NationStates Jolt Archive

Ariddia: risk to tourists "critical" in OMGTKK

10-07-2007, 12:53
Ariddia raises tourism advisory level to crimson for the Federal Republic
Aki Takamatsu (, reporting live from Paradise City (

Well I'm here in Paradise City, the capital of Omigodtheykilledkenny (, and by most accounts the most dangerous city in the country. The grass may be green here and the girls may be pretty, as the official city motto goes, but the latest report from the Ariddian Secretariat for External Affairs insists that people here are living in constant fear for their lives.

The building here behind me is -or rather was- a supermarket. It was blown up two days ago by persons unknown. Exactly why anyone would want to blow up a supermarket is still a mystery, but one police officer told me investigators think the perpetrators may have mistaken this supermarket for a munitions factory. Others suggest it may have been disgruntled former employees, customers protesting against prices or the quality of products, bored teenagers, or the 'usual suspects' around here, Indigenous Kennyites ( The Fernanda administration, meanwhile, has promised decisive actions against "foreign terrorists in Tiki Taki and elsewhere".

It was the fourth building in three days to explode in or near the heart of the city, after a church, a sex shop and a laundrette. I'm told that an attempted terrorist attack on a nearby pub frequented mainly by Kennyite exploding penguins was narrowly averted just yesterday.

Partly in response to all this, the Ariddian authorities are now warning Ariddians to avoid travelling to the Federal Republic for any reason whatsoever. This means that the warning alert on travel to OMGTKK has been raised from red to crimson - its highest level. RĂªvane ( has also issued a reminder that Ariddians coming here may be at threat due to widespread anti-communist feelings among the mostly uneducated Kennyites. Plans to open an Ariddian cultural centre in Paradise City have, for now, been shelved.

Earlier I talked to the Ariddian ambassador to Omigodtheykilledkenny, Jane Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki ( The Ariddian embassy in Paradise City is among the most heavily defended Ariddian embassies anywhere in the multiverse. Ambassador Ranomezanjanahary-Souvanhnavongsa-Fincfeuiaki stated that the travel warning was not intended as a slight against the Kennyite authorities, and that bilateral relations remain "stable" between the two countries.

The ambassador said that President Fernanda ('s "somewhat unusual approach to government" is a "very interesting way of running a country".

For many people around the world, of course, lack of safety for travellers in the Kennyite capital won't have come as something new at all.

Aki Takamatsu, Action News 8, Channel Three ( and PINA (, in Paradise City.
26-07-2007, 23:27
Fernanda to PINA: 'Shut the hell up'
President Fernanda dealt a swift response to PINA's "reporting" on Thursday.

UN HEADQUARTERS (Paradise City Town Crier) --- Returning from his "working" vacation in Yelda on Thursday, President Fernanda reacted strongly to state-run Ariddian news network PINA's recent report on Paradise City violence, accusing the "communist propaganda racket" of "spreading lies" designed to cut into the profit margins of his corporate sponsors.

Meanwhile, the State Department and Secretary Alex Tehrani took pains to assure the Ariddian government that "the safety of tourists in our nation's capital remains a top priority."

Fernanda seemed determined to drown out such even-handedness, however, as he continued to rant and rave and swear and make obscene gestures at a UN news conference, while on a "goodwill visit" to the headquarters of the international organization.

"What's really going on here is we got a bunch of dirty communists wanting to decrease tourism and hurt business in capitalist nations, so they issue these unfounded warnings, and their media lapdogs follow it up with false reporting," said Fernanda. (Well, at least that's how his remarks read after being severely edited down to remain in compliance with local decency statutes.)

This was not the first time Ariddia had spread "falsehoods" about his home nation, Fernanda reminded the UN press corps, citing the Ariddian health ministry's abysmal rating ( of the Federal Republic's so-called "social rights."

"And they're at it again!" the president asserted, questioning the validity of reports of that many explosions in just a few days: "I used to go to that sex shop all the time, and I never got blown up once!" he claimed. "Never really visited the church, but you get what I mean."

Intending to teach reporters a lesson about "shoddy newsmaking," Fernanda then demanded if anyone in the press pool that day was from PINA. When no one would raise his hand, the president immediately pointed out Robert Choi, trying to sneak out of the room. "You!" he cried. "Yeah, you! Get your ass up here!"

Choi warily complied, as Fernanda taunted, "Yeah, bring your lyin', sorry Ariddian PINA ass up here." Choi was fiercely wedgied for his troubles. "See what lying about senseless violence gets you?" Fernanda said. "More senseless violence! Let that be a lesson for all of you."

But there were also 12 defenestrations (, three "Destructor Bunny (" incidents, five Strangers' Bar brawls, and two assembly-floor altercations that day at UN Headquarters, so Fernanda's antics hardly got top billing. (And they think Paradise City is violent! Heh.)

Around the same time, Tehrani was hosting Ariddian Amb. Jane RansdfjbaslhjkbsadcbasfgzgJfjhzjhbcvj- Srethutheadsdghesyghdckhjlsjfdlkj-Fincuaskiishgnasngfghsdnbfksky at his office in Paradise City's Green Zone, where he voiced his "concern" about PDSRA's tourist advisory, and promised, "The Federal Republic and local first-responders will do everything in their power to assure that all residents and visitors to Paradise City feel safe."

The ambassador was shot at several times as she entered and exited the Jackson Office Building, where the State Department maintains offices, but authorities assured the public the incidents were not terror-related; Kennyites just hate communists is all.