NationStates Jolt Archive

The ASR building is filled with reporters from all parts of the NS world, participating and non-participating nations report about the group draw. Teke Daran seems to be a bit excited but he tried not to show it. "Ladies and gentlemen, the World Cup qualifiers are about to start and that is why we are here today for the group draw." Teke Daran talked in English, but for foreigner, his speech was translated into several other languages, French, Esperanto, Spanish, Welsh, and several other languages. Of course this took some time, but since the translators knew the text of the speech was at least better to understand than Daran'he's English. "This time, the group draw will be done by most modern technology. Welcome the top-programmer of the ASR, who is responsible for it: Siki Rej! Hejida Rej'he!"

Siki came in, murmurred a "'jidax Teke" and went to a curtain, which he opened unceremonally. Behind it was a 1980-style computer from the rejistanian brand Texni. A seven segment display showed a 10, which apparently was the processor speed. Siki Rej typed a few commands and then a list slowly started scrolling over the screen and was displayed on canvas. Siki Rej cursed changed a few parameters and tried again. This time it read:

Group 1:
45.79 Crystilakere
38.27 Starblaydia
22.87 Nova Britannicus
9.62 Oceaice
2.67 Spruitland
0.0 Tramontina
0.0 Reichsdeutschland
0.0 Anarchist Canuckistan

slowly it continued revealing other groups:

Group 2:
45.87 Turori
34.83 EL CID THE HERO
19.10 Wella
11.80 Haperd
3.44 Harlesburg
0.57 Pedriana
0.0 Riegab
0.0 Artoonia

Group 3:
48.30 Vilita
35.89 Svecia
17.28 Gaian Ascendancy
11.40 The Weegies
6.00 Sonaron
1.50 Kericia
0.0 Paul Sculthorpe fans
0.0 Kutch


Siki Rej glared nervously at the list, there was something, he forgot to do... he then decided that he can not think on that low caffeine level. Meanwhile the list scrolled on:

Group 4:
51.51 Bedistan
29.65 Tadjikistan
17.88 Five Civilized Nations
8.66 Finrods
3.00 Oglethorpia
0.0 Villarica
0.0 Tichang
0.0 Bipedal Apes



Siki Rej decided to get some caffeine, it is too early anyways and everyone is focussing the list.


Group 5:
40.51 Audioslavia
34.07 Liverpool England
25.69 Spurland
10.25 Liamist States
6.03 Kingsford
1.48 Euroslavia
0.0 NEWI Cefn Druids
0.0 Invincible BoB

Group 6:
43.11 Squornshelous
32.17 Krytenia
16.39 Fmjphoenix
10.06 Kipto-Mare
2.00 Caprine States
0.29 Buben
0.0 Milchama
0.0 Garinas

Group 7:
38.51 Cockbill Street
33.56 Commerce Heights
19.80 Kylaai
15.98 Nonesuch Street
5.33 Oliverry
0.71 Prolaterian Pandas
0.0 New Savio
0.0 Esrevistan

Group 8:
41.39 Oaker
32.87 Lovisa
21.01 Lethislavania
7.58 Bettia
4.05 Nedalia
1.14 Vtorbetin
0.0 Robotopolis
0.0 Englerica

Group 9:
52.12 Sarzonia
32.85 Druida
24.15 Raptor Claw
10.89 Chicanada
1.67 Hypocria
0.0 Tonissia
0.0 Lucianic
0.0 Kajiztahn


Ha, this tasted good, he thought a while later. With a higher caffeine level, he realizes what he wanted to do.



Group 10:
39.10 Total n Utter Insanity
38.25 One Red Dot
24.46 Jeruselem
12.72 Spaam
5.33 Hockey Canada
0.29 Kassyyk
0.0 Spolotikopia
0.0 Antarcticanada


Siki Rej was on stage when the list ended. Suddenly the thing came, he feared, a wrong opcode was used and the computer crashed. "Veka, we will release the fixtures later then! And not live!"
Teke Daran glared at him but Siki said that he needed an ADVANSID 5, no ADVANSID 4, this was not his problem due to that.

Teke Daran thanks the audience for their attention and wished all teams good and karelan qualifiers, then he leaves in a hurry too. A mentally present ASR technician started music: "Things can only get better!"

A few days later, the schedule was sent by mail, lost there, found later, sent to a wrong location, sent to the right location and eventually it reached the Football associations and newspapers:
MD1: 1 vs 8, 2 vs 7, 3 vs 6, 4 vs 5
MD2: 3 vs 1, 8 vs 2, 7 vs 4, 6 vs 5
MD3: 1 vs 5, 2 vs 4, 3 vs 8, 6 vs 7
MD4: 7 vs 1, 6 vs 2, 5 vs 3, 8 vs 4
MD5: 1 vs 2, 3 vs 7, 4 vs 6, 5 vs 8
MD6: 4 vs 1, 3 vs 2, 7 vs 5, 8 vs 6
MD7: 1 vs 6, 2 vs 5, 3 vs 4, 7 vs 8

MD8-14 are reverse of MD1-7


Scores Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=427524)
Roster Thread (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=427231)

OOC: Yes, I know the draw was re-done after I wrote this, but you can't change what's written down in black, purple and white, now can you? ;)

IC:

Perfect 10 for Starblaydia?
Starblaydia look to win Group in style
The Jhanna Chronicle - 'Early' Edition

Minister for Sport and Double-Posts Rikaard Van Honjiik, Manager Nikola Lazerevski, Simeone Di Bradini, Khim Azanulbizarn and even Rejistanian Tuade Lue were the main faces of the party representing Starblaydia at the draw for the 23rd World Cup Qualifiers, in Sike kali, captial of Rejistiania today, the first step on the long road to Rejistania/Eauz and the World Cup 23 finals.

"I'm very happy that the target is Rejistania and Eauz," said Manager Nikola Lazaervski, "we tried to get to Eauz and Rejistania in World Cups 15 and 16 respectively, but never managed it. Now I think we're in as good a shape as ever to qualify and even win the thing."

But what did the other personalities at the ceremony have to say about Stablaydia's chances of winning the World Cup itself?

"You can't go into a tournament not thinking you've got a chance of succeeding in your aims," said legendary Simeone Di Bradini, "Starblaydia's aim is to qualify in style and then get to the knockouts. As for the World Cup itself? Well if you get to the Second Round of the World Cup Finals, anything's possible. Just look at Sarzonia and Oaker four years ago. Incredible."

"Of course," said Tuade Lue, "I am excited over the World Cup in Rejistania. I want for both Starblaydia and Rejistania to meet in the Final, and there may most - or the least, depending on your preference - Karela'd team win."

In a ceremony hosted by Teke Daran, with technical 'Assistance' from programmer, Rejistani Under-21 Coach and all-round nerd Siki Rej, the 10 Groups for the World Cup Qualifiers were drawn. Starblaydia, as per usual, were kept waiting right 'til the end, when they were drawn in Group 10. Here's the full group run-down, as provided by Siki Rej and his 80s-computer stylings, plus those nice people at the KPB Rankings System.


Nation KPB Prediction
Starblaydia 012 1st
Lovisa 019 2nd
Lethislavania 031 3rd
Kipto-Mare 048 5th
Oliverry 068 4th
Villarica 140 7th
Reichsdeutschland 140 8th
Kajiztahn 140 6th

Starblaydia, of course, look favourites to win the Group, but can they go undefeated throughout Qualifying as they did four years ago? Lovisa will be the team most likely to have a say in Starblaydia's rush for the top-spot, but Lethislavania and perhaps even Starblaydi rivals from a different sport, Oliverry, can deal a blow or two to the hopes of those above them.

As for the three equal-140th teams, all on precisely zero KPB points, they will probably get to fight the bottom three out between themselves, though may even pull off a draw with one of the group leaders early on. That's always the way it seems to go for Starblaydia.

Onward, to Rejistania and Eauz!

The Daily Druid

EDWARDS HAPPY WITH GROUP 9
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on the World Cup 23 qualifying draw

Druida manager Trefor "Elastic" Edwards was pleased with his side's draw for World Cup 23 qualifying, and has told The Daily Druid that his team should make it through into one of the three qualifying places available.

"Looking at the teams in our group, there's no-one I find too intimidating," he told us after witnessing the computer-programmed draw first-hand in the ASR HQ in Sike kali, Rejistania. "Of course, Sarzonia, should run away with the group, but at the same time, we should run away with second. My only disappointment is that we don't get to play Invincible BoB, as we would've in one of the pracitce runs!"

If you aren't too sure what Elastic was on about, here's the group in full.


Group 9

52.12 Sarzonia
32.85 Druida
24.15 Raptor Claw
10.89 Chicanada
1.67 Hypocria
0.00 Tonissia
0.00 Lucianic
0.00 Kajiztahn


So what are the other teams' chances, then? Let's take a look at our rivals.


Sarzonia - The World Cup 22 winners beat Druida twice in qualifying last time round, and we can't see much chance of anything other than a repeat this time. Whether or not they go all the way again is questionable, but you wouldn't want to play them at any stage, never mind one so early on. Sarzonia v Druida throughout history has been similar to Turori v Druida, only we like the Stars more.


Druids v Sarzonia

AOCAF2 (Vilita) NEWI Cefn Druids 2-0 Sarzonia
AOCAF2 (Vilita) NEWI Cefn Druids 1-0 Sarzonia
AOCAF3 (Pedriana) NEWI Cefn Druids 4-1 Sarzonia
TEC4 (TEN) NEWI Cefn Druids 3-0 Sarzonia
AOCAF5 (Legalese) Druida 1-5 Sarzonia
AOCAF5 (Legalese) Druida 0-2 Sarzonia
TEC4 (TEN) NEWI Cefn Druids 1-1 Sarzonia
AOCAF5 (Legalese) NEWI Cefn Druids 2-0 Sarzonia
WC22Q (Home) Druida 0-1 Sarzonia
WC22Q (Away) Sarzonia 2-0 Druida


Raptor Claw - A nation that it feels as if teams from the Druidish Lands have faced on a number of occasions down the years, when our records show just one game between the two, so it should prove interesting when the two sides meet.


Druids v Raptor Claw

JIT (Away) Raptor Claw 2-2 Druida


Chicanada - Home of a pretty strong domestic league, hopefully this should see them do well this time, perhaps even qualifying ahead of the Raptors if all goes to plan.

Hypocria - Another new team with a good domestic structure and a pretty good performance at the recent Baptism of Fire tournament under their belts. However, since Druida at World Cup 18, success for teams in their first proper World Cup has proved a little tougher.

Tonissia - Despite being unranked, Druida played Tonissa in the last AOCAF, beating them by a goal to nil. Not as easy as it seems, then.


Druids v Tonissia

AOCAF8 (Home) Druida 1-0 Tonissia


Lucianic and Kajiztahn - Never heard of them, so, by going on recent qualifying runs, expect at least one of these to beat Druida. Easily.

The Daily Druid's resident experts, Bill Posters and myself, Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po, along with Druida's new manager Trefor "Elastic" Edwards, have made our predictions for how the group will go. Here's what we think...


Liam Gessem-Po Bill Posters Elastic Edwards
1) Druida Sarzonia Sarzonia
2) Sarzonia Druida Druida
3) Raptor Claw Chicanada Chicanada
4) Chicanada Hypocria Raptor Claw
5) Hypocria Raptor Claw Hypocria
6) Tonissia Tonissia Lucianic
7) Kajiztahn Lucianic Tonissia
8) Lucianic Kajiztahn Kajiztahn


Druida start their campaign against Lucianic at The Hole sometime soon.


FAMILIAR NAME IN GROUP 5
By Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po

After witnessing the draw for the World Cup Qualifiers, many Druidans noticed the name NEWI Cefn Druids as team number seven in Group 5. Of course, most Druidans used to live in a country with a name exactly the same as that, and are confused, as they felt it was confined to the dustbin of history.

But apparently not. The team is being run from a very small island somewhere in North-Western Atlantian Oceania, and will be playing against such established nations as Audioslavia, Liverpool England, Spurland, Liamist States and Kingsford, as well as promising newcomers Euroslavia and Elastic Edwards' favourites Invincible BoB. What link they have to the original nation remains to be seen, but as this is the first thing we've heard about them, we doubt there'll be anything to do with them.

Ashley Standard

Kodiaks get another 4th place finish handed to them in Group 8

Yes, we're already projecting the Kodiaks to head for their third Cup Of Harmony after the NSWCXXIII Qualifying Draw was announced. They get the pleasure of Group 8 but will face three top squads and teams expected to make the World Cup in Oaker, Commerce Heights and the Gaian Ascendancy. They Kodiaks have met the Gaians before, although we don't recall where (maybe the last Cup Of Harmony? We should consider hiring some researchers) but the rest of the teams are considered a mystery to the more offensively-slated squad.

This years captain, Ashley's very own head coach Finn Quonzae said he's very happy with the draw and hinks the Kodiaks are deeper than many give them credit for. Of course, considering his time will be split between the NSWC and the Shockers run in the NSFA Cup, he's probably hoping for a nap at some point.

The Ashley Standard projected finish for Group 8:
1 Oaker
2 Gaian Ascendancy
3 Commerce Heights
4 Chicanada
5 Tonissia
6 Kericia
7 Kutch
8 Riegab

The projected finish according to the ChicanadaSun has the Kodiaks sliding in ahead of the more favored Oaker side.

1 Gaian Ascendancy
2 Commerce Heights
3 Chicanada
4 Oaker
5 Tonissia
6 Kericia
7 Kutch
8 Riegab

And finally, the Cana Daily Press places their bets on this years champions:

Champion: Bedistan
Runner-Up: Starblaydia
Final 4s: Tadjikistan, Sarzonia
Final 8s: Rejistania, Total n Utter Insanity, (the other host who I have misplaced), Jeruselem
Final 16s: Cockbill Street, Krytenia, Fmjphoenix, Vilita, Turori, Nonesuch Street, Oaker, Wella
Group Makeup: Later to be called.

Three Spruitlanders made the trip to the Rejistanian capital – if you could call it that – for the draw of the World Cup 23 Qualifiers: an excited Minister of Sports Olav Nett, a nervous SFA President Martin Backer, and a relaxed Spruitland Wabbits coach Cor Bensen.

Backer’s nerves were somewhat tested before Spruitland was finally drawn into Group 7, but he relaxed a bit after that.

“It’s as good a group as any,” he said, “and better than some. Though maybe worse than some others, as well. It would’ve been nice to have a few more of those 0.0 type nations in our group – like 6 or 7 or so – but at least we’re not the lowest ranked team of the lot.”

Group 7:
45.79 Crystilakere
38.25 One Red Dot
15.98 Nonesuch Street
12.72 Spaam
2.67 Spruitland
0.57 Pedriana
0.0 Milchama
0.0 Garinas

“Piece of cake,” was Olav Nett’s obviously more optimistic response. “Those rankings don’t mean diddly. We’ve just won the Baptism of Fire, so we’re obviously one of the favorites of this group. We may not end totally on top, but we shouldn’t be far off.”

After guiding the Minister in the direction of the – notably stingy – cocktail bar, coach Cor Bensen did his best to temper the enthusiasm somewhat.

“Qualifying is not impossible, but let’s face it, not bloody likely. We’d have to steal points from Nonesuch Street and Spaam, and then hope for a bit of luck. We’ll give it our best shot, but this will mainly be a learning experience for us. If we don’t screw up against the lower ranked teams, and then play a respectable Cup of Harmony, I’ll be pleased.”

Canucks pleased with draw

Group 4:
Squornshelous
EL CID THE HERO
Jeruselem
Bettia
Hockey Canada
Tramontina
NEWI Cefn Druids
Artoonia

When you're placed in the bottom half of a group in World Cup Qualifying, there seems to be a slight scare. But with Hockey Canada improving every tournement participating in, the Canucks think they actually might have a shot at qualifying in this year's most prestigeous event. Squornshelous sits at the top and is expected to finish in a close battle for 1st with EL CID THE HERO. Hockey canada's plans are to finish 3rd or 4th giving Jeruselem and Bettia a run for the qualification.

The roster is usual for Hockey Canada, players like Kyle Thomas, Mike Ko and Rahul Kulkarni are not new to the international game. Probably the most famous Hockey Canadian defender would be Yanic Perrault giving Paul Rowntree a close match in the Hockey Canadian Beer League proving that Hockey Canadians can compete. The matchups will be very close and qualifications will be a challenge. Until then Hockey canadians will be hoping for the best.

Hockey Canadian odds:

1- EL CID THE HERO
2- Squornshelous
3- Jeruselem
4- Hockey Canada
5- Bettia
6- Tramontina
7- Artoonia
8- NEWI Cefn Druids

Squornshelous- Most likely to qualify, so Hockey Canada will try hard just to keep up with Squornshelous. Staying within a few goals would be fine, but a draw would result in partying all over Hockey Canada.

EL CID THE HERO- Also very likely to qualify, they'll give Squornshelous a good run for 1st place in the group. Hockey Canada isn't a rookie in the qualifications anymore and will give all they've got against the veterans.

Jeruselem- Only familiar with each other in Under 21 Soccer, Jeruselem will be a tough test for Hockey Canada. Having met only once in U21WC14, some players will know how Jeruselem plays.

Bettia- Closer with anyone else in international soccer, Bettia will be an equal for Hockey canada (only they may be just a little better).

Tramontina, NEWI Cefn Druids, Artoonia- Rookies that are unknown to Hockey canada.

President Smith: "So who are these people claiming to be NEWI Cefn Druids?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, they live on an island some distance off Nova Roma in the far North West of Atlantian Oceania."

President Smith: "Yes, but why have we only heard from them now, a good thirteen years or so since the name was wiped off the map of the region?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, what happened was they used all the money they'd saved to create a space station, and they lived above Atlantian Oceania for twelve years, until crash landing on the said island before setting up their own little community there."

President Smith: "Heh! You're good at winding me up, you!"

Unnamed helper: "No, I'm not... (ahem) OK, sorry, couldn't resist it!"

President Smith: "Well, we've got to find out all we can about them as quickly as possible."

Unnamed helper: "OK sir."


- - - - - - - - - -


Voice: "So does he know yet?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, I have told him, but didn't believe me."

Voice: "Why not?"

Unnamed helper: "He thought that I was joking. I said 'You are a moron', but when I said it I was smiling so he'd think that I was joking."

Voice: "Well, he is a moron. But that's the kind of thing he'd usually believe, isn't it?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, yes. But he's so unpredictable. And the drink doesn't help."

Voice: "We've got to do something."

Unnamed helper: "It's OK. We've got a plan."

Announcement for Trans-border Press

From the Foreign Ministry

Bananaton, RBA - With great happy rejoicing of enthusiasm the Republic of Bipedal Apes today learned the wonderful news that first World Cup of Football qualifying match will take place in esteemed nation of Total 'n' Utter Insanity. Local 1033 Banana Pickers' Union manager Throckspartle, who will coach national side in qualifying matches, was asked to comment on opening match draw.

"Sounds scary," said Throckspartle. "Limited degree of insanity would be okay. But when insanity reaches total 'n' utter level, players become intimidated."

Ms. Throckspartle promised to release roster of players later today.

There was a problem with the draw, it had to be re-done. (I forgot to include one team.) My posts are adjusted, please adjust yours too.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Draw null and void!

An exclusive announcement by Bill Posters from The Daily Druid revealed a painful mistake in the World Cup 23 Qualifying draw. Audioslavia, a nation that had clearly signed up well before the deadline, somehow slipped through the cracks of Siki Rej’s “computer system”.

“I’m not surprised,” Martin Backer smirked upon hearing the news. “That Texni system looked like it couldn’t calculate the sum of a man’s limbs. I offered that Siki dude a Windows install disk, but he would have nothing of it.”

In any case, a new draw has been made, and Spruitland now finds itself in Group 1.

Group 1:
45.79 Crystilakere
38.27 Starblaydia
22.87 Nova Britannicus
9.62 Oceaice
2.67 Spruitland
0.0 Tramontina
0.0 Reichsdeutschland
0.0 Anarchist Canuckistan

“That’s even better!” Minister of Sports Olav Nett cheered. “We’ll surely win this group, no doubt about it!”

“Doesn’t change all that much,” coach Cor Bensen shrugged. “Though I wouldn’t exactly call it an improvement. There’s a clear top three in this group, and it will be very hard to try and sneak inbetween those. But again, we’ll give it our best shot and see where we end up.”

Teh Ohnoes! Squornshelous again???

That was the cries heard out on the street in Vanguard today, as the news hit the streets of the drawing for qualification of World Cup XXIII. It was in all the newspapers and all over the sports networks in Fmjphoenix. Well, here is the list along with what the overall feelings from some of our sports analyists.

Group 6:
43.11 Squornshelous
32.17 Krytenia
16.39 Fmjphoenix
10.06 Kipto-Mare
2.00 Caprine States
0.29 Buben
0.0 Milchama
0.0 Garinas

Squornshelous - The Psychoes are not an easy opponent at all. In World Cup XXI they beat us down in both qualifying matches. Revenge will be on their minds, but it won't be an easy dish to serve them.

Krytenia - Well, we seem to be even with them in the AOCAF, but that is not what this is. They have more expierence than us, but we are fast approcing that status. Will not be easy challenge to try and finish ahead of.

Kipto-Mare - Finally, as side we know we can beat. They are already in the Fmjphoenix history books, as we have our largest victory over them to the tune of 5-0. Perhaps another large victory over them again? It could happen.

Caprine States - Second place squad in the Baptism of Fire, won the Vilita division. New side in the international scene, but we cannot underestimate them. Could be some fun matches to come.

Buben - Another squad from the Baptism of Fire, Vilita Division. They failed to qualify there and will probably do the same here. But you can never count anyone out who has a ranking. Should be an easy win, key being should.

Milchama and Garinas - Never heard of either nation and the geographical department are currently trying to just find out more about them. Theoretically, they should be walk-overs.

Reports coming out from the FAF has been stated that the Turorian coach Gisterfred Q. Disterfred has actually be relegated to Assisstant Coach for this qualification. The FAF has reinstated James Wash as active coach of the Fmjphoenix Vikings. The squad has not been named yet, but the coaches and staff are going over all available players and preparing what is hoping to be their best squad yet. Wash had these words to say:

"It is an honor to return to the Vikings. I always enjoyed coaching the best that Fmjphoenix has, and I look forward to getting back to what I love, football. It is my goal to return Fmjphoenix into the World Cup, so everyone better be ready for us in Rejistania or Eauz, coz here we come!"

"It's like in the bloody Hitchhikers' Guide," Nikola said on the plane back from Rejistania, to no-one in particular. In the first-class section of the plane the men (and Dwarf, though he was male too) from the Starblaydi Delegation to the World Cup Qualifying draw were heading home. As two of them were famous strikers, they obviously didn't fancy hanging around in the Karelaised nation of Rejistania. "The Hitchhiker's bloody Guide come to life," Nikola said again, for those who lost his train of thought during the plane interior description.

"We're not meant to panic, you mean?" Simeone Di Bradini suggested.

"No," Nikola replied.

"The apologising for the inconvienice," pointed out Tuade Lue, "with the big letters?"

"No-" Nikola said, about to explain but cut off by an excited Dwarf.

"The Stunt Ship crashing into the sun with teleporters and stuff," Khim Azanulbizarn said excitedly, "and the teleporter and the Restraunt at the gnab gib thing with the cow that's asking you to eat it? Brilliant! Wheel it out, twenty-four ounce steak, bloody as hell, please. De-horn it an put it on my tray!"

"No!" Nikola yelled. "The bit with the Vogons about not following an order unless its been signed in triplicate, lost, found, fed to some weird animal, buried and dug up and something else."

"What's that got to do with steak?" Asked Khim, obviously disappointed about his food.

"Nothing, Khim," Simeone said, "what did the fax say, Nik?"

"'There was a problem with the draw, it had to be re-done. (I forgot to include one team.)' Signed, Siki Reji," Nikola read off the message, "and they sent us a fax with our new group in it."

Nikola read off the names in the Group, now One instead of Ten.

"45.79 Crystilakere,"

"Sixth in the world," Simeone said, "the bastards."

"38.27 Starblaydia," Nik said, "that's us."

"Really?" Tuade said, with no small amount of sarcasm in his voice.

"22.87," Nik continued, "Nova Britannicus, great."

"Forget the list," Khim said, "I'll read it after my steak. Where's my steak?"

Assuming, of course, that Khim eventually gets his steak, we then go on to read the real Group Draw.

Raw
KPB Nation Rank - Notes
45.79 Crystilakere 6th - Former World Champions
38.27 Starblaydia 12th - AOCAF Champions
22.87 Nova Britannicus 29th - Cup of Harmony Champions
09.62 Oceaice 49th
02.67 Spruitland 83rd - Baptism of Fire Champions
00.00 Tramontina 140th
00.00 Reichsdeutschland 140th
00.00 Anarchist Canuckistan 140th

"See what doing something like a World Cup Draw live does for you?" Khim asked, "It'll bugger the early edition of the Jhanna Chronicle."


1 Perfect Run for Starblaydia?
Starblaydia look to win Group in style

Minister for Sport and Double-Posts Rikaard Van Honjiik, Manager Nikola Lazerevski, Simeone Di Bradini, Khim Azanulbizarn and even Rejistanian Tuade Lue were the main faces of the party representing Starblaydia at the draw for the 23rd World Cup Qualifiers...

Stars prepare for 'challenge of a lifetime'

Now the hard part begins for the Sarzonian national football team. After a dream run through World Cup XXII that resulted in the first-ever World Cup title in Sarzonia's history, the Stars will return to the World Cup stage with targets painted squarely on their backs.

"Hope somebody brought the kevlar," Coach Dave Wilson joked. "We've gotten a glimpse into what we're going to have to deal with as favourites instead of everybody else's darlings in the Ts'kinvali Cup in South Osettia. It's going to be about a thousand times more intense for us here," he said.

The Stars (14-2-1 during last World Cup season) saw the retirement of reserve defender Taylor Williams after the Ts'kinvali Cup and midfielder John Benmont after the Stars defeated Oaker 4-0 in the World Cup XXII finals. Legendary midfielder Bobby Convey also retired, leaving the playmaking chores to midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell. The Stars will bring one of their deepest rosters to World Cup XXIII qualifying.

"That's by design," Wilson said. "We got a little bit tired after that grueling stretch against Starblaydia, Turori, and Bedistan back to back to back. We needed a bit more depth so that we can keep guys a bit more fresh."

Wilson said the draw was "rather favourable," except he noted Druida's position in the group with "more than a little concern.

"They're still smarting over the two matches in World Cup qualifying," Wilson said. "That has the potential to be one of our top rivalries now that Legalese has ceased to exist." Wilson also said Raptor Claw and Chicanada were "causes for concern."

"There are some promising sides in our group," Wilson said. "Let's also not forget Hypocria. They drew us 1-1 to start the Ts'kinvali Cup so we're not going to take them lightly." The only team the Stars know of football newcomers is Tonissia, and Wilson said he expected them to "give us hell."

"There's a sporting history there between our countries even though it's not a footballing history," Wilson said. "That gives us reason to be wary. This tournament's going to be the challenge of a lifetime."

Yet another draw leaves HC with TnUI again

We did it in U21WC13 when we were lowly ranked and advanced past the round robin, so there is nothing saying we can't qualify for the World Cup. The only problem is... well everyone. Group 10: Total n Utter Insanity, One Red Dot, Jeruselem, and Spaam are all higher ranked than Hockey Canada, and have many cups of experience under them.

Group 10:
Total n Utter Insanity
One Red Dot
Jeruselem
Spaam
Hockey Canada
Kassyyk
Spolotikopia
Antarcticanada

As it stands, Hockey Canada looks like it'll only give Spaam and Jeruselem a run for qualifications, while Total n Utter Insanity and One Red Dot are pretty much qualified. Kassyyk is known from their U21WC with Hockey Canada, while Spolotikopia and Arcticanada are complete mysteries to the Hockey Canadians. The best guess that anyone would have so far in the group would have to be that TnUI and One Red Dot have qualified, plain and simple.

Predictions:

Group 10:
1- One Red Dot
2- Total n Utter Insanity
3- Jeruselem
4- Hockey canada
5- Spaam
6- Kassyyk
7- Spolotikopia
8- Antarcticanada

Surprises could happen, and seeing how One Red Dot is doing incredibly well, Hockey Canadian experts think that Jeruselem will advance, but the gutsy play of the Hockey Canadians could surprise to get them to advance in 4th place. We believe that 3rd place would be far too optimistic for any team ranked 67th by KPB rankings, but we're confident we can get a few points and win a few games.

Total n Utter Insanity- Well, they beat us handily in the previous World Cup qualifying, but we didn't complain to lose to the number 1 ranked team then. Now that things are different, Hockey canada will try to pull off a miracle victory over TnUI.

One Red Dot- One Red Dot can be one big factor in the finals, but this is World Cup Qualifying leaving the door open for any nation (well, maybe not ANY nation). Scouting in previous cups tell that ORD will qualify and certainly give TnUI a good run for the top of the group.

Jeruselem- When we advanced past the round robin in U21WC13, Jeruselem eliminated us in the quarter-finals. Now that several players from that team are playing now, they want redemption against those who eliminated them. They'll score early in the game and play defensive the rest, just like us.

Spaam- Practically worshipped in Hockey Canada for the RP system they created, the Canucks will play against Spaam for the first time. Hockey Canada knows of their potential to rise above even the best teams, and seeing how Hockey Canada isn't the best team (yet), we actually may have a shot at beating them.

Kassyyk- Not as big of a threat as some of the other nations, but a threat whatsoever. We know them from U21 soccer and the Cherry Cup, but this is very different from either one of those. Kassyyk will give any team a good run, but they shouldn't expect to go far in one of their first World Cups.

Spolotikopia- The hard name to spell, and they may have a hard time against most teams in the group. Spolotikopia is practically unknown in the nationstates world to Hockey Canada, and unknown to just about everyone in World Cup action. Look for Hockey Canada to fly over this speed bump.

Antarcticanada- Well, well, well... the wannabe Hockey Canada is in our group and looking to win eh? They should know some of the better teams are above or right near the equator, not far south of it! Unknown to pretty much all nations in nationstates, they can pretty much forget about qualifying if no one even knows who they are. It'll be entertaining to see an arctic nation like Hockey canada take on an antarctic nation.

So with the scouting reports handed in, Hockey Canadian officials just need to wait for the opening game against Spaam before anything big can be made. But one thing is for sure- we're hoping just to qualify, maybe get a little farther in the tournement.

Group 9 For Hypocria


Group 9:
Sarzonia
Druida
Raptor Claw
Chicanada
Hypocria
Tonissia
Lucianic
Kajiztahn


Football Association chief Alex Scott watched the World Cup Qualifying draw take place in Rejistania and he was clearly pleased with the result.

“This is our first attempt at qualifying so we are not expected to achieve a great deal. This group gives us a chance to hopefully put some more wins on our international record as well as competing with some top sides. All in all this experience should make us a lot stronger.”


So let’s have a look at the group.


Sarzonia
Number 1 team in the world. Reigning world champions. What more do we need to say? Only that the Titans draw 1 – 1 with the Stars recently in the Ts’kinvali Cup. Easily favorites for the group but they are also the team that everyone will want to beat.


Druida
Way to the north of Hypocria is Druida. The Rainbows are a very good side with a proven track record who should prove to be Sarzonia's closest challengers for the top spot.


Raptor Claw
We know them only from their reputation. They will definitely fancy their chances of piping Druida for that second place.


Chicanada
If their Under-21 side is anything to go by then the Kodiaks are certainly a side that can compete with the best. They face a tough challenge to qualify ahead of three higher ranked sides.


Tonissa
They enjoy their sport over in Tonissa. Hypocrian league champions Hypocrium City were knocked out the NS Champions League by a side from Tonissa so we will certainly take them very seriously despite their rank.


Lucianic and Kajiztahn
Never heard of either of them.



The Titans have a tough start to the campaign, playing their first three matches away from home, which begins with a trip to Chicanada.

-The Spolotikopia Sports News-

Spols Not Expected to Qualify in WC23
New World Cup Entrants, Do they still have a chance?

News has just been anounced today that the best soccer coach in the country, Hubert Davis, has been organizing for months now an "elite" soccer team, and submitted them into World Cup 23 a day before registration ended. Apparently, he has the backing of Julius Mann, from what we've heard. But what caused Davis to do this? "Spolotikopia, our great country, needs to get recognition in the world. We need a peaceful way to make friends, in competitive sport. What with those SuperVegeta portests ending, we need a more peaceful way to rally up nationalism. What better way than our national pasttime, soccer?" Davis reported.

When asked what he knew about the Spolotikopia Spols group, Davis replied saying, "I got no clue 'bout those guys. What do I look like, a World Cup veteran?" Hubert Davis still believes we can win this. "Just because we've never participated before, doesn't mean we have no chance. I mean, some of these guys are pro soccer players from some of the best teams in Spolotikopia. And what is our sport? Soccer!" Davis' advisor, on the other hand, believes that, "We got no chance. Plain and simple." Davis' advisor, was immediately fired.

Spolotikopia is soon going to be playing One Red Dot, which by all accounts that we know of, is a team that plays soccer. Woo!

So can the Spols win? Can they bring national pride? And are we goin to have enough seats in the stadium? We're just going to have to find out. But in the meantime, GOOOOAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia's Ostriches in group four

SOMEWHERE (BT) -- With World Cup 23 hosted by Rejistania and Eauz finally underway, groups have been drawn. In group four Oglethorpia finds itself amongst such footballing powers as Bedistan and Tadjikistan. The Oglethorpia Ostriches are fifth seed, behind the aforementioned nations as well as Five Civilized Nations (for simplicity, one nation) and Finrods.

Oglethorpia is expected to not wholly falter and languish this second time back in the World Cup, but the general concensus is that the national side shall fall just shy of qualifying for the cup proper.

"I'm thinking the Ostriches will make a 4-3-7 record out of this qualifying run," commented manager/coach/head moral supporter Torrence Black.

Similarly, but slightly differently, OAF President Joe Staplin laid down his money on a 4-4-6. "One point more, but giving a tad more credit to the squad this time around."

Both of the predictions seem to account for losses both times around against the top three seeds, as well as draws against equally skilled sides and wins against those unranked. Even with the strides forward taken in World Cup 22, Oglethorpia is expected to record a third-consecutive nonqualification for the World Cup (17, 22, and predicted in 23).

"We're on the rise," commented newly named goalie Hip Replac, "but still a little ways off from being a contender again. Everyone expects us just to kind of fart around not really attempt -- despite the rising faith in the squad, they still think we'll fall short. We're certainly trying, but they're right."

Staplin added to his earlier prediction; "I think that 4-4-6 record should put us 4th in the group after qualifying, maybe 5th -- I believe that's as high and low as the Ostriches will venture in the group after all is said and done. Any higher or lower, and i'll be shocked; at the wonderful preformance or the return to poor football, respectively."

The view that the team is on the rise but still can't quite make the cup proper epitomizes what some are now calling the "Staplin doctrine;" referred to by the man himself as 'baby steps,' in that each cup is a step forward but success is still many away. Even despite the pessimism about the percieved fate of the squad in World Cup 23, Oglethorpian fans back home are still anxious to see the Ostriches back on the pitch.

"Even though the national football program has regressed decades, there's certainly growing interest there," commented striker Mel Memorable.

"They're going to be on top again," remarked one optimistic fan.

Even with the advocated pessimism regarding the Cup, World Cup 23 represents the national side's best chance in years.

The Ostriches first match is against Finrods, with Finrods at home. The rest of Oglethorpia's schedule follows;

MD 2: Oglethorpia @ Villarica
MD 3: Oglethorpia @ Bedistan
MD 4: Oglethorpia vs. Five Civilized Nations
MD 5: Oglethorpia vs. Bipedal Apes
MD 6: Oglethorpia @ Tichang
MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Reversed for the following round of matches.

Announcement for Trans-border Press

From the Foreign Ministry

Bananaton, RBA - With great happy rejoicing of enthusiasm the Republic of Bipedal Apes today learned the wonderful news that first World Cup of Football qualifying match will take place in esteemed nation of Total 'n' Utter Insanity. Local 1033 Banana Pickers' Union manager Throckspartle, who will coach national side in qualifying matches, was asked to comment on opening match draw.

"Sounds scary," said Throckspartle. "Limited degree of insanity would be okay. But when insanity reaches total 'n' utter level, players become intimidated."

Ms. Throckspartle promised to release roster of players later today.

Suddenly Throckspartle experienced shooting pain in forehead, like ice-cream headache delivered via sledgehammer.

"Ogod!" she screamed. "Ogod and bananas!"

After a moment, pain dissipated and shrieking subsided. Still, earsplitting scream could be heard. As her senses returned, it came to her that scream was coming from assistant coach Wagfal, rolling on ground, holding head. With carefully delivered kick, Throckspartle silenced wailing assistant.

"What wrong with you?" she asked pointedly.

"Head hurt! Head hurt!"

"Still?"

"...No. Pain stopped."

Slowly Wagfal got to feet and stood in proper bipedal fashion.

"What happened, Ms. Throckspartle?" asked Wagfal.

Throckspartle thought hard. Then on television monitor Rejistanian footballing official appeared, looking sheepish.

There was a problem with the draw, it had to be re-done. Using Advanced time-travel techniques unknown to less-evolved peoples, we have made adjustments.

Throckspartle and Wagfal stared blankly at each other for a moment.

"So who we play now?" the assistant finally asked.

"Um... Bedistan?"

"How you know that?"

"How indeed?"

Time: 3:53PM
location: ECFA head office

Doomhammer is in his office sorting out the (hate)mail he receives. S. Sam walks in with a official looking piece of paper in his hand.

SS: we have it sir. The groups have been announced.

DH: Good. What ours group like.

SS: First theirs Turori. There the ones ranked above us.

DH: Ok. on the home leg we spike their water supply.

SS: then theirs Wella. We don't quite know what to make of them.

DH: do we still have the bugs installed in their HQ.

SS: yes but the courts said...

DH: activate them.

SS: but the...

DH: ACTIVATE THEM!

SS: Ok. The next lot are Haperd. We should be able to defeat them.

DH: your probably right, but just to be safe maybe we should chain them up.

SS: you can’t chain up a whole football team sir.

DH: we’ll see about that won’t we.

SS: then their Harlesburg and Pedriana, neither that high up in the rankings. And then theirs Riegab and Artoonia, they’re new.

DH: Newboys eh? Did they have to endure the ritual?

SS: The what?

DH: well you see. In the olden days when a new nation or manager entered the world cup the whole team had to endure 4 trails. The trial of manhood, the trial of public spanking, the trial of piercing in private places and the trial of doing the first 3 again, only slower and while singing. That is the ritual.

SS: and you went through with this?

DH: I still can’t get the singing out of my head. Anyway lets get ready for a new world cup. Should be a good one.

thsd:NEWS

Hooked On Phoenix

WELL, it's that time again. The draw has been made for the World Cup Qualifiers, and Krytenia actually start as one of the favourites - to qualify, anyway. Here's the lowdown on the Caleys' group - Group Six.

SQUORNSHELOUS: Remember WC16? Yup, it was Squornshelous that we beat to make it to our first finals, and once again the Pshychoes are group seeds. Expect points to be traded.

FMJPHOENIX: Two words: Golden. Cafetiere. Somehow these two have never met, but us here at thsd:NEWS challenge the Phoenicians to put the Cafetiere up for grabs. [OOC: Like an Ashes-type thing] Surprisingly, the two sides have never met. Could be interesting.

KIPTO-MARE: We should beat them. Mind you, we should have beaten them twice twelve years ago. Result: four points. And we barely scraped three. No more mistakes.

CAPRINE STATES: Impressed during the Baptism Of Fire Cup. Could be a spoiler.

BUBEN, MILCHAMA, GARINAS: Unknown quantities.

Stay with us, and we'll give you the latest on the Caleys bid for WCXXIII.

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Lions worried despite easy-looking group

SIKE, Rejistania -- The official group draw took place for World Cup 23 today at ASR headquarters (the ASR being the Rejistanian equivalent of the BFA). First we'll give you the group itself, then the analysis.

Group 4:

Rank Nation KPB Coeff.
#2 Bedistan 51.51
#23 Tadjikistan 29.65
#34 Five Civilized Nations 17.88
#53 Finrods 8.66
#80 Oglethorpia 3.00
Villarica 0.00
Tichang 0.00
Bipedal Apes 0.00

Bedistan: Ranked second, a top ten nation since World Cup 14 (except for part of WC19 and all of WC20), World Cup 21 champions and World Cup 22 third-place finishers, these guys have been football powerhouses since what seems like the dawn of time, inspiring fear into nearly every opponent they face.

Good that they're us, 'cause I'd hate to play against them.

Tadjikistan: Ah, the cruel gods of fate. Tadjikistan was in our qualifying group last time around as well, somehow managing to take the full six points from the Lions en route to a spectacularly perfect 10-0-0 qualifying run. If there's anyone to watch here, it's the Tadjiks.

Five Civilized Nations: Have somehow managed to work their way up into the mid-thirties with very little fanfare. Best to keep an eye on them, as chances are they got where they are because everyone else kept underestimating them.

Finrods: This nation has been stuck in mid-ranking obscurity for quite some time, and will likely again fail to impress.

Oglethorpia: No, we still haven't gotten used to seeing Oglethorpia as fifth seeds either. Quite a solid side until about a quarter century ago, they never quite found the strength they needed to reach the very top and win a World Cup. After missing four Cups straight, they returned for 22 a much, much weaker team. Today, they're fighting in hopes of one day gaining the respect they had back in the golden years.

Villarica and Tichang: We don't know anything about 'em. Sorry.

Bipedal Apes: Like Villarica and Tichang, they're new to the scene, but showing considerably more promise. Don't expect them to be fighting for a qualifying place, but don't expect them to end up dead last either.


So it looks pretty easy for the Lions, you'd think. Lions manager Mike Davidson is a bit more cautious, though.

"Nothing is ever guaranteed," he says. "Especially with Tadjikistan and Oglethorpia in the group. These are two very spirited sides with a lot to prove, and remember we lost both times to Tadjikistan last time around. As always, we've gotta take it one game at a time."

The Fmjphoenix Sun
If its Cafetiere they want...

Even though these two squads have never meet on the pitch, there is a solid history between these two great footballing nations. Way back in the day of World Cup XIX, the FAF had a reconnasince mission into Rejistania to retrive the Golden Cafetiere, which belonged to Krytenia. It has been proudly on armored display in the Vikings Sports Complex and produced great coffee for the Vikings since they have taken it. Athough there were attempts to take it from Fmjphoenix, none had succeeded. Although the FAF had hoped it was forgotten about by both the nations of Rejistania and Krytenia, it would appear that the Caleys have had there eyes upon regaining the Golden Cafetiere.

Earlier the FAF had learned of a challenge by the Krytenian Football Association to put it up for grabs. This challenge has been accepted by FAF Chairman Leo Trout. He stated that on Matchday 13, when the Caleys venture to Vanguard to play, it will be up for grabs. The winner of the match will have rights to the Golden Cafetiere. Since they have accepted this challenge, the security systems around the Golden Cafetiere have been doubled so that nothing will happen to it until that day, except for the making of coffee before each matchday for the Vikings.

Ashley Standard

Kodiaks get new draw, still set for 4th place from Group 9

New group due to a misdraw gives the Kodiaks a better chance of advancement...but we're not calling for it just yet.

Ashley's very own head coach and the National Squad Coach Finn Quonzae said from Eastentown that he was actually more pleased with this schedule, although Ashley's Luxor Fieldhouse and his hometown's Grand Douala Arena were left off the adjusted schedule.

The Ashley Standard projected finish for Group 9:

1 Sarzonia
2 Raptor Claw
3 Druida
4 Chicanada
5 Tonissia
6 Kajiztahn
7 Hypocria
8 Lucianic

ChicanadaSun still has more faith than us, as they give the Kodiaks a surprising second place finish behind a powerful Sarzonia team.

1 Sarzonia
2 Chicanada
3 Druida
4 Raptor Claw
5 Tonissia
6 Hypocria
7 Kajiztahn
8 Lucianic

The Cana Daily Press released the official schedule today, along with the host sites for the seven home games. The Kodiaks will start and finish at home this session.

MD1: Hypocria (@ Stadia North, Livingston)
MD2: @ Lucianic
MD3: @ Druida
MD4: @ Kajiztahn
MD5: Tonissia (@ Bishop Stadia, Bishop County)
MD6: Sarzonia (@ Southampton National Square, Southampton)
MD7: @ Raptor Claw
MD8: @ Hypocria
MD9: Lucianic (@ Souther Sky Dome, Star Point)
MD10: Druida (@ Easten National Arena, Eastentown)
MD11: Kajiztahn (@ The Governess Palace, Colombo)
MD12: @ Tonissia
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)

The CDP is also projecting the Kodiaks to go 6-1-1 against the lower seeds while going 2-0-4 against the higher ups, calling a 8-1-5 record that is good enough for third place. So maybe it's just us middle of nowhere yokels that aren't so sold.

OOC: Rejis, I don't see Liamist's joint puppet team?

Terminators get old World Cup Finals debut foes
Audioslavia and Kingsford, both in Liverpool England's WC7 finals group, drawn against Terminators

Group 5:
40.51 Audioslavia
34.07 Liverpool England
25.69 Spurland
10.25 Liamist States
6.03 Kingsford
1.48 Euroslavia
0.0 NEWI Cefn Druids
0.0 Invincible BoB

Liverpool England have been drawn in Group Five for the World Cup 23 qualifiers, and will face familiar foes Kingsford and Audioslavia in the group, alongside Liamist States, Spurland and NEWI Cefn Druids to name a few. Here's our preview of the group:

Audioslavia - first seeds, they did relatively well last time out in Liverpool England during WC22. Liverpool England's history against Audioslavia started with the World Cup Seven cohosts defeating Liverpool England in our debut finals 3-1. The second meeting between the two teams, at World Cup 13 some 24 years later, ended 1-1. The next time these two teams met would be nearly three decades later, at World Cup 20 where a bad performace from the Terminators saw them finish last in a grop that included Bedistan. Audioslavia reproduced their WC7 3-1 win. The two teams will meet for the first time in qualifying in 12 years, and expect fireworks. Prediction: Group Winners

Liverpool England - second seeds, who haven't reached the last four of a World Cup in 22 years, since World Cup 17. Going further back, the previous last four appearance was in World Cup 9 in a 2-1 loss to Europa Brittania. The Terminators will want to try to reach the last four for the first time since World Cup 17 this time out. Prediction: Group Runners-up

Spurland - A relatively quiet media outfit, Liverpool England might have played once or twice before, however not sufficiently enough for a report. Prediction: Non-qualifier

Liamist States - One of the newer World Cup nations, the Terminators will be facing them for the first time, and must not rest on their laurels against a team who could pose a threat. Prediction: With luck, third place qualification.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

OOC: I believe my puppet squad was left out of the draw...Is there a reason for this I am not aware of? Although if it requires a second redraw, dont worry. I just want first signup rights for WC24.

Today’s headlines…

Dual Liamist Frustration
Fourth Best In Group AGAIN
Liamopolis-Liamton Not Even In Draw
Claims Of Host Corruption
Liam & Co Media

Calls For Hosts To Be Nuked
LFA's Reactionists Policy Taken Too Seriously..AGAIN
Liamist States Times

Liamopolis-Liamton Anger
"We Were Left Out Of The Draw On Purpose"
Liamopolis Observer

Bell Made Captain
Rainford Infuriated, Claims He Deserved It
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Marmadukes: Third Time Unlucky
"We'll Never Beat Those Three"
Soccer Monthly

Marmadukes Face Off Against Old Foe
Spurland & Marmadukes Have History
One Win Each
CDL Courier

MarmaStats
**Overall
P W D L F A GD
33 16 8 9 56 35 21

**Trophies
Baptism of Fire 8

**Scorers
Player Scor Games Pos
H Bell 19 33 F
A Iziary 15 33 F
C Dressel 14 33 F
R Manoni 5 33 M
T Champion 2 33 M
J Eaks 1 33 M

**Keepers
Player Conc Games
M Rainford Jr 35 33

RESULTS
**Baptism of Fire 8
*Qualifying (Group 4)
W (3-0) Danieljoh - South Osettia
W (2-1) Gaian Ascendancy - South Osettia
W (5-0) Nifty nick - South Osettia
W (3-0) Krakatou - South Osettia
*Finals (South Osettia)
W (3-1) Anarquistan - South Osettia
W (2-2) Naglegrad - South Osettia
W (3-0) Chicanada - Vilita

**World Cup 21
*Qualifying (Group 10)
L (1-4) Vilita 2 Vilita
L (2-3) Oaker 43 Oaker
L (1-3) Lovisa 13 Centrale, Adali
W (2-1) Gaian Ascendancy 92 CBD, Fairbank
D (2-2) Evalness - Old Centrale, Trenport
L (0-1) Vilita 2 Capital, City de Liam
L (0-2) Oaker 43 Iron Works, Gradburg
W (2-1) Lovisa 13 Lovisa
D (1-1) Gaian Ascendancy 92 Gaian Ascendancy
W (3-0) Evalness - Evalness

**Cup of Harmony 13
*Qualifying (Group Blue)
L (0-2) Giant Zucchini 43 Rejistania
D (1-1) Jeruselem 26 Rejistania
W (3-1) Oliverry 88 Rejistania

**World Cup 22
*Qualifying (Group 4)
W (2-0) Nonesuch Street 36 Nonesuch Street
L (3-4) Spurland 35 CBD, Fairbank
L (1-2) The Lowland Clans17 The Lowland Clans
W (2-0) Nedalia 94 Nedalia
W (3-0) Abysmalistan - Old Centrale, Trenport
L (0-1) Nonesuch Street 36 Centrale, Adali
W (2-0) Spurland 35 Spurland
D (0-0) The Lowland Clans17 Capital, City de Liam
D (0-0) Nedalia 94 Mayfair, GLS
W (2-0) Abysmalistan - Abysmalistan

**Cup of Harmony 14
*Qualifying (Group 1)
D (0-0) Nova Britannicus 25
D (0-0) Kylaai 28
D (2-2) Bettia 57

**World Cup 22
*Qualifying (Group 5)
- (-) Kingsford 61 Mayfair, GLS
- (-) NEWI Cefn Druids - NEWI Cefn Druids
- (-) Liverpool England 16 Liverpool England
- (-) Invincible BoB - Invincible BoB
- (-) Euroslavia 98 Iron Works, Gradburg
- (-) Audioslavia 9 Capital, City de Liam
- (-) Spurland 25 Spurland
- (-) Kingsford 61 Kingsford
- (-) NEWI Cefn Druids - Centrale, Adali
- (-) Liverpool England 16 Centrale, City de Liam
- (-) Invincible BoB - Old Centrale, Trenport
- (-) Euroslavia 98 Euroslavia
- (-) Audioslavia 9 Audioslavia
- (-) Spurland 25 CBD, Fairbank

OOC: I believe my puppet squad was left out of the draw...Is there a reason for this I am not aware of? Although if it requires a second redraw, dont worry. I just want first signup rights for WC24.

ooc: There is a reason, you are not aware of. I forgot a real team and since puppets are worth less than real teams, I removed them.

Bettia Enlightener: 22nd June 2005 - arora breeding supplement inside.

Bettia Square Up To Neighbours

The draw for the World Cup qualifying groups was made, then re-made yesterday, and we here in Bettia say thank you very much to the organisers, for one opponent in particular stands out - our neighbours Nedalia. And just to add some spice to the occasion, it is the Lions who Bettia face at the Stadiwm Bettia in the opening round of matches.

The runners and riders in Group 8 are:

Oaker (ranked 8th in the world)
The highest ranked team in the group, Oaker reached the World Cup 22 final only to lose 4-0 to Sarzonia. Bettia will be hard pushed to gain anything from them, although anything can happen.
Predicted points haul: 0 from a possible 6

Lovisa (rank 19)
Another tough cookie, Lovisa lost in the 2nd Round to Turori and will be hoping to go a bit better this time. Again, it will be tough for our boys, although they do have a habit of punching above their weight.
Predicted points haul: 1 point

Lethislavania (rank 31)
Failed to get past tough qualifying round and will be hard pushed to do so again. Face a daunting trip to Sukatra's Al-Fath Stadium on the final matchday, a match that Bettia will be hoping to get a positive result from.
Predicted points haul: 3

Bettia (rank 55)
Finished an impressive third in their qualifying group, ended up five points from qualification and took points from every team. Bettia were undone by a mid-campaign slump and will be hoping to be more consistant.
Predicted points haul: Err, we can't take points from ourselves...

Nedalia (rank 75)
Bettia's next-door neighbours will be out looking for revenge for their quarter-final defeat in the pre-WC22 Baptism of Fire Cup. Nedalia boast a number of impressive players and an excellent youth setup which saw them come away with the Under-21 World Cup. However, will they be enough to match the Aroras?
Predicted points haul: 4

Vtorbetin (rank 105)
A newcomer to the world football scene, Vtorbetin finished fourth in the Baptism of Fire and look to be a future force on the NS scene. Their colossus of a goalkeeper Von Bietsch plays his club football here in Bettia for Gabalfa City, but will probably be unable to handle the Aroras.
Predicted points haul: 6

Robotopolis (rank 140)
Famed for their ice-hockey exploits and sure to be welcomed into the footballing world, these late entrants look set to struggle against some quality opposition in this group. However, if they stick to their guns, maybe, just maybe, their soccer team could be as well-known as their hockey squad.
Predicted points haul: 6

Englerica (rank 140)
Another newcomer, their lack of BofF experience will be telling and they will struggle badly.
Predicted points haul: 6

So that gives us a predicted points total of 26. Will the Aroras live up to expectations? Will it be enough? We will soon find out...

Qualification Schedule

MD1:...Bettia vs Nedalia (Stadiwm Bettia, Gabalfa)
MD2:...Robotopolis vs Bettia
MD3:...Lovisa vs Bettia
MD4:...Englerica vs Bettia
MD5:...Bettia vs Vtorbetin (Thamitra Gate Stadium, Tamrida)
MD6:...Bettia vs Oaker (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD7:...Lethislavania vs Bettia
MD8:...Nedalia vs Bettia
MD9:...Bettia vs Robotopolis (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10:..Bettia vs Lovisa (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD11:..Bettia vs Englerica (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD12:..Vtorbetin vs Bettia
MD13:..Oaker vs Bettia
MD14:..Bettia vs Lethislavania (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)

Unnamed helper is on the phone to someone or other...

Voice: "So, what's the plan?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, you play Liverpool England first up, don't you?"

Voice: "Our 'football team' do, yes. Away."

Unnamed helper: "Well, LE have been known for their straight talking down the years. I mean, whether they're right or wrong, they're good at making their voices heard, yes?"

Voice: "Yes..."

Unnamed helper: "Well, what you need is to get someone from LE to help your cause."

Voice: "A footballer?"

Unnamed helper: "Anyone! Though not someone too high profile, otherwise we'll just look suspicious."

Voice: "OK. So then what do we do with them?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, we get them to just get our point across to everone in Druida. It shouldn't be too difficult."

