.

The Team To Watch Out For Award Turori. In their World Cup football swan song, the Eels are our pick to win the whole shebang.

The Fall From Grace Award Sarzonia. By the time the quarterfinal matches have played, the Stars will have begun to pack their bags for the return to Woodstock.

The Promising Newcomers Award Bipedal Apes. With a .500 record (5-4-5) and some strong RPing, this team will be a force to reckon with before long. Honourable mention to Hypocria as a Baptism of Fire champion.

Biggest Shockers
*Sarzonia were THE dominant team of the World Cup qualifying efforts. We thought the Stars were good, but not THAT good.
*Raptor Claw misses out on the Finals in spite of giving Sarzonia more trouble than anyone.
*Kylaai finally advances to the World Cup Finals after seemingly taking up permanent residence in the Cup of Harmony.
*Turori will make their final appearance as a World Cup side.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Closest finish in history?

Firstly, we'd like to apologize for the erroneous report of the Villarica match in yesterday's edition of the BSD. The reporter was apparently sore about the Bedistani team's complete inability to play anything resembling the game of football, or any other game for that matter. Those responsible for the report have been sacked.

That said, the results of the final matchday were just barely enough to see Bedistan finish on top of the qualifying table for only the second time since World Cup 17. Indeed, a closer finish has never been seen in any Bedistani group, and possibly in the World Cup as a whole:

Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Bedistan 31 9 4 1 28:5 23
2. Tadjikistan 31 10 1 3 25:6 19
3. Five Civilized Nations 31 9 4 1 23:9 14
4. Bipedal Apes 19 5 4 5 15:18 -3
5. Oglethorpia 19 6 1 7 14:17 -3
6. Tichang 9 2 3 9 7:23 -16
7. Villarica 9 2 3 9 9:27 -18
8. Finrods 8 2 2 10 3:19 -16

Yes, you read that right. All of the top three are separated by nothing more than goal difference. In addition to that, Bipedal Apes gets a highly impressive fourth-place finish over Oglethorpia on goals scored. Plus the bottom three are all quite close, with Finrods getting the wooden spoon (not to be confused with The Daily Druid's Karelan Wooden Spoon) by a single point.

So what about the World Cup proper? If qualifying is any indication, Sarzonia should defend their title with a 7-0-0 record and approximately zero goals conceded. Most are skeptical, though.

"Let's be honest, Sarzonia had no opposition in qualifying," said a fan in Fjordalen. "They had Druida and Chicanada in their group, and that's it. Chicanada's still up-and-coming, and Druida's struggled for decades. Raptor Claw puts up decent numbers more through luck than anything else. Hypocria is admittedly a team to watch out for, but they're still on the rise too and are not yet any kind of threat to Sarzonia. If Sarzonia and Bedistan had switched places in qualifying, we'd have finished with forty points too, and the Stars would've qualified in third. Defending champs or not, they're not all they're cracked up to be."

Of course, the Stars did knock the Lions out of World Cup 22 in the semifinals, but as we all know, one game is never enough to make an adequate comparison. Fans are enthusiastic about this campaign and many feel that Bedistan will take back the World Cup just as quickly as they lost it.

In an impromptu press conference, Spruitland Minister of Sports Olav Nett has reacted sharply to the “Honour Roll” awards list released by the Sarzonian Football Association.

“No, we don’t care that we didn’t win an award,” a trembling Olav Nett said. “Although we should have won at least two, and perhaps an honorable mention or three. But that’s not the issue here. The issue is this.”

Upon which the Minister drew open a curtain, revealing a three feet tall, sparkingly polished trophy – an all too familiar sight for everyone in the room.

“This, dear Sarzonians, is the Baptism of Fire trophy. Pretty, ain’t it? And, no, we did not steal it from the Hypocrians, who – may I add – wouldn’t have been able to win it if they had been the only team participating in the competition.”

“We have won this trophy fair and square, and it would be greatly appreciated if the people of Sarzonia would stop confusing us with a sub-standard team like Hypocria, as that is just a grave insult.”

“To make sure they won’t forget, the Minister of Foreign Affairs and myself have decided that the best way to get the message across will be a mass mailing campaign. A picture of Cor Bensen – the Baptism of Fire winning coach – and Dirk Jools – Spruitland’s Baptism of Fire topscorer, standing next to this very Baptism of Fire trophy, with a big banner above them saying BAPTISM OF FIRE WINNERS, will be snail mailed to every known address and triple-sent to every known email address in Sarzonia. We hope that’ll do the trick. Thank you very much.”

The leader of Eauz sat in the dark of his house, wondering what the future had in store for the now weakened Axis powers of the World Cup. He searches for answers, and decided to give a secret phone call to priest Haxada, in Rejistania.

-Hadjide Haxada'he!, or however one greets people in your country…

-Hejida comrade'he!, you really need to take some lessons in our language.

-Someday, comrade, someday… But in the meantime, we’ve got much more important issues to discuss. The Axis powers have become weakened, with the loss of HockeyCanada in the qualifying rounds. We are down to two Karela supporters out of 30 teams.

-We do though, have an advantage, that all matches will be played under the influence of Karela. Do not give up faith in the powers of Karela…

-I have sat here for sometime this evening, and I do believe that to ensure a strong Axis power, we must ensure loyalty to each other. A sort of… how does one say… njasen? It may also strengthen the powers of Karela

-Oh, my, my friend, you seem to have been working on our language. A pact does sound reasonable.

-Wonderful, I will get my people here to work on one, and send you a copy. If you are in agreement with it, we shall sign it in Bruzze, call it “The Pact of Bruzze”…

-Good, I shall be in contact with you soon then… Remember, we must defend against the evil takilan spirit… va viije

Alex Scott, head of Hypocria’s Football Association, knew that huge satellite dish on the roof of his house had been money well spent. With it he could get almost every channel in the region and thanks to it he had watched Spruitland’s Minister of Sport, Olav Nett and his farcical press conference.

He had to fight fire with fire and so he called his own impromptu press conference.

“Ladies and gentleman look at the rankings, Sarzonia are the number one team in the world, the whole world. When it comes to football I think it’s fair to say that they know what they’re talking about.” He paused for dramatic effect.

“Clearly they watched the Baptism of Fire as they’ve correctly decided that Spruitland didn’t deserve to win that or anything else, expect perhaps a large wooden spoon. I mean they are officially the most boring team around. Seven goalless draws, seven! Football is meant to be about artistry, about skill. Not about boring the opposition into submission.” Another dramatic pause.

“I thank the Sarzonian media for recognising how truly undeserving Spruitland were, and still are for that matter, in their symbolic awarding of the Baptism of Fire to our great nation. One last pause.

“And one other thing. Sub-standard? We’re sub-standard? When AOCAF IX kicks off we’ll see whose sub-standard.”

[OOC: Note than any and all insults herein are solely IC. OOCly, I didn't realise you had won the Baptism of Fire Cup and wasn't as familiar with your writing as I am with Hypocria's since I played in his group. But I am impressed with what I have seen of your writing. :)]

To: Olav Nett
Minister of Sports, Spruitland
From: Jimmy Marshall
Vice President for Health and Athletics, Sarzonia
Subject: Your reaction to the media comments

We have no need for you to parade around the Baptism of Fire Cup trophy you say you've won. We have our own Baptism of Fire Cup trophy that we're very proud of, thank you very much. Secondly, your electronic attack on our servers will be met with severity of any confirmed case of Internet hacking within Sarzonia. Any shipments or airlifted supplies from Spruitland will be turned away at the border. Any attempt to circumvent the above will be met with diplomatic and economic penalties the likes of which would send your puny little country to ruin along with its pathetic attempts to play System Karela.

Playing seven nil-nil draws out of 14 matches does not show promise. It does not show anything but a dull, lifeless brand of football. We have played Hypocria three times, including twice in World Cup qualifying. It's safe to say that they were far tougher competition for us, the number one ranked team in the world, than your sorry-arsed little team of weekend footballers could ever hope to be.

Come back and talk to me when you've had a chance to earn your way into the World Cup finals. Until then, just find some putrid little hole to crawl into and cry your hearts out whilst we play in the Finals. Have a nice day.

“These bananas taste funny.”

“Huh?”

“Bananas taste funny!”

Pigpiggie momentarily stopped stuffing his face to sniff at the banana Wonktickle was holding out to him. Shrugging his shoulders, he took a bite out of it.

“Hey!”

“What?”

“That mine!”

“So don’t hold it under my nose.”

“I wanted you smell it, not eat it.”

“They taste fine to me,” Zung interjected between bites.

It was the first proper meal the apes had had in weeks: a whole platterful of bananas and mangoes brought to them by the nice human with the funny braided hair. She-- or he-- didn’t speak any Bipedaleen, but he-- or she-- had kindly fingerprinted them and shown them the strange white receptacles that provided running water-- right there in the room without any pumping or buckets!-- and served in place of a poop-bush. Though none of the apes could remember which receptacle was for which purpose, and at least one of them had apparently gone in the wrong one, because the room was beginning to stink.

“I still say bananas taste funny,” grumbled Wonktickle, jealously shoving them into his mouth anyway, before someone else could eat his share.

The door opened and another human came in. She made a nasty face and seemed to complain about the stench. The apes looked sheepishly at their toes. She made a show of pushing down on a silver handle attached to the side of the smell-making receptacle, which caused it to belch loudly and through some miracle of clever human engineering, devour the poop that floated inside. Impressed, the ape applauded. The human shook her head, said something in Rejistanian, and left the room. A moment later she stuck her head back in, said something else, and motioned exaggeratedly for the apes to follow her.

She led them down the hall to a room with a table and five wooden chairs. Three of these she indicated for the apes to occupy. Another human entered, carrying a sophisticated metal-and-plastic machine with two rotating circles inside it and a long tail that ended in a black ball. She placed the ball in the center of the table, facing the apes, then sat across from them.

When she spoke, it was in so strong a Rejistanian accent they could barely understand. “Names, please?”

“Pigpiggie.”

“Zung.”

“Wonktickle.”

“Nationality?”

“RBA,” Pigpiggie answered for the group.

“RBA?”

“Republic of Bipedal Apes,” he explained.

“Why do you have no papers?”

“Papers?”

“Papers. Identification. Visas. Passports.”

“Um...”

“How did you get to Rejistania?”

“By banana boat. ‘Course.”

“You know that is illegal?”

“Um...”

“What is your occupation?”

“Weaver.”

“Weaver?”

“Weaver.”

“You make cloth?”

“That right.”

“All three of you, you’re weavers?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

“And footie players.”

“Footie?”

“Football,” Pigpiggie elaborated. “World Cup.”

The human seemed somewhat taken aback at this. She spoke rapidly to the one who had guided them to the room, and then quickly left.

“She forgot machine,” Pigpiggie commented. Wonktickle shrugged. He was rolling a spliff of peels from the bananas they’d just eaten.

“You think it okay to smoke here?” he asked.

“Dunno,” Pigpiggie replied. “Light up and find out.”

Wonktickle gave it a shot. As it turned out, it was not all right to smoke in there. Moments later, the apes were back in their cell, sans spliff. They settled in to wait.

SFA President Martin Backer was in Minister of Sports Olav Nett’s office when the message arrived, and he kinda wished he was somewhere else. He hadn’t been in the nation’s capital when the Minister had chosen to arrange a press conference in response to a minor error in a Sarzonian communiqué, which could just as well have been the result of an overworked typesetter.

Backer hadn’t even been aware of what had happened until he got an angry call from Cor Bensen, the Wabbits’ coach, refusing to leave the training camp for “a ridiculous photo shoot”. Not that he could blame him. Dirk Jools had gladly obliged though, so now several million printed photos of a flexing Jools next to the BoF trophy were stacked all throughout the Ministry. A typical Spruitland way of solving a problem that really wasn’t one. The Hypocrians had already responded fiercely, and this message from the Sarzonians wasn’t likely to be a profuse and humble apology either.

“Janine, get me the Minister of Defense on the line,” he heard Nett say, and that woke him up from his brooding. Backer quickly leaned forward over the Minister’s desk and pressed the intercom.

“Janine, belay that!”

“Now look here, Martin, this is my office, and –”

“And as long as you use it to watch tv or hold auditions for the national cheerleader team, that’s all fine with me, but stay the hell away from anything even remotely important, Olav. Especially if it concerns foreign affairs. You stink at it.”

There was a time when Backer would not have dreamed about speaking like this to the man who was technically his superior, but that was a thing of the past. He had built up enough credit with the public – especially since winning the BoF – to make it very difficult for him to be fired without ample justification. And having a big mouth was hardly a negative thing in Spruitland. Dirk Jools was, after all, the most popular player of the national team.

“But we can’t just let this pass!” Nett cried out, waving the Sarzonian message around. “You should see the insults in here! They act like they’ve won the World Cup or something!”

“They have won the World Cup, Olav,” Backer said. He snatched the message from the Minister’s hands and started reading.

“Oh. Well that’s still no reason to insult us like that! They called our football lifeless and dull!”

“That’s a bit harsh indeed,” Backer winced, skipping to that section of the message.

“They even accused us of playing Karelan, Martin! Us! Didn’t they see our matches!? Don’t they realize we played as offensively as it gets, but just failed to score goals!?”

“Yes, well, that’s not exactly a vindication, now is it? Besides, we did play rather defensively in a few games there.”

“Only in the end, to win the Spoon! Any team in our position would have done the same!”

“Alright alright, but can we try to solve this without involving the Defense Department, perhaps? What did you have in mind anyway? Loading a bunch of pitchfork-armed farmers into rowing boats to go invade them until they apologize?”

“I just… I don’t know! That’s not my department!” Nett stubbornly said, but the point had clearly gotten across. “So what do you suggest then?”

“Well, that’s not my department,” Backer replied, but with a smile to keep the sting out of it. He hooked a thumb in the direction of the stacks of boxes against the wall. “Did you send out any of those yet?”

“Just a few dozen. We ran out of stamps and the post office was closed.”

“Okay, don’t send out any more. Put a few interns on it, have them scribble some indistinguishable signature on the pictures, and sell them as football memorabilia. Hit the foreign markets as well, there’s always some losers that go crazy about stuff like that. What about the emails?”

“Those, I’m afraid, are sent. Or, well, part of them, at least. We got to about 10% of all known Sarzonian email addresses when our computer network severely crashed. Nobody knows why, they’re still trying to fix it.”

“Serves you right,” Backer said, getting up from his seat. “And needless to say, don’t send any more emails when it does get fixed. With a little luck, there won’t be any more consequences.” He started to leave the office.

“But what about this message?” the Minister called after him. “What do I reply? I’d like to tell them to stick their World Cup where the sun don’t shine, but I suppose that wouldn’t be –”

“No, indeed it wouldn’t be,” Backer said firmly. “Whatever you reply, use diplomacy. And I don’t mean the kind of diplomacy that got this mess started in the first place. Try to – You know what, on second thought, just don’t reply at all. That’s probably safest.”

And with that, Backer left the office, leaving the Minister to contemplate the situation. And after a few seconds of consideration, the Minister decided that not replying would be rude. So he started to write a message, making sure to be thoroughly diplomatic.


To: Jimmy Marshall
Vice President for Health and Athletics, Sarzonia
From: Olav Nett
Minister of Sports, Spruitland
Subject: Re.: Your reaction to the media comments

Dear Mr. Vice President,

Let me start with congratulating the fellow-BoF-winning nation of Sarzonia with its victory in the World Cup, four years ago. That was a marvelous performance, and the rumors about shady officials and bribed referees, resulting in a silly team like Oaker making it all the way to the final to give you an easy win, certainly doesn’t put a blemish on it.

We realize the remarks in your message, some of which were just a tad astringent, mainly stem from ignorance, so we will not hold them against you. Spruitland First Division matches are regularly played on Wednesdays, for instance, which clearly disproves your belief that we would be “weekend footballers”.
We hope we will soon get a chance to make you more acquainted with the level of football in Spruitland, and we anxiously await the moment when our teams will be drawn against each other – perhaps in World Cup 24 Qualifying or the Under-21 World Cup – so we can correct your misconception about Hypocria being the tougher opponent.

Until then, let me assure you that there are no hard feelings from our side, and we would, for instance, definitely not be gloating if Sarzonia were to be knocked out in the first or second round of the upcoming World Cup Finals, since that wouldn’t be very sportsmanlike of us.

Sincerely,
Olav Nett

Fmjphoenix keeps the Golden Cafetiere and qualifies for World Cup Finals

With a very solid 4-1 victory over Krytenia that the Caleys don't seem to remember, the Vikings managed to keep hold of the Golden Cafetiere until the end of qualification in World Cup 24. The excitement of keeping the Cafetiere didn't even phaze the Vikings, nor its fans as they lost the final against Kipto-Mare and losing a chance at a second place finish, but they still finished third and will return to the World Cup finals.

meh more later. no sleep in past two days

To: Olav Nett
Minister of Sports, Spruitland
From: Mike Sarzo
President, Incorporated States of Sarzonia
Subject: Your response to Vice President Marshall

First of all, let me take this opportunity to express my regret over the factual error in the Woodstock Daily Mail's report of the Baptism of Fire tournament. However, in response to your other perjorative comments, I find that we have no reason to regret them. If you were even slightly familiar with the term "weekend footballer", you would realise that it does not have a literal connotation of a person who plays footie on the weekend. It is an epithet referring to a player with a lack of skill who can only play on weekends in leagues where the level of competition is rather lacking.

Secondly, the Sarzonian national team have not faced you in footie [OOC: Since the Ts'kinvali Cup seems to have died], so we have only our scouting reports to base our estimations of your footballing prowess. We have faced Hypocria thrice including two matches in the World Cup qualifying just concluded. As such, we can comfortably make an assessment of their quality. They have consistently played at a high level; higher, in fact than your team have played. While your media do a terrific job of blanket coverage of your team, the media do not don kits and play 90 minute matches.

Your statement of not gloating in the event of Sarzonian defeat in the World Cup Finals does not impress me or anyone else in the Cabinet. You may not harbour ill feelings toward us, but we have a low estimation of you.

Carry on.

ymeti'tan rejistaniha: (Rejistanian efficiency) ironical term meaning 'nothing works as planned'. But despite the utter chaos, in which things sometimes work in Rejistania, things get done.
(dictionary of rejistanian slang)

"Siiiiiiiikiiiiii!" shouted a voice far too early in the morning he replied with a 'nice term' in his native language and turned around. The voice did not stop however and started shouting that today was the group draw. Oops! No data, no files! Additionally, his program needed to be re-compiled (and most likely re-written) for the older ADVANSID-computer. He needs a miracle! He rolled from his bed to his computer, unlocked the screen by typing his password and started evaluating data, creating tables, re-compiling code. The time was running out, but he could not finish in time...

Siki Rej woke up. That was a horrible nightmare! He checked his calendar... 1 week to the group draw. he needed one day to finish what he wanted to do. This draw will not end as 'efficient' as the previous one.

A week later, Siki Rej and a group of ASR officials were on the way to KaMaRi kali. The group draw would take place in the Desnike city hall, coincidentally or not near the suburb called 'Karela kalesa'. In KaMaRi, rejistanian efficiency stroke: taxi-drivers and the intra-city public transport were on strike. People had to walk, to drive themselves or to find a free riksha to get to the location. Reporters of the Sikenian daily were 'efficient' by using the emergency brake of a kali mesit train from Jinhes to Hetkali when the train was in Desnike. To put a long story short: the group draw went well, but most FAs received the groups by mail (on paper).

The groups are:

Group A:
Sarzonia
Audioslavia
Commerce Heights
Chicanada

Group B:
Crystilakere
Krytenia
Svecia
Harlesburg

Group C:
Turori
Oaker
One Red Dot
Five Civilized Nations

Group D:
Rejistania
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Fmjphoenix

Group E:
Bedistan
Cockbill Street
Total n Utter Insanity
Liamist States

Group F:
Starblaydia
Tadjikistan
Liverpool England
Lethislavania

Group G:
Druida
Vilita
Lovisa
The Weegies

Group H:
Squornshelous
Eauz
Nova Britannicus
Kylaai


Schedule:
MD1: 1 vs 4, 2 vs 3
MD2: 1 vs 3, 2 vs 4
MD3: 1 vs 2, 3 vs 4

Fmjphoenix drawn into Group D. First matchup with Rejistania awaited

The group draws for the World Cup XXIII Finals were drawn today in Rejistania. People across Fmjphoenix were watching with anticipation, waiting to see where the Vikings would be placed. Then this came through on the news:

Group D:
Rejistania
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Fmjphoenix

Screams could be heard all over Fmjphoenix. There have been a lot of mixed feelings about the draw. First is the fact that the Vikings have never faced off against any of these teams in the World Cup. This will be the first matchup with all of them. We think that most people are worried about the match waiting to happen against Rejistania. It will be a classic fight of Karela against Takil. We are awaiting information to come out from Rejistania about where the Vikings will be playing at so they can prepare to head out and get a feel for the country they have never been to. Rumors are that tens of thousands of fans are getting ready to fly out to Rejistania so they can witness the matches in person, especially the one against the hosts.

There have also been rumors about a possible government mission in Rejistania to try and gain more information about the Hexatux. There had been a previous mission to try and convert the Hexatux into an attacking standard, but Fmjphoenix coders had not been able to hide it well enough to run its program before it was found by the Karelan monks. It is not known what is planned, but we expect to find out soon enough.

...After a while of discussion, Kansu summarized: "Okay, you came here to search the ones responsible for the group draw of the soccer world cup 23 because a certain S~verokh~sevartil (Throckspartle) is suffering from head-ouchies and you think someone 'zapped his brain'?"
They nodded. ...

OOC: I just realized that after I read Rejis' reply to my previous post, but before I wrote the following post, Rejis edited, advancing the story somewhat. Fortunately, Rejis' edit is in keeping with my following post, except that the apes seem to have travelled back in time (perhaps that's appropriate, considering). At any rate, the ball is obviously in my court to continue things, which I shall do, later in the day. Apologies to Rejistania and anyone who may be following the story.

Ashley Standard

Welcome To The Finals?
Kodiaks Expected To Struggle In Group A.

Well...at least we made the final 32.

Chicanada's inagural run in the World Cup Finals could be a very painful one, as the Kodiaks run up against Sarzonia, Audioslavia and Commerce Heights to try and make the Round of 16...which should be a very impressive event should they work their way out of this one.

The trip to Rejistania should be eventful, the National Coach said to the press today after the draw was revealed, for "it will give us a real chance to see how Chicanadan Football is advancing compared to the best nations of the world."

Chicanada was lucking in only giving up three goals against Sarzonia this round of qualifying, and if history is correct the Kodiaks pulled off a shocker against Audioslavia in their home turf during XXII's qualifying. Of course they lost the match played at home, but we'll take a 1-0-3 record against those two for now. The wild card for the Kodiaks will be Commerce Heights, who the Kodiaks have not faced yet.

Most press in Chicanada have Sarzonia and Audioslavia advancing, with the Ashley Standard, Cana Daily Press, Northern Times and Easten Daily all having the Kodiaks placing last. The Chicanada Sun, Southern Sky News and Canal Press having the Kodiaks in third - and the Sun is willing to say the Kodiaks are the dark horse of the tournament for they have already acomplished their goal of reaching the finals.

The Kodiaks will start off with Sarzonia, followed by Audioslavia and then Commerce Heights.

Ashley's analysis of the other groups:

Group B:
Crystilakere
Krytenia
Svecia
Harlesburg
- This is an interesting mash-up. Any could advance, but the Standard is liking Svecia and Harlesburg right now to move on.

Group C:
Turori
Oaker
One Red Dot
Five Civilized Nations
- In Turori's swan song, expect them to make the Round of 16 along with the 5CN. One Red Dot could be the surprise of this grouping.

Group D:
Rejistania
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Fmjphoenix
- an the hosts advance? Considering their defensive manouvers, they just might at the behest of Jeruselem. We expect EL CID to easly move on.

Group E:
Bedistan
Cockbill Street
Total n Utter Insanity
Liamist States
- Our friends the Liamist States make their first final as well, but we think they will be joining the Kodiaks on the sidelines while TnUI and Cockbill Street move on.

Group F:
Starblaydia
Tadjikistan
Liverpool England
Lethislavania
- Starblaydia might as well punch their cards to the next round, and take Liverpool England with them. Tadjikistan played some great ball but it looks more like the Blaydes and Englanders will be taking this group.

Group G:
Druida
Vilita
Lovisa
The Weegies
- Druida, the lucky team, should move on with Vilita from this grouping. Lovisa could make a run and The Weegies are dangerous sleeper threat but the Rainbows are playing some great ball to sneak in ahead of Raptor Claw.

Group H:
Squornshelous
Eauz
Nova Britannicus
Kylaai
- The other hosts might not be so lucky, as Nova Britannicus and Squornshelous look to be the winners of this group. Eauz and Kylaai will be playing spoiler and either could advance from here.

Predicted champion as of right now...Sarzonia. The Stars are playing some mean ball.
Predicted cinderella...Druida. They finally got their game together and could shock some people.
Prectided bomb-out...Crystilakere. Don't ask us why, we're just not sold on them yet.
Team we'd be shocked to see move on...Chicanada. Yeah, we're easy like that.
Team we won't be shocked to see not make it...Rejistania. All-defense will carry them but three other teams will be playing for goals. Three ties won't be enough to move them on.

'F' is for Fu-Fu-Funkadelic
Chronicle uses most-odd title in its history

Somehow, fantastically, Starblaydia have been seeded by whatever committee that does these things as the most-likely to progress from Group F. Something a little special, you might agree, when you have former World Champions (though no-one living quite remembers this properly, but it's written down somewhere) Liverpool England and former 100%-win-record-in-qualifying (though no-one living quite believes this is true, but it's written down somewhere) Tadjikistan.

Lethislavania, whoever they are, will be the first team to test Starblaydia's newly-re-ranked mettle in this, the 23rd World Cup Finals. The boys are back in town, twenty years after appearing in Eauz in the World Cup 18 Finals.

"It's an excellent situation to be in," said Nikola Lazerevski, Starblaydi Manager, "to be considered as the best team in this Group is no mean feat, but it does mean they'll all be trying to shoot us down."

Group F:
Starblaydia
Tadjikistan
Liverpool England
Lethislavania

Eauz Football Association & Rejistanian Officials kicked off the 23rd World Cup with an amazing ceremony in both countries. A few of the spectators who attended the ceremonies said that they could feel the powers of Karela as they sat in the stadiums where each ceremony was being held. As one Eauzian fan said: “It’s odd, that I feel it, especially in Eauz, as Eauz has never been a major karelan team, though they have been sympathetic towards it. To start off the Eauzian ceremony, an ex-Starblaydian citizen, now living in Eauz sang “Back in the USSE”, as this will be the 3rd time the cup has been co-hosted by Eauz. Though, Eauz doesn’t usually call itself “The United Socialist States of Eauz”, it was a good tribute nonetheless. In Rejistania, the ceremonies promoted the recent religious revolution in their country, and continued to spread the word of “Karela”. There were, though some fans who threw things on the playing field, in protest against the karelan system…

The draw for the cup was recently done, and most recently, the schedule for the cup. Below are the groups separated into each region, along with the schedule for each Group:

Stadium Information: Eauz (http://www.angelfire.com/co4/eauz/std-eauz.html) & Rejis (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8932343&postcount=3)

Groups Playing in Rejistania

Group A:
Sarzonia
Audioslavia
Commerce Heights
Chicanada

Group B:
Crystilakere
Krytenia
Svecia
Harlesburg

Group C:
Turori
Oaker
One Red Dot
Five Civilized Nations

Group D:
Rejistania
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Fmjphoenix


Group Playing in Eauz

Group E:
Bedistan
Cockbill Street
Total n Utter Insanity
Liamist States

Group F:
Starblaydia
Tadjikistan
Liverpool England
Lethislavania

Group G:
Druida
Vilita
Lovisa
The Weegies

Group H:
Squornshelous
Eauz
Nova Britannicus
Kylaai



Group A Schedule:

MD1: Sarzonia vs. Chicanada @ Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati
Audioslavia vs. Commerce Heights @ Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan

MD2: Sarzonia vs. Commerce Heights @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Audioslavia vs. Chicanada @ Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati

MD3: Sarzonia vs. Audioslavia @ Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan
Commerce Heights vs. Chicanada @ Estajie Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora

Group B Schedule:

MD1: Crystilakere vs. Harlesburg @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Krytenia vs. Svecia @ Estadije Hanin Sekhika

MD2: Crystilakere vs. Svecia @ Estadije Najajara Ynu
Krytenia vs. Harlesburg @ Estajie Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora

MD3 Crystilakere vs. Krytenia @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali
Svecia vs. Harlesburg @ Estadije Vaje~n Sekhika

Group C Schedule:

MD1: Turori vs. Five Civilized Nations @ Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan
Oaker vs. One Red Dot @ Estadije Hanin Sekhika

MD2: Turori vs. One Red Dot @ Estadije Vaje~n Sekhika
Oaker vs. Five Civilized Nations @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali

MD3: Turori vs. Oaker @ Estadije Hanin Sekhika
One Red Dot vs. Five Civilized Nations @ Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati

Group D Schedule:

MD1: Rejistania vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
EL CID THE HERO vs. Jeruselem @ Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati

MD2: Rejistania vs. Jeruselem @ Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan
EL CID THE HERO vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali

MD3: Rejistania vs. EL CID THE HERO @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Jeruselem vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Najajara Ynu

Group E Schedule:

MD1: Bedistan vs. Liamist States @ Bordeux
Cockbill Street vs. Total n Utter Insanity @ La Malédiction de Margaret

MD2: Bedistan vs. Total n Utter Insanity @ Le Stade d'Eauz
Cockbill Street vs. Liamist States @ La Colline

MD3: Bedistan vs. Cockbill Street @ Bordeux
Total n Utter Insanity vs. Liamist States @ Le Stade de Monteuz

Group F Schedule:

MD1: Starblaydia vs. Lethislavania @ Le Stade de Monteuz
Tadjikistan vs. Liverpool England @ La Malédiction de Margaret

MD2: Starblaydia vs. Liverpool England @ Le Temple de Karela
Tadjikistan vs. Lethislavania @ Parc des Mémoire

MD3: Starblaydia vs. Tadjikistan @ La Malédiction de Margaret
Liverpool England vs. Lethislavania @ La Colline

Group G Schedule:

MD1: Druida vs. The Weegies @ Socialism
Vilita vs. Lovisa @ La Malédiction de Margaret

MD2: Druida vs. Lovisa @ Le Stade d'Eauz
Vilita vs. The Weegies @ Bordeux

MD3: Druida vs. Vilita @ Socialism
Lovisa vs. The Weegies @ Le Temple de Karela

Group H Schedule:

MD1: Squornshelous vs. Kylaai @ Stade de Monteuz
Eauz vs. Nova Britannicus @ Bordeux

MD2: Squornshelous vs. Nova Britannicus @ La Colline
Eauz vs. Kylaai @ Socialism

MD3: Squornshelous vs. Eauz @ La Malédiction de Margaret
Nova Britannicus vs. Kylaai @ Le Temple de Karela

Time: 2:13AM
location: 634 Skinner street. (DH house)

Doomhammer is at his house deciding if he should pack his “Eauz WC18” hat or his “I was in Rejistania for WC16” T-shirt when the phone begins to ring. Doomhammer picks it up.

