NationStates Jolt Archive

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Imperial News Channel 7 Internet Bulletin
House of Cats
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Today, in a historical Imperial decree, Empress Catalia has authorized the opening of the Forensathan Institute of Science, Technology, and Alcohol (FISTA). It is inter-House science institute established in order to properly lead the Empire into the future. We have a live feed from the celebration by the lead scientists.

(video begins to play, showing what looks like a laboratory)

(people inside the laboratory include three men and a woman wearing lab coats and forty others, who are in various stages of undress, with all in the room drinking)

(the woman wearing a labcoat is dancing drunkenly on a table)

Labcoated Woman: (pulls up shirt) Hello world!

(video feed abruptly ends)

We are currently having technical difficulties. Please stand by.

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End News
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The next day
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Karela awoke, groaning, and raised her hand to her head. It felt as though she had the entire Forensathan military marching around inside her skull, with the rhythmic throbbing almost remiscent of their booted footfalls. She almost didn't want her eyes to focus and show her the world around her.

It did not surprise Karela to find herself in a jail cell. Nor did it surprise her to see her lab coat was missing. She was happy to find she was wearing all of her clothes, a t-shirt and jeans with a set of comfortable walking sneakers and what was naturally underneath them. She was even happy, as she ran her hand through her black hair, that she was not covered in grime or puke.

"Ah, you're awake," Gobrin said, his face at about her prone level due to only being two inches taller than five feet. "The other's have already been bailed out by the House of Cats. I was left here to let you know what our plan of research is. Also, the military would like to talk to us."

"What are we researching?" Karella asked, sitting up and finding her own form, two inches short of six feet, to be uncomfortably tall at the moment. "And why does the military want to see us?"

"The Empress wants us to create a form of geothermal power for our nation. She's convinced it will solve power issues," Gobrin said, answering the questions in order. "The military wants to know where we got the llama at."

"Llama?" came the confused question.

"It's in the cell next to us. They didn't have an animal cage big enough to hold it."

Even more confused, Karela turned her head to look into the next cell... and found herself looking into the eyes of a disgruntled llama.

"I named him sparky," Gobrin said.

Lol

You are the recipient of today's Kirav Cookie.

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Imperial News Channel 3 Emergency Bulletin
House of Dragons
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Today, at 6 hundred hours, a bovine was observed by a random boat flying in what, during constant constant surveilance, proved to be a parabolic arc. The boat noted the trajectory brought said bovine from the direction of Forensathan, which was immediately notified by the concerned boatist. At current, an investigation has been launched to determine the exact cause of this oddity.

Please be advised to keep an eye toward the sky in case more inexplicaple flying cattle are observed.

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End Bulletin
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FISTA HQ
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"You built a giant cow cannon," Catalia said, trying to make sure that the monstrosity of rails, tubes, and the like that she was looking at was truly what she thought it was. The cow that was currently making noises of complaint from inside the large barrel certainly suggested she was correct.

"Er, yes..." Karela said, tapping her fingers together nervously and hoping the Empress didn't notice that she was hung over. It had been a year since she had started this job and she certainly hadn't gotten drunk that often. Plus, she was pretty sure they were ahead of schedule in creating that geothermal power plant. Most of it had turned out to be simple research and design adaption to the warmer climate of the Empire.

"How much did this cost?" Catalia asked, her voice even only by force of will.

"Er... We think around five hundred million, from the defense budget..." Karela muttered.

"You spent five hundred million to build a damned cow cannon?!?" Catalia shouted, her temper stretched far beyond her control. "What kind of morons are you people? Do you think this is a joke? Do you enjoy embarassing your nation with stupid stunts like this? The only reason your little stunt a year ago was ignored is because you're one of the best engineers we have! Now I'm going to have to explain to the public, yet again, why it is you're not going to be spending the rest of this decade sitting in a jail cell."

The Empress then turned away. It was everything in her willpower not to let profanity reign in her speech. Then, pausing, she finally relaxed, letting her scientific curiousity get the better of her. She had never seen a cannon of this design or particular purpose, yet she couldn't deny the fact that, even while intoxigated, Karela got results.

"How does it work?" Catalia asked.

"Magnetic rails, Empress. We built a giant version of an experimental railgun," Karela said.

"How did you get around the coils burning themselves out?"

