NationStates Jolt Archive

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia.

President Louis Gilsterson: My fellow Gilmeecians, domestic and imported press monkeys, I come before you today to announce that Gilmeecian Special Forces scientists have not isolated the so-called "Zombie Virus," officially called Zombiliis viriis, which does not exist, from zombies which Special Forces does not have in captivity.

Now, I know that rumors abound that there are zombies crawling all over Gilmeecia. People have been saying that for years. But nothing could be farther from the truth. We have no zombies in Gilmeecia, we have not captured any of them, and we do not have a secret underground research facility devoted to discovering their demonic undead secret-- which could not be used as a WMD, in any event.

So let me just be clear about this: Gilmeecia does not possess thirty grams of Zombie Virus. Seeing as Zombie Virus does not exist, a single gram of it would not be sufficient to initiate a zombie-conversion plague in a population of 10,000 or more ordinary, healthy humans. Converted zombies could not be utilized as undead killing machines, perfect for any nation's army. Nor could Zombie Virus be introduced into the water supply of an enemy nation, rendering that nation completely zombified in a matter of weeks.

Nope.

And since we don't have it, we're not selling it.

Don't even ask.

Any of you foreigners who might want to buy it as the ultimate WMD, don't bother.

If we did have Zombie Virus, we'd entertain bids starting at $15M lemsonians per gram. But we don't so don't bother bidding. I mean, you can bid if you want to, but it probably won't get you anywhere. How could it? Since we don't have Zombie Virus.

That's all. No questions from the press.

*doesn't know what to make of this*

You'd have to read the World Cup threads. It's very funny, at any rate.

*cough cough* Then we would not be interested in acquiring say... 6 grams of this imaginary virus. Nope, not us, not at all. We would(n't) be willing to pay you in the currency of your choice. And meet you in neutral territory if you wished.... :P

"Mr. President, it seems as if we'll never get the virus now."
"DAMN!"

*cough cough* Then we would not be interested in acquiring say... 6 grams of this imaginary virus. Nope, not us, not at all. We would(n't) be willing to pay you in the currency of your choice. And meet you in neutral territory if you wished.... :P

President Lou says he wishes he could oblige you. He'd love to sell you 6 grams of Zombie Virus for 90M lemsonians-- or the equivalent in US dollars, if you'd prefer-- if only we had the stuff to sell.

If, say, your representative were to meet our representative in international waters 40 km from our port, off the coast of FIFA... and if, say, the funds were wired half in advance and half on delivery, then he'd relly love to do business with you.

If only we could.

But just for the sake of argument, we're willing to send the boat and see, just in case maybe there is some Zombilii virii that we don't actually know about, you know what I mean?

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

"Mr. President, it seems as if we'll never get the virus now."
"DAMN!"

President Lou says that for our long-time former neighbors in Oglethorpia, we'd be willing to root around in the cellar-- or some other underground location, but not the secret research facility that doesn't exist-- and see if maybe we could dig up a gram or two, and even give 'em a discount price of, say, 10M lemsonians per gram, if they're interested.

Not that we'll find any, rootin' around, but you never know.

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

That'd be fantastic.

Rich Weiss
Finance Bureau

That'd be fantastic.

Rich Weiss
Finance Bureau

Okay, then, here's what we'll do. If you Oglethorpians can confirm that you've wired 20M lemsonians, we'll deliver two grams of some stuff we just found that is almost definitely not Zombie Virus, since that doesn't exist. We guarantee satisfaction or double your money back.

Er... by satisfaction, we mean that the stuff will definitely work to make zombies, not that you'll be glad you unwittingly unleashed the undead, once you've actually used the stuff.

Sound good? Just specify which courier you want us to ship it by. Maybe FedEx? They don't break too many glass phials, unleashing catastrophic viruses into the air, right?

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

President Lou says he wishes he could oblige you. He'd love to sell you 6 grams of Zombie Virus for 90M lemsonians-- or the equivalent in US dollars, if you'd prefer-- if only we had the stuff to sell.

