NationStates Jolt Archive


The Polar Picayune (29 August 2006)

Cluichstan
29-08-2006, 14:59
http://img96.imageshack.us/img96/7572/polarpicayuneheaderzh7.gif (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?showforum=20)
29 August 2006

Royal Cat "Scared But Safe" in Wake of Chemical Disaster

http://www.britishshorthaircats.ca/images/BSH_tabby.gif
Thanks to some quick thinking, Gruenberger Princess Lara Woltzten’s cat, Mr. Tiddlewumps (above), was saved from what could’ve been certain death.

MOROSCHWEGEN, Gruenberg -- Princess Lara Woltzten was this morning described as "overjoyed" at the news that her cat, Mr. Tiddlewumps, has been found safe and sound in an emergency bunker in Arradan, last night struck by what threatens to be one of the most serious industrial incidents in Gruenberg's history. As news of the accident spread, fears mounted for the safety of Mr. Tiddlewumps, who was visiting the city for professional grooming.

Mr. Tiddlewumps, a four-year-old longhair tabby, was due to spend a long weekend at the KittyKool KatiKure Kolosseum, an ultra-exclusive private center for pampered felines, and arrived in Arradan late on Thursday night with his handlers and entourage, as well as three other cats from the royal household, all of which have been safely recovered. He was expected to begin his treatment with a "teeth-and-claw session" today, but then cat-astrophe struck, as a massive explosion rocked the city, filling its streets with toxic gases -- and the heart of Princess Lara with dread for her beloved companion.

In the early hours of the morning, the GruenChem Industrial Production Facility 12, usually known as GC12, was hit by serious problems, with fire spreading throughout the complex, causing ruptures to pipelines and storage containers, and most seriously, a massive detonation of its principal reaction facility, sparking a chain reaction of explosions. The causes for the accident are not yet known.

Poisonous gases, believed to include the alkylating agent phosgene and a number of cyanide compounds such as hydrogen cyanide, spread rapidly through the historic city of Arradan, which contains some of the earliest Wenaist temples to be found in the heartland of Gruenberg. As other factories and processing units in the industrial park caught fire, further chemicals, many highly toxic, were released, whilst serious fires broke out throughout the city. Mr. Tiddlewumps was thought to have certainly have been injured in the resultant mayhem.

Unbeknownst to the wider world, however, as firefighters and emergency response crews battled to contain the flames and evacuate the civilian population, quick-thinking workers at Mr. Tiddlewumps's hotel hurried him and the other royal moggies to the Kolosseum's special bunker, bravely fighting off the selfish peasants trying to claw their way in. The cats were safely locked in the facility, with its own internal air, water, and food supplies, as well as 24-hour karaoke facilities and four custom jacuzzis.

By the morning, emergency rescue experts had drilled a tunnel, and the cats were airlifted clear, to be flown straight back to Moroschwegen, where Princess Lara is currently enjoying a week-long holiday. The cats were reportedly very frightened, but had managed to drink some of their milk. Mr. Tiddlewumps was checked by vets, and confirmed as healthy, although the Kolosseum has ordered an internal investigation after it emerged he had "some guck" on his collar.

Speaking on behalf of the overwhelmed Princess, a Viziery official said, "I am so happy that Mr. Tiddles [the princess’s pet name for the cat] is safe. I was so worried. I just want to thank everyone who helped save my special little friend for me."

Mr Tiddlewumps has been a member of the royal family since birth and is the son of Princess Lara's previous cat, Jessykins, who passed away last year of natural causes.

It is not the first time the Kolosseum has been struck by disaster: seven years ago, its sauna area was destroyed in an RPG attack by Gelzien insurgents, who decried "the lavish expense of these beasts while our children starve -- and also its appalling name. I mean, geez."

However, this time the building has endured much more substantial damage, although the Sultan has promised an immediate aid package to help it reconstruct its grounds, swimming pools, and CatCopter Flying School.

Also, the death toll in Arradan is thought to exceed 10,000.


Virgin Mary Sighted in Burnt Macaroni Dish

DEL SAGRADO CORAZON, Xt'Kalifia, OMGTKK -- Seventy-five-year-old Bertha Cunningham thought she had ruined her dinner Sunday night as she pulled a charred macaroni casserole from her oven, but as soon as the smoke cleared, she discovered what she claimed was a miracle from heaven. Burnt into the top of the entree were patterns bearing a striking resemblance to Our Lady of Perpetual Belligerence.

"It's just so wonderful that God would choose my supper to carry a message of peace during these troubled times," a weeping Cunningham told a reporter. "I am overwhelmed."

Local church leaders are hailing the sighting as a symbol of Christ's love. "It's a sign that the Blessed Virgin is still keeping watch over us, even during these trying times," said Msgr. Johan Happenblap of the Del Sagrado Corazon Parish, "and a sign that [Kennyite Vice-President] Antigone Morgan is a cradle-robbing slut."

http://vnexpress.net/Vietnam/Van-hoa/Guong-mat-Nghe-sy/2005/05/3B9DDC58/eva-longoria-1.jpg
The Polar Picayune would like to thank Msgr. Johan Happenblap for mentioning Kennyite Vice President Antigone Morgan, thus giving us an excuse to run a photo of her. Damn! SHE’S HOT!


