NationStates Jolt Archive

Esteemed delegates from Rejistania and Brazillico wish sporting nations the best of luck as they begin their conquest for the World Cup. We look forward to greeting the top 30 footballing nations in the NS world within our friendly frontiers to duke it out for the game's holy grail.

Qualification consists of ten matchdays, where the top two squads from each group of six will move on to the World Cup. The rules followed are those dictated by the World Cup Committee (WCC). Should a certain situation arise which has no written rule in the WCC rulebook, it will be left to the hosts' discretion and should come down to a ruling that follows most closely the FIFA Charter.

Again, Good Luck and Have Fun!

WCC Rules and Regulations (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=323682)
NationStates Football Links Page (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=321115)
WC16 Pre-RP Thread (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=342199)
WC16 Rosters (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=342242)
WC17 Signups (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=342231)

Qualification Groups

Group 1
015 Kaze Progressa
020 Gesamtkuntswerk
044 Dennisov
068 Oceaice (puppet of Crystilakere)
183 Kylaai
200 Fawcett City

Group 2
007 Europa Brittania
018 Oglethorpia
051 Magnus Valerius
053 EL CID THE HERO
170 Bluesonia
200 Artoonia

Group 3
012 Snub Nose 38
028 Svecia
041 Melmond
059 Oaker
156 HypercapitaliZm (puppet of Commerce Heights)
200 Cirdanistan

Group 4
002 Bedistan
030 Halfassedstates
037 Aquilla
060 Ineptia
136 Anitram (puppet of Raptor Claw)
200 ASSKICKEN

Group 5
017 One Red Dot
021 Mattigool
047 Kerla
071 Larkinia
090 Tasty Toast
200 Zangara

Group 6
009 Audioslavia
033 Vilita
050 Raptor Claw
063 The Redavic Union
194 Hazlia
200 Adrasuvare

Group 7
010 Lemmitania
031 The Lowland Clans
039 Oddslavo (puppet of Liverpool England)
068 The Evil Umpire (puppet of Melmond)
170 Taokoualu
200 Terenia

Group 8
016 Liverpool England
019 Spaam
038 The Weegies
086 Lykaia
140 Northbank (puppet of Krytenia)
200 Johhny Big Pants

Group 9
013 Tanah Burung
024 Lovisa
040 Jeruselem
073 Sarzonia
194 New Cyprus
200 Minas Trith

Group 10
014 Total n Utter Insanity
026 The Belmore Family
042 Ravenspire
055 Turnia
178 Ruslana
200 West Pacific

Group 11
001 Eauz
027 NEWI Cefn Druids
048 Creedence Clearwater
061 Avenging Altos (puppet of Kaze Progressa)
093 Ebon Hawk
200 Nominaen

Group 12
011 Squornshelous
029 Nikea
034 NASTIC 2
064 Krytenia
160 The Water Cooler
200 The Gulf States

Group 13
005 Kingsford
025 Giant Zucchini
045 Wella
054 Turori (puppet of Vilita)
130 Dead Man
200 Largemanistan

Group 14
004 Commerce Heights
022 Cockbill Street
035 Iansisle
057 Starblaydia
161 Slaikau
200 Soccer Hooliganism

Group 15
003 The Eagles Nest
032 Tadjikistan
043 Crystilakere
065 Haperd
103 Spurland
200 Loonyvania

Qualification Fixtures
Matchday 1
6 v 1
5 v 2
4 v 3

Matchday 2
4 v 6
2 v 1
3 v 5

Matchday 3
6 v 2
1 v 3
5 v 4

Matchday 4
5 v 6
4 v 1
2 v 3

Matchday 5
6 v 3
1 v 5
4 v 2

*Matchdays 6-10 will be 1 through 5 in reverse. Also -- the team on the left is home, and logically, the right is away.

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Oglethorpian football; too violent?
The Bureaucratic States FA raises concern over the modern game

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Div. 1 football goes "soft"
BSFA approves iniative to force players in padded uniforms

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- In a landmark move by the Bureaucratic States Football Association, the recent Iniative 213A has mandated the use of padded uniforms in all Oglethorpian football. First an issue brought up weeks ago when an increased amount of violence was observed in recent Division 1 matches, it has finally been addressed by an executive decision made by BSFA President Mel Green, who rationalized it like this; "we could either have a violent version of the game, and end up with all injured players. A starting eleven of all substitutes would be boring...no offense to the substitutes, but that's the truth. We have to keep the players safe, and this is how we do it. So the fans at home actually have something to watch."

Critics were quick to point out that a difference between the domestic game and the international game would result in an Oglethorpian World Cup squad acclimated to a wholly different version of the game, speculating that it would hurt Oglethorpian preformance in World Cup 16.

Die-hard fans were quick to point out, "would a drop in preformance really be that much of a change for Oglethorpia?"

Botox, not the devil
Lack of player aging sparks debate

By Dwight Hamilton

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- When the Oglethorpian World Cup 16 roster was released just weeks ago, critics were quick to point out no changes had been made at all -- not even in the age of the starting eleven and manager Pancrazio Black. The National Inquisitor was quick to spread rumors that the squad had failed to age a day since World Cup 15 due to a recent pact with the devil struck by BSFA President Mel Green.

"Wholly untrue," Green said in a press conference only days later. "It was the result of widespread and copious application of botox injections on the whole team. So much botox, that it has tranquilized the aging process -- explaining why they have not gotten any older since the conclusion of World Cup 15."

It remains to be seen if the massive use of botox on the Oglethorpian World Cup squad will adversely effect the team's ability to play football on behalf of their country.

Group 9
013 Tanah Burung
024 Lovisa
040 Jeruselem
073 Sarzonia
194 New Cyprus
200 Minas Trith


Sarzonian national team coach Bryan Marshall looked at the draw for the Stars, as the team was announced in Group 9.

"That's going to be one heck of a challenge," Marshall said. "Tanah Burung and Lovisa are both in the top 25 of the nations competing in this World Cup, and Jeruselem is going to be a major test right away. We are definitely going to have our work cut out for us."

When a reporter asked Marshall to comment about New Cyprus and Minas Trith being rated 194 and 200 respectively, Marshall immediately dismissed the comment with a curt, "So?"

"They're still competing in this Cup and the thing you learn is that anything's possible on match day." Marshall also pointed out that the Stars' closest match of their six match dominance of the Baptism of Fire Cup came against Ruslana, a team that lost all three of its qualifying matches in Group B.

"We had our best matches against the best competition in that Cup," Marshall said. "However, we need to develop more consistency. We can't afford to struggle against teams we should beat and hope to get lucky against a better side."

The team began a spirited practice session leading up to the World Cup debut, a development that shocked longtime observers of the team.

"Normally, Coach has to get in their face to get them to do something," assistant coach Barry Owens, who played on the first AOCAF tournament team said. "This time, the team is practicing like they've got something to prove.

"That's the kind of attitude we want our lads to bring to the table. We're facing some quality competition in this World Cup and for us to advance, we're going to have to play outstanding football."

"It's going to be a test; we're going to have 10 matches to prove ourselves," team captain Bobby Convey said.

The team pointed the AOCAF semifinals match against the Vilita Jungle Cats as the turning point for the team, which brings a record of eight wins, one draw and two losses into the World Cup.

"Going into that match, we were a ragtag bunch of players that were in awe of being on that stage," forward Brian Wilson said. "We thought we might be able to keep the score respectable and maybe learn something from it, but when we lost in extra time and it hurt, that's when we stopped being a bunch of footballers thrown together and we started being a real national team."

That 1-0 loss in extra time was the last time the Stars lost a match. They are currently riding a seven match winning streak and won the Baptism of Fire Cup. They have outscored opponents 20-3 in those seven matches.

"We just seem to have become a much better football team since the three [qualifying] matches," defender Mike Coyle said. "Beating Crystilakere was great, but it could have been a smoke-and-mirrors result. Nearly beating Vilita let us know we belonged on the world stage. We became a much stronger team after that loss."

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/logo.gif

Jungle Cats drawn in Group 6


Group 6 Team Profiles & Projected Finishing Postions:
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/rp/bar.gif

1>> http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/audioslavia.jpg Audioslavia
Audioslavia is one of 4 Nations in the Group that Vilita have never faced on any level of Internationstatal competition. However, The Slaves were tipped by Vilitan manager Helmut Vilkaus to go all the way in World Cup 14. Unfortunately for Audioslavia, Vilkaus was not accurate in his predictions, and the Slaves missed out again. The Two matches against the Jungle Cats should be Audioslavias only real test before heading to the finals in Rejistania & Brazillico

2 >>http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/vilita.jpg Vilita ::
Santo Kecker will again lead the Jungle Cats in their quest to qualify for the World Cup finals for the second consecutive time. Some new faces have begun to step into the spotlight, however Massimo Corsi is expected to retain his position in Net. The Jungle Cats will be looking to improve on their Last Place effort in last seasons World Cup Finals.

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3>> http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/raptor_claw.jpg Raptor Claw
Raptor Claw is the only team in the group that any Jungle Cat side has ever come up against, and both of the two meetings came during the most recent u21 World Championships. During the Group Stage, Raptor Claw and Vilita u21 fought out a 4-4 Draw, which sent both sides crashing out at the first hurdle. To make up for the lack of matches, the two sides faced off once again in a friendly, with the Jungle Cats coming out easy 5-0 victors.

4>> http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/redavicflag.jpg The Redavic Union
While the Jungle Cats have never met TRU on the sporting stage, the Two Nations were briefly aligned politically when the search for a new Mayan Delegate began. The brief period was certainly that, and no effects of this are expected during the two matches between the sides.

5>> http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/estonia--68.jpg Adrasuvare
While nothing is known of this side, It is expected that they will have their act together and their Kits clean when they step out onto the Vilitan pitch for the first time on Matchday 8. Residents of the FIFA Region, where the World Cup Finals will be hosted, there is likely to be a decent bit of talent in the Adrasuvare lineup.

6>> http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/qatar--54.jpg Hazlia
Hazlia is a nation that many expect to be competing for the Wooden Spoon in this years Qualifying. With the exception of the match against the Dark Horse Adrasuvare, Hazlia are not expected to even come close to gaining a single point in their other 8 matches.


Vilitan Match Venues for WC16 Qualifying:
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/rp/bar.gif

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/wc16/stads16.gif

Matches & Venues:

M01:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia
M02:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare
M04:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

Tadjikistan and Its opponents

Triandafillov sais: We must qualify!


Group 15
003 The Eagles Nest
032 Tadjikistan
043 Crystilakere
065 Haperd
103 Spurland
200 Loonyvania


Dushanbe - It was every late in the evening, when the Federation heard that the Tigers would start in Group 15, the last group of them all. Only one of the other teams had a name that sounded the most familiar; The Eagle's Nest, Whom Tadjikistan lost from in the 2nd round of WC15. Not a surprise as they are currently the nr 3 of the World. The rest of the group is completely new to us and only Crystalikere seems to pose a real threat.

Coach Triandafillov was quite content with this group yet he wasnt really happy;"TEN will be a hard nut to crack, but we can beat all the others. Second place in the group is a very realistic outcome, it would be a disaster for the team and the fans if we did not qualify." Much is expected from the Tigers and it would indeed be a major setback if we didnt qualify.

The first match will be in and against Spurland, nr 103 on the World Ranking list, The Tigers never met this nation before on a footballfield, but former Tigers coach Ion Yakir doesnt think they can pose a threat:"Offcourse we should win, This team is ranked about 70 places lower then us. Even while we we play away, we should still go home with 3 points." Coach Triandafillov was more worried;"These teams that we've never met before are usually dangerous because we underestimate their capabilities. Or should i remind you of the WC13 qualification where we stole points from those bigger teams?" We'll soon know how strong Spurland really is. we do hope Yakir is right and we get the 3 points.

Tadjikistans list of matches:
MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

Group 12
011 Squornshelous
029 Nikea
034 NASTIC 2
064 Krytenia
160 The Water Cooler
200 The Gulf States

New boss Karim Isserson dropped his jaw when he saw the groups.

"How the slani hell are we going to qualify from that?!?"

Here's how, Karim.....get more points than four of the other teams.

v NASTIC 2 (Green Street, Elliston)
v The Gulf States (Tribeca Park, Remires)
@ The Water Cooler
v Squornshelous (Atterbrook Way, Westleigh)
v Nikea (People's Stadium, Avid-Diord)
@ NASTIC 2
@ Nikea
v The Water Cooler (Republican, Selyer)
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

tag/RP coming

Daily Kangaroo analysis of WC16 qualifiers

The infamous 'Summer of Jolting' has ended, but the impact has been to dissuade certain nations from the World Cup. Two top-16 nations are missing from this tournament, along with 23rd-ranked Progressan neighbour Dance 2 Revolution and several other big names.

But the result has been to shrink qualifying to the old classic format of 15 groups of 6, last used in World Cup 8. That time, the Progressans were nobodies, ranked out of the top 75 in the world; now, they are 15th, top seeds in Group 1, and have made six the seven intervening Cups. They're seen by some as virtually certain to make that seven out of eight, but it won't be easy.

Gesamtkuntswerk are the obvious dangers, ranked just five places below them and the only team to get a result out of the Progressans in the group phase of World Cup 15 (though admittedly the Progressans were already through and only needed a draw to top their group). But with two teams qualifying from each group, it will take a strong performance from one of the other four teams to leave the Progressans missing a chance to play in neighbours Rejistania once again, as they did in WC13. The only team who look remotely capable of such a spoiler are Dennisov, a side who sensationally won World Cup 4 but have never matched that astonishing performance and are now best known for their ice hockey success. They have never lost to the Progressans in any sport, but most expect that quirk of history to end in the Progressair Stadium on the third day of qualification. The group is completed by emerging Crystalikere colony Oceaice and first-time entrants Kylaai and Fawcett City, the latter two certainly seen as cannon fodder.

In the other groups, in spite of fewer teams in each group several intriguing rivalries have been thrown up. Three battles stand out: Total n Utter Insanity meet The Belmore Family in Group 10, Bedistan battle Aquilla in Group 4 and Svecia meet Melmond in Group 3. The Progressan singers' colony Avenging Altos meet top-ranked Eauz and suddenly-surgent NEWI Cefn Druids in Group 11, and are seen as no-hopers; perhaps the closest group will be Group 14, where even defending champions Commerce Heights are not safe from the fast-rising stars of Starblaydia, the solid Cockbill Street and perennial nearly-men Iansisle.

Our tips for qualification:

GROUP 1: Kaze Progressa and Gesamtkuntswerk
GROUP 2: Europa Brittania and Oglethorpia
GROUP 3: Snub Nose 38 and Melmond
GROUP 4: Bedistan and Halfassedstates
GROUP 5: One Red Dot and Mattigool
GROUP 6: Audioslavia and Vilita
GROUP 7: Lemmitania and The Lowland Clans
GROUP 8: Liverpool England and Spaam
GROUP 9: Tanah Burung and Jerusalem
GROUP 10: Total n Utter Insanity and The Belmore Family
GROUP 11: Eauz and NEWI Cefn Druids
GROUP 12: Squornshelous and Nikea
GROUP 13: Kingsford and Giant Zucchini
GROUP 14: Commerce Heights and Iansisle
GROUP 15: The Eagles Nest and Tadjikistan

NEWSFLASH:

Giant Zucchini has been placed in Group 13 of World Cup 16 Qualifying. Also in this group are 5th seed Kingsford as well as Wella who put a dent in the Zucchinis' World Cup 14 campaign. Giant Zucchini face off first against Dead Man, and will hope to reverse a 5-3 thrashing given to them way back in World Cup 2. "Oh, I remember the day," says star striker Urk. "Oog was injured, and we gave away some sloppy penalties." Of course, that was a long time ago, while the Zucchinis were building the squad that would eventually lift the 3rd World Cup. Since those glory days, the Zucchinis have been on a slow but steady decline. "We need to build ourselves up again. Perhaps an influx of young players will do us good. But I'll leave that decision to the coach." Mr Hurr has been coaching the Giant Zucchini National Team since its inception, and he has tasted the highs of winning the World Cup to the lows of failing to qualify by goal difference in the playoffs in World Cup 6. He says, "I think we still have it in us to make it on the big stage. The most important thing is that we do not lose hope."

Statistics:
Kingsford (5)
W-D-L: 0-1-0
WC 11: 1-1

Wella (45)
W-D-L: 1-0-1
WC 14 QF: 1-0, 1-3

Turori (54)
W-D-L: 0-0-0

Dead Man (130)
W-D-L: 0-0-1
WC 2: 3-5

Largemanistan
W-D-L: 0-0-0


In other news, the Giant Zucchini Broadcasting Corporation has received lots of flak for broadcasting "crap" in last season's campaign. The supposed sequel to the blockbuster series The Green Mile, Return of the Zucchinis failed to get off the ground. The series collapsed after just 5 episodes. GZBC will resume this season with their traditional World Cup coverage.

ASNN - World Cup Groups drawn

GRAHAM CITY - With hosts Brazillico releasing the qualifying groups released, many in the Allied States were very nervous after the last two cup disasters, but many were relivied, with the biggest competition for qualifying being Oddslavo, who were handily defeated by the Stars several cups ago.

Group 7
010 Lemmitania
031 The Lowland Clans
039 Oddslavo (puppet of Liverpool England)
068 The Evil Umpire (puppet of Melmond)
170 Taokoualu
200 Terenia

Predicted Group Finish
010 Lemmitania
031 The Lowland Clans
039 Oddslavo
170 Taokoualu
200 Terenia
068 The Evil Umpire

Starblaydia to meet World Champions
Group 14 looks tough but not impossible for perennial Dark Horses

Starblaydia were today drawn in Group 14 of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers and will face the World Champions, Commerce Heights. Starblaydia, who have literally halved their rank at the last World Cup from 116 to just 57, need to overcome more than thirty rank positions to be qualification candidates on paper.

Useful Starblaydia Links:
Starblaydia's WC16 Roster (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=6609253&postcount=3)
Pre-Cup News (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=6609127&postcount=9)

Here's the Group 14 rundown in full...

Commerce Heights (4)
http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/CH.jpg
The Current World Champions, nothing else is really needed to be said for this nation, one of the richest in World Football. Expect them to qualify from this group first, and with consummate ease.

Cockbill Street (22)
http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/guernsey.jpg
Hosts of the recent International Recreation Tournament, in which Starblaydia finished bottom with no points and without scoring a goal, the Street are expected to take the second of the two available qualification spots, if all goes to plan.

Iansisle (35)
http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/iansisle.jpg
Starblaydi Ice Hockey fans will know that Iansisle are no match for Starblaydia's finest on the ice rink with a puck, but on grass with a round ball the reality could be quite different. They are the very first hurdle Starblaydia must overcome in the opening match. A defeat here will mean a blow to Starblaydi hopes of leaping up the table and will also continue the horrid record of losing the opening match of each and every tournament they've played in.

Starblaydia (57)
http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/starblaydia.jpg
Dark horses in the Under-21s, Cup of Harmony, IRC and World Cup for the second time, Starblaydia are looking to qualify at their second attempt. The Blades' ageing veterans are joined by young, hopeful debutants to drive Starblaydia ownwards and upwards. Any position worse than 4th in this group will be a sham of a mockery of a performance, better than fourth will be a triumph, while qualification wil mean ecstasy and incredulity.

Slaikau (161)
http://www.starblaydestudios.co.uk/Images/Slai.jpg
A team and nation unknown to almost all Starblaydis, the Slaikau matches should be approached carefully but without fear. If Starblaydia are not in a fantastic position after the final home game against Slaikau, then the last two matches away to Commerece Heights and Cockbill Street may well prove a fruitless excercise in attempted qualification.

Soccer Hooliganism (200)
http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/isle_of_man.jpg
Notorius for off-field activites, there are more than a few Starblaydis willing to better them off the field as well as on. Security will be tight at these games, for sure, though two wins from two are expected.

Venues for World Cup 16 Qualifying Matches:
MD1: Iansisle - Iota "Big Eye" Arena (85,000)
Home of northern-most team Penningworth United, the Iota "Big-Eye" Arena seats 85,000 in luxurious surroundings, with a sliding roof and delicate silver archways.
MD2: Soccer Hooliganism - Victory Park (48,000)
With Starblaydia's inspirational Captain and noteable last-chance hero Ryan Garry playing at Victory Park every week, there's no way that this 48,000 seater stadium could be missed off the list.
MD3: Slaikau - Venue TBC
MD4: Commerce Heights - Jader Barbalho Stadium (94,000)
Jhanna City's modern Jader Barbalho Stadium, with its 94,000 capacity, is the biggest in the country and perfect to fit in every fan who wants to see the World Champions in action in Starblaydia's bustling capital of Jhanna.
MD5: Cockbill Street - Foundation Road (75,000)
Home of newly-crowned Champions Iskara Daii, this district of Jhanna will see fervent football fans wanted revenge over the Street for the IRC humblings.
MD6: Iansisle - Venue TBC
MD7: Soccer Hooliganism - Venue TBC
MD8: Slaikau - Silverlands (55,000)
Corinthian Spirits' 55,000 all-seater gives off a very intimidating atmosphere, with the crowd right at the edge of the pitch all the way round the stadium. Low sloping roofs amplify the sound and help project it onto the pitch, creating the loudest stadium in the country.
MD9: Commerce Heights - Venue TBC
MD10: Cockbill Street - Venue TBC

Comments and Analysis from Guylain N'Dumbu-Nsungu, retired Starblaydi Striker (3 international goals)
"This Group represents a big test for us, we have to play the World Champs, of course. My heart hopes we have the quality to turn this group on its head and qualify, but my head says we haven't. We absolutely must take as close to 12 points from the four matches against the two lower-ranked teams as we can to stand a chance. Then we have to take our chances again Cockbill Street and Iansisle, then we'll see where we end up.

"I expect us to finish third or, more likely, fourth. But then again I never expected to be picked for the national team, and look where that got me."

Guylain's Final Group Table Prediciton
1st Commerce Heights
2nd Cockbill Street
=================
3rd Starblaydia
4th Iansisle
5th Slaikau
6th Soccer Hooliganism

Le LIBRE

World Cup XVI Preview

World Cup XVI will be hosted in Rejistania and Brazillico. For the 3rd straight WC competition, the cup will be played in at least one Emerald Heights country. Last Evening the 15 groups were drawn placing number 1 ranked in the world Eauz in group 11. Below is a list of group 11.


Group 11
001 Eauz
027 NEWI Cefn Druids
048 Creedence Clearwater
061 Avenging Altos (puppet of Kaze Progressa)
093 Ebon Hawk
200 Nominaen


As for the groups, Les Bleus get placed in with a few rivals of the past along with a few unknown teams and newbie’s.

The NEWI Cefn Druids are the most well known to Les Bleus, as they just recently played them in a world cup competition which saw Les Bleus advance 2 – 1. The Druids will be looking for revenge on Les Bleus, hoping to keep them out of qualification.

The Creedence Clearwater team has given Les Bleus trouble in the past and could prove to be the downfall of Les Bleus if they do not qualify for this cup. CC could take both matches, as they seem to have the number of Les Bleus, and added that Les Bleus are a whole new inexperienced team.

As for the other 3 teams, they are mostly unknown to Les Bleus. Though Les Bleus should not take them easily, for many times in the past have newbie and unknown teams beat Les Bleus.

Predictions

One of the Eauz Officials:
*Because of Paranoia that Rejis/Braz rig the cup!

Group 11
027 NEWI Cefn Druids
048 Creedence Clearwater
061 Avenging Altos (puppet of Kaze Progressa)
093 Ebon Hawk
200 Nominaen
001 Eauz

Karl Marx

1st : Communism
2nd: No one
3rd : No one
Always Last Place: Petty Bourgeoisies


Le Libre:

Group 11
027 NEWI Cefn Druids
001 Eauz
048 Creedence Clearwater
093 Ebon Hawk
061 Avenging Altos (puppet of Kaze Progressa)
200 Nominaen


World Cup Qualification Schedule

Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Ebon Hawks

Jeruselem Government News

Crusaders draw Group 9 with some old friends

Jeruselem have drawn Group 9 in the World Cup XVI. Old friends Tanah Burung (Christian ally) and Lovisa (WC XI) lead the rankings with familar face New Cyprus and relative unknown (to us) Sarzonia. Minas Trith are also in.

Group 9
013 Tanah Burung
024 Lovisa
040 Jeruselem
073 Sarzonia
194 New Cyprus
200 Minas Trith

The Daily Druid

NEW MANAGERS HOPEFUL FOR QUALIFIERS
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on the draw for WCXVI Qualifying

After hearing the draw for the World Cup 16 qualifiers, Druid managers Trevor Kallins and Simon Greaves appeared to be confident about progressing to the finals, despite their poor records against the other teams in their group.

"Eauz beat us in the last world cup," Kallins told us after being officially released by his club, Herald F.C. of Giant Zucchini, to take his new post full time, "and there's a few bad memories I have of playing Creedence Clearwater twenty years ago, though I doubt they'll have any of the same guys in hte team now."

"Didn't the Altos do well against us in one campaign, too?" Greaves butted in.

"Probably. Most teams we played did. Luckily, the lads we've got now are a bit better than the team we were part of, and usually have a little more luck go their way. Hopefully, if all the lads play to their full potential, they will get to the finals easily, probably with Eauz."

However, when asked to do a prediction for how the group would finish, Kallins declined. But myself and my Daily Druid colleagues offered these predictions.



Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin

1) Eauz
2) Creedence Clearwater
3) Avenging Altos
4) NEWI Cefn Druids
5) Nominaen
6) Ebon Hawk

Druids record: W3 D2 L5 Pts11


Ian Question-Mark

1) Eauz
2) Creedence Clearwater
3) NEWI Cefn Druids
4) Ebon Hawk
5) Avenging Altos
6) Nominaen

Druids record: W4 D3 L3 Pts15


Björn-Trevor Frederiksson

1) NEWI Cefn Druids
2) Eauz
3) Ebon Hawk
4) Avenging Altos
5) Nominaen
6) Creedence Clearwater (still haven't forgiven them for WC11)

Druids record: W8 D2 L0 Pts26

Still to come...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids v Eauz
Matchday 3: Nominaen v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids v Creedence Cleawater
Matchday 5: Avenging Altos v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids v Ebon Hawk
Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

ANOTHER CUP OF HARMONY?
Group 3 placement looks strikingly similar to Cup of Harmony placement

- Oaker, Melmond, Svecia, Raptor Claw. The fabled Cup of Harmony group that screwed Svecia out of a top eight finish. Now: Oaker, Melmond, Svecia, Snub Nose. Could this be a repeat of the CoH? Luckily, Svecia has an advantage over much of this group aside from the low ranking of HypercapitaliZm and Cirdanistan. Here's a brief overview:

HypercapitaliZm and Cirdanistan both have low rankings but everyone knows that there's always the possibility of an upset there.

Oaker played well during the two meetings between them and the Lightning during the last CoH, but couldn't get over the 1-0 hump Svecia won by both times.

Melmond is a growing power after defeating Svecia 2-0 in the Harmony match. As a friendly rival, the Lightning matches against the Fearless Farmers always draw good, unruly crowds.

Snub Nose 38 has the highest ranking of the group, but this means absolutely nothing. Not much is known about this side as they have never met the Lightning on the pitch.

The Lightning are looking sharp this cup as they have unveiled new uniforms that are completely orange. The look is blinding, and the stadium will be draped in bright orange now instead of the usual bright yellow.


Group 3
012 Snub Nose 38
028 Svecia
041 Melmond
059 Oaker
156 HypercapitaliZm (puppet of Commerce Heights)
200 Cirdanistan

The Red Dot Controversialia - Bonus World Cup Pullout Special

The World Cup returns for the 16th time to push national teams - veteran or otherwise - into the spotlight of fame and er...more fame as they are projected into the lush green fields of rioting spectators, unfair referees and dubious decisions by the powers that be - randomly-generated or otherwise.

The One Red Dot Wolves have returned to battle the unnatural elements for the 12th time. Under the KPB Ranking System, the Wolves are placed 17th, and for the first time higher than Giant Zucchini (Isn't regional rivalry, fun?)!

ORD has been dumped to play against five other nations in Group 5, in a bid to secure one of two places to enter the Cup proper.

The opponents are:
#200 Zangara - No Play Records - MD1 (Away), MD6 (Gweridijong City Stadium)
#21 Mattigool - No Play Records - MD2 (Royal Red Dot National Stadium), MD7 (Away)
#47 Kerla - WC12 Third Playoffs, Records Lost - MD3 (Away), MD8 (Royal Burrington Stadium)
#71 Larkinia - No Play Records - MD4 (Hawklands Stadium), MD9 (Away)
#90 Tasty Toast - No Play Records - MD5 (Away), MD10 (Royal Red Dot National Stadium)

Predictions as of Pre-Qualifiers: One Red Dot and Mattigool to proceed.

State of Football in Melmond
Generation 1.5….the Under-a-Cheevers!
By Henry Kalangalangalang of the Melmond City Herald to the NationStates Football World

It twas certainly a heartbreaking finish to the first generation of Melmond football. The Melmond National Team barely missed making it to their first World Cup, meaning that many sentimental favorites and the grandfather of Melmond football Felix Coostatlawak will never get a taste of the biggest stage in the world. Also, the hosting bid with Commerce Heights did not win as Rejistania and Brazillico won the right to host World Cup 16. Melmond did get their second Cup of Harmony and disappointed people as they stumbled against Raptor Claw which led them into having to play eventual champions Cockbill Street in the first placing round match. They played them hard but lost by a fluke goal. If a couple things bounced their way Melmond could have very well won their second Cup of Harmony. However, the first generation played their last game, a 3-1 domination of respected side Iansisle.
There certainly was good news on the domestic front as the game is really getting more popular than ever thanks to the power of homegrown stars like goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm and striker Chris Owen as well as some popular imports like Cockbill Street striker Rikki Stone and The Lowland Clans striker Chee Blackwing. Also, Melmond now hosts an elimination tournament in which some of the top club teams around the world participate in an all-or-nothing tournament. All this popularity led to plans for the Melmond Premier League to expand two more clubs as the cities of Wzzknfs Hnyd and Bezrukova are getting MPL clubs. A stadium is also going to be built in Wzzknfs Hnyd to accommodate the new coming side.
As for the National Team, they are setting aside the moniker “Fearless Farmers.” For their disappointments, the Melmond National Team will try to earn that moniker back. In order to do that, they must qualify for the World Cup. For now, they have the unfortunate moniker of “Under-a-Cheevers.” It truly is a clever name as the new Melmond manager is former Dennisov goalkeeper Gerry Cheevers. Cheevers will try to bring his uncanny sense of harmony to the Melmond side by using his Zen principles. His formation is a Zen version of the Felix Coostatlwak 4-4-2. It called the 4-3-1-2 Triangle. The idea behind it is that the Melmond coaching talent is in the defence with Cheevers being an excellent goalkeeper with Dennisov and assistant manager David Bixler being a defensive midfielder. So Cheevers decided to apply the harmony on the offensive side. The formation should look like this….

Xtfuinxm

Torrini Ortiz Ch. Unne Strachan

Otsjx Zoulthane Antunez

Cr. Unne

Owen Leeb


The special thing about the 4-3-1-2 triangle is the position called the point, the one who monitors the harmony of the offence. That lofty task was given to someone very worthy of the opportunity, superstar Critandi Unne. As you can see, Critandi Unne is the point of the triangles made between the three midfielders and the two strikers.
Anyway this team is also called generation 1.5, as some first generation Melmond National Team players remain, but one can see fresh blood being infused into the side with such outstanding young players like defender Charles Unne and Trav Strachan. Many promising young players are on the bench like midfielders Alfred Smith and Peeko Noodleschlausen. Also some veterans have made the team for the first time like midfielders Fwynj Otsjx and Andrew Gore. This will certainly be an interesting year as hopes are not as high as they were for the “team of destiny (to flop and disappoint us).” However, the players feel great pressure to remove the moniker of Under-a-Cheevers away from the national team along with the colors of white and loser red.

Strike Birds Ready for Cup
TEN Returns to Qualification After Controvercial Cup Hosting

Eagles Nest FA -

The Strike Birds of the Eagle's Nest ranked, number 3 in the world, were chosen into Group 15, with a few familiar names, and a few unknowns, but as it has been said many times, unknowns tend to impact the Cup more often than not, as a tie or a loss not expected can crash a team's drive to win a cup.


Group 15
003 The Eagles Nest
032 Tadjikistan
043 Crystilakere
065 Haperd
103 Spurland
200 Loonyvania


The Eagle's Nest on paper should have an easy time with many in this group, but rumblings abound that these teams may be better than expected.

Coach Adams in his first Press Conference:

"Look, Coach Aefnen always told us that you have to play like you are playing the number 1 team in the world every game, or else you may not perform to the best of your ability. I plan to keep that mantra on this cup run. Never underestimate any opponent, even thouse you know nothing about.

We play 3 of our first 5 games away. If we can hold serve at home, and steal a win or two out of those three away games, we will be in great shape. It's time for the rabid Birds fans to come out and support us, just like they always have."

The Eagle's Nest FA was also reportedly happy that the co hosts have stated how tiebreakers will be done and reaffirmed the host's ability to resolve issues when the WCC has not delineated it. Of course this was heard off the record at a drunken party for someone's bar mitzvah. Rumors abound what pictures the Nest Tribune is holding over various government officials truly show.

TEN Tribune Predictions:

We feel that the Strike Birds should go through, whether they win or come in second depends on the strength of btoh Tadjikistan and Crystilakare against the Birds and against each other. We feel whoever wins the series between Tadjikistan and Crystilakare will take the second qualifying slot with the Birds.

SO, we will go out on a limb here.....


1. TEN
2. Tadikistan
--------------
3. Crystilakre (loses out on tiebrekaers)
4. Spurland
5. Haperd
6. Looneyvania



The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland

The Nàstic Times
World cup XVI

The draw today has paired up the Nàstic nation in the following group.
Group 12
011 Squornshelous
029 Nikea
034 NASTIC 2
064 Krytenia
160 The Water Cooler
200 The Gulf States

Krytenia v NASTIC
NASTIC v The Water Cooler
Squornshelous v NASTIC
Nikea v NASTIC
The Gulf States v NASTIC

NASTIC v Krytenia
The Water Cooler v NASTIC
NASTIC v Squornshelous
NASTIC v Nikea
NASTIC v The Gulf States

This leaves Nàstic™ with 4 of their final 5 games at home and the 5th game is virtually home as they play The watercooler who are in the same region as Nàstic™.

Strange but true.

Audioslavia's WCXVI Qualifying Fixtures

Adrasuvare - Audioslavia
Vilita - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - Raptor Claw
The Redavic Union - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - Hazlia
Audioslavia - Adrasuvare
Audioslavia - Vilita
Raptor Claw - Audioslavia
Audioslavia - The Redavic Union
Hazlia - Audioslavia

Paul Ward spoke out today on Audioslavia's chances

"The first game against Vilita will be a toughie, and we'll work towards getting a point from that match, The games against Raptor Claw and The Redavic Union could also be bananaskins for us, Raptor played really well last time out and TRU are no pushovers. I'd be surprised if we cant beat Hazlia and Adrasuwhatsit home and away though, we're aiming at getting about fourteen points from the first seven games, so thats at least four wins. The last four will be the most difficult i reckon, but im sure we can make it through"

Thanks for that Paul, now fuck off

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches

Eauz suck mostestness
33% Eauz
21% Spaam
18% Audioslavia
17% Kingsford
8% Europa Brittania
3% Oglethorpia
Amazingly Ogle have dropped to least hated in the latest poll, with lucky corrupt cheating commies Eauz now commanding a dominate lead over the nancy male-shes of Spaam. WC16 is just around the corner, but most Insanicians would rather watch the new paint drying championships in NEWI.

Liverpool England Daily
Sports

World Cup Qualifying Groups Drawn
Group 8
016 Liverpool England
019 Spaam
038 The Weegies
086 Lykaia
140 Northbank (puppet of Krytenia)
200 Johhny Big Pants

Liverpool England, top seed in its qualifying group, have been placed up against Spaam, The Weegies, and three relative unknowns, although Northbank are known in Liverpool England due to the recent Baptism of Fire Cup cohosted by the nation.

Fixture List:
Qualification Fixtures
Matchday 1
Johhny Big Pants (Rank 200, Away)

Matchday 2
Spaam (Rank 19, Away)

Matchday 3
The Weegies (Rank 38, Home @ National Stadium)

Matchday 4
Lykaia (Rank 86, Away)

Matchday 5
Northbank (Rank 140, Home @ Grover's Park)

Matchday 6
Johhny Big Pants (Home @ Waterway Stadium)

Matchday 7
Spaam (Home @ National Stadium)

Matchday 8
The Weegies (Away)

Matchday 9
Lykaia (Home @ Oddslavo National)

Matchday 10
Northbank (Away)

Expert Predictions:
Josh Hinar, LEINN sports expert
Qualification Group 8:
Q1 Liverpool England
Q2 Spaam
03 The Weegies
04 Northbank (puppet of Krytenia)
05 Lykaia
06 Johhny Big Pants

Refa Griddo, Liverpool England Daily editor
Q1 Spaam
Q2 The Weegies
03 Northbank
04 Liverpool England
05 Lykaia
06 Johhny Big Pants

Ha~e Hangila, Liverpool England coach
Q1 Spaam
Q2 Liverpool England
03 Northbank
04 The Weegies
05 Johhny Big Pants
06 Lykaia

Oglegate

The Time: World Cup 14
The Place: Amalgamated Stadium, Oglethorpia
The Match: Semi-Final; Total n Utter Insanity vs Kingsford

Billy Gatekeeper: You join us here in extra time with the score tied at 2 all.

Donny Trumpson: Kingsford have been playing some wonderful football tonight, taking the lead twice. If things had gone differently in the first half, Kingsford could have easily taken the match.

Billy Gatekeeper: But right now it’s anybodies game to join those crazy Rejis’tanians

Donny Trumpson: Yeah, the Rejis’tanians came off top in the battle of the defending champs and previous defending champs.

Billy Gatekeeper: It seems like we have been talking forever, but it’s only been 119 minutes. Looks like we are headed to penalties as the Insanicians go on what must be their final attack.

Donny Trumpson: GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Billy Gatekeeper: The Insanicians just made their first final in…

Donny Trumpson: Forever.

End of Part 1

One might think that sending a football team to the World Cup whilst in the middle of a Revolution wasn’t such a brilliant idea. Some people also didn’t work as the Director of Sports, Games, and Recreation! Sir Gregory Penns-McCormick thought, from his bomb shelter in downtown Ianapalis, that it was a simply smashing idea.

“Great way to rally the troops, eh?” he asked his young assistant as shells burst on the street above them. “Who cares about anything else when the World Cup’s on?”

“Who’s in our group?” asked the assistant miserably, wondering if his family was still alive. And thinking about the World Cup, but only in the back of his mind.

“Lessee - h’m, that’s interesting.”

“What?”

“I always thought Commerce Heights and Cockbill Street were the same team.”

“No, Sir Gregory - remember? Cockbill Street was our big rival from back in the day and Commerce Heights - well, I’m not too sure we’ve ever played them, but they’re someone different.”

“Well, it says so in this news article. Apparently they’re both pretty good.”

“Who else’s in the Group?”

“Bunch of schmucks I’ve never heard of - Starblaydia, Slaikau, and Soccer Hooliganism. Ever heard of them Jo - er, Pa - er, Pe-, eh?” Somehow, Sir Gregory couldn’t quite seem to remember the boy’s name. He, still gazing forlornly off into the distance, didn’t seem to notice.

“Nope.”

“Hullo, what’s this?” asked Sir Gregory, picking up another article. He let the words hang in the air.

“What?” asked the assistant at last. He hated long, awkward pauses.

“From Starbladyia’s main rag, the ...well, can’t pronounce that. Anyhow, listen to this! - “ Starblaydi Ice Hockey fans will know that Iansisle are no match for Starblaydia's finest on the ice rink with a puck...” Sir Gregory looked up sharply, obviously expecting an equally indignant reaction.

“Starbladyia,” mumbled the assistant. “Starblaydia ...nope, still nothing. Who are they? Did the Gulls lose to their national team in an exhibition or something?”

“Nope,” said Sir Gregory, shaking his head. “We haven’t even been able to schedule a exhibition between the Gulls and the Red Bears; how could we do it with a country we’ve never even heard of?”

“Huh. Wonder where they get away making that outrageous claim, then?”

“Search me. Look here, last international hockey match the Gulls participated in was the final of the last Cherry Cup! Lost to the Mighty Ducks of Eizen, but an admirable performance, nonetheless!”

“Um, Sir Gregory?”

The Director jumped as if he had been shocked. “Yes?”

“We’re getting ready for the World Cup. Don’t you think we ought to - y’know - be talking about Coach Copplestone’s roster selection?”

“Quite right,” agreed Sir Gregory, and the meeting got as productive as it probably would.

By the end of six long hours, they had decided to invite Brian Lyon, the only Iansislean footballer of any renown now that Leonard Flaherty, John Copplestone, Benny Answorth, Conrad Brandt, and Alexander Truman had all retired. The other spaces hadn’t yet been filled.

Northbank have been drawn in a difficult Group Eight for the World Cup Qualifiers. They will be joined by KPB ranks 16 and 19, Liverpool England and Spam respectively, while The Weegies will also be a massive test.

The Invincibles will be looking for points from Lykaia, and a full complement of six from Johhhn...Jonh....Johnnn.....er, JBP.

Group 8 Prediction
1st Spaam
2nd The Weegies
3rd Liverpool England
4th NORTHBANK
5th Lykaia
6th JBP

Games:
H vs Spaam
A vs The Weegies
H vs Lykaia
H vs JBP
A vs Liverpool England
A vs Spaam
H vs The Weegies
A vs Lykaia
A vs JBP
H vs Liverpool England

Starblaydis confident of performing well
Polls show massive support for team
Source: A poll for the Starblaydia Chronicle (pronounced Cro-ni-cull)

When asked "Do you think Starblaydia will do well in the upcoming Qualifiers?" a resounding 84% of Starblaydis said they beleived the national team would perform well.

Realists, however, are still abundant in Starblaydia as when asked: "Do you think Starblaydia will qualify from Group 14?" Only 28% of those polled said they qould make it into first or second place.

Captain Ryan Garry was pleased with the results:

"If it means we have packed out stadiums with every Starblaydi behind us, we can't help but perform well.

Other Sporting News
Ice Hockey team on track for Cherry Cup Title

With just one game left to play in the regular season of Cherry Cup 5, hosted by The Gulf States, Starblaydia are in top-ranked position number one, with 75 points

We also polled a selection of Iansisle refugeees, fleeing the war-torn country. When asked "Do you know that Iansisle don't have a chance of making it to the play-offs in Cherry Cup 5?" A massive 96% of them said 'No'.

We then asked them: "Would you like a blanket, or maybe some Charity-based Aid for you and your fu-gee-la family?", 100% said 'Yes!'

Please bear in mind that in this last poll, 43% of Iansislers polled proceeded to take our interviewer's cup of coffee before running to beg help from the next sporting journalist in the line.

For more information about the 5th Cherry Cup, please click here. (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=340145) Thankyou.

Eauz suck mostestness
33% Eauz
21% Spaam
18% Audioslavia
17% Kingsford
8% Europa Brittania
3% Oglethorpia
Amazingly Ogle have dropped to least hated in the latest poll, with lucky corrupt cheating commies Eauz now commanding a dominate lead over the nancy male-shes of Spaam. WC16 is just around the corner, but most Insanicians would rather watch the new paint drying championships in NEWI.

After hours of pouring over statistics and the associated forms, the Bureaucratic States FA has released this message in relation to the above ranking from Total n Utter Insanity;

"The percentage of Oglethorpia's 'suckiness' is in direct correlation with the amount of skill and ability to preform well in the World Cup. That is, they're both frighteningly low."

BSFA President Mel Green would have protested such libel against the Bureaucratic States national team; that is, until he came to the sad realization that it was true.

WC Qualifing Draw Made.

The Halfassed Hurricanes found out to-day the challenge they face if they want to get to the WC finals in two years time.

Group 4
002 Bedistan
030 Halfassedstates
037 Aquilla
060 Ineptia
136 Anitram (puppet of Raptor Claw)
200 ASSKICKEN

As you can see, the Hurricanes have been drawn in qualifing group 4 alongside old foes Bedistan and Aquilla. Also in there are Ineptia, fellow FIFA side Anitram and newcomers Asskicken.

Hurricanes manager Chuck Mitchell was amused when informed of the draw. "Bedistan you say, well it will be an interesting challenge. They've moved on alot since I left, but I still have a few friends and family in the nation and am sure they'll be on the phone soon to have a go at me!"

On Halfassed's chances of progressing, Mitchell said, "Well we are ranked second best in the group, and therefore should progress, but then again, that should have been the case last time and we know what happened then! Obviously the Lions (Bedistan) will be the team to beat, they're ranked second in the world at the moment and deserve to be there. We will also have to Watch Aquilla, they are a similar side to ourselves, and they also have a good rivalry with the Lions, so anything could happen. It may well all come down to who slips up against the other sides."

When asked what he thought of the other opponents, Mitchell was at a loss, "Well I heard Ineptia had a decent performance last time out, I went on holiday to Anitram a year or too ago, but I didn't know they had an international football team! As for Asskicken, I couldn't even tell you where that is! But hey, thats what we pay the scouts for haha"

Halfassed have only met the other top sides in the group, both back in WC13. They played Aquilla in the qualifing round, winning 1-0 in Aquilla after losing the opening game 0-2. They not only played Bedistan once in WC13 (drawing 0-0 in the group stage), but also faced off against them in the qualifing for WC9 (winning 1 and drawing 1). They have no record against any of the other sides at full international level.

The draw for the games has already been made, with the Hurricanes opening match being the short cross FIFA journey to face Anitram.
Schedule in full:
MD1 - (a) Anitram
MD2 - (h) Bedistan - City of Whogivesa Stadium (Whogivesa)
MD3 - (a) Asskicken
MD4 - (h) Aquilla - Commonwealth Stadium (Whogivesa)
MD5 - (a) Ineptia
MD6 - (h) Anitram - The Glade (Aso)
MD7 - (a) Bedistan
MD8 - (h) Asskicken - Riverbank Stadium (Getoverit)
MD9 - (a) Aquilla
MD10 - (h) Ineptia - Munro Stadium (Sowhatsville)

WC16 is just around the corner, but most Insanicians would rather watch the new paint drying championships in NEWI.

Presenter: "Good afternoon, I'm Keith Pedderman, and welcome to the Druid Paint Drying Championships here in Llllllllllcwllllllll. With me is six time Druid Paint Drier of the Year, Trevor O'Leary, good afternoon Trevor."

O'Leary: "Good afternoon, Keith, and good afternoon to the viewers at home, both here in NEWI Cefn Druids and in over four and a half other countries around the world."

Pedderman: "Well what a line up of top quality paint driers we have assembled this year. 23 competitors, one from each region of the country, and all of them had to win their regional heats to reach this stage."

O'Leary: "Yes, and one of the most fancied driers to win DPD of the Year, Trevor Purse, unfortunately didn't make it through the Zobordi heat, after testing positive for caffine during the event. Of course, nobody's allowed to have any kind of assistance in staying awake during this event."

Pedderman: "So Trevor, remind us how the competition works."

O'Leary: "Well, driers get judged in two ways. Firstly, the time taken for the paint to become 100% dry is taken, the quicker the better. However, if whoever's timing you falls asleep, then tough, you're outta there."

Pedderman: Well, we've got some good... er... I mean bad news for you all, it's starting to rain here, and the championships have been cancelled, as all the paint would just get washed away, which would make a mockery of the whole thing."

O'Leary: "You can tell everyone's disappointed, Keith. Some of the people here today have been preparing all year for today, and to see their dreams washed away like this is a crying shame."

Pedderman: "Well, we'll just have to hope that it can go ahead some other time, eh, Trevor? Anyway, don't go away, because there's always sport on DruidSport, and to replace the Paint Drying, we're going to go over to Ormillton, where the Druid Over-85's Pass the Parcel Invitational Tournament is about to begin. But, for now, from Trevor and myself, if it aint dry, don't touch it!"

..................if it aint dry, don't touch it!"
:) :) roflmao
Superb ;)

The Bedistan Sports Digest

One-and-a-Half Asses to Be Kicked in Group 4
New Lions should fit the bill

AMISSVILLE -- The first ever all-male Bedistani national football team is reportedly ready to take on the other nations in World Cup 16 Qualifying Group 4. Here follows a quick rundown of what the team should be up against.

ASSKICKEN (unranked) - ASSKICKEN are likely to be the whipping boys of the group, a team that will likely have its collective ASS KICKed. Along the lines of other all-capital teams such as EL CID THE HERO, they are extremely unlikely to have even the remotest chance of qualification.
Previous matches: none

Anitram (#136) - Very little is known about this team, and they are likely to perform similarly to ASSKICKEN, except that the presence of lowercase letters will likely give them a bit more of an advantage.
Previous matches: none

Ineptia (#60) - Despite having a decent ranking, not much is known about the Ineptian team either. It remains up in the air as to whether or not the team will live up to its name, or whether it can produce some upsets against the higher-ranked teams.
Previous matches: none

Aquilla (#37) - Not many teams are as familiar to Bedistan as the Eagles of Aquilla. Aquilla and Bedistan have been rivals both on and off the pitch for over 40 years, and an Aquillan victory on matchday 4 of WC15 qualifying at James Parker National Stadium nearly caused the total destruction of that venue, forcing the Lions to play their remaining home matches at an alternate location. With an overall 3-0-1 record against the Eagles, the Bedistani team is quite confident of taking at least four points from them this time around.
Previous matches:
WC6 qualifying (home): W 4-0
WC6 qualifying (away): W 2-0
WC15 qualifying (home): L 0-2
WC15 qualifying (away): W 1-0

Halfassedstates (#30) - A deceptively low ranking hides the fact that the Halfassed team has always been one of the finest in the world. What's more, the Lions have an added incentive to do well against the Hurricanes, and it comes in the form of Hurricanes coach Chuck Mitchell. Mitchell was the backup goalkeeper for the Lions in World Cups 5-8 (the famed Olivia Bream being in the starting position), and he started between the posts for World Cups 9 and 10 as well. Besides Tyrone Hockensmith and Kurt Brew, Mitchell was the only player to be on the Lions' lineup for six World Cups. He retired and later became an announcer for BSTV briefly before suddenly disappearing about three years ago and reappearing in Halfassedstates with his new job. BFA president Javier McGuire is furious with Mitchell for some reason we are not entirely aware of, and he will ensure that the Lions prove themselves to their former player. The Lions and the Hurricanes have met three times previously, in the first round of World Cup 13 and two lesser-known times in World Cup 9 qualifying. They have drawn twice and Halfassed won the other game.
Previous matches:
WC9 qualifying (home): L 0-1
WC9 qualifying (away): D 1-1
WC13 first round (Cockbill Street): D 0-0

Not surprisingly, we predict that Bedistan and Halfassedstates will qualify, followed by Aquilla in third place.

Melmond Draws Group 3: Reaction
By Zuke O’Kenzie of the O’Connor Times

The second era of Melmondian football has begun ever since the grandfather and pioneer of Melmondian football Manager Felix Coostatlwak retired as well as the majority of the players of the first generation of Melmond football. Some of those players remain, but certainly the nucleus is far different. For starters, the Melmond National Team has put aside the Fearless Farmers moniker temporarily. They will be now known as the Under-a-Cheevers until the team proves themselves worthy of being called the Fearless Farmers one again. The new moniker is rather clever since this team is being managed under a Cheevers, Gerry Cheevers to be exact. The former world-class goalkeeper from Dennisov seeks to add some Zen harmony to this feisty Melmond side. He instituted his variation of the classic Coostatlwak 4-4-2, the 4-3-1-2 triangle, in which the harmony is centered through the point position, who plays in between the attack and the midfield. Superstar Critandi Unne, a link between the first and second generations of Melmond football, has the daunting task of being the conductor of harmony, but we are quite sure that s/he is up to the task. Groups are very different this time around as in this qualifying for Rejistania-Brazillico there are 15 groups of 6. Melmond definitely is happy to see who they are playing as the matchup should bring intrigue.
Let’s take a quick look at the competitors in this group.

The Hooligans of Snub Nose 38 should certainly be a very interesting matchup for the Under-a-Cheevers. Both FAs do have friendly relations with each other and three players from Snub Nose 38 play professionally in Melmond. Look for two close matchups here.

We are also happy to see that the Lightning of Svecia is in our group. Ever since the heated first two matchups between the two sides, both sides have become rather friendly rivals. Melmond got the best of the Lightning in the Cup of Harmony and really hindered their progress. These guys will be the biggest obstacle in the way of Melmond to be in their first World Cup, but not an insurmountable obstacle.

Oaker can be a thorn in any team’s side. This is a side that may not be as talented as Snub Nose 38, Svecia, or Melmond; but have the capability to stay in every match and if some things go their way, they could get the odd victory.

HypercapitaliZm is another side that Melmond is really looking forward to playing. This will make the first ever intraregional matchup for the Melmond National Team as this will not only be a qualifying match, but a championship match to prove who the best in the Exclusive Capitalizt Zone is.

Last and certainly least is Cirdanistan. These pinko commies are so egalitarian that they will probably be dragged down by their weakest player. That and their “Farg you I won’t do what you tell me!” attitude won’t help either. Hasta la pérdida siempre.

The Prediction
1. Snub Nose 38
2. Melmond
3. Svecia
4. Oaker
5. HypercapitaliZm
6. Cirdanistan

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor)
@ Snub Nose 38
@ Svecia
@ Cirdanistan
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
at Oaker

The Melmond National Team will have a relatively tough start to the first half of their qualifying campaign as they only have one match in their home nation. The first match is against the pesky Oaker side. The Sharks hung tough with Melmond in the Cup of Harmony in Melmond as Melmond escaped with a 1-nil victory. Now Oaker is a vastly improved side and has home-field advantage. This is certainly not a side to underestimate. Here is Manager Gerry Cheevers’ starting lineup.

GK- Snhp Xtfuinxm
D- Jonsi Torrini
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Trav Strachan
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Rainy Zoulthane
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Chris Owen
F- Benjamin Leeb

For tickets to Oaker and the match, call the Therewegoes Travel Agency at 3-18-357-9009. Oaker is for the most part a rather pleasant but slow nation, kind of like one giant small town. However, diving during shark feeding frenzies is a popular pastime that the very adventurous would enjoy in Oaker.

The Daily Indoctrinator
A Preview of How to Defeat the Enemy Nations

Lemmitania: Lemmings cannot resist the power of 8-bit!

The Lowland Clans: Bring tennis rackets!

Oddslavo: Fat umpires sit on them.

Taokoualu: Rocks and garbage.

Terenia: See above.

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Vilkaus Previews WC16 Quals Campaign


Vilitan National Press Conference, Motavilla, Hazlia
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..........There have been a few changes in fitness and performance levels of our players since the last World Cup in The Eagles Nest & Eauz. Many of our younger players, like the Allikater (Jimmy Kater) and Carmmy (Carmine Mbidzo), Have moved on to new clubs in search of First-Team football. I know Carmmy was getting frustrated, after all he was over at Marine Coast, and being able to train alongside Callum Banda and Jim Vella surely helped him loads, but the time was right to step into a starting role, and thats something that Cednia Beach in Turori were able to offer him. Same with Jimmy, Strike kept sending him out on loan to Relegated sides, so when Tivali City came in with an offer of a starting role, he was quick to accept, and It's paid off.

..........Rory's (Rory Issah) had a great season at Marine Coast, but I wanted him to be right here beside me and Baron (O'Toole) analyzing the game from every point of view so we don't go into the Finals again thinking it will be a walk. Rory will be registered to suit up, but as for right now, Allikater will be support Massimo Corsi in our World Cup Qualifiers, and Pop (Bryan 'Pop' Duiker) will be staying in Vilita to take the starting role in the AOCAF tournament. I had a talk with Bryan about his recent transfers, moving from Marine Coast, to Makosile, and now to Yeaddin Owls in the course of 2 seasons, and we thought it best for him to settle down, and not travel with the team, stay in Vilita and show the world what he's got by bringing Vilita home that AOCAF trophy.

..........As for the Defense, there are no terrible worries, the only thing that could be a problem is with Esemar (Aliana) as he's moved away from our Training Facilities in Alikki-Corra to play his domestic football in Turori for Cednia Beach. As a precautionary measure, we've called up Sibusiso Azaïez who had a great season for Kiiarana, despite their relegation from the Stellar Division, and with his move to Yeaddin Owls, I'm sure everyone will have their eyes on the young lad next season. We've also been impressed with the performances of Jaloey Afrikka, who may be pushing for a more permanent place in the side, and I know his Domestic performances can only improve now that David Leacock has joined him at Jlinal Cove. Since we have committed to playing a more attacking 3-5-2 formation, we have also decided to call Antonis Ratuva of Jlinal Wanderers in to travel with the team as backup for Jürgen (Ramzi), and Baron will be taking a look at Lai Otieno in the Defensive Midfield role in the AOCAF cup. I don't know as much about Lai as Baron Does, but he tells me he watched him play in the Vilitan Cup Group Stage for Non-League Corra Rangers, and was shocked to see his level of composure in a 15 year old.

..........The Midfield will likely be classic Vilitan Midfield, With Alexander Östling possibly seeing a bigger role, and of corse Santo (Kecker) as captain. Nigel (Champman) and Chris Dogbé are both starting to get a bit older, so we've invited Musa Mikiema of Jaguar Moreda to train with the team, and possibly make a few AOCAF appearances, in case our Midfield starts running thin late in the qualifying campaign. I don't forsee any big surprises in attack either, Obviously Callum Banda and Germán Salomón will be starting the major matches, but I can't rule out starting Serge (DuPont) or even Hluali Mijatos in one of the lesser matches.

..........Obviously the toughest matches of the campaign will be against Audioslavia, who are ranked 9th in the World currently. However, if We can come out evens in the Two matches with the Slaves, then I don't see any reason we can't overcome Raptor Claw, and the rest of Group 8, and find ourselves On top of the group and into the World Cup 16 Finals in Rejistania and Brazillico.



Jungle Cat Kit unveiled for World Cup Campaign

Vilitan National Press Conference, Motavilla, Hazlia
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..........After Vilkaus's Conference outside the National Stadium in Motavilla, Hazlia, The Vilitan Football Association unveiled the new Vilitan World Cup Kits. The Kit resembles the former kit, which was worn in competition since the start of World Cup 14, However includes alterations in the middle of the jersey, and is made of an improved fabric. The kits were again designed and produced by 3wide Designs (http://www.3wide.com) in Lonngeylin, Vilita. In keeping with Vilitan Kit-Unveiling tradition, Germán Salomón's #14 Uniform was selected for display.

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Vilita Starting Lineup vs. Hazlia
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..........Jaloey Afrikka, The impressive Central Defender from Jlinal Cove FC will be making his first ever Vilita Jungle Cat Senior Internationstatal Start in the match against newcomers Hazlia. The only other notable differences in the starting 11 see Serge DuPont partnering Callum Banda up front, and Alexander Östling and Umberto Melli beating out all other callers to take the central midfield roles. A very inexperienced bench sees Strike Hluali Mijatos, Utility player Antonis Ratuva, and Goalkeeper Jimmy Kater with no senior appearances between them, along with youngsters Esemar Aliana, Calaesa Mitaroka and veterans Jim Vella and Jon Baledrokadroka.


