NationStates Jolt Archive

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bb:a1bd::ffff:ffff$)
June 5, 2019

"I'm going to become rich and famous after I invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the Internet."
-Traditional

This classic quote has been circulated around the internet for decades and has been the secondary punch line of many jokes spawned in the interlinked melting pot of various classes of humor. Of course, it has never been taken seriously by anyone, owing both to its general impossibility and total lack of morality.

Until now, that is.

19 year-old Mary Allison Yorktown is a member of the hacker group "EthaLOL," a group famous for its 2016 attacks on the Bigtopian governmental intranets. Yorktown herself is notable not only for her most famous achievement, the "eBay eBuy" attack, but also the development of a real-time solution for true global illumination lighting through geometry shader raytracing.

Yorktown, sometime last May, was chatting online with her friends over IRC, when all of a sudden a "troll" just came into the channel and started spewing "absolute nonsense and insulting racial slurs" in her words. She was not new to this experience, nor was it an isolated or rare incident; according to a 2018 survey, 94% of all internet chatters encounter a troll more than twice a month. This, however, was the last straw for Yorktown.

"I couldn't take it anymore," Yorktown said on the experience. "My channel, #theeinsteincode, was the subject of much trolling from those bastard Christian conservatives and maybe an ideological flamebaiter or two ever so often. We try to act politely when they present their broken arguments about The Einstein Code and call us 'hellbound 'till you renounce your dark faith' but sometimes it just gets too rough."

What was Yorktown's solution? Why, a device - software, rather, that allows anyone to stab anyone else in the face over the internet. Well, not technically, of course.

"Most new monitors today," Yorktown said, "have little microcomputer controllers for display units. They're for signal processing sometimes, or adjusting contrast values or otherwise. As much as this is a commonly known fact. However, what most people either forget or don't know is that the monitor computers also receive and process raw instructions from the GPU or video card. Since the computers often control power supply and voltage or otherwise, one can use the GPU instruction-sending method to up the voltage on the monitor, causing overheating, malfunction - perhaps even explosion. And this is where the 'stabbing people in the face over the internet' part comes into play."

Yorktown's software basically hits a target computer, acts as a 3D application, enters high-performance commands into the video card, and sends over-voltage request commands to the monitor through the display port. Soon, the monitor should explode, resulting in glass shards flying in the face of the target user.

"Of course, this needs some hacking skills," Yorktown warned. "You'll need to run the software on the target computer remotely, and how you do that is no longer up to my program. This software just does the stabbing for you - it's your job to get the knife in place."

So far, the quoted statement has been prophecy of the highest precision on both counts on Yorktown's part. She has widespread fame in the internet community, and only six days after the release of her software, has already taken $2 million in income, not revenue!

Yorktown's software retails at $29.99, under the name "Remote Stabber Pro."

Wow!!! Thank you so much, Ms Yorktown. I have been manufacturing and selling (at greatly inflated prices) bullet-proof/ wave-proof monitors to various military and quasi-military operations for about a decade now. My product is good, it's effective, it's a warrior's dream. But up until now, there has really been no civilian market for it. Now there might be, soon. And considering the wealthy funding sources of certain Conservative groups, this could be financially benificial to my little business.

Thank you, Thank you !!! :D

((OOC: Snowgryphon, dammit. I clicked this link on IRC and thought I was in General, reading a quote from a real news article. Now I'm all excited for nothing!))

Statement from the His Majesty's Ministry of Internal Affairs

Concerning the software known as "Remote Stabber Pro";

This software has been judged by the ministry to be too open to abuse. Its only function is to harm others; it has no secondary function, nor is its ability to harm others a secondary function of a more useful effect this product has. The potential for criminal damage or even assault is too high. Thus, this product is banned within Makaar. The country's ISPs will be required to isolate the instructions sent by this software and prevent them from entering the national network to prevent them from entering outside; posession of this software will be charged under the Computer Crime Act 2006, and its use will be charged under the General Crime Act 2004 as Assault or Murder.

We repeat to our citizens the usefulness and security provided by simple firewall and other security programs and urge them to purchase and install this software if they intend to connect a computer to the internet. Makaar Telecom is mandated under its charter to obtain a copy of this software, test its effectiveness, and suggest means of stopping its use.

Governmental Communique to the Associated Press

Bwahaha! You, Mary Allison Yorktown, are a genius! The Kostemetsian government salutes you enthusiastically.

And on that note... a/s/l?

James Bovill, Kostemetsian General Secretary and Interim Foreign Affairs Minister

Vojvodina-Nihon has reported 7 1/4 sales of this software within its borders. The 1/4 has been written off as an accounting error, but rumours of computer viruses that cause only the bottom left corner of one's monitor to explode have become hard to ignore.

