NationStates Jolt Archive

It's time ... LONG overdue ... for the infamous Holiday Anecdote thread.

The idea, essentially, is that the holiday season brings a lot of circumstances upon the great populace of NS ... some of those circumstances are pleasurable, some excruciating, some wistful, and some jovial.
Certainly, a few of the circumstances are worth repeating for the humourous recall of fellow posters/readers ... as Sarkhaan astutely pointed out, there's a lot of venting as well ... and that makes for a most interesting digital tapestry.

So if there's a story in your mind about a great or horrible holiday experience you'd like to share, feel free to post here about it!
Just ... if you can ... try not to curse too much in the process. :)

So I have a great aunt. She comes every thanksgiving, and often, for hanukkah.

This is the great aunt that I have answered the phone, heard "Hello? It's Emma. Is anyone there?" and broke into "You have reached 555-6418. We aren't available right now, please leave a message after the beep"

she tried to.

So anyway. She is here. My grandparents are up as well.

My great aunt has a piece of rice hanging off the corner of her mouth. We aren't having rice. I have no idea where it came from. Somehow, every time we have a meal together, it's there. *shrug*

So we're eating, and my great aunt says something that noone can hear (she has a paralysed vocal cord). Two minutes of silence of me, my sister, and my parents trying to figure out what she said in pure silence. Out of nowhere, my grandpa raises his glass and says "In my day, that's what we called an orgy". Soda rockets out of my sisters nose. I start choking on my food. My dad sprints out of the room. My great aunt is confused. My grandma is shreaking after my dad to see if he's alright. My mom is chugging her wine. My grandpa, as if to finish it all off, just farts and keeps eating as if nothing happened.

I leave the table and go eat with my dog.

So I have a great aunt. She comes every thanksgiving, and often, for hanukkah.

This is the great aunt that I have answered the phone, heard "Hello? It's Emma. Is anyone there?" and broke into "You have reached 555-6418. We aren't available right now, please leave a message after the beep"

she tried to.

So anyway. She is here. My grandparents are up as well.

My great aunt has a piece of rice hanging off the corner of her mouth. We aren't having rice. I have no idea where it came from. Somehow, every time we have a meal together, it's there. *shrug*

So we're eating, and my great aunt says something that noone can hear (she has a paralysed vocal cord). Two minutes of silence of me, my sister, and my parents trying to figure out what she said in pure silence. Out of nowhere, my grandpa raises his glass and says "In my day, that's what we called an orgy". Soda rockets out of my sisters nose. I start choking on my food. My dad sprints out of the room. My great aunt is confused. My grandma is shreaking after my dad to see if he's alright. My mom is chugging her wine. My grandpa, as if to finish it all off, just farts and keeps eating as if nothing happened.

I leave the table and go eat with my dog.LMAO! That had me in stitches! Hahaha. :eek:

Rice?
...reminds me of an episode of Night Court. :eek:

I have at least one or two anecdotes ... and Sark ... one of them is the TURKEY BASTER anecdote!
Or one of them, at least. *nods emphatically*

As for today ... i was at the club today, where i was having a "cool down" in the hot tub, where this other dude was on the opposite side of the tub, thinking about whatever meandered under his bald, sweat-glistened cranium. He was visibly uncomfortable with me disturbing his solace, and i figured he wanted some alone nude time. Well, he wasn't gonna get it. For all i knew, he was REALLY enjoying his intimate alone time IN THE HEALTH CLUB's hot tub.
For a few seconds, i looked to the ceiling, where a somewhat use-tanned orange bulb lightly illuminated the white and green tile in a way that seemed strangely and fittingly remniscient of certain horror-themed video games i'd seen through the past decade or so.
It also occurred to me that maybe, for just a few seconds, the guy was snickering to himself at a homicidal thought or two involving me for ruining his private time ... and also, it occurred to me, that it's probably a quite common reaction in that kind of situation.
About a second or two later, i thought that perhaps ... just perhaps ... the guy really didn't have anyone to spend time with that mattered to him during this season .... and then, i immediately followed in thought with the idea that perhaps he was sick of everyone in his family and being naked in the hot tub was his only preference of refuge.
Either way, i never really struck up the conversation before he grunted and sauntered out of the tub past me, a slightly grieved and pained expression on his face.

I have at least one or two anecdotes ... and Sark ... one of them is the TURKEY BASTER anecdote!
Or one of them, at least. *nods emphatically*

Oh, the turkey baster shall, without question, make its presence known in this thread...much to my ex's shame :)

as for further stories, I'm afraid they shall have to wait untill tomorrow. I have the feeling it'll be a bit of a quiet day, so I'll use it to bump whenever I get up, if needed.