VILITA JUNGLE CATS v. Hazlia
-----------------------LINEUP---

GK ::Massimo Corsi

D ::Jaloey Afrikka
D ::Enzo Ahat
D ::Giacomo Adika

DMC ::Jürgen Ramzi

ML ::Santo Kecker
MC ::Alexander Östling
MC ::Umberto Melli
MR ::Jonathon Stott

FC ::Callum Banda
FC ::Serge DuPont

-------------------------SUBS---

FC ::Hluali Mijatos
FC ::Jim Vella
M ::Jonathon Baledrokadroka
M ::Calaesa Mitaroka
D ::Esemar Aliana
U ::Antonis Ratuva
GK ::Jimmy Kater



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Matches & Venues:

M01:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia
M02:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare
M04:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

Spurland's in Group 15

Spurland have been drawn into group 15 of WC16 qualification and will face some tough opposition. The team are expected to finish second from bottom based on world rankings but manager Sid Morzaria remains optimistic, "Most teams havnt heard of us, so we hope to suprise some of them and give them a run for their money."

Spurland's first game is against Tadjikistan ranked about 70 places above the Spurland side and are expected to win. Team Captain Peter Mannes said, "We will of course play our best, but the most we can hope for is a draw. We will be going for that."

Tadjikistan coach Triandafillov earlier commented that he did not want to underestimate Spurland. Both teames will be looking to start their qualification campaign with wins and it should be an interesting game.

Group 15:
003 The Eagles Nest
032 Tadjikistan
043 Crystilakere
065 Haperd
103 Spurland
200 Loonyvania


Qualification Fixtures:
Md 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan
MD 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland
MD 3:
Spurland v Haperd
MD 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania
MD 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland
MD 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
MD 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
MD 8:
Haperd v Spurland
MD 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
MD 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest


Spurland Roster (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?p=6640181&posted=1#post6640181)

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Sad realization; we suck.
After 12 World Cups, fans have finally given up on Oglethorpia's World Cup squad

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- For 12 consecutive World Cups, Oglethorpia has managed to make it to the first round; only to let fans at home down, having only progressed to the second round six times. The other six times, fans at home in the Bureaucratic States have witnessed total meltdowns of the Oglethorpian national side throughout the years. World Cup 15 cemented the belief that Oglethorpia's international football record was less-than-spectacular when the van Mistletoe-led squad managed a 0-1-2 record in the first round playing in Eauz.

Needless to say, the general concensus at home has transistioned from national pride to considering the squad a mockery. One need only to look at the post WC14 rank at #6, that fell to a dismal #18th after World Cup 15.

"It's a bad joke," remarked a fan outside a pub in Megalopolis City. "Going from #6 in the world to #18th -- and some genius in the BSFA thinks we should give the team that let that happen another chance. Why should I have pride in my country's footballin' history? They're a bunch of chumps -- the team, and the people who are still letting them play."

Apparently Amalgamated Industries, the longtime sponsor of the World Cup squad and their home stadium, also shares the thought that the national side is composed of chumps.

"Unless [Pancrazio] Black's squad can bring the Cup home to Oglethorpia, we're done sponsoring the national squad. In fact, we're going to go out with a bang, hoping that our massive line of Oglethorpian World Cup-squad related goods will make us a bundle of money," stated Amalgamated Industries CEO Richard White.

Worse news yet for Oglethorpia's chances in World Cup 16 came when Europa Britannia was drawn into their group.

"We beat them back in World Cup 5 2-1," said Pancrazio Black, manager of the Oglethorpian national side. "I think it's better for everyone to live in the past and cherish that victory -- because they're top seed, and as of late, we've been absolute shit."

Taking into the account the growing rift between the international game and the twisted version being implemented domestically, a squad already gathering dust will be training for an entirely different version of the game to go into World Cup 16 with few useful skills.

"In fact," added Black, "I think it's better if the fans back in the Bureaucratic States completely live in the past period. I-- and the other staff don't have high hopes for this Cup -- anything good shall be attributed to luck. It's better for everyone if they just imagine how good the squad was back in World Cup 10. Use your imagination, folks."

Deep and metaphorical
More changes to Oglethorpian Div. 1 football?

By Dwight Hamilton

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Div. 1 football goes "soft"
BSFA approves iniative to force players in padded uniforms

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- In the ongoing saga of changes to Oglethorpia's domestic game, the tabloid industry of the Bureaucratic States has got ahold of the most absurd rumor yet; that the BSFA intends to change the very game that is currently called "football."

From "our sources" we've caught wind of a plan to make the meaning of the Oglethorpian pasttime "football" more deep and metaphorical than it has ever been in history. You ask, 'what does that mean?' We're going to tell you. "Football" implies the use of feet in cooperation with a ball -- we've heard that the new changes intend to cloud the meaning of the term by making only 2 players a 54 player team -- yes, a 54 player team -- actually use their feet. Other changes include making it a thinking man's game, with formations and tactical "plays." Sound a lot like chess? We're skeptical too -- that's saying something, considering we're a tabloid.

So far, BSFA officials have denied rumors that football in Oglethorpia will become "a thinking man's game" and that teams will have 54 players, or for that matter, that only 2 will actually use their feet. The accuracy of said information has yet to be seen.

Said BSFA President Mel Green, "we would never do anything like that -- 54 players on a single team? That's absolutely crazy. Look, i'll start up a mariachi band if we do anything as blasphemous as making people kick a ball through a goal standing erect in the air and still call that game football. That's my story, and i'm sticking too it; football as you know it will never, ever be that demented."

Emam Named National Team Manager

Crystili native Hazem Emam, a retired member of Yeaddin Owls AFC in the Vilitan Stellar Division who started in all but 2 matches for the Owls on the way to their first ever Stellar Division Championship, today was named the new Head Coach of the Crystils for World Cup 16. Emam was the first Crystili player to feature in the Vilitan Stellar Division, and the first to ever when a Foreign Domestic Championship. His last appearance for the national team came during The 15th Cup Of Harmony in the 2-1 Victory over the Weegies.


Crystils drawn in Final Group

Hazem Emam will lead the Crystilakere National team in a tough Group 15 that consists of World Cup Favorites The Eagles Nest, WC15 Team of the Tournament Tadjikistan, and Baptism of Fire Cup Semi Finalists Spurland, as Well as the crafty Haperd and unknown newcomer, Loonyvania

Group 15
003 The Eagles Nest
032 Tadjikistan
043 Crystilakere
065 Haperd
103 Spurland
200 Loonyvania

The Sarzonian national team began the final stages of its preparation for the team's opening World Cup match against Jeruselem by running another spirited practice. The team that was known for its lackadaiscal training before cup tournaments was much sharper after the Baptism of Fire Cup. As a result, Coach Bryan Marshall did something he normally wouldn't. He ended practice a half hour early.

"I let them go early because I didn't see much benefit to continuing to train," Marshall said. "They were as sharp as I've seen them on the practice field. I just hope that'll be enough when we start playing the matches."

Afterwards, the team huddled in its training headquarters with match tapes of Jeruselem's previous matches and evaluated scouting reports on all the players on the team's roster. No tendency of the team as a whole or any of the individual players escaped exhaustive discussion. Even the players considered unlikely to earn so much as one minute of playing time were exhaustively broken down.

"We probably spent more time as a team studying Jeruselem than we have for any other team we've ever faced," team captain and midfielder Bobby Convey said. "We don't know very much about them, but they don't know much about us either."

The team even elected not to go out for a last night on the town before the first match, choosing instead to break down their opponents each night. The team would briefly cover each of the other four teams in the group until they prepared to face the individual teams; then they would prepare in far greater detail.

"When it all boils down to it, we had to decide as a team if we wanted to party and just enjoy being here or if we wanted to win the Cup," forward Brian Wilson said. "In the end, winning supercedes everything else, including party time. There'll be plenty of time for that when the Cup is done."

"The lads are very focused," commissioner Buddy Landry said as he watched the last public training session. "They really came together as a team the last seven matches; well, eight if you count the match against Vilita. It's a pleasure to see and it can only benefit our league."

Eagle's Nest History Against Group 15 Teams

After rummaging through historical documents, the following results have been found:

Tadjikistan
WCXV Round of 16: Win 2-0

Crystilakere
Never Played

Haperd
Never Played

Spurland
Never Played

Loonyvania
No Matches


Noting that we have only played one game against any of the teams, This could be a very nasty cup for us.

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Eels look to Continue Streak

Turori National Press Conference, Cednia, Turori
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.......The Turori Eels and Head Coach Gisterfred Q. Disterfred will step out onto the field against Wella for the opening match of World Cup 16 Qualifiers on the back of the longest active unbeaten streak in Internationstatal World Cup competition, a streak of 12 Games on the tail of an unsuccessful World Cup 15 Qualifying effort that saw the Eels 5th in their group, just a single point from qualification. Turori's last World Cup Qualifying Defeat came against Bedistan, currently ranked 2nd in the latest KPB Rankings, However the toughest competition in Group 13 will come from 5th ranked Kingsford. The Eels have not been as impressive in other competitions, coming home a dismal 14th out of 16 in the most recent Cup of Harmony.

.......Coach Disterfred does not expect to make many changes in the starting squad, other than the ageing Mauritus Banda taking more of a coaching role, with Akamoari Liano, Strike Partner to Vilitan National Jan Christiansen at Yeaddin Owls AFC in the Vilitan Stellar division, expected to lineup next to first choice striker Jualiar Vumaou in the crucial opening match against Wella. The only notable addition to the squad comes in the unattached 23 year old Ugo Doohan, who has been struggling with injuries the past few seasons, but is still believed to be the best Defensive Midfielder in the region, and with Doohan nearing fitness, Coach Disterfred opted to call him to train with the team and cover that roll if necessary.



National Stadium Under Renovation

Turori FA Press Center, Almintora, Turori
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.......The Turori Eel's home World Cup 16 Qualifying Matches will not be played at the Almintora National Stadium, in Almintora, as they were for World Cup 15 Qualifiers. The stadium is currently under rennovation in hopes to attract World Cup Finals Football to Turori, The Turori FA having a conditional request to host one of the 4 Vilitan Region groups should Kaze Progressa & Vilita be chosen as hosts of World Cup 17. Until Renovations are complete, Turori National World Cup Qualifying, u21 and Friendly matches will be rotated between the Cednia Beach Center, home of Cednia Beach AFC, with a Capacity of 20,000(10,000 Seated); and the Mliona Stadium, home of Former League side Mliona-Lpaka, host 15,000(5,000 Seated). The Eels final match of World Cup 16 Qualifying, at home to Giant Zucchini, may be moved to nearby Turoki Isle, Vilita, to the Turoki National Stadium, which has a total capacity of 36,000 and would be better suited to host the match if it has World Cup Final Qualification at stake



Unlucky 13 for Turori

Brazillico FA Headquarters, Kalita, Brazillico
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.......The Turori Eels have been drawn in Unlucky Group 13 for their World Cup 16 Qualifying Campaign. In World Cup 15, Turori's only previous World Cup endeavor, the Eels were drawn in a very competitive Group 1, which saw 4 teams competing for the final Qualification spot on the last day of competition. With such limited World Cup experience, it goes without saying that the Eels have never faced any of their Group 13 opponents previously, however, Turori Coach G.Q. Disterfred was able to get limited reports from Vilitan u21 Head Coach, and Marine Coast United Player/Manager Baron O'Toole, who's Jungle Cat u21 side defeated the Kingsford u21 side on their way to the u21 World Cup 3 Finals. The Eels will also benefit from the Intense National Coverage of the Vilitan World Cup 15 Qualifying Campaign, and will surely be watching tapes of both Vilita-Wella matchups intesively in the buildup to those matches.


Group 13
--------
005 Kingsford
025 Giant Zucchini
045 Wella
054 Turori
130 Dead Man
200 Largemanistan


.......Kingsford are expected to top the group, However, with only the top 2 advancing to the World Cup Finals, it is certain that Giant Zucchini will not be a lock for 2nd place. Both Wella, and Turori, will certainly be in the running to knock Giant Zucchini out of the competition come the final few matchdays, with a potential decider on Matchday 10 between Turori & Giant Zucchini to take place in Atlantian Oceania. Dead Man is an entirely unknown Entity to the Eels, However Should not be taken lightly as they have the potential to steal 2 fatal points from Turori if they are not careful. Largemanistan are not expected to be a factor in the group, except for Goal Differential, and will be lucky to get 3 points over the 10 matchday Qualifying Stage.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

As we wait for the World Cup to kick off, No.3 in an occassional and unwelcome series looking at crap Druid sports. Following on from welly chucking and paint drying, we bring you this...

"...Thank you Keith, such a shame about the paint drying there, but you join us at a crucial stage in this over-85's pass the parcel championship. There are only a few layers of wrapping paper left on the parcel, and many of the competitors are visibly displaying fatigue from such a long game. As the parcel is passed round, we see... oh, it's stopped! And that's on Edna Owen of Cefn City... and... no, dissappointment. Another layer underneath... but what's this? The match referee has adjudged that Edna's taken two layers of wrapping off, and gone and disqualified her! Poor thing... but look, she's offering to get a cup of tea for everyone... what a love. But anyway, the game continues, the music currently playing is by a Druid folk band called I'll Be Blown, though I don't think the innuendo was intentional... oh, it's stopped again, and that's on Ged Connolly, and, yes' that's it, game over, Ged Connolly is our champion, and he's won tickets to the International Carrot Fighting Cup here in NEWI Cefn Druids later in the year. But for now, it's back to Keith in Llllllllllcwllllllll."

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/kylaai.jpgThe Reformed Islands of Kylaai

The Reformed Islands of Kylaai will be playing against the nations of Kaze Progressa, Gesamtkuntswerk, Dennisov, Oceaice (puppet of Crystilakere) and Fawcett City in their first World Cup. We will all be in Group 1. Hopefully we will do better than in the last competition the Baptism of Fire as we did not qualify. I believe our first match will be against Gesamtkuntswerk.

The Kylaai Team for the World Cup will be

Goalkeeper: Mandoo Nania
Defenders: Lital Tirar, Hito Burrito, Vito Frito, Max
Midfielders: Rising Sun, Macala Moria, Tennence Fleiam, Norada-Fell
Attackers: Mazu Kazu, Vlanti Vimorta

The Reformed Islands of Kylaai were not allowed to play in the World Cup until they became reformed, as they were previously known as the Nudest Islands of Kylaai and therefore they did not want to wear a Kit but they would not be allowed in the world cup playing without a Kit, but they have now Reformed in an effort to become Delegate so they will now wear a kit and participate in the world cup.

The Valerian Voice

The Boyars Are Drawn in Group 2

MAGNUS VALERIUS -- The national team, the Valerian Boyars, have been drawn into a group that is rather difficult on the outset, considering that Europa Brittania and Oglethorpia are in the group. These two nations are veterans of football, and it might be a big, bad battle ahead for our team. The other teams seem to be pretty easy in terms of challenge to the Boyars, who in the last WC actually did well compared to WCs before WCXV.


Group 2
007 Europa Brittania
018 Oglethorpia
051 Magnus Valerius
053 EL CID THE HERO
170 Bluesonia
200 Artoonia

MD 1: EL CID THE HERO v. Magnus Valerius
MD 2: Magnus Valerius v. Bluesonia
MD 3: Europa Brittania v. Magnus Valerius
MD 4: Oglethorpia v. Magnus Valerius
MD 5: Artoonia v. Magnus Valerius

LINEUP CHANGES: Fans Say Goodbye to Ernst von Zell-am-See, Dimitrios Konstantinides, and Emmanuel Bolingbroke

MAGNUS VALERIUS -- National Team Fans in this World Cup will no longer be seeing three of their favorite players as they are removed from the team. Dimitrios Konstantinides (#92) was signed off to Dankeshoernland FC, a football club from Giant Zucchini. One of the best players the national team has ever seen, Konstantinides was offered a deal that he couldn't pass up, considering that the Emperor has made the mindset of the players in the Boyars into the fact that they aren't playing for money but for their nation (The salary for each team member is 25,000 Crowns a year, equal to approximately 75,000 $US a year).

Ernst von Zell-am-See (#24) and Emmanuel Bolingbroke (#15) have retired from the Grand Old Sport. They weren't the stars of the last World Cup, but they were undeniably excellent players.

Replacing Konstantinides is Konstantinos Pappas (#77), a promising new star on the football scene from the Metakian Royal F.C. In von Zell-am-See's striker position is Thomas Hapsburg (#24), a promising offensive player from the Badenese Crown Royale F.C. And, finally, hailing from the Torino Coyotes in New Valeria, is Frank Gespacho (#16). He is hailed as a hero in the distant colony of Magnus Valerius, and he is bound to make some waves in Valerian Football with the other two and budding new stars to the national team.

The Venues!

Valerian Venues for WC XVI

Tsar Alexander II Grand Colosseum
City: Valerius Prime (Pop: 18,543,200)
Seating Capacity: 91,500
Team: Valerian Boyars

The TAGC (as abbreviated by locals) is a complex recently constructed and completed in time for the World Cup. The very large complex sits on a small island in the center of the Vedusian River, with several new suspension bridges leading to it, and even the old stone bridges of ages past offer a more scenic route to the nation with their gas lamps and horse-drawn carriages and pedestrians on the side as well. A park lies on the other half of the islet that the stadium lies on, providing a green respite locale with several shops and restaurants available for Home fans and Visitors. Rising above the stadium on either side of the river are new skyscrapers that, 20 years ago, would never had been seen; Valerian technology had advanced rapidly within a few years after the capture of the high-tech New-Transylvania.

The Imperial Dome
City: Metaxas (Pop: 9,875,000)
Seating Capacity: 71,000
Team: Metakian Royal FC

The Imperial Dome lies on a promontory overlooking King William's Sea in the city of Metaxas. It is the second largest stadium in the Valerian Empire. The weather in Metaxas is reknowned to be cool and very sunny almost year-round, which makes the city a perfect place for football.

King William's Stadium
City: Meijis City (Pop: 4,210,000)
Seating Capacity: 62,500
Team: Romanovna FC

King William's Stadium is situated in Meijis City, a city in the northern regions of Magnus Valerius. The surrounding landscape are quiet farm fields and serene forested hills. The region is rainy, though, so there is always a chance of a game being dampened here.

The Ring of The Shah
City: Tabriz (Pop: 9,670,000)
Seating Capacity: 60,200
Team: Tabriz Immortals

Tabriz is a city well-known for its intricate and ancient architecture. The coastal city always gets a fair breeze and fair weather for most of the year as well.

The Gulf States, still a newcomer to the scene of international football, is placed in Group 12 of the 16th World Cup. Our ranking is pretty dismal, and there's a few top 35 teams in our group - including Squornshelous. Hopefully we'll manage to make another dent in the world scene.

If all else fails, we stick to baseball and hockey.

*we find ourselves outside the mansion of the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages as a coach, drawn by four black horses, makes its dusty way up the long drive from the road. as it pulls up to the foot of the stairway, a trumpet fanfare blares. as if choreographed (well, not so much "as if"...it is choreographed) the minister himself appears in the doorway at the top of the stairs just as the coach opens and someone we have come to know as margaret steps out and mounts the stairs, her age belied by the vitality she displays. the minister holds out his arms as she approaches. another fanfare, and...*

- Oh, get out of the way, pinhead.
- gack!Margaret! I'm trying to welcome you to...
- I've been on the road in that bumpy coach, over these flippin' dusty roads, for three solid hours. I need a drink, and I need the little girls room, and I need 'em now!
- But you don't need to be so rude.
- Yeah? Why not, pal?
- Could you at least...
- Could you at least go fetch my rubber chicken and get ready to brief me on the Hooligans?
- The who-ligans?
- Hooligans.
- Who?
-...ligans!
- 0h...well...you see...
- Hurry up, lamebrain! I've gotta get to the ladies.
- No Hooligans.
- No...what?
- No, who.
- What?
- None.
- Nun?
- No, none.
- None what?
- None Hooligans.
- Are you pulling my leg?
- Well, you see, the Comptroller of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages informed me that there was a cash flow problem.
- ...and?...
- It turns out that the bulk of our accounts payable were for any number of things directly related to the Hooligans.
- ...oh, no...
- So, I let them go.
- Go? You let them GO!
- Uh...yes, that's it exactly.
- You know who better go?
- No, who?
- You, nim-nim. You. Because after I go, if you aren't gone, you're gonna go - - - on a very short but very painful journey.
-...urk...

*margaret enters the mansion mumbling something on the order of "find some decent footballers" and "flay him alive". the minister's face is a study in fear. he slowly backs down the stairs, and bumps into the coach. we take our leave as, deciding to put the coach to further use, the minister takes his.*

MD1 is (finally) up: http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=343804

Adrasuvare?
We fared very well, adidsufare?

Audioslavia got their WC16 campaign off to an emphatic victory over new guys Adrasuvare. The 6-0 win equals the highest ever victory in Audioslavian history, matching their 6-0 annihilation of Iuthia of thirty years ago.

Five of Audioslavia's goals came in the first half, with Danny Bracken hitting the first two in the opening minutes, one from a corner and one from a goalkeeping mistake. Rep followed up with number three from another corner, before Croft let fly with a spectacular effort on the forty-minute mark. Bracken hit his own thirty-yarder for his hat-trick on the stroke of half-time.

Five-Nil up and crusing, the 'slaves made a few changes for the second half, notably Rossler and De La Rocha coming on up front in place of hat-trick-hero Bracken and James Laver. Adrasuvare had a spell of pressure in the opening minutes of the second half, but other than that Audioslavia seemed to have the match nicely wrapped up. Croft grabbed his second and Audioslavia's 6th in the dying moments, and the 'slaves went home more than happy.

FINAL SCORE
Adrasuvare 0
Audioslavia 6 (Bracken 3, 6, 44 - Rep 19 - Croft 40, 88)

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Audioslavia 3 1 0 0 6: 0 6
2. Vilita 3 1 0 0 4: 0 4
3. The Redavic Union 3 1 0 0 1: 0 1
4. Raptor Claw 0 0 0 1 0: 1 -1
5. Hazlia 0 0 0 1 0: 4 -4
6. Adrasuvare 0 0 0 1 0: 6 -6

Audioslavia head up region six ahead of Vilita who also had a blow-out against Hazlia. In the other game, The Redavic Union edged out Raptor Claw in a close game.

If theres one negative point so far, its the fact that, in this Region 6, Audioslavia's DVDs dont work.

I've been Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches

Blades cursed on MD1 AGAIN!
2-0 loss to Iansisle mars impressive display

Yes folks, we were expecting it and yes folks, it happened again. Starblaydia lost their opening game for the 6th International Tournament in a row.

Brian Lyon led out Iansisle at the Iota "Big Eye" Arena in Penningworth to the sound of 85,00 rather hostile Starblaydians, having heard their Ice Hockey team had beaten Iansisles 5-1 a few days before to clinch Cherry Cup 5's top rank for the play-offs. When Ryan Garry led out Starblaydia the crowd went crazy with cheers, air-clappers and whistles. The national anthem "Starblaydia Triumphant" was resoundingly sung by the Starblaydis, who cheered at every Starblaydi pass in the first half.

Unfortunately it was the same old story. The hopes of a nation to start well in the opening match were crushed at the end of the first half, as Iansisle scored twice in ten minutes to lead at half-time 2-0. Even opening the sliding roof to let the then-clear skies in at half-time didn't help. The sun shone down on the pitch, and Starblaydia still couldn't score against a determined defence.

That was the way it stayed, despite Starblaydia having Di Bradini, Lazerevski, Bentley, de Souza Lima and Torino all in the field in attacking positions, battering the Iansisle goalkeeper with fierce and not-so-fierce shots. So Starblaydia must picked themselves up again and try to ascend the table again, in an attempt to get to the World cup Finals at the second attempt.

Final Score:
Starblaydia 0 - 2 Iansisle
(Lyon 36, Fletcher 45)

Other Group 14 News
Soccer Hooliganism 0 - 4 Commerce Heights
A more-than expected win for Commerce Heights as the World Champions destroyed the opposition
Slaikau 1 - 1 Cockbill Street
An unexpected draw that will certainly leave the Street disappointed.

Region 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Commerce Heights 3 1 0 0 4: 0 4
2. Iansisle 3 1 0 0 2: 0 2
3. Cockbill Street 1 0 1 0 1: 1 0
Slaikau 1 0 1 0 1: 1 0
5. Starblaydia 0 0 0 1 0: 2 -2
6. Soccer Hooliganism 0 0 0 1 0: 4 -4

The Sarzonian national team was just moments away from an uplifting, if shocking 2-1 win over Jeruselem in their World Cup qualifying debut. The defense stifled some of the higher seed's better runs and forward Brian Wilson knifed through the stunned Jeruselem backline to score the team's first goal in World Cup play in the 16th minute.

But defender Mike Coyle slipped in the 18 yard box and a Jeruselem forward blasted a shot past a surprised Troy Perkins and the Stars were left fuming after a 2-2 draw.

"We should have gotten the full three points, there's no question about that," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "We thoroughly outplayed them for 90-plus minutes and it's just sickening that we weren't able to get things off to the kind of start we were hoping."

Team officials suggested that they would need to beat Jeruselem in Matchday Six to have a chance at advancing past the first round, but Wilson dismissed talk of that.

"Our only focus right now is our next match," Wilson said. "We didn't get the full three points against Jeruselem but we can't replay that match now. Now we have to make sure we don't slip up and lose our next match because we're sore from this one."

Midfielder Darwin Russell, perhaps still celebrating his transfer to Parkville F.C. in the NEWI Cefn Druids league, committed a foul in the box in the 33rd minute leading to Jeruselem's first goal, but he then redeemed himself in the 42nd minute with a header off a cross from midfielder Bobby Convey, giving the Stars a 2-1 halftime lead.

"I need to better. We need to do better," Russell said. "I don't think we have any reason to be in awe now."

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Consider Your Ass Kicked
Lions start campaign with record win

ASSKICKEN -- Well, what can we say? The nation's name pretty much says it all. But as a reporter, I have to write something here, so here goes.

The action started right at the opening whistle. The boys of ASSKICKEN were still busy gloating over their impending victory at midfield, and Hillcrest Utd striker Benjamin Xi took the opportunity to totally bypass the whole team and make a nice controlled shot into the net from over 45 yards out (the keeper was celebrating with the rest of the team). After the goal, the referee had to shout at the ASSKICKEN players to remind them that the game was in progress and that they were already down 1-0 after 38 seconds. The home team became infuriated, and the ref was forced to award two yellow cards for unsportsmanlike conduct (to separate players) before the game could start again. ASSKICKEN actually started an attack this time, but central defender Carl Chang had no problem stealing the ball away from #9 as he tried to move toward the Lions' net. Just for kicks (no pun intended), Chang himself decided to make his way up the pitch well into ASSKICKEN's half. He made a shot, which the keeper deflected, but it came right back to Chang, who proceeded to put the ball in. 2-0 Bedistan after three minutes.

At this point, the Lions backed off, ready for 90 minutes of rest. Yet it seems as though the home team couldn't help awarding nine free kicks in the first half. Most of those were some distance from the goal, though, and only three of them were converted -- the first two by Xi in the 20th and 29th minutes, securing a hattrick for him, and the second by fellow striker Jackson Reinhardt in the 36th minute. The teams went into the halftime break with the Lions in the best position they'd ever seen at that point in the match, up five-nil. Manager Brandon Barton took the opportunity to give three of the subs their first international match, bringing Sven Cardinal on for Xi, Moses Harris on for Kevin Fields on the back line, and Ed Simpson to replace a very bored Hank Paulsen at goal.

Much of the second half was a snooze-fest, as ASSKICKEN appeared to have lost all hope and Bedistan really didn't have anything left to do with their five-goal lead. Reinhardt decided to take another kick in the general direction of the goal midway through the half, and the ball found its target, bringing the score to 6-0. The last nail was driven into the home team's coffin when Acosta Browns right defender Dave al-Armani successfully converted a Ted Best corner. The match ended with the largest margin of victory in 44 years of Bedistani football -- 7-0.

"Well, I didn't think the match would be difficult, but I sure didn't expect anything like that," remaked Barton after the match. "I wonder what'll happen when we play them at home."

The Lions scored more goals than anyone else on Matchday 1 and currently lead Group 4 on goal difference over Halfassedstates, who defeated Anitram 5-0. Also satisfying to us is Ineptia's 1-0 upset of Aquilla. Audioslavia, of course, was only able to manage a 6-0 win over Adrasuvare. Poor 'slaves. What's more, defending champions Commerce Heights could only score four goals on Soccer Hooliganism; that can't bode well for their chances of repeating.

Bedistan's next match is away to Halfassedstates, which should prove to be our toughest test in qualifying. "If we win this next match, we should be able to win them all," comments Barton.

Final score:
ASSKICKEN 0
Bedistan 7 (Xi 1, 20, 29; Chang 3; Reinhardt 36, 77; al-Armani 82)

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Celestials Get NASTI

SECOND place in the group is the reward for an impressive Krytenian side as they blew aside WC15 qualifiers NASTIC II by three goals to one. The nature of the victory was most impressive as the Celestials looked on top from the start.

Krytenia's fans got something of a "reputation" at the last World Cup and a full house of 51,204 at Green Street watched Krytenia take the bull by the horns. They weren't disappointed as Kingsford-based fan favourite Colin Ulvæus danced a merry jig around the NASTIC defence before laying the ball back for Stephen Xousa to score on his debut after just four minutes.

Karim Isserson had added some fire to the team's bellies it seemed, and after a disastrous Cup Of Harmony the side were determined to impress on home soil. However, despite Ulvæus pulling a string of good saves out of the NASTIC keeper, and Ari Smith attempting to destroy the goal frame with one thunderbolt, Krytenia were unable to improve their lead.

The second half, however, was a different story entirely. An inspired substitution on 53 minutes saw captain Will Guarado replaced by the more attacking Roger Celsen, and with his first touch Celsen released Chris Lydersen on the left, and his cross was met by Smith for the second.

A rare moment saw the Celestials take their feet off the gas in the 62nd minute, and this lapse saw <CF10> with enough space and time to launch a shot from twenty yards. Adam Vernazza, in for the injured Munitis between the sticks, managed to turn it onto the post, however <CF9> was there to slot home.

But it was not to be for the visitors. Ulvæus caused trouble with another run, this time laying off for Celsen to cap off a fantastic display seven minutes from time. Three points for Krytenia, and certainly a morale booster.

Next up are The Gulf States. They are also in their second World Cup, however were turned over three-nil by group favourites Squornshelous in Matchday One and could be ripe for the picking in Remires.

KRYTENIA - 3
Xousa 4
Smith 54
Celsen 82

NASTIC II - 1
<CF9> 62

SCORERS
Roger CELSEN - 1
Ari SMITH - 1
Stephen XOUSA - 1

v NASTIC II (Green Street, Elliston) W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States (Tribeca Park, Remires)
@ The Water Cooler
v Squornshelous (Atterbrook Way, Westleigh)
v Nikea (People's Stadium, Avid-Diord)
@ NASTIC II
@ Nikea
v The Water Cooler (Republican, Selyer)
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

Strike Birds Hang 5 in Looneyvania

Looneyvania Plum Looney on the Rules of Football

TEN Tribune (Looneyvania)

The Eagle's Nest opened their run to WC XVI in a place called Looneyvania, and wow...it lived up to the name, as the Birds had no trouble scoring 5 goals on this team to win 5 nil.

With the departure of Josh Adams to become coach, others had to pick up the offense and Horace started it off with a very potent blast towards the goal after galloping in on the box. (Word is the starting keep er will be ok, he's just temporarily blinded from the gas and should be released by next game.) The shot flew in 26 seconds into the game. Siggy Secour took a cross from Mario Gratunia a few minutes later to make it 2-0. At this point, one of the Loonyvania forwards asked if he could ride on Horace. Horace, famous for his many escaped as mascot for BSE Free Bovines many years ago, really didn't know what to do, but Coach Adams waved him over and whispered something in his ear. Horace went back to the forward and mooed at him a bit, and finally, understanding he brought the ball in front of Horace and yelled to everyone to get out of the way, as Horace was going to gallop around and he didn't want anyone to get run over. Horace prompty ran down and scored again, as everyone dived out of his way with the happy looney forward on his back to make it 3-0.

After the half was over, Horace asked if anyone else wanted a ride, but no one agreed. While Horace was trying to find another rider, Gratunia stole the ball and slammed home a corner shot to make it 4-0. At this point, the looneyvania team started playing hide and seek with the fans. At one point they all ran off into the tunnel while the fans started to count to 213. About 147, Secour missed the ball that was being batted around on the pitch by the bemused Birds, and it trickled into the empty net, 5-0.

The Nest decided to forma huddle around the net just to be safe, and stay together as the fans became....lucid, chanting, doing a mass choreographed strip tease?! (oh my eyes...I wish I had been blinded.) The official, also noting the near chaos about to erupt, feared for his soul, and called the game with 17 minutes left to go, as it was obvious who had won. The Loonyvania team came out claiming they had won, but then someone realized they had won their game of hde and seek.

The Birds left quickly. They quickly boared the flight to Tadjikistan for a much more important game than the one in the loony bin.

MatchDay 1 Recap

The Nest had the only shutout of the day in Region 15, while Tadjikistan won a 1 goal game over Spurland, and Crystilakere wone 3-1 over Haperd.


MD1
Loonyvania 0 The Eagles Nest 5
Spurland 3 Tadjikistan 4
Haperd 1 Crystilakere 3



Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 1 1 0 0 5 0 5 3 30
2 Crystilakere 1 1 0 0 3 1 2 3 30
3 Tadjikistan 1 1 0 0 4 3 1 3 30
4 Spurland 1 0 0 1 3 4 -1 0 27
5 Haperd 1 0 0 1 1 3 -2 0 27
6 Loonyvania 1 0 0 1 0 5 -5 0 27


The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania Win 5-0
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland

Liverpool England Pulls Down Johhny's Big Pants - Johhny Big Pants 0 Liverpool England 2

In a match where Liverpool England's youngsters were allowed out to play, they easily tossed up and rolled aside newcomer Johhny Big Pants. Ha~e Hangila, Liverpool England coach, guaranteed that the impressive youngsters would definitely get more chances to play. Hangila said, "They will get their chance, at home to Johhny Big Pants and away at Northbank. These are the three key matches to let my first team rest."

In the match, Franklin Jimmy Alphonso, 17, got both goals courtesy of his head, both from Kelvin Granger's (16) corners.

Fixture List:
Qualification Fixtures
Matchday 1
Johhny Big Pants (Rank 200, Away) Win 2-0 [Alphonso (2 goals)]

Matchday 2
Spaam (Rank 19, Away)

Matchday 3
The Weegies (Rank 38, Home @ National Stadium)

Matchday 4
Lykaia (Rank 86, Away)

Matchday 5
Northbank (Rank 140, Home @ Grover's Park)

Matchday 6
Johhny Big Pants (Home @ Waterway Stadium)

Matchday 7
Spaam (Home @ National Stadium)

Matchday 8
The Weegies (Away)

Matchday 9
Lykaia (Home @ Oddslavo National)

Matchday 10
Northbank (Away)

Spaamanians use magnifying glasses, and not just for sex

Kaze Progressians and Insanicians have been working together to find out how Spaamanians can fit up to 300,000 people in one stadium. They have figured out a shocking secret, all Spaamanians are actually 2 inches tall and have been using a complex system of smoke and mirrors to deceive the world for years.

"It explains why they never went for headers...I thought it was just because they were nancy wusses."

Tigers win Difficult game!

Hardfought 3-4 win saves Tigers from humiliation

Spurland - The Tigers visited Spurland with the goal of bringing back points to Tadjikistan. They brought the 3 points but they had to fight for it. Spurland was very agressive in its approach and tried to draw or win, and they almost succeeded. Indeed Triandafillov warned us for this and prepared his team for the encounter, we are lucky to have him on our side.

An Early goal by Spurlands Alaau Morris changed the mood on the Tadjik bench, this opponent could not only score, they could take the lead. The only man on the bench that remained calm was Triandafillov, but then again that does not surprise us at all. It came as a releave when Pliiev broke through the Spurland defense in the 22th minute on the left side and scored in the right corner. The worried looks on the Tadjik faces didnt dissapear and Yakir, who was commentator for TTV didnt know what was happening, how did this opponent get the chance to score. Or how did they create that chance? He correctly informed the viewers that something was wrong and the Tigers should do better.

They did do better as the ever dangerous Cherniakhovskij finished off a gerat move by Terekhin, and score the goal that brought Tadjikistan into the leading position. The worried faces now changed into smiles, their favorite player did what he was good at, score!

The second goal made the Tigers more confident and that may have been a mistake, thinking they controlled the match. A misunderstanding in the Tadjik Defense brought Spurland into firing position. A chance they could not miss, Robert Yeats scored Spurlands second goal of the match. Yakirs had no mercy for the Tadjik defenders, they had made a serious mistake that could be very costly for Tadjikistan. They could think about it during the half time.

When the team entered the field for the second team, some things had changed. Danilov was brought in for Shaposhnikov. Was this replacement caused by the mistake he had made, coach and players did not comment it.
The second half started better then the first half. Eager to get the 3 points the Tigers did what they did best, lure on the sides and punish any openings that the opponents left.

Bagramian was first to exploit such an opening and passed the ball to Suvorov, who fought his way past a Spurland defender and brought the 2-3 on the scoreboard. The Tigers were not about to give their precious 3 points away. The reorganized defense stopped Spurlands attempts at scoring and recuperated the ball, then sent it back to the midfield. In the 78th minute the Tigers made it very clear that they wanted to win, as Cherniakhovskij finished the match by scoring a fourth Tadjik goal. A late goal by Spurland in the 88th minute could not change the situation and Tadjikistan won. The Tadjik fans cheered, but Triandafillov remained calm, he knew the team required extra training if it wanted to qualify for the World Cup. Another man who realized that was Yakir, he had seen an excellent Cheriakhovskij and a failing defense.

The Tigers would face their most dangerous opponent in their second match, The Eagle's Nest had already beaten Tadjikistan once on World Cup 15 with 2-0. A good chance to take revenge, offcourse the Tigers have to do better then this.

Spurland:
1. Bryan Robinson 2. Theo Buss 3. Paul Kelly 4. William Prince 5. Paul Campbell 6. Jack Davis 7. Martin Ricketts 8. Jackson 9. Peter Mannes 10. Robert Yeats 11. Alaau Morris

Tadjikistan: 1. Yashin 2. Aleinikov 3. Demianenko 4. Shaposhnikov 5. Gromov 7. Pliiev 8. Bagramian 9. Terekhin 10. Suvorov 11. Cherniakhovskij

Goals:
Morris 9"(1-0) Pliiev 22"(1-1) Yeats 30"(2-1) Cherniakhovskij 38"(2-2) Suvorov 52"(2-3) Cherniakhovskij 78"(2-4) Morris 88"(3-4)

Other matches in Group 15
Loonyvania 0 The Eagles Nest 5
Spurland 3 Tadjikistan 4
Haperd 1 Crystilakere 3


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 3 1 0 0 5: 0 5
2. Crystilakere 3 1 0 0 3: 1 2
3. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 0 4: 3 1
4. Spurland 0 0 0 1 3: 4 -1
5. Haperd 0 0 0 1 1: 3 -2
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 1 0: 5 -5


MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

NORTHBANK'S first ever World Cup match resulted in a footballing lesson and a defeat as the upstart Baptism of Fire semi-finalists were soundly beaten two-nil by heavyweight contenders Spaam.

The Invincibles certainly did not live up to their moniker, as two goals in the first half hour were enough for a Spaam side that never needed to get out of first gear.

Northbank's next game is against The Weegies, who also suffered defeat on MD1, at the hands of Lykaia. The Invincibles will be wanting a point in this one at least, but that is no mean feat.

Group 8 Standings
Region 8 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Liverpool England 3 1 0 0 2: 0 2
Spaam 3 1 0 0 2: 0 2
3. Lykaia 3 1 0 0 1: 0 1
4. The Weegies 0 0 0 1 0: 1 -1
5. Northbank 0 0 0 1 0: 2 -2
Johhny Big Pants 0 0 0 1 0: 2 -2

Games:
L 0-2 vs Spaam (H)
A vs The Weegies
H vs Lykaia
H vs JBP
A vs Liverpool England
A vs Spaam
H vs The Weegies
A vs Lykaia
A vs JBP
H vs Liverpool England

OOC - Info
found this in the tech forum

On tags and bumps:

No need to use 'em any more, folks.

Jolt has full keyword searching, unlike the author-only searching on the old forums, and you can also subscribe to threads. To do this, click on thread tools and then choose 'Subscribe to thread'.

The threads you have subscribed to will appear in a nice tidy list in your account profile, and you can refer to them at any time at your convenience.

So, in short, tags are obsolete, and also somewhat rude, as they spam up threads for no discernible gain. So are bumps. You can easily search for threads and even ensure you never have to search for them. So, try to kick the habit, kids.

(Menelmacar)

Crap Sports: Series Produced by DruidSport
No.4 - Ebon Hawk Football

The Daily Druid

GESSEMSCHMITTHAAGEN-FOUR
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on Ebon Hawk 1 NEWI Cefn Druids 5

New Druid managers Simon Greaves and Trevor Kallins got off to a great start in Ebon Hawk yesterday as they thrashed them by five goals to one in what was, for seventy minutes, a very dull game indeed.

The Druids scored from the kick off, as Trevor Belmore sneaked one over the Ebon Hawk keeper's head with just the second kick of the match. Then nothing. You'd have been better off going to see paint drying in the rain. But sure enough, as Trevor Law's arrival seemed imminent with twenty minutes to go, Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po decided to start playing. And boy, did he play. His first was simple enough from a Posters corner, for the other three, the Ebon Hawk players just seemed to give up as he charged at them, with or even without the ball. Goals came easily in the end for the Druids, who seemed to feel sorry for their opponents when Ron Lambealle gave Reg Garth in goal a seemingly easy backpass to deal with, only for him to look up to find Garth signing autographs for the Druid fans. But you can't moan with such a convincing win under your belt.

Final Score:
Ebon Hawk 1 [Lambealle o.g. 84]
NEWI Cefn Druids 5 [Belmore 4.9 seconds, Gessemschmitthaagen-Po 72, 75, 81, 86]


Matches so far...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids

...top scorers...

[4] Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po
[1] Trevor Belmore

...and still to come

Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids v Eauz
Matchday 3: Nominaen v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids v Creedence Cleawater
Matchday 5: Avenging Altos v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids v Ebon Hawk
Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.

OOC:

A figure shivers in a corner...his face the epitomy of fear...even of death itself...he mutters under his breath..."I...must...kick...the...habit..."

IC:

WORLD CUP 16 QUALIFYING COVERAGE:

Dead Man vs Giant Zucchini

Giant Zucchini Formation:

Plaat
Aargh Humm Faard Zurk
Kerrnigit Ppakkaddumm Woog (Poom) Gung
Urk Xcavabar (Furtermachter...)

Giant Zucchini starts off their qualifying campaign in style, Urk's hat-trick leaving Dead Man no answer to the Zucchinis' attacking rampage. The match started out pretty even, both sides causing problems early on. However, the tides turned when Xcavabar took a snapshot at the Dead Man goal. The ball was parried away, but Urk was there to tap in the first goal of the match. 15 minutes later, Dead Man levelled the score, a looping cross from the right wing headed in at the far post. The Zucchinis came back fighting in the second half, Urk smashing his drive against the post in the 55th minute. Dead Man didn't bow down, Plaat blocking excellently from a close range strike destined for the goal. However, the Zucchinis left it late, and in the 83rd minute, a Gung cross was turned in spectacularly by an in-form Urk. Dead Man had their last chance to turn the game around in the 89th minute, but the shot from the through ball was punched away from the area by Plaat, Kerrnigit launching a pinpoint long pass which Urk flicked into the air beyond the reach of an exasperated goalkeeper off his line to complete his hat-trick. Head Coach Mr Hurr, "I'm happy with the way the team played today. If we keep on playing like this, I am in no doubt we will qualify."


Final score:

Dead Man - 1
LM (37)

Giant Zucchini - 3
Urk (22, 83, 89)


Man of the Match: Urk

The Sarzonian national team treated their 2-2 draw against Jeruselem the way they would have treated a crushing loss: By just forgetting about it.

"We have already discussed where we went wrong that match and we already know what mistakes we made," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "At this point, we can't afford to dwell on two lost [standings] points and we have to focus on Minas Trith."

Despite their status as an unranked club, Minas Trith also earned one point for a draw in their opening match. That fact has Stars forward Anton Gregor concerned.

"They played ten men behind the ball for much of that match. They did everything to clog the midfield and prevent opposing forwards from getting the ball," Gregor said. "We also have to be ready in the event they try to foul our guys."

"We have to do a better job both offensively and defensively than we did against Jeruselem," midfielder and team captain Bobby Convey said. "We feel like we showed we belonged on this stage, but we didn't get it done when we had to. Now we have to play a team we should beat and if we don't get anything less than the [full] three [standings points], we're going to have a long road ahead of us."

"I've talked things over with [goalkeeper Troy] Perkins about their defense and about their forwards," forward Brian Wilson said. "We're all going to have to be responsible on the defensive side of the pitch and we're going to have to play Sarzonian football if we're going to be able to get the full three points."

Spurland Loose Out in 7 Goal Thriller
Manager Disappointed

Spurland nearly got a point out of their first ever World Cup Qualfying game afte narrowly loosing out by a single goal, the game ended 3-4 to . Alaau Morris opend the scoring with an early goal for the home side but the Tigers soon equalised in the 22nd minute through Pliiev.

The visitors soon took the lead with Cherniakhovskij finishing off a gerat move by Terekhin. The game was all Tadjikistan's after they took the lead but a defensive error allowed Spurland back into the game, Robert Yeats the scorer with an easy chance.

The score remaind tiet at 2-2 going into the secnd half. The Tigers made a substitution, the player coming off was the defender at fault for Spurlands second goal, Shaposhnikov. Suvorov gave the away team the lead and then sealed the win through Cherniakhovskij, scoring his second of the game. Spurland pulled one back in the 88th minute through captain Peter Mannes, but it was too little too late for the home team.

Final score: Spurland 3:4 Tadjikistan

Manager Morzaria commented after the game, "We could have atleast taken a point, I may decide to change things around for the game away against Crystilakere. Maybe replacing defender Paul Kelly with Daniel Brown.

"We scored three goals, thats a good sign, but we need to tighten up at the back."

Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 3 1 0 0 5: 0 5
2. Crystilakere 3 1 0 0 3: 1 2
3. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 0 4: 3 1
4. Spurland 0 0 0 1 3: 4 -1
5. Haperd 0 0 0 1 1: 3 -2
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 1 0: 5 -5


Qualification Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

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Vilita [4]-[0] Hazlia
[ Östling 9 : Banda 14,19,41 ]------------------ [ Östling 9, Banda 14,19,41 ]


Hazlia National Stadium, Motavilla, Hazlia
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..........For the first time since their disspointing exit during the World Cup 15 Group Stage in Eauz, The Vilita Jungle Cats Senior Side stepped out in full force for international competition. The starting lineup did, however, include Serge DuPont, Umberto Melli, and Debutant Jaloey Afrikka at Center Back, all who had competed for the Under 21's in their equally dissapointing u21 World Cup 4 Campaign. Without having the extensive Cup of Harmony to fall back on, a Mixture of Senior and Youth players flew to Cockbill Street to participate in the IRC Invitational Tournament. The Jungle Cats Managed to accrue 3 Wins against hosts Cockbill Street, and Bitter Rivals The Lowlands Clans and Starblaydia, to overshadow the 1-0 losses to Regional Rivals NEWI Cefn Druids and the Always favored Rejistania. The always undervalued Jim Vella starred in the victory over fierce Regional Rivals starblaydia, netting his first International goal since the 1-1 Draw with Grays Athletic.

..........The team arrived in Hazlia Two Weeks prior to the match, giving the team time to settle in, get used to the atmosphere and relax in the Hazlian sun. Coach Vilkaus named the Starting squad 48 early, so as to allow any travelling Vilitans to know that usually starters Germán Salomón and Danilo Liguori would not be featuring at all in the match, instead being rested ahead of the crucial Audioslavian matchday 2 fixture. None of the Hazlia players were known by coach Vilkaus or any of the Jungle Cat coaching staff prior to arriving in Hazlia, but they tried their best to acquire any information possible from the locals.

..........One tidy piece of information picked up by the experienced Baron O'Toole about the Hazlian Left Back proved invaluable just 9 minutes in when Alexander Östling was able to easily outpace the bulky Hazlian, then rifled a well placed effort into the far corner of the Hazlian net, putting the Jungle Cats off to a flying 1-0 start. The Hazlian Left Back looked extra sensitive of letting the first goal on his pace, or lack of it, and stepped up his game well to break up a nice move be Jonathon Stott that looked to have sent Serge DuPont free down the left. On the ensuing corner, however, Santo Kecker's textbook delivery was met cleanly by All-Time Vilitan Top Goal Scorer Callum Banda, who left the Hazlia keeper with no chance in firing home his 21st Career Senior goal. The quick goal seemed to affect the entire Hazlia lineup, and just 5 minutes later, Banda was able to further the Jungle Cat advantage. After being fed through by goalscorer Östling, Banda looked to be playing games as he rounded the keeper and slotted home for his second of the match.

..........The Vilitan onslaught would end there, although Massimo Corsi had nothing to do in the Jungle Cat goal, the ball spending the majority of the next 20 minutes in the midfield. However, as Hazlia looked to regroup, Banda stole in from nothing, outpacedthe Hazlia bank line and made no mistake with his final touch, recording the first ever Vilitan Senior International Hattrick, and his 23rd Senior International tally. The only previous Hattrick in a Jungle Cat uniform was recorded just prior to the start of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers by Serge DuPont in an u21 Friendly against Raptor Claw. DuPont's feat, however, was not a "Natural" hat-trick of goals as Calaesa Mitaroka added his name to the scoresheet between DuPont's 1st and 2nd on that day. The Jungle Cats went into the half easily the dominant side with the 4-0 lead.

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GK:: Massimo Corsi
D:: Jaloey Afrikka
D:: Enzo Ahat >> (63)
D:: Giacomo Adika
DMC:: Jürgen Ramzi >> (45)
ML:: Santo Kecker
MC:: Umberto Melli
MC:: Alexander Östling
MR:: Jonathon Stott
FC:: Serge Dupont
FC:: Callum Banda >> (60)
--------------------------SUBS
FC:: Hluali Mijatos
FC:: Jim Vella << (60)
M:: Jonathon Baledrokadroka << (45)
M:: Calaesa Mitaroka
U:: Antonis Ratuva << (63)
D:: Esemar Aliana
GK:: Jimmy Kater

..........After some begging and pleading by Banda at the half, Coach Helmut Vilkaus decided to not go ahead with the pre-planned substitution of Hluali Mijatos being introduced for the Jungle Cats top scorer for the second 45 minutes, as the Marine Coast Striker wanted more time to go after an unprecedented 4th goal. Vilkaus and Mijatos agreed that Banda would have until the hour to get his goal. However, Jonathon Baledrokadroka was introduced, in place of Jürgen Ramzi, the pair also on a pre-planned substitution schedule so each would have 45 minutes of warmup for the match against Audioslavia.

..........The introduction of Baledrokadroka seemed to hurt the Jungle Cats, as the more defensive style of Ramzi was lost and the Hazlian Attack was able to run a bit more freely, even getting a long shot on, rustling Corsi's feathers abit 10 minutes after the half. Simultaniously, Tivali City's Hluali Mijatos began warming up to the excitement of the Vilitan support, eager to see the 19 year old in action for the first time on the Senior level. As the hour approached, Vilkaus called Mijatos over for some last minute instructions. Unfortunately, Mijatos and the Hazlian Water Buffalo mascot were travelling on two different wavelengths. The oversized Buffalo swung around as Mijatos was in mid-stride, accidentally causing the young striker to lose his footing and crash head first into the plexi-glassed dugout. Mijatos stood up, with all eyes now focussed away from the match, and attempted to trot away. Unable to put any pressure on his left leg, Mijatos crouched to the floor and awaited attention from the physio. While the head first dive into the dugout left the World Cup newcomer with a dented conscience, it was his unlucky landing ontop of an exposed water sprinkler that left the dent in his knee, and his first international cap. Experienced striker Jim Vella, Banda's regular teammate at Marine Coast United, quickly readied himself, and Banda shook hands with his teammate on the way off the pitch to the ecstatic cheers of the Jungle Cat Support.

..........Vilkaus quickly altered his match plans, and just 3 minutes later sent Declasse Division starlet Antonis Ratuva on for his first ever Senior International Appearance, in place of the ever-present Enzo Ahat. Ratuva, a less known player from Jlinal Wanderers, the new local rivals for Stellar Division's Jlinal Cove, did not receive the same reception that Mijatos was set to hear, however it was apparent that many supporters were anxious to see the debutant utility player in action. Ratuva's impact was small throughout his less than 30 minutes of action, however he did make a crucial intervention with the last touch of the game to clear a potentially dangerous Hazlia cross, before Oglethorpian referee blew to end World Cup 16 Qualifying matchday 1, a 4-0 Victory for the Jungle Cats.

Vilita National World Cup 16 Final Results Predictions ::
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QUALIFYING GROUPS:
:: :: :: GROUP 1 :: :: :: GROUP 6 :: :: :: GROUP 11

Kaze Progressa Audioslavia Eauz
Gesamtkuntswerk Vilita NEWI Cefn Druids
---- ---- ----
Oceaice Raptor Claw Avenging Altos
Dennisov The Redavic Union Creedence Clearwater
Kylaai Adrasuvare Ebon Hawk
Fawcett City Hazlia Nominaen :: :: :: GROUP 2 :: :: :: GROUP 7 :: :: :: GROUP 12

Oglethorpia Lemmitania Squornshelous
Europa Brittania The Lowland Clans Nikea
---- ---- ----
Magnus Valerius The Evil Umpire Krytenia
EL CID THE HERO Oddslavo NASTIC 2
Artoonia Terenia The Water Cooler
Bluesonia Taokoualu The Gulf States :: :: :: GROUP 3 :: :: :: GROUP 8 :: :: :: GROUP 13

Snub Nose 38 Spaam Kingsford
Melmond The Weegies Giant Zucchini
---- ---- ----
Oaker Liverpool England Turori
Svecia Lykaia Wella
HypercapitaliZm Northbank Dead Man
Cirdanistan Johhny Big Pants Largemanistan :: :: :: GROUP 4 :: :: :: GROUP 9 :: :: :: GROUP 14

Bedistan Tanah Burung Commerce Heights
Halfassedstates Sarzonia Cockbill Street
---- ---- ----
Ineptia Jeruselem Starblaydia
Aquilla Lovisa Iansisle
Anitram New Cyprus Slaikau
ASSKICKEN Minas Trith Soccer Hooliganism :: :: :: GROUP 5 :: :: :: GROUP 10 :: :: :: GROUP 15

One Red Dot TnU Insanity Tadjikistan
Mattigool T.Belmore Family The Eagles Nest
---- ---- ----
Kerla Ravenspire Crystilakere
Tasty Toast Ruslana Spurland
Larkinia West Pacific Haperd
Zangara Turnia LoonyvaniaFINAL 32:
Audioslavia, Bedistan, Brazillico, Cockbill Street, Commerce Heights, Eauz, Europa Brittania, Gesamtkuntswerk, Giant Zucchini, Halfassedstates, Kaze Progressa, Kingsford, Lemmitania, Mattigool, Melmond, NEWI Cefn Druids, Nikea, Oglethorpia, One Red Dot, Rejistania, Sarzonia, Snub Nose 38, Spaam, Squornshelous, Tadjikistan, Tanah Burung, The Belmore Family, The Eagles Nest, The Lowland Clans, The Weegies, Total n Utter Insanity, Vilita QUARTER FINALISTS
Audioslavia, Bedistan, Eauz, Europa Brittania, Giant Zucchini, Melmond, Rejistania, Spaam

World Cup 16 Champion:

:| Spaam |:


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

Most Impressive Peformance :: Sarzonia
Least Impressive Peformance :: Liverpool England
Most Points (Group Stage) :: Snub Nose 38
Least Points (Group Stage) :: Loonyvania
Most Exciting Group (Battle) :: Group 5
Least Exciting Group :: Group 2


OOC: Is it just me or are the [ code ] boxes a lot bigger on jolt than on NS?



Vilita Starting Lineup vs. Audioslavia
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..........After an impressive performance against newcomers Hazlia, Jaloey Afrikka beats out first team regular Danilo Liguori for the 3rd defensive starting role. Liguori, who missed out entirely against Hazlia, takes Esemar Aliana's place on the bench. Germán Salomón comes back from sitting out the Hazlia match, while Serge DuPont returns to the bench. Tivali City youngster Hluali Mijatos misses out after being unable to overcome injuries sustained in a freak accident with a Hazlian Water Buffalo. Marine Coast United's youngster Malovar Stokks gets the utility role on the substitutes bench.

The Jungle Cats have never before come up against the Audioslavian national team, who opened their World Cup 16 Qualifying campaign with a 6-0 thewapping of Debutant side Adrasuvare, to move them 2 goals clear of Vilita at the top of the Group 6 table. The only other Group 6 matchup on MD1 took place in the Redavic Union, where the hosts edged out Raptor Claw by a 1-0 scoreline.



VILITA JUNGLE CATS v. Audioslavia
-----------------------LINEUP---

GK:: Massimo Corsi
D:: Jaloey Afrikka
D:: Enzo Ahat
D:: Giacomo Adika
DM:: Jürgen Ramzi
MC:: Santo Kecker
MC:: Umberto Melli
MC:: Alexander Östling
MR:: Jonathon Stott
FC:: Germán Salomón
FC:: Callum Banda
-----------------SUBS
FC:: Serge DuPont
FC:: Jim Vella
M:: Jonathon Baledrokadroka
M:: Calaesa Mitaroka
U:: Malovar Stokks
D:: Danilo Liguori
GK:: Jimmy Kater


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Matches & Venues:

M01:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare
M04:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

Svecia 3 HypercapitaliZm 1
HARDCORE ROAD WIN
HypercapitaliZm self-destructs as Svecia take home 3 points

HypercapitaliZm - A win on the road is always good, especially to start off a World Cup qualifying campaign. And especially when it was such an easy win.

Despite the 3-1 scoreline, Svecia should have had a clean slate. The Hyper goal came off their only corner kick of the match as Mehmet Bayern made a rookie's mistake and failed to clear the ball out quickly. Unfortunately Hyper took advantage and slotted the ball into the bottom corner.

But on the other end of the pitch, HypercapitaliZm had multiple problems on defense. Not only did they allow 9 shots on goal out of a total of 21 shots, but two of the Svecia goals were a one-on-one against the keeper after beautiful through balls. The other goal was off a free kick a yard outside the penalty area after a sloppy tackle on Hanan Belagt. Belagt took the kick and curled it over the wall into the top right corner of the net. The keeper didn't even move on the play.

The biggest surprise yesterday, though, was not in HypercapitaliZm but in Oaker, as the hosts trounced Melmond 3-0. And the other game in region 3 was even more lopsided as Snub Nose defeated Cirdanistan 5-0.

Jeruselem Government News

Jude! Where's that goal

New member of Jeruselem senior team Sans Jude scored twice to help his team draw 2-2 with Sarzonia. With David Becks and some of the World Cup XV members retired, the new generation from last years U21s and some unexpected call-ups are taking up the World Cup crusade.

The young Jeruselem defense failed with Sarzonia scoring first but via a dubious free kick from some creative acting. Jude who was called up to replace Becks proved his value scoring the next two goals from classic Jeruselem positional plays set up by precision passing. Sarzonia ensured the points were shared with the last goal due to slack marking.

Sarzonia 2 (<Someone> 16, <Someone> 78)
Jeruselem 2 (Jude 40, 56)

[SIZE=3]Jude! Where's that goalJeruselem 2 (Jude 40, 56)

[OOC: I already posted a match report. In it, Jeruselem gets the late goal. Use that as a template please. And I identified my goalscoring players in that post.

