NationStates Jolt Archive

1 April 2008

Evan Farrell, Deputy Under-Minister of Foreign Affairs for International Protocol, Brat and Punk Division, had a new boss. His old boss, the former Under-Minister, had been appointed Ambassador to Magdha. Farrell was a young man, 23 years old and a fresh graduate of Kahanistan National University with a master's in political science who aspired to climb the political ladder and become President one day. Right now, though, he was drunk, bored, and the floozies he cavorted with on the Internet during his spare time in the office weren't satisfying him any more. He decided to do something that would arouse international attention. In his drunken state, fueled by cocaine and vodka, he actually thought this was a good idea.

Official Statement of the Free Republic of Kahanistan

As you all know, Kahanistan was founded many, many decades ago, originally in the Middle East, by righteous Jewish patriots (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kahanism) who realised that the Muslim presence in their territory was a ticking time bomb.

Over the years, we have edged away from that practice, calling it racist. We now have roughly fifty million Muslim filth in our country, almost fifteen percent of the population. These vile beings have brought the wrath of G-d upon our fine nation, making it vulnerable to attacks by their allies the sons of Amalek and making our magnificent society of Jews and righteous Gentiles impure. Any nation that raises its hand against the Jewish people becomes part of the Nation of Amalek and must be destroyed.

Therefore, I am issuing an ultimatum. All Muslim filth in Kahanistan must register with the government to be expelled within thirty days. Those who defy this edict will be declared slaves of the state and sold abroad. Those who resist arrest will be shot and buried with pigs.

Evan Farrell,
Deputy Under-Minister of Foreign Affairs for International Protocol,
Brat and Punk Division

[OOC: Expecting loads of righteous condemnation, no invasions or anything.]

It was no secret that the Skgorrian people had never been particularly tolerant of anything that wasn't Skgorrian, Atopian, fascist, national socialist or strongly authoritarian so when the news of the Kahanistani explusion of Muslims reached the Empire of the Wolf it was greeted with much surprise, given the recent move by the Kahanistani government to allow unrestricted immigration which some dissafected citzens of the Wolf had taken advantage of. Despite there being no official procolmation or comment from the Wolven Throne, His Paw or even the Imperial Parliament, people on the streets recieved it well. Overall the opinion of Kahanistan by the Skgorrians actually imrpoved, and pro-Kahanistani posts were a common feature on internet forums.

While the Axis Novan government makes no official response to the Kahanistani announcement, the unofficial reaction can best be described as... distaste. Comparison are made to the intolerant policies of various APOC nations on various places on the Internet, and a number of Youtube videos mocking Kahanistna's communist society with the "some are more equal than others" argument start to pop up.

On the economic front, two Axis Novan companies with Muslim CEOs quietly begin preparations to withdraw their business.

The government of Vojvodina-Nihon strongly condemns this distasteful and racist act. To indicate our displeasure, we have deployed a thousand nuclear missiles towards Kahanistan. However, time still remains before the missiles strike and unleash havoc and devastation; simply open negotiations with us, through our official website (http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI), and should peace accords be completed we will call off our nuclear strike.

Whilst the statement itself was released worldwide in various human languages, it took much time to translate it into Goblin, in which much of the references to Islam and Allah was translated into the Goblin belief in the Moon God, for goblins it was difficult to understand human religious intolerance, they had only one religion and found it difficult to contemplate why humans would feel the need to make so many.

Needless to say, the broadcast, condeming Goblin faith was seen as shocking, communication between humans and goblins had not reached the point of religious intolerance, just racial, unsure how to react, the goblins took their first truly human step in well over ten millenia, they got overly defensive about their faith

Goblin Communication to Kahanistan

Thees not good fur you, religion eez important een Goblin society, wez demand an apology, and be than'ful ee taint nothin' more.

His Majesty's Office for the Protectorates

http://www.number10.gov.uk/files/images/Crest.jpg

His Majesty wishes to express His disgust at the recent change in citizenship policy of the Crown Protectorate of Kahanistan, but in accordance with the Treaty of Masada no longer has the power to refuse assent to the legislation which brought it about. His Majesty wishes to remind all Kahanistani muslims that they have a permanent right of abode in Praetonia where they will be treated as equals before the law under the Bill of Rights 1701. A number of ships will be chartered at His Majesty's expense for the purposes of transporting those persons who wish to travel to Praetonia, or whose other alternative would be slavery in Kahanistan, to the Crown Commonwealth.

His Majesty does not intend to see a single slave held within His Realm, possessions or Protectorates.

