NationStates Jolt Archive

Death, notorious for taking the lives of literally billions, is commonly thought to be pervasive and inescapable. But today, lawmakers in Vojvodina-Nihon made what exuberant commentators have hailed "the first step" towards "mak[ing] sure the world is free of death forevermore."

Legislator Benjamin Rutherford stated in a press conference, "People have to understand that death is not something to scoff at. Death has to be taken seriously. It is a real threat to our lives, it kills, it is killing at this very moment. This law will help prevent death from occurring, and allow us to crack down to a far more precise degree on illegal deaths."

The law, which stipulates that no individual shall die within the borders of Vojvodina-Nihon from this point on, carries hefty fines and the possibility of jail time for anyone dying within the nation. Nonetheless, the new legislation has its critics and detractors. Placard-waving protestor Jamie Lacrosse said, "To ban death is to go against God's will. Death, as our denomination understands it, is the perfect union with God; after death people are judged and consigned to eternal bliss and peace, or eternal torment. To remove [death]... would be to remove an important part of people's lives." Lacrosse suggested that, if He found out, God would do bad things, like turn all of the cupcakes in the land to ash, and cause all of the drummers to lose their sense of rhythm.

The law has also met with vehement opposition from special interests groups. John ben Avram, a lobbyist representing numerous terminal diseases, said: "It's nature's way that humans must eventually yield to cancer, HIV/AIDS, tuberculosis, smallpox and so on. This new law flies in the face of evolution." In agreement was funeral home owner Benson Danielforth. "If you ban death, I'm going to be out of a job. And so are dozens of my employees, and hundreds or thousands more around the country. We've built an industry on death. Banning it will have serious economic repercussions."

Demographer Louise Kearney added: "If death rates drop to zero, but birth rates continue to go up at their current rate, we'll be facing a population problem within a few years. The nation will simply get too overcrowded." Lawmakers have considered Ms. Kearney's suggestion, and a bill to ban pregnancy is currently stalled in the Lower Congress.

When polled, however, a majority of Vojvodinians believe the banning of death will be a good thing. Scientist and technocrat Robert Jones said, "If death is, as we understand it, a mere cold dark eternal void without memory or conception, we'll hardly be able to get anything done. Everyone would be a lot more productive if we simply stopped dying and could live long enough to invent more, see more places, you know. Think about great geniuses like Pushkin and Mozart, who died young, and imagine what they could have produced if only someone had had the foresight to ban death in their time."

The law goes into effect tomorrow at midnight, although critics claim it will come too late to save the over 40 million people who will die within that time period.

OOC: Semi serious thread.

*Dies*

"Sue me!"

*Dies*

"Sue me!"

For the act of dying illegally upon Vodinian soil, you are hereby sentenced to pay a fine of $5,000.00.



Did you hear me?!



Damn.

I have to say, I laughed.

For the act of dying illegally upon Vodinian soil, you are hereby sentenced to pay a fine of $5,000.00.



Did you hear me?!



Damn.

"Yes, I am finally ascending into Valhalla!"

"You cannot enter until you pay your fine."

"What! I don't have any money!"

"Well," Odin said, "you're S.O.L. Bu-bye!" *hits red button*

"Damn you Vojvodina-Nihon!"

*cue 1950's-esque music*

Within hours of the proclamation, hordes of Vetalian businessmen descended on the country. They were a small army, all pale and rather effete from years of work in the glittering and perfectly climate-controlled towers of Vetalia City. Each wore their own version of an expensive tailored suit, a leather briefcase, and piles of documents and figures...they were on the hunt for rubles, and they had caught scent. Vetalian cars, rather interesting things given their unambiguous adoption of retro-futuristic stylings, were soon swarming the roads, their shiny chrome and dark colors almost immediately recognized.

Across the country, untold sales pitches were launched, each led by a variant of the same nasal, almost obsequious tone that was the hallmark of Vetalian commerce.

"Perhaps your country would be interested in purchasing some of our fine medical products as a means of staving off age-related disorders? We have long since realized that massive extension of our lifespan allows our country to achieve its collective dream of generating as much wealth as is possible, and we are more than happy to sell our products in your country for a reasonable price."

"Cosmetic anti-aging creams, regenerative medicine, nanotechnological drug delivery systems, genomic sequencing, cloned-organ supplies, even our personal favorites, artificial organs, including bionics and custom-tailored biomimetics, all of them. Our country is willing to sell them to you for a reasonable price. We even have some solutions for your population problem, if you're so inclined."

"What of it, friends? Are you willing to embrace what Vetalia has to offer? If you need it, we can surely provide it...all we need is your money. And if you need any proof, just ask me." Each would then smile and pass over the documents necessary to authorize Vetalian operations in the country.

Shortly thereafter, an ID badge would be flashed, listing not only the person's rank in the prestigious Vetalian governmental examination system but also their ages. And it would be a lie to say that any of them looked a year over 40 despite their often advanced ages...three of them were over 80 and one over 100, as a matter of fact. Vetalia had entered the future, and its people were ready to make a truly colossal amount of money. Not to mention it kept their customer markets available ad infinitum, which was always good news.

For the act of dying illegally upon Vodinian soil, you are hereby sentenced to pay a fine of $5,000.00.

Did you hear me?!

Damn.

OOC: That's less than the RL US charges people to die . . .

LOL.

Seriously. LOL!

The following advertisement was soon heard over Vojvodinan television:

Death is inevitable. While you might be swamped by offers of prolonging your life with whatever devices, let's face the fact that these make you old, ugly, wrinkly, and artificial. Plus, you have to have to live for a long long time, forced to interact with your evil ex-spouses, your demanding boss, your nasty in-laws, your nagging spouse, your traitorous enemies..... sometimes all you want is to be able to end it all...

Some countries had recently banned death, but Death cannot be banned. It is inevitable.

And so, despite what others would say, you would still have to die. But your country does not permit it. What to do?

SHOOT YOUR BODY UP INTO SPACE!!!! That's right, SHOOT YOUR BODY UP INTO SPACE!!!! Now you can die whenever and wherever you want, without even your government knowing where you've gone! (However, you might be put on the missing persons list, but hey, being a missing person isn't entirely illegal.)

The BodySpaceShooter is a economical way to cheat life and your government. The BodySpaceShooter is composed of a transparent fabric jacket that you can wear anywhere, and a special patented small lightweight tank carrying high-end fuel that can propel you to outer space! Operation is as easy as one-two-three! When you feel like dying, strap the jacket onto yourself, twist the ergonomically-designed knob at the bottom of the tank, and press the big red button. Voilà! You can now die during your ascent, or in outer space. How cool is that! You look down upon your hapless countrymen who can't even die!

Anybody can operate the BodySpaceShooter. Men, women, children, and elderly can operate one. Just strap, twist, and press. Strap, twist and press. It's that easy!

Call right now and you'll receive not one, but two BodySpaceShooters. Now you can die together with your loved one, or strap two BodySpaceShooters on your body so you can be instantly buried on other planets! Amazing!

The BodySpaceShooter can be yours with the amazing low low price of only $59.95. Call 555-0000 to order your very own BodySpaceShooter right now.

But as a special introductory offer, we've ben authorized to slash $10 off the purchase price, bringing the price to the amazing low low price of only $49.95.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Call within the next 10 minutes and you'll also receive the EyeOpener™. When you died unexpectedly, just put the EyeOpener™ on your eyes, and they'll think you're still alive! Then when worn, the EyeOpener™ can activate your BodySpaceShooter via remote control and blast you into space! A $10 value ABSOLUTELY FREE!!

You'll die, eventually. So to escape those prohibitions and nasty fines, order BodySpaceShooter right now. Call 555-0000 right now. That's 5-5-5-0-0-0-0. CALL NOW!

"Our competitors may say that certain things are inevitable, but since when has that ever stopped Cogent Laboratories from showing them a thing or two?"

"People said that we couldn't develop a strong artificial intelligence. They were proven wrong, even if there were several...hurdles...along the way. Let's just say that's a weekend nobody will forget! Or, take our work in northern New Vetalia. When we arrived there, it was a wild, untamed jungle completely impassable to human exploration. By the time we were done, it was completely deforested and converted in to an easily navigable wasteland, perfect for mining and oil production. Next time your computer doesn't try to kill you or your bionic implant goes the extra mile to meet your performance needs, say a little thanks to the Cogent Laboratories Thinking Machines Testing Division, or...CLTMTD!"

"In fact, for those of you considering our competitors' products, you might be interested in knowing that we are capable of modifying third-party BodySpaceShooters with a Cogent Laboratories Computer-Aided Tracking Device, allowing you to track your loved ones in the event that you want them back here on Earth for future resuscitation. Get back here, Grampa, you're not leaving your bills for us to pay! All of our devices are 100% safe, and most importantly they can be implanted no questions asked, giving you the privacy you need to make those tough enhancement decisions. NO QUESTIONS ASKED!""

"Visit a Cogent showroom today and receive a free 25% discount on your first bionic implant! Get two procedures done on the same day and you'll get a 50% discount on the third! 50 PERCENT! And that doesn't include the free refreshments provided at both our inpatient and outpatient servicing rooms, the Tasha the Telomere plush toy or the complimentary hot towels! And yes, we do carry the latest series of ABS athletic artificial hearts."

"Cogent: Leading the world on the march of progress since 1959! Call 101-0011 today!"

"What an intruiging way of making money... If only I passed identical laws in Tokyoni, and wrote the names of people I disliked in my Death Note... Just think how fast the state treasury would grow."

Once more, an aired commercial is proven to be in the Vojvodina-Nihon televisions.

"This time, Death himself, is now ready to be interviewed!" says the interviewer.
it's true, people, Death is in the television! You want to know what he said?
"Death, to you, :sniper: Arrogants human!"

"What happened to your job here, Death? After the government ban death?"

"Ugh, I didn't get any wages anymore from God, ya know? I now must use dead slave to farm! To make me still alive!"

"Eh, Death, isn't you are already dead?"

"Um yeah, but... Hey, have you never heard zombies?"

[End of interview]

OOC. more adverts, lol[/ooc]

Needing those expensive bionics, tired of malfunctioning prosthetics, afraid of surgeries, opposed to living an artificial life, forced to live with people you don't like, all because you are not allowed to die? Then STOP!

Introducing the BodySpaceShooter! With this device, you can now freely die and escape the consequences! With it patented simple technology, it can shoot you up into space as you are dying! What a death scene!

The BodySpaceShooter is composed of a comfortable transparent fabric jacket that you can wear anywhere, and a small tank that can propel you into space. Operation is as easy as one-two-three! Put the jacket on, twist the knob at the bottom of the tank, and press the big bright red button, and you're off the your free death and space!

Don't be fooled by other products, they only want you to live, so you will be always be dependent on their expensive products and machines. Plus, you will still have to deal with your annoying mother-in-law!

Don't believe others who say that they will modify the device to track you, they can't*. Their goal is to resuscitate you (if they are even able to), be fined, and be sent to jail! How disgusting! And again, they will make you dependent on their expensive products and machines!

Save money, be free, order the BodySpaceShooter right now! Order the BodySpaceShooter for only $59.95. That's right, $59.95! Call 555-0000 right now!

*There is intense solar irradiation, which can destroy the body and the devices. Also, the body will be destroyed on exit and reentry.

A SURPRISING NEWS!!

God and Death has planned to sue the Vojvodina-Nihon to 'abuse their right to take people life'.

Expect more details as our reporter find more news!!