Voice: "You are forgetting one thing. Why would anyone ever listen to someone from Liverpool England, never mind a rabble of drunks?"

Unnamed helper: "Good point. Back to the drawing board, I guess..."

Unnamed helper is on the phone again...

Voice: "You have an intelligence service, don't you?"

Unnamed helper: "Had one. He got arrested in Bedistan for kidnapping a couple of young boys."

Voice: "Well, can't you bust him out of there or something?"

Unnamed helper: "I suppose we could, but he's already let us down twice. I'm pretty sure he'd do it again."

Voice: "Why's that?"

Unnamed helper: "He's Nova Brittanican."

Voice: "Oh. Still, you never know. It could be worth a shot."

Unnamed helper: "OK. I'll fly over to Bedistan as quick as I can, I'll go and talk over our escape plan with him."

- - - - - - - - - -

Later that day, in a prison somewhere in Bedistan (we can't say where for security reasons)...

Unnamed helper: "I'm here to see one of your inmates. Goes by the name of Dave."

Prison officer: "Dave? Well, does he have a surname?"

Unnamed helper: "Not one that I know of."

Prison officer: "He doesn't speak with that odd accent, does he?"

Unnamed helper: "He's from Nova Brittanicus, if that's what you mean?"

Prison officer: "That's him. Well, he was here, but now he's not."

Unnamed helper: "So where is he?"

Prison officer: "Don't know."

Unnamed helper: "Oh."

- - - - - - - - - -

Back in the office in Cefn that evening...

Unnamed helper "...and they said they had no idea where he was."

Voice: "Oh."

Unnamed helper: "That was exactly my reaction!"

Voice: "Well we'll just have to draw up a plan C. I've got an idea that might just work..."

Vladimir Tikhonov was in his office speaking with his assistant about the upsoming game against Spaam.

T: Do you have it?

A: Have what?

T: You know, the 'roids.

A: No, I put them in the team's water supply as you told me.

T: Good, have you put the water-flavoured beer in the other team's water supply?

A: Yup, Spaam won't know what hit 'em.

T: Well the 'roids otta give us a boost and the beer should slow 'em down. The Visitors won't expect a thing.

A: Ummmm, I put the 'roids int he visitors' water supply.

T: YOU WHAT?

A: And the beer in the home supply.

T: YOU DID WHAT?????? WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM???

A: Well, you could put more than a H and a V on the water tanks.

T: They are one letter symbols you idiot.

A: That hurt my feelings.

T: When you do things that can slow down our team and stack up the other team, it reached idiot status.

A: Did you see it?

T: See what?

A: You know... on TV... the show.

T: You mean "Who wants to marry a chimp millionaire?"

A: No, but she did look good in that dress before the chimp stuffed bananas down her dress.

T: Yeah, it was a good one.

A: Did you watch "Fox Sports World"?

T: Fox? No way. My wife taped it over for me.

A: I didn't know you had a wife.

T: I didn't know you were so imcompetant; so we're even.

A: Anyways, on the show... no one in our group released any reports about our group or any teams within our group.

T: So your point is?

A: My point is- no one knows the other teams exist, so we can just kick at an empty net all game.

T: But what about the other team?

A: No rosters, only Spolotikopia made a breif statement. But no report.

T: You know what that means?

A: Yup!

Both: MONEY FIGHT!!!

They both throw cash at each other before the assistant dies of multiple cash wounds.

T: Good, have you put the water-flavoured beer in the other team's water supply?


Unnamed helper: "So what's plan C?"

Voice: "Have you ever heard of water-flavoured beer?"

Unnamed helper: "That would just be a silly thing to have."

Voice: "No, it's real! It's a Hockey Canadian creation."

Unnamed helper: "Oh yes?"

Voice: "What you need to do is get a supply of it, and give it to various public houses around Druida. Then ween them off it, slowly but surely replacing it with actual water before, hey presto, everyone's sober again!"

Unnamed helper: "You know, as mad as it seems, that might just work..."

Harlesburg _____
Harlesburg_____

Harlesburg have finally arrived at the World Cup but with drastic changes not one of the players has ever palyed for Harlesburg in an International World Cup Match.

Coach_______ said this
"We most certainly are missing a lot of players from previous cups some would say this is a good thing other would say it is a negative my way of looking at it is this he only way we can get depth in Harlesburg Footballs ranks is to blood more players in tough matches and to share the experience we gain fro m each game with all the teams."

It is true to say that experience is an important thing in any team it allows teams to learn of what is happening in the rest of the world.

Harlesburg's performance has been scratchy to say the least at previous World Cups there wins could easily be counted on one hand from their 3? attempts and with all these new players they havent made their job any easier.

Some people have questioned they abscence of so many experienced Internationals from the team and the word on the street as well as various Football circles is that the Football Association quite honestly lost their phone numbers and details.

Some could question this as pure fantasy but the sad reality is the state of Harlesburg football is on a slippery slop at an administrative level with no many actually feeding down to the grass roots of the game.

The Harlesburg ______ are in a fairly competitive pool with some familiar faces some new nations and some of equal standing in the world of football perhaps a few wins in this Tournament will allieveate some of the problems Harlesburg faces.

Just three sources of light were entering the room. From outside, the street lamps streamed their orange glow into the room, but that was quickly blocked by the blinds once the man brought them down. His desk lamp was on, illuminating the desk sharply against the rest of the small office. The rest was provided by the hallway outside, harsh white light breaking through the frosted glass. If you could read the letters painted on the other side of the door you would know who the man inside was.

Just four letters: D, A, V and E. Those in the Intelligence Community would know him, former head of the Druidan Intelligence Service as he was. Those who read the celebrity gossip papers may even have recognised him, falling drunkenly out of a nightclub with an equally-inebriated Jemima Jaffacake attached to his arm.

One of the items illuminated by the desk lamp, other than Dave himself, was the bottle of whiskey. Half-emptied over the past thirty minutes, Dave refilled his glass and took another swig. Getting out of that Bedistani prison had been an... odd series of events.

He sipped his drink again and the door opened. He should have noticed the shadow of a person in the doorway, but didn't. But then again that's whiskey on an empty stomach for you. More figures followed the first, until the visitor side of his desk was quite cramped. Old men in suits, they mostly appeared to be. Well, that was the Nova Britannicus Football Association for you.

"Welcome back, Dave," one said, who will now be referred to as 'One' due to the lack of any obvious name springing to Dave's mind at this point, "have a nice time?"

"No," Dave replied, not looking up from his glass, "it was shit."

"Come now," One said again, "there's no need for that sort of language."

"There certainly bloody is," Dave said, looking up for the first time, "when you break out of a Bedistani prison and travel across half of Calania to get back for a drink, then you come and talk to me."

"How did you manage to break out?" One enquired. "I bet it was exciting."

"I'll tell you later." Dave stated flatly.

One looked at his companions, their features vaguely hidden by the backlighting from the hallway. The small talk, such as it was, was now over. To business, then. Two, following our established naming convention, threw a neatly-bound white folder onto the desk.

Warning!

Druidan Intelligence Service

Super-Top Secret Report

Eyes Only

(That means you, Dave)


"Where'd you get that?" Dave asked, trying to remain as calm as possible, "I keep stuff like that in my cabinet, which is padlocked. And the key," he checked his pockets quickly, "is always kept in-"

"In the padlock." One said. "So you don't forget where you left it."

"Oh right," Dave admitted, looking to his left to see the Cabinet, Padlock and Key all connected up right where he always left them, "so what do you want?"

"This report," Two said, obviously being the one who understood the sciene part most, "could be the key to the Bluebirds winning the World Cup."

"Hold on, hold on," Dave got his words in edgeways before Two explained himself, "World Cup Nineteen, you and that crazy mental-institution wannabe Yandaki steal some Rejistanian Voodoo Doll to get a better defence, Which works right up until the Bluebirds lose on penalties in the Second Round to Audioslavia." Dave is obviously a football fan, in case you can't guess. "Then World Cup 20, you get that Charlie fella to steal Callum Banda's boots for some other mystic purpose, which is great against Vilita on the final Qualifying matchday as we beat them, but utter shit in the World Cup itself?"

"Now, Dave-" But Dave cut Three off. At least we think its Three, maybe Four got ahead of himself.

"Now nothing," Dave interrupted agin, "World Cup Twenty-One you sit on your arses doing nothing and we qualify almost unbeaten for the Cup. I remember that one distinctly as I was sitting on my own arse with a DruidSport microphone in my hand. World Cup 22, you're still doing nothing, and we win the Cup of Harmony that year." He was on a bit of a roll, here. "So, my point is. My, uh, point is..."

And it was all going so well. I shouldn't have mentioned the roll.

"The point is, Dave," One said, taking control and putting Three and Four in their place, "Nova Britannicus haven't won the World Cup yet, and we will utilise every means we can to make sure that happens as soon as possible. Now study that report, and we'll contact you tomorrow."

With that, the men filed out of his office and left Dave alone with a quarter-bottle of Whiskey and a report from the DIS. He opened it.

The nation of Spruitland, it began.

"The nation of Spruitland." Dave groaned. He was sure this wouldn't be much any better than a Bedistani jail.

Press release for Trans-border consumption

Bananaton, RBA - The Republic of Bipedal Apes Foreign Ministry is joyously pleased today to announce official nickname of national side in esteemed World Cup of Football qualification matches: henceforth, team shall be known as Two-Footers. Name was selected by clever committee of intellectual university researchers and emeritus faculty and represents most highly-evolved form of upright bipedal walking employed by all players and supporters of team. As can be inferred from eponymous nickname, Bipedaleen players walk only on back feet, including all running and kicking activity, and reserve front feet for grasping, carrying, and manipulating tools, unlike front-foot-usage of semi-evolved chimps and others.

Ms. Throckspartle on being informed of nickname was reportedly delirious with joy, although somewhat subdued as result of recent time-dilation head ouchie.

Thank you and good day.

Jeruselem Government News

It's Group 10 for our World Cup Crusaders

It's World Cup XXXIII, and Jeruselem will be trying to get into the group stage again like last time. Some familar faces will accompany Jeruselem in the qualifying stages - we know most of them well.

Total n Utter Insanity
Perenial WC participants and known for their, well, insanity. The team to judge others by as normal.

One Red Dot
Perenial WC participants. Tough team to beat and another favourite.

Jeruselem
Us - never won a group game but we are trying.

Spaam
We love our Spaam, a team once admired. Fallen into tough times, but still very dangerous.

Hockey Canada
Our local friendly Hockey mad friends who now play soccer too.

Kassyyk
No idea - newcomer

Spolotikopia
No idea - newcomer

Antarcticanada
No idea - newcomer. Name hard to spell.

Group 10:
39.10 Total n Utter Insanity
38.25 One Red Dot
24.46 Jeruselem
12.72 Spaam
5.33 Hockey Canada
0.29 Kassyyk
0.0 Spolotikopia
0.0 Antarcticanada

Qualification Match Venues Announced


When it was announced, some four years age, that Hypocria would enter the national team into World Cup 23 a number of football related projects were put into motion in an effort to prepare the nation for its entry onto the international stage. The largest, and easily the most expensive, of these projects was the construction of the national stadium in the capital, Hypocrium.

After three years, and countless millions of draxals, the 80,000 capacity Titan Dome has been completed and is ready to be the home of Hypocria’s national team, the Titans.

That was the idea anyway. Now the Hypocrian FA, who specialize in making decisions and then changing their minds, have announced a slight change to the schedule. Instead of playing all the matches in Hypocrium the FA have confirmed that the cities of Pylos and Drissa will each host one match.

This has greatly annoyed officials in the eastern city of Thraxus who feel that they, as the nation’s second largest city, should host one of the qualifiers. FA chief Alex Scott didn’t seem as keen, “have you ever been to Thraxus? It’s horrible.”


The Stadia

The Titan Dome
Located in the capital Hypocrium, and with a capacity of 80,000, the national stadium is the largest in the country and one of the finest structures ever built in Hypocria. The Titan Dome will host five of the seven World Cup Qualifiers including the match against World Champions Sarzonia.

The Oceanside Stadium
Located on the south coast, the Oceanside Stadium has a capacity of 50,000. It is the home of the Pylos Reavers, one of Hypocria’s biggest clubs and will host the match against Lucianic.

The Drissa Sports Arena
The Drissa Sports Arena is home to Hyper League sides Partizan Drissa and Drissa United. It has a capacity of 48,000 and will host Kajiztahn on matchday 5.


The Schedule (Group 9)

MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)

Oh well, could have been worse

Semjon Surdeyev, coach of the Tadjikistan Tigers returned with a smile from the draw of group 4. It wasnt perfect but it seemed to him the Tigers could qualify easily: 'The team to beat is Bedistan in this group, yes we beat them twice in the qualifications for WC22 but I dont think we'll walk over them again. And if we do then we'd really send them home with their pants down, it would mean they learned nothing from the last World Cup. The only other team that really worries me is Finrods, which i remember from the U21 cup several years ago. I was one of those young Tadjiks who got beat by them. We'll now we can take revenge for that. I dont know the other teams that well, I cant remember we ever played against Five Civilized Nations or Oglethorpia. The last one was once a 'superpower' in the World Cups but now hangs on somewhere down 'there'. Maybe they'll surprise us and get close to qualification, the Druida rainbows did it, so i dont see why it couldnt happen again.'
Surdeyev is offcourse being cautious with his remarks, knowing well that thing could go wrong. He might be bolder in his statements after the first half of the qualifications. And if he isnt, we'll just ask a Premier league coach to give us an opinion. They have nothing to lose anyway.
Surdeyevs (cautious) prediction for the top three?
1-Bedistan
2-Tadjikistan
3-Finrods

Tadjikistans fixtures
MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

From the newspaper Kepekli Söz:


World Cup Draws Announced


Soon after Spruitland defeated the national squad 2-0 in the Baptism of Fire Finals, the entire Confederacy shut down. Said Prime Minister Edgar Edgarson, "We just all immediately went into mourning. Personally I'm not sure how it managed to strike every single citizen in the Confederacy with the exception of very few, but it did. If you ask some people though, it was because our drinking water was poisoned by one of the rival nations in our region--most likely one of the psychotic ones since other countries seemed to suffer from the same sudden depression."

Thankfully the people of Caprine States are better now, as are the football players--though it was too late for some of them. In the most lop-sided of Caprine States showdowns in the NSFA Cup, the floundering Rearward FC was defeated 8-1 on aggregate in the qualifying round while Denizspor fell to the away goals rule. Enerji JK escaped the plague of doom, led by stalwart striker Aloysius Tompkinson, and squeaked by 4-3 on aggregate after a clutch away victory.

But, despite the success of Enerji JK, the downfall of the two traditional favorite teams in the NSFA Cup has spurred Caprine football fans across the nation to demand a strong World Cup showing. This naturally implies that the Confederacy must qualify, but this will not be an easy feat, as we have been put into a group draw that ranks us fifth out of eight. However, despite the challenge presented and the inexplicable depression that struck the country, spirits are high. Said Maviyol resident Deniz Karasabun, "I don't see why we should be worried here. We goats have been underdogging it from the beginning. Nothing new there, eh?"

Indeed, after the second place finish in the Baptism of Fire, most citizens seem confident that these qualifications will be only a formality. Richard Schnaughaus of Lokumcular University advises caution, however, "The competition that we faced in the Baptism of Fire was fierce, but it only gave us a taste of what is to come. We're going to be facing some extremely talented teams that we have to play well against just to qualify. It's not going to be the cakewalk that some assume it will be."

Matchday 1 scores are up (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=9115908#post9115908) (RPs after this posting do not count for MD1)

MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus
MD 5: SPRUITLAND – Anarchist Canuckistan
MD 6: Reichsdeutschland – SPRUITLAND
MD 7: Starblaydia – SPRUITLAND

MD 8-14: turn page around and hold up to light


“Hold up to light? Bloody lazy SFA.”

Simon Briers and Dirk Jools, Spruitland’s star goalkeeper and star striker, were looking at the fixtures list pinned on the wall of the Wabbits’ training facilities.

“Friggin’ Starblaydia again,” Jools muttered. “Every damn tournament we run into them.”

“Not the BoF,” Briers smiled, but Jools ignored him.

“And who the hell is Oceaice?”

“Not sure, bunch of pirates, I believe. They’ve been around for a while, don’t think they ever got very far though.”

“Good, should be an easy win, then.”

“Well, I wouldn’t be so-“

“In fact, should be 2 easy wins to start, then maybe a draw, then 4 more easy wins.”

“Your… over-confidence is getting a bit tiresome, Jools.”

“Just call me an arrogant bastard, you pussy.”

One Red Dot National Stadium

Lou Fayrison, the Spolos captain, sat in the locker room by himself, thinking about the coming game. His teammates readied themselves all around him. The mood was that of excitement and confidence. His friends over the past year all finished showering up and outting on their uniforms. But Fayrison was blind to them. He had been ready an hour earlier, and had isolated himslef he could do his pre-game meditation. He felt as if something was amiss. he had warned them all not to get cocky, and here theyw ere, acting like it was just another game in the Spolotikopia National Soccer League. But Fayrison had read the scouting reports, the international newspapers. Before the game had started, he already knew who the winner was. He just hoped his teammates would learn from this match how hard it would actually be. They had a small chance to win. Finally, the time for the match came. Lou fayrison walked out onto the field, to a crowd of booing fans along with his teammates. It was time to play for Spolotikopia...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sports Gazette
Spolos lose to One Red Dot in Matchday 1 of World Cup 23
One Red Dot 1, Spolos 0

One Red Dot National Stadium, One Red Dot
By Mike Gregory

The Spolos have gotten off to a bad start this World Cup, losing 1-0 to One Red Dot earlier this afternoon in the first qualifying match. Luckily, they're not out yet, and could still qualify for the finals. We'll only know on Matchday 15.

"I can't believe they lost! What kind of playing is this? Is this a soccer team, or did I hire a bunch of ballet dancers?!!" says Head Coach Hubert Davis. "If they expect to even make it past the qualifying rounds, they better shape up! And what kind of playing is this? Zero goals?! Here I've been teaching them to play aggresively, and they lose in a one goal game! Disgusting!" he yelled after the match as his face turned bright purple.

The Spolos played a very sad game against ORD to be honest. They barely put up a fight, and they're supposed to be the best players in all of Spolotikopia. Apparently best is a relative term.

The match started off horribly, when the cocky Spolos, overly-confident, let their guard down. The ball was on ORD's side for about 20 seconds, until Lou Fayrison tokk a shot, which was blodked by ORD's goalkeeper, and was then moved into Spolo territory. After taking multiple shots on the Spolotikopian goakeeper throughout the first half, One Red Dot finally put it in with five minutes left of the half. The second half was really pathetic, with the Spolo just barely deflecting goal attempts, until the game finally ended pitifully. The Spolos had only four shots on goal, none of which made it in, as opposed to One RedDot, who on multiple times cam close to scoring again.

"I'm really ashamed by this. We had no idea what the Cup would be like. We were unprepared. But now we know, and we'll be ready when we face Spaam tomorrow." said Team Captain Lou Fayrison. Even as I type this article, the team is busy reviewing tapes of Spaamian strategy, trying to get any kind of an edge.

Here are the games for Matchday Two:

(shows a list of the games)

Let's hope the Spolos can pull through after getting off to this rocky start. Spolos for WC23 Champions!

"...and into the tunnel goes Nikola Lazerevski, after his first full game in charge of Starblaydia. A winning one, no less, Three-Nil over Reichsdeutschland. Back to you in the studio, Trey."

Back in the SCB:Sports studio, no less, sits Trey Pickworth, smiling at the camera. The tastefully-designed yet unashamedly-patriotic background sits unmoving behind him.

"Well guys," he says, half-looking at the camera, "that's pretty much what we expected. Starblaydia won and didn't conceed a goal. They played the kids from the start, and only made substitutions once the kids had proed themselves at a Two-Nil scoreline, then when the older men were brought on, they finished it off for Three-Nil."

"Um," the experts in the studio collectively said, "correct."


Jaehaerys turned the sound on his TV all the way down. The last thing he needed right now was inane commentary on a routine victory from washed-up exo-pros. He scribbled down the youthful team line-up on a piece of paper.


12
Prokopsis

20 5
13 Hernandez Gre 14
Graydon Vidal

15
7 Cuevo 11
Santiago Buathiang
8
Matranga

10 17
Mitrofanis Zaragoza

"Zaragoza and mini-Matranga scoring on their Qualifying debuts, not too shabby," he said, "little Beardy Golden Boots scoring too from off the bench wasn't bad either."

With his stunning contribution to the world of Sports Analysis, Jaehaerys stretched and wandered to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and a sandwich. From his kitchen window was a consumately-beautiful view of the bay, which was one of the reasons why this plot of land had cost so much. Nice of his benefactor to have paid for it though, money was always no expense for him.

Speak of the Devil, and he shall appear, goes the saying. So it was, that Jaehaerys' newly paid for mobile phone rang. He wasn't even aware that a cell existed near this spot of incredible nautral beauty. Within four rings he picked it up and punched the little green button.

"Fyreskar." He stated his surname flatly, already knowing who'd be on the other end.

<Ah, Captain Jaehaerys Fyreskar,> the voice said, <I have a task for you, Jay my lad.>

"Go ahead," Jaehaerys said, noting down the instructions given to him, just underneath where he'd written 'Zaragoza 14', Matranga 37', Tumunzahar 81'', "uh-huh. Got it. Leave arranged for me? Great. Will do. Fyreskar out."

He punched the little red button and placed his phone by the sink. He looked out across the azure-coloured water that made up his own private little bay, lapping at the sandy white beach. Sipping at his water, he walked over to one of his hidden cabinets in the wall. Finding his bunch of keys in the pocket of his shorts, he pressed a button on one of the fobs and part of the wall slid away.

What was revealed would be the sum of a gun-nut and gadget-nut's combined wet dreams. Jaehaerys wondered precisely how much he'd be able to take on this mission. He was an essential cog in the wheel of the Venators - the Starblaydi Special Forces - as well as one or two other, more secret. organistations.

"Spruitland," he said with more than a hint of a sigh, "I think I'll have that sandwich first."

Successful opening win, but a little close for fans

74,400 people jammed into the sold out Viking Arena to see the Vikings play their first World Cup XXIII qualification match. The fans were ready for lots of action, and they definetly got what they wanted, including a few scares. But in the end, the Vikings did just enough to pull out a 1-0 victory against World Cup debutants Buben.

The match started off with Buben getting the first shot when a forward came out from the left side into the box to shoot, but it went wide right. When Fmjphoenix came back to counter attack with a shot in the box by Shelly Berry, but Buben's keeper got a hand on it and knocked it out. The ensuing corner was retrived by Buben. Sadly, things quieted down fora while, neither team able to get a shot off until the 34th minute when it was Hud Lawson taking a penelty shot, but he was sluggish about it and it was easily cleared. That was about the whole action of the first half. The Vikings looked rather slow after their prolonged rest from international play, but they showed some life.

A more rejuvinated looking Vikings ran out of the lockerroom for the second half. Within the first 10 minutes, Mike Nolan, Dave Daniels and Larry Brown each got a shot off, but none went past. The Buben keeper was looking like a seasoned keeper with a lot of skill. But the Vikings defenders were providing tough challenges and not letting Buben stikers come close to the box. But Buben did not want to go away. They continued to play fiercely and provided challenging opposition for the Vikings. But in the end, Buben could not stop Fmjphoenix all the way. In the 84th minute Nolan managed to break through on the right side and deposited a hard hit shot in the lower-left corner. That was all it took in the end though. The Buben counterattack was stopped short of midfield and the Fmjphoenix midfield passed around until time expired. It was not the prettiest nor easiest victory for Fmjphoenix, but it is enough to show that they will come around.

With their sound victory, the Vikings have started their qualification run on the right note. Next up is the one squad in the group that has beaten Fmjphoenix every time, the Psychoes. Squornshelous, the group favorites will not be easy to defeat, but Fmjphoenix looks to build on their sound opening and keep winning.

Fmjphoenix: 1 - Buben: 0
Nolan, 84 - None

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 1-0-0
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

taken from www.oliverriansoccer.oli

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/Image3.png

Oliverry ties with Nonesuch Street 1-1 in the first game of World Cup 23 qualifying phase

All started at the 23rd minute when Joey St. Laurent made a very spectacular save. But, the Nonesuch Streetian(to not mix with Cockbill Street, which are their rulers) player took the ball and scored. 1-0 Nonesuch Street. At the 32nd minute, Turbide Illois got tackled in the goaling surface so he got a penalty. He scored so it went 1-1.

At the 67th minute, Illois got a yellow card for tackling a Noneshuch player. 7 minutes later, he got excluded after kicking referee's ass. So, our team finisehd the game with only 9 players.

Oliweb's Oliverrian player of the match: Turbide Illois

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/a/harleyt_1387/bsd_banner.png
football

Lions fans breathe sigh of relief

SONOMA CITY -- Another World Cup qualifying opening day, and another win for the green and blue. Many fans were actually going into this match with a bit of apprehension, despite Bedistan's opponents being a brand-new team from the nation of Bipedal Apes. They had every reason to, though.

At about 7:52 this morning, an unidentified man was seen by security cameras sneaking into Fillmore National Stadium through a maintenance entrance that had accidentally been left open. The man apparently went through a series of passages and into the stadium announcer's box, where he was observed placing a spherical object in a dark corner of the box. The man escaped from the stadium before security could reach him. An investigation of the planted object revealed that it was, indeed, a va'karela. The device was destroyed before it could do any harm. Meanwhile, police are searching for the intruder, who will be charged with trespassing and terroristic activity if caught. He is described as being about 5'9" tall, about 160-170 pounds, with black hair and dark eyes, most likely of Rejistanian descent.

With that crisis averted, a packed house filled Fillmore to watch a great game of football, Bedistan's new-style 3-5-2 formation working wonderfully. The Two-Footers certainly put up a great effort, but the Lions' experience was just too much for them. Tara Stalls' fine efforts in midfield allayed fans' fears that national team manager Mike Davidson may have called her up to the squad a bit too early, and she and her fellow midfielders had no problems getting the ball to the attackers, who finished well. The Two-Footers' three-person defense, however, did not hamper them nearly as much as one would have thought, with Proboscobid in particular doing a fine job of keeping the score relatively low. Still, the Lions will be happy with three goals, and hoping that World Cup qualification takes them to Eauz rather than Rejistania, where the constant presence of va'karela'ny will hopefully be much less.

finalscore
Bedistan 3 (Martínez 22, Vantrease 62, Orr 79)
Bipedal Apes 0

The Bureaucratic Tribune

VICTORY!

FINRODS (BT) -- Propagated widely by OAF (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Oglethorpian_Association_of_Football) President Joe Staplin, most held the belief the Oglethorpia Ostriches (http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/index.php/Oglethorpia_national_football_team) would open up World Cup 23 qualifying with a loss, setting a precedent for the majority of the remaining thirteen matches. And yet in a wholly surprising and unexpected manner, visiting Oglethorpia defeated a favored Finrods side 2-zip.

Hip Replac had a magnificent game, and more notably, an exciting one, especially given that he never ventured further than 10 feet from where he started. Accomplishing a clean sheet in his first World Cup match with the Ostriches, especially against a higher ranked team now ranks as one of Replac's greatest accomplishments.

"I can't believe I got a clean sheet in my first World Cup match," said Replac himself. "Certainly special against a higher ranked team. I say this ranks as one of my greatest accomplishments."

One must not forget the Ostriches offense in the much publicized victory, uniquely featuring three players charging down the field in an attempt to score on the other team.

Oglethorpia's Mel Memorable scored his first goal in the 40th minute -- the Ostriches going into the half with percieved momentum.

Finrods, however still had a lot left in them, quickly regrouping for the second half and testing Oglethorpia's defense. Here, Replac proved himself with a save, but only minutes later in the 63rd did Oglethorpia buffer the lead with another goal from Memorable.

"It was spectacular," remarked manager Torrence Black. "It's as if Memorable's the next football star -- of Oglethorpia, at least, which isn't saying much. But still! Rather talented, given the pool of players we have to choose from."

Oglethorpia, riding somewhat higher than they were to begin with next face Villarica, again the visiting side. Villarica is unranked this Cup, and Torrence Black predicts another victorious outing.

"Well, if we won today against Finrods, we should easily dispatch Villarica. If we don't, we ought to throw this optimism shit down the crapper," said Black.

"I concur," remarked Staplin, skeptical of using the match as a guage of future success.

The rest of the Oglethorpian schedule looks like this;

MD 3: Oglethorpia @ Bedistan
MD 4: Oglethorpia vs. Five Civilized Nations
MD 5: Oglethorpia vs. Bipedal Apes
MD 6: Oglethorpia @ Tichang
MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Hockey Canada upsets Spaam to tie for 2nd

The thunder of fans in Spaam's capital city was booming as 64,000 fans showed up for the Canucks' opening game of World Cup 23. 6,000 Hockey Canadian fans did whatever they did to get to the game and didn't disappoint as the players ran onto the pitch to a flurry of Hockey Canada flags and a sea of red, white and black. The warmup featured Hockey Canadian music and a streaker painted red and black- but the game got underway at 7:00 local time and was a great game right from the start.

Hockey Canada's plan quickly worked at the beginning of the game as Rahul Kulkarni, one of Hockey Canada's top prospects and best players, took a long pass from Timmy "Timmah!" Johnson in the 2nd minute and took a booming shot that soared in the net off the far right post past a diving Spaam keepr whos name was not given after the game. Fans cheering as Kulkarni ran near the centre of the field to be swarmed by teammates, the streaker from the warmups broke loose to hide in the Spaam net behind the ball.

The goal scored, Hockey Canada's system of play kicked in having them play as defensive as they usually play each game to hold off Spaam. Nevertheless the system worked until the 21st minute when Ike Broflovski tackled a Spaam midfielder 34 yards out of the Hockey Canadian net. Broflovski and the player both took a nasty collision and were injured on the ground beside each other for several minutes. Broflovski has been listed as day-to-day with an ankle sprain while the Spaam midfielder remains unknown.

The collision turned in favour of Spaam as they were awarded a direct free kick on Kyle Thomas, who had not faced much in the game. The kick was hard and high as Thomas had faced so many before- Thomas simply punched the ball over the crossbar for the corner kick which was cleared harmlessly by Yanic Perrault. The clearance by Perrault ended up resulting in a long shot by a Spaam defender which was easily saved by Thomas.

The half nearly ended with Hockey Canada increasing their lead by 2 when Mike Ko set up a play from the far-right corner of the penalty area where he pulled a brilliant move on a Spaam defender before getting a shot away. The shot soared high and nailed off the crossbar out of play sending a loud groan from the stadium (Hockey Canadian fans anyway).

The half featured a brilliant display of colour and light from the Spaam stadium including a video montage of the first 45 minutes of the game. "Ohhhhhhh, MONTAGE!!!!" some of the fans couldn't help but blurt as the presentation was shown.

The second half began with more than enough shots on Kyle Thomas, but the airtight defence of Hockey Canada remainded unbreached. Not much action took place until the 81st minute when a Spaam striker took a hard shot off the right post behind a diving Thomas which sent Spaam fans into a frenzy seeing their best chance of the game to salvage one point taken away by a piece of iron.

The final whistle blew showing Kassyyk next on Hockey Canada's schedule. After they lost to Jeruselem 2-0 today, Hockey Canada is looking for a few goals to get when they play the rookies. They're not taking them lightly though... that's for sure.

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Jeruselem 3 1 0 0 2:0 2
2. One Red Dot 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Total n Utter Insanity 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Hockey Canada 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
5. Spaam 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Spolotikopia 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Antarcticanada 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 1 0:2 -2

Hockey Canada- 1

Kulkarni (2)

Spaam- 0

(ooc: I'm just gonna pout on this loss, considering I thought my dumbass role plays were decent for a change, especially since I was the home team and all. Yeah, me very bitter :p)

Ashley Standard

Kodiaks SCREWED!
Chicanada drops a 2-0 decision in Livingston to unhearald Hypocria, Heads expected to roll.

This was definitly not how it was supposed to happen.

The Chicanadan National squad was expected to do well and win easily in its home opener. However, apparently the team was hit with some bad Rejistani majic (or some low RP scores) as the team collapses to a 2-0 loss in Livingston to Hypocria, and starts the road to probably not qualifying staring up from 7th place.

How did such a loss occur? No one has any real reason, since the squad under Finn Quonzae had some excellent practices. However, goalkeep Timonn Lisbon looked rusty in his return, allowing two goals off of penalties very early in a the CFA considers a major upset instead of just a match.

"No, we're not hightly considered in the international community" Chicanada FC Presidum Hayden Quonesh said yesterday from Cana, "but this loss is absolutely ridiculous and if this is the path the Kodiaks take for qualifying heads will be rolling." No head bigger than Quonzae for certain, as he's already considered a major threat to be removed from the Shockers due to poor play of the squad throughout the current season.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 2:0
MD2: @ Lucianic
MD3: @ Druida
MD4: @ Kajiztahn
MD5: Tonissia (@ Bishop Stadia, Bishop County)
MD6: Sarzonia (@ Southampton National Square, Southampton)
MD7: @ Raptor Claw
MD8: @ Hypocria
MD9: Lucianic (@ Souther Sky Dome, Star Point)
MD10: Druida (@ Easten National Arena, Eastentown)
MD11: Kajiztahn (@ The Governess Palace, Colombo)
MD12: @ Tonissia
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: Do we need to have witty banter or something to improve our lot?

Loride Florizen, CFA Analyst: Not sure, boss. But I think it might work to our advantage especially as we still have thirteen games and we could be looking at an 0-0-13 swing based off these results.

Quonesh: I still cannot believe that we got slammed like that! To a smaller team!

Florizen: Maybe we got overconfident?

Quonesh: Well thankfully that's gone, since we have to go on that road swing. If we don't end that trip with some major points, I might just sack the whole coaching staff.

Florizen: scoffs in surprise

Quonesh: Stop scoffing or I will sick Jacquee on you.

Florizen: B...but I'm not a rabbit.

Quonesh pulls out some bunny ears and crazy glue

Quonesh: Unless you shut you will be.

Flroizen: *grumbles off to yell at the Kodiaks squad some more*

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Spruitland starts somewhat satisfyingly ‘spite sunken ship

Oceaice – Spruitland: 0 – 0

The Spruitland Wabbits almost didn’t make it to their opening match in the World Cup 23 Qualifiers. What exactly happened is not clear as no details have been released by either side, but apparently an “incident” between the players boat and an unknown ship, in international waters near Oceaice, almost ended in disaster.

“Next time the friggin’ SFA gets the brilliant idea to rent a friggin’ shrimp boat, I’m staying home,” Dirk Jools fumed. “One hit and the damn thing crumbled like a stale browny. From now on I’m taking a plane or I’m not coming along, I don’t care if the damn nation doesn’t have an airport!”

“It’s ok, no harm done,” a coughing SFA President Martin Backer said. “Simple misunderstanding, that’s all. Everything’s been taken care of.”

“Well, they did apologize,” Wabbits coach Cor Bensen commented, “but I’m not sure their ‘cigarette too close to the fuse’ excuse was all that convincing. Meantime, I had to make some serious adjustments to the team. We were lucky to get away with a point, under the circumstances.”

Bensen struggled to get 11 players onto the field that were fit to play, as many of the Wabbits were suffering from bronchitis or other respiratory problems. Johan Verbeek got his chance in goal, replacing Simon Briers who sustained a hand injury.

“Who the hell has a hook for a hand anyway?” a frustrated Briers said, raising his bandaged hand. “Try to be polite to these people, even after all that’s happened, and this is what you get.”

Whether Briers will be recovered in time for the next match is still uncertain, but FC Albertine goalie Johan Verbeek did a fine job in his international debut. Verbeek kept a clean sheet to hang on to 0-0, giving Spruitland a valuable point against a higher ranked nation.

The Wabbits will be traveling to Tramontina for their next qualifying match, and Martin Backer has already confirmed that airplane tickets have been ordered.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of RBA

World Cup qualification matches begin in Bedistania

by Bango

Sonoma City, Bedistania - With great anticipation and happy joy, Two-Footers of RBA began World Cup qualification attempt today against esteemed human nation of Bedistania. Players having arrived last week by banana-boat, all were rested and in fine health and spirits, enjoying lovely Bedistanian weather and exotic human beverages. Ms. Throckspartle, manager of Local 1033 Banana Pickers’ Union side in domestic league and coach of national team, had spent week studying Bedistanian footie stratagems and running players through counter-measures.

All players expressed great admiration for fine Bedistanian footie history and ginormous stadium in which game would take place. Accomodations for visiting side and coaches was entirely clean and without vermin, with running water available in each room. After week of difficult practice, spirits at matchtime ran high and confidence was such that Ms. Throckspartle told this reporter that “Although Bedistanians ranked very high, we may score goal tonight.”

No boos, no boots
Things not stayed on such high note, however. First snafu occurred as team came onto pitch from locker room, somewhat nervous as tens of thousands of yelling humans surrounded them in the stands. Players were carefully groomed, fur having been picked from head to toe, and each sported lovely white number bleached into back of her fur. Human crowd, though vociferously supporting home side, cheered politely for evolved newcomers as they emerged from tunnel.

Then, minor disaster. Officials stopped team as soon as they were on field.

“What give?” said number-one top official bigwig. “Where the players’ boots at?”

“Boots?” replied poor Ms. Throckspartle, uncomprehendingly.

“Boots,” repeated official. “For feet.”

As turns out, FIFA rules required all players have feet encased in boots before entering field of play. No barefoot footie allowed. Needless to report, took Throckspartle and entire team by surprise. None had ever played in boots before; in point of fact, none had ever worn clothing on feet.

For moment, forteiture loomed over grief-stricken team. But happily, nice Bedistanian equipment manager came to aid, and after brief delay, footgear for visitors was located. Although shaped for human feet, boots were rapidly retooled to provide hole in side for footthumb, and before long, entire team was staggering around sideline getting used to walking even more human-style than usual.

Fear of Lions
Then second disaster struck. Visiting side was introduced by nice human announcer-person, and names all pronounced carefully. Starting eleven along with Ms. Throckspartle and assistant coach Wagfal stood near midfield circle awaiting announcement of home side. And then over loudspeakers boomed voice, ”And now, welcome your World Cup Twenty-Three Bedistanian Lions!”

Voice went on to name each starting player, but visiting side could not hear over screaming of center-back Wonktickle. As esteemed male Bedistanian goalkeeper Tom Pratt began running toward center of field, Wonktickle took off, running about in shrieking circles with arms thrown over head, hampered only by unfamiliarity of running in boots. Although several teammates tried to tackle crazy male midfielder, it was Ms. Throckspartle whose cool head allowed control to be regained.

After subduing Wonktickle by smacking him across top of head, Throckspartle asked what hell was wrong with him. “Lions!” screamed Wonktickle. “Lions! Lions lions lions!”

Throckspartle looked at Wonktickle, then across field at human opponents, then back at crazy male. “What wrong with you? There no lions,” she said.

“Lions! Announcer said lions!” screamed Wonktickle.

“Lions only name of team,” Throckspartle explained, smacking Wonktickle across top of head for good measure. Gesture of kindness was lost, however, as stupid male could not understand metaphorical naming of Bedistanian team.

“I don’t want to be ate by lions!” he screamed, and began running around like a madape again.

Throckspartle tackled, then benched him. Rungtiggle started in his place, but damage was done. Nervousness at possibility that opposing players might turn out to be lions had set in among team, and trepidation would mark their play throughout first half.

No goal for Two-Footers
Goal Ms. Throckspartle had hoped for was not to be. Two-Footers began match playing exclusively on own side of field, with nice footwork by Federated Banana Mills’ Proboscid, deflecting two shots, only bright spot. By twenty-second minute, Lions scored first goal, as male human Zack Martinez stepped up from midfield position to take ball into box and plant in left side of net between lumpish Hooboy and diving Proboscid and Hobartleby.

After allowing first goal without being summarily devoured, Bipedaleen players began to shake off lionfear, and began playing with seriousness apropos to World Cup qualifier. For rest of first half, Two-Footers kept pace with Lions, even managing a shot on goal by each of two strikers, Hobnottica and Gazeboo. However, by midpoint, effect of running in unfamiliar foot-clothing began taking toll, and players were definitely slowing.

After halftime rest, team came out looking rejuvinated, and with Walwollers, Looloo, Angstohm and Wilbillow on in place of Bumdiddle, Wampoonder, Hobnottica, and Gazeboo, to give the side some fresh legs. Replacement players gave enthusiastic performance, but was hardly enough to overcome fine Bedistanian team. In sixty-second minute, striker Alejandro Vantrease nudged ball into goal after outfooting tiring Proboscid, and fellow-striker Tony Orr added third goal in minute seventy-nine from five meters after Hooboy was called for trapping when she foolishly attempted to pick ball up with right rear foot, despite boot, using thumb. Ms. Throckspartle almost benched poor defender but decided against it, having only a male reserve to send in.

Score stayed at 3-0, and in end, side gave respectable performance. In first international match, Two-Footers managed not to be blown out against top-ranked side in group. Ms. Throckspartle acknowledged as much after match, saying, “Lions good team. We gave best effort. Next time in RBA-- maybe things turn out different.”

She then announced Rungtiggle as starter in next match, replacing Wonktickle.

Today’s headlines…

LFA Reacionist Policy Under Review
Survey Shows Most Fans Think It Means Point WMDs At Inconvenient Rivals
Liam & Co Media

Kingsford King-hit
Iziary Leads The Way
Liamist States Times

Liamopolis-Liamton Fans Yield
Reason Acceptable But Many Still Grumble
Liamopolis Observer

Good Start
Bell: Long Road Ahead Still
Soccer and Babes Magazine

We Preview WC23 Qualifying
Including Tomorrow's Hitout Against Some Werid Druids
Soccer Monthly

Eaks Ecstatic
"We've Never Been So High...On A Group Table"
CDL Courier

[OOC: Ah...The Di Brandini Code.]

thsd:NEWS

Got Milch?

AS is only right and proper, the Caleys went debutant-squacking on Matchday One. Milchama were the poor lambs who were slaughtered four-nil in front of fifty thousand fans in Ousevale.

Kevin Keda, earning his first full cap, started the rout on twelve minutes, connecting to a Stuart Persson cross with a crisp volley. The twenty-one year-old then made the mistake of whirling his shirt over his head in the celebrations - cue one yellow card and much ref-baiting from the partisan crowd. One became two just before half time. Again Persson was the creator, this time centre-back Terry Goodley nodding home - one of the advantages of being six foot four.

The second half threatened to be more of the same, however a harsh tackle from a Milchaman midfielder led to Persson being taken off with a gashed leg, and the Milchaman receiving only a yellow (more jeers for the Hockey Canadian referee). Krytenia took a while to regain their shape, and when <insert name here> hit one from a full thirty yards, James Barcali had to be at full stretch to tip it over.

Time then for the ubiquitous local hero. Ousevale midfielder and substitute David Signoriello picked up the ball thirty yards out, played a neat one-two with Phillip Neasden, then slotted neatly home past the Milchaman goalie. Three-nil, and three points in the bag. There was still time for one more though, as Milchama conceded a needless free kick twenty-five yards from goal. Andy Tay, taking over DVS's dead ball duties, proved he was as good as the old master by curving the ball sweetly into the far corner.

Maximum points so far, and the Caleys will be hoping for more of the same away to Garinas. Care should be taken however; the Garinese stole a point from Squornshelous in a typically Karelan stalemate.

KRYTENIA - 4
Keda 12
Goodley 43
Signoriello 85
Tay 88
MILCHAMA - 0

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben
MD5: A v Squornshelous
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD2: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD3: A v Kipto-Mare
MD4: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD5: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD6: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD7: A v Caprine States

That Will Do Nicely


Hypocria 2 – 0 Chicanada
Baxter (p) 6
Shirko (p) 14


On paper it was a pretty nasty start to the campaign. Three away games beginning with a trip to Chicanada, ranked 53 places above Hypocria, was not exactly what the fans would have chosen. But the Titans have been punching above their weight of late, registering draws against world champions Sarzonia and former champions Bedistan, so they went into the match in Livingston full of confidence.

That confidence showed as the Titans ripped into the Kodiak defence in the opening stages of the match. After just six minutes Danny West latched onto a loose back pass and raced into the box before being tripped by Lisbon. The referee gave a penalty, much to the annoyance of several thousand Kodiak fans. It was midfielder Marcus Baxter who placed the ball on the spot. He ran up and scored, blasting the ball straight down the middle.

The first penalty did not exactly endear the referee to the home fans, the award of the second meant he could permanently rule out Chicanada as a potential holiday destination. Burdali played the ball forward to West he once again ran into the box before going down under the challenge of a defender. The contact was minimal at best but once again the referee didn’t hesitate in giving the penalty. This time it was Andrei Shirko who stepped up, he comfortably sent the keeper the wrong way to score. It was 2 – 0 to Hypocria and with barely fifteen minutes on the clock.

From then on any attacking play was forgotten as the Titans concentrated on maintaining their two goal lead. The defence, superbly marshalled by team captain, Paul Blake, refused to buckle under the pressure and goalkeeper Kindelan made a number of great saves. The final whistle blew and Hypocria had picked up all three points.

Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake
7. Petras (replaced by 17. Costanzo, 74)
8. Burdali (replaced by 15. Sinclair, 71)
9. Shirko
14. Drakes
20. West (replaced by 18. Powell, 78)
21. Veron


In the other Group 9 games Sarzonia started their campaign to retain their World Championship in style with a four goal hammering of Kajiztahn, Raptor Claw narrowly beat Tonissia 1 – 0 and Lucianic picked up a battling point in Druida.

Group 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 3 1 0 0 4:0 4
2. Hypocria 3 1 0 0 2:0 2
3. Raptor Claw 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
4. Druida 1 0 1 0 0:0 0
Lucianic 1 0 1 0 0:0 0
6. Tonissia 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
7. Chicanada 0 0 0 1 0:2 -2
8. Kajiztahn 0 0 0 1 0:4 -4


The Schedule (Group 9)

MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)

[OOC: Ah...The Di Brandini Code.]

OOC: First of all it's Di Bradini, and secondly, nice one Kry! WC24 RP idea :D

IC

Keira Hamilton had been on many trips that others would call 'adventures', recently. Searching - successfully, she might add - for a downed high-tech aircraft in snowcapped mountains was her latest assignment. Fending off other similarly-interested parties for possession of the rather special motherboards of the radar system, she managed not to lose all of her huskies that time, though they usually found their way back to base camp.

Before that had been a life-and-death hunt for ancient artefacts in an underground tomb city, more terrifying than any movie studio ever came up with, beset by odd Necromancer-types with their even odder minions.

Her task today, however, was far more down-to-earth. Nice Melons, she thought, managing to echo the exact sentiments of the young man behind the counter. With that, the shopping basket slung under her arm was full. She walked up to the counter and placed her basket in from of the shop assistant, who began ringng up her items.

"Nice to see the Bluebirds win one-nil," he said, by way of starting a conversation, "have you ever heard of Tramontina before?"

"Yes, and no," she said cursing herself inwardly for wearing a football-themed T-shirt, "oh, I've forgotten something."

Swiftly turning on her heels, Keira went to lose herself in the vegetable aisle. Hopefully by the time she came backthe boy would have finished his task of adding up the cost of her shopping.

"Hello Keira," came the voice behind her suddenly. She recognised him immediately, not needing to turn her head.

"Good afternoon," she replied, "what brings you to this little empty market?"

"I've got something new for you," he said, "in Spruitland, a little farming task I need doing."

"Surely you can hire some stoned Spruitlander farmers, A-" he interrupted her before she went any further.

"Not with your," he paused for dramatic effect, "talents, Kiera." He let that sink in for a moment. "I'm putting a team together, and you should be part of it."

"A team, eh?" she asked, picking up some straight-to-wok stir-fry vegetables.

"Yes, but not those." he said, reaching over her shoulder with a large hand, putting the stir fry back on the shelf. A slight stretch later and he picked up a bag of black-eyed peas. "There you go," he said, disappearing, "much more appropriate."

Tigers make easy start

The first matches would be essential to dertemine the strength of this years selection. Its the only test before the clash with leading power Bedistan and other lesser, but not weaker, nations. Especially Oglethorpia's 2-0 victory over Finrods proves this.

But the Tigers passed the test with succes, beating Tichang, an unranked side, with a staggering 5-0. Tichang made desperate attempts to threaten Tadjikistan but never got past Vorozeikhin. On the other side of the field, it looked like a goalfestival, an excellent Tanai netted three shots near the end of the first half, followed by goals from Bayerenov and Vishnevskij in the second half.

So not only an A on their test, also a good morale boost and proof that the Tigers still claw after their disastrous run on WC22. Even the low (or unexisting) ranking of the opponent did not change that belief, like we already said, lower ranking does not equal loss, and to prove this we like to point at Hypocria with their 2-0 win over a much higher ranked side in an away match.
Bipedal Apes best watch out for the Tigers, who are prepared for the worst and strengthened by their recent victory.

Fixtures
MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

The Daily Druid

CONSPIRACY!
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Druida 0 Luciancic 0

Druida manager Trefor "Elastic" Edwards was left fuming yesterday, as his side's opening game of the World Cup 23 qualifying was refereed by Rejistanian referee Laksu Kynsu, a hardline karelan.

Edwards' anger stemmed from the fact that Druida actually put the ball in the net five times, while Luciacic put two past Druida. All seemingly good goals, it seemed. Only Kynsu wasn't having any of it.

"It was as if he was trying to deliberately keep the game goalless!" Edwards told the heards of reporters afterwards. "Not that I'd accuse an official of such a thing, but we all know that Druidans like their free flowing football, but you'd think the referee was trying to help the two defences keep the score down. And it's not like Rejistanians don't have a reputation for that kind of frame of mind."

Anyway, hopefully the team can put their nightmare day in the hands of the karelans with a win in Kajiztahn, followed by a good result at home to Chicanada.

- - - - - - - - - -

Voice: "So how's it going?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, we've contacted the Hockey Canadian brewery who make the water-flavoured beer, and they've told us we could have some if we do something for them."

Voice: "And what do they want us to do?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, they want us to help their national team win a few games."

Voice: "Oh. How will you do this, then?"

Unnamed helper: "Oh, I can't tell you that! Let's just say two things - First, how do you think Oaker got to the World Cup Final?"

Voice: "You didn't?"

Unnamed helper: "Oh yes, that was all down to me. Second, look at the scorelines from yesterday's qualifying games."

Voice: "Well, NEWI Cefn Druids lost, Druida drew..."

Unnamed helper: "Ah, come on! If I did those two, it'd be far too obvious!"

Voice: "Spaam 0 Hockey Canada 1! And you say that was down to you, yes?"

Unnamed helper: "Of course. But no-one'll know how. But if you go down to the home changing rooms, be sure to put a peg on your nose, eh?"

Tikhonov was back in his office with his 2nd assistant after the victory against Spaam.

T: So... is the water-flavoured beer on it's way to Druida?

A: Yes sir. Please don't throw money on me like you did for the previous assistant.

T: Nah, not for a few days... How is the beer coming along to get to Druida?

A: It was boarded up on the nearest iceberg headed off.

T: Iceberg? Why not fly or ship it off?

A: Don't you know? Beer is better cold!

T: That could be why we're one of the largest beer-possessing nations in the world.

A: Whatever happened to the 2 Druida hockey fans?

T: We gave them a nice home with a beer-filled pool.

A: Won't it freeze?

T: Oh no!!! They've been swimming for hours!!!

A: This I gotta see!!!

Sounds of a door being slammed and car tires screeching.

Jeruselem Government News

First up win for Jeruselem

First game for World Cup XXXIII and Jeruselem got a first up win. They played unknowns Kassyyk and were slow to start up. Luckily Kassyyk didn't threaten much either and Jeruselem got going in the 2nd half with two goals to seal a rather timid but winning start for Jeruselem. 2-0 might seem a rather close call for such a top team like Jeruselem, but it was the best scoreline of Group 10. The other scores were well 1-0.

The other faves in Group 10 didn't start with bang either. One Red Dot took on Spolotikopia and got 1-0 win out of it while Total n Utter Insanity got a win but it wasn't a thumping of Antarcticanada, just another 1-0 win. The big teams get 1-0 wins over less than experienced opposition? No panic, good teams start slow and get home in the end.

The real interest was Hockey Canada vs our friends on the net Spaam. Would Spaam register a win or would the hockey-crazy Canadians get a World Cup win? Hockey Canada got a famous win 1-0 without using hockey sticks or smacking Spaamians around the place.

Jeruselem top group 10 on goal difference with 3 teams on the same goal difference in 2nd to 4th. The bottom 4 are winless including Spaam.

Group 10
Jeruselem 2 Kassyyk 0
One Red Dot 1 Spolotikopia 0
Spaam 0 Hockey Canada 1
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Antarcticanada 0

Harlesburg Tie
Group 2 Harlesburg 1 Haperd 1

After what many people in Harlesburg expected to be a close game the Harlesbug Haperd match proved to be just that finishing up 1 a piece.

Both teams were rather expectant of the other team in the early stages with niether wanting to show any daring which may force an error that could turn into a costly counterattack at the other end.This action made the game decidedly boring for the 28,000 people who bothered to turn up to this game between two of the most and more obscure teams in the whole World Cup.

The dead lock was finally broken in the 37th minute from a Cornerkick that sailed from left to right from the Left Footer Hasam Salad reaching the far end of the box to be glanced by Olsen Olsen and though the keeper made a valiant effort to retrieve the ball its angle was too much for him to overcome as it sailed by his outstreched left palm.

From here the designated home team Haperd looked to expand there game a bit with more activity across field and attempts at deep penetrating runs to the box which most of the time were stopped short of their desired objective.

The first half finished with Harlesburg having 7 shots 2 on goal and Haperd having 5 shots 2 on goal Corner kicks were 3 to Harlesburg and 4 to Hapread.

the second 45 started off badly for Harlesburg with Olsen Olsen getting callously hacked down by the Hapread left winger and after he was pulled from the game Harlesburg lost all structure in their offence something Hapread instantly noticed.

Hapread continued to turn the tide of the game and by the 54th minute had scored a stunning goal from 22 yards out the ball being drilled hard and low by the Hapreadian Midfielder it made a late bounce and spooned up just as the Harlesburg keeper was to pounce on it his finger tips deflecting it into the waiting path of the follow up Hapreadian striker who gracefully tapped it into the back of the net.

Now Harlesburg out ranked by this team were unsure of how far they could press the game or would a first match draw be enough to suffice?
Harlesburg have seldom extracted a point from their first match in all World Cups and after a brief debate by the 76th minute the changes had been rung in and the Harlesburg team had taken a purely defencive position with only a lone striker inside the half to launch any break.

The game finally petered out to a draw with the score at 1-1 the Corners at Harlesburg 6 Hapread 11 shots 13 to 19 and on target 5 to 7.

Harlesburg's next match is against Pedriana a new nation to the World Cup and Harlesburg look eager to claim their first win tomorrow.