Karmicarian Queen Seeks Husband

KARMA CITY, Karmicaria -- Queen Adrienne of the Queendom of Karmicaria has announced today that she will be on the hunt for a husband. Though she was not available for comment, her advisor, Lady Dominique, has said that the queen is "very much ready to settle down and start a family."

http://img96.imageshack.us/img96/8602/3pi4.jpg
Think you can satisfy her?

The queen will be holding a Royal Ball in mid-September. Invitations will be sent out to every household within the Queendom of Karmicaria, as well as the entire region of Antarctic Oasis. It is the hope of the queen that all eligible bachelors will be in attendance. There will also be a contest to woo the beautiful Queen. The winner of the contest will then have a brief courtship so the couple may get to know each other, followed by the most glorious wedding the world has ever seen.


No Metric Equivalent of a Buttload, Say Cluichstani Scientists

CLUICHABAD, Cluichstan -- After years of dedicated research, the head of research at the Cluichstani Academy of Science and Technology announced last week that he has been unable to define a metric equivalent for a buttload and has concluded that there simply is not one.

Dr. Gnikwah bin Keeg, chief of research at CAST, told reporters that, despite spending the last 40 years of his life intensely studying and researching the question, hoping to find a metric equivalent of a buttload, he has been unable to discover one. “I can’t find jack shit,” the frustrated scientist said.

When one reporter asked Dr. Gnikwah why he had spent so much time and effort trying to find a metric equivalent of a buttload, the scientist replied, “Screw you! I don’t expect you mental midgets to understand the great questions of science!”

http://www.sonichospital.com/images/scientist.JPG
Nipples next for chief Cluichstani research scientist Dr. Gnikwah bin Keeg?

After a few moments to regain his composure and restrain his inner self from taking over and changing him into a horrid monster (a problem he’s had since some of his early experiments during his university years), Dr. Gnikwah explained that he will be moving on to another project but that he had yet to decide upon which one. “I’ve been pondering why men still have nipples for a long time, so that’s one way I could go,” he said. “But I’m also rather curious about that Kennyite vice president, so I may um…try to study her.”


Emperor Spaulding Shows His Dooziness

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine -- In a suprising imperial announcement (actually most of these announcements come as a suprise), Emperor Captain Spaulding I has announced that HIH Jhessan will be installed as co-empress in January.

http://weatherfish.com/etc/marxbros/animalcrackers/ac05.jpg
The Palentine’s Emperor Captain Spaulding I (seen here with an unidentified woman in the UN Strangers Bar) has announced that HIH Jhessan will be elevated to co-emperor.

Needless to say, the palace staff, assorted government officials, and members of the press corps were rendered speechless by the announcement. The emperor, in his appearance before the press, was wearing orange plaid knickers, a brown tam-o-shanty, and purple sweater, and he was carrying his golf clubs. He stopped at the mike and said:

“Greetings and salutations, excetery excetery. Due to the fact that she's doing a bang-up job, and because I'd like to spend more times on the links, I'm announcing HIH Jhessan will be installed as co-empress at the beginning of the coming year. She has it all: she's smart and beautiful, is a deadly shot, and has a wicked left hook. Don't get your hopes up, you nay-saying nabobs of negativism, I'm not going anywhere soon. I'll still be there as an advisor and mentor, but the day-to-day job of leading this great nation will be hers. Now if you’ll excuse me, I've got a 12:05 tee time.”

With that, the Emperor left the room, before the stunned audience could muster a question. More details shall follow, as the press can wheedle them out of the officials.


Special Report
What Do You Think of His Dooziness?

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine -- After Emperor Captain Spaulding’s startling announcement this morning, Biff Bifferson of The Daily Flatulence, went to the streets to get the feelings of the average citizen.

Question: What do you think of the emperor's bombshell?

John Q. Public, Ironworker: "I don't blame him. Hey If I could find a way to goof off and get someone else to do the work...and get paid for it, I'd do the same thing.

Shelia Wadpole, Fashion Consultant: “Ugh! The emperor has terrible taste in clothing. Paine Stewart would shudder..."

Muffy Iverson, Student: "Like, ohmigod! This is like so totally awesome, like you know, tee-hee-hee. What was the question again?"

Phil Marcus, Linebacker, 'Burgh Defenestrators: "I'd do her in a heartbeat!"

CPO Nolly, Palentine Naval Dolphin: "What the [censored] [foul word] question is that, you [BEEP] [BLEEP] son of a [BEEP] and [GROSS EXPLETIVE]!!!"


Retired Werepenguins Speak Out in UN

AZURE CITY, Free Land of Retired Werepenguins -- Amber Red-Brown, daughter of Christine Red, Faithful Admiral, stunned the nation of Retired Werepenguins when she addressed the United Nations (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=11598114&postcount=67) at the start of a floor debate over the proposed repeal of a marriage resolution.