My family is always good for a little holiday mayhem.

Sooooo...

My folk's folks are visiting here, along with my Aunt. Now, these are my favorite Grandparents (not that my other ones aren't cool, or anything), and they provide hours of entertainment normally...

However, they caused me a moment of true disgust this Winter, when, at a local (Really good) Chinese place, the following occured:

We were sitting and discussing what we had to do when we got home, and dad said that he had to clean out of the Ash Pit in our fireplace (We had a major power outage, and the fire had been being used for the 5 days we were without power).

My grandfather being, well, Grandpa, interjects, "That's funny (name removed), I could have sworn you had a lisp, right then."

Now, up until now, I'm laughing, but then my aunt leans over and says to my Mom, "He said that's why he married you, you know."

Oh. My. Fucking. God. I did not need to hear that. Sooo... I just sit there muttering in my head "Oh please make it go away. PLEASE make it go away. Dear lord, make it stop!", but to no avail. The conversation went on for a minute, and, I am afraid to say, that I am scarred, for life.

*looks for the: "Hiding in the corner, hugging knees and shaking" smiley*

I regret that i have almost NOTHING on your family anecdotes. Seriously.

There was a time a LONG while back .. a Thanksgiving dinner some time passed.
My grandpa was there to share, on a rare occasion.
My mom was really good at making clumpy rice for dinner, and for that reason, i'd always insisted on extra juice or milk to help wash it down. And on this particular occasion, the turkey was dry, and the whole combination was too arid and impalatable to me without a few glasses of milk.
I was trying to wash down the last of my meal when i was suddenly confronted with an unforseen sneeze. With the VERY scant time i had, i tried desperately to swallow, but if any of y'all have tried to swallow a wad of rice and milk while simultaneously stifling a sneeze ... so i coughed and tried to swallow, all too late, and the sneeze blew milk and rice all over the table in front of everyone.
Thanks to my quick wit and appreciation of the situation, i couldn't help but laugh afterwards. I wasn't even smacked with anything, just directed out and not invited to another dining audience with anyone other than immediate family members for the rest of my life.

The cool thing was, directly after the sneeze, a light mist of milk still took a second or two to cast a light glaze over the table, after hovering in the air in an ever-so-sparkly fashion.

A couple of Christmases ago me, my brothers, sister, aunt, grandmother, mom, and dad were all sitting at the table preparing to eat Christmas Dinner, when out of the clear blue sky after saying "amen" my mom turns to me and says...

"So, Stephen, do you have porn on your computer?"

At this point, everyone else at the table turns to me and looks at me in that "well, do you?" Kind of way, and it is a complete 15 or so seconds before I reply.

"Yes, Mom, I do," I said.

"And how much?" She says.

At this point, I was completely taken aback, thinking what in the hell is the matter with this crazy, crazy woman! Then I reply...

"Nearly 30GB..."

Then she goes a bit FURTHER, asking...

"Gay porn?"

I'm frickin' heating up because I still can't get my head around the idea of why she's asking me this at all, or even during Christmas dinner, so I say...

"Yes Mom, and how much porn do you have on YOURS?"

Everyone started to laugh hysterically.

It's time ... LONG overdue ... for the infamous Holiday Anecdote thread.

The idea, essentially, is that the holiday season brings a lot of circumstances upon the great populace of NS ... some of those circumstances are pleasurable, some excruciating, some wistful, and some jovial.
Certainly, a few of the circumstances are worth repeating for the humourous recall of fellow posters/readers ... as Sarkhaan astutely pointed out, there's a lot of venting as well ... and that makes for a most interesting digital tapestry.

So if there's a story in your mind about a great or horrible holiday experience you'd like to share, feel free to post here about it!
Just ... if you can ... try not to curse too much in the process. :)

Hi Straughn.

Anyway, most of my anecdotes deal with carting Christmas trees around. Back when we used to purchase trees at a tree farm, we'd drop the tree off the van along the way home somewhere, usually on a bridge or somewhere equally frustrating for all the drivers around us. That's why a couple years ago we finally stopped doing that and started hacking down trees from our back yard instead.

-snip-

LOL! Classic!

<snip> Out of nowhere, my grandpa raises his glass and says "In my day, that's what we called an orgy". <snip>

Your grandpa wins at life.

It's time ... LONG overdue ... for the infamous Holiday Anecdote thread.

