NationStates Jolt Archive

Greetins, Believers and demon deceived millions! This is the Pontifix Maximus and Emperor of the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville. We have some exciting news to share with both the Heaven bound Saints of God and those whom will serve as cordwood for the eternal fires of Hell.
To combat the Influence of Satan and the his armies of imps, succubuses, incubus, fiends, devils and demons of every kind, we the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville have started turning out battlefield excorcists to support the Shield and Sword of the Lord in their struggle against Satan's lackeys of evil. These trained students are equipped to bind demons and force them out of the bodies of Satan's puppets. This is good news for the people of the world.
Your governments have lied to you. Hell does exist and so do demons. Our nation has discovered the location of Hell, and have been engaging in combat locally against demons.
Hell is located many, many miles under the Earth. It
isa sulphorous region, of eternal darkness, unspeakable evil and suffering. Our nation has had to deal with the assaults of demonic beings who are intent on killing our people and enslaving the Saints

OOC: You unleashed Hell ...? Good job, newbie ... :lol:

OOC: I really can't tell whether this guy is kidding, or whether he is really some sort of Fundie that believes in daemons. On an aside, apparently the spelling "daemon" is frowned upon in english class.

OOC: I really can't tell whether this guy is kidding, or whether he is really some sort of Fundie that believes in daemons. On an aside, apparently the spelling "daemon" is frowned upon in english class.

Hello, Believers and Hellbound! Again, the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville is having to deal with demonic attack from Hell. We know this is because Satan is afraid of the TRUTH that the DoubleWidevillian Fundementalist Baptist Church teaches. However, the matter has become quite serious. Citizens of our Righteous and Holy nation have been abducted by these demons, and dragged down to their lairs in Hell! As such, we are calling forth all Believers and Christian nations to join us in an expedition down to Hell to kill these demons and rescue God's Chosen.
After deep prayer in our national chapel, and the approval of the Ministerial Council and the affirmation of the Council of Laity, we have decided to engage Satan and his demons in combat, of the purposes of sealing Hell off from DoubleWideville.
We call on All Believers to join us in this Holy War. Join us, God's Chosen, in rescuing your brothers and sisters in Christ from the scaly hands of Satan and his demons! Together, with our faith in Jesus, we will vanquish Satan's minions and rescue our dear brothers and sisters in Christ!

OOC: Obviously that answers the question. Carry on, DWV

Official Statement from the Republic of Hell

Good evening.

You've probably heard of me. I have a lot of names -- Shaitan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Fallen One, The Enemy. I am the longest-serving president of the Republic of Hell and I'm here to tell you this.

We down here in Hell are greatly misunderstood. We are always accused of torturing damned souls; letting evil demons and creatures loose upon the planet; tempting people into sin; causing war, famine, pestilence, and death; challenging the supreme authority of God; et cetera. First of all, always remember that without us most of your religions would go to pot. "Do good or you'll burn in hell forever!" loses its potency when Hell isn't around anymore. Do you want your streets running rampant with crime and immorality just because there aren't any bad guys to call up to deal with it?

Second of all: Complaints about cattle mutilation, abductions, plagues and the like are completely unwarranted. As Hell is a free and highly populous nation, we cannot control our citizens or prevent them from taking vacations elsewhere. Indeed, to do such a thing would be wrong, and violates God-given individual rights. You may say that's the point, but well, you are of dubious parentage and your visage is far from comely.

Third of all: We are underappreciated for the necessary services we provide. Do you know how many fiends, devils, demons, incubi, succubi, imps, hellhounds, beasts of portent, ghouls, ghosts, monsters, swamp things, evil shadows with no souls, zombies, and tax collectors my Surface Service employs? Too many, that's how many. All going around just to lead innocent citizens into temptation, commit acts of immorality, and keep the world in steady supply of robberies, abortions, and natural disasters. Do you know how difficult it is to convince gay men to get married while sacrificing babies at midnight on Samhain in the middle of a pentagram? You try being Satan for a few weeks and tell me how that goes over.

