NationStates Jolt Archive

Beatusian World News Daily

Dateline: Eilífur, Andleg Viðleitni
Scientist at the Eilífur Research Institute today, finished a report which categorically proves the non-existence of the being the Christians, and Jews call "God", and the Muslims, call "Allah". The report, to be published later this month in the world renown Beatusian periodical, Theological Studies Monthly. The scientists weren't very willing to talk to reporters after finishing the report, which they have spent 10 years working on. They had only this to say, "We this report is published, even the most staunch supporters of the "God Theory" will be forced to realize that it is all hogwash." The backlash to the announcement of such a report is speculated to be quite big, as we shall soon see. We are all wondering what this report will say, and how it will live up to these scientists claims. There are currently three copies of the report, on of which is at the Eilífur Research Institute, the second of which is at Theological Studies Monthly headquarters, waiting to go out out the printers for this months issue, and the third is on file at the Beatusian Government Archives. I for one, am greatly anticipating this issue of Theological Studies Monthly, which comes out next Thursday. Until then I guess we just have to wait.

The Binarian Empire shall donate three billion dollars to the Eilífur Research Institute and hopes that the world will listen to this report.

The Binarian Empire shall donate three billion dollars to the Eilífur Research Institute and hopes that the world will listen to this report.

To the Binarian Empire,

At the 2-5 billion dollar donation level, you qualify to receive our quality tote bag, with the ERI logo, but wait, that's not all, you also get signed up to our monthly newsletter, to keep you up to date on the current projects underway at the ERI. Your funds will be used well. If you donate another 3 billion, you would qualify to have a wing named, well, whatever you wish, really.

Signed,
Hyman Pudgy,
Director,
Eilífur Research Institute

The leading scientests of the Armed Republic of Greater Headhunters have come to an amazing conclusion to their research. They have compiled enough facts and evidence to find that the Eilífur Research Institute does not exist. The head of the project, Moritz Von Schlestig-Holstein has just released this statement, "Sorry to piss on your (Eilífur Research Institute) parade, knuckleheads. Good day.".

OOC::D

The leading scientests of the Armed Republic of Greater Headhunters have come to an amazing conclusion to their research. They have compiled enough facts and evidence to find that the Eilífur Research Institute does not exist. The head of the project, Moritz Von Schlestig-Holstein has just released this statement, "Sorry to piss on your (Eilífur Research Institute) parade, knuckleheads. Good day.".

OOC::D

[OOC: Its taken long enough for someone to take offense at this.]

[OOC: Lulz...]

Stoklomolvi scientists were baffled when they, after conducting hundreds of tests, discovered that the Armed Republic of Greater Headhunters had vanished. They concluded that it was the result of tampering with an immense Bose-Einstein condensate, which fooled the world into believing that there was a land known as Greater Headhunters.

"We never knew."

Sumguaian Daily Enquirer:

A Sumguaian research group released the troubling results of a three-year study today, In which they determined that they do not exist. When questioned by the press on the matter, one scientist is quoted as saying: "I have no comment. After all, I'm not really here."

Apparently the same report concludes that breakfast cereal and domestic cats are also non-existant. The share price of stock of several companies, included the popular brands Sumguaian Oats and Pets 'R' Us, dropped several points following this announcment.

OOC: i couldn't resist

Upon further investigation, the scientists revealed that Stoklomolvi does not exist. After reading through the data, there is no such thing as a country. Baffled, they shot themselves, spewing black brain powder across the wall. Apparently, the revelations sizzled their minds.

Johann Bauer, a leading scientist of the Dominion and a professor at the University of Aalbach, recently published an essay which refutes the findings of the Eilifur Research Institute. The report cites several tests done over a period of 17 years, as well as field work during which revealing discoveries were made.

In an interview he addressed the ERI: “On one such excursion, my crew came upon God droppings, which I have carefully preserved in a climate controlled laboratory. DNA tests have been conducted and have shown that these droppings do indeed come from God. A few years later, we discovered a God corpse while following a likely God trail on the side of a mountain. We held the corpse at the university for about a year until it mysteriously evaporated. All of my data is made clear in this report, so I would suggest that you tweak the methodology of your experiment.”

