NationStates Jolt Archive

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Kent, Akimonad - Dr. Jules Hodz, Lord Protector and autocrat of Akimonad, announced that Akimonad would hold its first election in over 9000 years.

The Lord Protector said he has allowed elections to "give the people a sense of purpose".

So far, the only candidates are the Lord Protector and his aloe vera plant.

Dr. Jules Hodz
Portrait: Link (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b4/Kenneth_W._Starr.jpg)
Age: 54
Gender: Male
Occupation: Incumbent Lord Protector
Education: Doctorate in Political Science from University of Canvatica
Platform: Kick arse, take names, destroy communism, support Nukewealth, stronger ties with New Pictavia and other allies.
Prevailing ideology: Conservative/Capitalism

Aloe V. Era
Portrait: Link (http://seeds.thompson-morgan.com/pix/m/seeds/2/2753.jpg)
Age: Undetermined
Gender: Bisexual
Occupation: Potted plant
Education: None
Platform: No answer
Prevailing ideology: Communism/Anarchism/Environmentalism/Softer skin

[OOC: In honor of all the lulzy election threads on II.]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y154/Retro_1989/CPQP.png
High Encryption (Secure Channel)
To: Aloe V. Era, The Federated Autocratic Empire of Akimonad
Subject: Elections
Date: 8 May MMVIII

Yo, man. I love Yukka plants, and stuff. In fact, I happen to be at the Pictish embassy right now with like, a cactus, or something... You should come and check it out, it's like, totally rad...

Soft regards,

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y154/Retro_1989/Finnsig.png

Beck Finn, IP (Imperial Parliamentarian),
Councillor of Surfing, babes and awesome.

[OOC: Infinite lulz XD]

Aloe V. Era would like it to be known that he is accepting donations for his campaign! His current campaign fund balance is $3.63 and a cap from a bottle of Perrier.

Please send donations to:
Aloe V. Era Campaign
Lord Protector's Kitchen Counter
11831 Government Way
Kent, Akimonad 29717

Message from A crazy hippie in CM.
We would like to donate $10 and a half-eaten chocolate bar to your campaign. Oh, and this bag of weed, I heard it was poisened or something, but y'know, whatever.

I love you Aloe V. Era! Smoke some more!

Your donation is graciously accepted. Mr. V. Era plans to store the weed "in between his foliage".

A telephone, conveniently placed next to the Yukka begins to ring, and ring, and ring. Surprisingly, the Yukka does not pick up, perhaps conscious of security when facing up to the mighty Hodz who is blatantly jealous of the plant's ability to photosynthesize. Obviously.

Soon the message tone rings, and is a voice follows:

"Greetings! I am a friend from the extremely unsupported extreme church of Terra, advocating that plant-life are the rightful rulers of this earth! I would like to congratulate you on your candidacy, and confirm that at this moment we have raised and wired the grand sum of twenty-one dollars and fifteen cents after days of hanging around the street singing Kumbaya! Hopefully you can put this to good use and-"

A thumping begins at what is presumably the door of the caller's home/office/phonebox, most likely to be all three, followed by a bang and several muffled shouts,

"Ack, get yer- don't ruin the vibes... Government scum!"

Then the dialling tone sounds.

Fortunately, all of Mr. V. Era's personal calls were routed away from the jealous grasp of Dr. Hodz.

Instead, they were linked to his campaign office in the basement of the Kent Newswire offices. A man named Yuri was the campaign manager. He would have taken the call but could not be distracted from his psychedelic LSD paper.

Once Yuri had finished pretending he was Mother Teresa and Madonna, he checked the voicemail. To his surprise, an underground faction from New Pictavia had left a message.

"...we have raised and wired the grand sum of twenty-one dollars and fifteen cents..."

Yuri was quite surprised. Logging on to the prehistoric Dell computer dating back to 1998, he got on the internet and checked the bank account. Sure enough, $20.15 had been deposited.