Haperd 1vs Harlesburg
MD2: Pedriana vs Harlesburg
MD3: Turorivs Harlesburg
MD4: Harlesburg vs Wella
MD5: Harlesburg vs Artoonia
MD6: Riegabvs Harlesburg
MD7: EL CID THE HEROvs Harlesburg

MD8-14 are reverse of MD1-7

Izlon Sports Herald
Pride Start Group 3 Play With A Bang

Coach Jacques Raizor was seen dancing like a happy little schoolgirl during the closing minutes of the Sonaron Pride's WC XXIII qualifying run. With the Pride leading 3-0 and maintaining possession during the closing run, Coach Raizor's jubilation overflowed into his behavior. Unfortunately, he was unavailable for an interview by press time. Even more unfortunate, the football gods smote the team for Coach Raizor's premature celebration, causing the Pride to concede a goal in the 89th minute and lose the clean sheet.

With the victory, the Pride run their qualifying opening day record to 2-0-1. In a statement released by the team yesterday, Coach Raizor said, "While we're certainly happy with our performance against The Weegies, the team knows that what's important is where we finish at the end of the qualifying schedule. But we intend to stay atop the table as long as we can."

With upcoming away matches to Kericia and then World #3 Vilita, the Sports Herald feels that our dominance will be shortlived. We do wish the team luck in improving on their 12 point WC XXI qualifying performance.

Match Report: The Weegies 1 (89) - Sonaron Pride 3 (T. Saton 14, Y. Saton 37, T. Saton (2) 71)
Sonaron Pride - Group 3: 1-0-0 +2, 1st place


MD1: @ The Weegies W 3-1
MD2: @ Kericia
MD3: @ Vilita
MD4: v Gaian Ascendancy
MD5: v Kutch
MD6: @ Paul Sculthorpe fans
MD7: @ Svecia
MD8: v The Weegies
MD9: v Kericia
MD10: v Vilita
MD11: @ Gaian Ascendancy
MD12: @ Kutch
MD13: v Paul Sculthorpe fans
MD14: v Svecia

Welcome back to Stadiwm Bettia as we get set for live World Cup football here on the Sonastra Sports Network. Joining me in the studio as always are Bert Troutman, manager of Akani Sands, and Bettian footballing legend Stuart Abdul-Rahim.

Now lets go through the starting eleven. In goal we have Ricardo DiTorino - the youngster holding off the fit-again Amir Bettison for the number one slot there. At the back we have Coates and Williams in the centre, with Amir Bin Da'ud on the left and Geraint Carew on the right. We have a midfield quartet of Evan Brooks and John Connick in the centre, with Ieuan Swain and Aaron Brown on the wings - a rather attack-minded set-up there. And up front we have Chris Hutton and Judson York. Now Stuart, I know you have a particular interest in seeing who has replaced you in the strike partnership. Hutton is no suprise, but York?

Well, it may seem like a surprise, but he has been on scintillating form for his new club, Pylos Reavers in Hypocria. He looked a little jaded towards the end of last season, but this move across the border has done him a world of good, his confidence is right up there. You simply can't ignore a forward who's on top of his game.

Thank you for those comments. Now lets join our match commentators, Yusef Hariri and Cledwyn Jones.

_________

Thank you John, and you join us here in the newly revamped national stadium. Now, taking out the bottom tier of seats and replacing it with terraces might have been controversial, especially in this all-seater era, but the atmosphere that is being generated by the fans here tonight is simply phenomenal, and the police are confident that with good crowd management, they will be no trouble. And lets face it, this game has been much anticipated since the draws were announced. Can you think of a better venue to host our Nedalian neighbours? I don't think so. The players are coming onto the pitch, and just listen to the noise - you really have to be here to believe it! The capacity crowd of just over 100,000 are really making themselves heard, including the large contingent of Nedalian fans who have made the short journey across the border.

While we're waiting for the teams to be introduced to President Brooks of Bettia and President Bren of Nedalia, let me just divulge a statistic with the viewers at home - ever since coming onto the NS scene, Bettia have never won their opening game. Baptism of Fire - lost to Zanzabarland. World Cup 22 - drew with Starblaydia. Cup of Harmony - drew with Kylaai. AOCAF - lost to Legalese. Lets hope they go one better today. And it's Bettia to kick off...

14 minutes
What can you say? This really is a full-blooded local derby - plenty of chances on goal already, with the occasional meaty tackle thrown in for good measure. Carew now, knocking the ball forward to Brown - those two really do link up well. Brown floats in the cross - oh, good strong header from York, but it's straight at Lynch. No trouble at all for the Lions keeper.

30 minutes
It's Nedalia doing all the pressing now. Nene in the centre now... squares it to Hardman, and back to Nene. This is a good looking run... he's taken it past Williams and into the area, Oh! Now was that a foul? What's the referee given? He's given a corner! Oh my, that's really angered the Nedalian midfielder. I don't know about you, but that really did look a clear penalty, lets have a look at the replay. No, looks like Coates got the ball first before the man. Well what can I say? That was a good call by the ref there.

43 minutes
These last twenty minutes have been all Nedalia, Bettia are finding it hard to get out of their own half. Hardman... thats a good ball out to the wing to find Faoud breaking down the right hand side. He cuts in now, into the area... and Williams has brought him down. It's a penalty! No hesitation by the ref there, he's pointed straight at the spot. And Williams has picked up a yellow card for his trouble.

Yamtech steps up to take the kick... and it's saved! That was quite a weak effort there, DiTorino only had to drop to his left to smother that.

45 minutes
And that's halftime, and its a certainty that At-Tariq will have some stern words with his players. Bettia have shown once again that they're notoriously slow starters, and they must improve in the second half.

56 minutes
It's Bettia now on the attack... but Brooks has been dispossesed, and here's Nene now, breaking forward for the visitors. That's a marvellous run past three defenders... he's taken a pot shot... AND IT'S IN! Oh my, what a wonder strike! He hit that from all of thirty yards, just dipping in time under the bar. It's no more than they deserve, they've been threatening a goal for quite some time now. The away fans are going beserk. It's one-nil to Nedalia, and our boys have it all to do.

69 minutes
Now this is more like it. That goal has really woken Bettia up, the last ten or so minutes has seen them camped in the opponent's half. Here's Judson York now, he's really been a thorn in the defenders' sides. Nice layoff to Hutton, that's a good looking shot! Oh! Darrell Lynch has tipped that around the bar. That looked in all the way! Bettia were unlucky there, but their pressure is finally starting to pay off. Brooks take the corner... here's Williams steaming into the area. Superb header, Lynch really had to stretch to get that!

81 minutes
...and the fans are urging the home side on with everything they've got, they're shouting themselves hoarse here. Even Tiddles is straining to get on the pitch to do her bit! Bettia have had a few great chances, but nothing to show for it yet.

91 minutes
There can't be long left now. A chorus of whistles is coming from the Nedalian fans, they feel their teams have this won. Ieaun Swain breaking down the left wing, a stroming run down the flank. I'm suprised he still has the energy for that kind of pace! He's been forced into the corner by Cole Zenith, thats some good defending, running the clock down. Hang on, Swain has somehow got past his man, advancing up the goalline now. He's cut it in, found York sprinting into the area... YES! GOOOOOOOALLL!

Judson York with a splendid finish, smashing the ball home! And the noise! The Bettian fans are taking the roof off! Scenes of wild celebration all around Stadiwm Bettia, our boys have rescued the game at the death! And there's the final whistle! A thrilling climax to a thrilling game.

Of course, Bettia won't be so happy with the final score, and now they have to go to Robotopolis hoping to get a good result.

The final score from Stadiwm Bettia...

Bettia 1 (York 91)
Nedalia 1 (Nene 56)

MD1: Bettia vs Nedalia D 1-1
MD2: Robotopolis vs Bettia
MD3: Lovisa vs Bettia
MD4: Englerica vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Vtorbetin (Thamitra Gate Stadium, Tamrida)
MD6: Bettia vs Oaker (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD7: Lethislavania vs Bettia
MD8: Nedalia vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Robotopolis (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: Bettia vs Lovisa (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD11: Bettia vs Englerica (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD12: Vtorbetin vs Bettia
MD13: Oaker vs Bettia
MD14: Bettia vs Lethislavania (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)

Same score, different game

Sarzonia's national football team played its first World Cup qualification match as the defending world champions and the result was the same as the result in the World Cup final against Oaker, although the stakes were much lower this time around. This match, against football newcomers Kajiztahn, saw the Stars play solid if unspectacular football, almost lulling their supporters to sleep with "lacklustre" play.

"We just had a challenging tournament in the Ts'kinvali Cup Invitational," Coach Dave Wilson said. "After playing some of the genuine greats and playing in the last-ever match for South Osettia, there's bound to be a huge emotional letdown in this match. Hate to say it, but it's true."

The Stars (1-0-0, first place, Group 9) were never threatened by Kajiztahn, allowing only two shots through to goalkeeper Horace Sandt, who must think the regulation football is the size of a beachball. Sandt continued to leave former Sarzonian goalkeeping legend and Hall of Fame nominee Troy Perkins in the dust in nearly every category, notching his 17th clean sheet in the past 21 matches dating back to the World Cup XXI finals stage.

"When we have Hor back there, it's like we know we're not giving anything up," defender Mike Coyle said. "No matter what we do, he's been a rock for us."

The Stars have said they'll never play System Karela, but the team's 0.11 goals against average with Sandt between the uprights belies the statement. While the team may not play with all ten field players behind the ball, they certainly are as stingy with goals conceded like a Karela playing side.

"That's become one of our hallmarks," Wilson said proudly. "We don't give up many goals and we still play Sarzonian football. You can't get a lot prouder than that.

Sarzonia 4 (Russell 10, B. Wilson 24, Coyle 49, own goal 78)
Kajiztahn 0

Group 10 overview

Group 10
Jeruselem 2 Kassyyk 0
One Red Dot 1 Spolotikopia 0
Spaam 0 Hockey Canada 1
Total n Utter Insanity 1 Antarcticanada 0


Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Jeruselem 3 1 0 0 2:0 2
2. One Red Dot 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Total n Utter Insanity 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
Hockey Canada 3 1 0 0 1:0 1
5. Spaam 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Spolotikopia 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
Antarcticanada 0 0 0 1 0:1 -1
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 1 0:2 -2

Jeruselem- 2
Kassyyk- 0

A game which saw the mosts coring of any other games in the group, Jeruselem looked fairly timid in the first 45 minutes. Kassyyk's plan of keeping Jeruselem at bay seemed to be working until Jeruselem scored twice in the mid-second half to seal Kassyyk's fate for their debut game. Hockey canada will be next on the agenda for Kassyyk. Jeruselem's 2 goals puts them sitting atop Group 10- but for how long???

One Red Dot- 1
Spolotikopia- 0

One Red Dot had one big scare in their World Cup 23 opener with a one goal win over rookie nation Spolotikopia. Hardly any scoring in the game and no television signals to any outside countries kept fans guessing if the game was close or one-sided. The score seemed like it was close but we're left to keep guessing. One Red Dot's win puts them in a 3-way tie for 2nd with TnUI and HC.

Hockey Canada- 1
Spaam- 0

Entertaining for the most part of the game, Hockey canada managed an upset over the former World Cup runner-ups. Scoring early for the Hockey Canadians was critical for them as their defence seemed airtight and impenetrable for any attack. Things are looking up for Hockey Canada is this continues while things aren't looking so good for Spaam if they fall into a slump.

Total n Utter Insanity- 1
Antarcticanada- 0

10th ranked Total n Utter Insanity had a hard time with newcomers Antarcticanada, even though they should have beaten them by 3 or more goals. The untelevised game once again kept fans guessing what the game was like. The antarctic nation shouldn't expect to get too far in qualifications, seeing how the only polar nations good are the arctic ones.

The Nedalia Lions

Shoot to the daily late night football talk show, hosted by Vern Tap and Don Queen:

VT: We’ve reviewed the latest results from the Premier League, we discussed results around the AO and the respective leagues, and we’ve looked at the upcoming AO Champions League. Now, perhaps the most important part of today’s segment, the Lions game against our eastern neighbors, Bettia.

DQ: Well, Vern, we were unlucky. I know I’m known for my bias, but really, that game should’ve been ours. I know there has been debate on whether that first non-call by the referee was truly a penalty or not, but I’ve looked at the tape from different angles, and really, it looked like one to me.

VT: No doubt there was contact with the player, but that is just excuses you’re making for the team. The bottom line is, the last second goal should not have been conceded. There was absolutely no reason we should not have won that game 1 – 0 in Bettia. Complete lack of concentration on our part.

DQ: It should’ve been 2 – 0, Vern, and I’m not even considering the penalty the referee did not call. I’m talking about Yamtech and his complete mockery of a penalty kick. He’s one of the stars of our team, he should’ve put that one away easily.

VT: A lot of what might have beens, Don, but really, 1 – 1 away to Bettia could have ended worse.

DQ: I don’t look at it like that at all. If we want to be contenders we can’t let these points slip out of reach because of mistakes the team can actually not have to make.

VT: Still, there has been a lot of positives to come from a match against a definite up and coming team that will be making a whole lot of noise in years to come.

DQ: I tell you what I was impressed with, and that was the amount of noise the Nedalian fans made over at the national stadium in Bettia. We’re known for our pride and our loudness, and we lived up to that reputation.

VT: Indeed. Tell me, what did you think of the rest of Nedalian squad?

DQ: Save for that last minute blunder, the defense was on point, something that we cant say too often about the Lions. However, other than Nene on the left, and Hardman playing in his defensive midfield role, there was nothing exceptional about us going forward. We have to find consistency.

VT: Our strike force wasn’t their usual self. Mattan was quiet throughout…it has been the case since he left Nedalia. Andrew Blod came on as a late sub, and made some moves, but again, it didn’t amount to a goal, which is what we were looking for. We’re just about out of time here, we thank you for tuning in. Catch us tomorrow, same time. Goodnight.

An abandoned warehouse, Commerce Heights, Capital Territory

Coach Darren Redner enters the warehouse to find Assistant Coach (and UCSCH CEO) Matthew Sparks, and the Commerce Heights Capitalizts.

Redner: So, I hear there was an incident while I was away?

Sparks: You could say that…

Redner: What happened?

Sparks: Well, I saw a bright flash of light around 13:40 yesterday, and the team was gone!

Redner: Perhaps we should invest in better accomodations?

Sparks: Nah, probably not worth it. Anyway, around 15:30, there was another flash. The team was back, wearing their uniforms, and they seemed strangely happy.

Redner: You mean, like they just won a match?

Sparks: Yes, maybe by two goals—wait, that’s it! Maybe someone forgot to tell us about the match, and they convinced Asgard Technologies to forcibly get the team to the stadium?

Redner: Well, if they didn’t tell us about the first game, who knows when the second will be. For all we know, it could start right about now…

There is a bright flash of light in the room. The team disappears.

Sparks: Maybe you should look into getting us a schedule. Maybe even publish a roster or something!

Is 6 a Lucky Number?
NOPE!

Pschychoes placed into group with assorted other teams. Many saw this sort of thing coming.


Group 6:
#7 Squornshelous (43.11)
#21 Krytenia (32.17)
#36 Fmjphoenix (16.39)
#48 Kipto-Mare (10.06)
#90 Caprine States (2.00)
#135 Buben (0.29)
Unr Milchama (0.0)
Unr Garinas (0.0)


Krytenia
The Pschychoes biggest threat in this qualifying group comes in a bright blue wrapper. (or something like that). The 21st ranked team have cup experience, and are unlikely to miss qualifying in this group. However, if they slip up against Fmjphoenix and Kipto-Mare, they could find themselves in trouble.

Fmjphoenix
A bit of a wild card. Like most middle of the pack teams, they play very well at times, and not so well at other times. They'll have to work hard to fend off Kipto-Mare, who are in a very similar situation.

Kipto-Mare
Kipto-Mare have an outside shot at qualifying, they'll need to be consistent against the lower half of the group, and they'll need some breaks against the teams seeded above them.

Caprine States
Here begin the unknown teams. Squornshelous has never played against any of the lower half of this group before. Caprine States don't seem very likely for any upsets. On the other hand, they probably won't drop any bad games either. Look for them to finish right where they are, fifth.

Buben
A bad run in WC 22 leaves Buben not very far above the new entries for this cup. They have a slight edge from their experience, but slight is the key word here.

Milchama
They look like a team with some potential, but they're way outclassed here.

Garinas
Here's the probable last place finisher.


Wake Up Squornshelous
Snoozing Pschychoes let Matchday 1 Slip away

A scoreless draw with the bottom seed of the group was not what was anticipated by the Pschychoes. They came out looking flat footed and unalert. With the ball bogged down in midfield most of the time, there were none of the characteristic runs from Alexander Popov or Brian Guerrero. At halftime, Manager Sergei Korolev made three switches, swapping midfielders Jorge Perez, Akbar Tsang and Marvin Oonar for Gunnar Thorsen, Peter Skritsch and Andreas Smitz. However, they found themselves unable to do much, and even when their fresh legs began find an advantage towards the end of the match, the Garinese keeper came up with several excellent saves to secure 1 point for his team.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas
MD2: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous vs Caprine States
MD4: Milchama vs Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous vs Krytenia
MD6: Kipto-Mare vs Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Syku Lyku was in Bedistan and he didn't like it. It was far too aggressive for his taste. It so reminded of the pre-revolutionary Rejistania, except that it has an infrastructure, appears not to be constantly improvising and "lanja" is no suitable explanation in most of the times. Bedistan is surely more efficient, but as sure, it is less likeable. He was in a hotel in Bedistan, which is best described by low-standard or vidjeti (budget), as it would be called in rejistanian. He started writing a letter. To make sure, it was not intercepted, he used Isesi letters. Isesi is an ethnic group in rejistania, who have a syllable-based alphabet. Syku himself does not know isesi, but he knows the letters so he used rejistanian.


Obedient greeting, honored priest,

You might have heard that i failed, but that is not right. Siki Rej once said: "First rule: have a backup!" So I did. instead of hiding one of this glorious devices in the stadium, I hid two. Additionally, I placed one in a place it should be found. This way, they did note that a person was in the stadium, but the va'karela'ny are still up and running!

Yours truely,
Syku Lyku Sike'tes

Cut off for MD2 RP bonus

From the newspaper Hello Goat!:


Ewwwwwww


Take a good look at this. Just take a good look.

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Krytenia 6 2 0 0 5:0 5
2. Squornshelous 4 1 1 0 2:0 2
3. Kipto-Mare 4 1 1 0 1:0 1
4. Buben 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
5. Fmjphoenix 3 1 0 1 1:2 -1
6. Garinas 1 0 1 1 0:1 -1
7. Milchama 1 0 1 1 0:4 -4
8. Caprine States 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2

No, you haven't become an illiterate moron, this table is right. We are dead last in our World Cup qualifying group. Somehow we were held scoreless by Buben again, as though the nil-nil draw against them in the Baptism of Fire weren't bad enough. The only thing of any consolation that can be said now is that at least those two games that we lost 1-0 were both away affairs.

It's pretty pathetic, either way, when teams that come out of nowhere like Garinas and Milchama can post an outright points lead over a team that won second place in the Baptism of Fire tournament.

The solution is pretty obvious, of course. Dangle our forwards over a pit of bubbling lava until they start creating chances instead of standing around like helpless fools. The play of our offense and even our midfield has been downright atrocious, and one has to ask where the Caprine all-stars have gone. It's possible that that inexplicable depression is still effecting our team, but why? You look at the average Caprine citizen and they'll show no difference from two weeks ago. But you look at these pools of lard that are lumbering around on the pitch and you see that they're very different from two weeks ago. The defense is still mostly effective, but our ability to create chances has gone down the proverbial toilet.

Coach Akburun has got to be sweating under the pressure his strikers are creating for him, but he shouldn't be. It's not his fault that his strikers can't score, and we exonerate him. It would probably help if he started using the whip on these boys to get them going, but apparently that's too harsh.

Whatever happens, our team needs to get it together and quickly. We play the dreaded Squornshelous squad next, and we play them in our third straight away game. It doesn't seem like it would be demanding too much from the fellows who made the fixtures to let our goats come home for a rest, but of course such demands will go unheard, and the endless travel will no doubt take its toll.

Despite this, we all know that the only thing that can bring our new team down is the team itself. Some goals will definitely help our qualifying bid. Beware, Caprine strikers, lest you fail in your duties.

Rica City Times
All the news that's fit to distribute
Villarica Squad in Tears over Draw
The amateur and college players of Team Villarica were in tears over their success yesterday in getting a draw with superpower Oglithorpia.
"This was incredible," the coach told us," I honestly wasn't expecting to do this well."

The squad was well aware of their disadvantage coming into this World Cup, having missed the Baptism in Fire and having no prior international, or even professional experience, but they still drew with Oglithorpia.
"Our team is pretty much what any other international team would have as their second or third string," said Goalkeeper Pascha LeTunga today," As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as we'd love to qualify, the best I'd expect is the Cup of Harmony. All we're doing in this cup is gaining international experience. Next year we may have hope of qualification."

The team's sole goalscorer was replacement striker Ian Hampton, replacing Lawrence Winters, who made a fairly lucky shot from the eighteen-metre box. A few good attempts were made, but Oglithorpian goalkeeper Hip Replac simply outplayed our beloved squad. Perhaps the most exciting of these attempts was by striker Percy Cavenaugh, who was in the six-metre box and had the keeper charging at him to get the ball, but waited a moment too long and had the ball taken from him.

No yellow or red cards were handed out by the referee: Lawrence Winters was hospitalized with a badly sprained ankle and a charliehorse in his right leg, both caused by a tackle from Billiam Christmas Jr., which, according to Hampton himself and the referee, had nothing wrong with it: Christmas got the ball, fair and square, said Winters in a statement from his hosptital bed. Winters will probably make it to tommarrow's match against Tichang.

The Villarican schedule looks like this:
MD3 vs Tichang
MD4 vs Tadjikistan
MD5 vs Finrods
MD6 vs Bipedal Apes
MD7 vs Bedistan

thsd:NEWS

Isserson: The Next-But-One Generation

FAR-FLUNG Garinas was the venue, while Hassan Isserson was the man of the moment. The quarter-Tadjik grandson of former manager Karim Isserson scored the only goal of the game as Krytenia squeaked past the Garinese by a score of one-nil.

The Garinas side seemed highly pumped up for the game, and had much of the early play, Barcali called on twice to make good stops. Keda and Neasden managed to get a few shots in later in the half, but it was very much a midfield struggle; goalless at half time. Thoughts of the Squornshelous-Garinas game must have been going through a few heads at this point.

The second half started pretty much as the first ended, both sides struggling in the midfield. Even a switch to 3-5-2 and the arrival of Ieuan Morland for Caleys seemed to do no good. With just fourteen minutes remaining, Krytenia looked increasingly desperate, and that's when the breakthrough came. The Garinas goalie came outto clear a backbass, however managed only to slice the ball to Isserson. Fully forty yards out, the midfielder lobbed the ball over the backpedalling 'keeper, whereby it bounced once and nestled into the net.

A sterner test next as the Caleys take on Kipto-Mare in Avidia. Tickets are still available - contact MrTicket on +144 (0) 383 421 421.

GARINAS - 0
KRYTENIA - 1
Isserson 76


MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben
MD5: A v Squornshelous
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD2: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD3: A v Kipto-Mare
MD4: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD5: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD6: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD7: A v Caprine States

Back on Track
Pschychoes back to their normal selves against Fmjphoenix

Any concerns over the Pschychoes opening performance in this World Cup were laid to rest in matchday 2, as the Pschyoes went out and dominated their match against a very talented side from Fmjphoenix. This Squornshelan team looked completely different from the one that failed miserably in front of 70,000 plus fans at Throckmorton Park in Androvela, Squornshelous. They came out very confidently and denied their opponents possession of the ball for most of the game. It appears that Fmjphoenix newspapers were right when they posted the headline, "Teh Ohnoes! Squornshelous again???" the two teams are on track for a repeat of the WC 21 storyline.
The scoring was opened in the 24th minute by Squornshelan striker Brian Geurrero, who, in classic Squornshelan style, timed a perfect run through the defense and met a pass from Yanni Zikov. With no changes to the starters from WC 22. The team has played very well together, as all of the players know each other's strengths and tendancies. Geurrero recieved the pass in stride and fired from the top of the box, putting it past the keeper for the opening marker.
The Vikings made an effort to respond just before the half, with a well constructed attack proceeding upfield. Passes between Daniels, Berry Maldonado and Nolan kept the attack moving forward deep into Squornshelan territory, but the defensive scheme of the Pschychoes, namely Dmitri Ulanych and Sam Fletcher, denied them any space in the middle of the field, forcing them to the outside. when Nolan eventually fired a shot, it came from well outside and Antropov was able to catch it easily.
In the second half, the Vikings came out with an even more aggressive strategy than their normal setup, pushing the Squornshelan defense a little harder, looking for cracks. Unfortunately for them and the home crowd, this aggressiveness led directly to the Pschychoes next goal. After a good challenge by Tor Jacobs to win the ball from Daniels. Jacobs moved quickly and gave a hard pass up to Peter Skritsch, who had been subbed in for Akbar Tsang at the half. Peter made a quick move to get by Larry Brown, a more offensively inclined player and passed quickly to Marvin Oonar. Oonar in turn passed ahead to Popov and suddenly a full scale Squornshelan attack was in progress. The most important thing for a team playing the 3-3-4, like the Vikings do, is that with only three defenders back, the midfielders have to be back to help out a lot. In this case, they were scrambling to catch up with the ball. That left Popov in the middle of the field with the ball, Guerrero pushing ahead down the right wing him, Zikov moving up the middle, Oonar ready behind Popov for a drop, and Perez running down the left side. With not enough defenders back to cover everyone, Popov found the open lob to Jorge Perez. Immediately Lieder Duran slid across the field to intercept him, but Perez cut back to the inside, passing behind Duran with a wide open shot on net. He burried it for two - nil.
The rest of the game was mainly a possessiojn battle, played out mostly in midfield. The Vikings seemed to have communication difficulties, often with not enough of their forwards back to help the midfield move the ball up, resulting in forced passes and attempts to lob over the defense, which were gobbled up by Antropov.

Final Score:
Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous

Scoring Summary
SQU: Guerrero [24]
SQU: Perez [62]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurrero: 1
Perez: 1

Region 6 Standings after Matchday 2:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Krytenia 6 2 0 0 5:0 5
2. Squornshelous 4 1 1 0 2:0 2
3. Kipto-Mare 4 1 1 0 1:0 1
4. Buben 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
5. Fmjphoenix 3 1 0 1 1:2 -1
6. Garinas 1 0 1 1 0:1 -1
7. Milchama 1 0 1 1 0:4 -4
8. Caprine States 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2


Up Next:
Caprine States:
The BoF runners up should be an interesting game for Squornshelous. No real threat, but it should be a good place to observe new talent developing. Several Squornshelan Premier League scouts will be in attendance.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous vs Caprine States
MD4: Milchama vs Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous vs Krytenia
MD6: Kipto-Mare vs Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

The Spolotikopia Sports Gazzete
Spolos Lose Again, But They're Still Not Out
Spolos 0, Spaam 1

-Jeren Stadium, Norlanse, Spolotikopia

The stadium was packed today, as Spolotikopians of all backgrounds came to watch Matchday 2 of the twenty-third World Cup. Blue and white could be seen from all over the crowd, as the fans cheered on their new team. Yet apparently, the Spolos have still not found their ground from the shaky start they had yesterday against One Red Dot. Once again, they lost a one point game, to Spaam.

The day started off crisp, breezy, and sunny. The fans all went wild in the 85,000 seat stadium as both teams jogged onto the field. Of course, Lou Fayrison, team captain and star defense midfielder, got a huge ovation from the fans. The game began with the Spolos using their new formation, the 3-5-2, to get the ball in Spaam territory. After a shot on goal by right midfielder Nathan Mann, the ball came back to the Spolos, and it kept going back and forth throughou the game. Thanks to the new contration on offense by the Spolos, they were able to keep the ball on Spaam side for longer than last game. Surprisingly, there were few shots on goal by either team for most of the game, as the defense was also playing well.

The end of the first half came, and the game was still scoreless. The Spolos were all excited, feeling that they actually could have a chance this game. It could go either way.

The second half began, and Spaam bursted out of their lockers, pumped up and confident. We don't know what kind of pep talk the coach gave them in there, but the Spaamian squad dominated the second quarter, keeping the ball by the Spolo goal for most opf the half, though still with few shots on goal. Then with ten minutes left, the Spaamian striker took a shot on goal, whichw as deflected by goalkeeper Teddy Verusci, who passed it to center back Larry Aparlioscio. Larry attempted a pass to center midfielder Steve Robinson, which was picked up by the Spaamian team. Luckily, Lou Fayrison saved the day and stole the ball, and passed it up to side midfielder Nathan Mann. Mann took a shot on goal which was just blocked by the keeper. Spaam broguht the ball upfield, and was attempting to score with seven minutes on the clock, when center back Bob Marlone attempted a slide tackle on the Spaamian forward. (OOC Note: I don't know what penalties do what, but let's assume he was awarded a corner kick.) The forward the was awarded a corner kick. He kicked it to the other forward, who performed a stuinning a bicycle kick, and scored. The last five minutes were spent by the Spolos desperately trying to regain the goal, but the game ended, and it was a Spaamian victory.

"I really think the team is improving," says team captain Lou Fayrison. "We played a better game than last game, and perhaps we can even win next game. We are learning to stup up to the international field. I'm just worried it'll be too lkate by the time we do."

"That bloody kicker!" yelled Bob Marlone. "I shoudl have ripped his bloody leg off on that slide tackle! We ahd that game! We would have bloody won! It was a fluke! A fluke, you hear me! Why next time..."

Well, it certainly proved to be an exciting game for the Spolos this afternoon. Let's hope they can win tomorrow's game.

Mike Gregory

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Villaricans end one game winning streak

VILLARICA (BT) -- Traveling to Villarica, the Ostriches were riding high after a victory against Finrods to open up qualifying. But Oglethorpia left with only one point, a surprisingly talented Villaricans squad securing the draw and thus ending the much-publicized Oglethorpian one game winning streak.

"It's a shame it all came to end like that," commented striker Anton Kremlov. "I mean, it seemed like we were invincible, and the next moment it was all over. All that work...I doubt we'll ever achieve what we had here again for a long while."

Oglethorpia led much of the first half, but a major tactical blunder led to gaping holes in the defense, allowing Villarican substitute Ian Hampton to score on Ostriches keeper Hip Replac. From there the match stalemated.

The Ostriches certainly reeled after Villarica scored the equalizer -- bringing striker Mel Memorable back into the midfield, and thus sacrificing the extra manpower attempting to regain the lead for defensive purposes.

"We had to save face," commented Memorable on his position switch. "That'd be in our image's worst interest if we were to give up another goal and lose. I fully understand Torrence 's decision there."

"I'm glad Mel [Memorable] totally understood my decision there," said Torrence Black concerning Mel Memorable's position switch. "That'd be in the side's worst interest if they were to give up another goal and, oh, say, lose."

Despite Villarica probing great weakness in the Oglethorpian national side, word is they plot ahead with little interest in changing anything.

"That's a fluke," said striker Billiam Christmas. "Next game against Bedistan, we're gonna WIN! EAT ME, BEDISTAN."

Few felt the need to point out the impossibility inherent, specifically the inability of the landmass to biologically consume a human.

"One thing you gotta understand," paused Torrence Black, with a nervous laugh, "well, Billy's form of common sense has no ground in reality. Just kidding Bedistan, we'll totally lose to you. We understand it's coming. No hard feelings?"

Indeed, the Oglethorpia Ostriches face the top-seeded Bedistan Lions, whom are poised to devour the flightless birds whole with little remorse.

"Exactly why we plan on playing the way we've done these past two," said Black in his closing comments. "The outcome looks to be the same, so we go into it just trying to not look totally bad."

The rest of Oglethorpia's World Cup 23 qualifying run is as follows.

MD 4: Oglethorpia vs. Five Civilized Nations
MD 5: Oglethorpia vs. Bipedal Apes
MD 6: Oglethorpia @ Tichang
MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Taking into account the remaining 8-14 matchdays that feature Oglethorpia at home for 5/7 MDs.

ADDENDUM!
---

"And should anyone be wondering," said Oglethorpian Premier Hughgo Gurkemann in his brief nightly address, "it's Ogl[b]Ethorpia. We could've just as easily been convinced that it was Villorico Sauve, but we weren't. As a clarification, and by no means a criticism."

Bananaton, RBA. Early Monday morning.

Throckspartle awakens to crowing of cock in distance. Sun seeps through blinds, casting narrow grid of shadows on bedroom wall. Clock says 6 am. Beloved banana picker unionist and coach sits up, thinking of breakfast and football. Sudden spear-like head ouchie lays her flat on back again.

Pain does not stop. Throckspartle screams.

Slowly, pain ebbs to dull thudding throb of magnormous doomful magnitude. With trepidation she raises self to elbows; pain, though continuous, is tolerable to stand. She stumbles into bathroom and swallows half bottle of banaprofin and cup of water. Stares in mirror, looking for handgrip of hammer lodged in skull. No hammer or other handtools visible; possible invisible hammer stuck in skull? But she feels head carefully and no apparent wound is present.

Coach thinks about crawling back into bed. Pain almost too much to stand; almost, but not quite. Today is big home match in World Cup qualifiers, Two-Footers hosting Tadjikistania Tigers. Cannot leave coaching duties to Wagfal, no matter how tempting.

Head ouchie becoming familiar but unwelcome fact of life. Ever since... ever since World Cup qualifying group announcement six weeks ago. Something strange happened that day. Something strange Throckspartle cannot articulate or clearly remember. Something strange and... Rejistanian.

What that announcement Rejistanian human man said on TV that day?Something to do with Total ‘n’ Utter Insanity. Like severe case of deja vu, Throckspartle has distinct memory of mentally preparing to face Insaniacans in opening Cup qualifier. But day after announcement of qualifying groups, something changed. Something slipped. Rejistanian man human made annoucnement on TV set and suddenly like half-melted ice cube shifting in glass, plans for Insaniacans were replaced by plans for Bedistanians.

Weren’t they?

How could be possible? No, no, not possible at all. All just a dream, or her imagination. Yet memory of planning for Total ‘n’ Utter Insanity seems so real. And head ouchie, that certainly real enough. Unless it psychosomatic. Throckspartle shudders involuntarily.

Bananaleaf Coliseum, Bananaton, RBA. Monday, late morning.

Team runs sprints in groups of four, practicing bipedal upright-walking in football boots. Mostly they pretty good at it now; RBA Footie Consolidated Association even considering adopting new footgear rule to allow use of boots in league play. Best to prepare players for rigors of international game, where barefooting not allowed.

Throckspartle head still splitting with ache. What worse, Wagfal not on field. She too sick with own head ouchie to drag self out of bed. Lacks motivation and initiative, not manager material. True leaders drag selves out of bed and make it to pitch no matter what implements metaphorically protruding from braincases.

Throckspartle do it all by self. Direct players; give advice on running style; yell at males for poor performance. It lots of work, especially for one with ginormous red pain lines emanating from head. After an hour, poor Ms. coach feeling fatigued. Trainer, Orcandum, notice her shuffling feet and downcast face.

“What wrong, Ms. throckspartle?” trainer asks her.

“Head still not right.”

“Still not right? What you mean?”

“Mean it still hurt, dodo.”

“Still? It been hurting long time?”

“Ever since qualifying groups announced.”

Orcandum stares at coach in disbelief. “That six weeks ago, Ms. Throckspartle.”

Coach nods agreement, then regrets unnecessary extra head motion. “Yes, six weeks.”

“Head should not hurt for six weeks,” says trainer, becoming increasingly worried.

Throckspartle shrugs shoulders. “Have to work through the pain,” she says simply.

“Yes, for players with minor leg injuries, that fine,” Orcandum agrees. “But working through pain not okay for six-week-long head ouchies.”

“Why not?”

“Because, Ms. Throckspartle... six-week head ouchies bad, bad things. Probably might mean you have a tumor.”

“Eeeek!” shrieks coach at sudden unexpected bad news. She had not thought of possibility of tumor.

“Or maybe something else,” Orcandum adds quickly. “But it not good. you have it checked out.”

Holding head, wondering if it possibly to feel tumor through skull, Throckspartle agrees. “I go to doctor first thing tomorrow.”

“No, no, no. No no no, you go right now, Ms. Throckspartle.”

“I can’t go now, Orcandum. Have footie team to coach.” She indicates players running sprints, who silly trainer seems to have forgotten.

“You cannot coach footie if you are dead,” advises trainer. “You best go head to doctor right this minute, and prevent imminent painful death. If still possible”

Suddenly coach feels all trepidatious and death-scared. Decides it best follow wise trainer’s advice. “But who coach the team?” she asks, preparing to leave.

“Best just leave to fate,” Orcandum says. And off rushes Throckspartle to head-ouchie doctor.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of RBA

Out of the Lions, into the Tigers

by Bonga

Bananaton, RBA - Monday evening, Bipedaleen entrants to World Cup qualification Two-Footers faced national side of Tadjikistania at home, in lovely Banaleaf Coliseum. Thirty-four thousand screaming happy apes packed stands, galumphing with joy for top representatives of Bipedaleen footie in this first Trans-border match ever to take place in RBA.

Tadjikistanian side, coming off wholesale dismantling of Tichang three weeks ago, had suggested Two-Footers might meet similar fate, though Bipedaleen players entered coliseum in high spirits, with high hopes of perhaps scoring elusive first goal of qualifiers.

Unfortunately, several hours before match time, disaster struck as coach Ms. Throckspartle had to rush off to hospital to have gigantic pain in head examined. Poor esteemed manager of Local 1033 Banana Pickers’ Union in Premiere League, and top coach of national side, nearly had head explode after colliding with metaphor on sideline. With assistant coach Wagfal also unable to attend match due to health-related poor health, side found itself directionless and without guidance mere hours before start of play.

Trainer Orcandum did her best to step up and tell players what to do, but with no coaching experience, Orcandum really had no idea how to wins footie match. Furthermore it did not help that Wonktickle, benched male midfielder whose fear of Bedistanian Lions caused trouble in previous match, learned around five o’clock that Tadjikistanian opposing side nickname is Tigers. By five-fifteen, Wonktickle had entire team shaking in footie boots for fear that after narrow escape from last big cats, luck would run out this time ‘round.

Orcandum tried best to convince players of human-ness of opponents, even going to far as to bring Tadjikistanian players across to Bipedaleen bench and offer players opportunity to touch them. But frightened apes refused, needing forcefulness of unfortunately absent Ms. Throckspartle to whack them into true understanding of situation.

With much haranguing and begging, Orcandum eventually convinced starting eleven to take pitch, but forwards hung back as Tadjikistanians began with posession, and midfielders and defenders challenged only gingerly as if to avoid angering tigers. First goal came even earlier for Tadjikistania than had for Bedistania, as Tanai scored from eight meters only thirteen minutes into match. Second goal followed on ten minutes later, as Bipedaleen defenders refused making contact with Tadjikistanian players and Zarakovsky sent a light floater between Hooboy and Hobartleby into net.

Down two goals barely haflway through first frame, and looking to be down eight or nine by match end, Two-Footers needed help desperately, and needed it fast. As luck would have it, fate providentially intervened at that moment, sending Throckspartle to Bananaleaf from hospital, which she had snuck out of against doctors’ orders.

After delivering well-deserved and highly effective headsmacks all around, Ms. Throckspartle quickly infused her players with strategic conceptualizations, and within moments Two-Footers had ceased leaking goals like dirty water seeping from cracked bathtub. Defenders pulled act together, and even forwards got in on act, Gazeboo eventually attempting shot on goal minutes before break.

When players emerged from locker room to start second half, down two goals but within striking distance, Wonktickle inexplicably looked as if crap had been recently beaten out of him. Other players looked at opponents across pitch as if with new eyes. No more tiger-fear there, now eyes glowed with desire to win. Gazeboo kicked off to begin second half with renewed enthusiasm for game.

However, enthusiasm was all destined to come to nought. Despite fine effort including several shots on goal by Bipedaleen forwards and midfielders, goalkeeper Vorozheiken denied all and at sixty-third minute, Tanai snuck in second goal of night to put Two-Footers behind three-nil. Such would remain score to end of match. Throckspartle’s return was too little, too late. Fans can only imagine how match might have gone had stupid male Wonktickle not panicked team over opposition nickname for second straight match.

Final Score:

Republic of Bipedal Apes - 0
Tadjikistania - 3 (Tanai 13, 63; Zarakovsky, 23)

Psychoed Out! Squornshelous sends Vikings back to Valhala

It was a much better effort than the previous two matches, but the Psychoes were still too much for the Vikings. In front of another sellout crowd at home, the Vikings could not turn it up the extra notch and fell a little short, losing to the tune of 2-0.

The Vikings had the first opportunity to get a goal. Larry Brown had a shot from about 30 feet out, but Antropov was on the mark all the way and slapped it out. The next 20 minutes was played around midfield, with possession swapping back and forth. At the 24th minute, Yanni Zikov stepped in front of a pass from Leider Duran and headed up. On the other side of the pitch, Brian Geurrero was running up and split the defence and recieved a pinpoint pass from Zikov who put it past Lamar for a 1-0 lead. But the Vikings were trying to make a fight for it near the end of the half, with the four-pronged attack of Berry, Daniels, Maldonado, and Nolan rushing forward. But their strong central attack could not get anything through the Squornshelous defence, basically Dmitri Ulanych and Sam Fletcher. They harrassed the Vikings front four rough enough that the only managable shot was a shot from the wing by Nolan, but it was easily caught by Antropov.

Then the Vikings looked fierce coming out for the second half. They started pressing, but the press busted all out in the Vikings face's. Daniels was coming into the box to get a shot off, but a strong challenge by Tor Jacobs saw him rip Daniels of the ball and the Psychoes were on an all out attack. Jacobs gave a hard pass up to Peter Skritsch, who had been subbed in for Akbar Tsang at the half, and he moved forth. He was challenged by Larry Brown, but eluded him with ease. Skritsch passed up to Marvin Oonarwho quickly passed ahead to Popov who eventually passed up to Jorge Perez. He was immediatly challenged with a slide by Duran, but cut back in behind him for a open shot on Powell Lamar. It took only one move to get him out and Squornshelous was up 2-0. The rest of the match was uneventful, with the Vikings only managing shots from 30 feet out that were easily taken in by Antropov.

The loss hit hard for the Vikings. They dropped down to 5th in the rankings. The team is now preparing for their next match, which is against drawing wonder Garinas, who managed to hold the Psychoes to a nil all draw in matchday 1. James Wash said that he is going to have something up for a suprise, but would not commit to saying what.

"Be prepared for something different from the Fmjphoenix camp. We have been preparing for things that might needed to be changed, and I think its time to see what we can do. Just be ready for something unexpected."

Fmjphoenix: 0 - Squornshelous: 2
None - Geurrero: 24, Perez: 62

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 1-0-1
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

Bettia Enlightener: 24th June 2005 - today's forecast: rain, rain, and yet more rain

Aroras Have Piston The Robots Chips

Robotopolis 0
Bettia 2 (Hutton 9, Warlow 76)

The Aroras did what was expected of them, cruising to an easy two-goal victory over metallic minnows Robotopolis.

Knowing they need to win games like this, manager Munir At-Tariq decided to play an attacking 3-4-3 formation, with Gabalfa Rovers striker Gethin Ward partnering Hutton and York up front in place of Musa Williams. Badr Warlow replaced Evan Brooks, who is being rested for Bettia's tough away match at Lovisa. The new look defence was marked by international debuts given to U21 star Gwynoro Tyrno'r and Akani Sands captain Ian Redpath, with John McKinnon holding things together in the centre.

Bettia won the toss and elected to kick off, and proceeded to go on the attack straight away. The front three caused all sorts of problems for the home sideand it was no surprise when Chris Hutton jinked his way through the defence and cooly slotted the ball under the keeper to make it 1-0.

From there on in, Bettia dictated the game and for long periods barely got out of second gear. Ieuan Swain and Aaron Brown often made inroads into the penalty area only to be stopped by some last-ditch defending.

Hutton went closest of all to extending Bettia's lead towards the end of the first half, after being put through on goal by some intricate interplay between himself, Ward and the ever-dangerous York. HOwever, his shot was well saved by the Robot goalkeeper.

The second half continued in similar fashion, with the Bettian front three posing a constant danger. York went one-on-one with the keeper after a lofted ball from Connick caught the defence napping. York buried the ball into the top corner with some aplomb only to be denied by the linesman's flag signalling a rather dubious offside.

Bettia finally bagged the goal they had threatened for so long on 76 minutes after Brown was fouled just outside the penalty area. Debutant Badr Warlow spotted the keeper off his line and, after breifly consulting the referee, took a quick free kick that caught everyone napping as it sailed into the net.

The Aroras held on comfortably to claim the win, which sees them lifted to third place in the Group 8 table with 4 points from a possible 6. Elsewhere in the group, Bettia's next opponents Lovisa came away with a tight victory againt Oaker to go top, whilst Lethislavania gained an easy three points at Englerica. Neighbours Nedlia fought out a 0-0 draw with Vtorbetin.

Bettia Squad vs Robotopolis

1. Ricardo DiTorino
2. Gwynoro Tyrno'r
3. John McKinnon
4. Ian Redpath
5. Aaron Brown
6. Badr Warlow
7. John Connick (captain)
8. Ieuan Swain (sub 83 mins: Abdullah)
9. Gethin Ward
10. Chris Hutton (sub 83 mins: Rosenstiehl)
11. Judson York

Unused Substitutes
12. Amir Bettison
13. Michael Ryder
15. Omar Whistler

Group 8 Schedule

MD1: Bettia vs Nedalia D 1-1
MD2: Robotopolis vs Bettia W 2-0
MD3: Lovisa vs Bettia
MD4: Englerica vs Bettia
MD5: Bettia vs Vtorbetin (Thamitra Gate Stadium, Tamrida)
MD6: Bettia vs Oaker (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD7: Lethislavania vs Bettia
MD8: Nedalia vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Robotopolis (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: Bettia vs Lovisa (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD11: Bettia vs Englerica (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD12: Vtorbetin vs Bettia
MD13: Oaker vs Bettia
MD14: Bettia vs Lethislavania (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)

Firing Blanks


Hypocria 0 – 0 Tonissia


Confidence was high in the Hypocria camp ahead of the away fixture in Tonissia. The Titans had already won away in Chicanada and another win on their travels, at lowly Tonissia, was taken for granted by many Titan fans. But football is a funny old game. It was no surprise that the coach kept faith with the same eleven that had done so well in Chicanada but they just never really got going.

It was a poor game with few real chances, unsurprisingly the stadium started to empty long before the final whistle. The first half was particularly disappointing, with neither goalkeeper forced to make a save. There were a couple of efforts of note. Shirko had a snapshot that went narrowly wide while Burdali tried his luck from distance but only succeeded in hitting a Tonissia fan full in the face twenty rows back.

Business picked up slightly in the second half. Veron broke down the left and drove the ball across the face of goal only for West to miss connecting by millimetres at the far post. Burdali had started to find his range but his 20 yard effort was well saved by the keeper. Tonissia too had chances but found Ricardo Kindelan in uncompromising form. Coach N’Dungu-Nsungu made chances, Dospel replaced West to add more height to the attack and then Liberda was introduced to add a third striker to the front line as the formation changed to 4-3-3.

In the dying minutes the three points could have gone either way. The homes fans were brought to their feet as Yaso played the ball into the box. It bounced once before being hit on the half volley by veteran forward Billy Lee Douglas but Kindelan managed to claw the effort away. Blake cleared long to Burdali who raced away. He crossed into the box, onto the head of Dospel. The big striker looped a header goalwards but Garra, at full stretch, turned it over the crossbar. The corner was defended easily by Tonissia and it proved to be the final action as the referee blew to end the contest.


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake
7. Petras (replaced by 18. Powell, 71)
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
14. Drakes
20. West (replaced by 16. Dospel, 65)
21. Veron (replaced by 10. Liberda, 71)


“We could have played for another ninety minutes and still not scored”, the coach said afterwards. “It was just one of those matches. But we have four points from two away games and the defence hasn’t conceded a goal yet so I’m very happy.”

In the other group games Sarzonia stay top despite being held to a goalless draw in Raptor Claw, Chicanada got their first points of the campaign after a 1 – 0 win in Lucianic and Druida went to Kajiztahn and beat the group whipping boys 2 – 0.

It’s a four way tie at the top of group 9 with Sarzonia, Druida, Hypocria and Raptor Claw all on four points from their first two games. Chicanada are a single point behind the leaders, Tonissia and Lucianic both have one point while Kajiztahn prop up the rest as the only team yet to get off the mark.


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 4 1 1 0 4:0 4
2. Druida 4 1 1 0 2:0 2
Hypocria 4 1 1 0 2:0 2
4. Raptor Claw 4 1 1 0 1:0 1
5. Chicanada 3 1 0 1 1:2 -1
6. Tonissia 1 0 1 1 0:1 -1
Lucianic 1 0 1 1 0:1 -1
8. Kajiztahn 0 0 0 2 0:6 -6


The Schedule (Group 9)

MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Titan Dome, Hypocrium)

Hockey Canada gets 2nd straight win to jump into 1st.

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
Hockey Canada 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
3. Total n Utter Insanity 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
4. Jeruselem 3 1 0 1 2:1 1
5. Spaam 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
6. Spolotikopia 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 2 0:4 -4

Is this possible? Hockey Canada tied for first in World Cup qualifying? It seems that way with them tied for first with 6 points and +3 goal differential giving them a tie for the lead with One Red Dot. The Canucks kept Kassyyk at the bottom of Group 10 earlier today with a 2-0 victory to boost them from 2nd to 1st. But the game seemed much different in Kassyyk as 52,400 fans crammed intot he tiny stadium to see the 2 teams battle it out.

The game started just as Hockey Canada had wanted to play. System Karela worked wonders as it has always done for the Canucks when they were awarded a free kick in the 6th minute when Hockey Canada was awarded a free kick just 20 yards away from the Kassyyk net when Mike Ko was tripped with the absence of a card being shown. But instead of the usual Yanic Perrault kick, it was keeper Kyle Thomas to line up for the shot.

Thomas had the kick for the first time in his career and didn't disappoint as he punted the ball high over the Kassyyk wall of six players behind the diving keeper into the back of the net for his first career goal. His first goal in his career is a Hockey canadian record as the first keeper to score for Hockey Canada. The game resumed though as normal.

In the 21st minute, Rahul Kulkarni managed to slip in by the Kassyyk defender to run in on the Kassyyk keeper for the shot and hopefully the goal. But the keeper managed to hold his own by making a brilliant save to challenge Kulkarni and hold the ball tightly in his arms. The keeper managed to drop-kick the ball safely out of harm's way into midfield.

The 34th mintue finally had some hope for Kassyyk when they pushed up all their forwards and a few midfielders to try to crack Thomas. One shot from 17 yards out was easily saved by the keeper, the rebound came and once again Thomas was there. The third shot was saved brilliantly by Yanic Perrault who used his chest to keep the ball out of the net. A fourth shot was saved by a diving Thomas who held the ball and kciked it upfield.

Hockey Canada caught a lucky break in the 43rd minute when sloppy play by the defenders left a 2-on-0 break for the Kassyyk strikers. Thomas came out to challenge but he only managed to take out one of the players before passing to the wide open one. Ike Broflovski saved the day when he slid into the net to keep the ball out with his left foot for Thomas to quickly take control of and kick out of harm's way. The half ended 1-0.

Unheard of at the start of the tournement, Evegeni Zimin managed to take a place on the starting lineup of the Hockey Canadian squad and didn't disappoint in the second half. In the 61st minute, he made a bold rush seeming to run through the whole Kassyyk team deep into their half before crossing the ball to a running Petr Sylanko who was cheating up witht he play. A quick touch with his head was too much and the ball sailed inches over the crossbar.

The 79th minute also had promise for Zimin when he blasted the ball out of the Hockey Canadian end to Timmy "Timmah" Johnson. "Timmah" Johnson took control of the ball and from over 40 yards out took a shot that resembled a cannonball being fired. The wind gave the ball a bit of curve and managed to mess up the Kassyyk keeper's position. A good touch to punch the ball over the crossbar still kept the game with Hockey Canada one goal ahead.

Hockey Canada got their goal in the 92nd minute when unheard-of John Cormack rushed the ball deep into the Kassyyk half. Stumbling a few times as he kept running, he seemed like a massive unstoppable blur. His 6 foot 4 frame must have intimidated 2 players on the Kassyyk defence as they let him walk in on the keeper and took a light shot from the 8 yard mark to seal the game with a win for Hockey Canada.

Next on the list for Hockey Canada is 3rd place Total n Utter Insanity. The much higher ranked team will have a hard time stopping hockey canada with the momentum they have in this qualifying tournement.

Hockey Canada- 2
Thomas (6)
Cormack (90 +2)

Kassyyk- 0

Voice: "So how's it going?"

Unnamed helper: "Well Hockey Canada got another win, so our supply should make it any day now."

Voice: "How is it coming?"

Unnamed helper: "Um... by iceburg."

Voice: "Wouldn't it... melt?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, yes. But we have a tracking device on it, and we hoped that you might be able to intercept it. Otherwise we'd have to float it all past Vilita, and then we'd end up with either warm beer, or no beer at all."

Voice: "Quite. So then what do we do with it?"

Unnamed helper: "A plane should be landing on your island very soon. It's a refrigerated plane, so it should keep the beer cool. Then we just need to get the pubs to sell it. "

Voice: "And have you found many?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, er... no. They all seem like they'd rather be selling beer-flavoured beer as opposed to water flavoured."

Voice: "Damn. Is there no way you could sell it to them? Add your own flavour, perhaps?"

Unnamed helper: "That's a good idea actually. I'll try it!"

Harlesburg claim Win
Pedriana 0 Harlesburg 2

After a first match draw with Haperd Harlesburg went into the match against Pedriana with high hopes.
Although their first up performance was scratchy at best they did show glimpses of class and the game against Pedriana was the time to see if it was real or not.And so in front of 26,000 Fans supporting Harlesburg and nearly as many supporting the Pedriana team on a high from their hard fought battle against Wella the atmosphere was building.

Pedriana got to make the best of the early exchange of formalities namely the coin toss after Harlesburg called tales and it landed on heads,with this Pedriana chose to go with the sun to their backs not that the sun would affect any of the plays through glare as it was too early to cause any serious problems for either teams Goalkeeper.

Harlesburg kicked off and quickly made a break down the left flank through some weak cover cruely exposed by Fredderick Roberts of Fredericksburg Farriers Fame after his short burst he made a one two pass with number 10 Alexander Wertson allowing another 12 yards before enough Pedrianian numbers slowed the impetus forcing him to cross into the centre where a flying lunge from the Keeper punched the ball away.

Then in the 28th Minute after both teams had exchanged 4 shots on goal a piece the ball landed at Kirk Freeman's feet he quickly hacked it up towards the lone man at the half way Lerrick Jones who now had two defendders in front of him he shuffled the ball about trying his best to keep them from snaffling the ball from his possesion and as they both closed in for the kill he squeezed a pass down the line to a rampant Fillo Pastry who quickly came back in and lined up his shot which came cleanly off his hoof at a rate of Knots......
THWACK
the goal shuddered as the ball kept climbing and hit the woodwork a chance gone begging.

