Aperture Science
03-10-2008, 18:00
Name: Daakn Har Huec Mekal (The Great Kingdom of the Goblins), The Goblin Federation (coloquial)
Government: Technically a empire under the Low King, de-facto confederation
The Low King of the Blood Moon tribe rules, theoretically, from his mountain stronghold of Gundabad. In actuality, the Goblin realm is home to hundreds of petty kings, and while the Low King does have some real authority over them all, its the authority of being present with more Goblins than they have.
Essentially, all the various Goblin lords are highly loyal to the Low King, but only while the Low King is present, in person. The moment he turns his back, the kingdoms generally go back to squabbling.
Essentially the only way to stop the constant bickering and fueding between Goblin clans is to present them with a more interesting target than each other.
Population: 10-20 million Goblins of various tribes and races.
Most Goblins are of the standard 'green' variety. A few offshoots have, however, appeared.
The most common are the 'red' Goblins, a shorter, more stocky variety. They tend towards almost Dwarvish love of all things engineering. They are among the best artificers in the world, producing intricate and delicate devices, as well as some of the best weapons of Goblinkind.
White Goblins, who live in the high coastal mountains of the north, are a great deal smarter than your average Goblin. While, as with most Goblins, few of them are especially proficient in the magical arts, they are usually sought out as translators, diplomats and doctors.
Grey Goblins, who are, perhaps, a result of interbreeding with Orcs, roam the plains and wastes outside of the swamps and mountains. They are taller than most Goblins, some even reach four foot six, and have a more Orcish demeanor and physique than their slighter cousins. They are, perhaps, most famous for their habit of riding wolves into battle, for while they are large for Goblins, they are still small and light enough to employ dogs as pack animals.
Green goblins main specialty is numbers. Many have compared them to rabbits. They are, essentially, the 'stock' goblin race.
Geographicus Goblinicus:
The Goblin Kingdom is a land of extremes. Much of the south, extending roughly to the isthmus connecting Mychior to Lordeanor consists of swamps, with occasional tendrils of dry land extending through it, allowing some passage. From the isthmus extends a mountain range, which keeps the moisture in the swamps and away from the wasteland to the north of the mountains, which gradually transforms into scrub land and plains as you go further north.
The main Goblin clans are:
The Blood Moon Clan:
Chief of the Goblin clans and, theoretically, the capital of all Goblin realms. It hosts a population of nearly two million Goblins in a single bustling mountain of black and red stone, said to have been inhabited by the Goblins since the dawn of time. Indeed, some of the first tunnels may predate 'modern' Goblins as a species. The Blood Moon clan is traditionally held to be the original Goblin clan, from which all others sprang.
The Five Spark Clan:
The largest clan of red Goblins, the Five Sparks are renowned for their mechanical skill. Indeed, it is said that they possess an army of mechanical soldiers, flying machines, and amazing devices known as 'clocks' that tell you what time it is even when you cant see the sun or the particular species of cave beetle the Goblins employ as a timekeeper (if you've eaten your beetle, its lunch time.) The Five Sparks clan has set up its home in the Tar Shal Camp, deep within the great swamp. They are said, however, to have storehouses spread across the lands.
The Blade Pass Clan:
Mentioning the Blade Pass Clan to a goblin will typically elicit a variety of responses. Awe, fear, loathing, jealousy and hunger among them. The Blade Pass Goblins hold the same station in your everyday Goblin's life as the Illuminati do in an Americans. They are said to run everything from the weather down to the governments of the world, operating in secret and wearing their famous black robes, contrasting nicely with their white skin.
They are also, a rarity among Goblins, almost universally skilled in the magical arts. They are few in number, most say the entire clan numbers less than ten thousand, but powerful in many arcane fields. Their main home is a mountain in the far north, but they are often seen as advisors and mages in the service of other kingdoms.