The idea, essentially, is that the holiday season brings a lot of circumstances upon the great populace of NS ... some of those circumstances are pleasurable, some excruciating, some wistful, and some jovial.
Certainly, a few of the circumstances are worth repeating for the humourous recall of fellow posters/readers ... as Sarkhaan astutely pointed out, there's a lot of venting as well ... and that makes for a most interesting digital tapestry.

So if there's a story in your mind about a great or horrible holiday experience you'd like to share, feel free to post here about it!
Just ... if you can ... try not to curse too much in the process. :)

Well I don't have any anecdotes, but we now have what looks to be a Byzantine religious miniature on the mantlepeice - courtesy of a rather interesting choice of present by one of my mum's teaching assistants, and five minutes on Google image search. I'd post a picture, but no digital camera. Yeah, I fail at anecdotes.

Your grandpa wins at life.

You know...we still aren't sure exactly what was an orgy back in his day...


Anyway, I think it is time for the infamous turkey baster story.

So back in high school, I was dating this girl. We had (and still have) a very weird relationship. Anyway, one day she comes in to school and is laughing, and says she needs to talk to me. So we talk, and she tells me that the night before, she had used the families turkey baster to...well...pleasure herself. The icing on the proverbial cake was that she put it back without washing it. Now mind you, this girl was raised in a very Christian house (when her mother washed her first thong, she put it on my ex's bed with a bible)

So a short time later, it is thanksgiving, and I go over her house for dinner. We're all sitting there, the turkey baster only a faint memory. Her grandmother is eating her turkey and asks if there is a new seasoning on it. Me and my ex burst out laughing hysterically. The rest of the family is confused.

I don't think we ever found out if there was a true new seasoning on the turkey. I kinda refused to eat it.

I told her brother that story last night. He was mildly amused, but looked a little sick.

So, me and my then-gf are at her mom's for Thanksgiving, and her mom's less-than-stellar example of an old man is trying in his feeble way to make some kind of pre-meal conversation. Because i wasn't so keen on talking with the guy about anything, really, i had the day's paper quickly on hand. He started talking about health and kidney stones (of which i've already experienced) and his good old days working with mineral water and health food (for which he currently assiduously avoids). I'd already heard about a few of the weird pastimes he had been involved with - one was being one of those urban legends who hadn't had the foresight to keep himself lubed up sufficiently when he was feeling experimental - and then he says "Don't think I'm weird or anything, but ..."

That was when i knew to lift the paper to cover my face.
That caught my gf's attention, since it was the sports section, for which i find very little to keep my interest, which she thought was a bit peculiar. Unfortunately for her, seeing me do that wasn't a complete enough distraction, and he decided to explain the benefits of liquefying turkey and rhubarb in a blender with a few other choice, viscous materials, and then giving yourself the application (presumably with a turkey baster).
A good, vigorous, leg-shaking cleansing can do such incredible wonders for your constitution ... at least, he was saying something like that. I was trying desperately to read about sports statistics or SOMETHING that would keep me from screaming out in laughter.

Then, a bit of smoky silence.

And a few painful moments later, the main course of the eve was presented, and we all felt a little bit more experienced.

Hi Straughn.

Anyway, most of my anecdotes deal with carting Christmas trees around. Back when we used to purchase trees at a tree farm, we'd drop the tree off the van along the way home somewhere, usually on a bridge or somewhere equally frustrating for all the drivers around us. That's why a couple years ago we finally stopped doing that and started hacking down trees from our back yard instead.
Hi KY :)

I was hoping i'd just set roots for a good tree in the center of my domicile and nurture it through a few good seasons (of course, planning on staying there a while) - at first, of course, it looks like Charlie Brown's tree ...
but then, i live on the top floor of an apartment complex, at the moment, so i'm not sure how willing the folks beneath will be. :)

ROFLcaust!

I have no truly funny holiday anecdotes. :(

You know...we still aren't sure exactly what was an orgy back in his day...


Anyway, I think it is time for the infamous turkey baster story.

So back in high school, I was dating this girl. We had (and still have) a very weird relationship. Anyway, one day she comes in to school and is laughing, and says she needs to talk to me. So we talk, and she tells me that the night before, she had used the families turkey baster to...well...pleasure herself. The icing on the proverbial cake was that she put it back without washing it. Now mind you, this girl was raised in a very Christian house (when her mother washed her first thong, she put it on my ex's bed with a bible)

So a short time later, it is thanksgiving, and I go over her house for dinner. We're all sitting there, the turkey baster only a faint memory. Her grandmother is eating her turkey and asks if there is a new seasoning on it. Me and my ex burst out laughing hysterically. The rest of the family is confused.

