NationStates Jolt Archive

Presently there exist in the Goblin Clans area, 11 alliances, each of which claims the divine right to rule all the othres. Within these alliances 32 major clans and a very nearly infinite number of minor clans claim the absolute rulership of each alliance.
For the sake of diplomacy and such, a small council composed of those alliances which have some interest in outside relationships has formulated a fairly basic guide to Goblinoid relations. Please read it carefully and do try not to insult anybody by accident.

Goblins and Embassies, a Basic Guide.

Presently, there are 11 alliances which claim large amounts of land within the Goblin Clans region, these are identified by color in most cases, because nobody can agree on proper names for them.
The alliances are:
Grey (Three Feathers, Brightshield, Central, Bird, Twenty Three Mountains, One Long Island)
Yellow (Fire, Five Five, Two Star, Bright Star, Wind)
White (Two Skulls)
Green (ThunderHammer, Biters, Five Star, Swamp Eaters, Deep Downers)
Red (Bloody Island)
Dark Red (Gorgs, Snikts, Bosses)
Orange (Dakka Dakka Dakka, Blood Axes, Speeders)
Brown (Clan Cant Think of a Name Because Those Five Sparks Bastards Stole Our Name, One Island, Diggers, Unseen)
Blue (Even More Bossy)
Grey-Blue (More Dakka, Scarboys)
and purple. (More Bossy)

Clan-name translations are rough at best, the exact translation of Goblinese into English is a difficult task.

Of these alliances, the following have an interest in relationship with outsider nations:
Grey
Yellow
Green
Orange
Brown
Grey-Blue
And, to some extent, dark red.

The other alliances are, of course, uncivilized barbarians who would most likely eat any delegates sent to them, it is generally best to ignore them or, failing that, employ some sort of airstrike upon their territory.
On the note of uncivilized barbarians, the dark red alliance delegate express their opinion that while humans are a bunch of soft skinned pansy punks who couldnt fight their way out of a den of dead glow worms, they are quite interested in buying lots and lots and lots and lots (and lots) of weapons.

The remainder are interested in more permenant outside relations along the lines of assistance in crushing their rivals underfoot.

Goblin Politics, a Summary
Goblin politics can be summed up in a fairly simple term:
Chaos
Most positions in Goblin society are inherited via ceremonial duels in which the new leader/official kills the old one. The exception being the Low King which is an office held until 'natural death'. The Low King is elected by vote from all of the clans, and while essentially a figurehead, commands great respect amoung any Goblins in his immidiate vicinity, although once he has departed those Goblins will most likely return immidiatly to their previous activities.
Clan leaders hold their positions by being devious little bastards or by being extremly respected, or both. It is quite common for deviousness to be highly respected amoung Goblins and as such being a connicing, scheming, absolute jackass doesnt disqualify you from being respected anymore than selling your own grandmother for a nickle, which is an ancient Goblin tradition dating back thousands of years. Where Goblins got nickles thousands of years ago is a mystery we have yet to resolve.
Alliances operate on the basic political ideal of, "We dont like you, but we dont like those other guys more, so we'll deal with them before we deal with you.", as such, allied forces operate as a single army under the command of the highest ranking Goblin present. If two commanding Goblins are of the same rank, there is usually a fight between the opposing command staff to determine who gets to lead the army, the last concious Goblin then takes command.
Between the more 'civilized' alliance exists a state of what one might call 'good natured war', Goblins as a people are prone to outbursts of random violence if their needs for such acts are not met on a regular basis, as such, the international sport of all Goblin nations is going to your neighbors house and getting a raid together. Of course, given half a chance, any of the major alliances would happily take over any one of the others, but as an equillibrium of sorts presently exists, this doesnt happen much.

Basic Manners
As humans seem to find Goblin mannerism somewhat rough, this guide includes basic ettiquitte for dealings between humans and Goblins. As this guide is being issued to the various alliance and clan diplomatic personelle, this section applies to both Goblins and Humans.

1. The basic handshake is acomplished by extending the arm at roughly a fourtyfive degree angle (up or down, depending on species), grasping the others hand and shaking vertically in a firm motion. Do not attempt traditional tribal or clan greetings such as headbutts, earpulls, handbites, groin kicks, discharging of firearms, meeting-scarring or back stabbing.
Advice to humans: Do not attempt to hug a Goblin. Do not give any gift you do not expect to be immidiatly opened, inspected and possibly bartered to another passing Goblin with a gift the Goblin you gave your gift to wants.

2. Do not squat, bend over, lean over or otherwise make issue of the height of a Goblin. While most Goblins are not particularly sensitive to their height, many feel extremly uncomfortable when somebody leans over them, and uncomfortable Goblins typically experience a strong fight or fight relfex. The letter L is a late comer to the Goblin alphabet and so was not included in that particular phrase.
Goblins, do not climb on any human diplomats. Do not offer to purchase their wives. Do not attempt to kill them in a friendly and good natured way.

3. Goblins traditionally carry a rather large number of weapons, and often feel uncomfortable without them. Uncomfortable Goblins often end up becoming weapons in and of themselves, however, Goblin diplomatic staff are highly trained individuals who have taken a series of 'Unarmed Diplomacy Classes' and are highly skilled at not needing weapons. However, virtually all Goblin royalty, high officials, low officials, middling officials and everybody else, are, from birth, acompanied by at least two weapons at all times. It is inadviseable to attempt to part a Goblin from at more than half of its total arsenal.
Goblins, if your human counterpart is not armed, do not offer to purchase, supply, rent or loan him a weapon. This often makes them uncomfortable and can result in negative perception of you and your clan/alliance.

