NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC: First time poster, I don't have alot of the detail of Douria outlined yet, so I figured a covert operation in already well defined territory with little chance of success would be a nice starting point for me. Cobdenia is a bit different in that it's a past tech nation, but any tech entering the nation is converted to past tech. I figured bullets are bullets, the main difference being that I can fire more from just outside his borders than he can inside.


Trey Dreizehn reclines in his unlit office. He looks out the window into the cold morning light. The people are starting to go to work outside, and Trey periodically aims his pistol at one, then another.

*Breeep* "Sir, Mr. Po'Lander is here to see you," his assistant says.

"Send him in, Heather," Trey says quietly.

"Yes sir," she replies.

Trey fingers the trigger on his gun. He reaches for a cigar in his desk drawer he places it in his mouth. The door opens, and in walks a tall well built man in full military uniform. His medals glimmer in the light from the window. Trey reaches forward and turns his desk lamp on.

"Sir we've mobilized our forces, but are you entirely sure this is the course of action you wish to take?" The man says, leaning to his side, looking rather uneasy.

Trey pulls a clip out of the desk and snips the end from his cigar. "You aren't?" he says, laying his gun on his desk.

"They outnumber us 50:1,"

"More than that, what we've sent was barely a platoon, that's why it's covert"

"I know, and I know why we have to take it to them first, but I just need to make sure you've looked through all the options,"

"I'm Trey Goddamned Dreizehn, I am all the options," Trey picks his gun back up and points it at the man.

"Sir I didn't mean anything by that, I was ju..."

"Oh shut up," Trey pulls the trigger and out jumps a small amount of flame, he lights his cigar and opens his desk drawer. He places the gun inside, "Do us both a favor and get the hell out of my office,"

"Sir, I'll do my best to make this happen," The man says as he turns towards the door.

"No need," Trey says, pulling a gun out of the drawer again, he points it at the man, "I have everything I need," and pulls the trigger. The gun fires, propelling the bullet through the air and it enters the man's skull. It wastes little time exiting out the other side, dragging a fairly large chunk of brain matter and most of his forehead with it. The man slumps to his knees and falls to the left.

*Breeep* "Heather, I apologize but I'm gonna need a clean up crew in here,"

"I heard, they're already on the way,"

"Thanks,"

Trey picks up the phone and begins to dial. It begins to ring.

A voice at the other end immediately speaks up.

"Yes sir?"

"You have my permission to open fire. Insert additional teams with past tech in their territory as you soften them up, but for now, fire bullets and missiles over the line. See what transformations are most damaging. Bullets shouldn't change so much as to be ineffective. Missiles might, so we'll have to see. Keep this cost effective. Cobdenia brought this on themselves. Bring Port Sir Richards to it's knees in as little time as possible or I will replace you"

"Yes sir,"

"Oh and another thing,"

"Sir?"

"Do your men have the Kennyite flag's sewed onto their uniforms?"

"Yes sir,"

"You're well versed on how to act like a Kennyite, if captured?"

"Yes sir, be angry and protest everything,"

"Kick 'em in the nuts then, good luck,"

Trey puts the phone down and leans back. He turns out the light and looks out into the cold morning sky. He sees jets fly by and smiles.



*Sirens wail, guns fire, automobiles are on fire, people are protesting, police in riot gear fire automatic weapons into the crowds until they disperse. Two scantily clad, extremely attractive females and one man in a suit walk up to the screen and block out the violence behind them, as they do the sounds die down to nothing*

"This is the Douria Evening News, I'm Chris Morris, this is our top story,"

Chris Morris: News reports today indicate a war brewing between OMGTKK and Cobdenia, Amber?

Amber: We have rare interviews inside OMGTKK, and they are amazing.

Random Unwashed Hobo: I heard theys got one of them there defense agreements with us, I's not supportin' defencing them if theys not gonna defence us.

Amber: How would you react if I told you that not only is Cobdenia attacking OMGTKK but as I hear it, says Kennyites are "Unwashed Hobo's".

Unwashed Hobo 2: Them's fightin' words.

Amber: I've interviewed hundreds of men, women, children and possibly one penguin, and the consensus here is,

Drug Addled Former Starlet: If they are attacking us, we'll meet them with force. And more force. And possibly more force.

Amber: Strong words, from a nation in turmoil. Bac...

Hobo: Who you calling turmoil?

Amber: Back to you Chris.

Chris Morris: On the other side of the coin, we attempted to do some interviews in Cobdenia but our video transformed into some crappy photos. When we left our pictures were still stills, and we're trying to get Cobdenia to reimburse us for the cost. Rachel?

Rachel: Next up on Douria Evening News, "Is Trey Dreizehn God?" A new poll says yes. That and more, next.