If, say, your representative were to meet our representative in international waters 40 km from our port, off the coast of FIFA... and if, say, the funds were wired half in advance and half on delivery, then he'd relly love to do business with you.

If only we could.

But just for the sake of argument, we're willing to send the boat and see, just in case maybe there is some Zombilii virii that we don't actually know about, you know what I mean?

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

Of course I know what you mean... our representative won't be waiting for your boat 40 miles from your port off of the coast of FIFA, at 3:48 in the afternoon in two days on a private boat.

*secretly wires 45M*

And of course, we wouldn't be able to pay a little extra bonus for prompt delivery....

To: President Louis Gilsterson,
of the Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

The Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery for the Borderlands of Snub Nose 38 does not submit a bid with regard to this imaginary virus, since we do not wish to acquire the obviously nonexistant substance. If we were to profer a bid (which we are not doing) the imaginary price suggested for no apparent reason by Gilmeecia would (if we were bidding - which we are not) seem to be a fair price. For, say for the sake of arguement, 5 grams.

Since we are not interested in acquiring an imaginary substance, we are not sending this message.

The Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery
It didn't happen, it will never happen, it isn't happening now.

Strange goings-on down by the docks

Gillian Gilquest, exclusive to the Gilmeecian Times and Undead Standard

Reliable sources have reported unusual activities at Port Gilmeecia in recent days, as Special Forces agents seized control of the dock and commandeered the least decrepit fishing boat they could find, for their own nefarious purposes. Speculation concerning these activities and the President's recent, cryptic press conference, runs rampant at Joe's Bar (on Tenth Street.)

Some denizens of the Dock Zone claim to have seen any number of foreigners milling about, and those fishermen whose boats haven't been seized say they've observed boats flying foreign flags straying dangerously close to Gilmeecian waters in recent days.

It remains unclear what, if any, nefarious business Special Forces agents are undertaking.

The nation of Taka would be interested in purchasing "screwdrivers" from you, and will participate in the auction for them.

President Gilsterson has a new yacht

By lifestyle reporter Gillian Gilquest

In news unrelated to the nefrious undertakings at the docks, President Louis Gilsterson has been seen sporting a brand-new eighty-foot yacht which may have cost him upwards of 30M lemsonians. Where he suddenly got 30M lemsonians is anyone's guess. Probably legitimately, if this reporter's guess is true.

The nation of Taka would be interested in purchasing "screwdrivers" from you, and will participate in the auction for them.

We have available Vodka screwdrivers at 5 lemsonians a pop and Special screwdrivers at 15M lemsonians a pop. If you'd like to specify your order and confirm payment (half in advance and half on delivery) we'd be happy to send a Special Forces haz-mat team directly to Taka by unmarked van to deliver your beverages of choice.

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister

President Lou says he'd like to thank the governments of Larkinia, Oglethorpia, and Snub Nose 38 for their business. Unfortunately, we cannot confirm that orders have been delivered, since we have no product to sell. But if payment has been received, then product has been delivered, nonexistence of product notwithstanding.

New Itchlesby
Foreign Minister

**a highly secure call is placed from the ministry of super secret sleuthery to the ministry of finance and board games. an official request is made for $37.5 million lemsonians to be wired to an offshore account in the name of ned itchlesby, the foreign minister of the oppressed peoples of gilmeecia.**

- What's this money for?
- Um...lookit...we're the Ministry of Super Secret Sleuthery. Not the Ministry of Sleuthery Taking Place Out In The Open For All To See.
- Er...of course. But, you know, that's a large sum of money.
- It's lemsonians, pal. Do you know what the exchange rate for lemsonians is?
- Of course we do. We, after all, are the Ministry of Finance and Board Games.
*pause*
- It's low, isn't it?
- Extremely. But that isn't the point. The point is, the $37.5 million lemsonians must be wired immediatley.
- Does The Guy Currently In Charge Of Stuff For The Borderlands Of Snub Nose 38 know about this?
- Does a bear...um, is the Pope Catholic?
- Allright, then. We'll wire it immediately. But I'm keeping the tape of this conversation.
- It didn't happen. It will never happen. It isn't happening now.

