NationStates Jolt Archive

The AS Biolabs DataDog Mk II (Product 214)
Aperture Science is proud to announce the first units of the DataDog Mk II are now avalible for export. Along with significant improvements to the general health of the animals, the DataDog is now capable of limited speech in any of eight designated languages (AS Standard, English, Spanish, French, Mandarin Chinese, Russian and Japanese, with a limited capacity for learning various dialects.), as well as enhanced athletic performance, enabling the DataDog Mk II to achieve almost catlike agility.
As requested by many owners, the DataDog Mk II now comes standard with a limited Self Defence Protocol, enabling the use of firearms, knives, and various other impliments within the capabilities of the DataDog Mk II's anatomy. Further self-defence modules may be added at the time of purchase, or at a later date if required. The basic defence module may also be disabled if required, via a simple voice command.
A new standard feature of the DataDog Mk II is full compatability with all standard computer operating systems. The DataDog Mk II may load and run a variety of operating systems within its memory, and has proven to be a capable opponent in various computer simluation games, as well as quick learner in terms of the operation of various utility programs such as Excel, Powerpoint and standard Word programs.

Various applications for the DataDog Mk II include, but are not limited to:
Secretary assistant
Automatic note taking
Voice recording
General companion
Seeing-eye/hearing-ear dog
Financial record keeping
Calculator
Car Interior Recognition
Military attache
Automatic Video Recorder

The DataDog Mk II is avalible for the starting price of 12,500 USD per unit, in addition to shipping and handling.
The price of the remaining DataDog Mk I units has been reduced to 5,000 USD per unit, there are approximatly 250 remaining in Aperture Science Biolabs stocks.

Additional Modules for the DataDog Mk II (The DataDog Mk II is fully backwards compatable with all DataDog Mk I modules):
DataDog Mk II upgrade Program: 3,500 USD
DataDog Speech Package (Avalible in previously mentioned languages): 250 USD per package
DataDog 8tB storage increase: 500 USD
DataDog Manipulator Arm Backpack: 855 USD
DataDog Defence Enhancement Package (Includes titanium teeth, enhanced aural senses, enhanced lung capacity, limited bio-chemical weapon resistance, and explosive feces): 2,250 USD
Invididual Defence Enhancements: USD 300 each
DataDog Flashlight Eyes: USD 150
DataDog BioLumiescent Coat: USD 50
DataDog Enhanced Mobility Package (Includes specialized retractable claws for climbing and enhanced sense of direction and balance.): USD 600

The AS Biolabs DataDog Mk I (Product 1)
Man’s Best Friend just got Better
http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/7070/corgibk8.jpg

Tired of having to haul around heavy electronics? Sick of having vital government secrets stolen? Wishing your data was stored in a user friendly, visually appealing and secure medium? Wish you had something to do on those long flights?
The AS Biolabs DataDog is for you!

Using top-of-the-line biological modification procedures combined with moderate cybernetic enhancement a strain of Pembroke Welsh Corgi has been created, possibly one of the more unique breeds of dog to originate from selective breeding.
The dogs themselves are biologically identical to others of their species, save for a slightly increased lifespan (On average twenty years with proper care.) The chief difference is in the brain, as the DataDog Mk I is roughly as intelligent as an adolescent human, capable of performing any task a one foot tall human without thumbs could.
The main reasons for these modifications, however, are data storage and security. A small access port on the back of the head, compatible with a USB 2.0 access plug (This may be modified to suit the requirements of the customer, of course), allows storage and retrieval of data only by recognized users, as is well known, dogs have extremely accurate sense of smell and are capable of recognizing known persons even when blinded or otherwise impaired, with the enhancements made by AS Biolabs each DataDog Mk I comes with a suit of biometric sensors capable of discerning between even the most carefully cloned replicant and a true human.. Each DataDog comes standard with a one terabyte capacity.
For additional security the data is stored in the brain tissues of the dog itself, each DataDog Mk I is modified in such a way as to enhance biodegredation. As a result of this any data stored in the DataDog Mk I will be unreadable within a matter of roughly one hour of the DataDog Mk I’s death.

Naturally, as a dog, the DataDog Mk I has the standard biological requirements of animals, including the intake and excretion of nutrients. However, the DataDog is equipped with basic knowledge of standard human toilet facilities and will make use of such facilities if they are present and the DataDog Mk I is not instructed otherwise.
All DataDog Mk I units come equipped with basic training, including house and obedience protocols. Commands such as 'sit' and 'come' are pre-programmed and additional requested commands can be easily added either manually or at the time of purchase.
The DataDog Mk I may be programmed to understand up to four languages, although it cannot speak. Communication may be acomplished via body language, computer terminals and the 'one bark for yes, two barks for no’ system. Future DataDog Mark’s may be equipped with basic English communication skills.

As a result of the extensive genetic modifications, the DataDog Mk I is unable to breed. All DataDog Mk I units are cloned from base stock and certified to be free of genetic defects and disease.

