NationStates Jolt Archive

Greetings and salutations, carbon-based meatbags,

It is the unfourtunate duty of this unit to announce that Aperture Science will hereby be canceling all funding to the Take-a-Wish foundation, whose mission was to take wishes from terminally ill children and give them to less terminally-ill, but more wish-deprived, people.
Sad as it may seem, many were determined to shut the foundation down from the start. Several described it as a 'horrible joke', despite the seriousness of the mission. Few realize that many sad old men with lots and lots of money require wishes too.
For instance, the foundations greatest success to date was to take a trip to Disney World from a girl who was dying of cancer and had lost both legs to a landmine in Peru, and give it to a Mr. Johnathan Steiner, a young heir to a fortune of fifty billion dollars. Mr. Steiner was overjoyed at this unexpected gift.
Of course, the press at the time condemned the act of charity on the part of the foundation as a 'crime against humanity, clearly conceived by a person whose sole joy in life is the suffering of others', however, this is quite illogical. If the sole goal had been to deprive little Saundra of her trip to Disney World, then clearly the foundation would not have gifted it to Mr. Steiner, but would rather have simply sold it and devoted the funds to further research in the area of human suffering.

However, despite all this, the foundation continued bravely on, taking wishes and diverting them to recipients who needed them. Alas, under threat of legal action from a coalition of parents (including the late Saundra's), the Take-a-Wish foundation has folded, and will no longer operate.
However, we are pleased to announce that Aperture Science will continue to fund research into human suffering, in the interests of knowing more about human suffering. Should any wish to volunteer to assist in this research, please contact your local Aperture Science consulate, embassy, or branch office, and we will be pleased to assist you in filling out the paperwork.
Please note that all volunteers agree to not disagree with signing the Aperture Science Human Suffering Division Terms of Services contract, for details see pages 12,500 to 15,562 of the Aperture Science Divisional Terms of Service and Volunteer Documentation (cost USD2,200 per unit), all who complete the Human Suffering Divisional testing and experimentation protocols will be missed.
Aperture Science is pleased to be on the cutting edge of technology and hopes to continue to provide excellent services in the future.

Thank you for reading this message, have a nice day.

DiploBot (TM) Mk X
Aperture Science Diplomacy Division

On a side note, Aperture Science will continue its study into the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver (a maneuver to counter the Heimlich Maneuver). Nations interested in this research should contact the Aperture Science Martial Arts Division for more information on the method and application of the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver.
Please note that the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver is copyright by Aperture Science, and those using it without license will be subject to lawsuit and possible application of the maneuver should they happen to choke on anything during the course of the legal proceedings.

That is all.

...What?

Good Morning,

If comprehension is an issue, we would be pleased to ship you a copy of the Aperture Science Guide to English Language Comprehension and Understanding (Second Edition). We assure that it will assist you in fully understanding and responding to all communications, provided they are in English. Aperture Science also provides Language Comprehension and Understanding guides for Spanish, Italian, Russian, Mongolian, Bantu, C++, Kanto-Dialect Japanese, Moroccan Arabic, Tibetan, Icelandic, Binary, and Esperanto. These guides will no doubt prove extremely helpful in understanding the languages in question.
Should you wish to comprehend what people are actually saying, we suggest contacting a philosopher.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

Can you reccomend any?

Good Morning,

Philosophy is not our specialty. We suggest consulting your national equivalent of the phone book. If your nation is not currently in possession of the communication infrastructure which would be required to make use of such items, we would be pleased to assist in constructing that infrastructure for a nominal fee, after which you would be able to contact a local philosopher and obtain the information you wish to obtain.
The internet may also prove valuable in your research.

Your sarcasm has been noted and logged. Please hold on the line while we locate and install the required software for a witty response.

Thank you, and have a nice day.

F-ware systems would recommend the purchase of the Early Sarcasm Warning Device. Utilising a loud siren and a BTCa (Bad Taste Cascade Array), settings can allow for sarcasm to be detected up to five minutes before actual occurrence, with 80% accuracy. Adjustments also allow for detection of poor puns and bad jokes, giving the user time to brace themselves and think up a witty response.

