NationStates Jolt Archive


The Polar Picayune (18 September 2006)

Cluichstan
18-09-2006, 14:54
http://img96.imageshack.us/img96/7572/polarpicayuneheaderzh7.gif (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showforum=20)
18 September 2006

Poll: Federal Republic's Fernanda Still Wildly Popular
Declares Self "Grand Pimp Daddy'

http://www1.folha.uol.com.br/folha/ilustrada/images/20060508-eva.jpg
Vice President Antigone Morgan, seen here sporting a red dress and telling everyone to kiss her "sweet ass" at the recent signing of the Allied Antarctic Asskickers treaty in Paradise City, also has a high approval rating -- and she's much hotter than the president.

PARADISE CITY, OMGTKK -- A new poll released by the Paradise City Town Crier on Tuesday shows the president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny riding a wave of optimism surrounding the Allied Antarctic Asskickers Treaty (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=158), voters giving him high marks despite a number of recent government scandals.

The newspaper said President Fernanda's job-approval rating was at 68 percent among registered voters, a bump over an August poll giving him 61-percent support.

This week's poll also showed Vice President Antigone Morgan with a 59-percent approval rating, and a 67-percent approval for her "incredible body ... er, 'of work.' 'Body of work.'" Support for the AAA was particularly high, with 78 percent expressing hopes for the annihilation of Allemande and 79 percent hooting orgasmically over that "fucking awesome Death Star!" the Cluichstanis won't shut up about. Voters also approved of the administration's handling of the War on Terror, 72 percent declaring it a "Snacktacular Success."

The numbers defy a spate of political scandals hitting Frowning Street, and specifically the president, in recent weeks, including charges of Fernanda flaking on a National Security Council meeting about an imminent terrorist attack to watch football, taking chicks to the roof of his penthouse apartment at Frowning Street to smoke weed, sleeping with assemblywomen to get them to vote his way on legislation, beating up corporate sponsors for trying to veto his policies, sleeping with women corporate sponsors to get them to change their minds, publicly urinating on a statue of former President Thorne, and accepting large kickbacks and all-day passes to Six Flags San Andreas from Amb. Moltan Bausch in exchange for slipping agreeable provisions into the AAA draft.

"It's all a load of horse shit," Fernanda said last week as he boarded Six Flags' terrifying new Death Spiral rollercoaster.

The president's critics expressed befuddlement at the poll results. Said his chief rival, now-Sen. Thorne, who lost the presidency to him last year: "If the paradigm is to support aggressive militarism over diplomatic stewardship, then yes, this poll raises few doubts; I, however, hold that these numbers are not, in fact, based upon genuine sentiments among the general public, but rather an odd predicament they face when confronted with the probability of being stricken repeatedly by an adolescent troglodyte posing as Commander in Chief. However, I must say these results raise serious questions about the study's scientific validity, especially considering the anomalistically high number of respondents identifying their profession as 'Polish hooker.' This must give us all pause as we examine more constructive ways to weigh the true opinions of the average Kennyite ..." At this point, the reporter interviewing Thorne passed out from sheer boredom.

The Town Crier dismissed criticisms that poll was not scientifically accurate.

"Not scientific!" scoffed Managing Editor Ben Knightley. "We used the most accurate tools available to measure presidential approval. If visiting taverns throughout the Federal Republic and raising a beer glass and shouting, 'Three cheers for President Fernanda!', then counting the number of celebratory shots fired into the air versus the number of beer bottles angrily hurled at your head isn't 'scientific' enough for these hippy scumbags, I don't know what is!"

Morgan, for her part, was delighted about her approval. "What can I say? I know what the people want," she happily told a photojournalist for Basin City's Channel 3 News. "And it's all right here!" she added, pointing to her rack. "Wait ... can you edit that out? ... Can you edit that out? That was kinda lame ... I got it from a Sonny and Cher rerun on TV Land. ... Oh, can't you take it out?? ... Let's try it again! Please?"

Fernanda took a break from the treaty signing currently underway at 10 Frowning Street (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=137) to visit the press room and gloat.

"You know what these numbers say, fuckers?" he told the assembled muckrakers, his voice ringing with angry jubilation. "They say you assholes can't fuck with me! They say the people aren't buying all these trumped-up 'scandals,' and 'serious questions,' and 'journalistic integrity,' and 'paternity tests'! The next time you shitheads come out with another one of your phony stories, y'all can come up here behind this podium, and suck my ..."

"Mr. President, did you violate the Antarctic Oasis free-trade agreement when you said Vice President's Morgan's red dress made her look 'like a blood clot'?" interrupted an eager reporter.

