Pwnanation
18-02-2008, 05:23
Wild Dolphins Declared National Threat
Villa de Nub, 8:45 AM -- A balmy morning at the Nub National Seashore finds the shore dotted with about a half-dozen early risers enjoying mandatory vacation time or scheduled weekends. The sun beams down as clouds drift lazily past, and the vacationers sip tea or cocktails as they listen to the rolling waves. Suddenly, the calm is shattered by a gut-wrenching scream. A body lies at the shoreline, a bloody stump where the head was only moments before. In the distance, a chittering, inhuman laugh can be heard echoing back from the expanse of the ocean. A dolphin has attacked.
For decades, our children have been fooled by images of playful dolphins dancing benignly with divers, or bouncing beach balls through hoops for bits of fish. What they were never told was that, in the wild, dolphins practice these same ball-bouncing skills not with beach balls, but with human heads. The government of Pwnanation, now freed from the media oppression of the Grand Dutchy of Noob, is releasing this long-suppressed information regarding the dangers of wild dolphins in hopes that raising public awareness will help to abate this threat.
Dolphins prefer to attack before the sun has reached its zenith, so beach-goers are encouraged to be vigilant and remain at least three yards from the waterline in the morning hours. Signs are now required at all public beaches which display the current dolphin threat level, ranging from one at the lowest to five at its highest. Beaches will be closed if the threat level reaches five, though beach use will be discouraged at three and above. Sonic buoys are being deployed around the waters of all major beaches in order to discourage the dolphins from venturing too close. Finally, water shows featuring domesticated dolphins will be prefaced with an educational talk on the dangers of the wild variety, and Dolphin Vigilance bracelets will be made available by the government for a limited time.
For more information on the dolphin threat, visit our website at pwn.dolphinvigilance.edu or contact Mary Martyr at the Office of Aquatic Research.
Villa de Nub, 8:45 AM -- A balmy morning at the Nub National Seashore finds the shore dotted with about a half-dozen early risers enjoying mandatory vacation time or scheduled weekends. The sun beams down as clouds drift lazily past, and the vacationers sip tea or cocktails as they listen to the rolling waves. Suddenly, the calm is shattered by a gut-wrenching scream. A body lies at the shoreline, a bloody stump where the head was only moments before. In the distance, a chittering, inhuman laugh can be heard echoing back from the expanse of the ocean. A dolphin has attacked.
For decades, our children have been fooled by images of playful dolphins dancing benignly with divers, or bouncing beach balls through hoops for bits of fish. What they were never told was that, in the wild, dolphins practice these same ball-bouncing skills not with beach balls, but with human heads. The government of Pwnanation, now freed from the media oppression of the Grand Dutchy of Noob, is releasing this long-suppressed information regarding the dangers of wild dolphins in hopes that raising public awareness will help to abate this threat.
Dolphins prefer to attack before the sun has reached its zenith, so beach-goers are encouraged to be vigilant and remain at least three yards from the waterline in the morning hours. Signs are now required at all public beaches which display the current dolphin threat level, ranging from one at the lowest to five at its highest. Beaches will be closed if the threat level reaches five, though beach use will be discouraged at three and above. Sonic buoys are being deployed around the waters of all major beaches in order to discourage the dolphins from venturing too close. Finally, water shows featuring domesticated dolphins will be prefaced with an educational talk on the dangers of the wild variety, and Dolphin Vigilance bracelets will be made available by the government for a limited time.
For more information on the dolphin threat, visit our website at pwn.dolphinvigilance.edu or contact Mary Martyr at the Office of Aquatic Research.