Nice headline, BTW.]

Jeruselem Government News

Jude! Where's that goal

New member of Jeruselem senior team Sans Jude scored twice to help his team draw 2-2 with Sarzonia. With David Becks and some of the World Cup XV members retired, the new generation from last years U21s and some unexpected call-ups are taking up the World Cup crusade.

The young Jeruselem defense failed with Sarzonia scoring first but via a dubious free kick from some creative acting. Jude who was called up to replace Becks proved his value scoring the next two goals from classic Jeruselem positional plays set up by precision passing. Sarzonia ensured the points were shared with the last goal due to slack marking.

Sarzonia 2 (<Someone> 16, <Someone> 78)
Jeruselem 2 (Jude 40, 56)

The Nation of Sarzonia has a Roster Posted, and as the Regional FA Representative I would encourage that the next time you RP a result you may wish to consider that your opponents have given you the unforced respect of spending their time posting a roster so you can better RP the match. By simply resorting to putting <Someone> as the goalscorer in a match where the opponent has not only posted a roster, but a detailed chart with ages, clubs, history and biography information shows no return respect from your part. Hopefully you will take note of the Roster thread before your next RP.

Sincerely, Regional FA Representative

Selif Xeht

From the pages of
The Red Dot Controversialia

ZANGARA - The Wolves kicked off the start of the cup with a grand display of goals taken with ease - like candy from a baby. The Zangaran defence crumbled easily under the power being pushed forward from their opposition - us. Within the seemingly short 90 minutes, which felt rather long for them, the Dottian players easily slammed 4 goals into the goal, ending the match in 4-0. This brings the Wolves to the very top of the table.

In other group news, Mattigool surprisingly failed to show us the same spirit they had in their previous escapades, and was rolled over by Larkinia, 0-3. The same goes for Kerla too, who were spread thin by Tasty Toast, 0-2.

In regional news, Giant Zucchini defeated Dead Man 3-1 and it 2nd in their group.

The next match is against Mattigool - would the Wolves keep the pace started from their first victory, or would Mattigool finally rise to earn a win for themselves? We'd rather the former, thanks!

Opening day blitz!

Coming off the back of their worst WC performance in memory, the Hurricanes new they couldn't afford an early slip-up in the shorter qualification stage. With a tough game against Bedistan coming up second, Chuck Mitchell new that his charges needed a good result against Anitram. Boy did they get it!

The Halfassed curse, they have only won 1 of the last 8 opening games in qualification, was well and truely smashed with a 5-0 win. The stadium was packed to the rafters, many local sports fans paying thousands of Anitram dollars for a ticket to the game. While there was some sublime football on show, unfortunatly for most of the fans, it was the Hurricanes who were playing it.

It was the vetren Kelly Woods who opened the scoring, latching on to a through ball from Bell and sliding the ball past the oncoming keeper into the bottom corner. 10 minutes later, Ya got in on the act and made it two. Young Nigel White broke clear on the left and crossed the ball in to the back post. The ball just eluded the stretching keeper, and Ya was able to touch it home from a couple of yards out. 2-0 up after 30 mins must have felt good for Mitchell and the Hurricanes coaching staff, but it got even better on the stroke of half-time, as Ya grabbed another. Ze Bulliao spun away from his marker and layed the ball off for Bell. His shot was parried by the keeper and Ya reacted quickiest to knock it in.

Straight after the re-start, Bell returned the favour for Ze Bulliao. After tackling and winning the ball, the Halfassed captain progressed towards the Anitram box. Drawing the defender, he slipped a pass to Ze Bulliao who hit a thundering shot from 25 yards that slammed into the back of the net. After that, Mitchell began to plan for the Bedistani match, taking off Ya, Bell and Sleet and bringing on David, Crooks and Bowman with Woods taking over the captaincy. The youngsters were eager to impress on their debuts, and it was Bryan David, the nephew of goalkeeper James, who completed the rout. White again broke clear down the wing. Woods cleverly dummied his cut back and Daivd was on-hand to place the ball beyond the keeper into the net. There was still just enough time for another of the substitutes to get noticed. Bowman got himself booked in the dying minutes with a needless challenge. It was however, just about the only bad thing for the Hurricanes in the match.

Final Score: Anitram 0 Halfassed 5

Despite the resounding win, Halfassed are second in the group on goal difference, Bedistan having thumped 7 (yes seven) past Asskicken.

Unfortunatly for the Hurricanes, the Lions are visiting Halfassed for the next game. Somehow I don't think either side will have it as easy in the next fixture!

Le LIBRE

Les Bleus appeared to be playing at Home

Qualifying for World Cup 16 started yesterday and for the 90 teams hoping to secure a qualifying spot, Match Day one would be a key match to win, proving from the past that one game can make or break your chances. For Les Bleus, they were playing in Nominean to kick off the first match day for them.

The Young Eauz team was led out onto the field by the only experienced player on the roster of Joseuf. The team was ready to battle an inexperienced team to the world cup qualifying round. In net for Les Bleus was Michël Rousoi who was backup for Yeuseuv in the last cup, before Yeuseuv decided to retire.

The inexperienced Eauz team started off the cup trying to get a hold of how to play properly with each other. This was the time to figure this out, as they were up against an inexperienced team. It didn’t take long for Les Bleus to be playing like Les Bleus of the past. During the 16th minute of play, Forward Eric Bloc got a hold of the ball in front of the net, putting it past the keeper. Les Bleus went up 1 – 0 early. Almost 10 minutes later, Les Bleus were on the attack again as Forward Bernard Chibon sent a long kick on goal, which was deflected off a defender and into the net. The scoring didn’t stop in the first half until the 32nd minute, and I’m sure Les Bleus would have kept on scoring if the first half didn’t end. By the end of the first half, Les Bleus were up by a score of 3 – 0.

Queue the come back, unfortunately, it never came, as Rousoi stood strong, fending off only a few shots during the whole match. Goals started to flood in for Les Bleus as they were awarded a free kick on a cheap shot by the Nominaen defence. In response, Joseuf steped up to the challenge and puts it into the net, unlike David Beckham during Euro 2004. Les Bleus found themselves up 4 – 0, as the coach for Les Bleus wonders where the other team is. With a comfortable lead of 4 – 0, the coach substituted in for Joseuf and a few other players to get them ready for match day 2 and 3 against tougher teams. With the subs in, the goals didn’t stop, as two quick goals during the 77th and 78th minute were scored. Bloc found himself his second goal of the match, as the discouraged and mentally fatigued Nominaen team found out what it is like to play against a top ranked team.

As for Les Bleus, this match was a mental booster for the soul reason that they had never played an important match together, because of all the retired players. Many expected Les Bleus to flop on their face, but with a strong showing today, Les Bleus could be on their way to another bid to the finals.

The next match for Eauz will come against one of the few teams which could give Eauz trouble. NEWI has proven it is ready to compete for the cup, and went deep in world cup 15 only to be defeated by Eauz. Look for a well played match. Les Bleus though will have to hope they showed up just as they did today, and not as the inexperienced team everyone thinks they are.



Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Eauz 3 1 0 0 6: 0 6
2. NEWI Cefn Druids 3 1 0 0 5: 1 4
3. Creedence Clearwater 3 1 0 0 2: 1 1
4. Avenging Altos 0 0 0 1 1: 2 -1
5. Ebon Hawk 0 0 0 1 1: 5 -4
6. Nominaen 0 0 0 1 0: 6 -6



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 6 – 0
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Econ Hawks

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

OGLETHORPIA WINS 4-NIL!
...against novice-first time World Cup side

By Bill Christmas

BLUESONIA (BT) -- Oglethorpia got off to a spectacular start in World Cup 16 qualifying after full-time closed with the squad claiming a 4-nil victory. Unfortunately, it was against 170th-ranked Bluesonia -- sporting a novice team playing their first World Cup. Oglethorpia faced the inexperienced squad on their home ground; and even with the skill of the Oglethorpian squad in a diminished capacity, was ready to soundly defeat the Bluesonians.

Ruben van Mistletoe started things off for Oglethorpia, easily lobbing one past the Bluesonian keeper.

Only minutes later, the Bluesonian keeper would be taken off field after a bout with a number of epileptic seizures; on-field. During that time, van Mistletoe would score his second; on a goalkeeper incapacitated by uncontrollable bodily vibration.

"Whatever it takes," van Mistletoe would later say to reporters.

Oglethorpia would earn an inadvertant goal in the early minutes of the second half, when the Bluesonian squad failed to realize that their respective sides had switched goals.

Shortly after the Bluesonian manager had cleared up which side the team would be playing to, Hjortur Green would put a fourth goal up on the board for Oglethorpia off of a corner kick; sailing right in past unaware defenders.

In the end, the Bluesonian manager's attempts to tell his team which goal to score on would all come to naught; as they failed to even score one goal against Henry Louis-Charleston White in goal for Oglethorpia.

Commented White after the match, "I had not even seen a Bluesonian player even come past midfield."

Next match, Oglethorpia takes on top-seed and group powerhouse Europa Brittania, 7th ranked in the world. Oglethorpia will be playing host to the tallented Brittanian side at home in Amalgamated Stadium.

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 4 (R. van Mistletoe 13th, 34th, Bluesonian Strkr 49th (OG), H. Green 65th)
Bluesonia - 0

Ians Kick Off Season!]

Clad in their new green, white, and red kits, the new Ians took to the pitch as majestically as if they had never left. John Copplestone has picked, in the opinion of the Star-Tribune, a winning side this year and his star-studded coaching roster certainly can’t hurt.

Brian Lyon led the attack in grand style, scoring early on for the Ians’ first goal of qualifying. He continued to dominate the attack, assisting Geoffrey Fletcher, who now plays for a FC in Melmond, in a second goal just moments later.

While the strikers certainly aren’t as talented as the Truman-Lyon-Ravenhill combination of Iansisle’s sole World Cup appearance, they are solid. Also, the defense has looked to improve under the tutelage of Conrad Brandt. Famed Ians goalkeeper Benny Answorth is also working with Evan Gates, the new keeper, and has drastically improved the talented youngster’s performance.

However, the first game of Qualifying continues to be marred by libel in the Starblaydi press - and not even about the Ians, at that. Their continued fixation on the existence of some obviously fictional Fifth Don Cherry Cup - when we ALL know there hasn’t been one played since the Fourth - is beginning to wear thin on nerves at the Department of Sports, Games, and Recreation.

“It was all fun and games the first time we heard it,” said Director Sir Gregory Penns-McCormick, “but it’s really old hat now. I’ve just spoken with Steve Martinson, the Gulls’ general manager and coach, and he assures me that they - the Gulls, that is - haven’t played a single international match since the last game against Eizen. Now may we please talk about the Ians?”

Gulls captain and center B.J. MacPherson was also reached while on holiday skinny-dipping in the ice-ridden rivers of Noropia. “Don’t know what they’re so on about,” he said casually, toweling off. “Excepting domestic matches, I haven’t played a single ice-minute, and I’m sure none of my teammates have either. Bunch of crazies and delusionals they are, if you ask me. Good show, the Ians beating them.”

Whatever the debate, the Ians are looking good starting off the latest World Cup qualifiers.

Football Slanination
Voodoo Dice Falls Into Wrong Hands
By Zuke O’Kenzie of the O’Connor Times

OAKER—It was a very beautiful day at Oaker’s national stadium as it was sunny and 24 degrees Celsius with a gentle breeze; a perfect day for a picnic as well as football match. The Melmond National Team knew that the match against Oaker won’t be a picnic as Oaker has the reputation of hanging tough with every team they play. The Under-a-Cheevers knew that this would be a deceptively tough match, but they had no idea what was ahead of them.
The first half was quite honestly a dull scoreless affair. It was the kind of first half that would prove the naysayers of football, those that say that there is no scoring and the sport is extremely dull correct. So we will not report anything from that half and prepare you for the wacky and very painful second half with a history lesson of the Melmond National Team.
It is just now that football is entering the first tier of Melmondian sport, but even as a second tier sport, the Melmond National Team always had high expectations as in every qualifying campaign the team is expected to qualify. In its first campaign, the Fearless Farmers were made up of a team of players who finally have had the chance to play professionally in Melmond after being stuck in scattered semi-pro leagues around the nation. They were managed by a man who was the only link between Melmond and the international football world, Felix Coostatlwak, a man who usually makes good teams great. Considering the experience level this side and the tough group put in which included the rejuvenated Svecia and Ravenspire, perennial powers Kingsford and Tanah Burung, and then up-and-coming Stalag 5; a sixth place finish was rather respectable.
And then Melmond was awarded the right to host the Cup of Harmony and the Melmond Press surprised many people as they chose Eauz to win World Cup 13. Around this time, an invention was made by some rogue Melmond fans, voodoo dice. These dice are able to do strange things in matches and will affect the outcome of each match. The voodoo dice hit open market in Melmond and became very popular in effecting outcomes in many sports, but where it was most effective was international football, where Melmond had it and nobody else. The power of the voodoo dice was enough to bring Melmond its first Cup of Harmony title. Many people in Melmond put millions of wong on Eauz to win the World Cup in various betting parlors around the world and they cleaned up as the voodoo dice assisted Eauz in winning their improbable first World Cup. Melmondians celebrated by taking an ill-advised vacation to Costa Lot, where they were ripped off. One person left their voodoo dice in Costa Lot, and The Evil Umpire was able to win a multination battle for the voodoo dice, but they are too stupid to figure out how to use it. After the existence of the voodoo dice was reported by an Insancian newspaper, many Melmond fans made a vow to stop using it.
However, the karma of the early voodoo dice success came around our Fearless Farmers. As the team got more talented, experienced, and still put in maximum efforts, the darndest happenings hurt the Fearless Farmers. They went on an unprecedented slump which found them in last place in their qualifying group around the halfway point of World Cup 14 qualifying, they then went on a streak of 10 plus matches without a loss, but yet did not qualify for the World Cup. World Cup 15 was by far a bigger disappointment, as the side was called the “Team of Destiny.” It was the year that all the first generation of Melmond football and legendary manager Felix Coostatlwak finally saw their host nation in the World Cup. It looked as if it was going to happen as Melmond was in very good shape to get third place in their group. However, typogate happened as The Eagles Nest misprinted a key score in our hopes. It was announced in the middle of the Turnia match, and as goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm heard the news, he was so irate that he failed to notice that his defender passed the ball back to him, the ball becoming the own goal which gave Turnia the victory and Melmond another kick out to the Cup of Harmony. With all these disappointments, the national team was forced to surrender its Fearless Farmers moniker temporarily and take the moniker “Under-a-Cheevers” as a reminder of their inability to recover from the horrible luck of the Melmond side.
As for the voodoo dice, around the beginning of World Cup 15, wizards of white magic in Melmond started using a spell which turned dice and voodoo dice to a very delicious treat. It was test marketed all across Melmond as well as Kingsford and was a rousing success. Then a worldwide spell was casted to turn all dice and voodoo dice into this delicious treat. As we see in the second half, someone must have bought a delicious box of voodoo dice and broke the spell.
At the 51st minute of the second half, goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm started smoking. However, the day wasn’t that hot, he didn’t have a cigarette, and he isn’t a vampire or any undead creature. He just started to smoke and eventually he caught on fire. He started to stop, drop, and roll to put himself out. Around that time, Oaker striker Flash Oaker makes a shot attempt as Xtfuinxm was trying to put the fire out. It gets in the net and Oaker takes the 1-nil lead. Xtfuinxm had to be replaced by Gina Unne.
After the Larch goal, Manager Gerry Cheevers started having defender Trav Strachan mark Oaker striker Flash Oaker as Strachan has the reputation of being able to shut down the other side’s best striker. However, around the 77th minute, Strachan seemed to be doing a funny dance or possibly a silly walk. What it actually was is frequent and random sharp pains around all of his body. He writhed in pain as Flash Oaker was able to dribble past him and easily kick the ball past goalkeeper Gina Unne, who was basically left hung out to dry. As he was carried off the field, Strachan still twitched in agony. Veteran defender Phael Survigosis was put in the match in his place.
The Melmond attack suffered greatly as well, especially Chris Owen. Whenever he was in position for an easy header goal, his head shrunk and he would either deflect it the wrong way or miss completely. After numerous head shrinkings, Owen got very dizzy and had a killer headache. Melmond had to use their last substitution and put striker Mornakh the Bloody Handed in the match. It didn’t matter as Oaker striker Flash Oaker would get his hat trick after a Matrix-like kick in midair at injury time. Melmond gets blown out and proves why they are the Under-a-Cheevers.

Goals
Fl. Oaker, OAK 51st
Fl. Oaker, OAK 77th
Fl. Oaker, OAK 90th

Cards
None

Standings

Other Group 3 Results
Cirdanistan 0 – Snub Nose 38 5
HypercapitaliZm 1 – Svecia 3

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 0 5:0 5
2. Oaker 3 1 0 0 3:0 3
3. Svecia 3 1 0 0 3:1 2
4. HypercapitaliZm 0 0 0 1 1:3 -2
5. Melmond 0 0 0 1 0:3 -3
6. Cirdanistan 0 0 0 1 0:5 -5

Team Stats
Goals: None
Cards: None

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor)
@ Snub Nose 38
@ Svecia
@ Cirdanistan
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
vs. HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor)

It was once said that one should always look on the bright side of life. We will make an attempt here, but a loss or even a tie against HypercapitaliZm in Melmond will have fans calling for Cheevers’ head. Anyway Melmond is known for recovering from slow starts as they went on a 10 plus streak of matches without a loss after being in last place on Matchday 8 for World Cup 14 qualifying. And in the last two Cups of Harmony, Melmond recovered from dismal matches to come inches away from medaling. Anyway this is only one match, and the Under-a-Cheevers and their faithful should be fired up for this match as it is the first intraregional match ever for the Melmond National Team. There are three injuries for Melmond to report, goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm has first and second degree burns, defender Trav Strachan is still recovering from the sharp twitches of pain, and striker Chris Owen has been having major migraines. They will all have to sit out this match and hopefully a CUR3 spell and some rest can bring them right back into the action.

GK- Gina Unne
D- Jonsi Torrini
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Phael Survigosis
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Rainy Zoulthane
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Mornakh the Bloody Handed
F- Naol Keelafin

Makinshakes Stadium
Location: O'Connor, Melmond
Seats: 60,217 (Open Air)

The city of O’Connor is Melmond’s fourth largest city. It is the big city hub which is smack dab in the middle of the Melmondian fertile plain. O’Connor is also the heart of the largest industry in Melmond, the book publishing industry. However, it was Melmondian fast food giant Makinshakes who bought the naming rights of this new football-specific stadium. It is a very versatile stadium which can host things from hockey games or a regional favorite like American football. Football is its number one client however as O’Connor Greens of the Melmond Premier League calls the stadium home. This stadium doesn’t have some of the fancy amenities new stadiums like Melmond Bowl and Microcosm Football Colossuseum have, all it has in technology is a jumbotron, but it has a blue-collar beauty to it that the people of O’Connor love to call their own. Of course, having Makinshakes being the sponsor of the stadium, expect good food at the concession stands as well as the famous sandwich of O’Connor, the Big O. It is also said that the city of O’Connor has one of the most beautiful skies In Melmond. Many tickets still available and some uber-cheap on mBay.

The Daily Indoctrinator
Oddslavo beats The Evil Umpire 2-1

Our giant, take no gruff umpires were too freakin fat to sit on the Oddslavans. The tea bags were not able to trip them so the umpires can sit on them.

Coach Bryan Marshall shook his head gravely. Vilita's predictions indicated the fourth seeded Sarzonian national team was being predicted to advance in their first-ever World Cup qualifying campaign and be the "most impressive performance" of the World Cup.

"That's the last thing we wanted to see," Marshall said. "That paints a big fat target on our backs. We go from being a possible underdog to being considered a favorite. We've got three teams that are ranked higher than us in this group. That can only hinder our chances."

Team officials point to the "march of death" where the Stars face the two high seeds in the final two matches of World Cup qualifying as keys to the side's chances of advancing to the round of 32.

"That's most likely going to be our season right there," a team scout said. "If we're going to make that prediction come true, it's going to have to be there in front of hostile crowds."

"We can't worry what other people are going to say about us," forward Brian Wilson said. "We have to get out there and work harder than anyone else to get to where we want to be, and that's in the World Cup finals."

ooc sorry for not being active i have been away since until last night it looks like i just missed melmonds RP if you want to update it with this information you can but its ok if you dont

Oaker Sharks

Stadium: Pinealla International Stadium

Roster:

Martin Oaker (GK), Carrin Oaker (GK), Stef Oaker (D), Gray Oaker (D), Todd Oaker (D), Lenny Oaker (D), Tabby Oaker (D), Scott Oaker (M) Freddy Oaker (M), Sport Oaker (M), Venus Oaker (M), Arthin Oaker (M), Kelvin Oaker (M), Vincey Oaker (M), Flash Oaker (F), Tip Oaker (F), Cats Oaker (F), Pond Oaker (F)



Anyway, since I was the late one, I will simply replace "Larch" with "Flash" and note the following.


A late first time flurry of goals from Oaker striker Flash saw the Sharks win their first world cup match of the new season. Flash displayed his many skills in surprising pundits around the world when he caught the Melmond eleven off their guard to put the underdogs ahead. A Melmond comeback was still on the cards until the 77th minute, when Flash again took advantage of unlucky melmond, world class defender Trav Strachan pulled up injured while turning to keep pace with Flash, leaving the sharks goalscorer in the clear to double the sharks advantage. As the match wound down, the atmosphere in Oaker was electric, as the fans sensed one of the biggest upsets in the nations brief sporting history. And flash capped off the memorable night brilliantly in stoppage time, with an acrobatic 3rd goal from almost nothing that Oaker fans will remember for all their lives, as the final whistle blew and the fans stormed the pitch of the Pinealla International Stadium.


The next match for the sharks will be against Cirdanistan. The match will also be held at Pinealla International Stadium. Oaker fans are riding high after their victory over Oaker which leaves them in second overall, the final qualification spot in group 3, although after just one matchday. However, with group leaders snub nose 38 facing Svecia, Oaker can take the top spot in the group with a victory over Cirdanistan.

Headlines

In related news, Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have increased 963% since the victory over Melmond. The purple, white and red of Oaker has been flying off the shelves, fans from as far away as Ianisle and Oglethorpia have been calling in to the Oaker Shop and placing their orders for "FLASH 17", and the strikers fame has earned him a place on the new local reality show "Oaker Stars take a Bath" where local celebrities from famous Hockey Player Izewack Oaker to Newscaster Bulzyit Oaker will all be thrown naked into a hot tub. The longer they last in the tub, the more objects will be thrown into the tub, from flying fish to purple skin die, which does not wash off, but does wear off after approximately 5 weeks of natural exposure. The last celebrity in the tub wins Ox/10.000.000 for a charity of their choice.



Thats all from Oaker today, tune in tomorrow for a report on the match against Cirdanistan!

So just how did Chuck Mitchell end up with the Hurricanes?

Ever since HFA Chairman, Peter Parks, stepped into the press conference room just over three years ago to-day and announced his appointment, there have been some questions about Chuck Mitchell.

It was always widely accepted that he was possibly the best goalkeeper Bedistan has produced, and almost universially agreed he was definatly the unluckiest, arriving as he did just as the great Oli Breem hit her peak. The puzzle was how he ended up leaving his Bedistan coaching position and
ending up with the Halfassed job within a month.

The HFA and Parks in particular have always kept details of the episode very quiet, stating only that Mitchell had ended his employment with the Lions by mutual consent and that he was the pick of a short list of coaches the HFA had been scouting.

While many of the Halfassed citizens have not really believed this story, Mitchell has always refused to comment about his departure from Bedistan only saying that he wished to 'move-on' and help Halfassed football progress. While many poured scorn on this comment after the Hurricanes poor finish in qualifing, Parks and the HFA stood by Mitchell and watched as he lead the side to third in the CoH (conceeding only 1 goal in the tournament).
Mitchell has often pointed out that he took over a side fractured with in fighting and a lack of leadership that was as good as out of contention for the qualification spots and has always said he was building for the future and asked to be judged on the tournament. It seems a request that has been granted by the HFA, but the media as always kept trying to find out why he was here. Mitchell has similarly kept avoiding the questions, and the usually reliable sources inside the HFA produced nothing.

The mystery had almost been forgotten until the WC draw paired the Hurricanes with the Lions! While Mitchell has acted pleased to have been placed against his own team, but some sources have claimed that privately he is deeply annoyed and upset. Some have even claimed he is not planning to travel to the James Parker National Stadium for the return fixture. Reports from Bedistan claiming that BFA president Jaiver McGuire is less than pleased himself have furthered fueled the rumourmill, but still no-one seems able to find out the truth.

Mitchell himself walked out of a post-match interview after the Anitram game when asked if he felt any additional pressure due to McGuire's rumoured attendance at the game, causing the HFA to release a statement confirming their belief in the manager and denouncing sections of the media for continued "harrassment" of the coach and those closest to him.
Let's hope for the Hurricanes sake that the 'harrassment' has given Chuck even more reason to pull off a memorable result tomorrow!

Scuttlebutt - belated edition

What? Who? What?
Sten Mike Easter, aspn wire

Oh, my! Did anyone see the Hooligans recent match? I mean, really!

Okay, they did win. But...well, ASPN has the tape. If they replay it, it's really worth a watch. Never laughed so hard at football match in my life.

I've been told by reliable sources within the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages (I won't tell a soul, Bev) that the Minister is on an unscheduled leave of absence, and someone who has only been identified as "Margaret" put this team together at the last minute.

It shows.

The Hooligan keeper is exactly that - a hooligan. I interviewed him after the match and found he was living in a cardboard box at the south entrance to "38 Special" Stadium in Sten until just a few days ago, when he was "recruited" to the national team.

The Hooligan defense consists of two AI, what appears to be some kind of large feral cat that manages quite well on two feet, thank you, and a bald guy who say's he's only 30, but looks about 60 (if you think "AI" means "artificial intelligence" - well, I interviewed these two after the match and "A" does mean "artificial", but the jury is still out on what the "I" means).

The Hooligan Midfield contains someone/thing that looks like a giant zucchini. Understandably - this guy, it seems, was born in Giant Zucchini, but his dad is from Snub Nose 38 - which gives him SN38 citizenship. He shares midfield duty with a re-tread hockey player named Sam and a guy who's over seven feet tall and told me he thought they said "basketball" not "football". The midfield is rounded out by a short guy names Pharquart with a waist measurement that challenges his height measurement. They had to put him on two scales (one foot on each) and add the result to weigh him, I was told. They wouldn't tell me what that result was.

The two forwards actually looked like football players. One's name is Rosencrans, and the other is Guildenstern. At least, that's what it said in the program. I can't give you any more information on them, because neither of them speaks any of the four langauges I understand. At least, that's what they let on.

They play a rather unorthdox brand of football, these Hooligans. One can't really tell from in the press box what is said on the field, but they seem to spend an inordinate amount of time verbally threatening their opponents. Several of their opponents from yesterday confirmed this, but insisted on remaining anonymous. Tactics, strategy, skill - none of those things were in evidence during the match. Brute force, intimidation - now, these were used frequently. Two red cards for the Hooligans (that feral cat looking player in the 23rd minute, and Guildenstern in the 77th).

And somehow they managed to score 5 goals without letting their opponents score at all.

Hmmm...maybe they've got something there.

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/tn/logo.gif

Turori [2]-[2] Wella
[ Likao 52 :: Liano 77]------------------ [ Smith 21 :: Allew 45 ]


Mliona Stadium, Mliona-Lpaka, Turori
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.......The Turori Eels bounced back from a 2 goal first half deficit to earn a vital draw with Group 10 Qualification Rivals Wella. Wella opened the better of the two sides, and got on the scoresheet first through Willard Smith, whose 21st minute strike set the tone of the opening Period. Wella pushing forward and forcing Miluao Slietah into action, all totalled 8 times in the first half alone. The Eels looked to have escaped with just a 1 goal deficit heading into the half, when Linoi Niabula was adjudged to have fowled Smith in the area. Moses Allew stepped up and sent Slietah the wrong way to convert the penalty and double the visitors lead.

.......However, Turori would not give up, and Two half time substitutions sparked the Eels into action. In a straight up swap up front, Jualiar Vumaou made way for Kaboafo Iobabao. However, Coach Disterfred was not done yet. Disterfred switched from the classic 4-4-2 to a Vilitan-Style 3-5-2, taking out defender Moiba Linaian and throwing on the surprise package of Ugo Doohan to support the midfield. Doohan, on the comeback trail from a cruciate injury suffered in an u21 practice session 2 season past, was making his first senior apperance. His presence was felt almost immediately, as it was his cross from the touch line that resulted in the corner that turned the game for the Eels. Cuoliua Tuirma delivered well, but Wella Keeper Moomoomoomoo was able to get a hand to deflect it. However, it only went as far as Makaus Likao, who cut the Wellan lead in half on 52 minutes. Turori continued to pressure, but could not find the goal they needed. with 18 minutes left, goalscorer Likao made way for another midfielder, Boaibou Houabou, who has not started for the Eels since being implicated in the Lowlands Clan scandal of World Cup 15.

Houabou's antics rose up again, theatrically diving to break up play on 75 minutes. After a minute or so of arguing, Tuirma took the free kick short to Malaino Mumamba. Mumamba found a sprinting Akamoari Liano down the right, and Liano collected well before firing an unstoppable shot into the Wella goal. The Mliona erupted into cheers as their hometown hero, now a member of Yeaddin Owls AFC, jumped into the crowd in celebration. The goal would prove crucial as the match would end tied at 2-2.


Liano named Player of the Year

Turori FA Press Center, Almintora, Turori
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.......
Yeaddin Owls AFC foward Akamoari Liano was this week awarded the Player of the Year award by the Turori FA. Liano, who moved to Vilita-based Yeaddin in a 900,000T transfer from Turori Lower Division side Mliona-Lpaka prior to the Owls Vilitan Season Two campaign. Liano, now 23, did not come to Vilita with impressive stats, scoring just 9 goals in 37 Appearances for Mliona-Lpaka in their relegation season from the Vilitan Declasse Division. However, Liano formed an instant bond with Yeaddin Owls other Season Two signing, Vilitan u21 Forward Jan Christansen from Strike FC. The two have Combined for 52 goals in the Owls 40 Season two League and Cup matches, 22 from the boot of new Turori player of the year. The papers questioned the Owls signing at the time, but come the start of Vilitan Season 3, the lights will be shining on Liano from a different angle, carrying the support of the entire Island Emirate of Turori on his shoulders, not only for the Owls in the league, but also in the Eels World Cup qualifying Campaign.


Turori Roster vs. Wella
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GK :: Miluao Slietah 23

D :: Moiba Linaian 23
D :: Marlian Linaian 23
D :: Linoi Niabula 23

D :: Kiatin Likao 23

ML :: Makaus Likao 23
MC :: Yabaiy Tbaiao 23
MC :: Malaino Mumamba 17
MR :: Cuoliua Tuirma 22

FC :: Jualiar Vumaou 22
FC :: Akamoari Liano 23
------------------------------
FC :: Kaboafo Iobabao 23
FC :: Mika Sakatorra 18
M :: Boaibou Houabou 28
M :: Boaibou Houabou 0
U :: Ugo Doohan 23
D :: Ugo Doohan 0
GK :: G.Q. Disterfred 34


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Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

Oaker Sharks

Stadium: Pinealla International Stadium

Roster:

Martin Oaker (GK), Carrin Oaker (GK), Stef Oaker (D), Gray Oaker (D), Todd Oaker (D), Lenny Oaker (D), Tabby Oaker (D), Scott Oaker (M) Freddy Oaker (M), Sport Oaker (M), Venus Oaker (M), Arthin Oaker (M), Kelvin Oaker (M), Vincey Oaker (M), Flash Oaker (F), Tip Oaker (F), Cats Oaker (F), Pond Oaker (F)



The Oaker sharks defeated Cirdanistan by 3 goals to zero today at the Pinealla International Stadium in Oaker. Oaker started the match with a bang, Tip Oaker scoring just moments after the opening kickoff, but the goal was ruled out for offsides.

Just a few minutes later the sharks got onthe scoreboard for real when Sport Oaker scored from a 25 yard free kick. It was the first career goal for Sport, the prospect for the future of Oaker Sports, Sport also participates on the National Snoreball(Baseball to most) team.

Oaker set out to defend from there, knowing all they needed was 3 points, and they made it through to half time with the one goal lead.

In the second half, the sharks were awarded a break when a Cidnastan defender was called questionably for handling in the box, and Stef Oaker converted the spot kick to give the sharks a two goal lead.

Not having any pressure to defend the two goal lead with just under 15 minutes to play, Flash Oaker was able to beat up on the Cendiastan defense, beating out a total of 5 players on a world class run before scoring past the Cirdanistan goalkeeper.

It was Flash's fourth goal of the tournament after just two games, after scoring all 3 goals in the Sharks opening day matchup victory against Melmond.

The sharks are now first place in the group after two straight 3-0 victories. Oaker is level on points with svecia who have also won both matches, but Oaker have a goal differential of +3 greater than the good svecia team.
Headlines

Headlines

Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have continued, and orders have now come in from Sarzonia and an order of 500 came in from Melmond, but it believed that the fearless farmers are planning to hang the uniforms inside their stadium before burning every last one of them in the build up to the return match between the teams in Melmond on matchday 6.

The Real-Life Flash Oaker is still competing on the new local reality show "Oaker Stars take a Bath" where local celebrities are all thrown naked into a hot tub, and longer they last in the tub, the more objects will be thrown into the tub, from flying fish to purple skin die, which does not wash off, but does wear off after approximately 5 weeks of natural exposure. The last celebrity in the tub wins Ox/10.000.000 for a charity of their choice.

The first Celebrity to exit the hot tub was Bulzyit Oaker, the Newscaster from Channel 0 who apparantly overheard some hot gossip betwen two actresses and did not care enough about the charity to stay and win money for them, but just wanted to produce a news story. It has been learned that the gossip has been infact proven wrong and the news reporter fell for a trick. stupid reporters.




Thats all from Oaker today, tune in tomorrow for a report on the match against HyperCapitalizm!

Rounding Error Causes 1-0 Defeat!
COCKBILL STREET - As the match entered its final minute, the score tied 2/∞‪-1/∞‪, with nobody poised to score a winning goal, the stadium began to empty. The few dedicated fans that remained waited for over half an hour for the final minute to end, as an error in the scoreboard's Chorion Instruments CAS decided the game. The computer had failed completely, and the only hope of restarting the match was to install a new system. The system was incapable of running CI software, and a glitch in the data transfer program caused the new software to misinterpret the score. As the scoreboard was restored to working order, the score changed from 2/∞-1/∞ to a disastrous 1-0 lead for Cockbill Street. The referee from Aquilla ignored the score change and allowed the final 13 seconds to proceed, allowing the match to be decided by mere computer errors and international rivalries.
Commerce Heights 0
Cockbill Street 1 - FT

Dicey Results Continue In Exclusive Capitalizt Zone
MELMOND - HypercapitaliZm, recently admitted to the Greater Commerce Heights Conglomerate (now consisting of CH, New Manhattan, Dextremmika, Lemmistana, and HypercapitaliZm), was defeated 3-0 in World Cup action by Melmond in the first game ever played between two teams from the Exclusive Capitalizt Zone. The entire team, which played well in last week's 3-1 loss to Svecia, was suspiciously absent, and, out of respect for Commerce Heights soccer tradition, 11 players came out of the stands and onto the field for the HypercapitaliZts. The team played well, except for some minor problems with scoring and defending. After 90 minutes of terrible play, the team was relieved to hear the final whistle. The disappearance of the national team is still a mystery, and the final score, eerily similar to Oaker's 3-0 defeat of Melmond, makes it clear to most HypercapitaliZts that Brazillico possesses voodoo dice of mass fixination. Rumors are spreading across the nation related to the match, and many suspect that the government will be hiring USAnia's information minister to help deal with the crisis.

This is a KNN Sports Update

This is Jill Numbnut with a World Cup update. After the Union was slaughtered by Larkina, they got an much needed win against Tasty Toast. Good goalkeeping by John Middleton once again. Middleton is still being looked at by the premier leagues to play in. He still has decided not to play in any of them and stay in Kerla. "I like to stay in my home and this great country I am a citizen of" said Middleton. The Union captain Sid "Bulldog" Cruiser scored the first goal for the Union in the 10th minute of the game. "I think their coach looked up and said crap we still have 80 minutes left in the game" he said in an interview. The Tasty Toast goalkeeper made an impressive save when Alex Myers made a great shot. Myers would later go on and score 2 goals in the game. It was also an impressive defense showing by the Union defense. Middleton made some great saves and did not alow a single goal, while the defense stopped them pretty much in their tracks. The defense kept them out of their half for most of the game. Brett Devin, the associate captain made a good tackle to regain the ball for the Union. Head coach Jim Young commented "We didn't do a good job in the first game. We were shaky and I was a little worried. However in this second game, my fears were relived because we played an excellent game and got the win. I know that our next game will be hard and I am preparing for that game." He is right that the next game will be hard. They will be playing One Red Dot, which is pretty good. It should be a tough match for the Union and we will see how well they do. This is Jill Numbnuts for KNN Sports.

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Karim Of The Crop

KRYTENIA today sit two points clear at the top of Group Twelve after a ruthless and systematic four-nil demolition of The Gulf States. And here's the table to prove it.

Group 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Krytenia 6 2 0 0 7: 1 6
2. Squornshelous 4 1 1 0 4: 1 3
3. Nikea 4 1 1 0 2: 1 1
4. NASTIC II 3 1 0 1 5: 3 2
5. The Water Cooler 0 0 0 2 0: 5 -5
6. The Gulf States 0 0 0 2 0: 7 -7

Karim Isserson's men started against The Gulf States as they finished against NASTIC II - with the bit between their teeth. Just twenty-one seconds were on the clock as Colin Ulvæus nodded home from a telling Chris Lydersen cross. Ulvæus has certainly been honing his skills in Kingsford, and the mix of this new professionalism and Isserson's experience at the helm is bearing jumbo-sized fruit.

Ulvæus seemed hungry for blood throughout the first half, and he jinked, dinked, and otherwise slinked his way through a strangely mesmerised Gulf defence. One deft chip later, and the Celestials were two up less than fifteen minutes in.

Despite the best efforts of Ulvæus and Smith, the Celestials couldn't add to their total before the break. Even Ryan Carew got in on the act, the defender cracking a marvellous volley just wide of the post. The Gulf coach berated his players extremely loudly during the break, so much so that Isserson resorted to presenting his half-time team talk in sign language.

Whatever the Gulf manager had to say, it was astonishingly ineffective. Six minutes into the second half, Xousa found Ulvæus in space, and his turn and shot left Krytenia with a three goal lead, Ulvæus with a hat-trick, and the Gulf goalie with an irrational fear of spinning blonde perms.

The rout was complete on 73 minutes. Cecil Poldov played a crossfield ball across, Stephen Xousa saw his shot blocked, and sub Acienko Rimmer pounced - the youngest ever Celestial cap scoring on his debut.

In other Group 12 news, group favourites SQUORNSHELOUS drew 1-1 in NIKEA, while NASTIC II recovered from their opening day defeat by beating the Celestials' next opponents THE WATER COOLER 4-0.

Tickets for the game away to The Water Cooler are available from all KEL stadia - but hurry, stocks are short!

KRYTENIA - 4
Ulvæus 1, 13, 51
Rimmer 73

THE GULF STATES - 0


SCORERS
Colin ULVÆUS - 3 (incl. 1 hat trick)
Roger CELSEN - 1
Acienko RIMMER - 1
Ari SMITH - 1
Stephen XOUSA - 1

v NASTIC II (Green Street, Elliston) W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States (Tribeca Park, Remires) W 4-0 (Ulvæus 3, Rimmer)
@ The Water Cooler
v Squornshelous (Atterbrook Way, Westleigh)
v Nikea (People's Stadium, Avid-Diord)
@ NASTIC II
@ Nikea
v The Water Cooler (Republican, Selyer)
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

Group 14 bunches up on Match Day 2
Unexpected results mean Starblaydia climb a place

Starblaydia's first three points in the World Cup 16 Qualifiers came with Simeone Di Bradini's first two full international goals. Hosting Soccer Hooliganism at Victory Park, home of Vecchio Victors, the Alpha Division team who claim Ryan Garry as their club and international Captain. 48,000 fans, a capacity crowd, cheered Starblaydia to the rafters. Both inside and outside of Vic Park, there were thousands of police officers ready with horses, batons and rubber bullets in case the 'tiny minority' of Soccer Hooliganism fans began any trouble.

Their hopes were given a heavy blow early on as the new Blade Number 10, Di Bradini, strode imperiously through the Hooliganism defence and unleashed an unstoppable shot past the Soccer Hooliganism goalie to make it 1-0 after only a quarter of an hour. As Starblaydia took hold of the match they dominated possession until, that is, the Hooligans equalised on a quick counter attack. Jimmy O'Hooligan with the goal, SH's first in international competition.

This minor setback only served to galvanise the Blades, who took the power back in some kind of a rage. As they drove forward with strength and abandon. This led to a free-kick around twenty-four yards away from the goal, slightly to the right of centre. As the referee indicated there was just about time remaining in the half to take it, Stefan Haldorsson quickly stepped up and curled it beautifully into the top-right corner of the net, over and round the wall, flying past the goalkeeper's flailing arms. Starblaydia had regained the lead at the perfect moment and went in at half-time 2-1 to the good.

The second half was not as exciting as the first, Soccer Hooliganism knew they didn't really have a chance of scoring a second. Starblaydia took the ball once more, and with half an hour to go Simeone Di Bradini scored his second goal. J.J. Stark supplied the perfect cross from out wide on the right and Di Bradini slotted home a perfectly-taken header that the goalie just couldn't get to. Di Bradini was taken off soon after, denied a first full-class hat-trick as David Bentley was brought on for him in the 67th minute.

At the final whistle, Starblaydia had worked themselves into the predicted 4th place in Group 14, though 1st and 3rd place are widely believed to be the wrong way around. With Starblaydia's next match being away at Slaikau, the Blades should take every advantage of this opportunity to gain another three points and put them in good stead to ascend the table further.

Final Score:
Starblaydia 3 - 1 Soccer Hooliganism
(Di Bradini 14, 61, Haldorsson 45)(O'Hooligan 32)

Other Group 14 Results
Cockbill Street 1 - 0 Commerce Heights
The Street beat the World Champions and make up for their disappointing draw last time out
Iansisle 1 - 1 Slaikau
Slaikau gain another valuable point from much higher-ranked opposition.

Group 14 Standings after Match Day 2
Region 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Iansisle 4 1 1 0 3: 1 2
2. Cockbill Street 4 1 1 0 2: 1 1
3. Commerce Heights 3 1 0 1 4: 1 3
*4 Starblaydia 3 1 0 1 3: 3 0*
5. Slaikau 2 0 2 0 2: 2 0
6. Soccer Hooliganism 0 0 0 2 1: 7 -6

*Tagzor*

Turnia City Tribune

World Cup 16 Qualifiers

Max Riodondo

Asprin... check. Pepto... check. Lots of little airplane size booze bottles... check. Yes my faithful readers, it is that time again, World Cup qualifiers for our Dragons. And the team is looking to build upon their last 2 outings, showing marked improvement in WC15.

No offseason moves were made, as the team has returned intact. "We felt it neccessary for the team to grow together. There were so many changes during this team's first season, it was bad for morale. The lads come into WC16 knowing the coaching staff is the same, the players are the same and the playing scheme is the same" said head coach Paul Odle.

I for one like the non-movements, as the Dragons have shot out 2-0-0 +6 6pts to begin this campaign. But make no mistake, the tough games are yet to come. With Total n Utter Insanity and The Belmore Family heading Group 10, the road is tough indeed.

So Turnia, no need to grab those asprin, pepto or booze bottles yet, the fun has just begun. Now, I am off to begin my Voodoo rutuals.

I am Riodondo and you're not...

Reena: Hello, and welcome to the Tar Hollow County Public Access Television, the backwoods channel. I'm Reena Gatmisbuhler, and with me is Jose Oswaldo Jimanez.
Jose: Thanks Reena. Now, I know, you're supposed to be seeing All My Inbred Children, but the Canadians have filed suit against us for "indirectly referring to them", or something like that. So we've got a new show in the works, "Moosebangers!" But there's a gap before it'll be ready to air, so as some sort of filler, we've got the football world cup of 15.
Reena: Football? Hekinah Degul is Football?
Jose: I dunno, but the only way it makes fun of Canadians is when they play.
Reena: Well are they playing?
Jose: Lemme check... ...That'd be a no.
Reena: Well why don't we show All My Inbred Children?!
Jose: Canadians pulled the plug on it.
Reena: How about, Two Guys, a Canoe, and a 6 Pack of Molson: The Canadian Navy?
Jose: They got us on that one.
Reena: Beaverface?
Jose: That one too.
Reena: Hockeywhores?
Jose: ...Hockeywhores?
Reena: Oh wait, that's my idea. Do you wanna hear about it?
Jose: ...
Reena: Well, since you asked. It's about Canadians in their every day life.
Jose: Any reason it's called Hockeywhores?
Reena: They're _Canadians_. Do you NEED a reason? That's what they are.
Jose: Submit to the company, I'm sure it'll air and Canada will cancel it.
Reena: Well, didn't we have that reality show, Life on a Greenpeace Ship in Auckland Harbor? The one where all those nice kids were protesting Offshore Oil Drilling?
Jose: You didn't hear about that?
Reena: That nice kid was on it, what's his name?
Jose: He's dead.
Reena: Eaten by a Canadian?
Jose: No. The French Government blew up and sunk that ship, killing that nice kid.
Reena: The French? You'd think it'd be the Canadians.
Jose: Well they didn't have enough money at the time. They only had $50,000 Canadian.
Reena: What's that worth USD?
Jose: USD doesn't have coinage that low.
Reena: They should make a show called "CSI: Canadian Stupid... Canada Sucks"
Jose: Oh, hey, this Football 15 thing
Reena: Super 15?
Jose: Huh?
Reena: All Blacks and Springboks?
Jose: Huh?
Reena: Do a haka?
Jose: Huh?
Reena: Canadian Rugby Team?
Jose: Huh?
Reena: Soccer is for pussies who can't make it in Rugby.
Jose: ...Yeah, I'll agree with that.
Reena: Let's watch Rugby instead.
Jose: I don't think we own the rights to any Rugby shows.
Reena: And we got the rights to the Football 15?
Jose: Nobody else wanted them.
Reena: So they gave it to Tar Hollow County Public Access, The Backwoods Channel?
Jose: Our ratings had cut in half.
Reena: HALF!?
Jose: Yeah, 4 to 2.
Reena: What are they now?
Jose: 1.
Reena: Who stopped watching?
Jose: Mr. Habbenschlutter.
Reena: Why?
Jose: He died.
Reena: Doesn't soccer have 11 players in it?
Jose: ...yeah...
Reena: Then why's it called the soccer 15?
Jose: It's the football 15.
Reena: So it's Rugby?
Jose: No.
Reena: Gridiron?
Jose: No.
Reena: Aussie Rules?
Jose: No.
Reena: Then what is it?
Jose: Soccer.
Reena: Then why's it called the Football 15?
Jose: I don't think that's the right name.
Reena: What is?
Jose: I dunno, something like... Football... Football 15.
Reena: Huh?
Jose: Maybe's Foolball 15
Reena: Foolball? That some kinda Canadian sport?
Jose: That's Basketball.
Reena: Basketball? What's Basketball?
Jose: It's where 5 morons--
Reena: Canadians
Jose: Well, they're synonymous. Anyways, 5 Canadians try to throw a bouncy ball through a ring
Reena: That'll never catch on
Jose: I don't see the appeal of it.
Reena: That's the worst idea since using a stick to hit a little flat thing into a net.
Jose: Reena?
Reena: What?
Jose: That's Hockey.
Reena: Oh, the canadians make that too?
Jose: Actually, yeah.
Reena: Did the Canadians give us anything useful?
Jose: They're fun to laugh at.
Reena: Yeah, but they didn't do that on purpose. It just happens.
Jose: I dunno. I need a break. You, watching, go see what else is on.

--Sorry, We're Experiencing Technical Diffulculties at Tar Hollow County Public Access, Try Again Later--

Darwin Russell continued the hot play that led to his becoming the first foreign player in the NEWI Cefn Druid national league by scoring a goal and assisting on the other as the Sarzonian national team dominated every facet of their match against unranked Minas Trith, 2-0.

"It was important for us to get the full three points in a match after starting our World Cup qualifying season with a draw against Jeruselem," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "We're glad to continue with a nine match unbeaten streak, but there's a lot more to go before we can say we've accomplished anything.

Russell drew first blood for the stars in the 23rd minute as he headed a corner kick from team captain Bobby Convey into the net. He also sent a cross to forward Anton Gregor in the 68th minute to provide the final margin of victory.

Goalkeeper Troy Perkins notched his sixth clean sheet in his last eight matches by making two saves on six Minas Trith shots.

"The guys up front really made things much easier for me than I expected," Perkins said.

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......Turori [5]-[0] Largemanistan
[ Linaian 1, 16 :: Liano 34, 41 :: Houabou 78 ]------------------ [ Linaian 1, 16 :: Liano 34, 41 :: Houabou 78 ---------- ]


Cednia Beach Center, Cednia, Turori
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.......The Turori Eels recorded their largest ever internationstatal victory hosting Cup Newcomers Largemanistan at the Cednia Beach Center in Cednia. The Win also extended the Eels National & Regional record Unbeaten streak, now at 14 games dating back to World Cup 15 Qualifying Matchday 7. The Eels last World Cup qualifying defeat came at the hands of KPB Rank #2 and u21 Champions Bedistan. The match against Largemanistan was the Eels second straight home match, the first being held at Mliona-Lpaka's Mliona Stadium, which Turori managed to scrape out a 2-2 draw with qualification rivals Wella. The atmosphere at the Cednia Beach Center was less than impressive for the start of the second matchday of the competition. However, that would change just seconds after the opening kickoff.

.......From the opening touch, Jualiar Vumaou laid back to Yabaiy Tbaiao. Tbaiao then found the always impressive Cuoliua Tuirma on the right, and Tuirma took the ball down near the corner flag, before outworking his marked and sending a streaming cross towards the edge of the box. Eels defender Marlian Linaian was arriving with a burst of energy from the back, and his timing was perfect, connecting with Tuirma's delivery and sending Turori into the lead in the first minute of the match. It would then be the unlikely Linaian who would double the Turori advantage just 15 minutes later. Makaus Likao had a freekick blocked well by the wall of Large Man, however the ball dropped nicely for Linaian who fooled everyone, including the keeper, with his 35 yard wonder strike, and second of the match.

.......The unsurprising but certainly welcome early lead gave the Eels even more confidence over the lowly Largemanistan side, and the already on-fire Turori Player of the Year, Akamoari Liano, showed the skill that earned him the award, and the 22 goals for Yeaddin Owls in the Vilitan Stellar Division this past season, spinning 18 yards out and finding the bottom left of the Largemani net. The Eels looked to be set back on the play however, when during celebrations for the goal, Kiatin Likao received a fist to the eye from teammate Yabaiy Tbaiao, and had to be substituted just 2 minutes later. With the lack of attack from the Largemani side, and the lack of defensive options on the Turori Bench, manager G.Q. Disterfred opted to bring on midfielder Boaibou Houabou. Houabou, who lost his first team place during the Lowlands Clan scandal during World Cup 15, made his first touch count, delivering an inch perfect cross to be met by the head of Liano, who powered home his second in 7 minutes, and his 3rd of the tournament.

.......The match would quiet down from there, with nothing terribly notable for most of the second half. In fact, at one point during the second half, there was more interest from not only the fans, but the players as well, in staring up at the sky for the planned launch of a droid destroyer rocket from the South Western Atlantian Oceanic nation of Novvs Atlantis, in an effort to test it's range in all directions of the Vilitan Cove. Then, with 12 minutes left, Houabou once again pressed his claim for a return to the starting lineup, working well with the so far dissapointing Malaino Mumamba, one of the most impressive during World Cup 15, with Houabou getting the finishing touch, completing the Eels 5-0 route over Group 13 opponents Largemanistan.

Turori Roster vs. Wella
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GK :: Miluao Slietah 23
D :: Moiba Linaian 23
D :: Marlian Linaian 23
D :: Linoi Niabula 23
D :: Kiatin Likao 23
ML :: Makaus Likao 23
MC :: Yabaiy Tbaiao 23
MC :: Malaino Mumamba 17
MR :: Cuoliua Tuirma 22
FC :: Jualiar Vumaou 22
FC :: Akamoari Liano 23
------------------------------
FC :: Kaboafo Iobabao 23
FC :: Mika Sakatorra 18
M :: Boaibou Houabou 28
M :: Boaibou Houabou 0
U :: Ugo Doohan 23
D :: Ugo Doohan 0
GK :: G.Q. Disterfred 34





Eels Off to Competitive Start

Turori FA Press Center, Almintora, Turori
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.......The Turori Eel's once again find themselves within the qualification zone early in their World Cup Qualifying campaign. The Eels currently sit 2 points behind leaders Giant Zucchini, and level on points with Rivals Wella. However, The Eels boast the top Goal Differential in the Region, which could prove invaluable come the final matchday. Group favorites Kingsford currently sit 4th, one point behind the Eels, and 3 off the top spot of the Zucchinis. The World Cup 14 Champions were expected to top the group, but a Matchday 2 defeat to Giant Zucchini has dampened their Qualification hopes.


Region 13 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Giant Zucchini 6 2 0 0 4: 1 3
2. Turori 4 1 1 0 8: 3 5
3. Wella 4 1 1 0 6: 3 3
4. Kingsford 3 1 0 1 3: 1 2
5. Dead Man 0 0 0 2 1: 6 -5
6. Largemanistan 0 0 0 2 0: 8 -8


--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

THE TICKER OUTSIDE KAZA SPORTS SQUARE

KAZE PROGRESSA TAKE FIRM GRIP ON GROUP 1 WITH 2-1 WIN IN GESAMTKUNTSWERK... BINZZ, TAUNILAI SCORE IN FIRST-HALF INJURY TIME, WARLIN OG IN 86TH MINUTE INCONSEQUENTIAL... WC17 BID WITH VILITA 'A CERTAIN WINNER', SAY ANALYSTS... VILITAN COLONY TURORI 'DOTTY', SAY PSYCHOLOGISTS; STADIUM REBUILDING TO BLAME?...

and OOC: I'm off on work experience until August 22 at least.

The Daily Druid

FIRST THE W-EAUZ-T
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on NEWI Cefn Druids 1 Eauz 0

NEWI Cefn Druids kept their impressive record at The Hole up yesterday by beating the best team in the world, Eauz, by a goal to nil. The goal that seperated the teams was a spectacular, yet somewhat hopeful looking, 30 yard chip from winger Bill Posters shortly after half time. When you've got the Druid crowd behind you, then that's usually enough, but you have to remember that they were up against the best team around. But, somehow, the Druids kept Les Bleus out, the most spectacular being when Amos Hinton seemed to appear from nowhere to clear of the goalline deep into injury time.

Afterwards, joint manager Simon Greaves told us, "You see that? We beat the number one team! That means we must be the number one team now!" When someone told Greaves that that isn't how it works, he continued, "Well... er... we're in a good position to qualify, and if we continue like that, who knows how far we'll get?"


Final Score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 1 [Posters 47]
Eauz 0


Matches so far...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids 1-0 Eauz

...top scorers...

[4] Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po
[1] Trevor Belmore, Bill Posters

...and still to come

Matchday 3: Nominaen v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids v Creedence Cleawater
Matchday 5: Avenging Altos v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids v Ebon Hawk
Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved to the CheminduStadium, Graymouth, due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.

Tigers lose

Tigers lose star player and match

Dushanbe - What began as a good match for the Tigers quickly turned into a nightmare, Shortly after it started Cherniakhovskij came into contact with a defender and was carried of the field with a serious leg injury. And although Cherniakhovskij wanted to get back on the field, the doctor would not allow him. So Triandafillov had to bring in Rokkossovskij.

The Tigers went on with their usual game and kept their opponents out of tadjikistans goal area. Until Gromov showed why they called him "the bulldog", by tackling one of TENs attackers from behind very agressively. He was sent of the field with a red card while TEN scorted the free kick. From then on things only worsened. Without the star player and an incomplete defense the Tigers could not stop TEN from scoring 2 more goals. There is little to be said about this game and it is very sad to see it go this way.

Tadjikistan can still qualify but it will have do better then what we've seen. Triandafillov will certainly have a little chat with Gromov and visit Cherniakhovskij. Right now we can only hope Cherniakhovskij to be ready for the next match against Loonyvania. Gromov wont be there, thats for sure. His place will probably be taken by Managarov.


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 6 2 0 0 8: 0 8
2. Crystilakere 4 1 1 0 4: 2 2
3. Haperd 3 1 0 1 3: 3 0
4. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 1 4: 6 -2
5. Spurland 1 0 1 1 4: 5 -1
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 2 0: 7 -7



MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest L 0-3
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

ASNN - Stars overcome group rivals to force a draw at home

GRAHAM CITY - The Stars were dreading this match. The public was dreading the match. But wily manager Jeff McKay couldn't wait, because he knew that this would test the new-look Stars mettle against legendary international teams. They certainly did prove it, and oh so much more. In an interview before the match, McKay stressed the fact that there team needed to get the ball moving, trying to keep the Lemmings on their toes all the time.

They certainly did that, and showed a passing finesse that defied all reason. The game started off in a tight battle for ball control in the midfield, with the switching hands every few seconds. About ten minutes in, the Lemmings gained control of the ball and began their attack on the Stars goal. After repelling several attacks, the ball deflected off of Moe West and out on the goal line, giving the Lemmings an excellent corner kick opportunity. With excellent accuracy, the ball was placed just inside the box, giving it to a waiting midfielder, who pounded it through the crowd and into the goal.

The momentum gave the Lemmings a chance to take control of the game, but the Stars were able to control long enough using sharp, clean passes to steal the momentum and tighten the Noose. With all eleven in the Lemmings half, Kevin Donahugh and Mark Jeremy began pounding their infamous power shots in on goal. After nearly twenty minutes of pure Star control, Kassen Illius put in a goal on Kevin Donahugh's rebound just before half time.

After half, each team tried ferociously to take th advantage, but the game became a midfield slog, unable to get into either half very far, leaving the game a one-one tie.

TLC Stars 1 - 1 Lemmitania
Illius (43rd, Donahugh assist)

Le LIBRE

Out of Time

Match Day two saw Les Bleus travel to NEWI to face off against the Druids. For both teams, this match was the most important, for the winner would have a better chance at taking the first position out of the group. The match started off with Les Bleus in possession of the ball taking it up field. An early attack came to the surprise of the Druids defense, but the shot was fired over the top of the net. NEWI went on a counter-attack brining the play up the field, only to be stopped by the Eauz defense. Both teams played quite defensively, resulting in very few chances on goal in the first half. At the start of the 2nd half, NEWI controlled the ball, as winger Bill Poster shot the ball towards the net at about 30 feet away. The shot was just to get the ball deeper into the Eauz zone, but surprised Rousoi as NEWI went up 1 – 0 in this critical match. There were many attempts later in the match by Les Bleus to get back the goal, only to be rejected by the NEWI defence.

Oh Lady’s and gentlemen, we have an upset as Les Bleus went down to NEWI 1 – 0. But it is not yet time to worry as this is only the 2nd match day of the total 10. There are plenty of matches to come and Les Bleus will be looking to get revenge on NEWI back at home when match day 7 comes around.