Fourth: You guys keep bothering us. Not too long ago in our terms an individual known as 'The Unspeakable One' transported his entire nation down here. And we're getting a constant stream of sinners and evildoers to punish and classify, sent here by your arbitrary religious beliefs. Last time I talked to God, a few million years back, He commented that He wouldn't like to have my job. Is it any wonder, given that you guys keep invading our space, that some of us decide to go visit your world? There are almost more humans down here than we have demons, devils, imps, wizards, and fiends put together!

And come Revelation I'm going to be cast into a lake of eternal fire, too. I say it can't happen soon enough if it means I'll be rid of you bastards.

Respectfully,
Satan
The Devil
Lord of the Flies
Legion
The Old Enemy
The Fallen Angel
The Wanderer
Emperor of Hell
High Prince of Hell
Grand Duke of Hell
Supreme President of Hell
Overlord of Hell
Distributor of Bad Porn
(etc.)

(ooc- well, that was interesting...)

Official Statement from the Republic of Hell

Good evening.

You've probably heard of me. I have a lot of names -- Shaitan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, The Fallen One, The Enemy. I am the longest-serving president of the Republic of Hell and I'm here to tell you this.

We down here in Hell are greatly misunderstood. We are always accused of torturing damned souls; letting evil demons and creatures loose upon the planet; tempting people into sin; causing war, famine, pestilence, and death; challenging the supreme authority of God; et cetera. First of all, always remember that without us most of your religions would go to pot. "Do good or you'll burn in hell forever!" loses its potency when Hell isn't around anymore. Do you want your streets running rampant with crime and immorality just because there aren't any bad guys to call up to deal with it?

Second of all: Complaints about cattle mutilation, abductions, plagues and the like are completely unwarranted. As Hell is a free and highly populous nation, we cannot control our citizens or prevent them from taking vacations elsewhere. Indeed, to do such a thing would be wrong, and violates God-given individual rights. You may say that's the point, but well, you are of dubious parentage and your visage is far from comely.

Third of all: We are underappreciated for the necessary services we provide. Do you know how many fiends, devils, demons, incubi, succubi, imps, hellhounds, beasts of portent, ghouls, ghosts, monsters, swamp things, evil shadows with no souls, zombies, and tax collectors my Surface Service employs? Too many, that's how many. All going around just to lead innocent citizens into temptation, commit acts of immorality, and keep the world in steady supply of robberies, abortions, and natural disasters. Do you know how difficult it is to convince gay men to get married while sacrificing babies at midnight on Samhain in the middle of a pentagram? You try being Satan for a few weeks and tell me how that goes over.

Fourth: You guys keep bothering us. Not too long ago in our terms an individual known as 'The Unspeakable One' transported his entire nation down here. And we're getting a constant stream of sinners and evildoers to punish and classify, sent here by your arbitrary religious beliefs. Last time I talked to God, a few million years back, He commented that He wouldn't like to have my job. Is it any wonder, given that you guys keep invading our space, that some of us decide to go visit your world? There are almost more humans down here than we have demons, devils, imps, wizards, and fiends put together!

And come Revelation I'm going to be cast into a lake of eternal fire, too. I say it can't happen soon enough if it means I'll be rid of you bastards.

Respectfully,
Satan
The Devil
Lord of the Flies
Legion
The Old Enemy
The Fallen Angel
The Wanderer
Emperor of Hell
High Prince of Hell
Grand Duke of Hell
Supreme President of Hell
Overlord of Hell
Distributor of Bad Porn
(etc.)


The oofficial response from the Holy and righteous Empire of DoubleWideville is as follows:

1) Our Creation Scientists, as well as other learned scholars have studied these transmissions. We have conferred with the Word of God, and have found this message to be authentic, and not as many thought, the insane drivel of a demented brain.