I don't think we ever found out if there was a true new seasoning on the turkey. I kinda refused to eat it.

I told her brother that story last night. He was mildly amused, but looked a little sick.
So, me and my then-gf are at her mom's for Thanksgiving, and her mom's less-than-stellar example of an old man is trying in his feeble way to make some kind of pre-meal conversation. Because i wasn't so keen on talking with the guy about anything, really, i had the day's paper quickly on hand. He started talking about health and kidney stones (of which i've already experienced) and his good old days working with mineral water and health food (for which he currently assiduously avoids). I'd already heard about a few of the weird pastimes he had been involved with - one was being one of those urban legends who hadn't had the foresight to keep himself lubed up sufficiently when he was feeling experimental - and then he says "Don't think I'm weird or anything, but ..."

That was when i knew to lift the paper to cover my face.
That caught my gf's attention, since it was the sports section, for which i find very little to keep my interest, which she thought was a bit peculiar. Unfortunately for her, seeing me do that wasn't a complete enough distraction, and he decided to explain the benefits of liquefying turkey and rhubarb in a blender with a few other choice, viscous materials, and then giving yourself the application (presumably with a turkey baster).
A good, vigorous, leg-shaking cleansing can do such incredible wonders for your constitution ... at least, he was saying something like that. I was trying desperately to read about sports statistics or SOMETHING that would keep me from screaming out in laughter.

Then, a bit of smoky silence.

And a few painful moments later, the main course of the eve was presented, and we all felt a little bit more experienced.


Oh my God, noone can top that. that is just awesome...:p :p :p

Oh my God, noone can top that. that is just awesome...:p :p :p

Oh...I'll be going to my cousins house tonight. I suspect there'll be a good batch of stories for all you.

Oh my God, noone can top that. that is just awesome...:p :p :p

Thanks. I didn't lie at all, EVEN for comedic effect. I probably should've added that the baster itself wasn't seen again at any familial get-together for the holidays. :)

Oh...I'll be going to my cousins house tonight. I suspect there'll be a good batch of stories for all you.

Ooh fun!!! If there aren't, make them up! The holiday season is pretty, sanitary around my house, so...I need something to alleviate the boredom.

So I've got a new one now. My Aunt Linda, sisters Samantha and Rachael, brother Andy, mom Jean, Dad Ken, and I are all sitting down to eat Christmas dinner--at 2:30 P.M. for some reason--and the conversation shifts to the icicles right outside the window behind Dad, which are, due to the recent blizzard here in Colorado, abso-fucking-lutely huge. (One is taller than I am(5' 9") and would kill me easily.) Now, I'm the kind of guy who wants to hold an icile that large because it's rare, and I ask about where our ladder is. When questioned why, I mention that I want to hold the icicle, adding unnecessarily "I want to hold it because it's so huge."

This, of course, cracks everyone up. I add even more to it with "Wha-what can I say? I like holding huge things in my hands."

(And I do. In fact, when sitting at the computer, I usually have one thing or another in my hand most of the time.)

I know I should probably read the thread first, but meh. I'll go back to it.

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, and the thread title is holiday anecdote, I suppose Chinese New Year would count.

My first Chinese New Year ever, I got drunk. (according to my mother, my cousin decided to feed me half a bottle of wine and see how I respond. I somehow managed to chug down the entire thing and still not pass out. My mother found out a few minutes later, and my cousin was yelled at for giving booze to a 1 year old.)

Thanks. I didn't lie at all, EVEN for comedic effect. I probably should've added that the baster itself wasn't seen again at any familial get-together for the holidays. :)

I should hope not. NSer's lying? Surely that's never been heard of before? :eek:

I should hope the baster was given the burial honours it deserved.

I know I should probably read the thread first, but meh. I'll go back to is.

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, and the thread title is holiday anecdote, I suppose Chinese New Year would count.

My first Chinese New Year ever, I got drunk. (according to my mother, my cousin decided to feed me half a bottle of wine and see how I respond. I somehow managed to chug down the entire thing and still not pass out. My mother found out a few minutes later, and my cousin was yelled at for giving booze to a 1 year old.)
...

And you're still alive today? You must either have the liver of the gods or have had at least three transplants.

I should hope not. NSer's lying? Surely that's never been heard of before? :eek:

I should hope the baster was given the burial honours it deserved.
Burial?
:D
Good choice of words.
I've since given up on being even in the same town as that guy. :)
As per lying ... it IS an anecdote thread ... and on occasion, there's some confabulation, intended and otherwise.
Just not in that particular case.
:)

I know I should probably read the thread first, but meh. I'll go back to is.