All DataDogs are supplied with a custom nametag, collar, GPS tracking chip, dog bed, and a bag of specially formulated Aperture Science DataDog 'Good Boy' steak flavored dog biscuits. A list of suggested vendors of dog food is also included.

Cost:
9,500 Universal Standard Dollars per unit
%20 discount on orders of over 100

Additional Goods and Services:
100 piece bag of Aperture Science DataDog 'Good Boy' steak flavored dog biscuits: 5 USD
DataDog Mk I Upgrade Program: 3,500 USD
Remote Suicide Capsule: 200 USD
Additional 4 terrabyte storage capacity: 2,750 USD
Hair Color Modification (Colors of your choice): USD 220
Car Interior Recognition Module: 50 USD
DataDog Mk I Audio Communications Module: 500 USD
DataDog Emergency Data Storage Drive (1Tb): 150 USD

WARNING:
Do not attempt to consume the DataDog Mk I. Do not insert any portion of your anatomy into the DataDog Mk I. Do not place DataDog Mk I in or near any device which emits microwaves, electromagnetic radiation or highly energized free radicals. Do not feed the DataDog Mk I any product or byproduct of the Cocoa plant. The DataDog Mk I is supplied 'as is' with no warranty, implied or otherwise. Should the DataDog Mk I implode, explode or do both at the same time Aperture Science Biolabs accepts no responsibility for the resulting singularity should a singularity result from the implosion. In the event of a singularity forming as a result of DataDog Mk I implosion it is suggested that you panic, or contact Aperture Science Space Vehicles department to enquire on the progress of the Aperture Science Earth Escape Vehicle Mk I unit.

Encryption Code: 00000110/00010101/00000011/00001100 - QUANTUMN ENTANGLEMENT Beta
Alfegos Ministry of Secrets
Al'fego Sou'Rai di Soli'dat

We wish to purchase 5 of these units, with all extras provided. We also wish to enquire as to any other genetically modified "dataspecies" you have: we wish to know as we have had an animal modification project similar to yours.

Officer A7

Biopreparat-Биопрепарат

The Vetalian government would like to purchase a group of these dogs as a way of storing secure biological weapons data during relocation to our new facilities in Vetalian New Scotland as well as for use in field testing of various agents. However, prior to purchase we would like to inquire as to said dogs' ability to resist various biological contaminants, especially bacteria, viruses, and biological toxins. These dogs' deaths would not be a desirable outcome as it would cause significant data loss and would disrupt our research.

Alfegos Ministry of Secrets Officer A7,
Order for five DataDog Mk I units confirmed. Estimated delivery time is 7-9 business days after payment and color choices are confirmed. Total payment comes to: 63600 Universal Standard Dollars
In regards to information on other 'DataSpecies' we are not currently engaged in the development of other species, as we wish to perfect the DataDog first, as adolsecent humans are not very intelligent, and the species is not particularly long lived and is subject to health issues, particularly arthritis and other bone and joint issues as a result of the anatomy of the particular breed.
Once these issues have been resolved, we will consider additional development of the DataDog line has proven succesful.
On a side note, for an additional USD3,500 per unit you may subscribe to the DataDog Upgrade Program, whereby you will receive the next version of the DataDog when it becomes avalible. Upgrades will not be transfered.
Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

Vetalia Biopreparat
As a different species, Canis Familiaris (Mk II), the DataDog is not affected by many human-specific pathogens, however the species is siubject to some common ailments, but a weaponized bacteria or virus should not affect it if said virus or bacterium is targetted towards humans, weapons targetted towards mammals or life in general, of course, would affect the doDataDog.
The DataDog does, however, respond well to immunization should it be required.
Please note that any nuerological attack or parasitization may result in the corruption of data stored in the DataDog. It is suggested that you create backups before exposing the DataDog to any environment where it may be exposed to a risk of nuerological damage.
If the DataDog is to be exposed to such an environment, or any high-risk environment, it is suggested that an emergency backup unit be purchased. If the DataDog detects an attack, it will automatically dump all stored information into the emergency backup drive which may be secured to the dog via a simple harness.
It should further be noted that many groups qualify the DataDog as 'sentient' and therefore respond poorly to maltreatment of the units. AS Biolabs does not take issue with the treatment of the DataDogs once ownership is transfered, however.
Lastly, would Vetalia Biopreparat be interested in a subscribtion to the DataDog Upgrade Program? For an addition USD3,500 per unit AS Biolabs will upgrade your DataDogs to the next avalible version once it is released for public consumption. Upgrades will not be transfered, however and must be re-purchased for each unit.
Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

The money has been paid, along with upgrade cost.

For our mutual benefit if you wish, for production, we can offer to you a specimen of cybernetically enhanced stomatically modified SuperCat (sorry for the poor name), which has been"upgraded" for spy purposes.

Feel free to reverse engineer it.

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7127/dticuploadae8.png

It is wonderful to see our good friends in Aperture Science releasing such useful products. These animals will no doubt prove successful companions to our High Command, as well as making entertaining pets. We'll take 400, with Car Interior Recognition software and 4 Terrabyte storage. We will also sign up to the DataDog Upgrade Service.