"Seriously, that the best you bitches got on me?" Fernanda sneered. "I never said it made her look like a 'blood clot'; I said it made look like a five-dollar whore! Next question."

Reporters peppered him with questions about his chief corporate sponsor, Blast! Cola, and how recent studies have shown that the popular soft drink does not, in fact, despite the claims of its advertising slogan, 'put some fucking hair on your nads!'"

"You losers actually did a study on that?" asked Fernanda mockingly.

Reporters pressed him on another corporate sponsor, Mexicali Beer, and accusations that its new billboard campaign showing an icy Mexicali bottle beneath the words 'Finally, a cold Latina,' were insensitive to women and Hispanics.

"I have no problem with that ad, and I'm Latino," the president pointed out.

"Really?" a reporter asked skeptically. "Say something in Spanish."

"Chingue su madre--"

"Something that's not about having sex with my mother."

"Um ... me gusta tomar cerveza mucho?"

Seventy-two percent of respondents agreed with the president's assertion that he likes to drink beer a lot.



Gruenberg Repeals Women's Right to Vote
Replaces With Right to Make Dinner

FLURTHWEL, Gruenberg -- The past few days have been dogged with commentary and controversy over the provisions of the Emergency Powers Act, signed into law by the Sultan shortly before his departure to Paradise City to attend the ceremony to open the Antarctic Oasis regional security agreement, but tonight a sweaty, bulging carbuncle of a scale of disgustingness of metaphor not previously seen since conservative columnist Hakki Sendan, former partner of Opposition leader Popo Poppypants, described her "Swiss cheese", where did this sentence begin, oh, this carbuncle erupted in a Krakatoa of stinking yellow pus of political mayhem as someone noticed that one of the appendixes to the EPA repealed women's right to vote.

http://fuzzyslogic.com/blerk/feminists.jpg
One of the rare protests by feminists seen in Gruenberg. They were later herded off to prison by police.

The law is a lengthy document, with an unconventional page numbering system, and is written extensively in dead languages - all tactics, accuse members of the National Liberal party who had previously approved the Act, to deter scrutiny and ensure its more sweeping provisions were overlooked. "They tried this shit with the UN Educational Aid Act already," said welfare spokesman Merbar Chon. "We just didn't realize they'd go this far."

The EPA was presented as a response to GC12, the explosion of a GruenChem factory in Arradan. Recovery and investigation efforts are still ongoing. Yet the law has turned out to grant far more power to the Sultan, Viziery, and the upper layer of central government, and in turned removed many important decisions from local, regional and congressional control and oversight. Critics say it has undone years of progressive legislation, and marks a definitive return to centralised autocracy. However, these faggots are pretentious pricks, so no one gives a fuck what they say.

The repealing of female suffrage has been decried by a number of activists from feminists and women's rights organization, but they have also reluctantly noted the otherwise apathetic reception. At the last election, fewer than 3 in 10 women voted at any of the levels, and only 7% cast votes in all seven tiers of election. Few women are involved in Gruenberger politics, and Popo Poppypants is herself one of only three female members of the houses of Congress.

The role of women in Gruenberger society is somewhat complex. On the one hand, they are accorded great status in the image of Mother Wena, and women are commonly afforded "elder" status in local communities rather than men. On the other hand, the state itself has long legislated against what are seen as women's interests, and sexism and sexual discrimination remains rampant in business and in daily life. Recent reforms had seen women gain greater legal protection, but the removal of the right to vote signals an emphatic end to this.

However, very few women outside Flurthwel have voiced opposition to the change - it has even been welcomed in some quarters. Mothers Against Weird Stuff, the conservative think-tank with links to the anti-women's suffrage lobby Women's Council on Democracy, has long listed women voting as "Officially Weird", and its chair, Lori Jiffjeff, was quick to dismiss claims that the removal of right to vote violated international law. "In no way do Gruenberg's international obligations entitle women to some sort of 'right' to vote, and in no way does the removal of this right contravene UN Resolution #99, Discrimination Accord. In fact, this situation is exactly the kind that the resolution makes specific allowance for."

Niana Greisch, former head of the International Development Bank, said that the Court had demonstrated itself once again to be sexist and bigotted. Official spokesmen from the Viziery laughed off this suggestion, saying, "Don't listen to her, she's just a woman."



UN DEFCON Moves HQ to Death Star

CLUICHABAD, Cluichstan -- Cluichstani Defense Minister Sheik Nottap bin Cluich announced yesterday that the United Nations Defense Convention (UN DEFCON) (http://s15.invisionfree.com/UN_DEFCON) has officially relocated its headquarters. The organization will no longer meet in a secret bunker at an undisclosed location and will instead reside on Cluichstan's Death Star (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=142), an enormous battlestation orbiting the planet.