Does the Pope poop in the woods?

Does the Pope poop in the woods?

President Lou has confirmed that the Pope definitely poops in the woods, but only when he's already in the woods on official Popal business. The Pope does not go to the woods special for pooping. Oridnarily, the Pope poops on the Pope potty.

New Itchlesby
Foreign Minister

Good to know.

Gordon Newell
Foreign Relations Bureau

The Commonwealth of Oglethorpia

Memorandum

To: The governments of Larkinia, Oglethorpia, and Snub Nose 38
From: Lig Poopsleman, Head of Science, Gilmeecian Special Forces
Re: The care and feeding of zombies

Ladies and gentlemen,

It has come to our attention that you may or may not have zombies in your possession. We would like to give you a few simple words of advice regarding the proper handling of zombies, in case you do have them. These words are not based on many years of experience, trial and error, and learning things the hard way. They're just some ideas I dashed off this morning over tea.

1. Before you infect a division of infantry troops with Zombilii virii, make sure that they are secured (unless you're planning to unleash them on your enemy immediately, and I do mean immediately). By secured, I mean chained down and in a sealed chamber that dos not have any ventilation, windows, or other possible means of egress (just in case anything goes wrong, which it won't. It never does, in my experience. Making zombies is generally foolproof, but I'm just saying, just in case, you don't want there to be any ways for the zombies to get out, if, say, the plucky Special Forces agent you sent in to quell their undead uprising gets eaten or turned, but not before punching a hole in the one-way glass you were observing the zombies through, giving them a perfect opportunity to escape into the countryside. I'm just saying.)

2. If you're not planning to unleash the zombies immediately, make sure you have plenty of brains for them. And I do mean fresh, living brains. Still in the crania of the previous owners, who must still be living. Zombies won't eat dead brains. And if you haven't provided enough living brains for them, they'll go apeshit and turn on you.

3. In case anything goes wrong and the zombies start getting loose, flamethrowers have proven to be very effective against them. I mean-- flamehtrowers would be very effective against them, probably, but I'm just guessing here. No firsthand experience to draw upon, of course.

4. Please, people, please keep in mind that, whatever happens, your payment for delivery of product is not refundable.

- Sir, we've received confirmation from our agent who is not 40 miles off the coast of Gilmeecia that he did not take delivery of what is apparently not code named "Special Screwdrivers".
- What?
- I don't think I can repeat that, sir.
- So, you didn't say that we don't have an agent who is not 40 miles off the coast of a nation that isn't Gilmeecia, and that our non-existant agent did not accept delivery of 5 grams of Special Screwdrivers?
- Ur...sir...I said...I mean, I didn't say...what you said...um...I think you...I...
- Don't Call Finance and Board Games, and while you dont' have them on the phone, do not tell them to wire the other $37.5 million lemsonisans immediately.
- choke. cough. splutter...
- Never mind. I won't take care of it myself.

We have always agreed with the slogan you get what you pay for, we'll buy 10 of your special screwdrivers for 150 million to be payed in large, unmarked bills, or wired through multiple neutral nations, and a vodka screwdriver.

pleasure doing buisness with you, and should you decide to sell any more "screwdrivers" or perhaps some "hammers" or "toilet seats" I'm sure we would be more than glad to purchase them from you.

We have always agreed with the slogan you get what you pay for, we'll buy 10 of your special screwdrivers for 150 million to be payed in large, unmarked bills, or wired through multiple neutral nations, and a vodka screwdriver.

pleasure doing buisness with you, and should you decide to sell any more "screwdrivers" or perhaps some "hammers" or "toilet seats" I'm sure we would be more than glad to purchase them from you.

Delivery of 11 screwdrivers in a mixed set, for a total of 150M and 5 lemsonians, hypothetically confirmed. Please see director Poopselman's memo, which was posted above for convenience.

Ned

At the Hall of the Revolution in Matebian, people's representative for sports & territorial defence Mau Kiri Rai was worried. Intelligence reports indicated that President Gilsterson of Gilmeecia was engaged in some rather dicey shenanigans, and that shipments of zombie virus were being made to Oglethorpia.