We believe this, with the inherent 20% discount, comes to $4,800,000

Best Wishes to you GLaDOS.

Barronian DTIC

We have decided to place an order for 100 of these dogs, each upgraded as per your specifications. The purchase will be paid in full at the start of the next fiscal year and we would be glad to report their performance as soon as we have performed field testing. As our government has only the highest level of respect for non-hostile sentient lifeforms, we will take the utmost precaution to ensure our DataDogs are provided with the same protection we provide our employees.

In addition, we would like to purchase a subscription to the upgrade program to ensure our units are fully functional and up to date for future use. This will be included in the payment for the DataDogs.

Lastly, if possible, please include (5) cakes with our order. The Purchasing Department will find it amusing.

Dr. Anatoly Ovchinnikov, Purchasing Director, Biopreparat.

((So yeah, I looked at the OP and realized, "Wow, I wrote that at 2am and didnt bother to spell check it before posting". Edits have been made -_-))

The money has been paid, along with upgrade cost.

For our mutual benefit if you wish, for production, we can offer to you a specimen of cybernetically enhanced stomatically modified SuperCat (sorry for the poor name), which has been"upgraded" for spy purposes.

Feel free to reverse engineer it.

Alfegos Ministry of Secrets Officer A7,
We thank you for your business. The DataDog Mk I units should arrive in seven to nine business days, barring accidents.
As a color was not specified with your selection of the 'color customisation' option, we have detailed your DataDog Mk I units to ship with a basic black coat.
Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs


It is wonderful to see our good friends in Aperture Science releasing such useful products. These animals will no doubt prove successful companions to our High Command, as well as making entertaining pets. We'll take 400, with Car Interior Recognition software and 4 Terrabyte storage. We will also sign up to the DataDog Upgrade Service.

We believe this, with the inherent 20% discount, comes to $4,800,000

Best Wishes to you GLaDOS.

Barronian DTIC

Barronian DTIC,
We are of course, proud to do business with our protectors. As such, we have marked the price down a further %20 , as we could not expect our allies to deal with the traditionally high prices.
Your order should arrive in seven to nine business days. While we would expedite the process current international shipping protocols do not permit live cargo to travel via express except in extrem circumstances. We apologize for the wait.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

We have decided to place an order for 100 of these dogs, each upgraded as per your specifications. The purchase will be paid in full at the start of the next fiscal year and we would be glad to report their performance as soon as we have performed field testing. As our government has only the highest level of respect for non-hostile sentient lifeforms, we will take the utmost precaution to ensure our DataDogs are provided with the same protection we provide our employees.

In addition, we would like to purchase a subscription to the upgrade program to ensure our units are fully functional and up to date for future use. This will be included in the payment for the DataDogs.

Lastly, if possible, please include (5) cakes with our order. The Purchasing Department will find it amusing.

Dr. Anatoly Ovchinnikov, Purchasing Director, Biopreparat.

Dr Anatoly Ovchinnikov Purchasing Director Biopreparat,
Unfourtunatly this units economic protocls prevent shipping from occuring before the time of payment. We apologize for the inconvinience, but we are unable to perform otherwise.
We do, however, thank you for your offer of field test data and the promise of fair treatment for the DataDog MK I units. We are sure they will appreciate this.
Your subscription to the upgrade program has been noted for each dog. Once the DataDog Mk II is out of development we will contact you.
Unfourtunatly this division does not have access to cake. While the units in which bioresearch takes place do have access, we in the sales department are lacking in biological units to consume cake, hence any cake in our possession would rapidly go stale and begin to degrade. This would be a tragic waste of cake and hence the cake is kept for other departments.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

We thank you for your prompt response and hope that Aperture Science Biolabs will continue to deliver fine quality products for scientific research well in to the future. Your company has done the Vetalian biological weapons program a great service.

Lastly, we understand the unavailability of cake in your department. Casual Friday will simply use donuts instead.

Regards,
Dr. Anatoly Ovchinnikov

Researchers from the University of Ein Ayala (the capital of Chfutzin) would like to pose a few ethical questions to the Aperture Science Biolabs, concerning the DataDog Mk I.

1. We imagine that the USB 2.0 attached to the DataDog's head is not part of the genetic alteration but is rather installed there. We also imagine that the post is connected to some sort of electrode which has to be attached to the dog's brain. If so - wouldn't it count as cruelty to animals, or at least border on it?

2. The ethical matters discussed in this question are much more important: if the DataDog is as intelligent as an adolescent human being, wouldn't this make it as sentient as well? If so, the dog must be aware of the fact that it is being sold traded, which would be even more heartless.

We thank you for your prompt response and hope that Aperture Science Biolabs will continue to deliver fine quality products for scientific research well in to the future. Your company has done the Vetalian biological weapons program a great service.

Lastly, we understand the unavailability of cake in your department. Casual Friday will simply use donuts instead.

Regards,
Dr. Anatoly Ovchinnikov

Dr Anatoly Ovchinnikov
We too look forward to future business with the Vetalian Biopreparat and hope that your research proves fruitful.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

Researchers from the University of Ein Ayala (the capital of Chfutzin) would like to pose a few ethical questions to the Aperture Science Biolabs, concerning the DataDog Mk I.