His Majesty further reminds the international community that, while disparaging the present route that Kahanistan's internal policy has taken, His Guarantee of Sovereignty extended to Kahanistan reminds binding in accordance with the law, and attacks on Kahanistan shall be considered attacks upon His Majesty and the Crown Commonwealth.

His Majesty welcomes the peaceful attempts of some states to remove aggrieved persons from Kahanistan, and encourages those states that would take violent action to prefer such a route.

Official Clandonian Response
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v338/madnukedude/clandoniansmallflag.png
Open Declaration:

His Majesty's Government as part of its obligation under the Haversham Treaty strongly condemns the government of Vojvodina-Nihon with its threat to launch nuclear strikes against Kahanistan where Clandonia claims several economic dependent and sovereign basings. Any nuclear strike would be taken as a attack on the Imperial Crown Kingdom and her APOC allies and thus the appropriate steps of retaliation will be taken upon Vojvodina-Nihon. His Majesty's Government believes in state sovereignty on the directives of national law and religious legislation.


God Save the King


Sir Alan Philips
Minister for Foreign and Commonwealth

The government of Vojvodina-Nihon assures Clandonia Prime that the nuclear missiles are specially programmed to avoid hitting Clandonian property, to the degree that a Clandonian national at the blast epicenter of a nuclear warhead will suffer no ill effects while all else around him/her will be utterly obliterated. In addition, the electromagnetic pulse from the nuclear blast has been programmed to only affect Kahanistani electronics; Clandonian electronics and, indeed, Clandonian data and assets contained on Kahanistani computers, or Kahanistani electronics owned by Clandonian nationals, will not suffer from the EMP.

Hey, former Kahanistany residents.
We'll take you in as long as you do your fair share, abide by our social contract(much as it is) and DO NOT PROSTYLIZE. Also, if any of you have Dictionaries. WE NEED THEM .

Message from the Emperor
TO: Leadership of Vojvodina-Nihon
FROM: His Majesty By the Grace of the Gods Emperor Conrad II
RE: Nuclear strikes?

Not only as an ally of Praetonia and Clandonia, but also as a sovereign who understands right from wrong on the international stage, I condemn your threat of nuclear attack on the nation of Kahanistan. You have absolutely no right to threaten such action against a nation that has done absolutely no wrong to your nation. If you initiate any attack on Kahanistan there will be retaliation. I hope you do not make this nonissue into a real issue.

http://www.maj.com/gallery/Humhum/lolz/kaiser_konrad_ii_profile.png
SIGNED,
By the Grace of the Gods His Imperial Majesty Emperor Conrad II
Emperor of Zukariaa
Emperor of Shansekia
Emperor of Arterusia
King of Aiur
Duke of Taradoxica
Baron of Kahserbirg
Head of the House of Hüron
Head Monk of the Zukariaan Temple
42nd Sovereign Ruler of Zukariaa
Licenced Barber

OOC-My image hoster doesn't seem to be working, but there should be a picture of Conrad attached to that signature. :|

OFFICIAL IMPERIAL STATEMENT


It is unsurprising that nations have taken an interest in the recent decision by Kahanistan's government to expel all Muslims from that nation; after all, Kahanistan has a reputation for being rather a left-wing nation, one that is rightly earned. Stereotypes, after all, are based in fact. This decision seems rather incongruous, then, and indeed foolish; is it wise to expel on elitist grounds fifteen percent of the nation's workforce? Is it wise to offend the Praetonians that are a cornerstone of Kahanistani prosperity and security?

These questions are mildly entertaining, but to those who purpose aggression towards Kahanistan, the answers are irrelevant. Kahanistan lies under the protective umbrella of the Kregaian Imperium as well as Praetonia and Clandonia, and if any nation dares harm the Emperor's subjects or damage their property, that nation will face the deadly fury of the Iron Throne. You have been warned.

Signed,
Abram Vidann, Minister of Foreign Affairs

Her Majesty Queen Parvati condemns the expulsion of Muslims from Kahanistan, and also the nuclear threat from Vajvodina-Nihon.
Jindal will open its doors to ten percent of the Kahanistani refugees to settle in the Shankhar Islands off the coast of the Jindali Mainland. They will be expected to swear loyalty oaths to the Queen, be involved in steady work, and learn Jindali.

Her Majesty Rani Parvati XVIII
Queen of Jinnu and Daljapor
Shining Light of the Jindali people

The president read the report on Kahanistans expelling of muslims. He felt both disgust and intrigue. 50 million people up for grabs. It gave him an idea. What if they took the able bodied men and constructed a special division of the army? It was an interesting proposal. He typed up the official message to Kahanistan.