Yuri grabbed for the nearest piece of suitable parchment, which just happened to be a sheet of LSD paper. He scribbled out a thank you note and enclosed it in an envelope, affixing a stamp, albeit upside-down. Walking upstairs (which he had great diffuiculty doing) to the lobby and opening the "Outgoing Mail" box (which he had even greater difficulty; that damn handle needs to stay in one place), he placed the letter in the mail.

Afterwards he shuffled back downstairs, largely unnoticed by the patrons of the Newswire offices.

Bump. Mr. V. Era needs donations.

A geek, weeks in a basement without sunlight, browsing through obscure message boards and imageboards of the Internets, found about the news. Soon he decided to send a message, as an anonymous individual behind more than 7 proxies.

FROM: Anonymous
TO: Dr. Jules Hodz
SUBJECT: ELECTION NEEDS MOAR

You forgot about the Random and Mudkip Loving Parties, so maybe you should add these candidates to your roster as well.

DESU~
Portrait: Link (http://sukebe.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/desudesu5.jpg)
Age: As old as the internets
Gender: Lolwut?
Occupation: Internets Meme
Education: DESU?
Platform: rule number 1
Prevailing ideology: LULZ

Mudkip
Portrait: Link (http://a1.vox.com/6a00c2251d3be0604a00d4141e9549685e-500pi)
Age: 7
Gender: Does it matter?
Occupation: Pet
Education: ...
Platform: so I herd u liek mudkips
Prevailing ideology: Mudkipping

Yuri had, during one of his escapades with hallucinogenics, discovered that he had missed a message. Specifically, it was a message inviting the Aloe plant to the Pictish embassy.

Somehow managing to grasp the importance of the request, Yuri was able to obtain (illegally) the Aloe plant from Dr. Hodz's counter and abscond with it.

The Aloe plant in its pot and carefully in his grip, Yuri strolled into the Pictish embassy.

"I'm lookin fer misser finn" he said in a rather slurred voice to the reception desk in general.

Two guardsmen stood at either side of the gates to the embassy, neither looking at the rather dishevelled man and his plant who approached so haphazardly.

"I'm lookin fer misser finn"

One of the guards; Fletcher, noticed that the newcomer's eyes were half-closed and he had began to dribble somewhat. He glanced at Yuri, then returned his stalwart stare to the menacing street before him, which was filled with all sorts of parked cars and trees.

"Yes" he replied slowly, and rather suspiciously, "Yes, I suppose you are"

Fletcher held his fist in the air, at which point the electric gate began to whir to life as it retracted. Once the gate was open, the other guard began to struggle to stow a fit of giggles. Fletcher himself appeared to be fighting a most determined smile,

"Please- err- please ring the 'doorbell'- at the door, sir"

he managed to spurt out before locking his mouth shut...

Yuri proceeded through the gate and looked for a doorbell. After about ten minutes of furious searching, he finally located the doorbell (surprisingly, it had the ability to crawl around and evade).

Yuri pressed the button and held it in.

The doorbell rang, and rang, and continued to ring. One may presume yuri's funtoxicated mind had neglected to inform his finger to release the button. In an anticlimax, nothing happened. Yuri simply stood there for some time, until suddenly a puff of pink perfume shot out of the bell straight into the poor man's face. He began to stumble somewhat, well, somewhat more than usual, his eyes no-doubt burning. Then when it was truly unexpected, a comedy boxing glove shot out of a compartment in the door and sucker punched our hero in his big, soft face.

With Mr. A.Vera's escort eliminated, the door opened and the candidate was allowed in while Fletcher unsuccessfully attempted to drag Yuri into a bush. He didn't have any booze on him, so he proceeded to empty a super-slushy on him instead.

"Yo, Aloe, how's it hanging? Welcome to this, like, embassy man. Come upstairs" invited Councillor Finn.

[OOC: Fuck knows how you RP an inanimate object XD]

Mr. V. Era placed himself into the hands of Mr. Finn and proceeded upstairs by Mr. Finn's locomotion.