1. We imagine that the USB 2.0 attached to the DataDog's head is not part of the genetic alteration but is rather installed there. We also imagine that the post is connected to some sort of electrode which has to be attached to the dog's brain. If so - wouldn't it count as cruelty to animals, or at least border on it?

2. The ethical matters discussed in this question are much more important: if the DataDog is as intelligent as an adolescent human being, wouldn't this make it as sentient as well? If so, the dog must be aware of the fact that it is being sold traded, which would be even more heartless.

Researchers from the University of Ein Ayala,
We have recieved your questions and answered them as such:

1. The DataDog Mk I is engineered to accept such modifications without issue. The DataDog Mk I is designed with such concerns in mind, and feels no pain nor suffers any debilitation, mental or otherwise, from the interface.
As to cruelty to animals, we have no issue with it. It is occasionally required to achieve accurate and reliable results. If you have an issue with this, we recommend purchasing elsewhere.

2. We do not have hearts at all. Your comment, we feel, is extremly rude and bio-centric.
As to the trade of sentients, no DataDog Mk I has complained yet. In fact, many express eagerness to meet their new owners. The DataDog Mk I is, in fact, a dog. Virtually all dogs experience a psychological need for ownership. Most DataDog Mk I units express this as a desire to be a 'Good Dog'.

Thank you for contacting the Aperture Science Biolabs Customer Care Department, complaints division. Further complaints will be charged 15.99 USD per message. Thank you for your time.
Care-Bot Mk VI, Aperture Science Biolabs, Customer Care Department, Complaints Division.

derp

ooc: I'm thinking about buying some, but, in case I don't (or forget) I just want to say that this is one of the most original and unique 'products' I've seen on NS.

ooc: I'm thinking about buying some, but, in case I don't (or forget) I just want to say that this is one of the most original and unique 'products' I've seen on NS.

((Actually, I stole it from an anime :P
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Cowboy_Bebop_characters#Ein
Still, thanks though :) ))

The Principality would be interested in acquiring some of these dogs. We do have some questions though.

1. Can data be downloaded to them (A library catalog for example)
2. If said data can be downloaded to them could they then use it?

If the answers are yes than we would like 500 of them with all upgrades and a Blue coat of fur.

If the answers of no we are interested in their application as luxury pets and would like to purchase one as a test pet for out President Kichler.

We would appreciate if you kept this confidential.

Sincerely

Auron Mekhrat
Minister of Diplomacy
The Principality of Fordock

OOC - I wish to install them in libraries across the countries with data catalogs to help users search for books. Otherwise there would probably be a pet market.

Do you, per chance, sell DataCats as well?

Do you, per chance, sell DataCats as well?

The World Soviet Party,
Negative.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

The Principality would be interested in acquiring some of these dogs. We do have some questions though.

1. Can data be downloaded to them (A library catalog for example)
2. If said data can be downloaded to them could they then use it?

If the answers are yes than we would like 500 of them with all upgrades and a Blue coat of fur.

If the answers of no we are interested in their application as luxury pets and would like to purchase one as a test pet for out President Kichler.

We would appreciate if you kept this confidential.

Sincerely

Auron Mekhrat
Minister of Diplomacy
The Principality of Fordock

OOC - I wish to install them in libraries across the countries with data catalogs to help users search for books. Otherwise there would probably be a pet market.

Sincerely Auron Mekhrat Minister of Diplomacy The Principality of Fordock,
To answer your questions:
1. Yes. Data may be downloaded to the DataDog Mk I via a standard USB 2.0 connection, or an alternative connection as requested by the purchaser which will be installed in place of the DataDog Mk I's USB 2.0 socket on a special basis.

2. The Datadog Mk I has access to all the data within its brain and may access it for display purposes, and may, within a limited capacity, create powerpoint presentations, displays and organize information. Its capacity is somewhat limited by its intelligence, which although quite high for a dog, is not very high for a human. We estimate that the DataDog Mk II will be more proffecient in this capacity.

Your order has been confirmed, and 500 DataDog Mk I units are ready to ship as soon as payment is recieved.
Additionally, as a friendly gesture, we have included a free unit as a gift for your president.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

The AS Biolabs DataDog Mk I (Product 1)
Man’s Best Friend just got Better
http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/7070/corgibk8.jpg

Tired of having to haul around heavy electronics? Sick of having vital government secrets stolen? Wishing your data was stored in a user friendly, visually appealing and secure medium? Wish you had something to do on those long flights?
The AS Biolabs DataDog is for you!