After minutes of exuhastive research, Binarian scientists discovered that In reality, that they along with everyone else in their world, are simplely figments of the imaginations of a bunch of mostly male, mostly teenaged loosers* on the internet with too much time on their hands.

*J/K.

[OOC: LOL!]

From the desk of : Colderon Jason Zion

Subject: Study... The nation " The Beatus may lose it sovergienty soon"


God does exist my friends... Because if he didn't then I would have nothing to compare my evil to.

"what ever all that lot smoking must be shit"said unknown person

The atheists will say "Yeah duh"

The Christians will say "I have faith this study is worthless"

and

The agnostics will remain unsure.

Basically, this was a waste of money that will change no minds.

Breaking News:

God A. Smith, a middle aged, balding Yanitarian, spoke today in front of a crowd in Trotsky Place.

"Ummmm.... I don't know why these EFI jerks have been saying that I don't exist. And I'll have them know that my muslim friends don't call me by my middle name [Allah], and they just call me the G-man like everyone else. Now quit slandering my name, and leave me the hell alone!"

Small news report

When asked about the recent article comming from abroad proclaiming the proof that "the Christian god does not exist", representatives of both the Sumerian Council of Temples, and the Sumerian Scientific Society commented equally:

"We wonder what sad state of a national education system would push philosophical issues as 'science' and then lable poorly educated philosophers as 'scientists'. The article undermines itself through its own existance."

No further comment was given when asked, reasons given as:

"We have better things to spend our time on."

[OOC: God A. Smith. Ah, classic. God Allah Yahweh...]

Society of Cynical Nihilists ridicule research on the nonexistence of god by publishing a mock scientific article

As a response to the statement given by Eilífur Research Institute, the anonymous organization known as Society of Cynical Nihilists has published through the Internet an article titled: "A chronological assessment of empirical proofs on the nonexistence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, on the nonexistent inversely proportional correlation between number of Pirates and Global Warming and on the directly proportional relation between persistence on researching useless issues and low intellectual levels", which is, on its methodologically organized content, authored by three authors identified "ANONYMOUS, Behind Seven Proxies; DESU, /B/tard; BAUER, Jack Ownage", expected to be some college students doing some sort of humorous and irreverent homework. Its highlights are comments which, beneath an academicist cover, are basically a complete laugh over those news. An excerpt of their 20-page long work, which no university has claimed authorship upon, is below:

"Taking as basis the previously presented historical notes on the unfalsifiable nature of all mythological and theological beliefs, on their complete lack of scientific nature and on the logical take of Occam's Razor to immediately dismiss them in scientific studies of the natural world(SHELDON, 2018; CARL, 2011), is thus statistically and factually proved that the any funding given to institutions that seek to use the scientific method on the research of nonscientific concepts is a complete way of wasting resources, which is, considering the principles of economic scarcity and the importance of efficiency in all forms of management, both public and private for the correct functioning of a society(DRUCKER, 2003), a sign of what is vulgarly known as idiocy[...]with these points, it is thus factually evidenced that the intellectual capacity of an human being is also measured by his capability of engaging into either useful professional activities, or personally gratifying leisure[...], considered the five symptoms of chronic intellectual stupidity, a concept of the lack of foresight to employ intellectual resources for truly fulfilling or entertaining activities[...]"

ah! i love this! i agree wtih all this. the whole thing is a big waste of time that can't prove anything and won't cahnge any minds.

and that's obviously been proven here.

blunt mocking. gotta love it.

EDIT: d'oh! I thought I was logged in as Benelux.

Two Druggies in Amsterdam:

Druggie 1: One would think drugs would be legal in the Beatus considering they produce shit like this.

Druggie 2: I think they are, just heavily taxed.

Druggie 1: No wonder whatever crap institute produced this needs so much money.

Druggie 2: Do you think we could import Beatusian drugs? Hell, maybe if we smoke it we'll see God.

Druggie 1: So because they can only see God when they are high they deduced that God is the figment of their imaginations just like this is the figment of whoever posted this shit.

Druggie 2: You should lay off the cocaine man.