2) We take this as an attempt by Satan to communicate with the holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville. As such, we do not accept Satan's attempt to explain his evil actions, nor do we buy the excuses ofthe Prince of Darkness.

3) We reiterate our plans to invade Hell and rescue our people. By Satan's own admission, he has many of our people down in his diabolical clutches, and the Evil One admits to invading the world above.

4) Satan also says he has no intention of keeping his demons, devilos, hellhounds, imps, succubi, incubus, ghost, goblins, hobgoblins and other diabolical creatures in hell where they belong. qoute " As Hell is a free and highly populous nation, we cannot control our citizens or prevent them from taking vacations elsewhere. Indeed, to do such a thing would be wrong, and violates God-given individual rightsEndqoute.

5) We therefore declare war on Satan, and will be dispatching our military to kill the said demons, devils, imps, succubi, incubus, goblins, hobgoblins, zombies, vampires, werewolves and other preternatural demonic creatures. Experience has taught us YOU CAN DIE, and we have the weapons, the Faith and the numbers to make you ruye the day you ever invaded the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville.

6) The problem of the sodomites has been discovered. Satan admits to not only encouraging this deviant behaviour, butr also witchcraft and occultism, capital crimes in the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville. He admits this in his letter from the republic of Hell. The salient extracted material says Qoute "Do you know how difficult it is to convince gay men to get married while sacrificing babies at midnight on Samhain in the middle of a pentagram? " EndQoute. This admission clears up many matters for us.

7) We therefore are mobilizing 20 Fists of the Shield and Sword of the Lord and the entire Special Forces Teams of the Siccari and The Zealots for a cordinated attack on Hell. We alos have given full authorization for the use of nuclear devices, which we will use in Hell to kill Satan (God willing) and his armies of fiends!

PRAISE!

To: The Holy Emporer of Doublewideville
From: Precentor Martial Bradley
Time: XXXX

::General Warning::

Holy Emporer, our own public and government scientists have conducted many studies of the inside of the Earth and know your own science to be utterly flawwed. No part of the government will believe your nonsense, and in a recent poll, 92% of the General population did not believe you either. 41% of the people who voted within that poll were registered as Atheist, Agnostic, or Non-Religion

Although, Jinos does not take particular care in what grand delusions you fill the minds of your people with. Know now, that any of these 'students' will be turned down at our border and international airports and sent back to your country...or thrown into the sea. Also, any citizens of Doublewideville here on temporary status (not citizens of Jinos) will be immediatly deported from our country (not including refugee's rescued from your hating clutches).

Jinos wants none of your extremist Christian dogma.

Be warned as well, any attempt to use any sort of ICBM Nuclear Missile (or in fact, any ICBM) will be shot down by a localized orbital missile defense satalite during their Mid-course phase.

Signed,

-Precentor Martial Bradley

|Official Faxanavian Communique|
In the ongoing Faxanavian war on idiocy, 200 C-130 bombers will be deployed over your nation to drop books on modern sciences, evolution, and books which attempt to disprove religion. Blind religious practice, which has been classified as level 2 idiocy, will not be accepted where such practices can be wiped out. In this way, we hope to make the world a better place.

Respectfully yours,
Ivansky Bochick
Prime Minister


|Official Communication of the Most Holy Church of His Lord, Faxanavia|
We of the Most Holy Church of His Lord greet you in DoubleWideville. We are happy to hear of DoubleWideville's plans to destroy Satan. We will happily donate all of our savings ($6.75 and some lint) to help support your cause.

May the lord be with you,
The Most Honorable, Respectable, and Right Awesome Reverend Josiah Friedland, esq.

The oofficial response from the Holy and righteous Empire of DoubleWideville is as follows:

1) Our Creation Scientists, as well as other learned scholars have studied these transmissions. We have conferred with the Word of God, and have found this message to be authentic, and not as many thought, the insane drivel of a demented brain.