At half time it was nil all but Harlesburg looked to have the stronger position of the two teams although Pedriana were coming off the handy win against Wella.Pedriana restarted and quickly set to work trying to expose a weakness in the Harlesburg defensive setup but it was tight and they eventually lost control after some intense pressure from the left right and centre with the team claiming 4 Corners in the 6 minutes they were in the Harlesburg half.

Chudd Micheal Murried was down the left wing and Keeper Micheal Chapworth immediatly spotted him hurling the ball in his general direction Murried worked the ball past the Pedarian Left Wing and then crossed it across to the waiting feet of Daniel Derrick on the other side who centered the ball to percision onto the head of Olaun Sallasan who knew as did everyone else that he had scored!!!!

Harlesburg had taken the lead for the second time in two games but this time they didnt look like giving it up and they continued to apply pressure on the opposition till the 78th when the changes started to come on with Derrick Jaresten for number 10 Alexander Wertson and Micheal Dornerger in the 82nd for Charles Bompmore.

Thus Harlesburg had replaced 1 striker and 1 offensive minded midfielder with 2 defenders and showed the intention of closing the game.
But in the 86th minute Harlesburg broke lose and after working their way to the front from the great class that is Lerrick Jones he was tapped on the foot from behind and a free kick was awarded.

Both teams went about setting up their wall and then Daniel Derrick went about trying to combat this obstacle he hit the ball hard with enough bend to get around the wall and it hit the post high up on the join now it was a mad dash to retrieve it and as Dornerger was following up he got there first and chipped it over the advancing Keeper.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!1![SIZE=2]
Harlesburg ad sealed the game.

SCORERS
Sallasan 54th min
Micheal Dornerger 88th min

In other Pool 2 Action Wella lost out to stron Pool favourites Turori 1-0
Artoonia got reminded of their position in World Football getting dragged through 90 minutes of pressure by a rampant EL CID THE HERO squad who claimed a 3-0 victory
Riegab remained winless and pointless after being shown the back of the net twice by Haperd 2 losing 2-0

Harlesburgs next match is against The World class outfit from Turori and they may surprise after their last 2 outings although any points would be hard earned the coin toss might help if they can win it for the first time this Cup.

1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: Turori vs Harlesburg
MD4: Harlesburg vs Wella
MD5: Harlesburg vs Artoonia
MD6: Riegabvs Harlesburg
MD7: EL CID THE HEROvs Harlesburg

Jeruselem Government News

Insanity prevails! but not by much

Match day 2 of World Cup XXXIII in the qualifiers. Jeruselem took on the mighty TnUI and lost but was not disgraced. TnUI escaped with a rather narrow 1-0 win over our boys (and girls) in a great game where both teams defended very well considering the talent of attack in the teams. In the end one goal seperated the teams and TnUI does not invulnerable at all.

In the other games, the favourites won - but narrowly. One Red Dot beat Antarcticanada 2-0 which was repeated with Hockey Canada doing the same to Kassyyk. These rookies are not giving up and the scorelines reflect this. Spaam beat Spolotikopia 1-0 to get their first points.

So far in Group 10 scores have been 1-0 or 2-0 with no draws! Day 3 will repeat this or will the teams break this pattern so far?

Jeruselem 0 Total n Utter Insanity 1
Antarcticanada 0 One Red Dot 2
Spolotikopia 0 Spaam 1
Kassyyk 0 Hockey Canada 2

Tigers make profit.

Last nights match was definetly a gain for the Tadjikistan Tigers, the only side in group 4 to win its game. Even Bedistan failed to win from Five Civilized Nations, a team that many believed, would be easy pray for the Bedistan Lions.

The second Tadjik victory was secured on th field of Bipedal Apes, or 'Two-footers' as they call themselves. These Two-footers appeared to be afraid of the Tadjik players, thinking them to be real Tigers, even when some Tadjiks were brought to the Two-Footer bench and shown to the Apes they did not trust the situation and feared the Tadjiks.

It would have been dumb to sit and wait until they opened they eyes for the truth, so the Tadjiks took the lead through goals from Tanai and Zarakovsky and controlled the first half.

Near the end of the first half one Ms. Throckspartle showed up in the stadium who seemed to be an Alfa male (or female), a leadership figure that inspired the Two-footers and came up with strategies for their team. It brought them close to a first goal but Vorozeikhin stopped them.

During the break the Two-footers conquered their fear of the Tigers and played completely different, much more agressive. They wanted to score their first goal of these qualifications.
But they never got through the Tadjik defense, while Tanai scored on the other side of the field, this second and Tadjikistans third of the match sealed the Two-footers fate who sunk back and only defended for the remainder of the game.

Surdeyev now prepares his team to take revenge for a long forgotten match in an even longer forgotten U21 world Cup. And he's probably the only one who remembers the score of that match, but we believe he is going to let Finrods remember his name in a , for them, negative way.


Five Civilized Nations 1 Bedistan 1
Bipedal Apes 0 Tadjikistan 3
Tichang 1 Finrods 0
Villarica 1 Oglethorpia 1

Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 6 2 0 0 8:0 8
2. Bedistan 4 1 1 0 4:1 3
3. Five Civilized Nations 4 1 1 0 4:2 2
4. Oglethorpia 4 1 1 0 3:1 2
5. Tichang 3 1 0 1 1:5 -4
6. Villarica 1 0 1 1 2:4 -2
7. Finrods 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3
8. Bipedal Apes 0 0 0 2 0:6 -6


Fixtures
MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Sights need recalibrating

Tramontina – Spruitland: 0 – 0

Spruitland’s second World Cup 23 Qualifying match ended the same way as the first one, in a scoreless draw. But while the 0-0 in Oceaice could’ve been considered a success, the same result against unranked Tramontina can only be seen as ‘two points lost’.

“Yeah, this is not what we were hoping for,” coach Cor Bensen said. “I can’t really blame the team, the effort was there. But we missed some sharpness in the finishing department. If you want to win, you have to score goals. That’s a cliché if there ever was one, but it’s true.”

With 27 shots on goal of which 23 were off target, one hit the crossbar and three were saved, we could indeed speak of a severe lack of finishing prowess. Both Dirk Jools and Jan Wolters were replaced halfway into the second half, but Kidder and Thorsen did not fare any better.

“I don’t know what the coach was thinking,” Dirk Jools fumed. “Why would you want to substitute someone with my talent? No wonder we didn’t score. Yeah, I missed a few, but gimme a break, for cryin’ out loud. I still would have scored at least three times if he had just left me on the field.”

“Just one of those days,” Jan Wolters shrugged. “The pitch wasn’t too great, but that wasn’t the problem. And it wasn’t nerves either. Most of the time I struck the ball just the way I wanted to, but it still went nowhere near the target. Not much you can do when that happens, except keep trying.”

The strikers kept trying, unsuccessfully, much to the frustration of the 300 Spruitland supporters who made the trip to Tramontina. As the match progressed it became clear that this was not the Wabbits’ day, and fear of a late home side goal to make the disaster complete grew steadily. Luckily Simon Briers – recovered just in time from his hand injury – stopped a last minute shot from a Tramontina striker to avoid that.

Hoping to turn the tide, coach Cor Bensen has scheduled some extra shooting practice before the next match. With two difficult matches ahead, out to Crystilakere and home to Nova Britannicus, the Wabbits will need to make use of every chance they get if they want to come away with anything at all.

Stars can't claw ahead, 0-0

The Sarzonian national football team ran into a buzzsaw today in the name of a Raptor Claw team that has been a traditional member of the football establishment. Despite an offense that put intense pressure on Raptor Claw, the Stars couldn't dent the scoreboard. The only brightspot for the Stars? Goalkeeper Horace Sandt didn't allow a goal.

"This match was the toughest we've played since the Bedistan win," Coach Dave Wilson said. "Neither team would give a millimetre out there."

Indeed. Sarzonia's defence stiffened after brief, but strong flurries to open each half by Raptor Claw and Sandt made five saves to notch yet another clean sheet. The Stars (1-1-0, four points, first place Group 9) have not allowed a goal in the run of play during World Cup competition since Turori scored during the quarterfinals match won by Sarzonia in penalites.

"It's too bad we didn't get that one goal," Sandt said. "We'll be there when it's over."

Wilson said he was considering shifting to a 3-5-2 formation or even a 3-4-3 to generate more scoring chances, suggesting that his confidence in Sandt is growing. A team source, speaking on condition of anonymity, agreed that it was because of Sandt that Wilson was thinking of the radical change.

"When you've got a guy who has allowed three goals in the run of play in 19 matches, you're bound to be confident in him," the source said. "Sandt's played 1,740 minutes and has allowed a total of three goals. That says a lot about how good he is because we're not playing defensive-minded football."

Hockey Canada's update on Group 10: Matchday 2

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
Hockey Canada 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
3. Total n Utter Insanity 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
4. Jeruselem 3 1 0 1 2:1 1
5. Spaam 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
6. Spolotikopia 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 2 0:4 -4

Jeruselem 0
Total n Utter Insanity 1

TnUI is undefeated but surprisingly for them they're not in first coming out of the gate. jeruselem's hard-fought loss still has them with a +1 goal differential thanks to a 2-0 win over Kassyyk. Total n Utter Insanity had better watch out behind them seeing how Jeruselem and Spaam are closing in fast on them.

Antarcticanada 0
One Red Dot 2

One Red Dot continues to keep rolling over teams in the World Cup Qualifications, and they're not letting up on the rookies apparantly. Antarcticanada suffered a 2-0 loss at the hands of One Red Dot only propelling ORD into a tie for first place with Hockey Canada. Antarcticanada had better start getting ready if they expect to make a good showing in the qualifications.

Spolotikopia 0
Spaam 1

After losing to Hockey Canada, Spaam learned not to take the lower-ranked teams lightly. The win over Spolotikopia would only help them rebound from the loss to put them in 5th in Group 10. Spolotikopia, now sitting in 6th place will need to get at least one win if they want to finish respectable. Spaam just needs a few more to stay with the other teams.

Kassyyk 0
Hockey Canada 2

Kassyyk is sitting at the bottom of Group 10 and doesn't look like they're doing much to improve on it. Their two straight 2-0 losses early in the campaign show signs that they're slowing down already. Meanwhile, Hockey Canada is making the most of their qualifications by jumping into 1st place in the Group tied with One Red Dot. The next game against Total n Utter Insanity will define if they can compete with World Cup teams or not.

Tikhonov was back in his office with his assistant talking about the beer transport.

T: How goes the beer to Druida?

A: Well sir... as it meets the tropics, the icebergs seems to be melting slowly.

T: Bah! First we give them our best keeper! Then beer! Now they're complaining about the ice?

A: It's not their fault sir, it's a little thing called "heat"

T: Heat eh? Strange in Hockey Canadian vocabulary, but we use it to stay alive.

A: I also hear they're flavouring the beer?

T: Flavoured-water flavoured beer? What is this world coming to?

A: I don't know sir... but a few alcolholics have crashed a place into the iceberg to drink.

T: Stop them!!!

A: We did, they didn't defile the purity of the beer.

T: Well that's a releif, so you think nothing else will un-purify it?

A: Seagulls.

T: What on earth is a seagull?

A: They're annoying warm-weather birds. They tend to poop on things.

T: So...

A: *sighs* They'll go in the beer.

T: Think of them as prizes for the drinkers. Wet black and white prizes.

A: The health department will think differently.

T: Good point... declare open seagull hunting on the Hockey Canadian Iceberg of beer.

A: Why not the alcolholics.

T: Ummmmmm, they were cast away on a tropical island as we were talking.

A: Well, maybe Greenpee can help.

T: Nah, they've had it in for me ever since the seals declared open hunting season on the south-western part of Hockey Canada (Located near Baffin island)

A: Why don't get Druida to just pick it up for you?

T: What a great idea! Maybe they thought of it already!!!

A: I'm sure they did.

T: Money fight!!!

Tikhonov ends up accidently killing his second assistant and disposes him in a snowbank outside where he won't be found until global warming (yeah right!!!) heats the poles.

Insanician 1: So who did you hire for the new sports reporter job

Insanician 2: Some Hockey Canadian dude.

Insanician 1: Oh my God, have you read any Hockey Canadian reviews, or should I say overviews.

Insanician 2: Not really, I was high when I gave him the job.

Total n Utter Insanity's update on Group 10: Matchday 2

Region 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
Hockey Canada 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
3. Total n Utter Insanity 6 2 0 0 2:0 2
4. Jeruselem 3 1 0 1 2:1 1
5. Spaam 3 1 0 1 1:1 0
6. Spolotikopia 0 0 0 2 0:2 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 2 0:4 -4

Jeruselem 0
Total n Utter Insanity 1

TnUI won but isn't where they would have been if they had won by more which is surprising. Jeruselem lost, but because they won by more on the first match day they is still above 0 on Goal Difference, funny how that works. TnUI had better watch out because Jeruselem, who just lost to them and Spaam who also lost on the first day are closing very quickly.

Antarcticanada 0
One Red Dot 2

ORD keeps winning, but they didn't win by enough for first place solo. Antarcticanada had better stop being a noob if they want to win.

Spolotikopia 0
Spaam 1

After being big fat losers, the 2 inch high Spaamanians decided winning was a good idea. For the blind readers who can't see the table we posted at the top of the article Spaam are now in 5th place in Group 10. Spolotikopia will now need at least 1 win if they want to be ranked lower that Lanky dude. If Spaam wins they might qualify.

Kassyyk 0
Hockey Canada 2

Kassyyk suck. They really suck. Again for our blind readers HC is now in joint 1st with ORD. HC is gonna die horribly when they play TnUI next.

After deliberating with the Hockey Canadian delegation, unnamed helper has been flown in from Druida in the refrigerated plane...

Unnamed helper: "So where is the supply of water-flavoured beer we ordered?"

"It's on the iceberg, keeping cool."

Tikhonov: "It's on the iceberg, keeping cool and being pooped on by seaguls. Anyway, what is this heat thing?"

Unnamed helper: "Oh, that's just because you have to pass Vilita on the way into Druida. Vilita's tropical, so the iceburg would melt as it passes through the cove. Druida, however is temperate. Still not cold enough for icebergs, though."

Tikhonov: "And what is this we hear about you trying to flavour our water-flavoured beer?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, in Druida, drinkers complain when their beer doesn't taste as strong as it usually does. Something called watering down. But don't worry, Druida is a lucrative market. It's 90% alcoholic!"

Tikhonov: "What? Where is this place? Can we get a pipeline? We could make a fortune!"

Unnamed helper: "Well, we'll see how the first lot goes, eh?"

Tikhonov: "Uh, OK?"

Unnamed helper: "By the way, I spoke to your assistant earlier. Where is he now?"

Tikhonov: "He's... uh... asleep. Where's your assistant?"

Unnamed helper: "Oh, President Smith doesn't know what I'm up to. Never does..."

...and with that, unnamed helper flies off to find the iceberg.

Starblaydia Still Top
Zaragoza goes Two for Two

A routine win that sent a bunch of Canadian freaks to the bottom of Group 1 kept Starblaydia at the top on Goal Difference over former World Champions Crystilakere.

Surachai Buathiang and latest striking sensation Florencio Zaragoza bagged Starblaydia's goals, though there was nothing particularly special about them. Buathiang's low left-foot finish from the edge of the area started off the win after just fifteen minutes. Zaragoza scored the second and decisive goal on forty-six minutes, killing off any chance of a Canuckian comeback.

Zaragoza's bullet header slammed in off the underside of the bar after a pin-point Santiago cross, ending any opposition that Starblaydia's opponents could think about mustering.

"It was routine, I'll admit that," said Starblaydi manager and striking great Nikola Lazerevski, "but it's always nice to have two wins from two. Flo is starting to give me a selection headache, which is something every manager likes to have - too many good players."

Group 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Starblaydia 6 2 0 0 5:0 5
2. Crystilakere 6 2 0 0 3:0 3
3. Nova Britannicus 3 1 0 1 1:2 -1
4. Oceaice 2 0 2 0 0:0 0
Spruitland 2 0 2 0 0:0 0
6. Tramontina 1 0 1 1 0:1 -1
7. Reichsdeutschland 1 0 1 1 0:3 -3
8. Anarchist Canuckistan 0 0 0 2 0:3 -3

In other news, former world Champions Crystilakere defeated Starblaydi neighbours Nova Britannicus to keep pace with 6 points from two games. As was expected, the two top teams in the group have begun to break away already, with the Bluebirds tagging along behind as the best of the rest. Another interesting note in the run-up to a World Cup in the home of Karela is the Oceaice and Spruitland statistics, lining up neatly on 2 points each with no goals for and none against. Well, if you won't be able to get to Rejistania, you might as well try and play like them.

Always a good photo oppurtunity, Charlie thought, get an ex-player to have a little kickabout with a politican and some children.

Royal Seaford, a future Hall-of-Famer for Nova Britannicus if ever there was one, flicked the ball of his track-suited shin, perfect for the regular-suited politican to head. After a not particularly wonderful display of balance, the Montepool politican managed to head the ball, knock it up with his thigh and volley it lightly to the nearest child, who flicked it up a few times with his toes before passing it to the rest of the children.

The TV cameras and photographers were lapping it up, which was exactly what Charles 'Charlie' Worsley had wanted. The people of Nova Britannicus - ever a nation for obvious nicknames - really enjoyed their football, and every politican with a press officer who had half a brain would associate themselves with successful sports. And Royal Seaford, scorer of six goals in the World Cup Finals over twelve years and second on the all-time Britannican scoring chart with 28 goals for his country, was certainly sporting success. Especially at a time when Crystilakere had just decimated Britannicus' finest two-nil.

Charlie's mobile phone chirped in his suit pocket. That special ring-tone so he knew exactly who was on the other end before he picked it up. Which was just what the caller wanted, of course.

"Y'ello?" Charlie said cheerfully. "Aye," he replied. "really? Okay," he continued, "will do," he finished, "buh-bye now."

"Roy," he called, "job's done, got anuvver one for ya."

"Oh?" Seaford said.

"Aye," Charlie explained, "big guy says so. Some place I've never 'eard of."

Time: 5:26PM
location: ECFA head office

Doomhammer is next to the water cooler getting a drink. S.Sam arrives next to him with a rundown of the group stages.

SS: Right. The GWB's (group whipping boy’s) are out of the way. It Haperd next.

DH: Perfect. What has our bugs picked up?

SS: Bad news sir. The courts our on to us.

DH: how did they find out. The bugs are designed to blend in with the environment.

SS: I believe I’ve found the answer sir. KIRBY!!!

A tall man with mop like hair and a Hawaiian shirt begins to move closer. He appears to be laid-back and to have a limited grasp of reality.

SS: this is Kirby. He is our chief science expert.

K: hey their what seems to be the problem?

DH: why have our bugs got detected?

K: because they were painted bight pink.

DH: Well that explains the…pardon?

K: pink. It a cross between red and white. We get some blue if you really…

DH: WHY THE F**K WOULD ANYONE PAINT HIGH-TECH SPYING EQUIPMENT PINK!!!

K: because it looked pretty. Duh.

DH: how did you because our science expert?

K: everyone else was afraid of failure.

DH: and you were confident?

K: Nope. I just didn’t care.

SS: you see my point

DH: indeed, what else has he done?

K: well I also invented the rockets boots. It allowed the teams players to get anywhere on the pitch instantly.

DH: is that why several players feet exploded?

K: indeed it is.

DH: we got sued for 500million CM each. All that money is coming out of your pay.

K: your have to increase my pay to 200000CM a week.

DH: that’s what I’ll do then.

K: pay rise yaaaaa

DH: …Your game is a tricky one.

"...and only a late penalty from Tony Orr could save some amount of honor for the Lions, who crashed to a 1-1 draw against Five Civilized Nations. Mike Davidson on the match:"

"Well, you know, that was really a perfect example of why 5CN are where they are today. Everyone's been taking this team too lightly, not considering them a threat, and now we've just done the same. In all honesty we should be happy with that point because we certainly didn't seem to be playing to win today."

"Anyway, that's all the time we have for now. For BSTV Sports Today, I'm Mike Green III. See you next time."

"All right, all right, lunch break's over!" Simpson's voice quickly ended Quimby's bit of relaxation and brought him back to reality. Quimby had been working himself to the bone lately. As a senior investigator for the BBI (Bedistan Bureau of Investigation), his job had recently ramped up quite a bit in difficulty. First there were some breaches of border security up in the north, along the part of the border that used to touch the Lowland Clans, but that was sorted out fairly quickly. It was a big embarrassment for the Corrections Ministry, though, when that Britannican dude busted out of Graceville Prison. They were still looking for him. And now with the Rejistanian terrorist and all, Quimby rarely got an opportunity to sleep, much less spend any time with his family. Quimby sighed.

"All right, boss, what's the scoop?"

"Scoop is, we've got some more information on the whereabouts of this Dave fellow."

"Nova Britannican kidnapper Dave, you mean?"

"That's the one. Got an anonymous tip saying he's been seen in Nova Britannicus."

"Well, that's pretty unusual...a Nova Britannican going to Nova Britannicus, of all places. How long did it take us to figure that out again?"

"All right, wise guy, if you think you're smart enough to handle this, I'm sure you'll have no problem with me sending you up there to look for him."

"Well, you see, the thing is--"

"Your flight leaves from Marchese International at sixteen-thirty sharp. Non-stop to Widdrington, you'll board at Gate Thirty-two. Give us a call when you get there for further instructions." And with that Simpson left.

Quimby just stood there, dumbfounded. You have got to be kidding me...

"Hello, and welcome to another episode of Behind the Locker Room: Sport off the Field. Today we're going to be looking at the Assistant Coach of the national football squad, the lovely Ms. Juliet Bonaventure. She allowed one of our associates to wear a hidden camera and follow her around during her rounds; let's see the footage!"

The camera is slowly approaching an oddly-lit building that is completely unmarked. One can see what appears to be Ms. Bonaventure's shadow right in front of him. They enter the building and the lighting certainly doesn't become any less odd. In the corner of a window there even appears to be a red light like the sort found on police cars. Before the camera can focus on this too much, however, an exceptionally homosexual man approaches the two.

"Well well well! You know in all my years in the business, I don't think I've ever seen a man and a woman who don't work for me come in together! Oh wait! I take that back! It actually happens more often than you would believe! So what sort of companionship would you like tonight?"

"Actually," went Ms. Bonaventure, "I'm the Assistant Coach of the national football squad. My visit isn't of a personal nature."

The gay owner quickly raised a hand to his cheek in surprise. "Well slap me and call me stupid! I didn't even recognize it was you! And let me say, darling, you are even more scrumptious in person. Hell, if I were younger, you just might be able to turn me back to the other side for a few minutes!" He giggled for a moment and went on. "All right, Ms. Bonaventure. What can I do for you and your friend here?"

"Well, Mr.--"

"Oh! I'm so sorry, Ms. Bonaventure. I'm Jerome Hegelstein. I just got so excited that I couldn't help but forget to introduce myself!"

"All right. Anyway, Mr. Hegelstein, I would like to hire out some young ladies and gentlemen to travel with the national squad."

"Oh! They're going to be for the players?"

"Yes."

The owner giggled some more, "I always wondered how some of those guys could keep so focused!"

Ms. Bonaventure smirked and handed the man a piece of paper, which presumably contained the names and preferences of the unmarried fellows on the squad, followed by her business card. "Give me a call if you think you can furnish the request. Thank you for your time, Mr. Hegelstein."

Hegelstein eagerly shook hands with the hottest thing since sliced bread (and everyone still agrees), and the fellow with the camera and Ms. Bonaventure left.

The broadcast then cut to excerpts of an interview with Ms. Bonaventure.

"It seems like the most ridiculous business, but these fellows have had to play schedules they're not used to and they won't have any significant amount of time to really rest or be with their families. This is obviously not the best solution, but it makes it so there's one less thing on their minds while they're out there on the pitch, and it's about all we can do considering the schedule that we have been handed."

...

"Oh yes, things would definitely be different if this were a team of human players. Everyone has a libido, certainly, but the goat's libido is... more insistent. I don't think this would be as effective if the squad were composed of humans, and the chance that the whole thing backfires is too high to risk doing it with them, I would think."

...

"I've gotten used to those sorts of compliments, yes. I'd like to say they just roll off, but I still feel a bit flattered when someone tells me I'm attractive. Hopefully that sort of thing will make me a distraction for other squads, who aren't used to seeing me every day. Especially Squornshelous. I'd really like to throw them off with both football and my good looks; it would be very satisfying to pull an upset over them after their repeated dismissals of us, and I'm happy to help our cause however I can."

...

Stay tuned for more secret coverage of Juliet Bonaventure! But first, enjoy these commercials for products that make our economy grow!

a letter received Syku Lyku, who still is in Bedistan. it says: "Wake the dogs!" Syku Lyku went to the stadium and apparently spoke a few words in his cell phone. No picture which would cause distrust if not... Rejistania has no cell phone network. In the stadium, the va'karela'ny started to run on high intensity.

MD3-RP-cutoff

The Spolotikopia Sports Gazzette
Spolos Win First Game!
Kassyyk 0, Spolos 2

Today was an amazing day of firsts for the Spolos, as they finally scored their first two goals, and won their first game.

-tag for later-

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER
TIC TAC TOE, THREE IN A ROW
Svecia open stongly in a group of oddly named countries

Gaian Ascendancy, Kutch, Kericia, Paul Sculthorpe fans,
Sonaron, Vilita, The Weegies. Those are the names of Svecia's Group 3 qualifying buddies. So far, the Lightning are off to a cracking start with victories over the Paul Sculthorpe fans, Kutch, and The Weegies. Svecia is used to playing in groups with rather new and obscure countries, but this year's group certainly beats them all. And hopefully Svecia will too. Beat them all, we mean. In case you didnt get our clever segue. Everyone laugh. Haha. Ha.

"You always throw such great match-night parties, Tiberius," Armando congratulated his host, "it seems to bring us luck."

"I don't know about luck, Armando," Tiberius replied warmly, "but I do enjoy hosting them."

Of course both men knew that Tiberius threw, at best, an average party. It was his loyal staff who made it excellent. For all their power and status, the ability to roll up their sleeves and get down to work was a feeling all to removed from their daily lives nowadays, despite their best attempts.

The atmosphere in the Protector's Mansion was perhaps better than it had been at the Oceaice match itself. A few extravagant guests had come dressed as pirates, adding to the fun and frolics in the room, y'arring their way through 90 minutes of average football. It was broken, thankfully, by a cynical tackle from behind on Zhorin Tumunzahar, who's gold-booted form had tumbled halfway across the penalty area. Captain Gbenga Ogunniya had stepped up for the penalty and confidently side-footed it into the top right-hand corner with surprising power.

"Anything good on the grapevine?" Tiberius asked, becoming slightly more serious for a moment.

"There's a job going down in Spruitland, I think," Armando said, 'knowing' rather than 'thinking', "Britannicans up to their usual tricks, apparently, or so a little jaybird tells me."

"Keeping your ear to the ground, as per usual," Tiberius said with a glint in his eye. The machinations of people like Armando were always of interest to him.

"Vines and Birds aren't often on the ground," Armando said, looking out the window, obviously distracted, "you have to pay attention to hear them."

"So I've noticed."

"Right," Dave said, rubbing his hands together, "where the hell am I?"

Jaehaerys looked up into the sky, half-squinting towards the sun. He looked back down at his watch and turned to Dave, who was still wearing his clubbing gear from the night before.

"Well," he said, his Starblaydi accent obvious to all but the least observer of the English language, "I'm a little south of where I was before that plane dropped me off - he gestured to the rapidly departing propeller-driven aircraft, "but as to our exact location, I have no idea."

"Where are you from, then?" Dave asked, getting no response other than a frown from the Starblaydi Special Forces Captain.

The tiny airfield that they had been dropped them off at had but one hanger and an air traffic control 'tower' that closely resembled a garden shed with a radar attatched. Jay and Dave stepped inside, seeing a rather rusty-looking cargo plane, outside of which a rather large ammount of nifty-looking equipment was placed outside it. This included, most obviously, a frankly-enormous gun-metal gray-coloured Humvee. Sitting at the wheel was a frankly gorgeous woman, something which was not lost on any of the now five men present.

Dave checked his breath against the cupped palm of his hand and, smelling nothing, walked over. To the right hand side, of course, as this was a 'car' made for the Britannican market.

"Alright, darlin'?" he said with a cocky swagger, "think you can handle this beast?"

Keira merely stared blankly at him through her dark, round sunglasses. Putting the vehicle into reverse she darted back a few feet, cracking Dave's hand on the wing mirror. She quickly accelerated fowards and, dodging Dave neatly this time, swung the Hummer round in a handbrake turn, the better to load up the equipment into the van. All present were impressed.

For the record, and those not paying attention to the previous installments may wish to know the five men and one woman who will be crammed into this Hummer for the duration.

Charlie Worsley - A former (some would suggest current) crook working for the Nova Britannicus Football Association. Once spent rather a long time in a Vilitan jail.
Dave - Former head of the Druidan Intelligence Services (International Oxymoron Award Winners) and World Cup 21 Commentator. Currently wanted for breaking out of a Bedistani jail after imprisonment for kidnapping.
Jaehaerys Fyreskar - A Captain in the Starblaydi Special Forces, the Venators. Once assassinated a Xilean General live on TV.
Keira Hamilton - Britannican adventurer, archeologist and all-round super-babe.
Royal Seaford - Former Nova Britannicus striker, 2nd in the all-time Britannican scoring charts with 28 goals.
Yandaki - A mysterious Guru from parts unknown, the major player behind the stealing of the Sinijiil and the Boots of Banda.

A motley crew if ever there was one. Nothing to do with Tommy Lee though, you understand. As we fast-forward the packing of Clothes, tents, biologicaly-sealed containers, testing equipment and - shock of all shocks - a few guns. Roy even smuggled a football aboard, while Dave managed a Gameboy.

Oh and don't forget a liberal helping of Nova Britannicus replica shirts, scarves and the odd noise-making equipment (rattle, horn, air horn, etc.).

The plane's departure location was unknown to all, just as One, Two and Four (Three wasn't happy, but went along anyway) had directed. This plan, of course, was blown out of the water when Jay and Keira began flying the plane. Those NBFA clowns, can't get anything right. The destination? New Brux International Airport, Spruitland.



Postscript:

Seeing how Dave and Charlie were trying to figure out how good the Hummer's sound system was, they accidentally found a football report from the Nova Britannicus Versus Anarchist Canuckistan match.


Post-Postscript:

Nova Britannicus won 1-0.


Post-Post-Postscript:

Quentin Bentley scored the goal, and to save any further P.S. installments, he scored in the 32nd minute on the half-volley from 20 yards, and he plays for Iskara Daii in Starblaydia. Nova Britannicus are third in Group 1, just behind Crystilakere.

"Are they like, goats or something?"
An easy win by the Pschychoes and some odd quotes

Squornshelous strolled to a 3-0 victory over BoF runners up Caprine States. The match was even more one sided than the Pschychoes matchday 2 outing, with Caprine States only recording 6 shots, and only 3 of those on target. After the game, substitute defender Mike Roberts, who was obviously under the influence of something made several negative remarks concerning the opposing side. Mike began acting oddly shortly after halftime and was asked to leave the sideline by officials and the Squornshelan managers. He had been wandering around on the side and shouting incomprehensibly at the crowd. After the game, he delivered a semi-coherent interview:

Reporter - Mr. Roberts! What happened to you at halftime today.

Roberts - I don't get it.

Reporter - You don't know why you were sent off?

Roberts - Huh?

Reporter - You were sent to the locker room, why was that.

Roberts - I don't get it man.

Reporter - What don't you get?

Roberts - Are they like, goats or something?

At this point a member of the team training staff escorted a stumbling Roberts away from the area open to the press.
The game itself was really over withing the first 20 minutes. The opening goal was notched by 35 year old veteran Yanni Zikov, the team's elder statesman. Zikov intercepted a 9th minute pass from one defender who had just stolen the ball from Brian Guerrero and fired a moment later. The Caprine goalkeeper couldn't react in time and the ball hit the back of the net. Merely 11 minutes later, Zikov started off another scoring play with a quick move to beat a midfielder and passed ahead to Guerrero. Guerrero dribbled toward the top right corner of the box and then lobbed the ball across to Alexander Popov. Popov, who is arguably Squornshelous' greatest striker of all time, and one of the best the game has ever seen, played the ball on the volley and beat the keeper in the top corner.
After this quick pair of goals, the Pschychoes backed off, playing a more defensive strategy for the rest of the first half. This allowed them to easily defeat the attacks by the Caprine midfielders and forwards. Down two goals early, the CS players began to get desperate for something to keep the game from getting out of hand. This led to sloppy passing and dribbling, and even a few players who tried to make too much happen before passing. In each case, Squornshelous quickly regained possesion.
After the halftime break, Caprine States looked calmer and less desperate, playing a lot stronger. For a few minutes it even appeared that they would score, but good play by the defense in keeping the ball to the outside made it difficult for anyone to seriously challenge Antropov. Then, in the 54th minute, (forward) broke through in the middle, evading a Dmitri Ulanych tackle and fired a shot from 20 meters. It looked like it had the speed and targeting to score, but Antropov made an amazing diving save, seeming to twist and change direction in midair, to punch the ball clear to Tor Jacobs. Jacobs immediately booted the ball upfield where Jorge Perez recieved it. Perez then sprinted up the left wing, and crossed the ball in to Brian Guerrero, who headed it towards the goal. However, the Caprine keeper was on his toes and in the right position. He was able to punch the ball away. It came to Perez again. Instead of shooting, Perez passed out to Petr Skritsch, whose good play off the bench has earned him a starting spot in place of Akbar Tsang. Skritsch fired from the top of the box and the ball flew past the keeper, who was still getting to his feet.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Zikov [9]
SQU: Popov [20]
SQU: Skritsch [55]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 1
Perez: 1
Popov: 1
Zikov: 1
Skritsch: 1

Group 6 Standings After Matchday 3:

Group 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 7 2 1 0 5:0 5
Krytenia 7 2 1 0 5:0 5
3. Fmjphoenix 6 2 0 1 2:2 0
4. Kipto-Mare 5 1 2 0 1:0 1
5. Milchama 4 1 1 1 2:5 -3
6. Buben 3 1 0 2 2:3 -1
7. Garinas 1 0 1 2 0:2 -2
8. Caprine States 0 0 0 3 0:5 -5


A scoreless draw between Krytenia and Kipto-Mare helped Squornshelous steal a share of the lead. However, that won't last long, with the two group leaders meeting in Matchday 5. Fmjphoenix have were also helped by the Krytenia - Kipto-Mare result, lifting themselve into third place with a 1-0 win over Garinas, who are really turning out to be quite a team, allowing only 2 goals in three games against the top three teams in the group. Look for them to put a scare into Kipto-Mare in Matchday 4.


Up Next:
The Pschychoes play cup total unknowns in Matchday 4: Milchama. We know so little about this team, we've brought Jorge the Amazing Talking Monkey back from retirement to predict the outcome.

Jorge the Amazing Talking Monkey says:
Frankly, I don't really care what happens in this game. In my opinion, these Milky guys have no chance whatsoever, their gonna get totally wiped out. Now give me my damn money.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama vs Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous vs Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare vs Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Terminators 3-0-0
Wins over Liamist States, Invincible BoB and NEWI Cefn Druids

Liverpool England have gotten off to a three-game winning start in their quest for the World Cup 23 finals. Two 1-0 and one 5-0 wins have put the Terminators atop Group 5 on Goal Difference from Audioslavia, whom Liverpool England play on Matchday 5 in the first of four matches against opponents from their WC7 finals debut, with MD7 against now-fifth seeds Kingsford.

[OOC: Brain freeze, more will come]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


More of the same

Crystilakere – Spruitland: 0 – 0

We’re not sure if we’re supposed to be thrilled or disappointed. The Spruitland Wabbits are still undefeated in their entire international career. Eight games – five at the Baptism of Fire, three in World Cup 23 Qualifying – three wins, five draws. Not too shabby.

And if anyone had claimed in advance that the Wabbits would be undefeated after three WC Qualifying games with zero, nil, not a single goal conceded, they’d have gotten a smack in the head and their car keys taken away from them. Especially with all three being away games, and two of them to teams that are ranked higher than Spruitland. So yeah, that’s not too shabby either.

Problem is, they haven’t scored a single goal either in those three games. Three scoreless draws, nil-nils, 0-0s, not a damn goal in 270 minutes, not even one of those scrappy clutter goals off a corner or something. Not for a lack of trying, though.

The Tramontina game really should have been a win. A big win, even. Loads of chances, loads of shots on goal, but none went in. Heck, very few were even close to the target.

The match in Crystilakere, well… Before the match, many would undoubtedly have signed for a 0-0 draw against the top seed of Group 1 and sixth ranked nation in the world. But after the match, Spruitland supporters couldn’t help feeling the team had missed a golden opportunity.

It wasn’t quite as one-sided as the Tramontina match. Crystilakere did put up a bit of a fight, but nothing near as what could have been expected of them. Over-all, the match was a fairly even affair, with Simon Briers more than earning his pay to keep his sheet clean once again. And the Wabbits had half a dozen huge chances, but the ball refused to hit the net.

Jan Wolters scooped the ball over the bar from three meters away with the goalie down and out, Dirk Jools did great to shake his marker but then headed the ball weakly into the keeper’s hands, and Balt Luyckx’ free kick – usually a potent threat – sent the ball crashing straight through a car window on the stadium’s parking lot.

“Happy with the point, not happy with the two points lost,” coach Bensen summed it up nicely, but he refused to comment on the measures he plans to take to get the Spruitland strikers scoring goals again.

“Not much we can do,” Jan Wolters shrugged. “Just keep trying. It’ll go in eventually. When you’re on a streak like this, it gets to be a jinx. Hope we can break it in our next match. We’ll be playing another tough opponent, but at least we’ll be at home, so maybe that helps.”

Dirk Jools was unavailable for comments after the match, possibly because he was too busy trashing the Wabbits’ dressing room.


MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
Up next…
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus

-----------------------------------------------


Meanwhile, in the Royal Palace in New Brux, Spruitland…

King Alfons I switched off his big screen tv and tossed his miter through the room in frustration.

“That piece of shit Wolters! How the hell can you possibly miss that?!”

He wanted to curse Dirk Jools as well, who had been equally ineffective, but he liked the kid, so he got up and kicked the couch instead. And then he screamed and started jumping around on one leg. As he hopped through the room, he managed to steer himself towards the buzzer and pressed it as he went by. Within seconds, the Royal Assistant appeared.

“You buzzed, Your Highness?” the 18-year old half-naked girl asked with a slight bow.

“Ice!” the King bellowed. “Ice! A bucket full!”

“And bring me the phone as well!” he added, as the girl whisked away.

Minutes later, the Royal Foot was plunged into one of the Royal Buckets filled with ice from the Royal Freezer, yet this was not enough to cool down the Royal Temper. His Majesty almost broke the Royal Phone as he dialed a number.


On the other side of the country, Miguel Schuyler, CEO of Spruit Inc, the nation’s main supplier of agricultural and narcotic products, was reluctant to pick up the phone, because he knew who it would be. He, too, had been watching tv, and he had been sitting by the big, red phone that was built into his desk from the moment the match had ended.

After several minutes of silence Miguel had dared to hope the call would not come. When the phone finally did ring, he knew the delay was not a good sign.

“Your Majesty! Great match tonight!” he tried, but he cringed from the King’s reply for the next thirty seconds.

“Yes, perhaps His Majesty has a point –”
…
“- of course, yes, His Majesty certainly has a point, that’s what I meant, naturally –” And then he cringed again as the King asked the question Miguel had known would come.

“Excellent, Your Highness! We’re making marvelous progress!” he said, thanking the heavens the connection was audio only, wiping the sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief.

“Well, no, not quite that much progress, but -”
…
“- yes, but there’s this tiny little issue with the –”
…
“- true, Your Highness, but we’re doing the best we –”
…
“- I don’t think that’s a realistic deadli-" And then Miguel cringed again, holding the phone a few inches away from his ear.

“Yes, Your Highness… Certainly, Your Highness… That’s a great idea, Your Highness…”

Miguel put down the phone and took several deep breaths, tossing the soaked handkerchief on the floor. Hands shaking, he pressed the intercom.

“Jenny? Alert the team… His Majesty is on his way…”

Berry puts one home as Vikings defend against the suprise of Garinas

James Wash had a big suprise in store for his fans and people watching the squad closely. Fmjphoenix is known as an offensive juggernaught, not a defensive squad. So it was the shock of many when they came out in a 3-4-3 instead of the 3-3-4 that they had used many years. Matthew Maldonado was relegated to substitute and Eli Grimm moved into the starting eleven as Fmjphoenix played with two wingers for the first time in over 20 years. The extra midfielder allowed more defensive flexability and they helped maintained a 75% possession rate throughout the entire match. But when it mattered the most, Shelly Berry was in the right place at the right time to put one home and give the Vikings a 1-0 victory over Garinas.

The match started off with yellows handed out to Hud Lawson and a Garinas forward as they battled for the ball and they both started shoving. After the players calmed down, a good match was underway. The first shot was attempted by Mike Nolan, but was wide right. The most of the playing was taking place in midfield, with tons fo passes going between Nolan, Berry, and Daniels. But there was enough of a break in the time that the Garinas attack managed to put the pressure on Powell Lamar. But Lamar played like a stone wall, deflecting 3 shots that were dead on as if he had a baseball bat. Even though the Vikings held the ball for 30 minutes of the first half, Garinas had more attempts than the Vikings, with a 5-3 advantage. It wasn't until the second half though that the Vikings came up. Right out of the gates, the Vikings went on the attack. Shelly Berry ran up unmarked at all and recieved a pinpoint perfect pass from Nolan from across the other side of the pitch and lofted a ball over a charging keeper in the 52nd minute. After the goal, Wash changed formations again, sending Grimm to play wingback and Nolan moving into the midfield as the replacement winger. Yes, it was the shock of the world, Fmjphoenix is playing in a 4-4-2 formation. After a final attempt by Garinas in the 64th minute, they never touched the ball again, as the Vikings played suprisingly good karelan football. As the match finally ended, there was shock resounding all over the stadium as newscasters and reporters rushed forth to try and find out why the sudden changes. All Wash said was things would be played differently yet be played the same.

With the victory, Fmjphoenix has moved back to third place in the group rankings. Next up is the first away match for Fmjphoenix, where they will travel to the runners-up of the Baptism of Fire, Caprine States. Wash has an idea of what he plans on doing against them, but has not committed anything to the news. Statwankers are not sure what to expect when the Vikings head to Caprine States, but all they expect is some interesting tactics.

Fmjphoenix: 1 - Garinas: 0
Berry: 52 - None

Vikings Scorers:
Berry: 1
Nolan: 1

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 2-0-1
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas Win 1-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

The Nedalia Lions

Three games, three draws, and a team yet to see their home soil. That is the situation the Nedalia Lions find themselves in after 3 games of their WC 23 Qualifying campaign that has started off in a rather bizarre manner for them. Forget the fact that whether they are competing against a relative newcomer (Bettia) or the runners-up from the last World Cup (Oaker) the result remains the same, the fact that not one of these matches have been played in the Kafra International Stadium remains a mystery that has completely baffled the team and its fans.

“I mean, it’s not that we’re complaining, because regardless, we have to play our home matches anyway, but I’m just alarmed that we haven’t played one yet,” commented Lions new head manager Randy Gamman.

He does raise a valid point, but what is encouraging to this team that fared so poorly in its first campaign is that it has managed to take 3 points (from a possible 9) for its away games, not too shabby a record considering the situation they were in last campaign. In fact, if the team can come a way with a few victories at home, they have a legitimate chance of qualifying to the World Cup in their 2nd go at it.

“We just got to keep training hard and we have to get the results when we get back home. That’s the most important thing, to get those vital points in front of our home crowd in Kafra. If we can achieve that, then we have just a good a chance at getting to the World Cup than any of the teams in Group 8,” said new $30 million Marine Coast United signing Nene.

Nene has thus far scored the only goals for Nedalia in the campaign, hitting one against Bettia and one against Oaker in their latest game. The team has conceded just one goal in the 3 matches and has scored 2, which is a complete 180 degree turnaround from what we are used to. The Nedalians have forever been known for their flair and their love for attacking football, but this campaign has shown an incredible knack for defense from the team. Captain Cole Zenith has been in sensational form, and his counterpart, including Hans Lamm of Honsfield Athletic have been equally spectacular. The offense, however, with the exception of Nene has been incredibly stagnant, including superstars Yamtech and Mattan of Druidian club Parkville.

Despite their relative lack of goals, there has been much optimism coming from the camp, and there has been a general feeling that qualification is within reach. They are already 6 points behind the leaders, but they still have all of their home games to play. Who knows with this team.

Stars starve Hyppos, 3-0

The last time Sarzonia met the Hypocrian national team, the defending World Cup title holders were playing their first competitive match since their magical run through World Cup XXII and stumbled against the up and coming Hypocrian side. This time, with Horace Sandt in goal in place of the young Harvey Cooley, the Stars played like a team with revenge on its mind and dominated from beginning to end, 3-0.

"We're facing a tough challenge from Druida so we can't afford to give up points," Coach Dave Wilson said. "Hypocria is a tough team and we knew that coming in. We played up to the level we expected."

The Stars (2-1-0, seven points, first place Group 9) did that thanks to pinpoint service from midfielder Darwin Russell, who is embracing his role as the team's playmaker and dead on shooting from forward Brian Wilson (two goals) and Bruce Badger (one goal). The Stars also played stifling defence, shutting down Hypocria on only two shots on Sandt. The Stars outpossessed the Hyppos 61 minutes to 29.

"We didn't want to let up on these guys," Brian Wilson said. "The longer you leave a team in the game, the more they think they have a chance to win it. We didn't want them to get that chance."

With Sandt notching another clean sheet (19 in his last 22 matches), not many teams would have had a chance against the Stars.

In darkened room lay sad ape, damp icepack draped across forehead little comfort. Pain had been constant companion for near three months. Best physicians in Republic could do little for her; death, it seemed, would be her only relief. Poor Ms. Throckspartle. Tear rolled surreptitiously down her jet-black cheek. But not tear of self-pity; tear of frustration, tear of pain.

Shuffling sound in room nearly made her raise head from linens; almost, but not quite. Had been same for weeks and weeks. Strange pains; strange sounds; strange visions. Pains had been first, but was not long before the rest began as well. Around time of footie match against Tadjikistania... day she had to go to hospital, doctors confined her to bed, and she flouted orders and stumbled back to coliseum in futile attempt to help team to victory.

That was first night she saw devolved apes.

Memory made her shudder even now; not least because she had been visited by them again, and again. Horrid semi-upright creatures. Like chimps twisted in furnace, mishapen and nasty. They shrieked, beat chests, threatened and spat. Harbingers of evil fate, them. But that not worst part. Worst part was, no one else saw them.

Her private hell.

They came at night, they came by day. She might be sleeping, or working, or simply eating or resting. Then suddenly from round corner of room, she could hear them: shuffling, knuckle-walking, chirping in semi-talk like animals. They would appear before her, shrieking. Calling. Calling name. ‘Throckspartle! Throckspartle!’ Accusing her.

“Ms. Throckspartle?”

Soft, articulate voice and use of title startled her out of reverie. No shrieking simian in room: was... Throckspartle squinted in darkness.

“Ms. Hildybroo?”

“Yes, it me.”

Throckspartle fell back in bed. “What you here for? Time for sacking?”

“Sacking? Certainly not! What make you say that?”

“RBAFCA bigwig in charge of financialistics comes visit you in hospital room, you naturally expect sacking.”

“I came to tell you how Two-Footers played tonight.”

“Tonight?” Throckspartle thought hard, but could not remember date. Or even year.

“World Cup qualifier. Third match, ‘gainst Five Civilized Human Nations.”

Throckspartle shook head. “That not right.”

Confused, Hildybroo waited. But Throckspartle not continue. “Um... you want know score, Ms. coach?”

“Score?”

“Five Civilized Nations of Humans score.”

“Five Civilized Nations?”

“That right, Ms. Throckspartle.”

“They think apes not civilized?”

“Don’t think name of their country has anything to do with RBA, Throckspartle.”

“How can you be in five placed at once?”

“What?”

“How can you be in five places at once?” Throckspartle sat up again. Face had strange expression, barely visible. As if she didn’t see Hildybroo at all.

Like she looking right through me, Hildybroo thought. But Throckspartle was not looking through her; Throckspartle was watching as demi-ape crept up behind her, clear as day, and cracked her over head with rock. Throckspartle watched in mute terror, unable to move or help, as ape broke open head of poor Ms. Hildybroo.

Throckspartle screamed. Startled, Hildybroo screamed too.

“What wrong?! What wrong, Ms. Throckspartle?”

Throckspartle blinked. Hildybroo was back.

“Doctors say I have hallucinations,” Throckspartle said, voice hoarse.

“Doctors say nothing wrong with you, coach. No tumor. No concussion.”

“Doctors no damn good!”

“Maybe you need super-esteemed human doctor look at you,” Hildybroo suggested. “Bipedaleen tech not so hot, you know?”

Throckspartle shook head. “Nothing wrong with me,” she said. “Nothing doctors gonna find, anyway.”

“What you think it is, then?”

“Don’t know... don’t know.”

“Um.”

“Didn’t you come here to tell me something?”

“Oh. Yes, I come to give you footie score.”

“Go ‘head.”

“No score. All goose eggs.”

“Huh. We still didn’t score yet?”

“Nope. But got first point in tables.”

“Well, that something. Guess.” Throckspartle collapsed into bed again, wondering how long before primitive apes returned. “You better go,” she said. Last thing she needed was watching Hildybroo get brains knocked out over and over.

“Um... okay. Anything I can get you?”

Throckspartle shook head. Hildybroo waited respectful time before leaving. Poor Ms. Throckspartle, she thought. Poor Ms. Throckspartle.

Bipedal Times
RBA newspaper for Trans-border consumption

Hortensil leads Two-Footers to not-loss

By Bonga

Open Plains, Five Civilized Human Nations - With consecutive back-to-back three-nil and nil-three losses in opening matches of World Cup qualifiers, RBA Two-Footers travelled to esteemed Five Civilized Human Nations. With wide grassland of Five Nations similar to RBA veldt, players felt at home the moment they disembarked banana boat last week. Fine upright-walking humans of host nation did best to help apes feel at home, offering them many bananas and complimentary fur-grooming invention known in advanced human countries as “comb.”

So was with especially neat and shiny fur that side stepped onto pitch at Grassland Arena on Open Plains before some 50,000 screaming Five Nations supporters. With Throckspartle still in hospital following strange malady which overcame her last month, coach of side was Ms. Hortensil, manager of Federated Banana Mills side in Bipedaleen premiere league. Hortensil decided to start same eleven Throckspartle relied on in first two matches, although Wonktickle was finally allowed to take field despite earlier disgraces.

Mathc was not one to dwell upon, however. Both keepers did fine job, and Hobartleby posted first scoreless match of qualifiers. Unfotunately, Two-Footer strikers were no more effective than in previous games, and through three, side still has yet to record first goal. Draw will earn RBA one point in table, lifting them from bottom spot. With top three sides in group now accounted for, perhaps elusive success will finally be found.

Final score:

Five Civilized Human Nations: 0
Republic of Bipedal Apes: 0

Dmmmmmm! S! S! N!

And welcome back to World Cup football here on the Sonastra Sports Network. A dissappointing but not unexpected result for our boys here in Lovisa, going down 2-0 to a good team. Stuart Abdul-Rahim is with me here in the studio. Stuart, your thoughts?

Thank you. You were right there, that was rather dissappointing. After such an assured display against Robotopolis, they came here with plenty of confidence, and they started this game where they left off. Hutton had that supurb chance after 14 minutes that was well-parried by the home keeper, then York realy should have scored on the half hour.

So what did you think of their first goal?

You've got to admit, that was something special wasn't it? The way he turned and ghosted through our boys was sheer magnificence. And as any pro will tell you, the best time to get a goal is right before half-time.

Now onto the talking point of the second half - should Bettia have had a penalty? The referee said no, but lets just look at the replay again... Swain cuts in from the wing, floats the high ball into the area looking for the head of Harding, and the Lovisa central defender appears to use his hand to glance it away. What do you think?

For me, that was blatant. He should've been sent off for that, and it's no wonder our boys were so furious there.

But what about the actions of manager Munir At-Tariq? Was he right to do what he did?

What, you mean 'accidently' letting Tiddles off her lead and telling her to bite the ref? Oh, I tell ya, that was brilliant. Sure she took a chunk out of the ref's shorts after a short but comical chase around the pitch, but I'm sure he'll see the funny side. Heh, that's two victims for our Tiddles now - she's on a roll!

And what about Lovisa's second goal right after that hoo-hah?

Well, Bettia were obviously rattled by the penalty-that-wasn't, and Lovisa took full advantage. It was such a soft goal though - Musa Williams mind apeared to be elsewhere, playing their centre-forward onside in such an obvious fashion. He hasn't had the best of games, and it was no suprise when he was subbed for Gwynoro Tyrno'r. What a revelation he's been so far - a very solid debut against Robotopolis where absolutely nothing got past him, then he came on and really steadied the ship. That last gasp tackle when their centre forward looked to be adding another goal to his tally was brilliant. I dare say a lot of team managers will be sitting up and taking notice.

If we take a look at the group table, we see Lovisa and Lethislavania are starting to run away with it with 3 wins out of three. Bettia and Oaker are five points off the pace with four points each. Next is Nedalia on 3, having drawn all of their games so far, together with Robotopolis who came away with an excellent away win at Vtorbetin, who are on just one point.

Next up for Bettia is Englerica away, and our boys really should win this one. Englerica are rooted to the foot of the table, zero points, zero goals. But can they put this defeat behind them?

Jeruselem Government News

Rookies impress but faves win on

World Cup XXXIII, day 3. Results from Group 10 where Jeruselem is playing.
No score blowouts - just the current trend of close scores and the rookies not being trashed badly.

Antarcticanada took on Jeruselem and lost. Not by much as the defensive Antarcticanada lost 1-0 with striker Jennifer Hawkins scoring the winner for Jeruselem late in the 2nd half. It wasn't a pretty game but Crusaders took out the 3 points nevertheless. Jeruselem have two close wins and a close loss to TnUI which is not bad really.

Group 10 is going as expected but scorelines have been close. No thrashings and the norm of 2-0 and 1-0 scores but very few draws. It's been a weird World Cup so far.

Spolotikopia beat fellow rookie Kassyyk 2-1 to get a win and it was close. It was the highest scoring game of Group 10 - 3 goals. One Red Dot and Spaam fought out the FIRST draw in Group 10 and it was one of those horrid scoreless ones. For Jeruselem, this was a good result. TnUI rolled on crashing Hockey Canada 2-0 in a competitive game but TnUI was the better team as reflected by the scoreline.

