NationStates Jolt Archive

Greetings, Believers and wicked sinners! Satan, and his horde of monstrous demonic beings have attacked our nation. We therefore have moblised the Shield and Sword of the Lord to fight them. Cyrrently, we are holding our own against the foe. We have sustained damage, it is true, however our foe is not armed as well as we are.
Presently as we speak, volunteer forces of Believers are entering the gates of hell on a suicide mission to detonate nuclear explosives. These Martyrs will be remembered forever for their noble and selfless acts of courage. Know, Brave Martyrs, that God sees your deeds and you will spend in Eternity in the benelovent, loving Heaven of our Father who art in Heaven.
Forever afterwards, today shall be a holiday for all of DoubleWideville and for the entire community of faith of the DoubleWidevillian Fundementalist Baptist Church. By official decree of the Pontifix Maximus and Emperor David the II, confirmed by the Ministerial Council and the Council of Laity, December 15th is now official Martyr Day, to be celebrated by all DoubleWidevillians by solemn vigils and prayers.
The terrible sacrafice of these Martyrs will buy DoubleWideville the oppurtunity and time to begin a new crusade against Satan. The Lord has chosen our nation to do battle with the god of this world, and to lead all Believers in this brave crusade. As we mop up the various preternatural creatures who have attacked us, let it be known these sacrafices were not in vain. The Lord God has chosen us to not only fight the Evil One, but in His time, conquer Hell and kill Satan.
Come what may, I remind our people to remember that our Master's Kingdom is not of this world. We will suffer, and many will die, but we know an eternal reward awaits the Martyrs and the brave warriors of DoubleWideville.This war will take a generation, but the hour of open conflict with Satan has arrived. We thank Our Lord for the privledge of fighting the good fight and sharing in both the sacrafice and glory of His Coming Kingdom.
As I sing off, I would like to ask Believers everywhere for a moment of silensce.Let us never forget the terrible price these men and women have paid, given the life of thefew for the many. We swear to God and before men to honor your memoried both in our hearts and our deeds. We promise not to fail you, or let your sacrafice be in vain. We will finish what you have started, and with courage and faith kill Satan and destroy Hell. We swear it by your blood and by our faith and trust in our Lord Jesus Christ. Amen!

Official Statement from the Republic of Hell

The Republic of Hell is pleased to say that the entire press release from the nation of DoubleWideVille is made up of lies and falsehoods. Our demons are spreading terror and drenching the cities of the nation in blood as I speak; far from being poorly equipped, our warriors are equipped with every kind of weapon possible including weapons that you pitiful mortals haven't discovered how to use yet, like beams of directed plasma, antimatter bombs, and black magic. We have successfully leveled most of the mountains within DoubleWideVille into valleys, and have converted all sources of water to blood, in accordance with obscure decrees; we have infected the nation's cattle with boils, spread poison frogs across the land, cast the nation into darkness, deployed locusts to ravage the nation's crops, and slain all of its first-born. More so, the "martyrs" and their nuclear weapons alike were immediately immolated in the fires of Hell, and reborn as demons to use their nuclear weapons against DoubleWideVille itself.

At this point, cut the music so I can laugh evilly.

Thanks. Chorus, please.

[To backdrop of "oo-oo-oos"] Nations of the world! Hear the leader of DoubleWideVille. Join this crusade; pledge your legions to fight against my demonic hordes. You'll all die, and not particularly gloriously. I have more demons, imps, devils, ghouls, vampires, werewolves, dragons, ogres, trolls, pixies, goblins, hobgoblins, hellhounds, beasts of portent, monsters, and giants under my command than there are people on your puny little planet. And for every one of you that perishes in battle against Hell, you shall be reborn as one of them. Nukes don't hurt us, they make us stronger; fire fought with fire just makes more fire. We're the hellions, the hellcats, the hellfolk, of heeeeelllllll! Exit music!

[drumroll] Bwahahahahaha (et cetera)

[exit music resumes; solo: baritone sax] Demons and trolls and goblins and elves and hellhounds and imps and devils and werewolves and ghosts and creatures and demons again.... of heeellllllll! [Ba-boom tchhh!] Thank you, thank you.

-- S. H. L. Satan
(full name: Samuel Hill Lucifer Satan)
President of the Republic of Hell
The Devil
The Enemy
The Fallen Angel
The Wanderer
Lord of the Flies
(etc.)

OOC: I should totally sell Armageddon! The Musical. It'll be a hit, or at least an entertaining flop!