NationStates Jolt Archive

From the Department of Records to the Holy Emperor:

The Story So Far...

It began with an unprovoked declaration of war on the Sultanate of Utter Madness by the Empire of Fanta Lemon. Lemon wanted more living space. The map of our region can be found on our regional site:

http://uk.geocities.com/despotsrus

In defence of the smaller nation, the Holy Emperor Robertson of Further Maths sent a large force of his Peacemakers to the border between the nations. They were instructed to arrest anybody attempting to cross. He stationed his only space-faring ship, the FM Indestructable above the island, with the intention of tractoring any aircraft attempting to cross the same border. This forced a temporary halt to the hostilities.

However, regional defence was not governed solely by Further Maths. The regional military alliance, the DRURRF (Despots R Us Rapid Reaction Force) has three ruling members:
Aaronisia (President)
Distopistry
Further Maths

While Distopistry and Further Maths wanted to maintain peace, Aaronisia insisted on allowing the war to take place. And it did so, with all three members of the DRURRF 'accidentally' assisting their favoured side.

Eventually, the DRURRF moved in, establishing a de-militarized zone, which still stands.

Now, militaries throughout the region are being mobilized, and politics is afoot. Regional leadership has shifted from Aaronisia, for the first time in many years, to the region's founder, Further Maths.

And so it continues...

bump

Wouldn't this have been better posted in the International Incidents forum?

no

The regional deligateship has moved on to the Dominion of North Manchester until our differences can be sorted out.

In Aaronisia Army Group Center has been mobalised for exercises near the Further Maths Border...I just hope this regional deligateship stuff can be sorted quickly as there is a fulcrum of power in DRU and funnily enough everything seems to rotate around that big statue of me in some small village in the arse end of no-where, Aaronisia...I would much have preferred the giant golden one in the middle of my empire but what can you do...in any event, I wish to be all powerful again.

Maths and Decadence and Opulance my endorsements of you have been withdrawn until further notice.


In other news the negotiations for the fixed DMZ on the new Fanta Lemon-Utter Madness border have yet to begin due to someone not bothering to come up with a map on which we can all draw new borders and pictures of funny stick men.

And the saga continues....

OOC: Fanta Lemon has been too quiet. I am honestly worried that all this political posturing may be an attempt to draw our (my) attention from the disputed island. Thats a nice piece of real estate.

I.C

Distopistry is sending a further 50 000 troops over there, and most of the rest of my army, all 61.7million of them (7% of my total population, at this time 880million) are being mobolized.

Hell, I could just wade into that island and carve it out for myself, couldn't I?

You'll go through me first.

The peace process will continue...methinks Fanta Lemon is playing this quite well, but they're allowed to, thats politics...

From the Throne Room:

If I didn't credit the honourable leader of Aaronisia with more intelligence, I would think he was threatening me. But, since he knows that an attack on me by him would be akin to attacking an asylum with a banana, that's just silly.

Why don't we have a really huge training session on my Western Border? All my neighbours are welcome to join. I've instructed Lord Captain Commander Thelonius to mobilize the entire Peacemaking Force of about 80,000,000 men. We may as well make our regional military effective, eh, for when we stop bickering and start warmongering elsewhere.

By the Grace of God:
The Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson
Protector of Further Maths
Founder of Despots R Us
DRURRF Security Council Permanent Member
RDA Member
Honourary Duke of Clangerland
Honourary Professor of Physics at the Da Vinci Institute
Servant of the Servant of the Servant of God

Aaron, *methinks* you know more than you're saying. Thus, Distopistry is sending 20 million troops to the disputed island.

OOC: I suggest the name "Drew" for the island. (Despots aRe Us? DRU... Drew? Possibly it only appleals to my sense of humour) /OOC

Aaronisia is free to "start something".... Distopistry outnumbers him by some 120million people (thats an army of 12million itself) and we very close to him in ecomonic terms.)

If *any* of my troops do not reach Drew for *any* reason, I am holding Aaronisia responsible. Unless of course, either Fanta Lemon or Utter Madness is caught holding a smoking gun. Then my wroth shall fall upon both of them.

The troops, of course, will not be used for any reason than enforcing peace, and taking the Duke Atredies into custody to face charges of treason.

The first half million troops lands in one hour real time. Forces are being flown over constantly into a secured area of the island, ready to enforce piece and aprehend the Duke Atredies. And his two hundred thousand man strong army.


Moving onto home matters, The Home Defence Force is being mobolized. A turn out of 10million men so far, with far more expected. If attacked, the Defence Force becomes open to women and Distopistry can expect to raise 50% of its population. The advantage of having a paranoid dictator in power is that this 400 million strong army will be behind fortified cities, armed (and trained) in use of AAA and seige breaking artillary.

The Duke Ginaz,
Loyal Servant of His Highness,
Current commander of the High Distopian Forces,
Leader of Distropian Home Defence Force.

Threaten anyone? Why of course not, I'm merely sugesting that now our differences over the Utter madness-Fanta lemon war is over we can return to the old ways.

However you all know that I don't like to be cought off guard and so 100 million regular troops have been mobalised and sent into the border garisons and strongpoints.

The rest of the army and the reserves are being left as they are for now so as not to provoke further action, though army group center is continuing its exercise.

All I want is regional deligateship again.

This threat has also spurred me into action and i now announce the building of a great defencive line to run all along the Aaronisian borders, including a sea wall on the coast. I am also building defence in depth by turning towns and cities into fortresses and building strongpoints on all tactically and strategically important targets (bridges, road choke points etc.)

Of course it won't be ready in any way if this current conflict of interest gets blown out of all proportion but I just like to be on the safe side.

Building will commence in 5 days (workers need to be mobalised and so on)

I agree. I see no reason why you can't have a 30% army, that is, every male of reasonable age. The Russians did it. However, they can have a basic gun and a pair of boots each as a maximum, and your highly mechanised force is out of the question. Armies of the size you are talking about are, in my opinion, taking into account my high level qualifications in history, maths and physics, cannon-fodder armies. All you can hope is to overwhelm with numbers; equipment will be minimal. Daniel's figures are much more realistic, and even a bit generous. My force, including civilian support, is 10%. Of course, my police force is significant as well. And we have a large contingent of the Swiss Guard in Further Maths, as part of the Cardinal's own security force.

And your defensive buildings are not practical with such large numbers in the army. They are practical if you reduce your standing army. And they'll take a long time to build, as you've already concurred.

So, 15% of your population in the forces. That makes it about 100 million men. Of that, a standing army of 40 million would be resonable, the rest being engineers, medics, administrators, and so on. Some of those will be infantry, some mechanised, some airforce, some navy, in whatever ratio you prescibe. That is my suggestion.

You have 800,000 in Drew. That leaves about 39 million on the main continent. Sounds sensible. I don't know. What does everybody else think?

(this from dist, who couldn't be bothered to post here):
I'd give him 50 million men, not 40 million. So 49 million on the main continent.

Aaron, you can argue all you want for your huge military. However, as Chris says, you can just about give each of them a gun and some shiny boots. To train each one of them to any decent standard would take *huge* amounts of time and money.

If you want an army that size, fine. Don't claim them to be using any more than pea shooters though, and dont claim that your economy consists of more than cabbage growers scrubbing in the dirt, because you don't have the man power to have an infrastructure.

Please, read the link before claiming that 15% is not a high percentage.
Also, learn the lesson from history about what happens to a country with too high a military rate. Clue: they don't last long.

10% MAX for a truely effective military able to wage war in other countries. Home forces/police/Swiss guard are all different... can you imagine the supply lines needed to feed 100million men, none of which are producing their own food?!?

To take 100million fighting men to another country would surely take 60-70million support troops. At the least.

And again, don't insult our intellegance by claiming that your 100million men are armed with any decent weaponry.

I will conceed you can have an army of 100million men with the description you have given. I'll even raise Further Math's figures and give you 50 million fighting men. Just don't claim that all 100 are given any more than basic training before being sent into a support role.

Distopistry stands by its army of 61.7 million men, with 35million being well trained (infact, half of those, about 15million, being *very* well trained), *very* well equiped fighting men. The rest are support troops.

My cities are also fortified and defended. You see that alot of my budget has been spend on them. It's not as fanciable a claim as it sounds, and If i ever get around to making a map of Distopistry you'll see it's due to me having not many cities at all.

Aaron, decide or be ignored. 100million cannon fodder (Supposidly, upon hearing that the reserves include 65 yr old men, the Distopian Royal guard had to be disciplined for laughing at something other than a joke made by His Highness), or 50million half decent troops. Or suggest an alternative.

Distopistry now has 2million total men in Drew.

Ahem...who said they were all combat troops? I know full well that for every 1 combat trooper you have 2 or 3 support staff.

And again who says that all of them are highly trained? Only about 30% of my army is trained to "high" standards and the rest are, arguably human wave jobs who pick up their weapon off the dead guy in front.

However you are possably right that I am going too far and will reappraise my military in the near future by cutting back numbers in favour of quality, although the army won't be small by any token.

I will scale back my regular armed forces to 7% of total population at any given time and send the rest into civil services for 4 years (IE work on big construction projects like my new defences), though the reserves will maintain their presently high levels until all our present troops reach the age of 65 (IE it'll shrink slowly to be replaced by the more experienced and better trained troops of the all new regular army).

However this means i will have to make up in other areas and replaced lost troops with bigger and better weapons for doing the jobs they leave behind...now if only I could make a rocket launcher that could clean dishes....
The Krapp corporation will have its work cut out for it as well, as this is a large project.

I am also scaling back my operations in UM-FL border region to 500,000 troops as the 300,000 troops coming back will be useful in the training of the new army and all my forces will have to be rotated for the next while when they are being re-equipped.

The shedding of the army begins from now and people with service in the regulars will be shifted onto construction and also armarment factories.

And the average age in Aaronisia is only 60 so we don't have too many 65 year olds in the army-I'm a state that takes control from cradle to grave.

My own military is now performing training exercises close to the DMZ. None have entered, and any who do will be charged with treason. I am also testing the capabilities of five aircraft bought recently. The infantry and tanks are using blanks, and the aircraft are carrying standard weaponry in order to determine speed when fully loaded. If they fly over the DMZ, then please give them warnings before shooting them down. They cost me quite a bit of money.

Sure, I beleave in giving a fair fight every now and again.

They will be given the following warnings by their on-board computers:
Warning: Missile Lock
Warning: Missile launch
Warning: We're f**ked
Warning: EJECT EJECT!

I'm quite interested in purchasing these fighters, when Parker's tested them. Please don't destroy them unless you really really want to.

As promised, here are the details of our latest developement.

I like to call it the Drop Pod. We've been working in conjunction with Distopistrian scientists.

Basically they are giant metal cones, which carry troops. Dropped from orbit into a city, they render any outer defences such as walls entirely useless.

Clever, isn't it?


Professor Sir Bazil de Mimsy Porcupine
In the Service of The Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson
Head of the Da Vinci Research Institute
Professor of Cunning at Oxford University

While Distopistry and Further Maths wanted to maintain peace, Aaronisia insisted on allowing the war to take place. And it did so, with all three members of the DRURRF 'accidentally' assisting their favoured side.

How petty. By your organisational name, it seems that you are dictators but as an international organisation, for the good of group decisions it could have been wise to instigate a majority voting system. We hope such irrelevant and self-serving politics can be avoided in the future.
May you see the logic of our words.

Chancellor Alexander Mangan
The Logical and Utterly Wise Oligarchal Community of Manganland

Irrelevant? Self-serving? That's what we're all about. But worry not, the pendulum of power has swung back to its rightful place: Robertson Palace. Long may it stay there! And that has nothing to do with the fact that my own personal pay-slips come from the Palace.


Lord Captain Commander Thelonius
His Grace, the Duke of Descartes
Captain of the Royal Guard
Supreme Commander of the Peacemakers
In the service of The Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson

"Blessed are the peacemakers, they shall be called Children Of God"

bumpity bump

Battle field report:

The Duke Atredies has still not been captured. He's been often sighted, attending general staff meetings, war room discussions, giving orders and so on, but always seems to evade capture. A most interesting situation.

He most recently seems to have gone missing, along with nearly 500,000 men and 10 armoured divisions... Right into the heart of Fanta Lemon territory!

*End report*

The sonic boom could be heard before they could be seen... that was to be expected. The huge, powerful computers at the De Vinci Institute had programmed an near vertical drop for these pods, and it was some time before the Fanta Lemon Palace guards could re-aim the AA cannon to fire vertically upwards. By that time, the several hundered tonne near-sphere of metal was screaming through the atmostphere at several hundred miles per hour, dropping chaff and leaving so huge a heat signature to distort missle intercetption.

The AA fire did manage to begin firing, but it was too late. The speed and mass of the drop pod rendered such petty defences useless. The pod hit the ground.

A huge explosion, near atomic in its fury as the pod smashed into the ground, leaving a deep crater. The shockwave of the blast knocked everything over for a mile around, briefly stunning all but the most prepared guards around.

Dust filled the air, electricty was down. Into the confusion poured 250 picked men, cushioned from the force of the landing with meters of solid metal and yet more of padding. Even with these precautions, thirty of their number had died, crushed by huge forces, and a further twenty were too injured to fight.

Throwing with smoke grenades and tear gas - not using their more deadly weaponry- they added to the confusion, causing blindness and disorientation. Yet they moved with prescision, their night vision goggles and audio discriminators working well as they moved towards the palace, stopping only to visciously slaughter anyone in their path.

Fifty of the men stopped, and between them unpacked twenty morters... They fired them at the palace, bringing down windows and doors, smashing into the delicate interior walls through window, causing death and rendering the palaces defences nigh useless.

From Peacekeeper HQ, location undisclosed:

Well, the reports are coming in thick and fast. The main force, of 10,000 men and 5 armoured divisions has the outskirts of Utter Madness' capitol in sight.

The Royal Guard Drop Pod Division has taken the palace, but has taken casualties. We've lost 47 men so far, and there appears to be a small group of the Sultan's Bodyguard at large. However, we are sealing off their means of escape and believe it to be only a matter of time.

The machinery is set up. If all my men are killed, some of the more ... interesting developements from the Institute will simply level the palace and a sizeable portion of the grounds and surrounding area.


