NationStates Jolt Archive

Allanea to build SuperDreadnaught
Liberty-Times

Today, after several hours of deliberations and a split 79-30 vote, the United States Senate has affirmed the House's Strong Navy Means Freedom Act, the highly controversial supplementary appropriations bill demanding that the Armed Forces divert five hundred billion dollars this year alone to the research and development of superdreadnaught-grade warships – that is, battleships longer than six furlongs.

While some groups – such as, for example, the Freedom And Transparency Foundation – have questioned the bill, calling it merely a 'socialist-style money grant to well-connected corporations' – the supporters of the act, such as Senator Lionel Johnson (R-Roanoke Island) – have called it 'a key step forward towards making Allanea secure against the triple threat of communism, fascism, and slavery.'

John Carlton, of the Freedom And Transparency Foundation, commented as follows: "While some people say it may be a coincidence that some of the Congressmen most loudly in support of this act received millions of dollars in campaign funds from Grover-Landsknecht Shipyards, the company that'll be building the new 'superdreadnaught', I very much doubt it. In fact, I call upon the public to remove their endorsements of the relevant Representatives and recall the relevant Senators'.

President Alexander Kirillovich Kazansky has expressed doubts about the bill previously, but now had agreed to sign it, saying, in part: "I may disagree with the extent of military spending in this year's budget, and in fact, I believe the burden of taxes is heavy enough as it is. But if the public wants a superdreadnaught, then that's what they'll get."

Work on the first experimental Superdreadnaught – designated, so far, "Project X" will begin at what is now known as DREAD Experimental Shipyard Six, at Roanoke Island. It is suggested that the ship will set sail within the year.

To: Allanea
From: Kingdom of Lynion, King Ranakin.

We have heard in our distance island kingdom that you intend to build a superdreadnought. We applause to your ambition and hope that all goes well for the building of the dreadnought.

One thing I must ask, what's the whole point of having a superdreadnought when its only expensive, takes about a year to commission and will be even more expensive to replace?

TO: Allanea
FROM: Aaron Paul, Richard Dawkins Institute for Research of Memes
SUBJECT: Too slow, and more one for my studies.

I guess that my series of articles titled Recent report of memes in governments: cathobabbleism, oil tycoon baits, fursecution and would-be Jew killers will soon have to be updated, while I will definitively make a preface footnote for this fact in the next edition of my book Internets from serious business to sheer idiocy: a treatise on cyber-culture and memes. I thought that the governmental meme of using superdreadnaughts as "symbols of powers" was for a long time over as potheads and retards apparently would no longer be allowed to be heads of engineering in none of the Navies and naval companies across the world, but I guess I was wrong, as while most are scrapping their fund-wasting floating junks, someone begins to build another useless moneysink for money that could be used for much more productive activities and pursuits. Although I am no political analyst, I have almost certainty that this is merely a facade for money laundering and swindling, because honestly I prefer to believe that it is an example of dishonesty rather than a consequence of an unbelievable level of human stupidity. But you were really too slow here, that I could not refuse to use this meme in honor of all the engineers and authorities that have been infected in a very slow manner to the "let's build a dreadnaught to show our nation is powerful" meme, in fact, seeing so many governments affected by memes and bandwagons, I already lost much of my hope in mankind.

http://www.snappedshot.com/uploads/Parody/slowpoke-pokemon.gif

If you manage to actually lead a truly new "meme" that is not stupid and actually a very ingenious idea, like let's say, what the Germans did with their first assault rifles that "infected" all to build other assault rifles, I will openly offer my apologies, but I guess I am too hopeful that this will motivate people to be less stupid. There is only one fate in modern warfare for battleships, when they are not just reserves for shore bombardment, and only this is the final fate for superdreadnaughts and the billions wasted uselessly in them:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/recent/falklands/images/falklands_3_belgrano.jpg

If you have any replies, hatemails, trojan horses, shock sites links or mailbombs in response to this, send them all at publicrelations@dawnkinsmemes.tee.