2) We take this as an attempt by Satan to communicate with the holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville. As such, we do not accept Satan's attempt to explain his evil actions, nor do we buy the excuses ofthe Prince of Darkness.

3) We reiterate our plans to invade Hell and rescue our people. By Satan's own admission, he has many of our people down in his diabolical clutches, and the Evil One admits to invading the world above.

4) Satan also says he has no intention of keeping his demons, devilos, hellhounds, imps, succubi, incubus, ghost, goblins, hobgoblins and other diabolical creatures in hell where they belong. qoute " As Hell is a free and highly populous nation, we cannot control our citizens or prevent them from taking vacations elsewhere. Indeed, to do such a thing would be wrong, and violates God-given individual rightsEndqoute.

5) We therefore declare war on Satan, and will be dispatching our military to kill the said demons, devils, imps, succubi, incubus, goblins, hobgoblins, zombies, vampires, werewolves and other preternatural demonic creatures. Experience has taught us YOU CAN DIE, and we have the weapons, the Faith and the numbers to make you ruye the day you ever invaded the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville.

6) The problem of the sodomites has been discovered. Satan admits to not only encouraging this deviant behaviour, butr also witchcraft and occultism, capital crimes in the Holy and Righteous Empire of DoubleWideville. He admits this in his letter from the republic of Hell. The salient extracted material says Qoute "Do you know how difficult it is to convince gay men to get married while sacrificing babies at midnight on Samhain in the middle of a pentagram? " EndQoute. This admission clears up many matters for us.

7) We therefore are mobilizing 20 Fists of the Shield and Sword of the Lord and the entire Special Forces Teams of the Siccari and The Zealots for a cordinated attack on Hell. We alos have given full authorization for the use of nuclear devices, which we will use in Hell to kill Satan (God willing) and his armies of fiends!

PRAISE!

Official Statement from the Republic of Hell

So be it, mortals! But know that the demons, devils, imps, fiends, hellhounds, werewolves, vampires, zombies, incubi, succubi, goblins, hobgoblins, bugbears, elves, ghosts, ghouls, and tax collectors of Hell are more numerous than the people on Earth, let alone your pitiful nation. As you have chosen to attack us, all Hell -- quite literally -- shall be unleashed upon your nation. The Republic of Hell now wishes to take this opportunity to declare full-scale war against DoubleWideVille.

Respectfully,
Satan
The Devil
Lord of the Flies
Legion
The Old Enemy
The Fallen Angel
The Wanderer
Emperor of Hell
High Prince of Hell
Grand Duke of Hell
Supreme President of Hell
Overlord of Hell
Distributor of Bad Porn
(etc.)


***

Night.

Eternal night, now. Across DoubleWideVille the sun had set for the last time. The air was thick and ominous; heavy fog and clouds covered the land, and a vague atmosphere of fear began to spread across the nation. It was a portent, and the people trembled, and prayed to God for deliverance. The crickets and cicadas fell silent; the animals of the night -- mice, bats, owls -- retreated to their lairs in trepidation; the streets of the cities became deserted.

Then there was a horrible grating noise. There became visible in the eerie darkness a gate ten thousand feet high; a gate where no gate rightfully stood. Engraved upon the top in letters the size of buses were the words, "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE." The gates of Hell. Visible across the nation, the gate appeared first in the capital. Closed, but from behind it one could see a pure white light streaming through the cracks; the only source of light in all the land. The noise grew from a dull rumble to a mighty roar, louder than the loudest jet engine or rock concert. The light became blinding; it was the only thing that stood out against the darkness.

The gates opened.

Silhouettes began to emerge. Some of them smaller than men; some of them far, far larger; all dwarfed by the massive gates. They emerged in a vast host; their faces and bodies were ugly enough to make a man go insane. There were beings that looked like eagles, but were not eagles; there were giants and trolls; there was every kind of demon, devil, goblin, vampire, werewolf, imp, pixie, bugbear, ghoul, necromancer, sorcerer, ogre, and witch known to mankind, and many more that had not shown their foul faces since the Fall; there were serpents the size of a small city; there were many creatures, all great and terrible and inspiring fear.