DH: hello?

SS: hi, it me. Just to let you know the groups are in and once again we face the hosts.

DH: again? how many times has happened?

SS: 3. Bedistan in WC18, Druida in WC20 and now Rejistania.

DH: how do we usually fair?

SS: it 2-nothing to us at the moment.

DH: Good. Who else in in the group?

SS: well theirs Jeruselem. They could be a bit a challenge. And Fmjphoenix who we should be defeat.

DH: ok then. It Seattle. I take the T-shirt then.

SS: you do that sir. Just get some sleep and be at the airport by noon. Goodnight.

DH: goodnight Sid.

S.Sam puts the phone down and turns to his computer.

SS: so Kirby. Any questions about the new laptop?

K: why is their so much porn on the hardrive?

SS: Question time has ended. Tell me what you know about Jeruselem?

K: finished bottom of group 4th in WC22 with only 1 point. And they are only here due to getting 1 more point than Hockey Canada. We should be able to win.

SS: good. And Rejistania?

K: long story short. From what I’ve found out its probably brown pants time. May I sagest tranquillise their goalkeeper or some such.

SS: I see… what about Fmjphoenix?

K: they have a funny name. No unnecessary caps or anything. Making fun of them should be al that is needed.

SS: perfect. Well. Best get you ready for customs. The show is about to begin.

Today’s headlines…

Marmadukes Draw Ex-World Champs, Cockbill St
Seems Like A Very Short Finals Road Ahead
Liam & Co Media

Liamists Told To Be Optimistic
Liamists Pummel Advice Giver
Liamist States Times

"We All Knew We Could Only Get This Far"
Bell Predicts Thumpings Ahead
"Will Leave Us In Good Stead For WC24"
Soccer Monthly

'Hard part begins' for Stars

Following a World Cup qualifying campaign that saw the Sarzonian national football team run through 14 matches with only one draw and one goal conceded (both to Raptor Claw), the Stars reacted to the group draw for the World Cup XXIII finals by saying it was as hard as they could have expected.

"We basically got the Group of Death," a grim looking Coach Dave Wilson said after the group draw was announced, putting the Stars in Group A with Audioslavia, Commerce Heights and Chicanada. "The hard part begins now.

"Audioslavia are former world champions. Commerce Heights are former world champions. We've never beaten Commerce Heights in five tries and we've only one draw in the two matches against Audioslavia. And Chicanada are an up and coming side. That's going to be a tough group to get out of."

The mood around the team's clubhouse was sombre, with team captain Darwin Russell getting a look that teammates described as "grim reaper."

"You see that look in his eyes," defender Trevor Crenshaw said. "He gets that look when he's determined."

"We're going to need every ounce of determination to win this group and hoist the World Cup again," Russell said. "No one's going to concede anything to us. We're going to have to fight harder than we ever have before."

Three apes sat in a pullman car that sped through the night. Outside the door was a human, in uniform, standing at attention. To keep them from escaping, apparently, though none of them had any thought of wandering about the moving train.

“Don’t feel good,” Wonktickle complained.

“Urgh,” Zung agreed, continuing to lean his face against the table.

“What wrong with you?” Pigpiggie asked.

“Don’t feel good,” Wonktickle replied. “Just said that.”

Pigpiggie drew on the spliff and then offered it surreptitiously to Zung, who failed to notice. “Zung.”

“What?”

“Want spliff?”

“Yeah.”

“Here.”

“Can’t move head.”

“What wrong with you guys?”

“Don’t feel good,” Wontickle said for the third time.

“Why not?”

“This building we in. It moving.”

“Yeah. So?”

“Make me sick.”

“Me too,” Zung murmured.

“Smoke some bananapeel, you feel better.”

“So gimme.”

“How I can do that when you won’t lift head off table?”

“If I lift head off table,” said Zung very slowly, his voice thick, “I barf all over you.”

“Ug.”

“You want that?”

“No.”

“Then leave me ‘lone.”

“Fine.”

“But gimme spliff.”

“How?!”

With exceeding care Zung turned his head until it rested on the right side, and his face was toward Pigpiggie. He made an O with his lips. Pigpiggie stuck the end of the joint inside.

“Tank,” Zung said around it.

“Just don’t let the human see you. She’ll take it away again.”

“Don’t feel good,” moaned Wonktickle.

“Where you think we’re going?” Pigpiggie mused.

“Don’t feel good.”

“Sounded like they got excited when we mentioned Ms. Throckspartle.”

“Don’t feel good!”

“You think they know her?”

“Don’t feel--” Wonktickle began, but got no further. The unfamiliar motion of the train was too much for him.

“Agh!” Pigpiggie yelled. “Stop barfing!”

But the command went unheeded, and soon they were faced with a conundrum: call in the guard and get caught with the spliff? Or live with a pool of Wonktickle spew on the floor? It wasn’t too hard a decision.

“Wait,” said Zung as Pigpiggie got up to fetch the guard.

“What?”

“Before you get guard, lemme eat roach. Otherwise, we lose it.”

“You can’t eat roach.”

“How come?”

“For one thing, it burning. For another, it way too big. We just lit it five minutes ago.”

Ignoring Pigpiggie’s wise words, Zung ate the roach. “Aiee!” he yelled. “That hot.”

“Guard!” Pigpiggie called. Though she didn’t speak their language, the human seemed to know when her presence was requested. She opened the door to the car in time to witness Zung’s digestive system rejecting the half-smoked cigarette. It was enough to make her slam the door shut again.

A few minutes later, a cleaning crew arrived and carted away the three pools of vomit (the stench by that time having made Pigpiggie lose stomach, as well). Without a spliff, it was going to be a long ride.

ooc: note to those who dont know me, these are backlogged previously unposted RP's starting with this report from MD1


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Vilita 2-0 Kutch
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Vilita Goalscorers::
2' Tanner Nerni
56' Tanner Nerni
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-------------------Helmut Vilkaous' Jungle Cats stepped on the pitch for the first time during World Cup 23 Qualifying against newcomers Kutch. While many Vilitan's were not terribly excited about the match, Yeaddin's Delain Falcón was boosted after being selected as starting keeper for the match ahead of regular Vilitan number one Jimmy Kater. There were no indications prior to the match that Kater would be sitting out, and Vilkaous fielded a fairly strong side, with the only other noticable absenses being Riccardo Appolloni and Inaki Soler, benched in favor of prospects Rueben Laberge and Julian Lisbie.

-------------------The There were only 27 travelling Kutch supporters at Lunar Park in Seraai, hosting it's first ever Vilitan World Cup Qualifying match in front of thousands of Eastal Lunar and Vilitan faithful. Former Eastal Lunar starlet Tanner Nerni got the home side off to a perfect start after collecting from Yeaddin's Daniel Oram and rocketing a powerful 25 yard effort that the Kutch Goalkeeper was never going to get to and just like that Vilita was up 1-0. Coach Vilkaous' smile quickly turned scornful however as Kutch responded with a series of aggressive attacks pushing the former World Champions deep into the defensive zone. Luckily Yeaddin's Delain Falcon was up to the task and the halftime score remained 1-0.

-------------------Coach Vilkaous, obviously displeased with his teams first half effort, bar the early goal from Nerni, made a pair of substitutions. Experienced defender Ricky Ezis, who was the butt of many announcers jokes in the early going made way for the youthful exhuberance of upstart Dene Shaw. While not having a terrible day, Daniel Oram was in the thick of the action and may have sustained a slight blow to the shin, making the decision that much easier for Vilkaous on how to introduce the ever-potent Inaki Soler into the match. Soler's influence was clear in turning the tide of the match back in favor of the Jungle Cats, and it was has fine work down the Right Flank that saw a crossing opportunity. Julian Lisbie rose highest and beat the keeper, only to watch the ball cannon downwards off the underside of the cross bar. Luckily first half scorer Nerni was lurking in the right spot to knee the ball slow-motionesque into the netting and counting for the second tally of the game, both under the column of the Jungle Cats and Nerni himself. Kutch's goalkeeper almost made a name for himself in the closing minutes of the second half, obviously he didnt quite make a name for himself because he has gone nameless in this report, but nonetheless he produced a series of fine saves to keep the scoreline down, but in the end, three points up for grabs and all three taken by the Vilita Jungle Cats.


Full Time Analysis:

Vilita

Best Player: Delain Falcón
Worst Player: Ricky Ezis
Shots on Target: 8
Corner Kicks: 13

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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Delain Falcón, [D] Ricky Ezis, [D] Andrea Lamberti, [D] Niccoló Mazzeo, [DMC] Daniel Oram, [ML] Tanner Nerni, [MC] Jonjo Hulyer, [MC] Rueben Laberge, [MR] Maurizio Sala, [FC] Callum Banda, [FC] Julian Lisbie,
BENCH::
[FC] Mauro Baraza, [FC] Riccardo Appolloni, [M] Sublé Tonic, [M] Inaki Soler, [U] Dene Shaw, [D] Tulio Arizmendi, [GK] Jimmy Kater,

Vilita Substitutions::
(45) - Ricky Ezis >>> Dene Shaw
(45) - Daniel Oram >>> Inaki Soler

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Vilita 2-0 Gaian Ascendency
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Vilita Goalscorers::
37' Inaki Soler
77' Callum Banda

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-------------------It was becoming an all too familiar site for the Vilitan faithful. Much in the shape of the rivalries that coincide with the running of the AOCAF Regional Competition, the Vilita Jungle Cats had been drawn yet again with their friendly rivals from the Gaian Ascendency. In fact, throughout the entire history of the Gaian Ascendency, they have never gone a World Cup Qualifying campaign without having to face Vilita. After a strong showing in the Pre-World Cup 21 Baptism of Fire Cup, held in Vilita, The Gaian Ascendancy was handed a taste of the real world of football after being drawn with then defending World Cup Champions, Vilita. The teams first met in the Gaian Ascendency, where goals from Riccardo Appolloni and defender Ricky Ezis ended the first chapter of what would become a long growing tradition 2-0 in favor of the World Champions. The return leg saw the match played in Vilita, and saw the Gaian Ascendency record their first ever goal against the Jungle Cats. it would, however, be their only goal of the much, as Vilita once again cruised to victory with 2 goals from Appolloni following an early Maurizio Sala freekick, with Vilita going on to top the group with a 9-1-0 record and two for two from the Ascendency.

-------------------When the draw for World Cup 22 Qualifying groups was made, it was a relatively obscure affair for Vilita. Being told they would have to travel to newcomers Bestiville and Davistand, and long-time Cup of Harmony residents Slaikau and Kylaai, it was perhaps with a shimmer of excitement that Vilita found themselves once again paired with the Gaian Ascendancy. This time, in Vilita, neither team would find their way onto the scoresheets and Vilita were held to a draw for the first time against their up and coming counterparts. The Jungle Cats came back fighting in spirit however winning an exciting 3-2 scoreline in the Gaian Ascendancy with Riccardo Appolloni netting his 4th goal in the four game history between the two sides for the game winner. Appolloni's goal followed earlier goals by Mauro Baraza and Inaki Soler, as Vilita would go on to conclude their second straight unbeaten World Cup Qualifying campaign on their way back to the finals.

-------------------Fast forward back to World Cup 23 Qualifying, and sure enough the Gaian Ascendancy sticks out amongst the opposition for the Jungle Cats in the qualifying stage. While some will note the importance of the matches against Svecia, former rivals of the Vilitan nation, no other nation can claim as current a rivalry with the Jungle Cats the nthe Ascendancy themselves. The match took place in the Ascendancy, but surprisingly Riccardo Appolloni was left on the bench in favor of youngster Tika Massa. Returning to the starting lineup was Goalkeeper Jimmy Kater, who for unknown reasons sat out the first match of the campaign against Kutch. Inaki Soler gave the Jungle Cats the 1-0 halftime lead, and once again head coach Helmut Vilkaous utilized the half time break to make changes in his tactics, deciding to give young midfielder Contall Rumaoa a run out alongside his senior superiors at the international stage. Daniel Oram and Tanner Nerni made way, as Rumaoa was joined by Antonis Siazzu as the second half resumed. The slight change in formation caused a little bit of confusion in midfield, however, the Jungle Cats eventually got their bearing straight and Callum Banda silenced the home crowd 15 minutes from time with his clincher, leaving the final score at 2-0 in favor of Vilita and maintaining the Jungle Cats unbeaten record against the Ascendancy.


Full Time Analysis:

Vilita

Best Player: Callum Banda
Worst Player: Daniel Oram
Shots on Target: 10
Corner Kicks: 11


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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Jimmy Kater, [D] Niccoló Mazzeo, [D] Ricky Ezis, [D] Andrea Lamberti, [DMC] Daniel Oram, [ML] Jonjo Hulyer, [MC] Inaki Soler, [MC] Tanner Nerni, [MR] Maurizio Sala, [FC] Callum Banda, [FC] Tika Massa,
BENCH::
[FC] Mauro Baraza, [FC] Riccardo Appolloni, [M] Antonis Siazzu, [M] Contall Rumaoa, [U] Timmy Leaburn, [D] Sibusiso Azaïez, [GK] Delain Falcón,

Vilita Substitutions::
(45) - Tanner Nerni >>> Antonis Siazzu
(45) - Daniel Oram >>> Contall Rumaoa

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Vilita 1-0 Sonaron
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Vilita Goalscorers::
40' Contall Rumaoa

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-------------------After an impressive runout against the Gaian Ascendancy, Tournetas' based midfielder Contall Rumaoa was given a place in the Vilitan Midfield, pushing experienced set piece speciality Maurizio Sala to the bench. Coach Helmut Vilkaous, before the game, indicated that he would be testing many "unfamiliar" players throughout the Qualifying campaign on the way to ensuring that he fields the best squad possible come the finals. Vilkaous also gave an uncharacteristic run out to defender Tulio Arizmendi and Under 21 starlet striker Tika Massa. Throughout the opening three matches of the campaign, Vilkaous has had a strict policy of "Callum and", starting the 38 year old Marine Coast United legend, who now acts as player/manager for Arcticala Inlet FC, and experimenting with other strikers along side Banda, most likely already being set on selecting Banda as top choice striker in the finals and fiddling around to find the best partner to complement the player with 10 World Cup campaigns already under his belt.

-------------------It was Vilkaous's decision to introduce Contall Rumaoa into the starting lineup that would be the difference in the match, the Tournetas midfielder netted his first career Senior goal and it ended up being the game winner in a match that saw little action on either side of the pitch. In the end, the Jungle Cats had taken just five shots on their Sonaronian opponents, a number that looked high in comparison with the work that was done by Strike FC's Jimmy Kater for the Jungle Cats. Kater was actually caught napping on his kneews around the hour mark, during an 11 minute stretch where the ball did not venture clear of the Sonaron defensive zone.

-------------------It was just the second time in history that the Jungle Cats had opened up their qualifying campaign without conceding a goal in three games while winning all three matches. It was not until the fourth game of the World Cup 19 Qualifying campain, against Piquantrax, that the Jungle Cats conceded their first goal. Earlier wins against Finrods, Giant Zucchini and Nastic were defended with a clean sheet by Vilita. The Jungle Cats also opened up with three clean sheets in World Cup 22 Qualifying, however the third match against the Gaian Ascendancy was a 0-0 draw, followed up by a 2-1 win over Slaikau which halted the perfect defensive record. After three games in World Cup 23 Qualifying Vilita once again stand without conceding a goal, and will look to set the new National record for games without conceding a goal to open a World Cup Qualifying campaign when they meet up with unranked Paul Sculthorpe Fans on matchday four.


Full Time Analysis:

Vilita

Best Player: Inaki Soler
Worst Player: Petros Alfieri
Shots on Target: 5
Corner Kicks: 5


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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Jimmy Kater, [D] Ricky Ezis, [D] Petros Alfieri, [D] Tulio Arizmendi, [DMC] Daniel Oram, [ML] Antonis Siazzu, [MC] Contall Rumaoa, [MC] Jonjo Hulyer, [MR] Inaki Soler, [FC] Callum Banda, [FC] Tika Massa,
BENCH::
[FC] Riccardo Appolloni, [FC] Mauro Baraza, [M] Rueben Laberge, [M] Sublé Tonic, [U] Maurizio Sala, [D] Emarka Laniora, [GK] Delain Falcón,

Vilita Substitutions::
(45) - Inaki Soler >>> Riccardo Appolloni
(72) - Petros Alfieri >>> Maurizio Sala

El Grupo de Karela
(OK, so it's Muerto, but with the Rejistanians in charge...)

We're going to Eauz - that was about the only positive the Streetians could draw out of an otherwise dire draw for the World Cup 23 groups. While Crystilakere, for example, escaped with perennial underachievers Krytenia, past-it Svecia and World Cup debutants Harlesburg, we had to get the World Cup 21 champions and WC22 third-placed team Bedistan - along with WC21 finalists Total n Utter Insanity. In fact, the three teams in Group E finished one, two and three in World Cup 21. To join us as the fourth team are Liamist States, a team that must be ruing their bad luck just as much as we. They are debutants at this stage of the World Cup, having finished three points ahead of Spurland in third place in a group that otherwise consisted of Audioslavia and Liverpool England.

Three teams with five points are to be expected - the only question is: Who can put the most goals past the Liamist States, in these va'karela-friendly conditions?

"This chase feels like it's been going on for days," Charlie said, "why haven't we got away from this damn helicopter yet?"

"I told Dave," Kiera said, "that we shouldn't have stopped for ice cream."

Dave, still driving at speed just beyond the limits of his ability, looked a little sheepish. When their gas-guzzling Hummer had decided it needed more fuel, they'd stopped at a handily-placed petrol station. It had been an odd sight, filling up the tank of a packed Humvee with a Royal Helicopter overhead, not to mention the fact that King Alfons the First was throwing cabbages at them. All Dave really had to do, however, was duck at the appropriate moment as well as running the gauntlet of going inside the station to pay for his fuel.

That wasn't Kiera's problem, however. The sound of a passing Ice Cream Van playing the Spruitland 'Match of the Day' theme tune had gotten his attention, and he'd pulled over to get some, making Yandaki help carry some.

"Nintey-Nines with a Flake times six, please," Dave had said, before explaining exactly what a Ninety-Nine with a Flake was to the confused 'Spruitlander Mobile Frozen Dessert Vendor'. "Wafer in the shape of a cone, vanilla ice cream on top, bit of crumbly chocolate stuck in the ice cream," he eventually explained, receiving a vegetable to the back of the head shortly after.

"Ha!" Alfons yelled over the roar of the blades, "Got you! Give me another cabbage!"

"Why on earth," Royal said, as Dave and Yandaki climbed back in the Humvee and distibuted the treats, "has my ice cream got cabbage in it?"

"Local delicacy," Jaeharys quickly explained, picking the wholesome green shrapnel off the top of his, "they're weird over here."

"Ah."

Coach Joseuf sits in his office putting back a few alcoholic beverages, while reading le journal, which provided his team the information of which teams they will face in the cup:

Group H:
Squornshelous
Eauz
Nova Britannicus
Kylaai

-Whoa, quite an interesting group we have. Though, I do have a very bad memory, and our sports archives burnt down a few months ago, with no backup records, I do believe we have a fairly good history against all three opponents. Oh well, history is of little importance now, as we must play well in the present, not think about how well we played with different players in the past.

Nonetheless, looking at how the teams performed in the qualifying round:
1. Squornshelous 34 10 4 0 26:2 24
3. Nova Britannicus 30 9 3 2 19:6 13
3. Kylaai 25 7 4 3 17:9 8

-Oh my, lots of goal scoring, this can’t be good news for the axis power, going up against 3 Takil teams. We have been playing friendly matches lately, and we’ve performed fairly well. Maybe Karela will be alive and well.

…the paper goes on to describe the teams, and provide predictions for group H…

Squornshelous – Should be the favourite in this group, as they finished qualifying round, with no losses and only gave up a total of 2 goals. They did though show a bit of weakness in some matches against very weak teams, which could be key to Les Bleus success against this team.

Nova Britannicus – Very little history between these two teams, as they only met up once in WC19, and the match ended in a 1 – 1 tie. Both teams have changed though, so expect anything. There is though, a situation dealing with cabbage, so you never know what could occur… The second spot for this cup will probably be decided between NB and Eauz.

Kylaai – Two time CoH winners… well, it’s not THAT impressive, because Eauz has won it once and also have two World Cup championships. Anyways, aside from this information, Eauz has heard very little from Kylaai. We expect the same in this group…

Jeruselem Government News

World Cup XXXIII Groups announced

Jeruselem has been drawn with some rather familar faces in World Cup XXXIII group stage. It's Group D where for us D means Death.

Group D:
Rejistania - Home of System Karela and not known for being attacking in style. Won't score many goals but scoring against them is a totally different matter. If they don't make it, blame the strikers.
<One of the hosts>

EL CID THE HERO
Super-Spanish team. They can score many goals and we have lots of trouble with them. They should make the finals, unless Jeruselem or Fmjphoenix play better than expected.
2nd in Region 2 with 10 wins, 2 draws and 2 losses.

Jeruselem
Never won a group game yet. A few meek draws, but can we change all this?
3rd in region 3 with 7 wins, 3 draws and 4 losses

Fmjphoenix
The Vikings join us. Like Jeruselem, an outsider when it comes to making the final.
3rd in region 6 with 8 wins, 1 draws and 5 losses

Group D Schedule:

MD1: Rejistania vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
EL CID THE HERO vs. Jeruselem @ Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati

MD2: Rejistania vs. Jeruselem @ Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan
EL CID THE HERO vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali

MD3: Rejistania vs. EL CID THE HERO @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Jeruselem vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Najajara Ynu

The Daily Druid

CUP DRAW MADE
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po says that Druida should be wary.

Well, here we are. Somehow. We're in Group G this time, meaning that we're going to be travalling to Eauz. A nation that, when it appeared that Druida weren't going to make the finals, I called "Not the kind of place a Druid would want to go."

Now, obviously I didn't mean that, and I hope that the good people of Eauz recognise this. Though I have talked with Sebastien Diago, Parkville's half Druidan half Eauzian winger who almost made Druida's finals squad, and he didn't seem all that convinced by it all.

Anyway, back to the draw. The Rainbows face familiar opponents in the group stage, but due to the recent sobering-up campaigns in Druida, everyone seems to be in therapy, so not only has the DruidLeague been put on hold for a couple of years until the 0-0 ban is over (it appeared the Professional Footballers Union didn't agree with that, either), but the people who hold all the statistics about our records against our opponents aren't here. So I'll just give you my thoughts on our opponents.

Vilita - We know about them. They're better than us. They have been for a long time. A draw would be a lucky result against them. A more likely score would be about 3-0 to the Jungle Cats. But hey, we like them! We even forgave them for the entire population invading our country to watch World cup 20.

Lovisa - We know about them. They're about as good as us somehow. They have been for a long time. We'd really hope to beat them, but knowing us, typical Druid actions would see us lose. I'd usually say 2-1, but the way world football seems to be going at the moment, more likely 1-0.

The Weegies - We know about... hang on... The Weegies? The... Wee.. gies? This is the World Cup Finals, not qualifying! The Weegies are supposed to fail heroicly in their quest to make the finals every time. So, knowing our luck, they'll probably get to the semis, or somehting crazy like that.

So there are our opponents. Will Druida make it through the group stage. Well, they said that Druida would never sober up, but 750 million have done, meaning there's only a quarter of the way to go. But then, we are Druida, so I guess the answer will probably be a resounding "no".


SMITH ON THE ROPES
By Trevor Griffin

The writing seemed to be on the wall for President Margaret Smith last night, as his former aide and close personal friend Drew Idder revealed how it was he, and not the President, who was behind all of the half-decent ideas that the government have come up with in the last twenty years.

The President was left reeling, as Idder revealed how the President had named the country after his close friend, before stabbing him in the back an becoming "a right ignorant get". When Idder tried questioning Smith on his social policies, all Smith could come up with was "I... er... oh s***."

And so it seems that a sobering electorate will be dumping Smith in next weeks election, and that Druida will have a "new" President in Andrew Trevor Idder.


Jeruselem Government News

World Cup XXXIII Groups announced

JERUSELEM IN "TIME-TRAVEL" FIASCO
By Bill Posters

The government of Jeruselem were today being questionned about a report in Jeuselem Government News about the World Cup 33 draw. It amazingly features Jeruselem in exactly the same group as they are for World Cup 23, and will be played in Rejistania also, only in forty years from now.

When we called for a quote, all that was said to us was, "Bah! Damn typos!"

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Vilita 3-0 Paul Sculthorpe Fans
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Vilita Goalscorers::
4' Riccardo Appolloni
32' Callum Banda
58' Riccardo Appolloni
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-------------------After sticking with Jimmy Kater for consecutive matches as starting goalkeeper, Helmut Vilkaous once again decided to reward Delain Falcon's domestic dominance by naming him starting goalkeeper for the second time in the qualifying campaign so far. Falcon's chances have historically been limited despite leading Yeaddin to multiple domestic and internationstatal championships in recent seasons with the tight bond formed between Vilkaous, Kater and former goalkeeper Massimo Corsi during World Cup 17. Surprisingly in comparison with the opening three matches, Vilkaous fielded an almost full strength outfield 10, with only national hero Inaki Soler as a notable absense, Rueben Laberge taking the Lonngeylin native's place in midfield.


The Jungle Cats were clearly the better team from the outset, and quickly got on the scoreboard before five minutes of the game had been played. Good work from Tanner Nerni had earned Vilita their first corner of the game, and Sala's delivery was more than Riccardo Appolloni could ever have asked for, barely having to move a muscle to guide the ball home into the wide open far side of the net, with not even a single Paul Sculthorpe guarding the post on the opposite side. Vilita continued to press forward, and with a lack of counter-pressure from their inexperienced opposition, Vilkaous instructed Daniel Oram to push forward with the attack. Oram, who usually takes up a much more defensive role, looked very useful and comfortable with the attack, and even managed a 30 yard screamer that grazed the top netting before drowning Rows 11 and 12 in alcohol after a nasty collision with a stadium salesman. Finally, it was Callum Banda who netted the deserved second goal for Vilita, to the delight of the Vilitan support as he inched one closer to his target of 100 career international goals.

Helmut Vilkaous decided to make no changes at halftime, after making half time changes in each of the three qualifying matches previous. No player on the pitch performed poorly for the Jungle Cats, and no player would have been deserving of replacement. Only Laberge looked uneasy with the pace that Vilita were setting, but with the game already under control it is clear Vilkaous felt it important for Laberge to adapt to the up-tempo game that could become important as qualifying rolls on. Appolloni netted his second of the game near the hour mark, and Vilita cruised home to the 3-0 victory, in the process setting the all time Vilitan record for most clean sheets to start a World Cup Qualifying campaign. The previous record, which had been achieved twice, was three matches. With a perfectly clean sheet to open the first four matches of World Cup 23, the Jungle Cats found themselves in form and full of confidence ahead of the table-topping clash with Svecia in round five.


Full Time Analysis:

Vilita

Best Player: Tanner Nerni
Worst Player: Rueben Laberge
Shots on Target: 7
Corner Kicks: 10


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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Delain Falcón, [D] Niccoló Mazzeo, [D] Ricky Ezis, [D] Andrea Lamberti, [DMC] Daniel Oram, [ML] Maurizio Sala, [MC] Tanner Nerni, [MC] Rueben Laberge, [MR] Antonis Siazzu, [FC] Callum Banda, [FC] Riccardo Appolloni,
BENCH::
[FC] Kris Wrice, [FC] Mauro Baraza, [M] Contall Rumaoa, [M] Sublé Tonic, [U] Julian Lisbie, [D] Sibusiso Azaïez, [GK] Jimmy Kater,

Vilita Substitutions::

thsd:NEWS

Group Overview - The Finals Generation

It's World Cup time again, and, with the Krytenian side once again hoping to break "The Caley Curse", anything can happen in Group B. But we feel psychotic, so let's have a look at the final 32.