Jeruselem 1 Antarcticanada 0
Kassyyk 1 Spolotikopia 2
One Red Dot 0 Spaam 0
Total n Utter Insanity 2 Hockey Canada 0

The Daily Druid

WHERE'VE WE SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE?
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Druida 0 Chicanada 0

Now, I don't want to sound as if I'm angry, but in two games at The Hole so far in qualifying, there have been no goals. Not one. Well not officially, anyway.

You see, we appear to have had the same referee twice. A certain Mr. Laksu Kynsu has refereed both games at The Hole so far, and has now disallowed thirteen goals. If it had been any normal referee out there, then the game would've ended three-all which, if coupled with the 5-2 win Druida should've had in their opener, would've had us level on points with Sarzonia, not two behind.

But Mr. Kynsu insists on helping the defences out, and yet another 0-0 at The Hole ensues. What would've been an absolutely fantastic game to report on is spoilt by him.

And apparently, this isn't only happening to us. Spruitland have had three games so far with not a single goal in any game. We suspect that Mr. Kynsu is not working alone here. But, for now, Laksu Kynsu is the biggest villain in Druid football... well, ever! Unfortunately, I get the feeling that we might not have seen the back of him yet.


DRUIDA LOOK TO HOST WC24
By Bill Posters

World Cup 20 co-hosts Druida have announced yesterday that they are actively looking for a co-host for World Cup 24. Though no-one has been approached officially as yet, the DFA have made it public that they are looking for someone to put a bid forward with.

However, details of the bid are as yet unknown, though it is thought that a slightly modified version of the formula used at World Cup 20 could be used for scorination.

Harlesburg Stumble
Turori 2 Harlesburg 1

After keeping it close for a large portion of the game it was all in vain for Harlesburg as they evetually went down to a methodical Turori team expectant of an overwhelming result something they could not do however as Harlesburg were able to give them some trouble for long parts of the game.

Harlesburg started off with a roar putting some early pressure on the Turorian Defence something they knew they needed to do if they were to have a chance at toppling this mighty team but after 16 minutes of tooing and throwing Harlesburg couldnt keep up with the pace of the game.

Turori had their chance and took it scoring off a deep penetrating move that sliced through the Harlesburg defence like a hot knife through butter and eventually putting the ball in the back of the net.

Now it was Harlesburg's turn to come back into the game and they did that in the 34th minute by some neat work between the left wing Pedro Sanchez and his counterpart on the other wing Lerrick Jones.

As Sanchez darted from his wing inside Jones came back inside also and the two formed a point where they intersected at this stage a wide gap opened up for Fredderick Roberts to come through and he raced into the open space leaving him one on one with the Turorian Keeper he sloted the ball into the top left corner of the net and it was 1 a piece.

Harlesburg kept it close to the end of the 1st and into the 2nd till the 54th minute when the battle turned after some imense pressure from Harlesburg on the Turorian goal with 3 succesive corners each being desperatly beaten away by the Turorian defence.

But after this it was no more glory for Harlesburg with Turori closing the game down for Harlesburgs brief and intermitent sortes into enemy territory while each of their excursions seemed to get longer and longer than than the previous and in the 78th minute Turori pulled away once again with another goal and so it finished with a Turorian win 2-1 after a valiant yet frutile effort from Harlesburg.

Roberts 34th minute

In other news from the pool EL CID THE HERO claimed another victim shuting out Haperd 1 to 0
Pedriana overwhelmed Riegab in a strong performance neting 4 goal is the process and holding Riegab to 0
Wella who Harlesburg play next had a convincing win over fellow first timers Artoonia 3-0 showing a touch of class unexpected of them.

MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: Harlesburg vs Wella
MD5: Harlesburg vs Artoonia
MD6: Riegabvs Harlesburg
MD7: EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg

Jaehaerys landed the plane - quite expertly, it should be noted - at New Brux International Airport in Spruitland, before taxiing to the allocated parking space where they could unload their vehicle. There, another ordinary Britannican pilot had been placed to fly the small cargo plane back to Nova Britannicus, it's job completed for the moment. They went through customs and were on their way down the roads of Spruitland.

The question that might spring to one's mind first is 'how did they, a group of six odd-looking characters, clear customs with a Humvee containing such assorted items as guns and biological containment devices?'. This question would also show that you've been paying attention recently. Well the answer is simple, at least it is in Spruitland. The trick is to only arrive once all the customs officers are sufficently stoned, through Spruit or plain-old marijuana methods. Then a conversation that goes something like this.

"Alright, dudes!" You say to begin with, then indicate yourself and your companions. "Are we cool?"

"S'cool, man," says the customs officer.

"Nice one," you reply, "have a good one."

This easy-to-use, three-step technique works most times, expect perhaps when you have a gorgeous woman in your party, in which case use the following emergency procedure:

"Look at that chick," says the officer, "she's a real fox."

"Hey," says one of your party, perhaps the oddest-looking one, "please be looking your eyes over there!"

Once sufficiently distracted, get in your Humvee and drive off with all possible haste. By the time they turn back around, you will be gone from sigh and probably from memory. So, using these techniques, Charlie and Yandaki managed to get the party to clear Spruitlander customs without any trouble.

With Keira driving, Jay in the front passenger seat and Dave squeezed expertly bewteen them, Charlie, Roy and Yandaki made up the back seat. As they progressed down the roads, Charlie leaned forward and produced a memory stick, compatible with the Hummer's sound system. Dave slotted it into the appropriate spot and after a few moments, a voice they all recognised came over the speakers.

"Greetings," it said, "first of all you need to knoew which direction you're going. It should be west, towards the Spruitlander city of Sativa."

"Bugger," Keira said, taking the briefest of glances in her mirrors before throwing the Hummer into a handbrake U-turn, before continuing westward, back up the road, "sorry."

"Right," the voice continued, "Now you've found it on the map and should be on your way. You're heading for a little-known facility on the eastern edge of Sativa, where Spruitlander bio-engineers are creating something to give them an edge in the World Cup Qualifiers. As we all know, Nova Britannicus is always looking for that extra bonus too, though for World Cup Twenty-Three we've decided against the more super-natural machinations of Guru Yandaki, and gone the more scientific route."

Yandaki sighed inwardly, wondering if he'd be able to get any super-naturism done at all.

"This facility, perhaps supervised by King Alfonso himself," the voice said. "is dedicated to the produciton of genetically modified football skill-enhancing vegetables. They famously cross the Brussel Sprout with the marijuana plant, and now they're chucking all sorts of performance-enhancing drugs into vegetables, trying to get the right combination. The six of you are going to do the following..."

Stars Shine


Sarzonia 3 – 0 Hypocria



The last time these sides met Hypocria escaped with a battling 1 – 1 draw but history was not about to repeat itself. For the game in Sarzonia coach N’Dungu-Nsungu made the unusual decision to replace his favoured 4-4-2 formation with a much more defence minded 4-5-1 system. He also dropped both his first choice forwards and brought in defensive midfielder Luc Sinclair and big striker Wolfgang Dospel. This tactical move spectacularly backfired as the Titans (or Hyppos if you prefer) failed to adjust to the new system and were outclassed from beginning to end.

With Darwin Russell pulling the strings, the Stars ripped into their opponents and scored three goals without reply. Forward Brian Wilson hit the two, the first goals conceded by Hypocrian keeper Kindelan, and Brian Badger, who scored the Sarzonian equaliser the last time the side met, added a third. In reply the Titans could only trouble Sandt twice. Marcus Baxter had an effort from distance that was comfortably saved and Dospel gave Sandt a rare moment of apprehension with a lopping header, but the Sarzonian keeper was equal to it.

“It’s obviously disappointing but we didn’t really expect to get anything from here”, the coach told reporters after the game. “On the plus side I thought we’d get three points from our opening three fixtures but we actually have four so we are doing better than I had expected. And we haven’t played a home game yet so our prospects are still very good.”


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla (replaced by 12. Flynn, 55)
3. Poskas (replaced by 19. Harris 61)
4. Baxter
6. Blake
7. Petras
8. Burdali
14. Drakes
15. Sinclair
16. Dospel
21. Veron


In the other group games it was draws all round as Druida and Chicanada fought out a goalless draw, Tonissia and Lucianic drew 1 – 1 and Kajiztahn won a very creditable point in Raptor Claw after a 1 – 1 stalemate.

Group 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 7 2 1 0 7:0 7
2. Druida 5 1 2 0 2:0 2
3. Raptor Claw 5 1 2 0 2:1 1
4. Hypocria 4 1 1 1 2:3 -1
5. Chicanada 4 1 1 1 1:2 -1
6. Tonissia 2 0 2 1 1:2 -1
Lucianic 2 0 2 1 1:2 -1
8. Kajiztahn 1 0 1 2 1:7 -6

BSTV Sports Today
with Mike Green III

Hello everyone, and welcome to BSTV Sports Today! I'm Joey Malone, filling in for Mike Green III, who chose not to come to work today on account of his unnatural fear of all things Oglethorpian. For you see, he would've had to report on the Lions' World Cup qualifying match against Oglethorpia, and then he probably would've become homicidal. Family matters or something like that, I think.

So anyway, as I just said, the Lions met up with Oglethorpia at Fillmore National Stadium right here in Sonoma City last night. It was a fairly odd match, one in which the Bedistani team really didn't use its usual style of play, with their 3-5-2 looking more like a 5-5-0. For the most part they seemed content to just capitalize on missed chances by the Ostriches, who kept ineffectually throwing themselves at Bedistan's rock-solid defense. Gina Zamboni ran with one of those in the 27th minute, sprinting her way up the right side and catching Hip Replac wrong-footed for 1-0. The team decided to keep hanging back to defend their lead, which confused the Bedistani fans watching on television, who wondered whether a bunch of Rejistanians had stolen their uniforms and were playing in their place. Yet the fans present at the match seemed unaffected and were just as enthusiastic as ever. In the second half came a repeat performance, as Billiam Christmas Jr.'s shot was easily intercepted by Tara Stalls, who was playing a good deal closer to goal than she normally does. Anyway, here she goes, running straight up the center of the pitch, gets through Oglethorpia's nonexistent midfield without any problem, takes a long shot straight through Falls' legs and into the goal, well out of reach of Hip Replac! Two-nil, and the crowd goes wild. An absolutely incredible first goal of her career. And that's how the score would stay, too, the Lions moving into an even more defensive position if that's possible for the remainder of the match.

So there you have it, two-nil over Oglethorpia. Nice revenge for that match waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in ancient history about seventy years ago in the group stage of World Cup 5 where they whipped us three-zip.

Meanwhile, defending BPL champions Alexandria are looking less likely than ever to defend their title after a two-one loss to league-leading Rolestu...

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia loses - surprise doesn't ensue, unsurprisingly

BEDISTAN (BT) -- On matchday three Oglethorpia's Ostriches ventured to top seeded Bedistan for what many bet would be a certain Bedistani victory. They were right.

"There's an upset," explained coach Torrence Black, his hands and arms greatly animated in the process, "and impossibility. This would be the latter. Though I reckon it'll be a loss, I don't think it'll be a disastrous 5-0 loss. The Lions are saving that one for the match where we're at home so we can be especially embarrassed."

Instead on this day the Lions put two goals past keeper Hip Replac, with few good chances, and no actual goals from Oglethorpia.

"They outplayed us in every way imaginable," commented striker Bill Christmas Jr. "Which isn't shocking in the least."

Following their matchday three defeat, the Oglethorpia Ostriches next face the 34th-ranked Five Civilized Nations, currently 3rd place in group four.

"We're only playing one of them, right?" midfielder Coat MacHanger was overheard asking. "Not five? Okay."

While Oglethorpia scored a fine upset over 53rd-ranked Finrods, expectations are far dimmer for the upcoming home match vs. Five...Nations.

"Draw or loss," predicted Joe Staplin. "That simple -- most likely the latter, I do speculate."

"Hopefully we can pull out a draw," stated coach Black. "They're third, and while it's unlikely we can snatch the spot with a victory, i'd just like to see us not lose ground and possibly fall further down the tables."

The remainder of the Oglethorpian schedule looks like this.

MD 5: Oglethorpia vs. Bipedal Apes
MD 6: Oglethorpia @ Tichang
MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Taking into account the remaining 8-14 matchdays that feature Oglethorpia at home for 5/7 MDs.

The Public Have Spoken



It has been increasingly apparent that football fans in Hypocria were less than happy with their team’s nickname, the Titans. The Titan name was chosen, almost in desperation in the end, during a marathon eight hour meeting at the FA prior to the Baptism of Fire tournament. The FA, shortly after the World Cup qualifying match in Sarzonia, organised a public vote to determine whether the Hypocrian fans did indeed want a name change for their side, a huge 94% voted yes.

In an act of democracy unusual in Hypocria the FA then gave the public a chance to choose the new nickname. Millions sent in suggestions and there was a clear winner, the Hyppos. “What better icon can we have than the noble Hyppo”, school teacher Tim Jones said. “It is our national animal, it is unique to our nation. It is already the name used by the Under-21 side so why not the senior side?”

Of course this does raise problems, most notably the name of the national stadium. The stadium was christened the Titan Dome but now the name seems a little silly. FA Chief Alex Scott had the answer, “I’ve picked out a new name for the stadium as I’ve had about as much of this public participation as I can stand. The stadium will now be known as the Hyppodrome. Fortunately the stadium has not been officially opened yet so we have time to change all the necessary signs and lettering before the ceremony which will take place ahead of the first home match, against Raptor Claw.”

When asked if this episode reflected badly on the FA Scott said, “Obviously some of my colleagues do feel a bit silly but we will just cheer ourselves up by counting all the money the public will now have to spend on new national team merchandise.”



The (Revised) Schedule (Group 9)

MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

Time: 6:32PM
location: ECFA head office

Doomhammer is in his office looking at his strategy book. S.Sam walks in with a telegram in his hand.

SS: Sir. We have received word. The lions have won again.

DH: brilliant. And how did Turori do?

SS: it seems they won too. But were still ahead on goal difference.

DH: and who do we face next?

SS: that would be Pedriana. It however seems that their not the Group Whipping Boys we expected them to be.

DH: Ok. Get Kirby. He has something that I asked him to produce for this match.

SS: Sir. You are aware of his dangerously high levels of incompetence right?

DH: Even so. Since I gave him a pay hike and a 4-year contract I will try and make some use of him. So fetch him will you.

SS: how did he get a 4-year…

DH: JUST GET HIM

SS: …ok.

S.Sam leaves the room. A few minuets later he returns with Kirby in tow.

K: D Man. The device is ready.

DH: can you stop calling me D man. It beginning to get annoying

K: No. No I can not. Anyway. This is the new noobcannon. I reduced it to near handgun size. A single shot should reduce the targets ability by a considerable amount.

DH: this is perfect. Get a few of their players before the game and that should give us a large edge.

SS: how the hell did you produce a device of this quality?

K: with my hands. Duh.

DH: how much ammo does it have?

K: enough to make noobs of the Sarzonia football team.

DH: Prepare for the Turori game. I have a really good feeling about this.

Street Unbeaten In First Three Games
Qualifying Looks Possible

Okay, we'll wait with the champagne till everything is done and dusted, but the Streetians have excelled in the initial stages of the qualifying runs. While teams like Gaian Ascendancy, Chicanada and Spaam struggling, most favourites are nevertheless top of their group, and although it's been an unexciting qualifying run so far, that's what most Streetian teams seek.

The Street won their first game 3-0 over newcomers Esrevistan, Hugo Ramirez making a stunning national team debut with two goals. Nevertheless, he was dropped for Pete Nourse in the next game, who scored the 1-0 goal on a cross from John Swytherton, as the Streetian team negotiated a potentially tricky away game at Kylaai well.

The game against Oliverry was another potential banana peel for the Street, but they came off it well. In fact, the 1-0 win should have been a lot more, as both sides missed massive chances in front of goal. Oliverry's suicidal 2-4-4 formation (yes, even Streetians can see sense at times), brought free space for the Street, who brought three strikers to the National - however, Rhianna Peters was woefully out of form in front of goal, and missed three masive chances along with Joey St. Laurent. Thus, the match ebbed out with 1-0.

The Streetians' next match are away at New Savio, and another win is expected. Meanwhile, Nonesuch Street gave unexpected help to their bigger brethren, as a goal from J. C. MacSwell resulted in a one-all draw with Commerce Heights away, which meant that Cockbill Street now have a two-point gap on top of the table.

thsd:NEWS

Night-Mare

GOOSE-EGGS at Sixways as Krytenia once again slipped up against Kipto-Mare. KM are beginning to become a bit of a bogey team for the Caleys, with only one win in the three games they've played so far.

Kipto-Mare karela~ed the game into a standstill, starving Neasden, Keda, and the gang of the ball anywhere in the Marean half. By the eightieth minutes jeers, boos, and chants of "Are You Rejis In Disguise" wre being hurled at the visitors. Two points lost, and a body blow for good football.

In other news, their KFA have offered their co-hosting services to the Druidans for WCXXIV.

KRYTENIA - 0
KIPTO-MARE - 0

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben
MD5: A v Squornshelous
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD2: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD3: A v Kipto-Mare
MD4: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD5: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD6: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD7: A v Caprine States

Laksu Kynsu was in his hotel room and he was scared of tomorrow. After the match, the Druids barely concealed their hospitality. He murmurred something about the financial situation of the Druids*. Suddenly, the phone rang. Slowly, he answered the call: "Kynsu'namin!"

"Hejida, Kynsu'he! Verede'namin, of the KaMaRi Update!"

"Gah! Where do you have this number from?"

"Never underestimate the power of the 4 digit amount of money..."

"So? What do you want? Ask me why I disallowed these goals?"

"There were no TV-broadcasts, I want to have your viewpoint!"

"Well, there were many offside situations, a few fouls... I decided as I had to."

"So no rejistanian scorephobia as the Druidans say?"

"None"

"Or admiration of 0:0?"

"Not at these costs!"

After he finished the phonecall, he decided to listen to some reja music. Sayra's songs always help him to relax - and to dream of the great aim.

* "selme" meaning "indebted" or "debts" is a rejistanian curse

MD4 RP cutoff

Top of Group 1, Top of the World?
4 wins from 4 as Starblaydia prepare for Crystils

When you look at all the World Cup Qualifying tables, you realise one thing: Starblaydia are the first nation you see. Brilliant, isn't it? Maybe it'll make us famous with all the new teams knocking around, who knows?

Anyway everyone's newest favourite Dwarf, Zhorin Tumunzahar, grabbed his second goal i nfour matches as he got the downfall of Tramontina off to a healthy start. Those little gold-painted boots of his must be his old Under-21 shooting boots, as he's scoring quite a few with those. Zhorin is now the leading scorer in this squad with ten international goals, just five short of the benchmark set by his manager, Nikola Lazerevski. Zhorin, however, is just 28 and approaching his Dwarven peak, if Menegroth and Azanulbizarn's careers are anything to go by.

The other goal came from rising starlet Michalis Mitrofanis, though questions over his inclusion still remain. Is he really better than Flo Zaragoza at this level? So far they've both made three appearances and Zaragoza leads with 2 goals to Mitrofanis' 1.

Thanks to Crystilakere's second nil-nil draw in a row, Starblaydia now have a comfortable four-point cushion on the rest of Group One, which is a testament to their two goal-per-game and none conceeded, perfect 100% win record in these Qualifiers. Starblaydia have not lost a Qualifying match in eight years since an embarrasing 1-0 loss to Allanea in World Cup 21 Qualifying. That is, to date, a twenty-four match unbeaten run in World Cup Qualifiers, something which Starblaydia will be hard-pressed to keep up when they meet former World Champions Crystilakere on Matchday 5.


Group 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Starblaydia 12 4 0 0 8:0 8
2. Crystilakere 8 2 2 0 3:0 3
3. Nova Britannicus 7 2 1 1 2:2 0
4. Oceaice 5 1 2 1 1:1 0
5. Spruitland 4 0 4 0 0:0 0
6. Tramontina 4 1 1 2 1:3 -2
7. Reichsdeutschland 2 0 2 2 0:4 -4
8. Anarchist Canuckistan 0 0 0 4 0:5 -5

Solid performence on the road keeps Vikings in 3rd place

It looks like the 3-4-3 is a staying formation for the Vikings at the moment. They performed exceptionally well with it in the first half, and showed that they do know how to play defensively in a 4-4-2 in the second half. The first half was lead by Mike Nolan and Dave Daniels, and the second half saw the Vikings hold possession for 38 minutes, ensuring that they held on to a 2-0 victory over the young Caprine States.

The beginning of the match saw some flashes of things to come from the Caprine States, Aloysius Tompkinson lead an attack that broke through the Vikings defensive formation and managed to attempt two shots, the second of which was narroly deflected back to Leider Duran. But it was at that point when the first Fmjphoenix attack took place. Duran passed forth to Eli Grimm, starting his second match at the wing. Grimm was flanked by Larry Brown and Hud Lawson, who were looking ahead at Daniels and Shelly Berry. Johnny Martin slide at the ball to knock it away from Grimm, but he cut back and passed up to Berry. She was meet with a solid challenge from Hiram Hansen, but she managed to pass to Daniels who was unmarked in the box. He fluked left and shot hard to the right and beat out Eski for a goal in the 11th minute. For 25 minutes, play consisted mostly in midfield and the Caprine States half of the pitch, with Nolan recieving a penelty shot from a questionable challenge by Bülent Özgür, who was booked for it. But the penelty hit the crossbar. But Nolan still managed to get one home, in the 42nd minute, he was challenged by Hansen, but a nifty move lifted the ball over a sliding Hansen and he nibly jumped over him and was alone in the box against Eski, and put it home in the left side of the net.

That was the end of the first half, and Wash again played with his formation, moving into a 4-4-2 for the start of the second half. Caprine States managed to take the ball away from Jason Mitchell on an early challenge and came up for an attack. But Powell Lamar was showing his world class goalkeeping skills by turning everything away from the goal. The best chance that Caprine States had of putting one past Lamar came at the 68th minute, when Lamar had slipped on a loose patch of grass. Can Yildirim looked ready to take advantage of the mishap. His strike was right on target, but Lamar jumped up from his stomach to head the ball to Bobby Bash. The remaining 25 minutes were uneventful, but there was lots of strong challenged provided from both sides. The worst challenge saw Hud Lawson leave the pitch with a minor shin injury. Alex Rivera came in for the substitue and was impressed by the firce playing by Caprine States.

"I have to say that this is one of the fiercest looking young teams I have gotten to play against. This may be their first entry into the World Cup, but I think they will be a mainstay for many years to come. I hope I can have the chance to play them again in the next time around."

With their second straight victory, the Vikings have 9 points total. The win keeps them solidly in third place. With Krytenia and Squornshelous winning, they have a commanding goal differencial lead in the group. Now the Vikings head back home to face new squad Milchama. They are sitting in 5th place with a win, draw, and two losses. It is expected as another victory, but the Vikings will come out with all they have in an effort to continue solid plays.

Fmjphoenix: 2 - Caprine States: 0
Daniels: 11, Nolan 42 - None

Vikings Scorers:
Nolan: 2
Berry: 1
Daniels: 1

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 3-0-1, 9 points
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas Win 1-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States Win 2-0
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia holds fourth in group four

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Matchday four marked the first home game for Oglethorpia of the entire World Cup 23 qualifying run thus far; and the Ostriches would certainly disappoint with a loss against Five Civilized Nations in their home stadium.

For their match vs. Five...Nations Torrence Black had moved the team into a 5-3-2 formation, from the previous 5-2-3 that only hastened the Ostriches' defeat at the hands of Bedistan. And yet, even with forward Mel Memorable in the midfield Oglethorpia still was down one goal as early as 30 minutes into the match.

Hip Replac made a fine effort for the ball, but predictably fell short given the previous text. From there, Oglethorpia would fail to create any chances to even equalize and seemed content to lose the match.

"Such uninspired play," commented coach Torrence Black. "You'd think maybe we'd find one way to get the ball near the goal, but, alas."

For while Anton Kremlov and Bill Christmas Jr. ran up and down the pitch profusely, the Ostriches' offense recorded no actual attempts on the 5CNer keeper.

"Pitiful," commented coach Torrence Black. "You'd think maybe we'd even get one ball somewhat near the goal, so that they might work their defenders, but, alas."

But perhaps more glaring was the Oglethorpian midfield, whom even with the addition of Polyesterhampton F.C. forward Mel Memorable, still let slide nearly the whole offense of Five Civilized Nations many many more times in the match, whom would undoubtedly have more goals were it not for a fine preformance from keeper Replac save the one early goal.

"Deplorable," commented coach Torrence Black. "You'd think they'd hinder their offense once so that maybe Hip [Replac] wasn't totally alone out there as if on penalty kicks, but, alas."

Or perhaps as a final note on the proceedings in Amalgamated Stadium was the unimpeded cheering, support and enthusiaism for the Oglethorpia Ostriches -- despite being down one-nil two thirds of the game and never even providing one instance of excitement for their home crowd.

"WRETCHED!" shouted coach Torrence Black, standing up from our interview table in a rage, sending papers flying and those around him into panic. "You'd THINK after ALL THAT those damn fans would figure out we suck! BUT ALAS! AAAAAAAAH!"

In any case, the home loss one-nil to Five Civilized Nations that so enraged coach/manager/head-moral-supporter Torrence Black is followed by another home game in Amalgamated Stadium, this time vs. unranked Bipedal Apes holding down the 6th spot in the group. It is unknown if Torrence Black will preside over the Ostriches in the match. On the matter, said Bill Christmas;

"I can understand why the man's so angry. We played like crap today, but we're going from having played #34 in the world to wholly unranked in the world -- still, given Torrence [Black]'s disposition, I doubt he'll show up tomorrow, likely preferring instead to go around breaking people's leg's like he did that really long time ago."

Likely to fill in for the questionable Torrence Black is Megalopolis City F.C. manager Harry Utterer, whose job will likely be made easy with the Ostriches proceeding to a presumably easier match.

"You never know, though," said Utterer regarding the matter. "They've still got to play cautiously -- in that respect, I follow the doctrine of Joe Staplin -- treading carefully even against an unranked opponent. We're not going to be caught totally embarassed at home again, especially against a team of walking apes."

It remains to be seen if Oglethorpia will be caught totally embarassed at home again, especially against a team of walking apes.

The rest of the team's schedule is as follows;

MD 6: Oglethorpia @ Tichang
MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Taking into account the remaining 8-14 matchdays that feature Oglethorpia at home for 5/7 MDs.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Zilch - zip, nada - naught

Spruitland - Nova Britannicus: 0 – 0

Seven major Spruitland sports betting companies have filed for bankruptcy after tonight’s World Cup Qualifying match between the Wabbits and Nova Britannicus. Odds went as high as 1250 to 1 that the match would end in yet another scoreless draw, and quite a few Spruitlanders had taken that bet.

Apart from those lucky enough to rake in the profits, though, not many people were all too pleased with the result of the match. Granted, a draw against the latest Cup of Harmony winners and one of the favorites to qualify from Group 1 is a fine result, but Spruitland football supporters were unable to enjoy that minor success because their team had – once again – failed to score a goal.

“Bloody nitwits,” one fan said, obviously referring to the strikers. “I could do a better job than them, and I don’t get paid millions a week!”

“Ridiculous,” said another. “I’d rather they had lost 1-5 than this. That’s four games without a goal, we’re the laughing stock of the competition!”

“Well, if you look at it from another angle,” Wabbits coach Cor Bensen replied, “we’re still unbeaten after four games. That puts us among the high-ranking nations of the world. And we didn’t even have to play Karelan for it.”

Indeed, even though four consecutive scoreless draws seems as Karelan as it gets, the Spruitlanders did not at all play defensive football in their matches. In fact, against the Nova Britannicans they played even more attacking than expected, with Laszlo Bosch staying on the bench and Jeff Wong coming in for a 3-5-2 line-up with two offensive center mids.

But, as in the previous matches, creating scoring opportunities was not the problem. Finishing them, however, was a huge one, and again Jan Wolters and Dirk Jools were unable to get the ball past the goalkeeper. Britannican goalie Jeremy McFarland didn’t have a huge amount of work though, as most of the Wabbits’ attempts went harmlessly wide of the target.

Even young Chico Provoost’s joker-quality did not prove successful this time. 17-year old Provoost was brought in for the last 30 minutes, making him the youngest capped Spruitlander to date, but Chico could not repeat what he did in the Under-21 squad (score on his debut).

As chance after chance came and went, frustration grew in King Alfons Stadium. When the few thousand Nova Britannica supporters began singing “score in a brothel, you couldn’t score in a brothel” to the tune of Guantanamera, things just about started to get out of control. Luckily for the Wabbits, the Britannican team seemed to suffer from a similar malady, missing just about as many chances as the Spruitlanders, so the singing eventually died out.

With the end of the game in sight, a huge sigh of relief went through the stadium when the referee awarded Spruitland a penalty kick – the foul was rather light, but that didn’t matter much, Spruitland would finally score a goal.

That is, Spruitland would finally have scored a goal, if Balt Luyckx hadn’t kicked the ball high over the bar. Supporters in the stadium fell weeping into each other’s arms – except for those who had put in a bet. And for the Nova Britannicans, of course, who promptly started singing again, not caring that they were about to lose two valuable points.

“Well, if this had been rugby, that would have been a great field goal,” Dirk Jools snickered after the match. “That’s what you get when you take me off the field. No way in hell I would’ve missed that penalty.”

If you can forget the “should-have-been-goals”, ignore the utter flapdoodleness of the streak, and purely look at the results and table, the Wabbits are not in such bad shape though. Four points out of four matches, with three of them against higher ranked teams, certainly fits in the “could be worse” department.

With two games against lower ranked (read: unranked) teams to come, Spruitland could see themselves with a good run after the first half of qualifying. For that, they’ll have to start scoring goals and win those games, though.

Last-placed and point-less Anarchist Canuckistan is up next, and many see this as the perfect opponent to shake off this dreadful curse. Bookmakers at least seem optimistic, with odds for the match to end at 0-0 expected to go as high as 5000 to 1.


MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus: 0 – 0
Up next…
MD 5: SPRUITLAND – Anarchist Canuckistan
MD 6: Reichsdeutschland – SPRUITLAND
MD 7: Starblaydia – SPRUITLAND

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

One more three-nil match for the Two-Footers

By Ingbaba

Bananaton - Two months have passed since Ms. Throckspartle, beloved manager of the Local 1033 Banana Pickers' Union premiere league team and coach of the national side, entered hospital with inexplicable head-splitting pains and discomforts. It has been two long months of morale-draining discombopulation for players and supporters alike. Though Ms. Hortensil, fine manager of the Federated Banana Mills side, stepped in to guide the team to a nil-all draw in Five Nations last month, the prospect of Ms. Throckspartle possibly never returning to the pitch put the kibosh on all good spirits throughout the footie community of RBA.

So it was with depressed hopes that the Two-Footers prepared for their upcoming match against the esteemed human nation of Finrodia. Last fortnight, the RBACFA appointed Ms. Blupotch, manager of Federated Fermentation in the premiere league, to fill in at coach until further notice. Immediately Blupotch made several changes to the squad, putting strikers Barsoom and Hobnottica on reserve, promoting Angstohm to the first team, and calling up Melloopa from FF to join the national side. To no surprise, Gazeboo, star striker for FF but scoreless through three Trans-border matches, remained in the first-team roster. Additionally, Blupotch, never one to shy from controversy, put males Zung and Pigpiggie into the starting eleven, benching Bumdiddle and Hooboy.

Players sent to hospital

But after week of practices, the squad looked not so much rejuvenated as disspirited. Though Ms. Blupotch is surely an esteemed coach, the team seemed to pine for Throckspartle's particular brand of headwhacks. The Finrodians arrived in RBA to a glum nation that barely had the energy to greet them. As match day approached, Blupotch could see that her team was not in any shape to challenge their esteemed human opponents on the pitch; and so it was in a moment of desperation, grasping at any means to inspire her players, that the coach hit upon the idea of taking the squad to visit their ailing mentor.

Though the meeting was closed to the press, rumors have it that poor Ms. Throckspartle spent the hour alternating between shrieking in terror at unseen hallucinations and in anger at her team's lack of vigor. Whatever happened in that hospital room, when the players emerged, they were badly bruised but strangely alert and enthused.

At the following practice, the squad ran drills as if it knew how football was played. No more shuffling feet, no more downcast eyes; the apes who took the pitch were as apes reborn. Taking no chances, Blupotch took the players to see Ms. Throckspartle in hospital the next day, and the next, and with each visit, the players seemed to grow stronger and more confident. By match day, they were ready for anything.

Win one for the Throcker

Bananaleaf Coliseum shook as thrity-four thousand footie fans stomped and screamed as one. As Gazeboo came to midfield for the pre-match coin toss, a swagger could be discerned in her stride. Finrodia won the toss, but it was the last thing the esteemed human side would win that day.

Finrodian striker Nimrod kicked off to the fine wing Mimdor, but a quick tackle by Gazeboo put the Two-Footers in posession early. From that auspicious start, the match was firmly controlled by the apes, who finally emerged from mediocrity to play like the stars they are in their home league.

For the first twenty minutes, the Two-Footers controlled the ball, the midfielders rarely having to cross the center stripe to their own side of the pitch. The pressure on Finrodia's fine defensive four was so continuous that the RBA's first goal of the Cup qualifiers seemed certain; and at twenty-three minutes, it finally arrived. Gazeboo had control of the ball in the right corner, and as human defenders Romdim and Frindy attempted to pressure her, she sent a nice crosser to FF teammate Melloopa at the top of the box. Dodging past stolid Froomby, she took a shot that was narrowly deflected by keeper Gorsdon only to come right back to Angstohm-- whose clear view of the net was like the proverbial bullet aimed at the side of a barn. For the first time in Trans-border play, the Two-Footers went ahead.

The energy and adrenaline nearly brought them back down to earth, however, as the remainder of the first half got sloppy and saw Hobartleby make several hair's-breadth saves. Pigpiggie proved his worth as well, equalling Proboscid's fine footwork with magnificent speed to deny Nimrod an easy shot at thirty-nine minutes. The mid-game break came none too soon, the Two-Footers seeming to cling rather than coast to their one-nil lead.

What Blupotch said during the rest may never be known to those outside the locker room, but whatever it was, calmed the players considerably. When they returned to the pitch, it was clear that nerves would not cost them the match; if Finrodia hoped to snatch victory, they would have to play their way to it.

Angstohm kicked off to Gazeboo, and the Two-Footers took control as they had at the top of the match. They played carefully but relentlessly, and at sixty minutes tasted the fruits of their labors: Gazeboo, so long denied, finally netted her first on a carefully directed shot that bisected Gorsdon and Frindy. Victory was within the apes' grasp, and they were determined not to relinquish it.

Coach Blupotch made a change to strengthen the defense, pulling Angstohm from the pitch and substituting Hooboy as fourth ape on the back line. The Two-Footers switched to a conservative strategy, trading off possession with the Finrodians, not stretching out too far past the mid-line; and as the ninetieth minute drew nearer, Finrodia became increasingly aggressive. In the end they pressed too hard, moving their players so far upfield that when Banmana got control of the ball on a tackle of Nimrod, she lofted it downfield to practically undefended Gazeboo. The striker skirted Froomby to score her second of the match, catching Gorsdon guessing left as she powered it to the right. Though the Finrodian coach appealed to the official to call Gazeboo for offsides, the esteemed human Rejistanian declined, and the goal stood at eighty-seven minutes.

As time ran down, it was all the local constabulary could do to keep the supporters from rushing the field. No sooner had the final whistle sounded than thousands of happy apes went wild on the pitch. It was a scene of great rejoicing, as the spirit of Ms. Throckspartle had carried her squad to victory.

Final score:

Republic of Bipedal Apes: 3 (Angstom (23), Gazeboo 2 (60, 87)
Finrodia 0

Bigger and Better!
Pschychoes continue to increase their scoring

In a blowout of a match, Squornshelous walked all over the inexperienced side from Milchama in their first meeting of qualifying. The 4-0 scorline lifted Squornshelous above Krytenia by virtue of Goal Differential. While neither side has allowed a goal yet in qualifying, Squornshelous has notched 9 to Krytenia's 8. This precarious hold on the lead will hopefully be solidified next matchday when the two teams meet.
Like their last match against Caprine States, the Pschychoes came out swinging. This time, the opening goal came in the 11th minute from Petr Skritsch. The Vogsphere United star contines to emerge as a key player on the national team, and is loving it. "It's so amazing to be able to go out there and play with guys like Yanni (Zikov) and Alex (Popov)," he told reporters after the match. "I'm just so excited every time I step on the field." Petr has made a habit of waiting at the top of the box while the ball is being played down low in the goalmouth or out on the wings. This strategy had already earned him one goal, and several near misses. This time, as he stood waiting, a cross from Marvin Oonar came sailing in across the goal mouth, aimed at Alexander Popov. However, the Milchaman keeper timed his jump and punched it clear. It bounced out to the top of the box, and Skritsch won the ball from a defender and fired towards the top right hand corner, beating the keeper easily.
One quarter hour later, a goal made for highlight reels was scored by the most improbable of players. Tor Jacobs, a defender known for his quick, tidy challenges and crisp passing, pushed forward up the left wing while an attacking play was in progress on the other side of the field. When Marvin Oonar got a chance to shoot, the ball was deflected off a defender's shin, and came bouncing out to Jacobs. However, the keeper had already commited to the previous shot, and had stumbled trying to readjust. Tor sent a long, lazy arcing ball into the net from 40 meters out.
As the halftime whistle drew nearer, another goal was scored that was reminiscent of former Squornshelan striker Igor Raskolnikov. Dmitri Ulanych cleared the ball after intercepting a pass deep in the Squornshelan end. It was mishandled by a Milchaman defender near midfield and Brian Guerrero pounced on it. From there it was off to the races. With defenders struggling to catch up, Guerrero fired from 20 meters and beat the keeper in the bottom left hand corner for 3-0.
After halftime, the pace of play slowed down a lot, with the Pschychoes backig off their midfield a little bit and playing more defensively. As the match wore on, players on both sides began to tire a bit, and Gunnar Thorsen was subbed in for Marvin Oonar, with Georges Lemarque coming in for Sam Fletcher. Lemarque was new to the normal group of 6 subs, replacing Mike Roberts, who is undergoing a 2 game team-enforced suspension for inebriation at the Pschychoes last game. It is unknown if a lengthier suspension will be enforced by the World Cup hosts. Either way, it is unlikely that Roberts will see any more playing time in this cup.
With the games conclusion all but determined, it seemed that the Milchaman players lost heart near the end, making halfhearted tackles and sloppy passes, easily intercepted by Squornshelan defenders. It was one of those passes that led to the final goal of the match. Gunnar Thorsen intercepted a long pass from (defender) to (midfielder) and immediately brought the ball upfield. When challenged by (defender) he passed ahead to Yanni Zikov. Zikov dribbled around one defender, and then passed to Jorge Perez at the corner of the box. Perez fired as the ball reached him and it sailed into the far corner.
With the match even further out of reach than it had been, Milchama completely gave up, and the Pschychoes saw no need to increse the score further. The ball stayed in midfield for the remainder of the game.

Final Score:
Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous

Scoring Summary:
SQU: Skritsch [11]
SQU: Jacobs [26]
SQU: Guerrero [39]
SQU: Perez [82]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 2
Perez: 2
Skritsch: 2
Popov: 1
Zikov: 1
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings After Matchday 4:

Group 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 10 3 1 0 9:0 9
2. Krytenia 10 3 1 0 8:0 8
3. Fmjphoenix 9 3 0 1 4:2 2
4. Kipto-Mare 6 1 3 0 2:1 1
5. Milchama 4 1 1 2 2:9 -7
6. Buben 3 1 0 3 2:6 -4
7. Garinas 2 0 2 2 1:3 -2
8. Caprine States 0 0 0 4 0:7 -7




Up Next:
The featured matchup of this qualifying group, Squornshelous vs. Krytenia. It will be played in Squornshelous capital city of Vogsphere at the stadium of Squornshelan Champions Vogsphere United. The stadium is expected to be at its full capacity of 75,000 fans to watch what should be a closely contested match.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous vs Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare vs Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

King Alfons was not a happy man. Normally, he was. With the vast amounts of smile-inducing substances in Spruitland, it wasn’t too difficult to be a happy man. But today was different. Today, the King was Royally Pissed.

As he was flying from New Brux to Sativa in the Royal Helicopter, His Majesty was not yet sure who exactly to be pissed at. At himself, it seemed. He didn’t like being pissed at himself though, and he certainly didn’t want to make a habit of it. So for the time being, he settled for being pissed at the helicopter pilot.

“If we’re not there in twenty minutes I’m taking the stick and you’re getting out without slowing down!” he bellowed, and the pilot tilted the chopper’s nose down just a tad further. The King went back to grinding his teeth in frustration.

Something had gone wrong, seriously wrong, and he didn’t know what it was. Granted, there hadn’t been enough time for testing, but he had personally supervised the final modifications. It should have worked!

And still, no goal. Not even friggin’ close. That stupid Luyckx had even managed to miss a penalty, for crying out loud!

He went over some of the specifications in his head. Against better judgment, for it was highly unlikely that he had made an error. Then again, his attention span wasn’t what it used to be, so he couldn’t be absolutely certain. He re-analysed the protein purification procedure stuff, checked off cell lysate value-thingies against one another, re-calculated the risk of cross-contamination on his fingers… but it all seemed to add up.

When the helicopter landed on the roof of the Spruit Inc research facility, the King looked at the clock and saw that 17 minutes had passed since the warning. Good man, he thought. Obedient citizens were hard to come by, these days. If he wasn’t so pre-occupied, he might have noted the man’s name to send him an extra ration of Spruits™.

But His Majesty had other things on his mind. No matter what his calculations said, the stuff hadn’t worked. There had to be something he was overlooking. Something on a very basic level, most likely.

Miguel Schuyler – Spruit Inc’s CEO – and the most prominent members of the research team were waiting for the King when he entered the building through the roof entrance. His Majesty waved off Schuyler’s feeble attempts at optimism and strode through the hallway, half a dozen nervous bio-scientists on his tail.

The brief ride down in the elevator was tense – King Alfons was the only one whose breathing was audible. Through another corridor they went, and as they reached the door of the Super-Top-Secret Classified Basement Department, His Majesty finally broke the silence.

“Bolwijk!” he snapped, punching in the 1-2-3-4 code to open the electronic lock. “Start up the gen-splicer, I want it ready to go in ten minutes!”

“Certainly, Your Highness!” a scrawny man in a white overcoat replied, following the King into the room.

“Vermeer!” His Majesty snapped next, switching on the lights. “Get me a detailed print out of the –” He broke off, his eyes fixed on ten plastic bags neatly arranged next to each other on the center table. Then he took a deep breath.

“Belay that,” he said, turning around slowly. “Bolwijk?”

“Yes, Your Majesty?”

“Did I not order you to deliver two bags of peas to the dressing room of our national football team two hours before the start of the match against Nova Britannica?” The King’s voice was icingly calm, making it all the more effective.

“You did indeed, Your Highness,” Bolwijk nodded, smiling nervously.

“Then why did you choose to ignore that order, Bolwijk?”

“But… I didn’t, Your Highness. I took care of it personally.”

The King nodded patiently.

“Then how come there are still ten bags of peas on that table, Bolwijk? Ten, which is, if I must add, the exact same amount as were there this morning?”

Bolwijk looked from the King to the table, and back.

“Oh, those peas,” he said, grinning apologetically.

“Of course those peas, you half-baked muttonhead! What peas did you think I meant!?”

“I erm… got some from the back yard and…”

“From the back yard!?! Bolwijk, do you not know how to use that thing between your ears?! And, no, I do not mean your nose. For cryin’ out loud, I’m supposed to be the biggest dolt around here!”

Bolwijk shrunk back into his overcoat, shivering like a leaf from the Royal Lashing.

“Your Majesty, if I may,” Vermeer, another scrawny dude in a white overcoat interrupted, “there is one advantage to this situation…”

“And what, pray tell, would that be, Vermeer!?”

“Well, Your Majesty, since this was all just a slight… misunderstanding, it would seem there’s nothing actually wrong with the peas, and we can all, you know, if His Majesty permits, retire for the night?”

The King opened his mouth to reply, but then snapped it shut again.

“Your Highness, I think that’s a splendid idea.” Schuyler had hung back the whole time, but with the situation coming to a resolve, he seemed comfortable enough to come forward again. “As His Majesty is aware, we had planned a little celebration in the lounge for our victory over Nova Britannicus. Things may not have worked out as we had hoped, but I see no reason for the party to be cancelled…”

The King thought about that for a moment, then slowly nodded.

“You’re right,” he said, suddenly smiling again. “It would be a shame to let those young ladies go home without earning their pay. Come on, let’s show those Britannicans that their silly song made no sense at all.”

And with that, the research team left the Super-Top-Secret Classified Basement Department, glad the Royal Temper usually ended as easily as it started.

Harlesburg Drop out of Top Four
Harlesburg 3 Wella 3
For the first time in this campaign to wrest the most celebrated of all trophies from the usupers Harlesburg's campaign may look like its about to stutter.

After a first match draw against Haperd followed by a decisive 2 goal win against Pedriana which secured a top four placing if only temporarily, things began to come unstuck against Turori as they went down late in the second half but even then other results allowed Harlesburg to cling on to that 4th placing but with games going against Harlesburg today they are now in 5th place the same place they were after their first match although that was only by alphabetical order and possibly by World rank.

The Draw against Wella highlighted some good and bad points for Harlesburg the good points being they do have goal scorers in depth and are also 2nd equal in the pool as a result of this although they trail El Cid The Hero by a considerable 4 goals.

Bad points to come out of the game were that the goals against has ballooned to 6 from a respectable 3 before the match something that will concern even the most optimistic of Harlesburgian,Harlesburger or Harlesburgites.

When Harlesburg Coach/Manager William Mather was asked if the new field layout had anything to do with it his reply was

"I really dont think it does if you look at our layout it is highly defence orientated in the back with the extra cover in Freeman although there may be some concern with the midfield if there are any problems it will be in there right now it appears we are leaving to much space and if they get into that pocket it is an obviously considerable problem."

Harlesburg in their first match as designated home team opted for their Yellow Strip with the 2 Red and Blue bands running horizontal across the body and keeping the Yellow Socks.

Kicking off Harlesburg quickly grabbed a hold of the pace of the game and settled into their work with their first real chance coming in the 7th minuteafter a through ball was neatly recieved by Charles Bompmore who after weaving around 1 defender found an almost open net 19 yards out and he precieded to drill the ball to the far right post only the 'woodwork' stopped the ball from reaching that desired net and the ball glanced off the post and into the stands.

Then in the 12th minute another insurgence from a long line of Harlesburg players moved forward breeching the line on the left and crossing to the centre Pedro Hernandez found Pedro Sanchez who inturn handed the ball to Daniel Derrick who now being closed on kicked it back out to Pedro Hernandez whos cross came into perfect unison with the head of Olaun Sallasan and only a desperate dive to the keepers left could stop the ball from going in but he could not stop the corner.

the 13th minute saw the corner hurled into the centre where it once again found Olaun Sallasan head and this time the Keeper held on and from his clearing kick Wella counterattacked and during this 6 minutes of time scored their first goal.

Harlesburg's next chance came in the 23rd minute with a shot from Pedro Sanchez rocketing off the post and back into lay to be cleared by the Wella defence.
Soon after however Harlesburg finally reaped the fruits of its labour when in the 28th minute they scored from a Corner kick taken from the boot of Derrick Jaresten, the goal was an absolute amazement for the fans of both teams as they saw the ball rise high in the air and look and come into the danger zone where it went above all the players looking to head it in or away from the goal and slot itself perfectly in the junction of the top right corner totally bambozzaling the Keeper and post marking man.

Wella's reply was slow in coming but none the less short and sweet scoring just before the half closed leaving the score 2-1

Then straight after the break Wella stunned Harlesburg again with some excellent team work scoring a goal in the 48th minute and what looked like taking the game out of Harlesburg's reach.
But not this time Harlesburg has picked up some experience from its less than a handful of World Cup campaigns and still had a selfbelief that lesser teams including Harlesburg's very own of old would have surcombed to the pressure and rolled over.

Finally in the 56th minute Harlesburg reacted and put a further goal on the board which was credited to Lerrick Jones after some messy clearing from a throw in that reached Pedro Sanchez on the edge of the box he kept the defenders away from the ball until chipping the ball over his body into a melee of bodies in the centre where an akward bounce landed nicely at Jones feet and he sloted the ball home.

The changes were rung in for Harlesburg in the 62nd minute as Micheal Sladeresent came on for a cramping up Daniel Derrick and Hassim Salad came on for Kirk Freeman.
This shuffle added new life to the Harlesburg team and they continued to nibble away at this Wella team.

All looked lost in the 86th minute until a careless tackle by a Wella Midfielder
brought Fillo Pastry down and from the resulting free kick which advanced Harlesburg a further 58 meters a burst of speed left one Wella defender in the dust of the light footed Pedro Sanchez who fired a cross into the forming up lines of players which Sladeresent let glide past his body from left to right and when it was inline with his body at about waist hieght motioned himself to kick it mid-air with his right wrong footing the keeper who was moving left and sending the ball back to the left the crowd erupted Sladeresent raced to the back of the net and retrieved his prized posession.

Time wound down and the game finished three a piece only.

Scoring Summary
28th Derrick Jaresten
56th Lerrick Jones
87th Micheal Sladeresent

MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: Harlesburg vs Artoonia
MD6: Riegabvs Harlesburg
MD7: EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg



Group 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. EL CID THE HERO 12 4 0 0 11:0 11
2. Turori 12 4 0 0 7:1 6
3. Haperd 7 2 1 1 5:2 3
4. Pedriana 6 2 0 2 5:6 -1
5. Harlesburg 5 1 2 1 7:6 1
6. Wella 4 1 1 2 6:5 1
7. Artoonia 0 0 0 4 0:10 -10
8. Riegab 0 0 0 4 0:11 -11

Jeruselem Government News

Group 10 favourites step up and goals flow!

It's day 4 of World Cup XXXIII, and has anything changed? No upsets but the goals are starting to flow. In fact the group had 1-0, 2-0, 3-0 and 4-0 games - which is a weird statistic.

First TnUI got rid of Spolotikopia 1-0 in a less than convincing win, but a win is a win for the favourite. This leaves TnUI first in Group 10 and conceding no goals yet. No losses or draws, just wins so far for the Insane peoples.

One Red Dot smacked Kassyyk around in a 4-0 rout. The dots have conceded no goals either but are only second because of their draw with Spaam. It was a thumping we were fully expecting.

Spaam got going with a 3-0 win over Antarcticanada. It was old Spaam we expect to see at the World Cup and they played like team hungry for winning unlike their early game.

Jeruselem had the hardest opponent in Hockey Canada but ran over top of a determined Canadian team 2-0. Despite the young Jeruselem team having trouble with a familiar but tough opponent, they defended well. The attack was less than impressive but the supply from midfield enabled 2 goals to nail the required 3 points. Midfielder Peter Costello scored the first goal after deflecting a header under the Canadian keeper in the 50th minute and then Jennifer Hawkins followed up later with great free kick to score the 2nd in the 60th.

Group 10:
Antarcticanada 0 Spaam 3
Hockey Canada 0 Jeruselem 2
Kassyyk 0 One Red Dot 4
Spolotikopia 0 Total n Utter Insanity 1

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Total n Utter Insanity 12 4 0 0 5:0 5
2. One Red Dot 10 3 1 0 7:0 7
3. Jeruselem 9 3 0 1 5:1 4
4. Spaam 7 2 1 1 4:1 3
5. Hockey Canada 6 2 0 2 3:4 -1
6. Spolotikopia 3 1 0 3 2:4 -2
7. Antarcticanada 0 0 0 4 0:7 -7
8. Kassyyk 0 0 0 4 1:10 -9


As you see, the bottom 3 is well defined although Spolotikopia are doing quite well. It's tight in the top 3 with one win separating 3rd from 1st while you cannot discount 4th and 5th or even 6th.

Time: 9:04PM
location: ECFA head office

Doomhammer is in his office waiting by the telephone. It starts ringing so Doomhammer pickets it up.

DH: Hello?

S.Sam is on the other end at football stadium with a n00bcannon in his hand. Kirby is sitting next to him

SS: Hello sir, it me

DH: Is the word in yet?

SS: Tests are completed. The n00bcannons works!!

DH: And your 100% certain about this?

SS: Pedriana got totally obliterated. The cannons work. There is a side effect however.

DH: What is this side effect?

SS: Tell him Kirby. What is this minor side effect you failed to tell us about?

K: Well, it can be argued that with n00bcannon being a prototype, the temperature being higher than I expected and the fact that I used bluetack to put the cannon together could have caused an audience member to grow 5 extra arms and legs on his chest. However it is my opinion that he was like that before he was targeted.

DH: so your telling me that you targeted a member of the audience with a weapon that you put together with bluetack. WHY

K: Fun. Why else?

DH: …Why do I allow you to live?

K: because I was able to get that inserted into the contract that I got you to sign.

DH: just come back to you and prepare the cannons for the Turori match. I am beginning to have my doubt this plan.

Points Rapt Up



Hypocria 0 – 1 Raptor Claw



There was a near capacity crowd packed inside the, recently renamed, Hyppodrome to watch Hypocria’s first ever home fixture and, despite the result, the majority went home happy.

The Hypocrian coach Guylain N’Dungu-Nsungu reverted back to his favoured 4-4-2 system and brought back Danny West into the starting eleven in place of Luc Sinclair. The switch produced a much better performance from his side but they just weren’t quite good enough to stop Raptor Claw, the 27th ranked team in the world.

The Hyppos (as they are now known) started brightly with Baxter and Burdali controlling the play in midfield. They nearly took the lead in the eighth minute when Golla was released down the right but his cross was headed over by Dospel. It proved to be the best chance of the first half as both sides were content to test out the opposition.

Raptor Claw started to assert their authority in the second half and took the lead in the 58th minute after an excellent passing move. The ball started with the keeper and after 27 passes was nestled in the back of Kindelan’s goal. The Hyppos responded well and West forced a good save from the keeper. Kindelan had to be at his best to keep the Raptor Claw lead down to one goal but still the Hyppos weren’t out of it. Burdali, who has been attracting attention from foreign clubs, shot wide when well placed and substitute Liberda saw his effort hit a post. It just wasn’t to be.

“Every game we play, regardless of the result, makes us that bit stronger”, the coach told reporters. “For long periods we matched a side ranked way above us and that is something to be proud of. We have Kajiztahn at home next and then Lucianic away, two sides ranked below us so for once we can go into a match as favourites, hopefully we can play like favourites too.”


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake
7. Petras
8. Burdali
14. Drakes
16. Dospel
20. West
21. Veron (replaced by 10. Liberda, 72)



In the other games it was definitely not a good day for the home teams in Group 9 as the higher ranked nations started to flex their sporting muscles and pull away from the rest. Sarzonia continued their good form with a comprehensive 5 – 0 win in Lucianic, Druida have been finding goals with difficult but one was enough to beat Tonissia and Chicanda beat Kajiztahn 1 – 0.


