NationStates Jolt Archive

Will It Blend?: Whyatican Firm Produces Giant Blender for Publicity Stunt

14-07-2007, 07:44
Image not to scale

Today, Miana BlendTec Corporation (NMSE: MBTC) is preparing to unveil it's latest stunt — the Total Blender MAX, a blender which is approximately 34 metres in height, and 65 metres in diameter — quite possibly, the largest blender ever constructed. The owners of Miana BlendTec have promised that the unveiling will be a "show that will never be forgotten", and they refused to give details on what their monstrous blender might be tested on. The unveiling begins at 1 PM Miana Standard Time.


Miana BlendTec Headquarters backlot, 12:30 PM Miana Standard Time
There were hundreds of safety officers lined up in the area, preventing the now thousands of onlookers from getting too close to the giant machine - nobody quite knew what would happen, and if this blender happened to explode … well, let's not get into that. In a corner of the backlot, there was a large crane, and near that was a covered pile of stuff that the people could only assume was the things they were going to blend.

Circling the blender itself were massive catwalks for the workers still putting the finishing touches. These catwalks ramped all the way to the top of the machine, where a thick composite alloy was all that stood in between the watching masses and flying bits of blended cars and whatnot. Much of this blender was constructed with cheap Clandonian labour — There were 350 million Clandonians with Imperial Whyatican citizenship, and they were not far from being second-class citizens, being used for cheap labour in most cases. Clandonian labourers swarmed over the massive machine, some standing on the top of it looking down, waving idiotically to people in the crowd.

Video cameras had been set up on the crane, in the input of the blender, near the massive, wicked blades, and near Tom Dickson, the host of the festivities.

Once the preparations were complete and the crowd was significantly riled, Tom yelled into his mic, "Will it blend? That is the question!" and a live band rolled into the theme music of Miana BlendTec Corporation, making the crowd go into a frenzy. The man with the crane attached the crane to the tarp, and began pulling the tarp away from the pile of crap to be blended.

"Today, we're unveiling our newest model, the Total Blender MAX. There isn't much I can say about it that you can't see just by looking at it, but I'd put some headphones on when we get this thing spinning up. You ready to see some blending?!" Tom said, and he put some earplugs in. People in the crowd did so, too, and Tom yelled to the men manning the machine itself, "Alright, boys, fire it up!"

The machine quaked for a second, it's massive blades seemingly refusing to turn. And slowly, the motors powering it revved up to speed, and the blades started to spin. As it got closer to top speed, the poor Clandonians manning the top of the blender had not yet gotten to a safer place, and one poor bastard was looking down into the input hole when a jolt hit him, and he fell facefirst into the blender. His life flashed before his eyes as he plummeted 34 metres in a very short span of time, and the crowd gasped as they saw him hit the blades. All his blood and guts spewed everywhere with a rather sickening noise, and all fell silent, except for the roar of the blades.


A lone man clapped in the crowd, followed by more, and more, and Tom, relieved that this didn't become a massive police disaster, waved to the crane operator to lower the first item into the blender — a massive Redwood tree from the Eastern Whyatican forests. As it lowered into the blender, an environmentalist man screamed insults at the BlendTec people for blending a tree, which was slightly ironic because he was the man who clapped when the Clandonian was blended.

The rest of the session went out without a hitch, and the crowd seemed to forget about the diced Clandonian man until it came time to clean out the blender. Then, mixed with car parts, tons of sawdust, bits of a small helicopter, and a decommissioned armoured fighting vehicle, an unfortunate cleaning crew member found the mostly-intact nose of the dead Clandonian.

Miana BlendTec Total Blender MAX is available to the public at cr109,995 per unit.
14-07-2007, 08:37
"Hot damn! It blends!" announced a random Izistani tourist at the majestic sight of total...blendation. Yes, that imaginary word works well enough. Then he went out and preordered one. Because it was that awesome.
14-07-2007, 09:08
To: the creators of this genius idea

Can I breathe this?

Thank you,

Roflman Serzik
14-07-2007, 09:11
The Tocrowkian Reich would like to express it's amazement and praise to the inventors of this genius, wonderful and fucking amazing idea! It shall surely benefit all of mankind, especially since it removed one of the vile creatures known as "Clandonians" from the gene pool.

-Reich Foreign Ministry-
Imperial isa
14-07-2007, 09:25
OOC is this what BL use to kill that woman
14-07-2007, 09:25
TO: Tom Dickson
FROM: His Imperial Majesty Emperor Conrad II
RE: lol blender

Do want. I'll wire you some money for one immediately!
His Imperial Majesty Emperor Conrad II
British Londinium
14-07-2007, 14:32
British Londinium would like to order seventy of these to supplement our existing giant blender reserves, which are primarily used for executions.