GROUP A
SARZONIA
AUDIOSLAVIA
COMMERCE HEIGHTS
CHICANADA

World Champs Sarzonia and perennial "at-least-thereabouts" Audioslavia shouldn't have any problems going to the last sixteen - Commerce Heights had their heyday many decades ago, and Chicanada lack the experience to make the push.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): SRZ - AUD - CMH - CHC

GROUP B
CRYSTILAKERE
KRYTENIA
SVECIA
HARLESBURG

B is for Blue. Krytenia wil be looking for revenge against Crystilakere and Svecia, both of whom have helped eliminate the Caleys at this stage in the past. Harlesburg are an unknown quantity - this could well be a very tight group.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): SVE - KRY - HRL - CRY

GROUP C
TURORI
OAKER
ONE RED DOT
FIVE CIVILISED NATIONS

Can Turori make it all the way in their international swansong? Was Oaker's performance four years ago a flash in the pan? Can Five Civilised Nations fulfil the potential shown in qualifying? And what's so special about this red dot anyway?
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): TUR - FCN - OAK - ORD

GROUP D
REJISTANIA
EL CID THE HERO
JERUSELEM
FMJPHOENIX

Rejistania will qualifying easily. As to who gets spot number two - only Margaret and the Random Number Gods know, and old Maggie's dead. So we're going to use the tried and trusted "stick a pin in the list" method.
...
Here goes!
...
Looks like the Gods enjoy a good cup of joe.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): REJ - FMJ - ECH - JER

GROUP E
BEDISTAN
COCKBILL STREET
TOTAL N UTTER INSANITY
LIAMIST STATES

Yikes. Would not like to be the Liamist States right now. The only guarantee seems to be that the Marmadukes will do well to get one point from this group. Above them, though, it's quite open - but surely now is the time for the Street?
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): CST - BDS - TUI - LMS

GROUP F
STARBLAYDIA
TADJIKISTAN
LIVERPOOL ENGLAND
LETHISLAVANIA

Starblaydia are still about two rounds short of their fall-off point, so expect them to go through. Tigers and Terminators will fight for second; meanwhille it'll be "Adios" to the Llama Harmers.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): STB - TDJ - LVE - LTH

GROUP G
DRUIDA
VILITA
LOVISA
THE WEEGIES

Straight fight between the two Atlantian Oceanic nations for the Round Two places. The other two sides simply make up the numbers here, and will be home before their postcards.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): VIL - DRU - LOV - WGS

GROUP H
SQUORNSHELOUS
EAUZ
NOVA BRITANNICUS
KYLAAI

Eauz, with home advantage, shouldn't have too much trouble qualifying - but try saying that to to the two sides fighting for the one place behind. Kylaai will be last, but thankfully clothed.
PREDICTION (1-2-3-4): EAZ - NBR - SQU - KYL

Pschychoes drawn in Group H

Squornshelous are the favorites in a closely contested group

The Pschychoes find themselves in a fairly good position awaiting the first match of World Cup 23. While there is no pushover team in Group H, The other three teams are far enough below Squorshelous in rankings and in skill that the Pschychoes should move on to the second round comfortably. The only real threat is co-hosts Eauz, who will be a difficult team to play on their home ground. Nova Brittanicus is on the outside looking in, and should stay that way, barring a large upset.

Group H:
#7 Squornshelous (44.41)
#19 Eauz (32.03)
#25 Nova Britannicus (23.45)
#30 Kylaai (20.38)

Squornshelous History against Other Group H Sides:

Eauz:
World Cup 10 Group Stage Squornshelous 2-0 Eauz
World Cup 17 Group Stage Squornshelous 1-1 Eauz
World Cup 18 Second Round Squornshelous 2-1 Eauz

Nova Brittanicus:
World Cup 20 Group Stage Squornshelous 1-2 Nova Britannicus

Kylaai:
World Cup 21 Group Stage Squornshelous 2-1 Nova Britannicus

note: I do not have easy access to complete records of World Cup qualifying so some matches might be omitted from the history above

Fan Report: Crystils drawn in Group B

GROUP B
CRYSTILAKERE
KRYTENIA
SVECIA
HARLESBURG

The Crystilakere Crystils will attempt to progress from Group B which is taking place in Rejistania. For our supporters we tried to find out what stadiums would be used for group b but could not figure it out. The Crystils top opposition in the group will be Atlantian Oceania team Krytenia who have a long history of matches against the Crystils. Svecia will also be a tough task while Harlesburg are making their first appearance in the World Cup according to other media sources and should not challenge very much with the top three teams.

Fan Quotes on Krytenia

"If we can win this game we should win the group. Krytenia are not all that great and certainly not on the same level as our players. They are still going to fight, though, so we have to be prepared."

"What awards has Krytenia ever won? I don't think a single thing comes to mind. They shouldn't be much to worry about."

"Krytenia may be ranked lower, but they will be very fired up knowing that after playing us the rest of the matches will just get easier."

"Most people are picking Krytenia as the favorite to win our group so if we are going to prove them wrong we will have to win this game."

Fan Quotes on Svecia

"They used to be a lot better than they are now. I think they will finish third or fourth and may not qualify for the next finals."

"We have to win the game against Svecia to prove all those stupid other countries wrong."

Fan Quotes on Harlesburg

"It's always exciting to play against a first time team because they are just excited to be in the world cup and we get to beat them down hard."

"A lot of people are saying that Harlesburg is going to finish ahead of us. We are the best team in this group and we are going to kick their butt, theres no doubt in my mind."

JERUSELEM IN "TIME-TRAVEL" FIASCO
By Bill Posters

The government of Jeruselem were today being questionned about a report in Jeuselem Government News about the World Cup 33 draw. It amazingly features Jeruselem in exactly the same group as they are for World Cup 23, and will be played in Rejistania also, only in forty years from now.

When we called for a quote, all that was said to was was, "Bah! Damn typos!"

Jeruselem Government News

JGN gets new World Cup Reporter

Current World Cup Reporter Robert Sixpot was sacked after intentionally putting XXXIII for XXIII in his reports. He was doctoring post-editorial versions secretly and they have embarrassed JGN internationally.

The new reporter is the comedian known as Crazy Dave who has a Bedistian wife for some reason. Robert Sixpot was last seen being escorted by the Inquisition to an unknown location.

OOC

Thanks Druida

Its finals time, who are we stuck against

GROUP D
Rejistania
El Cid the Hero
Jeruselam
Fmjphoenix

Kaliama Rejia, head of the FAF stared at the four names on his desk in the hotel the team was staying at in Rejistania.

"Rejistania: for all of our history, we have never played them. Our takilan phylosophy contradicts their karelan, yet there is no overall bad blood with them. I wonder how we should handle our match with them. Perhaps I may have to talk to Kerrigan for how we should handle this."

Thoughs fly through his head for what will have to be done.

"El Cid the Hero: another side we have not played. This definetly seems to be the theme of the group. I cannot remember any big things they have done, nothing stands out in the history books. They are always a consistant side though. We will have to play as hard as we can this one."

He still has one more name on the list. The second familar name on the list.

"Jeruselam: still have not played this team on the senior circuit. But we have a small history in the U21. Perhaps the U21 coach, Rush will be able to help notice and similarities between their senior and junior teams. It is better than going on nothing I think"

Rejia starts chewing on another brownie.

"Perhaps we should bring some of our brownies to Estadije Ines Karela Lines. Even thought they are Takilan Brownies, perhaps they can influence some sway in our favor. They ARE very delicious..."

The thought was good to him, even if it was highly perposterous. He wondered what the rest of the schedule was like.

Fmjphoenix's Finals Schedule:
MD1: Rejistania vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
MD2: EL CID THE HERO vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali
MD3: Jeruselem vs. Fmjphoenix @ Estadije Najajara Ynu

"This will be close through out most of the matches. If we can steal away a win against Rejistania, it should put us in good standings. I think that first one is the most important. Perhaps I should get the guys to be prepared the most for it. Perhaps the special blend we have prepared for the Golden Cafetiere can be of help here. I will have to talk about Ziri if the blend is ready."

With those last thoughts he started to pick up the phone.

"Who should I call first? Kerrigan, Rush, or Ziri..."

From: Assistant to the President, Commerce Heights Footballing and Soccer Federation
To: ASR [filtered for Rejistanian content]

I was wondering if you could arrange for a switch of venues between the Audioslava/Commerce Heights match and the Rejistania/Fmjphoenix match in the World Cup 23 group stage. I am interested in obtaining a certain result, and Estadije Ines Karela Lines usually finds a way of providing it. I am, as you should be, confident that the Rejistanian defense will be capable of stopping anything that the Takilan Fmjphoenicians can throw at you. Enclosed, you will find an appropriate amount of currency (RłK 20 000 000). If this amount is not acceptable payment, the exact price is open to negotiation.

I await your response.

—Moises Palanza
Assistant to the President, CHFF

Harlesburg Take it easy
EL CID THE HERO 3 Harlesburg 0

Harlesburg after strong assurances that they had qualified once again posted a side that including players that would not have normally have made it into their first team starting line-up and as a result they went down to EL CID THE HERO 3-0 in dramatic fashion never really getting a look in.

Harlesburg’s arrival at the 23rd World Cup Qualifiers was somewhat of a non-event not many nations paying much attention to the team that had participated twice before and getting sent packing without even troubling the opposition much although one win was claimed against Commerce Heights in World Cup 22 Qualifiers 4 draws were achieved Although 5 loses were inflicted.

Harlesburg showed little respect for Wella before their first match and although they won when they came to grasp of the situation they realised there attitude was Un-Harlesburgian and set about showing more decorum finally finishing on 25 points from 14 games played winning 7, drawing 4 and losing 3.
Harlesburg always aiming to be Chivalrous were later displeased by there own comments and have shown signs of remorse
GROUP B
CRYSTILAKERE
Crystilakere record of 27 points from 8 wins 3 draws and 2 loses is the best in the Group there 20 and 5 record in goals scored is impressive as they came out of a draw including Starblaydia,Nova Brittainicus and Spruitland.
KRYTENIA =
There 25 points comprised 7 wins 4 Draws and 2 loses while they scored 18 goals and had 7 inflicted on them.
SVECIA
Svecia Had 8 wins 4 draws and 2 loses from their 14 games with a 23 and 8 Goals for and against record and qualified 2nd behind Vilita with their 25 points.
Harlesburg know from this record they need to look out for them because when they score they pile goals on.

HARLESBURG
Harlesburg as has been reported earlier qualified with a 7-4-3 record and scored 18 goal in the process which equates to 1.28 goals per game something that isn’t really enough to confirm the a place in the finals let alone the top spot.
Of more of a concern is Harlesburgian’s allowing of 14 goals against the stronger teams especially when they kept the less experienced teams to low scores.
When Harlesburg let goals in they seem to let them flood in this must be reined in if Harlesburg wish to extend their campaign to the next round.
Well respected Chicandian writer Ashley Standard has predicted Harlesburg could very well sneak in.

All in all Harlesburg must be in top form for every game if they want to move on and just as importantly not embarrass themselves this is indeed a Baptisim of Fire for them.

Hejida Palanza'he!

It would be a logistical problem to change the venues now all of a sudden, but that should not be required. Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan might not have an as glorious history as Estadije Ines Karela Lines, but the reconstruction was supervised and subsidized by the temple as well. The chances for an adequate result are there as high as in Karela even though Hasdetil kalesa (the Kalesa, the stadium is located in) has not the prestige of Karela kalesa.

Va'il veka,
Teke Daran

OOC: Squorn, if only you could spell. One 'T', two 'N's, is that so hard? Too much time with the incorrect Europa Brittania for you, I think ;) Thanking you please.

IC:

"I've had just about all I can take of this," Kiera said, pulling out a hefty gun and leaning out of the passenger window, "this bloody 'copter is going down."

Great flashes of smoke and flame errupted from her veritable hand-cannon, all aimed - rather nastily - at the forehead of the pilot. He, however, didn't flinch, though Alfons dived into the back to hide.

"Holy crap!" yelled the King, "they're bloody shooting at us! Get away!"

"Your majesty," the pilot said calmly, "this craft has bullet-proof glass, we're totally protected. It's why this helicopter of yours cost so much when you used the country's money to buy it."

"Really?" The King felt much better. "That's rad."

Down in the Humvee, Kiera had emptied her magazine and was reloading another.

"Kiera," Jaehaerys said, "that's a Royal Helicopter, they build those things so that you can't take it down with something like that. It's just not going to work."

"Okay then," she replied, "what have you got in mind?"

Quickly an idea formed in Jay's mind. He turned to Royal Seaford, whispering something in his ear. Roy raised his eyebrows, but nodded anyway. Jay then grabbed a handful of their night's work from one of the sacks and gave it to Roy, who ate them raw with disgust but without complaint.

"Hold her steady, Dave," Jay ordered

Roy wound down the window and proceeded to climb out of it and onto the roof of the Hummer, his hair blown by the wind.

"Wow," said King Alfons from up in the chopper, some twenty feet above the ground, "this looks just like a movie."

The pilot merely raised his eyebrows as Royal began to balance on the roof of the vehicle. Suddenly Jay's head appeared from the sunroof behind Roy. Royal turned and yelled at Jay.

"You mean I could have just come through there?"

"Yeah," Jay yelled back, "I'll have to style it again when I get back in, bloody wind messing up my 'do."

"Right!" Royal yelled back, "I do know what to do. Gimme the ball."

From inside the car, Jay retrieved the football Royal had brought along and handed it to him. Still having to balance on the roof of the Humvee, Royal executed a drop-kick with perfect poise, grace and technique and sent the ball flying toward the glass at a combined closure rate of some two hundred miles per hour. The ball crashed against the window, leaving a circular mud-splatter on the glass, before riocheting upwards and bursting against the sweep of one of the mighty rotor blades. Alfons screamed, the pilot blinked. Nothing happened.

Royal stood their for a moment, that hadn't been the plan and now they were out of foot-launched projectiles. Jay yelled, unheeded, up into the wind.

"Get him to throw a cabbage at you, then kick that back at him."

Royal suddenly whirled around and yelled down at Jay.

"I'll get him to throw a cabbage at me, then I'll kick that back at him!"

With a confused thumbs-up, Jay disappeared back into the Humvee. Royal turned bak around and started taunting the men in the Helicopter.

"Look!" The King exclaimed, as he liked to do. "He's taking the piss out of me!"

"I think he wants you to throw a cabbage at him, your majesty."

"Right!" Exclaimed the King again, fond of seeing exclamation-marks in the transcripts of his speechs. "I'll throw a nice new hard one at him, right at his head!"

"But, Sir," the pilot warned, "that's exactly what he wants you to do."

"I know!" The King - guess what - exclaimed. "And I'm gonna do it!"

With all his might, King Alfons leant out of the chopper and hurled a cabbage with all his might at the World Cup Hall of Famer. Royal caught it on his chest and let it drop to the floor, trappig it under his boot. Narrowing his eyes and picking his spot, he chipped the cabbage up into the air, his trained eyes calculating its flight path perfectly.

The cabbage soared into the air, bounced off the back wall of the inside of the chopper, hit the pilot in the back of the helmet and knocked his head into the window, knocking him out. Immediately the chopper started to descend. Royal half-dived towards the open sunroof, poking his head through it.

"It worked," he said, "get us the hell away from that thing!"

Changing down for extra power, Dave raced away from the helicopter as it came into land like a blind ostrich: very badly. Fortunately for the King, at least, the Helicopter didn't explode or break up into small pieces or anything spectacular, it just landed on the floor with a bump, the motion of the rotor slowly coming to a halt. And the pilot even woke up. Staggering from the broken machine, King Alfons the First shook his fist at the retreating column of dust and swore oaths of vengance.

That is to say, he swore a lot and th aim of his cursing was to intimate that he would get them back at some point in the future. Either way, its not broadcastable language.

From: Moises Palanza
To: Teke Daran

While I understand the logistical problems involved in my prior proposal, your word simply isn’t enough. I have received a report from a certain source that the va’karela’ny at Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan are not operational at this time. Can you confirm or deny this intelligence? Where can we obtain additional va’karela’ny that will be effective against the Audioslavian attack? Have the priests done any research into modifying the evil va’takil’ny to have a reverse effect?

—Moises Palanza
Assistant to the President, CHFF

P.S. One of my contacts with the CDA recently heard about a proposal to make the Rejistanian people resistant to any Takilan subversion, which was not carried out because of the Rejistanian government’s lack of funding. I have a considerable gold reserve at my disposal, and am interested in donating a portion of it, but am unsure of how to proceed. Anonymity is a significant concern in this matter.

Hejida Palanza'he!

The va'karela'ny are in a good state, the last XVSR match there had to be decided after 12 penalty kicks. The va'karela'ny there are protected against fluids, which most va'takil'ny still aren't. The effect of lychee juice on va'takil'ny is remarkably: the evil device explodes, but seconds before it does it, the takilizing effect is reversed. This strange behavior can prevent the takilization if there is any sign that the rejistanian customs let a va'takil into the country.

We are surprised that you know of Project Sikana. Unfortunately, the technology has some 'side-effects', not suitable for the general population. There is no problem with applying it against convicts, but against innocents, it is too severe.

Sa ven,
Teke Daran

RP-cutoff for the first MD of group stage. Wait for telegrams!

Scratch up A Win for Starblaydia
Karelan scoreline, but who cares?

Remember what happened last time Starblaydia visited Le Stade de Monteuz on Matchday One of a World Cup Finals? Well, it wasn't very pretty. Starblaydia lost 3-1 to Iansisle and the one saving grace was J.J Stark.

Think of the same kind of thing, the most-skilled winger in the Starblaydi team scoring their only goal once more. This time replace 'Iansisle' with 'Lethislavania' and take away all Iansisle/Lethislavania's goals and you've got it.

Starblaydia won One-Nil over Lethislavania with a goal from Surachai Buathiang. Excellent deduction, Holmes! Ogunniya to Buathiang, goal! When Starblaydia's first (and only) corner of the game came up, we all expected the big bull of a man Mitrofanis to knock it straight in. Unfortunately the sudden ten-man defence of Lethislavania came into action and the corner taken by Tumunzahar was headed away, falling perfectly at the feet of the Starblaydi captain, Gbenga Ogunniya. It seems that everybody in the stadium and at home watching on TV expected a classic twenty-five yard Ince-Drive from Ogunniya, but there were two people expecting something else: Ogunniya and Buathiang.

Opening up his body for a shot, Ogunniya tapped it daintily to Buathiang, who took it on the volley and slammed it home into the net with superb style. That's what World Cup goals are made of.

Final Score from Le Stade de Monteuz:
Starblaydia 1 - 0 Lethislavania
(Buathiang 67) - (None)

Eventually, the train reached Sike kali. Iha Syku started to become desperate. At every time, the train stopped, the conversation was nearly the same:

Ape: This Sike?

IS: This KaMaRi xentira.

Ape: KaMaRi xentira not Sike?

IS: Yes, KaMaRi city.

Other Ape: What about KaMaRi City?

IS: KaMaRi is a city, like Sike.

Third Ape (raising his head): How long till Sike?

IS: No indebted* idea!

Other Ape: How can idea have debts?

IS: People just say it...


The Apes look all alike to him. So he does not differ between. He can not pronounce their names anyways.

Eventually, Sike kali was reached and the small and sleepy capital looked never as beautiful to him. He opened the door to the Apes. "We reached Sike, get out and follow me!" The apes were dizzy or unwell, they stumbled out of the train to the central station. Since they did not sleep during the long travel, they also were pretty tired. The sun was about to rise and the train station was empty, well, nearly, a few persons get ready to work here, a few are sleeping on the platforms after having missed the last train. Can you imagine, how the people reach the top secret lab in the middle of nowhere? Right: there is a bus stop directly in front of it. It is not named "top secret government lab" of course, the name is "Maeanu/Jiire JSK", since the lab is disguised as normal corporation (it is disguised well enough to raise suspicion of the rejistanian revenue service).

*translation of "selme", a rejistanian curse

Insanicians drawn in Group E for fifth time in 21 finals.

Yes, we are back after the lousy and blatant cheating of the Liverpudian Englanders 4 years ago.

Group E:
Bedistan
Cockbill Street
Total n Utter Insanity
Liamist States

With us this time are 2 danger teams and a nobody. Let's deal with the nobodies first.

Bedistan
Previous meetings:
WC9 - GROUP B
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Bedistan 2
WC20 - GROUP 10
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Bedistan 1
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Bedistan 0
WC21 - FINAL
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Bedistan 1 AET
Bedistan win 5-3 on pens
Info:
Bedistan suck, there I said it.
Predicted Score:
Total n Utter Insanity 2 Bedistan 0

Cockbill Street
WC12 - GROUP 8
Previous meetings:
Total n Utter Insanity 2 Cockbill Street 1
Total n Utter Insanity 2 Cockbill Street 1
Info:
Cockbill Street are like that annoying rash you caught one drunken night and just can’t seem to get rid of. Expect them to take points from TnUI and Bedistan, but then screw up with a draw to Liamist States and miss the second round.
Predicted Score:
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Cockbill Street 1

Liamist States
Previous meetings:
None.
Info:
None. I mean seriously who are they?
Predicted Score:
Total n Utter Insanity 6 Liamist States 0

Today’s headlines…

Marmadukes Lose, As Was Expected
Bell: "2-0 Loss Was Pretty Much To Script"
Liam & Co Media

Bah? Call That A Win?
Liamists Only Lose By Two
Liamist States Times

Nuclear Weapons Brandished AGAIN At Opponents
No One Takes Any Notice Of Empty Threats
Soccer & Babes Magazine

COCKBill, TnUI Media Expect Big Wins
Liamists Have Never Lost By More Than Three Goals
Liamists Have Beaten 13th Placed Lovisa From 75th in WC21Q
So Suck On Those Stats Bitches!
Soccer Monthly

Education Delegation Departs For TnUI
Attempting To Fill In Gaps In TnUI's Knowledge Of The States
CDL Courier

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

SVECIA SURVIVE CLOSEST QUALIFYING CAMPAIGN EVER
Draw with Krytenia to open Group stage

After the smoke and dust had cleared, Svecia found themselves in a comfortable position: the World Cup finals. Having only failed to qualify 3 times in their history, the Lightning almost found themselves watching from their TVs back in Svecia. A mere 2 points separated the Lightning from the Weegies on the table. But Svecia went through and drew with Krytenia 1-1 to start off their World Cup tournament.

“We there yet?”

“Dunno. Pigpiggie, we there yet?”

“We still walking, aren’t we?”

“Dunno.”

“Look down at feet, Wonktickle.”

“Um... there they are.”

“They walking?”

“Look like it.”

“So you tell me: we there yet?”

“Dunno!”

Exasperated, Pigpiggie almost reached out a long arm and smacked his companion on the head. But-- even though Wonktickle was undeniably stupid, and stupidity demands headsmacks-- he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. It was just too large a breach of etiquette, a male smacking someone. Not that they were in the RBA, or anything, but even if no one ever found out, he didn’t think he could live with himself.

Instead he took the acceptable course of action and spit on Wonktickle’s feet.

“Hey!”

“What?”

“What that for?”

“For being stupid!”

“You still haven’t answered question,” Zung pointed out. “We there yet, Pigpiggie?”

“NO!”

The human leading them through the streets of Sike turned and spoke sternly in Rejistanian. Chastised, the trio of males turned their heads down even though they could not understand her words. It was enough that her tone was clearly chastising, and she was a female. At least, they thought she was a female. Who could tell with humans?

After a few minutes she stopped, and they stopped behind her. They were outside a rather large building. Nothing like they’d seen in Hetkali, where there were high-rises along the beach reaching thirty stories into the sky. But it was a dozen stories, and had a tinted glass facade, making it as big and modern as anything in the RBA.

The woman pressed a red button next to the double brass-plated doors, spoke a few words in Rejistanian, and listened to a few words in reply. She turned to the apes and said in broken Bipedaleen, “We wait a minute.”

Pigpiggie looked around. The street was not too busy. He thought of lighting up a spliff. Unfortunately, he didn’t have one, so it was a moot thought.

“What that?” Zung asked, pointing down the street.

Pigpiggie took a look. “Think it omnibus.”

“What that?” Wonktickle asked.

“Think it omnibus,” Pigpiggie repeated, feeling annoyed.

“What omnibus?” Wonktickle clarified.

“Thing like they have in Bananaton,” Zung explained. “Like car, only bigger. Drive you around city.”

“We at bus stop,” Pigpiggie observed.

“We waiting for bus?” Wonktickle asked.

“Guess so.”

This surmise was borne out when the bus arrived a minute later. “Okay,” said the woman as the driver swung open the door. The apes climbed aboard and found seats. The bus pulled out and in the light traffic was a block away before they realized that their escort had not boarded with them.

“Where that human?” Pigpiggie asked.

It was Zung who spotted her, still standing in front of the building. She was jumping up and down and yelling.

“She missed bus!” Zung said.

Pigpiggie got up hurriedly to speak to the driver. “Hey! Our human back there!”

The driver seemed not to understand, and furthermore seemed annoyed that a passenger was standing on the wrong side of the yellow line. She also pointed at the fare box and spoke in a meaningful tone. Pigpiggie shrugged and went back to his seat.

“Where we going?” Zung asked.

“Don’t know.”

“Someone going to meet us when we get there?”

“Hope so.”

“Maybe we should get off, Pigpiggie.”

“Yeah, think so.”

The bus pulled up at a corner, and a new passenger began to board. The apes tried politely to pass her, but the driver began yelling at them and pointing at the fare box. They sat back down.

“I don’t think we supposed to get off yet,” Pigpiggie said.

The bus kept going. They had walked to the bus stop from the train station; by now they had covered at least as much ground, and were turning a corner, to boot.

“Where we at?” Wonktickle asked, watching the scenery nervously.

“Don’t know.”

“Where we going?” Zung asked.

“Don’t know!”

“You think we there yet?”

Pigpiggie shook his head. “Don’t know.”

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

The quadrennial World Cup group draw announcement and analysis article!

EAUZ -- It's Group E for the Lions this time around, with a couple familiar faces and some newcomers. Let's have the rundown.

Total n Utter Insanity
A bunch of arrogant [people] with their heads up their . Have a great tendency to underestimate opposition and as a result end up failing miserably. Oh, and we beat them in the World Cup 21 final, too.

[b]Cockbill Street
Only recently have the Streetians really come into their own and been true contenders for reaching the second round. They tend to have a good amount of spirit, and we think this will help them overcome the odds and pip TnUI to the post.

Liamist States
New to the World Cup proper, they were unfortunate enough to receive a very tough group. They'll probably bow out gracefully here.

Bedistan
Will, as always, find a way to achieve exactly one win, one draw, and one loss. Expect a win over Liamist States, a draw with TnUI, and a loss to the Street, most likely.

Prediction:
1st - Cockbill Street
2nd - Bedistan
3rd - Total n Utter Insanity
4th - Liamist States

"Gareth..."

"We win?"

"It's your last World Cup as FALE Chairman, you realise?"

"I do intend to stand for re-election to the FALE Board of Directors, but otherwise yes I know. Why?"

"While you're still in charge, the Board of Directors want you to man our project to bring the World Cup back to Liverpool England for WC28."

"But surely I can't, I'm 45. I'll be 65 then."

"You were thinking of staying on...?"

"Forget it. How did we do? Tadjikistan, yes?"

"Yeah, we played Tadjikistan in Eauz... some commie stadium."

"How'd we do? We never did well with commies..."

"We won 1-0 I think... O'Reilly scored for us."

"Plays for North Fence, doesn't he?"

"Yeah... not a Lox Lander though, nor a Kingsfordian."

"Good, good.... get his club to give him a raise."

"Yes, Gareth."

Audioslavia 2 Commerce Heights 2 & Audioslavia 0 Commerce Heights 20000000000000
OOC: http://terranordalis.thirdgeek.com/images/smiles/icon_razz.gif

The Rista Lokato Sun-Herald—Reporting all the news, even the suspicious stories

World Cup: Capitalizts fare well in World Cup double-header
REJISTANIA—For the first two hours of the event at Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan, an ordinary match occured between the Capitalizts and Audioslavia, unusual only in that four goals were scored. That draw was the prelude to a second World Cup match, which was much more significant. It would seem that the va’karela’ny at the stadium were somehow tampered with, as the match set the World Cup record for the most goals scored—probably more goals than all other soccer matches ever played, combined. The Audioslavian defense was unable to respond to almost instantaneous attacks by the Capitalizts. Halftime had to be delayed to investigate the va’karela malfunction, but no evidence of foul play was found. Another hour was taken in digging out an old baseball scoreboard to keep score in the match, but even that came close to being insufficient (10 digits for score by inning, 2 digits for total runs, two for hits, and two for errors makes only 16 digits). In the second half, the attacks just kept coming, and Audioslavia never even got a single shot at the goal. Although coach Darren Redner has no intention of spoiling anyone’s fun, he refused to honor team traditions when he said “there aren’t enough hats in the entire world for all these hattricks!”
Final Scores—First Round, Matchday 1:
Commerce Heights 2 (Driver 21, Jong 72)
Audioslavia 2—FT

Commerce Heights 20 000 000 000 000 (Lundgreen [3 972 005 192 633], Sutherland [3 267 647 277 805], Myres [2 293 206 469 143], Jong [2 125 534 398 941], Adang [2 125 480 815 536], Beddingfield [2 122 438 426 378], Driver [1 368 481 567 842], Gratz [846 704 234 083], Basnett [695 569 967 994], Garland [672 306 249 027], Lee [510 625 400 618])
Audioslavia 0—FT

Ashley Standard

Moral Victory
Team Scores A Goal, Still Looses To Sarzonia.

Chicanada takes home some sort of victory as they only lose their third match against Sarzonia in a months time 2-1.

*longer RP to follow when i am more conscious*

-------------

Back in Cana...

Quonesh: RABBLE, DAMN YOU!

The CFA Staff As A Whole: RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE

Quonesh: Somehow it worked before, maybe we can get it to work some more! Here comes Audioslavia!

Stars eke out Kodiacs, 2-1

The Sarzonian national football team played defence worthy of the best Karela playing sides in the world, allowing one goal in 14 matches of World Cup qualifying, including two straight clean sheets against Chicanada.

However, the Kodiacs weren't about to mail it in against a Stars team that is looking to repeat as champions. Chicanada pushed a goal past goalkeeper Horace Sandt, but the Stars still ended up on the winning side of the ledger, taking a 2-1 win over the fourth seeded team in Group A.

"We figured it was going to be a hard-fought battle and that's what it turned out to be," Coach Dave Wilson said. "World Cup finals wins are very precious."

In spite of Wilson's assurances the Stars weren't looking past Chicanada, the Stars played like a team that was expecting the Kodiacs to roll over for them but were "snapped to reality" according to midfielder Darwin Russell, when Chicanadan pressure led to an own goal in the 16th minute that had the group favourites looking at a 1-0 deficit.

"That was a wake up call," Russell said. "We started playing a lot better after that one."

The Stars weathered the Chicanada charge for the first 30 minutes of the match, when the Kodiacs fired eight shots, four on Sandt. However, the Kodiacs seemed to tire out and the Stars reasserted themselves, getting the equaliser on a 41st minute shot from forward Barry Alphonso that hit off the upright and off the goalkeeper's head into the net.

"I wasn't looking to play pinball wizard there, but I'll take it," he said.