Group 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 10 3 1 0 12:0 12
2. Druida 8 2 2 0 3:0 3
3. Raptor Claw 8 2 2 0 3:1 2
4. Chicanada 7 2 1 1 2:2 0
5. Hypocria 4 1 1 2 2:4 -2
6. Tonissia 2 0 2 2 1:3 -2
7. Lucianic 2 0 2 2 1:7 -6
8. Kajiztahn 1 0 1 3 1:8 -7



MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

IT'S
WORLD CUP WATCH
with Al Orehson and Woody Table!

Al Orehson: Hey folks, welcome to World Cup Watch with Al Orehson and Woody Table. I'm Al Orehson, evident enough in the text transcript of this show that has this whole long diatribe of mine preceded by my name that you're likely reading. Woody, what're we talkin' about today?

Woody Table: Well, I think what's on everyone's mind is the Torrence Black fiasco -- is he in, or is he out?

Orehson: Based on the fact he's always preached about the team about not having expectations, so as to not set themselves up for disappointment -- he's not coming around for this match against Bipedal Apes, given the pretty optimistic view of the outcome. I'm sure he detests that and'll give this one a miss.

Table: I'll agree with you there; he seems to have left in disgust of their play, and then feeling as if a win is possible probably doesn't rub him the right way. I'm sure he'll be back, but not by matchday five. That said, what do you think of Harry Utterer?

Orehson: Great name?

Table: I was thinking we'd venture into more Cup related matters.

Orehson: Oh. Right. Well, he seems to be spotty with Megalopolis City F.C. Afterall, they exited the NSFA Cup 2 after losing 5-1 aggregate.

Table: But that was with a large midfield.

Orehson: Hopefully that's a benefit of the doubt situation -- and more hopefully, he'll stick with the 5-3-2. I think he'll preform under the circumstances, and remember, it isn't always the manager/coach/dude.

Table: And he is working a match vs. an unranked team.

Orehson: Right. At worst I see a draw, but he'd really need to try to lose.

Table: Or we totally suck.

Orehson: Win or draw, I say.

Table: Speaking of, let's talk about Oglethorpia maintaining fourth in the table.

Orehson: Well, they had a magnificent chance against Five Civilized Nations to occupy third, effectively switching places with them -- but as we know, they lost.

Table: Another point to make is that if Oglethorpia draws or loses today, a Five Nations victory or even draw will be a real bummer.

Orehson: Right, there won't be many opportunities to close up the point gap given the side's uneven preformance, so today's fairly important in seeing how in contention the Ostriches really are.

Table: Final verdict, what say you?

Orehson: I say Five Nations loses, or makes a draw at best -- then Oglethorpia wins or draws, my prediction; the former. At worst, that leaves Oglethorpia trailing Five Civilized Nations two points, and at best, one point.

Table: I'll disagree -- while Oglethorpia will win in my estimation, so shall Five Nations doing little to bring them closer.

Orehson: I guess we'll see.

Table: Indeed we will.

Orehson: All that's said to have been said, this's been World Cup Watch; i'm Al Orehson, and for Woody Table, goodnight.

Ashley Standard

Kodiaks finish road trip on winning note
Chicanda claw back into contention after 7 point road trip.

Chicanada FA Presidum Hayden Quonesh must be happier today.

The Kodiaks finished off a quick road trip with a 1-0 victory in Kajiztahn to give the national side 7 points in three games and move them only one point behind Raptor Claw and Druida for a qualifying slot.

After a ho-hum nil-all match against a very strong Druida game, the Kodiaks got their second win and goal of the qualifiers by Risa FC Forward Iago Jezbil, who scored off a header from Predence Loeri, getting a start after heading over to Cockbill Street for a match to his other home squad, in the 42nd minute. Backup goalkeep Raslan Seregn looks to become a full time keeper with his shining performances in the games against Lucianic, Druida and Kajiztahn.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia (@ Bishop Stadia, Bishop County)
MD6: Sarzonia (@ Southampton National Square, Southampton)
MD7: @ Raptor Claw
MD8: @ Hypocria
MD9: Lucianic (@ Souther Sky Dome, Star Point)
MD10: Druida (@ Easten National Arena, Eastentown)
MD11: Kajiztahn (@ The Governess Palace, Colombo)
MD12: @ Tonissia
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: How about that, a winning record on the road!

Florizen: But we're oh-and-oh-and-one at home so far.

Quonesh: Well, Livingston's stadia suck anyways. Bishop Stadia and the National Sqare are much better fields to play on.

Florizen: Well, maybe for Tonissa but we have the group leader right after it.

Quonesh: Sarzonia? Any team is beatable.

Florizen: As are we if we look too far forward. Tonissa's been playing well.

Quonesh: I have no doubt Finn will make the team ready for the Tonissians and should have a good shot for better standing after Sarzonia.

Florizen: Then we go to Raptor Claw and start over on the road against Hypocria.

Quonesh: Who the hell made up this schedule?!

Flroizen: Dunno sir, but we need to be ready...

It hadn't been a particularly long drive, what with Spruitland not being a particularly large nation, but the group arrived at a small camping location quite removed from any obvious prying eyes. They set up their tents and other camping equipment by the side of the Humvee. Dave, using one of the easy-to-operate devices in their equipment, signalled that they had set up their initial position.

While Dave fried sausages over a campfire, however, the three most-useful members of the party - as far as special operations go - headed off to being their mission. Dressed in just the right ammount of black clothing as to not arouse any suspicion that they were on some kind of crazy government agency-sponsored secret mission, Charlie, Jay and Keira headed off through the forests and fields of this particularly-hilly section of central Spruitland.

"There it is," Jay said, motioning for them to duck down as they reached the crest of a low hill, flanked by trees. He got his personal binoculars out and scanned the compound, "the usual," he said, "fence, crops, main building with helipad. Doesn't look like much security."

"What the 'ell are you looking at?" Charlie squinted into the distance. "What's that white fing all the way over there?"

"It's the facility we're after," Keira said with a sigh, offering Charlie her own goggles "try looking through these."

"Faakin' 'ell," Charlie said, "some power on these babies."

"It's amazing what a bit of worthwhile military funding can get you," Jay said with a grin, "c'mon, we need a little selection of those peas."

They crouched low as they ran through the thick undergrowth surrounding the simple chain-link and barb-wire fence. Before long, the three were kneeling by a post in the fence, looking around for security. Just yards away, on the other side, was a crop of fresh black-eyed peas, as grown by the genetic whizz-kids of Spruit Inc. Who knows what incredible advances they had made to that little yellowy pea with the black bit in it?

One quickly applied usage of a set of bolt-cutters later - Charlie does have his uses after all - and some swift five-finger dicount of so green-fingered items, the three are back on their merry way to the Humvee. There we find sausages gently frying under Dave's culinary skills, and Royal Seaford trying to teach Yandaki how to get better at keepy-uppy.

Kiera tossed the bag to Dave, who began his speciality of mushy peas. He wasn't used to using black-eyed peas, of course, but he made do. The whole group sat down to dinner, upon completion of which the next task began. Taking the ball again, Roy rolled it back using the underside of his foot and then flicked it up into the air with his toes. After keeping the ball up - hence the name of the game - with his thighs, he volleyed the ball towards the nearest tree, just scraping the outside of it.

"Is that good?" Kiera asked.

"No," Dave and Royal said together, though Dave continued, "he's been hit-and-miss on that tree all day."

"So this first set was a bust?" Jay asked.

"Well and truly," Dave replied, "are they any good at that science stuff really, or is it just a bad crop?"

"The rest is probably underground or stored in the building," Keira said, "its just plain old black-eyed peas on the outside."

"The Dead-eyed Peas will be a little more difficult to get our hands on." Jay said.

Stars throttle Lucianic 5-0

So much for looking past the newcomers.

Sarzonia played a match that many supporters dismissed as a tune up for the critical battle against second place Druida. However, the Stars played the match with every bit of the fire and intensity they displayed in the championship run in World Cup XXII, getting a hat trick from forward Barry Alphonso and goals from Brian Wilson and Darwin Russell en route to a 5-0 domination of Lucianic.

"We wanted to get out there and play great football," Coach Dave Wilson said. "We don't buy into the whole idea of any match at this level being a tune up match or a time to take even one moment off. We've got to be ready to leave it all on the line."

Goalkeeper Horace Sandt continued his streak of six straight matches without conceding a goal but was rarely tested, only facing one shot. Sandt said he expected to get more of a test against Druida.

"Right now, I'm facing more shots in training than I have been the last few matches," he said. "That's not going to happen against the Druids. Mark my words."

Even if Sandt faced more shots than he has to this point in this World Cup qualifying effort, the Stars have gained enormous confidence in their goalkeeper. The team has not played reserve goalkeeper Harvey Cooley since the Ts'kinvali Cup invitational against South Osettia and Dave Wilson said he didn't expect to play Cooley "unless Hor tears something.

"I strongly believe in playing the hot goalkeeper," Dave Wilson said. "And right now, Hor's been as hot as they get."

thsd:NEWS

Win And Loss

DESPITE a dominant three-nil win in distant Buben, the Caleys slipped to second in Group Six after Squornshelous went one better against Milchama. It makes for a massive game on Matchday Five as Krytenia and the Pschychoes meet up in Vogsphere.

And so to the match. Although "match" would make the assumption that there were two sides in this. A silly handball gave Krytenia a penalty (and, thanks to the red card, a man adavantage) on three minutes, and Phil Neasden buried the chance. Just four minutes later, and an Isserson through ball led to an unmissable chance for Neasden to double the scoreline, which he gobbled up with much gusto.

The game fell flat after this, Krytenia conserving energy, but there was still time for a third, Andy Tay putting home a free kick after even more sloppy defending. Full time was a welcome relief for Buben.

In other news, the Cafetiere Cup rules have now been finalised. The two group results will be aggregated, the winner taking the Golden Cafetiere. The pot will be kept by FMJPhoenix in the event of an aggregate tie.

In other other news, a group of Krytenian fans calling themselves the "Takil Army" have released a record, set to go straight to Number One. A transcript of the lyrics is given below for thsd readers to chant their hearts out to.

[OOC: To the tune of "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing"]

I'd like to teach the world to score
And play attackingly
I'd like to give them va'takil
So they win games four-three

I'd like to build the world a ground
And furnish it with goals
I'd like to make them realise
That va'karela's dull

I'd like to manage Spruitland
And coach the Orange-Blues
I'd teach their players how to press
And counter-attack too

(That's the way we play)
I'd like to teach the world to score
(And we all score together)
And play attackingly

I'd like to teach the world to score
And play attackingly

I'd like to build the world a ground
And furnish it with goals
I'd like to make them realise
That va'karela's dull

BUBEN - 0
KRYTENIA - 3
Neasden 3,7
Tay 63

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD2: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD3: A v Kipto-Mare
MD4: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD5: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD6: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD7: A v Caprine States

End of MD5 RP bonus...

THE TAKIL ARMY PRESENTS:
"The Coffee Song"

[OOC: To the tune of Ocean Colour Scene's "The Day We Caught The Train"]

You never thought that it would stay, over in FMJ
Clapping in the grandstands, chanting till our throats are sore
Blowing out my seat in the seconds that we score
Cos nil-nil draws are just a bore

Sitting in the stands, raising both hands, pints are just an hour away,
Looking at the pitch getting drunk on a football holiday.
We came down to drink your beer, and take home the cafetiere, that's what we say
Roll another, watch a thunder shot like Jimmy saved the day we won the game.

Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala
Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala

We chug another pint of beer, we're not welcome here
Walking like Neasden puffing on a pack of 10
Rolling on the floor when the Phoenix fans walked in
We'll miss the rush and we're home again.
Stepping through the door with a night in store munching on a takeaway,
Step into the room in the hotel feeling its a brighter day.

We came down to drink your beer, and take home the cafetiere, that's what we say
Roll another, watch a thunder shot like Jimmy saved the day we won the game.

Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala
Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala

You and I should watch the match and cheer them on just like there's no tomorrow
Yeah you and I should watch the match and cheer them on just like there's no tomorrow

Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala
Ooh Lala, Ooh Lala

When you find the fans are going wild don't you need days like these
When you find the fans are going wild don't you need days like these
When you find the fans are going wild don't you need days like these

The scene is the office of Yannick Perreault, the chairman of the SFA (Squornshelan Football Association). He leans back in his chair throwing darts at a target on the door to his office. If only he hadn't shot his office TV at the end of the Pschychoes first match against Garinas. That draw had been so frustrating. He throws another dart, failing even to hit the target. At that moment, the door swings open and a messenger pops his head in.
"Mr. Perreault? I came with the match results as you asked sir."

"Good, what happened." Perreault was frantic to know the results, the stupid little clause that he wasn't allowed to leave the SFA building during working hours was ridiculous. If only he hadn't shot all of the other TV's in the building as well.

"There's some good news, some bad news, and some worse news."

"Good news first."

"Well sir, the good news is that we still haven't allowed any goals in qualifying."

"And the bad news?"

"We didn't score any in this match either."

"Damn!" Perreault though for a moment. "Well at least we're still on top by Goal Differential."

"There's still the worse news sir."

"What?"

"Fmjphoenix beat Milchama 4-0 sir, they're now in first place with 12 points to our 11."

After carefull consideration, the remainder of this conversation has been deleted due to its inappropriate content, specificly profuse swearing and violence.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 2
Perez: 2
Skritsch: 2
Popov: 1
Zikov: 1
Orlov: 1

Region 6 Standings after Matchday 5:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Fmjphoenix 12 4 0 1 8:2 6
2. Squornshelous 11 3 2 0 9:0 9
3. Krytenia 11 3 2 0 8:0 8
4. Kipto-Mare 7 1 4 0 3:2 1
5. Buben 4 1 1 3 3:7 -4
6. Milchama 4 1 1 3 2:13 -11
7. Caprine States 3 1 0 4 3:7 -4
8. Garinas 2 0 2 3 1:6 -5


Up Next:
On paper, this game looks a lot closer than it really is. Kipto-Mare really doesn't pose much of a threat to the Pschychoes, and will probably be defeated easily. What the top three will look like depends greatly on the outcome of the Krytenia-Fmjphoenix match.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare vs Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Fmjphoenix puts four in, tops group for at least one day

It took five matches for the offense to click, but against Milchama, they were rolling hard. All four goals came within 20 minutes of each other, all in the second half. Shelly Berry scored two goals, Mike Nolan put in one and Eli Grimm scored his first international goal as the Fmjphoenix Vikings routed Milchama 4-0, en route to their third straight victory and first place in the group rankings.

The first half of the match saw limited opportunities. The first opportunity was by Milchama in the 17th minute, but it was wide right by about 5 feet. They managed to get one more shot off in the 36th minute, but Powell Lamar was with the striker all the way. The Vikings saw three shots, one early by Berry in the 8th minute that was deflected. In the 22nd and 42nd minutes, Hud Lawson took a shot, but dead on, into the arms of the keeper. The first half was mostly sloppy play around midfield, neither team really keeping hold of the ball for a long period of time. The first half ended with nearly 50-50 possession for both teams.

When the teams returned, it was as if they were going to play the exact same way again. But Shelly Berry had another idea. Eli Grimm made a great challenge to steal the ball away from a Milchama midfielder. After he started upfield, the swing was on. He crossed over to Nolan, who lofted a pass up to Berry, and she chipped a shot in from 15 feet out, right over a charging keeper for a 1-0 lead in the 63rd minute. Five minutes later, Eli Grimm was given his first opportunity to score. He recieved a 35 foot pass from Leider Duran and was alone in the box against the Milchama keeper. All it took was one kick and it was past the keeper and the Vikings were up 2-0. Three minutes later, Berry was at it again, this time running along the left side of the pitch unmarked. She got a pass from the opposite side of the field from Jason Mitchell, and she was alone in the box. She easily dispatched the keeper to bring the score to 3-0. Mike Nolan took care of the last goal in the 83rd minute. He was given a penelty shot after being intentionally tripped up by a Milchama defender. He easily dropped the ball into the upper-right corner of the goal, barely over the hands of the keeper and right into a 4-0 lead. The Vikings held on to the ball for the final minutes of the match, not allowing Milchama getting any opportunities to score or even try to get into the match.

This was exactly the type of match that they were looking for. With the victory, and the draw between Squornshelous and Krytenia, Fmjphoenix gets to enjoy a rarity at this time, first place. They have 12 points on four wins and one loss. Next up for the Vikings is Krytenia. Later on there will be a report about the Golden Cafetiere, which has been in Vanguard for the past 20 years.

Fmjphoenix: 4 - Milchama: 0
Berry 63, 71, Grimm 68, Nolan 83 - None

Vikings Scorers:
Nolan: 3
Berry: 3
Grimm: 1
Daniels: 1

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 4-0-1, 12 points
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas Win 1-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States Win 2-0
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama Win 4-0
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


Hurray!

Spruitland - Anarchist Canuckistan: 1 – 0

Well, let’s not get fooled by the enthusiam of this article’s title. Is the ‘couldn’t score in a brothel’-curse lifted? Honestly, we don’t know. What we do know is that the Spruitland Wabbits won their first match in World Cup Qualifying tonight. And for that, well, you have to score a goal. Which they did. Kinda.

The match against Anarchist Canuckistan did not turn into the goal-fest Spruitland supporters were hoping for, though. In fact, for a long time, it was more of the same. Wolters and Jools, the two frustrated forwards, did all they could to get the ball past the Anarchist goalie. And as in the four previous matches, not a damn thing seemed to work.

The Wabbits had the game firmly under control. The defense was alert, the midfield was rock’n’rolling, creating more chances than any forward could wish for. But it didn’t matter who ended up shooting the ball at goal, each and every time the chance went wasted.

Frustration in the King Alfons Stadium grew to unsurpassed heights, and by the end of the first half, spectators – almost all of them Spruitlanders – were booing their team for every missed chance. One could see the tension on Cor Bensen’s face as his team went into the dressing room with another scoreless draw in the making.

It didn’t get any easier in the second half. As time ticked away, the booing became louder. Even a few substitutions to play with four strikers did not seem to have a notable effect. Then, with ten minutes to go, some supporters had just started to leave the stadium, and bookmakers across Spruitland were loading their revolvers and looping ropes, when a surge of hope went through the nation: the referee awarded a penalty kick!

Tension grew even more, because everybody remembered the previous game, when Balt Luyckx missed the penalty kick against Nova Britannicus. But this time, Dirk Jools was still on the field, and the confidence with which he stepped up to take the shot rubbed off on the spectators. Jools would not – could not – miss?

Nevertheless, the whole nation held its breath. This penalty was even more important than Jan Wolters’ deciding penalty in the regional final of the Baptism of Fire, which sent Spruitland to the final.

Jools started his run-up, a slight hesitation in his first step. He struck the ball well, aiming it at the lower right corner of the goal. The Anarchist Canuckistan goalkeeper dived in the right direction, but was down on the ground just a tad too late. The ball slid past him – bounced off the post – struck the goalkeepers back – and rebounded into the goal!

The cheer that went through the nation measured 6.3 on the Richter scale. People in the stadium fell into each other’s arms, weeping tears of joy, utterly ignoring those few hundred individuals that had passed out from the tension. Afterwards it would also become clear that 87 Spruitlanders, somewhere in the nation, had died of heart-failure the exact moment the ball struck the post.

There was a little confusion whether this was an own goal or not, but the goal was officially registered to Dirk Jools’ name.

“Of course it’s my goal,” Jools scowled after the match. “Own goal my ass! I intended it just the way it happened. A little extra excitement never killed anyone!”

But as relieved as everyone was with the goal and the three points, the fear that the curse might not yet have been lifted still remains. The nation now anxiously awaits the next match, away to Reichsdeutschland, for definite proof. The Wabbits desperately need a clear win, with two, three, or – dare we dream – four goals, to bring confidence back to an acceptable level.

Spruitland - Anarchist Canuckistan: 1 – 0
1-0 Jools (81’ pen.)


MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus: 0 – 0
MD 5: SPRUITLAND – Anarchist Canuckistan: 1 – 0
Up next…
MD 6: Reichsdeutschland – SPRUITLAND
MD 7: Starblaydia – SPRUITLAND

Stars slam Druida 2-0

After an easy 5-0 win in the previous match, Sarzonia's national football team was expecting a much tougher match against Druida. While the scoreline was much closer, the outcome was still never in doubt. Goals by Brian Wilson and reserve forward Bruce Badger and a three save effort from goalkeeper Horace Sandt propelled Sarzonia to a 2-0 win that knocked the Druids into fourth place.

"We knew this was going to be our biggest test in the early going," Coach Dave Wilson said. "We played a quality game of football against a quality football side and we're going to have to get more of that as the qualifiers go on."

Brian Wilson started the match with a shot on goalkeeper Elmo van der Hesselvenatchov just 50 seconds into the match, setting the tone for the rest of the match. Sarzonia outshot Druida 24-9 and kept the ball in Druida's offensive end for 49 minutes to Druida's 37 minutes in Sarzonia's end.

"We wanted this to be a statement match," Brian Wilson said. "We wanted to send a message that we could beat a strong footballing side and we accomplished that goal."

thsd:NEWS

No Goals, No Luck, No Fun

TWO well-matched sides met in this crunch game in Vogsphere. Too well matched as it turned out, as both teams battered each other to a standstill in one of the most exciting nil-nil draws seen in World Cup history.

The football was end-to-end throughout, both keepers being called on to make saves from the outset. Both the Caleys and the Pschychoes managed well over thirty shots on goal apiece, with Neasden and Keda for the visitors, and Alexander Popov for Squornshelous, all hitting various pieces of woodwork.

Unfortunately, the draw was the worst possible result for sides. FMJPhoenix handed Milchama their THIRD four-nil tanking and take the group lead by a point, Krytenia third behind Squornshelous by virtue of having scored one goal less.

Next up? As if you didn't know! It's the first leg of the Cafetiere Cup clash against FMJPhoenix in Vanguard. Oh, how we'd all like to see that gleaming coffee pot take it's rightful place at KFA Headquarters - plus a victory would put the Caleys at least second, and possibly even top.

In other news, Starblaydia's record 24-game unbeaten run in qualifiers came to an abrupt end, as they lost one-nil to former world champions Crystilakere. Krytenia's current run is sixteen - can they break the record? They're going to try. Also notable is Tadjikistan's two-one victory over our good neighbours Bedistan - a result that means fifteen wins on the trot for the Tigers.

SQUORNSHELOUS - 0
KRYTENIA - 0

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD2: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD3: A v Kipto-Mare
MD4: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD5: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD6: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD7: A v Caprine States

Joe Stump was your typical employee of the Oglethorpian Border Entry and Egress Control Office. After seven years, he’d worked his way up through the channels from Visa Stamper, Fourth Class to the esteemed position of Second Assistant Chief Visa Stamper and Inspector for Gates 1-10, Third Terminal, Bureaucratic National Airport. He earned enough parcels to pay for food, clothing, his feet, and in a good week, a six-pack of beer on Friday.

His peers hated him for rising so quickly through the ranks, and his superiors feared the day when he would knock on their respective doors with the infamous Orange Slip... the one ominously printed, “If you are reading this, you have been removed. The bearer of this paper is hereby promoted to your former duties. Report to the Office of Compensation and Efficiency to receive your new assignment.” No one was ever assigned to a better position; to get a better position, you had to be the bearer, not the reader. Stump had been the bearer twelve times during his seven years at the OBEECO. Not an all-time record, but certainly a nice heady clip. He was, he figured, no more than four months from making First Assistant Chief Visa Stamper and Inspector, which would increase his staff from seventeen to twenty-four, and would mean enough parcels for an extra pack of hotdogs every Saturday. Damn, but he loved hotdogs.

He had a corner cubicle in the central terminal office that received nearly seventeen minutes of natural light per day. Seventeen coveted minutes; a Visa Stamper and Inspector, First Class, did have a cubicle, it’s true; but they received at most four minutes of natural light, and in many cases, none at all. And so it was with a perfectly unsurprising degree of disgust that Stump greeted the news that Loretta Billingsly, Visa Inspector Second Class assigned to inspect Visas at Gate Three for a shift beginning at 1200 hours and ending at 1730 hours, with allowance for a personal break from 1420 hours to 1440 hours, had not reported back to her station by said 1440 hours; that her relief, Milton Scofield, Visa Inspector Second Class, was attached not to Stump’s detail but to that of Lao-June Chen, the Second Assistant Chief Visa Stamper and Inspector for Gates 11-20, and was therefore unwilling to remain at the post longer than the bureaucratically mandated twenty minutes; and that Ronald Peabody, Visa Stamper and Inspector Third Class, who would normally rush to the scene in such a case, was absent with an illness of the eustachian tubes.

In an nutshell, Joe had to cover until Loretta showed up. Which meant he’d miss at least half of his seventeen minutes of natural light, which were provided by a sunbeam that, according to the almanac, would begin crossing the corner of his desk at 1442 hours and complete its trip, not surprisingly, at 1459.

Cursing Loretta under his breath, and promising to give Ronald Peabody more ear pains than his stupid eustachian tubes could provide, Stump hurried down to the gate. Each passing minute was a minute he would owe Milton Scofield; a minute, in other words, that he’d have to send someone to cover Scofield’s shift outside the mandated break-coverage period; a minute that would come off Stump’s own budget; a minute he could either cover himself, personally, or charge to the department at the expense of his coveted Efficiency Rating.

He knew damn well he’d be covering the minutes himself. Over at (he shuddered as he ran) one of Chen’s gates. Where things, frankly, smelled funny. Stump couldn’t have said what it was about other Assistant Chiefs’ gates that caused them to be less than perfectly-run, but there was no question about it; it was simply unpleasant to work over there. It mystified him that Milton Scofield was in such a hurry to get back to his own territory. One would have thought that he’d be relieved to have an excuse to stay at Gate Three, where things were nice and the atmosphere efficient, rather than being so eager to scurry back to that den of impropriety that began as the moving walkway passed Gate Ten.

Stump was practically sprinting by the time gate Three hove into view. He could see Scofield seated at the folding table, alternately making foreign visitors squirm by scrutinizing their paperwork, and making them squirm by scrutinizing his wristwatch. Stump glanced at his own as he skidded to a halt beside Scofield’s table: 1443. Not so bad, considering it was a five-minute walk from the office to the gate.

“What ho,” he said, trying to sound jaunty. “You’re relieved.”

“Five minutes late,” Scofield said, standing.

“Three minutes.” Stump pointed to his watch.

“Five minutes,” Scofield scowled, pointing to his own. “You know the rule. Time out is the later of either department’s clocks.”

“Are you sure you’re synchronized?” Stump asked as he sat, knowing full well the answer, but being careful not to give Chen’s man an inch.

“I’m sure.”

“Well, check it when you get back.”

“Right. That’s seven minutes you’ll owe.”

“Seven! At worst, that’s five!”

“Seven. Look at the traffic out there.” Scofield indicated the gangway, which was indeed crowded.

“That’s not my problem,” Stump protested. “Transit time’s not part of the break coverage.”

Scofield turned to go. “It is if traffic get significantly worse during the delay waiting for relief,” he shot over his shoulder before disappearing into the crowd.

“Damn,” Stump muttered. He could protest that one, and probably win, but it would take more resources than simply giving Chen the extra two minutes. That Scofield was a real rat-bastard. The Assistant Chief turned his attention to the line of foreigners before him, ready to turn his anger on the first person with a misspelled word on their visa. To his surprise, it was not a person that stood before him. “What the hell?” he exclaimed. “You’re an ape.”

The ape looked around as if to confirm that this was indeed the case, and then nodded.

Stump blinked, wondering if the ape was a foreign visitor, and if so, whether it had a visa. No one standing nearby seemed to be its trainer, or keeper, or whatever. It seemed to be travelling alone. He wondered if it could understand him.

“So you’re an ape,” he said, and it nodded again. Apparently it could understand him. “You have paperwork?”

The ape nodded again, and handed over several crumpled sheets. Stump smoothed them out a bit and took a look. ‘Republic of Bipedal Apes,’ read an official-looking seal on a letter that was either very poorly translated, or written by someone with a poor grasp of articles. ‘To whom it may concern,’ read the letter, ‘Foreign Ministry of Republic of Bipedal Apes requests all diplomatic considerations for football squad, coaches, and attendants during stay in esteemed Bureaucracy of Oglethorpia including free rights of travel as necessary for competition in World Cup qualification match. All paperwork properly submitted through proper bureaucratic channels properly and correctly. See attachments A and B. Thank you and good night.’

Screwy, thought Stump, but correct. Aside from the grammatical errors, the letter was in proper format. And attached were BSO forms 115,671 A and 115,671 B, attesting to the ape’s citizenship in the Republic of Bipedal Apes, wherever that was, and of the nature and legitimacy of her temporary employment status in the Bureaucratic States. Though it seemed odd, so far the ape checked out.

“Visa?” Stump requested. The ape handed it over: the standard gold-white-and-green official permission to enter and travel within Oglethorpia. “Throckspartle,” Stump read. “That your full name?”

“Yes,” said the ape.

“Female, it says.”

“Of course.”

“Right, of course. You’re a football player, then?”

“Coach.”

“Where’s the rest of the team?”

“Rest of team took earlier flight. They been in Oglethorpia since last week.”

“You’re pretty articulate for an ape.”

“What that supposed mean?”

“Nothing, nothing. The apes in Oglethorpia don’t usually talk, that’s all.”

“That ‘cause they dumb semi-evolved primitives.”

“No doubt. All right, Throckspartle, are you carrying any undeclared fruits or vegetables?”

“No.”

“Any small arms, explosives, rockets, or other controlled weaponry?”

“No.”

“Any drugs controlled substances, or narcotics?”

“Bananas count?”

“No.”

“No, then.”

“Did you declare your bananas?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll need to see the inspection certificate.”

The ape pursed her lips and dug around in the side compartment to her rolling carry-on. After a moment she came up with the lime-green form. It was completed properly, bearing the official stamp of the Agricultural and Organic Products Inspection Unit.

“All right, this seems to be in order. Are you currently suffering from any diseases, afflictions, or mental disorders?”

“What?”

“What what? You want me to repeat the question?”

“No, no, everything fine.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Are you ill?”

“Absolutely healthy.”

Throckspartle shrugged, looking (if such were possible for an ape) nervous. Technically, Stump had no reason to detain her. He had no evidence that she was not, as she claimed healthy. If it had been a normal day, if he was just filling in at the gate during the normal course of business, he’d absolutely have let it go. But this was not a normal day, it was a crappy day, and even as he sat here asking questions of this talking ape, the sunbeam was traipsing gaily across his desktop, unobserved. Surreptitiously he pressed the red button under the table which summoned two officers of the Security and Enforcement Unit.

“All right, Miss Throckspartle. Why don’t you just step aside for a moment?” he suggested.

The ape did as he asked, but with a disdainful air. “Humph,” she snorted. “It ‘Ms.,’ not ‘Miss,’” she corrected.

“Right, sorry, Ms. Throckspartle.”

“Use correct title when addressing bigwigs.”

“Certainly. These two gentlemen will just ask you a few more questions, if that’s all right.”

“Fine. But have to be at stadium by nine o’clock.”

“Not up to me,” Stump said to himself. But in a sense it was; no one who got the red button pressed on them ever made it to the stadium by nine o’clock.

The Natestadt Inquirer—Founding member of the Cult of the Impotent State

Message from the Editor
In the last few weeks, the Inquirer has received a large number of complaints about the lack of articles on the ongoing soccer World Cup qualifiers. These articles have unfortunately been unavailable for publishing due to circumstances beyond our control. Certain materials needed to publish these articles have been requested from the World Cup 23 organizing committee, but the Rejistanian postal service has taken its slani time (2 months and counting) in delivering the giant magnetic disks that look like something out of an old science fiction movie. The committee has refused to publish these materials electronically, because, with “modern” Rejistanian technology, the data would upload very slowly and wold be extremely vulnerable to data loss. When the Inquirer offered a state-of-the-art Capitalizt computer system, and basic networking technologies, the committee rejected it as an “evil Takilan bribe,” despite efforts such as the recent 0–0 draw with Cockbill Street to attempt to gain the Karelan hosts’ favor.

Bipedal Times
Trans-border newspaper of the RBA

Bureaucratic Mess in Bureaucratic States

By Bonga

Oglethorpia - The Two-Footers arrived in esteemed upright-walking human nation of Oglethorpia last week to play Ostriches in fifth qualifying match of 23rd World Cup of Football, still riding high from home victory last month over Finrodia. Team was furthermore enthused to learn that coach Ms. Throckspartle would finally be returning to active duties, no longer coach by proxy from hospital bed. Both Throckspartle and fine assistant Wagfal were released from hospital this week after clever doctors found combination of analgesics and painkillers that finally reduced symptoms of massive head-ouchies to bearable levels.

Wagfal travelled with squad, showing best imitation of Ms. Throckspartle seen in some time, as constant dull pain inspired greater than usual head-whacking. Electing to spend as much time in hospital as possible, Throckspartle was flown to Oglethorpia on match day, set to arrive several hours before kickoff. Despite physical absence of Throckspartle, squad drilled as if coach were present throughout.

However, potential disaster struck yesterday afternoon as mutton-headed bureaucrats at Oglethorpia National Airport accidentally detained poor Throckspartle until after match had begun. Wagfal begged officials for stay while RBACFA bigwigs spent desperate hours on phone with strange Oglethorpian rule-lovers, trying to get esteemed humans to release coach from detention.

Officials declined postponement of kickoff, and so Wagfal had to do best to keep squad’s spirits up at matchtime. It was a sullen eleven that took pitch, wondering where good Ms. Throckspartle had got to and what had become of her. Ironically, Oglethorpian press reports indicated last week that Ostrich coach planned to boycott match; both sides entered game without leadership. Oglethorpian humans, however, played as if they desired victory, while apes seemed thoroughly dispirited.

First half of match saw Two-Footers barely challenging on offense, while defense was up to eyeballs in shots by Ostrich strikers. Mel Memorable in particular kept keeper Hobartleby busy, making four attempts but netting none. Hobartleby played like ape possessed, diving left, right, and center to stop shots. Proboscid and Wampoonder were standouts as well, latter making fine tackle against Bill Xmas when Hobartleby was caught out of position.

Half ended with no score. Then small miracle occurred. Suddenly Throckspartle, released from airport custody, turned up in locker room. Great rejoicing and headsmacking all around led to new determination in second-half play of Two-Footers. From moment Angstohm kicked off to Melloopa, was clear apes were playing on two feet again. Ostrich defense was pressured from start of half, and Two-Footers started making chances. Fine play of famous Oglethorpian keeper Hip Replac saved shots by Gazeboo and Melloopa in early going, but relentless attacks finally produced better opportunities. At seventy-two minutes, Angstohm finally broke through weary Ostrich defense and netted shot out of Replac’s reach. Apes were up nil-one.

Thousands upon thousands of screaming happy Oglethorpian supporters cheered their side to gain equalizer, and Ostriches fought hard for it. Throckspartle’s defenders equaled challenge, denying Ostrich attacks until penalty on Pigpiggie in eightieth minute for late tackle gave Memorable free kick from mere fifteen meters. Enraged Throckspartle benched stupid male, putting Hooboy back on pitch for first time in two matches; and watched as fine human striker sent shot just over crossbar. Miss seemed to take some wind from Ostrich squad, and Two-Footers became more aggressive in final minutes. At eighty-five, Melloopa achieved first Trans-border goal on pass from Zung between slowing defenders. As time ran out, squad was finally able to celebrate fruits of victory with beloved Throckspartle, and carried her about pitch on shoulders for nearly five minutes.

Surprising final score:

Bureaucratic States of Oglethorpia - 0
Republic of Bipedal Apes - 2 (Angstohm (72), Melloopa (85))

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpian optimism brought to a screeching halt

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- The Ostriches of Oglethorpia entered matchday five both in fine position in group four and feeling fairly optimistic. They'd leave 90 minutes later far out of contention in the group and decidedly embarassed.

Few thought Oglethorpia would come out of the match vs. Bipedal Apes with anything less than a draw; not only did the Two-Footers secure the victory, but with clear margin, two goals to none.

"No, not bad luck," said goalie Hip Replac after the match. "That's just the skill of the [Olgethorpian] national side hard at work. It took us a good 71 minutes, but we finally decided we wanted to lose bad enough to an unranked opponent. Make no mistake, people are gonna lose jobs over this one."

But by no means does Replac mean to detract from the Two-Footers.

"They played a superior match -- technically, and you could definitely tell they also wanted it more than us. They successfully demonstrated that #80th in the world today meant absolutely nothing."

The Bipedal Apes kept the match even fully through the first half and twenty-seven into the second, until a goal by Angstohm in the 72nd. Another goal by the side in the 85th rendered the possibility of an Oglethorpian salvage null and void.

The decisive upset at the Ostriches' home stadium was immediately followed by gross speculation -- lack of md 1-4 manager Torrence Black, unpleasantly warm weather, Harry Utterer's relative inexperience with the squad, etc.

With the loss came a slew of short term effects, notably Oglethorpia being five points out of a qualifying spot, and three points away from being one position away from one.

For matchday six Torrence Black is expected to return, with hopefully different results.

"But frankly, at this point," said a newly calm and resolved Black, "I couldn't care less. We've effectively taken ourselves out it, save some radical change in preformance these remaining 9 matchdays. And that's not happening."

Oglethorpia faces yet another unranked oppent in Tichang for matchday six, playing away. But by now the team won't make the mistake of underestimating their opponent.

"Oh, they're unranked, we said," commented striker Anton Kremlov. "That was what we said against Villarica. They tied us. Said the same for the Two-Footers -- they beat us. Maybe this time we'll lose 5-0 -- one thing's for sure, getting our second win will be quite the result, likely stemming from a vast amount of luck."

Given the disposition Oglethorpia has fallen into an inescapable rut, the following matches are likely to feature novel and likely foolhardy tactics.

"Seriously though, little else could go wrong," said forward Billiam Christmas Jr. "It is good oppourtunity to work out the kinks given the misleading opening victory, followed by a 0-1-3 record the following four matchdays."

"What's transpired is essentially fulfilling my prediction of a 4-3-7 prediction," chimed in OAF President Joe Staplin. "Though I must express some doubt that the squad will even claim two victories, much less four."

Besides the match against unranked Tchang, the rest of the schedule is as follows.

MD 7: Oglethorpia @ Tadjikistan

Taking into account the remaining 8-14 matchdays that feature Oglethorpia at home for 5/7 MDs.

Fmjphoenix Sun
Golden Cafetiere's history in Fmjphoenix

As the Golden Cafetiere is being held as the prize between the Vikings and Krytenia's Caleys in their two matchups in the qualifiers, we thought it would be appropriate to outline what it has been used for since its recovery from Rejistania in during World Cup XIX. There after, every time the team would play a match at home, they would recieve a 32oz. mug filled with great coffee made form the Golden Cafetiere. Its special blending ways would bring out the best in the coffee and always perked up those who drank it. It was almost singlely used for the senior squad before matches to make them extra alert, but it has become a major function in Fmjphoenix's football society. The champions of the FFL would get a chance to drink the coffee brewed from the Golden Cafetiere after they were crowned as well as the U21 squad when they were victorious in the U21WC13 and U21WC15 championships. Every month, the football player of the month in the league gets to have a cup from it as an award to their excellence on the pitch. Everyone who has had some loves it and always wants more.

As it has been for the past 20+ years, it is on show inside of Viking Stadium, in the Hall of Fame that takes up a portion of the east side of the stadium. It is surrounded by 30 laser sensors inside of a 2 foot glass case. That case is behind 3 feet of bulletproof glass, which is inside of a 10 foot titanium safe. Not only that, but there are always 2 fully armed and armored guards that flank either side of the glass case, behind a pretty looking red rope. There are 25 different security cameras that watch every point of entry and basically every inch inside of the safe. Only 5 people are ever allowed to enter the room to view the Golden Cafetiere. Sometimes lines reach the hundreds of people who want to see the marvel that is the Golden Cafetiere.

The first match in the Golden Cafetiere series will be tommorow at Viking Stadium. Even though capacity stands out at 75,000, it is expected that there will be more people than that, as this is a very important match. The FAF has confirmed that there will be a joint meeting before the match with the Caleys and Vikings meeting and sharing coffee from the Golden Cafetiere before the match. You can expect that the Vikings will be anxious to meet their regionmates, off and on the pitch. Coach Wash expects that the team will be playing all out in every effort to do what they can to win and put themselves in a better position to keep the Golden Cafetiere until the next World Cup.

Does this mean will suck at the World Cup?


Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 15 5 0 0 13:1 12
2. Bedistan 10 3 1 1 10:3 7
3. Five Civilized Nations 9 2 3 0 5:2 3
4. Bipedal Apes 7 2 1 2 5:6 -1
5. Oglethorpia 4 1 1 3 3:6 -3
6. Villarica 4 1 1 3 4:8 -4
7. Tichang 4 1 1 3 2:10 -8
8. Finrods 3 1 0 4 1:7 -6


Its seems as if the Tadjik Tigers are doing it again, winning all their matches, but we all know what happened on WC22 when we took the maximum in the qualifications. We failed to pass the World Cup group stage and dropped out with a couple of losses. You'd almost think we are hoping to lose a match along the road.
It couldnt be that bad, we are already seperated from the rest of the group with 5 points. And here's who that happened

1.The Finrods show
Didnt Coach Surdeyev say these would end 3rd? Offcourse its only a prediction and you cant look into the Future (I think). Finrods seems to be the red lantern of the group now and the Tadjiks are partially responsible by beating them in Dushanbe with 1-0.
They are stubborn, but Coach Surdeyev wanted revenge and got it through Khudyakov who dropped a corner in Finrods box with the head. They did fight back, but the Tadjik defense proved to be as stubborn as them.

Bedistan 2 Oglethorpia 0
Five Civilized Nations 0 Bipedal Apes 0
Tadjikistan 1 Finrods 0
Villarica 2 Tichang 1

2.the Villarica connection
Villarica looked like easy prey, much like Tichange or Bipedal Apes. But they surprised us and held out quite long, longer then we thought they could. It took the Tadjik till the second half to get anywhere near a good shot at their box.
And then that first goal came as thunder in a clear sky with Zarakovsky driving a shot through the Villarican defense, past three defenders, the last one Vachel thomas touched it with the tip of his shoe and with that, unwantedly beat Pascha LeTunga, his own goalkeeper. A demoralized Villarican side then lost control of the match to the Tigers who made several more attempts to score.
But they were unable to finish of their their work until late in the eighty fifth minute Tanai accepted a pass from Zaev on his chest, drooped it on his right foot and drove it past the Villarican goalkeeper with an acrobatic turn. Not really convincing in the eyes of the experts who had their critisizm in the newspapers the next day, but it got the Tigers three points. And thats what counts most.

Bipedal Apes 3 Finrods 0
Oglethorpia 0 Five Civilized Nations 1
Tichang 0 Bedistan 3
Villarica 0 Tadjikistan 2

3.Are they still wearing their pants?
'we'd really send them home with their pants down' is what Surdeyev said before the beginning of the Qualifications, because the Tigers did it again, they beat them in what seemed to be a revenge on the media for the critizism in the newspapers after the match against Villarica.
The Tadjiks got through this game with a very agressive style, which also made them a bit reckless, more than usual. And leaving to much space for the opponent to get through. The first goal was made by Alejandro Vantrease who used the opening that Orlov and Aini, two young players, left for him. Vorozheikin tried but could not stop the shot but could reach the shot that came in his direction. The Bedistan Lions were leading, but not for long.
Seven minutes later Zaev beat Chapman in a duel and send an assist in Tanai's direction. Tanai who just broke away from his guard, kicked the shot into Pratts direction who slided into it. But he could not foresee that the ball could bump up on a uneveness in the grass and over him.
Both teams were back to where they started,but now they had both learned their lessons and were not so agressive anymore, knowing the risk it brought along. But the Tadjiks won in the end, when Zaev dropped a corner into the pack that had assembled before the Bedistani goal. It was a bit chaotic, even the TV reporter couldnt make out who was doing what at the time, but then a low shot was placed in the right corner of Pratts box, and Galitski came out of the pack with his fists high in the air, directly followed by Tanai and Vishnevskij. And quickly a replay of that phase was shown in slow motion, now they could see how Galitski got the ball with pure luck after Bayerenov lost it, and how it ended up in the Bedistani box.
Game over Bedistan.

Bedistan 1 Tadjikistan 2
Five Civilized Nations 0 Tichang 0
Finrods 1 Villarica 0
Oglethorpia 0 Bipedal Apes 2

Not bad, not bad at all, It the Tigers go on like this they'll qualify as one of the first teams. But we shouldnt try to look into the future, it doesnt work anyway. Lets just focus on the next match, versus Five Civilized Nations and lest just see what that will bring.


MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods W 1-0
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

to the tune of Land down under:

Most important match this season,
the xamjona'het is the reason.
Both teams can quali if they not lose,
so they start playing in the best way

I am from Karela country!
So all your attacks are nothing for me!
4-4, that is far too scory!
Better defend, in order not to lose big.

Sudden attack out of nowhere
but our karela made the opponents despair.
In a counter, we took the lead,
Jie, that's it, we did really succeed!

I am from Karela country!
So all your attacks are nothing for me!
4-4, that is far too scory!
Better defend, in order not to lose big.

The excitement does even rise.
will the opponents equalize?
there is a big chance we succeed,
as long as we do not concede

Bettia Enlightener: 27th June 2005 - ethethetheth ethethethetheth Chris Waddle

Sneaking Up The Table: A Double Report Bonanza!

Englerica 1 (A Bloke 65)
Bettia 2 (Brooks 14, Carew 49 pen)

Bettia's triple-bill of away matches ended with a win at minnows Englerica that was marked by a performance more comfortable than the scoreline suggests.

Munir At-Tariq kept faith with the side which lost at Lovisa, with Judson York pairing up once again with Chris Hutton up front. The strike duo wasted no time as hassling the home defence, constantly pressing the back four whenever they were in possoession. Their tenacity soon pair off when Hutton was hauled down 25 yards out, and Evan Brooks emphatically put the Aroras one goal ahead.

Englerica rallied slightly after that, but could find no way past Bettia's resolute defence. Bettia on the other hand seemed content to sit back and hit the home side with counter attack after counter attack, set up mainly by Geraint Carew and Amir Bin Da'ud on the right and left of defence.

Bettia's second goal came just a few minutes into the second half, courtesy of a jinking run by Ieaun Swain which ultimately saw him brought down in the penalty area. Geraint Carew, recently made penalty taker by his club Vimesbairn Athletic, put the ball on the spot and promptly buried it into the roof of the net.

The home team's heads seemed to go down after that, and Bettia pressed home their psychologial advantage pouring men forward at every opportunity. This proved to be their downfall, as the Englericans caught the Aroras napping with a route one goal, hoofing the ball out of their penalty area to find their number 10 alone in the centre. Despite DiTorino's best efforts, the keeper was rounded and Englerica were back in the game.

Buoyed by this change of fortune, it was the home team who pressed forward now, but Bettia's defence stood firm to ensure the Aroras went home with all three points.

Bettia Squad vs Englerica (4-4-2)

1. Ricardo DiTorino
5. Musa Williams
7. Geraint Carew
11. Amir Bin Da'ud (sub: 8. Ian Redpath, 71 mins)
12. Gareth Coates (captain)
13. John Connick
15. Aaron Brown
18. Evan Brooks (sub. 17. Omar Whistler, 66 mins)
19. Ieaun Swain
21. Chris Hutton
25. Judson York

Unused Substitutes
2. Amir Bettison
13. Michael Ryder
24. Gethin Ward

---------------------------------------------------

Bettia 1 (Hutton 38)
Vtorbetin 0

Bettia gained a hard-fought win here at Tamrida's Thamitra Gate Stadium against newcomers Vtorbetin.

The Aroras fielded an unchanged side for the third game running, with the exception of Ian Redpath being brought in to place Gareth Coates at the last minute after the captain suffered a sprined ankle during the pre-match warmup. Thankfully the injury isn't severe, and he is expected to return in time for Bettia's next game.

The home side looked to make full use of their home advantage in front of a partisan crowd, and were only denied an early goal by a stout defensive display by Vtorbetin's back four, marshalled by Gabalfa City's giant keeper Von Bietsch. Hutton went close after just seven minutes, but had the the ball nicked off his foot as he squared up to take the shot.

Bettia's two wingers Aaron Brown and Ieaun Swain caused all sorts of problems down the flanks in the first half - Vtorbetin's veteran right-back Graig Mesias seemed particularly troubled by Swain's trickery and pace.

After a relatively slow passage of play by both teams, Bettia got what proved to be the winning goal near the end of the first half. In a delightful move straight off the training ground, an Evan Brooks corner was floated towards Musa Williams on the near post, who nodded it back to find Chris Hutton lurking on the penalty spot. Hutton then proceeded to slot it home through the crowd of players to the delight of the capacity crowd.

The second half was a rather lacklustre affair as Vtorbetin snuffed out Bettia's attacking options. The best chance fell to substitute Gethin Ward after 81 minutes who, after finding his way past two defenders, clipped the crossbar with his long-range effort.

The win finds Bettia remaining in fourth place overall, but now just two points off the lead. Lovisa are top but find their lead reduced thanks to a 1-0 defeat at Bettia's next opponents Oaker. Oaker are second on goal difference, followed Lethislavania who suffered a shock 0-0 draw at home to Robotopolis. Bettia are next in the chasing group also on ten points, followed by Nedalia on seven points. Robotopolis are on four, followed by an underachieving Vtorbetin on one. Englerica are propping up the table also with one point, but with a slightly inferior goal difference.

Bettia's next two games see them up against two of the group's big guns - first up are Oaker at The Gasworks in Gabalfa, followed by a tricky away trip to Lethislavania. Although wins are essential in this group, especially against tough opposition like this, manager Munir At-Tariq has said he would be content with any kind of positive result.


Bettia Squad vs Vtorbetin (4-4-2)

1. Ricardo DiTorino
5. Musa Williams (captain)
7. Geraint Carew
8. Ian Redpath
11. Amir Bin Da'ud
13. John Connick (sub: 14. Badr Warlow, 85 mins)
15. Aaron Brown
18. Evan Brooks
19. Ieaun Swain
21. Chris Hutton (sub: 13. Michael Ryder, 85 mins)
25. Judson York (sub: 24. Gethin Ward, 65 mins)

Unused Substitutes
2. Amir Bettison
17. Omar Whistler


Group 8 Schedule

MD1: Bettia vs Nedalia D 1-1
MD2: Robotopolis vs Bettia W 2-0
MD3: Lovisa vs Bettia L 0-2
MD4: Englerica vs Bettia W 2-1
MD5: Bettia vs Vtorbetin W 1-0
MD6: Bettia vs Oaker (The Gasworks, Gabalfa)
MD7: Lethislavania vs Bettia
MD8: Nedalia vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Robotopolis (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: Bettia vs Lovisa (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD11: Bettia vs Englerica (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD12: Vtorbetin vs Bettia
MD13: Oaker vs Bettia
MD14: Bettia vs Lethislavania (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)

Armando Gomez awoke on a picture-perfect Starblaydi morning, the type that makes you squint at first as its such a bright view coming in through your window, ready to be greeted by his wife Melissa bringing him breakfast in bed.

"Wow," he said, sitting up and pulling the white sheets up to cover him, frantically searching his brain for anything associated with today's date, "what's the special occasion?"

"No reason," she said, kissing him on the cheek, "I just can't remember the last time I did this for you, rather than the other way round."

As Armando tucked into orange juice and cereal, Melissa read out the sports page at the back of the crisp newspaper she'd also brought up for him, as per usual, The Jhanna Chronicle:


Group 1 Gets Tighter
Starblaydia finally lose in Qualifying

After Matchday Five of the World Cup Qualifiers for Rejistania and Eauz, Group One has just got a whole lot more interesting. Former World Champions Crystilakere are just a single point behind group-leaders Starblaydia now following a One-Nil win over the white-and-purples in the Crystilakeran captial last night.

This result brought all sorts of Starblaydi records to a halt, as they were hoping to extend their unbeaten run in qualifying to twenty-five matches, for one thing. Starblaydia have also been held scoreless in a Qualifier for the first time since the opening game of World Cup Twenty-One's Qualifiers in a nil-nil against then-Baptism of Fire Champions Bettia.

Starblaydia will be looking to at least keep up or perhaps increase their points lead over Crystilakere on Matchday Six, when Starblaydia take the short hop across their nother-western border to Nova Britannicus...


Melissa stopped, interrupted as Armando leaned over and kissed her. He tasted of Morning Breath and Orange Juice, but she didn't mind.

Happy Hunting
Harlesburg 1 Artoonia 0

Harlesburg in a hard fought battle with Artoonia managed to eek out a victory late in the game through the magical boot of Leroy Brown.After a match with 12 shots on goal 4 on target a piece it looked like a shut out and a borefest until the 69th minute when a magical touch from Brown put the Harlesburg national team ahead.

Brown recieving the ball 23 yards out off a well wieghted cross field pass from Captain Charles Bompmore and he used it to great effect stepping off his left foot he misled the defender and gave himself enough time to fire off a shot which bet the keeper low to the right.

Of al the players the one that shone out in the game was Keeper Micheal Chapworth who made 3 pressure saves in quick succesion off headers and a sharp volley late in the 1st helping Harlesburg to rejoin the top four something they wish to consolidate against Riegibv.

Harlesburg felt that they had treated Wella unfairly all through the lead up to the game dismissing them as rank outsiders and regreted it afterwards as they were shown a thriler from Wella in a 3 goal apiece stunner this meant they played Artoonia with more respect something Artoonia apears to have earned holding Harlesburg to one goal.

Harlesburg's next match is against Riegabvs who are winless after 5 games and have let in 13 goals in that time.Harlesburg have decided not to change their team to play Riegabv and will look to building for the much anticipated matchup against EL CID THE HERO who are showing strong performances each game as well as leading the pool in goals scored.

Scoring Summary
Brown 69th

MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: 1 Harlesburg vs Artoonia 0
MD6: Riegabvs Harlesburg
MD7: EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg

Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Turori 15 5 0 0 8:1 7
2. EL CID THE HERO 12 4 0 1 11:1 10
3. Haperd 10 3 1 1 7:2 5
4. Harlesburg 8 2 2 1 8:6 2
5. Wella 7 2 1 2 8:5 3
6. Pedriana 6 2 0 3 5:8 -3
7. Artoonia 0 0 0 5 0:11 -11
8. Riegab 0 0 0 5 0:13 -13

Jeruselem Government News

We love draws! Not

It's group 10 and guess what happened? We had 3 draws and one won. It's been a weird World Cup so far.

TnUI and One Red Dot fought out a tough but even 1 ALL draw in the clash of the top 2. Great game with skills we wish we had in our team being displayed but we say a draw was the correct result.

Jeruselem had one of those days - couldn't score. We should have won against Spolotikopia but nothing worked apart from the great display from the Spolotikopia keeper and lots of balls bouncing of the framework. Not for the lack of trying, the ball didn't hit the back of the net.