Lord Captain Commander Thelonius
His Grace, the Duke of Descartes
Captain of the Royal Guard
Supreme Commander of the Peacemakers
In the service of The Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson

"Blessed are the peacemakers, they shall be called Children Of God"

From the Basilica:

This really is silly. Although, for reasons as yet undisclosed, it is a just war, the Sultan's actions are entirely silly. Silly, silly, silly.

Just give up and Christopher says he will release your country in a week. When Thelonius' main force arrives, they will be very displeased if the Royal Guard are all dead. I remind you that his origins are in that very regiment. He has quite vivid ways of showing displeasure, I can assure you.

And, as his confessor, I know more than most in that department...

Stop the fighting, and surrender, Sultan Parker. It's the only way.


His Eminance, the Cardinal Charles Gaffney
Chief Advisor to the Holy Emperor
Prince of the Holy Roman Catholic Church
Defender of the Laws of God

"On this rock I shall build my Church, and the Gates of Hell will not prevail against it"

Now really. There is no need to be doing things like that. Now killing is a thing that I do try to avoid, but I don't have much alternative when my palace is occupied by foreign countries. Anyway, surely you wouldn't want to be held responcible for all the civilian casualties? All killings on my part have been against your military.

The area will be cleared of civilians first, when the main force arrives. It is not an immediate destruction I had in mind. But the choice remains. Surrender and have your palace and country returned to you in a week's time, of continue fighting, and have to rebuild a good bit of your capitol city.

I have the patience of a semi-blessed. But Thelonius does not, and I'm not going to be held responsible for his actions. And he's closer to you than I am. I'd be worried about that if I were you...


By the Grace of God:
The Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson
Protector of Further Maths
Founding Delegate of Despots R Us
DRURRF Security Council Permanent Member
RDA Member
Honourary Duke of Clangerland
Honourary Professor of Physics at the Da Vinci Institute
Servant of the Servant of the Servant of God

"The greatest among you must be servant of all"

::Dispatch from Duke Atredies::

Ser,
In order to recover my honour I promise to deliver you in all its glory this triffling country of Fanta Lemon. It shall be my applolgy and -if your mercy permits - my salvation.

As I write, nearly half a million of your finest troops are crossing Fanta lemon's land. We have struck fast and deep, hoping to reach the capital city where the drop pod so fortuitiously landed before Fanta Lemon can organise and bring their weight of numbers against us.

We have done this land huge damage. Any resemblance of resistance has been met with a hail of cannon fire, and a mowing with m60's. Villages have been burnt in our path. We have had no time to discriminate with our victims, having instead to kill any and all infront of us.

It is my ultimate hope that I can win through to this capital in time, large as our army is, they are fine soldiers and fast.

Perhaps there, where we can hold out for a time, your mercy will be shown as you give orders for the huge force stationed on Fanta Lemons border to come to our aid.

Yours,
Your loyal Duke and servant.

::end dispatch::

I'm a fair man, and so 500,000 troops have invaded Utter madness and 500,000 Fanta lemon....everyone will get the same amount of s**t kicked into and back out of themselves by my troops.

I have no interest in capitals but however I have sent special investigation squds to assist in the capture of the Sultan of Utter Madness...I have a few questions to ask him....and hurragh for commando squads operating alongside he allies have captured his family, attempting to flee like the animals they are!

Trials will commence immidiatly in the DMZ Aaronisian HQ and exicut...I mean a fair proceeding will be given in a trial to last no more than 5 minutes for each family member.

My main troops will concentrate on destroying armies and on securing critical locations such as ports, major towns etc before they are flattened by the desperate enemy troops.

First of all, to Aaronisia: My little squad has killed 52 of Robertson's finest troops, suffering only 2 casualties (this was when attacking, and, for obvious reasons, I designed my palace to be far easier to defend than to attack). If you want to waste men trying to "capture" me, then go ahead. Besides which, my family are currently in protective custody at Robertson Palace. I agreed to this because I didn't want them caught in the crossfire.

To Artredies: The best of luck in your campaign.

To Further Maths: You would have a hard time moving the civilians out without taking my palace anyway, so why bother?

Edit: my family were picked up from my fleet off the eastern coast by one of Robertson's Helicopters, just after the invasion began. They haven't even been in the country since the start of the war against Fanta Lemon.

Aaron, you do know that you've just sent an out numbered force against troops led by the Duke Atredies himself?

I hope you brought 500,000 body bags. This one's going to be messy.

Robertson is unable to respond until Monday, so no attacks on him until he is able to respond to them.

Here is an update for anyone who is currently wondering what is going on: my squad of ten elite bodyguards and I have stormed the main entrances to the palace. We killed 52 Further Mathematical men, in total, and suffered two losses of our own (all of this was discussed with Further Maths via MSN). I am currently inside the main command centre, which is known only to myself and my ten bodyguards.

In this room, I have access to all the interior defences, and all the hidden cameras. The keypad for this room is in a hidden compartment, and is also a fingerprint scanner (if anyone other than myself tries to enter the code, the main defences come online, allowing a 2 minute evacuation (for any visitors who might be in the building), before shooting anybody in the building who has not been registered with the palaces computer systems). Any attempt to get around this precaution will have the same result as an unorthorised keypad attempt.

The computerised security is almost unhackable. It can be hacked, but that requires being inside the command room (the security systems aren't connected to the internet, nor are they connected to the rest of the palace).

Dear me if only we all had impenetrable palaces...and amazing that you have crack troops that can kill so effectivly.....I have the men to spare, have fun with your bombing raids...I can assure you mine are doing a lot more damage than giving a few of my men a nasty sunburn....

It was agree'd beforehand that your family should be handed over to me for special treatment so lets not get too insulting.

I look forward to building a nice holiday home for myself in Utter madness....care to tell me the prime locations? I personally was looking for something in the mountains.

My troops advance on both fronts...yadda yadda...the whole of DRU is against you and you are forced to hide in your palace....please do just lie down and die....although i would be happy to just lay permanent siege to your palace if thats whats nessacary.

"Dear me if only we all had impenetrable palaces"

Impenetrable? I never said that. If it were impenetrable, it would never have been taken in the first place.

"I look forward to building a nice holiday home for myself in Utter madness....care to tell me the prime locations? I personally was looking for something in the mountains."

I don't know the best places to go, but if you find somewhere, please tell me where it is.

"It was agree'd beforehand that your family should be handed over to me for special treatment so lets not get too insulting."

Insulting? I never insulted you. I mearly stated that my family were in protective custody in Robertson palace. And that they haven't been inside my nation since the start of the war against Fanta Lemon.

"I have the men to spare, have fun with your bombing raids...I can assure you mine are doing a lot more damage than giving a few of my men a nasty sunburn...."

Napalm generally gives lethal sunburn, or at least one bad enough to make a person unable to fight. To large numbers of people. And if you think you have men to spare, remember that in both nations you are outnumbered by about 5 to 1 (500,000 against the 2,500,000 at my border, and more in the rest of the nation), and you think you have a chance with such a small force? When all I have to do is wait, while your troops tire themselves out getting to the battle field? I'm sorry, but no.

UMBC News broadcast

The civilian population is now being evacuated to the coast, where naval transport awaits them. Our bombers are now being escorted by fighters, in response to a number of fighters headed to support Aaronisia's invasion force. Also, the automatic AA cannons which were added to the city walls soon after the war against Fanta Lemon have been activated, and all military forces in the city, currently estimated to be approximately 50,000 in number, have been seen moving into the palace, and taking up defencive positions. Does this have anything to do with the commotion in the Royal Palace? We think so, but I doubt we'll know for certain until the end of this conflict. We bring you the following weather forcast, before we cease broadcasting, and head to the coast, as ordered by the Sultan.

You want to destroy my nation? Fine. I can live with that. But it'll take a lot more than this to make me give up (I'm too damn stubborn for that). You'll even be able to destroy my palace, although Robertson won't be too pleased, and neither will captain Thelonius (the person commanding his troops, who used to be a membe of that unit).

Well, my civilians are being evacuated anyway, so what the hell? If I have to go, I'll go out in style. The large fleet is being sent to cuise missile range of your capital city. You have 12 hours before it arrives, so I'd hurry up and pack. They are ordered to target your main palace, power stations, and anything else of any use to you. And the Collosus :D. The bombing runs continue as planned, using magnesium and napalm.

Inside the bunker.
The sultan gives a command to his unit of bodyguards over the radio: "Head to the command station immediately."

As they arrive, the door opens, and they go in. "Well, it looks like we're in for a long stay. I want you to give your all in the coming days, 'cause whether you do or not, you're still going to die, but if it were me, I'd rather go under biting and clawing. And taking as many of them down with me as possible."

He checks the food stores. "Enough for the rest of the year. If we're lucky..."

The men sit around the table, and start to eat. Just a normal meal, but enough to keep them going for a day or so. After the meal is over, they check their ammunition supplies, and clean their weapons. It's going to be a long night...

I throw down the gauntlet to you Aaron. Come and get me.

bump

well, this is a lively topic...

bump.

I'm just going to post this here, from the regional forum, so it is recorded in the wake of the coming trial.


"Father..."
"Yes, Captain"
"I've got a visual of the Sultan. Well, sort of. He's well camouflaged. Shall I go down and pick him up?"
"Yes. Drop immediately. Instruct the Aaronisian pilots to keep their distance until he is on board. And inform the Emperor when he is in our custody."
"Very good, Father."
"And then make for the DMZ."



The sultan drops all his weapons, and raises his hands, to show that he is no threat. He obeys all instructions, and boards the helicopter.



"Welcome, Your Excellency. I am Father Smith, and this is Father Thompson"
"You were wise to surrender to us. It was the only way."
"Other forces in this region would have been less merciful, if left unchecked."
"We would like to give you Reconciliation before your trial."
"I will hear your confession, if you are willing to give it."
"You are safe now."



"Well, I think I might just give a confesion. There is no reason not too, and priests aren't allowed to talk about what they hear in a confession." The sultan gives his confession. After all, it's only wise to be prepared.



"I absolve you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Hmmm. That's quite a list of sins. For your penance that tots up to... let me see... five hundred and three thousand, and sixty-two Hail Mary's"



"five hundred and three thousand, and sixty-two Hail Mary's"
I must be doing something right then...
The Sultan begins to pray.

The Sultan walks into the courtroom, under armed guard, muttering under his breath. Probably those Hail Marys. Anyway, he goes to the dock, along with a fairly inteligent looking, if slightly ragged, man sitting next to him. They talk to each other, once the current Hail Mary is finished, and decide on a plan of action. Well, the current laws are to do with the entire region, not just Aaronisia, so he's safe on that account. The charges he knows about are Stupidity, which is entirely opinion, Crimes against humanity (i.e. forcing Aaronisia to commit crimes against humanity), Annoying Aaron, and acts of aggression against Aaronisian troops. Well, Aaron's opinion isn't law in this particular court, which means Stupidity is out, and accusing the Sultan of forcing Aaron to commit crimes against humanity is complete Rubbish. As for annoying Aaron, that is only a crime in Aaronisia, not in the rest of the region. Acts of aggression is just stupid, since Utter Madness has always been a sovereign nation, and as such has always been allowed to defend her borders against invasion.

The Sultan thought about this, and discussed it with his defence council, and then continued to pray.

"All rise for the Judges, the honourable Heads of State of Despots R Us"

Nine doors open at the back of the room. Through the first, flanked by two Royal Guards in ceremonial blue and yellow, steps His Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson. He takes his seat, and waits for his fellow judges...

The charge of resisting arrest, murder and conspiracy to destruct property in Aaronisian terratory do however stand (IE after your nation had fallen blowing stuff up in my terratory, resisting arrest and killing my troops)

The Great Leader Aaron of Aaronisia walks from his door flanked by 2 Protection Squad troops in their crisp black uniforms. He does not wait for the others but merely walks to his seat.
The guards take up a vigal at his shoulders.
Behind Aaron their scurries a young aidé carrying many papers in his arms.

I recall warning you that any attempt to arrest me would lead to losses on your side. It is your fault if you do not heed that warning.

The Sultan stands as the announcer annouces the nine judges who would decide his fate. If they found him guilty, he would die. That was certain. It was quite likely that he would die if found innocent, only his body would never be found.

The Holy Emperor looks up from his watch, and coughs, pointedly.

"Ahem. Shouldn't we wait until our colleagues arrive before we start arguing the case? Now then, I would quite like a nice - "

Before he has finished his sentence Mrs. Wilberforce is at his side handing him a cup of tea.

"Thank you, Mrs. Wilberforce. *Slurp. Glug. Gasp.* Once again you have excelled yourself."

so yeah!!! i've arrived. i've settled myself in the courtroom and my tea is still not here!!!!! what kind of useless place is this!! i'm cuddling my teddybear!!! and my wabbit and tigger is on the look out!!! they're so cute!!! so when does it all kick off?

After the embarassed silence, the Holy Emperor takes a little hand bell out of his pocket and rings it.

Mrs. Wilberforces arrives. She pours the Jellyland Queen a cup of tea. And an imaginary one for her teddy bear.

so my back's already started hurting. i would just like to request a few things to make my stay more comfy. my tiger needs some wool or something to play with, and i would also like a blanket and a cushion. also i would like a bell so that i can play... i mean take home with me as a reminder of this place.

The Holy Emperor looks rather baffled for a moment. But he's a kindly man, and prides himself on being an excellent host. He rings for Mrs. Wilberforce who, by a staggering coincidence, arrives with a blanket, a cushion, and a ball of wool.

Gesturing to one of his guards, who steps forward, the Emperor takes out another bell and hands it to him.

The guard walks over to Queen Carol, gives it to her, and bows himself back to his post.

thank you!

"You are welcome, Your Majesty. I pride myself on treating guests well, and there is no reason we shouldn't be comfortable while we wait for our fellow judges."

The Holy Emperor considers for a minute.

"In fact, how about some - ah, thank you Mrs. Wilberforce. How do you do that?"

He proceeds to eat a chocolate biscuit. McVities. Mmm.

High highness, the royal overlord of Distopistry saunters down the centre of the courtroom, flanked by his two guards looking nifty in their cerimonional armour. Reaching the raised disasis, he pulls back his seat and sits down, nodding to the room.

At a short hand signal from the overlord, another procession starts down the courtroom. The Duke Atredies looks every inch the war hero in his crisp black and green uniform. He sits on the witness bench, slightly to the left of the judges, facing King Aaron; nodding amicably to the king whose deviousness matches the Dukes own. His hands are uncuffed but he is surrounded by four "honour guards", armed with hard-foam bullet loaded guns.