Official Communique from the Capitalist Paradise of McPsychoville
viaticus planto universum volubilis

Dear Ms. Yorktown,

We feel there is no point beating about the bush, you may possibly be the greatest genius in global history and we salute your corporate spirit. However, we would like to request that you do not make your product available within our borders; our governmental headquarters are frequent targets for attack, and we do not wish to have to safeguard against yet another threat.

Yours,
Brother-Lieutenant Tom Burr

http://i28.tinypic.com/2vdpleh.png
Official Communication
From
The Government of the Federation of Syba
To:

We feel similarly to the McPsycovillians, however, we will buy 10,000 of these devices for government use. They will be held in government hands, not freely distributed though. And I reiterate the point that you maybe one of the smartest persons ever to grace the face of the Earth.

Sincerely,
Kaylee Adrián
Interim President of Syba

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bb:a1bd::ffff:ffff$)
June 17, 2019

Mary Allison Yorktown of EthaLOL is by now one of the most popular girls in her school, and also on the face of the Earth. It is rare to find someone who is unaware of her achievement - and for those in the know, it is no longer the "eBay eBuy" attack, but her stab-in-the-face-over-the-internet program, "Remote Stabber Pro."

"I'm so happy that people have taken a lot of interest in this thing," she says of the overwhelming public response to her creation. "There's been a lot of talk about its danger and morality, but honestly, it's exactly this sort of thing that would shape the culture of the internet, from a primarily disgusting and immature user base, to a worldly society whose constituents work towards its own advancement. Well, of course, not really. In general, people just want to stab others in the face with high-speed glass fragments."

She has agreed to make illegal all distribution of Remote Stabber Pro in the regions of McPsychoville, and has recently sold 10,000 copies to the Federation of Syba. However, Remote Stabber Pro, now with a recent update that pulls it up to "build 7200," will continue to be tweaked towards the circumvention of the blocks naturally put against it by concerned countries or organizations who do not want their citizens or members slain by irate chatters.

"I understand if governments won't want their people dead, but if they're just gonna block RMP without even asking me, I'll try my best to help my customers by continually working on the software, letting it pass through firewalls and third-party apps - several of which have already been made, and which I have examined and reverse-engineered for purposes of further circumvention."

Yorktown said that she will work on Remote Stabber Pro for one more full year, before she starts work on her next project, currently held in secret.

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Controversy arises over RemoteStabberPro program

As expected, the commercial release of the RemoteStabberPro hacking software, the creation of a Perimeter Defense netizen Mary Allison Yorktown, has caused widespread controversy in Hamilay. It is expected that Parliament will vote on a resolution to ban or restrict its use by the end of the week, and Ministry of Defense personnel and private citizens alike are scrambling to take precautions against it, with the commercial market for shatter-proof glass on monitor screens taking an enormous boost. However, the Minister of Communications, the Honourable Keith Reinhardt, has launched an impassioned defense of the software at a press conference.

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, I'm here to talk to you about this new RemoteStabberPro software. Some have said that this is a danger to society and all that. This is narrow-minded. We already allow our citizens to own guns; why not this software? This is as much a necessity for self-defense, with the internet becoming an ever greater part of our lives."

At this point Mr Reinhardt paused to gaze at the assembled reporters.

"How many of you have posted on a forum, only to be interrupted by a neo-Nazi troll? How many of you have been watching Youtube videos, only to accidentally glance at the horror that is the comments? How many of you have got on the helicopter in Battlefield, only to have a n00b take off and immediately crash into a tree? I know I have. I ask you, did you honestly not wish for shards of glass to fly into the offensive face in those situations? Can you honestly deny others the chance to have that wish fulfilled?

"Now, if I may change tack a little. How many of you have children? I have two. My eldest is nine, and just learning how to use the internet. One day, he came out from the computer room and looked into my eyes, and at that moment, I knew something was very wrong. He asked me to come see, and I followed. He pointed to the screen, and what I saw filled me with anger."

Mr Reinhardt then pressed a button on the lectern and a line of text appeared on the projector screen behind him.

"I quote; 'l0l ur a fukken idiot, globul warmin isnt real cus the suns alredy 600000 degrees + we havnt melted 2 death...' "

The reporters assembled began to murmur. Mr Reinhardt resumed his speech.

"My son asked me 'Dad, why are some people so silly?' and then he laughed. But this laugh was the final gasp of the innocence within him. I knew then that he could never go back. He had seen the stupidity of the internet, and he would have to face it in all its horrific majesty, once I explained it to him. How could anyone do that to an innocent child? Why did I not then have the ability to reach through the intertubes and stab the inhuman perpetrator of this stupidity in the face, or send an electric shock to he or she?"