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, and the thread title is holiday anecdote, I suppose Chinese New Year would count.

My first Chinese New Year ever, I got drunk. (according to my mother, my cousin decided to feed me half a bottle of wine and see how I respond. I somehow managed to chug down the entire thing and still not pass out. My mother found out a few minutes later, and my cousin was yelled at for giving booze to a 1 year old.)

Ayup, it counts. :)

My dad gave me a martini at 5 years old.
I've since sworn them off ... :)

...

And you're still alive today? You must either have the liver of the gods or have had at least three transplants.

Yes, amazingly I'm still alive and on my first liver. I haven't been too boozed up too many times in my childhood and teenage years, so I guess it gave my liver some time to recover.

...

And you're still alive today? You must either have the liver of the gods or have had at least three transplants.

Now she has a genetic hybrid in her honour!

I know I should probably read the thread first, but meh. I'll go back to it.

Since I don't celebrate Christmas, and the thread title is holiday anecdote, I suppose Chinese New Year would count.

My first Chinese New Year ever, I got drunk. (according to my mother, my cousin decided to feed me half a bottle of wine and see how I respond. I somehow managed to chug down the entire thing and still not pass out. My mother found out a few minutes later, and my cousin was yelled at for giving booze to a 1 year old.)

that's fairly damn awesome. Lovely cousin! Wish mine was like that...:p

Ayup, it counts. :)

My dad gave me a martini at 5 years old.
I've since sworn them off ... :)
Yeah, I refuse to drink wine, sake, and beer now, especially sake. I once mistook a cup of sake as Sprite, and took a HUGE gulp (I was tired and thirsty and didn't stop to think about the wrong smell reaching my nose.). After that, I refuse to touch sake again for the survival of my throat. Amazingly, that was also during Chinese New Year, but another year, when I was much older.
Now she has a genetic hybrid in her honour!
YAY! What happened to the hybrid anyway? And I hope it didn't get my liver. :p

Yeah, I refuse to drink wine, sake, and beer now, especially sake. I once mistook a cup of sake as Sprite, and took a HUGE gulp (I was tired and thirsty and didn't stop to think about the wrong smell reaching my nose.). After that, I refuse to touch sake again for the survival of my throat. Amazingly, that was also during Chinese New Year, but another year, when I was much older.

YAY! What happened to the hybrid anyway? And I hope it didn't get my liver. :p
I still like sake, myself, and i only use the wine to chase the Firewater. White Zinfandel usually works.
As for beer ... very VERY few worth my while.

The hybrid? Methinks Ruffy had the last clear glimpse in that scenario. I've been notoriously absent until quite recently.

"I want to hold it because it's so huge."

This, of course, cracks everyone up. I add even more to it with "Wha-what can I say? I like holding huge things in my hands."

(And I do. In fact, when sitting at the computer, I usually have one thing or another in my hand most of the time.)

:D
Of course, you rock.

that's fairly damn awesome. Lovely cousin! Wish mine was like that...:p
No, you don't. That particular cousin of mine is very sadistic. This is what he did to my favourite doll when I was small:

He decided one day that my doll needed a flu shot, so he got a needle from my grandmother and filled it with water. Needles were very accessible to us those days because my grandmother needed to go get shots every week, and afterwards, the doctors usually throw away the sharp needles and give up the actually see-through part of the needle to play with. So he took that, filled it with water, and stuck it into my doll, and got it all wet. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then decided the doll needed make-over, and took a burnt match and drew an ugly black charcoal uni-brow onto the doll. He then took my red crayon and drew two splotches of blush onto the doll's cheeks and drew the lips red too, except he's a guy, so all the drawing was done horribly. By the time he was done, my doll was completely wet and her face looked like it was bleeding with a line of black on top of her eyes. I was scared to look at her after that.

Okay, back from the cousins.

So my cousins (we'll call her Sue) new boyfriend was there. I'm there with my mohawk in all its 6" glory, and my cousin (we'll call him Chris) in his new Navy uniform (he just finished basic). Chris is no small guy. He is about 6'6", and weighs 230 lbs, solid muscle.
Another key piece of information: my uncle just got a tomtom for christmas.

First, we turn the tomtom onto swedish. I'm playing with it, and me and Chris type in an address.

We bring it with us to dinner, and give it to the boyfriend. He's playing around with it, and has it go to the most recent address. The most recent address happens to be a strip joint. He happens to be about 17. When the Tomtom says the address, Chris looks at him and says "Wait...where?" the boyfriend reads the address back. Chris yells "That's a strip joint!! Why do you know about that?! Did you take my sister there?"