"We didn't."

"Great. You spent a third of our military budget on a device you can only use once or twice before it's worthless," Catalia grumbled. "I assume the magnetic field is strong enough to kill the cows when it launches?"

Karela nodded.

"And the size of this thing means you used most of the magnetic rails in our nation. I don't even want to know how to you got the cows inside," Catalia continued. "So, do you know where it was aimed?"

"Er..."

Catalia began to rub the bridge of her nose, saying, "Please tell me we did not just accidentally attack a nation using a cow."

The years had passed by quick enough, with the work they were doing. Being only eight people, four of whom didn't even have degrees when the project started, certainly guaranteed they were busy. It also meant they were slightly out of touch with their nation.

"I'm glad that project is done," Gobrin said, reaching up to pet Sparky.

Sparky, the mysterious llama who's origin was still not confirmed, had become the unofficial mascot of FISTA. Along with the Cow Cannon, which still rested outside the building due to no one being entirely sure what to do with it and it finally simply getting left there as a project the group would come back to. The thought of someday coming back to it made Karela nervous.

"So am I. Still, what will they have us work on next?" Karela asked. "I doubt they're seriously going to simply disband us after this."

"You're right. We're not," said Empress Catalia as she came in. "Your new projects are to revamp our communications system, establish a rail system to replace automobiles within our nation, to get a set of schematics for that cannon out front, and to work on additional systems of power to supplement the geothermal. As I understand, the geothermal plant has issues with expansion and harm to the environment."

"Empress, we don't exactly have enough people..." Karela began.

"Look outside," Catalia ordered, amused. "I decided to bring you a few extra recruits."

"A few" turned out to be one hundred fifty.

As it turned out, of the people sent to FISTA, ten of them had been geneticists. The House of Cats had always maintained a genetics department, mostly out of the request of the House of Sheep, but this was the first time they were put on any major project. Karela was unsure what geneticists could do on any project they currently had, but the House of Cats was taking no chances.

As it turned out, one of the geneticists, a girl named Rei, had a theory that photosynthesis could be utilized to create a cheap form of solar power. In the year since the projects had started, the girl had been working on several plants, each a common fern with minor genetic alterations to the plant's cells. None of the attempts in particular yielded relevant results, though her last attempt had produced the impressive results of the plant growing to be fully twice its normal size. Luckily, Rei was sober and kept notes, so the House of Sheep was already looking over the genetic changes along with some scientists from the House of Cats to determine if it might have beneficial effects on humans.

It was the latest attempt, however, which seemed to puzzle Rei the most. Despite her best attempts, she was unable to figure out what had gone wrong. The plant's growth had stunted shortly after a certain period in its growth, and now it appeared to be completely dead, made up of some foreign material she was unable to identify. Finally, sighing, Rei was forced to call over Karela.

"Yes?" Karela asked as she approached.

"I seem to be having a problem with this specimen..." Rei whined.

Karela reached up and touched a leaf, saying, "That's because it's plastic. Unusual plastic and very realistic, but plastic. Looks like someone pulled a prank on you."

"Plastic? But... Look through the microscope," Rei said, puzzled.

"I'm not familiar with plant biology," Karela said, turning to one of the other people. "Johan! You're needed over here."

Johan, like Rei, was young. Like Rei, he was barely out of school. And, like her, he was far too intelligent for his years, producing an inherent arrogance that age would naturally soften. Finally, like Rei, he tended towards the biological side, though he was more familiar with cells and things bigger than with the genetics side. He also didn't hesitate to look into the microscope when Karela indicated it.

"Hmm... What am I looking at? These look like plant cells, but they're unusual... I've never seen forms like this in a plant," he said, pulling back. "Rei, where did you get these?"

"From this one," Rei said, indicating the plastic plant.

"That's... It feels like plastic! Yet... Can you replicate this?"

Karela left the two be, as they got heavily involved in what she knew would be a new project. If it turned out that they could grow plastic from plants, then things would be quite interesting. In any case, she had other things to attend to... like the llama currently chewing on her couch.

"Sparky!" Karela shouted, only to groan as the startled animal took off running, knocking over tables and breaking instruments on its panicked trip out the front door.

Catalia began to rub the bridge of her nose, saying, "Please tell me we did not just accidentally attack a nation using a cow."