"That's right next door, I think," Mau Kiri Rai said, consulting a partially-drawn map of the region. He called in the coach of the national football team, Bi Kikere.

"You spent ten years in Gilmeecia, can you shed any light on this alleged zombie virus?"

The coach rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. Let me get this straight. Lou Gilsterson is selling a so-called zombie virus which he says he doesn't have. And perfectly sensible governments are wiring him large sums of money for this non-existent product."

"Yeah, that's about the size of it."

"Well, look. I know Lou. He's not the world's single most honest individual. Seems to me that some countries may be paying extremely large sums for bags of sugar. And knowing Gilmeecia, it's probably not even real sugar. I think our good friends in Larkinia and Oglethorpia, and our ... acquaintances in Snub Nose 20, are maybe getting hosed."

"So you think it's not a zombie virus?" the defence minister asked.

"Only up to a point. Maybe these countries are descending to the average Gilmeecian level of stupidity, which is roughly on zombie level. Judging by the stupidity rankings in FIFA, it's probably contagious."

...interesting stuff about what Gilmeecia does not have for sale...
:shock: Hadn't thought of that. Nice twist. :wink:

hmm, yet anotuher thing to consider, well, if we are being sold snake oil, odds are good that Gilmeecia won't be a smoking crater in the ground caused by the accidental misreading of nuclear missile test coordinates. I can see it now "Wait, did I say 5 or 3?" "Um, you said three sir." "oh shit. . . better call the prince and make sure he's got an alabi"

;)

Why would you nuke them? Lou said specifically he didn't have a zombie virus.

(Gilmeecia, if i'm hijacking or derailing your thread, tell me & i'll delete the post)

But I specificly said I wouldn't be nuking him, and that he wouldn't be a smoking crater in the ground, where did I say he would be nuked?

Let's review the bidding -

1. Gilmeecia didn't offer to sell a Zombie Virus that they clearly stated they did not have.

2. Several of us (Larkinia, Oglethorpia, Taka, and Snub Nose 38 ) did not send various amounts of money to Gilmeecia in exchange for not receiving various amounts of the non-existant Zombie Virus.

3. Gilmeecia did send a message to the governments who did not buy the non-existant virus, clearly warning them of purely hypothetical potential hazards of using the non-existant virus that we did not purchase.

4. A conversation that took place in Tanah Burung, that appears to have been overheard by a number of carefully placed agents (that, of course, we also do not have) mentioned the possibility that Gilmeecia did not have the Zombie virus that it said it did not have. An unsubstantiated claim - that, given it's very nature, would be difficult to substantiate. Or not to substantiate. That is the question.

5. Snub Nose 38 mentioned that the possibility that Gilmeecia actually did not have the non-existant Zombie virus that it claimed not to have, and did not offer to sell at a cost of $15m lemsonians per non-existant gram, 40 miles off the coast in unmarked (brown paper?) boats to anyone who did not show up, had never occured to us.

6. President Lou Gilsterson reportedly has a new $30m yacht.

In the event that an un-named government actually did send funds to Gilmeecia in anticipation of receiving an unspecified amount of a non-existant substance, and finds itself in the position of being out the cash without having received the non-existant substance that Gilmeecia clearly stated a number of times did not exist, and even if it did exist, Gilmeecia did not have any of it - that un-named government is in a lose-lose situation, with the following two options:

1 - Let it be a lesson in international diplomacy - verify, substantiate, prove, document, insure, guarantee, and confirm before cash changes hands, and accept the monetary loss as the cost of the lesson.

2 - Let loose the dogs of war - at an expense well in excess of the piddling amount of cash (particularly considering the ridiculously low exchange rate for lemsonians) lost on the deal - and incur the various consequences of beginning military (let alone nuclear) action - such as the cost of a war in both fiscal and human terms, the wrath of the international community, the possible expansion of the military action into regional or world conflict, etc, etc, etc.

The Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery for Snub Nose 38 is not saying whether or not it did not receive the non-existant substance it did not arrange not to purchase. However, option one looks much better to us.