This act disgusts us. All of our diplomatic ties with your country will be cut off. In addition, we will be sending very large convoys of trucks to your border to round up any muslim men willing to join our military... and any muslim women willing to join our workforce. Oh and I suppose we'll take the children too... if we have too...

Signed,
Erikk Svalbard
President, Logan and Ky

Zukariaa;13575100']Message from the Emperor
TO: Leadership of Vojvodina-Nihon
FROM: His Majesty By the Grace of the Gods Emperor Conrad II
RE: Nuclear strikes?

Not only as an ally of Praetonia and Clandonia, but also as a sovereign who understands right from wrong on the international stage, I condemn your threat of nuclear attack on the nation of Kahanistan. You have absolutely no right to threaten such action against a nation that has done absolutely no wrong to your nation. If you initiate any attack on Kahanistan there will be retaliation. I hope you do not make this nonissue into a real issue.

http://www.maj.com/gallery/Humhum/lolz/kaiser_konrad_ii_profile.png
SIGNED,
By the Grace of the Gods His Imperial Majesty Emperor Conrad II
Emperor of Zukariaa
Emperor of Shansekia
Emperor of Arterusia
King of Aiur
Duke of Taradoxica
Baron of Kahserbirg
Head of the House of Hüron
Head Monk of the Zukariaan Temple
42nd Sovereign Ruler of Zukariaa
Licenced Barber

OOC-My image hoster doesn't seem to be working, but there should be a picture of Conrad attached to that signature. :|

Fools! Do you not realize that my nuclear missiles are still in the air? But the touch of a button is required to alter their ultimate destination from Kahanistan to Zukariaa, and destroy your entire nation! MWA HA HA HA! So do not trifle with the great Vojvodina-Nihon!

Now if you'll excuse me, my aide seems to desire something of me.

.... what?

... oh, ok, fine.

Bah! You're just upset because you visited our "official government website." Well, we agree that our nuclear missiles will, instead of actually hitting Kahanistan, merely screech perilously out of the atmosphere, descending quickly towards their destinations with so much power that the people below fear for their lives; seconds before touching the ground, the missiles will halt in midair, where a disembodied voice will say, "Fooled you that time, didn't we?". Finally, the missiles will reverse their trajectory and return to Vojvodina-Nihonian missile silos.

The footfalls thundered toward Mr. Farrell's office. Dragomir Karovic, Minister of Foreign Affairs and about three ranks higher than him, threw the door open angrily. He was furious. Kahanistan's international reputation had been ruined because of a sick April Fool's joke. All the effort Kahanistan had put into showing it was not a belligerent, aggressive nation - even deliberately adopting an inferior tactical posture in Haven, baring its throat to the wolf, so to speak, all the millions dead... all for nothing if he couldn't clean up this damned mess.

"Mr. Farrell," said Karovic, his imposing frame leering down at the timid young man behind the desk, "do you have any idea - any idea at all - what you have done to our international image?"

The Deputy Under-Minister of Foreign Affairs for International Protocol, Brat and Punk Division, quaked in his chair as the Foreign Minister railed at him. "No... sir. It was just an April Fool's joke."

"Idiot!" bellowed the Minister. "An April Fool's joke on official government stationery, that demolished our reputation, insulted fifty million of our citizens, and threatened the very thing that makes us superior to Doomingsland - our religious tolerance!" He lowered his voice from booming to merely loud and angry.

"The Skgorrian Nazis actually like us. The Axis Novans make fun of us. If not for our nuclear shield and those of the Praetonians and Kregaians, the Vojvodina-Nihonians would have nuked us. Need I remind you what happened last time we were nuked?" Karovic took a deep breath and continued his rant.

"The Praetonians have condemned us, Logan and Ky - which we have a very high opinion of after standing up to Kroando - has severed all relations. The Zukaarians have, of course, shown their true colours - when we were a democracy they attacked without provocation, and now that we're on the world's shit list they're stopping short of inviting us into APOC. I want this damned mess cleaned up, and if you want a snowball's chance in hell of keeping your job, I want you to apologise on international television for this... outrage, and tell the world that we are a peaceful society."

Farrell nodded his head timidly. He got to work on his official apology. Karovic would have to inform the President when she got back from some ball in Mokastana. Why do I have to be the one to clean up all of Kahanistan's messes? He got on his computer and invited the nations that had condemned his nation to meet with him in New Masada, the capital of Kahanistan. Why does this shit always have to happen to me?