Coaches Comments: “You know, I felt we played very well in this match. Look, we might be the number one team in the world, but we were the number 1 last world cup, and now our whole team has been dismantled and changed up with a whole new roster. So losing only 1 – 0 against an experienced team of NEWI tells me that we just made a few small mistakes that any team would make. Anyways, I congratulate the NEWI team for their victory, and we will be hungry to get revenge in the next match against each other.

The next match for Les Bleus will come against another rival in Creedence Clearwater who has seemed to have had Les Bleus number in the past. Maybe a new Eauz team can change the past and bring about greatness to Les Bleus. Creedence will finally face off against a team who can challenge them, as CC has gone up early in the standings by beating young or newbie teams. Look for Les Bleus playing their first home match to come out stronger than they did against NEWI.


Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. NEWI Cefn Druids 6 2 0 0 6: 1 5
2. Creedence Clearwater 6 2 0 0 5: 2 3
3. Eauz 3 1 0 1 6: 1 5
4. Avenging Altos 3 1 0 1 3: 2 1
5. Ebon Hawk 0 0 0 2 2: 8 -6
6. Nominaen 0 0 0 2 0: 8 -8



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 2 – 1
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids L 0 – 1
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Econ Hawks

World Cup 16 Qualifications are interupted for this announcement

SEMI-IMPORTANT

no, that does NOT mean important to a particular kind of truck

Received this from KP just now:

"I'm off until at least the 22nd August for three weeks of work experience in London. Obviously, this coincides neatly with your own return.

It's up to you now what to do - I'd suggest a new election, but we may have planned something already. Anyway, I entrust you now.'

Well...we sort of had a maybe if-ish kind of sketchy outline of a possible plan...it had one firm tenet - Kaze Progressa was the new President, and we would select a new VP.

The whole move-everything-to-jolt-well-maybe-not-as-fast-as-all-that thing kind of got in the way, I'm guessing. What ever, we do NOT have a new VP.

So, here's the deal...

1. Snub Nose 38 is now interim president
2. WCC must convene and select a new President
3. That President and the WCC must select a new Vice President

Total n Utter Insanity will be in charge of convening the WCC and deciding who the new President will be.

Snub Nose 38 is NOT a candidate (job-wise, don't have the time).
Kaze Progressa is a candidate. If KP is selected to continue as President, then the selected VP will take the reins until KP returns.

It's up to the WCC to determine who the other candidates are, how they will make the selection, et al.

Time is, as they say, of the essence.
;)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled World Cup 16 Qualification matches

WORLD CUP 16 QUALIFYING COVERAGE:

Giant Zucchini vs Kingsford

Giant Zucchini Formation:

Oog
Aargh Humm Quk Thunk
Kerrnigit Poom Krak Gung
Urk (Throck) Yew Sei Biu

Kingsford visited a packed Giant Zucchini National Stadium for the Match of the Group. 5th seed Kingsford were to face off against 25th seed Giant Zucchini. Their last encounter was way back in World Cup 11, which was fought out to a 1-1 draw. Pundits had decided on yet another close call. Kingsford, a nation known more for entertaining football than accurate news reports, immediately went on the offensive. As early as the 6th minute, Kingsford could have gotten one up, but for a magnificent save by Oog, the close range effort closed down well. 16 minutes later, a brilliant piece of play by Kingsford ended in a rasping shot destined for the top corner, forcing Oog into a leaping save. Giant Zucchini, after about half an hour of half-chances, finally got their rhythm going, Kerrnigit scoring one of his best goals ever. After tearing down the right wing and bypassing the Kingsford midfield, he faked 2 defenders with 2 deft touches before launching a rocket of a half-volley into the heart of the net. Kingsford had the last chance of the half, but the through pass was easily picked up by Oog. Head Coach Mr Hurr took off Urk during half-time and brought on Throck, playing a 5-4-1 formation. Kingsford could not find any time or space on the ball, while Giant Zucchini kept possession expertly. In a boring second half, Giant Zucchini held the ball to secure the 3 points to take them to the top of Group 13. Head Coach Mr Hurr, “We played well today. To win against a team like Kingsford, you have to play well, and I think we did that today.”


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 1
Kerrnigit (29)

Kingsford - 0



Man of the Match: Kerrnigit

Spurland Collect First Point
MD2: Crystilakere 1 Spurland 1

Playing away from home, Spurland managed to draw an opponent ranked 60 places above them in the ranking scales. Both the golas were scored in the second half and both by Spurland players. The only incident of note in the first half was a yellow card for captain Mannes of Spurland.

Just after the second half kicked off, player Jackson headed the ball begind with managed to evade the whole of his defence and drifted past his own keeper to put Crystilakere ahead. Young striker Dean Morris, who replaced his brother Alaau at half-time scored on the 60th minute the pull him team back on level terms with the home side.

Both teams had several opportunities to win the game near the end, but nobody managed to capitalise on their chances.

Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 6 2 0 0 8: 0 8
2. Crystilakere 4 1 1 0 4: 2 2
3. Haperd 3 1 0 1 3: 3 0
4. Tadjikistan 3 1 0 1 4: 6 -2
5. Spurland 1 0 1 1 4: 5 -1
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 2 0: 7 -7


Qualification Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan L 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland D 1-1
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

*we're experiencing some reception difficulty - sun spots, we think, have been blamed by the scientific community. in any case, tv and radio broadcasts, as well as satellite transmissions, are broken up and garbled. but, we tune in to aspn and try to keep up with the hooligan's quest to qualify for wcxvi. what we hear is...*

...ligans! What a mat...as we can see, it's...very pale yellow surface...

stsl;kjtzszzz

...cheese? I swear, it has that distinctive smel...and holes everywhere. How can the...ball into the larger holes, which causes...several times...

steizzxxa;lyyyysdzzzttztat

...ical staff just before the match. Doctor P...entire side infected with Porcupine Flu, the symptoms of wh...starters too sick to...apparently the "cheese" smell is...doubled over with...

aszzzzzttztztzt

dust-devel racing across the swiss-cheese surface of the...like a little ferocious tornado as...up the ball. Oh, my god, the thing just tossed the ball into...Svecian goal, that can only be descri...protesting the call, but...

tszzxyttaaatnnszxzzzxzz

...ing in a 1 - 0 victory for Svecia. The Hoo...formal protest of the...omittee expected to deny the...a part of the field of play...

*we are extremely frustrated by our inability to understand any of this, and angrily turn off the aspn broadcast. we'll just have to rely on tomorrow morning's edition of scuttlebut to find out what happened to our beloved hooligans. well, perhaps "beloved" is too strong a term. who are those guys, anyway? where the heck is the minister of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages? who is this person, only been identified as "margaret", who keeps making ministry decisions and announcements? will carmella ever know what became of ignatious...wait, that's a different storyline. oh, forget it. we're gonna go out and have something to eat, and the largest cold beer we can find.*

;)

The Valerian Voice

EL CID Lies Dead on The Field in His Homeland!

... Or at least the Players of EL CID THE HERO Feel That Way...

EL CID THE HERO -- It seems that Magnus Valerius's Dream Team, The Boyars, have made the perennial loser EL CID THE HERO a loser once again. In an away match, the Boyars kept it loose in formation, knowing that even if they might play a little (okay, okay, a LOT worse) than they normally would, they knew that they can win against this team. And, they did just that, but even so, the game was much more closer than it should have been.

The players of EL CID began by countering the advances of Valerius Prime FC's Ismail Rosenburg (#33), but their concentration on one player left them open to an assault by striker Thomas Hapsburg (#24) from the left. However, EL CID THE HERO began to take advantage and made two goals in quick succession. Not all was lost, however. Konstantinos Pappas and Frank Gespacho's footwork after half the gametime has passed made sure that this was a victory for Magnus Valerius, 2 - 3.

Final score:
EL CID THE HERO 2 (???, 32; ???, 40)
Magnus Valerius 3

Hapsburg 1, 19
Pappas, 1, 61
Gespacho, 1, 78

Bluesonians Gone Blue As Boyars Kick Them Out of Home Turf 4 - 1

TABRIZ, MAGNUS VALERIUS -- After a close game with EL CID THE HERO, many fans of our national team might consider that our national team has been letting them down. But, after a romp with newcoming team Bluesonia, our national team's prowess has been reestablished. It was a massacre on the fields at the Ring of the Shah in Tabriz today. As an added insult, Bluesonia was knocked to the bottom of the group thanks to the Boyars.

Charles Timophilos failed to block a Bluesonian goal early in the game, but Konstantinos Pappas, Edouard Niche, and Vick Pickering came out of the Blue... to strike down Bluesonia. Pappas brought in a goal after befuddling the rival defense line, kicking in a goal at the 21 minute mark. Within 21 more minutes, the Bluesonians were scrambling to save their nation's clean slate in football. Magnus Valerius was at a substantial lead... however, Pappas guaranteed a devastating loss for Bluesonia when he scored a second goal in the later portion of the game. The day ended with the Bluesonians heading home, knowing that they had lost to Magnus Valerius 4 -1. The Boyars now prep in a matchup with one of the star teams in the sport: Europa Brittania.

Final score:
Magnus Valerius 4
Bluesonia 1 (???, 12)

Pappas, 2, 21, 67
Niche, 1, 35
Pickering, 1, 42


Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Europa Brittania 6 2 0 0 7: 1 6
2. Magnus Valerius 6 2 0 0 7: 3 4
3. Oglethorpia 3 1 0 1 4: 2 2
4. EL CID THE HERO 3 1 0 1 3: 3 0
5. Artoonia 0 0 0 2 1: 6 -5
6. Bluesonia 0 0 0 2 1: 8 -7


MD 1: EL CID THE HERO v. Magnus Valerius W 2 - 3
MD 2: Magnus Valerius v. Bluesonia W 4 - 1
MD 3: Europa Brittania v. Magnus Valerius
MD 4: Oglethorpia v. Magnus Valerius
MD 5: Artoonia v. Magnus Valerius

We are at BFA headquarters in Amissville, where president Javier McGuire and a few other high-ranking BFA officials are watching BSTV coverage of the second match of World Cup XVI qualifying live from Halfassedstates. With 89:12 on the clock, the score is tied at three.

McGuire: "Halfassed, my ass -- these guys don't give up!"

Guy #1: "Well, sir, look who they have for a coach."

McGuire: "Don't remind me...that was my fault. I don't suppose he'd be willing to come back here once his contract with the Hurricanes expires?"

Guy #2: "I'll give you 5000:1 odds on that, considering you exiled him to Pedriana. He's not gonna come back and work for you, and probably not for the BFA in any capacity."

Anchor #1: "And that's Benjamin Xi making his way up the field...he jukes past Bell...Monty Smithers trying to get the ball away, to no avail...whoops, Sleet and Peters blocking his path now, and he passes it over to Jackson Reinhardt. Reinhardt fakes them out to the left, sends a shot to the right...Fleetfoot gets a finger on the ball, but it's NOT ENOUGH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!"

McGuire: "Yaha! Four-three! Take that, Mr. Mitchell!"

Anchor #2: "And with that stoppage-time goal by Reinhardt, the Lions come back from being 3-1 down to take the 4-3 win and three crucial points from Halfassedstates. They knew coming in this would be the toughest match of the ten, and they had to fight for it, but they pulled it off! Impressive effort by the whole team today."

McGuire: "Someone get Barton on the phone. I think he's overdue for a raise."

-------------

Final score:
Halfassedstates 3 (Woods 22, 40; Ze Bulliao 61)
Bedistan 4 (Xi 19; Reinhardt 65, 90+2; Yu pen 78)

Crystils Down Volcanic Archipalego

The Crystilakere football team arrived in the Caribbean at the Volcanic Archipelago of Haperd with High hopes after missing out in world cup 15 only on Goal Differential to Giant Zucchini and others on the last matchday. And the team continued their momentum, after an impressive semi-final appearance in the under 21 competition by defeating haperd in the first world cup 16 match. Giuseppe Zucco scored the first goal for the Crystils half an hour into the match, before a dreadlock wearing haperdan tied the match after 45 minutes. From there it was all Crystilakere, with Carlo Romano and Attacking substitute Toader Pold, in his first ever cup, scoring to give the Crystils the 3-1 Win.


Spurland Hold Crystils to draw

Crystilakere was held to a draw at home to the Beer Republic of Spurland after Beer Drinker Dean Morris scored 60 minutes into the match, cancelling out an earlier spurland own goal which had put the crystils in front. Crystilakere fans had reason to cheer as Oussent Nón, a highly rated 18 year old Crystilakere prospect was introduced at half time for the first time in front of the home fans. His early contributions were less than notable, however late in the match in generated to clear cut scoring opportunities, and mis kicked one of his own, all of which could have seen the Crystils come out with all 3 points.


Crystilakere currently sit 2nd in the Group table, 2 points behind leaders The Eagles Nest, and 1 point ahead of Haperd and tadjikistan

The Sarzonian national team prepared for their first road fixture of the 16th World Cup qualifying campaign after spending the first two matches at home in Portland, earning four points in their two matches. They face New Cyprus, a team ranked 194th in the world, but Coach Bryan Marshall warned the team not to take their record for granted.

"They'll be playing in front of their home supporters and that gives them an edge right there. They have conceded five goals and have yet to score one, so they will most likely be like a wounded animal out for blood."

The Stars, still wary of the prediction by Vilitan experts that they would advance to the World Cup finals, boarded the plane to New Cyprus with a steely determination on the faces of many of their key players.

"We need to get the full three points and do it by playing our style of football," midfielder and team captain Bobby Convey said. "We can't afford to let up a second because they and their supporters will be all over us."

Reserve goalkeeper Kerry Tanner will make his national team debut, subbing for Troy Perkins in a move that Marshall called, "a chance to see what we've got.

"We've played 13 matches, all of them with Troy in the lineup. Kerry has not had a chance to sniff international competition and we need to give him some World Cup-caliber experience."

"Coach told me he wanted to give Kerry a chance with matches against the two top-ranked teams in the group," Perkins said, shrugging off the suggestion that his job as the national team's first choice keeper was in jeopardy.

A Sarzonian national team player who spoke on condition of anonymity agreed with the coach and Perkins.

"Unless Troy gets hurt between now and then, he's going to be right back in there next match," the player said. "Troy has been lights out since the semifinals of the AOCAF tournament. You're not going to see a goalkeeper change, that's for sure."

"I have to take the opportunity that's been given to me," Tanner said. "Troy has been unbelieveable out there and I need to be able to keep up the pace. This may be my one shot to do that."

Jose: So you're telling me that Moosebangers was cancelled too?
Reena: That's what I heard
Jose: Why?
Reena: Apparently there was a full force Canadian invasion of the studio
Jose: I didn't see any military personnel... Did they confuse the outhouse for the studio?
Reena: Did you see that midget with a Nerf gun?
Jose: I thought he was for Ripgaverstoffen's Believe they're Canadians or Not
Reena: He is, but since he was down here, they invaded the studio.
Jose: Really. Well. Oh, are we back on?
Reena: I dunno. Are we?
Jose: I'm getting a... maybe.
Reena: How couldn't we know?
Jose: Does it really matter if we're on or not? No one's watching.
Reena: I guess not.
Jose: I hate women! First they stole one of my ribs, then they took the friggin apple from the snake and got us thrown out of the garden, they caused the whole Roman empire to be split in half... You know what Reena? Get in the kitchen where you belong and cook me up a full rack of ribs. Then, eat apples until you explode, and go apologize to everyone in Italy. How you like that?!
Reena: Jose?
Jose: Yeah?
Reena: Apparently we're getting national coverage.
Jose: Huh?
Reena: We're the only carrier of this cup, so Channel 7 is showing our broadcast nationwide.
Jose: Huh?
Reena: You'll probably be fired later today.
Jose: Oh god
Reena: In other news, we'd like to correct ourselves... This is the Football 16, NOT the football 15 as previously reckoned. Though, I honestly couldn't give a crap.
Jose: Kill me now. I can't get another job in this county, I'm an illegal immigrant
Reena: From where?
Jose: Eauz.
Reena: They have hispanics in Eauz?
Jose: No. I'm Swiss.
Reena: Jimanez is Swiss?
Jose: Well, not really.
Reena: Then how are you swiss?
Jose: look at this watch.
Reena: It's one of them Swiss ones
Jose: I stole it off a swiss guy.
Reena: From Eauz?
Jose: No, from Brazillico.
Reena: They have Swiss in Brazillico?
Jose: Yeah, we's got the Swiss all over.
Reena: Tanah Burung?
Jose: Yep.
Reena: Oglethorpia?
Jose: Probably.
Reena: How'd they get here?
Jose: They teleported.
Reena: How?
Jose: They paid a midget army to make one
Reena: Swiss paid off somebody?
Jose: Well, in Chocolate.
Reena: Don't they have good cheese?
Jose: I dunno
Reena: It's the kind with the holes
Jose: I don't wanna talk about it
Reena: Why not?
Jose: Because the floor manager is signaling me to get off the stage and go jump in the river.
Reena: Really?
Jose: Probably, I haven't looked at him in 23 years. But I'll assume that's what's happening. I'll be back folks... Wait, no I won't.
Reena: Have fun. Send me a postcard.

Minister of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids Still at large

The Frost-Free Bordlerands of Snub Nose 38 Ministry of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids included in this mornings press update an announcement that the Minister is - well, is somewhere. No one is sure where. It is suspected that he is with the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, but since no one knows where he is, that cannot be confirmed.

What is known is that the Minister of SOTUI&BA is still intent on providing as much useless information, to include statistical data (and band aids) as possible. Copies of the flyer provided below were strewn about the streets of Sten this morning - an example of his handiwork.

A reward of 5,000 Vodka Gimlets (VG 5,000.00) is being offered for information about the whereabouts of either Minister, should that information lead to their location and apprehension by the government.


WC Host(s)
World Cup I Arridia
World Cup II Alasdair I Frosticus
World Cup III Total n Utter Insanity
World Cup IV Brazillico
World Cup V Tanah Burung
World Cup VI Lemmitania (as proxy)
World Cup VII Lemmitania & Audioslavia
World Cup VIII Oglethorpia & Bedistan
World Cup IX Ravenspire & Europa Brittania
World Cup X Giant Zucchini & One Red Dot
World Cup XI Total n Utter Insanity & Warnocks Wizards
World Cup XII Lemmitania & Kaze Progressa
World Cup XIII Rejistania & Cockbill Street
World Cup XIV Kingsford & Oglethorpia
World Cup XV Eauz & The Eagles Nest
World Cup XVI Rejistania & Brazillico


WC First Second Third
World Cup I Crosshill Europa Brittania Quohog
World Cup II Al Quds Tanah Burung Europa Brittania
World Cup III Giant Zucchini Crosshill Europa Brittania
World Cup IV Dennisov Jurassica Brazillico
World Cup V Brazillico Lemmitania Svecia
World Cup VI Brazillico Quohog Spaam
World Cup VII Errinundera Spaam Svecia
World Cup VIII Liverpool England Bedistan Haraki
World Cup IX Europa Brittania Ravenspire Liverpool England
World Cup X Lemmitania Giant Zucchini Arridia
World Cup XI Europa Brittania Warnocks Wizards Giant Zucchini
World Cup XII Rejistania Audioslavia Commerce Heights
World Cup XIII Eauz Spaam Bedistan
World Cup XIV Kingsford Rejistania Total n Utter Insanity
World Cup XV Commerce Heights Squornshelous The Eagles Nest

The Curse Continues!
But Melmond Wins Due to Lack of Talent from HypercapitaliZm
By Zuke O’Kenzie of the O’Connor Times

O’CONNOR, MELMOND—Despite the completely embarrassing thrashing at the hands of the suddenly red-hot Oaker side (who may literally be red hot as the jersey of Oaker player Flash Oaker has been bought by many Melmond fans to burn as part of an exorcism ritual to remove the evil of the voodoo dice), Makinshakes Stadium in O’Connor was filled with excitement for their Under-a-Cheevers, mainly due to their opponent HypercapitaliZm, the first ever intraregional opponent as this match will be one of the matches to prove who is the best in the Exclusive Capitalizt Zone. Melmond is already the UN Delegate, but it wants to prove itself as the head of the ECZ football universe as well. In their first World Cup qualifying match ever, HypercapitaliZm played respectably well against Svecia, losing 3-1. However, that respectable side, in what may be another voodoo dice induced disaster, got their flights delayed in a stopover in Turnia. So eleven HypercapitaliZm fans in the stands went on the pitch to play in their place against the talented yet star-crossed Under-a-Cheevers. Having matching uniforms was no problem, as the HypercapitaliZm replacements all wore very smart business parkas to combat the very chilly weather of the O’Connor winter. This day was mild for O’Connor winter standards, as it was barely above freezing and the wind still whipped through the stadium, biting the tip of your nose.
The Under-a-Cheevers were bundled up in their patented white and loser red, and stayed true to their moniker to no fault of their own. The burning attack used by whoever was controlling the voodoo dice was completely ineffective in this weather. Actually, the burning was welcome as it made some of the Under-a-Cheevers a comfortable toasty warm. However, the sudden sharp pains in the body and the occasional head shrinking as well as the strange twists and turns the ball made during any attempt Melmond made for an attack. The only person who seemed to be immune to the voodoo dice attacks was Melmond striker Mornakh the Bloody Handed. Mornakh the Bloody Handed emigrated to Melmond after the collapse of his native land, Warnocks Wizards. He used classic Warnockian Wizardry to protect himself from the voodoo dice attacks. Unfortunately, this protective version of Warnockian Wizardry only works on the spell caster, so the rest of the Under-a-Cheevers were cursed cursed people.
Fortunately, the HypercapitaliZm replacements had virtually no talent in football as they instantly lost possession any time they touched the ball to the head-shrunken and pain twitching Melmond side. Melmond dominated the possession as the suits in parkas just could not catch up to the raw talent of the Under-a-Cheevers. Unfortunately, most of their attempts went awry as the ball went in strange angles and even made a 180 degree turn toward Melmond goalkeeper Gina Unne, who fortunately to an error of the voodoo dice handlers, made Gina Unne’s head five times bigger, so she was able to head the ball all the way across the field back to the Melmondian striker Naol Keelafin, who ended up kicking the ball over the bar anyway. The first half ended scoreless.
After a well-received all star tribute to Capitalizm, both sides were greatly motivated to end the egalitarian commie pinko nil-nil deadlock. However, the suits in parkas of HypercapitaliZm, like so many in the workforce may have enjoyed their jobs, but lack the necessary talents to be successful. Melmond had the talent for the job and showed the fortitude to overcome adversity in the second half with a never say die attitude and looking at what has been working and repeating it. All during the first half, they have had a hard time getting the ball to uncursed striker Mornakh the Bloody Handed. It took many tries with the erratic movements of the ball caused by the voodoo dice, but they were able to find him three times during the second half. Mornakh the Bloody Handed took the ball and weaved around the suits in parkas as if they were bright orange cones on the pitch and easily putting the ball away past the civ goalkeeper. Mornakh the Bloody Handed, as the player who combines the attributes of talent and not being cursed, scores a hat trick with goals at the 57th, 70th, and 84th minutes. Melmond gets the 3-nil victory over HypercapitaliZm and leap frogs them in the standings.
The 3-nil victory is certainly a key number. It seems that the 3-nil result is a paramount of voodoo dice interference. Things do seem to come in threes as now both Melmond and HypercapitaliZm put their privately-owned intelligence to work to find out the culprit behind the voodoo dice as they have three ideas of sources. The one that is most widely believed is Brazillico, who despite a truce between the Brazillican and Melmondian FAs, may still harbor some resentment from their voodoo dice related loss in the Cup of Harmony. Another one suggested was Turnia, as one of their own let slip that he takes part of voodoo activities and Turnia inexplicably beat the team of destiny twice during World Cup 15 qualifying when it was clear that Melmond was the more talented side. The third suspect is Oaker, a team that has been on a tear in Group 3. They upset the cursed Melmond side 3-nil and recently won against Cirdanistan 3-nil. Remember, 3-nil is the sign of the voodoo dice. We will keep you updated on the story as it continues to unfold.

Goals
Bloody Handed, MEL 57th
Bloody Handed, MEL 70th
Bloody Handed, MEL 84th

Cards
None

Standings

Other Group 3 Results
Oaker 3 – Cirdanistan 0
Svecia 1 – Snub Nose 38 0

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Oaker 6 2 0 0 6:0 6
2. Svecia 6 2 0 0 4:1 3
3. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 1 5:1 4
4. Melmond 3 1 0 1 3:3 0
5. HypercapitaliZm 0 0 0 2 1:6 -5
6. Cirdanistan 0 0 0 2 0:8 -8

Team Stats
Goals: Mornakh the Bloody Handed (3)
Cards: None

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor) W 3-0
@ Snub Nose 38
@ Svecia
@ Cirdanistan
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
@ Snub Nose 38

Well if things keep on going as they are, the Under-a-Cheevers should be slaughtered by the Hooligans of Snub Nose 38 at 38 Special Stadium. Snub Nose 38 is a hard working and rather talented side which has some knowledge of Melmondian style football, as backup goalkeeper Peaches plays for Cali Purples and starting midfielder Keats plays for Acosta Browns of the Melmond Premier League. Rumour has it that Peaches may start for the Hooligans for his knowledge of how to stop the Melmond strikers. Of course, the voodoo dice may do that already. Fortunately, one of the players, defender Trav Strachan, has recovered from his voodoo dice related injuries and will start in this match. Goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm and striker Chris Owen are still recovering. The Under-a-Cheevers would be happy to leave with a tie. Here is Manager Gerry Cheevers’ starting lineup. Let us hope that the voodoo dice culprit will be stopped.

GK- Gina Unne
D- Jonsi Torrini
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Trav Strachan
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Rainy Zoulthane
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Mornakh the Bloody Handed
F- Naol Keelafin

For tickets to Snub Nose 38 and the match, call the Therewegoes Travel Agency at 3-18-357-9009. If you love to booze and fight during your football matches…this is the place! Yahoo! Also, that this place is frost-free, it’s pretty warm, so dress accordingly.

- Margaret, we're just a little concerned about a player on the Melmond side.
- Who, Ben?
- Whats-his-face the Bloody Handed.
- ...the Bloody Handed?
- Yes. Some of the guys...
- ...Bloody Handed???
- Yes, Margaret. What we...
- Hmmm...lookit, Ben - Eileen, here's whatcha do. Tell that Saber-Tooth to mark him all day, an' if ol' Bloody Handed gets - er - rowdy - just make sure he really is bloody-handed.
- But...
- No buts. That cat has some VERY big teeth. Make sure he sharpens 'em before the match. Wouldn't hurt if Whats-his-face Bloody Handed happened to see him doing it.
- See, we...
- No time. Gotta get to the market and pick up some chicken. Lame-brain left me an empty larder.

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Vilita [2]-[3] Audioslavia
[ Banda 46 : Salomón 69 ]------------------ [ Laver 30, 66, : Croft 54 ]


The Shultis, Lonngeylin, Vilita
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..........The Vilita Jungle Cats National team arrived home at the Alikki-Corra International Aerohub to the cheers of thousands of Football fans from The mainland and the islands alike. For the first time in Jungle Cat history, they opened their World Cup qualifying campaign with a commanding victory, quickly taking inverse comparisons to the Jungle Cats 0-4 defeat to the Lowlands Clans in their first World Cup campaign, as saying the Cats were destined to top Their group this time around, after finishing bottom in that Campaign for qualification in the 13th Cup. The 4-0 win over Hazlia also brought another piece of history home with it to Vilita, and that was Callum Banda's registering of the first ever Senior International hat trick in Vilitan colors. Banda was recognized at a makeshift ceremony inside the Aerohub, and was presented with a commerative plaque by the Vilitan FA.

..........However, preparations for the Audioslavian match took the center stage after that, with the media hounding the National Practice fields in Tivali City, and the Vilitan FA upholding it's closed door policy, allowing the media access only to scrape what they could out of Head Coach Helmut Vilkaus, assistant Baron O'Toole, and a selection of players at the Daily Press Conferences. When the matchday arrived, The Shultis was more than sold out, with all 38,000 seats packed, and the 30,000(approx) capacity mountainside filled with Jungle Cat colors in preparation for what was certain to be one of the most exciting matches of the entire World Cup 16 Qualifying competition.


..........The match started slowly, with neither side looking to give up anything in the way of a scoring opportunity. with so much on the line, it was clear that both sides would be happy to end the match on level terms, but deep inside they knew that if either of them could collect all 3 points, then they would be on course for the World Cup finals, with little resistance to come from the other 4 teams in the group. the rested Germán Salomón was a key element in the Vilitan side, however, with two early chances that could have given the Jungle Cats a vital goal in this closely matches competition between two classic footballing sides. A scare for the Jungle Cats on the half hour mark came as the slaves went up 1-0. However, none of the Vilitan fans were worried about the score at that time, as the focus was on Jungle Cat Keeper Massimo Corsi, whose instinctual dive for the Audioslavian rebound attempt saw the Vilitan everpresent crash shoulder first into his right hand post, and getting his right hand caught in the netting, which had to be cut out and replaced, causing a 10-15 minute stoppage in the match. Corsi received treatment on his injured shoulder, and avoided any hand lacerations due to the thickened gloves he opts to wear for international competition.

..........The goal, scored by Slaves' striker James Laver, was the result of some bad play from the Vilitan Midfield, namely Tivali City's Alexander Östling. Östling attempted to be too fancy while coming up against 2 Audioslavians, and was easily disposessed leaving the Vilitan defense to handle a 4 on 3 the opposite way. Corsi saved well the first attempt by Audioslavian Danny Bracken, but the ball fell nicely to Laver who made no mistake on the second attempt. It is unknown how the referee timed the rest of the first half, as if the clock had kept running through, then the regular 45 would have been about over when play resumed, even though the official goal time was 31 minutes. And with little added time to play, the rest of the half played out with the slaves taking their 0-1 advantage to the dressing room.

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VILITA JUNGLE CATS v. Audioslavia

GK:: Massimo Corsi
D:: Jaloey Afrikka
D:: Enzo Ahat
D:: Giacomo Adika
DM:: Jürgen Ramzi
MC:: Santo Kecker
MC:: Umberto Melli
MC:: Alexander Östling
MR:: Jonathon Stott
FC:: Germán Salomón
FC:: Callum Banda
-----------------SUBS
FC:: Serge DuPont
FC:: Jim Vella
M:: Jonathon Baledrokadroka
M:: Calaesa Mitaroka
U:: Malovar Stokks
D:: Danilo Liguori
GK:: Jimmy Kater
..........Head Coach Helmut Vilkaus, unimpressed by the performance of his Midfield, made two half time substitutions, both straight up midfield swaps, with Alexander Östling and Jonathon Stott being replaced by Jlinal Cove's impressive Winger Jonathon Baledrokadroka, and the rising Yeaddin Owls youth star Calaesa Mitaroka. From the opening Kickoff of the second half, Baledrokadroka received the ball on the Right, an unfamiliar position for him on the National level, usually occupied by Stott, but Baledrokadroka felt right at home, beating out 2 Audioslavians, and crossing before being tackled by the third, his cross powering into the Audioslavian penalty area, meeting the head of Callum Banda, just out of the reach of slaves keeper James Scott, and into the back of the net to the delight of the 60,000+ home fans in attendance. Banda's 4th consecutive Jungle Cat goal, and his 24th career on the Senior level had put the two qualification rivals back on level terms, with still 45 minutes left to play.


..........The introduction of Baledrokadroka seemed to hurt the Jungle Cats, as the more defensive style of Ramzi was lost and the Hazlian Attack was able to run a bit more freely, even getting a long shot on, rustling Corsi's feathers abit 10 minutes after the half. Simultaniously, Tivali City's Hluali Mijatos began warming up to the excitement of the Vilitan support, eager to see the 19 year old in action for the first time on the Senior level. As the hour approached, Vilkaus called Mijatos over for some last minute instructions. Unfortunately, Mijatos and the Hazlian Water Buffalo mascot were travelling on two different wavelengths. The oversized Buffalo swung around as Mijatos was in mid-stride, accidentally causing the young striker to lose his footing and crash head first into the plexi-glassed dugout. Mijatos stood up, with all eyes now focussed away from the match, and attempted to trot away. Unable to put any pressure on his left leg, Mijatos crouched to the floor and awaited attention from the physio. While the head first dive into the dugout left the World Cup newcomer with a dented conscience, it was his unlucky landing ontop of an exposed water sprinkler that left the dent in his knee, and his first international cap. Experienced striker Jim Vella, Banda's regular teammate at Marine Coast United, quickly readied himself, and Banda shook hands with his teammate on the way off the pitch to the ecstatic cheers of the Jungle Cat Support.

..........Vilkaus quickly altered his match plans, and just 3 minutes later sent Declasse Division starlet Antonis Ratuva on for his first ever Senior International Appearance, in place of the ever-present Enzo Ahat. Ratuva, a less known player from Jlinal Wanderers, the new local rivals for Stellar Division's Jlinal Cove, did not receive the same reception that Mijatos was set to hear, however it was apparent that many supporters were anxious to see the debutant utility player in action. Ratuva's impact was small throughout his less than 30 minutes of action, however he did make a crucial intervention with the last touch of the game to clear a potentially dangerous Hazlia cross, before Oglethorpian referee blew to end World Cup 16 Qualifying matchday 1, a 4-0 Victory for the Jungle Cats.

Marine Finish 19 matches Unbeaten to re-claim VSD Title

Vilitan FA Press Release, Alikki-Corra, Vilita::
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..........Marine Coast United went Unbeaten in their final 19 Stellar Division Matches, including two crucial victories over Rivals, And runners-up Yeaddin Owls AFC, who finished just two points behind the star studded Marine side. In the first meeting between the sides, Marine Coast were boosted by goals from two Youth Propsects, both in their first year with the club. Defender Alioum Babale opened the scoring 11 minutes in, before Owls 22 Goal Turorian Striker Akamoari Liano leveled the scores on 18 minutes.

..........As the result of a frantic battle in the box, Coasts Kwame Tchami put Marine back on top 4 minutes later with his first career tally. Then Marine Coast got serious, with Vilitan National Striker Jim Vella working well to head home in the 28th minute, putting his side 3-1 up. Then, just 5 minutes later, Vella went up for Enzo Ahat's corner when fellow Vilitan International Matteo Ollirg blatantly fouled Vella, Ahat easily converting the penalty. Liano added a second for himself and the Owls in a late comeback drive, and Owls 30 goal scorer and International Prospect Jan Christiansen's 75th minute goal was not enough, Marine Coast hanging on for the 4-3 victory.

..........The second match was a bit less eventful, Baron O'Toole heading Marine in front early, before a controversial second half penalty was converted by Ahat, again sealing all 3 points for Marine Coast, and ineveitable bringing the Stellar Division Championship back to Crosaibi. Callum Banda's 21 goals led Marine Coast, and also earned him the Player of the Season award at Marine Coast over the always impressive Jurgen Ramzi.

Vilita Starting Lineup vs. Adrasuvare
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KATER HANDED STARTING ROLE!!!!! Liguori in for Adika (Sits Out - Rest) Corsi (Sits Out - Shoulder) Mitaroka in for Melli (Sits Out - Rest)Christiansen on Bench for Vella (Sits Out - Selection) Former Youth Duo Sioane, Aliana Return to Bench More...News to follow....

VILITA JUNGLE CATS v. Adrasuvare
-----------------------LINEUP---

GK:: Jimmy Kater
D:: Danilo Liguori
D:: Enzo Ahat
D:: Jaloey Afrikka
DM:: Jürgen Ramzi
MC:: Santo Kecker
MC:: Calaesa Mitaroka
MC:: Alexander Östling
MR:: Jonathon Stott
FC:: Germán Salomón
FC:: Callum Banda
-----------------SUBS
FC:: Serge DuPont
FC:: Jan Christiansen
M:: Jonathon Baledrokadroka
M:: Malovar Stokks
U:: Marasent Sioane
D:: Esemar Aliana
GK:: Rory Issah


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Matches & Venues:

M01:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [2] - [3] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare
M04:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10:
Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

SVECIA SIZZLING OVER VILITA PREDICTIONS
NEWS CLIPPING DRAWS IRE OF LIGHTNING

Svecia 1 Snub Nose 38 0

VILÄMNA, Svecia - A recent prediction by a newspaper from Vilita left the Svecian voetbal players steaming. The paper left Svecia behind Oaker, with Snub Nose and Melmond advancing to the final 32.

This 'miscalculation', as claimed by Svecian striker Mikael Solskjaer, meant that Svecia had something to prove to their fans and the voetbal community around that world (and especially the writer of the Vilita article) coming into the home match last night against the supposed group winner, Snub Nose 38.

The Rijksstadion was a mass of bright orange as the Lightning donned their new orange jerseys for the first time at home and their fans followed suit, with estimated sales of the replica jerseys around the country drawing in over 32 million hundras, and world sales were at 1 million hundra, showing the support the Svecian side receives from transplanted Svecians and other nations' citizens.

So it was perhaps a combination of the distracting crowd and the Svecikan determination that proved to be a winning combination for the Lightning.

Although the teams were very evenly matched, Svecia eventually came out ahead with a 73rd minute strike off a free kick by Solskjaer. His 31 yard kick curved past the Hooligan keeper and banged off the upright before settling behind the line.

"I thought our side played very well tonight" claimed new coach Matt de Fijts after the match

"We just need to play that well in 15 more matches" Lightning keeper Piet van Meer added.

Well yes it is 15, but let's start with the next 8 matches and take it from there.

WC First Second Third
World Cup I Crosshill Europa Brittania Quohog
World Cup II Al Quds Tanah Burung Europa Brittania
World Cup III Giant Zucchini Crosshill Europa Brittania
World Cup IV Dennisov Jurassica Brazillico
World Cup V Brazillico Lemmitania Svecia
World Cup VI Brazillico Quohog Spaam
World Cup VII Errinundera Spaam Svecia
World Cup VIII Liverpool England Bedistan Haraki
World Cup IX Europa Brittania Ravenspire Liverpool England
World Cup X Lemmitania Giant Zucchini Arridia
World Cup XI Europa Brittania Warnocks Wizards Giant Zucchini
World Cup XII Rejistania Audioslavia Commerce Heights
World Cup XIII Eauz Spaam Bedistan
World Cup XIV Kingsford Rejistania Total n Utter Insanity
World Cup XV Commerce Heights Squornshelous The Eagles Nest



Hey, I came 3rd in WCXV, not 4th.

World Cup XV Commerce Heights Squornshelous Eauz

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Vilita [0]-[0] Adrasuvare


The Pit Farm, Ammavilla, Adrasuvare
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Jimmy Kater was awarded his first senior international start after manager Helmut Vilkaus and Starting keeper Massimo Corsi agreed that Corsi should be rested for the upcoming Raptor Claw and Redavic Union matches after injuring his shoulder in the 2-3 defeat to Audioslavia. Kater performed well in his debut outing, saving 7 Adrasuvare shots, including a 53rd minute penalty kick after Danilo Liguori was beaten in the area and downed an Adrus' striker. The rest of the match was lackluster, but notable appearances were made by Yeaddin Owls 30 goal phenom Jan Christiansen, replacing Calaesa Mitaroka in an attacking subtitution on the hour, and Esemar Aliana making his first appearance of the competition for Danilo Liguor shortly after. Ten minutes from time, Rory Issah, the former starting goalkeeper for the Jungle Cats prior to their world cup days, was given a bow out in net, playing the last 10 minutes for Kater, receiving a rousing applause from the 11,000+ travelling Vilitan support.

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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Jimmy Kater, [D] Danilo Liguori, [D] Enzo Ahat, [D] Jaloey Afrikka, [DM] Jürgen Ramzi, [M] Santo Kecker, [M] Calaesa Mitaroka, [M] Alexander Östling, [M] Jonathon Stott, [F] Germán Salomón, [F] Callum Banda
BENCH::
[F] Serge DuPont, [F] Jan Christiansen, [M] Jonathon Baledrokadroka, [M] Malovar Stokks, [U] Marasent Sioane, [D] Esemar Aliana, [GK] Rory Issah



Prophecies Predict Vilitan Crash

Dark Arts & Prophecies Department, Rammsissil, Vilita::
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..........The Vilita Jungle Cats were surprisingly knocked out of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers today by an underclassed Adrasuvare team, expected to be easily handled by the much more professional Vilitan squad. However, Adrasuvare, supported by a late formula change, despite the lack of internal complaints of their previous results, were able to hold the Jungle Cats to a scoreless Draw, all but ending the Jungle Cats hopes of qualification through to the World Cup Finals. Like the last cup, after Starting Strong, the Jungle Cats have quickly died, and are likely to be Eaten Alive by Raptor Claw in the next qualifying match, which would see the Raptors through to the Finals in place of Vilita.



Squad Selected for Raptor Claw

Vilita Teamsheet vs. Raptor Claw
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Massimo Corsi has recovered from the Shoulder injury that kept him out of the Adrasuvare match in time to start in the important Raptor Claw match. Danilo Liguori, who has been struggling to make full fitness in defense, again misses out entirely on the away trip to practice with the AOCAF squad in Tivali City. Marasent Sioane replaces Calaesa Mitaroka in a youthful swap, leaving Jonathon Baledrokadroka and Alexander Östling on the bench. However, the most notable change in the lineup sees the currently out of form Germán Salomón dropped from the starting eleven to re-form the formiddable Marine Coast United striking partnership of Callum Banda and Jim Vella. Lorenzo Mumamba also earns a surprise appearance on the bench.

Goalkeepers :: Massimo Corsi & Jimmy Kater
Defenders :: Enzo Ahat, Jaloey Afrikka, Giacomo Adika & Emarka Laniora
Midfielders :: Jürgen Ramzi, Santo Kecker, Umberto Melli, Marasent Sioane, Jonathon Stott, Calaesa Mitaroka, Alexander Östling & Jonathon Baledrokadroka
Forwards :: Callum Banda, Jim Vella, Germán Salomón & Lorenzo Mumamba






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Matches & Venues:
M01: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [2] - [3] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [0] - [0] Adrasuvare
M04: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

It's like a Hitchcockian Thriller!
Starblaydia fly like The Birds and get Vertigo in 2nd place after 3 games.

The rather poor incident of J.J. Stark turning into some kind of a Psycho and being sent off for a two-footed tackle Frenzy on a Slaikau striker was the only black mark in Starblaydia's copybook. He is Young and Innocent, and should probably be given a friendly talking to rather than a tabloid-driven hangman's Rope.

Slaikau's defenders looked like Strangers on a Train as Starblaydia set about them, though the heavy wind blowing North by Northwest certainly didn't help their aerial game. Even when Simeone Di Bradini, who is increasingly becoming Notorious for his Alan Belmore-like influence of the Starblaydi scoring charts, scored his 5th international goal in all senior competitions. Di Bradini made a Starblaydia victory secure without a Shadow of a Doubt, despite the Suspicion of just a 1-0 scoreline.

I Confess, it seemed that Starblaydia were on top but couldn't put more than one past the Slaikau 'keeper, who got over his inital Stagefright to perform well.

When Lazerevski was sacrified for the Number Seventeen, David Benson, after 70 minutes Starblaydia were obviously settling down for the 1-0. This didn't prevent a few Slaikau chances, but the Champagne was flowing by the end as Starblaydia gained second place in Group 14.

Final Score:
Slaikau 0 - 1 Starblaydia
(Di Bradini 66)

Other Group 14 News
Soccer Hooliganism 0 - 0 Cockbill Street
Another Draw that the Street will be cursing themselves over with their failure to score
Commerce Heights 1 - 2 Iansisle
A great win by table-topping Iansisle over the World Champions

Group 14 standings
Group 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Iansisle 7 2 1 0 5: 2 3
*2 Starblaydia 6 2 0 1 4: 3 1*
3. Cockbill Street 5 1 2 0 2: 1 1
4. Commerce Heights 3 1 0 2 5: 3 2
5. Slaikau 2 0 2 1 2: 3 -1
6. Soccer Hooliganism 1 0 1 2 1: 7 -6

The maker of this post would like to acknowledge the help of the internet movie database. That is all.

Vilitan Nation Mourns Death of Basic Numeracy
Vilitan Mathematicians have IQs so low they need to think about it

When you consider this match report and analysis...



The Vilita Jungle Cats were surprisingly knocked out of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers today by an underclassed Adrasuvare team, expected to be easily handled by the much more professional Vilitan squad. However, Adrasuvare, supported by a late formula change, despite the lack of internal complaints of their previous results, were able to hold the Jungle Cats to a scoreless Draw, all but ending the Jungle Cats hopes of qualification through to the World Cup Finals. Like the last cup, after Starting Strong, the Jungle Cats have quickly died, and are likely to be Eaten Alive by Raptor Claw in the next qualifying match, which would see the Raptors through to the Finals in place of Vilita.

... One can get the opinon that Vilita will need perhaps a strange string of results or some mathematically-possible, unrealistic results to go through. However:

Region 6 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Audioslavia 9 3 0 0 11: 3 8
2. The Redavic Union 9 3 0 0 6: 1 5
*3 Vilita 4 1 1 1 6: 3 3*
4. Raptor Claw 3 1 0 2 5: 3 2
5. Adrasuvare 1 0 1 2 0: 8 -8
6. Hazlia 0 0 0 3 1:11 -10

5 points behind the two top teams looks a lot, but with 21 points left to win from the remaining seven games, 4 + 21 > 9.

Starblaydian Maths teachers are now reported to be emigrating to Vilita in droves.

Birds Win 2 More

Injuries Mar Tadjikistan Game; Give Up First Goal Against Crystalikare

After a 3-0 win over Tadjikistan which saw many of the home team's best players carried off or sent off, the Strike Birds played their first home game before a screaming stadium full of 87,000 Nest fans.

The game opened up a very phyical games, with 3 yellow cards displayed within teh first 20 minutes, finally, the rough play turned ugly as the Crystils defense pulled a double crunch on striker Weber Strong, resulting in 2 more yellow cards and a penalty kick as it happened just inside teh corner of the box. Strong was in no position to take the kick right then, so Siggy Secour put it home to make it 1-nil. No more goals were scored that half as both teams finally calmed down their rough play.

After the second half started, Crystils tied the game as Zucco scored 3 minutes into the half, but Secour gave the lead back to the Nest 5 minutes later. The scoring was finalized by a now recouperated Strong at minute 79.

The Nest now travels to surpise second place Harerd in their most important game yet.


Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 3 3 0 0 11 1 10 9 30
2 Haperd 3 2 0 1 7 5 2 6 27
3 Tadjikistan 3 2 0 1 6 6 0 6 27
4 Crystilakere 3 1 1 1 5 5 0 4 25
5 Spurland 3 0 1 2 6 9 -3 1 22
6 Loonyvania 3 0 0 3 0 9 -9 0 21


The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania Win 5-0
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan Win 3-0
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere Win 3-1
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland

The Dominion Reporter
International Edition

Note: Due to circumstances beyond our control, today's edition of this newspaper was printed in Lexington, Commerce Heights. Details follow.

Top Story:
Communications Out All Over Bedistan
Football match blamed

MIDWAY, AIS -- Large portions of the city of Midway, Bedistan are no longer standing. An estimated þ6.7 billion in damage was inflicted upon the city last night by hundreds of thousands of rioters in town to watch the World Cup qualifying match between Bedistan and Aquilla. A reportedly unfavorable result (which our dignity prevents us from reprinting) caused the entire stadium to riot. A similar problem occurred when the two teams faced each other in qualifying four years ago, but that time only James Parker National Stadium was damaged. Today, Parker National no longer stands, nor does about a third of the city of Midway. To make matters worse, Midway is the second most important Bedistani city in terms of communications (only Sonoma City is greater). As a result, the vast majority of the nation is now left without Internet access or even telephone service, and it has been made nearly impossible to communicate with the outside world.

"I've never seen the likes of it," said Bedistani president Jamie Penaloza when interviewed. "But I somehow feel that this is nature's way of punishing us for the way we've lived here for the past 45 years." Penaloza is a member of the Green Party. She has declared the entire province of Aistera, which contains Midway, a disaster area, and relief is already on its way to help the 975,000 people who lost their homes in the incident. An additional 73,615 are dead, with over 60,000 injured.

Just like last time this happened, the Bedistan Lions will be playing the rest of their home matches at Holmes Stadium in Columbia. It is certain that a new stadium will be built in Midway on the site of Parker National, but it is expected to have a different design.

Reserve goalkeeper Kerry Tanner finally shook off the rust of not playing in Sarzonia's first 13 international matches by starting in the match against the Group 9 fifth seed New Cyprus. Besides allowing a soft goal in the eighth minute, the first goal for New Cyprus in World Cup 16 qualifying, he steadied himself and the Stars' backline en route to a convincing 4-1 win.

The win put the Sarzonians into a tie for first place in the group with Lovisa with the Stars set to face group favorites Tanah Burnung in a home match in Portland.

"We are going to have our hands full against a team ranked 13th in the world coming into this tournament," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "We can't afford to be in awe of the surroundings or be caught napping for even a moment."

"I misplayed a cross in the area," Tanner said. "That's what led to their goal. You can tell I haven't played an international match before."

"We needed to get Kerry some experience," assistant coach Dave Wilson said. "Now that we have, we're going to put Troy [Perkins, the team's starting goalkeeper] back in. We're going to need to play our best football to beat Tanah Burnung."

The Stars got goals from forward Anton Gregor, midfielders John Belmont and Bobby Convey, and defender Mike Coyle. Coyle's 88th minute tally put an end to a desperate run when New Cyprus sent their goalkeeper forward to try to force the attack.

Tanah Burnung defeated Jeruselem 1-0 in their most recent match, leaving the group's third seeds three points behind Sarzonia and Lovisa, but Marshall cautioned the team against relying on the standings.

"They're coming in probably disappointed in their first three results and they'll be out to make us look like a bunch of football neophytes. They're itching to give us a dose of football reality."

GOAL SCORERS:
Sarzonia: Gregor 14 (Russell); Belmont 27 (Convey); Convey 54 (Russell); Coyle 88 (Wilson).
New Cyprus [Someone] 8

Crystils Cracked

The previously undefeated Crystilakere football team arrived in The Eagles Nest knowing a victory would see them top of the table. The Birds were too good as the World Cup 15 Semi-Finalists went into the half time with a 1-0 lead. However, a rejuvinated Crystilakere side was able to level the match to the despair of the home crowd in The Eagles Nest, after highly rated 18 year old substitute Oussent Nón fed Giuseppe Zucco 15 yards out, and Zucco was able to score his second goal of the competition. The lead would not last long as The Eagles Nest goalscorer Siggy Secour added his second of the match to allow the birds to retake the lead. The match was put out of the Crystils reach with just over 10 minutes to play when Weber Strong finished off the scoring and handed Crystilakere their first defeat of the world cup.

Crystilakere currently sit 4th in the Group table, 5 points behind leaders The Eagles Nest, and 2 points behind of Haperd and tadjikistan, who both won their matches on the 3rd matchday.


Results:
Matchday 1: Crystilakere V Haperd Win 3-1
Matchday 2: Crystilakere V Spurland Win 1-1
Matchday 3: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest Lose 1-3
Matchday 4: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan
Matchday 5: Crystilakere V Loonyvania
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: Crystilakere V Haperd
Matchday 7: Crystilakere V Spurland
Matchday 8: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest
Matchday 9: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan
Matchday10: Crystilakere V Loonyvania

Pschychoes Victorious Against Group 12 Contender

In Matchday 3, the Squornshelous Pschychoes defeated NASTIC 2, who are a dark horse to qualify from Group 12. This win left Squornshelous still in second place, due to another win from Krytenia. However, we feel that we are in a very strong position. We have played against two of the three major threats in our group with fairly favorable results: this Matchday's win, and a 1-1 draw against Nikea in Matchday 2. With two games remaining in the first half of qualification, we are expecting to win both. The game with Krytenia should be close and exciting, more than can be said for the other match. If these winning trends continue, which indeed they should, Squornshelous should qualify easily, however, with our team's world cup 14 performance in mind, nothing is for certain. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 2-1 NASTIC 2

Scoring Summary:
SQ: Jones [27]
SQ: Keiths [48]
N2: (player) [63]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Jones: 3
Keiths: 2
Rutter: 1




Group 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Krytenia 9 3 0 0 11: 1 10
2. Squornshelous 7 2 1 0 6: 2 4
3. Nikea 7 2 1 0 4: 1 3
4. NASTIC 2 3 1 0 2 6: 5 1
5. The Water Cooler 0 0 0 3 0: 9 -9
6. The Gulf States 0 0 0 3 0: 9 -9

2 - 0 win calms fans

Tiger fans angry, but calmed down after a new Tadjik win

Loonyvania -The loss to TEN and the difficult match in Spurland had left their marks, the fans got angry at the team. This would be an important match, the Tigers had to perform better then they had done upto now. A win was expected but many fans were sceptic and pessimist, thinking the team wouldnt get past this weaker opponent.

The Tigers played better then they did in their last match, but they wer still missing the injured Cherniakhovskij and the suspended Gromov, in their place Managarov and Rokossovskij played. The first goal was made by Rokossovskij in the 40th minute with a long shot from 30m away. One of the most beautiful shots we've seen so far. It was releaving for the fans to see their team score. But the Tigers didnt really control the match. the only man on the field that really impressed us throughout the entire match was Pliiev, Triandafillov made a good decision taking him along as Captain. Pliiev brought the ball into the pack from a corner and Terekhin scored the second goal. The Tigers werent doing very good, they had to score from corners and in phases like this. Triandafillov still has some work to do getting the team trough qualification.

He still has some time, but the Tigers will have to do better in their next match against Cristalikere. Gromov is returning the the team, Cherniakhovskij will most likely make his return too. The Tigers will need some luck and the support from their fans, who will be their 12th man as they play at home.


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 9 3 0 0 11: 1 10
2. Haperd 6 2 0 1 7: 5 2
3. Tadjikistan 6 2 0 1 6: 6 0
4. Crystilakere 4 1 1 1 5: 5 0
5. Spurland 1 0 1 2 6: 9 -3
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 3 0: 9 -9


MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest L 0-3
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

New! New! New!

Try the New Board game that is sweeping the World.

Either take control of the evil CommiZ forces of Eauza, or the even eviler CapliZ forces of CHa and attempt to conqueror the World by swinging countries to your political views. Send troops or aid to help sure up your puppet governments. Including the nations of TBonia, Lemmirania, Snubnosia, Kingsfora, Oglania, ASania, and many more.

RRP 88Mt

Any relation to any nations, living, dead or living dead, is purely coincidental.

Le LIBRE

Inexperience beginning to show

Starting out well in match day 1, Les Bleus are finally showing their inexperience against experienced teams. Coming off a heartbreaking 1 – 0 loss against NEWI, Les Bleus faced off against Creedence Clearwater at home. Les Bleus were hoping to get back to their winning ways and prevent the NEWI’s from getting further in the standings.

Les Bleus were on an early attack starting from a corner kick. The kick went far but found its way back into Eauz possession. The shot was taken, only to be stopped by a diving CC keeper. At the other end, Rousoi held strong against a few attacks by CC. The closest in the first half CC came was off of a corner kick which was headed towards the net, only to sail over the top. The first half ended in a 0 – 0 tie. Both teams were trying to play safely and defensively providing very few chances.

The second half provided no change from the first half, for the reasons that both teams were expecting the other to pull off a few major attacks. The match would end after 5 minutes of extra time in a 0 – 0 tie, providing no hope for Les Bleus except for 1 more point.

With the 0 – 0 tie, Les Bleus have been shutout for 192 minutes, something which was unheard of with the past few World Cup teams. As for the coach, he is upset at the fact Les Bleus are not playing together as a team, rather as a bunch of players who have no clue what is going on. After 3 match days, Les Bleus were hoping to be at least with 6 points and a maximum of 9, but are in fact only with 4 points tied with Avenging Altos. Les Bleus can only hope to save face by winning the next 3 matches against inexperienced teams. If Les Bleus want to have a chance at qualifying, they need to win these next 3 matches along with revenge against NEWI. Look for a change in the way Les Bleus play, as the coach will take the few days off to try and get the team to play together.


Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. NEWI Cefn Druids 9 3 0 0 11: 2 9
2. Creedence Clearwater 7 2 1 0 5: 2 3
3. Eauz 4 1 1 1 6: 1 5
4. Avenging Altos 4 1 1 1 4: 3 1
5. Ebon Hawk 1 0 1 2 3: 9 -6
6. Nominaen 0 0 0 3 1:13 -12



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 6 – 0
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids L 0 – 1
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 0 – 0
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Econ Hawks

http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/vilita/vn/tn/logo.gif

Turori [3]-[0] Dead Man
[ Liano 9, 31 :: Mumamba 20 ]------------------ [ Liano 34, 41 :: Houabou 78 ---------- ]


Gravestone National, Ditchavilla, Dead Man
http://www.dirt-racing.com/3wide/sites/aofiles/rp/bar.gif

.......The Turori Eels extended their National & Regional record World Cup Qualifying unbeaten streak to 15 games away to Dead Man on Matchday 3 of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers. The Eels last World Cup qualifying defeat came at the hands of KPB Rank #2 and u21 Champions Bedistan on Matchday 6 of World Cup 15 Qualifying. Like Largemanistan, Turori knew nothing about their Dead Man opponents prior to the match, with no real historical archives or tapes of the team publically available, coach Disterfred relied soley on word of mouth to gather information about is side.

The only change in the Eels lineup saw the unsurprising return of Boaibou Houabou to the starting lineup. The experienced midfielder had lost his place in the squad following the Lowlands Clan scandal during the World Cup 15 qualifiers, however, came off the bench and made a large impact in the side during the first two matchday. Houabou took the place of Yabaiy Tbaiao, and again proved that he deserves his place in the starting lineup, delivering an inch perfect cross from the right hand side that Akamoari Liano easily headed through the Dead Man net to give the Eels a 1-0 advantage just 10 minutes into the match.

10 minutes later, Turori doubled their advantage, this time through a rejuvinated Malaino Mumamba. Mumamba, who showed flash and potential after being injected into the Turori Side as a youth prospect during World Cup 15 Qualifiers, had not equalled his billing in the opening two World Cup 16 Qualifying matches. However, He looked a class above his opposition in Dead Man, with a Dazzling run through the center that never looked as if it would finish anywhere but in the back of the net. Mumamba again showed his prowess a further 10 minutes later, working well before dishing off to Liano at the last gasp, Liano with an easy Tap-In for his 5th goal of the competition and second of the match.


The Eels were content to hold on to their 3-0 lead, knowing that a solid defensive display would earn them all three points. However, an injury to Defender Moiba Linaian forced a halftime subtitution by coach Disterfred. With no real defensive options to go with, Disterfred chose to insert regular starter Yabaiy Tbaiao, who was displaced by the re-emergent Houabou for the match. The altered formation opened the field for Dead Man to take more possession, and the second half was a fairly even affair, with the match eventually ending as it was at half time, a 3-0 victory for the Turori Eels.


Turori Roster vs. Dead Man
Turori Eels (4-4-2) ::
[GK] Miluao Slietah, [D] Moiba Linaian, [D] Marlian Linaian, [D] Linoi Niabula, [D] Kiatin Likao, [M] Makaus Likao, [M] Boaibou Houabou, [M] Malaino Mumamba, [M] Cuoliua Tuirma, [F] Jualiar Vumaou, [F] Akamoari Liano BENCH::
[F] Kaboafo Iobabao, [F] Mika Sakatorra, [M] Yabaiy Tbaiao, [U] Ugo Doohan, [GK] G.Q. Disterfred

--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

Result: Spurland 2 Haperd 4
Spurland Yet To Win At Home

Three first half goals without reply from Haperd sealed the victory for the visiting side. All three goals were scored by the #9 striker, easily cutting through the defence whenever he pleased.