OOC: That's my que. :p

Do you mind me being on your border? If not, just say so.

IC:
Red Tidean-Forensathan Border

Border Commissar-Lieutenant Gennady Gennadeovich Reskavon was bored, it came with the job. The Border Guard arm of the Intelligence Commissariat had several purposes. The first was to keep in possible emmigrants, keep a look out for illegal immigrants, and act as a sort-of a trip wire for the State Guard in the even of overland invasion.

That last one made every Commissar in the entire Commissariat snort. The Totalitarian State of Red Tide was surrounded mostly by small nations, there were few that would even act as a speed bump for the Armed Forces of the State.

Yawning, Gennady turned away from his binoculars for a moment. Then there was a whistling sound and a very loud: 'KERSPLAT!'

To Reskavon's utter disgust and fright, something wet, mushy, and foul smelling slammed into his back.

"SH*T!" Gennady said, spinning back around to the front of the bunker which was now covered by pink and red gunk. "What the hell?"

His subordinate Commissars did not dare laugh, as they knew they could be denounced if they did, they merely looked at him quizicly and then at the narrow open to the border bunker.

"WELL?!" Gennady barked, "What the hell are you waiting for!? FIND OUT WHAT THAT WAS!"

A Commissar-Sergeant stood up and nodded, motioning for some Corporals and Privates to follow him... they were back in minutes.

"It was apparently the remnants of a cow..." He said.

Gennady's eyes bugged out, "A cow?"

"The remnants of one, yes." Was the reply.

Gennady shook his head, "What makes you think that?"

The Sergeant merely threw down a strip of smelly meat... which had white with parts of a black spot on it. The Sergeant went on, "It apparently came from the otherside of the border."

Gennady raised an eyebrow, opened his mouth, closed it... and then shook his head. He pointed to a set-up wireless radio.

"I'll let you report it. In the meantime, I need a bath."

OOC: Heh. Yeah, there'd be a problem with it. Our nations are not even in the same region, and I try to be realistic about the nation's location when it comes to some things, even as silly as this.

OOC: Well, that just changed...

OOC: Here. Sorry about the delay, but someone had distracted me and gotten me to not pay attention to this one >.<

IC:

"Have we determined where the cow landed yet?" asked General Gorgon of the House of Dragons.

"No, General. We have searched, but we lack the report of the fisherman and the cannon's aim was changed by the recoil of the launch," came the reply of the private who was acting as the information messenger.

"Damn. Keep searching," Gorgon ordered.

Gorgon sighed, leaving the command center. How FISTA had produced the cannon was beyond him. He was a soldier, not a scientist, and thus did not understand any of the fancy science-babble they spewed whenever he asked them a question. Something about magnetowhatsits and cow brains being ripped apart. He also reflected, as he watched two soldiers relax with their XMs at hand, that this nation was growing used to the international community. He noted that one of the soldiers he was looking at sported a hairband that was popular in Ustio North, all the while they talked about anime movies from nations he honestly didn't care to know about. Yet the old traditions continued, so he knew that those of his generation would not be entirely left behind by the nation as it grew.

"Oh, did you hear there was another spotting of the Ghosts of Battle? Three of them were seen picking fruit along the border..." one of the two soldiers said.

The Ghosts of Battle... Gorgon snorted derisively and moved on. It was an old myth. Who would believe that there would be a band of samurai riding across the land and using old weapons in this day and age? They'd be cut down by the first person with an assault rifle they ran across. No, there were no samurai.

"General, wait!" came the private from earlier. "Your daughter called. She wants to know if you'll be ready for her play tonight."

Gorgon smiled and said, "Unless you find a nation angry at us because of a cow, I couldn't think of anything short of nuclear war that would prevent me from attending."

"Sir, I doubt it'll be interrupted. Our best guess is it landed in uninhabbited territory. No one to complain except some wildmen or the Ghosts of Battle," came the private's answer.

"Well, if some tribal savages or a myth shows up to complain, definitely let me know. And get a camera crew here. The Empress will want proof of it if I submitted that as a complaint," came the amused reply.

OOC: Does your nation have a habit of being stupid and funny? I mean, a Cow cannon? That is funny and still stupid.

OOC: Actually, for the most part, my nation is quite serious. However, life does include bits of the rediculous (especially in science), and as such I tend to include those as well.