His highness of Distopistry glances at Queen Carol, does a double take and smiles winningly to her. Whispering to one of his guards, it is only a short time before some milk laced with goats blood is placed before her tiger and the queen herself is delivered some fresh, strong oolong tea.

Looking as though he has just remembered something, the Holy Emperor rings his bell, and in walk Lt. Smith of the Royal Guard, and Father Thompson. They proceed to the witness bench, and sit by the Duke and his guards.

Then Mrs. Wilberforce appears, with a cup of even nicer tea and the raw leg of some poor deceased animal. They are promptly delivered to the Queen.

The Holy Emperor glares smugly at the Overlord.

"For the last time, I don't need confession. I have had it 4 times already today. The only sin I've committed since then is wanting to strangle a priest with my bare hands!" Shouts the beleagured Smith.

He looks around sheepishly, as his words echo around the courtroom and everybody looks at him.

"Er... I'm sorry, did I say that out loud? Yes. Well, um. Yes."

He hangs his head in shame.

Seeing victory, Fr. Thompson moves in for the imminent Reconciliation.

chocolate biscuits. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........

"You like chocolate biscuits? Oh good."

Ring

Mrs. Wilberforce produces a large tray full of chocolate biscuits of all kinds and puts them next to the Queen.

this is so nice! everyone is being very very generous! how much longer will this wait be? can i kill... i mean play while we wait?

"While there can be no killing here, playing isn't a problem. We shouldn't have to wait much longer. Chess anyone?"

With a click and a hum, a chess table extends from the floor between the Holy Emperor and the Distopistrian Overlord. The pieces are finely crafted, with Kings looking like the rulers themselves, and pawns wearing the uniforms of the respective militaries.

It was probably made for the occaision.

Queen Sarah walks in wearing red chiffon and a pair of shades. Her bulkily built guards walk beside her in black velvet robes and silly bearskin hats. Underneath, they wear the compulsory frilly blouses of Decadence and Opulance, and sport the compulsory pudding-basin haircuts also.

*winks at Parker*

"Biscuits...oooh, goody, don't mind if I do?"

*sits down on the most luxuriously cushioned seat available*

The President (by name only) Salutious catches a plane to the Capital of Further Maths, accompanied by four men, two of whom quite thin, and not entirely confident looking. There is a bulge under each of their coats, the outline of a taser weapon (near-future-technology nation, though no WMDs). They are guarding him. The other two seem quite relaxed, and no weapons can be seen. They are the catering staff (the president is a little bit paranoid). Upon arriving in Further Maths, he walks towards the palace, and enters via the main entrance. He finds a guard.

"Hello my good man. I understand there is a trial going on. Could you give me directions?" he says with a rasping voice.

The guard tells him where the trial is taking place, and he, along with his bodyguards, head off to the court. The caterers head to the kitchen. As he arrives in the court, and is searched. He sits down, after he and his guards are found to have no weapons capable of lethal force, with Aaron between him and the judges' entrance, with his guards on either flank. He presses a button in his jacket, and one of the two caterers he brought with him walks though the door, with a cup of coffee.

"Greetings. I don't mean to be rude, but I have had quite a long flight, and I would rather remain awake through the trial. And I don't quite trust other people's catering staff. Nothing personal, I'm just not a trusting man."

He takes off his scarf, revealing a scar just above his larynx, and drinks his coffee.

The Sultan, mid-prayer, sees the president, and realises that they have never met. "Must be from the new country, Despoland," he thinks. Finishing yet another Hail Mary, he begins a new one. He's not that far off finishing his penence now, only about half way, and he started when he was arrested, and has only stopped to eat, sleep, drink, and talk to his lawyer, who insists that everything will be alright, because there is no case to answer. But he continues praying anyway. Might as well. No harm in being prepared, and no one wants to spend an eternity in Hell...

Welcome to Further Maths, Mr. President. I have to say, I would trust Mrs. Wilberforce with my life, and as such, I cannot see your caterers being necessary. Never mind. They may use the kitchens to their hearts's content.

Thanks for coming, Queen Sarah. We're nearly all here.

And I would like to thank you all for submitting to being searched upon arrival. I realise that most of you will not be accustomed to this, but there can be no lethal weapons in this courtroom. Especially Aaron; I can imagine you didn't like being searched, but you can see it is necessary.

It's not that I don't trust you all, it's just...

No, no, that's it. I don't trust you all. :lol:

And now we await the arrival of the leaders of Blocko Land and North Manchester.

I trust that Great Leader Aaron and Sultan Parker have their cases sorted out?

King Aaron? The Great Leader will suffice.

And does your hospitality extend so far to allow me to go kick the priests up the arse every time they ask for my confession?

If not I'll have a cup of tea and some custard creams.

In the mean time he strikes up a conversation with the Duke"

"Tell me, Duke Atredies what do you think is the best method of dealing with cowards in the army...."

"While the custard creams are fine,"

Custard creams are presented to the Great Leader

"anybody who shows violence towards a priest, or any citizen of my nation, will be returned to their own country, and not invited back."

"How's about a song to pass the time? Anyone? Go on, I'll start."

Coughs

"I am the very model of a modern Holy Emperor
I've information vegetable animal and mineral
I know the 10 Commandments and I quote the names Apostolic
From Barnabas to Doubting Tom in order categorical...

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animaculous
In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Holy Emperor"

His guards link elbows and do a jig, singing

"In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Holy Emperor."

They are interrupted as Lt. Smith jumps to his feet, tears a large tuft out of his hair and screams:
"For the love of God, make the crazy man stop singing. AAAARRGH!"
He then proceeds to start eating his hair, and is escorted from the room for a lie down and a glass of water.

The Holy Emperor sits down, and coughs, quietly. "Oh. Well then. Ahem. Sorry about that. I just get a little bored. You know how it is."

(Only just spotted this. Will soon join in.)

Thank you, Soup Dragon. But it would be more appropriate if you joined in as Blocko Land. As important as Clangese relations are in Further Maths, and the wider region, you can't be a judge. Only Blocko Land can. I presume that is what you meant though.

(Of course that's what I meant, you profoundly silly person. And the rest of the region doesn't have any relations with the Clangers. But anyway...)


The Grand Duke Roberts, head of the glorious isolationist paradise that is Blocko Land, arrives in the Courtroom with a flourish of a particularly unwieldly ceremonial sceptre, and a bit of a stumble over an incredibly uncomfortable ceremonial robe.
He would have got there sooner, but felt it wisest to wait outside for a while while somone dealt with whatever that horrible noise was emminating from inside.
He heads first for the tea, then for his seat.

(ooc: Yep: I have my case ready. *holds up a big briefcase.* See?)

The Sultan continues to pray, quite to the bafflement of other members of the court (the ones who don't know about his penance), and looks up, seeing the Leader of Blockoland, regcognisable only by the fact he seems to be a judge.

"Oh goody," he thinks to himself, "another familiar face. Or not. Oh well, no reasonable jury, or judge, for that matter, would find me guilty on his evidence, or lack thereof..."

"Thank you, your excellency. I am glad you didn't take it personally. You may consider them to be members of your catering staff for the duration of this trial. They are very good at their jobs, and there are quite a few people here."

This is his cue to call the pair in, and he whispers softly in their ears. With abosolutely no change in facial expression, they head back to the kitchens.

"Sorry I'm late, everybody" says Queen Fiona, as she enters the courtroom, resplendant in her robes and flanked by two armoured siberian tigers.

"You've no idea how difficult it is to get large and dangerous animals through customs in this country."

She smiles at her brother, the Holy Emperor, and takes her seat.

"mmm. Chocolate Biscuits" she says, the family resemblance showing through.

(This was written by Christopher because I was ill)

The Great Leader shares a brief look with his senior bodyguard...eyes roll

Can we get on with this please?

There will be no more eye rolling. I am not the man insisting on a pointless series of nonsense charges being put to trial.

We will wait until nine. The leader of North Manchester has yet to arrive.

The defence lawyer begins to put his notes into order. He does it in a relaxed way, however, and doesn't seem too worried about the outcome of the trial. The Sultan, on the other hand, is continuing to pray, and he's about three quarters of the way through now. He should be finished by the end of the trial. How convenient...

The pair of them continue waiting, in their own different ways, for the final judge's seat to be occupied.

The Holy Emperor gestures for one of his guards to step forward. He whispers a set of instructions and the guard nods. The guard proceeds to take out a small communications device and speak into it.

Seconds later, having obviously received a reply from the people at the other end through his earpiece, the guard whispers something to the Holy Emperor, and returns to his post.

"It does not look like the final judge will arrive in time, you know." Said the benevolent dictator of over 1 billion Catholics. "My intelligence service has just informed me that he hasn't looked at his inbox in almost a fortnight. He doesn't even know this trial is happening."

He takes out a half-hunter gold pocket watch on a chain that belonged to his Great-Grandfather, and checks the time.

"We will wait half an hour. And then the trial will commence with or without President Alex. Eight judges should be enough, don't you think?"

He rings a bell, and one of the Despovian caterers arrives with another tray of tea and biscuits.

"I say, Mr. President", says the Holy Emperor with his mouth full of chocolate biscuits (mmm), "These caterers are very good. I might try and steal them off you. Mrs. Wilberforce has always wanted an assistant."

Lets cut all these procrastinations. Being a queen I don’t often climb out of the window, but with all this waiting around and eating, I am very tempted to do so. My tiger as wondered off to the roof and is now trying to catch a bird. If he falls off the roof I will not be happy.

The sonorous bells of St. Christopher's Basilica mark the hour.

"Be seated" shouts the announcer.

"Right. The trial commences. Sergeant?"

One of the guards steps forward.

"Yes, Emperor?"

"Lock the main doors. Jam all transmissions. Hand out these bells, so people can call for refreshments the old fashioned way."

"Yes, sire"

*Failed attempt at picture inclusion*

I will train any caterers you wish to hire as assistants to Mrs. Wilberforce to the standards of the ones I brought with me. These two, however, are mine.

ooc: just a map for all the people here:

edit well, it didn't want to post. Right click here (http://uk.geocities.com/despotsrus/courtroom.jpg), and click save target as.

"Sultan Parker, you stand accused of ..."

The Holy Emperor looks at the file in front of him.

"No, that can't be right. Well, anyway, you stand accused of something. I think we'll have to ask the Counsel for the Prosecution to read out the charges. I doubt I'll be able to keep a straight face."

"Do we have a Counsel for the Prosecution? If we do, could he please step forward and read out the charges?"

He glances pointedly at the Great Leader's aide.

The Sultan stands, waiting to hear the charges, and to plead not guilty. He is still praying under his breath.

The aide waits for confermation from the Great Leader before he begins...he has a young bride and child on the way and does not want to take chances.

The Great Leader nods once and the aide walks to the procacution bench.

"Great Leader, Honoured Statesmen and Women of Despots R Us we are gathered here today in order to begin the trial of the corrupt and evil former sultan on the now conquered land of "Utter Madness". The aim of the prosacution is not to argue with his conduct of the war or violations of laws before the war but rather to prove that he is guilty of crimes after the date at which he ceased to be ruler of the disbanded land".

The Great Leader does not blink, does not move, he watches the man closely to make sure that he knows in his heart and soul that if he gets this wrong he will never see his family again.

"The Charges we wish to place against the so called sultan are those of:
1. Murder of Aaronisian governmental forces.
2. Attempted murder of Aaronisian governmental forces.
3. Destruction of property in Aaronisian terratory.
4. Resisting arrest
5. Terrorism"

"As these charges are concerning events that took place after the downfall of Utter Madness and in terratory controlled by Aaronisia there can be no real defence of national self defence or other such things...he unlawfully murdered and injured with the intent of murdering Aaronisian troops and law enforcement officers, destroyed property and commited terrorist acts against the state of Aaronisia and its allies in the RRF controlled former state of Utter Madness"

The Great Leader nods his head...he has done well...he speaks now to the defendent.

"How do you plead?"

The Holy Emperor shares a puzzled look with the Distopistrian High Highness.

"Before we ask for his plea, can we just get a couple of things straight? I'm not sure there's a case to answer for here. We don't want to waste the time of this tribunal."

He places a pince nez on his nose, and looks at the papers in front of him.

"According to pretty much all rules of engagement, a nation is not conquered until an official surrender has been put forward, or every single fighting man, woman and child has been neutralised. None of these charges took place after the Sultan's surrender, which didn't take place until he stepped on board my helicopter."

No, thats actually not true....for instance in Iraq there was no surrender and it has been the case in many military conflicts before...we had by that point decided to divide the country up and so by international and DRU law the state no longer existed.

"I would still contest the point. But the case is not entirely without validity. I am willing to let these charges stand trial."

The Holy Emperor removed his pince nez. He didn't need them anyway.

The Sultan's defence counsel says, "My Client pleads not guilty."

The Sultan of Utter Madness, having sat down after the plea was given, decides, continues to pray under his breath. He's completely composed, other than that...

The Great Leader looks up, a small smile crossing his face for a brief instant.

"Then there shall be no leniency if you are found guilty of any charg, you do understand this, do you not? I know how you have become slightly unbalanced in these last few weeks and do not want you doing anything rash".

While no one was looking Queen Fiona picked up a chocolate biscuit and threw it at Christopher for no apparent reason at all.

The Distropian majesty looks very bored with these proceedings. A quiet conversation with Aaron outside had helped settle his vote.

Dammit, I wish they would hurry up.... I just want my land and income from all these new taxes He though, wicked and evil person that he is.

With a mischevous wave of his hand, one of his guards also threw a chocolate biscuit at Emperor Robertson, hitting him squarely on the nose. His highness sniggered. Things were looking up.


Contrastingly, the Duke Atredies was beginning to worry. He wished he could at least have a last meal, some kind of cake like mother used to make... anything!

The Holy Emperor picks a crumb off his cheek. He calls for Mrs. Wilberforce who confiscates all the chocolate biscuits.

The Duke stood up.

"We've been here for a few hours now, may I suggest some refreshments before I deliever my expert evaluation?"

The Holy Emperor looks daggers at the Distopistrian traitor, but being a jolly decent chap, he says
"I suppose so. But no more chocolate biscuits; people seem to prefer throwing them at me to eating them." He rings the bell. "Let them eat cake!"