Varbola Times
Allanean Steel Penis
article by: Juha Poro
Then speaking about Allanea in polite conversation of gentlemen, it would be usually called "different". On other hand, then speaking about it with few beers in sauna, facade would drop, and most people would call it simply "retarded cesspool". Of course not all is dirt, despite all their weirdness Allaneans atleast is not communist, and has taken very anti-communist stance. But even in that I probably could not get 100% agreement then calling it positive, as some capitalists would consider Allanea to be the black sheep of capitalism due its other problems.

Allanean military has been quite oftenly been noted as being more wasteful than the worse marxists. Also there are clear signs of a desperate need to compensate inferiority complex. I mean, who the hell needs those ridiculously huge Nakil main battle tank stockpiles? There is no practical explanation, from economical point of view, such spending of money is just retarded. Then there is Department of Research, Evolution and Development, also known as DREAD. It is de jure military research agency, but de facto bunch of failures, who pretend to be scientists, and waste government money for shit that every practical person with some common sense knows to have no chance of success. Now they are spearheading a new project, a gigantic floating steel penis, officially classified as Superdreadnaught.

That Superdreadnaught would be more than 1.2 kilometers long, exact size has not been specified yet. But make no mistake, it does not matter, everyone with any knowledge of modern naval combat, would call more than kilometer long ship simply an enormous waste. So no matter if it is 1.2 kilometers, 2 kilometers or 12 kilometers long, its still retarded. There are completely practical reasons why all the major naval powers have abandoned big gun ships. Modern naval combat is fought with aircraft, missiles, and torpedoes. Then facing a competent enemy, superdreadnaught will never get to gun range. Some claim that these ships could be used for coastal bombarding, although statement itsselfly is not very bad, such task could be easily fulfilled by a lot smaller battleship, there is no need for kilometer long ship. Such unpractical giant would also require abnormally large port facilities where it can actualy fit in.

Some would argue that Allaneans are just desperate about possible Doomani invasion. Considering that in this conflict Allanea is on same side with naval superpowers Questers and Praetonia, while navies of Doomanies and their allies are not very notable, such fears are ridiculous. It is just enormous waste of taxpayers money, from what only some lucky shipbuilders will benefit. Probably result of corruption, although simple idiocy cannot be ruled out as possible explanation. The only question that remains, is when the superpenis will sink? Immediately after launching, through torpedoes of a single submarine, or after being bombed into pieces by enemy airforce? No matter how, it will be decisive humiliation to the Allanean military system, which completely deserves it.

[a year later]

Allanea to build SuperDreadnaught
Xenia Reynes, for the Liberty-Times

Today, in apress-conference of the Grover-Landsknecht Shipyards company, company CEO Anton Ragnar Grover has announced that the construction of the 'supredreadnaught' known as Project X will be delayed by seven additional months due to what Mr. Grover has referred to as 'unexpected cost overruns'. As the Congressional funding has not been enough, work on the Project has been temporarily frozen until such a time that Congress approves 150 billion dollars in additional funding for the enormous ship.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v42/allanea/characters/CEO-Credits-C.jpg
Anton Ragnar Grover at the press conference

Mr. Grover denied any allegations that this was due to misappropriations and mismanagement at the Grover-Landsknecht Shipyards offices, and claimed that "the rises in expenditures were due to purely unpredictable market factors". He had, however, refused to comment on the nature of these 'unpredictable factors'.

The Society for Clean Politics has organized a protest at the press-conference, but it was largely ignored both by Mr. Grover and his guards. When inquired about the Society, Mr. Grover responded, in part: "These people are crazy, okay? Totally fucking crazy. I'm not supposed to comment about every fucking wacko that protests my press-conferences. The Mothers Against Gun Violence protest small arms companies – do you expect the company CEO's to come out and talk to them respectfully there, too?"

Our reporters, however, decided to also speak to the Society's representative, one Mr. Archibald S. Bunker. He was a surprisingly well-dressed man, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, black pants, and a brace of ivory-gripped 1911 pistols. He stated, in part:

"This is a disgrace. Why the hell are the taxpayers supposed to pay 650 billion dollars for a giant steel cock? What good does it do to anybody? We could buy a whole navy! I tell you – Congress should investigate these people. They have thirty percent cost overruns already!"

"Anton Grover calls me crazy? No, it's not me who's crazy! It's the damn 150-billion dollar cost overruns, that's what crazy!"