The Broken Arrow Clan:
The Grey Goblins, although nomadic, still hold to the clan system of their more settled cousins. The Broken Arrows are the closest thing in the Goblin world to mercenaries and merchants. They are regarded as exceptionally greedy, even among Goblins, who consider a pathological love of all things shiny a cultural trait. It is said that a Broken Arrow Goblin would sell not only his mother, but would disembowel his mother and sell her organs separately.
They are, perhaps, the only Goblins to achieve a long lasting and (fairly) peaceful relationship with outsiders. They have no settled home, but wander the plains, trading with those they encounter.
There are, as mentioned, hundreds, if not thousands, of other clans. The numbers constantly shift as clans split or are absorbed, schism, engage in civil wars, are wiped out and migrate. If the Goblins had a word for 'census' it would also mean 'waste of time'.
Economy
As mentioned, the Broken Arrow Clan and a few other Goblins have some trade contact with the outside world, but the majority of the 'economy' consists of clans raiding each other, raiding nearby nations, cities, merchants, travelers, pilgrims and anything that happens to be mobile enough and carrying enough interesting stuff to be raidable. And some things that aren't.
Goblinology
The average Goblin is between three and three and half feet tall. They tend to be scrawny (by human standards), looking malnourished and undermuscled. Despite this, few Goblins are anything but 'weak', many have strength approximately equal to a human, generally from a lifetime of hard labor either digging or fighting.
Their small musculature is a result of Goblin adaptations for living underground almost constantly. Their bodies are extremely efficient in their use of oxygen, and capable of shedding heat easily (especially thanks to their large ears). Perhaps most intriguing is the 'third lung', which is essentially a small sack between the two main lungs. This contains a number of symbiotic bacteria which produce oxygen from waste gasses the Goblin breathes out. While it will not enable a Goblin to hold its breath forever, it does mean they can survive in places with very little breathable air, and can hold their breath for quite a long time.
Nonetheless, Goblins are not great swimmers. They tend to sink quite easily due to their lack of fat. This has led, among other things, to a paranoia of deep water. It is, perhaps, one of the very few things Goblins really and truly fear. Besides in-laws.
Besides this, Goblins have an amazingly tough immune system. This is, perhaps, the result of generations of living in tunnels which are often used as garbage dumps, latrines and dinning halls. Goblins are rarely sick, and, usually, when they are, it doesn't last long. However, anybody unfortunate enough to be bitten by a Goblin will quickly discover that they are anything but disease-free. Especially when their arm starts growing mushrooms.
The psychology of Goblins is radically different from that of a human. At least, a sane human. They are rarely anything but cheerful, happy-go-lucky fellows who happen to enjoy killing things. The only other mood typically seen is insane rage, and usually it isn't seen for long, because if you're close enough to tell the difference the Goblin is most likely in mid-air with an ax in both hands and about to attempt to separate your head from your body.
Goblinball is the main sport, aside from warfare, of the Goblin clans. It is regarded as something of a religion, with fans knowing the names, numbers and positions of their favorite players, despite the fact that players frequently retire, usually due to death.
Goblinball is played like a mix of the Mesoamerican ballgame, American football, and Russian roulette.
The 'ball' is actually a bomb, usually a standard goblin bomb thrown together prior to the game. It is placed in the center of a field which can be of virtually any size, although the largest (at Gundabad) is roughly one hundred meters in length.
The goal is to get the ball through the enemies goal for points. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game, wins. The game usually goes on until one team gives up, or is dead. As no replacements are allowed in the course of the game this can mean games are sometimes quite short.
As the ball tends to explode frequently, there are a number of replacements for it avalible.
A frequent features at these events is Gerkh, or Goblin beer. Its exact ingredients are secret, but it is known for its tar-like consistency, tendency to melt metal, and its lethality if consumed by most other races. Most Goblins can only stand a single cup before they pass out. Its other uses include paint thinner, de-louser, insect repellent, and roof tar.
Religion:
Goblins believe they are already dead, and have gone to heaven.
As a reward for good behavior in their previous life, they believe they are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want to.