And option one would be the way we would go also, after all we weren't mainly buying the virus to try and work on an antidote or defense against it, if we did engage in such a transaction, which is ludicrious....

And of course, if it is false, then we wouldn't be sending in a group of agents to take care of the situation. They wouldn't be waiting with some C4 for the yacht, and they would never have data on Lou Gilsterson, including his favorite foods, restaurants and various addresses... and they'd never want to collect the NY90M bounty that wouldn't be placed on his head... :)

<OOC>TB-- not at all. ;)</OOC>

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia.

President Louis Gilsterson: Okay people, settle down. Now it seems a bunch of foreigners are up in arms about some illegal Zombie Virus purchases they claim they've made from us. And I'm just here to set the record straight on a few points.

1. There have been no purchases of Zombie Virus made, because we don't have any Zombie Virus, because we don't have any zombies!

2. Anybody who thinks they've purchased Zombie Virus from us must be mistaken.

3. Bi Kikere was the coach of our national football squad, for cryin' out loud. What's she know about zombies?

4. Even when she was coaching the Kickassers, Ms. Kikere was on the public record as claimin' that there are no zombies in Gilmeecia and that the poor, pathetic corpse of my lamented cousin Moola, which was prowlin' the streets of downtown Gilmeecia noshing on peoples' brains at the time, was just some poor bum and not a zombie at all.

5. She was wrong about that, 'cause everybody knows there's no derelicts running loose in Gilmeecia, since they're all in prison.

6. Which isn't to say that Moola's zombie was actually real, 'cause it wasn't, 'cause there's no zombies.

7. If by chance anybody secrretly purchased any Zombie Juice from us, and they tried it out and it didn't work, they should checkwith Ned to make sure they used it right.

Okay? No questions.

<OOC>Feel free to RP your secret purchases of Zombiliis viriis as either being legit or fake as you see fit. I'm sure no one will do anything ridiculously drastic like, say, using nuclear weapons.</OOC>

Walking dead rob liquor store

by Gillian Gilquest, exclusive to the Gilmeecian Nightly Times

Third precinct police responded to an emergency call late last night only to find themselves facing a hideous, hideous scene of undead terror. Joe's Drive-through Liquor (on tenth street) was the scene of what observers have described as "an orgy of brain-feasting delight."

The call came in to Third Precinct headquarters at 1:15 AM: a gang of zombies had walked in from the street and, acting as if they owned the place, begun feasting on the brains of the paying customers. Gil Joeson, owner of the inebriation-enabling establishment, barely managed to dial "0" for Operator with shaking fingers. Although the phone call was not recorded, this reporter imagines that it went something like this:

Operator: Operator, how may I help you?

Joeson: O the humanity! Help, help, pleeeease somebody help me!

Operator: What sort of help do you require, sir?

Joeson: It's hideous! Hideous, I tell you!

Operator: What's hideous, sir?

Joeson: Oh, no! The brains! The braaains!

Operator: Are you a zombie, sir?

Joeson: The zombies are drinking my best vodka!

Operator: I'll send the police immediately, sir.

Of course, this conversation is pure speculation, but it's likely that these or similar words were spoken. Whether the zombies actually drank the best vodka in the store is open to debate; some horrified observers indicated that it was the Third Precinct police, and not the zombies, who drank the vodka. Other observers have indicated that it was actually the police, and not the zombies, who feasted on the sweet, sweet brains of Joeson's customers, as well. But this claim is most likely specious and without merit.

Whatever the truth-- and truth, as always, turns out in this case to be a slippery eel-- one thing is certain: there may, or may not, be zombies out there. To be on the safe side, do not leave your home without a handgun, and shoot in the base of the skull any stranmger who approaches you.

University of Larkinia, Golden Agate, Medical Research Center

Dr. William Robynes looked into the microscope again.

"What am I looking for exactly here?"

The man standing next to him shrugged. "You don't know either? It's some kind of virus we got a hold of a few weeks back, apparently it..."