Spurland pulled 2 goals back but never really looked in with a chance of overcoming the large first half deficit. Both goals for the home team wee scored by Alaau Morris, who once again staked claim to his place in the starting eleven after brother Dean made claims for the position recently. The win was sealed in the dieing minutes of the match by Haperd #2 defender.

Spurland have yet to keep a cleansheet in the tournament so far and because of this changes are expected at the back. Spurland now find themselves one place from bottom in the group.

Manager Morzaria commented after the match, "I thought we could atleast get a point out of this game but the mistakes in the first half cost us dearly, despit winning the second half, we could not pull ourselves back up enough.

"Hopefully we will win against Loonyvania, if we loose this game at home I think we need to demolish our stadium and move it elsewhere, maybe that will help. We are yet to win at home and give our fans something to cheer about.

"Paul Kelly has been training very hard and I think I will put hi back in defence. William Prince has been only average, so I will play Thorston Willhelmson in his place for the game against Loonyvania."

Expected Lineup Against Loonyvania: (4-4-2)

1. Bryan Robinson GK

2. Theo Buss DL
5. Paul Campbell DR
3. Paul Kelly DC
22. Thorston Willhelmson DC

6. Jack Davis ML
7. Martin Ricketts MC
8. Jackson MC
9. Peter Mannes MR

10. Robert Yeats SC
11. Alaau Morris SC


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 9 3 0 0 11: 1 10
2. Haperd 6 2 0 1 7: 5 2
3. Tadjikistan 6 2 0 1 6: 6 0
4. Crystilakere 4 1 1 1 5: 5 0
5. Spurland 1 0 1 2 6: 9 -3
6. Loonyvania 0 0 0 3 0: 9 -9

Qualification Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan L 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland D 1-1
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd L 2-4
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

Jeruselem Government News

Jeruselem manage mixed results in WC

On match days 2 and 3, Jeruselem managed a win then a loss. After defeating New Cyprus 2-0, it lost narrowly to better ranked Tanah Burung 1-0. This puts Jeruselem in 3rd place in Group 9 which is lead by Sarzonia who drew 2-2 with Jeruselem on match day 1.

The coach is happy with the results but the loss to Tanah Burung was not seen as bad. "Tanah Burung was the better team and their experience showed against our young team. However we showed them we will not pushovers and might even be contenders to qualify provided we don't fade our like we usually do".

MD2: Jeruselem 2 New Cyprus 0
MD3: Tanah Burung 1 Jeruselem 0


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 7 2 1 0 8: 3 5
2. Lovisa 7 2 1 0 6: 1 5
3. Jeruselem 4 1 1 1 4: 3 1
4. Tanah Burung 4 1 1 1 1: 2 -1
5. Minas Trith 2 0 2 1 1: 3 -2
6. New Cyprus 0 0 0 3 1: 9 -8

Coach Bryan Marshall is not normally one to call an early-stage match a must-win. But with the prospect of playing four of the last five matches away, including the rematches against Tanah Burung and Lovisa, plus the rematch of Matchday One against Jeruselem, the Sarzonian national team is beginning to feel a "greater sense of urgency" about the match against Tanah Burung.

"This is about as close to a must-win match as we're going to get this early in the qualifying phase," Marshall said in a conference call at the Portland Timbers training facility, where the Stars are practicing for their match against the group's top seed. "It will be much more difficult to get results against these teams when we're away to them. We may have to start settling for draws in the road legs."

Team captain and midfielder Bobby Convey disagreed slightly with his coach.

"It is a must-win situation for us, absolutely," Convey said. "We go out there trying to win every match we can. We're going to have to play our best matches when we're facing these teams. They're not just going to roll over and play dead."

The Stars return first-choice goalkeeper Troy Perkins to the starting 11 after he sat out the 4-1 win over New Cyprus. Perkins started the first 13 matches in Sarzonia's senior national team history.

"They did that to give Kerry [Tanner, the team's reserve goalkeeper] some playing time," Perkins said. "I understand the move. Now I'm going to have to be ready for Tanah Burung. They're an excellent side."

Marshall said he considered changing the team's formation to tighten up the defense against Tanah Burung, but decided against it.

"We're not going to pack 10 men behind the ball unless we absolutely have to," Marshall said. "If it's late in the match and we're leading and they're pushing forward, we'll do what we can to play tighter defense, but we can't get away from what we do. That's the surest recipe for failure in a World Cup qualifying situation."

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

KARMA
Svecia dominate again

Cirdanistan 0 Svecia 2

CIRDANISTAN - Yes the Vilita prediction scandal is still in the Svecikan news and is still affecting the play of the Lightning. This time the road win came against a struggling Cirdanistan side that has yet to score a goal in qualifying. But the Lightning efforts should not be overlooked, because the Cirdanistan team is no pushover. They just need some work, or as defender Karl Mayha prolifically boasted: "Give me those boys for two weeks and they'd be able to kick the [stuffing] out of any of the establish powers."

Keep dreaming Karl. But the team does have a lot of potential. Perhaps they will spring an upset yet during qualifying, but the Lighting will make sure its not them.

Both goals came off of headers, one by Hanan Belagt in the 24th minute, and one by Benelux Maalerski, his first international goal, in the 55th minute. The Cirdanistan defense seemed to melt away everytime the Svecia forwards went up in the air.

The score could easily have been much more, but Belagt barely missed two other headers over the bar, and Mikael Solskjaer narrowly missed a free kick after the ball curved over the wall and banged off the crossbar and over.

Svecia's next opponant is the formerly Fearless Farmers of Melmond, who visit the Rijksstadion tomorrow. The Lightning are pumped up for this game, and the fans are as well. Partying has already begun in the capitol, and work crews are assembling Jumbotrons in the street outside of the stadium and in areas of Huvudstad Park, where an estimated 40.000 people are expected to turn out in addition to the 70.000 in the sold out stadium.

Vilita Feat Complete
'slaves take three points away to fellow favorites

Audioslavia earned their second win in a row against a strong but inconsistent Vilita side yesterday.

Audioslavie absorbed a fair bit of pressure in the opening minutes, with Salomón putting an early volley over the bar, and Johnathon Stott missing a far-post header on twenty-five minutes.

The 'slaves defence held firm, but as the first half wore on some gaps started to appear, and on the half-hour mark Callum Banda found himself put through on the Audioslavian goal, only for a quick-minded James Scott to rush out and collect. Hasty to get the ball away, Scott launched a nothing ball into the Vilitan half with no claret shirts around. Vilita set about launching another attack from the midfield, only for an over-confident Alexander Östling to be caught in possession and let the 'slaves through for their first real attack of the game.

Jaynes nipped round Adika on the left side and, neatly playing a one-two with Laver, ripped a low cross to Danny Bracken on the opposite side of the box. Un-marked, Bracken succeeded only in breaking-in Vilitan goalkeeper Massimo Corsi's new gloves. The ball ricocheted upwards and floated away to the right, but Laver was underneath it and, with Afrikka tracking back and Corsi scrambling back to his goal, somehow found the time and space to pick his spot and drive the ball into the top corner. Corsi got a finger-tip to the ball, but unfortunately also got a shoulder to the post, rendering the poor goalkeeper immobile for a quarter of an hour. Kater warmed up on the touchline, but Corsi signalled that he was capable of continuing the game. A brave decision, but it possibly cost Vilita two points...

Audioslavia held the lead into the half-time, but it didnt take long after the break - nineteen seconds in fact - before Vilita levelled. The jungle-cat's replacement winger, a young player with an un-pronounceable name, caught Audioslavia's traditionally weak left side unawares with his lightening pace. Beating Croft for pace and flummoxing O`Rourke out of his shorts, Baledrokadroka cut in from the wing. Rep went to intercept and dived in, catching the ball but only after Baledrokadroka had launched his cross. Spinning high over Tanner's head, the ball fell to a waiting Callum Banda, who made no mistake with his expert finish.

Having equalised and with their tails up, the Jungle Cats set about opening the first half much like they started the second half, with Banda having another chance on 50 minutes and Salomón rasping a shot against the bar. Audioslavia pulled off the ineffectual Jackie Croft in favour of thirty-year old Fatherham midfielder Ally Ricketts. Together with Tanner and the 'slaves defence, Audioslavia set about damage limitation, with Vilita looking every bit a side thats hella-pissed-off about not being in the top thirty-two.

The 'slaves held firm for a whole three-and-a-half minutes, before an inspired Baledrokadroka stole in from the right hand side to convert an inch-perfect Mitaroka through-ball. Vilita looked like they had the game in the bag.

The hour-mark saw Audioslavia make another change, this time with Rail McKenna, a winger, replacing left-back Calem O`Rourke who was struggling with Baledrokadroka's pace. McKenna, along with Jaynes' help, succeeded in stifling the Vilitan's tricky winger and with little time left to go, the 'slaves tried starting up their own attacking spell. For twenty-five minutes nothing came, as Vilita's midfield and defence held firm and held off any attempts by the 'slaves to get the ball to their strikers.

83 minutes gone and still no sign of a goal, Audioslavia were getting exasperated - a condition which has been the undoing of many-a slave side in recent years. Fortunately, lady luck seemed to be smiling, and with a little under seven minutes left on the clock, a hit-and-hope Bracken 30-yarder found its way into the top right-hand corner past a flailing Massimo Corsi.

On first glance it was a brilliant goal, but only on the replay was it shown that Corsi looked more than capable of getting it, but his injured right shoulder seemed un-willing to move it's arm above head height. Corsi again held up the play for a couple of minutes as he nursed his shoulder.

Any preconceptions that this was a game in which both sides would be happy with a draw was put to rest with the final two substitutions by the sides. Vilita brought on a striker for a midfielder - Vella for Melli - whilst Audioslavia took off defender Jens Rep and replaced him with striker Carsten Rossler.

Vilita restarted the game, but instead of the feroucious attacking we'd seen only twenty minutes earlier, the Jungle Cats seemed out of ideas, their confidence hit by the unfortunate Audioslavia goal. Johansen and Jaynes, useless for the previous eighty-six minutes, came alive and found in-roads down the tired Vilitan wings. Johansen came close himself from another long range shot, before Khully Tanner silenced the home faithful with a goal on 89 minutes, swept in at the back post from a 'slaves corner, their first of the game.

Audioslavia held firm for the six minutes of injury time, despite calls for a penalty when Baledrokadroka turned Ben Pearce inside-out, only to be felled by a frantic Didi Romanov. Where a penalty and a red-card would have possibly been fairer on Vilita, the referee gave a free-kick on the edge of the area, with Romanov getting away with only a caution. A thrilling end to a killer game.

FINAL SCORE
Vilita 2 (Banda 45, Baldedrokadroka 54)
Audioslavia 3 (Laver 31, Bracken 83, Tanner 89)

Ive been a belated Jeremy Jaffacake, g'nite bitches

The Valerian Voice

New Team Additions Still Not Good Enough Versus Vets

Magnus Valerius Loses to Europa Brittania

EUROPA BRITTANIA -- After making toast of EL CID THE HERO and Bluesonia, it appears that even with the new talent on the national team, the Boyars still can't compete with all-around veterans and world-class skill that is found within Europa Brittania. The defense of the Europa Brittanian players held off any apparent moves by Konstantinos Pappas or Thomas Hapsburg. These talent players were what had the fans rooting for the team even before the season started, but even with the cheers and the surprising talent of these players, it still does not add up to one of the top ten teams in the world.

The Boyars started off the game with a good defense. Both sides were unable to score any goals upon each other. However, the Europa Brittanians switched strategies to crack the defensive play of the Boyars, and by game's end, the Boyars were down by three points and could not get at least one goal in. It was a very disappointing situation, but it was to be expected. In previous World Cups, the Boyars did not have the experience as other teams in order to beat them, and the only win they managed to eke out against one star team was in WC XV against Kingsford. However, it is hoped that the very win against Kingsford is not a fluke at all.

"We need to prove to our fans that we don't... well, suck," said Jozef Hohenstauffen (#75) bluntly after he was harrassed by a mob of media reporters from the Badenese Chronicler. "We do have the talent in our team. We might need a new coach and more experience to tweak and mix it all in just right, but we certainly do not play like toddlers."

Final score:
Europa Brittania 3
Magnus Valerius 0

Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Europa Brittania 9 3 0 0 10: 1 9
2. Oglethorpia 6 2 0 1 8: 2 6
3. Magnus Valerius 6 2 0 1 7: 6 1
4. EL CID THE HERO 6 2 0 1 5: 4 1
5. Bluesonia 0 0 0 3 2:10 -8
6. Artoonia 0 0 0 3 1:10 -9

MD 1: EL CID THE HERO v. Magnus Valerius W 2 - 3
MD 2: Magnus Valerius v. Bluesonia W 4 - 1
MD 3: Europa Brittania v. Magnus Valerius L 3 - 0
MD 4: Oglethorpia v. Magnus Valerius
MD 5: Artoonia v. Magnus Valerius

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Cooler Shaker

THE Celestials remain two points clear of the chasing pack after an on the road victory in The Water Cooler. The four-nil margin was a national record for an away victory, and equalled the record for a Krytenia victory set in the previous match against The Gulf States.

The Celestials were on top throughout the entire game, the goals all coming i the first half. Colin Ulvæus grabbed the first two, and Ari Smith and Stephen Xousa helped themselves to a notch each.

Next up: the top seeds Squornshelous. Any points would be a massive boost, and even a defeat would not necessarily spell disaster for the men in sky blue.

THE WATER COOLER - 0

KRYTENIA - 4
Ulvæus 21, 25
Smith 33
Xousa 40

SCORERS
Colin ULVÆUS - 5 (incl. 1 hat trick)
Ari SMITH - 2
Stephen XOUSA - 2
Roger CELSEN - 1
Acienko RIMMER - 1

v NASTIC II W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States W 4-0 (Ulvæus 3, Rimmer)
@ The Water Cooler W 4-0 (Ulvæus 2, Smith, Xousa)
v Squornshelous (Atterbrook Way, Westleigh)
v Nikea (People's Stadium, Avid-Diord)
@ NASTIC II
@ Nikea
v The Water Cooler (Republican, Selyer)
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

Margaret Helps Melmond
The Offsetting Curses Make it an Actual Football Match
By Dita Dutch of the Acosta Chronicle

STEN, SNUB NOSE 38—The Under-a-Cheevers of Melmond came into 38 Special Stadium as heavy underdogs to the Hooligans of Snub Nose 38. Karma seemed to be pointing in the Hooligans direction as they were the victims of a bombardment of Swiss cheese in their match in Svecia. They could not get traction on the holey cheese and Svecia was able to get a goal past Snub Nose 38 goalkeeper J.W. and took the win 1-nil. They return to the Frost-Free Borderlands to play the cursed Melmond side, who are fighting off the voodoo dice curse, injury and a very motivated Hooligans side in what would be a very physical match in the very stick weather of the City of Sten in Snub Nose 38.
The first half was a virtual meat grinder as both sides never really got a cohesive and quick attack set up as very aggressive tackles and physical jockeying for position interrupted those attempts. There were very many rough moments during the first half. The Under-a-Cheevers took a big blow as defender Trav Strachan, who just returned from a voodoo dice inflicted injury, got a red at the 23rd minute as he blatantly shoves to the ground Snub Nose 38 striker Clarence. However, five minutes later, the Snub Nose 38 striker makes an equally as big mistake as Clarence grabs the hair of Melmond striker Gina Unne and pulls her away from the ball after a Snub Nose 38 corner kick. Clarence gets the red card at the 28th minute.
As the first half came to a close, the cards were still coming out in full force. As Melmond point midfielder Critandi Unne was about to trap a midair pass from midfielder Fwynj Otsjx and deflect it to striker Mornakh the Bloody Handed; Snub Nose 38 and Acosta Browns midfielder Keats makes an early tackle which sends Critandi Unne hard to the pitch. Luckily for Keats, he only gets a yellow card at the 45th minute. As the free kick is taken by shaken but not stirred Critandi Unne, it is deflected off the Snub Nose 38 wall and is kicked right away to striker Bentley, who before he received the pass, Melmond defender Charles Unne, a young talented phenom, showed too much youthful experience and made his challenge too early and tackles Bentley to the ground. Charles Unne receives a yellow card of his own at the 45th minute and the first half ends scoreless.
Many Melmondian fans wondered why the voodoo dice curse hasn’t taken effect yet. There has been nothing supernatural going on in the match, has the culprit been found and the curse over? The majority of the second half showed the attack of each side benefiting from their only being 10 players on each side. However, goalkeepers Peaches for Snub Nose 38 and Gina Unne for Melmond were playing very well to keep the attacks at bay. Peaches used his knowledge of Melmondian style attacks and the players who are trying to score on him as he plays for Cali Purples in the Melmond Premier League. Gina Unne has been playing very well in the clutch in place for the injured Snhp Xtfuinxm as she really has proven to reach the potential everyone knew she had.
Around the 83rd minute, as it looks like we are going to end in a scoreless tie from the great play of the goalkeeper, a breakthrough happens in more way than one. On a cross from Melmond midfielder Cristina Antunez, Melmond striker Mornakh the Bloody Handed was involved with a tough physical struggle with Snub Nose 38 defender Saber-Tooth for position. Mornakh the Bloody Handed was able to trap the ball and make his shot, but as he was doing that, the sharp toothed Saber-Tooth bit the hand of the man he has been marking so tightly. The blood squirted out into Snub Nose 38’s goalkeeper Peaches’ eyes so he couldn’t see the ball to stop it. The ball goes into the net. Mornakh the Bloody Handed scores the only game of the match which put the Under-a-Cheevers ahead for good in this match. However, overshadowing the game winning goal was Mornakh the Bloody Handed’s injury as he had to be taken to the emergency room. Needless to say, Saber-Tooth got a red card and possibly a heavy suspension coming.
We talked with famed cursologist, Dr. Farg U. Icehole, about the surprising Melmond victory over Snub Nose 38. Dr. Icehole said, “As you can see, the voodoo dice curse was still in effect, however there was another cursing receptacle, the being known as Margaret as she is known for her curses as well. When curses of equal force collide, they cancel each other out, that is why nothing supernatural or strange happened against the Under-a-Cheevers.” Well Margaret may have helped out the Melmond National Team in that aspect, but her orders to Saber-Tooth really hurt Mornakh the Bloody Handed and the Melmond attack.

Goals
Bloody Handed, MEL 83rd

Cards
Strachan, MEL 23rd
Clarence, SN3 28th
Keats, SN3 45th
Ch. Unne, MEL 45th
Saber-Tooth, SN3 83rd

Standings

Other Group 3 Results
Cirdanistan 0 – Svecia 2
HypercapitaliZm 1 – Oaker 2

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Oaker 9 3 0 0 8:1 7
2. Svecia 9 3 0 0 6:1 5
3. Melmond 6 2 0 1 4:3 1
4. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 2 5:2 3
5. HypercapitaliZm 0 0 0 3 2:8 -6
6. Cirdanistan 0 0 0 3 0:10 -10

Team Stats
Goals: Mornakh the Bloody Handed (4)
Cards: Trav Strachan (1), Charles Unne (1)

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor) W 3-0
@ Snub Nose 38 W 1-0
@ Svecia
@ Cirdanistan
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
at Svecia

The Under-a-Cheevers were ecstatic about their victory at 38 Special Stadium against Snub Nose 38, but they have a very tough match ahead against the red-hot Svecia side. The Lightning are thus far undefeated and will have home-pitch advantage as they play in front of a frenzied crowd in Rijkstadion as well as outside the stadium. Whenever these two friendly rivals get in contact, you expect entertainment on the pitch and the stands. The Melmond side is getting rather thin on the attack side of things, as both strikers Chris Owen and Mornakh the Bloody Handed are both out with injury. It is official that Mornakh the Bloody Handed will be out for the rest of World Cup qualifying and is questionable for whichever tournament they go to afterwards. Defender Trav Strachan is suspended for two matches with a red card in the Snub Nose 38 match. At least superstar goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm will return from injury.

GK- Snhp Xtfuinxm
D- Jonsi Torrini
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Kestrel Bluesummers
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Rainy Zoulthane
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Benjamin Leeb
F- Naol Keelafin

For tickets to Svecia and the game, call Therewegoes Travel Agency at 3-18-357-9009. It’s really cold and they are one of our main rivals, but the people are very civil with their rivalry and be glad to drink at the pub with you win, lose, or draw.

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Turori [1]-[1] Kingsford
Turori [0]-[3] Kingsford
[ Liano 9, 31 :: Mumamba 20 ]------------------ [ d'Arderer 14, KINGSFORD 59, 84 ]


Cednia Beach Center, Cednia, Turori
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Video Replay Experiment Haunts Eels

...........A pre-match agreement between Officials from the Turori FA and the Kingsford FA left the Eels 15 Match unbeaten in shambles, and the Eels on the outside looking in on the race for World Cup finals qualification.

...........The Agreement was to allow an experimental post-match video replay system to be used to ensure the correct calls were made throughout the course of the match. Replay officials would carefully examine match videos, and overturn rulings such as Disallowed or unrecognized goals, or withdrawing goals when an offensive foul occured or a corner was improperly granted. The match would play out, and then scores would be adjusted accordingly at half time, and at full time, as necessary.

...........The first half played out an evenly matched affair, with each side exchanging attacking spells. First it was Kingsford who got on the scoresheet inside 15 minutes through debutant Rieux d'Ardeaur, called up to the Kingsford squad for the match as cover, as he is based accrossed the cove in Vilita, being a regular for the Yeaddin Owls AFC Vilitan Stellar Division side. dArdeaur impressed in training prior to the match, and was handed a shock starting role in the Kingsford Midfield. It was off a KINGSFORD freekick that d'Ardeaur was able to steal in behind the Turori defense and pounce on the rebound left by Eels keeper Miluao Slietah. It was a less than impressive, but certainly emotional goal for the locally based ENOK Kingsfordite.

...........It looked as if Kingsford had doubled their lead just five minutes later when KINGSFORD raced in after being fed through be an outstanding d'Ardeaur, however the Kingsford National was whistled for offside before the ball hit the back of the net. For the final 15 minutes, the action was all on the opposite end, with the Eels taking 5 shots on the Kingsford net, including a blinding effort by Jualiar Vumaou that had everyone beat, except the keeper left hand post, and riccochet'd out for a throw in near the halfway line. As the halftime whistle came, fans were treated with an announcement over the loudspeaker "There will be no alterations to the current scoreline due to the video replay." At that point, about half the stadium cheered as they knew that KINGSFORD's offside had been close and was subject to being overturned, but in the end it was not, and Turori had survived, down just one goal at halftime to the World Cup 14 Champions.

Turori Roster vs. Kingsford
Turori Eels (4-4-2) ::
[GK] Miluao Slietah, [D] Moiba Linaian, [D] Marlian Linaian, [D] Linoi Niabula, [D] Kiatin Likao, [M] Makaus Likao, [M] Boaibou Houabou, [M] Malaino Mumamba, [M] Cuoliua Tuirma, [F] Jualiar Vumaou, [F] Akamoari Liano BENCH::
[F] Kaboafo Iobabao, [F] Mika Sakatorra, [M] Yabaiy Tbaiao, [U] Ugo Doohan, [GK] G.Q. Disterfred



...........The second half opened much like a can of worms...err eels for Turori. The rejuvinated but always productive Boaibou Houabou took control of the midfield and marked the impressive d'Arderer out of the game for a large portion of the start of the second half. The always pacey Akamoari Liano, who already had 5 goals in 3 matches leading to the Kingsford match, almost made it 6 when his effort was palmed just around the outside post by Kingsford keeper KINGSFORD. From the resulting corner, Liano again had a brilliant chance, only for KINGSFORD to once again make a deciding save.

...........The night was almost ruined for Eels fans when from the ensuing kick, KINGSFORD paced around the grounded Kiatin Likao to win the ball, leaving Eels keeper Slietah 25 yards out with no support. KINGSFORD easily lobbed the ball over the helpless keeper, and seemingly put the former World Champions 2 goals up over their hosts. However, Starblaydian referee Maritana Stroe came sprinting towards the penalty area, whistle in mouth and arms flaying violently, calling back the goal and awarding the Eels a free kick in the spot that Likao had seen grass to begin the Kingsford break.

...........The Free Kick was taken short by Cuoliua Tuirma, and Houabou worked the ball up to Mikaus Likao who dribbled into the corner, fending off two Kingsford defenders while his teammates prepared for attack. The short ball from Likao back to Tuirma set up another controversial decision from the less than productive Starblaydian referee. Tuirmas cross looked to be handled down by Malaino Mumamba 15 yards out, Mumamba striking before the ball reached the ground, and ecstatically levelling the scores at 1 with just 25 minutes to play.

...........Eels coach Disterfred then made the only defensive minded change he could with limited bench options, replacing attacking-minded midfielder Malaino Mumamba with the defensive-minded youngster Ugo Doohan. Doohan was able to thwart the Kingsford Attack well for the first 15 minutes of his participation, however appeared to have cost the Eels their hard earned point with 5 minutes to play. Doohan had faded back in cover for defender Marlian Linaian who had just taken the ball past halfway, when Linaian was intercepted by d'Arderer. d'Arderer began a storming run upfield, and delivered a beautfil ball over the top to KINGSFORD, who had gotten behind the Eels defense, and KINGSFORD was able to get a one time flick on d'Arderers ball, sending it just out of reach of the dejected Slietah. However, as d'Arderer and KINGSFORD began wheeling away, the un-stoppable whistle of the Starblaydian referee again echoed throughout the stadium. The referee's assistant had raised a late flag and the goal was called back for offside. One Kingsfordite fan near the action ran onto the pitch and tackled Stroe before security removed the man from the Stadium. The final minutes of the match played out uneventfully and cheers erupted from the loyal Eels Support, as they had held the former World Champions to a 1-1 draw.


...Ehh make a long story short... The Video Replay guys came on and said that the Turori Goal was going to not count because of a handball, everyone got pissed and didnt even care that they also had overturned the ruling on two disallowed Kingford goals in the second half.. changingthe scoreline from a respectable 1-1 draw to a killer 0-3 defeat... slani video replay, vote against it!.... And the Starblaydian referee has been brought forward to the international WCC Court where he will be tried for slani refereeing...


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Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

OCC: Just finished work for tonight, need to be back in at 9, so this is a short report of games 2+3. I'll sort out 4 (and 5 if it is up) tomorrow after i finish!

IC:
MD2
Halfassed 3 Bedistan 4

Slip-up could prove costly!

Quite simply, it was heartbreaking. After falling behind to an early Xi strike, the Hurricanes rallied to take a 3-1 lead after an hour.
Woods struck a beautiful volley on the stroke of half-time to put Halfassed 2-1 up, the same player had headed home a corner from Bell for the equiliser. Ze Bulliao continued his good form, taking a pass from Bell, spinning his marker and hitting a perfect shot into the far corner of the net.
3-1 with 30 minutes to go would normally mean 3 points, unfortunatly the Lions chose this half hour to prove why they are ranked one of the top sides in the world.
Reinhardt knocked home the second after Fleetfoot could only parry a Xi strike. Then Peters showed a bit of inexperience, getting too close to Xi and having to pull back the striker as he spun clear. A yellow card was a let-off, unfortunatly the penalty wasn't complete, Yu equalising from the spot. Then came Reinhardt's moment. Xi broke through a tiring defence and set-up Reinhardt on the edge of the box and we all know what happened from there!

MD 3.
ASSKICKEN 0 Halfassedstates 2

Halfassed kick ass!

It may not have been as convincing a scoreline as the 7-0 Bedistan managed in MD1, but this was a stroll in the park for the Hurricanes, and almost the perfect tonic after the agonising last minute defeat at the hands of the Lions.
Ze Bulliao had a simple tap-in at the back post to open the scoring after Woods broke clear, drew the keeper towards him before knocking the ball across the goal for the young striker. Just five minutes had passed.
15 minutes later, the scoring was complete. Bell won the ball in mid-field and broke forward. He passed the ball to Ya who held it for a couple of seconds before returning it to Bell who charged into the box and chipping the ball over the keeper as he tried to close in on the Hurricanes captain.
The only other event of note in the match was a 10-man shoving match after Porter upended the #7 long after the ball had went elsewhere. Porter (for the challenge itself) and White (unsportsman like conduct) got booked along with the Asskicken #7 (retaliation) and #6 (unsportsman like conduct).

In the other group 4 games, the Lions seemed to have suffered from their efforts in the comeback against the Hurricanes, slipping to a 2-0 loss against a previously under-performing Aquilla. In the final game, Ineptia continued their unbeaten run, edging past Anitram 3-2. That run should come to an end next time out, the Lions taking on the surprising group leaders, Halfassed face Aquilla, while the 2 basement sides will attempt to get their first win of the tournament.

The Daily Indoctrinator
The Latest Updates from The Evil Umpire National Team

The Evil Umpire thrashed Terenia 5-nil. Before the match started, the Terenians were pelted with rocks and garbage. That softened them up for the tripping tea bags. Ayatollah Falwell scored all five goals.

The Evil Umpire minions brought their rocks and garbage with them to the land of Taokoualu and pelted every non-minion in sight. We dominated except for one idiot who threw a rock at the ball getting it past our goalkeeper. He will be executed on national TV.

8-bit has made a decree to kill the man who made the faulty lemming call. The Lemmings of Lemmitania refused to get their heads chopped off and beat us 1-nil.

Pschychoes Win to Take Control

Squornshelous defeated former group leader Krytenia 3-1 in matchday 4, putting them in first place in Group 12. This win could be key in deciding the outcomes in this group. Coupled with the draw between Nikea and NASTIC 2, this win has put Squornshelous in sole possesiobn of the best position in the group. With upcoming games against bottom feeders The Water Cooler and The Gulf States, we anticipate remaining on top of the group for at least 3 games. As of yet, no sides have been eliminated, but the lower half of the group will have to work hard to catch the top three teams.

Final Score
Squornshelous 3-1 Krytenia

Scoring Summary:
SQ: Grigoriev [21]
KR: (player) [35]
SQ: Jones [51]
SQ: Rutter [78]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Jones: 4
Keiths: 2
Rutter: 2
Grigoriev: 1

Group 12 Standings after Matchday 4:
Rnk Team Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 10 3 1 0 9: 3 6
2. Krytenia 9 3 0 1 12: 4 8
3. Nikea 8 2 2 0 5: 2 3
4. NASTIC 2 4 1 1 2 7: 6 1
5. The Water Cooler 3 1 0 3 2:10 -8
6. The Gulf States 0 0 0 4 1:11 -10

Margaret Helps Melmond
The Offsetting Curses Make it an Actual Football Match
By Dita Dutch of the Acosta Chronicle

STEN, SNUB NOSE 38—The Under-a-Cheevers of Melmond came into 38 Special Stadium as heavy underdogs to the Hooligans of Snub Nose 38...


:) VERY nice, Mel!

Third Away Game in Four Yields 4th Win

Strike Birds Beat Haperd 4-1; 6 Points clear of 3rd place

The Strike Birds are on a veritable roll as quick strikes in the first half by Striker Siggy Secour and Midfielder Bovine Horace, gave the Birds a 2-0 lead after only 38 minutes. The birds then extended their lead to gain a 4-1 decision in their 3rd home game in 4 matches.

The offensive flurry started in the 20th minute with a shot that was deflected for a Nest corner. The ball stayed deep in Haperd's side until Secour headed it home at the 22nd minute. The pressure stayed on as the Nest kept the ball in Haperd's side until the 37th minute when a minor breakout failed and Horace blasted one from the close side of the center circle. The defensemen, hearing of Horace's Methane powered shot, all ran away and conceded the goal as it bounced in harmlessly at the 38th minute.

Haperd was able to score on a very nice give and go late in the first half, but a free kick placed perfectly by Horace allowed Secour to tap it in during injury time to have a 3-1 lead at the half. Midfielder Glim Graerstiow, playing in his last cup, attained his first goal of this cup in the 78th minute to finish the scoring. The Nest returned home to play winless Spurland to finish the first half of qualification and to attempt to win their 20th home match in World Cup play, having a 19-4-4 record at home since World Cup 12.


MatchDay 4 Recap

The BIG shocker of the day is that Loonyvania earned their first poin because they found the net of their opponents....not once but TWICE! Amazing. the match of the day was clearly Crystilkare vs. Tadjikistan, as that battle would determine who is the second favorite for transfer to the Cup. The Crystils came up the winners this time around, making the fight for the second spot now a three way race between Tadjikistan, Crystilikare, and Haperd. After tomorrow's match, expect a second qualification half priview.

The match of tomorrow? Svecia vs. Oaker. Both teams are undefeated and tied at 12 points at the top of Group 2. A small bit of coverage may be dedicated to this critical qualification game.

MD4
Spurland 2 Loonyvania 2
Haperd 1 The Eagles Nest 4
Tadjikistan 0 Crystilakere 1


Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 4 4 0 0 15 2 13 12 30
2 Crystilakere 4 2 1 1 6 5 1 7 25
3 Haperd 4 2 0 2 8 9 -1 6 24
4 Tadjikistan 4 2 0 2 6 7 -1 6 24
5 Spurland 4 0 2 2 8 11 -3 2 20
6 Loonyvania 4 0 1 3 2 11 -9 1 19





The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania Win 5-0
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan Win 3-0
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere Win 3-1
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd Win 4-1
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland

A KNN Sports Update

Jill Numbnut here with a World Cup update. The Union has strugled with a record of 1-2-1. The Union is certainly in 5th place in the group now. The Union has faced a tough challange from One Red Dot and Mattigol. The Union tied One Red Dot at one goal a piece and lost to Mattigol 2-1. "We had tough challanges and I know that it will remain tough. We must do better and improve as a team if we have a chance" head coach Jim Young has commented. Young seem frustrated at the Union at their last games. It seems that the team is down, but it looks like the coaching staff is doing a good job reminding them they can still win. "The team must improve if we want to win. I know that we have the will to win" Young said. John Middleton has done a good job at goal. The defense has been a little lackluster and the offense hasn't been that great." Associate captain Brett Devin said "The loss has kept our spirits down. It will be hard but I think we can still battle back. I know that, even though we had success before, we are not the favorite to win the group. I think that we will show them." The Union is looking to improve and make it. "I still think we can make it. I know that we have the will, lets see what we can do" captain Sid "Bulldog" Cruiser said. It will be tough but I think the team can make it. Well keep your TV tuned and see how well they can do. I know that you don't have much choice huh? Well this is Jill Numbnuts bringing you the World Cup as always. Have a good day people.

Senility in Svecia
Voodoo Dice Affected Referee Blows Major Call
By Dita Dutch of the Acosta Chronicle

VILAMNA, SVECIA—It was certainly one of the more unique setting for a football match. Aside from the familiar sights and feels in Svecia such as gorgeous blond Aryan-types wearing lederhosen and wooden shoes and the rather cold temperature, although it was a balmy five degrees Celsius for Svecia standards. There was a rather beautiful and clever light on this night in Rijksstadion as a minimal amount of light was being used from the lights above the stadium as the light reflected off the sea of orange being worn by voetbal-mad Svecians. The whole stadium had a beautiful hue of bright orange in honour of a famous Svecian king.
There were other strange sights around the stadium as wizards of white magic from Melmond, led by noted cursologist Dr. Farg U. Icehole surrounded the stadium and casted spells to protect the players of both Melmond and Svecia from the corruption brought on by the voodoo dice. The battle against the voodoo dice as well as the battle on the pitch between these friendly rivals was intense and long going.
The Under-a-Cheevers would strike first on this misty Svecian night. At the 21st minute, the harmony of the Cheevers triangle completely vexed the Svecia defence as they couldn’t find an answer for the constant rotation and being in the right position at the right time to preserve the sacred geometry. After receiving a pass from Melmond midfielder Rainy Zoulthane; Melmond point midfielder Critandi Unne closed in on the Svecian net looking to pass either to striker Benjamin Leeb or striker Naol Keelafin. Seeing that the strikers were being well-marked by the Svecian defence, Critandi Unne decided to take the shot hirself as s/he faked a pass to Leeb which got Svecian goalkeeper Piet van Meer out of position for a split second. That was enough time for Critandi Unne to put the ball in the opposite side of the net. Melmond takes the 1-nil lead, quieting the enthusiastic Svecian crowd. They now realize that this Melmond side is a far cry from the Melmond side which made its international debut in Rijksstadion 12 years ago, although some of the players still remain from that side.
However, Svecia will get their answer on an earned corner kick after Melmond goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm was able to deflect a very hard and accurate shot by Svecian veteran and former Melmond Premier League star Hanan Belagt. The corner kick was taken and Melmond goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm was able to get a fist on it. However, ingenious Svecia defender Karl Mayha, who was Johnny on the spot, dived at the punched ball to head it right into the net. Xtfuinxm had no chance to recover to stop that almost instantaneous header shot. The Svecian crowd reawakens to its previous fervor as Mayha scores the equaliser at the 39th minute. After 45 minutes of flowing football, the first half ends one all.
The second half started with a bang for Svecia. The mist became a steady yet soft rain. There was no thunder, but there was lightning around the stadium, a positive omen for the Svecian side which has the Lightning as its nickname. At the 51st minute, Melmond defender Charles Unne bungled the pass in the rain as his left foot began to slip on the wet pitch as his right foot was about to make the pass to Melmond midfielder Cristina Antunez. Svecia striker Benelux Maalerski makes the interception and has a clear path to the goal. Melmond goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm was basically left out to dry as Maalerski had infinite spots to put the ball past him. He decided to lob the ball over Xtfuinxm as he dived toward him to put some pressure on Maalerski. Maalerski scores the go ahead goal for Svecia. The Svecian fans begin to throw slices of Swiss cheese on the pitch, which is Maalerski’s favorite food. With a first name like Beneleux, you would think that a Belgian or a Dutch cheese like Gruyere or Gouda would be his favorite, but alas he loves the mild taste of Swiss and likes the sweet taste of victory even more. Svecia takes the lead 2-1.
The Swiss cheese proved no longer to be a cheese of neutrality. The pungent smell of the Swiss cheese on the pitch combined with the steady rain caused a putrid odor to rise from the pitch. The Svecians have learned to love it, but the Under-a-Cheevers found it unbearable and as the stench grew, so did the quality of play. However, the Under-a-Cheevers got back on track as their noses adjusted to the odor.
At the 72nd minute, Melmond earned a corner kick as the Cheevers triangle trapped the Svecian defence to kicking the ball out of bounds to take the pressure off the Melmond attack. Melmond defender Jonsi Torrini took the honours for the corner kick as always. He was about to try his famous Acosta-Audioslavia arc, a kick which has enough English to go right into the net from the corner area. He makes his attempt, which ends up hitting the crossbar, which makes a deflection up into the air which no one was quite ready for. Diminutive Melmond midfielder Fwynj Otsjx was running quickly and took his great leap up while the rest of players on the corner were on their way down. He takes his head and gets the ball past an outstretched Piet van Meer. The excitement just turns into a soft buzz as Melmond gets the equaliser.
The fans have been treated to a display of good football, a nice flowing match with very few rough moments as it was card free. Ultimately, it was the voodoo dice getting the last laugh. The stench of the Swiss cheese on the pitch wofted toward the wizards from Melmond who were in deep concentration to keep out the evil of the voodoo dice. Some lost consciousness and the voodoo dice was able to rear its ugly outcomes. All the players were protected from the effects before the match, but there was one major omission, the referee. From a Svecian free kick near the sidelines, the ball sailed near the goalkeeper’s box. Melmond defender Sergio Ortiz leaps up with arms flailing in order to get some extra inches from his leap heads the ball out of danger. However, the referee calls a handball on Ortiz and awards Svecia a penalty kick despite the fact that Ortiz was out of the box! The voodoo dice had put senility to the referee and that would be the death knell for Melmond’s hopes of getting a big point in Svecia as striker Mikael Solskjaer puts the penalty kick away and the game away for Svecia at the 80th minute. Svecia will get the 3-2 victory. It truly was a shame to see such a great football match ended with such controversy caused by the voodoo dice. Rumour has it that the nations of Melmond and HypercapitaliZm are going to join together with their private investigators to find out who is behind the reawakening of the voodoo dice.

Goals
Cr. Unne, MEL 21st
Mayha, SVE 39th
Maalerski, SVE 51st
Otsjx, MEL 72nd
Solskjaer, SVE 80th

Cards
None

Standings

Other Group 3 Standings
HypercapitaliZm 3 – Cirdanistan 0
Oaker 2 – Snub Nose 38 1

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Oaker 12 4 0 0 10:2 8
2. Svecia 12 4 0 0 9:3 6
3. Melmond 6 2 0 2 6:6 0
4. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 3 6:4 2
5. HypercapitaliZm 3 1 0 3 5:8 -3
6. Cirdanistan 0 0 0 4 0:13 -13

Team Stats
Goals: Mornakh the Bloody Handed (4), Critandi Unne (1), Fwynj Otsjx (1)
Cards: Trav Strachan (1), Charles Unne (1)

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor) W 3-0
@ Snub Nose 38 W 1-0
@ Svecia L 3-2
@ Cirdanistan
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Match
at Cirdanistan

Lots of good news in this matchup, Melmond will be catching up to either Oaker or Svecia one way or another. I will put it to you this way, there is no chance that Melmond will not win this matchup, even if it is on the road. Cirdanistan is one of those pinko commie sides that Melmond loves to rout and destroy hope. This team has not scored one single goal and has given up 13 goals already. Melmond goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm should get a confidence boost in this matchup. That and the return of striker Chris Owen and his great chemistry with fellow striker Benjamin Leeb will tattoo the Cirdanistan side, which seems to lack everything. This will not even be close and it is a good time to pad up the goal differential. Manager Gerry Cheevers keeps his first teamers in the starting lineup as they must make sure they rout this side. Defender Trav Strachan is still out with a red card suspension.

GK- Snhp Xtfuinxm
D- Jonsi Torrini
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Kestrel Bluesummers
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Rainy Zoulthane
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Chris Owen
F- Benjamin Leeb

For tickets to Cirdanistan and the game, call Therewegoes Travel Agency at 3-18-357-9009. There may be some people going after you with a fork and knife, but be charitable to them. You know communism means that if one has to starve then we all should starve together. Be diplomatic and there shall be an uprising for personal and economic freedom, which go hand in hand.

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- The Sarzonian national team played a match against the Group 9 top seeds Tanah Burung with an urgency that was usually reserved for sides playing a late match in the qualifying stage. However, with four of the next six matches for the Stars being away from home, the Stars mustered an outstanding effort from all facets of the team en route to a 2-1 upset win at the Palestra in Woodstock.

Forward Brian Wilson and midfielder Darwin Russell scored goals two minutes apart in the first half and a stingy backline made the lead hold up for nearly 85 minutes. Only a late penalty kick prevented goalkeeper Troy Perkins from notching a clean sheet as the Stars continued their 11 match unbeaten streak.

"We're rather not talk about the streak," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "The fact is that we've still got a tough stretch of matches ahead of us before we can say we've done anything. It was great to get this win in front of our home crowd, but we've got another tough match against Lovisa coming up."

The Stars drew first blood in the 43rd minute as Wilson won a 50-50 ball deep in the Tanah Burung end and fired a blistering shot past the goalkeeper. Two minutes later, Russell buried a free kick past the hapless keeper from the left side, where his boot is most dangerous.

"We were very fortunate to escape this match with a win," Russell said. "I just tried to put a good bending shot on goal and I was fortunate the ball wet in."

"It's great to get this win, but until we get to a point where we've clinched a berth in the finals, we've accomplished nothing," Wilson said. "The hardest part of this is still ahead of us."

The Stars remain tied for first in Group 9 with 10 points and remain ahead on total goals scored.

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Vilita [3]-[0] Raptor Claw
[ Vella 27 :: Mumamba 76 :: Mitaroka 82 ]

Marine World Park, Crosaibi, Vilita
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..........The Vilita Jungle Cats had much to prove when they stepped out onto the pitch for their first ever Senior International against the always dangerous Raptor Claw. The Jungle Cats had yet to win at home during the World Cup 16 Qualifiers, and the Dark Arts & Prophecies Department in Ramsissil had already predicted an overwhelming defeat by the prehistoric predators. The Two Nations have met twice before, both occasions being with the under 21 sides, however, during the World Cup Under 21 Championships (4) Group Stage, and in an u21 International Friendly, With the Jungle Cats taking the overall honors after a 4-4 draw and an astounding 5-0 victory. Extra security including marksmen with tranquilizer darts had to be brought in to Marine World Park to ensure none of the creatures got out of hand.

..........Massimo Corsi returned to the starting lineup after missing the Adrasuvare match to rest his shoulder. The rest of the lineup remained largely unchanged, with the exception of Marasent Sioane replacing Calaesa Mitaroka in midfield. However, The big news was Jim Vella earning the starting role alongside Marine Coast United teammate Callum Banda, with Elders FC of Kingsford's Germán Salomón left to sit on the bench.

..........The atmosphere was exciting at Marine World Park, but was almost quieted just 5 minutes in when Raptor Runni Nondaside came in from the right to fire in a shot that Massimo Corsi could only turn away for a Corner Kick. From the ensuing corner, Imat Arget headed against the crossbar, and the ball rebounded to safety to the delight of the 40,000 strong Vilitan Support.

..........From there, the Jungle Cats regrouped and began attacking the Raptor Claw end with persistant energy and emotion. First it was Callum Banda who latched on to a Marasent Sioane through ball, only to see his effort trickle into the arms of Raptor Claw keeper Gonnast Opyou. Opyou was supreme over a 10 minute period that saw quality efforts from Umberto Melli, Sioane and Jim Vella all stopped by the exciting Raptor Claw Goalie. However, it was just before the hour that Opyou's sheet would be dirtied.

..........Umberto Melli was downed 30 yards out by Raptors Midfielder Contro Lindaplae, setting up another classic Santo Kecker free kick. The Vilitan captain stepped up, and the poise presented as he approached the ball astonished the crowd, with the atmosphere building to the point where anyone would have bet the ball would some how end up in the back of the net. And in the back of the net it lay as Vella got a head on the ball just moments before Opyou looked to collect, sending the Jungle Cat support into a rapture and the Vilitan National team into a 1-0 lead.


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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Massimo Corsi, [D] Enzo Ahat, [D] Jaloey Afrikka, [D] Giacomo Adika, [DM] Jürgen Ramzi, [M] Santo Kecker, [M] Umberto Melli, [M] Marasent Sioane, [M] Jonathon Stott, [F] Callum Banda, [F] Jim Vella
BENCH::
[F] Germán Salomón, [F] Lorenzo Mumamba, [M] Calaesa Mitaroka, [M] Alexander Östling, [U] Jonathon Baledrokadroka, [D] Emarka Laniora, [GK] Jimmy Kater


..........Coach Vilkaus made one change at the half, introducing Calaesa Mitaroka in a midfield shift, that saw Marasent Sioane move from Central to Right, replacing the substituted Jonathon Stott, Captain Santo Kecker returning to a central role, and Mitaroka playing his pace down the left hand side. The change almost paid instant divadends for the Jungle Cats as Mitaroka made a dazzling run down the left, only for his less than speactacular cross to be punched away by Opyou.

..........As the match drove on, Raptor Claw began to take some control of the match. On the hour, the Claw had their best chance of the day when Opyou's goal kick was pressed on to the attack by Lindaplae, but the Raptor frontline could online force the refurbished Corsi into conceding a corner kick. Vilkaus made his second substitution of the day soon after, replacing the tiring Vella with another veteran, Lorenzo Mumamba, whose first and only Senior International goal came in the Cup of Tardy victory over the Weegies that followed the Jungle Cats Abysmal inagural World Cup campaign.

..........Mumamba was seemingly on a mission from the second he stepped on the pitch, eager to avoid being left in Vilita with the Regional Squad when the team travelled to The Redavic Union following the Raptor Claw match. Mumambas perserverance paid off when he pounced on a rebound of a Banda effort and doubled the Jungle Cats lead, ending the Cup of Tardy Curse that haunted both he and Elekim Cairns for a long time.

..........The upbeat mood of a late 2-0 victory quickly turned sour as Banda was unable to rise for celebrations. Banda required treatment after being de footed by a Raptor Claw defender and possibly injuring his ankle, a scary site for all Jungle Cat fans. Banda was replaced by the currently out of form Germán Salomón. Salomón was not on the field for a minute before he had his fists in the air, this time in celebration of Calaesa Mitaroka's first ever Senior International Strike. Like previously, Mitaroka found space, and pace, down the left, however, instead of crossing he cut in at the last gasp to the surprise of Opyou and left the stunned Raptor with nothing to do as Mitaroka ecstatically rounded off his sides 3-0 victory over qualification Rivals Raptor Claw.


Prophecies Predict Water Cooler Crash

Dark Arts & Prophecies Department, Rammsissil, Vilita::
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..........The Vilitan National Dark Arts & Prophecies Department in Ramsissil, Vilita, has surprisingly suggested that within the next few days, the Holy Empire of the Water Cooler would be withdrawn from the World Cup. Department director Flimatta Wizlaao indicated that he had seen a water cooler in the office get knocked over just shortly following the Water Coolers 3rd defeat in 4 matches so far this competition. He felt that the knocking over of the office water cooler was a sign that the Holy Empire of the Water Cooler was in trouble, and would not be able to further participate in the World Cup Qualifiers, leaving the rest of Group 12 in havic, especially the Nation of Krytenia, who was looking for the Water Cooler to provide resistance to Qualification rivals Squornshelous and Nikea.



Injury Hit Vilita travel to Redavic Union

Vilita Teamsheet vs. the Redavic Union
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........Defender Jaloey Afrikka missed out on the squad for the first time since the start of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers as he picked up a hamstring injury in the 3-0 Victory over Raptor Claw that he was unable to shake off in time. Danilo Liguori Returns to the Lineup in his place with Esemar Aliana covering off the bench. Alexander Östling and Jonathon Baledrokadroka also make returns in midfield, with Jonathon Stott also unable to break fitness, but Stott will be an available Bench option. Experieneced Left midfielder Christian Dogbé also travels for the first time this season. Jim Vella retains his starting role up front, but will parter Germán Salomón who replaces Callum Banda who decided he may not be fit to play a full 90 minutes after aggrevating his ankle against Raptor Claw. Lorenzo Mumamba is awarded with a vacation in the Redavic Sun after performing well as a 70th minute substitute against Raptor Claw, and will be the other Attacking option on the Jungle Cat bench. Serge DuPont remains home to backbone the Regional squad preparing for the AOCAF Championships.

Goalkeepers :: Massimo Corsi & Jimmy Kater
Defenders :: Giacomo Adika, Enzo Ahat, Danilo Liguori & Esemar Aliana
Midfielders :: Jürgen Ramzi, Santo Kecker, Alexander Östling, Jonathon Baledrokadroka, Umberto Melli, Christian Dogbé, Marasent Sioane & Jonathon Stott
Forwards :: Germán Salomón, Jim Vella, Callum Banda & Lorenzo Mumamba




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Matches & Venues:
M01: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [2] - [3] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [0] - [0] Adrasuvare
M04: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [3] - [0] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union
M06: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

The Valerian Voice

The Former Emperor Must Be Rolling In His Grave! The Valerian Curse Crashes The Boyars Down to Fifth Place In Group 2

Oglethorpia Celebrates Victory

OGLETHORPIA -- "Alas, O fair winds, where art thou?" That line created from new Insta-Shakespeare Instant Literature Maker really defines the moment. The asskicken', troublemaking spirit that the Boyars wreaked upon fields four years ago have all but become a ghost of the team's former self. What has happened in the four years have left the fans bewildered. The Boyars had the pep and brashness to take on even Kingsford, the world's top ranker at WC XV kickoffs. But now, they are losing disastrously to Oglethorpia whom are somewhat below the Kingsford the Boyars faced.

"It's all in the luck, I suppose," says the bum that hangs outside the Imperial Estate. "Yessiree! It's just the same as the chances of me finding royal leftovers in the trash bins, or a still haff-good piece o' roadkill for grillin'. Sometimes you've got it big. Then sometimes you've got nothin'."

Whatever that means, that surely correlates to the Boyars and their wins. It is as almost it is all by chance... However, since there are no professional mathematicians on the Voice Staff, we shall leave that for the paragons to think upon.

Final score:
Oglethorpia 2
Magnus Valerius 0

MD 1: EL CID THE HERO v. Magnus Valerius W 2 - 3
MD 2: Magnus Valerius v. Bluesonia W 4 - 1
MD 3: Europa Brittania v. Magnus Valerius L 3 - 0
MD 4: Oglethorpia v. Magnus Valerius L 2 - 0
MD 5: Artoonia v. Magnus Valerius

WORLD CUP 16 QUALIFYING COVERAGE:

Giant Zucchini vs Wella

Giant Zucchini Formation:

Plaat
Aargh Throck Faard Zurk
Narf Machterstrasse… (Poom) Krak Gung
Urk (Furtermachter…) Phoot

Giant Zucchini fell spectacularly to a rampant Wella team in a World Cup qualifying clash. The Zucchinis started brightly, Urk having his first chance 14 minutes into the match, but his curling shot from outside the box shaved the outside of the far post. Soon after, Phoot almost gave the Zucchinis the lead, but he scuffed his shot and Wella keeper Skoczen picked up the ball easily. The Zucchinis came close yet again, Aargh heading Urk’s corner into the crossbar in the 25th minute. However, things turned against the Zucchinis in the 28th minute, Robert Sarapata’s through-pass to Andrzej Kmicic finished clinically with his right foot, leaving Plaat no chance. Wella almost doubled their lead almost immediately at the restart, Sarapata’s long range effort tipped over the bar by Plaat. However, the second goal came soon after, Tomasz Lange taking on Throck before lashing an unstoppable shot into the top of the net. The Zucchinis still could not find their rhythm at the restart, Andrzej Kmicic doubling his tally, his flying scissors kick meeting Michal Heger’s cross, the ball looping over Plaat into the far corner. The Zucchinis could only muster half-chances after that fatal 3rd goal, Krak having the best of those with a long range piledriver that hit the outside of the post. The night got even worse for the Zucchinis, Aleksander Keller’s cross headed into the goal by Heger. The Zucchinis will need to recover from this heavy defeat, and soon.


Final score:

Giant Zucchini - 0


Wella - 4
Kmicic (28, 51), Lange (38), Heger (68)


Man of the Match: Andrzej Kmicic

Official Press Release

Ministry of Sporting Games

Dateline: Sunday, 1 August 2004 - 07:26:01 PM

For immediate release

No Classification

Effective at once, the team from The Holy Empire of the Water Cooler is withdrawn. We are now officially and completely ‘forfeiting’ all matches we where scheduled to take part in, now and in the future.

This decision shall be in no way taken as a sign of disapproval against the World Cup, its Running Committee, its Host, or fellow nations taking part in this event.

We wish the best for the nations that continue to participate in the competition!

Sincerely,

Ministry for Sporting Games,
The Holy Empire of the Water Cooler

Many Red Dot newspapers have covered the World Cup Qialifications during the past few days.

From:
The Red Dot Controversialia
The Wolves have not madde a single victory every since the first one against Zangara. A hard lost against Mattigool, a tiresome draw against Kerla and a slip against Larkinia make it seem that the Wolves are not even trying. Head Coach Christopher Gwee says, "My boys are trying their hardest, but some ****ing thing out there must by ****ing messing up my boys' heads, you know what I mean? I mean, after all our oppnents victories, we don't even hear about them in their national newspapers! Is there some kind of media control of something? They don't even want to celebrate their victories?"

From:
The Red Dot Faith
The past few days have shown that we have disturbed the Gods. It seems the Random Gods are angry at our football team for something, or maybe one of us have angered them. No victories so far must mean something! WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!

From:
The Red Dot Informant
The past few days have been disturbing for the Wolves as they have only one sole victory out of four games. The Wolves have not been performing well at all despite nearing the halfway point. On Day 2, the Wolves lost 0-1 against Mattigool at the first home game at the Royal Red Dot National Stadium. The game proved to be hard to play as Mattigool was determined to gain a victory on their own after their loss against Tasty Toast the day before.

In Kerla, the Wolves only managed a 1-1 draw. Although the Wolves managed to control much of the game well, the Kerla managed to take aadvantage of the Dottian slip ups.

Back home at the southern Hawklands Stadium, rising star Larkinia thrashed the Wolves 1-4. It was as though the Wolves were possessed and did not play a game worth any standard.

"My boys are trying their hardest, but it seems something has been messing up with their heads a bit," said Head Coach Christopher Gwee at yesterday's post-match press conference. "Don't worry, we assure that from now, it's going to be up, up, up."

One Red Dot will be up against Tasty Toast next.

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Chances Squorndered

AFTER three impressive wins, the dream had to end at some point for the Celestials. They crashed to Squornshelous, the group favourites, three-one.

The game was a feast of football. Both sides had some good chances early on, Cecil Poldov missing a good chance wide on 17 minutes. However, it was the visitors who took the lead. Otto Friedel sent a huge ball down the centre, Tobias Jones brought it down and laid it off for Victor Grigoriev to slot home.

Krytenian heads didn't drop though, and they managed to equalise before half-time. Will Guarado played a clever one-two with Stephen Xousa before laying it off for Ari Smith to score. They should have taken the lead a few minutes later, however Chris Lydersen's volley was poor, and is now beleived to be in orbit over Vilita.

The second half, though, was all Squornshelous. Six minutes in, Yves Davison gave away a silly free-kick thirty yards out. Adam Vernazza hardly had time time to see the strike from Jones, let alone save it.

The three points were secured twelve minutes from time. A defensive mistake from Mike Lewison let Jones in, and though Vernazza managed to palm it away, Darrick Rutter was left with the simplest of chances.

Defeat means that the game against Nikea is vital. Any points gained will keep the Celestials in the top two, however even defeat is not the end of the world.

Group 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 10 3 1 0 9: 3 6
2. Krytenia 9 3 0 1 12: 4 8
3. Nikea 8 2 2 0 5: 2 3
4. NASTIC 2 4 1 1 2 7: 6 1
5. The Water Cooler 3 1 0 3 2:10 -8
6. The Gulf States 0 0 0 4 1:11 -10

KRYTENIA - 1
Smith 35

SQUORNSHELOUS - 3
Grigoriev 21
Jones 51
Rutter 78

SCORERS
Colin ULVÆUS - 5 (incl. 1 hat trick)
Ari SMITH - 3
Stephen XOUSA - 2
Roger CELSEN - 1
Acienko RIMMER - 1

v NASTIC II W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States W 4-0 (Ulvæus 3, Rimmer)
@ The Water Cooler W 4-0 (Ulvæus 2, Smith, Xousa)
v Squornshelous L 1-3 (Smith)
v Nikea (People's Stadium, Avid-Diord)
@ NASTIC II
@ Nikea
v The Water Cooler (Republican, Selyer)
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

HEWC, would you like to provide a reason for your withdrawal? Please understand that this actually means a different team could have taken part.

Le LIBRE

Struck Goal(d)

After being shut out 2 matches in a row, Les Bleus were looking to get back on track with a win and a few goals as well. Visiting Avenging Altos, Les Bleus thought this would be the match they had to win, because of the rank AA is. Before the match, Joseuf told the media that the fans should not worry about Les Bleus as they will come back and be sure to qualify for the cup.

Joseuf’s promise would seem to come true at least in the first half. 2 Minutes into the match Les Bleus were on the attack as Joseuf teamed up with mid-fielder Veroix on a quick pass and go shot. Veroix scored the first goal going top right corner. Finally after a long wait, the goals came back for Les Bleus and quickly. It had appeared the few days off and training helped. Les Bleus kept on the pressure with a few tough saved made by the AA keeper. Finally getting a hold of the ball, the keeper gave his team some time to get down the field yelling at them. Finally he got the kick off and sent it sailing deep into the Eauz zone. An AA player got a hold of the ball and passed it out to an open player. The Player sent a quick shot towards the goal, only to be stopped by Rousoi. Unfortunately, Rousoi could not keep hold of the ball, as it was kicked into the net during the 10th minute by an AA forward. A discouraged Eauz team used their frustration to put pressure on the opponents defence. Quickly after the tying goal, Les Bleus scored two other goals during the 16th and 22nd minute of play putting Les Bleus up 3 – 1. Joseuf was quoted saying: “You never mess with an experienced team who is trying to get out of a scoring slump.” At half time, Les Bleus were up by the same score; 3 – 1.