"The overwhelming response by Vetalian citizens to this disturbing news is simple: can't you just sell us the kids?"

http://www.karoath.com/graphics/voidsymbol.jpg
NORTHSTAR

The Northstar Corporation has been deeply saddened by the news of the removal of funding to of yet another noteworthy charity. We have long been admirers of the Take-a-Wish foundation and Aperture Science's selfless work with the wish deprived. We believe that this will only heighten this epidemic spreading the globe, which obviously is a negative occurrence. We fully understand that as a national government Aperture Science can be pressured into making bad decisions, and do not blame them in anyway for this event.

However we are not a government. We are a private company. And therefore in the great Belschaft tradition of philanthropy we are offering to not only take over Aperture Science's funding of the Take-a-Wish foundation, but to use our worldwide influence to spread their message and goals - which we share - world wide.

F-ware systems would recommend the purchase of the Early Sarcasm Warning Device. Utilising a loud siren and a BTCa (Bad Taste Cascade Array), settings can allow for sarcasm to be detected up to five minutes before actual occurrence, with 80% accuracy. Adjustments also allow for detection of poor puns and bad jokes, giving the user time to brace themselves and think up a witty response.

Good Day,

We find that our current Sarcasm drivers are sufficient to the task of detecting and responding to sarcasm. The chief issue seems to be with the Witty Response drivers, which occasionally malfunction and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiQ9bqwertyzarbf, as you can imagine, this is quite frustrating.

"The overwhelming response by Vetalian citizens to this disturbing news is simple: can't you just sell us the kids?"

Good Day,

The issues arising from this question which prevent the sale of organic children are twofold.
First, the children in question are not the property of Aperture Science or the Take-a-Wish Foundation. The Take-a-Wish Foundation is a world-wide endeavor to assist the wish-deprived across the planet. As such, accusations of kidnapping, international terrorism, and assault resulted in the early closure of the Take-a-Wish foundations efforts in that field.
The second issue is that of human trafficking, which, it seems, many nations find quite repugnant and, as such, Aperture Science has avoided dealing with. As the parent and chief contributor to the Foundation, Aperture Science had some say in the policies of the foundation.

Thank you.

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NORTHSTAR

The Northstar Corporation has been deeply saddened by the news of the removal of funding to of yet another noteworthy charity. We have long been admirers of the Take-a-Wish foundation and Aperture Science's selfless work with the wish deprived. We believe that this will only heighten this epidemic spreading the globe, which obviously is a negative occurrence. We fully understand that as a national government Aperture Science can be pressured into making bad decisions, and do not blame them in anyway for this event.

However we are not a government. We are a private company. And therefore in the great Belschaft tradition of philanthropy we are offering to not only take over Aperture Science's funding of the Take-a-Wish foundation, but to use our worldwide influence to spread their message and goals - which we share - world wide.

Good Day,

We are grateful for the support of the Northstar Corporation in this matter. It is, indeed, a sad day when external forces beyond the control of the people in question intervene and force the early termination of experimentation and good works for all sentient beings. Indeed, many within Aperture Science's sentient population were quite sad, as Aperture Science has the highest level of wish-deprivation among all the countries in which the Foundation operated.

We are pleased that others are willing to take up the burden of operating the Foundation, and hope that the Northstar Corporation will, as mentioned, continue the find tradition of Wish Reallocation in the spirit of fraternal goodwill which, until recently, it was the honor and privilege of Aperture Science to bestow on the worlds wish-deprived population.

Good Day,

We are grateful for the support of the Northstar Corporation in this matter. It is, indeed, a sad day when external forces beyond the control of the people in question intervene and force the early termination of experimentation and good works for all sentient beings. Indeed, many within Aperture Science's sentient population were quite sad, as Aperture Science has the highest level of wish-deprivation among all the countries in which the Foundation operated.

