Ballygarvan
27-06-2007, 00:06
Today's headlines
President McAdoo shuns religious right
200 jobs created in Eraser Crumb Flicking sector
TV Presenter slammed for bad taste[B]
[B]Man breaks appendix in drunken brawl
New mental health initiative set up
Shootout on the turnpike. Herd of cattle slaughtered
And in Sports
Football Cup Final: Freisians beat Jerseys 3-2
President Joseph Q McAdoo today dismissed comments regarding the upcoming Euthanasia bill from the religious activist group, the Committee for the Upholding of National Trust in Serenity. President McAdoo was quoted as having said, "Get those religious nuts out of my office, Bob. Oh, crap is my mike still on? Son of a......"
Officials for the president have since released a statement saying the president was under immense stress at the time, as he had just been out drinking until 4am and was still feeling the effects of that last bottle of Buckfast.
The economy received a boost today with the announcement that the Bovine media is to create 200 jobs for Eraser Crumb Flickers. A recent rise in spelling mistakes has led to a proliferation of Print Correction Technicians, whose union last year called for support roles to be created in the field. Eraser Crumb Flickers Union head, Jonas Gimble [46], welcomed the news stating that "The Eraser Crumb Flicker is a vital role and provides much needed jobs, particularly for graduates in Sociology."
Elsewhere, popular tv presenter, Jeremy Oakenfield, was criticised for his use of foul language while interviewing Ballygarvan's cycling legend, Billy McNamara. NcNamara, who is set to defend his title in this year's Tour De Ballygarvan, was shocked by Oakenfield's use of foul language, describing him as a "very naughty person." Oakenfield's comments mustered 348 complaints from viewers. However, Oakenfield laughed off these remarks stating that his average nightly complaint rate was at around 400.
Downtown in the capital, a man was admitted to the emergency room complaining of stomach pains, having been in a bar room brawl. Doctors found his appendix to have been broken when a chair was rapped across his chest. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, picked a fight with a drunken sailor by singing "In the Navy" at him. "I've never seen anything like it," Doctor Garvey, chief surgeon at the George Formby Memorial Hospital said today, "It wasn't burst, it just snapped like a bone. This will make me rich and famous," before rambling on in an egotistical fashion. The drunken sailor in question is now said to be up for promotion for promoting the Navy's macho image.
The department of health has today set up the Innovative National Society for the Assistance of Nutcases and Eccentrics in a bid to combat mental illness. The society aims to raise awareness of the kind of emotional damage that can be caused by traumatic events such as war, accidents, bereavement or Lily Allen's music. Skeptics have dismissed the idea as "an obvious attempt to cash in on the acronym"
Turnpike 42 was the scene of a vicious shootout between authorities and members of the Upper Ballygarvan Liberation Front last night. Two gunmen fought with police for an hour before being their vehicle was destroyed by a rocket launcher. An entire herd of cattle was destroyed along with the vehicle in the explosion. Civil liberties groups have criticised the move, claiming that the rocket was only deployed because it had reached its legal use-by date and may not have been replaced if not used. The bodies of the gunmen remain unidentified, due to being little more than a smoking hole in the ground.
Last night's Dairy Cup Final ended in the final seconds of extra time when the Freisians' goalkeeper, Fernando "El Scorpio" Cardoza ran up the pitch and booted the ball into the Jerseys' goal from 20 yards. Celebrations for the team's first Dairy Cup win in 18 years are, reportedly still in progress. Cardoza was later reported to have been seen directing traffic in the nude.
That's all from Ballygarvan National News. On the hour (Give or take), whenever we can be bothered.
[Cue cheesy theme song]
President McAdoo shuns religious right
200 jobs created in Eraser Crumb Flicking sector
TV Presenter slammed for bad taste[B]
[B]Man breaks appendix in drunken brawl
New mental health initiative set up
Shootout on the turnpike. Herd of cattle slaughtered
And in Sports
Football Cup Final: Freisians beat Jerseys 3-2
President Joseph Q McAdoo today dismissed comments regarding the upcoming Euthanasia bill from the religious activist group, the Committee for the Upholding of National Trust in Serenity. President McAdoo was quoted as having said, "Get those religious nuts out of my office, Bob. Oh, crap is my mike still on? Son of a......"
Officials for the president have since released a statement saying the president was under immense stress at the time, as he had just been out drinking until 4am and was still feeling the effects of that last bottle of Buckfast.
The economy received a boost today with the announcement that the Bovine media is to create 200 jobs for Eraser Crumb Flickers. A recent rise in spelling mistakes has led to a proliferation of Print Correction Technicians, whose union last year called for support roles to be created in the field. Eraser Crumb Flickers Union head, Jonas Gimble [46], welcomed the news stating that "The Eraser Crumb Flicker is a vital role and provides much needed jobs, particularly for graduates in Sociology."
Elsewhere, popular tv presenter, Jeremy Oakenfield, was criticised for his use of foul language while interviewing Ballygarvan's cycling legend, Billy McNamara. NcNamara, who is set to defend his title in this year's Tour De Ballygarvan, was shocked by Oakenfield's use of foul language, describing him as a "very naughty person." Oakenfield's comments mustered 348 complaints from viewers. However, Oakenfield laughed off these remarks stating that his average nightly complaint rate was at around 400.
Downtown in the capital, a man was admitted to the emergency room complaining of stomach pains, having been in a bar room brawl. Doctors found his appendix to have been broken when a chair was rapped across his chest. The man, who cannot be named for legal reasons, picked a fight with a drunken sailor by singing "In the Navy" at him. "I've never seen anything like it," Doctor Garvey, chief surgeon at the George Formby Memorial Hospital said today, "It wasn't burst, it just snapped like a bone. This will make me rich and famous," before rambling on in an egotistical fashion. The drunken sailor in question is now said to be up for promotion for promoting the Navy's macho image.
The department of health has today set up the Innovative National Society for the Assistance of Nutcases and Eccentrics in a bid to combat mental illness. The society aims to raise awareness of the kind of emotional damage that can be caused by traumatic events such as war, accidents, bereavement or Lily Allen's music. Skeptics have dismissed the idea as "an obvious attempt to cash in on the acronym"
Turnpike 42 was the scene of a vicious shootout between authorities and members of the Upper Ballygarvan Liberation Front last night. Two gunmen fought with police for an hour before being their vehicle was destroyed by a rocket launcher. An entire herd of cattle was destroyed along with the vehicle in the explosion. Civil liberties groups have criticised the move, claiming that the rocket was only deployed because it had reached its legal use-by date and may not have been replaced if not used. The bodies of the gunmen remain unidentified, due to being little more than a smoking hole in the ground.
Last night's Dairy Cup Final ended in the final seconds of extra time when the Freisians' goalkeeper, Fernando "El Scorpio" Cardoza ran up the pitch and booted the ball into the Jerseys' goal from 20 yards. Celebrations for the team's first Dairy Cup win in 18 years are, reportedly still in progress. Cardoza was later reported to have been seen directing traffic in the nude.
That's all from Ballygarvan National News. On the hour (Give or take), whenever we can be bothered.
[Cue cheesy theme song]