"The Stars started out the second half looking to win the match and the full three points, but were thwarted again and again, until defender Mike Cole took advantage of lax marking and blasted a shot that caromed to reserve forward Kenny Cooper, who finished with textbook precision and gave the Stars the winning goal 11 minutes before time.

The Stars now play archrivals Commerce Heights, a team that Sarzonia have never beaten. For the Stars to break the streak, they will have to play much more aggressively than they did against Chicanada.

"We played like we were trying to feel out Chicanada," Wilson said. "That shouldn't have happened since we played them twice before. We shouldn't have to feel out Commerce Heights since we played them last time and we have a long history against each other." Wilson bristled when a reporter asked him about Audioslavia, the Stars' last opponent in the group stages.

"We'll talk about Audioslavia when the time comes to talk about them," he said. "Right now, I'm focusing on Commerce Heights."

Crystil Clear
Crystilakere 1 Harlesburg 0

Harlesburg no matter how hard they tried could not over come the difference between the two teams and the difference was an obvious one
Crystilakere with a point ranking of 40+ and Harlesbuirg's sitting at a lowly 3
truely showed how much work would need to be done for Harlesburg to advance.

Although Harlesburg did not get the win the closeness of the match was astounding and confidence building for all teams not highly rated and continued to give these 'underdogs' a glimmer of hope for the future.

Harlesburg now have a better idea of how much more they need to do to move on to the next round and at this stage a win is the most desired resulting which would put them in a tie for second in most scenerios leaving them their last game to make a decisive impression and advance.

Although Harlesburg lost 1-0 to Crystilakere the key thing is they only allowed one goal in the face of some persistent Crystilakere offence and no matter how hard Harlesburg tried and they did have a fair amount of chances they could not breach a solid wall of Crystilakereian defenders.

Harlesburgs first chance can=me in the first ten minutes when ollaun Sallasan came racing into the box and connected with a well placed pass from Hassim Salad unforunatly the ball richoted off the outside of the post and into the crowd,the ball had been 9 or so inches from putting Harlesburg one up.

Harlesburg's second almost chance was in the 19th minute when Leroy Brown ran onto a Charles Bompmore pass which left 2 Crystilakereian Defenders in his wake and with another two closing in he let rip with a shot from just outside the box but it went high and another chance was missed.

From here on it was slow sailing for Harlesburg as Crystilakere took more of an upper hand and by the end of the half Harlesburg had had 4 shots on goal and only 2 of them were anywhere near on target where as the Crystilakereian's had had 6 and 4 respectivly.

From the outset of the second half the Crystilakereian's started to dominate and in the 52nd minute went forward with some force and opened the scoring through some beautiful passing work which resulted in an indescripable goal....

Harlesburg seemed to get the message and started to claw their way back into the game and by the 67th minute had out shot the oppositon 2 to 1 though many of these shots were pressure shots or were easily swatted or held by the Keeper.
Harlesburg rang in the changes in the 78th minute to try and get that equalizer but it was to no avail and Sladersents 88th minute shot being deflected away to be cleared by the defence extinguished the hopes of Harlesburg.

Harlesburg Coach had this to say.
"Well it was heartbreaking to see that last chance finish in such a way the guys wore and put their hearts on their sleeves tonight and we made those guys work really hard for that win it was showen out there on the field in front of 70000 fans here at the Karela Stadium.
Our next match is against Krytenia and im sure we can pull something out of that weve shown weve deserve something and it might just put a cork in the moves of some of those Crystilakere fans thinking they would thrash us that didnt happen and they know it!"
Group B Schedule:

MD1: Crystilakere 1 vs. Harlesburg 0@ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Krytenia vs. Svecia @ Estadije Hanin Sekhika

MD2: Crystilakere vs. Svecia @ Estadije Najajara Ynu
Krytenia vs. Harlesburg @ Estajie Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora

MD3 Crystilakere vs. Krytenia @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali
Svecia vs. Harlesburg @ Estadije Vaje~n Sekhika

Jeruselem Government News

So close, yet to far for Jeruselem

This is Crazy Dave reporting the World Cup XXIII for JGN. El Cid the Hero was playing Jeruselem in a Group D, and Jeruselem had yet to win group stage game. And nothing changed ... we lost another group game. It's enough to make people become Crazy, like me.

El Cid the Hero did win, but had to fight of a valant Jeruselem in game which a Rejistanian would like. The 1-0 over Jeruselem was enough to put EL Cid the Hero on the same points as .... Fmjphoenix, yes the Vikings won their game. They beat System Karela, sorry that was Rejistania, with score of ... 1-0. Yes Rejistania could defend but not score.

This means one thing, we must beat System Karela and the Vikings to have any chance of making the finals. If we do, bookmakers all over the known universe will lose lots of money and our record in group stage just sucks.

The Daily Druid

FAMILIAR SCORELINE STRIKES
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Druida 0 The Weegies 0

Hmmm. I'm not quite sure why we were expecting this, but somehow, we were.

Druida, creators of the Karela Wodden Spoon for nil-nils come to World Cup 23, and what is their first result? A 0-0.

Yay. And they're still illegal back home, so we're not allowed to report on the game. As far as you back home are concerned, it probably never took place. So we'll just bring you coverage of the Druidan elections, where over one person voted, meaning that it couldn't end up nil-nil.


IDDER WINS ELECTION
By Trevor Griffin

Margaret Smith is no longer President of Druida! In a cruel twist of fate, his former friend Andrew Trevor Idder has not only beaten him in the election, but taken his political reputation and smashed it to a pulp!

Over a billion Druidans voted, and over 750 million voted for Idder, giving him the biggest margain of victory since Trevor Smith won his first election way back when.

On winning, Idder read out a statement saying that this was "a win for soberity over alcoholism, a win for sensibility over absurdity and, most of all, a win for the people."

Idder's first action as President was to rename all the Mock Welsh named towns and cities across the country, as soberity has made people realise that Mock Welsh was simply another way of saying we talked gibberish. Cefn City is now Soberity City, for example, and Llllllllllcwllllllll is Thackworth. The regions of the country are also to now be named Clans, in honour of our former neighbour The Lowland Clans. Indeed, the most south-easterly of all Druida's Clans will be simply known as Lowland Clan.

However, two areas where odd languages and place names remain are in Zobordi and New Europa, where the levels of alcoholism seem to be stuck at similar levels to before, because, hey, we're getting along fine already!

LOVUN Sport

Good start in final.


Lovisa tie with Vilita 1-1 in first group match in final WC.
They was great show lovisan and vilitian players. Vilita is excellent team one of the best in the world. We was very gladly to play with him, and the results is very good for us. Vilita probably will be no problem to win with The Weegis and Driuda. one poits is very important for our team. Now the next match between Lovisa and Druida will be very interesting and important who advance to next round Lovisa or Druida.
Thanks Vilita for interesting match.

Vilita - Lovisa 1-1

1-0 :Vilitian player, 16'
1-1 :Christian Bruck 47'

Late strike gives Fmjphoenix historic win against Rejistania

It was the classic struggle of offense verses defense, or in the rejistanian language, takil vs. karela. And in the confines of the home of Karela, you would think the power of the defense has the best chance. And even when you look at the score, it truely was a defensive struggle. But in the end, it was a shot on the wing by Mike Nolan in the 84th minute that sealed the match. With it, the Vikings suprisingly gets them selves the first win in their first meeting with the Karelan masters 1-0.

James Wash has changed his coaching philosophy a lot, and has changed the mentalliy of the Vikings. Before, where they would try and force their way into a situation and would normally implode upon themselves. Today, they took their time and played at the pace set by the Rejistanians. Although they are an attack first team, they were able to change their play to suit the Rejistanians. It was 28 minutes before the Vikings even touched the ball, when a lone shot was sent to Powell Lamar. He easily cought it up and tossed it in so they could go at it. But it would not be until the end of the first half that anyone would take another shot. Dave Daniels would get one shot off in the 44th minute, but it hit the crossbar and went over the net. The second half, Fmjphoenix managed to take a shot at the 49th minute, a virtue that they started with control of the ball. It was a shot attempted by Larry Brown, but it was deflected back to a one of the many Rejistanian defenders. It was a good 20 minutes until the Karelans decided to try for a shot. With the clock sitting at the 74th minute, Nolan realized that it was time to get something done. Of course that is a tall order against the Rejistania defense. But a furious rush by the front seven players of the Vikings is not something easy to defend. Despite the many players in the backfield, Nolan managed to get down the right side unmarked. Jason Mitchell lobbed up a pass that sailed 20 feet over to a Nolan all alone. He came in a little more and chipped the ball up and over the keeper in the 84th minute for a goal.

The thousands of fans that were in green suprisingly matched the ammount of orange and blue in the stadium. But now the Vikings will leave behind Estadiji Ines Karela Lines and head to Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali to play EL CID THE HERO. The Vikings have not played them before and are still unaware of the result of their match against Jeruselam. Whatever the result is, the Vikings at least get to be in first for a day, as they have 3 points. They are possibly one more win away from making it past the second round, something they did not do in their first and only other entry into the World Cup proper.

Fmjphoenix: 1 - Rejistania: 0
Nolan 84 - None

The match in the most prestigous stadium was highly anticipated. Estadije Ines Karela Lines was sold out completely. The temple made sure that the takilan fmjphoenices changed their tactics to something legal in Rejistania. Due to this, 100 va'karela'ny were hidden in the stadium. Despite the ymeti'tan rejistaniha, it worked perfectly: The fmjphoenices were playing a pro-forma attacking lineup, but here, in the cathedral of defense, all tactical orders were forgotten and the match was played defensively from both sides. The 'Vikings' nearly conceded in the 20th minute, but the sudden strike of the Orange-Blues went wide. Jiujia Makae was not pleased with that shot. The few chances of the Vikings in the first half were handled by the rejistanian defense with ease since the Vikings were too karelan to make veritable attempts to attack.

During half time, monks entered the room of the Orange-Blues where Siki Rej told the Junis-Omeh'ny what the Hexatux calculated. "Rijat [Redy] show more simu when going into duels, you were too afraid today" then he interrupted and looked at the monks.

"Do you support Karela?" asked one of the monks in a dark voice.

"You know that I do!" answered Siki. The others nodded.

"When you support Karela, you should know that fmjphoenix is terribly misled. But if they see that System Karela works, it will start to cure them. They will see that defense works. The Vikings will win, iln'la'hadada su?"

"Yes" answered Siki. After the monks left, he explained them that one slight mistake in the end of the match could mean the loss the monks wanted.

Fmjphoenix 1 (Nolan 84)
Rejistania 0

Time: 4:63AM
location: Rejistania, Doomhammer’s hotel room.

Doomhammer is by his phone awaiting the call form S.Sam. Only then will he know how well the lions did. It starts to ring so he picks it up.

DH: hello?

SS: Hi sir. It me.

DH: before you begin can I just ask why you couldn’t have got me a hotel with a TV so I could have watched the match.

SS: sir, as I will…

DH: or just have got me a car so I could have driven to the stadium.

SS: well there was a…

DH: or just have got me a hotel that was nearer to the WC is actually taking place so I could have got a taxi or something.

SS: sir. As I said. This was the only room left in the entire country.

DH: and as I said. How in hell is it possible for an entire country to have no free beds?

SS: That’s… not important. The point is we defeated Jeruselem 1-nill. You should be…

DH: don’t try and distract me. I don’t care what you do. GET ME A ROOM WITH A TV THAT IS LESS THAN A MILE FROM THE WC’s CENTER! Is that clear!!!!

SS: …ok. I’ll get onto that right now.

DH: good. See that you do.

Doomhammer puts the phone down. On the other end of the line S.Sam get out of the Jacuzzi, walks through his personal five star massage parlour and into his luxury eight star apartment. His laptop is on the bed trying to bid for a new video card on Ebay with one of Doomhammer’s credit cards.

K: hey Sid. Can you give the 3 key a quick prod for me please? That one always gets stuck.

SS: Don’t calling me Sid!. Anyway why are you using Doomhammer’s credit card to bid on Ebay? Couldn’t you just hack into the system and rig it or something?

K: I could yes. But were the funs in that? This way I not only get to compete against people all over the world but I also get to bankrupt Doomhammer.

SS: you really are Kirby aren’t you.

K: Indeed I am. Anyway now I’m going to access several porn sites simultaneously destroying Doomhammer’s credit rating and reputation.

SS: Instead of that could you give him a way of giving him a room closer to the football matches?

K: well… since we did sell his reservation at this hotel to buy lunch for that group of hobos… I think that can be arranged

SS: perfectomondo.

OOC: Squorn, if only you could spell. One 'T', two 'N's, is that so hard? Too much time with the incorrect Europa Brittania for you, I think ;) Thanking you please.

OOC: You'd be correct there. I've played them quite a few times. Sorry about that.

IC:
Squornshelous Un-Scored-Against Again

Pschychoes defeat Kylaai to open the cup
Squornshelous recorded another clean sheet victory, this time against Kylaai, those mixed up Lykaia-related people. Squornshelous' lone goal was scored by Brian Guerrero, his tenth of the tournament. The ball was passed in to the middle by Jorge Perez, and a well rested Guerrero, who sat out the Pschychoes' last qualifying match, fired on the volley, sending it past the keeper.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 1-0 Kylaai

Scoring Summary
SQU: Guerrero [31]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 10
Skritsch: 6
Popov: 4
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1
Persson: 1

Up Next:
Nova Britannicus (one t, two n's) will be an interesting challenge for the Pschychoes. In the only match between the two sides, NB won, and Squornshelous will be anxious for revenge.

Karela Working too well

Les Bleus kicked off the 23rd World Cup playing in Bordeux, one of the older stadiums of Eauz. They were playing against Nova Britannicus, who apparently had played only one match against Eauz, where they tied 1 – 1, but Eauz officials deny this, explaining that, the tie, being reported by NB officials is just propaganda, and that Eauz is undefeated against NB. Nonetheless, it appeared that NB were attempting to challenge the Axis alliance pact, which ensured that Karela would be a major factor in all matches during the World Cup, as NB fielded a 3 – 2 – 5 lineup. Eauz, being fair the the pact, were playing their 5 – 4 – 1 formation.

The fans seemed pretty calm and relaxed, as there was very little history between these two teams. Though, a very small group of Spruitland fans were booing the introduction of NB players. It appeared that Karela was in strong force during this match, as most attacks by NB were stopped halfway between the centre field and the Eauz net. Both keepers had a relaxing first half too, as both had to only save 2 shots on net. One could see a difference in fan interest for this match, as NB fans were mostly falling asleep, while Eauz fans were proud of the great defense their team was playing. The first half ended with NB having 58% possession of play.

The crowd woke up a bit, as out of nowhere, a Spruitland fan threw a cabbage on the field during play, in an attempt to hit an NB player. The NB player mixed up the ball with the cabbage and sent a long shot towards the net, and somehow managed to go past the Eauz keeper. NB thought they scores, but after finding out it was a cabbage, the goal was revoked. Quite possibly, the 100 va'karela'ny installed in the stadium, must have been taking more of its share of power late in the match, as the stadium found out that Rejistania had given up a goal in the most well known place for Karela to exist in Rejistania. Due to this possible problem, experts are expecting the connections and systems to ensure no bugs occur for the next cup.

Nonetheless, Eauz and NB finished up the match at 0 – 0, and for Eauz fans, they saw it as a positive, but had also hoped that their team could get off to a victory. Les Bleus will play their next match at Le stade de Socialism, against a very unknown team for Les Bleus in Kylaai. Les Bleus are playing this match as a MUST win, if they expect to have any chance in advancing to the next round.

In a cave below the temple of Karela, one of the monks polished the va'karela'ny... "the day will come", he murmurred in his native language "soon!"

RP-cutoff

Vikings nearly steal one away from the EL CID, draw even to keep tie for 1st

With the score at 2-2 in the final minute of the match, Shelly Berry thought she had everything under control. The Vikings attack was coming up, she recieved a pass on the right side, cut back, and fired. The shot was a bueaty, it looked like it was going to drop right in. But it didn't drop down to the net, instead it stayed up and hit the crossbar and dropped into the hands of Kim Dash, and it was over. But it was more than enough for the Vikings, as they played an excellent match and drew EL CID THE HERO 2-2 to remain in a tie with them for 1st place in Group D.

It was the match to decide who would jump into first place. ECTH came out on the pitch prepared to go for the win. Captian Mike Nolan and his team looked fierce and ready to go. Right at the beginning of the match though, ECTH showed the expierence taking a 1-0 lead early on. Smith Connor came through on the left side of the net getting to a shot that Powell Lamar had deflected from Jim Quite. Conner kicked it right back to Lamar, and he could not react fast enough to stop it. That was in the 11th minute. The next 15 minutes was spent with lots of passing around between the Vikings midfield. But finally an opportunity to strike presented itself. Jason Mitchell passed up to Larry Brown, who was flanked by Dave Daniels and Shelly Berry. But about 10 feet from the net was Nolan, alone. Brown passed to the left to Berry, and she lofted the ball in the air to Nolan. Without waiting for it to hit the ground, he jumped and kicked the ball hard and right past Dash for a 1-1 tie in the 38th minute. ECTH recieved a penelty kick in the 43rd minute after a rough challenge by Bobby Bash. But the kick was wide right and ECTH did not manage to make any other attempts for the first half. Despite only half of the match has been played, it was very fast paced and exciting, the type of football Fmjphoenix loves to play.

The second half saw the Vikings take their first lead in the match. It was in the 52nd minute when they managed another goal. This time it was produced by Larry Brown. After a kick was cleared by Lamar, he passed up to Leider Duran. But he was meet by Prog Kraid and was forced to pass off to Hud Lawson. After a little more running, Lawson crossed to Eli Grimm on the other side. While Grimm was heading upfield, he saw Brown running up. Grimm's pass hit Brown right in stride and he didn't have to slow a bit. Brown was rushing into the box and Dash was coming up to meet him. Despite his speed heading in, Brown managed to slow it down enough to chip it over Dash and noone could get to the ball before it rolled slowly into the net for a 2-1 Fmjphoenix lead. After gaining the lead, the Coach Wash yelled for his team to not press. And that is what they did. They stayed back to try and protect their lead. It worked for a good half hour too. But in the 83rd minute, ECTH managed to strike back, this time thanks to the head of Fred Gruber. His header came rather ackwardly too. Smith Connor went in looking for his second goal of the match. His show was high and slammed into the crossbar and bounced back pretty far. That waswhere Gruber came in. He timed himself and jumped up right before Ryan Fremont was able to get his head on it. Lamar made a diving attempt to get to it, but it was just a little to far out of his reach. With that, it was 2-2. Then in the final minute, Berry's attempt was close, just not close enough.

This was an exceptional match played by the Vikings. With the 2-2 draw, Fmjphoenix remains tied with EL CID THE HERO for first place in Group D. Next up for Fmjphoenix, is Jeruselam. ECTH defeated Jeruselam 1-0 in matchday 1. So although nothing can be said for certian, the Vikings are feeling confident. They are playing well and are in a good position in the group. We plan on hearing more with a possible interview with the Vikings captian, Mike Nolan. We will let you know more when we know it.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - EL CID THE HERO: 2
Nolan 38, Brown 52 - Connor 11, Gruber 83

Stars stumped against Heights

The Sarzonian national football team has accomplished much since its beginnings during the first-ever AOCAF tournament, winning three championship trophies on the world stage and earning a sterling won-loss record. However, coming into the match against traditional rivals Commerce Heights, the Stars had never defeated the team that had long been higher-rated.

They still haven't. Even though the Stars were the top ranked team in the world, the Stars could only muster a 0-0 draw, just the second for the team in a tournament marked with many such scorelines. Whilst the Stars offence was stymied by the Capitalizts repeatedly, goalkeeper Horace Sandt played perhaps his most impressive match of this World Cup qualification season, turning aside six shots and commanding the area aggressively.

"If it weren't for Hor, we don't get even one point [for a draw]," Coach Dave Wilson said. "He was a rock for us out there."

The Stars (1-1-0, four points) remain at least tied for first place in the group pending the Audioslavia-Chicanada result. Regardless of the result, Wilson said the team needed to play aggressively to defeat the Slaves for the first time in three tries.

"They're a quality football programme, no doubt about it," Wilson said. "You don't get to this stage of the World Cup without being a quality side. We're going to go out there to play for three points. We don't want this to come down to tiebreakers."

If the Stars fail to advance to the knockout stages of World Cup XXII, they would not be the first top ranked side to fail to advance. Total 'n Utter Insanity finished without a win or a draw during the group stage of World Cup XXII after earning the top spot in the world rankings following qualification. For the Stars to avoid that fate, they say they're going to need to win against the Slaves.

"We don't do well when we play it safe," Wilson said. "We've got to play balls to the wall football."

thsd:NEWS

Va'Karela Vanquished, Varnish Victorious

THEY came bearing several dozen pots of finest puce ChemindusVarnish. They saw the powerful blue orbs, with their eerie glow. They conquered them with a good dip of the latter into the former. Then they went to play football.

And what a game the Caleys played! An exciting five-goal thriller against Harlesburg that drew gasps of horror from the Rejistanian neutrals in the crowd, but had both sets of the more partisan fans screaming till they were as blue as their respective replica shirts. It took only four minutes for the scoring to begin, as Kevin Keda latched onto a Lovitz through ball and stroked a strike just beyond Michael Chapworth's stretched fingertips. Much midfield madness followed, both sides attempting to gain the advantage, neither succeeding. Krytenia almost made it two on twenty-six minutes, however Chapworth saved well from a ranged Andy Tay shot.

Just before the break, however, it was "Game On" as Harlesburg equalised. It was a rare error from Nigel Cole that allowed Alex Wertson to break through. He got to the bye-line and fired in a fiendish cross, where Micheal Sladeresent rose to nod home. One-all at half time, and after the break something very unexpected happened. Harlesburg took the lead.

Truth be told, the 'Burg were the faster starters in the second half, and once Sallasan used his pace to get past Goodley, the clipped finish was a mere formality. Harlesburg seemed happy to try and defend after that, neither Neasden nor Keda could get a sniff of the ball. So manager Alan Munitis did something almost tantamount to treason in Rejistania. He took of Lovitz and Isserson, put on Xousa and Lausano, and switched to the self-styled "System Munitis", a 3-3-4.

Sixty seconds later, the move bore fruit as the Caleys equalised. Lausano's lightning pace caused untold problems for the Harlesburg defence, and when Neasden's long-range effort was only parried by Chapworth, Lausano was only too happy to snaffle the rebound. Two-two, and another point to add to the hard earned single against Svecia?

Not so. A corner with seven minutes to go was floated up by Castro, Freeman's header only sent the ball towards his own goal line, and Neasden got something, anything, on the end of it to send the ball into the onion bag.

With Crystilakere-Svecia tomorrow, here's alook at the Group B table:

NATION P W D L F A PT
Krytenia 2 1 1 0 4 3 4
Crystilakere 1 1 0 0 1 0 3
Svecia 1 0 1 0 1 1 1
Harlesburg 2 0 0 2 2 4 0

Only if the Crystils and Lightning draw will a point not suffice for the Caleys to qualify for Round Two for the first time. Krytenia v Crystilakere - The vengeance comes now!


KRYTENIA - 3
Keda 4
Lausano 75
Neasden 83

HARLESBURG - 2
Sladeresent 43
Sallasan 51

QUALIFYING
MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States D 0-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama D 0-0
MD9: H v Garinas W 3-0 (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare W 2-1
MD11: H v Buben W 2-0 (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous L 1-2 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix L 1-4 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine StatesW 1-0

FINALS
R1 MD1: N v Svecia D 1-1
R1 MD2: N v Harlesburg W 3-2
R1 MD3: N v Crystilakere

Ashley Standard

One Point
Team Gets Tie 'Gainst 'Slavia, Still In Hunt.

Comming off a moral victory against Sarzonia, the Kodiaks of Chicanada, thanks to some brilliant displays of creativity by Raslan Seregn, managed to gain their first ever World Cup Finals point thanks to a nil-all draw, giving the nation a 1-1-1 record against the squad.

The tie puts the Kodiaks (0-1-1, 1 point) within striking distance of qualifying for the Round of 16. Yes, qualifying. We're looking at a bracket like this:

Region 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 4 1 1 0 2:1 1
2. Audioslavia 2 0 2 0 2:2 0
Commerce Heights 2 0 2 0 2:2 0
4. Chicanada 1 0 1 1 1:2 -1

Which, in the grand scheme of things, means that all the Kodiaks have to do is beat, in their first ever meeting, Commerce Heights and hope the GD breaks their way should Sarzonia trip up against Audioslavia again (wait, we have a better record that the #1 team in the NS world against Audioslavia? Color us green and gold!) A tie won't do, just a win.

Hey, hope always springs eternal for the Kodiaks.

The game was more boring than the speculation. Seregn was back in goal after being pulled halfway through the Sarzonia game, and played some great ball to keep the shots out of the goal. The Kodiaks 4-2-4 scheme also clicked well, even with the lack of goals on the national side. Going into their final game, could things be clicking just in time to advance? We shall see.

And rabble relentlessly until we know.

-------------

Back in Chicanada...

A whole nation of Kodiak Fans: RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE

Englanders Cursed By Taderekansa, eh
Some Idiot scores at the Temple de Karela

Starblaydia were getting into the swing of things yesterday, taking all this 'Karela' bollocks vaguely-seriously. 'Bugger it', they thought, 'lets see if this all-out-defending thing works'. And so they tried.


13
Prokopsis

6
14 5 Caltabiano 20 2
13 Vidal Gre Hernandez Terrenson 3
Graydon Steliopolous

*4* 14
Ogunniya Cuevo

10
Mitrofanis


Very defensive, as you can see. Four man-marking defenders, a spare sweeper and two wing-backs providing the main defence, with two defending midfielders and a big strong target man who can put in a tackle or two. By following the rules, Starblaydia's 7-2-1 would be victorious at Eauz's home of defending.

There was just one problem.

That problem being, of course, where the principle of 'Karela' falls down slightly. To win, you have to score more goals than the other team. To score more goals, your attack has to be better or luckier, overall, than the opposition's defence. People sitting in their Liverpool England homes would, deep down, recognise that Starblaydia were by far the better team, but in this match they were unlucky, And, hopefully, Liverpool England are cursed forever by the gods of defending. So don't be surprised if they conceed a hatful to Lethislavania in their next match.

Here's hoping.

Starblaydia 0-1 Liverpool England
No, we don't believe it either - it's not a printing error, Starblaydia didn't win 10-1

Liverpool England beat Starblaydia 1-0 in Eauz, but that's not the point. the point is... uh... it's not a printing error, and Starblaydia didn't really win 10-1. Or did they? What we know is Lawrence O'Reilly scored his second in as many matches to send the Terminators into the last sixteen in Eauz and Rejistania, and Douglas Freech, current manager, will rest easy knowing he can rest players for the last match against Lethislavania.

Freech will be mostly wanting to avoid playing Bedistan in the second round, which could happen if Bedistan finish second in Group E (and Liverpool England top Group F) or vice-versa. Other possibilities are Total n Utter Insanity, out for revenge after a failed WC22 campaign in Liverpool England (going 0-0-3 as reigning number 1s), or Cockbill Street.

Today’s headlines…

0 Out Of 3?
Bell: "Well, It Looks Bloody Likely"
Team Faces Equal Worst Ever Streak
Liam & Co Media

Bah? Call That A Win?
Liamists Only Lose By Two Again
Liamist States Times

50th Goal Conceded In 15th Loss
Marmadukes Notch Up Records With Their 50th International Tomorrow
Soccer & Babes Magazine

LivEng Media Rule Out Marmaduke Challenge in Ro16
Simply Because Its Mathemically Impossible!
We Ask: Whats Maths Done For Anyone?
Soccer Monthly

Education Delegation Returns From TnUI
"Those Bastards Are Nuts"
CDL Courier

Nancy Sinatra's 'Bang Bang' plays against a sepia-tinted backdrop. The backdrop seems to be a stadium in Kaze Progressa. Familiar dancing figures then start to run accross the pitch, in almost slow motion. The opening lines of the song are played alongside a couple of slow-motion passages of play. Aaron O`Malley rolls the ball past a Rejistania defender. Aaron O`Hara gets the ball off of Syku Lyku, and Audioslavia score their first goal through David Maidens. The celebrations cut out during the chorus of 'bang bang he shot me down' to make way for the clips of the Rejistania goal and the Audioslavian missed penalties. The second verse is accompanied by the same slow-motion, sepia-tinted style shots, only this time it shows Audioslavia's final with Crystilakere in WC19. The WC20 final comes after, showing Vilita's goal and some tired Audioslavian footballers on the knees at the final whistle. The song fades into Lemmy Nova's 'Autumn Leaves' as the sepia shots are replaced by black and white footage of Audioslavia's games in WC21 and WC22. The goals from the 2-0 defeat by Total 'n Utter Insanity are interspersed with the goals the 'slaves concede through the tournament, and pictures of the 'slaves looking just piss poor. WC22's footage is similar, showing Oaker out-playing the team. Footage of the 'slaves leaving the pitch is accompanied by the fading out of the song's weird surf-jazz solo. That solo is replaced, unbelievably, by the opening chimes of AC/DC's 'Hells Bells' as if to symbolise the death knell of Audioslavian football. The scene however, cuts into footage of Audioslavia's near perfect qualifying run for World Cup 23. Jan Arne Hellstrom, Pierre Cesare and Kristen Dvorak are all shown scoring goals, before the song's solo comes in and the opening title sequence for Channel One's coverage of World Cup 23 is shown. Hello, its World Cup 23.

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Commerce Fights
2-2 Draws Positives
1
Celta

2 15 6 3
Colgan Y.Smashnov Ceulemans Raven
4
Battle
7 11
Jeroen Torrini
8
Dvorak
10 9
Hellstrom Cesare
----------------------------------------------------
36 38 37
Driver Basnett Lundgreen

31 32
Beddingfield 21 22 Jong
Sutherland Adang

17 16
Maffet 6 7 Gratz
Lee Myres

1
Garland


Last night, Audioslavia kicked off their nineteenth world cup finals appearance with a two-all draw against old hands Commerce Heights. In years gone by could possibly have been more scathing about the team, about losing the lead early on and then losing it again right after equalising, and also about the low quality of play, but this is a different Audioslavia team. The Marriots, the O`Malleys and the Brackens don't exist in 'slavian football any longer and although the current team boasts two excellent players in Taurxa Jeroen and Jan Arne Hellstrom, the side isn't comparable to former incarnations of the claret and green.