[yet another year later]

SuperDreadnaught to deploy in a month
Xenia Reynes, for the Liberty-Times

We at the Liberty Times are positively surprised – nay, absolutely shocked – at this turn of events. It appears Project X will actually sail in several months. After a total cost of 1.1 trillion dollars – and 110% over the original budget – the first superdreadnaught after many years wherein new ships of this class were not designed will sail into Liberty Harbour in the capital. Naturally, it will not be able to come very close to shore, but at least it will be visible to observers on the Promenade.

The company building the Superdreadnaught, as well as the Congressmen who supported financing this 'project' will of course make a large public event out of this, and hold a press conference on the Promenade as the gigantic 'ship' comes in sight. Yours truly will be there, six months from now, and will report on the event.

The Aaron Burr Promenade was filled with spectators – dozens of thousands of Allaneans and tourists who have arrived to see Project X steam into Liberty-Harbor. Due to its unbelievable draft, the two-trillion-dollar experimental battleship could not come close to shore, not even in Liberty-City – but it would come close enough to be visible on the horizon.

This precisely was what Senator Lionel Johnson was banking on. Even as the ship was still an hour away from entering visible range from the city, the Senator has launched a press-conference on the roof of the Rosenberg Hotel. He ordered expensive cocktails for the journalists and bloggers that would attend, and stood proud on the podium, giving explanations.

Even by foreign standards, Senator Johnson was well-dressed, wearing a pure-white suit, white shoes and white tie. The spirit of the day almost precluded critical questions from the media – his giant project was now ready, and the enormous battleship would steam into harbor within dozens of minutes.

Of course, there were still some questions:

“Senator, what will you name the ship?” - asked Xenia Reynes, the famous Liberty Times editorialist.

The Senator smiled pleasantly. - “Mademoiselle, I cannot help but remember that you have been one of the key opponents of this project in the press. I appreciate this. Any political project needs opponents, if only to point out its flaws and help fix them.”

There was brief applause in the audience, but the Senator continued.

“For the health of our Republic, we must have critics. We must have opponents. Even political enemies, if I might. Without people like Xenia Reynes, there likely would be no Project X – because there would be no freedom. There would be no Allanea.”

Xenia gulped, understanding now what maneuver the Senator had in mind.

“Miss Reynes, I will be honored to have you name and christen the battleship – which, by the way, is entering harbor now.”

Xenia was now well and truly impressed by the genius of the Senator. She realized he had known that the ship would arrive before schedule – and now, she was the instrument of making him seem even more spectacular.

Even she could not help but feel taken in by the sheer majestic beauty of Project X – two kilometers of white, gleaming battleship, rapidly approaching the shore at thirty knots. Even here, a mile away, she seemed simply beautiful. From everywhere came the sound of cheering. Some people in the crowds on the promenade broke into singing the national anthem.

And then came a new sound – the sounds of several successive loud screeching noises, rising swiftly in power as internal bracing inside the supercapital gave way to the forces puling and pushing at it. The screeching and snapping sounds then became a single – and short – roar as the two-kilometer battleship snapped amidships.

There was a deathly silence as the cheering died away, and the crowd turned its eyes to the city.

* * *

It turned out that only several dozen people were killed in the sinking of Project X – most of the skeleton crew was located away from the place of the break, and was able to escape with their skins intact.

The reputation of the Grover-Landsknecht Shipyards was, of course destroyed, but neither Anton Ragnar Grover nor Robert Landsknecht, nor anybody of the company leadership were anywhere to be found. It turned out that they used faulty metals and details in a large part of the supercapital's construction, as well as saved on anything that could be saved on. Between them, they pocketed over three-quarters of the construction budget.

TO: Allanea
FROM: Kindom of Lynion, King Ranakin

I just heard from a source on the ground (Lynion Agent) that your super-dreadnought just sank or is sinking. We're sorry to hear it and hope whoever or whatever caused the sinking will be bought forth and justice will be served. It isn't fair to see a beautiful project sink and we hope the people are bought forward.

If we do come across any suspects that were involved with the sinking of the dreadnought, we'll hand them over to you, personally.

To: Allanea
From: Kingdom of Lynion, King Ranakin.