The home team though was not looking to sit back and let Les Bleus march over them. During the 50th minute, Veroix had received a yellow card and AA was awarded a free kick. The free kick was taken and went straight into the net putting AA back into the game at 3 – 2. The AA fans were back into the match as they saw that their team was challenging the number 1 team in the world. Unfortunately the 2 goals were the best that the come back could provide as Les Bleus added 2 other goals during the 72nd and 84th minutes of play putting Les Bleus up 5 - 2

The large amount of goals gave some hope to the fans of Les Bleus as well provided new spirit to the team. With the victory, Les Bleus move into 2nd position only on goal difference and a total of 7 points. It appears it will be a tough battle for Les Bleus to catch NEWI for they have gone 4 – 0 – 0 not looking to slow down. Les Bleus will be looking to stop them when match day 7 comes around. The final match in the first half of the qualifying round will be against Ebon Hawk’s who have yet to win a match, and have a total of 1 point. With Les Bleus playing at home, and the Hawk’s not playing well, Les Bleus will be expecting a victory.


Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. NEWI Cefn Druids 12 4 0 0 14: 4 10
2. Eauz 7 2 1 1 11: 3 8
3. Creedence Clearwater 7 2 1 1 7: 5 2
4. Avenging Altos 4 1 1 2 6: 8 -2
5. Nominaen 3 1 0 3 2:13 -11
6. Ebon Hawk 1 0 1 3 3:10 -7



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 6 – 0
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids L 0 – 1
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 0 – 0
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos W 5 – 2
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Econ Hawks

Shock as Loonyvania Draw Spurland

In a game the home side was largely expected to win, Loonyvania managed to score their first two goals of their campaign and draw Spurland.

Spurland went one goal up minutes after the game started through a delightful header from Martin Ricketts after an amazing cross from near the half line. But to the dismay of the home supporters, Loonyvania equalised, a Loony defender claiming the goal. The score remained 1-1 up until the half.

At 65 minutes on the clock, the unimaginable happend, Loonyvania took the lead, another one of their defenders managing to score. There were suggestions that the player used his arm to control the ball before placing it in the back of the Spurland goal. Seconds later the Spurland manager Morzaria substituted 2 of his defenders and changed his formation to a 2-4-4. 19 year old substitute Dean Morris managed to get the equaliser and saved some amount of embasasment for his team. The game ended 2-2.

"This is bullshit!" said manager Morzaria after the game, "My strikers would have usually scored those chances blindfolded.

"And that referee, he was like a little boy playing with his new toy the way he was blowing that whistle. It looks to me like there is a conspiracy that is out to get us the way these results are going.

"I have a feeling the stadium will not be here next year. It has only been bad luck since we started playing here, this result just proves that.

"My players played well overall so I will stick with the same team against The Eagles Nest, hopefully the referee will not be such an idiot. I expect the team to play their hearts out, but I do not expect to win against that opposition. I can only pray for a draw."

In related news: A man who went into a coma just after the visiting team scored their first goal, awoke in a hospital today to the relief of his family and friends. But after hearing of the result, he immediatly went back to his comatose state. His doctors were seen scratching their heads.

Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 12 4 0 0 15: 2 13
2. Crystilakere 7 2 1 1 6: 5 1
3. Haperd 6 2 0 2 8: 9 -1
4. Tadjikistan 6 2 0 2 6: 7 -1
5. Spurland 2 0 2 2 8:11 -3
6. Loonyvania 1 0 1 3 2:11 -9

Qualification Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan L 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland D 1-1
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd L 2-4
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania D 2-2
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

Expected Lineup Against The Eagles Nest: (4-4-2)

1. Bryan Robinson GK

2. Theo Buss DL
5. Paul Campbell DR
3. Paul Kelly DC
22. Thorston Willhelmson DC

6. Jack Davis ML
7. Martin Ricketts MC
8. Jackson MC
9. Peter Mannes MR

10. Robert Yeats SC
11. Alaau Morris SC

Tadjiks loose again

Dushanbe -The match between Critilakere and the Tadjik Tigers was to be very important for Tadjikistan, they had to do better. But they played under their normal capabilities. And with Cherniakhovskij missing they could not score. Finally, late in the game Cristilakere scored the only goal of the match and took the 3 points. The Tadjik team was again defeated in its own stadium.

A dissapointed Tadjik team now heads to Haperd, a weak enemy that should not prove to be a problem. Triandafillov will have to turn the tide if he wants his team qualified for the World Cup. We will burn a candle for him and hope the Tigers get back on their feet.


MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest L 0-3
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere L 0-1
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

Note: If there's one RP you want to skip, make sure it's this one. It isn't all that good.

The Daily Druid

FIVE POINTS "CLEAR"
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on NEWI Cefn Druids 3 Creedence Clearwater 2

After their second 5-1 away win of the campaign in Nominaen, the Druids came into this match knowing that a win would put them five points ahead of their nearest rivals. However, they had to overcome one of their rivals from their ill-fated first ever campaign for World Cup 11. However, after banishing the ghosts of The Redavic Union already, then surely the spirit of Creedence Clearwater could go too?

The early signs were promising, with the Druids mounting attack after attack. Eventually, one of them was converted by Trevor Belmore, who tapped in from close range after Full back Trevor Phillipson had hit a 45-yarder that the Creedence keeper could only parry.

But, for all their attacking presence, the Druids were pinned back, when CC hit on the braeak and <player 10> popped a simple shot past a helpless Garth. However, the game continued in hte same style, with the Druids pushing forward, and eventually, just before half time, Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po struck a sweet volley from the edge of the area against both posts before the back of the net bulged.

So at half time, the Druids were looking good, but after that, they kind of didn't. They sucked big time, and Creedence Clearwater battered them, until Horace Orange decided enough was enough and finished it by running away from everyone like they had some kind of contageous disease and smashing it into the top corner. Even though CC got one back, they still didn't have enough to pull it back, and so it finished 3-2 to the Druids.

Afterwards, Simon Greaves, the Druids joint manager, told us, "We've done it, we've beaten Creedence Clearwater at last! Seeing as we've already beaten The Redavic Union, our other main rival we have to get one over is Athamasha, who don't play anymore. I think that it must , therefore, be a moral victory against them, and that means that we have put all our ghosts to bed." But when asked about other teams who had thrashed the Druids twenty years ago, Greaves wasn't that bothered. "Don't care. We sucked anyway."

Final Score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 3 [Belmore 13, Gessemschmitthaagen-Po 42, Orange 64]
Creedence Clearwater 2 [<player 10> 21, 86]


Matches so far...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids 1-0 Eauz
Matchday 3: Nominaen 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids 3-2 Creedence Cleawater

...top scorers...

[7] Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po
[4] Trevor Belmore,
[1] Bill Posters, Horace Orange, Trevor Law

...and still to come

Matchday 5: Avenging Altos v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids v Ebon Hawk
Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.

Crystils Cracked

The Crystils regrouped after a dissapointed 1-3 defeat to group leading The Eagles Nest in what could likely be the deciding matchup in the competition. The matchup against Tadjikistan was billed as one of the most exciting to watch on Matchday 4, and left no one dissapointed, except fans from Tadjikistan. With Crystilakere and Tadjikistan seperated by just a small amount of points, and both with light matchups on matchday 5, it was well known that the Winner of the Crystilakere-Tadjikistan match would take control of Second place into the final 5 Matchdays. While Tadjikistan outplayed Crystilakere early on the Tadjiks home turf, it was Crystilakere who got on the board first. Filippo Ferrao rose gigantically in the area to beat everyone to Zuccos corner kick and put the Crystils 1-0 up going into the half. The rest of the match was an entertaining affair, with both goalkeepers forced to make oodles of saves to keep their respective teams in the game. In the end neither side would find twine again and Crystilakere would take control of the second qualification spot with the 1-0 Victory in Tadjikistan

Scorers:
Crystilakere: Ferraro(38)

Results:
Matchday 1: Crystilakere V Haperd Win 3-1
Matchday 2: Crystilakere V Spurland Draw 1-1
Matchday 3: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest Lose 1-3
Matchday 4: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan Win 1-0
Matchday 5: Crystilakere V Loonyvania
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: Crystilakere V Haperd
Matchday 7: Crystilakere V Spurland
Matchday 8: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest
Matchday 9: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan
Matchday10: Crystilakere V Loonyvania

Jeruselem Government News

Lovisa ruin Crusader's day

Jeruselem lost 2-1 to Lovisa on a match day 4 with Tanah Burung also having day to forget. Sardarzia and Lovisa head group 9 after Match day 4.

It was never going to be an easy match with higher ranked Lovisa who always seem to do well at the world cup. Lovisa looked the better team on the day and continued their great form. Jeruselem had their chances but the Lovisa defense was too good for the day allowing in a Kewell goal late in the 2nd half.

"World Champions not as tough as we thought.
They still beat us, but only by a downright flukey goal"

Come with me now and picture the scene of Starblaydia at home to Commerce Heights. Don't close your eyes and imagine it, or you won't be able to read the description. There I go breaking the 'fourth wall' rule but never mind.

The 94,000-seater Stadium is packed to the rafters. Everywhere is the white and purple of Starblaydia's kit. Flags, banners, replica shirts, mascots, overly-large, novelty, novelty items. In essence, the whole shebang. Now, as a Starblaydi player you will be looking to pass the ball to other Starblaydi pleyers, in white and purple. When you look up and see nothing but white and purple, where do you pass to?

What about the large block of white over to the right, or the blur of flesh that could be a lot of shirtless fans or is it your stiker? And what about the...oh. Oh dear. The World Champion has just taken the ball off you.

Do you see my point? Good.

So when a central-defender thinks his partner is going of the striker with the ball because he sees a blur of white, and the other defender thinks the first is going for the Commerce Heightsian forward, you can see what sort of a mess Starblaydia got into. Thankfully, Rodriguez Da Silva only had to pay attention to the men in green and he was on top form throughout the match.

Only star man Cyprus Pound managed to beat Da Silva after around twenty minutes. This win for Commerce Heights catapulted them above Starblaydia by virtue of goal difference, goals scored and result between the two teams. So thats pretty decisive for both having Won 2 and Lost 2.

Starblaydia will look to gain points at out-of-form Cockbill Street, though the Street will certainly be looking to climb the table.

Final Score:
Starblaydia 0 - 1 Commerce Heights
(Pound 23)

Other Group 14 News - A good day for away teams
Slaikau 0 - 1 Soccer Hooliganism
Soccer Hooliganism's first ever win puts them above Slaikau at the bottom of the Group
Cockbill Street 0 - 1 Iansisle
Another great win for Iansisle that keeps the disappointing Street down in 4th behind Starblaydia

Group 14 Standings
Group 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Iansisle 10 3 1 0 6: 2 4
2. Commerce Heights 6 2 0 2 6: 3 3
*3 Starblaydia 6 2 0 2 4: 4 0*
4. Cockbill Street 5 1 2 1 2: 2 0
5. Soccer Hooliganism 4 1 1 2 2: 7 -5
6. Slaikau 2 0 2 2 2: 4 -2

WOODSTOCK (ASP) -- The Sarzonian national team began preparations for the final match of the first leg of qualifying in Woodstock, getting set to face second place Lovisa with sole possession of first place in Group 9 at stake. The two sides are tied with 10 standings points each, five points clear of third place. They are also tied in goal differential. The Stars have scored two more goals than Lovisa has.

"This is going to be one hell of a match," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "It's going to be absolutely vital that we get off to a good start against an outstanding team that's playing outstanding football. We may be lucky to survive this match.

"We're going to have to continue to play as well in this match as we did in the previous match against Tanah Burung," midfielder Darwin Russell said. "They weren't 24th ranked in the world and they aren't tied with us for first place for nothing."

The Stars announced no lineup changes after the temporary shift in goalkeepers from Troy Perkins to Kerry Tanner back to Perkins.

"We did that to give Kerry some experience back there if we had to call on him later," Marshall said. "Now that he has an international match under his belt, we would feel a lot better about giving him a start if we needed to give Troy a match off."

Marshall said the team was continuing to evaluate home grown talent for possible call ups for "depth players.

"We may also use some guys to push our starters and reserves," Marshall said. "The roster limit is 23 and we are carrying 17 players at the moment."

New Cyprus Loses Again: Expected By Now?
You never would expect New Cyprus to do well, or succeed in the World Cups. And am I about to drop a whopper on you all, they haven't yet! But the most recent failure is being viewed as a victory to the people of New Cyprus. Even though they lost 2 to 4, almost everyone is cheering, well, at least they will be once they hear the news. In fact, we just got a live interview from our reporter Kagehe Kfni on 1,543,643 Ave. and Sportsview Palace Parkway.

Yes, in fact, here is Alexneag GeNega here to tell you what he thinks...
Oh my gosh! This really makes me happy. Two full points. Jeesh, I, jeesh, woah! Two points! Who knows, we might still win a game with those odds, they key is to not give up faith until the 10th game if you have 9 losses.
...As you can tell hopes are high. In fact, some stores have actually started to show footage of the World Cup events again. And a new station just popped up minutes ago in Supuru City called WCTV, or World Cup Television! Back to you in the studio!

Thanks for that great report! In fact, we have some home video footage of one of the goals, but we can't see who is who except for one team from another team! But I'll talk you through what has happened here...
You see most of the Cyprussians, Cypranians, Cypriots, and anyone cheering for Cyprus leaving through exits, but then an amazing thing happen, and I don't mean the pretzels were being sold for 1/2 their retail value, one of the Cypanians of the team was able to kick the ball far AND straight to a Cyprussian down the field near the opponents goal. And the Cyprussian kicked the ball to the side to a Cypriot really quickly and it made it to him unbelieveably. Then the Cypriot stood there for a second not even realizing he had the ball and then he kicked it, and if flew off towards the far left of the goal! But it made it in. In fact, this happened with the other goal that was scored too we are told.

So has you can see most people are jumping for joy and are awaiting their next match. Now we ourselves don't know it because we just readded World Cup data to our station, but as soon as we finish celebrating, we'll be-

Oh wait! We just got word of who New Cyprus is to play next! The nation of Tanah Burung. It appears Tanah Burung is just a level ahead of New Cyprus, so it appears as if New Cyprus as a chance! With the news of the support it appears as if the team is actually doing more excersize and practicing for this match! Good news I think!

If New Cyprus does beat Tanah Burung it will be a surprise, in fact, a national holiday will probably be declared! But we'll just have to wait and see...

Audio seemed destined to draw
Late on in their game with the 'Claw
'Til in came Jens Rep
With a cheeky side-step
He rounded the keeper to score!

The next game was not quite as tense
As rather than sit on the fence
The 'slaves went-a-scorin'
After heavily whorin'
Their souls to Sir Margaret the wench

FINAL SCORES
Audioslavia 2 (Bracken 31, Rep 81
Raptor Claw 1 (Dude, 61)

Redavic Union 1 (Dude 18)
Audioslavia 3 (Laver 12, O`Brien 50, 78 )

Effective at once, the team from The Holy Empire of the Water Cooler is withdrawn. We are now officially and completely ‘forfeiting’ all matches we where scheduled to take part in, now and in the future.

[OOC: Again, I ask why? Someone else could have competed in the World Cup qualifying stage and now can not because the spot they could have taken was occupied by a team that quit for whatever reason. That's pretty damn disappointing to the other teams in the competition.]

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

WHEN FARMERS ATTACK, SOLSKJAER STRIKES BACK
Close game finishes on happy note for Lightning

Svecia 3 Melmond 2

VILÄMNA, Svecia - Once again, Mikeal Solskjaer came through when it mattered. One begins to wonder why this man has not had more international offers to play club overseas? The Kystig FC midfielder, who moved up to striker for the national squad scored his 3th goal of qualifying off a penalty kick in the 80th minute for the Lightning to give them a 3-2 victory over visiting rivals Melmond.

As always, whenever Svecia and Melmond play, there's an air of breathless excitement even before the stadium gates open. Almost a full 6 hours before the match started, people started pouring into Huvudstad Park to get the best spots to watch the jumbotrons and the public transportation traveling to the stadium was packed.

About 3 hours before game time, people stood outside the Rijksstadion burning effagies of Melmond football players and cheering good natured cheers at the Melmond players arriving on their bus to the stadium.

An hour before game time, as the players were warming up on the pitch, the Rijksstadion was close to full and cheers of "Donder! Blitzen!" were deafening.

And whenever Svecia and Melmond play, it's always an interesting game.

Melmond managed to silence the orange-clad stadium in the 21st minute with a beautifully worked goal. The Melmond triangle formation completely baffled the Svecian defense and caught everyone, including the keeper Piet van Meer, out of position.

Svecia equalized in the 39th minute after Hanan Belagt screamed in a shot that was saved right to a streaking Karl Mayha, whose diving header left the entire stadium stunned in delight.

THe Lightning went ahead 2-1 on a goal by Benelux Maalerski in the 51st minute, but this was cancelled out by a Otsjx strike for Melmond in the 72nd minute.

But it was Mikael Solskjaer that got the winner in the 80th minute after a Melmond defender was called for a handball in the penalty area as he tried to head the ball out. Melmond players claimed vehemently that the referee was incorrect, but replays showed otherwise. Solskjaer calmly walked up and put the ball in the top right corner of the goal, showing once again, why he was the player of the year for the Svecikan Premier League.

The stadium erupted in chants of "Solskjaer!" and singing of "The Norskien", the Svecikan version of the Norwegian national anthem, the country where Solskjaer was born.

Svecia remains just tied with Oaker in point in region 3 of qualifying, but this could change as the Lightning travel to Oaker in the clash of Region 3 leaders. In the last Cup of Harmony, Svecia and Oaker played each other twice, but Svecia took both games away with a 1-0 score. However, that was in a neutral stadium, and this match will be in a hostile environment. The Lightning already know that Oaker is a tough side to play despite their ranking, but the Lightning are blazing and ready to turn on the heat.



SVENCIKA KVÄLLSTIDNING TABLOID

LIARS!
Melmond papers report falsely over Svecia

The Lightning's recent victory over the Melmond "Toothless" Farmers was a resounding success for the host Svecians. But of course the Melmonders coulndn't believe that their team would lose and of course had to find blame somewhere.

First it was the cold. It's summer in Svecia! How could it be cold. The Melmond papers reported that the temperature was a mere 5 degrees C. It was in fact 15 degrees C, quite a warm temperture for an evening game.

Then it was the rain. Granted the field was a little wet, but the error that led to Benelux Maalerski's goal could have happened to anyone, and it takes away from the effort that Maalerski put into the shot.

Of course they had to blame the cheese. It was not swiss cheese as the Melmond papers reported, but Svecia cheese, the national cheese of Svecia, which was developed just to be the national cheese.

And finally the penalty kick. Replays clearly showed the ball hitting the [hand] of the Melmond defender, and Svecia did deserve the goal after the hard match and the hard earned win.


-Svencika Kvällstidning Tabloid, Justice and Equality in Reporting-

ASNN - Stars take group lead with victory over Oddslavo

GRAHAM CITY - The stars continued their undefeated run with a much needed victory over Oddslavo today. With Lemmitania's untimely defeat to Oddslavo, the Stars were in a position to take control of the group, where every point would count. The game began with several probing attacks by both teams, but the Stars would burst out and begin their siege of the Oddslavan goal.

With his quick speed, Orlando Rose took advantage of a stolen pass and burst his way through the stuneed Oddslavan defense. After two defenders caught themselves and challenged Rose, he used his ball handling skills to manuever away from him and towards the help of a rushing Mark Jeremy, who took his pass and pounded it into the open net.

The next goal came quickly after that, when Kellen Asten took the ball away on a stellar challenge and passed down the left line to Pavel Julios, whose run towards the box ended in a beautiful cross to Jason Fleury, who headed it into the open net. After that, the Stars pulled back and allowed their defense to take over, though several close calls from shots by Donahugh and Rose made it clear that the Stars could still pounce should Oddslavo try to make a comeback

Luckily, it wasn't necessary.

TLC Stars 2 - 0 Oddslavo
Jeremy (21st, Rose Assist)
Fleury (34th, Julios Assist)

Ze Bulliao is at it again

Marco Ze Bulliao was relativly unknown just 2 years ago, when he was surprisingly selected for the CoH side. Scoring the winning goal in the thrid place play-off marked his name in a number of scouts books. He decided however to remain for his contract at The Crew before moving last summer to The Cenataurs. He was selected as one of the starting 11 for this campaign, and has quickly became the key striker in the line-up. Playing without fear of failure or respect for reputations, he has managed to score in every game so far.
The latest strike was vitally important. It was the only goal as the Hurricanes edged out an impressive Aquilla side who were filled with confidence after beating the Lions of Bedistan last time out. Both sides had good early chances, but the two keepers were on top form with a series of stunning stops. Indeed, this was anything but a dull 1-0 win, with the action flowing from end to end throughout the first half. Nevertheless, it was goaless at the break.
The match winner arrived just after the re-start. Normandy broke a tackle and spotted Ze Bulliao breaking behind the full-back. The striker ran onto the diagonal ball and placed it into the corner of the net beyond the reach of the keeper.
The remainder of the game saw Bell drop deeper and deeper to help shore up the Hurricanes back line as Aquilla pressed for the equiliser. Fleetfoot once again performed brilliantly in goals to keep his 8th clean sheet in 10 games.

In other games, Ineptia pulled off a shock 2-0 win against Bedistan to keep their 100% record. At the other end of the group, Anitram defeated Asskicken to get their first win in the competition.

Oaker Sharks

Stadium: Pinealla International Stadium

Roster:

Martin Oaker (GK), Carrin Oaker (GK), Stef Oaker (D), Gray Oaker (D), Todd Oaker (D), Lenny Oaker (D), Tabby Oaker (D), Scott Oaker (M) Freddy Oaker (M), Sport Oaker (M), Venus Oaker (M), Arthin Oaker (M), Kelvin Oaker (M), Vincey Oaker (M), Flash Oaker (F), Tip Oaker (F), Cats Oaker (F), Pond Oaker (F)


Oaker 2 Hypercapitalizm 1


Flash Oaker again stole the spotlight as the overachieving striker kept his side at the top of the table with a two goal outing against the sore losers from Hypercapitalizm. Hypercapitalizm have so far performed terribly in the world cup but for some reason refuse to admit that their players have no skills. They have blamed defeats on such outrageous claims as calculation errors, despite the fact that they have not won a single game, and scored just 2 goals, one of which being a 83rd minute own goal by Gray Oaker.

Flash Oaker opened the scoring in a one-sided match 25 minutes in from the penalty spot, after Tip Oaker was hit from behind with a 4 foot calculator being carried by one of the Hypercapitalizm defenders. The referee awarded the penalty on the grounds that the Hypercapitalizm player impeded the progress of the Oaker forward, but no cards were given as there was no ruling on obstruction by calculator. Flash, not known for his penalty taking ability, stepped up at the request of the Oaker fanatics and was lucky that a 63 year old female school teacher had waved to the Hypercapitalizm goalkeeper as he took his kick, as the poorly hit penalty trickled between the pre-occupied goalkeepers legs at approximately e^-9781 kilometers per hour.

Flash then got on the scoreboard from open play, this time showing his talent, the same talent that his opposition lacked, by sweeping home a 20 yard volley after the setup by Sport. The match would go into halftime with the Sharks 2 goals up on their lowly opposition.

After half time Pond Oaker, who had replaced Tip following the violent Calculator throwing incident, had a goal called back controversially for offside, and that would be the last action of the match, before a Gray Oaker back pass skipped over a piece of the 4 foot calculator that had been smashed overtop of Tip an hour before, and bounced out of reach of Martin Oaker, into the net, giving the Hypercapitalists their undeserved second goal of the tournament.


Oaker 2 Snub Nose 38 1

The experts had predicted that this would be the match that was the Sharks undoing, up against the top team in the group, it seemed as if the Oaker run was done. The sharks had other ideas. After going down 1-0 at the half, it seemed certain that Snub Nose 38 would regain their form and power back into the top of the group 3 standings. but Venus Oaker's First ever goal 5 minutes into the second half set up a breathtaking final 10 minutes.

With the scores tied at 1-1, Snub Nose 38 was awarded a penalty kick when substitute Tabby Oaker unfairly challenged a Snub Nose attacker inside the area. The tension was high and you could hear a pin drop when the Snub Nose player stepped up to face Martin Oaker in what promised to be the deciding moment in the match. Martin Oaker dove low to his left, and looked to have been beaten as the ball directed itself in the opposite direction. however, the high ball crashed off the goal post. With all but 2 Snub Nose players attacking for a rebound, the long clearance by the former villain Tabby, settled perfectly for Flash Oaker, who out paced the Snub Nose Defense to collect the bouncing ball.

Flash moved in, the crowd now at full voice, yet deafeningly silent at the same time, as Flash cheated to his left, before going accross goal and beating the Snub Nose 38 goalkeeper with his effort that was redirected in off the far post, giving the sharks the 2-1 lead, and soon after, victory over the highly favored Snub Nose 38. The win kept the sharks in first place, although level on points with Svecia, both teams unbeaten.

Flash Oaker now has 7 goals in 4 games to contend with the top goalscorers in the world cup.

Headlines

Headlines

Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have continued, and orders have now come in from The Lowland Clans in addition to Sarzonia, Iansisle, Oglethorpia and Melmond. Melmond fans have already begun burning Flash's uniform, and it is expected that more will be ordered for the pre-match burning on matchday 6.

The Real-Life Flash Oaker is still competing on the new local reality show "Oaker Stars take a Bath" where local celebrities are all thrown naked into a hot tub, and longer they last in the tub, the more objects will be thrown into the tub, from flying fish to purple skin die, which does not wash off, but does wear off after approximately 5 weeks of natural exposure. The last celebrity in the tub wins Ox/10.000.000 for a charity of their choice.

The second Celebrity to exit the hot tub was Beethovia Oaker. The Oakerap star apparently saw a "*$*&^$ West *&%@*& Coast *&^*!& *&%^*&%@ Man *&%*@&%* *@&%*@ *&%@*^% *&%*@*&% (*%@*@&@ Dammmmn" and hopped out of the tub to chase him. So much for improving your image.

Bulzyit Oaker, the Newscaster from Channel 0 was the first to exit after apparantly overhearing some hot gossip betwen two actresses and did not care enough about the charity to stay and win money for them, but just wanted to produce a news story. stupid reporters.




Thats all from Oaker today, tune in tomorrow for a report on the match against Svecia!

Ankh-Morpork C-mail
We're Back

Iansisle Complex Continues
They Aren't That Good - So Why Can't We Beat 'Em?

The Iansisle Ians have been quite a nemesis for Cockbill Street over the years. Having met in two World Cup qualifying groups together, and two Cup of Harmony groups together, the Street have failed to beat them despite being the better team.

And yesterday, this happened again. The Cockbill Street team, fresh from a reasonably good comeback in the IRC after initial losses and a 1-0 win over World Champions Commerce Heights (albeit having drawn newcomers twice), and with an array of internationally recognised stars such as Einari Einarsson, James Underwood, Rikki Stone, Alec Peterson, Petter Stonelover and Fred Roberts, was facing the more unknown Iansisle, who have gone to every Cup of Harmony there has been. But our stars seemed to be content with that status they had gained with the win over the lucky ones who had escaped the Heightian slums to play football, and instead decided to revert to System Karela without any defensive strength.

As a result, the Street struggled. No offensive play was encouraged, and with a midfield consisting of Harewood's Tom Chapman, a man who hardly has done anything in these first four qualifying games apart from scoring the lone goal in Commerce Heights, on a penalty, the ageing Einari Einarsson, who seems to have lost his technique, and the unexperienced James Underwood, who time and again tries the impossible against better defenders.

The consolation is that the defence seems to be beyond rock solid. Granted, the Street conceded the one goal, but that was from a free-kick that curled back over Roberts and the wall - an excellent shot. Apart from that, Fred Roberts was outstanding at the back, taking the possible and impossible, the Ranger Nic Gunter has made a very good debut at right back, while Tomas Rogers, Bjorn Spearthrower and Petter Stonelover continue to build on what their experience from previous years.

The ageing WC14 trio of Alec Peterson, Steinari Einarsson and Rikki Stone, tried and tested, seems to be working quite well. It hasn't been their fault that the midfield has fallen through completely, and they have made very good attempt at putting away the few chances they have got, and the only thing that can fix that is another call-up of Harald Axewielder. The C-mail have been in contact with the now 40-year-old player-manager of G'ch'perykh Irgo'ba, but he does not want to discuss the national team, saying "that is a finished chapter in my life, and I am now completely focused on G'ch'perykh and their quest for the Compound League."

Street XI: Roberts - Gunter, Rogers, Spearthrower, Stonelover - Chapman, E Einarsson, Underwood - Peterson, S Einarsson, Stone.

Cockbill Street 0
Iansisle 1 (<number 8> 49)

The Street are fourth after four games in group fourteen. With the new 15 by 6 system, every game is important, and so will our next game against Starblaydia be. There is rumours that Vimesbairn Athletic's 25-year-old right-winger Tommy Pettswich will be called up to this match, as a replacement for Chapman, but this is yet to be confirmed.

Group 14 - with proper Streetian formatting
Iansisle 4 3 1 0 6-2 10
Commerce Heights 4 2 0 2 6-3 6
Starblaydia 4 2 0 2 4-4 6
Cockbill Street 4 1 2 1 2-2 5
Soccer Hooliganism 4 1 1 2 2-7 4
Slaikau 4 0 2 2 2-4 2

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

"It's time to kick ass"
Manager Pancrazio Black's words truer than ever

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Following a himuluating and unsurprising loss to group powerhouse and visiting opponent Europa Brittania, Pancrazio Black showed the nation he had something no one else in the nation had; a mullet, and optimism for the Oglethorpian squad in World Cup 16 qualifying.

"I think this is the turning point," said Black after the 2-nil loss to EB in Amalgamated Stadium. "It's time- it's time to kick ass."

It's time to kick ass indeed -- Oglethorpia going an unprecedented 2-0-0 unbeaten streak. Such is the comeback of the Oglethorpian team from the grand asskicking delivered by Europa Brittania that some have questioned, "will this WC16 squad break the revered Wonderteam winning streak of 3 matches?!"

Time will tell; time will tell. Oglethorpia is riding high on a matchday 3 4-nil victory over some opponent most of the starting eleven doesn't remember, and a 2-nil victory over Magnus Valerius; a true shocker to self-declared 'we've-given-up-on-them' Oglethorpian fans.

Oglethorpia goes into matchday 5 versus an unknown opponent, but according to a well-versed fan of the Bureaucratic States national side, "it's probably a team a whole lot better than us. With any luck, the fluke victories will continue rolling in for Oglethorpia."

Forward Anton Gregor's 87th minute goal after an offside trap gone wrong gave the Sarzonian national team a 1-1 draw with Lovisa that kept both teams tied for first in standings points and goal differential. The Stars remain ahead in total goals scored with 11.

"We'd have liked to have gotten the full three points for the win, but we'll take what we can get," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "We earned 11 of a possible 15 points in the first five matches, most of them at home. Now the road becomes much tougher as we play most of the second leg away. Our lads will rack up some serious frequent flyer miles," he joked.

Forward Georg Lunz scored first for Lovisa in the 22nd minute when midfielder Jacek Szymanski easily sliced through the Sarzonian backline and crossed from the right sideline to Lunz, whose onetime header beat a goalkeeper Troy Perkins.

The Lovisans continued to dominate possession throughout the first half and nearly added to their lead in the 34th when midfielder Valdek Kulig scorched a free kick that Perkins sprawled to his left to stop.

Marshall gave his team a tongue-lashing at the half and the Stars responded in the second half. They held possession for 37 of the 45 minutes in the second half, finally equalizing on Gregor's goal after several spectacular saves from goalkeeper Piotr Jedlinski.

"[Jedlinski] was tough," Gregor said. "I felt tremendous relief when we finally got that goal."

"The easy part is over," forward Brian Wilson said. "Now the tough part begins. We're facing these guys in the last match. It may determine who gets to move into the World Cup finals and who goes home. And it will be at Lovisa."

The Stars travel to Jeruselem for the rematch of the team's World Cup qualifying debut. The teams drew 2-2 to open the group qualifying stage.

SCORING
Sarzonia: Gregor 87 (Wilson); Lovisa: Lunz 22 (Szymanski)


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 11 3 2 0 11: 5 6
2. Lovisa 11 3 2 0 9: 3 6
3. Jeruselem 7 2 1 2 6: 5 1
4. Tanah Burung 7 2 1 2 4: 4 0
5. Minas Trith 5 1 2 2 5: 6 -1
6. New Cyprus 0 0 0 5 3:15 -12

Midway Review Show

TEN In Control After 5-0 Win Vs. Spurland

The TV Screen fires up with scenes of the games of the first 5 days, showing various goals and saves by Nest players. They fade to a small set.

Well everyone, I hope you enjoyed the 5-0 Win over Spurland, including Horace's second career hat trick following the double blasts at the 7th and 8th minutes, and his goal late at the 81st minute. With that win, the Birds have go through the first 5 games undefeated and untied.

So the standings after the two other shutout wins today by Crystilikare and Tadjikistan?


Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 5 5 0 0 20 2 18 15 30
2 Crystilakere 5 3 1 1 8 5 3 10 25
3 Tadjikistan 5 3 0 2 11 7 4 9 24
4 Haperd 5 2 0 3 8 14 -6 6 21
5 Spurland 5 0 2 3 8 16 -8 2 17
6 Loonyvania 5 0 1 4 2 13 -11 1 16


We can all agree that Spurland and Loonyvania are for the most part, almost out of the running. Haperd has a long shot to make it, but it appears that the second position will go down between Crystilikare and Tadjikistan as was predicted before the first match.

So let's do some predicting shall we?

Bob's Prediction:

Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 10 8 0 2 33 12 21 24 24
2 Haperd 10 7 0 3 22 22 0 21 21
3 Tadjikistan 10 6 0 4 21 13 8 18 18
4 Crystilakere 10 4 1 5 13 15 -2 13 13
5 Loonyvania 10 2 2 6 10 23 -13 8 8
6 Spurland 10 0 3 7 14 28 -14 3 3


Ok bob....what were you thinking there....or drinking? Let's look at another one shall we?

Jim's Prediction:




I like pie.





WHAT the........

Ok, it seems that SOMEONE is going to be fired tonight.

Anyway, the Nest will be playing Loonyvania tomorrow at home. We stand by our predicition that the Crystils will take the second position, on tiebreakers. Also the highly touted match between two 4-0-0 teams Svecia and Oaker was won by Svecia, 2-1. This leaves only 4 5-0-0 teams: Europa Brittania, Svecia, NEWI Cefn Druids, and The Eagle's Nest.

Until later. GO BIRDS!

The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania Win 5-0
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan Win 3-0
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere Win 3-1
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd Win 4-1
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland Win 5-0
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland



Pointless Stats:

Most Goals Scored: TEN (20)
Least Goals Scored: Adrasuvare (0)
Best Goal Differential: TEN (+18)
Worst GD: ASSKICKEN (-16)
Teams with 5 Wins: 4
Teams with No Losses: 13
Teams with No Wins: 17
Teams with 5 Losses: 5

but according to a well-versed fan of the Bureaucratic States national side, "it's probably a team a whole lot better than us. With any luck, the fluke victories will continue rolling in for Oglethorpia."

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Sad but true
Words immortalize Oglethorpian brand of lameness

By Bill Christmas

EL CID THE HERO (BT) -- At the hands of the world-reknown dyslexians of EL CID THE HERO Oglethorpia would falter on matchday 5 of World Cup 16 qualifying. Oglethorpia made the journey to EL CID to face the side as visitors.

Said van Mistletoe, "no one on the team knew who we'd be playing. Luckily, someone did know. Or unluckily, since the outcome didn't really matter, now did it?"

For van Mistletoe had good reason to be in a sour mood following the full-time whistle; notable for it's massive girth, and the three words painted along the side of the whistle, "FULL TIME WHISTLE." EL CID struck hard in the early minutes of the match with an impressive run that left images of disfigured sentences and misspelt words in the minds of aghast Oglethorpians watching the televised match.

Henry Louis-Charleston White in goal would soon follow EL CID's 1-nil lead with a flurry of explitives -- which reached the Bureaucratic States in the form of morse code. It was later confirmed that the pattern of bleeped-out curse words spelt out "we suck." How ironic.

The rest of the match was uninteresting; EL CID extended the lead to two goals in the second half after Louis-Charleston White left the stadium with the intent to "get drunk and laid." Jim Green stood in for White, and under his stewardship the defecit reached 2 goals.

Crowd support was split into uninterested and disgusted Oglethorpian fans who were quick to leave the away-match shouting about what a ripoff it was, and the uncanny ability of native EL CIDians to manage to speak a typo. So dumb were they, that lack of spelling finesse was possible to be verbally conveyed.

van Mistletoe tried to explain the loss by saying "we weren't focused. We thought they'd be pushovers because y'know, they're kinda dumb in the head. But they made up for it in footballing skill; we're not gunna make that mistake again and underestimate our next opponent. After this match, we're looking forward to getting the squad back together and composed, and finding where Henry [Louis-Charleston White] ended up in a hangover, or in a brothel passed out. And which brothel that is, for reference. Y'know, if we ever play in EL CID again."

van Mistletoe later called the Tribune clearing up his comments; that knowing where the brothel is would help him find White again, should he decide to indulge in such vices. Mistletoe said he wanted to make sure it was not his intent to convey that he would be making use of a brothel's services.

Though you never know; that may just be the thing to pick up Oglethorpian preformance.

"We're open to all possiblities, at this point," remarked manager Pancrazio Black. "Our preformance is all over the board, so we're willing to try anything. Anything to try and take another stab at that epic 3-game winning streak set by the incomparable Wonderteam."

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 0
EL CID THE HERO - 2 (EL CID THE DYSLEXIC 10th, 49th)

Foot in Mouth Disease
Voodoo Dice or Not, This Was Pathetic
By Dita Dutch of the Acosta Chronicle

CIRDANISTAN—Quite honestly, this match sums up the Melmondian voodoo dice curse. We always expect very much from our national teams with the talent they have and the effort they put in. Sometimes our sports departments in papers across the nation get so confident in the teams chances that it guarantees bold predictions. For example, many in Melmond felt the side was due and had its best combination of talent and emotion in last qualifying campaigns “Team of Destiny.” That turned out to be Melmond’s version of Reebok’s Dan/Dave debacle of 1992 on the planet Earth in the nation of the United States of America.
However, the prediction made in this paper last time was far from bold; it seemed like a sure thing. Sure, the Under-a-Cheevers were on the road, but after a squeaker against group leading Svecia, many expected an explosion by the Under-a-Cheevers to be taken out on hapless Cirdanistan. Cirdanistan never even scored a goal in its history never mind a point in this division. Cirdanistan is an avowedly communist side, the kinds of side Melmond love to rout and make a statement against. Also, the goalless wonders faced one of the world’s best goalkeepers in Melmond’s Snhp Xtfuinxm. Everything pointed toward a woodshed rout in favor of the Melmond National Team. But as we are getting familiar with here in Melmond, the side takes you really high only to let you down.
The voodoo dice had the referee seeing red in terms of any challenge for the Under-a-Cheevers early on. At the 7th minute, Melmond midfielder Rainy Zoulthane makes a sliding kick to try to clear the ball away from the streaking Cirdanistan midfielder Mikhail Molotov. Molotov then does what we called the coodoo dive; it’s when the voodoo dice makes the diving playing truly look in utter pain. Molotov seemed to be genuinely injured whereas replays show that Zoulthane made a clean sliding kick. Molotov could not get up until the referee issues Zoulthane a red card. Once Zoulthane was in the locker room, Molotov was able to get up and continue the match as if nothing happened to him.
Melmond was down a player in the match and it seems as if the voodoo dice curse has returned in full force as the power behind the voodoo dice must have found a way to break the seal made by the practitioners of white magic led by cursologist Dr. Farg U. Icehole. However, considering how sorry of a side Cirdanistan is, the Melmond side was able to get two goals in before things really headed south. On a corner kick at the 14th minute, Melmond defender Jonsi Torrini tried his Acosta-Audioslavia arc. His famous arcing kick had enough English to beat the voodoo dice which seemed to make it point away from the Cirdanistan net. Jonsi Torrini gets his first goal of the qualifying campaign as Melmond takes the 1-nil lead. That lead will become 2-nil after another corner kick after Melmond striker Chris Owen anticipated a head shrinkage incident from the voodoo dice and deflected Jonsi Torrini’s way off Acosta-Audioslavia arc into the net past Cirdanistan goalkeeper Haen Lokka. Melmond takes a 2-nil lead at the 21st minute.
However, that is the only good news this match had to offer. As the first half was on its last minutes, despite all the advantages the voodoo dice has given them, the pathetic Cirdanistan side was not able to score. Melmond earned another corner kick, as Jonsi Torrini lets out a lob of a kick. Melmond striker Chris Owen was in position to make the header into the net, however a voodoo dice inflicted growth of his head made his head giant sized which ended up headbutting Cirdanistan goalkeeper Haen Lokka, knocking him out and giving him a concussion. Owen was trying to see if he was okay, but the referee gave him the red card at the 44th minute for his perceived flagrant headbutt. Lokka had to be replaced by backup goalkeeper Goran Neuton.
The voodoo dice operated was obviously very mad as the power of voodoo dice has knocked Melmond down, but hasn’t gotten the lowly Cirdanistan side to do anything right. So in order to the make the Under-a-Cheevers look foolish, we saw some extreme voodoo dice action, especially toward the one who has thus far defied the voodoo dice in this match, Melmond defender Jonsi Torrini. Every Melmond pass or dribble was interrupted with strange happenings from your simple change of direction to a renegade group of Josef Stalin impersonators Cossack dancing the ball out of Melmond’s possession. The referee was distracted by a shiny object, which ended up being a person wearing a Svecian orange jersey. So of course, he saw nothing at all.
The Cirdanistan goals were very bizarre. As Cirdanistan midfielder Thomas Millner was looking for one of his strikers on a cross, Melmond defender Jonsi Torrini seemed to float in midair. The look on his face showed that he was in no control of where he was going that he was being dragged around by some unknown entity. A panicked Torrini saw his head going toward the ball in midair where he deflects the shot into his own net. Cirdanistan gets their first goal ever…sort of. The same thing happens again as the other Cirdanistan midfielder Kjell Jager was looking to make a cross to a striker, Torrini was picked up and dragged through the air to head the ball into his own net. The own goals were at the 70th and 71st minute. Both times Torrini was put up high in the air and just dropped. The first time he was in pain but got up, but the second time he got a concussion and had to be substituted for. Young defender Veronica Dean came into the match, but nothing but weird thing would happen for any scoring chance Melmond had from then on. The match will end in a 2-2-2 tie in an utter embarrassment of Melmond football period.
In some curious news, we have some corrections to report from the Svecian match. First of all, the temperature was read wrong, I had anemia at the time and was really cold and some fat guy was blocking the one. So in fact it was 15 degrees Celsius. Second, that was indeed Svecian cheese, not Swiss cheese as previously reported, and when it isn’t left in the rain, it is rather delicious with sausages. However, we stay adamant that the hand ball was a blown call as there was no hand ball and the defender was not even in the goalkeeper’s box. Also Turori claimed that there was going to be a Group 13 fixture in Melmond and they are looking for players. We have no clue of what they speak of as all the football being played at our stadiums is the international matches, the Melmond Eliminational Invitational, and Melmond Premier League matches.

Goals
Torrini, MEL 14th
Owen, MEL 21st
Torrini, CIR (OG) 70th
Torrini, CIR (OG) 71st

Cards
Zoulthane, MEL 7th
Owen, MEL 44th

Standings

Other Group 3 Results
Snub Nose 38 1 – HypercapitaliZm 2
Oaker 1 – Svecia 2

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Svecia 15 5 0 0 11:4 7
2. Oaker 12 4 0 1 11:4 7
3. Melmond 7 2 1 2 8:8 0
4. HypercapitaliZm 6 2 0 3 7:9 -2
5. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 4 7:6 1
6. Cirdanistan 1 0 1 4 2:15 -13

Team Stats
Goals: Mornakh the Bloody Handed (4), Critandi Unne (1), Fwynj Otsjx (1), Jonsi Torrini (1), Chris Owen (1)
Cards: Trav Strachan (1), Rainy Zoulthane (1), Chris Owen (1), Charles Unne (1)

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor) W 3-0
@ Snub Nose 38 W 1-0
@ Svecia L 3-2
@ Cirdanistan T 2-2
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
vs. Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta)

Let us try to look at the bright side of that embarrassing and cursed match in Cirdanistan. We got a tie and Oaker lost, so we gained a point on the side that we need to overcome to get our first World Cup berth. It can be very much done as Oaker’s record is as inflated as the currency of Slani Hyperinflation. Oaker played foru of their first five at home whereas Melmond has played four of their first five matches on the road. Now Melmond has the major home advantage. On the good side, the Melmondian wizards are starting to do voodoo dice exorcising by burning jerseys of Oaker star Flash Oaker. Also a crack team of PIs from Melmond and HypercapitaliZm: Former Melmond defender Paul “Edgy” Shields, world champion shoe flinger Dugger Laga, Oinky the Capitalizt Pig from the failed Commerce Heights-Melmond World Cup 16 bid, Buzz Sugarshack who is the owner of some chub clubs in Hypercapitalizm, and Joe Bakedbeans who is Hypercapitalizm’s loudest farter; will be investigating who has reawakened the voodoo dice. Other than voodoo dice, Melmond will have to deal with their many red card suspensions and injuries. Both Rainy Zoulthane and Chris Owen are serving red card suspension and Jonsi Torrini is out with a concussion. Melmond will also replace the very underachieving Snhp Xtfuinxm with the overachieving Gina Unne. Defender Trav Strachan is back from a suspension.

GK- Gina Unne
D- Kestrel Bluesummers
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Trav Strachan
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Andrew Gore
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Naol Keelafin
F- Benjamin Leeb

Frankndottir Stadium
Location: Acosta, Melmond
Seats: 37,176 (Open Air)

Acosta is Melmond’s seventh largest city and possibly one of Melmond’s most majestic cities. Acosta’s crystal clear skies and its glacial and mountainous background make it a tourist attraction for nature lovers. Finally, Acosta football fans, or what’s left of them after the metamorphosis from Fearless to Forsaken, can enjoy that grandeur from their own outdoor football specific stadium. Frankndottir Stadium was a stadium where many college and semi-pro sports events happened. It got a facelift and five times the seating so the Melmond Premier League’s Acosta Browns can make their home there. There are no more kazoos due to the fact that Walla Pharmacy is not involved with the team anymore. Also the kazoos aren’t as effective in an outdoor place. Some tickets are still available!

The Daily Indoctrinator
Pasty Bums Make Entire Nation Vomit

Due to a clever death threat by our great leader 8-bit, the Evil Umpire National Team was able to wield tennis rackets. Everyone knows that Scots hate tennis. They show pale cheeks and win 3-2.

The Sarzonian national team began the second leg of qualifying matches with a difficult road, both literally and figuratively, ahead of it. The team played four of its first five matches at home, only dusting off its passports for one match at New Cyprus. Now the team must play four of its last five matches away.

"We've got a tough match right off the bat against Jeruselem," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "The only home match we have in our next five is against New Cyprus. Our last two matches are against the teams that were the top two in our region before the tournament began."

"We're going to need to get results, plain and simple," team captain and midfielder Bobby Convey said. "We don't have any room to slack off against any of these teams."

The team was coming off a tough 1-1 draw against Lovisa and the players said to a man that they needed to play much tougher than they did in the first half of that match.

"We played like they were demigods in that first match," forward Brian Wilson said. "Coach gave us a verbal kick in the pants and we played like we belonged on the field with them. We've got to start playing 90 minutes of Sarzonian football if we're going to advance past the qualifying stage."

Meanwhile, the team talked about additional motivation for the match against Jeruselem.

"They've been disrespecting us," one player said on condition of anonymity. "That team talks a lot of trash and they're saying we're 'weekend footballers.' Their reporters didn't even bother to watch the match and wrote up whatever they wanted to."

"If we need disrespect to motivate us, we have problems," another player said. "But hopefully, that will give us some edge and we come out and play a focused 90 minutes. We'll need that to strengthen our chances to advance to the finals."

Turori FA Searches for More Players[/center]

Arturo Bengali, a defender with the Saugerties Snakes who was disappointed not to be given consideration for the Sarzonian national team, heard the announcement and sent match tapes to the Turori FA with a copy of his passport showing his mother Maia was Turorian.

"Since I have not played an international match for Sarzonia, I would be eligible to play for your national team."

Bengali recently was named team captain for the Snakes, who have made a remarkable improvement in their second year of existence, finishing just four points out of a playoff berth.

http://www.nationstates.net/images/flags/uploads/kylaai.jpgThe Reformed Islands of Kylaai


Goalkeeper: Mandoo Nania
Defenders: Lital Tirar, Hito Burrito, Vito Frito, Max
Midfielders: Rising Sun, Macala Moria, Tennence Fleiam, Norada-Fell
Attackers: Mazu Kazu, Vlanti Vimorta

Kylaai 0 Gesamtkuntswerk 2

We were not good in this match and had no scorers.

Dennisov 3 Kylaai 2

We almost won this match which would have been good. Max scored a goal and then so did Mazu Kazu.

Kylaai 1 Oceaice 2

This could have been a nice win because we were at home but it wasn't because we lost. Rising Sun scored for us.

Kylaai 5 Fawcett City 0

We scored a lot of goal in this one. Mazu Kazu scored twice because he is very good. Max did not score but he almost did when he hit the barpost. Vlanti Vimorta scored one goal. Macala Moria & Norada-Fell also scored one goal. Actually they scored two goals. Actually Erase that. Mazu Kazu scored Two Goals. Vlanti Vimorta scored One Goal. Macala Moria scored one goal. Norada-Fell scored one goal. Max scored zero goals.

Kaze Progressa 3 Kylaai 1

Norada-Fell Scored but Max did not. We are Last.

Region 1 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Kaze Progressa 13 4 1 0 13: 3 10
2. Gesamtkuntswerk 10 3 1 1 8: 3 5
3. Dennisov 8 2 2 1 8: 7 1
4. Fawcett City 4 1 1 3 2: 9 -7
5. Oceaice 4 1 1 3 5:13 -8
6. Kylaai 3 1 0 4 9:10 -1

There we were just-a drawing with the Street
Doo-Wah Diddy and all that nonsense at the halfway stage

A nice draw for Starblaydia, though not as nice for Cockbill Street. Starblaydia went behind to a Peterson goal after the half hour, as he prised open the defence and slotted it past Da Silva. Stablaydia couldn't equalise before half time. David Benson, replacing the suspended J.J. Stark after his red-card antics of the previous match, quickly fired the Blades into parity, dropping in from the rightwing to dance past a few defenders and drill the ball into the far corner.

The match settled down a bit more, until a Street attack was broken up and quickly countered, with Starblaydi Right-back Robert Cole running nearly the full length of the pitch to support his strikers and get his boot on the end of a lovely move, scoring his first ever international goal. With less than 10 minutes to go, Starblaydia were looking good for the three points.

They reckoned without subsitute midfielder Hoawrd, who had come on to shore up the defence. From an injury-time flick on by Stone, Howard hit a screamer from twenty-five yards, that may have taken a deflection off Spike Martin, which flew past Da Silva like a rocket. The last kick of the game had proved to be the equaliser for the Street, who celebrated their draw, while Starblaydia rued the lack of a victory which would have put them in second.

Its now Won 8, Drawn 7 and Lost 8 for Starblaydia in their history of World Cup Qualifiers, and you can't say they're not consistent.

Looking at the group table as it stands, one would expect Starblaydia to be caught and run down by Cockbill Street over the next five games, to push the Blades into the predicted fourth position. But with The Street's comparatively poor form over the past five matches, Starblaydia have a chance, as they already have a one point lead. Two points then need to be made up, a third to overtake Commerce Heights, the World Champions.

Siz points behind Iansisle seems impossible for Starblaydia, who could only match the Iansislanders by doubling their current points total. Starblaydia will travel to Iansisle in the next match, looking to avenge the earlier 2-0 defeat at the hands of the Group Leaders.


Final Score:
Starblaydia 2 - 2 Cockbill Street
(Benson 47, R. Cole 83)(Peterson 32, Howard 89)

Starblaydi International News
Former Starblaydia Under-21 Sweeper Duncan Jacob has declared his intention to try and play for Turori. Jacob, 23, claims his grandmother was from Turori, and that he'd also looked at a map of the island colony once. Jacob has never won a cap or even sat on the bench for the full national side, having only played in Under-21 World Cup 3 in which Starblaydia lost in the second round. His club side, Corinthian Spirits, say they would be pleased to have another International player on their books should Jacob, who has dispensed with his nickname of 'Duke', make it into the Eels side.

Other Group 14 News
Commerce Heights 2 - 0 Slaikau
Again the World Champions fail to thrash much weaker opposition, though it does extend the gap between 2nd and 3rd
Soccer Hooliganism 1 - 4 Iansisle
A fourth and resounding win for the Iansislers, who will be difficult to catch now.

Half-way Round-up
H Iansisle 0-2
H Soccer Hooliganism 3-1
A Slaikau 1-0
H Commerce Heights 0-1
H Cockbill Street 2-2

Group 14 Standings
Group 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Iansisle 13 4 1 0 10: 3 7
2. Commerce Heights 9 3 0 2 8: 3 5
*3 Starblaydia 7 2 1 2 6: 6 0*
4. Cockbill Street 6 1 3 1 4: 4 0
5. Soccer Hooliganism 4 1 1 3 3:11 -8
6. Slaikau 2 0 2 3 2: 6 -4

The Valerian Voice
The Valerian Curse Is Temporarily Lifted As Artoonians Show Their Lack of Talent for the Sport

ARTOONIA -- After being humiliated in a game by Oglethorpia, the Boyars lost much respect from their fans. However, the national team had one more game to play before it was the freeway to home turf. This was a game to be played against Artoonia. Artoonia has not shown itself as a power in football. In fact, since the kickoffs, Artoonia has done a sappy job in the rankings, and against semi-veterans like Magnus Valerius, they were toast.

Even though they made a goal against Magnus Valerius, their home advantage failed them. Members of the Boyars who don't normally make the goals nudged in a few this time around, and the win has instilled hope again in the national team fans. Even after two losses, the Boyars are still energized and ready for the second half of the Qualifying Days.


Final Score
ARTOONIA 1
MAGNUS VALERIUS 3

Goals
Hohenstauffen, 1; 23
Niche, 1; 46
de Sackville, 1; 71

MD 1: EL CID THE HERO v. Magnus Valerius W 2 - 3
MD 2: Magnus Valerius v. Bluesonia W 4 - 1
MD 3: Europa Brittania v. Magnus Valerius L 3 - 0
MD 4: Oglethorpia v. Magnus Valerius L 2 - 0
MD 5: Artoonia v. Magnus Valerius W 1 - 3

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Turori [2]-[1] Giant Zucchini
..............................[ Liano 6,89 ]------------------ [ Urk 28 ]


Cednia Beach Center, Cednia, Turori
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...........Akamoari Liano created a dream start for the Turori Eels over the heavily favored Giant Zucchini when he out paced the stretching Zucchini backline and should composure to find the back of the net inside 5 minutes. Liano, the striker for Yeaddin Owls in the Vilian Stellar Division, already had 5 World Cup goals in 4 matches prior to the Giant Zucchini fixture. The pre match atmosphere was most certainly affected by the heartbreaking defeat to Kingsford when most Turorians felt they had earned a draw. While losing to Kingsford may not sound like such a terrible thing, it was the first defeat for the Eels in World Cup competition in 15 matches dating back to the first Bedistan match in World Cup 15 Qualifiers.

...........The Turori Energy would not hold on however, as Giant Zucchini worked out their issues and began to play classic green ball, peppering shots at Miluao Slietah. Just before the hour mark, one of those shots was left unattended to be smashed home energetically by powerful Zucchinian striker Urk. The home fans were quieted and the Eels were lucky to escape through to half time with the scores level.

...........The highly ineffective Boaibou Houabou was removed at halftime, Replaced by the more Attacking minded Mika Sakatorra, making his first appearance of the Qualifiers to try and add a spark to the Eels Lineup. The spark never came, however the Thin-Lined Turori Defense pulled a few tricks out of their bag to make it through to the final 10 minutes with the only notable action being the straight up swap of Yabaiy Tbaiao for Kiatin Likao in the Turori Midfield.

...........With 10 minutes to play, Coach G.Q. Disterfred removed the tiring Jualiar Vumaou from action, replacing him in a surprising substitution with the inexperienced Mliona-Lpaka Lower Division Striker Kaboafo Iobabao. However, to the delight of the packed home crowd, Iobabao's contributions were almost instant, forcing the Giant Zucchini keeper into 2 quick saves, and forcing an 89th minute corner which Cuolia Tuirma walked as slow as one could to take, with the scores level and time almost out, This was certain to be the Eels last gasp to steal the thunder infront of the home fans. The atmosphere was beyond deafening as Tuirma began to lean towards the ball. As he followed his footing and the ball streamed into the deep Turori Night, the Fans all heald their breathe, watchin Akamoari Liano spin clear of his marker in the box, and leap high off his right foot. As the ball approached Liano's head, the breathless Turori fans again began opening their mouths, just in time to belt out the loudest pitched noise they held in their Arsenal as the ball hit the back of the net, sealing one of the most historic victory in the brief history of Turori football.




!URGENT :: Turori FA Searches for More Players!

Turori FA Press Release, Almintora Turori
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.....At the request of Head Coach Gisterfred Q. Disterfred, The Football Association of Turori will be sending scouts to find foreign-based players who may be eligible to compete on the Turori National Team. Coach Disterfred has admitted that their are only 4 or 5 International Calibre Turorians playing in the Vilita-Turori League System, and with the recent injury to 37 year Central Defensive backup Blootie Aace, Turori has been forced to take the field for important World Cup qualifying Fixtures with less than a full bench, with no recognized Defenders to fall back on should one of the starters have to be removed. Any interested players playing in a League Outside of Turori, with a Turorian Relative that would qualify them for the Turori National team, should contact the Turori Fa at:

Football Association of Turori
14 Litasin Blvd
Almintora, Turori AOVI1082

Or Telephone AOVI1082-0819-1092

.....The Football association are looking for Defenders and Midfielders to travel with the squad to Melmond for the important Group 13 fixture with a place on the bench, and possible International football for those invited. Applications must be received prior to Matchday 8 To be considered for inclusion in the squad, as Coach Disterfred wants to name an unchanged side for the All Important final Two Matches against Kingsford and Giant Zucchini.



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Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

Tigers back on their feet?

Tigers win 5-0, can Triandafillov turn the tide?

Haperd -When the Tigers arrived in Haperd, they were under some pressure to do better, this opponent was ranked lower than Tadjikistan, but still very dangerous. Triandafillovs men started calm and organized, And put pressure on their opponents. Haperds defense kept the Tadjiks out until a breakthrough by Pliiev, who scored the first goal of the match. This was what the Tigers needed, especially for their morale.