We are pleased that others are willing to take up the burden of operating the Foundation, and hope that the Northstar Corporation will, as mentioned, continue the find tradition of Wish Reallocation in the spirit of fraternal goodwill which, until recently, it was the honor and privilege of Aperture Science to bestow on the worlds wish-deprived population.


The Northstar Corporation is honoured to be taking over this essential work on the problem of large numbers of wish deprived people. We feel that the legacy created for us by Aperture Science is one of numerous success in the face of international dismissal of the problem. We would be delighted if any citizens of Aperture Science who have previously worked with the Take-a-Wish foundation would like to continue working with the charity.

We hope that we can bring this issue to the world in general, and for that purpose have appointed Karl Jung, the inventor of the Pocket Minefield and the Rehabilitation Cube, as our liaison with the Take-a-Wish foundation. He has already proposed the establishment of Wish re-education camps to teach those without wishes how to develop them.

Furthermore he has proposed the merger of the Take-a-Wish foundation with the ‘Joseph Carter Fund for the Purchase of Hot tubs and Pretty Masseuses' for the terminally depressed CEO’ to create a true force of world change, though we would first like to consult you on this idea.

Handwritten Letter

To DiploBot (TM) Mk X,

Hello, I am writing, this rotation of the sun around the earth, to inform you of my feelings of displeasure at the revokage of funding for this worthy cause. My father once had dealings with your nation. He talked much of your promises of a meeting, with cake. However, he was taken hostage before such a meeting could take place, and shortly after that, he died. After hearing of your worthy support of such a worthy cause, I would very much like to meet with your nation, cake or no cake, to discuss relation, among other things. Your nation has conducted much research into the field of scientific advancement, and we wish to commend you on that. I hope to hear from you soon. Also, I would love to discuss your cake facilities, which I also heard much from my father about, as they sounded very interesting, and advanced.

Signed,
Emperor Jonas Listless,
The Holy Empire of the Beatus

we, the interdimentional alience of world haven wish to point out a crucial flaw in the logic of the take-a-wish foundation. it is claimed that wishes are taken from termily ill childeren and given to individuals who are more wish deprived. however, it comes into question how you are mesuring a "lack of wishes". for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner is in fact rich. it can be assumed that he has less wishes than the terminaly ill childeren due to the fact that he can grant most of his own wishes without the Take-a-wish foundations support. it can also be assumed that the child's wishes are of greater magnitude due to the fact that most of Mr. Johnathan Steiner's wishes have already been, or will shortly be granted without assistance. for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner will shortly have 50 billion dolars. it is not so dificult for him to obtain 50 billion and one dolars. this feat is much more dificult fot the child who is not nearly as close to reaching this goal. their wish is larger. adding to this is there shortened life span and sickly nature. this makes there wish even harder to grant. therefore, the ill childeren have both greater and more abundant wishes and deserve to keep there wishes. the take a wish foundations fundimental logic is flawed. it would be better if it did not exist. it would be even better if people such Mr. Johnathan Steiner who have the ability to grant wishes by means of money, would grant wishes for terminaly ill childeren instead.

on another note, the study of human suffering, or the sufferning of most other creatures through set up experimentation, is unnesasary. there are plenty of natural examples that may used. this data may then be used to eliminate the existing suffering resulting in an increes of the total amount of happiness availible. it is sugested that happiness and anti-suffering in general be added to your reserch facilities.

we, the interdimentional alience of world haven wish to point out a crucial flaw in the logic of the take-a-wish foundation. it is claimed that wishes are taken from termily ill childeren and given to individuals who are more wish deprived. however, it comes into question how you are mesuring a "lack of wishes". for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner is in fact rich. it can be assumed that he has less wishes than the terminaly ill childeren due to the fact that he can grant most of his own wishes without the Take-a-wish foundations support. it can also be assumed that the child's wishes are of greater magnitude due to the fact that most of Mr. Johnathan Steiner's wishes have already been, or will shortly be granted without assistance. for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner will shortly have 50 billion dolars. it is not so dificult for him to obtain 50 billion and one dolars. this feat is much more dificult fot the child who is not nearly as close to reaching this goal. their wish is larger. adding to this is there shortened life span and sickly nature. this makes there wish even harder to grant. therefore, the ill childeren have both greater and more abundant wishes and deserve to keep there wishes. the take a wish foundations fundimental logic is flawed. it would be better if it did not exist. it would be even better if people such Mr. Johnathan Steiner who have the ability to grant wishes by means of money, would grant wishes for terminaly ill childeren instead.