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is not simply about stabbing people in the face over the internet. It is about our children. Will you deny your children the chance at internet justice? Yes, justice. The internet is a lawless place, bound by no laws. If you were harassed by a troll, there was nothing to be done save placing them on an ignore list. Chaos. No longer. No longer will we have to put up with FPS players teamkilling us with knives and then spewing racial epithets. No longer will we be bombarded with cries of 'wanna cyber' in MMORPGs, thanks to this brilliant invention of Ms Yorktown.

"This is about freedom. Order. Justice. All values which the Federal Republic has been built upon. Like it or not, the ability to spray shards of glass into the faces of others over the internet is an inseperable part of these. I again congratulate Ms Yorktown and her brilliance in bringing this program to the world. So support RemoteStabberPro for future generations of Hamilayans. Goodnight."

At this point the audience burst into thunderous applause.

No comment has been released from the office of the President, as no one has been brave enough to e-mail him.

© Hamilayan Broadcasting Network, 2008

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bc:9612::ffff:ffff$)
June 28, 2019

Remote Stabber Pro has been on top of software sales charts for the past few weeks now, and it seems that the rate of sale will only increase geometrically as more copies are made available. Since Mary Allison Yorktown, its creator, was unaware of the massive wave of interest that would engulf her program, she had never intended to have it mass produced; now, it seems, everyone wants a piece of the glass pieces.

While there has been backlash equal to its sales success, several individuals and organizations have expressed no hostility towards RSP - and even support of the product's purpose, such as Hamilay's Keith Reinhardt and Kostemetsia. And regardless of their nation's disapproval, many within countries that have frowned upon RSP are still purchasing anyway.

"I watched Mr. Reinhardt's speech the other day," Yorktown related. "While what he said wasn't precisely my purpose in building Remote Stabber Pro, I think he has a point. There is no justice in the Internet, aside from those few cases where huge teams of geolocators and federal hackers go out to scan for hackers and high-profile targets. At the average person's level, whoever insults him will simply go unpunished in every way. This is a sad disease in the Net of today, and I'm glad to have been given the opportunity to contribute to its alleviation."

Likewise, many people have gotten smart and started buying shatterproof monitor screens or wearing Kevlar face masks while they troll. Some have even resorted to buying laptops, which, Yorktown admits, still cannot be affected by RSP due to the nature of the link of the machine to the onboard LCD. Of course, these methods are prohibitively expensive for most, and the most cost-effective way of avoiding being "RSP'd" (the first new netverb since google) is to be a nice person.

And yes, in this regard the Internet is becoming a nicer place. Surveys across the globe have silenced the doubters and revealed that in the past few weeks, griefers and trolls have lost strength, and flame wars and forest fires have massively decreased in occurrence. RSP seems to have become the ultimate deterrent against Internet verbal abuse and plain assholery.

Of course, there are the corollary casualties to the radical change of a monolithic society such as the Internet. 9 people have died following brain shrapnel injury or blood loss due to jugular slicing during computer use since the release of RSP, and 245 more have suffered moderate to severe injuries.

"This is the price to pay for a changeover in the anarchy of the Internet," Yorktown explained. "What revolution has come without bloodshed or violence? You can cite Gandhi and the Philippines' People Power all you want, but those cases just won't work in a place such as that which unites people without really bringing them up close and personal, or even giving them any form of identification. This is why you see FBI strike teams breaking down doors and flashing their guns at pirates, or demolishing bootleg production factories. And this is why RSP is necessary for the advancement of Net society."

Remote Stabber Pro retails at $24.99, and currently has a weeklong delivery time.

Message to Mary Allison Yorktown

While Kostemetsia supports RSP fully (incidentally, we wouldn't mind ten thousand copies), we consider that RSP's success may be its downfall. As more and more copies of RSP are bought, demand for it falls off, until finally everyone has a copy and the program makes zero profit.

We'd also like to say that even the nicest of our government staff enjoy a good, well-written flame war once in a while.

James Bovill
Kostemetsian General Secretary and Interim Foreign Affairs Minister

P.S. asl plz?

Imperial Proclamation:

By order of the Imperial Supreme Court, santioned by the Empress, this product is now illegal within the Imperial Federated States. To possess it, make use of it, buy it or sell it is now a punishable offense. To use such a horrible product within the Imperial Federated States is now recognized by national law courts as Attempted Homicide, unless it succeeds in killing the intended victim, in which case the charge is upgraded to Homicide.

~ Diplomatic Representative Robin Eames of the Imperial Federated States of Romandeos

******************************

Ms. Yorktown,

I must request that you make no attempt to infiltrate this product in to my country, as we don't have any real use for it anyway, most Romandeosians being decent, responsible persons who are mostly content to let online insults fly.

Besides which, it is never truly impossible to find out where a person lives. It is possible somebody who has a friend or relative harmed by this system might make the decision to seek vengeance, and if they can not find the responsible user, then you, by association, may become the next logical target. This would sadden me greatly, as I do not like bloodshed if it can be avoided.

Sincerely,
Her Imperial Majesty Empress Taunja I of the IFSR

OOC:

In all actuallity, many Romandeosians would probably like this product, but also understand why it's illegal.

Hirosakia Department of Commerce

The Hirosakian government has seen your marvelous product and would like to invite you to establish a factory in our nation to produce this grand invention. It has been sold out in Hirosakia since day one and we believe that a factory is the only wat to keep up with increasing demand.

Sincerely,
Kev Chung, Computer Electronics Department

OOC: SnowGryphon, its me Aurum, this is my secondary nation.

ooc: lol..thanks for the laugh! Was having a bad morning and this was a pick-me-up. Definitely liked the explanation as it would catch many newbies with the idea this would actually work. Thanks!

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bc:9612::ffff:ffff$)
July 5, 2019

On the last day of May 2019, Remote Stabber Pro was released by Mary Allison Yorktown to the anarchic public of the Internet. Since then, 3 million physical copies and 2 million downloads have been purchased by consumers across the globe. Since then, the Internet has been comparatively peaceful.

And since then, 19 people have died, with over 400 injured, from being RSP'd.

"This is the price to pay for a changeover in the anarchy of the Internet," Yorktown said in our previous article. Critics say it's too grave a price to be paid for the conversion of a society that has never needed conversion in the past. They even argue that it wasn't even Yorktown's original intention; she's just riding with its flow of popularity and redefining its purpose.

Whatever the case, the fact remains unchanged that people have died or suffered because of Remote Stabber Pro, and the effects of this have been just as well publicized as their causes. In Romandeos, the usage of Remote Stabber Pro is either Attempted Homicide in unsuccessful cases, or Homicide in successful ones. Death threats have been made on Yorktown herself, and some have even planned to use her own software against her. All this displays the level of contempt many people have for what Yorktown has released.

And yet, commensurate praise and blessing has been given to Yorktown and RSP for the changeover it has effected in the populace of the Net. Kostemetsia has ordered thousands of copies - an order which Yorktown is yet to be able to complete - and Hirosakia is desirous of producing RSP inside of their nation - an offer which Yorktown has modified, as she has given their Department of Commerce the software production rights, source code pending approval.

"They love and hate me, and RSP," Yorktown says. "Of course, the graphics industry still owes me more for real-time global illumination, but otherwise I'm the Queen of Blades. Glass blades. Made of fracture shards. But Queen of Blades nonetheless. Oh, and for all you dudes out there who're thinking about RSPing me, I flashed my video card BIOS to bar the instructions sent by RSP; they look like a variant on legacy 3dfx Glide so it's not that hard to detect and defeat. Besides, my monitor is a flexible screen that doesn't shatter, so you can take your script kiddie crap elsewhere. I'm just a nice girl trying to make something good out of the unholy mess that is the Net."

Remote Stabber Pro now retails again at $29.99, following a short-lived price reduction of $5.

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bc:9612::ffff:ffff$)
July 26, 2019


By now the world should know the tragedy that has struck. 19-year-old Mary Allison Yorktown was killed yesterday by petty thugs, through the use of her own beloved product, Remote Stabber Pro.

Yorktown knew that there would be moral issues with such a product as RSP, and possibly people out to get her in a variety of ways - including through RSP itself; she thus took steps towards securing herself against an RSP attack by modifying her video card to avoid following RSP instructions, and using a flexible-type monitor panel that would not shatter if overloaded. However, it would not be possible for her to be safe with other computers.

Around 9:30 am yesterday, Yorktown entered the Ennui Cafe, an internet cafe popular among demosceners, in Ridgewood City. She sat down at a unit to chat with one of the 3D artists behind a 2016 winning entry, and was about to start her computer session when all of a sudden, every monitor in the computer cafe exploded simultaneously, sending glass shards flying across the establishment. Yorktown received a large chunk of glass to her forehead, killing her instantly, while 34 others were injured.

