NationStates Jolt Archive

From the Vaadian Ministry of Tourism and New Nations

Are you looking for a new region? Why not come to the Federated Klatchian Coast (http://www.nationstates.net/91445/page=display_region/region=the_federated_klatchian_coast)?

With three nations with over 10 BILLION citizens, you have your choice of bullies to push you around!

Like:

The Blessed Kingdom of Dyelli Beybi: Where civil war is a national sport, and if they aren't having one currently, they'll happily involve themselves in your civil war, or heck, just bribe someone and start your own!

Or:

The Glorious Kingdom of Vrak: They are ruled by TALKING WALRUSES! You heard me, WALRUSES! The Walvraks are quick to anger and slow to calm, if you don't have flippers, you aren't worth worrying about, by Bok's Maw, they'll crush you!

How about:

The Free Republic of Ilek-Vaad: Democratic ideals rule here. That's right Democracy, we're not only proud about it, but smug about it. You say you aren't a democracy? Well why not you backwards, mouthbreathing Neanderthal? Plus if you create a problem in OUR region, we'll solve it. Solve it WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE, you monarchist scum!

Then there is also:

The Barbarian Hoardes of North Germania: Continuously poised and ready to sweep down from the North and invade, but don't worry, you'll have plenty of warning, they usually invade their ally, Dyelli Beybi, first!


Make Friends with:

The Democratic Dominion of Karmanyaka: Please, can't you all just get along? For God's sake, we haven't had a day without someone else's tanks rolling across our landscape in two years!

Or Have a Drink at the Pub with:

The Free Land of Shielas and Bruces: That's right mate, ride your kangaroo into town and play your dijereedoo out by the billabong. This here is the wattle, emblem of our land, you can stick it in a bottle you can hold it in your hand! Amen! How about another round then, Bruce?

Finally there is:

The United Empire of Fodmodmadtol: Who are they, where do they come from?? WHO ARE YOU!!!??? Confused? Tough!

REMEMBER: Some of these nations are even MEMBERS of The Federation of Klatchian States! We aren't, but hey, whatever floats your boat I suppose.

Come and move to the Klatch, if you like it half as much as we do, then we we like it twice as much as you.

(This advert reflects only the opinion of The Free Republic of Ilek-Vaad. All opinions about our neighbors are just that and may have no actual bearing on fact, except that our opinion is really the only one that matters.)

OOC:
Ok. This has to be one of the funniest Regional Adverts i've seen on here in a long time. Bravo. I give it two thumbs up, WAY up; 5 Stars; and an oscar.

You say that, but you still haven't moved to the Klatch, so I question the sincerity of your compliment ;)

OOC:
Ok. This has to be one of the funniest Regional Adverts i've seen on here in a long time. Bravo. I give it two thumbs up, WAY up; 5 Stars; and an oscar.

OOC: *points* what s/he said.

And for what it's worth, everyone else, pay attention; the Klatch are also a fantastic and committed bunch of RP'ers, always something interesting and of real quality going on, and they're very understanding if your real life interferes with NS.

Now that ad's not true! They're all lovely people in the Klatch, just the sort of lads you'd want to take your teenage daughter to the formal ... (leaves town, fast).

I certainly appreciate all of the kind sentiments, but still, no one is moving in? That confuses us Vaadians, and when we get confused, we get angry, and then we get sleepy and then angry again.

Dyelli Beybi wishes to assure everyone that any acts of insidious brbiery are in no way connected to the Dyellian State. You have nothing on us!

From the Vaadian Ministry of Tourism and New Nations

A guide to Vaadian slang.

North Germanian Negotiation: A mugging or beating.

Cheka Office: A strip club. The Dyellian Cheka secret service are well known for employing attractive women as agents.

Vrakian Toothpick: A tusk or any other dental appendage that can be readily seen.

Karmanyakan Highway: A large open field, suitable for driving military vehicles through.

Burungi Business Suit: To go shirtless and sometimes pantsless. Pokes fun at the often half naked natives of the now defunct state of Tanah Burung.

Dyellian Election: Any bad call at any sporting event that might give the allusion that the event is 'rigged'.

Bruceian Hors d'œuvre : Any steak 32 oz. or larger.

The Free Lands of Shielas and Bruces...

Where we've misspelled our name and can't be bothered to change it, where every bloke is named Bruce and the girls are named Sheila and now officially (Thanks to Ariddia's international records) The drunkest nation on NSEarth.

The Klatchian Capitals Gazetteer

Chapter one: Great Lassic

Great Lassic

Great Lassic is of course the capital of The Free Republic of Ilek-Vaad, how you could not have known that is beyond me. A city of over one hundred and ten million it is a bustling thriving metropolis, surrounding an old, quiet, tired and shuffling Byzantine city. Every visitor to the Free Republic will see Great Lassic, after all it is the only Vaadian city with an International Airport.