OOC: Who has made Kirav literally roll on the floor laughing today?

Picts 1 Aki 1 John Stewart 2

Funny as hell, Aki!
IC:

Emperor Seawind was discussing the draft of a charter for a new Kiravian colony with Praetor Candlea when a page ran in with the report.

"Emperor, the Akimonadi are holding elections!"

Seawind took off his glasses and looked at the page skeptically, "Are you sure? The last time they had an election, the map of Kirav still had dragons on the West Coast."

"Well, Sèr, Dr. Hodz is running against a plant."

"What the fuck?" said Candlea politely.

"Let me see," said the Emperor. He looked over the report, and then laughed. "Forward this to Redwood. God, I love government."

"They can't be serious!" exclaimed the Praetor.

"Thenris, this is a strange world. Now, let's get down to buisness. Page, tell Redwood that we're endorsing the aloe."

"With all due respect, Sèr, you..."

"Thenris, in this job, you've got to take advantage of the funny monments."

--

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Kiravian Empire

Permissum Astrum Subleuco

Imperial Secriat of State

Foreign Government Office

Let it be known that the Kiravian Empire officially endorses Sèr Aloe V. Era in this election. It is widely believed in our nation that the Akimonadi government needs to put more focus on green ideologies, and that the country in general ought to turn over a new leaf. We officially donate 3 kilae (0.003 saars), and 300 bags of MiracleGro to his campaign. Additionally, we are willing to offer the services of our finest horticultural experts as Sèr Era's image consultants.

May the best plant win.

OOC: Who has made Kirav literally roll on the floor laughing today?

Picts 1 Aki 1 John Stewart 2

Funny as hell, Aki!

FOILED AGAIN! DAMN YOU, STEWART!

Yuri can't take your donation at present, as he's out cold on the doorstep of the Pictish embassy.

President Fernanda sighed as he tried to sort the large pages set on his desk.

"Hey Debbie, what did you say this thing was?"

"A newspaper, Mr. President," answered his executive secretary.

"Heh," interjected the president as he lighted upon a sidebar on page D-47. "Akimonad's holding 'elections'! Looks like Jules Hodz is being challenged by the Greens in his bid for another term."

"That's not the Green Party, Mr. President," said Debbie, reading over Fernanda's shoulder. "That's an actual green."

"What, that's a plant? Ha! I'd laugh my ass off if Hodz actually lost. Like when Mr. Burns chose an inanimate carbon rod over Homer for Employee of the Week. That's funny, right?"

"I'm laughing on the inside, Mr. President."

"Whatever. Send money to this Mr. V. Era dude, and see if I can't be illegally registered to vote in Aki."

"I'll book you on the next flight to Kent, sir," Debbie said dryly before retreating to her desk in the lobby.

Lol. I think you're tied now.

Picts 1 Aki 2 Stewart 2

IC:

We are terribly sorry to hear of Yuri's accident. We shall have our Ambassador relay our donation to him, though we request permission to transport wheelbarrows to our Embassy for this purpose.

Councillor Finn 'led' his guest upstairs to the Embassy's main office, and placed Mr. Vera on a desk by an open window. Beck then sat across the room with his feet resting on another desk and his hands behind his head. He rolled up a fag (that's a cigarette, not a homosexual) and placed it behind his ear, looked around a bit, then suddenly caught sight of the plant.

"Ah, Mr.Vera, I didn't see you there! I'm totally stoked you've joined us today, man. Can I offer you a drink at all? Yes? Just water? No problem."

Beck lept to his feet and moved over to the minibar, where he filled a watering can full of vodka and herbicide. He then proceeded to 'water' Mr.Vera with it before returning to his own desk.