Nevertheless, there were at least snippets of vintage Audioslavian football against Commerce Heights, although we had to dig deep way into the match to find them. The CH Bulldogs took the lead after just eight minutes following a heavy spell of pressure which the 'slaves had no answer for. If Basnett's strike gave us the heebejeebies about a first-round knock out then the next half hour didn't help. The Bulldogs kept up the pressure, Basnett coming close again with a header before Al Driver rattled the cross-bar from close range.

With half-time approaching however, the 'slaves pulled themselves together and started dealing with the CH attacks better, even getting a few shots in themselves before the break, with Hellstrom blasting over the bar with a long range effort.

Their progression into the game carried on into the second half where the 'slaves put the pressure on for the first time. Hellstrom was again in the thick of it with two good opportunities, but it was Kristen Dvorak who finally got the equaliser, finishing off a slick passing move to beat the keeper Kraig Garland. Garland was possibly distracted by Hellstrom's cry of 'save that Judy!' but no matter, the 'slaves were back in the game.

For all of two minutes.

A swift attack later Commerce Heights made it 2-1, Lundgreen playing the ball through for Driver to put past Gaberiel Celta to the sound of 'save that, angel!' from Basnett. Audioslavia's defence was nowhere.

It was a long, steady, slow slog for the 'slaves to get back into the game, with Commerce Heights defending their slender lead resoloutely, but a breakthrough finally came when Taurxa Jeroen beat two defenders on the right and hit a low, hard cross across the box. Cesare missed it, but Kristen Dvorak was on hand to finish the ball into the top corner for two-all, just four minutes from time.

FINAL SCORE
COMMERCE HEIGHTS 2 (Basnett 8, Driver 54)
AUDIOSLAVIA 2 (Dvorak 52, 86)

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Handy Chicanda Hold 'Slaves
0-0 draw. 'Slaves have it all to do against champions
1
Celta

16 15 6 3
Caravaggio Y.Smashnov Ceulemans Raven
22
O`Hara
7 11
Jeroen Torrini
8
Dvorak
10 9
Hellstrom Cesare
----------------------------------------------------
10 9
11 Prade Kozten 7
Jezbil Kleriton

4 8
Loeri Westington

3 2
Venlil 5 6 Dallas
Xavierden Noebi

1
Lisbon

Lets leave this match alone shall we? Audioslavia 0, Chicanda 0. Not a lot you can say about it apart from not even a nuclear powered seperator could seperate the teams. They could have played for ninety hours and the score would still have been 0-0.

The 0-0 is significant for only one reason. It happened in the world cup, and it means the 'slaves have to beat the reigning champions in order to progress to the second round.

Region 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 4 1 1 0 2:1 1
2. Audioslavia 2 0 2 0 2:2 0
3. Commerce Heights* 2 0 2 0 2:2 0
4. Chicanada 1 0 1 1 1:2 -1
*Audioslavia are ahead by virtue of alphabetical order (ahem)

To have a realistic chance of getting to the second round, the 'slaves have to beat Sarzonia. Sarzonia are the world champions? Yes, indeed they are. It is this little nugget of information - along with Audioslavia's free-fall to ninth in the world rankings - which is leaving a bitter taste in the mouths of the hardcore Audioslavian fans. What we have to face is, of course, that Sarzonia are better. They play better football, they're faster and more skilfull, and the 'slaves will have to overcome something special not only on the pitch, but within themselves, in order to beat them.

Should the 'slaves fail to win, then a draw could be enough, but only if its a score-draw, and Commerce Heights draw with Chicanda. If this is the case, then the 'slaves will only progress if their draw gives them more goals than Commerce Heights. Should both matches finish 0-0 or 1-1 or any score draw, then the 'slaves will play Commerce Heights in a playoff match - which is how we got ourselves knocked out last time.

Whatever the outcome, there will be a couple of billion tv's blaring the match on channel one.

Good luck teh 'slaves!

Tadjikistan 1 - 0 Lethislavania

The last few matches of the qualifications were similar to the first match on the World Cup, losses. And here in the group stage, each point becomes twice as important as those in the qualifications. So the Tadjiks had to get serious and do something about it.

The result was a cautious victory against the weaker side of the group, Lethislavania. But it wasnt too easy for the Tigers. Lethislavnaia too had lost its first match and was out to get some points but the Tigers slighty better and scored the only goal. An valuable goal as it seems now.

While the Tigers won against Lethislavania, Liverpool England took the full three points from the favourites of the group, Starblaydia. Who are also Tadjikistans third and last opponents in the group stage, and possible the last of this World Cup for the Tadjiks.
They'll have to win this one and with their recent lack of success many supporters fear that it will go wrong.


Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Liverpool England 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
2. Starblaydia 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
Tadjikistan 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
4. Lethislavania 0 0 0 1 0:2 -2

Street Fight Back
Last Chance Against Bedistan

Rewind to twenty-four years ago, the World Cup in Kaze Progressa and Vilita. The Streetians had one win, one loss, after having gone down to Raptor Claw, of all things. Against a struggling Bedistani side - one of their worst - both sides required a victory. And Nick Yu - universally hated in the Street by now - ensured that the Bedistanis won.

Now, we're in World Cup 23, there's hardly anyone left alive of those playing against Bedistan back then, yet the situation is eerily similar. Granted, Bedistan have been playing better, beating Liamist States 2-0 in the first match, and the result of their match with Total n Utter Insanity - of 0-0 - means that they are not as desperate for a win. However, they could still be knocked out, if the Streetians win by enough goals - and after the 1-3 demolition at the hands of Total n Utter Insanity, their goal difference needs to be seriously boosted.

However, it will be tough, even basing on yesterday's game with the Liamist States. The match was very even in the first half, the Marmadukes going out in a strange 5-2-3 formation and relying on long passes and counter-attacks. That worked very well, captain Hal Bell having little problems with winning air duels against Olivine and Gold-telluride, and his passes to Iziary and Dressel created many dangerous chances. The greatest one came after twenty-eight minutes, Iziary dribbling past Orson Kent before smashing the ball towards the goal - however, Sam Peterson got a hand to it, deflecting it into the post.

Slowly, however, the Marmadukes ran out of energy, and the Street could take over in front of goal as well as on the rest of the pitch. Thus, it was no surprise when Rhianna Peters headed in the 1-0 goal, heading in a cross from Travis Robertson, with two minutes to spare.

In the second half, the Street kept pouring it on, as the Marmaduke attempts to counter-attack became few and far between. However, the odd chance was still there, and it was only thanks to a magnificent diving save from Peterson when Hal Bell fired a shot from twenty metres. The Street, however, rode off with a 2-0 victory, substitute Hugo Ramirez scoring his first finals goal eight minutes from time with a cheeky lob over Rainford Jr in the Liamist goal.

Next week's match against Bedistan, then, will be crucial. We have just received reports that the match between them and Total n Utter Insanity ended 0-0, so if the Streetians draw with Bedistan, they're most likely to get knocked out with four points (they need Liamist States to beat the living daylights of Total n Utter Insanity). A win, however, will ensure qualification to the second round, and it will be a tough task for Christine Andrews' lads (and dwarves, and trolls, and lasses)

COCKBILL STREET 2 (Robertson 43, Ramirez 81)
LIAMIST STATES 0

Total n Utter Insanity 2 1 1 0 3-1 4
Bedistan 2 1 1 0 2-0 4
Cockbill Street 2 1 0 1 3-3 3
Liamist States 2 0 0 2 0-4 0

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Karelan Lions? Has the world gone mad?

EAUZ -- Everything seemed fairly normal actually in the first match of the World Cup group stage against the Liamist States. Bedistan lined up in their standard 3-5-2 and played a picture-perfect example of Bedistani football, focusing on ball control and firing shots into the net when given a good opportunity. Two of those good opportunities produced goals, one for each of Bedistan's strikers, and the match ended with a comfortable 2-0 result.

finalscore
Bedistan 2 (Orr 19, Vantrease 46)
Liamist States 0

Then came the second match against Total n Utter Insanity. This time, the Lions knew that the Insanicians would be out for revenge after the World Cup 21 final, and they were determined not to let it happen. Bedistan played the match in a highly defensive manner, which many fans weren't too happy about, but it got the desired result: 0-0.

finalscore
Bedistan 0
Total n Utter Insanity 0


nextmatch
"We've got four points going into the Cockbill Street match," says Bedistan Sports Television football commentator and analyst Mike Green III. "That puts us in a good position, because all we have to do is not lose and we'll be making our merry way to the second round. And it'll be TnUI joining us unless we get a very specific set of results. Namely, a draw for us against the Street coupled with a three-goal win for the Liamist States over TnUI, which is highly unlikely. But the possibility is there."

"On the other hand, if we lose," he continues, "we have to hope for the States to defeat TnUI by one goal more than we lose by for us to move on. So a loss here would, more likely than not, give us a very early exit from the Cup."

Lions manager Mike Davidson knows this perfectly well and has decided to take no chances. "The fans probably won't be too happy about it," says Davidson, "but I think they'd be even less happy if we were kicked out in the group stage. So, boring and Karelan as it may be, I stand behind my decision."

Davidson's expected lineup for the Cockbill Street match (from right to left):

Pratt
Zamboni - O'Higgins - Talbot - Porter - Malone - Phillips
Martínez - Stalls - Mannheim
Vantrease

A highly defensive 6-3-1, yes, but Davidson says he is absolutely determined not to lose this match.

Stars to 'lay it on the line' vs. Slaves

Despite reports from the Audioslavian media that suggest the Sarzonian national football team is better than the Slaves, Coach Dave Wilson said his team would be ready to "lay it on the line" against Audioslavia.

"We haven't forgotten that the first two matches we've played against them in our history were back when we were an up-and-coming side facing one of the premier sides in the world. We still have to go in with the kind of fire we had back then. They're still an elite team, don't let anyone tell you different."

Wilson said he was planning no changes to the team's attacking-style of football and no defensive changes. "We're going to dance with who brung us," he said. "Changing our formations to play either a System Karela or a System Hetaki at this stage of the tournament is a recipe for disaster."

Assistant coach Chris Trautwig said the team called in former top assistant coach and head coach of the now-defunct Legalese national side Barry Owens to serve as "a good luck charm," but Owens spent "a lot of time" with some of his former teammates and pupils in training.

"Since he's had time to sit and watch tapes, he's been giving the team pointers about facing the Slaves," midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell said. Owens also apparently has been working with the attacking players on their offence, which scored a qualification round high of 39 goals in 14 matches but has been held to two goals in two group stage matches.

"We want to make sure to get the full three points and not have this go down to tiebreakers or extra time or penalties or whatever," forward Brian Wilson said. "The situation's simple: Win and we're in."

The Stars can win the group if they draw against Audioslavia and Chicanada either win or draw against Commerce Heights based on goal differential. If Commerce Heights win, the Stars will need to win to clinch the group title outright. If the Stars lose and Commerce Heights win, the Stars will be eliminated.

"The onus is on us to take care of business," defender Mike Coyle said. "If we do that, none of this talk matters."

LOVUN Sport

Lovisa win


Lovisa win with Driuda 2-1 in second match.

It was perfect match for Lovisa. We control results for all match. they was very important match for us. We win and we can happy, because we have big chace to advance to next round.

Thanks Driuda for great match.

Druida - Lovisa 1-2
1-0 :Bruck 32'
1-1 : Driudian player 35'
1-2 :Lunz 83'

Time: 4:63AM
location: central Rejistania, Doomhammer’s hotel room.

Doomhammer is in his new hotel room trying out the bed. The phone begins to ring so Doomhammer picks it up.

DH: hello?

SS: hello sir. Just calling to see how your new room is.

DH: It’s not bad. I have to know. First you said that there was no rooms left in the whole of Rejistania. Suddenly you find me a 4 star hotel within walking distance of the stadium.

SS: err…would you believe me if I said it was fate?

DH: Well…I suppose I would.

SS: It was fate.

DH: Fair enough. Any word on how Rejistania did?

SS: not yet. We can only assume that they won.

DH: we drew so therefore all we have to do to secure qualifying is draw against a host nation ranked 3rd in the world that have been the WC champions three times and defeated us 5-0 in WC17.

SS: See, should be a piece of cake.

DH: well yes. It sounds easy…

SS: does it? I could have sworn we were completely screwed. You know, what with everything being so hopeless and all. I mean with all the things you told me about them you would think that it would be near impossible to defeat them. But you’re the manager so if you say its easy then I’m inclined to believe you.

DH: …you never fully grasped sarcasm as a child did you?

SS: well no… but I do know how to keep an idiot in suspense.

DH: oh really? How?

S.Sam puts down the phone and goes to his bed. Kirby is in the middle of playing chess over the Internet.

K: hay Sid. Can you help me? This potato farmer is proving a lot harder than I first anticipate.

SS: One, don’t call me Sid. Two, I don’t know how to play chess. And three, we need to discuss how best we can hamper the Rejistania team.

K: well if you just use my tranquillise plan we could…

SS: we are not tranquillising their goalkeeper!

K: the midfielders then?

SS: OR anyone else!!

K: we could… spike the water supply.

SS: its THERE country!

K: Then I’m stumped. Unless… UNLESS…. I’VE GOT IT. ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS…. SORRY A SYSTEM EREOR HAS OCCURRED. WINDOWS MUST NOW SHUT DOWN.

SS: Naturally.

Defensive Collapse

Pschychoes allow two goals and draw with Nova Britannicus (one t, two n's)
Squornshelous allowed an opposing side to stay with them goal for goal for the first time since WC 22, and dropped a game they should have won easily. While the Pschychoes will likely remain in first or second place in Group H, their final match comes against Eauz. It will not be an easy task to defeat the cohosts on their own ground. Squornshelous' goals were scored by Petr Skritsch and Alexander Popov, both coming off corner kicks. Popov's was first, opening the scoring in the 20th minute with a superb header that flew past Jeremy McFarland to hit the back of the net. Nova Britannicus (one t, two n's) immediately struck back, with a goal by Colin Forsham in the 24th. He recieved a pass from Wilburforce Jones that split the defense and left him with a clear shot on net. He beat Marko Antropov from 16 meters. Nova Britannicus (one t, two n's) opened up a lead on the Pschychoes just before the halftime whistle. Once again, Jones passed inside to Forsham, but this time, Forsham faked a shot and passed to Dickie Barker on the other wing. Peter Orlov was unable to react in time to challenge him and Barker sent his shot curving into the net.
Coming out after halftime, Squornshelous looked like a completely different team. Where before, their passes and tackles had been sloppy and off target, they played like a well oiled machine and equalized after just 12 more minutes of play. Jorge Perez got off an incredibly hard shot from the left wing, and all McFarland could do was punch it wide of the net. On the ensuing corner, Perez sent the ball curving out away from McFarland, to the top of the box. It came straight to Petr Skritsch, who trapped it on his chest and fired into the far corner.
Squornshelous spent much of the remainder of the match on the attack, and was rewarded with several good chances, including two shots in quick succession by Brian Guerrero and Yanni Zikov, where Guerrero's shot came back off the goalpost, and Zikov's sailed just over the crossbar. However, try as they might, the Pschychoes could not get another pat McFarland, who made several amazing saves on shots from a variety of positions. One in particular that the Pschycho fans thought was a sure goal was a hard shot from Marvin Oonar that started across the goal mouth and curved in toward the far post, but McFarland timed his leap perfectly and punched it cear to Andrew Hill.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-2 Nova Britannicus (one t, two n's)

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Popov [20]
NB: Forsham [24]
NB: Barker [41]
SQU: Skritsch [57]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 10
Skritsch: 7
Popov: 5
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1
Persson: 1

9 parts of suffering

The Orange-Blues won their first match in World Cup 23 against the Crusaders from Jeruselem. Estadije Ines Kalisimu Salan was completely sold out for this world cup match and most of the fans were Rejistanians. The va'karela'ny were glowing and humming and due to them, the match was very defensively. Jeruselem was however the less defensive team of them. The Orange-Blues played a 6-3-1 formation while Jeruselem decided for a 5-3-2. Since attack means defeat, the Orange-Blues had chances for some dangerous counter-attacks but they lacked the deciding bit of luck or were influenced by va'karela'ny. The first half ended scoreless. The second half saw more defensive excellence. Jeruselem had no real chance, whenever they tried to attack, the Orange-Blues interfered. Haxa I Sira once again proved his critics that deaf people can play soccer on international level, provided he gets light signals if the referee blows his whistle. When everyone expected the match to end scoreless, a sudden attack gave the Orange-Blues one last chance and Jiujia Makae shot the ball past Sheik El Mara. Rejistanian fans all over the country started celebrating. This was a great victory for Karela!

Les Bleus finished off their second match, with a 1 – 0 victory, with the help of Karela. Les Stade de Socialism was full of people, but one group of people not seen here, were citizens from Commerce Heights. After the match, Coach Joseuf wondered if his team can come up with another great performance in the final match against Squorn. He thought to himself that they’ve been pretty tough of late, but ended up with a 2 – 2 final in the second match day against NB. As it stands, Les Bleus are tied with Squorn for 1st with 4 points, followed by NB and finally Kylaai who is officially eliminated.

Joseuf sat in his office, and called in an official of the team…

Joseuf: I’m worried that we will perform poorly in the final match, which would mean our elimination. As it stands, we are in a position that we MUST win this match, against a very tough offensive/defensive balanced Squorn team.

Official: Oh, don’t look on the negative side of everything, Les Bleus have had a great history in this cup, and just look, they have yet to give up a goal in this cup.

Joseuf: True, but look at the teams we played against… Kylaai, where exactly is that? And NB… pfffh… really…

Official: But remember, this is OUR home field.

Joseuf: Very true… I ask you one thing… could you find out exactly what the public opinion is of this team, and ask them what they think our chances are of winning this cup… I don’t care who it is, I just want to see a general idea of the groups…

*Official goes outside starts questioning the public*

Official finds a group of teens, and assumes they must be interested in football…

Official: Hey folks, how are we doing?

Teen 1: Doing well…

Official: So, what do you folks think of the World Cup? Anyone expect Eauz to do well during the cup?

Teen 2: Uhh… I don’t even know what’s going on with that. Actually, I could care less in reality. Anyways, we’re off to the opening of a new film by a Rejistanian author.

Official: Bah! It’s too bad we don’t have the same laws as the ex-USSR, I’d be able to arrest them for…. Treason, YES, TREASON…

*A few hours later the Official returns to Le Stade d’Eauz*

Joseuf: So what did you find out?
Official: Well, I found out that there are a LOT of foreigners who don’t speak anything aside from their maternal language, and that most Eauz citizens are separating themselves from the whole cup.

Joseuf: Oh! Quite a surprise, might it be that we’ve hosted way too many times?

Official: I did get one response that might be of interest… The citizen suggested that Les Bleus really have nothing to be worried about, as they always seem to make it to at least the second round, and that, at that moment Les Bleus fans will start to show their colours, but just at the moment, they are used to seeing Eauz in the group stages.

Joseuf: Oh Quite possible… I only wish that they would come out to the stadium in larger numbers in the early stages, for it might provide more spirit for our team to play with.

Joseuf: Oh well, despite the fact I’m not religious, maybe I’ll call up a Rejistanian monk to pray that our team is lead to victory by Karela… I’m glad we signed that pact, I think it will be useful for both nations.

Harlesburg Heartbreaker
Harlesburg go down fighting 3-2

Harlesburg entered the World Cup with big expectations and with arguably a big head after their performance in Qualifiying it seemed it was a miracle they qualified at first but then it turned into Devine intervention the Team and the Nation thought they could do anything.

Even though they had two heavy loses inflicted on them in Qualifiying these weree dismised yet now at the World Cup they are stuck with no wins from two games and left with no competition points to show for it either

Things started off badly fro Harlesburg as 'The Caleys' took an early lead off some simple work from Kevin Keda after he reiceved a timed pass from Lovitz this was in the 4th minute and really put pressure on Harlesburg to do something or clear the way for the big boys!

From here the game became a mad dash as both teams extended their arm trying to find a weakness in the oppositions midfield which could be exploited though none seemed available till the twenty-sixth minute when Krytenia almost made it two when Andy Tay's powered shot was snaffled by Micheal Chapworth.

An exciting five-goal thriller against Harlesburg that drew gasps of horror from the Rejistanian neutrals in the crowd, but had both sets of the more partisan fans screaming till they were as blue as their respective replica shirts as Blue is Harlesburg's faourite Colour since but with the realities of corporate commerce Harlesburg donned the Yellow genneraly atributed to home Games to avvert confusion.

Harlesburg equalised in the 43rd minute when Micheal Sladeresent rose aboe the pack to nod home after recieving a well placed passed from werston who had beaten his man Nigel Cole who vey really is shown lacking in situations like these.
(OOC)More to come in 10 hours may be too late but ill finish it off damn work grr

NATION P W D L F A PT
Krytenia 2 1 1 0 4 3 4
Crystilakere 1 1 0 0 1 0 3
Svecia 1 0 1 0 1 1 1
Harlesburg 2 0 0 2 2 4 0

R1 MD1:2 Crystilakere v Harlesburg 1
R1 MD2:3 Krytenia v Harlesburg 2
R1 MD3: Svecia v Harlesburg[/QUOTE]

B]
FINALSKRYTENIA - 3
Keda 4
Lausano 75
Neasden 83

HARLESBURG - 2
Sladeresent 43
Sallasan 51

BP ill edit it...

"Hi," Ryan said, a bit uncertainly.

"Hello." A young clerk in his twenties stood behind the counter of the Bedistani embassy in Eauz. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ryan Bailey," he replied. "I work for the Ankh-Morpork C-mail, and I would like to have a word with the Bedistani manager. Do you know where he is?"

"Yes," the clerk replied. "You'll find him at the training ground, that'd be on the outskirts of town, in le Willow."

"Dear Io..." Ryan muttered. "Another ten-mile walk. I knew I should have ridden here..."

"You have to walk?!" the clerk exclaimed. "Hang on, I'll order a taxi for you."

"No no. Really, no need. I'm safer walking," Ryan said, as he stumbled out.

---

Damned city, he muttered, as the soles of his shoes were on the way to non-existence. No method of transport that didn't seem to run by itself - scary things, they were, running by some kind of undiscovered magic. So he had to walk. The football team, of course, had brought horses, so they could get around at reasonable speed. Ruddy stuck-up posh people. Now, where was it...turn right at the big lamp-post...

---

"He...ello," Ryan stammered, as he finally walked into the training ground.

"Who the heck are you?" Someone in a training overall greeted him, slightly more friendly in manners than in words.

"Erm...pooh...I work for the Ankh-Morpork C-mail. It's a Streetian newspaper, you..." he breathed out with exhaustion, "might have heard of it."

"Oh yes, the C-mail. They're the ones who call anything below 3-4-3 outrageously defensive, isn't it? Welcome. I'm Mike Davidson."

"Ah...you'd be...the guy I wanted...to talk to," Ryan stammered out.

"Really? Trying to get some tactical tips, are ya?"

"Well...not really. It's just that we were wondering why a such a traditionally non-Karelan nation as Bedistan would stoop as low as playing 6-3-1."

"Well, you see, boy, we need to draw. Simple as that. If we needed to win, we would perhaps have played more attacking...5-3-2 or, if we were really risky, 4-5-1. But as it is, we only need 0-0, so we play for it."

"You haven't considered that with that formation, giving away a penalty is really, really easy, as five of your players is gonna be within the penalty box?"

"Hmm? Can't hear you?"

"Never mind. What's that blue thing over there?"

"A paperweights I got as a present from the ASR. They're really very nice people, you know, giving out paperweights and other heavy objects - all my players got one, too."

"I think that might explain a lot..."

---

The next day's C-mail headline: "ASR POISONS OPPOSITION"

"We've found it!"

Trevor Chem was ever-so-slightly over-excited as he shouted down the phone.

"Found it? What? Who are you?"

Druida's new President Andrew Idder was on the other end of the line, and with those being the opening words of the conversation, that was probably a more organised reply.

"It's Chem here! You know you asked us to look at that varnish, see what it was made of that stopped those va'thingies? Well, we've found it!"

"Ah. And what is it?"

"Griffin's blood!"

"Griffin's blood? You but griffin's blood in your puce varnish?"

"Uhuh."

"Are you some kind of witch?"

"No."

"Well, are you drunk?"

"Mister President, you've seen me at all those MDS rallies. Of course I'm not drunk. That's what it is that goes the trick! But only a certain type of griffin."

"Oh yeah?"

"Not the types of griffins Druida is famous for. The urban dwelling ones that loiter around our lesser districts are no good. No, these are special griffins that have been found in the Zobordi area of Druida. Y'know, around Sorrellime?"

"Don't be silly. There's no such place as Sorrellime!"

"Of course there is."

"Anyway, isn't Zobordi the area where they still drink?"

"See, you do know it. Anyway, the point is, their skins are very fair in colour, but the colour of their blood makes them look puce. So we've extracted the pigment from the blood, and it appears to be that."

"Right. But the big question is, can it be used as some kind of preventative?"

"Well, yes. But it means that you would turn puce yourself."

"Ah."

"But if we mix it in with some other stuff, then the side effect of changing colour goes away. So we can vaccinate people against it immediately!"

RP-cutoff, expect scores unless you are Eauz, then expect trouble!

Stars slump through to knockouts

Despite the dominance that the Sarzonian national football team displayed in World Cup XXIII qualifying, the Stars are looking at a streak of a different kind after playing in a group that Coach Dave Wilson described as a "Group of Death" during the group stage of the World Cup finals. The Stars ended up having to settle for a 1-1 draw after a rare miscue by goalkeeper Horace Sandt led to the third goal allowed by Sandt in 17 matches and prevented the Stars from gaining much-needed momentum heading into the knockout stages.

"Obviously, we're disappointed that we didn't win the match," Wilson said. "We played great football for 85 minutes and then we just gave it up at the very end there. Otherwise, we're group champs no matter what happens tomorrow [when Commerce Heights and Chicanada face each other in the Group A finale]. But it's gratifying to know we've at least advanced."

The Stars (1-2-0, five points) advanced because the draw with the Stars sent the Slaves on the verge of elimination from a knockout berth. With three points, Audioslavia (0-3-0) can not overtake the Stars or a Commerce Heights-Chicanada winner, but can only advance in the event that match ends in a draw with no more than one goal per side. The Stars can win the group if Commerce Heights loses or plays a scoreless draw.

"We'd have liked to have ended the suspense tonight," midfielder Darwin Russell said. "But we're going to have to sweat it out a bit."

The Stars drew first blood in the first match between the Stars and Slaves since World Cup XIX qualifying with a brilliant set piece by Russell, whose left boot curled a shot just past the outstretched arms of the Slaves 'keeper after forward Barry Alphonso was fouled 29 yards from goal.

"Dar put great touch on that ball," Alphonso said. "That's why we like him taking those free kicks."

The Stars continued to apply pressure, outshooting Audioslavia 29-12 for the match, but the Slaves found their range in the final 15 minutes with a third of their shots coming then. However, Sandt misjudged a long ball from their reserve striker and the ball trickled in past Sandt to level the score 1-1. Wilson looked stunned, but he had used all three substitutes and couldn't bring in forward Bruce Badger for defender Mike Coyle, which he would have had the score been level at the half.

"It's not our nature to settle for a draw," Wilson said. "We don't play karela. We play to win matches. You don't win by being passive."

Wilson angrily refused to pin the blame for the draw on Sandt, saying, "how many matches has he saved for us single-handedly. I'm not going to call him out for this match. If not for him, we're probably not even this far along."

The Stars await word of their next opponent and the Commerce Heights-Chicanada result, but they will do so rueing missed opportunities.

"We could have really made a statement with this match," defender Trevor Crenshaw said. "Now our jobs will be a hell of a lot harder."

Ashley Standard

One And Done
Kodiaks Bow Out of World Cup Following Sloppy 2-0 Loss.

Chicanada entered the day with a hope of advancement, which only grew with word that Audioslavia and Sarzonia tied, meaning a win would put the Kodiaks in.

Instead, some very sloppy passing and misreads by Raslan Seregn created havoc for the 4-2-4 setup and Chicanada could never recover, as the Commerce Heights clinch the other slot with a 2-0 win the National coach called "rather stupid of us to do."

Seregn kept getting mixed signals from his defenders, and came up empty in a scramble for a loose ball that the Capitalizt side used to get a 1-0 lead in the 32nd minute. This was followed by a misread on a penalty kick five minutes later that sewed up the Kodiaks' history.

National coach said that he expects most of this team to return for World Cup XXIV and make that trip last longer, saying "the team was definitly hungry for more and had we played our game right we could have came out on top."

-------------

Back in Chicanada...

A whole nation of Kodiak Fans: RABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLERABBLE *whole nation collapses in exhaustion*

The Rista Lokato Sun-Herald—Your exclusive source for World Cup news and highlights, since no one else seems to care

World Cup: Capitalizts finish off first round with win, advance to knockout stages
REJISTANIA—After two disappointing draws (and a huge win that neither the ASR officials nor their computer could handle), the Capitalizts finally pulled off a win in the group stage, defeating the Chicanada Kodiaks 2–0. The first goal of the game was skillfully kicked in on a “divine,” as head coach Darren Redner put it, opportunity by Al Driver in the 32nd minute, giving the Capitalizts their first lead of the Cup. The lead was quickly extended to 2–0 in the 37th when a miscommunication between Kodiaks players led to a penalty kick, which was successfully converted by Alan Beddingfield. Though the Kodiaks tried hard to equalize, their efforts were fruitless due to Kraig Garland’s goalkeeping, which was, as coach Redner said, “extra-terrestrial.”

Final Score—First Round, Matchday 3:
Commerce Heights 2 (Driver 32, Beddingfield 37)
Chicanada 0—FT
Final Table—First Round, Group A:
Group A Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Commerce Heights 5 1 2 0 4:2 2
2. Sarzonia 5 1 2 0 3:2 1
3. Audioslavia 3 0 3 0 3:3 0
4. Chicanada 1 0 1 2 1:4 -3

The win allowed the Capitalizts to qualify for the second round of the World Cup, finishing first in the group ahead of rivals Sarzonia on goal differential. The team will face the team placing second in group B, though we don’t know who that will be—it could be either Crystilakere, Krytenia, or Svecia, pending results from their third games.