"... creates the effect of Zombieism in it's victims. Yes, I've seen 'Resident Evil' before :wink: ," he interrupted. Robynes looked at the specimen. "And you want me to do what exactly? Find a cure? Learn how to make more of it?"

"Both."

Robynes looked up at the man. "You've got to be kidding me."

"You need to understand the military applications of this doctor. If there are nations out there willing to employ these... zombies, then we need to know how to counteract it. And of course, we need to know how to create our own.."

President Lou just wants me to remind you foreigners that if we'd had 30 grams of Zombie Virus, at one point, and if we'd sold 23 grams so far, that would mean we still have 7 grams available at the bargain-basement price of 15M lemsonians a pop. So anybody who wants some grade-A Prime Cut Zombie Virus, give us a call. We'll check the back of the cupboard and see if such a thing exists, and even though we both know it doesn't, maybe it does and we can sell you some.

Also, Lou wanted me to mention that he's considering a lawsuit against Bi Kikere for claiming that we don't really have Zombie Virus. He's not saying that we do, but if we sold it, then we had it to sell, 'cause we wouldn't sell it if we didn't have it, and that'd make her a big fat liar, Lou says. So there.

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

*cough cough* We'll buy another 3 grams for our personal stock, same deal as before... *cough cough*

*we find ourselves in the office of albert onestone, chief academician of the snub nose 38 academy of sciences. it's a nice office. we wouldn't mind if it were ours. out the big picture window on the south wall is a pleasant view of the sten river as it runs through remington park, located in the middle of downtown sten. doctor onestone sits behind a large oak desk, in an oak and leather desk chair - the kind on wheels that can also lean back. there is a large oak bookcase next to the door on the north wall. a very comfortable looking leather couch is along the east wall. on the west wall, side by side, are a credenza and a small bar. albert looks quite at home here*

- Well, we haven't run all the tests yet, but...
- ***** :x ****
- As fast as we can. And your attitude will not make the testing go any faster.
- *** :oops: *****
- That's okay. I understand you're under pressure and frustrated by all this.
- ********* :( **
- The fact is, every test we have completed turns up negative for everything but sodium chloride.
- **** :?: **
- Salt.
- *** :?: ***
- Sodium Chloride. NaCl. Salt.
- *** :evil: ***** :twisted: **
- I told you before, we have not run all the tests. And we have not checked our results. It could be anything - the zombie virus, sugar, fairy dust - but right now, it looks like it's salt.
- ** :arrow:**:!: *** :?
- They're working as fast as they can with any degree of accuracy. As soon as we are absolutely sure of what it is, I'll get back to you.
- ****

*doctor onestone hangs up the phone. for a few moments he remains sitting there, staring at the phone. then he picks it up again, and starts to dial. we take our leave - we've seen enough*

Cameras flash. Bi Kikere, the first traces of grey showing in her black hair, strides to the podium, amid shouts from the press of "Coach! Coach! Over here, Coach!"

Bi Kikere begins to speak:

"I thought Lou might appreciate a press conference. There will be no questions. I have a brief statement to make.

"First, President Lou Gilsterson of Gilmeecia has threatened to take legal action against me for remarks i allegedly made to a member of my country's government, regarding a so-called zombie virus. Now, Lou may not be aware of this, seeing as how he runs his country as a personal playground, but it is considered a grave breach of law in this country to monitor private conversations. And don't even get me started on certain orders that a certain president may have hypothetically given to certain people to have certain acts of murder committed against a woman who made them what they are today in football. I tell you, if Tanah Burung had any kind of army, we'd be up in arms about this.

"Second, I've said there is no such thing as zombies, and certainly no such thing as a zombie virus. It's true that some Gilmeecians are slow-witted and slow-moving, but this does not make them zombies. And i'm here to tell you that they can be taught to run. Since Lou and i both agree that he is not selling a zombie virus, he hasn't got a leg to stand on. You hear that Lou? Not a leg to stand on! You want to sue me, Lou? Bring it on!"

The coach is escorted from the podium by handlers and given a nice cup of tea to calm her down.