The Tigers kept moving up on the sides and scored another 4 goals. The fans finally got their chance at partying. This victory gave Tadjikistan the 3rd place in the Group, 3 points higher then Haperd but still 1 point less then Cristilakere. The Tigers' next match against Spurland had to be won, if the Tigers want to qualify or even keep up with Cristylakere. The Tigers must take their faith in their own hands, they cannot win by hoping the others will lose.

Goals:
Pliiev 32"(0-1) Suvorov 41"(0-2) Gromov 50"(0-3) Rokossovskij 55"(0-4) Suvorov 70"(0-5)

Topscorers
1.Suvorov 3
2.Cherniakhovskij 2
-.Pliiev 2


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 15 5 0 0 20: 2 18
2. Crystilakere 10 3 1 1 8: 5 3
3. Tadjikistan 9 3 0 2 11: 7 4
4. Haperd 6 2 0 3 8:14 -6
5. Spurland 2 0 2 3 8:16 -8
6. Loonyvania 1 0 1 4 2:13 -11


MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest L 0-3
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere L 0-1
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan W 0-5
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

AMAZING NEWS

With the baseball season well underway the number one team is giving her fans a mediocre season. "We have a young team who need to develop first." General Manager R. Rabbit said in a short statement.

Although the icehockey season isn't due to start for a while longer, the whole country is buzzing with news and trades. Many players looking for a new team, many teams looking to sign players.

In football, the national team of Dennisov seems to be getting along quite nicely as well. with 8 points from 5 games the team seems to be settling in quite well in Region 1. With big teams like Gesamtkuntswerk and Kaze Progressa, qualification will be hard work, but that's always been the case.
We shall try and give the readers of this paper an idea what football used to mean and what it does mean in some of the other countries around the world.
We'll start with introducing this year's team which you can find elsewhere in this edition.

The Daily Druid

DRUIDS HIT THE HIGH NOTES
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on Avenging Altos 0 NEWI Cefn Druids 4

Is it me, or is playing away the new playing at home for the Druids? So far, they've only won their home games by a margin of one, yet all their away games result in a four goal difference. OK, so it won't happen when we go to Eauz, but it happened for the third time here today.

Two for Trevor Belmore, the almost customary Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po goal and an absolute screamer from substitute Mo Leicester sealed an easy win. However, the only downer for the Druids is that Trevor Welsh, son of the late Tim Welsh (who's killer still remains unfound, by the way) picked up an ear injury when forced to listen to one of the squealing Altos. He will be out for at least two games, but it could end up as more, because many people in the know in Druid football think that Leicester could end up the best defensive midfielder in the region, and even one of the World's best. I wouldn't argue with him if he said it to me, not if I wanted to live.

Final Score:
Avenging Altos 0
NEWI Cefn Druids 4


Matches so far...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids 1-0 Eauz
Matchday 3: Nominaen 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids 3-2 Creedence Cleawater
Matchday 5: Avenging Altos 0-4 NEWI Cefn Druids

...top scorers...

[8] Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po
[6] Trevor Belmore,
[1] Bill Posters, Horace Orange, Trevor Law, Maurice "Mo" Leicester

...and still to come

Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids v Ebon Hawk
Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.


[b]VILITAN EXILES LOOK INTERNATIONAL CLASS
By Ian-Question-Mark

NCD Conference side Vilitan Exiles, a team completely made up of Vilitans and Turorians living in NEWI Cefn Druids, have offered to try to help the Turori Eels in their current player crisis. The Exiles, who are looking good for promotion to the Druid Premier League, have regular first-teamers Martika Ecspo, a centre-back, left midfielder Tika Poloni and right-sided midfielder or defender Rikko Ambama from Turori, plus reserve goalkeeper Trevor Ugnata is half-Turorian, half-Druid, and is also eligible. Whether or not the FAT consider the exiles players good enough is open for questioning, but considering their team's strong season to date, they must be up for consideration at the very least.

Ineptia run finally halted by resilient Hurricanes.

The shock troops of group 4 were finally stopped to-day, but it took a great performance and a last minute strike from Ya to finally bow the heads of the host side.

A tight first half was almost the opposite of the previous game, with the battle raging in midfield there was little goalmouth excitment for the fans. Fleetfoot only had one save of note, having to scramble across his goal to touch a #10 shot round the post. At the other end it was much the same story. Of the 3 Hurricane strikers, only Ze Bulliao managed to have a strike on target, and that was from 35 yards out causing the keeper little bother.

The tide was slowly turning for the Hurricanes though, as the Ineptia fans, gorged on their recent success, became restless at their sides lack of opportunities. Indeed sections of the crowd were booing as the sides headed down the tunnel at the break.

Mitchell must have used this in his half-time talk, as the players came out for the second half looking more determined. The passing and movement were quicker and slicker as the Hurricanes began to look like a top rated side.

Eventually the breakthrough came. A goal kick was headed back to Bell by Ya. The Hurricanes captain immediatly played the ball between the two centre backs, and Ze Bulliao charged onto it. The Ineptia keeper came racing out, but was beaten to the ball. Ze Bulliao just managed to keep his footing and was able to turn it into the unguarded net from a tight angle.

Being just 25 minutes from losing their unbeaten record seemed to fire up the hosts and they pressed for an equaliser. Somehow all Halfassed confidence dissappeared and last gasp defense became the order of the day. With just seconds left, a long clearance by Normandy landed at Ya's feet. The striker spun and raced through with the #3 trying to cover back. Just as the defender shaped to takcle, Ya thumped in a shot that rattled off the crossbar and bounced down into the goal. The silence from the majority of the stadium almost drowned out the cheering of the 500 Hurricanes fans who hadmade the trip.

With Bedistan and Aquilla both winning, the group picture has changed somewhat. Halfassed head Ineptia on GD, while the Lions are 3 back on 9pts, with Aquilla waiting in the wings on 7. At the mid-point of this event, it is clear nothing is decided, but any slip-ups are likly to be heavily punished from here on in!

Spurland Loose Again

Spurland lost for the third time this qualifying campaign and this time was the worst of the lot. In all the previous games, Spurland managed to score atleast one goal, but this was stopped by The Eagles Nest who put five past Spurland without reply.

A loss was largely expected, facing a team more that is a hundred places above them in the ranking scales and one of the favourites.

Horace was the matches top scorer with a hattrick, scoring in the 7th, 8th and 81st minutes. TEN head the groub, winning all of their matches so far.

Spurland are now effectively out of the running to qualify for the world cup and will just make up the numbers, posibly upseting a few teams on the way. But this is unlikely based on the results so far.

The manager of the Spurland team refused to answer questions and headed straight to his hotel room and took the first flight back home. While the rest of the team were just happy to face a team like TEN and went to do some shopping.

Spurland face Tadjikistan away from home in their next game.


Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts
1 The Eagles Nest 5 5 0 0 20 2 18 15
2 Crystilakere 5 3 1 1 8 5 3 10
3 Tadjikistan 5 3 0 2 11 7 4 9
4 Haperd 5 2 0 3 8 14 -6 6
5 Spurland 5 0 2 3 8 16 -8 2
6 Loonyvania 5 0 1 4 2 13 -11 1


Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan L 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland D 1-1
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd L 2-4
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania D 2-2
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland L 5-0
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

LIGHTNING OVERTURN OAKER ON THE ROAD
Solid performance keeps Svecia unbeaten against Oaker

Oaker 1 Svecia 2

OAKER - For the third time in as many games Hanan Belagt put a dagger through the Oaker hearts. It was his goals in the WCXV Cup of Harmony that gave Svecia two 1-0 victories over a relentless defense, and it was his 71st minute goal yesterday that gave the Lightning a very important road win.

A ground cross from Mikael Solskjaer into the area for Benelux Maalerski was partially blocked but fell right to Belagt as Svecia attacked in the last twenty minutes of the match. Belagt took the ball with his right knee, juggled the ball over an Oaker defender and then volleyed the ball on goal. The keeper managed to get a hand up in time, but the ball was kicked too hard and it careemed into the top of the net.

Just before that goal, Oaker had tied the game up on a Flash Oaker finish. In the 67th minute, A through ball from Pond Oaker send Flash streaking past a bewildered Karl Mayha, and set Flash up with a one-on-one with Piet van Meer. The Oaker striker sidestepped around van Meer and nudged the ball across the line, just centimeters from a sliding Tomas Kristiansand who had sprinted back.

The Oaker stadium was deafening as it seemed Oaker might pull out a victory now that the score was tied again. But a Pond Oaker shot just two minutes after the goal screamed just over the bar after van Meer was beaten by the shot.

Svecia got on the board first and silenced the home crowd in the 44th minute. Midfielder Sven Laursen escaped from his marker on a corner kick and headed the ball into the top corner of the net and over a defender at the post giving the Lightning a much needed away lead.

Oaker and Svecia both had numerous chances to score throughout the match, as play was very open and shifted from one side of the field to the other almost every possession.

This was the kind of match that voetbal coaches love to show their players to teach them about attacking voetbal.

The Oaker matches are turning into a sort of rivalry just as the Melmond matches have, and a turnout is expected for the Oaker match in Vilämna that nearly equals the Melmond turnout.

We Just Can't Win
Oh well, At Least We Have the Harmony Cup

STARBLAYDIA
----------------------------------------------------
| | |Da Silva| | |
| | ---------- | |
| R Cole Martin---------P Cole Garry |
| Carter |
| Benson Haldorsson |
| de Souza Lima |
| di Bradini Laser |
|--------------------------------------------------|
| S Einarsson Stone Peterson |
| |
| Underwood E Einarsson Chapman |
| |
| P Stonelover Rogers-----Spearthrower Gunter |
| | -------- | |
| | |Roberts| | |
----------------------------------------------------
COCKBILL STREET

STARBLAYDIA 2 (Benson 47, R Cole 83)
COCKBILL STREET 2 (Peterson 32, Howard 89)

Substitutions: Starblaydia: Brown for Martin 68, Matranga for de Souza Lima 68. Cockbill Street: Howard for Chapman 55, S Stonelover for S Einarsson 61, Stubbings for Gunter 81.

Bookings: Carter, Martin, P Cole (Starblaydia); Stone, S Stonelover, P Stonelover (Cockbill Street)

Olaf Iskalt was yesterday put into even more trouble as Cockbill Street played a dismal 2-2 draw with the Starblaydians. A disappointing performance from the whole team throughout, from the keeper to the forwards, led to the Starblaydis grabbing a 2-1 lead through right-back Rob Cole with seven minutes to spare. However, Johnny Howard somehow managed to get a touch to a cross from the right, shooting (well, not actually shooting...it wasn't hard enough for that) from twenty-five yards, as the ball bounced off a defender, the post, and in.

No Cockbill Street player was available for comment, however the zeppelin pilot, Alan Belmore, was available. He had watched the whole match from his position about half a mile above the ground, and was thoroughly disappointed.

"The Streeters didn't play well at all," he said. "I mean, 2-2 against Starblaydia, how awful is that! I could see it with my own eyes...that little red dot they've got, what's his name, he was too damn good. We gotta sack someone now...Stone is crap, so is Stonelover, and Einarsson, and the ruddy lot of those lawn ornaments who're playing for the Street. They should go out, the lot of them, they're all chokers!"

Region 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 13 4 1 0 12: 3 9
2. Nikea 11 3 2 0 6: 2 4
3. KRYTENIA 9 3 0 2 12: 5 7
4. NASTIC 2 7 2 1 2 11: 6 5
5. The Water Cooler* 0 1 0 4 2:13 -11
6. The Gulf States 0 0 0 5 1:15 -14
(*The Water Cooler recieved a three points peanlty for forfeiting 1 match.)

We're halfway through the qualifiers, let's have a look at how each of the teams are getting on.

Squornshelous
They are playing simple and effective football, and this has seen them undefeated and top. Prediction: 1st

Nikea
Look tentative and unimpressive against the higher teams, but have snatched results. Need to be careful in the return games - final match against Krytenia may be decider. Prediction: 3rd

Krytenia
Good blend of youthful exuberance and experienced caution. Game against NASTIC II vital. Prediction: 2nd

Nastic II
Disappointing. Dropping points left, right and centre - must do better. Prediction: 4th

The Water Cooler
Took their ball and went home. Won't be missed. Prediction: 6th

The Gulf States
Inexperienced and out of sorts. Will be back, and hopefully will learn some lessons and come back stronger at WC17. Prediction: 5th

!URGENT :: Turori FA Searches for More Players!

Turori FA Press Release, Almintora Turori
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The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Talent looks elsewhere
Young players in the Bureaucratic States look to sell their talent outside the country

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- World Cup 16 has seen a less than spectacular run from the Oglethorpian national squad; and hopes for the Pancrazio Black-led side are more dismal than ever after the team failed to match the revered-Wonderteam winning record of three matches. Henry Louis-Charleston White, Oglethorpian keeper was so mad at the play against EL CID THE HERO on matchday 4 that he walked off the pitch.

Enter White's younger brother -- Aaron White, the product of a long distance Turoran relationship. After Henry's father left the marriage to go work in the great coal mines of Kingsford, his mother participated in an around-the-world sperm donation program, and the product was the younger brother Aaron White.

Only recently was it discovered the boy was half Turorian, and also willing to switch alleigance and play for Turori.

"They've got a better squad than this place, that's for sure," commented the younger-White to Tribune reporters. "At least there, my talent may be put to some use."

"That's a good one, 'talent,'" said Henry Louis-Charleston White, with a sour look on his face. "That kid's got no talent, and no spine, either. Playin' for some little island in the middle of nowhere. It's called a slump; Oglethorpia'll be better. Maybe. In three or four decades. He'll regret that."

"I don't think i'll regret this at all," Aaron White said.

The younger-White brother has his eyes on the same position as his elder-brother's; prospective goalkeeper for Turori's side.

"I hope he falls down a flight of stairs," said Louis-Charleston White as his parting words. "Or some other misfortune. We may suck -- but the least you can do is suck with your home country."

*we are wandering though the empty halls of the snub nose 38 ministry of athletics, olympics, and alcoholic beverages. we've gone past offices labeled "minister", "deputy minister", "vice deputy third ministers assistant for beverage bottle caps" - you name it - all vacant. we thought someone was in the office labeled only "margaret", but on further inspection the only thing we found was a small leather pouch with an eagle feather tied to it by a silver string hanging over the edge of the desk, being blown about a little by an electric fan. we continue walking, and come to an office labeled "ministry press secretary". just inside the door, we see a corkboard with news articles pinned to it. we slip in quietly, and read this article, carefully clipped from "the remington county record" several weeks ago...*

Hooligans Drawn into Group 3

World Cup 16 Qualification Groups were drawn today, with the national side of the Frost-Free Borderlands of Snub Nose 38, the Hooligans, being drawn into Group 3. The Hooligans are the top ranked side in Group 3 at 12th in the world. This gives them a decided edge in the competion to move on to the actual World Cup Tournament by ending qualification as one of the top two sides in the group. Group 3 looks like this:

Snub Nose 38 Hooligans (12)
Svecia (28)
Melmond (41)
Oaker (59)
HypercapitaliZm (156)
Cirdanistan (200)

*below this article we find another that appears to have been hastily torn from yesterday's "scuttlebut", which reads...*

...ligans of Yesteryear?

Do you remember when it was a proud thing to be a Hooligan supporter? Do you remember when the Hooligans were winners? Do you know what's happened to them? Because no one at the Ministry of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages has an answer to ANY of these questions, or to any other I posed to them. All I got was a lot of "no comment"s - most of which were thrown at me over the shoulder of someone leaving the ministry building carting with them what looked like all their personal belongings.

What's going on?

Look at the record the Hooligans have...acquired...half way through qualification:

Matchday 1: Cirdistan 0, Snub Nose 38 5
Matchday 2: Svecic 1, Snub Nose 38 0
Matchday 3: Snub Nose 38 0, Melmond 1
Matchday 4: Oaker 1, Snub Nose 38 0
Matchday 5: Snub Nose 38 1, HypercapitaliZm 2

The first question that comes to mind is, "How did they manage to beat Cirdistan?" This is a pathetic squad - they managed to achieve ONE goal in their last four matches.

Well, we tried to get some insight from the coaching staff - but the coaching staff is nowhere to be found. We tried to get an interview with the manager - who appears to be with the coaching staff, where ever they are. We decided to go right to the top, but found the "top" - the Minister of Athletics, Olympics, and Alcoholic Beverages, has been noticably absent since it was discovered he had released his entire squad just prior to the beginning of qualification for World Cup 16.

We're sorry, dear reader, but we have no answers for you. All we have are questions. If we can corner anyone from the ministry long enough to badger them into any kind of an answer, we will pass that along. For now...well, for now let's all start thinking about World Cup 17. Because, as we look at the current standings in Group 3, it doesn't take a Brain Surgeon to notice that the Hooligans have about a snowball's chance in...well, they're just not likely to qualify, folks.

*and to the right of that, the following...*

The Ministry of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids is pleased to provide the following

Region 3 Pts W D L GF:GA GD Max
1. Svecia 15 5 0 0 11: 4 7 30
2. Oaker 12 4 0 1 11: 4 7 27
3. Melmond 7 2 1 2 8: 8 0 22
4. HypercapitaliZm 6 2 0 3 7: 9 -2 21
5. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 4 7: 6 1 18
6. Cirdanistan 1 0 1 4 2:15 –13 16


GO HOOLIGANS!!

*and, scrawled in pencil at the bottom of that...*

But don't let anybody know where you've gone...

*after a few moments of reflection, we continue on our way. we doubt if we'll find anyone, and decide to give it about another 30 minutes, and then we're off to the pub.*

Squornshelous Records "Win"

Squornshelous posted a win against The Water Cooler, who have quit this cup (right?). So at the end of the first half of qualifying, Squornshelous sits two points ahead of it's nearest rival, with our next match against The GUlf States, who are still pointless. This bodes well for our chances of qualifying, as does a gaurunteed win on our last matchday. We will have to win at least two of the three other games to seal it.

Final Score:
Squornshelous 3-0 The Water Cooler

Scoring Summary:
SQ: Keiths [31]
SQ: Rutter [40]
SQ: Grigoriev [76]

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Jones: 4
Kieths: 3
Rutter: 3
Grigoriev: 2

Group 12 Standings after Matchday 5:
Rnk Team Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 13 4 1 0 12: 3 9
2. Nikea 11 3 2 0 6: 2 4
3. Krytenia 9 3 0 2 12: 5 7
4. NASTIC 2 7 2 1 2 11: 6 5
-. The Water Cooler 0 1 0 4 2:13 -11
5. The Gulf States 0 0 0 5 1:15 -14

For predictions about the final standings of Group 12, we went to an SMV auto assembly plant in Xaxia, Squornshelous and spoke to Grady Johnson, a pipe welder adn self-acclaimed psychic. His views were as follows:

Squornshelous: The way we're playin' 'bout now, I don' think there's no-one can catch us. We'll finish up with all 28 points in first place.

Nikea: They're doin okay. They got to win some more games though. At least they draw tough matches instead o' losin'. Probly get about 21 points. 2nd.

Krytenia: Yeah, they're pretty good. Might do okay, but they gotta learn to draw instead of lose. That's why they're behind. I saw they'll have, maybe 19 points. Third Place.

NASTIC 2: Not doin' so hot. They're havin trouble against stronger teams. Gotta beat Krytenia an' Nikea to move on. Probly get 14 points, 4th place.

The Gulf States: They're goin' through Noob-itis. They just gotta stick around an' get some experience. This isn't their year, but look at teams like Vilita and NEWI, they ain't more than a few cups old. Just keep at it. They'll have 3 points, 5th place.

The Water Cooler: They quit. Quitters never win an' winners never quit. Pansies. 0 Points 6th place.

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Vilita [1]-[0] The Redavic Union
..................[ Vella 9 ]

Metro Centre, Metrovella, The Redavic Union
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..........A Rejuvinated Jim Vella scored his second goal in as many games to give the Jungle Cats an important victory over the Redavic Union, which leap frogs them over TRU into second place in the Group 6 table. Defender Jaloey Afrikka missed out on the squad for the first time since the start of the World Cup 16 Qualifiers as he picked up a hamstring injury in the 3-0 Victory over Raptor Claw that he was unable to shake off in time. Danilo Liguori Returned to the Lineup in his place. Alexander Östling and Jonathon Baledrokadroka returned to central and right midfield respectively. Prior to the match, a special celebration was held to mark the first visit of a Vilitan sporting team to the Redavic Union, and there were fireworks too. Soon after, the match started and each team looked determined to take points from the other in this crucial match with heavy qualification implications.

..........Vella got the job done early, inside 10 minutes when Jürgen Ramzi strayed into an uncharacteristically attacking position. Ramzi's superior ball skills dished away his marker and allowed Ramzi to find a wide open Vella inside the 6 yard box, where the Redavic keeper had nothing but to watch as the Marine Coast United striker put his team 1-0 up. Vella would have a chance to double his teams lead just 5 minutes later, but his header off Santo Kecker's corner kick was tipped over the bar by the Redavic Keeper.

..........From there the Jungle Cats defended well, but never looked the Attacking threat that opened the game, and put 7 goals past Hazlia and Raptor Claw. Massimo Corsi had just one save to make at the other end, the Redavic Union winning a free kick 25 yards out which Corsi cooly collected and sent back up the field. The Redavic Union made one substitution 5 minutes from the half. The substituted player did not look injured, and it is unknown why the home side's player exited the game.

..........The second half was no less eventful than the latter of the first, with only two potential scoring opportunities, both of which were broken up before the ball even reached the goalkeeper. Lorenzo Mumamba was rewarded for his performance against Raptor Claw by Coming on as a 70th minute substitute in Midfield, replacing Tivali City teammate Alexander Östling. Callum Banda, trying to gain full fitness after an Ankle Injury against Raptor Claw, also came on, Replacing Germán Salomón up front. 5 minutes later, it was Christian Dogbé who got a potential bow out performance on his Senior International Career, getting a final 15 minutes of fame by Replacing Jonathon Baledrokadroka before returning to Vilita to meet up with the Regional Squad preparing for the AOCAF Regional Championships.

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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Massimo Corsi, [D] Giacomo Adika, [D] Enzo Ahat, [D] Danilo Liguori, [DM] Jürgen Ramzi, [M] Santo Kecker, [M] Alexander Östling, [M] Jonathon Baledrokadroka, [M] Umberto Melli, [F] Germán Salomón, [F] Jim Vella
BENCH::
[F] Callum Banda, [F] Lorenzo Mumamba, [M] Christian Dogbé, [M] Marasent Sioane, [U] Jonathon Stott, [D] Esemar Aliana, [GK] Jimmy Kater


Redavic Shootout Awaits Jungle Cats
Dark Arts & Prophecies Department, Rammsissil, Vilita::
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..........Following the 1-0 victory over the Redavic Union, The Vilita Jungle Cats find themselves back in the race for qualification from WC16Q Group 6. Earlier claims from an unknown source that the Vilita National team had already been eliminated were refuted by Starblaydian Mathmaticians. Too bad they can't ref games, then they'd be all set (Turori 0-3 Kingsford). Despite pre-competition Analysis, it is now apparent that the Jungle Cats biggest foe in the way of World Cup qualification will be the Redavic Union. The Never participant side have been around for many cups and have the experience necessary to pull out the results they need to set up a one off shootout for qualification at The Shultis in Lonngeylin, Vilita on matchday 10.
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Melli Opens Zucchini Account
FA of Giant Zucchini Press Release, Tonka, Giant Zucchini::
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..........Vilitan Senior International midfielder Umberto Melli grabbed his first two goals in the Giant Zucchini Premiere League recently in Tonka City's 2-4 Defeat to Dankeschoen F.C.. Tonka City, who currently sit bottom of the GZPL table after being promoted this season, signed Melli on a seasons-long loan for Strike FC in Lonngeylin, Vilita. Melli followed the lead of Massimo Corsi, who signed for Giant Zucchini Premiere League side Arkanoid FC, although on a permanent basis from Yeaddin Owls. Arkanoid's first matchup with Tonka City ended in a 4-0 Victory for Corsi's side, also marking Corsi's first clean sheet in the GZPL.



Kater Handed Starting Role for Hazlia
Vilita Teamsheet vs. Hazlia
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........Tivali City's 17 year old Goalkeeper Jimmy Kater is poised to make his second career Senior International start in the Jungle Cats upcoming match against Hazlia. Kater made it through all 90 minutes of his Adrasuvare Debut without conceding a goal, and will look to do the same against Hazlia at the National View Stadium in Morata Valley, Vilita. Jaloey Afrikka returns in defense in place of Danilo Liguori, while a rare Vilitan sight with two defenders on the bench in Emarka Laniora and Matteo Ollirg. Jonathon Stott and Calaesa Mitaroka return to midfield as Captain Santo Kecker hands over the armband to former Marine Coast United teammate Jürgen Ramzi. Lorenzo Mumamba is a shock starter up front, partnering Callum Banda, possibly a late injury to recent Hot-Shot Jim Vella.

Goalkeepers :: Jimmy Kater & Massimo Corsi
Defenders :: Giacomo Adika, Enzo Ahat, Jaloey Afrikka, Emarka Laniora & Matteo Ollirg
Midfielders :: Jürgen Ramzi, Alexander Östling, Jonathon Stott, Calaesa Mitaroka, Jonathon Baledrokadroka, Umberto Melli & Santo Kecker
Forwards :: Lorenzo Mumamba, Callum Banda, Germán Salomón & Jim Vella


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Matches & Venues:
M01: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [2] - [3] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [0] - [0] Adrasuvare
M04: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [3] - [0] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [1] - [0] The Redavic Union
M06: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

The Ministry of Statistics, Other Totally Useless Information, and Band Aids is pleased to provide the following

Region 3 Pts W D L GF:GA GD Max
1. Svecia 15 5 0 0 11: 4 7 30
2. Oaker 12 4 0 1 11: 4 7 27
3. Melmond 7 2 1 2 8: 8 0 22
4. HypercapitaliZm 6 2 0 3 7: 9 -2 21
5. Snub Nose 38 3 1 0 4 7: 6 1 18
6. Cirdanistan 1 0 1 4 2:15 –13 16




BREAKING NEWS!

Squornshelan Scientists Identify Unique Virus

The Squornshelan Ministry of Science, Research and Farts has recently identified a virus from blood samples given by the memebers of the Squornshelan World Cup 14 team at that time. It has been named Favoritus Nonqualifator and is believed to be responsible for the appalling performance of our team that year. What the virus does is read brainwaves of people passing by it to find out which team is favored to win in a group. It then seeks out the players of that team and destroys their abilities temporarily, resulting in horrible play. The virus has a dormant gestation period of roughly eight years, so any teams that had contact with the World Cup 14 team are warned. We are currently working on finding a vaccine for the virus, but it is not going well, as some of the scientists have contracted it, and are consequently becoming very inept.

On a related note, it is belived that several members of the Squornshelan team were out drinking in a pub after their elimination from World Up 14, when they were taunted by certain members of the Snub Nose 38 locker room staff, resulting in a fight. Said staff members are warned that it is possible that they became carriers of dormant specimens of the virus.


Commiserations.

Recently, The Gulf States have lost a few more games in the 16th World Cup of International Football. They are 0-5-0, and have only scored one goal, allowing 16.

The national team recently held a press conference in Lexington about the team's poor play. However, when asked about the poor play - the head coach of the team tried to divert all of the attention on the fact we're a new team and playing harder competition.

Details on the questions comes as we get information.

(OOC: I got work, this is a quickie setup for when I get more time)

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Virus Rumored to Affect Lions' Performance
Squornshelous' WC15 squad blamed

COLUMBIA, FD -- Researchers at the East Columbia School of Medicine think they have finally figured out what is wrong with this year's Bedistan national football team.

A recent article in a Squornshelous newspaper seems to indicate that the Snub Nose 38 Hooligans, favorites to qualify from their group but instead somehow in fifth place on 3 points, may have contracted a virus from the Squornshelan World Cup 14 squad that searches for favored teams in a group and sabotages their performance. Now of course, all the players on the Bedistani squad are participating in their first Cup and therefore never had contact with Squornshelous' team from eight years ago. However, some of the team staff still survives from WC15, when Squornshelous knocked us out of competition in the quarterfinals. It is rumored that the Lions' staff may have interacted with Squornshelan staff that had been around for WC14 and that this staff has now passed the virus on to our current squad. The similarities between our case and that of the Hooligans are striking:

SN38 Bedistan
Matchday 1 W 5-0 W 7-0
Matchday 2 L 1-0 W 4-3
Matchday 3 L 1-0 L 2-0
Matchday 4 L 1-0 L 2-0
Matchday 5 L 2-1 W 4-1

Luckily, our team's case does not look to be quite as severe as the Hooligans', possibly due to the very indirect contact. However, in both cases, the team went from utterly dominating to being defeated by teams that most certainly should not have defeated them (Aquilla and even Ineptia in our case). It is possible that the Lions are recovering, having beaten Anitram 4-1 at Holmes Stadium, but we will continue to monitor this story.

The Lions are currently in a disappointing third place on nine points, and we're already at the halfway mark. The next match is at home against ASSKICKEN, and it is rumored that manager Brandon Barton faces immediate termination if we fail to win.

BREAKING NEWS!

Squornshelan Scietnists Identify Unique Virus

a lot of funny stuff in here


Commiserations.
LOL!

Oaker Sharks

Stadium: Pinealla International Stadium

Roster:

Martin Oaker (GK), Carrin Oaker (GK), Stef Oaker (D), Gray Oaker (D), Todd Oaker (D), Lenny Oaker (D), Tabby Oaker (D), Scott Oaker (M) Freddy Oaker (M), Sport Oaker (M), Venus Oaker (M), Arthin Oaker (M), Kelvin Oaker (M), Vincey Oaker (M), Flash Oaker (F), Tip Oaker (F), Cats Oaker (F), Pond Oaker (F)


Oaker 1 Svecia 2


Oaker's perfect record was thrown out by a defeat at new rivals Svecia. For the third straight time against Svecia, the sharks lost by one single goal.

It was almost 0-0 at half time but the Svecian midfielder scored on a header off a Corner Kick just before the ref blew his whistle so the Sharks were down 1-0 with 45 minutes to play.

Flash Oaker then showed why he is good in the 67th minute after a perfect set up by Pond Oaker. Flash beat out several Svecia Defenders and flicked the ball carelessly over the goal line to even the scores.

However it was all ruined just minutes later after Tabby Oaker screwed up and some guy named Hanan Belagt took advantage to score for Svecia to make it 2-1. The Oaker Fans cheered their team on, but they would still lose unfortunately, not only the game, but also first place in the group.

Flash's 8 goals in 5 qualifying matches lead all Sharks, and he has continued his streak of scoring in every match so far in the world cup.


Headlines

Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have continued, and orders have now come in from The Lowland Clans in addition to Sarzonia, Iansisle, Oglethorpia and Melmond. Melmond fans have already begun burning Flash's uniform, and it is expected that more will be ordered for the pre-match burning on matchday 6.

The Real-Life Flash Oaker is still competing on the new local reality show "Oaker Stars take a Bath" where local celebrities are all thrown naked into a hot tub, and longer they last in the tub, the more objects will be thrown into the tub, from flying fish to purple skin die, which does not wash off, but does wear off after approximately 5 weeks of natural exposure. The last celebrity in the tub wins Ox/10.000.000 for a charity of their choice.

The second Celebrity to exit the hot tub was Beethovia Oaker. The Oakerap star apparently saw a "*$*&^$ West *&%@*& Coast *&^*!& *&%^*&%@ Man *&%*@&%* *@&%*@ *&%@*^% *&%*@*&% (*%@*@&@ Dammmmn" and hopped out of the tub to chase him. So much for improving your image.

Bulzyit Oaker, the Newscaster from Channel 0 was the first to exit after apparantly overhearing some hot gossip betwen two actresses and did not care enough about the charity to stay and win money for them, but just wanted to produce a news story. stupid reporters.




Thats all from Oaker today, tune in tomorrow for a report on the match against Melmond!

Le LIBRE

Victory for Les Bleus keeps them in the hunt

Half way through the qualifying round and Les Bleus look to be in good shape. Their final match of this round found them at home against the Ebon Hawks who have had trouble in this group of teams only receiving 1 point out of the 4 matches. With a weak team in their hands, Les Bleus were looking to capitalize and get another victory.

In the first half, Les Bleus took control early as they were in the opponent’s zone for the majority of the first 15 minutes. Off of a corner kick Joseuf headed the ball into the net at the 8th minute putting Les Bleus up early. A few minutes later off of the momentum of scoring the first goal, Joseuf passed the weak defense putting in another goal as Les Bleus went up big time early 2 – 0. As for Rousoi it was a lazy first half as he only had to block 2 shots out of a total of 3 by the Hawks. For the fans of Les Bleus, it was nice to see their team actually winning and in fashion. The first half ended with Les Bleus up by a 2 – 0 lead.

Queue the comeback right? Not, Les Bleus used the early 2 – 0 lead to play defence and they played it well. With mainly Joseuf and 2 mid-fielders the rest of the team stayed back to ensure that Les Bleus would have a victory. By the 84th minute, the coach believed it was safe enough to sub in a few players who don’t get as much playing time. Unfortunately the subs were a bit rusty as during the 88th minute of play, an Ebon forward who had been rejected most of the day, got through the defence. Rousoi challenged him, only be tricked as the forward sent the ball sailing into the top left corner. Rousoi was mad at the fact that such a weak goal as that was let in. The match though was in the hands of Les Bleus as they snuck away with a 2 – 1 victory which should have been easier for them.

Half way through the qualifying round, Les Bleus are in good position to advance, but were expecting to be in first by this time. With rival NEWI in first, Les Bleus will be looking for them to collapse in the second half as Les Bleus will play them in the second half at Le Stade d’Eauz. Playing well with each other, expect for a better record in the second half for Les Bleus.


Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. NEWI Cefn Druids 15 5 0 0 18: 4 14
2. Eauz 10 3 1 1 13: 4 9
3. Creedence Clearwater 10 3 1 1 8: 5 3
4. Avenging Altos 4 1 1 3 6:12 -6
5. Nominaen 3 1 0 4 2:14 -12
6. Ebon Hawk 1 0 1 4 4:12 -8



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 6 – 0
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids L 0 – 1
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 0 – 0
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos W 5 – 2
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz W 1 – 2

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Ebon Hawks

The Sarzonian national team missed out on an opportunity to put some distance between themselves and fellow first place side Lovisa by drawing Jeruselem 1-1 away.

Midfielder Jeff Conley scored a goal on a surprise free kick in the 18th minute but committed a costly foul in the penalty area in the 33rd minute. The ensuing penalty drew the match level and despite intense pressure from the Stars, they couldn't dent the net any further.

"We had a golden opportunity," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "However, we just couldn't take advantage of our chances. Give them credit, though. They battled. If we get one more goal, they might be too far behind."

With four matches left to play, the Stars and Lovisa are level in the Group 9 standings with 12 points each. Tanah Burung moved into third place to themselves with a convincing 4-1 win over Minas Trith. The group's top seeds entering the qualifying tournament have 10 points. Jeruselem is in fourth with eight points. New Cyprus earned their first point by drawing Lovisa 0-0.

"We really dodged a bullet there," defender Mike Coyle said. "We drew 1-1 on the road against a team ranked 41st in the world. Going against a side ranked 194th in the world at home, perhaps Lovisa's more disappointed than we are."

"We can't worry about scoreboard watching," goalkeeper Troy Perkins said. "We've got to take care of business if we want to advance to the next round. Our next two matches give us our best chance to help ourselves."


Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 12 3 3 0 12: 6 6
2. Lovisa 12 3 3 0 9: 3 6
3. Tanah Burung 10 3 1 2 8: 5 3
4. Jeruselem 8 2 2 2 7: 6 1
5. Minas Trith 5 1 2 3 6:10 -4
6. New Cyprus 1 0 1 5 3:15 -12

Turnia City Tribune

Associated Press

World Cup 16 Qualifiers

After 6 games the Dragons have played to a 3-1-2 record and currently sit in 3rd place in Group 10, by virtue of goal differencial. Two early losses have taken the fans by suprise, but not the team, "Yeah, we had a bit of a letdown after some big early wins. The lads know better, we all know better. All in all we are still a young squad, but learning every single game what it takes to be champions" said head coach Paul Odle.

It is still early days yet, with many more challenges to come. If there is one thing the Turnian National Team has done is to learn on the fly since their inception. HC Odle has proven to be a worthy teacher and the players respect him. We as fans grow as does our team.

AP

To revive a popular segment from World Cups past, it's...
Interesting News From Around The World!

From Oaker:
FOAKER FEVER: JERSEYS IN HIGH DEMAND!
National Team Star Forward Flash Oaker's Jersey sales have reached the highest recorded in country history, and have gone international. Apparently, Foaker Fever has hit The Lowland Clans, Sarzonia, Iansisle, Oglethorpia and Melmond. Since the better Foaker was unavailable for comment (Apparently, he is without his trademark Foaker jersey, and instead is purple) we spoke with the next best thing, midfielder Freddy Oaker.

"I don't know what's so great about _his_ jersey. Mine says F. Oaker too. But I guess people like "FOAKER" over 17 instead of 69." Commented a distressed Freddy, who, while wearing his jersey during the interview, was asked 4 times if he was wearing Foaker's old number.

Foaker Feaver has hit the world by storm. While sales continue to rise here in Oaker, expect figures to be on the move soon from the "Foaker Fever" marketing campaigns in Bedistan, Eauz, Kingsford, Snub Nose 38, Commerce Heights, and Total n Utter Insanity.

-----

From Squornshelous:
Favoritus Nonqualifator: STD? VTD?

Recent independent studies have shown the newly found disease in the poorly performing Snub Nose 38 Hooligans is most likely some sort of transmitted disease. At first, there were speculations of a sexually transmitted disease, just because STD is a fun thing to say, but this theory was quickly shot down.

"Yeah, I think we just wanted to say STD. I don't really know why." Said Marcus Ypsilanti, head researcher at I Can't Believe It's Not Laboratories, Ltd. "But with comparison and studies of the disease "Verbal Gonorrhea", contracted by Spaam from The Belmore Family a few years back, I realized that Favoritus Nonqualifator was in fact, a Verbally Transmitted Disease."

Verbally Transmitted Diseases have become increasingly recognized. Since the finding of the first case of Verbal Gonorrhea in Spaam, the amount of VTDs has doubled. Favoritus Nonqualifator has appeared to have been transmitted to Snub Nose 38 from either Bedistan or Squornshelous. Bedistan appears the likely choice, and we believe the disease to have been contracted just post Matchday 1, however it seems to be still lingering in the Bedistani Lions, but in a lesser case.

"This is a very new disease." said Ypsilanti. "We don't know much yet, so we can't do much to cure it."

Historians have found a link to some of the symptoms of this disease with an ancient myth found on the cave paintings and animal hides of the native Snubian Indians. The remedy they suggest is to sacrifice a deboned chicken to some female diety, possibly bearing a name, in the Snubian Indian, "Marganit."

"Yeah, sure, go sacrifice to Margaret. That might help. What would I know, I'm not a _real_ Scientist. I mean, can you leave that last bit out? Thanks." Remarked Ypsilanti.

-----

Compiled by The Alotion Star and The Daily Byran Newspapers of Kingsford

Update on Liverpool England Progress
MD1: W2-0 Johhny Big Pants [Scorer: Alphonso (2)]
MD2: W2-0 Spaam [Scorers: Jorgen, Granigen]
MD3: D2-2 The Weegies [Scorers: TWG og, Johnson]
MD4: D1-1 Lykaia [Scorer: Boneham]
MD5: W2-0 Northbank [Scorer: Granigen (2)]
MD6: W1-0 Johhny Big Pants [Scorer: Granger]

Things have been going pretty well for Liverpool England in qualifying so far, unbeaten in 6 games and second in the group behind Lykaia. Things started off brilliantly with a well taken corner winning the game at Johhny Big Pants, while a shock win over Spaam away boosted the team's spirit.

On 64 minutes, Hans Jorgen, playing domestic football in Kingsford, scored with a well-shot 30 metre volley from a back-header from Joseph Granigen, who plays in Giant Zucchini. Granigen himself sealed then win 15 minutes later, with a header from a corner.

A two-all draw against The Weegies surprised the team a little, while the team took the lead in the 17th minute through an own goal, a result of a scramble in the area, The Weegies managed to pull ahead with two penalties in the 24th (goalkeeper fouled attacker) and 76th (tackle from behind) minutes. Kelvin Johnson however saved the day (and the team's blushes) with a goal in stoppage time.

And then, a 1-1 draw against little-known 86th rank Lykaia shocked the team into silence in the dressing room after the game. The team had expectedly taken the lead, William Boneham finishing a good move which saw 24 passes strung together, However, with just three minues left, a defensive lapse saw the team caught on the break and Lykaia pounced on the invitation to equalise.

Krytenia-affiliated Northbank were up next away. Conflicting reports suggest some Liverpool england fans travelled to Northbank to support the team that did so well in the Baptism of Fire cup held recently in Liverpool England and Vilita. However, the team ignored those reports and Joseph Granigen popped up twice in the box for easy tap-ins.

And finally against Johhny Big Pants at home. With coach Ha~e Hangila opting for the same young team facing them away, there weren't going to be many goals. In fact, only one came in the 65th minute, courtesy Kelvin Granger.

Tigers win, but not sure of qualification yet

Spurland - The match in Spurland was a nice one to watch. Both teams got some good chances, especially during the first half. Both teams scored once, the Tadjik goal came from Suvorov. Second half was more or less dominated by the Tigers. the Tigers came out on the sides and finished of their attacks twice, in the 68th minute Terekhin scored and in the 77th minute it was the returning Cherniakhovskij who put an assist from Pliiev into the Spurland netts.

The Tadjik 3-1 victory gave put them 6 points ahead of Haperd. But with 13 points Crystilakere still has one point more than Tadjikistan. The tadjiks will have to fight for any point they can get, they also must win their match against Crystilakere on MD9 if they want to go through. The Tigers are on their way to The Eagles Nest now, where they'll have to play the most difficult match of the qualification-round. They dont have much chance of winning, so we can only hope they come home with a draw.


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 18 6 0 0 21: 2 19
2. Crystilakere 13 4 1 1 11: 6 5
3. Tadjikistan 12 4 0 2 14: 8 6
4. Haperd 6 2 0 4 9:17 -8
5. Spurland 2 0 2 4 9:19 -10
6. Loonyvania 1 0 1 5 2:14 -12


Loonyvania is eliminated, Spurland can only qualify if Crystilakere loses all 4 remaining matches (most unlikely). Haperd can still qualify if it wins atleast 3 matches but that is also very unlikely. Anything is possible in the top 3, the direct duel between Crystilakere and Tadjikistan will probably decide who qualifies.

MD1:Spurland - Tadjikistan W 3-4
MD2:Tadjikistan - The Eagle's Nest L 0-3
MD3:Loonyvania - Tadjikistan W 0-2
MD4:Tadjikistan - Crystilakere L 0-1
MD5:Haperd - Tadjikistan W 0-5
MD6:Tadjikistan - Spurland W 3-1
MD7:The Eagle's Nest - Tadjikistan
MD8:Tadjikistan - Loonyvania
MD9:Crystilakere - Tadjikistan
MD10:Tadjikistan - Haperd

ASNN - TLC Stars defeat Taokoualu before Biggest Match of Qualifying

GRAHAM CITY - The Stars found an easy victory today, which they used to test new strategies and formations against the Taokoulans before the biggest match of the WCQ, against feared froup rival Lemmitania. With the experience they gained today, manager Terry Fleury feels that the Stars should get a good chance to at least tie, if not win the vital match.

The game began with the standard 3-4-3 formation that the Clans use, but it quickly became the 2-4-5-1 "arrowhead" formation, with Mark Jeremy and Jason Fleury leading the charge. Using a quick series up passes up each level, they were able to attack 'over' the Taokoualu defense. Jeremy took one such pass in the twenty-first minute, and manuevered past the remaining defender and put it in the top right corner. Our analysts here at ASNN stated that this is one of the more successful formations tried today and we should watch for it against Lemmitania.

The next formation was the "anvil," a 5-1-5 formation allowing for heavy attack and defence. This strategy was tried in the late first half and early second half. In the early second half, a group rush involving all the forwards and the midfielder, the sweeping passes and beautiful footwork of the falling "anvil" allowed the Stars to score there second, when Kellen Asten took a pass from Pavel Julios and put it past the overwhelmed keeper.

The last formation, a 10-0-1 was quickly withdrawn as the Taokoaulans managed to get a ball out of their clogged half and managed to make it past Moe West to score on Martin Teller.

Analysts predict the tough game tomorrow will most likely end up a draw, and no thanks in part to the new formations that should see some signifigant play time next matchday.

TLC Stars 2 - 1 Taokoaulu
Jeremy (21st, Fleury Assist)
Asten (56th, Julios Assist)

Blades and Iansislanders fight to a standstill
We got Rrrready to Rrrrumbllle!

The floodlights were set to 'atmospheric', the walk-out music was played. Twenty-two highly athletes strode out into the stadium to be greeted by cheers, banners and applause. The referee blew his whistle and yelled "Let's get it on!".

To begin with the teams were simply feeling each other out, locked in a series of minor forward thrusts and defensive blocks. Suddenly Iansisle took a hold of their opponents, closing down the Starblaydis, pressuring them up close and personal. The deadlock was only broken by a hugely powerful kick from Spike Martin, forcing Iansisle on the defensive.

After half an hour of toil, Starblaydia were undone when an Iansislander player, off the pitch supposedly receiving treatment, rushed around behind Starblaydia's Goalkeeper and tripped him! With his face in the grass, Rodriguez Da Silva had no chance of stopping a shot from Brian Lyon as Iansisle took the lead.

Ten minutes later though, just before half time, Starblaydia were on level terms. The latest adddition to the coaching staff - a gorgeous, slim, blonde, blue-eyed girl with a more-than impressive cleavage (but if you get up close she's actually a bit too masculine) - ran onto the pitch during a Starblaydi attack. The referee immediately ran over to try and get her off the pitch, which she wasn't having any of. While all this gesturing was going on, Fabricio de Souza Lima picked up a folded steel chair from beside the pitch and smashed it over the head (well, it was the middle of the shoulders really, but you can't tell at high speed) of the Iansisle goalkeeper, allowing Simeone Di Bradini, who was on the ball at the time, to slot the ball into the unguarded net.

The second half involved microphones, three-counts and lots of sweaty men. But nobody scored, except maybe the fourth official ;)

Final Score:
Iansisle 1 - 1 Starblaydia
(Lyon 31) - (Di Bradini 44)

Other Group 14 News
Commerce Heights 2 - 0 Soccer Hooliganism
The Heights will be plased with the three points but not by the small margin of victory. They are clear of Cockbill Street and Starblaydia, their current challengers for second spot.
Cockbill Street 1 - 0 Slaikau
Another disappointing victory, with one-nil the scoreline, which means Slaikau will need a mathematical miracle to qualify.

Group 14 Standings
Group 14 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Iansisle 14 4 2 0 11: 4 7
2. Commerce Heights 12 4 0 2 10: 3 7
3. Cockbill Street 9 2 3 1 5: 4 1
*4 Starblaydia 8 2 2 2 7: 7 0*
5. Soccer Hooliganism 4 1 1 4 3:13 -10
6. Slaikau 2 0 2 4 2: 7 -5

Other Starblaydi National and International News
Ducan 'Duke' Jacob has been allowed to return to Starblaydia, as he is being kept on hold for the Turori national side. Jacob, 23, is out-of-favour in Starblaydia, with National Manager Jean-Paul Georges-Ringeaux saying "I'm not having that rampaging skin-head in my side."

Vecchio Victors, who look set for a relegation scrap in the upcoming season, have signed unattached Starblaydi Striker Ahmed Ol-wairain, recently released from Vilitan Declasse side Eastal Lunar. Ol-wairain, 25, was released from Eastal Lunar at the end of last season, and had expressed his desire to go back to his native Starblaydia to continue his career.

VILÄMNA DAGENS NYHETER

SVECIA SURVIVES A SCARE
Van Meer saves last second penalty

Svecia 1 HypercapitaliZm 0

VILÄMNA, Svecia - It seems a new hero emerges every day now for the Lightning. In most games that hero is a goal-scorer. Yesterday that hero was the goal-saver.

Home games for the Lightning are an even bigger advantage nowaday than they used to be due to the distracting bright orange jerseys everyone wears. And not to take anything away from the amazing PK save Piet van Meer made in the 1st minute of second half stoppage time, but perhaps the annoying fans right behind the goal could have had something to do with disrupting the concentration of the HypercapitaliZm kicker.

Heading towards the final whistle, it looked as if Svecia would cruise to a win. The Lightning had controlled the ball for over 60% of the match, and had outshot HypercapitaliZm 17 to 4, and despite only one goal being scored by Hanan Belagt in the 14th minute, the Lightning looked comfortable with their lead.

So when the fourth official held up a sign with the number 2 on it at 90 minutes, the fans began to get a little rowdy. And then the whole game fell apart. Well, almost.

HypercapitaliZm's center midfielder intercepted a pass just inside the center circle on Svecia's side, and the hated capitalists began one of their few counterattacks.

A quick pass to the right flank and then a ground cross into the box were too much for the Svecian defense and Piet van Meer found himself one on one with the striker. Van Meer charged out and attempted to strip the ball away but the striker was too quick and skipped the ball around van Meer. Then disaster struck.

Van Meer realized he was too close to the attacker and brought his flailing hands back in, but the striker took a dive, and the referee brought out his whistle and his yellow card for van Meer. Obviously the stadium erupted in whistles and boos. Not to mention the many various beer varieties thrown onto the field.

Replays of the fould were not shown on the Jumbotrons because it was feared that the unruly crowd would become even more unruly when they realized that the HypercapitaliZm striker had pulled a Kenneth Lay and fabricated results. The replays showed van Meer pulling his hands away at the last second when he realized the ball was past him and then sliding past the striker, but the HypercapitaliZm guy thought he was in a capitalist society still and thought he could get away without working for his goal. So a penalty it was.

But the striker forgot he was in Svecia, where the people take their voetbal, and socialism, very serioiusly. If you don't deserve what you didn't work for, you're not getting it, and HypercapitaliZm realized this when they heard the stadium get even louder than it had when Svecia had scored way back at the start of the game. The kick-taker made the mistake of glancing up behind the goal where a vision of orange bodies and angry faces met him. He quickly glanced back down, but you could see disconcertment in his face as he stepped up to the ball and telegraphed his direction to the entire stadium as everyone yelled "LINKS!" the German word for left as HypercapitaliZm went left, van Meer went left, and the ball went left off van Meer's snowshovel-shized hands safely to the feet of Tomas Kristiansand who cleared it out.

So quite a finish in at the Rijksstadion yesterday, but a happy ending for the Lightning. And for the HypercapitaliZm teams who made it back to the airport with only a few eggs and tomatoes smashed on their bus windows.

Tomorrow Svecia travels to dangerous Snub Nose 38, who are realing from multiple losses and feeling angry about their current standing below HypercapitaliZm in region 3. This should be an exciting matchup as Svecia won 1-0 last time in Vilämna.

The Daily Druid

DIFFERENT TEAM, SAME OUTCOME
Wayne Ottgunn-Irwin on NEWI Cefn Druids 3 Ebon Hawk 0

With the biggest game of the qualifying campaign in Eauz coming up, joint Druid managers Trevor Kallins and Simon Greaves fielded what is effectively the Druid second eleven to start against lowly Ebon Hawk, with all 11 players expected to start the next match not starting here. It meant that the Druids limed up like this:


31) Righteous

19) Allen 5) R. McDonald 18) T. McDonald 2) Jones

17) Jones 14) J.P. Trevor 11) Collins

9) Evans 23) Law 10) T. Trevor


Usually, experiments like this have proved how crap Druid football is, but now, it seems, that it isn't as bad as people think. Goals from both Trevor Jones', who both play their club football for Inter Dave, and Trevor Law sealed an easy win for this young Druid side.

Trevor Kallins, the less manic of the two managers, heaped praise onto his side afterwards. "The average age of our team tonight was only 23 years old, and when you consider that there's already players younger than that in our first team, the future of Druid football looks in safe hands. Even if "Mo" Leicester might end up breaking the record for the most sending offs in history."

A few useless facts about how well the Druids have done so far (printed before the Eauz match to make them seem more impressive):

- The Druids have maximum poins so far, only The Eagles Nest, Europa Brittania and Svecia also have 6-0-0 records.

- The Druids have scored the joint highest number of goals, 21, along with TEN.

- Only TEN have better Goal Difference than the Druids +17.

- If the Druids beat Eauz (like that'll happen) and Creedence Clearwater don't win (something we always like to see happen), the Druids would be in the finals. Only three other sides can mathematically qualify next game (EB, Svecia and Oaker).

Elsewhere in the group, Eauz won (thumbs up) and CC lost (cartwheels through the streets, though probably not naked, that wouldn't be pretty.)

Final Score:
NEWI Cefn Druids 3 [Trevor Jones #17 9, Law 39, Trevor Jones #2 74]
Ebon Hawk 0


Matches so far...

Matchday 1: Ebon Hawk 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 2: NEWI Cefn Druids 1-0 Eauz
Matchday 3: Nominaen 1-5 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 4: NEWI Cefn Druids 3-2 Creedence Cleawater
Matchday 5: Avenging Altos 0-4 NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 6: NEWI Cefn Druids 3-0 Ebon Hawk

...top scorers...

[8] Liam Gessemschmitthaagen-Po
[6] Trevor Belmore,
[2] Trevor Law
[1] Bill Posters, Horace Orange, Maurice "Mo" Leicester, Trevor Jones, Trevor Jones

...and still to come

Marchday 7: Eauz v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 8: NEWI Cefn Druids v Nominaen
Matchday 9: Creedence Clearwater v NEWI Cefn Druids
Matchday 10: NEWI Cefn Druids v Avenging Altos*

All home games to be played at The Hole, Mawr except *, which will be moved due to risk of injury from Altos on the roof.

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NCD Based Ecspo Earns Turori Start
Turori FA Press Release, Almintora, Turori
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...........NEWI Cefn Druids based Martika Ecspo has earned a starting role in the Turori National Team for the Important Group 13 match against Wella. Ecspo takes the place of Moiba Linaian, the weakest link in the Turori Defense, who returns home on leave. Ecspo impressed coach G.Q. Disterfred in the Trial, and the Vilitan Exiles NCD Conference side star was put straight into the starting lineup. Other Trialists that made the trip to Wella include Oglethorpia-Based Goalkeeper Aaron White, Sarzonia-Based Defender Arturo Bengali and Ecspo's Vilitan Exile teammate, 25 year old Rikko Ambama, all filling out the Eels bench. Trevor Ugnata and Duncan Jacobs have been allowed to return to NEWI-Cefn Druids and Starblaydia respectively, but will remain on call if needed. Tika Poloni and Ageing Kingsfordian Oswaldo Alegre remain in Turori and will train with the side along with the trialists currently in Wella to further try and earn a place in the squad. The Full list of Current Trialists (In order of Ranking by Coaches G.Q. Disterfred and Maritus Banda).


:: D:: Martika Ecspo :: (23) :: | Vilitan Exiles (NCD) | ::
:: GK:: Aaron White :: (20) :: | !!Unknown Club!! | :: --- 2n Nat: Oglethorpia
:: D:: Arturo Bengali :: (25) :: | Saugerties Snakes (SAR) | :: --- 2n Nat: Sarzonia
:: DM:: Rikko Ambama :: (25) :: | Vilitan Exiles (NCD) | ::
:: M:: Tika Poloni :: (29) :: | Vilitan Exiles (NCD) | ::
:: GK:: Trevor Ugnata :: (19) :: | Vilitan Exiles (NCD) | :: --- 2n Nat: NEWI-Cefn Druids
:: D:: Duncan Jacob :: (23) :: | Corinthian Spirits (STR) | :: --- 2n Nat: Starblaydia
:: D:: Oswaldo Alegre :: (70) :: | Vagabundo (KNG) | :: --- 2n Nat: Kingsford



!URGENT :: Turori FA Searches for More Players!

Turori FA Press Release, Almintora Turori
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...........At the request of Head Coach Gisterfred Q. Disterfred, The Football Association of Turori will be sending scouts to find foreign-based players who may be eligible to compete on the Turori National Team. Coach Disterfred has admitted that their are only 4 or 5 International Calibre Turorians playing in the Vilita-Turori League System, and with the recent injury to 37 year Central Defensive backup Blootie Aace, Turori has been forced to take the field for important World Cup qualifying Fixtures with less than a full bench, with no recognized Defenders to fall back on should one of the starters have to be removed. Any interested players playing in a League Outside of Turori, with a Turorian Relative that would qualify them for the Turori National team, should contact the Turori Fa at:

Football Association of Turori
14 Litasin Blvd
Almintora, Turori AOVI1082

Or Telephone AOVI1082-0819-1092



Turori [0]-[2] Wella
---------------------------------- [ Wata 33, 62 ]

Water Fountain Field, Aquavella, Wella
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...........A New-Look Turori Lineup took the field for the crucial Group 13 Matchup with Wella, knowing a Win would see them 3 points clear of their qualification rivals in the race for the World Cup Finals. However, The home side looked stronger throughout the match, and came out on top, with Henry Wata scoring twice either side of the half to move Wella into Second Spot, 1 point ahead of the Eels and Giant Zucchini.

...........Debutant Centre Back Martika Ecspo worked well with his new teammates, including Right Back Kiatin Likao. However, Likao's participation in the match would end within the first half hour as he would be stretchered off, coach Disterfred thankful of the recent trials that gave him Defensive options on the bench. Disterfred had originally planned on putting in Rikko Ambama, who has worked as teammate with Ecspo on the Vilitan Exiles Club side in NEWI Cefn Druids. However, Ambama was in the bathroom at the time the substitution was made, so Sarzonia-Based Arturo Bengali was handed his International Debut. Bengali's first intervention in the match would be less than spectacular, his poorly placed backpass intercepted cleanly by Henry Wata, who put the home side 1-0 up to the delight of the home crowd.

...........Disterfred made no changes at the Half, however, Bengali again would take the blame of Wata's success, losing control of the ball in a one on one situations, leaving Wata alone to double his teams lead just past the hour. Coach Disterfred had seen enough of the Saugerties Snakes Defender, and he was replaced with the now-relieved Ambama. Disterfred also Replaced Yeaddin Owls Defender Linoi Niabula with Attacker Mika Sakatorra, to try and get his side back in the game, but it was to no avail as the Eels would concede their second loss in 3 matches, after a 15 match unbeaten streak, to fall out of the top two to 3rd place in Group 13.

Turori Eels (4-4-2) ::
[GK] Milauo Slietah, [D] Linoi Niabula, [D] Marlian Hunial, [D] Martika Ecspo, [D] Kiatin Likao [M] Makaus Likao, [M] Malaino Mumamba, [M] Yabaiy Tbaiao, [M] Cuolia Tuirma, [F] Jualiar Vumaou, [F] Akamoari Liano
BENCH::
[GK] Aaron White, [D] Arturo Bengali, [DM] Ugo Doohan, [U] Rikko Ambama, [M] Boaibou Houabou [F] Kaboafo Iobabao, [F] Mika Sakatorra





[b]Aging Alegre Requests Turori Chance
Vagabundo Hoover Blanket, Vagabundo, Kingsford
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...........Oswalso Alegre, currently on Trial with the Turori National team, has publically asked the Turori FA to give him a chance, through a local newspaper in Kingsford It is unknown whether this statement will have any affect on his chance for National team selection:

........... Hello, my name is Oswaldo Marilyn Alegre. I want to play soccer for Turoree. I dont not no if my skills are fit, but this last season i best of scorers of the goals for Vagabundo. I also only of the scores of the goal. Vagabundo is now upping one level to the one above because of me. Without me they suck big time. Also I think that I have sixty half, seventy years.