Queen Fiona drops her head in her hands.
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. :/ What am I going to throw now?" she moans.
She strokes her tiger bodygaurd. Don't worry my darling we'll find something else to throw.............................. or do. She rubs her hands together looking evil.

Nothing comes to mind so she brings out her gameboy advance SP. The annoying poke'mon music fills the room.

ooc: sorry I'm late, I've not been able to get to a computer.

The Sultan ignores the obvious insult. He too is somewhat hungry, but the likelyhood of receiving anything while on trial is nil to none.

The two Despolish caterers go to the door, from the kitchens, each with a trolley containing boxes of cakes. They are stopped to be scanned at the entrance to the main doorway.

"Could you just wait there, please?" Said Sergeant Colon of the Royal Guard, to the waiting caterers. "Corporal, is the scanner ready?"

Corporal Nobbs looks at the control panel. "I must just adjust the adjustment adjuster, and then it'll be ready"

The Corporal just adjusts the adjustment adjuster.

"I've just adjusted the adjustment adjuster, Sarge."

"Good work, Nobby. You adjust the adjustment adjuster very well."

"Ah well, sir, we get special training in how to just adjust the -"

They are interrupted in their rather pointless exchange by the impatient cough of one of the caterers. The bell rings again within the courtroom; the Holy Emperor is obviously growing impatient.

"Oh dear." Said the Corporal.

"What? What oh dear?" replied the Sergeant.

"The scanner has, suddenly, and for no apparent reason, stopped working."

"Oh dear." Said the Sergeant.

"Oh dear oh dear." Replied the Corporal.

"Oh dear oh dear oh d -"

"Could we please hurry this along, Sergeant" Said an exasperated Despovian caterer.

"What? Oh, right. Yes. Erm, the scanners not working. Do you have any weapons?"

"No"

"Do you promise?"

"Yes"

"That'll do, I think. What do you think, Nobby?"

"I think that'll do too, Sarge. I'm dying for a cig."

The two highly elite and intelligent guards step aside and open the door, allowing the two Despovian caterers, a pot of what is now rather cold tea, and a box of cakes pass through into the courtroom beyond.

"Ah there you are." Said the Holy Emperor. "Mr. President, maybe I'll stick with Mrs. Wilberforce in future. These two are a tad tardy. Now, please, pass round the cakes. I think the Duke wants one."

Four grim looking, and really very intelligent guards replace Colon and Nobbs. The scanner starts working again, and no apparent adjusting of the adjustment adjuster took place to cause this.

Accepting the box, the duke opened it and gazed at the cake. Near inches of iceing were looking at him, waiting to be devoured.
Still, the box had felt a little heavy.

Just as planned, really.

With a sharp flick of his hand his four 'guards' volted over the witness stand. The four unsheathed their battons, swinging them at the Great Leader Aaron's two surprised and unprepared guards. Aaron's protection compromised, the Duke Atredies pulled the semi-automatic pistol from the cake and started to fire. From near point blank range, he emptied exactly seven rounds into the Great Leaders forehead then most of the rest of the clip into his body, saving two bullets to dispatch the guards.

A huge cheer errupted from the whole assembly.

"Strange... they are usually very good. Perhaps there was a hold-up when they were scanned."

The two Caterers head to the duke first, since he is closest, and one of them pulls up a box of cakes. He hands the box to the Duke, and says, "So sorry about the delay. I'd go for the ones at the bottom if I were you. They'll be fresher. We had the foresight to put tea-cosies on top of the teapots, so the tea should still be fairly warm."

"I say. That just wasn't cricket." Said the Holy Emperor, composing himself after spontaneously almost cheering. The room was full of Royal Guards, who had removed the weapons, taken the four fake guards and the Duke Atreides away.

"Somebody get rid of ... those..." he said, glancing distastefully at the floor to his side.

Silence decended, apart from the undisturbed Pokemon music.

ooc: this is from utter madness:

The Sultan smiles, not entirely surprised, and says, "Now that there is no longer a consel for the prosecution, I suppose these ridiculous charges against me are dropped."

Not entirely noticing what just happened Queen Fiona was having a little celebration of her own:

"Yes! Die you evil gym leader you!"

She looked up from her game and noticed what just happened.

"Well that wasn't very nice."

"Actually, Parker, I think there is still a counsel for the prosecution."

The Holy Emperor Robertson pulls out the cowaring Aaronisian lawyer from behind a bench.

"Well, old chap, you're free. You do not have to remain here unless you wish to. But if you do wish to continue pressing charges you may do so."

He then puts his face closer to the jibbering lawyer, and his voice suddenly grows much louder. The Holy Emperor's guards appear behind the lawyer and loom.

"But I'd go home if I were you!"

A rather dead looking Leader of Aaronisia slumps to the floor as does one dead guard and another severely injured and screaming for help.

The Aidé however knows too well and keeps his mouth shut.

Meanwhile back in the Leaders stateroom a high ranking guard walks into a darkened room and reports the shooting to a shadowey figure behind the desk.

The man gives a short, sardonic laugh upon hearing the news.
"A real pity...it is so hard to find convincing doubles these days...even harder to find allies you can trust. We are leaving. Inform his Holiness that we wish the Duke and Sultan extradited to Aaronisia for trial. The Duke will now also be charged with attempted murder of the Great Leader and murder of an Aaronisian citizen. The trial of the sultan will continue in Aaronisia. If not I can keep sending lawyers until hell freezes over."

He gets up to leave, but as an afterthought puts on protective body armour.

"Order. ORDER!" Shouts the Holy Emperor.

"In the wake of this tragic assassination, I am adjourning this hearing until tomorrow."

He stands to leave, as does everybody else. Flanked by his two guards, he leaves through his private door, and is immediately joined by 38 more Royal Guards. He makes his way to the Aaronisian State Chambers.

"Where are we?" said the Aaronisian guard.

"I... don't know. Er, weren't we just shot?" replied Aaron's double.

"Well if we weren't, the Holy Emperor Robertson must spend a lot on special effects."

They stood - well, they stood nowhere. It is impossible for the human mind to contemplate, but their surroundings were totally clear and colourless, for ever in every direction.

They circled a few times, seeing less than nothing. Then they turned around again and were no longer alone.

"Who are you?" said the double.

"You can call me Pete." Said the gentleman standing beside them. He wore a simple, dusty robe, and carried a fishing net over his shoulder.

The double remembered some of the Dogma that had been forced upon his every waking moment since arrival in Further Maths.

"Oh." He said, simply, and dropped to his knees in a bow.

"Stand up", said the fisher of men. "I am only a man, after all."

The double stood. The guard still looked confused. "Are we dead?" He asked matter-of-factly. Death was always a significant occupational hazard for anybody who worked close to the Great Leader Aaron, for example, living in the same country as him.

"Well, that all depends upon your definition of the word 'death'" said the keeper of the Key.

"How many definitions of 'death' are there? I thought it was a fairly well defined concept." Said the guard.

"Ah yes," said Peter, "But you never really expected me to be here, did you?"

"Well, no. So what happens now?"

"You're free of him. Free forever. I don't think you'll see him again, some how."

"Oh, well, that's nice. How can you be sure?" Said the double, who hadn't been free of Aaron since the Great Leader noticed the striking resemblance they shared. He had spent four years locked in a cell with an iron mask on his face.

"Because of HIM."

"Him?"

"No, no, HIM. It's all in the annunciation."

"Don't you mean pronunciation?"

"Friend, I'm over 2000 years old. I have read every edition of the Da Vinci Dictionary ever published. I know what I mean."

"Who is HiM?"

There was an eternal silence. Then a voice filled the void. A voice as terrible as a raging storm at sea, and as serene as a spring breeze. A voice as loud as a Salvation Army Band, and as quite as a silent prayer. A voice - no, the voice

I am Who I Am

They turned around, and beheld the Countenance.

They prostrated themselves instinctively. Both of them found, in that face, such a sense of belonging as they had never known. They had found their home, and they would never have to leave again.

I am He Who can help you, when you are dead.

And HE embraced them.

...right, well, umm....anyways...

Things are moving out of even my control around here...the extent of the plot is deep I suspect and back home in Aaronisia the military High Command are beginning to get a bit out of hand. There will be severe repercussions for this atrocious act of violance in the houses of justice in Further Maths.

The nation of Despo Land has attracted the attentions of my nation...I'd start getting out the white sheets now if I were you.

Distopistry, I want the Duke to be sent to Aaronisia. I promise he will never bother you again.

And Parker, I promise no matter the outcome of this trial you will not lead a very pleasent existance for the rest of you natural, albeit unnaturally short, life.

There are peple in DRU who have set in motion events not even I am sure I can do anything to prevent.

OOC: Well, since everyone seems to have forgotten about the bodyguards, and since I do get to decide their fate, I think it's fair to assume that perhaps two of them actually made it to safety.

Two men entered the airport. No one really noticed them, but that's understandable, since they are trained in not being noticed. They showed their passports, and went onto the plane. The pilot announced "Flight 13 to Further Maths", and thus the plane departed. The two men seemed to blend in quite well, and when they got off, they presented their passports, and headed to the Palace reception.

"We'd like to apply for jobs. As servants," said one of the two men. They handed in a CV each, and told them where they would be staying while the application was processed. They then went to the B&B they had mentioned, and paid for one night, under a name given to them by their old employer.

"Well well well. I understand your boss is on trial," said the old man at the B&B. "It might be a good idea to forget that name."

"We know. But could you provide us with..."

And so the conversation continued, after which they went to bed.

OOC: The two men are now equipped with a Fabrique Nationale Five-seveN pistol with silencer, a lockpick, and a bullet proof vest each.

OOC: Life Everlasting, by the way, is a puppet of Robertson's.

Aaron, personally I would love to give you the Duke. Unfortunatly, he's very popular in Distopistry. Te entire population would rise up in arms if I were to mearly hand him over to a foreign despot.

Still, were you to come in person to pick him up, that would work.

Also, aren't you in trouble for contempt of court?

No, using doubles is allowed...and he was technically me.

"Can I go home yet?" said Queen Fiona who wasn't listening and seemed bored since she had already completed her poke'mon game.

Her two tigers were "playing" with some citizen who was attempting to leave. One took his left shoe and the other took his right. These were strategic tigers.

I think he's reffering to submitting a false judge. The nation leaders are allowed to be judges. Not the nation leaders' doubles.

"Leaving so soon, Your Excellency?" said the Holy Emperor, as he arrived on the Aaronisian leader's guest level.

"I can assure you that the flaws in the security have been dealt with. You are safe now. You can return to your quarters and will do so now, in fact. I will post my own guards at all exits. You do not need to worry about people getting you while you are here. As such, and for your own security, here you will remain until further notice is given."

Parker, speak when spoken to, you are on trial not me.

And Chris, would you prefer the Aaronisian army came to fetch me? Certainly thats what will happen, no matter if I authorise it or not.

ooc: We may not like each other, Aaron, but that is no call to be rude. What I said was out of character, and therefore, of no importance to the trial. Or the rest of the roleplay. Also, might I suggest you took a look at Robertson's Allies? If your troops were to attempt an invasion of Further Maths, they would be obliterated, as would the rest of your military in the retalitory strike which followed. Further Maths, and his allies for that matter are older than Aaronisia, and that's isn't counting the ones outside of the region. You would do well to warn your generals not to try anything.

Notwithstanding the fact that your combined military would not be able to pass the Cartesian Fortress, Descartes, which is the nearest county to your border, your military cannot be sure of your incarceration. The Palace is in a state of shutdown. You are not the only one who will remain here. Nobody comes in and nobody leaves until the situation is resolved. And I will be the judge of that.

It is for your own good; I could not bear the thought that I was in some way responsible for your death by letting you out of the relative security of the Palace into a country and indeed a region where you are not, it has to be said, Mr. Popular.

And besides, you are not a prisoner; you are a guest. Just a high security guest, given the unfortunate attempt on your life.

You have the run of the palace.

And I don't know if you recall, but most of the regional military has been stationed on our border since before the First Drew War, Aaron. On training exercises, of course. Thelonius's fortress in Descartes might not even need to mobilise.

Regional historians may find it interesting to know that, throughout the history of The Most Sincerely Holy Empire of Further Maths, it has never been invaded.
Certain regional leaders would be advised to contemplate why this is.

Oh, and for added security, and to ensure a fair trial for the three people who will be brought to justice during this assembly, every judge will submit to a DNA scan before being allowed to enter the court. Anybody who is not who they are supposed to be will be arrested, as will the person they were supposed to be, and both will be held in contempt of court. The penalty for that is Compulsary Rehabilitation.

It has to be advised that the penalty for being and enemy at war in Further Maths is death. The Church permits killing only in a just war. And as such, should a nation go to war with me while I have their leader as my guest, their leader will be executed.

And I've read the evil overlord rules. Not that I'm evil, but it does to be prepared. The guilty party will simply be locked in a chamber and vapourised immediately.

Have a nice day.

As long as I am in "protective custody" I am not in control of Aaronisia..if I ever get out of here its gonna be a right bloody mess to sort out, and if not then I will die and my nation will go down with me...just a shame I could not live to see the fireworks.

I will submit to these tests as long as you can assure me nothing of this nature happens again-alive but unable to move the Aaronisian government will be wary to move. Dead and they will be able to act without fear of retaliation from me. They don't think like you or I do and would be happy to die for the nation so long as a few million others are taken with them...and do not forget Aaronisia also has allies abroad.

The trial will be swift as will the judgement I hope?

"Send Father Clyde in here, please."

"Yes, Emperor."

Minutes later, the Royal Translator enters the room.

"You wanted to see me, Emperor?"

"Yes. I know. Take a look at this:"

As long as I am in "protective custody" I am not in control of Aaronisia..if I ever get out of here its gonna be a right bloody mess to sort out, and if not then I will die and my nation will go down with me...just a shame I could not live to see the fireworks.

I will submit to these tests as long as you can assure me nothing of this nature happens again-alive but unable to move the Aaronisian government will be wary to move. Dead and they will be able to act without fear of retaliation from me. They don't think like you or I do and would be happy to die for the nation so long as a few million others are taken with them...and do not forget Aaronisia also has allies abroad.

The trial will be swift as will the judgement I hope?

"Is it possible, Father, that this is a promise of cooperation?"

"Hmmm. It seems to be, Emperor. Yes. Yes I would say it is certainly in the spirit of cooperation."