"This move by the government of Kahanistan is a total insult to Muslims worldwide. How can they call themselves a "Free Republic" when you are not free to embrace Allah and his prophet Muhammad? This is blasphemy... an afront to freedom! And there should be no surprise when I give an executive order to cease all trade that might exist between our two nations. I wish it to be known that our muslim brothers are welcome to migrate to Hallad -- a nation which is vastly muslim itself. Let it be known that in Hallad, the Zionists-Fascist alliance has no control over the government or the people. Hallad is a nation of Islam and welcomes its muslim brothers with open arms."

Premier Hasan Ahmed Muhammad
The Arab Worker's Republic of Hallad

OOC: Yay for misunderstandings! :P

[OOC: Yes, I did want to do something for April Fool's day and figured a prank with international consequences seemed like a good idea. It seems I started a fad, too - there were a couple other threads including nations' "returns to her roots."]

IC:

Karovic spent the next twelve hours making angry phone calls to international television stations with outlets in Kahanistan, working on an explanation he would send to the world, and trying to contact President Sklenova, who he found was in Faxanavia - he'd gotten the location of the ball wrong.

Official Statement of the Free Republic of Kahanistan

Our government and those nations that have condemned us have been the victims of a churlish and disgusting prank by a low-ranking bureaucrat with access to official government stationery.

The Government of Kahanistan wishes to assure its citizenry and the international community that it values its Islamic population as an integral part of our multicultural society. Our Constitution grants absolute freedom of religion and association, and there is no movement with significant strength that would change that with the exception of the Anti-Catholic Party. Furthermore, it prohibits slavery in all its forms and we are a signatory to the Second Theeb Accords.

The offending bureaucrat has been properly disciplined. He will issue a formal apology on international television which will be broadcasted to the world. It is my hope that this experience causes him to understand the consequences of his drunken and juvenile actions.

Signed,
Dragomir Karovic,
Minister of Foreign Affairs

---

Evan Farrell was very nervous. He had spent most of his career sitting behind a desk, occasionally helping smooth over tensions when some Kahanistanian teenager ran up huge collect call bills on international prank calls. He had never spoken before a crowd, let alone before trillions on international television.

The young man dressed in a formal three-piece suit looked like a convict who had just been sentenced to life in a pound-me-in-the-ass federal prison. He shook uncontrollably and had apparently been taking Valiums to stop him from breaking into tears on the air.

"And, you're on the air, Mr. Farrell, in five, four, three, two... now."

Farrell read from a prepared speech. Karovic had helped him prepare it, with the aid of one of his aides from another department.

"People of... Kahanistan, people of the world," said Farrell. His voice shook, as if he would rather be doing anything else. He seemed humiliated and broken. "I want to... apologise to the international... community for a... childish prank that I played for April Fool's Day. I claimed that... the government was going to... forcibly expel or... enslave fifty million people solely for their religious beliefs. I brought my... country into disrepute. I placed... millions of my compatriots in... mortal danger, caused tens of thousands to flee, and damaged our relations with... friendly foreign powers."

"I insulted the entire Islamic Ummah. I want to apologise to the world Islamic community for the effect my prank has had on them. I don't think Muslims are filth. I don't believe they are... part of the Nation of Amalek. I do not believe that they brought... the wrath of God on our nation. I don't think... they're a global threat... to the Jewish people. I'm not even Jewish. I portrayed Jews as xenophobic religious bigots." He broke down in tears. "I... want the world to know I'm... sorry for pulling this, I didn't... know a drunken prank could have these consequences..."

The president couldnt help but laugh hysterically when he got word of the mistake by Kahanistan. After recomposing himself he got back to his desk and began writing his message...

Logan and Ky is hereby re-establishing diplomatic ties with Kahanistan. We hope that the individual who created this disaster is properly punished for his idiocy.

Signed,
Erikk Svalbard
President, Logan and Ky

Imperial Diplomatic Communication

Mr. Farrell is a lucky man. Had he been in the employ of the Imperial Federated States when he pulled this...prank, he would be standing before a brick wall by now.

Having said that, it gave the Empress a laugh, which is always good as she is not humored often enough lately. We urge the Kahanistanian government and Mr. Farrell's people not to be too harsh, as the man was most likely drunk and in less than prime condition.

Having said that, we want to urge his government also tp discipline him for allowing himself to be in such a condition while at work.

~ Imperial Diplomatic Representative John Garrett