At this point, Chris is in the boyfriends face. The boyfriend is a shy guy, and hugely embarassed. I say "Hey, isn't there a golf course next door?"

My uncle breaks in "Oh yeah...I used to bring Kelly there so she could play 18 holes while I would play one"

This gets my dad in on the act, as the entire family starts to get what is going on. He says "Ugh. Don't go there. You'll get all sorts of puss when they do their pole dance, if you know what I mean. Carple tunnel is much easier to treat"

I chime in with "Well, judging by the smile on Sue's face, he's well on his way to carpel tunnel"

Chris comes back with "What are you saying, Sark? My sister is a whore? Or that she's a tease?"

My sister (Janet) comes in with "Well, why can't she be both?"

Both Sue and the boy are fire red, and the boy is almost in tears. My aunt walks in, sees what we are doing, and says "Oh Chris and Sark. What are you doing to this poor, poor boy. Look, he's almost in tears! It isn't his fault that he can't get any ass"

My mom says "Well, Janet and Chris are both 21. I'm sure they could run and get him some liquor and he could get to work"

My cousins grandpa is just sitting there quietly, watching this all play out. He is a very serious man, and very protective. Not a man to get in on our joke. He stands up very slowly. At this point, we think it may have gone too far, and all get silent. He walks behind the boyfriend, puts his hand on the guys shoulder, and says "Wrap it up. Trust me, gonorrhea sucks a dozen times more than what you just went through"

No, you don't. That particular cousin of mine is very sadistic. This is what he did to my favourite doll when I was small:

He decided one day that my doll needed a flu shot, so he got a needle from my grandmother and filled it with water. Needles were very accessible to us those days because my grandmother needed to go get shots every week, and afterwards, the doctors usually throw away the sharp needles and give up the actually see-through part of the needle to play with. So he took that, filled it with water, and stuck it into my doll, and got it all wet. As if that wasn't bad enough, it then decided the doll needed make-over, and took a burnt match and drew an ugly black charcoal uni-brow onto the doll. He then took my red crayon and drew two splotches of blush onto the doll's cheeks and drew the lips red too, except he's a guy, so all the drawing was done horribly. By the time he was done, my doll was completely wet and her face looked like it was bleeding with a line of black on top of her eyes. I was scared to look at her after that.
"Barbie ruined my childhood! I spent thirty years looking for a woman with nipple-less breasts and no crotch!"

What that Colbert quote had to do with your post, I'm not sure, but like the post, it's funny as hell.

Okay, back from the cousins.

So my cousins (we'll call her Sue) new boyfriend was there. I'm there with my mohawk in all its 6" glory, and my cousin (we'll call him Chris) in his new Navy uniform (he just finished basic). Chris is no small guy. He is about 6'6", and weighs 230 lbs, solid muscle.
Another key piece of information: my uncle just got a tomtom for christmas.

First, we turn the tomtom onto swedish. I'm playing with it, and me and Chris type in an address.

We bring it with us to dinner, and give it to the boyfriend. He's playing around with it, and has it go to the most recent address. The most recent address happens to be a strip joint. He happens to be about 17. When the Tomtom says the address, Chris looks at him and says "Wait...where?" the boyfriend reads the address back. Chris yells "That's a strip joint!! Why do you know about that?! Did you take my sister there?"

At this point, Chris is in the boyfriends face. The boyfriend is a shy guy, and hugely embarassed. I say "Hey, isn't there a golf course next door?"

My uncle breaks in "Oh yeah...I used to bring Kelly there so she could play 18 holes while I would play one"

This gets my dad in on the act, as the entire family starts to get what is going on. He says "Ugh. Don't go there. You'll get all sorts of puss when they do their pole dance, if you know what I mean. Carple tunnel is much easier to treat"

I chime in with "Well, judging by the smile on Sue's face, he's well on his way to carpel tunnel"

Chris comes back with "What are you saying, Sark? My sister is a whore? Or that she's a tease?"

My sister (Janet) comes in with "Well, why can't she be both?"

Both Sue and the boy are fire red, and the boy is almost in tears. My aunt walks in, sees what we are doing, and says "Oh Chris and Sark. What are you doing to this poor, poor boy. Look, he's almost in tears! It isn't his fault that he can't get any ass"

My mom says "Well, Janet and Chris are both 21. I'm sure they could run and get him some liquor and he could get to work"

My cousins grandpa is just sitting there quietly, watching this all play out. He is a very serious man, and very protective. Not a man to get in on our joke. He stands up very slowly. At this point, we think it may have gone too far, and all get silent. He walks behind the boyfriend, puts his hand on the guys shoulder, and says "Wrap it up. Trust me, gonorrhea sucks a dozen times more than what you just went through"

LMFAO!!! I LOVE your family!!! Will you adopt me?:fluffle:

"So, Stephen, do you have porn on your computer?"
<snip>
Everyone started to laugh hysterically.