Perimetrian electronic criminologists have determined that all of the monitors were receiving amperage and voltage far beyond the designated limits for their models. It was clear that a multiplexed RSP attack was the cause of the devastation and death. Concerned hackers who were friends of Yorktown have joined forces with local police in tracking down the culprits behind this terrible deed.

The world mourns and rejoices at the death of Mary Allison Yorktown, who gave her life for the changing of the Internet - for better or for worse, she will always be remembered.

http://i227.photobucket.com/albums/dd188/NS_Crossbowman/diploheader.png
Stoklomolvi Secretariat of State
7656 Hegemony Drive, Administrative Compound, Office Complex 7C, Hallway 52L, Room 89
Vladistov, Stoklomolvi

Encryption Level 0, Null Encryption
To: [OPEN COMMUNIQUÉ]
Subject: Death of Mary Allison Yorktown

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Regards,
http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/images/Grigorsig.png
Grigor Aleksandrovich Stuyonovich
Civilian Management
Minister of Foreign Affairs

Signed,
http://ns.goobergunch.net/wiki/images/Alexeisig.png
Alexei Aleksandrovich Stuyonovich
The Commissar of Stoklomolvi

Encrypted Communique to the Government of the Grand Unified Federation of Perimeter Defense

Subject: Mary Allison Yorktown deceased

With the death of such a leading figure in Internet history, we can foresee only a grim future for the electronic world. Without the stabilising influence of a voice of reason, the Internet will revert to disorganised, repulsive anarchy.

FROM: Mokastana Bureau of Secret Actions
TO: Mary Allison Yorktown


We would like to buy Remote Stabber Pro for reasons that are classified.

Ms. Yorktown was killed on July 25, 2019. A legal battle is currently being fought in the courts as to who gets the rights to franchise and sell RSP. No further orders will be fulfilled until the issue is resolved.

Officials Ban Dangerous Internet Product - Death Toll Stands at One
The Honakon Daily Press

It has emerged that a few days ago yet again the Honakon Consumer Commission has banned a product from overseas, this time the deadly internet hack program Remote Stabber Pro which allows the user to pick a computer monitor and manipulate it to explode, causing physical damage and possible death to the target. In a quick overnight meeting the product was issued with an outright ban from Honakon borders, and the Law Commission passed a resolution that enabled citizens who holds procession of Remote Stabber Pro to have a set $50,000 fine which can increase and face up to five years in prison.

It however has become clear that in the early hours of yesterday one citizen in Jabero encountered the software and used it for an attack on the governments headquarters, a disgruntled capitalist perhaps, killing Government Researcher Mary Stuart. Police inspectors called the scene "horrific" and labelled the offence homicide, with Inspector Guillet saying of the crime "anyone who uses the software will face an attempted homicide charge, and homicide if the target is successfully murdered". Government officials today mourned her death and the Law Commission said "now even stricter laws on computer use will have to be enforced to make sure this does not happen again".

The murderer, tracked down by the government from Stuarts computer, is an unnamed man who lived in the wealth Western Quarter, was said to have had the product smuggled in from countries who sell it, at a price that reaches "over $2000 for the risk of bringing it into Honako". The killer was charged with first-degree murder after his arrest and now faces life in prison.

Reporter: Mary Wilson

Associated Press Interlink ipv6-2019:54bc:9612::ffff:ffff$)
August 12, 2019

Mary Allison Yorktown, may she rest in peace. But those who took her life will rest in glass pieces, to say something accurate. In a twist of irony, an independent investigator, "Long John" Curian, tracked down the murderers of Yorktown, who developed Remote Stabber Pro in May of this year. Upon discovery of their identity, instead of notifying the authorities, he waited for them to enter an online state on their computers - whereupon he used Remote Stabber Pro to full effect, resulting in the deaths of Jamie Kalfus, Lorna Soderbergh, and Gregor Gussman, all former members of the EthaLOL hacking group - of which Yorktown was a part, and whom she trusted with her life.

These petty criminals had become either jealous of Yorktown's success or ideological about the effects of her software, and decided to end its progress at the source. They succeeded, of course, in their murder, but justice's will was done in the end, albeit by a vigilante. In an incredibly short legal trial, with a historical overturning by public demand, Long John Curian's convicted judicial sentence of five years was defeated by the popular vote of virtually everyone in the audience and jury. No one wanted to see the avenger of Yorktown sentenced to five years for doing the greatest service to the greatest mind on Earth.

The rights to Remote Stabber Pro are now up for auction on eBay, with bidding beginning at 7 am tomorrow.

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The Kostemetsian Government wishes to make a bid for the rights to Remote Stabber Pro on behalf of a wealthy private citizen. The bidder does not wish to be identified, and is making a bid of five hundred million dollars.