"Really? Most interesting. Thank you Father."

"May I interest the Emperor in -"

"No. No you may not. You can go now."

OOC: Thank you for being so reasonable, Aaron. We will continue the trial tonight. We will begin by hearing your case, in full. You may call witnesses etc, and give irrefutable evidence of your charges.

"Commander, have you completed the scans?"

"Yes, Emperor. The room is clean."

"Good. Seal the tenth door, the North Mancunian one; it will not be used. As for the other 9, post the very best guards. Call the Professor. I want DNA and weapon scanners at every door. And 12 guards at each. Ensure that Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs are NOT among them. There can be no mistakes this time."

"Very good, Emperor."

"And when you are scanning DNA, take 42 samples from random parts of every body. I don't want a finger nail transplant fooling your checks."

"Yes, Emperor."

"And, in fact, erect a bullet proof screen in front of the judges table. I don't want anything to go wrong this time. If I insist that the judges show up in person, I have to be able to give them a 100% guarantee of safety."

The guard sighed. "Yes, Emperor."

The Emperor fusses too much, he thought.

"And make sure that the only person to enter the room during the trial is Mrs. Wilberforce. And do a DNA test on her too. Every time. And scan her for weapons."

"Yes, sire."

"Oh, and ask Queen's Fiona and Carol to file the claws and teeth of their tigers. They're a little too sharp for my liking. Have the Royal vets see to it."

"Yes, sir. Sir?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"The press are calling every five minutes. They want to know why the palace is in total lock down."

"Tell them that it is necessary to ensure the security of the Heads of State that are my guests. Do not let them know about the shooting. Anybody who slips up this time will suffer my most extreme displeasure. I might even extradite them to Aaronisia."

The guard looked up sharply and gulped.

"We shall double our efforts! There will be no mistakes."

"I hope so, Commander, for your sake. The Great Leader is not as forgiving as I am"

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor Robertson, Protector of Further Maths, Founding Delegate of Despots R Us, DRURRF Security Council Permanent Member, RDA Member, Honourary Duke of Clangerland, Honourary Professor of Physics at the Da Vinci Institute, Servant of the Servant of the Servant of God, left the courtroom, flanked by the Royal Guards, while an unseen orchestra played the Imperial March.

"Ah, Commander. Have you finished yet?"

"Yes, Emperor. The courtroom is currently the statistically safest place in the known universe."

"Did you remember to -"

"Yes, sir."

"And to -"

"Yes, sir."

"Well what about -"

"Emperor, I assure you, everything is taken care of."

"But what about -"

"Yes, sir, I've even done that."

Royal Guards get special training in anticipating orders.

"Good. Well done."

A random priest wandered up to him.

"Ah, Emperor, how about you take a few minutes to -"

"No, thank you, Father. Not now. Not even in five minutes. Not, in fact, at all today."
The Holy Emperor leaned over the about-to-object priest.
"Now go away. And I mean that with the utmost respect."

"Yes, sir. Of course"

In Further Maths, nobody needed special training to anticipate what the priests were going to say.

The Holy Emperor set out for the courtroom, to reopen the proceedings. It wasn't long before another priest wandered up. Before the cleric even said a word, two guards were frogmarching him in the opposite direction. They really were very good at anticipating orders.

Into the courtroom stepped The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor Robertson. He took his seat, now behind several inches of leaded glass. His two guards took up their positions.

To the clerk of the court he said:
"Send for the defendant. The witnesses can wait outside now until called for. And we will await the other judges."

And he took out his rosary, while he waited. The Mysteries of the Light...

OOC: To save time, and because we've already done the grand entrances, I think we can assume that the judges arrive in good time, are scanned, and enter. As such, it will be assumed that they, along with Parker, are already here now. You don't need to announce your arrival.Otherwise, this trial will go on ad nauseum and there will be no resolution, and probably a fading out. The arguments must be presented, first by Aaron, then by Parker. Witnesses may be called, and they will be 'played' by their nation of birth. The Duke may be called, but I think he can have Further Mathematical guards, so as to make sure there's no funny business. And he can starve, as far as I'm concerned. And then we will draw our conclusions as judges. I think we'll set a time limit on that. Any other comments on how the trial should proceed? Send your answers, on a postcard, to The Emperor, Further Maths. Hehe. And then the Duke will be brought to justice for Extreme Naughtiness. And then a constitution can be drawn up.

1. Murder of Aaronisian governmental forces.
2. Attempted murder of Aaronisian governmental forces.
3. Destruction of property in Aaronisian terratory.
4. Resisting arrest
5. Terrorism

As these charges are concerning events that took place after the downfall of Utter Madness and in terratory controlled by Aaronisia there can be no real defence of national self defence or other such things...he unlawfully murdered and injured with the intent of murdering Aaronisian troops and law enforcement officers, destroyed property and commited terrorist acts against the state of Aaronisia and its allies in the RRF controlled former state of Utter Madness
On the first and second charges it is quite clear through confessions given at the time through broadcasts that the sultan was fighting with the intention of and succeding to kill Aaronisian troops attempting to aprehend the accused.
There are several bodies that can be used in evidence and to feed the cats with during the trial if you want.
*unsure looking guards at one of the doors look to Chris for advice on whats about to come through*
And as you Chris were there during one live conversation in MSN I take it that this fact is not in dispute?

The third charge is relating to property destroyed by the "sultan" while resisting arrest...unfortunatly I couldn't bring destroyed farmhouses but there is video evidence to support this.
*the guards look slightly releived to see a perfectly normal looking TV rather than...the other things there...though again look to his holiness for advice.*

Resisting arrest...well, I think that ties in quite nicely with the other 3 charges really though we shall I suppose have to be lenient when deciding punishment for this charge as he did give himself up in the end, but after a protracted fight.

And terrorism...well, going around with large weapons, shooting at troops and civilians alike in an attempt to destabalise the ruling Aaronisian regeme in the area as well as carrying explosives strapped to your body with the intent of becoming a suicide bomber are in my book counted as terrorism, as surely others in the court would agree.

Are there any other charges anyone else want to add and argue? No, I'll assume not and if there are you can defend against them as they come, but for now parker I think its time to begin your defence.

First of all, it was an illegal arrest in the first place. The charges were Stupidity, Crimes against humanity (forcing you to commit crimes against humanity), and annoying the great leader Aaron. I have never in my entire life heard such ridiculous charges, ones that weren't crimes even if you could prove them.

Therefore, since the arrest was illegal, not only was I well within my rights to resist it, but I was well within my rights to use lethal force in defence of my own life. And I did not shoot at any civilians, nor did I attack any civilian property, while on the run, and even if I had, I would hardly make this worse for myself by leaving footage of myself commiting the crime! I believe that that is reasonable doubt cast on your charges: I don't have to prove myself innocent, you have to prove me guilty, and I have yet to see any conclusive proof, other than footage of a building being destroyed by a person who can't be positively identified as me. And for the record, I had no intention of commiting suicide. The whole point was for you to believe that I would, so that when my suicide pack exploded in the middle of the forest, you would believe I had commited suicide.

So now I prosecute you for something else entirely: Perverting the course of justice. If you have any footage of me attacking civilians, that is only because you hired a man who looks close enough to me on camera to commit these atrocities, which is fraudulent evidence. Which also brings me to another crime to charge you with: Crimes against humanity (the slaughter of innocent civilians).

You can not prove conclusively that it is me on those tapes, for the simple reason that it is not. And if that evidence is all you have that a crime has been committed, I would like to go home, and try Aaron in my own courts. I might even give him a fair trial. Which wouldn't change the outcome in the least. In conclusion, there is only one person guilty of any crime here in this room (not including Duke Artredies), and he is sitting in a judge's seat. His name and title: The Great Leader Aaron.

"Order. We shall have order!"

"And what will it be, Emperor?" said Mrs. Wilberforce, immediately at his side, with a notebook and pen.

"What? What do you... Oh. Of for Heaven's s- Look, just go away, will you. Honestly! You can't get the staff these days"

The Holy Emperor glared at the Grand Duke Roberts, who he suspected was about to offer him his sceptre, in a continuation of this badly written and not terribly funny sketch.

"As much as I'm sure you have a valid case to bring, Sultan Parker, this is not the time. Should you wish to bring another case to trial, please wait until this one is over. Assuming you're found not guilty."

He took a sip of the tea that Mrs. Wilberforce had given him anyway.

"Do either of you wish to call any witnesses, to back up your cases?"

"And do any of my colleagues want to ask a question? I have one. Great Leader: What were your men going to do to the Sultan when they captured him, had I not intervened?"

The two caterers were at the lift down to the kitchen. They pressed the button, and the door opened. Suddenly, two gunshots sounded, and they fell through the door of the lift, through the place where the lift would be, were it not for the fact that the lift is at the top, and straight down the elevator shaft, where they landed just below the point where the elevator could crush their bodies. The Coroners' report: They fell down the elevator shaft onto some oddly placed bullets.

Looking at the report he'd just been given by a guard, he said:

"A pity. I wanted them arrested and tried, for weapon smuggling. I wonder how that happened. Unusual place for bullets, really. Still, to quote St. Fred of Leeds, as he was about to be fed to a pack of really hungry hyenas, "It's a funny old world. You've got to laugh."

Those charges were on top of murder etc...and seeing as you were in an Aaronisian controlled area after you nation ceased to exist as far as we are concerned I could attempt to try you for them, but seeing as we've been brought to further maths I'll stick to the substantialevidence.

And threatening to commit suicide bombings counts as terrorism.

You admitted publically to killing our troops and resisting arrest.

Do not attempt to put me on trial here, your the person fighting for his innocence...I'm an evil dictator alright but unfortunatly I also provide a lot of economical and military backing to this region. You, as it stands are merely a drain on the food supplies.

And had we captured him he would have been put on trial.

We have people from Utter Madness, specifically the area in question who can give testamony to the charges listed.

And by the way, as we've been trying to point out the nation of Utter Madness no longer exists as far as we're concerned.

The pince nez returns to the nose of the Holy Emperor. He looks censoriously at the court room, especially at the Great Leader to his immediate right.

"I see. Thank you. Does the defendant wish to make any further defence?"

As you said, you did not charge me on what you were going to arrest me for. I had committed no crimes in defending the nation against you, and that was, basicly, what you wanted me arrested for. It was an attempt at an unlawful arrest, followed by what would have been a murder, and I was therefore perfectly within my rights do defend myself.

Secondly, you can't provide witnesses from within Utter Madness, because all civilians were evacuated before I left the bunker, and they have yet to be returned (OOC: it would have been posted if they had been returned). And, as for threatening to blow myself up, that's not terrorism, that's threatening to commit suicide. There's a big difference.

"I would have to say that threatening to blow yourself up is unacceptable, Parker. That's why I dispatched the snipers. However, I realise that wasn't your intention; the explosives were a decoy."

"And now I am issueing the final call for witnesses. If both sides rest their case, then we, as judges, will sum up the case and come to a verdict."

Well, my witness will be the Duke Artredies.

OOC: Because of the academic demands on Daniel's time, he has given me permission to play the part of the Duke. I shall try to live up to his high standards, and he has briefed me on the Duke's testimony, and personality.

Therefore, imagine that the following comes from Distopistry. Thank you.

It took some time for the Duke to enter the room. He was, of course, under heavy guard, due to the unfortunate shooting he had already committed. He also had to go through the rigorous DNA and weapon searches. Eventually, though, the doors opened, and he stepped in, handcuffed and surrounded by 6 Royal Guards. They were completely unarmed, lest he attempt to seize a weapon from one of them. They were, however, big, strong and scary.

A lesser man would have looked worried and humbled under such circumstances. But this was no lesser man. He was already a war hero, with so few years behind him, and he stood tall. Even with the handcuffs, it was difficult to remember that the Royal Guards had him under arrest, rather than acting as an honour guard for a great leader hailed by many as the greatest military leader in Distopistrian history.

He took his place at the witness stand, bowed to the judges, smiled at the High Highness, and nodded to the defendant.

"Your Highnesses, Excellencies, and Graces. And Aaron."
He smiled at the Great Leader. He didn't seem in the least bit sorry for shooting his double, but there was no smirk in his face. It was a polite and friendly smile.

"Yes. Indeed. You have been called as a witness. Will you tell the truth?" asked the Holy Emperor.

"Yes."

"Do you promise?"

"Yes, Emperor."

"Good." He rang his bell, and Mrs. Wilberforce arrived with a lie detector.

"Then you won't mind if this is attached to you."

The lie detector was attached, and the Most Sincerely Holy Emperor continued.

"You will be questioned by the Defence." He looked at the Sultan.

"Proceed."

As the Sultan continues his Hail Maries, his defence counsel stands, and asks the Duke, "What would you say was the diplomatic state that Utter Madness was in when my client left the bunker underneath the palace? Would you agree with the current assertions that Utter Madness was no longer a nation, let alone at war, or would you disagree?"

The Duke smiled. "When the Sultan left the bunker, his nation, a sovereign state, was at war with the forces of Further Maths and Aaronisia."

He turned to the judges.

"Your Excellencies, I am an expert in warfare, and the rules of engagement. I have GCSE Ripping People To Shreds, A Level Blowing People Up, and a PhD in Killing Large Numbers Of People Subtley.

"Officially, the hostilities were not over. The people attempting to arrest the Sultan were soldiers. The people defending the Sultan were soldiers. Soldiers against soldiers is war.

"And I would contest the fact that Aaron was trying to arrest the Sultan. He seemed to want to kill him. Now, I have the utmost respect for the Great Leader - "

BEEP BEEP BEEP

"May I remind you that you are under oath to tell the truth?" said the Holy Emperor with a stern voice, while his hand tried to hide a grin.

"Sorry, Your Highness. I would suggest that helicopter gunships are not the best tool for a peaceful arrest. That is what the Great Leader Aaron used in his arrest attempt."

"As such, it is my professional opinion that this entire trial is a farce. You're charging this man with self defence in a time of war!"

The lawyer seems completely emotionless at the beep of the lie detector, but the Sultan doesn't bother to hide his grin. The lawyer simply says, "And under what circumstances would the nation of Utter Madness not have been at war?"