Dear President Gilsterson,

Hmm, oh yes, most assuredly. Our people suffer from premature perishing. We wish to purchase one gramme of your fine product, for research purposes. If only you did have a zombie virus, we might be able to re-animate our goal keeper. Such a shame that you don't. We can meet along the Gilmeecia-Evisceratomatoes border to not pick up the product, and are wiring a non-finder's fee immediately.

Nate E. Visser
Wisest of the Evisceratomatoes

*cough cough* We'll buy another 3 grams for our personal stock, same deal as before... *cough cough*

In the event that a purchase took place, an unmarked Gilmeecian Special Forces dinghy should have landed on the shores of Larkinia by now and delivered a small packet of nothing, or something. Lou says thanks for your support-- or not.

Ned Itchlesby
Forreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

Dear President Gilsterson,

Hmm, oh yes, most assuredly. Our people suffer from premature perishing. We wish to purchase one gramme of your fine product, for research purposes. If only you did have a zombie virus, we might be able to re-animate our goal keeper. Such a shame that you don't. We can meet along the Gilmeecia-Evisceratomatoes border to not pick up the product, and are wiring a non-finder's fee immediately.

Nate E. Visser
Wisest of the Evisceratomatoes

Yesss... Yesssss. Exploded evisceratomatoes. What a lovely, lovely test subject one would make. Perhaps, Mr. Visser, if Gilmeecia possessed Zombiliis viriis, an exchange could be arranged? The rent and rotten corpse of one of your unfortunate footballers, in exchange for a gram of the Good Stuff? In the unlikely event that we have some Good Stuff to barter, would you be interested, hmm?

"Dr." Lig Poopselman
Head of Science
Gilmeecian Special Forces

And don't even get me started on certain orders that a certain president may have hypothetically given to certain people to have certain acts of murder committed against a woman who made them what they are today in football.

Lou said for me to read this: "Oh yeah? Well, a pox on you!" He also said to consider the lawsuit dropped, for personal reasons of his own which have nothing to do with a nonexistent document Bike Crikey doesn't have, ordering her death.

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

*once again we find ourselves in the well appointed office of albert onestone, chief academician of the snub nose 38 academy of sciences. albert looks quite at home here, sitting in his comfortable leather chair behind his impressive oak desk. he picks up the phone and dials. he waits.*

- *** :)
- It's me, Jack.
- **** :?: ***
- I told you I'd call as soon as I knew anything.
- ********** :roll: *** :?: **
- Well, it's not salt.
- ** :!: ****** :?: **
- Not sure. We just know what it isn't. One of the things it isn't is salt.
- ******************* :roll: *** :?: **
- Okay. It's not salt, sugar, cocaine, aspirin, coffee, chocolate, dried milk, tofu, insulin, fairy dust, the filling from a twinkie, FIFA spider guano, dust mites, sand, that gook you get in your eyes in the morning, horseradish, celery salt, ground glass, furniture polish...
- *** :evil: ****
- You asked, Jack. I just called to tell you it wasn't salt.
- *** :?:
- Still don't know what it is. When we find out, I'll get back to you.

*doctor onestone hangs up the phone. he gets up, picks up his notebook and pencil, and leaves the office. we do, too*

Just to let everybody know... if we were selling Zombiliis viriis, at 15M lemsonians a gram, we'd have about fifty more grams available in a couple days, when we finished refining it from out of the zombies.

Ned Itchlesby
Foreign Minister
The Oppressed Peoples of Gilmeecia

Good to see Gilmeecia industrializing.