The priestly cast is typically small, since honoring the gods is a secondary occupation now that they've achieved paradise. Mostly they keep to themselves and try to keep the gods from smiting everybody. This usually involves lots of drinking. The priests are also the traditional mages of Goblinkind, being especially blessed by the Gods with the ability to summon fire from mid air, whereas most other Goblins have to work at that kind of thing.
As with almost everything designed by Goblins, their mages are exceptionally powerful, if rare, right up to the moment when they explode. This happens fairly frequently, but the number of mages is kept at a roughly even level thanks to a constant supply of replacements.
Excerpts from Dangerous Snakes, Spiders, Marsupials, Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Lichens, Trees, Bushes, Insects, Magical Creatures, Dusts, and Unknown Creatures of the Great Swamp of Mychior, AKA: The Flora and Fauna of the Great Swamp:
The original Flora and Fauna of the Great Swamp is, sadly, not available. It was compiled some fifty years ago by the great explorer Alfonze Von Scone who, sadly, passed away shortly before publishing, the cause of death being metal poisoning, the result of fifteen arrows in the back, apparently.
However, his seminal piece on the various creatures and plants of the Great Swamp which composes the entirety of southern Mychior and beyond, remains to us, passed down through faithful copies and reproduction. Unfortunately only a portion of the text was actually legible, as a great deal of the book had been various melted, burned, clawed and submerged. It is also said that the original volume saved the authors life by stopping the arrow that would have pierced his heart.
Sadly, his various other organs lacked such protection.
Curiously, Von Scone is the only human to have ever managed to secure the services of a Goblin guide. A Mr. Six-Running-Frogs of the Broken Tree clan. When asked for the reason he and his companions helped Mr. Von Scone, the reply was fairly simple:
"Dat guy's crazier 'n a pack o' flamin' [expletive deleted] monkeys, he ain't no [expletive deleted], [expletive deleted]. Yew gotta respect th' kinda guy 'o can rip th' [expletives deleted] right off o' a chargin' Skher n' live ta tell about it, that guy's gotta [expletive deleted] set o' [expletives deleted]."
In any case, the remaining parts provide a fascinating look into the amazing biology of the Great Swamp, known across the lands for its fierce tribes of Goblins, beautiful wildlife, and carnivorous plants. Please note the highly detailed illustrations, completed by our own skilled artists.
Page 3, the Reticulated Spitting Lemur Lemur Expectoratus
...ys clearly not a member of thy normal Lemur order, bearing ay strangee crest upon its head. Infpection of this has yielded that thys particular fpecies, in fact, mounts a fpecialized apperatii upon yts forehead, thys, when thy creature iys agitated, rapidly spouts forth a great quantity of venom of a most caustic nature. Two native guides lost yn thys experimynt.
Thy lemur appears to enjoy hanging from trees, where it ys nearly invisible as a resfult of yts peculiar pattern of coat, which blynds in perfectly with its furroundings. When prey ys spottyed, it rotates down upon it, secured to thy tree wyth yts tail, whereupon it sprayth a yts prey in thy face wyth thys venom, caufing blindnef, paralyfys and a great amouynt of fcreaming.
Y hayf willed that all thy members of thys party henceforth shall bear eye protecfion at alle tymes.
Page 122, the Arrgharrghsgraaagh Arrgharrghsgraaagh Arrgharrghsgraaaghus
Thys creature ys, Y will, thy most foul tempered ynd unpleafant beast in the entire swampe. Y have felected to name it yafter thy fyrst words uttered by thy guide hafter he ftepped upon one, whereupon yt lept from thy water ynd ynferted yts fangs ynto thy guidys eyes, caufing a great deal of unpleasantness.
After thy creature hayd vanished, thy guide burst, showering us wyth a good deal of Goblin flesh. Yt has byn named for thy guide made shortly prior to his unfortunate accydent. Yt appears thys ys a mythod of reproduction for thy creature, ays a number of larvae emerged from thy location where thy guide previoufly ftood.