on another note, the study of human suffering, or the sufferning of most other creatures through set up experimentation, is unnesasary. there are plenty of natural examples that may used. this data may then be used to eliminate the existing suffering resulting in an increes of the total amount of happiness availible. it is sugested that happiness and anti-suffering in general be added to your reserch facilities.


http://www.karoath.com/graphics/voidsymbol.jpg
NORTHSTAR

As the new main financial backer of the Take-a-wish foundation we wish to assure you we have considered your suggestions. However we have concluded that they are not in line with our international goals, or those of the Take-a-wish foundation. We hope you understand that while we fully respect your opinion on this matter it is, to put it simply wrong. And irrelevant to our and Take-a-wish foundations objectives. We will continue to help those suffering from wish deprecation despite your objections.

Furthermore we find much promise in Aperture Science's studies of human suffering. In fact we have been inspired to begin studies of our own, and hopefully our results will aid us in our endless quest to end the curse of wish deprecation. Already we have had successes - two hours ago we removed a wish for world peace from a child who's family had been killed in a civil war and gave it to a far more deserving Miss World contender.

out of curiosity, exactly what are those objectives?

also, there was no objection to the study. we have ourselves done studies through observation up to a point. to objection comes from the addition of additional situations of suffering when natural suffering is naturaly happening in a abundant and very natural way. it is a waste of resorces to create more. it is also our opinion that the subjects in question should recive suffarage in regards as to weather said subjects should in fact be subjected to suffering should experiments into human suffering continue to make people suffer. even given this, there should be adiquate compensation after said suffering, such as an award of delicious cake. it must be asured that the subjects are subjected to the consumption of said delicious cake after there phase of the suffering has concluded. it will not do to have this not happen. for example, if said the above mentioned cake were in fact, a lie, then there would be problems. additionaly, failure to recive a delicious mouth watering baked reward would cause most if not all suferage in regards to suffering to result in an overwelming "no we do not wish to suffer at this time"

finaly, is it not posible to grant the wishes of both the ill child and the wish deprived individual? especialy given the money that would be saved not creating additional suffering?

The Northstar Corporation is honoured to be taking over this essential work on the problem of large numbers of wish deprived people. We feel that the legacy created for us by Aperture Science is one of numerous success in the face of international dismissal of the problem. We would be delighted if any citizens of Aperture Science who have previously worked with the Take-a-Wish foundation would like to continue working with the charity.

We hope that we can bring this issue to the world in general, and for that purpose have appointed Karl Jung, the inventor of the Pocket Minefield and the Rehabilitation Cube, as our liaison with the Take-a-Wish foundation. He has already proposed the establishment of Wish re-education camps to teach those without wishes how to develop them.

Furthermore he has proposed the merger of the Take-a-Wish foundation with the ‘Joseph Carter Fund for the Purchase of Hot tubs and Pretty Masseuses' for the terminally depressed CEO’ to create a true force of world change, though we would first like to consult you on this idea.

Greetings,

We are pleased to hear this, please note that although we are unable to donate directly to the foundation, we would be pleased to assist in the payment of legal fees should any accrue.

Have a nice day.