Larry Hudson
Agriculture/Industry Bureau

*doctor albert onestone runs into his office. he picks up the phone and dials. phone to his ear in his right hand, left hand pressed against his forhead, he rapidly paces back and forth.*

- Come on, answer the phone Jack. Come on!
- *** :)
- It's me, Jack. Listen, we've...
- **** :?: ***
- Shut up, Jack, and listen. An "Empam" has turned up missing.
- ** :?: **
- It was one of the ones we're using to try to modify the aura of sentient evisceratomatoes.
- ** :!: ****** :?: **
- No, we don't know who took it. That's what makes it "missing", isn't it?
- ** :roll: *** :?:
- Yes, Jack, we looked everywhere. Several times. It's gone.
- *** :evil: **
- Potentially? Potentially, it could "SPLAT" any and all Evisceratomatoes it gets "tuned" to.
- ***
- No, it isn't good. You've got to find it, Jack. Fast!
- *****. *** :?: ***
- Good. The more agents you have looking, the faster somebody will find it. Now look - about that "substance". Where the hell did you get that stuff, Jack!
- ******* 8)
- Fine, don't tell me. But let me tell you something. That stuff is dangerous. It's some kind of virus, and an extremely virulent one at that. We haven't pinned it down yet, but Jack? Don't let anybody touch any of that stuff!
- **** :!: ****
- You want it back? No, I don't think so, Mister Cass. I don't think so. Not until we know exactly what it is.

*doctor onestone hangs up the phone. he stares at it for a minute. then he realizes he is still holding his hand to his head. he drops it. he glares at the phone, turns, and leaves the office*

*chief academician of the snub nose 38 adacemy of science, doctor albert onestone, sits alone in his office at his desk, a grim expression on his face. he keeps glancing at a report from the lab that sits on the desk in front of him. after a few minutes, doctor onestone picks up the phone and dials.*

- "ring" (this is the sound of the telephone ringing on the other end. it's the best i could do, ya know?)
- "ring" (that's it again, okay?)
- Answer the phone, Jack.
- What is it, Al?
- Gack! Damn, Jack! That's becoming very annoying.
- What?
- This "appearing" "disappearing" thing you do. It's not only annoying, but you scare people, Jack Cass.
- Albert, I'm the Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery. I have a certain reputation to maintain - an example to set for my agents. Really, what would people think if everybody knew where I was all the time?
- (under his breath) we'd think you weren't a nasty little mean tempered rude sob, that's what we'd think
- Pardon?
- Nothing. Look, Jack, I was trying to call you about this substance you asked us to identify.
- Funny. That's why I stopped by. What news, Al?
- We know what it is. Well, we think we know what it is. It's a myth. It's something that science has postulated, but never discovered. It's legend. It's Zombiliis viriis.
- Which, if we strip away the "scientific coating", is?
- It's flippin' Zombie Virus, Jack, and it's a VERY virulent Zombie Virus.
- How strong is it?
- The bit you gave us to work with could turn the entire populace of Snub Nose 38, nearly a billion people, into zombies in a week.
- Ah...
- What, "Ah..." Waddaya mean by "Ah..."?
- Well, Albert...Doctor Onestone...Mr. Chief Academician...That is exactly what we didn't recently purchase.
- How did we get it if we didn't purchase it?
- We didn't get it.
- We've got it.
- No, we don't
- Jack, I have about 2.5 grams of it in the lab right now.
- No, you don't. There wasn't anything in your lab, Albert, and it's not there anymore. One of my agents did not slip into your lab and did not take the substance that wasn't there, leaving no trace that it ever wasn't there
- You're not making sense...
- I don't have to. Just listen to me very, very carefully, and believe what I say with the same conviction you have that your name is Albert Onestone.
- This doesn't sound good, Jack, and...
- There wasn't anything in your lab. I didn't ask you to identify an unknown substance, because there wasn't any unknown substance. Especially Zombiliis Viriis, which doesn't exist anywhere in the world. Snub Nose 38 does not have any of this non-existant stuff that no one else has, either. And, if we did have it, which we don't, it wouldn't be Zombiliis Viriis, because there is no such thing.
- ...
- Exactly. It didn't happen. It will never happen. It isn't happening now.
- ...Jack...this is very frightening...Jack?...Jack?...Damn, he's done it again.

*we realize that doctor onestone is alone in his office. jack cass is gone. the lab report is no longer on alberts' desk. and that disappearing act really is becoming annoying*
------------------------------------------------
OOC: This is a "Thank You" to Halfassedstates, who first had the Minister of Super Secret Sleuthery "appear" somewhere - back in WC6 (maybe 7?), I think.