Proof of God's Absence Won't Hold Water, Scientists Predict
Jack Avery
Glenhaven Tribune

Alleged scientists in The Beatus claim to have proven that God does not exist. Their exact findings have yet to be released, but local theologians are predicting a tired variant of the "Problem of Evil" argument, which states that an omnipotent benevolent deity would not allow evil to exist. As it does, the argument states that God is either not omnipotent, not benevolent, or nonexistent. The argument, of course, has numerous holes in it, especially given the Christian belief in God's gift of free will, which would prevent interference in the case of human evil.

Of course, the mere idea of such an article is absurd, given the scientific impossibility of disproving the existence of an object. Assuming an infinite universe (as current scientific theory holds), it is impossible to account for every possible location for an object, and thus absurd to say that something is impossible or nonexistent. Theologians and scientist alike doubt the validity of the Beatusian findings for this very reason, and are eagerly awaiting their release in order to demolish them.

The article is scheduled to be released in Thursday's issue of the Beatusian magazine Theological Studies Monthly.

Vallingard Times, 2-15-08
CHRISTIAN GOD FINDS STUDIES NOT TO EXIST
In an open announcement today, the biblical god, known varyingly as God, Allah, Yahweh, and, "That guy with the beard" stated that he had come to conclusive proof that studies did not exist. After much deliberation and almost 10 years of research, he has written a paper entitled, "This Paper is not a Study, Because Studies do not Exist". God made this announcement this morning, before an excited Vallingard Square. In an open announcement, his imperialness Imperator Hephaestus Blackforge stated that he wholeheartedly agreed with god, and was very pleased to get this mess sorted out. God's paper will be released to the public some time next month, or, according to God, "whenever Judgement Day is supposed to be."

(OOC: Couldn't resist.)

Breaking News:

God A. Smith, a middle aged, balding Yanitarian, spoke today in front of a crowd in Trotsky Place.

"Ummmm.... I don't know why these EFI jerks have been saying that I don't exist. And I'll have them know that my muslim friends don't call me by my middle name [Allah], and they just call me the G-man like everyone else. Now quit slandering my name, and leave me the hell alone!"

OOC: ROTFLOL!!! That was genius, Yani. Genius.

IC:

The Imperial Academy of Science, in cooperation with Sardson University's Theology and Paraphysics Departments, has come to the conclusion that They, and indeed, the entire universe does not exist.

One member of the research team, Dr. Jane Irishford, has presented the controversial theory that the entire world is merely a figment of imagination, and that its events are nothing more than several gigabytes of data on a hard drive owned by a purely speculative entity known as "Jolt", and that the universe was created by a godlike, omnipotent, literary figure called "Max Barry".

The KE government will take these studies as a national security matter.

Breaking News:

God A. Smith, a middle aged, balding Yanitarian, spoke today in front of a crowd in Trotsky Place.

"Ummmm.... I don't know why these EFI jerks have been saying that I don't exist. And I'll have them know that my muslim friends don't call me by my middle name [Allah], and they just call me the G-man like everyone else. Now quit slandering my name, and leave me the hell alone!"

To Mr. God A. Smith,

We apologize. This was a harmless experiment to prove that people still believed in God, which from the responses we have received has proven true. Again we apologize, and wish to offer you a years subscription to the Weekly World Wonderer, absolutely free.

Signed,
Hyman Pudgy,
Director,
Eilífur Research Institute

EDIT: d'oh! I thought I was logged in as Benelux.

Two Druggies in Amsterdam:

Druggie 1: One would think drugs would be legal in the Beatus considering they produce shit like this.

Druggie 2: I think they are, just heavily taxed.

Druggie 1: No wonder whatever crap institute produced this needs so much money.

Druggie 2: Do you think we could import Beatusian drugs? Hell, maybe if we smoke it we'll see God.

Druggie 1: So because they can only see God when they are high they deduced that God is the figment of their imaginations just like this is the figment of whoever posted this shit.

Druggie 2: You should lay off the cocaine man.

Amsterdam

A man walks up to the two druggies, and hands them an envelope. "You got served," the man said before walking away. Within the envelope was a lawsuit, filed with the Beatusian Homeless Society, stating that these two men were portraying a cheep rip-off of an act two bums do on the streets of the City of the Blessed. It also stated that if they failed to show up to court, for the lawsuit, that they're drug dealers would be contacted, and threatened that if they sold drugs to these two again, the would end up with they're heads on a pike in the National Headquarters of the Beatusian Homeless Society. It also said that the Society knows all, the Society sees all.