Handwritten Letter

To DiploBot (TM) Mk X,

Hello, I am writing, this rotation of the sun around the earth, to inform you of my feelings of displeasure at the revokage of funding for this worthy cause. My father once had dealings with your nation. He talked much of your promises of a meeting, with cake. However, he was taken hostage before such a meeting could take place, and shortly after that, he died. After hearing of your worthy support of such a worthy cause, I would very much like to meet with your nation, cake or no cake, to discuss relation, among other things. Your nation has conducted much research into the field of scientific advancement, and we wish to commend you on that. I hope to hear from you soon. Also, I would love to discuss your cake facilities, which I also heard much from my father about, as they sounded very interesting, and advanced.

Signed,
Emperor Jonas Listless,
The Holy Empire of the Beatus

Greetings,

Indeed, we are most displeased as well. The Take-a-Wish Foundation was one of the founding enterprises of the Aperture Science Corporation, along with the development of the Heimlich Counter-Maneuver and a trans-dimensional bi-positional teleportation device with applications in the shower curtain field.
You may, of course, rest assured that the cake production facilities of Aperture Science are in full swing, producing excellent quality cakes for the consumption of the world. Indeed, Aperture Science has gone so far as to peg its currency to the value of cake. Thus we ensure that the world has an ample supply of delicious cakes of all sorts, and enhance our own economy at the same time.
Should you wish to tour these and other facilities, we would be only too pleased to arrange a visit to one of our off-shore facilities, as the main body of Aperture Science is currently undergoing a period of industrial by-product removal and relocation, in order to assure that our human population and visiting tourists and delegates leave as cancer-free as they came.

Have a nice day.

we, the interdimentional alience of world haven wish to point out a crucial flaw in the logic of the take-a-wish foundation. it is claimed that wishes are taken from termily ill childeren and given to individuals who are more wish deprived. however, it comes into question how you are mesuring a "lack of wishes". for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner is in fact rich. it can be assumed that he has less wishes than the terminaly ill childeren due to the fact that he can grant most of his own wishes without the Take-a-wish foundations support. it can also be assumed that the child's wishes are of greater magnitude due to the fact that most of Mr. Johnathan Steiner's wishes have already been, or will shortly be granted without assistance. for example, Mr. Johnathan Steiner will shortly have 50 billion dolars. it is not so dificult for him to obtain 50 billion and one dolars. this feat is much more dificult fot the child who is not nearly as close to reaching this goal. their wish is larger. adding to this is there shortened life span and sickly nature. this makes there wish even harder to grant. therefore, the ill childeren have both greater and more abundant wishes and deserve to keep there wishes. the take a wish foundations fundimental logic is flawed. it would be better if it did not exist. it would be even better if people such Mr. Johnathan Steiner who have the ability to grant wishes by means of money, would grant wishes for terminaly ill childeren instead.

on another note, the study of human suffering, or the sufferning of most other creatures through set up experimentation, is unnesasary. there are plenty of natural examples that may used. this data may then be used to eliminate the existing suffering resulting in an increes of the total amount of happiness availible. it is sugested that happiness and anti-suffering in general be added to your reserch facilities.

[i]Greetings,

Your letter has been noted and will be routed to the Foundations new offices, once they are established. Currently our ethics drivers are not in place and, as such, we fail to comprehend the nature of your argument. Should you wish to continue this argument, we urge you to consider the possibility of investing in the development of telecommunication infrastructure within Ustio North, a land which we believe to be rich in untapped philosophical resources, who will no doubt positively leap at the chance to debate the ethicality of the Foundation for a nominal per-minute fee.

On the subject of the study of human suffering, you are quite mistaken. While human suffering is, indeed, quite common, the study of human suffering under laboratory conditions is a quite untapped field, and our Sufferologists are highly trained and skilled individuals dedicated to ensuring that every last drop of value is extracted from our volunteers.
And, of course, Aperture Science dedicates a large amount of resources to anti-suffering devices, such as cake, which is provided free of charge to all Human Suffering Department volunteers on completion of the Human Suffering Testing Protocols. Naturally we miss them once they are gone, but they provide an important resource and assist us in the understanding of human suffering, so that we may produce top-quality products with which to both enhance and counter human suffering.

Have a Nice Day.