...........I am believe seventy is true because no one in the ford of King having less than seventy years has the name Oswaldo. And since so many years I have, I play for your team must. The end.






--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ao1b(8 ............... OouYvaiVYaqkBWjwIIOB ............. 001092019726X9

[OOC: I forgot to mention Bengali's age. He's 25 and has been playing with the Snakes for each of the team's two years in existence.

He also starred with the Burlington Braves for one year after his college days at the University of Syosset. He's a sturdy defender who gets in occasional bouts of caution-happiness.]

[OOC: I forgot to mention Bengali's age. He's 25 and has been playing with the Snakes for each of the team's two years in existence.

He also starred with the Burlington Braves for one year after his college days at the University of Syosset. He's a sturdy defender who gets in occasional bouts of caution-happiness.]

Syosset! Thats 5 minutes from my house :) although no University of :)

Syosset! Thats 5 minutes from my house :) although no University of :)

[OOC: I know there's no University of Syosset IRL, but I named one of my states Syosset so there IS a University of Syosset in my NS country. :)

A lot of the names I've picked for places in Sarzonia are named after places I've been to, lived in, etc. or people I know (and/or are classic rock references). I've been to NYS a few times (I have family and friends up there) and I liked the name Syosset, so there you go. :)]

Shock as Mitchell boards plane to Bedistan

After the months of rumour and will he won't he sagas, Chuck Mitchell surprised most of the HFA board by confirming that he planned to with the Hurricanes for their match in Bedistan. While a manager attending one of his teams away fixtures is and expected norm, it had been announced recently that Mitchell had in fact been exiled from his former country shortly before taking up the Hurricanes post. There had also been confirmation that he had supposedly installed a clause in his contract that he would not have to attend any Hurricanes matches in that country.
Everyone associated with the HFA and Mitchell had assumed he was to remain in Halfassed while the team travelled for the vital qualifier, with assistant Winston 'Wind' Chime taking over the reigns.
However, as the team left this morning after their 2-1 win over Anitram, Mitchell joined the rest of the team on the chartered flight. One of the team physios was left behind to leave room for the coach.
'I am surprised he left' stated HFA Chairman Peter Parks, 'He didn't seem interested in going along at all, I have no idea what caused his change of mind'

Last nights game may have caused a bit of worry for Mitchell. Ze Bulliao gave the Hurricanes an early lead, before Peters gave away a penalty for the equaliser, and only a 85th minute free-kick from captain John Bell finally got the Hurricanes back in front and they held on to get the win.
With Aquilla beating Ineptia, the Hurricanes now head the group on their own, 3 points clear of next opponents Bedistan and Ineptia.

No Wins So Far
Spurland Loose 3-1 to Tadjikistan

Spurland have a habbit of performing well in the first half, and then loosing it all in the second. This was the same story. Both teams had some good chances during the first half and both teams scored once, the Tadjik goal came from Suvorov. The Spurland goal came from Robert Yeats.

The second half was dominated by Tadjikistan. The Tigers scored 2 more and secured the match in their favor. In the 68th minute Terekhin scored, and in the 77th minute it was Cherniakhovskij.

Spurland play at home and face Crystilakere in their next game. In the reverse fixture Spurland managed to get a draw. The Spurland boss is expected to play around with their line up as their chances of qualification have mostly disappeared.


Region 15 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. The Eagles Nest 18 6 0 0 21: 2 19
2. Crystilakere 13 4 1 1 11: 6 5
3. Tadjikistan 12 4 0 2 14: 8 6
4. Haperd 6 2 0 4 9:17 -8
5. Spurland 2 0 2 4 9:19 -10
6. Loonyvania 1 0 1 5 2:14 -12


Fixtures/Results:
Matchday 1:
Spurland v Tadjikistan L 3-4
Matchday 2:
Crystilakere v Spurland D 1-1
Matchday 3:
Spurland v Haperd L 2-4
Matchday 4:
Spurland v Loonyvania D 2-2
Matchday 5:
The Eagles Nest v Spurland L 5-0
Matchday 6:
Tadjikistan v Spurland L 3-1
Matchday 7:
Spurland v Crystilakere
Matchday 8:
Haperd v Spurland
Matchday 9:
Loonyvania v Spurland
Matchday 10:
Spurland v The Eagles Nest

Expected Lineup Against Crystilakere: (4-4-2)

16. Robbie Hutch GK

12. Daniel Brown DL
14. Kevin Atkinson DR
4. William Prince DC
22. Thorston Willhelmson DC

21. John Blue ML
7. Martin Ricketts MC
18. Terry Motson MC
9. Peter Mannes MR(c)

10. Robert Yeats SC
19. Dean Morris SC

The Bureaucratic Tribune
The Bureaucratic States' most readily available publication.

Brilliantly stupid
Two words define Oglethorpia's World Cup 16 play

By Bill Christmas

OGLETHORPIA (BT) -- Matchday 6 seemed a day full of hope for the Oglethorpian side; facing the same team they had beat on matchday 1 4-nil. Oh, how wrong they were.

From the minute the Oglethorpians stepped on the field one could tell things would not go well for the side. Henry Louis-Charleston White stumbled on to the field in a drunken stupor; and replacement goalie Jim Green had earlier been hit by a car. Most of the starting eleven had just found out about the incident that day. The result was that a fumbling Louis-Charleston White would be playing goal half aware.

Unfortunately for the van Mistletoe led squad, most everyone else seemed to be playing half aware as well. While goalie White was off chasing pink elephants, a Bluesonian player walked right down the field and put one in; by the 7th minute Oglethorpia was already down one goal.

The game went to the half without any further incident, thanks to the 8 men Pancrazio Black had been forced to put on defense to make sure Louis-Charleston White wouldn't make the deficit any larger.

Early in the second half Oglethorpia made an outstanding run; Hjortur Green knocked the ball out of the Bluesonian defender's feet with savage efficiency and moved down the field with admirable pass. A short tap to van Mistletoe, the striker just inside the goalie box leaped over the goalie and still maintaining the ball, knocked it in.

"Yes!" went the PA at Oglethorpia's home stadium. "van Mistletoe over the goalie- the drunken goalie...the drunken...oh my. van Mistletoe has scored an own goal."

For van Mistletoe had indeed scored an own goal. So caught up in the moment, and figuring his teammate was supporing him on the proper side of the field, he had leaped over a passed out Louis-Charleston White, engaged in a fierce battle with a hangover and had scored on his own team.

Pancrazio Black pulled van Mistletoe out of the game; fans got to see the Oglethorpian manager take the piss out on the confused forward. "Figure out who plays in which f-in' goal!" said Black.

But even with the team knowing clearly who was on what side, it was too late; Oglethorpia had lost a disgraceful 2-nil.

"Disgraceful is right," commented one leaving fan. "They're living up to their name perfectly. Didn't even fill Amalgamated Stadium; I don't blame them for pulling sponsorship (http://forums2.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=6640607&postcount=36). We suck, and hard."

"We suck, and hard," van Mistletoe reiterated. A drunken Louis-Charleston White stumbled in and blamed the suckage on van Mistletoe, and the two's brief conversation degenerated into a rumble. No one on the team really cared, all feeling like sacks of shit -- for good reason. No word yet on the condition of Mistletoe or White; though most would argue that their health isn't exactly vital to the team at this point.

"We'll make the best of what's left, but it's looking like we're not gunna qualify," commented mananger Pancrazio Black. "We'll see what we can do, but it's too late to have much hope now."

---

THE FACTS
(Brought to you by Amalgamated Industries Inc.)

Oglethorpia - 0
Bluesonia - 2 (Bluesoanian striker 7th, van Mistletoe 48th [OG])

Crystils Double Maintains Position

Following the Essential 1-0 win over Tadjikistan, the Crystils knew Qualification was now in their hands. Goals from Defensive Midfielder Oussent Nón and striker Carlo Romano in the first half were enough to give Crystilakere all 3 points against Loonyvania. There was a scare in the second half when substitute attacker Michael Baker had to be carried off injured, but an x-ray came back negative, so it will just be some hard training for Baker to regain fitness. For Nón it was a day to remember, with his first ever international start being capped off with a goal in front of a strong away support in Loonyvania. The goal was nothing special, a second chance effort from 10 yards, but the game winner was enough to keep the 18 year old smiling all match long, and into the post match press conference.

Scorers:
Crystilakere: Nón(18); Romano (41)


The Crystilakere football team prepared for their second meeting with Haperd in a similarly optimistic mood as the first match, after defeating rivals Tadjikistan and Loonyvania, and ended up with the same result as achieved in Haperd on Matchday 1. Giuseppe Zucco scored the first goal for the Crystils half an hour into the match, before Haperd tied the match after 45 minutes. From there it was all Crystilakere, with Carlo Romano and Attacking substitute Toader Pold scoring to give the Crystils the 3-1 Win. The Crystils now sit 2nd in Group 15, 5 points behind the perfect Eagles Nest, and 1 point ahead of Tadjikistan. Unless a miracle comes for Haperd, they are now eliminated, as well as Spurland and Loonyvania who have been long done.


Scorers:
Crystilakere: Zucco (30); Romano (62); Pold (75)

Results:
Matchday 1: Crystilakere V Haperd Win 3-1
Matchday 2: Crystilakere V Spurland Draw 1-1
Matchday 3: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest Lose 1-3
Matchday 4: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan Win 1-0
Matchday 5: Crystilakere V Loonyvania Win 2-0
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: Crystilakere V Haperd Win 3-1
Matchday 7: Crystilakere V Spurland
Matchday 8: Crystilakere V The Eagles Nest
Matchday 9: Crystilakere V Tadjikistan
Matchday10: Crystilakere V Loonyvania

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Vilita [3]-[0] Hazlia
............[ Mumamba 1 :: Ramzi 51 :: Banda 74 ]

National View Stadium, Morata Valley, Vilita
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..........The Vilita Jungle Cats, and their 42,000 strong support arrived at the new National View Stadium in the Morata Valley region of Vilita for the first ever International match at the Multi-Million Ture Stadium. The strong attendance deep in the Morata Valley is a good sign for the upcoming AOCAF 2 Championships, where 5 Group 1 Matches, and one Quarter File Match are scheduled to be held at the National View. Fans were in full cheer when Jungle Cats All-Time Top Scorer Callum Banda stepped onto the field, after missing out on the starting 11 against the Redavic Union. However, the starting squad was without captain Santo Kecker, handing the armband for the first time to Jürgen Ramzi, as Kecker looked for rest ahead of the crucial match against Audioslavia. Banda's partner in attack would be the experienced Lorenzo Mumamba. The Tivali City striker being handed the starting role in an effort to shake up the Vilita front line while youth Strikers Serge DuPont, Hluali Mijatos & Jan Christiansen prepare for the AOCAF Championships. Massimo Corsi personally handed the gloves to Mumamba's Tivali City teammate Jimmy Kater, making his second career international start.

..........As has been habit in recent matches, the Jungle Cats got off to a flying start. However, no one in the 42,000+ capacity crowd would have expected the first goal to come as quickly as it did. Jonathon Baledrokadroka & Alexander Östling took the opening kick, as Mumamba and Banda began daring upfield sprints. After receiving the ball, Östling quickly flicked to Santo Kecker, who posted a long ball over the top of the Hazlian defense. The Hazlia goalkeeper, not expecting to be called into action, still messing with his pants, was forced to lay back as Banda broke behind the Defense and stole in on the Hazlia goal, with Mumamba mirroring his run from the opposite direction. The Hazlian keeper could only parry the Marine Coast United striker's shot as far as Mumamba, who recorded his 2nd goal of the competition, and 3rd career at the senior level to put the Jungle Cats on top in the first minute.

..........Calaesa Mitaroka, filling the shoes of the benched Kecker, had a good chance to double to score 25 minutes in, after a dazzling run, showing his potential already fulfilled Domestically for Yeaddin Owls AFC, before he sent his effort screaming over the bar with only the Hazlian keeper to beat. The Jungle Cats looked lacklustre for the rest of the half however, with Hazlia twice earning corners which youth Keeper Jimmy Kater had to handle well to prevent from becoming disastrous goals for the visiting Cup newcomers.

..........The second half saw an attacking-minded substitution with Defender Jaloey Afrikka coming off in favor of Tonka City of Giant Zucchini midfielder Umberto Melli. Melli worked well with Mumamba early, and 5 minutes into the half, Mumamba earned Vilita their first Penalty Kick of the competition. With his teammates urging him on, Captain-for-the-day Ramzi stepped up to take over the duties of Regular captain Kecker, before cooling sending the keeper the wrong way and putting the Jungle Cats two goals up. It was Ramzi's first goal of the competition, and 6th career for Vilita.

..........The Jungle Cats kept pressure on the Cup newcomers, and were rewarded 70 minutes in when good work by Mitaroka again on the left earn Vilita their 8th corner kick of the afternoon. With Kecker still on the bench, making no indications he would be inserted into the match, Östling stepped up to deliver once again. This time his delivery found Vilitan Top Scorer Callum Banda, who easily headed home for his 25th career Senior Goal, and 31st overall for Vilitan International Football. The match ended 3-0, extending the Jungle Cats Clean Sheet streak to just under 500 consecutive minutes of play, leading back to the 3-2 defeat to Audioslavia. The slaves are the only team that has beaten the Corsi-Kater partnership so far during Qualifications, and are also the next team on the Match Schedule for Vilita, the match being played in Audioslavia, with Massimo Corsi expected to return to goal.


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Vilita Jungle Cats (3-5-2) ::
[GK] Jimmy Kater, [D] Giacomo Adika, [D] Enzo Ahat, [D] Jaloey Afrikka, [DM] Jürgen Ramzi, [M] Alexander Östling, [M] Jonathon Stott, [M] Calaesa Mitaroka, [M] Jonathon Baledrokadroka, [F] Lorenzo Mumamba, [F] Callum Banda
BENCH::
[F] Germán Salomón, [F] Jim Vella, [M] Umberto Melli, [M] Santo Kecker, [U] Matteo Ollirg, [D] Emarka Laniora, [GK] Massimo Corsi



Colonial Interest in Clanny, Stellar Crash
Dark Arts & Prophecies Department, Rammsissil, Vilita::
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..........It now appears that Vilitan Stellar Division club Colonial Sile have entered the race to sign The Lowlands Clans keeper Kolinto Kesstos. Colonial have been in need of a higher calibre keeper since being promoted to the Stellar Division. It is believed that a quality keeper could have turned their Top half finish last season into a Championship run. However, They look to have competition from teams in Bedistan in aquiring Kesstos' signature, as Kesstos has indicated Bedistan would be his preferred Destination. Any agreement between the Clubs and the Player could not be completed until World Cup 16 Qualifying is complete and the transfer window re-opens. It is believed that a move for Kesstos to the Sile based club would be the doom of the clubs reign in the Vilitan Stellar Division. By breaking up their current lack of quality players, they will also be breaking the chemistry of the overachieving side, which would inturn cause them to crumble and see themselves back in the Declasse.


Melli Opens Zucchini Account
FA of Giant Zucchini Press Release, Tonka, Giant Zucchini::
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..........Vilitan Senior International midfielder Umberto Melli grabbed his first two goals in the Giant Zucchini Premiere League recently in Tonka City's 2-4 Defeat to Dankeschoen F.C.. Tonka City, who currently sit bottom of the GZPL table after being promoted this season, signed Melli on a seasons-long loan for Strike FC in Lonngeylin, Vilita. Melli followed the lead of Massimo Corsi, who signed for Giant Zucchini Premiere League side Arkanoid FC, although on a permanent basis from Yeaddin Owls. Arkanoid's first matchup with Tonka City ended in a 4-0 Victory for Corsi's side, also marking Corsi's first clean sheet in the GZPL.



Corsi Returns for Table-Topping Clash
Vilita Teamsheet vs. Audioslavia
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........----.

Goalkeepers ::
Defenders ::
Midfielders ::
Forwards ::


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Matches & Venues:
M01: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [4] - [0] Hazlia
M02: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [2] - [3] Audioslavia (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)
M03: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [0] - [0] Adrasuvare
M04: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [3] - [0] Raptor Claw (Marine World Park, Crosaibi)
M05: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [1] - [0] The Redavic Union
M06: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [3] - [0] Hazlia (National View Stadium, Morata Valley)
M07: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Audioslavia
M08: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Adrasuvare (Jlinal Cove Complex, Jlinal)
M09: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] Raptor Claw
M10: Vilita (http://vilita.3wide.com/) [] - [] The Redavic Union (The Shultis, Lonngeylin)

The Magnus Valerian Picayune
Nation-wide News Reports and Sports, Without The Bias Of The Valerian Voice

El Cid Aises Fom His Valerian Grave for Revenge

MEIJIS CITY -- The Boyars today faced off with EL CID THE HERO again after the first half of the Matchday Qualifiers had been completed. Magnus Valerius is not in such a pretty spot; at Number 4 in Group 2 it would take a miracle for the team to up its feet and become a much more capable team. It is only speculation, but there is word that the fans are calling for a change of coaches next year in preperation for WC XVII. Indeed, the coaches are getting a little on in age, and they were hand-picked by the Emperor, so it is likely they didn't qualify for the job.

EL CID THE HERO and The Boyars both equally played well. The defense on both sides were stunning, as each prevented a goal. That is, until the players on EL CID caught the Boyars at a bad timing and made a goal that finished the game 0 - 1. It was disappointing for the fans, but there is still chance to at least rank higher on the Group 2 charts if the Boyars spruce up their act.

Magnus Valerius tomorrow faces off with Bluesonia again, but after Bluesonia's recent victory over Oglethorpia, it is yet to be determined that the Boyars will win this game and perhaps place somewhat higher in the standings.

Final Score

MAGNUS VALERIUS 0
EL CID THE HERO 1

Region 2 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Europa Brittania 18 6 0 0 15: 1 14
2. EL CID THE HERO 12 4 0 2 8: 5 3
3. Oglethorpia 9 3 0 3 10: 6 4
4. Magnus Valerius 9 3 0 3 10:10 0
5. Bluesonia 6 2 0 4 6:14 -8
6. Artoonia 0 0 0 6 3:16 -13

Le LIBRE

Same start as first half

Match day 6 of 10 saw Les Bleus back at home against Nominaen who Les Bleus over killed in match day 1 by a score of 6 – 0. Les Bleus would be looking to do it again to show off to the home fans. With a packed Stade d’Eauz, Les Bleus were hoping for the home field advantage to work for them. The fans cheered and roared as very few Nominaen fans were to be found.

Starting off at the 10th minute as Les Bleus attempted a corner kick which went over the group of players and into the possession of another Eauz player. The ball was kicked only to be stopped by the Nominaen keeper. Les Bleus could not believe that such an easy attempt was spoiled. The Nominaen keeper threw the ball back into play to encourage his team, but nothing resulted from it. Les Bleus would regain possession keeping the pressure on. During the 24th minute of play Les Bleus were once again on the attack passing the ball around as the ball was kicked towards the net, it found its way to the back of the net putting Les Bleus up 1 – 0. As for Rousoi he was once again not challenged in this match as the Nominaen offence proved to be too weak. The first half ended with Les Bleus up 1 – 0 and fans searching for more.

The second half brought no new excitement from the Nominaen side as everything but their defence proved to be weak in this match. The 50th minute saw Les Bleus on another attack as forward Henry was pulled down by the Nominaen defense. The referee did not below any whistle. Les Bleus were angered at the decision and took it against the Nominaen defense. Joseuf found his way through the defense passing it to Henry who kicked it into the empty net. Les Bleus went up 2 – 0 and never looked back finishing the series sweep of Nominaen 2 – 0 – 0 and a goal difference of +8. Credit though must be given to the Nominaen defense in this second match for holding Les Bleus to only 2 goals.

The next match for Les Bleus comes against NEWI who Les Bleus will be looking for revenge as they lost to NEWI in their first meeting. Les Bleus though will be hoping for the home field advantage to work in their favour. This match is expected to be sold out once again including standing room. With a victory, Les Bleus can possibly challenge the currently undefeated NEWI team for first place. A loss could mean Les Bleus will be fighting for 2nd place in the group.



Region 11 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. NEWI Cefn Druids 18 6 0 0 21: 4 17
2. Eauz 13 4 1 1 15: 4 11
3. Creedence Clearwater 10 3 1 2 9: 9 0
4. Avenging Altos 7 2 1 3 10:13 -3
5. Nominaen 3 1 0 5 2:16 -14
6. Ebon Hawk 1 0 1 5 4:15 -11



Match Day 1: Eauz @ Nominaen W 6 – 0
Match Day 2: Eauz @ NEWI Cefn Druids L 0 – 1
Match Day 3: Creedence Clearwater @ Eauz T 0 – 0
Match Day 4: Eauz @ Avenging Altos W 5 – 2
Match Day 5: Ebon Hawk @ Eauz W 1 – 2

Match Day 6: Nominaen @ Eauz W 0 – 2
Match Day 7: NEWI Cefn Druids @ Eauz
Match Day 8: Eauz @ Creedence Clearwater
Match Day 9: Avenging Altos @ Eauz
Match Day 10: Eauz @ Ebon Hawks

TEN Takes Game Off

Horace Only Goal In 1-0 Win Over Loonyvania

Well, remember the LAST time we played this team? A crazy lot. They hav not found any IQ since we last saw them.

Horace scored 1 minute in with a blast, as the Loonyvania captain dared him to do it again. 5 minutes later, over the chanting of the team, the bells of an ice cream truck could be heard, and the entire Loonyvania contignent, coaches and all, ran out to go chase it down. Word is they never did find that truck, but were escorted to the airport by Nest SWAT, fearing for teh safety of the citizens of TEN.

MEANWHILE.....back at the stadium. Coach Adams, not wanting to run the scores up insanely, challenged keeper Nathan Adams to guard the other goal. for the whole game, and the defense as well. They were able to stop all 47 shots on goal, and the game ended 1-0.


MatchDay 6 Recap
Crystilikare and Tadjikstan also won today, keeping the spread between 1st through 3rd place the same. If TEN wins one moreand Tadjikistan loses one more game, they would need but a point to assure themsleves of qualification, asn they have 4 games to play with a 6 point lead. (A TEN win and Tadj. loss makes it 9 points with 3 to play.) And HEY! TEN plays Tadjikistan tomorrow, so we will see if the Nest can all but secure their ticket to WCXVI.


The Eagles Nest 1 Loonyvania 0
Tadjikistan 3 Spurland 1
Crystilakere 3 Haperd 1


Region 15
Pos Team P W D L F A GD Pts PP
1 The Eagles Nest 6 6 0 0 21 2 19 18 30
2 Crystilakere 6 4 1 1 11 6 5 13 25
3 Tadjikistan 6 4 0 2 14 8 6 12 24
4 Haperd 6 2 0 4 9 17 -8 6 18
5 Spurland 6 0 2 4 9 19 -10 2 14
6 Loonyvania 6 0 1 5 2 14 -12 1 13


TEN Goal Breakdown
G W D L GF GA GD
Home 3 3 0 0 9 1 +8
Away 3 3 0 0 12 1 +11
Neutral 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
---------------------------------------------
Total 5 5 0 0 20 2 +18


The Eagle's Nest Quafying Schedule

Matchday 1: The Eagle's Nest @ Loonyvania Win 5-0
Matchday 2: The Eagle's Nest @ Tadjikistan Win 3-0
Matchday 3: The Eagle's Nest vs. Crystilakere Win 3-1
Matchday 4: The Eagle's Nest @ Haperd Win 4-1
Matchday 5: The Eagle's Nest vs. Spurland Win 5-0
---------------------------------------------
Matchday 6: The Eagle's Nest vs. Loonyvania Win 1-0
Matchday 7: The Eagle's Nest vs. Tadjikistan
Matchday 8: The Eagle's Nest @ Crystilakere
Matchday 9: The Eagle's Nest vs. Haperd
Matchday 10: The Eagle's Nest @ Spurland

The Bedistan Sports Digest

Fans Unhappy Even After Win
Team still lacking, say fans

COLUMBIA, FD -- Not surprisingly, the Bedistan Lions once again defeated ASSKICKEN. However, while the Lions were able to smack them down seven-nil in the away fixture, they could manage just a 2-0 win at Holmes Stadium. While content with the three points, the fans still left the stadium a little grudgingly, unhappy with the Lions' "lackluster" performance. "There's no way in hell they're gonna be ready to face Halfassed," complained one fan. "We barely beat the Hurricanes last time! We'll probably go down four-nil."

In related news, against all expectations, Halfassed coach and former BSTV sportscaster and Bedistani coach Chuck Mitchell will be making the trip to Columbia with his team. The Bedistan Football Association has refused to comment.

Oaker's Identity revealed

In a recent investigation, the true identify of Oaker has been found out.

Oaker's real name is Oaker Belmore. His rich family is the owners of Oaker Beer which is brewed in New Hampshire.

Here is a quote from the Oaker Advertising committee:


"For many years, our breweries have made Northeastern New Hampshire's finest lite beer. And we still use the same secret ingredients as we did then (except the cocaine) to make premium draft micro brewed Oaker Beer."


http://www.oakerbeer.com

*recent investigation by I Can't Believe It's Not Investigation, Ltd., of Northern City, Kingsford

No Virus Problems Here!
Melmond Football is Always Disappointing!
By Dita Dutch of the Acosta Chronicle

ACOSTA, MELMOND—This article was especially hard to write, that is why this will probably be shorter than the usual. Perhaps for masochistic beings like myself, perhaps there is too much of a good thing, if you do call losing a good thing. Seem like a contradiction, well so is Melmond football. Melmond always has very fancied sides and a very well respected pro football league even though football is finally entering the first tier. Unfortunately, reputation alone doesn’t win matches, Melmond has plenty of talent and heart…but that has not been shown in Melmond’s records which is a bunch of close calls where we always end up on the short side. There has been much talk about the voodoo dice curse, but quite possibly I want to propose that there may be also another curse in conjunction with the voodoo dice curse, the Billy Goat curse. The Melmondian goddess’ favorite baseball team is the Chicago Cubs, the team saddled with the Billy Goat curse. The Chicago Cubs are always known for being lovable losers, and whenever they have a highly touted side they either completely flop or blow it in the NLCS and miss the World Series. If you look at the World Cup being the World Series of football, you will see the parallel. We were hoping with the relatively intimate premises of Frankndottir Stadium and the works of the crack private investigating team investigating the voodoo dice matter that Melmond will make its turn around in this must win against Oaker. Instead, Melmond may as well be called “choker.”
The injury and suspension laded Under-a-Cheevers still were slight favorites coming in this match as the pundits attributed Oaker’s great start to the fact they played the first four of five matches at home. Melmond did get off to a good start. At the 11th minute, some of the veteran substitute players made their chemistry and presence felt. Melmond midfielder Andrew Gore played perfectly under the Cheevers triangle, always being in the right place in the right time. He saw Melmond striker and Melmond City Blues teammate Naol Keelafin running from one side of the pitch toward the other. He sees an opening to make the pass. Gore makes the pass which floats chest-high in the air. Keelafin squats down to deflect the ball into a different direction to catch Oaker goalkeeper Martin Oaker off-guard. The crowd erupts in a somewhat restrained excitement as Melmond takes the 1-nil lead early on, but have the knowledge that there is much more to go in this match.
The worries deep in the pit of the stomach of the Melmondian football fan came true at the 37th minute, the nemesis of the Melmond footy faithful, Oaker striker Flash Oaker strikes the game as quickly as his name would indicate. After Oaker midfielder Freddy Oaker intercepted a long ball attempt by Melmond defender Trav Strachan. Freddy Oaker caught the Melmond defence off-guard as he makes a very accurate and swift pass right through the unprepared Melmond defence and Flash Oaker makes a nifty move to fake out Melmond goalkeeper Gina Unne and puts the ball into the net. Flash Oaker taunts the Melmond football faithful as he puts his index finger over his lip as if he was telling the crowd to quite down. They obliged as Oaker gets their equaliser. The score remains tied at one as the first half ends.
Usually in the second half, the culprit controlling the voodoo dice usually takes over and weird stuff happens against the Melmond National Team. However this time there was nothing as the wizards led by Melmondian cursologist Dr. Farg U. Icehole was able to keep out the evil. However, in that alternate universe that we call Earth, the curse of the Billy Goat crossed over. A judgment error by Melmond defender Kestrel Bluesummers is what led to the corner kick which would be Melmond undoing. Oaker midfielder Sport Oaker made a pass toward the upper-corner of the pitch. Both Bluesummers and Oaker midfielder Scott Oaker were both running toward the ball to get possession as the pass was a bit wide and appeared to be heading out-of-bounds. However, Bluesummers wasn’t so sure and tried to take possession of the ball, only for it to bounce of her feet and go out of bounds. Oaker gets the corner kick, and the fact that Gina Unne was in the net really hurt Melmond in this case as the struggling goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm was over a foot taller that Gina Unne and could easily thwart a corner kick with physical prowess alone. Manager Gerry Cheevers showed his confidence in Gina Unne and kept her in the match. Unfortunately, Oaker striker Tip Oaker was able to outleap them all and tip the ball into the net. Oaker takes the 2-1 lead at the 66th minute and will end up winning by the same score. The Melmond attack dominated the end of the second half. So much so that Oaker defender Stef Oaker made a rather smart play tackling Melmond striker Benjamin Leeb from behind after he got around him. He got a yellow card at the 84th minute, but the infraction was not in the goalkeeper’s box so no penalty kick. Despite the late offensive surge, Melmond was never able to convert any scoring chances due to errant shooting and the exceptional play of Oaker goalkeeper Martin Oaker.

Goals
Keelafin, MEL 11th
Fl. Oaker, OAK 37th
Ti. Oaker, OAK 66th

Cards
St. Oaker, OAK 84th

Standings

Other Group 3 Results
Snub Nose 38 3 – Cirdanistan 0
Svecia 1 – HypercapitaliZm 0

Group 3
Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Svecia 18 6 0 0 12:4 8
2. Oaker 15 5 0 1 13:5 8
3. Melmond 7 2 1 3 9:10 -1
4. Snub Nose 38 6 2 0 4 10:6 4
5. HypercapitaliZm 6 2 0 4 7:10 -3
6. Cirdanistan 1 0 1 5 2:18 -16

Team Stats
Goals: Mornakh the Bloody Handed (4), Critandi Unne (1), Fwynj Otsjx (1), Jonsi Torrini (1), Chris Owen (1), Naol Keelafin (1)
Cards: Trav Strachan (1), Rainy Zoulthane (1), Chris Owen (1), Charles Unne (1)

Melmond National Team Schedule

@ Oaker L 3-0
v HypercapitaliZm (Makinshakes Stadium, O’Connor) W 3-0
@ Snub Nose 38 W 1-0
@ Svecia L 3-2
@ Cirdanistan T 2-2
v Oaker (Frankndottir Stadium, Acosta) L 2-1
@ HypercapitaliZm
v Snub Nose 38 (Melmond Bowl, Melmond City)
v Svecia (Microcosm Football Colossuseum, Aldi)
v Cirdanistan (Feliz-Unne Stadium, Unne)

Next Game
at HypercapitaliZm

Now that the rejuvenated Svecia side and red hot at the right time Oaker side have virtually had their tickets stamped to go to either Brazillico or Rejistania for the World Cup final; the rest of the matches are all about salvation. Beating HypercapitaliZm or even tying with them will give Melmond a nice consolation prize, being the best football side in the Exclusive Capitalizt Zone. Also for salvation is Manager Gerry Cheevers’ job as the Melmond FA have been far from satisfied with the team’s performance under his guidance. He will have to improve this team markedly if he wants to keep his job going into our likely post-qualifying, the Cup of Harmony. Manager Gerry Cheevers is hoping that one game’s rest for highly touted but disappointing goalkeeper Snhp Xtfuinxm can reawaken his talent and fire, so he is back in the starting lineup. Still some suspensions being served out by midfielder Rainy Zoulthane and striker Chris Owen however, so they will be missed in the lineup.

GK- Snhp Xtfuinxm
D- Phael Survigosis
D- Sergio Ortiz
D- Charles Unne
D- Trav Strachan
M- Fwynj Otsjx
M- Andrew Gore
M- Cristina Antunez
P- Critandi Unne
F- Naol Keelafin
F- Benjamin Leeb

For tickets to HypercapitaliZm and the game, call Therewegoes Travel Agency at 3-18-357-9009. The tickets to get there will be rather inexpensive due to the wonders to economic competition and geographic proximity! Hooray for the free market!

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

Score Wars Episode VI: Return Of The Ari

AN Ari Smith hat-trick put him in position as Krytenia's top scorer in the tournament, and put the Celestials to within two points of the promised land after Squornshelous' draw with The Gulf States.

NASTIC had been beaten 3-1 by the Celestials back on Matchday One, and in this return game in the NASTIC city of San Lucos, the home side had not seemed to have learned their lessons. Their defence was split open twelve minutes in by a long Steve Ellis pass, and Smith cracked the ball with a first time shot into the back of the net.

Krytenia turned the screw for pretty much the entire first half, and the NASTIC 'keeper was kept busy. Colin Ulvæus, Stephen Xousa and Smith all went close and pulled out some top-notch stops. However, on thirty-six minutes Krytenia got their second. Cecil Poldov went on another of his mazy runs before being cruelly hacked down just inside the box. Ari Smith placed the penalty in the bottom right corner of the net with considerable ease.

The final goal came midway through the second half, and was unarguably the best of the lot. Substiute Roger Celsen was the architect, making a good run to the edge of the box. His square pass found Chris Lydersen, who quickly backheeled it into the path of Smith. The Patriots striker had plenty of time to choose a spot, and choose he did, slamming home a screamer into the top corner from a full 25 yards.

The final whistle was welcome relief for NASTIC, whose qualification hopes have all but evaporated. The Gulf States are the next opponents for Krytenia, and with Squornshelous and Nikea also playing on the same day, the Celestials will be looking to make a big impression on the top two.

Group 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 14 4 2 0 13: 4 9
2. Nikea 14 4 2 0 9: 2 6
3. Krytenia 12 4 0 2 15: 5 10
4. NASTIC II 7 2 1 3 11: 9 2
5. The Gulf States 1 0 1 5 2:16 -14
6. The Water Cooler* -3 1 0 5 2:16 -13

The Water Cooler was deducted 6 points for forfeiting 2 matches

NASTIC II - 0

KRYTENIA - 3
Smith 12, 36, 67

SCORERS
Ari SMITH - 6 (incl. 1 hat trick, and 1 penalty)
Colin ULVÆUS - 5 (incl. 1 hat trick)
Stephen XOUSA - 2
Roger CELSEN - 1
Acienko RIMMER - 1

v NASTIC II W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States W 4-0 (Ulvæus 3, Rimmer)
@ The Water Cooler W 4-0 (Ulvæus 2, Smith, Xousa)
v Squornshelous L 1-3 (Smith)
v Nikea L 0-1
@ NASTIC II W 3-0 (Smith 3)
@ The Gulf States
v The Water Cooler Walkover
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea

Oaker's Identity revealed

In a recent investigation, the true identify of Oaker has been found out.

Oaker's real name is Oaker Belmore. His rich family is the owners of Oaker Beer which is brewed in New Hampshire.

Here is a quote from the Oaker Advertising committee:



http://www.oakerbeer.com

*recent investigation by I Can't Believe It's Not Investigation, Ltd., of Northern City, Kingsford

:confused: :eek: :headbang:

;)

Jeruselem Government News

2nd win for Jeruselem in World Cup

Jeruselem won it's second game in the World Cup XVI with a hard fought 1-0 win over Minas Trith. The form of Jeruselem which has been hot and cold at world cups, showed itself but they managed a gritty win in a thuggish game. The win gives them a 2-1-2 record in Group 9.

A rare goal by Rabbi Goldstein in the 60th minute was enough for the win. Jewish soccer fans passively cheered while Christians were less restained with he scored.

Minas Trith 0 Jeruselem 1

The Red Dot Informant

It could have been pure skill, pure luck or just pure divulging of information or the random number powers that be throwing a little help, but whatever it is, it seems the Wolves are back on track.

One Red Dot came back an made an easy win out of Tasty Toast, thrashing them 3-0. Back at home at the Gweridijong City Stadium, the Wolves defeated Zangara again, 2-0.

The two wins have propelled ORD up the group ladder to 2nd place with 3 wins, falling behing Mattigool with 4 wins. The last four matches would prove critical, not only to ORD, but also to the other nations to claim the top 2 spots.

ORD will by going against Mattigool next.

Region 5 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Mattigool 13 4 1 1 8: 6 2
2. One Red Dot 10 3 1 2 11: 6 5
3. Larkinia 9 2 3 1 10: 5 5
4. Kerla 8 2 2 2 9: 7 2
5. Tasty Toast 8 2 2 2 6: 9 -3
6. Zangara 1 0 1 5 2:13 -11

Zangara has one last chance at a chance to make the top 2, as one loss means they are most probably mathematically eliminated.
Tasty Toast and Kerla could have a chance at trying to improve their rank but top 2 might be possible for Kerla.
Larkinia has had fluctuating results, so it is impossible to tell if they can maintain their level of play to upset those that are presently at the the top 2.
As for Mattigool and ORD, if things go their way, they'll stay as they are.

The Daily Indoctrinator
The Evil Umpire Gets Their Revenge on Oddslavo

Our giant fat umpires from the Umphir region were able to sit on the pitiful Oddslavans as Ayatollah Falwell scored the only goal of the match. Our terrible tripping teabags get a brutality award.

Oaker Sharks

Stadium: Pinealla International Stadium

Roster:

Martin Oaker (GK), Carrin Oaker (GK), Stef Oaker (D), Gray Oaker (D), Todd Oaker (D), Lenny Oaker (D), Tabby Oaker (D), Scott Oaker (M) Freddy Oaker (M), Sport Oaker (M), Venus Oaker (M), Arthin Oaker (M), Kelvin Oaker (M), Vincey Oaker (M), Flash Oaker (F), Tip Oaker (F), Cats Oaker (F), Pond Oaker (F)


Oaker 2 Melmond 1


The sharks made amends for the first defeat of the world cup against Svecia, by travelling to the outspoken Melmond, and showing them how real football is played. Many Melmond fans had called the sharks 3-0 opening day win a fluke, and attributed it to the fact that Melmond was forced to play in unfamiliar territory in the lands of Oaker. The Melmond fans planned a Shark burning Ceremony prior to the match which included over 700 Flash Oaker #17 Uniforms, after the Oaker striker single handedly schooled the Melmond team back at Pinealla International Stadium.

In Melmond, the storyline would play out differently with Melmond taking the lead first. New striker Naol Keelafin and beat out Martin Oaker to give the home crowd something to cheer about. The Melmond lead would not last long as Flash Oaker's Agility and Pace out classed the melmond backline and melmond goalkeeper Gina Unne, sending Flash spinning away taunting the Melmond fans as he put his time back in the cat birds seat for a top 2 position.

Despite a late offensive surge by the under achieving Melmond, a 66th minute header from Tip Oaker off a corner kick would prove the difference giving Oaker the 2-1 victory and a historic sweep over their new rivals in Melmond. Unfortunately for Melmond, the Rivalry will not be continued beyond the world cup groups as Oaker will be competing in the World Cup Finals while Melmond will be playing hosts to another Cup of Harmony.

Flash Oaker's goal was his 9th in 6 games, continuing his streak of scoring in every Oaker world cup match so far. Flash would be interested in putting his goalscoring record up against those from other players.


Headlines

Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have continued, and orders have now come in from Kingsford and One Red Dot in addition to The Lowland Clans, Sarzonia, Iansisle, and Oglethorpia, but have stopped coming in from Melmond.

The Real-Life Flash Oaker is still competing on the new local reality show "Oaker Stars take a Bath" where local celebrities are all thrown naked into a hot tub, and longer they last in the tub, the more objects will be thrown into the tub, from flying fish to purple skin die, which does not wash off, but does wear off after approximately 5 weeks of natural exposure. The last celebrity in the tub wins Ox/10.000.000 for a charity of their choice.

The Third star to exit the tub was Race Car Driver Vroomz Oaker. Vroomz, who makes his living driving at speeds in upwards of 400m/s in the new OaKar Series, was apparently more interested in playing with one of the lighting guys kids who had a remote control vehicle that did flips and climbed rocks. Hey, at least he was playing with a kid...

Beethovia Oaker was the second star to exit after the Oakerap star apparently saw a "*$*&^$ West *&%@*& Coast *&^*!& *&%^*&%@ Man *&%*@&%* *@&%*@ *&%@*^% *&%*@*&% (*%@*@&@ Dammmmn" and hopped out of the tub to chase him. So much for improving your image.

Bulzyit Oaker, the Newscaster from Channel 0 was the first to exit after apparantly overhearing some hot gossip betwen two actresses and did not care enough about the charity to stay and win money for them, but just wanted to produce a news story. stupid reporters.




Thats all from Oaker today, tune in tomorrow for a report on the match against Cirdanistan!

http://www.biezanow.net/~dominik/TVLovun/tvlovunsport-football.gif
Lovisa shock!!!

In matchday 6 Lovisa draw with New Cyprus 0-0 at Stadion Vibo in Atma.

Pawel Janas a lovisan coach says: We are vwery shock about this match and results. We draw with the worries team in our group and I dont know why. Teams are very good, and first round was very good for us. But revange start very bad for us. We still are in second place, but fourth Jerusalem have only 4 points in Lovisa. and Tanah Burung are very good for at he moment. Of course we will be faith for a win and advance to the final. They was only accident.

Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 12 3 3 0 12: 6 6
2. Lovisa 12 3 3 0 9: 3 6
3. Tanah Burung 10 3 1 2 8: 5 3
4. Jeruselem 8 2 2 2 7: 6 1
5. Minas Trith 5 1 2 3 6:10 -4
6. New Cyprus 1 0 1 5 3:15 -12

Surprise Draw With The Gulf States
Surprisingly, the Pschychoes didn't walk over The Gulf States the way they were expected to. "I don't know what happened, we just didn't perform well," said midfielder Xavier Keiths. Other members of our team had ideas where the blame should go. "It was that punk-ass referee." complained Striker Tobias Jones. "He kept calling me offside when I clearly wasn't." Whatever the cause, this game has made Group 12 a little more exciting.

[b]Final Score:
Squornshelous 1-1 The Gulf States

Scoring Summary:
GS: (player) 19
SQ: Rutter 54

Squornshelous' Scorers:
Jones: 4
Rutter: 4
Keiths: 3
Grigoriev: 2

Group 12 Standings after Matchday 6:

Region 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD Q/E
1. Squornshelous 14 4 2 0 13: 4 9 -
2. Nikea 14 4 2 0 9: 2 6 -
3. Krytenia 12 4 0 2 15: 5 10 -
4. NASTIC 2 7 2 1 3 11: 9 2 -
5. The Gulf States 1 0 1 5 2:16 -14 E
-. The Water Cooler* -3 1 0 5 2:16 -13 E

When qualification began, the Sarzonian national team figured it would be in for a dogfight for an outside chance to qualify for the World Cup and it would need wins against the two lowest seeded teams in the group to have that chance.

As the Stars prepare to face Minas Trith in the second leg of the qualifying season, much has changed. The Stars are currently in a first place tie with Lovisa for the group lead. Minas Trith has one win and two draws in its six matches and have proven to be a tougher opponent than anyone expected going in.

"They've been playing much better since their loss in Portland," Coach Bryan Marshall said. "This is not going to be a walk in the park. We're going to need to play our brand of football to make sure we get the result we need."

Sarzonia and Lovisa are only two points ahead of the group's top seed coming in, Tanah Burung, and are four points ahead of third seeded Jeruselem. Players cautioned against looking past Minas Trith or the team's next opponent, New Cyprus.

"We can't take anything for granted in this group," midfielder Darwin Russell said. "No one in our group has been eliminated from World Cup contention just yet. Anything is still possible."

The team pointed to the fact their only home match in the second leg was against New Cyprus, and they would face each of the two highest ranked national sides away.

"We were fortunate in a way because we were able to get three points against Tanah Burung, but that was at home in front of a packed crowd at the Palestra," forward Brian Wilson said. "The next leg will be there. That's what concerns us. We may be fortunate to pull off a draw over there."

"The last match against Lovisa may be the match that decides our World Cup fate," defender Mike Coyle said. "I've been saying it all along."

However, Coyle added, "that won't matter if we don't win the next match."

Sales of Flash Oaker's #17 uniform have continued, and orders have now come in from Kingsford and One Red Dot in addition to The Lowland Clans, Sarzonia, Iansisle, and Oglethorpia, but have stopped coming in from Melmond.

[OOC: Sorry I'm late, but I just noticed the mentions. Haha, very clever!]

Spaam has continued its dismal run in the 16th World Cup qualifiers with a disappointing home
draw against Northbank at Artanis National Stadium. Though this draw brings Spaam back up to
3rd position with the Weegies' loss to the stunning Lykaia, they are still 6 points behind qualifying,
and will need at least 9 points in their remaining 10 games to have a chance to make it into the next
round. This is a just another downhill trend in the world of football for the once great Spaam, and as
the nation gets closer to war with Espario, the morale among the population is plummeting. Its is
just hoped the the great gods, the scorinators, will have pity on Spaam, and return it to its once great
position amonst qualifiers.

There are also rumours that since Rejistania has been scorinating, they are deliberately making
Spaam lose because of the proposal that was passed :p

*by the light of the fire, we suddenly realize we are walking past The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Frost Free Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38. we can't help ourselves - we stop and stare. he's got something in his hand, and is watching the fire intently. he drops the piece of paper he's been fiddling with as someone approaches. we recognize the minister of health, mining and obscure rituals as he walks up.*

- We'll have it down to charred embers in a matter of hours, sir.
- Hmmm? Oh - fine, fine.
- Then we'll begin the exorcism.
- Good.
- We should be finishing up the plowing under and salting of the earth by dawn.
- And then the stadium.
- Stadium, sir?
- Yes.
- But, sir...
- THE STADIUM GOES AS WELL !!
- But, boss, don'tcha think the ministry building's enough?
- I said 38 Special Stadium is next!!
- Gotcha, chief.
- And make sure the stakes are set with sufficiently dry pyres so when we catch these incompetent nincompoops we can dispense entirely with any trial-ish kind of thing, and get directly to the executions.
- Well...
- Should I have an extra stake added?
- Won't be necessary, boss. Got the message. Speedy executions, that's the ticket.

*we decide to leave before anyone gets any ideas about testing those stakes with the odd passerby. we stop only to pick up that curious scrap of paper, which reads...*


You're WHERE?!?!?

Group 3
OAKER - 2nd, 15pts, GD +8
MELMOND - 3rd, 7pts, GD -1
SNUB NOSE 38 - 4th, 6pts, GD +4

These are prolly the worst results I have ever seen...

(Reminds self to never let Rejis host again)

I'd like a explanation as to WHY Lykaia, a nation which has made two minute RP's in WC15, and Buckley's all otherwise, and has not checked their nation for 10 days, has managed to top my group?

This is bloody ridiculous.

We in Lykaia are a Footballing Nation, and Football is What we do best. The Nation of Lykaia has been closed for the last week due to family emergency, for this We apologize. We are sorry for not 'checking' our nation during this time, but it had slipped my mind, We am back now, at least for temporarily, and are pleased to see our team performing well so far in the world cup. We have already bettered our performance of Dead Last in the Baptism of Fire Cup (No Goals Scored) and Dead Last in the Cup of Harmony (No Goals Scored) so this is an achievement for our Footballing Nation.

We are not so skilled in the art of the "RP" but we do know how to play football. We are sorry that in our success, we have brought to you pain, but we hope this pain is not in vein. While we wish the Nation of Spaam luck in their attempt to qualify for the world cup finals, we will not rollover in these last matchdays and hand the spot to them, They must earn it by their performances and contributions. We welcome any sporting challenges brought forward in the name of sport, but wish to stray away from challenges from the opposite side of the back, as no comment has yet been relayed directly to the Lykaian FA, via Posting, Telegram or any other form, and it is believed by us that this might have been a better first course of action.

Sincerly,

The Footballing Nation of Lykaia.

We in Lykaia are a Footballing Nation, and Football is What we do best. The Nation of Lykaia has been closed for the last week due to family emergency, for this We apologize. We are sorry for not 'checking' our nation during this time, but it had slipped my mind, We am back now, at least for temporarily, and are pleased to see our team performing well so far in the world cup. We have already bettered our performance of Dead Last in the Baptism of Fire Cup (No Goals Scored) and Dead Last in the Cup of Harmony (No Goals Scored) so this is an achievement for our Footballing Nation.

We are not so skilled in the art of the "RP" but we do know how to play football. We are sorry that in our success, we have brought to you pain, but we hope this pain is not in vein. While we wish the Nation of Spaam luck in their attempt to qualify for the world cup finals, we will not rollover in these last matchdays and hand the spot to them, They must earn it by their performances and contributions. We welcome any sporting challenges brought forward in the name of sport, but wish to stray away from challenges from the opposite side of the back, as no comment has yet been relayed directly to the Lykaian FA, via Posting, Telegram or any other form, and it is believed by us that this might have been a better first course of action.

Sincerly,

The Footballing Nation of Lykaia.
Lykaia: Relax. EVERY World Cup is rife with whinning and complaining by the higher ranked sides that get crappy results. Like me (:)). I speak from experience as a participant of all World Cups except 1 and 2.

It's not personal. It's just there.

We expect (in fact, we really WANT) some of the lower ranked sides to get good results like this. It makes the WCs better, and it shows everyone that they do have a chance to win.

But...when it comes at our own personal expense (like, when Snub Nose 38 loses to HypercapitaliZm) there is a certain amount of "ouch" to be absorbed. Some of us just have to talk about it awhile before we settle in and get back to RPing.
;)

David Thornby, the Cirdani national coach, approached the microphone nervously, in order to give his first press conference of the Cirdani World Cup qualifying campaign.

“As you all know, we’ve played half our qualifying matches and it’s been a total fiasco. We got hammered five-nil by the oddly-named nation Snub Nose 38-I won’t even try to guess what its inhabitants are called-and then we just kept on being hammered. We managed to tie Melmond, but only because one of their defenders smocked crack at half-time-and I‘ve got reliable sources backing this-and went on to score two own goals. So the question everyone’s asking is: why? Well, Sergeï [Mikoyan] has some form of chronic ‘flu ever since he ate some yak butter on holiday in Xikuang, Häen [Lokka] and Ejlert [Löevberg] have realised they’re the teams’ oldest players and won’t go onto the pitch without canes, Kjell [Jäger] is reportedly spending all his energy with his girlfriend instead of sleeping-at any rate he’s always knackered and keeps falling asleep during practice, young Eric [Bergsen] is lovesick, and all the other players’ attention is monopolised by the question of who he’s in love with. Ohm and the coach keeps coming up with lousy excuses instead of motivating the troops.”

And with those words, he ran away.

Cirdanistan is Doomed says Noted Cursologist
Cites Denial of Voodoo Dice and Socialist Ideologies
By Henry Kalangalangalang of the Melmond City Herald

Controversy has rung up in the nation of Melmond football as coach of the lowly Cirdanistan side, David Thornby, has suggested that Melmond defender Jonsi Torrini was smoking crack at halftime. He claims to have good sources, but everyone in the football world knows that it was the voodoo dice behind the misfortune of Torrini putting two goals in for Cirdanistan.

Jonsi Torrini has been infuriated by the allegations and many of his teammates, coaches, and people who know him says the allegations are comical. "Torrini is one of the straightest guys I know in terms of drugs...well he's not so straight in other ways, but the only crack he ever deals with is when he is with his boyfriend," says friend and national teammate Kestrel Bluesummers, referring to the fact that Torrini is openly gay, which is rather irrelevant in the eyes of the Melmondian people.

Torrini so far plans to press slander charges on Thornby as he contacted noted Tadjik lawyer Ivan Suyurpantsov.

Melmond cursologist Dr. Farg U. Icehole noted that the Cirdanistan side will pay for their comments, "The voodoo dice will have a will of its own at times, look what happened to Mr. Torrini, after he was able to overcome the voodoo dice in the first half and paid for it dearly as the voodoo dice carried him everywhere to hurt his own side, the voodoo dice does not like to be mocked, and Cirdanistan will probably be crushed. The government will fall too, but that's mainly natural as people naturally want to be better than the other person; sooner or later they will be tired of being poor as a team."

The Gulf States National Team Draws

BARDISTA CITY, Bardista - An impressive outing at the 6th Match Day game, as The Gulf States ties 11th ranked Squornshelous at Bardista City Stadium. The game was 1-1, but a major boost to a national team that struggles to climb up the rankings in international football.

Our goal was scored in the 19th minute by Vladimir Cruz. Squornshelous goal was scored in the 54th minute by Darrick Rutter. This is probably the first time all season long which our team has held a league, and it's quite impressive considering Squornshelous is expected to advance in the tournament. On the 1st Match Day, Squornshelous defeated TGS 3-0 - on their home soil though.

Vladimir Cruz was quoted after the game: "I just found an opening through Squornshelous' defense. And the ball just passed through their goalkeeper. I'm happy that I can contribute to this team and our country. We're repeating this over and over, that we're a new team and we're just looking for respectability at first. But hey, this is just another step forward towards that goal. Those 5 losses we have already hurt. And I think we're already eliminated from advancing in the tourney, one of the few countries already at that point. That sucks. But anything helps. Our spirits still remain high, and we still intend to make the world realize one day we won't be pushovers."

Assisstant Coach Carl Foster: "Vladimir Cruz helped us out big time today. His goal, nice play out on the field indeed. Now I hear Squornshelous complaining about how the referees are not behind them and were making horrible calls. We weren't bribing them off. And there were only 14,000 fans in our stadium. So I say they were fairly even. Let's face it, Squornshelous is 11th in the rankings, or something like that, and they see our nation coming against them. Their entire roster probably saw this as a vacation. And we played our hearts out. And we managed to tie them, which makes our team better in the end. I just hope Squornshelous is enjoying the sights in Bardista City and our country, because our team sure just embarassed them."


What's been done so far....
1 : The Gulf States 0 Squornshelous 3
2 : Krytenia 4 The Gulf States 0 - @ Lexington
3 : The Gulf States 0 Nikea 2
4: The Water Cooler 2 The Gulf States 1 - @ Flordis City
(and a little too early for us, as TWC withdraws right after this game)
5: The Gulf States 0 NASTIC 2 4
6: Squornshelous 1 The Gulf States 1 - @ Bardista City
7: at Krytenia
8: vs. Nikea - @ Orange
9: Win (would have been at The Water Cooler)
10: vs. NASTIC 2 - @ Torrington

OOC: Lykaia, don't worry, I'm allowed one day of ranting.

http://www.biezanow.net/~dominik/TVLovun/tvlovunsport-football.gif
another draw results

In matchday 7 Lovisa draw with Tanah Burung 1-1 in away.

this is third draw in last 3 matches. Tanah Burung is very good team, and this results is good for us, and better the last when Lovisa draw with New Cyprus 0-0 in Lovisa. Sarzonia draw too with Minas Trith, and Lovisa and Sarzonia have still the same points.



Region 9 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Sarzonia 13 3 4 0 13: 7 6
2. Lovisa 13 3 4 0 10: 4 6
3. Jeruselem 11 3 2 2 10: 6 4
4. Tanah Burung 11 3 2 2 9: 6 3
5. Minas Trith 6 1 3 3 7:11 -4
6. New Cyprus 1 0 1 6 3:18 -15

Al Braz disappears!

Magician Al Braz, famous for his disappearing act, has been missing for over 3 days after performing said act. At first people thought he was only joking, but concern grew after he didn’t attend the Magicians Conference, where he was going to give a keynote speech. The Insanician Police Force immediately formed search groups at the local donut shop. After the first day all they found were; secret Iraqi WMDs, a map to Atlantis and the weapon used by the grassy knoll gunman, but no Al Braz. They widened the dragnet, but still could not find him. Unnamed Mass, an Amateur Magician and ex-WCC President stepped into the breach and took over his show. Currently his critic body count is in double figures. Vera Wong, KBTCLMNOP News.

OOC: I know TGS doesn't officially have a nickname, but Desert Wolves just sounded to good to omit.

THE HERALD SPORTS DIGEST

The Gulf Has Closed

DIFFICULT times, but three points still for the Celestials as they worked hard for a two-one victory over the much-improved Gulf States - a victory that put them back in the top two. The "Desert Wolves" showed their teeth, taking two points off Squornshelous, and they were well deserving of something here.

It was The Gulf States who started the hungrier at home. They created much of the play, and Jose Ortiz nearly put them in front on 15 minutes, his header held well by Adam Vernazza. However, once they got in the stride of the game, Krytenia once again took control. Ari Smith shot narrowly over on 21 minutes, and Colin Ulvæus pulled a magnificent save out of the cat-like Felix Johnson from a sweeping free-kick just five minutes later.

The fans had to wait until the second half for either side to find the net, and much to their enjoyment, it was the home team who scored on 47 minutes. The Krytenian defence was much to blame as Clayton Lormer's header made it only as far as the penalty spot, however the sheer quality of Vladimir Cruz's shot could not be faulted. Poor Vernazza could only look on in horror as it hit the top corner as if laser-guided.

The wounded Celestials regrouped and set about the resolute Gulf defence. Brian Griffin was in especially good form, a last ditch tackle wonderfully denying Smith a good opportunity. Even a switch to 3-4-3 and the young Acienko Rimmer replacing Lormer seemed to be ineffective as wave after wave of sky blue was repelled.

With just one minute remaining, though, the Wolves got sloppy and the visitors equalised. The Gulf States had looked a little vulnerable from set pieces, and with no time on the clock, the Celestials just threw caution into the wind. Xousa's corner was whipped in, sub Seth Grüber saw his header knocked away, and the ball fell to, of all people, Adam Vernazza. The keeper closed his eyes, thumped the ball, and to his astonishment saw it hit the ned with an immensly satisfying ripple.

The shell-shocked Gulf States were simply crushed, and that's where fate delivered another cruel blow. With two of three minutes of injury time gone, Krytenia were desperate for the winner, and Vernazza looped yet another long ball upfield. It was met by Ari Smith, who laid the ball off for Xousa. The young midfielder advanced and then simply let fly. The ball smacked the underside of the bar, and Roger Celsen bundled the ball home for the ugliest, most beautiful goal Krytenia had scored in the qualifiers.

A well-earned rest and three guaranteed points next for Krytenia, thanks to the withdrawal of The Water Cooler. This will put them in good stead for the immense games at Sqornshelous and Nikea.

Group 12 Pts W D L GF:GA GD
1. Squornshelous 17 5 2 0 14: 4 10
2. KRYTENIA 15 5 0 2 17: 6 11
3. Nikea 14 4 2 1 9: 3 6
4. Nastic II 10 3 1 3 14: 9 5
5. The Gulf States 1 0 1 6 3:18 -15
6. The Water Cooler* -6 1 0 6 2:19 -17

The Water Cooler was deducted 9 points for forfeiting 3 matches

THE GULF STATES - 1
Cruz 47

KRYTENIA - 2
Vernazza 89
Celsen 90+2

SCORERS
Ari SMITH - 6 (incl. 1 hat trick, and 1 penalty)
Colin ULVÆUS - 5 (incl. 1 hat trick)
Roger CELSEN - 2
Stephen XOUSA - 2
Acienko RIMMER - 1
Adam VERNAZZA - 1

v NASTIC II W 3-1 (Xousa, Smith, Celsen)
v The Gulf States W 4-0 (Ulvæus 3, Rimmer)
@ The Water Cooler W 4-0 (Ulvæus 2, Smith, Xousa)
v Squornshelous L 1-3 (Smith)
v Nikea L 0-1
@ NASTIC II W 3-0 (Smith 3)
@ The Gulf States W 2-1 (Vernazza, Celsen)
v The Water Cooler Walkover
@ Squornshelous
@ Nikea