Sir Robin MacPherson-Jebby, the Cobdenian Secretary of State for Defence, was in his office, playing with his Newton cradle, mulling the fat document in front of him. Although the Cobdenian amred forces were well funded, each service continually wanted more. The Air Froce wanted to replace several of it's Fairey Hendon Squadronss with the newer Handley Page Heyfords, which were to due to be in producution in two years. The Army wanted to introduce something called a "light machine gun", that was to be issued one to each squad - a concept very alien to the Sir Robin, a retired cavalryman of Omdurman vintage. The Navy, invariably, wanted more aeroplane carriers. They always wanted more aeroplane carriers. He was planning on his usual method of deciding (which involved a complex ritual known as "Eenie Meanie Minie Moe"), when one of his underlings, Murdungerriman Banerjee, a Daffadar (Native Sergeant of a Cavalry Regiment) of Furbiton's Horse, entered

"Begging the Pardon of the Honourable Sahib, but there is a Majorthat is doing the wishing of the seeing of you. He is claiming that it is of great importance."

"Very well, send him in"

The Major entered. He was wearing the light khaki service dress uniform of the Cobdenian army, his shoulder titles and collar badges shewing the insignia of the 61st Pretamanger Pioneers . His uniform was covered in the light brown dust of the Cobdenian plains, his leather Sam Browne holster empty at his side, and in his left hand he carried a batterred Wolseley pith helemt.

"Well, what is it?"

"Omigodtheykilledkenny is attacking us, sir"

"What?"

"Omigodtheykilledkenny. The Federal Republic. My battalion was on manouevers twenty three miles southeast of here, and we were, well, shot at by some chaps. We managed to get a company in to attack, and the rest of the battalion is moving forward - there were only 50 of them. One of the bodies of the attackers we found had the flag of the federal republic on his uniform."

"I see. Lalkaka?" Sir Robin shouted

Lakaka entered again, and saluted

"Yes, Sahib"

"Fetch me the Chief of General Staff, the Chief of Air Staff, The First Lord of the Admiralty, and the tea lady"

"The tea lady, Sahib?"

"Yes, I'm thirsty"

"Of course, Sahib. It will be done most hastily, most hastily indeed, sahib."

And left.

"You don't mind waiting, they might like to hear this"

"Not at all"

The started to talk about the cricket, whilst they waited, and were just discussing the relative merits of bodyline bowling when the three military bigwigs arrived. The Chief of General Staff, Field Marshal Sir Jonathon "Slapdash" Murgatroyd, was first to arrive followed by the Chief of Air Staff, Marshal of the Gubernatorial Air Force Sir Michael "Trumpet" DeHoulie-Mason. Finally, the First Lord of the Admiralty, Admiral of the Fleet The Right Honourable Sir Hugo "Puff Daddy" Willingdon, 9th Earl Willington of Muckworth in the County of Buckinghamshire, arrived.

"Navy, late as ever" commented 'Slapdash' Murgatroyd, as Lord Willingdon took his seat. All three men were curiously alike. They were all around 5'11" (tall by Cobdenian standards), all were in their late 50's, and all had the military bearing of one who has served his country for several decades. The only thing that really distinguished them apart, excepting the uniforms, was the fact that Murgatroyd had firy red hair, DeHoulie-Mason was blond, and Lord Willingdon had dark hair greying at the temples. If by some freak of nature, they all had their head shaved and were forced to walk around in their underwear, telling them apart would be impossible, mused Sir Robin. What he didn't realise was that all three were, in fact, bald, and wore very convincing toupees.


"Now, tell them what you told me, Major"

"We're being invaded by the Federal Republic of Omigodtheykilledkenny"

The four men stood stock still, before bursting out into hysterical laughter

"Your...seriously...suggesting...that...Kenny would...invade us?" laughed Murgatroyd, now rolling around on the parquet floor of Sir Robin's office

"We're...their...allies!" chortled DeHoulie-Mason, propping himself up against the wall whilst literally holding his side with laughter

"With fifty men!! If they were going to invade...they'd send more then that!" guffawed Lord Willingdon. By this stage all senior officers had lost their wigs in all the merriment. Even Sir Robin had joined in the laughing contest, and was attempting to stop by repeatedly smacking his head against the desk. The Major was rather annoyed by all this, but admitted they had a point

"Well, maybe one of their units went bonkers, or something?" He shouted, above the laughter. No-one heard him. He had to wait fifteen minutes for the laughter to die down, and made the point again.

"Maybe, maybe." Said Sir Robin, still smiling and trying to catch his breath. He now had a large red bruise on his forehead. "What do you think chaps?" he asked the senior officers. They had all regained their composure, but in the clamour to regain their dignity, all had each others hairpieces on, all at interesting angles. The now blond Field Marshal spoke "It's a possibility. The Kennyites aren't the most sane people". This seemed an curious comment coming from a man whose hair was sideways and a different colour to what it was, but Sir Robin let it pass.