"Woah, dude, you don't look so good, perhaps you should take a... umm... fuck it"

After failing to remember the punchline, Beck hit a button underneath his desk and suddenly a trap door opened in the middle of the room several meters from the candidate. The plant dripped a little. Councillor Finn looked somewhat disappointed, and instead got up and pulled an ornate bow and arrow off of the wall. He flipped out his lighter and lit an oil soaked rag round the neck of the arrow, drew it, and fired it with a ping. The arrow plunged into Mr.Vera's soil causing the rather distressed plant to erupt in flames. Satisfied, Beck replaced the weapon and picked up a baseball-bat from the corner of the room, which he weighed in his hands for a moment. Then, he pulled back and swung at the plant which exploded out of the embassy's window in a fiery/soily mess, and scattered depressingly on the patio below.

"YEAH BOI!" Screamed our most esteemed councillor, who then returned to his desk and grabbed a piece of paper which he scribbled "Dr.Hodz, it is done" on. Beck then went downstairs, outside and out onto the street where he grabbed a startled pigeon and tied the note to it's leg. He threw it in the air, smiled at the day's accomplishments and lit up his rolley.

"Woah, man" he mutters to himself "I'm hawt."

Picts 2 Aki 2 Stewart 2

Mr. V. Era, brightly illuminated by the fire immolating his foliage, and slowing dying thanks to the herbicide, faced another problem. He was flying. Out of a window.

Fortunately, Yuri was on his feet, thanks largely to the 700 grams of caffeine in his body.

He sped over to the window and stood there for a few seconds.

As Mr. V. Era sped towards the ground, he found himself in the comforting but rather dirty and, perhaps, drug-tainted hands of Yuri.

However, their trouble was not over. Mr. V. Era was still largely on fire. Yuri was oblivious to this fact for a moment or two, as he pulled out a small bottle of vodka and sipped.

Somehow, through his hazy mind, he realized the presence of fire and -- unfortunately for Mr. V. Era -- dropped his bottle of vodka into the aloe plant's pot, accelerating the small inferno.

The only thing he could do at this point was panic. Which he did.

Yuri ran in circles, holding a flaming pot with a presidential candidate in, and screamed like Tarzan.

OOC: seeing as I have an election coming up i think we may hire a few "specailist" from Akimonad

I lol'd at this whole thing.

Official Message from the Anarcho-Communist Party of Yanitaria:

To Mister Era:

We would like to donate a bottle of high quality, natural, Yanitarian made fertilizer, straight from the best cows in our country. Make us proud!

Sincerely,
Leonard O. R. Travis.

OOC: Props to who ever guesses the meaning of the name. Blood Money, anyone?

Fletcher was somewhat stunned at the sight of a drug induced lunatic running around in circles on fire, holding an Aloe out in front of him. His military training dictated that he should draw his sidearm whenever he was surprised, and both Fletch and his partner levelled their pistols with the man's chest. However a humanitarian beacon (except not that bright, a bit more like an ordinary bulb. Maybe one of those energy-saving ones that takes a while to light up) flickered to life in our young guard's mind that said "No, we shouldn't shoot this gentlemen in the face, he may still contribute to society. Like cure cancer in some sort of intoxicated coincidence. Shooting doesn't fix everything". Meanwhile, Yuri's screams had now degenerated into that of a little girl as fletcher ran for the garden hose and began to douse the flames. Yuri quietened down, licked his lips, then curled up in a corner and nodded off. He was seemingly far less agitated what with not being on fire anymore and all. Nevertheless, a very sorry looking Aloe sat on the slightly scorched grass. Fletch redrew his firearm and pointed it at the beast,

"You Sir, are under arrest for singeing the Imperial lawn. Any-"

Fletch would've finished but one of Mr. V. Era's crispy leaves fell off onto the ground,

"HE'S GOING FOR A GUN!"

Both guards then fired their weapons as quickly as they could, with their eyes shut-tight and their heads turned away from the menace. Soon, a 'click-click-click' marked the ends of their magazines and Fletch dared to open one eye. The Aloe still sat their, the ground and fence surrounding it somewhat decimated from the gunfire. Another leave fell to the ground. Fletch threw his pistol at the plant, missed, and sighed.

"Just get the cuffs, mate, we're taking him in"