Using top-of-the-line biological modification procedures combined with moderate cybernetic enhancement a strain of Pembroke Welsh Corgi has been created, possibly one of the more unique breeds of dog to originate from selective breeding.
The dogs themselves are biologically identical to others of their species, save for a slightly increased lifespan (On average twenty years with proper care.) The chief difference is in the brain, as the DataDog Mk I is roughly as intelligent as an adolescent human, capable of performing any task a one foot tall human without thumbs could.
The main reasons for these modifications, however, are data storage and security. A small access port on the back of the head, compatible with a USB 2.0 access plug (This may be modified to suit the requirements of the customer, of course), allows storage and retrieval of data only by recognized users, as is well known, dogs have extremely accurate sense of smell and are capable of recognizing known persons even when blinded or otherwise impaired, with the enhancements made by AS Biolabs each DataDog Mk I comes with a suit of biometric sensors capable of discerning between even the most carefully cloned replicant and a true human.. Each DataDog comes standard with a one terabyte capacity.
For additional security the data is stored in the brain tissues of the dog itself, each DataDog Mk I is modified in such a way as to enhance biodegredation. As a result of this any data stored in the DataDog Mk I will be unreadable within a matter of roughly one hour of the DataDog Mk I’s death.

Naturally, as a dog, the DataDog Mk I has the standard biological requirements of animals, including the intake and excretion of nutrients. However, the DataDog is equipped with basic knowledge of standard human toilet facilities and will make use of such facilities if they are present and the DataDog Mk I is not instructed otherwise.
All DataDog Mk I units come equipped with basic training, including house and obedience protocols. Commands such as 'sit' and 'come' are pre-programmed and additional requested commands can be easily added either manually or at the time of purchase.
The DataDog Mk I may be programmed to understand up to four languages, although it cannot speak. Communication may be acomplished via body language, computer terminals and the 'one bark for yes, two barks for no’ system. Future DataDog Mark’s may be equipped with basic English communication skills.

As a result of the extensive genetic modifications, the DataDog Mk I is unable to breed. All DataDog Mk I units are cloned from base stock and certified to be free of genetic defects and disease.

All DataDogs are supplied with a custom nametag, collar, GPS tracking chip, and dog bed. A list of suggested vendors of dog food is included.

Cost:
9,500 Universal Standard Dollars per unit
%20 discount on orders of over 100

Additional Services:
Remote Suicide Capsule: 200 USD
Additional 4 terrabyte storage capacity: 2,750 USD
Hair Color Modification (Colors of your choice): USD 220
Car Interior Recognition Module: USD 50

WARNING:
Do not attempt to consume the DataDog Mk I. Do not insert any portion of your anatomy into the DataDog Mk I. Do not place DataDog Mk I in or near any device which emits microwaves, electromagnetic radiation or highly energized free radicals. Do not feed the DataDog Mk I any product or byproduct of the Cocoa plant. The DataDog Mk I is supplied 'as is' with no warranty, implied or otherwise. Should the DataDog Mk I implode, explode or do both at the same time Aperture Science Biolabs accepts no responsibility for the resulting singularity should a singularity result from the implosion. In the event of a singularity forming as a result of DataDog Mk I implosion it is suggested that you panic, or contact Aperture Science Space Vehicles department to enquire on the progress of the Aperture Science Earth Escape Vehicle Mk I unit.

To: Leader, Aperture Science
From: The office of the President, ASoGM
Re: AS Biolabs DataDog Mk I

The Allied States of Gun Manufacturers finds this selling of sentient animals with human level intelligence abhorent, and equates such to slavery. We are especially appalled at your option of a Remote Suicide Capsule. Be advised that we will not be interested in trade with your nation, and our borders are closed to your citizens and diplomats, until such time as you stop this barbaric practice.

To: Leader, Aperture Science
From: The office of the President, ASoGM
Re: AS Biolabs DataDog Mk I

The Allied States of Gun Manufacturers finds this selling of sentient animals with human level intelligence abhorent, and equates such to slavery. We are especially appalled at your option of a Remote Suicide Capsule. Be advised that we will not be interested in trade with your nation, and our borders are closed to your citizens and diplomats, until such time as you stop this barbaric practice.

Leader of Nation Recieving this Letter,
Your comment has been noted. Please enjoy the complimentary cake delivered to your office. It is, you will note, in the shape of a puppy, which is no doubt your favorite food.

Care-Bot Mk V, Aperture Science Biolabs, Customer Care Department, Animal Cruelty Division.

Leader of Nation Recieving this Letter,
Your comment has been noted. Please enjoy the complimentary cake delivered to your office. It is, you will note, in the shape of a puppy, which is no doubt your favorite food.

Care-Bot Mk V, Aperture Science Biolabs, Customer Care Department, Animal Cruelty Division.

Upon seeing a package from the nation Aperture Science, the ASoGM postal inspectors are called. Wearing full NBC suits, they carefully maneuver the package into a sealed and secure room. After opening the package, they take scientific samples of the cake, to make sure there is no threat of nuclear, biological, or chemical agents. Once that is done, they discard the cake, as it was made very clear to the leader of Aperture Science that there would be nothing accepted by ASoGM from anyone in the nation of Aperture Science.

Upon seeing a package from the nation Aperture Science, the ASoGM postal inspectors are called. Wearing full NBC suits, they carefully maneuver the package into a sealed and secure room. After opening the package, they take scientific samples of the cake, to make sure there is no threat of nuclear, biological, or chemical agents. Once that is done, they discard the cake, as it was made very clear to the leader of Aperture Science that there would be nothing accepted by ASoGM from anyone in the nation of Aperture Science.