We have heard in our distance island kingdom that you intend to build a superdreadnought. We applause to your ambition and hope that all goes well for the building of the dreadnought.

One thing I must ask, what's the whole point of having a superdreadnought when its only expensive, takes about a year to commission and will be even more expensive to replace?

OOC: its called male enhancement ;)

^OOC: Ok... odd person.

OOC: Lynion, please avoid posting in my threads in the future. That is all.

The ASoGM might be interested in purchasing both halves of the destroyed hull, for use as part of an anchoring system for our next artificial island project. Please let us know if you are interested in selling, so we can begin the process of adjusting the rest of our project budget.

Senate Hall, 24 hours later

“Generally speaking, Senator, ships are not supposed to split in half and sink on their maiden voyage. And when they split in half and sink on their maiden voyage, something is badly wrong. It means someone screwed up – either DREAD, or the subcontractors, or – quite possibly – you.”

“What?! How dare you imply...”

“On the contrary, Senator, I am not implying anything. I am quite overtly stating this – something went really, really wrong. Even if this nation needs superdreadnoughts – an assertion I, personally, doubt greatly – it certainly doesn't need superdreadnoughts that end up costing triple what a comparable ship costs on the world market and then break up and sink on live television. Either DREAD screwed up, or the shipyards screwed up – which is likely, given the fact the executives jumped ship five minutes after Project X touched bottom – or you did, Senator. Actually, as I think of it, the three are not mutually exclusive.”

“Senator Reynes! This is preposterous!”

“Oh give me a break. Every day I hear you war-junkies yap on about more hardware. More guns. More ships. More bombers. More game consoles. Even President Kazansky – who is not exactly a peace dove himself – opposes this.You've saddled the public with a government which eats 23% of the Gross Domestic Product! It's actually bigger now than the Federal Government in Old America was at the opening of the 21st century! Contemplate the level of your corruption, people!”

“Senator Reynes!”

“Look, had you not been blessed with a fair system of taxation, and had you not wisely restrained this government to the boundaries of our Constitution, we would be getting shot in the streets now! But let me tell you, the Allaneans will not stand for this forever! The Allaneans are Freemen! And they will set you all out on your fat, lazy, socialist bums!”

“SENATOR REYNES!”

“And you know what? This rebellion starts right here! I call, now, for the establishment of a Special Senate Inquiry Committee to deal with the disaster of Project X! I will clear out these Augean Stalls, Senators, and I will start RIGHT HERE!”

Liberty Harbor, 200 meters above the surface, two days later

The blazing-orange UH-1 circled the wreck. The side door was open, and Director Rejiro Techno was seated in the door gunner's position, strapped in by a five-point safety harness – the flight was not just an inspection of the ruined superdreadnaught, but also part of the testing process for the Mark 57 Mod C Experimental Safety Belt. The Mod B bought it on exactly such a test flight, causing a Deputy Director to flop out of a flying helicopter, and into the sands of San-Nereiana, breaking his right leg. The Mod C seemed, so far, to be more resilient.

Techno pointed towards the wreckage. “It seems it gave way somewhere between Section D-2 and D-3, right?”

"We don't know, yet, Director.” - one of the design team members said. - “We'll know when the divers come back with their photos.”

"Fucking great.” - the Director swore. - “When will they come back?”

He did not have to scream to be heard. Everybody on board wore electronic earphones – filtering out the engine noise, but allowing the voices of the engineers to be heard.

"No idea, Sir. Well, the divers will get on the surface in a few hours, but it'll take several more dives to figure out what went wrong.”

"Damn. Pilot! Turn us around! We're leaving.”

As the helicopter dropped altitude and began a long, tiring flight over the roofs of Liberty-City, Techno continued. “Guys, I think we've been had.”

"What do you mean, Sir?”

"Well, consider. Project X worked in scale models – both the Scale A and Scale B ones. It worked in simulations. Even when we ran stress tests on the sample components that the shipyard showed us, they worked. Which means... what?”

"That our design was good?”

"Right. But the shipyards screwed us. And I think the politicians screwed us, too.”

The ASoGM would again like to remind the Allanean government of our offer to buy the two halves of the wrecked hull, for peaceful purposes. If you are interested, you may contact our Minister of Importation, Thomas Grebaldy.