Beatusian World News Daily

Dateline: Eilífur, Andleg Viðleitni

"We wish to thank you all for participating in our experiment which has just proven the existence of God, who rests in each and everyone of you who replied to this statement with a refutation of our findings, which hadn't even been released yet. Your belief proves the existence of God, for that is what God is. God is belief." At least that is what the official report from the Eilífur Research Institute started with today. It appears as if they fooled us all for the sake of science. Well, if you would like to read the full article it is in todays issue of Theological Studies Monthly.

OOC: You know, I have this sneaking suspicion that Beatus is just doing this to sell magazines. That would explain my trade surplus mysteriously halving.

Amsterdam

<<snip>>

[OOC: Hahaha!]

In local news, God appeared for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, did indeed admit that he was not real. After saying this he stood there awkwardly, and nobody knew what to do. Soon becoming bored with just standing there he said "Well.... SHAZAM!" with that, he threw a smoke grenade into the crowd, but being a very old Smoke grenade, the smoke quickly cleared and God was only halfway across the stairs. Seeing no point in doing anything any more, everyone just fell to the floor and stayed there for all time........ Goodbye everyone, for ever.....................

NEXT WEEK: Are Camels becoming self-aware?

South Lizasaurian scientists released their studies and findings to the world in order to disprove all the findings that other scientists have stating God doesn't exist.

Scientist Paul Martin: The evidence in the data I recorded and the evidence in our labwork have proven that God exists. Also we repeated the procedures of the foreign scientists' experiments except the experiments were tweaked to test for the presence of pure evil. The tests were positive. Evil being God's arch-enemy would tweak the results to make it seem God is false. To prove that this is not a religious hoax we have brought a few samples with us *scientist in chem suit brings forth a box used for transporting highly deadly and dangerous material, the scientist typed in a code to unlock it*

A cat was inside a cage, it was the cutest and most innocent of things, the guy was playful, gentle and purred nonstop, then the scientist squirted a few drops of "pure evil" onto the cat.

Before

http://photocache.petfinder.com/fotos/CA894/CA894.9676250-1-x.jpg

After (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qW7h3PZqFlk)

New Dublin Daily Sentinel
Keep them out!
By Henry Mugimbu

Earlier today the Ministry of education on behest of the Commission for Equality in Education* petitioned the Skibereenian government for the first time in its history to deny access to Beatus citizens to the Skibereenian educational system. In the past the CEE has fought to allow wartime enemies the privilege to attend the nation's universities.

Renowned educational facilities globally, and respected as being focused singularly on the betterment of the student, this recent request has sent the established intellectual community reeling back on its heels.

When Fredrick Wundt Head Chair of the commission was questioned he had this to say: "Never in my seventeen years on the commission has such a display of systemic ignorance ever been displayed. Indeed this request is not primarily to block Beatus students, but rather it is to block circuit lecturers, speakers, guest faculty, Beatus educational materials, anything which might potentially infect our institutions with such an unfathomable departure from logic and reason, not to mention good taste. We will move for the government to offer a waiver program for Beatus refugees who can pass a strict and stringent series of exams to prove they can function in the Skibereenian educational system up to proper academic standards. However we are seeking to make Beatus nationals being with in one kilometer of a Skibereenian University a deportation offense. As well as making a Beatus national with three-hundred meters of any other school a deportation offense.
We don't care if they come for vacation, so long as they keep their ideas to themselves."

It is in this reporters view a sad day when the University of Dublin has asked to keep out anyone.
While I don't believe the proposed resolution will pass muster, it is certainly a telling statement about the Beatus people among academics and intellectuals of Skibereen.

Due to a heavy amount of exhaustive research by Fanboyist scientists, it has been concluded that, something may or may not exist that could be, loosely called the universe. This is being published as the Ultimate Uncertainty Theory, and is on the cutting edge of science. Surprisingly, this study has not caused panic in the streets, as people are unsure whether they can protest against something that may not exist, or whether or not they exist for that matter. This is going to be interesting...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!1111oneoneone

A recent poll suggests that, aside from one citizen concerned about slander, nobody cares. Reactions range internationally from "yeah, no duh" to "OMFG LIES!", but no matter what, the sentiment is still the same. Yanitarians and members of the international community seriously don't care.