"Lalkaka?"

The Lalkaka entered once again

"What is it the sahib desires of me?"

"Get me the Prime Minister"

"At once Sahib"

Lalkaka strolled across the room, and opened the door to a wardrobe opposite. Behind it was Sir John Snipe-Maddox, the Prime Minister

"That was quick!" commented the now red backwards-haired Lord Willingdon

"What were you doing in my closet, Prime Minister?" asked Sir Robin, not unreasonably

"Hiding" replied the PM. The answer was given in such a way as to prevent further discussion, and Sir Robin let it slide

"Hmm...Well, Prime Minister, it appears to be a situation. We think some Kennyite soldiers have gone nuts"

"Not hard to imagine."

"Can you contact Manuelo Fernando and see if he's missing some soldiers?"

"Certainly, can I use your telephone"

"Go ahead"

Sir John went to the telephone and picked up the receiver, and spoke to an operator, and asked for Manuelo Fernando. Having called a Spaniard called Manuel Hernandez, an Englishman called Mark Ferdinand, and inexplicably the Ardchoillian North West Regional Gas Board, he got a new operator to take the call and got hold of the President of the Federal Republic, who was coincidentally, but not suprisingly, having very kinky sex with the Cobdenian ambassadoress when he recieved the call.

"Mr President, are any of your soldiers unaccounted for?" asked Sir John, skipping pleasantries, trying to make himself understood through the pleas coming from Dame Elizabeth for the President to come back to bed he could clearly hear through the receiver...

This doesn't seem to have much reason to it.

Clad in a bathrobe and slippers, the president burst into his office to find Sec. Tehrani and National Security Adviser Karen Greene waiting there. Under normal circumstances, he would have been far more agitated than he was right then (for he had previously ordered his aids not to call him out of a session of "very kinky sex" unless there was a war, or a national disaster, or if his stocks were plummeting), but luckily in this instance, he'd already, erm, finished -- though he had been pulled out (mind the punnery) of his bedroom before he found out if his date had done the same.

"Alright guys, let's make this snappy; I got someone upstairs, and she's raring to go again! Or at least I am, at any rate. What's this about, anyway?"

"The Cobdenian prime minister is on hold for you, Mr. President," said Tehrani.

"Cobdenian?" asked the president, delighted. "What a coinkydink! I was just fuck--"

"Mr. President, we have a very serious situation on our hands here," Tehrani quickly interrupted him. "You may have to stall Sir John."

"Stall him? Look, if we're invading their ass, we might as well get it over with and stop beating 'round the--"

"You heard about the troops in Cobdenia then, as reported an Douria Evening News?" asked the secretary.

Fernanda looked confused. "What troops?" he asked.

"Boys, this meeting might be more productive if we had the secretary of defense with us," Greene said. "Can we get him on the phone before we talk to Sir John?"

"Are you not aware that Secretary Valentine is currently on trial for high treason?" Tehrani asked her.

"What was that?" Greene asked, not listening. She had already made a call on her cell. "It's ringing ... hang on, I'll put it on speaker." She clicked the button, and Valentine picked up.

"This had better be good, Karen," squawked Valentine's voice on the small flip-phone.

"We need to know if all our forces worldwide are accounted for," Greene said.

"Well, I'd love to find that out for you," Valentine replied, "but the judge is ready to throw the book at me -- ow! ... James Joyce's 'Ulysses'? What an odd selection, Your Honor! ..."

Greene sighed and disconnected the call. "Yeah, we really need to stall the PM," she said.

"So what do I tell this bozo?" Fernanda asked, now seated behind his desk, receiver in hand.

"Just tell him we are very concerned about these news reports from Douria, and we will investigate the matter thoroughly and get back to him as soon as possible," Tehrani suggested.

Fernanda shrugged and placed the phone to his ear. "Yo Cobdenia? ... Respect my authoritah, biyotch!! How dare you question me?! Prepare to be invaded! And no more Mr. Nice Guy this time, neither! I'm pullin' out all the stops! It's full speed, full throttle, full everything, till the lush Cobdenian countryside is fully penetrated ... what was that? Oh, you want to play the dominant one next round? Oh, you bad girl! ... Well, in that case, whatever you say, baby! I'll be back upstairs for another go in no time! ... Yeah, keep that bed warm, Elizabeth." Click.

Greene was glaring at him in horror; Tehrani was upchucking into a sick bag that he always brought along to meetings with President Fernanda, just in case.

"I know, Alex," Fernanda said, rolling his eyes. "Sir John's actually on the other line." He pushed the button for Line 2.

"Hello, Prime Minister! ... What's that? ... Do we have any troops unaccounted for? ... I dunno!"