The proposed repeal is controversial because it attempts to suggest that any non-human intercourse is equivalent to bestiality. Currently serving as the aide to the delegate of Tzorsland, the Meddling Monk, in her capacity within the Tzorsland Werepenguin Naval Service, she gave a short but stirring speech to the early-morning delegates, who were still clearly showing signs of hangovers from the night before.

With her newfound stage on the international spotlight, Amber Red-Brown has catapulted herself into the world of international politics. Clearly, her passionate speech was rather simplistic, and going dolphin isn't going to earn her any political brownie points, but she does show signs of possessing a strong potential for high office once she receives the famous RTO [Retired Tzorsland Officer] required for higher office in the nation of Retired Werepenguins.

http://pic9.picturetrail.com/VOL291/1756382/5512569/173876309.jpg

Her sister Rouge Red-Brown was asked for comment. Speaking from her cell phone (hands free, it should be noted) from her Harley, Rouge simply said, "Way to go, Sis!"

A number of dolphins were also contacted for their comments, but they said nothing that this newspaper can legally publish.

The new nation of Frustrated Franciscans was quick to comment on the speech. "This is another example of the decadent Tzorsland and the atheistic Werepenguins trying to defend their hedonistic way of life! Marriage is between a human man and a human woman. Anything else is blasphemous and disgusting."

=======

Note: The Polar Picayune is the newspaper for Antarctic Oasis (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?). If you think your nation would like to be a part of this sort of thing, please feel free to join. We'd be happy to have more loonies. :)
Cluichstan
30-08-2006, 17:19
We have been informed that some readers were unable to view the picture of Kennyite VP Antigone Morgan. We believe the problem should be remedied now and apologise for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Sheik Ebolg bin Cluich
Publisher, The Polar Picayune
Cluichstan
31-08-2006, 17:53
http://www.chocolatecityweb.com/bump.jpg
Cluichstan
01-09-2006, 17:00
http://www.p0stwh0res.com/images/bumpsign1.jpg
Ardchoille
02-09-2006, 00:56
Knowing The Polar Picayune's devotion to the highest standards of journalism, I am sure that, as a publication of record, you will want to set the record straight.

The caption on the photograph of Captain Spaulding identifies the location as the UN Strangers Bar.

However, the Bar has never displayed such uninspired decor.

Perhaps your cosmopolitan readership will be able to identify where and what the location actually is.

-- Neville NotThatOne Chamberlain, Barlord.
Cluichstan
02-09-2006, 02:30
Knowing The Polar Picayune's devotion to the highest standards of journalism, I am sure that, as a publication of record, you will want to set the record straight.

The caption on the photograph of Captain Spaulding identifies the location as the UN Strangers Bar.

However, the Bar has never displayed such uninspired decor.

Perhaps your cosmopolitan readership will be able to identify where and what the location actually is.

-- Neville NotThatOne Chamberlain, Barlord.

OOC: Damn you... :p
UN Building Mgmt
02-09-2006, 05:37
Knowing The Polar Picayune's devotion to the highest standards of journalism, I am sure that, as a publication of record, you will want to set the record straight.

The caption on the photograph of Captain Spaulding identifies the location as the UN Strangers Bar.

However, the Bar has never displayed such uninspired decor.

Perhaps your cosmopolitan readership will be able to identify where and what the location actually is.

-- Neville NotThatOne Chamberlain, Barlord.

Actually Mr. Chamberlain, that appears to be the UN Building Management Employee Lounge. I'll have to have a talk with the Maintence of Order Department about how the heck he got in there as only employees of the UN Building Management are supposed to be in there.

William Smithers
Senior VP, UN Building Management
Karmicaria
05-09-2006, 03:54
Lookin' good.
Cluichstan
05-09-2006, 22:16
Just a note to readers: The next edition of The Polar Picayune will be published next week. Henceforth, you can look forward to receiving news from Antarctic Oasis (http://z11.invisionfree.com/Antarctic_Oasis/index.php?) on a bi-weekly basis.

Sincerely,
Sheik Ebolg bin Cluich
Publisher, The Polar Picayune
Karmicaria
07-09-2006, 07:30
http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g93/JamieNesci/bumpsign1.jpg
Cluichstan
07-09-2006, 14:15
You cheated on the bump by using the same pic I did earlier in this thread. :p

Just my way of bumping it yet again.
Karmicaria
09-09-2006, 15:09
So sue me.:p

http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g93/JamieNesci/bump2.jpg
Karmicaria
10-09-2006, 21:25
http://i54.photobucket.com/albums/g93/JamieNesci/bump3.jpg
Cluichstan
13-09-2006, 19:01
UPDATE: Due to strike by the workers at the presses of The Polar Picayune, publication of the next issue has been delayed. The strike should be over soon, once we've beaten all of the workers with sticks. We apologise for the delay.

Sincerely,
Sheik Ebolg bin Cluich
Publisher, The Polar Picayune