Spaam was held to 1 ALL draw by Kassyyk, but Spaam really should have won. It seemed their big win earlier didn't rub off and the game slowed down which allowed Kassyyk to gain one point. Like the Jeruselem game, it wasn't happening for Spaam either.

Hockey Canada grabbed a 1-0 win over Antarcticanada but again not the best of games. The trend of low scoring continued apart from Match Day 4 which we kinda liked.

The top 3 are unchanged in Group 10 with the usual mid-table shuffle with Hockey Canada win.

Total n Utter Insanity 1 One Red Dot 1
Jeruselem 0 Spolotikopia 0
Spaam 1 Kassyyk 1
Hockey Canada 1 Antarcticanada 0

Five Star Performance



Hypocria 5 – 0 Kajiztahn
Liberda 5, 15, 88
Shirko 27(p)
Golla 43



The Hyppos went in to their second home game, played at the Drissa Sports Arena in Drissa, of the campaign without a point since matchday 2 and without a goal since the opening round. Against bottom side Kajiztahn they hoped to put those statistics right, and they did just that.

In an effort to get some goals the coach switched formation to a much more attack minded 4-3-3 system, bringing in Liberda and Powell for Veron and Petras.

The Hyppos dominated the game from beginning to end and nearly took the lead straight from the kickoff when Dospel headed wide from Poskas’ cross. There was no letting up as the, four minutes later, Golla broke down and delivered a pinpoint pass to Liberda who turned the ball in at the near post. The striker, clearly inspired by playing in his club stadium, made it 2 – 0 on fifteen minutes. Powell played a pass through to Liberda inside the penalty area and, as the defenders backed off, he steered his shot wide of the keeper.

Two goals up after just fifteen minutes and still the Hyppos came forward at every opportunity. Baxter played a pass to Dospel and the big striker held up play before laying the ball of to Burdali. Burdali run into the box before being brought down by a defender, the referee didn’t hesitate in awarding the penalty. Andrei Shirko stepped up and drilled the penalty into the roof of the net, his second goal of the campaign.

Two minutes before the break the Hyppos scored their fourth. Again the ball was played forward to Dospel and again the big striker held play up. This time he played in the fallback Golla who darted into the box and angled a drive across the keeper and into the bottom corner. The first half finished with Hypocria four goals to the good.

Often a match that has a goal filled first half will have a very quiet second half and that is exactly what happened on that balmy evening in Drissa. There were a few chances, Baxter put a long ranged effort wide, Shirko missed a good chance and at the other end Kindelan was forced into a couple of comfortable saves. There was however still one more goal left in this match. As the seconds ticked away Kindelan hit a long goal kick, Dospel headed on to Liberda who ran through on goal and side footed past the advancing goalkeeper to complete his hattrick. The final whistle blew and Hypocria had recorded its biggest ever win.

“We can travel to Lucianic full of confidence after that performance”, coach N’Dungu-Nsungu said after the match. “I hope we’ve now proved that we’re not just in this group to make up the numbers.”


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake
8. Burdali
9. Shirko (replaced by 17. Costanzo, 73)
10. Liberda
14. Drakes
16. Dospel
18. Powell (replaced by 15. Sinclair, 76)


In the other games Sarzonia kept another clean sheet and picked up a big three points at home to Druida after a 2 – 0 win, Chicanada are three points behind the leaders after their 2 – 0 home win over Tonissia and Lucianic picked up a good away point in Raptor Claw after a goalless draw.



Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 13 4 1 0 14:0 14
2. Chicanada 10 3 1 1 4:2 2
3. Raptor Claw 9 2 3 0 3:1 2
4. Druida 8 2 2 1 3:2 1
5. Hypocria 7 2 1 2 7:4 3
6. Lucianic 3 0 3 2 1:7 -6
7. Tonissia 2 0 2 3 1:5 -4
8. Kajiztahn 1 0 1 4 1:13 -12


MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (5 - 0 win)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

Unnamed helper: "At last, I'm back from Hockey Canada with our water-flavoured beer. I've sent a couple of bottles off to the lab to get it tested, hopefully we'll be able to produce it ourselves soon."

Voice: "All sounds good. But have you got anyone to buy into it yet?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, only one pub has taken us up on the offer. It's some little backwater bar in Llllllllllcwllllllll. Everywhere else in Druida say they're quite happy with their beer-flavoured beer, thenks very much."

Voice: "Oh. That's not so good. Not good at all."

Unnamed helper: "Well, you could always infiltrate the pub, and eventually word will spread of what we're trying to do."

Voice: "That's quite a good plan."

Unnamed helper: "One thing, though - All I know about you is that you're from a group of people representing NEWI Cefn Druids. I still don't even know your name! Who exactly are you?"

Voice: "Trevor Turner. I'm leading these people back to the homeland to bring a better life for everyone. Anyway, you're one to talk, I don't even know your name, either!"

Unnamed helper: "Well, not many people do. Just me, the President and Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po, and I think the President's probably forgotten by now."

- - - - - - - - - -


The Daily Druid

KRYTENIAN OFFER ACCEPTED
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on a bid for World Cup 24

After ringing round a few different FAs, the DFA of Druida look almost certain to put forward a bid with the KFA of Krytenia to try host what would be a second all Atlantian Oceania hosted World Cup.

Details of the bid are nowhere near finalised as yet, though it is thought that the scorinator could well be a modified version of the one used for World Cup 20.

Trevor Belmore, who has been moved "upstairs" to run the DFA, told us, "We felt sorry for them after they were kicked from their bid with Commerce Heights last time round. Hopefully, with more time to prepare, we can but a half-decent bid together. Maybe."

Nil-Nil
Six Goals Disallowed For Offside

Referee Laksu Kynsu was slaughtered by Streetians and Capitalizts alike following the 0-0 draw between the sides in the Vimesbairn National Stadium. The referee, later revealed to be a high-standing official in the ASR - who arrest all teams playing less than seven defenders on sight - blew free-kicks every time any team threatened to cross the centre line with the ball. So it seemed, anyway. The teams resorted to long passes, which were accepted by Kynsu, but offside was whistled every time any team put the ball in the net. During the last half-hour, the crowd joined in a spontaneous booing of Kynsu, who was later quoted as saying: "I only did my job". Capitalizt newspapers haven't been able to get news report out of the country, and thus interpreted the result as a Karela-specialist game, while the Streetian Department of Sport filed a complaint to the WCC, asking the result to be recorded as 3-3 - given that all the six goals scored were clearly onside to anyone without an irrational goalophobia.

Nevertheless, Cockbill Street remain on top of group 5, but only three points ahead of Kylaai, who took an important 3-0 victory over New Savio. In second place are Nonesuch Street, surprisingly enough, who have scored thirteen goals in the qualifying - striker J.C. MacSwell claims they've only been lucky. The Streets face off on Thursday in Time Dilation City, a winner will take a long step towards Rejistania and Eauz - though, it is a question whether we want to be there if the refereeing stays like this.

The Nedalia Lions


It seems there is something in the air in Southern AO these days. While Spruitland is trying to lift their deadly curse, Nedalians thought they were done with it when they defeated a higher ranked Lethislavania 3 – 1 in its first home match at the Kafra International Stadium. However, it seems the symptoms of this curse have resurfaced, as witnessed by draw against Englerica, which leaves the Lions at a mind boggling 1 – 4 – 0 record. Officials all over Nedalia have demanded that the country contact Spruitland to form an emergency coalition to rid the two countries of this curse before it takes anymore lives due to frustration, tension, and other side effects its been having.

Nedalia: 3 – 1 :Lethislavania

In the Lions first game infront of the home fans, there certainly was an atmosphere for optimism going around the stands. The stadium was filled to capacity almost 2 hours prior to the match, and it true Nedalian fashion, barbeques were plentiful on the outside as well. Much was said about Nedalia’s 0 -3 – 0 record going into the match, and there was a general agreement that the Lions, thanks to the reputation they had garnered last qualifying campaign due to their horrible performances, would be hardpressed to take away 3 points here. The much higher ranked Lethislavania were reported confident, on the other hand, of doing just that. They underestimated the Nedalian will.

From the get go, the Lions came out playing the brand of football that was so dear to the Nedalians and so essential to the team. With their usual 4 – 4 – 2 diamond formation, and with no surprises in the starting lineup, the Lions attacked with flair, entertaining the fans with every move they made. It did not take long to take the lead, as a corner in the 11th minute found its way to Mattan’s head enroute to the back of the net. The Lions added to their lead just minutes before the end of halftime, in the 40th minute, through none other than Cockbill Street based Andrew Blod, who scored his first international goal in his 3rd cap. The bad news was that Blod came on as a substitute for the injured Yamtech in the 32nd minute. Doctors are saying Yamtech could be out as long as 4 months with his torn ligament.

The 2nd half brought much the same, as the Lethislavania team completely overwhelmed and outplayed. It just would not be a complete game with a Nene goal, and the fans were yearning for it. In the 77th minute, as they cheered him on, he nailed a superbly taken free kick to put the Nedalians up 3 – 0. His substitution at the 82nd minute earned him a standing ovation from the entire stadium. The opposing team managed to get a consolation goal late in the game, but it did not matter. The fans stormed the pitch in typical fashion, celebrating their famous victory with their heroes.

Nedalia: 1 – 1 :Englerica

Forgive the Nedalians, after their fabulous performance against Lethislavania, for expecting more from this match. There was largely a feeling of disappointment, as there were plenty of chances for the Lions to put this match well beyond reach and move further up the table in Group 8, but alas, it was not to be. One point is all the team could muster up, and certainly it gives the Lions a tougher job now in its attempt to qualify for the World Cup.

The Kafra International Stadium was sold out, with a capacity of nearly 100,000 people filling the stadium, to witness a lackluster performance from both teams. It was the Lions that struck first, in the 2nd half, through a Kenneth shot that hit the top left corner, well away from the reach of the keeper. But in the 82nd minute, much to the frustration of the Nedalians, Englerica managed to equalize and hold on for the tie.

What was the most frustrating was the fact that after 3 straight draws, the Lions had found it in them to win a game, and the theory that the curse was over had become popular all over the country. Alas, people now aren’t so sure. Interviews in the streets have noted serious fear that the curse may hold on for longer than this match and continue another tieing frenzy. As reported, many have demanded that Spruitland and Nedalia collaborate in some way to beat this curse together.

REVIEW

So now the Lions are sitting in 4th place in Group 8, 3 points behind neighbors Bettia, who are in 3rd place. The good news is that Nedalia still get to play their eastern neighbors at home, so that will be an opportunity to make the points up. But they must figure a way to begin winning the matches they could have so easily put away. Unlike last campaign, Nedalian football is no longer mocked and a match against the Lions does not mean an automatic 3 points. In fact, by beating Lethislavania and managing to draw to runner-ups Oaker away from home has done wonders to the Lions reputation, and their senior squad is finally beginning to show the same resolve that their World Champion U21 side is showing.

Time: 3:47
location: ECFA head office, Doomhammer's office

Doomhammer setting a digital clock. S.Sam enters with a piece of paper in his hand.

DH: have you found out why it happened?

SS: well sir. According to this blueprint the n00bcannon failed to hamper Turori’s squad for two main reasons. Firstly, Due to the difference in climate between Pedriana and Turori the n00bcannon didn’t
Work as effectively as we planed. And secondly, and to me more importunately, due to Kirby’s extreme incompetence he wired the ones we used backwards. Thus not only causing no adverse effect on Turori but also causing the n00bcannons to explode in our face.

DH: so that why you needed that hand transplant yesterday.

SS: that is correct sir.

DH: and how’s Kirby? Is he ok?

SS: yes sir. Why?

DH: it would spoil my fun if I’m not able to choke the life out of him myself.

Doomhammer shows S.Sam the clock he’s been setting. It has the words “time till vengeance” imprinted on it.

DH: only 3 years, 11 months, 51 weeks, 6 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 52 seconds to go till his contract expires. Then he is mine.

SS: I see…. Well I have to go prepare the “drinking water” for them shall I?

DH; oh yes. Mustn’t forget that.

A few hours before the match against Anarchist Canuckistan…

The Spruitland Wabbits were sitting around a large table in the players dining hall of the King Alfons Stadium.

The atmosphere was tense. After four scoreless draws, tonight’s game against Anarchist Canuckistan was of the utmost importance. They needed to score, preferably more than once.

Considering the importance of the match, Cor Bensen wasn’t too sure this dinner “with the compliments of His Majesty” was such a good idea. Granted, it was a nice gesture, but it merely put a bit of extra pressure on the boys, reminding them their King, and the whole nation, was counting on them tonight.

Still, you couldn’t exactly refuse a gift from His Majesty. Luckily, King Alfons had not chosen to be present for the dinner. He had sent the Royal Chef though, to prepare something special for the Wabbits.

So far, it wasn’t working. The players were quietly sitting around the table, waiting for the food to be served. Shoulders were drooped, eyes were gazing into empty plates.

“I’m gonna score a hattrick tonight,” Dirk Jools said, but it wasn’t much more than a murmur, totally lacking of conviction. Nobody responded. Bensen tried to think of something uplifting to say, but he couldn’t think of anything either.

Luckily, the waiters arrived with the food. Heads were raised and smiles returned, and Bensen thanked the heavens for the Spruitland male’s infatuation with food. If anything could lift the guys’ spirits, it would be a delicious meal prepared by the best cook in the country. Steak and fries, he hoped, that would surely meet everyone’s approval.

The waiters – one for each diner – placed covered trays in front of everyone, and Bensen had to flash a few looks to prevent the most eager of his players from breaking protocol and getting started.

The Royal Chef arrived from the kitchen, wiping his hands on his apron, looking around nervously. The waiters placed a hand on the top of the tray covers.

“Mesdammes et Messieurs, zhank you pour giving me zhe honeur of préparer zhis meal pour vous. Le dish tonight is peut-être a little bit… unusual. But I can assure you, I have done zhe best possible job wizh zhe ingrédients available. Bon appétit!”

In unison, the waiters removed the covers from the trays. Bensen looked down at… black-eyed peas? What the… Nothing but peas, with a bit of parsley, apparently. He looked up at the Royal Chef, but all he saw was the closing kitchen door. Grunts, moans and downright curses around the table told him he was not alone in his surprise.

“What the hell!” “I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!” “We want real food!” “Anyone want mine?”

“Gentlemen!” Bensen called out, silencing the commotion. “Please, a little respect. King Alfons himself has provided this meal for us. Least we can do is eat it!”

“Sir,” team captain Frederic Juneau stood up from the table. “I think I can speak for all of us, when I say… we would rather take ballroom dancing lessons than eat this crap.”

Grunts of agreement all around, and Bensen sighed. He looked down at the dish of peas again, and knew there was only one thing he could do.

“Alright,” he said, standing up as well. “Let’s go for pizza.”

RP-cutoff

Laksu Kynsu read the newspaper now he was at home in Hetkali. It was a sunny sunday and he was in too good mood to be annoyed about the lacking understanding of soccer. Today, he slept longer than normal, since he returned late yesterday. He was not in the least surprised that his son Kansu was busy getting ready to leave. He was surprised however (because he has a tendency to forget which date today is) that he asked him to come with him since today was the match between his class and "these indebted m-ers", (ie Kansu's parallel class).

20 minutes later, Laksu Kynsu lost his good mood: the match was as unkarelan as the priests allow it. then he had to experience that his son scored. Laksu fainted instantly.

Hockey Canada jump into 3rd

Group 10 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. One Red Dot 14 4 2 0 9:1 8
2. Total n Utter Insanity 14 4 2 0 6:1 5
3. Hockey Canada 12 4 0 2 5:4 1
4. Jeruselem 10 3 1 2 5:2 3
5. Spaam 9 2 3 1 5:2 3
6. Spolotikopia 4 1 1 4 2:5 -3
7. Antarcticanada 3 1 0 5 2:9 -7
8. Kassyyk 1 0 1 5 3:13 -10

The win over Spolotikopia propelled the Hockey Canadians into 3rd place in Group 10, and system karela has never looked better for a team with 4 goals allowed. One Red Dot managed to skyrocket into 1st with 14 points but with a +8 Goal Differential. Total n Utter Insanity fell back into 2nd with a +5 differential. Jeruselem played a hard-fought game but somehow fell into 4th with 10 points just ahead of Spaam. Spolotikopia, Antarcticanada and Kassyyk remain bottom-feeders in Group 10.

The game against Spolotikopia seemed like a classic for system karela fans all over Hockey Canada, the Hockey Canadian team wore a black arm-band around their arm in respect for Laksu Kynsu's son, whom we regret to say scored a goal for Rejistania. Spolotikopia came out looking like they didn't want the ball, and to be honest- they didn't. The Canucks managed to defy all system karela techniques by accidently scoring in the 13th minute when a stray pass from Timmy "Timmah!" Johnson trickled past the Spolotikopian goal line clocked at a whopping 3 kilometres per hour.

Even keeper Kyle Thomas had the ball more than some Spolotikopian strikers when he rushed the ball in the 21st minute to try to score. His youth may be valued, but his shot wasn't when he shot from 19 yards out to ping the crossbar to give Spolotikopia a goal kick. He wasn't looking so good after the shot but some water-flavoured beer cheered him up a few minutes later when he was seen trying to get a goal-post to go out on a date with him.

Hockey Canadian fans were getting in on the action too. The team called down random fans to come and play so the players could go to the bar and enjoy beer-flavoured beer while they watch themselves play. Striker Gladys Macfarlane, a 95 year-old woman from northern Otnorot got the Hockey Canadian offense going when her seizure at mid-field somehow kicked the ball into the diving arms of the Spolotikopian keeper.

Rock, a rock, made some amazing feats of defense in the best system karela showing in years when the 1,048 pound giant sat in the net and literally took on the whole Spolotikopian team and all the shots they had. Goal kicks were a problem for Rock, but that was easily done by Billy the giraffe who kicked the ball rather for for the 24"11 player.

The players got back from enjoying the game from their barstools and played all of the second half to more many of the fans. A few good shots here and there seemed like nothing out of the ordinary for Hockey Canada. Spolotikopia did get some shots off but didn't seem too much to handle for Thomas. The final whistle blew to a whole section of streakers who tackled Timmy "Timmah!" Johnson. The streakers are now in hospital with numerous gunshot wounds and beer-stains.

With One Red Dot next to play before the halfway point in the tournement, Hockey Canada is only 2 points behind 1st. If they pull off the win and Total n Utter Insanity loses to Kassyyk (not likely) Hockey Canada can finish in 1st or second. nWe're just taking the game one step at a time. System Karela style.

Sandt, Stars dominant against promising side, 2-0

Goalkeeper Horace Sandt hasn't had much of a chance to flash the form that led him to be the most outstanding player of World Cup XXII because the defence has been dominant in front of him. However, against an up and coming Chicanada side, the Stars goalkeeper finally was given the opportunity to take centre stage.

He did that and more, making six stops including two point blank bids and he made goals by Barry Alphonso and Mike Coyle stand up for a 2-0 Stars win that was the fifth in six qualifying matches for the Stars.

"We didn't give Hor a lot of work until this game," Coach Dave Wilson said. "Now he's finally earned his keep around here. I was beginning to wonder if he had a pulse."

Wilson joked about Sandt's calm demeanor, but he grew serious when asked about the team's confidence in the goalkeeper.

"As a coach, you get into a comfort zone where you don't have to worry when you pencil him into the starting 11," he said. "I wouldn't say that we've forgotten about Troy [Perkins, the previous starting goalkeeper], but it's awful hard to imagine a Stars lineup without Sandt in goal."

It's also hard to imagine Sandt after being beaten by a goal. The last time Sandt conceded a goal in the run of play was the quarterfinal match against Turori nine matches ago. The last time Sandt gave up more than one goal in the run of play in a match was the team's 2-0 loss to Rejistania in the opening match of the World Cup XXI finals group stage.

"Over the last 26 matches, Hor has allowed four goals. That's almost unheard of for a team that doesn't play System Karela," midfielder and team captain Darwin Russell said. "It's a team effort when that happens, but Sandt has been a big reason for that."

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y197/Spruitland/sportsgazette.jpg


And there we go again…

Reichsdeutschland – Spruitland: 0 – 0

At the risk of sounding like a thoroughly scratched record: today’s World Cup Qualifying match of the Spruitland Wabbits ended at 0-0. That’s right, goose eggs, duck eggs, nill, naught, nix, nada, two shutouts and a double clean sheet, zip and zilch, zero to love.

It was another sad day for Spruitland football. After the troublesome win over Anarchist Canuckistan, the entire nation was anxious to see whether Dirk Jools’ penalty goal had lifted “the curse”. Clearly, it has not.

“While the goal was officially put on record as scored by Jools – and rightfully so – that’s not how the God of Jinxes and Superstition sees it,” Spruitland’s Minister of Voodoo Stuff says. “To the gods, the Anarchist Canuckistan goalie touched the ball last. We’ll need a clean and pure goal before the curse will be effectively lifted.”

Spruitland bookmakers agreed with the Minister, and refused to take any bets for the match to end at 0-0, despite an overwhelming demand.

“After such a close call like last match, we could no longer take the risk,” the managing director of GiveUsUrCash Inc explained. “We had scored one goal in five matches, Reichsdeutschland had scored none at all. Don’t have to be a rocket scientist to predict that score.”

And they turned out to be right. The match went pretty much the same way as the previous ones against “easy” unranked opponents – Spruitland dominated, created plenty of scoring opportunities, but the ball just refused to cross the goal line.

Halfway into the second half, Cor Bensen tried a desperate maneuver and switched the lines around, putting the defenders as forwards and the forwards as defenders, much to Dirk Jools’ dismay. Jan Wolters was quickly substituted though, after nearly heading the ball into his own goal, a splendid Simon Briers saving the Spruitland team from total disaster.

When it was all over, the Wabbits shambled off the field with severely depressed looks on their faces. The depression remained until after the team had left the country, mainly due to the fact that Reichsdeutsch airport customs had confiscated all their Spruits™, marijuana and other suspected narcotic substances.

Spruitland is now in joint fourth place with 8 points from 6 games, which is not a terrible result, but not as good as Cor Bensen had hoped. Qualification is technically still possible, but the valuable points lost, specifically against Tramontina and Reichsdeutschland, could cost dearly in the end.

“Qualification is the last thing on our minds now,” Bensen says. “We just want to find our goalscoring ability again. We were hoping to do it in the two previous matches, against weaker teams. Now it’ll have to happen in Starblaydia. That’s not gonna be easy though.”

“But we need a few goals, fast. The country is in disarray, and the only thing preventing large scale riots – and my early demise – is the fact that we haven’t conceded a goal yet, so far. It’s not much, but at least it’s something.”


MD 1: Oceaice – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 2: Tramontina – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 3: Crystilakere – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
MD 4: SPRUITLAND – Nova Britannicus: 0 – 0
MD 5: SPRUITLAND – Anarchist Canuckistan: 1 – 0
MD 6: Reichsdeutschland – SPRUITLAND: 0 – 0
Up next…
MD 7: Starblaydia – SPRUITLAND


------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What do you mean, confiscated!?!”

SFA President Martin Backer winced. King Alfons was clearly not happy, and he couldn’t blame him.

“Airport customs, Your Highness. There was nothing we could do. They confiscated almost everything, even toothpaste and shaving cream.”

“You could’ve done something! Could’ve told them the peas were for the players’ special diet, prescribed by a doctor, or something.”

“We tried that, Your Highness, they wouldn’t budge. Those Reichsdeutschers were quite irrational about it. No foreign food allowed into the country. We had to eat bratwurst and sauerkraut all week.”

“Sauerkraut?” King Alfons’ face softened up a little. “Ouch. Well alright, but no more excuses for next match! Shove it down their throats personally, if you have to! The damn peas have been ready for the past three matches, all we have to do is use them!”

Ashley Standard

Chicanada Splits Home Series
Head back out for decisive road swing if Kodiaks hope to slip into top 3.

Predence Loeri mattered in Chicanada's 2-0 victory against Tonissa, getting a goal and assisting disguntled Douala Captain (could he be going international? or down a level to Cavalier? How about Charlton? Hell, bring him to Ashley! We can make him a defender!) Yeo in their play. But with Raslan Seregn benched and lackluster Timon starting, the Kodiaks lost another home match 2-0, this time to group leaders Sarzonia. A tie would have given the Kodiaks sole posession of third place going into this week.

Iago Jezbil said after the match "Going three-one-and-two has helped get our confidence back in a big way, but we really didn't need to be shown up like that" to a stronger Stars side in the sparkling Southampton National Square.

The 1-0-1 home swing does keep the Kodiaks in contention with ten points with eight games left, most of them at home. There are two two-game road swings left, with one staring tommorow (OCC: or possibly tonight at this point, love the quickness of the WC!) over in #2 squad Raptor Claw, followed by a rematch with Hypocria. The Kodiaks desperatly need at least a split if not two wins, former National Coach Jesnui Viladetta said from a youth camp in Cana: "Without several points the home sessions would not be worth it. We need to make up a lot of ground to get us more comfortable!"

Viladetta definitly knows what he's talking about, after seeing his WCXXI squad sitting pretty in third at the halfway point in their first ever qualifying, only to collapse down the stretch and settle for a very poor 5th place showing. "Beating the teams we should beat and snatching points from the ones we're supposed to loose to (like the nil-all tie in Druida) will definitly help get us in.

Seregn is expected to start in goal for the remainder of the tourney.

Kodiaks Results
MD1: Hypocria L 0:2
MD2: @ Lucianic W 1:0
MD3: @ Druida T 0:0
MD4: @ Kajiztahn W 1:0
MD5: Tonissia W 2:0
MD6: Sarzonia L 0:2
MD7: @ Raptor Claw
MD8: @ Hypocria
MD9: Lucianic (@ Souther Sky Dome, Star Point)
MD10: Druida (@ Easten National Arena, Eastentown)
MD11: Kajiztahn (@ The Governess Palace, Colombo)
MD12: @ Tonissia
MD13: @ Sarzonia
MD14: Raptor Claw (@ TroutCo Field, Cana)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quonesh: Rable Rable Rable.

Florizen: Indeed sir. Here's wishing for Kodiak victory while abroad!

Two Firsts
one good and one not so good

Squornshelous has regained the lead of Group 6 after matchday six with a victory over Kipto-Mare. This, coupled with a 1-0 defeat of Fmjphoenix by Krytenia, boosted the Pschychoes ahead of those troublesome Vikings. With one match left to play before the halfway point, it looks as if Squornshelous is well on their way to qualifying for the 18th time. However, in this match, Squornshelous also allowed their first goal of qualifying, shattering their hopes, however unlikely they may have been, of keeping a perfect defensive record.
This match's scoring got under way in the 23rd minute, when home side Kipto-Mare shocked Squornshelan fans, players and coaches alike by putting one past Marko Antropov. (midfielder) dribbled up the field and passed quickly to (striker), who recieved the ball and fired almost in the same motion. Antropov dove and punched the ball clear, but it came out to (striker2). Dmitri Ulanych was there to challenge, but too late, the ball was in the back of the net.
The Pschychoes wasted no time in equalizing though, with Briang Guerrero and Alexander Popov working together to thread through the defense like a hot knife through butter. Popov faked a shot and passed to Geurrero. The keeper took a step at the fake and couldn't recover fast enough to stop the goal. The ball remained in midfield most of the time until the half, but there were a few chances on each side. Yanni Zikov ripped a shot that slapped into the outside of the net, and Petr Skritsch sent a header just over the crossbar on a 43rd minute corner. Marko Antropov also made another diving save, this time holding the ball and booting it upfield.
15 minutes into the second half, Guerrero and Popov struck again, using quick one-two passes to advance quickly, while Perez and Oonar stayed wide, drawing defenders out with them. This time, Popov took the shot himself, and what a shot it was. It started across the goal mouth and curled wickedly in, just grazing the inside of the far post on its way into the net. Despite several more good chances, neither side could muster enough to put another marker in, and the score remained at 2-1 until the final whistle.

Final Score:
Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous

Scoring Summary:
K-M: (forward) [23]
SQU: Geurrero [27]
SQU: Popov [60]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 3
Perez: 2
Skritsch: 2
Popov: 2
Zikov: 1
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 6:

Group 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 14 4 2 0 11:1 10
2. Krytenia 14 4 2 0 9:0 9
3. Fmjphoenix 12 4 0 2 8:3 5
4. Kipto-Mare 7 1 4 1 4:4 0
5. Caprine States 6 2 0 4 4:7 -3
6. Buben 5 1 2 3 4:8 -4
7. Milchama 4 1 1 4 2:14 -12
8. Garinas 3 0 3 3 2:7 -5


Up Next:
Buben? What kind of name is Buben? We're gonna steamroll these guys.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous vs Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Tigers lose

Its probably the strangest sight so far, Tadjiks watching their team losing and in the meantime smiling as if it was the best that could happen. But again, this has much to do with Tadjikistans performance in WC22. Its all superstition really, but if it makes them happy, then who are we to complain?

Now maybe the Tigers just helped out by allowing a civilized player score against them. Followed by their failure to equalise. Bayerenov put it like this 'We're still leading our group! and the supertsitious idiots have had what they wanted: a loss, now lets all party!.' This match wont be forgotten so easily, especially if things go wrong and Tadjikistan fails to qualify.

And thus the Tigers prepare for to hunt some Ostriches, Oglethorpian Ostriches who are better than the side Surdeyev feared most(Finrods) and were thought to be the revelation of the group.
So far its been going with ups and down for them, so the Tigers dont know what to expect, Surdeyevs response was simple 'We'll prepare for the worst, but i suggest they'd do the same'


Bipedal Apes 1 Villarica 1
Finrods 0 Bedistan 1
Five Civilized Nations 1 Tadjikistan 0
Tichang 1 Oglethorpia 2


Group 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 15 5 0 1 13:2 11
2. Bedistan 13 4 1 1 11:3 8
3. Five Civilized Nations 12 3 3 0 6:2 4
4. Bipedal Apes 8 2 2 2 6:7 -1
5. Oglethorpia 7 2 1 3 5:7 -2
6. Villarica 5 1 2 3 5:9 -4
7. Tichang 4 1 1 4 3:12 -9
8. Finrods 3 1 0 5 1:8 -7


MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods W 1-0
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

Bettia Enlightener: 28th June 2005 - it ain't 'arf 'ot Mum.

Aroras Dazzled by Flash(er)

Bettia 1 (York 57)
Oaker 3 (Flash Oaker 32 65 88)

Battling Bettia's qualification hopes were dealt a blow as they were undone by a hat-trick by Oaker's star striker Flash Oaker here at The Gasworks last night. However, it was the on-field antics of a visiting fan that stole the headlines, as a female supporter wearing nothing but a couple of strategically placed Oaker scarves did a streak across the pitch as the game kicked off. Thankfully, Bettian TV directors were quick to spot this and cut to a shot of Tiddles enjoying a meat pie, preventing innocent Bettian eyes from being soiled by this wanton display of shameless debauchery by that brazen hussy. Burn the witch! BURN HER!!!

Back on the field, Oaker started as pre-match favourites and wasted no time showing the watching public just why that is. They also showed just why they are a commentator's nightmare, as their entire squad was made up of players named Oaker.

As early as the fifth minute, Oaker were almost a goal up as Oaker was put through by Oaker. Oaker rounded Bettia keeper DiTorino but was forced wide, so he squared the ball to Oaker who contrived to slice it over from 15 yards out.

Bettia, playing their familiar 5-3-2 formation and roared on by a capacity crowd of over 85000, began to press forward and Chris Hutton found himself on the end of a floated pass over the top of the Oaker back four only to be flagged up for offside.

The visitors went ahead on 32 minutes, as Flash Oaker connected with a ferocious half-volley in the corner of the penalty area. It was almost two-nil soon afterwards as Tip Oaker raced past a static Bettian back line - thankfully for the home team, he was adjudged to be offside.

The second half started well for Bettia as they came out from their team talk with all guns blazing, and they were soon on level terms. A long throw-in on the left from Amir Bin Da'ud found Ieuan Swain racing down the left flank, whose whipped cross into the penalty area was turned into the goal by the outstretched leg of Judson York.

(thankfully, this feat of turning the ball into the goal is just a footballing term, and was nothing to do with the evil harlot who soiled our hallowed turf with her unabashed display of wickedness. We must cleanse this filth with FIRE!)

Unfortunately for the Aroras, this goal stung Oaker back to life and their superior skill and fitness began to tell. after some neat interplay inside the Bettia half between Oaker and Oaker, the ball was slipped through to Oaker as he burst into the area and put his side back in the lead with some relish.

Bettia changed to a more attacking 4-3-3 formation as they chased the game, bringing on Gethin Ward in place of Ian Redpath, but all their positive play was to no avail as the Oaker defence stood firm.

It was left to Flash Oaker to end the contest with a well-taken goal two minutes from time. Bettia won a corner and poured many players, including goalkeeper Ricardo DiTorino forward in an effort to rescue a point. However, it was easily cleared to Flash Oaker lurking on the halfway line who punted the ball forward and won the ensuing chase with Gareth Coates to tap it home.

This result sees Group 8 emerging as the tightest group in this competition, with just three points separating the top five teams. Bettia find themselves bottom of this heap on ten points, behind Nedalia on goal difference. Oaker are joint top with Lovisa on thirteen points, who ground out a 0-0 draw with third-placed Lethislavania.

Bettia must now travel to Lethislavania hoping to get some sort of result to keep their qualifying campaign on-track.



Bettia Squad vs Oaker (5-3-2)

1. Ricardo DiTorino
5. Musa Williams (captain)
7. Geraint Carew
8. Ian Redpath (sub: 24. Gethin Ward, 71 mins)
11. Amir Bin Da'ud
12. Gareth Coates
13. John Connick
18. Evan Brooks
19. Ieaun Swain
21. Chris Hutton
25. Judson York

Unused Substitutes
2. Amir Bettison
13. Michael Ryder
14. Badr Warlow
17. Omar Whistler


Group 8 Schedule

MD1: Bettia vs Nedalia D 1-1
MD2: Robotopolis vs Bettia W 2-0
MD3: Lovisa vs Bettia L 0-2
MD4: Englerica vs Bettia W 2-1
MD5: Bettia vs Vtorbetin W 1-0
MD6: Bettia vs Oaker L 1-3
MD7: Lethislavania vs Bettia
MD8: Nedalia vs Bettia
MD9: Bettia vs Robotopolis (The Campus Ground, Grappenhall)
MD10: Bettia vs Lovisa (The Stamping Ground, Lorshill)
MD11: Bettia vs Englerica (Shubunkin Park, Akani Sands)
MD12: Vtorbetin vs Bettia
MD13: Oaker vs Bettia
MD14: Bettia vs Lethislavania (Al-Fath Stadium, Sukatra)



Editorial Comment

The editor of the Bettia Enlightener would like to point out that neither he nor the management of the Bettia Enlightener advocate the burning of witches. Or anyone else for that matter. And come to think of it, we don't particularly like our reporters using red ink in such a dramatic fashion - not only does red ink cost more that black ink here, it is easily confused for blood by the easily confused, causing some people to faint at the sight of a tabloid. The reporter in question has been on egde lately and is currently being treated for severe stress - we wish him well. No, really we do.

Harlesburg close gap
Harlesburg 3 Riegab 0

Harlesburg with another emphatic 3 goal victory consolidate their position in the top four and also hold 3rd position although that could be lost to Haperd if they can beat Wella and even the 4th position is under some pressure if Paderina can pull off a remarkabl victory against an inform Turori.

Harlesburg's win is there 3rd win in 6 matches and they also have 2 draws and a loss giving them 11 points out of a possible 18.If Harlesburg can pull of a win against EL CID THE HERO it would not only be remarkable but also close the gap on the leaders by even more.

Harlesburg's Coach/Manager had this to say.
"We know it would be hard to beat The Cid but after our draw against Wella weve built up a lot more confidence about ourselves althought that was a draw it was high scoring which we feel gives us a chance if we can repeat a perforance like that however on the other side of the coin this team is ranked higher again than Wella and so since we managed a draw in that game a win in this would seem a dream."

But on closer inspection of the stats excluding the Wella game Harlesburg has only allowed 3 goals and has scored 8(11 including Wella) and also Harlesburg ran Turori down pretty hard in their 2-1 loss so nothing is a certainty here.

The Riegab Harlesburg game started slowly with the first reall chance coming in the 17th minute from an on pass but Harlesburg defender Kirk Freeman managing to get a foot in the way and deflected it out.
But from then on Harlesburg took control and their first chance came from Bompmore as he recieved a chest ball right at his feet and open turning struck it to perfection but unfortunatly it sailed high.

The scoring opened in the 29th minute from a well timed move along the right hand side with Leroy Brown and Fredderick Roberts linking well together to finally allow Brown to breech the defence and have a clear shot.

The half ended well for Harlesburg with 3 quick shots at goal and 2 corners applying plenty of pressure to the Riegab defence and only the halftime whistle after 2 minutes of stopage time saved them from another goal.
All up Harlesburg had shot 11 times in the half to Riegab's 5 and Harlesburg had been on target 8 times to their opponents 3.

Then early on in the second Harlesburg extended their lead through a solitary piece of genius from Lerrick Jones in the 48th.
Jones had reiceved the ball on the half way mark and preceded to run down the middle of the pitch avoiding each attempt made at tackling him before getting to the outer edge of the box and chipping it over the advancing Keeper.

The pressure still didnt let up for Riegab with a further 5 minutes of pressure being appied before the ball was cleared after 3 corner kicks and many near misses as well as some beuatiful saves from the Riegab Goalie.
Finally Harlesburg put the nail in the Riegab coffin in the 67th minute off the boot of Olaun Sallasan who on recieved the ball from a perfectly timed pass and he found himself in the box behind the Defencive line and he blasted the ball past the keeper.
The Riegab defenders complained for offside but it was all in vain the goal stood.

Scoring Summary
Leroy Brown 29th
Lerrick Jones 48th
Olaun Sallasan 67th

MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: 1 Harlesburg vs Artoonia 0
MD6: 0 Riegabvs Harlesburg 3
MD7: EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg



Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Turori 18 6 0 0 12:2 10
2. EL CID THE HERO 15 5 0 1 12:1 11
3. Harlesburg 11 3 2 1 11:6 5
4. Haperd 10 3 1 2 8:6 2
5. Pedriana 9 3 0 3 6:8 -2
6. Wella 7 2 1 3 8:6 2
7. Artoonia 0 0 0 6 0:12 -12
8. Riegab 0 0 0 6 0:16 -16

The Daily Druid

ALL GOING WRONG
Bill Posters on Druida being useless

We really are doing pretty badly, aren't we? It's OK blaming referees and what have you, but it is the table that counts, and at the moment, it doesn't make for pretty reading.

Druida are meant to be the second best team in the group. Quite easily, too. But at the moment, they're fifth. Fifth! I mean, for pity's sake, we're even below Hypocria in the table, and they're only in their first cup. Only we're allowed to do that!

But in all seriousness, no Druid national team has done this badly since World Cup 13! 40 years ago, back when the word "Druid" had its own definition in sporting circles as "adj completely useless." It seems we could be heading that way again.

Even the fact that five of our last eight games are at The Hole doesn't breed the confidence it once did. The Hole used to be one of the most threatening atmospheres in world football. Now, as our team needs us more than ever, it seems to be losing its edge. Are you all too drunk to care?

So how are we going to get out of our little predicament? Well, we'll have to sober our crowd up, and sober them up quickly! But how to do that... well, that's a totally different challenge...



- - - - - - - - - -

Unnamed helper: "Good news in the Daily Druid today. Bill Posters has used his column to try to encourage Druidans to sober up and get behind the football team!"

Trevor Turner: "Why's that good for us?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, we're trying to get them to sober up, too. OK, it may all be for different reasons, but I think if we get Mr Posters on board, then it could make our task a little easier!"

Turner: "Oh. And what shall we do with the water-flavoured beer?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, I'm the only person in Druida to have any, yes?"

Turner: "You gave some to the lab, didn't you?"

Unnamed helper: "I did, but the lab technician drunk it. Should've expected it, really. So anyway, I'm the only person in Druida with it. I've got another plan of what we can do with that. But that's for another day. Let's just say we won't be sending the water-flavoured beer to Llllllllllcwllllllll - we'll be sending footballers!"

Turner: "Why footballers?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, they're some of the few people in Druida who aren't alcoholics!"

Turner: "So what is our plan?"

Unnamed helper: "Simple. We ask players from all across the DruidLeague to go into pubs and encourage fans to stop drinking! Get them to do adverts, too! I mean, if we could get Bill Posters to get this thing rolling..."

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem.com

World Cup XXXIIII match day 6. Jeruselem took one One Red Dot and the hot dots escaped with 1-0 win. Not much separated both teams all game as the game ebbed and flowed back and forth. At half time, it was still scoreless despite some close misses. The dead lock was broken the second half with a class Dot goal but the dot defense had to fight off determined counterattacks from Jeruselem before prevailing - just.

Antarcticanada won a game - against Kassyyk 2-1 to show Group 10 teams can score more than 2 goals in game. It was one of the better games for Group 10 goalwise.

Spaam and TnUI had an armwrestle but no one prevailed. The goalless draw was exciting but it was in the end a goalless draw. We had expected TnUI to win, but Spaam are not rookies as we know.

Hockey Canada jumped to 3rd over Jeruselem but played a lesser opponent. They won 1-0 over Spolotikopia pushing Jeruselem to 4th while the Dots and TnUI stay top.

Antarcticanada 2 Kassyyk 1
Jeruselem 0 One Red Dot 1
Spaam 0 Total n Utter Insanity 0
Spolotikopia 0 Hockey Canada 1

Finally something exciting happens in Group 10.
Commentator falls asleep and his head catches fire.

Watching the most boring 0-0 draw in the history of boring 0-0 draws, commentator Dan Acroid fell asleep at his mic. A couple of local kids outside his commentating box spotted him asleep and decided to use a magnifying glass to set his hair on fire.

"We didn't think his hair was ever gonna combust."

Soon after it did the screams were heard all around the stadium, waking up over half the crowd.

"I wasn't sure what was going on, but I'd like to thank Dan for stopping me from falling into a coma."

Dan was rushed to hospital where he is currently in a stable and toasty condition.

Today’s headlines…

Freak, Wild Nationwide Storm Causes Havoc
No News In Or Out
Liam & Co Media

Marmadukes Doing Well
3 Wins From 5 Games Judged Not Bad
Liamist States Times

Spurland Games Will Decide 3rd Place, Qualification
Says Captain Bell
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Iziary Takes All Time Scoring Lead
20th Goal Overtakes Bell
The Hoist

Predictable Results
Things As Expected
Soccer Monthly

Hyppos Move Into Third



Hypocria 3 – 1 Lucianic
Shirko 25
Burdali 62
West 82


Six games have passed and Hypocria are quietly moving up the Group 9 table. The Hyppos sit in third place after this win in Lucianic and now have 10 points, 2 points behind Raptor Claw in second and only Sarzonia have scored more goals.

The confidence gained in the 5 – 0 hammering of Kajiztahn showed in what was a tricky trip to Lucianic as the Hyppos overcame a determined effort from the home side to take a valuable three points from the away fixture.

Coach N’Dungu-Nsungu reverted back to his preferred 4-4-2 system for the game in Lucianic, Dospel and Sinclair dropped to the bench with Veron and Petras returning to the starting eleven.

It was a good start from the Hyppos who had three chances in as many minutes after the kickoff, Liberda putting the best of the three narrowly wide. Lucianic hit back but found Kindelan in fine form. The deadlock was broken after twenty five minutes when Veron broke down the left and whipped in a cross. The goalkeeper came to collect but missed it completely, leaving Andrei Shirko with the simplest of chances at the far post. But again Lucianic hit back and this time with tremendous effect as a well placed effort from 20 yards proved too good for Kindelan.

The second half was as tight as the first but it was the Hyppos who took the lead again. Baxter spread the play to Veron on the left flank. The Hypocrium City midfielder charged down the wing before cutting the ball back to the edge of the box and Burdali fired past the keeper.

Lucianic pressed forward looking for a second equaliser but were caught out by a late sucker punch. A shot from the edge of the area was well saved by Kindelan who immediately bowled the ball out to Baxter. The Hypocria playmaker hit a long pass for West to run on to and the substitute striker ran through and clipped the ball over the advancing goalkeeper to seal all three points with his fifth international goal.

“Away victories are always important so I’m delighted with the performance”, the coach told the media. “We’re third in the group now but we aren’t going to get carried away as we haven’t even reached the halfway point yet.”


Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake (c)
7. Petras
8. Burdali (replaced by 15. Sinclair, 85)
9. Shirko
10. Liberda (replaced by 20. West, 74)
14. Drakes
21. Veron


Elsewhere in Group 9 World Champions Sarzonia are looking increasingly unstoppable as they kept yet another clean sheet as they won 2 – 0 in Chicanada, Raptor Claw picked up an important 1 – 0 home win over Druida and Kajiztahn gained their second point of the campaign thanks to a 1 – 1 home draw with Tonissia.


Group 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 16 5 1 0 16:0 16
2. Raptor Claw 12 3 3 0 4:1 3
3. Hypocria 10 3 1 2 10:5 5
4. Chicanada 10 3 1 2 4:4 0
5. Druida 8 2 2 2 3:3 0
6. Tonissia 3 0 3 3 2:6 -4
7. Lucianic 3 0 3 3 2:10 -8
8. Kajiztahn 2 0 2 4 2:14 -12


MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (5 - 0 win)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria (3 - 1 win)
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

http://www.geocities.com/lifeobrien/bull.txt
Who Dat? Who Dere?

Audioslavia's national team have been doing stuff. We kind of half knew this, but thanks to the farcical electrical fault which threw the entire nation (yes, all five billion of us) into darkness we had no idea how they were doing, especially because of the national teams insistance on training in whatever country they were playing in. The fact that the home games had to be shifted to the Lemmington National Arena in the ghost nation that used to be Lemmitania didnt help either.

Group 5 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Liverpool England 16 5 1 0 11:1 10
2. Audioslavia 16 5 1 0 9:2 7
3. Spurland 12 4 0 2 14:6 8
4. Liamist States 12 4 0 2 8:5 3
5. Invincible BoB 6 2 0 4 3:10 -7
6. NEWI Cefn Druids 3 1 0 5 2:8 -6
7. Kingsford 3 1 0 5 3:10 -7
8. Euroslavia 3 1 0 5 2:10 -8

Nonetheless, the 'slaves have been doing well. After the electrician finally found the button marked 'fuse' (next to a giggling Insanician) and switched Audioslavia's power back on again, we found that the 'slaves have won five of their six matches thus far, the only blot on their record being a scoreless draw with Liverpool England, who stay ahead of the 'slaves on goal difference.

As soon as pictures of the 'slaves preceeding matches come through, we'll give you some reports on them. As for now, g'nite bitches.

thsd:NEWS

Better Latte Than Never

IT'S all going right for the Caleys as they produced a late winner to defeat close rivals FMJPhoenix by one to none. Of course, this game had extra significance as it also served as the first leg of the Cafetiere Cup clash between the sides. It also stretches Krytenia's unbeaten run to eighteen.

The day screamed "big game" well before the match kicked off. Krytenian and Phoenix fans mingled in town centres and coffee shops all over Vanguard, with much amicable chatter and friendly banter. Rivals these sides may be, but each has respect for the abilities of the other. This extended to the teams themselves, with both sides meeting pre-game at the behest of FMJ coach James Wash. Even as the sides were coming out, many players were still in conversation, and Alan Munitis' classic "two nuns and a light bulb" joke seemed to go down relatively well with Wash.

And so to the match itself. Alas, the excitement of previous games seemed to drain away in the first few minutes, both sides happy to play a slow possesion game. Vikings captain Mike Nolan did put a chance close to Barcali's goal, but the Krytenian 'keeper was not severely tested.

The second half saw a bit more incident though - not all of it good. When a good through-ball put Dave Daniels through, Barcali rushed out and dived at his feet near the edge of the box. Daniels was unable to avoid the goalie, and caught Barcali's head with his trail leg. As sheer poor fortune would have it, Daniels had managed to catch Barcali's temple, knocking him unconcious. Barcali was immediately taken to hospital, where he is now recovering from severe concussion. Todd Colfox came on in his place to make his Krytenian (though not senior international) debut. Daniels also appeared to injure his ankle in the incident, limping off to be replaced by the experienced Alex Rivera.

Then, with barely a minute to go on the clock, the breakthrough came. A long, hopeful ball from Porter found Isserson. He played it out to Nigel Cole, who whipped in a fiendish cross that Kevin Keda steered home with an athletic diving header. One-nil the final score, and advantage Krytenia.

After three games on the road, it's a return to terra firma as they play the men, women and anthropomorphic goats of The Caprine States. We'll try to avoid the goat jokes and bestial satire (Shouldn't that be satyr? - Ed).

LAST ISSUE - APOLOGY.

We printed in the last issue that Krytenia were on a run of sixteen unbeaten after the Squornshelous. That should, of course, have read seventeen. Thanks to the many thousands (and thousands, and thousands... - Ed) who wrote in to tell us.

FMJPHOENIX - 0
KRYTENIA - 1
Keda 89

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD9: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare
MD11: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine States

"Starblaydi say red wire, yes?" Yandaki asked, looking up from the control panel that had been jigged open for them by the Jaehaerys.

"Yes," Royal said for the umpteenth time, looking around. This was no place for a footballer. Suddenly the wireless headset he was wearing crackled into life, making him jump.

<Take the lights down.>

"Roger," Roy said after a moment, "do it, Yandaki."

"Red?"

"Yes," Royal said for the umpteenth-plus-one time.

"Okay."


*****


"And the babe said 'let there be dark'," Dave chuckled, "so how are we going to break into this place, you've been watching it for what feels like days."

"He has been watching it for days," Keira frowned, "we could have been in and out of there by now."

Keira was right of course, were it not for the Royal Helicopter and daily runs of heavily-guarded trucks full of the facility's produce. Jay merely shrugged and looked into his binoculars again.

"No backups," he said, "so you get to use your crowbar, Charlie."

A few moments later the door was hanging off its hinges, the four were inside. The problem, however, was that they had no idea of what the inside of the building looked like. From outside it was basically a big white rectangular-shaped industrial building from any city under the sun. Dave quickly cracked the man at reception over the head.

"Oww!" he said, "What'd you do that for?"

"Dave!" Jay yelled at the incompetence. "I told you to knock him out, not tickle him."

"I'm tryin'," Dave said, punching the man in the face again, which illicited a groan, "but 'e's got an iron jaw."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Keira said, cracking the man over the back of the head with her pistol butt, suitably knocking him out.

"Have you lot had your fun?" Charlie interrupted. He'd been checking the internal map handilly provided on the wall, so knew roughly where to go. "C'mon, follow me."

Running through the corridors, the four were looking for anything which contained the genetically-altered peas. In laboratories, offices, storerooms and anything else they could break open the door of, the team searched franticly for their goal, though nothing was forthcoming.

"Loading Area!" Kiera yelled, following a sign and arrow on the wall, if there was one place in this building where there might be some crates of this stuff, it'd be there. Coming up to the door, Dave threw himself against it, trying to break it open like Jay had done with a previous entrance. With predictable results, Dave bounced off the hard wood and landed in a heap on the floor.

"Ow."

Keira walked up to the door and turned the knob, pulling the door open. The four burst into an...

Empty loading bay. Taking the sort set of stairs down into the loading area itself, they simply looked around, seeing the signs of where the peas had left the facility, but no peas in any shape or form. Then, just to make things worse, the power came back on. Guards would be assailing them any minute.

"Crap," Charlie said, "what do we do now?"

The large door began to slide upwards, three of them whirled to see Jay pressing the button to open it a few feet, leaving a gap large enough for them to get through quickly.

"Now," he said, "we bail and come back later."

Dropping to the floor, he rolled through the gap and escaped, quickly followed by the other three. The front door was quite certainly full of guards by now, so their only way out was through the fields of completely-ordinary peas. Quite predictably, Jay and Keira naturally outpaced Charlie and especially Dave, who was about to have a coughing fit if he ran any further. He stopped running, however, when he was neatly tripped by something metal in the ground. Charlie turned.

"C'mon... Dave?"

"Ow."

Charlie tracked back to see Dave on the floor, holding his foot.

"Stubbed me toe on that bloody thing," he explained, "who'd leave a big white submarine door there?"

Charlie blinked a few times, seeing the contraption for what it was. Helping Dave back to his feet, the two Britannicans hurried to the fence, precisely where they'd broken in before.

"I know where the crop is," he said between breaths as they fled the compound, "it's underground."

OOC: Sorry for the lack of RP. I'm not home this week.

IC:

Took from www.oliverriansoccer.oli
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/Oli55/Image3.png

Oliverry lost 2-0 against New Savio, the coach isn't very happy...

Well, now, the team is mainly without any support. Oliverry is now ranked last of their group. Now, for the little million fans here, let's explain how the game went:

In the first half of the game, 3 things mainly happened:
At the 16th minute, Joey St. Laurent made a pretty good stop when he dived at his left. But, 10 minutes later, After a penalty, New Savio scores and puts the score at 1-0 New Savio. 12 minutes later, at the 38th minute of the half, Oliver Jerardi is alone ahead of the keeper but he stops the shot.

After returning from the break, New Savio gets the ball. At the 52nd minute, they score their 2nd goal of the game. At the 64th minute, Jon McLard gets a yellow card for tackling a New Savian guy a little bit too hardly. 12 minute later, Oliverry could score as they got a penalty but Patrick Durocher missed completely the goal. At the 89th minute, rain started. Oliverrians are very good under rain. They got 3 chances to score but missed each one.

Now, here are the standings for group 7:
Group 7 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Cockbill Street 16 5 1 0 12:0 12
2. Commerce Heights 14 4 2 0 8:2 6
3. Nonesuch Street 11 3 2 1 13:8 5
4. Kylaai 10 3 1 2 8:6 2
5. New Savio 6 2 0 4 7:10 -3
6. Esrevistan 5 1 2 3 3:11 -8
7. Prolaterian Pandas 4 1 1 4 1:9 -8
8. Oliverry 1 0 1 5 2:8 -6

Next game will be against Commerce Heights, a pretty good team against which Olverry doesn't have any chances...

Predicted outcome: Commerce Heights win 2-1

Time: 6:24
location: ECFA head office, Doomhammer's office

Doomhammer is siting down reading a football blog on the Internet. S.Sam walks in with a piece of paper in his hand.

SS: the lions have done it. Wella have been defeated. All we now need to do is beat Harlesburg and the lions will have had a near perfect week.

DH: And then Match Week two will begin. And we begin the whole process over again.

SS: only with slightly less explosions, mutations and spying this time I hope.

DH: it’s certainly been quite an experience. And it’s been mostly due to Kirby. How is he?

SS: we expecting a call from the hospital any minute now. That should give us an indirection of his condition.

DH: K

The phone begins to ring. S.Sam picks it up.

SS: hello? Yes this is his office. Who is speaking? I see. And you’re sure of this? I see. Ok I’ll try and remember that. Goodbye then. That was the hospital. It seems Kirby had a cardiac event during the night.

DH: he’s dead then?

SS: yes sir. Very strange. His last word seemed to be “Onig”. As he lay dying he seemed determined to make someone remember it.