Today’s headlines…

Fielding 8 Year Olds Deemed "Bad Idea"
Marmadukes Are Hammered 5-0
Liam & Co Media

Chase The Ball Tactics "Inefficient"
Marmadukes Sent Packing
Liamist States Times

50th International Sees Biggest Ever Loss
Also Shows How Reliant Rainford Jr Is On Defence
Soccer & Babes Magazine

Pschychoes Through, but who will join them?

Squornshelous advances to the 2nd round, but the other Group H spot is unknown at this time
Squornshelous and Eauz ground to a 1-1 draw at in the group stage's final matchday, damn those Karelan bastards. This result has ensured that Squornshelous will go through to the Round of Sixteen, as they are firmly ahead of Les Bleus by virtue of more goals for. This is where things get interesting. If Nova Britannicus were to defeat Kylaai, which is quite a likely scenario, they will recieve 3 points, putting them into a tie with Squornshelous and Eauz. However, they would be ahead of Les Bleus also by virtue of more goals for, and possibly ahead of the Pschychoes through either a better Goal Differential or more goals for. It really doesn't matter to Squornshelous what the result is, although we would prefer to finish in 1st place, but Eauz may find that their Karelan strategy comes back to bite them in the ass.

Group H standings after Squornshelous-Eauz match on Matchday 3:

Group H Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 5 1 2 0 4:3 1
2. Eauz 5 1 2 0 2:1 1
3. Nova Britannicus 2 0 2 0 2:2 0
4. Kylaai 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2


Both goals were scored in the first half, with Squrnshelous' Brian Guerrero opening up with a superb shot in the 30th minute. The defensively minded Eauz formation provided some problems for the Squornshelan attack at first, but eventually, they were able to thread some passes through the back four, as they have done so often in the past. It was one of these passes that found Guerrero, who had broken through the line and was being closely pursued by a defender. He fired as soon as the ball reached him, barely breaking stride, and sent the ball back across the keeper into the far corner. All the goalkeeper could do was watch as the ball hit the back of the net.
Eauz, very surprisingly, struck back fairly quickly, for a System Karela team. Within seconds of the halftime whistle, (forward) netted the tying marker from 30 meters out. It came after Tor Jacobs mishandled a throw out from Marko Antropov. (forward) grabbed control of the ball and sent it arching over Antropov's head, as he franticly backpedaled to attempt the save.
In the second half, Eauz went back to their defense intensive strategy, and Squornshelous had most of the possession. However, they were unable to do anything with it, and couldn't manage many good scoring oportunities, as most shots were either blocked by Eauzian defenders or from long enough distances that the keeper handled them with ease.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 1-1 Eauz

Scoring Summary
SQU: Guerrero [30]
EAUZ: (forward) [45]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 11
Skritsch: 7
Popov: 5
Zikov: 3
Perez: 2
Orlov: 1
Persson: 1

thsd:NEWS

They Came
They Saw
THEY QUALIFIED!

FIVE World Cups. Fifteen games. Five early flights home. But not this time, countrymen! This time, Krytenia shall play in the Round Of Sixteen!

The qualification means that the fabled "Caley Curse" has finally been defeated, and with it the nickname Caledonians. From World Cup XXIV, the national side shall have a new official nickname, which wil be decided nearer the time.

The game itself was dour, neither side willing to take a risk that could mean elimination. The goal, which came on fifty-six minutes, was the only spark from either side, Phil Neasden's strike capping a patient and technical passing move.

The final whistle brought unbridled joy back home, fans dancing in the streets, and even in the fountains of Capital Square back in Everton City. With the results from the rest of the groups unknown, Krytenia's next opponents are a mystery. However reigning champions and Krytenia's personal bogey team Sarzonia are ones to avoid. And we're talking extra wide berth here.

CRYSTILAKERE - 0

KRYTENIA - 1
Neasden 56

QUALIFYING
MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States D 0-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama D 0-0
MD9: H v Garinas W 3-0 (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare W 2-1
MD11: H v Buben W 2-0 (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous L 1-2 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix L 1-4 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine StatesW 1-0

FINALS
R1 MD1: N v Svecia D 1-1
R1 MD2: N v Harlesburg W 3-2
R1 MD3: N v Crystilakere W 1-0
R2: N v ...........

Date: Someday
Time: Sometime
Place: Somewhere (in Turori)
Humidity: 85%

---------------------------------------------------------
Deep Inside the Turori National Media Center
---------------------------------------------------------

"What's that memo you've got there, Kaboafo?" former Vecchio Victors and Turori national goalkeeper Jarod Dreka said to fellow sports analyst and Turorian Sporting Legend Kaboafo Iobabo, formerly of Mliona-Lpaka. "Well" Iobabo replied, "You see the Empire has been having problems, and it appears like they need our help." Dreka looked confused, and went about his business. The confusion was too much for him to take, however, and eventually his curiosity got the best of him. "Kab, what do you mean they need our help, it looked to me like they did just fine in World Cup Qualifying, didn't they?" Kaboafo stopped what he was doing, and took the letter back out of his pocket. Reading it once again to ensure he had all his facts straight, he pulled up a chair and sat it next to Dreka's desk. Looking down at the story the former goalkeeper was putting together, Iobabo pondered for a minute, then began to speak. "Yea that's right Jared, they did well. But you and I know it wouldn't be a World Cup without a quarrel between the Vilitan FA and the Football Association of Liverpool England, would it? In fact, this season's was a good one you see, for some reason the Football Association of Liverpool England thought they had the right to stop production of the Vilita National Sports Special, the very outlet that we work und..." Dreka stood up, livid with emotion and pounded his fist on the table, "On what grounds? What right do they have to tell the media sources of our great empire what to do!"

After a few minutes the sheer discomfort in the room started to die off. As if the conversation had never stopped, Kaboafo again looked towards his associate. "They don't have any right whatsoever, Jared, but you know those crazy people from the FALE, always looking to cause harships on other organizations at the expense of personal dignity. You see, you may not realize it being couped up here in our perfect little Island, but while we were out tanning in the sunlight, back over in Vilita they saw the first great depression in our great empires history." Somewhat insulted and embarrassed, Dreka got up to the refrigerator and began talking while pouring some Orange Juice. "Yes I do know, those were bad times. Some of the effects are still lingering today, even right here in Turori, but I know one thing that was sure to lift the spirit of the people, and that would be their Jungle Cats and the World Cup, they really get behind their team, even we have to admire it, I mean remember Druida? They were storming the streets like cockroaches." Kaboafo interuppted before Jared went off on a tangent, he knew there was important work to be done. "Well you're right and finally the Vilita National was able to get started again, and the people were finally able to get the scores from the Qualifying matches that they so desperately waited for. Well, or so they thought. As you know this is where the trouble began. The National had already published match reports for the matches against Kutch, Gaian Ascendancy, Sonaron and Paul Sculthorpe fans, all of which the Vilitans won, when The Football Association of Liverpool England decided that the Vilita National should not be allowed to publish anymore reports for it's people! But perhaps it came at a good time, you know, no one wanted to hear about the 2-1 loss to Svecia anyway, did they? To be fair, Inaki Soler had a great goal in that game, well worth the report, but with all the fuss going on There was no choice but to forgoe the broadcast."


A little confused, Jared began to sit down and start on his work once again. As he was typing he could not help but notice that Kaboafo was still sitting there. Jared gave him a look, then continued once again with his work. After a few minutes however, he could not take it anymore. "Alright Kab, I give in, what does it say in the letter?"



As if he was prepared to lecture an auditorium of college students, Iobabo stood to take is place in front of Dreka's desk. "Simple my friend, it's simple. I've been thinking about it and it can definately bedone. You see, the Vilitans still need their news, but they risk constant war with the Liverpudlians if they present it. So naturally they've asked for our help in spreading the news, and yes they've asked me to head the project, but Jared I think you would be perfect to be in charge, really. I mean you got that award last year, the Mikka-Pik..Mikka-Pak... whatever that thing was they gave y" Jared Interuppted, "Yea, the award for worst individual piece of the year by a full time journalist, that one." "Oh stop!" Kaboafo exclaimed, "You'll be perfect, I just know it you see the Vilitans need to give the citizens their news, but they need someone else to give it to them, so you see, We'll still give them their news, we'll just have to make it look like it's someone else giving it to them!"


Jared cocked his head still trying to process what Kaboafo was trying to get at finally his eyes lit up and he sprung back to life like a recharged battery. "Hey, now that is a great idea! But how are we going to do it?" Jared was actually interested in this project now, for some reason that he himself was not entirely sure of yet. He listened intently as his partner told him about the project, and after agreeing to head it up, Dreka started onto his new assignments. After playing with many ideas in his head, Jared began to jot some things down. Before he knew it, he had a complete report on each of the matches that it indicated he would need to report on in the letter. He called Kaboafo over to his desk and began to show his superior what he had come up with.

"Well, you see it's like this." Jared began waving papers in the air at a rate at which Kaboafo could not see a single thing that was on them. "We'll just start going down the list, After drawing The Weegies 0-0, Vilita played Kericia. It was the first time ever the Jungle Cats came up against Kericia, well, don't let me tell you about it, let the report tell the story! Here have a look!"


VILUN Sport

Vilita win


Vilita win with Kericia 3-0 in Fifth match.

It was perfect match for Vilita. We control results for all match. they was very important match for us. We win and we can happy, because we have big chace to advance to next round.

Thanks Kericia for great match.

Vilita - Kericia 3-0
1-0 :Appolloni 36'
2-0 :Appolloni 52'
3-0 :Nerni 69'


Kaboafo stared down at the paper. He flipped it over and saw nothing on the other side. He flipped it over again and saw what he had just read, and decided to read it again. A few moments later, Kaboafo looked at the ceiling. After counting to ten Kaboafo put the paper down and grabbed his coffee. Then, now sitting, he picked up the paper once again. "So, this is the best you could come up with, Jared?"

Without missing a beat Jared quickly picked up an entire stack of papers from his desk. "No sir! You have got to be kidding! Although I am proud of that one, I've got a whole bunch of other ones, here look lets just go match by match, I can't wait to show you. Here look, in this game Vilita played Kutch, have a look"



Vilita win against Kutch. Vilita win against Kutch.

Vilita beat Kutch. Vilita won their game against Kutch 4-0. Rueben Laberge and Tika Massa scored in the first half. Vilita beat Kutch. Suble Tonic scored a rare goal in the second half before Vilita's all time top scorer Callum Banda scored the final goal of the game. The breaking news, however, is that Vilita beat Kutch

The game opened with a dazzling fireworks display that sent some fans running and screaming with their clothing on fire. Thankfully no part of the stadium or pitch was damaged. With music blaring behind the Vilita net to these lyrics:

(to the tune of "I am Turorian")

I know the pitch is where I am,
No other team is better then.
No matter where I go I am,
Proud to be a Vilitan!

I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!
I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!
COME ON!

I love this country where I am,
Our land is where we make our stand.
No other heart is truer then,
The one we call a Vilitan!

I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!
I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!

System Retardo is what I play,
The only system here to stay.
Retardo formation is the only only way,
We like to play Vilitan!

I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!
I am, you know I am, I am a Vilitan!
Victory is the only thing we'll take,
Because we are Vilitan!

SING IT !

I am, you know (you know I am), I am a Vilitan
I am, you know I am (you know I am), I am a Vilitan.
I AM A VILITAN!!

Vilita you beat Kutch
Vilita beat Kutch
Vilita 4-0 Kutch
Vilita you beat Kutch



"Well now that ones a little more interesting, it reminds me of something I've seen before though. Where did you g.." Jared interuppted Kaboafo by stifling his superiors mouth with his hand. After a brief stare-down session, the peace resumed and Jared quickly flipped through his papers. "Ah! Yes, here it is, this is when Vilita drew with the Gaian Ascendancy."























"Ummm, Jared, theres nothing on this piece of paper, what are you getting at." A large smile quickly thrust itself upon Jared's face. "I know, isn't it great, you see you said the best way to complete this project would be to make it look like someone else had been providing this news to the Vilitan people, right? So instead of making up some crazy new publication that they could trace back to us, why not us..." "Yes, I can see what you are doing and it's exactly what I'd hope you would come up with Jared, but this is just an empty page, theres nothing here at all" Once again the smile accross Jared's face was growing. "I know, don't you just love it. Although I am concerned they might recognize it as one of their own publications, the FALE that is. If you think it's a bit too obvious, well here, check out some of the other mockups. This was a good match actually, I watched part of the tape. Vilita played Sonaron."


VILÏTA DAGENS NYHETER

QUALIFYING A SHUTOUT FOR JUNGLE CATS
First ever loss to Svecia followed by a perfect defensive record


The commiserations after the match with Svecia must have still been long over with when Vilita faced off against Sonaron, and recorded a 1-0 victory while keeping a shutout for the fifth straight game. It takes some skill to lose to a team you have never lost to before, when you also are former World Cup champions, and then beat a team you have never heard of.



Kaboafo kept muttering something under his breath. Every time he muttered you could see the anger building up in his expressions. He kept muttering time and again, until finally he let out an unanticipated showing of emotion. "Yes! I've said it! It's not prounounced 'Nie Eater' you've got to let it flow! Oh man! Let it flow Jared Let it Flow!" Jared was a little scared at the exhuberance shown by his superior, but was comforted by the fact that it must have meant, at the very least, he was on the right track with the project. After letting his boss calm down for a few moments, Jared handed him the next piece of paper and told Kaboafo that it was in regards to a game against Paul Sculthorpe Fans.


Today’s headlines…

Banda Magic, Azaiez Scores From Corner
Jungle Cats Triumph Over Sculthorpe Fans
Vilita & Co Media

Defenders Joy!
Retiring Azaiez scores first career international goal
Vilita States Times

Three Games Left
Svecia, Weegies and Kericia Before Jungle Cats go to Finals
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Jungle Cats Secure Finals Berth
Vilita switch focus to winning group
Soccer Monthly



Before even allowing Kaboafo to finish the page, Jared handed him another piece of paper.


Vilita Government News

Vilita.com

World Cup XXXIIII match day 12. Vilita took on Svecia and the two teams each scored once. Not much separated both teams all game as the game ebbed and flowed back and forth. At half time, it was still scoreless despite some close misses. The dead lock was broken the second half with a class Svecia goal but Antonis Siazzu managed to score an equalizer to save the blushes of the favored Vilitans.

Kericia won a game - against The Weegies 1-0 to show that teams can score more than 0 goals in game. It was one of the better games for this entire cup goalwise.

Gaian Ascendancy and Paul Sculthorpe fans had an armwrestle but no one prevailed. The goalless draw was exciting but it was in the end a goalless draw. Then for some weird reason the score was deemed 'unacceptable' by the referee, who decided it was proper to start the match over and adjust his referreeing style to ensure that the more liked Gaian's won the match and everything was how it should be.

Kericia 1 The Weegies 0
Kutch 0 Sonaron 2
Paul Sculthorpe fans 0 Gaian Ascendancy 2
Svecia 1 Vilita 1


"Well what do you think so far Kaboafo? Theres two more left hold on let me get them!" Kaboafo put the papers down. "You're doing just fine I think I can trust you to do the last two. Look this is one of them right here, it says Vilita beat the Weegies 1-0 and Contall Rumaoa scored. See look you're doing perfect" Jared rushed around in a frenzy. Papers were being tossed about and beverages were being spilled without regard. "I know but theres still one more. I swear I've done it already just hold on." Jared continued his frantic search. "Oh hell let me just draw it up real quick for you. Here the next game was... oh what was it... Kericia! Alright hold on... hold on... here! have a look."

Vilita Rebounds

Following their 6th boring result, the Jungle Cats trash Kericia

RP coming later


Final Score:
Vilita 4-0 Kericia

Scoring Summary:
VIL: Massa [29]
VIL: Appolloni [59]
VIL: Appolloni [78]
VIL: Adjei [88]

Vilita' Scorers:
Appolloni: 7
Banda: 4
Nerni: 3
Massa: 2
Soler: 2
Rumaoa: 2
Azaiez: 1
Adjei: 1
Tonic: 1
Laberge: 1




Vilitas' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Vilita 2-0 Kutch Lirai Asku Castle, Yeaddin
MD2: Gaian Ascendancy 0-2 Vilita
MD3: Vilita 1-0 Sonaron Lunar Park, Seraai
MD4: Paul Sculthorpe Fans 0-3 Vilita
MD5: Vilita 1-2 Svecia Tivali Ring Stadium, Alikki-Corra
MD6: The Weegies 0-0 Vilita
MD7: Vilita 3-0 Kericia Lirai Asku Castle, Yeaddin
MD8: Kutch 0-4 Vilita
MD9: Vilita 0-0 Gaian Ascendancy The Shultis, Lonngeylin
MD10: Sonaron 0-1 Vilita
MD11: Vilita 2-0 Paul Sculthorpe Fans Marine World Park, Crosaibi
MD12: Svecia 1-1 Vilita
MD13: Vilita 1-0 The Weegies Tivali Ring Stadium, Alikki-Corra
MD14: Kericia 0-3 Vilita





"Well here, you get the general idea don't you, of course I'll fill it in later with the actual report, trust me, i just want you to get an idea where I'm going with it and get the whole stats thing up and going, all the simple maths and stuff you know. Other than that I think we're ready to ship, don't you? I'm really confident about these I think we'll get them through no problem, no one will suspect a thing. So what do you think boss?"

Kaboafo hid the tiny chuckle that found it's way out of his mouth with a quick spin, a cough, and finally a sip of his Coffee. "Yes, Jared, you've done great. And to think with all the hours I put in at this place, It's you that gets to work on the big lucrative proect. You know, I have a feeling you just might win that Mikka r..Mi... whatever that award was called... for the second year running!"





---------------------------------------------------------
[B]If you think I'm giving up on you, you're crazy.
---------------------------------------------------------

Double Delight for Derrick
Harlesburg 2 Servica 1

With Harlesburg’s chance of reaching the next round of the Football World Cup all but gone in fact completely extinguished after losing two extremely close matches against Cristalyakik and Kryterica Harlesburg have finally won a World Cup match beating Svecia 2-1.

Harlesburg starting well for the first time in their three World Cup match history showed they had more to offer the World of International Football than just a team making up the numbers.
After gaining the lead in their previous game against Kryterica before losing it and then seeing a perfect equalising opportunity go begging, Harlesburg knew that a good start was crucial after giving up early goals in the last two matches.

Harlesburg indeed did claim first blood in the 12th minute when Werston made a break down the right hand side before connecting with Sallasan who’s chip over the defence was met with an on running Daniel Derrick who found himself with an open shot and even the desperate dive of Servica’s Keeper could not stop the ball spiralling into the back of the net harlesburg One to nil.

Even now Harlesburg did not let up the pressure as they tried to penetrate the Svecia defence at all points of the field and in the 29th minute they again found space to launch a decisive attack with the guidance of Sallad at the helm.
Hassim Sallad received the ball on his chest from inside his half after Chapworth made a clearance kick after securing a well struck shot from a Svecian Striker from here Sallad ran towards the left of the field and held it up waiting for his compatriots to catch up thus the initial breakout had been mooted but the on running players were causing more problems for the Svecians and when Leroy Brown ran onwards Sallad passed to him this drew the Number 10’s marker and when he re-received the ball more open space was his to play with and he used it to good effect gaining a further 18 meters before letting his foot send the ball at the goal and forcing the keeper to tap it over the bar.

But Harlesburg still had possession with the corner kick and Leroy Brown after pulling up his Socks kicked to the far corner and found Lerrick Jones alone at the back and his head sent the ball towards the net but luckily for Svecia and with all the anguish in the world for Harlesburg the man marking up on the post blocked it and sent it 35 meters down the field.

At this stage nothing dramitic happened for the rest of the half until late in the piece the Svecican striker broke lose and was nearly brought down illegally but Pastry once again managed to hunt a breakaway down but not before the shot had just left the boot and Pastry got enough on it to send it wide and with this the half closed.

The Second half opened up with Svecia again trying to wake from their slumber and when the Centre Midfielder found the Left Midfielder down the line the pace was unbelievable and when it came centre Chapworth had to parry it away but gave up the corner.
Once again Chapworth was forced to make the save as the Striker leaped above the muddle of players and got the faintest of touches on the ball any more and he would have scored.

But finally in the 52nd minute the dam broke when a Svecian Midfielder on a solo run slipped past some tackling by Bompmore and Pedro Hernandez and when alone with Chapworth in front it was a formality and it crashed into the net to equalise.

But once again the tide turned and in the 68th minute after both teams had jostled along the length and breadth of the park but when Daniel Derrick again received the ball after some cleverly set work in the midfield he made it decisive shooting off his left foot and scoring in the top right leaving the Keeper clutching at air.
From here the match became a game of chase with Harlesburg working the ball around searching for an elusive third goal and Servica trying each time they had possession trying to settle the scores up but both were out of reach and the clock ticked up as the time ran out.
As the game drew to a close the rapturous noise as the whole Harlesburgian congregation came together to sing Dirty Ol’ Town together filled the Stadium and overflowed its bowl to leave the whole town basking in the glory of Harlesburg’s first win.

Well, there are sixteen people in danny’s apartment
Sixteen people are living in there
Remember the days of rent control
Grandpa remembers rock and roll

These days won’t last forever
These days won’t last for long
You know, somebody somewhere owes us a favor
That’s how things really get done
In this world of opportunities, it’s a land of possibilities

We wanna live in a dirty old town
Building it up, tearing us down
With our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground
We wanna live - dirty old town
Dirty old town

Now when the ladies come from kansas
They wear their traditional colors
Today the fabrics are ragged and torn
The clothes on their backs is all that they own
They say, don’t draw attention to yourself
They’ll tear you apart for a couple of bucks
Keep you head down and keep you nose clean
’cause people who’re scared do dangerous things

These days can’t last forever
These days can’t last for long
You know someday things’ll get better
Somehow things’ll get done
In this world of possibilities, it’s the land of opportunities

We wanna live in a dirty old town
Building it up, tearing us down
With our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground
We wanna live - dirty old town
Dirty old town

These days shoes are worn only on special occasions
Battles are fought for fam’ly and nations
Maybe you’ll pray, but God isn’t home
And there’s no guarantee that justice be done

We wanna live in a dirty old town
Building it up, tearing us down
With our head in the clouds and our feet on the ground
We wanna live - dirty old town
Dirty old town

Goals
HARLESBURG
Derrick 12th
Derrick 68th
SERVICA
(Unpronouncable name)52nd


Harlesburg Qualifiying Results
Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD 1.
Turori 36 11 3 0 27:3 24 2.
EL CID THE HERO 32 10 2 2 24:2 22 3.
Harlesburg 25 7 4 3 18:14 4 4.
Wella 24 7 3 4 19:11 8 5.
Haperd 16 4 4 6 12:11 1 6.
Pedriana 12 4 0 10 9:21 -12 7.
Artoonia 11 3 2 9 7:21 -14 8.
Riegab 2 0 2 12 3:36 -33

Qualifiying
MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: 1 Harlesburg vs Artoonia 0
MD6: 0 Riegabvs Harlesburg 3
MD7: 0 EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg 1
MD8: 0 Harlesburg vs Haperd 0
MD9:1 Harlesburg vs Pedriana 0
MD10:0 Harlesburg vs Turori 3
MD11:2 Wella vs Harlesburg 2
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg 1
MD13:2 Harlesburg vs Riegab
MD14:0 Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO 3

Group B Schedule

MD1: Crystilakere 1 vs. Harlesburg 0 @ Estadije Ines Karela Lines
Krytenia vs. Svecia @ Estadije Hanin Sekhika

MD2: Crystilakere vs. Svecia @ Estadije Najajara Ynu
3 Krytenia vs. Harlesburg 2 @ Estajie Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora

MD3 Crystilakere vs. Krytenia @ Estadije Hetlasane Hetkali
1 Svecia vs. Harlesburg 2 @ Estadije Vaje~n Sekhika

The Daily Druid

VACCINATION PROGRAMME BEGINS
By Bill Posters

You know, Druida is becoming a much nicer place to live nowadays. The people are now sober and friendly, people are starting to actually do things other than go to the pub, all seems right with the world.

However, there is still a public warning out there telling people that they should dispose of va'karelas and va'takils immediately if one is found.

But now, the Druidan government and Chemindus have come together to eradicate the effects of these orbs.

"Something needed to be done," President Idder told us. "These orbs have some kind of mind controlling power, and that's just not right."

"You see, they play with your heads, meaning that you think thoughts that you would not normally think," head of Chemindus Trevor Chem explained. "What our vaccine does is that it allows the brain to shut out these effects."

Chemindus has been working on this, and testing it's safety on a number of Druida's poorest people, who needed the money more than most, and Chemindus have got the formula down to perfection.

"There'll be a few puce-coloured people walking around Graymouth for a few years, but at least they can be proud to be puce."

When asked if the vaccine has any long-term effects, Chem responded, "Well, we don't know yet, but we needed to do something. We can't afford to wait, and sometimes the greatest risk can be not to take a risk at all."

Meanwhile, reports are reaching us from Toustrouveux, Eauz that the Druida Rainbows have beaten the Vilita Jungle Cats 1-0 at World Cup 23, though these reports are still un confirmed. If that is the case (we seriously doubt it - I'll run through the streets of Soberity City naked if it is), then by our reckoning, Druida would go above Vilita in the group standings by virtue of a better head-to-head record.


DAY OF DECISION

Today is also the day on which we discover whether or not Druida and Krytenia's bid to host the Cup Of Harmony will be successful. The bid is up against that of Hockey Canada and Liverpool England, and while many believe that it is better that at least one host nation is participating, the DK camp are quietly confident.

"Well, we've got a chance," said Trevor Belmore of the bid's hopes. "You see, while we're not actually in the tournament, we're up against a Liverpool England bid. We know that LE are not popular amongst some of those with votes. But then again, it should be tight. I mean, they've probably hosted as much as us, so basically it's going to be down to whoever gives the voting committee the biggest bribes... I mean, best bid."

"Damn."

Meanwhile, the DFA have come up with a list of nations that they would recommend inviting to the Cup Of Harmony. They are as follows...


Hockey Canada
Spruitland
Bipedal Apes
Hypocria
Oglethorpia
Bettia
Caprine States
Nedalia
Sonaron
Oliverry
Spolotikopia
Villarica
Euroslavia
Artoonia*
Tonissia*


* Those with a star provided a roster, but no RPs.

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem win a World Cup Group Stage game

No we aren't joking and it is not April fools day. After Jeruselem's narrow defeat to the folks who invented System Karela knocking Jeruselem out of contention for the finals, 0-1, Jeruselem's final game was against FMJPhoenix.

Having lost to El Cid the Hero 0-1 and System Karela 0-1, this was a dead game for Jeruselem but vital for FMJPhoenix. We have NEVER won a game in the group stage of ANY World Cup since starting in XI. So most people expected poor Jeruselem to lose and go home.

WRONG. We beat the Vikings 2-0, yes our first official win in the group stage after many draws and more losses. Bookies were quite unhappy as many loyal Jeruselem fans put out money on our jinxed team to win, and win big time. Oh yes, it's a day to celebrate. We maybe not on the World Cup finals now for XXIII, but World Cup XXIV here we come!

We are making a DVD of this entire game for once arrangements with the World Cup organisers have been completed. Jeruselemites - celebrate!

Mike Davidson shook his head as the C-mail reporter walked away. "Just how dense can you be?" he muttered. "All you have to do is look at the group table, see that all we need is to not lose, and then logically conclude that we need to do everything in our power to prevent a loss. It's quite simple, really."

Davidson slowly walked toward the training ground concession stand and checked his watch. 2:26 PM. "He said he'd be here around two-thirty," Davidson told himself. And sure enough, as he approached the concession stand, he saw a familiar face walking toward it from the opposite direction. The man was of fairly average height, with dark hair slowly turning gray - he appeared to be about fifty. He wore a medium-green shirt with a light green number 96 on the front.

Davidson's eyes lit up. The visitor grinned and Davidson extended his hand.

"Hi, Nick."

----

The team bus exited the training ground onto the streets of Rébur. Most of the team was looking interestedly at the older man that had boarded the bus with them wearing what appeared to be a Bedistan national team uniform from World Cup 18. Well, only a few would've recognized it as being from that World Cup, actually - even the current team's oldest players were only about fourteen while that Cup was going on; heck, Stalls, Malone, Romano, and English were born during World Cup 18. As the bus rolled along one of Rébur's main avenues, Mike Davidson stood up at the front of the bus, ignoring all basic safety conventions.

"All right, team, listen up," he said, and the chatter mostly died down, though Romano and Malone continued laughing for another few seconds. "Pat, James, that'll be ten extra minutes after next practice," Davidson informed them, and they became quiet. "I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine. One of the best midfielders to ever play on the Bedistan national team and the absolute bane of Streetians everywhere - ladies and gents, the one and only NICK YU!"

The fifty-year-old visitor stood up looking a little nervous. "Er...well...I don't know about me being one of the best midfielders this nation has had, but I suppose I did put in a fair amount of time on the national squad, played fifty-seven games in the green and blue. I played in four World Cups, sixteen through nineteen. Anyway, your coach, Mike Davidson, is a friend of mine and he wanted to invite me along to this match. Who are we playing today, anyway?"

Davidson couldn't suppress a smile. "Cockbill Street, of course." There was a look of dawning comprehension on Nick Yu's face. "As I'm sure you know, after that header that sent us through to the second round of World Cup 17, simulataneously knocking the Street out, you became the most hated man in the Street. So just imagine the looks on their faces when they see you at the match!"

Suddenly substitute forward Billy English spoke up. "Ooh, I've got an idea! Let's start out the match as expected, in that 6-3-1 you decided to leak to the press for some reason. Keep Nick Yu out of sight at the beginning. Then, say about midway through the second half, sub him in--"

"You want me to play in the match?" Yu asked him nervously.

"Sure!" English exclaimed. "When they see you take the pitch, they'll suffer a nervous breakdown and we'll have nothing to worry about!"

