NationStates Jolt Archive

Phoenix Dynamix confirmed today that at least $1 million has in fact been poured into the development of a new, revolutionary combat capable field toilet. The project is actually classified so details are not yet readily available, but we do know that both artillery and aircraft based delivery of this toilet is a goal of development program. The program began in mid 2007 and has produced several concepts and prototypes. The final product is expected to be delivered this quarter.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v35/jedierrant/bardgun.jpg

From the Desk of the CEO for the Bard Gun Company
To CEO for Pheonix Dynamix

Dear Sir or Madam,

It is a distinct honor to encounter another leader in the much over looked field of novelty arms. I must say, that while the rest of the world's 'practical weapons manufacturers' scoff upon our designs and cleverness, it is a pleasure to see another firm such as my own nobling plodding on against the current of dissent and narrow-mindedness. Your press release has excited us here at BGC and we would love to observe and perhaps participate in the trial testing of your Combat Capable Field Toilet. I dear say that even we have never considered the unexplored potential of air or artillerly launched field toilets.

Please, please, send me answer at your soonest convience.

From the heart and mind,
Andy Bard
CEO for the Bard Gun Company

To: Andy Bard, CEO, Bard Gun Company
From:FM Maximus Seville III, CEO Phoenix Dynamix
We would be glad to invite you to view the first field testing of the system which is scheduled to begin soon. If you wish to view the testing, please send a delegation of no more than 5 persons and each person must be issued a 24 hour visa. For security reasons regarding the location of the test site, no video equipment will be permitted to operate until the time of the actual test and all portable GPS devices will be jammed. If you agree to those terms, I suggest you secure a flight with any international carrier which has established relations and flyover rights(eg. has an embassy in TPM) with The Phoenix Milita and land at Phoenix International Airport as soon as possible. Phoenix Dynamix personnel will escort you from the airport to view the testing. You will meet with Mr. Donald Walser, Chief Project Manager: XMT-355 Program; at Phoenix Dynamix's Midwestern proving grounds at 1500 local time on 22 February 2008(5122). Transportation between Phoenix International and the proving grounds will be provided by Phoenix Dynamix. Some accommodations providing for rest and refreshment will be available at both the airport and the proving grounds.

The People's House
One Catawaba Plaza
Graceland, Catawaba

Alpha Miraade Errant blinked at the communique in front of him. Errant glanced up at a thuroughly excited Andy Bard. The CEO of Bard Gun Company was nearly jumping from foot to foot while he awaited his head of State's opinion on the matter. "Andy...my God...this is insane..."

Bard was not deterred at all by the Miraade's exasperated reply to announcement of Pheonix Dynamix's Combat Capable Field Toilet. "But, sir, you just don't see the genius, the sheer genius of the idea! You could potentially disguise the CCFT's launcher underground! Place it away from camp for obvious hygeny and backblast requirements...and any attacks on a camp would most likely not target the latrines! It'd be the perfect counter-battery weapon! Even better if it actually works as a latrine!"

Errant held up his hands. "Andy! Andy, woah! You can't be serious! Who'd want to go to the head and worry about your 'business' setting it off? Also a functional toilet munition could be defined as a biological weapon, which is illegal you know?"

The CEO poo-pooed that idea with a dismissive wave. "It's highly unlikely that fecal bacteria would survive a high-temperature explosion when the warhead detonates. You couldn't call any resulting outbreak of viruses such as cholera or dysentary our fault. Those circulate military camps all the time."

Errant opened his mouth to protest. Bard ran over him and kept talking. "With all due respect, sir, you can't stop me from going."

"Actually I could, the government hasn't finalized my abilities to restrict travel." The Miraade commented.

"Well, I know you won't stop me because it would be against the principles upon which you are forming the government. That's besides the point, all I'm asking for is some military advisors. Someone who could take a look at it and tell if it was feasably possible, not impractical or insane, just if it is possible and feasable."

Errant leaned back in his high backed leather chair. "Ballistic toilets?"

Bard nodded. "Yes. Should be no worse that the Collapsible Combat Ruler, the Feline Muzzle Masquer, High Potassium Enriched Banana Munition."

The Miraade idly wondered where the CCFT would fit in that number line of insanity. He figured somewhere inbetween the FMM and the HPEBM. He sighed. "Okay, Andy. You know I hate stifling innovation. Anything that keeps the enemy guessing, confused, and on their back foot can get my go ahead..." He glanced down at the answer from Pheonix Dynamix.

"Five people...you're going?" Bard nodded, barely remaining quiet to let Errant finish. "Four slots left...I'll send three people with you."

Bard opened his mouth to protest. Errant held up a hand to stall him. "No, you pick your very best designer. I'm going to send Major Dalaeni, Colonel Quigley, and my secretary Miss Jessica Lepor."

The weapon manufacturer frowned as he ran the names through his head. "I understand Dalaeni and Quigley as military advisors, but why a secretary? I can take notes..."

Errant smirked. "They're all going because they have better skills than their pay grades. Major Dalaeni, as a sniper, is an expert in fieldcraft and concealment. She's also a gorram good Marine, which is good since they'll most likely field the artillery version. Colonel Quigley can cover the Air Force's interest in the air-launched variant, and if there's a hare-brained idea to achieve a military goal Quigley can make it work or ensure its failure is obvious. Miss Lepor is the furthest from being hare-brained. She's level-headed to a fault, and I trust her judgement completely. She's my eyes and ears since I can't go."

