Alfegos
18-12-2007, 22:11
Fed up of your enemy being a downright NOOB? Wish you had something to evict them?
Then N00BiT3K can help you! Using a wide range of products, we can remove those pests from your thread in a flash!
Also selling: Random stuff
________________________________
Our Catalogue
1) Mild
2) Moderate
3) Strong
4) Extra Strong
5) Ultra Powerful
________________________________
1) MILD
- IGNORE ammunition
For whenever your enemy uses weapons that just don't exist in your time period, then this can help! Each round is made lovingly by our procrastinating workers, who put off doing these rounds just for you. Tipped with a 100mg charge of logic, even one round can knock some sense into your enemy.
Comes with infinite range and infinite damage. Come in all calibres, from .177 up to 800mm artillery.
Price - Whatever you've got in your back pocket for a user-specified amount
- IGNORE armour
If your enemy keeps killing your men, without your consent, buy the IGNORE armour: protects all your men until you say so. Comes with built in conservative estimator. Made from 15-layer kevlar impregnated with logic strands.
Price - A wad of used chewing gum per set.
2) MODERATE
- Generic N00K
Comes with an undefined warhead yield and undefined systems. Therefore, just a generic N00K. Designed to be launch on the scale of millions.
Cost - $18^3
- Dictionary
For throwing.
Cost - A couple of cents
3) STRONG
- LOL Grenade
When thrown by your soldier, a LOL grenade runs on its 5 second fuse before detonating in a massive storm of LOL. If it does not crash the server, the LOLs degnerate into smiley radiation, that contaminates the player, making them post smilies even in IC posts.
Cost - 1 metre of ROFL in size 16 font
- IC Guide
A handheld detector, it allows the player to distinguish between IC, OOC, SIC and other forms of post in the forum. Helps to stop confusion in N00Bish posts.
Cost - Explain to me in a telegram what the different types of post are.
4) EXTRA STRONG
- Anticheese
A dark piece of antimatter, anticheese is taken from the holes within cheese. It is stored in containment films similar in structure to hole-filled cheese, with a square metre of film having an equivalent yield of a 100Kt of TNT.
Cost - The equivalent amount of stilton cheese
5) ULTRA POWERFUL
- ICHU energy cannon
The ICHU energy cannon is a stable in those countries that are the targets of international NOOBism. Powered by pesto/antipesto reactions, the cannon directs a laser beam operating at 20 terajoules through a shard of the "Last Good Idea", an extremely rare thing of which only 80 shards are thought to be in existance, after the first great N00B shattered it.
The weapon has 3 different modes:
1) Standard Mode
A beam of apathy is projected from the weapon onto the target, causing the enemy to be completely apathetic to all circumstances, stopping them from reposting.
2) Dictionary Filter
The beam is reflected through the onboard library through at least 120 good books, including encylopaedias aplenty. This hopefully clears up the enemy spelling.
3) Flame filter
In case of a forum fire, the beam is passed through a Chuckle(TM) filter and a fire engine, that is guarenteed to at least quench a forum fire.
Cost - A lot
- MODERATOR beacon
The moderator beacon is an emergency system that can be carried in any decent generic tank. When activated, it sends a powerful signal through the entire JOLT server system, alerting the demi-gods that are Moderators. When they come down, the shutdown of the thread is inevitable. A last resort.
Cost - A half-decent computer
The Deluxe "Hypocrasy" System (reccomended by Skibereen)
For 2007 nations with spamtastic post counts, who supposedly only post spam. Runs on a tin of the afforementioned substance. Used to vent the anger of older nations on younder nations.
Cost - What Skibereen says
__________________________
Any more suggestions are welcome!
Then N00BiT3K can help you! Using a wide range of products, we can remove those pests from your thread in a flash!
Also selling: Random stuff
________________________________
Our Catalogue
1) Mild
2) Moderate
3) Strong
4) Extra Strong
5) Ultra Powerful
________________________________
1) MILD
- IGNORE ammunition
For whenever your enemy uses weapons that just don't exist in your time period, then this can help! Each round is made lovingly by our procrastinating workers, who put off doing these rounds just for you. Tipped with a 100mg charge of logic, even one round can knock some sense into your enemy.
Comes with infinite range and infinite damage. Come in all calibres, from .177 up to 800mm artillery.
Price - Whatever you've got in your back pocket for a user-specified amount
- IGNORE armour
If your enemy keeps killing your men, without your consent, buy the IGNORE armour: protects all your men until you say so. Comes with built in conservative estimator. Made from 15-layer kevlar impregnated with logic strands.
Price - A wad of used chewing gum per set.
2) MODERATE
- Generic N00K
Comes with an undefined warhead yield and undefined systems. Therefore, just a generic N00K. Designed to be launch on the scale of millions.
Cost - $18^3
- Dictionary
For throwing.
Cost - A couple of cents
3) STRONG
- LOL Grenade
When thrown by your soldier, a LOL grenade runs on its 5 second fuse before detonating in a massive storm of LOL. If it does not crash the server, the LOLs degnerate into smiley radiation, that contaminates the player, making them post smilies even in IC posts.
Cost - 1 metre of ROFL in size 16 font
- IC Guide
A handheld detector, it allows the player to distinguish between IC, OOC, SIC and other forms of post in the forum. Helps to stop confusion in N00Bish posts.
Cost - Explain to me in a telegram what the different types of post are.
4) EXTRA STRONG
- Anticheese
A dark piece of antimatter, anticheese is taken from the holes within cheese. It is stored in containment films similar in structure to hole-filled cheese, with a square metre of film having an equivalent yield of a 100Kt of TNT.
Cost - The equivalent amount of stilton cheese
5) ULTRA POWERFUL
- ICHU energy cannon
The ICHU energy cannon is a stable in those countries that are the targets of international NOOBism. Powered by pesto/antipesto reactions, the cannon directs a laser beam operating at 20 terajoules through a shard of the "Last Good Idea", an extremely rare thing of which only 80 shards are thought to be in existance, after the first great N00B shattered it.
The weapon has 3 different modes:
1) Standard Mode
A beam of apathy is projected from the weapon onto the target, causing the enemy to be completely apathetic to all circumstances, stopping them from reposting.
2) Dictionary Filter
The beam is reflected through the onboard library through at least 120 good books, including encylopaedias aplenty. This hopefully clears up the enemy spelling.
3) Flame filter
In case of a forum fire, the beam is passed through a Chuckle(TM) filter and a fire engine, that is guarenteed to at least quench a forum fire.
Cost - A lot
- MODERATOR beacon
The moderator beacon is an emergency system that can be carried in any decent generic tank. When activated, it sends a powerful signal through the entire JOLT server system, alerting the demi-gods that are Moderators. When they come down, the shutdown of the thread is inevitable. A last resort.
Cost - A half-decent computer
The Deluxe "Hypocrasy" System (reccomended by Skibereen)
For 2007 nations with spamtastic post counts, who supposedly only post spam. Runs on a tin of the afforementioned substance. Used to vent the anger of older nations on younder nations.
Cost - What Skibereen says
__________________________
Any more suggestions are welcome!