I hyf once again ysked my party to confider stronger eye protecfion.
Government: Technically a empire under the Low King, de-facto confederation
The Low King of the Blood Moon tribe rules, theoretically, from his mountain stronghold of Gundabad. In actuality, the Goblin realm is home to hundreds of petty kings, and while the Low King does have some real authority over them all, its the authority of being present with more Goblins than they have.
Essentially, all the various Goblin lords are highly loyal to the Low King, but only while the Low King is present, in person. The moment he turns his back, the kingdoms generally go back to squabbling.
Essentially the only way to stop the constant bickering and fueding between Goblin clans is to present them with a more interesting target than each other.
Population: 10-20 million Goblins of various tribes and races.
Most Goblins are of the standard 'green' variety. A few offshoots have, however, appeared.
The most common are the 'red' Goblins, a shorter, more stocky variety. They tend towards almost Dwarvish love of all things engineering. They are among the best artificers in the world, producing intricate and delicate devices, as well as some of the best weapons of Goblinkind.
White Goblins, who live in the high coastal mountains of the north, are a great deal smarter than your average Goblin. While, as with most Goblins, few of them are especially proficient in the magical arts, they are usually sought out as translators, diplomats and doctors.
Grey Goblins, who are, perhaps, a result of interbreeding with Orcs, roam the plains and wastes outside of the swamps and mountains. They are taller than most Goblins, some even reach four foot six, and have a more Orcish demeanor and physique than their slighter cousins. They are, perhaps, most famous for their habit of riding wolves into battle, for while they are large for Goblins, they are still small and light enough to employ dogs as pack animals.
Green goblins main specialty is numbers. Many have compared them to rabbits. They are, essentially, the 'stock' goblin race.
Geographicus Goblinicus:
The Goblin Kingdom is a land of extremes. Much of the south, extending roughly to the isthmus connecting Mychior to Lordeanor consists of swamps, with occasional tendrils of dry land extending through it, allowing some passage. From the isthmus extends a mountain range, which keeps the moisture in the swamps and away from the wasteland to the north of the mountains, which gradually transforms into scrub land and plains as you go further north.
The main Goblin clans are:
The Blood Moon Clan:
Chief of the Goblin clans and, theoretically, the capital of all Goblin realms. It hosts a population of nearly two million Goblins in a single bustling mountain of black and red stone, said to have been inhabited by the Goblins since the dawn of time. Indeed, some of the first tunnels may predate 'modern' Goblins as a species. The Blood Moon clan is traditionally held to be the original Goblin clan, from which all others sprang.
The Five Spark Clan:
The largest clan of red Goblins, the Five Sparks are renowned for their mechanical skill. Indeed, it is said that they possess an army of mechanical soldiers, flying machines, and amazing devices known as 'clocks' that tell you what time it is even when you cant see the sun or the particular species of cave beetle the Goblins employ as a timekeeper (if you've eaten your beetle, its lunch time.) The Five Sparks clan has set up its home in the Tar Shal Camp, deep within the great swamp. They are said, however, to have storehouses spread across the lands.
The Blade Pass Clan:
Mentioning the Blade Pass Clan to a goblin will typically elicit a variety of responses. Awe, fear, loathing, jealousy and hunger among them. The Blade Pass Goblins hold the same station in your everyday Goblin's life as the Illuminati do in an Americans. They are said to run everything from the weather down to the governments of the world, operating in secret and wearing their famous black robes, contrasting nicely with their white skin.
They are also, a rarity among Goblins, almost universally skilled in the magical arts. They are few in number, most say the entire clan numbers less than ten thousand, but powerful in many arcane fields. Their main home is a mountain in the far north, but they are often seen as advisors and mages in the service of other kingdoms.
The Broken Arrow Clan:
The Grey Goblins, although nomadic, still hold to the clan system of their more settled cousins. The Broken Arrows are the closest thing in the Goblin world to mercenaries and merchants. They are regarded as exceptionally greedy, even among Goblins, who consider a pathological love of all things shiny a cultural trait. It is said that a Broken Arrow Goblin would sell not only his mother, but would disembowel his mother and sell her organs separately.