"That's absolutely insane," Davidson opined. He then smiled. "I like it."

Every single one of the 76,000-plus seats at Bordeux was filled by people watching the Bedistan-Cockbill Street match. The match was a clash of two different playing styles - Cockbill Street's simple 4-4-2, which was really more offensively-oriented than it looked, and Bedistan's uncharacteristically Karelan 6-3-1, which kept the match interesting even for the Bedistani fans.

The match was in its seventy-first minute of play, with the score still at zero-zero and no sign of it changing any time soon. The Lions' back line had held strong, with Tom Pratt only having to make two significant saves so far. John Swytherton now sent the ball out of play past the sideline, giving Bedistan a throw-in. Many of the fans looked surprised when the official near the Bedistan bench held up a blue sign with a large green number 21 on it. Why was Tara Stalls being substituted out? She was one of the best players on the team despite being only twenty years old, was having an even better game than usual, and showed no signs of growing fatigued. Yet she did not protest - admittedly, though, she probably wouldn't have even if she was angry.

The sign was turned around to reveal the number 96. The fans began to whisper - nobody on the current Bedistan national team wore that number. The mystery was soon solved by the stadium announcer, who spoke with a strong Eauzian accent. "Being substituted out is number twenty-one, Tara Stalls, and being substituted in is number ninety-six, Nick Yu."

Over by the Streetian bench, g'irgah Christine Andrews did not look happy. "Nick Yu?" she whispered. "Surely not the Nick Yu..."

But yes, it was the Nick Yu. Though now obviously older and slower than the other twenty-one players on the pitch, he still looked obviously at home on the pitch, and his effect was just as Billy English had anticipated. Most of the Cockbill Street players were old enough to have some recollection of World Cup 17 or had seen tapes of it, and they all knew exactly who Nick Yu was. He knocked them out in the first round then, and he seemed determined to do it again.

The Streetian players were obviously more nervous than before, and as a result some of their passes were rather sloppy. Alejandro Vantrease, the only Bedistani forward on the pitch, managed to gain possession of the ball in the 76th minute and fired a shot at the goal; twenty-six-year-old Sam Peterson seemed to be one of the few opposing players who didn't seem nervous, perhaps because he was only two years old when Yu made his famous header. Peterson deflected the ball back to Vantrease and somehow managed to maintain a good defensive position on top of that. As a result, Vantrease's rebound ricocheted off Peterson's elbow and went behind the goal, resulting in a corner kick. The Bedistan players looked at each other. They knew what they needed to do.

Vantrease took the corner kick with surgical precision, aiming for one specific head, one head that a slight silvery twinge to it. His aim was true, and Yu struck the ball with his head with an amount of energy one would normally only see from someone half his age. This time Peterson wouldn't be able to make the save. The Lions had gained a one-nil lead with about a quarter hour to play. Again they knew what they needed to do. In a further re-enactment of that World Cup 17 match, the players pulled back into a full-blown System Karela, transforming the 6-3-1 into a 9-1-0. There was just nowhere for the opposing attacks to go, all rendered impotent by the Lions' defensive line. Try as they might, there would be no equalizer for the Street, and when the final whistle blew it was official - Bedistan would continue to the second round and Cockbill Street would not. And once again, Nick Yu was a national hero (or enemy, depending on which nation you ask).

Time: 4:63AM
location: central Rejistania, Doomhammer’s hotel room.

Doomhammer is in his hotel room watching a repeat of the ECTH Vs Rejistania match. The phone begins to ring so Doomhammer picks it up.

DH: hello?

SS: it me sir. Have you seen the match?

DH: its getting to the end of it now. One quick question. Why is no player even touching the ball?

SS: all part of the plan sir. The Rejistania team operates on System Karela. A strategy that relies solely on ones opponent attacking so that you can counter attack.

DH: ok and?

SS: well as we only needed a draw to qualify I simply told the team to just kick the ball into our half and leave it there. Therefore there were no goals and everybody happy. Except for the fans.

DH: I see. So any idea who were facing in the last 16?

SS: nope. But the draws should be soon. Then we will know.

DH: ok here from you later.

SS: k.

S.Sam puts down the phone and enters his bedroom. Kirby is on the Internet betting on the football scores.

SS: Ok. I admit it. Your strategy worked.

K: well you know what they say. Those who live by the Karela die by the Karela.

SS: who on earth says that?

K: …well. Theirs me and… their err um…

SS: you just made that up didn’t you?

K: well yes. But it works.

SS: so apart from betting all day what else have you done today.

K: well for one thing, I sent millions of pornographic photos to Doomhammer’s computer.

SS: why did you… you did it for fun didn’t you?

K: of course not. I did it for shits and giggles.

SS: can you just stop going on the Internet. Read a book or something. It will mess with your brain.

K: I don’t have a brain.

SS: well your eyes…

K: I don’t have eyes.

SS: well what about your… your… your…DAMM IT.

K: I win.

SS: …your game is a tricky one.

Stars hope to be 'sky high' against Celestials

For a team that has only ever met Krytenia twice in senior football play, along with twice in Under 21 competition, the Sarzonian national football team is being approached with some dread on the part of Group B champions Krytenia. The Stars (1-2-0, five points, second place Group A) are considered the Celestials' "personal bogey team" ever since Sarzonia defeated Krytenia 3-1 in the third place match of the first-ever AOCAF tournament.

The Stars say they aren't paying attention to streaks or trends, particularly since most of Sarzonia's success happened under then-Coach Bryan Marshall. Dave Wilson, the current field boss took over during the Cup of Harmony tournament that followed World Cup XVII qualifying.

"Those were different teams and different circumstances," Wilson said. "Back then, a little bit of luck and pluck played into the results. Now, we've assembled a bit of a track record in football and they remain a dangerous side. We're going to have to continue to work as hard as we have been to move on to the quarterfinals."

Sarzonia played to a 2-0-2 record against Krytenia, including a victory in the first-ever match for the now-defunct Under 21 national team during World Cup IV and the AOCAF tournament win. The teams have not played in so much as a friendly since then. While some veterans of the Sarzonian team's early days are still playing, notably midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell and forward Brian Wilson, the majority of the team is new to the Celestials.

"It's a little bit silly to say that we're their bogey team, as we haven't played them since we were neophytes," Brian Wilson said. "Only three of [Sarzonia's starting 11] started the last time we faced Krytenia, and [forward] Barry [Alphonso] was a reserve." Retired forward Anton Gregor was invited to join the team on the player's bench, along with former midfielder and assistant coach Barry Owens.

"We're not going to be able to give [the Stars] a tactical edge," Owens said. "They're looking at tapes just as much as they would for any team they face in the Round of 16. They don't have the kind of familiarity with the Celestials they have with teams like Commerce Heights or Druida."

For the Stars to repeat their run as champions, much will have to go right. But for that to happen, they will have to resume the role the Krytenian media assigned them as the Celestials' bogey team.

"We have a chance to make history," Dave Wilson said. "But we're going to have to do more than remember our history to make new history."

Tigers Tamed by Tumunzahar
Second Round, here comes white-and-purple

There's something about a successful Starblaydi football team that infuses the nation with patriotic fervour. So much fervour, in fact, that even our great Lord-Protector makes it into a football chant or two. Ecoutez et Repetez (see, we've even picked up Le Eauzian Lingo):


"Away in a manger,
No crib for a bed,
Little Lord Tiberius,
Sat up and he said…

STAR-BLADE-YER, STAR-BLADE-YER, STAR-BLADE-YER!
STAR-BLADE-YER, STAR-BLADE-YER, STAR-BLADE-YER…"

Pretty neat, eh? Plus its great to sing at dejected fans from nations such as Tadjikistan when Starblaydi top-scorer Zhorin Tumunzahar has just bagged his ninth goal in total for World Cup 23, his second in World Cup Finals overall. This win booked Starblaydia's place in the Second Round against... some team, either Total n Utter Insanity or Bedistan, according to our scientific blokes.

Starblaydia could be seeking revenge for World Cup 20 when they lost in the Second Round to Bedistan in Extra Time. On the other hand the Insanicans have played Starblaydia twice in the last two World Cups, earning a One-Nil loss and a One-Nil win in the process.

Group F Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Liverpool England 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
2. Starblaydia 6 2 0 1 2:1 1
3. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 2 1:2 -1
4. Lethislavania 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2

To: Alvin Ker <a_ker@asword.gov.rd>
From: Chris Gwee <cgwee@cnfc.org.rd>
Subject: Our WC run

This has got to be one of our best WC campaigns ever.
Sure we drew Oaker 2-2, which isn't much of a revenge for last year when they defeated us at the Round of 16 during the last WC but this is the WC runner-up we are talking about here! So this is exciting stuff!

Next was a 1-0 win against Turori! Can you believe that? This was a team that we have struggled a bit to defeat with consistent results, but this time, we didn't falter, so truly, this was a real surprise even for myself.

Lastly, a win againt 1-0 Five Civilised Nations. This may have been our first encounter with them, but even the 31st-ranked gave us a deal of a hard time before we broke the drought and score at the 72nd minute. It took a while, but it was worth it.

So, now, we are at the Round-of-16. Woohoo! But unfortunately against host Rejistania at their Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati. I have no idea how this match will turn out, but recent matches indicate that we should defeat them, despite thier lofty position. After all, we did defeat them 2-0 in the last World Cup.

No goals today

The Orange-Blues drew against EL CID THE HERO (a nation in which lowercase letters are outlawed). The match was a boring affair, because the va'karela'ny were turned on a too high level. Jiujia Makae said: "I have no idea, what the temple did there, I couldn't even leave my half, I did try, but I nearly collapsed! I know that feeling I have when va'karela'ny are running and one tries to attack, the feeling that the goal is only guarded by 10 players, that was different. Fortunately, El Cid had the same problems." The statement of a person of the temple of Karela, who is responsible for the karelization was very simple: "Oops!"

The next match will see more goals, simply because in the second round, no draws are possible. The Orange-Blues have a bad record against the One Red Dot, so elimination is possible. Coach Siki Rej said: "We are ranked higher, but that means little. I expect this match to be decided very late, probably during PKs"

thsd:NEWS

Sarz In Their Eyes

Well, now we know. A disastrous collapse at the hands of Commerce Heights bumped reigning champions Sarzonia down to second place in Group A. Alas, the bad news is that means they will play the winners of Group B - none other rhan Krytenia.

"We were hoping to avoid this," said manager Alan Munitis, "but now it's happened, so we'll just have to make the best of it. Sarzonia don't appear as strong as four years ago, and the defeatist talk amongst many fans has redoubled our efforts to beat the Stars and go on as far as we can."

And if the worst happens? "We can still take heart in being one of the world's top sixteen teams - plus we get to go home in time to watch the Cup of Harmony."

SARZONIA
V
KRYTENIA

QUALIFYING
MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States D 0-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama D 0-0
MD9: H v Garinas W 3-0 (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare W 2-1
MD11: H v Buben W 2-0 (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous L 1-2 (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix L 1-4 (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine States W 1-0

FINALS
R1 MD1: N v Svecia D 1-1
R1 MD2: N v Harlesburg W 3-2
R1 MD3: N v Crystilakere W 1-0
R2: N v Sarzonia

Fan Report: Crystils to play Commerce Heights

Crystilakere 1 Harlesburg 0
Crystilakere 2 Svecia 1
Crystilakere 0 Krytenia 1

Group B Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Krytenia 7 2 1 0 5:3 2
2. Crystilakere 6 2 0 1 3:2 1
3. Harlesburg 3 1 0 2 4:5 -1
4. Svecia 1 0 1 2 3:5 -2

Commerce Heights vs. Crystilakere (@Estadije Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora)



Despite being tipped for early elimination, the Crystilakere Crystils have progressed from Group B in second place. After winning games over Harlesburg and Svecia, the Crystils lost to Krytenia who finished in first. The Crystils will play Commerce Heights in the second round. Crystilakere have reason to celebrate before the next game where they will be honoring the Channel Kickers who won the NSFA Cup 1-0 after extra time. Crystilakere under 21 midfielder Kale Vellazi scored the winning goal against Rejistania team Kalisimu Salan.

Fan Quotes on Harlesburg

"We underestimated this team even though we said we wouldn't. Luckily they were not able to take advantage and we held on to win the game."

"IT doesn't matter how we played the important thing is that we won."

"If it wasn't for Toader Pold we would have been in a lot of trouble. He saved the coaches job right there"

Fan Quotes on Svecia

"We need to get a new keeper. We won the game but they never should have scored. He practically threw the ball into the net himself."

"We knew we had to win this game and we did. It was probably one of the best games we've played since the final against Audioslavia."

Fan Quotes on Krytenia

"The Crystils already knew they were going to advance to the next round and they played like a team that knew they were going to advance."

"It was the only game we lost in the group stage but it helped us out. If we had won the game we would be playing Sarzonia in the second round."

Fan Quotes on the NSFA Cup

"We never expected that a team from Crystilakere could do so well in the tournament. Most of us thought we would lose early, but the 4-1 win over Harewood FC really got the country behind the Channel Kickers and from there the rest is history."

"The Channel Kickers are one of the most excited teams in Crystilakere, and I think they could have done just as well in the champions league. They have proven they were the best in the NSFA cup and they will be back to prove it again next time."

Fan Quotes on Commerce Heights

"We are fairly confident on our chances of beating Commerce Heights. We don't have a long history with them but we're due to beat them."

"I just hope we can beat them and face Sarzonia in the next round. Nothing would please us more than to knock out Sarzonia."

Time: 4:63AM
location: central Rejistania, Doomhammer’s hotel room.

Doomhammer and S.Sam are on the phone discussing the upcoming Turori match. Doomhammer is trying to understand the situation.

DH: So we have to face a team that beat us in qualifying again?

SS: yes, we do.

DH: And even though we finished first in our group we have a higher-ranked opponent than Rejistania do?

SS: yep.

DH: And not only that. This is their swan song and therefore Murphy’s law states that they will overcome impossible odd and win through in the end.

SS: yes, it does

DH: Can I just say that Murphy’s law totally sucks.

SS: I know how you feel.

DH: So it’s looking bad then.

SS: Yep.

DH: Ok then. See you at the match.

SS: ok see you. Bye.

S.Sam puts the phone down and goes to his bed where Kirby is examining the principles of Murphy’s law.

SS: So have you found anything yet?

K: not yet Sid, but I’m getting there.

SS: how many times must I tell you not to call me Sid.

K: at least once more. But that’s not important right now.

SS: so, you’re the expert in these matters. How do you disable Murphy’s law? There has to be a way.

K: don’t worry, I should have it done in a few seconds. And…I’VE GOT IT!!

SS: you’ve discovered how to break Murphy’s law?

K: YES. HERE IT IS. “I sure hope nothing bad happens to Murphy’s law today.”

SS: … that’s it?

K: I know. So simple but ingenious!

SS: well simple is a word I would use to describe both you and your plan. 6 hours access to the pay-per-view and the password to my porn sites, which we are both keeping under our hat, and you come up with this? Things can’t get any worse.

K: not now. Since I disabled Murphy’s law. You may thank me after the game.

After Les Bleus tied with Squorn on MD3 the group stage, it allowed Les Bleus to advance to the next round. Goals though, were scored in this tie, at 1 – 1, as it appeared that the temple had transferred more va'karela'ny to the Rejis match against EL CID. Nonetheless, Les Bleus finished second in the group, tied with 5 points. The reason Les Bleus were not 1st, was because Squorn had a higher GD. Fans wondered why the GD, decided everything, because this WAS a Karelan cup.

The next match will come against Lovisa in the knock out round. Lovisa seemed to be on a bit of a streak. They played against some tough teams from Druida and Vilita, and came away with a victory against Druida and a tie against Vilita. Coach Joseuf commented earlier, saying “This match should provide be one of the toughest so far. We’ll just have to play how we know, ensure we defend well, and keep the ball out of any “danger zones”. He said a bit later though that “our offense worries me a bit, as we only scored 2 and conceded 1. We can’t rely on ties during the knockout round, so we’ll have to work on a bit of our playmaking to get a bit more offense working.”

For Les Bleus, they have no recent history of playing against Lovisa, due to the History building being burnt down a few years ago, by frustrated football fans, who played in Eauz. Rumors are going around that it involved Lovisian or Starblaydi fans, but who knows…

Rumors are also going around Eauz and Rejistania, that the monks are installing even more va'karela'ny in the stadiums, but no one is sure, as they’ve closed off access to these buildings, until 2 hours before the Match. It is expected that a record crowd, full of Eauzian fans will be on hand at Le Stade de Monteuz.

Eels Ready for Cid



------------------------------In his last World Cup Finals, Cednia Beach AFC's Milauo Slietah gets the nod over Yeaddin's Ebbow Dakin between the sticks for Turori's all-important second round clash with El Cid the Hero. The Vilitan Empire has clashed many times in recent seasons with El Cid the Hero, and Slietah feels very confident about his teams chances against the Capitalist nation. Defender Niauo Yidiea, based in Cockbill Street, will be dissapointed to not be selected in the starting eleven despite impressing in recent matches, but Slietah, in charge of selection for the squad, has felt that Raoibn Olioab's experience against teams of the mold of El Cid the Hero is too vital to leave on the bench. The starting lineup for the Eels against El Cid the Hero in the second round of the World Cup 23 is as follows.
2nd
GK :: Milauo Slietah ( 38 ) : Cednia Beach AFC
xD :: Maratima Tareak ( 26 ) : Wzkknfs Hnyd Pinks (MEL)
xD :: Raoibn Olioab ( 27 ) : Titania Forests (MEL)
xD :: Jiateo Kansu-Ramzi ( 25 ) : Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati (REJ) Rejistania
xM :: Duane Northam ( 29 ) : Arcticala Inlet (VIL)
xM :: Malaino Mumamba ( 32 ) : Yeaddin Owls (VIL)
xM :: Christian Briyjao ( 24 ) : Roegrow Athletic (CST) Cockbill Street
xM :: Martiia Vluka ( 26 ) : Ugiata Uglies (KZP)
MF :: Martiia Rawaii ( 27 ) : Legalese City (LGL)
xF :: Jutar Ranaso ( 28 ) : O'Conner Greens (MEL)
xF :: Koiba Uviava ( 28 ) : Muginz (KZP)


------------------------------Long time Wunokalsa Waridi forward Izzitra Bomai is named on the bench in what could also be his last appearance for the Turorian National team. Rising Yeaddin Owls super-starlet Lennie Lavine has already been tipped by Milauo Slietah for a call up to the squad in the future. The finalized substitutes bench against El Cid also includes former Vilitan Under-21 Defensive Midfielder Julio Matengo, who's chances at this level have been limited in recent years.


GK :: Ebbow Dakin ( 22 ) : Liguon Valley (VIL)
xD :: Niauo Yidiea ( 20 ) : Sto'kh'darakha Roh'nidh'ba (CST)
DM :: Julio Matengo ( 27 ) : Fmjphoenix Flame (FMJ) Vilitan
DM :: Mikel ( 25 ) : Wheeler and Masterson Univ. (LEG) Legalese
xM :: Restiaa Rlain ( 29 ) : Spraat FC (FMJ)
xM :: Christian Briyjao ( 24 ) : Roegrow Athletic (CST) Cockbill Street
MF :: Izzitra Bomai ( 31 ) : Wunokalsa Waridi



------------------------------The Winner of the Turori-El Cid matchup is likely to move on to face tournament hosts Rejistania, in what would be a massive victory should either of these two teams manage to topple the former World Number Ones on their home turf. There have been whispers of corruption throughout the entire tournament, and one would have to perform extraordinarily exceptional to overcome the Orange-Blues on their route to the finals.

Insanicians beat Liamists
...and steal their lunch money

The Insanicians matched their best performance in the World Cup Finals, by giving Liamist States a sound thrashing not seen since World Cup 2, where the Insanicians opened their first international match in Group H drubbing Dyelli Beybi by the same score.

The Insanicians back in the second round after being brutally robbed 4 years ago by shoddy refereeing, will be looking for revenge against Starblaydia. With a possible rematch against Bedistan or the evil Liverpool England in the Quarters expect some violent football with plenty of cards.

Speculation Increases on Colonial Future

---------------------Speculation on the future of the Turori national team has increased today after a journalist managed to get a glimpse inside the national training grounds in Turori from high atop a tree. Despite taking a no comment approach since first announcing that they were no longer going to accept the role as Vilita's colonial entrant into World Cup Qualifying after World Cup 23, a representative from the Turori FA was able to confirm that the journalist did see what he had seen, and taken pictures of.

---------------------Inside the Turorian national training grounds, the journalist spotted what appeared to be the National Team of Marligantis, another Vilitan Colony with a recognized football association, and one of the leading favorites to take up the role as the Colonial Entry from the Empire of Vilita in World Cup 24. The Marligantian players spent the day training on the south end of the grounds, before an hour long scrimmage with the Turorian B-National Squad, including Vilita League prospects Lennie Lavine and Brad Edwards.

---------------------The journalist managed to keep score and noted that Lennie Lavine netted 4 times over the 60 minute session for the Turorian squad, while Marligantis scored just one goal off a corner kick. It is unknown whether the Marligantian squad are training in preperation for a run at World Cup Qualifying, but it is clear that they are in cooperation with the Turorian Football Association at this time.

---------------------A phone call to the Football Association of Marligantis did nothing to either confirm or deny the plans of the Marligantis National Team in the future, but the availability of a secretary at three o'clock in the morning can only insinuate that plans are well under way to expand the resources of the Marligantis Football Association.

"500 va'karela?" Asked priest Xeki one of his monks.

"It was, you wrote for match in Salan." Replied Sehan, who was sweating under his robe.

"I said and I wrote '50 additional va'karela'ny for the Rejistania-El Cid match'!" He started becoming angry, very angry, in fact.

"Namin! Look you at it!" He showed the priest the fax. Xeki's jaw dropped, a data mistransfer caused the rejistanian sign for ten to look like the sign for hundred. (Rejistanians write numbers as they speak them: that means 1 and the sign 'ke' means 10, 1 and the sign for 'ri' being 100. Since rejistanians do not use the 0 in numbers different than 0, it is impossible to see the value of a number out of the number of symbols)

"Okay... transfer all but 50 of the additional va'karela'ny to the strategical department."

"Strategical department?" Asked the monk

"In Jinhes, where the takilan vaccination is examined!"

"k, how many go to Estadije Sen-La-Sa~o Relek~hati?"

"It's not that the RP-bonus is character based, say SLS R like every normal person!"

"k, how many go to SLS R?"

"none, it is prepared to bring the decision late, the right decision of course."

RP cutoff

expect scores TGed soon if you're in Eauz's region and whenever I'll be awake enough to TG them otherwise.

Sarzonia makes Celestials 'Crytenia'

Regulation and extra time couldn't decide the Round of 16 match between the Sarzonian national football team and regional rivals Krytenia, a team that dubbed the Stars as their "bogey team" after early success. With the match in penalties, defender Trevor Crenshaw's late goal and a Horace Sandt save advanced the Stars to the quarterfinals.

Sarzonia needed tying goals from Bruce Badger in the waning moments of regulation and Kenny Cooper in stoppage time as the second extra session wore out to force the penalty sessions before Sandt stood tall on the sixth shot of penalties for Krytenia.

"We had to fight and scratch and claw for that point," Coach Dave Wilson said. "This was the toughest match we played since Turori in the quarterfinals last year."

Sandt hadn't allowed more than two goals in a match since the opening match of the World Cup finals match during World Cup XXI against Rejistania, but the Celesitals found the range behind his goal twice, in the 41st minute of regulation and in the 98th minute during stoppage time. But each time, the Stars managed to find a way to equalise.

"We didn't get very far without being a determined bunch of lads," Badger said. "We won the World Cup because we didn't give up when the chips were down last time. We're going to have to fight and scratch and claw like we have for just about every match."

Marligantis Refute Colony Claims



--------------------The Football Association of Marligantis has refuted initial rumors that they would be invited by the Vilitan Empire to participate in World Cup 24 Qualifying in the colonial position currently occupied by the Island Emirate of Turori. Rumors have been rampant all throughout the Empire as to which nation would be entered into World Cup 24 as the colonial entrant from the Vilitan Empire after the Football Association of Turori announced that they would not be entering as a colony any longer. It was believed that the two leading candidates were Atlantis of Vilita, who have been building a strong program that has already entered two Under 21 World Cups, and Marligantis who were seen training at the Turori National Training Grounds just last week.

--------------------However, the Football Association of Marligantis may have just put a stifle on speculations of their entry into the World Cup after filing an official entry form to be the Vilitan Empire's colonial entry into the 18th Under 21 World Cup. The Island Emirate of Turori relinquished their acceptance of this position many cups ago, allowing the rest of the Vilitan Empire a chance at participation while focusing on their efforts in the World Cup. Now it seems apparant, with Marligantis taking the place of Atlantis of Vilita in the Under 21 World Cup, that Atlantis of Vilita is now favored to take the place of Turori in World Cup 24 Qualifying. Rumors have placed Atlantis of Vilita Under 21 captain Amfali at the Champions League final, sitting next to former Starblaydian superstar Simeone Di Bradini as a guest of Iskaraa Daii. A trio of situation have been rumored from this sighting, but if one thing is for certain it is that Captain Amfali is preparing for competition somewhere next season.

Women's World Cup
The Beginning, The Controversy, The Motivation

The fledgling start of the first Women's World Cup has recieved some signups, some compliments, some complaints and some roadblocks. But the will of a few nations and their teams of women playing on an equal playing field would be a marvellous sight to see for players and supporters alike. There has been women in the World Cup for quite some time now and even a few hoist the cup above their heads, but in all cups there have been men in their way on the road to the cup with the assistance of men on their team. The cup offers an equal playing field for women so that players excluded from their world cup squad because of skill or gender may represent their nation to play for pride and glory.

The Hockey Canadian Soccer Association (HCSA) has volunteered to host the inaugural tournement that is a kickoff to many Women's World Cups in the future. Numerous stadiums in Hockey Canada are either being prepared for the Cup or renovating to be up-to-date with today's stadiums. This cup just may rival that of bids for the World Cup, though Hockey Canada would not consider it for a few years time.

Interviews with a few players even had it's support, this one was given to Jenna Raven of the Sarzonia Stars (who graciously accepted to the interview).

"What is your opinion on the new World Cup for women?"

"I think it is an exciting opportunity for some of the less fortunate women unlike myself, who do not get to play in the world cup. There are a lot of young girls out there just dying to be as good as players like us and maybe this will be their chance to prove it. I am afraid however that if a Women's World Cup is created, they will restrict the traditional World Cup to Men only and force me to play with a bunch of dumb blondes all the time."

"Yea most of these girls are not going to be good as myself or some of the other girls that might be forced to play there. It really won't be as fun for me as it will be more like a training session than an actual competition."

"With this being the inaugural Women's World Cup, what do you think about the controversy surrounding a cup for women only?"

"I think it all depends on the effect it has on the World Cup and how long it runs. This cup it will just be a bunch of talk, if theres another, thats when it could start turning into controversy."

"If a player as good as yourself were excluded from the World Cup team, would you support this World Cup more? Another question is that what do you think about the women in positions where gender is keeping them from representing their country?"

"I don't think gender is keeping anyone from representing their country in the world cup. I think it's just lack of skills. If they had the skills enough to make it to the world cup they would be in it, but they are just not as good as others, I guess. I don't mind that they are going to have their own cup to participate in, I think it's great it will help improve their game and we can have fun running circles around some of them. Just as long as they don't keep me from playing in the real World Cup."

"One last question. In this first Women's World Cup, how do you feel about every nation starting off in the same rank having to work their way to win each game?"

"I think it's great, you prove yourself on the field to win your game thats the way it should be."

"Thank you for your time."

"Thank You, and Good Luck"

The cup signups have not looked considerably large, but it has only been in existance for a few days now. Slowly inching larger- the target is 32 nations to sign up, if more do, qualifications will be needed.

Women's World Cup Signup (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=432012)

OOC: Special thanks to Vilita and the rest of the IRC crew.

Just like 28 Years Ago Today...
'Bollocks to this, I'm gonna score' said Gre

Starblaydia haven't been to the Quarter-Finals of a World Cup for a grand total of twenty-eight years. The last time was back in World Cup 17, where they lost to Melmond. Now, with the average age of the 23-man squad at just 27 years old, Starblaydia are back to face Bedistan in the Quarter-Finals of World Cup 23.

They got there thanks to a pair of players born around the time of World Cup 18, Itechton Matranga and Nunzio Gre. In this match, Starblaydia and Total n Utter Insanity conspired to equal the record number of goals scored in a match at Le Temple de Karela: Three. Three goals?

After the Insanicians opened the scoring, Itecton Matranga gots Starblaydia's hopes up again with a well-struck shot in the second half, although that did nothing other than send the match to injury time, with both sides seemingly unable to hit the proverbial barn door from any distance.

"At Sikane Sekhika I'm bombarded with 'Karela' training every day," said Nunzio Gre the man who, among other things, lifted Starblaydia's Under-21 World Cup trophy, "and I just thought 'Bollocks to this, I'm gonna score'. So I did."

Gre promptly dribbled round three Insanican players and shot low into the corner of the net from around fourteen yards for his first ever goal for the Starblaydi national team. Does anyone else think he should have decided to score at cruical moment before a World Cup Quarter Final?

Now comes Bedistan. Right, the team that knocked us out of World Cup 20 - our own bloody cup! - in Extra Time of the Second Round. Vengence will be ours, sayeth the team.

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Ghost of Karela Victorious


-----------------The fans came from all over to Kalimnintan kalesa in KaMaRi kali, Rejistania for the World Cup 23 second round matchup between the favored Turori Eels and long time capitalists El Cid the Hero. Both teams entered the match in a lull of form after closing out the group stage with a draw. El Cid The Hero earned a draw against hosts Rejistania to top their group, while a draw with Oaker relegated the Eels to the second place and a matchup against El Cid the Hero. KaMaRi Kali has a long history in itself, being the mass result of three overpopulated cities, Kalimnintan, Maiju and Riandu. The venue for the match was Estadije Ines Karela Lines, the storied home of the Karela Lines football club. Karela Lines have become a world reknowned team, despite their amateur routes. Their highly defensive tactic, dubbed 'System Karela', has been adopted by the Rejistania Orange-Blues national team, and penetrated other nations such as Hockey Canada.