And from that day forth the leader of Gun Manufacturers recieved a cake in the shape of a puppy from a random address around the world every day. Usually in different packages. Sometimes compressed into flat pieces and shipped in seperate envelopes. Sometimes entire boxes of puppy-shaped cupcakes. Sometimes huge wedding cakes. Sometimes regular cakes. The massive cake surplus of Aperture Science allowed for this. Because the Cake is Not a Lie.

The World Soviet Party,
Negative.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs



Sincerely Auron Mekhrat Minister of Diplomacy The Principality of Fordock,
To answer your questions:
1. Yes. Data may be downloaded to the DataDog Mk I via a standard USB 2.0 connection, or an alternative connection as requested by the purchaser which will be installed in place of the DataDog Mk I's USB 2.0 socket on a special basis.

2. The Datadog Mk I has access to all the data within its brain and may access it for display purposes, and may, within a limited capacity, create powerpoint presentations, displays and organize information. Its capacity is somewhat limited by its intelligence, which although quite high for a dog, is not very high for a human. We estimate that the DataDog Mk II will be more proffecient in this capacity.

Your order has been confirmed, and 500 DataDog Mk I units are ready to ship as soon as payment is recieved.
Additionally, as a friendly gesture, we have included a free unit as a gift for your president.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

We appreciate this and Payment is en-route.

And from that day forth the leader of Gun Manufacturers recieved a cake in the shape of a puppy from a random address around the world every day. Usually in different packages. Sometimes compressed into flat pieces and shipped in seperate envelopes. Sometimes entire boxes of puppy-shaped cupcakes. Sometimes huge wedding cakes. Sometimes regular cakes. The massive cake surplus of Aperture Science allowed for this. Because the Cake is Not a Lie.

OOC: You wouldn't have known that happened.

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7127/dticuploadae8.png

To our friends in Aperture Science:

We are writing to give our thanks and our admirance of the Datadog product. They have, quite frankly, gone down a storm with our staff in Military command, who are now able to transfer data quickly, efficiently, and with some form of companionship. The dogs appear to enjoy socialising with each other of staff days out, and they certainly provide a talking point on open days.

They have served to soften the view of our armed forces, something that was greatly needed, and many of our ministers have expressed delight in their new pets.

Keep up the good work!

To The Allied States of Gun Manufacturers:

We find that the datadog enjoys its work as a data storage device, getting frequent exercise, being well fed, and shown all the love and affection of a normal pet. These particular pets simply have the ability to store above-standard amounts of information through a port genetically engineered into them. The key part being genetically engineered. The ports were not forced into them, they were grown.

The fact that these dogs are sentient oft allows them special priveliges in most nations - they would be granted the right to a minimum wage, legal representation, etc. Whilst this may not be so in Barronia, we feel that these dogs are given some of the best lives available to them, in return for their services, and who can ask more than that?

We trust you have no sentient creatures in your zoos in your nation, such as monkeys. Such a thing would undoubtedly lead to accusations of hypocrisy flying about.

Yours,

Barronian Department for Trade, Infrastructure and Cartography
Part of the Magisteriate for External Affairs

http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/7127/dticuploadae8.png
To The Allied States of Gun Manufacturers:

We find that the datadog enjoys its work as a data storage device, getting frequent exercise, being well fed, and shown all the love and affection of a normal pet. These particular pets simply have the ability to store above-standard amounts of information through a port genetically engineered into them. The key part being genetically engineered. The ports were not forced into them, they were grown.

The fact that these dogs are sentient oft allows them special priveliges in most nations - they would be granted the right to a minimum wage, legal representation, etc. Whilst this may not be so in Barronia, we feel that these dogs are given some of the best lives available to them, in return for their services, and who can ask more than that?

We trust you have no sentient creatures in your zoos in your nation, such as monkeys. Such a thing would undoubtedly lead to accusations of hypocrisy flying about.

Yours,

Barronian Department for Trade, Infrastructure and Cartography
Part of the Magisteriate for External Affairs

Irregardless, the DataDog is still considered property, is it not? It is still sold without giving it a decision whether it wants to leave or not, correct? The ASoGM is glad that the DataDogs that are in your country are treated so well, and I can only hope that is true with every nation that procures them. However, the ASoGM still cannot endorse such a use of these sentient, human level intelligence dogs.

As far as zoos go, ASoGM does not have any of the traditional kind. We do operate animal rescue zoos, where animals are kept while they recover from serious injury (either from predators, humans, or nature). Once the animal is ready to be returned to the wild, they are.

OOC: You wouldn't have known that happened.

((Or would I? Did your scientists check...THE CANDLES? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, seriously, they were going to do it anyway.))

The Empire of Barronia Department for Trade, Infrastructure and Cartography,
We thank you for your feedback, and are pleased that you are enjoying the DataDog Mk I units provided for you. The socialisation was not an intended feature, however. If possible, please provide recordings or transcripts for analysis, as we wish to refine these features in future models.