"Well, the rules of engagement are quite simple. If one of the nations surrender, their military deserts, or they are completely and utterly destroyed, or if a truce agreement is made, the war is over. I do not believe that any of these criteria were filled at the time. Certainly, Sergeant Smith-Shakespeare of the Further Mathematical Royal Guard Drop Pod Division had called no halt to the hostilities, and it was he who spearheaded the invasion and held most of the palace at that time."

The defence lawyer nods, and continues. "Well, my client's bodyguards had certainly not deserted, neither were they dead, and there was no surrender until my client handed himself over to Further Mathematical troops some time later. Therefore, would you conclude that all the actions taken by my client to prevent capture or death were perfectly legal?"

"Yes, sir, that is precisely what I would conclude. And I would do the same myself, as would any self respecting soldier. Of course, I don't expect I'll have the oppurtunity to again."

BEEP BEEP BEEP

"Oh, alright. Actually, I'm sure I'll get away with it. In fact, I've got a magic trick to show you! It's a disappearing act. Now, if you'd just uncuff me, so I can do the trick. All I want you in the audience to do is: Unlock the doors, close your eyes, turn around, and send all the guards away."

An uncomfortable silence followed.

"No? Oh. Well, it was worth a try. But yes, I conclude that the Sultan's actions were totally legal."

OOC: Double post

The lawyer smiles at last. "Well, that is all I have to ask you. Thank you for your time."

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor turned to the Aaronisian aide.

"Do you wish to cross examine the Duke?"

Yes indeed

Duke, are you the politicaly leader of a DRU state?
Are you in a position to speak on a political level?
Has it ever been known to happen that political leaders change the laws?

Also, was at the time of the chase of the Sultan the Utter Madness army giving any, or in a position to give any resistance to the invading forces? Did the Sultan have any contact with any forces outside his cadré?

Objection, your excelencies: that is completely beside the point. My bodyguards are, or rather were, military personel (the only military personel I had at the time), so it really doesn't matter whether or not they had contact with any other units.

In case anyone disagrees with my discription of them as a military unit, I ask you to recall the assault to retake my palace, near to the start of the war.

We are assessing however if the state of utter madness existed at the time of your hunt and arrest. The Duke describes any nation where the army is still putting up full scale resistance as still existing. If I recall at the time the brave Utter Madness army was marching valiently into POW camps at the time and in any event we (myself and chris) had at the time decided already to form the nation into zones therefore disbanding the state of Utter Madness.

OOC: I may as well carry on playing the Duke.

The Duke looked puzzled. "I'm not sure of the relevance of the question. And I never suggested that it was a full scale resistance. It was a very small scale resistance. But it was a *Further Mathematical Censor Agency Stamp of Disaproval* good resistance. Well done, Sultan." He concluded, winking at Parker.

"I'm sure that your Excellencies of Further Maths and Aaronisia had great plans for those parts of Utter Madness you had under control. And I'll agree that that was nearly all of it. But those few hidden square metres of land where the Sultan and his crew were making their last stand were still Utter Madness territory. I don't think I need say any more."

As I recall, you had only decided to split the nation up, you hadn't actually split it at that point in time, and therefore it still existed as a nation.

"Jolly good. Well, this is the final call for further argument. Make your closing statements. Or rest your cases, in which case the judges will make their decision. This will be a democratic verdict. Majority has it."

He rang his bell

"Mrs. Wilberforce, pass round some more chocolate biscuits. And bring me some protective body armour; people keep throwing them at me."

The defence lawyer simply says, "I rest my case."

The Sultan continues his praying, practically finished now.

The aide leans forward

"We have here a final witness. A young child, aged 11 years who witnessed the Sultan, during a shootout with Aaronisian forces, kill her parents because they would not act as decoys. Sultan, you not only killed troops attempting to make a lawful arrest in terratory that was not only decided as ours, but signed with dotted i's and crossed t's at the time, but also killed citizens under Aaronisian dominion. For that alone you deserve to rot"

The defence lawyer has extreme difficulty not laughing at the new depths of stupidity reached by the Aaronisian prosecution team. "Now this is an outright lie. Since before my client left the bunker, the nation of Utter Madness was evacated of all civilians, and the civilians have not been returned from the Further Mathematical refugee camps to which they were evacuated yet. As such, there is no way that she or her parents could possibly have been inside Utter Madness unless intercepted by Aaronisian forces before they reached safety. Second of all, my client made it to the forest without incident, and didn't leave until picked up by the Further Mathematical priests, when he gave himself up. Everyone in this room is aware of this. Therefore, it must be concluded that you are either suffering from selective memory syndrome, or you are lying through your teeth. With all due respect. And the final reason why this can't be true is because if it were, you wouldn't have a witness to that effect, however old she was."

You know, on second thoughts, I would like to call one final witness. After Aaron has had his dupe put on the stand, of course.

Deary, deary me.

"While I cannot imagine a situation where the witness before us now is possibly genuine, the lie detector will sort that out. I'm sure that the Prosecution would not wish to perjure themselves, in a nation where perjury is one of the top ten crimes "Thou shalt not bear false witness"."

"I know we shouldn't drink on duty, but have some champaign, everybody. Yes, even Sultan Parker, and Duke Atreides. I've just been informed that the United Nations holds the citizens of Further Maths to be the 221st most compassionate in the world!"

Mrs. Wilberforce hands round glasses. The guards make to take some.

"No. Not the guards. The last thing we need, in this tense atmosphere, is drunk guards. Here's some non-alcoholic champaign for you."

Oh dear, hundreds of millions of people evacuated in several days? Please-there were civilians there and you danm well know it.

OOC:His nation wasn't as big as all that. And you're thinking in real time terms.

The Holy Emperor looks as diplomatic as possible.

"Ahem. This is true. But... I might suggest that there were probably, on the whole, not that many families with young children in the middle of a war wrecked forest teeming with enemy soldiers, helicopter gunships, and the like, next to a palace that had been recently drop podded, and occupied by an invading force for some time.

"But those are just my thoughts."

Go ahead, call your dupe. I don't like making fools out of children on the stand, but if I must, I will. I don't doubt what she thought she saw, but that isn't necesarrily what happened. I don't believe in the slightest that you wouldn't stoop to whatever levels were necessary to get what you wanted. I would like to call attention to the merciless slaughter of refugees, perpertrated at the Great Leader's command, which took place simply because the Most Beneficient Holy Emperor Robertson refused to send me to Aaronisia for trial. This was done, I believe, to try and change Robertson's mind.

What reasons would my client have to shoot them? These are the reasons not to: firstly, it would be a waste of two bullets, when my client didn't have very many with him, secondly, it would be a waste of time, especially in a firefight, when killing any threats quickly is of paramount importance, and thirdly, it would force him to waste ammunition and time killing any witnesses. Which he wouldn't be stupid enough to leave.

Anyway, even though there may have been civilians in the nation, they certainly wouldn't have been in the capital, nor in the forests.

Don't insult my client's intelligence by stating that you have witnesses to a crime that neither did he commit, nor would he be stupid enough to leave witnesses to if he had.

"Against my better judgement, we will allow the questioning of the 'witness'."

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor was famous for being able to pronounce quotation marks. He was one of the few people who could speak the inverted comma.

Putting on his most friendly, fatherly voice, he said to the 'witness':

"Hello, little girl. My name is Christopher. Do you know what a lie is? Yes? Good. Now, what you say here is very important, so it has to be true. You mustn't lie. You don't need to worry about the consequences; I'm sure any threats that anybody may have made -" He pointedly did not look at the Great Leader "- can be ignored. You are safe here."

He looked to the rest of the room.

"I think we can trust her testimony."

He rang his bell, anyway. "Mrs. Wilberforce, wire her up!"

OOC: By the way, who shall play the girl? She's supposedly an Utter Madness citizen, which would put the responsibility in Parker's hands. But she's obviously an Aaronisian plant, which means, I suppose, that Aaron will be providing both questions and answers.

ooc: You get to roleplay the witness, Aaron, since she is your witness, and you know her testemony. Any lies will set off the lie detector, remember.

The aide stands up
"Ah my dear girl it is so nice to see you here today. Plesent journy I hope? I know all this must seem very exciting to you, to travel around the region with the great leader of Aaronisia to bring justice to the evil sultan?"

The girl blinks "yessir, very exciting"

"Tell me my dear, have you ever seen the sultan personally before this trial?"

"Yessir"

"And when would that have been my dear?"
The Great Leader gives the girl a warm smile...he likes children...they don't talk back.

"Well, it was ages ago...back when all the big esplosons were happening and when my brother had to go to the narmy....one night when there was lots of soldiers around, they were looking for something...I think one of them lost his gun...or...or...something"

The Great Leader shoots a dangerous look at all those who dare laugh at this girl. He will not tolerate biggotry by people who on the whole are less intelligant than this little girl on the witness stand.

"Yes my, dear, go on"

"Well, the Sultan and some of his soldiers came along wearing funny suits and carrying guns...I think they must have been the ones the other soldiers were looking for...hide and go seek, I used to play it with my friends"

"Yes, so did I when I was young dear...and tell me what happened when the sultan came?"

"Well...well..." The girl was hesitating, remembering unsettling scenes.

The aide had heard this story once before and thought quietly to himself that if this was a plant then it was a danm good one.

"Go on, its ok, your among friends"

"Well....he wanted us to lie for him, to tell the other men lies about where he was....not very fair to lie in games....and and and......the men with him pushed my mom...and...and....then my daddy tried to help her up and they pushed her......and I stayed where I was in the house...I was too afraid to go out....and....and......." At this point she bursted into tears.

The Great Leader handed his aide a hanky to give to her. It was embroidered with gold thread and the Gread Leaders personal seal.

She wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "When your ready dear"

"They...the men were very angry....and one of them took out his weapon and.....he shooted at my mommy and daddy" She again went into fits of sobbing. The Great Leader was too appalled to give his customary evil smile to the sultan.

When the crying died down the aide started again
"Tell me my dear, did you see the face of the man who shot your parents?"

"yyy....yes.....I did"

"And tell me my dear, is the man in this room?"

"Yes"

"Could you point him out to us please?"

The little girl looked up, wiped her eyes and pointed to the Sultan Parker with an accussing finger...."It was him!"

"The former Sultan of your country Utter Madness?"

"Yes!"


"Thank you my dear...we're finished with her, does the defence wish to cross examine?"

At this point the Great Leader intergects "I would point out that the lie detector could have had its results altered by the witnesses age and state of mind and I sugest a full examination be carried out by indipendant doctors to ensure her testamony."

He takes this momant to look at the flat sheet of paper extruding from the lie detector before smiling at parker. If looks could kill both men would have been nothing but smoking craters.

The lawyer suspects that something is up, so he says, "I have no questions for this witness, however before she leaves, I would suggest that the lie detector be checked for tampering. After which, I would like to put my client on the stand. With a lie detector, naturally. He will even be in full view, with no way of tampering with the lie detector. I will even have him tell a few obvious lies, just to prove it."

OOC: If the lie detector has been tampered with, then when my simple lies are told, the lie detector won't go off, and it will be quite obvious that the "Great Leader" has tried to pull one over on us. If it does go off, he will procede to state his innocence, without the lie detector going off. I personally believe (as I always did), that the lie detector has been tampered with, or otherwise the piece of paper would not have been made significant. But it might have been placed there just to fool us. I very much doubt it though.

The Holy Emperor called one of his guards over.

"I want you to make an allowance for non-Mrs. Wilberforce entrance into the courtroom. Send in... The Doctors!"

"Gasp!" gasped the guard.

Minutes later, after rigorous DNA tests, the doors opened, and two figures came in. The doors closed immediately.

"Hello, everybody!" Said the first man.

"Hello, Dr. Nick!" said the rest of the room.

The second man spoke. "Hello, I'm Troy McLure. You may remember me from such independant courtroom inspections as "Church vs. Gambler's league", "Church vs. Independant Thinker's Guild" and "Church vs. Free Will for All Association". We're here to check the lie detector."

Troy went and examined the readout, while Dr. Nick went to take cranial measurements of the little girl.

"Wait, wait, wait. Not those doctors. They're idiots. And I mean that in a very caring way." said the Holy Emperor. "Take them away"

The doctors were led away, and Professor de Mimsy Porcupine came in with an assistant. They took the readout away, for analysis, and the trial continued.

The Sultan stands up, and heads to the witness stand. His hands are in full view the whole time, and he keeps them that way. There is no way he can possibly tamper with the lie detector. "Well, I would like to start by saying how much I admire the Great Leader, which is a lot. I'm sure that he is the most popular man in this room." The lie detector doesn't bleep. "Well, it seems obvious to me that the lie detector has been tampered with, since I loathe and dispise the 'Great Leader', and he is quite possibly the least popular person in this room." Still no bleep. "This must mean, therefore, that I am innocent on the charge of terrorism, because he has had to bring a false witness. I already knew this, of course, and I am innocent on all other charges, but that is besides the point. It also suggests that the 'Great Leader' is guilty of not only submitting a fraudulent judge, but of submitting fraudulant evidence, and of, therefore, attempted murder, since I would likely have been executed had I been found guilty."

The Sultan doesn't bother to hide his grin. :twisted:

"If I could add my twopenny worth:

It does appear that the lie detector has suddenly become 'faulty'. Which is strange, because I designed and built it myself, and I am a doctor of physics."

Once again, the Holy Emperor succeeds in pronouncing his inverted commas.

"Now, the Professor's not got back yet, with his report, but I'm just as well qualified. I am puzzled by the girl's testimony. Either she was putting on an ingratiatingly cute voice, to increase the sympathy factor, in which case she was being deliberately misleading, or she is extremely stupid, in which case she can be ignored. I refer you to the use of the word "narmy". This is just one of the words she babified. I would remind the court that the girl is eleven years old.

OOC: The following is from despoland:

IC:
The president smiles, somewhat amused at the turn of events. He says, "Does the prosecution have any more evidence to give to the court, or should we just dismiss the case here and now due to lack of evidence? I have yet to see anything to prove that the original arrest was lawful, and if the arrest wasn't lawful, then the good Sultan was well within his rights to use lethal force against the Aaronisian officials. The terrorism charge has yet to be proved as well. And might I suggest a thorough examination of the lie detector before and after testamony in future? It would make things far easier. And I agree with the Most Sincere Holy Emperor when he says that the girl is eleven years old, and should be able to speak properly. If she can't speak properly, then she obviously isn't mentally old enough to be a good witness."

The guard whispers into the Most Sincerely Holy Emperor's ear.

"I see. Thank you. I would like to call for the testimony of Professor Sir Bazil de Mimsy Porcupine." Said the Most Sincerely Holy Emperor.

As the Most Sincerely Holy Emperor commanded, the professor entered the room.

"Tell the court your findings"

"Ahem. Well. Your, um, excellencies. The lie detector was, somehow, not detecting anything above a certain amplitude. I believe there was some sort of destructive superimposition of the magnetic resonance scanner's signal. I'm not sure how it was done, yet.

You see, the detector works by doing a magnetic resonance scan, or CAT scan, of the upper middle hippocampus, which controls lying. A high amplitude indicates a strong signal and therefore a lie. The interference is cancelling out the high amplitude signals. This means that, while the truth is registered as such, lies go undetected.

As I've said, though, we aren't sure what happened. We're working on it."

"Thank you, Bazil. We can look into it later. And now, I think that, given that everybody in this room knows that the young lady was talking so much tree-climbing llamas, I think we can rest the cases. Can we?"

After the prosecution rest their case, I will rest mine. I have had enough unpleasant surprises for one day.

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor Robertson clicks his fingers, and a panel opens in the wall the the Sultans left, making a strange noise.

As the Sultan looks to see what it is, a custard pie is launched from the opening, and hits the Sultan on the face, spattering custard everywhere.

The Holy Emperor proceeds to fall about laughing. When he has managed to compose himself, seemingly unaware of the many puzzled looks aimed at him, he said "Sorry, Parker. I couldn't resist. But you have to admit, you left yourself open for that one, saying you've had enough of unpleasant surprises. Mrs. Wilberforce, get him a cloth."

Then he carries on rolling about the floor laughing.

It wasn't really that funny.

The Sultan manages to avoid being hit full on in the face by the pie, managing to keep it out of his hair, and eyes, and other such stuff, but as he is taken by surprise, this is all he can manage. He grins slightly. "I really hate you sometimes, Robertson, you know that?" It's all in fun. Parker doesn't really hate Robertson. We all know who the one person in the room he really hates is...

OOC: The lie detector was not tampered with, but the childs mind was. Now this is all OOC so no one in that room knows....anyways, minds can be made to beleave stuff and so on, tampered with if you will, and while it is possable in adults in children it is as easy as pie with the right methods as a childs mind is as moldable as clay. Look it up if you want, but the lie detector was not tampered with and there is no way beyond catching the men who performed the mental operation, who are at present somewhere in Aaronisia I presume...bear in mind this when reading the following
-------------------------------------------------
The Aide stands up
"I must protest, even if that lie detector was tampered with there is no evidence to say it was tampered with by Aaronisian officials...I sugest the testamony be taken again with a new detector tested by the sultans most interesting statement"

"Nobody suggested that it was tampered with at the hands of an official from your nation. Guilty conscience? Anyway, that sounds like a reasonable request."

OOC: Then why the piece of paper?

IC: Well, when a new lie detector is brought in, checked thoroughly to ensure that it has not been tampered with, I will be glad to give a statement, and I will submit to whatever anyone believes necessary to ensure that I don't tamper with the lie detector, and I will test it with a few simple lies. Just to be sure. Then I will give my version of events. Now if my version of events contradicts with that of the young girl, I think it will be quite obvious that mine is the truth, for the simple reason that the lie detector will be working for me. After all, I have no reason to fear the truth. The truth is in my favour.

"In the unlikely event that you are both apperently telling the truth, which I doubt, then the court will have to use character witnesses to asses your capabilities to carry out such actions. As a leader in DRU I somehow doubt even your own mother could give you a shining reference, though of course an indipendant character witness shall have to be found...perhaps a few UM refugee's taken at random from the great city of the...umm....poor isen't it?"
The Great Leader sniggers

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor looked across at the Great Leader and gives him a Number 7 Glare.

"I see you have seen the funny side of this farsical trial. At least, I presume that is what you found so funny. Very well. Bazil?"

The Professor enters with another lie detector, and places it reverentially on the table by the witness stand. This time he is accompanied by two Institute Proctors, the Da Vinci Institute's private and, therefore, independant security forces. As the Professor leaves, they remain, and stand guard over the lie-detector. Clearly, the Professor intends to make sure that this detector is not tampered with.

"Right. The Judges call the defendant, His Majesty the Sultan Parker, of Utter Madness, to the stand."

I do not deny that I am capable of doing it. Being capable of murder is not a crime, however. Murder is the crime. And I have yet to see proof that the arrest was lawful in the first place, and almost your entire case depends on that and on the opinion of people who I ordered evacuated. I certainly did have a death penalty, but so do you, and so does everybody in this region. Even Robertson, a benevolent dictator, has the death penalty. That makes us all capable of murder. Does that make us all criminals? I should hope not... This truly is the most ridiculous case I have ever seen go to trial, and I'll say that while wired to a lie detector, too. May I ask that all witnesses are picked up, and then guarded by Further Mathematical guards? Since Further Maths is near enough neutral, I can trust them in his hands not to be threatened, or anything else along those lines.

"I'm sure that nobody here would threaten anybody."

Once again the Holy Emperor fails entirely to look at Aaron.

"But just in case, a random Utter Madness citizen will be taken into protective custody, and they will be character witness. Just, you know, to make sure they aren't coerced into saying something that might not be true. Which I'm sure wouldn't happen, but better safe than sorry."

OOC: You'll have a hard time tampering with these witnesses, and my civilians are brainwashed from birth to love and adore me.

OOC: Who will play these witnesses?

OOC: Thats unfair...no one can make everyone love them. Also the idea is that when 2 witnesses have opposing statements that cannot be proved by fact either way then character witnesses are used to detirmine if the person is capable/likely to carry out such acts and if for instance in this case you are found to be capable then the girls statement gets taken into fact. Oh, and you admitted to being capable, which is a confession on record so I'd say screw the character witnesses you've done my job for me.

"Fine by us, though the idea is to take reasonable doubt. If you are capable of murder, which you have actually admitted to on record here today, possably negating the need for character witnesses as we have a full confession, then the girls statement will have to be legally taken into fact."

The Sultan steps up to the stand, exactly as before, with no way of tampering with the lie detector. He then says, "First of all, I'd just like to say that the Great Leader is a very nice man, and very popular." There is a very loud Beep from the lie detector. "Just testing. One can never be too careful. Anyway, here is how the events leading up to my surrender to Further Mathematical forces too place: I left the bunker, and fled to the local forest. Without running into any Aaronisian troops, or, more importantly, any civilians. I ran through the forest, only firing when fired upon, until I found a hiding place. I removed my suicide pack, and destroyed it. I then hid. After a while of hiding, I decided to send a signal to the Further Mathematical helicopter containing Fr. Smith, and Fr. Thomson. I then waited for the helicopter to arrive, at which time I dropped all weapons, and boarded the plane. At no time did I come across any civilians, and at all times I was wearing a gas mask, in fear of a gas attack, which made my face unrecognisable. I do not deny being capable of murder, because that would be a lie. But I ask the court: why would I shoot two civilians for not placing their own lives in jepardy, when I had already ordered them all to leave the nation, for their own safety? I certainly have difficulty thinking of a reason. Anyway, just to prove that I haven't tampered with the lie detector in any way shape or form, Aaron is a very good person." There is another Beep, as soon as the word good is spoken. "You see?" The Sultan's hands haven't left the view of any of the judges, and have been unable to tamper with the lie detector.

Oh, and no, her word doesn't have to be taken as legal fact. She would need to give her testamony a second time, due to the fact that last time, the lie detector wasn't working. If she is still telling the truth as she remembers it, then I draw your attention to false memory syndrome. A person with a low mental age, such as, it would appear, your witness, it is not only possible, but quite easy, to give that person a false memory, diliberately or not. This can be induced by hypnosis, among other methods.

OOC: I'm currently studying psychology as an a-level, so I would not advise attempting to say that this is a load of BS, as I could quite easily get my text book, and quote from it all night. False memory syndrome is one of the flaws with psychodynamic treatments for mental illness.

"Legally, if we doubt a witness' testimony, we have to call her again.

I call the little girl to the stand again. And Dr. Sigmund Chais of Despo Land, the leading regional psychologist, currently working at the Da Vinci Research Institute."

The Bestest Kitty in Da World was looking round for any more chocolate biscuits. She found one and without any second thought. Threw it at Christopher. Unfortunately it hit Aaron. Immediatly she jumped under the table and had her tigers circle her for comfort.

"Hehe. Bad shot, that girl. Or rather, good shot."

"Remember, everybody: A Holy Emperor is for life, not just for target practice."

OOC: Well, Aaron is awfully quiet... Anyone know where he has gone?

OOC: The "Real World"...got bored, came back here
And lets assume we call the girl again and go through the motions.

The Great Leader merely smiles contentidly to himself. The Aide edges away slowly from him.
"This trial is getting rather old and I have plans to prepair for some future military actions"
*refuses pointedly to look at anyone*

"Oh and I don't know if Chris told any of you but I've been informed from the Chief of Staff by telegram that we've ceased all actions on the border regions pending construction of permanent defencive lines. This is only the middle of the construction phase of this great project but is one of the most important."

OOC: I've discussed the following questions and testamony with Utter Madness, in order to save time, and therefore I will be posting the questions.

The Psychologist goes up to the stand, and is attatched to the lie detector.

"So," says the defence lawyer, "what was your finding on the young girl?"

"Well, I recognised the symptoms of brainwashing, but whoever did it was quite good at what they do. It would take quite some time to bring back her real memories. I personally doubt that what she said was what happened, whatever she remembers. I would therefore state that her testamony is unsafe, and fur-"

"Is that your professional opinion?" interupts the lawyer.

"Yes sir, it is. As I was saying, furthermore, I would state that the person who did this to her ought to be removed from this profession. What he did was unethical."

"Thank you," the lawyer replies, with a small smile of triumph, no matter how annoying this witness is. "I have no more questions for this witness."

The Great Leader stands up
"Fine, fine, send her to the city of the poor I suppose...can we go now?"

"Yes. I think so. I think we've been subjected to this for long enough. The trial is closed. We will now reach a verdict. Each judge will now vote. Guilty? Or Not-Guilty? Vote now."

"I vote guilty as charged"
-------------------------------


*News flash from Aaronisia*
It was today announced that the Aaronisian 2nd and 4th Guards, 5th Shock, 6th, 7th and 12th Tank and 14th Airbourne Armies, consisting of a total of 580,000 men between them have been sent to Aaronisian controlled areas of Fanta Lemon in preperation for unspecified military operations.
They are supported by the 1st, 2nd, 5th and 7th Air Armies consisting of over 3,000 aircraft from fighters to stratigic bombers.
They are being accompanied by the 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 6th Fleets alongside their own transport vessels. These consist of carrier groups, submarines and various support vessels.

In total the force is estimated to reach a size of 800,000 men and women in total. The military operation they are to take part in is as yet unspecified though it is speculated that a huge military training operation may take place in the disgraced state of Fanta Lemon, who's troops are in the process of building huge camps, airbases and harbours to accomodate the force, though this is seen as slightly odd considering these forces all participated in the recent border exercises that ended only a short time ago.
*End news flash*

The Most Sincerely Holy Emperor Robertson took out a megaphone from nowhere in particular, and said into it:

"BUMP!"

For no obvious reason. He then put the megaphone down.

"What?" He said to the room at large, which was looking at him oddly.

The Bestest Kitty in Da World came up from under the table. She took out a script that her older brother had given her.

She scanned the paper for the bit she wanted:
"Not guilty!"

The President simply says, "Not guilty."

The Sultan is very close to finishing his prayers now, but he is still muttering them. He does smile slightly, however, since two people have voted not guilty to one guilty.

OOC: I think that you are the only one who is going to vote guilty, Aaron...

The Queen wakes up in her chair. She fell asleep at the start of this trial and her eye make-up has smudged, giving her a panda-like appearance.

Rather groggily, she stands up and gives her verdict:
"Not guilty"

"Hmmm. Jolly good."

The Supreme Theocrat made a note of the votes so far:


The Great Leader of Aaronisia: Guilty
The President of Despoland: Not Guilty
The Queen of Decadence and Opulance: Not Guilty
The Bestest Kitty in Da World of Feline Friends: Not Guilty


"Well, I await the votes of the other three judges, Queen Carol of Jellyland, High Highness Daniel of Distopistry, and Grand Duke Roberts of Blocko Land. Then I will cast the final vote and the sentence, if necessary, will be passed."

He looked across at the other judges. "So, if you could, sort of, get on with it, please? I know that Aaron is itching to leave."

Not guilty. Sorry, but there was no evidence whatso ever.

And this whole business is getting tiresome.

Not guilty. Sorry, but there was no evidence whatso ever.

And this whole business is getting tiresome.

Too bloody right I am.

*News flash from Aaronisia*
A mob today stormed the embassy of Despoland and burned it to the ground using petrol bombs. The Diplomatic staff were evacuated to a safe location by Aaronisian police forces though unfortunatly three minor officials in the embassy were brutally murdered on their way to work.
The cause of the spontanious outburst of violance was apperently caused after growing resentment of the Despoland government after their apperent involvement in the attempt on the Great Leaders life while judging in the trial of the former Sultan of Utter Madness in the state of Further Maths. Investigations are continuing though so far no arrests have been made. Some outside sources have criticised the Aaronisian Police for not intervening and setting up proper crowd control units before it was too late even though it is reported they had sound intelligence informing them that an attack was imminent.

In other news more Aaronisian troops have arrived in the state of Fanta Lemon. It is expected the entire force assigned to unknown operations in the area will be in place by early this week.
*End news flash*

Too bloody right I am.

*News flash from Aaronisia*
A mob today stormed the embassy of Despoland and burned it to the ground using petrol bombs. The Diplomatic staff were evacuated to a safe location by Aaronisian police forces though unfortunatly three minor officials in the embassy were brutally murdered on their way to work.
The cause of the spontanious outburst of violance was apperently caused after growing resentment of the Despoland government after their apperent involvement in the attempt on the Great Leaders life while judging in the trial of the former Sultan of Utter Madness in the state of Further Maths. Investigations are continuing though so far no arrests have been made. Some outside sources have criticised the Aaronisian Police for not intervening and setting up proper crowd control units before it was too late even though it is reported they had sound intelligence informing them that an attack was imminent.

In other news more Aaronisian troops have arrived in the state of Fanta Lemon. It is expected the entire force assigned to unknown operations in the area will be in place by early this week.
*End news flash*

OOC: I don't recall having an embassy in Aaronisia, and even if I did have one, I would hardly leave it unguarded. And a civilian with a weapon is no longer a civilian, so my men would have been well within their rights to open fire on rioters.

OOC: Also, as I recall, you said yourself that you have been unable to contact your nation (when you said that they would have no way of knowing if you were still alive), so how would any of them have found out, considering that the palace is under lockdown?

OOC: Sorry, that is my fault. I forgot to mention it here, although I have mentioned it to Aaron in private. The lockdown was lifted as soon as the trial was concluded.

The Supreme Theocrat looked up from his notes, having filled in the Distopistrian vote.

"I say, I may have forgotten to mention this, but I've lifted the lockdown on the Palace. You can contact your people whenever you wish, all of you.

"I was intending to call a regional assembly after the trial, but I think some leaders have grown tired of the Further Mathematical food. Therefore you may leave whenever you wish. The lock-down was only for security purposes after the assassination attempt.

"If you do wish to remain for the assembly, we can hold it now. Not here, of course, I imagine you're all getting quite tired of the wallpaper in here. There is a nice little resort in the mountains, in Arch-Bishop Hopkinson's county, Euclid.

"You can take a break, get some fresh air, view the famous Euclidean scenery and do a bit of skiing, if you wish. And we can draw up a constitution.

"Of course, you will be able to keep in full contact with your governments. It is, after all, significantly more difficult to lock down a mountain than a palace. Aaron should be able to see his country from the resort, on a clear day; the county next to Euclid is Descartes, which borders Aaronisia. It also has the advantage of being near the Cartesian Fortress, for extra security."

He picked up a chocolate biscuit, pretended to be about to eat it, and threw it at Fiona.

"Of course, let's get this tiresome and prolonged trial over with first. You can all go back to your own countries to freshen up."

He picked up another chocolate biscuit, pretended to be about to throw it at Fiona, and then ate it.

"Mmmm..." he said. "Chocolate biscuits."

OOC:Everyone has embassies in everyone elses countries. And in any event the point is that tensions are escallating between our nations. Read between the lines.

The Great Leader of Aaronisia left Further Maths under a veil of secrecy, with news of his departure not reaching peoples ears until his plane had cleared Further Maths airspace and was deep inside Aaronisia. One cannot be too careful.
Upon arriving home in Aaronisia he was pleased to find it generally business as usual, though several upstarts will have to be dealt with...they should know better than to try and move on the reigns of power just because the Great Leader is taking a bit of a holiday.

OOC: Deary me. You just can't trust some people. And everything you do is with their best interests at heart, eh, Aaron?

"Well, people have started to leave. So we are just waiting for a few more votes; from Queen Carol and Grand Duke Roberts."

OOC: Well, I hardly expected the enterprise to be without reprisals. Trust me though, you may want to wait untill the new constitution has been signed before starting any wars.

OOC: I'd prefer to do it before I have to sign 22 odd forms to be able to flatten a nation, but ty anyways
*News Flash From Aaronisia*

With tensions between the Aaronisian and Despovian government escallating the Aaronisian government today announced that all formal ties to the state of Despoland have been cut off and the Aaronisian forces in Fanta Lemon have been put on high alert.
*End news flash*

Secret IC (In other words, Aaron, you don't know about this until you send your forces over, and lose men to these defences):"Activate the water defence grid," says the President over a secure connection on the phone. As he gives the order, water mines float to various depths of the sea around Despoland, and all fishing vessels are ordered to stay ashore until further notice. "Activate AAAs, and mobilise the main force. And send letters to the reserves telling them to be prepared to move out at any time." As he gives the second order, turrets along every city wall are activated, prepared to shoot bombers out of the sky. With extreme accuracy. The final order he gives, is to evacuate the first family into a bunker, whose location remains undisclosed. He hangs up, and heads back to his quarters.

OOC: No, the above is not godmoding, as I have already mentioned that my nation has near-future tech (in other words, 20-30 years more advanced than Japan is currently), and no-one complained then. Just delaying those who would call Godmode (not mentioning any names, Aaronisia).

"BUMP" Shouted the Theocrat.

"Right. This has gone on long enough. If the Grand Duke and the Queen do not vote within the next 24 hours, I will consider them having abstained."

He looked at his note paper.

Great Leader Aaron: Guilty
President Salutious: Not Guilty
Bestest Kitty in Da World Fiona: Not Guilty
Qeen Sarah: Not Guilty
High Highness Daniel: Not Guilty
Queen Carol:
Grand Duke Roberts:
Supreme Theocrat Robertson: Waiting for the others

And then I will make my vote, and declare the result.

OOC: 'Tis fine despoland, I have the best army in the region and the men to spare. I will not however tolerate things like bomber formations being utterly crushed by your mega AA guns "now with 1 miss in every 200 shots fired!". Its at that point the nasty smelling missiles start landing.

*News Flash*
In a statement read out on behalf of the Great Leader of Aaronisia today a declaration of war was made on the rogue state of Depoland following their terrorist actions against the state of Aaronisia at the trial of the former Sultan of Utter Madness in Further Maths. It was announced that the state shall be utterly crushed from the air before the first crack Aaronisian Troops of Army Group Despo land to crush any remaining opposition.
The Great Leader admitted the fight would be bloody and hard given Despolands exellant defence proceedures, but he also said that a state like that while being capable of being a great menice to the world could not stand to a rightous and strong a nation as Aaronisia for more than a short time.
The first large scale bombing raids have begun.
*End News Flash*
Secret IC: The aim of the bombing raids will be to crush the air force, navy, communication lines (rial links, bridges, airports, electricity etc) and troop concentrations in that order of priority. The campaign is expected to last 1 week (ooc:real time there) at the end of which it is expected Aaronisian Air Force will have full control of the land, air and sea thus allowing invasion operations to begin.

OOC: I recommend that a new thread be started for the war in Despoland. When the verdict if given and sentence is passed (in the unlikely event of a guilty vote) this thread can end.

The Bestest Kitty in Da World brushed the chocolate biscuit of her shoulder.

"This means war," she said, stroking the bigger siberian tiger as it was the only one she could reach since both were lying down, the smaller one asleep and gnawing one of the table legs.

"You know, national leaders such as ourselves really shouldn't use idle phrases like that, given that they could be so easily mistaken for the real thing." Said the Theocrat.

"Now then," he said, taking a DV MkVII Semi-Automatic Chocolate Biscuit Launcher from under the table and loading 4 packets of McVities into the magazine, "what were you saying, Fiona?"

OOC:
http://www.nationstates.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=100108

This is is where the war will be continued from now on. Lets not disturb the politics of the region with our petty differences...

OOC: Define 'petty' in the context of a huge war that will, almost certainly, result in your destruction. :?

The Supreme Theocrat rang his bell, and Mrs. Wilberforce appeared.
"See this delivered to President Salutious, will you? The address is:

His Excellency, the President Salutious of Despoland,
The Bunker
1 Top Secret Location Road
Undisclosed
Despoland.

Here's 40 Integrals for a stamp."

The envelope and money exchanged, the tea lady went off, to deliver the letter.

The sonorous bells of St. Christopher's marked the ultimatum. The trial was over.

"Right. The Queen and the Grand Duke have abstained. I will now vote myself. I vote NOT GUILTY!"

A shocked gasp completely failed to rise from the room.

"Sultan Parker..."

The Sultan begins his last Hail Mary of the penance.

"Hail Mary, full of grace..."

..."All eight of the judges present have either voted, or abstained from voting..."

"...the Lord is with thee..."

"...Their votes were cast thusly: Great Leader Aaron, Guilty..."

"...blessed art thou amongst women..."

"...Queen Sarah, High Highness Daniel, President Salutious and myself: Not Guilty..."

"...and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus..."

"...Grand Duke Roberts and Queen Carol abstained from voting..."

"...holy Mary, mother of God..."

"...It is therefore the finding of this court..."

"...pray for us sinners now..."

"...That, of the charges brought against you by the Aaronisian military..."

"...and at the hour of our death..."

"... You are Not Guilty."

"...Amen."

The men guarding the Sultan stood down, the Theocrat rose, and the courtroom burst into applause.

The Sultan doesn't look at all surprised at the verdict. It's exactly what he was expecting. "Well, if no one has any objection, I would like to head off."

"Your Excellency, as a head of state in Further Maths, you may do as you wish. You are welcome to stay for as long as you wish, as is everybody else - "

The Holy Emperor looked around at everybody else behind the screen: Grand Duke Roberts, snoring as loudly as ever, Queen Carol, playing happily with her bunny rabbit, High Highness Daniel, wishing he was a bunny rabbit, Bestest Kitty in Da World Fiona, stroking a tiger guard, while the other gnawed at Grand Duke Roberts's shoe, and Queen Sarah, listening to some appalling (and almost certainly illegal in Further Maths) music on her personal stereo. Three chairs were empty: Those of Great Leader Aaron and President Salutious, for the simple reason that they were concentrating on blowing each other up, and President Alex, who never turned up in the first place.

" - but if you wish to leave, you may do so. You will be provided with a transport to wherever you wish to go. And I suspect you will want to be getting back to Utter Madness? Well, I think we can draw up some paperwork that will return control of at least the Further Mathematical regions of the country to your good self. And your citizens can return home, or at least, move in to the half of the nation I control."

He stood up once again, nodded at his guards, and turned to address the chamber.

"Well, I think we've been stuck in here for long enough. This case is closed. You are all dismissed."

To his fellow judges, he said:

"Right, everybody. You are, as I've said, welcome to stay, and you are all invited to dinner tonight. But otherwise, you may return to your nations. God speed."

"All rise!" Called the clerk, as the Supreme Theocrat turned away from the court. His door opened automatically and he left the room, flanked by the red and burnished gold of his Royal Guards, with a flourish of his cloak.

On second thoughts, I think I will have something to eat before I leave.

The State of Aaronisia would remind Utter Madness that it never signed a formal peace and would take any lands terratorially given to Utter madness as fair game.
Also considering the rather crushed nature of the state your security after leaving Further Maths custody could not be assured.

Warning/thinly veiled threat received.

There was a veil?

The Theocrat

There was? Oh, I am so sorry.

Return to Utter Madness and you will die the minute you leave protective custody.

Any terratory in the name of the state of Utter Madness will be annexed by Aaronisia.

I understood perfectly what you meant. If the veil had been any thinner, it would have taken eyes keener than mine to see it at all. The veil, that is. I wouldn't have expected any other treatment from you. Apart from perhaps being taken into a prison and tortured to death. Either way, I have no intention of departing in that manner. By the way, I would not recommend heading to Further Maths, any time soon, by the way. No one could guarantee your safety there. Robertson certainly couldn't, anyway.

I assure you, Parker, that the security I provide is second to none. Whatever you're planning, I can't see it succeeding.

In the Palace:

"Theocrat, Lt. Smith-Shakespeare is on the line."

The Theocrat looked up, pulling the sleeve of his left arm down over a glint of gold, and said "On screen."

The Officer appeared, in his scarlet uniform with his black shako marked with the burnished gold of the Platypus Standard. He knew better than to bow, and started talking immediately.

"Theocrat, I have sent my weekly report on the state of your Utterly Mad territories."

The Theocrat checked his personal data pad. "Oh yes, I see it here. Jolly good. So... why have you called me?"

"Well, Theocrat, as I've mentioned in my report, the land is ready to take inhabitants back. Major Strathclyde of the POW camp has informed me that Bishop Blix told him that the overcrowding problem is increasing in Further Maths, because of the vast number of Utterly Mad refugees you are holding."

"That is true. So we can start sending them back?"

"Yes, Theocrat. We're ready for them. However, we are all soldiers here. We cannot govern. I recommend you send a civilian administration. We would continue to provide security, and the palace has been rebuilt. They could see to getting the infrastructure back up, and make our part of the former nation governable."

"An excellent idea, Lietenant. I will start sending the civilians back. And I will provide you with a Governor. I know just the man. Robertson out."

The screen went blank. "Charles?"

"Yes, Christopher?"

"Has the Sultan left yet..."

:evil: If there is so much as a terrorist waving an AK-47 into the Aaronisian area there will be severe penalties.

Further Maths does not have terrorists. And I can say this with absolute certainty because the Cardinal takes a very dim view of terrorists. And further more, the borders between your zones and my zones will be very heavily fortified.

To stop terrorists from crossing over, of course...

*Does a double take*

And just hang on a minute. What was that about severe penalties? Against who, exactly? That sounded like a threat, but it couldn't possibly be, because nobody in this region would be stupid enough to threaten the Supreme Catholic Theocracy of Further Maths and her leader. So I wonder what it was...

It could have been a warning for me not to start a rebelian. As if I would do that! :twisted:

The new governer of Utter Madness has just arrived in the capital. Minus his two usual bodyguards. Upon arrival, he went to the crater where the palace used to be. He went into the bunker, and found that it had still survived. Now all he needed to have done was to have the place fortified, and a palace built on top of it.

Meanwhile, he starts pitching some tents for the new arrivals, so that the children will have somewhere to stay while their parents help with the pitching. He started with his own. Not too grand, it had two rooms: a place for sleeping, and a place for meetings, followed by a nursery.

The first person to leave the civilian transport was an ex-soldier. He went to hug the Governer, but then held back, remembering what the rumours said about him: that he was a very strict ruler. The Governer smiled, and ushered the rest out.

Once they were all out, he had some of the women looking after the children, along with the elderly, and the rest helping to pitch the rest of the tents. Aaronisia did, after all, turn most of the capital into a giant hole. One reporter asked him whether or not a rebellion was planned against the Aaronisians. He said, "On the record: no. Off the record: who knows?"

"Lt. Smith-Shakespeare of the Royal Guard, Governor. I am in charge of security. As nice as your tent is, we have rebuilt a section of the palace already, and it is quite nicely fortified. I will assign someone to lead you there. A squad from the Engineering Corps will arrive soon to help erect some shelters.

"The Theocrat has requested that we keep him up to date on our progress. I'll be sending him the first report tomorrow afternoon. And now, if you'd like to step this way?"

"Of course, my good man. Lead the way. I trust you will reconnect the bunker to the palace, once it's been rebuilt... the bunker is still functional."