In other news, the most recent thing to grab the attention of people around the globe: Stoklomolvi Pop Princess Tatyana Borlov is pregnant. People around the world wait with baited breath for the decision on how this will effect her evening wear for the Atlantican Music Awards.

Zoingonian Times

God does not exist...as well as everything, and are we just a figment of someone elses imagination?

After a recent study, Scientists in Zoingo have concluded that The Beatus reports are correct, as well and the Kirav and other country reports of things that do not exist, because of claims of scientists that "nothing we know, see, or do actually exists, because it is all an illusion. But then again, illusions do not exist because they are something....my head hurts."

The scientists have also concluded that space and time do not exist, and that we don't exist as well.....which is wierd and disturbing to us all.

(Clips of pictures....)

In fact, claims that we are all made up and that all of the governments, countries, and politics are being controled by some dork or teenager typing on a computer on something called 'nationstates' on the internet. Scientists followed their typers commands and were forced to say the words.

"I hope that this secret doesn't get out....opps!"

Of course, such theories of us being controled on such a website is absured, and really, who would ever believe the worlds greatest scientists?

The Oka Institute of Science and Technology is preparing a full debunkery report of the published reports arguing against God's existence.

Official Statement from TSRT Government
"Whether God exists or not is characterised by belief, not by scientific method. Because of that, the question of the existance of god is not anything a scientific institution would study. Therefore, we can come to the logical conclusion that the Eilífur Research Institute, by attempting to ascertain whether god exists or not, is not using the scientific method. By extension, we can conclude it is also not a scientific institution.

PS: The Government of the Totalitarian State of Red Tide is officially athiestic and discourages religion, as it erodes the power of the State."
End Message

OOC: ROTFLOL!!! That was genius, Yani. Genius.

IC:

The Imperial Academy of Science, in cooperation with Sardson University's Theology and Paraphysics Departments, has come to the conclusion that They, and indeed, the entire universe does not exist.

One member of the research team, Dr. Jane Irishford, has presented the controversial theory that the entire world is merely a figment of imagination, and that its events are nothing more than several gigabytes of data on a hard drive owned by a purely speculative entity known as "Jolt", and that the universe was created by a godlike, omnipotent, literary figure called "Max Barry".

The KE government will take these studies as a national security matter.

IC:

Scientists from South Lizasauria say that the theory of the world being imaginary has to be false due to the fact that even if it is imaginary in one universe one must remember that all alternate realities are played out in other universes meaning what is pretend in one becomes real in another. For example when my colleague professor Multch was a child he came up with captain happy face to eats children and flies using magical straws, disturbingly, this may have been played out in an alternate reality.


OOC: LOL Quantum physics. :p

IC:

Scientists from South Lizasauria say that the theory of the world being imaginary has to be false due to the fact that even if it is imaginary in one universe one must remember that all alternate realities are played out in other universes meaning what is pretend in one becomes real in another. For example when my colleague professor Multch was a child he came up with captain happy face to eats children and flies using magical straws, disturbingly, this may have been played out in an alternate reality.


OOC: LOL Quantum physics. :p

The Scientist in Zoingo thank South Lizasauria in helping us finally realize Fission

Clerics Call for Crusades

Topping tonight's eyewitless news:

From his pulpit somewhere in the nether regions of the country, the Right Reverend Stuckey Titus, in between bouts of extreme flatulence, called upon his supporters to "end the heathen reign of those who would question the existence of our (pffffffffft!) one savior!"

Titus joins a worldwide furor, adding his voice to the likes of Muslim Cleric Ahmed Ellushun Al,* who has called for a "jihad against the infidels."

In a related story, opticians and emergency rooms everywhere have been swamped with people suffering from a mysterious ailment. People are pouring into these physicians' clinics with only the whites of their eyes showing. Doctors think that this is somehow related to extreme eye-rolling, and warn people everywhere to use caution when rolling their eyes.

----------------------------

* Read it slowly. :) :) :) ("I'm Delusional.")

[OOC: We wish to direct you all to the release of the report, which would tell you that this was all an experiment to prove that God really did exist, see above post.
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