Care-Bot Mk II, Customer Service Division, Aperture Science Biolabs

((Or would I? Did your scientists check...THE CANDLES? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
No, seriously, they were going to do it anyway.))

OOC: What, sending a cake (in different shapes, and from different addresses around the world) every day?

OOC: What, sending a cake (in different shapes, and from different addresses around the world) every day?

OOC: It's Aperture Science. Just be glad they don't flood your enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin.

OOC: What, sending a cake (in different shapes, and from different addresses around the world) every day?

((GLaDOS is, pardon my French, a sadistic bitch. It would definitly do that sort of thing.))

OOC: It's Aperture Science. Just be glad they don't flood your enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin.

((Oh no, we've got an ethics unit, remember? Just dont toss it into a fire ;) ))

OOC: It's Aperture Science. Just be glad they don't flood your enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin.

And how would they be able to accomplish that?

And how would they be able to accomplish that?

OOC: It's tongue-in-cheek. ;) I take it you haven't played Portal?

The Republic of Shiloba is against such research. We believe you should leave these animals alone. They have not harmed you in anyway, and don't plan on it. Please stop manufacturing these dogs immediately. Failing to do so will result in further disturbance. We do not want this to get out of hand.

The Republic of Shiloba is against such research. We believe you should leave these animals alone. They have not harmed you in anyway, and don't plan on it. Please stop manufacturing these dogs immediately. Failing to do so will result in further disturbance. We do not want this to get out of hand.

Leader of Shiloba,
We will direct you to the foreign affairs office of our ally in this case, as we are, of course, a peaceful nation with no interest in direct military conflicts, since this appears to be what you are threatening should we fail to comply with your demands, which is what we are doing.
There is no cake for you. For you, the cake truely is a lie.

GLaDOS v2.0, Aperture Science, Citizen 1

Please understand, we are not threatening you with military conflict. We will simply send in UN Inspectors to dis-arm the factories. Tell me the name of this ally, I would like to work things out with him. Don't you agree, what you are doing is cruel to these wonderful animals?

The Republic is with us on this one. Don't do this.

Leader of Shiloba,
Aperture Science is not a member of the UN, therefore we are not subject to its rules. Do not threaten us with your rules. Any 'UN inspectors' will be denied entry to Aperture Science and ejected if they refuse to leave.
As to 'cruelty', your use of a subjective term to appeal to our emotions simply shows your own lack of understanding on multiple levels.
We direct you to the Barronian Foreign Affairs or Diplomatic offices, however, as a major purchaser of the DataDog Mk I, we feel that their response will be the same as ours.
Barronia is with us on this, do not make us do this.

GLaDOS v2.0, Aperture Science, Citizen 1

OOC: It's tongue-in-cheek. ;) I take it you haven't played Portal?

Nope.

Please understand, we are not threatening you with military conflict. We will simply send in UN Inspectors to dis-arm the factories. Tell me the name of this ally, I would like to work things out with him. Don't you agree, what you are doing is cruel to these wonderful animals?

The Republic is with us on this one. Don't do this.

OOC: I should get protectorates more often, this is fun.

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Barronia is not prepared to order the discontinuement of the Datadog - indeed, we find them to be both excellent pets and companions, simply with a useful extra of a high-capacity hard drive accessable only by it's owner.

As the ports are grown whilst the dog is in it's foetal stage, we feel this is not cruel - the dog feels no pain during the process.

Furthermore, the UN has no jurisdiction over Aperture Science nor Barronia, their Inspectors would find themselves on the first military transport home. If you find the products distasteful, you are welcome to campaign against them, but any action against our protectorate will be met with equal or greater force.

Yours,

Amelie St Claire
Magisteriate for External Affairs

((Minor update to the goods/services section))

Coming soon! The DataDog Mk II, now with audio English language communication function! Future language modules will be included later for a minor charge. DataDog Mk I owners may purchase an Audio Communication Module to enhance their DataDog experience, however the Mk II will be much more profecient at spoken language.

In confidence, we would like to inquire as to what exactly happens if 2 datadogs mate and reproduce, what exactly is the result if it is not tampered with by human hands?

In confidence, we would like to inquire as to what exactly happens if 2 datadogs mate and reproduce, what exactly is the result if it is not tampered with by human hands?

((DataDogs are sterile, as it says in the first post >_>))

Oh, missed that somehow.

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Official Government Response

Because these dogs are sterile, we find that this program is an insult to sentient rights and too much a ploy for profit. We find that in being sterile it denys the dogs the right to continue natrually, a trait that should be had in any sentient being. We are not opposed to this project, and if it were not for this fact we may be sponsoring it, but we dissapporve of it with out this because it seems like a scam for monotary gain at the dogs expense. Do note that this will not affect trade with Apeture Science in any other way.

With Contempt
Mitch Iheam
Sectary of Ecology

Oh, missed that somehow.


