NationStates Jolt Archive

an issue i wrote

name : suspicion of suspicion arises

description : the public has begun questioning criminal records after a middle aged man was refused employment by a travel agent for one account of jaywalking when he was fifteen.

validity : not valid for nations with no crime

[option]"how can these evil corporations do this to a man" sais @@RANDOMNAME@@ a civil rights activist. "He did this when he was fifteen, he surely would have changed by now, nearly forty years later. Sure, this will mean that potentially harmful people get jobs they shouldn’t, but at least it would be fairer for the innocent"
[effect] The incidence of theft has risen greatly
[stats] happiness goes down, economy goes down, civil rights goes up, social equality goes up, crime goes up

[option]"WHAT!! are you saying we should let potential thieves into our business" sais @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO for a large @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ company. “I will not let potential criminals into our corporations, this man commited this crime a while ago, but that still means that we could have someone stealing things do pay off a drug debt, we’ll lose millions of @@CURRENCY@@’s and I will not have it!!"
[effect] companies are refusing employing people because of jaywalking offences
[stats] happiness goes down, civil rights go down, economic freedom goes down, social equality goes down

[option] “I know!!” sais @@RANDOMNAME@@, a person you just met on the street, “why don’t we just send all the criminals off to a small, deserted island far away from @@REGION@@, so we don’t have to worry about the after effects of re-employment, or repeat offences. Of course, to prevent an uprising, we will have to send military every now and then to… ‘contain’ the prisoners. You catch my drift?”
[effect] criminals notoriously disappear for no apparent reason
[stats] happiness goes up, civil rights goes down, social equality goes up, defence goes up.

Any comments, suggestions, flames etc. are welcome.

The effects are a little bland. It might, perhaps, be better to provide examples, rather than simply stating the mechanical changes. Thus, for example, [effect] 2 could become 'a parking ticket can end all chances of employment' - or something better. Similarly, [effect] 1 is actually about work-related crime, not general theft - so 'replacing stolen staplers costs companies across the nation millions of @@CURRENCY@@s every year'. And in [effect] 3, the reason, presumably, is their criminality - so maybe 'criminals routinely vanish in the middle of the night'. However, there are many issues that have Option 3-esque features: it's a bit repetitive.

Interesting idea though. Good luck with getting it coded.

---

Strictly textual changes:

Description: 'middle aged' should possibly be 'middle-aged'.

Option 1:
- 'sais' should be 'says';
- there should be a capital 'h' on 'how can...';
- there should be a question mark after 'man';
- there should should be a comma after the macro;
- there should be a colon instead of a comma after 'fifteen';
- change of word order to 'would surely' from 'surely would'.

Option 2:
- there should be a question mark after 'business';
- 'sais' should be 'says';
- 'into our corporation, this man commited[sic]' should be broken into two sentences;
- 'commited' should have a second 't' to become 'committed';
- EITHER (and I'm not sure here) a colon OR a full stop/capitalisation at 'a drug debt, we'll lose millions';
- no apostrophe between the currency macro and the 's'.

Option 3:
- 'sais' should be 'says';
- 'after effects' should be hyphenated to 'after-effects';
- there should be a question mark after 'offences';
- 'military' needs to be expanded to 'the military', 'military forces', or some other such phrase;
- the ellipsis should EITHER be punctuated with spaces both sides of the dots (like ... this) OR with no spaces either side (like...this) - I don't know the SOP with regard to this.

Originally posted by Gruenberg.
there should be a colon instead of a comma after 'fifteen'

You need a semicolon ( ; ), not a colon ( : ). You need semicolons to separate two independent clauses without a conjunction.

They're not independent. The latter explains that he is unlikely to commit a crime now because, as outlined in the former, his past indiscretions were long ago. A colon can thus be used. I doubt anyone will be picky about colon, semi-colon or even division into two sentences however - but a comma is definitely wrong.

thanks for the advice

i have revised it:


name : suspicion of suspicion arises

description : the public has begun questioning criminal records after a middle aged man was refused employment by a travel agent for one account of jaywalking when he was fifteen.

validity : not valid for nations with no crime

[option]"How can these evil corporations do this to a man?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, an extremist civil rights activist. "He did this when he was fifteen; he surely would have changed by now, nearly forty years later. Sure, this will mean that potentially harmful people get jobs they shouldn’t, but at least it would be fairer for the innocent"
[effect] convicted paedophiles are being employed by child care centres all over the nation
[stats] happiness goes down, economy goes down, civil rights goes up, social equality goes up, crime goes up

[option]"WHAT!! Are you saying we should let potential thieves into our business?" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an enraged CEO for a large @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ company. “I will not let potential criminals into our corporations. This man committed this crime a while ago, but that still means that we could have some crackpot stealing things do pay off a drug debt. We’ll lose millions of @@CURRENCY@@s and I will not have it!!"
[effect] a parking ticket could end all chances of employment
[stats] happiness goes down, civil rights go down, economic freedom goes down, social equality goes down, unemployment goes up (if unemployment is a stat)

[option] “I know!!” @@RANDOMNAME@@ shouts out, an eccentric teacher in the draconian private school 'St. Lucifers High School', “why don’t we just send all the criminals off to a small, deserted island far away from @@REGION@@, then we wont have them influencing our precious children, or living off taxpayers money. Of course, to prevent an uprising, we will have to send the military every now and then to … ‘contain’ the prisoners. You catch my drift?”
[effect] criminals routinely disappear in the middle of the night
[stats] happiness goes up, civil rights goes down, social equality goes up, defence goes up.

[option] "Why not just kill them!" your father, @@RANDOMNAME@@ says. "If you hang the criminals in the centre of every major city, it would spread a message to the people of @@NAME@@, and it would me much cheaper. Of course, the children would be exposed, but that will only enforce the law into the little youngsters."
[effect] psychiatrists are flooded with children who have seen the notorious public executions
[stats] happiness goes down, economy gets stronger, civil rights goes down, crime goes down

i have corrected the grammatical errors, made the effects less bland, and changed the situation in option 3

[edit] and added an option 4

what do you think?

It's pretty good now, but you might want to add an option to kill the criminals instead of sending them away to an island. It's so much cheaper!