-----------------As the 149,700 fans packed the walls of the Ines Karela Lines however, none of them expected to see the type of scorelines the Karelan homeland is used to, with neither the Turori Eels or El Cid The Hero being members of the Karela Club. The Eels fielded a penetrating 3-4-1-2 lineup and made clear their intentions to attack their opponents all night long. When referee Laksu Kynsu of Rejistania blew for the start of the match, the fans were on their feet and anxious to see the action begin. Christian Briyjao looked useful in midfield for the Eels, but despite his good work Turori was unable to create a useful scoring opportunity in the opening half hour of the match. Luckily for the Eels, goalkeeper Milauo Slietah was only forced into one half save off a very weak Prog Kraid free kick early on in the half, and faced little else in the way of having to move off his line through the remainder of the first half. The fans were on their feet just before half time when it appeared that Jutar Ranaso was set to score the first goal of the match. With the net wide open, the 28 year old Unattached former O'Connor Greens forward found himself unmarked 6 yards out with no possible way to miss. Ranaso calmly tapped the ball towards the net and looked set to wheel towards the corner flag when the sky went dark and an immense burst of wind swept through the stadium. Recorded at over 150 miles per hour, the gust immediately changed the direction of Ranaso effort, saving the blushes of El Cid's goalkeeper Kim Nash who lay helpless outside the 18 yard box. The ball ended up on the other side of midfield before Maratima Tareak returned to collect it, but neither side could mount another attack in the first half.

-----------------As the second half resumed, Referree Kynsu began to open up his book. After a series of yellow cards, including an incomprehensible time wasting call against Arcticala Inlet's Duane Northam, Kynsu pulled out the red and gave Turori's Koiba Uviava his marching orders. The stands were silenced and coaches on both sidelines were up in arms after Uviava was adjudged to have fouled a player on the other side of the pitch from where he was playing. After initial walking off the pitch in disgust, Uviava returned to the field five minutes later and attacked referree Kynsu. After delivering a gushing blow to the side of the face, Uviava tackled Kynsu who could only brace himself as he fell to the ground. The brawl continued for a few moments before it appeared Uviava pulled a muscle and fell limp. The player had to be stretchered off the field, despite being the clear victor in the brawl, but not before receiving a second and third red card from Kynsu who sat with tissues up his nose to retard the bleeding.

-----------------Despite a 15 minute stoppage due to the sending off of Uviava and the ensuing brawl, referee Kynsu added just a single minute of stoppage time to the extreme disgust of the nearly 150,000 strong inside the Ines Karela Lines. With the scores knotted at 0-0, the two teams prepared for extra time with El Cid the Hero prepared to use the extra man to their advantage. Slietah signalled a change to start the extra period, removing Northam and introducing defender Niauo Yidiea, clearly looking to compensate for the man disadvantage by bolstering his squads defense. Also coming out of the game was midfielder Christian Briyjao, who Slietah deemed had tired himself out too much to continue, and Spraat FC's Restiaa Rlain was brought in to take his place. The defensive tactics worked and the Eels witheld the Elciddean pressure through the first half of Extra Time.

-----------------After a brief restructuring by Slietah, 10 man Turori took the upper hand as play resumed and looked set to bag a late winner. Turori looked content to keep the same 10 players on the pitch, as neither outfield substitute Julio Matengo or Mikel was out of their seat when forward Ranaso went down in pain 5 minutes from time. Ranaso had been the spark in the late Turori drive looking useful in the final third and very nearly opening the scoring. It appeared as if a sinkhole had opened under the pitch just as Ranaso sprinted towards the corner to chase Rawaii's long ball, and the 28 year old dropped to the ground in obvious pain. Slietah immediately looked towards his bench, but before he could get his orders in his attentions were drawn skyward. The deep night sky had turned a bright red as all eyes peered upward. Grazing the top of the North Stand and ripping some of the lights off the top row, a meteor crashed down and throw the Turori sideline sending shards of plastic and rock through the air as the players dove away for cover. When the dust settled both Matengu and Mikel, the two remaining outfield subs for the Eels were in need of serious medical attention, as well as the Turorian physio and assistant trainer. The emergency crew rushed from out of the tunnel, alongwith Turorian backup goalkeeper Ebbow Dakin who had gone to the dressing room to use the urinal. The Turorians were taken to a local hospital where all four are expected to recover from their injuries.

-----------------As for Dakin, still in shock of the sight of his teammates being stretchered off from the bench he had just gotten up from, he was now being instructed to head back into the locker room and grab an outfielders shirt, as he was the only available option for Slietah to bring in place of the injured Jutar Ranaso. Dakin hurried into the match making his first ever appearance in the outfield and took on the role of the lone Striker in place of Ranaso. He never got a touch on the ball however, as referre Kynsu quickly blew for full time with the match ending scoreless and heading towards penalty kicks. The Turorians had the ball first but Martiia Vluka's effort was parried away by El Cid's Kim Dash. El Cid's first penalty kick was taken by "Huggy" Dash, who looked confident of his chances as he stepped up to the ball. However, Dash appeared to slip on the turf as he planted his left foot, and as his body slid out from under him, Milaou Slietah only had to watch as the ball skyrocketed deep into the stands. Next up for the Eels was Restiaa Rlain who stepped up to start the second round of kicks. Rlain got a good angle on the ball and sent it towards the top of the net and it looked to be out of Dash's reach. However, if only by the displacement of air around their outstretched Hand, Dash managed to turn the ball around the post to keep the Eels scoreless. El Cid would still need to net the first goal of the night, however, if they were to take advantage of their Goalkeepers perfect performance. The Elciddeans were on their feet when reknowned set piece specialist Prog Kraid stepped up and curled a beautiful ball that struck the inside of goalkeepers left hand cross bar, before shooting accross the line and meeting the opposite post before gently rolling away from the net and out, once again leaving the scoreline deadlocked at zero.

-----------------The atmosphere grew tense inside the Ines Karela Lines as it began to look like the first team to net a penalty kick would be the victors. For Turori, it was there own Set Piece expert, and the most experienced player on the pitch bar Goalkeeper Slietah, Malaino Mumamba. Mumamba, a long time Yeaddin Owls AFC midfielder, stepped up to the delight of the Turori Faithful filling the Eastern and scattered in the neutral area behind the goal. It was silence however as he began his runup, and as the ball chimed off the keepers right hand post the sound screamed through ever set of ears in KaMaRa Kali. Dejected, Mumamba walked off fearing that he had cost his team a chance at advancing to the next round in what could be their last World Cup Finals. Mumamba's blushes were saved, however, when El Cid's Jim Quite failed to get his penalty on target. Slietah, unhappy with the performance of his penalty takers, was clearly set to take the next kick on his own, Goalkeeper against Goalkeeper. With the scores level at zero, Slietah raised his arms in the air, palms upward as the crowd roared. Then, shockingly as if harnessing the power of Karela itself, Neneriva struck from the darkened skies above and surrounded the Turorian Keeper in a storming light. Unphased, Slietah signalled the referree to blow his whistle, and he did. Lowering his arms slowly, the Neneriva still flowing as if the heavens themselves were opening up, Slietah stepped up and Kim Dash had no chance, despite guessing correctly, Slietah's rocket tore through the hands of the Elciddean keeper with a comet tail tracing it's path. The ball hit the back of the net with such force that the goal posts curved backwards to absorb the magnitude of the impact. Slietah wheeled away, In his final World Cup, once again solidifying his legendary status as one of, if not the greatest player in the history of Turori.

-----------------There was still work to be done, as Slietah returned to the Goalkeepers box. Norm Turner stepped up for El Cid the Hero, but just the look in Slietah's eyes was enough to intimidate the striker who may as well have picked the ball up with his hands and handed to to the Cednia Beach native who easily controlled Turner's effort to set the stage for the final round of penalty kicks, with Turori leading 1-0. Knowing that a goal would win the match for his team, Slietah pondered for a moment. Slietah determined that the only way to beat Karela, was to use Karela itself. Passing up on experienced set piece taker Jiateo Kansu-Ramzi, Slietah put his arms around Backup Goalkeeper Ebbow Dakin. Dakin, who had never taken a penalty kick in his entire life, even in training, stepped up with the ball. At this point the crowd was silenced, but there was no denying Karela on this day. As the Turorian supporters cheered, Milauo Slietah walked calmly off the pitch to prepare for his teams next opponents, Rejistania, and then he smiled.







Turori 0:0 El Cid The Hero (AET) (Turori Advance 2-0 on PKs)
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Three Orange-Blue Goals

The Orange-Blues defeated the Wolves from One Red Dot by a 3:0 scoreline. The Orange-Blues did not play very offensively but they capitalized the three chances they had in the entire match. The Red Dots played in an attacking 4-4-2 formation, the Orange-Blues played a 6-3-1. This time, the match was not blocked by far to many va'karela'ny. The Red Dots attacked and the Orange-Blues defended and counter-attacked. Jiujia Makae was successfull in the 19th minute: a misunderstanding in the defense of the Red Dots gave him the chance to bring the Orange-Blues ahead and his shot sailed past the dotty goalkeeper. 1:0 for the Rejis. The Orange-Blues pulled back even more, but as SyLy once said: "Some chances yearn to be capitalized! They'd be unhappy if I didn't!" Midfielder Mijan Jasadajasa headed a freekick by Rijat Redy into the net. That was the 2:0 in the 49th minute. Jiujia Makae and Kansu I Kansu started a counter-attack in the 85th minute despite all rules of Karela saying they should defend the lead. Fortunately, the counter was successfull. If this went wrong, the wolves would have been able to reduce the lead to 2:1, but since Jiujia scored, the Orange-Blues won 3:0. Jiujia later admitted that he acted irresponsibly. To defend himself, he cited said SyLy quote.

The next match will be against the eels of Turori, who are in serious lack of substitutes after they resisted to Karela in the Estadije Ines Karela Lines.

Fan Report: Crystils make it to quarter final

Commerce Heights vs. Crystilakere (@Estadije Sijitalatirikimidateme Xkora)

Commerce Heights 0 Crystilakere 0 AET 0:1


The Crystilakere Crystils have advanced to the world cup 23 quarter finals. Crystilakere has won against Commerce Heights in extra time after playing a 0-0 game. In the other game of the second round, we know that Sarzonia beat krytenia on penalty kicks but do now know the actual score of the game. This does mean that Crystilakere might be playing Sarzonia in the quarter finals at an unknown stadium. If so this could be a very important match for Crystilakere against very old rivals Sarzonia.

Fan Quotes on Commerce Heights

"It was very lucky to advance against Commerce Heights. It did not look like anyone was going to score a goal until Filippo ferraro scored in extra time and the crystils went on to win the game."

"We were better than Commerce Heights but they were also very good and it was a very difficult game. We are thankful for beating them and hope we can do it again next time."

"I did not know the game would have extra time. When the game ended with a 0-0 score I left the stadium. I felt like a dummy when i flipped on the radio and the game was still playing. I am glad we won so I can go to the next game too."

Fan Quotes on Sarzonia

"We are very much looking forward to this game. There are many games in the past between Crystilakere and sarzonia and we only like winning against them. They are a country that touches us and sometimes there are fights between us but they are fun."

"Sarzonia is supposed to be the best team in the world but we do not believe this. If we can beat them that will not make us the best team in the world, but it will show that they are not and that is acceptable to us."


"I know that we will play the best players in Crystilakere and we will beat Sarzonia. Our players will be very excited to play in this game because there is much to play for."

Stars hope to be less than neighbourly

Sarzonia and Crystilakere are a study in contrasts. On the pitch, the two footballing powers have a fierce rivalry that befits their status as neighbouring nations, though the countries have generally cooperated in non-sporting endeavours.

The Stars have faced Crystilakere several times on the pitch and have a largely balanced record against the Crystils, marked by a win over Crystilakere in the first-ever match for the Stars and a 4-1 embarrassment during the World Cup XIX finals group stage. Sarzonia Coach Dave Wilson has been showing video of that match to his team throughout the days leading up to the match.

"We want our players to never forget what happened then," Wilson said, noting that was the Cup that saw Crystilakere come from nowhere to win the World Cup. "And we're certainly going to use [fan comments] as bulletin board fodder," he added.

"They disrespected us," midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell said. "We want to make them pay dearly for that."

The Stars barely got past Group B champions Krytenia, winning 6-5 in penalties after regulation ended 1-1 and extra time ended 2-2. Despite allowing two goals for the first time since the first match of the World Cup XXI finals group stage, goalkeeper Horace Sandt said he is confident heading into the match against the Crystils.

"Stats don't matter except that number in the win column," Sandt said. The Stars keeper hadn't allowed two goals in a match in a span of 23 matches, but, "that was bound to end sometime.

"Look, you're going to have a bad game every once in a while. I'm not saying that was, but allowing seven goals in 23 matches is almost unheard of. It's going to take a total team effort for us to go on to the next rounds, but that's always been the case with this side."

The Stars as a team come in with respect for their southern neighbours, but also come in with a chip on their shoulder about the size of the landmass they reside on.

"People have been making a rather large mess of disparaging comments about us and our football," defender Mike Coyle said. "I read the Starblaydi prats even said we played Karela. We hate Karela."

The Daily Druid

SQUORN TO BE WILD
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Squornshelous 1 Druida 3

Hmmm. I've been wondering - is the Druida side we've seen in the last two games the same one that turned out for the previous sixteen?

The only reason why I mention it is that all the way through qualifying, Druida looked like Holy India. Just plain awful. The only reason they even made it to the finals in the first place was because of Hypocria's inexperience and Raptor Claw capitulating in their final two games.

The group stage didn't start off all that well, either. A goalless draw against The eternally mediocre Weegies, followed by a 2-1 defeat to Lovisa meant that Druida had to beat Vilita in their final group game.

Consider that it hasn't been since AOCAF4 twenty years ago since such a result had occured, and that Druida have only managed a draw in their four games since then. Games with our friends across the cove generally don't inspire confidence in the Druidan public.

So when Adrian Belmore came up with a second-half goal for the Rainbows, it was a tense time to see if they could hold on. Yet, somehow, they did, Druida went through over Vilita on a better head-to-head record, and one of the favourites for the cup were heading back to Atlantian Oceania.

And so, onwards to Round Two, and it doesn't get any easier for Druida. The Squornshelous Pschychoes were up next, another team who've been in the top ten of the rankings for what seems like forever (though only since their World Cup 20 exploits). It looked like another Second Round exit was on the cards.

But no! The Jones brothers put in an amazing performance in the first half performance, with Dai and Trevor netting to put the rainbows two to the good at half time.

After the break, Druida seemed to relax a little, though they stayed in control of proceedings. Eric Tree added a free kick midway through the second half before Brian Guerrero got a late concilation.

And that was it! Druida, from not even looking like making the World Cup Finals, were in the last eight, where they will get beaten by (Ed: surely "face up to") host nation Eauz. Druida are now the biggest outsiders left in the tournament, and any further progress would see them not only be the biggest surprise package in the cup, but also the best ever side from the Druidish Lands.

It isn't going to happen, is it?


Second Round | Quarter Finals | Semi Finals | Final |

Commerce Heights--------|
| Crystilakere---|
Crystilakere------------| |
| --------------|
Krytenia----------------| | |
| Sarzonia-------| |
Sarzonia----------------| |
| --------------|
One Red Dot-------------| | |
| Rejistania-----| | |
Rejistania--------------| | | |
| --------------| |
EL CID THE HERO---------| | |
| Turori---------| |
Turori------------------| |
|
Total n Utter Insanity--| |
| Starblaydia----| |
Starblaydia-------------| | |
| --------------| |
Liverpool England-------| | | |
| Bedistan-------| | |
Bedistan----------------| | |
|---------------|
Lovisa------------------| |
| Eauz-----------| |
Eauz--------------------| | |
|---------------|
Squornshelous-----------| |
| Druida---------|
Druida------------------|


The Daily Druid

DFA STUPID: OFFICIAL
Bill Posters reports

The DFA have been branded complete stupidheads by everyone in the world ever after fluffing up the start to the Cup of Harmony (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=432742) thread twice.

"We're just so into our World Cup 24 Hostiing Bid with Krytenia that we think it's already happened!" said one sarcastic critic.

Trevor Belmore of the DFA declined to comment on the matter, though he did comment that he needed to be home for 28 o'clock, and anyway, it's not as if it's the coming of the five horsemen of the apocalypse.

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Slietah Calls on Reserves



------------------------------A catostrophic event during the match against El Cid the Hero in the second round left Turori chief Milauo Slietah short on players after Julio Matengo and Mikel were injured by debris from a falling meteor. The duo are likely to miss the rest of the World Cup Finals, should Turori advance any further, and will certainly be missing out on the match against Rejistania. Slietah has made one change in the starting lineup, removing Raoibn Olioab and inserting Cockbill Street based Niauo Yidiea, who impressed very much in the game against El Cid the Hero. There were rumors that Restiaa Rlain would get a chance in the starting 11, however the midfielder will have to once again take his place on the bench.
2nd
GK :: Milauo Slietah ( 38 ) : Cednia Beach AFC
xD :: Maratima Tareak ( 26 ) : -Available for Transfer-
xD :: Niauo Yidiea ( 20 ) : Sto'kh'darakha Roh'nidh'ba (CST)
xD :: Jiateo Kansu-Ramzi ( 25 ) : Sen-La-Sa~o Relekhati (REJ) Rejistania
xM :: Duane Northam ( 29 ) : Arcticala Inlet (VIL)
xM :: Malaino Mumamba ( 32 ) : Kiiarana City (VIL)
xM :: Christian Briyjao ( 24 ) : Roegrow Athletic (CST) Cockbill Street
xM :: Martiia Vluka ( 26 ) : -Available for Transfer-
MF :: Martiia Rawaii ( 27 ) : -Available for Transfer-
xF :: Jutar Ranaso ( 28 ) : -Available for Transfer-
xF :: Koiba Uviava ( 28 ) : -Available for Transfer-


------------------------------Mikel and Matengo have been ruled out for the duration of the World Cup Finals, forcing Milauo Slietah to dip into the Turorian Youth reserves. Slietah is unphased, despite the players experience, as namely Lennie Lavine of the Yeaddin Owls AFC and Brad Edwards of Inland Peaks FC. Have been earning deserved accolaides for their performances in the Vilitan Stellar Division. Also called in as defensive cover is Terrarokka Spirit's Mauricio Stesko, after Raoibn Olioab failed a fitness test earlier this morning.


GK :: Ebbow Dakin ( 22 ) : Liguon Valley (VIL)
xD :: Mauricio Stesko ( 19 ) : Terrarokka Spirit (VIL)
xM :: Raso Morre ( 27 ) : -Available for Transfer-
xM :: Brad Edwards ( 19 ) : Inland Peaks (VIL)
xM :: Restiaa Rlain ( 29 ) : Spraat FC (FMJ)
MF :: Izzitra Bomai ( 31 ) : Wunokalsa Waridi
xF :: Lennie Lavine ( 18 ) : Yeaddin Owls (VIL)




------------------------------Despite being ranked in the top five in the world, the Eels are the least favored team remaining in the Rejistanian region. Coming up against multiple time World Cup champions, and tournament hosts Rejistania on their own turf, The Eels will undoubtebly have a tough task ahead of them if they are to advance any further in the cup. The winner of the Turori-Rejistania match, no matter who it is, will have another tough match ahead of them. The other Quarter Final matchup in the Rejistania region features two former World Cup champions, both from the Atlantian Oceania region. Defending World Cup Champions Sarzonia will look to stay on their defensive campaign, but World Cup 19 Champions Crystilakere will certainly look to win over their rivals and add another World Cup title to their resume. Nobody knows much about the Quarter Finals in the Eauz region, only that one of them features Starblaydia.


------------------------------Editors Note: Since the time of publishing we have learned that Starblaydia will be playing one of Liverpool England and Bedistan, believed to be Bedistan in their Quarter Final, while hosts Eauz knocked out those dirty Lovisan's to earn the chance to face those dirty Druidan's in the other Quarter Final match. Former Champions Bedistan and Eauz will be favored to win their matches, however the Druidan ship has been sailing as if it were guided by the heavens above, and it will be difficult to deny them the title.


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Announcer: And now on KBS1, it's Krytenia-Sarzonia...LIVE!

***Cuts to "KBS Big Match Live" anchorman, Desmond Lineham, in the media box at the stadium. ***

DL: Are you sitting comfortably? Neither am I.

*** Aaaand...cue titles! 30 seconds of Krytenian and World Cup footage reflected in wine galsses, shop windows and coffee-makers. ***

DL: Good evening! The time has come; the day of reckoning is now for the national side, as they take on Sarzonia. Kick-off is just a few minutes away, so without further ado let's go to the commentary team of Chris Lydersen, and first - Gary Terzza! Hello Gary!

GT: Good evening Des, and good evening viewers. The tension in here could be cut by a cricket stump - you can almost chew on it. Both sides have brought their loudest fans, the Sarzonians have been banging their drums and blowing their air horns, while the Takil Army have the chants flowing and the brass band playing. It's all set for a great encounter.

CL: That's right, Gary. You look on the pitch now, there are a lot of players steeling themselves up, trying to get rid of a few nerves - easier for the Stars of course, they've been in the knockouts before - but you can't tell who's really nervous until the first whistle blows.

*** At this point the teams line up for the national anthems, before taking their positions for the start of the game. The ref blows his whistle, and Sarzonia kick off. ***

*** 40 minutes ***

GT: Great run by wilson, he's past Castro! Gets to the byeline, back for Olson...

CL: Oh!

GT: What a save! B arcali at full stretch and keeps hold of it. Quick ball forward, and Sarzonia are completely out of shape!

CL: They got sucked forward, and now Krytenia are three on two. What's Isserson gonna do with it?

GT: Still running...still Isserson...off to Neasden - oh, great turn! Just the keeper to beat...

CL: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

GT: Clinical! Absolutely clinical finish, and Phillip Neasden scores the opener in the dying moments of the first half!

CL: And the Sarzonians have only themselves to blame. Olson's shot was good, but they pressed too far forward, and the Krytenians attacked so quickly, there was only outcome. He never left Sandt a chance.

*** 45 minutes ***

CL: There's the whistle, and the champions have it all to do.

GT: Indeed, so can Krytenia hang on for the victory? We'll find out soon enough, meanwhile it's back to Des in the studio.

DL: Thanks Gary. I'm joined now by former Krytenian striker, Ari Smith.

AS: Evening.

DL: So, Ari, what to you think so far?

AS: Both sides are being cautious, taking few risks, but Krytenia are defending very well. If they can keep this up, they could frustrate Sarzonia into making more mistakes and steal a second. All that's needed is cool heads.

DL: What would you say to the guys in the dressing room?

AS: Keep up the good work at the back, win the ball more in midfield, and just keep going as you are - you're doing very well. If Muney [Alan Munitis, head coach] isn't saying that right now, he needs his head examined.

DL: (chuckles) Bet you'd give anything to be out there tonight, wouldn't you?

AS: I think that's true for about half the population, Des! But hey, I'm in my fifties now, I'd be marked out of the game!

DL: Pleasure speaking to you, Ari. Looking forward to your post match comments.

AS: Thanks, Des.

DL: And now, it's back to Chris and Gary for the second half.

*** 85 minutes ***

GT: Still keeping it strong at the back. Goodley gets it out to Persson.

CL: Yep, it's like a stone wall back there. And they only need to keep it up for a few more minutes...oh, dear.

GT: Sloppy pass by Persson, straight at Bastale, over the shoulder....It's Badger against Lovitz, it's Badger! One-all!

CL: Now things have got interesting!

[OOC: Damn work! more later!]

"I read the Starblaydi prats even said we played Karela. We hate Karela."

OOC: I did? Don't remember that one - as that's not an accusation I level ICly at the Sarzonian national team, but here's an RP to explain what (I think) you might have been referring to.


IC:

Dark and dank, the only two words the Dwarf could use to describe his current circumstances. Sitting on a low stool with his hands bound behind his back, Durin could not remove the blindfold over his eyes. He knew he was in deep shit, that was plain enough, but this time it hadn't even involved alcohol. Well, not to excess, he assumed.

"Durin," a voice said, sounding both friendly and mocking at the same time, "oh, Durin?"

"Who's there?"

"We, my stout little friend," the voice said, "are going to ask you a few questions, would that be alright?"

"I dunno," Durin said after a pause, "depends on the questions."

"Good," the voice seemed pleased, "now, here's an easy one: Are you a football fan, Durin?"

"Yeah."

"A big fan of football?"

"Oh yeah." Durin wondered precisely where this line of questioning was going.

"Ever call in to radio talk shows about football?"

"Yeah," Durin said, his answer a little more enthusiastic, "I call into Johnny Wishbone's show every so often coming back from a Tabeck match."

"Ah!" The voice was very happy. "Brilliant. Now, I'm going to play a tape. What I want to know from this is, is this your voice?"

"First of all, Johnny, I wanna say thanks for having me, and that I totally agree with that Greenie bloke, Sarzonia have no class or imagination on the pitch whatsoever; they're almost as boring as watching Rejistania or Hockey Canada."

"That sounds like me," Durin said, "I think, at least. Never heard me own voice on tape before."

It was obvious, of course, even to Durin. It was the Skyhook system, it had to be. A massive government-run computer system designed to record, catalogue and analyse every piece of information from radio, TV, web, e-mail and phone in the entire country. Massive supercomputers and millions upon millions of Terrabytes of storage information, searchable for anything the government might require. Great Grugni, what had he said?

"Let's play a little more," the voice said, "shall we?"

"So," a second voice said, known to all in the room as Johnny Wishbone, the radio call-in host, "what's your point?"

"That this 'Karela' thing is nonsense." Durin's voice again. "I hate defensive football at the best of times, but I can't begin to imagine what it'll be like at the World Cup itself with all their mystical bolloc-"

"Thanks Durin in Tabeck,"

"Did you get all of that?" The voice didnt wait for an answer. "You don't like Sarzonia's football team, and you don't like Karela. They're both boring, correct?"

"Aye."

"Do Sarzonia play Karela?"

"Don't be stupid," Durin said, "of corse they don't. D'ya see how many goals they score?"

"But you said it was boring," the voice was teasing the information out of him, "please elucidate."

"Well, Karela's boring because nothing happens and no-one wants t'cross the halfway-line," Durin began, "it's all defend-defend-defend and nothing ever bloody happens!"

"But what about Sarzonia's team?"

"Well, they're boring too," Durin explained, "but in a whole different way. They're all hard-workin' and industry and all that shite. Oh sure they're exciting enough when the striker takes a shot and scores, but the rest of the time the 'hole bloody team is just boring. They're like a two-credit slag."

"A what?"

"Slag. Hooker, uh, prositiute. Fer Two credits. They're cheap but they get t'job done."

"Ah," the voice said curtly, "Dwarven colloquial language, how quaint. Thankyou for your time, Durin, you may have both started and ceased an international diplomatic incident."

"I did wha-" Durin failed to finish his question due to a large club over the back of the head.

"Right," the voice said again, "let's get this tape through the proper channels. Oh, we'd better remove that prostitution reference too, they probably won't like that bit."

ST: Hejida again, this is Sirake Tekim on his second hour of "Live from the leagues", in the studio with me is Laxtu Takil and Lyku Ju. I think everyone in entire Rejistania knows the two: The coach of the Rejistanian U21 and our former match commentator Lyku Ju, who is now one of the writers for TV-R. Hejida!

LT&LJ: Hejida!

ST: We can not report live from the match anymore any as you know, no one can unless using either highly advanced or extremely oldfashioned techniques. The va'karela'ny interfere the transmission.

LJ: Indeed, we used carrier pidgeons during the last matches... that was a hassle!

ST: you did?

LJ: Yeah, that was a slani affair... if I'll ever get the person who wrote the notes on the paper... Couldn't spell if his life depended on it!

LT: We better won't discuss orthography here. Here are others, who can not. (his tone is slightly embarrassed)

LJ: But misspelling Myjutes'he as Mahijutes'he....

LT: It's similar for a southerner.

LJ: Ah, the Beautiful South*

ST: What will you use for the match against Turori?

LJ: special cameras and a helicopter!

LT: Hopefully Taderekansa isn't that bad tempered as last time. If a meteor hit the helicopter...

ST: The Rev'jani term would be 'slightly below optimum'.

LT: I know that term, I do. Rejistanians would say mer'slani!

ST: And the English term would be bleeped out on this station!

LJ: Still the same strict rules?

LT: Not everything changes if the government does.

ST: Talking about change of government... The tactics are now much more like they were in the time when you coached the Orange-Blues, Laxtu'he. Are you pleased with the change?

LT: I am very pleased... It's great to see that the style, I propagated finally finds supporters not only in Rejistania but also in other nations like Hockey Canada. People thought I was crazy when I told people about the tactics of an amateur team in a hole called Karela kalesa - and now a team using the very same tactics wins the U21...

ST: And it is not Rejistania...

LT: Quiet, you!

ST: Well, it is not!

LT: Everyone can have a bit of bad luck once in a while, also a nation...

ST: yeah... surely... (he doesn't give much about Takil'he's explanation, but changes topic) What do you think of Turori as next opponent?

LT: They are in utter lack of substitutes, aren't they? But were able to find people jumping in after the substitutes are in hospital. By the way: are they in the 'Spirit of Taderekansa' hospital?

ST: It might be slightly ironic, but I have heard that Matengu'he indeed is there.

LT: Well, he might return even more defensively than he already was. Taderekansa taught him a lesson and the Turori team too. i do not expect a scory match even though sources in the Turori FA indicate that they will start suicidally again.

ST: Suicidally?

LT: (said with disgust) 3-4-3... I expect the Hexatux to use a countertactic as 6-3-1 or something as defensively. But there are facts, which indicate that the Hexatux will not hope for a decision in penalty kicks.

LJ: Like that 'special PK' of Slietah'he?

LT: Indeed.

ST: Want to risk a guess about the score?

LT: 1-0 AET

ST: For?

LT: See, that is what I am unsure about!

*OOC: Bad reference, I know, but I was listening to a band called like this when RPing.