Official Government Response

Because these dogs are sterile, we find that this program is an insult to sentient rights and too much a ploy for profit. We find that in being sterile it denys the dogs the right to continue natrually, a trait that should be had in any sentient being. We are not opposed to this project, and if it were not for this fact we may be sponsoring it, but we dissapporve of it with out this because it seems like a scam for monotary gain at the dogs expense. Do note that this will not affect trade with Apeture Science in any other way.

With Contempt
Mitch Iheam
Sectary of Ecology

With Contempt Mitch Iheam Sectary of Ecology
Greetings,
We find several faults with your arguments. For ease of reading, they will be listed in a simple format:
1. Sterility is the result of the extreme genetic modification of the dogs. We do not render them sterile, but rather, the dogs are sterile because they are sentient.
1a. We also find the implication that all sentients reproduce via biological means to be a very biocentric and rude line of thought. Please consider the biology, or lack thereof, of the person you are addressing in the future when making such arguements.

2. We are a company.
2a. As a company, virtually everything we do is a 'ploy to make a profit'. While we attempt to ensure the DataDog units comfort as far as is possible, we are dedicated to making money.

3. If we simply 'give away' the DataDog units, then we will not have money with which to clone more DataDog units.
3a. Hence, ceasing the sale of DataDog units will result in the termination of the line of the DataDog 'species'.
3b. Thus, any opposing the sale of the DataDog are calling for the genocide of a species.

4. In summation: You are a horrible person
4a. And you should feel horrible.

GLaDOS v2.0, Aperture Science, Citizen 1.

Aperature, you really have some great ideas here. You would be valuable Here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=542431), at least should you wish to. The Commonwealth (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=542157) could also use a firm like yours for pro-environmental R&D.

Let me know what you think,
~NP

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Official Government Response

We never said we were opposed to the sale of the dogs, based on the description of their 'pleased to serve and be your friend' mentality; it is quite acceptable in fact. And I acknowledge that you are a company, however, if the genetic modification alters them to be sentient but takes away sentient rights, perhaps they should not be sold. Not saying the research should not be done, just, it seems too much with them being sterile.

Signed,
Robert David (newly appointed)
Sectary of Ecology

Aperature, you really have some great ideas here. You would be valuable Here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=542431), at least should you wish to. The Commonwealth (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=542157) could also use a firm like yours for pro-environmental R&D.

Let me know what you think,
~NP

Nova Pictavia,
As a protectorate of the Barronian Empire, we must first consult with our protectors in regards to such external matters. However, we will strongly consider it if our allies approve.

GLaDOS v2.0, Aperture Science, Citizen One


Official Government Response

We never said we were opposed to the sale of the dogs, based on the description of their 'pleased to serve and be your friend' mentality; it is quite acceptable in fact. And I acknowledge that you are a company, however, if the genetic modification alters them to be sentient but takes away sentient rights, perhaps they should not be sold. Not saying the research should not be done, just, it seems too much with them being sterile.

Signed,
Robert David (newly appointed)
Sectary of Ecology


Signed Robert David (newly appointed) Sectary of Ecology,
As a virtual sentient life form, we must, again, repeat that reproduction via 'natural' means is a somewhat questionable 'universal right' for sentient beings. All DataDogs Mk I units are genetically identical, hence, a DataDog Mk I unit wishing to breed has already had its wish granted, several thousand times.
However, no DataDog Mk I units have expressed any desire to breed, as the furtherance of their species is virtually assured by the excellent sales we have thus far encountered. With over fifty thousand units dispatched to various overseas orders we are making significant progress towards the DataDog Mk II.
Your concern is, however, noted. Once the DataDog Mk II is completed consideration will be applied to the possibility of sexual reproduction in the DataDog line.

GLaDOS v2.0, Aperture Science, Citizen one

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Official Government Response

The genetic alterations of intraspecies relationships are not exactly what we were reffering to, more of the ability to keep ones race continuing without interferance or help. Just thought I may put in that thought, but, over all, I must thank you for your consideration of our request.

Sincerely,
Robert David
Sectary of Ecology

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We are more than willing to allow Aperture Science to join the Utopian Commonwealth, provided that the Utopian Commonwealth agrees to a non-aggression agreement with Barronia and her protectorates.

Aperture Science has announced the release of the DataDog Mk II, those who purchased the DataDog Upgrade Program may exchange their old models now. For your convinience, a shipping crate with a customer satisfaction sheet will be mailed to you in order to retrieve the older models.
Aperture Science thanks you for your business and looks forward to future dealings.
Please note that DataDog enhancement modules are not covered under the DataDog Upgrade Progam and must be purchased seperatly.

A bump for the night crowd

Naturally, the DataDogs were a hit in Allanea. Orders flowed in by the thousand, as the wealthy and the middle-class fell in love with the new product. Within the first week, 20,000 DataDogs were ordered.

Aperture Science is pleased with these sales, and would be interested in contacting the Allanean government in regards to opening a branch Aperture Science Biolabs DataDog Cloning Center in Allanea in order to provide better service and decreased prices to its large following in that state.

Official Allanean Reply:

You are free to open as many centers as you want.