Bard looked over his shoulder at the Miraade's secretary, Miss Lepor. Miss Lepor was seated calmly at the back of the Miraade's office, taking notes with her personal digital assistant. She glanced up from her PDA, feeling attention on her. Bard could feel one dark green eye boring into him, while her other eye remained hidden behind the long red lockes of her "peek-a-boo" bangs. There were rumors about Miss Lepor. The intense evaluating look she turned on him belied the intelligence hidden by picture-esque face and shapely body. Some wondered why she was only the Miraade's secretary and not something greater. Rumors ranged from that she was actually the puppeteer that manipulated the Miraade's strings to her being the clandestine head of the Catawaba Intelligence Service to she was Errant's not-so-secret lover.

Bard simply assumed that the Miraade placed a high emphasis on administrative organization. He nodded to Errant. "That's perfectly acceptable. I'm certainly they'll be very useful in evaluating the testing of the CCFT."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v35/jedierrant/bardgun.jpg

From the Desk of the CEO for the Bard Gun Company
To FM Maximus Seville III, CEO for Phoenix Dynamix

Mister Seville,

With cooperation from my government, I am pleased to accept your invitation to attend the first field testing of your Combat Capable Field Toilet. All your terms are acceptable and highly generous considering the chance to attend an event of this magnitude.

Our delegation shall consist of:
Mr. Andy Bard, CEO for the Bard Gun Company
Mr. George Vernon Boucher, Chief Designer for BGC's Novelty Arms Division
Major Magaret Dalaeni, Catawaban Marines
Colonel Matthew Quigley, Catawaban Air Force
Ms. Jessica Lepor, Personal Administrative Assistant for the Alpha Miraade

We will be carrying video cameras as well as other formers of data recorders, which will of course remain deactivated until such time as specified by your personnel. My government wishes to know what sort of restrictions you might have on our military as well as civilian delegates possessing self-defense weaponry. Finally, my firm is making travel arrangements that will transfer us through an approved carrier.

We hope to see you and your marvelous innovation soon,
Andy Bard
CEO for the Bard Gun Company

OOC: i've been a bit busy and unable to post, ill elaborate with an IC post sometime in a few months.

Bard Gun Company, Cruel and Unusual Detonations Annex
Fairbanks, Catawaba

"I understand that you want to go, Jules. I really do." George Vernon Boucher replied as he looked over the specifications of the Cruel and Unusual Detonation Division's newest prototype. He bent over to take a closer to take a look at the cyclindrical object. He extended a finger to nudge the cylinder. "But Mister Bard wants his best designer, me, since the Miraade has filled the rest of the seats with brass and a skirt."

Jules, or Julius Kladius Explodem as it said on his business cards which were also revolutionary door breaching charges, bit his lip. "Mister Boucher, I don't know if it would be correct to..."

"What? To call Jessica Lepor a skirt?" Boucher poked at the cyclinder. "She's nothing but the Miraade's eyecandy if that's all their relationship is. No, JK , Jessica Lep-whore is definitely a skirt and a gorram fine one, eh?" Chuckling at his own 'wit,' Boucher pushed at the cyclinder again and turned his head to see JK Explodem's agreement with his sexist statements about the Miraade's secretary. What he did see was Explodem and the staff of the CUD hightailing it out of the annex.

They all rounded the heavily reinforced blast doors that let them out of the heavily reinforced CUD lab. While the CUD staff was now safe, George Vernon Boucher learned karmarically why you should never insult the honor or dignity of Miss Jessica Lepor and explosively why you should never poke at an Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator.

JK Explodem, Head of the Cruel and Unusual Detonations Division, had tried to say, "Mister Boucher, I don't know if it would be correct to push at the Illudium Q-36. It can be quite volatile."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v35/jedierrant/bardgun.jpg

From the Desk of the CEO for the Bard Gun Company
To FM Maximus Seville III, CEO for Phoenix Dynamix

Mister Seville,

I would like to update the status of the Catawaban delegation. Due to a work-related accident, Mister Boucher will not be able to attend the demonstration. His place will be filled by the head of our Cruel and Unusual Detonation Division, Julius Kladius Explodem.

Our plans are unchanged, and we will be arriving the day before the demonstration.

From the heart to the mind to the stars,
Andy Bard
CEO for Bard Gun Company

And so it was the day of the test. A strange shell was loaded into the artillery cannon that was setup beyond the berm. The men looked over their calculations and double checked their GPS data. With a ceremonious yank, the cannon fired and the XMT-355 projectile was propelled into the desert on a high trajectory. A few kilometers away a small congregation of reporters, officials and executives, along with a foreign delegation looked up in the sky and waited.
In just a few seconds the XMT-355 landed a few dozen meters in front of where the people were standing. A technician ran over to the landing site check that everything was safe, and then motioned for everyone to come over.

A presenter began his speech:
"We present to you the XMT-355 Combat toilet.
Now you don't have to expose your troops in combat situation, the XMT-355 can be deployed in any hostile environment, provided the soil is loose enough for penetration. The XMT-355 is a fully featured flushing toilet complete with an onboard supply of expanding chemical flushing fluid. All of the waste is funneled into the impact crater, out of sight out of mind, and more importantly out of smell! "
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v293/grunt74/NS1/combatcrapper.jpg