And they just kept coming.

They swept down upon the cities and massacred everything in sight. They drenched the streets in blood and reveled in the sacrifice. They laid waste to the landscape, the giants smashing mountains into dust with huge clubs, liberated from their prisons under the ground by the fearsome power of the Enemy. There were earthquakes, and floods, and cyclones, and heavy hail. There was the sound of a trumpet.

[To be continued after dinner.]

Fortress Storm, Alkaylan Mountain Range - Communications Bunker

"Uh, sir, you might wanna take a look at this."

The Colonel in charge of the small communications bunker walked over, pissed. He was just about to finish up his vodka. Damn newbies.

"What is it?", the Colonel said in his gruff voice.

"Well, Comrade Colonel, our SS-19 survey sattelite over DoubleWideVille has detected large amounts of movement and unnatural occurences of numerous tsunamis, earthquakes, and other phenomenon."

The Colonel, through the vodka haze, managed to recollect his thoughts.

"Eh, DoubleWideVille, those crazy religious fanatics? The ones who declared war on Hell?"

"Yes, comrade sir."

The Colonel laughed out loud. "Religion is more humorous then capitalism. Perhaps these fools are finally being invaded by some sensible beings."

He grabbed his vodka bottle from his desk. "Thank God, Jesus, Allah, or whoever his listening!". He took a huge swig, then sat in his seat for a nap.

"Oh, and Private?"

The private looked up nervously. "Yes, comrade sir?"

"Broadcast this message on any available channels: "Comrades, thank you. We owe you a few shots of vodka. Redeemable when you so choose."

He then fell asleep.

Official Statement from the Republic of Hell

So be it, mortals! But know that the demons, devils, imps, fiends, hellhounds, werewolves, vampires, zombies, incubi, succubi, goblins, hobgoblins, bugbears, elves, ghosts, ghouls, and tax collectors of Hell are more numerous than the people on Earth, let alone your pitiful nation. As you have chosen to attack us, all Hell -- quite literally -- shall be unleashed upon your nation. The Republic of Hell now wishes to take this opportunity to declare full-scale war against DoubleWideVille.

Respectfully,
Satan
The Devil
Lord of the Flies
Legion
The Old Enemy
The Fallen Angel
The Wanderer
Emperor of Hell
High Prince of Hell
Grand Duke of Hell
Supreme President of Hell
Overlord of Hell
Distributor of Bad Porn
(etc.)

To, this Satan,

I am contacting you on behalf of the Path of the Blessed. You claim to be the High Prince of this place called Hell, where is such place?
In your last statement, you mentioned all the things you supposedly do, our best scholars have determined these to be lies, as, have they determined, is your description of your location. After much consideration, we have determined your statements as heresy, which will not be tolerated. Make an official retraction now, or face the consequences. May the Great Bob be with you.

Signed,
Prior Jones,
The Great Monastery of Sverð

The Dominion of Ruthless Slaughter has consulted its Intelligence experts and has come up with a perfect strategy to combat the forces of Hell. If they are located deep in the Earth, a preemptive strike through a secret attack tunnel would be the best choice. You should also drill it right near your Capitol building so that it is close to where your priests and clerics are. Just keep going until you hit the Earth's core, and you should be fine.

Regards,
President R.L.
Commander in Chief, Dominion Defense Forces
Co-Chairman, United Defense Directorate

P.S.,
Hope you don't mind the heat and magma!

What an excellent example of fear-inducing propaganda! We hear of these battles between good and evil and when we investigate, no evidence exists for the claims we have heard. Although we do believe that such battles do occur, they have not occurred here as advertised.

I wonder if both the "evil" nation and the "good" nation are in cahoots to control their citizenry through fear by inventing a non-existent battle?!?

Oh but do continue! We enjoy a good case of propaganda!