They are, perhaps, the only Goblins to achieve a long lasting and (fairly) peaceful relationship with outsiders. They have no settled home, but wander the plains, trading with those they encounter.
There are, as mentioned, hundreds, if not thousands, of other clans. The numbers constantly shift as clans split or are absorbed, schism, engage in civil wars, are wiped out and migrate. If the Goblins had a word for 'census' it would also mean 'waste of time'.
Economy
As mentioned, the Broken Arrow Clan and a few other Goblins have some trade contact with the outside world, but the majority of the 'economy' consists of clans raiding each other, raiding nearby nations, cities, merchants, travelers, pilgrims and anything that happens to be mobile enough and carrying enough interesting stuff to be raidable. And some things that aren't.
Goblinology
The average Goblin is between three and three and half feet tall. They tend to be scrawny (by human standards), looking malnourished and undermuscled. Despite this, few Goblins are anything but 'weak', many have strength approximately equal to a human, generally from a lifetime of hard labor either digging or fighting.
Their small musculature is a result of Goblin adaptations for living underground almost constantly. Their bodies are extremely efficient in their use of oxygen, and capable of shedding heat easily (especially thanks to their large ears). Perhaps most intriguing is the 'third lung', which is essentially a small sack between the two main lungs. This contains a number of symbiotic bacteria which produce oxygen from waste gasses the Goblin breathes out. While it will not enable a Goblin to hold its breath forever, it does mean they can survive in places with very little breathable air, and can hold their breath for quite a long time.
Nonetheless, Goblins are not great swimmers. They tend to sink quite easily due to their lack of fat. This has led, among other things, to a paranoia of deep water. It is, perhaps, one of the very few things Goblins really and truly fear. Besides in-laws.
Besides this, Goblins have an amazingly tough immune system. This is, perhaps, the result of generations of living in tunnels which are often used as garbage dumps, latrines and dinning halls. Goblins are rarely sick, and, usually, when they are, it doesn't last long. However, anybody unfortunate enough to be bitten by a Goblin will quickly discover that they are anything but disease-free. Especially when their arm starts growing mushrooms.
The psychology of Goblins is radically different from that of a human. At least, a sane human. They are rarely anything but cheerful, happy-go-lucky fellows who happen to enjoy killing things. The only other mood typically seen is insane rage, and usually it isn't seen for long, because if you're close enough to tell the difference the Goblin is most likely in mid-air with an ax in both hands and about to attempt to separate your head from your body.
Goblinball is the main sport, aside from warfare, of the Goblin clans. It is regarded as something of a religion, with fans knowing the names, numbers and positions of their favorite players, despite the fact that players frequently retire, usually due to death.
Goblinball is played like a mix of the Mesoamerican ballgame, American football, and Russian roulette.
The 'ball' is actually a bomb, usually a standard goblin bomb thrown together prior to the game. It is placed in the center of a field which can be of virtually any size, although the largest (at Gundabad) is roughly one hundred meters in length.
The goal is to get the ball through the enemies goal for points. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game, wins. The game usually goes on until one team gives up, or is dead. As no replacements are allowed in the course of the game this can mean games are sometimes quite short.
As the ball tends to explode frequently, there are a number of replacements for it avalible.
A frequent features at these events is Gerkh, or Goblin beer. Its exact ingredients are secret, but it is known for its tar-like consistency, tendency to melt metal, and its lethality if consumed by most other races. Most Goblins can only stand a single cup before they pass out. Its other uses include paint thinner, de-louser, insect repellent, and roof tar.
Religion:
Goblins believe they are already dead, and have gone to heaven.
As a reward for good behavior in their previous life, they believe they are allowed to do pretty much whatever they want to.
The priestly cast is typically small, since honoring the gods is a secondary occupation now that they've achieved paradise. Mostly they keep to themselves and try to keep the gods from smiting everybody. This usually involves lots of drinking. The priests are also the traditional mages of Goblinkind, being especially blessed by the Gods with the ability to summon fire from mid air, whereas most other Goblins have to work at that kind of thing.
As with almost everything designed by Goblins, their mages are exceptionally powerful, if rare, right up to the moment when they explode. This happens fairly frequently, but the number of mages is kept at a roughly even level thanks to a constant supply of replacements.
Excerpts from Dangerous Snakes, Spiders, Marsupials, Mammals, Reptiles, Amphibians, Lichens, Trees, Bushes, Insects, Magical Creatures, Dusts, and Unknown Creatures of the Great Swamp of Mychior, AKA: The Flora and Fauna of the Great Swamp:
The original Flora and Fauna of the Great Swamp is, sadly, not available. It was compiled some fifty years ago by the great explorer Alfonze Von Scone who, sadly, passed away shortly before publishing, the cause of death being metal poisoning, the result of fifteen arrows in the back, apparently.
However, his seminal piece on the various creatures and plants of the Great Swamp which composes the entirety of southern Mychior and beyond, remains to us, passed down through faithful copies and reproduction. Unfortunately only a portion of the text was actually legible, as a great deal of the book had been various melted, burned, clawed and submerged. It is also said that the original volume saved the authors life by stopping the arrow that would have pierced his heart.
Sadly, his various other organs lacked such protection.
Curiously, Von Scone is the only human to have ever managed to secure the services of a Goblin guide. A Mr. Six-Running-Frogs of the Broken Tree clan. When asked for the reason he and his companions helped Mr. Von Scone, the reply was fairly simple:
"Dat guy's crazier 'n a pack o' flamin' [expletive deleted] monkeys, he ain't no [expletive deleted], [expletive deleted]. Yew gotta respect th' kinda guy 'o can rip th' [expletives deleted] right off o' a chargin' Skher n' live ta tell about it, that guy's gotta [expletive deleted] set o' [expletives deleted]."
In any case, the remaining parts provide a fascinating look into the amazing biology of the Great Swamp, known across the lands for its fierce tribes of Goblins, beautiful wildlife, and carnivorous plants. Please note the highly detailed illustrations, completed by our own skilled artists.
Page 3, the Reticulated Spitting Lemur Lemur Expectoratus
...ys clearly not a member of thy normal Lemur order, bearing ay strangee crest upon its head. Infpection of this has yielded that thys particular fpecies, in fact, mounts a fpecialized apperatii upon yts forehead, thys, when thy creature iys agitated, rapidly spouts forth a great quantity of venom of a most caustic nature. Two native guides lost yn thys experimynt.
Thy lemur appears to enjoy hanging from trees, where it ys nearly invisible as a resfult of yts peculiar pattern of coat, which blynds in perfectly with its furroundings. When prey ys spottyed, it rotates down upon it, secured to thy tree wyth yts tail, whereupon it sprayth a yts prey in thy face wyth thys venom, caufing blindnef, paralyfys and a great amouynt of fcreaming.
Y hayf willed that all thy members of thys party henceforth shall bear eye protecfion at alle tymes.
Page 122, the Arrgharrghsgraaagh Arrgharrghsgraaagh Arrgharrghsgraaaghus
Thys creature ys, Y will, thy most foul tempered ynd unpleafant beast in the entire swampe. Y have felected to name it yafter thy fyrst words uttered by thy guide hafter he ftepped upon one, whereupon yt lept from thy water ynd ynferted yts fangs ynto thy guidys eyes, caufing a great deal of unpleasantness.
After thy creature hayd vanished, thy guide burst, showering us wyth a good deal of Goblin flesh. Yt has byn named for thy guide made shortly prior to his unfortunate accydent. Yt appears thys ys a mythod of reproduction for thy creature, ays a number of larvae emerged from thy location where thy guide previoufly ftood.
I hyf once again ysked my party to confider stronger eye protecfion.