You win the thread.

LMFAO!!! I LOVE your family!!! Will you adopt me?:fluffle:

haha...that sadly is the norm for my family.

A few years back, Chris was 6'4" tall and weighed 270, again, solid muscle (played football, and was considering pro weight lifting)

We're all downstairs playing video games, and my aunt, uncle, and Chris are upstairs. We suddenly hear "CHRIS! Put your father down! You're going to break him!"

Okay, back from the cousins.

So my cousins (we'll call her Sue) new boyfriend was there. I'm there with my mohawk in all its 6" glory, and my cousin (we'll call him Chris) in his new Navy uniform (he just finished basic). Chris is no small guy. He is about 6'6", and weighs 230 lbs, solid muscle.
Another key piece of information: my uncle just got a tomtom for christmas.

First, we turn the tomtom onto swedish. I'm playing with it, and me and Chris type in an address.

We bring it with us to dinner, and give it to the boyfriend. He's playing around with it, and has it go to the most recent address. The most recent address happens to be a strip joint. He happens to be about 17. When the Tomtom says the address, Chris looks at him and says "Wait...where?" the boyfriend reads the address back. Chris yells "That's a strip joint!! Why do you know about that?! Did you take my sister there?"

At this point, Chris is in the boyfriends face. The boyfriend is a shy guy, and hugely embarassed. I say "Hey, isn't there a golf course next door?"

My uncle breaks in "Oh yeah...I used to bring Kelly there so she could play 18 holes while I would play one"

This gets my dad in on the act, as the entire family starts to get what is going on. He says "Ugh. Don't go there. You'll get all sorts of puss when they do their pole dance, if you know what I mean. Carple tunnel is much easier to treat"

I chime in with "Well, judging by the smile on Sue's face, he's well on his way to carpel tunnel"

Chris comes back with "What are you saying, Sark? My sister is a whore? Or that she's a tease?"

My sister (Janet) comes in with "Well, why can't she be both?"

Both Sue and the boy are fire red, and the boy is almost in tears. My aunt walks in, sees what we are doing, and says "Oh Chris and Sark. What are you doing to this poor, poor boy. Look, he's almost in tears! It isn't his fault that he can't get any ass"

My mom says "Well, Janet and Chris are both 21. I'm sure they could run and get him some liquor and he could get to work"

My cousins grandpa is just sitting there quietly, watching this all play out. He is a very serious man, and very protective. Not a man to get in on our joke. He stands up very slowly. At this point, we think it may have gone too far, and all get silent. He walks behind the boyfriend, puts his hand on the guys shoulder, and says "Wrap it up. Trust me, gonorrhea sucks a dozen times more than what you just went through"
Man, you've got a very entertaining family.
I spent the day with my wife avoiding the rest of the world (mostly) ... watch a flick and the Mythbusters marathon, and eating 7-layer dip.
As far as i can tell (obviously my view is skewed), we didn't do anything particularly humiliating or worth a good anecdote this eve ... other than, not having anything to do with family for the first holiday season in both of ours' entire lives.

Man, you've got a very entertaining family.
I spent the day with my wife avoiding the rest of the world (mostly) ... watch a flick and the Mythbusters marathon, and eating 7-layer dip.
As far as i can tell (obviously my view is skewed), we didn't do anything particularly humiliating or worth a good anecdote this eve ... other than, not having anything to do with family for the first holiday season in both of ours' entire lives.

the sad/wonderful thing is I don't have to elaborate (at least, no more than I do subconsciously) with my family. This is how it actually usually goes. I've had friends witness it and say "You don't talk to us like that...how can you do that to family?"

my point is that they are family, and so it is okay.

the sad/wonderful thing is I don't have to elaborate (at least, no more than I do subconsciously) with my family. This is how it actually usually goes. I've had friends witness it and say "You don't talk to us like that...how can you do that to family?"

my point is that they are family, and so it is okay.

Funny, that's almost exactly what we've gone through in every other holiday season.