One airport, four locations. The 'single' Lassic International Airport is actually four huge airports, and they aren't even located anywhere near each other. Convenient. Why one airport that is four? Well, not because of any religious dogma, but because we don't trust you foreigners. The law clearly states that no aircraft arriving from a foreign destination can fly over a populated or urban zone in the Free Republic. That's right, you filthy foreigners are not allowed to fly over our cities. Ever.

SO there is the ONE Lassic International Airport, in FOUR locations: Lassic International NorthEast, NorthWest, SouthEast and SouthWest. So, which ever direction you're coming from, that is where you land. Please be sure to check that your hotel is near whichever airport you are landing at, a cab ride from one corner of the city to the other.............. well, let's just say you can't afford it.

If you are a tourist, you are going to the Old Byzantine City on the hill, Lassic Center, it is of course surrounded by the Lassic Ring. One city inside the walls another city outside the walls. Be prepared to pay the 50.00DR* toll to pass through the Byzantine Gates, Lassic Center is no place for cars, so the cost of getting them in is heavy, nevermind finding a place to park if you don't own a part of Lassic Center.

Of course if you are a tourist just heading to the beautiful tropical beaches in the South, you still have to land at Great Lassic and transfer to another jet to continue on. God forbid you should land at Lassic International NorthWest and have to catch a flight at Lassic International SouthEast for Costa-Tula, unless you've made prior arrangements or blocked out about ten hours to do it in, it's not going to happen.

Great Lassic is at least cosmopolitan. Everyone in Great Lassic gives everyone else dirty looks, why? Because no one can tell who the foreigners are, and after a day or two of trying to hail a taxi or figure out how the underground works, the foreigners are giving just as many dirty looks as the locals.

I'm not saying that Great Lassic isn't friendly, it just takes patience, patience that can't be developed on a two week vacation. Maybe after five or ten years you'll learn to appreciate Great Lassic.

Getting to Great Lassic is at least an accomplishment. It means that you've qualified for a Visa to visit the Free Republic, and of course that process will make any nightmare you encounter in Great Lassic, laughable.

So some final tips for travel to Great Lassic first, have your Visa in order. Second make sure your travel agent is aware of Great Lassic's 'airport situation' and plan accordingly and last looking angry or frustrated is fine, but looking happy and relaxed, well that's just suspicious. Damn suspicious.


* approx. $125.00

I certainly appreciate all of the kind sentiments, but still, no one is moving in?
The link in the first post is incorrect, it leads us to our own regions. ;)

How about now? Smartass!

How about now? Smartass!
:(

Well, did it work or not? I changed the link, now move to the Klatch so that we can begin your 'Democritization' process! ;)

Link works now, goes to the Federated Klatchian Coast instead of The Navigators home region of Lazarus.

Message from the Dyellian Ministry of Tourism and Hazardous Waste Disposal

In light of the recent innacurate portrayal of our Nation by the blok pakrahs* in Ilek-Vaad, the Dyellian Ministry of Tourism has written the following significantly more accurate travel guide to Klatch and it's States.

* Vrakian, roughly translates to foreign devils

The Blessed Kingdom of Dyelli Beybi: The cultural heart of Klatch. Dyelli Beybi is a liberal democracy where you can feel safe on the streets. Come visit Dyelli Beybi's many art galleries and historic buildings, or enjoy her cafe culture. Marvel at the stained glass windows of Bath or Saint Guineford's Cathedrals or the Pyramids of Quisa. Revel in the night life of Cyro or Moskau or enjoy a camel safari across the open desert. Whatever you want, Dyelli Beybi has it.

The Glorious Kingdom of Vrak: Full of ice and walruses. Also home of Port Olympus, the capital of the mighty Federation, the current President of which is a Dyellian.

The Barbarian Hoardes of North Germania: Full of ice and Germanians.

The Democratic Dominion of Karmanyaka: Full of Karmanyakans. Not much ice.

The Free Land of Shielas and Bruces: Full of beer.

The United Empire of Fodmodmadtol: Full of lunatics and possibly beer. Ice not likely.

The Free Republic of Ilek-Vaad: Full of blok pakrahs.

The city-states of the region of Vetinari welcome the Klatchian region with open wallets... I mean arms.

"Hey Bruce, come at this. Bruce!"

"Yeah, Bruce, What is it Bruce?"

"It looks like a regional advert bruce."

"Yeah, Bruce, What about the wonder fauna that we have here in the Free Lands?"

"Free Lands, Bruce?! I thought we were the Drunken Slobs?"

"Nah, Bruce that's just what your Sheila calls you."

"Ah, right you are Bruce."

"Knew I was Bruce, Right that is."

"We should go down to Uni bar Bruce. I here the philosophy departments doing a song about famous philsophers, Bruce."

"I hear that Bruce, I've got to man the sheep dip but see you there, Bruce."

"Alright Bruce, see you there Bruce."

Later that evening at the Local Uni bar of the Nulla Nulla National Institute and Place of Learning University. The Philosophy department put on a show for those willing to watch and here them make fools of themselves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMG20rBfkM8

The Klatchian Capitals Gazetteer

Chapter 2 Nulla Nulla, Capital of The Free Land of Shielas and Bruces

by Hunter Jespersen, Travel writer for City! Magazine.

Certainly the sunniest capital of any of the Capitals of the Klatch is the Capital The Free Land of Shielas and Bruces, Nulla Nulla. On the coast, lovely Nulla Nulla bay has some of the best surfing and beaches (mind the Great Whites) that the Klatch has to offer, a veritable tourist magnet. Nulla Nulla also boasts a bar or pub for every three citizens, where the national pastime of 'Philosophy Debates (Drinking)' take place every night of the week, and twice a night on Fridays and Saturdays.

The national drink, bird animal and plant is beer, pronounced 'bear' by the locals is present in every phase of Bruceian life. Entering The Free Land of Shielas and Bruces is relatively easy, friendly customs officials will stamp your passport and offer you a 'bear', be careful though, refusing a 'bear' is considered very suspicious and you may be pulled aside for a lengthy in depth interrogation by customs officials:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/jaguar1024/bruces02.jpg

After getting drunk, and proving that you are not a threat to national security you can head into the city, be sure to tip your skycap, normally a local 'Aboriginal Bruceian':

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/jaguar1024/DamaWallaby080902_491.jpg

Once in the city itself there are literally hundreds of upscale hotels, each with a bar or two attached, and at every turn friendly Brucians will offer various activities such as:

Grab a bite - drinking
Salute the Prime Minista' - drinking
Go for a swim in the billabong - drinking
Go fishin' - drinking
Go have a surf - drinking
and of course Go for a bear - have dinner

With typical Brucians consuming so much 'bear' their 'Tykes (children)' often rebel by drinking copious amounts of wine and shaving their hair into mohawks, like most rebellious youth, Brucian Tykes can be a handful, so be mindful of cutting off any Tykes out for a 'Scrape':

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/jaguar1024/tyke.jpg

In conclusion Nulla Nulla is a beautiful, energetic city with only two speeds 'bear' and 'hangover' a good time is assured so long as you keep this in mind, and don't worry Brucian police are very forgiving of foreigners that don't know rules, punishment for rowdy foreigners is typically having to watch the Chief Constable have a bit of a dance.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v606/jaguar1024/ep1_1.jpg

Anyhow, come to Nulla Nulla, have a 'bear' a bit of a drunken scrape and remember the motto of the City of Nulla Nulla: 'Cheers!'

The Klatchian Capitals Gazetteer

Chapter 3 Cyro, Capital of The Blessed Kingdom of Dyelli Beybi

by Hunter Jespersen, Travel writer for City! Magazine.

What can you say about Cyro that hasn't been said about any third world capital? Actually that is unfair. Cyro is an advanced, modern, dynamic and cosmopolitan city, it just happens to be bombed back into the third world every 8 months by the next round of 'Dyellian Elections' by which we of course mean civil war.

Getting to Cyro is easy and relatively cheap. Travel Visas can be bought any where after landing, or if you fly Cyro Air, buy one from the stewardess or the shifty looking gentleman sitting next to you picking your pocket.

Cyro has some of the most stunning architecture in the Klatchia. It's many bridges and causeways that suspend the city and it's inhabitants over the swamp it's built on give it the appearance of a futuristic city, suspend impossibly above terra firma. There are ample avenues available for recreation in Cyro, it's many entertainment venues make the endemic crime bearable.

Of course by 'endemic crime' you should understand that bribery, extortion, prostitution and grifting are everywhere. You will remain relatively safe though as the Dyellian Constabulary tend to deal very harshly with the violent criminals. A typical fine for a first offense armed robbery will usually involve one or two gunshots to some very unfortunate areas of the anatomy and then being hoisted over a bridge down to the alligator infested swamps below. The punishment for a second offense borders on barbarism.

Cyro is an ideal place to become acclimated to the Klatchia. One week there and you will understand everything you need to know about the Klatchian character. So, get your visa lined up, buy your tickets, pack plenty of currency for the bribes and take off for Cyro!

Mind the tanks in the streets though, we're having another round of 'Dyellian Elections'.

P.S. Move to the Klatch! We're dying over here!