4. Gender amoung Goblins is virtually indestinguishable unless a female Goblin is pregnant. Typically Goblins respond well to male address in cases where other titles do not take precidence. Addressing a male Goblin as a female is not a dire insult, but will not improve that Goblins opinion of you. Addressing a female Goblin as female may impress them slightly, but is generally not worth the risk.
Goblins, do not compliment human females on their anatomical features. This is considered rude, and they are quite aware that they have enormous meat sacks on their chests.

5. Human diplomatic staff in Goblin territory should be heavy sleepers. Typical Goblin settlements are active twenty four hours a day, as they are mostly underground and Goblin sleep patterns depend on their job, how often theyre above ground and a variety of other factors. Loud explosions, fights, gun battles and various loud noises are not uncommon throughout most of the day.
Goblins, do not discharge firearms on human embassy grounds, at human embassies, at humans, near humans, above, below, to the left or right of humans. Do not detonate explosive devices outside of human embassies. Do not launch fireworks at human embassies. Do not attempt to ram human embassies with any vehicles. Do not form large mobs outside of human embassies to hurl things at the gates, walls or buildings of those embassies.

6. The typical Goblin diet consists of a mixture of large insects and fungus. Many Goblin food items are, in fact, highly toxic to humans and it is not adviseable that humans attempt to consume them. Likewise, a number of human foods are toxic to Goblins, thus, do not offer candy to Goblin children or, in fact, any Goblin at all.
Goblins, many humans are unsettled by consumption of live insects. During diplomatic functions please supply only cooked insects to those present, remember the knife-and-fork training as well. Do not talk with your mouth full and do not offer to share.

7. While significantly shorter in stature than humans, Goblins are roughly as physically strong as humans, and are, in general, 'tougher' than the average human. It is not advisable to attempt to arm wrestle, thumb wrestle, wrestle, playfully punch or otherwise attempt to engage a Goblin in any physical contest, as most Goblins will treat such contests as they treat ALL contests, and attempt to win in any way possible, often resulting in grevious bodily harm.
Goblins, breath holding contests are acceptable provided you remember not to attempt to punch the other competitor in the solar plexus.

8. Almost all Goblins exhibit what is known as the 'talks like dis' accent when speaking in human languages. This is unadvoidable. It is generally advisable not to attempt to correct a Goblins speech unless your Goblinese is exceptionally good.
Goblins, do not insult humans in Goblinese. Do not engage in hurried and whispered conversations in Goblinese in the presence of human diplomatic staff. Do not glance at them threateningly. This unsettles them.

Present Goblin Political Relations:
Please note that establishing an embassy with one alliance renderes it impossible to establish relations with any other alliance, as recognition of any other alliance means that a nation does not recognize the other alliances, as all of the alliances claim to be the true leaders of the Goblin Nation.

Political:
Grey
Toopoxia

Yellow
No Taxes

Green

Orange
Sven's Crusader Dudes

Brown

Grey-Blue
Kirav
New Brittonia

Dark-Red
Alfegos


Attached is a map of the various Goblin clans, the green areas on the Eastern Island represent minor clans which do not belong to any alliance, but are quite vicious and will generally attack anybody who comes near them. Its best to avoid them.

OOC:
Just your standard 'lol embassy' thread with some flavor text. Feel free to align with whatever particular alliance you like, theyre all pretty much even right now in military terms.

>_>

(OOC: Hey, I've been reading your topics and they are pretty sweet, I used to RP as Goblins myself and your posts have got me feeling all nostalgic, hmmm, anyways, this me celebrating your nation, well done! :P)

Diplomatic Message from Toopoxia to Whomsoever this Reaches

The Toopoxicans are interested in furthering the diplomatic relations between our two great nations, we will, with permission, send a delegate to the leader of whichever Alliance this message reaches first, unwilling to have this diplomat subjegted to some of your lesser admirable traits we have picked from our front line fighting forces, we also wish to have 5 Armed Guards escort this diplomat.

Signed,
Consul Gallus Raexe.

Consul Raexe,
Our diplomatic personel are highly trained specifically to avoid offending or harming humans in any way. It does take several years, but by the end they are quite civilized and a number even manage to stay sane.
Regardless of all that, an airstrip will be marked for your arrival in the Twenty Three Mountains Clan territory, unfourtunatly we lack, as yet, any dedicated airports free of constant bombing.
Warlord Anklebiter will meet you there, where he will be pleased to discuss the diplomatic future of his alliance over a game of Goblin Ball.
Chief Minister Ferx Brightshield, Grey Alliance

OOC:
Heh, thanks

Official Communique to the Yellow Alliance

Greetings Clans Fire, Five Five, Two Star, and Bright Star Wind, No Taxes wishes to set up diplomatic relations with your alliance. We request permission to send in a small diplomatic team with 12 armed guards. Also, we would like to bring several other weapons with us as gifts to your alliance and if you like these weapons we can bring many more in subsequent trips for cheap prices.

Cordially,
Vsevolod Aleksander
Foreign Minister of No Taxes

We here in the VDB would like to have embassies with all of the clans (despite their anti-vampire stance)

Minister Aleksander
We would be pleased to have you. It is inadviseable to attempt to sail through, fly over, travel near or stare at the Bloody Islands for too long, so we advise taking the north-eastern approach to the Yellow alliance states, or the North Western approach over land.
Feel free to come in the biggest plane you've got. Unlike those lazy grey gits we've got a fully functioning international airport! It took a while, but we just finished it. You know, you'll be the first international flight to land there. Congrats, we'll have a fruit basket ready.
Supreme Daimyo Thighbiter, Yellow Alliance

The Vanek Drury Brieres goverment has recieved a number of notes from the various alliances issueing please, threats, attempts at blackmail, bribery, cajoulery and sexual solicitations regarding its stance recognizing all of the alliances. No alliance is willing to establish relations with somebody who recognizes any of the other alliances.

"5 minutes till landing," buzzed the plane's intercom.

Vsevolod sighed, "Marcel, remind me why we are coming to this godforsaken shithole to set up relations with a bunch of bloodthirsty little goblins?"

"Well I think the main reason is that we never even knew there were even any goblins around before and the leadership back in No Taxes is curious. Of course if we can help this Yellow Alliance gain enough power, with some of our weapons, we would have a lot of influence in the region and you never know if they have any useful resources."

Marcel Vespasien, a small, dark-haired man, was to be the ambassador to the Yellow Alliance and had been thoroughly versed in Goblin etiquette and society, though, as he mused wryly, even all that might not be enough to keep him safe among the goblins.

Upon reaching the airport, the small diplomatic jet carrying the two diplomats and their guards landed first and was followed by the large cargo jet carrying the weapons that had been promised to the Yellow Alliance. Vsevolod and Marcel left the jet ready to meet their goblin counterparts.

The Alfegos government is interested in meeting a representitive of the Red Alliance. This is so they can keep an eye on nuclear weaponry development, and stop them from potentially blowing themselves off the face of the planet, as well as their country, reputation and asses.

Alfegos guys,
We dont plan on blowin' uselves up, yer free to come'n watch if you want, dunt blame us if you get eaten tho.
Jut Grod, Some Important Goblin Thing

Thighbiter International Airport, Brightstar Clan
Vsevolod and company were greeted by a small group of Goblins, two of which appeared to be engaged in a heated arguement in regards as to which of them got to speak to the humans. While they were attempting to strangle each other, another goblin in what looked like a rather ancient Japanese helmet stepped forward and extended a hand.
"I'm Thighbiter. Good tae see ya 'ere. S' a damn shame we built this bloody airport 'n nobody bloody uses it. Gotta whole freakin' ton a' planes though. See?"
The Goblin gestured to the extensive lineup of planes which appeared, in many cases, to be significantly older than all those present. An Il-62, possibly first run to judge by its appearance, had a large Goblin painted on the side, grinning happily. The words 'Goblin Airlines' were scrawled underneath in both Latin letters and Goblin runes.
"Damn shame. Anyway! Yer here fer th' whole emb-assy thing, right? C'mon! We got'cha som' damn fine real estate with a bloody great view o' one o' th' best fightin' spots in th' whole bloody country." The Goblin turned about and, after kicking his subordinates up, walked over to what appeared to be a heavily modified T-28 tank, complete with all eight turrets, most of which had been modified to take larger calibur weapons. It was painted canary yellow.
"S' my pride an' joy, found it inna junkyard somewhere 'r other, had th' boys take a look at it and fix it up fer real fightin'. S' got a hot tub in th' back." The Goblin laughed loudly as he pried open a hatch and gestured to the humans to step inside, "Figure we'd discuss this in more comf'terble surroundings, eh?"

The Alfegos government will not, as such, watch your caln, but will observe via EITS 14. If you have any queries in making a nuclear weapon, we will be glad to send a representitive to help.

The United Socialist States of New Brittonia would like to establish diplomatic relations with the Grey-Blue clan. Prime Minister David Flower would like to visit the leader(s) of the Grey-Blue clan to discuss military technology and trade.

Signed,
Foreign Minister of the United Socialist States of New Brittonia
Sarah Lynch

Vsevolod took his hand and shook it in the Goblin manner and after introducing Marcel climbed into the "tank", with a dubious look.

"I don't know if you noticed," he said ,"but that big cargo plane that landed just after us is carrying some weapons you might be interested in, including a more...modern tank. It doesn't have 8 turrets, but I think you would find its armor and mobility very adequate compared to..."

At this point Marcel jumped in to avert the danger of Vsevolod insulting the goblins, "So this real estate where the embassy will be is nice?"

Alfegos guys,
'Kay, you do that. We'll ask if we need anyfing.
Jut Grod, Some Important Goblin Thing

Minister Lynch
Good to know, we'll make a dock ready for you to present yer wares 'n all that. If you want embassy space we've got a bit, but its all underground 'cause those red bastards are dropping shells on us again and we still cant find their damned artillery emplacements.
Skor Skar, Blue Clan Diplomatic Goblin

The Goblin looked puzzled, "Eight turrets's more fun, more places ta fit guns in. Whats th' point of a tank if it dont have 'least six or seven guns on it, eh? We made sure ta' fix 'is one up wif proppa guns an' sum decent armor 'n stuff, it does well 'nough in the brawls." Thighbiter grinned, "'Sides, this ones got more space 'n any o' those 'modern' tanks once ya take out that friggin' junker engine and give itta nice fixer'upper deal. Makes the fing a lot fasta' to. But we can talk 'bout tanks 'n stuff later! Right now ye'll want ta be seein' yer spot, eh? It ain't a lot right now, but ye'll be able tae fix it up in no time flat, sure 'nough."
The interior of the tank was, indeed, well appointed. The Goblins had apparently obtained large amounts of fine leather, silk and various other pleasantries, including a minibar which seemed to be stocked with vodka.
The Goblin withdrew a bottle, "Want some? Damn good stuff, bought it off the Bloody Islanders a while ago, figure they stole it from some rich tourist or somefin'."

Marcel accepted some vodka, sipping it slowly and looking around at the inside.

"If you like this vodka, we can get you some more very easily."

Vsevolod spoke up at this point, "This is very nice. One wouldn't think that this was the inside of a war machine. Are all your tanks like this?"

The Goblins grin widened further, "We got plenty a' vodka. Ye'd be suprised how many ships try ta' get 'frough th' Bloody Islands. Thos' Goblins might be bloody bastid's, but they'se damn good pirates, they is." Thighbiter sat back in a reclining chair, "Nah, I fink I'm th' only one who can afford this sorta posh gear fer' a tank, mebbe somma' th' genral's could'a got some stuff like this, but they'd put it in their caves 'r somefin', I jus' like gettin' ta' the battles comf'terble like. I'd hold on, by th' way."
At that point the tanks engine coughed and the whole assemblage rocketed forward at a pace which would have left any onlookers rather astonished, considering roughly thirty tons of metal had just accelerated to roughly thirty miles an hour (and climbing).

The diplomats managed to avoid to much injury by the rough start, thanks to the goblin's warning though Vsevolod continued to look around uneasily.

"What kind of engine do you use in these things to get this kind of acceleration," asked Marcel," Surely fuel consumption is horrendous?"

[ENCRYPTED COMMUNICATION]

We would like clearence to land International One,Delta, the Learjet 45 of Defence Minister Michael Johnson. We will land three C-130 airplanes to show our sample of weapons for sale, and possibly some tools so you can find those artillery entrenchments.

Signed,
Foreign Minister of the United Socialist States of New Brittonia
Sarah Lynch

[END OF MESSAGE]

New Brittonia guys,
We got this mail from you thats all full of wierd symbols 'n stuff. Werent really sure what to do with it so we gave it to the priests, they say its the world of the gods or something and added it to some holy book or something. The Supreme Moff congratulates you on becoming prophets and wants to know what to do with the airplanes that just landed in the jungle north of the capitol.
Skor Skar, Blue Clan Diplomatic Goblin

Thighbiter didnt seem too troubled by the sudden start. Once the tank was moving along it was a fairly smooth ride, despite the lack of official roads, so few vehicles used the paths that most of them werent too rough.
"Eh? I dunno, I jus' told 'em ta put th' best one dey had in dere, figure'd that'd do." The Goblin drained a glass of vodka and proceeded to pour himself another...and another, "Ah...we're almost dere. Jus' a sec." Removing his helmet and scrambling over the seat, the Goblin banged on one of the tanks bulkheads and screamed something at what was, presumably, the driver.
"Want'choo guys ta get a nice view when we stop, dis's sum primo real estate we gotcha. An' its far 'nough away tha' ya shouldnt be gettin' too many stray shells landin' in ur yard, eh? Hah!"

While getting out of the tank Marcel had a few questions for Thighbiter, "So you haven't built the actual embassy building yet, right? And is this in some kind of city or close to the center of power of Yellow Alliance?"

Defence Minister Johnson walked out of his Learjet. There were few places to land the jets, so they landed in some field. He hoped that the goblinsgot his message as he waited with thity members of the New Brittonian Air Force, armed with FAMAS rifles, secured the area.

"Heh? Ya! 'Course, I come down 'ere meself every week at least! If ya wanna find th' important Goblins, look fer where da fightsat, eh?" The Goblin hopped off the tank and gestured to the wide plains which stretched off to the north and south, "This's the biggest battlefield 'round here, right a'tween th' Thunder Hammers, Brightshields, an' us! Hah!" The entire area was covered in a variety of shell holes and quite torn up with tank tracks, scorch marks and the general detritus of battle. Perhaps a bit oddly, there were no wrecked tanks, or any metal parts left on the field, although there were numerous signs of heavy objects having been dragged in various directions. "Ye'r standin' on th' main headquartas fer' our coordinatin' th' battles fer this area, eh? Nobody'd agree on where else we could put'cha, all th' clans wanted yer embassy in their capital, so we put'cha right here where we can all come an' jabber at'cha."
"Dont worry tae much 'bout gettin' shot at. No real Goblin'd pick a fight wif somebody oo' wasn' ready tae fight. 'Cept those Bloody Islanders an' the Twoskulls...an' maybe th' Reds sometimes."
There was something like a building already on the spot, it appeared to have been a fort of some sort at one point, but was, at this point, mostly a wreck.
"Dis was some kinda' human mili'try fingy a few hundred years 'go, a'fore we killed 'em all fer some reason'r other. History, eh? S' fulla bastards. Never liked it m'self."

Most of the area around the Brittonian planes was jungle, quite dense jungle. The only audible noises, aside from whatever noises the jets and offloading/refueling/whatever were making, was a variety of interesting birdcalls.
And then, quite suddenly, a heavily scarred and quite unpleasant looking Goblin in jungle camoflage popped into existance a short distance from the defence minister. It was holding a rifle as well. It was not a FAMAS rifle. It wasnt even automatic, but it was REALLY big.
"'Allo, poppet." It grinned, displaying a set of teeth which would give any good dentist a heart attack, "An' wot moiught we 'ave 'ere, eh? I's a buncha' 'OOMIES. Y'know, we killed your lot a rlooong tim'go 'round 'ere. I dun' fink we invit'd yer lot ta coom back, did we?"

-----

Defence Minister Johnson stood still, observing the situation, the rest of the troops held their guns at the ready. A tall Sikh man in forest camouflage, the branch of service identified by a pin on his turban, pointed his Beretta 92 pistol at the man and said,
"Who are you, and what are you doing here? We are operating on a diplomatic visit from the United Socialist States of New Brittonia, protecting Minister Johnson. Put that gun down, sir. If you do not speak English we will translate for you, I speak English, Hindi, and Punjabi. I have men hat are fluent in English but also speak Spanish, Italian, Arabic, Dutch, and some others. Now, I told you put that gun down, unless you do not speak English then you will do as I say. You hear?"

The Goblin laughed, "Ye think ye'r in any kinda position tae be makin' demands o' me?"
A bronze sphere was hurled out of the jungle, rolling to a halt just in front of the man. Directed by narrative necessity, it rolled to a halt with its unlit fuse pointing straight up. It was rather larger than your average grenade and, if detonated, would have easily taken out pretty much everybody participating in the conversation.
"Ye'see, I've got 'bout a' 'undred o' mah boys out dere, and most o' dem got sum kinda gun, so why dun'cha answer ma' quest'chuns a'fore ye go wavin' round yer fancy-pants'd little toy guns, eh, Mr. Hindi?"

Marcel took both the fort and the battlefield in with one sweeping glance, "It looks like a very nice spot. You understand of course that we'll be bringing in construction crews to revamp the building and seeing as this is so close to the fighting perhaps some defenses. But now that we have the business of the embassy location settled, perhaps you would be interested in acquiring some weapons to aid in your fight with the other goblin alliances? There also exist many mercenary corporations in No Taxes whom would probably be willing to fight for you, for a suitable price of course."

-snip-

The Defence Minister muttered,
"God, i'm going to have to take care of this myself"

He walked up to the soldiers and whispered something to the lieutenant.

The lieutenant then said,
"Fall in!"

The men formed a straight line

He then said,
"Weapons down"

They placed their weapons on the ground.



The Defence Minister said to the goblin,
"He's Sikh, not Hindu. Now, in these planes are some of the finest weapons that you will ever find, so we placed our guns down and are trying to be peaceful abut it. So please take us to your leader so we may show you these new weapons, capeach?"

"No problem wit' that," Thighbiter nodded, "Heh, if yer gonna build somefin' get a nice watch tower'r somefin', ya can charge e'ery Goblin in these parts what isn' inna fight ta watch." Chairs and a table were produced by a number of goblins who seemed to materialize out of the ground. A small canopy was erected and various foods were produced, the Goblin warlord gestured to the men to sit down.
"Dont eat anyfin' onna red plate, tha's the stuff what'll kill ya. Everyfin' else is fine." The Goblin was loading his plate with a number of items from the red dishes, and more vodka, "We 'ad somma those sciency guys 'ere a while 'go. 'Pparently Goblins's got a whole diff'rnt pissylogigy 'n humans. We got three lungs, d'ja know 'at?" Something was trying to scramble off of Thighbiters plate, the Goblin didnt seem to notice, "An' green blood. I din't believe humans 'ad red blood 'till I saw one bleedin'. The Islanders was tryin' ta sell 'im off as a slave 'r somefin'. They'd bit 'is fingers off a'fore hand though, so we just sent 'im off west ta th' humans over there."

---

The Goblin seemed highly amused by this, "Sick, eh? Dun't got no hoomie doc's 'round here, 'e'll just have tae tough it out, oy. 'Ey, jus' a wee quick question for ye. Wot's stoppin' us from killin' alla'yas an' takin' yer guns fer ourselves, eh? I dunt 'fink annebody said anyfin' 'bout us bein' wif da Skarboys gov'ment. An' 'ere ye lot 'r settin' down yer guns an' givin' us a lotta nice targets, eh? An' after ye' went an' used our patch fer landin' yer planes on." The Goblin stepped forward slightly, "Tell ye' what. We'll let'cha be on yer way an' dealin' with 'ooever ye want fer onna' those planes an' everyfin' innit. Sound like a fair price ta ye? Yer lives or yer plane, hah!"

---

The Goblin seemed highly amused by this, "Sick, eh? Dun't got no hoomie doc's 'round here, 'e'll just have tae tough it out, oy. 'Ey, jus' a wee quick question for ye. Wot's stoppin' us from killin' alla'yas an' takin' yer guns fer ourselves, eh? I dunt 'fink annebody said anyfin' 'bout us bein' wif da Skarboys gov'ment. An' 'ere ye lot 'r settin' down yer guns an' givin' us a lotta nice targets, eh? An' after ye' went an' used our patch fer landin' yer planes on." The Goblin stepped forward slightly, "Tell ye' what. We'll let'cha be on yer way an' dealin' with 'ooever ye want fer onna' those planes an' everyfin' innit. Sound like a fair price ta ye? Yer lives or yer plane, hah!"


He laughed a bit,
"Hey, I heard that the Red Clan is bombing your guys. I have UAV's that can find their position for you. Only we know how to use them. . . we will give you the computers and everything, just let us see Skar and it will be easy trying to kill the red clan."

The Empire wishes to establish embassies and relations with the Grey clans.

The Goblin raised an eyebrow, "Da Gorg's ain't boverin' us all'a ways out 'ere. Mebbe I din't make me'self clear 'nough. Y'see, we ain't wif da Blues, Reds, or anni'buddy. We just 'appen tae run this li'l airfield 'ere. Call it taxes, allite? Pay fer yer landin' rights, eh?"

---

The Blue Alliance will accept your offer, Kirav.

Excellent. Where would the Blue Alliance have us build our Embassy?

The Minister said,
"Fine. . . I will give you hmmm. . . five thousand new pound sterling if you let us leave with all of our stuff. . . is that fair?"

OOC: Isn't this too much trouble for what it was worth?

Kirav, oh, wherever you like. Any old place will do.

---

The Goblin raised an eyebrow, "Pounds o' what? Wut'sa sterling?"

OOC:
Maaaaaaaybe~

The Goblin raised an eyebrow, "Pounds o' what? Wut'sa sterling?"

OOC:
Maaaaaaaybe~

The Minister rolled his eyes and said
"Money, cash, you use it and you buy things with it."
OOC: Were you on NS before?

"Oh, so ye're tryin' tae BRIBE me, eh? I fought I was sum kinda' 'portant gov'mnt officials or somefin. Dat'd be ILLIGAL, dat would. I find we'll just be off wi' one o' dese nice shiney planes 'ere, den ye' can just be on ye'r way an' we wont bover ye' nae again."

OOC:
Maaaaaaaaaaaybe~ ;)

"Oh, so ye're tryin' tae BRIBE me, eh? I fought I was sum kinda' 'portant gov'mnt officials or somefin. Dat'd be ILLIGAL, dat would. I find we'll just be off wi' one o' dese nice shiney planes 'ere, den ye' can just be on ye'r way an' we wont bover ye' nae again."



He said,
"You better not. All of the doors to the planes are locked. Only we can open them, that is the one with the password, get it wrong and BOOM! The fact of the matter is that we have so much sample explosives, and the jet fuel, that all of us will be killed if you touch that plane. So get away and we all will live."


OOC- Going to bed.

"An' 'oo says we're goin' in frough' th' doors, eh?" The Goblin shrugged, "If we just kill alla ya, then we got alla' time in th' world ta' make a nice 'ole in th' side o' ye'r planes dere, eh? But, lemme guess, ye've got TIME BOMBS on ye'r planes, right?" The Goblin was grinning rather wider than it had been before.

"An' 'oo says we're goin' in frough' th' doors, eh?" The Goblin shrugged, "If we just kill alla ya, then we got alla' time in th' world ta' make a nice 'ole in th' side o' ye'r planes dere, eh? But, lemme guess, ye've got TIME BOMBS on ye'r planes, right?" The Goblin was grinning rather wider than it had been before.

"No, not time bombs. . . password protected doors, wrong password and boom, baby, we're all gone. So I gave you a ggenerous offer, so take it and leave now before we all die."

The Goblin sighed, planting a palm firmly on its forehead, "Ye jus' don' get it, do ye? Ye hoomies' r' alla same, eh? Aye ca' see why we killed th' lotta ye a while ago. Ye're just too bloody thick tae understan', ain't'cha?"
The Goblin was leaning against his rifle now, looking slightly exasperated, "Ay'll say i' i' simple words for ye'. Tell me, why don' we jus' kill alla ye, as i', we shoot ye in th' face, an' tak' all yer' shiney toys anyway, eh? Seems tae me tha's th' easies' way fer' me. But bein' th' genr's soul aye am, Oi'm givin' ye a chance tae 'splain tae me why I shouln' jus' shoot ye."

The Kiravian team set up their encampment in the territory of ∆≣. Whitewood, the translator, listens for approaching goblins in the woods. They need not go to the goblins, sooner or later, the goblins would come to them.

The Goblin sighed, planting a palm firmly on its forehead, "Ye jus' don' get it, do ye? Ye hoomies' r' alla same, eh? Aye ca' see why we killed th' lotta ye a while ago. Ye're just too bloody thick tae understan', ain't'cha?"
The Goblin was leaning against his rifle now, looking slightly exasperated, "Ay'll say i' i' simple words for ye'. Tell me, why don' we jus' kill alla ye, as i', we shoot ye in th' face, an' tak' all yer' shiney toys anyway, eh? Seems tae me tha's th' easies' way fer' me. But bein' th' genr's soul aye am, Oi'm givin' ye a chance tae 'splain tae me why I shouln' jus' shoot ye."


"Because if you do, the entire strength Brittonian military will be on you quicker than white on rice. How will the international community feel about that you are attacking people on diplomatic visits? We can drum up a lot of support against you quicker than you against us."

"An' ye thin' we care? Like oi said, we ain't part'o th' guvernm'nt, I persn'ally dun' care two whiff's o' a molepig's arse what happens ta th' Skarboys, see? All'i see is a few tons'a some nice goodies sittin' on my runway, see? An' you, o' course. Sittin' between me an' them."

"An' ye thin' we care? Like oi said, we ain't part'o th' guvernm'nt, I persn'ally dun' care two whiff's o' a molepig's arse what happens ta th' Skarboys, see? All'i see is a few tons'a some nice goodies sittin' on my runway, see? An' you, o' course. Sittin' between me an' them."

"You don't know how to use them."

OOC- This is pissing me off

Still waiting in the cool woodland clearing in which they had constructed their encampment, the Kiravian contact team waits, and waits, and waits, for some goblin to realize tha there was a newcomer in their territory.

This brought raucous laughter, not only from the Goblin already on the airfield, but from the surrounding trees as well. It went on for some time. After he had recovered enough to wipe the tears from his eyes and re-compose himself, the Goblin looked at the Brittonian, then burst out laughing again.
Eventaully, he got himself under control.
"Nae, really. Give us ye'r guns or we shoot ye."

OOC:
You've run into the Goblin equivalent of the Indian Street Bagboy who helps you carry your bags to your car and then holds them hostage. He's not going away until you give him his ten dollars. Welcome to the Flarg.

Re-IC:

The Kiravians were met by a small delegation of Skarboys, who questioned them as to why they were there.

"Greetings, Goblins. We are humans from a place far over the seas, called Kirav. We come to trade with you, and possibly support you in your wars and begin a colony. We are from many clans in our homeland, and we live in forests as well."[This is all translated of course, so it's very simplified]

This brought raucous laughter, not only from the Goblin already on the airfield, but from the surrounding trees as well. It went on for some time. After he had recovered enough to wipe the tears from his eyes and re-compose himself, the Goblin looked at the Brittonian, then burst out laughing again.
Eventaully, he got himself under control.
"Nae, really. Give us ye'r guns or we shoot ye."



"Fine, take the FAMAS rifles. We'll make some more."

"We al'dy got plenty'a rifles. Ye' said ye' had sum nice toys on them planes, din'cha? Le's talk 'bout dose, eh?"

-

The Goblins looked somewhat puzzled, exchanging looks and then back at the Kiravians.
"Err...dat's nice. Liv'n in da forests, eh? Dats...nice." The speaker smiled, hiding his expression of slight concern, "Uh...so ye'r from Kirav, eh? Nice place. Ya...uh...good wine."

The Theocracy of Sven the Crusader would like to send a group of missionaries into this region, in order to share the Good News of Christ with the local Goblins. However, being from a Crusader state ourselves, and being familiar with the notion of rather constant warfare, we offer not just the weapons that our... esteemed colleages... from the other nations have offered. We also offer the services of the training battalion of our elite special forces unit, the Templars. This group of men will train any Goblins who are willing to fight, not just for their own glory, but for the glory of the Risen Christ. We can train them in advanced weaponry, small unit tactics, sniping, and point defence. Our missionaries are highly trained veterans of this unit, and will come heavily armed, and with a group of fifty Crusaders. There are 5 Missionaries, Father Cornelius, Father Grummond, and Brothers William, Stephen, and Bruce. We would appreciate the construction of a facility for the preaching of the Word, with nearby terrain suitable for combat training. Thank you, and God Bless.

Sven the Crusader <><
PS- We COULD include some advanced small-arms, as a token of our good will. We understand that Goblins like to remain armed. We not only accept this, we encourage it. All students at our mission will be issued a rifle and sidearm, for their willingness to participate.

The Orange Alliance is most intersted in your offer, Mr. Crusader Person.
You will find no shortage of Goblins willing to fight, a Goblin that doesnt want to fight isnt a Goblin, after all. Consider your offer accepted and our ports open to you. There might be some trouble with the Bloody Island Goblins, but we're sure you can deal with them if youre half as good a fighters as you say you are.
Grand Tsar Kerk Dakka Dakka Dakka of the Orange Alliance of the Flarg

OOC:
Dear god, do you know what youre doing? Youre taking already insane Goblins and making them into zealots ;)

To the Grand Tzar of the Orange Alliance,
First, I must clarify- these Goblins I ask for, they must be willing not only to fight, but to die, if need be... Second, you can expect our Missionary team to arrive within the next several days. They will come accompanied by a group of fifteen of the most experienced Templars in Task Force Martyr. They will come prepared to defend themselves. We ask for an escort from your airstrip to the site you have located. Our missionaries are prepared to direct the construction of our facility personally. After the initial teams arrival, they will establish the Mission, and once they are satisfied with the number of willing converts, the trainers and weapons will follow. No offense, and we do not wish to seem distrustful, but we have been burned before by other Heathens... er... natives, I mean. It got rather bloody, and dead Goblins, or anything else for that matter, make rather worthless converts. We wish to save your people, not speed them on their way to Hell. That being said, please ensure us safe passage. We DO have several Confessor class warships within range of your islands, but they can be inaccurate at times. It would be a shame for a few shells to land in your population centers... Our Missionaries are in prayer and fasting, and when they are prepared, Task Force Martyr will depart. Thank you, and God Bless.

Sven the Crusader <><


OOC:
Aye that I am, but I'm turning them into MY zealots! :sniper:
Question is, did you really want to give them to me? Also, if this business with the New Brittonians continues, could my boys perhaps demonstrate some prowess with a rescue op? Just a thought...

The various crusaders were met at the airport by a group of Goblins, most of them armed in what, for Goblins, counted as 'politely dressed' rather than 'excessivly overgunned'.
"Mornin', you lot'r th' krooz-aiders, eh?" One Goblin, wearing a helmet which prominently displayed a Red Star complete with hammer and sickle motiff, stood forward from the group. Behind them, several tanks modified on a standing equal to that of the earlier T-28 were chugging away. One of them appeared to have started life as an M4, but some madman with a welding iron had mounted what appeared to be a modern 122mm gun in a sponson on the main hull. It was also giving off thick clouds of black smoke, and backfiring occasionally.

OOC:
Goblins are nobody's. Not even their clans can control them in a reliable fashion :P
I think Brittonia got piss because he couldnt buy off the airport authorities cheaply. I was waiting for him, but...I dont think hes coming back, eh?

The ramp to the massive Naval dropship lowered slowly. As it did, the internal blast-doors were revealed. There was a lound "pop", followed by a hiss as built in smoke grenades fired off, creating a thick gray cloud. The Goblins could hear the blast doors grind open, and then... silence. Suddenly, a group of mechanical voices began singing a hymn. Five men, suited in powered armor that gave them the appearance of robots, came clanking down the ramp. When they reached the bottom, the Goblins waiting could see that they were easily seven feet tall. As soon as they had reached the bottom of the ramp, one of them held up his hand, and the additional fifteen Templars, all of a more traditional size for a human, and wearing non-powered, although still very bulky, armor, rushed down and fanned out, aiming their strange guns at the Goblins. Two of them bore what appeared to be man-portable cannons, fed by belts of enormous shells. Two more carried rocket launchers, which they swept across the assembled tanks. The five Battle-priests strode forward, stopping in a cluster facing the waiting Goblin, with one missionary in the front of the group. The singing stopped at once, and the lead figure bowed his head slightly. His armor was a deep green, with a bright red Crusader's cross on one shoulder, and a crown of thorns on the other. The same thorns were painted around the crown of his helmet. He bore an extremely large gun, and had a large sword hanging from his hip. A mechanical voice rang out through external speakers on the helmet. "I am Father Cornelius. Are you the one who has been assigned to take us to our destination?" He gestured towards the waiting tanks. "Your... vehicles... should be able to carry our weight, if we spread out. I will accompany the leader of your group, and each of my Brothers will ride in a separate tank. The rest can ride either in or on those tanks that can hold them. The Priests scattered to the tanks with no audible conversation. One of them had a large hammer slung across his shoulder, and a pistol strongly resembling Corneli. Father Cornelius identified him as Father Grummond, the team's executive officer, and a close combat specialist. The others, with their assorted weaponry, were left anonymous for the time being. The entire team mounted up, without speaking a word. Additional crates were strapped to the tops of each of the tanks, closely and jealously watched by the heavily armed infantrymen, and Task Force Martyr, with its local escorts, left the clearing a cloud of greasy black smoke. With a roar, the dropship rose from the forest, and disappeared into the distance.

OOC:
I suppose I should have asked if I could bring in some Sci-Fi. If you would rather keep it current-ish, let me know, and I can delete this and repost. If you aren't familiar with it, I am stealing from Games Workshop's Warhammer 40,000 games, and using Space Marines for the Priests.

With New Britonnia, lets give him a couple days to post again, and then take over his guys. We can have some fun with them, before they meet a most horrible end... I may actually not be back for a while, as I move down to college tomorrow morning. I should be packing now... Also, I need to ask a question. Are your Goblins open to religion, namely a twisted, warlike version of Christianity? I was rather hoping for the promise of eternal reward to keep them in line for a bit.

OOC- ORANGE IS THE COMMUBIST ONE, NOW YOU SAY IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:upyours:

IC:
"Fine, take them. It really does not matter. But if you cannot run the UAV, it is not my problem."

OOC:
Sven, until you get 10 posts longer posts are subject to mod review, usually it takes a day and a half or so. Go make a bunch of posts on the spam forum to get your postcount up :)
Brittonia...theyre using scavenged surplus military equipment, and they like bright colors, theyre not communist anymore than the Yellows are Japanese.)

"Dats good, s'been nice doin' business wit' ya'z." The Goblin seemed rather pleased with himself, "Me an' th' boyz'll e'n help ya unload ye'r gear if ya' like, th' Skarboys 'r over in tha' direction," The Goblin indicated a mountain just visible through the thickening cloud cover, "S'gonna piss do' in a hour'r so though, ye' mi't wanna get sum cover if ye ha' any. Th' Werks come ou' when i' rains, ye dinnae wanna meet onna' 'em unexpect'd like, eh? Dere's a bunker on th' oder enda th' runway, ye can use i' if ye like. Th' Skarboys've got onna them raddy yo fings, so if ye ca' fin' 'em on tha' feel free tae call 'em in. Dey'll be pleased tae 'ear ye, I 'magine."

Seeing the concerned looks of the goblins, th Kiravians clarify, "We've come to trade, to buy your goods, to sell ours, and to help fight your enemies, we;ve come to asisst you."

OOC:
Thanks, like I said, I'm new at this.