DH: I’ll have it written down. It’s his death wish. It’s only fair. Guess I wont need the clock anymore.

Vikings upbeat despite hard home loss

When Kevin Keda's header barely went in over Powell Lamar's outstretched hands, Viking stadium was a mix or cheers and jeers. It was suprisingly diverse between the fans, many Krytenians ventruing across the region for the qualifying match. It was expected to be a close match, and it was extremly close. Everyone thought it was going to be a draw down the line between them, but Nigel Cole bashed a fiendish cross that left Jason Mitchell shocked and stumped. The cross went to Keda, who had to make a articulate dive to head it to the net, but Powell Lamar was just a little to slow to react and dove late to try and clear it.

Krytenia takes the lead in the Cafetiere Cup, as the two matchdays between the two sides are being dubbed. The Vikings will have to come out hard the next time out in Krytenia, but James Wash is not letting his team dwell on the loss.

"It was a tough loss because we played real good and hard. Those guys were just a little more resourceful in the end. Its not over yet, as we still have one more match against them. Right now its time to focus on Kipto-Mare. We already beat them twice before, and we would like to make it a 3 for 3. Those guys over on the Caleys are a good group of guys and we look forward to playing them on matchday 13."

The loss has sent the Vikings back to third place on the table, but they are in a commanding lead over the rest of the group. The match against Kipto-Mare is going to be important, as it will be a neccesity win to stay 3rd or have a chance of stepping up before the 2nd leg comes.

Fmjphoenix: 0 - Krytenia: 1
None - Keda 89

Vikings Scorers:
Nolan: 3
Berry: 3
Grimm: 1
Daniels: 1

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 4-0-2, 12 points
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas Win 1-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States Win 2-0
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama Win 4-0
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia Loss 0-1
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

From the newspaper Hürriyet:


Goals! Goals! Goals!

"Losing the first four games of World Cup Qualifying changes the way you think about things. Whereas after losses one, two, and three you kept thinking 'we'll win next time,' after number four it's almost impossible to feel like you're going anywhere. You can't help but compare your standings with those of other teams in the same position and realize how poorly everything turned out for them. And for you. You're out of options. You don't know what to do." --Caprine Captain Johnny Martin shortly after the 2-0 home defeat to Fmjphoenix.

Despite the opponents that Caprine States would be facing in the next two games--unranked Garinas and Milchama--spirits were exceptionally low in bars, government offices, and the minds of football fans. How could a team that was supposed to be so good lose four consecutive games without scoring a goal in a single one of them? Were they a fluke? Was everything they stood for merely a fluke? These questions plagued the fragile psyche of our young nation.

But when we needed them to prove their mettle, they came through.

Four minutes into the the last home game to be held in the Confederacy in the first leg of competition, the very streaky Can Yildirim seemed to have switched himself into overdrive. After receiving the ball from a surprisingly sedate Ricardo Sánchez-Rodriguez, Yildirim dribbled the ball all the way to the top of the box as five Garinasian players tried to remove the ball from him. It was miraculous that he got the shot off at all, so even when it ricocheted off the post for a goalkick, one could notice a tangible lightening of the fans' moods. Perhaps this would be the day. Two minutes later it would be.

On a superb cross from Kankaldiran a scant two minutes after his first shot, Can Yildirim hammered the airborne football with such surprising precision that the goalie didn't even move as the ball found itself meeting the net.

For half a moment, the entire stadium went silent. No one seemed entirely sure of what happened. Did the ball go into the net? Well if it did, surely they'll call it back. The goal is good? The goal is good! And then came the cheers. Fans screamed away their frustrations with this Can Yildirim goal, and even though it was only the sixth minute, fans were hugging complete strangers as though Caprine States had just won the whole of the World Cup.

"It was agony to watch the Goats on TV," said football fan Gregory Kinpec, "To see them lose first to Kipto-Mare, then Buben, and then Squornshelous--and all without goals. It's like stabbing your eyes out. With a spoon. Seeing them score against Garinas, though, that just made all of our worries go away for the rest of the match. After that we were much less anxious."

The Goats played much less anxiously as well, dominating the entire match, and paving the way for Can Yildirim to pick up a hattrick with goals in the 16th and 65th minutes.

"Their form was simply amazing today," said Coach Mustafa Akburun, "It took five matches before it came out, but it finally has--especially on the forward line. Can [Yildirim] did all the scoring, but Aloysius [Tompkinson] was fabulous in keeping the ball up front and Kankaldiran's crosses were spot-on for the first time since the beginning of qualifiers."

The extreme relief that came from the Garinas victory was further amplified by the away win at Milchama. The 1-0 scoreline was not as one-sided as the Garinas match, but the play was. Milchama had to play extremely defensively just to keep the Goats from pouring on the goals.

The strong play from the Caprine States national squad has many speculating on a possible upset against Group 6 powerhouse Krytenia, which will be needed in order for the Goats to maintain a realistic chance of qualifying for the World Cup. After four goals in the last two matches--which is quite a lot of goals for this defensive-minded team. We shall see.

Shall I cast this out, this wilted rose?

RP Cut off for MD7

I almost cried on the day my rationality died...

Timely goal by Brown secures narrow win, keep pace with top squads in group

Although it was not as strong as their previous two matches against Kipto-Mare, it was still good enough, as Larry Brown put a penelty home against Kipto-Mare in the 88th minute to ensure a 1-0 victory over them and end the first half of qualification on a good note.

The match was a defensive struggle for Kipto-Mare, as 85% of the match was played on their side of the pitch. Luckily for them, their keeper was having the best match ever, as he cleared 10 shots in the first 20 minutes alone. In the end of the first half was when Kipto-Mare had their best chance to get a shot off. One of thir strikers managed a shot from 10 feet out, but Powell Lamar easily caught the ball with one hand. That same striker managed to get one more shot off, but it was punched out to Leider Duran, who held onto it until the end of the half. The first half was 0-0, but the Vikings had an amazing 10-2 shots attempted advantage. They were swarming furiously and not letting the Kipto-Mare squad get a chance to do anything.

The second half started off slowly, Kipto-Mare was trying to possess the ball and slowly march upfield. It took them ten minutes to go the whole half and once they crossed, they tried to press hard, but the Viking defenders were ready, and Kipto-Mare only managed one shot attempt. After the save, Fmjphoenix uncharacteristically played back. Despite the 0-0 scoreline, they spent 15 minutes just staying around midfield, keeping possession of the ball and not trying to attack. But it became clear what they were doing. Although they were not moving around much, they had the Kipto-Mare players running all over after the ball. Finally, where there was only 5 minutes left in the match, the Vikings went on an all out attack. Everyone came up, pressing hard over the worn out and tired Kipto-Mare players. With 2 minutes left though, Larry Brown was violently kicked in the back. For some reason, the Kipto-Mare defender was only given a yellow card, although everyone in the stadium felt a red card was deserved. Even though he was hurting, Brown still managed to put home the penelty shot he was awarded, and therefor giving the Vikings the win.

The victory propelled them to 15 points in the group. Luckily for James Wash's squad, both Squornshelous and Krytenia drew their matches against Buben and Caprine States respectivly. That puts the Psychoes, Caleys and Vikings all at 15 points and tied for first place. But the position on the table doesn't change, as goal difference keeps the Psychoes in first, the Caleys in second, and the Vikings in third. On the return leg of the qualifying matches, the Vikings will be spending a lot of time away from home, only returning on matchday 10 to play the Caprine States at home. It will be a good test to see how far they have come. The Vikings will have a boost though, as Dave Daniels, who was out resting his slightly sprained ankle will be back for the first match against Buben. Fmjphoenix defeated them 1-0 on the first matchday and Coach Wash hopes to keep that going.

"Its time for the team to show their real courage. Now they will have to spend a lot of time on the road and will have to continue to win at this same level. We start off with Buben. I expect my guys to go out there with everything and put up a good showing to keep pace with the Psychoes and Caleys."

Fmjphoenix:1 - Kipto-Mare: 0
Brown 88 - None

Vikings Scorers:
Nolan: 3
Berry: 3
Grimm: 1
Daniels: 1
Brown: 1

World Cup XXIII Qualification: 5-0-2, 15 points
MD01: Fmjphoenix vs Buben Win 1-0
MD02: Fmjphoenix vs Squornshelous Loss 0-2
MD03: Fmjphoenix vs Garinas Win 1-0
MD04: Fmjphoenix @ Caprine States Win 2-0
MD05: Fmjphoenix vs Milchama Win 4-0
MD06: Fmjphoenix vs Krytenia Loss 0-1
MD07: Fmjphoenix vs Kipto-Mare Win 1-0
----------------------------------
MD08: Fmjphoenix @ Buben
MD09: Fmjphoenix @ Squornshelous
MD10: Fmjphoenix @ Garinas
MD11: Fmjphoenix vs Caprine States
MD12: Fmjphoenix @ Milchama
MD13: Fmjphoenix @ Krytenia
MD14: Fmjphoenix @ Kipto-Mare

Stars sail past Tonissia, 3-0

The Sarzonian national football team knows better than to get carried away after seven matches of World Cup qualifying. After a dominating run through World Cup XXII, the Stars realise teams don't win a World Cup on the strength of one half of the qualifying season.

The Stars finished the first half of World Cup qualifying with a workmanlike 3-0 win over Tonissia to extend its lead over second place Raptor Claw to six points, with Hypocria and Chicanada both eight points off pace following goalless draws. Druida, the group's second seeds entering World Cup qualifying, are two points out of qualifying position and a full 10 points behind the Stars (6-1-0, 19 points).

"We're pleased our home supporters got something to cheer about," Coach Dave Wilson said. "But we've got to make sure we don't let up from here on out. There are plenty of traps on the road ahead."

Sarzonia certainly played like a team that was ready for anything Tonissia could have thrown at them. Forwards Barry Alphonso, Brian Wilson, and Kenny Cooper notched goals and the defence stifled Tonissia before they could seriously threaten goalkeeper Horace Sandt (four saves), who continued his personal streak of nine straight matches without conceding a goal and 20 consecutive fixtures without a loss.

"Those are some mind-numbing stats right there," Sandt said. "I just try to focus on the next match and forget the stats."

During the first half of qualifying, only Turori (7-0-0), playing in Region 2, has a better record than Sarzonia with only Audioslavia (6-1-0, Region 5) tied with the Stars for second place among all World Cup qualifying sides. However, the Stars' plus-19 goal differential is far ahead of the rest of the pack, with Bedistan's plus 13 a distant second.

"We just have to keep playing as well as we have been," Brian Wilson said. "We ain't done nothin' yet."

thsd:NEWS

Munitis Fails To Blow Goats

NINETEEN undefeated it may have been, but this was a far from memorable game. A Caprine side bent on causing frustration to the Krytenian forwards did just that, bludgeoning the game into a nil-nil draw.

It all started so well. The Caleys dominated the midfield, however either the shots from Neasden and Keda were wayward, or saved by the nimble Caprine keeper. Once the visitors had found their feet/hooves, however, they seemed to play like a team better than that their lowly position would suggest. The game was rather stifled after this, the final whistle a relief for the fans more than anyone else - though this was a better home performance than any managed by Davisham Town here last season. The chant of "You're Goats And You Know You Are" did, however, lighten the mood.

Next up - the return fixture against Milchama. After the four-nil tonking dished out on Matchday One, these new boys really shouldn't be that much of a problem.

KRYTENIA - 0
CAPRINE STATES - 0

MD1: H v Milchama W 4-0 (Denbigh Park, Ousevale)
MD2: A v Garinas W 1-0
MD3: H v Kipto-Mare D 0-0 (Sixways Stadium, Avidia)
MD4: A v Buben W 3-0
MD5: A v Squornshelous D 0-0
MD6: A v FMJPhoenix W 1-0
MD7: H v Caprine States D 0-0 (Mellion Lane, Davisham)
MD8: A v Milchama
MD9: H v Garinas (Q-Soft Stadium, Neathill)
MD10: A v Kipto-Mare
MD11: H v Buben (Midland Stadium, Bromham)
MD12: H v Squornshelous (Oxley Park, Everton City)
MD13: H v FMJPhoenix (Davis Memorial Stadium, Everton City)
MD14: A v Caprine States

Fans not amused

Three nil all draws at home lead to frustration
In visitor surveys taken by some 20,000 fans at the Pschychoes' 7th qualifying match, many reported being "disappointed, frustrated or f---cking pissed" about the performance of the Pschychoes at home games.
"I paid in advance for tickets to all seven home games, and what did I get?" exclaimed one fan, "Three scoreless draws and a one sided wipeout. My only hope left is the Fmjphoenix match on day 9. The game was frustratingly without offense, despite multiple subs by both sides. No one seemed to be able to create anything, as both defenses played exceptionally well, picking apart all the attacks of their opponenets.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 0-0 Buben

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 3
Perez: 2
Skritsch: 2
Popov: 2
Zikov: 1
Orlov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 7:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 15 4 3 0 11:1 10
2. Krytenia 15 4 3 0 9:0 9
3. Fmjphoenix 15 5 0 2 9:3 6
4. Kipto-Mare 7 1 4 2 4:5 -1
5. Caprine States 7 2 1 4 4:7 -3
6. Buben 6 1 3 3 4:8 -4
7. Garinas 6 1 3 3 3:7 -4
8. Milchama 4 1 1 5 2:15 -13


Up Next:
Garinas again. Squornshelous will be out for revenge, so to speak, after a 0-0 draw in matchday 1.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas vs Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

Today’s headlines…

Dammit All!
3rd Place Still Unresolved
Liam & Co Media

1 - 1
Bell: "Could've Been Worse"
Liamist States Times

Spurland's Rock Solid Defence Styimes Forwards
Marmadukes Settle For 1-1 Draw
Soccer and Babes Magazine

Winner Of Return Leg Will Grab Third
Says Champion
CDL Courier

Marmadukes To Fly To Kingsford
Will Play Squad Who Managed Draw Against LivEng
Soccer Monthly

'Could have been better
We wanted 3-0: says Federation president

Tadjikistan 1
Oglethorpia 0

The last game of the first round was definitly interesting, both on the field as well as next to it with an Oglethorpian side that held its own against a strong Tadjik block. The Tigers hunted the Ostriches but they could only catch them near the end of the match.

The Tigers made a couple good runs over the flanks and sent their strikers through twice but Hip Replac stopped one while Tanai's shot bounced of a defenders leg and wide over. Near the end of the first half the Oglethorpians made their first succesfull move down the Tadjik side but Kremlovs shot was blocked by Vorozheikins fists.

In the second half, the Tadjik side received some support from offensive attacker Voroshein and Gorodnianskij replacing Galitski and Shtemenko. Replacements that were fresh and willing play wider and seek the opportunity to break through.

The longer the game lasted the harder both sides tried to pull off something and score. Both teams could win greatly with a victory. However in the end, the 3 points were kept in Tadjikistan when Bayerenov placed a penalty kick, result a tackle by an Oglethorpian on Tanai, in the left corner of the Oglethorpian goal.

Although the Tadjiks won another match, some people werent happy. One of those was TNFF president Frunze who wanted a 3-0 victory here. The argument that Oglethorpia had a good defense was not strong enough to convince him, neither was the simple fact that Tadjikistan won. Frunze demanded a better, more 'interesting' and convincing second round. As if the first round wasnt convincing enough.




Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 18 6 0 1 14:2 12
2. Bedistan 16 5 1 1 16:3 13
3. Five Civilized Nations 15 4 3 0 9:2 7
4. Bipedal Apes 8 2 2 3 7:9 -2
5. Oglethorpia 7 2 1 4 5:8 -3
6. Tichang 7 2 1 4 5:13 -8
7. Villarica 5 1 2 4 5:14 -9
8. Finrods 3 1 0 6 1:11 -10


MD1: Tadjikistan - Tichang W 5-0
MD2: Bipedal Apes - Tadjikistan W 0-3
MD3: Tadjikistan - Finrods W 1-0
MD4: Villarica - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD5: Bedistan - Tadjikistan W 1-2
MD6: Five Civilized Nations - Tadjikistan L 1-0
MD7: Tadjikistan - Oglethorpia W 1-0
MD8: Tichang - Tadjikistan
MD9: Tadjikistan - Bipedal Apes
MD10:Finrods _ Tadjikistan
MD11:Tadjikistan - Villarica
MD12:Tadjikistan - Bedistan
MD13:Tadjikistan - Five Civilized Nations
MD14:Oglethorpia - Tadjikistan

Harlesburg ONE EL CID THE HERO ZILCH
Harlesburg 1 EL CID THE HERO 0

All around and along the borders of The Confederacy Of Harlesburg and the rest of the world those who had not stayed up late got up early or skipped their daily chores woke up to here one of the most interesting and inspiring results of Harlesburg's short and till now underperforming career as a World Footballing body bvut perhaps thats about to change.

Harlesburg coming off a string of victories added another one to a now long chain of consecutive matches with a point coming out of a game as they havent lost since playing Turori and they achieved a point from their game against Wella.

Coach/Manager had this to say
"Im very proud of the guys weve stpped up an amazing amount this time around only one loss something we couldnt fathom in our previous attempts 1 loss would have been held in the same esteem as one win.
I hope we can continue this form and not peak to early for the next round and hopefully further."

The Harlesburg EL CID THE HERO game had been billed as a must watch all across Harlesburg people had seen the wears of this new look Harlesburg team and now had high hopes could they deliver would they deliver?
The answer was yes After 53 minutes of game time including 2 extra minutes of injury at halftime in the 7 minute of the second half Harlesburg through the magical boot of Olaun Sallasan went ahead and then held on for another 40 minutes to clinch another victory and more competition points.

Olaun Sallasan who had struggled for form early on in the competition really has shown his prowess in the last few games scoring 2 goals in the last 2 games this time off his head after watching the corner kick perfectly his leap out stripped everyone else and as he came back down the ball was flying towards the back of the net.

Sallasan's 3rd goal of the tournament has taken hoim to sole lead in the Harlesburg standings and one of the top scorers in the pool let alone the whole competition.

Sallasan said this..
"Sure im hapy scoring goals ive scored 3 now and id love more but this isnt about me its about the team and my beloved Harlesburg if we win and i dont score im happy personel milestones ca only get you so far eing part of a team and contributing in other ways is much more important.
i really dont mind not scoring as long as we win if i dont score i know that others around me will so its good to know youve got the confidence and belief in the guys around you to do the job."

Harlesburg's nex match is against 1st opponents Haperd excet this time Harlesburg care designated hosts and will run out in their yellow strip.

Scoring Summary
Olaun Sallasan 52nd minute

Group Results
Turori 2 Pedriana 0
EL CID THE HERO 0 Harlesburg 1
Wella 1 Haperd 0
Riegab 2 Artoonia 2


MD1: 1 Haperd vs Harlesburg 1
MD2: 0 Pedriana vs Harlesburg 2
MD3: 2 Turori vs Harlesburg 1
MD4: 3 Harlesburg vs Wella 3
MD5: 1 Harlesburg vs Artoonia 0
MD6: 0 Riegabvs Harlesburg 3
MD7: 0 EL CID THE HERO vs Harlesburg 1
MD8: Harlesburg vs Haperd
MD9:Harlesburg vs Pedriana
MD10:Harlesburg vs Turori
MD11:Wella vs Harlesburg
MD12:Artoonia vs Harlesburg
MD13:Harlesburg vs Riegab
MD14:Harlesburg vs EL CID THE HERO


Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Turori 21 7 0 0 14:2 12
2. EL CID THE HERO 15 5 0 2 12:2 10
3. Harlesburg 14 4 2 1 12:6 6
4. Wella 10 3 1 3 9:6 3
5. Haperd 10 3 1 3 8:7 1
6. Pedriana 9 3 0 4 6:10 -4
7. Artoonia 1 0 1 6 2:14 -12
8. Riegab 1 0 1 6 2:18 -16

Harlesburg Tournament Goal Scorers

3 Olaun Sallasan vs Pedriana(Gm2.1)54th min,vs Riegab(Gm6.1)67th min.vs EL CID THE HERO(Gm7.1)52nd min
2 Lerrick Jones vs Wella(Gm4.1)56th min,vs Riegab(Gm6.1)48th min
2Leroy Brown vs Artoonia(Gm5.1) 69th min,vs Riegab(Gm 6.1)29th min
1Micheal Dornerger vs Pedriana(Gm 2.1)88th min
1Olsen Olsen vs Haperd(Gm1.1) 37th min,
1Fredderick Roberts vs Turori(Gm 3.1)34th min
1Derrick Jaresten vs Wella(Gm4.1)28th min
1Micheal Sladeresent vs Wella(Gm4.1)87th min

The Daily Druid

THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on Druida 0 Hypocria 0

OK, this is getting too much now! Stop it! Give it up!

No, in all seriousness, this has to stop.

Three games at The Hole have all finished goalless so far. Plus this isn't only happening to us here in Druida. Look at these scores for matchday seven alone.

Squornshelous 0 Buben 0
Krytenia 0 Caprine States 0
Cockbill Street 0 Prolaterian Pandas 0
Robotopolis 0 Englerica 0
Druida 0 Hypocria 0
Raptor Claw 0 Chicanada 0
Total n Utter Insanity 0 Kassyyk 0

That's seven goalless draws on one matchday alone. SEVEN! The DPL barely has seven over an entire season!

The scores do not lie. Spruitland have had five goalless draws out of their first seven games. Squornshelous fans have been reported to be angry that heir side have had three home goalless draws.

Overall, there have been 36 goalless draws in the 140 games so far. This isn't right. It isn't fair. It isn't what we come to the World Cup to see. Teams so scared of losing that they put all of their players at the back is just the stupidest idea ever. Only Rejistanians and Hockey Canadians would do such a thing.

Which leads us at the Daily Druid to believe that something sinister is going on. We're not sure what it is, but we have two words that will give you an idea of how the Druidan branch of the operation is working.

Lyksu. Kansu.

Yes, Mr. Kansu denied either side even the meerest sight of goal yesterday, just so it couldn't be said that it any goals were disallowed. Free kicks were given for players passing within five yards of other players, throw-ins were given for the ball leaving the centre circle. Corners and goal kicks just didn't come in to it.

By the end, only Druida captain Ricky Mallon was left on the pitch for Druida, as the other players had walked off in disgust. Not that it particularly mattered. Lyksu Kansu meant that no-one would score anyway.

So where now for Druida? Fifth in the group at the half way point, fans too drunken to shout the team on and no sign of things getting any better. The team are pretty blameless in this whole debacle. To the sober Druidans out there, we suspect that there is something more to it than that.


- - - - - - - - - -

Unnamed helper: "Ah, Mr Posters. Hello there. I'm from the Druidan Presidential Office, and we're so pleased that you're signing up to the "Make Druida Sober" campaign."

Bill Posters: "Anything to help get this country back to where it belongs."

Unnamed helper: "I couldn't agree more. Now the scheme involves famous non-alcoholics like yourself going into places of drink, like pubs, and talk to people, convince them that drinking isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Bill Posters: "It sounds like a good idea. Who has signed up so far?"

Unnamed helper: "Well, you'll be the first, but the first of many. We'll be hoping to get professionals from each and every club in the DruidLeague to sign up and get the message out to every community in the country."

Bill Posters: "It sounds as if you really mean it."

Unnamed helper: "Oh, we do. We've been planning to do something for some time now. Your article the other day only spurred us into action a bit quicker. Anyway, we were hoping that you'd do a little TV piece as well, just to get the campaign on the road."

- - - - - - - - - -

Later that night, on TV screens across Druida...

"Are you just about to leave for the pub? About to open another can? Then STOP!

"I'm former Druida winger Bill Posters, though you probably know that already. What you may not know is that I am one of a minority of Druidans who does not drink alcohol.

"Think about it for a second. Not drinking alcohol. Can you remember what it was like? Not many of you will do.

"I'll tell you what it was like. You were happy. Your family was happy. Your country was happy. Hell, we even won the odd football match occasionally!

"Those days aren't here anymore. But you can bring them back!

"You see, all of Druida's leading organisations, the government, the DFA, people like that... hell, even the North Eastern Shoe Flinging Federation... they're all supporting a scheme to get youse of the booze.

"It's called MAKE DRUIDA SOBER. As you can see, I'm even wearing the official t-shirt, just to get the message across wherever I go. And remember, if Bill Posters can keep clean, so can you!"

Jeruselem Government News

Spaammed ...

World Cup XXXIII match day 7. We had a grand total of ... 4 goals in 4 games, yes. Dismal scoring, as has been for a while except for one match day.

TnUI should have beaten Kassyyk, but it didn't happen. In fact no scoring was done and all went home with 1 point each. We love scoreless draws (not).

One Red Dot took on Hockey Canada and won. This follows up it's 1-0 win over Jeruselem and guess the scoreline over the Canadians ... 1-0. Not the most exciting game as you'd expect but the dots had the most offensive resulting in the only goal of the game.

Spolotikopia took on rookies Antarcticanada with the best game of Group 10. Both scored a goal each and the rest of the game was missed opportunities with lots of defense as normal in Group 10.

We hate spam, but it's not good when we loose to team called Spaam. Jeruselem lost to Spaam in a scoreline in favour of Spaam ... wait for it ... 1-0. Not a pretty game, bogged down in less than spectular gameplay and defensive tactics. Spaam scored the only goal and well, we lost.

Jeruselem's last 3 games have resulted in a draw and two losses resulting in a fall to 5th with the Canadians and Spaam taking advantage. TnUI and the dots are still heading the Group.


Total n Utter Insanity 0 Kassyyk 0
One Red Dot 1 Hockey Canada 0
Jeruselem 0 Spaam 1
Spolotikopia 1 Antarcticanada 1

The Daily Druid

0-0 BANNED IN DRUIDA
Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po on the new law

Following the three goalless draws for the Druidan national team, a ban on the scoreline has been imposed on all international and top flight and DFA Cup games in Druida until the year 2018, the year in which World Cup 23 will take place. Anyone found guilty of willingly helping to assist in a goalless draw will be brought in front of the Druidan courts, and could be sentenced with up to three months imprisonment, as well as being forced to watch Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po's Greatest Own Goals and Gaffs video on non-stop repeat until they find it funny.

Nedalia vs Bettia
The Big Match Buildup

And you join us here in a packed Kafra International Stadium for live World Cup football, as Bettia face Nedalia in this crucial Group 8 match. Joining me in the studio are Stuart Abdul-Rahim and Ilyas Bowen. Now, our boys really have it all to do after two consecutive defeats against Oaker and Lethislavania, and they'll really have to step up a gear if they're going to get anything from tonight's game.

That's right Bob. We may have won three of our games but they weren't exactly impressive results, and when it has mattered, we haven't been able to step up our game. We badly need to do that now - we're six points off the pace at this halfway stage and we need to start getting some good wins now, especially away from home.

Thank you. Now, tonight's team sheet makes for some interesting reading. With one exception, Munir At-Tariq has kept faith with the same eleven that started against Lethislavania, playing that familiar 5-3-2 formation that sometimes seems to serve us well.

We have Amir Bettison maing his international comeback in goal - obviously the management is hoping his experience will see the Aroras through. Then we have Musa Williams, captain Gareth Coates and Ian Repath in the centre of defence, with Amir Bin Da'ud playing as left wing-back and Geraint Carew on the right. The midfield is comprised of Amir Brooks, John Connick and Ieuan Swain, who has made the left midfield his own lately. And up front we have the familiar pairing of Judson York and Chris Hutton.

The real talking point though is sitting on the bench - young Latif Hunter, the league's top scorer, looks set to make his debut tonight. Do you agree with him being on the bench Stuart?

Yes, and I for one am glad he is there. He's been on stunning form all season and he's been champing at the bit to get his first taste of international action.

And what about Tiddles? Will she be able to cope with the big match atmosphere?

Well we all know she can get a bit nasty, just like when she attacked the ref during the match against Lovisa. Mind you, she's usually well-behaved so I don't think tens of thousands of screaming, passionate fans will make a difference. She does her own thing, no two ways about it.

Of course, this isn't just any qualifying match but a local derby of sorts, and once again our travelling support hasn't let us down. There's countless thousands making the short trip over the border just to sample the atmosphere. And what an atmosphere it is too - Bettians and Nedalians have been mingling and singing in the city centre all day, just making the most of this wonderful occasion. We caught up with a few of them enjoying the fine Nedalian hospitality:

So how do you think Bettia will get on tonight?

It's gonna be really tough for our boys, but I reckon we could do a proper job here. We didnt come down all the way from Spiddaford just see em lose.

Latif Hunter, 90th minute winner, bloody hero! Mark my words, its gonna happen!

COME ON YOU 'RORAAAAAS!

BETTIAAA, LA-LA-LAAA! BETTIAAA, LA-LA-LAAA!
Yes, stirring words from the fans on the street there. And in the stadium itself we have an estimated 25000 fans - that's over a quarter of the 92000 seats - so you can sure our lads will be getting the same wholehearted, vociforous support that we saw in Stadiwm Bettia just a while ago. And I think we're about to hear some of that now as the two teams are led out onto the pitch, so without further ado it's over to our match commentators Yusef Hariri and Cledwyn Jones...

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football

World Cup qualifying: the halfway report

Matchday 4
Tichang 0-3 Bedistan
Not a whole lot to say about this one; just eleven Lions knowing how to get the job done against inexperienced opposition on the road.
Scorers: Vantrease 9, Martínez 23, Norton 81

Matchday 5
Bedistan 1-2 Tadjikistan
The Tadjik Tigers do it again, picking up three wins from the Lions in their last three meetings and maintaining once again a perfect record in qualifying to that point. The Tigers seem to have officially become a bogey team for us, much like Liverpool England half a century ago, and you can bet the Bedistani team will be seeking revenge in the return leg.
Scorers: Vantrease 17, Tanai 24, Galitski 80

Matchday 6
Finrods 0-1 Bedistan
Finrods came out in a System Karela, making most of the Bedistani attacks useless. However, an attempted counterattack by a Finrods player failed, resulting in a counter-counterattack by Quentin Phillips, who successfully slotted the ball past the Finrods keeper.
Scorers: Phillips 66

Matchday 7
Bedistan 5-0 Villarica
The crowd at Fillmore National on matchday seven was treated to a grand newbie-stomping festival as the Lions scored five goals without opposition. As it stands, Bedistan's offense is tied for the best in qualifying with World Cup 22 runners-up Oaker, each having scored sixteen goals in seven matches. Unfortunately, Tadjikistan are still stubbornly refusing to lose (the 5CN match excepted), so despite this great performance we still trail the Tigers by two points.
Scorers: Orr 15, 37; Vantrease 26; Mannheim 61; Stalls 79

The Group 4 standings at the halfway point:
Region 4 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Tadjikistan 18 6 0 1 14:2 12
2. Bedistan 16 5 1 1 16:3 13
3. Five Civilized Nations 15 4 3 0 9:2 7
4. Bipedal Apes 8 2 2 3 7:9 -2
5. Oglethorpia 7 2 1 4 5:8 -3
6. Tichang 7 2 1 4 5:13 -8
7. Villarica 5 1 2 4 5:14 -9
8. Finrods 3 1 0 6 1:11 -10

Unsurprisingly, the top three seeds hold the top three positions, though Bedistan should by right be in first place ahead of the Tigers. Five Civilized Nations actually remain the only undefeated team in the group, and are directly on the Lions' tail trailing them by one point. Bipedal Apes are putting in a performance much greater than their lack of seeding would indicate - you'll remember before qualifying started that we predicted them to do exceptionally well, and we seem to be right. They're holding on to fourth place one point ahead of Oglethorpia and Tichang, while fourth seeds Finrods have been exceptionally disappointing, sitting in last place on three points.

Snore Draw


Druida 0 - 0 Hypocria


On paper a trip to Druida was always going to be tough but thanks to the referee the prospect of the Hyppos gaining a point from the fixture was never in doubt.

The coach kept faith with the same eleven that had started the game in Lucianic but he could have played the under-9s and still come away with a point as the march quickly descended into farce.

Any kind of move towards a goal was stopped by a blast from the referees whistle, any attacking move was punished. Long before the end Druida had only one player left as the rest had left the field in utter disgust. While the Druida captain argued with the officials the Hypocria defender took control of the ball inside his own half and hit it long towards the now empty Druida goal. It was on target and would have been the winner had the referee not noticed and blew the final whistle, despite only being in the 84th minute, as the ball rolled towards the line. It was a strange end to a strange match.

"It was a strange game and I can understand the Druidan's anger", the coach admitted later. "But we weren't expecting to get something from here so it is very much a point gained for us."



Hypocria

1. Kindelan
2. Golla
3. Poskas
4. Baxter
6. Blake (c)
7. Petras
8. Burdali
9. Shirko
10. Liberda
14. Drakes
21. Veron




Elsewhere in Group 9 Sarzonia remain in firm control at the halfway stage after a convincing 3 – 0 home win over Tonissia. They are now six points clear at the top of the table. They edged further in front as second placed Raptor Claw were held to a goalless draw at home by fourth placed side Chicanada. In the battle at the bottom Kajiztahn got their first win of the campaign after a good 3 – 0 win in Lucianic. The win moves them up into sixth and Lucianic drop to the foot of the table. The results mean Hypocria remain in a very respectable third place at the halfway point.


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 19 6 1 0 19:0 19
2. Raptor Claw 13 3 4 0 4:1 3
3. Hypocria 11 3 2 2 10:5 5
4. Chicanada 11 3 2 2 4:4 0
5. Druida 9 2 3 2 3:3 0
6. Kajiztahn 5 1 2 4 5:14 -9
7. Tonissia 3 0 3 4 2:9 -7
8. Lucianic 3 0 3 4 2:13 -11


MD 1 - Chicanada vs Hypocria (2 - 0 win)
MD 2 - Tonissia vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 3 - Sarzonia vs Hypocria (3 - 0 loss)
MD 4 - Hypocria vs Raptor Claw (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium) (1 - 0 loss)
MD 5 - Hypocria vs Kajiztahn (Drissa Sports Arena, Drissa) (5 - 0 win)
MD 6 - Lucianic vs Hypocria (3 - 1 win)
MD 7 - Druida vs Hypocria (0 - 0)
MD 8 - Hypocria vs Chicanada (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 9 - Hypocria vs Tonissa (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 10 - Hypocria vs Sarzonia (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)
MD 11 - Raptor Claw vs Hypocria
MD 12 - Kajiztahn vs Hypocria
MD 13 - Hypocria vs Lucianic (Oceanside Stadium, Pylos)
MD 14 - Hypocria vs Druida (Hyppodrome, Hypocrium)

Hockey Canada drop a goal and game to One Red Dot

One Red Dot can't argue with the 1-0 win they pulled off yesterday against Hockey Canada when a goal in the 41st minute managed to slip past Thomas. The loss put Hockey Canada in 4th place behind Spaam but ahead of Jeruselem seeing a 3-way battle for 3rd and 4th. It can be sure that the next couple of games for these teams will be battles. But the One Red Dot game didn't help the Hockey Canadian's goal differential.

The game opened with a dazzling fireworks display that sent some fans running and screaming with their clothing on fire. Thankfully no part of the stadium or pitch was damaged. With music blaring behind the Hockey Canada net to these lyrics:

(to the tune of "I am Canadian")

I know the pitch is where I am,
No other team is better then.
No matter where I go I am,
Proud to be Hockey Canadian!

I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!
I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!
COME ON!

I love this country where I am,
Our land is where we make our stand.
No other heart is truer then,
The one we call Hockey Canadian!

I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!
I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!

System Karela is what I play,
The only system here to stay.
8-1-1 formation is the only only way,
We like to play Hockey Canadian!

I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!
I am, you know I am, I am Hockey Canadian!

0-0 the only score we'll take,
1-0 for us is a piece of cake.
Victory is the only thing we'll take,
Because we are Hockey Canadian!

SING IT !

I am, you know (you know I am), I am Hockey Canadian
I am, you know I am (you know I am), I am Hockey Canadian.
I AM HOCKEY CANADIAN!

The game started with the boombox still behind the Hockey Canadian net and it must have inspired them to play exceptionally well as they did to keep One Red Dot from scoring most of the 1st half featuring some more-than-necessary saves from Kyle Thomas. Yanic Perrault kept his cool in the 37th minute when a One Red Dot striker pushed him hard in his own penalty area, you could tell from the highest point in the stadium he was not happy with the referee's blindness.

Kyle Thomas had more to be fuming about when One Red Dot scored in the 41st minute. The defence was caught cheating up and it was a 3-on-0 break for One Red Dot. Thomas played the angle right on the ball-carrier but a quick pass and a touch into the net put One Red Dot up 1-0 and left Thomas furious with his defence who seemed to abandon him.

The rest of the game seemed pretty boring with the absence of goals and a few saves. So now witht he 1st half of qualifying done, Hockey canada is looking for a repeat win over Spaam tonight.

Euroslavia loses the Battle of the Slavs; Continues to Slide

The Euroslav team continues its slide in the 23rd World Cup with a loss against its rival Slavic team, in Region 5. The final score was 3-0, with Euroslavia being shut out for the past four games, which has become a new record low for the team. Some serious changes are going to have to be implemented, or else the team will have a lot of trouble in the coming future. Following this game, the Head Coach of the Euroslavia Chromas was fired, and a new coach, who was the head of the soccer team at Arcadia University, was given the task at turning everything around, in hopes of getting at least two more wins for the qualifying round, as well as getting Euroslavia out of the cellar.

Extra practices for the team will be scheduled to work on new strategies, formations, as well as more exercises for the team to become more cooperative, rather than each player being an individual.

Spurland 3 Euroslavia 0
Euroslavia 0 Kingsford 2
Euroslavia 2 NEWI Cefn Druids 1
Euroslavia 0 Liverpool England 1
Liamist States 1 Euroslavia 0
Invincible BoB 2 Euroslavia 0
Audioslavia 3 Euroslavia 0

Euroslavia's only victory comes against the NEWI Cefn Druids, 2-1. The problem comes down to the cooperation of the team. Offense and Defense alike are inferior when each player acts like their own team. Passing is the one thing that needs to be practiced more if the offense and defense are to have any chance at matching any of the other competitive teams in Region Five.

Region 5 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Audioslavia 19 6 1 0 12:2 10
2. Liverpool England 17 5 2 0 11:1 10
3. Spurland 13 4 1 2 15:7 8
4. Liamist States 13 4 1 2 9:6 3
5. NEWI Cefn Druids 6 2 0 5 4:9 -5
6. Invincible BoB 6 2 0 5 4:12 -8
7. Kingsford 4 1 1 5 3:10 -7
8. Euroslavia 3 1 0 6 2:13 -11

The Bureaucratic Tribune

Oglethorpia on pace not to qualify

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- The Ostriches return home for Oglethorpia for matchday eight, the first in a series of three home matches. Oglethorpia's record halfway through qualifying stands at 2-1-4; firmly putting them on the road towards nonqualification.

"Even if everyone stayed right where they were, we'd likely not capitalize and preform exactly as we did these first seven matchdays, if not worse -- and thus we wouldn't qualify. Impossibilites withstanding -- not withstanding, we're even worse off," dismally predicted coach Torrence Black.

Oglethorpia finished matchdays six and seven with a surprising victory over unranked Tichang and a not-so-shocking loss to Tadjikistan.

"Though not by the margin we expected," said Hip Replac. "I only gave up one, which deserves to be recognized as some sort of accomplishment."

The rest of the Oglethorpian qualifying schedule looks like this;

MD 8: Oglethorpia vs. Finrods
MD 9: Oglethorpia vs. Villarica
MD 10: Oglethorpia vs. Bedistan
MD 11: Oglethorpia @ Five Civilized Nations
MD 12: Oglethorpia @ Bipedal Apes
MD 13: Oglethorpia vs. Tichang
MD 14: Oglethorpia vs. Tadjikistan

From the newspaper Hello Goat!:


We'll Take it, Dammit!


Technical brilliance? No, of course not! But at this point, we don't need technical brilliance, we need results, and we're finally getting some, getting seven out of nine points in our last three games after being completely and utterly shutout in the first four.

No single performance was particularly stunning in the Krytenia match, which ended in a nil-nil draw, except for that of young Mr. Eduardo Clemente, who stood between the posts and made thirteen saves, many of which came in the beginning of the match when the defense struggled to figure out the deadly Krytenian front line. Clemente's flawless day has left most goats nodding with satisfaction, knowing that the future of international football for these Caprine States is that much less insecure, considering starter Eski's age.

Caprine captain Johnny Martin was fully stifled for the first time in the entire qualifying series; even the announcers from the Caprine Sports Network didn't mention him except to say how invisible he was. Martin had been credited in earlier matches with keeping opposing teams honest by forcing attacks upon them, and experts say he averted at least four goals against our national squad in those days where we simply couldn't get it together.

When asked about his absence, Martin grinned and pointed out that he had been lifted from the starting lineup to give him a break after playing every match featuring the Confederacy. Oddly enough, no one had even considered this possibility until he mentioned it himself.

"We got a roster printout from downstairs as the game started, of course," said CSN announcer and radio-show host Johnny Go-Lightly, "But we thought that Igancio Gómez being in Martin's place was a mistake or something. We dismissed it. We would have caught the error if the game weren't so balanced against our midfield--we have to follow the ball, and it just never went to a midfielder. I can't even remember saying 'Latour' [another midfielder] the whole match, but she was in there."

Four regular starters, Eski, Martin, and forwards Can Yildirim and Aloysius Tompkinson, were sitting out the match, which the Goats played in a 5-3-2 instead of the traditional 4-3-3. When asked about sitting Yildirim and Martin, who combined scored all four goals thus far in the World Cup Qualifying, Coach Akburun said, "It's important to strike while the iron is hot, but it's even more important to make sure the iron doesn't break from stress. We weren't throwing this match away by any means, but we had to rest our goal scorers if we plan to score with them anymore in the next month."

The risk taken by coaches Akburun and Bonaventure seems to have paid off with the 0-0 draw, which was a better-than-expected result for our Goats, and now we will Kipto-Mare, who defeated us in their house 1-0 the first time around, but things change entirely when people are subjected to the bahs and the resounding acoustics of the Istiklal, where all but two of the remaining home games will take place.

Match Day 8 RP Cut off...

Sorry, Druida about your complaints... But doesn't life go on?

Stars trying to 'get a little myopic'

Sarzonia supporters, don't get used to this.

That was the message Coach Dave Wilson had for the supporters after the Stars defeated Kajiztahn 3-0 in the away leg to give the Sarzonian national side another three points and an eight point cushion ahead of second place Raptor Claw, the next opponents for the Stars.

"We expected qualifying to go a lot tougher," Wilson said. "However, we're about to face the team we didn't beat last time in our next match. We're going to have to raise the stakes to win this time around." The match against Raptor Claw has been moved from Portland's Iron Bowl to the stadium most footballers would say is the country's premier football grounds: Hendrix Stadium in Woodstock.

"It's our best stadium and it's in our nation's capital, what more can you ask for," forward Brian Wilson said. "We're expecting a full crowd out there."

The Stars may also get the services of former Legalese manager Barry Owens, who served as the top assistant coach for Dave Wilson until World Cup XXII qualifying, when the now-defunct national team offered him the coaching position. Dave Wilson denied the rumours, but a source called it a "fait accompli."

"Owens would always be welcome back," the source said. Unconfirmed reports have Dave Wilson retiring after the Finals and Owens taking over as head coach.

"That was the plan all along," the source said. "Legalese kind of threw that plan off when they hired Barry. But Dave was expecting to retire and let Barry coach the team. Dave would probably keep coaching if Legalese starts their team back up again."

Sarzonia got its goals from reserve forwards Bruce Badger and Kenny Cooper, and got a rare goal from defender Lance Alcina, all between 70 and 84 minutes in. Goalkeeper Horace Sandt made three saves and only occasionally looked tested. The Stars (7-1-0, 22 points) have outscored opponents 22-0 in the eight matches of qualifying thus far. Only Turori has a better mark in the standings than Sarzonia, but the Stars' plus 22 differential is six better than second ranked Bedistan's plus 16.

"Those are some interesting statistics, but they mean jack squat right now," forward Barry Alphonso said. "If we don't get back to the [World Cup final] and hoist the Cup again, we'll have had a poor campaign. We have expectations now that we've won a Cup once."

"Right now, the only thing I care about doing is beating Raptor Claw," Sandt said. "It's time for us to get a little myopic."

The night before the match against Starblaydia…

“No no no no no! Guys, come on, please! Eat this, it’s great stuff, I promise!”

But Martin Backer, President of the Spruitland Football Association, found his plea utterly ignored. The players of the national football team got up from their seats as one, plates untouched.

Cor Bensen, the coach, came out of the kitchen of the Starblaydi hotel the team was staying in, carrying a large garbage bin. Backer rushed to intercept him.

“Cor, please! Trust me on this, it’s very important that they eat it!”

“It’s very important that my players get a decent meal the night before a big match,” Bensen said, pushing Backer aside. “Taters and peas is not a decent meal. Line up, fellers!”

He placed the garbage bin on the floor, lifted a foot onto its edge and leaned an elbow on his knee.

“I can have you fired over this!” Backer tried. Before he had good and well finished the sentence, big Jan Wolters grabbed the SFA President by the collar and lifted him several inches into the air.

“Just try it, you slime. Coach gets the sack and Spruitland drops out of the World Cup due to a lack of players. Ain’t that right, boys?”

“Damn straight!” team captain Frederic Juneau agreed, and the rest of the squad echoed him only a split second later.

“Take it easy, guys. I’m sure Mr. Backer was just speaking hypothetically,” Bensen soothed, but there was a little twinkle in his eyes.

With a little grunt and a last intimidating glance, Wolters dropped the thoroughly paled Martin Backer onto the floor. He grabbed his plate from the table and stepped up to the garbage bin.

“This is what we think of SFA regulation diet,” he said, tossing it into the bin, plate and all. The others quickly lined up behind him and dumped their plates into the bin one by one, shattering porcelain and splattering peas…

* * * * *

“What about this place?”

“The Golden Rune? That doesn’t sound like a restaurant.”

“I don’t care what it sounds like, it smells like a summer barbeque. Let’s go!”

The Golden Rune was a restaurant alright, but not one of any kind the Spruitlanders were used to. Low wooden tables and benches, rough granite walls with pick axes for decoration and torches for lighting. A suckling pig was roasting over an open fire in the center. Several dozen mean, bearded faces looked at the entrance, where the Spruitland Wabbits were blocking each other.

“Oh… dwarves,” Simon Briers said, team mates bumping into his back.

“That’s right, laddie,” a dwarf at one of the nearest tables said, armwrestling with another one. “Got a problem wi’that?” Another dwarf stood up and lifted an axe from one shoulder to the other.

“Erm, no… no problem. We’ll move right along, sorry for the disturbance.”

“Nonsense lads, come on in,” a particulary fat dwarf behind the bar said. “We ain’t too proud tae take y’r money.”

The Wabbits hesitated. Jan Wolters pointed at the roasting pig.

“That does look good,” he said, causing grunts of agreement from the others.

“And they have ale,” Samson Trouwel said, causing more grunts of agreement.

“Lots of ale!” one of the dwarves called out, raising a pitcher. Which turned out to be the convincing argument, and the Spruitland Wabbits strode into The Golden Rune. Dwarves tightened up around the tables to make room for them.

“Ye best go slaughter a few more swine, Dwalin” someone said to the bartender, who was bringing over pitchers of ale.

“Perhaps we should stick to something non-alcoholic,” Cor Bensen suggested, causing a roar of dwarven laughter that continued for almost a full minute.

“That’s grand, laddie,” the dwarf nearest to Bensen said, slapping him on the shoulder. “We like folks with a sense of humor. Dwalin, next round’s on me!”

* * * * *

“…and so a sluggish, pale and damn-near-puking Spruitland team went down four to nil in Starblaydia, with two goals from Zhorin Tumunzahar, one from Itechton Matranga and one from Flo Zaragoza, bringing the Wabbits’ 11 game undefeated streak to an end, and making their first ever defeat a heavy one. We can only hope the Spruitland strikers can take an example from the Starblaydis, who have certainly shown them how to score, tonight…”

King Alfons ripped the radio speaker out of the door of the limousine and tossed it out the window. For the next five minutes he worked on the car’s upholstery until his temper was reduced to a sustainable level, then he grabbed the car phone and dialed a number.

“Backer, you miserable piece of donkey dung, you better have a damn good excuse or you’ll be retiring tomorrow for health reasons! And they won’t be faked, either!”

His Majesty listened to Backer’s stuttering explanation for a good two minutes without saying a word, then ripped another piece of upholstery from the car seat.

“Don’t wanna eat my peas, do they? Well, we’ll just see about that!”

Redemption in Garinas

The Pschychoes do what they couldn't on matchday one and win
Two very different sides from the ones that met to open qualification once again found themselves playing each other. The Garinese, who were full of enthusiasm, had gained some valuable experience, but also suffered from poor results despite good play and close games. Squornshelous has gotten back into the groove of winning football matches, but has had trouble with their attack from time to time. However, experience and skill won the day, and The Pschychoes' 76 years of footballing history served them well.
Squornshelous struck quickly this time, scoring in the 7th minute of play. Petr Skritsch stole the ball from a midfielder, and dribbled upfield, passing to Jorge Perez. Perez flipped the ball up over his shoulder and over the head of a Garinese defender. He then passed to Alexander Popov in the middle. Popov made a quick move and fired on goal, but the shot came back off the crossbar. While the sprawling keeper tried to figure out where the ball was, Skritsch trapped the wild rebound and fired toward the far side of the net. (keeper) spotted it too late and couldn't move in time to make the save.
After this quick score, many fans at the game and around the world thought that the Pschychoes would run away with it, but Garinas clamped down defensively the way they did in the first match, with no further scoring until late in the second half.
There were really very few chances until late in the match, with both defenses playing very aggressively, and the ball staying in midfield. It wasn't until the 80th minute that Squornshelous managed to put in an "insurance" marker. With only ten minutes remaining, both teams were tiring, with the exception of the strikers, who had little work to do. A long clearance came out to midifield from Sam Fletcher, and Brian Geurrero played it on the volley so that it bounced over the head of the nearest defender. He quickly took control of it and sped downfield at a speed the worn out Garinese just couldn't match, scoring from 20 meters.

Final Score:
Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
(none) (Geurrero 80, Skritsch 7)

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Geurerro: 4
Skritsch: 3
Perez: 2
Popov: 2
Orlov: 1
Zikov: 1

Group 6 Standings after Matchday 8:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 18 5 3 0 13:1 12
2. Fmjphoenix 18 6 0 2 12:3 9
3. Krytenia 16 4 4 0 9:0 9
4. Caprine States 10 3 1 4 7:7 0
5. Kipto-Mare 7 1 4 3 4:8 -4
6. Garinas 6 1 3 4 3:9 -6
7. Buben 6 1 3 4 4:11 -7
8. Milchama 5 1 2 5 2:15 -13


Up Next:
The home match against Fmjphoenix is next. It should be a close one, but expect the Pschychoes to remain unbeaten against this side. If Krytenia can pull of a win against their opponents, they'll probably jump into second.

Squornshleous' Qualifying Schedule:
wins losses draws
MD1: Squornshelous 0-0 Garinas Throckmorton Park, Androvela
MD2: Fmjphoenix 0-2 Squornshelous
MD3: Squornshelous 3-0 Caprine States Striterax Stadium, Striterax
MD4: Milchama 0-4 Squornshelous
MD5: Squornshelous 0-0 Krytenia Vogsphere Arena, Vogsphere
MD6: Kipto-Mare 1-2 Squornshelous
MD7: Squornshelous 0-0 Buben Bayside Park, Santraginus
MD8: Garinas 0-2 Squornshelous
MD9: Squornshelous vs Fmjphoenix SMV Centre, Kakrafoon
MD10: Caprine States vs Squornshelous
MD11: Squornshelous vs Milchama Weyland-Yutani Grounds, Stavromula
MD12: Krytenia vs Squornshelous
MD13: Squornshelous vs Kipto-Mare Damogran Colliseum, Damogran
MD14: Buben vs Squornshelous

"Right all you fantastic fanatical football fans," came the voice on the radio, "your resident radio god is now opening the phonelines for all your rants and raves about the World Cup so far. Good bad, but never indifferent, gimme your outrageous opinions on the world today. Oh look, we have a caller already. Greenie, is that you?"

"You know it, Johnny boy," the voice said.

Jaehaerys chuckled at the radio, that Greenie guy always rang up first. Jay turned his marshmallow over to toast the other side and continued listening.

"So, Greenie," Johnny continued, "what have you got to say to me today?"

"It's them Sarzonians," 'Greenie' said, not for the first time on Starblaydi radio, broadcast Region-wide to anyone foolish enough to tune in, "they're so bloody boring. World Champions? C'mon, gimme a break, my mum could have scored that third goal against Oaker four years ago, and she's got two left feet."

"C'mon, man," the host said, playing devil's advocate as per usual, "they're the World Champions, look at their record in the Qualifiers so far."

"World Champions?" Greenie was aghast. "They could only beat us one-nil in the Second Round, so Oaker would have been a walk in the Englander park for them. And look at the teams they're playing now: Druida, Hypocria, Chicanada, Raptor Claw are their closest rivals for fu-"

Jaehaerys chuckled as he tucked in to his roasted marshmallow.

"Aaaaand I think that's enough of Greenie," Johnny said, "can't have bad language from you little bastards on my show, now can we? Okay, now its Durin in Tabeck. Hi Durin, you're on the air."

"First of all, Johnny," the deep, fruity voice of the Dwarf didn't quite carry over the FM radio, but it was obvious nonetheless, "I wanna say thanks for having me, and that I totally agree with that Greenie bloke, Sarzonia have no class or imagination on the pitch whatsoever; they're almost as boring as watching Rejistania or Hockey Canada."

"So," Johnny said after a short puase, "what's your point?"

"That this 'Karela' thing is nonsense. I hate defensive football at the best of times, but I can't begin to imagine what it'll be like at the World Cup itself with all their mystical bolloc-"

"Thanks Durin in Tabeck," Johnny quickly said, cutting the Dwarf off, "let's hope they don't get wasted in the next Champions League they try and enter, the pricks. Dave from Nova Britannicus, what can I do for you?"

"Alright, Johnny, 'ow you doin'?"

Jay sighed slightly, immediately recognising the voice. Was Dave using their encrypted satellite phone to call a radio call-in show about football?

"I'm fine, Dave," Johnny said, irritated at the wasting of time, "what's your opinion?"

"These Spruitlanders were pretty appalling up until today, weren't they?" Dave chuckled. "I bet they've not been eating their greens."

"Dave?" Johnny asked, "What the fuck are you on about?"

"Well they've not 'ad their shootin' boots on, 'ave they?"

Jay got up and took a stroll behind the Humvee. Sure enough, Dave was on their encrypted satellite phone, calling a radio call-in show about football. Jay cleared his throat loudly.

"Aren't you going to say that En-Bee are right behind Starblaydia in Group One or something, and that we should watch our backs?"

"Uh, yeah. Starblaydia is shi-"

"Bye, Dave," Johnny said, cutting him off, "Now, Julio in Penningworth has something negative about Qualifying Group Eight, which is always good. Julio...?"