Not this time!

wasn't on christmas day, but still funny

just before christmas i got a new flat and we had a flatwarming/pre-xmas party
a coupla mates turned up early and helped with decorating
we've just finished the lounge when the first guests arrive, and my mate Blair (who has been on balloon detail) remarks to the room "someone get me a beer - it always takes me at least three drinks to get the taste of rubber out of my mouth"
then stares in bafflement for about half-a-minute as everyone else in the room melts with laughter
"what? WHAT? all i said is it takes me forever to get the taste... oh shiiiit!"

You win the thread.:D

As for today ... i was at the club today, where i was having a "cool down" in the hot tub, where this other dude was on the opposite side of the tub, thinking about whatever meandered under his bald, sweat-glistened cranium. He was visibly uncomfortable with me disturbing his solace, and i figured he wanted some alone nude time. Well, he wasn't gonna get it. For all i knew, he was REALLY enjoying his intimate alone time IN THE HEALTH CLUB's hot tub.
For a few seconds, i looked to the ceiling, where a somewhat use-tanned orange bulb lightly illuminated the white and green tile in a way that seemed strangely and fittingly remniscient of certain horror-themed video games i'd seen through the past decade or so.
It also occurred to me that maybe, for just a few seconds, the guy was snickering to himself at a homicidal thought or two involving me for ruining his private time ... and also, it occurred to me, that it's probably a quite common reaction in that kind of situation.
About a second or two later, i thought that perhaps ... just perhaps ... the guy really didn't have anyone to spend time with that mattered to him during this season .... and then, i immediately followed in thought with the idea that perhaps he was sick of everyone in his family and being naked in the hot tub was his only preference of refuge.
Either way, i never really struck up the conversation before he grunted and sauntered out of the tub past me, a slightly grieved and pained expression on his face.


The Sequel:

TODAY, i get out of the pool and think the odds aren't that high that he'll be there.
I was wrong.
He was the only one in it. Naked again.
So i briskly turned to the sauna instead, and baked out a few minutes in there, thinking things i don't normally think (although that might be the point).
I'd thought i'd given him enough personal time ... indeed, two other naked guys opted not to be alone with him in there (?) ... but i came back from a shower and he was still in there, doing what appeared to be stretches.

So i sat at the other end of the hot tub, and glanced up to see if he was annoyed with my presence ... and instead of being focused on me, he appeared to be focused on using a jet stream to massage the back of his thigh ....

:eek:

:eek:

Yup, on further inspection, it wasn't the back of his thigh he was shooting hot water against.

There.
In the hot tub/bidet.

*retch*

He got out and wandered off naked around the locker room for a while.
I just sat there for a couple of seconds, since i had already been immersed in the water when i learned about his "cleansing procedure".
Then i took a LONG hot shower, and still feel unclean.

And i'm not lying about this one either, one iota.

You know, there's still the New Years' festivities to ensue.
:D

Ahhh the Christmas cheer, New Year, and beer!

So I have been doing nothing but drinking my christmas vactation away.

Like last night. I was very bored and nobody was home, so I had myself a beer, that lead to an entire bottle of apple pie boilo, a few more beers, whiskey with a very little drop of 7up, then a beer, then more whiskey, but with pepsi lime, which was good-- I think.

About 6 drinks and a bottle of boilo into my night of brian cell murdering binge, I decided that a nice smoke was the right thing to do. The time was 1:30am and I had just found the keys to my fathers car--which he always keeps locked--and where he keeps his smokes-- I was crawling over boxes in the garage to get to the door to the outside.

I get to his car, press the unlock button, the head lights turned on. "Oh shit!" I thought to myself as I tried to be very quiet. After that, I opened the car door, took five cigs, pressed the lock switch thing on the side of the door, and shut it. Went inside to put the cigs in a safe space, then noticed that the keys were missing.

I patted my pockets, nothing. Ran out to the car only to see the keys laying on the passengers side seat.

Me, being drunk, started laughing my ass off.

A few drinks later, and the roast of Pam Anderson, Hugh Hef, and 4 smokes smoked-- I felt it would be smart to smoke a joint.

Yeeeaahh, not a good idea.

....case in point.

:)

whiskey with a very little drop of 7up

...

Why?

Oh, and lol @ the rest.

...

Why?

Oh, and lol @ the rest.

Well It might have been a shot of 7up and 4 shots whiskey, but yeah.. Tasted good. *nods*

And I'm very confused about the whole keys locked in car thing. My dad hasn't said anything to me about it.. Guess he has a spare set..


I can't wait till new years. You might get another story out of me.

You know, there's still the New Years' festivities to ensue.
:D

I may actually have some stories for you all. I'm going to the Gold Coast for New Year's this year :eek: