Vojvodina-Nihon
09-09-2007, 18:09
[Overview]
The Holy Jingoistic Federation of Unaligned Nations of Vojvodina-Nihon is a small landlocked nation located in eastern Europe. It was originally known as just plain Vojvodina, a province of Serbia; but one day, the people of Vojvodina decided to break away. This was known as the Great Revolution, in which they seized random passers-by, put pointy sticks to their heads, and demanded sovereignty OR ELSE. Naturally, it was granted, although the ability of such random passers-by to determine the sovereignty of a nation is still somewhat in dispute.
First the Vodinians declared themselves a dependency of Japan, hence the “Nihon” part of the name. Apparently they were fond of anime, J-pop, and sushi. Subsequently a new order arose and overthrew the old order in another Great Revolution, and established the Communist State of Vojvodina-Nihon, which was much more fond of Commissars and People’s Soviets and vodka. Within three weeks, yet another order had arisen and declared the nation the Capitalist Imperium of Vojvodina-Nihon, and I think you’re beginning to get the picture. Within a year, the nation had forty-nine separate governments that were all in a state of continual warfare with each other, while a monarchy that was still retained from one of the several hundred early coups shook its heads, clucked its tongues, and did nothing at all because it was really quite amusing.
For the last few months, Vojvodina-Nihon has been in a state of relative stability, as the so-called ‘MDP Craze’ has caused practically every government to sign an alliance with every other government; thus, most of the various governments are afraid to go to war for fear of inciting the wrath of the other ones. Naturally, of course, the various governments have separated into about two separate power-blocs, which are in a constant state of cold war. Unlike during the real-life Cold War, however, they don’t sponsor proxy wars, as the fact that all of this is crammed into a nation about the size of Hawaii ensures that everyone knows everyone else’s business, or at least can find out if it so chooses.
[The Monarchy]
The de-facto rulers of Vojvodina-Nihon are King Alistair I and Queen Mildred. Alistair, age forty-three, was installed as ruler during the all-too-brief Puppet Monarchy of Vojvodina-Nihon; when that government was overthrown, nobody bothered with the puppet monarch, so he remained. Mildred, age thirty-nine, was his wife at the time and still is; they have three children, Princesses Ethel (19) and Roberta (15), and Crown Prince Archibald (10). The Royal Family resides in the particularly grand Samoilova Castle, built on a craggy mountain pass that overlooks the small village of Trpchevshja which is one of the five hundred and eighteen capitals of Vojvodina-Nihon.
The Royal Family, while wealthy, has little power or influence. Indeed, the average Vodinian has forgotten that they exist. They do have a detachment of Imperial Guards defending the Castle, and surface-to-air missile launchers and artillery guns, to deter a revolution. But such security is unnecessary; most Vodinians don’t really care. They have more important things to overthrow. As the old folk saying goes, “A Vodinian is never at peace unless he’s fighting.”
[The Governments]
These vary widely. Of the 49 Governments currently in existence, 13 are liberal democracies, 12 autocracies, 7 oligarchies, 7 social democracies, 6 communist states, 3 anarcho-communist states, 1 anarcho-capitalist state, and 1 in which no-one has any real idea. (It also happens to be the largest.) Each Government claims several capitals, some of them as many as 70 (one of the anarcho-communist states). Each one additionally has its own national motto, flag, animal, language, and currency as well; people from one part of the country are frequently incapable of understanding those from another part.
Each Government also has its tic. One of the states is named Quiet, because the making of unnecessary noise is forbidden. Another is known as Boingg because its population spends the whole day jumping on trampolines, trying to reach the sky. A third is called Epilepsy because it manufactures nothing but strobe-lights. A fourth, Wet, is so named because it always rains in that part of the country alone, even if everywhere else is sunny; inhabitants of Wet can be identified because there’s always a thunderstorm hovering over their head, even inside buildings.
Occasionally, numbers of these states may coagulate in blocs and work together to achieve a common goal. This happens frequently between two or even three governments; for instance, Boinggites might make a pact with the denizens of Stoned in their quest to touch the sky, or Halo 4 may supply Boondocksians with high-tech weapons to quench their desire to burn down forests. More famous is the OMGWTF (Order of the Magnificent Governments Who Taunt Fools), consisting of some seventeen Governments united to destroy Stupidity. After a long and difficult battle with a fish, Dan Quayle, a popular dating site, some cats with captions stapled to them, and Windows Vista, OMGWTF was forced to surrender; but its memory has lived on, and there are rumours that in times of strife, the Governments of OMGWTF will once more unite and make their glorious stand against whatever idiocy threatens Vojvodina-Nihon next.
[Other Important Information for Travelers and Foreign Diplomats]
Vojvodina-Nihon is largely rural, with few large cities. It is set in an extraordinarily picturesque natural area that its rulers did not wish to ruin by building industrial plants or mines; hence, its economy is rather underdeveloped. Much of that economy is agriculturally based; manufacturing and heavy industry are divided between only a few companies, and thus the nation’s houses are instantly recogniseable with red ceramic tiles and white walls, at least white when they’re regularly cleaned. Modern technology is largely taboo; machines such as computers, TV sets, microwaves and the like are commonly viewed as witchcraft or magical, except by the few sensible and/or widely travelled inhabitants of the nation.
Virtually everyone in Vojvodina-Nihon who isn’t employed in one of the Governments or in a manufacturing corporation lives on a miniature farm. Visit any Vodinian village and you will likely find the streets overrun with cows and donkeys, where cars are obliged to yield to flocks of sheep. Clothing usually consists of whatever you can make; this has caused embarrassment, as some diplomats occasionally do not know how to sew and thus end up wearing particularly odd-looking garments, at least one of which inspired a new fashion among thirteen-year-old Xirniumite girls. Tailors make quite a lot of money, and being a tailor is one of the most respected professions around (more so than teachers, politicians, or policemen); you can tell when a village has no tailor, as its population tends to be running around naked.
As much as tailors are respected, chickens are feared. Children are advised not to walk the lonely roads alone, and travelers carry birdseed and heavy staves; for the chicken has replaced the wolf as the pack-hunter of Vojvodina-Nihon. In flocks of as many as two hundred, chickens roam the land, pecking what they can from the soil and savagely assaulting anyone who gets in their way. (Anyone who laughed at this last paragraph has obviously never been attacked by a chicken. Seriously, those things are vicious.) There are reports of flocks setting upon bears, coyotes, IRS agents, and other such large predators and driving them off; when someone vanishes along an unknown road, the men and women of the village exchange satisfied glances and whisper, “Chickens must have got him.” No accurate tally of chicken victims has yet been released.
In response to the increasing and ever-present threat of the chicken flocks, a new type of adventurer has arisen: the chicken hunter. Armed with all manner of fearsome weapons, these daring warriors set out in search of the precious meat and eggs of the chicken, bravely battling the clucking critters – a perfect representation of Man against Society – and bringing back sackfuls of the birds, along with as many of their eggs as they can carry home unbroken. Some have even penetrated into the deepest nests of the avian attackers, carrying home horrific tales of the legions upon countless legions of chickens that stand grim sentinel there, and of the near-death escapes that such legions entail. There is the tale of Tvar, a little village in the north of Vojvodina-Nihon, which – besieged by literally thousands of the birds – held out bravely with nothing but slingshots and heavy sticks until the militia arrived and dispelled the assault. (Guess what was for dinner.) More than anything else, Vodinians are held together by their mutual hatred for chickens.
[The Basic Statistics of Vojvodina-Nihon]
All told, Vojvodina-Nihon has anywhere between two million and fifty-four billion inhabitants. Official censuses tend to be either ridiculously overinflated (the Great People’s Dictatorship of Vojvodina-Nihon, otherwise known as Surfeit, claims a population of 21 billion loyal followers of the socialist revolution) or underinflated, and thus likely true (the Houseboat Commune has a total population of 7). Generally, official information from anyone but the Royal Family is not to be trusted; even the Royal Family itself, and its wide variety of courtiers and Imperial Guards, is rarely capable of providing accurate information.
The most recent accurate survey of Vojvodina-Nihon occurred under its relatively long period as a protectorate of Malaysia (almost a month); a man named Matthew Lajef set it upon himself to journey throughout the nation, collecting valuable data that, while perhaps not scientifically accurate enough, gives us a good idea of some necessary information on the nation of Vojvodina-Nihon, or rather the entity comprising the various Governments.
Geography
Approximate Area – To go around the borders of Vojvodina-Nihon by donkey takes twelve days and twelve nights.
Coastline – None; Vojvodina is landlocked.
Highest Point – Officially, Mount Sharchan in Surfeit, at 29,000 metres; although upon visiting it Lajef found it to be a small hill only about ten metres tall.
Lowest Point – Along the Danube River (about 45 m above sea level)
Terrain – Mountainous, yet fertile; rugged, yet yielding to those crops which are wisely planted.
Climate – Cool temperate; warm summers and cold winters.
People
Population – In Lajef’s travels, he found that most Governments ruled between thirty and three hundred thousand persons. Thus it can be inferred that the total population of Vojvodina-Nihon is between ten and fifteen million.
Ethnicity – A melting pot of Slavic, Magyar, Anglo-Saxon, Japanese, Pacific Islander, Jewish, and sub-Saharan Africans.
Religion – Varies widely. Some people claim multiple religions; Wicca, Jainism, Reform Judaism, the Baha’i faith, and belief in the ancient Norse and Greek gods are common.
Languages – While virtually everyone speaks Pig Latin, ASL, and Klingon, every Government has invented its own language which it mandates (or does not mandate) its people must speak.
Age structure – About one-third of the population is under the age of 18, and one-fortieth over the age of 60. Most Vodinians are young adults or middle-aged.
Ratios:
Cars per person – 268 per 1000
TV sets per person – 60 per 1000
Computers per person – 37 per 1000
Internet access per person – 9 per 1000
Schools per family – 555 per 1000 families
Donkeys per person – 3732 per 1000
Pigs per person – 2485 per 1000
Sheep per person – 5086 per 1000
Chickens per person – at least 33000 per 1000; no accurate tally has ever been made of the chicken population.
Rate of vegetarianism – 7.65%
Literacy – 35.5%
Healthcare:
The nation has six hospitals and 1,078 individual clinics. Common methods of treating diseases include leeching and consumption of various humours (blood, phlegm, black bile, yellow bile) to restore the balance. More modern healthcare methods are common in the misnamed Technocracy, as well as other more developed governments: Random, the Monarchy, Halo 4 (the "health pack" which immediately restores up to 50% of your health), Epilepsy and so on. Tourists are advised to hire a personal doctor before arriving in Vojvodina-Nihon.
Military information:
Individual governments may control between zero and twenty thousand military personnel. Total military personnel nationwide is estimated at approximately 300,000.
The largest individual military forces are those of the Empire of Vojvodina-Nihon, a force of approximately 12-15,000 footmen and 2-4,000 cavalry. Weapons include swords, spears, halberds, lances, longbows, shortbows, and occasionally crossbows or arquebuses. The Empire also has the largest number of war machines, including 25 mobile catapults, six siege towers, and twenty standalone battering rams.
Nonetheless, the most powerful military forces are probably those of the Technocracy, whose 1,750 robotic personnel sport personal jetpacks and heavy laser cannons; Halo 4, in which the military is divided fairly evenly between guns, grenades, and hand combatants; Boondocks, virtually the entire population of which wields a gun of some kind; and Metropolis, in which the military consists entirely of Superman and a coterie of villians, provided the government can convince them to work together for a change. In addition, the Royal Guard -- while admittedly using the same outdated equipment as the Empire -- is made up of some of the best-trained and best-armoured warriors around, and is said to be capable of defeating modern troops armed with guns.
The military forces of most other nations resemble those of the Empire on a smaller scale.
[More coming soon. Stay tuned!]
The Holy Jingoistic Federation of Unaligned Nations of Vojvodina-Nihon is a small landlocked nation located in eastern Europe. It was originally known as just plain Vojvodina, a province of Serbia; but one day, the people of Vojvodina decided to break away. This was known as the Great Revolution, in which they seized random passers-by, put pointy sticks to their heads, and demanded sovereignty OR ELSE. Naturally, it was granted, although the ability of such random passers-by to determine the sovereignty of a nation is still somewhat in dispute.
First the Vodinians declared themselves a dependency of Japan, hence the “Nihon” part of the name. Apparently they were fond of anime, J-pop, and sushi. Subsequently a new order arose and overthrew the old order in another Great Revolution, and established the Communist State of Vojvodina-Nihon, which was much more fond of Commissars and People’s Soviets and vodka. Within three weeks, yet another order had arisen and declared the nation the Capitalist Imperium of Vojvodina-Nihon, and I think you’re beginning to get the picture. Within a year, the nation had forty-nine separate governments that were all in a state of continual warfare with each other, while a monarchy that was still retained from one of the several hundred early coups shook its heads, clucked its tongues, and did nothing at all because it was really quite amusing.
For the last few months, Vojvodina-Nihon has been in a state of relative stability, as the so-called ‘MDP Craze’ has caused practically every government to sign an alliance with every other government; thus, most of the various governments are afraid to go to war for fear of inciting the wrath of the other ones. Naturally, of course, the various governments have separated into about two separate power-blocs, which are in a constant state of cold war. Unlike during the real-life Cold War, however, they don’t sponsor proxy wars, as the fact that all of this is crammed into a nation about the size of Hawaii ensures that everyone knows everyone else’s business, or at least can find out if it so chooses.
[The Monarchy]
The de-facto rulers of Vojvodina-Nihon are King Alistair I and Queen Mildred. Alistair, age forty-three, was installed as ruler during the all-too-brief Puppet Monarchy of Vojvodina-Nihon; when that government was overthrown, nobody bothered with the puppet monarch, so he remained. Mildred, age thirty-nine, was his wife at the time and still is; they have three children, Princesses Ethel (19) and Roberta (15), and Crown Prince Archibald (10). The Royal Family resides in the particularly grand Samoilova Castle, built on a craggy mountain pass that overlooks the small village of Trpchevshja which is one of the five hundred and eighteen capitals of Vojvodina-Nihon.
The Royal Family, while wealthy, has little power or influence. Indeed, the average Vodinian has forgotten that they exist. They do have a detachment of Imperial Guards defending the Castle, and surface-to-air missile launchers and artillery guns, to deter a revolution. But such security is unnecessary; most Vodinians don’t really care. They have more important things to overthrow. As the old folk saying goes, “A Vodinian is never at peace unless he’s fighting.”
[The Governments]
These vary widely. Of the 49 Governments currently in existence, 13 are liberal democracies, 12 autocracies, 7 oligarchies, 7 social democracies, 6 communist states, 3 anarcho-communist states, 1 anarcho-capitalist state, and 1 in which no-one has any real idea. (It also happens to be the largest.) Each Government claims several capitals, some of them as many as 70 (one of the anarcho-communist states). Each one additionally has its own national motto, flag, animal, language, and currency as well; people from one part of the country are frequently incapable of understanding those from another part.
Each Government also has its tic. One of the states is named Quiet, because the making of unnecessary noise is forbidden. Another is known as Boingg because its population spends the whole day jumping on trampolines, trying to reach the sky. A third is called Epilepsy because it manufactures nothing but strobe-lights. A fourth, Wet, is so named because it always rains in that part of the country alone, even if everywhere else is sunny; inhabitants of Wet can be identified because there’s always a thunderstorm hovering over their head, even inside buildings.
Occasionally, numbers of these states may coagulate in blocs and work together to achieve a common goal. This happens frequently between two or even three governments; for instance, Boinggites might make a pact with the denizens of Stoned in their quest to touch the sky, or Halo 4 may supply Boondocksians with high-tech weapons to quench their desire to burn down forests. More famous is the OMGWTF (Order of the Magnificent Governments Who Taunt Fools), consisting of some seventeen Governments united to destroy Stupidity. After a long and difficult battle with a fish, Dan Quayle, a popular dating site, some cats with captions stapled to them, and Windows Vista, OMGWTF was forced to surrender; but its memory has lived on, and there are rumours that in times of strife, the Governments of OMGWTF will once more unite and make their glorious stand against whatever idiocy threatens Vojvodina-Nihon next.
[Other Important Information for Travelers and Foreign Diplomats]
Vojvodina-Nihon is largely rural, with few large cities. It is set in an extraordinarily picturesque natural area that its rulers did not wish to ruin by building industrial plants or mines; hence, its economy is rather underdeveloped. Much of that economy is agriculturally based; manufacturing and heavy industry are divided between only a few companies, and thus the nation’s houses are instantly recogniseable with red ceramic tiles and white walls, at least white when they’re regularly cleaned. Modern technology is largely taboo; machines such as computers, TV sets, microwaves and the like are commonly viewed as witchcraft or magical, except by the few sensible and/or widely travelled inhabitants of the nation.
Virtually everyone in Vojvodina-Nihon who isn’t employed in one of the Governments or in a manufacturing corporation lives on a miniature farm. Visit any Vodinian village and you will likely find the streets overrun with cows and donkeys, where cars are obliged to yield to flocks of sheep. Clothing usually consists of whatever you can make; this has caused embarrassment, as some diplomats occasionally do not know how to sew and thus end up wearing particularly odd-looking garments, at least one of which inspired a new fashion among thirteen-year-old Xirniumite girls. Tailors make quite a lot of money, and being a tailor is one of the most respected professions around (more so than teachers, politicians, or policemen); you can tell when a village has no tailor, as its population tends to be running around naked.
As much as tailors are respected, chickens are feared. Children are advised not to walk the lonely roads alone, and travelers carry birdseed and heavy staves; for the chicken has replaced the wolf as the pack-hunter of Vojvodina-Nihon. In flocks of as many as two hundred, chickens roam the land, pecking what they can from the soil and savagely assaulting anyone who gets in their way. (Anyone who laughed at this last paragraph has obviously never been attacked by a chicken. Seriously, those things are vicious.) There are reports of flocks setting upon bears, coyotes, IRS agents, and other such large predators and driving them off; when someone vanishes along an unknown road, the men and women of the village exchange satisfied glances and whisper, “Chickens must have got him.” No accurate tally of chicken victims has yet been released.
In response to the increasing and ever-present threat of the chicken flocks, a new type of adventurer has arisen: the chicken hunter. Armed with all manner of fearsome weapons, these daring warriors set out in search of the precious meat and eggs of the chicken, bravely battling the clucking critters – a perfect representation of Man against Society – and bringing back sackfuls of the birds, along with as many of their eggs as they can carry home unbroken. Some have even penetrated into the deepest nests of the avian attackers, carrying home horrific tales of the legions upon countless legions of chickens that stand grim sentinel there, and of the near-death escapes that such legions entail. There is the tale of Tvar, a little village in the north of Vojvodina-Nihon, which – besieged by literally thousands of the birds – held out bravely with nothing but slingshots and heavy sticks until the militia arrived and dispelled the assault. (Guess what was for dinner.) More than anything else, Vodinians are held together by their mutual hatred for chickens.
[The Basic Statistics of Vojvodina-Nihon]
All told, Vojvodina-Nihon has anywhere between two million and fifty-four billion inhabitants. Official censuses tend to be either ridiculously overinflated (the Great People’s Dictatorship of Vojvodina-Nihon, otherwise known as Surfeit, claims a population of 21 billion loyal followers of the socialist revolution) or underinflated, and thus likely true (the Houseboat Commune has a total population of 7). Generally, official information from anyone but the Royal Family is not to be trusted; even the Royal Family itself, and its wide variety of courtiers and Imperial Guards, is rarely capable of providing accurate information.
The most recent accurate survey of Vojvodina-Nihon occurred under its relatively long period as a protectorate of Malaysia (almost a month); a man named Matthew Lajef set it upon himself to journey throughout the nation, collecting valuable data that, while perhaps not scientifically accurate enough, gives us a good idea of some necessary information on the nation of Vojvodina-Nihon, or rather the entity comprising the various Governments.
Geography
Approximate Area – To go around the borders of Vojvodina-Nihon by donkey takes twelve days and twelve nights.
Coastline – None; Vojvodina is landlocked.
Highest Point – Officially, Mount Sharchan in Surfeit, at 29,000 metres; although upon visiting it Lajef found it to be a small hill only about ten metres tall.
Lowest Point – Along the Danube River (about 45 m above sea level)
Terrain – Mountainous, yet fertile; rugged, yet yielding to those crops which are wisely planted.
Climate – Cool temperate; warm summers and cold winters.
People
Population – In Lajef’s travels, he found that most Governments ruled between thirty and three hundred thousand persons. Thus it can be inferred that the total population of Vojvodina-Nihon is between ten and fifteen million.
Ethnicity – A melting pot of Slavic, Magyar, Anglo-Saxon, Japanese, Pacific Islander, Jewish, and sub-Saharan Africans.
Religion – Varies widely. Some people claim multiple religions; Wicca, Jainism, Reform Judaism, the Baha’i faith, and belief in the ancient Norse and Greek gods are common.
Languages – While virtually everyone speaks Pig Latin, ASL, and Klingon, every Government has invented its own language which it mandates (or does not mandate) its people must speak.
Age structure – About one-third of the population is under the age of 18, and one-fortieth over the age of 60. Most Vodinians are young adults or middle-aged.
Ratios:
Cars per person – 268 per 1000
TV sets per person – 60 per 1000
Computers per person – 37 per 1000
Internet access per person – 9 per 1000
Schools per family – 555 per 1000 families
Donkeys per person – 3732 per 1000
Pigs per person – 2485 per 1000
Sheep per person – 5086 per 1000
Chickens per person – at least 33000 per 1000; no accurate tally has ever been made of the chicken population.
Rate of vegetarianism – 7.65%
Literacy – 35.5%
Healthcare:
The nation has six hospitals and 1,078 individual clinics. Common methods of treating diseases include leeching and consumption of various humours (blood, phlegm, black bile, yellow bile) to restore the balance. More modern healthcare methods are common in the misnamed Technocracy, as well as other more developed governments: Random, the Monarchy, Halo 4 (the "health pack" which immediately restores up to 50% of your health), Epilepsy and so on. Tourists are advised to hire a personal doctor before arriving in Vojvodina-Nihon.
Military information:
Individual governments may control between zero and twenty thousand military personnel. Total military personnel nationwide is estimated at approximately 300,000.
The largest individual military forces are those of the Empire of Vojvodina-Nihon, a force of approximately 12-15,000 footmen and 2-4,000 cavalry. Weapons include swords, spears, halberds, lances, longbows, shortbows, and occasionally crossbows or arquebuses. The Empire also has the largest number of war machines, including 25 mobile catapults, six siege towers, and twenty standalone battering rams.
Nonetheless, the most powerful military forces are probably those of the Technocracy, whose 1,750 robotic personnel sport personal jetpacks and heavy laser cannons; Halo 4, in which the military is divided fairly evenly between guns, grenades, and hand combatants; Boondocks, virtually the entire population of which wields a gun of some kind; and Metropolis, in which the military consists entirely of Superman and a coterie of villians, provided the government can convince them to work together for a change. In addition, the Royal Guard -- while admittedly using the same outdated equipment as the Empire -- is made up of some of the best-trained and best-armoured warriors around, and is said to be capable of defeating modern troops armed with guns.
The military forces of most other nations resemble those of the Empire on a smaller scale.
[More coming soon. Stay tuned!]