"Who wants to fuck with us now?" Sheik Nottap asked those assembled for his press conference.

Sheik Nikrat bin Cluich, commander of the Cluichstani Death Star, welcomed the move. "We are pleased to have DEFCON onboard," he said. "We look forward to using our primary laser to threaten -- I mean, persuade -- those who oppose the organisation's efforts at making the world a safer place."

http://scifi3d.theforce.net/downloads/Star_Wars/SWImages/2576_lge_grandmofftarkin.jpg
Commander of the Death Star, Sheik Nikrat bin Cluich, warns the world that UN DEFCON is not to be trifled with.

The cheerful mood was echoed by a number of DEFCON members, including the president of the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny, Manuelo Fernanda, who, when contacted for comment at the recent ceremony for the signing of a mutual defense pact among members of the region of Antarctic Oasis (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=137&st=0), said, "Woo yeah! We're gonna blow some shit up! Boom! Pow!"

Contacted via telephone, DEFCON representative Bob Flibble, from the Flibbleite nation, who had previously expressed concerns about the vulnerability of the main exhaust post of the Death Star (a vulnerability that has since been addressed by a major upgrade of the station), said, "But...but...how can I hit anyone with a trout from space? I mean, I've got a big trout, but it's not that big!"

Bob Flibble's single apprehension aside, most members of DEFCON were extremely pleased with the move. Gruenberger Princess Jianna, also contacted at the recent Antarctic Oasis ceremony, surrounded by Karmicarian callboys (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showtopic=33), said, "Like, omigawd! It's, like, totally cool to have access to the Death Star! Hey, I'm outta beer here! Which one of you boys is gonna fetch me another?"

DEFCON's move to the Death Star will be officially completed today, once Sheik Nottap gets one last iced coffee from the secret bunker, the location of which has now been disclosed: a Dunkin' Donuts in suburban Massachusetts.



Dolphins Compete for Supremacy in The Palentine

THE BURGH, The Palentine -- Last weekend, the brave, but profane naval defenders of The Palentine had their annual competition to decide the leader of the Naval Detachment.

http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f235/HoratioSulla/Palentine_Naval_dolphin.jpg
CPO Nolly asks photographers, "What the fuck are you looking at?"


The competion was held at one of the Palentine's naval bases. There were about 200 Dolphins competing for the top spot of Admiral of the Red. A score of captured UN Compliance Gnomes, rounded up by Gnomish Warband Thain Thadbroxton Kornweasel III, were the judges for the competion. Refereeing the event, was a panel of five retired and active Duty Navy CPOs and Marine Gunny Sgts.

At the start of the competion, each dolphin was given two minutes to give full vent to their profanity. Success was measured by how many gnomes passed out from shock. After the gnomes were revived, the top 10 finaliasts were given five minutes each to do their worse.

Because of a tie, two Dolphins, CPO Nolly and Chief Bos'un Mate Pip, had to engage in a swear off. CPO Nolly was declared the winner after utttering the lines: "What the [censored] [expunged] [really bad word] [ditto] is your [disgusting word] major [yowzah] [bleep] malfuntion [very vile expletive] [blush] [disgusting and possibly illegal act], you [anatomically impossible act] [word deleted]!

A letter of congratulations was sent to Admiral of the Red Nolly by the Emperor, and His Imperial Highness, who were told to "
" by a very happy Admiral Nolly.


=======

Note: [i]The Polar Picayune is the newspaper for Antarctic Oasis (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?). If you think your nation would like to be a part of this sort of thing, please feel free to join. We'd be happy to have more loonies. :)

[b]To read the most recent back issue of The Polar Picayune, click here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=497752).
Cluichstan
19-09-2006, 14:01
Bring Us More Pie.
Karmicaria
23-09-2006, 02:31
This is just a bump....:)
Cluichstan
25-09-2006, 17:27
Bring Umbrellas. Much Precipitation.
Cluichstan
28-09-2006, 13:33
http://www.p0stwh0res.com/images/bumpsign1.jpg
Cluichstan
29-09-2006, 13:41
Buy Ukrainian Meat Pies.
Karmicaria
01-10-2006, 14:57
http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g93/JamieNesci/bump2.jpg
Cluichstan
02-10-2006, 13:44
Belching Underscores My Point.
Karmicaria
04-10-2006, 01:07
Boil Up More Puppies.
Cluichstan
04-10-2006, 17:15
Britney Uses Many Penises.
Cluichstan
05-10-2006, 13:44
Buried Under Much Poop.
Cluichstan
06-10-2006, 14:18
Bring Us More Penelope.

Well, if I insist...

http://www.myclassiclyrics.com/artist_biographies/Penelope_Cruz_Biography.jpg